The Joe Rogan Experience - #186 - Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: February 16, 2012

Joe sits down with Ari Shaffir.

the joe rogan experience train by day joe rogan podcast by night all day yeah he said that after he beat bj penn yeah oh my god isn't that the coolest thing ever yeah he said that after he beat uh Penn. We're like, oh shit, we got to get a recording of that. Any upcoming fighters, if you want to have your own Joe Rogan experience opening, just say it after you win, and we'll put you on

and we'll stick it in there. We'll give you some propers. So, Silva? Oh yeah, some jetwaterpipes.com sent us the coolest bong ever it's badass that was that high tech one yeah that's pretty cool yeah you know what it is it's exactly like dyson for bongs like even their website like if you go to their website it's just like a dyson website it's so nicely crafted and then you don't have to like pull out the carb for it to you know to take a

hit you just push down this little thing and and it opens up the carb for you. So it's an awesome bong. I've used many, many bongs before, but that one is just tight. I want to get rid of it really bad. They took it to the next level. Yeah. They did. How do you clear out that bowl?

You pull down a little. The stem has a little lever on it, and you pull it down. And then you take it out and pop it out? Oh, the bowl just unscrews. The bowl just unscrews. Unscrews. Okay, and you can wash it out. Yeah.

And it won't break either. It's not made out of super delicate shit. I broke the bottom of the desk. Ice house. Oh, no. Really? Knocked it over with a mic cord like a retard. Yeah.

And bong water smells awesome. Bong water smells horrible. Yeah. I peed on it and smelled bad. There's no way you're cleaning that out every day. You got to get some of that stuff that you get at Petco for when your cat pisses in your That's what I use. That's so funny you said that.

I use that. You ever have a cat that pisses in your house? Yeah. We talked about it a couple weeks ago. I piss all over my fucking bed. Oh, that's right. And my fucking couch I just found out the other day. What's that?

What's that about? Like he's trying to tell you something. Like you're a punk? What's he trying to tell you? You know, it had a urinary infection of some kind. And that's where it was from, because now she's not doing it. They use that as an excuse.

I think they just like pissing on you. Yeah. That's all it is. I think they get mad. Yeah. The urinary tract infection doesn't make them pee in one specific spot. It just flowers them. Yeah.

I know when they put a bird on your pillow, that's them trying to give you a gift. Right. Yeah, exactly. Or in your front doorstep. Yeah. They're presenting that to you and letting you know they like you my other theory is that my dog has been at my veron's house for the last couple weeks and so the dog when it's usually in town just like starts like chasing the cat and like it's so i think because now that dog's gone the cat's like oh

yeah i'm gonna pee on where you always like to sit oh i see so wait a minute are you leaving the cat alone by itself a lot no i mean the dog's just uh hanging out with veron's dog at her house so they can play together right but are you ever at veron's house and not at your house for extended periods of time no not more than a day or so i think that's what it is but yeah i've left even a day i left them for weeks yeah but he knows the dog's not there so he feels all lonely or weirdly lonely. Yeah, he knows. Well, it's got two cats. They like to hate each other. Don't they hate each other, though?

No. They're just ones of old and one's an old lady. She's old. She's old. She told me the old one hates the other one, though. She's over it. She hates everyone. Everyone.

She hates the dog, hates most people. What a bitch. Yeah, fucking old cats get fucking, either they stay cool or they just become a psycho. When chicks get old, when they get like 45, they start hating 20- just become a psycho when chicks get old when they get like 45 they start hating 20 year olds that's really normal yeah it's in dogs too yeah oh man people get real angry women get angry when you don't want to fuck them anymore it's a weird thing especially if they've they've put like a big part of who they are in that yeah

yeah invested in that the big part of their they are in that. Yeah. Yeah. Invested in that. The big part of their identity and people want to fuck them. Is that I'm hot or whatever that is. Yeah. When that shit goes away, man, it's rough. You better cash in.

You imagine, I would have loved to have seen what would I, do you remember who's that woman? She was in body heat, Kathleen Turner, Kathleen Turner. Yeah. You remember what she looked like when she was young?

Yeah. What was she in? She was. Romance in the stone. Yes. So I think body heat was, or was young? Yeah. What was she in? She was... Romancing the Stone? Yes. I think Body Heat was... Or was that Sharon Stone? Was Sharon Stone Romancing the Stone?

She was one of them. She was the fake one with Michael Douglas. They were both the same people. Was it? And then the War of the Roses came later. No, there was like two. I guess I'm thinking that Romancing the Stone is like a fake Indiana Jones. Oh, yeah, yeah.

That's what it is in my head. No. It was like a fake Indiana Jones. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's what it is in my head. No. But it wasn't. It was like a little comedy. I just remember sliding down and the legs in between the heads. I feel like there was a fake one with Sharon Stone. Like a similar. Maybe that's body heat.

No, no, no, no, no, no. I mean like a similar sort of like romance sort of swashbuckler adventure type movie. Like really similar. The only thing I remember else she did was Sliver. I was like, oh, she was so hot in Basic Instinct and Sliver was such a letdown. I remember when I saw Total Recall that she was barely... I mean, she was in it, but it wasn't like a main...

You're like, wait, who's that girl? She was so hot in the first Basic Instinct, but in the second one, she was so gross. Really? Why? Because she was so gross really why oh because she was trying to be hot and sexy again and it was just like a it was like a bomb it looked like a bomb that was like seconds from going off like that's that's what it's like that's the comfort the shell is breaking apart that's the comfort level that you would have if you fucked her it

would be that feeling where you would were terrified that you were going to just stick your dick in there and she's just going to crumble into dust and her soul would screech away she crossed her legs she did that same crossing the legs thing and you're like hey what the fuck oh this is not right it was like she was trying to be sexy and slinky and there's a completely different kind of sexy that older ladies have. They can still pull off some sexy. Like women even in their 50s can still pull off some sexy. The graduate lady was pretty sexy.

Yeah, but you can't. But she wasn't 50s. You got to be like, you got to like slowly creep up on a dude and like endear yourself with your affection. You can't like spread your legs like you're 20 anymore. It doesn't work. Not only does it i got to think about how many times have you done that how many times have you done that over the years

do you have creases on the sides of your thighs from opening your legs as wide as possible so many thousands of thousands of times a year is that what the fuck's going on here you're you're you know you're 50 years old you show me your pussy. Hey! Slow down. That's a jewel. That's a gift. Does that happen? Of course it happens. Of course it happens, dude.

Somewhere. Of course it happens. Remember we were in Boston at that chickpea place and that crazy little redneck lady was like, you want to see my tits? Yeah, she kept, I know you want to see my boobs. We do not. We do not. We're on the record as we know.

Oh, come on. Here they are. And they're just flat and hangy they are they were disgusting she had no idea she didn't know that what she was showing us was a horror show she didn't know she thought it was something sexy she had breastfed like nine children they were monstrous they were fat and they were flat at the same time they were everything that's wrong in a tit do you remember that

I barely remember I just want us to see them remember we had a run out the side door yeah when the second show we didn't even stick around there was so many

knuckleheads in that crowd stupid fucking room horrible fucking packing up their Chinese food as they're on stage doing jokes they're

stuffed brown bags they're stuffing them full of leftover Chinese food. You're trying to deliver the stuff you've worked on for two years. Ari Shaffir, a little bit of a prima donna. Me, I had a good time. You wouldn't go back there? The headline if they called you?

No. They'll never call you again. I'll tell you that. It's not a place for comedy. You're done. It's not a place for comedy? No. No, I wouldn't go back either.

It wasn't. Stop doing those rooms. Yeah, well, it wasn't the best room. Didn't a girl go on stage? She just like stepped right on stage. Yeah, somebody just went on stage to take a picture with me. Yeah. Okay, just, all right.

Oh, that's right. Take a picture, I guess. Yeah. I was probably the same girl. She walked on stage in the middle of my set and wanted to take a picture. I'm like, get the fuck out of here. Yeah. What do you never see anybody outside of your neighborhood before?

Do you have all your teeth? Can I take a picture with you? The western Massachusetts is very tricky. Parts of it are beautiful, like Amherst, where UMass is. Fucking gorgeous town. Great town. It's a cool, like, it's a really interesting place because it's really intelligent. And, you know, because of the college, it's pretty much any college town

is going to have a higher level of intellect or at least curiosity. Cambridge, great place. Amazing place. But that's the city of Boston, essentially. It's just a suburb of it. But when you're in Boulder, perfect example. Boulder, great town.

One of the reasons why it's a great town and so people are so smart there is because the university's there. It always helps having a university in a town. But God but god damn it doesn't make a bunch of fucking bleeding hearts too a bunch of liberal pussies too that's the other problem yeah man you can't have it oh yeah i mean in town yeah there's not a lot of manly intellectuals in those towns yeah you know it because it becomes like really i don don't want to say manly, and you know,

like, you know, if you're fucking, you know, you got too much liberal in you, you pussy. Because at a certain point, you grow up to the point

where you're like, if you bump into somebody, you're like, oh, sorry, I didn't do that on purpose, did you? Okay,

cool. Sorry about that. You just walk away. You don't have to fucking fight. Yeah. Like a fucking dummy. No, that's not what I mean.

What I mean is, there's too many hippies. There's too many people that don't have too many hippies there's too many people that don't have their shit together there's too many people like man i don't even need many men i just need this backpack yeah and you know and people start tolerating those people like dude okay yeah this is not society's not perfect you're right you're right it's not perfect but you can't camp here yeah you can't camp in front of my house you got to get the fuck out of here you know this there's there's too much of that there yeah there's too much of people who only want to look

at the super liberal super open-minded point of view and a really interesting um there was a i think i talked about this but there was that rick santorum guy was doing a debate not a debate but a thing when we're sitting in front of a really liberal college in new hampshire and he was talking and they were talking to him about marriage and he's like i think marriage is between a man and woman there's why can't it be between a man and a man he goes okay what about this what about three men is that still marriage no no that's different well who's to say so why can't it be three men and why can't it be three men it's a really good point no but why can't it be why can't it be yeah it should be allowed to when people say what's next a When people say, what's next, a dog?

Like, yeah, okay. Unless you clearly see the dog doesn't want it. The dog, I don't think so, because the dog can't say, yes, I do. How about a tree? No. Tree's fine. Why not? Maybe you need both people to consent.

As a union between human beings. Two people to consent. Yeah, a loving union between human beings. Why can't you have three? Why can't you have four? Yeah, four or five. But these people were- And Roseanne Barr and what's his name, married Sandra Bernhardtt the other lady or zambar and tom arnold married somebody else

oh really yeah like together they married oh i don't remember that at all yeah that's interesting um yeah but these people didn't want to hear it they're like you know you're being irrelevant he's like why if if it's i'm saying it's a man or woman it's been a man or woman for thousands of years you're saying it should be a man and a man And I'm saying why not two men How about two women Can three women get married Can a man marry three women

And he's right Why can't they The social stigma of it should be everything Who cares That's it If people look at you and go Look at this crazy asshole with his three wives like i don't even want to hang around with him that should be his punishment yeah yeah but why yeah i don't get why you shouldn't be allowed to yeah exactly the only punishment should be if people think it's weird

those people won't like you that's the only punishment but these people it was really fascinating the way they were treating that that dilemma the audience. They couldn't see that. It was just as close-minded as the people, the guy who was anti-gay marriage. It was just as close-minded. They're like, no, you're being irrelevant. This is pointless. This is straw man. Straw man argument, man.

I think they should be allowed to do that stuff. That's my theory on why people are against changing the marriage ideas, changing gay marriage to include it. It's because they value their type of marriage. And when you allow other people to enter it, that is not your type of marriage, the one man on one girl. It like cheapens the value of what you have. I would say that might be true. But if that was the case, how come nobody got mad at The Bachelor or Who Wants to Marry a a millionaire or any of those fucking stupid shows. I mean, if anything did devalue what marriage is, it's drive-through marriage casinos in Vegas.

Yeah. You can just drive through. I'm sure they didn't like that when they heard about it. Yeah, but it's legal. Yeah, but that's totally legal. How can we not fight in that? You're right. I mean, you can just drive into a place and Elvis can marry you in Vegas.

What are they just holding on to? They're just holding on to like, it's just this way. This is what I have in common that you don't. It's a man and a girl. It's just people are assholes. They care about stupid shit. Why would you care? You know, look, I don't give a fuck what anybody else does.

You know, the only reason I got married is because it makes my wife feel good. She likes it. That's the reason anybody gets married. That's why women like it. The women like it. They like to be able to tell their friends they're married. Look, I had kids with her, and I'm not going anywhere. I love it.

I'm super happy. If it's written on paper or not, I'm not going anywhere. But when you see things written on paper, for some people, it has this extra significance, or culturally you're allowed to say, no, we're married. You know, like this is the level of commitment. And the fact that you're legally entangled, you know, even though it's like a ridiculous notion to get legally entangled with a person,

especially when there's 60% of them getting divorced and have to lose all their money trying to sort out their funds. They're not going to last. Yeah, most of them. They show they are not going to last. So why should you get involved? Because you love someone so much.

That's how my approach was. I'm like, I'm willing to do your ridiculous shit. Financially marry them forever? Yeah. But in looking at it that way, in just discussing it, it's all ridiculous. All marriage is ridiculous. What matters is how do you feel about a person? Do you love them?

Do you love being around them? Do you express that? Do you have something really special together? Boom. It doesn't have to be written down and a bunch of other assholes get to agree

that you're legit now. Oh, that's fucking silliness. And so, why would gay people want it? The only reason is for insurance purposes so you can visit

sick ones in the hospital, you know, loved ones. But you know what, man? Or a best friend. How about if you don't have know loved ones but you know what with a boyfriend a girlfriend or a best friend how about if you don't have a loved one and i'm you and me or the i'm you're my only friend in town and if i get sick i'll say please contact ari shafir i don't have parents ari shafir is my best friend if you contact him why can't you do that what if you move in with a chick after

like three weeks then you have to go to the hospital you're like fucking let her visit what are you trying to say abortion is that what you were yeah is gay marriage legal in canada yeah pretty pretty across the board really yeah a lot of people don't know though of course it should be legal of course it's silly but here's why when it devalues their marriage i feel like the same as when a black person moves onto your block and it devalues the property of your home and that's exactly what you're sort of doing you're like i don't want them here what if you know, like, Neil Tyson moved in on your neighborhood? That doesn't devalue your home at all. But it does.

Do you really think that would devalue it? Who's Neil Tyson? The really famous astrophysicist. Oh. Black guy. Brilliant. Super genius dude. You never seen him?

Wow. Great YouTube clips. How could it? He's a super genius. You know how it could. Super racist. Wouldn't know. They drive by and go, oh.

And he has kids. And they assume his kids will steal. Sure. Can you imagine that? My mother. Fuck. How long is that going to be around for? He's fighting his tongue.

How long is that going to be around for? My mom, we had these tennis people move under my block. It was a nice black family. And then their kids inherited it after a while. And they were a little, I don't know, wherever they were from. But they were more party people. And they had a car parked in there with some bullet holes in it. So my mom just started referring to them as the murderers.

The murderers. The murderers homes. They had a car with some bullet holes in it. Yeah. God damn. We just didn't see that. Holy shit. Yeah.

Wow. Who shot at them? Did you ever ask them? No. No. You didn't talk to the murderers? Wow. Those are the murderers. Yeah. I mean, I didn't't think they were murderers but that's actually casually referred to them that's how you were trained though you know that was in your little

head it is fascinating how much how few white people can relate to like really poor black people yeah and crime-ridden neighborhoods oh you know this's more like district nine than it is yeah like your life yeah yeah dude really bad neighborhoods like you you've seen well especially like in africa you've seen the the documentaries you ever seen uh the um vice piece on liberia uh-uh they just ended their war do you want to think it's the end of the world watch the vice piece on liberia where they're eating regular cannibalism. Normal, regular cannibalism. And this guy, one of the guys... This is during the war?

Yeah. They talk about... It's children. They would kill children. They would go over there and kill the children, sacrifice them, eat their heart

while they were alive, drink their blood, do all... Because it made them like... They believed that it made them invulnerable in battle. Charles Taylor. Crazy.

He was a crazy dictator but nobody knows him just because his name is too normal. Really? Who was he? He was that dictator in Liberia that took power.

Charles Taylor. He was vicious. What a brilliant move, just to have a really normal son. Nobody knows him. Way worse than Gaddafi or any of these people we thought were bad. Really? Horrible. What was his story?

He led all that stuff. What was his name again? Charles what? Charles Taylor. Oh, maybe I'm too stoned. I better be. I think that's the guy who makes um converse all-stars chuck taylor that's chuck taylor it sure wasn't dave yeah liberia charles taylor yeah not too

stoned you got it you nailed it the paranoia that i got it wrong he was the 22nd president of liberia from 1997 until his resignation in 2000 my friends in college had to flee really yeah whoa My friends in college had to flee. Really? Yeah. Whoa. Scary fucking place, man. Jesus Christ, it's Africa scary.

There's so many spots that are so goddamn scary. They do what they want. Why did your people take down Tower 7? Well, we talked about it. After a while, we realized, you know, we may as well just take everything down. I thought it was an insurance thing. An insurance thing?

Yeah, it's like, it was old. Fucking knock it down. You can't do anything with it. Is that what it is? It's top two gone. Just knock it down you can't do anything with the top two gone just knock it down you just decided to be better if it was a total loss yeah they probably ran it like a slum could you imagine if you actually did have buildings

already set up if every building was set up with explosives so at any point they could just like yeah so you don't have to like rig it like that was like a thing

well when you want to get your building demolished here's a good thing you just press this button and the building goes away and you just have to you know hire some monkeys to fucking pick up the pieces yeah you imagine if that's how they did

every building they couldn't because everybody would be like people would be just trying to was there another plane that was supposed to go that way supposedly when was that going to happen are they not well they locked it off too fast well i mean there was a bunch of planes one of them that got shot down that was uh supposedly um they don't know where that was headed they might have been headed for the white house yeah that's what they said don't know where that was headed. It might have been headed for the White House. Yeah, that's what they said. It was headed south. That was 93.

That was the one that they said that the people brought it down. That's rolled. Yeah, but Rumsfeld actually made a mistake in an interview and said it got shot down. Really? Yeah. He said in 93 they shot down Flight 93. He said it before. Really? There's a lot of people that are positive that, they shot down 93, Flight 93. He said it before.

Really? There's a lot of people that are positive that it was shot down because of how far the debris was. The debris went as far as like seven miles. So it was just going. Yeah. And then they made that whole story, that let's roll thing. I've heard that before. And my thought on that was like, that'd be okay if they shot that down.

Yeah. Like clearly by the other three, it's going to be... It's going to fly into something. You have to shoot it down. That's a tough choice, but you've got to do that. There were eyewitnesses that said that they saw fighter jets. Who knows? Either way, it's horrific if they crashed. It's horrific if it got shot down.

But it's somehow or another, people want to know about that, the mystery, the mystery of what happened. Do you think as they were starting to hijack, someone was in the middle of the conversation going going and you know they checked my bag they checked the whole fucking bag no because it was pre-9-11 yeah they didn't check things they're still pissed about it yeah they're probably still too much security for a lot of people some people were probably upset but the whole let's my my take on it is when bush got on when they when they told the whole story the whole let's roll story you know that the guy said let got on, when they told the whole story, the whole let's roll story,

that the guy said let's roll as they got out and they were going to go fight the terrorists and they brought the plane down. My bullshit alarm was hit ten. You're like, that's a little too honorable. It was like ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. My bullshit alarm was just going off. I was like, this is a story. I have no idea, but it does sound like a great story.

This is like Jessica Lynch. Remember they had that story where they said that they had rescued her in a hail of gunfire because she was being imprisoned by the iraqis and they saved her this brave pretty girl when it turns out she was actually in a hospital there was no gunfire at all oh yeah yeah it's horseshit like you made up a horseshit story and she came out public with it and people gave her death threats because she went against the story yeah oh dude she got a lot of death threats what was the story her story was quite simple she got she there was a some sort of a firefight or some sort of a military incident she was injured she was brought into a hospital

they came and got her from the hospital and they brought her back home okay that's her story that's what really happened what the united states said was that they had to go and rescue her. And they went in guns blazing to go get one of our own. And that didn't happen. That did not happen. What did happen? Just that? Just they went and got her at the hospital. Oh.

They went to the hospital, got her, brought her home. She was in a local hospital. She was in a hospital in Iraq. And they concocted a crazy story pretending that they had rescued her. But they got there and they were like, there they're the americans here she is and then another example is that um the uh football player what the fuck's his name oh yeah maybe somebody in human resources is really gay and he's just like oh my god they went in there and they just destroyed everything you know like he just writes these press releases that are just over exact you know it might be just a guy well

i'm sure it's one person you know and one group actually gets to decide what the story would be but the point of it is there's there's a normal fire right but they made him a hero first yeah they made him a hero first i think it's normal for them it's standard operational procedure for them to lie so anytime they get a situation to bullshit and spin the truth it seems to be the precedent it seems to be what they do you know when you whenever there's some sort of a situation and then they tell you a story you can't prove that the let's roll is not real why why do you have to go down that's why i always wondered why that if they took over the plane because they

fought to the bitter end like americans they fought just somebody we're going to die. We're going to die. Pow and pow. I don't know, man. I don't want to believe that they would lie that much. But I do believe that they would shoot down a jet. That they could, though. If they thought it was coming to the White House, they would shoot that jet down. I think you should.

I think you probably should, too. It's going to get there and hit it. It's going to kill the people anyway. It's like you're making a decision. You're killing them now. Yeah, if people can't take control of the jet, who knows? It's a tough decision, but they've just had three attacks. Yeah, right in a row.

They can't talk to this plane. They have no communication with it. It's going out of where it's supposed to fly. Yeah. See if you can pull up the audio. Pull up the audio of Donald Rumsfeld, Flight 93 shot down. Just pull up that. Donald Rumsfeld, Flight 93 shot down. I think it's on YouTubeumsfeld flight 93 shot down i think it's on

youtube he could of course he could have also been a slip he could have just i i fuck up all the time i'll say i'll say to you i'll say brian why'd you do that like he called ari brian i'm like no i didn't because you don't even realize you did you just saw in the military too right what's that he served in the military at some point rumsfeld no never really i thought all those are all chicken hawks. No, no. That's the thing about all of them. If the people who bombed the best ball in Mosul, or the people who did the bombing in Spain,

or the people who attacked the United States in New York, shot down the plane over Pennsylvania and attacked the Pentagon. Shot down the plane over Pennsylvania. No, Pentagon. Shot down the plane over Pennsylvania. No, because he's referring to the people who did the bad things. Yeah, that sounds like he was saying brought down the plane. Like shot down. Yeah, like they brought it down. They died.

But he was talking about the bad people. They wouldn't be the ones who would have shot it down anyway. Yeah, that's a bad video. Okay, so now we know. He didn't really say that. I smoked moth poop today. By accident? There was this huge moth poop today by accident there was this huge moth about this big that's been outside of my back patio for the last couple

of days and it hasn't moved like a word at all so i've been looking at it every day i mean hasn't been hasn't moved at all i don't know what i was trying to say there but it hasn't moved a word at all uh but it's it was really cool because it's fur like there's like a little patch that had like cheetah fur it looked like cheetah fur on it like it was yeah yeah cheetah pet no like cheetah like a cheetah oh like a well oh i see like the pattern was like cheetah and then there was like these weird parts that look like almost like feathers of like an hour it was just really weird like looking at it every day and then today i shut the door really hard and it fell down and it just started vibrating for about 10 minutes like it wasn't

dead it was just vibrating so i'm just sitting there looking at it and then it shits out like this orange fluorescent orange thing i think it was shit but it was like fluorescent orange it looked really weird like it didn't look real and then it flew away out of nowhere so i'm sitting there like what the fuck is that orange stuff it's is it shit and just flew away yeah so it fell the ground had an epileptic seizure for like shit all over itself and then flew away it just shit out like a like a like a super super small little bubble of like fluorescent orange shit and so i'm sitting there like playing with it with a match uh stick and i'm just like looking at the orange shit and i put on the end of my cigarette and smoked it. I don't know why I did it.

Just to see what would happen. You got a real problem, buddy. It was weird looking. It was orange. See, people are thinking there's a show on March 3rd. You fuck. People keep saying March 3rd in New York. You fucked up on the calendar.

It's May 3rd. It's May, ladies and gentlemen. For people asking about... There is a March 3rd show in new in brea california yeah but uh we had it listed as march 3rd and 4th or whatever the fuck it was in new york city it's not new york city's may so i apologize for that what's the venue you're doing um i don't know some theater what is it brian do you know uh the i no, I don't. Well, there's a UFC on Fox in New Jersey. Manhattan Center.

So we're at the Manhattan Center. And then at the Tabernacle in Atlanta on 420. Oh, shit. Crazy. I'm trying to do my special there. I'm just trying to organize it as quickly as possible. It's on April 20th too? Yeah.

I mean, it's like I have to. That's a little more – I feel like I have to. Yeah. I feel like I have to yeah i feel like i have to yeah why not you should do that and all i think that's what doug benson does every year what tapes a special every year yeah i think yeah i heard that cd on 420 you know yeah which is a he's no one is more like marijuana connected it's inexorable yeah it's inexorable you can't pull the marijuana from you can't recognize where does doug and the marijuana begin yeah where's the marijuana begin and you know and doug and you know what i mean yeah this last time that last ice house he seriously from the

beginning to the end did not stop packing bowl smoke yeah packing bowl smoke whenever people ask doug benson are you good i'm like would you just give him another pipe please yeah yeah i've never seen anybody who keeps going like that. Let him start refusing you. Which is what's really crazy is there's like a conspiracy that he doesn't really smoke weed because I guess he got on some show somewhere and gave like a half-hearted bong hit and they're like, he's not weed. Oh, that is so far from the truth.

He's a fake stoner. That is completely not right. Donald Sutherland invades the body snatchers when he found the woman at the end. He pointed her right. Remember Donald Sutherland and Invasion of the Body Snatchers? When he found the woman at the end, he was like, ah! Pointed her out. Remember that? I don't think I saw that one. Well, it's like everybody had become one of the aliens. They had been taken over by the Body Snatchers.

But a few people stayed awake and were surviving by figuring out how to stay awake. And this woman came up to Donald Sutherland because they were in the resistance were in the resistance together and she was like hey I finally got free I'm everything's fine and he looked at him because he had been taken over I never saw that oh the body snatchers dude is that a zombie movie or no it's an alien alien these pods dude it's dope it's an invasion of the body snatchers with Donald Sutherland is a fucking great movie. They did it with, not Meg Tilly? Yeah, Meg Tilly or Jennifer Tilly?

I think it was Meg Tilly. Meg Tilly was the real kind of innocent one, and Jennifer Tilly was kind of like the dirtier one. Ditsier and dirty. She plays poker. I think it was Meg. Yeah, she's apparently like a serious pro, right? Yeah.

We met her in Open Anthony. Yeah, yeah, she was cool. But Meg Ty was her sister and her sister was the star of the there was a more modern version of invasion of the body satyrs still pretty fucking good but god i remember getting like a little action movie e you know it wasn't like as good as the first one the donald sutherland one is the shit that's back when donald sutherland was just a fucking killer actor, too. I mean, he still is.

Animal House? Yeah. Donald Sutherland was fucking awesome, man. That Evasion of the Biosanctuaries, I forgot about that. I'm going to see that this week. That's a good one, man. I wonder if it's on Netflix. I saw it.

What did I go see the other night? I saw that. Oh, I saw the Wolf movie. Which one? American Warrior for London? The Grey. Oh, the gray. How was it?

It was fun. Yeah. It was fun. But it made it out like wolves are just jacking people left and right up there. Like, he was hired to shoot wolves, and the wolves were like, were running at people full clip, and he would take them out like it was a sniper. Like, that's like one of the openings which never happens man wolves don't just run on people so often that you need a guy

with a rifle who's a sniper picking the wolves off right but that's not that's not real you know so these it was weird because like he saves a guy wolves were like they were like monsters in this movie they weren't like wolves they were, he took wolves and gave them some, it was like some unnatural pack of wolves. They behaved completely unnatural. So it was like, it was part of it that was hard to swallow. I would have liked it if they were diseased. I would have liked it if it turned out that, yeah,

they had got some fucking crazy radiation. Should we experiment? Yeah, that makes sense but instead they try to play it off like these wolves are killing people wolves have only killed like a hundred people ever in the history of humanity really yeah there's like a website where there's a wikipedia but there's also another website that like documents wolf human deaths and a big majority of them i believe are in russia i think in russia it's more common they got meaner people up there and meaner wolves they got more badass people just seeing a wolf attack and a guy being killed

and he was have to yell like this is far rarer than you could imagine yeah well it's super rare there a woman died like i think in 2005 or something like that wolf attack in in in alaska but she was running and i think i think if you fuck up and you just run by a wolf in the wrong time they can't help but chase you right like a dog just like a cat with a ball yarn they'd say that's a big part of mountain lion attacks is people are jogging or people riding bikes and they just can't help but the mountain lion thinks they're running away which is the next uh operating system from by the way they announced mountain lion mountain lion which is so weird mountain lion it seems like they're getting to the Which is the next operating system from, by the way, they announced today. Mountain Lion?

Mountain Lion, which is so weird. Mountain Lion. It seems like they're getting to the bottom of the barrel of cats. Yeah, what's up with Apple and the whole cat thing? I don't know. Why are the cat operating systems? It's just like, you know,

Android with all their little names. They're just... They should name it after their endangered species and see which product or animal gets extinct first. Yeah, or name it after something smart as fuck. Well, cats are big on the internet.

Like chimpanzee. Why can't that be? You know, Mac OS 20, chimpanzee. They're going to have to leave cats. Maybe that'll be 20 from then on. You know what they'll do? They'll just genetically engineer. Because cats are pretty to look at.

I don't want to see monkeys. I love chimpanzees. I don't want to turn on my computer and see a big ape. Really? I don't want to see that. How dare you? It's like looking at a guy naked. I'd rather see a cat.

Really? Yeah. Dude, I love looking at chimps. You don't like looking at chimps? No. You're so... That's weird, though. Do you think of it that way?

You're so far removed from the animal side. No, no. I mean, if I go to the zoo, I love looking at monkeys and apes. But if I... You're a computer, you don't like it? Yeah, if I see it every day, I don't want to look at monkeys every day. That's crazy. But a cat's okay. Yeah, if I see it every day, I don't want to look at monkeys every day. That's crazy. But a cat's okay.

Yeah, I can see cats all day long. I can look at tigers almost every day because to me, they're like Avatar. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. A tiger really is like an Avatar creature. If tigers didn't exist and it was in the movie Avatar... It's so gigantic.

They're gigantic. The colors are spectacular. Right. The whites and the black stripes and the yellow and orange. Tigers are amazing looking. Why would nature ever want you to be so beautiful and so fucking vicious? That's other animals' ways of watching out for the tiger, protecting themselves.

Maybe. He got handicapped a little bit. Yeah, maybe. This guy's so badass, we've got to make him really bright. Gorillas should be bright then if they follow the same thing. No, gorillas don't kill people very rarely they kill people if people fuck up and you know jog over a nest or something like that but for the most part gorillas are vegetarians yeah yeah they eat bamboo and shit

they don't even eat animals what do you think about this virginia stuff with abortion fucking crazy they can get illegal pretty much yeah they're trying to well have you uh heard the um the thing about ultrasounds yeah they're they're they're saying that you have to get an ultrasound before you have any sort of procedure yes they want you to look at it yeah i want you to recognize that that's a life form somebody somebody somebody said that um one of the like the democrats and they said something like uh this is the first time that we have ever dictated a medical procedure, that we're commanding a medical procedure. I'm definitely... That's a weird line to cross.

It's a total weird line to cross because you're making the decision for the person. You're deciding, hey, you have to do the... They know they could get an ultrasound if they wanted to. They know they can see... You're making them? Yeah. You're making them look at it. That doesn't make sense to me.

I don't see why you would make him. I need you to feel this one more time before you do it. Yeah. We know what's going on here. The real issue is what's going on here. What's going on here is you're killing a baby. Yeah. Well, one guy said it.

He goes, the only reason it's legal, one of the Republicans, the only reason it's legal is because it's for convenience. Yeah. And I was like, yeah, that's true. It is true. That's what we've decided as a society. Yeah. We'll let that go.

Yeah, but it's a weird line, right, though? Yeah. Because at a certain age, you can't do it anymore. Yeah, at some point, it's too weird. It's too crazy. But that's what we do all the time. That's why we raise the speed limit five miles an hour when you know this is going to mean more deaths this year.

Dude, I had a friend back in New York who his girl got a late-term abortion. Really? Late. Like, really like really late like it was illegal and it was still have a number i don't it was uh it was really crazy because she was showing really whoa yeah yeah she was showing and uh and she had an abortion it's fucking dark man. It was dark. And they went on to have children together, which is even crazier. They went on to have children together. But at the time, I was really freaked out by it. Really freaked out.

Because I don't remember how many months it was in, but it was enough where, you know, they told me, and I was like, oh, shit. Like, this is dark, man. You know, it's... I think I should be allowed to. You should be allowed what? To do that, too that too what do you mean late-term abortions you should be allowed to do them yeah no no i mean like get them oh you should be able to get them yeah you're crazy wow it's the same

thing there's no reason for that life clearly at some point it's like this life's gonna continue no i think whatever it is right now is fine i think that's enough time for you to find out that you're pregnant and you need to either make the decision yes or no. But I think anything after that, that's just laziness. After what? Like late-term abortions. What month is that? I think three.

Is that what it is? Is that the longest you can go? No, I think it's late-term or six and on. No, I'm saying what it is now. Think of that. I don't know. Six months. Think of six months.

Jesus Christ, that's a baby people live I would still want to do it at four that's crazy see that's just to me that's just disturbing why is that crazy it's all human life

it's very clearly human life I see the difference between I know but let me let me get let me be real with you here part of part of what you're saying you're kind of being

objective about it and you're being honest about it but part of what you're saying is a little bit for shock value but no four months you can't even see a bulge at that point oh yes you can yes four months yes maybe you've ever been to the science museum go look at four months yes you can so but three months you can't but four months you can i don't that's the exact line months you can as well look this up i think three months you can as well so then you can see it's still okay to do it then i think okay let's look at fetus. I think it's remarkably soon that you could tell it's a person.

Have you seen a baby's butthole before? Fetus butthole. Oh, Brian. So when would you think it should be illegal? As soon as you could see any sort of bulge? Yeah, look at this. Three months, dude. But that's what you're saying?

That's when you think it should be gone? This is three weeks. I mean, this is 13 weeks. That's a baby, man. It's a fucking baby. No, I meant... It's sucking its thumb at three months. See, that's two.

No, I meant, like, can you see it through the stomach? Can you see a bulge in the woman's stomach? That is... No, I wouldn't say that. You're just showing me a picture of it. I don't know how much blown that up is. Maybe, I think, for different... Some women, yeah.

So, okay, you're saying that's too far. That's an actual... That's too far. And it's like, how far back... That's an ultrasound, by the way. That's not a real image. This is a real image. This is an image of what it's represented. This is what it looks like. Yeah, it's a human life. Yeah. But it's like how far back sound by the way that's not a real image this is a real image this is an

image of what it's represented this is what it looks like yeah it's a human life yeah but it's a human life almost immediately um you're saying with our with our current microscopic uh like abilities as soon as you can make it out based on that that's how where it should be illegal that's where it's life well it's it's interesting that's that's a really it's interesting. That's a really good question. That's so random. It is a really good question. But at what point in time does it become a life? Does it become a life when it's two cells? No.

Is it 20 cells? No. I think as soon as it can start moving on its own, it can start leading to life. Then it's like life. But it's life inside you, man. When you have children, when your wife is pregnant, or if you ever have a girl that's pregnant, you her stomach when you know the baby's only a few months

old they start kicking man so it's when you can feel it through the stomach skin i mean that's some living thing inside of her i don't i don't know before you can feel it like the week before you can feel it that's not a living thing um no it's still living it's not quite strong enough to get to the skin layer it's moving i'm saying it's it's a it's a living thing yeah i mean when it's living way before that but it can't it can't like you don't know that it's moving i'm saying it's it's a it's a living thing yeah i mean when it's living way before that but it can't it can't like you don't know that it's moving around until you start so it's when you can feel that's what you think it's when i know it's just saying hand you should feel i'm just saying early on it's moving long before this late-term abortion shit it's moving you know

i don't know when you should be able to draw a line but it is a it's a philosophical and a moral question right it's like at what time does it's a philosophical and a moral question right it's like at what time does it become a life and no one has really wrapped their head around that but for a lot of liberal people they don't even want to address the argument it becomes more of of you trying to take away the a woman's right to choose well look at their names of the two of the two they're not even against each other one is pro-life the other is not anti-life right and one is pro-choice the other one's not against people having choices yeah but it's the choice to kill you that's my choice yeah but they're like one's pro-life one's they're not even talking about the same things

sort of they are though it should be one's pro-life one's pro-death what's really crazy is that most pro-life people are also pro-war really it's one of the funniest things ever man this is it's the weirdest thing ever. I mean, the numbers are staggering. How many people are concerned about the babies and how many people are out there? And they're the same people that support the war. They're the same people that would be happy to support the troops.

Do you ever have a drive by one of those, a bunch of groups of fucking weirdos get on the corner with flags and big signs? Honk if you support our troops like how is this helping anybody at all how is this how is this boosting morale for people who aren't really there is it is it for the random soldier or two that may be getting shipped off and gets to see this before they leave yeah what is this for is this some what kind of rah rah rah dedication what do you think what do you think this is yeah but people they'll get mad at you if you don't honk. I've seen, there was on the corner about three or four miles away from here,

there was this one intersection that was like a hot intersection for some reason for gay marriage folks, people that were anti-gay marriage, and people that were into the war. The same corner. And remember that Proposition 8 shit

when that was going down? They were all just lined up. You know, marriage is between a man and a woman. God does not end up fucking quoting psalms and shit and holding it up. Honk if you believe marriage is for a man and a woman. And the other time was this war thing. And people were fucking screaming at them. You know, people screaming at each other.

You know, get the fuck out of America. You know, people screaming at each other. You know, get the fuck out of America. There was several times where I drove by where people in cars were screaming at the people on the street. And they were screaming back and forth at each other. You should just arrest them because it's against the law for you to honk your horn. So telling people to honk your horn. How can it be against the law to honk your horn? It is.

Why do you have a horn? It's only for emergencies. No way. You can get a ticket for honking a horn for no reason. Really? For no reason? How do you know it's no reason? Maybe you saw some shit.

I saw some shit. Right. I saw some shit. I saw a hot deer. I thought I saw some shit. What's the reason? Did you see that guy that was coming? No, the other lane.

The guy that was coming towards me? There's something wrong with his headlight. Yeah. But still, it's telling you to do something illegal and people are holding signs up for Is that really illegal? I feel like that's one of those myths. I feel like you should be able to drive through an intersection and honk at your friends.

Can you do that? I think it's one of those things where it's illegal, but no one's ever going to take it for it unless you've started just honking your horn for no reason. If you saw someone in the corner and there was a cop there and you went, bam, bam, what's up? Do you think you get arrested for that? I wouldn't say you get arrested, but you get a but get a ticket you get fine probably or a warning most likely

we got too many rules there's way too many if that really is a law that's that's pathetic i don't know if it is yeah i mean you shouldn't be a cunt you shouldn't be blaring your fucking hormone everywhere but there shouldn't be a law against it there's a really interesting video online um it's taken in nevada where some dude went through a sobriety checkpoint and wouldn't answer any of the questions. Oh, I remember that. Did you see it? Yeah.

He goes, I know my rights. I rolled down your window, please. He goes, no, is that a direct command or not? And the guy's like, please roll down your window. He's like, no, I will not. He just kept standing there disobeying. There's actually a few of those videos online. But that is what, when a cop says, you know,

I want to check your car, you don't have to say yes. You say no. It's not that much criminology class. They always say, can I? Yeah, they say it in an asking manner. Ma'am, can you please open the car door? Ma'am, can you pop the truck, please? You know, they say, alright, we're going to check your car, okay?

That okay in the end is really important. Because you go, oh, no. No, you're not going to check my car. Alright,'re going to bring the dogs go get your dogs okay that's that's procedure is that what you need to do some weird dude checking my trunk yeah they have to ask in a way that's that's asking they can't say open up the trunk yeah they can't say that the problem is they'll just get the dog and then they have this something to tell the dog to make the dog bark and go yep all right we're checking your car now if they well, how many how many times do you think cops actually plant evidence? You think that's I don't think they plant evidence. Oh, they fuck

I mean for the majority, I'm sure they have they have planted evidence, but I don't think so See the cops playing every day and all of them a humongous majority has never planted any evidence I mean if you watch cops, everyone says the cop is planting evidence but you know that fucking guy's just well why would i do that now do you remember that movie cocaine cowboys do you remember that movie that was the movie of the documentary about the the 80s in miami and how fucking crazy the cocaine world was do you remember that shit one of the things we talked about was that there was one year where an entire class of the police academy yeah the graduating class all of them either wound up dead or wound up in jail for uh for corruption really all the whole police department i bet it becomes systemic after a while yeah where they all just like tell the other ones is how we do

stuff i'm like all right there's a way it's done especially the money amount of money that's involved in cocaine in miami in the 80s it must have been fucking completely crazy there's a way it's done. Especially the money, amount of money that's involved in cocaine in Miami in the 80s. It must have been fucking completely crazy. There's a lot of good cops. Most cops are good cops. The problem is, look, most people are great. Most people that I meet day to day in my life are fine folk. There's only occasionally one or two people out of the vast majority that suck. And those stand out and you go off fucking people suck

but for the most part look in america and you know in a nice place like los angeles where people are doing pretty good for the most part i mean you know we're not starving to death people are pretty goddamn nice it's pretty civil most people are cool you know the majority the vast majority are cool yeah but if a few of them are cunts you'll start going people are cunts same thing with power so hard that it's like some do but some don't at all you know one of what i was going to say about the video where the the cop was talking to the um the guy and the guy wouldn't answer any questions one of the things that was interesting about it was uh how fucking together the cops were keeping him while this guy was being kind of shitty i was like i guess they

knew they were being filmed or something. Yeah. There was a little bit of that too because he had a camera and he held it up to them asking them what their name was. Wait, the cop held it together? Yeah, both,

they had two cops. His supervisor came over as well. Yeah. You know, but they're just trying to make sure people aren't drunk. You know? I love when they get caught

with the camera that's in their own car. They're like, you know that's there. Yeah, they're dumb. And it's like, do you get so complacent that you just feel like what you're doing is right they feel like they're going to be able to erase

the evidence how old is this stuff i don't know it's probably a decade old decade old do you think it works yeah it tastes shitty tastes shitty but you think it's getting you high probably i'm still pretty high there's a place down the street that used to be one of those um urgent care centers and now it's a medical marijuana place. Really? Not so urgent care. Just get there when you need it. You didn't want a lot of money in that.

Now they prescribe weed licenses. There's so many of those billboards where you drive around. People who don't live in LA have no idea what the fuck

is going on here. This place is crazy. There is maybe Denver. Denver is really close. Denver is just like this. Really? There's a bunch of areas in denver across the street from the pharmacy there's a place that opened like

they're opening across from each other across from each other they're like they're it's ridiculous it's one of the the craziest things you'll ever experience in your life and it's one of the reasons why so many of them are getting shut down what people don't realize is how many of them there are when you hear about all these pot shops are getting shut down it's terrible the pot shops are getting shut down absolutely it's terrible they're being prosecuted shut down. Absolutely. It's terrible they're being prosecuted, especially the people that didn't even do anything wrong. There's a bunch of people that are being unfairly targeted, but there's also a bunch of dudes

who are making a shitload of money selling weed. They would have been in porn. There's some people that it's like, you can't even open a shoe store without filling paperwork out. But they're like, nah, fuck it, we're selling weed. And you're like, you can't do, that doesn't give you a license to just do nothing. Like our douchey friend that we were talking about that left his job and now is making tons of money selling weed.

He's no shining light of psychedelic love. He's a cunt. He's a farmer. He's a cunt. That's what he's doing. He's a farmer. He's a farmer. What's cool is that place that's next to the ice house, you can actually rent a space and grow weed there.

Oh, yeah. And they give you all the chemicals and all that shit there. That's like a real co-op, right? Yeah. So it's like a place where you can just rent and grow your own shit.

Oh, wow. Like community gardens, but only for weed gardens. Exactly. That's so dope. Welcome to America. Yeah, we're going to have to have those guys come on the show,

but I don't know if they want to go public. Which guys? The guys from that place, from that community garden. Oh, right. The guys who run that place. Oh, yeah.

We'll have them come on with anonymous masks. Yeah, you ask them. It's like, do you want to do it? Here guys from that place. From that community garden. Oh, right. The guys who run that place. Oh, yeah. We'll have them come on with anonymous masks on. Yeah, you ask them. It's like, do you want to do it? Here's what entails. Yeah, I wouldn't do it if I was them. I'd want to stay as low-key as possible. I asked an owner I know, would you break down everything? He goes, no, no, no.

I couldn't. No. I don't want to call that kind of attention to me. Yeah, you don't want anybody looking at you as the target. So that guy from Oakserdam in Oakland, he doesn't mind. He likes being a public spokesman. Yeah, but I mean, haven't they gone after him a bunch of times? Probably.

I think there's a big issue right now with what they're allowed to write off. It's not like a regular business. They're not allowed to write off the rent. But they won't take taxes from him still, I thought. That's what we're just trying to make legal so they can take taxes, but they don't already. Well, they must be taking some taxes from medical weed. I think it's a huge form of tax revenue, isn't it? Medical weed? I know. On their own, they said, we're going to pay taxes. taking some taxes from medical weed i think it's a huge form of tax revenue isn't it medical weed

i know they said they on their own they said we're gonna pay taxes let's find out medical marijuana tax taxation tax revenue business what about him like are they now paying tax because they have to or are they just doing it because they've owned let's find out volunteer still and voters approve it okay so they had to approve it. This is what it is. Voters had to approve marijuana tax revenue measure. Okay, what's the measure? 60% of voters decided Tuesday to honor measure M,

a city-wide ballot measure that imposes new taxes on the sales of medical marijuana at brick and mortar dispensaries it allows city tax officials and mortar dispensaries fifty dollars out of each one thousand in gross reimbursements so that's five percent fifty dollars out of one thousand yeah isn't it that's five percent yeah so how much will they already get five percent is what their taxes that's pretty good the sales tax is 8.25. That's on top of that, I think. Oh, really? I think there's a city tax.

I think it's a marijuana, Los Angeles marijuana tax. Whatever, man. Pay the tax. You're getting to make a fucking shitload of money, and you're spreading that love. Pay the tax. That's what I would say. They're making plenty of money. Yeah, they are.

Lower your prices a little bit, West Hollywood. Lower your prices a little bit. Whoa, Ari just stepped up. I feel Ari just stepped up. It's starting to get out of hand. It is. The pharmacy is a joke. Tell me. It's so expensive. Lower your prices a little bit. Whoa, Ari just stepped up. I feel Ari just stepped up. It's starting to get out of hand. It is. The pharmacy is a joke. Tell me, tell me.

It's so expensive. The pharmacy is a joke? It's $75 for an eighth, and it's not that great. It's like, it's good. It's good. Homeboy sold me an ounce for how much? Was it $2.60? $2.50.

$2.50. Oh, yeah. And that shit puts you straight on the move. Oh, yeah. That's my favorite. That's my favorite. That's my favorite weed. His OG Kush is just the greatest.

Yeah, you bypass the stores. But I support the stores because I want to be able to go to them. It makes sense. I know that if I go straight to the grower, you can get it. Your lungs support great weed. So Smoker, that guy gives you on wholesale prices. Yeah, I don't need to make that money that bad. I would rather give that extra $100 or whatever to the store so that they can make some profit and they can keep open.

I like the convenience of it. They can't make a profit, though, profit though supposedly but they're not allowed to make profit oh yeah i just read something like that they were like that's completely wrong is it i just read that where they're like that's absolutely wrong that's just a misinterpretation of this rule yeah i just read something it's in the like recent like web huh yeah it was on dig i thought they weren't allowed to uh make profit but they were allowed to be like, all right, you're getting paid $30 an hour. I think the way it goes is you're not allowed to make profit like a normal corporation would.

But the way you can do it is you can take a salary. Say if you run the place, you could take a salary which is commensurate for someone who would be in your type of business. So you could make a salary of $100,000 a year. And the way Todd McCormick was telling me, one of the things that they do is, especially that Oaksham guy, they funnel a lot of the money back into the community in the form of charity, in the form of grants.

They do a lot of different things with their money. And the guy who runs it takes the salary, pays all the employees the salary, but you're not allowed to strictly get rich off it you can't make it's not like the guy who owns it can make 60%

of the profits yeah this article said you can make as much as you want really? it wasn't that thing well that's not what McCormick was telling me

he was telling me you can't fuck I wish I could he was telling me that you have to you take a salary and that's how it works and that's what your profit is?

just your salary yeah but you could still a salary for a business that size like what's what is commensurate a few hundred thousand dollars a year i'm sure you know i mean if you were running some u-haul fucking empire you'd you know it's with which is dealing with the same amount of money or something u-haul is a terrible example but you know i'm saying yeah you'd make a good good chunk of change you know. A CEO for some big fucking company makes a lot of goddamn money.

If you're the CEO for some giant marijuana collective that's responsible for millions of dollars worth of business every year, you should be getting paid well, right? Yeah. I think. That's what the CEOs of the banks did. They're not as profitable.

Too many rules. Bro. There's too many rules. There's not enough rules as far as protecting the environment and too many rules when it comes to everything else. Yeah. Goddamn twat rockets. I got a PS Vita, Joe.

This came out yesterday. What's PS Vita? It actually doesn't come out until the 22nd. Is this a video game device? But this is the new thing all the kids are talking about. It's a new PlayStation thing. Yeah. And it's got a touchscreen on the back and the front.

On the back? It's got 3G built in, AT&T 3G. How does the back work? The back just has a panel, and it's touch sensitive. So it feels your fingers? Yeah, so you can use it with your steering. Oh, wow. And it's also got double joysticks.

Check this out. It's got touchscreen in the front, finally. It's pretty cool. I've only got to play with it a little bit today. I have an unboxing video at DeathSquad.tv. What's it called again? It's called the PS Vita. What kind of games do you get in this sucker?

What's cool is the graphics are amazing. They look like a home console video game. You can do your Netflix on here. Since it has 3G, you can do all the stuff that you can do like on a like a tablet it has two cameras and you can surf the web on that yeah you could do camera front in the back and everything how's the battery life uh battery's about five and a half hours six hours uh it's it's pretty badass though it just came out it comes out the 22nd but you can buy an early version of it they send you one early uh i ordered they have a early like for people that pre-ordered it you can buy an early version of it. They send you one early? I ordered, they have an early,

like for people that pre-ordered it, you can get it a week early. What is that noise? Is that making stupid music? Is that Sonic the Hedgehog? No. Can you shut that stupid shit off? Oh, it is that.

I don't know how to turn it off. Oh, that's ridiculous. Just kidding. There's a lot of stuff to do. It's so cool. Why would the music be so stupid? Oh, here we go. Medical marijuana profit is allowed under California law.

Should I read it? Sure. Yeah. Fuck. I can't hear my Wi-Fi here eventually. Oh, when it loads up. Then I'll read it. But yeah, I'm doing a review on it at DeathSquad.tv.

How is it? Is it fun? So far, it's pretty awesome. I like how it has 3G and you don't have any contracts. You can just pay as you go. The camera's not that good, but the graphics, the screen's amazing. The games are amazing. You could download

a lot of the previous consoles. So nowadays, they're kind of switching to where you download your video games instead of buying to the store. Oh, really?

Oh, that makes sense. So instead of getting a disc, you just download it. So you just insert it and you just download it. Right. And then you can delete it if you want to?

You can delete it or whatever. They're really going to get rid of discs. Oh, you think just completely? Everything everything's gonna be in the cloud download i guess so i don't like that though yeah i like my landline i don't want to record this phone i don't want to talk to you so bad i'll do it right here i'm like an old man i don't want everything in the cloud i do like the cloud if they do it right like itunes just recently

switched over to doing it right where like it shows you all the purchased songs that you've ever downloaded on iTunes. Zero purchases. And you can re-download. 900 gigabytes of total songs. Oh, are you allowed to talk about what happened? In Minnesota? Yeah. Yeah.

Because I only know pieces of this. Are you sure you're allowed? Yeah, that's the first pieces I have to leave out. All right. There was a thing that Ari Shaffir does. It's a lark. I mean, he pretends that what he's doing is hiding marijuana all around town, and then he calls it a hunt for the edible.

When it's really just lollipops. It's really just candy. Tootsie rolls. He wouldn't do that to you. You can't handle it. It would be cute if you could handle it, but you can't handle it. So that said. But coincidentally, I do live in a state where they could sell really small stuff all the time.

Right. And anyone pretty much here can buy it. It's totally legal for us here. Yeah. So what happened? So yeah, I've had them before where I had little scavenger hunts for this clearly fake, only tobacco product. Yeah. It's not marijuana

whatever you think it is just and if you got high from it placebo effect it's amazing diabetes yeah it's freaky man i got dizzy yeah it's fun people just i make some clues and people just find it and you make some weird organizing this through twitter uh-huh it seems like a solid plan well it's good that you're not using real pot because oh that's why it's totally great fucking heart attacks and freak the fuck out did so you did this so usually i do them not in a in a specific type of place you know i'll just do them somewhere like out right i did it this time i tried doing it the mall of america you know that's like fort knox yeah they're all locked down now, I guess.

They have their own security and they have regular police there too. And so what happened? Well, I decided instead of hiding it like outside, like near a pillar or something, I figured there'd be less cameras so I should go into a store and hide it there. Right.

Maybe like increase business for them. Right. And so I did that. Still thinking. Grubby hippies out looking for fucking free weed also like what kind of clues can i get like what's it around that i can think of a clue for right um and then i found a place and then i left it was like good about a bang about a boom then i waited for like you know a few hours started writing the clues um and then

i started releasing them it was great and people are looking for it. First, I narrowed down, like, the side of the mall, then, like, a floor, and then, like, the store, and then, like, where. Anyway, so the show had just started. The emcee was on. I was texting outside, and I just saw a cop to my right

and two security to my left just standing there. And they're like, Ari? And I was like, I looked up, and I was like, oh, fuck. Well, this is happening now. I really didn't think it would. Oh, my God. Yeah. And, yeah, I was like, oh, fuck. Well, this is happening now. I really didn't think it would.

Yeah. And yeah, I was like, fuck. And they're like, I got to talk to you for a while. I'm like, oh, hey, this is totally cool. Somebody's got to go inside right now and just let them know that I'm in trouble because they're going to have to find somebody like really soon. Like the show just started. They got like 40 minutes to find someone to headline. Right.

Like nearby in Minneapolis. So just let them know. Right. That this is happening. So they did whatever. started they got like 40 minutes to find someone to headline right like nearby in minneapolis so just let them know right that this is happening so they did whatever the cop let's just say let's just say he was cool um so he didn't find any specific evidence um so that wasn't a problem but in the mall security was trying to say i couldn't go on they were going to ban me from the mall and the club was in the mall oh yeah and then rick brunson the owner had to get on the phone and start yelling at him saying who the fuck are you you're gonna cost me money because that idiot had a fucking hide pot somewhere or hide fake pot for tobacco that's

what he called you an idiot he said yeah to the security it's like you're not gonna cost me a bunch of money in refunds and disappoint all those people because he wants to be a fucking moron wow i explained that what happened to like what is it i'm like it's just for fun it's where i'm where i go it's totally legal and it's just i want other people to have fun even though it's fake even though it's fake yes even though it's fake yes but i think they they understood that they're like you can't even do that in california because it's only legal with a license and you don't know if a kid's gonna grab it and be like but it isn't illegal that's the thing it's decriminalized in california to a certain amount as long as you don't think you're

distributing it. Some people ask me, what happens when a 15-year-old gets it? I'm like, yeah. He gets high. Great time for him. What do you mean? There's no problem there. He gets a buzz during his first sex. I'm pretty sure the kid's going to have I tell you how much it takes. These kids who got them came the next day to the show. They did? Yeah.

Oh, well, lucky it wasn't really weed. Yeah. Oh, yeah. What happened was the people who went to the underwear aisle of that They did? Yeah. Oh, well, lucky it wasn't really weed. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. What happened was the people who went to the underwear aisle of that store, that I shouldn't say because that lady was pretty cool too. Right. I'm going to go on a limb and say it was. Don't say which store.

She was cool. She was like, I'm not going to press charges. Please take down any mention of my store so I don't get in trouble. So it was a male clothing store. I wanted to hire Elaine Bryant at a fat chick store, but i didn't think i could get in there without being noticed yeah well like why would i even be in there yeah because you look like somebody that would date a fat person yeah do you really think he looks like someone who did no and that was totally a joke in some ways if the world gets dark um yeah so the first people went and got it in the underwear aisle, and the next people came in, and they couldn't find it, so they started tearing everything up, like looking

for it. So that was an unintended consequence. That sucks. Yeah, but no trouble. They let me off like five minutes before I had to go on. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. Did you go on stage and immediately talk about it?

Yeah, of course. Of course you did. It's the first thing on my mouth. Yeah. I was like, sorry, everybody. I'm just, whew. I was just, yeah, Rick Brunson, of course. Of course you did. It's the first thing on my mouth. Yeah. I was like, sorry, everybody. I'm just, I was just, yeah, Rick Brunson,

he got on the phone with me. They were like, he wants to talk to you on the phone because he was in Edmonton on his landline. And he was like, hey, first things first, you need to act like I'm yelling at you. Okay?

So now, is your smile gone? And I was like, yeah. And I started laughing. He goes, don't laugh. Don't laugh. I'm serious. He goes, it's not going to be

any problem at all. I'm like, sorry, dude, for getting here. He goes, I don't fucking care. It's totally cool. I think if you've been running a comedy club as long as that guy's been He goes, it's not going to be any problem at all. I'm like, sorry, dude, for getting here. He goes, I don't fucking care. It's totally cool. I think if you've been running a comedy club as long as that guy's doing it. He's also a comic. He's like, whatever.

I know. It's totally fine. Yeah, you've got to be careful, though. That's crazy. Yeah. So no full repercussions. You've got to be fucking careful. That shit's super illegal in certain parts of this country.

Yeah. And we don't realize it because, as we said here. It's lame, though. That's another lame one. What are you guys doing? It's just so lame. So your new thing is taking liquid acid and squirting it into the audience.

Yeah. Can you imagine if you did that? The best is I was standing there with security and some people came up for the late show or something. And they're like, oh, we brought something for you. And they open up their purse. I was like, no, no. No, no, no. But then she was like, it's okay. I'm looking behind. I'm like, duh.

And it was just Swedish Fish so it was alright Swedish Fish what is that just some like gummy product oh is it good that's hilarious yeah it's delicious

I offered it to the cops and the lady cop was super hot really like super hot like how hot like I was hi what how hot

like an LA 8 wow like legit like I kept looking at her and I was like you guys should come in you totally should come in you tried to get her to come to the show I mean try I couldn't go her and I was like, you guys should come in. You totally should come in. You tried to get her to come to the show?

I mean, I couldn't go fully like, so when you get off, we should hang out. She should have totally gone right there. I regret not doing it. She was so pretty.

Why not? Maybe that would have worked. Maybe that would have worked. Maybe it would have. Maybe she's starving for some intellectual conversation, a funny guy, great sense of humor.

She seemed like she got it too. Banger with the hat on. Totally keep the hat on. Or maybe she was dating the other really nice cop guy and maybe he would have thrown you in prison he probably fucks her

every time they shoot somebody god that's the deal mall cops don't shoot people every now and then dude shit gets crazy did you hear about the mall cop what

she wasn't even a real cop she wasn't the real cop she was part of the mall cop damn hot mall cop she was so pretty man I was like you guys should have come

was she responsive at all to you she would smile they she knew that it was just something being an idiot the guy mall cop was trying to pretend like he was a badass but he couldn't really keep it going that much and then the head of security was trying to really enforce the law oh but who fucking cares could have gotten in trouble trouble, buddy. I could have. I could have went to jail. Yeah. What if somebody just showed up with a joint and said, this dirty Jew gave me this joint?

They could say that now. And I smoked it. Whoa. Don't be giving that shit out. Yeah, stop doing that. We're going to have Be Real from Cypress Hill on soon. Whoa, that's cool. Yeah.

I've been going back and forth with him on Twitter. And Arj Barker, he's going to be on too. But one of the things about, yeah, he's in America until Monday. One of the things about Be Real from Cypress Hill that he and I share is that he won't just take weed from strangers. He won't. He won't smoke their weed. Doug Benson does it from everybody. Yeah, Doug Benson does.

He gets high with people all the time. But the government's probably getting high with him too, and they're probably giving him some weed that's got little GPS signals in it. He needs that. That's all he can get high off at this point. His tolerance is too high. Oh, he's got those GPS crystals? Oh, cool. He's getting high off Wi-Fi.

It's hitting me hard. How long before they actually just spray you with some shit they can track you with? They probably already have the capabilities. They can track you already. Yeah, I mean, it's not hard to find you just through your Twitter. Most people are on the grid.

Yeah, Twitter, your fucking credit cards. Going to Burbank, I'm at the airport. They let you go about your business. They don't care what you do most of the time. Most of the time until you oppose them. Until you're in some sort of a position where you might be trying to take over. Can you imagine the kind of tapping they have on Ron Paul's information? Yeah, he can't order pizza without them breaking down the wording.

Shit. How long is Archbark going to be here for? He said until Monday. Okay. Isn't that amazing that they're so ignoring this Ron Paul cat and then pushing this Rick Santorum dude on everybody? Well, at least he's not a Mormon. There's been evidence of voter fraud in Maine, by the way.

Ron Paul is supposed to be one in Maine, and before even all the precincts were counted, they were giving it to Santorum. They're saying there's voter fraud in Maine, by the way. Ron Paul is supposed to be one in Maine, and they were before even all the precincts were counted, they were giving it to Santorum. They're saying it's voter fraud in Maine. Really? I mean, it's just a caucus. I would have liked to see Ron Paul win one state. Yeah, it would have been cute. In the prelims. Well, you know what, man? I think this whole system's rigged. Of course it is. I really

absolutely, absolutely, truly believe it, and I think these guys are just auditioning to be the CEO of a company where they're not even going to get a chance to say what the fuck gets to go on. And they're not going to get it anyway. Obama's going to win again. Obama's way better than Mitt Romney. He's way more charismatic.

Look, they can do some Hollywood math on the numbers and have you convinced that we're in an economic swing. One guy's just super rich. Nobody likes super rich. Yeah, he came in the wrong time and the world the world was fucked up when he got here and the country was fucked up but in the time that he's been here he'll spin some fucking the legislation that we've passed and help this and the economic stimulus and sort of whatever that national defense authorization act kills everything that he did

everything that's that thing that allows people to be detained indefinitely oh yeah with no warrants the fact that he passed that like it's just such an easy way to abuse that it's so gross it's gross it's completely this is the first time i'm on my radio station that comes on like the news about the about the uh about the elections or the pre-elections whatever they're having it just seems like when nuke ingrich and and perry and and santorum and all the other mit romney it seems like they keep like just lying yeah and then like going back on it yeah i did say this but but that's not what i believe now it just seems like a little kids just saying whatever they can yeah so they can get their prize oh yeah especially but it's like and ron paul's the only one who just says well this

is what i believe a lot of this shit's not popular give me another one of those if you're good yeah but it's like this is what i've always said the same thing for always oh thanks yeah when they're afraid of going on the record for what they really believe if it's not popular it's not real they don't believe shit they believe they want to be president yeah that's what it is it's like they're just trying to get elected yeah it's like when you audition for a show that you hope you don't get yeah or like this sucks but like i'll put i'll make believe i like the sense of humor rick perry is so lucky he's dumb because now he gets to live the rest of his life without secret service agents wiping his ass everywhere he goes because now he gets to live the rest of his life without Secret Service agents wiping his ass everywhere he goes. Because if he won,

and he could have fucking won, don't get me wrong, if that guy auditioned for the role of president just four years ago, and he was just coached a little bit better and someone with a little hindsight, you get some smart dudes behind him. That's all it is, right?

Attracting the best PR people. He's no dumber than George Bush he's no dumber than gw it's just like an actress yeah you just have to build your resume yeah build your resume do it correctly become popular at the right time exactly he was popular at one point in time do you remember it was like that guy was like he looked handsome it looked like fucking but i remember talking about obama at some like democratic convention they were like oh he gave a really good speech people gonna look at him now it's like a presidential guy yeah it's like having a really good game in the nba all-star game yeah it's like having a good set on on yeah and all of a sudden it's like oh watch out yeah it's an act some chick in some movie yeah i remember my uh my friend who i will not name his name because he's a silly silly fucking liberal

not there's anything wrong with being a liberal, but he's silly. But he's a silly liberal. He's one of those guys. And when I say liberal, I am very liberal in most of the things. Most things like gay marriage and civil rights and most of those things. You shouldn't be attached to everything, though. Exactly. I'm not on a team.

I'm not on team this or team that. And when you are, I think you're silly if you're a liberal by choice, like in a category, predetermined pattern of behavior you follow, or you're conservative. Either one of them is just silly to me. But this guy was, like, telling me, like, what a great President Obama would make. And I go, well, why do you say that? What policies that he supports do you believe? Unlike him.

He didn't have a fucking, nothing to say. He just started giving me, like, double talk. I go, do you even know anything, stuff this guy does, or do you love him because he's a good looking black guy and you love like supporting a black guy because you're you got a little bit of white guilt yeah and he didn't want to admit it you see that howard stern thing they did with the interview people and just messed up the facts like obama it's obama mccain is running together against so and so who are you gonna vote for it's like obama mccain it's all about mccain yeah do you think it'd be a good vice president for obama mccain it's all about mccain yeah do you think it'd be a good bipartisan for obama's like yeah i like his policies oh that's hilarious yeah was it was it i'm trying to remember who that fuck that was oh we did it maybe it's for tough crowd fuck i wish i knew what it was it

was who's that guy we met in in uh new york that time the boston comic boston comic you didn't like me i was texting nick dipolo yeah he didn't like you because of what I was texting or something no no that's not what it was you joked around about jocks you said something about jocks

Boston is all jocks that's what it was yeah yeah that's what you said it was a bunch of dumb jocks fuck with this guy yeah Nick DiPaolo

was quick to tell you to fuck yourself he immediately I must have worn a sweater or something and he's like oh in case we all can't be Janine Garofalo

I was like what do you think what did I offend you yeah he thought you tell you to fuck yourself. Immediately, I must have worn a sweater or something and he's like, oh, in case we all can't be Janine Garofalo. I was like, what do you think? What? Did I offend you? Yeah, he thought you were, well, you kind of dress a little bit like a hipster. Yeah, I guess I do.

If people didn't know you, they would totally think you're a hipster. Until they hear you talk. They would think I'm an alternative comic. Your filthy, dirty mouth on stage. Yeah, they would think

you were an alternative. Thank God you're not. It's so hard to be friends with an alternative comic and pretend that all that shit is funny. It's starting to go away, the alternative. Thank God you're not. It's so hard to be friends with an alternative comic. I can pretend that all that shit is funny. It's starting to go away, the lines. Of course it is. There's some real good people that just go up in that scene and then vice versa. They're just comics.

Yeah. Of course it is. The people that wanted to be alternative. Louie used to always do that. Yeah, but he was just a comic. You'd go up in the all rooms and you'd go up at the store. Yeah. And you're like, oh, you come here too?

He's like, what do you mean? It's stage time. Yeah, he's just a comic. Yeah, he's go up to the store yeah and you're like oh you come here too he's like what do you mean it's stage time yeah he's just a comic yeah he's smart enough to to realize that but a lot of these dummies they it was like you know what it was it's like we found a cool club this is like the cool kids club you know this is the janine garofalo club chechen rebel doesn't that sound like a cereal chechnyan yeah yeah what why'd you say that because that's oh that's one of their jokes oh really that's a janine garofalo line. Oh, that's one of their jokes? Oh, really? That's a Gene Garofalo line.

Because he was looking. I think he was imagining her. I'm just doing what they do on stage, like looking off into the distance, saying something mildly ironic. Yeah. Yeah. You know? It's not even funny. Shut it!

You're not funny! No! Work harder at this. You're not trying hard enough, and your point of view sucks, because it's not real. You're not trying hard enough and your point of view sucks because it's not real you're not really you're just trying to fit into a mold that you think these little hipster twat heads are gonna appreciate yeah clap clap i saw paul tomkins talking about the state of alternative comedy yeah at a podcast in san francisco like jamie kilsey the state is aids he goes it's really sucky right now because all these people trying to be alternative comics and like sucky because they're trying to be this instead of just being it's aids yeah it's

aids they all have aids it's not funny and and they're super snotty about it it's like the thing about the grossest thing yeah the snottiness it's not even what you over what it's you're not even putting out good art like shut your snotty mouth. It's not good stuff. It's not funny. The bottom line is it was created. Some of it is. But that's good comedy, period. It'd be good anywhere. The bottom line is the need for alternative comedy was created because the ones who were trying to do it weren't successful in other rooms.

They weren't successful. Whether it's because they were performing for dumb crowds or whether they were performing for people that didn't appreciate what they were doing so they had to find people who did yeah that's all well and good but they became in a lot of ways not all of them totally generalizing and pigeonholing but they had this like irony this this ironic disposition yeah but they also became like sort of comedy bullies yeah to you know like if you hung around them like burke kreischer is a terrible story about them being fucking shitty to him. Really?

Over at the UC, whatever it is. UCB. Yeah. About how gross his experience was there. When people are bullied, they want to bully back. Children that are molested go on to become molesters. It's so weird. But then Ian Edwards, I met him in Miami.

What a terrible connection I did. Yeah. Nobody even called me on it. You're like, whatever, just keep talking, stupid. Just keep rambling. I saw Ian go with that alternative. I'm like whatever just keep talking stupid just keep rambling I saw Ian go with that alternative I'm like what material

do for this he goes crowds are crowds man yeah I've done the UCB twice and then I had great crowds yeah I did the UCB I loved it I had a great time now

but like it's not the audience it's not the audiences it's the artists and it's not all of them it's just a few it's just like cops a few cunts

spoil the whole pocket that's what it is that's what it is that's what it is exactly what it is that's why everyone's against it because those few cunts yeah same with cops same with girls you know you know same with guys you know same with everything the the few people i hate it when a girl says i don't take comments anymore because all the comments have been bad i'm like come on wait break it down because i don't i'm not all them yeah but you're you're terrible. Yeah. But if it's all about whatever it is, I'm like, yeah, yeah, we do that. Ari's like, I'm a great guy. Come on.

Give me a chance. Give me a chance. Give me a chance. But if they say they're needy, then I'm like, well, I'm not needy. But if they say they can't commit, I'm like, oh, yeah, all right, that's fine. Yeah, we shouldn't do it. Yeah, well, isn't that what all women want, Ari Shaffir? Yeah, some of them.

They all want love. They all want to know that you're going to be there for them. They all want you to listen to their their highlight reel highlight reel correct their act the worst is dating a comic dating a comic and you have to help them with their act do you think this is funny oh there's nothing more of a turnoff than a girl going over her bits with you anyone going over their bits with you it's horrible yeah but a girl that you want to fuck and she okay okay stop it stop it stop it i want I want you to listen to my joke. Tell me if this is funny.

I mean, while your dick is like a headache in your pants. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Let's just do it. And they just want... Tell me if you think this is good. I've dated a few comics. I start telling them now, it's like, I am not going to help you with your act.

I'm not going to try to correct you. If I see something thematically you're doing that I can not going to try to correct you. If I see something, like, thematically you're doing that I can see a fix for, like, you should check out this room. You might do well there.

Yeah. Like, I would do that, but that's it. Like, I just give you suggestions of, like, directions to go.

Yeah. I go to peers every now and then. There's something wrong with this bit, man. Doesn't the bit seem too verbose or something like that? Yeah. But I'm kind of just sounding off. I kind of know anyway. If you're being objective about your shit which you always somebody tells you like yeah they

saw that like i like that joke i'm like do you think yeah don't you think it in there it needs a little something yeah if you know they saw it you kind of know though you know when something needs something if you're being really honest about it right yeah but sometimes they help you they're like well have you ever thought about going from there into your like your family right there you're like oh i didn't yeah you're right yeah comics yeah like they're not writing you a joke they're just like an angle you didn't yeah yeah or good tag lines or yeah i had this uh king kong bit that i was doing and uh louis ck pulled me aside he goes you know it was really funny he goes uh you should say that king kong is this really cunty wife too and like do

this whole thing about king kong's candhi wife you know yeah probably at home why this whole thing about king kong being like the most racist movie ever yeah you know that he was around these naked black women his entire life he never gave a fuck he saw one white chick in a dress and lost his fucking mind and had to have her you know i mean really exactly what that movie was they were dancing these black girls they had feathers on and shit. They were naked. Tits hanging out. Drums playing. Fire dancing and shit. No one cared.

And he's like, yeah, King Kong should have a really cunty wife. That was why he was still married though. That's like the angle you always go to.

Cunty wife. Cunty wife. Holds him back. Keeps him from being funny. I think you would never date a comic again. Casually date them, yeah. What about Little Astro? I do that sometimes.

Ugh. I think Duncan's dating Astro. Do you really? That was stinking. Oh my God. I heard you're dating Natasha again. Ugh. No.

Woo! That's getting hot in here. Damn! That'd be so weird. Could you even fucking imagine? You guys just swapped back and forth? And you're like, look, I know you left me before, but I was the man that I am now. I'm a different man now. I'm a different man now.

It was cool. It was totally cool. It was totally cool back then when you went with Duncan. It was totally cool. It was totally cool. If you just go right back to me, because that's where you belong. And then as soon as you're you you pull out you nut it right in her eyes and say fuck you i've been waiting for five years to do this

fuck you and you give her double fingers while you're naked fuck you how many guys have done that got back with a girl pretended to be in love with her just so they could shoot a load on her and then just just say fuck you ever see that old movie called the uh the heiress the heiress yeah it's about this girl who got jilted and she just waits to get revenge for like decades that's like i spit on your grave like yeah yeah i have girls that i wait on like just to fuck like megan fox and lindsey lowe and i think in like 12 years they would probably be doable once they hit the wall yeah you know who i think you can get you beth from Grace Under Fire. Yeah.

She needs a place to stay, right? She needs a place to stay. You can take her. Stay out of my face, Brett Butler. She's okay in her day. We talked about her back in the last show, about how crazy it was. She was one of the Chuck Lorre. She was a Chuck Lorre show.

Grace Under Fire. That guy has just been around forever, just churning out the hits. And she was all cracked out. She said there was always the rumor on the set that she had done some crazy thing, threw a drink in his face, said some mean things to him. Really? And she got gone from that? Yeah, that killed her. Powerful as fuck.

You think he cares that you're rated 12th? Yeah. You're not supposed to do that anyway. That'd make a lot of money. You're not supposed to do that anyway. That's what killed Titus' show, too. You ever turn something down for money? Like somebody offers a sponsor this, and you're like,

that doesn't go with what I do at all. Oh, yeah, definitely. Yeah, it's like people can turn down money. Chuck Lorre says, I have plenty of money. I'll just not do your show anymore. Yeah, I'll kill your show before it goes to syndication. If you're going to be a complete asshole to me, then yeah, I'm not going to work for you.

I can see that. They killed Titus' show before the syndication. Yeah, he had some crazy blowout. Remember that TV show I talked about a few times that no one could remember? What show? It's called Mr. Smith. It was about a monkey that was president. Black and white.

No, that's your thing that Mr. Smith goes to Washington or Hollywood or something. This is a TV show and somebody uploaded a five second commercial on YouTube the other day and so I finally found uploaded a five-second commercial on YouTube the other day. And so I finally... Oh, great. That's not me.

So I finally found... I have a screenshot of the monkey, so I don't know if I'm going crazy. Whoa, that's an orangutan. It's an orangutan. But this is what it looked like. He was the president, and he was some kind of animated or like Muppet,

realistic Muppet-type, elf-type thing. Oh, so it wasn't a real... I think they used both. That sounds like when NBC went to 7.30 primetime. Yeah. You know, they tried that. Small Wonder, I think, was there.

It was NBC also. My Two Dads. It was NBC. Yeah, it seemed like that much. And they were all way worse than a regular sitcom. It's like, so you think sitcoms are shitty,

think what wouldn't have made it. Right. Here, I want to read this about the cannabis thing. Okay. Okay, so you think sitcoms are shitty, think what wouldn't have made it. Right. Here, I want to read this about the cannabis thing. Okay. Okay, there's a,

by Robert Raish, who wrote it. There's a widely held misconception that businesses in California medical cannabis industry are prohibited from making a profit. In reality,

no California law prohibits cannabis-related businessmen from making a profit. Opponents of medical, I'm going to translate it as I read it. However,

have done a masterful job spreading disinformation since SB 420 was signed into law in 2003. The disinformation has become so prevalent that it is affecting safe access to medical cannabis patients, blah, blah, blah. Okay, and it has resulted in State Senator John, whatever,

releasing a letter debunking the widely held misconception that profit is not permitted for medical cannabis providers under California law. I'm looking at Brian's moth. The giant moth? The one that he smoked. He smoked his shit. Why would you smoke something that came out of that thing's ass?

The liquid looks so trippy that I'm like I wonder if this would do anything. I mean, it didn't look like poop. It's probably fucking poison. No, it was probably poop or something. It's probably massive. And I lit it anyway. It's probably fucking poison No it was probably poop Or something It's probably massive And I lit it anyway Poison

It's probably You know what it is It probably had a miscarriage Right there on your floor Yeah I bet it was pregnant I bet that was pregnant Could be That's why it shook like that

It was on my door for two days Yeah Jesus Christ Brian You're gonna die It's not good Whatever it is It's not good You have like one of those porch entries, right?

Where it goes over where you can stay in the rain. You won't get wet. Yeah. Do moths love that? Nice. Whose balls are those? Yeah. It's Valentine's Day balls.

Whose balls are those? Just download it. Are those your balls? Huh? Are those your balls? No. Are they? No.

They're pretty if they are. They're a heart. Can you imagine if you got an operation to have your balls always in the shape of a heart like there was a new thing and women wanted you to do it to show them that you really cared

and you would just get your balls tucked into a heart shape like they would there was like a little plastic V implant that they would put in at the bottom of the ball sack so it would just look like a heart yeah so it would always look like a heart

I always wonder dudes would do it I always wonder why like belly buttons never got, like getting extended or changed in any way. The balls are so vulnerable as it is. Yeah, the belly button, nobody really touches it. Sometimes they get belly button rings, people, girls. You could get an implant on your balls

with like a wire frame that was like in the shape of a heart. Like those old ladies' dresses from the cold days where they had to poof them out. Yeah, they just spread it out like a bat wing. Like the bat wing over the balls and spread it out. From interbellum days. Your fucking balls are already super vulnerable.

If somebody kicks you in the balls and you have an implant in there, it's going to... It doesn't even hurt anymore. But there's so much extra skin you can do stuff with there. Yeah. There's so much.

Totally. Well, that's what we were talking about the guy who got fucked to death by the horse. He had like a whole binder. Yeah. Like a fucking notebook binder of rings coming off his horse. Yeah, why not? Of course, eventually he'll do that.

People will put it in the shape of a heart. That would be sweet. It'll be a cupcake maker. It'd be way easier to get girls to suck on him. That's where you'd keep your hard drive. No, that's not true. If there's an excuse to take your dick out. If there's a girl who would suck on your balls, will suck on your balls.

Period. You'd definitely increase the odds of it happening. If a girl won't suck on your balls, you really shouldn't be with her. I don't like it. I think it tickles. You got problems. You don't,

it doesn't tickle you at all? If a girl will suck on your balls. My girlfriend loves it, but it tickles me. That used to be Pauly's move. He would take it out. She'll do anything. When girls came to the green room.

He would just take his balls out? He would just take his dick out. Just his whole dick. Yeah. And he would say like, either they're going to do this or they're not and we're going to find out right now.

Yeah, but I mean girl, you're dating. Girl, you're dating will suck your balls. Some girls won't suck the balls. They'll suck your dick. Really?

But there's a line they won't cross. There's girls who you can't come in their mouth. That's a huge, huge turnoff. Once while I was

married, Allie was walking by and we were pretending. I just had my balls out all the time at the store just all the time, just have my dick and balls out. And we're trying to convince this one girl to, like, no, it's totally normal. They smell fine.

You should suck it. Oh, I remember this. And then Alan walked by and pretended like, oh, really? Yeah, I have this on video. She pretended like she didn't know me. And she was like, hey, what's going on? She was like, do you know this guy? He's like, no, what's happening?

I love the comedy store. It's so fun here. They were like, we're trying to explain. Like, it cool just suck this guy's dick she's like oh yeah what do you mean yeah i'll do it she's like we're we're together so she says blowing you so she was like yeah yeah it's fine whatever i'm going back inside and then she would just walk out i was gonna try to convince this girl that it's totally normal do you have this on tape somewhere oh that's hilarious it was so weird and nobody got embarrassed for it's like yeah she does it she's i'm with her yeah what did the uh girl say she was so confused. And nobody got embarrassed for it. It was like, yeah, she does it. I'm with her. Of course she does it. What did the girl say?

She was so confused by it. She's like, what is happening? That was really funny. Wow. What kind of world is this? That was awesome. Wow. She was.

Wow, that's pretty crazy. Now she's into Jesus. Is she really? Ugh. Whoa. Oh, no. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Your ex is into Jesus?

Yeah. You need to have her on a skeptic tank. Hold on, hold on, hold on. When was the last time you talked to her? We text sometimes. Text. What about in person? It's been about a year and a skeptic tank. Hold on, hold on, hold on. When was the last time you talked to her? We text sometimes. Text. What about in person? It's been about a year and a half.

Wow. And in that time, she went to Jesus. She went to Jesus, yeah. How long ago did you break up? Two years? Three? No. Four, five?

Four or five? No, it was post the store. We just figured that out, right? That it's been five years since I quit going to the store. Sick. What, 2007? 2007, February. right that it's been five years since i went i quit going to the store uh sick well 2007 2007 yeah so it was uh yeah because when all that stuff happened i had someone else that i think we'd already broken up by then wow really so it's like five years ago okay so a year

and a half ago she got into jesus something like that i'm not good with time marijuana's definitely ruined that is that a guy what do you think it's a guy that's the Jesus? No, no, no. It's just like, you know, she didn't want to do whatever she was doing anymore. People find the Jesus. But then she started saying that she couldn't do a sermon with me. And I'm like, stop it. You know it's all I can do not to mock you.

But meanwhile, she's... Please don't try to get me to go. ...really intelligent. That's what's weird. She was a very intelligent person. Super smart people like the Jesus all the time. I don't quite get it. You've got to get her on the skeptic thing.

Well, it's... Yeah. There's... Yeah, I will. I don't quite get it. You've got to get around the skepticism. Yeah, I will. I'll get around that. There's a part of their, they compartmentalize their logic. That's what it is. And the idea behind it is great. The idea behind it, I mean, if it was real,

God damn it, wouldn't it be beautiful? Wouldn't it be beautiful if they're really, and it is real, man. I'll tell you what, you need to find Jesus. If you found Jesus,

you would know. They're not lying to you when they say that. It's because if you really do believe that this has been ever my fault. You feel more fulfilled, I guess. Then it's like, I'm happy for you if you're happy. But like, God, in what? She probably wasn't happy. You know, a lot of girls who do like, they get wild and they like blow guys at the comedy

store in front of people. Yeah. Like that kind of behavior, that kind of wild behavior. That's fun if you're around people who think it's fun. But if you're not and you get judged by enough people who don't think that shit is funny, and if you're the type of person who does wild shit and tries to be funny and tries to have a good time

and is a little impulsive, people will fucking judge you to the point where you start to think that your morals are really questionable and you're a fucked up person. You need to get your shit together. And if you hear that enough and you don't have a support system behind you, you'll crack. Maybe that's what it is. Yeah, she doesn't have you anymore. I mean, think about it.

She's living with this guy. I mean, you're my friend. You're here and everything like that. But you're a brilliant guy, okay? You're very, very intelligent, very educated, very well read. And you're around her All the time So you're having

Intelligent conversations With her And if people don't have That in their life If all of a sudden They get cut off from that And everyone's just telling you Don't do this

Don't do that And you're around morons And you're around A giant swarm Of moron influence And moron information I was talking to those people In Minneapolis

And they were like What would you rather have A virgin Who's not good at sex or someone who's very good at sex but has had sex with a lot of people i'm like definitely the one who's had sex a lot of people what are you talking about and then you know she's had sex with people you're like yeah fine that's fine who cares what are you talking about of course who cares weak ass why do you care it's so silly we get long she's all diseased up oh long as she's not all diseased up. Oh, yeah. As long as she's not all got the HIV. She's the virgin. I'll teach her how to do it. You like the virgin? No way. Teach them how to do stuff?

She'd be like, ew, I don't want you sweating on me. Ew, I feel bad. Ew, I can't believe I gave it to you. Ew. Oh, they're gonna cry. She can talk. Alright, he didn't say that

he's like a virgin alien i wasn't part of their deal yeah you definitely want to go with the slut but you don't want to go with the crying yeah you know the problem with the girls had sex with a lot of people is a lot of times they feel bad about it or they've done it because there's some underlying issue i think anyone i've that's been around a little a little bit just seems like they're cool with sex. We'll have sex when we feel like having sex. Some of them, yes. I'm just saying, the occasional bomb, the occasional 1 out of 10 that starts

crying, ruins all the rest of the fun girls. Look at Eliza, she hates sex. She talks about how she hates having sex. That's too bad because everybody wants to fuck her. Why does she hate it? A minute and a half I'm done.

I just want it to be over with. She seems super uncomfortable about a lot of shit though. She's a strange girl. She's super aggressive, real competitive,

loves her dog, holds on to the dog. She's really quick. Real quick and aggressive. I saw her at the Sarah Tiana's birthday last night and she didn't have her dog

so I'm like looking around in her purse. What was she wearing last night? Regular clothes? Yeah. dog so I'm like looking around in her purse I'm like where's your dog regular clothes yeah she changes and gets dressed down before she goes on stage

that's so cool that's how she is as a comic she doesn't want to get judged by anybody looking at her or anything like that she's hot she's got a great body she puts on a loose t-shirt

and jeans and flabby and then she goes back to the car gets into like nice clothes attractive clothes and then goes out with her girlfriend what's up I love sending her pictures

of just random black dicks. And how does she react to that? She loves it. Yeah, you say she loves it. She might be saving them up in a portfolio for when you start getting rich. She's going to fucking sue you. How about that? Yeah. Could be, man.

I worry about that. It's not sexual harassment if you just do it to a person right yeah yeah I don't know man this stupid loopy ass fucking day

in comics to comics I think yeah you're safe doing that you would think but I don't think it works that way the employee handbook for the La Jolla Comedy Store

it said like you cannot say anything of a racial manner to another employee you cannot say anything of a sexual manner to another employee it's like all these rules

but it goes but then it goes, with that being said, you will hear from on stage some of the worst imaginable language from any human. That doesn't matter. You still can't act like that to other employees. You'll hear horribly things saying, super racist, super sexist, like every night.

Isn't that funny? If you work there and you're like a waiter and you try to be as funny as the comedians to your staff. Not while you have the t-shirt onshirt on yeah you'll go to jail yeah they'll take everything the lawsuit they'll take everything man fuck you cnn here's an article george cooney still open to marriage fuck you still open to marriage what happened today in west hollywood what what uh this guy started this is what i heard on the way here so i don't know what the full story is but the guy started this guy started walking around these what I heard on the way here, so I don't know what the full story is, but this guy started walking around these houses and kicking people's doors in.

What? And yelling. And then he kicked somebody's door down and then caught the house on fire and shot three people. What? Yeah, like a 32, 38-year-old woman and a 34-year-old guy.

Whoa, today? Explain that again. What happened? He kicked somebody's door down. He started kicking people's door down. He started kicking people's door down somewhere near Melrose and then he just

started fucking shooting people and then caught some house on fire. Wow. Yeah. But they were still figuring it out

while I was driving here. Wow. We don't know what's going on. Wow. That guy in Utah lit his kids on fire.

No, he killed them with a hatchet and then blew the house up. And then lit it on a hatchet and blew the house up and then lit it on fire oh they blew the house up why do i feel better about that he it's horrific i thought he just lit them all on fire to have to burn it no it's terrible what he did was the uh social worker came that was supposed to babysit him while he's with the kids supposed to be there he's not supposed to have and they ran into the house he grabs them pulls him and pushes the guy

out kills the kids with a hammer the guy opens He grabs them, pulls them, and pushes the guy out, kills the kids with a hammer. The guy opens the door. He smells gas. And then the guy kills the kids with a hatchet, rather, and blows up the house and kills all of them. Because if he can't have them, no one can. I don't know what the reasoning was.

I think he lost custody. He killed the wife. He had killed the wife? Yeah, he killed the wife. And he was under suspicion of it. And while he was under suspicion, they found pornography, questionable pornography, on his computer questionable i heard it was what it was was that just proves he didn't love his wife because he had porn it was child porn but it was

animated it was animated child porn it was really porn that's so weird i didn't think they had that this is by the way third this is for is third-hand information. Do you know that Jerry Sandusky was trying to gain the right to go onto his back porch? Oh, he was going on his back porch. Yeah, and while he was there, he was looking at... An elementary school. An elementary school. And you're like, what? That's where he lives?

Yeah. So he can look at an elementary school? That wasn't even part of the beginning part of the story? Right. He's a monster. That guy's a fucking monster. He wants a chance to guy's a fucking monster he wants he wants a chance to see his grandkids so he can have one more before he goes away

it's so crazy that that guy got as far as one more taste yeah when you hear him talk about it it's scary as fuck just the way he talked about it are you attracted to children am i attracted to children that's how he answered it. He didn't say, no! No, no, stop. No, no, of course not. What? I think he might be struggling with it really hard. Oh, God.

Well, they say that almost everybody that is in that sort of a situation got molested when they were young. Yeah, that's how those people reproduce. Isn't that nuts? That's their method of reproduction. What a fucking crazy thing. Yeah. Isn't it nuts that That's their method of reproduction. What a fucking crazy thing. Yeah. Isn't it nuts that you can imprint that into a child's mind? Yeah.

I mean, I don't think it's 100%. That's how you ensure the species moves on. There's a lot of people that get molested that don't wind up doing that. It's like people who are around when their father beats their mother. Some people, they grow up to beat their wife as well. It becomes, or if your parents beat you, you beat your kids. Yeah. And some of them, it's the opposite way. They're like, there's parents beat you, you beat your kids. Yeah. And some of them,

it's the opposite way. They're like, there's no way I'd ever hit my kids. I think it just depends if you like it. When I got molested by that babysitter, she was hot and I loved it. That's totally different. You were like,

how old were you? Like 10 or 11. And she was a chick and she was pretty? No. That was fun for me. There's such a difference between a guy doing that to a little kid and a girl doing that to a little kid.

Right. I don't want some chick blowing my kids. I wouldn't want to come home and some fucking hot chick is blowing a 10-year-old boy. I wouldn't want to see that. That would be fucked up. And you would have to call the cops and everything. But, man, the only thing that would be traumatic is the poor guy would probably be in love with her. She's my favorite babysitter.

Why can't you hire her anymore? She was so much more fun than the other ones oh i'm friends with her on facebook because i hunted her down i want to marry her now she's way older than you she's so hot really yeah just put up a link put up a link dog no no just show me a picture on your phone just don't show it to the camera listen just tweet it no one's gonna care people absolutely do not tweet it look people on twitter are really cool you can tweet it just a picture. No one's going to care. No, absolutely do not tweet it. Look, people on Twitter are really cool. You can tweet it just a picture, but don't tweet her name. No, I can't even do that. Tweet the shit out of that hooker. This show's too big nowadays.

Tweet the shit out of that bitch. What's her name? I'm not saying what her name is. I almost fucking said it, too. That was a great... It sounded reasonable, too, and it came out of your mouth. I was like, yeah. I was like, oh, wait.

No, that's all of it. Really good. Just say her first and last name. Really good at convincing people. Okay, okay. What's her name? It's the host of Fear Factor. You're like, oh, wait. No, that's all of it. Really good. Just say your first and last name. Really good at convincing people. Okay, okay. What's your name? It's the host of Fear Factor. You're like, it's way worse.

Which, by the way, is canceled forever. No, it got canceled again? It's over. For real? It's over. It's over, folks. Sorry. That sucks.

I'm sorry, man. It's okay. It's good. So it's 100% now? It's too whore-like. I enjoyed the money. Thank you very much. I enjoyed the time.

I enjoyed hanging out with all the Fear Factor people. There's a fucking awesome group of people but I'd rather do my own thing even though it was great money I'm not hurting for money I'm alright that's the only thing

I feel bad for you for it's like ah yeah it was fun money it was good but the reality is I really I enjoy working for the UFC and doing comedy

a hundred times more it was okay to do it was fun it was fun to be back with all the people I loved all the people and worked with them again but the difference

between the enjoyment that you get of doing something that you really love doing and the enjoyment it was still a badass job as far as jobs go it was the fucking shit

I would never complain about it I have in the past and it sounds really douchey that's the problem no one can really understand that no one can really understand that you get complacent with it like you start expecting

that kind of money once you get it. It was fun because the people that I worked with were fun. And the cast, the contestants this year were awesome. There was a lot of great contestants. A lot of really fucking funny people. Really crazy people. But it is what it is. And it's over.

The end. Apparently it was hard for them to get advertisers for it. Oh, really? Yeah. Damn, you should have aired that donkey one. Yeah. I got it on my phone. Hi, boy.

What is that? That's the girl. Oh, that's her? That's your former babysitter? Yeah. Oh, shit. Let me see her. I won't show anybody.

She also does karate. Some dude who's wearing sunglasses indoors. She also does karate. She does karate? Karate? Yeah. Oh, that's her now? Yeah.

That's not bad. That's what I'm saying. That's not bad. Where does she I'm saying. That's not bad. Where does she live? Lugan, Thin. What state? I don't even want to say. Midwestern?

Yeah. Midwestern, yeah. If you catch that in the Midwest, that's totally fine. That's great. She's like a black coat in karate or something like that. Nice. She'll kick your ass and suck your dick. Yeah.

She has a nice family now. Yeah? She's got kids? Yeah. You haven't heard my bit No Do you have a bit about it Yeah I'll see you Friday night

At the Ice House In Pasadena What time's the show The show's at 10 o'clock You can go to Icehousecomedy.com Are you going Are you going to be there

Yes Shafir's in the house I think Moshe's going to be there Moshe Kasher Yeah And Doug Pound DJ Doug Pound From Tim and Eric

I'm going to try to get Arj Barker to come down as well because he just said that he's there Friday night until Monday afternoon. Maybe I'll get him to come early and we'll do a podcast with him before the Ice House. Awesome. What's up? Oh, yeah. Smart. Yeah. How long is he from Australia until Monday?

He said until Monday. And Ice House Chronicles, what we do is the Ice House shows are some of my favorite shows ever the stand-up shows and the podcast shows we do we have a studio in the ice house in pasadena it's a separate room and what we do is we start the show and we start a podcast just a little bit before the show and then people just run back do a set and then come back and and and hang out it's a fucking best hang out like it's high oh it's. The last one, I got so fucking high from that weed. I was shaking and then Brody was supposed to be in front of me.

Brody's like, I can't go up. I'm like, neither can I. I've never been to Stone before. I had to go up. I was forced to go up on stage. I had the best set I've ever had in my life. You can go up totally high if you know your material. It worked. Are you sure?

Or was it like that time in Facts of Life where you got the rich girl? She wrote How to Strike the Support and she kept procrastinating and then she got high and wrote it

and she was like, that's so long. It was definitely the best set. But the next morning it was a terrible report. You take the facts of life. It wasn't Jill.

Who was the rich girl? Not Tootie. Blair? Blair, yeah, yeah, it was Blair. Blair was kind of hot but a little chubby. And it was like three words per page.

She was a little chubby but hot. She had to fight it. I'm sure they had network heads going, Blair, yeah, yeah, it was Blair. Blair was kind of hot, but a little chubby. And it was like three words per page. She was a little chubby, but hot. She had to fight it. I'm sure they had network heads going, like, listen, you need you to eat less right now. But she was a good kisser. Probably. She kissed you like you were ice cream. Oh, God. I've got to watch that show again with them in mind as just young, young women in a boarding house.

And how much were they fucking on the side? Probably a bunch. Probably as much as they wanted to. It's probably hard for a woman who's in a position like that where they become like super, super successful. It's probably hard for them to find mates. If a woman is making a ton of money, like a Jennifer Aniston type woman, she's dating some like regular dude now, right? Isn't she dating some like regular guy?

It's hard to get someone to look at you as a regular person. That takes a long time. Well, not only that, man. I think for women, it's like a normal thing for the man to be more successful than the woman. Yeah. And when the woman is like way more successful than the man, I think it gets sketchy. Yeah. You know?

I was in some waiting room at some like dentist or something. And I saw a magazine with the one hot chick from, or not the one hot chick, but from the Desperate Housewives. The one who used to be on Superman. Lois and Superman oh the fake Eva not even Longoria the one who's just

slightly less hot than even Longoria oh Tara Hatchick Tara Hatchick Tara Hatchick Terry Hatcher Terry Hatcher

yeah and she said Tara Hatcher who's way hotter we ended up getting it Tara Hatcher would be the shit if they just put her in one of those shows

yeah but she said from now on she's like she's never gonna let like herself pay for a date she still expects like everyone to pay really yeah because that's how it works what yeah that's ridiculous she's worth like a hundred yeah like what do you mean you have so much more money to make but just pay for it yeah no ari you have to pay for it you have to buy her dinner and then beg her for sex. Yeah. And then, you know what? She's probably not into you anyway, so. Probably not. It's going to suck.

Yeah. Yeah, you'd have to be like some Brad Pitt type dude. She's too old now. To stimulate a woman like that. Oh, yeah. You'd have to be like someone even more famous than her or even more powerful than her. I mean, I would think. You would say no.

I mean, people would say, you're fucking ridiculous. Your point of view is stupid. It's ass, man. There is a certain chimpanzee logic to it. Yeah, they want someone to do that to them. They want an alpha. Sometimes, some people. Even the ones that don't, man.

How long do these last? Like our friend, for instance, who will remain nameless, who recently left his girl, who will also remain nameless, and he was in the beta position during the entire relationship. I knew.

I'm like, this shit ain't going to work. How the fuck is this going to work? Women like that always complain that the dude doesn't have any money. But the other ones don't work either. Those ones work better. All of his other relationships, when he was the alpha, he doesn't work either. When was he ever the alpha?

I don't know. Yeah, what are you talking about? I don't know. How dare you? I've never seen that turned around. How dare you make shit up? I don't know. That's a good point.

Anyway, go to joerogan.net. Check out the information for all the upcoming shows. The January or March 2nd through 4th. Are you in town? March, yeah. Yeah, are you? First weekend? Uh-huh.

Powerful Ari Shaffir will be with me at Brea, California. Oh, great. Yeah, I'll totally do it. Powerful Brea, Ari Shaffir. There you go, folks. You saw that? It was booked on the spot. That's how we do.

April 13th through 15th, I'm at the Hollywood Florida Improv. Oh, shit. That's the hard rock down there. Crazy one. 420 Atlanta, Georgia. That's the Tabernacle. Tickets go on sale tomorrow. And then May 4th, New York City.

What is it? Manhattan Theater fucking Manhattan Theater Manhattan Theater You sure that's it Something like that Yeah And I'm in Alberta Calgary

Remember that place We did in Calgary We had to have Extra seats on stage Yeah It was great That was awesome We need to play Japan

While we're there There's a comedy store In there in Japan I want to just go hang out If you want to go To the comedy store We'll go Isn't there one

Like a comedy store A comedy something Something like that Brazil is fun Just to hang out yeah we had a good time ari and i uh we had some real brazilian chujas caria how good was that fucking so good we went back we went back two days in a row like that it was so good so many different flavors too dude rio is amazing that's why i got this coconut water i finally i was just walking on the beach and just like they sell those coconuts for two reals or whatever and they just chop it open and give you a straw you know they sell that here in los angeles there's fruit stands anytime you see a mexican in the fruit shop they have coconuts and they just chop it off it's so nice joey just

taught me about that by the way me and joey diaz are going to columbus ohio oh when are you doing that i think it's the weekend may 19th yeah they asked for me and joey that's awesome isn't that crazy that's awesome perfect first time ever on the road yeah 19th very nice something like that count your tickets you know what i'm saying count your tickets dude that guy you know this fucking guy i'm just gonna make some posters i'm gonna bring a death squad poster who was um who was booked this did joey book it joey booked it some woman came up to him and said that she wanted to book me and and jo Columbus. That's awesome. Beautiful. At the same club, the Funny Bone? Funny Bone.

And then we're trying to do, we're also doing maybe Scully's on Ohio State campus, or we might do Cleveland. The Funny Bone. Yeah, maybe go somewhere else. Yeah, Cleveland's good. Skip over and do the improv in Cleveland. The Funny Bone in Columbus is an awesome fucking club. It's a great club.

It's one of the great clubs in the country as far as how it's low and tight. Yeah, it is low ceilings. Yeah, that's a great fucking place. All right, so that's all that information. Hireprimate.com. Can I have some dates? Fuck yeah. What do you got?

Well, on March 15th, I'm doing Easton, Maryland at the Avalon Theater. Do you have a website where everybody can see all your dates if they don't remember this? AriTheGreat.com. Boom. You can remember that. AriTheGreat.com. They're all up there right now. A-R-I-S-H-A-F-F-I-R on Twitter.

I'll be in Addison on April 12th through the 15th at the Addison Improv. They'll let me headline. The Improvs will finally let me headline. That's awesome, dude. Addison, Texas is the shit. Yeah. Addison apparently was the one city in Dallas back in the olden days where you could drink. Oh, really?

That's why it's wild. Really? In Prohibition, you could still drink there? Well, it was not during Prohibition. They used to have weird laws about the city of Dallas. But Addison was where you could go to drink and smoke. Remember, I think you might still be able to smoke in the club. It might be one of the last places.

And maybe they changed that. I hope they didn't. Even though I hate cigarettes. I also like also like personal freedom yeah that's a problem yeah that's the one where it infringes on other people yeah it's a weird stinky well the real issue is for people who work there yeah it's stinky but it's also there's something about girls that smoke they're sluttier yeah you just know that they make decisions that don't matter. Yeah, they're crazy bitches. They're throwing cigarettes out the window, and they're not even thinking about where it goes.

I love girls. It's a sign. They're shoving a dick down their mouth. The loads go off. They're not thinking about what's going in there. They're not thinking about that sticky dick. Obviously not 100% of the time, but it helps your odds. It increases the odds of finding a winner.

Substantially. You see a girl with red nail polish, and she's chewing gum, and she spits her gum out into the bushes and then lights a way. Substantially. You see a girl with red nail polish and she's chewing gum and she spits her gum out into the bushes and then lights a cigarette, that girl might suck your dick. Hey, so what are we doing later? Yeah, that girl might be crazy. She's not thinking about shit.

She's just living for momentary little blips of thrills. If you're interested in coming to the Ice House, go to IceHhousecomedy.com and search for joe rogan or death squad yes stage two look for stage two because that's what we're doing and matt in march we're gonna do a fuckload of dates there because i'm gonna be around most of march you think you're all mr fear factor i think you're all fear factor. I forgot about that girl. That girl in Boston, that monster. You're going to tell your friends. She was having something with our friend.

That accent is just so bad. And while they were doing it, she was going, you're going to tell your friends. That's right. You're going to tell your friends. No one's going to know about this. Yeah, he told us just because it was gross. He told us the opposite, not like he was a stud. He's not bragging. He told us this because it was gross. He told us the opposite, not like he was a stud. He's not bragging.

He told us how sad it was. Here he is sobering up while he's half hard inside of her, and she's going, you're going to tell your friends. No. I saw a girl walk across that old room that they don't have anymore. Connection? Yeah, comedy connection. And she was super hot, walked all the way across the room like outside there and like i was like

and she's looking right at me and she just comes over she was going to the bathroom but she stopped and came to me she goes you're a wicked pissy funny or whatever crap i'm like oh you're a wicked pisser yeah wicked pisser funny killed it all you just teach her to talk different she'd be fine yeah i think you can do that though i couldn't have the patience to do that you know that girl It's a funny. It killed it all. You just teach her to talk different. She'd be fine. Yeah, sure. You think you could do that, though? I couldn't have the patience to do that. You know, that girl I used to date from Texas, Jessica, she would have the thickest, when I first met her, the thickest accent.

It was just like, oh, y'all. It sounded like she was a hillbilly. Right. Then she moved to LA, completely lost it. And then moved back, completely got it again. I bet when she went home to visit, it came back a little stronger, right? Yeah, it did. Yeah, it's my mama's.

I would have asked her to keep it. I love that accent. Texas accent's my favorite. Those are real women. Those are women. You know what I mean? They want to be women. They don't want to be president.

They don't want to be running shit. They like to be in women. The manlier areas where the men are manly, like, who's manlier than Texas dudes? You know, it's like big belt buckles and fucking trucks. Those are the womanly women. Whereas you get to San Francisco, you get chicks that want to fucking stuff a Birkenstock up your ass. Scream at you because you don't want to give them the right to choose. Obviously, these are generalizations.

We're just talking. We're just talking here. It's impossible for girls in Texas to even roll their eyes. Really? Why? They're just so laid back? They're not allowed. Go to higherprimate.com if you're interested in monkeys and weed and psychedelics. That's my t-shirt line.

Brian's reminding me. He's right. I've got to sell this fucking thing. You need sales, too. You never had sales or coupons for that. Okay, I'll get a coupon. Yeah, you should have a sale. Old stuff that you're not going to sell much anymore or have been around for a while.

People keep on asking me. That's why I say it. Well, I need to make a coupon code. But you know what? Bands do. This is my new thing. I think you should have a sale. Old stuff that you're not going to sell much anymore. Yeah, okay. People keep on asking me this. Well, I need to make a coupon code. But you know what bands do? This is my new thing. I think you should do it. A t-shirt of the year. Every year, some new design.

Oh, that's a good idea. You know? Because they have the old, last year's t-shirt, it's 50% off. You know what we should do? We should do a Joe Rogan Experience Podcast t-shirt by this dude. Which dude? Worldwide Sweatpants, whatever the fuck his name is. Mike Maxwell.

Formal Sweatpants. That's Formal Sweatpants That's not Mike Maxwell But Maxwell did a great job With the Chicago posters too Yeah have this guy Have this guy do a t-shirt Like that's their 2012 t-shirt

Yeah it's not a bad idea What should it be on it The Death Squad cat I'm tired of that cat bro Especially when you changed him I'm just gonna get myself Maybe something like that Maybe not exactly

You changed him just to Fuck Monkey Todd over I know what you did No I changed it because All those guys that have that tattoo You look You changed him just to fuck Monkey Todd over. I know what you did. No, I changed it because that's... All those guys that have that tattoo, you're like, yeah, you think you're cool. It's a marketing move. That's why. Thank you, cool.

That guy said like, hey, I'm going to get a tattoo of you. I'm like, don't do that. Don't fucking build heroes out of nowhere. Well, it's cool. It's like the old Marvel logo. It's kind of even hipper. Yeah. The old cat.

Exactly. Yeah. It's a marketing move. Oh, yeah, right. It's a good move. We started this new drink at the comedy store. It's called Suck My Cock. No, it's delicious. It's a Shirley's. It's a Shirley's. It's a marketing move. Oh, yeah, right. It's a good move. We started this new drink at the Comedy Store. It's called Suck My Cock? No, it's delicious.

It's a Shirley Temple with, what's it called, rum? Cherry rum. Oh, what is it? It's a Shirley Temple with cherry rum in it. Oh. And so at first we called it Shirley's Period, but then we thought that just wouldn't catch on enough. Of course it would.

So we called it Temple of Doom. Oh, I like that, too. Yeah, exactly. So now it's just going to be hey you know what they originally called this oh right it's gonna be part of the folklore and so that's a drink that they sell the store now yeah we invented it yeah oh that's cool so you only the front bar would know about it and i guess the back bar well if you order it though someone could ask someone if you're there if you're working yeah they could order it probably

anytime the front bar is open they all know now everybody knows now you invented there, if you're working, they could order it. Probably. Anytime the front bar is open, they all know now. Everybody knows now. You invented a fucking drink. Do you get a copyright on that already? No, just some satisfaction of knowing you have something to do with it. That would be badass if we were in Vegas a couple years from now. We ordered Temple of Dooms and everybody knew what it was. It's so delicious.

Right before you had gay sex. You could have it super alcohol-y. You can't taste it. This podcast is over, Brian. How dare you? How dare you? So we'll try to get arch barker for tomorrow no guarantees though but for sure we might do ice house chronicles yeah i think they might send

me to australia to what for in september do like a run of the cities oh one night in each city they might send you who the people that we work with oh your agent get me i don't know who's talking a list he's talking to oh that's cool isn't that the people that we worked with when we were there is it yeah i'm pretty sure yeah be'd be cool. Oh, yeah, Kylie. Yeah. Yeah, they were great. Yeah, Australia's awesome, man. It's just too far away.

I would go for like two weeks. For those asking about there's a UFC in Australia, I'm not going. I'm not going to any of the FX or Fuel shows that's happening. Yeah, no more. There are four channels. I'm doing only the ones that are on pay-per-view and the fox ones those are the ones i'm doing it so i got to watch last night jake ellenberger and diego sanchez went to war holy shit that was a great fight classic fight of the year candidate you should do one of those junk casts now that you're not going to totally should we should have done that last

night next time next time we'll do that we'll do a drunk cast plan yeah why not yeah we'll do it we'll broadcast uh i've never done one of those i'll put you know what I'll set up a fucking TV in here I'll bring a TV in here we'll just do it at the Ice House you don't have a TV at the Ice House and we're not going to do it illegal you fuckhead no we don't have to do it illegal

we just rent it we just rent it on Xbox oh you rent it on Xbox yeah really yeah or just get me an Xbox code from Dana I'm sure he has one of those

get you an Xbox code I'd rather pay for it like a god damn good citizen what are you saying? 50 bucks. Hey, we have what? Nothing. I'll tell you later.

Oh. Private stuff. Private stuff. Oh, the guys who sent us the super cool bong, if you're interested in it, go to jetwaterpipes.com. That's the name of it. It's pretty badass. It gets my full support. Me too.

Brian, four stars? Yes, me too. Four stars. I'll be in Toronto March 23rd, I think. AriTheGreat.com. Is everything up there? Yeah, yeah in Toronto March 23rd, I think. AriTheGreat.com. Is everything up there? Yeah, yeah. Go to AriTheGreat.com.

AriTheGreat.com. That's how you go. Ari Shafir on Twitter. A-R-I-S-H-A-F-F-I-R. I got really high for this one. This was a good one. Yeah.

I enjoyed it. That bong was really good. I love you folks. You enjoyed it. You showed everything in. What can we tell you that hasn't already been said, folks? We love you.

We appreciate you. We appreciate you. Most of you. There's a few of you that are pretty fucked up and you need to go. Kill yourself. Just kill yourself. Go to Brazil. Get some ayahuasca in your system. Yeah, you'll feel better. Go to Costa Rica. Have an Ibogaine session. Oh, Aubrey, formerly known as Chris,

the artist formerly known as Chris, is going there soon. He's going to do Ibogaine in Costa Rica. He's going to come back and tell us everything. He's going to come back with a different name. I am now Henry. He's going to be Crystal Fuck. I'm now Flower. I'm now Flower Child. Oh, and I have a podcast.

Oh, yeah. Skeptic Tank. Ari Shafir, Skeptic Tank, yeah. Ari Shafir. Should be the Ari Shafir Show. Change that shit. Should be the Ari Shafir Show, yeah. Just Ari Shafir. It's just the Ari,ir show change that shit should be the Ari Shafir show yeah just the Ari Shafir this is the Ari Ari Ari Shafir show this is the Joe Rogan experience and that's

by the way that's pretentious enough and it's only because I'm a huge Jimi Hendrix fan I basically ganked it that's it this fucking show's over thanks to

the Fleshlight for sponsoring our program if you go to joerogan.net click on the link for the Fleshlight enter in the code name Rogan.

You want one? I got a box of them. I got a stack. I got your new girlfriend, dog. Enter in the code name Rogan. You get 15% off. We're also sponsored by onnit.com. That's O-N-N-I-T.

And if you go to joerogan.net and see the link for AlphaBrain, the cognitive enhancing supplement that I took to be so smooth. You've got some cool art in here right now. Yeah, yeah. I started putting up some cool shit. I've got a bunch of shit I put up. Those are all...

What the fuck's his name? Ralph Stedman. Those are Stedman's. Those are cool. I've heard of him, right? He's the guy that did all of Hunter Thompson's artwork. Those are pretty badass. Yeah. I decided to dress this place Yeah. Yeah. I decided to dress this place up and,

oh, I should say the name of this fucking guy because I keep forgetting. Hold on a second. The guy who did the thing behind Brian, I know his name.

Oh, yeah. I was going to ask you about that. My website's DeathSquad.tv. I have the review of the Evita right now. Also, we have

5,000 new podcasts I just put up. We got new Brian Callen, which has an awesome Wait a minute. How many podcasts do you have? 5,000,000. Also, we have 5,000 new podcasts I just put up. We've got New Brian Cowan, which has an awesome new... Wait a minute. How many podcasts do you have? 5,000,000. Oh, if you want to watch the best podcast that we do, it's the Ice House Chronicles. It's as far as fun, and that's also available on the Death Squad label.

They're long. They don't take you the whole day. Yeah. They're really long. A lot of them are four hours and shit. Go to... Go to... Go to...

Go to... No. DeathSquad.tv. Go to... Go to... No. Desquad.tv. Go to iTunes and subscribe to Desquad. Last 24 hours to vote for me for that web shorty show. How are you doing? I'm not supporting you on this. This is ridiculous.

I'm up against Anthony. They're not sanctioned. They're not sanctioned. Grant Grand is the name of this dude who made this awesome fucking collage. Grant Grand? Yeah. Grant Grand. It's... Fucking... name of this dude who made this awesome fucking collage grant grand yeah grant grand it's um fucking just all kinds of cool designs and all sorts of weird weird shit that he incorporated

in there it's amazing it's really cool so uh grant thank you very much thank you very much i'm here starting a podcast sports podcast next week sounds awful sports you into? UFC, basketball, football. Sounds like the worst idea ever. Flashlight. Done. Onnit.com. Done. Enter in the code name Rogan. It's 10% off from now on every order.

It's not just your first order at Onnit.com. It's every order. Okay? Hey, man, you need more science behind it. Double blind placebos studies on the way. Okay? We're working on it. We're doing everything we're supposed to do.

Hey, man, did you know that Steve Novella criticized your scientific report? Yep, yep. We corrected everything that he critiqued, and we actually hired a scientific advisor. We're doing all the right things, people. Yes. We're doing all the right things. We're trying to keep it together. It's all for the positive.

It's all for you. This whole thing's for you. It's for you. It's for me. Because we are all one, and as we grow, you grow with us. You are not the you that you used to be. you are the accumulation of all your life's experiences and from now on be the best person you possibly can be the funniest the coolest have your shit together be the hero in your own story there should be an app for the marines should should be a fucking recruiting agent i'm gonna start my own marines yeah someday we're gonna get our cult

we're gonna we're gonna start one we're We should start a cult. We're going to start one. We're definitely going to start a compound. You want to build a house? I'm thinking of, for real, no bullshit. I'm thinking of buying a giant chunk of land near a lake, and we all build houses there. Just build houses like Amish people? Yeah. Well, listen, man.

I will buy the land. So we'll loan the land, and then I'll allow all my friends to come and build houses. Build up houses. Let's just have some badass houses on this piece of property. On a lake, yeah. Does that not sound like a good idea? And if we hear the incoming soon, we're like, hey, you want to go over there and do it? And then I'll allow all my friends to come and build houses. Build up houses. Let's just have some badass houses on this piece of property. Does that not sound like a good idea? And if we hear the incoming soon, we're like, hey, you want to go over there and do it? I would be willing to do Fear Factor for one more season just for the money for that.

I think it's a good idea. You're willing to do Fear Factor anyway for one more season. I would have kept going. I would have kept going. That's why I'm glad it ended. Terrible bargaining position. This fucking podcast is over. Support Ari Shafir by going to ari the great.com and by subscribing to his podcast which is ari shafir skeptic tank which is only available on itunes and ari the

great.com and stitcher and do you have the raw mp3 available on your website yeah someone has a fucking zune or something they can download it oh yeah you just hit a link for it yeah you don't have to be like it doesn't have you don't have to go to itunes or any of those things look at that beautiful come on folks it can't get any nicer and smoother and easier when are you going to do a fucking visual version of it like this for you stream we're doing that for the sports podcast oh but we're not going to do it for uh and that's going to be all punch drunk coming in a week did you have a really good one recently when you interviewed a hooker interview hooker was really good I heard a lot of good stuff about that one

two holocaust survivors was really good what is the what episode is the hooker 40 40 folks tomorrow night

we'll see you at the ice house in Pasadena what time is the show time Brian 10 o'clock show podcast starts at 9 at ustream.tv Ari will be there I'm pretty sure

maybe Arch Bartle will come he's hilarious yeah I would love to have him come. All right. This fucking show's over. Good night. We love you.