The Joe Rogan Experience - #188 - Amy Schumer

Episode Date: February 21, 2012

Joe sits down with Amy Schumer.

That's a very mild version of the song there. It's like you weren't trying to hurt Amy Schumer's ears. I was protecting. That was the lady-friendly version? I think that was. I think that's exactly what he was doing. Is that what you were doing? Yeah, exactly.

Because you find her cute. I didn't want to startle her. You love her. You love her already. Look, you're already adjusting your behavior. Say it. That's respect. That's some serious respect. Whoa, I'm excited. Because usually it blows your Look, you're already adjusting your behavior. Say it. That's respect. That's some serious respect.

Whoa, I'm excited. Because usually it blows your fucking eardrums out. Yeah. And it's all silly. It's like tea party music. And then he gets silly with the fade out, you know, because he fades it out. They go, wah, wah, wah, wah. And it'll go on for like minutes.

But not with you. With you, he's trying to be like really unobtrusive and really sweet. Look, I'm putting collages of pictures together. You're making him the best. You're making him the best Brian he can be. He's doing his job. You're shocked. For real, if it wasn't for you here,

I think you're making Brian the best Brian he can possibly be. Is this a better version of you, Brian, for real? No. What if I bring out the best in you? Don't run away from this. He's trying to troll me right now. Yo, I'm not trying to troll you. Women do do that.

That's one of the things that... He's playing a practical joke on me right now. You know how guys... This is going to sound totally ridiculous, but you know how guys will sometimes get divorced and the woman will get half a guy's shit and then people will say, oh man, that's fucked up.

She never told a joke or she never, you know, made one point. You know, how the fuck did she get half his money? But the combination of people sometimes, sometimes like a woman will come into your life and she's such a badass bitch and you want to impress her so much. You will be a better person. Well, I think the flip side of that is I think what chicks do. Not me. Well, I think the flip side of that is I think what chicks do, not me, no. I think when you start dating somebody, like, I'll just, like, I'm, like, super cool new girl. You know?

I'm like, let me just sweep the crazy under the rug for a couple months. I'm like, you don't need to see this. Of course. You don't need to meet my mom who I'm becoming. And then, you know, the truth comes out eventually. But I think you're, like, the best version of yourself at first. And then you can't help it. That's what I always tell guys.

You should be the you who you're pretending to be when you're trying to get laid. If you do that. Stay that way. Stay that guy. Be that guy. Yes. It is possible to be that guy. It's fucking hard.

You can like decide and work on it. Yeah. Be the you that you pretend to be when you're trying to get laid. I think it takes a lot of vitamin D or something. Yes. It definitely takes vitamin D. That's why I'm so low on D. You got to do squats.

Yeah. You got to do deadlifts. A ton of squats. Squats doesn't give you D. Kettlebell, son. Big fucking heavy ones. 50 pounders, 70 pounders. You got to really work the spine and the core.

All that is part of it. You got to keep your core engaged for sure. My inner core. For sure. So I think that Amy Schumer Is like your muse Is what I'm saying Oh my god

You know that she's hilarious You know that she's talented as fuck So when you're around her You've got like this Like crazy respect Because you're also Physically attracted to her Like there's a lot going on here

This is the best Right Don't you feel this Don't you feel this Amy There's a lot going on here I am loving this Brian this is It's not bad bro.

Brian's totally shaking his head. Brian, are you a denial? All I'm saying is she makes you a better person. I know, what is this shirt? It's Cougar Hunter. Yeah,

the evidence is right there. That shirt is so ridiculous. I know. You know what I want to do? I want to get pictures of you in the woods near my house where the mountain lion is. Oh.

Let's go out near my house because there's been four mountain lion sightings near my house. Holy shit. Attacks or. Let's go out near my house because there's been four mountain line sightings. Yeah. Near my house. Attacks or just sightings? No, just sightings. You know, the attacks are usually on dogs and a lot of rabbits get fucked up and the

occasional deer, if they catch a deer, they'll basically fuck up anything. Yeah. But they try to avoid people as much as possible. So it's really weird that they've seen four or at least one four times in the course of It might be the same one most likely i'm obsessed with that show you ever watch i survived yeah and the mountain lion ones really fuck me up they just like they scalp you they're horrific they're horrific they're so dangerous people you don't even have any idea of how strong they are you know when you see one there was one uh when i was in

colorado they had a stuffed one like this they had this crazy wildlife exhibit place where there was this guy taking care of like all these different tigers that were from zoos and so it was like a big huge area filled with big cats but they had a stuffed mountain lion and it was like 200 pounds

150 200 pounds but it's what when you look at the dimensions that's what it freaks you out you see the width of its paws It's wrist is like Twice the size of a man's Yeah They're enormous wrists And then you look at the bones

Of the paws And you look at the fucking head All of it just designed To fuck shit up Just ruin you Yeah Imagine a cat As big as a person

This is essentially what it is Right It's a big man But it's a cat It's like six feet 200 pound yeah fucking cat the one i saw and i survived the woman was trying to save her husband and she was jamming a pen into the mountain lion's eye and it wasn't even reacting oh my god what yeah yeah

jesus fucking christ yeah you would have to brick that thing are you scared like to be outside by your house yeah a little bit You know Yeah but I pack heat You know what I do When I go outside Sometimes I go outside To take a leak

Just to put my mark Around the house That's not weird That's not weird That's not weird at all And I do it in my underwear With a gun in my underwear I just tuck the gun

In my underwear See I just poop in Little coffee cans Inside my house And then I just put them around my yard You guys I feel like We should have more secrets From each other

Let's start now And we'll just It'll just be secrets Listen ladies and gentlemen I don't really walk around my house I'm just fucking around But I did When I was hiking in Colorado

I did always used to bring a gun Just for that very reason Yeah Just for the mountain lion reason Most likely it never happens, but fuck if it does happen. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to shoot that cunt?

Those posters that say like, just make yourself bigger. Yeah. Like this is gonna. You say it's gonna, but you gotta do something. I know. Listen,

you gotta do something. A big wild killer is looking at you. I'm gonna throw my friend at the mountain line and I'll go get help. Yeah. That's probably a good move.

That's a good move. Say, you're better at playing dead. And then just push good move. That's a good move. Say, you're better at playing dead. And then just push them. You're a better actor. You remember in South Park when the fucking actors had to save the world, how important it was?

It's like, you can save us. You're an actor. Just push her in there. Play like you're dead. Operation Human Shield. Pretend. Go, bitch. Oh, wow.

Mountain lion's eating your asshole. Ouch. Joe, do you remember that thing we talked about a while back where I said if you ever get attacked by a lion, I would take a piece of paper and try to throw it like if it was a real cat. And you were like, oh, you're stupid. But somebody posted this amazing documentary of this guy. And you've actually seen it before where he gets really close to this this lion this male lion and this girl lion and he's holding a toilet paper roll and the whole time

he's just holding it like in his right hand and then like the cat starts coming up to him he's just like like about to throw the toilet paper roll and the cat just kind of like looks over to the right and it like it looks like you're just like jerking off the cat right now yeah but no but then at one point, like he got really close and the guy was like going to use that to throw it in the opposite direction. He said that that would be

like his only chance to survive. It was that little toilet paper. Oh my God. Yeah, and if I could find the video, I'll try to find it. If anyone knows what I'm talking about, tweet it to me. So his only chance to survive

was to distract him with toilet paper. Yeah, yeah. We have to watch this video. I hope somebody tweets me because you'll freak out. Wow, because they've never seen anything like it before? trans to survive was to distract him with toilet paper yeah yeah we have to watch this video i hope somebody tweets me because you'll freak out wow because they've never seen anything like it before it's because in their instincts yeah their instincts are still a cat like work if you throw anything at a cat you know it will be like what the fuck's that we should kill all cats yeah let's just eliminate you know i love my cats and everything but i know the only reason why i love

them is because of the size difference you know i'm way bigger than them if she wanted to fuck around if she wanted to fuck around try to kill me i could snap her neck do you know what i'm saying that's what makes you love something well no that's why she loves me like i'm big enough but if the roles were reversed my cat would eat me yeah your cat for sure cats i don't they're like abusive relationships they fucking do they would totally when they need something they're like abusive relationships. They fucking do... They would totally eat you. When they need something, they're like, Hey, it's me. And then when they're like, fuck off. You can't have a cat and a pet mouse.

You just can't have it. Do you have that? You just can't have it. A pet mouse? Yeah. No, but I do have cats. I have two cats. What are their names?

You don't need to know. I'm interested. This is personal creepy shit. You're getting rid of me. Here's that video, Joe. I'm painting myself a picture. Here's that video. Spaz and'm painting myself a picture. Here's that video. Spaz and Oliver.

Okay. Yeah, that's... I'm not judging you. Oh, this is insane. Oh, my God. This guy's out of his fucking mind. I hope that guy's lying to us. He's going to throw it at his head and hope it his fucking mind. How else would that guy's lion size? He's going to throw it at his head

and hope it creates a diversion. Oh my God, look at that thing. None of them have guns either. What's the cameraman doing? Look at this fucking lion. Look at the size of this thing. I don't know which thing you're talking about. It gets intense.

Oh my God. It's intense now. For the audio listeners, it's a bear versus a lion. A bear? I mean, a big hairy guy. Oh my god. It's intense now. For the audio listeners, it's a bear versus a lion. A bear? I mean, a big hairy guy. A big man with a ponytail.

Yeah, you got some questionable life choices when you got a ponytail anyway. It is a bear versus a lion. Oh my god. Oh my god. Look at the size of this thing. It gets intense here for a second. Jesus Christ. It doesn't even need this creepy music. It's just intense.

That is a big killer. A big wild killer. Jesus Christ! It doesn't even need this creepy music, like it's just intense. That is a big killer, a big wild killer. Time to time the cat flips its tail around, a sign that he views Mike as a potential danger. I don't know. He remains both threatening and defensive throughout the entire duel with the lion. Between being alone with that lion or that dude, I think I'd take my chances with the lion. Oh my god, this is terrifying. Can you imagine that?

Look at the size of its arms. Just look at that thing. It's beautiful. It's horrifying at the same time. The idea of that thing looking at you, this 600-pound fucking monster that just kills things every day, in Africa? Jesus fucking Christ. What second lion? There's a second lion in the back. Oh, my God. There What's second lion?

There's a second lion in the back. Oh, my God. There's a second lion. Oh, my God. This guy's alone with the two of them. Why is this guy in Narnia? Oh, my God. He is fucking up here.

Yeah, this is where it gets fucking crazy right here. That guy doesn't seem scared. Is he just that cool? He's stoned. Yeah, they put him on meds. He's on meds. They just dropped him in a field. They're like, good luck. Here's a ball of paper.

Look at that thing! My god! This is like a fucking werewolf movie. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. Oh my god. this is insane it's walking away oh my god and then that is it

oh my god it walked away Jesus Christ that's terrifying that was heavy but yeah that is so terrifying so my paper

theory is totally legit wow Brian Redman's paper theory so if you're getting attacked Paper theory is totally legit. Wow. Brian Redband's paper theory. So if you're getting attacked by a tiger, get some paper, crinkle it in the ball, and then right before it attacks you, you're going to throw it.

Is it the big motion of it? Like you're throwing something and it's big and white and they don't know what the fuck it is? I don't think it was that paper. Fuck. I think it's just a hack into the brain of a cat or a feline that for some whatever reason, they they they that crinkly noise, that that that ball that what's in your hand type thing. It doesn't know what it is. So it's right.

It just spazzes out like what the fuck's on this. We're so lucky cats are stupid as fuck. We're so lucky. Toilet paper distracts them. Oh, that was scary. That was one of those things. I mean, even though it was a shitty, blurry YouTube-style video, it was still absolutely terrifying.

There's got to be an HD version of that out there. Oh, yeah. It's called Man vs. Wild Pride, Male Lion. And it's off the Animal Planet. So it's like an Animal Planet DVD that's available? Yeah. Man vs. what? It says Man vs. Wild Pride. I don't know if that's right. Man vs DVD that's available? Yeah. Man versus what? It says Man versus Wild Pride.

I don't know if that's what it is. Man versus Wild Pride. Jesus Christ. I want to know that guy's deal. He's crazy. What's going on with that dude? He's taking, well, you know, he's another one of those dudes, those wild, I'm going to get close to animal dudes that have been popping up a lot lately.

We should really say rest in peace if he is dead because he probably is. That looks like an old video and he's doing that kind of shit he's probably not even alive anymore so he looked like he was on his last leg regardless yeah like i think i guess steve irwin sort of started that all off you know because he was like real wild with an animal the crocodile hunter dude he would get like right up to him and you know and what was the one with the black bear what was that movie oh grizzly man no it was a brown bear it was yeah the brown bears are the big with the black bear? What was that movie? Oh, Grizzly Man. Grizzly. Oh, that was so fucked up. No, it was a brown bear. It was?

Yeah, the brown bears are the big ones. The black bears aren't that dangerous. Black bears, they don't really attack people as much or kill people as much. It's the bigger bears are the brown bears. Yeah, he was that nutty dude who lived in Alaska, and they said that he was essentially death by bear. I mean, he suicided himself. He wanted to do that.

It was suicide by bear. He just stayed late suicided himself. He wanted to do that. It was suicide by bear. He just stayed late. He's not supposed to be there. The bears that are awake are super dangerous because they can't kill anything. So they're not fat enough to hibernate. And so they'll eat anything. They eat babies. They were eating babies.

He caught the meeting babies. And he's still stuck around. Fuck. Yeah. That poor girl. I always think about his girlfriend. She died too, right? Yeah, absolutely. That was brutal. I always think about his girlfriend. She died too, right? Yeah, absolutely.

That was brutal. She died after she tried to help him. Apparently the video is, there was a cap over the camera, but the audio is there of the whole event. And it's like six minutes long. Shit. Yeah. The movie only played like the very beginning of that, right?

No, they didn't play any of the audio of the attack. Too disturbing. Yeah. beginning of that right no they didn't play any of the audio of the attack yeah yeah the the in the in the movie his ex-wife uh or his ex-girlfriend whatever it is is listening to it she's listening to the audio and she's the one who decides her and warner of her song the the guy who's director they decided not to release it but it's a long audio too it's like bears don't kill you they just eat you and eventually you die it's a completely different, too. It's like bears don't kill you. They just eat you. Oh, God. And eventually you die.

It's a completely different deal than a cat. You're way better off getting killed by a cat. Yeah, cats seem sweeter. Cats just... They sell to you. Cats kill you. Well, they kill you. They kill you, yeah.

The first thing they're going to do is grab ahold of your neck and they're going to kill you. That's their instinct. They're not worried about you. Bears just hold you and start eating. God. Jesus! Was there any proof that the wife of that bear dude didn't have a penis, right?

Yes, she was a real woman. It was sad. Some women get just roped up with guys, and they can't find a man, so they find some guy who doesn't want to believe that he's gay, so he's living in the woods with bears and shit. He was a crazy, obviously gay guy. I mean, as gay as you can get. And I think for some dudes, the desire to stay in the closet is so strong.

It leads to be so fucking crazy. They're willing to go live with grizzlies, you know, and he had this whole thing. He's protecting. I'm protecting these bears. Does the forest department want to help them? No. Does the sheriff's department want to help them? No.

The wildlife. You fuck you. You motherfuckers. And he was like yelling and screaming at the camera and pointing at them and then he would like like like reconstitute himself clean himself up get back in and do it again and do like another take on it he did like he should have just taken a dick once lived his life yeah probably i think that would have certainly helped him i think he was uh and he had this crazy thing where he was like walking, holding the camera, talking about if he was just gay.

If I was just gay, it would be so easy. I could just go to a. Yes. Yeah. I could. You know, you go to a rest stop. But oh, well, I'm not gay. Just gay for bears.

It was just it was the most obvious I'm gay like cry for help. Yeah. It was really sad. It is sad because it's fucked up that it's fucked up that dudes get stuck in that closet situation, man. That's a terrible place to be, to pretend your whole life to be one thing when really you could just say you're another and everybody will still love you. It's like you don't have to. I know dudes that are in the closet today.

Me too. Tom Segera, Burt Kreiser. Hey, easy, bro. I thought we were going to talk about that on the air. Oh, no. Brian, you're such a dick. I knew it. I knew it. How dare you? Oh, we'll edit it. I think we're doing it talk about that on the air. Oh, no. Brian, you're such a dick. I knew it. I knew it.

How dare you? Oh, we'll edit it. I think we're doing it live on Ustream right now, you fuckhead. How dare you? Burt and Tom fucking? Oh, yeah. Oh, God. They don't really fuck. They just start to fuck, and they come prematurely all over each other.

Oh, God. It never actually becomes Burt and Tom fucking. They're so hot for each other, and the idea of them fucking is so hot. It's enough. They never get it inside each other. There's no penetration. They just come close, and Tom fucking. They're so hot for each other. And the idea of them fucking is so hot. It's enough. They never get it inside each other. There's no penetration. They don't make it that far. They just come close and they come.

Oh. Yeah. They're trying to be less gay just so that they could have gay sex. They're so gay that they can't even actually consummate. No. No. They just. It's not about that.

They just start twitching and coming all over themselves. It's so great to think about. I'm like picturing Bert's family like what his family is totally down don't worry everybody's cool they are the coolest yeah but if you're bert's kid you gotta know what the fuck is up you gotta know there's some craziness in the world those chicks run the house yeah they're ready for anything it's probably best for him that they run the house could you imagine if he ran the house no No. You know? Bert's crazy. I could just picture those girls making him dress up for a tea party.

Oh, of course. Oh, yeah. I'm sure he does all that stuff. The works. You have to do all that stuff when you have kids. Bert Kreischer. He's another one of those dudes that I think the internet is perfect for. You know?

Like, people get to see the real Bert Kreischer. Because you don't have to see his body? No. When you get to hear him like when he's on podcasts you know you get you get the total you know when he's not stuck on like if he's if he's doing letterman or something he's always hilarious but he's stuck to like seven minutes right you can't get to really know him you need the the bird experience you need a two hour bird crisis experience amy schumer how long you've been doing comedy? Seven and a half years. Yeah? Mm-hmm. You did that Charlie Sheen roast, and that's when I really, that's when I found out about you. I'd heard your name before.

People would say you're really funny. Yeah. I don't want to blow your head up. I don't want you to get crazy. Do it. Come on. I'm in a bad place. You know, when dudes would go, you know, guys always, every now and then someone will have

this conversation when you see like a really funny chick. You know, like, oh, there's another one. So because it's, you know how it is with chick comedy, you know, with chick comedy, there's like, I'd say dudes, it's hard enough to do comedy to be a dude, but to be a woman, just to get over the societal boundary of you being the one talking, I think it's way more difficult for a woman. Yeah. I think it's way more difficult for men, especially meatheads and insecure guys to accept the fact that a woman's on stage talking

Yes, and then your subject matter is obviously gonna be more Not I wouldn't say more restrictive but it's more difficult for you to get out certain things especially sexual stuff and you know and and and certain things about judgments and and certain things about judgments and politics because people are reluctant to take the opinion of a woman. For sure. A lot of people are. For sure. It's way harder, I think, for a chick to make it and be a stand-up.

So when you see a bad motherfucker come along, like yourself, I'm always very impressed because I know that it's harder for a woman to do than a man. And when I heard you on that Charlie Sheen roast, I was like, holy shit, this chick is fucking funny. You had some really funny lines. I was like, oh, shit. You know, I generally, like a lot of times, roasts, I go, oh, okay, you're just being mean. You know, I get it.

You're being mean to each other. And sometimes it's funny. And sometimes it's just, whoa, this is like some weird, creepy shit that guy's been like storing about this dude. Where is this coming from? It's gross gross right the way you did it was awesome and the fucking exchange you got him with mike tyson can we play that because can we play that oh my god i got we got to play that if we can if we can find it if brian can find it he'll put it up because it was so funny mike tyson was trying to go back and forth with you and you just handled him you handled mike tyson the way mike t Tyson used to beat up boxers.

It was really funny. That was like when I watched that. That was like in retrospect. I was like, Jesus. You know? I was like, did that just happen? Like, I just like, man. You just manhandled Mike Tyson in a verbal.

I think I'm just like in the white girl bubble enough still to be like, he won't, he won't. He's not going to come over here. Like, I'm going to the white girl bubble enough still to be like, he won't. He won't. He's not going to come over here. I'm going to be up. But afterwards, I was like, holy shit. Yeah, you shouldn't assume that he can take a joke. I mean, he's a way calmer version of Mike Tyson than he was back in his fighting days.

But he's a scary guy. It was still like, yeah, there were some uncomfortable moments still where he'd pretend to be like he was going to hit someone. You're like, that's not funny to anybody but you. Well, they'll laugh at it. That's the problem. If he has like fakes punches at people, people will laugh just out of uncomfort. Yeah, no one's going to be like, you know what, Michael, that makes me uncomfortable. You're crossing a line, Michael.

Yeah. You know, you used to be a professional fighter. Right. I'd like to talk about my boundaries. He's like, yeah, you just have to be like, oh, that was awesome. I'm going to leave a professional fighter I'd like to talk about my boundaries He's like what? You just have to be like that was awesome I'm going to leave a couple minutes early Let him grab your dick

He grabbed my dick the whole night You got to let him as long as he's not squeezing it You might want to call the cops That was like afterwards I was like I can't believe that just happened But he did a great job I think he did even better than what they made it look like the writers are all kind of sweating if he was going to be able to deliver but I thought he like nailed it yeah well what did you think that he was going

to be able to do you just thought well I I didn't know the writers who had been working with him were kind of like oh we hope he was like the wild card like he might just bug out like say be completely incoherent right because they had like a concept for him like he might just bug out, like say, be completely incoherent. Right. Because they had like a concept for him that he was going to speak really intelligently and spout poetry and, you know, and, but he did a great job. Well, he used to, that's what he, I mean, he was like a weird sort of a, kind of almost like a ghetto philosopher when he was a young guy, because he would mess up words and stuff,

but he would quote you all sorts of crazy things. He's a scholar on boxing history. And when he was a young guy, he wasn't an inarticulate guy. I don't know how much has changed, but there's an inevitable decline in your ability to function after getting punched in the head that many times. After somebody's beating you in the head? Yeah, it's inevitable.

There's a certain amount, you know. Yeah. There's a certain amount. And no one wants to admit that or accept that, but that is a fact. Yeah. I kind of, to be totally honest, I felt the only sort of remorse I felt that night was for him. Yeah.

Because it was like, he's for sure brain damaged. Right. And it felt like, you know. I think you fucking had to do what you had to do girl I think you were you were in the pen with crocodiles

and you poked them in the eyes and ran they didn't see me coming yeah have you found it Brian they're all a bunch of fake ones

oh really yeah like it's just like screenshots oh has it been like copyrighted or something yeah Comedy Central

is on it it's probably on Comedy Central's website. Yeah, why would you want to have a bunch of people watch it and see how funny those roasts are? Yeah, pull those clips down, you fucks. Get them down, you guys. You can advertise the X-Body Spray. Get them on your site. Is it because they want to sell more

DVDs? Is that what it is? Yeah, they want you to subscribe to them on cable and stuff. But they probably have them somewhere on their website deep under commercials. It's so archaic that we're thinking. It's so dumb. They don't understand that the more people that would watch those videos,

the more people would watch those roasts. It's that simple. If 100 million people watch the video, I'm like, oh my God, this is awesome. And then another roast is coming on. Boom, they're going to want to watch it. It's this weird thinking that you don't want anything good to be available for free online.

Fucking silly assholes. How much do you spend in advertising to have fucking tied all over, you know, commercials all over sitcoms, and yet they're not willing to let things be free online? Do you not understand that's the same thing? And this one you don't have to pay for? You crazy assholes. All right. Here is a clip of it.

So. Are you sure? Yeah. Crazy assholes. All right, here is a clip of it. So... Are you sure? Yeah. Where you turn girls who are just making out with each other. What are you doing? I don't know what that is. Hold on. That's you having the other podcast going on in the background.

That was Sam Tripoli's voice. That hurts everybody's feelings. It doesn't hurt. No, every week it happens. It's impossible for him to not do this Brian just be where you are Fucked up Everything's wonky No matter what Brian be here

With us He can't Every audio clip It's part of the charm of the show Oh okay You gotta accept it It's perfection And it's imperfection

There you are Hey look at you Oh what a sweetheart Nice dress What a sweet lady One of the waitresses at the cellar made that Really? Yeah

Oh wow that's cool Shannon She's a dressmaker? No I'm asking I couldn't understand a fucking word he said. Mike, your voice sounds like a girl crying. Every time you speak, do you give yourself an erection? I like the answer.

Hey, Mike, here's something you'll never hear. Great tattoo! Oh shit. You have a slutty lower back tattoo on your face. Here's something you'll never hear, great tattoo! Oh shit. You have a slutty lower back tattoo on your face. Oh my god. Ben don't know whether to be scared of it or finish on it. Oh my god. Look at that face, it's so dark and wrinkly and constantly getting pounded.

It's like Patrice's grandmother's asshole after a gospel brunch. I'm just assuming she raised you. Oh, shit. Yikes. Patrice's face. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Does that make you feel bad now that Patrice is dead?

No, no, he was proud of me. He was my good friend. I love Patrice. That was hilarious. I wanted him to think I did a good job, and I know he did. We hung out at the after party, and I was like, he was proud of me. Oh, you know you did a good job. Yeah, but I wanted Patrice to, you know, it doesn't matter, do whatever patrice when i heard he was gonna be on the dais i was like oh shit that that kicked me into the next gear i was like really oh that's cool oh i yeah he's one of

my favorite comics i was like shit i can't phone in even a second he'll be like he'll call bullshit yeah he'll call bullshit on everything and anything yeah he was fun he was fun yeah he's just but no i didn't feel bad about anything about anything but that uh that that fucking launched you right that comedy central thing as far as like people know and i got a corporate gig like i mean you know that must mean you must be getting a lot more stand-up work now no i'm getting more on the road i probably make uh like maybe twice what I was making on the road before. But that's great. Yeah.

Right away. Totally. How crazy is that? Look at that one video. Isn't it amazing? It still doesn't seem worth it. No, I mean, not the roast. I mean, I mean, but just being on the road like you don't like it.

No. Oh, you know what you got to do? Yeah. You bring your friends. That's what I'm doing. Yeah. I bring Ari Shaffir or Joey Diaz or everybody. Well, that sounds terrible.

Hey. I'm just kidding. I love Ari. You know, it makes such a difference. Oh, it's a night and day. It goes from being a chore to being a great time. Like fun. But what I also realized, I've always stayed in the shittiest hotels, you know?

But now staying in a nice hotel, the road is a whole different experience. It was like you didn't want to touch the sheets yeah yeah yeah paired with some assholes that thought they should be headlining the comedy condo i just say no to condos like that's the only time i use that i'm a girl on the road they had you paired in hotel rooms i had i've seen comedy condos not not hotel rooms but in comedy condos where they don't have doors on the rooms with dudes. Yeah. Like, I put in my time on the road. Damn. Nobody can say I didn't.

Those are dark days. Yeah. Did you ever do La Jolla Comedy Store? No. That's the darkest condo on the earth. Oh, I've heard of that condo. More uncomfortable post-coital moments have occurred. You walk in, you feel the uncomfort of road stank.

No. You know, of road hacks and whatever poor lonely fuck allows those road hacks to stick their dick inside of them. Crab's nest. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, never again. I can say, never again. No comedy condos. But yeah, I bring my friend with me now.

The next one is Phoenix. Phoenix was a dark one too. The Tempe Improv. Oh, okay. That was Joey Diaz's haunt. Back in the dark days of Joey Diaz, he would pull the fucking shades closed. You wouldn't even hear him. You couldn't call him.

He wouldn't answer his pager. There was nothing going on with Joey Diaz for hours. He would come out to do a show, look like a vampire, looking like Bela Lugosi. Jesus. I've been furious. I've been in condos where I heard the feature act getting fucked, and I was laying there. You were getting fucked and you were sleeping?

No, I was trying to sleep. Oh, you heard him. I'm sorry. I was reading some sad book. You heard him getting fucked while you were getting... A guy or a girl? Guy. A guy was fucking a guy?

They never paired two girls together. Or he's fucking a girl? A guy was... The feature was fucking a girl. One of the waitresses to be specific. Really? Were they allowed? Oh, I think so.

Were they allowed? I was like, yeah, I gave them my blessing. Enjoy, you guys. Go for it. Hey, did you guys like my new opener? Oh, never mind. Yeah, it was awful. Was it loud?

It was loud. i felt like it was his way of saying like i'm the headliner really that's hilarious you felt like that i did i mean that could have all women are so funny like even just a guy getting laid will be like a message i felt like he was sending me i couldn't imagine he was just trying to get laid that is the why would you assume that the thing that men want more than anything else in life is to get laid why would you assume that him getting laid would be anything other than him getting laid? I think male comics egos are bigger than their cocks for sure. For sure.

So I think it would be more like. This waitress, no one under any circumstances would have wanted to bang this girl. I think it would be more like, hey, I'm being loud because I want you to know that if you want to join us, you can. Could be a little of that. Second of all, you say that, but the guy was fucking her. And I'm sure he wasn't the first. No, she was not a virgin. Yeah, even though you would say a girl's not really pretty, just willing for a lot of guys is better than masturbation. That'll do it. That does the trick. We're pathetic. Pathetic creatures. I don't know. Oh, yeah. You don't understand. We're pathetic. Pathetic creatures. I don't know.

Oh, yeah. You don't understand what it's like to have a dick. I don't. I don't like dick. You know, talk to Chaz Bono because she's starting to make sense now. Give that lady a ring. They've been shooting her up with testosterone. She's totally making sense these days.

Yeah, she can like really talk about that shit now. Well, it's fascinating because she really has gone from both extremes or he now. Yeah. You know, I mean, talking about like what's what's annoying and and and then the the sexual urges that come on because of testosterone yeah men go blank they get sad they don't they don't know what's going on but i don't know like i've dated guys and i've been the one in a couple relationships where i was always initiating sex oh you know i feel like i feel super charged on my own yeah i don't have dick, so I'm not like it's not brushing up against stuff by accident.

I'm getting psyched. But but I don't know. I don't know. I feel driven by sex, too. You think you're driven by success like to get sex? No, no, no. I'm not driven by success. I feel like sexually driven like a lot of the time.

Right. What I was saying is that if a guy like is is getting laid, most likely that's he's just getting laid like Occam's razor. You would you know, but you would think that they were trying to send a message to you. I'm not that much of a narcissist. He's like saying, I'm the headliner. I think he was being loud. He was like very everything he did that weekend

was really annoying. Like he was trying to, he would like take his coffee on stage and do a lot of crowd work and just, and then you'd be like, stick around, you're going to enjoy Amy.

Like it was like so annoying that I don't know. I thought that was an extension of it. What is wrong with those things? Doing a lot of crowd work? Like when you're not the headliner? Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you said he was the headliner. No you're not the headliner? Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you said he was the headliner.

No, I was the headliner. Oh, I was confused. Because I thought you were saying by him being loud, it was his way of saying I'm the headliner. No, like he was saying like I should be headlining. Oh. I feel like he was like trying to alpha me all weekend. Total miscommunication. Yeah, no.

Yeah, oh, I would see that. I could totally see how like middle acts would have a real good part time. Yeah, no, I was there headlining and he he was all weekend trying to assert himself, like, in the green room, changing the channel and shit. And I was like, please. That totally makes sense. I was like, I don't have the energy. That totally makes sense.

I'm just like, you know, you're just, like, trying to feel good and be positive and whatever on the road, and then something else. So he would, like, try to put on the TV what he wanted to watch, like, when you were watching something else? Yeah, he'd be, like, on baseball game. I was just like oh oh really

yeah and I don't want to get into like yeah into like an ego battle yeah but I fucking will dudes don't like working for women

that's for sure no yeah and especially like egocentric I try to be sensitive to that shit though you know I just want to be

treated like you would treat. Right. But I definitely get treated differently expectation wise on the road. Like because I'm a girl they'll think there's some expectation like not necessarily that I'm gonna hook up with them but that I'm a girl

so they'll like come in the green room like this past weekend this guy was talking to me like just letting me know like hi I'm from here and I was like like would mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Like, would you do that to a tell? Would you come in the green room and try and, like, paint your picture and give me your bio? Like, how is he doing this? So you feel like when a guy does this, he does this like he doesn't, like, respect you as much as he would a male comic?

Like, I would like to be treated like a comic. Like you would treat the headlining comic while I'm on the road. Right. But they treat me like a girl. And guys are confused like how they usually are with chicks. That's how they treat me. But I think I should first be treated like the headliner that weekend. Just speaking to me like I'm working with you right rather than like throwing me any shit and you're not even trying to like dominate

them you just don't want them trying to dominate you you don't want them just getting weird with you yeah i just want them to treat me like normally and like they would treat any comedian because there's some comics that like won't even share a green room with with the the middle and the opening act like they'll it might get to that point just because of how much like bullshit we've had problems in the past with guys that we didn't know when we did that maxim comedy tour i remember we kicked that guy out in boston there was a guy just super douchey talking shit about everybody while they're on stage talking shit about me got really really drunk he was just a creepy asshole. And he was, you know, what we did, we had like an open,

I don't remember what town was it. I'm saying Boston, but it might not have been Boston. Seems like it would be. Yeah. It adds up. It might not have been, though. I don't remember. Because I don't remember the guy's name.

But it was one of those things where it was in each town they had a different opener. A local guy would come up. And most of them were fucking really good. segura was hilarious that's where i met tom he uh opened up in phoenix anyway this dude just got hammered and it was just and i said to brian i think i said to you i said this is the last time i'm gonna work with someone i don't know yeah it's not worth it you should just bring some gamble. Bring two friends. I'm not rolling like that. Yo. I can't pay for two people's hotel rooms.

But it's like, you know. The club, you know, you can work out deals with clubs. Yeah. You know, especially with, Amy Schumann, you need a goddamn podcast. That's what you need. Yeah, you do. That's what you need. This is the number one promotional tool for a stand-up comic because they're really going

to get to know you. Yeah. How else, besides this kind of format, how the fuck else does anybody get to totally get to know you how else besides this kind of format how the fuck else does anybody get to totally get to know you exactly um i just want i think i just want people to get to know me that i want to get to know me really but what about your stand-up my stand-up is becoming more and more me but it's just sort of an amplified version that whatever truth i want to get out there so no you're i mean that's not true you're right Like I do want to But you do TV shows And stuff right Yeah no I do And that's sort of To promote the comedy

As well right Yeah yeah yeah So but in terms of People really knowing Me and like my personal shit No they don't have to Know your personal shit Oh okay

You reveal what you want to reveal I know what you're talking about Like TMZ Yes I get what you're saying Weird National Enquirer Type shit Like get into your personal life Or if you're one of those

Weird people that offers up Every little single detail Yeah No I understand what you were saying yeah that that would make sense i i feel like really intimidated by the like all this technology shit here and like i don't even know how i would the first step of starting a podcast just talk to that guy yeah i don't want to ever see brian again oh i'm kidding. Are you living in New York City? Yeah. How often are you in L.A.? Almost never. Oh, really? You need to move to L.A.

Are you going to move out here? Check this out. 75 degrees. Look at this weather. 75 degrees. What's up? You can have space, a yard. You want a yard and dogs and puppies?

You know what? If I had a dude that I loved and we had a rabbit farm. I'm hearing Blue Bayou by Olivia Newton-John or Linda Ronstadt whatever that's what I'm hearing in the background while you're telling me that I don't know those songs but that sounds good you don't know Linda Ronstadt? no I don't know Blue Bayou beautiful song well yeah I just I would live here if I had like a fam go find Linda Ronstadt Blue Bayou for her because I want to hear this story.

I want to hear. You're going to belittle my dreams right now? No, I'm not going to belittle your dreams. I just want a little background music to your dreams. This is so cold-blooded. Do you have it, Brian? Yeah. Just hit it real quick.

And I want you to tell me. You're a horrible person. I want you to tell me what the right relationship would be that would make you want to. Brian, don't fuck with it, man. Stop. Brian, please don't fuck with my dreams right now. This is a beautiful voice. But it's a little sad.

It's so sad. I left my baby behind. Oh, I know this song. It's so sad. It's so sad. It's very sad. So tell me. I just want a guy who listens and has a huge rod. Knows when to tell me to shut the fuck up.

Yeah. And when to tell me that my mom's a cunt. So far, I like what you're saying. Can you get that camera out of my face? Are you insane? Brian, fuck. Oh, this is so sad. This is so sad.

Oh, my God. Wait, I thought it was like Blue Bayou. Blue Bayou, like a bayou. Oh, okay, okay, okay. I thought you were saying Blue Bayou. Yeah. I don't want to do this anymore. You don't want to do this anymore you want to do this anymore yeah it's dark it's dark what is the law what's the longest time you've ever stayed in los angeles

a couple months yeah yeah i like coming out here for a couple months like if i've i'm working on something but do you find that it's because your friends are all back east or all my friends moved here oh they did i don't have any friends In New York Really Get the fuck out of New York What's wrong with you Well I have like two friends But that's enough What is it that you love

So much about New York I don't Okay I think The pizza pies Is that what I sound like Brian really Yeah

Brian Why You don't fucking sound Anything like her You might be the worst Impressionist to ever Walk the face of the earth He's all psyched From Will's death oh brian yeah i'm telling you i'm the next frank caliendo

listen to my amy schumer it's fucking on point oh my god it's like hearing myself um i uh so what is it excuse me brian don't mock her Our wonderful and talented guest Just because she's clearly Clearly too much for you to handle At the beginning of the show She was making you a better person You've gone through a full relationship cycle And now you've become

The bitter guy At the end of every relationship That mocks his girlfriend As she's packing her shit I just don't get New York I'm sorry I just don't get You know that moment

That seems like Scary to me That moment in a relationship Where you're packing up and he's mocking you. You know, he's like saying like mocking shit. I haven't had that. I would flip the fuck out. Would you?

Yeah. Well, this is happening right now. This is that moment. You've got a full relationship cycle in the course of this show. Yeah. Brian's like, oh, okay, you're leaving? Okay. He's like, yeah, well, I just have a fucking problem with people like New York.

You know, it's all in the beginning. In the beginning. When he first met you, if you were like, I just have a fucking problem with people like New York. You know? It's all in the beginning. In the beginning, when he first met you, if you were like, I really love New York. I thought I was moving there. New York's pretty amazing. I'm always. Times Square, how do you fuck with that? Now he's like totally over me. He's like, fuck New York.

Whatever. Fuck you. Whatever. You guys have gone through a full relationship cycle. Brian, god damn it. Let the girl like New York, bro. I don't see why you're so creepy about that. Yeah, like, I like it there.

You know, because I feel like people in LA, a lot of them are playing at an identity. Whereas people in New York, like, if there's, like, an old, rich, mean Jewish chick on the Upper East Side, like, that's really who she is. Right. People here, like, buy an outfit and they're like, this is who I, like. Right. You know, not everybody. My best friends live out here, and they're not like that, but I don't know. I know what you're saying.

The vast majority of people that you encounter, the higher percentage of them are more fucked up out here. Yeah, and I'm like. They're delusional. Yeah, and I'm, like, angry going into any restaurant. Like, everyone's looking around, and everybody. It's just a totally different vibe. It's I don't think it's all of the people.

It's just like, you know, when I say about cops, like most cops are cool as fuck. The cops that I run into, most cops are good guys that are, you know, working a really tough job. But there's a certain percentage, whatever it is, one or two percent, 10 percent. You make the number up where they're just fucking cunts. They're just cunts. But they would be cunts if they were construction workers. They would be cunts if they worked at the grocery store. They're just shitty human beings.

But don't you think the percentage for LA is more? Yes. Well, it's because of the fact that this is a magnet for people that want showbiz fame. Yeah. That's what it is. I mean, you know how many people that come here with a, not a real dream, but like, oh, I wish, you know, and it's like they don't do anything about it. Right.

But they came here initially to become famous. You'll meet them at flower stores. You'll meet them in this weird people. That makes me sick. Like, I don't like those people. And I have like a weird, like what I want from this stuff is i'm confused by it because getting recognized and all that stuff is not i haven't experienced it as being fun i like i've gotten upgraded sometimes you know like there's perks but i like anonymity in new york no one gives a shit if you

are the most famous person i feel like you can ride around the subway and people generally leave you alone um i just because nobody gives a shit there i don't know i just like it more there so you think people give a shit there less than they give a shit here that's i do so that's what you want more people who just don't give a shit about being famous yeah or about seeing someone famous or and it's weird because it's like i want to reach as many people as i can like that's the goal but i don't like um like i don't like hey you're i don't right i see what you're saying but you're gonna get that anywhere you're gonna get that in new york city you're gonna get that anywhere it feels like you become i hear what you're saying well if you if you've lived there for a long time and

the one thing that i definitely got when i first came here i was gonna totally move back to new york after uh my first sitcom was canceled because i didn't like the vibe out here at all and i was it was my first time ever working with actors ever in my whole life. I did this really bad sitcom on Fox called Hardball was written by these two guys that were brilliant writers. They work for the Simpsons and married with children. But then Fox got a hold of their sitcom and just fucked it, just stuck cocks in it and just came all over his face.

Shut up. Fucked its eye sockets fucked its ears it just really just it was like when the the brilliant vision that they had yeah jeff martin and kevin kern were the guys uh the brilliant vision that they had became like a just this thing that had been fucked to death yeah covered in cum like a glazed donut sodomized i always tell everybody this is because no one can believe how bad it was these guys first of all the guys who originally wrote it were really funny they were really funny guys and the pilot was funny it could have been funny it could have been a decent show but when they gave it to some guy who used to work on um coach and he was like you know one of those and then I said this what you know those fucking robot shows

where it's like you could just program it into a computer yeah and it would be real easy to make that show and one of the lines was I was on a desk with this girl and I'm like we're about to have sex and the coach opens up the door and I go

do you mind? And he goes, yes, I mind. That's my daughter you're attempting to, that's my desk you're attempting to defile. Yeah, that's what he says. And I say, I'm not defiling the desk. I'm defiling her. That was actually a line. And they were like, approved.

That was like, yes like yes done moving on to the next line like that was we actually said that with the cameras on you know that's how bad the show had gotten it was it was death so i had i was ready to pack up but i fucked up and got a lease because i thought this sitcom was gonna go yeah so i had a lease for a year and i still had a department in new york but i was like what the the fuck am I going to do now? Do I just leave this spot out here? And then I wound up doing another sitcom afterwards. Yeah. But I was ready to go.

And my thing was just dealing with actors. It was just dealing with the... I like New York actors. They're so delusional. I really like New York actors. Well, all of them, though, I mean, I'm sure if you... It's like cops and everything else. Most actors, I mean, I'm sure if you it's like like cops and everything else. Most actors, I think, are fine.

But it might be like 30 percent of them that you just fucking can't communicate with. Yeah. But I've found that it was the same essentially in New York as it was in L.A. I just think there's a breed out here. Well, they're hitting the hive. The way girls dress for auditions is different. Like, I always look like shit. I look like newly homeless.

I walk in the room they like are looking at me like is she here to park cars and they're all like perfectly flawless they dress cool and i get to be like non-threatening girl they all talk to in the waiting room uh but in new york it's like i look like the other non-threatening girl that they all talk to in the way well like do you know where the everyone asks me questions like do you know where the bathroom is? I think they think I'm working there. The level of like kept beauty up here is very, very high. Like when you go to nice places and you see girls and they'll have perfect toes and expensive shoes and expensive bags.

Yeah, they look famous. Beautiful clothes. There's like a glow around them. Yeah. There's a lot of girls in LA that are hot as fuck that look like that. Yeah. Like that. And that's one of the things about the commodity of like, you know, if you're all you're selling

is what you look like. Good fucking luck. Good luck out here. Yeah. Because that's worth a nickel. And we age. Yeah. Yeah.

You got 10 years. Ready? The clock is ticking, sweetheart. You better meet that guy. That's why it's the darkest moments. Have you frozen your eggs yet? Huh? Have you frozen your eggs yet?

Yeah. My eggs are frozen. All of them. Not all of them. You got to save a few. Really frozen your eggs yet? Yeah, my eggs are frozen. All of them. Not all of them. You've got to save a few. Really? For live rounds. Oh, it's too late.

I'll thaw them out. The idea is that in case you wait too long and then your box is dry. Yeah. This way you'll have a few. You can't just lube up your eggs? No, there's no eggs left. They all fall out. Oh, they fall out of your body.

So you've got to suck them out early and freeze them. Suck out the... Hold on, let me write this down, you guys. Reproductive advice from Joe and Bride. Technical terms. Like, suck out those eggs. Do you know girls out here actually store their body fat also

to be used later as injections in their face? Does that look good? No! No! Why doesn't everybody stop doing that? It's not, don't do anything with your lips ever.

Yeah. It's unfortunate that someone tricked girls into fucking with their lips the same way they did with their tits because the tits worked because guys really don't care. Yeah. When a guy, when a girl has fake tits, even though we know that there's like a bag of water under the skin that's making them pop out like that. We're so fucking stupid that any, any movement and change in the direction of your t yeah i like this shape better it's like a

egyptian hieroglyph thing it's like for whatever it is it's the shape of the woman's body even though you know it's horse shit but that is out the door with the lips when it comes to the lips though we don't like that you can't apply the same principles to tits as you can to lips and that's what they try to do they tried to make the lips crazy and puffed up thinking everybody's just gonna go with it the way they go with tits but they didn't they went whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa this is lips you can't do lips the way you do tits you can do tits all crazy and outrageous and guys like what's up ladies how you doing but you get all fish face on dudes and they get creeped out right there's something about the lips. Yeah.

I saw a chick at the gym the other day. She was blow drying her hair. She was like, not elderly, but she was getting up there and she clearly had implants and they were, they had just like the,

you know, the elasticity of her skin wasn't holding up. So the implants had kind of fallen. So her nipples were up top and her, I was, like rocks in a sock.

I was just, I couldn't stop looking. I was just in a sock i was just i could i couldn't stop looking i was just like and she was just blow drying her hair like naked like oh check it out maybe it was her way of warning maybe maybe it's the girls who just like to take on rugged lesbians and it's like a like a fad and the only way to find them is just gotta let those rocks hang out in the bathroom yeah just a girl just looks like she's had a hard life and she's's fucking, you know, I mean, that's like a, there's fetishes. People are into weird shit. That's true. Maybe there's some lesbians that are only into running into girls that have had hard lives.

And so they're like, you know, their tits are all hanging out, fucked up, scars and shit. And they look at you like, what's up? And the next thing you know, you're eating box in the handicap stall. You're eating somebody's pussy with no arms? Okay. It's not no arms, but like horrible implants. Like rock implants. I just, I don't know.

I wouldn't want anything fake on anybody. It is a weird thing that that not just became accepted, but fucking shot up. Yeah. But I've seen girls that have got them like they had babies and then their boobies got all dehydrated. You know, they like became pancake boobies. And then they got their breast implants and they felt better. Okay.

Yeah. I mean, whatever. It's no judgment. It's just like. It does make it look better. I know. It's stupid. It doesn't seem like it should make sense, but it totally works.

It's a trick. It's like the dumbest magic trick of all time. It's a mirage. Ready? What's under my shirt? Who knows? I know what's under there. It's a bag of water, you asshole. It's a mirage. Ready? What's under my shirt? Who knows? I know what's under there. It's a bag of water,

you asshole. It's a bag of water. But meanwhile, I'm like, oh, I look like big real titties. Because big real titties to a man,

just that, the shape of it that is on a mud flap, you know, gets our testicles to tingle. Yeah. It doesn't have to be actually real.

It's like a symbol. It's so, it's so iconic in the man's mind. This is how, this is the man's mind. This isn't just to be actually real. It's like a symbol. It's so iconic in the man's mind. This is the man's mind. This isn't just your mind? No. Like from talking to people, like guys feel like this?

By the way, first of all, there's no way I could know if it's in everybody's mind. But it sounds like you talk to other people about it. It seems like guys are. Well, I think that's why fake tits work. That's why, I mean, that shape, the hourglass shape of a woman. There's a reason why that is like an that shape, the hourglass shape of a woman, there's a reason why that is like an iconic shape, the hourglass shape. Whereas like for a man, I mean, women like guys with nice bodies, but there's no like shape that you could like put up

that represents a man's body to a woman. I think every woman really has a different taste in men's bodies, but I think for dudes, it's pretty much all. It's that classic hourglass, big tits shape that's on the back. Some guys like waifs though those guys are broken they're broken they have they have broken balls or one of them doesn't work right well of course i want to i want to hear that of course like the chick that was that's on sports illustrated like i love her body and uh like kate upton kate upton is a hero on our

message board i'm psyched but she has a body She's hot as fuck Whenever there's a thread on the message board For one of our podcasts If the podcast goes astray And the subject of the podcast becomes something That they're not interested in at all They just start posting Kate Upton pictures That's smart

It's all Kate Upton It's hilarious That's really funny It's really funny So if a guest says something stupid Or they don't want to listen to them anymore it just becomes a kate upton photo festival shit well now it's hot as fuck she is and she has like a you know she's not like she's got to me boy yeah she's

got meat i don't like skinny girls i mean i like them i'm we can be friends but i'm saying you know i i don't find that attractive right but everybody's different some chicks like black guys right right a lot like black guys. A lot of black guys like fat white girls. A lot of white guys like Chinese girls. Everybody's allowed to like your waifs. I saw something today that reminded me of one thing I definitely don't like.

That's flat asses. Flat man asses. I saw somebody stalking something at a store that I was at. And I was like, I just sat there and saw her butt. You were like a linens and things. Wait a minute. Did you see someone who was on their balcony who was naked who paparazzi took photographs of?

No. Okay, because that's Ariane from the UFC. Paparazzi took photographs of her. Oh, really? Yeah, they were on her balcony. She was on her balcony naked. And they were like, you You know From a long way away With a high powered lens

Right And they took pictures Of her naked And put them all over the internet Are you serious That sucks Yeah What made you

What's wrong Why how did that come up Because some guys Were saying that she had Oh Her buttocks were less than impressive Wow She's a beautiful girl

But you know Look Guys have to realize There's a big difference Between what a girl's ass Normally looks like And a girl's ass normally looks like and a girl's ass looks like

when she's posing for photos. Right. When chicks are just walking around like dudes, like naked, they don't even know that people are watching. You know, they don't... I don't know.

I think your ass is your ass. Her ass is fine. This was actually... Imagine a 12-year-old boy's ass. Who is this? Talk slower. Talk slower. This person that was

stalking something at the store was that and her i just had to sit there okay what store you get this person listen to what you just said this person that was stalking something at the store what do you what are you saying uh her i thought it was a young boy stalking it that's how and that's why you looked at her ass so i sat there and just kept on staring at there. There was no ass at all. You know, you've seen flat asses. Who were you talking about? Just a woman?

Random woman? Man, she's just like trying to bring you your latte. I know. Who is this? Who are you talking about? This chick at Starbucks. No, he's talking about someone who's in the audience. Someone who's buying something at Starbucks.

No. Oh, no. I'm talking about an employee stalking something. An employee. Yeah. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, Jesus, Brian. I've said it four times.

No, you said stalking. I no you said stalking i thought you said stalking you knew what i meant i didn't know you meant stalking items like on a shelf yeah i'm like what is he talking about the employee was stalking someone what the fuck and you're watching him stalk them and they have a flat ass like what kind of crazy conversation is there no excuse that was it was like one of those spanish things where things where you say the wrong word and they want to shoot you. No, no bueno. Does that happen a lot? No.

But if you know what I'm saying, you think you know the language, but you use the word incorrectly. Oh, yes, yes. And you're fucked. This led to one of those fucking... Yeah, that was like Abbey and Costello right there. Yeah, it was. It was. Who's on first?

Who's on first? You got to stop going to Starbucks for your ass life. So this person has a small ass. Yeah, it was not only was it flat, it was like one of those indented asses, but it was so small. You're mad at this chick's ass. Well, that right there,

I don't know if I could date her because to me it looks like a deformation. Like I see her and I'm like, you're deformed. This would hurt me less if I haven't seen your ass. But I've seen your ass. Oh, my ass.

Oh yeah, my ass is horrible. Everyone's a critic no matter what their ass looks like his ass is horrific there's no way he should be talking about anybody's ass ever maybe that's why he's so upset because it's something that he sees in himself yeah it's something that he sees in himself it's like a mirror it's like man in the mirror Michael Jackson

I'm looking at the mirror that's it that is what it is Brian you just we learned a lot about ourselves today We're getting somewhere Actually I've been told by Many of my ex-girlfriends Amy Schumer

Move here and do our podcast On a permanent basis Please Yeah you should You can live here You can live in this studio We can make you famous For real

Okay You're a monster You're hilarious Thank you I'm gonna move here you guys You were throwing it out You were throwing it out As a hypothetical

I'm gonna show up tomorrow With my bags Dude that's fine I'm not throwing it out As a hypothetical I'm totally serious move here, you guys. You were throwing it out as a hypothetical. I'm going to show up tomorrow with my bag. Dude, that's fine. I'm not throwing it out as a hypothetical. I'm totally serious. We'll have you on every week. You got a couch. You got a bathroom for number one.

Do you think that they'll let me do guest spots at the Ice House? Every day. I think, you know what? Every radio show that's ever existed, they always try to stick a woman on the show. They go, oh, we need to balance it out. We're going to balance it out. And men resist. Like Opie and Anthony call them holes. Yeah, I love those guys. Radio we need to balance it out. We're going to balance it out. Yeah. And men resist. Like Opie and Anthony

call them holes. Yeah. I love those guys. Like a radio hole. Those guys are awesome. They're the best. They're right. They're right.

But you are different. Thank you. You actually would bring a funny female perspective to a podcast. Thanks a lot. You should totally be doing one. Thank you.

You're welcome. I know what you mean though. It's like they're like, okay, let's find the least unbearable girl and hope she knows when to not talk. Well, it's usually she's hot and, you know, she's sassy.

You know, she can hang with the guys. Yeah. And we can call it your stepmom's house. Is that like an inside joke? Yeah. Tom Segura and his wife, Christina Krasinski, they have one called your mom's house. Oh, okay. It's a joke.

Oh, fam. It's totally a joke. Yeah. Guys Guys include me In all jokes from now on So sorry So sorry Okay alright I'm gonna move out here

Alright I'm moving out here you guys You are? Yeah Yes That's all it took That's all it took Listen

You don't wanna be in the snow Fuck all that cold weather And shit You can always visit I have no friends Medical marijuana Oh that's right Medical marijuana.

And you can have your own podcast show. Have I, what? Have you been to the stores yet? I've never been into the store. Okay, we're going to take you right after we leave here. We're going to take you right into a medical marijuana store. Really? Yes.

I'd love to. Yes, that's what we're going to do. As soon as we leave here, we're going to take you right to. I like this pot, by the way. Dude, this is, we know the guy who makes this. Really? You don't even have to worry about terrorism. We know the guy who actually grows this.

You can't say, maybe my weed is supporting Mexican gangs. Maybe my weed is supporting terrorism. Let's smoke it, dude. We don't have to worry about this weed, because this weed is 100% not created by bad people. Good. Oh, look. Thank you. You guys are such good hosts.

You're welcome. Am I supposed to do it off camera? I'll put it on my face. If you do it on camera, though, it's really bad for your career. Thank you. What was it? Amy Schumer, do you want to join the death squad? That sounds good.

All right, so your stepmom's house is going to be you and Natasha Leggero. No, I'm just kidding. That's another inside joke. Our friend Duncan used to date Natasha Leggero. I know. I just heard. I love her. I don't know Duncan.

You love him more, though? I don't know Duncan. Like, what's up? I don't know Duncan. Like, what's up? You know what I'm saying? He's a free man. I don't know him, but if he could pay my bills, I don't.

I bet he could help you. You know, he could help you a little. Can he get me a hat? Because I'm willing. He could help you get a hat. I'm willing. I just heard can help you. He can help you a little. Can he get me a hat? He can help you get a hat. I'm willing. I just heard Natasha on Adam Carolla.

It was really funny. She's very funny and I'm glad that Duncan and her are cool with each other. Yeah, they're going to be friends. Don't feel like you have to pick team Duncan or team Natasha. Being friends right away.

They're going to be friends right away. Totally amicable. I think it's great to not Because they're both adults you fucking child. Very intelligent. No, but if you still have feelings for somebody the problem is you want to fuck them again yeah you want to fuck them again so just don't see them especially when you haven't seen them in a while yeah because the problem god damn it yeah you know what the human

body is a strange fucking thing you know when you when you had moments with someone and then all of a sudden you're in front of them again, and especially when no one's around, you know, if you like, you know, you just for whatever strange reason just run into them somewhere and all of a sudden you're standing face to face and you want to give them a hug. And so then you do. And then you got to think, now what's up? We broke up for a reason.

But the chemicals in your body are like, put something in your body. Get in there. Get in there. Get in there. Remember when we used to fuck her? Something better enter you. Yeah, your penis starts going, we used to fuck her, right? Hey, we could do it again. Hey, I remember this.

Hey, it was fun, right? I thought it was fun, too. I know this smell. Brian Cowan. Yeah, and then if you just keep doing that over and over again, you'll never get out of relationships. Yeah, so my thing is don't talk, don't be at the same place. I've had buddies that would break up with the same girl six, seven times because they will

always get together and fucking. The fucking is so good. And they just. Because it feels like home and you're like happy to not be fucking a stranger on the road. Yes. Happy to not be fucking a stranger. And then on top of it, it's, well, it's not even that.

It's this weird thing that happens when you break up and then you make up. Like the makeup is like, it's really intense. It's so exciting. Yeah. Especially if you're convinced that you're never going to make up. Like if you've insulted each other or said crazy shit to each other you know and then people get in like patterns like and you can recognize those patterns when you start dating someone because they'll try to pull that shit on you you know they'll like insult you and they'll say something creepy to you and you're like whoa what the fuck is this it came out of nowhere what

came out of nowhere because that's just how they rock it like every relay every relationship they get in it's like starts off real good get real close to each other and then get fucking nasty with each other and then recover and then recover i only had one relationship where we got nasty to each other since then it's been like pretty smooth sailing in and out that is the worst there's no darker feeling than someone who you used to like tell i love you and used to make out with them and you see you know you have sex smooth sailing in and out that is the worst there's no darker feeling than someone who you used to like tell i love you and used to make out with them and used to you know you have sex with them and then all of a sudden you're like yelling at each other in angry words and they're saying insulting shit to you you can't take back you're like whoa i only had one like that it's been okay

since then i don't i refuse to participate in. No. I haven't had a relationship like that since I was in my 20s. And when the last one that did happen, I clearly remember saying, alright, this is never going to happen again. I can never allow myself to get in this sort of a situation where every time I'm around this person, there's some sort of

argument or debate. It brings out the worst in you. Or jockeying for position. There's a weird jockeying of power sometimes that goes on in some combinations of relationships, you know. It's like maybe your confidence triggers the weirdest parts of some guy. You know, have you ever had that happen where, like, the guy is probably pretty cool with a lot of people, but then he gets around.

Only once. I got to think, like, you being a comic and being smart and quick like those two that's that must be like issues with some dudes um guys who aren't comics have you do you date guys who aren't comics i've only dated one comic really yeah i've too fucked up huh comics are too fucked up no i i was saying to brian like i i don't make statements like that like i'd love to think, I'll never date a comic again. I don't know. I don't know. It's like it's nice to be with somebody who speaks your language. That does help. But do you

want to date someone as fucked up as you, really? I don't think I've met somebody as fucked up as you. It seems like you always have to follow you fuck with somebody you work with, you're going to pay in the end. Comics, comedy clubs, it's like working out of place. And it's like you're gonna pay in the end yeah with comics comedy clubs is like working out of place yeah you're doing your you know you're on stage doing your shit and you're like kind of

doing your not persona but whatever like the shit you do on stage and then but then like seeing somebody that makes you so vulnerable and you can't you can't like you know in good conscience keep up that facade when you're like you know you just want to go home and cry damn sucks i've only dated one like abusive crazy crazy asshole and yeah i really i was like i'll never do this again i never did but we brought out the was it your first black guy i'm yet to i'm yet to go to the dark side that's my new year's resolution though i feel like that i i hope that i fuck a black guy this year wow I just make that happen no I know

I know a professional a professional but it's just like I don't know I feel racist that I've never been with a black guy like why haven't I

I asked my therapist I'm like does that make me a racist and she's like no but I think she was just trying to make me feel there's this guy that Joe wants you

to hook you up his name is Rampage he's a really nice guy sounds great that's my favorite video game he wears a chain while you fuck but you could probably wear a chest protector and you'd be fine for most that's what i want i want like a brother like i want to feel his ankle bracelet when we're fucking we need like a ton of lube but just for his elbows no i'm

kidding i don't want no i'm kidding coconut lotion i don't think i think it's his elbows i think it's just went dark girl you took a chance you went down weirdo lane. I went down racist lane. I'm not a... No, I don't... I really did make that as my New Year's resolution, but I don't know if it's going to happen. Yeah, I know people that are comics and only date comics and it never works out. It's just like not a good idea.

It's like high school. You're at the same shows every night. Well, not only that, I think it's better in life, in my opinion, to experience things from... When you're close with someone, whether they're friends I think it's better in life, in my opinion, to experience things from when you're close to someone, whether they're friends or whether they're, you know, co-workers or whatever. When you're really close to someone, you're experiencing life when you communicate

with them through a different perspective. You know, a completely different perspective. So if you're dating someone that has like a completely different set of interests and a completely different set of desires, like someone who sees life from, you you know a totally different viewpoint than a performer yeah like you're gonna get your you'll it'll i think it like it will broaden your perspective oh you do i think you'll give i think it'll give you more perspective when you date people that

are outside of your line of show business or even any line of work i would think if you're you know you're limited appealing yeah if you're like a ceo and you're only date ceo chicks and you get together and have some ceo sex yeah you know what kind of about ceo shit creepy little line are you staying on there yeah you know yeah it started to feel very incestuous like yeah just talking about like oh did you hear what colin quinn said tonight like right after we One time we fucked to Dice's Before the laughter died Like by accident

And I was just like This is too close to home Like when does the work stop And the So No but right now what I'm dealing with is Which is one of the greatest comedy CDs of all time It's fucking unbelievable

We couldn't help but fuck We were so psyched Folks who don't know If you don't know this CD When Dice Clay was at, Dice Clay, by the way, wants to do the podcast. And I got his number and went to call him. He doesn't have a cell phone and he doesn't have a voicemail at home.

He just has a phone. And if you call him, you either get me or you get me. Oh! Is that his machine? No. No, he doesn't. He doesn't have an answering machine. Oh, God.

Damn. If he doesn't answer the phone, that's it. You're not talking to him. That's so funny. I love it. I love it. That's awesome. And when he was huge, when he was at the top of the heap, he put out a CD, a two CD recording.

A double album. A double album of him bombing. Yes. Walking the whole room. Yeah. He went to Dangerfields completely unannounced. And you got to understand, folks, when this was happening, when Dice put this CD out, Dice was filling coliseums. Dice Clay was the biggest, most explosive stand-up comedian of all time.

I always say that. There's no guy who had more success. And he doesn't get a lot of credit because it was really juvenile. For whatever reason, for some people, it's not good. I'll tell you what i fucking love dice clay especially when i was a kid yeah when i was with my girlfriend when i was when we were like 19 18 19 and we're listening to a cassette of andrew dice clay we were fucking howling laughing way before i ever thought i would ever do stand-up comedy but i remember thinking this guy is fucking hilarious he just was going for every single fucking thing just going for it just beyond committing yeah he's a he's a fucking

genius and Norton security guy Kenny you know yeah sure used to be Dice's right guy and the stories that he tells oh I'm sure just make you love Dice even more he's fucking crazy so this is what he does he's the he's on top of the world he goes to danger fields just shows up and he does an album of him with no material at all he just went up and just talked shit for like two hours ruined every audience member oh my god attacked people i think maybe there were like four people left at the end it was don't know for sure. It was so crazy. It was a complete CD of non-comedy. And he sold it. And there were still some funny moments.

There was a guy named Mike Donovan who was like a Boston legend. And when I was coming up, he was one of the guys that I really admired. And he was crying, laughing, recounting Dice doing Nixon while he was eating a girl's ass. He's like, he's saying i'll do nixon in that ass he was doing like his nixon impression and mike donovan was crying tears tears in the back room of the comedy connection crying tears recounting it talking about how great that cd is especially for a comic for any up-and-coming comic, man, you must get The Day the Laughter Died.

You must get that. Because at first you start and you want the crowd to like you. And then you get a healthy hatred of the crowd. And then an indifference creeps in. That's where I am now. Just total indifference. It's like Ug guys and girls ugly guys and girls have this thing where they love the girl but the girl doesn't love them back so every time they see an ugly a pretty girl they have this feeling of pain inside of them that

that connection with rejection so it's not that the crowd is terrible it's just in the beginning we're all terrible so we grow to hate the crowd because so many times they've punished us for the truth yeah okay for the truth and then we love them but it's not satisfying

enough well we have to get good enough to be better than them yeah and to sort of guide them along right

and then they're listening guide them along into my comedy journey oh god no I think no I honestly believe that there's a lot of comics

that develop this sort of hate for their audience, and it's really strange. And I think the only thing that makes sense is they connect it with bad feelings. They connect their audience with whatever, some reflection of how they've put out their own energy and their own personality and how people respond to that,

and then their own material. If they've had bad sets, if they've had bad sets or if they've had bad things happen in the crowd and they associate that bad feeling with everyone who comes to see them. And so they develop... I've met a lot of old guys that have been in the business for a long time.

That stayed with that experience. I don't give a fuck what these people want. I'm going to feed them what I do. They like it or they don't like it and the show's over. All right, folks, get the fuck out of here. Right. And they really do develop

that sort of defense mechanism. Yeah. I try to be exactly the opposite. I try to, I, by now I have like, when I do shows, people come out that know me.

Like it's their, it's my crowd. So when it's my crowd, it's like, it's way easier. It's just like, you know, we're just going to have fun,

you know? Right. I feel like very open when I go out there and like, just like when I meet someone, to have fun, you know? Right. I feel like very open when I go out there. And like, just like when I meet someone, like in life, I give them the benefit of the doubt. Right. And I'm into it. But I feel like I don't need anything from them right now where I am.

I'm not like, please laugh or please like me. And I'm not like, I don't know. I don't feel scared at all. As an intelligent person, when you're involved in this sort of a bizarre line of work, there's a self-analysis that comes along with creating new material and a lot of times you start looking at this weird relationship that you have to this strange group of people. Like I'm seeking their approval and I'm doing this and I'm changing who I am, you know? And there's a weird like, there's a weird thing that goes back and forth

when you're an intelligent person and you're analyzing anything where you're sort of insisting on the approval of mass amounts of people. Which is what your comedy is. Totally. Even more so than,

like, music. Yeah, but, like, okay, but before you were saying about being a chick and that it might limit the subject matter

you can talk about. I did want to say limit. What I said is makes it more difficult. I think I'm more impressed when a chick can skirt the issues of sex or politics or, or any, any position of authority or, or, or somebody makes sense.

Yeah. Cause guys don't want to hear a girl make sense that they haven't figured out. Okay. Well, that's like what I, that makes total sense. But that's what I feel like I've been doing

like on stage about sex stuff. Talking about the, like the female experience and not for the sake of shock and not for the sake of making anybody uncomfortable or, you know,

trying to belittle or alienate the dudes. It's not like that. I, and I think that I've found a way to like make it acceptable for people to digest. I bet you have, you're smart. You can do it.

It's, it's not impossible, but it's, it's more difficult. But, but in that way, what I'm, my reason for saying that is like,

so I'm paying attention to the experience that the audience is having. Like I, if they're not laughing and not with me, I'm not going to be like, well, I don't care. This is the path I'm on. I'm fed by that and i react to it but i just don't feel like like uh you know i just i don't know where i used to if a joke didn't work i would sort of

just tap dance to the next one and be like maybe this will and that just you know that i think just from bombing so hard so many times the fear leaves you because you've lived out all your fears on stage yeah yeah yeah the moments of deep bombing right now people are like Kate Upton but it's true

the bombing moments are clarity moments yeah but I think that that's where people develop the bad relationship with the audience yeah

I think that's it's like a guy an ugly dude with pretty girls just so used to getting rejected that you'll fuck these bitches yeah look at all these lesbians you didn't even like my dick what's up let's go to a strip club yeah i think that's it it's a natural thing for people i loved your uh one of the videos where you were how you dealt with that a female heckler um you uh you were like i'm not you just like really explained the truth to her like i'm

not i think you're like i'm not your boyfriend or like i'm not trying to fuck you like you i'm not gonna act like what you're saying is interesting not not that that's those were your words but i learned but i learned from that i was like oh like the absolute truth is like the funniest shit yeah like you you didn't like insult her whatever you were just like here's the situation yeah i didn't have to i was like you're not fascinating to me yeah like there's i'm not gonna pretend like you're interesting like the guys that want to bang you yeah like just shut up we had a woman in vegas a couple of weeks ago that was in vegas too the one i think you're thinking of which vegas they just go the deepest because they're usually on meth or ecstasy or something yeah advil they're on flying they're

who knows what the fuck they're doing in vegas but there's a girl last time we're there she stood up for like 10 minutes for 10 minutes she was like standing up in the audience while i destroyed her what was her goal i'm totally exaggerating on the 10 minutes so by the way two minutes and she was just going to the bathroom but now she back. But no, she was standing up for a long time screaming and yelling at me. She was just crazy. She was just pretty

and you know, and she just thought for whatever reason she just could be running this room. I think they're just confused. She's seen Coyote Ugly too many times.

She thought she could just stand up and start a revolution. She starts flare bar attending in the audience. She's like, but what about somebody playing

The Devil Went Down to Detroit? Yeah, do a little bit of this in the audience. Play Cotton Eye Joe and start the river dancing. You're like, that's not,

that's not why I'm here. For whatever reason, she just really, really wanted to be the center of attention. So she just caused this massive commotion. I now like talk to them

like I talk, like I would talk to a toddler. I'll be like, do you feel like you need attention right now? Yes, that's important. Like do you need it to be from me

or maybe the people you're with at your table could maybe What led you to this deficit? Can you check it? To this deficit? Instead of looking at this

one thing of behavior what is the catalyst? What started this off? Was it childhood molestation? Yeah, let's talk about your dad. Someone leave you somewhere and never come and get you what can we do right now you're raised by dogs or i'll just like i'll move the mic and i'll just say like don't talk to me anymore okay and i just go back it's like because i think the way that it is a struggle also for me

is i go on stage i look like very amish uh like i look not threatening and i i think people react even no matter what age they are like i'm a substitute teacher like oh we're gonna here we go mrs crandall's not here like america i look like an american doll you look like you'd be selling pie like apple pie you'd have like the best tasting apple pie of all time yeah step right up if i looked at her and i said that bitch has probably got some awesome apple pie. And then I go up and I'm like, my pussy is this. And they're like, what?

But so they think it's like, you know, step teacher. So I have to sort of assert my authority right away and be like, this is how this house is going to go. You know? Guys must think that's hot though. I mean, I bet. I don't know.

I think. I would imagine that the guys would be very scared of it. I don't know. Which one is it? I don't get hit on very often. Or if I get hit on, it'll be a guy coming up after the show who will listen to my stuff. And I do a lot of stuff about being easy. So I've had a guy come up and they just assume that they're going home with me.

Really? I've had a guy come up and be like, hey,'m a marine and like i drove two hours to get here so and they come by themselves yeah and i got duct tape and a knife i'm like okay like thank you for i like signed the cd and i'm like okay thanks and he's like whoa where are we going and i'm like oh no like you're a stranger like where are we going yeah or but no like, oh no, like you're a stranger. Where are we going? Yeah, or, but no,

and chicks, chicks just as much as guys are handsy with me and are like, let's go somewhere. Where's the next location for us? Really? Jesus Christ. Do they want to party with you

or do they want to have sex with you? What's going on with these chicks? I hope both. Yeah. I can only hope both. That's what I was hoping you would say. The girls want to hang out, but they're all like,

and if it's like a couple, they'll be like, don't hug Amy, I want it. You know, and they're like, the girls want to hang out but they're all like and if it's like a couple they'll be like don't hog Amy I want it you know and they're like the girls are handsy because you know they feel like

I'm sure everybody feels like they're your friend they know you they want you to like them and they want you to know that they get it oh they get it Brian yeah

they get it that's so funny so yeah so a guy yeah definitely I have to like i did the show at foxwoods and this guy was like can i can i can i take a picture where i'm pretending like i'm um gonna grab your boobs and i was like whoa and i was like no um but let's take a normal picture

and he wrote on facebook he was like that cunt she wouldn't let me and i wrote back to him and i was like like that's the only time i ever have or ever will write back to anyone who writes something rude to me uh i like i like block i like the block button on twitter i'm block happy but uh that guy i was like why did you feel like that was okay like i i said let's take another picture and he was like i just thought you'd be like lampanelli would have done it and be like, Lampanelli would have done it. And I'm just like, Lampanelli would have done it. I'm on the road by myself usually. I want some inbred fucking weirdo to be like, oops, sorry, I grabbed them by accident.

Pretending to grab your tits. How fucking crazy is that? It's weird. I'm just like, no. I don't want that out in the ether. And you probably would grab them just for a joke. Yeah. I grabbed them.

People have just picked me up for a picture. I had a guy ask me if he could pick me up. I want to feel safe. He goes, can I carry you? I go, what? What did you want to do? He goes, can I carry you in the picture? Get the fuck out of here, man.

I go, why would you want to carry me? That's so weird. Oh, it's so weird. It was a big guy, too. It was like, hey. You're like, it's like, you have to carry me? That's so weird. Oh, it's so weird. It was a big guy, too. It was like, hey. You're like, it's like, no. You're going to have to fight for that position, son. Let's come up with something else.

If you ever get to the point where you're actually carrying me, we're going to have to, we're fighting. You crazy asshole. Fuck. Trying to pick me up. People have no boundaries. Pulled me in the air. And then what? Next thing you know.

It's never enough. It's never enough. It's always another. The average person Would never ask If they could pick you up And carry you Like I would never ask

I'm all Don't you feel like If it's an artist That you like love Just meet someone First time you've ever met them Even though you know That they're a person

That you've seen on television Or on a band Or whatever You have just met them You crazy asshole Yeah You have had exactly Three seconds of FaceTime

This woman This woman, this woman, I don't care who you. In Sacramento, this chick got thrown out of a show because she was talking and drunk and loud and she got up

at the punchline and she was like, Amy, are you going to let them do this to me? And I was like, I don't know, you're a stranger, bitch.

She thought I was going to be like, no, Barbara, or whatever. I was like, yeah, get her out of here. Crazy drunk assholes. Shit, you're going to let them trade no, Barbara or whatever. I was like, yeah, get her out of here. Crazy drunk assholes. Shit, you're going to let them. I always wonder, too, when people go off in the audience occasionally, I always wonder, what are they on?

In this day and age, I always wonder about what kind of weird prescription shit are they on and drinking at the same time. Because some people, there's just a complete disconnect from reality right the absolute utter disconnect from reality it'll be like they're not trying to be mean they're trying to like they think they're helping you and they'll even tell you afterwards i helped you i helped that show we were great right that was good we were playing off each other right no uh i had a guy at the punchline atlanta Year's. He was yelling, and he was like, I said something like, I'm not a lesbian. I mean, I've caught a finger, but I'm not. And he's like, yes, you are.

You'll fuck anybody. And I don't think he was trying to lash out. I think he was trying to be like, I know you're whatever. Right. But then everybody's like, ooh, and they put the lights on. And it's like they wanted me to trash this guy. Right. But then everybody's like, ooh, and they put the lights on. And it's like they wanted me to like trash this guy. Right. And so I did.

No, but I mean, but you know, it's just like. They put the lights on him? They put the lights on in the crowd. So that you could see him better? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, wow. Did you ask them to do that?

I don't think so. They put the video online. It's not good. He was just really fat. Wait a minute. Why did they do that? That's their solution? Was to turn the lights on? Like here, you can see him now. He's not good. He was just really fat. Wait a minute. Why did they do that? That's their solution? Was to turn the lights on?

Like here, you can see him now. He's a victim. You can go after him. And I don't want to do that. I want to do like my jokes that I'm working on. Right. I'd rather not have the interaction at all. Yeah.

That is a problem. You know, especially when it becomes really funny too. Then the crowd thinks it's a really good thing that it happened. Then someone else will. And that's their favorite part. Yeah. They enjoy it. I like when you trash that fucking idiot.

So I could see how the club would be like, oh, this would be fun. Yeah. But there's other clubs that won't even allow it to get to that part. I love those clubs. Like Gotham. Gotham polices that shit. They don't fuck around.

Nope. That place is awesome. They're all ex-cops running that place. They're all fucking savages. I've had to tell them to leave guys alone. They're waiting to pounce. Those guys are professional New York police

officers. We'll have a signal. They're animals. They don't fuck around. They're waiting to hurt someone. Those guys are beautiful. It's a beautiful club. The fucking place is perfect. It's perfection. Are you about to go there? I love Gotham. That's where I started.

What the hell am I doing in New York? Yeah. I'm not doing that, Brian. What am I doing? A Manhattan theater. The Manhattan theater? Yeah. That's what it is?

Yeah. Ooh, fancy pants. Getting all fancy on it. Very nice. Getting all fancy on the bitch. A theater. You know what's up? Oh, shit, boy.

Moving on up. Oh, shit. Well, I love doing clubs just as much. Really? But, yeah, I think more sometimes even. It's good to do both, right? It's when you can't do five shows or you can't do, like, a whole weekend, you know, like Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. When I can't do that, I have to do, like, a theater.

Yeah. I don't want, you know, I get bummed out if I can only do, like, one show in a town that's only, like, 200 seats or something like that. Yeah. But those are the best shows, right? Don't you think?'t you think like a 200 for me because then i might fill it you'll listen i'm telling you if you had a podcast you'd be packing clubs everywhere i've heard you stand up you're fucking hilarious you're just as hilarious doing stand-up as you are at roast thank you you'd be killing them oh my god a podcast yeah i'm telling you kid stepmom this is my podcast i wouldn't know the first thing to say i'd be like just start talking start talking shit or come on

out you could be the hole on our show i'd love to be your we could introduce you ryan you could totally be my amy schumer aka the death squad hole don't say it if you don't mean it is this the valent Valentine's Day edition? Yes. This is so beautiful. Oh, it's only beautiful because you're here. Thank you. You bounce so well.

There's a fake butthole on that table, by the way. Where? Right in front of you, Amy. There's a little brown thing. Oh, that's a cat. That looks like a tater tot. No, a little rubber thing right there. Oh, this is an...

Thanks for telling me it's a fake asshole. I would be concerned that this was perhaps a real asshole. That just had wandered away from its owner. So this is an African's it's thanks for telling me it's a fake asshole like i would be concerned that this was perhaps a real asshole that just had wandered away from it so this is an african-american's asshole is this because of february or no no that's out the asshole when girls when we do some porn star podcast here and when girls have a gaping asshole they use that to like plug it during the day so their assholes just not like mouth breathing shut the fuck you know you know like no because it's sometimes if they get. Come on. It doesn't smell. Brian, you're not tricking me with this. You're just making this up, you crazy asshole.

Brian. How dare you? Have you seen this asshole? No, I have not. May I? Please. Thank you. Enjoy.

Silly. Please enjoy. Do you know Will Sasso, Joe? He's very strange. Very strange that someone would want a someone wanted it looks nice in your hand yeah i guess i guess when dudes just sit around fingering going that could be her ass this could be somebody's ass it's whitney houston's i would just first of all i would brush brush up against it like barely barely just just let her know my fingers just let her know i'm here

let her know my fingers saying what's up my her know I'm here. Let her know my finger's saying what's up. Knock, knock, girl. You want to back up? You can. If you want to back up, you can. Oh, I feel a little pressure on my finger. Is that your booty hole pressure, my finger? Oh, it looks like she wants to play. If you had the feeling to just back up and just, oh.

Everybody's different. Everybody's different. You put your finger on some girl's assholes and they clamp down and go, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. And every guy's asshole. Every guy's. Almost every guy's asshole every guy's almost every guy's yeah well wouldn't you rather that than a guy back up be like grab that second finger

i think so yeah you don't want a guy who's like super today that's how i feel today when you get older when i get older i'm gonna be fisting any dude that will let me more to stoke the fires yeah we'll just be bored i'll be throwing whatever I can in his ass. This little brown asshole is disturbing. It might not be a total... I mean... What? A total... I don't know. That's a black asshole. That's a black asshole. It could be like just a really tan person too. Because it's not necessarily black. No one's that tan. Well, the chick that I pulled it out of was a black one. Well, thank you. Brian, you didn't pull this out of some

girl. This is not an actual tool. That's a real doll butthole. It's a real doll's butthole. Yeah, a version of a real doll's butthole. But isn't the real doll's, you can fuck its butthole. Yeah, you can put different attachments in it. Oh, you can? Yeah. But this skin is what the real doll's made out of? Yeah. That's not as

good as Fleshlight. No, it's not. Fleshlight has a patented technology technology joe they need to like market that they need to market oh way better yeah flashlight feels way closer to vagina material yeah absolutely pretty goddamn close that's why you get you buy any kind of fake vagina as a guy and it's like it's a joke it's like fucking a barbie doll chunk like that the piece where they make barbie dolls out of like they carve it in a certain way that's's what it feels like. Can you make the flashlight tighter if you want? Yeah. It's pretty tight. It just stretches around your dick. It stretches.

You know what I mean? It's for the most part. For most people, I would imagine. For most people. Maybe not. Oh, thank you. Maybe not everyone. Meep, meep, meep not everyone wow this is great very touchy subject men and women oh yeah the assholes vaginas something taken over

some artificial shit for years dudes had to live with girls riding equipment and sticking sibians inside their bodies and now it's your turn now it's finally

the men's sexual revolution they're turning it around right now. Yeah. I'm scared of all that shit. I've never dealt with any of that. I mean, I've had a vibrator, but. How do you feel about this crazy Rick Santorum asshole not to, like, skew your judgment in any way? Yeah.

You thought maybe I'd be like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I love Santorum. No. Apparently, like, he's, like, not even into birth control. He thinks that women shouldn't have birth control and that the states should be able to decide. Is that his way of saying he likes pulling out and putting it all over his wife's stomach? Yes.

Do you think that's what it is? He's a tit guy. I don't believe that he believes anything that he's saying. You feel like he's just completely playing a game? Yeah. What do you think? He could be gay. You go straight to fag yeah whenever someone's really religious he likes bears fag when someone's super super

religious and they they want to like they want to either challenge gay marriage or control gay sexuality or whenever they want to get like real freaky with like controlling sex and morality and issues like that i almost always go gay with them because they almost always are uncovered as being wildly gay yeah it sounds like a crazy thing to say like you know joe rogan you're an asshole for saying that no i'm not you know why i'll tell you why because i'm not i'm not saying that you shouldn't be religious i'm not saying i know a lot of people where all that is super benefited them especially people that have had substance abuse issues you cannot say that christ that Christianity or religion or having a good church and a good association,

a community association to that belong to that's religious and follows religious tenets that it couldn't help their life. I agree. Yeah. But for, you know, for a lot of people, they're just too fucking stupid.

Yeah. If it like gives somebody hope and it helps them out, I'm like, God do it. But, but if it's just cause you're borderline retarded and somebody told you to believe it and you do, then I guess I don't really know what I'm saying. What are you saying, Amy? I don't know.

I just think I'm, I don't want to blame the pot, but I just like don't even really remember what we're talking about. Do you like the breadsticks and salad at Olive Garden? Brian, you had to. Is that what we were talking about? Yes like the breadsticks and salad at olive garden brian you had to is that what we were talking about when you're there you are family we were talking about black guys oh yeah you guys i'll tell you'll be the first we hit like a personal three-way mind stump right there we were all driving along and we were following you you were that we yeah because there was a brief moment where I you know as you're having a conversation it's sort of like

you're tossing a ball back and forth to each other I took the ball and you had the ball and I completely forgot what I was saying when I gave you the ball I threw the ball in the sewer

you you sort of threw threw the ball back to me and I threw I'm like I'm not sure you can have it again and then you said I don't know what we're talking about

I was like damn both of us should have kept that ball and I wasn't paying attention yeah Brian's like watching reruns of said, I don't know what we're talking about. I was like, damn. Should have kept that ball. And I wasn't paying attention. Yeah, Brian's like watching reruns of Sanford and Stenner. You don't want to be the Kobe Bryant of podcasts. You want to push the ball off as much as possible. It's very important. Yeah. I feel like I should make a rape joke. I'm going to just opt out. Dude, I love you. I love you. Move here. It seems like the right time. Move here. Move here. Come on. We're going to be besties. Ice you. I love you. Move here. It seems like the right time. Move here. Move here.

Come on. We're going to be besties. Ice house. I stopped doing my rape joke. I can't do it anymore. People were getting mad in the audience that had been raped. Yeah, you shouldn't. I had to stop it.

That's not a funny thing to talk about. They were asking for it. It's like murdering babies is not fun to talk about either. Yeah. They don't have to tell you. I beg to differ on both those subjects. I just, I can't, I can't find a way to make cancer funny. But everything else I think is pretty funny. Well, it depends on who's getting raped. When dudes are getting

raped, it's hilarious. That's great. Especially assholes. When bad, when mean men are getting raped by other meaner men. You are singing my song sister. Right? I miss Oz for that reason. Seeing Adebisi rape, I was like, yes. Last good rape show on television was Oz.

You know what? They don't make them like they used to. That's a different way of owning a guy. Raping him. That's a whole other level. Yeah. Raping someone when you're in a cage together. They impose themselves on you so much that they sexually impose themselves on you.

They make you suck their dick. Oh, God. That is. They nut in your mouth. They didn't even want to. They just wanted to show you that they could do that. Can you imagine how horrific that must be? The moment you become a bitch It's not even fun if it's what you want it to happen.

But what if you have to? A guy beats the fuck out of you. The best way to not get the fuck beat out of you is to suck his dick and let him fucking, yeah, it's not going to take that much time out of your day. Tibetan rape ceremony. It seems less gay of your day. Tibetan rape ceremony. It seems less gay to get fucked. Tibetan rape ceremony.

Is that a thing? Yeah, you tie you to a stick and let a bunch of guys rape you. Is that what free Tibet means? He's betting that up. I'm getting a bumper sticker immediately.

Meeting adjourned. He's actually referencing a Tibetan, Tibetan vulture funeral. Where they tie you, your dead body to a stake and then the vultures come down and eat you. It's fucking wild shit. Who watches?

Your family watches? Yeah, family members. A lot of times the vultures will leave the head on last. So a lot of the photos, if you see it, it's just like a skeleton, like almost exactly from Disneyland and then a person's real head attached to it. Well, not only that,

the high level guys take it to the next level exactly from Disneyland, and then a person's real head attached to it still. Well, not only that, the really high-level guys take it to the next level, and they bring hammers, and then they smash up the head, and they smash up the bones, and then they step back again, the vultures come back, and they actually devour the smashed-up bones. Yeah.

That's when you're taking it deep. That's when you're taking it super deep, when you're hitting your friend's head open with a fucking hammer. And they open them up, too, with knives. They, like, open the meat up to get the vultures to start. I was actually talking to this on the phone with my mom, and I was telling her about this. Why am I suspicious that you're telling a lie?

No, I will call her. I'll call her right now live if you don't believe me. But, no, I swear to God, I was driving over telling her about this. And then she's like, you know, this is like the most disturbing thing my mom's ever heard in her life because she doesn't have like internet as much as people, you know. So like I'm telling her this and she's like, I have to sit down. Really? So could you just tell her it?

Today on the way here. Oh, you should tell her to fucking go to the link. You should make her go to the link. No, no, no, no. You should just email it to her. Hey, mom, this is a new place I'm thinking about moving into in Burbank. What do you think? And she'll just look at that link.

She sounds like a real bitch. I think she's spotting. Oh, God. Come on. You can't say that while you're wearing your Cougar Hunter shirt. That is not cool. What is, Brian, do you remember the Cougar in shirt i could sense it's not cool brian do you do you remember the the cougar in in austin austin texas uh no did you get the accidental cougar oh yeah yeah do you want to

tell that story no i think we've told it a million times but pretty much are you talking about the strip club yeah the one when you didn't know oh yeah so there was this waitress that was like really flirty with me at the strip club. And I was blackout drunk. He's saying it like he wants me to get jealous. Yeah, well, he is. Who is it? He's going to let you know that he's available. She was nothing.

Don't worry about it. Oh, thanks. But she was pretty hot. Okay, we're okay. She was pretty hot, though. And so she was being really flirty, like massaging my back and everything like that. And I was just wasted. And then she stopped massaging my back and I'm like just fucked up and then suddenly this other waitress comes up to me

or a stripper or I don't know who it was or just an older lady she was a patron oh she was a patron that was just like an old lady that hung out at strip clubs you know like creepy older ladies smoke cigarettes and I don't know, like face of an ugly angel. And I thought that was this, the girl tried to like kiss me on the cheek or something like that. And I thought it was the hot waitress. And I just went, like closed my eyes and just started like Frenching her. And then Joe's recording it on his phone. And then I stopped.

No, no, no, no, no. It was just way before you could record things on your phone. No, you did. Because I remember you. No, no, I recorded it, no. It was just way before you could record things on your phone. No, you did because I remember you did. No, no, I recorded it on a camera. Camera. Yeah, he recorded it on a camera. And then whatever, I backed out and noticed it wasn't her.

Everyone that was around me looked like they saw a ghost. Everyone was just like, why does a ghost? It sounds like you made out with a ghost. This is what it was like. It was awful. I looked over and Brian was happy as a pig in shit. This is what it was like. It was awful.

He looked over, and Brian was happy as a pig in shit. He was sitting back with his arms stretched, pie-eyed drunk, stoned as fuck. He's just oblivious to the world, and he had this huge smile on his face. And then the waitress comes over, and she was really cute, and Brian said something funny. He laughed, and he clapped his hands together, and we were all having a good time. I let go of my balloon. And Brian kicks back. And he's literally, he's so hammered. And like fucking Nickelback is playing really loud.

Best moment of his life. And his head is leaning back. And the girl comes over and kisses his cheek. And she's a fucking old biker lady. Like an old haggard looking. She had short hair. She had a vest on. She had a vest. Golden Girls.

The older one that was the cougar chick. She was wearing a vest. Blanche. Yeah, it was like Blanche. Yeah, Blanche. Yeah. Blanche was the cutest one. No.

Who did you like, Sophia? She was like late 50s. Right? Yeah, I'd say late 50s. Late 50s. Late 50s old biker lady sits down next to Brian, cuddles with him, rubs up against him. He puts his hand on her.

She kisses his neck. He turns to her, and it's like watching a deer get hit by a train. And you have it on video. Boom! Oh my God, it was horrendous. When she stuck out her weathered cigarette gray tongue,

it was like a fucking appendage in the movie Predator. It was like something you expect to come out of its mouth. Too long. She was tonguing Brian. Oh, it was so nasty. And whatever tattoos that she had on her had long been blue by the mother time.

It's Tasmanianian the devil's shooting basketball or something oh they were making out they were making out and i'm filming it i'm filming it i'm going look look what the fuck is brian doing so the video is like look look what the fuck is brian doing and he can't even hear me you know you know it's like yeah and then the next day i'm like dude did you get that video he And he goes, dude, I deleted it for you. You'll thank me. Oh, you want to be a rock star. That's really nice.

I knew that it was too good and it was going to get out. I want that out. That's awesome. It was devastating. It would have been devastating to your confidence. I would love to see it. At the time, though, today, I agree. But eight years ago, whenever the fuck it was, I say you weren't really ready for that yet.

I would love to have seen it It would have been devastating I would have I have that on my Fucking MySpace page You remember You'd wake up And shit your pants

In cold sweats You just wake up Think about it And just shit your pants That woman was horrific bro That would be so awesome To have She was like

The scene in The Shining When Jack Nicholson Is making out with the woman And all of a sudden It turns into an old lady That's what it was like That's a That's horrendous That's sad that you did Little buddy seen in The Shining when Jack Nicholson is making out with the woman and all of a sudden it turns into an old lady. That's what it was like. That's horrendous.

That's sad that you did leave. Little buddy, you know I love you. No, I want to see it so bad. I didn't want to see it again. I almost reenacted. You didn't want to live with it. I felt bad. I felt bad. Everybody was going to attack you. I'm on a cougar hunt, Joe. You're just here to protect him. She wasn't a cougar dude

Yeah that's She was a snuffleupagus Oh shit She's a rocker chick dude That is brutal Trying to ruin my game With the cougs Oh boy

Oh And there's somewhere out there There's someone that wants To suck her feet No Yeah there's some dude Who wants to suck those Dried out old fucking

Eww Calloused Hardened Cracked feet He wants to suck on them. There's somebody out there, man. Yeah, man, pretty nice for me. Ew.

I don't know. Was that like Hispanic or like an inbred Southern? Oh, that was just fat. Fat Southern guy. Hey, get her done. Oh, God. So awful. Have you seen the Book of Mormon?

Do you go to plays and stuff like that? Yes. Is it just amazing? It's coming here to Los Angeles finally. For folks who don't know, it's the Matt Stone and Trey Parker musical. It's awesome. It's coming to Los Angeles? I think so.

Really? Yeah. Wow. I don't know how the fuck those guys have time to do that, man. I know. They're ridiculous. It's annoying. There's some people that put out their workload.

It's so shocking. You're one of those people. What are you talking about? You have 85. You're like Jamaican. No, these are easy jobs. Everything I have. I figured out a way to just fake it the entire way.

The Least Man Effort and do 80 things. Yeah, everything I do. You're like Seacrest on drugs. I'm like a manly version of Brian Seacrest. Seacrest. Yeah, I'm sorry. Seacrest into manly things. You're like the sexy, rugged, just fucking chicks.

How can you do this? Fucking just traps. You're busting out your shit. Fucking. Everything I do is super easy. It's all like skating through. I mean, comedy is the only thing that's difficult because you have to write the material. Right.

But then once you got it down, once you have your set down, it's super easy. You know, the only difficult thing about comedy is writing the new stuff. And the travel and the shit. The travel. But that's just, I'm telling you, your travel will be so much different if you had a podcast and you bring your friends on. What's up? Bring it.

Bring it. Yeah, you got to fly first. Or just hang out in California, smoke a lot of weed And just do shows here locally And do podcasts Yeah I don't know Yeah come on Get in there girl

This is the scene in the movie Where you decide that Fuck New York New York can suck it And you throw all your stuff In the bag And that's what you say Right before you leave

New York can suck it Boom You kick the door shut Next thing you're on a plane Next thing you landed Like in the movie Snatch. You remember when the dude has to fly back and forth from London to New York and he's all mad.

Yeah. They got some fucking diamond deal that's going on. He pops the ambulance. I think it'll be like Pretty Women, but like in reverse. So like a month from now, I'll just be like pantsless on the street. No, I don't need money. I don't need money. Just I want to know where the Greyhound station is.

But really, I'm like, OK, can I have some money? Pantsless on the street. In my underpants. Just. Your brown stained underpants. I remember when I first drove to New York. I'm not going to start shitting myself, Brian. Jesus Christ.

I'm just not. I don't have a job. I remember when I first drove to New York, there was an area of New York. Jimmy Norton would know where it is. He'd be able to tell you. I'm sure he would. I'm sure he knows where it moved to. He probably does.

There's an area that was like near the shipyards and shit. It was like a real creepy area. And you drive through and there was hookers everywhere. It was like night of the thousand hookers. Yeah, it was 42nd all the way over by the... Is that what it was? Yeah, Times Square used to be like... Sounds like Seattle.

Dude. What? Seattle again? No, you don't. Why? It's inside jokes, this motherfucker with the inside jokes. Nice, my Seattle. Dude. What? Seattle again? No, you don't. Why? It's inside jokes, this motherfucker with the inside jokes. Nice one, Seattle. It was so bizarre because it was like shipyards and hookers everywhere.

Norton's dreams. Really weird, man. The village people are actually there. That's a real place. There's a lot of people that have never experienced that. They don't know that there's spots where they've decided hookers are just going to accumulate. That's a real place. There's a lot of people that have never experienced that. They don't know if there's spots where there's all these... They've decided hookers are just going to accumulate. That's it.

That's their Amsterdam on the wire. Walk the streets. Yeah. New Orleans is the scariest place like that that I've seen. For hookers? Yeah. Really? Yeah.

New Orleans? From what I've seen. And I went to college in Baltimore. I saw some shit for sure. But New Orleans, I saw the scariest shit I've ever seen with hookers and stuff. I would have never thought that Baltimore was a hardcore sort of a place. It is. Until The Wire.

The Wire is real. In The Wire, you're like, whoa. I grew up in New York. Really? I grew up in New York and I was in the city constantly. Nothing ever happened. In Baltimore, I got robbed every way imaginable. My car held up at gunpoint.

Our apartment. Jesus Christ. It was like, yeah, it's fucking, it was nuts there. I don't know if it's better now. And I love Baltimore, but it's, you don't want to go to Central Booking. Yeah. Yeah, Baltimore, they used to have a comedy club there. They used to have an improv.

Do you remember going there, bro? They still have a, I'm doing, oh, speaking of that. Oh, shit. Oh, jeez. I'll be in Baltimore this Sunday. Oh, you will? I think it's called the Comedy Factory. Yeah, but I remember that.

Oh, you just remembered that. Yeah. You know what's the nicest time of year? Washington, D.C. Baltimore's ass. I was just saying, like, don't go to Baltimore. And I was like, oh, fuck. I'm going there this Sunday.

I've been robbed. I've been shot at. And don't forget the South Beach Comedy Factory. And if you want to see my comedic stylings. Oh, yeah. So you're going to be where in Baltimore on the Sunday? I think it's called

the Comedy Factory. Yeah, Comedy Factory. I'm really good at stuff. Is that the old improv? I think so. It's like right,

if it's not in the actual space, it's right next to it. It's where the improv used to be. Yeah, because I know that they were power plants.

Yeah, that was a fun little spot. That was fun. That was coming up when I was in school and we were just little whores running around there. Yeah, that's what it seems like it's a block away from gay street which is like the you know strip club porn oh god that was fun yeah fun place to go to college

for sure okay that's where our boy john rollo is shout out to john rollo listens to the podcast he's from baltimore big up john rollo it's a weird accent that baltimore accent so fucking it's sort of city but it's sort of country it's not cute it ain't accent so fucking it's sort of city, but it's sort of country. It's not cute It ain't cute you think it's bad just kidding please come out Sunday Come out Support me do you have an album out? Yeah, how can people get it? iTunes? iTunes. It's called Cutting. Cutting. Oh, nice.

I love the album cover. You're not buying my album. I might buy it right now. How about that? Okay. How about WhatsApp? How about buy my album? The album cover is awesome too.

What is it? It's her baking like cupcakes and she has a black eye and she's dressed up. Oh, and this is the one where the lady didn't want to do the makeup, huh? Yeah, she didn't want to do that wow because she thought that you're you're making fun of violence i think so but like that's my favorite thing to do like my sister and i used to go to rangers games and i would wear a neck brace and i'd put two black eyes on her and people be like what happened i was like oh we got into swimming with each other that's awesome people one time we saw Jon Hamm And we forgot that we had fucked ourselves up

And he was staring at us We were like Jon Hamm is into our shit And we were like alright we're all banged up You're beat the fuck up We get worse and worse every game If we got our hands in crutches We would do anything We just thought it was so fucking funny

People were horrified by us. Is that what got you into stand-up comedy? Like, just being a joker like that? I think so. I've been a dickhead my whole life. I've been a worthless dick my whole life. That's hilarious. I always had Saturday detention.

Did you have that? You know, like the Breakfast Club shit? Yeah, it was me and all the kids that didn't speak English. We didn't have Saturday detention, but I was in regular detention all the time yeah did you did you make it snow like from your dandruff onto a picture do you i don't know dandruff onto a picture you dirty bitch how are you taking a shower every now and again i'm not gonna move here anymore because that whatever that was i was talking about the breakfast club where that you know where they're all in saturday school oh that that moment that was I was talking about the breakfast club where that you know where they're all in Saturday school

oh that that moment that was important to you and nobody else yeah I have no idea what a fuck Ally Sheedy

Ally Sheedy she had dandruff in that yeah remember she used to like she was the crazy girl shake her hair and make it snow because of all her dandruff

I remember her shaking her hair but I didn't know it was like the most disturbing thing from that movie that was the most disturbing did you see Dandruff? Yeah. And it was a joke that it was snowing on a house that she drew or something.

Oh. I'll show you. I must have missed that part. I don't remember that. I don't think that was an important plot point. I don't know if I actually watched that whole movie all the way through. Really? Yeah, that's one of those movies I probably watched like 20 minutes and then shut it off

and then went back and watched the other 20 minutes another time. I probably never finished it. You don't like those movies? I don't know. I was never into them. They used to frustrate me when I was a kid. When I was a kid, when those movies were coming out, all those 16 Candles, it was a very weird time in my life.

John Hughes shit. Because I would get annoyed at any feel good, if I saw where it was going, I couldn't enjoy it. I couldn't enjoy any sort of horse shit. Happy ending? Any kind of movie where I felt like it was concocted. Those movies had some really dark shit, though. I'm sure. Really?

Yeah. I'm trying to describe what I mean. Yeah the guy the guy that I mean like I just If you saw like the happy ending coming at you I saw any if I just felt like it was written I felt like I was just like really super super good See the writing yeah, I could I wouldn't even enjoyed like comic book movies back then yeah But that movie is like a and you're the nerd you're the pretty you know very yeah It was really like yeah, this is the bad boy. Yeah, but the bad boy you're the you know it was very yeah it was really like yeah this is the bad boy yeah but the bad boy like in that movie his dad was like putting like cigarettes out

on him and it was right well that's yeah that is and the girl molly ringwald was like yeah like i remember thinking it was really dark how she was kind of vilified just for having tits like she was doing something to everybody just by having boobs. Oh, here's. Maybe if I saw it again. I just showed him like. But I was, I just remember I was a, I had really like super critical taste back then. Very, I was a.

What, yeah, what did you like? Well, I was very critical about myself at this point in my life. And so I was really critical about like everything I saw on TV and the movies. It was just a weird time for me. I was like, oh, the movie fucking sucks. Were you a comedy nerd? No. No?

You didn't go on that trip? No, not until I became a comedian. Oh, really? Yeah. Before that, I was a Richard Pryor nerd. I would listen to Richard Pryor tapes with my girlfriend. Yeah. But then I really started doing it

because friends talked me into it and because somebody described to me Sam Kinison. The first Sam Kinison bit that I ever heard was done for me by a girl, a 19-year-old girl that I worked with. Yeah, yeah. You know? I don't know why I know this story, but I do know this story. Oh, you do? I should have just pretended like I didn't know.

I probably told it on the podcast. Yeah, you must have told it on the podcast. Have I told that story, Brian? I think you did, yeah. The girl did the bit in the parking lot yeah yeah she was so it was so it was such a funny bit that this girl wasn't even a comedian did the bit in the parking lot yeah i was like wow man i wish i could come up with something that funny right that was like she did it enough justice that you fell in love with him just through her quoting it yeah yeah she acted it out and she was

hot it was really ridiculous yeah because she's lying on her stomach in the parking lot and she's like oh you mean life keeps fucking the ass after death oh oh it never ends i was like wow and he's like a short fat guy that's doing this she's like he's wearing an overcoat it's hilarious and i was like wow i gotta check that guy out damn like she was making me laugh by doing an impression of the guy. You know, that's when you know your shit's good. Yeah. Or that that girl was pretty good. Yeah, she was super cool. I think I probably couldn't do a kinesin any justice. Especially that one. In a parking lot. Somebody would come try and help me out. In a parking lot. Oh my god. It was just such a preposterous scene. She's talking about getting fucked in the ass

being a corpse. Yeah. For folks who don't know what the bit is, Kennison had a joke about homosexual necrophiliacs that were paying for a couple hours undisturbed

with the freshest male corpses. They had been arrested for it. So he did this whole bit about the guy being on a slab. Like going, well, I guess that's it. Now I'm dead. I'm gonna go be with Jesus.

And then he starts rocking back and forth. He's like, hey, digging my ass you mean life keeps fucking the ass even after you're dead it never ends it never ends it's a fucking great bit so this girl's doing this on her stomach in the parking lot and I'm like oh my god this is hilarious she nailed it. I wonder where she is now. Who knows? Probably married. A bunch of kids. Surprise, she's here. Stretched out pussy.

We have her here. Her pussy's dragging on the floor. She's like, I can still do the bit. Like the elephant man. I can still do the bit. I can still do the bit. Oh, God. When I worked at that health club, it was a really important moment for me.

When I was like 18, 19 years old, I worked at the Boston Athletic Club. I got to see Bobby Orr. Do you know who he is? Famous hockey player. I'd never seen anybody that had more than 10 knee surgeries. I'd never seen a professional athlete whose knees had been destroyed. And I got to watch this guy like walk around He's a he's a legend in like Boston

Yeah, legendary hockey player like one of the greatest hockey players of all time and the poor guy could barely walk And I remember thinking like fuck man that can you have to think about that when you're 18 years old You're spry and you're all fucking bouncing around like a little rabbit You don't think that like your your legs can get so fucked up that you could be, like, one of the greatest hockey players of all time, and still you've taken so much damage and so many surgeries that, you know, you're hobbling along in agony everywhere you go. Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. It's dark shit. It's weird. I just, I was talking to this guy who plays football, and I was like, you'll probably, like, don't you, I asked, I was like, don't you guys die young? And he was like, yeah and I was like I regretted it after I said it but I just it was a really legit question like like you just you have

a choice like there's enough research and with the internet and stuff you know now like you are you are really fucking yourself up that's so weird yeah it's a tough gig you know any any guy that chooses to use his body for uh any sport you know any guy that chooses to use his body for any sport you know anything where you're trying to make a living just off your body or like a ballerina how many guys

get to be Baryshnikov how many dudes are like I am going to be the next Baryshnikov meanwhile there's been thousands of them and no one gives a fuck it's like who's going to be the next Lance Armstrong guess what nobody how about that go into that fucking bike racing try to get famous we're like hey asshole we don't need to ride bikes okay i just got a cortisone shot in my hip i like running like i run run run and i just all of a sudden my body was like no stop hold on a

second you know that's just a pain thing that You're still injured. Yeah, I know. I know because I started running again for like three days. I ran like I used to. And the pain came back. Like I hadn't even gotten the shot. And then I haven't run since then. So it hasn't hurt me. Where are you having the pain?

It's in your hip? Yeah, right under the – like it's a muscle in my hip. Oh, it's a muscle in your hip. Yeah, it's a muscle. Yeah. I went and got x-rays. That's scary shit. I know people have had hip. Oh, it's a muscle in your hip, for sure? Yeah, it's a muscle. Yeah. I went and got x-rays. That's scary shit. I know people who've had hip replacements. That's fucking dark.

No, the x-rays looked totally fine, but he was like, do you want a shot of cortisone? And I was like, okay. And I was so excited that my hip didn't hurt. Oh, so you worked it out again? So I just, it doesn't hurt now. But when I was running again, it did. What if you have to get an iron hip? That'd be crazy.

Guys, I'm not getting a hip replacement. It's not just an iron hip. You know what they do? They saw off the end of your bone where your socket is. They literally saw it off and then they screw this fucking spike that goes deep, deep, deep, like a foot into the bone with an artificial, I don't know if it's a foot. I didn't measure it. Don get crazy on the internet but they screw this fucking long pipe into the bone and then it's this artificial hip socket that's on the top and sometimes it doesn't line up so good like one leg might be just slightly bigger than the other leg because of it

and when you're walking you have this little fucking hitch to your stroke that you'll never get away with like you'll never like walk normal for the rest of your life unless you want them to open you up and resize it again but all right i'm gonna get out of here artificial that's crazy bummer yeah and that's just the you know they're gonna be able to develop artificial everything in the future they made a titanium bone for a woman who had some sort of bone cancer and she lost her jaw and they created her a titanium jaw for a woman who had some sort of bone cancer and she lost her jaw. And they created her a titanium jaw. And apparently it functions just like the regular jaw.

It's better than her old jaw. They insert it in place. It's slightly heavier than the old jaw. What the fuck is going on? That's actually a person's jaw that they've. All right. You know what? Brian, you might be an asshole.

This is not a safe environment. This is not a safe place. You have somewhere you have to go, don't you? Yeah. you might be an asshole. This is not a safe environment. This is not a safe place. You have somewhere you have to go, don't you? Yeah. I do. You do. Thank you very much for coming on. This has been awesome.

Thank you. Thank you so much. This was really, really fun. You made me laugh so hard. Thank you. This was super cool. And I want you to do it as many times as you can. Whenever you're in town, please call me and let's fucking do this all the time.

Thank you. And if you ever move to LA, for real, Brian has a whole network of these podcasts called the Death Squad Network. You have a podcast whenever you want one. We'll put you on immediately and when we put you on immediately, I'm telling you,

everything will change. Really? Oh, fuck yeah. All your clubs, club dates will change. Medical marijuana license will get, look at your card.

And I'm on board. Yeah. Thank you. You're hilarious. Thank you very much. Thanks, guys. Really, really cool having you on. You're awesome.

See, it panned out, ladies and gentlemen, like I knew it would. This podcast was brought to you by... Fleshlight. The Fleshlight. It is. I know. If you go to joerogan.net, click on the link for the Fleshlight and enter in the code name

Rogue. You know the fucking drill. Why do I have to say it at the beginning and the end? Maybe you tuned in halfway and you didn't hear the first part. You heard it. I'm being rude. I'm being rude. I'm being rude. I'm being rude.

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We love you, dirty bitches. We'll see you soon. We've got a lot of people coming up in the show. Sam Harris is coming up. Be Real from Cypress Hills is coming up. Greg Fitzsimmons is coming up. My pal from Boston. We started out together back in the day. All right.

That's it. Bye, everybody. We love you. Bye. See you soon. Thank you. Diolch yn fawr. Thank you. Diolch. Diolch. Diolch. Diolch. Diolch. Diolch. Diolch. Diolch. Diolch. Diolch. Diolch. Diolch. Thank you.