The Joe Rogan Experience - #1879 - Sober October 4

Episode Date: October 7, 2022

Ari Shaffir, Tom Segura, and Bert Kreischer are stand-up comics and podcast hosts. Ari is the host of "The Skeptic Tank" podcast. His most recent special, "Ari Shaffir: Double Negative," is available via Netflix. Together, Tom and Bert are the co-hosts of the "2 Bears, 1 Cave" podcast. Tom also co-hosts a podcast with his wife and fellow comedian Christina Pazsitzky, "Your Mom's House," as well as his own Spanish language podcast: "Tom Segura en Español." His new book, "I'd Like to Play Alone, Please: Essays," is available now. Bert hosts his own podcast, "The Bertcast," and can be seen starring on TBS's "The Go-Big Show," and the YouTube cooking program "Somethings Burning." www.arishaffir.com www.tomsegura.com www.bertbertbert.com

The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night. All day. You got some Stogie's, Burt? I bought cigars. There's nothing better that we're already talking about this than a cigar and a coffee in the morning. In the morning, yeah. You know what's better? A joint.

We should address that. Yeah, it's a real issue. Not with me, Tom me Tom No of course not Dude I don't have the cravings that Joe has You gotta see Stanhope You gotta see Stanhope in the green room these days Are we recording? Wait are you

Are you not having any drinking cravings? Why are you saying Stanhope? Because I smoked a cigarette? I smoked one yesterday You breathed it down in one gulp. No, no, no. I didn't even smoke the whole thing. If Camel Cigarettes could do an ad of you sucking down a cigarette.

I would sniff paint if I could get that for shows. I would spray paint into a paper bag to get a little bit of a buzz before I go on stage. I was just trying to find something. Give me something. Give me a buzz. Give me something to feel. Give me a buzz. I fucking hold my breath, stand on my head.

That feels good. That feels good. I'm telling you. I stood up too fast the other day and it felt good. It does feel good. Do what? I stood up too fast and it felt good. You know what I really feel? The weed? Writing. When I sit down to write. When I don't have weed and other day and it felt good. It does feel good. Do what? I stood up too fast and it felt good. You know what I really feel?

The weed? Writing. When I sit down to write. When I don't have weed and I just sit down to write, it's like I'm writing with weights on. Yeah. You know, it's like running. Like running with a weight vest on.

It's like, oh. No. With weed, I just can get into it. I just get into my head and I just find ideas. Just run. Yeah. Yeah. I like being on stage.

Last night was fun. I was stone sober Yeah. I like being on stage. Last night was fun. I was stone sober. And I love being on stage sober. Last night was fun, though. It was fun as shit. That was a great crowd. Dude, I took one chance to couple to the far right, older dude. And I didn't see his chick.

She was against the wall. And I was making a joke about Leanne being old. And I looked over, and I saw his chick and she was his age and I went oh shit your chick's old and everyone and but I go but then I said age appropriate and then she was like yeah like because you know all right yeah because like the biggest thing is when you upgrade oh you're down age when you down age we had a buddy we had a buddy upgrade his brains was check and check. Women get angry at that. Very angry.

We get angry at anyone else doing it. Isn't it interesting that guys don't give a fuck? Like if a woman is getting divorced and then she starts fucking her personal trainer and he's like 32. Yeah. No one cares. No one cares. 46 year old woman, 30 year old personal trainer.

No one cares. No one cares at all. Yeah. If she's single and doing it. Yeah. Good for her. Look, she's got a hot young guy. Yeah. Women are constantly threatened by youth though. Yeah, if she's single and doing it. Yeah, good for her. Look, she's got a hot young guy. Women are constantly threatened by youth, though.

That's what they're threatened by. Men are threatened by a bigger guy. Like, you know, a stronger, bigger version of them. That's the threat. And that's a money thing, too. Money, too. Status. Yeah, money is a big one that angers men. Like when a woman leaves a man for a rich man.

For a richer dude, yeah, yeah. That's a big one. That's infuriating. Because that seems like the one that's not a goddamn one that angers men. Like when a woman leaves a man for a rich man. For a richer dude, yeah, yeah. That one is infuriating. Because that seems like the one that's not a goddamn thing you can do about it. You can't do anything about it. If you get left. The same reason the woman can't do anything. Like if you go, my new chick's 24. Right.

She can't do anything about it. Women get angry. Yeah, if you have a girl leave you for a college senior, it's like, all right. Yeah. I mean, I'm sorry you left me, but that's fine. Yeah. I's like, all right. Yeah. I mean, I'm sorry you left me, but that's fine. Yeah. I would think it's funny. Yeah.

But it must be how I feel. But here's the thing. That college senior would, you know, the funny thing is, the college senior would not be a threat to your status. He for sure would be a poorer person. You know what I mean? Right, right, right. But if he's like some fucking young stud linebacker and he's just sending it in every night.

Boom, boom, boom. But you'd still be like, did he get his allowance this week to take you out? He's in college. Here's the deal. Women and men accrue interest differently. Yeah. So, like, women are, like, fucking high-end IPOs, like, out the gate. Right.

And men are penny stocks. Yeah. And then they invest, like, they kind of, like, like a hedge fund. They look at these penny stocks, like, you were a hardcore penny stock. But you were. I remember you were gaining weight and you were fucking, like, you were, like, and your material's questionable. It's like, come on.

No, but, like, no. Jesus Christ. But no, but I know, I've known him so long that when Christina signed up for him, that was a risky investment. It was. There was no promise of success with Tom in podcasting. Back then it was just TV and movies. She had already been on TV. She had already had some success.

She was transitioning into Santa pretty quick, getting writing jobs. She was making the money and Tom's featuring. All of a sudden, your stock fucking goes public. Netflix special. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And then, in a weird way, same thing with me, dude. I was a rescue dog. There was no...

I feel like this whole analogy was just for me as a Jew. But then as that happens, and this is now shitty, but women start aging and then their stock starts declining and then all of a sudden it splits and it splits and splits. And you watch this penny stock keep fucking rising and some dudes go, what the fuck am I doing with this bullshit stock option? I'm going to sell out and get brand new fucking stocks. Very interesting analogy. Did you ever see that guy, the woman who put out, like, I'm looking for a millionaire?

You remember that guy? I'm looking for a millionaire to, like, make me your wife. No. It sounds familiar. You say a guy or a woman? A woman said it. And then some economist was like, let me tell you about the laws of diminishing returns. And he broke down why it's a bad investment for any millionaire to take you in.

You've got to look it up. It's just like, great. It's like, yeah, he he's like your value is decreasing as their value increases but it increases if you're in love with the person it increases

it stays like I'm like I'll always joke about Liam being older than me and old as fuck and looking very old and all that shit Jesus Christ

I think she's lovely every week every fucking week but a guy who loves his wife does that a guy who doesn't love his wife doesn't say a fucking word and just upgrades one day.

Just out of nowhere goes, see ya, bitch. A guy who loves his wife calls her old? Yeah. Yeah, he's like, she looks like an old wallet. I told her one time. Jesus Christ. Old wallet. When we met that dude who upgraded, fucking left his chick.

They weren't even married. They weren't even married. Common law. Oh, two kids, great kids. She was a smoke show back in the day. She was a smoke show back in the day. She was a smoke show back in the day. Now, very attractive 54-year-old woman. I mean, you know, 54, but very attractive.

Upgrades to like, I think 27, 33, somewhere around there. The women were livid. And then that night in bed, me and Leanne are there. And I go, I wonder what I could get these days. I wonder what my value is. Is she in front of your wife? Yeah. In front of her.

To her. To her. You would get some girl that gets your ATM number, and she'd be drawing money out of your bank account every day. That's what we had in San Diego. I like to see you try. Ooh. Angry.

Angry. Challenge. Challenge issued. That's the, you know, you're kind of curious. I would love to get a Tinder profile just to be like, just want to see what I can do. You'd get some hits, man. Can we operate your Tinder profile for a while?

I would go right to Grindr. I'd point that bitch right over. That's where you're going to get big numbers. Grindr. You went over to Grindr? Oh, my God. I had a Grindr account for him. Yeah.

Really? We started fucking with each other. I opened a Grindr account for him. Not when we started fucking with each other. I opened a Grindr account for him and it was TomSka. People would hit me up and I'd be like, oh, that's so cool. I can't make it today, but why don't you come see me perform at the Comedy Store? A bunch of little twinks sitting there.

Wait, are you missing drinking at all? No. Zero. Tell us about the health stuff like you were talking about last night. I should have some nicotine while I do this. Yeah, let's fire up them stogies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were talking about-

Jaime Garcia's are the best. Whatever you want. We got a bunch here, too, if you want those. These Jaime Garcia's are fucking- Try one of those. Jaime Garcia's? Jaime. It's by the guys who do my father's cigar.

I like a big ring gauge. I like a strong smoke. Damn, that's big. Our boy Nick from Foundation Cigars was telling me that there might be some sort of an embargo

in Nicaragua. He's fucking terrified. No, really? Yeah, I mean, there's some shit going down, apparently. Oh, I got to talk to you. I went to the plantation.

Oh, did you? Me and Bobby went down there. The one in Connecticut? Yeah. How was it? It was so cool. We saw them curing the stuff. Oh, nice.

I'll talk to you about it later. When you hang out with dudes that know cigars, like Bobby Kelly knows cigars. Sure, knows cigars. He introduced me to Tatuaje, which is one of my favorite cigars. And it's almost like you hang out with someone who, like, it's like hanging out with a grown-up all of a sudden, but you're the same age. He turned me on to, Bobby's turned me on to so many good cigars. Hanging out with a grown-up, but you're the same age.

What do you mean? Because he knows his shit. He's a man. He's an actual man instead of this. See, me, I don't know cigars, and I don't know wine. I like it, but I'm like, I have no time in my head to become a wine connoisseur. All you got to know about cigars is $13. You just go, what's around $13 and you'll get a good cigar.

It's maybe my funnest thing of going into a cigar shop is getting into the humidor with the owner and being like, hey man, tell me what I want. I'll tell you what I like.

I like something that kind of knocks me off my ass a little bit. I like something a little stronger but I'm a ring gauge whore. I like a big,

sometimes too big feels like a cock. Dude, I went to Cigar Lounge with this guy, Reggie Conquist, black guy, comic, and I was like, it's his first cigar. Get him something. And he goes, do you want something flavored? I was like, no. Flavored.

Just something like that. Flavored. Some strawberry cigar. Black dude's always like, that's your raspberry? And you're like, yeah. Nice. Flavored. Ugh. Ugh, flavored, yeah. Nice. Flavored. Ugh.

Ugh, flavored cigars. That's so gross. Yeah, like, I know what I like in terms of... There's another lighter here, too. I know what I like in terms of, like, a good wine. Like, I take pictures of wines. Me, too. Yeah, there's a good app.

I think it's called... It might be called Veeam. Dude, I take pictures of wine and send it to Matt. Matt Staggs? You're Matt. Oh, yeah? Yeah. He's into wine?

Yeah, my Matt is, no, my business manager is a legitimate connoisseur. Yeah. And he has like half a million dollars worth of wine in his house, at least. Yeah, I know that about him, so I'll send him, I'll be like, this is good. He'll write, no shit. It's called Vivino. So there's an app. What kind of response is that?

Can you imagine somebody going, hey, I just saw, you know, Bert Kreischer's really funny, but yeah, no fuck. So with this app, it's called Vivino. So you take a photo of the label, and then you could order it right from the app. It's great. Oh, interesting. Tony and i were eating at this steak restaurant we're drinking this uh a really good cabernet we're like god damn this is great wine that's the best wine i've ever had it was just like really good and uh he goes have you heard about vivino i go what's that he goes we could order this one

right now i go how that is brilliant you take a photo of it and then it shows you it's like oh and then it pulls it up would Would you like to buy a case? Like, yeah. That's brilliant. It just sends it to your house. We got back from the road on Tuesday. I had a case of wine at my house. Wow.

Yeah. That sounds great. Vivino. Yeah, Vivino. Yeah, because I take pictures of them all the time, but then I realize I don't do anything. I just forget to look them up. I forget. You're like, if I see this, I'll get it, but you're not going to remember.

Never. So then, okay, let's talk about man shit. Do you know the difference between dry-aged and wet-aged? Yes. Okay, I don't. Wine or cigars meat meat yeah yeah dry aged is done in um a large usually like a cooler and they have fan that circulates for longer too right yeah usually um well uh adam perry lang uh i became friends with him and he had apl which went under because of the fucking pandemic in la it was one of the best steakhouses it was amazing and he had APL, which went under because of the fucking pandemic in LA. It was one of the best steak houses. It was amazing.

And he would dry age his meat for a year. Yeah. Have you ever, did you ever eat there with him? No. It was amazing. A year? Oh my God.

He was, he was taking all these experiments and dry aging and he would do like your 60 day dry age, your 90 day dry age. But he's like, you got to try this stuff. It's like 365 day dry aged like he had this so it's gotta be like

muskier like a nutty weird taste not my favorite yeah like it was it's not like I wouldn't want to have

like a 16 ounce T-bone yeah like that yeah but for a small piece it was just really interesting it's like a piece of foie gras or something

yeah almost like liver but not even liver it's just like it's its own thing. I just had raw liver. You had raw liver? Yeah, with the liver king. Why would you do that? I don't know. With him? Yeah, he came to my house

and he... Did you guys podcast? We did a podcast. The liver king. You'd be shocked how much we haven't caught it. Oh, I believe you're both delusional. We don't brush our teeth. We are animals. Are you getting ab implants? He loves livers and yours is failing. Did you ask him if he has ab implants? Yeah, he said it was a joke.

He said he doesn't have them. He's fucking jacked. He says he's clean, too. I asked him about steroids. Not true. Well, the podcast comes out on BirdCast. Everyone check it out. Tell you that right now.

Test that guy. No. Well, here's my takeaway is there's a lot of self, probably more self-help gurus these days than there ever has been in history. When I was a kid, it was Tony Robbins. That was it. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's true.

And I'm going to. And still doing it, too, which is wild. Tony Robbins. Still doing it. Still doing it. Still doing it, dude. Selling out huge places. Yeah.

You know who's good friends with him? Jesse May. Jesse May Peluso. Really? who's good friends with him? Jesse May. Jesse May Peluso. Really? He's good friends with Tony. I'd go to one of his things. I'd go to one of his things. Yeah, Dana White's good friends with him.

He's got to be good at what he does, dude. He's great at it. He's fucking great at it. Put a pin in Dana White. I want to talk about him today. All right, we'll put a pin in it. But when I was 21 years old, when I was first starting to do stand-up, I got Unlimited Power, which is one of his books.

Yeah. And it had audio cassettes. He would listen to his audio cassettes. And I was living in Revere, Massachusetts, at this shitty apartment. And I was writing things down and reading his book and trying to motivate myself and fucking get ahead in life. He's got legit, legit points.

He's done a good job of curating really good inspirational ideas. Interesting. We all did his birthday show once in Hollywood somewhere. Comedy show? Mm-hmm. He just had a bunch of comedians. He came to the comedy store, and he was like, all those guys I liked, just hire them. Gave us each $75.

It was really cool. And then Jeff Richards was like, no, I'm getting $1,500. Like, how'd you get $1,500? He goes, they said $75. I go, how about $1,500? And they go, sure whatever what about five grand well he's Anthony Robbins he's rich as fuck so rich yeah I mean that guy's been selling inspiration for 40 years you ever see the video of him

going to his house in Bali and him making all his servants sing to him? No. That's fucking hilarious. Sing to him? He makes them sing to him? That's fucking one of my favorites. How does he make them? Sing to me! Did he guess the whip out? I'm sure he would

never see this. It's a video he goes to his place. I'm sure he would have a different version of this story. If you saw it, you can see the look in the gardener's face like he makes everyone stop working and then they all do like a traditional bali chant and you can see they're just like oh fucking okay here we go oh boy white guy wants us to sing hello and also be on film and also be on film and also be on the internet right is this it it's gotta be the video where he's like

and I could see that he still kind of had like a like a kid's approach to the whole thing are we on time am I late they had to

it's like The Rock he's a big fuck he's a big motherfucker he's got legit giantism a group of people who worked at Namale had

formed a semicircle to look at the guyircle to sing a traditional Fiji farewell song. I had to say goodbye again. I'm so sorry, but I look forward to coming back home to see all the family again. It's been a beautiful, beautiful trip. Naka! He's got a staff like he's in a resort. He is in a resort. This is a resort. He's got a very magnetic personality. It's his resort?

It's his place. Totally. He's not for everyone. It's not for you, bro. And that's why you're not successful, motherfucker. That guy needs to do squats. That guy's my favorite. Sanford is on in the back.

He needs to, like, so this is his staff for his home? Oh, yeah. Look at his shirt. It's the Anthony Bourdain Resort. Wow. Anthony Bourdain Resort? Yeah. So he's got a resort that you can visit?

You mean Robbins? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is Anthony Bourdain. All them Anthony's, you know how it is. I was like, yeah, what? Those Anthony's are all the same to me. Yeah, he's got giantism, you know? Yeah. For real know yeah yeah I think he's got like a pituitary gland issue yeah he's an enormous man you have that pituitary ISM wish there's a few people

that they're unenthusiastically clapping in that chain it's my favorite video let's go I want to go back I want to go back cuz we glossed over that we came back when we're in the green, you were talking about your blood pressure. You were talking about your inflammation and how good you feel just five days off of booze. What a difference it's made. Yeah, I feel phenomenal. My blood pressure dropped immediately into perfect blood pressure. It's 140 over 90 if I'm partying hard.

And then two days after drinking. It's 120 over 70 two days. Yeah, and my blood pressure drops I mean my stomach my stomach starts making noises like really aggressive like didn't it inflame at first Yeah, it super inflamed and then it just goes starts one Like there's that's pretty fucking good it's it's a good impression of whatever the fuck was happening i mean that's another level i was farting so aggressively the first day not drinking i was at the store and i was trying to have a conversation with someone about disc golf and i was had my ass in the main room towards the bathroom

and i was ripping farts that were just coming. I think my inflammation is so bad, it kind of blocks up my stomach. And I was gassy as fucking shit. But I don't think you account for how much you, when you drink normal bird drinking, which is a lot, you also eat crazy. You eat crazy.

I eat wild. I don't eat bad. Last night, I grabbed those tacos and the bell pepper, brought it home, and I went, I don't eat bad. Last night, I grabbed those tacos and the bell pepper, brought it home, and I went, I don't want this. Bullshit. I gave it to John Manns and my assistant, Peter. That was an aggressive bullshit, Ari.

You want to call him right now? I don't believe you. I don't believe you then. Wow. This is aggressive. But wait, so don't you think both of them didn't touch it? Multiple homeless people said, hey, are you eating that food? And you go, yeah, I took it to eat it.

Yeah, I wanted to, but I got home and I went, hold on. So you were walking around and homeless people were asking you for your food? Yeah, he had a to-go box. Welcome to Austin, Joe. Where are you walking where homeless people were asking you for your food? From the Vulcan. From the Vulcan. So you walked all the way to?

No, no, I just walked outside the Vulcan and there was a plethora of homeless people going, hey, can I get that food from you? Is that a doggy bag? Can I have it? Why didn't you just give him the food then? He took it to eat it. Well, at first I took it because I hadn't eaten all day. Right.

Then you brought it back and decided not to eat it. I got home. Here's one of the things that happened a little bit. I got this full metabolic blood panel, full comprehensive concierge doctor visit. And the guy said, we were talking about changing my lifestyle. And there was a period of time, Tom knows this, where I was throwing up while I slept and breathing into my lungs. It's called aspirating. And it was giving me hardcore acid reflux.

And I went to the doctor, and the doctor said, listen, man, this is going to affect your career. You're not going to be able to talk. I was losing my voice like crazy. He goes, you got to stop eating before you go to bed. And I stopped entirely. I stopped eating before I went to bed because I saw a direct reflection in my career. I could do it.

And so then this other doctor, he's like, you need to lose weight. And he's like, here's why I think you can do that. Because you did it with the eating before you went to bed, so you can change your lifestyle. It's possible. So last night when I went home, I brought the food, because that's my impulse, set it down, called Mans and Peter. They came up to my room.

They ate it. And I went, I'll be throwing this up in my throat all fucking night. All night I won't sleep. I won't feel rested. I'll go into the podcast feeling like shit. I didn't eat any of it. I didn't eat any of it. Good for you.

Yeah. It's a great story. Do you want to call it bullshit? No, he just says the story sucked. No, no. I meant it's a tall tale. So, did not. He couldn't even tell you what was in the tacos.

Couldn't even tell you. Those tacos are good. That's CM Smokehouse. It's six days. what was in the tacos. Couldn't even tell you. Those tacos are good. That's CM Smokehouse. It's six days, we're six days in. Couldn't be in there. Have you already weighed differently? I lost like eight pounds. Eight pounds.

How's your tits and your arms? Ari could barely hold the mic last night. Oh, I'm fine. Okay, I have to keep switching arms from the pushups. I can't hold a phone to my head for like two minutes. I have to switch arms. I look amazing. Do you do? I'll show you a picture right now right now i'm looking at you no no no

shirtless i took this picture i sent you a picture of me shirtless shut the fuck up your picture was i opened it on the plane and it's unreal like i wanted to leak it yeah i'm on testosterone unlike the liver king i'll tell you the truth the Be honest be honest. Is that a good picture? No My shoulders and chest though not bad right your cock is a good solid cock. Thank you. Thank you. Especially limp. Yeah. Thank you Well, I loved it. Did you fluff a, I fluffed it. I fluffed it. Did you fluff a little? I fluffed it. I got it hard. It hangs.

I walked by the mirror and I was like, I look good. I was like, I'm going to take a picture of something with Leander. I'll fluff myself alone in a hotel room to walk by the mirror just to see myself. Just to see your max potential? No, just to feel like, oh, that's normal. You ever put a rubber band around your dick and balls, like the whole thing? Sure, yeah. Just to keep it-

All together. All together in a package and just fucking keep that blood in there? They used to have Speedos. They had Speedos that had cock rings in them that would shove your shit up front and you looked awesome. Jesus. What the fuck was that? You almost are aspirated.

So you go to this concierge service You get all this blood panel done And what is the guy What kind of advice is he giving you Well first of all he thought I was a liar Like when we sat down He was like much like Ari He goes how much you drink you're honest I tell him everything

And he goes don't work out And I said excuse me He goes do not work out I don't want you in a gym I don't want you doing anything He goes you are high risk Literally to have a stroke a heart attack And I went actually and by the way we did a quarter ordered artery scans on my on my neck did us

Count kg and everything did everything and he's like and we haven't gotten the results yet I said I actually go to cardiologist every six months. I'm I work out pretty fucking hard I'm not gonna stop working out It's kind of my thing as I wake up I party and then I wake up and then I work out pretty fucking hard. I'm not going to stop working out. It's kind of my thing is I wake up, I party, and then I wake up, and then I work out hard as fuck. I think I'm fine. He goes, trust me, what you're telling me, if you work out, you'll have

a stroke and you're going to die. Actually, probably because, and he's probably telling you that because most people would. But is he telling you this based on the volume of alcohol? Based on just a conversation, an interview of like, how much do how much you drink yeah because my weight my most people who would drink oh yeah like he drinks would not be active dead yeah yeah and so i told him i said hey man i'm not going to change anything i'll wait and if you want to have that

conversation when we get my blood work back and all my tests that's fine but i said i don't think you're going to find any blockage anywhere because i've already had all these i'm already on medication i'm on blood thinners i think i'm gonna be fine. I'm gonna continue to work out I'll scale it back a titch but a titch but like I mean just usually I go until like I work out pretty fucking hard And so yeah, I worked out with you at on a gym. Yeah, I get after it and so Blood work comes back like two days later three days later, and he's like, I don't know what to tell you He's like I none of it makes sense. He's like, you have no blockage.

From what you're telling me, either you're lying to me or – He's got a test for the mantle drain. Well, I think you're a very unusual specimen. And Tom and I were talking about this. Like if you didn't drink and party and you just like worked out all the time, I think you'd be like a freak athlete. I really do. I really do. I really do. I think you're one of those guys that if you just didn't party at all and hit the gym and trained your whole life, you'd be a fucking freak.

I really think that. I don't disagree. Yeah. I really enjoy working out. Yeah. I do enjoy it, and I work out really hard. Working out sober hard, I don't think I've ever worked out this hard sober with direction You work out you get drunk and then work out. I have yeah Wow he drinks wine on the treadmill

If you ever done it so much I'd like to get high and work out. Yeah. Oh my god. I God. I like to get really high, like so high I'm scared of life. High and shoot hoops is fun. High and play pool is the best. Just get high. You know where the ball's going. You feel it more. High and poker, I see through people.

Ooh. Ooh, that's interesting. Yeah. You see the lies. Yeah, I just go right. I know what everybody's holding. It's great. Ah, wow.

Edibles or smoking? Weed. Weed. And then every break, you got to run back to your car, smoke a bunch, and come back. Get more power. Get more power. Yeah. More power.

But that's why I was saying edibles. Would edibles give you the same result? I don't know. It might be too crazy. Sir, it's your turn to play. Oh. I can't handle truth. Yeah.

Yeah. But getting high and lifting weights, man, you just fucking, you feel like every fiber of your muscles, like when you're doing chin-ups when you're high, it's like you feel like you feel it all. You feel like all the fibers working together. Like stretching when you're high. Stretching's good. Everything's like pop, pop, pop. So yoga would be dope.

Yoga is great high. Yoga's amazing high. I bet yoga high would be fucking hot. Yoga's amazing high I bet yoga high Would be fucking hot Yoga high Yoga is amazing high Yeah well In India A lot of the yogis They smoke chillums

They do hashish Oh And they do yoga How about hot box yoga And just fill that room up With weed smoke Yeah like One of them smoke machines

Like they're having a bad disco Yeah just keep pumping it in Dude I know a guy With a hot yoga studio In his office. Yeah, me. That's what I was going to say. Let's do it.

You're the guy? I'm the guy. It's right here. Wait, you crank up the heat in there? No, I have a hot yoga studio in one of my – you didn't see it? I didn't show it to you? I don't remember. It's in the South Wing.

It's wild. South Wing. Yeah, I have a hot yoga room. So you can turn it up to whatever you can get it in. Yeah, it's bigger than this room, and it has its own heating system. And so it's completely isolated from the rest of the gym. So you can crank it up to 105, whatever the fuck you want. You want to get crazy, you can go 130.

Fuck. That's angst. I know a lot of guys who do. There's a company that makes an infrared sauna that's designed specifically for working out in. It has like chin-up bars and shit. See what you can find with that is. It's a different kind of sauna than I use. I use like the traditional rock sauna,

like the, you know, hot rocks. How hot do you go? I do 185. Infrared, infrared's a little more sustainable, meaning I had an infrared one for a while, have the hot rock one. I love the hot rock one. But infrared, you can go in

and actually sit in there for 35 minutes and you can see That's the problem that the problem is like the reason why it's uncomfortable When you're going really hot is like that's what you need because that's how your body builds the heat shock proteins There's not the same kind of studies that are done on infrared star that's honest like the 20-year Finland study There's a Finland study that showed a 40% decrease in all-cause mortality Finland study. There's a Finland study that showed a 40% decrease in all-cause mortality for people who use the sauna four times a week,

20 minutes at a time, and I think it's 170, 175 degrees. But they showed a 40% decrease in strokes, heart attacks, like everything. Cancer. Well, it's non-impact cardiovascular, correct? It is. I'm parroting you, I think. Yes. You're sitting there and your heart is... I wore the

heart strap the other day. I wore it too. An hour at the Schwitz. It's like 134 you, I think. You're sitting there and your heart is jettisoning. I wore the heart strap the other day. I wore it too. Yeah. An hour at the Schwitz. It's like 134, 135. So you're at a slow, steady heart because I'm hot as balls in there. It's like working. 400 calories I got. Yeah. So this is it.

What's it called? Oh, that's fucking great. What's the company called? I don't know. Lux Sauna. Wait, is that speed bags in a sauna? Yeah, yeah. Speed bags in a sauna.

They have chin-up bars. There's certain saunas that I know. I know a bunch of MMA fighters are using them. But the thing is, this is definitely better than no sauna. But the thing about the hot sauna, this is what Laird Hamilton told me. Laird Hamilton does it with oven mitts. Well, he gets on an airdyne bike. But he does it in a regular dry sauna.

So what's wrong with the infrared? Nothing. No, it's great for you. Infrared's meant to increase your core body temperature before your skin. The studies on sauna and longevity and health that came out of Finland were these really amazing studies that I was just citing, and that's with a regular sauna. And the thing about the regular sauna is it's more uncomfortable, but the more uncomfortable one is the one that jacks your heart rate up. And it also makes your body work harder. And that's what produces the heat shock proteins. At least that's what I've been told. And this is talking to Dr. Rhonda Patrick and Laird Hamilton and Andrew Huberman and all these scientists when

they're talking about the specific things that happen in your body. Your body produces cytokines. It produces these anti-inflammatory heat shock proteins that are just fucking phenomenal for everything I dude I crave it so bad when I'm on the road and I come home sometimes I'll get home at night and everyone's asleep I'll just fire up the fucking sauna it's so good yeah that's the dream have you ever has one in his basement and it's just like it's they all go to sleep it's the best thing to have right now. You sleep so well. It makes you feel so relaxed when you're done.

And the combination of that and the cold plunge. So when I get home, I get in the sauna. I got a Salus sauna and then I got that Morosco Forge at home. And we have the Blue Cube here, which is pretty dope too. The Blue Cube cold plunge, the water circulates. So it's like you're in a fucking river. It's like, like you never get like a thermal layer around your skin. So you're never comfortable.

When you get out of that fucking thing after three minutes, you're like, ah, the weight of the world is gone. Did you ever see the video I did where I had my whoop on and I did my heart rate in the sauna and then I went right into the polar plunge and it went from 145 to 65 in like three minutes. Wow. See if you can find it it's you it's it's a sped up so you can see it but the my whoop my i i fucking i i i don't i can't tell if i slept good unless i look at my fucking recovery strap i got the new fancy strap yeah yeah what is it like a tie dye no it's it's kind it's camo. Camo. Have you noticed different...

Do you have different recovery since you stopped drinking? Oh, well, my recovery on tequila is better than my recovery without alcohol. That's insane. Look at this. So 141, right? 140. And then I just get in the sauna. Who did this video for you?

I did. How do they do that? You can do it on Whoop. They have a video thing. Oh, nice. Where you can record yourself. I do it every that? You can do it on Whoop. They have a video thing. Oh, nice. Where you can record yourself. I do it every time I go in the sauna. I record my heart rate dropping.

And so you go right in and look at- I got to keep my hand out so my Whoop monitors it. Is this next to your old place? That's my new house. If you put your hand under, the Whoop won't monitor it? No. Wow, that's quick. Oh, yeah.

You got to take out a shower. It's dropping your heart now. In two minutes, I'm already in the 70s Wow that's wild in that crazy 166 66 in three minutes That's incredible and then back up a little yeah, what do you what temperature do you keep your cold? I think looks so small that yeah, it does not We love that cold punch yeah cold punches, cold plunges are the best. They're just not priced right, in my opinion. What do you mean?

Priced right? Cost too much? For the average person listening, they're going, oh, I should get one. And then you go and you're like, oh, it's $12,000. Yeah, it should be like 800. Some of them are more. The really good ones are even more. Are they really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got one sent to me by Cold Plunge, I think the name of the company. Yeah. It's great. They're expensive. but you can always just get water and ice. You just fill a tub up with cold water and go to the fucking...

The old football ones? Gets pricey. Does it? Ice? That's how I used to do it, was with a bathtub. Now we do it on the road, we travel with a bathtub. You can get ice out of venues cheap, but no one's performing in fucking venues that have ice. It's about $300 for – oh, fuck.

I used to go to North Hollywood Ice. It's $300 for 300 pounds of ice, and you need definitely like 100 pounds of ice to be able to do a cold plunge in. So you got to pay a bunch each time. So then you think about if you use it for a year, you're really better off getting a real cold plunge. That's why they're priced the way they are. Well, it's complicated. The Morosco develops actual ice. I climb in it, and I'm pushing ice away to get in there. But you do 34 degrees?

34. You're fucking out of your mind. I'm 42. Yeah. I do 42. It's very doable. I do four minutes and do some box breathing in there. I don't think he knows the difference between 40 and 30.

Really? It's just cold as fuck. I noticed the difference because I got mine. I can tell the difference in the 30s. Yeah. I got mine at 50. I started at 50 just to see what it was. And I was like, oh, this is cold.

I mean, if you're going from nothing to 50, you're like, it's cold as fuck to get into 50 degrees. Yeah. And then I started lowering it. And I felt like within days I could notice the difference going to like 46 felt so much colder than 50. It was only four degrees. My daughter's friends were over the house, and I told them I'd give them $1,000 if they could do a minute in it. Yeah.

I gave three kids $1,000. Really? 12-year-olds. What? And the parents were like, what the fuck? I'm like, they earned it. They earned it. I just wanted to show them they could do it. And were they fucking losing their minds or they were

pretty confused? And they got out, woo! And they're fucking flexing. Slay! It's hilarious. Dude, I had a guy, the Schwitz, who's a fan of yours. I took $300 in a plastic bag and put a rock in it at a party, and I threw it in the pool.

And I go, who was it? One of Georgia's friends fully clothed dives in the pool. Why not? Yeah, why not? It's fucking awesome. But these kids were so pumped. And their parents were like, are you serious? I'm like, yeah.

Look, it's like, for them to, it's a hard thing to do. Sure. And I'm showing them. If you can do this very difficult thing, a minute in a cold plunge when you're fucking. It's very hard thing to do sure and i'm showing them if you can do this very difficult thing a minute in a cold plunge when you're fucking it's very hard 30 seconds is like enough 90 pounds and you're 12 years old yeah sure were their parents like hey joe can i get a grand if i probably were we probably didn't want to say it you know that's the story that will last longest with you in your life is those kids will never fucking forget right? Oh, yeah, and they're just thinking about all the things I gave him $100 bills to crisp hundreds

Yeah, yeah, I love that. I love that energy. Yeah, I used to do Chinese New Year's We do a big Chinese New Year's or friends with Chinese and everyone dresses in red and I get like tooth whatever the year is I get that all in crisp ones and then I make kids kids gamble for it, and I make them do shit. It's very Chinese. Very Chinese. Very Chinese. We play a game called spoons, where you put five spoons on the table, six kids are playing, and you pass cards, go around,

and any time anyone gets four of a kind, everyone reaches for a spoon, and they fight for it, and I'll put $100. I go, all right, game of spoons, $100. And you just watch kids a hundred bucks to a kid is a lot that's the fucking best

Oliver Stone thought I was a fucking lunatic why did Oliver Stone think you were a lunatic did you just name drop Oliver Stone he was there Tom knows it

he was there and I was pretty drunk and I was fucking shirtless making kids fight and he was like I'm such a big fan I love the Godfather and Stone was like

what the fuck are you talking about I love the Godfather hammer. I love the Godfather. And Stone's like, what the fuck are you talking about? I love the Godfather. Hammered. I love the Godfather. Didn't you fight in Vietnam? He was so, he so did not feel my energy. I was like, I was going to fuck with that. He's a weed smoker.

Oliver Stone. I smoked weed with Oliver Stone. That was awesome. We smoked weed and talked about JFK. That is your dream conversation. The only thing that could be better is he knows a lot about the pyramids. It was amazing. It was because he's talking about the events that led up to the JFK assassination and all the cover-up and everything after the fact.

And he's citing it from memory. I mean, in-depth details of the Kennedy assassination, just right from memory. And this is, like, around the time that the Showtime documentary on the JFK... I don't know if you've ever seen it. She's got a Showtime series on JFK. I saw his series where he went to Russia. Oh, yeah, with Putin?

Yeah, yeah. He went to Russia with Putin and they watched Dr. Strangelove. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. They watched that Kubrick film. Yes. Amazing. Amazing, yeah. And they talked about, you know, all of kind of Putin policies. Yeah. With Putin? Yeah,

with him. He said that Putin was being treated for cancer back then. Really? Yeah. I bet they got a new treatment that no one knows about. Well, they definitely have new treatments. There was a treatment that was just in the news the other day where they get, what was it? It's like a version of the herpes virus. Google this.

There's like a mild version of the herpes virus that they gave someone. They injected it into them and it killed their cancer. Damn. Shut up. Yeah. That's something I'd love to discover. You're on the slide. You're like, you know, no one that has herpes has killed their cancer. Shut up. Yeah. That's something I'd love to discover. You're on the slide. You're like, you know, no one that has herpes has ever gotten cancer.

Yeah. Joe List doesn't have cancer. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah, Jamie, there it is. A man's cancer vanished after he was injected with a weakened herpes virus in promising clinical trial. Imagine that.

Like guys with herpes would just be lining up to bang chicks with breast cancer. I can live, but I can only fuck sluts. How great would it be to have to go catch herpes to cure your cancer? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Imagine if you're a woman and you have ovarian cancer. And they're like, I got good news and bad news. The bad news is you got ovarian cancer. The good news is my cousin has herpes.

And he's willing to cure you. The only way, but you've got to get it all the way up in there. So he's got to shoot a live one down the hatch. He's going to have to be there a few times. So we're going to have to plan it with your ovulation to make sure that you're not getting his pregnant, his baby. Pretty wild though. That's incredible.

Yeah, but that's one of the cool things is like, you know, they find things out sometimes accidentally. You always wonder, too, what the most powerful people have access to. Yeah. You know, they always go like this. But then something will happen, like Paul Allen, you know, the Microsoft co-founder? He died.

Well, he was really unhealthy and didn't exercise at all. At all. But he just got, I think, non-Hodgkin's lymphoma or some cancer, and then he just declined and died. He was very obese. Yeah. And he also, just because you're wealthy doesn't mean you get after it. Like, try to chase down what's wrong.

Right, right. Because the other people in your life are like, if this motherfucker dies, I'll get paid. Yeah. Also, you're just accepted. Yeah. Other level paid. Billions of dollars. Billions.

Like, you probably wouldn't be really encouraging him to go to the oncologist. Like, you would just accept it. Yeah, other level paid, billions of dollars. You probably wouldn't be really encouraging them to go to the oncologist. Like, you look good. Like, I look like gray cardboard. These doctors don't know what they're talking about. You need a rest, man. I made that up. It's all for profit. All you need to do is breathe.

Eat an apple, you're fine. Yeah, you're going to be good. Have some greens. I think his sister took, like, somebody who has no, like, had nothing to do with anything. He just, like, took over his estate. Oh to do with anything he just like took over his estate oh man like just happens to be his sister happened to be his sister now she's balling that's gotta be wild yeah you didn't do anything to earn it and then all of a sudden you have billions that's that great bill burbit about tiger woods ex-wife it's like you didn't stand

over an eight foot putt with a fucking green jacket on the line having the yips having to fucking do it half a billion yeah yeah and then he had a bit about colby bryant too same kind of bit yeah i made that joke last night on stage what what about when i was talking about that age appropriate lady oh yeah i said those are the eyes you want to look in when you die eyes that are your age you don't want to look at some 21 year old girl on your deathbed she's like hurry up i have yoga class licking her lips yeah she's got the rolled up mat under her armpit

while you're dying on your deathbed you want to see some bleak bleak she's on her phone she's got her tights swiping

yeah her fucking hot yoga instructor is ready to comfort her oh yeah get me on some anti-aging shit i don't want to die well here's let's talk about dana wait dana wait you gotta stop drinking oh okay this is why i want to we'll get to dana white but this is why you know this the reason what

you've ever been told what did andrew human we called you we were on the phone with him during a podcast and he had just posted that week about, you know, he'll have, like, topics and themes for his podcast, right? Yeah. And it was just all about alcohol. And he was basically, like, there is just clear data that is undeniable that alcohol has negative effects on you. And it is undeniable. And here's all the data and you know breaking down how it affects the brain and the organs of the system and that he's like well i mean like what

can you know can i drink and and andrew's like well yes studies show that if you want to have one to two drinks and he goes a week and birth like a, a week? Well, that's what Andrew's saying. That would be fine. And Bruce is like, a little bit more. There was actually a study recently. You're cutting out, Andrew. I can't hear you. There was a study recently that linked decline in cognitive function to abstinence from alcohol.

Decline? Yeah, abstinence from alcohol. Yeah, dementia, decline from alcohol is correlated with abstinence from alcohol. See if you can find that jim correlated yeah no they think that people who just don't drink alcohol i don't know if correlation doesn't equal causation right but there's some sort of a connection i think it's a relaxation thing and i was talking about this with uh my dad last time my stepdad he's actually my dad i should call my dad um he we were talking about

he's a great guy i love him but uh he we were talking about it like he has always been a guy like after work works hard you know has a drink yeah maybe two just relaxes and i was like i think there's something to be said for that i think there's something to be said for just the way it makes you feel. Increased risk for all-cause dementia in people who abstain from alcohol. A recent addiction journal paper, researchers performed an in-depth analysis of the alcohol-dementia relationship and determined whether certain levels of alcohol consumption increases the risk of dementia. And so they found out that there's an increase in dementia. Dementia generally affects the elderly and geriatric patients, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Global presence of dementia. What does it say here? Excessive alcohol consumption in midlife, Bert, can cause significant neurotoxic effects on the brain. As compared to other risk factors such as high blood pressure and diabetes. No. high blood pressure, and diabetes. No. Despite these different reports, views of population-based observational studies indicate that alcohol-dementia relationship is J-shaped.

More specifically, low levels of alcohol may provide some benefit in reducing the risk of dementia, of alcohol may provide some benefit in reducing the risk of dementia. Whereas excessive alcohol consumption, BERT, likely increases the risk of dementia in a dose-dependent manner. So I think there's something about, like, you get home, you fucking hard day at the office, have a cocktail,

you're like, ah. That's how I do it. I think relaxation is so goddamn important. That's my brand. Massage therapy. Yes. Just enjoying life, man. You remember I texted you when I was in Italy on vacation? Yes, I do. I've never seen you happier in your life. I was drunk. I was eating pasta.

I felt so good. I felt so good. With my family. With my family. Looking at the ocean. Ah. What the fuck is it about the ocean? There's something about it. It's so different.

It's so relaxing. We spent the summer at the ocean, and here we live on a lake. There's no comparison. Lakes are rad. Lakes are nice, but ocean is the motherfucker. It is a totally different thing. I got a house once for three months when I was in Malibu. Yeah.

Yeah. We were getting our kitchen remodeled, and I said, well, let's just rent a house. We rented a house on the water. Wow. It's fucking amazing. You're eating breakfast, and the water's right there. You just stare out at it. Those rich people aren't stupid.

There's a reason why they're paying fucking $100 million for a house that's like a quarter of an acre. The ultimate was, you know, we'd always talked about surfing, and I've always wanted to surf. So I set a goal for myself. I had two months off, no touring. I said, I'm going to go to Hawaii at the end of two months. I'm gonna lose weight, get into the two forties and I'm gonna get, cause my hardest part is standing up on a board when you're fat. So I lost the weight, flew my daughter right before she went to college. My sister, my cameraman and my assistant down, we all went to Hawaii, stayed at Turtle Bay, did Jamie O'Brien surf experience. and I surfed like I surfed fucking solid two days caught probably 25 waves and

There is a genuine surreal Connection with the earth when you're on a board sliding down a wave yeah, and you're moving over on the wave And you're just watching it it's the coolest fucking thing that I've ever done and then you look at these guys like like Nathan Florence and kai lenny and andny and Koa Rothman who do – they're like fucking savages and they're going into Jaws, Toad Inn. And you're just like – Those guys are wild.

That's a different thing though. That's a different thing. Those guys are adrenaline junkies to the extreme. But the connection those guys have with the ocean is so primal. And I mean you're right. Dude, do you know what would happen every day? Because we did the same thing. We rented a house in Malibu.

Because the tide changes every day, right? Yeah. And when at low tide, sometimes low tide would be, let's say, at 8 a.m. So you'd look out and the water would be so far out that there would be rocks that you normally don't see. And you're like, oh, wow. You can walk into the ocean because the tide's so low. that there would be rocks that you normally don't see, right? And you're like, oh, wow. Like, you can walk into the ocean because the tide's so low. Dude, high tide made me respect and fear the ocean so much. Why would it be?

Because it would come up and hit the house with such violence on some days that you would go, if I, an adult who can swim we're down here right now like most likely you would trashed and you would get pulled out and die yeah that happens all the time i know but like when you're living there when you're living there you're like holy shit yeah you're seeing it every day you look down well you know the difference for me was at night yeah during the day the ocean is like this beautiful inviting and wonderful thing at night it's dark. So dark.

And you just realize, oh my God, that's like a fucking hundred trillion gallons of water. What the fuck is that? The guy who discovered Hawaii, not discovered, obviously there are people there first, John Cook. John Cook, is that his name? Captain Cook? Captain Cook. They ate him?

They ate him. Really? They didn't eat him. Yeah. No, they didn't eat him. I just, when I was in Hawaii, I watched, I listened to documentaries. They ate him. I liked Ari's story better. They killed him and ate him. Let's They didn't eat him. Yeah. No, they didn't eat him. I just, when I was in Hawaii, I watched. I like that story. I listened to documentaries about him.

They ate him. I liked Ari's story better. They killed him and ate him. Let's go with Ari's story. Well, you know what? He couldn't swim. Isn't that crazy? He got in a boat and he couldn't swim?

He couldn't. That's how they got him. How long does it take to learn to swim? That's how they got him. I think I could learn to swim in about 10 minutes. It's not like doing jujitsu. It's you fucking do this. I think it's so built up in your head that by the time you get in there, it's panic.

Yeah, but you could learn. You live on a boat. How do you not learn how to swim? He never learned how to swim. That's how they got him. He went in, and he tried to escape, get to the water, and he had to stop at the water. He's like, I don't know what to do in there. He fucking traveled the world, discovered the Sandwich Islands and all of Hawaii.

They're called the Sandwich Islands? It's because they're called Sandwich. In Italy, they're called the Sanguich Islands. Oh. What a fucking weird thing to not know how to do. I can understand if you don't grow up near a pool and you never learn. Yeah, yeah. You're like, oh, I never learned how to pool. If you're a boat captain, it's ridiculous. It's ridiculous. There's a lot of comics that don't know how to do. I can understand if you don't grow up near a pool and you never learn. Yeah, yeah. Don't fuck. If you're a boat captain,

it's ridiculous. It's ridiculous. There's a lot of comics that don't know how to swim. Who? I'm not going to say his name. Say his name. Embarrass them.

No, it's not cool. Call them out. Well, just spell it out. S-E-B-A. Maniscalco? He doesn't know how to swim? I was going to say. Oh, I could teach him.

Isn't he embarrassed? Aren't you embarrassed? I'm sorry, Sebastian. He's a swimmer. He's a great guy. It's one of my favorite bits. I watched him talk about it on stage. About how he can't swim?

Crying, laughing. He talked about it on stage how he can't swim and you won't say it. I know, but it's his bit. It's his bit. I don't want to fuck with his bit. What the fuck? But that's not fucking with his bit. But I went backstage and I was like, that's fucking hilarious.

And he's like, eh? And I go, you really can't hilarious. And he's like, eh? And I go, you really can't swim? And he goes, no. He goes, not everyone can swim. He's got a pool.

I go, everyone can swim. What? He's got a pool. What, does he put the floaties in his arm? No,

he was taking swimming lessons and it was hilarious to hear a grown man. So if he took swimming lessons, now he knows how to swim.

No. Fuck out of here. He failed his lessons? I don't know. Look. That he keep fishing them out? He did it on stage and I was crying laughing. It's got to be kind of humiliating to be an adult.

He has a kid. You know what's really amazing? When you kick it swim better than you? I had a dog, my Mastiff, he never learned how to swim. He just was not interested in swimming. I'd pick him up, I'd take him in the water and he'd just swim right back to the stairs. I'm like, come on, Johnny, let's go. But Marshall, the golden

retriever, it's like in his DNA. When he was a puppy, we were in the pool, and he's like, fuck yeah! Some kids take to it quick. My oldest took to it real quick. He swims like a fucking lunatic now. I think if they just do it early, it's fun. You gotta do it early. You gotta get your dog in the

pool right away He would I mean if you the balls underwater he'll go underwater He's just that's a water dog though like he's a golden retriever Mastiffs are not our old Mastiff Priscilla the funniest fucking look on her face one time she fell into the pool We didn't know she fell into the pool. We didn't know she fell into the pool She fell into the pool She got herself out of the pool and I saw this look in her face She's by the pool and you can see it in her eyes like I just witnessed death, but I didn't figure it out I was like wait. Why are you soaking wet? Why are you so good? What she's looking at me like I was just died

My god the poor dog did I get banned it when we just have the look of, like, I'm going to put her in the pool. Like, she'll be fine by the pool. And you look at her. She knows the look. She's like, get the fuck away from me. And then she just starts running away. She knows what we're going to do. Was she a rescue?

Yeah, but, like, as a baby. And you just never got her into a pool? We tried, and then she just wasn't interested. Yeah, you've got to make it fun. You've got to make it fun. But Marshall, I didn't have to do anything. It's in his DNA. It's in his DNA. It's in his DNA, which is really wild.

He's got webbed feet, Joe. Yeah. No, he does. Yeah. Another thing that's really wild is the retriever aspect. I didn't teach that dog at all to bring a ball back. He just brings it back. Yeah.

Like, the first time I ever threw a ball to him, he picks it up and he brings it back. Wow. Knew how to fetch. Instantly. He doesn't know how to let it go, but he brings it back. Wow. Knew how to fetch. Instantly. He doesn't know how to let it go. But he brings it back. Like, the other day, I came home, I let him outside, and then I left the door open and went to the bathroom.

It took a leak. I came out of the bathroom and he's got a squirrel in his mouth. No! Yeah, he killed a squirrel. And he's just sitting there He caught a squirrel? Instantly. Proud, showing it off to you. Oh yeah. But he came to me to retrieve and bring a squirrel. Whatever they did to breed those dogs, it's encoded in their memory.

It's encoded in their DNA. It's really wild. And it's also, those dogs, like Goldens, they are the nicest dogs. Oh, I like your dog a lot. Your dog is really cool. He's the best. He's such a sweetie to everybody. Everybody who comes over to my house.

They're like, you're my best friend. Like new people that he just meets. He starts whining. He picks up a toy. He always has to bring a toy to you. And show, like he brings something. Because like those dogs were rewarded for bringing back like birds. Like you'd shoot a bird.

They'd grab the bird, bring it back to you. They'd retrieve it. And he just will bring something to you immediately. It's funny when you see what they're... They're very gentle males, too. Oh, they're so gentle. What they're bred for, because we had Brussels griffons, and they're bred to be rat chasers.

Oh, yeah. So when they see rodents, squirrels, and stuff, they'll be like, and then they're like, you'll see them freak the fuck out. Have you ever seen that documentary, Rats, on Netflix? No. It's about New York. Jack Russell Terriers. Well, it's about

a lot of cities, and it's also about the countryside. We used to have one of those. Jack Russell Terriers were actually designed or bred for killing rats. They're really aggressive with rats, and they fucking tear them apart. And in this documentary, they use them to get rats. And so they let these

dogs loose, and they find rats in this countryside. Tear them apart. There's a service you can get to go in your, if you have a backyard in New York where you just have these terriers just piss all over your yard hunt some rats, piss and the rats like, that's not a safe yard, get out of there. They're smart as shit man, in that documentary

here they are, there's those little dogs so these guys are digging holes to try to find these rats because like there's these rat little dens and shit. And these dogs find them. And they're the cutest little dogs, man, but not to rats. Oh, nice. Murder it.

Murder it. Oh, they do? They kill it? Yeah. Oh, they rip it to pieces. Look at this. All of them. I mean, it's just fucking wild.

That's crazy. That little one's like, give me some. But meanwhile, these rats have fucking diseases. So your dog is swallowing the plague. Yeah, right? Not on the countryside, though. Yeah, they're not out there. Probably not.

Yeah, you're right. So what do they get in the plague? Oh, the guts. Fuck. What do they get in the diseases from? Like our garbage? Our sewers? Like where are they getting all their diseases?

Well, they'll live in. It must be sewage. Yeah. Because they live in. They'll run around yeah all the sewage you know about

is it a king rat oh rat yeah yeah rat king when the tails get like tied up yeah they get knotted up together somehow

and they can't move and they die fuck really it gets into a knot and they're like yeah that's it look at that

rat king I thought that was Theo god damn it is Theo but that's his nickname but that's a real thing they get tangled up together and they die I had no idea I don't understand why they get that tangled but in banana rats no no it's a bit I saw that in in Cuba they have an infestation of banana rats what does

that mean well they're enormous they look like dogs that's right they would swim they see and people would rescue them thinking they're dogs. You're on the island because we were doing Guantanamo Bay. Torturing people. What are you doing out there? I did shows. Working for Al-Qaeda. Oh, my God.

Look at the size of that thing. They're everywhere. Holy. That's like a copy bar or something. Yeah, exactly. Look at his feet. Look at the or something. Yeah, exactly. And they're like, there's a- Look at his feet. Look at the size of that thing, dude.

They pay a dude, a couple people, just to go around at night with a.22, and they're like, just shoot as many as you can. Did you ever see- Because you can't keep them down. When Attell had that show, what was the show called? Insomniac. Yeah. They hunted nutrias?

Nutrias. Same idea. In New Orleans, right? Yeah. Same idea. Nutria is an invasive species that I forget where it came from

but they got over in America like on ships or something like that and now they're everywhere I've never screamed higher pitch in my life than when we were

we pulled up to do a gig in Guantanamo Bay and the guy driving the van he's like naval based you know pulls up and the lights are on it's night

and he's like oh there's a banana rat right there you guys want to see it like they're not aggressive or anything they're just feeding on the grass and we're like yeah so he leaves the lights on from the van and we all start walking closer and closer taking our time step by step and then we're like a few feet away and we kind of bend down and one of the guys takes his fingers and goes like this up my back. Like that. I basically, I went, ah!

I've never screamed higher in my life. Terrified. It scared the shit out of me. They're fucking, they look like dogs, dude. Nutri's are huge. And Nutri's, people eat them. Apparently they're delicious. That would be fun to have you in your backyard

just with a.22 just at night with a cocktail. I shot a rat one time with night with a cocktail. Shooting dinner. I shot a rat one time with my BB gun at our old house. I didn't feel so good about it. Really? I felt really shitty. It was a rat though? It was crawling up on the wire.

And I had my BB gun. I was like, I wonder if I can get this thing. How old were you? I was 40. It was a recent show. It doesn't feel great to kill an animal. I don't know. Killing rats feels good. Yeah, here's a tells.

This is insomniac. Look, these things are fucking giant. Look at how young he is. You don't have to bait them or anything? You don't have to do a call or anything? No, we just drive along and look for them. It's the same thing, yeah. So they were killing them to try to diminish the population,

but in a lot of the country, people eat them. See if you can find Nutria cooking, because apparently they taste good. See how much gas costs back then? They take them. It was probably $0.30. Your brain is so fucked up. California is so fucked up now with gas. My friend took a photo of a pump near San Francisco.

It was like $9. We're talking about how your dog wants to dive and wants to retrieve, and Ari's looking at gas prices. He's frugal. It's bred into him. It's bred into him. It's about breeding. When Ari was doing really well, when Ari was, not that you're not doing really well now, but when he started doing really well and he had a Comedy Central show

and he's killing, I'm like, dude, get a fucking BMW. Get yourself a nice three series, just something that feels good to drive. It's too expensive. Why would I do that? What's the point? It's just an extra expense.

Then I'm tied to that. I went up and down too much. You're on the borderline of getting a day job. It's like, I'm glad I didn't spend that money. That's ingrained in, I think, guys, me and you. Maybe not Tom as much, but I've always had a problem spending money. Because I go, it goes away. You say that, and you just keep buying houses?

What are you talking about? You own like five houses? I don't buy them. Leanne buys them. Oh, Leanne buys. I don't buy, I don't fucking buy anything. I had a hard time buying this watch. You remember me?

Yeah. One of my favorite stories. I go to this great watch dealer in Vegas. You know her. I think you bought a watch from her. Chappelle buys watches from her. It's how you get the green light is that you know the person and then they go I bring out the inventory. Right.

So I look at it, this watch, and she tells me. Is that Rolex? Rolex. It's a Submariner. Ten grand. Heard of that brand. And she goes, and I just can't pull myself to pull the trigger Ari's never had a watch either Russell tried to give me a $10,000 watch I was like don't and he's like no you need a watch

dude stop I'm just gonna pull it you wouldn't wear a nice watch I don't want it on my put yours on his wrist and let him enjoy it well okay so I'm sitting there Ari my arms are sore this is the one that's comfortable too because it's on a silicone strap Okay. Here. So I'm sitting there, Ari. My arms are sore. I'm going to go to the fuck and pick it up.

This is the one that's comfortable, too, because it's on a silicone strap. That's my everyday walk around watch. I like it. So I'm sitting at the lady. I'm having a hard time doing it. I text Tom a picture of the watch. He can barely use his arms. Look at this guy.

I can't believe it. You should have seen him in the green room last night doing girl sit-ups. Really? Girl chin-ups. Push-ups, rather, from his knees. How many could you do in a row right now, Ari? Real? Yeah. Three max. Wait, what? His arms are gone.

His arms are destroyed. You gotta realize we have all been working out during this time. Ari doesn't work out at all. It looks good on you, Ari. It does look good. It kind of shifts up. No, because you make it tighter. If you want to watch, I will get you a watch.

Why was the stupid in there? Tell me. Joe, Joe, Joe. Can I just green light it? I would love to get you a watch. Please get him a watch. I'll get you a watch. It's so much fun to wear.

I'll get you a nice Omega Aqua Terra. It's a nice, kind of subtle, not too flashy, but a really well-made watch. That white gold Sky-Dweller. Oh, the long wrist Sky-Dweller. No, no, no, no, no, no. Fucking bling him out. No, no, no, no. You make him be the whore he wants to be. You'll get me murdered in New York.

Yeah, I want to get him something that's, like, under the radar, but it's a nice, like, really well-made automatic watch. This makes my wrist look daintier. No, it doesn't. No, you actually look like a grown-up all of a sudden. Yeah, it looks good. It looks good on you. I like it.

Do you want it? No, dude, I appreciate it. Okay. Yeah, here we go. Diamond Rolex. Date just. Yeah, it looks good. It looks good on you. I like it. Do you want it? No, dude. I appreciate it. Okay. Yeah, here we go. Diamond Rolex. Yeah, right. I'd wear that. Ball it!

Shut up. Letting bitches know. I'll tell you the one. Right when your special comes out. That's what you do. Guys, I'm killing it with my special. Put it out there. It's only nine grand.

Come on. It's doable. That's a fucking small car. Get one with like a Star of David on the dial? Chew it up. For the promo stuff? Yeah, why not? If I got you a watch, would you wear it?

I'm just not a watch wearer. Shut the fuck up. I feel bad. You're a watch wearer when you wear a watch. You're a swimmer when you get in the pool. What the fuck are you talking about? Joe wasn't a watch guy. Early on, old school Joe Rogan was not a watch guy.

I remember him saying, I'm not buying fucking fancy watches. I got this G-Shock. I wear this. What the fuck are you talking about? Joe wasn't a watch guy. Early on, old school Joe Rogan was not a watch guy. I remember him saying, like, I'm not buying fucking fancy watches. I got this G-Shock. I wear this. I love G-Shocks. And now, oh, look at that. Oh, is that a Jewish watch? I think that's Arabic letters. That's Arabic letters.

That's beautiful. That's beautiful. That's a fucking beautiful watch. But I'm not into diamonds, man. I was at a jewelry store once, and this guy was explaining to me how they make diamonds now like artificially Oh, yeah, and he was like yeah, but it's a real problem. I can why is it a real problem? And he like he was like trying he was coming at it from a diamond seller's perspective. He's like well You know I goes it is is it a real diamond. Yeah. Yeah, but it's

It's not legit because it come it doesn't come from the ground a little bubble bubble bubble. Is it a fucking diamond? Yeah, but people get upset if, whoa. Is it a fucking diamond? Is it a diamond or not? Yeah, but people get upset if they find out that it's artificial. I go, what is it? But it's an actual diamond. Like, if you make an actual diamond with a machine, like, why do you give a fuck if it came from the ground? I would actually want it more

if it came from technology. I think that's kind of cool. And it's real. I want a blood diamond. It's real. It's not like a cubic zirconia. I want someone with one hand missing delivering it to me. I want a testimonial from their fucking orphan children.

But women do not want that fucking man-made diamond. They want that one that is hard to get. The one that's hard to get that came from fucking the middle of Africa. Look at that. That's a fucking nice watch. That's a beautiful fucking watch. That's an Omega with a little earth in the center of it. What is that?

Which model is that? Seamaster. That's fucking beautiful. That's a good looking watch, Ari. That's you, Ari. That's a fucking gentleman's watch. That's an Aqua Terra. $47,000.

That's a little pricey. A little pricey. A little pricey for... That's a fucking beautiful watch, though. Look at that goddamn thing. That's $47,000. Isn't it crazy? That's a $49,000. That's because of the complications, though. Look at that goddamn thing. That's $47,000? Isn't it crazy? It's because of the complications, though, for sure.

Is that one of the self-winders? Well, I think it's got a complication. What is the complication on that? Well, it probably looks like it's, if you go back to the dial, I'm sure it has the first picture. Oh, it's a limited number. I'm going to tell you the one Ari wants. Make more, stupid. That doesn't make any sense.

Limited number of them. Tommy, what's the one that Rolex made for Pan Am? Rolex made a steel watch for Pan Am that, for a comedian, is the best watch and affordable. Its dial up here is GMT. And its dial up here is so that when you go on the road, you can change it, and it'll tell you the time of where you are, but you can keep it on New York time. Oh, you do the math. Oh, interesting.

I'm in New York. I have no fucking idea. Yeah, that is a problem. This is the one you want, Ari. This is a beautiful watch. That, you'll get robbed. Shut the fuck up, Ari. Of course he'll rob you. That's a goddamn Rolex. If you have something that's under the radar,

then you'll probably be alright. It's a hot watch, all right it's a hot watch though it's a hot watch and it doesn't look blingy yeah you don't want to turn people off yeah with like looking at your wrist you don't want it to be blingy you want you perform for far away from people i perform right up on people they'll see it yeah if you're if you're like right in the front row and some guys wearing a fifty thousand dollars watch that's a little distracting looking at my arm the whole time

The but you always say you have trouble spending money, and I don't hold on let me tell this is my favorite Yeah, yeah, that's it. I sent Tom a text at this Rolex place in Vegas story checks out And I text and I say I hit a picture of the watch and he goes you getting it and I said I don't think I have trouble spending money. I have a trouble spending money. I leave the place I like the guy from a Rolex store. I leave the place. I love the guy from a Rolex store I leave the plate why like looking at him. Yeah, so I leave the place. It must be fun for the dealer Tom Sends me a very heartfelt text. Hey, man. You're busting your ass on the road. You work non-stop You're gone two weeks at a time. You have two podcasts

It goes on and like this really heartfelt text you deserve to treat yourself every now and then. This is an affordable treat. Do it for yourself. And so I go back. I buy the watch. Next day, I'm sitting and having coffee, looking at the watch going, God damn it, I love this fucking watch. I really love looking at it. It cheers me up.

And I call Tom. I said, hey, man, I appreciate you sending me that message. Leanne tried to convince me, and I wouldn't do it, but your message meant so much to me. He's like, oh, cool. I go, what are you doing? He goes, well, you know, I sent you that message, and I realized that shit applies to me, and I wouldn't do it, but your message meant so much to me. He was like, oh, cool. I go, what are you doing? He goes, well, you know, I sent you that message, and I realized that shit applies to me, too. I'm in a Rolex store.

I'm buying a new Rolex. He bought a new Rolex the next day. Tommy's my favorite guy to call about cars, because Tommy and me have the same love of cars. We go off. We go off and buy cars. I remember when Tom got, he just bought the Porsche, the blue one, and then you got another one and people were like, what? What do you have?

What are you driving around? I don't know the name of it. It's a Mercedes, but I don't know. How do you not know? Is it a big one? The white one? That's a fucking great car. That is a great fucking car.

I rented one like about two years ago or so on the road. Oh, my God. That's a great car. They're so well made. They're so well designed. You get something out of those cars. There's a feel that you get when you drive them. You're like, yeah.

I feel like a grown up. It feels good. Listen to Steely Dan. Have a cigar in it. Oh, yeah. Nice sound system. They all have great audio now it used to be you had to buy a car and then put stereos in them post-market sound system yeah

i always used to do that first thing i used to do buy a car i'd bring it to my guy unreal yeah now the stereos are incredible they're in the car it's like fuck man yeah car things are you're lucky you don't have the car bug oh i don't drive it's an expensive i don't drive very often like i always look at guys who're driving on sunset and a nice car and I go, are you guys not partying tonight? Oh, you're Ubering everywhere. I Uber everywhere. You used to have that BMW.

That was a nice car. I said to Georgia, I said, Georgia, this is going to be your car. She goes, I'm not driving a five-series BMW to school looking like a rich kid. And I go, yeah, but we leased it. We can buy it back nobody cares 32,000 she goes dad. I want a regular car like an Explorer I go $52,000 she was yeah, but I don't want to look like a rich kid I said so I'm gonna spend an extra

$20,000 so you don't look like a fucking rich kid. She was like yeah this kid played you yeah She's smart yeah, you have a smart daughter. She's she knows the impact of it. You have a smart daughter. She knows the impact of it. She knows you're rich. She loves her car. Yeah, it's weird. That 5 Series was the first car I got that I was like, oh, this can't be fun. Yeah, but when you showed up in the S-Class, you were big balling, dude. I like that car.

That's a fucking great car. The S-Class is the shit. That is the shit. You're in that thing. You feel like a fucking comfortable gentleman. Chocolate interior. Yeah, you could smoke You're in that thing. You feel like a fucking comfortable gentleman. Chocolate interior. Yeah, you could smoke cigars in that thing. Driving back from the store the other night, listening to a little fucking Daryl Hall

flying through the hills. She's a man eater. Oh, here she comes. What was the song? I was fucking jamming out. Dance all days, love. Dance all days, love. Oh, yeah. It's nice to pull out of the store and just be sober. That's my earliest. Dance all days, love. Dance all days, love. Oh, yeah. Dance all days.

It's nice to pull out of the store and just be sober. Oh, my God. My favorite thing was coming down Laurel, and I'd be listening to some fucking jam and rage against the machine. Headed to the store. Wang Chung. Dance all days. Oh, it's Wang Chung. It's Wang Chung.

I didn't have my glasses on. It's a white guy same guy so it looks about the same good mullet that's a great song too though driving to the store is a bad it's fun on laurel laurel you go fast that's a fun drive yeah oh it's just it's also like you're on your way to the fucking promised land like for us as comics the comedy store was mecca like i remember being an open mic-er. Literally, that's what, yeah. An open mic-er.

And I always knew that I had to get to the comedy store. I'm like, if I'm going to be a comic, I have to get to the comedy store. Like when Mitzi passed me as a paid regular, it was one of the best days of my life. Like I remember that day like I'm a real comic. Like I can't believe I'm passed at the comedy store. Yeah. It was like that place It was just not a comedy club man. You should tell you they call you the next day. He told me you're really funny

You're a paid regular now. I was like holy shit Holy shit, I was on a TV show. I didn't give a fuck about that show I was I was 42 had shows, successful touring comic. I got passed at the store. I didn't tell anyone. I didn't say a word to anyone. It was a big deal for me. I was really nervous.

I got bumped by Louis. I got bumped by Tosh. I got bumped by Judd Apatow for my one paid regular spot. It's now like midnight, and I get off stage. I said this last night when I brought him on stage. Tony Hensliff pulls me aside, and he goes, I always have a soft spot in my heart for that guy. He goes, hey, congratulations.

I said, what? And he goes, first paid regular spot. He's like, let's go do a shot together. No one knew. Fuck yeah. And I went outside, and he was like, it's a big deal. It's a big fucking deal. I did a toast.

I did a thing, and I was like, fuck yeah, thank you, Tony. And I had a career, but it meant so much to me. There's two things that I remember from the store that were like landmark moments. One was becoming a paid regular, and two, Paul Mooney telling me I was funny. Wow, that's pretty cool. Paul Mooney told you you were funny? Paul Mooney. Paul Mooney never said that to anybody.

And Paul Mooney did not like me when I first got there. I was this cute little fucking dummy. He's funny. I was like, okay. But one night he saw me. It was like 14 people in the crowd. And I went up and I did my act hard. I did the full thing.

And he was in the back of the room. Ha, ha, ha. Oh, yeah. Ha, ha, ha. Oh, yeah. I don't remember what bit it was, but I remember he shook my hand. He put his hand on my shoulder. He goes, you're a funny motherfucker.

That's cool. And I was like, whew, whew. I had to leave. I had to go hand on my shoulder. He goes you're a funny motherfucker. That's cool I had to leave I like go out in the hallway. I was like whoa try to be cool. Oh cool. Thanks, man Oh my god, I was tingling like all like Paul Mooney people don't know how goddamn good Paul Mooney was he had power Oh my god He would write to when shit would go down Something would happen and he would have like 10 minutes of it that night. Yeah. Like there was the Spirit Airline.

Well, it wasn't Spirit. It was like one of them budget airlines that crashed in Florida. And he had this bit about these poor people clutching onto their purse while alligators were eating them. It was like the day after the crash. And then he was like, that's right, motherfucker. I write. I write. Patrice pulled me aside one night in New York

and we were at Caroline's we did some show so we go to Edinburgh and everyone starts leaving and he grabs me and he goes don't leave I said why and he goes Paul Mooney

this is a gift because I didn't know who Paul Mooney was yeah why people didn't know who he was Paul Mooney's here and I go who the fuck's that

and he goes you're sitting you're watching him so I ordered a beer and I sat down and I go, who the fuck's that? And he goes, you're sitting. You're watching him. So I ordered a beer and I sat down and I go, I was like, it's getting late, Patrice. And he goes, shut up, motherfucker. Look who's behind you. And I turn around and it's Eddie Murphy. And he

goes, if Eddie Murphy's coming to watch him, we're staying. And me and Patrice watched Paul Mooney. And Paul Mooney had a bottle of champagne on stage, drank the whole fucking thing. Yeah, those little bottles he would have. Yeah, he would drink them, and he would make a joke, and then hold the bottle up with two fingers.

And you'd hear Eddie Murphy, ha-ha, ha-ha, whatever his laugh is. Dude, your impressions are on point today. Ha-ha, ha-ha. Say it in ethnicity. Say it in ethnicity. I'll bang it out. Do it. Go, go, go.

Taiwanese. Hello! Nailed it. Pretty good, pretty good. I do it in ethnicity. Say it in ethnicity. I'll bang it out. Do it. Go, go, go. Taiwanese. Hello. Nailed it. Pretty good. Pretty good. I do it all day. I do it all day. Give me a comedian.

I'll do an impression of him. I'll never forget being in the main room. Being in the main room one night and I called you up and you were on a motorcycle in Vietnam. Oh, yeah. And I was like, you got to quit that show. That was a good bit. I should do that. That was a good story.

Because he called and I was like, what are you doing? I was drunk. I'm high that show. I was a good bit. I should do that That was a good story because he called and I was like he's like what you doing. I was drunk I'm high I'm running through motorcycle through rice paddies in Vietnam And he was and he was like you are the fucking machine You got to fucking get away from this Travel Channel shit be a comic do this fucking right if you don't talk about this on stage You're wasting your life. It's not fuck this He was like this is who you are. These experiences are who you are. And I was like, fuck yeah. And I'm still high and drunk, hang up with Joe, and I'm flying on the motorcycle now. I'm like, I'm a fucking machine.

And then my wife calls. And I was like, she's like, what's up? And I was like, well, it works out well with Joe. I'm drunk. I'm high on a motor motorcycle. I'm flying through rice paddies in Vietnam. She's like, you dumb motherfucker. You're a father of two.

You have high blood pressure. Walk that thing home. Walk it home. What a different way of looking at the same situation. Can you imagine, though, being a woman and you're waiting on this guy and he's making a living. You're the breadwinner of the household and you're a wild person. You're out there drinking. You're on a motorcycle.

You're in another country. He's a crazy person. If you break your leg, they're just going to saw it off. Terrified. You're in another country He's a crazy person If you break your leg They're just gonna saw it off Like what the fuck Yeah Terrified I mean imagine That's the fun though Counting on someone like you

Whereas a friend is like Yes Go for it Yes But I don't You know I don't rely on you for money Like I couldn't imagine

That's funny I rely on you for money Not anymore you don't Hey guys This weekend Youngstown Charlottesville, Florence, and Carlston. BurtBurtBurt.com. Is it BurtKreischer.com now? BurtBurtBurt.

Still BurtBurtBurt. Something's Burning's back. Are you going to come do an episode of Something's Burning? Fuck yes. Fuck yes. You tell me about the Eddie Bravo one, because Eddie Bravo is one of the funniest guys that's ever lived. Eddie Bravo comes in, and Sam doesn't drink and I go

you want a drink Eddie? And he's like fuck yeah! That's a good Eddie impression right? Fuck yeah! And so I make him a Tito's and soda and me and him start going drink for drink. Tito's for soda and he is on a fucking burner.

He is telling bits. He is killing top to bottom. At one point I go Eddie you stand in front of the Lord and you got one thing to tell him. You do great. He is telling bits. He is killing top to bottom. At one point I go, Eddie, you stand in front of the Lord and you got one thing to tell him. You do great. What is it? And he goes, I choke out motherfuckers with my legs. He told this story. He told a story about fucking a girl with a stinky pussy and stinky feet.

It's one of the funniest stories. He told me that in Australia. How funny is that story? Mixing colors. He said me that in Australia. Yes. How funny is that story? Like, mixing colors. Oh, my God. He said it was, like, blue and yellow, like, mixed green. Yeah. Smell.

Yeah, yeah. Smell. And he goes, I had to get her vitamins. I had to get her vitamins. I was in love with this girl. He brought out a book. He's, like, showing her about nutrition. Like, this is what's going on with your vagina. He is so fucking funny.

We did. And then, by the way, I had to do an integration for Solo Stove. So, like, we had to do the episode. And then at the end, you know, to pay for the thing, me, we all go outside and do an integration. We cook outside. And Eddie Bravo's going off about mosquitoes. I don't remember having itching sauce about when I was a kid. Then we go into my house.

We're still drinking. Isla comes down. She goes, and I go, hey, Isla, you've always wanted to do jujitsu. And Eddie's like, you'll never get raped. Jesus Christ. And he's awful. And then I sent her up to private lessons. Eddie is the, I'm telling you, man.

Eddie's very cool. He's the fucking greatest. He let me train when I was at my port. He let me train free for like two years. Dude, he, man, that guy, he murdered the heart. Him, something's about him. I gotta say. Oh, him, Mark Moonorman, that one's. Him, something's murdering him. I gotta say. Oh, him, Mark Norman, that one's blowing up.

Jeffrey's on this week. He's on right now. I have to say. Jeffrey? Jim Jeffries. Oh, Jim Jeffries. Jim Jeffries is fucking... It's great.

So many great episodes, but I'll tell you the one I'm looking forward to. Tim Dillon and Whitney Cummings. Oh my God, that's gonna be great. You know how I almost pass out when I laugh? Yeah. Four times. Tim Dillon, it started very casually. What are you making today, Bert?

And I go, well, and Whitney, you know, Tim, if you were making meals, what would you make us? And he looks at it and he goes, Percocet pudding, Whitney. That's his first joke. Because it's got Percocets in it, which you like, and it's pudding. He killed

the hardest I've... He's the best ranter. With him, the best ranter. He did a rant on this podcast about the decline of the American Empire.

I just let him go. You gotta let him go. It's one of the best rants I've ever heard. The best rant I've ever heard in my life. I listened to it with Isla. It's incredible. We just let him go. You got to let him go. It's one of the best rants I've ever heard. The best rant I've ever heard in my life. I listened to it with Isla. It's incredible.

And we're in the car. I'm drinking to her football game. We're listening to it. And I look over. She's smiling. And she's nodding. And she goes, who is this guy?

I said, you've met him. She goes, I know this guy. I go, yeah, he's coming to the house next week. She goes, can I meet him again? I said, yeah. So I'm doing the podcast with Tim. And Isla comes down.

She's like, I go, hey, Tim, give Isla some life advice. And Tim just goes on a fucking, she's 16. He's so fucking quick. Dude, all those guys, that generation, the Mark Norman, Tim Dillon. Shane Gillis. Shane Gillis. Have you seen the new Gillian Keys special? Oh, my God.

I haven't. Oh, I'm sitting at Dane Cook's special with Leanne. It's so funny. It is so funny. I bought it. I bought it on the thing. I'm sitting with Leanne and we're watching his special before Dane's special starts. Crying, laughing and the people around me are looking over

my shoulder, crying, fucking laughing. He is, Shane Gillis is fucking special, man. He's very, very very good he looks special he does look special a little bit he talks about that i know which is so funny have you seen the new bid he does about george washington museum that's great oh my god it's a good bit it's one of those bits where after it's over i'm like thank you he did it the rhyming we did this not happening at the rhyming it crushed the best was on Fully Loaded.

We took Georgia with. My oldest was PA, her and her friends. And they're all pretty woke, right? Like, they're kids. You know, they do their pronouns when they meet, you know, whatever. No. Yeah. Well, they're kids, Joe.

It's L.A. But they've never really seen live comedy. So Shane Gillis goes on stage. And immediately I'm like, when he starts talking about Trump, I'm waiting for George to just cringe. And I watched George and her friend, he goes into the George Washington thing and the black guy comes out and he goes, and George and her friend are like, and they're laughing. And I go, I go, what are you doing? She goes, I don't, it's just the way he says it, Dad.

It's so funny. And I know you're not supposed to laugh at this. I go, baby, it's okay. It's good to get a long laugh. By the end, they were obsessed with Shane. And every time Shane would go on, Shane, Attell, Big J. Big J is doing fucking that pronoun joke about fucking Demi Lovato. Oh, yeah.

And they're crying laughing. And then the whole time they just hung out with these guys. Last night, Shane Gillis comes up to George and her friend. He goes, you guys sneaking beers? And they're like, no. He goes, don't fucking lie to me. I'm not your dad. She goes, no.

And this is how much they like him. And they go, we're sneaking a couple beers. He goes, I won't say anything. Sits down right next to me. Your daughter's drunk. we're sneaking a couple beers. He goes, I won't say anything. Sits down right next to me.

Your daughter's drunk. Dude, watching kids, like young kids that are supposed to be woke watch great comedy. Because they love the release. They don't get it. They love the release of laughing at something wrong and they never get it. And they're like, oh, we've been missing this part.

Well, you know why? It's because there's not a lot of it out there. Right. They're not exposed to it enough. You know, comedy, like the idea that that is like, that it's bad to laugh at things that are obviously hilarious. It's like that this person has bad intentions when they're saying these things. That's not true know it's bullshit. It's talking shit. We know it's fake. It's just talking shit. I mean, that's one of the things that infuriated me so much

about people getting mad at Louis' leak set when that was all going down where they were saying, you know, it's a workout set. Not only is it a workout set, it's exactly what he's always done.

That was the part that was great when they were like, this guy's jumped. He's gone MAGA. He's gone, it's like, huh? Yeah, he's gone. And you were a fan before?

This is exactly what he was doing. He hasn't changed his philosophy in life at all. Yeah. It's just funny. He just says the things you're not supposed to say that are hilarious. Yeah. He's still so fucking funny. Oh, we saw him here at the Creek in the Cave.

It was fucking great. Yeah. Yeah. It was fucking great. And he's free now. People forget that a fucking master, it's like, we're living in the presence

of fucking some of the greatest people of all time at our profession. Yes. And the crop coming up now is fucking amazing. There's so many good comics coming up now. There's so many good comics. When David Lucas and Tony Hinchcliffe

go after each other on Kill Tony, I was a guest on Kill Tony the other day. I couldn't breathe. I was laughing so hard. I was just holding my side, wheezing. He's funny as shit. Lucas is a bad motherfucker. He's so good at talking shit to Tony, and Tony's so good

off the cuff. Tony's the best host of that kind of a show that's ever existed. He's so good. And he's been doing it so long now. He's so polished and so sharp. Oh, my God. This is such a good time for comedy, man.

That's why I'm so pumped to open up my club. Oh, I'm so excited. You got a date? Well, we're in the middle of it right now. Kerry Mitchell just sent me a photo of the new bar in the middle of the construction. It looks fucking great. Don't show it to me. Don't show it to me or my dick will get hard bar the place yeah yeah I've seen yeah it looks great this is a different I come out for the first week that's the bar oh you're

definitely coming out for the opening week brother that's a carry at the bar well it's being built right now that's Macy's do do opening week like when did you don't know we don't know but it probably be somewhere around January Give us a lot of late January. I'm gonna be in Europe all day. Okay. Don't wait. I'll wait for you. What are you doing? Well, I'm gonna have some soft openings. Anyway, we're gonna have some think I'm gonna April to know maybe we'll Wait up somewhere that we're up your hand or yeah, I'm doing the only thing I'm doing is England going over to London You're doing a tour? Yeah.

I'm doing, the only thing I'm doing is England. I'm going over to London. Oh, dude. In the middle of the month. I took Norman and almost killed that motherfucker. Oh, yeah. That was his first trip out there. He goes, how do I hang with Bert?

I'm like, throw some drinks into like a planter or something. Yeah, he said that thing about you. He was like, we get up, we drink, and the next morning I'm like, oh, I feel like I'm shitting blood. And then Bert's like, you want to go for a run? I'm like, no. I want to fucking.itting blood and then birds like you want to go for a run Well, I think that's what keeps you healthy that keeps you balanced is that you do Exercise like you you put two stressors on your body you put the alcohol stressor And then you jack up your metabolism and all your fucking hormones and everything for running and exercise It's the part that I miss and it's weird because I don't have the punitive voice in my head where I wake up and I go, all right, you did this to yourself.

Let's fucking go. Let's get up. Like this morning, my alarm went off at 630, and I was like, eh, I'll just keep sleeping. I feel good. I'll do the podcast. I'll work out tonight. Yeah. But if I drank last night, I'd be up at 630 in the gym.

It would motivate you to go. It motivates me to fucking work out. Dude, that's great, man. That's a great balance. I wish you didn't drink as much. That's why I was trying to tell you last night, just smoke more weed. Weed doesn't have the effect on your body.

That's why I miss the most during Sober October is weed. I don't necessarily miss the booze. My face looks better. I don't have the deep bags under my eyes when I don't drink. I know it's doing something bad to me. My brother sent me a picture of Bert. He was like oh look his skin looks better already and then i

was laughing at it but he goes i was actually being serious yeah my skin looks a lot better yeah my skin looks better at my end of my i deflate i was telling this to ari the number one thing that i noticed i deflate my face inflammation yeah itammation. In a second. I have had times where I've been partying so hard that my phone won't recognize my face. Because I just bloated. Jesus Christ. Really? His phone

is like, who the fuck is this? Who are you? Who's this Chinese guy? You need a phone with a fingerprint thing. You need to get an Android. You know the thing that I feel like I try to tackle the most that I struggle with is sleep. What do you mean?

Just that, like, overall, if you go, like, I like working out. So, like,

if I get into a habit of working out, it's not, I mean, the workouts can be challenging, but it's not like, man, I don't like doing this,

you know? So, like, you tackle that. And then, like, eating, that could be a challenge.

But again, like, if you start, like, eating salads, you're fine. Well, just start eating just start eating like a healthy hat you just build the habit yeah the thing that is i think the hardest for me to to master and i try to like think about it more is just getting good sleep have you ever tried one of those like eight sleep mattresses that cool you off no ever i have one and i haven't set it up yet, but every one that uses it says it's a fucking game changer.

Can I give you a tip? I try to think about it more, too. I realize that I used to think that sleep happens to you. So you go like, tonight was good. I don't know, man. You know what I mean? It just happens. And sort of start thinking in terms of like, you know, I'm in charge of at least attempting to make this a good night of sleep.

Can I give you a tip? Yeah. Don't look at your phone for an hour and a half before you go to sleep. That's a good one. That, that shit is, that's in there. It does something to your eyes.

I look at my phone right before I go to sleep. I sleep like a brick. You're a monkey. I listen to podcasts while I sleep. You do? And then have dreams that I'm fucking in history. My wife has a hard time sleeping. It drives her crazy.

And I could fall asleep on the dirt. Yeah, I can't. I could just lay down on dirt ground do you have you guys started the withdrawal dreams yet I had one night oh my god all dreams are horrific like being chased by wolves and shit what yeah they're all violent all my withdrawal dreams from marijuana I think it's all my dreams are all violent It reveals to me who you are. They're so violent. It's so crazy. Really? All violence.

My dreams are all violence. That's so nuts. Last night, my dream was that Aaron Judge came in for a pinch hit home run. Really? That was your dream? I'm being chased by wolves, and I'm trying to figure out if I should climb a tree. I fought a dude because he was pissed off that I fucked up his boat. Wow.

They're all violent. But I've been involved in violence for so long. Yeah, and you witness violence a lot. Yeah, I am so used to people getting injured. I've told this story before, but one time my wife, we had a hatchback, and she was taking something

out of the back of the trunk, and she stood up, and she didn't know that the corner of the hatchback was right there, and she cut her head, and she's bleeding, like pouring blood down her face. And I look at her, and I look at him like it's nothing

It's like a tiny little cut like it like it didn't bother me at all Yeah, I was like that's nothing to put some crazy glue on it or we can go to the doctor She's like fucking crazy glue I'm like thinking about it what I would do like if I look at that cut I would go we got crazy good I'll put a little crazy glue in there and squeeze it together and put a little band-aid on it and be all right but like I'm so used to seeing people injured. She's gonna know that's your love language. I'll put a little crazy glue in there and squeeze it together and put a little band-aid on it And be all right, but like I'm so used to seeing people injured. She's gonna know that's your love language I've seen a thousand people

Knocked unconscious. Yeah, I'm like real right in front. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I get like from three feet away It's so accustomed to that's what like if I know you'll never write a self-help book But I want to find the motivators that cause greatness. Like, I liked Cam Haynes' book because he talked about his father and his relationship with his father, his father being a runner, and ultimately how that drives him to run because it's something he's trying to... Like, I can connect with broken parts of men where I can find that brokenness in me and go, oh, shit, because I was like, oh, maybe that's why I fucking run. My dad was a runner. Oh shit.

And then you start going, oh, this is normal. This is part of, you know, I'd be curious to know, because you're a pretty weird dude with like motivation, you know, like what motivates you to work out is like, oh, I think about people raping my family. I would love to get to the base. I don't think about people raping my family. Yeah, you do.

What the fuck is wrong? Yeah, you do. Yeah, you to the base. I don't think about people raping my family. Yeah, you do. No, I don't. No, but you have said like, this is birding. He's birdifying it. You said I think about people trying to kill me. You said that before. Well, I definitely do if I'm getting tired. So if I'm in the middle of a workout and I'm tired, I say, imagine

if I had to save a loved one's life right now. How would I respond? I'd just get angry. And I'm sure there's rape in there. That's why I meant. I don't think about that. Bert puts himself in the place of the attacker. And he goes, well, if I was there, I may as well get some rapes in.

I'm killing you. I might rape you, too. I mean, it's not like an extra charge. I'm going to jail forever. Whenever you see a serial killer who doesn't rape, you're like, what the fuck are you doing, dude? Max, mind your time. Yeah, I just, I don't know. It's so crazy if you're going to kill not to rape.

I agree. Save one for after death. That was the Bundy way. That was so new. You could do better. It is nicer. It's more compassionate. Most people would rape and then kill.

Bundy was like, I'm going to kill you first. Change of the game. Yeah. Totally. I'm going to kill you first. You just drop him. I'm going to kill you first. Have you guys seen the Dahmer thing on Netflix?

Deep, deep. I've heard it's fucking great. It's really, really well done. There's a little bit of, you know, they obviously dramatize it to be compelling television. How can you dramatize that story? They dramatize the story in terms of there are things that are not factually accurate, but there's things that are factually accurate, too. But that kid is fucking, Evan Peters, I think, plays him.

He's phenomenal. Yeah. Yeah, and is fucking, Evan Peters, I think, plays him. He's phenomenal. Yeah. Yeah, and there's, I mean, it's dark. It's fucking, it's really well done. I did a commercial with the last guy. You know who was, who's the fucking Arrow guy from Marvel? Chris Pine. Hawkeye.

Hawkeye. Yeah, Hawkeye. Shotgun McGee. The guy who plays him? Yeah. He's a nice guy. Jeremy Renner. Yeah.

One of my first, my first commercial. He was doing one and he was like broke and he was getting sagged, like we'll give you some money to pay your rent kind of thing. And he goes, yeah, I got a movie, it hasn't come out yet, but we'll see. And it was just like independent Jeffrey Dahmer movie. Oh, right. Because he played Dahmer too. And then just launched him after that. Wow.

Oh, shit. Yeah. He played Dahmer. He was one of those Jason Bourne guys in one of the movies. He was. That one didn't do as great. But it was good. Yeah.

Compared to the other ones? No? No. It's tough to take over a franchise. Yeah, to take over. I liked him in The Town. He was a badass with Ben Fleck. Oh, yeah.

That's right. He was in The Town, too. He's fucking great. He was a nice dude. There he is. That guy's a bad motherfucker. How different is that look to Dahmer to the new look to Dahmer? The new look to Dahmer, it really looks like Dahmer.

I got to say. This guy. That's pretty close. Yeah, that guy's pretty close. I'm going to have a hard time seeing Dahmer. He does the Wisconsin accent. I got to say, I fucking hate Hawkeye, though. That stupid Marvel character.

All he has is a bow and arrow. It's so dumb. Everybody else is the Hulk, and they fucking can do crazy shit and dr strange can summon other universes and this dude's just shooting shitty arrows there's aliens flying around in spaceships and he's shooting arrows out i'm like this is so dumb and he never runs out of arrows i can't get into any of those infuriates are you kidding me it's also cut paced by numbers anybody new comes in they have a beef like it's my crew i mean i've gone to see them and you just go the thing is that there's

you know the blueprint of the film you know so i like more surprise because like you know you see the conflict coming then you go this is gonna have him down for a little bit then the bad guy's gonna you know look like he's gonna win this thing, and then he will beat him. Or even if the bad guy wins, then they go, we went back in time. And what's wild is that they do billions at the box office every time. I love those movies. I love them too.

I love them. They're fun. Well, I grew up reading comic books. Yeah. But I like a dark one. I like when they show the real conflict of something. Like the Watchmen? Watchmen or Dark Knight.

The Dark Knight stuff was unbelievable. Venom was cool. With Chris Nolan stuff? Those were amazing. A conflicted superhero. The problem with Batman is he's just a rich guy. Why does he got all that stuff? Where does he get all these powers from?

He's got none. He's at the peak of what you can do if you train. But it's not real. He's Bert if you stop drinking. I'm Batman. You're Batman. You're Batman. Maybe I'll lean into just do like November weed.

Just weed? Just weed in November. I'd love to be a weed guy, but it's just not my thing. Well, you just like to get crazy and take your shirt off. When you took your shirt off last night on stage and the place went nuts, there was a lady in the front row that got up and started doing this. I didn't have to say his name. I was like, hey, this is my friend. And then you just walked. I was like, yeah, I want to introduce you.

They went crazy. And then you took the shirt off and took it to another level. That was great fun last night. That was a lot of fun. That was great fun last night. That was so much fun. It's really important to do, I've found since the last time I did a spot there, it's really important to do short sets to stay loose in what your talent is, but it does not translate to theaters or arenas.

What do you mean? Like the energy- So much more conversational. So much more conversational, so much more fun, so much more interactive. And then you go to an arena and you're like, you talk to one person the front row then there's fucking 12,000 other people going what yeah, I don't know what that guy looks. No. It's definitely different Tommy was different timing When I started doing theaters Tom texted me was like he called me and you're like just letting you know

It's a different pacing. It's a different. It's a little bit of a different muscle and I was like no No, I got this and I remember my first theater gig. I was done in 35 minutes Wow, and I was like whoa he's right And I was like I don't have that much material like I have a lot of fucking around with an audience and hey Ask him a question. I already have the answer to then you know that's the energy when you do theater You like you got a fucking prison act Especially arena, so tell me you gotta do the bits That's the energy. When you do theater, you got to fucking- Presenting. Yeah, you got to have that. Especially arenas. I told Tony-

You got to do the bits. You got to do the written, the best stuff you got. Also, on the other side is you hold laughs longer. And it's important to do that because the people are still thinking about what you just said. I told Tony he was doing his first theater, I think with Jeff Ross or something, and I was like, slow down. And he goes, okay. And then I was like, hey, Tony, slow down. And then he's like, okay. And then he was like, hey, Tony, slow down. And then he's like, okay.

And then he was afterwards like, that was really good advice. Yeah. It's a different thing. But I think it's like cross training. I think if you just do those, it's not good. Right. Because it's very difficult to come up with new material. You're not coming up with shit when you're doing 16,000 people.

No, exactly. And you're in the round. You ain't coming up with any new ideas. Geraldo talked about it. He said it's almost a different sport. Yeah. Especially in town. Like in town club comedy where you're like not the show.

And you're on top of them. Versus headline. Like if you're at the cellar, the audience is literally where you guys are. Yeah. They're on top of you. You can eat fries off the plate. You also feel like you can take a little bit of a risk in those big ass arenas. Like a new line or something. it does a with hand and you

Immediately are like I'm going right with that to what I write back to the real shit You can't I don't know how anybody who just as arenas ever comes up with new material Yeah, you can write you can write in those I Always do my new hours out on the road Yeah, no I'm sure but if it's not as easy if you try and like an on the edge joke at like the stand or somewhere they don't know you and then like they don't go for it like you're just not gonna get them back they're like we've lost faith in you I don't know who you are I don't

like this that's very true that happened to me in the OR the other night OR can be OR can be a fucking a tricky whore who passes out in the middle of fucking. Yeah. What? You ever? Oh, wow. Tricky whore who passes out in the middle of fucking. You should call the doctor. Yeah. She's probably having a fentanyl overdose. It's a good special. But I've had that. There's the OR sets that have gone down.

Oh, yeah. Especially if you go, I'm going to work on a bit here. And then you start and you're like, and then every word that comes out of your mouth feels so scripted. Yeah. And you're like, and then every word that comes out of your mouth feels so scripted. And you're like, I'm trying to work, goddammit. Why won't you guys just go with me for a second? You start feeling like a phony. And then you bail on it.

You're like, fuck that. If you come off the road, like when I'd open for you and I'd be presentational and stuff, and you come back to, or just headlining, you come back to the store and it's just like, oh, I'm presenting instead of talking to them. And you're following somebody who just was like. Yeah, you follow like Tony Woods or something like who's so natural.

Oh, yeah. And then you're like. Tony's the most natural. The most. And you're like, you've negated my game. Tony kills in the green room. Tony was in the green room and there was this open mic that kept chiming. He goes, motherfucker, do you hear me talking?

It was hilarious because it was like, you know, just a young guy who was just a little too eager and wanted to like chime in too and Tony's in the middle of his rants and we're all just sitting there letting Tony rant

and this guy's like chiming in and Tony's like motherfucker do you hear me talking it was hilarious yeah who caught you on it oh my god

well the guy was cock blocking the guy was jumping in in the middle of his brilliant rant I love a club of all the things it's just like

I love them all that's the most- Okay. Yeah, but you haven't done an arena, Ari. I've not done an arena. But I've done theaters. You've never done an arena? I want to bring you with me to one of these fucking MGM grand shows.

Dude. These crazy ones. If you bring me to one, you've got to bring me to two because I'm going to adjust. I'm going to figure something out after I do it. One and done. And you get paid in a row. And a watch. And a watch.

And a watch. Yeah. You're wearing a watch. I'm going to get you a suit. I want to get And a watch. You're wearing a watch. I'm going to get you a suit. Would you wear a suit? I have eight suits. It's the best part of my game. I get them hand-tailored in Hong Kong. They look like shit.

Fuck you! My suit game is the best in comedy. It's the best in comedy. That's not true. It is by far true. It's not true. Who has a better suit game than me? I have pretty nice suits What do you mean?

Like who has more suits than you? Who has cooler, more interesting Me Better Nah dude 100% That's terrible You look like a Canadian

That just fucking came over On a fishing boat Look at that shit dude Yeah that's like a Doug Stanhope Look how good Tom Hopper looks That actually looks pretty good That looks great That's kinda cool

I do not own one suit Have you thought about bringing This is not happening Back to some sort of a streaming platform or something? I think about it all the time. I need your and Tom's help. Let's do it. What about me? Yeah, what about Bird?

You just left him out. That's not a bad suit. I'll give it to you. I'll give it to you. That's a nice suit. That is a cool suit. That's a pretty good suit. Thank you.

My birthday suit. That is a cool suit. That's a pretty good suit. Thank you. My birthday suit. We had, when we did the MGM, when Brian Simpson, Tony, Hans Kim, and I did the MGM, we all got tailored suits from David August. That's rad. Fucking incredible. I mean, there's just like a bespoke suit. Jamie, you got that photo of all of us together? Yeah, when it's made for you. Yeah.

When they tailor. Well, I have to wear suits that are made for me. And even then, it's like, it's tough to fit. Yeah, I'm the same way. My body, yeah. Yeah. When they tailor. Well, I have to wear suits that are made for me. And even then, it's tough to fit. Yeah, I'm the same way. My body, yeah. Yeah, 100%. I don't have a suit. You don't have a suit?

I don't own one suit. A suit? What? Look at this. I don't own a suit. Yeah, you guys look clean, dude. Come on, son. Pocket squares.

Look at Jamie with a sunglasses on. Yeah. Those look nice. You guys look great. Jamie's right out of Pulp Fiction. This looks like Pulp Fiction. Maybe I'll get a suit at the end of Sober October. Fuck yeah. There you go. Get my body to the point. With your new measurements? Yeah. And then never be of Pulp Fiction. This looks like Pulp Fiction. Maybe I'll get a suit at the end of Sober October. Fuck yeah.

There you go. Get my body to the point. With your new measurements? And then never be able to wear it again. You'll be able to fit into it for one week. Yeah. I remember the last Sober October. But look at Tom.

Remember when you guys first did the weight loss challenge? Look at Tom now. He's 208. 208? That's your new? He works out every fucking day. That's nuts. You could be under 200 pounds.

Oh, yeah. Wow. Yeah. Tom could be 195 and fucking day. That's nuts. You could be under 200 pounds. Oh, yeah. Wow. Yeah. Tom could be 195 and fucking shredded. He looks good. Trying. Well, it's amazing, the consistency in your workouts. I mean, the real consistency, too, is on the road.

I'm on the road so much. We work out almost every day. You take a guy with you? Yeah. You do. He does, too. His trainer is also an amazing photographer he is sean nicks two birds with one stone that's nice yeah so he's a he's a real photographer and

a certified and he's fucking jacked so he's like it's great because you're you're around somebody who's disciplined you know what i mean so every day it's like you know i look at what he eats so i'm like i'll eat that you know when are we going what are we doing today what workouts are we doing i just do what he does in the workout so like, I'll eat that. What are we doing today? What workouts are we doing? I just do what he does in the workouts. Nice. Just following someone's example, and then it becomes a habit. That's definitely easier to farm it off to someone. Oh, yeah.

I'm bringing my trainer on the road with me in October. Look at this. Look at this motherfucker going. Damn, dude. Look how thin you are, dude. Is that Tom? No, that's Sean. That's Sean.

I was like, Jesus Christ, Tom. No, that's Sean. Yeah. That's I was like, Jesus Christ, Tom. No, that's Sean. Yeah. That's cool that you guys cut your hair like each other. People always, they're like, you guys brothers? And I'm always like, I'm sorry, dude. Who's that one? That's him.

That's his trainer. Yeah. Yeah, you really do have the same haircut. I know. Pretty fucking similar. But that is a huge thing that you could do to bring someone on the road with you and train with them and make sure that you get shit done. But look how thin you are, dude.

You're so much smaller. It's kind of amazing. Than that even, yeah. How good do you feel? I feel great, man. I feel great. I mean, you start moving better. You feel lighter.

Lighter, yeah. Breathe easier. Joints feel better. Everything feels better. How's your arm doing? It's much better, man. I mean, I'm going for another follow-up for the nerve stuff in like a couple weeks, but it's... Do you like that?

Put your hand out there. And you can clutch and everything? Oh, yeah. All good? Oh, yeah. Shout out to your doctor. Yeah, Dr. Saruya did this one. Your grip strength is definitely still weaker than the right hand.

And there is weight where your wrist will eventually collapse your weight the the weight will collect so like if I'm holding dumbbells you know like and I can do I can like I can hold them but at a certain weight let's say they're like you know like 60 pound dumbbells or something I'll start I'll be fine here and you'll see this one just will start to go like like that you do wrist curls uh no is it still recuperating oh yeah it's a three-year recovery the nerve wow you know what i love man is rollers where you got a roller with the cord and the weights at the bottom you do this shit oh yeah

and you lost that basketball game before you were already losing or no well we'd lost the game then we then we did our comp we did our dumb conscious kate fletcher gave me a great speech about getting hurt because we were we all went on this crazy hike and he was like and you know you know how i talk out my ass and tate just is not having it and he was like you're a decommissioned athlete he's like you think your body is what it was when you were a kid and it's not and that's how you get fucking hurt that's how you get hurt you think you can do everything you could do when you're a kid because you could do when you're a kid you can't do and that's how you get fucking hurt that's how you get hurt you think you can do everything you could do when you're a kid because you could do it when you're a kid you can't do it

that's how you get hurt and i was like that was the first time i was like oh that's what happened when we played basketball a hundred percent what happened and we also did something that i mean it's it's exactly what he's saying but especially when you get into jumping yeah if you don't if you don't jump all the time and you go i'm gonna jump my ass off you have you have explosive movement but you don't have explosive strength time, then you go, I'm going to jump my ass off today. You have explosive movement, but you don't have explosive strength. Yeah. So it's like in between time. Like a 75-year-old would never think to jump.

Of course. All the stabilizer muscles. Yeah. You got to like work it. We played basketball last week, though. Played two on two and played full game. How – what are you going to drop down to? Do you have a goal?

A weak goal? No, because, you know, I remember like being real fat as a freshman in college and losing weight and being and thinking that a number was the goal like at first i was like i was like i want to wait 225 because i i saw like nfl linebackers i was like that's a good weight and then i got down to 225 i'm like i don't look like them so i just kept losing weight and i like even now like i'm like 208 209 and i feel like if i go oh it's 200 i'd rather just focus on what i feel like and look like and go like that's the way that i'd rather be at then hunt the number you know what i mean yeah that makes sense i think i think i'll because also like you're gaining muscle yeah right so your

weight is getting higher but your body fat's getting lower yeah so i don't know what the like the final number will be i think it's definitely i'm i'm i have a build that i should be like between 190 and 200 i think you know that's what i think i should be and so that's like kind of like the range yeah but as you're putting on muscle i mean it might maybe you'll be heavier maybe i'll be heavier yeah yeah i put on muscle pretty quickly. What do you weigh now? 80,000 pounds. Is it 80,000, Bert? Is it over or less than 80,000? It's so funny.

Would you say it's over? I think under now because of a few days. I do it in stone. But wait, be honest. What were you up to a couple months ago? Because you were at 265. 265. 265.

I told that to, who did I tell that to? What? I told that to like a- That's Francis Ngannou's weight. They look the same. That's how I thought I would look at 225. I was like, I'll look like that. I was talking to like a man.

Like when you talk to like men, it's different than, you're a man, but like us. So like if you say that- What? You hold people to a standard like an athlete if you've competed at a high level you see things at a high level like you know like Eddie

it's hard to bullshit with Eddie about like false claims about exercise and stuff. About physical fitness so I said to someone who goes how much were you at your heaviest I said 265 he goes 270 I went no 265 he goes no no no let's be very clear there wereiest? I said, 265. He goes, 270? I went, no, 265. He goes, no, no, no, no. Let's be very clear.

There were days you were 270. You just didn't get on the scale. And I went, oh, yeah, you're right, probably 270. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. It's the way a man works, you know? I go, 265. He goes, how did I?

That's the day I stepped on the scale thinking I was really 250. Yeah, I used to do that. I was 211 when I got back from Italy. Damn. That's big for you. Fat as fuck, dude. I had a roll. Yeah? What? I was feeling a roll right here. Damn. That's big for you. Fat as fuck, dude. I had a roll. What?

I was feeling a roll right here. Damn. Can I please link that shirtless picture of you? No. Don't do that. I sent it to my wife. I go squad goals. I did a photo shoot, and I did one picture of me naked swinging a baseball bat.

And just randomly, I saw like a delt and a bicep and then I spent the rest of the photo shoot trying to flex and you can't see anything I'm fucking sore as fuck the next day I think I pulled my kidney 265 if we can get you off the booze for a long period of time and get you working out

I think you would be a fucking freak athlete booze alone would do it what do you weigh now? I really don't know when I think you would be a fucking freak athlete. I really do. Booze alone would do it. Wait, what do you weigh now? You already work out. What do you weigh now? I really don't know. I think probably 247. When I saw you play tennis against Tom, I'm like, this motherfucker is an athlete. He has. He's an understated athlete.

His golf swing is incredible. Swimming. Baseball. Hand-eye coordination. Hand-eye coordination. He can play pool, too. I know. You guys were doing Two Bears, and I heard you guys talk about archery.

Yeah. One of my favorite moments ever. We were doing- I remember this. We were doing Two Bears, and I heard you guys talk about archery. One of my favorite moments ever. We were doing Go Big Show. And I would have bet, by the way. I knew already. I would have bet fucking 10 grand that you had done that. We had a trick archer up there who was doing trick archery shots. I've always been into archery, but whatever.

And I always know I'm pretty good at archery. And so I go, hey, man, can I see your bow and arrow? I want to take a shot. And he was like, okay. And Snoop is like, no, no, that's not. He's going to fucking kill one of us. And I go, Snoop, I think I can do it. And I know I can.

And he goes, no, we're like maybe 50 feet from the target. And I line it up out of nowhere and just bullseye. And Snoop lost his shit. And I was like, that's the, but I like that energy more than being, yeah, I like talking shit and surprising someone.

You like being good at something. That's party energy. Working hard at something. That's party energy. It's the guy going, I can do a backflip, you know? I'm the opposite.

I just get obsessed with things until I just want to get perfected at it. And it never happens. You never perfect something, but you get closer and closer and closer. And you get these moments. Like playing pool is a great example. There's moments where you just know exactly where the ball's going. I love that. In the zone.

I'd be curious if you looked at my form and my archery and that trick shot. If you go, oh, he knows what he's doing. Well, it's a different kind of archery because what you're doing is traditional archery. What I do is like compound archery. My shit is like I use like a range finder and I have a scale on my site where I range like at 65 yards. I'll dial it into 65 yards. And I'm shooting at 85 yards to an index card. So at 85 yards, I'm shooting at something that's this big.

You couldn't do it the way you do it, Bert. It's a different thing. We went out ski shooting. I don't know how to shoot like traditional archery. I'm shooting at something that's this big. You couldn't do it the way you do it, Bert. It's a different thing. We went out ski shooting. I don't know how to shoot traditional archery. I'm terrible at it. I was with my family. We were in Hawaii and they have this archery course. Oh, really? It's that different? Yeah. I mean, I could do it

but I don't know how to aim. You're supposed to aim the way I do it is with compound bow and I pull it back and it's all centered. The bow is matched to my frame. So I have a 28-and-a-half-inch draw because that's how far my arms are when they're fully extended. And then the peep sight is at like exactly like 5.7 inches here, and I'm looking through this thing, and I center the housing with it. It's like you're balancing all these things out together.

It's very zen because in that moment, you're not thinking about anything else other than the execution of the shot and making sure it releases perfectly. And it's just, there's something about thinking about something like that overcomes, that's jujitsu and archery and pool. You don't think about anything else other than that thing while you're doing it. And that is sort of like a moving meditation. Archery in many ways is like a moving meditation because you're so engrossed in the technique that you don't think about anything else. No life issues, nothing else.

And even if you never hunt or never do a competition or something, there's something about shooting a target over and over again. It just clears your mind. The cool thing about what you do from my perspective and you and Cam and all those guys, the thing I think is sexy is the fucking seeing it and then your heart's racing. Holding your breath, keeping your breath, tracking it. Sports racing, holding your breath, keeping your breath, tracking it. I've watched a lot of those Rinella videos on Netflix. The energy that happens that whole moment. It's almost like finding a needle in a haystack.

You finally see an elk, and then you've got to apply all the shit you do in your range. You've got to apply it to it when you haven't slept well. But your nerves come up. You haven't slept well. You slept on a rock. Your fucking nerves are up. You get one fucking shot. That's the cool You gotta be still your your heart's gotta be still a lot going on man. There's a lot going on, but it's also the

It's obsessive you get obsessed by it, and I think there's something about obsession That's good for the mind like getting like really focused on things it keeps your mind active in a very unusual way You got something like that do you like? Jerking off? Maybe stand-up. I don't know. Yeah, stand-up. Stand-up.

Dude, I'm helping Big J do his special now, and that's all I think about is just making sure everything's run right. Yeah. Yeah, shit like that. Yeah, man. Watching him when fully loaded. For the first time, I saw him in an arena. Big Jay. You know, Big Jay is

always the guy who fucks around. Little fucking buzz on stage. Fuck around with the audience. 12,000 people. He sits on a stool and destroyed me, Shane, Dave Attell. We're back there watching him like, and

murdered and just didn't move. Big Jay. One leg out, one leg up on the stool, Eagles jersey, just fucking destroyed. He's a fucking pro. He's such a pro. He had this weird training where he'd always go on after a tell late night at the cellar, and he'd also open for corn and stuff. So he's doing these massive venues- He opened for corn?

On their tour, on some music festival kind of tour he did one of the hardest things too where um we did the oddball tour a few years ago he would open that and everybody's like fuck that like nobody wants to do it and he embraced it and like you know you have people being sat and all this shit he would fucking we went out we went out we had to introduce a big band at rock in the range in columbus and it was like 20,000 people out there and the two of us went out just to say also we have a comedy show and we went out and I'm Just like freeze. I'm like what the fuck and then somebody's like somebody like yelled out from the crowd something and and Jay just Rips in turns 18,000 people against this one guy We had him we had him for fully. He was going to host all the

shows. Just host them because he's so good at it. And that first night he went out and did it because he missed the first night. We had Dave Williamson host. Next night we're like, why don't you just do a spot and then we'll switch it up. And after watching his spot, we're like, oh man, he just needs to do sets. Fucking 20 minutes of

just material. Like, material. Yeah. Fucking of just material. Like, material. Yeah. Fucking brilliant, man. Yeah, you think he just does crowd work, but he disguises everything. Yeah. So it's like,

he does, he is one of the best crowd work guys in the country. And it's real crowd work. But it's real crowd work. It's not bullshit crowd work. It's not like he has

like a pre-planned thing that he's going to say to people. Someone will attack him like in the audience at a small club and he'll be like, okay, that's a good way of looking

at it. He just stays in the pocket and just smooth it. Big J, Ian Bagg. Ian Bagg's crowd work is dangerously flawless. He's underrated. People sleep on how fucking talented that

guy is. We did South Africa and there's people that, it's a cultural thing, certain tribes or whatever, people would have dyed hair, like dyed, you know? And one of the people running the festival was like, oh yeah, they're from, you know, whatever, this group, and it's like a religious cultural thing, dyed orange, and he's like, hmm, okay.

And he gets up there, and he's like, you look like an orangutan, you know orange and he's like, hmm, okay. And he gets up there and he's like, you look like an orangutan. You know that? And we were like, oh my God. But his delivery and the way that he says it, it just, the lady was backstage panicking and he was just the guy and everybody, they were all just dying.

I don't know him. Are you serious? You don't know Ian Bagg? No, I don't know him. You don't know of him? I know of him. I watched him go on stage. Nice guy.

And he does so much crowd work. He picked out what car everyone drove in the front row. You look like a Toyota Tacoma guy. Let me see a picture of Ian Bagg. I do, I do. He did a special for Showtime of crowd work with a few bits. And you know how sometimes I can be lost in a special it delivered so fucking hard in back clowns the audience

is that it look at him he is so quick he is so so good funny yeah he might be the best actually and no joke he's you'd have to nominate him it at least put him in there running for it Who else does great crowd work? Ian, Jay. Jay's fantastic. I need to watch some of Ian's sets. I'm not really familiar with his material. What's your fucking deal?

You know what? When you get your club open, have him come do a weekend down there, and you will be – in a minute, Joe, you're going to be like – and then at the end of the week, and tell me if I'm wrong, you'll be talking like this too. Yeah. Oh, you know who's a funny fucker? Titty, titty, finger bang.

Sam Talent. Dude. Sam Talent's really funny. He's a funny motherfucker. Yeah, that's great. Yeah, I got to meet him. He came down to the club when we were like

doing a little tour of it and showing like what the construction is and everything. Got a chance to hang out with him a little bit. I like him. Funny dude, man.

Cool, super smart. Very funny guy. He wrote one of the best books on Stan. I keep hearing that. Yeah, Stan Hope gave it to me. with him a little bit. I like him. Funny dude, man. Cool, super smart. Very funny guy. He wrote one of the best books on Stan. I keep hearing that. Yeah, Stanhope gave it to me. He said it's great. The funniest thing about that book, it was great,

but he had different comics read each chapter for the audio book, and how little comedians know how to actually read was just exposed. I read the first chapter. Fumbling over. I couldn't read out loud at all.

I'm a bad out loud reader. My audio book, I was sold first chapter. Fumbling over. I couldn't read out loud at all. I'm a bad out loud reader. My audio book. Getting your fucking text is a real experience. Oh, your text is so ridiculous. He had the drunk excuse before. I'm like, do you look at those? They haven't gotten much better. Do you look at them before you send them?

I do not. And you're like, what? I can't see if I don't have my glasses on, so I just send it. How bad is your vision? I have amazing vision from far away, but I can't see shit up close. You know what stopped my vision loss? I started taking something called macular support. Seriously?

Pure encapsulation, macular support. I mean, my vision's not great. Yeah, mine's declining. It never got worse. It went to a spot where I can read my phone. Oh, I can't read my phone. It's not bad. I can read the phone like I can't read my phone doesn't it's it's not bad I can macular macular support your encapsulations got lutein a bunch of different things in it But I've been taking it regularly for years and it makes a difference man. Yeah, we'll be right now

It's like my my my vision got pretty shitty for but are you got the fucking the surgery? It's already going bad. It's a go bad. It's just starting to go back. Really? Yeah. That happens. That happens. Because your macular degeneration continues even after you get the surgery. Ah.

Yeah. Well, there's a thing now that Andrew Huberman was telling me about where it's like some sort of bacteria and they, I'm going to butcher this, they inject it into your eye and it it actually corrects your vision whoa and i'm like but what if it goes bad i'm scared of it there's always my vision's not bad right now it's like it's okay there's this uh small percentage thing that happens in lasix where somebody's vision will just go orange oh no whole yeah permanently well this guy that i met one of my daughter's friends Dad's has the head the Lasix now. He can't drive at night. He can't cuz it's hate he sees halos all the logo

Did it go away? No no he can't drive at night damn like he drives at night, and he's like can't see anything He goes like the all the headlights or them. Do you ever see what it looks like see? For a couple weeks halo halo vision all the headlights. Have you ever seen what it looks like? See, pull up an image of Halo, Halo vision due to Lasix. It's not good, man. It's like this. Yeah.

So that's what he sees. So like upper right hand corner, Jamie, upper right hand corner, Halo. That's it. So that's what he sees. Like when he sees a light,

everything around that light is obscured by like a haze. Yeah. So he can't drive at night. Shit. At all. He's like, I see pretty good in the day. I can read books, but at nighttime, I'm fucked. He goes, so I can't drive cars.

That's fucked. That's fucked. And you had the surgery. It makes it worse. The second I got it, they're like, hey, but just so you know, you're nearsighted. That's still going to fade. Immediately, I couldn't see a book this close.

I had to put it out. Like the next day, it was like, I was like, hey, hey did you said it would go away slowly he goes no maybe right away I made you right away I got your money bitch yeah that's my dick hey forgot that the last picture I showed it's sitting that right there everybody I think you can now yeah guys I there you go, guys. I don't know. We might be in trouble. Hey, this might be the one. Do you think when people, do you think, I think about death a lot. And do you think when people die, they're like, hey, put my glasses on so I can see

everybody. No. I think you're thinking about dying. I think about dying a lot. Do you? Well, maybe you should be a little happier. I think you should look into it. Yeah, no.

It's one of the benefits of Sober October is I wake up going, hey, man, I'm not dying today. Wait, were you serious that your recovery's better with tequila than no drink? Hardcore better. Hardcore better? Hardcore better. Like you see the stat? I have a 98% recovery on tequila one time. And what is it like?

70s. Let's see what it is in a week or two. But you also, you have to realize we're at day six, so your body's adapting. Yeah, that's true. So your body's adapting. Yeah. That's true. There was a thing you were doing the other night and we were going to give you a pass.

It was such a brutal thing, that thing that you had to do. I couldn't take it. I wanted you to fail so bad so I could get out of it. I wanted you to fail so bad. I got your text. I got your text. And there was- You're allowed.

I said three drinks too. Yeah. Give him three drinks. You said three drinks. Because you give him one drink and he'll be like, why even? That's nothing. I can't. Yeah. Give him three drinks. You said, could you give him one drink? And he'll be like, why even? That's nothing. I can't.

I can't have one. Well, the, the, the, the conversation in my head is interesting because here's what my brain went. You said you get three drinks and I went and I said, and I said to Leanne, I got three drinks tonight if I want them. The problem is I'd be chasing them all night. And then that night, what I did is I went I did is I went out and then I went to dinner with Leanne. And I wasn't chasing any drinks.

I had like a Diet Coke and it was nice. We had dinner. And then I got in the car and I drove both of us home. Normally she drives. And then I put on pajamas. I got excited for pajamas. And then I laid in bed and I woke up. And that's the thing I wish I could get a hold of, where I just go, oh, tonight's not a night.

I'm chasing drinks. So there's pros and cons, right? So the pros of drinking all the time is you're the life of the party. You're the guy. You're the guy. You go on stage. You get to live life. You get to see in other people's eyes.

But you can do that once in a while. There's a rant that you did that is on a video somewhere of you talking about how you love drinking. I never quit. It's a great rant. It's so great. It's a love letter to alcohol. It's a love letter to that feeling that we all get when you have a couple of cocktails and you see a sunrise. And it's just like, ah, or a sunset.

You see just something beautiful. It's like there's a feeling when you just start to catch a buzz That is such a fucking beautiful ride. No way. I remember During pandemic I didn't drink and then one one night wait what during the pandemic? I didn't drink for like three months and then the first three months. What the fuck are you talking about? I just I just know you and what happens is if I keep asking questions, you'll be like, well, all right There was there was a few days. Yeah if I keep asking questions,

you'll be like, well, all right. There was, there was a few days. Yeah, exactly. The last drink I had was on the tour bus going into the city.

And then, and then I didn't drink. For three months. Okay. Maybe two, whatever. Maybe four days. It was, it was definitely a long time.

At all? No drinks? No booze. Because I was at home with my kids. He'll be like, I haven't been drinking in a while. And I'll be like, how long?

And he'll go like weeks. And I go, no, he goes, well, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday was Liam's birthday. I be like, I haven't been drinking in a while. And I'll be like, how long? And he'll go, like, weeks. And I go, no. He goes, well, Saturday. This is why I fucking said it. Saturday was Liam's birthday. I'm like, well, then that's the last time you drank. Well, hold on. Stop, stop, stop.

I definitely, I went a long stretch at the beginning of the pandemic without drinking. I think it was three months. It was definitely before I went on tour for the outdoor thing. You're going to go to the bathroom, right? You're not going to piss in the hallway, right? Because you're sober. Because I'm sober. I'll go all to go to the bathroom, right? You're not going to piss in the hallway, right? Because you're sober. Because I'm sober. I'll go all the way to the

bathroom. We still have a jug of his piss. No, someone threw it out. Oh my god. We had a giant whiskey bottle filled with Ari's piss. It was hilarious because he was peeing in the hallway. We got a camera, the security camera. He was like, why are you filming me? I'm like, we're filming everything, bro.

This is a high security place. The bathroom's like another 20 feet. No, you couldn't make it. You've justified it. Yeah, you guys get fucked up on those protect your parks. Oh, yeah. Can I tell you, I'm a little jealous that all our tour is sober. Feeding his dick like a snake into a rat hole. That looks like a picture you put in front of a 7-Eleven, like this man.

Yeah, this guy. Right next to the Jimi Hendrix painting. And I'm bent over because I'm like almost ready to pass out. It's the Stockton serial killer right there. Look how filled that fucking whiskey jug is too. He pissed in that a couple of times. God.

Fun times. Protect our parks are fucking awesome. Those look fun. It's the most fun. They're so fun. Are we doing November? November our parks are fucking awesome. Those look fun. It's the most fun. They're so fun. Are we due in November? November 2nd, I think. Yes.

Yeah, we're going to do it. Oh, you're going to turn loose. You're having your first drink with them and not us? No. I'll have my first drink with you. I mean, I'll have a second drink with them. I'll have my first drink with you. November 2nd, my birthday is November 3rd.

I'd be happy. Do you want to get together November 1st? Let's tie one on. Fuck it. Let's go. Come here. Let's go. Let's fucking go. November 1st? Let's tie one on. Fuck it. Let's go. Come here. Let's go. Let's fucking go.

November 1st? Let's have some barbecue. Drink some beers. The best feeling is that first drink when I... So the first Sober October we did, me and Ari met up in New Orleans. We had our first drink together. Yeah. And there was...

I'm here November 1st. Malorts, right? Something like that. You're here? November 1st. Tommy and I can't hammer it. I can be here. Let's do it. Ari, what are you doing November 1st? We can do it in the afternoon. I can fly in the morning.z, right? Something like that. You're here? November 1st. Tommy and I can't hammer it. I can be here. Let's do it.

Ari, what are you doing November 1st? We can do it in the afternoon. I can fly in the morning. Yeah, let's do it. Let's do a show that night. Let's have some fun. The first time me and Ari meet up in New Orleans, I feel great. I feel very-

I feel- People always talk about gratitude. I remember having so much gratitude for you guys because I had never stopped for that long and being like, I'm glad I have friends that made this fun. Me and Ari went down. Well, you were worried at first. You thought it was an intervention. I went home after that. Yeah. Joe, you get in serious mode

sometimes where it's not fun anymore. You pull me aside and you grab me like, hey, just so you know, you don't have to do this. And I was like, the fuck is... You're making it real. I laid in bed that night after that first Sober October thing. Laid in bed and I go, I think I just ruined my career.

Well, can I tell you why I did that? Because my doctor friend told me that you could die. He said there's one thing that does actually kill people and it's withdrawal from alcohol. Yeah, we all were really actually legit worried. Yeah. Like that could happen. There's two drugs that kill people when they get off of them. Benzodiazepine is one of them.

Benzos, Xanax. Xanax actually can kill people if you get off of it. If you just, your body becomes so addicted to it that when you get off of it, your body just fucking freaks out and you die. And that shows you how great benzos are. Well, that's what happened to Jordan Peterson. That's what happened to Jordan Peterson. What was he up to?

Do you know what he was consuming? He doesn't really discuss that. He's a little tight-lipped about that. But it's got to be significant for people to go through. I do not know. I was sad that he did it in the first place because I think he didn't understand the withdrawal. No one understands with benzos because the doctor prescribes it. They always give you like one milligram, and then you're like, oh, wow.

You take that one milligram, and it's overwhelming, oh wow. You take that one milligram and it's overwhelming and then slowly but surely that one milligram What does it do? It's like Jesus. You've done it? What does it feel like? It's the greatest feeling in the world. Xanax is? Yeah, it's a I mean it literally just imagine yourself being very anxious and it's

just being eliminated. But doesn't it rebound and so your anxiety increases when you get off of it? That's what I've heard. I mean, it's short-lasting. The thing about Xanax and stuff is that it's fast-acting, so it hits you pretty quickly. And if it's strong, not only would it reduce your anxiety,

but you would get a buzz of sorts, like you feel good. It can be addictive. But people take different quantities of it. Taking a milligram is actually a strong dose. If I ever take one, I take 0.25. How often do you take it? I still have the same 30 that was prescribed to me

from two years ago. I never take it. You can just do it every now and then and not do it. Oh, yeah. I had a problem with it. I had a problem with it, legit problem. Dom Irera was taking quite a bit of it. He was taking it a a lot but he said it made him feel great so just to leave he was having like panic anxiety with a glass of white wine oh my god i'll tell you what fucking all anxiety goes away when i do hard cardio all the time and this is what we were talking about this last night is that one of the things that's coming out of this soberber October thing that came out of the last time we had the fitness challenge.

And you and I talked about this. There's a thing that happens when you do that hard cardio every day where you don't give a fuck. It's true. It gets easier. Yeah. It gets easier to do the hard cardio because you get in shape. But you were talking about the inner chatter. Yeah.

Because all, you know, stress, anxiety anxiety everybody has different degrees of it But when you're doing hard workouts like you fucking like gas yourself you're done and you do it consistently Like nothing really it's just hard to stay consistent and to recognize that that really is like a medicine But it's like a medicine it does leave you feeling like so what's the exercise for you for me? It's cardio. No, no, no. Like out of all the cardio, it's not running. Is it the rowing machine or the bike? Well, I have a knee issue that it fucks with me when I run and I've been getting stem cells

in it. I fixed my right knee. It weighs too well. Shout out to weighs too well. My right knee is 100% now. Zero problems. And I had a torn meniscus in it. It was swell sometimes and I get like a cyst.

I got it drained like Six seven times it was a real problem. It's gone now like I can do everything Yeah, shut up Leanne's hooking up with Brigham Stem cells are amazing. Yeah, but what's the actual exercise like for me? The only way I can find myself pushing it to where I'm going like I'm about to throw up is a rowing machine. Rowing machines are great. Rowing machines are great. I honestly need an outside motivator.

So if it's just me trying to get in shape, it's like why not quit? Why today? But if it's when I'm competing against you guys, when I'm like I have to do this from an outside push, then I can keep going. But the specific exercise. My wife gets very uncomfortable when we start doing these things. Oh, your wife. My wife gets scared of me being obsessed. Nobody's significant other.

During the fucking Sober October fitness challenge, I went off the rails. It was nuts. My wife gets me sober once a year and all I do is talk about you guys. Texting her pictures of joe's shirtless and she's like hey don't let this happen again have fun with it just stay healthy yeah well that's why we we mitigated that by making this

not a challenge not a not a like a contest i signed up from a gym to get you know to build a workout and uh they're like oh we haven't seen you here since October 30th 2019 Yeah, I think maybe that tank I love that torque fitness tank oh yeah, that's great that thing really like like feels I don't know it feels amazing It's a sled that you push or pull I love it. We have one out here Tackle well it has you see You can ramp up the resistance. Resistance levers. Jamie, pull it up. Torque makes it.

It's one of the best fitness tools. So you push that thing. That guy looks just like you. And then you also can put a strap on it and you pull it backwards. It has different. And then it has a rope. Put a fucking lawnmower on there and do two things at once. The whole time I thought. Why don't you just mow your own lawn? Just get some chocolate do two things at once. I know. That's what the whole time I thought.

Why don't you just mow your own lawn? Just get some choppers. That was every comment on that thing. Yeah, but it's not as difficult. The other thing I think that like really fucking takes me to that level of like, holy shit, is mitts or a bag. Oh, yeah, man. Really going ham on that.

Yeah. I don't have any coordination punching. I really look like a chick. I can show you that. I can show you that easy. That is hilarious, what you're just doing right now. With the wrists. Oh.

In my movie, I think I had my fingers, or I was doing this. Yeah. And they were like, yo. Dude, I could teach you that pretty easy. You just burned yourself. I guarantee you I could teach you how to punch pretty easy. You'd figure it out. It's amazing.

I think I'm tough. Like, if some guy talks shit, but when I hit mitts, I really don't know what I'm doing. But if some guy was like, and you go, I'll fuck you up. And then you went like this. I can do your hair first. The key is to learn how to do it where you're not trying to hit something hard. That's the thing. Everybody tries hard.

And when you try hard, you like, and you grunt, you use all these muscles and you fuck up your thing. When you learn how to punch correctly, the right way for someone to teach you is literally to teach you just, just you're not even doing it hard. You're just learning how to move your body correctly. And then it becomes muscle memory. And then it becomes ingrained in your pathway. So you know where you're putting your foot. And then once you actually start hitting something hard hard then your body knows what the motions are the problem is when you like strain like you see big guys do that like big strong guys they know they can hit hard so they

try to hit hard so they grunt and they stretch everything out but that's the wrong way to do also gassed in like 20 seconds yeah because you're you're using so much muscle. Sure. You know, you want to use technique and you can learn how to do it like slowly and softly. It's just teaching yourself to not try to hit it hard. You see those pros are so loose too, you know. Yeah. Their shoulders just kind of pop. That's the same thing with Jiu Jitsu too. The way to

really learn Jiu Jitsu is to drill. You just learn how to do something in a drill where you're not like straining against a person. You're learning how to just train your body to go through the motions. Like when I got the best I got at jiu-jitsu, like the biggest leap that I got was like between blue belt and purple belt. That's because I was training with Eddie and we were training like almost, you know, like four or five days a week. And we would drill all the time. I had mats in my garage.

We'd go get high and he would like go over techniques with me. Eddie is a fucking great instructor too. He really breaks it down so well. Oh, yeah. So good at it. So he can get it. And even though he's a stoner and he's this wild dude, he's very disciplined. And he smokes weed?

A little bit. I went up behind him one time to take him down at the store just as a gag. Oh, good luck. And as I grabbed him, Eddie went, don't do that. And I was like, he's like, you know, I'm trained to do one thing and it happens. Yeah. Jitsu, that wears me out completely. Wore me out completely.

Oh, yeah. Like all parts of your body because it's like wrestling in general. Well, that is another thing that alleviates anxiety with people. What do you want? Coffee? This is the best goddamn cigar I've ever had in my entire fucking life. It's very good. It's the best fucking.

I haven't had any buzz at all. I've had a buzz. It's a Jaime Garcia. They make, my father's is like the number one cigar out there. My father's always wins the Whatchamacallit.

But this is all. We got this at the bachelor party. We got it at my father, the judges. And then me and Liz got a bunch of other cigars for the people who were like, I'll try a cigar.

I'll be like, I have a special one for you. Try one of this. Like a not as good one. They're so cheap in Tampa. That fucking bachelor party was sick. That was a lot of fun. They won me over.

Sidesplitters won me over. Sidesplitters? Yeah, they're like, I'm like, yeah, this place is great. I'll be back. I've never been. Never been there. It's a real club. It's a really cool club.

It was funny watching Burt remember what it's like to be in a club. He's waiting to go on. Like, jump on. Nobody knows he's there. And he It's a really cool club. It was funny watching Bert remember what it's like to be in a club. He's waiting to go on. Like, jump on. Nobody knows he's there. And he's waiting outside the showroom. People are like, hi, Bert, can I get a picture? He's like, oh, fuck. He didn't know what to say.

He's just in the kitchen, like, moving past, like, waiters. Sorry, sorry I'm in the way. I'm like, this is club comedy, Bert. You forgot. I know you know this because you like sports the way I do, but, like, you do Cleveland. you do the arena in Cleveland, and you're making the same walk LeBron makes. And you're going like, there's a gravitas that comes with those arenas where you hear the people and you're walking down the hallway and you're seeing jerseys up. And you're like, yeah. Those tunnels.

The tunnels. And then you go to side splitters and you're in the kitchen and they're like, plate coming around the corner. And you're like, sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. How am I supposed to get in my head? I hope they really pop when I take my shirt off. I hope they really pop when I take my shirt off.

You're trapped. You have to take your shirt off for the rest of your life. I'm in it. What are you going to do if you get ripped? Throw me in the briar patch. Yeah. I would love to be ripped. I would love, for this special, I would love to, all I want is someone just to, remember

when Chappelle, remember when Chappelle got guns? Yeah. And all everyone just on the deal, they're like, dude, his fucking arms look good. That's all I want. Someone to go, God damn it, man, he's got delts. He's got delts. That's all you want? Just, I always got him the belly, I think.

But just someone to go, he doesn't look that bad. Can I discuss your belly real quick? Please. So it's always, Tom and I have talked about this. You look like a trans man that's having quintuplets. Oh, that's so good. Oh, that's so good. Oh, that's so good. But we talk about how it's pushed out all the time.

It's hard. No, it has begun to fall over. Yeah, Ari was obsessed with it last night. He was pointing to it on stage like it's the Zapruder. It has finally fallen. It's been there. I compared it to a growing mushroom the day after it rains. No.

It's just starting to collapse. You're confusing two bellies. Explain. My belly has fallen over like everyone else's. When I did Secret Time, I didn't realize that it already happened until they did the billboard of it. And they did the billboard, and I go, that's not my stomach. My stomach's tight. And it was a complete—

You have the craziest, most delusional perspective. I think I have body dysmorphia. The text message you sent us the other day, I could do more push-ups than anyone in this group. I think you can, Bert. Cheap push-ups, Marky Marks. Yeah, but cheap push-ups I could do for days. I knew it was like vintage Bert. There it is.

Secret time. That was you? That's me. And they put that up on fucking Melrose, and I go, that's not me. What? And then I was like, I looked at the moles. You thought your belly was smaller than that? That's me. And they put that up on fucking Melrose. And I go, that's not me. And then I was like, I looked at the moles. You thought your belly was smaller than that? That's me at like 220.

Right. But you, at the time, thought your belly was smaller than that. I thought I was in great shape. And they put that up on Melrose. And I saw it. I drove past it. And I go, oh, they must have put someone else's belly on me or Photoshopped it. Yeah.

This is like when you go, I have legit the best shoulders. I do. Hold on. I do. I have go, I have legit the best shoulders. I do. Hold on, I do. I have legit great shoulders. Like great fucking shoulders. No, you don't. They're ripping through this shirt right now. Yeah, but you say things and you don't really mean it, right? When you say things

and you know they're not true. He does mean it. I kind of mean it. But you say things you know aren't true. Like, remember that one time you said he could do the splits? You really... He probably could. I actually thought I might be able to pull one out.

But more importantly... What? Out of that whole... Look at those fucking... That's fucking... That looks pretty good. Yeah. If you look at me...

If I take my shirt off and just do like this... No. You go... Yeah. No, right there you look pretty good though. Yeah. But you gotta know that you can't do the splits. Like, why'd you say that?

Because I thought I could pull it out. Same reason I said I could run a marathon with no training. Yeah, but a marathon is like you can run five miles. I've seen you run five miles. Yeah. So just keep going. The idea of doing the splits is crazy. The best part of that story for me was when you did a split and then you looked at me

and you said, have you ever done a split? And I said, no. And then in your eyes, you go like, like you're almost trying to talk to a, an island of people you discovered. You go, what made you think you could do that? And I go, I don't know. And you went, what? What could you do? Yeah, you're like, but what?

You've never done it. And I said, yeah, I know. And you go, and you were willing to hurt yourself? And I was like, yeah, I was, I was gonna see if I could do it. I just thought I could do it. It takes a long time to get that flexible. That's not a normal human thing. I don't know. I just roll the dice.

I like that energy, though. That's Cinderella story energy. That's not a Cinderella story. That's a torn hamstring story. I like when you go places and people underestimate you. And I love,

my favorite part of Sober October is the subtle shit talk where you go, I will murder you. Like, I don't know, I said, I think I can do

more pushups than you. And your reply was, I will kill you. Yeah. And then, and I started giggling so hard. I'm at dinner with my family

and they're like, what are you laughing at? And I go, Joe. And they go, what did he say that's funny i go was only funny if you know him intimately then you get because i know you you're like what the fuck and then i thought i really thought because i've been to ways to wellness with you is it waste wellness waste well waste well with you so many times and i've seen you getting the shots in your shoulders i go i bet he can't do a push-up oh my god i bet he can't do a push-up. I bet he can't do a push-up because of his shoulders. That's what I thought.

But they're not that bad. You unlock in Joe a competitiveness that only comes out around you. When he did it at your studio, the whatever it's called. The arm wrestle. Arm wrestle. But just the way he was like, let's do it. Fine. It wasn't that competitive, but it was still like, he was like, bye, and then just walks out.

He crushes the studio and then walks out. You're an idiot with with burt it's like it's because it makes you mad let's make burt's making claims though yeah well you have a delusional perspective that i just i just don't understand you're a truth seeker and this guy attacks that yeah i'm the i am the alex jones of fitness hey in what in what way? In what way? In what way? What the fuck is that? I literally just made this comparison yesterday. In that I talk wild shit, and then every now and then it matches up. That's exactly what I said.

Every now and then you're like, oh shit, farts are gay. You're the guy that goes to the center core and goes, I bet I could fucking hit this from here. And everybody's like, no way. And then you swish, and then you walk away. Yes, totally. Once in a long while, you'll pull out a marathon. Yeah, you'll pull out a miracle. Every now and then, people are like, what the fuck?

When we were doing the Sober October Fitness Challenge, you were what I thought of 80% of the time. Hatred. Spite drive. I was just fury inside me. I was like, I'm going to drag him to hell. That's my brand.

Jesus Christ. When we went to we were doing Fully Loaded, but at the end of the day, these professional baseball players are on the field. And they're like, hey man, I heard you want to try out for the team. And I was like, I'll fucking give it all up right now for one season, one contract.

And they're like, can you swing? And Attell goes, I got $100 as he doesn't connect. And I went, OK. And then literally got up there and one hopping off the fence. And Attell's like, are you fucking serious? And then the pitcher looks at the team. He goes, these are with no pace. There's no pace on these balls.

What does that mean, pace? Meaning he's throwing them at like 40 miles an hour, so I'm doing all the work to get the ball out there. He goes, with a little bit of pace, I think it'll go yard. And I was like, put some pace on it. And fucking, you can find the video of me hitting fucking bombs. I think you are a secret athlete. I really do.

I just think you just don't do anything about it. You also have a specific athleticism. I have a thing I'm good at. I have a few things that I'm good at. See, when I first heard you were a good athlete or you told me that, I was like, get the fuck out of here. Because it's all based on what you know now. Well, what your origin is of athleticism. You know what I mean?

So like a kid who played a lot of baseball thinks of like somebody good at baseball so like in if you played football I guess all I did great athlete means runs the fastest jumps the highest can bench fucking 225 30 times I was like no yeah but then I saw him do all the things that are it's still athletic it's just outside of that realm right it's like that everything that was like hand-eye precision ball everything like he could like i'll throw i'll throw this ball and hit that thing off the you know off that uh like bar over there i'm like what are you talking about and then he'd have boom and like ding it and i was like oh shit he can he can make these wild claims on maybe that's where

the delusional part works because you don't have any you really believe it. That's the thing he does I do because he's a real dreamer, too He'll say he really is he'll say it's the way I tell you I live I live in a world Where I want you to feel it. Yeah, it's not about it's not about reality. It's about feeling it right I want every I want everyone to it's why I like alcohol. I like the feeling yeah You know like I don't need it to be I don't need it to be real I need you to I want it I want the energy. Like that's why I love a cigar and coffee is like that's not how you're supposed to start a day, but that fa-fa-fa-fa.

And I think I am that way with like physical achievements. My friends I grew up with, I mean, have said this. They look at me sometimes a little bummed out. They'll be like, what happened to your body, man? You're like a legit athlete. Like this isn't who you are. But when I went to college, I remember intramural softball. Everyone was making like big claims about how good they were.

And I was like, I'm actually really good. And I was like, I'm not going to say a fucking word. I'm not going to say a word. Everyone thinks I'm some stoner alcoholic. I'm just going to go in and just fucking drop bombs. And then the, that look on someone's face when they expect nothing of you and you over deliver is i think how i've set up my career same with stand-up i remember i remember i ripped ripping my shirt off and i remember dave david letterman was doing an

interview with mike binder and i binder texted it to me and david letterman goes i mean he rips his shirt off like you don't expect anything and then it's good material and then i was i've got that i was crying because i was like that's everything i want you to do is like under believe and then overachieve yeah and but i think with with but i think especially with with sports i have a little bit of i live in maybe not a big reality I'm like that with fucking I can't fuck at all I'm very real about fucking

I can't fuck at all I feel bad for Leanne sometimes even she talks about it can you imagine this mounting you and just humping you she's probably so worried you're going to die on her. No, I've come so fast that she's laughed.

I came so fast one time and started laughing. I go, hey, you're not supposed to laugh when people come. She goes, well, it's just, I mean, come on. You would have to see the humor in this. She goes, I don't think you could have gotten AIDS from that fuck. That was so good. Oh my god oh my god

fast like fast if I go down on her it'll be like three pumps you get worked up ahead of time get that J in you I can grind on the bed while I go down on her and fucking cum in the sheets I'm fucking quick You get worked up ahead of time? Oh, dude. Get that J in you. Whee! I can grind on the bed while I go down on her and fucking come in the sheets.

I'm fucking quick. And this is like with jacking off? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, if you don't jack off for a while, then you fuck. It's like almost immediate. Yeah. It's probably why I don't cheat, because I think if I fuck someone, the look of disappointment in their face. Fear.

I remember I fucked one chick I fucked one chick I told Tony was the story said never tell anyone I Fucked her and I came so fast. She got angry. Oh my gosh You need to read a book you need to read a book or get online and learn something and Wow, and I was like rude thing for a book and then come back and finish your job And then she goes and I I was going to say, give me a minute, I'll go again. And then I was like, hey, you can't talk to me like that.

That's not cool. What if I said this is really shitty? We just had sex. I know I came fast. And she got really mad. And then I was like, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. This isn't cool. And then she went to my, I was still naked.

She's like, you're not cool. And I had a beer in my hand. My roommate came out, Weecho, and I still had cool And I had a beer in my hand My roommate came out And I still had a condom and a beer in the kitchen And I went like this Still wearing your used condom Walking out with a fucking filled condom Just like the little reservoir

Just like dangling My buddy comes around the corner And I go she'll be out in a second She goes are you being fucking serious I gotta go to Brooklyn now I was like'm I just can't let you talk to me that's not cool my feelings are hurt and like I'm like that's not how this works like you're not my girlfriend but you can't like yell at me I go I know I wasn't good and she got to the door she goes I can't fucking believe this and then she was really angry and she faked a punch and I spilled

beer all over myself and my dick went up in the stomach We both started laughing hysterically You and the woman me and the woman both started laughing in my door hysterically And then she smiled and went to my neighbor's door and pounded on the doors goes Bert Chrysler Can't fuck and knocked on every door down the hall Wow good for her Yeah Find that fucking animal? Don't divorce her.

Bossed in a comedy club. Jesus Christ. Yeah. I shaved my legs for this? Son of a bitch. That reminds me of when we did that, when we went to that national championship game, and we're trying to skirt the line, and they weren't famous then, and we're just trying to get through, trying to get through, and everyone's like, hey, what the fuck?

You gave him a hundred bucks, some random bouncer guy. Security guy. through. And everyone's like, hey, what the fuck? Why do you? You gave him $100, some random like bouncer guy. Security guy. Security. And they was like, why? Who are you guys? And Bert just goes, I'm Tom Segura. Google me, motherfucker. Yeah.

And you're just like, come on. Yeah. That was the funniest. Do you remember one lady's like, hold on. Did you just play a black guy to walk you to the front and like that's exactly? What we did yeah, I mean we didn't take his race into account Just mad you didn't think of it. We were just like hey man make this happen. He was like okay No one knows this I realized this when I was working the door at the store if you if you tip a guy

Oh, it's 20 bucks $100, game changer. You owned me for the night. I'll do whatever the fuck you wanted for $20. For $100? Let's go. You're running late, by the way, at an airport, and you find somebody that works at the airport, and you have cash. Give that person $20, $40, whatever.

That person will get you through security, for sure. Really? Absolutely. Yeah. You just give me four hours of pay. You say, hey, I'm in a rush. I'll give you a hundred bucks. Get me through the line.

They know the people at TSA. Oh, yeah, and then they'll be like, okay. And then they'll look for someone they know. They'll be like, hey, man, hey, hey, hey. And then they'll just get you. There's nothing like a cool person at TSA. Yeah. Like every now and then, you know that story I tell

about the lady that got randomly selected at TSA? There's nothing about like a funny person that you meet at TSA. You're like, all right, we're okay. The world's okay. Yeah. randomly selected at TSA. There's nothing about a funny person that you meet at TSA. You're like, alright, we're okay. The world's okay. You're a person who's in this weird position where people every day are bullshitting you and you're trying to

do your job, but every now and then you run into a cool person. I asked the guy once, because sometimes you say your name out loud, and it's like, what? Why do I have to say my name out loud on my ID? And so I asked the guy once, because sometimes you say your name out loud, and it's like, what? Why do I have to say my name out loud on my ID? And so I asked the guy, I was like, why here and not anywhere else? And he goes, oh, because the guy who runs this TSA at Newark is a power hungry. And I was like, Ari Shaffir.

And he's like, go ahead. I'm like, good answer. I used to do concierge key for American when I flew American. And there was this dude at the gate. Birdfly is private. Tony. Go ahead. What is concierge key? That when I flew American. And there's this dude at the gate. Birdfly's private. Tony. Go ahead. What is a concierge key?

I got in trouble for talking about it on this podcast. I got kicked out of concierge key for talking about it on this podcast. What? What? Yeah. Oh, yeah. What's concierge key? It's the highest level.

It's invitation only. Oh, they take you into that sneaky little spot. Oh, I did that once. What? Yeah. Yeah. It's the highest level you can get. It's invitation only by American Airlines. I got it. They're super loyal people. And they're did that once. What? Yeah. It's the highest level you can get. It's invitation only by American

Airlines. I got it. Like for super loyal people. And they're like, do not talk about it. And I talked about it on Rogan and then the woman called me and chastised me. Wow. And said, just so you know, we don't appreciate you talking about this on your little podcast.

It's the biggest podcast in the world. And they lost me at that moment. I go, you're not allowed to call me and chastise me in my house. That's not how that works. Notgest podcast in the world. And they lost me at that moment. I go, you're not allowed to call me and chastise me in my house. That's not how that works. Not unless I come super fast, right? This isn't cool. So how could they have a thing

that you're not allowed to talk about? It's called concierge key. Tom Papa hit me up about it. He's dying to get it. You go through a private line in the airport. Now I just do private suite, which is fucking the best. That's a separate entrance on the other side of the airport Now I just do private suite Which is fucking the best That's a separate entrance on the other side of the airport

That's the shit That's where Beyonce goes That's where Beyonce, Kardashians Everyone goes there You gotta get a membership Are you allowed to talk about that? Fuck yes They're fucking badass

Do you see the picture? Pull up my stories they had a bottle of of uh of tito's wrapped in caution tape in my in my suite yesterday and they're like we'll hold this until november then the dude oh that's all you have the dude i go i told them i go man i'm i'm bummed i'm i don't get it i need a treat to be here and i don't see any treats and they have diet root beer dude came back with kool-Aid packets. No way. Traya Kool-Aid packets. That's private suite. This is the fucking greatest. Oh, look at that. That's awesome.

Caution, T. It's over October. They are the best. We'll save this for until November. Oh, I get it now. That's cool. If you don't fly, then look, he just walked in with a thing of Kool-Aid for me. What? They're the best. The fucking best. Well, you drink Kool-Aid. Are you drinking Diet Kool-Aid or regular Kool-Aid? Yeah, zero sugar.

Zero sugar. What's in there? Zero sugar. It's zero sugar. But what's in there? It's not sugar. What's the flavor? Have you ever looked at the ingredients?

It's triglycerides and peptides. It's way better for you. Good shit. It's peptides. Keeps you young. The private sweets, the shit. The first time I did it, they gifted it to me. They said, you know, I was coming in.

I was panicked. I think my travel agent was like, hey, he's only got like eight hours in LA. Private suite. You get a membership, right? I'm a member now. Just at LAX or everywhere? Just at LAX. At your main airport.

But you drive in. You take a separate entrance. They bring you into a suite. What? They have all the shit you like. I have liquid death always. Tito's. They bring caviar.

What? Caviar? What? It's next. It's the greatest treat you can give yourself flying that isn't private. Flying private. It's the greatest treat you can give yourself. You're all about treats.

I'm defined by treats. You're all about rewards. I'm defined by treats. When you guys are talking about self-help books, I have a self-help book that I have chaptered out for the way I get by. Because there's more people that are like me than, like, going to be like Cam Haines. So, like, I want those guys to succeed. And one of the things, number one thing, and I bet you've asked a lot of people that are

successful, the number one thing I need is treats. I need a treat. I need something to look forward to at the end of the day. And right now it's Kool-Aid. I bet I have it in my pocket. I just don't walk around without Kool-Aid. I don't walk around without Kool-Aid. Because I get a bottle of water and I go, I know I should drink this water, but I need a treat.

I need something to... Why don't you put Liquid IV in there? I love Liquid IV. Liquid IV tastes great and it's actually good for you. I love Liquid IV. They're a little bigger packets. Too big for your pocket? Yeah.

But Private Suite is... So the first time I use it, they go, we want you to experience the... Your problem with Liquid IV is the packet size? Why don't you get a fanny pack? They're pretty big. Why don't you get a fanny pack? How come you don't have a fanny pack? I have one in the morning, but I'm not putting them in my pocket.

You seem like a guy that needs a fanny pack. How come you don't use one? I have. I'm a fanny pack guy. Are you? Yeah, I'm a fanny pack guy. I love fanny packs. Do you want one like this? I have one in the morning, but I'm not putting them in my pocket. Let me see the Kool-Aid packet. Let me see the guy that needs a fanny pack. How come you don't use one? Kool-Aid is smaller. I have. I'm a fanny pack guy. Yeah. Are you? Yeah, I'm a fanny pack guy.

I love fanny packs. Do you want one like this? I have these. I want one definitely like that. Legitimately, this is much smaller. This is much smaller. First time, this is how Private Suite hooked me. I got eight hours at home. I travel eight years.

There's a place called Private Suite. They'll meet you at the plane, take you off the plane in a car, and get you home. And so they grab your bags for you. You don't have to go through any of this stuff. Oh, that's great. And so I go, and they go, we know you're on a time crunch. We got you a helicopter taking you home. What?

I flew LAX to Burbank. I was home in, from the second we touched down, I was home in 20 fucking minutes. That's fucking sweet. And the guy gets in the helicopter, and he goes, you want you want to go the interstate you want to go to the ocean I go go the ocean he goes you want to get low, and I was like fuck Yeah, what and we flew about 20 feet off the fucking ocean just And then got to Burbank and I was home sound you're just killing the sound By the way private suite if you're not cool with me talking about this, I apologize.

I'll never leave you. I'll never leave you. I'll be a member forever. Why don't we do a tour? Let's do a little tour together. Just a few dates. Can I promote it? Because we'll be doing

fucking stadiums. We will be doing fucking stadiums. I don't like outdoors. Tell me what you want to do, Joe. The Gorge? Let's do the Gorge. What's the Gorge?

Are you fucking kidding me? There's a great music festival there near Seattle. We do the Gorge. We do that cave in fucking Tennessee. Have you you seen the cave type in cave theater tennessee this is fucking next level this look i'm all about eventizing an evening i love there's nothing i love more than hearing steely dance coming to hollywood bowl look at this oh my god where is that that looks like an edinburgh that's intense oh my god that's amazing that? That looks like an Edinburgh. That's intense.

Oh my god, that's amazing. The sound. Holy shit, that's incredible. Why have I never heard of this? Dude, I'm telling you right now. Who is that on stage? I think it's your mom. Oh my god, my mom.

Your mom's... Dude, that fucking cave looks incredible. Look at the gorge. That's fucking Red Rocks. Dude, Event fucking cave was incredible. Look at the gorge. That's fucking Red Rocks. Dude, Eventide's in... Red Rocks, I might be the most jealous of anyone I've ever seen

play a venue was you playing Red Rocks. You love Red Rocks? It's just so cool. John Denver said if I had one set left in my life, it would be Red Rocks.

You haven't done Red Rocks? No. The Beatles played there. I mean, it's like... It's such a great night in that you get there early. That's where Bird did his last special. Yeah. You get there early. You go in.

I've been hiking there. You do. That's the first time I did Red Rocks. Wow. I'm a little overweight there. I think I gave Norma that shirt. You look exactly the same. I know.

Oh. That's same. I know. Oh. But Red Rocks, you go in, you get in there early, you do your sound check, you get an IV, you get dinner at the venue, they make great dinner, then everyone starts piling in, the show starts. The best part of Red Rocks is they give you an option. You can go Sebastian Maniscalco, get in a Sprinter,

get out immediately, or you gotta wait until traffic dies. Are you telling me I get to make a Tito's and soda and have a joint and sit on stage at Red Rocks? Sit on stage as they go? It's empty. You smoke a joint and go, fuck yeah. See the stars out there. Dude, it's amazing. attached to right now is giving putting yourself immersing yourself in the fan experience as an artist and saying what do i what do i want out of life i think it's easy for you to go how when i

who gets me excited like if you're a fan of like wilco i'm a fan of wilco i saw wilco at fucking these cocksuckers i saw him at red rocks and i was high and i was drunk and the fuck and i was crying one of the songs, bawling, crying. Cameraman just puts the camera on me, and I'm sobbing, crying, holding my wife, singing along. But that moment for me is beautiful because I love Wilco. And I got to see him at the most beautiful venue ever. I try to do that for my tour. Looking at you from the audience.

From the audience perspective. If you're a fan of Burt, what do you want? And this is what's great about touring when we did Fully Loaded with Shane Gillis. He goes, are you fucking kidding me? We're at a baseball field and you're just going to walk on stage? He goes, you come running in from right field, the bullpen. You come in. Play the walkout song.

Play the walkout song. Mariano Ravonna. Close enough. Yeah, whatever. Fucking the Metallica song, you know? Enter Sandman. Enter Sandman. And so it's...

And by the way, I got chills right now. I go up for that and just sprinting. We do Thunder Valley. They go, we'll put you in a sprint car and we'll play Oh Christ, there they fight at the starting line. And you're going 90

miles an hour standing up in a fucking car. Woo! Like that, for me, I think that's amazing. So when you say a tour of us, my cock gets hard and I go,

that, you eventize that. How come we haven't done that yet? We talked about it before. It's just ever, it's always been scheduled. We have to plan it far out. That's the truth.

Well, we have to plan it far out because I need to write a whole new act. I'm in that spot where just filmed and I've got to fucking figure out how to put together an hour. He's the problem because he's already doing the biggest venues you can do. Right, but he'll be done around the time that the club's open and I'm ready to-

He's touring until his children are in high school. No. I do have my international stuff next year, but it ends May. That's April, yeah. We could do June or later. June or later is good. That's a good timeline. I got fully noted, too.

Later, later. I'm doing it for six weeks. Or October-ish. Yeah, but that's just six weeks. So we talk about August, September. September. I'd do it. Yeah.

I'd do it. It'd be fun. Well, really, the way to do it is right before Sober October. Oh, right. Yeah. Right? I don't want to do it in October before Sober October. Oh, right. Yeah. Right? You don't want to do it in October. Right.

Fuck that. Party in September, then. Are we committed to Sober October for the rest of our lives? I will. Can I make a couple suggestions for next year's? Weed. Put weed back on the menu. Tonight is going to be a triggering event for me.

I haven't had a triggering event yet. We don't want to see Roger Waters. Because I haven't been in a situation where booze should be here, or I should be on acid for Roger Waters. Yeah. And that will be a, I'll be itchy. I hung out with Roger Waters yesterday. I played pool with him.

You did? Yeah. You guys podcasted? Yeah, we podcasted, played pool. How was he? He's great. He's awesome. He's such an interesting guy.

He's so fucking smart. I had an interview with him for the 25th or 30th anniversary of the um of uh dark side of the moon and they were like did you know when you were writing this like what kind of effect how big it would be and he was like yeah i mean it's great oh he takes this shit very very serious i think he did an interview recently about russia and yes he was like it was like he was very anti-war. We talked about that a lot yesterday. But he was kind of pro-Russian in his stance, right? No, not necessarily. He was saying that there's reasons why they're reacting this way. Yeah, yeah.

It's because we violated treaties. NATO has pushed weapons. Dave Smith was talking about that, too. It's interesting. It's not as simple and cut and dry as everybody said. We orchestrated a coup there in 2014. Yeah. I mean, it's not that simple.

It's like they've openly tried to persuade Ukraine to join NATO and yeah there's a lot going on with that I mean it's not to excuse what Putin did Putin did something absolutely horrific but it's not like it wasn't provoked well sure you know and it's not like there aren't people that have a movie in a can about Russia they're waiting to release until this fucking war is over yeah when was that movie completed it's over we're fucking sitting here when was it completed completed? It's over. We're fucking sitting here because- When was it completed?

How long ago? Like a year ago? Probably a year ago. That is so wild that you can't release it because it's kind of pro-Russia. I think you were done over a year ago. Yeah. And the war started and they were just like, oh, let's just- I remember them going, we don't want you talking about the war.

It's probably smart. You're probably not the expert on that. I was like, wait, are we not pro-Russia? And they're like, okay, good call, good call. Let's wait another two months. I was like, wait, guys, guys, they're our allies, right? Our axis, something?

The best... Axis of evil. That sounds pretty cool. Who's that? Wait, Hitler had... They were our allies at one point in time. The best, best Pink Floyd song, in your opinion. If you, there's a song that you go.

There's so many. I mean, for me, it's Money. Money is fucking great. It's for you, coming out this autumn. Fucking song is so good. That song does rip. It does. To get out the ground on a gold day.

And the way they use like non-instrumental instruments to start off. That was pretty good. Good job, man. Way to go, Michael Winslow.

I learned from the master. Taking away the moments that make up a dull day. That transition into that song that it just Here we go.

This is money, right? Yeah. Money. song that it just here we go this is money right yeah it's it's so badass they have so many good fucking songs yeah and when you talk to roger you you kind of know where it's coming from man it's like the guy is so deep i mean the god damn this is good I mean, the... God damn, this is good. Grab that cash, make both hands and make a stash New car, cabriolet, four star Daydream, dream, buy me a football team Right now, Bert is picturing walking shirtless onto stage. What's the point of this song?

What's the switch, though? He's like, it's not the way to live life? I think it's pointing out how crazy it is, the obsession that people have with money. The best is the one song they have about trying to split up the band. How people were trying to split up?

Hey kid, you'll go far. I think you'll be a big star All right, as long as you get rid of which one to use pink is what's that song Jamie? And then ten years will pass. That's my favorite lyric. How's it go and then ten years will pass and without you noticing Yeah, I would listen to this every day in Serbia going to the going to the have a cigar. Yeah Go into the... Have a cigar. Yeah. Cabriba.

We did that on our... How are we going to go to see this sober? Yeah, it's crazy. How are we going to go see this sober? I feel like we should have a one-day weed pass. Matt Staggs had a good point. Religious exemption. Oh, this is a religion.

Yeah. Where's the show? Oh, this is such a jam. Where's the show? It's here. But what venue is it? he's got this insane visual visual oh my god it's so fucking cool almost like a sin not to smoke he had he had when i when i saw keep talking i like what you're saying. This with lights is... Oh, my God.

I'm going to buy a can of paint and a paper bag. Let's hump. Let's hump. You guys should do poppers. Whatever I got to do. I'm going to hold my breath. He had a bunch of kids come out on stage with torture masks on. You're going to go far.

You're going to fly. on stage with torture masks on. He's just talking about agents trying to fuck up his street. I'll do it. This is the only one. This is a song. Deep respect, and I mean that most essentially. This is fun. The band is just fantastic. That is really what I think.

Oh, by the way, which one's pink? Which one's pink? He wants to split them up immediately. Yeah. That's what they're trying to do to us, guys. I don't know. It's like, the band's got to say I love it.

Which one's pink? Who's trying to split us up? Hollywood, baby. Hollywood, baby. Hollywood has about as much influence on us as that banana rat does. That's true. We're completely removed. Yeah, like what can you?

We're the industry now. You can choose to dip into industry now you choose you can choose to dip into it if you want but you don't have to yeah it's so funny especially when like comics come under fire and people like that turn on your friends and you're like no why like we're talking about no well the people that don't have friends want you to turn on your friends the people that are in this like weird fucking group of people that are secretly fucking jealous and bitter of each other and they're all talking shit about each other those are the ones that want you to turn on each other because they want you to be like them but that's what this used

to be i remember when i started this business no one had friends right no one was friends with you were kind of friends with people until they got something yeah then you that's it there's still guys like that out there that they're friends with you until you do really well and then they just fucking hate but those are just bitter weird narcissists you guys started a different system than i did well you started in the system door of door guys of low level people that it was like finally it was almost like when pesci got not pesci when pesci got happy that what's his name got made it was like it was like one of us right getting made as soon as somebody got past aaron cater was the first one to get past and we're like yes one of ours i was already we were already i was already passed we already we were like that because we realized there was a

benefit in all being together yeah and that we realized that there's so much more fun and camaraderie than there's this like weird bitter loneliness support of the driver brought me in today he's like you've been on here a lot huh this podcast i was like yeah i was like oh i've known joe i was like there's a few guys that podcast? I was like, yeah. I was like, oh, I've known Joe. I was like, there's a few guys that when you started were like dicks, and there was a few guys, like you and Ralphie, that were like, you're funny, man. You can do this.

Like, it's just supportive. I would say for no reason, but it's a human reason to do it, you know? It's a human reason. It benefits us. The more people that are good, that are doing well, it benefits everybody. This weird thing that it's all for you That famine mentality is so poisonous for everything not just for comedy for every art form Like you want other people out there want to do better. Yeah, it's good for you It's good for everyone and it's definitely good for them my best compliments when I when I you know when you people like I like this

I like that my best is like, you show me so many comics from This Is Not Happening. I discover all these people. I'm like, I just, man. Well, you're great at that, too, like highlighting people on your social media, too, that are really good. You've always been that. You've always been a little more socialist. Socialist, yeah.

That's a good way to put it. I told you this last night, but I try to implement that a little bit. You try to help put people over and stuff. Yeah, put them over. But then you start looking at it, and this sounds crazy, but then you get to a place where these guys that you kind of tried to help. I had a conversation with Tim Dillon.

I apologize, Tim, if I'm overstepping my boundaries. But we were talking in my front yard, and he was saying, you were one of the first guys to put me on a podcast, and I'll never forget it. And I was out in L.A. And I was like, yeah, yeah. And, you were one of the first guys to put me on a podcast and I'll never forget it. And I was out in L.A. And I was like, yeah, yeah. And then you think these guys you're trying to put over one day will be over.

And now, like, Tim's a big get for me. Like, I got him to – I can't announce it, but I have a big thing I'm doing with Tim. And I was, like, really grateful that he did it. Pioneer contest? And then you think to yourself, like – So's crazy how quick that shifts, that paradigm of, like, Chris DiStefano, great guy to get on the podcast, like, two years ago. And now you're like, hey, man, you're in L.A., can you do my podcast? And, you know, it's like these Mark Norman, Shane, like, these guys all kind of pop. Yanni, and, like, all these guys kind of pop.

Schultz. I remember Schultz did Something's Burning when I was in New York. and i was like i was we were talking it was like oh it's good to have you on and then now he's like he was so quick he crushed it with that thing too with that special oh my god it's just the youtube over five million views in like a week you know it goes a hundred thousand a day yeah i checked it i checked it today yesterday i saw it and i went oh 5.5 is another one i was like i had had a late to the game on like clips, putting clips up. But I had like a good riff on stage and we had a tape of it. I was like, hey, is there a way?

I just wrote him. I was like, is there a way? He goes, yeah, yeah, yeah. You need big lettering. You need a big close up of your face. Actually, you know what? Send me the clip. I'll have my guy like fix it up and send it back to you.

Yeah. Instead of like, a lot of people are like, I don't know, man. You figure it out. Yeah, people who hoard the opposite. People who that he came from new york to la i remember when schultz came to la he's like dude the scene here is so different everyone's so fucking supportive and it came to the store yeah he came to the store and i gave him a big hug i go what's up nice to meet you man he's like you want to do a spot i'm like fuck yeah i did a spot on his show and we were all hanging out he's like, you want to do a spot? I go, fuck yeah. I did a spot on his show, and we were all hanging out.

And he's like, dude, everyone here is so fucking supportive and friendly. It's like so different than New York. He's like, you guys are like fucking doing it right, man. And I think he just fucking ran with that. He brought that vibe to New York. Yes. That's the best vibe, man. We're all in this together.

There's not that many of us. There's not that many of us. There's like a thousand of us on Earth. Like really legitimate comics. There's a thousand of us on earth like really legitimate comics there's a thousand of us on earth on the planet and it's fucking hard to get there man and if you can grab someone who's coming up and give them some words of encouragement and help them and take them on the road with you a little bit and give them some tips and boost them up a little and get them on your podcast yeah you're fucking doing a service man bringing them on the road all of us paying them especially i think probably we've all sort of forgotten like the

status you've gotten to like a new young comic who like watched you before they even did comedy like carlin would sit in the back of the room yeah and when people got up like hey man that was really funny he knew he was george carlin giving you that compliment yes and it's tough to remember who who now what you what your name means but a little bit of just like hey that was a really funny joke goes a long way like a young comic do you remember the first comic that i remember the first comic that complimented any of my jokes like the first compliment i got from a real comic was jim norton and i was like wow yeah i mean i'm there i'm there it gets you from quitting. The in-between days where you're like, I don't know if I can do this.

For me, it was Marc Maron. Really? Marc Maron gave me a compliment when I was an open miker. Pulled me aside. He goes, you're really funny, man. You're really doing some good stuff, man. Keep at it. It's great.

Wow. He was like, don't listen to anybody. Just keep doing your shit. I was like. Wow. It was giant. I was like a year in. It was giant.

It made me feel so good. Just a little compliment like that. Louie and I were talking about that the other day. Someone saying that to you. Yeah. When you're coming up, it's so valuable. Someone that thinks you're good. And I say that to every comic that I see that laughs, that gets me to laugh.

I say, you got the hardest part already. You're funny. Just keep doing it. Just keep working. Stay in it. Keep grinding. Just keep fucking writing new shit and keep doing it. You've already got the hardest part already. You're funny. Just keep doing it. Just keep working. Stay in it. Keep grinding. Just keep fucking writing new shit and keep, keep doing it. You've already got the hardest part. The hardest part is being funny. Everything else is just work. The hardest, it's so hard. Some people never figure out the funny thing, man. They just, they don't get it. There's

like a, it's like they can't grab it. Like almost they touch it and it runs away from them. They just can't get it. And you'll see them 10 years later and they still can't get it. That's the sad one. I still don't get it. Louis, I mean, like at times, you know, you ever had someone compliment a joke of yours that isn't the funniest joke you have? And then you're like, well, now I gotta figure out

that fucking joke. And they find something in it that works. Louis did that to me when we were in Minneapolis. He came into this spot, we were next, theater's next door. I said, why don't you come over and just do a quick spot? He said, you sure? And I was like, yeah. Thinking, I thought he was talking about the cancel shit.

It's because he's a fucking monster. Right. I gotta follow Louis C.K. I didn't realize that. Yeah. Sure comes off, everyone's like, boo. Are you sure you want me to go in front of him? I literally was like, I was like, Louie.

Just for pacing, I'm not sure that's the best. Louie, I don't care about cancel culture. And then I'm watching, I'm like, oh, I can't follow this. And so he comes up and he goes, hey, man, that deaf kid joke. Fucking yes. And I was like, out of all the things? I was like, that's the one I don't. So now I've been fucking toiling with this one goddamn joke that he saw something in

that I'm like, I guess there's some umami inside this joke that I can't find. Yeah, this is Brian Simpson joke. I don't wanna give up the joke because I would give up the premise, it's too much. But he's got this one joke, the premise is so strong. My God, dude, there's something there. He goes, I know, what is it? What is it?

I go, I don't know, dude, but I laughed so hard just at the premise. He's so funny. He's really funny. He's so good. He writes so much. He's so disciplined. He writes every day. He always has new shit. Oh, and it's so tight. Yeah, he's so good. He writes so much. He's so disciplined. He writes every day. He always has new shit.

Oh, and it's so tight. Yeah, he's really funny. He's one of those guys. There's this crop of upcoming guys, man, that are so strong. And they're embracing stand-up. And I think it's because of the guys that have already made it, that are really enthusiastic. About them, too. Yeah.

Because everybody's excited about Brian. He's the real deal. He's the real deal. And he thinks differently. excited about Brian. Yeah, he's a real deal I remember and he thinks differently he thinks differently I think it's a man and talks to you and analogies that I never fucking thought of Right where you're like, oh shit. I didn't see it that way. He's like that's what life is and you're like, yeah His perspective is totally unique. Yeah, that's that's yeah, it's so fucking valuable I just remember right now Tom when you brought me to

Crackers oh, yeah, and it's a probably at the time for you a twelve to fifteen hundred dollar gig You're like it's break-even already. I couldn't get a headline kick anywhere except La Jolla And you're like come break-even, but like it'll get in the club. Yeah, and yeah, I did. Yeah, it was a big fucking thing for me Yeah, that was cool When you were a doorman That's a hard to use Dora, you're a doorman You were like just starting out man

That was actually getting back from those first six months all my friends like dude you made a jump And it was like yeah playing 300-seaters like good crowds. Yeah, dude Well, you actually called like a lot of people would be like hey, man You're funny and they like get your like to be like give me your number like you know oh yeah how you found you right but like those people just never call right like i remember one time i called an agent i was like hey your client said that they wanted to take me on tour and they were like okay and then like followed up and they're like yeah they they don't want to do that i was like oh okay well we worked with like 20 different comics on that Charlie Murphy tour.

And you were the one I worked with in Phoenix. Yeah. And you went up in Phoenix. And I think you did like three minutes. Yeah, three minutes. And what? Killed. And then I remember pulling you aside and going, dude, you're fucking good.

Yeah, but I still was. He was like, you know, well, dude, give me your number. I was like, okay. Sure. I didn't think anything of it. Because so much smoke. I saw Mooney. He got on stage with some guy from HBO. It was like,

Paul, I haven't seen you in a while. I was like, uh-huh. You haven't. And he goes, well, I just didn't stop.

He goes, we'd love to do something again. He goes, I bet you would. And he goes, um, well, give me your number.

Do you have a pen? I don't have a pen. He goes, no, I don't motherfucker. Do you? Cause he had just been like, I've had smoke blood on my ass for decades

he was Richard Pryor's writer he wrote with Richard Pryor Paul Mooney's a legend he was one of the ones that really bummed me out when he died because I had an opportunity to see him one night at the store and I decided to go do something else I remember someone said Mooney's going to do a set at the store and like I hadn't seen him in years

and I know he had been in New York for a while and then he was doing a set at the store. I don't remember what I had to do. It was sad at the end. Yeah, but I still wish I said hi and gave him a hug. It always is. It's just like he was, whatever the disease was, it wasn't, he still had some killer bits,

but it made you sad. Yeah, but. You saw a man like dying. But there's those things that like, he was one of those guys. Like I told told you that was him telling me I was funny It was just like giant to me. You know it's like there's guys that just don't impress easily when those guys come up to you And say totally you it's it's fucking big I remember this is gonna sound like a list of all people that the trees did it for me on Twitter one time

What I'd fucking birth conquer or whatever and I was in a hotel room in San Antonio of all the people that did that. Patrice did it for me on Twitter one time. What? I'd fucking birth conquer or whatever, and I was in a hotel room in San Antonio, and he just put out a tweet saying, hey, congrats to my buddy, or whatever. I don't know. I'm not going to paraphrase. I know I'm going to fluff it up.

But it's great to see Bert Kreischer succeeding. He's been an OG or whatever in the business. And I remember my cameraman, Scott Sands, was like, dude, because he knew how much Patrice meant to me. He's like, Patrice, did you see what he the business. And I remember my cameraman, Scott Sands, was like, dude. Because he knew how much Patrice meant to me. He's like, Patrice, did you see what he just tweeted? And I read it. And I shut my door and I fucking cried. I was like, dude.

He was the fucking, I mean, he was like. He was a special voice, too. Yeah, real. Very, very special. He's a guy that I think if he was alive today you're the biggest podcast i would be number two he would be number one patrice yeah let's be very let's be very fair no he wouldn't yeah he would not have the biggest podcast you'd have a hard time listening to it what are you talking about he was great on ona he was great on ona but he did have a podcast

and it was tough to listen to really oh yeah he had? Oh, yeah. He had the Dr. Phillips podcast. Oh, yeah. Black Phillip. Black Phillip. He had out there theories. And if you allow Patrice one mic with no pushback, sometimes you get going to some places where you're like, I don't feel like that totally.

I'm just being fair. I love the guy to death. But he had the capacity to say I'm sorry you have to find your voice in a podcast you have to figure out how to do it we all had to figure out how to do it right yeah but Patrice would have been great on this podcast yes he would have been amazing

on this podcast oh he would have been amazing he was Patrice was a genius at like at having an idea and putting it your way and then letting you kind of go and then just slamming it and going this, this, this.

He was so brilliant, but trust me, I listened to a lot of his podcasts and it was early days. I remember I got a compliment from Atel in 05 and I was like, oh my god. That could not have been a bigger compliment. And then the next year, 06, he came through.

I love this. And he was like, he requested me. I got a call. They're like, he requested you. And I was like, oh my God. And then after one of the shows, he was like, you don't have a new 20 minutes? And I was like, what?

And he's like, what, do you want to be an actor or something? And I was like, oh my God. It went from the highest high to like, oh, shit. But also good tough love. Oh, of course it was. It was great. It was super tough. He does tough love to himself.

I had him in here the other day. The toughest love to himself. He's so self-deprecating and so humble. It's like, dude, you're one of the greatest of all time. He's so good. The best. I mean, I'm not saying this lightly. The best comic in the world. He is the best comic in the world I'm not saying this lightly. The best comic in the world.

He's consistently every night. Certainly up there. He's certainly up there with the greats of all time. We did Rochester, and there's a whole city behind you. No comic thought to use the city landscape as tags for jokes. And Attell went up, and he said, you know, the kind of guy that goes to Monroe Community College? And we turn around, there's a huge sign that the audience sees right above but oh if you don't like that joke just pray to the glowing cross up on the mountain and there's a cross up there i mean he just worked like so seamlessly worked the city landscape into his bit dude he

did sit stuff that weekend i still haven't seen people do which is like we were doing like six show weekends at brea yeah and thursday he would do you know is like, we were doing like six show weekends at Brea. Yeah. And Thursday, he would do, you know, his set. And there'd be like this joke, whatever,

20 minutes in, that kills. And then Friday early show, there'd be a different punchline that would do worse. So Friday late show, I would listen and it would be that joke again.

He would do, he didn't do the thursday night one that killed he tried yet another yeah and i was like what the fuck and he was doing this like throughout his set all the time it was like he was never satisfied even if it was doing well i was like he's always tweaking and then he was recording exact words like it was i'd never seen somebody he just doesn't self-promote at all. No. He also has a joke structure that's different than everybody, where we'll do

tag, tag, tag, right? And then the next level is tag, tag, up, up, change the game on the third tag. He does tag, change the game slightly, and then go ridiculous on the third. You gotta get the audience along with you for that.

He does it. He's a master. He's one of those guys that quit drinking and actually got better. Everyone who quits drinking gets better. You too? I'm such a better comic when I don't drink. I don't drink on stage, but the laziness

of the drinking in between, lack of motivation, lack of looking at my sets lack of focus or time yeah it just shows it shows up and it rears its head i think it's fun to get drunk on stage every now and then and fuck your act up and try to figure it out in the moment or get high and do that but for the most part i have to do stand-ups over i have to be i had dialed in you got it yeah those weaknesses yeah i was going back from jackson getting ready for my special and i was like i'll get high on the road home with Adrian. And then I was like, no, I know what else is going to happen if I get high.

I'll go home and watch TV. And if I don't get high, I'll go work on some of those taglines. That's the opposite with me. When I get home from a gig, I spark up a joint and sit in front of the computer. Really? Yeah, man, that's my favorite time to write. Like right after I get off stage, because I'm fresh. I've just got off stage and i have these ideas in my head and everyone's asleep in my house so i just fucking open up the patio door spark one up and i get nervous and

crazy and fucking paranoid yeah and then i run up in front of the computer and start writing it's a good habit yeah you have a different motivation than other people. Like, you probably go on stage as a millionaire more than any millionaire in the world. Yep. There's not a lot of millionaires doing what you do. You got to work out, man. You got to work out. You got to do what got you to the dance. I never stop.

You have to. You got to do clubs. You got to do little shitty shows. I do everything. When I landed, I texted. I was like, I'm going to bed. And then you were like, do a spot. And I was like, I cannot do shitty shows. I do everything. When I landed, I texted. I was like, I'm going to bed. And then you were like, do a spot. And I was like, I cannot do a spot.

If I just go, I can write it off and go. We shamed you. We shamed you. I was texting with you, and I was talking to Ari. I was like, fuck, Bert's going to sleep. No way. Fuck that. What a bitch.

Emily will shame me. She'll be like, hey, I got a, I won't call him for my avails at the store if I'm home. And she'll just be like, we have availability on Tuesday. And then as soon as I get there, I go, I have to do it. I have to do it. You have to. It's like you got to put in the work, man. It's like there's no substitute for stage time.

There's no substitute for sets. Like when you get in shape, one of the things that I realized when I do like a long tour, I really realized that for the first time when I did the Charlie Murphy tour, because we did 22 dates in a month. So we realized that for the first time when I did the Charlie Murphy tour because we did 22 dates in a month. So we were constantly on the road. And god damn I was talking to Red Band about this. He's like, dude there's something that happened to you. Like around

the 10th show. You just got into this zone. And you're in that right now because you're killing it. We did like 24 shows last month. God. You just know. Now you're just like, you know it. Oh, I can do shit. There's no substitute for that.

I can do shit with this set right now where like, I can like rearrange the whole order and then play the game in my head of figuring out what I haven't done yet. Right. Taking on the fight while you're killing with the bit

going, what should I do next? Yeah, yeah. It's like, it's kind of fun to do. Have you switched your opener up? All the time and closer. Yeah.

Well, Louis said to do that. He said, develop a closing bit and then put it in the first part of your act. Yeah. And he goes, and then you have to follow it. And he goes, and so Louie developed a whole hour in three months. Yeah.

And he said he just developed 20 minutes. And then when he got that 20 minutes, he threw it away. Yeah. He's like, okay, that works now. He's so disciplined in doing this. People say, you know, because the hardest thing to do is go to like the Vulcan or like the store. He's so disciplined in doing this. People say, you know, because the hardest thing to do is go to like the Vulcan or like the store. It's a hot crowd. And to not go like, I'm going to go up there.

Just want to do well. And he will deal with not doing well to figure out stuff, to do work. It's the only way. He knows the path of it. He knows, yeah. It's the only way. It's fucking hard to do.

There's a moment when you start a bit that you know is not that good yet. It's like, I was killing last night and i threw this bit up there i'm like i know this is not right i saw it i saw it i saw it go like this i heard i started and then just it's like this is going to be something someday but right now it's just like bear with me something there's something to this it's got a beginning and doesn't have an end because you're all in writing mode right now. Yeah. I have 11 new minutes.

That's fucking for real. That's exciting, though. You did an hour of change last night. Yeah, I did. Hour 20. But I have 11 of it that's new. And then five more that I'm scared to try. It's just like I know it's like to eat shit.

And you're like, do I have to eat it? No. You know what I got to do is a smaller place where it's not like a bunch of murderers. Because last night was like to eat shit. And you're like, do I have to eat it? No, you know what you gotta do is a smaller place where it's not like a bunch of murderers. Because last night was like murderer's row. Everyone was just killing. That's the problem with the store now. I say you can't go in between Fitzsimmons and Rogan

and just bring out a notebook. You can, but... It's just like not the best environment for it. Dude, nobody turns over an hour like Chappelle. I gotta, I have to see him live. Do eight hours a night. I have to see him live. Oh my God, dude. We did this show in Columbus. You've never seen Chappelle. I gotta I have to see him live. Oh my god, dude. We did this

show in Columbus. You've never seen Chappelle live? I saw him do some spots in Boston Comedy Club when I was a kid, but I've never seen him do live since I was a comedian. We did an arena two weeks ago in Columbus and you know I was in Ohio. That's where he lives. A couple hours from his house. He drove

and he got there four minutes before he went on stage. That's crazy. Yeah, and I wasn't sure if he was going to go up, so I told Tony, I go, you might be bringing me up, you might be bringing Dave up. And so Dave shows up, he rolls in, he's like, ah, sunglasses on, and he goes on stage. You want to see something crazy?

This is the audience not knowing that he's going to be there, and then I walked with him to the stage and shined a light to Tony. This is a fucking sold-out arena. And play this. Because this is – I got goosebumps. The audience doesn't know that he's there yet. So now they see him. Look at this.

Carry on. Dude, it is a one-minute standing ovation let's go asus arena yeah I really their fucking minds. That's wild. Me and Tony sat in the tunnel before you go on stage just watching this. I was like, this is magic, man. This is like the Beatles.

It's incredible. It's incredible. How long did he do? 40 minutes? 30 minutes? Something like that? It was fucking incredible. That's incredible. How long did he do? 40 minutes? 30 minutes? Something like that? It was fucking incredible. Wow.

He crushed. But it wasn't just that. It was the moment because he's an Ohio guy, right? So he's in Ohio and he's their own and he's the GOAT and he gets on stage and they went fucking crazy. That's rad. own and he's the goat and he gets on stage and they went fucking crazy that's right he's brought a little bit back of that 1970s elvis richard pryor movie star like that that like uh that cool you can't be cool you can't manufacture but that's really cool too he's such a good guy genuine you know he's such a good guy too he's such a fucking good person. He has a comedian's ball every year besides Pandemic. He just has a

he rents out a place. Every comedian in New York is invited. And he has someone at the door who knows all the comedians in New York. High level, low level. Open bar. Come have a great time on Dave. And what does he do? Does he do a show? No. Just hangs out. He gets up. He said like two minutes of

words, whatever. He used to have like two minutes of words whatever he puts on He has used to have at the box and so was always like weird like burlesque performers and stuff He just has an event go talk to each other talk about comedy. You guys are all the future He threw this after party in New York that I went to after we did the Radio City now we did the garden yeah, and He did he just like they're like oh, he's having a party this thing in the party So they're like so much better than he had a movie remember Dave Chappelle's block party. Yeah, yeah Yeah, I want to see that in the movie theater. There were wild fucking incredible

And he makes that announcement he gets on the mic there's like DJ there and then you know It'll be just like celebrities, but like there's just regular people and he's just like, put your phones away. You know, we don't, when he says something like, we don't take pictures, we make memories.

Like, stop taking pictures. He's so cool. Everybody just hangs out. It's a great time for comedy. He also, what you're saying, looking at it from the audience point of view,

he puts on a show. I went to see, free ticket, Live Nation friend, Chris Burns was like, we want to go see his movie at Madison Square Garden. I was like, okay. But I know the tickets were like a hundred bucks. I we want to go see his movie at Madison Square Garden I was like okay

but I know the tickets were like a hundred bucks I'm like to see a movie no Jeff Ross Ronnie Chang Jabberwockies the movie

who's the guy who sings Woo Ha what's his name Busta Rhymes Fat Joe Jon Stewart all performed

him Jon Stewart and him together it's like oh right that's a hundred that That's fuck. It should be for that bargain show That's but that's the thing and I mean I don't look if you're if you're perform That's where Chappelle's killing it you know I don't think anyone goes to see a Dave Chappelle show and doesn't talk about it for a month have such a good time I mean, it's like you know it was especially the shows you two were doing when you guys did the Tacoma Dome

for 33,000 people. 25. I would have just let me go with it. Yeah, don't let him. We broke the attendance record. So the 33 breaks it too. Just let it go.

What's the difference? 25 is crazy enough. So, but it's like, that's the thing that I don't think he's looking at it as just what he does. Yeah.

But that's just, that's where his head is. That block party was so next level. You guys broke it in New Orleans, too. I did that New Orleans show with you guys. Yeah, we broke the attendance record there, too. It was pretty nuts. Yeah, we've had some wild shows. Me and him together are really fun, man.

It's like they're events, man. There's something special about it. Hey, Jamie, that's a great hat. I'm sorry I didn't acknowledge it. Me and Jay. I got to run, though. I got to go to the airport. Yeah, it's 12 to go.

I have to go to the airport. Wrap this up. All right. All right, boys. So what do we got? Wait, wait, wait. I'll be in Philadelphia, Portland, Tampa, Salt Lake City, and Dallas. What did you want to say?

What did you want to say? You guys tonight. I'm worried about you guys tonight. Oh. You're worried? Yeah. You're going to Roger Waters. I'm worried about you guys tonight. Oh. You're worried? Yeah. You're going to Roger Waters. He's worried that you guys are going to fall off.

No, but here's the deal. One small piece of paper. One very small piece of paper. All I need, all I need, all we need is 100% transparency. Oh, yeah. If something happens, it happens. I'm going clean this month. But if you guys smoke marijuana, I will not hold it against you.

I don't want you to think your month's over. Are you giving us a free pass? We'll tell you this. I'll tell you this much. If you invited me and I went tonight, I would definitely smoke weed. I would, without a doubt. You want to go tonight? I got a fucking show in Youngstown.

I would go tonight, too, if I weren't flying out. I'd love to go see you. All I'm saying is marijuana's not alcohol. It's not. And you're going to see Pink Floyd. We only put marijuana in just to fuck with Joe that first year. I think Joe needs to address his addiction. Pray for Joe.

I already addressed it. I think you should be allowed to do an edible. Something acid, edible, mushrooms. Mushrooms, acid, I don't count as allowed to do an edible. Something acid, edible, mushrooms. Mushrooms, acid, I don't count as sobriety at all. Interesting. I've never counted mushrooms. I mean, neither has I think AA is like totally looks past those.

Well, AA was founded by a guy who did acid. That's why you quit doing alcohol is by acid. Yeah. I'm never doing acid or mushrooms. That's not in my wheelhouse. I'm probably not. Never? No.

Yeah. Why? What? I just don't. It's not where I want to be. What do you mean not in my wheelhouse. I'm probably not. Never? No, yeah. Why? What? I just don't. It's not where I want to be. Come at me, Joe. What do you mean, where you want to be? I don't know. I don't have that brain.

We're like, what the fuck? I did it a few weeks ago. What? Acid? Acid. I did ayahuasca. What? I swear to God.

Shut up. I swear. Is it acid and ayahuasca a few weeks ago? No, not acid. I did mushrooms, ayahuasca. Wait, what? Yeah, I did it. What the fuck are you talking about?

That's what I did. Are you lying right now? I swear to God. Where'd you do ayahuasca. Wait, what? Yeah, I did it. What the fuck are you talking about? That's what I did. Are you lying right now? I swear to God. Where'd you do ayahuasca? It was here. I did it with a private, like a shaman. How was it? It was amazing.

This is a bit. Not a bit. This is a bit. Not a bit. How long did it last? I started, I took it around 4.30 p.m. And I was tripping balls until like 2.30 in the morning. Wow. Wow.

Wow. Yeah. Where'd you do it? I got a suite at a place, like a private place. Wait, why? Why did you do it? Because I just thought I heard great things about it. Yeah, no one has a bad time.

How do you bring this up at the end of a goddamn podcast? Because you just said that you were going to be gay and I didn't want you to be. Hold on. I'll set it up for you. No fucking way. Why? Last thing I want to see

is a snake eat me. No, it's not like that. It's not like that. It was peaceful. No panic. No anxiety. No paranoia. It was awesome.

You feel clean? Yeah, yeah. Did you see anything that you want to talk about? No, I mean, I did go for a walk at like 1.30 in the morning on these private grounds

and I thought I saw a fox on this path and I was like... That's just a parrot animal. Well, no, well no it was a cat a wild cat but i didn't know i couldn't make out what it was and it froze me for a second but it was real what do you think your spirit animal is i think it has to be a bear it's a dead man here's the drops again mine's a bear and if you want to get merch go to ymhtudios.com Hey hold on I know you have to leave but wait hold on So wait did Push do it?

No just me You just did it by yourself? Dude you are a fucking psycho Bring me next time I'll set it up We can do it as like a group even Let's fucking go I'm in Oklahoma City

I think we should You should put the Kool-Aid aside for a night It's amazing like a group even. Let's fucking go. Let's fucking not. I'm in Oklahoma City. Okay, you don't have to, Bert. I'll call me to your room on the phone. I think we should. You should put the Kool-Aid aside for a night. Yeah, I'm going to talk to you about it. It's amazing. Okay. Ari, what's your spirit animal? So the shaman I had,

he's throwing this like waxy stuff into the fire and you'll see like shapes and stuff and every once in a while I'll throw more in there and I saw a fucking, like a weird poodle. Maybe it's that. Or an aardvark. Maybe an aardvark because of my nose. Ari the poodle. Maybe it's that. Or an aardvark. Maybe an aardvark because of my nose. Ari the poodle.

I don't know, but I don't know what spirit. What's your animal? Yeah, what's yours? It's got to be a wolf. Chipmunk. I think it's probably a wolf. I think it's probably a wolf. It's surprising.

Gorilla. Wild chimp. I had a dream once where I was a wolf. I had a dream once where I could smell rain. It was me and some other animals, and we were closing in on a deer, where I could smell rain it was me and some other animals and we were closing in on a deer and we could smell rain I remember smelling things

there's no way you could smell it and then I woke up because I realized that I was doing it, I was like what the fuck is this it was too real, but it was like in a rainforest and I could smell things that I just could not, there's no way you could smell it I could smell fear and I just could not. There's no way you could smell it.

I could smell fear. We were looking at this animal, and we were communicating telepathically, me and these other animals. I think it was a wolf. But I remember smelling rain. Damn. I could smell the rain.

I could smell fear. I could smell this animal's anxiety as it's moving slowly through the bushes, like trying to avoid predators. And I was like, this is too real. And I woke up. Wow. I promise you would like this experience. I will not.

You can't drink. Did I tell you you can't drink after this? On Two Bears, One Cave. Okay. You can't drink for eight days after this. Do not talk to anyone else about this. Do you understand me? Fucks it up.

Still working in your system. Okay. Really? Fucks what up? Fucks up the effects. And the guy that told me was like, don't fuck with it. No sex, no alcohol. You the guy that told me was like, don't fuck with it. No sex.

No doubt. You're going to say I'm fine. Don't fuck with it. This is how well I know Tom. What? He's been antsy about leaving for the last 20 minutes because I've been watching you do your little knee thing where you're like. He's got a show.

He's got things to do. All right. Boys, I love you. Love you guys. Love you very much. Have a good time tonight. We're going to have a good time tonight. Have fun.

Eat an edible. Okay. Bye, everybody. you love you guys love you very much yeah we're gonna have a good time tonight have fun eat an edible okay bye everybody