The Joe Rogan Experience - #1866 - Protect Our Parks 5

Episode Date: September 1, 2022

Shane Gillis, Mark Normand, and Ari Shaffir are stand-up comics, writers, and podcasters. Shane is the co-host of "Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast" with Matt McCusker. His special "Shane Gillis: Live in Austin," is available via YouTube, and a new season of "Gilly and Keeves," his sketch comedy series with John McKeever, is set to be released to YouTube this month. Sign up to learn more at www.gillyandkeeves.tv. www.shanemgillis.com Mark is the co-host of "Tuesdays with Stories" along with Joe List and "We Might Be Drunk" with Sam Morril. His latest special, "Mark Normand: Out to Lunch," is available via YouTube. Try his signature whiskey, Bodega Cat Straight Rye, currently available for order online. www.marknormandcomedy.com Ari is the host of "The Skeptic Tank." His current special, "Ari Shaffir: Double Negative," is available via Netflix. Look for the premiere of his new travel podcast, "You Be Trippin'," on September 26, and his upcoming comedy special, "Ari Shaffir: Jew," to be released sometime in October. www.arishaffir.com

the joe rogan experience train by day joe rogan podcast by night all day when you're on an iud you don't get periods no that's one of the perks yeah i didn't know that there's one of them you got like one period a year are we up oh okay we're talking about menstruation yeah so when you're on the iud, you don't get periods? No, no. My lady does not. Where does it go? It comes out of her ass. But I mean, I've read about a guy. Maybe I have an IUD. I read about a guy who has like some weird fucking birth defect where he comes out of his ass. Is it called gays? No, no, no, no. It's right after sex. See if you find that.

Let's start with this. Some guy had some weird issue where he was ejaculating out of his anus. Here we go, everybody. That's pretty nice. That sounds pretty good. It must feel great. It must feel great. I don't think so. That's just jizz.

Because then it would feel like you have jizz in your butt and it's not even yours. You're going to leak it down your leg. This is a case of rectal ejaculation. Of course, it's in Florida. Rectoprostate fistulas are uncommon anatomical connections between the prostatic urethra and rectum that are typically, say that word. Typically. Latrogenic.

Latrogenic? Iatrogenic. Iatrogenic. Iatrogenic. Oh, it's an I. Iatrogenic, but can also result from other underlying pathology. Here we present a unique case of a rectal prostate fistula causing the rectal passage of sperm. A 33-year-old male with a history of illicit drug use, presented within five days of testicular pain and a substantial amount of sperm passage from his rectum with ejaculation for the past two years.

The drugs. Computed tomography and voiding cystorethrogram of the pelvis revealed evidence of a rectal prostate fistula. He was treated with piberacillin to zevactim. Thank you. Surgical fistula repair was performed. Further investigation

defaulted. Fistula. Further investigation divulged a three-week comatose state due to cocaine. What is that word? Fensildine intoxication two years prior with documentation suggesting a traumatic Foley catheter placement

and strong suspicion for premature balloon dilation of the prosthetic urethra. What is that in English? I don't know what it is. Maybe someone shoved a balloon up his ass when he was high. Something happened that was really bad. That was a guy who went too hard.

Too hard. He went too hard. He went too crazy. He enjoyed life. Imagine going so hard you wake up jizzing out of your ass. It's a wild night. People are like, oh, I lost my car keys. And my fucking, I got kicked out of my house because I didn't pay rent.

Oh, yeah? I come out of my ass. I party so hard. I come out of my butt now. Yeah. He's just leaking. The gay guy who fucked him has got to feel good. Like, yeah? I cum out of my ass. I party so hard. I cum out of my butt now, dude. Yeah. He's just leaking. The gay guy who fucked him has got to feel good.

Like, look what I did to you. He farts so good. He farts bubbles. Farts cum bubbles out of his ass. Oh, man. How about that? Probably thought

it was other guy's jizz just like stored away back there. Especially waking up. Yeah. Like, holy shit, I got to fuck his ass. I wonder how many times he did that before he was like,

I got to go to the doctor. Yeah. A long time. Yeah, a man will go like, I had to work itself out. Exactly. A long time. I wonder how many times you did it before he was like I got another doctor yeah Yeah, man, okay like I had to work itself out No biggie just a hole in the pipes. I did fuck a lot of dudes last night This seems I think a lot of dudes fucked him could be right I think yeah, this is probably some damage going on in there you hold off on that visit as long as you hold off Yeah, this thing's got to sort itself out Just take a look at what you find that is not a bit long as you can. You hold off. You're like, this thing's gotta sort itself out. You gotta clear the seam and I'll be like,

just take a look and tell me what you find. Why don't we have glasses and ice? Ooh! We got whiskey. We're in here? Glasses and ice were in here? Someone took them away? That doesn't seem like... No dice on the ice? Ice, it's on the border.

Yeah. What are we gonna do? Be sober? Jesus Christ, boys. Now, how do the gay guys decide who does the top bottom? I think some guys like it. They like it. Yeah, some guys like bottom. Some guys like top. Wouldn't you want to mix and match? Some guys don't want to.

Some guys do the old swap. Yeah, switch it up. Yeah, it feels weird that there's an assigned, you know, one way. It's weird. Yeah, dating's weird. Yeah. Dating's weird, huh? Just saying. Gay guys, call in.

Didn't they used to have the handkerchief signs? Wasn't that a thing? No, it was just what people would tell you if you had a handkerchief hanging. They'd be like, you know what that means? You're gay. If you got an earring, they'd be like, that means you're a bottom. Different handkerchief colors meant different things. Right, there was always a thing where you like had, had, if your pants were rolled up on one side.

Yes. That means you liked this. And then there was the tap in the bathroom. That was big. I think that one's legit. That's real? Yeah. That's like some weird stuff with guys who are in the closet who go to restrooms at airports.

That's like congressman gay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's another level of gay. I mean, that's exactly what happened to a senator. That's right. That's where Iman gay. That's another level of gay. That's exactly what happened to a senator. That's right. That's where I learned about it. So this is yours? Bodega Cat? That's me and Sam Merrill's new rye. Is this good? Tastes great.

Crack it open. It's for sale now online. It's called Bodega Cat straight rye whiskey. How long has it aged for? A week. A week. Does it age at all? Oh, sure. Big age. Don't lie to me.

I don't know anything about the aging. I thought it was aged. How much do you know about whiskey? He drinks a lot of it. Just the taste. I know rye and whiskey are different. What got me into whiskey was late night shows at the cellar with you and Sam and Mackie drinking bullet rye on the rocks.

Yeah, I love a good rye. Gentlemen, to, what is this, episode four or five? Five. Five? Is it five? We have protected zero parks. Yeah, fuck the parks. Protect our parks is 100% unsuccessful. I drove by it the other day.

I'm like, God damn it. It's just all flattened. Thank you. Pretty fucking good. We tasted like 10 different ryes. Oh,. I'm like, God damn it. It's just all flattened. Thank you. Pretty fucking good. We tasted like 10 different ryes. Oh, come on. Oh, God. I'm trying to sell this here.

Rogan. It's pretty good. It's right next to Buffalo Trace. It's a hard sell. Well, one's a ride. We've got to do blind test test. No. Yeah, let's do blind.

I'm more of a bodega can drunk. Thank you. You like it dark? Yeah, I usually don't like this shit. This is actually pretty good. You like it with a Yeah, I usually don't like this shit. This is actually pretty good. You like it with a little fucking kick to it? That's a kick.

This is just my friend. That's hoity-toity. Before show, hoity-toity. The Buffalo Trace is too high end. This is an American... It isn't even expensive. This is, you know, for the people.

Buffalo Trace isn't even expensive. It's a salami of whiskey. Buffalo Trace is expensive. Fuck Buffalo Trace. Fuck Buffalo Trace. Kill yourself. Listen, bodega cat, I love the comedians involved, so I'll support it.

All right. Thank you. That's all I need. I like a fucking good harsh whiskey. I like a shot of Jack before a show. Hell yeah. But I don't sip it and savor it like an old scotch. Jack's not a sipping.

Yeah, it's like. No way. Yeah. It's good for a boiler maker. You take a shot and a beer. It's good right before a show where you just down one and go, let's fucking go. Yeah, dude. Woo.

Yeah. Boys. Paint thinner. Good to see you. Right before a show. You just down one and go, let's fucking go! Yeah, dude. Boys. Paint thinner. Good to see you. Good to be back. Always good to see you guys. Very exciting. How long did it take you to recover from the last one? Solid day. I think I was okay saying goodbye. Did I seem okay saying goodbye? No. You didn't say goodbye.

He slept a long time. He slept on the floor for at least an hour, and I stayed until he left, and it was several hours. But I was like, hey, see you, man. Yeah, you did. He slept a long time. He slept on the floor for at least an hour, and I stayed until he left, and it was several hours. But I was like, hey, see you, man. Yeah. Yeah, you were good. Yeah, you recovered. You had a big smile on your face.

You had cum coming out of your ass. I was pretty banged up. That took me a week. A week? That was a tough one, because then I went to Kill Tony. And you kept drinking. We kept going. How many did you have that day in total?

I don't know. Probably had five or six at Kill Tony, at least to Kill Tony. And you kept drinking. Oh, I kept going. How many did you have that day in total? I don't know. Probably had five or six at Kill Tony at least. Kill Tony's a blur. Into the 20s. Probably around 30, yeah. I had to watch part of that on YouTube to be like, oh, yeah. That show was so important. I didn't watch any of that.

It's such a good show for comedy. It's a fun show. It sets comics up, like the young people coming up. It sets them up like on the right path. Just be funny. Would have been nice if we had that when we were starting. It would have been amazing. A nice little press.

Oh, my God. And you see these people that go on to have careers. Like, how to kill Tony. And they legitimately have careers. It's a credit. People use it as a credit. Who's the biggest kill Tony picked out of the hat? Who's the biggest one?

Well, let me see. Preacher Lawson. He started there? Yeah, he started killing Tony. He's in the stand-up. He's killing it. He's great. Damn, really me see. Preacher Lawson. He started there? Yep, he started to kill Tony. He's on the stand a lot of times. He's killing it. He's great. Damn, really?

Yeah. Ally McCoskey's doing really well on the road now. Hans Kim is a fucking killer. I bring that guy with me everywhere. He's so funny. He's so good. That guy is fucking killing it. William Montgomery's killing it.

There's a lot of good people. David Lucas is killing it. Him and Tony together I was the guest last week. I was fucking in tears. Like crying in tears at those two going after each other. Lucas and him those two together are like the best one two combination in comedy.

He opened for me at the Creek when I was here and he just vapes on stage. He's so fucking chill. He's just talking, and he's like, I don't know. I was like, what are you doing? He's such a good guy. He's so chill. Such a good guy. So funny.

But yeah, doing Kill Tony after this was, fuck, that hurt. That was tough. That was bad. That was pretty sad. Well, you're doing it tonight. Yeah, but we're not drinking 30 beers tonight. Well, you have a fucking one beer and a whiskey and a Nate Diaz shirt. That's fine.

The odds of you not going hard today. I'm not going to get fucked up. It just happens. It just happens. It just happens. On the way over, I was like, I'm going to take it easy. As soon as we walked in this room, I was like, fuck. I'm definitely getting fucked up.

There's so many instruments of death here. Jamie's like, oh, I got a beer bong. We literally have a tomahawk on the fucking table. Yeah. This isn't good. Is that for? That's a Jack Carr tomahawk. Is that for?

From the Terminalist, the television show that he uses, Chris Pratt uses to fucking split a guy's head open. Dude, Chris Pratt's the fucking man. He's the fucking man. Really? He's the fucking man, dude. He's religious. Great dude in real life.

I bet. Great dude. I ran into him accidentally once in Hawaii. He was on vacation. He was on his honeymoon with his wife. And I was there with my family, and he just strolls up like a fucking normal person. He's like a normal guy. How long ago?

Was it still Chubby, Chris Pratt? A couple years ago. Remember when he was a nerd? He wasn't Chubby. Chubby going the other way. Chris Pratt was the man. He was already Guardians of the Galaxy Chris Pratt, so he was already kind of real. Dude, yo, we were talking about crying during movies.

I cried during Guardians of the Galaxy on an airplane. What? Two weeks ago. I cried, dude. Why? I don't know. I love that shit, dude. One or two.

Number one or two. Unfortunately, two. Dude, started playing fucking Fleetwood Mac and it was showing how much he loved his friends. Yeah. And I was on an airplane by myself just like. It's rude. You know what they say? It's the airplane. It's the elevation. Dude, I cry on planes every time myself just like. It's rude. You know what they say? It's the airplane.

It's the elevation. I cry on planes every time. Well, you're also vulnerable. That's why I like to get high on planes. Like when we would take edibles, Ari, and get up, we would get blitzkrieg. Like we would be in a neighboring dimension. I could never do that. And we would be on planes.

We do it all the time. Dude, I was so high once that I thought I have low blood pressure. I thought taking off would kick the blood into my feet. And since I would keep kicking off, I would just die. And I was looking over. I'm like, I think I want to get off this plane, but I can't tell Rogan because he'll give me shit for it. And I was like, well, I'm done.

I gave Segura once an edible and he got on a plane with me and he goes, I almost didn't make it when we landed. He goes, I was almost freaking out. I almost asked him to land the plane. I almost asked him to land the plane. Almost asked him to land the plane. It's the worst place to do an edible. You're trapped.

You're trapped. It's the perfect place to do an edible because you're trapped. I did it once, never again. But that's the reason why you do it on a plane. You've got to let go. That's the whole idea. And also, if you get the spins, you just stay in your chair and it's like, it's fine. You just deal with it.

Just don't be a pussy. You're going to live. It's a nightmare. You're going to live. It does suck. Just don't be a pussy. Don't be a pussy. Have an edible. You're going to live. It's a nightmare. You're going to live. That's your new t-shirt. Just don't be a pussy. Don't be a pussy. Have an edible.

You're going to live. Everybody lives. I wonder if anybody on flight 93 was on an edible. Somebody must have been on an edible on that flight. One guy at least. One guy. You're right. Just going to the building like, whoa, this is pretty cool.

They shot that fucking plane out of the sky. Yes. The DC one? Almost no doubt. Yeah, almost no doubt they shot it out of the sky. The wreckage was scattered for miles. In Somerset. They should have.

Huh? Yeah, they're supposed to. You say that's a hoax? They just didn't want to say it. It was not a hijacked plane. It was headed towards the might of propaganda. What? I'm saying that let's roll, all that, probably didn't happen.

That was to give America a victory. Like, we fought back against them. We got our, you know. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah, they crashed it into the ground to save the White House. Get the fuck out of here. They grounded all planes. One plane suddenly wasn't talking, and it was headed off its course towards the White House.

And they were like, hello, are you there? They found the wreckage. Get it. The wreckage was spread out over miles. Now, in a plane crash, the wreckage does not spread for miles. But when you blow something up in the air, I would imagine that it would spread out for miles. But when you hit the ground, how is the wreckage spread for miles? It doesn't even make sense. I think there was something I think it was Cheney Cheney was like do it

I don't know why I'm thinking this and I'm sure it if the if like those people are dead I'm doing coke and they're like Chinese like I got it to just go read the kids Let's say there's 200 people on a plane, and those 200 people are 100% hijacked. There's terrorists on the plane, and they're going to crash into the White House. Now, instead of 200 people dead, you have 2,000 people dead. You don't think they're going to blow that thing out of the sky? Had to. They have to.

I haven't heard of it. This is the first time I'm hearing it. It's the protocol. Yeah. Yeah. It's not even- I don't know. Even back then, I was like, this seems fishy.

I talked to military guys about it and they were like, yeah, how do they get service on the plane? Don't watch every time. You have a Rolex. I knew a Rolex. You don't even wear it. I can't wear that. I don't get mugged. In New York? Oh, yeah.

New York. Just don't wear in New York. You wear it here. I don't know. I just lost my sunglasses on the plane. You don't even know how to shut that off. I don't know what the hell to do Just don't wear it in New York. You wear it here. I don't know. I just lost my sunglasses on the plane. You don't even know how to shut that off. I don't know what the hell to do. It's not even the right time. Why do you have it on, though? I like a watch.

It doesn't tell the time, for real? Well, it says it's Thursday at 4. So, yeah, it's right in Hawaii. So it'll be right at Thursday on 4. Thursday at 4 somewhere. It's right in Hawaii. So it'll be right at Thursday on 4. Thursday on 4 somewhere. It's right in Hawaii. It's $10. Can't beat it.

Yeah, well, they probably do calculations on it too, right? Is that one of those? No, I wish. No features. It lights up. Remember when they had the calculator watches? Oh, yeah. I thought you were the shit.

If you had calculators on your watch, they wouldn't let you into college with them. That's right. Because you could cheat. What are you doing? You're going to cheat with your stupid watch? I don't remember this. Oh, yeah. You didn't go to college. Yeah, you were in five colleges. That's right. Because you could cheat. What are you doing? Are you going to cheat with your stupid watch? I don't know. I don't remember this. Oh, yeah. You didn't go to college.

Yeah, you were in five colleges. I went to three. I went to community college. I went to a bunch of colleges. If I get this dude loaned in, I'll be making money. And there was a time where that was the shit, to have a calculator on your watch. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I never had one, but yeah, it was the thing.

It was cool. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I remember this. And it was the thing it was cool. Yeah. Yeah, I'm a native throwbacks to it Yeah, like like decades later though. Like hey get those gone. Yeah, I would get one of those now you'd wear a calculator watch I hope they shot down flight 93. Hey, well, you're probably wise. We're just trashing the let's roll dude The guy who died like a hero He's up and having a The odds of them telling us the truth In every situation are slim to none

How did he get reception up there? Who reported that he said that? They did have the credit card swipe phones On the backs of seats So he called home and said I'm going to go do something? I forget the exact story I listened to the black box of it or read the black box. Read the black box transcript.

That's just on a pilot. I've read it. That's just on a cockpit. This dude's up there. I think I might have talked about this last time. Oh. Got into reading black boxes. Don't be scared.

Lastword.com. Whoa. Black box. Lastword. Good name for a porn. You're scared of weed, but you drink like a fish. It's very odd. Drinking makes me feel good.

What does weed do? Makes me feel pretty bad. Really? Everybody's got their drug. It's all personality based. I'm with you. Anxiety is your friend. I have it regularly.

I disagree. It's here to tell you things. It's here to tell you things. Bad news. All the things you're anxious about, fix those. All those things you're anxious about, fix those. I'm with you, Shane. All the things you're anxious about, fix those. All those things you're anxious about, fix those. I'm with you, Shane. You got to do what's right for you.

Thanks, bro. Oh, look at this fucking big brother. I love weed. Louis Katz has a joke about it. He goes, weed, you know, marijuana means no worries. And then one day, it meant all the worries. Right. It's just like, I don't know when it turns on people.

It does turn on you, but it also turns on you if you've got something to turn on. We all have something to turn on. Yeah. It's like those are the things you have to think about. Yeah. Hot box you fucks. I'm not going to get high on here and be like, fuck, I got to start working out. But you are.

You have to work it out. Yeah, I'm working on it. You already know that. It's going slow. Yeah. You look a little more jacked. Let's go. You look more jacked.

Look at that. You look huge. You made me work out today. It sucked. Yeah. You guys worked out together? Yeah. Nice.

What'd you do? We did some dumb training shit. Yeah? Yeah. Nice. Look at you. Embarrassed. Started with some sumo squats.

Not a big deal. Oh, wow. Sumo squats. Why didn't sumo ever make it to America? Because we don't- We were fat. We liked to wrestle. Our fat people are more lazy.

Yeah, but sumo's cool. Our fat people like to move. Sumo's interesting. It's interesting. I think we could dominate. An American guy won, and they were all pissed about it. He became the champion. I think it was a Hawaiian guy.

That makes sense. Big people. Giant, big dude. Big Polynesian fella. You've seen the guy with the ukulele. Yeah, one of them fellas. Yeah, he's fat. Big giant, big bones, big fucking frame.

Yeah. You got to be a big fuck. They eat so much. You watch those sumo wrestlers eat, it's crazy. Oh, really? Oh, my God. Because that's the whole thing. You got to have mass.

I think they get laid. Like, they're heroes. Oh, yeah. In Japan, it's a gigantic tradition. I mean, just the rich history of it. It's a big deal over there. Yeah. That's got to be fun, though, because over here you're trying to cut weight.

It's all about cutting weight. Over there you're probably trying to just keep gaining it. Also, you're wearing this rope diaper. I don't like the diaper. That people hang on to. I love the diaper. Hang on to someone's underwear and throw them around by it. It's a very strange sport.

It is a weird sport. It's just all wedgie. Right. I wonder if they've ever had matches between really elite, high-level wrestlers that are big, giant guys and sumo guys. Like, I wonder who wins those if they do sumo. I bet sumo guys must dominate that. They know how to, like, it's just linebacker shit, right? Just going low and pushing people back.

Yeah, but I would imagine that a really good, agile, like, 300-pound wrestler might be able to. They do have some of those. They do have those matches because there are some sumo guys that are, like, like 300-pound wrestler might be able to... They do have some of those. They do have those matches because there are some sumo guys that are like smaller. They look more like wrestlers. They're not big fat guys and they go up against the Yokozunos, the fucking thousand-pound boys. What does Yokozuno

mean? I don't know. That's a great name, though. Yokozuno's like the champion, right? Let's see. What is... Who's the best sumo wrestler today? Alive. There we go.er's like the champion, right? Let's see. That's like the mountain verse that got you torn. Who's the best sumo wrestler today, alive? There we go. Who's like the fucking Jon Jones of sumo wrestling? There's got to be somebody.

Jon Jones is the best. It's hard to argue. He never got taken down. Mighty Mouse just won the one championship. He won the rematch and got his title back. Mighty Mouse is the fucking man. He also put it on the line more than John Jones I don't wouldn't say that Well, I would say John Jones put it on the line with everybody that was against him in his division and John

Gustafson he likes the line less fights It's like who does John Jones cleaned out his fucking division you can't say any ifs ands or buts about it But mighty mouse was less recognized because he was small. So these are the best guys right now? These guys are thin. This is thin in America. Don't even help the guy up? No, he's like, fuck you, bro.

Oh, they're bleeding. You never see the bleeding. Oh, wow. What happened? Smash heads. Is that what it is? Yeah. Oh, yeah, right.

He went nose to forehead right there. Oh, see, this is awesome. Slap the face. We should do this here. Oh, yeah, right. He went nose to forehead right there. Oh, see, this is awesome. Slapped the face. We should do this here. Oh, he's slapping. Oh, this is crazy. Oh, you're done, dude. You know you're done.

Oh, he caught you slipping. Boom. Wow. And you land on the ground. There's not even a cushion there. Yeah, why not? Make it all even. They're supposed to throw you down.

That's part of the thing. It's like the indignity of falling. I love it. I love the diaper. It's so traditional. Oh, he slapped him. This is awesome. How hard can you slap? I don't know. That's so traditional. Oh, slap them. This is awesome. How hard can you slap? I don't know. That's neat. No, but this is what I'm saying.

How hard are you allowed? Yeah, look at that. Because otherwise... Oh, you're trying on the lady in the front. She shouldn't be there. Get out of there with your phone. She was looking at her phone. Her shoulder is probably fucked. Show that again.

Her shoulder must be fucked. Watch that again. Show it again. That lady, her shoulder must be fucked. Watch this. Boom. That's a man. That's a man. That's a man. That's a man. Watch.

Look, he's got a bald spot. Yeah, you don't want to be pro. Watch what happens to his shoulder. No more mayonnaise jars. You'll never open up a mayonnaise jar without harm. These guys are badass. Yeah, these guys are huge. Giant guys.

They're not just big fat guys. They're like... They're beefy. They're strong as fuck. They're tanks. Those score seven trees to two bushes? So these are the best guys, huh? These are the best guys?

They're not as big as I remember them as a kid. Like this one guy. No, there's big guys. There are big guys. The best sumo of all time. Oh! Double... Whoa!

That was slick. That fat guy is slick. That's pretty slick. That's what we call a swim technique. I bet they're slippery, too, those Asian hairless queefs. Look at that. He's like a seal. They probably have some very specific rules.

He just lets them go? Like, you're probably not allowed to grease your body. Oh, sure. Shoulder right to the face. Oh, man. He knew he was dealing with a chump. Johnny, we've got to adopt this. Although, you can just see this as an eagle's face. He's dealing with a chump. Yeah, this is just offensive. Ari, that guy is like the number two in the face. Oh, man. He knew he was dealing with a chump. Johnny, we've got to adopt this, although

you can just see this as an eagle's game. He's dealing with a chump. Yeah, this is just offensive. Ari, that guy is like the number two in the world. He's clowning him.

Two guys tailgating. He was clowning him. Well, he was definitely beating him with strategy. Now, what do they make a year? Because there's got to be some diabetes and

stuff going. It can't be good for you, right? No. To be that big? It can't be great for you. I heard they eat once a day. What?

But they're crazy once a day to get their metabolism thousand look at this guy ten thousand calories this guy fucking rules that brings you take a punch I want that outfit from the look at his forehead yes oh he killed that dude that was a Show that again. Oh, he elbowed him in the face. I didn't know he could do that. He KO'd him. Do that again. One more time. I've got to show it in slow-mo. I'm telling you.

Is that legal? Slow-mo's underrated. It has. Oh, that forearm shot to the jaw. KO'd. I love the referee, too. Full guard. Oh, my God.

That dude just KO'd. 100%. I didn't know this happened. Wow. I'm telling you, slow-mo. Is he going to try again? This is cool that I remember. Watch this. Here's slow-mo. Oh!

Wow. That should be illegal. Why not? It should be legal. That's awesome. I thought it was just pushing out. Elbows and shit. It's your forearm. Maybe it's okay to push with your forearm. That is 100% a strike. That's like some Muay Thai shit. Wow. That's some Leon Edwardsay Thai shit. Wow. That's some

Leon Edwards shit right there. So fat. I love it. That's elbows. Look at these guys. I like how they're backstage dingy. That's a special skill to hit people with your elbows. That guy moved. Ooh, a nice flip there. Have you ever

seen Nate Marquardt versus Tyron Woodley in Strike Force? No. It's one of the greatest elbow combinations ever, like a goddamn video game. This is when Nate Marquardt was one of the top fighters on Earth, but people didn't really get to know him. He didn't get famous in America

like he probably should have. Look at this. Oh! Watch this. Whitey. Oh! And again, watch this. Boom. Boom. And again, watch this. Boom. This is after UFC for Woodley, right?

Yeah. No, no, no. This is before. This is before the UFC. This was Nate Marquardt when he was at the top of the world. I've never heard of him. He was one of George St. Pierre's sparring partners. He did a lot of sparring with Shane Carwin.

He was one of those guys out of Colorado. Bro, I'm telling you, at this point in his career, Nate Marquardt was a fucking beast. He was so talented. And he fought all over the world. He fought in Japan when he was very young. What happened to him? Well, you know, all fighters, they run their course, man. Your body's not designed for this.

He did well in the UFC. Didn't he have a title fight with Anderson? He did very well in the UFC. Didn't he have a title fight with Anderson? He did very well in the UFC. Yeah. I mean, he knocked out Damian Maia with one punch in the UFC. He beat a lot of good guys in the UFC. And Chael Sonnen beat him when Chael was at his best and Nate was arguably close to his best. And Chael just ragdolled him.

That's why whenever someone says that Chael Sonnen wasn't a good fighter, I'm like, you're out of your fucking mind. Chael Sonnen just fought Jon Jones. It doesn't mean that Chael Sonnen wasn't elite. Chael Sonnen submitted his show gun. If you watch Chael Sonnen fight, but watch the fight with Nate Marquardt, because that was Nate Marquardt when he was a fucking assassin.

And Chael Sonnen just wrestle fucked him to death. Just ragdolled him, threw him around, and you get see like how good Chael was when he was at his best I've never lost beat Anderson Silva. I've never lost one round of any fight in my life I've never lost one minute of any congratulations my life. You never had no a fistfight. That's a Chael Sonnen quote Oh, yeah, that's what he would say. Yeah, he would say that that's right I forgot he said that. He would say that after he lost like Like, he didn't give a fuck. Yeah. When I come into the octagon, it's thunderous. When Anderson Silva comes in, you can hear a mouse pissing on cotton.

Yeah. He's got a bunch of lines on him. Guy came that close to being the middleweight champion of the world. So funny. If he just defended that triangle, which he probably would eight out of ten times. If eight out of ten times, He just last round, exhausted, got stuck, oh shit, I'm in a fucking triangle and it's locked up.

You gotta realize how long that is. It was 4-0. Yes. Yeah, he was dominating him. He was taking him down left and right. But it's so long. To fight that long is so long. So not to make one mental mistake against a guy. It's so long. You're so tired. No one's body is designed for that.

No one's body. So they have to pace themselves. Oh, here we go. He trapped him. Look at that. Look how good that goddamn triangle is, too. Dude, that is just locked in. And Chael's trying to get out.

And now he's got the arm, too, and he had to tap because he was doing his arm sideways. See how he's got his arm sideways? That's terrifying. Why won't he let go? He's letting go. He's just making sure that he realizes he tapped. Oh, okay. I think Chael was saying that he didn't tap.

Oh, he definitely tapped. He definitely tapped. 100% he tapped. I think he might have been saying he didn't tap. Maybe he woke up. Sometimes that does happen. I was like, what happened? No, you guys go out.

This is super common, and then they try to take down the referee. It's super common. Oh, yeah, I've seen that. It happens all the time. See, you can go out. This is super common and then they try to take down the referee. It's super See you can't think like you can't think like he was trying to cheat You got to think he probably just woke up because if you're watching this he's fully locked in with a triangle and Anderson Squeezing and pulling down on the head. See how he's doing right there in the anaconda Something that shit is he's so close to unconsciousness. I mean, he's moving around and flailing, but when he's tapping here, he's tapping. That was it.

He went out. That was it. He went out, dude. He went out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think he went out. He might only went out for a half a second, but I think he went out. His eyes roll back, like when he's tapping, and Anderson keeps his squeeze on him.

Oh, that blows to get one. So when you wake up. I mean, it's a clear tap But it's still like no no no that was a tap that was a tap He'll tell you that was a tap. Oh really, but I think he just woke up see like he's 100% tapping I'm tapping, but here's the thing. It's like him waking up from that like you wake up from that You don't know what the fuck just happened Yeah, you're literally went black and then back to reality and you're like what is going on?

You think you're still in a fight yeah like so guys do that something like Kevin Lee did that too that happened with him and was it right yes dude fired up go back to that one was that is that the finger we can't put this all together with Charles Oliveira no he Tony tapped him with a triangle but Kevin Charles Oliver Tony tapped him with a triangle, but Kevin Lee did it with Charles Oliveira. Charles Oliveira caught him in like a guillotine or something. I forget what he caught him with, but he caught him like really tight. And Kevin Lee tapped, and then he woke up and tried to keep going.

Yeah, I went out once. Did you really? Yeah, and then Eddie Bravo was just over me. I couldn't make sense of it. I was like, did I fall asleep while you were talking? I didn't want to be rude. And I was like, wait, no, we were doing drills. It takes a second. Oh, yeah. I got knocked

out in college and then I pissed myself. It's not quite the same thing. We talked about this last time. That's the most humiliating shit of all. That's what happened to Tyson against Buster Douglas. They had to tell him he was in the corner like, what the fuck? Yeah. Yeah, but it's a little

different. The chokeout doesn no, you lost. But it's a little different. Like, the chokeout doesn't give you the same damage. Like, with the knockout, they'll ask questions like for hours later. Sometimes guys get knocked out real bad, and then like you'll talk to them five minutes later. They're like, what happened? Yeah. And then you tell them again.

And then five minutes later, they'll be like, what happened? And then you tell them again. They don't remember. That's scary. Don't you lose like 10, 20 seconds back? It's not a standard thing it's not like standardized it happens depending upon how hard you got hit where you got hit who you are what what kind of genetics do you have like are you good at taking a shot or is your body more vulnerable because everybody it varies like there's guys like mark

hunt you can kick him in the head and he just bounces off his head oh yeah his prime dude he was a monster like he he was like known for being able to take a shot better than anyone alive. He's Hawaiian, right? Australian. Well, Samoan. Samoan, right? Same shit. Yeah, he's from Australia.

He's the shit. Mark Hunt was an elite, elite kickboxer. He won the K1 Grand Prix. That's like the most prestigious title in all of kickboxing. Auckland, New Zealand. Oh, yeah. I was just in Australia. Didn't he train also in Australia? Yeah, he lived in Australia. Did it say that he trained? Oh, yeah. He lived in Australia, but he's from New Zealand. Oh, yeah. I was just in Australia. Didn't he train also in Australia?

Yeah, he lived in Australia. Did it say that he trained? Oh, yeah. He lived in Australia, but he's from New Zealand. Oh, she is. He's the fucking man. She is, yeah. What's that?

I'm in the war. Tui Vassa. Fucking. Tui Vassa's the man. Stylebender. He's awesome. Yeah. Come on, man.

What's his name? Volkanovski. Yeah. Oh, he's cool. That dude, Kai Kauerfranz, is a bad motherfucker, too. The guy who just lost to Brandon Marino. Yes. He got caught. He got kicked in the liver. That did suck. You seeski? Yeah. Oh, he's cool. That dude, Kai Kauerfranz, is a bad motherfucker, too. The guy who just lost to Brandon Marino. Yes. He got caught.

He got kicked in the liver. That did suck. You see that? Yeah. It was a good fight. It was a good fight. And he got caught. I mean, but that's what happens.

You're fighting the best guys in the world. How's your liver doing? It can't be great. It's all right. It's all right. I mean, have you tested it? Yeah. I take it.

I feel it. Oh, really? Let's see if it hurts. Does it pulse? Does it push? No, I don't know. Do you get an expert to look at it? I, I take it. I feel it. Oh, really? Let's see if it hurts. Does it pulse? Does it push? No, I don't know. Do you get an expert to look at it? I don't know.

My liver's all right. I can imagine if we had an expert look at Shane's liver, they'd call up other experts. Like, you've got to come and see this. That would be fun. This thing is like the Hulk's dick. Something happened. It's the most powerful liver we've ever encountered, ever. We'll see.

We'll see. It's early. It's early. Normal liver levels. Back to the future. Remember that. It's like five times normal liver levels. Back to the future. Remember that liver we've been talking about? Watch this. Imagine if that's what we found out, you have this superior... You know how Lance

Armstrong has a big heart? He has a really large heart. Aw, nice. He's a sweetie. But he has an unusually large heart, which aids in his cardio. Really? I didn't know that. Yeah.

The question is, is that nature or nurture? Yeah. Or or is that is it from all the hard work of doing it like a hard cardio his whole life and also some help somehow there's some stuff going on other things that might make your heart I don't want to trash him I don't trash him he seems kind of like the man but he's the man the audacity to put out that Nike commercial where he's like what am I on I'm on my bike busting my ass He sued and won for libel for the Get that money back dude he rules he made a lot of money on those bands Everybody in their hand.

It's one of those weird ones where if he was the only one that was on the drugs. They were all doing it. They had to give the title to the 17th racer. We are such children. We're such children.

Dude, let them juice. They're riding bikes. We want extreme athletic performance, but we don't want to know that they're doing it with pharmaceutical help. Yeah, why not? We're fucking children. They say that the Tour de France is healthier for you if you're on those drugs. Performance, but we don't want to know that they're doing it with pharmaceutical help. Yeah, why not children?

They say that the Tour de France is healthier for you If you're on those drugs, they sell the Tour de France is so bad devastating It's so hard on your body. Of course. You have to be a crazy savage. Also, it's not fighting fighting makes sense Cuz then you're putting the other guy at risk Yeah You're cheating you're getting fucking roided out. But you're kind of putting the other guy at risk with this because if they do have complications from that stuff and if it's mandatory to compete. So if you have a league and you don't check illegal drug use, this is the problem.

Then you're subject to liability. And in fact, Mark Hunt is suing the UFC. I remember that. Because Brock Lesnar tested positive after his fight. And they said, like, you put me in harm's way. You knew ahead of time. I don't know if there's any merit to that case I don't I don't I mean he would have to prove that they knew it that they knew that Brock Lesnar was

doing steroids and I don't think they would ever how would they know they're not in his camp about Brock Lesnar. He's like, he man. I'm not afraid that Brock Lesnar would fuck me. I'm afraid he would use me as a condom to fuck someone way bigger. That's true. He's so big. He's a fucking enormous human, man.

The flat top, the sword on the chest. And he was an elite wrestler in college. Elite. He's an elite wrestler. That sword on the chest. He's a beast of a man. That should be a tattoo you walk up to someone and like, that's fucking, you look like a dumbass.

Yeah, that was one of the worst tattoos of all time. And everyone's like, that's so cool. Nobody wanted to say shit. Tell him that was a good idea. You know what he should do? He should go to some dude who's like really good and get like a fucking Conan sword put in there.

Like take that bullshit shit sword cuz think about all those like super elite tattoo artists out there yeah you know they can fix that up fuck yeah they can fix that up that tattoos you know I would obviously Brock Lesnar is cool I like the shit on his back. I like the demons on his back. Whoa. Look at the hooks. I think it works out. Bro, let me tell you something. Kill them all. That guy was such a freak. That guy won the UFC heavyweight championship.

I think it was his fourth fight. It's like an action figure. Jimmy Johns. Oh, yeah. That guy hits Jimmy Johns all the time. That's like some 3D bullshit, but that's really what he looks like. Yeah. Have you met him?

Fuck yeah. I've called a bunch of his fights. Oh, my God. He what he looks like. Yeah. Have you met him? Fuck yeah. I've called a bunch of his fights. Oh my God. He's a good guy. He's a real good guy. Really? Yeah, but let me tell you something, man. That motherfucker.

Wouldn't you like to see him bang a lady? That guy took the craziest chance that anybody ever took. Let's hear it. He was a WWE superstar making millions of dollars, throwing people around, being the fucking man, and he decided, I want to fight in the UFC. Do you know how many balls that takes? And to do it. His second fight in MMA, I believe, was his second fight in MMA.

The guy he tapped on. Was it Frank Mir? Frank Mir. Was that his second fight in MMA? Was that his first fight in the UFC? That was his first fight in the UFC, if I remember. I'm guessing yes. Okay, so that's his first fight in the UFC was with Frank Mir.

So I was there for Min-Nu-So, or Min-Soo Kim, rather, which was in Dynamite. I was there. I was in the audience. Eddie Bravo and I went to see that. That's the night where Hoist Gracie fought, too. They had it outside at the Coliseum. Min-Soo Kim. That's what he where hoist Gracie fought too. It was they had it outside at the Coliseum minsu Kim That's so he fights Frank Mir Frank Mir is the fucking former UFC heavyweight champion Wow, this is his first fight. You know how crazy that is he's fighting the UFC

He tapped us. I didn't have to no no no he had a tap. He got caught in kneebar. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, I thought it was just like he had never seen it before so that he dominates Heath Haring Who was one of the toughest guys to ever fight in MMA period. Heath Herring was a fucking animal. Tackled him. And just ran him over. And you got to see what a freak athlete Brock Lesnar is. Then he beats Randy fucking Couture in his fourth professional fight.

And then he beats the fuck out of Frank Mir in the rematch. And then he comes in and it was ruthless. Joe, get fired up. You have to watch that one. Make Joe bong a beer. Dude, you need to watch that one. He just beats his face to a bloody pulp.

Pull it up. It's a rough one. I prefer no pulp. It's a rough one. Look at him. It was a terrible scene. I got blood already on the ground. I mean it was friendly. It was a terrible like the was terrible scene Oh boy already on the ground. I love a UFC Get knocked out in echo shorts, right? So he's going for the knee bar again, but this time Brock knows the defense great head of hair on mirror

Oh, yeah, handsome fuck really good. And by the way when he was young one of the most fucking gifted fighters I've ever seen him really he has more submissions where of the most fucking gifted fighters I've ever seen in my life. Really? He has more submissions where he has arm breaks than anybody I've ever even heard of. Two fights in the UFC against world champions, and he broke their arms. Wow. Yeah. Hottest fighter, Carlos Condit. He's a very hot fighter. Best looking.

Very good. Well, Alan Joban. I don't know him. Alan Joban, pretty fucking good looking. Ryan Garcia? Legitimate model. Ryan, pretty fucking good looking. Ryan Garcia? Legitimate model. Ryan Garcia's a handsome fella. Ryan Garcia's a strong person.

Rube Rockhold. He's a hunk. Rube Rockhold's a hunk, too. I famously said the only reason anybody gets laid is because Rube Rockhold didn't show up first. There you go. How about his fight, dude? That was bad. That was fucking crazy.

That was amazing. The blood shit. It was amazing. How about when he rubbed the blood all over his face? Yeah, he rubbed it all over his face. Dude, for him to come back like that and fight Paulo Costa, Paulo Costa fit in his shape. He's hot, too.

He's built like an action figure. Both those guys, that was like best body, best looks. Two hot guys. Two of the hottest guys ever. Two hot guys. How many girls finger blasted themselves to that? Guilty. I wonder if women do jerk off to this.

If I was a girl and I was alone and I was at home and these two fucking animals were beating the shit out of each other, fuck yeah. What are women jerking off to? What else would you be waiting for? Come get this pussy after you're done. Who's the conqueror? Who's gonna take me? Yeah.

Is that how you would do it? Yeah, if I was a girl. That's my personality in a girl's body. If I was a girl, that's what I would be. How do you whack off as a guy? Just regular. I'm going to conquer you. No, I hold it in for a few days.

I try not to jerk off more than twice a week. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? Because then I appreciate it. I don't think that's it. That's not that. Twice a week?

That's not that. I'm a two-a-dayer. What? Yeah, especially on the road. I do it before the show. On the road, it's hard. On the't think that's that. That's not that. Whoa, twice a week? That's not that. I'm a two-a-dayer. What? Yeah, especially on the road. I do it on the back before the show. On the road it's hard.

On the road it's hard. It's a great stress reliever before a show. You got that right. It's honestly been shown to be that for performers. Really? That if performers can jerk off before a show, it alleviates a certain level of anxiety. Don't you get tired though? Definitely.

Don't you get lackadaisical on stage? I don't. No, but you know what? You gotta warm your body up. Yeah. You know, one of the things that I always do is I pace around. I get moving. I breathe a lot. I feel like if you just sit down and then get up and go on stage,

you're not ready to totally perform. Agreed. I always take fucking, I keep saying I'm gonna stop doing it and I take a nap before the fucking show. That's a big mistake. You're all foggy. You know what the biggest mistake is? Number one mistake, spaghetti. Don't do it.

Spaghetti and meatballs before a fucking show. You're done. You're a me. Me, I'm a guinea. Me, I'm a Mario. Bro, when I used to eat pasta all the time, I'm a gorger.

I would eat a giant plate of lasagna and just feel like I hit with a tranquilizer dart. And you're on stage like, do you guys want to do this? And when you're a broke comic, you get that free meal at the club. You can't stop eating it. You can't. Sit down, buffalo chicken bites. Yes.

Three Bud Lights. Go on stage. I used to book shows. Maybe I'll sit down for this one. I used to book shows at Dangerfield just so I could get a free cheeseburger. Yes. They had killer cheeseburgers at Dangerfield. That club was fucking perfect.

That was a cool club. Good looking room. The place is the best. I got there at the end, and that was one of the only clubs that would book me at first when I moved to New York. Me too. I would go there, and it would just be me and three fucking dudes I'd never heard of. Super old guys.

Old fucking dudes. Yeah. Weird guys that only work there. It was crazy. Long Island comics, right? And then you get in there, and there's four people in the room. Super old guys. Old fucking dudes. Yeah. Weird guys that only work there. It was crazy. Long Island comics, right? And then you get in there, and there's four people in the room. Oh, yeah. Four people.

And the piano takes up 98% of the stage. And it was still smoky. Dude, it was nuts. It was still perfect. It was so weird. Dangerfields was so weird. It's like, this shouldn't even be here. That room was perfect, though.

Time capsule. That was a cool room. I used to do prom shows there. Did you ever do prom shows? No. I did those at Carol. They were gone before. Oh, prom shows are madness. This is a cool room. I used to do prom shows there. Did you ever do prom shows? No, I did those at Carolina before. Prom shows are madness. This is how it works.

The show starts at like 4pm. Okay? And you have shows all night long. You get out of there at like 4am. They just keep pumping kids in there. And they don't tell anybody to leave. So they tell you, they want you to do your same set over and over again so the kids get bored and they leave. But the kids get on stage.

I watched a kid go on stage and take the mic from a comic and blow cigar smoke some big football player fuck some big 17 year old kid from Long Island yeah that's out there with a cigar and takes the fucking microphone from the common chaos hilarious the key is it just really one could a virgin and it would murder yeah that was my ace up my sleeve. Just destroy that kid's life. He is. He's a school shooter. It's like, look, I'm trying to do well.

I'm trying to do well for 10 minutes. I'm going to ruin your fucking high school. Oh, my God. They were little fucking animals. Animals. They had those teen tour ones at the Improv, where it was like summertime. They'd be on a teen tour, and they'd be like, hey, just so you know, it's a teen tour. That's hot.

They didn't tell me that until I got there. I was in the room. 14, 15-year-olds. And I go, I'm not going to change my act. I go, if you want these kids to go to a nightclub, I'm not going to change my act. Yeah, right? I'm not going to change my act. And they want it dirty.

Yeah, I got extra dirty. They love sex jokes. But if you want a weird sex move, they'd be like, I don't understand this. That's so irresponsible, though. The parents, do they know? What we're saying. Do they know? You're going to take them to the comedy store?

The comedy store did it, but the improv did it. Yeah. It must have been so fun as a kid, though. Oh, my God. It must have been the best thing ever. I know. Our prom sucked compared to that. We just got blacked out.

Same. It would have been fun to get fucked up and go to a comedy. What was the best thing? Imagine being in high school go to a comedy show. What was the best thing? Imagine being in high school and seeing a comedy show. What was the best thing that ever happened in high school? You go to the museum.

Go to the woods. Right, a field trip. Go to the woods. Get fucked up in the woods. That shit ruled. Yeah, but that was not in school. Oh, yeah. I mean, they took them there

for school. Yeah. It was like a part of this school project. Field trip, yeah. We got a party bus. Remember those? Ooh, nice.

Those were fun. That's awesome. I got blown on the bus. It was a big highlight of my school project. Field trip, yeah. We got a party bus. Remember those? Ooh, nice. Those were fun. That's awesome. I got blown on the bus. It was a big highlight of my life. What? In high school you got blown on the bus? Yeah. How?

That's fucking nice. I bought a date. Was everybody there? He was a good guy. No, you guys didn't do party buses? You got shit houses? No. I think we had a little.

In high school you guys got drunk on a bus? It was fun. Everybody was getting blown. Jerked off. It was good times. Yeah, we used to do like group jerk-offs and blows and fingers. Yeah. We did all this stuff.

Spanish sword fight. Yes. Did you guys jerk off with your friends? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. No. Sleepwear camp. What?

Never. That's a bonding experience. It was never even brought up in conversation. It was an option. See, that's the 70s. You had to tell everybody, like, it's great. Those were different times. They were different times. We bottled everything. And bossed them. Yeah, when's the 70s. You had to tell everybody, like, it's great. Those were different times. They were different times.

We bottled everything and bossed them. Yeah, when did people start jerking each other off? Jerk each other off? No, not each other. Come on, you can tell me more. You get a corner of the room, you know? Yeah, yeah. I take your side.

Do you look at each other eye to eye or never? It happens. It'll happen. I got a story about it. It's kind of long. Oh, hit me, baby. All right. So every year, me and my friends would go out to Notre Dame.

My dad would take us to the Notre Dame spring game. But my dad, he drinks a little bit. So he would occasionally get drunk and invite a guy from the Knights of Columbus to be like, you want to come to Notre Dame with me and my friend? But for real, we would rent a van and me and like 10 of my friends. So there's 10 of us. We're all in seventh grade. Wow.

And then my dad and like three other guys that are drunk dudes. So they take us to Notre Dame. Anyway, long story. We get in a hotel room. We're whacking off. Sure. But before we whack off, one of the guys my dad invited, he's this like old fucking dude. Uh-oh.

Blacked out at the bar and they had to take him home. Oh, God. So they take him home, throw him on the bed in one of the rooms we have, and then they go back to the bar. Then me and my friends are like, let's fuck with this guy a little bit. So we're slapping him, screaming in his face, shit like that. He's not waking up. He's not waking up.

Dude, we set an alarm clock next to his head and set it for a minute later and turned the lights off. Everybody hid. It's one of my happiest memories. That's great. I thought you were going to say you jerked off. But then. Oh, okay.

No, we didn't jerk off on him okay but we jerked off everybody whacked off while he was asleep this guy this guy missed out. This guy's... All around him like a fucking seance? Like a seance? It was. It was. Dude, he was asleep. A dude was next to him in the bed, and his body was shaking. Oh, no. Was it hard to get off with that old guy there?

I did. I guess he's seventh grade. Seventh grade, yeah. He's so teed up. Oh, my God. But then everybody comes. Everybody, well, you know. Yeah, we finished.

Some people might have faked it. Yeah. We get done. The room, by the way, the room stinks. It's bleachy up there. It's just BO and jizz from seventh graders. It's all that Capri Sun and Cheeto Jizz. And then my buddy goes,

alright, so as soon as we got done coming, everyone was like, alright, let's keep fucking with this old guy. Dude, my buddy shoved his hand in his ass. What? So he pulled his pants down. No! No, not like, look, pillow, it was just a crease.

It wasn't in the hole Sure It was a crease I get that He gave him a fucking Credit card swipe But that's what woke him up Dude he was like

Oh shit I'm telling you It's better than smelling salts The ass He woke up Puncture He woke up And he was

You kids got fucking problems What the fuck So we all ran out I was awake the whole time I saw everything If he woke up like Oh my god But He He kicked us out And then locked the door He was blacked out awake the whole time. I saw everything. If he woke up like... Oh my god.

He kicked us out and then locked the door. He was blacked out. He was shit-faced. Then he went back to sleep, but his pants were still down on his ankles. Porn's still on the TV. We go down to the front desk. We're in Mishawaka, Indiana. We go down to the front desk and ask the dude, can you let us back in?

Our uncle locked us out. He he was like, all right. Oh, nice. There's nine boys. There's seven boys. Like, can you let us back in? So he's like, all right. So he lets us in and opens the door. The smell. And then he opens the door, and there's an old man with his pants down asleep. And he's like, can you let us back in for more? All right, yeah, go ahead. He let us back in. Wow.

Oh, my God. What a night. Did you guys have the same story? Like, you ever talk in the future? Like, hey, if this comes up, maybe we all agree. Yeah, maybe we don't say it on the world's largest platform. So we didn't jerk off in front of each other. Shane, you're going to find an opportunity.

One of us is going to find an opportunity to get this word out there. The BO and jizz smell. I can smell it. I can smell it. I can smell it. This is pre-internet. You had to make your own fun. That was fun stuff. Dude, whacking off together was great.

It was great. I still have fond memories. I remember I made a kid taste it. I was like, I dare you to taste it. And he tasted his jizz. That's gay. We still call him Jizzy. Oh, my God.

Jizzy. I got Jizzy forever, right? Jizzy Gillespie. I mean, if you sip cum, you're fucking He didn't sip it, he just did one of these He tasted yours Taste your own

He tasted his own I thought he tasted your jizz That's what I thought too No, no, no I tasted my own I'm sure you have You have too I have never

Shut up Well, with that mustache I just leave it there for later. What is the stache? What's the... I shaved my beard and then left those. I like it. It looks good.

It's a solid stache. It looks good on you. It came in full. I didn't have to grow it in. Pull up a picture of Richard Petty. I'm telling you. Oh, yeah. Ari had a Hitler mustache for a little bit.

Yeah. Oh, that's fun. I lost a bet. I had to do it for a week in Myanmar. Hitler mustache. In Myanmar? In Myanmar, too. It was somebody's team won the Super Bowl. Not mine. Oh, that's fun. I lost a bet. I had to do it for a week in Myanmar. Hitler mustache. In Myanmar? Somebody's team won the Super Bowl.

Not mine. The bet was paid off. You would say in another country you had to do it? They didn't even know what the fuck Hitler was. It's the perfect place

to do it. Look at that. Come on. That's better than his. You got a fucking broom up there. It's a solid mustache, Ari. It's impressive.

It looks good. It looks good. It looks like a DA. That's quite a clit broom. There it is. There it is. Come on. His is much fuller.

Ari's is much more impressive. Way more full. You got a Nietzsche. The thing about mustaches, if I can see your lips through the mustache, I think you're a creep. Hey. Sorry. You got an Asian.

That's a mustache. That's a stache. The other thing is an attempt. That's a stache. The other thing is an attempt. That's a young Ari. When I can see too much face through the mustache, I get concerned. What are you doing? Why are you doing this stuff? Why are you doing that stuff?

It's not about you. We're having a good time. Now all of a sudden there's personal attacks. It's a little wispy. I think it looks good on you. Thank you, Joe. On you. Thank you. A lot of guys come pulled off. I tried to do the goatee once. Thank you Joe. Thank you.

I tried to do the goatee once. Oh boy. For one day I shaved it in my own house and everyone went out with it. I had a full beard. And then I said let me just see what it looks like I'll walk around the house. Every guy's done that. You do all the styles. If I could grow a beard I'd have a beard.

Oh you can't grow one? Is that Irish? Look at that. I don't know what the fuck it is. I can grow one that goes all the way up to my fucking cheeks. Yeah, same. Sicilian? Yeah, and as I get older, I keep getting hairier. It's like my ears are hairy now.

Yeah, that's the worst. The geezers with the fucking- They pop around my ears. I have to shave the outside of my ears. Yeah, me too. Can you transplant your ear hair to the top of your head? And my eyebrow hairs are longer than they've ever been before. Get those follicles

up there. My eyebrow hairs are oddly long. Yeah, one or two grow long, right? Right. Yeah, it's never happened to me. I let them go. Do you? I let them, yeah. Some people trim them. I see. I feel like that's too much work. Gotta make a wish on the long ones. I fold it up, then I hit it with the razor, with the electric.

Really? I let him go. Fuck it. Every barber I go to is like, you want to do your eyebrows? I'm like, no. He's like, no. You should. You should do yours like Vanilla Ice.

What does he do? You know, with the little shave marks. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Tattoo them underneath. Wait, Vanilla Ice was the first? No, he couldn't have been the first. Oh, yeah.

Well, he was very popular for doing it At a time where I think A lot of people were doing it I don't think he was The first guy When Honk was the first white Yeah He brought it to the world Yeah he had like

Stuff shaved On the side of his head Like you know Back when people I remember that That was cool They started doing that That was tough

Tough times The eyebrow thing Is a weird move Right Little swipes on the eyebrow Yeah It's pretty sick I don't even need

My whole eyebrow Where does that grow back to It's pretty sick That's a funny way to think about it. There it is. That's a look. That looks good.

But he's like Armenian or something. What does that mean? What are you, Turkish? Yeah, if you're too honky. Right. I like what she's doing there. That's an Asian boy.

That's a hot boy. I like what he's doing there. He's one of the K-pop boys. I like what they are doing there. Is that really a boy? That's a they. Don't bullshit me. Well, those K-pop kids. I think those are the K-pop boys. I like what they are doing there. Is that really a boy? That's a they. Don't bullshit me. I think that was one of the K-pop boys.

What the fuck is happening here? They're very blurry. What is this lady up to? Oh my god. I'm into it. Just do it. This is trickery. Oh, is that a boy too? I can't tell anymore. The one on the far right. The lines are blurry. Just say they. What are they doing? Have you ever seen those Asian makeup removal videos? So here's Vanilla Ice.

Yeah, so he really is. Yeah, look at that. Vanilla Ice is a fucking man. He was. It's crazy that he got huge. That's like 40% alopecia. Yeah, he's pretty cool. That's what he's doing.

He's showing 40% alopecia. He's like, if I had alopecia, I'd still be hot as fuck. His wife punched Tony Rook. Was he the first person to make Kissy Face? Oh, Duck Face. Oh, Duck. Look at him. Look at him duck facing.

Was it all from Vanilla Ice? Did we forget? Marilyn Monroe. But did she do it like that, like this? at him. Look at him duck facing. Was it all from Vanilla Ice? Did we forget? Marilyn Monroe. But did she do it like that, like this? No. I don't know. Was Vanilla Ice the first kissy face? He's fucking pouty.

He's pouty. He does a- Every picture. He had his pose down. He's a handsome dude. Handsome fella. It's funny, too, that he was just trying to be like, this is what black guys look like. That's what I was thinking.

You got to get the lips up. Did you ever see that? There was a book that they did. It was a photographic book with Madonna. And Madonna and him are in a lot of these photos. Really wild looking photos. Sure, they fucked. Where Madonna was like, she's a wild lady.

Oh, yeah. You see her lately? She's a wild lady. You see her lately? She looks fucking nuts. Pull her up. It's not her best. She looks nuts. She's still got a Pull her up. It's not her best. She looks nuts.

She's still got a body. No, she's a dude. Enjoy it. She's hanging on as long as she can, and she's doing as good as a 65-year-old woman has ever done. She's aging so gracefully. How old is she now? She's got to be 81. I see how regular 65-year-olds are beating her now.

Have you seen her lately? No. Pull her up. She's not out there. I'm not saying she's not nice. She seems to be doing things. Uh oh. She looks like, she put out a video she looked like wet. She made a deal

with the devil. Doing things to enhance her appearance. Let's see it. You know like, I remember one time I was really really really high and I was in the green room of I think it was Brea, and we're watching TV and Comedy Central's on,

and there's this video. Joan Rivers had a television show with her daughter. I remember being super high and watching Joan Rivers on TV going, holy shit. The filler stuff, it's so tight. Yeah. Like the filler stuff. It just. Wait, what? She looks hot as fuck.

That's Madonna on Instagram. She looks hot as fuck. That's Madonna on the left? That's what she looks like. Shut up. I'm not listening. She's truly better looking than me. When laid.

She actually looks great. She looks hot as fuck. She looks great. She looks hot as fuck. This is ridiculous. Okay. Even if she looks 50% as good as... Find the wet video.

Wait, look at that picture with her and Jimmy Fallon. Click on that one. Click on that one. That's got to be what she looks like. Oh, yeah. Well, you can see there's a lot of work. Bro, she doesn't look good. I mean, she doesn't look bad at all.

Yeah, I take that back. She doesn't look bad at all. She looks hot. For 65, but no one competes with J-Lo. I believe she's 60. I take it back. That's another 10, 15 years, though, dude. Yeah, I guess you're right. She looks hot as For 65, but no one competes with J-Lo. I believe she's 60. I take it back. That's another 10, 15 years, though, dude. Yeah, I guess you're right.

She looks hot as fuck. Yeah, she looks pretty good. I thought she was crazy. For the record, take it back. I think it's weird photos she takes. She takes a big man. She takes a lot of weird photos. Super heavy makeup.

You know, she's doing the sexy thing. Jamie, you fucked me on it. 64. You fucked me, Jamie. So she's doing the sexy. Show the crazy one. It's true, though. She's doing the sexy thing while she's older, and some people have a problem with that.

Yeah, it's gross. But why? Who gives a fuck? That's what she likes. It's like a baseball player. No more baseball. But I still like it. That's what they do.

She was sexy for her whole life. Yeah. Why should she stop now? That's as hot as you can get at 64. That's true. My dad's like 65. He should start. Imagine.

Imagine if your dad brought her home. You'd be like, fuck yeah, dad. Nice pull. like 65. He should start. Imagine. Imagine if your dad brought her home. You'd be like, fuck yeah, dad. Good point. Nice dad. We'd have a group whack-off. If that was your dad's new girlfriend, you know how fucking pumped you'd be if it wasn't Madonna. My mom's so fucking ugly, dude. Really? What a great stepmom. Pull her up.

Let's see her. Dad, how come you don't want fucking Madonna right now? I think you want an ugly mom, though. My mom's no prize either, and that's good. No, my mom's not ugly. That's not what I've seen. I've never seen your mom. Put the sunglasses back on.

What's wrong with you, dude? He's talking about his mom. I'm sorry. I assume your mom is not a hot lady. Why? Because of me? What the fuck? Mechanicsburg, you. I don't know.

I'm not knocking her, but we lost Ari already. Ari's got to pee. Ari's mom's got to be hideous. Go to the bathroom, right? Bathroom. Thank you. All right. No, it was unfortunate because my mom just, it was funny.

My mom in the group, in my family group text sent a picture from her 50th. She looked hot. Oh, can we see? Not hot, but she looked pretty. That's why she sent it. I looked like a fucking blimp. Right after I quit football and was just dying. Yeah.

I was fat, too. Delete these. What are you doing? In my college years. Plus, it's all booze. You're just a puffy dweeb. I quit football and still was eating like I was playing football. Oh, that's common.

And then drinking. Dude, I was 320 pounds. Whoa. Yeah, I was a fat kid. And my mom looks pretty. I was like, come on, Mom. Yeah. Knock it off.

Don't outshine me. Imagine if you release a Netflix special, okay, and then Netflix has like a big party, and Madonna shows up yeah and your dad's there and my dad's dad started chatting oh you're like oh my god and you realize your dad's about to fuck Madonna that's amazing I mean I would let my dad die to do that like if I knew I would love to see your dad talk to her like hey do you like the Eagles? If you're a 65-year-old man and that's your wife, you're fucking pumped.

Of course. Is she single? Just dim the lights a little. She looks great. She looks great? Yeah. I've always had a thing for her. She just oozes.

You want to know what's hilarious? When I was in high school, I was 17, I had a giant crush on her. Then I found out she was 26. I was like, oh my God, she's so old. That's funny. That's hilarious. I'm not going to fuck someone. Don't look up there.

Madonna, look at her dress. That's how she actually looks. Which one? On the right side. The one in the black dress with the sunglasses? Yes. That's her without getting ready. Without any filters.

That's a monster. No. Ari, you're 48, dude. You look like shit. I look a billion times better than that. Wow. She made a deal with the devil and it all fell apart all at once. She fucked Prince. Damn Yankees. There is a thing. Yeah, that's pretty cool. And Tupac.

Rodman. And Tupac. There's a thing that's weird about like a really attractive older woman that tries too hard and has a bunch of plastic surgery, and then you become kind of like almost a monster. Yeah. You're describing a few comedians. Yikes.

She is Italian. What's that supposed to mean? A lot of those ladies hang in there. Yeah, I guess Madonna is Italian. Yeah, yeah, big whop. So is Gaga. She's a huge guinea. I meant the name.

No, Gaga's Jewish. No. Yeah. Big Dago. You sure? Oh, yeah, big wop. So is Gaga. She's a huge guinea. I meant the name. No, Gaga's Jewish. No. Yeah. Big Dago. You sure? Oh, yeah. I thought she was Jewish. Pull her up.

What is Lady Gaga's real name? Her real name is like Guga Nanana Lasagna or something crazy. Look at that. Germanada. I'm way wrong. Stefani Germanada. You tried to claim him as one of yours. See what he did there?

You wish. I saw it. I would have guessed. She's on an old episode of a hidden camera show before Gaga. He's so ethnocentric. That's all he talks about. He tried to claim it as his own people. Stick with Barbra Streisand, you heeb. He dances around his house.

He tucks and he plays My Poker Face. I do tucks to that song. This lady Gaga. It's good music. Dance around just tucking. She's a talent. She's good music. Dance around, just talking. She's a talent. She's very talented. Yeah, she looked good.

House of Gucci? No, I didn't see that one. I saw it. It was pretty good. I like anything Ridley Scott does. I love Ridley Scott. Ridley Scott fucking rules. He's great.

He makes some great shit, man. Did he die? No, he's still alive. One of them died. I don't think Ridley Scott. Maybe I'm wrong. No, Ridley Scott's still alive. There's two died. I don't think Ridley Scott. Maybe I'm wrong. No, Ridley Scott still alive. Ridley Scott died.

There's two of them. There's Ridley and... Dennis Scott from The Magic? No, there's two Scotts. Ridley Scott and... Ah, one of them died. Ridley Scott. The first Alien movie?

I watched that again. So good. God damn, it's good. You know why? It's such a good movie. Nowhere to go. It pays. It's good pay.

Nowhere to go. Tony Scott. Tony Scott. Tony Scott. Thank's good. You know why? That's such a good movie. Nowhere to go. It had good pace. Nowhere to go. It's brother Tony Scott. Tony Scott. Did he die? Tony Scott, thank you. Did Tony Scott die? Yeah, he died in 2012. Thank you.

He directed Top Gun. What the hell are you talking about? You guys still didn't know. Ridley Scott just made House of Gucci. What's that about? Gucci? Well, no. I mean, we were talking about a movie that just came out.

I see. How was that? It was fine. I'm gay for a lot of those people that are in that. I like Adam Driver. I love Adam Driver. He's awesome. He's great.

He loves comedy. Does he? Loves comedy. Came to a few shows. Makes sense. Fucking killer actor. I was watching this one scene from some movie he played in about a dysfunctional relationship with him and the wife just screaming and yelling at each other.

Marriage story. Oh, my Jesus Christ. Incredible. Incredible. Powerful. It depressed me so much just watching the clip that I didn't want to watch the movie. I don't think I want to watch it. I don't need this in my life.

It's heavy. But his acting is insane. Insane. It's so good. My favorite moment of his when he took off that fucking Vader mask. Yeah. It's a stunning Semitic man. Oh, I don't want to see this.

I've walked into rooms like that. We've all been Yeah. It's a stunning Semitic man. Oh, I don't want to see this. I've walked into rooms like that. We've all been there. It's too good. It's too accurate. It's too accurate. We've all had that fight. It's so good that it's like, I can't get it up.

I want bullshit. Bullshit, man. I want to see the best people that have ever lived. I want to see them working their problems out amicably. I'm not looking for that. Don't show me what's next door. I don't want to see what I've already lived through. Exactly.

I don't want to see that. Show me a movie about a guy coming out of his ass. Now that's a Ridley Scott. That'd be a good Ridley Scott. That'd be great. That would be bad. The problem I have with movies like that is because that's an environment that you're you're living in for an hour and a half yes whether or not you admit it that we're all affected by our environment

and that's an environment you're choosing to live in a fucking suicidal depressed environment yeah for an hour and a half social media you can decide to do that if you want to do that but you got to understand what that is when you're sitting there in that thing and you're watching that film, and maybe it could be amazing and great, but you're absorbing the community of that thing that's being presented to you. That's art, baby. Yeah, and if you're a person that's surrounded by people that are fucked, you're probably fucked. Oh, yes.

That's the dirty secret of life. That's why I cried during Guardians of the Galaxy. I was surrounded by beautiful friendship, great music. I was on an airplane. Just got a little teary, dude. Oh, you know what's going to be a fun movie? In 20 years, they'll make a Hunter Biden movie. How about four years?

What if the Republican becomes president? That shit will 100%. Real rock and roll lifestyle movie. It's like, dude, this guy got after it. I mean, they made one about Bush. If Ron DeSantis becomes president, and then they get Quentin Tarantino to do a Hunter Biden movie. It's like, dude, this guy got after it. I mean, they made one about Bush. If Ron DeSantis becomes president, and then they get Quentin Tarantino to do a Hunter Biden movie.

Imagine if Quentin Tarantino decides that's his last movie. He's gonna do a Hunter Biden movie. Hunter Biden with a fucking briefcase filled with amphetamines. Just wandering through the airport somewhere, telling everybody who his dad is.ines. Just wandering through the airport somewhere telling everybody who his dad is. Just doing wild shit with street hookers

in Vietnam smoking crack. On a board in Ukraine? Making millions. We gotta get rid of Ukraine. We gotta fund this movie. This will be killer. How about Ukraine? How are they doing? How are they doing? They keep fighting it.

We keep giving them money. They just made a Hunter Biden movie. Did you see this trailer? Oh, is this Daily Wire? Yeah. Of course. I know it's Daily Wire. Oh, they already made this? Yeah. That trailer looks kind of crazy. That guy looks a little bit like Joe, dude.

Where the hell are we? They got a fat guy to play Biden. They're on that cheap-ass Republican agency. They can't get cheap-ass Republican agency. They can't get the real talent agents. If you've got a fat guy playing Biden, they're not getting

the best. Standard Hollywood is not going to work with them. No. So by the time it gets to the Daily Wire, the problem is that ecosystem. You have to be left-wing. If you to be left-wing if you're not left-wing And you're in that Hollywood ecosystem you have to keep your fucking mouth shut you can't do a move

You're like I just as a role yeah, and they're like now you're out So if someone wanted to go and work for the Daily Wire and then people found out they're working for the Daily Wire I guarantee Yeah, you're gonna be a problem with it lose out on the fucking libs. The super libs who are all in in the cult, they would not want anyone around them that has any... Mel Gibson? Yes. Mel's back, dude. Who's Mel?

Mel Gibson. Oh, yeah, you know. He came for you. He would knock you the fuck out. He made some good points, though. Mel Gibson would fuck you up, Ari. You think so? Definitely. After what you guys did? Braveheart went a long way. Oh, Breitbart made it.

Kind of the same. Same, same, but different. You know they killed Breitbart? Andrew Breitbart? They hit him with a little heart attack gun? Oh, really? Who did that to him? I don't know. Interesting.

Is that real? But the Daily Wire, can't they get a thin Biden? Get Alan Harkin or something. Yeah, there's a lot of thin old people. No, but they won't work for him. I want to apologize to the Daily Wire. I feel like I was out of line and suggested it was them. Because Breitbart would probably have even worse casting agents.

That's down the line. Breitbart would have the worst casting agents. Breitbart would be the worst. That's worse. Because Daily Wire has Jordan Peterson, has like a lot of people. Daily Wire made a movie Center Right. I got Daily Wire to watch a movie. They made a school shooting movie.

Whoa. Nice. Yeah. It's kind of like one of those movies where the good guy has the gun. Jason States. Even they gated up. No, there's a bunch of school shooters come in and start shooting and then a girl. Of course they make it a goddamn girl. Dude, they had this run-high fight.

So they had this podcast conference. Check this out. Are there female shooters? They had a... No. No, there was one. It's like the WNBA. There was one.

No shot. Tony Inschliff used to have a bit about it. Oh, okay. So they have this podcast conference, and they have a bunch of booths, right? So Daily Wire takes out a booth. And Ben Shapiro goes. Oh, okay. about the harm that that did. How they were not aware. The people who ran this podcast thing, the harm in bringing in Ben Shapiro that was very damaging to people. What's harmful about Ben Shapiro? Bringing him in.

He's like, well, okay. Okay. There was danger to it or something. I forget the words they used, but it was one of those things where you read and you're like, what are you saying? They just apologize to people so they keep doing their business. Yeah, but here's the thing. They have some of the top podcasts

in the country. Oh, yeah. So it makes sense that they would be there. Hi, folks, we owe you an apology before sessions kick off for the day. Yesterday afternoon, Ben Shapiro briefly visited the PM22 Expo area near the Daily Wire booth. Though he was not registered or expected, we take full responsibility for the harm.

But he's one of the owners of the Daily Wire. By the harm done by his presence. Registered or expected. He was there. He was one of the co-founders. Yeah, there it is. There's no way around it. We agreed to sell the Daily Wire, a first-time booth, based on the company's large presence in podcasting, which it should be.

That's what you're representing. The weight of that decision is now painfully clear. Shapiro is a co-founder, a drop-in, however unlikely, should have been considered a possibility. Those of you who call this unacceptable in quotes are right. He's the least threatening guy on the planet. You could just spit in his face and he'd take it. In nine wonderful years growing and celebrating this medium, PM has made mistakes. The pain caused by this one will always stick with us.

We promise that sponsors will be more carefully considered moving forward. Oh, we're fucked. Folks, people are in a cult. They're in a cult. We are fucked. They're in a cult. You can't entertain any views that are different than yours. You can't allow people... Especially Ben Shapiro. He briefly

stopped by. He's 5'8". We'll live with this for the rest of our lives. It's just conversations. It's like people8". We'll live with this for the rest of our lives. It's just conversations. It's like people have opinions on one side and people have opinions on the other side. But all they're doing is having conversations. Yeah. Do you have video of him?

A fucking podcast. Stopping by. What if he started? Hey, hi, everybody. It's him. How's everybody doing? People are like, oh, it's so painful. Painfully clear.

Hi. It's all the people taking photos with him. It's a pleasure to meet you as well. Thank you. Listen, the way to handle people that you disagree with is to fucking debate them. Where's Mel Gibson when you need him, dude? He would give Shapiro a knuckle sandwich. They should have conversations with him publicly.

He's got a nice suit. But this is bullshit. Like, to say that it was a bad idea to let that guy there is crazy. Of course it's a good idea. It doesn't mean you agree with everything he says. You have a hundred fucking booths there. How could you agree with everybody? But you don't think they're actually saying that.

I think they're just under pressure of like, fuck you, fuck you. Okay, I'll tell you everything I think you want me to say. Listen, most people have never experienced anything remotely like what you've experienced when people are mad at you. Imagine that. Imagine putting that. If you're not ready for it. Imagine putting that on a person who's experienced nothing.

Except like everyone at this table. Yeah, everyone at this table. But you think about us. For the first time, we're like, whoa. For someone who's not even an entertainer and doesn't know what that feels like, and all of a sudden this person gets dragged into it like what do I have to do stop this? Fire yeah, yeah, yeah, say anything good boy and also in that world. That's how you talk That's why it's like a cult like there's like there's lines that you have to stay inside of it's like

She goes I use the word special. I know this is deeply offensive bad. Yeah, not even just a bit offensive We're in a cult folks. There's no more just like, guys, it was a little bit off. There's a mind virus cult that took over half the fucking country. Just don't apologize. Keep going. Yeah. Just ignore it. It's not good for anybody if you apologize and go into that.

If you become one of those people that get sucked into that world of not being able to say anything. Yeah. Yeah, it's scary. Hi, Jamie. If you get sucked into that world of not being able to say anything. Yeah, it's scary. Hi, Jamie. If you get sucked into that world, man. I can't believe they got Lizzo. She apologized for saying spaz as well.

She said spaz? Yeah, she said it before Beyonce. And in the articles it says spaz, which, by the way, they have to take both sides to it, which, by the way, is part of black culture. It means to fight. Is that right? They can't be like, it is wrong, because then that's pissing off black culture. That's funny. That's a good move.

I'm going to piss. Let's change subjects. Back to movies. Let me say, did you see what Matt Damon said about the state of movies? What did he say? It was fascinating. Why movies suck now. What did he say?

We all think it's because of this, because of that. It's because of DVD sales. What do you mean? DVDs aren't a thing anymore. So they used to make movies, and if the movie didn't kill it at the box office, you made a ton of money on DVDs later. Interesting. But now they don't have that, so they can't risk making a non-theater movie.

Right, they can't get a cult hit later. Yes. There's no later. Like Swingers and Pulp Fiction and all these movies. Office Space was all DVD. What's the one with the- People found out about it, word of mouth. Isn't it amazing how good word of mouth was?

It was the old viral. What's the one Tarantino wrote but didn't direct? The Thieves of War Dogs? No, before that. True Romance. True Romance. What did they do before TV? True Romance is so fucking good.

It's a really good movie So good It's so fucking good That eggplant speech was one of the greatest acting scenes That was amazing There's just so many good scenes in that fucking movie man But you can't make a movie But back then

To make a movie like that back then To do Reservoir Dogs back then Was like revolutionary Huge Like what is this wild shit? But just in 1994 we had Forrest Gump, Pulp Fiction, Lion King,

Saving Private Ryan. I just put Lion King in there. That's a great movie. It's a classic but yeah. That's a good movie. None of the lions have dicks. That's a cartoon there. Have you seen the new one?

That's his problem with it. The new one? That's so great. No lion dicks. That's some holes in, Joe. Have you seen the new one? That's his problem with it. The new one? That's so great. No lion dicks. That's holding the story. They have the new one. None of the lions have dicks. But kids have seen lions with dicks in the zoo.

I would love to see a cartoon with dicks. I've never seen a lion dick. It bothers me. Look at that. Lion King was number one. Forrest Gump. True lies. True lies.

Speed. Yeah, speed. The mask. The mask was great. Maverick was good. This is one year. The crow. Forrest Gump. True Lies. True Lies. Speed. Yeah, Speed. The Mask. The Mask was great. Maverick was good. This is one year. The Crow. Movies were awesome.

Yeah, man. Little Rascal. Beverly Hill Cop 3. What is Wolf? Is that that Jack Nicholson? Jack Nicholson. Werewolf movie. That was so dumb.

That was bad. Natural Born Killers was that year. That was a Tarantino. Wow, Natural Born Killers was that year, too? Wait, or was it the year before and it just made that later? Oh, In the Army Now was probably summer,

August 26th. Wow, that's amazing. In the Army Now, The Cowboy Ray, Little Big League. But still, I mean,

the 90s killed it and then it all just went to shit. My movie. Well, that's, Martin Lawrence, You So Crazy,

number 43 ever. That's made 7 million. That's incredible. Oh, all these are great. Is this DVD sales or is this theater? Box office. Wow. Some of those are left over from the year before.

94, I was 11 years old. Lived at the theater. 94 is when I first moved to Hollywood. Whoa, that must have been a different time. A lot of blow. Weird. Sunset Boulevard. It was just weird. It's a completely different. A lot of blow. So weird. Sunset Boulevard. It was just weird.

Like, it's a completely different environment than it is now. Totally different. Once the internet came along, like, everything got weird. Everybody was a star, right? Instead of, like, everyone trying to be a star. Well, it was that, and it was also, like, there's something that changed in culture with the preoccupation of other people's opinions and tweeting and... Yeah.

Like, there's, like, there's a less... There's less social. But there's less... There's a lot of content, but there's less of these, like, the Black Keys kind of dudes.

Right, right, right. Real artists. Cheers. Where what they're doing is like, fuck yeah. Cheers, gentlemen. Mazel tov. Praise Allah.

Oh, there you go. Hi, Chrisah oh there you go all right it's good to see you still sitting upright some in some time in some ways it's harder to like create like real shit because there's like so much there's there's so much um benefit in creating something that someone would like and it doesn't doesn't it make it seem like it's the easiest time to make something yes real yeah yeah well easy and hard like you're gonna face repercussions like we all like. Doesn't it make it seem like it's the easiest time to make something real? Yes. Yeah. Well, easy and hard. You're going to face repercussions like we all have. And attention spans are shittier.

Are they? Dude, this podcast is three fucking hours long. You should have to say, like, I'm not going just for likes. I'm going for, like, what I want to put out and enough people will see it. Yeah, but go for what you think. Like, if I'm not, I don't have a short attention span, so I just assume other people don't either. Right.

And I think if you don't, they don't either. I think if you're engaging, they stay engaged. When I was thinking. If you're really thinking about stuff. There's also not one interview show that's authentic. You know, you watch Jimmy Fallon, he's like, ah! They can't be. Oh, my God!

You know? They can't be. It's crazy because they're in competition with people like us that are. Right. We can do whatever the fuck we want when I started this not happening They were like we found that videos work best over two minutes or less and I'm like I'm going like 25 minutes on these Like whatever it goes to millions of views yeah Yeah, but I don't know how much I hate all that fucking like you need Fucking captions put out clips. I mean I'm not saying this is not my

You don't you don't have to do it don't need to you don't need to but you could want to and and captions, put out clips. I mean, I'm not saying... It's like this is not my... It's a nightmare. It's a standard aesthetic. You don't need to. You don't have to do it. You don't need to. You don't need to, but you could want to. And if you want to do that, like, Schultz loves to do that shit. He loves it, and he's really good at it. He's good at it. I'm not knocking Schultz at all.

No, I know you're not. I know you're not, but it's not me either. I don't do it either. Couldn't my title seem lame? It's like the something, something, best something, something of all time. It's like, ugh, I don't want to do that. Yeah, it's weird. I don't care if it'll help the video. The problem with time. It's like, ugh, I don't want to do that. Yeah, it's weird.

The problem with that is it's like what you're selling is authenticity. That's what you're selling. That's what we're all selling. If you're not authentic and you're just bullshitting, then why? Why are you doing that? Now I don't like you anymore. Now you're not fun anymore. So just for that one thing, if you do that one thing and you're not authentic.

What are you doing? Don't you want to do what you want to do yeah I get trapped and then yes if you're a guy say you're the host of the fucking Ari Shaffir show on CBS yeah it's killing like the Ari Shaffir show you have you imagine if Ari was successful shitty he would be oh my god I would cut him out, bring him back in just to cut him out again. You would have a trans band leader. Trans band leader. I would go full heel. You'd have to go full the other way. You'd be full woke heel.

Oh, that's the heel. Full woke. That'd be pretty fun against the other way. Comics have done it before. They get on a TV show and they go fucking woke. Guys are like hardcore guys. Get a sweater. All of a sudden they get woke and they get weird. Who knows? Yeah, it's happened before.

So imagine, you're living in a fucking dope house in Beverly Hills. It's nice, dude. It's fucking nice. You got a sick view, a big ass fucking yard. And your friend comes over and says the N-word.

You got a Bentley. Yeah, your friend's in trouble. He's like, get out of here, motherfucker. You just cut him out of your life forever. Cut him out of your life. Forever. Why?

Cut him out. Just cut him out. And I need you to write jokes about people who don't get vaccinated. We're going to open with those Friday night. Yeah. Well, you go. Let's open with those jokes about people skeptical of the pharmaceutical companies. Let's try to change the fabric of culture.

You go with the likes are. That's what people do. Just follow the likes. Well, they follow what's going to help their career. The thing is, what helps their career is to be deeper entwined with the system that's dying, right? And what helps our career is to be authentic. Go against it. Yeah, but just to be authentic.

Right, be authentic. You don't have to go against it. You don't have to go against it. There's a lot of stuff on regular TV I love. Yeah. I'm not against regular TV. If that's what you're into. The problem is the system itself stops people in their tracks before they get to have a true expression of what they want to put out there.

The only way you can put out what you want to put out is if you put it out by yourself. And if nobody tells you what to do. Killing in Kiev season two. It's coming up. There it is. That's exactly it. Killing in Kiev is one of the best examples out there on the internet. That fucking Trump speed dating shit is hilarious.

You guys have a ton of sketches that are fantastic you know I read one of the quotes under the YouTube that I fucking 100% agree with they said this is better than anything you're gonna see on sketch television and regular TV yeah and it's a fucking hundred percent true you they couldn't do it no one would allow them to go for it the way you guys go for it. The one with the dad who has the only fans account? Dude, that shit is brilliant. It's fucking brilliant. I like Uncle Daycare. That was my favorite.

Oh, that's a great one. Kylo is the lady. He's the lady uncle. Yeah. That's the bittersweet of the internet. I heard she was driving Pope crazy. It's fucking brilliant. It's not bittersweet.

It's mostly bitter. Tommy Pope. I mean, mostly sweet. But we think of the bitter because the bitter hurts the most. Well, you get the backlash. You know, we're comics. We focus on the guy in the front row not laughing with his arms crossed. It is funny, though, but when we started, there was no option to be like, hey, do what

you want your way. You know, like, well, that's not really – I'll do as close as I can with the let me. Right. And now it's like you can – Yeah, I was always as close as you can get you can still make rent money just do it I was supposed to promote that it's Gillian Keeves dot TV there you go there you go don't be yeah and I think it'll be out in September so people just find whatever everybody can Google yeah yeah they can't figure out how to get there do you really want them going oh out to

lunch on your time oh it's called Gillian Keys. How do I find it? I don't know. Google that. I don't know. I just look around. I try to find it and I don't see it anywhere. Isn't that how you put a clip

on Instagram? You're like, this is funny. When are you going to be in Toronto? It's the most annoying. It's all on my website. Go to the website.

I got a spoon feed every queef out there. Every DM I get is like, when are you coming to Toronto? I got two shows in a week in Toronto. Are you even allowed to fly in there unless you're vaccinated?

Dude, yeah, you're allowed to. Enter your email below. Oh, nice. Are you allowed to fly in again now? Nice. Thanks, Jamie. There you go. Enter your email below for access to Gillian Key's Boobers.

We should have the whole next season up soon, September. I love it. End of September. See, that's a thing that a regular network could never do. The other thing, we talk about it all the time, but it's true. Kyle Dunnegan. That's a bodega cat. Kyle Dunnegan and Kurt Metzger.

They could never fucking do those things that they do. They couldn't do them. It'd be physically impossible. How good is this Pelosi? You got a good Pelosi. This Pelosi's amazing. You got a good Pelosi. You got a good Pelosi.

Let me hear Pelosi. I have to think about it. Let's just drunk bars. I have to think about it. Let's just drunk bars. Let's just talk about it. What, entire trading on Vancouver? Dude, we should play Heads Up. Of course not. Heads Up.

I always see people do impressions. We were talking about Heads Up earlier. Heads Up. Have you ever played it? Have you guys seen Jamie Foxx's Trump? It's incredible. I got tagged in that 9,000 times. It's the only Trump I've ever heard that's better than yours.

Oh. It's better? Well, black people are better at things things this is a challenge. It's really better Jamie Foxx He's a black guy black guys, they're okay pretty good They're okay. Pretty good. I'm not going to do it. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I can't read this.

I'm not doing it. Dude, some people are way better at the conversational Trump. I can't do that. What are you going to do in 2024, Mr. Trump? You haven't announced you're running again. I haven't announced it. The crooked FBI, they went into my house. Not good.

They didn't find anything. I don't have anything. Boy, people are on the fence now. There's like pro and con anti-FBI people with no information whatsoever. Fucking no information whatsoever. Pro or con FBI. Here's my favorite part, is the same people,

so now the left keeps tweeting, oh, now all of a sudden the right's anti-police? But then it's like, the people on the right, they get to tweet, oh, all of a sudden the left's pro-police? Pro-police, yeah. They do this every single fucking time. They're the same people. They do it every fucking time.

They're mirror-flipped. They just use whatever they want to get ahead. They have no real beliefs. Anyone political is fucking sucks. They do it every time. When Trump won, they all said the election's rigged. It's a rigged election. And then when Trump won, oh, the election's rigged.

Just accept it. I mean, it's crazy. So yeah, when Trump won, the left was like, he was a Russian spy. Right. This is bullshit. He shouldn't have won. That was Russian. When Biden won.

When Biden wins, they're like, shut up. The results are in. Exactly. And then the right's like, this was bullshit. They're the same. They're the exact same people. And then the people like us just looking at all of them going like, oh, I want to make fun of all of you. I do make fun of all of them.

You got to stay in the middle and observe. You guys are all hypocrites. I agree with more people on the left than I do on the right on most things, but I still think they're the most ridiculous. I like the left except gay rights. You're a little too liberal with that. Says the guy with the mustache. I just shut the fuck up. Mr. Trump, how do you feel about gay rights?

I like it, but they're going a little overboard with the dancing. A lot of dancing. I don't know about that. Trump, go on Matt and Shane's. Please. Trump. Would that be amazing? What would Trump drink?

You get Trump on your show? Trump doesn't drink, dude. At all. Damn. You'd have chicken for him. We'd get some McDonald's and amphetamines for the boy. Imagine if that's the first time he drinks is on your show. Heard about it.

I'll try it. Imagine his Twitter drunk. Mr. Trump His drunk Twitter His Twitter Before was insane But his His drunk Twitter

Would be bananas It would be meaningful It would be like Check out the sunset Oh my god Yeah true Right tones down a little bit He would just get like

Kind of like Could you fucking imagine Drunk Trump Oh man That's a character Yep Gillian Keys Write it We fucked that up That was a character. Yep. Gillian Keys, right?

We fucked that up. That was a layup. We didn't even think of that. You just think, well, just do it now. Just do it now. Yeah, just do it. Do it now. Season three.

Drunk Trump would be fucking amazing. Yeah, his wife died. He has a drink to get over it. Did I talk about this last time when I went to Mar-a-Lago? And you saw him? I saw the king, dude. I went to Mar-a-Lago. Wait, wait. I was in Mar-a-Lago. Wait, wait.

I was in Mar-a-Lago. What? It was me and like 10 people. It was just a regular day at Mar-a-Lago. Like a field trip? No, I got in there. I'm not going to name names. You went to Mar-a-Lago to meet Trump specifically?

I went to Mar-a-Lago because I was doing Palm Beach improv. Yep. And some people that work there or work on the staff or whatever, they're fans. They showed up, came to the show, they were like, do you want to go to Mar-a-Lago tomorrow? And I was like... Talking to the right guy.

I was like... That shit was so nice. Was it pretty? Yeah, look at it. It's beautiful. Oh, it's fantastic. Dude, the only people there are 70-year-old billionaires. Yeah, it's not margarita. And they all wear MAGA hats, dude.

Sure. But not just regular red MAGA hats. Can we get a membership? Can we get a membership? It's $200,000 a year. Listen to this. Yes. Listen to this.

What if we built a podcast studio at Mar-a-Lago? Please. What if we have a conversation with Donald and we go, we don't want to be affiliated with you in any way, sir. In any way. We would just like to rent some space on your property and put together a podcast studio. Can we do this next one from Mar-a-Lago? Once every couple months, we will do Protect Our Parks from Mar-a-Lago.

And we can do a live show. Bro. And we can do a show at Palm Beach. Yeah. Imagine if we never even addressed it. Never addressed it. Like, everybody knows that we moved our studio to Mar-a-Lago for only to protect our parks. It looks like a park.

And behind us, it'd be like fucking park ranger hats and shit and pine trees. That's the set. Can we? For real. Can we do that? You have no idea how much I would donate whatever money for the membership. We never talk about it. And then if it gets brought up in interviews, we can't disclose.

Dude, there's a gold-plated constitution. A gold-plated constitution? I think it was the constitution. Dude, that's the main room. Wow. So grand. Jesus Christ. Jesus.

It's small, though. It's small. It's smaller than you think. Shut up. No, I mean that. Whatever. Look how beautiful it is. Wow. You know who's doing stand-up smaller than you think. Shut up. No, I mean that. This is like the main rooms. Wow.

You know who's doing stand-up now is Don Jr. Really? He's doing stand-up. No. Yeah, he was just at Palm Beach. Here's my thought on that building. Like, look at that. Can I see that image again?

Oh. Now, if this was in the home of a professor, people would think this is magnificent. Yep. People would think this is magnificent If this is a guy This genius man who wrote books On gene therapy And whatever And just fucking published works And made millions of dollars somehow And this was his home

You'd be like what an opulent home But you look at it and you know it's Trump's You're like this crazy fuck It's a resort But he lives on a wing It's his fucking, but he lives on a wing. Okay. It's his fucking house. But it's his house. It's his house.

He has people live in his house. It's a resort. His house is a fucking resort. Jamie, Kodak. It's the mansion. Look at that. Kodak Black at Mar-a-Lago. Look at this place.

Shout out Kodak Black, dude. Bro, he's balling out of control. This is what you're supposed to do when you're a 78-year-old billionaire. You're supposed to be balling out of control. This is what you're supposed to do when you're a 78-year-old billionaire. You're supposed to be balling out of control. Live on a resort where everybody knows it's yours, so the only people that come are people who love you. So it's all these, thank you for the tax cut, Mr. Trump. He controls the music.

You were doing the right thing with China. Really? You were doing the right thing. Was he? I don't know. They all cheers. Maybe. How about he controls the music thing! Was he? I don't know. How about he controls the music? Of course he does.

What kind of music is it? Number one is YMCA. That's his number one choice. He loves that song. Does he really? Yeah, it gets the people going, dude. He knows. It is catchy.

Didn't he go out dancing to it once? Yeah, I think so. There was something. Was that what it was? He had that bad dance. Wasn't there a video of him dancing to a song and the people who made the song objected to it? Oh, yeah. Wasn't there something? I know there was.

They do that a lot. Oh, we're not going to take it. And then Dee Snider. Kodak Black chills, dude. Who's Kodak Black? He's the man he's a rapper. There he is with Rudy Giuliani Oh wow. I think Trump

pardoned Kodak Really? And A$AP Rocky That's a good move. If I was Trump I would go yeah that's a good move. Rappers love Trump Yeah that's a good move if you can pardon love Trump. Yeah, that's a good move. If you can pardon.

Yeah, they're millionaires. Yeah, he lives like they rap about. Just say boys. Just settle down. I know you're young and you're making billions. Yeah. I've done this before. I've been in this business.

Guys. What would he say to them? You're black. You see the Kanye doc? Ah, shit. Kodak Black, what a great guy. The Kanye doc when he's watching Tucker Carlson. Dapping him up. They're dapping.

He daps people. Oh, he's got a fat white lady. What's he's limp for? Probably hurt himself. You got a fat white lady that's a cane? hurt himself? Did he get a fat white lady's a cane? That's baller.

That's baller shit. Oh my God. Hey, Stacy, come help me walk. Yeah. Fuck a cane. Get me a sturdy gal. Oh my God,

that's so ridiculous. That was wild. I was like, that was the first time I've been like, for real, like, oh shit, there he is. Wow. Like, he was just, he was from us to Jamie, just standing there, and I was like, oh shit, oh shit. If he did your podcast, they'd take it off of YouTube. That already happened with the Nelk Boys. Yeah.

They did a podcast with him, and they took it off YouTube. What was the justification they used? They're trying to keep him off of YouTube. How do they get these guests, these kids? They're like young, hip little kids. They're kind of right wing though, right? Yeah. I don't know if they are or not.

I don't know what their political affiliation is. I take that back. I don't want to be. They're like wild guys who drink a lot. So are we. Yeah, but I don't think they say anything disparaging about Trump. I think I have. I definitely have.

I think I've said a lot of things. I think I'm my special. I was like, it'd be funny if he got shot. Oh, my God. That's a funny bit. Good point. Good point. But I don't think he's tallying up all that shit when he books a podcast.

No, I don't think so either. He's not an idiot. He'd be like, I get what you're saying. It's funny. Yeah, I think, like, we talked to Jeff Ross when he roasted Trump and, like, had a conversation. One of them said Trump was laughing at jokes. Before, he was, like, known as a villain. Dude, did you ever see that Stern clip of him and Artie Lang?

No. So good. He was so funny on Stern. He's talking about how good Artie Lang was and how funny he was. And then they were like, but didn't he make fun of you at the thing? And he's like, he was the biggest loser there. Everybody thought he was a bum they were like but but didn't he make fun of you with the thing he's like he was the biggest loser there everybody thought he was a bum his best on Stern was in there showing models like mmm lips or two no I'm not feeling it he knew the joke yeah I love Artie Lang. That guy's underrated. He's the Salmon Rushdie of comedy because he can't die.

Oof. Damn, that's that one. Pretty wild. Jesus. Salmon Rushdie. Where are you going with that one? I'm saying Artie Lang's the man. I love Artie.

He will not die. He won't die. He's beating everybody. No, my woof was what happened to Rushdie. Oh, Rushdie. He lost an eye. Like Bisping. I'm sure that crowd was like, ha ha, wait a minute, this is serious. Yeah, this isn't a bit. No, Rushdie. He lost an eye, like Bisping. I'm sure that crowd was like, ha-ha, wait a minute, this is serious.

Yeah, this isn't a bit. No, Rushdie's a tough guy. Yeah, that's pretty crazy. Has he lost an eye? Is that official? They stabbed him in it. Oh, yeah. They stabbed him in the eye?

In the eye. He just kept stabbing him. Well, not just in the eye, but... He got a lot of them all over. You could stab him in the eye a couple times, you're dead. Oh, my God. He's a tough, tough dude. Jesus Christ. He's not going to... Dude, Oh, my God. He's a tough dude.

He's not going to. Dude, that sucks, Dick. He wrote that one book. One book. And then they were like, we're killing you. I remember when he came out of hiding and it was like, oh, is it over? But I guess not forever. Nah. The fatwa.

Yeah, the fatwa was lifted. No. How did he come out of hiding then? And the kid was like 23 who stabbed him. There's a big bounty on his head. Rushdie. I'm listening to a book right him. There's a big bounty on his head. Rushdie. I'm listening to a book right now. It's called Black Flags.

You ever hear that? No. God hates flags. It's sick. It's about ISIS. Oh, really? It's fucking wild, dude. Those are...

Boy, we fucked up Iraq. We did? Yeah. My driver. They got some problems, too. My driver in the way here was from Iraq. No, we fucked up so bad, dude. Just full on. Everybody in the Middle East was like,. No, we fucked up so bad, dude. Just full on. Everybody

in the Middle East was like, don't do that. Make sure you don't do that. We banned the United States got rid of the Ba'ath Party. We took over Iraq and we're like, anybody that was in Saddam's party is out. You can't have a job. But the problem was everybody was in Saddam's party. Everybody who had a position.

Wait a minute. This is our fault? The head surgeon, you're out. Iraq? ISIS is our fault. ISIS is our fault? The head surgeon, like, you're out. Iraq? ISIS is our fault. ISIS is our fault? I mean, not entirely, but yes. Whoa, I didn't know that. I just thought they hated us. Really? You thought they hated baseball?

Yeah, I thought they just hated Americans. They hate us for our freedom. ISIS hates baseball. That's what they're all about. They got tits and gays. They do hate us. No, no, no. Women doing stuff, driving.

No, they get to say, like, that's sinful, but for real, no. Oh, I know. I'm in the dark here. Wait, they have no problem with us? I think they have a problem, but like- They definitely have a problem. Yeah. But we still created them.

We allowed them to do that. Just by doing that- We created the vacuum. Just by outlawing people from the- Not only that, I don't think they understood the repercussions of the Shia versus the Sunni Muslims going at each other in what's essentially a civil war. That's crazy. We didn't think that Muslim sex hated each other to the point where they go to war with

each other. That's wild shit, man. Right, yeah. Dude, they think that the United States invasion of Iraq not only was one of the worst decisions ever in terms of human life, they think. They think that like a million people died that wouldn't have died. Yeah. Yikes.

And what is it? It still sucks. Yeah. If you go there right now, is it better? No, my driver was from Iraq. I was like, how is it? He goes, it's bad. I'm like, is that just certain regions?

He goes, no, it's pretty much everywhere. It's just really bad. It's bad. Really? Dude, there are parts of the world that I really wish people would either know about or visit. Yeah, man.

Before they... Yeah. Before they even think... Yeah, man. Think about what you think the world is. Oh, man. If you think about what you think the world is, you think the world is fucking Santa Monica. That's not the goddamn world.

The world's not Brooklyn. The world is weird. Yeah. The world is weird and it's like bubbling all around us. We're like the center of cheese that hasn't been fucking cooked by the heat yet. All the outside edges are all crispy and fucked up and starting to get to the center. That's us. That's America.

Well, why can't they chill out? Well, they need resources. Yeah. I went to Egypt right after there was some terrorist attacks. So tourism is way down and there was like a desperation in the air where they're like, we're about to get violent. Really? We're all lost our lives.

Fucking COVID was brutal for places that were like vacation spots. Imagine vacation, like Hawaii got brutalized by COVID. Really? Yeah, it's terrible for them. It's all tourism. It's all tourism. That's all their money. They fucking love the tourists. They love the tourist money. They just don't

like rude asshole Americans. We say, oh, they don't like us. No, it's not us. You get fucking drunk and you say stupid shit. You're from a fucking island, faggot. Yeah, exactly. Disrespectfully, you're visiting their culture, man. They're some of the nicest fucking people alive.

Really? Hawaiians are amazing. First off, everybody's nice. America, every single country is off, everybody's nice. They're so nice. Every single country's nice. Paris is nice. Everywhere you go, they're nice if you're not a cunt. Yeah.

Exactly. American tourists act like they're the ones, like that kid who pissed on the tree on Midsommar. They're like, what's the problem with tourists? It's one of the problems of nationalism. We can't be responsible for those folks. We can't be responsible for these fucking idiots that we pretend are on the same team as us that are dumbasses and fuck things up and go to countries

and spray paint shit on statues because they think it's funny. Get blowjobs in public. Did you see those fucking climate activists? They glued themselves to a statue at the Vatican. Did they glue themselves to like a renaissance painting? What? Yeah, wild shit. They're touching these priceless artifacts and they're getting their hands stuck on them. What? Renaissance painting they what yeah wild shit when they were touching no

Artifacts and they're getting their hands So in order to how do they get their hands off they must use some sort of solvent or something fucks up and it's definitely Mars. Yeah, what if it permanently Mars these like priceless statues Holy hell, how are they doing? You're kind of the only good things that are going to survive after climate change. So here's how they did it at the Vatican. These fucking kooks. How bad does that old man want to fuck that woman?

Oh, so bad. This is his only shot. I got to glue myself. I don't want to do it. He thinks he's got a chance. 26-year-old woman referred to only as Laura and an unnamed older man. Let's just call him Cuck. Along with several reporters, entered to Vatican museums where the activists clued themselves to the base of the sculpture.

Oh my God. That might be the horniest dude of all time. Did they say how they got him off, Jamie? How the fuck did they get him off? They should have drop kicked him until he fucking removed. They use Just Stop Oil and Ultima Generosa have received $1 million in funding. Oh, that's the company. Oh, I thought they used that stuff.

Just Stop Oil to get the... I thought it was like a solvent. Yeah, yeah. And they had to fuck the surface of it up. I mean, you've definitely introduced something that should never be there with super glue and human skin tissue. So are you going to clean that off? Are you going to leave it there forever?

So everyone's going to know that's where the climate activists glued their fucking stupid hands It does look like it might just be the base that they put later. Well fucking what they got a pain They put in later. Yeah, it's like they attach a statue to a base me. Well that okay. Well, that's not bad Isn't that funny? Did you that was old? We'd be like what the fuck? Did you see the video it's from the 80s Pull that up Jamie the guys sitting on the highway? Pull that up, Jamie. The guy's sitting on the highway because of climate change, and they were just yanking

him and putting him- Dude, dude, just like, yo, I have to go to work, you fucking losers. Oh, they hate that. They're like, you're getting in the way of my fucking shit. I got to show you guys the most alarmist climate change shit I have ever seen in my life. Yeah, this is good. Oh, here it is. They're just moving these ladies.

He's like, I'm going to fucking work. I mean, people are going to funerals. No. They're going to school. No. These people are so goddamn crazy. Look at them. Then you get some, too.

They scoot right back. Then you get some, too. Come get some. What city is this? And they just scoot right back. In Maryland. This is in Maryland. Oh, I thought this was a European.

Go Maryland. Number one state. Number two state. Oh, the black lady's going to get some business done. I guarantee you, none of those people have ever read studies on climate change. I fucking guarantee you. They never got over peer-reviewed data and tried to find out what the actual long-term understanding of the climate's ups and downs are.

Look at this. Zombie ice from Greenland will raise sea levels 10 inches. That's for climate change. I'm not. Now, listen. I want to be real clear. I'm not saying that climate change is not real. Climate change is 100% real. Yeah. Climate change is being affected by human civilization 100%.

Yeah. Also, people are crazy and they like to lose their fucking minds and exaggerate things and go way off the deep end. It becomes a new field of like cult-like thinking. That, what you just saw, look at that. Put that thing up again. Put that fucking picture up again, Jamie, please. Zombie ice from Greenland will raise sea level 10 inches.

Dude, if sea level goes up 10 inches, everyone's dead. Everyone's dead. I thought we needed some sea level. No, no, no. No, we don't need it. Miami, New York's gone. New York's gone. No.

Ten inches? Ten inches, nothing. Miami's gone. No, ten inches is a crazy number. Yeah, it doesn't seem like much. That's a crazy number. Kevin Hart's back in. No, that's a crazy number.

That's a devastating number. Just one. Like, one inch fucks things up. One Kevin Hart dick. One black dick, yeah. Oh, some other study said it could go 30 inches. Now, if that's true. 30, that's fucked up. Did you ever see Trump talking about climate change? What does he say? Oh, it other study said it could go 30 inches. Now, if that's true. 30, that's fucked up.

Did you ever see Trump talking about climate change? What does he say? Oh, it's the best. Where he curses in the middle of it? 2100. Good. Okay, so for likely sea level rise from Greenland ice melt by the year 2100. Yeah, so that's what Trump said about climate change.

He goes, well, we got to worry about this because the sea level is going to go up one-tenth of a fucking inch. He goes, I've been going's been over this fucking 200 years. The lady behind him just raises her arms. She's like, yes! Jamie, stop right there. I've read it wrong. The unavoidable 10 inches in the study is more than twice as much sea level rise as scientists had previously expected from the melting of Greenland's ice sheets. lens ice sheets. The study in the journal Nature Climate Change said it could reach

as much as 30 inches, 78 centimeters by contrast. Last year's intergovernmental panel on climate change reported projected range of 2 to 5 inches. So they think it might 2 to 5. That's what I do. That's where I'm at. We're fucked either way. Just party.

Yeah, but I don't necessarily think they know we're fucked. The problem is people can adapt to things, and there's a certain aspect of it that you can't avoid at this point. There's been damage done, and there's also a clear change in climate that's happening. But there's always been a change in climate. The question is how much do people have an effect on it? Definitely have some, but is it all because of us,

and the only way we're going to fix this is we're going to go electric cars? Or is there some sort of a technological way to fix it? Is there a way to pull carbon from the atmosphere? Can you repair the fucking- That's the problem. It's like you charge them nuclear power is the cleanest way. But nuclear power, they don't want to do that.

They don't want to do it. But it's the best. It's the best. It really is. It's like the most devastating when shit goes south, though. Like you could shut a coal plant down. When a nuclear power plant goes sideways, everybody has to move. I'm from Harrisburg.

It's like a Holtzman set. When it goes bad, it goes really bad. I'm from Three Mile Island, dude. Oh my god, are you really? Yeah, it's right by my house. How far away? What does that mean? It's Harrisburg.

It's fucking 15 minutes. They had a nuclear thing there? My parents had to, yeah, they had to fucking evacuate. Damn. Yeah. Is that why you got all fucked up? Yeah. You were the one?

Comedy. I'm the one who's fucked up, definitely. Not you. Mentally. That's why shit looks like that. That wasn't bad. It's like, it's not that we don't need to do something. It's that when you tell people that we need to do something, then people get into a fucking fever.

And then they get crazy. And then they abandon logic and reason. And they start acting like people that are in a fucking cult. And that's what you see from a lot of this climate change craziness. People gluing themselves to statues and laying in the road to stop climate change. Like, what do you want me to do? I'm trying to go to work. What are you going to do?

Make awareness to people? Everybody knows. It's just selfish. It's just for them. It's for them. It's for them. They feel righteous. Especially when you're first.

You're first in line. Like, get out. No way. Yeah, but just being one of those people sitting there, and then a black lady comes out, and you're like, fuck, fuck. Interceptionality. This is different now. I was hoping it would be a white truck driver.

Right. Fuck. Yeah. Well, I also understand your plight as well. Right. But man, this is bigger than all of us. But we have to realize, too, like, who's doing that? Not smart people.

That's not a smart person's move. So if there's a dumb person that thinks that this is the way to fucking get brownie points for the cause, they're going to lay down on the highway. They just want the photo. They want to be a part of something. Yeah, they're going to storm the Capitol. It makes you a part of something important. It's the same shit.

It's the same shit about rape jokes. When they go so hard on people and it was like, hey, is this achieving what you wanted to achieve? Like it's not, right right everyone's just going harder in response to you just making people more like out there so like maybe talk to them or something i don't understand what you said their tactics are not getting what they want when they go after somebody for making a rape joke suddenly everyone doesn't stop making them making rape jokes or making rapes anything rape jokes everyone just goes harder. So it's like

your tactics aren't working. Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like those people need better tactics than laying down in front of traffic. They pick the easy route.

Yeah, but see, you're looking in terms of like someone who produces art and people that criticize that art, even if those are as offensive as a rape joke.

What those people are doing is instantaneously plugging into virtue. You could be the biggest fucking loser ever, but if you're willing to put on that vest and lay down on the highway, everybody will call you brave. Right. That's what it is.

And if you're one of those fucking people that says, we're out here trying to fight climate change, and that's how you're doing it? You're blocking traffic and making people idle? We're causing a traffic jam, which is actually probably bad for everyone. Yeah, it's idling for forever. It's terrible. Terrible. Also, cars's idling for forever. It's terrible. Terrible.

Also, cars are going to break down, so you're going to need more gas burnt to get a fucking tow truck out there. And everyone in that crowd is like, we don't know what the fuck you're talking about. It's so dumb. And people get violent. Because if you have to go somewhere, maybe your kid broke his leg at school, and you're driving there, and all of a sudden there's some climate change person laying down the fucking car.

Dude, if I had to get a job interview, run over him. He's going to be late for it now because of this. Imagine, your son's playing football and your wife calls you. You broke his leg. You're like, oh shit. If you miss one more, you're out. And you're trying to get to the fucking hospital and some dipshit is just

laying in the middle of the road. And you just want to dismember him. You just want to dismember him. You just want to grab him and throw him like a fucking sack of potatoes. I have no time for this. Like, you don't give a fuck, man. You want to body slam him on the concrete. You're fucking angry.

Your kid just got hit by a car. And you got to sit and watch this moron with his shitty idea imposing it on everybody. It's amazing you can get to that, though. That's pretty cool. Remember that lady who laid on the street naked in Portland during the height of everything? Yeah, she stuck her cooter out. She stuck her cooter out in front of the cops. It's incredible.

You can get to that level. She's not helping or doing anything. She is. She's helping herself. She's getting a lot of attention. That's the problem, man. People get rewarded for attention. Wait, wasn't that during COVID?

BLM. I think it was't that during COVID? BLM. I think it was BLM. Yeah, BLM. A white lady showed her pussy to white cops during BLM. Yeah. Good times. They're racists. They're just sitting there like, what the fuck?

They're racists, so they need to look at this pussy. Okay. Too bad the show Cops ended. That would have been a great episode. That might have killed the show. Yeah, it'd be a finale. Yeah. Yeah, good times. Cops rules, dude. That was one of the longest. It'd be a finale. Yeah, good times.

Cops rules, dude. That was one of the longest running shows ever. Coming back. I think it's coming back. I think Fox 5 canceled it because somebody got killed, right? No, it was during BLM. They were like, we don't want to promote this. Yeah, it was during BLM.

But Jay was like, oh yeah, great idea. Stop filming cops. That's your solution. That's a great idea. Stop filming cops. That's your solution? That's a great joke. It's like literally one of the most watched shows of all time. Yeah, it's an incredible reality show. How many episodes of cops were there? I've seen all of them.

They're so good. They're so good. A lot of them were down in Louisiana. Louisiana had a good run. Bad boys, bad boys. They made that song. That song's so... It's about to start.

Do you remember when Steven Seagal was a cop in Louisiana? Do I? And he did a television show. Yes. He was a real cop. Big hit. Listen to me. He was a real cop.

It was a reality show. Oh, dude. And Steven Seagal would go and pull people over. I think Segura had a bit about it. He did. Yeah, he did. It is the wildest shit you're ever going to see in your life. It wasn't like...

He wasn't doing ride-alongs. He was a cop. He was a cop. And he adopted a southern accent. And I'm not bullshitting. I'm not bullshitting. Go to it. Go to a video. He adopted a fucking Louisiana accent.

Isn't he like 6'3"? Oh, he's a big boy. He's tall. I met him a bunch of times. Really? Yeah. Didn't he invent his own? So he's a movie star, and he's a cop.

Don't touch his hair. I relate to these guys. Oh, Harry Lee. He's a legend in Louisiana. Really? Yeah, he's a big sheriff. Southern. Yeah, he's a big sheriff. We're having a special SWAT training, and several teams from the different areas will be down here. Would you shoot for us?

I said, sure. Southern. Dude, this guy is nuts. Would you be willing to bet that my best marksman could beat you? And I said, sure. What's going on with his accent? He kind of nailed it. That's kind of the Creole Louisiana accent. And I went, do-doom-doom-doom, I shot.

And somebody said, man, I think he missed the whole target. That's the exit He's doing pretty good Is he from there no he is now shut the very He's a man from nowhere No where he was born Maybe he was born there. No. But I know he never talked like this before.

So he was on the show. He talked like this. Somebody did. It's getting more Southern as the interview goes long. It's starting to get it. It's really sliding into it. He's born in Lansing, Michigan. This is Lansing. Not a big deal. Community. He's starting to get it. He's getting in groove. He's born in Lansing, Michigan. This is Lansing.

Not a big Cale community. He's nailing it. He's in Louisiana, though. He's a Spartan, dude. He's a Michigan State fan. Did he ever live in Louisiana before this? I don't think so. Does it say, go to Wikipedia?

I think he did one movie in New Orleans. He's from Michigan. Oh, my God. That's crazy. That is so hilarious. He's kind of a chameleon Yeah, you know that guy was one of the first Americans to run a dojo in Japan Wow Yeah, he was a legitimate Aikido master

I think he was like married to the master's daughter or something like that, but he was legit Aikido guy What's he up to now? Can you imagine getting arrested and then kicking out the car window? That's not easy. Fuck. I'm really upset. My mom's gonna be pissed. Just like, no, I'm going for it further. Yeah, you gotta respect it. You ever see that police guy in Louisiana doing the fucking, he's like,

to the goblins, I'm here to give you a... See if you can find it. He's a parish sheriff. Yeah. He just gives a fucking message. He's like, we're going to fuck you up. I don't know.

It's so nice, dude. What are the goblins? It was a gang in his parish, and he just gives a full-on speech where he's like, come meet us with guns. We're going to fucking kill you. All right. Dude, with the fucking Creole accent. Cajun law. It's so nice, dude kill you. All right. Dude, with the fucking Creole accent. Cajun law.

It's so nice, dude. Wow. Good times. And to the goblins, I have this message for you. It's so good, dude. I mean, growing up there, it felt like we were detached from the U.S. Louisiana feels like its own thing. American.

I think it is. Well, first of all, in New Orleans, it's just spooky voodoo. You can drink outside. People come there when they ran over a kid. That's where people come to live. Dude, Neil Gaiman at American Gods. He says New Orleans is not part of America. That's what I'm saying.

That's a separate place. Oh, this shit rules, dude. This will just fire you up. Abbeville. It's quiet. Drug trafficking, extortionortion and brutal beatings. We've arrested 10 of these thugs and have warrants on seven more. Every one of these animals is most definitely armed and dangerous.

Darren Carter. Aaron Carter. Travis Cooper. Party starter. We have felony warrants. Men like me will return fire with superior fire. Wow. This is something new.

Wow. heavy makes no difference to me you won't walk away this is something new man like us son we do dumbbell presses with weights bigger than you and the convicts in jail most of those men are good people who just found themselves crossed with the law they're not evil and they don't respect you or any punk like you they'll toss you around like a rag doll. I Encourage every citizen. That's pretty good American courage that conquers all evil I implore you to listen to this message and stand up take back your streets take back your country Come forward with information about these heathens that have terrorized your community One take and for those who would use this message

as a way to create false racial division in our country, take a close look behind me. Standing next to every cop is a leader of our black community. This is not about race. It's about right versus wrong. One last message to the gremlins. One last message to the gremlins. That was a cut. One last message to the gremlins. One last message to the gremlins. That was a cut.

One last message to the gremlins. You don't like the things I'm easy to find. Oh, that's the best. You got to get that. On behalf of the St. Andrew Parish Sheriff's Office, the Louisiana State Police, the U.S. Marshals, and every cop in law-abiding prison from sea to shining sea, I'm Captain Clay Higgins asking every patriot to stand up,

share this video, and send a clear message to the world. We're Americans. We'd rather die on our feet than live on our knees. Whoa, I got chills. If that guy runs for president, we are fucked.

Where was that from? If that guy runs for president, are fucked If that guy runs for president We are fucked Holy shit Can I just say the Gremlins is a cool name for a gang Don't get them wet Cool name for a gang That guy's gotta be dead

There's no way he's still going To the Gremlins, I'm easy to find Could you imagine the rallies that that guy would have If he was running for president? Such a good speaker. He's got to have a movie on. How nice is that? Can you imagine?

And also with his experience? What's his experience? He looked ahead. I know what you're going to get me on. You're going to say racial. No, no. Look behind me. Yes.

Yeah. Police captain what? He's now a congressman. He's going to be the president. Where is he running? I don't Oh! He's going to be the president. Where is he running? I don't know. He's going to be the president. It's like Joe Rogan.

That's what he is. It's only a piece of his head. Bro, that guy's going to be president. I can see it. It's like white Joe Rogan. He's going to be president. There you go. Uh, SWAT.

Oh, he's still going. Uncle Clay. Yeah, he's a SWAT team. SWAT operations. National military police officer. Military police officer. Who that? Army Louisiana National Guard.

He's going to say something wild. He's going to say some wild shit. Someone's going to get him being like, what do you mean, gays? Yeah. Listen, he'll still win. That guy might win. Wow.

If that guy runs for president, we're fucked. That's pretty good. Yeah, even Trump would see that and be like, this guy's going to tone it down. People would be good. Yeah, even Trump would see that and be like, this guy's gonna tone it down. People would be like, holy shit. Trump would be like, oh. Can I be your vice president? You bring it down to a seven.

Yeah, wow, that's exciting. I've never seen that. Yeah, it's pretty fun, right? It's intense. There's a lot of people like that out there in this world. Oh, yeah. They very much feel like that. How nice is that?

They're tired of crime. Just on the local news, just being like, you know where I live. Most of the future crimes were solved and what was most significant was that many of the suspects responded to Uncle Clay's message of redemption and turned themselves in. It worked! It worked! Whoa. Come on!

The program was one of the most successful in the history of law enforcement. They just want discipline. Do you know how crazy that is? The gremlins. They just want a strong male figure. Do you know how crazy that is? The gremlins. They just want a strong male figure. Do you know how crazy that is? It was one of the most successful in the history of law enforcement. Wow.

What do you do about that? Is that coming from his own website? Definitely. Okay. Hold on. Hold on. We're not going to be true. He got us.

Find the gremlins. Find the gremlins Instagram. When that means the most successful out of how many? I'm in the top 1,500. The gremlins are like, yo, we're still going strong. Fuck Higgins. When he says the most successful in of how many? I'm in the top 1,500. The gremlin's like, yo, we're still going strong. Fuck Higgins. When he says the most successful in history, what's the number? Is it number eight?

Is it number 2,000? In law enforcement history. What's the most successful what? Campaigns? Significant campaign. Yeah. Successful, significant campaign. Probably.

Elliot Ness was pretty good. Elliot Ness ruled. Some of those guys. Yeah. There's another one from Louisiana Shreveport. It's not as crazy as that but these kids kept fighting

so the dads came in and like disciplined the kids it was like 40 dads that's fun just coming to the high school and just shaking kids up remember Scared Straight oh of course

Scared Straight was fun Scared Straight scared me shit scared me while I was watching I was doing nothing shit scared you I don't do any crimes

I was watching that I was terrified I love the few episodes where the kid there knew that there weren't a lot of touch them. Get your hands off me, pussy. And they'd be like, fuck. Those kids are still, that's ballsy shit. That's still ballsy. Who was it?

What reporter? There was a reporter that was interviewing a pro wrestler. Snowden. No, no, no. And the pro wrestler, he was saying that it was fake. And the pro wrestler clipped him upside the head and dropped him. That was just an open hand slap! And he slaps him again.

Who was it? Ray Schultz, Andrew's brother. David Schultz. No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, that's the wrestler. That's the wrestler. This is it. What the hell is wrong with you? That's an open hand slap. This is it. What's that? Is that fake? Huh? What the hell's wrong with you? That's open-hand slap. Geraldo?

Is that Geraldo? No, it's not Geraldo. Oh, two of them. Is that Geraldo? It's like, all right, I'm out. It looks like Geraldo. Who was that? Yeah, just watch the whole fight, dude.

Just watch the whole fight. I know who it is. I just can't remember. David Schultz, that's a reporter. Oh, there he is. Stossel. That's what it is. John Stossel.

Ah. That guy. So the guy goes on to be like a legitimate journalist, right? He just got cocky with a big giant guy. He thought there were barriers that weren't there. Yeah, he decided that he could get away with something. Everybody thinks this is fake. But I think that fucked David Schultz's career up, didn't it?

Oh, sure. He said he stayed in character because Schultz says, McMahon told him he had to stay in character. And he goes, this wasn't character. You know who loves that video is Will Smith. He said it was true to his character to slap the guy upside the head twice for calling him a fake. Stossel was knocked on his ass and ran away from the dangerous situation. Fuck yeah, it was dangerous.

Yeah, I was thinking so. He wrote this. You should have said that. He filled that out. So if he told Schultz to stay in character, I mean, that still doesn't mean you're supposed to assault reporters. Twice. Remember the Chris Everett?

I guess he would in character, though, right? Jim Rome? Remember the Jim Rome Chris Everett? Yes. He kept calling him Chrissy Everett. He goes, I bet you won't call me that to my face. Bet you I do. Pull it up.

He goes, do it again. Pull it up. Do it again. And I'm going to, bet you I do. Chris. Chrissy. He flips the table and jumps up. Oh, yeah. He goes, do it again. Pull it up. Do it again. And I'm going to, bet you I do. Chris. He flips the table. Oh, yeah. I can see that.

That was a great one. That was Jim Rome's thing, right? Piss people off? Yeah, but it was like, Jim. By the way, Jim Rome's fucking incredible. Check that. Chris Everett. Good to have you on the show.

You know what? You know, you've been calling me that for about the last five years. About two years, actually, Chris. Well, hey, you know what? Let me say one thing. In that game, how many sacks did I have that we came back and won? How many sacks did you have? Yeah, how many game? How many sacks? five years now two years actually chris well it's you know what let me go to one thing in that game how many sex i have that we came back one how many sacks to have a game

everything was in this is back in nineteen eighty nine but i was not even been jim ever back there but somewhere along the way jim you cease being jim you became chris all of its annual secret you know we're sitting here right now and if you got what they station break you can but if you call me chris everett to my face one more time i already did it twice you better you call one more time we better take a station break well it's a five minute segment our five segment show we got a long way to go we do we got a long way to go we do i'll get a couple segments out here before it's good to be here with you though well it's good to see you too you've been talking like this behind my back

for a long time but now i said it right here. Right, exactly. Well, we got no problems then. I think that you probably won't say it again. I bet I do. Okay. Chris. He got to respect the balls. Nah, fuck that. He's challenged to his face. Jim Rome rules.

Jim Rome's fucking nice. That's what I'm saying. Jim Rome rules, but that's pussy shit. He had to. He had to say it again. It's pussy. From who? Jim?

Any fucking reporter talking shit on an athlete sucks, dude. I don't think it's good, but I think it's... Just straight up being like, you're a pussy now. It's like... You've got to be able to say an athlete is weak. Why? It's like he's not stepping up. That's your job as a sports reporter.

I think they both did it right. As a sports reporter, you're like... Mel Gibson was right about you guys. I think Norman's right. Norman's I think they both did it right. Mel Gibson was right about you guys. I think Norman's right. They both did it right because he had to do something. Everett had to do something. He had to say it if he said you're not going to say it. They were both...

He didn't hurt him. He could have killed him instantly. What if he started raining punches down on him? He would have crushed his skull like a grape. He did do something. I think Rome's fucked up by that. I think Rome hates that. No.

I think Jim Rome hates that clip. I'm sure he hates it. I think Jim Rome's embarrassed about that. I'm sure he hates it. Well, that's on him. It sucks when reporters... That was back then. Now reporters are very pro player.

Yeah. Back then, they used to be very shut up and dribble. Oh, right. All the time. Even if this guy is a pussy time but that's his brand that's his brand you have to be able to go like the guy sucks he's not gonna step up in big moments you gotta be able to say that as a sports yeah you gotta be able to say suck up there that guy just says wild shit though they a lot of those guys they say why they have hot takes and that's how

they stay act and it makes it fun it's fun it's fun i agree it's fun i'm not saying. It's fun. I'm not saying the hot take. Even if you're like, fuck him. Yeah, but it's not a hot take. It'd be like going on and being like, this guy's a pussy. Right, right, right. Sure. That's fucking... You're a reporter, dude. Shut the fuck up.

I'm not saying it's right, but I like that he stuck with it. So what does it say? It says, Jim Rome says he regretted pushing Jim Everett's buttons. What I learned from that is I didn't have to do it three times. Rome said it's buttons. What I learned from that is I didn't have to do it three times. Rome said it's 2003. He said in retrospect I didn't know he was that angry. Putting him on the

show wasn't my idea. Did we get this guy on a plane and fly him in so I could badger him and call him Chris and make it horrible for everybody? No. There was a good interview to be done and it didn't get done. That's true. I had to be a fucking man for no reason probably was never confronted you got it

but that's good thank you by the way jim rome he's one of those guys that he's just he's like tim dillon like you can like just nasty oh like sitting down by themselves just like really i could listen to this all day good for him him. Jim Rohn's fucking nice. That's a skill. I've never listened. It's funny. He's funny. Is it funny because I'm not like a sports guy?

He does this thing where he won't talk shit, but if somebody calls in, like let's say, all right, Charlie Weiss. He was Notre Dame's coach. He was a fat guy. Somebody would call in or text and be like, Charlie Weiss is fat. He would be like, hey, we don't do that stuff here. We don't call people fat. I don't think that's funny. I don't think it's funny

to sit around and say, Charlie Weiss is a big fat ass. That's pretty funny. He does this thing where if somebody else says it, if somebody else says it, what is it? What's the alarm? It's his alarm? It's Friday.

It's Friday. Every hour. He has no idea how it works. No idea. It just keeps. Keep going. Didn't mean to heckle you with a timex. Imagine, like, torturing yourself like that.

Putting something on every day. Never know when it's going to be. Randomly. You never know. It's a random. It does that once a day. He never figures out how to set the time. I like the way it looks.

He keeps it on. He never figures out how to set the time. I got the time in Russia. What's wrong with you? Well, I'll tell you that turkey's not feeling so great. We got a turkey from the fridge after warnings not to. Everybody was like, don't eat that. Oh, man.

Maybe the whiskey would kill it. Maybe that bodega. I need more. That fucking bodega can't kill everything. Yeah, it's probably a good move. Didn't, like, fucking people back in the day drink wine to aid in traveler sickness? Of course. It was all medicinal booze back in the day. I think back in the day, too, like, most of what people drank was beer.

Yeah. Beer saved the world. It's the only way to get liquids in the day too most of what people drank was beer. Yeah, because beer saved the world. It's the only way to get liquids in them. Because otherwise people would drink it out of fucking ponds. They didn't do anything. They just drank water back then. They didn't have any understanding. I'll be honest. I think it might be a

Bargatze joke, but I could have never invented a single thing. Oh yeah. I would have never. The Sun cited a 1995 study in Hawaii which researchers found that wine was more effective than Pepto-Bismol at combating colonies of E. coli, Salmonella, and Shigella bacteria. All right. Wow.

I don't trust any study from 1995 in Hawaii. They were selling wine. They used spam. I don't trust one study. Medic in Hawaii. They were selling wine. They eat spam. Medicinal wine. And poi. What's wrong with this? Oh, he's 48. I haven't peed once.

I'm 55. Yeah, well, you're fucking doing judo. Judo. He's just a Jew. Yeah, he's judo. There it was. Dude, every once in a while, I'll be going through my fucking Instagram, and I'll see that fucking, you ever see his kick?

Ah, the kick is scary. Holy shit, what's wrong with you, dude? Why are you kicking people like that? He's kicking a bag. I don't do it anymore. I'm just kicking things. Why are you kicking things? I always have.

Stop kicking things. Why are you kicking things? Well, your origin story is hearing a kick. You heard a kick from the street or something, didn't you? Yeah, no, I was walking. I went to Fenway Park to see a baseball game. And on the way home, I stopped at this Taekwondo place because I had been taking karate

and I was kind of interested in some other martial arts. And we were waiting for the T, which is like the public transportation. It's like a long-ass line after a baseball game. Everybody's waiting to get on. It takes forever. So I said, let's go up the stairs and check out this place. So as we're walking up the stairs to this Taekwondo place, I keep hearing, whomp! Cha-ching! Whomp!

Cha-ching! And it was this dude John Lee kicking this heavy bag so fucking hard that it was flying. And the cha-ching was the chains. So it was him, his heel slamming into this leather heavy bag and sending it flying into the chains. Yeah.

And so I walked up and I watched this guy train. He was a national champion at the time and he was training for the World Cup. So I caught him like in the peak of his form. Wow. Imagine that. He was 15 years old. Imagine just a 3'8 Joe Rogan just sitting there watching you kick. And you had no idea what he would become.

Monster. Those kicks you throw are like genuinely scary. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Genuinely scary. It was funny when we went out and you were like,

one of you was like, could we take Rogan? Yeah. This comes up every podcast. I was like, no. This is silly. The kicks. He kicks so hard

that if you see it, you'd be like, nah, I'm out. We'd like to see it later. I'll show you. I still can't. Sometimes when I get high in particular, when I get high, I don't believe I really can do it. When I get high, I don't believe it's this hidden thing that I can do.

When I get high, I pretend that I can't do it. The greatest thing, GSB go, wait, wait, show me that? Oh, that's cool. And you see him looking at it, he's like, damn. Didn't he do it? Didn't he do it? Didn't he do it? That conversation came about because of John Donahair. John Donahair was like the biggest wizard in all of jiu-jitsu.

He's like the master splinter of jiu-jitsu. He's like the best coach. Master splinter. Literally, like, widely regarded as one of the greatest coaches in jiu-jitsu history, if not the best. He comes up to me when I was working for the UFC, and he was there with George St. Pierre. Maybe he wasn't there at that time with George St. Pierre, but he trains with him. And he was saying to me, he goes, George needs help with his spinning back kick.

Do you know anyone that can help him? I said, this is going to sound crazy. I go, but I have a really good spinning back kick. I know that's ridiculous. You must have thought the goal for me to say this. It's so much goal, but I said, just get me in front of a heavy bag and I'll fucking, I'll change your mind. Really? I'll freak you out.

And so I did that with George. I got him in front of a heavy bag. And it was kind of a difficult situation too because we were just done training jujitsu and the ground was super wet with sweat because everybody had been training and it was really greasy. And it was also a lot of humidity in the air.

When people train in jujitsu, the fucking walls get greasy. Yeah. Because everybody's just sweating all the time. So it was slippery. So I was like, fuck. So I had to use a towel and try to dry off the floor. I wanted a real solid, dry floor so I can plow that fucking thing. Yeah.

So I felt like I could kick it even harder if I had a good grip on the floor. But that was always my specialty when I was a Taekwondo guy. So when I said it to him, though, it was like, it's such a stupid thing. That's so funny. It's such a stupid thing to do if you're a fucking comedian and a commentator. And you're saying, hey, who's the best coach to show you a spinning back kick? And I'm like, actually. Actually, I can do it.

It might be me. Well, that is wild. And GSP is a lot of pressure. Did I talk about this last time? GSP's super duper humble, though. He's the greatest. He did the bonfire. He's so easy to talk to.

He did? He did the bonfire when I was on it. And GSP came in, and I thought it would be funny to be like, yo, I'll fuck you up. Yeah. And he was like, ha, ha, ha, okay. My friend. But there was still like a hint of like, why is this boy saying this?

Yeah, yeah. GSB. He's a smongoloid. Who's this giant boy talking to me? He's one of the best examples of a fighter becoming a non-fighter. Staying an athlete, staying smart, always testing his mind. Great wisdom. He's got the best off-stage advice.

His shit is philosophical. You hear Nate Diaz is hilarious and fun to watch. Nate Diaz is philosophical. Is he? People sleep on that. I mean, I'm a fan, but you listen to GSP and you're like, oh, this guy is thoughtful. Listen, you can't fight that hard unless you have some kind of philosophy. Some mental.

There's got to be some ethics and morals of life that he lives his life by. Whatever, I'm not going to. People hear Nate and think, oh, it's just funny. It's cool. No, whatever. Which way are we going to go? No, I mean, people hear it. I like Nate. What'm not going to. People hear Nate and think, like, oh, it's just funny. It's cool. Nah, whatever. Which way are we going to go? No, I mean, people hear it. I like Nate.

He's amazing to watch. You stop yourself there. What were you doing? Well, because when I started, like, loving Nate Diaz, I was like, oh, this guy's just funny. Yeah. This rules. This is funny. And then, like, you slowly realize, like, oh realize like oh this is actually like a deep

philosophy of like fuck that he's a bitch fuck it like that's a don't get fooled by the verbiage it is like a deep like that's yeah what he said about about mcgregor where he's like oh you want if this is a war you'd be dead that's the best if no one's stopping this you know in two different moments i would have just killed you he's like i would have i would have taken your family If this was a war, you'd be dead. That's the best. If no one's stopping this, you know in two different moments, I would have just killed you. He's like, I would have taken your family. Congrats, there's a bell. It's almost like when a kid says something brilliant.

You're like, oh, yeah, that's so poignant. Nate's scariest. Nate's scariest shit talk was that first Conor fight when Conor was predicting. He was Mystic Mac. He was predicting this fight. He's like, yeah, I'd probably knock him out in the first round. He's like, you better get that knockout.

And it was just like, yo. Dude, I was the first person to sound the alarm for everybody at the UFC. A couple straights. I was like, hey, hey, hey. Before this even got, I go, dude, that guy can win. This is not a layup. I go, Nate Diaz is a terrible matchup. He's a big guy for 155.

He's fucking big. He's got a shitload of experience. He's super hard to get out of there He's the most durable guy maybe ever You can't get him down He takes so many hits Jorge stopped him with cuts And then at one time Josh Thompson stopped him with a head kick

It was a perfect head kick He stayed 20 years ago That was 15 years ago. He's crazy durable. Dude, that Leon Edwards, there's one moment. He had that. Dude, Leon, well, you know what? I thought that, too.

I thought he fucking stunned him and pointed at him. Yeah. But I think that point, he had been doing that all fight, was like. No, no, he knew he rocked him. He rocked him. I watched it again yesterday. But then he rushed. He did try for the, he did rush for the finish.

He was the final, he was going for it. They were exhausted. It was the end of the fifth round. Yes. Okay, you have to take that into consideration. Also, you have to take into consideration how fucking good Leon Edwards is. He's amazing. He's got great defense.

Don't get me going, dude. Don't get me going, dude. I hate to fight that guy in a war. Oh my gosh. Look at the face. Yeah, he's eventually going to get you. And he doesn't care if he's cut open and bleeding. It literally doesn't bother him at all. No, he's tough as nails. And then here comes just a

So he clips him and then when he clips him he hurts him. It's really much more towards the end of the round. Fifth round. It's actually right here. It's right here. Right here. Oh, he's bloody.

Oh, there it is. Exactly. There it is. Oh, my goodness. Now he starts going for it. He's wonky. Gives him the middle finger. Now it's time.

But Leon moved away. He let him come back. But I'm telling you, he didn't have a choice. He was chasing him. Why? He was tired? Because Leon is still mobile, and you can't just rush in. If you rush in, you get countered.

I see. You don't think Nate Diaz looks back and goes, ah, if I rushed it would have happened. No chance. No, no, no. No chance. He fought the right way. The thing is, if you just rush in, you get KO'd. It happens all the time. I see.

Pat Barry versus Czech Congo. One of the best examples of this ever. Play that. Play that. Because the round just ended. We've got 20 seconds to go. It's the best, dude. It's the best.

But after that, Pat Barry and Czech Congo. Because I want to show you something. Because it's one of the greatest examples of someone who opens up too much trying to finish someone and gets knocked out. He had an elbow there. It's like knocked on. Justin Bieber going nuts. All right, we got seven seconds. Oh, God.

Now it's over. Okay, okay. Man. How did he lose that? How did he survive? He lost because he lost most of the rounds. I see. Because Leon is now the welterweight champion of the world.

He's, like, super good. But if you watch Czech Congo versus Pat Barry. I'm a fan. So Pat Barry rocks Czech Congo and has him really badly hurt. It looks like he's minutes away from getting stopped. I mean seconds away from he falls down. He's like he's all out of it and Pat's trying to finish him off and he

opens up and when he opens up he gets clipped. So boom he drops him. Watch this. Because it's one of the greatest comebacks ever. I mean he's getting fucking rocked. Look Pat Barry is going off, right? Oh, my God. Smart. Should have been stopped.

And look, he hits him again, drops him again. Should have been stopped. So this fight's gone, right? You think so, right? I know. So Pat Barry's still swinging. But Chet Congo survives, and Pat Barry rushes in and gets clipped. Oh, that's what's great about the sport.

Crazy. But imagine that. So that is what could have happened to Nate if he just went right after Leon Edwards. That's why you have to fight technically. Good point. So what Nate did was the right thing to do. He looked for the opportunities to finish. He tried to finish.

He also took a second to be like, while he was pointing, he was still, he wasn't sure if Leon was out. Well, he's still fucking with him. He was still like, the whole fight, you gotta watch the whole fight because the whole time he's like, fucking with, dude, fucking with this dude. Yeah, he checked one of his kicks once and pointed to his shin. Must have been insane. Oh, that had to hurt.

You called it, I texted you about it, it was the funniest, I watched the fight this week, he called it a fucking – it's a horror movie, dude. It is a horror movie. Oh, the Rock Old Blood moment? No, but it's just Nate Diaz isn't going anywhere. Oh, yeah. You're Leon Edwards.

You're a freak kickboxer. You're nasty. And then here's this dude that's not leaving. Listen to this. And every time you hit him, occasionally you hit him and he goes, you got me on that one. People need to understand. It's more scary.

It's so scary. It's like Mike Myers. He just keeps coming. Yeah, he just keeps walking. He's fighting Hamzat Shmaev, right? But it's a main event, correct? Yeah. So if it's the main event, that means it's five rounds.

It is. If it's five rounds, that's tough. That's Nate's world. Nate did the fourth and fifth round. The fifth round, that motherfucker doesn't get tired. It's funny. He gassed in the third. He's like, oh, that was a rest period.

I'm back for four and five. But he never gassed. Hasmoth's going to get him on the ground. That's my prediction. Tail the tape. Nate's pretty good on the ground, dude. He's pretty good, but this guy's unreal on the ground. This guy has a hard one.

Leon Edwards out-grappled Nate in their fight, I have to say. See? Leon did out-grapple Nate in that fight. But that's just because Nate was probably looking to strike, and he got surprised by Leon, who's really predominantly known as a striker, although he's, like, very well-rounded, obviously. He's predominantly known as a striker, and Nate probably didn't think that that would ever be a strategy

to go to the ground with him. Oh, yeah. But also you've got to realize that Nate has fought at 155. He fought Conor at 155. That's where he was, like was maybe at his optimal frame. These guys, Hamza fought at 185. That's a big guy. He knocked out Gerald Mershart with one punch at 185.

See if you can find that. Because this is how fucking good this guy is. This guy is dangerous. He's dangerous. But Nate Diaz is the most durable motherfucker that's ever lived. That's why it's a recipe for a wild fight. Because, like, watch this fight. This is how good Hamzat is.

He's scary good. And by the way, he's known as a grappler. Like, he's not even known as being a striker. But if he can do shit like this, that was it. It wouldn't play. It wouldn't play. Oh, here it goes. Watch this.

Who's this honky? And by the way, he fights mostly at 170. This is at 185, right? So he's not that lean because he didn't have to cut weight. Looks like little Jim Duggan. Look at this. Watch this. Is this COVID years?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Watch this shit. Oh, that guy knew it was coming. Bro. You can see it in his eyes. Oh, my God.

Dangerous motherfucker. It wasn't even a counter, was it? He's dangerous. No, it was one straight right hand. Terrified. He just closed him off. His first like three fights, he hadn't been hit.

He'd been hit twice. Yeah. He didn't even swing. One shot. He didn't swing. Well, he just caught him clean. He was avoiding it like I avoid homeless people.

Just wave, then I make a move. I was trying to find his... Easy. Come on, come on, come on. Mershardt's very good. Mershardt's just knocked out Bruno Silva. He's really good.

But this is why this is the best... For that guy to knock that guy out? Yeah. That's a big deal. That's why it's the best sport, though, because, like, I'm not a big football guy, not a big basketball guy, but I love this because you get to know the guy. Like, that Hamza guy is a fucking psycho weirdo. He probably had a crazy childhood.

You see Khabib wrestling a pair. Oh, he had a crazy childhood. Yeah, you're like... He's from Chechnya, bro. That's what's fun about it. Those are hard-ass people. They were my father. Ah, he had a crazy childhood. Yeah, you're like, that's what's fun about it. Those are hard-ass people. There was my father. Ah, Nate, bro.

Las Vegas, kids. Nate, such a personality. I knew I was going to get drunk and gay for Nate. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Is that Skankfest weekend? No. No. You wish.

A month after. A month before. This is next weekend. Damn. Skankfest is October in Vegas. Check it out. Next weekend, kids. That is Troomfest. What are you guys doing next weekend? Oh, Fergusonank Fest is October in Vegas. Check it out. Next weekend, kids. That is Troom Fest.

What are you guys doing next weekend? Oh, Ferguson. I think I'm with you. You going to fights? I'm going to this fucking thing. I thought we were going to this. I'm with Bert. We're going to this.

We talked about it. I'm doing the fully loaded makeup date. Yeah. Oh, what happened? No, that's this weekend. They got canceled? Is that this weekend? Yeah, this weekend.

Yeah. This weekend I'm going to Notre Dame, Ohio State. Fuck you, Jamie. It's next weekend. What's up, bro? This weekend you're doing it? Next weekend is the fights. Oh, Yeah, this weekend. Yeah. This weekend I'm going to Notre Dame, Ohio State. Fuck you, Jamie. It's next weekend. What's up, bro? This weekend you do it. Next weekend is the fights. Oh, well, hold on.

Let me check. Ninth and tenth. Ninth is the weigh-in. Tenth is the... I think I'm at a dumb club. Ah, you hate to hear. Richmond Funny Bone. Oh, man.

Oh, that hurts. I'm going to be getting knocked out. That's not even like a braggy one. You know what's funny? Yeah. I texted you going to be getting knocked out. That's not even a braggy one. You know what's funny? Yeah. I texted you as soon as this came out. Do you guys ever want to come to any of them? We should all get one before we schedule stuff.

How far out is the UFC schedule? Three, four events. Can I tell you one of my favorite experiences at UFC? It's when randomly we didn't get the good seats. Wait a minute. We always get the good seats. Say it. Okay.

We're way up there. Diaz brought acid and we're like, let's all do acid. Name? Oh, yes. Joey. Joey Diaz.

The third Diaz, brother. The honorary Diaz. But we're up there and we're like, I think Joey's calling you and you know we're on acid and you're like a little jealous but also like,

oh, I'm going to make some money here. Yeah, because I would bring them to the shows. They would party, and I'd be like, fuck, I wish I could party. That was the first time I met Nate. Me and him did a show in Brea or Irvine. Yeah, Irvine. I was like, oh, shit, I can go chill with Nate and his bros. And he was like, fuck, I gotta go.

He's like, I gotta do a fucking interview. I can't go out tomorrow. Or I can't go out tonight. I couldn't go out that night. Because if I went out till like 4 o'clock in the morning, I looked like hell warmed over. And then we went out. And then I'm tired. We got breakfast the next morning, and Joe was like, what was it like?

How was it? I wish I could have gone with you guys. It was the best night of my life. Wow, is that Turtle from Entourage? Who's that guy? It would have been fun. I love Nate. I love Nate.

I want to have him on the podcast. Let's go to the after party. Let's go to the after party. After party, why not? Let's go. Bring Cormier. Can we? Will you go?

I will go. We're in. Okay, we're in. I will go. Very exciting. So we're all up there. We're flipping out. And then Joe is like, hey, talking to Rogan.

And he's like, where are you guys? And we see him way down, like a dot. He's like, we're up in this section. He just looks around. And then he finally sees us. And Joe just starts, like, jumping up and down. Like, yeah, I see you guys. And then he goes back to calling fucking death matches.

Oh, my God. I haven't gone to see one live without being working, without being a commentator for 20 years. I went to the one in Austin. I had the fucking best time. Wow. Went on a double date with Hinchcliffe and his girl and my wife. We had the fucking best time, man. I invited a bunch of friends.

We all sat down. Brigham was there. What did I say? Where did you sit? I was right there on the fucking floor. Right in front of the cage. Oh the fucking floor Right in front of the cage It was amazing You've seen the reaction videos of you and shit

Those are so great When Leon knocked out Kamara It was just like pull it up You can't believe it's real That's the thing that that sport gives you What Lorenzo Fertitta called Oh shit moments. Yes.

Because every UFC card has an oh, shit moment. And that's why this sport is so fucking exciting. You don't see other sports where the commentator is also a fan. You've seen a monster. It's like you're looking at a monster coming at you. And because I love DC so much, when he freaks out about a fight and I freak out about a fight, we lock eyes together. It's like, what the fuck did we just see, bro?

That's beautiful. Watch this. Watch this when it turns. Watch when we look at each other like, what the fuck? We lock eyes to eyes. We're like, what the fuck did we just see, bro? What the fuck did we just see? He's a two-division world champion.

And it even affects him. that's how primal this sport watch this moment watch this moment watch this but watch when we look at each other like what the fuck watch this what the fuck did we just see what the fuck did we just see what the fuck did we just see nice job jaybo that's a moment those moments and you gotta realize that for that guy Nice job, J-Mo. Nailed it. Those moments. And you've got to realize that for that guy, he's a two-division world champion. And me, I've seen like a thousand fights. Even the women care. Everybody cares.

Everybody's freaked the fuck out. Look at Tony. How nice is that video of Leon's trainers talking to him? Oh, it's amazing. Like, come on, boy. Yeah, it's amazing. You've got to pull this out of the fucking fire. And they call him Rocky. There's one that's done to the Rocky soundtrack. Yeah, it's amazing. Like, come on, boy! Yeah, it's amazing. You gotta pull this out of the fucking fire! And they call him Rocky. There's one that's done to the Rocky soundtrack. Yeah, that's the best one.

Because that's his nickname is Rocky. He's talking, come on, Rocky! Put yourself out! You gotta make it ugly, Rocky! Stop feeling bad for yourself! Bro, and he lands the greatest head kick in the history of combat sports. The most consequences. That was the most consequences. A down in a fight with the world champion Don't let it bully you Leon! Don't let it bully you son! Sit down! Sit down! Sit down!

Listen! Listen! You gotta get f***ing out Leon! Wow Come on, come on, let them control you too Wow God damn Do you see what happens? Yeah I've seen the fight, I've seen this

That's a corner man right there That's a f***ing corner man right there. That's a fucking corner man right there. Whoever his corner man is, he's nuts. Listen to this. Stop feeling sorry. You gotta pull this shit out of the fire. This is incredible. Unreal.

Damn, that's cool. Holy shit. That goes a long way. Especially when... Boom. Oh, textbook. Textbook. There's a relationship that fighters have with their trainers.

There's a relationship that some fighters have with their trainers. It's very special. That's your coach. Of course. If your coach is screaming at you in the corner like that, and you go out it's very special. It's like that's your coach. Of course. If your coach is screaming at you in the corner like that, and you go out there and do it. It's like a parent. It lines it up.

See, I have a theory that fighters, we're kind of like fighters, but with cities. You know, like I need a corner man in Syracuse. When I'm bobbing, I need a guy being like the funny bone. You got this. Don't feel sorry for yourself. Don't feel sorry for yourself. Yeah, their arms are crossed. They're looking at their phones, but you got this don't feel sorry for yourself their arms are crossed they're looking at their phones but you gotta go out there round one knockout like hey how's everyone doing well mate they hate me they gotta do some crowd work

go dirtier say fuck more put firemen! Teddy Atlas. Teddy Atlas is the fucking man. 30 seconds. The fire's coming. doesn't bother us. We live in the heat. We train in the heat. It tells us that we're ready. We're at home. We're where we're supposed to be. Flames don't intimidate us. What do we do? We control the flame.

He's really getting to it. We move the flame where we want to. And then we extinguish it. That guy gets knocked out. That's Timothy Bradley. One punch. Dude, you know what?

Greg Jackson used to always ask me about like what do you do and like if the comedy is not going well or if something happens like how do you like change I'm like why do you

keep asking me these questions Because he's interested in psychology Yeah he goes all art forms have unique like things that are true to all art forms and he goes

if I can understand what comedians have to go through I can apply that to fighting That's why Miyamoto Musashi would study calligraphy and poetry. Damn.

Yeah. That was his idea, that you could see the way in everything. It would help him, greatest sword fighter that ever lived. Really? Killed 60 people in one-on-one combat. What? Never heard of this guy. I would use a gun.

Yeah. That would be better than a sword. The greatest sword fighter of all time, I would go, bang. No thanks. From a distance. Indiana Jones. Indiana Jones. I'd be like, I haven't trained once.

Do you know that that was supposedly impromptu? You're better than me. The pen is mightier. Do you know supposedly that was impromptu? That scene? Yeah. Really? That when he pulled a gun out and shot him, that that was like an ad-lib?

No. Oh, really? What a great scene. I'm making fun of that's true, because someone told me that. Good improv. Hilarious improv. Yeah, hilarious improv. That was a great scene. I'm making fun of that's true because someone told me that. Good improv. Hilarious improv. Yeah, hilarious improv.

That was a great way to handle something like that. I heard that it was supposed to be some sort of crazy choreographed thing where the guy swings a sword and he misses, but then he just tried it. And just walked away. And it worked. Harrison Ford's like, bang, I'll just shoot this dude. How about that Anheish? Tunisia.

To say it's true? Tunisia. I want to go to Tunisia. No, you don't. You know what the capital of Tunisia is? I have to listen to the to Tunisia. No, you don't. You know what the capital of the story about that vaccine? I have to listen to the interview to listen to this. You don't? Does it say it was at?

It's five minutes long. Oh, we can't do that. Is it Tunisia City? It just says we've been shooting. I think it's Tunisia City. Oh, here it is. We were supposed to shoot this huge fight between the whip and the sword. It took the whole morning just to shoot three storyboards.

At lunch, Marshall went to talk to director Spielberg to explain the production was taking longer than anticipated. The brief meeting turned out to be impetus for Hollywood history. Ford was not feeling well, and talk emerged to nix the big fight in lieu of something a bit quicker. Okay, so no one will say who said what, and then somehow somebody said, I've got this gun, why don't I just use it? And then somehow somebody said, I've got this gun.

Why don't I just use it? And so the guy, whoever the instigator, the idea got the ball rolling. After lunch, we did three shots. And we were two days ahead of schedule. And it's the biggest moment in the movie. There you go. Yeah, sometimes it's better. Sometimes it's a funny punchline to just pull out a gun and say, get that fucking stupid sword out of my face.

That's how dumb movies are. You can just fucking improv something and do better. Well, it's like a bit. You ever write like a bit for six months and it's getting eh and then you riff one thing after it, it kills and you're like,

damn it, really? Damn it. I'm not a good writer. Do you do anything else other than comedy that you really like to do? I used to. Do you have another hobby

or anything? Skateboarding was like my love. Skateboarding. I loved it, but you get so old and you get banged up and it's hard to keep up. I like traveling. I like getting lost in the world. Yeah, I know you love travel. But you get so old and you get banged up and it's hard to keep up. I like traveling.

I like getting lost in the world. Yeah, I know you love travel. That's like a sport for you almost. Yeah. I think that's important for comics. I think it's important for everybody to have other stuff that you're into. Yeah. But I think there's a thing, almost like a cross-training element to it of doing other

stuff that I think applies to stand-up. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? Skateboarding is the same. It's just you work on a trick over and over and over and you finally nail it. Then you can do it like second nature. It's amazing with boarders, too, when it's like

you see the videos. Try, try, try, try, try, fail, fail, fail, fail, fail. And then hit it. Now I'll hit it every time. Yeah, exactly. It's like a bit. You gotta just keep tweaking it. Oh, don't pull it. This is embarrassing. Is that Tompkins? Yeah, these kids hit me up and they run a skateboard magazine. They're like't pull this. It's embarrassing. Look at you. That's my apartment. That's Tompkins. Is that Tompkins? Tompkins, yeah.

These kids hit me up, and they're like, they run a skateboard magazine. They're like, we heard you used to skate. We'll take you out. That's great. And we did it. I'm so rusty, but this is my whole life. Damn, Mark! Wow, dude.

Damn, Mark! I mean, this is sloppy as hell. What? We used to do this from like 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. growing up. You were the fucking rail slide. It was my whole life. You know, we had no internet. We just did all these. to 9 p.m. growing up. You've been a fucking rail slide. It was my whole life. You know, we had no internet. We just did all these.

It was fun. Now there's all these young kids out there. Wow, you're really good. That's pretty impressive. But look how hurt I am. I'm a mess. Yeah, you should probably be a pair of the Solos. I landed it.

You landed it. It's a 50-50 pop shove it out. That's what I was going to say. That's what she said. But, like, nobody was watching. That's what I was going to say. That's what she said. But, like, nobody was watching. We just do it for each other. You know, you jump down stairs, you slide down a rail. I like the camaraderie in skating where as soon as somebody hits it,

everybody runs in and hugs them. And it's everyone trying to be the first. It doesn't matter. Just somebody nailed it. Yes. And everyone's like, yes. Do you think it's like that four-minute mile thing? And once someone breaks it, then other people know they can do it?

Tony Hawk, the 900. Once he did it, kids are doing that shit at skate parks. Like, 10-year-old kids are doing 900s now. Don't you think that applies? Yeah. Doesn't that apply to everything? Doesn't that apply to comedy, too? Yes.

Like, when someone really is awesome and kills it, and they have, like, an insane special, and then everybody's like, whoa. That's it. That was great. And everybody ramps up. Or when you see someone coming to the comedy show like Chris Rock or something

and he just fucking crushes. Oh yeah. And everybody like, whoa. It elevates everybody. Yeah. I think that's why school shootings keep happening.

I think it's the, I'm serious. I think it's the, what do you call it, the coffee cat. The one-upsmanship. Yeah, like he did it, I can do it.

I can do more than eight. You're 100% correct. It's not the, what's wrong with society today? No, it's just go, oh, one kid did it, I'll do it. I can do more than eight. You're 100% correct. It's not the, what's wrong with society today? No, it's just go, oh, one kid did it, I'll do it. Or we're drugging up the kids. A preponderance of mental illness. There's a lot, I mean, it's all mentally ill people.

That's 100% of the problem. And American Marksmanship is number one. I mean, there's a lot of debate about what the tools are used, but at the end of the day, it's 100% the problem is that there's mentally ill people that are capable of doing that But weren't there mentally ill people in? 1955 I didn't school. I think there's also the thing that we're doing on just like a skateboarding Turn once something gets done just like a skateboarding trick people realize how it can be done. They start doing it I think that's just a natural thing of humans with everything we do whether it's things we love or even things that we hate

There's like a thing where someone does something and someone wants to do it better. That's why war is so fucking scary. Because if one nation shows that they're willing to kill your people indiscriminately, you can show that you're willing to kill all their people. And today, that's a real possibility. That's why when you see some shit that's happening in Ukraine,

that's like the bar fight outside of the pub that turns into a fucking world war. That's like this Ukraine, that's like the bar fight outside of the pub that turns into a fucking world war. That's like this little scrap that you go, you gotta keep your eye on that, because this could be a fucking gang fight, and if you run out of the house with the wrong affiliation, you get gunned down in a drive-by. Like, that happens

all over the world, right? We know that happens. That could happen everywhere in the world. That's what we're fucking terrified of now. We were talking about earlier about people not understanding what other countries are like. Like, man, they don't have any say in what the fuck goes down. They got zero say. We have a little say. We have more say than anybody else.

More say than anybody else. It's still corrupted and fucked up. We got the most say. And it's us going, what the fuck that's going to save this thing? It's like, that's one of the only things that's going to save this thing is people realizing like, this is crazy. Yeah. Isn't it crazy? Like, I was just in Portland, Maine.

I'm looking at my hotel window. I'm on the ninth floor. And there's a big barracks on an island with like all these holes in a wall for cannons. That was the whole thing was just people are going to try to kill us and we got to kill them first. Be ready to fight them off. That was the whole thing. People are going to try to kill us, and we've got to kill them first. We're ready to fight them off. That was every form of life. When I say us, I don't mean us. You think? Yeah, but we don't need

a fort with cannons. We just have a missile defense system. It's the exact same thing. It's always been that. When I say us, I mean most rational people that are listening to this and understand what the fuck we're saying. I don't mean us in this room. I mean most people who listen to this are like, what the fuck is going on?

What are we doing? Yeah. There's going to come a point in time. What did you do? I don't know. Jay, you gave me this fucking eagle bong. Funnel? You're a funnel?

It works. I got a piss. You have to do one. You're a history guy. Will you report? Do you ever anticipate a time where there's not a thing like nations, where people control giant chunks of land and they have rules? I don't know.

It hasn't been yet. Is it ever possible? I don't know. It hasn't been yet. Is it ever possible? I think it is. If you break down barriers, bottom up power, and you break down barriers, like, hey, let's all just vote. Right, but here's the question.

Do you think it would ever be a decentralized one world government, or would it be a centralized one world government? Because that's like some world economic forum scary shit. I think think probably both over there so that's the battle right the battle is for to figure out whether or not we all run this thing in a way that works well for everybody yeah we let people run it in a way that works well for them because that's what we're doing again say that again or we let people run it in a way that works well for them so run the whole world in a world in a way that works well for them. So run the whole world in a way that works well for everybody.

Like some sort of a distribution of resources, fix places that are economically fucked up, or let the people that are profiting the most run it in a way that benefits them, which is what they've always done. I think it's a battle back and forth. Right, exactly. The down was like, we want to be represented. So who wins?

And the top is like, no, we just want our own shit. So who wins? I don't know. America is pretty perfect if the people up top aren't bought. But they're all bought. But they are. They're always bought. Now they are.

That's like, all my girlfriends would be great if they weren't hookers. But they're all hookers. Yeah, I know. Imagine if you're only dating hookers. Yeah, but the next one might not be a hooker. Maybe. That's like the idea of a smart 10. Where it's like, nah, you're just never going to get that.

You never get a politician who's not corruptible. You're going to get a smart 10 where it's like not you're just never gonna get that you never get a politician Who's like not corruptible? You're gonna get a smart ten these do you're not gonna get is someone who has the character of someone who? Grew up unattractive. Okay, right what right you're not gonna get the character of some attractive You don't get a Joey Diaz if he's beautiful, right? You know Joey Diaz if he's like this guy's not that good-looking He's got a fucking fantastic personality. But you keep thinking it's possible. Like, there's got to be an uncorrupted politician.

But it's like, nah, really. I don't think there's any of them that are totally uncorrupted. But there's got to be some of them that have morals that are more in line with keeping society healthy as possible while also getting rich. Because they all get rich. Are you going to make him do this? He'll be fine. He's not going to be fine. He's going to be cold. I they all get rich. Are you going to make him do this? He'll be fine. He's not going to be fine. It's going to be cold.

I'm a grown up. He's already had three and two whiskeys. Uh-oh. Do it for the troops, dude. Do we have a cooler nearby? We need Ari. Oh, it's for true. Coming out in October.

We need Ari to get like a rascal to get out of here. It's going to be a little chilly, but you got it. Look at that. How fun and easy that is. Joe, you're next. I love how you're drinking out of an eagle's asshole. There you go. Yes. I'll and easy that is. Joe, you're next. I love how you're drinking out of an eagle's asshole. There you go. Yes.

I'll do one of those. Yeah. God bless America. Aren't eagles scavengers? They're bald. Kind of. I'm not scared of Ari's E. coli either because I had wine earlier. You should be scared of the herpes.

It's all in that mustache. I already have lip herpes, so good luck. Do you? Yeah, I got the lip. I had it since I was a child. Let me do mine before his. Cold sores? I had it since I was a child. Let me do mine before his. I had them since I was a little kid. I was getting them in fifth grade.

I don't even remember when I got them. I never won. Do you think you got those from grandma kissing you? No, I got those from my dad drinking out of the fucking orange juice. Oh. My dad ate them. Herpes is disgusting. If you're in a house with people in the 60s and 70s and 80s and 90s

Nobody thought about that You have herpes I've never had one on my lip I bet I'm on my dick Hold on Really? No, I'm joking Mark Norman, ladies and gentlemen

I can't believe I never had herpes America Fuck yeah Coming to save Have fun Thank you I mean, America is the best America is the best America is the best

Dude I was just in Australia It's the best place I've ever lived I was just in Australia And it was also cool Anytime I go to another country I get there and I'm like I love Australia What do you guys do

Australia fucking Australia might be number two Australia's awesome Australia might be number two I talked to my wife about that I would go shit goes totally sideways And we're involved in like Some serious war

What the fuck is this dude You might need to move to France yeah save some for later I bet it's more in that so cold. I bet there's more in there. That's why are you that gay? I've been done you know I've been done. He's taking sips We need Norman to do the whole vibe Norman's gonna do one of those in the cold plunge We should do a show in New Zealand, I'm down let's go fuck New Zealand up We gotta take like a week and a half let's go see this. I always like've got to take like a week and a half there, though. Let's go. See the silo. Ari's like, we've got to move there for at least three months.

Don't want to absorb the culture. We've got to live with people in a hostel. We're not going to New Zealand for two days. Ari's like, we can't just turn around and come home. We're coming right back. I was saying that with Mark about we sold the club. I was like, yo, we'll get a house down here for at least a month. For a month?

Do the club? Yeah, do a month of workouts. Let's fucking go. Let's get a nice house for a month or two. Let's stop for a moment. That a month, do the club. Yeah, do a month of workouts. That'd be fun. That club is a banger. Let's fucking go. That's a nice house for a month or two. Club looks good. Yeah. Let's stop for a moment. That club looks good, dude.

It's exciting. Killer. Killer club. Shout out to Louis C.K. for giving me some solid advice on how to finish it. Yeah. He has some awesome advice. It's going to be great. Yeah, we'll do some writing in there.

The stage is too low. Watch this, Norm. This is how a man does it. It is cold. It is cold. It is cold. Damn, Joe. Holy shit. Oh, Joe Rogan.

Man. Oh, the Photoshop. Say what, dude? Holy shit. That was really something. That's how a man does it. Say what, dude? I like to enjoy the pulsner.

You just conquer your inner bitch and just suck it down. Damn. Holy hell. Dude, I got some advice for a cold plunge. Some guy who listens to your podcast a bunch, he goes, I'm like, here's how you do it. Say, I'm a fucking warrior. Cold means nothing to me.

Go! I was like, okay. But you'd be like, well, clearly that's not true. So why am I fucking lying to myself? We've got other problems that aren't going to be solved by this fucking cold plunge. How are we going to go into an existential crisis if you haven't lied to yourself? Damn, that feels like college. You got you.

That woke me up. You want another one? If you can do it, it'll make your life better. If you can get in that thing every day, it'll make your life better. It really will. It's good for the organs. It's good for your brain. It's good for your brain.

It makes you happy. When you get out of there, you feel really good. A big part of people's problem, I think, is inflammation. And there's something that happens with cold exposure, where there's this wild rush of blood after it's over, and your brain produces norepinephrine and all these beautiful chemicals that make you feel good while you're warming up. You feel fucking great, dude. Really?

If it was a pill, if getting in a cold plunge every day was a pill, everybody would be on it. I'm telling you. It's funny. Three minutes. Three minutes a day. You ever do Adderall? No.

That's our shit rules. Adderall in the fucking cold plunge would be the shit. Adderall rules. You ever do Adderall? No. That's our shit rules. Adderall in the fucking cold punch. Adderall rules. I got to tell you what's up. You got Adderall? I got some in my apartment. I've never done. I've done stand-up like twice on Adderall. Oh, you're so quick.

Bomb. No, I bomb. Oh. You and me are way different. We're different. Joey said that. I was on the other side. Joey said that about Coke.

Maybe I just thought I was killing. Joey said that about Coke. He said he couldn I was killing. Joey said that about Coke. He said he couldn't do Coke and do stand-up. He said, I can't connect with the audience. I can't do Adderall and do stand-up. What did you feel? Little dick. What's new, pussycat?

Easy money. What is it, though? I don't know. Everything's serious. Ah, yeah, good way to put it. When you take Adderall, there's nothing funny. Sure. Now flip that to Molly on stage.

Molly, the first time I did Molly, I was on stage. Wow. Big Jay brought me on stage. Wow. It was my show in Philly. I was there. COVID shows. You were there. It was the first time you did Molly. No, no. Or one. Wow. It was my show in Philly. I was there. COVID shows. You were there.

It was the first time you did, Molly. No, no. One of them. How blasted were you? It was right when it hit. So we just took it. Wow. It was the first time it ever hit me in my life.

Oh, my God. I was hosting this show in Philly. It was at Helium in Philly, and they were letting us hang out during COVID. It was the only place we could party. So we would do a show once a month. Every two weeks we would go do a show. And then we did Molly and Big Jay was like, Shane, come back out here.

And I came back out and I was, right when he said, Shane, come back out here, I was in the green room and just a wave hit me. And I was like, holy shit. Like, I never felt that. And then I went on stage and I, like, couldn't show my face. I was like... Yeah, it wasn't pretty. But it was all

fans. It was all fans. So they all saw you do stand-up. Oh, yeah. I mean, they were there for me. Like, it was my show. Oh, that's perfect. But they were like, we love you. And I was like... Did you tell them you were on Molly? Yeah, of course. That's perfect. You can't not say that. I was like, I'm on Ecstasy. Oh, that's perfect. But they were like, we love you. And I was like. Did you tell them you were on Molly? Yeah, of course. That's perfect.

You can't not say that. I was like, I'm on ecstasy. I'm high as shit. I went on stage once on Acid and I told the audience and I could feel them tense up. Because they're like, ooh, how's it going? I go on Acid right now. And they were like. Well, were you headlong?

No, no. It was a set at the store. I wouldn't do like a whole hour on Acid. That would be nuts. That's weird. It seems like they'd be like, oh, this is fun. Yeah. No, it was a set at the store I wouldn't do like a whole hour on acid That would be nuts That's weird, it seems like they'd be like, oh, this is fun No, it was fun But there was a moment where they're like, oh my god, are you gonna go crazy? Because acid's one of those

Molly's not like, you're not gonna scream and run I go, I'm fine It's like a really low dose, I'm just really happy you're all here And then I just went into the material But there was a weird moment where it was like Oh no When you tell people you're all here. And then I just went into the material, but there was a weird moment where it was like, oh no. Like I could feel. When you tell people you're on mushrooms, they go, oh, you're silly.

You're on acid. It's like, oh my God, are you a Manson? What are you going to do? Are you going to go crazy? Michael Richards should have said that. I was on acid. If he had a good PR person, that's the perfect excuse. Perfect way out. He was on acid.

Yeah. I fucked up. I'm deeply sorry. This is a dangerous drug. We need to ban it from society. Yeah, never do it again. But acid is the one, right? That's the one that people associate with going crazy.

Going crazy. It's getting stuck that way. Acid's getting stuck that way, they say. Right. That's the guy from the who? Townsend? Tommy? No. What was it? Pink say. Right. That's the guy from The Who. Townsend? Tommy? No.

What was it? Pink Floyd. Sorry. Pink Floyd. The guy lost his mind. Roger Waters. No. Keith Moon, right?

Yeah. Moon is- Wish you were here. It's about him, right? Yeah. It's about acid. Yeah. Yeah.

Who else? A bunch of people have gone cuckoo from acid, right? Yeah. I think so. I mean- Ted Kaczynski. That guy. Whitey Bulger. Sid Barrett. You want to talk MKUltra? Yeah, I think so. Oh, Ted Kaczynski? That guy. Whitey Bulger? Sid Barrett? You want to talk MKUltra?

Sid Barrett. Him too, huh? Fuck off with your fucking sign-up. Oh, so Sid Barrett was the psych... Oh, he was the one who went crazy. No, but it was also Pink Floyd. Roger Waters. I thought it was Rolling Stones. Never mind. So who did we think it was? Who did we think it was also Pink Floyd I thought it was Rolling Stones

Nevermind So who did we think it was? Who did we think it was? You said who My memory is good for 13 seconds I kept hitting that joint I'm like, Rogan, what are you doing? You see, the joint will get you

You have to host this thing The joint's not good, always So do you feel like you're hosting? No We're talking. We're hanging. Yeah, we're hanging. But I can't ruin it. How do you not pee? I have an extraordinary bladder. He's not drinking that much.

I know, but it's four fucking hours. Well, I had one of these Black Rifle coffees. I had... Fifth whiskey here. I had a little bit of coffee. A bunch of whiskeys. I had the beer. Yeah, bodega cat. You're going to have to pee in a minute. Liquid IV.

No, I could last for hours. That beer will get you. We'll see. Here's the thing. I've done this so long. We'll see. I guess we'll see. You want to have a pee off?

Yes, definitely. Let's just drink a glass of water every 20 minutes. You and I? Yeah, you and I. I would take that. This is actually one challenge. You and I physically, I would be like, all right, I can do that. You've already peed twice.

No, listen, listen. No sticks? One glass of water. One glass like this of water every 20 minutes. I would take that. Got a pitcher. No problem. We used to play Edward Scissorhands.

Edward Fortyhands. I'll bury you. All right. Well, here's the thing. I could last for days. Yeah, but here's the thing. You're more of a psycho, so you'll be- That's true.

You'll be like, I'm not peeing. You're more of a psycho, so you'll be... That's true. I'm ready to survive internal damage. I'll take a couple of days. You will survive that. I'll take a few rounds of antibiotics. I think we should do one more eagle bong. Okay, let's go. You don't want any of my water challenge. Oh, watch out.

Because I have to pee. Again? That's like nine pisses. Who's worse than Ari? No one. He is like a cat, dude. He pees. He is like those cats he looks like. He looks like those cats.

He looks exactly like them. When they have that one cat next to his face. Those cats look exactly like him. It's a hilarious meme. What did they call it? Somebody had a funny line. No, I mean, that's a specific type of cat. It was like Purry Shafir or something.

Something stupid like that. Safari Shafir. I don't know, but he does look just like those weird cats. He looks exactly like them. They're like weird African felines. Dude, Jamie. I can just, like, fucking hold my pee for the longest time. Look at that.

Am I crazier? Does this look dead? Look at that. That is dead on. Oh, look, this is me looking at it in the corner. Like, what the fuck, Ari? Those cats couldn't look more like him. Wow, weird.

Perfect representation of him. Oh, there's a driver, Adam Driver. Adam Driver also looks like a cat. He's an odd-looking guy. Actually, hold on. Go back to that cat next to Ari. That cat looks more like Adam Driver. Oh, yeah.

True. There you go. That brown one looks like Ari. Look at that. That's more accurate than Ari, even. He's kind of cat-like. Yeah, that's a kooky-looking. Brown one looks like Ari. Look at that. That's more accurate than Ari even. Because he's kind of cat-like. Yeah. That's a kooky looking dude.

Go back to Ari. See, he has more of a rounded head at the top, like the cat. See, the reason why that looks less like you than Adam Driver, because your head is narrow all the way up. Adam Driver has this sort of, he's got this different shaped head, almost like a cat. Go back to the Adam Driver picture. It's the fucking, all the fucking beards. At least you get cats, dude.

I literally just get cats. Yeah, go back to Adam Driver. More like it, because he's thicker at the top of the head. I see it. And he comes down to a point. Whereas Ari stays sort of narrow the whole way up. Whoa, that's Ari. That's pretty close. That's a Jewish cat. That's my new merch. Pretty close. It's just that cat. point whereas Ari stays like sort of narrow the whole way up but someone would sue you

Oh, you were serious? That's an awesome shirt. I thought you were fucking around. Dude, Monroe Martin saw that. He goes, how did you Photoshop a cat to look like that? I'm like, no, no, dude. That's just a cat. I thought you were joking. But you got a good look.

I know girls who think you're hot. It's rare, but it's there. I mean, I'm in a one. You're funny. Speaking of funny, your fucking special is going to come out in October. I think it's your best shit In October I think it's your Best shit ever I think it's your

Best shit ever Really We went to see you At the creek in the cave I was fucking laughing Really hard I was so glad You brought that thing back

Thanks Cause you were ready To like kind of Abandon that whole chunk I had to move on With my life But it was like I think this is still

Ready to be Yeah dude It was better Even better than When I saw him When you were running At the store I agree It's better Well Even better than when I saw him when you were running it at the store. I agree. It's better.

Well, he's in New York, dude. He's in New York. Is that better? He's not in fucking Gayville. I was always in New York, though. Here? Me? What's Gayville?

LA, bro. LA. No, it was cool taking time off. How's LA gay? LA's gay. Well, you get some good feedback in New York. I feel like it's more real. You don't get good feedback in L.A.?

Audience feedback. You guys don't go there. I've been to L.A. many a time. Done the improv, done the store, done the laugh factory. If you're in the scene, you get the same kind of feedback that you get in New York. It's mixed. You should do more leg kicks. It's mixed.

You should dance more. In New York, there's more people who don't give a fuck. And be like, that wasn't very good. Well, that's probably good for a lot of people. What is she doing? That's good for you. And I feel like New York comics do the road more. There's a little bit of an unnecessary attitude that comes with New York that I find a little pretentious.

There's a little aggressive attitude, but not quite at the point of violence. There's always this like three-quarter violence sort of attitude that a lot of people just like generally accept in New York. Please throw up. Oh, he might yack. He didn't make it to the end. Easy, big fella. Did you make it?

Ew, dude. Ew, Ari. Why'd you make the eagle shake? Don't puke. Don't puke, dude. You made the eagle come out of its ass. Doning. Hey, Lori. Why'd you make the eagle shit gay, dude? You made the eagle come out of its ass. That's right. Shit gay. That's a funny way to put it. You made the eagle shit gay.

Yeah, there's some attitude in New York, but that's just one of the small parts of New York. But comics keep each other in check in New York, which L.A. does not. You see some shit in L.A. where you go. Joe Mackey going like, that wasn't very funny. The store did. I've seen that before. But Ari, the store did. When you were there, everybody kind of kept everybody in check.

Back before the success. That was the 80s. When was the success? It was right when Eager got there. Before the success, it was more like, hey, you need to work on that shit. What year are we talking about? Right when I moved to L.A. So 2012, 13.

This time really suck it down. Don't be gay about it. So when did, what was the big change? If I could, I would. I'm trying. Hold on, just do it. What? Freedom funnel.

We were having three different conversations. Hold on, what? What was the big change, do you think? Success. Success made everybody go, I don't want to piss anybody off because people all can help me. Before the Comedy Store, it was a failure hut. So the biggest comics there were you and Bobby Lee. Everybody go, I don't want to piss anybody off because people all can help me. Before the Comedy Store was a failure hut.

So the biggest comics there were you and Bobby Lee. Bobby was on Mad TV, and that was the biggest we got. Okay, so this is pre-2007. This is like 2004. Yeah, but even after that. Until 2012 when Ego took over and all the big stars came. When the lineups were Silverman, Spade, Fitzsimmons, you, Ron White. I didn't go back until 2014. Yeah.

That's when I came back. When I came back, it was already killing it because I went to see Roast Battle. Yeah. And that was one of the things. I went to see Ari, first of all. That was the big one. The big thing for me was that Ari was going to film his Comedy Central special there, and there was not a fucking chance in hell I wasn't going to be there.

Yeah. Good friend. I really liked you being there for that. That was in hell I wasn't going to be there. Yeah, good friend. That was nice. I hadn't been there in seven years. I'm never going back. I was like, they can suck my dick until the end of time. But when Ari told me he was there, I was like, that's more important to me.

Your new special, dude, the last hour you've been running is fucking... I'm very excited to see it. I didn't watch. I mean, once you did the Kobe joke, I was out on you. Where'd you get that mask? What do you mean?

Oh. Not from this studio. You brought a mask? It was right here. So I came back in 2014 to watch that, and I had to go the day before. I said, I can't just be here the night that Ari Films is special. A little bit of distraction.

Because I'll be freaked out. I go, I need to be here for this. Like in my mind, in my head. So I went the day before and I went and watched Roast Battle and it was so fun and so creative. It was a high to Roast Battle. There was a feeling.

It was, first of all, it was so underground but it was packed. It was wrestling. Because it was like the cool people knew about it. It was underground first of all, it was so underground, but it was packed because it was like the cool people knew about it. It was underground wrestling. And you would go up there and the way Brian Moses, the way he hosted is so beautiful. Brian Moses. He's the fucking man.

Great guy. He's a great guy. He's funny, but also he's nice. So he's like, at the end, we hug it out. Everybody, here's the rules. Don't touch each other, but at the end, we all hug it out. And he does this thing. And everyone's like, yeah.

So this is fun. So he sets the tone. You're going to talk shit. You're going to say some horrible things about each other. But it's going to be fun. And we were fucking crying. And I remember being up there. And I forget who all was with us at the time.

Because I was just so overwhelmed by being there. And this moment. And it must have been a lot, too. It was like, that's your home home. It's not just a place you haven't been. It's your home home. And then it was like, I haven't been here for a fucking five, six, seven years. Wow.

You gotta realize, dude, when I was in 1988, when I started doing stand-up- Holy shit. You started doing comedy in 88? 88. Was that even a year? Wow. That's when I was born. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. That's when I started. That's when I started. Was that even a year? Wow. That's when I was born. Yeah, yeah. That's when I started talking. That's when I started.

When I was in Boston, we talked about the comedy store like it was Mecca. Really? It was Mecca. Pryor. It was Mecca. There was Richard Pryor, Sam Kinison, Dice Clay. That cool thing that everyone forgets about that, when you go on the OR stage, you're standing right where Pryor stood.

I stood after him. Wow. I did shows after him. Really? I followed Pryor for like five, six weeks in a row. What? Yes. I didn't know that.

I followed Martin Lawrence in his prime and ate plates of shit. Plates of shit. It's one of the most horrendous bombings I ever incurred in my entire life. Wow. Yeah, I mean, Chris Rock said that. He had to follow Martin Lawrence. He featured for him.

That changed Chris Rock's act. He said, I was doing too many shows for white people. Really patient white people. All of a sudden, he's doing these shows after Martin Lawrence. Dude, people don't remember. Martin Lawrence in the 90s was a murderer. With that leather outfit. Walking into a pussy.

He was a murderer. I had to follow him when he was wearing a leather jumpsuit. Oh, wow. Leather Martin. I was this 27-year-old dumbass from fucking Boston. You were 27? Yes. Oh, my God.

That was terrible. Wow. Bro, my comedy was straight dog shit. Oh, my God. I had like three good blowjob jokes, and I'm following Martin Lawrence in the main room at the store. Holy shit. I could see them turning on you, like,

want to hear a short saga? Instantaneously. Instantaneously. Dude, it was, like, three quarters of the audience would leave immediately. I'm not kidding. That hurts. You're dealing with walkouts as you're getting on. Like, please, attention.

No, no, no. You just had to accept it. I had to accept it. Anybody who was any good at how to go on after him, Mitzi was ruthless. That's why she's right there, man. She did it on purpose. That's why she's right there. That's her fine ass out there.

That's her. That's Mitzi. She does look good. That's Taylor Bowles. Taylor made that. Very generous rendition. She was a fucking. No, no. That's what she looked like when she. Taylor made that. Very generous rendition. She was a fucking... no, no, that's what she looked like when she was young, man.

Come on. That's a photo of her when she was young. Oh, good. By the way, you can see the see-through fucking... she's trying to show her tits off to everybody. Yeah, dude, that's like an artistic rendition. It's not totally accurate, but it's pretty close. It's not inaccurate either. It's not inaccurate. She was a beautiful lady when she was young.

Alright. That's the godmother. Everybody says. That's her, right there. Oh, yeah, well, I can see it. Yeah, that's not inaccurate. She was a beautiful lady when she was young. Alright. That's the godmother. Everybody says. That's her right there. Oh yeah, well I can see it. Yeah, that's exactly it. There you go. Is it the full photo where it shows the shirt she's wearing? That's the one I knew. The one on the left right there in the black. That's the Missy I knew. There's a full

photo of it. She was fucking wild. That's what I heard. She was a great lady man. God, she was fucking so opinionated. She was so important. But then you hear all the stories like, hey, you gotta bring a banana on stage. So that what I heard. She was a great lady, man. God, she was fucking so opinionated. She was so important. But then you hear all those stories like, hey, you got to bring a banana on stage. So that's the original. Here's what that is. That's the original.

That's the original. Oh, yeah, yeah. Here's what that is. When Mitzi said, you got to bring a banana on stage, that's her exasperated going, I don't know. Exactly. Fucking. Exactly.

You sell bananas on week. Talk about that. I don't know. Dude, I had moved to LA. I was on a television show. And I didn't give a fuck. Hardball? News radio?

Hardball. I just wanted to be at the store. And I was an unpaid regular. So I'd go on every night after Carlos Mencia. Every night. Late. So the hatred was building. Early.

I was just watching this nonsense. I became friends with him initially. He murdered. He murdered. He murdered with other people's shit. To follow it. He's still murdering. It was also like it was the end of the night. It was like a long show.

And you just had to grind it out. If you wanted to be a paid regular in 94, you just had to grind it out. And I got to watch all. There was no one there. That was what was crazy. You would go there and Damon Wayans would go up in front of 20 people. It's crazy. And you would be like, this is the most insane thing I've ever seen in my life.

I saw a dice score for two people. Dude, I had seen Damon Wayans' HBO specials. Damon Wayans is one of the best comics that's ever lived. I was a huge fan growing up. If you watch him when he's in his prime, go back and watch The Last Stand. Go back and watch The Last Stand. It's fucking phenomenal. And he says, like, I'm done with stand-up.

I'm going to be a movie star. He drops the mic and he walks away. It's The Last Stand. That's how he kind of ended for a while. It's like Jeff Mangold. He needed better friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He needed someone like us to go, Damon, Damon, you're one of the best fucking stand-ups.

Fuck these ABC sitcoms. Yeah. You should be doing stadiums. Well, Blank Man was a film. Arenas. Which one was Major Payne? That was him. All right.

How about the last Boy Scout? The last Boy Scout. I never even heard of that. Bruce Willis! Bruce Willis and Damon Wayans. It was a big blockbuster, like back in the day. It's a big movie. He was in Earth, Girls Are Easy.

He was in In Living Color, which is the second best sketch show ever. Next to Gillian Keys. Next to Gillian Keys. Oh, there he is with the floppy hat. I'm telling you, man. I'm telling you. Damon Wayans back then.

And this was like 1990. 1990. I'm telling you right now. He was a fucking monster. What a simple design for a stage. You have to understand how long ago this was. This was 32 years ago. Can you imagine

being in a family that does stand-up? That's wild. This is 32 years ago. Sean Wayans, Marlon Wayans, How about fucking Keenan Ivory Wayans who made movies. He made movies, he made In Living Color,

and I'm Gonna get you, sucker. Yeah, yeah. And then on top of that, he was a fucking talk show host. Damn, he smashed it. Look at the Jew's name coming up. And he was the reason why I started doing commentary for the UFC. Damon Wayans? Yes! No, Keenan Ivory Wayans.

Oh. Why? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's such a funny way to stop doing stand-up. Smashing him while he can be like, I'm done. I'm sorry. It's such a funny way to stop doing stand-up. Smashing them all. You can be like, I did it. I did it. But that's because it's scary. It's so funny.

You want to say, I did it. I'm done. No. I never want to do it again. I did it. I'm done. Well, stand-up's hard. I prefer that.

Go out and I'm done. I'm still very good. Then the withering away of a lot of us. No, you got to wither away, bro. Fuck withering away. You don't want to wither. You don't want us. No, you gotta wither away, bro. Fuck withering away! Let's go! Fuck withering away! Fuck another beer.

I'll do four more. And you'll have to pee before me. Watch me. I'm here all night. Let's see who pees first. This competitive cunt, he can't stop. You're going to the hospital tonight, Shane.

I dare you to try. Have you seen his record of beers? He's not going anywhere. I would love it. I was on the Keenan Ivory Wayans show. Really? I was talking shit about Steven Seagal fighting in the UFC. What year?

This was 97. Oh, wow. 98. Somewhere around then. I started working for the UFC in 1997. That's insane. I didn't know there was a round in 97. In Dothan, Alabama. It was in Dothan, Alabama. Dothan.

That was the first place I went to. This is 97. That place stinks. It was UFC 12. The Epstein years. That's the first one I worked at. We flew in propeller planes What? I flew with Randy Couture

In a fucking propeller plane In 1997 Holy fuck Holy hell Who knows what would have happened Now blow that eagle Suck that eagle's dick. Suck that dick.

Suck that dick. Suck that dick. Dude, it's so funny that the news is evil. The news is like, we got to worry about this guy. Me? Me and Randy Couture, we're in an airplane. Well, Randy Couture doesn't even drink. He's an established gentleman.

That's true. Joe Rogan's a threat to democracy. I was in a prop play with David Wayans. Randy was freaking out. Well, here's the thing. People in my position oftentimes forget who they are. That's true. That is true.

Stop being a person. I'm the exact same fucking person I was in 2014, in 2007. What about Chappelle? I feel like Chappelle is getting that. I'm like, no, you're the funniest guy. No, no, no. He's not getting that. Not when I talk to him.

I hope you're right. I hope you're right. I don't want to lose him. I love him to death. He's right. I hope you're right. I don't want to lose him. I love him to death. He's the same exact human. All right. He's 100% the same exact human. I've known him since he was like 18, 19 years old.

Wow. I met him at, he was at, we were both at Catch a Rising Star in New York in like 1992. Hmm. That's how crazy that was. like 1992. That's how crazy that was. I was just moving to New York and I was doing some sets and I ran into Dave

and he was at Catch a Rising Star but I didn't know him, I just saw him and then he and I did the Montreal Comedy Festival. So we did this show and after the show Dave, who's like fucking 19 or 20 at the time, he goes outside on the street and takes off

his hat and puts his hat on the ground and starts doing a comedy show. What? In the middle of Montreal, Canada. He does a fucking... Wow. After we did Club Soda. We just did a giant fucking theater. So we did this theater.

And then afterwards, I'm like 24, 25. How old is Dave? 50? How old, whatever he is. I'm like a little, we're young, right? He's a kid, bro. How old is he? 49.

49. A year younger? So I'm 25. So I'm 25. That sucks. That's sad as shit. So I'm 25. I'm 25 and Dave is 19.

Sorry. Sorry. That was too real. Sorry. Sorry. Too real. I'm 25 and Dave is 19. He takes off his fucking hat and he puts it on the ground.

He starts doing outside stand up. No mic? No mic. Just calling people over. Wow. People are walking down the street. That's fucking nuts. He starts doing street stand-up No mic? No mic Just calling people over Wow People are walking down the street That's fucking nuts He starts doing street stand-up

That's insane If I saw someone doing that He's 19 Dude, if I saw someone doing that I'd be like, fuck that guy Fuck that guy Call the police That guy's fucked up

Yeah Well, Charlie Barnett was his hero Charlie Barnett He was a street performer Yeah But I'm telling you If you were there when it happened You wouldn't be like, fuck that guy.

Yeah, was that good? Because you would be laughing. Damn. He had this smile on his face, and he just called, and everybody was like, I want to be a part of whatever this fucking guy's doing. Yeah, Dave Chappelle's about as fucking cool as it gets. He's got it. He's so cool, as they say. He's so fucking cool.

He's as cool as it gets. Just hearing him talk, you're like, wow, I'm here for this. Even the guy that tackled him and tried to stab him was sad afterwards. Yeah. He was like, hey, man, it was cool when I tackled him. Also, the guy who attacked him got his ass beat by Jamie Foxx and Busta Rhymes. Busta Rhymes. Even Jon Stewart got some kills.

Jon Stewart. Like a 5'6 Jewish guy. Jon Stewart's Jewish ass, bitch ass. He tried to murder his fucking... He finally won! Now you're going to fucking talk to me? What happened? You guys suck, dude.

You guys suck at this shit. He finally stood up, and he's still shitting on us. What happened? Yeah, what the hell? Jon Stewart got some fucking stomps in. What? Jon Stewart? What? He stomped that guy.

I'm saying Mel Gibson should have fucking pissed you guys off. Can you hand me that letter there, Jewface? What happened with Jon Stewart? What? I don't know. I was saying Jamie Foxx and Busta Rhymes beat the shit out of the guy who rushed him at the Hollywood Bowl. Why are you bringing Jon Stewart into this?

They brought Jon. I didn't. Jon Stewart is the fucking man. He just needs to start eating meat again. I think Jon Stewart's cool as shit. We can bring him back. He needs to eat bison and start doing deadlifts. He's never been a pro.

I saw him at the Garden. Jon Stewart's a beast. He's a good him at the Garden. Jon Stewart's a beast. He's a good person. Jon Stewart is a good person. He is. He takes a lot of photos with Chappelle and doesn't apologize. He does not apologize for a photo with a friend. You know what his worst crime is, and it's not even his fault, is that he inspired-

Pedophilia. I apologize for my actions. He inspired a generation of political comedy that just they can't do it like him He was the best He made it silly and fun

He was the second There was someone who hosted that show before Craig Kilborn Craig Kilborn He was good He was kind of an. That's right. Craig Kilborn. Who's good. He's good, but he's not the same. Apparently, he was kind of an asshole. That's the rumor. That's the rumor.

Nobody could do it like him. But Stewart was the best. And he's like helping veterans. He kind of was like a precursor to you, where he was like this news source they all went to, but he's like, I'm also a comedian just fucking around. Why aren't the regular news sources doing this? True. A little bit. For sure.

A little bit. Good call there, Stash. But I didn't mean to do it. I think they meant to do it. Just do it? Yeah. Like, that's what they were doing. Lampooning the news.

Do you ever get bummed about the weight on your shoulders? Are you just trying to run a show and hang out and talk to people and everybody's like, ah, you're evil or whatever? I think I'm oddly built for this. You are built for it, but it must stop you. You must be in the shower going, God damn, I'm just trying to talk. There's so many people that don't feel that way.

Right, true. It's like you have to be objective. And if you spend enough time thinking about how you think and what you believe and why you believe what you believe, that's the most important thing. Why do you believe what you believe? Do you believe what you believe. That's the most important thing. Why do you believe what you believe? Do you believe what you believe because it's self-serving?

Or do you believe what you believe because it's accurate? Like, what's your intentions? What are you trying to put out there? What are you trying to do? And I feel good about all those things. Yeah. So if I feel good about all those things, I'm okay. If I don't feel good about those things, then I want to

correct it, and I want to change the way I express myself. And I think history will be kind to you. You have a moral code. I think so. Thank you, Mark. I think it will, because he gets shit in the moment, but I think I think history will be kind to you.

At the end of the day, a lot of the shit you've been saying is for the people and whatever the hell. I'm not trying to get too queefy here. But I just, I think a lot of people couldn't take it and they would pull back or they would change. That's okay. That's normal. It's normal. But you won't.

I feel different about things all the time. It's normal, but you won't I feel different about things all the time And I don't think the way people think about things at any given moment represents who they really are It represents how they feel about a specific instance and in a specific instance You're dealing with a lot of different things you're dealing with the person's past negative interactions positive interactions love love, hate, fucking where they broke up, where they had an abortion. Yeah, you're having a bad day. You ever have a go through a breakup that got to go on stage next night?

We're not the same. It isn't my best. I know you, but you're a fucking conglomeration of all my experiences with you. True. I've had good experiences with you and I've had arguments with you. I love you to death, but I know you as you and I know with you, I love you to death. But I know you as you. And I know as you,

I love you. But I don't love me at my worst. I don't love... I don't. Well, that's a very liberal mindset, ironically. If you think about the worst things you've ever done in your whole life, you're like, why'd you do that? Why'd you do it that way, fucking stupid?

Because you kind of had to do it that way to learn to not do it that way. Yeah, we're human. You're dealing with all those things that happened to you before that happened. You're dealing with your own life. You're dealing with, like, negatives and positives and failures and success. You're dealing with, like, feeling good about yourself and feeling depressed. You're dealing with being dumped and being hit on. You're dealing with all these different fucking variables.

And to pretend that a person is like a thing at one specific time, at that moment, and that's you forever, inescapable, fuck you. Agreed. Al Franken, one photo of him doing this. Al Franken needs better friends. If Al Franken was on this fucking podcast and we got him high, he'd be like, yeah! I didn't do anything! I'm just gonna be the fucking president!

I know, but we define him as that. Al Franken could be the fucking president. He was the one guy that could have beat Trump. Yeah. You think? Yeah. Al Franken and Tulsi Gabbard. He was just sitting there 24.

He's like, I'll offset your shit. He's gheezed up now. What does that mean? He's an old man. What is gheezed up? What is gheezed up? He pulls his pants up to his mouth. How is he gheezed up and Trump isn't?

That's great. What does that mean, old? Amphetamines. He seems old. Put him in the ring. We'll see. Oh, Trump will kill him. No doubt.

But back in the day, Al Franken was the one dude that could have stopped Trump. He drew the fucking entire- And the dumb pussy Democrats got rid of him. Yes. He drew the whole country in the exact right proportion. He knows where all the states are. He's brilliant. No, he can draw the map.

I can do that. I've seen that. Really? Yeah. Can you really? Yeah, I can do that. Do you do it like Al Franken? I can't. Yes.

I don't know how he does it, but yes. You're such a history dork. I'm having a tough time talking. But you know who's that? Al Franken. Wow, he drew that? Yep. That's incredible.

No, I can't do that. No. No. He draws it fucking accurate. Wait, where's Hawaii? He does the outline and everything. Illinois is bigger than it fucking accurate. Wait, where's Hawaii? He does the outline and everything. Illinois is bigger than it should be. Shut up.

Shut the fuck up. That's incredible. He's got the great legs. He's got Long Island off to the edge there. Look at that. It's a good map. George is huge, dude. It's not a great map.

George is a little big. It's a good map. It's not the best map, but a lot of people are saying it's a very good map. If I had one message to Al Franken, it would be do 15 minutes. If I had one message, it would be testosterone replacement. Start doing squats. Let's go. Yeah, he was the one guy who could have debated with Trump.

Yeah. Really? He would have been like a normal guy president. Nobody could debate with Trump, dude. He was the one guy that was like smart, liberal. Bernie could have done it. He's a fucking patriot. That guy's a real patriot.

Yeah, he knows what he's talking about. He has a deep appreciation of American history. He really does. He knows a lot. He knows a lot. He got... Get in there. Yeah, I could have done it.

Could have done it. Give me a Trump before you get in there. We've got a lot of guys coming out here. Jamie Foxx. Jamie Foxx. What a great guy. Look at my you get in there. We've got a lot of guys coming out here. Jamie Foxx, Jamie Foxx, what a great guy. Look at my African American over there. There you go. America!

Hold on. Can you play American Fuck Gare, the song? Any Given Sunday. What a movie. What a film. I talked to Oliver Stone. He said, could you make any given Sunday better? I said, get Jamie Foxx in there.

I got Jamie Foxx that... I don't know if that's good. I don't know if that's good. It sounds great. Killer, yeah. You're nailing it. Come on the can to save the motherfucking day. Dude, America's the best of all time. I can't believe people would say otherwise.

We have NASCAR. You know what? Nobody of all time. I can't believe people would say otherwise. We have NASCAR. You know what? Nobody even tries it. I know exactly what it's about. How cool is that origin? That's going to be a movie. Moonshine. Moonshine created NASCAR.

Crazy. There's not much more American than that. Best song ever. Who's better than South Park? Trey Parker. You talk about how people, once somebody does one thing and then everyone else does it, nobody touched Scientology. And then Matt and Trey were like, we're touching it.

Going all in. Bro, they drew Muhammad inside a teddy bear costume. And they put him inside of a fucking bag. Salman Rushdie got stabbed in the eye for that shit. And Matt and Trey were like, nah, we're just going to do it. Salman Rushdie saw that episode like, Ew! What the fuck? Dude, they said,

can we have a guy dressed as, can we have Muhammad inside a teddy bear? They said, no. They said, what about inside an armored car? And they said, hmm. There you go. Dude, at Comedy Central, Genius.

If you wanted to get things through, you had to show something's been done before, whatever the word is. Is that right? Yeah. So you go, get things through, you had to show something's been done before, whatever the word is. Is that right? Yeah. So you go, you can't say this word. And then I would have to research a bunch of TV shows. Precedent.

A bunch of TV shows. Hey, they did it here. And they go, okay, we're going to uncensor it. That's kind of the opposite of art, though. Yeah. Hey, who's done it before? But every time I saw it. We were talking about the reason why Kyle Dunnigan and Kurt Metzkin could do what they do, because

they don't have a person over them. Exactly. You can't have Gillian Keeves with a person over them. You can't have Gillian Keeves without freedom. You can't. Committee fucks up art. You can't have this. Imagine.

Imagine we had a fucking NBC executive going. I'll tell you about that. I'll tell you about that. Imagine if this was going on during Fear Factor. They would have hated that. You're going to kill us all. They would have hated the returnees. Climate change. Imagine if this was going on during Fear Factor. You're going to kill us all! They would have hated the retards. Climate change! Happy icebergs!

We did 20 minutes on tards. Once you guys started bonging beers. Yeah, exactly. America! Fuck yeah! Oh, but here's what they told me. When I go, hey, Cartman did it, so he's like, where are my balls? They go, South Park doesn't count.

Really? They're above the law. They don't count. You just find me another president. There you go. They're our Jesus. Comedy Central knows. South Park is our Jesus.

Comedy Central knows South Park is God. No. Comedy Central is no longer a network. Oh, really? It also helps that it makes a ton of money. They knew the whole time. Comedy Central is South Park. Yeah.

Without South Park, it's like Sirius XM without Stern. Sirius without Stern is not Sirius. It doesn't exist. They have to keep giving him those $100 million a year bonuses. Stern got queefy. South Park never did. Listen, what the fuck ever. If he leaves, they die.

The bonfire will carry them through. They die like Jim and Sam. Did you see South Park jokingly cover their ass with Tolkien? Oh, my God. That was great. JR Tolkien? What do you mean jokingly cover their ass?

Tolkien? Tolkien. They cover their ass. They had a black character named Tolkien. There's a black character named Tolkien. Oh, I thought you meant like the guy who wrote The Hobbit. Well, that's a joke. Their name with this one black character was Token.

T-O-L-K-E-N. T-O-K-E-N. Like Token. For 10 years it was Token. It was Token. Oh my God. And then they go. And then recently they were like, actually his name was Token because we love J-R-R.

We have J-R-R. Genius. Why? What did you think it meant? What did you think it meant? Racist? Genius. It was Token in the script with an L and an I. And they go, why? What did you think it meant? What did you think it meant? Racist? Genius.

It was Tolkien in the script with an L and an I. We got to put a statue up for these guys. Ten years they said Tolkien. Trey Parker, Matt... They rule the most. Goats. Comedy goat. They rule the most. When the teacher stuffed Paris Hilton up her ass.

Oh my God. Up his ass. It was the greatest moment in television history. Mr. Slave. Oh god upper ass it's the greatest moment in television history Mr. Slade oh my god is that the greatest moment I also love when

hilarious brilliant people are silly and lowbrow yes it's like Louis is great at that you know he's obviously this brilliant guy

but he's saying crazy fucked up twisted shit yeah you act like Louis is just like crazy high level guy and I saw him at the cellar once and he was like doing a bit

and then 10 minutes later he looked down on his fucking stupid fat belly. He had some crumbs. And he was like, what the fuck is wrong with me? It was like, he's a schmendrick. And you guys are treating him like he's a fucking academic. Wow, he's also a god, dude. Fuck you.

How dare you. He's one of the best. Louie's a god. Play this. The Whore Challenge. Who's the god? I know. Mr. Slave tries to convince the children that there's more to life than partying and playing

a whore. Sweetie, listen. This isn't the part where she jumps on it. It's not the part of the word that you're looking for. Play that part, though. They're on stage. Just keep playing that. Oh, sorry.

Whore off. Which, by the way, I think he might be right. All right, play the whore off. What? South Park's always right. They're right. That's the problem. Yeah, yeah. Just keep playing that. Oh, I'm sorry. The whore-off. Which, by the way, I think he might be right. All right, play the whore-off. South Park's always right. They're right. That's the problem. Yeah, yeah. What is this?

Look at this. The whore-off. This was in 2004. 18 years ago. 2004! The South Park Chamber of Commerce is pleased to bring you the first annual Who is the Biggest Whore Showdown. The first annual, who is the biggest whore showdown?

The description of this is, I know Paris Hilton is a big whore. Wow. I mean, that was her thing, dude. Oh, my God. Nah. Come on, Mr. Slave. Come on, Mr. Slave. Mr. Slave. His name is Mr. Slave. Pineapple up her fucking pussy.

And people are there. Tada! pussy fucking skirt no she did it Randy's the one of the greatest characters mr. slave he's up he checks the wind you see see how he licked his finger? Hold on. Go back to that. Go back to that. Yeah, he checked his finger. It's so nice to do beer bongs and then just watch that. Watch him lick his finger. Watch him lick his finger.

He judges the wind. Great detail. Devils of the details. That's amazing. I've never seen this. Oh, Jesus Christ. He takes his pants off. And he covers his cack Oh my god

Oh my god He shoves her into his asshole That's his 8 mile moment Is that the greatest moment in television history? It's up there. And he has to shit her out. He's going to shit her out. Don't applaud me. I'm a dirty whore.

Being spoiled and stupid and hoarse is supposed to be a bad thing. Remember? Parents, if you don't teach your children that people like Paris Hilton are supposed to be despised, where are they going to learn it? You have to be the ones to make sure your daughters aren't looking up to the wrong people. The homosexual is right. Baby, we're sorry we called you names. Like not stupid and not spoiled.

Yeah, and I didn't mean to say you weren't a whore. That's okay. I didn't mean to say you weren't a whore. Southpaw's been right. It should be president. Never failed. Southpaw's been right about everything. Southpaw, vice president, the other guy president.

Oh, the sheriff? Yeah, the sheriff. Jesus Christ. We can fix this. We can fix everything. They've never once backed down. Here's one of the weakest moments I had in my life. I was against Tiger Woods.

Why? I was a young man. When he was getting canceled, I was like, fuck this guy. What, for cheating? Yeah. I was young. I didn't know I was being a fucking dumb pussy. How old?

I don't know what year that happened. I don't care. Anyway, I was a young man. And then I watched South Park and they did an episode about sex addiction and they were like, who's against this? Like, as soon as I watched it I was like, damn, I'm

gay as fuck. I just watched it and I like Damn They're right I'm gay as fuck Dude I gotta tell you I just watched it I was like Damn I'm just wrong The Simpsons has to See South Park And go damn

We could have been that They were for a while I'm a Simpsons guy It's a different thing 2011 2011 She's beating him up With a golf club

Me and Renazisi Were doing a commercial EA Sports Tiger Woods. We had to fly to Orlando. Really? To meet Tiger Woods. What? Play Tiger Woods golf against him. It's unreal.

You got all these opportunities. Just coattail ride for Ren Azizi. You stink. Whatever happened to Ren Azizi? He's still great. He's still around. He died. And we had to talk trash to him, get him talking trash.

They said, don't be dirty around him. Bitch. You got to be clean. It was before all the fucking shit came out. Right. And we're like, hi, how you guys doing? And he goes, you guys ready to do this shit? Whoa.

Wait, we're supposed to be clean. So then later they're like, hey, do you guys want anything to drink or something? Tea, coffee? And Steve's like, oh, I don't like hot liquids. And Tiger Woods goes, I got some hot liquid for you right here. No, shut the fuck up. He's the coolest guy. The coolest guy.

And I said, hey, let's go out. There was a golf course right there. I'm like, let's go out there. You sit in there. We'll just go group by group and go. You got to speed it up. Hold on. Speaking of miscalculations, you guys watch the Manta Ateo?

I haven't seen it yet. Everybody's talking about it. He's telling this crazy story about Tiger Woods. I didn't know. I thought the story was over. It's over. Go ahead. No, no, no.

If the story's not over, I'm stupid. It's over. Go ahead. Manti-Tayo. No, all I got is, did you see the show? I can't believe you guys have read this story before. This is insane. Hold on.

What happened? He's hanging out with Tiger Woods. Wow. The point is, what you're trying to say is he's a really cool guy. He's cool. Here's what I believe. I knew I was right. I knew the end of the story was there.

I thought there was a punchline or something. It was a 10 seconds off. All right. If you lived that guy's life, you would be him. And if he lived your life, he would be you. That's what's real. Yeah. He's cool.

If you were that guy, you would be him. And you would get duped too. If you grew up some Christian virgin and some lady's like, I actually like you. Everybody is susceptible. And the more we fucking realize that, the problem is we're not realizing that everybody's susceptible. We're thinking, I wouldn't get caught with that.

You wouldn't get caught with that because your dad's a good guy. And your mom is a fucking physicist. And you live in Long Island Island and you read a lot of books. That's a good point. But if you were fucked and you were that guy, you would be that guy in every fucking situation. Dude. In every crackhead that's on the court. Those fucking people we saw today when we were at the gas station.

Yeah, that was wild. Me and Hitchcliff. How about the gas station? Let's talk about the gas station today. Insane. It was like GTA out there. It's like I couldn't save them. This lady, her neck went out and then her head started.

Her nose was gone. She had a fucking terrible scar all over her forehead. It was bleeding and her nose was bleeding. So she face planted recently. She looked like Nate Diaz round four. Worse. Nate would be happy to look like that. He could still keep going.

She was fucked up. It was very fun to watch a homeless lady whose face was destroyed approach Rogies. Yeah, it was. All I wanted was a spinning body kick. That would have shattered her. That would have shattered her. The other guy, the dude who showed up. The white guy?

The dude who came over. I just said no. Protect the money, man. He was too healthy. I saw him coming over. I was in the passenger seat. I was like, let me protect the money. He was like 28.

Let me protect our fucking guy. Let me walk around the front. Yeah, that guy was like, he was well fed. He cracked out. He was a problem. He was an problem. He could have been a problem. He was an issue. I had to say to him, no. Yeah, no. No. He just

you guys, no. Yeah, shut it down early. Shut it down. That was a bad gas station. Yeah. Those exist all over the country, but that was the worst. That was the worst gas station. I pulled in before and just pulled off. But I the worst. I've been there before. I pulled in there before and just go, nah, and just pulled off.

But I wasn't worried about the guy as much as I was sad about the lady. The lady was so disturbing to me. That was bad. That was a lady that probably fostered, oh, look,

someone's going to go pee. Where you going, bitch? I'm going to go pee. Yeah! Oh, that's it! Oh! Oh! You came.

I'm not even thinking about it. Your headphones are back on. Fucking dork. Give me another beer, bitch. Bust out that fucking eagle. I'll be honest. I'll be honest. Let's go.

I'll be honest. The reason I was going out there was to get more beers. That's all. I'll get more. You stay right here. Ari's going to go get them. Let's get more beer. Ari's going to get more beers.

Oh, shit. There's still a full beer for you? Are you nursing to go get them. Let's get more beer. Ari's going to get more beers. Oh, shit. Oh, there's still a full beer for you? Are you nursing that? You coward. Ready? That warm eagle? Go. That's going to be easy.

That's going to be easy. That's going to be easy. 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. It's still cold. No, the only reason I went out there was to get more beers. Yeah, yeah. Have a seat. Oh, shit.

Joe, I swear to God, I'll sit here all day. This is a Mexican standoff here. I know you will. Joe, I'll die. I'll die right here. I'll literally care of that. Oh, shit. Joe, I swear to God, I'll sit here all day. This is a Mexican standoff here. I know you will. Joe, I'll die. I'll die right here. And you probably will. I'll literally piss right here. And I am going to donate money to the charity of your choice.

Oh, man. After you perish. After you perish in this fruitless race. This is going to be an R. Kelly situation. I've got real problems when it comes to this kind of stuff. Competition. This will go on forever. When it comes to this kind of stuff. Competition. This will go on forever. When it comes to the only thing I can beat you in is drinking and not peeing.

Maybe. No, no, definitely. You can beat him in drinking, but he will win on peeing. But volume is just like your, how much do you weigh? 260. I weigh 199 this morning. I don't know what that means. 199 is like

199 with like 15 drinks. This is getting ugly, folks. We gotta turn these mics off. I promise. To the death. I promise. There's a lot of things you can beat me in. Sweetie. Everything. Sweetie. But when it comes to drinking? Volume. For sure, volume.

I'll chug a fucking bottle of fucking whiskey. Yeah, volume. Volume. I mean, you're saying volume. I don't know how. But how long can you wait before you have to pee? Oh! I can hold off.

Because I can wait forever. I'll die. Have you pissed yet? No. Oh. Yeah, but he hasn't drank shit. I drank a lot. That's why I can't talk that good.

You're drinking cowardly, man. Well. I drank multiple bonk hits. I'm drinking water also. You got water? I haven't had a sip of water in a lot of hours. What's it called? Wouldn't you do that?

Eagle things? Shot, asshole. What's it called? I don't know. Jamie brought this bullshit. It's a beer bong. Beer bong. There you go. But it's like whatever it is. It's a beer bong. Beer bong. There you go.

But it's like whatever it is. It's a funnel. I've drank a couple of those. Eagle cum. There's not much whiskey left. You got that right. I had a bunch of Bud Lights. Don't try to diminish my participation.

Joe, I'm not saying your participation is diminished. Oh, boy. The problem is you've set a precedent. I did. I set a nasty precedent. And you're going to have to pee before me. Oh, baby. For sure.

For sure. You have to decide what you're going to do. This is up to you. I'm here to mediate. It's up to you. You've peed twice now. Yeah, I mean, I didn't know there was a competition going on. I give it to Shane.

Once he roams the competition, it starts then. Once the competition starts, let me pee first. There's places that we can go. Wait a minute, Shane's got a breathalyzer over there. What is that thing? Oh, let's check Rogan, because I don't think he's that hammered. This is sober as a bird, dude.

Sober as an eagle. I'll bet you he's more sober than me. I'm probably more sober than you. Yeah. But that has nothing to do with pee. Zero pees. You got to give it up, guys. I'll respect it, but he hasn't drank as much as me.

True. I drank quadruple what he's drank. You definitely drank more. Let's all drive out of here. What do I have to do, Jamie? I'm going to take to the road. Also, Rogan has years of training of this podcast. He's sitting with a boring Nottenberg.

Jamie, what happens? Whatever the fuck. Lex Friedman and Einstein. I'm going to keep blowing. Lex Friedman's, yeah. Zuckerberg, boy, that was a snooze fest, huh? I don't know how you do it. Oh, so boring.

Lex, uh, uh. Zuckerberg. Zuckerberg. It died, Jamie. It died. That's how drunk you are. Damn. You broke it.

Nice job, Tiger Woods. I'm not planning on driving. Give it 10 seconds. Okay. All right, here we go. Seven, six, five, four, three, two. Kids out there, never breathe into a breathalyzer. Make them take your blood.

Yeah. Yeah. Get that extra hour. Carry peanut butter in your glove compartment. Really? Toss that in your mouth? It hides the alcohol? Yeah.

Really? Wow. I got out of a ticket because of that. Let's see what we got here. What do you got? Spinning. 0.08? Spinning.

Uh-oh. It's getting aged. It's like, how is he alive? Nothing. 0.009. I'm legal to drive. No, no, no. 0.009.

You're 1.0. That's weak. 0.08 is the limit. Oh, I'm almost ready to drive. Almost ready to drive you're 1.0 that's weak 0.08 is the limit oh I'm almost ready to drive almost ready to drive give me an hour and I'll drive wait how did we not break this out earlier

JMO good call is that real is that real Jamie I'm pretty fucking hammered how can I drive with one tenth of this well the eagle bomb

really puts you over the edge oh that's where it's the weed and it's also I wouldn't go next I'd give it to Norman next how do I blow in this give it to Norman next no How do I blow into this? Give it to Norman next. No, no, no. Let it chain.

He's got it in his hand. Don't be orchestrating. He's going to be the number one. What do I have to do? Blow for five seconds. It'll beep until you stop blowing. Like my watch. Did it count down? Ah! Is that countdown done?

That was perfect. Oh, there you go. The comedian keeping was perfect. There you go. That was perfect. Oh, there you go. I'm a comedian. Keeping his mouth. Here we go. Oh, that's a tiny mouth. That's it. You're good.

You're good. You're good. Nice. What's he saying? Wait a minute. You guys are talking about oral herpes all night. He switched it up. He swapped it.

Oh, all right. Can I get a new one, too? Yeah. What's he say? I'm nothing. No, you're not nothing. No, you're not nothing. I'm nice and easy

Show it, bro I don't believe it 0.14 Wow A little more hammer than me A little more hammer than me Almost 50% more Thank you

You're the man Almost 50% more body mass More than 50% more Yeah No, no Blood, alcohol It's not about body mass No, we're talking about volume

For peeing Oh You might have to put Volume My volume's insane, dude My volume's quadruple It's not about body mass. No, we're talking about volume for peeing. Oh. Volume is insane, dude. My volume is quadruple. You're right. I was trying to find a way that I could win. I like it. Joe, you beat me in

almost everything. You can't beat me in this. Joe, don't try. It's a fool's game. Let's keep bonging beer. Joe, it's a fool's game, Joe. Let's keep bonging beers. Yes, keep bonging. Joe, it's a fool's game. Don't do it. Only time will tell. You'll back down. You won't bong another one. I'll find out.

Are you gonna bong another one? What? Bong another one? Yeah, for sure. I was planning on doing that anyway. I think I'm speaking too clearly. That's.09 talking. This is going to be pathetic, dude.

You're going to be embarrassed how much you don't drink. I've had a lot of whiskey. I've had more whiskey than you guys. You don't drink anything. I've had a bunch of Bodega Cat available now online. Look at this. This is all me. I hope you drank a sip before you did that.

I had a glass of that. You might have the lowest. The first thing we poured was Bodega Cat. .09. That's me. Same as Joe. That glass of that. You might have the lowest. The first thing we poured was 0.09. That's me. Same as Joe. That's pretty good. All right, all right.

A bunch of pink wearers out there. Oh, but pink is a beautiful color. I can't drive, though, can I? I'll wear pink underwear. I don't give a fuck. Can't drive. You can in Vancouver. I mean, I can drive.

I'm a great drunk driver. In Vancouver, you can drive? No, no, no. It's worse there. Yeah, Canada sucks. Yeah, but Alaska. Canada does suck. Alaska, they encourage you to drive.

I'll be in Montreal and Toronto and Vancouver. If you hit a moose, you should be hammered. Dude, I was in... It's the only way you'll survive. When I went to Australia... Ari, here we go. I got 15 seconds. When I went to Australia, I had to fly Air Canada.

Ugh. It doesn't make any sense. Dude, they made me wear a mask the whole time. It doesn't... It's silly. It keeps people safe. The mask they made me wear a mask the whole time. It doesn't... It's silly. Keep people safe. The mask was below my nose, and a fucking male stewardess tapped my shoulder hard. Sir?

Nothing. That's it. All right, what do you got, old man? I say... It's 7-4. Ah, you see? We're more than you. No, shut up. We're definitely going to beat you guys. I'm definitely going to beat you guys. I say... With 7-4. Ah, you see? We're more than you. No, shut up.

I'm definitely going to beat you guys. I'm definitely going to beat you guys. I'm going to beat Shane, but I probably will. You're not going to beat me. How are Bud Lights beating liquor? Multiple. Point six. Point six.

More than one. Point 06. I can drive. Yeah, you can drive. You're such a gay guy. Point is wrong. No way. What do you mean no way?

No way. You've got three Bud Lights. I've got liquor in me. America trusts you. No, mean no way? It's got three Bud Lights. America trusts you. No, plus four. Three of those plus three of these. America trusts you. Plus three of these.

Are you kidding me? No way. Literally no way. Do you know in Texas, if you drink at all, if you have one drink and you tell the officer you had a drink, they arrest you. Dude, no way. Let's see. That sucks.

What? Come on. I'm trying to have abortions here, Joe. I don drink, they arrest you. Dude, no way. See, that sucks. What? Come on. I'm trying to have abortions here, Joe. I don't think they're legal. No way. It's a scary having kids. You don't believe it? I could drive right now in most states.

Yeah, you look good. Are you scared of having kids? You could definitely drive. Stop losing confidence in yourself. How do you feel? I lose confidence in the system. The system? Yeah.

Or this little machine that we bought off Amazon. The machine. The machine. That's a bullshit machine. No way. .06. I feel like I need at least six hours before I can drive. Andy Dick.

I can definitely take to the road right now. I can totally take to the road. Let's do it. Let's do it. Joe, give us all Porsches. Let's go. America. Fuck yeah.

Is it scary having kids? Switch. Hold on. Hold on. That's a good question. I'd like to have kids one day. Is it scary having kids? What is that from? I'd like to have kids one day. Do you want kids? No way. Definitely. Yeah, seems like fun.

Ain't that fun? Joe, you're going to be banged up. I can't wait to see Hammered Rogue. Hold on. Silent fart shit. Joe, what's it like being jacked, dude? It's better than not being jacked. Does it feel weird?

That's why I do it. No. It's a lot of work, though. Yeah. It's a lot of work, but it comes with mental health benefits. That's true. I bet. That's true.

We worked out today, this morning, and I feel good. I feel good about myself. I wrote that the other day on Instagram, because was like, right after I got off this bike that I didn't want to fucking do. I did 45 minutes on this stupid fucking Airdyne Echo bike. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, this is good for you, man. You should do it.

Everybody should do it. And I didn't say it to shame people who don't do it. I said it to like, and people are like, oh, some professional athletes also experience anxiety. That negates what you're saying. That's not true. Like, it's good for everybody. Everybody.

And I do it a lot because I think it's important for me. I know it helps me. If I can do tough shit or hard things, it helps me. Everybody should. They should. Yeah. They should. It's not a matter of like

Someone's better than you It's like we people think about Republicans versus Democrats Right versus left Pro-abortion versus anti-abortion Yeah same thing Garth Brooks versus serial killers It's all the same shit

Muhammad Ali versus Bruce Lee We're all just fucking people man Yeah we're all just fucking people man yeah we're just people I did the political bullshit it's nonsense no way there's bores we don't have to throw bores we don't have lawyers we don't have to do it America fuck yeah having kids is great having because you like people right we're all people. We came from babies Everybody that you love came from a child

What about the early years when they're annoying and crying and shitting on your face? What about the early years of stand-up when you first started learning how to bomb? What about fucking everything you've ever done in life where you try to figure out what the fuck you're doing? That's part of what life is, trying to figure out what you're doing. There's no better representation of that than a child.

Well said. You're getting them from the fucking very beginning. I didn't want to like that. You're getting them from the very beginning. That's why I had this conversation with you on the way over here. I think you'd be a great dad. I really do. Oh, you'd be such a good dad. You'd be a great dad. But you're 57. He's 85 years old,

but he's a good person. Please don't exaggerate slightly. It's not. Go full or not at all. Not even 10 years. It's not bad, man. Everybody comes from people. You don't recognize what a person is until you have a child, and you realize that everybody used to be a baby.

Yes. It's a real weird revelation that happens. And a lot of my friends that have had kids, they've had the same revelation. But isn't it scary that everybody's fucked up? We all have our own problems. Mark Norman, my whole fucking life is scary. Everything I've ever done is scary. You just gotta go for it.

You gotta be scared. Everything I've ever done that's important has been scary. That's a good point. All of it. No, Ari, every time you've ever done stand-up, if you've meant something that is important to you, it's scary. But aren't you worried that you have two daughters? Yeah.

Yeah. Three. They're going to go. I'm worried about everybody. They're going to be scared of me, too. This is a bad idea. But if you had children, I'd be worried about your children, too. Of course.

I'd be worried about people I don't know. That fucking poor lady with the fucking vertical neck. She was a mom. The hunchback of the Texaco. She might be a mom. We don't know. She was a baby. At one point in time, that was a baby. vertical neck. Fixed the horizontal neck. The hunchback of the Texaco. She might be a mom. We don't know. She was a baby. At one point in time,

that was a baby. That was a baby with unlimited potential. Yes. And she got the wrong set of circumstances, the wrong genetics, the wrong life choices,

the wrong people around her, the wrong influences, foster care, who knows? And now she's at a fucking gas station cracked out with scabs all over her face and her her nose And and she's a begging for money so she can do meth like what is that good or is that bad?

That's not good. Yeah, that's all of us man. If you live that lady's life you would be her That's the most fucked up the one thing that we don't want to admit is that we're all like the products of all the individual experiences that we've had But my point is Life experiences Your kids are going to have their own fucked upness And you just gotta You have yours That's what I'm saying

You gotta accept that You have yours and you're beautiful You have yours and you're beautiful You go on stage and you tell jokes and people fucking howl laughing And you change the world You make people feel better I know but But that could be possible for everybody Just like would you say that to a person is

just doing an open mic don't do it you're gonna bomb yourself people that's all of life that's what's important to other shit that's why it's important to do difficult shit outside of stand-up like it not just stand-up man I mean if you're a fucking painter if you're a fucking guy who makes music, if you're a person who writes books, do difficult shit. It's good for your brain. I agree. It's good for your brain. But you're not worried about them?

I am worried about you. I'm worried about them. I'm worried about Shane. I'm worried about Burt Kreischer. What the fuck? If Burt Kreischer dies of a fucking heart attack, I'll fucking be so sad. I'll be crying forever. Burt Kreischer will die this October. I'll fucking be so sad. I'll be crying forever. I posted a thing about- Will die this sober October, and it will not stop our competition. These guys keep wanting to do this.

I don't understand it. I'll do sober October. No way. No way. Toss me in, dog. When we were talking about- What do you mean, no way? A whole month of no booze? Are you nuts? We're talking about how you do that?? A whole month of no booze?

Are you nuts? No, are you crazy? You're a negative force, dog I mean, I want you to do it It's not impossible Maybe I think I couldn't do it I want you to do it I can't do it

I like a cocktail It's good It's good every now and then I'm selling an alcohol It sucks every time I have a podcast called We Might Be Drunk. That's all we do is drink. It sucks. You know it sucks. I like things that suck. I know, but it sucks.

I didn't mind it. It sucks, right? But you do mind it. Well, the yoga thing sucks. No, because you know it's going to end. You know it's going to end, but it sucks while it's going on. Especially the first week. It doesn't, but it's not suck like overall. No, no, no, but it sucks. It sucks while it's happening, but everything sucks that's good. Looking back on them, they Jame. Oh, yeah, but everything

Looking back on them are great October 1st you like God my friend Steve Rinella told me something once he's a He'll assist show meteor. He's like this professional hunter character That was the best take yet Wow That was incredible Jamie take yet. Wow. Jamie, he's an animal. Man, that was incredible. Jamie is a fucking beast. Jamie is a hidden treasure. Jamie's a beast.

He's an animal. There's a reason it's a swing state. So Steve Rinella said this to me. He says it's fun that you have while you're having it, but you never think about it later. Like riding a roller coaster. It's fun while it's happening, but you never talk about it. Like, man, I rode that roller coaster. And there's shit that sucks while you're doing it.

But after it's over, you have the best fucking stories. Remember that time we got trapped in the fucking snow? Your car broke down? We had to walk four miles. And our toes were numb. We got to this place. And these people let us into their fucking house. And we were freezing our dick off.

We couldn't believe we survived. That's amazing. It is. But that's the difference. Right. So like having a child, like, is it going to suck? Yeah. If you're going to have a regular life, there's going to be moments that suck.

Did it suck for you? Yeah, it sucked for me, but it's going to suck for every fucking human that's ever born. Don't be scared of that. That's what makes us us. That's a good way to put it. Seinfeld was on Comedians in Cars and he had this badass whatever portion that kept breaking down and the other comic was like

this sucks, doesn't this? So he goes, yeah but life sucks. This is what it's all about. You got to push through and get it started and then when you drive it and when it works, it's great. That's why it's not good to live in LA because it's always sunny. You gotta push through and get it started. And then when you drive it, and when it works, it's great. That's why it's not good to live in LA. Because it's always sunny. You need rain. You need cold. You need

a reality check. The only reality check LA has... You need hell. LA has the mountains. When it rains, you can see the mountains. Like, oh, they're right there. And then LA has the ocean. And fires. And fires. There's a few... And earthquakes. There's a few moments that give you a little fucking, bitch, you ain't shit. Just a little, bitch, shut the fuck up.

Mountain lion attacks. A little every now and then. Those are really rare. Nobody gets affected by mountain lions. I remember the Santa Monica one. 40 million people. He was just on the promenade and got fucked up. Mountain lion.

Wait, what? Big cat. Walking around. Well, it's why the funniest guys are from Boston. It's just up. Mountain Lion. Wait, what? Big Cat. Walking around. Well, it's why the funniest guys are from Boston. It's just harsh. Harshness. Harsh. Bleak, cold, mean, blue-collar cunts.

People have no patience for your nonsense. Nothing keeps you funny than keeping you in check. I think comedy has lost that. It used to be all about check. You have Patrice going, that's hacky. You suck. What are you talking about? I met a Houston comic at Skank Fest, and I was like how's the houston city and he goes it's

not great right now and i'm like why not he goes the older comics they don't shit on us anymore so like we're not like feeling the pain we should they go you're great you're nice you can't say this you can't say that yeah that's important, that's important, man. It's important. It's important. That's why roast battle's great. Roast battle's great. And these are great. These are kind of like shit talking. We sit down and just talk nonsense.

Yeah, you need it. You need it. And you need it to recognize, like, what are we doing? What are we doing? We're having fun. Yeah, yeah. That's what we're supposed to be doing. And all this other stuff, like what we were talking about before,

that criticism is the tragic result of unmet unmet needs Yeah, that's what a lot of it is like a lot of people that get really mad like comics to get mad They they're mad because they're not really like they don't feel they're where they're supposed to be Yeah, I feel like that someone's stealing their shine. Do you like oh come on? What do you do wrong? It's just like you're missing the whole point the whole point exactly what you deserve having fun here They feel like someone's stealing their shine. They're like, oh, come here. But they're wrong. It's just like you're missing the whole point. The whole point. You get exactly what you deserve. We're having fun here.

Yeah. We're all having fun. We're all having fun. What are you doing? You get exactly what you deserve. And if you didn't get what you wanted, you didn't do it right. You got to do the work. That's it.

You got to struggle. That's it. That's it. And are there people that get what they don't deserve maybe initially it doesn't last maybe initially yeah

it falls apart it's up and down I wanna make a list of all the comics I was jealous of that are no longer even in stand up yes

big list yeah big list there's a weird moment at every stage of your life where you see people that are doing better than you and you get angry at them. Yeah, go piss pussy.

I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going anywhere, dog. Oh, shit. You got to get lighted? You got to get lighted. So what happened? What trauma happened where you made you this competitive? There, Jojo Rabbit.

I swear to God, I'm not pissing. Forever. I can't wait. We're going to sit here until Jojo Rabbit. I swear to God, I'm not pissing. Forever. I can't wait. We're going to sit here until Kill Tony happens. Good luck. We're skipping Kill Tony. I'm going to follow you all night, dog. Good luck.

Good luck. Does anybody have a lighter? Your bones will crumble. You are dying to piss, I can tell. Not even a little bit. Come on. Not even close, dude. He's had three drinks.

We're five hours in here. I've had 20. He's had two. Give me that breathalyzer again. That's fucking bullshit. I don't need a breathalyzer to know that I'm not going to pee. That's all about Will. I don't need a new one.

Joe's had five drinks. I've had 30. You've had probably more than me, but it doesn't matter. I'm still. I'm still. Somebody give J-Mo another bong, by the way. That was amazing. I drink water. I drink a lot of water. I drink a ton of water.

I drink water with liquid IV. I'm very well hydrated. I couldn't be more hydrated, Joe. You're gonna. You're gonna. I love liquid IV. Joe, I couldn't be more hydrated. I couldn't be more excited. We're in a competition. I love it.

I'll piss my pants right here. Would you get a star, David? Just shut up the fucking star, David. That'd be great. I'm going to send you a video at 3 in the morning when I finally decide to pee. It's a lot bigger than the last time. I'm going to hold it in even after we leave here just for out of principle. Give me one.

Yeah. You won't. Oh, I won't. You're cute. You won't. Oh, cute. You don't understand what's happening here. Cute.

I called you cute. Cute's never a compliment. That's condescending. This is adorable. You're going to the death. You don't understand how cute I am, motherfucker. Yeah, he's a cute kid. I don't know about you guys.

I'm pretty fucked up. Same. We're all in the same boat. Those eagles really killed us. Can I just say, when you were like, hey, let's do another one this date, I was like, no, too early. And I'm like, I'm fucking loving this. You won't joke that, Joe.

You won't. Joe, I don't think you will. You guys are adorable. You won't, though. I woke up at 4 a.m. today. He's about to put it down and knock on wood. Joe, you won't joke that. You won't joke that, Joe. You won't. Joe, I don't think you will. You guys are adorable. You won't, though. I woke up at 4 a.m. today. He's about to put it down and knock on wood. Joe, you won't joke that. You won't.

Peer pressure. I'm going to hold onto it for a little bit. Just talk to you guys. Yeah, coward. You won't do it. Come on. This is why America wants Vietnam. You come guns with Nazi.

Put it down. Yeah, fear factors sucked. Here we go, news radio. Yeah. All right. Well, I mean, if you wanted to talk to me about whether Fear Factor sucked, I'd probably agree with you. Fear Factor rules. It wasn't a bad show.

I'm just trying to be fantastic. It was fun for what it was. Why would you say that, Mark? If you had to choose between Fear Factor and Apocalypse Now, Fear Factor sucked. Mark says nasty things like that. Fear Factor or Game of Thrones, Fear Factor sucked. Well, that was a good reality show. Mark says nasty things like that. Fear Factor or Game of Thrones. Fear Factor sucked. Well, that was a good reality show.

Mark says nasty. Fear Factor or UFC. Fear Factor sucked. I mean, that's comparison. Good for Will Wallace. No, Fear Factor's on when the UFC's on. You're going to tape Fear Factor. Mark, why did you say that?

I was trying to get his head. He's doing a bong head. He's right. I watch the show, and I watch news radio. I actually enjoy news radio. Dave Foley's awesome. He's the best. He's a big UFO believer now.

Really? Really. He saw one. No, he saw one. Legitimately, he drew it. What percentage of celebrities have seen UFOs versus non-celebrities? No, listen. Celebrities have seen UFOs versus non-celebrities. No, listen, Dave Foley is one of the most legitimately introspective, objective people I've ever met in my life.

When Dave Foley talks about things, if you ask him, hey Dave, what do you think about this? He'll go, hmm, and he'll think about it. Legitimately, he'll never give you an off-the-cuff, knee-jerk reaction. He's a really thoughtful, intelligent person. I agree. When he talks about agree when he talks about shit he talks about shit it's like when we were on fear factor news radio together in like the 90s he thought it was a fucking idiot for believing UFOs really yeah because that was like my my gig on the show like I was the the the fucking engineer on the show believing

conspiracy theories which Which is real. Like, at the time, I was 27 and I was just getting on the internet. So I'd get on AOL.com and I would download all these fucking UFO documents and I'd bring them to work. I'm like, do you guys understand they shut down military bases?

Shut the fuck up! You fucking meathead, get out of here! Isn't it a bummer that UFOs are real? What does that mean, though? No, I mean, it's real. No one cares. You think they're from another planet? No.

Well, we don't have proof. Definitely they're fucking real, dude. It's not defined. No, the problem is it's not defined. That's what I'm saying. Here's the problem. What are you saying? I'm saying there's no proof.

You don't know anything, Mark. I'm saying there's no... I don't know anything, but there's no proof of UFOs. So that's why I don't put any stock into it because I'm like, I'll wait until it happens. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Until it's like on news, this is happening right now. Then I'll start caring. Yeah.

What proof? I hear you. I need physical proof. At the beginning of signs, was it signs? Where they're all out there? Yeah. A movie? That kind of shit.

Yeah. Where you're like, I want to see what's, hey, they're here. Yeah, then I'll start giving a fuck. It just feels like we've got problems here, so I'm not going to think about space. Yeah. A lot of people give a shit about space. You're worried about racism. Yes.

That's a big problem in the U.S. All right. All right. No, I'm just worried about, I'm worried about, you know, people here, your family, your career, money, whatever. Imagine if you were an aunt and you were living in the Pacific Northwest. I'm worried about, you know, people here, your family, your career, money, whatever. Imagine if you were an ant and you were living in the Pacific Northwest. I'm an uncle. I'm an opiate. Ah!

I can't help it. Imagine if you're living in the middle of nowhere and you're an ant. And there's no people go there. Because you're in the fucking deep, deep, deep forest. And some fucking weirdo hippies decide to take a backpacking journey into the fucking mountains. Okay. And they step on your anthill. Oof.

You've never met people before. You don't know what the fuck this is. You've only been alive for a week. And your objective is to do whatever. I don't know how the colonies communicate with each other, but they somehow communicate with each other where they can build these ant colonies, where they have these mounds,

and inside these mounds, there's like super complex, like especially leaf cutter ants, super complex systems, where they have like vents, where they go up through the fucking forest floor, and they have leaves, and they chop up,

and they ferment, and they release gases through the floor they fucking somehow understand how to do this and then all of a sudden and you've never seen a person and a fucking hippie with birkenstocks stomps on your fucking anthill because it doesn't even see it because it's like looking at its gps and just wandering around and all of a sudden it stomps on. You didn't think that a hippie ever existed. But now you're confronted with the reality that they're real, and they've destroyed your little village that you've built somehow.

You don't even know why you did it. You're just doing it through scents and pheromones, and you're picking up frequencies that we don't even understand that are interrupted by cell phone communication, and these fucking ants somehow or another have to deal with the fact that some hippie just stomped on their fucking anthill inadvertently. That's us. That's us with the universe. There are things out there that have lived a million years longer than us.

If you believe what they know right now about the universe, they know that there's more planets and more solar systems and more physical bodies. There are grains of sand on all the beaches in the earth. The odds that one of them wouldn't have been alive two, three, four, five, six, a hundred million years longer than us are very small so something has probably come here and that thing is very similar to the way we would react to it the way a fucking ant hill would react to a hippie stomping on it that's how we have to come once in a long while they might be here all the time they might be here all the time. They might be here all the time. Just like we're here in a podcast studio in Austin while there's ants over in San Antonio that have never been contacted by human beings. College football is about to start.

And if these fucking dumb pussies show up and ruin that. Who? Gay aliens? Oh, gay aliens. You don't want that? They show up and ruin that. Who? Who? Gay aliens. Oh, yeah. Oh, gay aliens. You don't want that. They show up with bullshit. It's like, dude, just let me enjoy Notre Dame. Come back in March.

Just let me enjoy this. I bet that's exactly how Australopithecus felt when someone figured out how to make flint tools. What are you doing, pussy? Yeah, dude. Just let us have this. You're fucking up my ability to rip a rat apart with my teeth. I like to eat rats

with my teeth. Right, right. You fucking pussies out there using spears. Are you guys excited for the Freeman era of Notre Dame college football? You get uncomfortable with this discussion? What? He's just thinking about Notre Dame. He's thinking about Ohio State. I'm just thinking about Notre Dame

and Ohio State, dude. You're thinking about Notre Dame. He's thinking about Ohio State. I'm just thinking about Notre Dame, Ohio State, dude. Yeah. Everybody's... You're thinking about peeing. Me? Oh! Are you projecting? Are you thinking about peeing?

No. Oh, that's a good question, Mark. Not at all. That's a solid question. It's a good question, Mark. The interview gets turned on the interviewer. How does it feel? What feel?

How does Mark's... Question. Something, something of you. What did he say? I said, you brought up peeing. I think you're projecting. No, I forgot that that was even a bet. I'm trying to plan.

That's the ultimate way. I'm trying to plan in his head. I think this conversation needs a new funnel. A new funnel? A new eagle? Do you want to do another one? Okay, let's go. Oh, God.