The Joe Rogan Experience - #1812 - Doug Stanhope

Episode Date: May 4, 2022

Doug Stanhope is a stand-up comedian, author, and host of "The Doug Stanhope Podcast." http://www.dougstanhope.com/

The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day. Oh goodness me boy. Good morning. Good to see you, pal. Good morning, first sip of the hooch of the day. That's not your first cigarette. How many cigarettes you got so far?

To the point where I go, maybe I should have brought two packs. By the way, ladies and gentlemen, Doug Stanhope just found out today that he has had COVID. Just moments ago. You didn't even know you had it. You do the regular COVID test before you do the show. And she goes, have you had the antibody one? And I said, no, because I always feel like I have COVID. Oh, because I always feel like I have COVID.

Did you say, and I read this, that people who smoke cigarettes for some reason were like getting it less? Yeah, I read a lot of those. And then I saw a lot that disputed that. So I didn't read the ones I didn't want to hear that news. And I read the ones that say, yeah. Yeah, that sounds like how I digest news. But they also say if you do get it, you're more likely to wind up on a fucking respirator,

which I'm going to wind up on a respirator at this rate regardless. I don't mind if I fast forward the process. We've got to fill you up with stem cells, get you in a hyperbaric chamber, reverse the process. Just clean you up. Clean you up. From 40 years of smoking? Bison meat, spring water.

We got you. Don't worry. Just put yourself in Dr. Rogan's care. We're going to take care of you as I puff on this joint. I did. Oh, so I go to Kill Tony last night and I'm up on the judge's stand, whatever you call it. And I'm pretty pickled by then. We started with margaritas at one thirty and now it's nine o'clock.

And after the show, some guy tries to give him a bag of edibles and he goes, no, no, thanks, though. And I go, no, you always take the drugs, even if you don't want them. And then you give them to someone else at the thing and go, hey, I can't fly with this. Right. And then you made two people really happy. One guy's happy that you took his drugs and the other guy's really happy. So I go, what are they? And he said 50 milligrams.

And I split it. I took half because I'm a 10 milligram guy. I'm tripping my balls off on 10. Really? Yeah. And then Tony, I gave Tony the other half and he goes, no, I don't do weed. And I go, ah, fuck it. So I took 50 milligrams and I was drinking enough.

I drunk enough that I kept forgetting that I was super fucking high. I thought I was just too drunk to be in a bar. And then I got back to the room and I'm digging through my bag trying to find any leftover bag of fucking airplane peanuts I might have left behind. Because I'm too high to be in public and go buy something to eat. And there's nothing in the hotel open. And I'm just eating fucking gummy bears and salty snack fucking mixing. That's one thing I don't get for whatever weird reason. I don't get munchies when I'm high.

All right. I don't know why. It's never been a thing. Sometimes I will only eat if I take edibles now. Really? I think I get 85% of my calories from liquid booze. How much edibles are you taking these days? Because you were always like a non-weed guy.

Yeah, but they made edibles are you taking these days? Because you were always like a non-weed guy. Yeah, but they made edibles delicious. I always hated the taste of smoking. It would make me cough. I was one of those guys that coughs on the first puff, and then I'm coughing for an hour. And then the yuck mouth I got would ruin the taste of cigarettes. I like cigarettes more than being high. But edibles is a whole different story. Yeah, I love edibles.

I love, like, gummies. I love those little gummies because, you know, you take them and it's about an hour in. They start to, like, creep into your system and then an hour and a half in, you're like, oh, Jesus. Yeah, I love them. And sometimes for me, it'll be three hours. Sometimes it's 20 minutes. It's a totally different drug, you know, than THC. It's 11-hydroxymetabolite is what it is.

Did you say it fucks with your liver more? No, it goes through your liver. It doesn't fuck with your liver. It's not toxic. But it's called the one pass is what happens when it goes through the liver and it produces this metabolite. But it's five times more psychoactive than THC. So if you have like an equivalent amount, like I've given people edibles before

and they're like, dude, this is something, this is laced. I'm like, no, that's what happens. It's the good stuff. And I haven't done mushrooms in years but this gives me the same feeling as a good, easy mushroom trip. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel the same way.

Yeah, like a light, like micro-dose mushroom trip is nice, man. When I was getting canceled, that's what I kept doing. I just kept doing mushrooms. I feel the same way. Yeah, like a light, like micro-dose mushroom trip is nice, man. When I was getting canceled, that's what I kept doing. I just kept doing mushrooms. I did mushrooms every day. I did them every day. And I was just thinking about everything but all the bullshit that was going on on, you know, social media and CNN and all that stuff. All I was thinking about was just the universe.

It's so nice to get away from that. Oh, my God. Just don't watch. Don't know. Don't care. from that oh my god don't watch don't know don't care I just inhaled a piece of marijuana that's what happens when you blah so apparently abortions illegal again right what happened what here did you hear what happened? No. Not just here. No, there's a leaked memo, apparently.

Someone leaked something that says that they're going to overturn Roe v. Wade. I don't know if it's real. Everyone's already commenting on it as if it is real. I don't know if it is real. But apparently what that means is that it's going to be up to the states. So people who live in states where abortion is already, you know, like blue states, I don't think they have a worry, but other states probably do. You know, it's kind of, hey, medical tourism. Yeah, that's what's going to happen. It's going to happen. It's fucking weird, man. It's weird people telling other people what they can and can't do with their

body is weird because like Texas is a weird law. law no i shouldn't say weird a terrible law where it's six weeks who the fuck knows they're pregnant at six weeks you just missed your period like people just found out i had covid yeah exactly exactly could have been a baby ago and girls who have irregular periods that happens all the time i think i mean i don't know i don't have a vagina but uh that's what i hear i hear it happens all the time. And so for the longest time, you know, people have dealt with that and just sort of live their life and take a pregnancy test. And now you find out that you're pregnant. You literally have like a fucking week to find a place, get an abortion. If you want to get an abortion, make a decision. You have to make a decision, you know, like, but the, um, the thing that i'm thinking of is people that have like if something happens to you like what if you get raped what if uh what if you know anything like that or what if uh you know some like a family member molests i used to have a bit about it but it's it's a talking point like how is it how How should it be? Okay in cases of rape that's like saying enough. This is a living thing unless his dad was an asshole, right?

Right right right right baby's fault his dad was exactly right. How is it the baby's fault that? But what if it's your father or something fucking crazy sick? You know it's just I just don't like you know I don't like people telling other people what they can and can't do, but it gets weird when the baby gets like six months old. You know, it gets weird when they're really, really pregnant because in some States for the longest, I don't know, I don't know what the rules are now, but I know that some States had late term abortions and sometimes you need one for medical reasons, right? Like the woman could die if she gives

birth. Like it's a decision that people have to make well If you look back, what was your favorite part of being a fetus? ah Well, what was your favorite part of being three? You know should I be able to shoot you at three because I don't want to take care of you anymore It's one of those things. It's like I am 100% for a woman's right to choose But as a human being just just as a person observing things, there's a big difference between a little clump of cells

and a fetus with an eyeball and a beating heart. And for anybody to pretend there's not, you're not doing any argument. But where do you draw the line? Right, where do you draw the line? Yeah, that's the question. And it's what I call a human issue. It's a very complicated issue. It's so fraught with emotion, and it's what I call a human issue. It's a very complicated issue. It's so fraught with emotion and it's so political.

There's people outside the Supreme Court right now that were like chanting and rattling the cages, rattling the fences. Apparently there's been, I thought that they put the fences up because of that, but no. They put the fences up because a guy in Colorado, a guy in Boulder, of course, lit himself on fire and killed himself for climate change. Which is like, if you're going to kill yourself, why would you light yourself on fire and contribute to climate change? You're literally contributing to the carbon in the air. It's like, dude, just, you know, I mean, the guy's gone. No disrespect to the fellow. You got to compost yourself.

He meant it. He felt it. It's a complicated thing, but it's another one of those things. But it's like 18 to be an adult is a very arbitrary. Very arbitrary. Nature told you you're an adult when you're ready to procreate. Right, but you can't even drink. I know.

But you can have a child. You can get married. You could fight in a war. You're not ready for drinking yet. What the fuck is that? I know. It makes no sense. When I was a kid-

And it makes worse drunks because- Yes. They always talk about in Europe where kids have wine with dinner. Yeah. Yeah, they're not fucking raging assholes at spring break. Yeah, they're different over there. They're normalized. When you take Catholic school girls, for example,

you tell them, you can't fuck guys, stay away, boys are the devil, the penis is going to take you straight to hell. Those girls can't wait to fuck guys. They're the horniest girls. Well, anything that's taboo. When they're in high school and they're only with girls. When you drove a car before you had a license,

your brother would let you drive his car and it was completely illegal. You loved being stuck in traffic. Right. was we because this is i'm doing something wrong and now you fucking hate driving across town that's true yeah a car used to be well some of them are still a ride drive an old car it still feels like a ride when i drive like one of my old muscle cars it feels like i'm on a ride it doesn't feel like i'm driving it feels like i'm on i'm at disneyland disneyland for adults what do you got what what's in your your jay leno garage i don't have that many not like jay leno has like 11 warehouses i just have a couple of muscle cars that's my thing is like old like 1960s 1970s cars those are the

ones i love i just i stare at them and I think about them I think when I look at Them and I don't just think well, that's a cool car. I think damn Well, what was life like back then to be a person who's driving this car? What did I believe what access to information did I have like but my my entire worldview was based upon? experiences that I had at college or something I heard from a friend and books and It's hard for us to remember what that kind of life must have been like Because we kind of grew up and and when we were adults, the internet started emerging, and then cable news started emerging,

and there was enough alternative perspectives and viewpoints, we're getting more information with every year, and then all of a sudden, with the internet, it's like now you have this tsunami of information that's almost maybe too much much safer sometimes but I just always wonder like what was life like 1969 for these people growing adults driving a Camaro I bought a buy all this weird vintage Delta stuff because my huge Delta guy Delta the airlines

Yeah, and so on eBay I found Old sky magazines that was the in-flight magazine from the 70s And so on eBay, I found old Sky magazines. There was the in-flight magazine from the 70s. And I'll leave them in the seat back pocket when I fly, like in 1974. But just reading the ads from back then, seeing things about all those old cars, Ford Granada coming out now. Yeah, yeah. It just takes you way back.

Yeah. I get old USA Todays. Ooh. Like from the 80s and 90s. Where do you get them? eBay. Oh, wow. And I'll read them on the plane.

Just reading old stories is way more fun than reading stories from yesterday. Yeah, it is. I mean, it's a version of history. It's like you're getting a version of history books. You're getting it from the actual source of the news that was distributed to the population while the ship was going down.

I mean, I think every stand-up comic had to read USA Today, because they used to flip them at your door in the hotels every morning, or have a stack of free ones. What was the paper that had the wacky stories? There like what was usa today one of those news of the weird it was like the last page or so was like these wacky stories the column was called news of the weird was that a usa today that's the you know the kind of one where a guy you know got eaten by a snake or he fucked a vacuum cleaner and lost his right right right right yeah or had to grow i saw a guy grew uh he

got his dick something happened and uh it got removed from his body and then they had to reattach it and they reattached to his forearm so he had to let it grow on his forearm until it got enough blood supply or something and then they put it back yeah yeah i don't understand that fingers and shit too do you understand that what happened there he did that with fingers and shit too. Do you understand that? What happened there with that guy? Do you know what happened? I'm sure you know the story. You were up on all things, getting your dick cut off, right, Jamie?

Yes. But I had one, the headline was where the smoking ban on airlines is going to the house for a vote. I remember those days. And reading that while they're doing the non-smoking announcement. Like, do you really still have to keep saying that? Right. Isn't that crazy? This is from 1989, this newspaper.

That's how long it's been. It is crazy when they tell you you can't smoke on a plane. Like, who doesn't know that? Yeah. I used to have a bit where it just makes me crazy. Yeah, we haven't been able to smoke for, I said, that's like if you get on a city bus today, and they said, remember, according to federal regulations, colored people can now sit wherever they like.

I know that. Everybody knows that. Why do you keep saying it? Yeah, stop saying colored, too. You can say color people but that would be the nomenclature of the day for an announcement oh no i know that but i'm saying how weird is it that you can't say color people but you can say people of color yeah it's most fucking life doesn't make sense right exactly everyone who's screaming about

fucking masks don't do anything i'm not wearing it on a plane. Well, neither does putting your fucking seat in the upright lock position. That doesn't do anything. All their bullshit announcement, they don't do anything. I think people are, they don't like additional new ones. Like you can have all the ones that make no sense, like the seat up and down thing. And then there's an additional new one. Like that's it.

That's the line. I'm not fucking cross. This is where where i'm gonna die on this hill yeah you can you'll gladly walk through the scanner so fucking some minimum wage security hack can look at your wife's iud close up and clear but no do you remember they had the one scanners that were showing people's hogs? So they decided I had to get rid of it because it was unethical Do you remember those like we're complaining? Yeah, there was a whole literally see you an outline of your naked body oh And people were they felt like it was invasive and they were saying no, but we can't tell it's you I'm like what the fuck you talk, but you still see that guy's dick

You're looking at that guy's do you basically look in a cartoon of that guy's dick See that guy's dick. You're looking at that guy's dick. You're basically looking at a cartoon of that guy's dick. It's like an outline, like a skeleton image. See what the fuck. I know I'm talking about something, but I really don't have the proper information. But I remember correctly, I think. I remember that when they.

Here's it. TSA removing body scanners that criticize this too revealing. Yeah. I think this is the one. But so you could see like if someone has a micro penis or a giant hog virtual strip searches Wow they labeled them virtual strip searches so this is one dude in he lives in Mexico and he's got the biggest dick that's ever been measured and ordered it's hilarious this guy goes

through security and they pat him down They always want to pat him down, because they're like, what is that? He's like, that's my dick. There's no fucking way. There's no way. It's my arm. It's preposterous. He has an enormous dick. It's so big.

And this poor guy, he gets touched up every time he goes to the airport. I mean, he must. Jonah Fowler. Is this the Mexican gentleman? It might be another guy. It's an actor. Oh, my God. It's an actor.

It looks like New Mexico. Oh, this is definitely a different dude. So he has the new biggest dick? He claims it, so maybe – The dude in Mexico has a fucking piece on him. Is that the Guinness book worthy? I think they must measure dicks, right? I mean, it counts. You can measure head size. Why can't you measure dicks?

Does Guinness not touch the genitalia? It's too naughty? I would assume they don't. Too naughty for such data? That's the same guy. Same guy? That's the Mexican gentleman? Airport security is the thing I added with my search. Could you

add world's biggest penis, Mexico? So what happened? Did he get through? Did he have to show it? I think they just have to touch him and check it out and make sure it's just a regular dick. Mexican man. It's a fake. Oh, he lied.

Oh, it's a Mexican man's penis is fake. How dare he? 18.9. He said it was 18. Almost 19. I like how he's so humble. He says.9..9. He said it was 18. Almost 19. I like how he's so humble. He says.9.

.9. I mean, who's counting? I hate when you do that, where you read a story, and then you repeat it for fucking years. Over and over again. And then you find out it was all bullshit. Guy's got a rubber dick. He's got a rubber dick. Hit me again there, bartender. You got it, sir.

He's got a rubber dick with uh some cocaine inside of it you see that lady that got arrested at the border and she had a whole like a rubber bag filled with fentanyl no enough fentanyl to fucking light the whole country on fire i mean all of it in her pussy like fentanyl you need the tiniest mouse to fuck people up yeah this lady had like a fucking like a baby the word on the street based on nothing but I've heard is junkies actually want this stuff with fentanyl because it works better is what I've heard. Well, I believe that because it's very strong. I mean, the amount that can kill you is so tiny. That's a big part of the problem. I think the most amount of overdose deaths ever was last year.

See if that's true. It's 18 to 49, and I think the number of overdose deaths was over 100,000. Wow. Which is crazy. That's so many fucking people, man. That Kate Quigley thing. That was horrible. Yeah.

That's horrible. They thought they were getting coke, and they got coke laced with fentanyl, and two or three guys died? How many guys died? And she barely got through. She had to go to the hospital. Yeah. 100,306 drug overdose deaths in the United States during the 12-month period between April 21st, an increase of 28.5% from the 78,056 deaths during the same period a year before.

That's crazy. Yeah, the Chalys and the Brechels just threw a big desert party, and they brought a drug testing kit. Yeah. I think that's what we need now. It's like businesses have COVID tests like mine does. it's where you go, Hey, well, if the government legalized it, then we would, it would be tested. It would be under a federal regulation. But at the same time, if you can do it yourself, fuck it. Yeah. Get your own drug testing kit.

At the meantime, if you do it yourself, you, you put this up on Twitter and we talked about it on the podcast. You're 100% right if this is all a product of drugs being illegal. I bet if drugs were legal, I bet the same amount of people ultimately would do drugs or maybe even less. I think it would take time and it would be a real problem when it was settling in because people would get used to the fact that you could just do whatever you wanted when you got to be a certain age. And we haven't prepared people for that. But realistically, almost everyone we know, if they wanted to do coke, they could get coke. Most adults know someone. If you go to bars, if you hang out with people who like to go out at night, if you hang out with people who every now and then like to go off the rails, they can get you some fucking Coke.

Most adults know how to get some Coke. I would imagine. Maybe I'm just traveling in fucked up circles. I'm sure there's a lot of Bible thumpers that don't do anything and don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. For a lot of people that go to bars, you can find Coke. So what is the difference? How many people would do Coke more if it was legal?

I remember coming off stage after a show when I was drinking in the front bar of wherever years ago, and from across the room, a guy just looks at me and nods like this. And I nodded back, and we went right to the toilet. I knew it was blow. Yeah, there's a look that uh coke heads give each other wide-eyed let's you know it's like either we're gonna or you're gonna hook me up but it was so subtle though it wasn't like a wink wink he was just nodded and i nodded i go that was beautiful that's like the communication that you get when you're on mushrooms where you

you look at each other tripping your balls off and you're both laughing at the same thing without having to say a word. One of my favorite moments as an adult was you and I out in the desert with Jan Ervin when we were tripping balls the day the war started. Do you remember that? Yeah, yeah, no, I wrote about that in one of my books. Remember when we were driving home

and you peed out the door? You opened the door. With the passenger door open. You had a pickup truck, I think, back then. It was like a Yukon Denali. It was, yeah, something huge. A GMC Denali, that's what it was. Oh, that's think it was a it was like a Yukon Denali GMC Denali. Oh, that's right. Yeah, it's like a SUV. Yeah, I think I was still dumbstruck at GPS back then like We were always on the fucking cutting edge of the new gadgetry and I had GPS back when it was a CD It was a CD-ROM or maybe was a. I think it was a CD-ROM, and you had to put the CD in the dash for each individual city.

Oh, wow. Yeah, so any city you would get, if I would go to Detroit, if I wanted to drive to Detroit, I'd have to get a Detroit CD-ROM for the state. Yeah, so Michigan would have one, California would have one, and some of them only worked for a city.

Yeah, you were always on the cutting edge of technology, but that must mean you get the shittiest version. Oh, yeah, but I was fascinated. See, the shittiest version today, if I had to use that, I would be fucking furious. It would be this piece of garbage. Yeah. But back then, I was living in the future of like,

this is amazing. This is amazing. Because I was following a computer on my My dash was like reading signals from a satellite that was telling the satellite exactly where I was at any point in time And it was navigating me to my target and like this is fucking amazing. Yeah, it's fucking every time I get bored like my drive to the airport is an hour 45 through the desert, but there's no stoplights It's just desert. And any time I get bored, I'll daydream about, like, what would George Washington think

if he were transported from the future and sitting in this right now? Yes, yes. At 60 miles an hour, would he be clutching the fucking dashboard and going, how are we? Freaking the fuck out. Yeah, that always kills time, that daydream.

I don't listen to music in the car. My head is so fucking entertaining. Well, there's plenty of stuff to listen to. You don't have to listen to music. I listen to Audible books mostly. I do too. I listen to a lot of those. It fucking kills drives so good.

Yeah, and you get something out of it. And that's not a plug. They actually fired me as a sponsor. Did they? Because they sent me some ad copy that I go, this Audible book changed my fucking life from living on the road. It just kills all those hours between fucking Pittsburgh and Grand Rapids. Yeah.

Sometimes you'll drive around the hotel waiting to hear the end because you don't want to wait until tomorrow's drive. Yeah. And then they sent me some ad copy that I go, this is just hokey fucking garbage. And I said that. Like, I'll tell you how Audible changed my life. This is way better ad copy. And they fired you for that?

Yeah, it wasn't, you know, Mr. Audible. It was whatever fucking ad company. It's the ad agency, yeah. They got really mad that I shit on their garbage work. That's the thing. It's like, but if you're a guy who's working at a thing, you talk to a regular podcaster the same as they would talk to a Doug Stanhope. And for you, it's like they should just give you some bullet points. If you have a good relationship with the person who does the

ads, give me some bullet points and I'll just tell you what I feel about this. They might also have figured out that I have three books on Audible, so I'm going to push them anyway. I figured out that I have three books on Audible, so I'm going to push them anyway. Well, there's maybe that, but I guarantee you it's whoever was writing the copy and people were just upset. And they probably thought you were being an asshole. But really what you're doing is genuinely promoting Audible. Selling a product, yeah. To your people, yeah. And let's be honest, I'm not 100% behind some of the things they promote.

Yeah, for sure. Yeah. I really love Apple Books, too. I love that little, because it's so built into the phone, and you can just fucking, like today, I finished a book, and I'm like, what else? And just instantly, bang, and then I'm getting a book. I mean, it's so crazy that you can get an Audible book in, like, five seconds.

In five seconds, you're listening to some book that some guy wrote for months and months at a time i just read oh they're coming tonight too uh jenny pentland is roseanne's daughter her fucking book came out uh it's usually i don't even any biography the child years i'm like hurry up and get this over with. It's always boring. Get to where you're a fucking junkie or something. Well, she grew up as her mother was becoming the most famous person in America. She spent between age 11 or 12 and 18 almost exclusively in mental institutions or those fucked up boot camps they send troubled teens to and at one point she had been in some institution for i want to say a year plus and she's like why is everyone

else get out and i don't get out and they go well everyone else doesn't have a million dollar insurance policy like your mother has on you and she put it together oh they're just bilking me for the fucking insurance it's crazy i always think about that i never go to doctors because i don't i don't care to know whenever you have money involved in anything this doesn't mean like the medical system's evil or anything's evil the new system's evil no when you have money involved in things, people lean into that fucking money every goddamn time. It's a balance of that and litigation. Like, okay, this is probably a spot, but we're going to treat it like it's fucking stage four melanoma so we don't get sued if we're wrong

and we're going to burn things off and send you over there for additional testings on this. I think they can tell on that. They don't have to worry about that anymore. I think their ability to detect cancer is pretty fucking good now but whatever it is but something else yeah it's a doctor it hurts when i go like this then we're gonna actually send you through a series of tests about when i you know it's you that smokes every day and is always drinking but lives a relatively stress stress free life for an entertainer and

is always laughing you're laughing constantly you're always laughing every time I talk to you we'll a little sometimes I get a little cunty usually at an inanimate objects that I hit with another inanimate object because it wasn't cooperating. Perhaps, but you don't with me. I've known you for 30 years. You've never been cunty with me. You've always been cool. But my point is when you look at that and then you compare a lot of people who would live a lifestyle like yours,

but they're angry all the time and they're working all the time and they're you know doing something that they hate for money and they wind up with all these diseases yeah you fucking skate through life you're like the dude i know who's every every comic that dies i get fucking a hundred tweets and you're still alive what the fuck is going on how are you still alive meanwhile stanhope like openly talks about how he won't go to a doctor because he just doesn't want to know. Yeah. I don't want them putting, oh, it could be that. Well, it could also not be that, and I don't want to go through a battery of tests.

Do you know what a nocebo effect is? No. Nocebo effect is the opposite of a placebo effect, and it's real. It's a physical reaction that your body has. If it it's got something inside of it. That's bad for it I said when med students they read too much about different diseases and then they think they have them all no That's BS maybe a little bit of hypochondria, but that's not what this is what this is is like there's an example there was a guy who Was on a study for SSRIs and through somehow or another he fucked up, and he took the whole bottle of pills, and he freaked out, and he went to the emergency room.

His heart rate was sky high. Blood pressure was fucked. I mean, they're like, oh, my God, this guy's like minutes away from dying. What's going on? What did you take? And he says, I don't know. I'm a part of this study. And they they show him the bottle and there's a physician on the bottle they call the physician the physician shows up at the hospital and says you're in the placebo group you didn't take anything wow and so within minutes heart rate down to normal blood pressure normal the guy's completely fine and he leaves he freaked himself the fuck out because he knew that he was going to die in his mind because he had taken all these pills and there's no way that's good i know a lot of comics where you go i i it's it's stress or non-comic friends of mine anybody human beings i think that's a real factor that we don't you know we we add that factor at the end. You add it at the end. Stress is at the end of the alcohol and the cocaine and the fucking bad relationship and the divorce and getting fired and all that other stuff.

And then we put stress, bad diet, cigarettes. I think stress might be the number one thing. I think that's. And I hate to, I avoid the it's all in your head because it's all because of your head. Yeah. You're not making it up, but your lifestyle is causing it. It's a factor. It's a real factor, but you can't weigh it. You can't take it and put it on a scale. If you tell me you smoke two packs of cigarettes a day, I go, oh, well, that's a lot of fucking cigarettes,

so you're going to get sick. But you tell me stress, like, what does that mean? Put it in a box. Show me. What does it weigh? How big is it? I don't know what the fuck it means. I don't know what your stress is

compared to someone else's stress in the same situation. You know, some people, they have bad things happen to them. They freak the fuck out, and they're never the same. And other people get better. They get stronger through a bad thing things happen to them they freak the fuck out and they're never the same and other people get better they like they get stronger through like a bad thing that happens to them it's like we don't know what that is we don't know what what it's uh it's how it affects you and if you don't think that it has a big factor i think we should be teaching that military guys and you know they exist and you've met the military guys who are kind of bummed out I think we should be teaching that. Teaching that to people. Military guys. It's so huge.

And you know they exist, and you've met the military guys who are kind of bummed out. They didn't get to go to combat. Oh, yeah. Now it's boring. I want to go back there. I want to fucking. Hurt Locker. Okay.

That movie Hurt Locker. Did you see it? Not everyone has. Yeah. I only remember the first scene with the guy's fucking head exploding in the mask but i remember i love that guy jeremy renner yeah yeah he's awesome he's awesome i met him in the ufc funny guy um you know there's like that kind of thing where people like long for the camaraderie that exists in combat. Do you ever read Sebastian younger you ever read any his stuff? No Fucking amazing guy really interesting guy super earnest and he's he's so intelligent

He's so like there's no bullshit in his words fiction or not non fit Well, I'm sure he does fiction too, but I'm a big fan of his nonfiction. Yeah, I know the name tribe He was also a part of that documentary. Restrepo. Thank you. Restrepo. He was a part of Restrepo. But his book Tribe talks about that.

It talks about the camaraderie that men face in combat and that they go back to regular life. And it's so dull and and pale in comparison and the guys that i know that have served there's a good percentage of them who have uh experienced combat who they say some of their happiest moments of their life is in as crazy as that sounds like because they got through it but when they look back at it they talk about it they like the camaraderie that we had as a team and some of the stuff they went through and the fact they thought they were doing it

for a really good cause and that they were being heroes. And so there was this heightened sense of existence. This is a weak example, and I'm not trying to liken one to the other, but when you look back at your comedy days where no one knew you and it was just fucking hell gigs, those are the most prominent memories you have of early comedy. Except you don't ever want to go back to those hell gigs.

Those guys, a lot of them want to go back to combat. A lot of guys want to go back down. You haven't seen my schedule. Yeah, but you're a fucking assassin now. It's not the same. You going back to what you were at when you were four months into comedy is what i'm talking about you know because like when those fucking days dude we were terrible we i don't

want to do that again yeah but as far as someone on earth gigs again gig of me like three months in the comedy a video that's out on youtube and sporadically someone finds it and went oh jesus what the fuck is this i remember when you had that beautiful hair. You had beautiful long hair. This was before it was almost poofy on top with the mullet. It was an extraordinary mane. Those days when you're trying to find your identity. I wore a suit jacket on stage with rolled up sleeves because I saw a guy wear it on TV.

I saw everyone wear it. It was the comedy uniform like a wacky t-shirt and a suit jacket with the sleeves rolled up God yeah so I had Cavaricci's I remember cuz my first comedy competition was some nothing Las Vegas thing but the winner got to actually work at a club on the strip, which no local comic, when I started in Vegas for the listener, would ever touch. And my buddy gave me his Z Cavaricci, not a leisure suit, but like a Don Johnson suit,

and it was white jacket, white pants, and God knows what I wore for a shirt, and I failed miserably. The Cavaricci pants, the last time I wore them on stage, I had one of the worst bombings of my life. I had one of those bombings that was like life-changing. Like I had to make big decisions. I had just moved to New Jersey.

I was living with my grandmother and my grandfather. My grandmother had an aneurysm. They gave her 48 hours to live. She lived for 12 years. For 12 years. And my grandfather had to take care of her. They gave her 48 hours to live. She lived for 12 years. For 12 years. And my grandfather had to take care of her. And she would moan in agony and she couldn't move. It was crazy, man.

And I lived in this house with them. And I also broke up with my girlfriend and tore my ACL. So I had a fucked up knee. Banner year. And my manager had convinced me that I should dress nice on stage. I'm like, yeah, I should probably dress nicer. And he was like, you should be a good looking guy. Wear some nice

clothes. Which is the worst advice ever for a comedian. So you're on stage like you're going to go to a club. Like, hey, how's everybody doing? You know, I'm wearing like a fucking nice button up shirt. I look like a douche bag. I took all the advice from anyone I thought had a position of power, even if it's just because they booked

the Tuesday mic at whatever Phil's VIP lounge. Hey, you know, a professional comic, if you want to move on to the... And that's when I started wearing the suit coat with the sleeves rolled up and pleated pants. I went on after Jim Brewer. Me and Jim Brewer

worked together for the whole week we worked together I think it was like Wednesday through Saturday or at least Thursday through Saturday we had a lot of fun we became good friends it was the first time we ever worked together and we've been good friends ever since I did good going on after him most nights

everything was fun until Saturday night Saturday night late show he had you know how it gets you do that Wednesday show Thursday show Friday show had, you know how it gets. You do that Wednesday show, Thursday show, Friday show, Saturday show. You do two shows Friday, two shows Saturday. You get loose. You get loose, right? Jim Brewer got fucking loose.

Dude, he was doing this bit about, he used to do this bit about coming home from drinking. And when you're drunk and your mom's mad at you, she seems like a monster. And you do this bit. Oh my God, he's murdering. And his do this, oh my God, he's murdering. And his facial expressions, and I mean, he's murdering. And I am terrified, terrified backstage. And I can barely, barely just think about my act, barely. And I'm like, I cannot follow this.

There's no way I can follow this. Like he's way better than I am. And I was right. And I went up and just ate shit. He was on a total new level that night. And I've always said to this day, people that have never seen Jim Brewer kill, you have no idea.

There was a time, I forget what controversy he was involved in. There was some controversy with Jim Brewer where people were mad at him recently That's weird, and they were saying it's crazy the nicest guy ever and they were saying some Real horrible things about him because he made some it was some interview He did on a video and they were blowing it up, but and someone was saying that you know Oh, you know this washed-up comedian like you are out of your fucking mind. I read those are oh, you know

He just needs the attention because he can't sell tickets like you are out of your fucking mind i've read those are oh you know he just needs the attention because he can't sell tickets like you have no idea i know the the fan the jim brewer fans are fucking diehards like that guy's probably one of the most underrated stand-up comedians alive when he murders i can barely breathe i can barely breathe when brewer is murdering he brings you into his crazy mind and and takes you on this little journey. I wouldn't even call him underrated. He's fucking rated. He's rated, but he's so good, he should be

filling arenas. That's how good Jim Brewer is. Jim Brewer is a monster. So anyway, at this time, back then, I really didn't have a headliner set. I can kind of stretch it out to a headliner set, and I knew it. I'd only been doing comedy like three years Yeah, I really didn't have 45 minutes. I was fucking

Terrified and I went up there and bombed with my stupid. Where was she's on remember? I think it was something like West Nyack, New York. It was like a comedy Loft or some shit like they had like these cut everybody had comedy den comedy shack comedy this it was something like that but uh But we became great friends, and I after that set I made a big effort to like change my material I'd like cut all the fat out of my material I was like I can't pretend I have 45 minutes what I need to do is write 45 minutes of killer shit Like you can't just like sit on this 30 minutes minutes and I'm stretching out to 45 minutes and bullshit. I was forced into the fire

because I was playing Missoula, Montana. No, Great Falls, Montana. And it was a Tribble gig. One-nighter. Legendary booker of the fucking longest drives between gigs.

Okay, you do Idaho Falls and then you drive nine hours to Billings, and then double back to go to Whitefish. And it was just crazy for no money. It's like $125 a night in the early 90s, and now it's probably $100, and he only has like four gigs left.

He's still out there? He's still got a few gigs. I wanted to go on a triple gig just because I wanted to be able to say I went on a triple gig. I wanted to go on a Tribble gig just because I wanted to be able to say I went on a Tribble gig. Well, we do Tribble gigs ourselves because it's beautiful to be- Yeah, but you got to do it through him because it's a Tribble gig. Yeah, I know.

To make it official. Yeah. We just go play the same bars that he used to book. How old is he? He's got to be 100 years old. If you could look up David Tribble because if I'm wrong and I did hear he passed away. Did you ever do the Shuler gigs? Shuler, no.

Where was that? John Shuler had a gang of really good gigs in the Connecticut area. No, I never played New England until later in my career. Oh, yeah. John Shuler. Let me just finish. I show up to be the 25-minute feature act. The fucking headliner is snowed in on the other side of the

pass on the other side of idaho can't make it so now i have to cover fucking 90 minutes of comedy having a strong 25 that day and i remember sitting in everything i'd ever written in my notebook whether it's shit or not and but i went up and i told them like I was supposed to do 25 minutes so everyone was on my side oh that's good that's good but it really forced me okay and then I go hey I did maybe 75 minutes I probably got off a little early but I go okay I can do this if I'm forced to do it and now I did it and one of the things about what we do is that you never are allowed to, you can get comfortable for a little bit until you release a special. And then it's back to square one, bitch.

Back to square one. You don't get to sit on your old hits. You know, like a great band. When they're coming to see you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When they're coming to see Joe Rogan and not coming to see Comedy Night, because they had a coupon. Now you're like fuck i owe these people something because now i have a crowd and they saw this shit last year i'm under the gun or i just put out a special just put out a

special is the big one and then the other one is like if there's a benefit to just going on a comedy night because maybe they're not doug stan fans. There's some guys that get captured by their fans. I am. I'm that guy. I don't fucking venture out. No one gets fucking canceled by their own fans. You said this to me once. You said, I worked 25 fucking years to get an audience.

Why would I leave them? Yes, exactly. And I literally have one of the best audiences when I just went back to the comedy store. I worked the comedy store in March two nights, which I do like LA is every 18 months when I have brand new shit and then I get called back to do the Netflix comedy special

just a couple days ago. It's like a 10-day festival. The comedy, Netflix comedy festival. It's like a 10-day festival. A comedy, Netflix comedy festival. It's like Netflix is a joke, right? Yeah, Netflix is a joke, which is over 10 days in LA where all of those comics probably live in LA. Yeah.

You're not hanging out after the show. It's not a festival for us. Right. But I went back to the comedy store to hang out and the guy's like, I just have to tell you when you were here your fans are the fucking best fans

they tip well they drink heavy no one complains about anything that's awesome that's beautiful now I'm getting competitive with you about fans you know people do that Mike yeah your fans are the best fans wait what about my fans

what about my fans that is the curse of the comedian the guy that told me that in New York we played Sony Music Hall and he was saying the same thing about my fans and I cause I say they drink they tip almost at a gay audience level

who are renowned the best tippers are renowned, the best tippers. They're the best tippers? Gay audiences are the best tippers. That's beautiful. And I go, you're up top. There's a Griffin scale in comedy audience tippers. And it goes from Eddie Griffin at the bottom to Kathy Griffin audiences at the top. It's the Griffin scale of tipping.

That's hilarious. Oh, that's hilarious. Oh, that's hilarious. Oh, my God. So true. It's a weird ride we've been on, buddy. You know? I remember I found out about you. It was in, I think I was in Houston

where I was doing stand-up. And then... We were just talking about that someone like people when they tweet those old late 90 uh laugh stop houston yeah calendars that he used to have out coming this month and it'd be fucking you me hedberg lou.K., fucking every comic that was, no one had any idea. Yeah, those calendars are beautiful. If you get a hold of one of those. I would like to get one of those Laugh Stop ones.

Laugh Stop, I mean. And you just said that, and now you're going to get like 900 of them. Good, get me one. Send it to 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona, 85603. Did you hear about Brian Hersey? Fuck, just found that out yesterday. Yeah. And he was not a guy that, I mean, suicide, you can't guess who's.

Nobody, nobody knows. But there's some that you're not as surprised as others. And Hersey was the sweetest kid and he had that laugh. Gag, gag, gag, gag, gag, gag, gag, gag. And it was his real laugh. He was a funny dude, man. Yeah. You know what happened, you know happened with a lot of those guys?

They were so invested in the Houston scene. And then what was his name that was running the laugh stop? Mark Babin. That's right, Mark. And when they get rid of him, everything kind of changed. And then when they closed down- Well, he was the- Yeah.

He was glue. And and yeah he was crazy and yeah he was yeah yeah there's some yeah some improprieties some theories that have floated around on the rumor mill yeah just fucking allegations probably unfounded but the point is the guy like you need a fucking crazy person to run a comedy club i've always said this to these comics i'm like you know don't think of yourself as having this animosity towards club owners because you need club owners. There's this thing that comics have in the beginning where they don't feel like they're getting paid what they deserve or they don't feel like they're getting booked as much as they should or, and they, you know, they can't get into place. And then when they finally do get into place

and then they finally start doing well, they never forgive club owners for the way club owners used to make them feel in the early days of their career. It's basically how ugly guys feel about hot women. They're just mad at the women because the women don't like them. But it had nothing to do with the women. The women aren't doing anything wrong. You're just gross. You're just gross.

And that's how it was with us. We were all gross, and the club owners were like, look, we have a lot of fucking Dave Attell's coming. A lot of people are good or coming i don't need you and that that relationship i was always telling these guys like you you gotta have these people in your life and some of them are crazy and some of them are trying to rip you off teachers when you look back of all the teachers you had and all your public schooling you can remember a couple that did stand out and some that were fucking wretched and and mark babbitt was the club owner that really gave a fuck not about making money he supported open mic in that he watched people he helped guys grow he was there

that was his he was like his baby like i want you guys to fucking do well i want yeah he was uh he was like really running a community yeah and that's what houston had for a while and then when it went away you know it just wasn't the same and i i hear it's coming back now and i hear there's like a good community down there now a lot of people they do that what is that uh that place a secret group is that what it's called yeah that's that's where they did Skank Fest. That's probably where I got COVID. Yeah. I hear nothing but good things, though.

It was so much fun. I don't think I'm going to. They're doing it in Vegas, and it's sold out now. They're doing it in Vegas in October, but I had to restructure my road tour, and I'm not going to be able to do it. It fucking sucks. Yeah, well, you know, something like that, that can be done on a regular basis. I had to restructure my road tour and I'm not going to be able to do it. It fucking sucks. Yeah.

Well, you know, something like that, that could be done on a regular basis. I mean, you could do a fucking Stanhope Fest. You could do, you know, just bring a bunch of your, I mean, the whole point is that the scene is better. Like, it's great that Skankfest is killing it. And that's, I love that they're doing it all over the country too. But like the comedy scene in Houston is is better that's what i like i like the fact that it's there's like because of uh covet in particular that forced a lot of people to decide what the they really want to do and a lot of people recognize that comedy was almost taken away from everybody because you couldn't do live comedy in a lot of places because of the regulations everybody was scared of covid and when that subsided and comedy shows started coming back there's like a newfound enthusiasm because this

thing that you love to do almost went away uh i i ran into a guy a comic named mo from houston uh moe aimer i guess so yeah uh and Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was at the festival. It was very funny. I'm sitting out in front of the comedy store during the day because it's closed, but they leave all the stools and tables out in that front outdoor bar patio, you know, so I can go from the hotel where I'm staying next door and sit and smoke and write alone during the day. And I see Chappelle and his entourage are at that coffee shop directly across

the street yeah and i i can tell at first i'm like i think that's chapelle and then once he lit up a cigarette where anyone else couldn't be smoked i'm like yes chapelle and uh the funny part was those tour buses the open top tour buses like see the stars the houses of the stars kind of shit yeah and they'd all stop in front of the comedy store and, like see the houses of the stars kind of shit. And they'd all stop in front of the comedy store and take pictures from the bus of the comedy store. And I'm like, turn around. Dave Chappelle's right there.

That's hilarious. That's hilarious. So Mo, Chappelle left, but then Mo saw me and came across the street. And he was talking about he's really trying to reopen the laugh stop in Houston. The old place is still available? That old place is still there? Evidently. Or maybe he was trying to turn the laugh

spot. That was a funny story. There used to be two laugh stops and they sold one. So to save money on the sign, they just switched the letters. Is that real? That's real? I didn't know that. Laugh stop to laugh spot my god that's hilarious i was wondering there was a another guy this is how this slides into brian hersey because i was asking him there was a comic and i don't think it was john mcdowell but someone with a name like that that's too common to remember

but killed himself hung himself like off the balcony after a gig at the last stop. Really? And I was tweeting, like, what was that guy's name? I was trying to tally up how many comics had been found dead in their hotel. People died on the road in a hotel. Quite a few. Saget recently. Yeah.

Carlin. Hedberg. Ralphie Hedberg. Wait, Carlin was in a hotel? Yeah. Ralphie, I got corrected. I believe Carl was in Vegas, right? Ralphie was-

I'm working this up. I think he died later. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, so he had an incident in the hotel? Ralphie was not technically in a hotel, but he was doing a residency in Vegas, but they had rented a house or something. I got corrected when I tweeted about this.

I was trying to tally up. You know, Ralphie was one of those ones where it's like people are so different from just you and them interacting, having a conversation to when they're untethered from other people. And that's the thing with a guy like Ralphie. It's like if Ralphie could be the Ralphie that he was around his friends, I think he would have been happy and healthy. Well, I ran into him maybe two years

before he died in Nashville. I was working there and we went out for sushi and he was just like bitter like me and fuck this and fuck this business and like everything not ralphie but ralphie was kind of a sponge of the personalities around him who was around him at the time i don't think anyone was i think it's when he was going through the divorce the divorce probably got him yeah i mean that's a hard one for almost everybody but ralphie was always the big upbeat sweet guy

so to see him in a like angry place and i, are you just copying my anger, Ralphie? I love to complain. I'm never really angry. I just love to complain. Well, I think he had a legitimate reason. I mean, he was losing everything. Yeah. Losing his family, losing money, losing, you know.

And he had, like, legit health problems. I mean, Ralphie had multiple stomach surgeries. He had more than one to try to, you know. But did he? I don't know. He had a giant scar. Huge scar on his stomach. Because every time he got his...

Yeah, yeah. He was not ashamed to take off his shirt. And that's one thing I love. It's like he had a sword fight. Anyone who can smile big with bad teeth or take off their shirt when they're fucking Ralphie's age, I have utmost respect. But the first time I met him in Houston in mid-90s, he told me he'd just got his stomach stapled

and had lost 150 pounds or whatever. And then a couple years later when I saw him again, he had just gotten his stomach stapled and just lost this much weight. So I'd heard many a Ralphie story that, but you know what? He's not my manager. I don't give a fuck if he's lying. Yeah.

Well, it's just unfortunate. It's like he didn't have to with us. You know, we don't give a fuck. If you said I had to stop at Jack in the Box and eat 75 jalapeno poppers, we don't give a fuck. We'll laugh. We don't care. You know, one of the best things about comics is they'll embrace you for whatever weird shit you're into. That's why.

Celebrate you. Nobody gives a fuck. Gay, straight, black, white, Asian, European. Literally no one cares other than are you funny. That's literally the currency that we. And sometimes, come on, we have fucking really good friends that aren't funny. Yeah, that's a problem. It is.

The problem is when they want, like, if you have a really good friend that's not funny and they've been doing it for quite a few years and they're fucking starving to death and they want you to take them on the road, you're like, bro, I can't. Like, whatever your math that you're not doing, you need to work that math out.

I mean, whatever one plus one equals five. And I got to clarify this because it makes me crazy when other people say it. When I say you're not funny, I mean, I don't find you funny. When people flat out, especially when they're castigating a comedian for a bit that's off color or harmful or hurtful, and they go, well, it's just not funny. This subject isn't funny. No, it's not funny to you. When you watch the clip of this that you're complaining about, you can clearly see an audience laughing.

So it's funny to someone. It's nonsense. This idea that it's not funny, period. Like that you could, that's so subjective. There's things that are funny to a lot of people. Like I don't understand the big bang theory. I watched it a bunch of times. a lot of people. Like, I don't understand the Big Bang Theory. I watched it a bunch of times. A lot of people are laughing.

I don't understand it. I mean, I literally watch it like I'm... I get upset at just the commercials. It's like I'm watching someone piece together a lawnmower. I don't get it. Like, okay, but this is my reaction to it. But that fucking show is a giant success, man. So obviously I'm wrong.

You know, there's a lot of shit that i don't like but other people love and that's a thing we gotta i used to say that about like in the the larry the cable guy heyday there was like two years where you couldn't go on stage without someone yelling get her done and like i don't hate larry the cable guy he's a sweetheart i hate his audience i don't even hate his audience. It's the same audience that would yell out, I'm rich, bitch, at the Dave Chappelle shows. Yeah, I hate that person too. Dude, I watched that. I watched Dave go on stage and like, it was during the height of the Chappelle show and

before he left and he went on stage, I think, I might be having a fucked up memory about this, but I think it was at the House of Blues in Vegas and people kept fucking yelling I'm rich bitch it's exhausting and I think apparently that happened to Dave no at Dave when he was on stage

I remember that whole I leave fucking shows early I don't have to do this I think for him it was like he got captured by the success of this one fucking catchphrase, which is crazy. But that can happen, man. But it wasn't even a catchphrase. They made it a catchphrase.

It was one sketch that stuck. It's not like he was saying get her done on this bitch every night like get her done But even if he is saying get her done who gives a fuck? It's like That the the hating of the Larry the Cable guy thing It's like there was some people that felt like he was doing things that were xenophobic, right? Wasn't there some people that were upset that he was doing some stuff that was like during the war That they felt. God, I'm trying to remember.

Wasn't that part of what Dave Cross was trying to say when he was mad at Larry the Cable Guy? I don't remember. I don't remember either. Beefs do sell tickets. Yeah. And hardcore beliefs now, I've noticed, as the fucking comedy gets split into camps.

Yeah, if you have a hardcore fucking right-wing, left-wing opinion, you're selling way more tickets than a pragmatist like myself. Well, or a centrist. I used to think of myself as a left-wing person, but now I think of myself as left of center or center left. I don't, yeah. This fucking world we're living in everyone's so eager to get on a team and start throwing rocks at the other team and i always say that all the most important shit

that we all agree on is like it's vital to both sides like i want to be safe i want to be healthy i want to be able to do what i want to do i want to be able to hang out with my friends i want to be healthy. I want to be able to do what I want to do. I want to be able to hang out with my friends. I want to be able to relax with my family. I want to be able to feed people. I want to make sure that everybody's taken care of. That's what we all want. We don't want chaos and violence in our fucking home, in our neighborhood. We don't want crime. We don't want to be fucked over by corrupt politicians.

We all want that on right and left, right? And then the other things that we don't agree on i guarantee you they're less important the things we don't agree on we can like figure out why we don't agree on respectively and i think you'll have more people coming towards the center and try to figure out some sort of workable solution the problem is we're so goddamn polarized this country right now post trump everybody's so fucking polarized because that guy like pissed gasoline and lit it on fire on like half the fucking country and half the country now is never Trumpers and if you got 30 percent that think he's Jesus and they want him to come back and resurrect the constitution and then you got everybody else it's like I don't have a fucking

horse in this race and you got people like me that are like what the fuck is going on like everybody's losing their mind. How am I a far right guy? A guy who almost voted for Bernie Sanders. A guy who smokes a lot of weed. A guy who grew up on welfare. I'm not. This is not real. You guys are crazy. You have two

completely polarized sides and no one is being in any way compassionate or charitable about the other side's opinions. We're not meeting in the middle on all the shit that we all agree on. But for me, maybe it's because I've kind of checked out mentally. That's just too anxiety ridden. And I know I'm not going to fucking help by having an opinion.

But you do help by having an opinion. You have opinions. I'm trying to stick to opinions that I kind of know something about. And most of this shit, I don't know about. Right. I've got great bits out of both of those.

Yeah. Like this fucking Ukraine. Oh, this is funny. The Ukraine. Okay, I know that's the war that took the COVID out of the top slot in the news after so many weeks in the billboard fucking top 100. And I like, I don't, I can, I got an email. I have a fan in the Ukraine.

You have the same thing where you have fucking fans in every weird place. And a guy emailed me very broken English, but very sweet. Doug, you are, I'm probably your only ukraine fan pardon my english it is i try to do translate i've seen all of you right here yeah that was me i was fucking with you oh no it was it was and i knew it was gonna happen because he says uh i'm your biggest comedy fan i watch all your translate youtube uh video you are best comedy god you must tell people what russia is doing to my people people need to know in your country and i'm like i think you over yeah you went too far buddy i'm not buying it yeah i think he thinks i have a way

bigger voice than i do to tell america about the news of what's happening in the Ukraine. And he sent me all these links. This is stuff you will not find on mainstream media. And I go, listen, I don't have time to fucking watch the news. It makes me crazy. But I'll have you be my personal Ukraine war correspondent. Just you and me. I'm only going to get my Ukraine news from you.

So then he just blows me up all the time. His name's Dima. And he's very sweet. He's 27. We will crush these Russian... How do you know he's 27? He tells me. How do you know he doesn't work for the government?

He might be a 14-year-old kid in his parents' basement in Cleveland. But I don't care. I just... He thinks that now he's talking to his fucking idol and being... We will crush these orcs. They have no passion to fight. We will wait for their spring in the tall grass and remove their heads from the necks

and we will watch their bodies burn in delight. And then he'll always follow it up with, how are you? This Ukraine thing is freaky. But yeah, the point is at some point he goes maybe you could talk to joe rogan i'm like all right you you just saw me as a conduit to get the word out oh you it's happened since the man show days not nearly as bad as fucking johnny depp now where people you have to get this to johnny i'm like I'm not that close of friends where I just, Hey Johnny,

here's an email of someone who wants to buy you a home cooked meal. If you're ever in fucking ass cancer, Nebraska, but you back in the fucking man show days, Joe won't respond to my emails. Please tell him. And then I would, I would tape the, I'd have the email printed off and tape it to the outside

of my office door for you we showed uh your article that you had written a bunch of years ago about Amber blackmailing Johnny and I remember you connected me to him on the phone and I talked to him on the phone yeah we were pretty fucked up yeah I shouldn't say that they're gonna subpoena my text I was drinking margaritas on the beach you're in hawaii and we were on fucking johnny depp island i'm drinking margaritas i got my wife i'm holding the phone i'm on the phone with johnny depp settle the fuck down and he was just mumbling he's great no no but he was like huntress thompson from the movie another he does that sometimes i think his monologue may have affected his perceptions of what's interesting. Did you watch any of the trial?

I've watched all the trial. I've watched as much as I can. So you watched the poop part? Yeah, I watched the poop part. We were fucking dying like it was a comedy show when we're watching at the house. When he's saying that she tried to blame it on the dog. Dropping a grumpy? How do you know it wasn't a dog feces?

How do you know it was human feces and not your dog's? They're teacup Yorkies. They weigh about four pounds each. I've picked up their fung before. Yes. Fung, a word I've never heard. Oh, my God. Well, first of all, what you get out of it is that he is an actor,

and he's very charming, but he's also clearly a nice guy. He's one of the sweetest people I've ever met. I 100% believe that. I briefly said hello to him in the backstage of the main room. I didn't really have a conversation with him until you connected me with him on the phone. He's a sweet guy. I mean, I might be wrong. I mean, some people are sweet sometimes.

Some people are sweet sometimes, and you don't see them when they're— This is the Ralphie May thing that I was be wrong. I mean, some people are sweet sometimes. Some people are sweet sometimes, and you don't see them when they're – this is the Ralphie Mae thing that I was saying earlier. It's like the Ralphie that we were around was like a happy, joyful Ralphie. That Ralphie should have been concerned about his overconsumption of food and his just being – everybody loves you, man, but then you go on your own. When you go on your own, sometimes that's a different entity. Sometimes people are way different when they're on their own than when they are they hate themselves for whatever reason they get angry they get frustrated it's weird man you find out about

it you're like that guy like it took me a while to understand brody i didn't understand brody because i i never did i beloved brody but i always thought everybody loves brody like how could brody be depressed my my my feeling of brody was so i don't i didn't i knew people who are mentally ill i knew i had many friends that had like mental illnesses for sure but brody's was a different thing i didn't understand it like i didn't know how much of it was like him joking around and how much yeah how much of it is him putting on like a gilbert godfrey face exactly and i always thought he was you know kind of knew how kooky he was and he then he came out to do i did a benefit show for the humane society in uh tucson and he came out for it and

we picked him up at the airport early uh bingo and i and uh we went to uh it might have been after he had that kind of twitter breakdown yeah well he had a he had a real break break yeah it was a real one but he live tweeted it yeah but we went to breakfast at fucking denny's right off the airport and he like just sitting there in this very awkward silence like trying to you could see both of our gears trying to drum up small talk because this is not the happy brody warm-up show guy that i know this is both of us in the morning i'm fucking hung over and he's mentally ill right and socially awkward yeah he uh went off his medication at one point in time and then i kind of understood what was going on and one of his good friends reached out to me and said, be careful in how you engage with him

because he's off his medication and we're trying to bring it back. And this is a good friend that I kind of sort of knew. So I knew that he was friends with Brody. So I was like, okay, what do I do? And then I saw him on stage one night in the main room and man, it was wild. It was like, he was angry at the audience, but the jokes weren't there anymore. It was the same tempo that he had with his act, but it was anger instead of... He would have fake anger in his act, and it was hilarious. Yeah. It was hilarious.

But you can't tell offstage. Yeah. I make money. He would say that. When I take my mom out for dinner, it feels good to pay half. But it was like this anger at the audience for not understanding who the fuck he is. I was like, Holtzman. Holtzman's the same.

Like, okay, at what point? Holtzman appears to be holding together, though. He came to Skank Fest, and he was wearing this Colonel Parker kind of western cut cream colored shiny suit. He looked a fucking million dollars. And it's the first time I've seen him out of L.A. I've only seen him out of L.A. maybe once or twice at like Aspen Comedy Festival. But where he felt comfortable. He was known for he worked the comedy store

because that was his comfort zone and outside of that, but he was fucking solid. He was solid. And Eddie Pepitone, too. Oh, yeah, very solid. God damn it, is he funny. Eddie is a great follow on Instagram. He's a great follow.

It's really funny. He writes some really funny shit about catastrophes and linking them to corporations. Let me stop you right there. I do a bit about how I might be canceled and not know it because if you're not famous how would you know but like all my stuff's been taken off of netflix and i don't know how long the shelf life is supposed to be or if it's on purpose and my instagram has been shut down since march of 2020 you didn't know i I never really used it, but I thought during a pandemic, I'll learn it.

Hennigan would put up some pictures here and again. Hennigan fucked you? But it was verified. No, it just like all of a sudden our password didn't work and we couldn't forget password. None of it worked. We went through every channel. Fucking no FX, Fat Mike's manager.

I can guarantee I've fixed this for a million of my clients he couldn't hennigan's now got a a girl that works with someone for in the industry i definitely have it still have no instagram and they they you can't yeah real a real stan hope you can't get in there it's listen this is not like I tried something once and hit a wrong button. It's been over two years. I would probably write that off to too many people that work at Instagram and too many accounts. I would write that off. I think I can help you with that.

That's why I just said it. Yeah, I can help you with that. On your podcast. Yes. Listen, all these social media companies- Is our ice girl still here? We don't have an ice girl. I can help you with that. On your podcast. Listen, you know, all these social media companies. Is there an ice girl still here? We don't have an ice girl.

We have a large gentleman that. I couldn't remember his name. That's stronger hands than me. So I said it all salty. Don't be salty. Young James will get us some ice. We're getting hammered, buddy. You know what? Like the old days.

Come on. Have a little neat. I think that was. Have a little neat. I think that was missing last time. Yeah. Well, you know. It was like 10 in the morning. Last time I think we did it a little early. Cheers, last time. Yeah. Well, you know. It was like 10 in the morning.

Last time, I think we did it a little early. Cheers, my brother. Cheers. Always good to see you. You too. You're one of my favorite people. You stay alive, I'm happy. Yeah, I don't even, I mean, other than normal feeling bad.

Bad enough that I don't know that I have COVID, evidently. I'm going to move you out here and get you on the protocol if anything goes sideways. If anything goes sideways, I'm the first phone call, okay? We're going to fucking take you out of here. Hyperbaric chamber, sauna, cold plunge, hormones, everything. We'll bring you right back like Frankenstein. I've been looking for, I hope I, I always worry about repeating myself on here. But I was thinking like July. I have July completely off. Where do I go for 30 days

that I don't have cigarettes and can't get cigarettes? Because that's the easiest way to quit smoking is not have cigarettes and you just quit. It's over. Here's what we do.

We get your account back from Instagram. First of all, thank you, Young Jamie. We get your account back. Then you do a 30-day thing where you have no cigarettes for 30 days. And you just post it on Instagram.

And Instagram will see this as an opportunity to help a lot of people that have an addiction to cigarettes. And they'll all be able to kick it. And there's a million places. Like a boat. I like to smoke. If you're in a boat. Yeah, no, I like to smoke. I heard boat I like to smoke if you're in a boat yeah no

I like to smoke I heard you're starting to smoke one cigarette before a show that's what I heard I broke it down to one I was doing three sometimes it's too much well did he smoke

well that's it's again it's relative yeah he smoked how much well no one died of fucking cancer. From a cigarette a day.

Not even a day. Those people that you meet after shows, they go, oh, there's cigarettes. I haven't smoked since college. Can I get one of those? And then they smoke like three drags and go, ooh, I can't believe I used to do this. That was a fucking dollar, lady. It's not good for you. I know it's not good for you.

But when they bum them where they don't really smoke, well, I really need smoke. So fuck you for habitual or randomly. Sorry for having willpower. But what I do is one before each show. One before each show. It's a nootropic. There's a cognitive benefit of nicotine. And I could take it in other forms.

Like I tried this shit right here. This is one of them pouches. Shaw brought this over. It was disgusting. I couldn't handle that. Can you handle that, Jamie? Is that, like, chew? No, it's like a pouch.

It's like chew. You put it in your mouth. You put it in your mouth. But it's like, the flavor is, and he's like, oh, this one's delicious. Shaw keeps, like, three or four in his mouth at all times. The dude's medicated. But young Jamie and I we lasted about what a minute

two minutes it's not both but at the same time we both bailed yeah it doesn't even feel the same or taste the same as the

I did bring a vape pen this time how was that I've only I got it specifically for here yeah but I tried it

and I'm like it'll probably get me through dude cigarettes just smoke your cigarettes we have a whole system in here that sucks air out well I forget you smoke cigars so I'm not like you're the bigger asshole if there was a non-smoker here they would hate you more than me

I don't know some people like to smell cigars and pipes Hedberg used to smoke pipe corn cob pipe he'd smoke tobacco out of it like fucking Mark Twain Steven Crowder gave me a nice pipe Pipes are great. Hedberg used to smoke pipe. Like a corn cob pipe. He'd smoke tobacco out of it. Pipes are great. Like fucking Mark Twain. Yeah.

Steven Crowder gave me a nice pipe and some real tobacco. He smokes pipes. And everybody loves pipes. They smell good. That smell is like aromatic. It's almost like an incense. The cigarette smell is the one that pisses people off the most. Cigars is only next.

Like I like cigars. If dandelions were as rare as roses, everyone would be picking them. So yeah. You only smelled a cigarette every here and again, but everyone smoked a fucking pipe. Did you make that quote? I don't think so.

It's too good. So good. That's so good. The dandelion one? That's a great line. Oh, I had this fucking line. Actually, I stole it because I was in a sports bar in Philly when I was playing helium down there. And I was at a sports bar watching football.

And there was this fucking arrogant blowhard who was just he's talking over every TV in the sports bar. He was so loud and drunk. And he said kind of the joke. And then his buddy kind of filled it in and i'm like there's no way that's a great joke for stage and you just happened upon it and didn't even know it was funny and i'm stealing that so the first several times i would qualify with i stole this from a loudmouth prick at the bar that didn't know it was funny. And then I added whatever I needed to where I have a post bucket list. When I die, I want my remains scattered in all these special places.

On this stage specifically, I want my remains scattered. Things, I don't want to be cremated. I just want Greg Chaley to come in and splatter my remains and fucking rendered fat and fucking bones in digits. And then Paul Provenza came to my show in LA and he's like, that's the best joke. And the next day he found where someone had tweeted that. And then he goes, oh, years ago, like 2014.

And he's like, that's not my joke. That's from a Dana Gould tweet and I'm like alright now I have to dump this that makes sense that's the problem if you hear something funny from a friend and you try to incorporate it in your act it's 15 seconds that I had to cut out of my act well you know how like some guys are so ethical like

Atel Dave Atel always did that and then recently Jim Norton last night in fact he sent me a text he goes hey do you ever say this and i said i don't say that i say this he goes because i've been doing this and someone told me that it sounds like this i go no no it's not the same thing yeah it usually isn't it's not at all he just he but that's how ethical he is yeah he heard that we had like crossing uh subjects and yeah i had to call Bill Burr once

because he had, and I swear he actually said it on his podcast about NFL versus soccer or rugby. And they say, oh, football's pussies because they have to wear helmets and we don't wear helmets in rugby. And I swear it was Bill Burr on a podcast that said yeah but you never hear

about a fucking rugby player shooting himself in the heart so they could study his brain because he's fucking crazy at 40 i'm paraphrasing and doing a bad accent yeah but i called him up he goes i don't remember ever saying that at all but fucking cool on you for checking i don't like i still think. And it wasn't even for my act. It was for something I was writing. Someone will find it, because you're saying it now. Someone will find it, and they'll get it to you.

Yeah, but that was years ago. But the point is, yeah, it's always fun to make the call. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The calls are good. I've called Bill about subjects before, because he's a guy who's seen a lot of guys. There's a few guys that I feel like are you know i've known bill for fucking forever as long as long at least as i've known you and you know he's at the top of the food chain now so to call you know i'm on the east coast too right

i i was leaving boston right when he was starting all right i was gone like right when you started them patrice o'neill and him and there was a couple other guys that were in that, that little, uh, that group. We, I got, I got second wave. I got B wave. A wave was like Don Gavin, Steve Sweeney, Lenny Clark, Kevin Knox, Mike Donovan. Um, a few other guys in, in that, that, that group. There was like so many fucking elite comedians. And then I came in right when comedy was realizing

that a lot of people had just had these, they had these formulaic acts. They were almost like carpenters. They figured out how to hit a nail with a hammer and they just did an act. Yeah, you can do comedy if you're a scientist that go, oh, if I say this and this is incongruous that makes Yes, yes, I was someone told me I could get pussy for a dollar in this town and that was the mayor

Oh the mayor wouldn't say that so it's funny. I was reading this Listening to this audio book that I've read this book four or five times It's the war of art by Steven Pressfield. And I haven't picked it up in forever. I used to have a stack of them at my studio and I'd give them out to guests. And I was reading it, listening to it on an audio book in the sauna today.

And one of the things that he said, he said he was talking about how some people will say things because they think that other people want to hear that. They'll say whatever is popular. That will be, they think that other people want to hear that. They'll say whatever is popular. That will be, they think other people will think is funny rather than they think it's funny. And he was talking about how this is a trap

and that what you've gotta do is say, just talk about it from your perspective and that'll resonate with other people. And that's the only way you can do it. When I started comedy, I was writing things that I thought people would laugh a hundred percent me too when I Got to a point and that was probably a change in my career where the stuff I would laugh at Hysterically yeah with me and my friend back in the fucking apartment. I go y'all but you could never do that on stage

Well if I'm laughing this hard it yeah, you should do that on stage. And yeah, that was- That's how I got into comedy. I got into comedy from one of my best friends in life, his name's Steve Graham, and I'm going to see him this weekend in Phoenix. He's a guy that I was friends with when I was 15, and I would make him laugh, and he was like, you should be a comedian. And I said, no, no, no. I go, you think I'm funny, but other people are going to think I'm an asshole.

You just like me, so I can say crazy shit to you. And he's like, no, no, no, you really should be a comedian. And I was like, oh man, there's no way. But that is what comedy is. What comedy is, is like finding, like if you pay attention, like anybody before Pryor,

imagine Pryor's material delivered by anybody before Pryor. And you'd be like, how? How could you do this? How are you doing this? How are you making this enormous leap of comedy? Like, what's happening here? How are you able to, like, bring people together

and they feel warm and friendly at the same time they're laughing hysterically? Like, how are you doing that? I think it was once I was making enough money to live yeah that I go well. Yeah, I can fucking be yourself do that now I say there's three stages of comedy, but there might be four but the three stages that I Recognized when I started thinking about this in terms of like a structure stage one their tools Whatever I have to do whatever I have to do to get laughs. I just want to get laughs

I just want to make them laugh. I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing stage two Things that I think are funny like what makes me laugh I would I would like to see this guy live if I was a person who had like when I was a Amateur comedian and even aspiring I was thinking about being a comedian I saw a bunch of people live and I remember thinking how amazing it was to go see like Kevin Meaney live at Catch Rising Star in Cambridge with my friend Diane DeRosa.

Her and I were sitting there watching this guy, and we were crying, and I wasn't old enough to do comedy yet. I was like 20. You know, I was like thinking about doing comedy, I think. And when you go back and you think about those days, and you think about what that feeling was like when you just wanted to see comedy,

like that's what you want. You want to keep that. Have you kept that? We just had this conversation with someone. How much comedy, doing comedy, ruined comedy for you on so many levels. Like you're a fan of comedy before you start doing it yourself. But, but.

And then when you get into it, then you learn, oh, that's a hacked premise. Everyone, like, it kind of ruins the illusion. But not necessarily. But then you see Dave Attell, and you appreciate him even more. Exactly. Even more, right? Still my. One of my all-time favorites.

I hate to do superlatives, but who's your favorite comic of all time? I always say Attell. I have a list of them. You know, I love them all. It's just like, and you're on that list. There's no one person. But when you do an interview, they need the worst heckler you've ever had. Those interviews can suck my dick. How about that? They don't know what the fuck they're doing. And I say, listen, I'm too old to have the best or worst. You do that when you're 12. Exactly.

When you've only seen 10 movies, you know your favorite movie. What's your favorite color? Yeah. So there's three stages. Well, there's still only like seven, so I can go with orange every time. Are you colorblind? So there's seven stages of comedy. There's like do whatever it works, do things you you think are funny and then ideas that you turn

into funny like for me one of the big ones was i was trying to figure out how they built the pyramids and i'm like maybe the dumb people just outfuck the smart people nobody was fucking one of my storytelling like for an 11 minute bit i think it is still one of the best that and Ron White's Drunk in Public I also wish I could do that one again I do too because and I see this with a lot of comics

that you've known over the years when that was like getting the best of that bit and by the time you recorded it I remember like three pieces that were left out that were like just little tiny things that the general public, like he didn't say that thing.

It's kind of like Sean Rouse's Tsunami bit. You know, Sean Rouse's Tsunami. I never heard that bit. You can find it on YouTube. With a big scab on his face on stage because the night before he had taken a header. He had done that

so many times where he'd go on stage with a giant scab on his forehead or chin from when he had just fallen down blackout drunk the night before that he had regular bits

to do about scabs. He had a fallback. He had I fell and hit my head bits. Yeah. Oh, my God. Like long ones. But he had this bit about the tsunami, which is still one of my, that's in the top three favorite fucking storytelling bits about the Japanese tsunami or the other one, the Bangkok

one. Well, there was both. There was two. Yeah. His bit was the Bangkok one. He might have died before. No, he didn't die before The Bangkok one. Well, there was both. There was two. Yeah, his bit was the Bangkok one. He might have died before. No, he didn't die before the Japanese one. When did he die?

No, he died right on time. He died a little late. You know, he was a guy where I was like, man, there's people who have rheumatoid arthritis like he had that change a lot of things about their lifestyle and their diet, and they can mitigate some of the symptoms. But when I first met him, he was so fucked up. I remember thinking, I don't even know if I should like tell him about this stuff because

he, first of all, the guy I like to drink every night. Yeah. As a part of who he was. And because of the arthritis, he was on so many meds that already depleted his fucking liver just to keep him alive that he could have two three gin and tonics and go from normal to i'm biting people that was his thing he would bite people well he probably that's the only thing that worked well tom giannis who was the head writer on the man show right after it ended no we i'm playing one of the buttfuck places like fresno or bakersfield one of the grapes of wrath town circuit and uh and so shawnee uh tom giannis

rides his motorcycle up to watch the gig and we're in some podunk saloon after the show and Sean Rouse is fucking out of control and he bites a lady I'm sorry for laughing at that because I don't want that lady to get bit but just the fact that and the bouncer comes over and he tells I'm sitting in a different section we don't see it I'm sitting in a different part of the bar with Tom Giannis

and the bouncer this giant fucking bouncer comes over listen you guys gotta go your friend just bit a lady and Tom Giannis said something snarky and smart fucky and uh oh the bouncer looks at him and he's sitting in a booth he's a he's a big guy he's a biker guy but like soft big he He's not the kind of guy that you would go, oh, I wouldn't fuck with this guy. He's dressed kind of bikery and slouching. Whatever he said snarky, the bouncer said, we can do this the hard way. We can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way.

And Giannis with his cherubic face went smiling. All right. Choices be. Let's do the hard way he said that yeah oh my god and then he smiled as he made the bouncer fucking manhandle him out of the bar really along with rouse and i was happy to go i was shit-faced i had just done a show i was ready for bed i didn't want to hang out and see the bright lights. He really said the hard way? Yeah. And he looked it over like he's on the fucking Price is Right guessing the fucking

price of an auction. And he goes, we can do the hard way. I think he's trying to oppress us. I don't think there's a moment in my life where I said where I would have said the hard way. I don't think a single moment. Well, you've probably never been thrown out of a bar because you're probably well behaved i'm well behaved have you talked to giannis no no i haven't seen him in forever last time i remember seeing

giannis do you remember our gaffe on the first taping of the man show where we were outside i was smoking so you're hanging out and tolerating me outside behind. Tolerating you? What are you saying? I love you. What the fuck are you saying? I know my cigarettes. You had to come talk to me because I'm always outside smoking.

I wanted to talk to you. Why do you have to qualify it? But we're talking about- I like hanging out with you, Doug. I was so adamant that we- Jamie, you feel me on this? This is bullshit, right? Oh, you feel me on this? This is bullshit, right? Oh, you mean... I mean anyone who has to always follow me outside

because I always have to smoke. Point being, we're talking shit about... I remember throwing a temper tantrum in the man show about this shouldn't be the opening fucking thing that you're putting out. Yeah. We're filming our first opening thing, and we go outside, and we're like,

the Jesus gun? It doesn't even make sense. I don't, because they had shit canned all of our ideas that were kind of hard. They were a little on the rough. The ones that we laughed at. Yeah. And now we're doing the ones that we hope they laugh at.

And we, we're talking about how shitty this one bit is and blaming the writers, which... It's what you do. Yeah, and we didn't realize we were fucking miked and Tom Giannis was on his headset listening to every word about fuck the writer's room. Well, it wasn't.

And he came out sheepishly, you know, I could hear everything you said and Jesus gun you know because it's incongruous so that's try to explain our relationship was always suspect after that he never

he accepted our apology but it probably hurt him he's a good guy he's a good guy he didn't get along with Joey though there was a thing with him and joey but cut to last time i saw him you would come to my show at some rock and roll bar yeah in hollywood you know i realized then i never want to do a stand-up show yeah no that's the whole audience had a stand-up like my fucking knees hurt i know and i we've stopped doing that yeah but you But we all got together to go to- Jim Norton.

Sorry. Oh, we all went to, what's the deli on Fairfax? Cantor's or something? Yeah, Cantor's. Yeah, we all, there was a bunch of us, five or six of us, and we all, but Tom Giannis had kind of lagged behind, and then we all got to Cantor's and went, did anyone tell Tom we're going I think we're all going fucking breakfast after the show dinner late

night food I don't know and notice Tom had run off to piss I'm like still to this day I feel like he thinks we ditched him on purpose one of things I really respect about that dude Tom giannis rode a fucking motorcycle in the rain i just did uh fucking adam carolla's podcast who again i always think why are you talking while i'm smoking a cigarette people are gonna know uh which was the first time the only time I'd ever met him was right after our version of the man show, gratefully died. How dare you? I was doing Stern, and he was coming off as the previous guest as I was going in,

and I just looked at him. I go, hey, sorry for ruining your show. And he goes, I don't care about that. That's more of Jimmy's thing than my thing. Jimmy had a thing because he felt like he was wronged economically. And I don't know what's right or what's wrong, so I will not comment. But I love Jimmy. And as much as Jimmy has been maligned and...

I'll tell you what, when I met that guy in real life, Jimmy Kimmel's a sweetheart. I love that guy. Yeah, I can't imagine he's anything but. I can't imagine. I don't give a fuck what words have ever come out of his mouth. I like that man's essence. And when I'm around Jimmy Kimmel, I realize he's a nice guy. He's a really nice guy.

Never met him. But I did finally. He's a great guy. And so is Adam. A month ago, I did Adam's. I finally got to meet Adam. That's the first time? Yeah, it was the first time.

And it was fucking great a month ago? yeah when I was doing the comedy store I did a bunch of Fitzsimmons Fitzsimmons I did his podcast

I fucking love Fitzsimmons I love him to death Fitzsimmons and I started out a week apart from each other I just filmed a movie where it's

I'm starring in it so you're not gonna be seeing it in theaters but I thought I'm starring in it, so you're not going to be seeing it in theaters. But I thought, I'm playing, guess what, a washed-up 55-year-old alcoholic road comedian, chain-smoking, who's dying of liver failure. Who would have guessed they thought of me first? So there's a guy that's playing a comic friend that I haven't seen in 17 years.

And Michael Biehn, I told you last time he's my now my neighbor and buddy he's the guy from terminator and what he he goes just let me read this script i'll see if it's good and and then he read it and he goes i submitted myself for this part of your old comic friend like triple gig road comic friend from 17 years ago that stinks, but he's still doing it. I'm like, well, this is cool. And they're like, Michael Biehn really wants to do this? Michael Biehn at the last minute got cold feet. You don't have a script supervisor?

I've never in 40 years gone to a film. I'm like, yes. Who's Michael Biehn? Show me a picture of this guy. I think I know who he is, but I might be incorrect. The Terminator, The Abyss, The Rock. Like head on. Yeah, aliens.

Oh, he's been in everything. Yeah, he's been in fucking everything. He's your friend? Yeah, he moved to Bisbee. Michael, come on my podcast. Oh, he would. I've had him on my podcast. Please come on mine.

He's fucking hilarious. I'm sure he is. If he lives in Bisbee and he used to be an alien. He also lives sometimes in LA. And I'm like, i would have you as a co-host for my podcast he's that funny but like he can't remember any references so when you talk to him we play trivia like and he was in the movie the guy with the dog the slobbery dog, the guy from... No, no. He guessed Cujo, the Tom Hanks one.

Oh, yeah. What was the Tom Hanks one? The dog? Clifford. Turner and Hooch. The point is, you guessed like that. You guessed Cujo, I guessed Turner and Hooch. Yeah, Turner and Hooch.

And who's the guy that's in QAnon and he eats baby's blood? Tom Hanks. So you're always playing trivia with him, and he's so hilarious to hang out with. Tom Hanks. Tom. I go, hey, Michael P., when did you quit drinking? He goes, I think it was somewhere between the stroke and the heart attack. And I like him so much. Somewhere between the stroke and the heart attack. He's fucking... And I like him so much.

I don't remember my point in this. There's a lot of people like that that are misrepresented. How did this get... He's in your movie? Oh, so he was going to play this part in the movie. He got cold feet. And then, yeah. So at that point, I just...

Bobcat is just... We're filming outside of Chicago. Bobcat Goldthwait? Yeah, Bobcat. I love Bobcat. Sorry, Michael. I know you're listening. i just bobcat is just we're filming outside of chicago bobcat goldthwait yeah bobcat i love bobcat because sorry michael i know you're listening but uh yeah it got to a place this was such a fucked production as every independent movie is with fucking we didn't get the permit we're supposed to get so now we're gonna try to pick up a shot over here. And he got it. So Bobcat had just gotten a hold of me. And I'm like, Bobcat can play this fucking part easily.

Bobcat, I sent him, hey, this probably pays as little as legally as allowable. But it's two days of shooting. And he wrote back, if I had a nickel for every time I had to replace Michael Biehn in a motion picture, I'd love to do it. I'm like, that easy. 30 minutes later, fucking recast with someone with a name. Not only that, but Bobcat is a legend. Yes. I love Bobcat Goldwight.

Windy City Heat is one of the best movies ever. I never watched it because I feel bad about that dude. That dude was always at the comedy store. I'm like, he needs medication. But Bobcat has the best Bigfoot movie of all time. Oh, I haven't seen that one. It's called Willow Creek. It's a legit, non-funny horror movie.

And it's fucking fantastic. It's really good. The one he did about everything we fantasize about is killing every reality star douchebag. That was great. American something. What was that? He'll find it. Bobcat is the shit. But I'm telling you. One of the best people. Willow Creek. Willow Creek

is the best Bigfoot movie that's ever been made. You think about a legend that everybody knows about. There's a giant hairy ape that lives in the woods of the Pacific Northwest and someone got it on film in 1969. Bobcat Goldw Gold made the best version of that ever you don't even see the thing I don't want to say that I

should have said that spoiler alert it's fucking great it doesn't matter I will watch it it's it's like Blair Witch Project style like where it's people that are going there and they're like joking around documenting try god bless America that's yeah who's the other dude I don't know who they were but they were awesome it's one who those actors because they were amazing they were but I don't think they have names yeah they have they they're human beings so someone's baby who the people Joel Murray.

Tara Lynn Barr. Both of you guys fucking killed it. That was a great movie. But it's like... Bobcat jumps on the fucking role. How about Shakespeare? He's the clown. Hang on. Wait.

Bobcat takes the role. I've solved everything. I'm the fucking hero for calling Bobcat and getting him to agree after everyone's panicked that how are we going to recast this when we're shooting in four days? Bobcat gets COVID, has to duck out. Oh, no. So then, no, we're running through a list of names. And I said, Greg Fitzsimmons.

And this guy who was scheduled to be like a bit actor, a waiter that says everything. Okay, here's your check. That's all he had to say. But he's a comedy fan that flew out from LA. He goes, I just DM fit Simmons on Twitter. He says he's available. Like, well,

you kind of jumped your fucking and our strategy session. You overheard, but it worked out beautifully. And he plays a comedian friend that i haven't seen in 17 years perfect where i haven't seen him i go i did the math yeah man show is 2004 so you're literally playing yourself my ex-girlfriend that i go back to find from 25 years ago do you remember christine hodge yeah yeah she you told me yeah oh yeah she told me this whole story yeah yeah yeah it's awesome she plays your. Yeah. Oh, shit. She played- You told me this whole story. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's awesome. She plays your love interest. Yeah. Perfect. It was like everyone was playing themselves. It was fucking great. It's perfect. When does this come out?

Posthumously. I'm telling you, if you want to get scared, Willow Creek. It's the shit. It's a really good movie. And I love Bobcat, but Bobcat is- Shakes the clown. Bobcat is- The opening scene. One at a shit. It's a really good movie. And I love Bobcat, but Bobcat is- Shakes the clown. Bobcat is- The opening scene.

One at a time. Bobcat is all in on Willow Creek. He's all in on Bigfoot. He really believes Bigfoot's real. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bobcat is an atheist until it comes to Bigfoot. And you're not mocking him because- I love him. Both you and I have believed some really dumb shit that it took to Bigfoot. He, we, we had a- And you're not mocking him,

because- I love him. I love him. Both you and I have believed some really dumb shit that it took us 20 years- I believe Bigfoot. I believe in Bigfoot. To fucking go up. I'm not sure I let any of it go, but I believe in Bigfoot. I believe Bobcat, unfortunately,

he believes in the Patterson footage, and the Patterson footage as like real, there's like, you can connect to dots and see that it's bullshit I thought that's the the legendary one that Hedberg made the joke about yeah yeah maybe Bigfoot is blurry which is way more scary there's an out of focus monster out there by the way um uh Hedberg on David Letterman said, there's a friend of mine that is a big fan. I'm paraphrasing.

I played tennis with my good friend, Doug. Yeah. That was his first one. No, no, no, not Doug. Brian Hersey. He mentioned Brian Hersey randomly on Letterman. All of his bits. Dufresne, party two.

That was an actual person. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I loved him, man. I mean, you remember when we were on the set of Man Show and you told me that he was dying because he had gangrene? No, we were filming. We were filming something. Some kind of like the lead-in thing.

Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm saying. And we were riffing and I said something about amputee porn. No, no, no, no, no. You pulled me aside. You just got a phone call. Yeah, but we had just said something about amputee porn? No, no, no, no, no. You pulled me aside. You just got a phone call. Yeah, but we had just said something about amputee porn or amputee something in a take that we go, they'll never use that take. We were riffing. And then right after that, I got a call from Don King.

Rest in peace. Don King was the king of Austin titty bars. He was like. He died? Yeah. I was supposed to come out right after I did your show last time. They had a memorial for him a week later.

I'm like, I just did that drive-on. No, I got one over here. You're double fisting me. Neat. Get in there. How many people would... How many people would give a right leg, speaking of amputees, to get double fisted by Joe Rogan? Daddy's not driving.

Well, do you drive anymore? Well, not tonight. Are you like fucking Johnny Depp where you always have a driver? Occasionally. I have drivers occasionally. Johnny has all sorts of muscle cars like you, or at least one. And I go, when's the last time you actually drove a car? Well, there was one time

when uh I don't really remember but yeah I drove here I know I I maintain being sober a good percentage we have a fucking show tonight yeah we're gonna have a good time and fucking Roseanne's coming yeah don't tell anybody well it'll be after the fact although one of the beautiful things about this show is Doug Stanhope we don't even advertise. Well, it'll be after the fact. One of the beautiful things about this show is, Doug Stanhope, we don't even advertise. No advertising. I know. It's all word of mouth. I know. You know who you don't advertise to? Me. I told you.

You told me. You don't remember. No, I have the text feed. I go, am I being crazy? Well, last time, I'm coming out here and I'm like, alright, just tell me. I'll show you the fucking text message. I go, okay, I'll be there Sunday night and leave Wednesday. Just tell me the details of where and when to be.

And you wrote back, that's so cool. Fantastic. I can't wait to see you. With none of the details. I don't know if I'm doing the podcast or the show. We're fine. We're fine. We're here. I know. We're here and we worked it out. I know't know if I'm doing the podcast or the show. We're fine. We're fine. We're here.

I know. We're here and we worked it out. I know. Terry Mitchell had to text me. She said, this man needs a- Oh, yeah. The picture she took. Yeah.

She said, he needs a where and when. I don't know how much time I'm doing. I don't know if I should promote the gig. It matters nothing. I know it doesn't matter now. It means nothing. The best thing is to get into the state we could just be Doug Stanhope.

And I go, Doug Stanhope, you're on. And just push you onto the stage. And to get me into that state, I have to know what time I should not be shit-faced like I was last night. No, no, no, no, no, no. This is the way. Don't take 50 milligrams.

Come on. Take 175. Don't take 50 milligrams and then have Joe Rogan go, show starts now. Let's do mushrooms. Let's do mushrooms. Let's do the show.

Oh, I'm scared of them. I'm scared of them. Me too. That's the point. Come on, Douglas. How long has it been? Yesterday. I did do a micro-dosed.

I'm doing them all the time. All right. Small amounts. Exactly. I don't want to even say her name, but yeah, Carmen Morales. What? Yeah, she came out. What's her name?

Don't say her name. She's a comic. Don't. Listen to me. If you don't want to say her name, don't say her name. Let's call her Boogie Woogie. She would want her name to be said. No.

She wasn't dealing drugs. She's giving you drugs. Yeah. Don't. You've given me drugs Don't tell these fucking people can you black out the Joe Rogan experience and just say the experience and hope When I the first time he and I did DMT I was worried. I lost him. I was really genuinely Oh my goodness gone. Oh my goodness.

Oh my goodness. You had gone to this snoring thing where I was like, do I lift him up so that he doesn't swallow his fucking tongue? I was like, oh my God, if I kill Doug, if the man show dies because I give Doug DMD. It was dying, by the way. We knew we were writing the last monologues ever. And that's what fucked me up.

We've told this story every time, I'm sure, on your podcast. But we were at your house writing. We know this is the last of the monologues. And they're fucking just pap dredged fucking awful. What's up, guys? It wasn't that bad. By the end. It wasn't that bad.

When we know it's fucking over and we're beaten. Yeah, well, there was some... Last time you want to smoke DMT, my first time, like, all right, this sucks, and we're just getting through this, and then you want to smoke DMT, and then I go fucking into alternate realities, and then I come out of it 10 minutes later saying I remember

I came out of it just saying oh my goodness oh my goodness oh my goodness cause I've just learned the fucking you know what else you said you said you've already seen this you said that to me oh you've already seen this you've already seen this I swear the picture of fucking Bill Hicks

on your wall winked at me and when I said that to you. The one with him lighting the American flag with a cigarette. Yeah. Lighting the cigarette with the American flag. But I came out of it and I looked and I swear Bill Hicks fucking winked at me. When I said that to you, you went, oh, fucking, looked at me like cliche. But I swear that happened.

I'm not even that big a Bill Hicks fan. You were just insecure, because you had experienced death, and you came back. When I would go outside to smoke cigarettes from the writer's room on the lot after that, for a week, I couldn't make direct eye contact with the giant dumpster-sized electrical generator, because I thought I could make it blow up with my mind. The wiring in my head was so I've never done it since people

try to drop that off at the merch booth I go never again we should do it tonight fuck no yeah come on when I'm when I'm okay when I'm gonna quit smoking cigarettes you're better now because of that day. I don't know. Yeah, you are. You know why? Because you know that that's possible. You didn't know that that was possible. But it's hard to break up.

Okay, I'm going to write a bit about this that now I know is dog shit and means nothing because I've been through that experience. and means nothing because I've been through that experience. Where you go, this is all so fucking, life is so silly, but you still have to make a living by. But Doug, just express that. I've been doing that. I know you have, but don't worry about that. It doesn't have to be dog shit and silly. It's you, you don't think about that.

Think about you. Think about if you were like some 24-year-old guy working in a fucking newspaper distributor office. You had a bullshit job, and you're allowed to listen to podcasts, and you listen to you talk about your experience. Don't worry about your own fucking weirdness in handling it.

Worry about what it is. What it is is like you died and came back. Like you really felt like you died and came back. When you came back- I didn't feel like I died. I felt like I knew- You said to me- Hearsay, Your Honor. This is what you said. You said life eats life. You said life just eats life. Life eats life. Life eats life. Wow. This is what you said. When you were coming out, you were like, life just eats life. Life just eats. This is what you said. When you were coming out, you were like life just eats life. Life just eats life. It just keeps going. It keeps going. Life eats life. Life eats life. I'm just

trying to hang on. Life eats life. Life eats life. He's like, you've already been there. You've already been here. You've already been here. And you're like, you took me to this place. You've already been there. I'll never forget that. Because I thought you were going to die. And I was like, god damn it. Nobody's ever died from this shit. I'm like, doug's the first guy to die i'm like he's like maybe i

like overestimated the rpms at his fucking engine handle and redlined but you you got through it that was the thing you kept saying life eats life life eats life life eats life but the the The dichotomy of having to go from that supernatural experience in 10 minutes and then go back to, oh, wait, now we really have to try it finishing up these dumb monologues. Yeah, but that's okay, too. That's okay, too, because that's a unique challenge. That's like some weird thing we're doing. Like, what are we doing? You know, the only reason I ever did that show is because of you, 100%. Like, they brought it up to me.

We got to get some more. Lighter. Oh, sorry. Oh, here. Or this one. I must have it. Yeah. They said to me, like, you know, we, Adam and Jimmy are not going to do the man show

and we would like you to host it. You know, who would you like? And they brought to me a bunch of people that I don't want to name. And then they... Well, I'll tell you who I had to co-audition with. You couldn't do the man show until NBC gave you the out. So you were always on hold, on waivers.

By the way, shout out to NBC for letting me fucking do that. I don't know why they even let me do that. I don't know why they let me do that. But the only way I would do it was with you. In the meantime, though, they had 10 comics that you had to audition with separately. Okay, you guys,

now we're going to pair you and you up and you write a monologue and then have one sketch prepared and you do it in front of a fake audience of like eight 19 homeless people that we could lure in here for five dollars but i so dane cook was one oh i love i love my history with dane cook never a fan of his comedy but i'm not a fan of most comedy but we did fine we coexisted right trees I got hooked up with Patrice and as we're going back to the room to try to write a monologue in a sketch he

just looked at me not pleasantly and said I don't work well with other people and this is gonna be tough oh no no no, no. And then Ralph Garman. Did you know Patrice before that? I had seen him or met him at a just peripherally the Chicago Comedy Festival. So, no, I didn't know. Oh, that's what he does. Yeah, he's joking around. Yeah.

No, he wasn't. But he does. He was and he wasn't. Most comics don't work with other comics. We do our own shit. And if you have to work around another comic, it usually sucks unless you have some Jeff Ross, David Tell chemistry.

Right, right, right. Where you can ride the ride. But Ralph Garman was the other one. I love Ralph, too. When you had just gotten approved, if you hadn't gotten the okay from NBCbc it was going to be either me and dane cook or me and ralph garman uh and then you get the thing you go no stanhope or no one yeah because they were like they gave me like a whole list of people i go get get get i go stanhope

that's it there's Stanhope or no one. And they're like, are you serious? I go, yeah, I don't want to do this unless it's Stanhope. If you bring me Stanhope, I go, we got a project. And then they called you, and you said yes. And then they called me, and they said Stanhope said yes. And I'm like, okay, we're on. And they were lying to us through their fucking teeth. They're like, you can do nudity.

We'll blur it out. You can swear. They go, we want to get sued sued that's what they said to me in the meeting but you weren't there they said we want to get sued if we get sued it'd be great i go stanhope we're gonna get sued i go he's the animal i go this is perfect because i have so much obligations already with fear factor that i knew that stanhope people will take care of it i'm trying to i'm trying to dig a layer deeper because we always talk man show stories and probably we always tell the same ones. The thing about what we did on the man show

is if you could do that, both of us don't want to do that now, but if you could do that where no one would tell you what to do, where no one would tell you what's funny, what's not funny, just let you do it. Just leave the funny to the funny people but the problem is if i was running a fucking network and i was running comedy central or nbc or anything hbo max and a bunch of wild fucks like you and me we're just

gonna go crazy and say a bunch of nutty shit that's gonna get us sued and get us in trouble i wouldn't do that either no i know i understand i understand too yeah they had a like you know what i could make tgi fridays better yeah yeah but it wouldn't be tgi fridays and no one would show up exactly someone just asked me, we should write a movie together. I can write the format and you come up with the ideas. I go, no one would want to see a movie that I would want to write. I get that. That's not true.

You have like this like weird like embracing of humility that I think is admirable, but also it's like you're saying this to the shitheads self-sabotaging yeah is but generally what i laugh at is things that other people don't laugh at the few songs i like because i'm not a music guy. You hate music. Yes, I do. How is that possible? Well, because I'm not going to burn a bit because I just came from Key West where every fucking bar you go past has a single act guitar guy going,

it's a marvelous night for a moon dance. And I'm like, finally, this is giving legs to that thought. And now that's these fucking notes on my hand. I'm writing that bit. What are you writing on your hand? More bits because Austin is also a music town. You write notes in your hand? Yeah.

What are you, cheating on a test? I lose pieces of paper. If I wake up and I lost my hand, I'm not going to worry about how good the joke was. Do you have a phone? Do you write on your phone? No. I fucking, I am going to worry about how good the joke was. You have a phone? Do you write on your phone? No, I fucking, I am going to die. And as I go through that same DMT experience, I'm going to realize all the shit I could have done on a smartphone

where I just quit at texting. I just showed your fucking doctor, Dr. Mercy. I just showed her how to do Wordle and she's gonna be addicted she goes does this come in an app and I go probably but I can google on my I don't do apps I don't do anything but you text

you use maps do you use maps do you use navigation on what I do Uber I have Uber on my phone what about like Waze? Do you drive? No, Chaley drives. I'm too old.

When you get to be my age, you're going to know. Aren't we the same age? Are you February or August? August. August. So no, you're not like me. I'm now a senior citizen. How old are you, 55?

55, and that means I get 10% off at Goodwill on Sundays and Mondays, and I can order off the senior menu at IHOP. And one day in August, you're going to appreciate these perks in life. Damn, I get some perks in just a few months? How weird is that that when we were kids, 55 was dead? You were a dead man. That was the legal age of retirement, I think, back then. No, 65, right? few months how weird is that that when we were kids 55 was dead you were dead man it was that was the legal age of retirement i think it was over then no 65 right no it kept growing with us

i think it was 62 there's a legal age but what is that i don't know if it's a legal age it's legal at ihop and ihop is the only rules i recognize this is a nation of law and order, but IHOP is an international What does it say? It's 55 across the The rule of 55, IRS provision that allows workers who leave their job for any reason

to start taking penalty-free distributions from their current employer's retirement plan once they've reached 55. You might as well be explaining cryptocurrency to me. I can't read those big words. It's an NFT. Yeah, you know me.

It's one of those things where it's like, who's 55? It's all Social Security stuff. This says you have to be 66 in four months. I'm glad you didn't Google that and have Sammy Hagar come up. I can't drive. 55! But now I can.

Now that I'm old, I drive like an old person. I get behind the slowest moving fucking semi-truck. You just chill. I get behind the slowest moving fucking semi truck. You just chill. On the one part of freeway I have to be on, driving from my house to the airport, and I'm like, I like going slow. Yeah.

I'm scared. When you were younger, you wanted to get there quicker. But sometimes I still want to get there quicker. What would George Washington think, being stuck behind a semi-truck going 10 under? Imagine if George Washington could be in a Tesla. Realize how fast you could drive.

I got into this fascination that it's unexplorable about those fourth world countries that still exist where tourists can't go there, they still live Stone Age lives.

These are tribes that have never heard of Trump or Kardashians, much less. George Washington was ahead of their time. Right. Like, Pow Pow New Guinea, I think. There's a few. And then the deep Amazon. Yeah. And I'm so fascinated.

I've tried to write bits but they're not funny I got it you'll see it tonight about that yeah fuck you you always beat me how dare you I read things about those folks cuz I was wondering what it would be like yeah there's plenty I'll send you some stuff all right well it's too late you already get the bit I'll show you some stuff. All right. Well, it's too late. You already got the bit, asshole. I'll show you tonight. It's a- The Senegalese, I think is one of them. Yeah, there's that.

You know, the Papua New Guinea people are really interesting because there's a group called the Seaman Warriors of Papua New Guinea, and it's like a ritualistic- He said seaman. No, it's a ritualistic child molestation organization that they've developed on this island. It's crazy. So pull that up. Semen warriors of Papau, New Guinea. Are these the ones that killed the Christian?

No, that's the North Sentinel Island. That's what I'm talking about. The Sambia tribe in Papau, New Guinea have tradition that is fascinated and confused many. They are the tribe that drinks semen to turn boys into men, and we bring you everything you need to know about them. Click on that. There's a tribe that has somehow or another ritualized sexual abuse of young boys, and they call the father, like, has somehow or another ritualized sexual abuse of young boys.

And they call the father, like- The Catholic Church, zing! No, it's even crazier. I'm just talking to all the hacks that are listening, going, why didn't they go with the Catholic Church joke? In the first stages, a sharp stick of cane is inserted deeply into the young boy's nostrils until he bleeds profusely. Oh, Christ. The young boys are also introduced to older warriors

who are told that bachelors are going to copulate with them to make them grow through most of the six stages. Much, rather, throughout much of the six stages. I'm so hammered right now. No, I'm just saying, I'm just thinking that's a lot to type into a YouPorn search engine while you're reading. I don't think they have videos. The act of having the stick of cane

inserted into the nostrils and then the performance of in quotes, fellatio are integral to the process of becoming a man. So you have to suck a dick to become a man. While the former practice is often derided by many as inhumane, in quotes,

and the latter is often referred to as homosexual, in quotes, behavior, the Sambia's understanding and purpose behind these two processes differs from our conventional understanding. It's so insane. Well, also, first of first of all homosexual in quotes that's not uh this is pedophilia it's different i know but there's a point where they go cane

in the nostril that can cause diabetes and diabetes affects 66 percent of the i think they were sticking sticks up dudes noses to keep them like uncomfortable so they would suck a dick additionally the act of performing fellatio and the act of ingesting semen is seen as an integral part of manhood because boys are unable to mature into men unless they ingest semen and they adhere to the notion that all men have in quotes eaten the penis what's the website pulse.org

it actually says that NG that's kind of like Jesus here eat this thing for it is my body but it's a it's my dick burn here's the thing like when you talk about Catholic priests right the weird thing about It's my dick, burn. Here's the thing. When you talk about Catholic priests, right,

the weird thing about when grown men sexually molest boys is that those boys, at an alarming rate, sexually molest other boys. Oh, my God. This is twice you've led me into something where I go, this is one of my favorite jokes, but I'm not burning my fucking act. You'll hear it tonight. I'll hear it. I'll hear it tonight. But you know what I'm saying?

It's like, that's a crazy, it's like a vampire thing. It's like, imagine you can bite a person, that person becomes a vampire. If you molest a person who's young, that person becomes a molester. It's almost like that. And this whole island is like

It's one of my favorite bits it's a vampire island vampire island actually it's the same bit you've almost led me into twice and one was from an hour ago oh look at this imagine sticks up your nose yeah fucking Dr. Mercy just did this to me

outside just to be in here they did the same thing now do I have to suck your cock? Because I've already had the cane up my nose. You suck Jamie's cock and I live stream it. This Jamie or Jamie Kennedy? This one. We can't sell a fucking sex tape with this Jamie.

Jamie Kennedy and Doug Stanhope, D-listers at best, but sucking each other's cock, they're going right up to a B. Jamie Kennedy, no jokes aside, had a great documentary on hecklers. Yeah, I remember that. You were in it. Were you in it? It was good.

They never invite Rudolph to those reindeer games. Jamie Kennedy is a fun follow on Instagram, too. It was a great documentary until he got into the part where he's accosting reviewers who didn't like Malibu's Most Wanted. That's like Kevin James going, you know what? Say it to my face that Paul Blart Mall Cop was bad. Say it to my face. Well, it was bad. Paul Blart's a good, if you have five-year-olds, it's a good movie.

I don't. It's a funny movie. It's a good, if you have five-year-olds, it's a good movie. I don't. It's a funny movie. It's like physical. It's one of those. I watched it. I didn't hate it. But Malibu's Most Wanted. I'll tell you what.

Jamie Kennedy Experience. Remember that? I love hidden cameras so much. So good. He's the best ever. The Impractical Jokers, I watch, now they're at 10 seasons, and I record, that's my only thing that I watch, DVR'd, that makes me laugh through a fucking Sunday marathon hangover.

I know I've seen this 18 times. I watch every episode. I laugh every fucking time. Some people might think it's soft, and you suck, because those guys are genuine. Shitty hidden camera, because I'm a fucking love hidden camera. Remember Dom Jolly? What was Dom Jolly's?

What is this, Jamie? The Jamie Kennedy Experience. Let me tell you something. Jamie Kennedy had the best hidden camera show the world's ever known. Let me tell you right now. I'll put it up against. I don't know what the fuck happened on Kennedy camera. I was too young.

I loved it. I'm sure it was great. Jamie Kennedy. Jamie Kennedy experiment. It's the best show ever. In terms of like hidden camera shows. It's not as bad as what's Ashton Kutcher punked. It's better.

Did you see Guys Gone Nuts? Oh. It was Girls Gone Wild, but with guys. They had Guys Gone Nuts, and they talked to these guys and doing gay shit. Wait, we did that. No, no, no. We did the hidden camera with the heavy metal band

on the man show. No, Jamie Kennedy. It was a time the fucking producers had to come to the writer's room and they had to draw straws up at the production company to tell us who's gonna tell them you have to stop doing so much gay shit you can't keep telling the audience they're gay well all right guys got nuts jamie kennedy had this thing where it was girls gone wild was in its peak of stardom and these guys were gonna

get famous and they were like, whoa, we got picked. I can't believe this. And Jamie Kennedy is like the host of Guys Gone Nuts. And he starts explaining to these guys that they're gonna have to do gay stuff. And they all agree. Slowly. We did that

America's next Triple X star And a guy Give me some volume Yeah we did Now they're nervous They're on They're on stage

It's a gay tape dog It's a gay tape dog. It's a gay tape, he says. After watching that tape, I don't think it's guys going nuts. I think it's guys going bananas. Coming up... The reason I brought you guys up here is because I'm looking for a few gay ambassadors. It all depends on what I have to do. Thank you very much. He's in. And later.

Every day at around 3 o'clock, my best friend Michael. Of course it's in Austin. I was just going to say that too. Keep going. Sorry. Right here in this hotel. Back it up. Back it up. What did he say? F Back it up. What did he say?

F*** my wife. What did he say? F*** my wife. But back it up so we can all hear it. Three o'clock. My best friend Michael. F*** my wife. Right here in this hotel.

So what time is... Jamie Kennedy. Go back to that. And watched the new Jackass Have you seen it? No I haven't They're all great It was great I don't think I would do

1 out of 10 of these Well you're 55 You're ready for retirement But when I watched both Borat and Bruno, I'm like, I wouldn't do. And I was going to put that out as a Twitter poll. What are you least likely to decline doing this bit? Like impractical jokers. I would do 80 percent of those.

They're they're embarrassing and awkward, but there's not going to be a broken bone or... So, yeah, that's my Twitter poll from this podcast. Would you rather do any episode of Bruno or fucking Jackass? What about you? Doug Stanhope has spoken.

Give me that in a lighter. What is this? Jackass forever? Would you be more embarrassed doing something awkward or physical? Would you rather get your nuts stapled to a fucking park bench or? Good question. I hosted Fear Factor. I can't be embarrassed anymore.

Well, you didn't do the things. You get to gloat. It's a difference. What is happening here they lock them together with the tarantula and the wherever the tarantula goes to has to get then bitten by it but the funny part is here is who else is locked in this with him the other guy is a hardcore like lifer prisoner kind of guy that has been let out and he's been in prison but he hates spiders so watching him deal with that is what's the uh other guy uh it's aaron aaron from jack guys yeah is that the prisoner no no no you'll know the prisoner i brought this up to bring up this part they locked him in a room

with a bear he didn't know the bear was going to be there they it was doing a lie detector test they strapped him to a chair and then dump honey and salmon, and Johnny Knoxville leaves the room, and then a bear shows up. Fuck, man. Just get the shit out of him. What the fuck, man? It's pretty, I mean, it's funny. Yeah, it's funny.

Like, if you do it five times, four will be funny. It's the way he commits to it and doesn't cry. Johnny Knoxville is permanently fucking catheterized from doing this for a living. Yeah, this is what he put himself through on that. What happened with Johnny Knoxville? Oh, my God. Yeah, he broke his dick a long time ago. Yeah, and he had a catheter.

Oh, my God, look at him in the air. Look at him in the air. That's insane. PETA demands animal scenes be removed. Yeah, I don't know the scene that happened, but he got his dick broke, he said. I demand you stop showing these scenes of animals kicking the fuck out of idiots. That's one of your old bits. Which one?

When animals attack and you root for the animals. Yeah. Yeah. It's, you shouldn't be there. It's one thing if you're like in the wrong place,

you're in a plane crash, you get eaten by wolves. I get it. You got a honey on your dick and you're on a fucking movie. Yeah, that shit. Would you? Speedo of these.

I wish I could. Look at him. You can't even, you have to see it happen. Look at Steve-O's face. Look at his face. Sasha Baron Cohen would do the most uncomfortable things. So would you rather be physically abused or be in a place where everything inside of your guts is like, this is so fucking crazy. I think Sacha Baron Cohen is obviously funnier.

Yeah. But that is like, you can't lose. No one should do this thing that he did. Which one? Punching the balls? Oh, yeah. You probably know this guy. What?

It's not just punching the balls. Francis Ngannou punching somebody in the balls on Jackass? Cup test to see if the cup would break. Oh, yeah. You probably know this guy. What? It's not just punching the balls. Francis Ngannou punches somebody in the balls on Jackass? Cup test to see if the cup would break. Oh, my God. That's such a bad idea. That's so unsmart. They didn't tell him that was who he was going to get punched by either. Oh, my God.

They said it was going to be a lightweight, and then Ngannou walks around the corner. That's so crazy. Oh. That guy punches so hard on your balls. You might lose a ball. A lot of guys have lost balls. That's the thing about Jackass, right? Is that it's really happening.

It's like those guys are really getting hurt. Remember when Steve-O was in a tree and the lions were up in a tree with him? I'm like, you don't have any idea what those lions are going to do. I know. He has a hat on. He's like a straw hat. He covers his head. I know.

He has a hat on. He's like a straw hat. He covers his head. It falls into the category where people say public speaking is the number one fear. Well, did you measure that versus I might have my balls eaten by a lion? Right, right. Look at this. The lions are coming up the fucking thing, and they're're holding on and they're biting his hat.

Do you know how fucking insane that is? They just decided they didn't want to eat him. It was just a random maybe yes, maybe no. I don't want to eat Steve-O. It's a. They could have. There was no way. Like you're talking about. Everyone has different parameters of what terrifies them and yeah public speaking no i'm not

afraid of it because i'm i'm pretty good at it and even when i suck at it i don't care you're literally a professional well you're a professional i remember the first time i got paid for comedy i got ten dollars and i called my brother. I go, technically, I'm a professional now because I got paid $10. He goes, does that mean you get to take off the protective headgear and the oversized gloves? My brother's pretty funny.

How rude. He was diminishing your accomplishments. That's why I haven't talked to him since 2016. I have no family left. Well, at least it's not like Dane's to him since 2016. I have no family left. Well, at least it's not like Dane's brother. Stole all his money. Yeah. He just borrowed.

He just hid it in his walls in case shit went sideways. No, no. He would like overspend his fucking- No, yeah. Like he stored it. No, he, my brother was, oh, oh, you're talking about them. Yeah, my brother. Yeah, he would just live

outside of his means which i've always lived on the cheap which is why my shit's paid for right and i don't uh but like one time he would sneak drinking because his wife didn't want him drinking and he drank in the basement and called me up and one time he got blackout drunk and we've all done this in my group but as you woke up and you pissed on something you thought was a toilet and he goes I pissed on my wife's two thousand dollar laptop that she uses for work I hate to ask you I have a few people in my life I hate to ask you but that always you've hated to ask me over and over for 10 years he says i hate to ask you but can you help me i gotta replace this it's gonna destroy my relationship i'm like i don't have a two thousand dollar laptop myself why would i pay

for your wife's because you get drunk and pissed all over it thinking it was a toilet. I live within my means. I have a $600 laptop, so fuck you. Could you fucking imagine thinking a laptop is a toilet? Like, was there a toilet on the screen? How fucked up are you?

It could be anything. It could be a coffee mug garbage can laptop Sean Rouse was Sean Rouse woke up he had passed out before all of us we're partying in a hotel room in San Diego

Ocean Beach and Sean Rouse had thankfully fallen down because he was almost biting people and then he woke up to piss and we had ordered pizza sean rouse goes directly with his eyes closed to the wrong side of the room and starts to piss on the air conditioning unit and chaley the best tour manager ever gets up and grabs the empty pizza box and puts it in front of his stream of piss as he tries to walk him towards the toilet. Oh my God.

And those were just normal stories from the day. Yeah, that's not like, you remember one time in 84? No. The one time? No. No. That was... time? No. No. That was- No, normal.

Normal. It's honest. I think it's been since our End of the World Part Two. People don't remember that was Part Two, was the Trump election. That podcast. Original End of the World was at the Wiltern, and that was in 2012. That was the Mayan calendar one. Yes.

That was the Mayan calendar one. December 21st, 2012, it was Diaz, you, me, Honey. Burr was hanging out. Burr was hanging out. Burr came to just watch, and Honey, Honey. I didn't even know Burr was there until he was in the green room. Well, he was trying to, the same way I didn't go over and talk to fucking Chappelle when he's at a coffee shop across the street. You don't need to talk to me. But Burr was my friend already, but he just came because he thought it was cool.

That's what a good guy Burr is. Yeah, he's like that. I don't want to bother people. No, he said to me, he goes, I think it's fucking awesome you guys sold this show out. And that was in 2012. It was a big deal. It was like he loved it because he loves Joey and he loves me and he loves you. And it was like for him, it was like a big moment that we sold out the

Wiltern for this wild show because that was when that was at a time where most people were just doing theaters Or clubs rather yeah, and to do like a theater in LA on Like a big one like the Wiltern on a specific date was kind of a fun big deal Cut to 2016 yeah where bingos in a coma i'm fucking i just ruined that show but you guys were very nice to me you did not you did not point being ever since then and i just the the book i wrote was about that everything in one book ended year was fucked from bingo and i went on the impractical jokers cruise and i got drunk and fucked a stripper that she was walked in on and whoops and then everything and that's when amber

heard sued me in the spring like everything and it ends with my wife going into a coma that she might not live through and i said fuck it i'm still going to do that end of the world thing. Yeah. Fucking Marilyn Manson show. Yeah. And Hannigan was just bringing randos on stage. Yeah, because I couldn't control this. Hannigan was like the manager of it.

So all of a sudden there's a new person on stage. And he was probably fucked up too. Yeah, for sure. Point is, it was brilliant. Now I forget why I started this story. End of the world. Yeah, that podcast was probably the last time I stopped having stories. Like my fucked up stories.

We stopped having big parties. Bingo can't have overstimulation after a traumatic brain injury. bingo can't have overstimulation after a traumatic brain injury which was just like covid was such a beautiful excuse to get out of shit yeah i can't covid yeah i'm using covid as an excuse yeah bingo's brain injury we don't need to have fucking giant parties there anymore. Well. It was a beautiful way to get old. Giant parties are great if they're great. I went to fucking Dave Chappelle's after party. Where? The night after I saw him hanging out.

I was putting my set together for the Netflix comedy. Do you guys know each other? He came to my, Christine Hodge, that head of the class girl that i just talked about that starred in the movie she was my girlfriend when i turned 30 and she threw me a surprise party at farfalla it was a bar that was near the formosa or something and she had got my back then you had to write your telephone numbers down in a book and she called all these people that were in my book i'd only worked with him once in punchline

san francisco and he showed up at my 30th birthday party oh fucking day. Like, surprise party. And just when I was just in L.A., she was there. And she's like, I told her about Dave Chappelle and the tour buses that are taking pictures the wrong direction. Right. Dave Chappelle's right over there. She goes, does Dave remember that you guys were, like, really good friends? I go, we weren't good friends. You stole. that you guys were like really good friends i go we weren't good friends you stole like i worked with him once and i had his phone number and you called everyone in my phone list to come to this

party and i was as surprised as anyone that he was there but it's weird to think he was fucking Famous when we were kids. Yeah. That was 1997 is when I turned 30. And, oh, Dave Chappelle's here. And that was before the Chappelle show. Way before. I met Dave when he was 19. But he was famous. No, he wasn't back then. Well, not as famous as.

No, he was unknown. When I met him, I met him in new york he was uh doing catch a rising star he was really young he was really funny but he was uh so composed for someone who was that young and then i hung out with him in montreal a few years later like maybe two or three years later maybe he's like 21 and uh he did street comedy we took off his hat and he said uh he put his hat on the ground and he did comedy for like just random people on the street and they put money in his hat i really love that guy and what he was doing during covid we could have done in bisbee yeah because we we do shows yeah at my house. But I was like,

everyone that I knew was afraid of COVID. I remember Bingo saying, some guy stopped by and he'd go, here, take a road atlas. You touched the same road atlas he touched. And the paranoia, I'm like, yeah, we're probably

going to be fine. Chappelle, we should have been doing shows like that at the fun house maybe you know but he he had a lot of resources you know he did uh he had a lot of testing and he flew people in privately like he he didn't make any money he lost money on all those shows like a a lot of money. But he. I lose money picking up a bar tab, but it's in relationship to how much money you have. Yeah, it's a lot of money.

He lost a lot of money and the way he did it was like, he did it to make comedy alive again. He wanted to do comedy. And he did it outside in like a wedding venue. And it never lined up with me where i had the time to go down there and it was over it was over before i could go back to go to there rather but then we started doing shows in austin you know he and i started doing shows in austin like uh october of 2020 outside you know no people we had done a bunch before. Well, we'd done a few before.

We did the Tacoma Dome in Tacoma, Washington. We broke the record for the attendance. We did 25,000 people together in the Tacoma Dome before the pandemic. I know that you've either adjusted to do that, but you were always like me I'm a club guy I want to see the back row I'm still a club guy it doesn't matter just do comedy I'll bring you with me you want to come and do an arena no no I hate

them you don't know you have you done it I've certainly wouldn't want to do it as a fucking opening Douglas you would suffer through it if I'm getting all the fucking gate. Yes. If you want to do like 15 minutes or 20 minutes or even half an hour in the arena, you let me know. I'll have an opening act, warm everybody up, get everything cracking, and then you go up. It's fun. It's just fans. I would do that for the story.

Douglas, listen to me. It's not for the story. It's 15,000 people who love you. It's okay. It's no different than 200 people or 300 people or 500 people. It's just a different tempo. I do 3,000 at the Hammersmith O2 in London. Perfect.

That's the biggest. And I hate it because my fans want to talk to me. And when they're 2,900 seats away and they have that gibberish fucking accent, I don't know what you're yelling at. But that's a different thing. What I'm saying is it's no different than any other kind of comedy. If more people have a chance to see you,

that's better. And they enjoy it. They're happier there. They just want to see you. You do your shit. You have a good time. It doesn't matter if it's 200 people or 2,000 people or 20,000 people. It's the same thing.

Yeah, but you have to know how the inside of my head works. I know how the inside of your head works. No, you don't. Because it works like the inside. My head works the same way. I was very apprehensive about doing arenas, even doing theaters. I was like, theaters suck. Clubs are the way to go.

Oh, did you finally bring out the Buffalo trance? Yay! Yeah, they're all good, dude. It's not Buffalo trance. You're in a trance, though. You're in a Buffalo trance. It's not Canadian Club, which I buy in a plastic handle. You get microplastics.

That's why your balls are shrinking. It's bad for you. Oh, my balls. As my penis shrinks, it's going into my balls. How's your genitalia holding up? It's okay. It's hanging in there. Wait till August when you're my age and it's going to be a different story. Dude, I'm like that kitten on that poster, like, hang in there, baby. Friday's coming. Yeah. You know that poster, like, hang in there, baby. Like, hang in there. Friday's coming. Yeah. You know that poster with the kitten? That's me.

Yeah, that poster that most of general voting bloc society still thinks is funny. It's hilarious. I got up at 7 in the morning just to work out. That's me. Well, the one that I like is the one where it's hanging there. It says Friday's coming.

In the Spencer Gifts version. Hang in there, baby. Spencer Gifts version. Yeah. When you used to buy posters. How many hang in there? Put Friday's coming. Hang in there. Oh, my God.

It's hard to soar with the eagles when you work with the turkeys. Back when posters, before they became bumper stickers and you go oh this person laughs at this every day and i work hard at stand-up comedy when this asshole fucking has a bumper sticker how many hang in there babies are there this is amazing i didn't know. Wait, you're almost my age. Remember the one with the kid who had spaghetti on his head? Yes. What was the catchphrase of that? Uh-oh, spaghetti-o?

Poster, toddler with spaghetti on his head, kid with spaghetti on his head. That was huge comedy back. That one? No, poster. It was like, oh, the first one over there. Why not? Which one? The top, the first one.

Same guy. Same picture. Oh, well, it's in color because that's how I had the. Why me? No, it's not the same picture at all. Yeah. Look at the two side by side. I hate to be wrong, Joe.

You're definitely wrong. It's the exact same picture. Exact. 100%. That one and the one next to it, one's screaming and one's happy. Which one do you like? I'm saying it's not the same picture, and I demand to be right. That one is the same as that one.

Oh, okay. He showed the one beside it first, the screaming kid. I think there's multiple. Not as funny. Not as funny. Someone hacked it up. Baby with spaghetti on head, photo by George S. How do you say that name?

Trebent? Treb name? Trebent? Trebant? Trebant? Life Magazine, 1960. Wow. Wow. 1960. See, that's what I love about old shit.

I know. If I look at an old dresser, it's from 1945. What was it like when the people that were making this dresser, what was life like for them? So into the 70s. I mean, another cigarette. I'm fascinated by people that were living back when there was no access to information. You have a fucking Navy SEAL Team 6 worth of security out here.

I'm the number one podcast on the planet Earth. I know. So fucking send them to go get a pack of spirits. We're okay. I have to have security now it's too many i know i actually when i when i came back from 18 months off you never quit you were still doing shows here and again even secret shows i did not do a show and one of the bits for the first couple months, the first few shows I do where no one can hear you die, Mountain Time Zone, Flagstaff, Salt Lake, Wyoming, Montana. Yeah. It's just where they're just happy that anyone ever came COVID or not. Right. And I did have a bit that I used you as an example about having, we're all fighting for the minds of the stupid. What do you mean?

I don't know. That's why I dropped the bit. But we're all trying to convince someone that our opinion's right on some level. trying to convince someone that our opinion's right on some level the first time i said it it made sense on a podcast and i go i'll make this a bit but how many stupid people can you tolerate like i make a good living at a reasonable amount of fucking dummies no you you make a living off of rebels you make a living off of people that don't want to do what they're doing, and they want to believe that this is temporary, and they're right. They know that it's not going to last.

No matter what anybody says, and I don't care if you wear a bow tie, if you wear fucking shiny shoes, if you drive a Tesla, it's going to end. It's going to end, and you're going to die, and you're going to rot, and worms are going to eat your body, and bacteria is going to take over your organism. You die at the end. You die going to end and you're going to die and you're going to rot and worms are going to eat your body and bacteria is going to take over your organism. That's it. You die at the end. You die at the end, period. And the structure, the structure that your parents subscribe to and my parents subscribe to and everybody before them did is incorrect. It's like a scaffolding. It's a thing you hold on to when you're walking, and you think that the rails are the guide. They're not. There's no guide. It doesn't make

sense. It's life and death, and the only thing that's good is what feels good when you're a happy person, and your friends are happy, and you're enjoying life, and you just hope you can spread that energy out to other people so that when you pass they spread it further and when they pass they spread it to other people and all of us can elevate together that's it that's it and it doesn't make sense and it doesn't have to because stars are dying planets are fucking imploding supernovas are happening you know it's not going to be on tmz what or fucking buzz vulture or fucking tmz fucking dot scam fuck is that quote they take you they find these muckraker it's not just you and i do have a bit about this where just they try to find one thing you said to polarize people.

And I at one point I was very high at home. I go, listen, it's taken out of context. I don't I do nothing with my life, but I still think I don't have three hours to listen to a podcast. But I know you and I know that you're being taken out of context, but I was high, and I made someone in the room do the math. I go, how many podcast episodes has he done? And it's like 1,685. I go, times that by three.

This is how many episodes of the Joe Rogan podcast. It was like 231 solid days. You would have to listen to Joe Rogan to put them in context, where it's so easy to take 80 seconds and vilify you. Yeah. And then I go, thank God I'm making a decent living under the radar.

But that's okay, too. I know. I'm very happy. But on my side, I mean, people vilifying me, that's okay. If that's what you want to do. But you're just going to let people examine it. They're going to let people examine your prognosis, your interpretation. And they're going to decide, oh, you're being disingenuous.

You're taking people out of context. If you want to take a person at the worst thing they've ever said ever and say that's you forever, well, that's nonsense because that's not what people are. I would hope that every single person listening to this, watching this, is growing and learning every day. You fuck up. You learn. You get better. It's part of being a person. You're born confused and clueless. And slowly you accumulate experiences and information and revelations. And at a certain point in time, we would hope that you would be better than you used to be. And I think I am. I'm better than I used to be. But am I perfect?

No. Am I better now than I was 10 years ago? 100%. Am I better than I was 20 years ago? 100%. Do I hope to be better from now in 10 years? Yeah, I do. If you were as knowledged, and we've talked about this.

as Knowledge and we've talked about this. I remember talking about it on a podcast where you yeah I read books so I can sound smarter But that's like being humble the reality is I read books because I want to know yeah I want to know what someone else thinks and then clearly a book into your act Yeah, but it's also it's like I want to know it's not just my act anymore It's like when I was young it was my act because I wanted to make a living. I wanted to be good. And then once I got a living and I got okay, and now I want to know what do I think?

I remember when you once told me, and it's vivid, yeah, well, Bill Hicks would read Noam Chomsky and then put a dick joke into it and say it on stage. Yeah. And I've said that in specials like I'm gonna I'm the guy that will call you stupid for not knowing what I just read yesterday and truly believed but it's a joke it's like you're you're fucking around right and that's the thing about talking shit and what one of things that Bill Hicks did is he exposed people to ideas that they weren't aware of before I didn't know about Terrence McKenna until I heard what Bill Hicks said, five grams. He said, reach under your table.

There's five dried grams, or what Terrence McKenna would say is a heroic dose. I'm like, who is Terrence McKenna? And I started reading Terrence McKenna. And I read it because of you. And then- Fools of the God. Yeah. And then. Fools of the God. Yeah. And then all of his books.

And you just, you listen to his lectures and you're like, I heard Terrence McKenna, what he said when I first did DMT. I literally heard the words he said. He said, do not give into astonishment. I heard that from like whatever the fuck the entities were. And it's like that, that's the thing about comedy is like you can just tell jokes and you can also tell jokes that like lead you to think differently and i don't think hicks is the funniest guy ever but i think hicks is the most influential guy ever because like he's the guy that said things in a way like if you have to listen to Lenny Bruce it's unlistenable because

he has the jargon of the day that it you know it doesn't make sense there's a few things but I do understand where it was a groundbreaker but Hicks yeah well that's our life we were alive I didn't laugh at Hicks we were a lot we were in a live in 63 or 64 when Lenny Bruce is doing heroin Opening up for musicians and jazz bands and stuff like but the recorded stuff. It doesn't apply that jargon Yeah, almost like man you dig. Yeah. Yeah, he had a shizzy my Nizzi was like, I don't know what that means That's it. That's it. Yeah, my Nizizzy my dizzy People make up their own fucking Nomenclature No one existed before him He's patient zero

In the comedy war Typhoid Mary He's the guy I have a ton of I have in my office I have Lenny Bruce giving the finger I look at it before I write That guy's the first guy that ever had, whatever it was, whether it was

heroin or just indignance, he just decided he wasn't buying into the cultural narrative. He was the first guy. And he was the guy that would say things on stage that was like commentary on situations and life. Are there any N-words in the audience? I don't want to get you in any more fucking problems. LOL. Are there any whops? Any fucking kikes?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He did that bit. He said if you say that word enough, it won't mean anything anymore. That's why they're trying to split us apart. But it's not they, man. It's like people. It's like when you say they. They're fake people too. But it is a lot of fake people. It's also people it's like when you say they're fake people too But is a lot of fake people. It's also people that just want to be a part of the winning team

Like this is what's going on It's like people that attack and people that like jump in and people that like like think that it's important to like speak their truth And I know what they're doing man. It's not all bad They're trying to make the world a better place and they're trying to establish themselves and their opinions as being valid. And they do it by criticizing people and they do it by trying to diminish other people and minimize other people's opinions. People like to fight. But it's okay. It's okay, man. Everything's fine.

It's okay. But I mean, it's okay. It's like that's a part of the process. It's like it's not bad. And some people think it is bad. They think they are your dire enemy. But it's not real. The reality is we're all- Hey, buzz culture. Fucking take this clip and put it out there. Hey, Joe Rogan does actually fucking make sense sometimes.

It doesn't make. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. I know it doesn't matter. They don't have to do it because more people are listening this and everyone's tickets will read that shit sells clickbait but it doesn't matter they can do that it's okay it's not real if you don't express yourself in an honest objective manner people are going to know and if you have an agenda and you want to say doug stanhope is a piece of shit and he's a loser and he's this and that, that's not real to people that know you.

It's the same as everything else. You can take an angle, and I kind of understand your angle. If I was you and I was living in your life and I was watching this person that's getting an undue, and if there's anybody that gets an undue amount of attention, it's fucking me. I'll tell you as me it's me, but it doesn't matter. Well, everyone knows it's you 100 but i don't

care it's kind of still it's still creepy that you are the voice of it's bizarre like if you have known me for so many years it's preposterous you've never i didn't try for once i didn't try i didn't try to be this person i I literally didn't even ask for it. You do fall for conspiracy theories at a higher rate than I do. Yes. Because a lot of times I've followed you. But one of the times, Dave Attell and Joe Rogan are the two people when we only talk like once a year on the phone. But we text each other. when we only talk like once a year on the phone, but we same as a tell.

But if I get the call, I go, do I have an hour and 20 minutes to talk? Cause we don't talk that much, but we, we do talk. And one of the times before you actually moved here, but that was the plan.

We talked for over an hour. You talked mostly, but i didn't have much to say but you told me i because i wrote it down here about this wayfair i wrote it down wrong it was mayfair or vice versa what's mayfair that fucking q anon conspiracy where they're selling you look it up look it up what is mayfair where they were pretending to sell fucking q anon children through a fucking furniture do you know this wayfair mayfair mayfair you fair wayfair the first time i told you about this there was a thing about you should because bunch of online posts with fake catalogs. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You had just heard it, so I wrote it down. And by a week later when I actually searched it, it had been debunked. And then that was before QAnon was a thing. Doug, Doug, Doug, you're confusing me with somebody, for sure. I don't even know about this. 100%. You had just heard about it. So maybe you discounted it an hour i didn't hear about it until

right now i'm very good at knowing what i remember the point is what is this what is this conspiracy ask jesse it's not it this was very popular like a year and a half ago i said jesse what was it there were a bunch of people online were like wait what's going on with these fake they were calling them like fake posts for dresser drawers, like a six drawer and they had a strange name attached to them. That was like some weird thing that I saw on Reddit where there was a bunch of people that were pretending

that sex trafficking You should look it up because you had just heard about it. But hold on, buy into this or be clear about this. I did not buy into this. It's not like something that I thought was like they were sex trafficking by like selling like dresser drawers and shit i was reading this thing off a red i go have you read this like this is fucking bizarre to look it up right but i didn't say it like i believed in it that's not one i believed in okay if you want to say like bigfoot

ufos you know fake moon landing yeah there's a lot of those. You made me watch a four-hour VHS. A funny thing happened on the way to the moon. This is 90s, but you're like, you got to watch this. And it's a double-decker VHS I rented, and I watched both two-hour episodes. And then it was at the beginning of Google or Ask Jeeves where I went debunk and I'm like and now I've spent 12 hours

thinking that the moon landing is fake and then I realized I don't give a fuck if anyone went to the moon my girlfriend's dumping me here's the thing about the moon landing being fake I think girlfriend's dumping me. Here's the thing about the moon landing being fake. Like, I think they could pull it off.

I don't think they did. But I think they could. Yeah, they absolutely could. This is my position on the moon landing. If you want to tell me that it's impossible for the government to pretend that people landed on the moon, I say bullshit. If you want to say that people landed on the moon, I say probably. Yeah, most likely. Like if you look at the science behind it, it seems like they landed on the moon. The problem is when someone lies about anything, it leads you to believe they're lying about everything. If someone treats, like if you look

at the time, which like this was all going on, like when Kennedy was president, they had proposed the Operation Northwoods where they were going to blow up. That's always been my fallback. like this was all going on like when kennedy was president they had proposed the operation northwoods where they were going to blow up that's always been my fallback that's all right if if operation northwoods is true anything could be true and it that's definitely true not only that the gulf of tonkin that led us into the vietnam war yeah it was all fake. There is a 100% reality about our government fucking around. Now I'm going to have to do a full hour to impress you

tonight. And to state claim that this was my bit. Wait, what bit did he say he already does? Oh, yeah. I gave up on the bit. No, the one about the fourth world countries and the Senegalese. We'll talk. You won. You won. You don't even know. It might suck. You might watch the bit. No, the one about the fourth world countries and the Senegalese. We'll talk. You won.

You won. You don't even know. It might suck. You might watch the bit. You don't like it. The point is, it's hard to know what's real if you just accept that the government is being honest because they've been dishonest about so many things. And if you either want to

believe the government 100% about everything and think they have your best interests at heart, which is, you know, that's a good position. You want to live your life and have no worries and hopefully everybody will work it out. Or you want to admit that money changes everything. Money influences the way people decide things. Power influences everything. Hard to argue with that. Hard to argue with the idea that power influences, literally influences the way people project the world onto other folks. Influences in terms of people that are paying you for things or influences in terms of relationships you have with entities that have extreme power. of like relationships you have with entities that have extreme power you you you can't just assume that all the things you've been told are accurate

because they're just not if you go back throughout history like you go back and lead Schmedley Butler's let me just a racket plug lies my teacher told me by low and yes it's an old one still up, and you are being lied to, which is a compendium. Disinformation.com. Yeah. Disinfo.com. Yeah. That was a great book.

That changed my life. Yeah. There's many things, but the problem is it's not all things, and we have to be really non-attached to ideas. You have to realize that ideas are literally just ideas. They're not you. They're not me. If you believe that Roe versus Wade should be codified and it should be into law, and I go, hey man, what about when a baby's six months old? What do you do? And these are

discussions that don't have anything to do with us other than their ideas. I love you, and I think you're a good person, and I know I try very, very, very hard to be a good person, and I would hope that most people listening to this are also trying very hard to be good people. I think if we all come together on that notion, we're all going to be better off. But the problem is when you believe... Hey, TMZ, I saw that and fucking put it out.

Joe Rogan says something fucking normal, pragmatic, bringing people together, and you went to, oh, he said the N-word when? Listen, listen, the whole idea about, like, the border, like, the border. Look, I'm a fucking grandchild of immigrants. All of my grandparents came from Europe, all of them. I don't have anybody. I'm third generation, 100%. Grandfather. Now he's talking white privilege again.

They all came over here, man. This is a nation of immigrants. If you're saying that you should stop immigration 100%, it's like that's crazy talk. That's crazy talk. This is literally a nation. I'm holding my hand up in class. Go ahead, Mr. Stanhope. What do they call it when you're a cultural appropriation yes weren't we taught at our age you're almost as old as me almost i'm getting close didn't they call that a melting pot that's a positive and now it's

cultural cultural appropriation if you wear a fucking sombrero at fucking Cinco de Mayo or if you're a white girl and you have hoop earrings what does that mean? Latinas I think they let that go they let that go because they found out that

Babylonia the fucking Babylonians had earrings like that hoop earrings it's nobody's that's where I draw a line. If you're trying to be Babylonian, fuck you. You can't. I'm going to get a Babylonian

tattoo. That's my next tattoo. I need more tattoos. I almost got a tattoo last night. You need one, sir. That's how I've how fucked up I was. If I buy you a house, will you get a tattoo for the comedy mothership? I don't need a house. I need you to buy that guy's house. I mean, out here, out here in Austin. Oh, no. I almost

moved out here. I need you to move out here. Super important. I'll be biracial, or whatever you call it. Binational? Bi-state? You wouldn't even be bi-coastal. We're talking about both places are centrist.

Center of the country. But at the end of the day, we haven't- Isn't it the end of the day yet? Yeah. It's 4.30. I get a piss. Yeah. You got to go piss.

Go piss. No, no, no. We'll come back. No, I was- This is probably the only joe rogan podcast i've done where i didn't have to finally leave and piss i've had like three whiskeys and four cups of coffee and it's three hours in i'm good i get an extraordinary bladder i when i take a cerakool i told you i took a cerakool which I don't take and I don't recommend but if you want to sleep for 14 hours it's

a heavy psychotic anti-anxiety downer it's like lithium whatever fucking Jack Nicholson was on in one flew over the cuckoo's test it's like okay I have one night I can sleep like a fucking baby

and that's when I woke up and everyone was at the one bar I walked into just trying to find some breakfast. It's a hardcore downer. Mentally ill people are on this for the daytime. And I'm like, the first time, time bingo my girlfriend's mentally ill my wife and the first time she gave me one I slept for 24 hours and people are given this to get through their day it's a heavy anti-psychotic do you you see the controversy where Elon said that more people that he knows have had better success with psychedelics than they had with SSRIs? I said anti-psychotic. Yeah, but did you see that?

No. It was really interesting because I think it's kind of accurate. What's your guy from the comedy store? Clyde or Clive or whatever the fuck his name is, keep it on the DL. Don't give him up. He's like- What does he do? What's your problem with Elon Musk?

Who says that? I was talking shit about Elon Musk last night. Yeah. Okay. Why were you doing that? He goes, what's your problem? I go, well, first of all, I have to hate him because Johnny Depp's my friend. Listen, if you met him, you wouldn't hate him.

I know he wouldn't hate him. But I love Johnny Depp, and I don't hate him. I'm going there. Well, Johnny Depp has a problem with him, personally. I understand the problem. Yeah, you know, like your fucking high school kids. Oh, he fucked your girl. I high school kid. I get it. Oh, he fucked your girl. I hate that guy. I get it.

I know it's simpleton thinking, but I am very vain probably because I have one of the most punchable heads I've ever seen. You don't have a punchable head. To me, I do. I would not want to punch you. No, I just hate my fucking head. So I

hate other people like Jamie Kennedy or Sebastian Maniscalco. He's got a good head. I want to punch you in the face. Sebastian's beautiful. Just say it. Gross. There's other comics I hate because they're terrible. Chelsea Handler.

How dare you? What? She's... How dare What? I watched a special just to hate watch it. Why do you watch documentary? About butterflies. Something positive. Are you Alex Jones-ing me?

When I did Alex Jones' fucking thing, his podcast, before he was over the top. Do you want to do it while you're out here? We all know. Do you want to do it while you're out here? No, no, no. I'll set it up. He's gone.

No, no, no. When he started, when Alex Jones started in Austin, we were more popular than him. And he did this cable access thing. Yeah. And then that guy Charlie is like, yeah, he's just being a cartoon. He's trying to sell tickets. And then he bought his own bullshit. Well, he's right about enough things that it's very confusing.

You know, Alex Jones was right about Epstein. Spaghetti against the wall. No, no, no, no. One of those strips of spaghetti is right. No, no, no, no. One of those strips of spaghetti is right. No, no, no, no. He told, no, he's right about more than spaghetti against the wall. That's why we know about Operation Northwoods. I'll give him that.

No, no, no, no. I knew about that beforehand, or in that range. I read it online. But he told me about Bohemian Grove. He told me about Epstein's Island. When he told me about Epstein's Island, I was was like that is the craziest thing i've ever heard where a bunch of like really rich influential people and politicians and world leaders go to fuck underage girls i'm like that's crazy it's an island that's crazy and it turns out to be true i was like what and he tells me people who told him about it and

how he heard about it jamie remember my counter counterpoint is Joe Francis from Girls Gone Wild. Let's go. Go ahead. No. You can't connect the two. Like, I know. Cut it and let me go. If you hang out with Alex, you would understand.

Like, Alex has problems. He's definitely had problems. He had a lot of alcoholism but the problem with Alex is he all day long he's he's investigating conspiracies and finding out how many of them are accurate and it freaks him out and and he needs someone around him to balance things out and he doesn't have that and when he does have that when Alex talks to people like you or me if we if Alex is here on a podcast cut out no this isn't if we have

a good time and Alex was like talking about stuff you would know that he knows some stuff that is bizarre if true and then turns out to be true and then you go what what are you doing like how you like all day I studied these things all day I investigate these things and he does he he has a lot of like really weird influential people who contact him about weird information about shit. It turns out to be fucking accurate, man. At what point are we responsible for misinformation? That's a good question.

Because people do believe in us. Here's what they need to believe. I don't want to discount. But you and I are just talking shit. We might be right and we might not be right, but we're not saying. Look, if you say in order to be a comic, it takes a long time and a lot of work and it's a lot of effort and you've got to go on the road, you've got to experience different kind of crowds, that's accurate and comes from a place of experience. If you want to start talking about fucking Bohemian Grove, you've never been there. I've never been there. We don't know. We're talking shit. If you want to take my word at talking shit, that's a problem. If you want to take my

word, if we're just discussing something that we saw on the news, like what is happening, what's going on with Roe v. Wade, we don't even know. If that is the case and you want to base your worldview on that, that's not wise. And I would tell people, don't do that. But if you want to stop me from talking about all subjects that I'm not 100% informed on, well, that's not going to happen. So we're going to have to come to some sort of an agreement here. And one of the agreements is, I'm going to be honest with you. And if I know things, I'm going to tell you that I absolutely 100% know things and if I don't I go did you hear this thing? What is this?

If you want to say I shouldn't talk about this because I don't have a degree in that or I don't know or too many people are listening, that's nonsense. I'm not saying that I'm the fucking end all be all end of information here. Cuckold is a word

that I knew from porn and then everyone adopted that word as i think now on twitter you're just a cuckold you don't even know what it means i'm gonna piss all over this table if we don't stop this podcast right now i'm going i'm leaving we're gonna pee we'll come right back oh yeah oh you have to pee first time joe rogan has to pee before me we're back um the beautiful thing about what we went through when we did the man show was that it it let you know that you can't do this with everybody the re the the average person is gonna like look at what we're trying to do and go fuck that that's terrible that's awful it's gonna be but it's the same as podcasts like your podcast is very successful so is mine no it's not at all it's

fine the people that love it love it the people that love it love it you have a diehard group of people don't lie to me motherfucker i know you sell out comedy clubs all over the fucking countries like when you're doing shows the people that love it love it Why do they love it? They love it because it's authentically you with no filter Yeah, but my podcast is not popular, which is fantastic It's like okay if you're into me all right. This is what backstage is like and it's pretty boring I'm not I'm not going out shooting fucking gophers and javelinas like you. You ever shot a gopher or a javelina?

I thought you went shooting javelinas. No, you were telling me about a javelina that killed. I specifically told you not to come to Bisbee because you would be so bored. Because my real off time is just sitting, drinking, and talking to someone. Well, them javelinas killed your neighbor's dog. That's where- That's this javelina dog.

That wasn't even javelinas. That was javelinas. The dog was even more vicious. Anyway- Really? The dog was more vicious? The dog was a dog that you're scared of and I don't know the type and the Javelinas killed a scary dog. Yeah, very scary dog giant wolf like

Javelinas killed a wolf like dog. Yeah It didn't have tusks. Holy shit. This is 15 years ago. So now I'm imagining Imagining it as a fucking- Werewolf. But it was a scary dog. Anyway. Anyway. But you kill javelinas, don't you?

No, never. Wild pigs a couple times. I would kill javelinas. I killed a few wild pigs. They're wild pigs, but they're not- They're not. They're a peccary. It's a different animal.

Thank you for remembering that word because every time. But they look like wild pigs. Yeah, real similar. Real similar looking. They're blind and they knock over your fucking trash. They're not blind. They just don't. Their eyes are not that good.

Same as pigs. That's the thing they have in common with pigs. They operate on movement and smell. Yeah. We have a friend, Neighbor Dave, who's a neighbor, oddly enough. And

he's a big, fat guy. What are you saying? He got treed by javelinas. He used to run a route. That was his job. He was running routes for Frito-Lay, going to Walmart and all the surrounding towns. And he would have to get up at four in the morning.

So he jumped up in the back of his pickup truck because Javelinas had gotten inside his gate. Holy shit. And he got treed in the back of his... Holy shit. And he got treed in the back of his- Holy shit. He's the fucking roly-poly man from the Eggman from Capitol Hill. Dude, javelinas are fucking terrifying. And he had to sit there for like four-

He was late for work because he had to wait for them to leave. Jesus. Yeah. They're the most callable animal. Like if you- There's like animals that you can call in, like turkeys. Jesus. Yeah. They're the most callable animal. There's animals that you can call in, like turkeys. You're like, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark. And turkeys will come in.

They think it's another turkey. Javelinas are the most callable animal because you call them in like you're dying. You make a screaming noise like, maaaah, maaaah. If javelinas think you're in pain they come running in full clip this is a q anon conspiracy there's videos of it javelinas react better than any animal that i've ever seen that reacts to a call like the calls that they used when they hunt javelinas and javelinas are very edible by the way they're really delicious apparently if you cook them right we live in javelina territory and we just had this conversation of people that kill javelina and they go no my friends who know how to hunt they they've killed them and they've like prepared

them properly they said they're delicious they said it tastes a lot like wild pigs but the same thing people say about wild pigs they know they're not good eat, but they're very good to eat. I want to shit on this taco place. I got so fucked. I didn't tell anyone in Austin I was here. And there's a very Austin taco place involved in my hotel.

So I got here two days early so Joe Rogan could finally tell me where the fuck I'm supposed to go. He could have called me, ladies and gentlemen. He didn't text me. He used our friend Kerry. You didn't text me. Last time I had to fucking go through Red Band.

You didn't. Just tell me where the studio is. Whenever you ever text me where I didn't text you back. Because I know you're busy. Yeah, but that's the problem. Yeah, you're fucking dealing with fucking TMZ or something. I don't deal with anybody. It's in text me because I know you're busy. Yeah, but that's the problem. Yeah, you're fucking dealing with fucking TMZ or something. I don't deal with anybody.

Anyway, tacos. Tacos. Austin thinks it's I'm not going to say the name of the place but it's attached to my hotel. I got in late on Sunday. Today is Tuesday. I know we're doing the thing on Tuesday. I don't know if it's attached to my hotel. I got in late on Sunday.

Today is Tuesday. I know we're doing the thing on Tuesday. I don't know if it's the podcast or the show. I told you it was the show. You don't listen. Yeah, it was the show, but I didn't know about the podcast. But the podcast and the show. I told you both.

Well, it wasn't in the text feed. We talked on the phone. The point is I don't want to bother you. You should have a chaley or a hennigan i can call the guy that's not bothered with fucking life so i'm gonna tell you what i said to al magical one time al magical was talking to me about having a an assistant i go just do less shit if you need an assistant do less shit you don't want an assistant you have some person in your life it's. It's unmanageable.

Maybe I'm giving bad advice. Maybe he's better off with that. But for me, I don't want anybody that's giving me my schedule every day. I have no interest in that. I will do less things. Less things. You're probably drunk less often than me, so I have to count on a guy. Even if I was drunk all day.

What did I say last night? What did I say? Did I agree to do something with you? Yeah, still. I forget my point. Tonight, we're going to have a good fucking time. Yeah, I know the chunk. Because when I did uh skank fest or you're doing this show that show the other show and they're like i don't do right 15 minutes

like you don't right you do chunks every so i learned okay during skank Fest, okay, this is whatever, 12, 15, 8 minutes, I don't know. But I know how it begins and ends, so that's what I'm doing tonight, is the bits that you tried to lead me into, and I went, I'll save that. I'm not going to burn material. Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, if you get this, it'll be too late. Yep. While you're listening is the next day, and we've already gone. I think I've done two Texas tours where I have not purposely done Austin, which is, in Texas, my biggest draw.

Why have you purposely not done Austin? Because I'm waiting out of fucking respect for you to have a thing open. And you've had some ups and downs. I appreciate that very much. Well, it's not really been ups and downs. It was a little bit of a down. But honestly, the up that came after the down is way better. The place we have now is a way better location.

It's a way better situation. We got an amazing architect. We got everybody here. And also, like, all the people that we hired had a chance to just relax for a year and just, like, chill out. Financially, for me, when I showed up here still not knowing what we're doing after I asked you for details of where's and when's and what's, and I got fucking radio silence. You didn't ask me. All I know. You asked an old phone

I'm guarantee you I'll show you the phone oh do you want nothing on my phone do you want to lose a these are all yeah 100% these are all see these texts right here Douglas Douglas Douglas see these texts they're all from me to you all of them The last one from you to me. I asked where do I have to be when and you said fantastic, can't wait to see you without giving me any fucking details. That's accurate. And if you want to scroll back to a year ago.

But then under that, I tell you when and where. And it's yesterday. I tell you yesterday. That was after I ate 50 milligrams. I understand what you're saying, but I had given you the date and the yesterday. I tell you, yesterday. That was after I ate 50 milligrams. I understand what you're saying, but I had given you the date and the time. I really had. It's just like you had forgotten. So I gave it to you again.

It's all good. No, I did not. We called. I'm very happy. I just want to be right. I'm happy you're here, too. I want to be right. You're right.

I suck. Roseanne Barr. That's my girl. Okay. We're going to see her tonight. I love her to death. Roseanne Barr, I reached out to her immediately after all that bullshit happened with her. And I said, listen, they don't know you.

They don't understand what's happening. If you want to come to my podcast and talk about it. And then people started showing up with fucking news organizations and shit outside of my studio. This is another conversation we have to have off the air. Okay. Because that night I was fancying myself a Ray Donovan. And I go, what you should do is Joe Rogan's podcast. Oh, that's hilarious.

Don't say shit. I'll show you these texts. That's hilarious. You get everything. Well, it's like my thing to her that I said to her when she first came on the show, I said, I think you're one of the greatest comics of all time. And I said, and I know you, and also I know what happened to you. And what people don't know about Roseanne Barr is that Roseanne Barr was hit by a car when she was 15.

And she was put in a mental institution for nine months. She had a severe brain injury. And so the benefits of her chaos were Roseanne, the television show, her HBO specials, her amazing stand-up. It's this wild, creative creative like unhinged person but the reason for that was because of a traumatic brain injury and like i love her as a comic and i love her as a person i love her as like like what she did for comedy she's one of the best comics of all time she's one of the best women comics has ever lived and one of the top 20 comedians have ever lived you put roseanne in there because she was a monster in her prime she was a monster i remember seeing her first on

hbo prime she showed up in 2016 it's in that fucking whatever the no encore for the donkey she showed up and did guest sets in Colorado Springs and Salt Lake City. Ah, that's awesome. And fucking destroyed. I don't know if you know Christine Levine, one of my favorite comedians. She's like most of my friends, fucked. But best comic. And I was hosting I was doing a tour where I was hosting because I was trying

to work out right after a special came out all right why don't I host bring two headliner comics yeah and I can do 15 15 15 yeah so you get enough of me right that you paid for great idea so she happened to be in Colorado and Salt Lake where she's from Salt Lake but she grew up in Denver so she showed up twice Christine Levine is a woman of a proportionate size and very uh Roseanne Barr like. So I would introduce her saying, a lot of people call her the next Roseanne Barr, and I would bring her up to do 10 to 15. Right. Then I go, we have a special guest who's a local act,

and we can all take a little bit of time to support a local act that's from here. They call her the next Roseanne Barr. Here's Roseanne Barr. And she'd come up with a baseball hat, and it would take like 10 seconds for people to go, oh, fuck, that is Roseanne Barr. Wow.

And crush. So now she's just signed on to do some Fox has like a Paramount Plus or a whatever plus, a streaming service I'll never figure out. But she just and she's like, hey, I just signed a thing to do this in September, and I need help. I'm working on a new act. And I talked to her for, like you, in a tell over an hour. Is this recently? Yeah. So she has a new deal?

They fucked up so hard when they canceled her, when they got rid of her off that show, and that show went away. She canceled herself. You don't get canceled as a comic. We're fucking breathing life into this bullshit they fired her from her her own television show they 100 canceled her they fired her from her own show i'm sorry i thought we were talking about stand-up comedians i'm talking about roseanne like when she did her show day after louis ck got canceled he could

have sold out five times as many people across the street from me. That's true. That's true. But that's Louis doing live standup and he wanted to take a break. But Roseanne got fired from her own show. And then they tried to do the show without her. And it was a giant mistake.

It was like, like, she should have been fucking canceled from her own show. She's crazy out of her tits. And this is something we'll talk about that's the air but isn't that like what made her show amazing in the early days when she had rosanne the original she's fucking texting me that people from saturn are invading our country like the fucking guy she sent me text messages at the same time as Dima from the Ukraine was saying, you must tell people about this. She was texting me.

We need to let people know that people from Saturn, and I go, I don't care about immigrants as long as they pay the cover charge. She just needs a platform. If Roseanne wants to talk about Saturn people, come sit with me. I'll talk to her about people from Saturn we're gonna be okay she's fine Alex Jones is fine you're fine what about you I feel pretty good Douglas let's get the fuck out of here I gotta do a show we nailed this show this was a good one this was you and me like legit this is like felt like i don't know what happened last time but i

it was a long time man there's a fucking pandemic i cried i cried when i left here because you fucking walked off the fucking thing and then wouldn't even say goodbye to me no that's not i hugged you listen you just you talked to me about it afterwards and i try to console you i go dude it was fine it was fun it was just awkward like when things are awkward sometimes people look we were all going through some weird shit that was the first time i had left the house after 18 months it was fucking weird it was hard to get loose this this show we came in we got loose and it was normal it felt like 100 like you and me together but there's not it's okay it's like that that's good for everybody to see like this is life life is fucking i didn't

know what the fuck there's so many people in bisbee where i live in a town of 5 000 people away they don't even know what stand-up comedy is they don don't know Sebastian Maniscalco or fuck. I said, if I went up and down my neighborhood and knocked on doors going, do you know who Louis C.K. or Dave Chappelle are? They would go, why are you at my door?

They don't know, but even my UPS man right before I left to come out and do this, hey, I listened to Jan Rogan. I'm going back there, but I don't know for what. Let's just delete the old one. Let's delete the last one.

No. I'll call Spotify right now. I would never watch it. I'll tell them to say the N-word and we'll delete it. Two podcasts with you. I'll tell him to say the N-word, and we'll delete it. Two podcasts with you. Even in my book about 2016, I wrote, I could not watch that End of the World podcast because I was so fucked.

Doug, I don't watch any of my podcasts. No, I don't either. But that's good. It's good. Just keep moving. But this was for the book, and i knew it would be so hard for me to watch that's where i think my wife might die but i'm not gonna cancel end of the world trump election podcast because i put it together and i called you and i go before bingo was in a coma

i called you i go i go, I don't think. And you go, no, fuck that. We have to do this. Yeah, you had to keep doing it. And then I thought if I said, oh, wait, now my wife's in a coma, he's going to act like that's the dog ate my homework excuse. I just wanted you to have something that would distract you from something you couldn't control. And I felt like at least if you could get out and do something, we would hang out together.

Like you can't control how she recovers and thank God she recovered, but you can't control that. And we were in a situation where you had an opportunity to do this thing. And I was like, let's just do this thing. It's like, if you don't want to do it, I understand, but I think it would be good. It was brilliant, but not because of me. You guys, you and Bill Burr carried that. Well, I had to leave because I did a set in the OR, and I found out that Sarah Tiana and Bill Burr

got in a tremendous argument, and I wish that I had the courage to go back and listen to the podcast and find that. I can't. That's the only thing I wanted to see. I wrote that in the book. I will tell you everything, but I will not watch that because I would hate myself so much.

But I know what I was. I was under duress and fucking freaked out. Yeah, you were, but it was okay. It was fun. Even the fact that Hannigan kept bringing people on the stage. Like, why is there eight people on the stage? I remember you. It was all fun.

Like, why is it? I go, we should have more diversity on the stage. Yeah, that's what he said. I go, get the fuck out of here, Hollywood boy. I kicked him into the backstage. I remember Alan Manson called you on the phone. I go, hang up on him. I go, he's right back there.

I walk right through the fucking stage. He would not come on stage. He was supposed to come on stage. I go, come on, hang up on him. I go, he's right back there. I walk right through the fucking stage. He would not come on stage. He was supposed to come on stage. I go, come on, hang up on him. Because he was calling you. I was like, hang up. Hang up. The fuck?

That dirt. Marilyn Manson is so fucking beautiful. He's the most gentle person. And what happened that night, before we even got to end of the world is in the book and i've not been sued yet what book is this uh no encore for the donkey is that available on amazon no no it's it was an audible exclusive but now the hard copy's coming out. I told Brian Hennigan, I said, if this is not out in hard copy, by the time I do Rogan, you're fired. Whoa.

How is Hennigan still around after the End of the World podcast? You should have told him, you've got to seek your own path, sir. Good luck. We're a family. Give him a sprig of sage and send him into the woods no he's he's here in town he'll is he coming tonight please probably please tell him to come tonight i love him but uh he if it's not out and now it's my fault

because I have to just fix two sentences in the introduction of the physical copy because it's only been out on audible for fucking a year and a half now well just write a short introduction just write a

short introduction lad it's almost as hard as writing your own bio. Yeah, writing your own bio is gross. Oh, my God, it's fucking disgusting. Doug Stanhope has been thrilling and entertaining clubs and colleges across the United States. He appeals to both. He is an iconoclast. He says what we're all thinking, but we're afraid to say.

I love those guys. Douglas, me boy. I just want to say, fuck Bisbee. All right. That's it. It's like every place gets weird. Every fucking place on earth. You live in the fucking middle of the desert.

People will find you. Nice shoes. 212 Van Dyke Street. Hey. Bisbee, Arizona. Edit that out. Edit that out. They come to you.

No, if you Google Doug. Jamie. Google search Doug Stanhope's address. Listen, the problem is not Google searching. The problem is 11 million people listening to you say your address. Don't do that to yourself. Oh, your ratings have dropped? I thought it was 30.

Might be 80. Schizophrenics, they'll come for you. You don't want that. Maybe I'll have to do that bit that's a bit i can only do on stage because i can't do it on a podcast listen to me boy this podcast is how many hours long is this jamie it's like you pissed first i did i did piss first um vulcan atX.com That's where we're at tonight

I love you to death I'm glad we went through this together All of it including the Last podcast and then this one Which is perfect The last one was like it's good Gotta take a loss sometimes Gotta feel bad

I cried after that last podcast You gotta feel bad I sent you a video I left here so dejected Gotta feel bad. I cried after that last podcast. You gotta feel bad. Literally. I've had bad ones. I sent you a video. I left here so dejected because you wouldn't talk to me after the podcast. That's not true. That's not true. No.

That's how I remember it. No, no, no, no, no. Truth is how you remember it. Douglas, Doug Douglas. But I sent you a video. That's not true. I hugged you. I said goodbye.

You left. My fucking security guard picked you up on the road. That's what I was getting to. Yeah. You forgot. I thought a fan. You left. My fucking security guard picked you up on the road. That's what I was getting to. Yeah. You forgot. I thought a fan. I know. It was my first time leaving the house after 18 months and I drove out here.

But you can't say that I didn't say goodbye to you. That's not true. It's not true. But that might not be true. You were frustrated at the awkwardness of the last podcast. That's all it was. I'm just getting to the point where I'm walking. I was like

three blocks from a hotel and a guy pulled up and goes, hey Stan Hope. And I thought, it's a random fan. Yeah, you'd met him a couple hours earlier. Well, I was walking home all like, I might as well have a stick and a pack.

Like, I'm humbling my way off. Like, Tom. Yeah, my security guy calls me. He's like, I don't think he's doing so good. It's on video. If you want to put that video on this. No, I don't want people to see my fucking security guy's face. They look for him. Google

search. Your security guy. You had like nine of them. You gotta have a few. They're all fucking Navy SEAL Team 6. Well, it's good to have strong men to protect you from Doug Stanhope's whims. But I was

so dejected like I fucked up the last podcast. But you didn't, Doug. Doug, you didn't. But the point is, for the listeners, I'm walking home. It's three blocks to the closest hotel that I found. Right. And I'm walking through this industrial field of fucking blank things. And someone yells, Stanhope.

And I think it's a fan and i was so out of my sorts i go yes i will take a random ride from a fan i thought it was a fan and then i started filming it and then i realized oh this is not a. This is one of your fucking security people. Well, I think he kind of had to explain that to you. Yeah. Yeah. It's fucked. Yeah, don't do that. Don't just jump into people's cars.

If there's any message we can get out today that can help everyone, don't jump into people's cars. I'm sorry if I'm promoting the time that it went well that I just hit someone's car. Don't mess with me, boy! Let's wrap this up. Get me out of here. Instagram, please. Give him back his fucking account. I love you, Instagram. I know

you're fucking censoring people and shadow banning. Wasn't even I never said anything on there. Brian Hennigan just put up random tweets he's a terrible person he's a terrible person look who's done to you if if you reinstate my instagram take credit so it's not all these other people that say i did it myself i think we can make that happen um but uh shout out to all the people that are out there managing social media, trying to deal

with all the fucking armies of people putting content up 24-7. I can't imagine managing at scale. Douglas, survivor of COVID, great stand-up comedian, friend of mine for life. Tonight, we're going to have some fun. That's it. Goodbye, everybody. God bless. Hare Krishna.

Take us out, big girl. Okay, bye-bye now.