The Joe Rogan Experience - #1821 - Bert Kreischer & Tony Hinchcliffe

Episode Date: May 19, 2022

Bert Kreischer is a stand-up comedian, actor, and broadcast personality. He’s the host of “The Bertcast” podcast, and co-host, along with Tom Segura, of the “2 Bears, 1 Cave” podcast. Tony Hinchcliffe is a stand-up comedian, writer, and actor. He's also the co-host, along with Brian Redban, of the podcast and live YouTube show "Kill Tony." http://www.bertbertbert.com/  http://www.tonyhinchcliffe.com/

the Joe Rogan experience so what so explain so bogey what's the best is like what's a pro level golfer scratch there's scratches if if you're like pro level I would know it's a pros difference so he's not playing from the tips. Oh, by the way, cheers, gentlemen. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers, gentlemen. I miss you guys.

Hell yeah. So we should talk about how this podcast came about. Not me and Bert. Bert and I got stem cells today at Waste Well. Shout out to Brigham. And then we got something to eat, got some barbecue, and we were driving, and I see this yellow Corvette, and I go, is that the great and powerful Tony Hinchcliffe? It's me at a red light.

And I go, what are you doing? He's like, nothing, chilling. I go, come do a podcast with us. And so we're here. I saw the car and I was like, God damn it, that's the car Liam wanted. It was a fucking badass car. They're dope.

You guys are cool with cars, man. I wish I had better taste in cars. Move here, you will. It happens naturally. What's wrong with your taste in cars? I am an old man. I like a sedan. A big bodied sedan.

Sedans are nice. With a nice cool dark interior. Like a chocolate interior. You know what you should get? What? A new Cadillac. The car I wanted that I really liked was when they came back out with the Continental. Oh.

They came back out with the Continental. I said, that's my car. I went and drove it, and it didn't feel solid to me. Well, get a Mercedes. I got a Mercedes. Do you? Yeah, I got whatever the one is. You get the S-Class?

Yeah, I think. I don't know. You don't even know what you have. I don't even know what I have. I know it's the big one. You know, the big one. The big one. But like I said, one time I told someone it was AMG because the wheels say AMG.

Right. And then they were like, and I fucked up and it turned into a drunk fight. Like, bitch, you didn't get an AMG. And I was like, yeah, I think I did. I don't know what it says AMG. I don't know what the fuck I have. So I just got it. Tom's guy got it for me.

So you just don't have any interesting cars. You wish you had an interesting car? I do because I look at like, it looks fun. Like, it for me. So you just don't have any interest in cars. You wish you had an interest in cars? I do because I look at like, it looks fun. Like it looks fun. Like when getting in your car today, I was like, that would be fun to have this. Yeah, it would be. You should get into cars. Is it getting in the way of your drinking?

Well, number one, I don't drive much because I do drink. I never have driven to the store. So as I heard someone talking about the parking rules at the store, I was like, who drives to the store? And I literally said that. I was like, I get an Uber to the store. Right. I have some cocktails.

Right. And I Uber home. I'm really a stickler about drinking and driving. Good for you. I don't drink and drive at all. That's smart. Yeah. And so, like I said, I wouldn't mind a Sprinter.

Sprinter van. Yeah. And a driver. I'd like a driver more. We talked about, Jamie and't mind a Sprinter. Sprinter van. Yeah, and have a driver. I'd like a driver. We talked about, Jamie and I talked about, yes. Jamie and I talked about taking one of those Sprinter vans and turning it into a mobile podcast studio. Steve-O has that. Does he?

Yeah, Steve-O has it. Steve-O's podcast is pretty fucking awesome. Yeah? He does good fucking interviews. There's a thing. Smart guy. He's a smart guy, and he has this thing where he kind of I don't know if it's past life of not seeing

consequence, but he doesn't have a problem asking a very uncomfortable question. And he doesn't have a problem telling a good story that may be too much. He was telling a story about him and Pony sharing a chick one time. He's got Joey Diaz in there. Yeah, he's great man. And he's like one of the best two Bears guests, Bears we've ever had is Steve-O.

Really? Yeah, I showed him my dick. That made it a good show. It was fucking – Steve-O is like fucking crazy like that. Like he's fun. Yeah. He's just a fun dude. I'm amazed at how healthy he is considering all the shit that he's done.

I mean that guy has beaten his body up in a way that very few people have and still he's okay like he seems fine he's walking around it's crazy yeah he's brilliant i watched his uh special that he made and he mixed in actual like his own written jackass style stunts into his thing into his stand-up and like there's like parts where it goes back and forth and he does some of the funniest jackass style stunts i've ever seen he does this one where he's bicycling around like an actual pro bicyclist but but instead of wearing the tight black shorts he just painted his entire like penis and balls and up to his knees blatantly black. And he's talking to people naked.

He's naked. He's naked. And he keeps crashing his bike right around people. And people are like, oh, my God. And they want to catch him and stuff. And then they see it. It's so funny. He brought me over to his house.

When he was doing that, he was like, hey, man, would you come over to my house and help me with my special? And I was like, I don't understand what the fuck he's talking about. So I go over. And he's got his special. But his special, he's also got these great clips. He's got a clip. He tells a story on stage about swallowing an ounce of marijuana in Europe and it getting stuck in his throat. And then him having to go into the, I'm not going to tell his own story. It's his special.

But he's got some fucking crazy stories. and I'm sitting there watching it going like Really thinking I mean I should have done this why didn't I do this for travel channel? I have great stories of travel channel and show the footage tell the story. Yeah, it's like really good He's a solid dude man. I'm glad he got sober. He's one of the guys you go I'm glad he got sober yeah me too And then I look at people that got sober and I get bummed out. Like who? Like Brad Pitt. I'm like, I wish you still partied.

Didn't he get sober though because of his relationship? Wasn't that probably one of the reasons why he was drunk? She was mad at him. Yeah, I guess. I don't know.

I don't know him. Tommy knows him. They're buddies. There was like a thing where something happened on a plane. Or a private jet that had to stop

to avoid the stop because he was... He was too drunk? Yeah, I think his... I'm not going to speak for Brad Pitt. I'm trying to get out of the business of talking shit about people. Really? Dude, I've done it a lot.

It's boozing. Yeah, I know. Once you start boozing, the lips start flapping and the words start flowing freely. Like last night at the Vulcan. Yeah, that green room was a hot tea. Hot tea was served.

I love a good gossip session. I do too. It's important. But there's just so much gossip flowing around these days. It's intense. It's almost like too overwhelming. Yeah. Like you look at some of the gossip going around and you're like,

I'm going to need like half a day to sit and watch like four podcasts to figure out what's going on. I just can't. I'm so balls deep into this Amber Heard, Johnny Depp podcast. It's not a podcast. You know, the trial. I can't stop. Yeah, my dad too.

I was watching today. Today, her attorney said, I'm doing my best. And she took a deep breath. Her attorney, her attorney is in the middle of the whole thing. She's like, I'm doing my best. In the middle of questioning. Oh, my God. She's just giving up giving up she's like this is fucking done like i've got a crazy person as a client yeah i i don't know anything i know that she said that he beat her up and he said that she beat him up right well

he has recordings of her admitting she beat him up. There's no recordings ever of him saying that he beat her up. There's no evidence that he beat her up. There's no images of her battered and bruised like she said. She said he punched her in the head, and then the next day there's photos of her, and there's nothing wrong with her, and he always wears rings, and that's one of the things they confronted her on. They said Johnny always has rings on all of his fingers. Where are the marks on your face?

She's insane. The best part though was her lying about donating the money to the ACLU and the Children's Hospital. She said, yes, I pledged the money. And they go, no, you said you donated the money. I did pledge the money. You said you donated the money. That's

not true. That's incorrect. I pledged the money. And she keeps saying that I pled donated the money. That's not true. That's incorrect. I did. I pledged the money. And she keeps saying that I pledged the money. She's a literal insane person. She's nodding. See if you can find that clip and play it because it's so bonkers. So let me get this straight. She is the whole reason this is happening, correct?

He is suing her for defamation because she wrote a whole article saying that he beat her and she kept coming out and saying she wrote a whole article saying that he beat her and she kept coming out and so like saying she's a victim of domestic abuse it's a 100 a smear campaign and so theoretically she could have just said hey it's not working out can i have a hundred million dollars i'll go my own way i don't think she got a hundred she got seven but oh yeah he wouldn't have given her a hundred or whatever whatever i don't know the laws. They weren't married for that long, man. She got $7 million, which is incredible. I'm not sure if this is it.

I just wanted to make sure before I play it, sort of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Just play it right there. Give me some volume. ...a liar, making it impossible for me to move on. Look at her face expressions. By doing so.

Yeah. So that I wanted the truth. I wanted him to clear my name and to leave me alone. I've been saying that since 2016. So why did you donate 3.5 to Children's Hospital and 3.5 to ACLU? Well, I pledged the first half or 3.5 to Children's Hospital. No, this is the wrong one because this is her attorney. You want to get his attorney, which is a woman.

Her name is Claire, and she was cross-examining her and crushing her. It was hilarious. It's hilarious to watch because she's saying, stop, that's not what I said. That's not what I asked. I asked, did you, in fact, not donate the money? She says, that's not true. I pledged the money. That's correct.

She kept saying, I pledged the money. And said, that's not true. I pledged the money. That's correct. She kept saying, I pledged the money. Then she made this analogy. She said, when you buy a house, you don't pay for it all at once. You get a mortgage. And it's like, you're not buying a house. You're donating the amount of money. She said, well, I couldn't because Johnny sued me. And then they said, but Johnny didn't sue you until 18

months after you got that money. It's so wild. She's so crazy. Yeah. Is this the right? Yes. Yeah, yeah. Back it up a little.

Back it up a little. That's correct. No, back it up. Back it up. That's correct. You stated you would be donating. So in October of 2018, you had received your entire $7 million divorce settlement. You agree with me?

That is correct. That's good. Right here. And you hadn't yet been sued by mr depp this is uh october correct so in this october 2018 interview you said that you had quote donated end quote your entire divorce settlement to charity, right? That's correct. And in fact, your exact words were, quote, $7 million in total was donated to, I split it between the ACLU and the Children's Hospital of Los Angeles, end quote, right? That's correct. I made that statement as soon as I got a divorce and we reached the settlement. That's when I pledged it right then. Pledged it.

And you say this because you quote wanted nothing end quote that is correct but you hadn't donated your entitled entire seven million dollars settlement to charity at that point had you that's incorrect here it goes sitting here today miss heard you still haven't donated the $7 million divorce settlement to charity. Isn't that right? Incorrect. I pledged the entirety of this settlement, $7 million to charity, and I intend to fulfill those obligations. Ms. Hurd, Ms. Hurd, Ms. Hurd, that's not my question. Please, try to answer my question. Sitting here today, you have not donated the $7 million, Sitting here today, you have not donated the $7 million, donated, not pledged, donated the $7 million divorce settlement to charity.

I use pledge and donation synonymous with one another. But I don't, Ms. Hurd. I like how she's not looking at her. She looks at everyone else. That's how donations are paid. Ms. Hurd, respectfully respectfully that's not my question as of today you have not paid 3.5 million dollars of your own money to be a healer yes or no i have not yet and as of today you have not paid 3.5 million dollars of your own money to the children's hospital of Los Angeles, correct?

I have not yet. Johnny sued me. So as of today, you have not donated, paid $7 million of your divorce settlement to charity, right? I have not been able to fulfill those obligations yet. And that's because you did want something, didn't you? I didn't want anything and I didn't get anything. You wanted Mr. Depp's money. Didn't get it, wasn't interested in it. I loved Johnny, that's why I was with him. You wanted praise for donating the money, right? That's incorrect. You wanted good press. Yeah. In general, one does want good press, yes. You wanted to seem altruistic publicly.

Wasn't my interest. My interest is in my name and clearing my name. And at the time, I was being called a liar, and my motives were being questioned. I did see it as important to clear that up. I wanted to make a statement to make sure that there was not any doubt that I couldn't be labeled these things just because Johnny was a bigger star and had more publicity. She is looking at the jury. You wanted to remind everyone of your claims of domestic violence against Mr. Depp, right? No, I wanted to move on with my life.

You wanted to make those claims seem believable. They are believable. claims seem believable they are believable they were wanted them to be seen you wanted to be seen excuse me as a noble victim of domestic violence i have never never wanted to be seen as a victim nor have i ever called myself one you testified on your eyes that quote the entirety of your divorce settlement was donated to charity end quote didn't you that's correct i pledged the entirety no miss heard my questions your council will have time to redirect you after you testified under oath quote the entirety of your divorce settlement was donated to charity

end quote that is correct i pledge the entirety i'm going to need to strike everything after yes all right this hurt this is really inappropriate i'll sustain the objection and we'll just move forward. Thank you. Let's move forward. Next question. Under oath, that statement wasn't true, was it, Ms. Hurd? I'm sorry, I don't follow your question.

Sorry. Wow. Wow. You testified under oath, quote, the entirety of my divorce settlement was donated to charity, end quote. That statement wasn't true it is true i pledged the entirety to charity the statement when you say you buy a house you don't pay for the entire house at one time you pay it all the time all right next question please thank you that statement isn't true today as you sit here today, is it? It is true. I pledged the

entirety. But you didn't donate. I wish I had Amber. Unfortunately, you didn't donate it. It's a yes or no. I haven't been able to obligate. I mean, to fulfill those. So that's a no, right, Mr. I made the pledge. I want to be very clear. I pledged the entirety. I haven't been able to fulfill those pledges because I've been sued. you had all of the seven million dollars for 13 months before mr depp sued you and you chose not to pay it to the charities you pledged it to is that correct i disagree with your characterization of that let's look at your sworn testimony from the UK. Dude. His face when she said that was pretty funny.

What, the lawyer where he's shaking his head? When he hands her the note and he's like, hey, you might want to put this in there. Yeah, well, he was letting her know that she had that money for 13 months. I need one of these lawyers when I fight with my wife. I get tripped up so easily. I think we get it. I think we're good like here's the problem

is that here's the problem well you're drunk you get tripped up oh yeah when I'm not drunk I get tripped up by the way

if I had a lawyer that could pull up shit I've said on podcasts it was like one time you were on two bears one cave you said you caught a rattlesnake when you were a child

and I was like okay alright hold on okay I was fucked up. Like, this, these, they have every, you have to be 100% accountable. They have everything you've ever done.

They have teams researching everything you've ever done. She is fucked. She's fucked because here's the problem. When you be, I think, I've seen this happen with other people. When they get famous, they think because they got famous and they did that magic trick, that they're one of the smartest people in the world. I've seen that happen to people where you go, you still aren't smart. You didn't get smarter.

You just can act good. Right? Yeah. And that's what's wrong is Amber Heard actually believes she's a really brilliant person. So she thinks she's smarter than everyone in that room not realizing that the fucking eight that's running the the the cross-direct The you know Aaron heard the ten that eight is a smart motherfucker and run circles around her Well, she has the truth on her side. That's the thing It's like you you can be smart as fuck

but if you are on the witness stand and you're talking about something that is as clear as you had money you didn't donate the money you said you donated the money but it's not true and your your work around is i pledge the money yeah and she's doing this i pledge the money and then she looks at the jury this weird nodding it's like you could tell like actor stuff is what it is this is what thinking looks like yes she can act like a smart person and she's trying to do that on the thing She's got no one on her team that's ever been straight with her right no one she lives in a fucking make-believe world She beat the fuck out of Johnny Depp for sure and then thought I'm so smart with what's going on in this world I'm gonna throw him under the bus

They're not even ask a question and then I can do aquaman too and now she has fucked up her career yeah when she could have just been yeah it didn't work a score separate ways right and she would have still had a great career a great career i yeah i liked i liked amber heard even when they broke up and by the way i'm a rider diver from johnny depp i still have a voicemail from him i'm not gonna delete and switch phones I recorded it on my new phone. So like she fucked everything up. Yeah, she fucked everything up. Yeah, but she didn't think she was going to. She thought with the way the public treats women in divorce settlements, if you say that the man was abusive and you say that the man beat you,

it's so crazy, man. It's so crazy to watch. And it's so crazy, man. It's so crazy to watch. But this is probably the first public thing where a guy who's a famous guy and a girl who's a famous girl are in a spat and the guy's winning. We've never seen one of these before. Oh, never, never. Never. Cosby's probably going to be going, I wish I had Johnny's team.

Well, he's out. Cosby's out? Yes. Why? Do you escape? Don't mind me. I'm just cleaning up over here. That's the worst Cosby impression ever.

I'm bad at impressions. Hey, home and home. That's like Huggy the Bear. Yeah, he was released because, I remember correctly, the statement that he made, there was some sort of a settlement that he had and part of the settlement was he would give this woman the money and he would make these statements but the statements could not be used against him. Yeah.

So he made these statements. Am I saying that right? Because the prosecutors violated Mr. Cosby's rights by reneging on an apparent promise not to charge him, the court majority ruled. Okay. So the district attorney in Montgomery, Pennsylvania outside Philadelphia issued a news release saying

that he had declined to charge Mr. Cosby over the matter. Mr. Cosby then sat for depositions in a separate lawsuit against him by Ms. Constand, where he paid her $3.38 million to settle in 2006. But a subsequent district attorney reversed Mr. Castor's decision and charged the entertainer with assaulting Ms. Constand after all. In the trial, prosecutors used what Mr. Cosby had said in the deposition, his admission that in decades past,

he had given quaaludes to women in an effort to have sex with them as evidence against him. So that was it. So we hold that when a prosecutor makes an unconditional promise of non-prosecution and when the defendant relies upon that guarantee to the detriment of his constitutional right not to testify the principle of fundamental fairness that under grids that due process undergirds rather do pro i don't even know what that word is undergird you ever heard that word no due process of our law in our criminal justice

system demands that the promise be enforced. So they let him out. Jesus. I would love to hear Cosby be 100% honest about drugging women. I think he can. I think it's like OJ. We were talking about this last night, that if you talk to OJ, I came home and I went to the airport just like normal. Everything was normal. And then when I got to the airport is a

mr. Simpson we want to talk to you about the murder of your wife well what my wife was murdered huh I mean I was in shock I was despondent if I bet if you talked to him he would have this He was talking about the Buffalo shooting the other day Really? Yeah he was like sending his condolences Twitter world And he's giving his condolences And the comments are the best

Yeah there he is Oh yeah But the comments were like We know how against you Against multiple people dying in one location you are. He got new bottom teeth, it looks like. Did he? It looks like it.

I love when people get new teeth and then it's like all you can see. Yeah. Those are brand new. Oh, he got all new teeth. Nice teeth. You think you'd ever do that? He's like, how white do you want them? He's like, I want them cheating on me with a

Cheating on me with a Buzz boy white Kind of white you could cut the neck off of You know what I'm talking about, Doc? Oh, Jesus You watch a movie and white teeth just pull me out I was going to get my teeth done before I'm good right now

I was going to get my teeth done before I did the movie What were you going to get done? done i was gonna get all new teeth all new teeth i already have well first of all all my teeth are fake i got hit in the mouth of a baseball bat when i was 11 and so yeah yeah damn yeah uh i have i have who hit you in the mouth of a baseball bat i don't know the kid's name is it an accident uh no yeah it was an accident i was playing catcher it was a pass ball i took my mask it was a pass ball. I took my mask. It was my 11th birthday, too. Took my mask off, threw it down to third base, and the kid brought the bat back, hit my mouth,

cracked all my teeth back to my molars. I ate a baseball bat. Let me see your teeth. Wow. They look pretty fucking good. They're a fucking mess right now. But they look good for fake teeth. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They look like real teeth. And so I was going to get them redone, but they look good for fake teeth. Yeah. Yeah. They look like real teeth Yeah, so I was gonna get him redone and my wife's like no She's like no one be able to watch your goddamn movie cuz I'll be looking at your teeth You don't you'll look weird with brand new teeth. She's probably right. Yeah, so I kept regular teeth Conor McGregor got new teeth They're fucking so obvious. Yeah, shiny pearly white and people like God look at his teeth. They look ridiculous I'm like look good. Yeah, look at new teeth. It's not. I'm like, they look good. Yeah. Look at the new teeth. It's just teeth, you know? It's like there are these hard things you chew food with.

Like the obsession with getting the ones that you're born with only seems a little odd, you know? You want to know really dark shit that I found out from Duncan? George Washington had fake teeth from slaves that he owned. They pulled the teeth out of slaves and made him molars and made him dentures rather. Fuck. Fuck. So look at George Washington's teeth.

Like find this. So, you know, George Washington had like this crazy setup. Those were teeth from his slaves. I thought his teeth were made of wood or something. No, it's wood around it. That's wood holding it in place. That from his slaves. I thought his teeth were made of wood or something. No, it's wood around it. That's wood holding it in place. That's his teeth. That's what it looked like with springs.

Oh, fuck. So he had those springs in his mouth. Is that why his mouth was always like, look at that photo of him down there. Look how his mouth sticks out. He's trying to hold his teeth down. Oh, my God. That's so nuts. The springs kept the teeth in his mouth

holy shit dude that's him down there with no teeth and a mouthful of slave teeth fuck fuck that's evil imagine him coming home smiling at his slaves and they're like yeah those are my oh my god that's so crazy look at that That's what his teeth looked like and they were all pulled from slaves Dammit I didn't how can we never learn that in school? Like for real why are we learning that now on the internet? It's not like that if it was a new story broke No, it didn't he's been dead for 300 fucking years. How is it possible that this is coming out now? You just need a cool history teacher. Like, Duncan would be a cool history teacher.

I don't know. Do you think? I mean, obviously someone knew that. Otherwise, it wouldn't be out there now. So it must. What grade do you learn that then? Because you can't teach that to a seven-year-old. They're like, what?

What does that mean? Maybe you should. When did they teach kids about slavery? Oh. Well, yeah, I guess. Yeah, you learn about Maybe you should. When did they teach kids about slavery? Oh. Well, yeah, I guess. Yeah, you learn about slavery pretty quick. Right. Slavery is almost, I mean, it's basically pulling a slave's teeth out and slavery are both horrific.

There's no, like, one better than the other. They kind of whitewashed. I kept slaves, but I never pulled their teeth out. Like, Jesus Christ, you imprisoned a human being and robbed them of their literal life and made them work for you forever But they white they kind of whitewashed slavery up until roots came out Like they didn't really dive into just how bad it was from what I from what I've heard until roots came out roots was the first Representation of what of them when they crippled Jody yes, and they broke they hobbled him because he kept running away I cut the top of his foot off, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I think that was the first time that America was like, I think was like had an open, honest conversation about slavery. Yes. Like, we have some explaining to do. Yes. And that was probably one of the first times where reparations was brought up. Yeah.

That was probably one of the first. one of the first times where reparations was brought up. Yeah. That was probably one of the first. Because there's companies that to this day, in their original origin, like when they were around during slavery and they had slaves, they profited off of slaves, and they're still around. Those companies made a profit that was the foundation of the business that they enjoy today, and it came from slavery.

If anybody should pay reparations it's those people right it's the same with germany yes they've used the jews to blow up big companies that are still around today what's the dude that did all the outfits vidal sassoon or something what who did all the outfits this is the dude that did all the outfits it's uh gucci one of them it is it's a big one what are you saying yeah they did all the outfits. Gucci? One of them. It is a big one. What are you saying? Yeah, they designed the Nazi stuff.

Oh, my God. Really? Hugo Boss. Hugo Boss. Oh, wow. That's why the Nazis look so fucking dope. Really? Their outfits are fucking, out of all the villains' outfits, that has been the standard

prototype for what a villain should look like. No doubt. I did not know that Hugo Boss was around back then. Yeah. Big five-name fashion designers who had ties to Nazis. Whoa. Coco Chanel. Whoa.

Louis Vuitton. Christian Dior. Christian Dior did their deodorant. Who was the other one above that? Above Christian Dior? Louis Vuitton? Balenciaga? Yeah.

I don't know what that is. Jamie knows all that stuff. You hear how he says it so comfortably? Balenciaga? Like he's been saying it a lot. I'm so stupid I see a word like that, and I just go, it's too big for me to say. I'm going to guess it. Yeah.

Well, dude, when I do the post-fight or weigh-in interviews, rather, weigh-in reading people's names, I'm fucking terrible at that. Because some of these names, I'm just learning for the first time like guys who are making their debuts. Some of them, they argue over how to say it. Like everybody argues over those. Sometimes. There's a few that I've noticed that literally their names evolve and change and stuff. It's crazy.

Hasan Minhaj, I'm saying his name wrong now. Are you? I'm certain I am. Because he went on like Seth Meyers and was like, yeah, everyone's been saying my name wrong the whole time. Oh. And it's, I think it's, I think there's an, I don't want to fuck it up because I like the guy. But like, I think there's an emphasis on the first part.

It's Hasan. Oh, Hasan. Right. Menage. Well, Fedor. Fedor Emelianenko. That's not how you say his name. His name is Fyodor.

Fyodor. Fyodor. Igor is not Igor. It's Igor. Igor. Really? I forget. Like Igor?

Yeah, it's not Igor. We say Igor because we learned it as kids, as the guy that brought the thing. Igor, come get my help. But it's Igor. Oh, yeah. Well, the Russian language is so fascinating. I mean, it's so interesting Interesting like the sounds that they make you'll stay flush flush with this door, you know, it's like this weird Movement of your mouth to say all those fuel door fuel door in a little ankle. Yeah, you know, it's like

But for whatever reason they decided people can't say field or so you're gonna call it fade or but people can say Schwarzenegger Yeah, they can say Arnold Schwarzenegger that works Okay, but his is a pronounced that way it's schwarzenegger Schwarzenegger you gotta do it. I'm gonna start doing that with myself Arnold Schwarzenegger like you know, you know like Latino comics will when they bring them on stage like put your hands together for Gabriel Iglesias Put a spin on it. I want to start doing that for me.

Put your hands together. Bert Kreischer. Kreischer. Kreischer. I like it. I like it. There's a lot of shit that's whitewashed about history that you find out later, and you're like, how am I just learning now that Columbus was a cunt?

Like, Columbus was a horrible person. Yeah. And like a literal serial killer. Like, they came to the Bahamas they saw the natives that were living there they chopped people's arms off if they didn't give them enough gold they bashed babies brains out on the rocks in front of their

mothers they did horrible shit yeah shit's gotten so much better since then like when you think about the idea of being enslaved is insane to me. And what I'm saying that I'm not just talking about. I'm talking about what the Portuguese did down the coast of Africa. There was this book called something about Portuguese people.

And I listened to it on tape. And they would come down the coast of Africa into trade. And they'd say, tell the king to send out his daughter we want her and then they'd be like and he'd be like I'm not sending out my daughter like tell the king to come out here and then they would shit in his throat and Shove pork down his throat in the shit and then go back and go now send your daughter Okay, I gotta go with these people the the

Wish I knew the name of that book. What's the point of putting the poor conquerors? That's it the conquerors Roger Crowley and It talks in there about the shoving shit down his throat shit down a Muslim Kings throat and then pork pork on top of the shit cuz you're not allowed to eat pork It's kind of crazy that there's so many countries that to this day speak Portuguese because of the slave trade. Like in Brazil, they speak Portuguese. It's not Portugal. It's South America, but they speak Portuguese. And that's because of the slave trade?

It has to be. It has to be. Portugal used to be one of the titans. That was like, I mean, think about it. They got the best property in all of europe they're right on that coast spain doesn't have that spain's got to go through a fucking insula and then like out portuguese portugal had the best fucking land i think google that um in brazil they speak portuguese because of the slave trade as a result, Portuguese is now the official language of several independent

countries and regions. Angola, Brazil, Cape Verde, East Timor, Guinea-Bissau, Macau, Mozambique, Portugal, and São Tomé and Príncipe. Portuguese ranked fifth amongst world languages in the number of native speakers, is also widely spoken or studied as a second language in many other countries. So Portugal created the first and longest lived modern world colonial and commercial empire in the 1400s. Up until 1975. 1975. Wow. Wow.

But one of the ways they did this for sure is slavery. Oh, yeah. It's wild. You read the shit about Columbus, it's scary. It's terrifying. Because there's a day dedicated to this guy. Like, I don't think they do it anymore, right? Don't they call it Indigenous People's Day?

Depends where you are. But in some places, they still call it Columbus Day. That's all my calendar is Columbus Day. It's wild to give that guy a holiday. Oh, he lived in Columbus, Ohio. Yeah. Jamie and I. Oh, that? I didn't even realize that's the Columbus? Yeah.

Bro, people... That's so funny. Wait till you find out who Washington's named after. They had a full-size Santa Maria ship there for up until maybe five, six years ago. Really? Sitting on the river.

Really? Since the 90s. Oh, like a recreation? Yeah, but like full. And now it's on someone's farm. You know, a lot of those ships, they restore them. They restore these old ships. But the problem is, where's the ship?

Like, what is that now? That's a new ship. that's not the old ship you put new wood in it yeah like if you put new wood and restore a ship that's not the ship anymore yeah because it's not a house right yeah there's like this debate about that like what do you like you know that story about the the fake leonardo da vinci painting or supposedly fake, allegedly fake. There's a male Mona Lisa that's like Jesus. It looks like Jesus. And the original painting was retouched and redone by this woman painstakingly over years. So she essentially made a new painting, but the painting sold for $450 million. And MBS from Saudi Arabia, that's what it looked like when

they got it and they had to take all these layers of shitty paint off and in the process the the art investigators or whoever it would be determined that there's a high probability that this is a leonardo da vinci it's a lost leon Since then, it's gone into a lot of dispute, and there's objective art analysts that do not believe that this is a lost Leonardo da Vinci, and then there's other ones that may be connected to it that do believe it. The problem is the amount of money to be made

off a Leonardo da Vinci was absurd. So there's a certain amount of incentive for them to say that it was a Leonardo da Vinci. And I don't think it was substantiated before the auction. So it was sold to the highest bidder, which was $450 million. And then it came out, like, over time, what the process was.

And The Lost Leonardo is a documentary that I saw. And it is fucking wild to see what happened. It's essentially like they all were like, wink, wink, nudge, nudge, let's sell this thing as Leonardo. And let's sell this thing after this lady essentially repainted the whole thing. I think there's a large percentage. See what the percentage of this painting is redone.

It's a crazy percentage. Like you read it and you go, what, 90%? Like something nuts like that. It's a crazy percentage. You read it and you go, what? 90%? Something nuts like that. It's a beautiful painting, but it's really this woman who's an expert painter painting over this really old paint with

new paint. And they're selling it like an old painting. That's not really an old... You paint it on an old painting, but it's not an old painting. That's why I don't, you painted on an old painting, but it's not an old painting. Yeah. Right? That's why I don't buy art.

It's like, what the, like. You can't buy that kind of art. That kind of art is like, look at the size of my dick art, you know? Yeah. I have $450 million just slapping that giant dick on the table. What happens to those people? Why do they do that? Well, I mean, he's a prince in Saudi Arabia.

That's the least of the things that he's been accused of doing this is this is the guy that was accused of killing Jamal Khashoggi or having watching some of that a very interesting thing they were bringing up is that you can store those paintings in the like the movie tenant it's about yeah I store that ship while it's being stored there they can take out loans on that and get the loans tax-free. It's like a way of moving money. You have a $200 million painting, then you get a $200 million loan.

No taxes. That movie Tenant is so fucking awesome. It's a genius way of doing that. That's one of the reasons why I bet it's probably common to have fake paintings. Sweet. Is that what NFTs are? Just a way to move money? No, but you could definitely probably put that in.

I'm sure that's happening. They confuse the shit out of me. Dude. Yeah. I know people that have gotten rich off of them, like artists that have gotten rich off NFTs. I'm like, okay. Okay.

Okay. I mean, I'm not hating. I just don't understand it. I don't get it. I could get a photo of that and have that photo on my phone, and it looks exactly like what you have, but you paid a million dollars. There he goes. Just a quick, if you send me a screenshot of your bank account,

I don't have that money. Right, so someone could buy that NFT, and that's why it's worth a million bucks. Only because of what's tied to the back end of it. Right. Yeah, it's non-fungible, Bert Crutcher. I don't mean it's better. I'm just saying that's why it's worth a million bucks that's it only because of what's tied to the back end of it right yeah it's non-fungible i don't mean it's better i'm just saying that's it add this to the list of i'll never understand yeah it's on there i remember email was on there for a while for me i was like i remember i remember being in college and she was like so i need you for your assignment you're going to email the short story you wrote. And I remember getting to my,

sitting in front of a computer going, I was like, cut and paste. How do I cut it out of here? Like, I remember going like, do I actually cut, do I print it and then cut it and then feed it back in or something? I did, I could not wrap my head around it.

And then this poor woman, Pat McNulty was her name. She sat with me and she was like, it's an email. I said, I don't know what that is. I was like, I really. What year are we talking? 1997.

Well, that's early. Yeah. 97 was people. When did you first email people? Right around then. Yeah. Yeah, I think a lot of people weren't emailing in 97. Yeah, I remember I got an email address,

and they were like oh i got the internet i had prodigy and all i could use it for was to get the lines for the sports scores and then check the weather but i was like i just go outside i don't need to like look at the weather oh but i really didn't understand the internet for a very long time yeah i don't think most people don't understand the internet i remember getting in arguments they're like yeah one, yeah, one day you're going to be shopping on the internet. And I go, okay, you're telling me I'm not going to go to the grocery store and pick out the bread I want. I'll just go, have bread sent to my house. And now that's all we do.

You could literally say it into your phone. That's what's crazy. Yeah. You talk into your phone. Have bread delivered to my house. It's insane. We probably have seen the biggest change in technology in our lifetimes. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Maybe in human history. In human history. Yeah. In our lifetimes,

we've seen the biggest change in how people live their lives in human history. First of all, just the access to information. Just the fact that you, like my kids do it all the time. They ask Siri questions. Like they don't know an answer to something they go hey Siri you know what is the capital of the the country Georgia you know and then boom they'll pull it up like there it is like you can do that now it's that was science fiction when we were kids everyone was dumb yeah nobody had any data and the stories that people told they could be 100% bullshit because nobody could back them up. Nobody could go find them and find the data.

You'd have to go to a fucking library to investigate. There were probably so many more liars back then than now. I bet the number of con artists has gone down. I remember meeting a con artist freshman year of college. He was like a guy that just lived in lies. And he lied to all of us, and we all sat and listened. And I loved the guy. The guy was fucking fascinating his life was amazing and and then and then one day uh that was at summer school

and then people that knew him showed up to college and were like oh don't believe a word he says everything he says says is a lie oh my i've actually looked for this guy i know he's changed his name i've looked for him a couple times. He's probably got some sort of foreign name. He was a good-looking guy. Javier. Something like that. Something with some flair. Nobody ever goes with a boring white man.

He spoke Portuguese, or we think he did. We don't know because none of us spoke Portuguese. He was picking up fake Portuguese. Dude, I love it. This guy was so fun, too. What's your buddy? What's your buddy? Wow.

Hey, what percentage of the Salvador Monday was fake, was retouched? Because it gets brought up in the documentary. Are we drinking this one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This tip that 90% of it was painted in the last 50 years. 90%. 90%. Do you think they told that guy that before he spent 450 million bucks?

Would it change your opinion of say Ali Wong's a safe place Would it change your opinion of Ali Wong if you found out 90% of her act was written by someone else? Yes Yeah 100%

I'm really litigious about that I won't even take tags from people because I get weird about it because I go, I didn't write it. Tosh gave me a great one one time. You wouldn't take it? I wouldn't take it. It was awesome. It was a great one. Oh, you got to take tags.

I take tags. Tony takes tags. Of course. I had a joke about dating a black chick. I wanted to date a black chick. It was like an act out story about wanting to date a black chick and then he said, you need to start that with,

I want to date a black chick just as long as she's never had sex with a black guy. And I was like, oh, that's so fucking funny. I wish I had thought of that. What is Daniel Tosh doing? He's there actually tonight. What?

He's here tonight? Where? Let me make sure of that. At the Paramount? Or it could be this weekend. I remember seeing an ad that he was in town this weekend. No shit. No way.

I haven't talked to that guy in forever. I want to say hi to him. He's great. He's a sweetheart of a guy. He's very smart, too. Very smart. And we both just like the same people. It's fun.

It's fun to have conversations with him. Tomorrow. Tomorrow and Friday. That's dope. I got tomorrow off. Tomorrow and Friday. That's dope. I got tomorrow off. Moody Theater. The Moody. Oh, that's the east.

Oh, yeah, just tomorrow. Just Thursday. Just Thursday. Okay. Maybe you have to say hi to Daniel Tosh. I met him right when we had Georgia. I did the Miami Improv. And we're very, very different men.

You know, like the things we like. Yeah. Weird. No, weird. For real? Yeah. I'm parting my dick off and he's stone sober. Does he even get high?

No, he doesn't do anything. Wow. But we liked each other. Like we got along really well. And then I got back to LA and he called me and he was like, hey man, I want to get you in at the Comedy Magic place. And he like vouched for me and I went down. Like you in at the Comedy Magic place. And he, like, vouched for me, and I went down. Like, he's just a really sweet guy.

He's a good dude. I remember we were broke, too, and he came to play poker with me. And he came to pick me up, and I said to Leanne, hey, can I have $100? She said, we don't have it. And I said, no, I know. Give me the bank card, and I'll go get it. She goes, no, we don't have $100. And I said, babe, come on.

I just need $100. I'm going to play poker tonight. I'm not going to lose. I'll bring back the money. She goes, no, we don't have $100. I said babe come on. I just need $100. I'm gonna play poker tonight I'm not gonna lose. I'll bring back money the money. She was no we don't have it and Daniel goes I'm so uncomfortable right now He goes can I just give you $100 and I said yeah, and we walked out gave me a hundred bucks to gamble with Wow You were ready to gamble you didn't have a hundred bucks. Well. I didn't know that I didn't have a hundred bucks

I'm not I've never been on top of my finances Joe You were ready to gamble and you didn't have 100 bucks. Well, I didn't know that I didn't have 100 bucks. I've never been on top of my finances, Joe. But that's not on top of it. That's not even in the remote vicinity of your finances. Yeah. If you're down to $100 that you don't have, that's not- What's the brokest you've ever been? I've been broke as fuck. Cars repossessed.

Like so broke, all you're eating is peanut butter and garlic? Yeah, eating ramen. Yeah. Yeah, broke as fuck. It was an early comic.. Like so broke all you're eating is peanut butter and garlic? Yeah, eating ramen. Yeah. Yeah, broke as fuck. It was an early comic. It's so broke. Yeah,

just barely eating enough. You know, I would look forward to gigs. I would get gigs at Dangerfields in New York City because Dangerfields you get a free cheeseburger

and they made a great cheeseburger at Dangerfields. So I would take gigs just so that would be my dinner. I knew that I had food. The cellar was like that for a lot ofburger. And they made a great cheeseburger at Dangerfield. So I would take gigs just so that would be my dinner. I knew that I had food. The cellar was like that for a lot of people. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. That's a nice thing. That's a nice thing if you have that. The problem is like serving food at a comedy club sucks. Then the people are eating, looking up. They're not paying attention to the show. They should be watching the show. When you're serving food, it's like, I mean, it's convenient if you want to just eat something.

But really, it should be like two separate things. There's a restaurant next door. You eat at the restaurant. Then you go in and watch the show and you don't eat food in front of you. But yeah, I was broke as fuck, man. How are you going to give that to your kids? You ever think about that? You can't.

They have a different life. Their life is the life of somebody who went through that. There's no way you can change that unless you want to like subject your kids to abject poverty and like abandon them somewhere and make them treat them like shit they should have like an escape room for that for rich people drop your kids off for two weeks they just scare the shit out of them like what is this they're just eating stuff out of a poor person's refrigerator yeah kids this is welcome kids this is american cheese that's it. This is government cheese. American cheese is fucking awesome.

Oh, I agree. I mean. Government cheese is crazy. Like, they would just, you're poor, you don't have any food, they just give you a block of cheese. That is terrible cheese. Really? Yeah.

You ever have government cheese? I never had the government cheese. I always thought that was just a figure of speech. No, it's real. I don't know. You just thought it was something black comics talked about? Yeah. That's all I've ever heard is black comics talk about government cheese.

Look at Ronald Reagan holding up the government cheese. And knowing what you know about George Washington now, doesn't that make you sad? God. Look at that. Imagine chewing that government cheese with those George Washington teeth. I'm going to be thinking about those George Washington teeth for a long time. That's wild, man. That's wild.

What's also wild was those, I always wondered why his cheeks stuck out. Yeah. And now you know why his cheeks stuck out, because he had fucking springs in them. You should check out some of the podcasts that Shane and Louie did about presidents. I heard it was amazing. Shane and Louie. I heard it was amazing. They did a whole series.

Shane Gillis. Louis C.K. They go through a president. Yeah. Really? Louis C.K. knows a shitload about U.S. presidents. So much that Sager and Jetty from Breaking

Points did a whole thing on it about how knowledgeable Louis C.K. is about U.S. history. That he's more knowledgeable than him. And Sager knows, I mean, he knows everything about politics. He's like the most knowledgeable political guy or one of that I know. So to hear him say that say that that Louis CK like new shit that he didn't

even know yeah like done deep dives on the US presence Louis is smart as fuck man he's smart as fuck he's a comic it's crazy but he's smart as fuck yeah and those guys together like Shane knows a shitload about history too. Shane is a very smart guy, like an undercover smart guy. Undercover meaning he does not look like a person with intelligence. He acts like he's not smart. He acts like a big, silly, drunk goose. Yeah.

He did a podcast with us. We do that Protect Our Parks podcast. Yeah. He drank 15 beers. I've seen that before. 15. He's fun to bring on tour with by the way three hours he drank 11 on kill tony and that's only an hour and a half that's insane that's a pace boy yeah but he's good he's good in like taking a night off yeah yeah he's uh he's he's legit like because iying Machine. He's a funny comic, too, man. Very funny.

Dude, we did the Celebrity Theater in Arizona. Yeah. Phoenix. And he got a standing ovation opening up for me. Wow. Yeah, I'm bringing him on Fully Loaded. We just added him to Fully Loaded. Fuck, yeah.

That's awesome. That Celebrity Theater is tight. That's a good theater, man. He's fun, and he's a good He's a good comic meaning he he watches you he talks to you about what you're doing And he's like gives you good like hey Yeah I like what you're doing with this Louie is the same way Louie Louie came into the show

Was doing a show at a theater next to me and I texted him and I was like him I'm gonna theater next year two shows if you got one stop by Did I tell you this already? I might have told you this. Yeah, it's okay, but you didn't tell me on here. And he goes, we're backstage. And I go, hey, man, you want to go on? And he was like, are you sure about that?

And I was like, yeah, man. I don't give a fuck. You're my friend. You've always been nice to me. I'll stand behind you. Please go on. I didn't realize he was saying, are you sure about that? Because he's like, do you want me to go in front

of you and then you're gonna have a fucking pretty big hole to dig out because I'm Louis fucking CK. And he murdered with 10 minutes of pedophile jokes. And I got on stage and I could not, I was like struggling. They are my fans. I rip my

shirt off and they're like, it's not Louis though. Wow. There's a special kind of thing that they do, right? They love my fans. I rip my shirt off and they're like, it's not Louie though. Wow. There's a special kind of thing that they do, right? They love that shovel. Like 20, 30 year comedy bets. I just had Joe just went up before me in Phoenix. And I was saying to the guys in the green room, I'm like, you hear that? That's an extra little volume.

Oh. There's an extra hit when you know you're burying one of your buddies it wasn't supposed to be there it was a guest i was a guest set so when i went up it was they were extra excited because they didn't know i was going to be there and i told him he could do as long as he wants so he's got a 30 minute shovel i'm about to do in an hour i'm like oh you killed though yeah we had yeah you'll find your pacing after those but it I'm about to do in an hour To my god You'll find your pacing after those but it definitely reminds you how much better other guys are like it really Like that Louie think when we started booking fully loaded. They were like who you want. I was like obviously I tell I

Remember them and it's the same thing. They're like, where are you gonna put him in the lineup? And I was like fuck I was like, can we have an intermission? put them in the lineup and I was like oh fuck I was like can we have an intermission and then so I was like fuck it add as many comics as we can and we'll just go one chunk intermission another chunk and just and it's gonna be it's gonna be hard because you got murderers top to bottom well that was the thing with oddball right because there was a lot of guys that didn't even like each other right and they were all touring together because they had to be on this one show with like 20 comics it just didn't work because there other. Right. And they were all touring together because they had to be on this one show with like 20 comics on it. It just didn't work because there was a bunch of different types of comics. Did you do oddball?

Yeah. I never did oddball. I was supposed to and they pulled me. They pulled you? Bottom of the barrel of my life. I remember that more than anything. What happened? What did they pull you?

They, I don't know. I just got pulled. I remember I was talking to Tom. This is right when we were doing the fat shaming thing. I get fired from Travel Channel, right? Leanne's redoing our house. I'm supposed to do oddball. I clear out my schedule No note. I'm just doing oddball for the next four months three months I remember being on the phone with Tom and I was like and I was like they pulled me and he's like oh shit Man, I'm sorry. That's a lot of money. I said oh, that's not that much money and he goes what I

Was like yes, I mean I was I was getting two grand a show. And he was like, Oh, you weren't getting two grand. He goes, Nope. What are you getting? He goes, I'm afraid to tell you. I was like, just tell me, he's like, is this going to fuck up our friendship? I was like, I had to sit and think, I go, can I hear this? Can I hear? Cause it may. And I'm like, it'll be five grand. It'll be five grand, 10 grand tops. And he told me. And it was much, much more than that. And I was like, holy shit.

And it put in perspective where I was in stand-up comedy. Where I was. It's just because you hadn't been doing it. You had been doing the Travel Channel. I've been doing Travel Channel. Yeah. But you rebounded nicely. I bounced back.

You figured it out. Fuck yeah, dude. You figured it out. I mean, dude. You figured it out. I mean, I remember having those conversations with you. Like, you shouldn't be doing this. You know, it's short-term money with no end. There's no, like, goal that you could reach where it's worth it. It's like you're always going to be working for somebody.

You're always going to be doing something other than stand-up comedy. And you're going to be trapped. There's no way out of that. Yeah. And, you know, fortunately, you had balls, and you fucking went for it. I was telling Tom yesterday, we were talking about just how, like,

how when the algorithm just doesn't make sense. When you're not succeeding in comedy, you're like, what do I do? How do I get people to my shows? I remember sitting back at the bar at the improv, or at the store with you, and you were like, you need to get a netflix special and i remember just going like how and you're like be undeniable and i was like that was the only thing that made sense to me was like every time you step on stage stone sober be undeniable stone sober murder top to bottom

no prisoners be undeniable and i remember going I wrote that in my joke book be undeniable everywhere and then you get the one spot you get this fucking Netflix special and you and I'm and I was like oh my my mantra was be undeniable this will be the best thing you've ever done I told the girls goodbye I went on the road three months straight before that special. Every fucking day. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday. No tour bus. Flying from city to city. Just doing that hour. Running that hour.

Running that hour. Rethinking the hour. Listening to people. All I thought about was that fucking hour. Because that mantra, be undeniable, was in my head. That's my mantra for everything. People can talk all kinds of crazy shit. But when you're undeniable, they can't say anything yeah you could you could break through you can do anything you want if you get to a point

you get to a skill level you get to you know a refinement of this creation that you put together that is just rock star people can not like it because there's a lot of amazing shit that people don't like they just have different tastes but as to whether or not you're competent, whether or not you're doing well, you just have to be undeniable. And as a comic, comic is, being a comic is one of the rare, legitimate meritocracies. Like, if you fucking

kill, people want to see you. And they want to come back and see you again, and you make them feel good. And as long as you're not an asshole, like to other comics or to booking agents where they don't want to use you like fuck that guy i don't care if he's funny that can trip up careers and it's tripped up a lot of people's careers but other than that if you're funny you fucking make it you just keep going and it finds a way everything works itself out if you're if

you're funny yeah it's uh it's kind of a cool business to be a part of because it's almost like panning for gold, I think. Because all I do is think about jokes. That's all I do. All I do is ever. Ideas are so much fucking fun. Yeah, I like panning for gold, right? Neil Brennan said

that he thinks of ideas as like fish that he catches in his net. And the net is the joke book. So it's next to a river and there's a bunch of fish going like fish that he catches in his net. And the net is the joke book. So it's like he's next to a river and there's a bunch of fish going by and he just catches them. He writes it in the notebook. The notebook is like a net.

It's so fun to, like this is why I went up on stage drunk last night because it's fun. No, you were there drunk. I was. You showed up drunk. I showed up very drunk. Yeah, you didn't have like a,

this wasn't like a decision. No, no. Well, I could have just said I don't want to do it, but I'm bored of my act. I was with my parents. I was like, I'm bored of my act. I'm bored of my act. And I was like, I need to go up drunk and try and fuck it up a little bit. Because if you fuck up your act, you're forced to think in the moment and then read.

And that is how you can fucking find solves for stories. Yeah. And so I have one story that does have a good ending, and I need to find the ending, and I was like, I'll find it in there somewhere, and I didn't. Yeah, but that's the thing, man. Just keep putting yourself in that spot, and you'll find it. You'll figure it out.

There's many times where there's a new thing that's happening, and I'll just talk about it. I'll just go on stage. As long as I know I have material before material before material afterwards and I dig myself out, I'll just go, let's see what we got out of here. You never know. Cause you're in that weird performing mindset and you can't recreate that. You can't recreate the feeling of all these people watching you and you being back up against the wall pressure and you're thinking on the fly. Yeah. Hard to do. It's so great though when you get the thing,

when you get the, when you stumble on it. I don't, what do you think's better, okay? So, you figure it out on stage that first time and you know

the next time it's gonna murder, you don't do it that first time, you figure it out and you go, oh fuck, as you get off stage

you go, I figured it out, I'm gonna do it. Is that the better feeling or is it the next time when you do it for the first time and it works? I think the first time a bit kills.

Like it's a brand new bit. Like there's been times that I've had an idea in the day and I sit down and I write it out and then I maybe write it on a piece of paper and I've gone on stage and it murders and it is the wildest feeling. It's like it's so much better than any. I have bits that I know I'm going to hit them and it's going to be boom. I know where the punchlines are. But then there's stuff like that that it's just like it's like a gift from the universe. It didn't exist before. And now you have it.

And now you go up and do it. The first time you ever kill the joke is the greatest feeling in comedy. It's because you're laughing at it you're you're you know it's funny to you it's like you're just hearing it you know you're hearing it out loud for the first time really because like when you come up with an idea it's in your head you're like oh how do i phrase it and then you write it out and or maybe you you know you say it to somebody and you go tell me what you think about this but when you go on stage with it and it murders for the first time, this is the first time the audience is hearing it.

It's the first time you're really performing it, and you'll think it's funny. So it has this extra crackle because they know you're laughing too. There's nothing worse than the fake laugh. The fake laugh is horrible. The bad fake laugh in the comics on stage. The worst. And they do it every time they do the bit like we know it's there's times when you're saying something you're just feeling it and you're having fun you just laugh yeah but it's a it's a real laugh but that if you're fake

laughing with every other bit like that might work if you're in row 10 yeah you know what i mean it might work and if you're in row 30 at a comedy club. It's not going to work in the front row. The front row people are going to be like, look at this fake laugh. How weird is this? God help you if they see you twice. Yeah. Fake laugh twice in the same spot.

Right. I can't if you do one of those. I can't. Let me get through this. I can't. I'm cracking through this. I can't. I'm cracking myself up so much right now. There's some people that are really bad with the fake laugh. It would make some comics angry.

They'd go, oh, the fucking fake laugh, and they'd walk out of the room. Oh, yeah. Have you ever done a table read and they do the fake laugh? Yeah. The worst. Or a run through and all the writers laugh really loud at the bits that they wrote. Like they're trying to like give you support. So they're laughing along with it in a supportive weird way.

You can tell who writes the joke based on who's laughing. Yes. 100%. Without a doubt. And it's one of the things like that made me hate writers rooms made me want to get out of there i'm like oh this part sucks like the coming up with jokes and making each other genuinely laugh in the moment like something breaks on the news and you guys are just and cracking up that part's amazing but yeah once you do the first read in

front of the execs back then, like it's just a nightmare. I'm like, oh, this is all fake. This is all nothing. Like a bad joke has the same value as a brilliant joke now if everybody's laughing the same. Right. You'll never know what the good stuff is.

Yep. Isn't it weird that laughter is so contagious that they use fake laughter on television shows to let you know where you should laugh? Yeah. How weird is that? Have you seen the ones where they pull the laughter out? Oh, like of the Big Bang Theory? Yeah.

It's amazing. And they pull the laughter out and it's just awkward. It's madness. It's madness. It's like, what kind of art form is this? This is so strange. This is like you're showing me some weird, deluded world that doesn't exist, where people have like, they're like three-quarter people.

They're not like 100% people. They're missing a lot of their emotions and the weird, like everything's flat. Flat and strange. And everybody talks in like these, I'll say something, then you say something. Then I'll say something, then you say something. No one talks over anybody. There's no stumbling of words. Yeah.

It's so weird. Andy Kaufman had beef with it all the way back then. Yeah. I remember him saying like, that's the laughter of dead people. And to think that it stayed one of the main sources of comedy entertainment for so long after that. Well, it kind of still is around, right? Miss Pat does it with a live audience. She's probably the only one doing it well right now.

Miss Pat's show is awesome. It's a very good show. It's awesome. It's a very good show. I was, like, legitimately impressed. Because, you know, when your friend does a show you're like i hope it's good i watch your show and she wanted to come on with the executive producer who's a really young guy yeah really smart guy he knows a lot of shit about like old hollywood and movies but um when

i watch her show i'm like this is a good fucking show like this it's you know it's good that it's on a streaming platform too because it'll show that it grows there, and it'll get a chance to take legs, but that could be anywhere. As a matter of fact, I think it might be somewhere else. I think it might be going to Netflix. It's on Paramount+. Is that what it is? So whoever owns BET, which I think is Paramount+, now it's on Paramount+.

Oh, that's what it is. Okay, cool. But the world of those shows is an odd world man there's so many egos and so many ideas have to like come together in a perfect convergence to make a show and then everybody wants to take credit for it it's like it's all so weird man and then you have the weirdness of the actors like they want to be billed on the on the like when they read the credits that's important like what number you are I remember I was over Callan's house once and he had this actress lady that he was having relations with and she made a snide comment about someone being like the fourth

name on a sitcom like the fourth name on a sitcom. Like the fourth, you know, like, I don't know what the term is. The fourth lead. Is that what it is? The fourth lead? Is that what they say? I think that's how they describe the order.

Whatever it was, when they were reading off, like, that was her insult about this person. That, pfft, please. He's the fourth lead on some sitcom. Like, they don't even read his name first. They read his name fourth. I'm like, that's an insult. Like, she's an out-of-work actress.

Yeah. She's not working. She's probably working as a waitress. But her insult was that there was this person, and they don't read his name quick enough when they read the names out for the stories. So there's this whole weird social hierarchy to the show. It wasn't like everybody's name on the show, Tony Hinchcliffe, Bert Kreischer, Joe Rogan, all together, one picture.

No. It's like Bert Kreischer. Tony Hinchcliffe. And if you got fourth, it's like nobody gives a fuck about you. They could write you out. You could die in a car accident. You're not necessary for this show actors are uh actors are are crazy yeah i mean just not amber heard she's fine she's she is the ultimate crazy lady that's like an interview with bigfoot like look we got one

like we got there it is there it is this is what we've been telling you about this is a real one i mean imagine what it has to be like to only do that the imposter syndrome has to be completely overwhelming you didn't write anything you no one you someone else told you how to do that they bent your motion look this way chin up let's do it again do Do it slower. Take a pause between this. Nothing is under your control. But I don't think they get that. I don't think they get imposter syndrome. Well, imposter syndrome is the opposite way. Imposter syndrome is

like you become super famous and super wealthy and you're a football player and you don't believe it's real. You're like, they're going to find me out. This doesn't feel real. That happens to a lot. It's happened to me. It happens to lot of people they get they get successful and they they go i i'm fraud this is fake even though people love you they'll you go out and kill and you're like i feel like an imposter because it's so strange it's a new identity and that new identity is very difficult for you to

to relate to because it's not most of your life most Most of your life is Tony Hinchcliffe, regular guy from Columbus, Ohio. And all of a sudden it's Tony Hinchcliffe, you know, successful comic and you're touring and you're killing everywhere and you go on stage and they're cheering. Like you feel like an imposter. That's imposter syndrome.

What they are is just crazy. Yeah. They, they are good at pretending to be a thing. And some of them are cool as fuck. There's a lot of very cool actors. Very cool actors. Johnny Depp's very cool.

But some of them are just complete insane people that know how to manipulate and play this game and they get deeply embedded into the Hollywood system. They become friends with casting agents and producers and executives. They go to the right parties. They say the right things. They shake the right hands.

They look good. They're attractive and charismatic like her. And next thing you know, they're famous. But they're legitimate sociopaths. Like, legitimately insane people. And there's not just one of those out there. There's a fucking ecosystem of them. There's a shit ton of them.

We know some of them that are comics. There's a bunch of them. And they're psychopaths. And they're out there acting like normal people. They're like vampires just living amongst regular people, just pretending and making their way through. But they're not. They're crazy people. They steal ideas.

They backstab people. They lie about being beaten up, like this one. Yeah. You know, like this one. Yeah. That is also what happens in show business because the kind of person that wants an exorbitant amount of attention oftentimes has an exorbitant amount of damage in their life. So then I wanted to be like those people so bad when I got to Hollywood. Like be someone who knew a casting director's name or like knew anyone or went to the parties. I wanted to be like that so bad.

And I just couldn't help but be me. And who I am is not very conducive to those moments. Well, you know, back then they didn't know that you being you was an actual business model. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like back then they would go, you can't be that. You know, you're going to have to clean up your act. Because we've got to present you as something that you're not to make you more marketable

Yeah, they didn't they didn't have a YouTube. They didn't have a podcast They never venue an avenue where you could do a special, you know back then if you got a special man How many people got an HBO special? It's like fucking Eddie Murphy got one Richard Pryor George Carlin a few Kennison few people got them but it wasn't like every week you have a new Netflix special. There's so many new Netflix specials. I took a shit at a casting director's house one time. You took a shit there? Well, I had to take a shit.

I get it. And I took a shit. And fucking someone was like, they told her, and she was like, you shit at my house? And I was like, well, yeah. You have a toilet. What do you use it for? It was a party.

She was upset that you shit at her house? She was upset that I shit at her house. I was like, I don't know, man. I've you use it for? Like I didn't, it was a party. She was upset that you shit at her house? She was upset that I shit at her house. I was like, I don't know, man. I've had a few people be upset that I shit at their house. It's crazy that people get upset that you shit at their house. What a weird question. Did you shit at my house? Did you shit at my house?

What do you want me to do, just run away and go to the forest? Yeah. What the fuck do you want me to do, find a gas station? It was the party where you were all white. What's that party? It's like Memorial Day or Labor Day. Oh, I don't know. It was a Labor Day party. Everyone was all dressed white. KKK? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who the fuck where you were all white. What's that party? It's like late Memorial Day or Labor Day There's a Labor Day party everyone was okay. Okay? Yeah We're in the Grand Wizard

Did you have a cape why the mask on I was like, how did you know it was me? Yeah, people that get upset that you take a shit like what are you living in some weird little kid world where you pretend people? Don't shit. It's unfortunate Someone like if someone comes over my house and I open up the door after they took a shit, I'm like, Jesus, I don't say anything. I just go, oh boy. People do that? People shit at your place?

For sure. People shit at my house. I shit at our doctor's house today. Good. He heard it too. I took a shit and then I heard him making coffee. I was like, well, if I can hear him making coffee, he can hear this. You get any of these bombs going off?

I've taken like four shits today. I don't know what's going on. It's called good eating. I've shit here. I can hear making coffee he can hear this these bombs going off I've taken like four shits today I don't know what's going on it's called goody I've shit here I shit at the restaurant I should have doctors house my shit when I woke up welcome to Texas my friend yeah we do it here a lot of steak we had ribs today yeah it's your it's normal to take a shit if you're inviting people over your home you don't want them to use your restroom you're a weirdo yeah it was so bizarre and then right jamie yeah i mean yes are you do you have an issue with people shit in your apartment i know people have like don't use that bathroom that's you know i don't know what they have a don't use that bathroom like good bathrooms and other that's

how james brown wound up shooting at somebody and got in a um an armed chase with the cops you know that uh james brown mugshot that I have out there? That's what he got arrested for. James Brown got arrested because he was in a gunfight with the police because he pulled a shotgun out on some dude who was using his bathroom. Are you serious? Some guy was taking a shit in his own personal bathroom, and he got mad. I'm pretty sure that's the case.

Google that just in case. But I think I'm 99% sure that that's the case because I remember laughing at it. Yeah. On this day, December 15th, 1988, James Brown began serving six-year sentence for carrying a deadly weapon at a public gathering, attempting to flee police and driving under the influence of drugs. As reported in his 2006 New York Times obituary, rumors of a PCP habit had already surfaced by the time as erratic behavior came to a head in September when he reportedly

Stormed into the insurance company next to his office waving a shotgun and complaining that strangers were using his bathroom Yeah It might have been the drugs or someone took shit in his bathroom Maybe just had a thing about them doing that god. I wish I met him Someone took a shit in his bathroom. Maybe he just had a thing about them doing that. God, I wish I met him. Yeah.

He would have been a fun guy to meet. Yeah. So wait, who's on your list then? He's one of them. Prince was another one. It continues. Oh, it continues? It gets worse?

Here it goes. When the police arrived, Brown led them on a high-speed chase through Georgia and South Carolina. Oh, my God. He tried to ram police cars with his pickup truck. They shot out two of his tires. He drove on the rims for six miles. Years later, this episode would frame the 2014 Brown biopic, Get On Up. Wait, was that Jamie Foxx in there? In that?

Who was in the biopic? I don't know. Jamie Foxx played Ray Charles. I don't know. Who played James Brownopic I don't know Jamie Foxx plays played Ray Charles I don't know who played James Brown I don't know that by really Wow do you know shit I bet this is fucking good Chadwick Boseman was a talented fucking dude did you ever see the video where he gets interviewed by this woman and she's asking him whether or not? He's going to do Black Panther 2 and he goes well I'm dead so I can't and she was no don't say that he goes, but I am but I'm dead

Wow cuz he had cancer and he knew he was dying Like he was real thin at the time and he hadn't announced it to anybody. He was like smiling when he said it. See if you can find that. Whoa. Yeah.

That sounds crazy. Somebody sent that to me on Instagram. Yeah, I saw that. I was like, oh my God, this is crazy. You gotta give respect

to those people that don't tell you they're dying. Norm MacDonald. Norm MacDonald. I would be the exact opposite. Probably.

I can't help myself. I can't wait for those 3 a.m. phone calls. Should have listened to you, Joe. Here I am. You guys heard about that special you shot, right? Norm Macdonald? Norm Macdonald, yes. There's a special that's going to come out on Netflix.

Any idea when? I thought it... I don't know, man. I mean, why isn't it out already? It's him just doing it alone in a theater. What? I think. that's what i was told here it is like listen to this i'm already dead he said i can't there too anything i'm not ready for you to be dead chad but i am

oh man whoa knowing he's dying of cancer and had been for years not telling anybody and then saying that like that how unfair do you think you have to believe life is if you've worked your whole life you you change superheroes forever and then you realize i don't get to feel it i don't get to write it out well that's not a fairness bird no how i said unfair didn't i yeah it's not unfairness. It's not fairness. It just fucking sucks. You know, it's not fair for anybody to be Black Panther. You know, there's millions of people. You know, it's not fair for you to be Bert Kreischer.

There's no fair. No, yeah. You know, like when someone becomes very famous and then it gets taken away from them, it's not fair. Nothing's fair. It's never fair for you to get there in the first place. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? It's horrible. nothing's fair it's never fair for you to get there in the first place it's not what i mean like you know just what a shitty horrible it's horrible that you get you get to achieve your dreams and then you find out you won't get to see how much fun they could have been yeah what do you think about them doing a black panther 2 with someone else because people like that is blasphemy like you shouldn't do that you mean with a white guy i like it

well he's got a mask on. You can't tell. Why don't they, I mean, I think he would probably want someone else to do it. I think so. All those people that worked together on that movie. I mean, it wouldn't be, look, think about how many Spider-Mans have been. How many Bat-Mans have there been? There have been like four or five Hulks, right? Yeah, you're right, but it does feel sacrilegious.

Right, because he's dead. Because he's dead. And we didn't know about it, and the way it happened was just so like, fuck. The Spider-Man thing is kind of gangster. They just make a new one. They go, yeah, we're tired of paying you that much. We're going to get some fucking 20-year-old kid. Is that what they do?

I mean, that's what I would do. If I was some gangster Hollywood executivewood executive type guy and i was like listen listen we can pay this peter parker 20 million bucks a film or we could pay this guy a hundred thousand and make him a star we sign him to a three picture deal where he gets the same amount of money per movie and at the end of that we go hey we got this new guy named tom holland and we really think he's going to be good at the role and we're going to just start the fucking movie from the beginning they tell the whole story again just slightly different he gets bit by a spider becomes spider-man how many fucking times are they going to tell us the same story that we have seen over and over and over again well they've done it already like three or four times

with different peter park. They keep switching. I thought they were doing that because they had to make a certain amount of movies under their contract. Or they lose the right to Spider-Man. I don't know why they swap out Peter Parkers. I have no idea. But Tobey Maguire might have got tired of doing Spider-Man. And they maybe moved on. He does a lot of other movies.

I mean, who knows? No, I think they have to make a Spider-Man every year. I'm not even joking. Oh, really? Or they lose their contract to Spider-Man. Wow. Yeah, Spider-Man's in a weird place. Sony owns the rights to Spider-Man, like the character.

It's in Marvel. But Sony owns the rights in film form? So when they were going to make the Avengers, they made a trade, sort of like a sports trade, where they were like, we'll let you borrow Spider-Man for a few movies, and you'll let us do this. I forget what they gave him in exchange. So that's why that last movie was such a big blowout. They're like, it's our last movie we get to make with him.

Go balls to the wall, make a fucking crazy movie. The Morbius movie is in Spider-Man's uh world but has nothing to do with the Marvel stuff um the the new one is interesting because it's in the metaverse so they have all the Spider- Man's come together which is very weird like how strange is that and they're like all out trying to out Peter Parker each other because they're all Peter Parker they're just Peter Parker from different dimensions oh well I don't even know what metaverse is. I was going to lie to you. It's actually multiverse. It's the new Facebook.

Oh, sorry. There's differences. Sorry. Yeah, you're right. Multiverse, excuse me. Yeah, what they're doing is interesting, because they started that with that other one, the cartoon. What was the cartoon again?

Into the Spider-Verse. Into the Spider-Verse. So Into the Spider-Verse was there's multiple universes yeah and that this is one spider-man there's another spider-man in another universe and that you know you can kind of people could travel back and forth through universes that was the first time they had really uh implemented just updated it with the new doctor strange movie yeah so everything is multiverse now it's really interesting because what it does is as a tool as a writer and as a tool for the people that are creating the film it allows you to there's no timeline is locked in you can do whatever you

want you could have people come from other dimensions you could enter into the dimensions you go back and forth you could just you don't you're not locked into you know 2022 living in america this is where it's going down the aliens have landed no you go back and forth in time you disappear you come back you have other doctor strangers come from other dimensions oh wow yeah i like the multiverse it's pretty dope it's crazy have you seen that new movie everything everywhere all at once no but i keep hearing amazing things about it yeah we just saw it this past uh did you go to the movie theater? Yeah. Look at you, like a regular person. Yeah, I like it. How was it?

Tell me. It's a multiverse kind of movie, right? Yeah, it's like that. She ends up figuring out how to switch into her different lives and take different times, different lives that she's lived throughout all of time. Wait, what the fuck? And fast forward and rewind and use these things to her advantage and try to accomplish things.

It's crazy. Oh, I love time travel. Yeah, it's wild. Everything everywhere all at once. You know, that was the theory that Terrence McKenna had to the thing that's going to change the universe is that one day someone's going to invent a time machine and that when they invent a time machine, all time ceases to become linear.

So you think if you have a time machine, well, oh, I'll just go back to the time where they were making the pyramids and I'll watch them do it. That's not what it works like. What he was saying, you can't travel where there are no roads. So once a road gets built, then you can travel. So once a time machine gets invented, then anyone from the invention of the time machine forward to forever can come back to that moment and can go to any point in time from that moment to the end of time. So all time ceases to be linear. So there's no like

tomorrow will be Wednesday and the next day will be Thursday no no it's everything happens everywhere all at once so people can travel back and forth through time you can never own anything because someone could just travel through time and take it away from you when you weren't looking like like as time travel gets more and more sophisticated you can go back and forth in time while you're talking to people. If you don't like what you said, you could rewind and start all over again. If you're in an argument with your wife, you can go to the library and get information and come back and go, actually, Herodotus once said.

And then, bam, your wife thinks you're the smartest guy in the world. But it would be no normal life anymore. But there would be no normal life anymore. It would like the world itself would be completely unrecognizable because time would mean nothing. You'd be able to travel back and forth through time. All right. So then where would you go right now? Just if I do, we can time travel right now, go back in the past. In the past.

What's one thing you'd like to see again? See, that would be a different kind of time travel right now go back in the past in the past what's one thing you'd like to see again see that would be a different kind of time travel that's an unrealistic theatrical version of time travel because like you said once time is invented once time travel is invented that's the time you can start traveling so you can't go before that right okay so like here we are it's may of 2022 if time travel is invented in june we're not going back to April. You can't go back to April. But you can go from June to a million years in the future and see what people look like. You'll be able to do that. But they'll be able to come back too, and everything's going to be happening everywhere all at once. There's not going to be any sort of structure to life. There's not going to be anything in terms of money, possessions. As long as you could freely time travel, there will be no time. Everything's going to be moving around. And also, instantaneously,

you'll become immortal. Because whatever we have right now in terms of technology, what we're going to have in a million years is going to be godlike. And you're going to be able to travel to that if, in fact, that actually does even take place because the question becomes like what is the future if time travel does exist so if time travel exists in june of 2022 is there even a future like does it even take place because how can anybody invent things when they can just travel to a point where someone invented it already but how are they gonna invent it already if you can just travel to the future and do they invent things still or do people if they do invent things how does how what's to stop people from going back before them and taking the idea and introducing it before that thus there'll

be no intellectual property because there'll be no way to say you came up with it first it won't exist carlos mencio will be the greatest comedian in the world just smashing Wow that think about that is there someone working on time between machines right now there's gotta be right well there's a guy named Ronald Millett I think he's out of the University of Connecticut if you google this and he's got the craziest spider-man character origin story his father died and he became obsessed with time travel because he wanted to go back in time and save his father. So he became a professor studying time travel and he came up with a workable model of a time machine but

it requires immense immense power. That's him. Ron Millett built a device that illustrates the principles he believes could be used to build a time machine but he was one of the people that came up with the first one of the first people to come up the real is it realization or the revelation that once that time machine was invented yeah but it's I mean it is really like a comic book superhero sort of origin story, isn't it? Yeah, it's a great origin story. Yeah. So this guy has become obsessed and has been working on it for decades.

And they think they have a working model of, you know, like at least a theoretical model of a time machine. But it just requires, like like the power of the Sun. It requires immense power. I think there's a guy from, I think the early 19th century, Kurt Godel. He wasn't from the early 19th century, early 20th century, and he had a working model of a time machine too, but it involved something as large as like the solar system like you you needed a like a machine the size of a solar system or something something crazy yeah kirk odell 1949 found a solution to the field equations of general relativity which described a space time

with some unusual properties this godel universe permitted closed time-like curves, hence a kind of time travel, and it did not admit decomposition into the successive moments of time. Yeah, so he had- I didn't understand any of that sentence. I don't think I did either. I'm so stupid that if I start to realize what that means, it gives me a panic attack. As you talk about there's no anything ever anywhere or when you just mentioned the universe and I realize there is there is there is something really up there oh yeah it's not just up there

it's out there yeah it's all around you that I don't like infinity I'm that I got fucking gives me a panic attack immediately yeah it'll give you a panic attack if you if you really do stop and give it time and think about it's an amazing thing do you think that they'll be able to take like I don't know if we have to go to computer modeling but take the data of like this video for instance where these kids are in 1901 yeah and put that into like virtual reality where you could then insert yourself yeah to be in there you can't affect anything but you could at least experience and hear what it's like yeah but you probably get

an interpretation of it like say if they wanted to do that today and they had this unbelievable ability to create people and images and places and they decided to show you the construction of the pyramids. They would just be guessing. It's one of the most amazing things about the world that we live in today, that we just accept the fact that there's immense stone structures that are thousands and thousands of years old that were perfectly constructed that we can't replicate today. Easter Island. Yeah, but that's not replicate today. Easter Island. Yeah, but that's not as impressive.

Easter Island's pretty crazy. It's pretty crazy. They don't know how they did it. They don't know how they moved them. They don't know why they did it. They had no trees on the island. Yeah. Yeah.

There's a lot of cool shit about Easter Island, for sure, but it can't fuck with the pyramids. The pyramids are the ultimate fuck you. So anybody thinks they understand the human timeline yeah they understand like what technology was capable what you know what what humans were capable of 5 000 plus years ago yeah those uh those oculus when you talk about going in what's that called yeah that virtual reality virtual reality do uh brian simpson came to my house and it's like a guy not knowing me very well but then knowing me better than I know myself he goes hey man I brought my

Oculus thing I thought you'd like to try it out and I was like I'm good I don't play video games he's like no no no I don't think you know what this is and I was like alright so he takes me into my gym and he puts it on my head I bought one 50 seconds later and then i found out

you could have you can watch porn on it and they have a porn that'll link up to a vagina that you can put your dick in and you can have you done this no how many times you've done this i have it's just your buddy blowing you sadly that's the board hold on hold on have you seen have you seen joey diaz on the guest book have you you seen Joey Diaz on the guest book? No. It's fucking hilarious. Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They both have oculuses on. Yeah, and he's blonde. And Joey Diaz comes in to suck the guy's dick. Oh, it's the fucking greatest. That is hilarious. I would definitely use a fucking oculus to have sex like that. I would without a doubt do it. Do you think that you would do that first or would you fuck an actual real-world AI robot first?

Like, if you had the options. If I had the options, I'd probably want to fuck a robot. If you had, like, a super hot robot looking... I don't even need her to be that hot. Really? What do you want? I don't know. Just something different would be cool.

Just fucking just switch it up a little bit. Just feed her to not know my wife's name and be able to keep a secret. You know how weird you could get with one of those things? Start really living out fantasies. Yeah, with a robot. You're like, hey, her arm came off. And they're like, what? And I're like what like I we got a little rough in there. Well. That's Westworld right yeah

Westworld's fucking awesome. Yeah, well I'd like season one. I didn't get into season two I Just whatever reason I tapped out after season one, but it was really good It's a it's an interesting concept because it was based on that yul brenner movie from a long time ago where people wanted to live out a life of adventure and gonna go and shoot these robots but the robots sort of rewire themselves or something and then they they actually come after you they come after you back like you can't win yeah those robots wanted their freedom they became sentient they wanted to be alive and they they didn't even some of them didn't even know there were robots So someone could create a a robot universe for you to go in on weekends and plan right? I think what that's one of the lessons of that show is that it turned people into sociopaths They wanted to go and shoot people and kill people and yeah

But where would you want to go live out like if you could take a pick a time period? Where you could just go in and like be in an old western be in the gunslingers or go in the samurai days or like but gang is calling and fucking shooting i don't think i'd be interested in going into a fake gingus khan day because it was first of all you wouldn't see the real chaos of that existence the fear that those people lived under knowing that the horde was coming over the top of the mountain and there's no escape and that these people would cannibalize each other they would they would literally eat another soldier in order to have food so they could keep their march going jesus yeah that's one of the things they did. They slaughtered their horses to eat. They did whatever they had to do.

They had a shitload of horses. And they killed somewhere in the neighborhood of 50 to 70 million people during that time of Genghis Khan's life. Isn't it crazy they made a movie about him with John Wayne? Yeah. Like celebrating him. Many times. Like, isn't that crazy? Well, it's also crazy that Genghis Khan would talk like that? Yeah. Like celebrating him. We talked about it many times. Like, isn't that crazy? Well, it's also crazy that Genghis Khan would talk like that. Yeah.

It's like the weirdest stupid white replacement movie. You know? Yeah. They have him play a Mongolian. How soon until you think they make an empathetic Hitler movie? Wow. Where they go, we're going to show the other side of him. Like the artist side. I don't think that's ever going to happen. Well, they did it with

Genghis Khan. Yeah, but they didn't know any better. I don't think they understood what Genghis Khan had done. When you hear about Genghis Khan now, there's enough from Dan Carlin I think, that's changed a lot of people's understanding of Genghis Khan. I should say Genghis, because that's how he

says it, and that's how you're really supposed to say it but that guy was responsible for 10% of the world's population being murdered during his life 10% they they killed so many people it changed the carbon footprint of earth there's so many less people during the time of Genghis Khan that it's measurable in the carbon footprint on Earth. How wild is that? That's how many people that guy killed. That's fucking insane. They killed everybody.

They killed everybody. They would show up in like Jin China. There was the Khwarizmian Shah had sent these emissaries to go visit Jin China. And as these guys are getting closer to the city, they think they're looking at a snow capped mountain in the distance and as they get closer they realize it's a pile of bones they killed a million

people and stacked them on top of each other and they had abandoned the roads because the roads were so caked with human fat that the decaying bodies had made the roads mud and it was untravelable. Bro.

Now, when you think about horrific things that Washington had done, right, or the people, and then you go back further, like a thousand years further, you realize people just get worse and worse and worse the further you go back. The further you go back in, like the further you go back in history the more and more horrific people like in and what they're capable of

Yeah, yeah, we're watching Catherine the Great It's on like Netflix and they've done a really good job of like cleaning it up and making it not sound that bad But then like it's it's fun. It's a funny show oddly enough, and you read it on your phone that night. I listen to a documentary cuz I was like oh This is a really good show I listen to documentary and she was they were horrible horrible people back then fucking her husband Peter Had a brother And and he was young that was younger that was the real heir to the throne He just put him in a room locked the door was like no one knows about him He just put him in a room, locked the door.

It was like no one knows about him. Jesus. I mean, they really did that shit. And you just look and like killed, one of his friends tried to kill Peter the Great, and then Peter the Great just killed all his chefs and was like, I'll just hang them all up in the, like the callousness of with which people act, behaved. So someone tried to kill him with poison food? Is that what it was? His best friend tried to kill him with poison food? Is that what it was? His best friend tried to kill him with paint.

He put paint in his soup. Whoa, paint. Yeah, in his kvass or whatever. Paint would kill you? Yeah, like whatever the paint they used back then was pretty poisonous. Oh, wow. And so he put it in his kvass or whatever, and he ate it. The dog ate it.

The dog died. He almost died. And then when he got better He just went and killed all the people that touch that food that day Wow And you think that that is how people behaved. I was like what 1800 so that's like I Mean when when did people start getting nicer? I mean this was like recent once like people could share information That's really yeah, but you think that's it? Yeah, but in the 70s and the 60s, people, well, they were way more brutal then than they are now. Dude, Mississippi burning.

Mississippi burning. I mean, that's insane to me that a cop would pull over three people that are protesters or whatever. They're trying to get their voting rights or whatever. And then they'd murder them and they'd be like, well, that's that, that's that. Let's put them in that big ditch and think they'd get away with it. Yeah. I mean, that's crazy that that's, that's like 50, 70, 70 years ago now, probably. You know what?

I bet they had gotten away with it already. A million times. Yeah. I bet they had already killed a bunch of people. We were just in Tulsa and I was just in Tulsa and they had the tulsa massacre you know what that is and uh and i was reading that tell people what the tulsa mass tulsa massacre was a young uh shoeshine boy black kid in an elevator uh allegedly i'm probably 100 sure that he didn't uh assaulted the white girl that ran the elevator.

So they arrested him. And then maybe like a couple months before, there had been a lynching of a white man who got arrested for something. So they just pretty much assumed, well, let's go lynch this guy. Well, the black community found out about it and took up arms. And now the problem was the affluent in Greenwood District in Tulsa, the black community had made good money. They were really kind of like progressing and there was a lot of resentment within Tulsa of this community that was progressing.

So they grab arms. They go to surround the jail so they can't lynch this kid because they know he's innocent and fucking all hell breaks loose. The fucking white people chase the black people back to Greenwood Old man tells a tells a black kid He's not allowed to have a gun guy shoots him and then the white people came in and just

Destroyed the Greenwood district and we performed a block from where this happened and you think and they just Decimated and they burned all the houses burned all the house and these were like these were like They just decimated it. They burned all the houses down? Burned all the houses. And these were like black people who were doing well in society. They were making money. And what year was this? Looks like in the 30s.

21. 21. But thinking like lynchings and shit. Like it's kind of fucked up when you see, when you think, this is crazy, but I'm in Tulsa, I'm going for a jog, and I'm looking at trees going, was there a lynching there? Because it was popular. If the community thought someone was guilty, they'd just go and grab them from the jail and do it themselves. Whoa.

Yeah, it's kind of crazy. Yeah, it seems like. I think you're right, Tony. I think what you said is right. When people are able to share information, when people are more aware, because you could cover up a story like that in the news. Like you could not report a story. You know, it's one of the things, like as time went on,

and more and more reporters, and there's more and more distribution of these stories, and then you teach them in school, people teach them at universities, and then, of course, now where just you can get information on basically anything. I mean, that was 1921. So imagine if you lived in, I don't know, the top of Maine or something. Like, you wouldn't even find out about that, right? You might have one rich friend in the neighborhood that's like, yo, check out what the newspaper says.

Right. And if you didn't read it that day, you'd probably never hear about it. Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah. Imagine, like, how many murders were committed back in, like, the 1800s where no one got caught. Right.

How would they catch you? Unless they saw you shoot somebody. How would they catch you? I mean, there was no model for police work or anything, even. Yeah. There's no forensics. Well, when you watch those old-timey movies about the Wild West, and they go through the Wild West

and they're having fucking shootouts in the street and they're hanging out in opium dens, that's real. It's a real representation of how they used to do it. The West was lawless. They would fucking shoot people down the streets. There was murders all the time. Would they really, though?

Was there like an oath that we'll do it at the same time? We'll pull our guns at the same time? It seems like everybody would always. That's duels. They definitely did that. They did. Yeah, they definitely did that. It's crazy that there was, that you could deputize someone. Where were we just at? Oh, I was listening to Billy the

Kid. The story about Billy the Kid, right? And like, and I didn't realize, this is and like and I didn't realize that this is so stupid I didn't realize that young guns was pretty accurate like I thought young guns was fixed fictional young guns is pretty nonfiction the one with like we first other one keep for Sutherland that's really that follows the fucking storyline ability the kid pretty accurately no shit yeah as I was listening to it I go wait I know who that guy is.

I know who that guy is too. Like, oh, that's that guy. And I'm like, shut the fuck. Like they're all, they're all real people that were around in that time. But they would, the big thing with Billy the Kid is, and it's in Young Guns, is they all get deputized, right? And as they go down to go get the guy in Mexico or whatever, as they come back, someone goes, oh, you guys weren't deputies anymore, so now everything you just did was illegal And so like it's crazy that people would deputize each other and like hey man

You're the sheriff now, and you'd be like fuck man I would definitely would have accidentally been deputized one night Could you imagine like you're all coming over to the west because you want gold So people come from all over the world. You hear about the gold rush. You make your way over to Alaska or wherever the fuck you're going. San Francisco is a big one. They make their way over there.

And then there's no law. There's no law. There's no law. It's just like a mining town. And then prostitutes show up and then there's pimps and then there's gambling saloons and then there's places to buy liquor and people get all fucked up and start shooting each other.

Pretty wild, man, to think that that's not that long ago. Oh, I get hung up on the fact, can you imagine riding a horse from New York to California? Do you know how much that would hurt? Have you ever ridden a horse, like full blown ridden a horse? Not really. Okay. No, I've never like when they're running full clip or anything. Oh, dude. It's fucking it's better than sex sometimes What when you fucking running sex?

I do it differently than riding horses, but do when you get there is a symbiotic moment when you go full tilt with a horse right full Sprint with a horse where you're and only people that have done this with horses room know this There's a mo because it starts. You merge. It starts. Like the Navi. You fucking.

Yeah. And all of a sudden, all you see is the horse's head doing this. And your body doesn't, it's, you're kind of up in your feet. And you're like, oh, it is the most fucking exhilarating feeling in the world. Anything other than that sucks dick. Really? Yeah. Because it's like a canter.

It's like, ow, ow, ow, ow. And it gallops like, those are my nuts. Those are my nuts. Those are my nuts. And then you walk in, you're like, this is going to fucking take forever. But once you get into that fucking sprint. So you're in the rhythm of the horse. The horse.

You become one with the horse. And you're flying. Your hat flies off. You're fucking up in your feet. You're up in your saddle. And it's just fucking one of the coolest things I've ever done. Really? I loved it, man.

I would do that. It would be something I would wake you up in the morning. Just go take your horse for a nice. I mean, just everything about horses is pretty magical. You got to go to a field and catch it, right? Your horse isn't just there. It's on a field. You got to go on a field and catch it.

That was fucking crazy. Like, and then you get, you get, like, because when you catch a horse, how I caught a horse is get him to come to you, get him up, trust you, and all you got to do is throw a rope over his neck. Just throw a rope over his neck and he's yours. He goes, all right, you got me. It doesn't even have to be around his neck? No, just lay it over the top of his neck.

And by the way, this is my horse. I'm sure there's other people out there that goes, he has no idea what he's talking about. But the horse, all you got to do is put him over his neck. And then you got to break a horse. Dude, I watched real cowboys break horses. Was this on Yellowstone? No, it wasn't. It was for Trip Flip, sadly.

Guy lives in Texas, too. John, I wish I knew his last name. I remembered his last name. Just outside Houston, he has Buffalo and we ran Buffalo for him. And we were his cowhands for a week. And we did everything soup to nuts.

Learned how to ride a horse. Learned how to maneuver a horse so you could run Buffalo. Learned how to make a horse go sideways. Turn this way, turn this way, back up. And then dude, it was, we spent the whole week on horses on horseback camping horseback campfires guitars was funny shit and the last day we had to run buffalo for him take buffalo from one field to another field into a pen and it was exhilarating

yeah yeah because you know you've been with this horse for the whole week so you know this horse you've washed it you've you've brushed it you've done everything to this horse right and then it's you and him and i and i think my name the name of my was buck and and it's and it's fucking 30 buffalo and it's you and buck and you're like okay buck come on buck and you just move them sideways and all is just gently coercing the buffalo to go one way and don't piss anyone off and it was exhilarating. And I understand like when you hear about the cowboys and how they originated here and would run the cow from up. I can see how that would be something that would call a young man.

Like when there's not much else to do in this world, go, oh, yeah, I'm going to be a fucking cowboy. Yeah. Yeah, it was cool as shit, man. I know some ranchers. I know some guys who work on a ranch and they fucking cowboy. Yeah. Yeah, it was cool as shit, man. I know some ranchers. I know some guys who work on a ranch and they love it. Yeah. They really do love it. They love the riding the horses.

They love wrangling the cows. They love all the, there's like something pure about it. I think there's something about it also that appeals to like ancient DNA because I think it's something that human beings have done for a long time, like ride horses and wrangle cattle and take care of things in a farm. And as you're sustaining this farm, you know this farm will sustain life, right? You're growing food. You have animals there that you're tending to. Yeah.

It's very primal. Oh, it's very primal. And horses read your energy. So like one morning I came in really hungover and I got on my horse and you could see my horse Was like what's going on with you? I got I got fucked off a horse in Costa Rica I'm drunk. No stone sober. I got bit by a bat the night before and And I was I was having anxiety about it and I was having really bad anxiety and The horse realize I can I touch the horse's reins he went like this and and i was

like and but i didn't know i didn't know enough about horses i hadn't done all the training before so we get on i get on the horse and even just getting on the horse the horse is acting fucking odd and my the guy said is something going on with you and i said i was bit by a bat yesterday and he was like okay he's like well i think your horse is reading your yesterday and he was like, okay. He's like, well, I think your horse is reading your energy. And I was like, okay, then just get me off him. And he's like, hold on, you'll be fine. And then we start going and I guess there's something different that you do with those horses than you do with other horses.

Whereas I was trying to get him to stop, I guess, but I was putting my feet on his belly, which for him meant take the fuck off. And he would take the fuck off. And then he started bucking. And I fucking popped up out of the saddle one foot off. And then the guy came and grabbed him and was like, hey, man, you're off the fucking horse. What's going on with you? And I was like, I don't know. The horse doesn't like me.

And he's like, no, it's you. It's you. And then I just got in the car and I started drinking. I was terrified. I was terrified. and then I just got in the car and I started drinking. I was terrified. I was terrified.

Yeah, horses are, it's an incredibly powerful animal. If it doesn't want you on it, that's why I don't understand rodeo guys. I mean, they're out of their fucking minds. Dude. That is such a wild thing to do with your time. Joel's boyfriend, getting on bulls? Bulls are fucking. It's insane.

Bulls are fucking, I'll never fuck around with another bull. Broncos are insane. Bulls are fucking. It's insane. Bulls are fucking. I'll never fuck around with another bull. Broncos are insane. Bulls are insane. It's all insane. It's all insane. A horse is only slightly less insane than a bull if it's trying to get you off. When they're out there kicking Broncos like that, is that more or less insane? I don't know.

I think I would much rather fuck with a horse and a bull yeah because the horse has horns you can shove them up your asshole you ever see that um I mean there's been a bunch of them but these matadors who get jacked oh yeah and they get it up the ass oh I've seen all videos tires their colon apart literally like poking out of the top of their hip because the horn goes through their asshole, through all this meat underneath and pops out somewhere. I've seen all of those.

This guy got one under the chin. That's a great one. Oh, motherfucker. That's a great one. I did not need to see that. Did that guy die? He had to. He had to.

Look at this one. Oh, my God. It's so bloody. Motherfucker. Look at that guy right up the asshole. Woof, buddy. It's so bloody. Motherfucker. Look at that guy right up the asshole. Woof, buddy. It's so beautiful. Have you ever been to a bullfight?

No. Oh, maybe I shouldn't say it. Am I going to get canceled? You didn't fight a bull. Oh, my God. He's got it in his asshole. Oh, look at all the blood. Oh, my God, dude.

There looks like a hole in his back, too. Like it got him in his back. And then look at all the blood on that fucking bull. Oh, wait a minute. The blood on the bull might also be because of those spears in it. Yeah. See all the spears? That might be where the blood on his antlers or his horns rather are.

They stabbed the bull like five times with those things before they kill it. They tried to compromise it and make it weak. We went to a bullfight in Spain when I was in college. That guy getting... Let me see that photo again the guy with it up his mouth the one up his mouth i feel like we should get that one done on a metal painting that's a nft wow i wonder if that guy died he had just i can't look at recovering well recovering well has a hard time with soup but he's doing great

what happened to your neck it's a long story still holding on to a sword in that picture oh fuck fuck fuck is that guy dead he looks dead as fuck dead he looks dead bullfighter gored through the neck today oh there's a lot of those i guess it's crazy that they still do that, right? Because what a strange ritual. It was so barbaric to do that in 2022, to have this thing, ole, and to trick the bull, but know that there's a possibility that bull's going to get you. You wouldn't go to it if it happened here in Austin,

if there was, like, at the racetrack or something like that? No, I don't think I would go here. But if I was in another country and it was happening, you know, like, I wouldn't want to support it in America. Right. But if it was happening in some other countries, like, there's nothing you're doing to change this. It is what it is.

It's here. You want to see it? I'd have to see it. Because it's, like, the opportunity to see something so insane. It's rare in life. Like, I would go see the Running of the Bulls, too you do the running of the Bulls fuck no Oh, come on fuck no so fucking easy You imagine if you are up in the air and you see the cobblestone and you realize you're gonna get piledrived Headfirst in the cobblestone by a two thousand pound animal, and then you didn't have to do that

This is a type in the. It's not that dangerous. People die every year. Yeah, people who want to die. What? I've been to the running of the bulls. You did it? You ran? No, I didn't do it.

I was in college. It was right when we saw the bullfight, too. I think we saw it the same day. It must have been. I think the bullfight and the thing. Oh. And so, but they fucking, these guys are all running slow to get near the bull They want to touch the bull what yeah, so you could easily do it and never see a fucking bull

Oh my god, it's gonna get trampled But the Bulls aren't trying to fuck these people up No, the the Bulls are just actually the Bulls are pretty innocent and they're just trying to get the fuck out of there But sometimes the Bulls trample people. No, it does. And throw people up in the air and fuck them up. So we were at the very beginning of the race. So the race is like, I think it's, I'm not certain, but we were there where they're doing it. And where the front of the line is, when they do the gun, it's like a cannon.

Well, they are trying to touch it. Yeah, it's people who want, these are all real men that this is part of pride for them is to get close to the bull and touch the bull. Then they know... Now the bull's pissed. Yeah, that guy tried to... Yeah, that guy pushed him off. Big mistake.

You could theoretically do this and never see a bull. You could just do the run and just fucking run to the bull ring and be done. But the fun is this for these people. Oh, that guy's getting jacked. Oh, Jesus Christ. He found him. That was the original guy.

Well, how does he know? Oh, fuck. Because of that blue and yellow. Oh, my God. This guy doesn't have his fucking pants on. He's getting trampled. That's not how you want to go out. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh, fuck, man. That's like the worstye teeth Oh Jesus Christ Oh Oh Oh it's in his thigh man It's in his hand It's in his hand Jesus Christ

Oh fuck Now he has to Go Get Oh my god And they dragged him On the ground With his bare ass

That would hurt too What is that guy doing? They're trying to turn him around and go, get the fuck out of here. That guy's got to keep hanging on. That bull's looking for murder. Look at this. Oh, Jesus Christ. That's in his leg.

That's in his leg. I don't know about that one, Jamie. I don't know about lucky. At first, it just had the shirt. That's in his leg. That's 100% in it just had the shirt. That's in his leg. That's in his leg. That's 100% in the middle of his leg. That's in his fucking leg.

That's in his fucking leg. Not lucky. When we did it, man, I'm telling you, it looked like, when we were there, it looked like you could run before you ever saw a bull. Because we got in a good spot. We ended up sitting on the ledge and watching it. It's like we were in the thing, and then they're pretty much like, hey, everyone clear out if you're not going to fucking run.

So me and my buddy Weecho went up and climbed up on a ledge, and we watched them go. And it's like, they're like, when the fuck are the bulls coming by? And there are people that are way ahead that I don't even think you'll ever see a bull. Or maybe they get ahead, and that's where they'll see them. But you could do it theoretically, I think, and just sprint and never see a bull. Because it's that many people doing it. It's a ton of fucking people. they'll see them but you could do it and theoretically i think and just sprint and

never see a bull because it's that many people doing it it's a ton of fucking people how long is it from beginning now i want to say it's like a half a mile it's not i don't remember i don't remember to be dead honest it was a long time ago it was when i was 22 but it's a fun fucking party the craziest thing is people climbing statues they're just like people are climbing like 40 foot statues and just everyone's going ole ole ole or whatever you know the fucking and dudes are climbing statues and fucking falling and taking editors to the fucking i mean it was it was a crazy party dude it was chaos shirtless sash fucking white pants and I had and just

boda bags of wine just it was so much fucking fun that's what they call them boda bags I think so I don't know

and so we did it we did we got there that day partied all day all night stayed up through the night went slept in a park

for a second went down to the beginning of the running of the bulls and then and then me and him bounced, and we're like, gotta get the fuck out of here. We're not gonna run with the goddamn bulls. We've been drinking all night.

And so we went and stood up on a ledge on the fence as the bulls ran by. It was fucking awesome. And you didn't see anybody get trampled? Oh, we saw people get fucked up, yeah. People get fucked up. But it's people, there's people that run real slow and kind of wait for the bull, and they want to run with the bull. That's just the whole point, is to run with the bull. This is the whole point is to run with the bull.

Isn't it wild that there's parts of the world like Europe? Europe is a great example where those cities have been around for a thousand years. Yeah. There's cities that have been around there forever. Oh, we were in Serbia, and I was looking around going, oh, this was around in the 800s. Like this is like, this has been around for all of time like this is i mean because you go to the fucking places in the states and you're like oh this has been around since 1800 and but then you go to serbia and they're like oh this was here when jesus was walking around like people because they've been in Europe they've been there forever yeah that fucking blows me away I think there's a bar in England that's the oldest

running bar in the world I think it's been a bar for like a thousand years something crazy like that see if you can find that like the oldest running bar in the world in england it's it looks like and i mean it's it's a slice of time other than what's been changed yeah that that this little area a thousand years ago with candles people were drinking like shitty ale and piss whiskey and whatever the fuck they drank back then oh i love it yeah and this this fucking bar is still around you found anything the first one i was gonna try to find a cool picture of it there's a bar in england it says it's been open since 900 yeah that's it that's the bar sean's bar yeah that's it since 900 they don't have any images of it well that the first picture this i was trying

to figure out what that was and then yeah what and then that's probably what it used to look like so that was like the the outside of the wall like dirt mud caked over sticks they redid it it's like that painting that's what they did they redid it Wow Guinness Book of World Records but we fucked it up by painting it and giving it a shitty ... Look at that sign. I think Bar Makeover went there. That's like they got letters from Ikea. Yeah.

Bar Makeover went in. What is this? The 900s? We're going to turn you into a mixology. Is that it right there? That's what it looks like. What a strange thing a show like Bar Makeover is. Your bar sucks.

We're going to fix it. You're like captivated. Can they do it? Do they have enough time? This is only a half hour show. Captivated. The best is when they do the, like if you've done enough production you know that if you're going to

hear someone on television that they have a microphone on. Right. And so you go to Bar Rescue and they're like, these patrons came in in the middle of the afternoon. They're like, where's the bartender? And you totally hear them. They're mic'd. Right.

And then the bartender shows up and the bartender's mic'd. And then you're like, someone had to walk up to these patrons and be like, hey, my name's John. I'm going to put a mic on you. Is it okay if I drop it down the center of your shirt? Yes. That happened. They're like, no, there's no hidden television.

And they signed a paper that says- They had to sign a paper. No one fucking films paper that says- They had to sign a paper. No one fucking films people. Exactly. You had to sign a release. That's the only way you're on that. Doing the amount of production I did, it made a lot of television not fun

because you were like, you could see through everything and you're like, oh, come on. Yeah. Well, especially if you're doing a reality show, air quotes. Yeah. Because a lot of those reality shows,

they just have these fake scenarios they have to follow and it's not real it's just like shitty the it's like shitty theater it's like it's not a real script and like you get people acting corny and weird and trying to act normal and saying you know it's either ad-libbing stuff it was the best when we did the cabin i you know originally was supposed to be scripted, and then we just ran out of time because we couldn't get anyone to commit to doing the show. So at the last minute,

we're like, just fuck it. Just make it all comics, and we'll all go to a cabin, and we'll just, we've all done enough, it's amazing. Comics have done enough podcasts where they know how to beat,

they know how to fill time. All you'd have know how to be, they know how to fill time. Yeah. Like you'd, all you'd had to say to someone like, like Nikki Glaser is so fucking good. She's so good. She just like came in. She's like, what are we doing?

And I just said, just fucking hang. She's like, cool. She's like, who's that? And I was like, Caitlyn Jenner.

She's like, camera's up. I was like, yeah. She's like, okay, we're fucked if it's Caitlyn Jenner. And I'm like,

like, it's just comics know how to be present and in the moment. And we're like, why? She's like, well, I'm going to tell's Caitlyn Jenner. And I'm like, it's just comics know how to be present and in the moment. And we're like, why? And she's like, well, I'm going to tell you a story. I did the Comedy Central roast, and there were nine jokes I couldn't tell about Caitlyn Jenner or she would walk off the set. And I was like, but you didn't tell them. She goes, well, I didn't tell them there. But I went on Stern the next day, and I told all of them.

And I'm certain she has heard them. And we were like, dun, dun, dun. And I'm like, you're just a fucking home run. Yeah. Had she heard those jokes? Caitlin was cool as fuck. Really? If she had, she didn't play on to it.

We said some pretty aggressive things to Caitlin, too. She's got a great sense of humor. Yeah. She does have a great sense of humor. She was, my dad, my dad, you met my dad. Yeah. My dad, on that episode, none of this was, nothing was planned, right? Nothing. Yeah, my dad on that episode. I none of this was nothing was planned right nothing my dad

On them that morning. I'm dry. I'm going to the cabin my dad's like I call my dad I think from the cabin and I go I have Caitlyn Jenner on today, and he goes don't do it, buddy It's not worth it What he goes you're gonna fuck up a pronoun you're gonna fuck up Something and and the world's gonna hate you and he goes it's not worth it And you don't know who you're talking to you're talking to a fucking hero And I went what he goes buddy You have no idea when you were born

Caitlin was in Montreal doing the and my dad's using the right fucking name right using the right pronouns He was like you were a baby and you sat on my lap and we watched that together You have no idea what what a what a hero she is so please just treat her with respect No, I don't want to tell him not gonna be a dick of course. I you know whatever I was a comic I said about much crazy stuff know the thing we're sitting there me Nikki and Caitlin and my dad calls I was like I go hey dad you wanna talk to Caitlyn Jenner and my dad fucking starts crying and he's like You have no idea like I just want you to know you're my hero and he just starts melting down and Caitlin's like thanks and my dad's I have a few track

questions I want to ask you your pole vaults uh were they uh were they polychrom was it was it aluminum pole bolts back then and then he's like my's like, I'm dying to know how you trained for the decathlon. My dad was really into track and field all through college. Like ran professionally, ran over at Villanova. And it was like this very moving moment where my dad just melted down, started crying to Caitlyn Jenner. It was like, you're my hero. I just want to thank you for being pleasant to my son and whatever. It was a really cool moment when no one expected.

What's the fucked up questions you asked? I'm not saying them again. They got edited out. I guess you had different poll questions. So do you still have your poll? That was a version of one of them. That is a quintessential Tony Hinchcliffe line right there. That's perfect. All dick jokes. It was a lot of dick jokes. We did a lot of one of them? That is a quintessential Tony Hinchcliffe line right there. That's perfect.

All dick jokes. It was a lot of dick jokes. We did a lot of fucked up shit. Did you talk about it? Oh, I remember the moment that, I'm sorry to interrupt, that we found out that Caitlyn just signed on to that roast. We are in a writer's room. Literally people that literally specialize in making fun of people yeah and when that came

in when the exec i remember where i was sitting in which direction i was looking when the executive producer came in and goes we just got caitlin jenner you would have thought we all just won the power ball and that we all had it on one ticket and that it was hundreds of millions of dollars because we were, sure enough we had a block, I mean, the next six hours are literally just slamming a table. I can't imagine what it would have been like to just be in that hallway and watch

through a window at us you know, apes just having the time of our lives. That's, that was a great fucking roast, too. There's something special about those sort of roasts and roast battles because you're forced to write a completely new joke about a thing that's right there in front of you.

And then you're forced to scramble and come up with good lines for it. And on a full roast, instead of a battle, you can make correlations with other people that are on that roast so immediately you're like Caitlin well this person's a dick she had a oh shit you're making all these

just firing off cylinders plus Caitlin on top of all that an Olympic hero has the reality show and the family and the daughters is her daughter's a billionaire Is her daughter a billionaire? Right. From makeup. Her daughter's a fucking billionaire.

Like, I didn't realize. It's so silly, but I knew Kim Kardashian, maybe. I didn't realize all the Jenners and Kylie Jenner. So that morning, they're like, hey, here's a little run sheet for facts. I was like, her daughter's a fucking billionaire? That's fucking insane. Pretty insane. But it's all from cosmetics, right?

Yeah. She's like the richest one in the family. She's richer than Kim, which is crazy. She's a billionaire. Kim's more famous. Kim's way more famous. That's a beautiful goddamn family. It's not a bad looking family.

Not a bad looking family at all. Now Travis Barker's married beautiful goddamn family. It's not a bad-looking family. Not a bad-looking family at all. Now Travis Barker's married in. Yeah. Travis Barker seems pretty legit. He's a good dude. It's a good-looking family now. We haven't seen Kim and Pete's kid yet.

There's no genetics in the world that are going to cross out whatever Pete Davidson has going on. Well, whatever he's got to know, that guy's slinging dick like nobody that's ever lived. There's never, look, there's been- It's the Warren Beatty of 2022. It's unbelievable. There's never been a comedian that has that resume. No. His resume is-

Off the charts. One is Ariana Grande, Kate Beckinsale. Who? What the fuck? You forget Larry David's daughter is beautiful. I don't know what that is.

Trendier son or whatever. Instagram. But famous people. All famous people. And then Kim Kardashian. I mean that just is insane. Have you seen the shit that Kanye was saying about him? My man. Oh yeah.

Have you seen all of them? I haven't seen all of them. Pull them up. I can't. You know, don't get me started on the absolute genius that is Kanye West. Yeah, but this one can't even be aired. He put that on his Instagram. The best part about it is after he said it, he writes, okay, last one for tonight, maybe. Last one for tonight, maybe.

And they took it down. He was doing a run of Pete memes that day. I mean, come on, man. That shit's hilarious. But that's actually kind of part of the fun of it all, is that all of a sudden Kim is hanging out with Pete Davidson, and Kanye is mad. Yeah. And it's like everybody's like, like those things, as uncomfortable as they are,

are for business, for their business, especially for Kim's business and Pete's business. Holy shit, is it good. Yeah. What a boom Yeah, the genius is mad at us the brains of the operation. Yes, Matt. Yeah The talent. Yeah, have you ever worn his sweatshirt? Kanye's the Kanye hoodie. No, that's me. What is this greatest? What's your name?

Oh, it's like my life. Is it unusual? No, he did a Gap collab. What are you fucking laughing at? No, just the way it shows, like questioning it. Why am I? I'm just laughing. I'm not. No, he did a Gap. He did a collab with the Gap.

And he made a sweatshirt that I put on and is my favorite thing I've ever put on in my life. Really? And second only to fucking Yeezys. Yeezys are the most comfortable fucking shoe in the world Well, let me see what this sweatshirt looks like so you got it's just a sweatshirt, but you got to explain So it is he's got the best parts of the sweatshirt on the inside and the outside So the outside is the best part of a sweatshirt right well He's he sewed another sweatshirt inside the sweatshirt inside out so that you feel the outside on the inside And it's heavy. it's like a fucking

thunder blanket i would imagine that's thick as fuck it's thick as fuck and it's and it's like basically two sweatshirts are those available yeah can you buy them or are they hard to get the easy gap hoodie is back in stock yeah but can i just get one online? Or do I have to pay extra? You could order from a special website. I think like sneaker places. So is that one there real, that one you're over right there? If you click on that? That's probably the right price.

Yeah, it's like goat. So that's the Kanye hoodie, and it's how much? $100. $100? It's so fucking comfy. I mean, for a Kanye West thing, that seems pretty reasonable. He's just, I mean, I watched that documentary Genius. Have you seen it?

No, I haven't seen it. You have to watch this. He is a fucking genius. He is a genius so ahead of his time. He was making beats for Rockefeller back in the day, and that's what they were using him as, but he wanted to be a rapper. And man, this documentary is a documentary

he shot on himself when he was nobody he was walking around with a camera and and every nobody back then was filming themselves nobody and everywhere they go they're like well he brought cameras like everybody's like all like weirded out but it ends up all coming together it all comes together and he's like he's like i'm the great. He's predicting his future because he knows how good he is. And then you watch him. He idolizes Jay-Z. And you watch him ask Jay-Z, can I be on this track and sing on this track? And Jay-Z's like, well, yeah, let me hear what you got.

And Kanye bangs out the best fucking 16 bars. And then Jay-Z's like, shit, man. Hungry. A quiet man doesn't eat and then and kanye's like yeah and then what's even crazier all this documentary footage and he gets in a car accident breaks his jaw right writes through the wire which is chilling how great that fucking song is about getting his jaw broken his journey and he uses the shit he's had in this documentary he uses it to make the music video that goes on mtv and what he's doing he's taking this through the wire song and he's playing

it for jay-z he's playing it for fucking uh for uh pharrell he's playing it for them and they're all going dude this is going to be the biggest song of the year and it's all this is all his documentary footage play some of that. You can hear it too if you listen closely. This jaw's not opening. So is he rapping through wired jaws? Through his jaw, wired shut.

It sounds like it too. And by the way, in the documentary, they show the time that he gets his... They show all of this. The extended of everything you're about to see is all in this documentary. Wow. Wow. Oh. Wow. Who's for breakfast and ensure for dessert? Somebody order pancakes, I just dip the scissors. That right there can drive a sane man bizarre.

Not to worry, Mr. Ace, it's a little bit of a blizzard. I don't know what to say, man. Look at him. He was on the podcast and Jamie missed it because he had COVID. Are you serious? Yep. Jamie caught COVID. He was out with a bunch of girls of ill repute at some bar. The only thing sadder than that is somebody who I've had crazy arguments with Kanye about,

who was always on the wrong side of history, Red Band, got to sit in for you, the biggest Kanye fan. And literally, I'm like, this is a double homicide. This is a tragedy. Things happen. That was so tragic. Wait, was Red Band Red Band or was he, did he, old school Red Band? No, he did a great job. Or he was doing bubbles and stuff?

No, no, no, no, no. I miss old school Red Band. I really do. I really do. But there was a thing where I had to tell him, I go, you can't interrupt him. I go, we got to work this out. You got to deal, you got to understand the kind of mind you're dealing with. Like his mind is like a locomotive, man.

If you get in the way of it, you're just going to get run over. I might have interrupted. I might have jumped in like, hey, I can help you here. I can help explain this. You think you would have fucked it up? No, no. But I don't know. I might have.

He probably would have been like, who the fuck is talking to me right now? Yeah. I don't remember signing up for your podcast. Say that again, what? He would have saw my shoes and been like, I get it. I don't think so. I don't think he's impressed that somebody bought Say that again, what? He would have saw my shoes and been like, I get it. I don't think so. I don't think he's impressed that somebody bought his shoes. A lot of people buy shoes.

I wouldn't have worn those shoes. I would have worn cool shoes. Oh, sneaker talk. I mean, he's so groundbreaking on so many levels. Jamie has to tell me if my shoes are okay. These are APLs. Are they okay? Just okay.

Jamie's always making fun. These are fucking great to work out in. I bet making fun. These are fucking great to work out in. I bet they are. They're fucking great to work out in. They better be comfortable looking like that. What the fuck are you saying? They look good. They're plain black shoes.

What pants would you wear those with outside of shorts? Wear shorts, bitch. What the fuck are you talking about? Okay. I'm athletic. Good luck. Good luck? Good luck?

Good luck? What luck am I getting from different sneakers? Well, you're never going to make the GQ fashion list with that. Bro, I got news for you. I wasn't in contention anyway. You never know. Come on, man. I dress like a slob.

But you could. Well, I have tailored suits. I have some slick shit from David August that fits my chimp frame. It's like all tailored right, like thick ass neck and shit it's nice is your wife buy you shoes like she goes no I got a like the dress shoes I got or all like oh she's bought me sneakers before she shamed everybody shamed me yeah and they so she bought me a bunch of very nice like she bought me some Jordans sweet Jordans great I wear them all time. I don't not like good stuff. It's just I don't generally dress to look good

I just dressed for like whatever the fuck I feel like wearing like here I got a old school jujitsu shirt on I like it. I saw it was in my closet. I go I wear that I like that shirt. That's all I do whatever the fuck. I want Bert. No, I'm very specific about my clothing I only wear one type of shirt really But I've worn suits on stage before like when Chappelle and I were doing arenas. I was wearing suits sometimes. It's fun It's fun to like fucking put a tie on maybe I'll try that just to wear suit bottoms Just bottom just me. I know just no middle. No, they won't be just looking at your upper body naked Got a painting myself in the corner wondering whether or not you're gonna take your shirt off last night

Yeah I always take it off every time. I'm very comfortable every time we had the store. Yeah now I don't give a fuck about anyone anymore. What happened? I know I know but it was I was avoiding it a lot of times for people. Yeah. Like people would- Criticize you. Someone said something to me, and I was like, I'll try to be respectful.

Was it Ari Shaffir? No, no. Ari takes his shirt off on stage now. Are you kidding me? Does he? Yeah. Ari performs shirtless sometimes. Ari performs pantless sometimes.

The comedies. Yeah. I'm very comfortable with my shirt off. I feel weird with a shirt on doing stand-up now. Anybody? Don't be scared, bitch. Why are you scared of weed and you're not scared of getting hammered? I'm not comfortable with my shirt off. I feel weird with a shirt on doing stand-up now. Anybody? Don't be scared, bitch. Why are you scared of weed and you're not scared of getting hammered? I'm not scared of weed.

I've been smoking a lot of weed lately. I noticed. I noticed last night. Last night, Bert got to the point where he was trying to say to me, we're going to do stem cells tomorrow, right? And I was like, I have no fucking idea what those words are that come out of your mouth. That's when I called it. I stood up.

You saw it. I went, that's it. I'm out. It was good seeing you guys. Take care, everybody. Joe, we'll see you tomorrow morning. It was a fun hang, though. Fun show, too.

Very fun show. I love that place. The Vulcan's such a fun place. That was wild. I brought up Bert last night, and I shook his hand, and he pointed over my shoulder, and I turned around, and four guys that had no idea that Bert was going to be there already had their shirts off. Yeah.

I've never seen anything like that. So you're just saying Bert's name, and they already had their shirt off the moment you said his name? It could have only been, what, 10 seconds? Yeah. An entire table of guys. That happens a lot. That's why I named, I'm doing Red Rocks again, September 9th or something.

Nice. And I called it Tops Off at Red Rocks because everyone will be topless. Oh, nice. Yeah, Tops Off at Red Rocks. I went to go do the promo. I was telling this to Tom. I don't know. I enjoy making promos.

I enjoy trying to sell tickets. I don't have a problem with it. So I go to Red Rocks. I loop it into my touring I go we'll find we'll go to the space get access to the venue and Special access we can use the stage and then we'll shoot some promos and Yeah, so we just so you shoot a lot of content like this that you can post in your stories throughout The lead up to sell tickets right just simple stuff, but. But we get there, and I forget, you know, I'm also, you know, that I've done this venue, and so everyone there knows me. So we just ended up getting, everyone came up to take a picture,

and then people were like, hey, man, you want to smoke a joint with me? I was like, yeah. And they're like, do you want to? What was that thing on your arm? That's when I hurt my arm. Oh, I thought it was like lights or something. It. It was it was I had it all fiber optic to help Oh, no shit, so it would be a big shows big show shirtless. It's Red Rocks. Oh, that's cool September 13th I'm at Red Rocks everybody not September 13th

2022 so you set it up now and Then I shoot a bunch of these I'll shoot ten of them and then and then leading up to the date I just released them as we go so who does these for you me my team my buddy John man's and My cousin Andrew edits. I Severely dislike the term team. I don't know what to call them My team the people I they're on my pay list, but these guys wanted to kill a beer with me. They're from Boston So we killed a beer. They want to kill a beer. Oh, yeah This poor guy on Those guys look like they want to kill a beer with you. Oh, yeah. This poor guy on the right did not want to take his shirt off.

He's like, no, bro. No, bro. And I go, it's Top Fluff at Red Rocks, buddy. And he goes, oh. He's like, no one's going to see this, right? I'm like, now we're talking about a Monrogan. Sorry, pal. But, yeah, so the shirt's come off like crazy now.

I've had some really bizarre experiences in stand-up that I feel are unique to me. Like, I was in England one time over in Britain, whatever. And I started... UK? Yeah, the UK, whatever the fuck it's called. And I started the machine story. And they cheer, you know,

22 years ago, Russian Mafia. And I go, I went to Florida State and I have fucking 2,000 people reciting the story with me from beginning to end. They know the whole story. Reciting the fucking story. And they want to hear the story. And it's a 15-minute story.

13, but yeah. I can tell at 11. I've done it in 11. Oh, do you feel rushed when you do it in 11? No, no. I just chop parts out. Ah. I can make it.

But I do it every show, and they were singing it along with me. And then by the end, it was perfect. I get to the end, and he comes up close. I can smell a cigarette. I'm like, I'm not in trouble. And he goes, no. And then the whole place just goes, fuck that bitch. This is Russia. And I'm like, I was crying.

I was like, this is the craziest experience I've ever fucking had. I remember when you first told that story on this podcast. And I was like, dude, you need to tell that on stage. I've ever fucking had. I remember when you first told that story on this podcast. And I was like, dude, you need to tell that on stage. I said no. No. I said no. It's literally your fucking nickname now. I said no. Yes, I remember. Do you know the whole story

of that, right? So I was in Columbus that next weekend. You said on that podcast, if you're going to Burt's show, you make him tell that story. From this day forward, he has to be known only as the machine. So I go to Columbus. I do my set.

And this is back, this is Death Squad Ohio days, right? So I do my set and they're going, the machine! And I was like, guys, I'm not going to do it. And this guy in the front row goes, hey man, we know it's not going to be good. But Joe said you got to tell it to make it good We know that don't worry. We'll fake laugh right guys Are you fucking serious, and I told it is probably 20 minutes long

I told it and they're like hey man tell again tomorrow They coached you through it those desk while Ohio guys were fucking really ride-or-die motherfucker. Wow, they coached you through it. Those Desquadro, Ohio guys were fucking really ride or die motherfuckers. They'd come to all of your shows. They'd come to all your shows. They'd hang out with you at the end. I mean, I had lunch with them. Those guys were fucking awesome dudes. They still check in all the time.

Yeah. And, yeah, it's wild. I remember thinking how crazy it was, you know, whatever, 12 years ago that I remember it was the first person who got, he had us all sign his leg. You know who I'm talking about? And he got a tattoo of all the signatures over the thing. So every time he would see one of us, and by the time he got to me, everybody's name was already there. But like, I did it and then it was part of it. And then I saw him a few years, a couple years later, and boom, there it is with more.

And then it's just crazy. Ohio has a real knack for that. They have good senses of humor there. It was a special time in podcasting. Right, because it was early. And it was a secret. Not everyone knew about it. What year was this?

10 or 11. I was on Travel Channel. It was 2009 2009 2010 So this is the very earliest days of the podcast very earliest This is how this is like my favorite stories of that so I mean before I even did the podcast I was a fan of the podcast. I listened to the podcast. I was on Travel Channel I listened to it on my iPad when I slept and I feel like I I felt like I knew everyone. This is how cool those times were. I remember putting out on Twitter, hey, I'm in Scotland. If any Desquad fans want to get, any JRE fans want to get a drink, I'm buying. It's like 10 dudes show up. I'm just get wrapped. I walk over to a bar and I go, I said, I go who's latest JRE and they're like hold

on I said what and they go you don't know it's blue cheese or go fuck your mother and I went what I know like got on their phone they pull it hey Joey when you get ring wings do you get ranch he goes listen cocksucker it's either blue cheese or go fuck your mother and we were crop there's the first time I heard that and we were crying laughing It was the first time I heard that. And we were crying laughing. Me and these 10 fans in Scotland were crying laughing. They're like, Bobcat was on last week. Do you listen to that one?

I go, I haven't caught up. And we just, it was like, we were all into the same shit. We were like, whenever you had a good guest on, we were all in it. We were all starting our own podcasts. And so they were following us. And they'd be like, hey, tell us what happened with that one guy. I was telling people to start a podcast even when it wasn't even profitable. Yeah.

I was trying to get everybody to do it. You sold this harder than anything. And if it wasn't for Seguro, because I bought all the equipment. You were like, get the equipment. Get the stuff. Just start it. Just start it. And I recorded like two or three and they were just me by myself and they sucked.

One, I was drunk and I was like, I'm never doing this again and uh and I had all the equipment and so girl walked into my it was Easter Sunday so girl walked into my man cave and he hit record and he gave a mic to Joey and he gave a mic to my dad and he took a mic and he goes this is your first podcast and we recorded it and it was and it was fucking um and it was joey diaz being old school joey diaz my dad meeting joey for the first time and them becoming close friends i mean they've been they've always been close like joey's been to all our all our christmases all our easters before he moved and that was my first podcast and i looked at the numbers and the numbers were like 50 000 downloads the first day and i was like what the fuck and the numbers are like 50,000 downloads the first day.

And I was like, what the fuck? And then, and then from that you go, Hey, I'm going to be in a, I'm going to be in Ohio. I'm going to be in Louisville. And then all of a sudden people showed up and this is back when you could sit in the lobby and just talk with people and be like, and they'd be like, Hey, tell us, tell us about this. Tell us about that. And it was so much, I had my daughters do my intro. Oh, nice so much. I had my daughters do my intro. Oh, nice. Yeah, I had my daughters do my intro. They were really young then.

I don't even, I don't think they, oh, yeah, maybe they still do it. But it's, Isla was in a play and she had a big speech impediment. She goes, thank you, thank you, gentlemen's and join's. Aw. And it was like, and yeah, it's great. How cute. Yeah. Those were the fun fucking days.

They're fun now, too, buddy. Oh, yeah. It's not fun. It's a lot more fun now. Look at that. Yeah. Wow. Bert Kreischer.

Look how young you look. I know. You don't even look like you. Who the fuck are you? You're a slimmed down Bert Kreischer. I forgot how skinny you were, bro. I know. Look at you.

Look at Red Band. Tom made me fat. Red Band looked great. That was the weight at Red Band. Tom made me fat. Red Band looked great. That was the weight loss Red Band. Red Band at one point in time exhibited extraordinary discipline and wound up losing like 70 pounds. I remember we'd go to the gym. That motherfucker would be on the treadmill or on the elliptical machine for a long ass time losing weight.

We'd go to the hotel gym. We were on the road. And Red Band was fucking putting it in. I'm like, dude, I am fucking proud of you. Wow. He lost like, I'm not kidding not kidding man he lost like 70 or 80 pounds and his girl left him that's what happened his girl left him and he was like really broken up about it and he's like you know what i'm just gonna get in shape and he fucking did it and he got slim and he had pictures of him on his instagram of like him holding his pants like that like there look how skinny he was dude look at him look at the flip phone look like there. Look how skinny he was, dude.

Look at him. Look at the flip phone. Look at how cute he is. So that was what he was, 245 pounds to 163 pounds. And look how good he looked. Kid was a stud. Look at him up in the upper right-hand corner holding his pants. We need to get him to do that again. We need him and David Lucas in a challenge.

It's a good challenge. It's a great challenge. It's a winner. The winner gets $100,000. I love this challenge. We'll do it on this podcast. It's a great challenge. That's it. The winner gets $100,000 cash.

That's me and my fattest. Those two will get in cahoots with one another. They'll be like, let's split the money. No, no, no. We're going to bring in a doctor and we're going to, like one person loses five pounds, the other person loses three. No. It's going to be like one of those things like it doesn't count until you're below 60 pounds.

Right. Once you get below 60 pounds, 60 pounds lighter, and to give them four months to do it. You have four months starting now. That's reasonable. Yeah. That can be done. With diet and exercise, you can lose that. I've seen a guy recently online that was one of those inspirational guys with the quotes

over it and shit, and he was talking about how four months ago he was 60 pounds heavier, and they showed a picture of him before, and you're like, whoa. Imagine. A lot of my friends I don't see for four months imagine not seeing a friend for four months and then coming back four months later like what the fuck dude yeah you look amazing that how did you do that it's a fun feeling you've never really had that I've had the feeling where you lose the weight people go hey you look great it feels so good and then when you're fat you get a lot

of people going I'm worried about you. Yeah, we're worried about you. Yeah, whatever. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. We talk about it. We talk about it all the time. Shut the fuck up. I remember very clearly the moment I knew the podcast was big. The moment I knew something was going on, very clearly.

Because I was on stage in Chicago at the Chicago Theater. So it was a sold out Chicago Theater. 3,500 seats. And I go, so the other day I go, how many of you guys listen to the podcast? at the Chicago Theater. So it was a sold out Chicago Theater. 3500 seats. And I go, so the other day I go, how many of you guys listen to the podcast? And it was, yeah! And I went, oh shit!

It was just like, I thought it was gonna be like a small percentage. Like I never pay attention to numbers. I don't look at the numbers now. I don't, like when my friends do a podcast with me and they go, hey, how's it performing? I'm like, I don't know. It's out there. So just keep moving, bro.

I remember one time Jamie going, hey man, did you sell a lot of books? And I said, no. And he goes, well, your numbers were like through the fucking roof. And I went, oh, wow. But that's, I don't look at my numbers either. You can't. It's just, if you can't it's just you'll if you do it's like likes on a photo or something like that like you'll get obsessed

with people get obsessed with numbers you know like if one guy's selling out 3,000 tickets but the other guy's selling out five the 3,000 guys jealous of the 5,000 guy and meanwhile like you just sold out a fucking theater dude I told Chris DiStefano the other day, 1,200 seats is the mountaintop. You can go out and do theaters at 1,200 seats, 1,500 seats. That's the dream everyone ever had. It's better than anything you could ever wish for. Tony and I did the Stand Up Live in Phoenix, which is, by the way, he sold out every show. So that's like 600 seats per show.

And when I did that was i was doing that place i was like you know what this might be perfect this might be the perfect size to experience comedy yeah that's a great venue it's a great venue because it's low ceilings and it's a great sound system and it's a great size stage and it's very intimate and i'm like this might be the fucking sweet spot like there's something to be said for a 200-seat room. Fucking awesome, right? Yeah. But man, when you're rocking in that place, the laughter was thunderous.

Yeah. And it's low ceiling. They did a great job. Slight elevation as it goes back, but nothing too crazy. Because when you get in some theaters, when you hit that second tier and stuff, there is a disconnect. It doesn't feel like they're right there.

It feels like they're up there. Yeah, you have to have, like when you're doing big places, you have to have distinct punchlines. The people that really suffer are the ranters who their pace requires that they say this and then they say that. And there's a punchline here, there's a punchline there. And there's another punchline. If you do that in an arena like you

You will run the risk of people not being able to hear what you're saying Yeah, we were talking about the ride over arenas are I take a different pacing. It's a different pace Yeah, different so does that so does Red Rocks. So does the Greek they take you got it you outside places outside play I love outside places. Yeah, they're all it's all but there's something cool about the night air and shit Yeah, I'm sky when I did I'm very I am very fortunate to have done that hot summer nights thing It was the funnest time in my fucking life Outdoors during kovat every night grilling out every night. They're watching them put up the stage break down the stage It was like being in a rock band

It was so much fun and and and shows were just, everything was different. A thunderstorm behind you in the night, sunsets. Fucking my favorite thing about those is sunsets. Really? It was, oh, dude. Like before the show starts, like watch the sun drop and then the show starts right afterwards. Everyone's watching the sun drop. And they know that when the sun drops, that's when the show starts.

I got to have you come out to a Hot Summer Night show just to see one. I'll come out. Or the, whatever it is. Whatever you're doing. Fully loaded.

Fully loaded, man. I'll come out. The sunset and then the fucking energy of people being outdoors. It's like a fun, tailgate-y, like people show up

with their trucks filled with ice and coolers and water and make a jacuzzi out of the thing. Yeah, but you bring that kind of energy everywhere anyway. Like, it's not like they would do that if Jim Gaffigan was playing there. They did it with Jim. But, I mean, you bring a party atmosphere. Yeah, I like a party.

Yeah, you're, not that Jim Gaffigan doesn't have a very rabid fan base. He certainly does, and he's a great comic. That's all I'm saying. What I'm saying is, like, your fans are drunks. Yeah. Your fucking kids. They like to fucking get down. They're coming to party.

Dude, we did Colorado somewhere, Grand Junction, Colorado, and the other day on my tour did an amphitheater. It was amazing. First of all, it's amazing. It's amazing. But I'll be very honest. I am jealous of those people because I like, I want to do what they're doing i like have fun in the audience like like uh red rocks i just so i'm sitting in the fucking pool i'm doing red rocks on the 13th someone texts my phone starts blowing up they're like wilco's playing the 14th dude i'm

the biggest fucking wilco fan what's wilco jeff tweedy it's a band out of Chicago they're like alternative country kind of they're fucking amazing he is amazing how am I just hearing about this now dude I I literally found out I was my hands were shaking I texted everyone when I do Red Rocks I bring everyone like friends and friends and family that's a Tom Segura trait I bring people I rent out a whole set of cabins I get everyone in a cabin Everyone comes to my show and then we last time we stayed a date and did Jimmy went to Jimmy Buffett show got to go Backstage meet Jimmy Buffett gave him a pair of my flip-flops like it was awesome He's awesome and let me tell you something I geeked out over Jimmy Buffett

I made him a little uncomfortable Because I was like I was like you have no idea what you mean to me like I Literally Jimmy Buffett is like a like a hero to you from Florida from Florida. Yeah, I know I go I was like, you have no idea what you mean to me? Like, I literally, Jimmy Buffett is like a hero to me. You're from Florida. I'm from Florida. Yeah. I know, I go, I gave him a month worth of Burt in five minutes. And you could tell he was overwhelmed.

He was like, well, I gotta go on stage. Just before the show? Right before the show. Oh my God, how dare you? So then I find out Wilco's playing and i fucking go i fucking text everyone i'm like we're partying with wilco the night after we're going to see wilco and i told tom yesterday he was like because he knows how much i like wilco his i was i texted him he's like dude i go i will creep jeff tweedy out i will make him go i wish this guy had never gone backstage i

can't believe he's crying he's like that's how much Wilco means to me. Like, they're fucking awesome. I'm looking up Wilco on Apple right now because I'm going to get, it says nothing. I once made a fool out of myself in front of my favorite musician, Roger Waters, the creator and bassist of Pink Floyd. These are the guys? Yeah. Wilco. Wilco loves you, baby.

Is that a song? Wilco loves you? Wilco. It's on the album Wilco. Yeah. Wilco. Wilco loves you, baby. Is that a song? Wilco loves you? Wilco, it's on the album Wilco, and the song is called Wilco. Ooh, I love that. Let me tell you this, Joe. I'm in Crow territory, okay? Crow? Like Native Americans? Native American territory up in Montana, South Dakota. We're riding motorcycles, and we just hunted buffalo. We take a helicopter back to the top of a mountain, get on our motorcycles, sun setting. Okay?

I get on my motorcycle. I throw in Wilco, Wilco, the song Wilco on the album Wilco. Let me hear some of this shit. Play that song. Play that song. I want to hear some of this shit. Wilco, Wilco. Let Spotify work out the legal details of this.

Leave it. They got Wilco. Do they have Wilco? Yeah. But is it okay if it plays on this? I don't know. They got Wilco. Do they have Wilco? Yeah. But is it okay if it plays on this? I don't know. Let's find out.

Yeah, I'm sure it's okay. Is there someone you can call? We could only help. Yeah, I could. I could call them up. 2009? How am I not known about this? Oh, dude. I love this kind of music. This is just crazy. Listen to this. Here we go.

Are you under the impression? This isn't your life. Do you dabble in depression? Is someone twisting and knocking back I ain't being attacked Oh, listen to the fact That you need to know Oh, oh, oh, oh

We'll go, we'll go We'll cover all the ends Now picture oh, oh. We'll go. I like it. We'll go. We'll go. Now picture this, Joe. I'm on a motorcycle. I'm by myself on top of the mountain in Crow Territory. I'm listening to this. I'm getting emotional. Oh, my God.

A pack of wild horses runs up next to me in an open field and keeps pace with me. And I'm running on a motorcycle at fucking 30 miles an hour with horses. And I'm listening to this, and I start crying, and I'm like, fucking, oh. You did it in a movie. You're a magic person. It was fucking amazing. Dude, I listened to this one album that whole year I did Travel Channel.

Oh, oh, oh. I didn't know you were in a country. It's alternative countries. This one album that year that whole year I did Travel Channel I didn't know you were in the country It's alternative some kind of country. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, like I like Hank three a lot. I love he's great. I love Your boy, I love my boy. Yeah, what about do you know whiskey Myers? No, just our listener Marcus King started getting into whiskey Myers. Oh my god. Listen to listen to Marcus King I just started getting into Whiskey Myers I'm downloading it now oh my god listen to listen to Bury My Bones they've got some fucking killer songs man this dude it's like

I don't I mean I'm not good at describing the genres of music but listen to this oh this is the music video but yeah

give me a little bit before that oh I'm gonna like this guy But yeah, give me a little bit before that. Oh. I'm going to like this guy. Yeah. Yup. Should bury my bones Beneath these pads And it comes time for you to bury my bones All the shit's like this. I like this a lot. Very good. All the shit's like this.

We have a strong green room playlist. Really? Yeah, we bring one of those big JBL boombox speakers, those big giant bitches, and we have a strong playlist. And this is what I generally like to start with because it's like, fuck, we're getting into this. Yeah, yeah.

It's a half hour before showtime. We're pacing. Woo! We're just firing up. We hear the crowd out there. It's crazy. Woo! And there's one song, ELO, Slow Down.

This is our- Showdown. Showdown, excuse me. Slow Down. That's how drunk and high I am. ELO, Showdown Showdown excuse me Slow Down that's how drunk and high I am ELO Showdown this is what we play right before

we go on stage so this is like the show's about to start in five yeah start dancing so you got marijuana smoke

you got whiskey on ice and we're about to go do the greatest thing in all of entertainment. Madison Square Garden, Boston Garden, all these places. This is our song, man. We've been doing this one, fuck, man, since last year because we were listening to this when I got COVID. Yep. Yep.

Florida. So you set up a whole vibe in your green room? Yeah, I set up a vibe. And Chappelle sets up a vibe better than anybody. He changes all the lights to red. Really? Yeah, his dressing room is all red lights everywhere. It's dope as fuck.

Jesus. The first guy I ever saw to do that was Tommy Lee. I went backstage to a Tommy Lee show. Tommy Lee, the drummer. A good buddy of mine, shout out to John Rollo. My good buddy John Rollo was Tommy Lee's bodyguard. And Tommy Lee had decided that he wants to fight Chris Rock. Excuse me.

Kid Rock. Poor Chris. I'm sorry. Here we go again. What did he say about his wife? I don't know what happened, but Kid Rock used to be married to Pam Anderson, and Tommy Lee was married to Pam Anderson too, and whatever. So anyway, I meet Tommy Lee.

Tommy's like, I want to fuck up Kid Rock. I was like, oh my God, this is a disaster. What do you want to do? You want to fight him? He's like, yeah. I think he wanted to fight him in the UFC. And I'm like, how much training have you had? He's like, almost I think he wanted to fight him in the UFC and I'm like how much training have you had it's like almost not and so It's like I got my money on the redneck

You know I mean I just like that. I'm like I wanted to talk him out of it I'm like you don't fight Kid Rock. Yeah, seems like a wild dude from Detroit. You know yeah, so Tommy Lee's whole green room is set up with like he's got like things on the walls He's got a vibe going on. He's got I don't remember. It up with like he's got like things on the walls he's got a vibe going on he's got I don't remember it was incense but he's got cool lighting it was like you walk in you're like damn this guy and John was saying yeah he just like instead of going somewhere he's just gonna get harassed he just has all his friends come over and they have a party in his green room so he turns his green room into a party so he's got these you know these places that we do

with these giant ass green rooms yeah So he has this giant ass green room that he has music, he has turntables and shit. They're playing music, they're having fun. It's like he turned his thing into a nightclub. That's fucking,

I have no vibe. Really? I have no vibe. Don't you like music? I do, but I'm kind of weird I think. Oh yeah, you're definitely weird.

I like to work out before. I still do it like we did the road at clubs. I work out right before the show. I try to work out. I take a nap, and then I shower. Yeah, we do all that, too. But I don't listen to any music. I don't know why I don't.

Once you start, it gets more and more fun. I don't do any booze or drugs before a show. I can't do anything. That's good. That's smart. We do it all. Yeah. God, I would love to do that.

We're doing key bumps of ivermectin out there. I would love to have a vibe. It's fun to have a vibe, Bert. It's fun. And when we start dancing around, and also we start talking to each other, and we start telling stories and getting excited, and when you do that, it kind of gets your...

It's almost like you're warming up. Which is bad when you've got a non-comic in the room who gets clunky. So when Tony and I are riffing, I'll be riffing with Tony, or Tony was in the middle of something, and some non-comic friend of his will just dive in with some blah. Wait, why is he my friend?

It's always his friends. They're always back there in that goddamn green room of Vulcan. They're just pissing all over the punch bowl. They pull their hogs out and just ruin the whole party. That is a bunch of baloney. Those are David Lucas's friends. I don't know whose friends who's friends but it does happen occasionally well someone will get in there and you're in the middle of getting ready to do a

show and we're like you know we've got a thing we've been doing this for a long time we've got a rhythm you know and you get warmed up you get loose and i know that if tony is on a rant like if if he hits a subject he's's like, hey, wait a minute. And then I know some shit's coming. I get out of the fucking way. But these casuals don't know how to get out of the fucking way and they go diving in. I always do a hard reset if someone gives me a premise that like I can do something about. You know what I mean? So like I'm like, oh, so, you know, you say that Susan Smith killed two of her kids or whatever

it was last night and someone else is like yeah she yeah she seriously killed her and like they give an actual answer it's like oh no they cock blocked I've had to tell the guys that he knows shut the fuck up go let him rant

let him rant cock blockers? Cock blockers. This is not true. Comedy cock blockers. No. I've brought a couple of those. What about me? I've brought a couple of those into a green room.

Do I get to talk? Do I get to talk now? Tony's like two minutes from going on stage. He's trying to say something funny. This guy's just like cock blockingblocking him, just jolting it's all flustered he's gotta leave the room and go on stage what?

this is not true I get all my moron friends out of the green room before he shows up not always not in the early days it took a while there's a conversation you have with someone before they meet Joe Not always. Not in the early days. It took a while. There's a conversation you have with someone before they meet Joe.

Oh, yeah. And I didn't do it with my parents tonight, today. I was like, I'm going to let my parents be my parents. I was going to say, like, I don't know. I'm just terrified of what my dad might say to you. It was great. They were great. Yeah, because you gave them a little speech.

I didn't give them a speech. I actually didn't. What speech would you... A lot of times if I bring people to a green room, I go, hey, you don't have to talk, so don't talk. Don't feel a need to talk. Joe talks, I talk, we're comedians, we've known each other. Don't feel like you have to jump in. And I've had people jump in before

and you're like, oh, motherfucker. The problem is it's in a green room You're like this it seems like we're just talking but we're also warming up. Yeah, like we're having fun together. We're warming up It's not like you know, we all went out to dinner Of course everybody should talk but it's not simply a conversation when you're in the green room right before a show It's a warm-up time and when you have casuals in the green room It fucks things up because, like, you know, someone will be in the middle of something

and some guy will be talking over them. You're like, Jesus Christ. Tony Woods had to tell the guy to shut the fuck up. We were in the fucking same thing at Vulcan and there was some young guy and, you know, Tony was talking and this guy wanted to talk over Tony Woods who's, like, one of the greatest storytellers of all time. Ever.

Of all time. Of all time. And so Tony's in the middle of this amazing story with this giant smile on his face, and this dude's just bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, and he finally has to go, hey man, will you shut the fuck up? Did you hear me talking? Like, what are you

doing? I'm like, you gotta get him out, man. You gotta get these guys out. Some guys are cool, and they can hang, and they understand, and they come back there. And a lot of young guys, Hans Kim is the master at it. He can be around Ron White. He never gets in the way. And he's always been like that from the jump because he's a very intelligent, respectful guy.

Yeah. But some dudes, they're just clunky. Yeah. They all want to shoot their shot sometimes. Yeah. They also think they can get tight with you. They can get in with you. And there's a certain, we were talking about this before,

there's a certain style of comic that doesn't really want to become undeniable. What they want to do is they want to just get in somehow. And they think that if they get in, you'll fucking lift them up and carry them along. And that's not how it works. It's not how it works. And those guys are fucking dead weight and they come in and they think that somehow or another that the business is all about who you know rather than you know these people because you're talented and they love you and they're you're fun to be around you're a great comic and that's that's why they know you and like

you it's not just they know you and if you get in there all of a sudden you'll be in you know hey why don't you take me with you on the road? What are you talking about? I don't even know you. This is crazy talk. Right. Why would you take a complete stranger when you work in an industry where you know so many different levels? Well, he knows. Someone will say that to you and like, bro, you know who I'm traveling with.

You're barely getting going in comedy and you're asking to go on the road with us. That's insane. But I had someone do it recently. I'm like, this is an insane question. Like, you should be getting paid professionally somewhere else first. Right. Before you ask to go do a fucking arena. Right.

And even, like, Hans, who just got that role, had to kill, what, 200 times in a row? Yeah, he killed a lot yeah he killed a lot but he also he killed and he's fun right fun to be around big smile on his face just a sweet guy sweet guy but he's also super smart too like when you talk to him about things he's got an interesting take on stuff like you'll have you'll you hear me go okay okay okay okay okay like he sees things in the unique way you know but he's still autistic so he'll say it with like mayonnaise hanging out of the side of his mouth it's like

Hans right there clean it up what autistic people don't recognize mayonnaise nah he's I don't know I'm using autistic loosely David Lucas is funny as fuck he's funny as fuck he uh he we did uh I took him to Macon he's from Maconon. And he was like, can I, mind if I do a show with you? I grew up in Macon. I'd love to do a show in Macon. And I was like, yeah, of course. And so we brought him out. And then he was like, you know, that day I'd like to make you, like, have a full black experience.

And so we're like, okay. So we go to his house and he did, like, a fish fry and made, like, hushpuppushpuh. I mean he did everything and then we went all in and we all watched Medea Hung out with his mom and his brother and his uncle and everyone it was a fucking awesome awesome day and then Came to the show and hung out with them all after the show Like took pictures and but we brought his mom up on stage with him and he was like out of stage he's like i went to prom here i was like what he's like i went to prom here it was like that's cool as man and he was like he could not have been nicer but he murdered he murdered on stage yeah he killed last night yeah he killed last night that was a hot crowd last night yeah

look at you guys look at you guys yeah how sweet but you look a little thinner than yeah how long ago was this it's been a rough tour huh it's been a rough tour not only did you watch medea that day she also joined you on stage for that picture that's so cool so you're off you're off tour now. For three months. So what's the commitment now? What are you going to do? No booze. No booze. No booze.

But you're drinking right now. Yeah, but I'm going to drink until this weekend when my parents leave. You don't want to be around your parents sober? Uh-uh. No? No. I love my parents. They're cool.

They're cool. There's a lot of moving pieces, though. Yeah. And Lacey, I talked to Lacey, Tate's girlfriend, Lacey Mackey. She's my trainer. She's coming back. We're doing two-a-days. I'm going to do a-

Two-a-days? Yeah, so I do my cardio in the morning, and then she'll come by the night. You have a cold plunge, too, right? Dude, I have the best goddamn setup in the fucking world. You got a sauna? Sauna, polar plunge, outdoor shower. Fucking shout out to Burt soren burt soren hooked me up with a fucking full rack weights i got everything you could ever fucking want i have

absolutely zero excuse because i'm home for three fucking i've never in my adult life been home for three months this is the part that clip is what's gonna play before the results video dude i i well i plan on for fully loaded i have two weeks in you know june that i'm doing fully loaded but this two weeks is fine and i'm it's a little more work than party for me because of all the moving pieces with all the comics i want to make sure they have a blast um i still have to we got to shoot his own videos on the front to help move tickets for the second weeks and so fully loaded for two weeks but i'm i'm i'm done man i'm gonna be i got i've got to just because i'm like i went to the doctor and the doctor's like hey blood works great liver's great everything's great makes no sense yeah how's your liver fine your liver's in the

green yeah yeah yeah they said it's in the green. It's enzymes. I don't know. Amazing. Wow. How much glutathione are you taking in? I do a rub every evening. A rub?

Yeah, I have a glutathione rub. Yeah. He rubs it over where the alcohol goes. Yeah. You know, glutathione helps your body process alcohol? Yeah, I do a glutathione rub on my stomach. It smells like fucking shit. Really?

And you wake up with your stomach stuck to your sheet. Why do you do that? Because I'm fucking trying to take care of myself. That's how? I do. How about drink less? It's like, no, no, no. I'm going to just smell like shit with this glutathione rub.

We do IVs pretty regularly on the road, and I do a glutathione push, and I get my IVs. Nice. You know, I think people assume I drink more than I drink. And I do drink a lot. What do you mean? Shut the fuck up with this people. We're talking about me. I know, but like-

Bitch, I know exactly how much you drink. You're talking crazy. But I think the real people that have actual problems drink when they wake up and don't work out and don't do shit. So you never just wake up and start drinking? Never. I mean, like, and I can't say never because, like, obviously if I'm fucking partying, if we're having a good time, like if me and Tom will do a shot of tequila in the morning doing two bears or something, that's a different story. But, like, when I'm on the road, which is 90% of my time, or at home, I would never have a drink in the morning ever, ever, ever.

I don't have my first drink until, like, fucking midnight. So I have my first drink on the second show when i tell the machine story when people start drinking in the morning you know they're off the rails that's what i got a friend who's drinking in the mornings now but that's the people who get real fucking damage to their body is when you don't give your body any time to recover right and and i and i like i definitely go, I mean, we get done the second show at midnight, right? Whatever. And then our wheels up is at 2. So you don't have any drinks or anything before you go on stage?

No, not at all. Do you find that your performance is better? Because I know you have drank before you went on stage. My performance is way better sober. However, I do like the occasional going up. Not at a theater. Usually I would never do it in a theater But like if I do in a club

I don't have a problem having a drink and going up and messing around or getting high and messing around and trying to figure Things out right like experimental both people paid money to come see me at a theater. I'm stone sober. They don't want that They want me hammered Like people send shots to the stage. You don't take them I've taken one and the second I took it. I just thought I thought fuck I got drugged this way What the fuck am I doing? Oh, that's right, and I had a little bit of a panic attack God damn it Ari Shaffir you see we've done to this man. Yeah, but yes I'm I mean I can't have my first drink until midnight everyone else around me is hammered

They've been drinking all night, and then we were wheels up at 2, and you fucking end up getting in bed passing out You know and I've been smoking a lot of weed lately just to cut back on my drink, and I just get high and then get my bunk, hit this fucking Blue Dream vape pen, and just fucking. Is that what you prefer? This Blue Dream is a fucking lifesaver. Dude, I sleep so sound. So fucking sound. I bought an ounce of Blue Dream to roll in joints because I enjoyed it that much.

Damn. And I take this into my bed, and I'll take, like, two puffs. I'll lay there, and I'll wait until my brain starts thinking on its own. You know, when your brain goes, you're going, like, I've got a busy day. I've got to work on that joke. Horses should be running next to me right now. You're like, wait, what? What the fuck did I come from?

And your brain's like, oh, my brain's taking over. I'm going into sleep got a busy day. I got to work on that joke. Horses should be running next to me right now. You're like, wait, what? What the fuck did I come from? And your brain's like, oh, my brain's taking over. I'm going into sleep. You just disappear, wake up in the next city, play some disc golf, fucking go. How'd you get into that? We were in Texas. It's really big in Texas. Really? Yeah, really big in Texas.

We were in Texas, and I was looking for a way to get outside. We had just been to Onnit, and John had given me a kettlebell. And I said, I'm going to take this kettlebell with me everywhere I go. That'll be one of my weight loss programs. And so we walked in and we read the kettlebell and we saw disc golf. I said, hey, we should go play disc golf. I want to play Dallas or Sugarland. And we went out and played and I fucking fell in love with it.

I used to play in college and we loved it in college. And, and, and I, there was not the amount of discs there are now back then. And all of a sudden I was like, fuck. So I put up one disc golf video of us playing and the disc golf community hit me up. And they're like, they're like, Hey man, I'm excited. Excited. You're into our sport. One, all the companies started going, let me send you some stuff.

And then we get like legit discs discs like Innova sent us everything and so I sort of disc crafts are all these places and then we started going out to disc golf and then professional disc golfers like Paige Pierce hit me up she's like hey you're in Pensacola I'm here tonight why don't you come out play disc golf with me so it's like cool and then we're playing with the greatest disc golf golfers ever and they're giving us tips and we're all getting a lot better like a lot better and that and now it's our group are my group of guys and we're all playing we're all getting better and we have access to the greatest

disc golf courses and the greatest disc golfers in the world the philo is this guy that is a genius he came to my greek show i sat with him after the show and just talked to his Golf talk talk forehands and ends and it's fun as fucking how many people are playing that why isn't it like a Big sport that it's wrecked blowing up right is it getting better I'm up right now because i had a friend that my friend john used to play it back in new york and like the 2000 no it was not it was Yeah i guess it was like the early 90s it was like 92-ish somewhere around then and i was like what are you doing he's like i'm playing just golf i

was like what the is that and he was explaining it to me it's so much fun first time i ever got drunk 14 or 15 playing disc golf with my brothers who are much older than me and uh one little bottle of the mike's hard or it was a jack daniels lynchburg lemonade it was called i remember because i'm like this stuff's fun yeah and uh i've played my whole life because it was really big in columbus ohio back then and then when i moved to cali it was that's like the mecca the oldest disc golf course i believe in the world. I think it was invented in like Pasadena or something like that. And awesome golf courses there, especially that one.

I remember that one being cool. It had like fallen trees that were like leaning against each other right at the driving tee and everything. Beautiful, beautiful courses. So you have to literally like it's way down there, but you have to first whip it through these massive trees that are right in front of you. That literally one fell onto another. So you have to bridge the gap.

You get some beautiful courses where you got to go through this long list of trees. You know what really fucking sparked it, dead honestly? I played a fucking couple rounds and I was posted on Instagram. The first person to reach out was Ben Askren. Oh, he's a big disc golfer. He's got his own course at his house. And he's like, hey man.

He built like a 29, a whole course at his house. And he's like, hey man, I got a tournament. I'd love for you to play in it. You want to come out? If you're ever in the area. Come at his house?

He has a tournament at his house. Ben Askren's fucking legit. Ben Askren is fucking legit Ben Askren is fucking legit And so then I started fucking around you know Because I if I ever get like a celebrity ever hits me up I always play with it on like Aaron Rodgers or any of those I play with it on Instagram a lot So I throw things I like yo Ben is this legal and fuck around and then as soon as Ben started tweeted about me the disc golf community heard about me and and you can tell if someone's really passionate about something or if they're not passionate

and i just people would hit me up i'd be like i'd send people my shots i could give me notes mostly i fucked my arm up doing a backhand so i've been throwing a lot of forehands what do you mean uh you fucked your arm up throwing the golf throwing this golf yeah how much that thing weigh uh 173 ounces is what i'm throwing for my driver 173 ounces it's really heavy i think it's 173 ounce it's 173 is the weight grams grams 173 grams i was like jesus you know how fucking heavy that is 173 grams a one ounce fishing weight feels like oh yeah that's not it yeah but all your numbers your weights are on your thing so like

if you're throwing into the wind you want to throw a heavier disc if you're throwing with the wind you want to throw a lighter disc

but I mean I'm obsessed I could watch disc golf all fucking day so the oh okay so it's set up in trees

that's kind of dope too that they don't have to fuck up the environment no right like they don't have to you know they don't have to cut all the grass and remove all the trees to make a chorus.

It actually kind of enhances it. I think this is Paige. Is that Paige? This is Ben's pro-am, so probably. I think that's Paige Pierce. It's kind of interesting. Why isn't this more popular? What made it more popular again? What was the cause of it

having a resurgence? Well, it's ridiculously popular. The people that play it play the hell out of it. The courses are packed all the time. It's just, like, not a mainstream. What does that mean, ridiculously popular? In terms of, like, oh, fucked it up. Type in best disc golf throws.

Like, you'll see guys throwing at 450 feet. Yeah, yeah, feet. Just don't say numbers. Be like Joe Biden. No numbers. I mean, look at Jomez. So Jomez is based out of Austin. I've hit that guy up.

They have a great disc golf channel. Type in. Oh, this one's like hole-in-ones? Yeah. Oh, so you throw it like that now? I throw it like that. Oh, wow. Yeah, this one's like hole-in-ones? Yeah. Oh, so you throw it like that now? I throw it like that. Oh, wow. Yeah.

You get addicted. I fucking love this shit. So there's like millions of people playing this, you think? Is it on television? Is it televised? No. I was going to do a, I was trying to organize a two bears, one cave disc golf tournament and get a million dollar purse.

You should. I'm trying. I'm trying. That seems like somethingbearers, one-cave disc golf tournament and get a million-dollar purse. You should. I'm trying. That seems like something you guys would totally be able to do. We'd do it in Hawaii. Innova's got a great course in Hawaii. Oh, yeah? Bring all the pros down, do a pro-am the day before, and then do a big tournament. These guys are monsters.

And we, I mean, I get access to a lot of things now. We got access to a minor league stadium the other night and we get done Amarillo. They hit us up and they're like hey man, we own the minor league stadium. You want to come over and play disc golf? And we're like boom. In the stadium? I travel with my own goal. My own fucking goal. Nice. I travel with it on the bus. I have maybe

250 discs on the bus. What? I have Joe. Wow. Dude. That's crazy. First of all, Innova, Discraft, they've all hooked me up amazingly. MVP discs. There's so many great discs that I've been hooked up with. But if I see a disc golf shop, I go and drop a fucking- You're just all in.

200 bucks. You're all in on disc golf. Oh, I'm looking for every Wraith you can possibly have. I want every plastic that you have. I want the G-Star. The Wraith is my disc. It's a great underhand disc. And so we set up a disc golf course

in a minor league stadium. And I was like, and we're just going to the fucking top decks, throwing from there, throwing like 320 feet. It's fuck. It was so much fun. So what happened to your arm?

So I was doing, Paige Pierce takes us out. And it's, I mean, really is beautiful when you watch her throw a disc, but she was showing me the proper way of really putting your hips into it, turning your back to the tee,

and then really snapping it and how important the spin was. And I threw one and I just felt like a pop and I went, whoa. And I was like, that's nothing. And then I kept throwing, kept throwing, and I was like, goddammit, it's starting to hurt. And I was like, shit.

I was like, fuck. And then I have disc golf outings set up with all these great disc golfers, and I'm like, I want to go play with them, but I'm hurt. And I'd wrap my arm up, and then I went out to this one place in Richmond, Virginia, I think, and they were like, this guy Richard took me out,

and he was like, let me show you how to throw forehand. And I was like, that's how I initially through was like more like a sidearm Mm-hmm, and I just and it didn't hurt my arm, and I was throwing a lot further really and I was like fuck I'm so further than even the traditional way you were doing it before yeah the other way I couldn't my distance was never great, but this way for whatever reason which way to most of the pros do it um But this way, for whatever reason. Which way do most of the pros do it? Most pros can do both.

And they both do both. And the guys who throw it the furthest do a backhand. And they'll spin into it and just fucking heave it. I mean, when you play with a pro, you see such a difference in their game that you're like, it's so fucking noticeable. But it's. Is a pro giving pointers? How to throw a forehand and disc golf. Yeah, I've watched all these. I think I know him.

Oh, whoa. Yeah. That thing flies. I mean, all I post on my Instagram is promo dates and disc golf shots. I mean, my Instagram, I have one slow motion I look beautiful in, but I was calling shots. I was calling shots, and it was so much fun. I was like, all right, I'm going to do an Anheuser

up around this tree, end of the fucking thing. And I called it, and I did it. And it was right by the pin. And I was like, it's so much fun. Oh, it's so much fun. We play in Austin. There's a brewery. We play in Austin. And what'sy we play in Austin and what's crazy

is like because I'm because I you know I've talked about disc golf on big podcasts on Two Bears and what not so the whole community knows me now they know I'm into it so like there's a brewery right by the airport here in Austin and they've got like a nine hole course it's a fucking badass course I roll in

they're like machine I was like what's up and they're like cold beers what disc do you machine. I was like, what's up? And they're like, cold beers? What discs do you need? And I was like, boom. Wow. And then we went out and played. Had a fucking blast. Sun was setting in Austin.

Oh, dude. Austin's a great scene for disc golf. Yes. It's a great scene for regular golf and for everything, really. We need to set up a JRE tournament between Tony Hinchcliffe and Young Jamie. Absolutely. That's what needs to go down. We need to have some sort of a televised one-on-one.

That's a good idea. Yes. That's what I'm saying. I'm saying we need to have something. I'd love to commentate that. Yeah, you and me. You and me will commentate. We'll commentate.

I don't know what the fuck is happening, so I'll have to ask you. And then I'll play the average person that's watching, and then have Tony Mike with a wireless, Jamie Mike with a wireless. Set the date. I love this. I've been waiting. Hey, hey, you know where we can do it at?

You know where we can do it at? Jamie, send me location. You know where we can do it at? Scottsdale National, Is that the course? We'll do it right here, bro. It's one of the most beautiful courses I've ever been to. We'll do it in town. Ron White bought a house on a golf course out here. Yeah, this golf course where he

lives is literally the best golf course that I've ever been on. And I've played at Pebble Beach. Whoa. I played at Pebble Beach. I played at Pebble Beach with my. Yeah. I played at Pebble Beach. That's crazy, right? I played at Pebble Beach with my dad. It's like $6,000 a person to play.

Jesus Christ. You got to get the hotel. No, you got to rent the hotel room. You can't play Pebble Beach unless you stay at Pebble Beach. Oh. You have to rent the hotel room. You have to stay at Pebble Beach. That's a scheme.

And then you got to play. We had to play Spyglass, I think. Or what's the other one? What's the other one? Spanish Oaks. We played Spanish Hill. Yeah. That's it scam. And then you gotta play, we played two, we had to play Spyglass I think. Or what's the other one? What's the other one? Spanish Oaks. We played Spanish Hill. Yeah. Spanish Hill.

That's it, yeah. We played Spanish Hill. I had an eagle at Spanish Hill. My fucking dad lost his shit, turned it into a promo video, ripped my shirt off on fucking Spanish Hill. I'm a fucking machine. Tuesday, I'll be in Louisville. Had an eagle and my dad, and I played fucking great.

And my dad played great. The next morning we go to play Pe great, and my dad played great. The next morning, we go to play Pebble Beach, and my dad's like, my back's not feeling so great. And I said, well, try taking, like, just take a Tylenol, and he goes, I think I'm gonna eat an edible. And I go, okay. So he over-prescribes himself.

And on the first hole, he's like, I think I might have eaten too much marijuana. We go to the fucking third third holes a drivable par four uh i think it's the third hole it's on a cliff and my dad goes is it just me is that cliff right right there it is too it really it's there's something about a golf course right there on that coast of California where it's like already the land and energy and life is sort of like wibbly wobbly. So even if you're sober, it's trippy as hell. Pull up pictures of Pebble Beach. Trump International.

Every time I've been right on the coast, if you're standing there. This is the trademark hole, right? This part three right there. Go back to that part three. So look at this. This is all the trademark hole, right? This par three right there. Go back to that par three. So look at this. This is all on the cliffs, right? Jesus. And my dad is higher than giraffe pussy.

He is fucking high as shit. And he is hugging the walls of the fucking, by the golf cart pass going, get away from the fucking cliff. He's having a full blown panic attack. We go to play this par three and he goes, I can't do it, buddy. I'm done. I'm done. I can't play. I paid $6,000 to play golf with him at Pebble Beach, and he gets too fucking high.

He couldn't play. This is the drivable part four. This is when he started having his panic attack. Oh, my God. Oh. That's hilarious. The next one's a part three. The one after that is the part five that you drive up

blindly and my dad at that part five I'm over by the thing and he is hugging the cart path and he's like get the fuck away from the cliff. He's sitting on the ground holding onto the grass. If you have time and you have money there's an endless amount of things you can get into. Oh yeah.

You know? This is a hard By the way way at this whole Tony I said to myself wait I've played pebble beach on Tiger Woods golf. I look how pretty that is. Oh, it's fucking gorgeous Unreal the green is so lush. Oh But what's gonna say is like if you think about people that say that they're bored like God, there's so much you can do There's so many things to get in. If you have time and money, and if you don't have time and money,

you're probably working. And if that case, you're not bored anyway. You might be bored of your job. But if you have time, if you have a need to get into something, there's so many things to get into. You just gotta be careful. It'll rob you of your time.

It's hard to get into shit, though. What kind of shit? Everything. In what way? I know it's like that's just sort of be an accident It's got you got a it's got like I've tried to get into some shit like what leather we're making I'm good fucking got into leather making cuz I needed a hobby my therapist told me I needed a fucking hobby And then I see you know I turn it into work I'm like I'm a sell these at my shows I could sell them for like 90 bucks a wallet And then bang out more wallets. I need to hire some people to help me with this leather working i turn everything into fucking work oh i see everything turns into work like i don't know

how i was saying this tom i want a hobby like i want a hobby i would love to want to hunt well you have disc golf well i have disc golf yeah yeah what am i saying yeah the second you do that two bears invitational well that, you know what it is? My brain starts going in. I reach out to these Jomez guys, and I'm like, a couple people said, hey, do you want to commentate one of these? And I go, fuck yeah. And then I was like, we'll do Two Bears Invitational.

I should come up with my own line of disc. And my brain goes into business mode too quick. I was never who I was. I don't know when the fuck this happened to me. Well, once you started making real money, and you didn't have to fucking worry about the travel channel firing you anymore. Yeah. That's what happened. That's exactly what happened.

You realize you are the master of your own destiny. And now that you've got the ball rolling, look, you've got great work ethic, man. You fucking put in the work. And that's why. And you start thinking, like, okay, I've got to hustle. I've got to keep hustling. Just like how you make these promos, it's the same kind of deal. The thing about this disc golf thing is you can actually help disc golf.

Like, I think if you guys do the Two Bears, One Cave Invitational, it will put a lot of light on disc golf. It might give it, like, a significant boost. Yeah. I want to get legit prize money for it. Yeah, you probably could do it, man. I think you could do it. I've thought about doing something similar with pool, but it's almost impossible.

It's almost impossible to get people interested in pool. Because the people that love pool love it. And everybody else, they're looking at it, they don't care. The ball's going into the hole, it doesn't mean anything. Pool is like an art form that the only people that can appreciate it are the people that play it. Yeah. If you don't play pool, you watch somebody run out. It just looks like every shot's an easy shot.

It does. It does. It's hard to explain. I think pool would benefit from, and I don't know if they have this, but, like, someone explaining it to the dummy. It would do that, but really only benefits to a player. If you don't play they'd be like people love when it's cool in a movie that's what that's when pool gets a boost like the color of money like that Tom Cruise movie after that came out pool halls were packed I remember those days because that's right around the time I first played pool I think was

like almost was that 86 what year is that what year is the color of money I had this girl that I was dating at the time she's like super competitive she wanted to beat me at pool it was like was it 86 um and uh she like we went to and we're both terrible but we're playing and I was like i'm gonna get better and i'm gonna beat this lady like fuck her i was talking a lot of shit and i remember then as time went on uh i would play it every now and then with a friend you know like you'd be at a bar as a pool table oh that'll be fun but then when i really started getting into it i realized like oh like there's layers and layers and layers to this thing and then I became I was thinking like why is this more? Popular it's interesting because it's so hard to do and it's so rewarding when you're good at it

I'm like why isn't this not more popular because it's so pool is so addictive When you get good at it, and everyone thinks they can play a little bit. Yeah, that's it color money And he's one of the rare guys Tom Cruise by the way did not know how to play pool before this movie was filmed. And they hired, rather, the people that made the movie, Martin Scorsese, hired Mike Siegel, who's a multiple-time world champion, one of the greatest pool players of all time, who was also a lefty, and he taught Tom Cruise to play pool. This little dance he's doing here?

Mm-hmm. I did this in Russia. Yeah, give me some volume on this. And this is when Paul Newman comes to the pool hall where he's supposed to be hustling. And instead of hustling, he's showing his full game and he's showing everybody how good he is. So instead of just playing pool, you know,

and just sort of doing just enough to win, he's running out and doing it having fun. Like, he's not even nervous. And he fucked up the action for the whole town. And this is very unrealistic that anybody would do this. I did that in real life. But what's not bad, though, is his actual pool playing. His stroke.

He looks good. He plays as good as a guy who doesn't really play, as you literally can. Like, the people that, like, really look like that, like, Jackie Gleason really looks like he can play. Yeah, he does. Because Jackie Gleason, if you go back and watch The Hustler, go back to the Hustler, Jackie Gleason plays pool. Jackie Gleason could play like a legitimate professional pool player.

Like he was good. He could run 100 balls, which is in the game of straight pool. That's like the club. Like if you're a real player, you actually know how to play. You can run 100 balls. That means just rack them and run them? Yeah, it's 14-1 is the game. It's either called straight pool or it's called 14-1.

And in that game, you have one ball that's the break ball on the table, and then you shoot that ball, and the cue ball slams into the rack and opens up the rest of the balls. And then you can pick any ball to shoot at, and the whole idea is to just never miss and keep shooting and get perfect position on the next shot. But when you watch him play, he moves that cue stick like a guy who's played his whole fucking life.

He plays like a real pool player. And this is, without a doubt, the very best pool player actor that we've ever seen in a movie. By a long shot. If I walked into a pool room and I saw this guy playing, I'd be like, who's that guy? I bet he really could play. Oh, no, he could play.

He grew up in pool halls in New York. Like his game was like 100% legit. So he was a comedian at the time. He was a guy from the Honeymooners, right? So this is a very rare role for him to play a very stoic, quiet, serious pool player. Like, this is not a Jackie Gleason role in terms of, like, the use of his talent. Jackie Gleason was the Honeymooners.

Jackie Gleason was Smokey and the Bandit. Jackie Gleason was, like, this big, bombastic character. Not in this movie. This movie, he's quiet. He barely talks. He barely talks. Shoot pool fast, Eddie. You know, like, they in this movie. This movie, he's quiet. He barely talks. He barely talks. Shoot pool fast, Eddie. You know, like they have this meeting. He goes, you shoot

a good stick. And they have this little banter back and forth. You shoot straight pool, mister? Now and then. You know how it is. He's got a cigarette. He's like, you're Minnesota Fats, aren't you? And he's like, who's asking? You know, they go through this whole banter while he's got see his your name Felson Eddie Felson

I hear you've been looking for me, and they have this like banter back and forth We're trying to size each other up That's like basically his dialogue the whole movie the rest of the movie is just him playing pool really yeah They had him they had him play Minnesota fats because he's a bad motherfucker on a pool table and you believed it you believe that he was the best in the world See I think I think you I remember having this conversation with you one time and you were talking about pool and doing something with pool you your interests are uh are contagious like the things you're you're i was i've said this to so many people you're probably one of the most curious people i've ever met in my life. But what you're interested in are shit I didn't know I was going to be interested in.

Like what? Oh, you name it. Fucking the mushroom guy. Remember we did a fucking Sober October thing and the mushroom guy was in here. You had a podcast with the guy that eats all the mushrooms? Yes. And Ken Stamet? Paul Stamet.

Yeah. And I didn't know anything about the guy. And then I get home and then I look into the guy. I listen to the podcast. I'm like, this guy's fucking amazing. Things you're interested in. I don't know anything about the guy and then I get home and I look into the guy I listen to the podcast and I'm like this guy's fucking amazing things you're interested in I don't give a shit about mushrooms I never eat mushrooms but I fucking watch this kind of I'm like god damn it I should eat mushrooms

but like the things you're interested in I listen to the one with the dude I don't know who the guy's name is is it that group of guys that you're friends with that are like they're all like political guys you You were talking about Project Veritas.

Project Veritas and he's a very fucking smart dude. He told a story about the girl drilling the hole in her head to release the energy so that she could I know he said trepanning that's what it's called, right? When they drill holes in their heads

No, but I don't remember someone telling someone talked about it There was a guy on the podcast who talked about a socialite who drilled a hole in her head you guys watched it Was it Eric Weinstein? It was Eric Weinstein. Yeah, so but like what you're interested in I just followed that because like you know Tommy's interested in racing. Yeah, I have no interest in racing whatsoever. Really? No I don't care at all and but Tom talks about it enough, and he's really into it. He started thinking well I know although number one thought I had was I want to learn more about this cuz I know Tom's not an idiot He likes cool stuff right he does so I put on Formula one

The fucking show on Netflix Do you guys have you seen it? No. Oh, is that the name of it? Yeah. It's fucking. It's like follow the driver. Yeah, it's fucking amazing.

So they have like an in-car camera? No, they follow the drivers throughout their journey of the season and they follow the teams. It is fucking insane. Drive to survive. Formula One, drive to survive survive so i watch it and then i realize and then and then i realize just let people introduce you to the shit they're into and then be open-minded and get into that shit and immediately i come down to tom next time i've been watching drive to survive i go we should start a race team and he

was like i'd love that i go that's all i need to know is that you'd love that because if you love it i'm gonna love it i'm gonna love watching you love it and our fans will love it and so i bought him a race car dude all you have to do joe is just be dude my whole family is pretty handy with a bow and arrow because when you got into archery i walked into a store one time they're like hey rogan's in archery you want to see our archers stuff and i was was like, looking for something for the girls to do, so I bought them the recurved bows. My whole family has got a legit fucking archery shot, because you got into it, and then Cam Haynes, I'm fucking fascinated by that guy.

Like, it's all, the shit you're interested in, other people find interesting. And if you're in the pool. Yeah, but pool is, it's a long learning curve. Long learning curve to get good at pool. I'll tell you what, man. It's almost like saying you're interested in stand-up comedy. More people should do stand-up comedy. Yeah, but a lot of people have access to trying out pool. Like my daughter, you sent those pool cues

to me. Yeah. We got some bullshit ones for the kids when they're over, and my daughter Isla pulled one of yours out and put it in her fucking room. She goes, no one fucks tos touch this it's a graphite one yeah she goes it's carbon fiber carbon fiber she goes dad this is mine and i was like okay and my kids play pool a lot yeah those are predators those are good fucking badass pool cue it's a good cue to well you know world-class professionals use those cues too it used to be that everybody wanted wood cues and now a lot of guys are playing with carbon fiber carbon fiber shafts

They're very consistent. I'm telling you man. I would just I would just I Would do something if I were you I do shoot shoot a pool show here with some press professionals put it on your you thought about It I thought about doing something. I just don't exactly know what I would do or how I do it Not quite sure. Yeah, but it's like this podcast this podcast What definitely wasn't what it is wasn't what it what started as is what it is today Yeah, but the thing is I like playing pool too Like I don't want to I don't want to play in a tournament because if I do that I'll get obsessed and then I'll start Playing eight hours a day

That's what I'm worried about. I don't have the time to just like, I can play when I want and have fun and play some games, but if I really started playing competitively, I would get crazy and then I'd want to play all the time. And then I'd start thinking about it. I'd be out at dinner if the conversation was boring, I'd be thinking about

bank shots and how to put the right inside English on a shot and move around the table to get around clusters of balls. I started thinking about shit. Yeah. Not good. It's nice to take your brain off stuff, though.

Yes. It's good for that. But archery is even better, I think. I think archery is the very best thing for taking your brain off something. There's something about just drawing back that bow and centering that sight on that target and then the perfect release of an arrow and watching it sail and right in the bullseye, it's so satisfying. When we got into archery, it was over the pandemic.

And get two whatever entry-level recurve bows for the girls. Isla's left-handed, George was right-handed. And we were all getting into it. It was fun. We had that new house we're at now. It was just property then. And Ida goes, I like this. I just don't like getting the arrows.

And I said, yeah, yeah, that sucks, but I think that's part of the fun is then you'll go check your shots and where you're at. She's like, yeah. So the next three days later, we get a delivery on Amazon and it is a hundred arrows.

And this fucking kid would just, all she cares is the swoop, swoop, swoop. And she would shoot fucking a hundred arrows and then just leave them and was done. And so if you wanted an arrow, you had to go fucking pull out a hundred fucking arrows. That's hilarious. These two idiots were shooting into our were shooting towards our neighbor's house. And I go, guys, guys. I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? And Isla's like, well, we sent it through a couple back in his yard.

I'm like, he's got a fucking dog. If he just heard, ah! Yeah. That's hilarious. That's the cool thing about being open-minded to get into shit, you know? I think it's good for your brain, too. It's also good for your brain to be a beginner. Being a beginner is important, because when you're a beginner, you learn things from the

very, like, from the first steps, and then that process of learning stuff, you get better at. And you can apply it to the next thing and the next thing. Like, the more things you can get good at, the better, because then you kind of understand what getting good at something entails. Like what's involved. And every new thing, whether it's stand-up comedy or whether it's learning how to shoot a bow, every new thing has its own little subtleties that you have to learn, its own techniques, its own difficulties that you have to overcome.

It's important. When you're just good at a thing and you just keep doing that thing over and over it's it's important it's like when you're just good at this a thing and you just keep doing that thing over and over again it's not bad it's not like it's bad to just keep trying to get better at this one thing that you're really good at it's very good in a lot of ways yeah but there's something to be said for learning new things and becoming a beginner surfing i'm sure that's always hard as fuck i'm start i'm starting that i bought two surfboards and uh we're gonna go up to the beach and stay there a lot these next three months, and just I want to learn how to surf.

I want to learn how to surf. So you're going to get a coach? Well, I have access to a bunch of pro surfers, meaning they're fans or whatever, and I've texted with a couple. And I was thinking about going down and maybe just taking like Jamie O'Brien's class like he does like a class at Turtle Bay and just doing it going down to Hawaii for a week and like Learning and then and then I wanted I just would love If it seems like eating by shark

I Last year fears. What's the first year fears? Oh dying? Not by shark. No, that the way I want to go out. I wouldn't mind getting attacked by a shark. Oh my God, Bert. We got to go out one way, right? Yeah, but don't say that. What about those wave pools?

I would love that. They have one in Waco. They've got one in Waco. I would love to do that. Action Bronson did that. That looks like the shit. Yeah, I would do that. Maybe next time I come down and do Two Bears, I'll stop by Waco and do that.

I would love to do that. They don't have one in L.A. Kelly Slater's has one, but from what I saw Casey Neistat in there, and you only get like seven minutes in the pool, and that's not enough time to learn. Yeah, well, that's one of the things that they're talking about when it comes to surfers today. Like one of the things my friend Shane Dorian was saying

is that surfers today have access to wave pools, and so young kids that have access to wave pools, they're like so advanced because they have so much time on the board. Yeah, well I saw Kyle Lenny do something about, talk about that, you said Shane Dorian's name today and I geeked out, I follow his son on Instagram. Oh yeah? Son's a badass fucking surfer.

Yeah, I would imagine. I watched them, I think I watched them take his son on Instagram. Oh, yeah? Son's a badass fucking surfer. Yeah, I would imagine. I think I watched them take his son out for his first surfing session at Jaws. But I'm fast. I love the ocean. I love the water. I love the water. That's why I love polar plunging so much. I just love everything about water.

And I would love to be able to surf I would love to be able to like take a board out go out get a great workout yeah my buddy Nathan Florence has a has a whoop his whoop numbers he'll post them on his Instagram are fucking insane just from surfing oh dude he's doing workouts that like my heart couldn't sustain I mean's, you know, he's getting caught in the inside of pipelines. So he's, like, having to, like, go under for three waves or whatever. But, like, I would love, I would love to be able to do that. I would be, like, that would be, like, I think it would probably change my brain a little bit. And I just, I've taken lessons.

I suck. But it's because I'm fat and I have a hard time getting up on the board. That's not even joking. I'm sure. When I bought the board, Joe, the kid that sold me the board goes, what are you getting these for? I said, surfing. And he goes, okay. He was really sweet.

He goes, can I give you some advice? I go again. He goes, you should work on getting off the ground. And I went, what? And he goes, no, like practice doing push-ups and stuff and getting up quick. And do a lot of that before you go out in the water. And I was like, oh, yeah, that is good advice to like I should literally see if I can pop up onto my feet from my hands because that's the hardest part. The hardest part is when you're – and then we went out surfing and I was like, man, I could catch the wave fine.

I could get myself here but the second I had to slide my feet under I had to get them past my fat fucking stomach and I was like god damn it so I was like that's my goal to lose enough weight so I can surf and I can enjoy the water like that alright so do you want to

do this with David Lucas and Red Band or do you want to do this independently I think you should do it independently. I'm doing it independently. I mean, I love those guys, but. Those guys need to be involved in something, but you should do something and just document it on social media. I'm going to.

Get fit. I'm going to measure my body. When I get home, I'm going to measure my body. Waist, stomach, tits, arms, thighs, calves. I do that. I used to do that every so often. You should hire someone to do a 3D scan. Are they going to make a video character of you?

Come on, man. We're doing it Burt Kreischer style. Burt Kreischer style is you hire someone to do a 3D scan of you. Yeah, I had to do one of those for the UFC video game. I'm in the UFC video game, so I had to stand there like this. Just stand there like this, and they spin around. I think maybe I had to throw some kicks and shit and do some moves but oh yeah because you were an unlockable character right yeah I was a character yeah so you would uh spin

around and this thing circled yeah that's me so this thing circles you and goes around you and it gets all the measurements of your body. So it gives a pretty accurate representation of what your body looks like. So you do that. We had to do that for my movie. They had to put them in the thing, and the fucking wardrobe lady gives me my clothes, and they're all really tight. And I'm like, have I gained weight?

She's like, you're fat. I don't know what to tell you. You're fat. You're fat. Oh, my God. And I was like, okay. I was like, I feel really tight. I don't remember them being this. Y'all, you've been fucking eating the whole time here in Serbia. You're fat. That's what you look like

I'm sorry like very direct is do you when you do us people that grew up in socialism? They have a different cut way to way to talk to you Jesus Christ like at one point the person Doing my beard I said I said you know i feel like you're combing my hair different she goes yes yes i said what she goes yes you need to look like uh like uh uh your stunt double and i said what do you mean she goes his hair doesn't it parts i said wait my stunt double needs to look like me and she goes no it's easier to make you look like stunt double and i was like no no no no he's never in the movie like i'm in the mood you need to make you look like stunt double. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no. He's never in the movie. Like, I'm in the movie.

You need to make him look like me. And she goes, well, it's easier to make you look like him. And so for fucking a big chunk of the movie, I look like I have a different haircut and a different beard trim. Why did you let her do that? I didn't even realize she was doing it until it was too late. And I was like, you just trimmed my. What a crazy lady. But the same thing. So we do the thing for the fitting or for an action figure of Burt Kreischer.

An action figure, right? I'm in my action figure clothes, my fight scene clothes. I'm doing the thing, and I'm like, I feel fat as shit. Like, I wasn't this fat. She goes, no, this is what you look like. This is what you look like. I do another outfit. I go, this is even fucking tighter.

And I put my shoes on. I go, my feet didn't grow. And then she looks and she goes, oh, you have the wrong outfit. That's the stunt for a stunt double. In my action figure, I'm going to be like this. I look fucking huge. It's going to be fucking hilarious, I'm sure. But I'm in someone else's clothes.

I look like I'm in someone else's clothes. That's hilarious. Yeah, that was an eye-opening. You're just harsh over there. I'm going hard. I'm going hard. I'm doing trifecta meals. Okay.

They send me meals every week. Okay. I'm doing two-a-days with Lacey. Okay. Well, we've said it. It's out there. It's out there. So now it has to be done.

I'll post it. Tony's going to get jacked. Show him the guns, Tony. See that? You're pretty muscular. Yep. It's like a Will Ferrell movie. I love Tony's belly.

Well, I can suck that in. I have abs under there. But if I let it go, this is Texas, dude. We are one lunch away from being fat here. You let it go for a little bit in the early days i was i was nasty about six months ago thank god for hot yoga it's so easy to just overeat here oh my god so much good food oh get on a tour bus oh i can imagine living why do you have your face on the tour bus because i like selling is that what it does it sells tickets

100 really oh are you fucking kidding me yeah i don't know i don't on a tour bus? Because I like selling. Is that what it does? It sells tickets? Oh, 100%. Really? Oh, are you fucking kidding me? I don't know. I don't have a tour bus. You pull into a city and everyone fucking goes, oh shit, I didn't know you were in town. Really? Yeah.

But then they know where you are at all times. That's the creepy part. But it definitely has been, the best is, I mean, the tour bus drives around the country when I'm not on it also. Oh. So you just have them drive around like a mobile ad. No, no, no like he'll drive so like he's running across country Right now and I was like yo stop by Lawrenceville, Georgia Brandon, Mississippi on your way because I'm doing those for you lease this bus or did you buy at least it? I'm gonna I think we're buying the next one, next run. They're super expensive, right?

No. No? Yeah, but not for- What you're doing. I mean, I live in that thing. And what you get out of it. Dude, I love living in a tour bus. And the guys live in there with you?

Everyone lives in there. So we're all bunking together? We all do bunks. I got rid of the bed because I wanted to make sure that everyone felt equal. Because I asked them to live in there. I want them to know I'm willing to live like they are. Oh. And so we all have bunks.

We have them condo style. Bro, that's whack. Make those motherfuckers sleep in the bunk and you get a fat, prone, beautiful bed with a golden door. It's really- You have a golden door. I had that. My first one I had- With a knocker on it.

Fucking sweet bed with a bathroom, my own bathroom. It was a badass bus. sweet bed with a bathroom, my own bathroom. It was a badass bus. And then when we did the outdoor shows last summer, or two summers ago, whatever, during the pandemic, I got us all bunks.

I was like, we're living on the bus. We're staying in a bubble. How many guys? We filled up. Everyone. Every bunk. How many people? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. So 10 guys on a bus together traveling across the country in a bus. And a woman. My tour manager is a woman.

Oh, my God. Yeah. That's wild. Dude, it's so much fun. It's so tight. Have you done it, Tony? I once did it with Brian Regan on his bus. We did an amphitheater in Detroit. Oh, that's great. And then the bus. We did an amphitheater in Detroit.

And then the next night we had an amphitheater in Toronto. So that night after Detroit, we just had the time of our lives drinking and doing whatever we wanted to on a tour bus with a bunch of comedians. It's literally like this. Like the lobby of those or the living room of those things is just as comfortable as anything. And then you have the same access to anything. So it's literally just like hanging out, but you're traveling at the same time. Do you ever do podcasts from the tour bus? I have.

It's not ideal. They're loud. Oh, the noise of the engine. Yeah, they're loud. Jamie, is that something that can be worked around? I mean, yes, but while you're moving, it makes it tough. It's pretty loud when you're driving down the road. But, man, when you get in a tour bus, there's no better feeling than,

I don't do it as much anymore, but I still do it a little bit now and then. I have antibodies. Getting on the show, I tell the audience where we're going to go party. We go to a bar. Everyone shows up to the rusty clam, right? Fucking packed wall to wall. I go behind the bar. I'm making drinks, have a blast.

Get a heads up for the tour manager. Bus is outside. You walk outside. You get on your bus. Everyone gets in. You're just coming out of the bar. Everyone's having a great time. And then just talking or doing movie night where everyone sits down and watches a great fucking movie and you're like

god damn it man i forgot apocalypto is a badass fucking movie or just watch this while you're driving yeah and then go back to the way back go back to the way back we'll smoke a blunt smoke a joint everyone will be sitting back there we're all crammed in the way back and the way back is where you used to have a bedroom it's where you used to have a bedroom now that's what is it now that's where they do their editing and uh and we keep our camera equipment and my clothes. And then everyone else keeps their clothes in the bunk. And then under the bus, we have an inflatable pool we travel with.

We have a smoker we travel with. And how long were you on this bus with these guys for? Oh, since 2020. No, but I mean, how long is a stretch? I do three weeks on, one week off. Wow. So three weeks, you guys are just in that bus every day Well three weeks we do we'll usually do one week then we'll fly out to Austin do two bears Fly back and then we'll say another two weeks and then on our days off

We'll take the bus to like we were Breckenridge. We took the breast we were on the way to through, Colorado we took it a Breckenridge and got a Airbnb and Fucking did some mountain climbing and just some fucking fun. It's and got an Airbnb and fucking did some mountain climbing and just some fucking fun it's like getting an Airbnb is the best too it sounds awesome we gotta wrap this up we got a show in a few hours oh shit I got a dinner with my parents in 30 minutes

Tony Hedgecliff you're the fucking man Kill Tony it's on YouTube every Monday you can see it live at Vulcan if you have tickets in Austin Texas but you're not going to get tickets unless you're very creative because it sells out basically instantaneously every week. And it's

the best live show in all of comedy. You want to go see a live video of what's going to be on YouTube. It's a game show kind of... It's not a game show, but it's like a live comedy show. It's not just stand-up. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a great show. Very fun live. It's great for stand-up too. It's like,

in my opinion, it's a cornerstone of comedy because it lets people know like, this is just about being funny. You know, this is not about your ideology or any nonsense. And it's like, everybody's doing the same thing. There's no shortcuts, no faking it. No, we don't do that kind of comedy around here. It's just funny. It's just be as funny as you can. You get people from all walks of life that enter in and put their name in the bucket to do a minute in front of celebrity comics,

in front of an awesome band, an amazing live crowd that is like diehards that go to it as much as they can. It's so much fun. Yeah, it's a blast. We did it last time I was in town, and I do not remember it. I know. I remember I pulled your cock out. Yeah, you got pants for a second.

It was epic. His pants were already falling off, and I was drunk, and I was like, what is this? Like half his ass was on. I'm like, if I just did this, and I just reached over and right down the knees. That was great. I was like, what is this? Like half his ass was on. And I'm like, if I just did this. And I just reached over and right down to the knees. That was great. It was a fun time. I love you guys.

Love you guys. I love you. It was great to see you, brother. Everybody knows where to get your show. Two Bears, One Cave. Are you still doing BurtCast? Still do BurtCast. BurtCast.

Still do BurtCast. You doing? Fully loaded festival two weeks in June. Red Rocks in September. Is BurtBurtBurt.com the best place to find everything? BurtBurtB in September. Is BurtBurtBurt.com the best place to find everything? BurtBurtBurt.com. BurtBurtBurt.com.

All right. Bye, everybody.