The Joe Rogan Experience - #1818 - Christina P

Episode Date: May 13, 2022

Christina P is a stand-up comic and co-host of the "Your Mom's House" podcast with her husband and fellow comedian Tom Segura. Her new Netflix comedy special, "Mom Genes," is available now. http://www.christinaponline.com/

the joe rogan experience train by day joe rogan podcast by night all day good now okay good so my my mom and my stepdad were super fat when i was in high school and their favorite spot was claim jumpers because of the pork you can get a lot of food get a lot and like did you ever eat there oh yeah oh my god they can get a lot of food. You can get a lot. And like, did you ever eat there? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. They give you a piece of chocolate. Piles of food.

That should be the slogan. Piles. You could eat by the pound. And yeah, it was like a slice of chocolate cake that was this big. It was like five pounds of cake. Yeah, enormous. And they loved it.

But I think they stopped banging. You know, in the marriage, when you stop having sex, you just eat. I think that's what happens, right? That's rough. I know. It gets to that weird place where it's like, what are we doing? Are we just like friends?

Can I tell you I jerk off to porn? Like, you know what I mean? It's like if you get to that spot where you're not having sex anymore. That's the worst. It's common though. In marriage? Oh, yeah. Not in my marriage my husband

will hold me down and i'm sure make it happen i swear tommy can have like a fever and he's like are we going oh my god dude but um but if you're oh my god the worst is when you're in a relationship with someone and you stop banging and like you know when you like you live with them and then you god you fucking hear them come in and you're like oh this motherfucker's here like oh it's the worst yeah when people either grow together or they grow apart and if they grow apart and they're still together that's fucking terrible then you're like living with the enemy you know you have like some yeah some shithead that you work with but they're in

your house you know like there's like that shithead of the office like oh this fucking annoying asshole and this now it's your husband like you ever done you ever done the landmark forum yeah i know and you're like what are you guys what are you in the landmark there's always one in an office right trying to recruit yeah yeah what do you do i mean you hope that your marriage that that person is intellectually curious enough and introspective enough that they want to grow right yeah they want to grow with you yeah you hope that you've married someone that's like the secret you know i because i'm watching this amber herd thing cheers to that yeah oh i know you've been into it too let's talk about that fucking crazy bitch and like the whole time you know i have two little boys so i'm like how do i raise

these boys to not be into that they're not going to be into that okay tell me why first of all because he grew up famous he's an actor he lives in that bullshit world he's insulated from regular people that's true also i think he was in a real loving relationship before with the mother of his child you know he's married and and then left for this crazy bitch and i think that when you do that like you expect relationships to be like the original relationship that you had i think paul mccartney fell into that too yeah married that one-legged lady yeah yeah yeah she was fucking. Remember how insane she was? Yes.

Like she kept files on him and threatened to tell everyone everything. Like what do you think you have on Paul McCartney? And like he's such a good guy. He's a great guy. He's into the one-legged lady, right? Yeah, he thought he was like doing her solid. Meanwhile, she was like setting up for a big fall.

She wanted everything. Bitch, I'm doing you a solid. You got one leg. Who's going to bang you? There's monsters out there. Women. There's monsters out there. Men too, for sure.

I know, but here's the deal, man, is that like during Me Too, it was like believe all women. Believe all women. I remember being like, yeah, yeah. Okay, let's start. Absolutely, there's a need for that in society. But all of them? No. All of them? Because there's some crazy bitches out there. What's that in society. But all of them? No. All of them?

Because there's some crazy bitches out there. What's that lady who killed her kid in Florida? How many? I mean, there's always some lady that, oh, I don't know. Casey Anthony. Thank you. How about Casey Anthony? So fat, yeah.

Is she out there kicking ass? What's going on? Believe her? You know what I mean? I know. It's like there's quite a few that are insane. I know. This whole male versus woman thing. I know. And this whole like male versus woman thing.

I know. Oh, it's so crazy. And the ones who propagate that, the women who prop that up, are the most insane. They're the most insane and the ones who hate women the most. Like the female comedians that I know that go and attack men whenever anything happens and try to support women. Those girls hate women. They hate other successful women. They hate women doing better than them.

They're haters in general. They're haters in general. But they can find support in attacking like a piece of shit man. Yeah, yeah. It's an easy thing to rally around and get support. No one's going to be like, let's defend the rapist, clearly.

Yeah, it's a good way to start. Start with rapists. Yeah. You know? Yeah. If you're going to be a murderer, be Dexter. Yeah.

Or the serial killers. Yeah. Everybody's on your side. You can get a show. Yeah. That's the thing. They always rally around stuff that people are like,

yeah, well, duh. Duh. No shit. Exactly. Nobody's pro-rapist. Yeah, you're so right. And you know, as I said,

I'm raising two little boys. So I'm like, I can't hate dudes. I'm raising dudes. boys. So I'm like, I can't hate dudes. I'm raising dudes. You know, I don't think you have to worry about them getting roped into a family. With you two in the house, first of all, they're constantly hearing bullshit being broken down and shit on. Right? So, like, that's the thing with my kids, too.

It's like everything is made fun of. Yeah. So the things that are nonsense, it's really hard to sneak them by my kids because they're like, what? They know now. They've been trained to think properly. They hear what all the time. What the fuck are you talking about? See, that's the essence of it because as I'm raising my kids, I'm like, what is the secret sauce here?

It's not getting good grades. We all know some of the most successful motherfuckers got bad grades, right? It's not about doing what you're told. It's about thinking clearly and the ability to think and go, ah, that's not true. That's not right. No, I'm not going to do that. Yes, I'm going to do that. And to do what your peers aren't doing, you know, to think clearly. How do you teach that? You got to give them tests like they have to do things that are difficult like sports are really good for boys because it forces you to work hard and you you understand that effort actually equals reward that's everything that's big sports are big for kids yeah people don't like sports because they think of sports as like being

connected to jocks and assholes and bullies. But the reality is those difficult social interactions and then the physical struggle of athletics, especially one versus one athletics. There's so many life lessons in that. Like tennis? Yeah, anything where it's one versus one. I think so, too. Because if that guy fucking whacks that ball by you, he got you.

Period. End of discussion. That ball goes flying by.acks that ball by you, he got you. Period. End of discussion. That ball goes flying by. You're like, fuck. He got you. Maybe if you were in a little better shape, you would have knocked it back in hand. Maybe if you practiced a little more, you had a little more strategy, a little more training.

Yeah. You go, if I wasn't such a loser, I'm such a fucking loser. And you work harder. And then one day you beat him. Like, motherfucker, I got you. And you come home we are the champions my friend yeah i like that grit see resilience the fuck i'm taught yeah some people never develop that and those are the saddest people to be around they also have a really hard

time with other people being successful because they're like haters man yeah haters a lot of haters there's haters and there's winners and you learn that i learned that through stand-up comedy failure is the best teacher it's a great motivator that's for sure to avoid the shame of failure absolutely all these negative feelings that we're trying to protect children from right it's the secret sauce yeah it feels bad but that's also what gets you out of bed and gets you going. That's like fat shaming. Like it works. The best. Oh my God. So I'm, I'm obsessed. Okay. I'm obsessed with French culture right now because I want to age gracefully. I don't want to be just like a fat American wife. Do you like, I want about someone with like fillers? I do a little bit,

but I'm not going to go crazy. Get a cat lady face? I can't wait. Tommy wants me to get bigger tits. Really? He's like, your tits are so small. They're huge. Whoa, is he talking shit? He's just joking. But I saw you look at them. You were like, are they?

No, they're big. They're enormous. I've seen them a lot. You've seen them a lot? known you for like fucking over a decade i know you've seen me pregnant and then not like for 15 years isn't that wild it's crazy and it's like our lives stayed the same yeah pretty much same shit different toilet can i take my shoe yeah so anyway i like to get comfortable and talk to you so I was reading about French culture. And do you know that in France, they don't even sell like size 10 or 12 clothing? Like the culture fat shames you so hard. Especially women. Like after you have a baby, your mother, your friends will be like, are you going to?

Time to get it off. Time to tighten it up, bitch. They're not known for being into like physical fitness, though. No, they're very gelatinous. Like the men, you can tell they're kind of they have that body yeah yeah so they just don't eat yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you just have to be anorexic and then you like i like to walk or i maybe swim i do a little bit of swimming whatever gives me pleasure it's always about pleasure oh yeah but i don't think americans you push it too hard.

They don't have to go to a gym. Their food, though. So good. That's the side of that only wanting pleasure. It's like you get amazing food. I know, dude. Yeah. What's your jam? Oh, God.

Well, I'm mostly a meat eater. Oh, that's right. But I like foie gras. Fucking A, dude. Yeah. I mean, it's a French word. Foie. Foie gras.

Foie gras. It's really just liver. It's just duck liver, which sounds a French word. Foie. Foie. Foie. Foie. Foie. Foie. It's really just liver. It's just duck liver, which sounds gross. But foie. So good. Foie sounds amazing. Right. Duck liver's for hillbillies, but foie.

Foie. Foie. And don't they force feed the duck? Mm-hmm. Like they force feed it champagne. The thing about that is, no, they feed it grain. They put a tube down its mouth and feed it grain. The thing about that is, though, everybody says, oh, my God, that's awful.

They force feed the ducks. You're right. Kind of. But the problem is they like it. The ducks actually go towards the force feeder. Yeah, they walk towards the force feeder. They want the food. Hilarious.

Yeah. It's not like they run away and hide like a dog that's being beaten or anything like that. It's like they actually go towards the force feeder. Look at that. Bourdain told me about that. I miss him. Because I was, yeah, I miss him too. I loved him.

You seen my paintings I have of him? I did. Look at that big giant one. You know, I really, I read all his books and I watched his shows and I felt, and I'm not into celebrities, but I was so, I felt so connected to that guy. I didn't know him. I just really enjoyed his whole vibe. He was a great guy. He was a to that guy. I didn't know him. I just really enjoyed his whole vibe. He was a great guy.

He was a great, complicated guy. And I knew him pretty good. I hung out with him a bunch and was friends with him. That was one of those ones where I really felt like if I was around him, I could have helped. Because it was a girl thing. It was like a humiliation thing. am I going to help? Because it was a girl thing.

It was like a humiliation thing. And it was, you know, I felt like that guy needed someone rigid. Someone to be like, hey, man, you're going to be fucking fine. Fuck all this. Like, you're going to be fine. Don't buy into any of this bullshit. You know, you just hitched your fucking train to the wrong caboose you got a crazy bitch in your life it's not good and i've seen many a guy who falls in love with the romantic notion of the wild woman you know you want this wild independent you know tattooed fucking rebel

she does heroin smoke cigarettes and you know and it's it's romantic it's and bourdain was a guy that liked image right he was very um aesthetically oriented he liked rebels he liked you know like a certain kind of music that like inspired this rebellious soul and love it he loves chefs that were like you know cutting edge and laws yeah and you know with finger tattoos and shit like that's he was a wild dude and he he loved the idea of a woman like that but i don't i don't think he knew what a woman like that really is you have to be a predator like you have to be on you have to understand weakness like you have to go oh look at that limp hmm you're not to make it to the waterhole.

You've got to see the weakness in people. You've got to see the real flaws to see the whole thing. You can't just only concentrate on the pretty feathers. Like, oh, those pretty feathers. I need you to be a part of my life. Well, that comes with heroin. That comes with chaos. That comes with lies.

That comes with cheating. That comes with stealing your money with lies it comes with cheating that comes with you know stealing your money when you know getting your atm card and it's like you don't want that in your life man you don't want that in your life you what you need is a burner phone if you're a single guy you need a burner phone aka a ho phone and you don't give them your real phone number and you hang out with them occasionally and frustrate them and they talk shit about you in interviews and that's fine. Yeah. Let that happen. Yeah.

She's drama. It's funny because I had a few chaos boyfriends before I met my husband. And, you know, the guy that's like, oh, he doesn't call you for four days. Yeah. And then you're like, well, where have you been? And then you go over there and he's like, I rearranged all my furniture because he was high on meth for four days. I made some collages. I wrote you a song.

And you're like, this guy's wild. And the sex is exciting because they're out of their fucking minds. And then it's this push pull. And I think that's what's so alluring about these psychos. It's like this is a familiar feeling. Maybe I had it with mommy and daddy. Push, pull, abandonment, whatever. Right.

And I'm going to recreate this drama the drama does she love me can i consume her can we consume each other right it's like um it's an infantile love and then real love when you get married is about you know your husband peeing on you in the shower and laughing or like trimming his beard and the sink you're only talking about real love with tommy oh sorry i've never done that that's my wife if i peed on my wife in the shower she'd smack me in the face we'd have a real problem yeah like tommy she'd be like excuse me bitch no she would not she's a lady yeah i am not a lady i'm learning from your wife how to be a lady she can help i know i know she knows how to do it um so you don't yeah like tommy is just so gross but anyway um but you need you need someone who is willing to work like you're willing to work

on the relationship on the friendship yes and like on being a good person on being kind and understanding considerate of you and your feelings and the way they talk to you. When you see people and like their spouse, like the man will insult the woman or the woman will insult the man. Like that kind of relationship is so toxic. I've never insulted my wife ever, ever. No, Jeff. I would never do it. I don't insult you.

I would never insult Tommy. I would never insult Jamie. I don't insult my it. I don't insult you. I would never insult Tommy. I would never insult Jamie I don't saw my friends. I don't insult them and if I have something to say that's Unsympathetic I tell them I'm sorry. I have to tell you this but this is what's wrong Yeah, you have to stop doing this like this is what's fucking you up But I do it out of love like look we could all give in to the impulse like you're annoyed at something Maybe you didn't get enough sleep, or you're tired Or you're hungover or whatever,

and someone's being annoying, like, shut the fuck up, you fucking idiot. You want to say that. But, you know, it's not the thing to do when you care. If I said that to my husband. Oh, my God. And, like, Tommy's not an abusive guy, but he might become one if I was like, shut up. No, he'd probably go, oh, for real?

Oh, okay. Oh, for real? Yeah. Yeah, he'd probably,, oh, for real? Oh, okay. Oh, for real? Yeah. Yeah, he'd probably start backing on you. Because you see those couples that are like, you're supposed to make a right turn here. You didn't make a right turn. You're supposed to make a, and now we got to go all the way. And it's like, what are you doing? Right.

Why are you, you're going to hang your- Fucking idiot. Yeah. Fucking idiot. You didn't put your blinkers on, you fucking idiot. People get hostile, but it's also that thing familiarity breeds contempt oh that's a thing with some people and part of it is because they're not comfortable in their own skin and so they start seeing all the things that are annoying

about you oh my friend and you lose that fun of the beginning part of the relationship where you talk to each other about stuff. Yeah. You know, and instead you just get annoyed. Well, I think you're absolutely right. You take it out on them. Yeah. And the problem is you.

It's this guy. Most of the time it's you. Yeah. You know, I think that's a huge beauty of being like middle-aged now is you go like oh dude this whole thing no one's giving a fuck about you right you understand like everyone this whole thing could have been avoided if i was a better person it was better being a human i could have like avoided most of my conflicts your drama because you are you've got your lenses on and then you're like this guy's this guy's fucking with me and you're like no he's not this is jamie he's just chewing his gum and he's looking at the monitor he's fucking

ignoring me right now oh that's schizo the crazier people get the more they think that people are plotting against them people that don't even know they don't even know who you are and they think you're plotting against them like that's the word that's it taken to the worst level of mental illness but even like minor level of mental illness, like, oh, she's doing that to annoy me. No, she's living her fucking life, man. She likes chopping food like that. She's not... Like, the fork doesn't hit

the plate through the meat because she hates you. It's just clink. I mean, you're like, ah, do you have to make that fucking noise every time you put your fork into the meat? Clink. You know, but that's when people are so upset with their own life and they're so unsatisfied and unfulfilled and they start finding flaws in everything else.

But generally speaking, a lot of that has to do with yourself. And I know personally when I'm most happy with my output, if I'm worked out, I stretched, I've meditated, everything's going great. I'm so much more compassionate and so much more caring about other people. I'm more charitable. I'm more relaxed about people. It's like, oh, maybe they're just not getting by good or maybe they're just, you know, it's an error in thinking. They're not a bad person. They're having a tough tough time of it i'll be more charitable absolutely and also being a function that's also i think a function of being a parent yeah you learn that that

compassion yeah i feel sorry for people that um decide that kids are just like a waste of time and effort. I agree. And you know what's interesting is that I think, and I fell into this trap too, I bought into feminism hardcore when I was in college. I was the angry feminist and I was like, I can't have kids, can't have kids. They're going to hinder my success. Your freedom.

My freedom. If I have a kid, I'm going to focus on them and my career is gonna die and then i was like i've had two boys and since then yeah it's just it's been a rocket ship because they make you better they test you in ways you were never tested the suffering of pair of motherhood i mean it is it is sublime suffering like last night i was up with my younger he was puking on me twice last night and um it's horrible it's fucking horrible but then you love them so much i mean who would who would you let in your life lay on you and vomit on you all night yeah

not a lot of people jamie i would tell him to go in the other room. Mike can't puke on me, bro. Yeah, but like... Yeah, it's a different kind of love. It's hard for people to understand. Like, I remember having a conversation with a buddy of mine. It's one of those normal conversations, and he was trying for a baby with his wife. And he goes, well, you know, I have a dog, and I really love my dog.

And I go, shut the fuck up. Just shut the fuck up. I love my dog, too. My dog is the best, I have a dog and I really love my dog. I go, shut the fuck up. Just shut the fuck up. I love my dog, too. My dog is the best. I would shoot him and cook him if my children were hungry. I hate to say that. It's a layer, Marshall. I love that dog.

But, you know, Manny Pacquiao, when he was a boy, his parents didn't have any food and they killed their dog. They killed the dog and cooked it. How did they prepare it? Did he mention? Well, it's just meat. How do you season it? Any kind of meat. Salt.

Mostly salt. Yeah, you got to do what you got to do. But when you eat a rover, it's rough. But that's like letting everybody know this is next step between eating the neighbor. Eat the dog first and the neighbor second. I don't know. I might go neighbor first before your dog i do love my dog what if you got a good neighbor you share a paw with the

neighbor nah here's the tail bitch it's tiny yeah it's that thing it's like you have to decide do you want to eat your dog or would you rather starve to death and you know it's a it's a moral decision at a certain point but it becomes a certain point, but it becomes a survival decision. And when it becomes a survival decision, you start thinking with your lizard brain and you think very differently. First of all, you think about your children. And if I saw my children starving, all bets are off. I'm diving in the lake with a gun.

I'm doing whatever I have to do. We're eating beavers. I'm finding food. I'm prostituting myself. I'm out there. I'm on Congress. Like what's up? Yeah. People do that. They do that because they, they realize like there's a certain level of comfort that we all have in a normal functioning Western society where it's, you know, fairly good access to food. As long as you keep your job, you could pay your rent. Like that's, that's cush. to food as long as you keep your job you could pay your rent like that's that's kush it seems it seems hard for most people but in comparison to like hunter-gatherer life in the fucking

serengeti yeah it's kush yeah dog i remember my so my parents escaped from communist hungary right and so i grew up around hardcore hungarian dudes like dudes missing knuckles who were like carpenters and like real blue collary old school. And I'll never forget this. This guy, one of my dad's friends was like, listen, Christico, in America, this is the easiest place to live. OK, everything is cheap. You rent some car.

Your clothing is cheap. Eating is cheap compared to other country. This is easy living. This is easy living. This is easy living. People make it. I'm like, yeah, I kind of, I get that. And then you travel and you're like, dude, this is kind of good. We got a decent system here, bro. This is an expression that I say all the time, but I'm going to say it again. The hardest thing that's ever happened to you is the hardest thing that's ever happened to you. It doesn't matter if it's easy, if it's a a very small thing like you can't get a table in a

restaurant you throw a hissy fit that's because that's the hardest thing that's happened to you today because your life is easy as fuck but if you're coming from a communist country and that's one of the things that i always liked about you is because your family did come from that heart like you aren't you don't buy into any bullshit that's why because you see where bullshit gets you yeah or all this fucking marxism and socialism and colleges you know where that gets you that gets you to a communist fucking ruling Dictatorship where you're doomed and the government decides how many potatoes you get in a week of course and look at all these assholes that Want to tell you what you can and cannot say yeah, go fuck your mother Don't tell me what I can and cannot say I think one of the greatest things is elon musk buying twitter it's amazing what i love it great it's amazing great good enough

enough i mean are we done being offended are we done there's nothing more to be offended by no they're gonna keep going it's they're gonna keep pushing the boundary because that's what the culture war is the culture war is just like we were talking about you know people that just decide to be upset at something rather than focusing on themselves that's a lot of what the culture that's what it's an externalization of the inside this is it their mental patients and they're externalizing their shit onto the world it's like what what is this and we're giving this a voice but think about yourself when you were in high school or when you were in college, when you were a feminist. College, college. You know, those thoughts, but those thoughts, like, they're valid thoughts.

Like, you're saying this because you see so much of the outside life that you don't like. You see so much of, like, women are being disrespected just simply because they're female or they're not being taken seriously because they're female and you're like, fuck that. You know, we can fucking dominate men. And you think of that because you're on team woman because you're a woman. Right. You know, it's like this normal sort of course of progression. And then as life goes on, you're like, oh, it's not a male versus female thing.

It's an asshole thing. Yeah. There's assholes out there. Everybody. Yeah. Some of them just happen to be male. That's right. And half this world is populated by males so i better learn to to love my bros and and see what and i love men yeah i love you guys you psychos look at everything men have built look at

society penicillin all this great stuff i think that was by accident. That was by accident, but you did it. I don't think you can say all men, though. Not all men. It's that energy, the male energy. It's a weird energy because it's the energy that's responsible for the vast majority of inventions. That's true. It's a weird energy. But then the other side of that, as I become mother and blah, blah, blah, is to realize the a ledger. Like, look at all this money. Right.

Comes in from being a mom. You don't think about it that way. Because it's not calculated by a, quote, male standard of achievement. It's just money. But the woman, it's just money. Yeah. Everything is money. Follow the dollars and you'll see where the bullshit goes.

But the woman is the center of the home. The woman is the center of the fucking universe. Well, you literally create all the human beings that have ever existed all of them but in this stupid world where everybody's just concentrating on material possessions and advancing

and keeping up with the Joneses that doesn't seem like for a lot of men oh my wife does spend money you know like they get into this sort of mindset where they don't respect that this is a completely different relationship with human beings. She's making them in her pussy. Yeah, dog. She's making them in there. Well, she squeezes them out of the pussy.

Well, they come. That's the door. That's the door. Go through the door. It's in the mountain. If there's a fucking door in the mountain, they're making them in the mountain. She makes them in her mouth. I don't know. Well, she makes them in her mouth. I don't know.

She makes them inside her uterus, Christina. Oh, how many? I don't even fucking know what a womb is. So stupid. We have this goofy society that puts, look, here's what it is. It's really simple. Yeah, go ahead. Break it down.

It's hard to acquire money, right? It's hard to get wealthy. So we think of money as being the most significant thing that a person does with their effort. Yes. But raising children is not just equally significant, but more significant because if your kids are a nightmare, you lose money. If your kids are a nightmare, your life is shit. You don't have any happiness. If you do a terrible job in raising your children, you're on the flip side of that.

You're going to have all sorts of chaos in your life because of that. There's no free ride. If you ignore your kids, like look at Hunter Biden. I know. What even happened there? I know. Why is he doing crack and getting foot jobs? I'll tell you why.

Because daddy wasn't around. That's right. Too busy being the fucking vice president and the senator from delaware that son of a bitch he did a shit job working 16 hours a day poor little hunters alone with a crack pipe and a fucking box of kiddie porn i know well someone told me a good saying he does yeah cut that out jimmy yeah um someone told me this great saying pay now or pay later with children you got you know there's this great viral clip pay now or pay later with children. You got, you know,

there's this great viral clip that Jordan Peterson has where he's like, you have little kids for four years, for four years. And then it's gone. And I'm like, yeah, dog, he's on it. That's right.

Four years. And I'm there. I come fucking, I'm there and I like it. And it changed me and it transformed me and it made me a better human being. And, uh, let Tom go out and make the money and I'll stay home.

Well, you're making money too. I am, but on a smaller scale. You guys have a great relationship in that you don't have any career conflicts and you also have one career, very successful thing that you do together, your mom's house. So because of that, it's such a cool gig. It's such a great thing. It's so amazing that you guys have that together, and it's so fun.

And then you also have your other stuff. You have your touring, and he has his touring, and then you're raising children together, and it's fucking great. It's a great life. You've got a great balance. I'm so lucky. And I wonder who suggested we do a podcast.

Look at that smile. You know, we a podcast. I like that smile. You know, we owe you. You're the hero. I think what you do is so important to so many people. And I'm so, so lucky that you were in our lives and are in our lives. Oh, it's my pleasure. I mean. When I saw you, I was like, you guys 100% should be doing a podcast together.

This doesn't make any sense. I go, you're hilarious together. You're both hilarious comedians. Like guys 100% should be doing a podcast together. This doesn't make any sense. I go, you're hilarious together. You're both hilarious comedians. Like, why aren't you doing a podcast together? And I remember Tom came home from that discussion. He goes, Joe says we should have a podcast. And I go, what's a podcast? You really didn't know?

Fucking what do I know? I mean, you, but here's what's, and I tell people about, I tell people this about you. The brilliance of you amongst many things. You're very diligent worker. You're a great comedian. You're fucking in it like you're doing. But that you've also been an early adapter. Is that the fucking term? Yeah. Adopter. Adopter. Yes. Where you go, oh, there's a cell phone. What's a cell phone? And, you know, Joe Rogan buys the first cell phone. That's like the brick. cell phone and you know Joe Rogan buys the first cell phone that's like the brick yeah and I heard this great story about you on the road where the guy goes

well yeah I needed a comic to fill in last minute and I go oh well Joe Rogan has the phone a cell phone then he carries around so I called Joe and then Joe can do the week you know what I mean like that's kind of blooming right from the comedy works or from comedy Connection in Boston. There you go. Yeah. Yeah, I had a cell phone in 1989. How big was it? How heavy? It was attached to my car.

It was in the middle between the two seats of my car. Did you have to take it out every time you left? No, no. It stayed in the car. I just had to lift it up. God. But it was cool. I could make a phone call while I was driving.

That's rad. Do you remember the fucking stereos that you had to pull out? Oh, yeah. I had one of those. But it was cool. I could like make a phone call while I was driving. That's rad. Do you remember the fucking stereos that you had to like pull out? Oh yeah, I had one of those. A Blaupunk. Yeah. You take it to the club with you? Yeah, because you didn't want to be stealing your stereo. So it literally would slide out and slide back in.

I had one of those. Of course. Yeah. What were we thinking? Who cares? Then you have to carry it. Well, people broke into a lot of fucking cars back then and sold stereos. Oh, I know.

Because I bought a stolen stereo before. All you had to do was take the wires. It wasn't hard. I mean, I installed it myself. You just go back there. You climb underneath it and get in the wires and pull them out and splice them together, duct tape around it. You learned how to do this?

Yeah. From who? Probably school. School? Yeah, yeah. we had auto shop in school and i learned a lot about cars god i wish i could remember his name because he was a really interesting guy he was in love with mustangs and um he actually is the guy that really got me into mustangs and old cars he really like he had a passion for old cars. And he had everybody work on his cars. And he would show you how to fix a quarter panel.

He would show you. It's calm. Yeah, well, it was back in the day when you could do that kind of thing. I don't know what kind of work you could actually do in your car today because cars today are so complex. They're all computers and there's so many, there's navigation systems and there's fucking, you have auto anti-lock breakings

where it's breaking like thousands of times a minute. Back then it was like real clear, like the rotors are down, let's change the rotors. We got this, we need to, you know, this radiator's no good, let's get another radiator. We would this. We need to, you know, this radiator's no good. Let's get another radiator. We would go to a junkyard, get parts. He would do that.

And he would bring them back and we would work on cars. It was like one of our, it was also a thing where just because of human nature, it was an all guys class. Yeah. It wasn't that girls weren't allowed to do it. They'd never signed up for it. You guys are excluding us. No, they could totally go. You're excluding us from the narrative. Yeah, but I wanted to learn it.

My dad was a forklift mechanic, and I would beg him, I want to learn how to fix a forklift. And he's like, no, women don't do this. You don't want to do this. It's disgusting. I'm like, oh, I wish I could. Like, to change the oil on your car? Yeah.

I would like to know how these things work. I think it's fascinating. I used to do all that shit. You could change the oil in your own car? Oh, yeah. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, that's one of the things that I really like about muscle cars. Well, not anymore, honestly.

Because now the muscle cars that I get, they're all what's called a resto mod. So they'll take an old car, but they'll put new brakes in it new suspension new engines they handle better you know new steering components and so they're they're much more safe and much more manageable in terms of like day-to-day use but they look and feel and sound just like an old car which is what i love you're so funny you. You and my husband. My husband loves the vroom-vrooms. I love that he loves the vroom-vrooms because he and I are like the ones, like if I buy something, I send it to him.

Like, look at the car. You guys with your, you get your schmeckles hard looking at pictures of, that's what I say. I'm like, Tom can't get a new wife, but he can get a new car. And he loves, he doesn't scroll like chicks. He scrolls cars. No, he loves cars.

Loves. And the louder, he's like, oh, listen to this. It goes so loud. He's like, put it on this mode when you drive it. I'm like, all right, dude. If it doesn't make my schmackle hard, it's not for me. When I met him, he was like 15 years ago, like 2007-ish, I think it was. And he was broke.

And now he's balling out of control. It's so fun to watch to see him like you know he's like dude i just got the gt3 tour oh my god this is crazy i know let me tell you about my husband though he's so um he's brilliant with business and he's a brilliant comedian and i think you are a combination yes and i i think and like his memory is amazing like we were watching this awful show about john gacy i don't like murder things but he's like babe it's great watch it and i fell asleep and he goes let me catch you up on what happened and his ability to recall facts like and then he dressed up as a clown and then they sat on his lap and i was like who are you like his mind is so able to you can ask tommy hey what was it like uh

2015 we did this thing and goes yeah yeah well you sat here and then like his recall ability it's amazing i don't have that i don't i don't even know what i fucking ate this morning but don't you have mommy brain though a little bit oh i'm fucking done i'm but mommy brain is just a lack of sleep yeah and a lot going on and you have these two humans that you have to take care of more than anything i know that's mommy brain it's they're my priority so i don't i don't have this and he's always like you don't remember i told you that i'm like dude i don't know like i gotta remember that fucking friday is snack day at school and we had a pack you you know, I'm not there. Yeah, I have a good memory instead,

but only on things that I'm interested in. My wife will tell me stuff and I'm like, I don't remember talking about that. She's like, I told you yesterday. I'm like, you must have been boring the shit out of me. I don't remember what the fuck. I have the ability to go into like background mode. I just like.

Me too. You just become static. become static yeah do you can you talk like that with her like could you guys be like i don't fucking know oh yeah you can say yeah yeah yeah oh yeah that's the only way it works yeah same it's the only way it would work she has to know i've talked to her like like i'm talking to you right now it's just gonna be me and her yeah or could you imagine being with someone that you have to censor yourself in front of it's a lot of people it's a lot of people there's a lot of people that live like that i know i'm so thankful i can just say crazy shit to tommy well because of you know they haven't found the right person instead they found a person they've got the person to act like

the right person and that's not good that's not good for anybody that's terrifying no because you're always like trying to meld that person and and Conform that person to your idea of what a person should be and they're always trying to conform to your idea and pretend as Soon as they get away from you. They can't wait to hit the pipe They're smoking crack Like I'm out there wildin. They're wildin bro I heard that crack is not as fun as you think it is. Have you tried it?

I have not tried coke or crack. Yeah, I'm not into stimulants. I'm into downers. I like to get low. I'm afraid I'd like it. Me too. Yeah. But let me tell you, so we knew this guy that smoked a lot of crack, and he's like, yeah,

I go, what do you do when you smoke crack? And he's like, I look through the pee pole. I look through the pee. I'm like, that sounds fucking terrible, bro. Imagine if that's like, I look through the peephole. I look through the peephole. I'm like, that sounds fucking terrible, bro. Imagine if that's like the favorite thing of the day. What's your favorite part of the day?

Peepholes. I was looking through that little fucking distorted fisheye lens of the hallway. See who's walking down my fucking hallway. Amazon.

Oh my God. Yeah, what a nightmare. Yeah. Fuck that, dude. Well, also, there's enough videos online of people like knocking on people's doors and trying to break in that freak you out i know wait but speaking about i mean i don't know

if we should talk about this talk about you may want to edit it out okay but like the whole jada will thing like tom and i were obsessed about that i'm obsessed right like yo she straight humiliates him on that red i i watch red table talk i live for i love it it's bizarre it's like you're not famous enough you need to get you need to like talk about your family stuff i think at this point in her life that is all she's got in in terms of her connection to a lot of attention. She's not in big projects. Was she in The Matrix? She was in The Matrix, right?

Did she have a big role? Oh, yeah. I saw that. Did you see that last one? No. I'm a huge fan of the series. The Matrixes? Yeah.

Love The Matrixes. I didn't see the new one. I heard too many bad things about it, except for Jamie. Jamie liked it. It was okay. But he even admits his own opinion is suspect because he loves The Matrix. He admitted that. I love that about Jamie.

I go, is it good? He goes, yeah, but you know what? I wanted it to be good because I really like The Matrix. Sames. Sames. Sames. But sorry, what were you going to say? Yeah, it's an attention thing, right?

Yes. It's also you used to have a pretty decent career and you really don't anymore. And then you got to fill that lack of engagement with something else. So you do this thing where you start talking about your family or you do a reality show. One of the things that people do, it's like the last gasp of the dying celebrity presence. Dancing with the stars. Yeah, you do one of those. But the reality show is the scary one

because you let people into your family and then you play acting around your wife and your kids and your friend who comes over to play fucking pickleball with you. Trying to make a thing out of a gamble that you have on pickleball. And if you've ever been a part of one of those reality shows,

they did one at the store for a while. Yeah, yeah. Keeping up with the store, minding the store. That's it. Keeping up with the Kardashians. Keeping up with the Stardashians. But they had these scenarios all planned out. That's so terrible.

Like, we're going to go to get something to lunch. We're going to go to get Mexican food, but the wait's too long. We're going to go to here, and then we're going to eventually settle on Chinese. But Pauly's going to say Chinese first, and then it's going to go through all these different things until we eventually decide on Chinese. It's like, what are you doing? But they had to treat it like most of these people that produce these shows, and I've worked on them before, they produce it the same way they would produce fiction. Like, we'd like to have an outcome that we can control.

So what's the outcome the outcome is you go out all this and you guys are going to argue about uh you went to this place and the gas is too expensive but but yeah and i i'm i was on road rules in the 90s back when it was like the ovan back in the day he was yeah he was a season cigar yeah yeah let's get fucking faded bro let's party um i'm just happy to be out of my house let's let's drink but uh you want a cigar i don't do that i don't even know how okay i'll put it in my mouth it's just you like the flavors right yeah do you want some more of this mommy sure thank you i love how everyone's mommy with you i know mommy and jeans okay people don't know that they're like what the fuck is she saying? Well, here's the best

part is that I call waiters mommy jeans. I call everybody mommy. Nobody's pushed back. Nobody. And I've done it for five years. I'll be like, yeah, I'll take the appetizer. Thanks, mommy. Try it. Try it. Nobody pushes back. It's the best game. That's hilarious. Start doing it

with your life. That's hilarious. What was he talking about? You were talking about getting a cigar. Oh, reality shows. Shut up. You're not. Oh, Jesus, Joe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get a puff on that sucker.

What the fuck? How do I do this? Just puff it like a cigarette. There you go. Wait, we need more. You got to get it lit more. I'm scared. No, no, no.

You're fine. A little more. There we go. But I don't inhale it, right? No, no. You just do it with Flavs. Yeah. Just get it in there. Tommy loves these.

Who was it? Tommy and Bert. Oh, I kind of like it. Bert loves it too. Not bad, right? Get it like this. Yeah? Yeah, get a little in your mouth.

How many memes is this going to make right now? Oh, I kind of like it. Not bad, right? Get it like this. Yeah? Yeah, get a little in your mouth. How many memes is this going to make right now? It's going to get you excited. How many memes? A lot. Me sucking on a big brown dick. I do it every day. Just give in.

Sucking on a big brown cock. Just give in. I feel like Joey Diaz. Just give in. Do I hold it like a cigarette? I do. I hold it like that. Fuck.

I guess I hold it like a cigar more than a cigarette. Show me. Like, give it. Do I hold it like a cigarette? I do. I hold it like that. Fuck. I guess I hold it like a cigar more than a cigarette. Show me. Like that? Yeah. Like I'm making a deal. Hey. Over here. The pimentos can have this block.

Yeah. This is the delineation line for the families. Isn't it glamorous to be in the mob? Until they kill your family, yeah. Any kind of crime is great when it's going great. Look at you. I'm doing it. Yeah, all of a sudden, you're a cigar broad.

I can see it. I kind of like it. I like it, too. Oh, yeah, I think I have a lot of, I like stuff guys like, but I'm now embracing my feminine side. But inside, I'm like a nine-year-old boy. I think that's why your mom's house is like fun because it's just farts and stuff. Well, it's chaos too.

Like the live one that I did with you guys. I was like, Jesus Christ. That was the best. When you watch those videos, like it's a brilliant idea, by the way. What you guys did by coming up with this show where and having watched them and be a part of them,

been a part of them, there is not a fucking chance in hell you could do that in any other format. They're so over the top, the videos are so fucked up. Some of the things these people are doing to their own bodies are so fucked up. And you're watching guys eat bowls of shit, actual bowls, digging it with their hands

and eating their own shit like what the fuck man yeah but that's what I love I've always loved the outliers and it it started with Gigi Allen I don't know if you've ever seen a documentary that Todd Phillips did on Gigi Allen I did not see the documentary but I'm aware of him yeah I love freakos I love that whole thing and it just makes me excited it It gives me joy. And I'm so blessed that we have podcasting now that I can do a whole show on that. I don't have to take notes from a fucking executive. I don't have to sell General Electric advertising. They would never

let you guys be what you are. Never. There is not a chance in hell. If you guys had bosses and you were on some sort of a network that controlled what was aired. And then you told them the story about the idea for the pay-per-view shows. We're going to do something that's like literally illegal. There's a guy who's going to staple his balls. There's going to be a nail in his cock. I know. I mean, it's everything awful. There's so many awful videos and it's like watching them with you guys is so much fun. And it's super popular. Like when you guys put those up and Tommy was telling me how many people download them.

I'm like, whoa. And he's like, but yeah, but we have a whole organization. We hired producers. It's like a real production. We put so much money into it. When I went to the live one I did with you guys, I'm like, holy shit. This is so impressive. You should see the new studio.

It cost us like $10 million. It's crazy. Still not done. But it's still fun. And you know what? When I did reality shows in the 90s, after I did Road Rules, I was like, gosh, wouldn't it be great to just make a living being myself? And then I got into acting after and I hated it. I hated going on these auditions and I had to say stupid things.

And then came podcasting and I was like, oh, I get rewarded for being a degenerate. This is great. You're not even just being a degenerate. You're just being fun. Yeah, just having fun because life should be fun. Degenerate is a person who loses all their income to a craps game. You can't help but bet on the horses. I knew a lot of degenerates.

Oh, yeah. You come from a hardcore, like, background, yeah? Like Boston and... Well, I grew up in all over the place. But when I went to high school, I was in this nice area in Boston. I was in a really shit area in Boston when I was 13. We lived in Jamaica Plains. It was very sketchy. But thankfully, my parents realized it was sketchy. They'd come there from Florida, like this neighborhood's dangerous, and they got us out of there. And they moved us

to this place called Newton. And Newton is a nice suburb of Boston. And we lived in the blue collar section of Newton. It's like Newton Upper Falls. We had like the shittiest house in the neighborhood, and we were poor as fuck. But it was a nice place to grow up was nice families is it was good But then I was always involved in either fighting I was either involved in martial arts or stand-up comedy so my from 15 on it was all either martial arts, which is a bunch of psychos or Stand-up comedy, which is a bunch of cycles on drugs which is a bunch of psychos or stand-up comedy which is a bunch of psychos on drugs so it's like i've never had there was never a time where i was like in some normal path to

you know having a white picket fence and living in the suburbs and getting to work every morning same time as everybody else and now having office, no, it was always weirdos. Always around weirdos. I love weirdos. Thank God. And like, I love comedians. Like, I fucking love them. I finally got to go to the comedy store when I was in L.A. last week. And it was like, oh, my God, I'm home. But there's so many things missing now, you know.

Like, Jeff Scott is gone, which broke my heart. I was like, and. It's definitely not the same, but it's still the best. Yes. You know, I loved it. I was back there last month. I did a weekend. I did a Friday and Saturday.

It was awesome. It was really fun. It was really fun. And you know what I love right now? Is that comedians are starting to get bold. We are now starting to be like, fuck you. Like, let's do, we're doing jokes again. And I'm seeing a lot of dudes doing like,

oh, like even this special tonight, just released, Mom Jeans, shameless plug, yes. So the LA Times did an article on it and she was like, whoa, you went hard. And I was like, yeah. And she's like, is there anything that didn't make it? And I was like, yeah, I had to cut And I was like, yeah. And she's like, is there anything that didn't make it? And I was like, yeah. I had to cut stuff out, and it's going in the next hour.

Because I don't, I'm done. Like, I think we're done. With, you know, censorship and that kind of stuff. Well, there's a lot of complaining people that wouldn't have liked you in the first place. No shit. And you can't let them decide what you're going to do and not do on stage. Look at me smoking my cigar, and I agree. Yeah, look at you. You're smoking like you're going to do and not do on stage. Look at me smoking my cigar and I agree. You're smoking like you're a rebel.

Yeah, you fucking bitch. Yeah. Yeah, rebel. There's a lot of people that fall into patterns of thinking and they want to control other people's patterns of thinking as well. Yeah. They fall into patterns of thinking and they'd like you all to align with their pattern of thinking.

And if you don't, then what? Then I'm going gonna force you. Conservative or whether it's liberal and progressive, it's like people, there's a lot of people out there that have good intentions, but then there's also a lot of people out there that just are, there's a predictable pattern of human behavior, and that pattern of human behavior

is they like to tell other people what to do. And part of their fun is getting other people to comply and getting other people in trouble and getting other people in trouble getting other people fired fucking tattletales yeah but there's a whole it's a natural pattern of like weak-minded human behavior from people that are generally not good at things that's what it is the people that are that the people that are doing that the people that are always wanting to tell people what to do or always wanting uh get people in trouble, they're never good at anything. They're just not.

That's what they're good at. But that's what they're good at. Being fucking tattletales. Because that's what they're concentrating on. If they were concentrating on other things, they'd be good at that. True. Like anything, a skill. It's not.

It's just an unhealthy pursuit. If you're always around sick people, you're going to be sick too. True that. You're going to be sick too. True that. You're going to get sick. That's so true. Yeah. Our complainers are losers. You hang out with losers,

you become a loser. It's not even just a complainer. It's a focusing on other people and trying to like chip away at them or crack them down or get them to comply or get them to fall in line or get them to follow orders.

And, you know, there was a lot of that going on during the pandemic. People yelling at people to put a mask on and they're across the street. Like, what are you doing? Bro, that was wild. So, like, I went to San Francisco and there's still people wearing N95s in the street, like walking out in the fresh air.

Like, what are you doing? They're broken. Yeah, it's OK. You're not going to. And also, too, the signs of, stop hate, only love or whatever. And you're like, you're gonna, San Francisco doesn't need this sign. Put this sign in like Shreveport, Louisiana or Birmingham. What is this?

Right. Do you know what I'm saying? This is the city where the most accepting. What is this propaganda? We get it. We're here. It's just virtue signaling. It is.

It's bullshit. I'm over it. Yeah, hold on. I got a smoke that's your first cigar right this is your first legitimate cigar that's the other thing men like real lighter a real lighter a crack torch oh fucking lighter like a goddamn man but you know you can only spend so much time thinking about that instead spend time thinking about what people like and what people like. And what people like is comedy.

100%. They like regular stand-up comedy. They like going for the jokes. Going for it. Getting big laughs. Going for it. You're not going to pretend that everything you say is what you actually fucking mean. That's not what comedy is, stupid.

Yeah, you dummy. Why are you pretending? Yeah, you dummy. This isn't a fucking TED Talk. Exactly. It is a fucking comedy show relax everyone needs to shut the fuck also it's what i like i like watching it my wife said you were fucking hilarious i wish i had gone out that night i was coming back that day i didn't know that i'd be

back in time no but um i did get to see whitney at the paramount too i love her it's she's amazing she's better than i've ever seen her she's on fire good it's really good shit like we were laughing fucking hard oh it was really good it was really loose like she's just so comfortable now you know sometimes comics they hit like a stride like there's something happens to i remember i remember running to sebastian once when sebastian hit his stride i was like damn dude yeah like you just figured something out man whatever you did fucking kudos because you got a stride now it clicks yeah all the pieces come in whitney's always been really good but right now she's in a stride she's got a stair

man it's good stuff too what is she talking about oh i don't want to fuck up her bits but but like pertinent you know issues of the day life you know there's a lot it's good good it's solid writing it's really good shit but it was really funny she's just funny she's having fun good you know like when a comic like catches that wave you know they just start having fun i miss fun oh it's the. Don't you miss fun? Yeah. Well, that was one of the best things about the store is that we would all be having fun with each other. I know.

And then we'd all be laughing in the back of the room and having fun. Well, this, so this hour that's out now, I, I was like, fuck it. I'm having fun.

And I did it in New York city and it was like the height of COVID. And anyway, everybody, it felt sad. The city felt sad. Did the people have to wear masks in the audience yeah it was so good and they all got fucking tested and then they tested me every two minutes before i was like bro it's fine like even if i am positive i'm still gonna shoot this thing this is so much money going into this and people like you think i'm gonna fucking not do this anyway i bought the audience shots before I performed on both shows and

anyway so I bought this outfit shots of booze yeah tequila how many fucking faded bro how many how many boy the audience that was the Gramercy Theatre I bought the entire theater shots for the first like thousands of shots I don't give a shit wait till you see the next part I did. Because everybody was all bummed out on the night before. And I was like, I'm not going to have you guys all bummed out. Why were they bummed out? Because it's two years of repression. And everyone had Omicron.

Everybody was sick or depressed. So I bought them all shots. And then my stylist invoiced Netflix for the outfit that I wore. And they go, we've never spent this much money on an outfit. And I was like, hey, how do you like me now, bitch? So that's a Dolce & Gabbana suit. And then I had crystals put on it. Dude, if I saw that picture, I would not know that's you.

I know. Isn't that great? What did they do? Hair and makeup. I have a team of five Latin gay guys that made me look amazing that's so crazy isn't that fun

like I never see you dress like that no like that picture I can tell it's you right there that I can tell it's you and that one there

where you got the microphone the two hands yeah that I can tell it's you but that other one they picked one where it was like a very odd facial expression

almost didn't look like you that's the beauty of Netflix though right you see yourself and you're like is that even me almost didn't look like you. That's the beauty of Netflix, though, right? You see yourself and you're like, is that even me? They made me look like I was 32 years old. It's like, what are you doing here? I'm 28 here. Yeah, what are you doing here?

I like the ring, that big pink ring. Isn't that fun? Jesus Christ. But I wanted fun and I wanted to be silly and I don't give a shit anymore because we're all going to die and who fucking cares, right? My wife said you had one of the best sets she's ever seen. Oh.

She loved it. I appreciate that. She said it was so funny she came back she was ranting and raving when she came home i'm a huge fan of her but it's um it's it's so nice that you're out here i'm so glad you guys came out here me too it's like when you guys started coming out here and then like when tony came out here and tim dillon came out here, and a few other guys like Derek Poston, I was like, wow, I think we can fucking do something here. And Ron White was here, and Roseanne just did the Vulcan the other night. Tell me about Roseanne. First, she killed, and she goes into the green room immediately.

She goes, I'm fucking moving here. Of course. She went on stage. here of course she went on stage she hadn't been on stage in years since all the

controversy with her show which was years ago she walked on stage and just killed she killed for 10 solid minutes I mean killed

the timing you would never believe she hadn't been on stage you would never believe it she was fucking hilarious she's the greatest and she goes she goes well i had some things i wanted to talk about but i want to fucking do that again and she was all fired up

it was really fun it was really interesting because it was it was interesting to watch all of her um excitement come alive you know and then go on the stage and when she went up there they went ape shit oh i bet ape shit they went ape shit it was wild and then she killed she killed for 10 minutes that's right there i love her so that's her right there she's in my opinion one of the top most important figures in the history of stand-up comedy for sure because she was the first woman who killed like a man. Oh, yeah. She killed like she was aggressive. There was nothing demure and feminine about it. She hit punchlines. She grabbed her own pussy when she sang the Star Spangled Banner.

People don't remember that. Some people think I'm too feminine. Or too whatever. You'll suck my dick. That was her line, yeah. I'm too crass. We'll suck my dick. That was her line, yeah. I'm too crass. We'll suck my dick. God, she's amazing.

She is still like better than ever. I'm telling you, she hadn't done stand-up in forever, and she walked up there like she'd been doing it every weekend. I love her so much. It was wild. It was wild. And then I go, you really should do a tour. Oh, absolutely.

She goes, I fucking should. And I'm like, you should. And so she has family in this area. Yes. And if we could talk her into coming here all the time, that would be amazing. So this is her getting canceled, though. I think this is the time she got canceled. Yeah, she grabbed her pussy and then spit on the ground.

Threw her arms up in the air. She was an animal. I'm telling you, when she came, when she first, look at all the people clapping. Meanwhile, people got mad afterwards. When she first burst on the scene, it was literally like a female Kinison. Yes. Because when Kinison came on the scene, everybody was like, what? This is comedy too?

Holy, look at this guy. This is nuts. When she burst on the scene, it was a similar thing. Like, whoa, that's a woman telling you to suck her dick What the hell she was with that whole crew right that was those are her homies Hicks and Kinison. Oh, I'm sure they were all close. Yeah, they were all in that that the outlaws Well, there was a lot of people in that era that 80s era of comedy. They're just goddamn legends So I don't I don't know uh i grew up with

roseanne's daughter we met yeah that's crazy and it was so cool because i got to watch that family like i think she just had her special come out when i met jenny her daughter and then um i didn't know that people could be fun like that like i would go over their house and they would have like a a fake spaghetti dish that like you, the fork was suspended in the air. And I was like, oh, you can do that? Like you can just have something silly on your coffee table. And they were so fun. And I would just go there and just watch them talk and banter and the whole family so brilliant.

And I was like, oh, this is what life can be like yeah you could have fun yeah yeah well it was cool if you're lucky you know that's your family yeah some people have families where people are just constantly in agony yeah you know yeah but that's a fucking bummer when you have a friend and you go to visit them at the house and people yelling at each other and you gotta like get them out the door come on are yelling at each other and you've got to get them out the door. Come on, let's get out of here. Shit. And your kids.

I remember those feelings when I was a kid of not understanding. First of all, there was no real clear understanding that I was ever going to be an adult. Oh, that's interesting. What does that mean? I never really thought I was an adult. I used to think, I had a bit about this at one point in time. Like, remember when you used to think that there were real grownups? Yeah.

That one day you'd be like, now I'm a grownup. Yeah. And everything makes sense. Yeah. If it doesn't, you just get older. And one day I was at a grocery store and the guy goes, paper or plastic, sir? I'm like, oh my God, I'm a sir? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I realized, like, to him, you know, I think at the time I was in my 20s, I was like, to him, I'm a 28-year-old man, and I'm a man, and he's a kid still. And I'm like, fuck, we're the same thing. Like, no one knows what's going on. Like, everybody is a kid that just got older. And when you're a little kid and you see adults, like, you know, maybe your friend's dad's an alcoholic, and he comes home screaming, and the wife has to lock herself in a closet, you know, like that kind of shit. Like, and you're like, fuck man. Like, is that,

could that be me one day? Like, what if I fell apart? Could I become a raging crackhead and lose everything? Could I become a gambling addict? Like people who they find out that their dad gambled the house away. I know quite a few people like that where their family was like heavy duty gamblers. They lost everything. That's a horrible addiction. That one's, I don't know, man. That's a toughie. That one's wild.

That's a wild one because it's not like horniness because you only get it up so many times in a day. I was just thinking that. I was like sex addiction. Okay, that one's like, that's going to ruin your life. But gambling, that's destruction. What's the worst one? Is it cigarettes? For what? For addiction? For addictions. For addictions destruction what's the worst one is it cigarettes for what for addiction for addictions is cigarettes the worst addiction that's bullshit yeah but when you die

you feel so stupid oh you must you should have known this you've created that i i yeah no okay so hold on let's go through them okay okay sex drugs yeah drugs kill you sex doesn't kill you but it can it can severely distract you from all the other things you want to do and can be just you could turn into a creep basically yeah yeah you know and that and that's that's well they're all very circular but yeah there's always a supply drugs too yeah you know yeah well the sex thing can get you with some amber herd bitches that's right and then and then it's money and i would say with johnny that's a love addiction he wanted his mommy to love him maybe maybe he want maybe when you grow up famous and this is just a theory because i've had a nice trickle into fame meaning that when i was

uh first on tv nobody had any idea who the fuck i was and then i was on news radio nobody knew who i was i could kind of get through like sometimes people would recognize me very rarely and then fear factor was much bigger and then u UFC stuff. And then the podcast is the biggest thing ever. But of all those things, it's been like a slow. Like if I just had the podcast when I was 25, I would have fucked my life up. For sure. 100%. Because it's too much fame.

It's too crazy. So Johnny Depp was more famous than I've ever been when he was 20. And he was hot. Hot as fuck. Like I had a life-size poster of him. 21, would you bang him? You weren't the only one. Did you too?

I didn't, but I'm aware they existed. He never has come in his balls. Like, I don't even think now. Just gets rid of it all the time. Dude, he's never been backed up. And he's probably never had to masturbate. Like, someone's always there. Can you imagine how much he was getting laid back then?

Probably preposterous amounts. Like I would bet. Look at him. Oh my fucking God. Basically a perfect man. That's the poster I had for 21 Jump Street. He's basically perfect. Dude, he is perfect.

That's a perfect face. Yeah. So if you're like that when you're, I mean, how old was he then? 20? Dude, he's 20 years old. Okay. So what are the chances that that guy has like personal sovereignty, a rigid foundation and understanding like who he is and how he fits into the world?

Zero point fucking zero at that age? He's too in constant in this world of love, Johnny and fame and directors and producers and everywhere he goes, everybody loves him. And it's not that he's not a good guy I'm sure he's a great guy It's just that that life being that famous for that long from the time you're 20 is almost unmanageable like you need a certain amount of like Balancing acts in your life to try to like mitigate the effects of fame Yeah, and I don't think it ever happens

when you're young there's no way you're right because the lack of identity you have to i agree the slow and gradual is the way and tom always says that he's like you don't want to get overnight you don't want it you want to be slow and steady tell me smart as fuck he is so smart he's very smart he's very handsome and i love his beard and I love his beard. I love how he smells. Yeah, you don't want to go like a rocket ship because that's how you get fucked. No, it's too unmanageable. It's too unmanageable. Where we are, I am, I notice the difference. People treat you differently now.

You got leaps. You hit some new leaps. Yeah. What's cool about you guys is it's all internet. It's all internet. You guys are internet famous. You became famous, legitimately successful from a show you created yourself with no input from anyone whatsoever all on the internet.

I've been through all the iterations. When you guys had that garage set up you know all of that it's like you guys have been doing it and just on that steady grind and all by yourself no one would let you do you're doing nobody no one would they would they would go after episodes that thing you were saying about felching like listen we don't need that we can you say it's just too much it's just too much. It's just too much. And, you know, MeUndies might have a problem with it. Yeah. MeUndies doesn't have a problem with anything.

That's a bad example. Yeah, because we did try to do a show, a network show during the pandemic, an animated show. And you just can't. The notes. They suck everything right out of it. Well, that's their job, though. Their job is to protect themselves. They're going to put something on. They want it to be creative, but not so creative that it possibly could get them fired and they're going to fuck up their mortgage.

It's the buttered noodles thing. I don't know. Someone told me in radio one time buttered noodles is why everything sucks so bad meaning everybody will eat buttered noodles nobody really loves butter noodles maybe one or two guys out there but yeah my son loves butter but everybody will eat it it's okay and you can sell ads on it and and that's the model is butter and that's why entertainment is sucked so fucking bad. Who the fuck is watching TV anymore?

I mean, are you watching? No. I don't know. I don't watch regular TV at all. No, you're streaming stuff, right? I don't know who's watching regular TV. But if regular TV put on a good show, I'd watch it. No shit.

If there was one thing that I found out about on regular TV. It's not like it's impossible. No, there's some have a they're gonna have to come to a recognition they're gonna have to have a come to jesus moment where they're gonna realize like your mom's house is out there showing dudes getting their asshole stitched shut and you fucking you fucking pussies are afraid to say shit on TV. Like, this is nonsense. It's so weird. What I was going to say, too, is what I love about podcast fans versus, because I've done some television stuff. I used to be on the E! Channel a lot.

I did Chelsea Lately and those talking head shows. That fan is a casual fan. They're like, oh, I saw you. I love you on this thing. But the podcast fan is like, yo, the other day when you said you took a shit and it was like the bottom of a pudding cup, bro, I had that shit too. And you're like, yeah, dog. Like they know you.

Ridiculous example. That's our show. That's a show. It is. But it's like it's the delivery guy. I mean, I was in like a pharmacy getting drugs like for my sinus infection and some guy's stalking, you know, the sodas. And he's like, mommy.

And I'm like, yeah, dude, what's up? The soda stalker knows you? Yeah. Like, but that's so real. It's so grassroots like that. Yeah. Like where it's, you don't know. And like, but I've had like brain surgeons listening to the show and just every ilk

of life, truck driver, everybody. And you're like, you like me? Bro, we're dopes. Segura and I were walking down the street, Segura, me and your husband. Not that you're not Segura, too. We were walking down the street in Nashville and some dude pulls over in his car and he goes, Rogan, what's up, jeans? And Tommy points out of it. It's like, but when he said Rogan, then he goes, what's up, jeans?

He called him jeans. It's like those little sort of inside things on your show, calling everybody mommy and jeans. It's so fun. It's hilarious. But someone in the wild calling him jeans was really fun. In the wild. Yeah, it was fucking fun. That's all I wanted was to be silly and have fun in life.

And that's all I wanted money for was to create silliness and to create fun and to spend too much money on an outfit that the Netflix executives would be upset about. And then I wanted a Frankie Goes to Hollywood song, Relax is on there. And they're like, no, bitch, we're not paying for that. Oh, boy. They wouldn't pay for Relax? Well, they paid for a lot of other stuff how much does relax cost do you really want to know how much i paid so i was like fuck you i'm gonna buy it because i love this song it's about gay guys butt fucking did you know that yeah but i didn't know that growing up i was just dancing to it in the clubs when you want to come yeah you didn't know that you didn't

know that i knew that i didn't know that i was a kid my that? I knew that. I didn't know that. I was a kid. My dad would take me to bars with him and I would dance. To that song? Yeah. Anyway, I paid $60,000 to license relax. I think it's worth it. Yeah, I agree. 100%. Yeah.

And like showbiz is such bullshit. Did you know that you have to buy your Hollywood star, your Walk of Fame star? Yes. Did you know you buy that? Yeah, you buy that. Yeah. It's so stupid. It's 40 grand.

You buy it and then they have a little celebration and no one gives a shit and then they write a story about how much you suck. You can keep that. I'd rather give that to a foster care home. Seriously. Yeah. It's like that's a weird one, that Hollywood Walk of Fame, because you walk down the walk and there's people that no one knows.

Oh, my gosh. I know. You're like, huh? Someone who just paid for that Walk of Fame. But it used to be a thing. It used to be, Burt Reynolds. Fuck. That's Burt Reynolds, man.

That's Burt Reynolds' star. But it's weird. It's like, what a trick. Someone just writes Burt Reynolds on the ground. And you're like, yeah. Look. he's fucking famous clint eastwood right that's his fucking star right here like that has nothing to do with him he's nowhere near there it's just his name written on the ground rodney dangerfield i love rodney i love rodney well that's the thing i'm realizing is that it's like it's just i mean i'm over time with fame and da-da-da, you're like, oh, it's all smoke and mirrors.

This is bullshit. It's all fucking, and the more you can just stick to what you enjoy doing, it's going to keep you grounded and have a family and enjoy normal things. You know what I just thought of? You know how they do the walk of fame and they have the stars? Yeah. And in the store, they have the names on the wall. I think at the mothership I'm going to have stars. I'll put people's name on a star like when they're paid regulars.

That's a great idea. And I'll have like a wall of stars. That's a great idea. I'm going to steal the Hollywood Walk of Fame shitty idea and steal it from my club. I think you should. Yes. I think you should. And never take them down because i hate when clubs

take down old people and then replace why do you hate that because i like the history i love going to like nashville um what's that club in nashville zany's oh yeah and seeing like ancient headshots yeah i love them man being like look at fucking ron white or before larry the cable guy was larry the cable guy what was his real name? Dan Whitney. Yeah, you're like, there's fucking, oh my God. Yeah. I like the old ones, the Gs. Because you're like, that guy struggled.

And that's before the internet. So like, you wanted to get booked. Okay, you got to send a tape, a fucking VHS to the booker. Call that fool. Have them fax you some shit over. I mean, it was so much harder for them. You had to get on The Tonight Show. Right.

That's what the big one was back then. Well, who's The Tonight Show now? Cheers. That's what's up, bitch. Joe Rogan, podcast by day, all night, all day. Train by day. I don't know how that happened. I literally don't know how that happened.

Can you believe that, bro? No. You're bigger than Johnny. I don't believe anything. It doesn't make any sense to me. It doesn't make sense, right? No, I just keep doing what I'm doing, though. But whatever it is, I can do it.

This level of chaos that I think is, for a lot of people, it's crippling. For me, I find it a nice exercise. For a lot of people, it's crippling. It is. That amount of scrutiny about your thoughts and your words and your actions, it's crippling but for me it's like that amount of scrutiny about your your thoughts and your words and your actions it's like it's crippling for some people it's like you but i i overanalyze myself so hardcore that i'm like yeah you know and yeah other people are doing it too go ahead get in there go look around yeah i'm fucking crazy you you do overanalyze yourself. Oh, yeah, but I don't think I think overanalyze myself But I'm I am a very harsh critic. Yeah of myself of

Everything I do like I'm not like one of those guys is like super happy with anything I do yeah, I think that's like maybe one of the big keys to my success is this I'll celebrate Things and people and fun, but I very rarely celebrate myself. I don't like birthday parties, I'm not interested. I don't have premieres when I launch a special. Get the fuck out of here. It's on TV now. Go, bye, see ya.

Don't wanna talk about it. Yeah, and what's the next thing? Yeah, what's the next thing? I'm already on the next thing. Same, I'm already writing the next hour, let's go. Yeah, if I tape that night, if I tape a special that night, you know what I do? One of the things that I do?

What? I write down the bits that I didn't do in the special that I need to start getting better to prepare for the next special. I love it. Because I go, okay, here's what we got. Now, these are the weapons that we have left in the cache. Yep. You know?

Well, that's because you're a perfectionist, and that's why you're good. You know, Letterman, I loved, I was obsessed with David Letterman and I read a bio about him when I was 17 and it said that every time they were done taping, he would go watch the tape and then flog himself. He hated himself. Hated himself. Yeah. Hated what he did.

Why did I say it like that? Why did I do this? And he was beloved. Beloved. But that's why it was so good because it was a guy that was acutely aware of your attention span and wanted to do the very best at every chance. And then was always analyzing whether or not he lived up to his

own expectations. Too many people are fucking happy with themselves. That's why all this body positivity shit and... Fuck you! I fucking hate fat models. I hate them. I hate fat models. I hate them. Listen hate fat models. I hate them. Listen, you can tell me that fucking men have periods and it's not breastfeeding.

It's chest feeding. But don't you take away my supermodels. Don't you take away Naomi Campbell and Linda Evangelista. You know what I'm saying? Like, I don't want to be represented. I don't need to be. Fuck your represent. I want to see something better than me.

That's why I like skinny, beautiful models. If I wanted to see fucking hangy dog tits, I would go put a fucking mirror in my shower. I don't want to see hangy dog tits. Skinny models to me might as well be dudes. What are you talking about? I think they look beautiful. They have gorgeous faces. I love that.

I'm not interested in that at all. You like fat models? I like girls with meat on them. I don't like them fat. I like them a little thick. A little thick. A little thick. I like a gal who can do some deadlifts.

That's what I like. Is that what they call slim thick? Maybe. I don't know. I don't hang out with they. But I like women that look strong. I like women that look fit. Fitness, you like, yeah.

I don't like scrawny. You don't like the heroin. That looks to me like, are you awake? Are you okay, do you need a nap? That's not healthy. Can you bleep, yeah. It's just like the same way I'd look at a man who's built like that.

Like what are you doing with your physical body? Like what are you doing with your vessel? You look like you struggle to pick up a pack of cigarettes. I don't like that in men. I think it's gross. I don't like it in women either. I like it. I love cigarettes.

Do you? I'm like, oh, God. Well, designers like it because those women are essentially hangers. Oh, yeah. It's cheaper because you have to buy less. Do you know that that's why they originally became super skinny? It was because a size zero takes less fabric to make a dress. Really?

Really? Valentino or these – that's what I heard in some documentary I saw. I don't know if it's true. But, yeah, it's cheaper to build a size zero dress or whatever than – I would way rather have a woman that's 10 pounds overweight than 10 pounds underweight. Wow. Way rather. See, I think skinny looks so much better.

Like, I love it. Like Kate Moss. Well, you don I think skinny looks so much better. Like, I love it. Like Kate Moss. Well, you don't want someone that's unhealthy. If they're unhealthy in a skinny way or unhealthy in an overweight way, that's what the problem with celebrating that is. You don't celebrate fat men. Where's the fucking Burt Kreischer underwear catalog? That's what I was saying.

Yeah. So let's talk about this. It's interesting because there's like this movement to accept to celebrate fatness for women not for dudes why is this because men are fat fucks when they're fat nobody wants to fuck them no they're fat they're fat you're a fat fuck you got a big gut no one's like body positivity good for you literally no one will say you body shamed a man if they do people like get the fuck out of here like it's you know i mean obviously you shouldn't bully people but if you are a fat guy with a giant gut and you're wearing underwear and trying to say

accept me for who i am i'm beautiful people kind of like no it's not how it works stupid but but why do we feel like that's okay to not allow men? Because women are more sensitive. Because it hurts us. We don't want to hurt their feelings. You got your little baby feelings. I won't want to hurt your feelings, so I will lie. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I will lie to you because I want you to become my friends. Her little baby feelings. Yeah, maybe. Is that what it is? That's 100% what it is. Because we can't take the shaming. It's being kind. It's being kind, but it's taken to a place where you're actually aggressive about being kind.

So you're actually putting out more shitty energy than you're removing because it doesn't work. No. So because by yelling at people about body positivity, it doesn't change the way people feel about people that are overweight. No. People that are overweight are repulsive because they're not healthy. It's a natural biological attraction mechanism that makes you attracted to people that are going to be able to sustain children. Of course. And have a life and survive hardship.

Yes. Someone who looks durable. It's not healthy. People that are not durable. It's not healthy to be overweight. And you cannot tell me, get the fuck out of here. Oh, that's fine. They can be overweight.

It's absolutely not true. It's not true. And I think, too, it's rooted in pity, which is why I don't like participation awards. I think that it's rooted in pity. Have you ever gotten a participation award? No. I was born in 1967. They didn't have them back then.

Well, I got one in like 86 and my mother framed it and put it she didn't know she you know she's a foreigner uh but i fucking hated it because it was a mark of shame it was like fuck you i know what that is right you know what i'm saying like you want to participate in something participate in winning you fucking loser like to me it just made me like, ugh. Yeah. I don't. I've got a stack of these medals from my Taekwondo days.

Yeah. And to this day, I look at the bronze and the silver ones, I'm like, ugh. Ugh. I don't like them. Yeah, they upset you. They make you sad. Like, you fucking loser.

Yeah. I was like 18. I'm looking at this thing, I'm like, you fucking loser. It's like, it's such an achievement to even win that in taekwondo. It's a big deal. Nope. Not to me. But not to you.

Same. We're self-loathing. But that's like participation trophies are worse than that. It's like you did it. You got out there. Here's a useless fucking plaque. And then did you know that Victoria's Secret hired their first Down Syndrome model? Down to fuck.

Am I right? She's actually very pretty. Yeah. She actually is pretty. Which is crazy. Here's the question. Yeah. What would people think if a normal chromosomes man decided to start having relations with her.

Would people accept that? No. Is that legal? That's what I was wondering. Is it legal? This is my problem with the model, the Down syndrome model. It's not that, whatever. She is pretty.

She looks great. She's got a better body than me. She's a phenomenal body, right? She's fucking banging. It's that issue of the capacity to make such a decision because you know those girls are objectified they're sexualized you're right a hundred percent you're you're sexualizing someone who you're not even allowed to have sex with it's almost like sexualizing a child it is in that like you if you're a man so you're an accountant bob the accountant normal

35 year old single man and he meets this down syndrome Victoria's Secrets model and you hang out with her and you're like dude she's surprisingly cool and we just fuck like wild animals people would go what are you talking about Bob you you are not having sex with a down syndrome woman like so she wants it's what I want she's a model bra I don't see the problem. All her fucking pictures are her in her underwear. She looks good.

Show me the photos of the woman in the Down syndrome. She looks like she has a boyfriend. Oh. Does she have a Down syndrome boyfriend? Yeah, I think you have to. You have to. But that's what I'm saying. You have to because it's not fair.

Okay, good. Okay, good. That's equal. Oh, they're both beautiful. Yeah. That's good. Let me see what she looks like, though. No, she's pretty.

She's very pretty. Like, very pretty. Yeah. But there's the thing. Like, if a regular man had a relationship with her, it would be really creepy. Which is why I have issue with the Forrest Gump film. Right. But it's a guy.

It's a guy. It's okay. It's okay to- Yeah, a girl could have a Down syndrome guy boyfriend. If you have a Down syndrome guy boyfriend, what if you have a giant Icelandic Down syndrome man as your boyfriend? He's basically a giant white gorilla that just lays pipe to you all day. It would be ideal.

Because they're horny all the time bobby kelly i know you know bobby kelly yes bobby kelly and i did gigs together back when he was a counselor for um for down syndrome kids so he would work in this house with down syndrome people so like where he lived he lived in this house with people and bobby told me they're always trying to fuck. Yo, I know. I've heard this before. They just want to fuck all the time, which is normal.

They have normal balls and normal testosterone production. And that's what the average man is. But they don't seem to think there's anything wrong with wanting to fuck all the time. They fuck hard, bro. Yeah, I know. I've heard this. No, I had a friend that worked... Is there Down Syndrome porn, and is that

going to be on the next Your Mom's House? Thank you. That's the next... Oh, don't say oh no. Do we really need that? Oh yes. You mean oh yes, right? Do we need that tab on Pornhub? I'll let them find it. Listen, they're not making it. They're just journalists. They're just... We're out there reporting from the field.

Apparently, there's some Down syndrome porn. Now, should you have to be Down syndrome to get it? And could you take a test and just pretend you're dumb? And will they let you? Well, it doesn't seem like you have Down syndrome, but you're pretty fucking stupid. So go ahead and jerk off to this. Well, that's what this is. It's permission to masturbate to the mentally challenged.

Right. Are you allowed to masturbate to that Victoria's Secret's catalog because the Down syndrome lady's on it? That's the real issue. And the answer is yes. And Victoria's Secret wants you to masturbate to the Down syndrome girl. Talk about inclusivity. Finally. I found it.

You found it. Down syndrome porn? Is there a website? A whole website? I don't know because I've never heard of this site. Are we going to have to edit this out? No. Maybe just look, don't say it.

It explains why she falls for the pizza delivery guy thing. Jesus Christ. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus Christ. Just the heading. Oh, it's heavy. This is where we get a lot of our clips for Your Mom's House Live, this website. Oh, you're not going to show it?

No, no. I've never even heard of it. Can I see the Downs porn? Well, this one wasn't. Keep it on her face. Keep the camera on her face and just show the Downs porn. Oh, no. So who's Downs here, though?

I can't. That guy. Oh, so it's a regular woman and a Downs lady? Yeah, it says he saved up money, though. See, it's always the guy. Oh, boy. It's always the guy that. Poor fella. Oh, no he saved up money, though. See, it's always the guy. Oh, boy. It's always the guy that... Poor fella.

Oh, no. I don't like that. Oh, he's really... So he's trying to jack himself off. She looks super pumped with her life choices. Yeah, I don't like this. This isn't as fun as I thought it would be. Look at how he's jerking off, too.

I don't want to watch it either. Yeah, he's deformed. It's more than that. Yeah. He has... He got the full Monty. Yeah, he's not like the model kind. No.

No, not at all. The model thing is weird because male models have to have six packs and they have to look like Johnny Depp. They have to be chiseled. Beautiful. But female models, there's a new category. I don't have any problem with it. As long as we're not pretending that there's something as long as they're not

they're not saying there's something wrong with being the other kind of model because out of all the two both of them are unhealthy it's unhealthy to starve yourself this is it's unhealthy to be obese good argument both of them are unhealthy yes i like both of them are unrealistic and unreasonable and both of them are not what men want for the most part. You know what men want? Curves. Whoever the fuck is there. No, we like curves.

Yeah, but truly, I've never had a man. I had one boyfriend in the past who was like, you gain weight. And I was like, go fuck your mother. You're out of here. One guy. He was also the dirtbag who didn't call me for four days and then rearranged his room on crystal meth. Oh, meth heads.

So there you go. But yeah, most men are very forgiving of women's bodies, I've found. In real life, at least the dudes I've been with for the most part, extremely forgiving. I think the natural inclination is that men like women with a little softness to them, little curves to them. To be chicks. They like curves. Yeah.

But the stick thing is like, you're not eating, you're smoking cigarettes, you're doing Adderall. You're not normal. That's not healthy. It's not eating, you're smoking cigarettes, you're doing Adderall. You're not normal. That's not healthy. It's not healthy, but it does. Unless you just have some crazy metabolism or you're super athletic and this is just like what you look like. Yeah. But athletic girls look more stout. They're like CrossFit girls.

They develop thighs and calf muscles. You like that and that's your jam. I like them healthy. Yeah. Heart meaty. I like a girl who can help me carry a couch. Yeah. You know, and you don't want a man that's going to have a fucking heart attack.

No, that's a thing. You see a guy that's that fat, and you know they have sleep apnea, and they're just lying there with their big purple face, choking on their own tongue. Choking on their own tongue. I can't believe. Could you fucking imagine what Burt snores like? I was going to take it there, and then I was like, should we fat shame Burt?

It's not going to work. It hasn't worked. He gets so much love from being fat. When he takes his shirt off, it's probably the biggest pop in all of comedy. I know, I know. When he goes out there and says like this to everybody, and then he takes his shirt off and it's probably the biggest pop in all of comedy. I know, I know. When he goes out there and says like this to everybody, and then he takes his shirt off and puts his baseball hat back on, they go, yeah!

Shane Gillis told me it's the loudest pop he's ever heard in his life. Yeah. Yeah, I believe it. Well, it's fun. It's a good time. I don't want to, yeah. Yeah. Here's the good news.

Netflix let me fat Shane Burt in my special. Oh, you fat shame Burt in your special? They didn't flag it. You're allowed to. Look, he's pregnant. They flagged everything else. Yeah. He's pregnant.

Oh, stop. Look at him. I don't want... He's doing great, though, but here's the thing. That pregnant guy is out there fucking killing it. He's selling out everywhere he goes. That pregnant guy. Have you seen the pregnant guy on Instagram?

Okay. Are we allowed to talk about that? Yeah, you're allowed to talk about that in this show. Yeah, there's pregnant men. Isn't that like the cover of some magazine? It had a pregnant man. I don't know. Can we find that, Jamie?

Yeah, there was something for the first time. A pregnant man is on the cover of a certain magazine. I follow one on Instagram. I'm obsessed with this. I'm endlessly intrigued by this whole gender non-binary stuff. Yeah, what do you think? Truly, it's not pretty. Oh, I know that guy.

No, no, there's a cover of a magazine. It said something for the first time. I think I might have saved it because I'm twisted. Let me find it here. I don't know I think it's like.00001 of the population right it's a small percentage of the population that is a pregnant man

but they have their own emoji on my iPhone now but just like did you guys fucking rally for this how easily did Apple give in to your demands? Yeah, I think what, I mean, I'm a pragmatist. I believe that if like the majority of people, of humans are doing stuff, the utility would be to build society around what the majority are doing.

So I think this way of thinking, we're like, well, no, but there's like two people that have this. So let's completely rearrange. I don't know. Is it working? And then to, to like bully you into conformity. And if you don't, then you're hateful. I'm like, I'm not so sure that's accurate. a rabid sort of fever pitch of compliance. They want everyone to comply or you're a monster or you're a piece of shit or you're transphobic. That to me, if I was removed from my own emotions and my own culture and I said, what is happening here? Well, there's some sort of a process

of getting people to stop being primates and stop being sexual and stop thinking about like normal sort of biological gender representation like x and y chromosome equals male x x equals female and then it seems like if i looked at something what's happening, I'd go, there's some sort of a declining urgency of sexual orientation and even the ability to biologically reproduce by sex. Like, I think they're setting us up. I think the universe is setting us up to become some new thing. Some sort of genderless...

Cyborgs. Yeah. Elon Musk. He knows. it's it's just what technology is doing and it seems like what what's happening with people in our um ever more hungry desire for technology is we're doing a lot of things that seem to be diminishing our uh our sex. There's things called phthalates. There's this woman who did this book, Dr. Shanna Swan.

She did this book called Countdown. And she's an environmental epidemiologist. Oh, I saw this lady. She was on your show. Yes, yes. She deals with the effects of the environment on people's reproductive systems and people's hormonal systems. And one of the things that she found was that phthalates, which come from plastics and a bunch of other pesticides in particular,

a bunch of different things, chemicals from petrochemicals that have gotten into our bodies, have diminished our penis sizes, diminished our sperm counts, diminished our, like sperm counts are down like 50% since the 1950s. What? Yeah, penis sizes are shrinking. Taints are shrinking. So one of the best ways in mammals to tell the difference between a male and a female is the taint size.

Taints in males are 50% to 100% larger than the females. And when mammals are exposed to phthalates, when the mother has the baby in the womb, the phthalates cause the taint to shrink. And they keep shrinking and shrinking. So they keep shrinking over time. So we're becoming genderless, strange sort of things biologically, but we're not recognizing it. Because they didn't even know that this, I think Dr. Shanna Swanan said was 2015 when they first realized what was happening with phthalates and that phthalates were having this impact on the reproductive systems that while women were

Pregnant their exposure and the amount of phthalates they had in their blood was directly represented by the decreasing of the testosterone in the males shrinking of the penis, shrinking of the testicles, and also big uptick in miscarriages for the females. So less viable, less sexual, less viable, less hormonal. We're turning into seahorses. We're turning into aliens. Yeah, I believe it. I really think that's what it is. You know, we were talking last night.

We were talking about these Russian wrestlers. This Tony was making fun of me that I have a hairy back. You too? I don't think I've seen it. Want to see it? I'll show you. Sure, let's see it. Anyway, afterwards.

Yeah. But I go, dude, that's not even hairy. Have you ever seen them Russian wrestlers? They look like male stage three. Google Russian wrestlers. Right before they hit stage five, which is like a human. They hit like stage three. Oh, right, stage five, which is like a human. They hit stage three. Oh, right, the chart.

Yeah, the evolutionary chart. There's a lot of Russian men that have fucking hairy shoulders. Like all over their shoulders, all over their arms. They basically look like fucking werewolves. Holy shit, dude. No lie. Yeah, that's a famous guy. That's George the Animal Steel. But yeah, he was completely hairy everywhere. Look at that Russian guy. Yo, that's a famous guy. That's George the Animal Steel.

But yeah, he was completely hairy everywhere. Look at that Russian guy. Look at the shoulders. Look at those shoulders. That's insane. Ain't no phthalates in their diet. Is that what you're saying? Look at the fucking hair on that guy.

I mean, you can't tell me that that guy is not like, if there's a, let's say it's not like a five stage evolutionary trail. It's a thousand stages. That guy's several hundred stages before most people. He's a gorilla. He's a gorilla. He's probably strong as fuck. Look at him in that headlock in the far right corner.

Click on that. That's high-ass testosterone. You do not want that guy squeezing your neck. Look at him. Look at those shoulders. Look at that guy. No, bro. Look at him. Yeah, those shoulders. Look at that back. No, bro. Look at him.

Yeah, there's certain hairy humans that remind you of our past. They're a little window into savages of the past. I love this. My husband's very hairy, too, and I enjoy it. He was the first hairy guy I was ever with. I was always with these- Twinks? Well, no, with men that wore makeup and velvet skirts. What? was the first hairy guy hairy guy i was ever with i was always with these um twinks well no with um

men that wore makeup and uh velvet skirts they're goth back i think now they're called trans but back then they were just goth and uh yeah they're very beta and i just fell in love with tommy for being alpha but i was gonna bring up have you seen the new new The Batman? Yes. How do you feel? I loved it. You did? You hated it? I hated it. Tell me why.

Okay. First of all, he's total limp dick. He doesn't even bang fucking Zoe Kravitz at the end, who's like the hot ass. He kissed her at least. Did they French? Did he French her? I mean, it was like a real kiss. Very chaste.

So here's what I think. He's got no dick and balls. He's a reluctant. You really think he has no dick and balls? No dick and balls because he's a reluctant hero. And nothing aggravates me more. Here's who Batman is. He's fucking Bruce Wayne.

He's a multimillionaire. He enjoys being Batman. He enjoys his cars. He enjoys being the powerful hero. He puts on the suit. I'm Batman. He enjoys his cars. He enjoys being the powerful hero. He puts on the suit, I'm Batman. Remember fucking Vicky Vale and the guy, who's the

Beetlejuice when Beetlejuice was Batman? Yeah, Michael Keaton. Michael Keaton crushed it and he crushed puss and he was a virile male. This Batman is like, I've got fucking feelings. His hair is in his eye. And like, what are you doing? Wipe your pussy and go be a hero.

Same with Spider-Man. Did you see that horse shit? You didn't like Spider-Man either? They're all fucking crying the whole time. Why are they crying? There's multiverse. There's multiple Spider-Mans. And they're all fucking having their periods at the same time.

I don't want to see it. Show me men. I want my heroes. You like the Hulk. I love the Hulk. Because that's the dichotomy of human nature. That's Jekyll and Hyde. It's a very traditional story.

I love the Hulk. His big green Hulk cock. I love him. Look at him. Now, this is my... Michael Keaton. I liked him. Oh, you know who I loved?

The Christian Bale. Christian Bale was the best Batman. That was the best one. He was Keaton. I liked him. Oh, you know who I loved? The Christian Bale. Christian Bale was the best Batman. That was the best one. He was pretty good. I liked Robert Pattinson as Batman. So tell me- I thought it was good. I loved Robert Pattinson as the vampire.

He was great in that too. I loved him. It's suspension of disbelief. You know, like you have this- You're watching a goofy ass movie about a weird fake world, you know, where a guy can like fucking shoot a grappling hook to the top of a building and it pulls him up. You know, it's like you have,

there's a lot that you just like take for granted as nonsense. Yeah. The thing about Batman has always been that Batman was just a rich guy that, that had access to all this money so he could buy all this shit and, and do these things, you know, which works in a comic book. It really works in a comic Which works in a comic book. It really works in a comic book.

Because in a comic book, you kind of got free license for him to create a fucking nuclear reactor that he could put on a jet ski. You know what I mean? Batman has all the money. He can do whatever he wants. But in movies, you're like,

why is he kicking everybody's ass? How come nobody gets him? How come three guys don't gang up on him, take him down, stab him? And they're shooting rounds and rounds at him. No one in fucking Gotham can shoot a gun. He's bulletproof. You just don't shoot him in the chin.

Oh, shit, that's right. Question. So Batman could have been Iron Man, but he chose not to be? Because that's all Iron Man is. That's a very good point. That's a good point. Very good point. I don't think Batman is quite as smart as Iron Man.

He doesn't have the heart thing, which keeps it a big thing, but the money. Yeah, but Iron Man is smarter. Tony Stark is like a legit super genius. Batman's just rich. He doesn't have the heart thing, which keeps it a big thing, but the money. Iron Man is smarter. Tony Stark is like a legit, like super genius. Batman's just rich. He hired people to make it, I guess. Yeah, Tony Stark is a guy

who became rich. What do you want? I want water. Oh, that's water in there. Tony Stark is a guy who became rich because he was brilliant. I like that.

The Batman guy, he's just rich. Yeah, inherited. Yeah, he got it from his parents. Bruce Wayne is not like a brilliant, he's not a super genius. That's a good point. But here's the deal. So I also I have a very hard time feeling

bad for rich characters. Like, oh, I'm an orphan. Who cares? We all are. Okay? A lot of us had shitty parents. So you've got millions of dollars. Go have fun. Go have fun. Right. Go have fun with this Batman.

I found him to be very just fey and like, I don't want to fight. But no one was having fun in the whole movie. The whole movie was my mom died. Everyone's dead. Coke's everywhere. That's what I'm saying. But the whole movie was dark. Yeah, it's a fucking bummer, man.

I don't want to be bummed out. I want fun. Show me some life. Who's your favorite um like superhero character in films that's such a good fucking question i don't like superman because he's too american pie i like a little darkness my favorite's blade go ahead blake can you bring up blade i'm not even sure i've seen this yeah yeah he's dope he killed vampires i like vampires i seen this. Yeah, yeah, he's dope. He killed vampires.

I like vampires. I'm 100% on his side. Okay. Plus, he's a day walker. He's part vampire. How does this work? So how does this work? His mother was bit while he was in the womb.

So he can walk during the day? Yes, he can walk during the day, but he's got vampire powers. But they have to keep giving him injections of blood. Oh, I like that. Because he wants to kill people and eat them. But he doesn't because he's a good guy. And he knows karate. Dude, I can see all of this lining up for you. Yeah, it's my 100% favorite of all those things.

I like that, dude. Yeah. Wesley Snipes was fucking badass as Blade, too. It was perfect because I was a fan of Blade, the comic book, where he had teak weapons. He used a really hard wood because vampires, you you got to put a stake through their heart. Yeah. So he had teak stakes that he carried with him. And he would stab these teak knives.

I thought teak was bullshit wood. New blade coming. Yeah, there's a new blade coming. Ooh. Hey, there's a new Top Gun coming out. I'm so excited for that. A new Top Gun with Tom Cruise. Yeah.

Yeah, Rick. He still looks good. What is he doing? I want to talk to his guy. Who the fuck? What is he doing. What is he doing? I want to talk to his guy. Who the fuck? What is he doing? What is he doing? He's 80,000 years old.

He looks great. I think they do Botox and filler. A lot more than that. He was a man when I was a boy, and he still looks great. Still got a nice full head of dark hair. This is wild. Can we bring, can we look at him? Yeah, it's beautiful.

We need to look at him. And Brad Pitt. What is he, 58? How the fuck does he look so good? How old is he? 59. He turned 60 July 3rd. Turned 60 in a month or two.

Now. Look at him. He's stunning. Pretty goddamn good looking. It's got to be like surgery. And he's also doing his own fucking stunts. Yeah, I know. We broke his ankle to smithereens where he jumped from building to building.

You didn't see that? No. But I know he does. Yeah, I do. Let's see it. You want to watch his ankle break? Yep. But I know that he does his own stunts, which is nutty.

Why? Why are you 16? He does motorcycle stunts. He does everything. He learned how to fly a helicopter so he could do helicopter stunts. I'm not kidding. That's crazy. He did.

He's a fucking animal. I know. He's loony as fuck. All right? He's crazy as cat shit But that guy what's going on? Let's talk about him. Look at this. Oh, yeah, this motherfucker. Oh, yeah I have seen this fuck So he barely made it there and he landed with his ankle

Oh, oh and slammed his body into it and destroyed his ankle Apparently just cracked the shit out of his ankle on impact. I guess he probably wanted to make it all the way to the other side, but didn't quite get there. Look at that. Ooh. Yeah, that's a destroyed ankle, son. That's gone, homie. That's a destroyed ankle.

That's so much force, too, to go that far. He didn't need to do that. He didn't need to do that. But look, he fucking powered through like a savage. And then he did the rest of the scene, yeah. Even with his fucked up ankle, he ran off. You know how hard that is to do? Animal. He's the best. He's the best at those kind of movies.

And he was really good as the vampire. Lestat, he was a way better vampire. Now you're talking to my school. Let's talk about this. I was very reluctant. Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise to be vampires. I'm recovering goth. But they crushed it. They crushed it. I have to give it to them. That movie be vampires. I'm recovering goth. But they crushed it. They crushed it.

I have to give it to them. That movie was great. I know. And Brad Pitt, my husband got to meet him in real life, and he looks stunning. I don't think Anne Rice, I'm sure he does. I'm sure Anne Rice, I think she was reluctant to have Tom Cruise do it initially, too. Of course. Every goth was like.

Because Lestat was like this looming, imposing, demonic vampire figure in the books. Did you read the books? I read the books, yeah. Yeah, I read the books. Yeah, Interview with the Vampire was amazing. Are you kidding me right now? No, no, no.

I would never, if someone said a million dollars Joe Rogan's read Interview with the Vampire, I'd be like, never. Anne Rice is a fascinating character. She's dead now. Yeah, unfortunately. I really liked her too.. She's dead now. Yeah, unfortunately. I really liked her, too. She was great.

She wasn't very healthy. Oh. But she wrote some great stuff. But she also, like, sometimes you'd hear her opinions on things. You're like, oh, my God, this bitch is crazy. What was her deal? I didn't even know that.

I love hearing this stuff. I forget what, like, I'd read commentary that she'd said. She was just, like, a little unhinged. But, I mean, that's what you'd expect from someone. Like, what was she controversial about? What was controversial about Anne Rice? Because I know J.K. Rowling gets shit for...

She gets shit for saying that men can't be pregnant. And I don't know why she insists on saying that. It's so rude. All it is is hurtful. It's so rude. And I've personally stopped watching the Harry Potter movies because of this. And witchcraft, too. It's anti-Christian, so I agree.

Harry Potter is witchcraft. It is anti-Christian. It's anti-Christian. Anti-Christian and anti-trans. The one place where they cross lines. Magic is demonic. I mean, when you read the actual thing she said you're like who's pushing back against this I know

especially because the fucking Penn State swimmer is the most or UPenn swimmer is the most nutty one oh is this the one where it's like a dude that won out oh no no were they finally pushing back on that it's this no I mean she is still winning world championships when she was number 462

in the country as a biological male. And then a year later, a fucking year later, she's number one as a female who still has a penis. Yeah. So what? And if you get complained because she's walking around the locker room, you're transphobic. Oh, what happened?

Like, imagine if you woke up, you feel like Rip Van Winkle. And you're like, I'm going to take a nap around 2015. I just feel a little sleepy. And something happened. And seven years later, you're like, hey, guys, what's going on? Why is that dude swimming with ladies? I feel, OK, I'm like that every morning with Tom. I'm like, Tom, did you know that hiking is racist now?

Hiking is racist? Yo, Google that, young Jamie. Hiking is not inclusive. Hiking has an inclusivity problem. This article came out during the pandemic. Yoga is racist, even though it was invented in India. I mean, there's all these articles. And I'm like, am I in the fucking upside down?

Well, you also have to recognize that a lot of what you see when you read those articles is just people trying to get attention. They don't even believe what they're saying. Here, the unbearable whiteness of hiking and how to solve it. How do you solve the whiteness of hiking? Imagine that there's a problem with people

based on the melanin content of their skin who are just out enjoying nature together. And wouldn't that be an inclusive thing? It's one thing where your race doesn't matter at all. You're all just walking up this mountain enjoying nature. It shouldn't be a consideration even slightly. Hiking is not just for able-bodied white people anymore. But I mean was there a movement that we were like,

hey guys, you can't hike here if you're not. Come on, man, it's stupid. It's stupid as fuck. That's the thing. It's stupid. If you go on the trails, and this is not real, if you go on trails, hiking trails, you see people of all ethnicities and backgrounds. They're just enjoying nature together,

and it's a bonding experience for folks. Because there's something very humbling about walking over the top of a hill and you're seeing like a canyon and it's beautiful and you see people coming the other way and you're like hey what's up like it's a bonding thing it's an it's it's one of those things that's so humbling in its vast scale and magnificence and this natural beauty that it makes you nicer. It makes you feel better. It's like a little natural medicine. So everyone's out there enjoying natural medicine.

It doesn't have to do with white people. Come on. Tibetans are the best fucking hikers alive. They are. The people from Nepal and the people that take people up the Himalayas are the best fucking hikers that have ever lived. They're the best. Or is it pronounced Himalayas?

Oh, yes, yes. Yeah, they're the best. They're the best. Or is it pronounced Himalayas? Oh, yes, yes. Yeah, they're the best. They're the best. And they're not white. So hiking's not white. It's not white. It's human. You just disproved this shit, man.

Hiking's human, and especially at the highest level. Unfortunately, those people are known for being hired by white people. That's what it is. To take them up the Himalayas. Have you done that yet? Fuck that. That's not on the menu. How do you know if you have it in you, if you could do it?

How do you know you need to do it to prove it? I don't need to do it to prove it. I know I'm not interested in it. I'm not interested in Himalayas. That's what Ram Dass used to call it. The Himalayas. Is that how you fucking say this? Yeah. I used to have a joke about it. About the to call it. Yeah. The Himalayas. I go, is that how you fucking say this? Yeah.

I used to have a joke about it. About the Himalayas? Yeah. About how there's dead bodies on the way up there. And you're like, you have to have such incredible arrogance. Because it's so cold that they have to leave the dead bodies. So as you're walking up this trail to the top of this mountain, hoping to be one of the people that makes it, you get to look to the left

and the right of you, and there's dead bodies. It's wild, dude. There's dead bodies from the 30s. What? Yes. And they're not decomposed because it's super cold? Frozen solid like a rock, and they look like they're made out of plaster. They're white. Pale white frozen.

Whoa. You see their skin. Like their clothing has been made out of plaster, they're white, pale white frozen. You see their skin, like their clothing has been pushed away a little bit by time and worn out, and you can see part of their skin. Yeah, there's people that they know who the person is, like it's a famous hiker. Shut up. No, I'm not bullshitting at all. And you can walk, I was obsessed with this for months.

I was reading stories about hikers, look at this. These are hikers bodies. And they just leave that one in the far left. Yep. They just leave them there. Look at that one. Look at his skin. Bro, pick him up. Why don't they take this fool out? You can't because the air is so thin. It's so dangerous that to bring that guy down would risk people's lives because it's so hard to get up there and they just leave them up there. I think they've removed some of them. hard to get up there and they just leave them up there i think they've removed some of them this shit makes me so angry yeah you know what else infuriates me i was watching a documentary about this this guy that free climbing oh alex honnold i don't know i've had him on a few times

shit makes me so fucking mad because i'm like what are you doing it's just you know he's like and then i put my finger in the crevice. I don't have any back. It's like. No, you're not. Sometimes it gets tricky. Sometimes it's like I have to lift my foot up and get it to the spot or I'm going to die. I have to lift my foot up over here. Yeah.

And push off. Look at that. What the fuck? Yeah, this guy. Burrow. Oh, what are you doing, homie? Just what that looks like is just burrow. His little pants are falling down.

His dick's going to pop. He's got dick root. He's showing dick root. He's showing some dick root. He is showing. He's in good shape. He should. He looks great.

Cheers. Super, super, super nice guy. He's been on the podcast a few times. I think three times. I really enjoy talking to him. So what's his, he just gets him excited to do this. First of all all he loves being in nature and i think there's this accomplishment thing that comes with being

able to climb something with no ropes because there's no if it's just must do must do for to live you know you see people on those ropes like sometimes they slip and they fall off like would you have slipped if have slipped and fallen off if there was no rope? You might have. Like these fucking crazy assholes. Is this the guy that got arrested? This is Alex.

This is wild, dude. Oh, that's him too. Look at him, he's got his little chalky hands. Oh my God, he's climbing a fucking building. He's so high, that's so crazy. How old is this guy? It says climbs halfway up New Jersey skyscraper. Why half?

How does he get back down? What happens then? Do you slide down? My hands are so sweaty. I know, I know, I know. I don't like it. It gives me diarrhea. I don't want to see this. I know. Take it away. Wait, wait. Joe, have you seen the documentary about the divers

who rescue the children trapped in the tie? No, I haven't seen that. Tommy made me watch it. He's like, you're going to love it. It's very inspirational. I don't like children getting fucked with ever. Children are trapped inside of a fucking cave. Yeah.

They find divers who are like hobbyist divers, like a bunch of just old white guys, like introvert weirdos who are cave divers. Yeah. Because the military can't hack it. They don't know how to get in and get these kids out. It's a fascinating story. Should I tell you what happens? Spoiler alerts. Okay.

I know I probably should have said this before. But okay. Anyway. Yo, yo, yo. So these are the guys. And they find this group of like misfit dudes who love cave diving and they can go into these tiny little angles. I mean, look at the, it's all so narrow. And like I said, there's the boys trapped. They got trapped in a storm and they were there for like a month.

Oh, it was awful. And they had to devise a plan to get these boys out. And can I tell you how they did it sure it's so crazy they consulted with this anesthesiologist and they put an apparatus on the boys faces to put them under anesthesia and then and then the professional diver would take them through the cave very carefully out over like two or three hours while this kid was under two or three hours oh my god i mean like i'm crying even just fucking remembering it oh my god it's horrible look look this is the route so those are the boys oh my god this is insane so they had to find a way to be able to carry a kid safely put a mask without the kid freaking out yeah right because if the kid freaks out it kicks up dust.

I had Donald Cerrone on my podcast, and he was cave diving with this guy, and the guy got his tube tangled, his rope tangled, and he freaked out and spazzed out, and he filled the cabin up with silt, and they couldn't see anymore, and he couldn't figure out how to get out. And he was running out of air. It's the most riveting story I've ever heard in my life. What is this? It's Donald Cerrone, and he was telling out of air and he had to try to it's the most riveting story i've ever heard in my life what is this all right it's donald serrani and he was telling a cave diving story

and uh it's on youtube and when he did it like even though i knew he was here so i knew he was alive yeah he's obviously alive he's sitting in front of me telling me the story it's about him but as he's telling me i'm so filled with anxiety that I Can hardly breathe because he's doing an amazing job of telling it and the and the story is terrifying And then he's thinking about getting back to his wife and his kid. Yeah, you know that's what he's thinking about and While he's trying to find his way out. It's like I am NOT gonna fucking quit. I'm gonna get out and he finally gets out He's like you want to talk about he's a hardcore adrenaline junkie that's what that is yeah i mean he's a professional cage fighter he's had 48 fights in ufc yeah he jumps jet skis and fucking he's always doing nutty things he's you know he will whatever the fuck it is he'll do

it is it wild let's do it yeah yeah i i I feel like stand-up comedy is the ultimate for me in terms of like a danger, like intellectual danger. It's a great intellectual danger. Podcasting is too because podcasting, you're really just thinking it up on the fly. Yeah. The intellectual danger about stand-up comedy is like you committed to this. You know? I know. It's just you and the mic, dude. like, you committed to this. You know? I know. It's just you and the mic, dude.

Well, I have to take a pish. Yeah, go ahead. Yeah, I'll see you later. We'll pause. Okay. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. With Christina Pazinski.

Dash Segura. And we're back. So much better. Having to think and pee at the same time are not good. No. Like when you have to pee and you're holding it. I know. It's the worst.

The brain does not work well. No. We could build chairs with toilets, but you don't want to see that. I tried peeing in a diaper once on our podcast. It's terrible. Yeah. That doesn't seem like a good time. It's not.

It's not as fun as you think it'd be. I don't think it would be fun. Remember when that astronaut lady did it? She wore diapers so she could go kill her boyfriend's girlfriend. I about it once a year i think about that one a lot like yo how mad are you that you're like i'm gonna wear a diaper and drive across the fucking country she was going like 90 miles an hour for 18 hours with a diaper on just shitting her pants and and just gritting her teeth and she bear maced that lady. She hit her with bear spray and she tried to pull her out of her car and then she broke down crying.

That's what I miss. You know, we don't have any great scandals anymore like that. Well, that one was crazy because it was a NASA astronaut. You're like, you're smart. You should know better. She was a NASA astronaut and she drove across the fucking country to go whack her boyfriend's, I think it was the boyfriend's wife. I think she was fooling around with this guy who's married and I think that was the story. But that bitch and Amber Heard are cut from the same cloth.

That's right. See, that's the thing. You think that smart people can't be crazy. No, that's not see that's the thing you think that smart people can't be crazy no that's not true at all like what we were saying earlier like oh but I when I grow up I'll be normal

when I grow up yeah exactly and you're like oh no you either get more neurotic and you develop vices to cope yeah

or you figure out your shit and you try to stay yeah somewhat connected to reality there's a lot of smart people that are crazy as fuck yo Yo, I know, bro. Crazy as fuck.

Like, think of how hard it must be to become a doctor, right? It's hard, right? Yeah. Super difficult. It's like a decade of schooling. It's a lot of work. Now, imagine becoming a Nazi doctor. A Nazi doctor?

Yeah, Nazis had doctors. You know what I'm saying? Sure, sure. Okay, hold on. So here you have a brilliant person who's clearly doing something evil as fuck. Yeah. Just because someone's smart doesn't mean they're good. Well, here's the deal.

I read this book in college by Hannah Arndt called The Banality of Evil. And they put Eichmann was on trial in Jerusalem, right? And she's like, you know, you would expect that Eichmann, who was what his PR guy, Hitler's PR guy, is like second or third in charge, would be this malicious, evil, malignant piece of shit. But it turns out, kind of a dope. And that evil, you know, you're not really aware

that you're doing it sometimes when you're doing it. That's what the point of that whole thing was, if I'm recalling correctly. Sometimes people aren aware they're just like how fucked up it is yeah like even now like if we go along with this culture of like i don't share the same opinion as you you're a bad person like it's just an extension of that type of thinking yeah it's absolute kind of thinking you don't know you're just going with the flow. Okay, I guess that's a bad thing to do. I guess it's okay. Well, if you just think of the horrific things that people used to do that we thought of as normal and now are atrocious.

Like putting babies out in the middle of winter out on the landing. You ever seen those pictures? Yeah. I like that one. Why do you like that? No, I mean it's bizarre. You're like, who would ever think that that's a good idea to put a kid out in the freezing cold? Why did they do that?

It tired out the babies. It was supposed to be good for them. Made them sleep better, they said. They're probably just fighting to stay alive. How many of those kids got eaten by wolves? Jesus Christ, that's crazy. That's the exact picture, yeah, that I saw on the internet. They just shut the kid the fuck up and put him in a net.

I know. Jesus Christ, that's creepy. Yeah. People barely knew how to raise people when our parents were being raised. They barely knew it. And then our parents barely knew how to raise us, and we finally have the internet. Yeah.

And psychotherapy.otherapy babies need to be aired fresh air is required to renew and purify the blood and this is just as necessary for health and growth growth as proper food they sound like influence like influencers on instagram you know like the health frauds you know there's a few health frauds yeah i love we need to purify the blood with meditation like i'm gonna purify the blood with meditation. I'm going to purify my blood. I know. By what metric?

Are you fucking measuring your blood? And they're always in their 20s, these Instagram fitness people. I'm like, bitch, I look that good too. I didn't do a damn fucking thing. Show me in your 50s. It's pretty easy to look good when you're in your 20s. Yeah. Your body's firing on all cylinders. I know.

When you're in your 20s. Yeah. Your body's firing on all cylinders. I know. Well, it's like, though I don't fault them for it because it's a viable way to make a living now. Yeah. It's like, would you rather have them being a fitness coach at Equinox or would you rather have them on Instagram?

It's kind of, one of them is more lucrative. Definitely. Like, I don't know how much, you could actually probably do both at the same time if the gym lets you. But like, if you're like one of them fitness people, you can get a few million followers on Instagram and then all of a sudden you're selling products. Oh, yeah.

You know, you have like a fucking code, use my code, and they kick you back with a little piece of the action. I know. You know, if you're like one of those characters that, you know, sells that skinny tea or whatever the fuck

they sell I tried that is it any good yeah I don't want to say the name of the brand it's just fucking tea it's like instead of eating

compulsively I'm gonna drink tea and it's like let's just drink coffee it's much better or I tried a diet pill once and I was like

oh this is terrible want some coffee no oh you're going to there oh shit black coffee I tried a diet pill once and I was like, oh, this is terrible. Want some coffee? No. Oh, you're going to there. Oh, shit. Black coffee. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I like my men.

I like my men. The influencer thing is, it's, you know, like, I'm cool with it until you start selling skinny tea. Okay, go ahead. It's like, that shit does not do anything. Like, you know it doesn't do anything. Yeah, or just like, yeah. If there was a fucking T that made you lose weight, do you know how many people would be shredded?

I know. They would all take it. I know. Why wouldn't they take it? I heard you talking about The War of Art by Steven Pressfield, which I'm a huge fan of that book as well. It's a great book. Yeah.

I found it a decade ago. And it just completely, it was like, just do it. Shut the fuck up and do it. It's so uniquely pragmatic, the way he describes, like, becoming a pro, sitting down. Turning pro. The tour, I mean, rather the prayer to the muse. The muse, oh, I forgot about her. Yeah.

I love that. Treat it like it's a real person. There's something to that. There's something to that. There's something to treating it like it's a real person. There's something to that. There's something to that. There's something to treating it like it's a real person. Well, because I've learned in stand-up comedy, if I'm trying to sit down and work on a joke, I know there are some comedians that every morning they sit up.

I want to light my crack pipe too. But the muse doesn't always show up when you want her to. Oh, my fucking dick fell out. You can't worry about that. You gotta just keep showing up. The whole key of it is, yeah, it's not going to look at you. I turned Christina Segura into a motherfucking

cigar smoker. Bitch! The idea is that you show up because you're a professional. And you have days where you write. I came home two nights ago. I wrote a bunch of nonsense. I tried reading it the next day I'm like I know what I was trying to say but this is not good yeah and I was like okay because I just came home and I was like before I do anything let me just

get some ideas out yeah just see if they become a seed but then the unconscious will work on it I found and then it when it's ready it'll come up but the secret is to listen to the muse so when she gives you the idea respect that bitch and write it down yes write it down yeah write it down that's what I've learned over the years like oh that's how I do it don't ignore that yeah I've thought sometimes that I ignore oh I'll remember that you never never remember it at all I'm like I'm playing a little trick on myself. Yeah. Why do we do that? That's so lazy.

Like. So lazy. Because how much time does it take to get out of your bed, grab your phone and write it in the notes? I know. And you don't even have to write anymore. You can just press the voice thing and just start talking and it'll transcribe what you're saying.

Oh yeah. Yeah. Did you know about that? How the fuck do that? No, I didn't know. Is it in your notes? Check this. Watch. You go into your notes, right the fuck do that? No, I didn't know. Is it in your notes? Check this. Watch.

You go into your notes, right? Okay. Here's notes. I go like that. I press that button. Get the fuck out of here. Push this and I press this and I say, Christina Segura is a bad motherfucker. Thank you.

Get the fuck out of here. Yeah. So you instantaneously have a note. Yeah. I'm going to of here. Yeah, so you instantaneously have a note. Yeah. I'm going to do that. Yeah, and so if you have an idea that just pops into your head, you capture it. I like that. Yeah, and you can capture it in 10 seconds.

In 10 seconds, you could open your phone, do that, press that, and then you're recording it. So 10 seconds later, the idea is still fresh in your head. Just get it out. Get it out, and then revisit it when it's ready. Yeah, and then sometimes you revisit it like, oh, I forgot about this i love that me too i love that i have so many journals there has to be a better way but i still like old school i have to write it down i don't like to type and then i look at it sometimes the joke can take me seven years to write the there was a problem with that.

There's a couple of problems. One problem is you have to have the notebook. With writing it out? I know. But there's also this thing, what is it called, Remarkable, where it's a tablet. I haven't used it, but it's a tablet that you write on, and it has the feeling of texture of paper. And then it uploads it. Ooh, I want that. It uploads it into your computer.

And I think it can also turn into a text file. So it can turn it and change it from your handwriting and your script into text. Yeah, is that what it is? Have you ever used it, Jamie? You had it for a while? Yep. How is it?

It's good. I mean, it depends. The purposes you just said are like what it's good. I mean, it depends if that, the purposes you just said are like what it's for. Show us what it looks like. So you guys, this is the thing that I find for sure is that when I physically write things down like that,

I remember better. Yes. So what I do is I use index cards in my green room and I write things on the index cards and I also use notebooks where I write down the bits in the notebooks. So I write down my bits, even though I know my bits. I write them out. I just write them out. So that before the

show, I just have it 100% dialed in in my head where there's no thought whatsoever about what I want to talk about. Just go out there and flow. But what are the index cards for? Sometimes I want to put it in order. I just want to write it out. I got that idea from kevin james you know why because kevin james and i had the same writer because i'm lazy and he

wanted like you know m&ms and certain fucking this and that and i i don't give a shit they go what's your rider i go i don't give a fuck water i don't know and so she goes i'll just use kevin's writer so i got all this stuff i got like got red wine and a meat platter and fruit. I was like, oh, this is fucking cool. And I'm like, index cards and Sharpies, huh? What does he use those for? So I used Kevin James' writer, and then I started opening up index cards. I'm like, what a great idea.

Just write out your fucking premises and set it down and look at it before the show. That's brilliant. It's great. It's a great idea. That's brilliant. Because I remember my jokes, how I write the set list out. your premises and like set it down and look at it before the show. That's brilliant. It's great. It's a great idea. That's brilliant. Cause I remember my jokes, how I write the set list out.

Like when I'm on stage, I literally can see the writing. Yeah. And I go, Oh, I know that's the next bit, but I like index cards. So that the writing, the physical writing is different than the typing,

but for getting down an idea, there's nothing better than the typing. What I do is write with a computer and then i take it and i'll copy and paste it into something else or whether it's scrivener or whether it's notes or and then i'll write it out when i'm going to do it on stage i'll write out the bit like i'll write out like all the key points because i can do it without that but it's i think it's the best way to do it. There's like there's some things where you go, OK, is this am I avoiding this because it's more work or am I avoiding it because it's unnecessary?

And it's hard to figure out what's what sometimes because you kind of play games with yourself. But if I'm being honest with myself, the more work I do in terms of like paying attention to it writing it out looking at it the more the better so the three-step process to coming up with the idea and then to writing it out like in and like a computer like a Microsoft Word yeah yeah and to taking that and then writing that on a piece of paper yeah that's fine I just very similar because I got a Google Doc that just like is a running it's like a million pages of jokes, but then I will take what's going to happen on stage in a notebook. Oh, that's good.

So do you write the actual jokes on paper and then you print it out later in a Google Doc? Sometimes. And then I'll look at the Google Doc and I'll be like, oh, that's interesting, that's funny. But whatever makes it to handwritten is what makes it to stage. And then i do keywords so i don't do the whole sentence so that i can memorize like fart you know whatever like

fart or come stupid yeah and then you it's so crazy because i can memorize uh an hour of jokes but like dialogue like if someone gave me a script i can't i can't do it because you're completely connected to your material yeah it's like your world view yeah so this is the thing about comedy it's like there's a lot of different kinds of comedy you know there's like set up punchline fake jokes comedy there's but then there's here's the world through my eyes yeah and that's what you're doing right so of course you can remember it yeah it's it's 100 you yeah and it's like oh i can and i can even like new ones i write i can be like it yeah it's it's 100 you yeah and it's like oh i can and i can even like new ones i write i can be like oh yeah that's gonna come out it's such a fun craft

it's the best i know i'm so like i just hope i get to do more specials you know i love i love it you're so funny i i saw you in like 2000 i don't know 18 i think I was pregnant, or before I got pregnant, and you were like, you should have a special. And I was like, oh, yeah, I should have a special. And then I started to, like, work on it, but it was because you said I should. Like, it hadn't occurred to me until you said it. That doesn't make any sense. Why it hadn't occurred to you.

You're such a fucking idiot, because I was like, you know. But that's one of the reasons why you're so funny. Oh, thanks. Because you're not, like, completely career obsessed But that's one of the reasons why you're so funny. Oh, thanks. Because you're not like completely career obsessed. Yeah. You are obsessed with things being funny. Yeah. But you have this like weird part of you that's like not totally that like.

You know, like you're not like hyper ambitious, but you're really, really focused on being really funny. That's I think because isn't that the most important like. It is the most important. I love Bill Hicks. I love Bill Hicks. I, I, I love, I love Bill Hicks. And he was always like,

if you build it, they will come. He's always, he always said that, like, just be funny. The agents, everything will come.

And I don't think you should ever chase the industry. Don't ever chase them. No, you can't because then you get the ones that don't really want you and they don't do a good job. The relationship that an artist has to representation is very important because they have to you have to be able to trust them yeah it's like one of the reasons why i got those folks that used to work at the comedy store to come work here in austin's because i trust them they're all good people i know them well it's like these are good people i can like think about other things i don't want to think about that let me

think about other things so like if you have a manager and an agent you can't have a manager and an agent that doesn't really give a fuck about you Or bad relationship. It's a bad relationship. I know it's like the dude that you're always chasing like me love me But in the beginning when people are open micers That's all they get because those the only people that are interested and then they might want you to sign some 10-year deal where they get 50% of your podcast, you know, they're doing that. Yeah. Yeah. They're doing that. That's crazy.

Yeah. There's some sleazy fucking managers that are not just getting a piece of the standup career that they can enhance, but they're also getting a piece of the podcast. And they do nothing to help. No, they do nothing to help. Yeah.

I mean, it's really dark. It's dark stuff. What's so crazy to me is like, why haven't agencies built a podcasting division where they sell ads? Like, really? You guys are that fucking far behind? Some of them do. They are starting to do that now. Oh, good. But, you know, I should be clear. Some managers will help your podcast. Some managers will help you get guests and they'll help do things. And they, you know, they're business partners. They work with you, and they deserve a piece of the action. But that's not what most of them are doing.

What most of them are doing, they send you fucking auditions to some sitcom you don't really want to do, and they collect all your road money. Oh, that's the worst. I had that totally. They collect 10% of your road money, and then they collect your podcast money, and they're not helping. That's the worst. You are getting everything from you being more and more successful on podcasts and in your career growing and then putting stuff on YouTube and what have you and then eventually doing bigger and bigger theater shows and you still have the same manager

who doesn't do a goddamn thing and tells you a full house is going to be, you know, now that Saget's dead, they're looking for a guy. You're like right about to go on stage in Denver. Like, what the fuck are you talking about, man? And you can't believe you're paying that guy. I know. That's a lot of the relationships that managers have with comedians in this day and age. But there's great, my manager's amazing.

Yes, I like her very much. Chandra and Jeff, the two of them work together and they're the best ever. And I'm so fortunate I have this amazing relationship with them. They're my friends. I care about them so fortunate that I have this amazing relationship with them where they're my friends. I care about them very deeply. I love them to death. So it's not like, it's never like some question

as to whether or not I'll be working with them. Yeah. I'm not sure. But they love you too. Shandra loves you. I've talked to her and she's like. They're great people. They're all in.

Like you've got a great team. It does take a team of people to manage the career if you find the right. You gotta have that in life too yeah yeah friends you know it's one of the beautiful things about this group of people that we all hang out with is that everyone is really supportive yeah and everyone's genuinely friendly and everyone's killing it i know that's that's part of the thing it's like the more people around you are killing it, the more it's better for everybody. I know. Yeah, I was just thinking last night about my husband.

Tom Segura was never bad at stand-up. It's like I met him, he was 23, and I was 26, and we were both open micers. And he was so good. I ran the show at Tangier and i would have tommy close out all the shows and it's like ryan sickler matt full schron tom segura full charge full charge yeah like all these bros that i still kick it with today and like everybody's just i haven't seen full charge in forever i just got married matt Matt got married. Yeah. Shout out to Matt. Okay.

Send him a gift. Uh, but it's cool. It's really something special to watch all these kids. Like we grew up, we were just kids in Los Feliz and like now we're all adults, dude. Doing this thing. It's rad.

With families. Yeah. Netflix deals. What? Podcast studios. Who? Yeah. Weird.

What? Strange. It's awesome. awesome yeah it's a weird life but at the end of the day i was having this conversation last night with william montgomery because william montgomery um did shows with tony hinchcliffe in phoenix last week and i dropped in i did guest sets on tony's show it was fun. I love Tony. He's such a good writer. Talk about a killer joke writer. He's brilliant. I'm worried that one day I'm not going to be able to take Tony on the road with me. He's going to be too big.

I'm not kidding. It's going to happen. It's going to happen. The Kill Tony show when he just shits on people. He's the best. God. His off the cuff jokes are so brilliant. It's like a team of writers sat down with it for an hour and a half.

Meanwhile, he bangs it out in a half a second. No, he's genius. God, dude. He's a genius roaster. I think he's the best roaster alive. I really do. And he's just the funniest as a host of a show, like that Kill Tony show. He's the funniest guy.

He's so quick. Remember when we were at the Vulcan and some stupid bitch popped off in the front and Tony like just fucking hammered her and went after her I remember it happened again last night you're all you mean last night last night it happened last night yeah so people got kicked out in the front row and Tony was eviscerating him I thought I love that shit but But we all ran out. It sounds like we were at the comedy store in the back of the OR or some shit. To watch.

Oh, something's happening, dude. We all ran out. It was like the old days. It felt so good. Some people just need to learn about marijuana and stop drinking so much goddamn vodka before shows. Yeah, people get all ripped. They get too ripped,

and then they think they're a part of the show. And it's just because they're drunk. Sorry, I derailed your point. I don't have one. Oh, okay. What was it? What was I saying? What day is it?

We're talking to William Montgomery about something. Who are we? Oh, we're talking to William Montgomery about it. So William Montgomery and Hans Kim, too, we do these shows all the time at the Vulcan. Yeah. And then I take them with me on the road sometimes. Like I've taken Hans to arenas. We did Fort Worth.

We did this gigantic arena in Fort Worth, brand new arena. It was amazing. And Hans fucking killed it. And I was telling him, I'm like, it's the same thing, man. We're all doing the same thing. You're just, every day is just, make the bits better. Every day. Whether you're here or there.

So I'm going to take you with me to these places. You can see this, and then you'll see a club. I'll take you to a club, too. We'll do little clubs, little 200-seaters. And then we'll do a 1,600-seater. And then we'll do this and that. We'll do an arena. It's like it's the same goddamn thing as the Vulcan on a Tuesday night.

We're just trying to kill. You're just trying to tighten those bits up, and you're trying to give the people the best possible experience that you can give them i agree and especially uh what are you writing i'm not excited because like because like i i have points and then i fucking forget them and i'm like oh my god i want to say i get like all my brain written down more than any scientist who has ever been on this podcast the fucking phallic lady i'm like i'm a fucking idiot because i forget that um fucking i forgot my point i'm sorry i'm sorry well okay here's a point okay here's a point okay there's two points to this uh you said you had to work it out i love the process of grinding

and working and finding the bit and like yeah i'm obsessed with this process and i'm obsessed with failure because that's how the best and i don't even see i don't even see it as failure it's just like oh okay let's go let's go let's go pushing boundaries but number two and i think what was so valuable and so amazing about you and watching you is that you have to see it in order to go oh i could fucking do that too until you see a successful comedian and you're like oh dude oh okay that that's the road i can do that then boom like you're there you know yeah you have to be able to see so it's good that you're taking this kid and going like here's an arena here's a 200 seater here's that the pa pa pa pa yeah well

that's what i did with ari and duncan and guys, too. It's like, take them all, Joey, and just take them to everywhere. Like, guys. Yep. And also, it's a beautiful sort of system of support that we have for each other. It's very beneficial to everybody. It's very beneficial to me. It's beneficial to them. It's beneficial to me to watch them do well and to be able to see them come back to a

place and headline after they work with me you know and start doing theaters on their own and doing clubs on their own and killing it and it's the art form is fragile and there's not a lot of us I think the more we support

each other and the more we realize that a lot of disputes that comics have with each other are bullshit they we realize that a lot of any disputes that comics have with each other are bullshit they're not necessary they can be talked out we really we should be concentrated on trying to help this very fragile art form i mean there's more comics now than i think than ever because the internet because it shows like kill tony and all these shows we get to see on people's instagram pages them doing like open mic sets and people are pretty brave. They're putting open mic sets on their Instagram pages.

I would rather fucking die. Yeah. I mean imagine if you had some of that stuff from day four of you doing comedy. I'm so mortified by even like my first album, like comedy. Yeah. I'm like, oh God, it's terrible. I'm so embarrassed. But because of that, there's a lot of people doing it now. god it's terrible well these but because of that

there's a lot of people doing it now but it's still not that it's hard it's hard to run a club it's hard to run a club and have it be profitable without big names coming in all the time it's hard to be a comic and make a living and and get a you know figure out a way to feed yourself while you're trying to advance in comedy you're not exactly sure how to advance and you don't have a manager and you don't have an agent you're still writing but you get depressed and we need support it's a mind game it's a whole fucking well and here's the deal man from what i've been talking to clubs and stuff because i bring chase o'donnell with me she's my feature act and i love chase because she's different than me. She's not snarky and sarcastic and there's no jokes like, I got anal from my boyfriend.

I sucked a dick. I'm so fucking over that. I hate it. Is that really common? Oh, yeah. I'm over it. It's just not my steez, dude. But I talk to these clubs and they're like, yeah,

they don't support feature acts anymore. There's no culture of like, yeah, we'll put the feature up and we'll pay them peanuts, but they'll have a place to stay. They don't even do that anymore. No. So what you're saying about this being a fragile art form, you're 100% accurate because there's no system other than the headliner bringing some lucky few along. How does, you know, how do we keep this art form going well we have to make sure we have open mics that's very important open mics are very important community is very important and having some sort of logical progression to professionalism like

you have to have a logical progression to you get a certain amount of time and you know you hone that time and maybe you can open up for somebody your jokes are tight and then the person takes you on the road and you should make enough money to to eat and to fucking you know pay your rent and you know you should it's it's a thing like and then you try to figure out how to become like a national touring act and there's like you open for this guy opened up for B Bert in Cincinnati, and you contact the club owner, and they see you, and they go, how much time do you have? You're like, well, I've done 45,

but you really only have 30. Of course. Right? Oh my God, yeah. And then you make your way in, and it's a long process. It's a long process. And you have to do it right,

because if you show up in Seattle and you bomb, everyone's going to know. That's it. Yeah, they're going to go, oh, we had him headlined, and he didn't sell any tickets, and he ate shit on stage, and couldn't follow the middle act see that's funny because i thought that was just me being like oh i'm a woman so i have to fucking kill because if i don't kill they're gonna say oh it's because she's a girl and i put that added there's definitely that though there's

that too yeah yeah 100 there's an added difficulty level for fit for females i had this conversation back in the day with judy gold because i did this article for playboy where i talked about it and i said it's harder for women anybody says it's not you're not being honest it's harder because men don't want to hear women talk about politics they don't want to hear them tell people what they should and shouldn't be doing they don't want to hear them talking about sex so it's like it's hard so you either have to be kind of gross so when you talk about sex it's it's funny or you got to be hot and you're like luring people in with your sex jokes. It's like it's harder. It's like you and there's a certain expectation of you being unfunny. so what I found is sorry I'm two whole glasses of white wine in yeah we're a couple of old ladies in the suburbs we're at brunch

for sure this is like the best thing I've ever done I'm out of my fucking house so what I found is personally Janine Garofalo had this great saying she goes men in the audience they have to figure out whether they want to fight you or fuck you and there's some truth in that that's very true yeah but I also And there's some truth in that. That's very true.

Yeah, but I also think there's truth in being an archetype. So you're either a whore, which is what you're saying, like I'm going to talk about sucking dicks and anal, which is fine, right? Or you're the mother or the sister. Now, I might be projecting my own stuff into the world, but I found that once I became a mother, I slid into that archetype very well right very

comfortably right I'm attractive enough that I you want to you don't mind looking at me but I'm not the but I'm not like the hottie toddy 20 something so there's no real danger that your husband's going to run away with me right right right right right and I'm talking about motherhood which is a subject like you said it's not nobody wants to hear me talk about my opinion. You're absolutely right. It's funny because my husband and I can do the same bit and totally different response. Now, I'm not saying there's delivery, there's persona, but I think it's the meat shell that you're in dictates what you can get away with. Now, that being said, I got a fucking license to ill.

I can say crazy shit. That's true, too. Can you imagine this sweet little blonde white lady is talking crazy shit? What are you talking about? It's a great license. It's a license to ill. No one's, I mean, Hey, I'm cut this shit out. I mean, I don't want this to attract people. There's a lot of people that are, you want some more of that mommy? Oh,'re doing it now how easy was oh easy you're stopping i already had a bunch don't worry i got a little in here you're fucking faded cheers bro let's get ripped i'll switch to whiskey yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i lost your fanny pack i had it there's i got another one for you i got another one for you i loved that one

the um the the there's a difficulty with some guys some, Janine Garofalo is right about that, that a lot of guys have that. It's a good generalization. But there's some guys that are like Hannah Gansby fans. Some guys are really into being flogged. Some guys are really into hating being a man. There's all kinds of people out there. Self-hating. They're self-hating males. There's that that there's guys that just like women stuff they like

women doing stuff they like women doing stand-up they're like can I tell you before we shit on those guys yeah because 20 years ago when mommy was starting her career need those guys I love those guys when I started my career I don't mind yeah come to my shows Yeah, come to my shows. They just like mommy. They love mommy. I was doing Florida gigs. I was doing, you ever do Marco Island where they're cracking seafood, cracking open the crabs. And, you know, I'd go up to a bunch of old fat white guys with their arms folded, and I would have to win them over. Yeah, you're going to love me.

And they did. Fine, I learned my tricks. But I love this new crop. These young boys in their 20s think it's perfectly normal that a woman will tell jokes because they grew up on podcasts. They grew up on. They grew up. Do you think there's more good women comedians now?

I think it's harder for women to become good comedians. Than ever or just always. It's harder now. But it's always harder than it is for men, in my opinion. Well, because the life is hard. So I grew up with not a lot of frilly comfort, so it didn't bother me to live

out of a suitcase, you stay in a shitty motel, you eat shitty food, you don't know where you're going to be the next day. All these things I was fine with. Yeah. A lot of women, it's very rough to live the road life. You need your lighter, mommy? It's not an easy life to become lot of women. It's very rough to live the road life. Yeah, your lighter money It's not an easy life to become a feature act It's no when you're a woman and you're on the road like that. I'm sure you feel vulnerable

Yeah, and then you're you're also not getting enough money to really sustain yourself like this. This is just a bridge It's just the the middle life days are like a test to see if you will graduate to headliner. Yes. And you have to do a lot of that work. You have to pursue gigs. You have to try to get headliner gigs. You have to contact people or have a manager that contacts people. And you have to be able to put in the time at the clubs to develop a real act that you could actually sell as a headliner.

So that when you go and you do well, they want you to come again. You have to be able to do good on the radio. You get in the morning radio and you come in and talk shit. And that's kind of dead. Oh, thank God morning radio is dead. Isn't that the fucking worst thing in the world? You need something. You need something if you don't have a podcast.

If you don't have a podcast and you don't have a social media presence, you need something. Because that's what the clubs are booking now I hear is like just a person that had like on TikTok. They have like a million followers. And that's cool. But like, okay, so what's the act? They're just doing whatever they can to fill the place, right? You got to think of a comedy club that had to go through the pandemic. And, you know, how many of them were shut down?

That's true. When I went to stand up live this past weekend with Tony, first of all, amazing fucking place. It's a great venue. It's a great venue. It was so good. They put my picture up there. That's why I like it. I like it.

But I've been working for Joel for decades. But the thing about it is that when you get to a place like that, you realize it's hard to keep a place like this open. You have all these employees. This is a 600 seat venue. How much money did it cost them when they were shut down? I mean, fortunately for them, they're in Arizona, so they weren't really shut down that long. Yeah.

I think they had like 50% seating for a while. Remember, there was like weird rules. Yes. You had to wear a mask. My favorite is let's put the plastic thing in between you and the next person. And then COVID knows it can't go this way. It has to go. It can't go that way.

It has to go. Go around. Go around. Well, I see that way. It has to go. Go around. Go around. Well, I see that shit. I'm like, really? Arizona's a weird place. They're a little loose down there. So I think they probably weren't as bad off as the store.

The store was shut down for a long fucking time, a full year. California got fucked. They got fucked by bureaucrats. They got fucked by poor decision making. They got fucked by poor planning, poor understanding of what it requires to keep a business open. It breaks my heart because I'm an Angeleno. I grew up in Los Angeles.

I love L.A. Yeah. It's the fifth, what, the fifth largest economy in the world? In the world. And I was just there. I did the I did a festival. And the night of my I did the Regent Theater in downtown L.A. and I get a phone call on the way. And my agent is like OK there's a hostage situation. There's a man holding another man hostage. It'll traffic will open up in an hour.'ll be fine i'm like what in an hour they're so calm yeah and then chapelle got assaulted that night too i'm like what's happening dude los angeles is a sketchy fucking place now and um they're gonna have to figure out how they can mitigate what they did during the pandemic and then the natural progression of homelessness and crime and defunding the police and all the chaos that came out of the george floyd riots you got to do something it's it's going the wrong way and it's going the wrong way like you can watch it progress you can look at the charts the the crime and the violence and all the the things that are up the

burglaries and home invasions are all up i know it's not good it's not it's not a good trend they're letting people out of jail early. They're putting people back on the streets after they've committed violent crimes. It's not good. It's not good. And they didn't manage it well during the pandemic. And they're not managing it well now. And the problem is they're also trapped in this ideology of progressiveness.

And progressiveness, you know, progressives want everyone to uh recognize that there's inequality everywhere and we have to take that into consideration when we're prosecuting people and arresting people well yes sort of but you also have to fucking stop crime you can't allow people because crime begets more crime right people get excited about it yeah hey look you can hit a comic great will smith did it now someone else is going to do it to chapelle right yeah i mean the idea the guy literally tweeted chapelle you're next he literally tweeted that yeah he tweeted that with they them as his pronoun chapelle you're next it said it on his fucking you made a tweet he said they're they

tweeted that yeah they did that oh yeah yeah it's all fucking the a tweet. He said they're they tweeted that yeah, they did that yeah You know the world's not fair, but it's it's not fair in some ways that at least are Manageable they should manage them better. Yeah, all the fucking resources were pumping into Ukraine where where do we get that money? Where how come you didn't fix all this shit? Where did we get that money? How come you didn't fix all this shit? Where the fuck did you get $4 billion? We could have used that to make the education system better in this country.

No. All these years we weren't going to war with Ukraine or with Russia. Imagine that. They just all of a sudden have $4 billion. Where did you get it? I'm terrified. What about the schools? The schools, they're eating fucking toast. These kids have no food.

They have terrible lunches. It's not nutritious at all. Where's the money from? Where's your money from? Where's that money come from? I don't know. But what I have learned living here in Texas is we don't like government involved in our shit. That's for sure.

Well, Texas has sort of this history of independence because it wasn't even a part of the union originally. I know. I like that. That's why it's the Lone Star State. Didn't it secede at one point? I don't know if it seceded, but there was a rough go of it. You know, there was a rough go of even settling this area.

This area was overrun by the Comanches and they killed everybody until they figured out revolvers. And then once people figured out revolvers, they're like, oh, I got more than one shot here. We can fuck these guys up. And that really changed the West. Guns, germs, and steel. Yeah, but that really did.

There's a guy named Jack Hayes. He was the very first Texas Ranger. He also figured out you have to hunt the Comanches the way the Comanches travel. So you have to not use fire because you have to do what's called a cold camp. You camp with no fire so they can't see where you are.

You have to be really sneaky and you can't dress like a soldier. You got to sneak in on them. So all the Texas Rangers are basically like... It's like the modern version of a Navy SEAL. Nice. They figured out how to infiltrate and be the most extreme badasses to overcome the Comanches. And then they figured out the revolver.

And the revolver was first thought to be a useless weapon. People like, they came up with it. I think Colt came up with it first. But most people were like, why do I need all these bullets? I can just pack it in there and do my thing. Take my time. If I'm going to have a duel with a gentleman, I will have plenty of time to reload my musket pistol.

Yeah. But they realized that these Comanches could ride their horses and shoot arrows off the horses and they would keep the arrows in their fingers

so they would have like four arrows in their fingers and they would go like shh, one, shh, two, shh, three, shh, four and they would do it while they were riding the horse towards them.

And these poor guys were in there with the fucking musketeers like, hey, thunk, thunk, thunk. And they were getting lit up. So it was a long-ass time before they figured out how to conquer this area. They would give people settlements out here. They would say, you know, Mr. Wilson, what would be great for you? A wonderful ranch in Comancheria. You know why they called it Comancheria? Because it was run by the Comanches.

Oh, shit. So these fucking assholes, they'd give them these plots of land. They'd put up fences and everything. And the Comanches would come and slaughter everybody. And then they would have to have a response for the Comanches slaughtering everybody. So then they would bring in the troops and attack them. It wasn't that much different than what they do today. Yeah.

Well, that's the thing. We'd like to think that we're so advanced. We'd like to think that we're so rational. Guess what? No, we're still dipshits. There's a lot of dipshits out there. Well, look at, I mean, I'm not a political comedian, but Russia and Ukraine, you think, oh, we're so evolved. Really? It's still East and West. Well, the Russia-Ukraine thing is crazy because a lot of them speak the same language and they're like right next door to each other. It's like us going to war with Canada. Whoa.

Imagine we went to war with fucking Montreal. They're like, what are we doing? We're blowing up Montreal? I know. But you talk to, so I have a friend in Kiev. Kiev. Kiev. Kiev.

And you talk to my friend there and they're like, no, no, no, dude. We are not fucking Russian. We are not. We have our own shit. We have our own language. We have our own language. We have our own culture. Don't fuck with me. Do they speak Russian and Ukrainian?

But this is because the Russians annexed that part of the world. Because they took over many, many years ago during the Cold War and forced that culture on them. So they're like, oh, fuck your mother. We don't speak this gobbledygook. We speak our language. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, it's a weird one because it's still going on. And you're like, how does this wrap up? speak this gobbledygook. We speak our language. Get the fuck out of here. It's a weird one because it's still going on.

And you're like, how does this wrap up? And you keep hearing these rumors of Putin. I want to be there for the season finale of Ukraine. It's on right after Ozark. Well, we've already moved on. I mean, everybody was so hot on it. Amber Heard is more compelling.

There's something about her fake crying That really gets my panties in a jimmer Gets my panties in a twist What about when she did blow Do you think she did a hit I put it on my Instagram I don't know if she did it but I hope she did it I think she did

Cause I showed it to my friend who used to do cocaine He's like yeah yeah that's a bump I'm like that's fucking wild. In court? Well, she is blowing her nose with a tissue, and if she just took a little toot, just a little pick-me-up. Is that what they call it?

Just a little pick-me-up. A little pick-me-up. Imagine if they drug tested her immediately afterwards. That would be so rad. They put their hand on her arm. Mr. Hurd. Mrs. Hurd, rather. Excuse me.

What are your pronouns? We're going to have to drug test you. Wasn't she a they-them at one point? No. She had a lesbian relationship recently. Yeah, publicly living with a woman. Oh, my. Did she change her pronouns?

Spicy. Spicy. But if he just puts his arm on her, as Hurd, we're going to have to take you for examination. Drug test you. Were we doing coke during the trial I'm not for to to Instagram and tick-tock people demand answers they're like this whole thing of like were they were they not doing drugs and it's like yeah dude they were having they were there while this is the couple yeah he's

Jack Sparrow bitch yeah like Yeah, he's a fucking pirate. You never seen a couple like that where the guys, they're in it. It makes his dick hard to be with a woman who's crazy, and then they fight, and they fuck, and they fight, and they fuck, and it's exciting. Yes, that's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. Anybody who doesn't get it, they're not Jack Sparrow.

The guy's doing flower bags Filled with coke every week Like what are you talking about He's probably having a blast So he almost lost a finger Whatever whatever What the fuck ever Did she cut it off

Or he did it She threw a fucking vodka bottle At him or something And smashed his finger And cut the tip of his finger off Fucking wild Go get it sewed back on And I bet they fucked

Like wild donkeys Like wild dogs Yeah yeah yeah He probably had his arm in a sling He's banging it like he's riding a rodeo Bronco With his one arm up in the air I mean they're so hot

You can see their chemistry They want to fuck so bad But apparently she's the shit on him for being old Oh stop it He's still high He's Johnny Depp What a cunt You know what I didn't like Is when being old oh stop it he's still high he's johnny depp feel bad what a cunt am i supposed to say

that you can say you know what i didn't like is when listen remember the whole fucking winona writer johnny depp era that was beautiful and he got the tattoo i love that forever and that bitch made fun of winona forever? How dare you? She made fun of it because it was still on his arm. Yeah. Can you imagine? Wino, but he changed it. Wino forever?

No, it just says, yeah, it just says Wino. Right? Is that what it says, young Jamie? I don't know. I think it's just Wino. Well, he had her name tattooed on his hand. It said Slim. And I think he turned...

Don't tattoo the bitch's name. Don't tattoo... Don't ever... Did you tattoo a woman's name? No. Never, right? It just... I mean, you can do it

if you really want to do it. There's nothing wrong with doing that. But not in that case. Not that lady. No, don't do that. Did they prenup? No, they didn't. Yeah, it said Wynonna forever and he changed it to Wynno forever.

Listen, every bitch in the 90s. So it was Wynonna forever and he changed it to Wynno forever. Well, he loved her. Yeah. That's sort of disrespectful to change it to Wynno though. I know. Either take it off or cover it up. Can you even really remove a tattoo?

Oh, yeah. Really? Yeah, they're pretty good at it now. The lasers. I follow a lot of people on Instagram, I mean, on TikTok, that are removing facial tattoos. And it's so slow. It's a slow, arduous- Is it?

It's a year or two years of- Really? Yeah. And then there's this thing in LA. You can get a tattoo that lasts for one year now. Ooh. Interesting. Like it's an ink that your body can dissolve. That is such an LA thing. I know.

That's so LA. Is that a real tattoo? It's henna. Okay. Is that a real tattoo? It's an annual. That's what I want. This guy got them removed. How 25 procedures over the course of 16 months so he got it completely taken off wow his his face was scratched on look at all that scratchy scratch i also detailed the whole thing over time wow the poor guy man

like that oh my god no she didn't did she really do that? I don't know. Yes. There's so many people that have done that. It's so nuts, man. Is this her for real? I think so. Same tattoo. Oh, God. Is she getting it removed, too?

It's her journey. Oh, click on that. Because I never get it when a pretty girl decides to do that. Usually there's meth involved. Oh, usually there's a lot involved. A lot of anger, right? Yeah. That's usually the common denominator when I find them on TikTok.

Does it show her removing it? Not really, no. Oh, she's just started? Maybe, yeah. Well, good luck to you, honey. I remember her. I hope you get rid of it. It's just a weird thing when someone starts to fuck around with the face

and put a little heart next to their cheek. You're like, hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey! Hey, Hey, Hey, don't, don't you fucking do it? Don't do it. Cause it's,

but it's cool now. Cause like post Malone, he's got a lot. Yeah. Like Tyson, you don't even notice now when you're hanging out with Tyson, you're just like, Oh my God,

it's Mike Tyson. You don't even notice that he has a face tattoo. Cause you're so just in awe. You just can't believe it's Mike Tyson. He was the innovator. He was like the first one to do that. Besides like, sure. Because you're so just in awe. You just can't believe it's Mike Tyson. He was the innovator. He was like the first one to do that. Besides like Mao. For sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Besides them, like the first celebrity face tattoo, I would have to say it's got to be Mike Tyson. That's pretty gangster. Because he was a massive celebrity. And he was doing it while he was fighting. And he got that face tattoo

and everybody freaked. I remember that. Yeah. Yeah, they freaked. Yeah. I think he was going, and he got that face tattoo, and everybody freaked. I remember that. Yeah. Yeah, they freaked. Yeah. I think he was going to do more of his face, too, but he decided not to. Yeah. It's a good call.

Yeah. It's tough. It's a tough look. It's a good look. I like it. It works for him. Are you going to get face tats? I'm thinking about it right now.

Face tats and heroin. Which one first? Maybe a neck tat, like a lightning bolt. Yo, I kind of like a neck tat. Maybe a wolf. Yo! I like that. Right here.

Oh! I can see you. Maybe thunder and lightning on this side. Oh, my storm is coming. No, dude, it's an arrow, and you're killing that motherfucker. Oh, yeah. I'm killing a wolf on my neck. Yeah, dog.

Yeah. I do want knuckle tats. I do like those. What do you want? Okay, this is the deal I made. How about balls? Balls on each knuckle. B-A-L.

No, just little balls. Tiny little hairy balls. Oh. On each knuckle. I pick my kid up from kindergarten. I'm like, what's up? Hey, what's up, ladies? Yeah.

You'd always wear a glove like Michael Jackson. People go, what's going on with her? Well, I did the heroin one night and I got balls on my knuckles. Ladies. Yeah. You'd always wear a glove like Michael Jackson. People go, what's going on with her? Yeah. They had the heroin one night. I got balls on my knuckles. I like how they look. What would you get? Like what kind of,

okay. So here's what I was thinking of when Tom and I got fuck you money. There's a number in my mind that I would get F U C K Y O U. And then a dollar sign. Ooh, I like that. Yeah. And then I'll be like, they'll be all, why'd you get those knuckle tats?

I'm like, because I got fucking money, bitch. Like, you're just out. You're out. Like, you're just peace out. Yeah, you can do whatever you want. Yeah, dog. Well, your guys are out now. You're independent.

Do you think I, I don't know if I'm fucking money out. Yeah, but you're pretty fuck you money compared to most people. Yeah. It's just what you are is the most important part of fuck you money. You're completely independent from any system. You do whatever you guys want. It's amazing because you're completely self-sustaining with the podcast and your fans.

You have an ecosystem going on. Everything's great. You guys are providing great content and great shows and everybody loves it and they share it and it keeps growing. The thing about podcasts and stuff like that is like you can tell, like some of them just keep growing. And some of them do not.

They just do not. Yeah, what's the secret sauce? What's the secret sauce? I think people just get bored with people. They get tired of the way people treat people or maybe their approach to life is tiresome. If it's like two one note I think that bothers me.

Some people never really let people in. It's always like kind of a bullshit thing. You never really get to the real part. Every admission is just to make other people feel better about them.

It's all calculated. It's all insincere. You know, people talk about like, sometimes people will talk about stuff and you go, man, I'm not buying it with this dude. This does not feel like a person who really either cares about what he's talking about or, you know

what I mean? But they're just doing it because they think they're like an actor. Like when Amber Heard was on trial. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the greatest acting gig of her life. Right. But it's shit. She's doing terrible.

I'd be cast her. When you're watching it, it's like, you know what I'm saying? Yes. It's not resonating. But with some people, some people will talk and it resonates. You go, that person is, they're there.

They're really, this is what they're there they're really they're this is what they're really thinking about yeah is what they really believe and i can i can get behind that yeah yeah she's uh i think because people can smell bullshit people smell bullshit way better than we'd like to think yeah we're not great we're not 100 out of it but we're pretty fucking good but then there are people that believe her so So then what the fuck is wrong with them? Crazy bitches. They find each other and like, she's right. Chinese asshole.

I heard he did a cavity search on her looking for bags of coke in her vagina. That was hot. That was the best one. That was a good one. Because that's not the first time she's even hinted about having bags of coke in her vagina. She's probably had them up there before. That's how he knew to look. That's not like a, I would never check my wife's vagina for bags of coke.

I guarantee you she never had them up there. Never. But that girl, he's like, where's the coke? Hmm. I know where it is. Is it in her purse? It's in her vagina? I don't even know if it's a true story, but if it was, just the fact that she said it,

like, what kind of life are you living? There's not a normal, healthy woman out there who's going to relate to this. A normal, healthy woman who wants a normal, healthy man in her life who's like, hold on, what are you guys doing? He's got his hand in your pussy using you like a goddamn puppet because he's checking for Coke bags? Where's the Coke, Amber? Where is it? Where's the Coke?

I can't find it, but I know you took it. And I need Coke. coke i mean and like who would have thought that this trial would correct his uh public persona yeah yeah you're like wait this is fucking insanity is doing him a benefit i mean i would not have taken that risk personally i'd be like ah let's just i think he knew i think he knew all you had to do is get her on the stand. And everybody would see. Get her on the stand. Yeah.

And he goes first. He goes first. Yo. 100%. He has to go first. He has to go first because he establishes a base of like, well, I don't, he seems normal. He's definitely done some stupid shit. Yeah.

He definitely does too much coke and drinks too much and he's full of chaos and everything. But like right now now Sober seems like that's who he really is yeah he seems like a really nice guy and he talked very slowly very slowly

and he has a very weird yes accent yes what's the accent now it's bullshit what is this it's a bullshit accent

where is he living it's bullshit it's bullshit France or in I'm living in the world I'm a citizen of the world. He's an actor. That's it.

You got it. You got it. He's an actor. Wait, do more. Do more. Amber at one point in time seemed to have lost the cocaine. I merely looked in her pussy. I could see some places where she couldn't.

And she made a defecation. You know what? This has been really good for people that felt... Wild. ...were jealous about movie stars. Yes. Between Will Smith smacking Chris Rock and his relationship with Jada being examined and then this Johnny Depp thing.

It's like, oh, that's not fun. Like, that life is not good. Well, because money, look. It's fame, too. Fame is not fantastic. Here is, fame is not fantastic. Fame, here's what fame is great for. Well,

hello, Joe Rogan. Welcome to the restaurant. We have a table right for you. That's nice. That's amazing. People are happy to see you. They're always nice to you.

It's awesome. Money's great because you don't have to worry about the day to day-ness. But guess what? Like, you still have to deal with human problems like i yeah i always say that relationships too look listen when i do my special i was in the makeup chair and the next i go yeah but in 12 hours i'm gonna be wiping asses like this is not you know like i'm gonna be changing diapers and yeah that's life that's real life yeah but but you have that contrast and i think

that's what's really important and that's one of the things that does happen when you become a parent is you recognize that you have to take care of these kids these little beautiful human beings that you're intimately connected to and that's it's so much more important than everything else so everything else even though you have to focus on it and concentrate on it, and you become disciplined and even more ambitious because of it, I think, for a lot of people, it's not as important. And so because of that, it gives you more perspective. The people that their career is everything, it's their only thing and everything, and whether they sell tickets or they become weird and needy.

Let's talk about that. I agree. I agree. I could send you some Instagram stories that you need to follow. Me too. Let's do it. I've got a, yeah. I've got a few.

Yeah, I've got a few too. I know who we're talking about. Some people. I know. Some people went crazy. Yo. But some people got on cable shows and then they got like a little bit of a following because of these cable shows.

Cut this out. No, no, no. We're going to know who we're talking about. We're fine. We're good. Are good are you sure yeah yeah but it's just it's just a mental illness problem it's it comes with a lot of performers you know the the type of people that seek out being a comic like that's not a normal person we're narcissistic like there's a hole deep inside of us we want to validation yeah but then you here's what happens you get successful and you're like oh oh shit my parents still hate me oh oh shit guess what everything's the same it's same shit different toilet but you get better at being a person and as you get better being a

person you shift your attention from needing validation yes excuse me and needing attention to getting better at what you do that you love. 100%. Yep. And then your energy goes in a healthy place. And then it becomes getting better at your act, killing, better at putting together a special, better at podcasts. Yeah, that's what happens. And you know what too changed with me is not so much needing to be heard and seen, which I think was the motivator in the beginning like yeah i want you guys are gonna listen to me and then right now it's like oh i want to do a service back yeah hence the crazy outfits and like i'm gonna fucking entertain you guys like you you had babysitters

you had to hire you left the shittiness of your day-to to get here and I'm going to take care of you. It's more of like giving. Yeah. Than just like, oh, my whole, my fucking needy shit. Gimme, gimme, gimme. Gross. Yeah. But that energy.

But you're a giver. You know that. That's why you do fucking four hour podcasts, you know, five days a week. You're a giver. I think you've always had that. You're a giver. I think you've always had that. But I think it's definitely, you can't have this attitude that you're doing this all for you. No. You just have to be doing the thing the best you can. And the thing is something that other people enjoy. But any time that you're spending doing it for you is wasted time. Obviously, you reap

the rewards. I'm not saying it's not a benefit to you, but you can't think of it as you're doing it for you is wasted time. Obviously you reap the rewards. I'm not saying it's not a benefit to you, but you can't think of it as you're doing it for you. You won't do it good. You've got to think about doing the thing the best you can so that people enjoy it. That's what I do. I only think of that.

Doing it the best to your ability on that given day. I do it the best I can on any given day. Yeah, and I have better shows and shows that were like, eh, I talk too much. Maybe I should have shut the fuck up and let the other person talk. You know, you never know. It's like it's all in real time and it's live. And that's why I also have a ritual before podcasts.

Oh, what is that? It's a workout ritual. I make sure that I get like a really hard workout and then I do the sauna. And on days where I do cardio, I do the cold plunge. Days where I don't do cardio, I just do the sauna. You're amazing. How long is this? What is this? From the time I start to the time I've done, it's just about two and a half hours, including sauna. Because it depends on what kind of workout I like to do. But if I do like kickboxing, so it's like an hour of the kickboxing, but then it's a solid half hour plus of stretching, half to stretch afterwards, like long-term heavy stretching

because that's the best time when you're exhausted to loosen everything up. And then it's the sauna cold plunge back and forth, which is like 45 minutes, maybe even more. I love this. Yeah. And then I come here and I'm just so free. Yeah. I come here.

I'm so relaxed. So relaxed. And it's so much harder than anything else I'll ever have to do in life. What is? The sauna and the cold plunge and the workouts. Yeah. It's so hard that when I get in here, like complicated subjects and, you know, whether or not people are going to be angry about your positions on things.

That doesn't mean anything to me. It's fine. It's fine. Because you're so centered. But it's like a process to get to that spot. But that's also the beauty of being an adult is you go, hey, dude, I know I got this in my head. I got to fucking manage. Yeah. You take the responsibility for this and you go, I know what I need to do. I got to do, I do Pilates.

I meditate. I fucking do yoga as well. I have to go for a walk. I have to be in nature. If I don't do these things, I go insane and I'm a shitty human being. I think you are everyone. Yeah. I think everyone is that. Yeah. But we ignore that aspect because it's inconvenient. Yeah. And we decide that we don't need exercise. I think in general, families all across the board listening to this, you'd be happier and healthier if you all went on a walk together. Yeah. Just do something together where you like you're physically active together and you just do some natural human stuff. Play a little, have a little game, do something where you're out in the backyard or you're

going for a walk around the neighborhood or just fucking do something together. Like get physically active. You got to do something. We're all the same. I think I have extreme requirements, but that's also because I built my body into this thing that needs those things. Well, do you think you have more energy? Were you always energetic as a kid? I was always energetic.

Yeah. I was crazy. Yeah. I was bouncing off the walls. Yeah. My son, my older boy is like that, just like. And I bet your older boy, if he had bad parents, they'd medicate him. Oh, I would never.

Yeah. But there's no, of course you put him into soccer. Of course. But there are some people out there that don't like a child that has too much fucking energy and they want to medicate them. Yeah. That's a crazy talk. I had a neighbor that did that.

They had a kid and they were like, the kid has this and that. I'm like, the kid seems fine to me. You know, I'm really reluctant to label. I think, I think we're really so quick to label everybody like Just chill the fuck out. I mean, I think school is boring as fuck for kids and most kids Like I thought that I was not interested in school I was not interested in education until I got out of school and then I realized oh

It wasn't that I wasn't interested in educating myself. I was not interested in being talked to by morons. They were not good at it. Because I'm not saying morons like they weren't intelligent, but they weren't good at talking to people. And if you're going to be a professor, an effective professor, you have to be engaging. Something about what you're, you can't just relay the information because that sucks. That's like a shitty comedian that just like says the jokes and you have no delivery.

There's something to being a professor that you're persuading someone to be enthusiastic about a subject. And some people don't have that in them. And if you go to school with most, and there's a lot of those people out there, unfortunately, and you go to school with them, you're like, boring, boring, boring. Get me out. And then one day you stumble upon a YouTube video where some guy is talking about black holes and he's engaged and he's into it. And you're like, oh my God, I give a fuck about black holes. Now I want to research black holes. school where I was like oh the teacher's just telling me what's in the book so why don't I just read the book and I'm not going to come to class and I did that in college for one one class I never even showed up to and then I just read it and then I did fine I got a B or something in the class like what are you doing but enthusiasm is more important I agree it's very important but

the information is important too but enthusiasm is something that gets people engaged. It's the same with your act. If you go on stage and phone it in, people are not interested. But if you go on stage and you're fucking super engaged. And I was very fortunate to have a few teachers on a few subjects that were really good. And you're like, oh, why do I love English with Mrs. Wilson? Because Mrs. Wilson is locked the fuck in. She's locked in and she's talking to you about these things.

It's kind of fun. It's exciting. And, you know, and I had a science professor when I was in, I guess I was in eighth grade and a science teacher. And I remember he said, you want to really hurt your brain? He goes, just go outside and look up, look up and realize that that is infinity. And it just goes on forever. Just don't think about it for a second.

Just keep thinking about how big it means to have no end. Fuck. That guy planted that shit in my head forever. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was in eighth grade. That guy was very enthusiastic. He was a really good teacher. And he was in a shit neighborhood too.

That's when we lived in Jamaica Plain. There was like 17-year-old kids in my school that would show up for the first couple of weeks and then drop out again because they had missed so many classes and they had failed so many years. They were 17 and they were in the eighth grade. Oh my God, that's so sad. Normal. It was normal. They would be there in the beginning of school and then they would quit after a couple of weeks. They would just drop out. it was a bad neighborhood but that guy was a fucking that one guy planting that one

thing in my head at that time it just takes one teacher I had a philosophy professor like that he's dead now but he that's philosophical I know and he taught existentialism Dr. Bob Makus oh Bob he's dead where for art thou Bob

he was so rad he was a boxer at one point in his life he built a log cabin he built his own fucking log cabin in the woods he was one of those guys that just lived it and then by the time he taught philosophy he was just so inspiring i liked him he hooked up with one of his students though though. They got married. I was never funny in high school, but I was really good at making funny cartoons. Really? Because I was an artist. Oh, that's cool.

Because I wanted to be a comic book artist. That's what I really wanted to be. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like a comic book illustrator, so I'd draw those kind of things. And I had this one teacher that was a Vietnam vet, and he was a little cracked. He was just a little cracked. And

you know, one time someone asked for a pencil and he pulled the fucking drawer out of his desk and threw it across the room with the pencils in it. And we're all like, holy shit. And so I would always draw this guy. I would always, he was a short guy, shorter than me and I'm short. And I was always draw this guy standing on a stool. So I drew, I always drew cartoons of him, always he was a short guy shorter than me and I'm short and I was always draw this guy standing on a stool So I drew I always drew cartoons of him, but he was always standing on a stool And so he he said to me once he goes what is that what he got there I go It's I drew a cartoon of you and he goes. Oh you mother you looked at it Oh the stool I got cuz I'm short great, but he took it like He goes, oh, the stool. Oh, I got it because I'm short. Great.

But he took it. Like he was laughing. He was laughing. That's huge. Yeah. I got kicked out of another class because I drew this Spanish teacher without her makeup on. Because she had crazy makeup. She had so much makeup on.

So I just put her dress with the head of a werewolf. Oh, that's great. I was 15. I thought it was funny. That's great. It's subversive thought it was funny. That's great. Subversive. I got kicked out of that class. I bet.

And then there was another lady who is an anthropology teacher. And she was fascinated by all the chimpanzee studies and all these different things that people were doing. That you love. That's your wheelhouse. And so there was this kid in class who was a high school football player who was a real ass kisser. And he was like so obviously like sucking up to her to get better grades.

And so I drew a cartoon of him banging her monkey style. I would get in the class early and I would draw them on the blackboard. And then I would pull the screen down so that behind the screen there would be a cartoon. It's amazing. I got kicked out of history for that one. That was Mr. Holman. Mr. Holman did not like my cartoons of him. Ew, dude.

Did you make it through high school? Yeah, barely. I used to have nightmares when I got out of high school that I failed and I had to go back. Because I didn't want to be a high school dropout. I just wanted to get out. Just let me get out. Let me get out. And I got out of high school that I failed and I had to go back. Because I didn't want to be a high school dropout. I just wanted to get out. Just let me get out. Let me get out. And I got out of high school.

And then I went to college. I went to UMass Boston. And I went for three years. But I only went because I didn't want people thinking I was a loser. That's really, you know. I didn't even, most of the time, I didn't even have a full course load. I was just wasting my time there. I wasn't paying attention.

I just was, it was, I thought. I was just wasting my time there. I wasn't paying attention. I just was, it was, I thought it was something that you had to do. And this is when I was still competing. And then I was still, then I was doing standup. And when I was doing standup in the beginning, it was like, God, I'm fucking terrible at it. How could I imagine that I could ever have a career doing this? So I was keeping my options open by still attending college, but it was just a giant waste of time yeah i i enjoyed formal education i think for me because i studied philosophy and i love to read those books and i look back at it really fondly because that's the only four years of my life

or it's actually five i took a year off where i could really just sit and think and smoke cigarettes and get weird and think about the world you know know, and it taught me how to think clearly. That's important for people. Yeah. I'm worried about that experience today for kids because I worry they'll be ideologically captured. You know, they're like there's so much woke nonsense on colleges these days that I don't think it allows for diversity of thought. I agree. The progressive nature of so many colleges,

it's just like a natural inclination that young people have towards being charitable and kind and doing better than their parents did and stomping out discrimination. All those things are good instincts. But those good instincts sometimes prop up really fucking divisive and shitty behavior because you're you're you're limiting the way people can approach things so it's your way the highway and maybe someone is

smarter than you and they have a different perspective that's the issue I take with all of this it's okay some of the said the inclinations are noble right but I think you cannot censor other people don't tell me what the fuck to say and also maybe listen maybe that guy's got a good argument I think you cannot censor other people. Don't tell me what the fuck to say. And also maybe listen. Maybe that guy's got a good argument. I think that's what's dangerous in academia is they're kowtowing to these crybaby weenies that can't take the other side of the argument. Like what the what is a safe space? What are you talking about? Trigger warning is so stupid. It's also there's no real representation of alternative viewpoints. That's what's conservative viewpoints and colleges it's a weird thing because i know there's some

intelligent conservative people but it seems like they all go into business they all go yeah you know yeah it makes right you know i'm saying yeah they really do because the the conservative liberals are the ones that want to blame you know white privilege and the reason why black people don't hike whatever it is you know some whatever crazy shit that they're involved in and grievance studies. You know, that was, I don't know if you ever paid attention to it, but Helen Pluckrose, James Lindsay, and Peter Boghossian out of the University of Portland, is that where they were? They put together these false studies, like homoerotic behavior in a dog park and rape culture in a dog park.

Like, no kidding. Like, they wrote these fake things like, oh, fat bodybuilding was one. They wrote a paper, peer-reviewed paper on fat bodybuilding. It was, like, reviewed and rewarded. It actually won a prize. Oh, my gosh. So they wrote these fake papers to show how ridiculous academic studies are. A lot of the way you guys are approaching these subjects is beyond parody, so much so that parody is indistinguishable.

You can send these parody studies, these parody papers, and people will not just review them, but they will award you for them. That's amazing. So these guys all got in trouble for it. That's amazing. Helen's actually in England James Lindsay's been on the podcast a few times And Peter's been on as well And they all got

You know like in fucking deep shit Peter wound up leaving the university Lindsay has become like sort of an online guy He's just an online commentator And I've had him on a bunch of times A brilliant guy But they Instead of recognizing that there's a real problem with these

things so much so that someone can make a parody and it's indistinguishable and really funny parody. Pull up the dog park one because it's so funny it's so funny it's also the way that they reviewed it they must have been so accepting that they didn't even they didn't even realize that the amount of time that he said he watched dogs fuck at a dog park is physically impossible. Wait, and here's my favorite, is that they integrated these words like queer performity. Yes, yes. That's just so great.

Look what it says. Expression of concern. Human reactions to rape culture and queer performity at urban dog parks in Portland, Oregon. It's fucking amazing. So they studied this and they said that they put in, I think they said they put in an impossible amount of time. Like you would have to be there every day for 10 years. And they're like, yeah, good.

Amazing paper. Queer performity. What the fuck did you just say? What is queer performity? What's queer performity? I don't know. It sounds like a buzzword. It sounds like inclusivity, performative aspect.

They're not queer. They're dog rapists. They're dog rapists. They're raping each other. Dogs just hold each other down. Dogs try to hump you. They don't care. They grab your leg and start fucking it. dog rapists they're raping each other dogs just hold each other down dogs try to hump you they don't care they grab your leg and start fucking it dog rapist is fucking amazing i mean they're all they all just pile on each other it's horrible you see those little dogs they're trying to get away my dog used to get raped a lot at the park fifo he was a rescue he

didn't have a good instance but he was a he's fucking idiot yeah but um but but so so when i studied philosophy in school we started with like the greeks and then you go into modernity and you learn and the enlightenment and then at the very end of my i went to a usf so it's a jesuit college so it's very steeped in like traditional whatever colonial ideas whatever the male white colonial tradition the evil male white colonialism yeah uh but all very logical very rational i learned about logic and how syllogisms work and venn diagrams and then at the very end of my education in the last year we learned post-modernism and it was all about this stuff like there's's no meta narrative. There's a bunch of little narratives and everyone has their own experience. And, you know, Jacques Derrida were writing in the margins of the book.

And I remember my professors being like, OK, so here's postmodernism. It's a little fucking nutty. It's not going to take off. It's the fucking stupidest thing you've ever read. But we have to let you know about the stuff before we let you go. And it was an afterthought to my education cut to 20 years later and it's the dominant way of thinking and it's so illogical to somebody who's learned proper logic and western philosophy and you're like wait this is the stuff i was told is complete horseshit yeah and now it's

like the we're in the upside down and there's no men and there's no women and dogs are rapists and what do you think caused that what do you think caused that to take over i think it became sexy i think a lot of these post-modern thinkers became public icons like your dairy does and your um i love this guy baudrillard he was very cool the French I think I think it became sexy to know these buzzwords it became cool so you you teach kids something cool and then they run with it and then it takes they like forming good sentences that sound intelligent it's very satisfying I know I was watching this girl on tiktok describe how going on a diet is fat phobic. And let me break that down for you. Sure. And she breaks it down. Yeah. And like, but you know, she's saying it like in this kind of like condescending, but educational way. Let me break that down for you. This is why going on a diet is fat phobic. And she's explaining how like you

should just exist. Like you shouldn't just, you shouldn't go on a diet because if you go on a diet, you're giving into fat phobia. Like, diet, you're giving in to fat phobia. You're not trying to be healthy. Ignoring the science of health, but enforcing the ideological principles of wokeness. The dominant male patriarchal archetype that tells you that you're fat and everything.

I love it when they string all those words together. It's just gobbledygook. It's just nonsense. It's blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. My favorite is like, I'm non-binary. My pronouns are fairy weathered. I'm also a da, da, da, da, da. And pansexual. Yeah, yeah.

I'm pansexual and non-binary. Whee. Must be fun. Nobody cares. You get to coast. You get to be in the LBGT community with little to no effort. You don't have to blow anybody. Right?

You just say you're non-binary. You don't even have to fuck guys. You could have sex with girls, just like normal, and be non-binary. And you're in. You're in the LBGTQ. See, that's why I think it's wrong. I think you should have to suck dicks to say you're part. You know what I'm saying?

If you're going to claim. What if you're A? What if you're A? Which one's A? Asexual. Oh, then, you know, suck a dick. They let them in too. That's not fair.

People don't even want to fuck. That's the thing. Who wants to fuck more than gay guys? And they're in that group. That's what's crazy. They must be like, how come you guys aren't fucking as much as us? Like all they do is fucking up a storm. I know.

Gay guys have the most fun. They fuck up a storm. So it's them. They're at the top of the fuck pyramid. Yeah. And then you got everybody else underneath them. God, could you imagine how much fun it would have been like a gay guy before the AIDS? Well, yeah. Pre-AIDS.

Obvious. Yeah. Even like, okay, like late 90s pre-woke. We had a hold on HIV. Things were calmed the fuck down. Did you ever have a time where you were worried that you could have caught it

all the time from the time I from 1984 until I got married because they they put the fear of God into us yeah

remember that shit remember when Magic got it I do Magical Johnson got it I remember being in my car driving listening to the radio and they announced

that Magic Johnson had HIV. And I was like, oh, my God. I know. And he's still alive. Looks great. And Cookie stayed with him. Well, he got the right medicine. You know, they use those protease inhibitors.

No, I don't think it's AZT. AZT was the one they stopped using because it was killing them quicker than AIDS was. Oh. But he got it and had money. AZT was a complicated one. I think the history of AZT and HIV, that's a long one to go into. But the protease inhibitors, I think, were the big drugs that helped people. They get to the point where they don't even test positive for it anymore, which is wild.

It's amazing. Yeah, it just clears it out of their system. Jeff Scott had it. I know. We used to share joints with him with no fear. I know. Imagine. Because when I was in the 90s, I was so scared.

I thought of times that I had sex without a condom on the road. Like if I had gotten someone that had HIV and they gave it to me and I didn't even know and it has a 10-year incubation period. I remember there was fear. Terrifying. Road beef. I know, dude it has a 10-year incubation period. I remember there was, like, fear. Some road beef. I know, dude. Terrifying stuff.

You know, when you're 22, 23 years old, you don't make the best fucking safest choices when you're out there. And then all of a sudden I'm taking an insurance test to see if I've got HIV. I'm like, oh, my God, I was fucking terrified. I know. Because when I was 23 or 24, like, you thought everybody was going to die of it. I know. That was the thing.

We were, like, waiting for the shoe to drop because it was that 10-year incubation period they scared you with. Yep. AIDS is a 10-year incubation period. So for 10 years, you could be fine. And then all of a sudden, it starts. Oh, no. AIDS. Well, I remember in the beginning, they thought you could get AIDS from cat saliva.

And my mother was like, don't pet cats because the saliva gives you AIDS. Do you remember about mosquito scare? Yes, I do remember the mosquito scare. Mosquitoes could give you AIDS. Mosquitoes might give you AIDS. Oh, my God. Everybody was scared. I remember when Tom and I did South Africa.

Like a decade ago. And he goes, I'm such a dick we're like just try like what's the most offensive thing you could say and he goes up

and he's like who here doesn't have AIDS and people clap like I don't have AIDS and you're like oh they were so and so he said that

on stage oh my god who here doesn't have AIDS oh my god it was so funny you know they really And you're like, oh, they were so. And so you said that on stage? Oh, my God. Who here doesn't have AIDS? Oh, my God. It was so funny. You know, they really do think that HIV came from someone. The monkeys.

Someone that had contact with a monkey. I do know that. And here's the deal is that I say that to people and they're like, you're out of your mind, Christina. I'm like, no, it was believed that a guy had sex with a monkey, right? No, they don't think that anymore. Oh, okay. No, they think it was from butchering a monkey. Oh.

Yeah. They think, you know, when they're cutting up monkeys for bushmeat, and they do do that, that they might have like had a nick in their hand or get the blood in their hand. Like you can, if you're living in the jungle, you get scratches all over you, right? Yeah. If you get blood from this HIV infected monkey on those scratches okay well the theory what about the gay flight attendant who had butt sex with the monkey I don't think that's real I think that's like the Richard Gere gerbil rumor it's probably

or the Rod Stewart stomach pump you imagine how much you have to hate somebody to spread that rumor? And then you gotta go on the radio and go, I just wanna let everybody know I did not suck all those cocks and have to get me fucking stomach pumped. And like, Rod Stewart is such a cocksman, nobody is like, oh that guy's gay. No way. Well, sometimes it's a trick, right? Sometimes they pretend to be a coxswain. They really just.

I didn't even realize that. Oh, my God. Remember, like, growing up, we all thought that Liberace wasn't gay? I never remembered thinking he wasn't gay. Oh, I bought the narrative. I think I didn't have a narrative on him. You know, I didn't think about it because I don't give a fuck about a guy playing the piano. Unless he's Jerry Lee Lewis or Billy Joel. You didn't have a poster of Liberace in

a young Joe Rogan's room. But, you know, Liberace's early stuff is bizarre. Really? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell me. There's a song called When Liberace Winks at Me. And it was like a famous song where a woman was singing and Liberace was just playing the piano and he would look over at her and wink and chew it like so it was like her pretending that she was in love with Liberace that she's a giant fan of Liberace and Liberace pretending that he's seducing her winking at her and the whole song is when Liberace winks at me and you know we're gonna play I kind of like it. No, we're going to play it right now. And we have to think about it from the context before we play it.

You got to think about it from the context of the time. I mean, this is like, what is this, like 1950 or something like that? I love this. This is before gays existed. Well, they couldn't be out, that's for sure. No, no, of course. Can you play it? I was trying to answer the question when it was because it wasn't playing.

Oh. I'm going to guess, I'm going to say 55. Can you imagine having to do these ridiculous videos to pretend that you're into women? Well, I mean, that was the only way. And back then, you couldn't, you know, there was nothing you could do. So sad. Is it Peggy King? Is that the woman?

She's featured in it. Can you just play it? Yeah. Is it Peggy King? Is that the woman? She's featured in it. Can you just play it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's fun. It really is. I haven't heard of this. I'm so excited. It's a window into another world.

So he's on TV playing piano, and she's sitting alone in her drab apartment, bored out of her fucking mind, and he's playing piano. Oh. He winked stop stop pause there's got to be a better version of it this is terrible it sounds like shit look how there's another version i've heard that sounds pretty clear look how beautiful people were back even when her cigarette yeah she. Sitting there smoking that dirty cigarette. I don't know.

I loved her. And her hair rolled up. Yeah. Just so elegant. Do we have another version that sounds... That sounds fucked, right? Didn't it sound fucked to you? Yeah, but I had no way to know that.

Yeah. All right, let's just play it. We're dragging it out too long. But when you watch it, you've got to think about this, like, 1950s, whatever it was, scene. Look at her cigarette. Totally normal to have a cigarette back then. I know. Pregnant women.

Pregnant women. My mom smoked with me. Drinking? Of course. Yeah. Low birth weight. It was good. Yeah.

Look at her. She actually kind of has a LBGT hair style going, doesn't she? Look at her. My beaver seems... Oh, I thought you. My beaver seems. Every fiber in her being seems to quiver. Oh, I thought you said my beaver quivers. That too. Watch this.

Oh, my gosh. That's what happens. Watch this. You see the clink? You see he winks? Yeah. He's got like a spark. When he winks, it gives you a little star where his eye is.

That was heavy duty special effects. Somebody had to go in on those frames and like make the star over his eyeball. But you know, this is the studio being like, all right, guys, we all know Liberace. Watch the wink. Oh. We missed it. Oh, fuck. Look at her sitting there.

What's her tiny desk? I don't know, but she's hot. So weird. Oh, fuck. Look at her sitting there. What's her tiny desk? I don't know, but she's hot. So weird. She's gorgeous. When was this again? I don't know, man. I'm just taking a guess. It looks like the 50s or 60s.

I think it's black and white, which was... When did color TV start? What was this? Because they didn't have music videos. It wasn't a music video. Probably a television show. It was probably a television show. I don't know.

It said Peggy Lee, right? This is Peggy Lee? Isn't that what they said? She's Peggy Lee. Oh, Peggy King. Is that what it says? Yeah. Not Libby something.

Because you know this is a PR move of like hey we know that Liberace is into guys we have to completely shift that so no one gets a whiff that is of course could be yeah for sure it could also just be like that's the kind of music they made back then yeah I don't think that was like even if you told people like if Liberace butt fucked a gymnasium full of football players it doesn't, like who are they going to tell? Go ahead, tell anybody. You know, there's like NBC, CBS and ABC and that's where Liberace lives.

Spread your rumor. He's out there with fucking giant sequins on, banging guys. Did you see the movie with Matt Damon? Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. Kirk Douglas as Liberace

so good amazing there's a few parts of my favorite the favorite is when he gets so much surgery that he can't sleep with his eyes

closed yes and then number two when he makes his lover Matt Damon look like a younger version of him yes

he made him get a chin implant yeah is that true yes yes it's real oh I went down a rabbit hole. Joey Diaz had one of the best bits ever about that.

About that documentary. It's a fucking amazing bit. There's no real F-A words again. I love when he says that bit. I wish I could remember all the bits. The parts of the bit, but the point is that all happened.

That was real. Oh oh yeah he really did get that guy to do that could you imagine fucking you're like i want to fuck a younger version of me how narcissistic i mean do you do people masturbate into the mirror like american psycho i bet liberace's jack went off in front of a mirror before wild yes Wait, that's so weird. See if you can find the actual guy's face from behind the candelabra, Liberace's lover who got plastic surgery. Is that him? Yeah, that's him. Or is that a wax figure?

No, I think that's him. But as time went on, he got more and more surgery. Like he got his chin done to look like a Liberace. Stop. Yeah, wild. he got more and more surgery like he got his chin done to look like a Liberace stop yeah wild Liberace's there with a fucking penis pump

just sending it home every day he died in 88 huh yes wow he got out just in time I remember when he died my mother was devastated

and she was so surprised that he was gay I'm like oh look at the doctor Roblo was the doctor. The California diet. Yeah. The pills. So good. What is the actual guy's face

after surgery? See if you can find the actual guy's face. Because he had some wild surgery. He was on one of those television shows, one of those talk shows. He was on they were talking to him about the film and was this accurate was this really what Liberace was like and he's like telling a story you looking at his face he's like fucking yikes oh buddy oh yeah see

so you see his chin yeah that's like an artificial chin. He got his chin done to look that's fucking wild. I mean, the dude made him get a chin. You think his chin is so sexy? Well, you're going to get one too. And he just made him. Poor Scott. Fuck Scott. He's like...

Take your lumps. That's the life he chose. Would you do that for a lover? It's like, how far would you go for a good life? First of all, if Scott was a woman, I'd feel bad. Oh, but he's a guy. Fuck a guy. Would you do that for a lover? It's like, how far would you go for a good life? First of all, if Scott was a woman, I'd feel bad. Oh, but he's a guy. Fuck a guy. Fuck you, Scott. See, why do we think fuck the guy? That makes me sad.

Well, it's just how it works. I know, but I have, listen, I have tremendous here's the deal. My husband's out doing all the work right now. He's out doing arenas. He's in a different city every night. I get to stay home and sleep in our bed. That's great.

Who won? You know what I'm saying? Like, really. Are you in competition with each other? What the fuck are you saying? No, I'm saying it's societally. Oh. Well, there's not a, you know,

you're winning if you enjoy your life. No, I know. You clearly enjoy your life. I feel bad for him. He clearly enjoys his life. Yeah, but he chose to do this wacky tour. I know. It'll be over, and he'll never do it again.

But I hate that men, you know what makes me sad is that men die early. I think I heard on your podcast a million years ago, like their brains atrophy and they get like a- Trying to make me feel bad? It's all your fault. And it's Joe Rogan's fault. Yeah. They die early.

Well, you're very sympathetic to men, you know, but women have a lot of fucking problems, too. I know, I know. We all do. Everyone's got it. Humans, we have to do a lot better at taking care of ourselves, Christina. You're right. We need to exercise. We do.

And our minds, too. I know. All of the above. And don't eat the phthalates. Don't, well, you're going to get those no matter what. Don't microwave stuff with plastic on it. Not good. That shit's in your body, for sure. That shit's in your body for sure.

That shit's in your body. Yeah. What do you got there? What's that? Oh. There's a recent study they were just doing. They've been able to detect microplastics in the blood for the first time. Oh, fuck me.

In people's blood. And everybody's got them. They say you have so much microplastics that I think it's every week. It might be every day you eat a credit card. What? No, no, no. It's not a year.

I think it's more than a year. It was weird. It was a weird number. You might be right. What do I have to do? I have to grow my own food? I want to say it was like a month. I want to say it was like a credit card a month. Every week? Yeah, see, it's not a year. It's a credit card

every week. Imagine that. So a credit card. When you were saying it, I was like, he's probably right. It's probably a year. And I exaggerated. And then I'm like, no, I don't think so. That's how nuts it is. It's so nuts that knowing it's true doesn't help me. I still can't imagine I'm really eating a credit card worth of plastic every week.

Is it the plastic bottles? It's in everything. It's little microplastics and they slowly accumulate. It's in drinking water. Everything. Shellfish, beer. I mean, it's fucking nuts. It's in everything.

So these microplastics are, we've infested the world with microplastics. Cool. And that's phthalates. That's where the phthalates are coming from. That's where all this like a lot of this gender bender shit is coming from too. I remember that lady. Do you know what's so funny about the gender stuff by the way? Five grams of plastic per week. The equivalent of

one. Oh fuck. Don't tell me that. Like all my old school gay friends like people my age that I've grown up with, I'll be like, what do you think about this whole gender stuff? And they're like, it's fucking bullshit. You know, like, my older gay dude friends are like, nah, I don't buy it. I'm not into it. That's crazy.

And I'm like, well, I trust you. I don't know. Maybe it's just a way to, like, be different, you know? My favorite was when Caitlyn Jenner didn't believe in gay marriage. I was like, that is hardy ha ha ha that was hardy ha ha ha ha she's changed her tune since yeah she believes in it now good but i think she was a kind of staunch republican at one point i think maybe still because yeah she's still republican she's hilarious i follow her on Instagram. It's like when Kanye has the MAGA hat on, no one knows what to do. I don't know what to do.

The world's topsy-turvy. Do you think the world, every generation thinks the world is ending. Are we just aware of it more now? No, things are happening. There's things that are happening that could set in motion actions that could change civilization forever. There's a lot of those things. There's evidence of real corruption that's ignored. There's real threats of war, including nuclear war with Russia. There's real threats of some sort of a cyber war with China.

with Russia. There's real threats of some sort of a cyber war with China. Like there's weird environmental problems that some people tell you don't have to worry about and other people tell you they're going to kill everybody. You know, there's a lot going on now. And then on top of that, you have natural disasters. I mean, there's six, every six to 800,000 years, Yellowstone blows. And when it blows, it's a continent killer. It's a continent killer. It's going to wipe out almost everything on this continent. And the last time it blew was 600,000 years ago.

And they have hundreds of earthquakes there. Hundreds, thousands even in a year. I think they said they have hundreds of earthquakes every month. That's how many earthquakes they have at Yellow earthquakes every month. Like that's how many earthquakes they have at Yellowstone.

The ground is constantly rumbling. There's geysers you can time because there's so much volcanic activity that the water shoots up at the specific amount

of these increments. Old Faithful. I've seen that in cartoons. I've been to Old Faithful. Yeah? That's fucking boiling water shooting out from underneath the earth.

But that's a volcano. You know, they didn't even know about that until they flew satellites Faithful. Yeah? That's fucking boiling water shooting out from underneath the earth. But that's a volcano. You know, they didn't even know about that until they flew satellites over it. Really? Yeah, they flew satellites over it and they realized it was a caldera, which is, what's left is like the enormous crater of a volcano that was, I want to say it was like 300 kilometers wide. So it's an enormous volcano and it blows the top of it off and it's just left with a crater. So when it blows, it just kills everything.

It kills, California's dead, Nevada dead, Oregon dead, everyone up there dead, everyone's dead. Yeah, if it blows, everyone's dead. Like all the way down to Florida. And they're going to die too. They're going to get eaten by alligators or something. Everyone's fucked. What about us? Are we safe in Austin? No, no, no, no, no, no. If that thing

goes, nobody lives. You literally have to be living on New Zealand with some sort of a supply of food. Those kind of things. They don't just kill people. They send the planet into nuclear winter.

So they stop all the sunlight from coming in. So the temperatures drop and then food doesn't grow and you have massive famines. It takes years for the shit to come out of the sky. You know what's crazy, bro, is how fragile all this is. Super fragile. I think about, and especially because I watched when Elon,

when he's on here, and he's like, we're going to go to space because we have to go to the next thing because Earth will be, it's fragile. It's fragile.

It's really fragile. And I think even with the pandy, you realize like, oh, government's not going to take care of anything. Like, yeah. You call it the pandy too. Didn't, oh, that's Santino. take care of anything. Like, yeah. You call it the pandy too.

Oh, that's Santino. The demi. The demi, that's right. Hotep called it the demi yesterday. Yeah, you realize how ridiculous, how tenuous this all is. Society and like, oh, I trusted the government more before this pandemic. And I'm like, oh, this is bad. Yeah.

I'm not going to trust anybody. Yeah. I'm going to move to Texas and buy some guns and buy some land. I'm getting off. I'm done. I didn't think about whether I had to trust the governor. Right. But they didn't have that kind of power over your life.

Right. And then when all of a sudden they did, you're like, what? And then you realize when you hear that Eric Garcetti guy talk on TV, like, oh my God, you're a moron. You're the mayor, rather? Oh my God. And you're full of shit. You said you took a photo with your mask so you held your breath.

Shut the fuck up. Yeah. You'd like to think that people in those positions are smarter than us or just like superior people. And they're not. They're just dipshits like us. Some of them are great and some of them are only doing that job because most smart people don't want it. Yeah.

Like if you had all the people that are working as CEOs and engineers and all these like really brilliant people, if they wanted to be president, they'd have a far better argument than most of these dullards, most of these fucking weirdos. There's a political class of people in this country that are basically bad actors. That's so true. They're like fucking weirdos. They're weirdos with like fake stances on things and they have these weird outbursts on Twitter and they're just fucking strange people, man. outbursts on Twitter and they're just fucking strange people man and they're out there and they're running at least part of how the cultural conversation

takes place I know could you imagine there's no weird or like wanting to be what a nightmare Oh or be Speaker of the House remember when Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi got on their one knee for George Floyd with African garb on? That's who those people are. That's who those people are. And it turned out that the pattern that they used was from a tribe that was particularly invested in the slaving industry. Yeah.

That's fucking amazing. Of course. That's what happens when you fucking pander to people. Yeah, that's a thing. But those are the only people that are running for that job. That's what happens when you fucking pander to people. Yeah, that's a thing. But those are the only people that are running for that job. That's the thing. If you had some genius person, the genius people go to work for Google. Yeah.

The genius people go to work for Facebook. They're doing their own thing. Yeah, well, they start their own businesses. They don't want to invest in this broken ass system and have a bunch of people lie about them and have this bizarre cult of personality ritual takes place where you're literally having a popularity contest to see who runs the city. I know. It's so stupid.

And then who was I listening? I forget where I read this. That 51% is a landslide. A landslide. So half of humanity hates you and then 51% have to like you. It's just bananas. And no matter who wins, if it's a Republican, they're going to take away our rights, they're going to take away this and take away our abortion.

If a Democrat wins, they're going to tax us and they're going to let the illegal aliens in. They're going to ruin our economy. The jobs are going to go away. It's so exhausting. But I love it here. I love it here so much better. I do too.

This is a great middle ground because it's a very progressive, open-minded city, but it's surrounded by guns. And I kind of like them now. And I grew up very, very, very Angeleno, and I didn't realize what a bubble it was culturally. Not that I still fucking mad respect for 818 always, but like- 818 till I die. bro always like i love la but now that i'm out of it i'm like oh okay no one gives a shit about the stuff they care about like out here it's just it's not they're trapped in a mind virus right now so there's some kind of a hysteria yes yeah friends that i have that come here to austin and then they come for

a couple days they're like dude it's like i'm in a different world yeah la is a lot better than it was it was a lot better this last time that i went than like seven eight months before that yeah the previous time it's not their fault it's not the people of la it's the government it's the government if they had lived the same way that texas did um you would have the same amount of people dead yeah well so that's most likely so i was on dr phil's podcast yeah and he said that he's like there's some study out there that did the mortality rates on like florida texas california he said that the outcome was the same which is devastating especially when when you adjust for age. They were trying to say that Florida had more deaths, but you have to adjust for age because Florida's age is relatively high.

A lot of retirees go there. It's not good for anybody. That fucking disease is not good for anybody. It's not good. But it's also not good to lose your fucking business. And it's a respiratory illness. And they've never been able to control respiratory illness from spreading. And this whole two- to stop the spread shit

didn't work and then it became two months and then it became, you can't dine outdoors because of optics. You know, that's really what it was in LA. Didn't make, there was no science at all showing that there was outdoor transmission. And they were arresting people for fucking paddle boarding.

Remember that? No, but I- They sent a boat out to arrest this dude for fucking paddle boarding. Remember that? No, but I sent a boat out to arrest this dude for fucking paddle boarding. So silly. Yeah. There were the coast guard was arresting a paddle boarder. But even now I was just in LA. Everyone had COVID.

Everyone's got it. Yeah. It's like, it's guys. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah.

Well, we're going to be okay. Or we're not. Why we're not? Or, or Yellowstone blows. And that's the? Or Yellowstone blows and that's the least of our worries. But that's the reality of natural disasters, asteroid impacts,

alien invasion. You've got real shit to worry about. Not your fucking pronouns. You needy bitch. Yeah. Fucking pronouns. So it's Mom Jeans. It's available right now. It's on the Netflix. Thank you. All right. So it's Mom Jeans. It's available right now. Thank you. It's on the Netflix.

Thank you for having me. Look at that. You look like a woman from like the 1970s or something from a television show. That's what you look like. You know what I wanted, Joe Rogan? I wanted to transcend. You did transcend. Today because the world sucks.

They did a great job on your set. Isn't that gorgeous? It's very nice. Where'd you film this? New York City, the Gramercy Theater. Ah, fuck. It's beautiful. Yeah. And John Irwin. Damn. It's my EP. It just very nice. Where'd you film this? New York City, the Gramercy Theater. Ah, fuck, it's beautiful. Yeah, and John Irwin is my EP.

He just crushed it. You look great. Thank you. I wanted something beautiful and something funny. You got both. I say a lot of crazy shit. I say a lot of inappropriate stuff that's going to get me in a lot of trouble, and I don't care. Well, you're one of my favorite comedians alive.

You're one of mine, too. I adore you. I adore you. Let's wrap this up. People want to of mine, too. I adore you. I adore you. All right. Let's wrap this up. People want to get a hold of you on the Instagram. At the Christina P. Christina P.

The Christina P. The Christina P. And what else? Twitter, Christina P. YMHstudios.com. Listen to your mom's house. You got a Danny Brown show now. Oh, I love Danny Brown. I love it.

I saw the clip on the Instagram. I'm like, that's one thing that's cool about what you guys have like a whole studio. He makes us laugh so hard. Danny Brown's a cool guy. You got to come to YMH Studios, bro. Check it out. I would love to. Yeah, anytime.

Anytime on there. That's it. Bye, everybody. See you soon. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. you