The Joe Rogan Experience - #181 - Iliza Shlesinger

Episode Date: February 1, 2012

Joe sits down with Iliza Shlesinger.

Experience. You could do that, I bet. It's a solid piece. Yeah, it was a solid piece. It was a solid piece. Give it to Russ. Liza. Liza Schlesinger, professional stand-up comedian. Yeah. We all share a camaraderie, you know? It's funny. Comics, you know, like when you meet someone that's a comic, we all share this kind of weird thing.

Like, I did the Rosie O'Donnell show. Really? Yeah, people are like, why did you want to do the Rosie O'Donnell show? And I'd be like, because she's a comic. You know what I mean? Like, we all share we all share we share something you know tell us about that what was that like she was very nice i only got to talk to her for a short period of time we had a we sat down for about an hour and we talked about uh she talked a little bit about the government she had a really good point about how people look at the government like it's a

benevolent father and i absolutely agree with that. I totally agree with that. Yeah, and she was, you know, she's like really, she stuck her neck out when she was on that show. Like a chicken? Like, ah! You don't mean like, you mean literally? Yeah, well, she got in trouble in The View.

I mean, I'm sorry. She got in trouble in The View because she was talking about 9-11. And she was talking about 9-11 and she was talking about tower seven and if you don't know this there's three towers fell on september 11 and two of them obviously got hit by planes but one of them just went down one of them just went down yeah and there's a crazy conspiracy theories that say that it was a controlled demolition now i am the first person to tell you i am no engineer i have no idea how buildings are built or what their tolerances are. But if I saw a building like that, and I saw it just catch on fire,

and it had some holes in it and shit, but it just fell like that and fell apart, I'd be like, bitch, how'd you build this? How the fuck did you build this? You know, come on, man. Really? What kind of shitty work did you do? She's saying it was designed to go down, like it was part of a... She was saying a lot of people believe it's a controlled demolition.

I don't think necessarily she is saying that it is or it isn't. And I certainly am not. I don't know. I don't understand it. You know what I believe more? It was a controlled demolition, yes. But was it by us? Yes.

Oh, yeah. I mean, I think that's always been the case of the argument. They don't think it was done by the terrorists. Right. They think, see, the building tower. No, what if the terrorists. Oh, if they did a controlled demolition? Yeah.

Oh, it wasn't. Like if somehow they had terrorists. Could be, right? Because, I mean, terrorists probably could easily. I think that would probably be before hijacking planes and flying them into buildings. Before that would be putting a bomb in a building. Yeah, see, but it's not that easy see like when you see what would happen in oklahoma city that that was multiple bombs you

know in oklahoma city they actually there was all these reports of the fbi removing bombs from the building like that didn't explode and if you talk to these guys that are demolition experts they say there's no way that was a fertilizer bomb there's no fucking way right like they said that if you look at the amount of damage that did and look at where the blast radius is from the way it blows out it doesn't blow like they're not designed to you're saying this building because we've all seen the loose change where you watch the lights go off around the building yeah like one floor by one it's like and it just yeah but see they don't that see they don't know what that means though that also could be if the ceiling is coming in and slamming into the floor all the windows would do that they don't know that that's explosions if it really was collapsing like that

see no one's ever seen a building collapse like that so when they say that those are blips and those are squibs i don't like that because then i'm saying you're saying you know for sure what that is and i'm saying the fuck you do i don't know even someone's got it there's just because someone has to know i'm not saying it was us i'm not saying it was an inside job it just seems odd ergonomically that you would design a building that if impacted at a certain point the entire thing would demolish like what structurally what purpose does that serve well the we yeah the weird well it could just be incompetence that's possible if you look at

humans that's our most likely option right i mean when did they make the world trade center it's a fucking long ass time ago to get so cocky to build a building that's 100 goddamn stories high right and how long did they think that was gonna stay up there for you know what if it started falling apart and rotting what it was it was just a wonky piece of shit by the time it got hit by those planes? Yeah, that's totally true. Yeah, this fucking thing was old as shit. That thing was around during the Jessica Lange King Kong movie.

They could have retrofitted it. Yeah, but what's retrofitting? That's the cheapest. The cheapest goddamn floor. And the cheapest guy, Bitter, that could do that. How many floors was the little tree center? I would that to do that how many floors was it with bombs maybe well that's the crazy idea what we're saying about uh building seven or or the other building like terrorists could have done it i mean i guess they could have but how the fuck are they

gonna get in there and put all those explosives in it's like dynamite up a time those red sticks of dynamite one up a time up your ass. You're working the fucking thing five years. Every day you're fucking putting it into this closet. That's so funny. Dude, that would be hilarious. And back then they didn't have security to fucking put it in. You're walking down the hallway and you just smell shit. You're like, open this door. What's in this?

It just smells like shit. And it says shitty dynamite sticks. I ain't touching that. It's like a fucking log house built with shit and dynamite sticks. I ain't touching that. Dynamite sticks. It's like a fucking log house built with shit and dynamite sticks. Yep. And little hairs.

And a pee mattress, a cat pee mattress. Well, the idea was that, you know, that somebody had to do something in Oklahoma City. on the view.

Well, what she said on the view was it was the only building in history that never, that collapsed, skyscraper, that wasn't hit by a plane. It was hit by a plane. never that collapsed skyscraper that uh wasn't hit

by a plane and she's she's true no no tower seven wasn't yeah and it was the only building in history uh skyscraper of its kind that fell from a fire and she's right i don't know if it means anything though it could could be incompetence it could be just some crazy coincidence that it actually did fall apart like a controlled demolition even though it wasn't a controlled demolition. It could be. I don't know, man. I think there's so much chaos involved in any sort of catastrophic situation like that, and all these reports, we heard explosions in the building.

Do you really remember what you saw for sure? How much nuttiness, you know what I mean? There's a lot of nuttiness going on right after something like that happens. You might want to remember something from before. You must be so jolted from that sort of a situation that after it's over, I would imagine there would be several people that would have distorted perceptions. I do not believe that everyone can handle truly traumatic incidents. I'm not claiming that I can more than other people,

but I don't think most people can handle like really crazy shit going down. And you can't trust a few people's memories. You've got to take it into consideration, but you can't totally trust it. I think, you know, the amount of trauma that contributes to a confabulation about whether you saw something or not. I mean, you can take those reports all day and i think there's that mob mentality like i heard sounds oh so did i you know so but yeah what creeps me out what always worth american people out this is how you get minor conspiracy theorists i'm not even sure if i am one is when there is no explanation by your all-powerful government and that's what leads people to think oh the government was in on it

because you're like you're supposed to be the american government and you don't have an idea how this happened that's when people start to feel unsafe and get nervous yeah when they like with um osama bin laden you didn't take any pictures really not one i believe they caught him it's just odd when there's no answers they're like we're not sure jfk that's a weird thing like how do you not have an answer i've talked to military people just straight up military people about the osama bin laden thing and every one of them has said that guy was dead for years oh see i'm not off every one of them i bet i bet i have a war i've talked to a couple people that were skeptical i bet that where where you would value their opinion opinion, you know?

I bet they fucking tortured them for like years. I bet they killed them. Right wing dudes, man. Right wing, straight laced. That want the war. Military guys. Rambos. Yeah, and they're like, that guy's been dead for years. I bet his own people, I mean, I don't think they're skilled. I think

just because you put a couple bombs somewhere these are not, you know, they're're not using biophysics to kill anyone. So I think his own, probably friendly fire, probably blew himself up on fucking accident. You know what? They might have just fucking crashed one of their helicopters, and this was their crazy cover story. They might have fucked up, crashed one of their helicopters,

and goes, listen, boys, you see lemons? I see lemonade. Here's our story. We crashed a helicopter because we killed Osama bin Laden. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We lost a billion dollar helicopter. Whatever, whatever. We're going to blow that up.

It doesn't matter. Brave soldiers survived that crash. But we got him. We got him. We got him and we dumped him at sea. We dumped him at sea because we didn't want to make him a martyr. What are you talking about? Are you telling everybody you shot him what it's just an it in in visual form it's not the same as you

fucking admitting it with your mouth the president getting on tv with his fucking mouth and admitting it mouth seriously he's looking at the camera and he's saying it we killed osama bin laden like we that doesn't make him a martyr what do you have to there has to be a visual representation of it that's ridiculous. There has to be something. I would have liked to have seen footage, like his face. Well, yeah, for us. Yeah.

But not for them. Them saying that their excuse that they don't want him to be a martyr. Then why the fuck are you admitting you killed him on TV? Why are you getting... No, no, no. That wasn't the martyr. The reason they didn't bury him or do anything, they didn't want there to be a site that people could go to.

But the reason why they didn't show any photos is because they didn't want him to be a site that people could go to. But the reason why they didn't show any photos is because they didn't want him to be a martyr as well. Yeah. I think that's because they don't have any photos. There's no photos of that guy. How great would it have been? How epic would it have been if Barack Obama, he's like, we've captured and killed Osama bin Laden,

but before we did, our GIs each had a turn fucking him in the mouth. And we have that on camera. And thanks to Flipcam, we have it all on our YouTube page. We're going to fuck some crazy old terrorist in the mouth. And we have that on camera. And thanks to Flip Cam, we have it all on our YouTube page. Why do you want to fuck some crazy old terrorist in the mouth? Like, just dip in real quick. Your penis is very soft.

I know. Dangerous. I thought guys liked to do that kind of stuff. You know, it was so disturbing seeing that other guy get captured and dragged through the streets and fucked in the ass with a knife.

Yeah, Americans don't like to see stuff like that. Gaddafi. That was so fucked up. Apparently it was a stick. I'm good. It was a stick, apparently. Oh, it was? It's like some insult. Americans don't have an appetite stuff like that. Gaddafi. That was so fucked up. Apparently it was a stick. I'm good. It was a stick, apparently. Oh, it was? It's like some insult.

Americans don't have an appetite for that kind of stuff. Like, if there were a picture, we wouldn't have shown it. We're not, we don't show graphic things like that. And our people don't like to see that. We don't like to see death. We like people to die. We just don't want to see that. Yeah, we want to completely leave it in the dark.

I don't want to see it ever again. Well, you can, you know, the real problem is, you get access to something really shocking that's not really happening so you when you're watching anybody get murdered watching anybody get fucked up you have access to something life-changing but you're not really there that's weird when you can just access that all the time because then you're getting influenced by it far more than you would in a normal life where you actually survived also desensitizes as a country we're desensitized to

war we have all of our video games all of our media all this stuff we're like war very few of us have actually we'll call upper upper middle class have actually been made privy to anything uh tangentially related to war and so it's very easy to be like yeah we'll just send some troops i've been to israel just on vacation and it's so fucking hot I couldn't stand it. So just imagine being over there with all, like, we have no frame of reference because we're so desensitized. Yeah, we're detached from it. It's not a part of our daily lives unless you have friends and loved ones over there.

You know, I watched something on TV where they were talking about the amount of money that it costs to air-condition the tents in Afghanistan. It's fucking crazy. So much. In Iraq, it's some insane amount. It's like billions of dollars. Two donkeys and a woman. It's so crazy to keep the AC on.

Yeah. We don't even think about it. The whole thing is nuts. It's fucking nuts. It's nuts that they talked people into it. It's nuts that it's still going on, too. Yeah. Yeah, let's just send troops over.

What? Let's just go. We're living in a G.I. Joe movie. That's what it is. People going on, too. Yeah. Yeah, let's just send troops over. What? Let's just go. We're living in a G.I. Joe movie. That's what it is. People don't even think about it. I get goosebumps thinking about it at all. I don't know why it resonates so deeply with me to think about our troops over there.

Because you're smart. I love my country so much that I just want, like I just love my country and anything having to do with that. Look at this. It's all standing. I have way too much arm hair. Dude, you should be in a patriotic commercial. Do you drive a Chevy truck? I had a Blazer. Everyone thought I was a lesbian for the longest time.

I had a Chevy Blazer for 10 years. I drove it out here. Look, I think the idea of what America is supposed to be is awesome. I think there's a lot of fucking creative people here. A lot of cool people come from America, for sure. But there's also a lot of cunts. That represents America as well, unfortunately. Yeah, we've got a lot of keywords.

The shit that we do around the world is just creepy as fuck. But we also do, I agree. We also keep things in line. We do. It's better for us to be on top than some fucking wacky countries. And we're the only ones. We'll take your land. We'll give it back.

We'll say sorry. We'll make reparations. No, we do. We're the only ones with a real conscience about it. Where do we give the land back? The Indians? We give land back to who? American Indians?

Yeah, give them some. We give them the shittiest spots where there's no deer. Like Vegas. And we go, yeah, you want to open a casino? Go ahead. Do whatever you want to do. They don't need deer anymore. They have 7-Elevens and indian no i'm saying like they have convenient

they can go eat at like a restaurant you don't need deer i don't need that well i mean people always go like what we did to the indians and i'm like oh man i wasn't what yeah we weren't here so at what point in time does the the current living humans you know i know they benefited from the shitty work of the past i just trust indians more you know you trust them they seem more like down to what i would like to hang out with like indians or pirate guys unless they get indians and pirates yeah indians have you seen the jesus brian have you seen the western sky commercials it's like one of those things where it gives you money before your payday. Western Sky?

Oh. It's like a... It's like a check cashing thing? For poor people, yeah. Okay. And it's got this like Indian drum. It's like... And this girl that looks like an Indian, like Native American Gina Gershon with a braid

so you know she's Native. She's like, Western Sky will get you off the payday track. Get off the payday trail, Western... And it's so fucking intimidating. Whoa. And she's like, sure, it's expensive, but it's so fucking intimidating and she's like sure it's expensive but it's worth it and i'm like this is the representative for your people some fucking creepy it's expensive she says that so what they take like a certain percentage of your

check in order to cash it early of your soul that's like they're into that i don't know what they i don't know there's actually been some talk that they're going to release the photos of Osama bin Laden. Really? Yeah, and it's so awesome because I'm thinking, how long did it take to make Avatar? Okay, this is about the same time. They've probably got some better technology. Pixar probably has this whole VIP section that we don't talk about. That's so funny.

Could you imagine if one day there's cameras that don't just capture a 2d version of what you're seeing but somehow or another they figure out some sort of a camera that can actually capture three-dimensional video that you can walk around inside yeah it'll create holograms like really potent holograms so you could actually be there standing right there next to the troops why they killed osama bin laden press play yeah you know that's that's entirely within the realm of possibility if we can create what we can create right now i know it's way more complex but it's what we're doing right now is already impossible to us you know i i don't see any reason why they can't come up with some really intense high definition hologram

type shit like a virtual reality yeah where you can walk around in the scene. I feel like they have that universal city walk. Before killing Osama bin Laden. They probably do. I think Americans would. Oh, fuck. They would line up for that. Just put that in Tennessee somewhere.

Yeah. It's like Call of Duty, but better. Fuck yeah! But with a real ending. Stop it. You can't have it. You ever been in places like Tennessee or West Virginia

Or anything Yeah I spent Christmas in Virginia Virginia Virginia Like backwards Virginia Whoa What were you doing Having Christmas

Do you know somebody Let's hug and cook Do you know somebody In Virginia Do you have a friend there I do I have a friend there What was that like

Oh my god I went to the Appomattox I passed Appomattox What i passed appomattox what's an appomattox courthouse like for the civil war it's like this tiny went to a civil war gift shop oh wow which is not really a civil war gift shop as much as this dude just ordered a bunch of shit with confederate flags on it so you have like a bathing suit or whatever oh my god um it's really like all small towns in america are the same The more southern you get, the less teeth. But for the most part, most of America looks the same.

Isn't it amazing that there's some assholes out there that are still fighting that war? Yeah, right. What is it? Heritage, not hate. That's what it says under the Confederate flag. Because I understand it means something to them. But if I'm a black person, that's like a swastika could mean peace and was it Janism. But to most people, you're like, that's kind of a shitty thing. That's a very good point. The swastika could mean peace and was it janism but to most people

you're like it's kind of a shitty thing that's a very good point the swastika is a very good point i mean no one believes that it means peace who's the general of that though like who's the guy in charge of the hate on the team that kid rock yeah he's from michigan man he's a northerner yeah it's a weird thing michigan. Michigan is the south of the north. The north and the south are still at odds in some spots. Yeah, they still use terms like Yankees. Yeah, they get angry at you if you're a Yankee. They do.

It's very weird. It's weird because we don't have that feeling. It's clear. The conqueror and the conquered. Oh, yeah. Northerners, we don't have that problem. We like southern accents. It makes a dude sound sophisticated.

It makes a girl sound hot. Yeah. A southern accent makes someone sound sophisticated? No. I'm going to pay you a nap bucket. That does dude sound sophisticated. Makes a girl sound hot. A southern accent makes someone sound sophisticated? No. That does not sound... A man of taste and culture who appreciates a good whiskey. See, I hear a man of taste and culture. Me too.

You're talking about a Georgia accent. Southern gentleman as well. Texas. I think the long drawn out thing kind of sounds like you. I'm going to Walmart to get some whiskey. There's a little of that, but there's also in the dudes that are intelligent that have that accent. you know nah I think the long drawn out thing kind of sounds like you yeah Walmart there's a little of that but there's also

in the dudes that are intelligent that have that accent it's pretty badass it's one of the appeals of Bill Hicks I believe

that Texas accent was fucking cool it's cool hearing people from Texas talk I think Texas Texas is one of the coolest ways to talk

I really believe that see but it depends on and this is for anything where you're from because there's a Texas accent and then if you're from like Dallas, I hear, to me, it's this very preachy,

I just am reminded of my teachers that were like, no ma'am, you cannot get out Maybe that's you. Maybe that's just you. Maybe it's just me. Did anybody ever do anything

to you in Dallas and you drive through just stuck in your head? Like, you know, there's certain states of mind that you entrap in certain areas. Like, for the longest time time i would go by my high school where i fly newton massachusetts okay and i would drive by the high school and i'd be parent panicked

thinking that they that i missed a class and they're gonna drag me back in and i'm not gonna get my diploma and i'm fucked did i have to go back to school that's what i'm saying like being from there being from texas i think think of Dallas and I think of that teacher that talks to you like this. We don't like Jews. That's what I hear. Did you ever have a teacher actually say that?

No, but I did have a friend who this is my really old, I pretty got out unscathed for the most part. I had a friend who told me, we were like best friends. Her name was Summer. And she told me one day we

were like playing and i was like five and she goes if you don't accept jesus christ as your personal lord and savior you are gonna go to hell and i guess i had seen a movie recently that had she was how old like we were like six five or probably five and i guess i had seen a movie and my automatic response was i have naked pictures of your mother i had heard it like on a movie or something her Her mom calls my mom. Now I heard Eliza said something inappropriate about having naked pictures of me. And my mom was like, well, to be fair,

you told, your daughter told my daughter she was going to hell. And her answer, her response was, oh, I'm going to have to talk to Summer about that. She's not supposed to start witnessing until she's older. That was like what we had. She's not supposed to start witnessing until she's older that was like what she's not

supposed to start witnessing oh my god so you you think of things like that not southern gentlemen oh my god oh my god well you know boulder colorado everybody thinks of hippies but it's also where john bonnet ramsey's from yeah Yeah. That's where that went down. That is where that happened. I still think of hippies. Mostly it is, but I didn't think of Dallas in that way. Well, it's just a perfect combination of Southern charm

with money and a snotty attitude. It's like the Hollywood of Texas. They're the cunty people of Texas? I mean, I love Dallas. It's got a lot of money. They're the hardest partiers, I'll tell you mean, I love Dallas. I mean, there can be. It's got a lot of money, so. They're the hardest partiers, I'll tell you that. I love Dallas. I've had more semi-blackout even than Dallas.

The whole state of Texas. I miss it so much. We used to do that Addison Improv. My God. Yeah. With Joey Diaz, that place was chaos, man. I miss it. And Addison was the only, this is not, no one cares, but Addison was the only county within Dallas where you could drink for a very long time.

Like in the 80s, I think. That was where all the bars were. Yeah. If parents had these special tickets you had to have or something. Now it has all the bars, but you can drink anywhere, obviously. Oh, that kind of makes sense that they did that. That kind of makes sense. It's something like that.

That's because it's such a wild place. It's a perfect place for that improv. That's a great club, man. Yeah. Addison Improv. You know, Ari Shaffir's headlining that. Oh, yeah? Yeah, he's going to

headline that. I've headlined it. Yeah? You're in San Antonio. You're not impressed. I'm not impressed. You're not impressed. Well, for Ari, it's nice.

Well, it's my hometown, so they've had me. Do ex-boyfriends ever show up at your shows? I've invited them. Really? From high school or something? Yeah, that's fine.

Okay, that's fine. I don't think so. I don't know. Do you communicate with like ex-boyfriends from high school no but not out of disdain or anything just one you know you don't talk to and then another one is probably married and right it's not i don't have any relationships where it's like i don't want to fucking see him i swear to christ none of them no it always ends amicably if i saw someone i'd probably give them a hug

i don't know if they would give me a hug but you're usually the one that pulls the trigger always always i don't think i've ever uh been not yeah never been dumped which is not gonna make anyone like me anymore yeah what's up a challenge yeah what kind of dudes you picking hot ones hot just look at what she said it hot ones shallow that's so funny no not out of like oh i always win but just you know i mean but just you always win no not always all right so things come to a natural end and listen it's part of your spirit you're competitive it's not a bad thing you defend it it's harder for the person doing the breaking up i think sometimes it is yeah you don't want to hurt someone's feelings because i've been in relationships for a while but i just didn't want to hurt someone's feelings

yeah and then when you're the one that has to do the breaking up if you're ever feeling bad about in the future you can't call them because you're the one that initiated it that's like a dick thing so you just have to keep it to yourself and be sad yeah sad so sad so sad so hard yeah some people are not meant to be and that that person needs to find whoever the fuck they're meant to be with but get off my porch name me bitch how do you uh fix one of those uh domestic violence holes that sometimes you get in your walls you know where it's like a humongous hole that you punch yeah yeah or you kicked well you're gonna have to is that something hardcore or is that really easy to do? Have you ever done any drywall work?

Yeah, I think maybe a patch. I punched a hole in the wall. Well, you've got to be careful because you don't know what the fuck you're doing. You're going to have to use a razor knife. You could accidentally slice through an electrical cord. You don't know it was there. You should hire someone to do that. You should leave it as a warning to the next girl.

You know what you should do? Put a picture in front of it. Glue some false eyelashes and fake blood around the edges of it and just leave it there. Oh, I thought you were going to say, just fuck it. Because it's in the bathroom. I thought you meant make it look like a girl.

I'm in a little evidence, as if a girl's head just went right through it. False eyelashes. That's the evidence. Subtle, subtle. Nothing crazy, not a wig. It's in the bathroom. Like, that's the evidence, you know? A little subtle. We all leave them out. Subtle, subtle. Nothing crazy. Not a wig. Is that an eyelash?

Yeah. It's in the bathroom now, right across from the toilet, so it looks like I have a hidden camera in there now. Well, you should put a hidden camera in there. You know what you should do?

You should put a camera there. Yeah, I should. Now it's already half done. Put a webcam up and just let people watch your shit. Wow, they put the toilet roll there and make it look like

a real toilet roll? I'm surprised no one does that. Allow people to watch you shit for five bucks a month. I bet you'd pay your rent. If you had people that paid to watch you shit. Not me. People would definitely do that. If you could have subscribed

to a 24-hour webcam that's only above the toilet, you would get a lot of... Especially if you're a girl. Why not put the camera in the toilet to watch the poop fall webcam that's only above the toilet, you would get a lot of, especially if you're a girl. Why not put the camera in the toilet to watch the poop fall? That's probably illegal. Oh, that's not. Oh, so you're saying showing the actual poop. Yeah, showing the actual poop is probably illegal.

Isn't that weird? But you can show animal poop. Well, you know, when you get into obscenity areas, like that guy Max Hardcore that got arrested, they arrested him in the most stringent place in the country, which was like this area of Florida that had the harshest laws. And that's how they prosecuted him, because he was selling stuff on the internet.

If he sold stuff to that area, he's prosecuted by the laws of that area. What was he selling? Just terrible fucking evil porns where he would do nasty, terrible things to girls. It's like really, really sadistic shit. But was it consensual? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's okay. Yeah. I mean, it is and it isn't because these poor fucking girls. Like what? He opened up this girl's asshole with a tool, like this thing,

a speculum I guess it would be, pissed inside of it and then had her drink the piss through a straw. Oh. Yeah. It's not like I want to see it but yeah it sounds like something you'd make up exactly it sounds completely ridiculous well who's what she must have been addicted to

drugs well i think you know there's some really lost people out there man and he's taking advantage of them and it's it's it is legal and i guess it should be i mean i'm not the one that's saying that we need extra laws but i am the one that's saying he's a fucking creep the fact that you would want to do that to somebody you know nobody wants you to do that to them someone should have

hugged him more oh it was creepy man and that's just one of them he pisses in girls mouths I can somehow know the guy who could piss with a heart on it's really weird

I can do that it's just all about bending your feet and pushing it down like you're pushing down something you know I can't if I have to but do you ever have to

pee while you're having sex ever yeah all the time really yeah wow not me i will stop in the middle morning sex yeah morning sex all the time oh well i have to pee all the time anyway yeah well he actually was this don't have a ut this girl was giving him head and he he's got a full boner and he pees into her mouth and it's like falling out it's a lot of pee and then he shoves her head back down and again i'm like why am i watching this i don't know why i'm laughing yeah and it's like falling out. I mean, it's a lot of pee and then he shoves her head back down and again. I'm like, why am I watching this?

I don't know why I'm laughing. Yeah, because it's gross. My girlfriend has a hot oil. As long as you don't know that poor girl. But if she was like, you know,

like your next door neighbor and you knew that her mom yelled at her and, you know, you grew up and, you know,

she was like that 14 year old girl that looked to you for guidance. And I peed in her mouth. No, you didn't pee in her mouth. You just, you he got arrested you see her hit the wall yeah he did some time i think he's out now i think i'm not sure but it was a really controversial um sort of a situation because nobody wanted to defend him i mean not nobody a lot of people did but a lot of people were you know a lot a lot of people in the porn industry were saying, good, fuck him.

He's a creep. Like, what he does is gross. Right. You know, there's a lot of people that, like, they don't want that to be in the same lumping as regular sex. As their, right, right. Well, beggars can't be choosers. My girlfriend has this hot oil she puts in her hair in the shower that's supposed to help damaged hair or dry hair. Wow. Is she? Kind of of is she black kind of i wasn't even joking only white people don't use hot oil well well we do but not like not as much as black people anyways i it spilled in the the she wasn't

using it but it spilled into the bathtub and i stepped in the bathtub and did one of those like seriously like three stooges like back flip oh my god head hit the the wall last night are you okay huh yeah so that's how you got this yeah so now there's this huge bowling ball hole you're fucking super lucky oh i thought this was gonna be about peeing in your mouth people die that way man that's the tub is actually a a way that people die on a regular basis. Isn't that one of your fears, that you'll slip in the shower alone, and they'll find you naked, wet, hard? No. Well, you're supposed to get rock hard when you die. You get super hard,

like the hardest you've ever gotten. It's called the death boner. The death boner? Yeah. I've heard of that, and I've heard that it's only if you get certain poisons, certain toxins in your body or something. You die a certain something. I just want to do... That would be awesome if it happens. That's what I'm saying.

What, a death boner? Yeah. Was it in that movie too? That's the one, the Nicolas Cage movie where he played an Elizabeth Shue. He played... Leaving Las Vegas.

Yes, leaving Las Vegas. The original title was Death Boner. They didn't think that people in Florida would like it. Yeah, it's not going to sell in the blue states. Death Boner. Or in the red states, rather. It sounds like a speed rock band. It's awesome.

There should be a fucking band named Death Boner for sure. I'm sure there is. Can we Google it? Yeah, I bet there is. Death Boner, I'm sure. My dog is ripping the worst farts. Yeah, right. Absolutely.

I mean, I think if you ask any guys. Wikipedia. Oh, my God, stop. If you ask any guys, you'd want to die of a boner. But I don't think if you ask any guys. You don't die of the boner. No, if you have a boner. But what if?

Here it is. It's spinal cord injuries. Spinal cord injuries known to be associated with pripism, priapism. Injuries to the cerebellum. It's actually pronounced priapism. Priapism?

I have no idea. Okay. Injuries to the cerebellum or spinal cord are often associated with pariapism. Is that it?

Pariapism? In living patients. So it's when some people when they're talking about deaths by hanging executions shit like that dudes dicks get hard that's the way to go yeah is that because they've

observed the effects of the genitals of both men and women jesus christ what they shoot a chick in the head then check to see if she's wet yeah the labby oh my god the labia labia and clitoris becoming gorged and there may be a discharge of blood from the vagina. Oh. When you die? Whoa, yeah. A death tear. Yeah, my God.

It's like nature's Hail Mary. That's the sister band? Nature's Hail Mary. It's nature's Hail Mary. Nature's like, listen, we might be dying right now, so just let anybody fuck us, and maybe we'll get pregnant. Bloody death tear? Maybe it's because your blood is already... Your body's fucked.

Your body doesn't know what to do. That's what it is. It's a wrap, son. Wow, fatal gunshot wounds to the brain. Are there pictures? No, this is just Wikipedia and some articles it references, but it's actually a real phenomenon

that happens sometimes. It's pretty fucking nuts. Death boner. Death boner. Do you die? Do you want to be wet? Don't look at me. Don't look at me.

Don't ask me questions like that. What kind of a fucked up... Why would I care? That's what I was... Because all guys would want to have a boner. No, I'll tell you what. I don't want anything sexual. I don't want a coroner looking

and I don't want anyone in a report being like, she was really wet. I just want it to be a nice normal death nothing like you know freaky does it drive you crazy

that coroner gets to see you naked and do whatever he wants to you know what the detective my husband whoever finds me yeah to be like she was soaking wet she was so turned on

cause that makes you weird cause then they're gonna think oh she died when she was watching the golden girls and she was wet like they're gonna think it's a thing that's so awesome I don't want any of to think it's a thing. That's so awkward.

I don't want any of that. Yeah, it's going to be in your death report. Wet. That's so... Under moisture. Who's watching Golden Girls? Because I watch it every night before I go to bed. God forbid I have an aneurysm.

Dry, medium, and ready to rock. So you're that addicted to the Golden Girls that you've named your dog after... No. No. That just happens to be a coincidence? Yeah. I just picked an old lady name, and Blanche came into my head. so you're that addicted to the golden girls that you've named your dog after no no that just happens to be a coincidence yeah i just picked an old lady name and blanche came to my head and then as of late i started watching the golden girls but this was i got her like three years why do you watch the golden girls because it's on when i go to bed i love it good show it's relaxing like a warm hug to you when you sleep watch the show yeah i watch it all the time

it's the the writing is so smart i haven't watched a sitcom in forever it's on uh one of our like affiliate whatever if you had to sleep with one which one would it be my way that's always betty white why why would you sleep back in the day she was the hottest one she was the young q feisty one you remember they were all like 900 years old well one was creepy one was like quagmire that whatever that's why wouldn't you want to sleep with ru mcclanahan she was the one that yeah she was quagmire she was a what yeah that was her thing really poor room okay the betty white played rose and she was an idiot b arthur played dorothy's bornak who was like really smart and eight feet tall yeah she was a lesbian in real life and then rue mcclanahan

who played blanche devereaux who was a self-proclaimed slut and she was always running off to lack sleep with some eligible young man. Right. And you would want to sleep with that one because she was... No. Betty White. All the way. That was the Chrissy.

I don't know. You liked Chrissy? Oh, Chrissy was the best one. Who's Chrissy? In the third one. Freeze Company? Oh. The third one.

Which one was Chrissy? She was the second one? The first one. The first one. Suzanne Somers. Back in the day, wearing those little shorts and... She was the best one? Yes.

Definitely. Would you ever want to sleep with an older woman? Like, older? I would sleep with Suzanne Somers. Back in the day, wearing those little shorts. She was the best one? Yes. Definitely. Would you ever want to sleep with an older woman? I would sleep with Suzanne Somers. Like older, like 60? Yeah, like 68. Probably not. Suzanne Somers is probably that. She's unlocked the secret to living young.

She has the book on it. All right, Demi Moore on drugs. She's not 68 by any means. How old is she? She's like almost 50. That's different. Yeah, she's hanging in there. I feel bad for in there i guess she had some sort of a reaction you know did you hear about that shit it was like red bull or something like that that's what they're saying that's not what it is

she apparently drinks she's doing nitrous and she did salvia and that's that's what it is where are you hearing this from you can't just sayedly. No one's ever had a bad reaction to salvia. Well, TMZ was reporting that it was nitrous oxide, which could be true because she had a seizure. She fished. Nitrous, yeah. But that lasts like five to ten minutes. I've fished before.

Now, salvia, the police report, they censored the 911 call because of personal privacy. And then the police report came out as that she smoked something. So you don't smoke nitrous. So I'm thinking it's Salvia. I'm thinking what was she smoking fish on the ground for? PCP? Are you sure the police report said she smoked something?

Or are you just hearing this from TMZ? TMZ was reporting on it. So that's what it is. We shouldn't really say that, though. All right, then. I'll finish it with allegedly. You can get the same rush from chewing five gum that you would from salvia. Why don't we just Google it real quick just so that we don't get in trouble?

No, I'm 99.9% sure. Okay, let's find out. What was I talking about? You were talking about her getting hurt. Well, I don't know. I just feel bad. The information is probably out there. You're saying that it was nitrous oxide and salvia.

I heard it was Red Bull. Someone called it a death puddle. A death puddle? The wet thing. Oh, ew. I don't like that. Smoked. And whatever it is you think that her PR people wouldn't put a spin on it,

the media doesn't have an allegiance to the truth about celebrities. So it's whatever they hear, they're going to... Can I just say, Demi Moore's puddle is to... You need your own show on MSNBC right next to Rachel Maddow. You need your own show. Because I said allegiance? No, you'd be great at it. You're very articulate. You've got a great vocabulary. You'd kick ass at one of those shows. And you'd be able to make fun of shit.

That's what I want. Is that what you want? I have a pilot we're doing with VH1. I want to have my own late night chit chat. Like a talk show? Yeah, but not as shit. How come you haven't done a podcast yet? I have a web show that I do VH1. I want to have my own late night chit chat. Like a talk show? Yeah, but not as shit. How come you haven't done a podcast yet? I have a web show that I do every week. Oh, you do?

Do you want to be a guest on it? Hell yeah. Okay. Of course, I would love to. I just sound off on why people are wrong every Monday. What is it? What do you do? It's called the weekly news.

The weekly news. Go to, if you want to type it in. Okay. Go to the stream as in water. The stream.tv slash. And then put swimsuit or underwear. Weekly. W-E-A-K-L-Y. I've been doing it for five years. Yep. Demi Moore. Stream.tv slash and then put swimsuit or underwear weekly w-e-a-k-l-y i've been doing

it for five years yep dimmy more stream.tv what is our slash weekly w-e-a-k-l-y dimmy more has smoked something similar to incense and was semi-conscious barely said the worried voice on the 9-1-1 call to get more help so similar to incense said the fucking idiot who that's the closest thing to similar to incense is salvia you think i'm a hundred percent she smoked salvia she did it in ari shafir where she went to a different world you know i don't know if you ever saw that video it was awesome similar to incense that's that's sage yeah yeah that's what salvia is yes it's salvia yeah and so she went to the other world which you can easily do dmt style like i mean you can get pretty close to dmt kind

of effects from it she but what my question is is why did maybe she her body like had a little stroke because of it or something because of her age because she's not that old man no i'm just kind of old for a hot chick she's not like old like she's in trouble the only reason is i say that because after you know 10 minutes 15 minutes you usually are fine so unless the ambulance is right next door we're totally speculating yeah yeah you're totally speculating yeah oh yeah something similar to incense does sound like salvia because sage the plant sage is something that people frequently burn it's like ward off spirits and shit and then sage is the the salvia plant it's like the same plant okay

whoever was with her same exact would know what she was doing so they're obviously covering up the fact that she was doing something that they don't want the public to know about no one calls yeah with like it's something similar to smoking and no one would say that that's such a ridiculous thing to pull out of your ass. Well, I just don't think they want to advertise that it was salve because it's still legal in most states, and they just don't want to advertise it at all. That's right.

That's a good point. That's a very good point. Because if it was an actual illegal drug, they would want to know what that drug was. Right. And since, yeah, you're probably, that makes a real, that's a lot of sense, dude. You should be a fucking detective.

I know. I get that. You should just, you should really, for CSI orsi or something well you totally did the math there yeah yeah because if it was anything else if it was like you know she was smoking cocaine like whoa they would tell you hey she's a sensational story she's poor girl she's smoking cocaine but she's smoking something similar to incense and that's why she yeah salvia can fuck your world up all you have to do is look at that video of ari on your uh or me or have to do is look at that video of Ari on your or me

or you talking about my face but when Ari was on your show yeah oh yeah when he was on your show on deathsquad.tv and he did Salvia

and just melted into everybody yep yeah and he was cuddling up with Sam it was so cute and if somebody talked to her to doing that and she's not used to psychedelics

if she hasn't had a psychedelic experience if she's not used to something and she had a bad trip and maybe she's on some other things. Or it could also be that it ignited

some horrible insecurity in her too. Yeah. And she had a panic attack. What does she have to be insecure about? I'm totally kidding. That's so cute.

I love when you do that. I typed in the stream.tv the weekly but it says No, not the weekly. The stream.tv slash

W-E-A-K-L-Y No, the. Just weekly. Oh, weekly. Take out not the weekly oh the stream.tv slash slash w-e-a-k-o-y no the just weekly oh weekly take out the w-e-a-k-o-y yeah oh okay because i don't have a strong point of view i got e okay you crazy bitch i gotcha we did one uh on monday the weekly news powerful and so you do this uh every week? Every Monday we have a studio. And it's a network and there's other shows on there. And we've been doing it for about five years. Oh, really? Yeah, I do it every week.

You know, eventually this is going to be a television station, huh? I mean, that is the future. Yeah, and he's got some, the owner of the thing has got some pretty cool things going. But that's my little forum. Cool. Yeah. All right, we'll tell people to go there. Do you want to come on it?

Fuck yeah. For sure. Do you want to come on it? I'd love to. Sure. Boom. It's done. We just made a date. We have a segment called Who Should Be Shot where we argue the lesser of two evils.

It usually has to do with who should be shot, the supplier or the demander, and then we talk about something. Right. So you can either. You can pick which side you're on. Wow. Supplier or the demander. For specific things.

For terrible things like guns or something like that. Well, no. It's more. It's not as heavy handed. Like last week I was talking about how much I hate chocolate fountains. So who should be shot? The fat fucks that wait in line or the caterer that's like, oh, chocolate fountain. Let me give you one.

I like chocolate fountain. No. Why is it bad? Strawberries with chocolate is yummy. That's fine. But then people start to get into like, oh, what else can I dip in this? But my dick. And it's just gross stuff.

And by the end, it's all like there's garbage in it. I think you're partying with the wrong people. Yeah, like Golden Corral. Yeah, I have to stop hanging out with those people. Golden Corral, what is that? That's where they have a chocolate fountain. What's the Golden Corral? It's a buffet for poor people.

Where is that? Golden Corral, it's probably out somewhere in the valley. It's like a family, like a hometown buffet. Oh, like a restaurant? Yeah. No, like a, what would it be like? Like a, you never heard of hometown buffet? Or like a Bob Evans.

It's like a place, like a lot of food for a little money. Right. Not super nice. I'm trying to think of some names of different places like that, but they escape me it's like less nice than a red lobster right yeah kind of like that yeah it's like a little bit nicer to sizzle and their big thing is that they have a chocolate fountain so well that's not what i'm talking about i'm talking about if you go to somebody's dope party they got a chocolate fountain yeah you ever go to someone's party that just goes ridiculous yeah i went to this dude party. He had this crazy party in Malibu.

And he's like some super, super billionaire type character. And he had brought in snow. And the whole hill was covered in snow. And people were sledding. That's awesome. You guys have that here. At the entrance to your little community you live in, there's a big thing that says Snow Day. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is that to make up for it? That's for the whole community. No. They'll bring in snow. They do it. Yeah, they bring in snow. This dude had it in his house, though, in his yard. He had a ramp built.

It was constructed because he didn't have enough of a grade for a hill, so he built it up as a giant ramp. Is the snow there just for the party or all the time? Just for the party. That's cool. Yeah, it was crazy. He had so much shit going on, but no chocolate fountain. So I was like, what's this bitch ass party

with no chocolate fountain? It's a chocolate fountain. And I think they've become so pedestrian, like everyone has them now. Really? I wouldn't want it. I love them with strawberries.

I think strawberries are delicious. It's not the same. It's not the same. You get, when the chocolate's like, it's shitty chocolate. It's made,

I have a blog about it so I don't want to repeat my blog. Well, repeat it because I'm not going to read it. No, no, I'm just saying, like I don't it, so I don't want to repeat my blog. Well, repeat it, because I'm not going to read it. No, no, no. I'm just saying. I don't want it to look like I read my blog, and then I go in there. It's like chocolate pellets that you can buy at Michael's.

No, you can buy them at the grocery store. No, not like that. It's like a special kind of chocolate. It's just gross. It's just not the good chocolate. It's not the good chocolate. If you had Ghirardelli dark chocolate, some fucking badass chocolate, and that was melted, would you be down?

No, because I also don't like chocolate. You what? What? I'm tolerating this body. All right, show us your cock. Oh my God. She's such a strange woman. She is.

I don't want chocolate. So strange. I don't like chocolate. With her dog substitute for a child that she carries with her everywhere she goes. Fucking hating chocolate. I love candy. Dumping men. Undefeated streak of man dumping.

She's undefeated. She's an undefeated streak of man dumping and she carries a dog everywhere with her. Do you mimic nursing with that dog ever? I wish. Oh, terrible breath, huh? I wish I could say that I not only gave birth to her, but that I nursed her.

I nursed you. Look at, I mean. Do you have the urge to reproduce? I would like to have a baby one day. Yeah. If you could have a baby with that dog, would you? One dude that you decide to keep around. That I mate with.

Because I'm going to have just a stunning child. Say, listen, you've been picked for your genetics and intelligence, but don't tell me what to do. Here, we're going to make a baby together. I'm going to kill him at the death cock. What is it called? The death boner. Death boner. No.

What if you already jerked off that day and he's got nothing left for you? What if he just threw it at you? Men who date me don't jerk off. What? I'd like to have a baby. Would you for sure? Yeah. I'm not,

I think it gets weird when you don't want to be the girl that's nagging your boyfriend about it or something. You don't want to be the girl that talks about it all the time. But I think, you know,

we are genetically predisposed as women. We're maternal. We do want that one day. That's why I take care of this little dog. But I don't, it's not like on my mind.

Like, I'm just going to have a baby soon. Get ready. It happens. Do you ever draw pictures of what you want your baby to look like or anything weird like that? No. Who does that?

What the fuck, Brian? It's so weird. Is that what your black girlfriend does? Between hot water treatments? Of longing to have children seem creepy as fuck. If anybody could make that, the most beautiful of natural urges, seem creepy as fuck, it's you picturing some fucking crazy lady sitting there sketching out what she wants her kid's teeth to be shaped like. I like that, I think.

You fucking nut. Yeah, well, that's the thing, man. Some people like anything. There's a lot of people that like all kinds of crazy shit. there's a lot of people that like all kinds of crazy shit you know that's one of the weirdest things about growing up is experiencing the different things that people not only tolerate but actually love and then you try to bring them up with another person like get the fuck out of here they get angry at you you know how does anyone do that i do it all the time i drop my i want my baby to look like i'm sure somebody has for sure somebody must have.

They must have. All babies are a little weird looking at first. Sure. They're mushy. Well they're terrified too. You look at a terrified object you're like oh Jesus

poor little thing. Yeah. They have like dry skin sometimes. Yeah. They have little rashes and you're like what the fuck's going on here?

Yeah. It's very tricky man. Raising little babies is very tricky. Keeping them from diseases and getting them in shots. I can't even get Blanche not to eat cat poop. I can't imagine like...

Oh, yeah, you got to watch them every step. Like my one and a half year old is just now at the stage where I can let her get like one or two feet in front of me. Without her doing something stupid, yeah. Yeah, but I got to be right there, right there. What are you doing? What's going on? And then maybe sometimes she'll be in an area where she Without her doing something stupid. Yeah, but I've got to be right there, right there. What are you doing? What's going on? And then maybe sometimes

she'll be in an area where she can't mess anything up. She's wandering around the bathroom. Like, okay, I've got an eye on you. I'll let you walk a little. But you have to always be right there in case you're like, what is this?

I lick this and I stick it in there. You know, they don't know. They don't know anything. They're babies. It's crazy how you have that desire to protect her. Like, it's not hard for you to make sure she's safe. It's a natural instinct.

No, you don't even. People who don't have children really have no idea what the experience is like. It's so hard to describe. I thought I could kind of guess what it would be like before I actually had kids. I would think, yeah, it's probably just a really intense love. It's probably really hard to probably test your patience. But you really want to. It's not like that at all. You actually get love and pleasure from it.

That's what I didn't understand. I thought even like the difficult times of raising kids, I thought it would be stressful. And it would be something you would regret. But you get so much love from it. It's so fun. It's like you actually get, it's rewarding. And that's what I didn't anticipate, that it's like the fun involved in raising kids. It's like if you're enjoying it,

and you're enjoying raising them and talking to them and hanging out with them and playing with them, it's so rewarding. I didn't anticipate that. I thought it was just going to be loving but difficult. It's so much different than I ever thought it would be. Do you think you thought that initially? I mean, the fact that this is not a slight against men.

Women are obviously more in tune with being maternal and mothers and all that stuff. So it's not about being a guy, but do you think being a comic? Because when I watch comics that are fathers, reluctant fathers, not everyone planned to have a kid, I always get the vibe that people hate their marriages, hate their kids. And so that's always the way I felt like comics were like, oh, I got this kid.

Oh, my kid's annoying. Do you think you felt that way because a lot of your friends or whoever you would watch when you were coming up had a disdain toward being a father? Well, I think as comics, we all can speak for the whole group and say that we're pretty much all fucked up. And super selfish. Yeah, super selfish and fucked up in one way or another.

I don't know. Everybody's got their own little kink. And for most of us, it came from our childhood. Most of us, it came from either parents splitting up or being ignored or weird shit that makes you want, not all of us, but the vast majority. Validation and attention. Yeah. Sure. And then the overwhelming need to do it so much so that you're willing to risk your self-esteem by going on stage in front of strangers.

Right. You know, and I think when you've been through that, you're automatically apprehensive as a potential parent of like recreating that same sort of environment that you had to experience when you were a child. So you're really reluctant to be in some situation where you, you know, you're going to fuck up the same way someone fucked up with you. Oh, that's one way of looking at it. That is exactly how I looked at it, you know. And then there's also the part of being connected to this other person. Like responsible for them. Not the baby, the other person that you mate with.

Because you have to choose that wisely. Because I have friends that have had babies with fucking crazy people. And their life is chaos. Their life is craziness and the woman is constantly fucking with them and trying to make them jealous and doing horrible things

and saying bad things to the kids. And it's just constant chaos. And then he's got to always deal with the new boyfriends and all these new guys that are around his kids. I've seen people that have had kids with the wrong person, and it's just been a disaster. So there's that, too. too you know it's so weird because in my early 20s uh like that's when you you know you're on your own for the first time and you're whatever out in hollywood in we'll say la and i would watch these male comics and a lot of them and i'm sure you and i know several we have several in common where some guy probably in his 40s just f some woman and she happened to be the one that

stuck around so now he's married and he's like you never hear him talk about his wife he kind of doesn't like her or he like had sex with a crazy girl so now he's married. And he's like, you never hear him talk about his wife. He kind of doesn't like her. Or he had sex with a crazy girl, and now they have a kid. And he likes the kid, but he hates the woman. And I think men get to dictate the way society feels about marriage because just being the stronger of the sexes and whatever guys like is always the cooler thing. No one ever wants to do the girl stuff.

What do you mean by that? Women always want to wear men's clothing. Women want to go always the cooler thing. No one ever wants to do the girl stuff. What do you mean by that? Women always want to wear men's clothing. Women want to go where the guys are. It's always like guys, girls always want to be part of the boys club. No guys knocking down the door to get in the girls club. Women like to be part of the, our comedy is male-centric in everything we do.

We want to be one of the guys and taken seriously like men. So the view on kids and marriage, at least as a comic, I'm watching them and they seem so unhappy. So it all of a sudden becomes like uncool to have a baby.

And that's, I've noticed a lot of girls saying things like, I don't want to have kids. I don't want to get married. I don't want to be in a relationship. The fuck you don't. You have to.

Of course you do. It's just become the thing du jour to say that you don't want that because you women think men find it more attractive oh wow how many women are running that game so many around pretending they don't want relationships that or they think they don't i mean i host a dating show right and i hear girls all the time and i'm looking at you're a skank whore like i'm looking at your eyeliner job like i can tell that you suck dick a lot. Wait, eyeliner tells you that they suck a lot of cock?

Yeah, it depends on where you apply it. Will you write a book for the rest of us? You can tell. You're going to wear, like, white eyeliner. Let's get serious. Really? Okay, a girl with white eyeliner, she'll suck your dick. Lashes.

That sounds like Joey Diaz. Lashes depends. It depends on the way of your makeup. But I can tell by what you're wearing. I can tell. Okay. And then you hear them and they're like, I don't want a relationship. I don't want a guy checking up on me.

You want the right guy. You're not immune to it. And you say that because you want to draw the guy in. Like, oh, I'm totally cool. I'm totally. Oh, that's what it is. No woman. I mean, I like my space, but I would be upset if the man I was dating never called me.

Yeah, right. That'd be weird. But it's not necessarily our fault. Yes. space but i would be upset if the man i was dating like never called me yeah right weird so girl but it's not necessarily dudes yes how many at a time uh no i had i mean i was like um i had a boyfriend we lived together when i was 25 for about a year and then i had a boyfriend who visited for a summer and then i have a boyfriend uh who's from so months on end but never like we both signed the lease and it's always kills it when you're young you should never do that when you're like 20 no i never said that i did that when i was 21 it totally killed our relationship i really loved her before that she was fun yeah living together that was like oh this is a disaster i guess it depends on the girl i probably am the messier like i tend to date guys that are

opposite me so i enjoy living with someone because i it's nice to have someone to hang out with and talk to that's nice if you find a good person but it's very difficult to do when you're 20 20 21 you're still a fucking child you don't even know how crazy you are until you live with someone totally and then they let you know how crazy you are oh You're like, oh, yeah, I'm fucking crazy. I've done it as of late, and it's great because then, like, as a girl, if you like to bake, then you can bake for them, and you don't have to eat it because guys will eat anything. Wow.

You like to bake and not eat things? I like to. I love baking. It's cathartic. Wow. I have. It's so fascinating listening to your point of view as an intelligent woman explain to us the traps the chicks set up

that we already suspected we all knew it all right we've had these conversations with ourselves i go dude tell me when a girl says to you i don't want a relationship what are you thinking she's telling you we can fuck that's what she said it means two things she probably doesn't like if you're you may be gone on a couple times she's like i'm just not ready she doesn't like you like she's not into you but it's a lure if she likes you and she's like, I'm just not ready. She doesn't like you. She's not into you. Or it's a lure. If she likes you and she's like, no, I'm totally cool. She might be a cool girl,

but she does want a relationship. No girl wants to be cool with you just sleeping with other girls and stuff like that. If she does, she's got dad issues. What about girls where it's the one hot girl

that has all these guy friends? Oh, I can't do that. You know those girls? That's the worst. That's a weird one. I'm a tomboy that is what i wrote my cosmo article on i have that in there oh really yeah uh first of all we both are really together yeah right speaking as the girl who has always been the tomboy and always

had guy friends right uh when you have a signal like a serious significant other it takes the place of the relationship you form with a lot of guys you don't need because you have a serious significant other it takes the place of the relationship you form with a lot of guys because you have that male influence in your life you can't just ditch your friends you seem to need it more than most, you're very aggressive I know what's that about? You're womanly, you're not like dykey, but you're very aggressive

what is that about? but it's a warm, friendly aggression, like I never feel creepy around you, you're always friendly Aggressive. Yeah. What is that about? I don't know. But it's a warm, friendly aggression. Like, I never feel creepy around you. You're always friendly. But, like, I can tell that you're, like... Like a friendly animal. Yeah, well, you're, like, you would be a good competitor in something athletic. I know.

If I wasn't afraid of getting punched in the face, I could have been a really good fighter. Oh, well, you just got to learn jujitsu. Get a good clinch, high guard. Do you video game? And start slowly with a good trainer. I'm not that. How old are you how old do you know i'm 28 damn it's not too late you can still get in there not even mario kart no i don't

do video games i don't care are you strong i'm really strong really i'm not stronger than you yeah but i'm a man you don't have to fight guys that are men i don't we're at not the same weight class either can i punch yes yeah i've never had to be confident you could you could if somebody taught you how to do it you could throw throw it. I could kill my dog. Kill your dog? Your dog's just a tiny little thing. I could kill my dog and your cat. Whoa.

I bet your kid killed my cat, not the male. I bet he would fuck you up. I would, I actually wanted to take a class. I bet you would think you'd kill him until you grabbed him and he started. Cat.

Once they bite you, we're such pussies. If a cat was trying to kill you, if a cat was like trying to kill you you think so no not a cat if he got a hold of your neck

what if he got a hold of your neck and then you pile drive it into the concrete yeah but what if you're both dead what if you're both dead

you get a boner and you're gone it's a wrap fuck the cat I would take I should have asked I want to take like a class

I would go maybe I'll tape it I'll go I want to take like one maybe like a boxing class well no if you don't tape it what you want to take a class. Maybe I'll tape it. I'll go. I want to take one, maybe like a boxing class. Well, no. If you don't tape it, what you want to do, especially in the beginning,

you need someone to stand with you and adjust things, like adjust your shoulders, adjust your hand position. Because especially in the beginning, it's very important that you learn with proper technique. Because the foundation, the principles that you learn, the habits that you form in the beginning, a lot of times they stick with guys and they get really good. So when they get tired, they go back to their shitty technique.

Okay. So you have to learn correctly from the beginning. You don't want to have to correct yourself so you're thinking while you're out there. So from the beginning, you only want to do it one way, the correct way. Okay. So if you really want to learn how to do it, where do you live? Well, don't tell me on the air. I live in Hollywood.

Touch it! What the fuck are you doing? They're going to find you man why do you live in the devil's ball sack why do you live right there just because you live in like a really nice neighborhood yeah but like hollywood's taking it dirty like i'm surprised that you're not like like burbank with your cat pee mattress get out of here what exactly if the is St. John Burbank is like In his butthole Good one Eliza Burbank is a nice place

It's a good place to go to dinner It's relaxing I don't have to worry about People fucking peeing on me How much is your rent a month? Two bedroom apartment Is Fourteen hundred dollars

See I don't have a rent I have a mortgage Yeah but I have a Backyard place Oh yeah You bought a place in Hollywood? Did you get a condo? It's a condo.

It's a condo? That's not bad. Why do you say that? I don't know. Smart. It's fine. The area's getting better. It is hood.

It is ghetto, but it's fine. Somebody had, it was one of those TV shows where they show the insides of people's houses, and like Paris Hilton or someone famous like that. It might not have been her, but someone had one of those apartments on Wilshire. You know those penthouses on Wilshire Boulevard where they have like valets. They have like 24-hour concierge.

Yeah, where your grandparents, like the older, like all the way to Santa Monica. On the way to Santa Monica. Yeah, like those really nice ones. Yeah, those super duper luxury apartments. Yeah. This was the dopest view.

Like I didn't know what kind of view these, there's no views like this in LA. And it's so high that you're way up there in this tower looking over the city. I'm like, wow. I'm not really into living in the city,

but if I was, this would be the shit. Batman style. That area is great. I feel like it's where your grandparents lived, though. Fucking badass, man. I would want to have an office in that place. I looked at it,

and the thing I thought of was I would want to buy one of those apartments and use it as an office. That'd be amazing. But they're really expensive. They're stupid. They're like 20 million bucks or something crazy.

It's on the west side? Is that bad? Why is the west side bad? There's no comedy clubs over there. That's true. There's no, I mean for the most part everything I need is in Hollywood.

That kind of dictated where I bought something. I like to be close. You have the luxury of living farther out. You have a bit more control over your career than I do. You have to go into Hollywood all the time. I do shows almost every night.

You have your gig set up. You're not auditioning like a crazy person. I moved out here a long time ago. Why? Burbank, it's not cool. It's not living to be cool, though though i'm living just to have a quiet i can go in my backyard and be quiet night i can i can have parking everywhere i have a backyard i don't fenced in okay cool so you can just plan your funeral now plan your funeral now

like i'm i go to hollywood takes 10 minutes i'm on fucking sunset i i just hang out in sun and drive back home to my nice quiet castle. No. Why is that bad? Instead of going staying in the party. You want to stay in in the epicenter.

up all night while people are torching your houses. Do you like Manhattan? Do you like that kind of city? I love New York. Do you really? Would you live in Manhattan?

I would. I've missed like if I were to move there now it would kind of be like I'd have it wouldn't help me it would be like a lateral move. Right. Because it's not'm i always think it's so funny when it might actually be a step down yeah because you have to start over with the comedy clubs and everything i think it's so

funny when i meet girls like actresses or other hosts and they're like i'm i'm back coastal i'm like oh really is new york just calling you just every month you gotta go i'm back i just don't know you fly to florida once a year to like your parents. You're not bi-coastal. I was bi-coastal for about two months. I had two apartments. So that's legit. I'd fly back. I'm like, why do I even have this fucking place? Especially when you deal with the first winter.

And you get a nice winter in California. And you're like, what the fuck am I doing? My whole family's from New York. Really? Actually. I love it. They're all from New York City? They're all city people?

I mean, they start there and then they're from Long Island. Those are the very strange people who are born and raised in New York City. In the city? Yeah. I had an aunt like that. It's a totally different animal. Yeah. They don't understand a lot of parts of the world. They don't even know what a pizza is. A lot of them don't drive.

They don't have to. Yeah, a lot of them don't ever drive. They don't ever get licenses. Yeah, that's so weird. So they want to go somewhere on vacation. It's a real pain in the ass. They have to go get a driver's license. They have to take driving classes them don't ever drive. They don't ever get licenses. Yeah, that's so weird. So they want to go somewhere on vacation. It's a real pain in the ass. They have to go get a driver's license. They have to take driving classes and learn how to drive. And then when they're on the road somewhere, they're incompetent. They really shouldn't be driving.

Because it's its own microcosm. Yeah. But I do relate to how aggressive New Yorkers are and how forceful they are when they talk. I like that because I feel like that's how I come off. Do you like really calm men yeah yeah you like like dudes you're like sweeties who want to rub your feet like no not like pussies or anything not not pussies but just very mellow very you're very much the dominant one right yeah but i mean i'm not like in bed like don't look at me turn around

like it's shut up get on your back yeah they can be aggressive Like a quiet aggressive No you can't be on top But you only like Two minutes of a sex At a time I just get very tired I have to pee a lot You have to pee a lot? I pee right now

Do you? You can go pee Who wants to have sex For like I went all night You just don't enjoy it Wow you don't know There's girls out there

That are freaks Yeah they probably Wear white eyeliner No Like hookers. Why do you have to hate? What? Can't they just be different than you?

No. Can't you just enjoy your two minutes and they enjoy their couple hours? That's fair. It's okay. Go enjoy your couple hours. Is that okay? Yeah. Did a cowboy touch your butt when you were a child?

There's girls who just like getting fucked all the time. There's just some freaky bitches out there. Oh, yeah. She was on your podcast. Crazy amounts of... It was great. Which one was this? The one that you all left your podcast early. Oh, that sad girl that sat next to you on the Ice House on your podcast. Crazy amounts of... It was great. Which one was this? The one that you all left your podcast early.

Oh, that sad girl that sat next to you on the Ice House Chronicles podcast, right? Yeah, that was... I walked in and you were like, what the fuck are you talking about? Right when I walked in, you were going after her. I was like, oh no, what do we have here?

Everyone keeps saying they're like, you gave it to her. Oh, no, no, no. I don't remember any of that. You were polite. Oh, yeah. You weren't being mean. I would never want to be mean to a girl.

But you were laughing. I mean, there were some certain things that she was saying. Well, she was hitting on you. That's all it was. Yeah. That's all it is. It was just sad, you know, that same, that's like really obvious struggle for attention by being overly sexual.

Right. Too bad that podcast never was released. Yeah. Oh, was it? That one had to go bye-bye. It's on YouTube. No, it's good. I always just, you know what it's fun to talk about sex but i honestly feel that a straight up sexual

it can be the lowest form of communication especially between men and women like if all else fails you can always talk about how how you get off and so when we go right to that it's like oh we're not going to attempt to discuss anything? All right, sure. Quit hitting on me. But I'm sure everyone listening... Do you get hit on a lot? By women? No. I don't put myself in situations where lesbians are coming at me. No, I mean, you have to have a fan base of women that are probably lesbians.

Do you ever get girls that say, I was like you, and then I figured it out? Fuck men. Meet me at Sunset in the Brick. I don't think so. I have lesbians that come to the show really i mean not like in droves but would you have sex with rosie if if it was offered it was offered no but i do think people are a little hard on her she's not she's a heavy woman but it's not like she's repugnant like whatever she's very nice i'm sure she is i really enjoy talking to her i was i was really looking forward to i flew in really early just

to do her show i had like a fucking 6 a.m flight she's i mean she's been around she's put in the work remember she's nice was it exit to eden what was that one with the snm club or the yeah yeah i remember i remember the scene where she was dressed up in the crazy outfit with leather bullshit. And then she was in the Flintstones too, right? There's no crying in baseball! She was so good in that. Yeah.

Was that the one where she played the mentally challenged girl on the bus? I own that movie, Riding the Bus with My Sister. The worst Hallmark movie. Can I tell you my problem with this this i lend this movie out to friends hallmark sent me a three-part disc one year that had all their shitty movies oh my god i gotta watch that it's andy mcdowell who i think is the worst fake southern like worst thing ever rosie o'donnell is retarded in this movie and what i don't buy about it is that she's a mean retard and retarded people

aren't mean. She's a mean one? She's mean and smart and sarcastic. What? So it's just like Rosie O'Donnell but a little slower. Oh no. Like it was just like she was like you didn't like her. Really? She was like a mean retard.

If you watch this movie and it just there was nothing her face didn't look retarded she was like a mean retard. If you watch this movie. And it just, there was nothing, her face didn't look retarded. She was just like, bitchy. So she was just, she came off like a stupid person. You know, I think it's kind of insulting whenever a person who's not really mentally challenged plays a person who's mentally challenged. It's like, was the movie Pacific, whatever the fuck it was, where, what's his name? Downey, Robert Downey says never go full retard. Oh, oh.

Tropical Thunder. Tropical Pacific. Tropical Pacific. I knew it was Tropical. You went full retard because he played Simple Jack. Simple Jack, yeah. Yeah. Never go full retard.

Never go full retard. Come on. I mean, it's so true. Every time someone does. But people try it. Everyone thinks they're good enough to try it. Yeah. Even fucking Sean Penn went there. I think they do. you can have brain damage and not be because if you're

retarded your face will look different and their faces are all still stunning you mean down syndrome yes yeah i guess you can be retarded without having the yeah well i have a problem with you know like even the word retard has been kind of extracted from the vernacular you know we're saying it we're throwing it around real easy we going to piss a lot of people off. A lot of retards that listen to your podcast. It's a tricky word now where it didn't used to be. And it doesn't mean down syndrome. Well, it does in this Rosie O'Donnell case. Well, retarded actually means slow.

In music, you have a retard or retardo when things go slow. So take it up with the Italians. Well, not only that, the fire has been retarded. You can say that, can't you? Isn't it retarded? Is it with an N? Well, couldn't you say, yes. Well, retarded, yes.

But couldn't you say the fire has been retarded? Because of the gas fumes we're spraying on it, the fire has been retarded. You could say that. It wouldn't necessarily be. Yo, this fire is retarded. Yo. This could say that. It wouldn't necessarily be. Yo, this fire is retarded. Yo. This fire is crazy. Crazy retarded, yo.

Retarded. This is terrible. Yeah, well, I had this woman came up to me after a show once when I used to do that bit about Noah and the Ark.

You know, I do this bit about Noah and the Ark and the bit was that an eight-year-old retarded boy, you could tell him the story of Noah and the Ark and the bit was that an eight-year-old retarded boy, you could tell him the story of Noah and the Ark

and he would have some questions. And so you would tell, like, I had the best storyteller in the world who told this incredible story to Noah and the Ark

and then the eight-year-old retarded boy would go, oh, there's a lot of holes in that story and the kid sits down and just breaks down Noah's Ark.

I had this woman come up to me after a show and she goes, I thought that was really funny, except the fact that I have a retarded son. Whatever. And I'm like, I don't know what to tell you.

I'm sorry. I'm not really making fun of retarded people. I'm sort of saying. You're smart. I mean, I know it's, we have to sort of admit, and anything you do that's creative is supposed to be an expression of how

you view life and the culture, right? Are we supposed to never use retarded people because they don't exist? No. Or can't use them as an example?

But you know what? She was probably laughing at all the other jokes at the expense of yourself and others so when it pertains to you we have to make an exception. I could see how it sucked.

There's sensitive retarded people and regular retarded people. All retarded people are sensitive. It's like we're see how it would suck. There's sensitive retarded people and regular retarded people. All retarded people are sensitive. So it's like we're now... No, I think there's retarded people that make fun of themselves, obviously. What I was doing, obviously, was actually including a retarded person in my act. And that's where... No, she's retarded for being offended.

That's stupid. I don't know, man. If that was your kid, you'd want someone to know that it hurts. I understand where she was coming from. I have a friend who's a comic, and she's very funny, and one of her sons is autistic. And because she's a comic,

she not makes fun of him, but she has a sense of humor about it. And her email is rainmom instead of rainman. She gets it, and she makes not jokes at his expense, but she treats him like an adult. So you can be one of those people that gets it and gets their how they fit into the world or you can be weird and be like oh well he's retarded so no one can say that and i wish we weren't talking about her son in specific we were talking

about me making fun of an eight-year-old retarded boy i'm saying the fact that she had an issue with that is stupid i kind of see her point a little bit. I stopped doing the bit because I got it onto a CD or DVD. Right. But I would have kept doing it. It was a fucking good bit. It's a good bit. I think that's funny.

Yeah. I wrote some of the other... It was the point, man. I mean, he was the hero in the bit. Yeah, he was the smart one. He was the one who wasn't getting fooled by this stupid fucking book yeah coffee yeah yeah i don't know man it's uh i could see it from her point of view especially if someone was being malicious no you can't i mean obviously do what you want but you can't

harp on the exception and that's true too comedy's about generalizing i know and it would be nice if everybody had a fucking sense of humor right if anybody have retarded son then we could all Just fucking make fun of them How dare you every time people want to like you come bring it back again Your dog just poop on you and then you pet your crazy dog. You're a crazy dog lady. Yes, obviously You need to learn some Muay Thai kid Would you be more of a grappler or kickboxer you think? Throw dukes on girls. What do you think you'd like to choke you think? I have a question about that. Do you like to throw dukes on girls? Or do you think you'd like to choke a bitch?

I'll tell you the truth. Tell me the truth. I think punching is more useful, but no one expects you to kick them and take them to the ground on a Saturday night waiting in line at Hyde. It's true. So I don't know. I think I'd have to take an aptitude test,

like a physical aptitude test, to see which of my limbs is quicker, and then we'll just play to that strength. What? What? aptitude test, to see which of my limbs is quicker. Right. And then we'll just play to that strength. What? Physical aptitude test to see which of your limbs is quicker. Like, am I better with kicking? Am I quicker with punching? Like, which am I better at?

Am I naturally predisposed to? Well, the only issue with kicking is it takes a while to get good at it. And you have to think about, yeah, you're going to get kicked in the legs. To do it correctly, you've got to learn how to leg kick. And you've got to learn balance. You have to have really good balance. Because otherwise, someone's just going to take you down. It's easier to take someone down when they're kicking.

Especially if you're kicking to the body or to the head. I mean, I don't ever plan on being in a fight. It would be nice to know how to defend myself in case somebody gets crazy. But I don't want to get kicked in the shin. That's good thinking. It's good to think that way. Yeah, you don't want to get kicked in the leg. Getting kicked in the thighs, it's good to think that way yeah you don't want to get kicked in the leg get kicked in the thighs it's really hurt or a lot of times you get kicked in the calf like that the

lower shin like the fibula the little skinny bone yeah the tibia and the fibula yeah dudes will kick the shit out of the outside of your like the outside of your calf you know what they should do instead of having tasers they should have like hurts they should have little necklaces with like little vials that are just like filled with aids blood and then everyone knows what that is and so if somebody's attacking like hey i got my aids blood don't make me throw this in yeah no way would i not ever spill that on myself yeah that would be yeah throw it in their face in their eyes and stuff you still wouldn't want it to happen right you wouldn't want it to happen but it's a little tiny vial i would take my chances by the time you get to your vial and opened it up i think i'd beat your ass i think

i would rather have be tased and have aids blood thrown in By the time you got to your vial and opened it up, I think I'd beat your ass. I think I would rather have Aids blood thrown in my face. Some dude unscrewing a vial. No, I don't think you'd get a guy with a vial. How much is your vial? How big is it? Those little perfume samples. Dude, if that broke on you, what if somebody opened a door on you? Yeah.

What if it's titanium? But you'll kill someone. You'll go to jail for that if you willingly, knowingly give someone AIDS. Yeah, but if somebody's attacking you, you could just say you just threw some blood at them. Why not just have a thing of mercury? I'm sure that's better than like,

if somebody attacked you, you're allowed to shoot them, right? If you say, hey, yeah, he attacked me, I threw some blood on him, I think that's less than shooting somebody that's attacking you, right? That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard

you're one of the silliest men that's ever walked the face of the earth you really are they're saying AIDS blood probably is cheap and like a guy that has AIDS could sell his own blood

and make his own weapons for you and then that could help him pay his bills for having AIDS whoa why wouldn't you instead of giving him AIDS

give him something that'll mess with them temporarily like mercury poisoning. You can't, unless you can't talk to him. No, he gets this far. He goes this far out and fucking spasms me. Do you have AIDS and you're looking for ways to make money?

I'm trying to make money! I need to buy my AIDS blood! His brain has AIDS. Only his brain. It's only the part of his brain that forms sentences. I got brain AIDS. That part has AIDS. It's a very specific form of AIDS.

It's this big. Brain AIDS. It only hits one area of the brain that form logical sentences. That part has AIDS. It's a very specific form of AIDS. It's this big. Brain AIDS. It only hits one area of the brain that form logical sentences. Yes. That part as AIDS. Did you ever think

you had AIDS? Oh, at the time. I had an AIDS test when I got health insurance. The first time I had health insurance, I was like 23. I was terrified.

And you're like, even though you know you didn't have it, you were like nervous? Think of all the girls you fucked without a condom. Yeah. Really?

Oh, yeah. When Google first came, like when Google was out. I was living in Boston. When you're living in Boston, you don first came, like, when Google was there. I lived in Boston. When you're living in Boston, you don't have time to put a condom on. I lived in Boston.

Girls will get angry at you. Okay, I decide you're not gonna fuck me anymore. I changed my mind. You had to just stick it in while you could. You had to do your best. As quick as you could.

Get away from those monsters. Where were you going? Did you live in the city? You've got responsibilities. Responsibilities! I lived all over the place. Get away from those monsters. Where are you going? Did you live in the city? You've got responsibilities. Responsibilities. I lived all over the place. I grew up in Newton, but I lived in Revere

and Waltham, Medford. I lived in a couple different spots. I lived off Symphony. Lynn, I lived in Lynn. Oh, the city of sin. You never go out the way you came in?

Yeah. I ate pie there. I was really stoned one night. Whoa. Yeah, that was the grossest place I ever lived. That was on the ocean. The ocean was nasty.

It never felt cool to be on the ocean there. It's not a nice ocean. I couldn't appreciate it either. I was 19 or 20. Fucking everything. I don't know who I was. You have AIDS.

No, I thought I had AIDS once. There was this girl that I used to fuck around with. One of the girls that only had a threesome a couple times by one of the girls. It was the girl from that. She was a hippie. She used to fuck around with one of the girls that like only had a threesome a couple times by one of the girls

it was the girl from that and she was a hippie she used to be a hippie I ran into her and she was like looking hot she wasn't hippie anymore she has big boobs so we fucked a couple times

wait what she had boob job no no she always had good boobs but now she was no more hippie yeah no more hippie just hot girl

yeah just hot girl and so we fucked around we've you know back in the day they used to have like webcam things and I fucked her on webcam. You know, thank God no one ever recorded or saw it.

Whoa, you fucked her on a webcam? How old are you? 37. And then so. Doesn't he seem like he's 12? Yeah. Yeah. I thought you were younger.

Not like immature. I just thought you were. Right. Younger. And then she didn't live in the city. And so she got pregnant. And then she came back. And I had to like sell all this stuff to pay for the baby hammer or whatever it's called abortion and so uh then I found out from a friend that knew

her that's like dude she's been doing heroin lately you know she's I guess she's been doing heroin a lot now she's just fucked up and I'm thinking oh great I fucked a heroin addict you know with no condom on you know and I'm like thinking and then one day out of nowhere she called me up and goes brian um i need to talk to you about something and i'm like no no no no bad caller you know i hung up because my girlfriend was in bed with me right and i was just like i can't talk to you and for a couple years i was like what what did she want to talk to me about no no wait listen and then so then i went on google when google first came out i'm like uh i'm thinking any kind of symptoms i've noticed i've had and one was like sweating at night and i'm like typing sweating at night and it was like oh aids and then i was like what

else i got and i got like type in something else you know like uh headaches or something you know aids it kept on going back to aids so for a couple years i was freaked out then finally i had some kind of uh mole removed and they they had to do a full blood thing. I'm like, can you add the AIDS bonus test to that? I was fine, but it was such a relief. Then later I found out that she wanted to tell me that she was pregnant. She never got an abortion, and that she just wanted money to buy more heroin. Whoa.

So she had to confess to you? Yeah. It was one of the 10 steps. Yeah, that's one of those things it's 12 steps 12 steps whatever it is yeah you have to right the wrongs have you ever dated someone that was an alcoholic i went on two dates with a girl once it was really cool and she turned out to be an alcoholic the first day we had a great time i was like wow this chick is so cool you drank on the date or she didn't drink i don't think we did no we just hung out and i

remember talking to her i'm like she's so nice so normal and then the next night it was uh at some bar in hollywood uh where there was going to be a comedy show and she had got there before me with her friends and she was fucking hammered hammered right away hammered and and and for some reason mad at me and i hadn't done anything i had done like look nothing i just got there i was like what's going on or something crazy i was like why are you so drunk i go what the fuck happened to you and i go where are your friends is someone here with you i'm fine myself and she pulls away impressions of women women are so gross this one was this one was and there were boston ones she knocked a glass over and it was like the whole deal stumbled lost a shoe kind of get her shoe and put it on i was like

wow i really liked you like the first date i like this girl is cool she totally was like girlfriend material she was fun she was friendly she was nice and then boom next night trashed just like to the point of like there's no way you could ever hang out with someone who gets that drunk oh god because then it'll get personal then she really will be mad about something and what's awesome when you look real alcoholism in the eyes and they're just floating around with the rest of us like right most people that i know that drink could not drink from now to the end like between us like ari duncan uh joey all of us we if we sat around and we you know and we found out that one of us didn't never had a drink again

and that uh one of us uh just uh you know one of us just drinks every night now. I would be more likely to believe that they would just give it up. I don't think any of us would have a problem giving it up. I gave it up the other day for four days because I got so drunk Thursday. You gave it up for four days? Did you hear what I did, how drunk I got Thursday? I didn't even tell you this. No.

All right, so I went to this. What I I was gonna say though is that before you say this though is that that's most of us but we all do know one person who's not that way we know one person who you give them

a couple of drinks and they're fucking gone and I didn't know it existed until I met people in Hollywood I was gonna say I grew up

I didn't know anybody like that and you meet people in comedy in particular I'm sorry yeah it's true that I remember there's this one booker who was super cool, and then he would just be really mean to me. Oh, yeah.

I don't have any enemies in comedy. And I never understood. I'm like, what did I do wrong? Like, why is he mad at me? And I found out he was a raging alcoholic. And if you're not, if you're unaware of those types of people or how they act, you don't know how to handle it, because I never knew anyone like that. It's so bizarre when they literally change personalities.

You think it's you. Yeah. And not only that, you're actually trapped with a crazy person. If you're having a conversation with them and they're drunk and you're like, whoa, whoa, well, this person doesn't even see reality. They don't even see reason. So what were you going to say? I got Eddie Bravo drunk the other day, Indian drunk at Sam Tripoli's 90th show.

Oh, you didn't get him drunk. You got drunk i got i got you got as drunk as he gets yeah me me and veronica were uh going to the naughty show we both hadn't ate all day and we were like going to eat but we were running late so we're like you know what we'll just go for a bit and then we'll go get something to eat and i guess there was uh somebody told me there was what's that moonshine there and and i did a couple shots of moonshine but i thought it was just shots of vodka yeah and you on the Duke's Lazard yeah and so I got so fucking drunk that I don't

I blacked out I completely don't remember what is the alcohol what's regular alcohol 100 proof moonshine's 100 proof what is regular alcohol depends

like what's whiskey 75 I think 70 I don't know I don't know but grain that's grain alcohol it's way more powerful

than like tequila right that's why it's so illegal and people make it themselves yeah 100 proof so how many shots do you think that represents at a regular alcoholic i don't know but i had they have these old milwaukee cans about that big i had three of those what two shots what i thought was just vodka three of the old milwaukee giant old milwaukee oh i thought you were saying old milwaukee cans filled with that oh no no no no i was like how

are you alive yeah and so i that night i got, no, no, no, no. I was like, how are you alive? And so I, that night I got home and I was going through my phone and I was like, remembering all the shit that happened, trying to piece things together. And one of the things I did was at the, at the show, uh, somebody was yelling out Veronica's name when she was on stage at the naughty show. And he was like, well, Veronica, Veronica, come here. You know, like whatever. So I decided to make fun of him and outdo his heckling.

So I was, I have it on tape. It's on YouTube. I was going, Veronica, I want to shit on your face! But I did it 12 times louder and louder. Everyone in the audience is looking back like, what the fuck is this guy? Your girlfriend's name is Veronica? Yeah. So you're out heckling the heckler?

I'm out heckling the heckler. Why were you so inclined to do this? I don't know, but the video... That's where you went, yeah. The video is so hilarious, though, if you look at it. Oh, my God. It's Veronica, I want to shit on your face on YouTube. Oh, my God.

And then, so then, I felt... That video's available on YouTube right now? Yeah, yeah. And so I felt so bad that... Oh, my God. Anyways, then that night, I went across the street to where we always ate, the standard, when you used to always come to the store, and we went in, and there was only one other table

in the whole entire restaurant. So me and my girl were eating there, and the other table was a drunk Japanese guy, a big, tall black guy, and an Armenian. And they were about 50 to 55 years old. And they were wasted just being slobbery wasted. And the Armenian dude's staring at my girlfriend the whole entire time,

and to the point where I'm like, why is this guy staring at you? So we eat. I i'm gonna go to the bathroom then we'll leave so i go to the bathroom i come back and he got he was in the middle of this table he got out of the table he was leaning on the table freaking my girlfriend out like trying to hit on her doing something he knew i was with her he saw the whole time i was there right so i walk up to this and i'm like okay i'm wasted blackout wasted i'm going to act like a fucking psycho and this is how dumb I was I start going

what's up man hey how's it going like I was like on cocaine or like I was just like up in his face

what are you doing and it's like get the fuck out of here man and he's like oh I'm so sorry I'm so sorry and I was like don't make me fucking

shoot you man and like you said don't make me shoot you and it got to the point where the standard the security comes up and goes do we have a problem here I'm like no man and he's like here's me shit and it got to the point where the standard the security comes up and goes do we have a problem here i'm like no man he's like here's your bill and i tipped

him 100 it was like 43 dollars i tipped him like uh 40 dollars yeah 40 and i was just like you know because i was like while i was acting crazy i was just like uh you know security here's here's a 100 tip and then like i've come out like and you hear the guy sit down, and he's going, he's right. I don't know why I did that. I could hear him saying that. Right. And I go, have a safe trip outside, asshole, or something like that. And then the guy's like, man, stop.

Man, stop. And I just walk out. And I'm walking out, and I'm like, holy shit, let's get the fuck out of here. But I could have easily- So you played poker. You played poker. I played poker, and I bluffed's get the fuck out of here. But I could have easily – So you played poker. You played poker. I played poker, and I bluffed, and it worked. You won.

And the funny thing is before I went to – before I did this, I was like, hey, let's do a podcast while we're eating to Veronica. And I forgot that the waiter came up or something like that, and so I recorded the whole thing. You have the audio version of it? But I am so embarrassed by it. I do not want to release it. Can I listen to it?

I don't even know. I don't want anyone to hear it. Brian, this is a beautiful thing. No, no, no. It's the most embarrassing thing ever. You should sell that. It's so heckling. The biggest blackout night.

I documented everything. But you already admitted to it. But you already admitted to it. This is part of the 12 steps. Oh, you should totally That thing alone was like... Listen, bro, you're like a little slut right now.

You're teasing the world. I might release in the future, but I don't want to. You have to release it. I don't think... Come on, you already brought it up. You already... So embarrassing.

You gave away all the information. It's so embarrassing. Yeah, release it, right? You gotta release it. It's too embarrassing. It's not. You're crazy. I act like a fucking psycho.

Well, listen, you felt threatened. There was a bunch of men, you know. And see, what's so funny is that she did the same thing on New Year's. I think I talked about where we went party downtown, and it was one street from the shelter. And we were drunk at like 2 a.m. We were walking to our car with our friend that wasn't drunk that was driving us. And we were going through

what was like the homeless, where all the shelters are and stuff like that. So the street was just all homeless people, about 100 of them in one block, just like zombies walking around. And our car was in the middle of it. And then all these people kept on coming up,

like, hey, drunk. It's like Thriller. Yeah, it was like Thriller. It was exactly like Thriller. I've been there, yeah. And so all these people, my girlfriend's hot, hey, drunk. It's like Thriller. Yeah, it was like Thriller. It was exactly like Thriller. I've been there, yeah. And so all these people, my girlfriend's hot, dressed up New Year's Eve style, like buttholes showing out. You know, New Year's Eve style.

Your butthole out. It's New Year's Eve. Where's your butthole, girl? You ain't even fashionable. Yeah. And so all these people kept on coming up for money and stuff. And her response, her defense defense mechanism it's just going and like just like and people are like damn is that girl on crack you know like that that so i

think i did the same thing and i was so wasted i don't know you remember that she had done that that takes that comes from a weird place to be like i'm gonna act like a crazy person because yeah that's i don't think i could do that i think it's just too much confidence liquid confidence you know like I'm just gonna well you sounded like you were in another world man he sounds like you were so drunk you don't know what the fuck she already had her butthole out

I mean I guess well that's what that's normal it's Halloween cigarette butt hanging out it's Halloween if there's ever a time the butthole was will launch will launch?

yeah blossom the butthole blossoms why did you send me that picture by the way of what he's like can you do joe's podcast and i was like let me check let me see what i'm doing he was like it's a 4 p.m and then i click on my text and there's just a picture of a dog with a cork in its butt oh yeah and i was like don't i was like i don't and i just wrote back i was like i don't like that oh yeah oh you can't poop i'm like don't send me stuff like that

that's such a weird like from a to b like and now here's joe's address the time and dog with a cork in its butt well i've gotten i did not like it you know i uh that's not real it's a photoshop but i like it doesn't matter but i love sending random photos you know like and uh like i asked tom zagor if he has a he's busy Friday, and he's like, I'm in Minneapolis, so I sent him a picture of a big black guy with his dick out. And he goes, that's unnecessary. Yeah, you've done that to me. You'll notice none of us are thrilled.

You haven't done this to me many times. I think we've all seen enough disgusting crap. I'll write text messages from him. I open up the text message, and it's an image. You can't see what it is. It's at nighttime at a comedy club or something like that. I click on the image, and it's a black guy with a giant dick and a white guy sucking it.

Why is it always funny when it's a black guy's penis? I don't know. It's funnier. No joke. It's taboo for white people. This last weekend, it was my girlfriend's birthday, and she was turning 30. And I was like, I'm going to be in a material center

and erotic cake. And what they do when you call for the erotic cake is they take you through the entire order process and at the end tell you how much it is. It was like $200. And we're like not even close. For a boob cake? Why? Because a dick.

It's a dick cake? I guess. How much is a regular cake? You have to pay more for the dick. Like $10. It depends on how much. Like at the grocery store. $200 to make a dick cake?

To have it delivered to. Oh, okay. But it was like in Houston, it was so uncomfortable because I'm already calling. I'm like, it's like a big, and I had to get a black penis

because it's funnier for someone. I'm like, get a big black penis on the cake. And then he was like, all right. And he was so over his job. He's like, you won't come.

You want hair on the balls? I was like, I literally was like, please don't ask me that. It's uncomfortable. He's like, what are you talking? It's what I do.

It's what I do here. So for 200 bucks, you got a black penis and I had them write them have an elegant birthday. Yes. Oh, that's a good thing to say, honestly. Yeah, I didn't want to be like, suck a cock, it's your 30s. So I wrote something nice.

I think suck a cock, it's your 30s would have been way better, actually. Why would you not want to say that? I wanted to retain some shred of dignity. Save that dignity for the tourists. Save it for my 30s. Yeah, I used to always get boob cakes from my family

growing up from like 12 on or something like that. From them? From them or for them? From them. Like every day that was like the big thing

when my dad would get boob cakes. When you were 12? Yeah. When I was 13. And they were actual nipples? Well, they weren't real nipples. They were made out of like Hershey Kisses

or something. Ew! Like white Hershey Kisses. But it would look like two things. It was white nipples. Right? She's cold. What. But it would look like two things. It was white nipples. Right? She's cold.

What? But it would look like that, right? Yeah, yeah. It would look like boobs. It's fun. I couldn't eat it. I think I feel like there was like jizz

in the batter or something. Actually, I take that back. It wasn't full boob. It was the one where the bikini, but you could see a little boob like in it,

cakes. But the older I got, I started having nipples. But my 18th birthday, my dad... The older I got, I started having nipples but my 18th birthday but older I got I started moving up but I'm 15 boy we've changed your cake congratulations when I was 18 it was a black one you think you ever molested that you don't remember do you think something must have happened though right when you were younger that you're trying to block out what because you're like i had boob cakes growing up that is weird why you perish i don't know

and then i think when i was like 16 i started becoming boob cakes and i was 18 it was a black on vaginas like they had on the cake list they had like open vaginas vaginas with calm like who's like let me slice into this this looks great the midwest boom cakes were i guess more accepted i don't know social midwest yeah well there wasn't a lot to do there right well i think just anything it seems like you know people that lived in west virginia and ohio from ohio columbus ohio but i think like that whole little chunk of area i think people had a like a sicker sense of humor. Texas. Sicker sense of humor? Yeah.

I remember you'd go to these people's houses, and they would have little statues that were silly, and there was a penis involved. And that was at your grandpa's house. What? Your grandpa's house? No, none of that. My friends had elephants on their parents' mantles.

Brian, what are you talking about? You lived in a sad world. He's like, you have the boob cake, then you go cut wood. You grew up in a guy, you grew up in a guy with nuts. It's like a nutcracker with nuts.

I don't know. You grew up in a Stephen King movie, kid. Yeah, I did. It was a Stephen King movie. Yeah, that's what it is. It's just that it was, people were just not, had more humor,

sexual humor. They had more humor? More sexual humor. Sexual humor. Well, they're more... I think you just had pervy relatives. Yeah, it sounds like it. I'm talking about friends and neighborhoods, families. I'm talking everybody I knew? More sexual humor. Sexual humor. Well, they're more... I think you just had pervy relatives. Yeah, it sounds like it. I'm talking about friends

and neighborhoods, families. I'm talking everybody. More sexual humor than the dirty comedians you're hanging out with here? Like, what are you saying? No, I'm just saying they were like all...

I grew up feeling like everyone had a dirty joke thing. Like, everyone's families had, like, dirty magazines and everyone's... Maybe, like, if you find the dad's got, like, some Playboys and, like, one or you find the dad's got like some playboys

and like one or two things but not like on the mantle here well bootcakes i think were more accepted yeah i mean i think that was normal for a lot of people that get a bootcake or a cleavage cake when you're 16 really yeah absolutely i believe you i believe you it just it seems weird to me yeah does your mom have to order it no my mom would never give me a boob cake. She'd give me a Jesus cake. Did you ever have one of your friends who had a buddy who fucked his friend's mom? No. Did you know anybody who did that?

Never. Did you? Yeah. Yeah, I knew one kid. Okay. I can only see your eyes right now. Yeah, I remember one kid who fucked his friend's mom. His friend's mom was kind of a freak.

And I think they smoked weed together, too. Well, that's unforgivable. And he banged his friend's mom. His friend's mom was kind of a freak. And I think they smoked weed together too. Well that's unforgivable. And he banged his friend's mom. She was a single mom. Was she hot? Was he hot?

I was like 16 or 17 and I think he was a year older than us. He may have been 18. He might have been like a year out of school and we were sophomores. And he banged

this dude's mom. God that sucks. For the kid whose mom like that to know that. Yeah nobody was happy. Yeah dudes don mom like that to know that yeah nobody was happy yeah dudes don't like that i remember when no they don't like that yeah when i was in the boy scouts one of the fucking 18 year old kids was hitting on my mom in front of me and it was so uncomfortable yeah

one of the guys who just got out of the boy's flirting with my mom at the time my mom was in her 30s she was still pretty hot. That's crazy. It was gross, though, being a little kid going, what the fuck? Just thinking some dude wants to bone your mom. I would imagine that's awful. I never thought about anyone boning my mom. That's probably going to go through your head one day.

You're going to have to tell some little 18-year-old kid to get the fuck away from you. Yeah. When you're taking your kid to school. I do now. You don't want to tell him to take him. Do you? What? Do you do now?

Do you ever want to teach him, show him what's up? No. No? Grab a boy by the hair? Come here. No. Train him?

Train a good one? I can't. I really don't have a thing for guys that are younger than me at all. There's a PA that works on our show who is adorable and so cute, and I'm so attracted to him, but not in the way that I want to make out with him,

but I know he's hot. His name's Joey, and every time I see him, I'm like, oh, baby Joey, so little. Like, I can't. I know he's so hot, but there's nothing, I don't want to sleep with him.

I just want to like hug him. I have no sexual attraction. Like, I can tell if someone's hot, but I have no sexual attraction to anyone younger than me because it makes me feel so old. I don't like feeling old in my 20s. Right. That makes sense. Yeah, it's not attractive.

I don't know. And then everything starts to hurt. I feel so old as it is because I'm always so tired. Well, you're very smart for 28. I know. That's a problem. Is that a problem? It must be a problem in dealing with dudes.

Most guys in their 20s are even dumber than girls in their 20s because of testosterone. Yeah. Testosterone fucking clouds your mind and really massively slows down your ability to accumulate information because you're just so busy chasing pussy. Especially when you're in your early 20s. You barely learn a goddamn thing until you're like almost 30 and you're a dude. I get the feeling that a lot of guys, anybody comic that knows me obviously isn't hitting on me like you know me but i get i get this vibe that's nice though isn't it you're totally one of the gang

it's nice but i get this feeling that comics who i know just from seeing around different clubs or whatever that they're a little afraid of me and it's not because i want to like hurt anyone's feelings but if you come up to me and you say something stupid, I'm not going to be like, I'm going to be like, what? And then they get nervous. But I don't mean to. It's just like, act like a person if you're going to come talk.

Well, some men are just fucked up talking to women anyway. Some men are so insecure when it comes to talking to women that they fall apart. And it so quickly translates to hate. Yeah. You know what it is? I realized it when I had a friend who was an ugly dude who broke it down to me once

when he was talking about girls and I was trying to tell him from a girl's perspective and I'm like, just imagine if you're a girl and a guy like you is constantly trying to fuck her. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, and he said, well, here's the deal. He goes, I have to admit, he goes, I'm not good looking. He goes, it's just I'm not. So they don't want to attract it to me. So I have to try harder and I have to force myself in. Because someone will say yes.

Yes, someone will give in. Someone will just be overwhelmed by his confidence. But at the end of the day, they get angry at you. And for a lot of these men, they just have this direct association in their head with women, with feeling bad, feeling rejected, and they just want this direct association in their head with women, with feeling bad, feeling rejected, and they just want to strike out. And that's where a lot of them, that anger towards women comes from.

Even on my Twitter feed or my Facebook, grown men, and this is the weirdest thing to me. I understand guys can be gross. I don't fault anyone. You know, you're so hot, I want to fuck you. All right, that's what people say. But when I go on my Facebook page and you've written something

like i want to fuck you so hard i come to like something like that and your facebook picture is of you and your wife like what the fuck is wrong with you like you just had such an uncontrollable boner that you had to ejaculate words on my page and it just it's not flattering and it's or people write like really mean like i've been on podcasts before and even probably today and people will be like you're such a fucking cunt fuck your man

it's just so aggressive and you're like why? because I spoke like men get amped for stuff like that

oh yeah yeah I'm gonna check my Twitter feed right now keep talking now you're really gonna be yeah now it's gonna be

terrible you guys opened it but it happens you're gonna get so many cocks they say a woman scorned. It's like the worst. I think a guy scorned is probably worse because they get rapey.

A lot. They get rapey. A lot of men, especially dudes who don't do well, they do associate women with being the source of their misery. It's unfortunate. And you know why? Because prostitution is illegal. That's why.

Because if prostitution were legal, there would be brothels and someone could take care of those guys' physical needs. I'm not saying that women should be prostitutes, but I am saying there's some women who are going to be prostitutes. Some are just better. And it's not a bad thing, necessarily. It ain't a bad thing. It's a service to the community.

It's our idea that's bad. What? Yeah. It's okay to massage a guy, but it's not okay to massage his dick. I say bullshit. I think it should be legal. It would be safer. It totally should be legal.

Totally. It should be legal. It should safer totally should be legal should be regulated the girls should be checked they should do it like they handle it in other countries you know that's we're so because we're so i think we've talked about this puritanical yeah it's ridiculous we're like by the way grain alcohol is actually 100 someone wrote brian d morton wrote it's 180 to 200 proof and jack is god damn it 200 proof, and Jack is 80 proof. God damn it! 200 proof? I don't even know what that means. Oh, that hurts my liver just thinking about it. Smirnoff Ice is 5%. You just said 200 proof. Just stop and think about that. I don't know how to comprehend that.

That's 100% alcohol, right? That's 100% alcohol. It's like $43 in tip. Oh my God, what a fucking explosion in your liver that must be. Your whole bloodstream must be like, what the fuck did you just do? Yeah. Woo! Need to get a blood transfuse and just add some more.

100 proof is 50%, moonshine is 100%. So that's what someone said. So moonshine is 100%. I'm just reading a tweet. Wow. Yeah, I've heard some ridiculous high percentages of disgusting alcohols, but that's the highest I've ever heard. I've never heard anything that high before.

Yeah. 200 proof. I drank a shit ton of absinthe once. Is 200 proof 100%? Is that what it means? What does it mean? Yeah, I think 200. I think it's always 50%.

How can you be more than 100%? Yeah, how could you be? How does math work? Isn't it fun to be a comedian and be fucking ignorant? Oh, man. Fuck math. I went to South Africa when I was in high school

and absinthe was legal there and it wasn't legal here yet. And you hear about the green butterfly and hallucinating. And it's awful. It tastes like black licorice. Like, it's not good. I liked it.

Drinking and drinking and drinking it with the sugar and the thing. I just got shit-faced. No hallucinations because it's not made with wormwood anymore which is what makes you do that you can drink absinthe all day long you will not hallucinate from it oh that's interesting does anybody make it the other way with the wormwood nobody they're done it's illegal in general it's like poisoning you whoa but anyways you can't like it's just

it used to be that way and it's not anymore it's not quite the same as drunk right it's a little different i said the way i described it i said it was like a cousin of drunk. See, I just was drunk. I also drank a lot of other stuff. I enjoyed it. I did it in Vancouver. What? Made out with the hottest South African guy.

Whoa, yeah? Wow. Did you like his accent? Is that your first black eye? What if he said something really racist right before he put it in? What? What if he said something really racist

right before he put it in? We didn't have sex. They get kind of racist. You made out with them, though. I made out with them in a club, in a bathroom, and then we got kicked out because I brought in the ladies we were going to make out. You're a dirty bitch. I was 21.

I love it. Where is that? That's what I'm talking about. So are you a horny drunk, an angry drunk, or a happy drunk? Why are you questioning it? Why are you putting that angry part out there? Tired drunk? Wine.

Red wine drunk is the worst. It is. Can I just? Well, here's my dilemma. It is. My birthday's coming up, and I'm going to do, I want to do like a full-on asshole birthday where you get drunk and wear like a tiny dress and get a table, right? Really? Why do you want to do that?

Because it's my last birthday in my 20s. So what? So I want to have a party like I'm in my 20s. I have a dress that's this big. It's actually a sock, and I'm going to fit into it, and I'm just going to bring a bunch of girls with me. Can we videotape this?

Can we just let know what bar it is and hide? Can we videotape it and put it on the internet? Sounds like that would be a good idea. Can we smell the dress the following day? Smell it.

Who are you? Brian. But I get afraid because I never drink. I mean, I just don't ever have a chance to go on a party. I'm afraid that I'll have two drinks and be tired and miserable.

Right. Red Bull Vodka is all the way. Well, do you take vitamins? Do you take multivitamins? Do you eat healthy? I eat very healthy. Sleep good? Yeah.

I sleep 13 hours a night. Do you take vitamins too? Do you really? I need 13. Well, that's awesome. I'm a cat. That's awesome. I have nothing to get up for in the morning.

That's good though. That's good. You're well rested. But vitamins are important. Even on a healthy diet, i believe very strongly in vitamins i've had health issues that were corrected by vitamins take them every day shroom tech take that shit son that's shroom tech immune that's the shit for you i've been and i've been even though i eat healthy i've been oh you want to take it with me yeah it's yours okay i'll give you the all the other stuff too you have a flashlight

i don't want you sure you don't want one what am i gonna use that for you could just practice i don't want friends to come up i don't want anyone to come over and see that and see that yeah it could be a novelty item i get it can be what a novelty item the other day i took a picture of me sitting on my couch and one of my bras was behind me and so and it's not like a cute bra it's like one of these these like tan like. Utility bras? Yeah. Well, you have rather large bras. So do you have to have a special supporting type bra? Yeah, do you get a Sears for your bras? Sears? I'm not poor.

Oh, look at the way you said that. Oh my God. Did you know Sears is one of the few places you can actually have like custom made bras? If your boobs are too big for a normal thing, they can measure you. I don't have like freak. I don't have like. Well, one of them is. Well, about the teeth no i mean you don't used to be your twin it's just it had a nose it's like a little wishbone in there and that's a wishbone and

like a tooth and a nose it cries well we could we could take it out but we might have the entire tit so you had to choose between this wishbone and tooth-ridden tit. Sounds like rappers. Yeah. It sneaks once in a while. Yeah, that's my new group. That's my posse. This is my boy, Wishbone.

And this is bone-ridden tit. Anyways, my bra was behind me, and that was embarrassing enough that someone saw that. I don't want a flashlight sitting around my house. Why is it embarrassing when it's an ugly bra? Because these are strangers, and I can understand if you deliberately do it, but when someone sees into your home without you knowing, like the fact that they saw that and I wasn't aware of it. No, it's an ugly bra also.

It's not like, oh, that's hot. No one's ever looked at a nude-colored bra and been like, oh. Is that to minimize under your T-shirts like it's not hot right yeah i could see that i guess if i was a chick yeah it's not like kids don't give a fuck yeah they do find sweaty shirts and shit oh i thought you meant for looking at bras oh but coming over a girl's house and find bras you don't want to see an ugly bra a cute bra is fine oh you're out of your mind i don't give a fuck really unless it's grandma really grandma lee by the time i'll show you a picture of an ugly bra i don't know what kind of guys you're hanging out with but any guy that gets turned off by a fucking bra laying around

not turned off but there are more attractive not that i want to turn i don't guys don't give a fuck are you crazy i understand guys don't give a fuck i'm saying if you had a choice different idea of what's good and bad and and what's nice and not nice we we walked in your house there's a bra on the ground we would laugh yeah no you would but and i understand guys don't care like girls like oh doesn't my underwear match he doesn't give a fuck i totally get that i'm just saying if you had a choice of looking at like a really cute lacy black bra versus like grandma's nude full coverage utility bra you'd rather see the cute one well i guess but i really we don't give a

fuck it's all for you i would not most guys don't give a shit about lingerie get that shit off i want to see your body i agree i agree i don't get turned on by you pick your dog up because i have a litter box in here for real her breath does smell like yeah don't have your dog eat my cat's shit that would be the circle of life you're such a strange person eliza slush you're you're you're a little animal that you take care of and bring everywhere whoa yeah she's got teeth and shit that's not weird she's probably developed like kill rats in the sewer too right yeah like when i give her toys she's like she breaks their necks she She's half long-haired dachshund, half long-haired chihuahua. What is the first one? Half long-haired dachshund.

Long-haired dachshund. Oh, I see that. And she likes the apples. That's a cool mix. She likes apples and carrots. Didn't they make dachshunds for that very reason? To go after things like that's where they had long bodies, little short legs.

Just to go in rat holes or something like that. Wasn't that like Jack Russell Terriers? I know they bred them for that. Jack Russell Terriers are aggressive little doggies going after squirrels and shit. Does Blanche ever bark? Yeah. Is it a barker?

She'll bark at squirrels and stuff. She's not a social dog. She doesn't care for other dogs. When your dog eats poop, does it make you love her a little bit less? She doesn't do it. It's disappointing. It's like finding out your daughter does

crystal meth. It's like getting your car broken into. She's a good girl. I mean, finding out your daughter does crystal meth. It's like getting your car broken into, yeah. But she's a good girl. I mean, look at that face. I know. But she eats poop. And see, that's what my dog does. She doesn't actively eat.

It's not like she takes it every day. Well, she's not going to pass up on it if it's on the buffet. Yeah. You used to have a bit about that, didn't you? Yeah. Yeah. It's fucking gross. You don't get like this with your pets? I do.

With your daughters? Do you ever get this aggressive, like, oh my God. With my daughters a little bit, but not really with my pets. It would freak my cat out, and my dog's pretty big. You don't really want him getting into doing that. No, you don't want him in your face. But when you love something, in my act, I talk about how I want to rip her face off. Like, when you love something so much.

Really? Like, you just want to hurt it. I think that's a girl thing. Yeah. Yeah, that's a girl thing. That's why relationships always end. Girls want to bite your face off? Yeah, they love it so much they want to hurt you.

I'm going to fucking hurt you, you little freak. Seems like that's true, though. Like girls always want to hurt the person they're with and me. Well, it might just be you. I mean, how many fake abortions did I pay for? There can't be any abortions. Listen, powerful people. Powerful people, this fucking podcast is over.

Eliza Schlesinger, if people want to find you, if they want to catch you out there in the wild world, on Twitter, you are... Find me on Twitter, at I-L-I-Z-A. I-L-I-Z-A and we we will tweet this after the show we tweeted it before the show as well I'm tweeting it right now

and what's do you have a website? at oh it's just Eliza I-L-I-Z-A dot com really? how'd you get both of those? no one spells their name like me

oh that's awesome yeah oh you're so lucky I still that's so easy to memorize it is but no one spells like that so everyone's like I tried it with an E

and I couldn't find you oh where are you going to be doing your little stand-up comedy routine? I'll be this weekend at the LOL Comedy Club in San Antonio.

LOL Comedy Club in San Antonio. Where's that? What part of San Antonio is it? It's near the river. It's off loop. It's off the 410 loop. Oh, okay, cool.

So there's two comedy clubs in San Antonio now? I don't know. I think there was another one, right? Wasn't there another one? We're probably sure to get punched? The fake punch incident?

Yeah. You remember that? Yeah. They made a fake video of a guy beating him up, and everybody got so excited that he got beat up. It was the opposite of what they wanted. That's so funny. It was really horrible, man.

That was the first time, because that was one of the first celebrity things like that where a guy fakes something. He's like, dude, dude, dude, and then he punches him, isn't that? Yeah. The guy gets on stage, and the guy's fucking huge. And's like, dude, dude, dude, and then he punches him, isn't that? Yeah. The guy gets on stage and the guy's fucking huge.

And then the video, they released it afterwards and it's him working it out. But the negative comments after the first video were like, yeah, fuck that faggot, punch him in the face. The things, the hate that he received

must have been horrific. To know that people feel like that about you. That they want you to go out. There's so many people. And that it was so accepted. There was no one standing up for him. There was no one that was going, hey man, In the Army Now is one of my favorite all-time movies. Fuck you. You're the asshole.

Paul Schur makes millions of people smile. That was some... That's hardcore. That was intense. It was intense. Horrible moment in your life. Texas, they fucking party though. I do love going back to texas we haven't been in a while i think uh next next gig we're gonna do is in austin trying to work that shit out for the spring you probably you don't play clubs you do like theaters

i do clubs and theaters see i i've been coming to this one club in austin for so long it would feel weird if i didn't go back there yeah i performed i did my first dvd there in 1999 so i i can't i just that's my spot can i tell you what like a really humbling moment i had at cap city aside from when a fan brought a buck knife to meet me which is uncomfortable uh you have it on his belt so you saw it it was behind him yeah okay he came up he was like hey it was very like what's your problem uh when i called and i was like hey i'm driving over um where can i park and they didn't care that i was the headliner they're like uh there's a hobby lobby across the street across the freeway oh yeah you can just park over at the hobby lobby i'm like there's no parking for no hobby lobby i'm like i'll just make the hike over the headliner yeah that's not

even true you know there's a back alley where they always tell us they always park right behind not only do they wait for us too. We're men. We are men. It's a difference. That's very weird. Maybe I should have been more assertive. Yeah.

In general, I should be more aggressive. Maybe it was a girl answering the phone. Maybe she didn't know or maybe it was like a manager that didn't know and I'm not the kind

of person to be like, do you know who I am? Your dog's going to eat cat shit. Come here. She's on her way. Come here. Go get her.

Come here and see that face. Yeah. What were we talking about? Cap City. That's it. You were saying you love Austin, and I was saying I'll be in San Antonio. Yeah, but you were talking about them not giving you.

Oh, this is what I was going to say. Hobby Lobby. Do you think that that's like a girl, that a girl just didn't want, like she was answering the phone, like fucking female comedian, thinks she's going to come in, headline, females ain't even eating good. I don't eat good. You you know i i don't because it wasn't even the first night i think it was so many times we don't realize how a lot of people that have jobs in general you were in a comedy club not they're not necessarily up to like they don't really know what's going on it could have been that or maybe there was something there might have been something

going on where they were doing maintenance and you couldn't park i just right it was such an odd thing and i as a girl it's so quick you're so it's so easy to get labeled a mean name if you stand up so i just sometimes i'm just very like okay no problem did you hear that um what the fuck is his name again that got fired eddie brill who got fired from letterman i don't what did he say he said uh what was it women something about how women try to be more like men in their acts, and that's why they're not funny or something. I 1,000% think that there's no way he got fired because of that one comment. Yeah.

Like, let's get serious. I don't know what else he did, but no one stands up for women that much. Like, women get raped every day, and people can still keep their jobs. Probably just a bad poker hand. Yeah. Yeah, but it's different when you're on a show like that where you're the judge yeah when you're the one who's your job is to discern who's capable of being on the show and if you say something so blatantly sexist and so blatantly judgmental like he's formed an opinion yeah and that's one of the

reasons why women can't be funny i mean he didn't even qualify with you know there are some women that try to be like men and you know that it's a balanced act it's a balancing act which it is i think it's more difficult i think he just saw some shitty comics i'm sorry like a lot of them are shitty and he probably just watched those tapes and you're right i've never sent in a tape so i was actually upset that his sentence wasn't except for eliza schlesinger she's awesome i genuinely thought i would be included in the conversation were you upset when you hear shit like that like someone said do you feel like that like gives you like a ramp that you have to like run up where everybody else has like a an even start I gotta be honest I feel that my act is just so different than every other girl that I just don't include myself in the

same category as most female comics why is that I just do i just i see the audience i see my material i see topics that most women talk about versus what i talk about and the approaches and stuff like that and i just have never viewed women as the competition i think of everyone as a competition but i just don't um i've never seen a girl you really do though you really do think of people as the competition which I always thought was fascinating because I was a very competitive person

but I tried to never look at other comics as competition because I think it's unhealthy I think the way to look at comics is use them for inspiration be inspired by them

but when you know it's not like you're playing a game where they can keep you from doing it it's not like you're playing football and they can keep you

from getting the ball no it's not direct competition it's you know you're smart about it. I don't go online and watch everyone else and go and I don't Google other people. It's not like that. You don't ever watch other acts? At the clubs and stuff.

And sometimes I'll go on and I'll watch certain ones that I really like, but I don't do it out of being envious. And, you know, you keep an ear to it. Oh, he auditioned for that or she did this or that's a showcase you want to get. I like going and watching people online because it gives me like a charge i get like excited if i see somebody good like if somebody sends me a clip hey check this guy out and i go watch and it's really fun i go oh that's fucking funny i'm gonna write like a me i get this like like i get charged up like whoa i want to create something cool that does to me or does to someone else the way that did to me that is the

way i felt the first time i saw dane cook this is a long time ago this must have been five years ago when i just started and someone took me to the laugh factory and it was like that tourgasm it was fucking like no one else had when did you start what year i must i graduated college in 2005 so maybe i started 2006 2000 2006 it's pretty fresh 2005 2006 that's kind of amazing you know so you won the last comic standing you've only been doing it for like what four years three years

three years that's amazing but when I see comedy I like it makes me happy I never think when did you start headlining on the road

right after last comic that is crazy they were like by the way you're a headliner now how much time did you have I had 45 minutes already

after three years just because from doing last comic you just start building. I'm not saying it was the most solid, but when they tell you, by the way, you have to headline now, you have one shot to headline, and if you fuck it up, they're going to put you at the bottom of the list. And a lot of guys did do that, right?

Yeah. A lot of people did fuck it up. I knew that, and I was just like, I'm not going to give it, I'm going to make sure I have it. Yeah, out of all the people that did really well From the last comic It's like you Hefron Ralphie May And a couple other people Right

John Reap John Reap John Reap did really well Yeah What Is that Rick Ross The rappers Ew

What He sent you Rick Ross No it's just like Some huge black guy Wow Big black guy With his cock hanging out The big That is Forward me that Just in case I don't Ross? No, it's just like some huge black guy. Wow. Big black guy with his cock hanging out.

The big, that is. Forward me that, just in case. I don't. I might need that. And he's uncircumcised. That's really gross.

That's so gross. Speaking of uncircumcised, this podcast is brought to you by the Fleshlight. We want to give thanks to the Fleshlight. Thanks to Eliza Slesher-Jerr for being hilarious as always. Thanks for having me again. This was really, really fun. This was fun.

This was even better. We know each other better than the last time we did it. It was much more loose and relaxed, I think. I'm excited to get, you're going to take me fighting. You said? Yeah, totally. I'll take you to the gym.

Yeah. Yeah, I'll teach you some Muay Thai. Muay Thai. I'll take you to a Muay Thai class, learn how to kick people's legs. It's fun. It's great exercise, too. It gives you like something,

like, it gives you something, it gives you a skill, but it also gives you like something to do at the gym. I'm going to need something to fall back on when the stand-up doesn't work. I gives you a skill, but it also gives you something to do at the gym. I'm going to need something to fall back on when the stand-up doesn't work. I bet you could be a serious fighter if you wanted to be. A million dollars a day. You're very smart and you're very competitive.

All you have to do is do the right steps. Don't slack off. Be disciplined. Don't wear a bra. Those are legit too, right? Yeah. They're not like bags of silicone. Well, that's good.

Well, they actually have chest protectors. Texas titties. They have silicone. Plates. These things. Yeah, they actually have chest protectors. Texas titties. They have silicone. Plates. These things. Yeah, you wear them. It's like a hard plastic. It's like a bra protector sort of a plate.

Yeah, I don't know how much it helps. I mean, I don't know what the science behind it is. They've developed some pretty good science for the balls recently. They have some new stuff to protect the balls. Ball science. All our best ball scientists have been hard at work protecting your junk. They've been hard at work protecting your junk they've been hard at work hard at work clang trying different combinations of things and hitting people's balls at fastballs all right that's the end of this fucking podcast eliza you're the shit thank you

thank you for joining us it's uh it's nice to have so many cool friends we're so lucky all of us for real right as comedians we're so lucky to have all these fucking cool friends. We're so lucky. All of us, for real, right? As comedians, we're so lucky to have all these fucking cool friends. One of the coolest things about this podcast is this big group of people that we have brought together

and Eliza, you're in the fold. You're in there. You're in the fucking mix. Thank you. Please, thank you. All right, thanks to the Fleshlight. Go to joerogan.net.

Click on the link for the Fleshlight. Enter in the code name Rogan and you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men. Oh, shit. And we were also brought to you by Onnit.

Onnit.com. Onnit, the makers of Alphabrain. O-N-N-I-T.com. Makers of Alphabrain, the cognitive enhancement supplement. Shroomtech Sport, the endurance and energy supplement for extreme athletic pursuits. If you're into kettlebells or CrossFit classes or jiu-jitsu, try out some Shroom Tech Sport. It is the shit. I enjoy it. I take it before every one of my serious workouts.

We're also brought to you by Shroom Tech Immune. There's a bunch of different products on Onnit.com. Go there. Check it out. If you go to my website, JoeRogan.net, click on the link for Alpha Brain, enter in the code name Rogan. You'll save 10% off. to my website, joerogan.net.

Click on the link for Alpha Brain. Enter in the code name Rogan. You'll save 10% off. And as always, the first 30 pills, the first size you buy, whatever it is, first order rather, if you don't like it, you get 100% money back guarantee. You don't even have to send it back in. All right? We love you, freaks. Tomorrow, we'll see you soon.

Yeah, tomorrow, it'll be one of the best shows we could ever put together. It'll be Little Esther. It'll be Joey motherfucking Diaz. Duncan Trussell. Brian Redband. Jason Tebow. Jason Tebow. And me.

All the Ice House. It's only like 15 bucks, right? Icehousecomedy.com. And Ice House is, by the way, run by some of the nicest people. The waitstaff is cool as fuck. The whole place has a great vibe to it. It's a really cool old school comedy club in Pasadena that's been around since the 1960s, I think. It's really badass.

It's one of my favorite places. And it's also where we do the Ice House Chronicles podcast, which is while we're doing shows there, simultaneously we have a studio and we do podcasts at the same time. Eliza Schlesinger, you've been on that podcast. I have, twice. Twice. Once was a scratch. And when we do it, it's's really your dog just went in there go get he's eating shit

jesus christ anyway um helping you out we're uh uh whatever on it.com blah blah blah okay so this thursday night how do they get to it ice house comedy.com we also have a show friday without joe rogan but a bunch of other comics so icehousecomedy.com We also have a show Friday without Joe Rogan but a bunch of other comics. So Icehousecomedy.com Also Friday if you're going to be in Vegas I am going to be with Joey Diaz and Duncan Trussell.

We're doing the House of Motherfucking Blues at the Mandalay Bay. Then the next day it's Carlos Condit and Nick Diaz. Jesus Christ the fucking stars

are aligned. It's going to be crazy. It's going to be an awesome epic weekend between two of the best fighters on the planet Earth and two of the three best 170 pounders in the world. And this is going to be crazy. It's going to be an awesome, epic weekend between two of the best fighters on the planet Earth and two of the three best 170-pounders in the world. And this is going to be chaos.

I can't fucking wait. The whole card is nasty. The whole card's sick. And so that's this weekend. Friday night, House of Blues. Tomorrow night, Thursday night, Pasadena Ice House. For all information, go follow me on Twitter. Follow Red Band.

Follow Eliza. I-L-I-Z-A. Super easy. And anybody else they should follow? Any friend you want to plug? Your Twitter's nice. Oh, can I say one thing? Sure. information go follow me on twitter follow red band follow eliza i-l-i-z-a super easy and anybody else they should follow any friend you want to plug twitter's nice oh can i say one thing sure uh text from bennett the twitter account i told you about that's hilarious that is like a billion followers i'm gonna show it to you explain it again uh it's this guy uh there's mac lethal and he's this white guy who's got a cousin who thinks he's black and the guy sends him texts all the time he doesn't know that he has this account and there's it's the funniest most ignorant stuff you've ever heard

and he's created this account but he is a huge fan and he wanted you to know oh please i'm going will you send him a tweet i'll show you yeah what is it text from what it's like txts from bennett b-e-n-n-e-t-t all right all right that's it sorry page doesn't exist we love you bitches we'll see you soon bye bye