The Joe Rogan Experience - #1886 - Robert Kelly

Episode Date: October 21, 2022

Robert Kelly is a stand-up comic, actor, and host of the podcast "You Know What Dude!" His latest comedy special, "Robert Kelly: Kill Box," is available exclusively at louisck.com. www.robertkellylive.com www.louisck.com/products/robert-kelly-kill-box

The Joe Rogan Experience Try them on. Let me see what they look like. Those look fucking tough. Those are tough, dude. Those fucking look good, dude. You got to get a pair of glasses, dude. Do you need glasses? I do for reading. Those are what I can't see my phone without them. Really?

Yeah, I can't fucking see my phone without these. What power are those? I believe it's one eye is different than the other. It's just prescription. One eye is different than the other? Yeah, just prescription. One eye is different than the other? Yeah, like one can see better or something like that. Did you get injured or is it just natural? No, I think they call reading glasses in England 45s

because around 45 is when your eyes start going. That's what happened to me. That's probably exactly when it happened to me. I remember doing the podcast and I couldn't read off a laptop. I was actually doing a podcast, and I couldn't read off a laptop. I was actually doing a podcast with Neil deGrasse Tyson, and I wanted to ask him about something, and I pulled up the laptop, and I was like, I can't even fucking read this.

Yeah, out of nowhere. I had perfect sight, perfect hearing, everything. Yeah, it just falls off like a clip. 45, boom, couldn't read. But you know what? There's a way to stop it in its tracks. There's supplements that you could take. There's a company called Pure Encapsulations, and they have a thing called Macular Support. And I started taking Macular Support, and it stopped it.

Stopped it in its tracks. Really? Yeah. So now I can read my phone. Like, it might have even actually got a little bit better. So, like, I don't have a problem reading my phone, like, reading text messages and shit. No problem. But I prefer, like, if I'm an article, I'll read with glasses on.

Well, the thing that sucks too is that they don't make cool glasses for men. Reading glasses. Those are fucking cool. Well, this is... They have like a nice red tint to them. This is from this guy in the East Village, my friend Anthony.

They look like they're from the East Village. He's... They do, they look cool. Yeah from the East Village they do they look cool yeah this guy makes them this is like a Rolex there's 500 of these made this is 230 something of 500 why doesn't he make more

it's not him I can't read it inside Jean Paul whoever oh so it's like a designer he's a optometrist optometrist. Hard word to fucking pull. But he's cool as shit. You walk in and he customizes everything.

He'll take this fancy glass frame and he'll be like, let's put this tint on it. Let me do this. And then you go in and he'll sand it down to fit your nose oh that's nice so you can pick like all these crazy frames and then he makes it yours which is great i mean it costs money but i love shit like that i love when it's worth it though i love when people take something and make it unique and not everybody has it customize i love people who customize shit like that. Like this guy could just be, yep, here's your prescription.

Here's your Bausch and Lams or whatever. Stupid glasses. He's like, I'm getting the coolest frames on the planet that are, you know, he has one, he gets this one with, you'd look good in these too. They have Thunderbirds, silver Thunderbirds going down the side. It's like Elvis would buy these glasses. I'm in. You have to be the motherfucker

to wear these glasses. They're like 1,600 bucks. Are they online? Can I see what they look like? Yeah. His name's Anthony Shit. I forget his name. Yeah, he has a whole Instagram.

No, not Anthony Shit. Where's my phone? I can't. Go grab your phone. Hang has a whole Instagram I can't no not Anthony shit where's my phone I can't go grab your phone hang on a second I'll tell you I want to see these because those are dope

the ones you have I love the red tint there's something about rose colored glasses you know I remember one time I was like super high and I put on a pair

of rose Anthony Aiden Anthony Aiden sorry yep Anthony Aiden is this him right here there he is Anthony Aiden opticians is it? Anthony Aiden. Sorry. Yep. Anthony Aiden. Is this him right here? There he is. Anthony Aiden, opticians.

Coolest guy ever. East Village. Where's the Thunderbird ones? Thunderbirds. Yeah. Type in Thunderbird. Here we go. I wanted these glasses so bad I couldn't pull the trigger though because I'm just not, you

know. Zero results for Thunderbirds. What about Thunderbird? I got a picture of it. Hmm. What about Thunderbird? No Just go through the catalog and see if you can find it They look dope though page one of five. Yeah. Yeah. Look at these glasses John. Yeah, okay There you go. Now you get in there. Look at these John. Oh, yeah I don't know. Maybe there's a Thunderbird on the side.

Maybe they have them behind the case. No. He only gets one pair in black, one pair in tortoise shell, and they're $1,700 without prescription. Wow. And they're fucking nuts. Those are my glasses right there. The ones right there?

Those are my, the ones, he made those and put them up on his site. Very nice. Yeah. Here, let me see. I got this picture of it. But I love guys like this who just take something and make it better. Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah, it's cool.

Craftsmanship. Exactly. That's exactly the word. Craftsmanship. Yeah. I'm a big cool. Craftsmanship. Exactly. That's exactly the word. Craftsmanship. Yeah. I'm a big fan of craftsmanship. Me too. Yeah.

I love when people make shit. I love when people make art. I love when people make tables like this table when I get the table done. I love the fact that somebody carved this. This is our friend Drew. Yeah. What was Drew's last name, Jamie? Who did the table?

Drew Teague. He's a bad motherfucker. And he made us this table. We had another one like this at the old studio, but it was a little bit too big. It was enormous. And so we had him construct this. Well, you look at a table like this and you're like, yeah, I could do that. And then you realize how hard, I watch wood stuff on instagram all the time it's my favorite just seeing some guy taking a tree and making it into something is nuts to me why is that so it's so satisfying right watching someone carve things out of wood and saw and hammer and nail and make it all precise yeah like there's so much that goes into it and this one dude is just sitting there and it was a tree. It was in a forest and now it's in somebody's house and generations are going to eat off this thing and talk about fucking everything. My table's from the 50s. house up in Westchester, they were like, you want to buy this furniture, 500 bucks, because the lady was dying or whatever. And she lived in the house her whole life. And I looked at him like 100% because it's mid-century modern furniture. It's like the Danish were making this furniture.

Europe was making these amazing wood furniture, like Mad Men type of furniture. And America started making them. I was like, this is that stuff. So we took it, and I found out the table's worth $2,800. The chairs are worth $250 each. The liquor cabinet's worth $4,000. All the stuff we got was from the 50s when she got it. And I'm sitting there going, this whole family grew up on this table.

And now it's very important in my house that when I'm home, we have dinner. Me and my wife and my son, we sit at the table and we have dinner. And I talk because that's the time where- You bond. Find out about your day. You need a break from your day yeah where you know

you're doing all this shit and now you're gonna sit here and just talk no ipads no homework no fucking instagram no bullshit just sit down talk and it's like what was the best part what was the worst part of your day you know and you know this happened recess of course I'm like no fucking recess don't count lunch nope don't count yeah you know and we ship this table

and then someone's gonna buy this table in 50 years it's probably worth even more it's like you can't recreate a 1950s table it is a you know you can make a copy of it but it's not a 1950s

there's something about an old thing that's like baked in memories and thoughts. Yeah. Like there's a scrape on the table. That's from their kid. I know it. That their kid did some stupid shit. And she goes, you scraped the table. Yeah.

You know, and he's got to be like 60 now. And if he came and saw it, he'd be like, dude, I did that when I was like seven. I just got a fork and I started, you know what I mean? Yeah. There's a story behind that shit. It's like, like a Rolex.

When you get a really nice watch, the craftsmanship that goes into that watch, fuck the watch. Like, oh, I got a Rolex. It's not about that. There's like engineering,

the engineering of it. And then when you scratch it for the first time you get so bummed out But if that's your scratch, I mean so the next guy that gets this watch on my son when he gets it That's my life. This is a big market for those really old Rolexes People love those can't get a real can't get them go to Bob's, you know Bob's watches. Do you know what that is? Yeah, no, yeah, you know so you're a watch guy I like watches yeah I'm a big fan

of watches yeah me too I love them I go to Mayer's in Tampa and I go to Watches of Switzerland in New York

what is Mayer's Mayer's is a big watch place in just a watch collectors place no they're just

Watches of Switzerland it's like authorized Rolex dealer so you want to just you're just all about Rolexes I know I like I like German watches I got a I like I like watches like when I went to when I tour with Louis in Europe this year in Paris I was like I want to get a French watch I I got this $400 watch called Lip. It's just L-I-P. It's a nice watch. It's a diver's watch.

It's $400, but it's gorgeous. I like watches. I have two Phoenix, the Garmin watches. I love the Garmin watch because it lasts for 68 days. Yeah, I've got one of those. They're the best. Like Apple watch, I got one of those, but it lasts 24 hours and you got to recharge it. They have a new one, the Ultra. Looks good. Lasts a couple of days. Yeah. But it's fat. It's like a toaster. It's still like two days. Like the Garmin is 68 days. Yeah. If you set it

right. And also like if you run the GPS, it's less. But I mean, it has that option. You could run GPS on it. Like you could track your whereabouts and less. But it has that option. You could run GPS on it. You could track your whereabouts and shit. 100%. Yeah. I love watches. I love that whole... I love knives.

Me too. Do you get a Jack Lore yet? No. What is that? It's a bushcraft knife. Bushcraft? Yeah. Are you learning bushcraft, Bobby?

Dude. Buddy, I'm telling you. By the way, you should never take those glasses off. Why? They're perfect for you. Aren't they? They're perfect. I got to take them off at some point.

Every now and then. Take them off when you fuck. Dude, yeah. Well, then I guess I'm never going to take them off. 15 years married. Fucking God damn it. Bushcraft. Bushcraft. Bushcraft, dude.

I love Bushcraft. What does that mean? What does that word mean? I mean, I don't- It means like learning how to live in the bush, right? I'm not a Bushcrafter. You ever heard of me and Ari and Joe List, the Bushcraft Party Boys? No.

Never? No. He's saying like it's like a fucking hit album or something. How would I know? It was a fucking hit. It was a hit. I've never heard of it. What's the Bushcraft Party Boys?

What does that mean? Dude, we, bushcrafting is like when you go in the woods and you survive. You make a shelter. You make a chair. You get all the stuff you need. Do you know how to do all that stuff? Yeah, I know how to do it. Can you start a fire? Yeah all the stuff you need do you know how to do all that? yeah I know how to do it can you start a fire?

yeah 100% with flint? I haven't done flint but I have a flint I do have a steel and flint but I you know I have a ferro rod it comes with a knife

like a bushcraft like this guy Jack Lohr and Ray Mears is the guy who started it in England bushcraft big bushcraft guy

and they'll just go out in the woods. And did it go out? Yeah, thank you. And they have these knives that you can pretty much do everything with. Like you just go in, you'll make a shell. Everything with this knife you can do. Is that you guys? That's us.

That's the Bushcraft Party Boys. Where were you guys? That's beautiful. Dude, I'll tell you. That's gorgeous. Where is that? That's beautiful. That's in New York. That's the Catskills. Oh, that guys? That's beautiful So dude I'll tell you That's gorgeous Where is that? That's beautiful That's in New York

That's the Catskills Oh that's a good place To get Lyme disease So we go up This is so crazy We go up Alright check this out We go up

I find the spot Where we're gonna go hiking Right? So we hike two miles Up this road It's an old dirt road That they used to You know know, horse and buggy used to go up. And

you get to the top and there's an old hotel, but it's all just the, you know, the frame of it. But it's creepy and beautiful and awesome. You get to the top. It's two hours up to the top. Then you go down the other side and it's a regular trail.

And that's another two hours down to this lake I think I feel what Lake it is echo Lake and it's all it's called primitive camping. This is beautiful That lake is so pretty it's um, it's unbelievable and it's all beavers are in there They've you can see all the trees as a photo of it. Are there fish in that lake? Yeah, there's fish is everything Did you guys fish? No, we didn't fish fish we're not fishing but i brought dude i brought filet mignons italian sausages nice did you yeah i cooked everything is that did you film that coyote no no no so we're we're out there and i'm the one who kind of knows about all this stuff so i told them about the bears so we get up there i'm like you know this is how you gotta hang a bear bag

you gotta you know if you're gonna take a shit it, it's going to be 150 feet from the trail and water. You got to dig it out. You poop. You can't just shit. You have to dig it out, poop, wipe, put that in the hole, take baby wipes. You got to carry that out with you back in a Ziploc bag. All this stuff, snakes, there's huge rattlesnakes up in the Catskills. Big, big rattlesnakes up there. Yeah, you have to be very careful of rattlesnakes up in the Catskills. Big, big rattlesnakes up there. You have to be very careful of rattlesnakes. Is there a lot of black bears up there? There's black bears up there. I told them about that.

They're going to stay away. Just don't have food in your tent. There's certain things, because we're primitive camping, there's nobody around. There's nobody around for four hours. How deep did you get in there? How far did you walk in? We walked four hours in. Two hours up, two hours down the back. Wow.

So if somebody gets hurt, it's going to be a problem. So we were, I mean, I cooked up a storm. I have this, it's called the firebox. It's this little steel box that's flat and then opens up. I cooked everybody rice pilaf. We had this sick meal. Dude, look at you. You guys have rain gear and everything everything

we had uh we had food we we had cigars we had the fire how many days you guys stay up there we did one day we went up for one night packed up that's fucking beautiful so we get into the i went early because i'm old so i get in my tent around 11 30 around 1 30 i hear them zipping up that tent and they get in and then as soon as they got in their tent, a pack of coyotes. And I don't know if you've ever heard a pack of coyotes. Oh, yeah. Sure. I've never heard them.

I didn't understand the noise. It sounds like something's being murdered. Yeah. I thought, ooh, something like that. It's like, ah, ah, ah, ah. Yeah. It's the scariest fucking sound. you know what they're doing when they do that they do roll call is that what they're doing yeah they're making sure either they kill

something and they want to let everybody know that they killed something so they let all the other coyotes know or they're doing roll call and here's what's interesting when they do roll call if one of the coyotes doesn't respond that means means the coyote probably got killed. And when a coyote gets killed, the female coyotes in the pack produce more litter. It's one of the reasons why coyotes are everywhere. They're one of the most unusual animals in North America in that when their populations decrease, the female litters increase. Like they make more babies and they spread their territory out because they used to be limited to the West. They make more babies and they spread their territory out. Because they used to be limited to the West.

But then in the 1800s and the 1900s, when people started shooting them and running them off, when they extirpated the wolves, wolves are basically they were- Did you just use the word extirpated? Yeah. Yeah. I had no idea what that means. When they removed the wolves- Thank you for dumbing it down. Yeah.

When they removed all the wolves, they killed all the wolves in the West. When they were doing that to the coyotes, it didn't work. The coyotes just spread out. And now there's coyotes in every city in America. Yeah. And they're wolves. I just saw one got hit on the West Side Highway. Yeah, they're everywhere.

Yeah. They're in Manhattan. They're all over Central Park. And then people are like, no way. Like, yeah, there's videos of them in the Bronx. They're in my neighborhood. Abandoned houses. 100%.

Yeah. But we're four hours away from anything. It's 1.30 in the morning. It's me, Ari Shaffir, and Joe List. Not the Navy SEAL team you're looking for, right? You know, I'm huge, right? Did you guys bring a firearm or anything i had i had my jack i had my knife my bushcraft knife oh well there you go ari had one i gave joe list my

broken buck knife that he didn't know was broken and i had bear spray i took bear spray just in case you know and uh i mean they screamed dude it was terrifying terrifying the noise is terrifying and then right when it stopped joe list went what do we do about that and then my then then my my my pad my sleeping pad broke it just pops oh you got one of those air pads that was just dude i'm you know i'm huge at the time i'm fucking massive it's not my wasn weight. You know what I mean? I just popped it. So I got to keep rolling around all night. Ari keeps hearing me roll around trying to get my pad together, and he thinks I'm being attacked. So Ari in the middle of the night, Bobby, what the fuck's happening?

Are you all right? Are you all right? I'm like, I'm fucking fine. My pad's broken. Shut the fuck up. So crazy. Yeah. We've done it a couple times. Oh, that's awesome. We've done it a couple times.

Oh, that's awesome. We've gone out a couple times. I got a whole show I'm shooting next summer, Comedy Camp. Really? Yeah, dude. I'm taking five comics up into the woods for five days. No cell phones. No managers.

No nothing. If you bring no managers, that's hilarious. Would your manager want to go? Whose the manager would want to go there well some of these things that you know there's a hotel or you break or you go back to the thing or your agents there dude i'm taking jim norton i'm taking russell peters beth stelling i'm taking myself and there's one more comic we're going to pick we'll go into the woods for five days and that's comic we're going to pick. We're going to the woods for five days. That's amazing. And we're going to do bushcrafting. Like, you're going to light the fire,

and you get patches on your sash like a Girl Scout. And whoever raised money for charity, whoever wins gives a certain amount of money to the charity. You're going to do a solo in the woods by yourself, set up your camp, set up your fire, do all that shit. For comics. It's like the show alone, right? It's one of my favorite shows ever.

It's a great show. It's such a good show. I had one of the guys who won on the podcast. I saw it. It was really, really interesting. He's fascinating. They all are. This guy lived with the tribal people in Siberia.

He lived with reindeer herders, which is really amazing. See, I love, if I had another life, dude, I would go do that shit. Yeah. I would go, I would just fuck all,

just let it go and go how to just live. You know, those guys are out there. What a show concept. How, whoever stays the longest wins. And you can always tell who's,

who's gonna be kicked off or who's gonna to leave first. I miss my kid. That guy Jordan who went out there, he was stealing. He was stealing. He had so much information. It was like a rigged game. Is that the guy who killed the

moose? Yeah. He was so far ahead of everybody. It's like he was stealing money. It's like you're not staying out there longer than that guy. It's funny because the guys who have the kids and the wife that they love they're gone yeah they're just done it's hard it's hard i get it but it's like it's three days in and you're like i miss my wife it's like dude shut up just yeah at least do 20 days you know what i mean and Jordan did, I think, 60. 60-something days.

I think the most is 80-something. Wow. And this guy, I think he had a shovel, a sharp shovel, and he just knew how to do it. I forget his name. I follow him on Instagram. But that guy, he knows that fat is the key to surviving. Well, remember a wolverine ate his fat? Ate his fat, yeah.

And so he had to kill the wolverine. So he killed the wolverine with a fucking ax. Yeah. That's some man shit. That's hard shit. That's some hardcore shit. I ran into a badger when I was in, did I tell you about this, Jamie? I didn't tell you.

I ran into a badger when I was in Utah in the mountains hunting a couple weeks ago. Yeah. And we stopped the truck. The headlights were on. This badger was in the middle of the road and I said let me go get a fucking photo with this badger and as I walked up to it and started filming it it's hair went up and it started walking towards me

this little thing and I'm like whoops gotta go and I fucking jumped back did you see that video of the badger fighting a pack of lions I've seen that yeah that's crazy and it won yeah they're fucking terrifying animals

they're so ferocious let me find this it's it's amazing that an animal that small like a wolverine or a badger that big animals are terrified of it like big predators are terrified of it like what the fuck

what are they doing let me find this. But that show is so great, but even that guy, because it's like, okay, fine. I know the animals, the moose will kill you, Wolverine will kill you, but if you know what you're doing, you're the top of the food chain. Yeah, if you know what you're doing. If you know what you're doing, you're the top. And that guy was pretty amazing.

Well, humans with weapons are always at the top of the food chain. But humans without weapons are at the bottom. I mean, you get killed by a rat. You have very little shot at anything. You're a fucking human with no weapon. Right. Got it in here somewhere. I'm not going to find it.

Oh, there it is. Here, I'll send it to you, Jamie. Cigars are so good. They're good, right? No, this is the, one of the most people who get a cigar, like it's my cigar. It's garbage. I know. Like when, uh, Nick from foundation cigar sent these to me, I was very skeptical. Yeah. Very skeptical. It's, it's such a great cigar. I mean, it's, it's, it's one of my favorites and it's crazy. you can't even get it. Well, yeah. Look at it. This is it right here. So give me some volume here. So this is where it's like just at the end of the day.

Hey, man. Hey, man. So I'm just walking up to it trying to film it. Jesus. And I'm like, nope, got to go. See you. Yeah, exactly. I love it.

Anytime somebody sees an animal, we always talk to them like it's like a surfer. Hey, what's up, dude? What up, bro? Hey, bro. Hey, man. You cool, dude? Yeah, you not cool? Okay.

I'd never seen one in a while before. That's wild. They're just such an interesting looking, like a little pit bull covered in fur. Just a little fur. So funny. It's funny because I bought a tiny house I was telling you up in New Hampshire and I want to see animals so bad. We go up in the

summertime for two months. You don't see anything up there? I haven't seen. I saw a deer. I know there's bear. I know there's a lot of bear. I know there's a lot of meerkats and mountain lions and stuff like that, but I haven't seen them. When you want to see them is when you don't see them. There's moose up there, too.

Moose. There's everything up there. There was more animal sightings in Westchester on my ring cam than there was. The deer. Deer in Westchester are off the charts. There's so many. There's bear, too. There's bear.

There's a bobcat. Wow. There's There's bear. There's a bobcat. Wow. There's a bobcat. There's coyote everywhere. They have a real bear problem in New Jersey. You want to know about this? This is kind of crazy. The highest population of bears in the entire country is in New Jersey.

That's crazy. There's more bears per capita in New Jersey. Because you can't kill them. Because you can't kill them now. They used to be able to until this new governor. This new governor came along. Let's stop the bear hunt. They're teddy bears and they're yogi and they're our friends. Did you see the video? I posted the video on my Instagram yesterday of a hiker. He's climbing up this mountain and the bear comes down the mountain and tries to eat him. Yeah, I saw that. And he's like screaming

and the noises this guy makes, pull that up, the noises this guy makes are so fucking primal. He's like, because he's about to get, let me, give me a second. Look at that thing.

That's a small bear too. He's lucky. That's a small bear, too. He's lucky. That's probably like a six-foot bear. I can't fuck with him, though, dude, because you'd think you'd do something. No, there's not much he can do. It was really interesting. You play it again because at the beginning of it, it comes right down at him. Right down from the top and tries to bite him and then runs back at him.

He's lucky he had the high ground after that. He kicks like a bitch too. He's lucky. He's lucky that Barrett did just bite his foot off. Poor guy, man. Those noises. Jesus Christ. Those noises are so primal.

Poor dude. Is that what you're are so primal. Poor dude. Is that what you call them? Yeah. Primal? It's, ah! Ah! You know, Anthony Kumi sent me a text message this morning. He was like, that's like what you would, like caveman noises.

You'd expect a caveman. Ah! Ah! Ah! That's what it sounds like. It's funny. It's like the fucking, the DNA of you. Like the, forget about your language.

Just noise. Because you don't know, I always think I know what I do. Bear, bear, you know, you're supposed to, you see the bear, back bear, like in my head. But if that happened to me, I'd probably make the same. A hundred percent I'd make that noise. Probably a little higher pitched. Well, a hundred percent I'd have a gun. Yeah.

So I'd shoot that thing right in the fucking face. One hundred fucking face 100 you know you can only kick them so many times like if if you have a gun on you that's that's way better that that situation is scary because people get eaten by bears all the time it is a common occurrence but bear spray i heard this, bear spray is less effective than regular mace. Really? Because they don't want to, we can go wash our eyes out. Bears can't. So they make it less powerful because they can't wipe their eyes off. Is that true?

Yeah. I didn't know that. I mean, it's true because I said it. I would have thought it would be more powerful. They come in these big canisters. No, it's less powerful because they can't go wipe their face off. They can't go to a lake and just get their eyes out. So they make it less powerful.

I mean, that's a fact for me. Fuck that then. That would take mace. Yeah, I don't give a fuck if they're washing their eyes out. I heard bears, but they don't. Like a black bear. A black bear, you become bigger. A brown bear, you become smaller, right? It depends. That situation-

And a polar bear, you just fucking say goodbye. Yeah. Polar bear, you're fucked. Yeah. Polar bears are different because they only eat meat. Right. So a black bear will eat berries and it'll eat leaves and grass and it'll also eat meat. A grizzly bear, same thing. Polar bear, there's no grass where it lives. So all they do is eat meat. They're the most predatory of all bears. You ever heard of a short-faced bear? No.

That was the bear that probably kept human beings from crossing the Bering Strait. The Bering landmass during the Ice Age, when the continents were connected and you could walk from Asia to America, during the ice age, when the continents were connected and you could walk from Asia to America, there was a bear called the short-faced bear that died off when all the megafauna died somewhere around 12,000 years ago. There was a mass extinction of megafauna, and the short-faced bear was amongst them.

It was like twice the size of a polar bear. Jesus Christ. And it had long limbs, so it's like a cat. Find a photo of a short-faced bear in comparison to a person. Holy shit. Look at the fucking size of that thing. I mean, could you imagine if you saw that thing running towards you? Like, what do you, you know, that's it.

You're done. But this is why I love man, because they found a way to take that down and make a coat out of it. With a rock connected to a stick. Yeah, they were like, listen, man. Fucking look at that thing, man. Just imagine being a primitive man with animal skins covering your dick, wandering through the forest trying to find a squirrel to feed your children. Why don't they make a movie?

They made one movie a long time ago with a crazy bear. I don't know if you remember it. I forget the name of it. There was some nuclear lake and the animals ate out of it and tadpoles were this big. And there was a fucking bear like that just going around killing everybody. What was it called? I started with a P. It was scary as shit, though.

Prophecy. Prophecy. Oh, I remember that. Remember this movie? That was 1979? Right. Wow, I didn't know. You know that's when Alien was?

The movie Alien? That was 1979? Really? Yeah, I thought it was way later than that. That's prophecy. Look at that fucking stupid thing. That thing, people would just be in a tent, and it just goes. Oh, my God, that's amazing.

Yeah, look at the car. That's amazing. Look at that car nice truck look at that bear defender that's a an old jeep maybe that's a fucking that's hilarious um yeah there you you think you would have like oh this is the movie cool old cars. Oh, look who's in it. Oh, my God. What's-Her-Face from Rocky.

Doesn't that suck that she's What's-Her-Face from Rocky? That's who she is. I know. That's What's-Her-Face from Rocky. It's Adrian. Talia Shire. What's-His-Name's sister. Who?

Pauly. Pauly's sister. No, no, no. She was hot. The guy who directed The Godfather. Oh, really? Francis Ford Coppola. What am I, an ass?

That's his sister? That's his sister. No, she was hot in Rocky. Smoking. When he took the glasses off of her, I was like, holy shit, she's hot in there. How hot was she in Rocky 3? Ooh, when she got pretty. When Rocky got pretty, too.

Remember, he was all handsome. He had the suit on. Shredded. Yeah. He got soft, Rock. When he got the robot, the gay robot. Look at that. It's the greatest robot ever. Shredded. Yeah. I got soft rock. What, he got the robot, the gay robot? Look at that. It's the greatest robot ever.

Prophecy. What the fuck? That's the tadpole? What is that? That's a bear baby? I think that's a baby bear. Oh, Jesus Christ. That's a wolf.

In the nuclear lake. Yeah, the lake. And the tadpole they take out is nuts. Let me climb in this fucking nuclear lake and let this thing free. Imagine, there's a lake filled with nuclear radiation that's turning a tadpole into that thing. And this guy's like, let's climb on in with no hazmat suits. Oh, we got a helicopter? Let me bring this thing to safety.

He's cuddling that little baby. Yeah, we'll bring it to safety. And then the big bear comes looking for its baby. Is that the story? Yeah, I think that is the story. And then what's her name from Rocky? Yeah. Fucking saves the day.

She's so pretty. She was hot. God, she's gorgeous. Yeah. That's like the best looking kind of Italian woman. Those features. Yeah. Yeah.

What a stupid movie. It's a dumb movie. Stupid, but it's great. There's some great dumb movies from those days. They should make a new bear movie. They should. With one of those. Yeah, or maybe a short-faced bear.

Like maybe someone brings one of those things back to life. Right. Well, they're trying to bring back wooly mammoths. There's a lot of assholes that want to bring back everything. Like 90% of everything that ever lived is extinct. I think it's more than 90%. Things go extinct. They're bad designs

I'm on the dodo bird. It's over let it go don't bring it back. I'm a dodo bird You know pterodactyl. I want a pterodactyl to eat all the fucking pigeons in New York There was a place on earth where they thought that pterodactyls were still alive the fuck Yeah, there was like one of them legend things still a lot. Get the fuck. Yeah. There was like one of them legend things where people were claiming to see enormous birds,

bird-like creatures that had like 17-foot wingspans, and they were thinking that pterodactyl still existed. I think I saw that. It was like some tropical place. Was it Tampa? Fort Lauderdale. I'm telling you, Tampa's- It's wild. I stay at my friend, you know Mike Calta, right?

Mm-hmm. I stay at his house. When I stay at my friend, you know Mike Calta, right? I stay at his house. When I go down there, I play the side splitters, right? Speaking of Tampa, I filmed my special down there, too. Not to segue into that fucking club. Special looks great. Did you get it? Yeah, I did. And it's on Louis?

You're doing it on louisck.com? louisck.com. He actually, he's the best, dude. He came to me. I love him to death. I was opening for him in Europe, and he was like, do you have a special? I was like, no, I can't. Nobody will give me one.

There it is. Killbox. Nobody will give me one. And he's like, I'm shooting your special. What club is this at? We made this. Because I told him, we sat down, I'm like, what do you want to do? I was like, Elvis' 68 special, his comeback special.

I want that look where 10 by 10 stage, 12 inches off the ground, surrounded by people. I want it to be like the best, like the cellar, sides, kill box. You know, that's a term that we use. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, the place is a kill box the store you know kill box so we created this stage where coastal creatives in saint pete we

went in there and they were like you can do whatever you want they gave us comp launch so louis got his whole team his you know his emmy grammy award winning team that does all his specials and put them on me. And he showed up and we shot this special. I tried to get an outfit like Elvis, but nothing fit at the time. So I could only get that jacket and I couldn't zip it.

But we shot this special, man. So that was Anthony Giordano's crew. The same people that do my stuff. Is it? Yeah, they do all my specials too. Dude, I can't they're the best because i i wrote this on a piece of paper i drew it like this is what i want and they and then you show up that day and you're like holy shit anthony is the he's the director of the ufc

is he yes and he directed my first special i don't know if it was him 2009 i know he does louis then he was i think he was involved. Brady was involved, Leah. Yeah, Brady. Oh, Brady, okay, yeah. That's the people, positive image. Yeah, I mean, everybody. They're the best.

They're the best. I couldn't believe that I went into this empty space. You go in there and you can do whatever you want. And I came back on show day and I walked in and they did it. That's what, that's why I love show business. That's why I love Hollywood. That's the part I love. People can make things happen.

They just, it's like impossible to me. Like in my head, I'm like, dude. And then Louie comes in. I step on stage. I'm like,

um, dude, I love it. It's perfect. Louie comes in cause he's a genius. And he goes, this is wrong. That's wrong.

Put this over there. Do this. I need 50 more people over here. That's wrong. Put this over there. Do this. I need 50 more people over here. I need 75. Put tickets, Bobby. Go to your Instagram. Sell more tickets. I want to fill this in.

30 minutes. And he made it 100% better. Wow. Because he just sees what he wants. He changed camera views. He did all this stuff. And then by the time we shot, it was unbelievable. And it was,

we did two shows. A lady almost died. What happened? Dude, I go on stage. I got Mike Coulter's band, Pitbull Toddler, just a Florida,

you know, a bunch of chubby dudes in t-shirts. Drumming, they're awesome. They just jam and kick an ass. He's one of my best friends. He's my best

friend, Mike Calta. And he goes, ladies and gentlemen, with his radio voice, give it up for Robert Kelly. Camera goes down. I walk out. It's perfect. I get on stage. I'm like, this is great. 20 minutes in, I'm like, in your head, you're filming specials. I got it. I get on stage. I'm like, this is great. 20 minutes in.

I'm like, in your head. You know, you film a special. I got it. I'm in it. I'm in it. I'm in this. And then I hear, help her. And I was like, what the fuck?

Please help her. Center stage, second row. This guy's wife just, Caesar? I don't know. And I go, is she all right? He goes, no, Bobby. Now he's using my name which is fucking nuts Bobby help her did you keep it in the special?

it's not in the special dude this is fucking nuts so we're gonna release it later oh no did you get a release from her? I'm gonna talk to him so I go here give her my water. So I give her my stage water.

And I mean, tables, chairs are flipped, lights are on. I'm off stage. There's chairs on the stage I was just murdering on at my special. And everybody knows when you shoot a special, you have two shows. The first one you get, the second one is just to have fun, right? Right. And I was doing it. I'm off stage i immediately get an a stress eye headache i'm like my my head's pounding i'm like what the fuck i see they're dragging this lady out and as in louie's right there and as soon

as they drag her by louie and she's past him he goes we're good we're good man let's go like as soon as she was as soon as she was out the door he was like let's do it we're gonna go so you take this i gotta go back off the stage they take everything and they replace were you in the middle of a bit dude the middle of it did you start it from the beginning again i just started i started making fun of the situation like your comic instincts take over i don't even know what i said it was like being in a fight like you don't i didn't know what happened right i was fucked dude i went on i i finished i i killed you know i did the rest but you're in i got a headache dude it was nuts i go back in the dressing room i clear it out i I'm like, what the fuck? You know, I was pissed.

I was fucked in my head. And Louie comes in. He's like, dude, we were good. We're good. I'm like, no,

we're not, dude. I don't know what the hell. I don't know. I'm like holding my head. And he's all of a sudden he gives me this. He does. He gives me this Martin Luther King speech pep talk.

Like he's like Martin Luther King once said, didn't work. Then he goes to JFK. Fucking didn't work. Then he holds up a video of Tom Brady giving a speech. And it's like you know when I was there

they didn't want me. I wasn't fast enough. And that worked. Tom Brady fucking dude fucking worked. I was like fucking let's do this. Oh that's amazing. We went on Tom Brady. Dude, fucking worked. I was like, fucking, let's do this. Oh, that's amazing. And we went on to the next show and killed it and got it. Thank God. Oh, beautiful.

And she lived. That's nice. I came up to him. I go, is she okay? He goes, I don't fucking know. I don't give a shit. We have another show today. She said, all right.

I was like, I don't give a shit we got another show we're gonna know the show i gotta get this because he paid he paid for everything you know what i mean right it's all on his dime so he's like we got his fucking show dude i gotta get you right motherfucker yeah so we went out did it we got it and and i love tampa they they're wild people dude florida saved me during the pandemic that's why i was gonna do it in boston but i'm like when that happened i lost 55 shows in one night i had a theater tour going with creeps with kids ron bennington voss florentine and me were doing this great theater thing that was sold out and it all went away in one night like i got a call from my agent matt

frost he's like dude it's all gone i'm like what he goes all your shows and it's like dude i'm not a you know i'm a club guy too you know so this was i finally had a theater tour that was successful i was kind of crawling my way and i finally had that like all right let's do this this is great and it was gone so So Florida saved my ass because Sidesplitters, Versanis, McCurdy's, all these clubs down there, I could go down and fill the place up

and do shows. So I was like, I got to go down there and do this. And Mike Cauter promoted the fuck out of it. Well, it was one of the only places where you could do shows.

It was one of the only places you could do shows but you could do shows without the masks. Yes. Because to be to be honest dude i'd rather not perform than did i can't i need your mouth yeah i need your mouth yeah because other than that you the the eyebrow movement is the same as a great joke or you're offended you know what i mean and you hear yeah i don't i don't know if you hate me or love me. It's the same Muppet shit.

Laughter through a mask is just very strange. It was the worst. I only did one show with people with masks on in the crowd. Well, I did a few outside with Chappelle where they were supposed to have masks on, but people didn't really have masks on. Most people were like, fuck it, because it was in Texas. Yeah.

That was like peak pandemic. Right. But I did it was in Texas. Yeah. That was like peak pandemic. Right. But I did a show in Houston. We did the improv in Houston when you were still allowed to do shows indoors. Right. And people had masks on. Yeah. It was very strange.

Oh, the special, dude? It was so funny. Nobody gave a fuck. We jammed them in there like sardines. Nobody gave a shit, dude. When was this? When did you film it? We filmed it, I think, in March. Yeah, March. fuck we jammed them in there like sardines nobody gave a shit when was this when'd you film it we

filmed it i think in march um yeah march um we went down there one night rocked it out and then louis louis put it on his website man which is nuts it's great because he's creating his own it's like okay i love that we don't have to ask i don't have to get a yes anymore it's like all right you don't like me whatever the fuck reason netflix whoever it's fine i'm cool i don't i don't i don't hate you know what i mean it's like fuck them i don't i don't have time for that shit right and i just i didn't i couldn't afford to do it the way i wanted to do it i didn't i know i could do it another way but i wanted it to be special i believe that, but I wanted it to be special. I believe that, you know, I wanted it to be special. And I wanted, this was in my head, that Elvis comeback special was always like, that's the

baddest Elvis ever, you know? And granted, I was Elvis at the end of his career. Not really at that time when he was peak. But, and Louis, this is why I love him, man. He just, he was like, I got it. Okay. Okay. I was like, great. And he did it. And he just, he was like, I got it. Okay. Okay. I was like, great.

And he did it. And he directed it. Because at one point he was like, we're going to maybe do this. I go, dude, I don't care if you're fucking using an iPhone. As long as your eye is looking through that camera, that's what I want. Because I know what you know. You're one of the best. I had one of the best stand-up comics walking today.

Ever. Ever, but alive right now. Yes. Directing your special. Paying for it. Paying for it. Directing it. Editing it.

Producing it. Yeah. Amazing. I can't tell you how amazing that was. And the pressure's on, too, because if you suck, you know, you kind of wasted his money and his time but he and he put it on his website which is nuts i mean that's crazy because that people covet you know you know when you get it it's hard not to covet it because you're so afraid

of losing it but he's he's just like he's creating his own netflix on his website uh the movies there his tv shows there his specials are all there. You can go there and pick what you want. My special's there. It's crazy that it's on there. It's brilliant. What he's doing is brilliant.

And it's a perfect answer to the problems that he faced after getting canceled. I brought him to my club. I bought a club in Austin. I heard. And I brought him there right when we were about

to pour cement. And he was like, make the stage shorter Drop the ceiling down even lower like do this do that. I'm like whatever he says just do whatever he says right I didn't even I just said what else you think he's like so all the ideas that he had We implemented all of them. There were perfect ideas right like the stage is a little too big in the small room We have a small room. That's like 120 people. He's like why is the stage so big should be smaller I'm like you're right should be smaller how much smaller cut it cut it down here i'm like let's do it yeah

let's cut it he has an eye for things he's just he's like a like he shouldn't be doing comedy he should be like curing fucking cancer you know what i mean like his brain if he puts it in a direction he just does it it's like crazy he's really intelligent when you mix intelligence with humor it's so powerful yeah you know you have the same thing dude i mean i remember when i was coming i don't know if you know this but when i was coming up in boston i got a lot of shit from my comedy because that's when evening at the improv and comedy count, you know, half hour, all that stuff. And I remember people telling me, you have to clean it up. You need seven minutes of clean material. You need seven minutes of clean. If you do, you're too dirty. You talk about stuff. And

I'm like, dude, I just got out of rehab. I was in jail at 13. My life is about bullshit and, and, and banging. And I don't, I don't understand i i don't i can't fucking read a newspaper i barely can read i don't what do you want to read you want to write topical shit i don't have that i'm you know and i remember i saw you on uh mtv's comedy half hour and you were talking about getting like how much pressure you apply to you know you don't want to you know hurt you know how much do you how much to to push your girls i mean is there a thing you know what i mean it was when when a girl's like i go she's like kissing your lips and kiss your neck kissing but she's spending way too much time in this particular area you're trying to encourage this downward trajectory

of her affection so you're like arching your back and you're putting your hand on your head but you don't know how hard you can push her head before she gets mad it was fucking genius to me because every guy has been through that because you don't want to be a fucking asshole right right right but it's like dude this is doing nothing right my nipples i don't like to be a fucking asshole. Right, right, right. But it's like, dude, this is doing nothing. Right. My nipples, I don't like it. What are you doing? And I was like, that's it. I go, that's what I want to do.

That's the fucking comedy. That exists. But we were stuck in a time where there was a transitionary period between doing sets for The Tonight Show, which made careers. Back then, Stephen Wright got on The Tonight Show, Richard Jenney. These guys got on The Tonight Show, which made careers. Like back then, Stephen Wright got on The Tonight Show, Richard Jenney. These guys got on The Tonight Show, and it made their careers. Everybody knew them from The Tonight Show. But there was guys like you and me

that were stuck in this, we were wild kids. And we were like early 20s, and we were like, that's not what I think about. And I remember there was a guy that I work with at Nick's Comedy Stop, and he was telling me this. You gotta clean it up. You've got to stop saying fuck. You've got to do this.

I go, but my favorite comics are like Dice Clay. And he goes, well, you're not Dice Clay. I go, well, Dice Clay wasn't Dice Clay until he became Dice Clay. That's what I want to do. I don't want to do what you're doing. Yeah. Like, get it in your fucking head. That's not what I want to do.

And he's like, well, you're going to work shit rooms. And I'm like, okay, well, that's what I have to do then, because That's not what I want to do. And he's like, well, you're going to work shit rooms. And I'm like, okay, well, that's what I have to do then. Because this is the comedy I want to do. I want to do comedy like Kinison and Hicks. And that's what I wanted to do. I wanted to do wild shit. That was the shit I liked. It was like being in a rock and roll band.

And someone tells you you have to play classical music. Like, no, I want ACDC. That's what I like. I like Highway to Hell. Well, it is more profitable. Back then it was. And even now. No, not anymore.

Well, I mean, I think there is certain things you could do. I mean, The Tonight Show and all that stuff, I get it. But, you know, if you're, you could make a little more money. If you could, Instagram will, you know, fucking flag your shit. And if you're telling clean stuff, it can go to everywhere, even on Sirius Radio. If you do a clean album, you'll make way more money. Yeah, but YouTube, if you have a set like Schultz or someone like that, that his set got banned from a streaming website.

One of the streamers. That was a nice catch. And they said, look, you got to edit this. And he's like, I'm not editing it. So I'm gonna release it On my own website Then I'll just put it On YouTube

YouTube it's got like Fucking 7 million views now In like a month Schiltz is the best He's genius Did you see the shit He put up about Kanye today I didn't see it yet

Pull up his Instagram He's the best This Kanye's losing his mind He's helped me a lot With this too He actually I did his podcast But he came up

He goes Give me I want your clip person I want to Put me on a text thread With them I want to tell them Exactly what helped me a lot with this too he actually i did his podcast but he came up he goes give me i want your clip person i want to put me on a text thread with them i want to tell them exactly what he's another guy who doesn't covet he's just like dude i'm going to tell you what to do do what i say and shit's going to happen and he is 100 right he figured it out and he shares that information if you want it and he's helped me out so much. He's a great guy. He's a great guy, man.

He's a funny motherfucker. And he's on the path. He's fucking focused. He's on the path. Did you find it? I had to type his entire name in to get his name to pop up. Ah, he's Shadowban. Hold up, but put it up for the beginning.

He's like a classic Hollywood star from back in the day, too. His looks. You gopher-faced Deutsch bag. This week, Kanye went on a media blitzkrieg. He threw so many stones at the Jews, he's now an honorary general in the West Bank, which is soon to be the only bank that will accept him. JP Morgan actually canceled his account, so the only transaction Kanye is going to have is when Caitlyn drops off the kids.

So what exactly did Ye say? Well, hungry, hungry Hitler went on drink champs with the most bloated cheeks I've ever seen on a human. The guy looks like a ninja turtle just had a root canal and proceeded to spout off more hate than a West Virginia water fountain. He claimed George Floyd was killed by fentanyl. Wrong. Kanye, we have video evidence of a throat getting crushed and don't worry, Kim's not in it. We blame the Jews for trying to silence him. Yay, the only Jew that's ever kept your mouth shut was the dentist that wired your jaw.

I hear some people saying Kanye did bring up some very strong points. Yes, these points. That's it. Kanye isn't the free thinker he claims to be. He just regurgitates the talking points of the latest pseudo-intellectual leech around him. The only original thoughts Kanye's ever had are Amber, Kim, and Julia. So is Kanye insane? Selfishly, I hope he is. I'd rather believe this is the behavior of a guy battling bipolar disorder than accept I've been supporting a black skinhead for

decades. So my message to you, chipmunkunk cheeks is simple. Get better. Better friends, better therapists, better perspective on the world, and better meds. And good luck, because you're gonna need it. He's so good man. That thing that he did, the America series that he did on Netflix, like that, those like fast-paced, he developed like a new kind of stand-up that you could do with no audience on Instagram because he doesn't have to wait for the laughs. So he just hammers you bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. Because when people were doing like Zoom stand up, it was terrible because there's no laughter

because there's no audience. I never did it. So what he figured out how to do is get rapid fire punch lines so that when you're watching it on your phone, it's fucking genius. Yeah. So he starts it on his phone. Remember, turn your phone sideways. He does that.

That's great. Amazing. It annoyed me. I texted him. I go, dude, I fucking want to hit you with a shovel. Because I literally was like, ugh, I got to turn it. I got to watch it. And then he takes that and does it to Netflix.

And it was fucking genius. It was a great move during the pandemic. Yeah, it's guys like him who figured it out. And I love that. That's why this thing with Louis, it's like I can do this and get it out there and people can go buy it and we don't have to ask. Yeah, you don't have to do anything.

That's the future because these fucking people that were the gatekeepers, they don't know what they're doing. They just don't. They're executives. They're not artists. They're not comedians. They're not funny.

So if they are funny, they've never done stand-up. If they'd done stand-up, they'd be doing stand-up. That's not what they do. So them telling you to do that is like me telling someone how to play football. I don't play football. I don't know what the fuck to tell you. I can say what you should do, but I'm probably going to be wrong these guys they just get in the way and so to have someone who does it like louis or like schultz or like someone like that that's what we need that's the

future well it's funny too because like louis said to me i was like dude i got this whole thing on weight he's like i don't want that i want you to just kill just i want you to do a club set like you're at a club and kill For an hour that's all I want out of you I got that hour I got it It's like so It's not like that theater Where you do and the thing swoops in

And you deliver the thing It looks great it looks perfect I love that this is a thing now That people are just figuring that out You know and Louis really is at the front of the line Of that shit Louis and Schultz And Schultz absolutely I love that this is a thing now, that people are just figuring that out. And Louis really is at the front of the line of that shit. Louis and Schultz. And Schultz, absolutely.

This is the future. The future is not these fucking gatekeepers and executives. All those people are like, if you say some wild shit on a special and then someone tries to bring it to a streaming service and then the people start getting upset and protesting. That's on them. Who greenlit this? Who said Bobby Kelly can say these things? I get it from their perspective. They've got mortgages and kids in private school.

I know what the fuck is going on, but that doesn't help us. It doesn't help the people. No. Because you're not seeing stuff that you might think would be offensive, but you laugh at it, and that's our job. Well, also, how many people are complaining versus how many people are enjoying it. It's a lack of perspective because they're only paying attention to the people that are writing emails and making these fucking campaigns. And those people are losers for the most part. The people that get upset at a comedian telling jokes to the point where they want to contact sponsors and contact banks

They don't have anything going on with their life and their thing is to try to get some sort of a result Right out of their efforts and their efforts are negative to cancel you if you don't like it You don't have to listen if you don't like a Quentin Tarantino movie where Brad Pitt Smashes a woman's face on a mantelpiece Don't watch it greatest, but that's the movie. That's theashes a woman's face on a mantelpiece. Don't watch it. But that's the movie. That's the fit. That's the art. You don't have to. There's a lot of films that I don't like. There's a lot of rap lyrics that I don't agree with. But that's fine. You don't have to listen. You don't have to watch it. But today's kids, these activist minded kids think that they have some sort of a civil civic duty to try to remove you from the entertainment ecosphere.

Right. And this is what they have to deal with if they're at Netflix or if they're at any of these places. Well, they made comedy punk rock again. Yes. It's wild. And it's like you did the wrong thing. Yeah. You did the wrong thing because now we're just going to go do it ourselves.

I remember we were trying to come up a name for the special and i said uh he's like what do you got i was like um can we call it remember aids because that's one of my jokes and he goes yeah yeah if you want to call it that i go you sure he goes dude yeah fucking call whatever you want that's beautiful you can call it fucking dead crack babies i love his last specials name sorry it was the greatest with it behind the giant sorry behind it was unbelievable it's amazing i was like dude where is the sorry i want that he threw it out i was like i would have put that threw it out to a giant sorry i was like i would have put that on my like my my land in New Hampshire. I would have put it in the woods. Just in the back, like hikers walking.

Yeah, all rusty, covered with leaves and shit. Could you imagine being a hiker just walking through the woods? Is that sari from the Louis C.J. special? That'd be fucking epic. Holy shit. Yeah. Yeah, he's great. The whole thing is, this whole thing that they pushed us into this corner, and now we're

just doing, we're just helping each other, which is amazing to me. It's like, all right, we don't need you anymore. Well, it happened at the perfect time because all these things sort of combined together. And one of the things that happened was the internet. And through the internet, we no longer are competing against each other. So we're all now assets to each other. Because we do each other's podcasts, we support each other's standup support each other's stand-up like if someone's got some cool shit i put it up on my instagram all that stuff just helps everybody right and instead of like the like when i was coming up in the 90s when you

would get on a sitcom like i remember there was like all this resentment from other people that i knew that like had agents that sent them out for the same roles so we would you know if like we're all like kind of the same age and there's like a guy who's like a fucking character on a sitcom you're going up for it he's going up for it and if he gets it you're like fuck that could have been me right and you see him on the CBS promo smiling you're ah, that could have been me. I remember when Kevin James got his sitcom. And when he was, they were like playing these ads for the sitcom. And I remember some comedians like, that's not even fucking, fuck that show.

I go, you're saying that because you wish it was you. Like, what are you talking about? You don't think it's funny? It's funny. Watch it. It's a funny show. You're only upset because you feel like because someone else is successful somehow or another it took something away from you. Right.

But it doesn't change the fact that it's successful. You're only damaging your own mind by thinking that way. Because you have the potential to have dreams come true. Things you felt as a little kid or places you wanted to go or things you wanted to get or the life you wanted is this potential that that could happen in this business, right? Yeah. If I was a painter, I mean, you're going to paint. But in this business, you could become that thing that you dreamed about as a kid. But in this business, you could become that thing that you dreamed about as a kid. And there's a time when you have to realize, at least for me, where I looked around one day and I'm trying to become this thing. And I'm like, I'm successful right now.

I have a house. I got a wife. I got a son. I have two cars. One's a truck and one's a Honda CRV a son I have two cars you know one's a truck and one's a Honda CRV I but I have it

like I have all this stuff from talking shit from talking shit I'm I did it I'm out whatever whatever else I have

is gravy is gravy I have friends real friends and I'm like I did it that's making it that's making it yes is gravy. I have friends, real friends, and I'm like, I did it. That's making it.

That's making it. Yes. And I can go on any stage and fucking make people laugh. And you know what the opposite of that is? There's people that are very successful. They're very famous. They have shows. They have this.

They have that. And no one likes them. Yeah. They're the opposite. That's not making it. It's not making it. You think you're making it because on paper you're successful. So you're always trying to compare your success to other people's success.

Yeah. And you're always trying to stay ahead of them because it's the only thing you have. That's it. Because you don't have the friends and you don't have the family. And you don't have love from your peers and just fun times, hanging out, talking shit. You don't have gratitude. Right. You don't have gratitude, right? You don't gratitude.

Every day I wake up in the morning and I don't touch my phone. First thing I was, I was, I was touching my phone. I don't touch it. I sit on my bed and I think about what I'm grateful for. It's usually my kid, my wife,

my friends, my family. And all of a sudden I smile every day. I start to smile. That's awesome. And then I go about my day. Because if I wake up and I just go and I grab the wheel and I just start, I fucking smash into shit.

Right. You're on momentum then. If I wake up and just take that five or ten minutes to just think about all the great shit that i'm i'm grateful for and it's not any fame it's not any it never goes there it's always starts with my son and then it goes to my wife and i and things around like us things we're gonna do and i'm like oh and i just start to smile and then i'm good i'm good if i don't do that i'm yelling at somebody or i'm fucking angry and the the anxiety sets in the fear sets in because anxiety and fear turn into anger for me

and then all of a sudden i'm like this fucking guy and this and then i'm like but i'm at the point now where i can be like chill go sit down think about what you got. It's great. It's fantastic. You know? Yeah. And now, that's why I bought the tiny house. Like, in the middle of the pandemic. I'm not rich, dude. I don't have a lot of money. You know?

I mean, after this appearance, my special will sell millions of things, and I'll be rich. And we'll get cars together. And I'll move to fucking Austin. And I'll fucking play your club. Get yourself a Chevelle. I'd love a Chevelle. It's my chevelle fucking favorite car such a badass car um but you know in the middle of it i'm sitting there i told my wife i'm like okay everything was taken away all the fame all the shows money i'm figuring out how to make money i i got us don't worry about it but we got each other i go i'm waiting to buy land in the country and I'm waiting to get the lake house.

I'm waiting to become famous, to become a millionaire, to be happy. No. Let's just do it now. Just be happy. Let's go be happy right now. I went and bought a tiny house from the tiny homes of Maine. This awesome couple in the fucking woods of Maine. They build these amazing houses.

Is it like a prefab where they put together? Do you get to design it online? You design it. We drove up there. I met them. They live on a 60... Do they have a website? Yeah, Tiny Homes of Maine. Go to Tiny Homes? They have 68 acres. They live on an old Christmas tree farm.

Oh, wow. So me and my wife and my son and my dog drove up there. It was like eight hours. We had to stop in Bangor for the night. And we went up there. They led us into their home. They're past Bangor? Yeah.

It's near Canada. Oh, Jesus. And we hung out with this couple. They're the coolest couple ever. There it is. Yeah. Tiny Homes of Maine. Good on that one. That's my house right there. Which one? The the right that's the one that's my that's what i have right there wow so that

that's fucking cool where the bed is is our living room that's max is my son's uh loft that's where the kitchen table is where the couch is and you know and then you could take those stairs up to my sleeping loft and so the kitchen table folds out no well it can but we leave it out and then uh yeah like that's fucking great we have a full kitchen full bathroom shower so it's like a giant camper it's well yeah yeah it's funny yeah it's it is but they they you customize the whole thing and it's fucking cool. And we went up there.

We met with these people. We hung out with them. And we bought the house off them. And it's not that expensive. That's great. And they take it out on wheels. Well, we didn't. Oh, you had it built out there?

No, they drove it down. They drove it down from Maine. Yeah. Oh, so they drive it down in a giant truck and then they piece it together? We had to buy the land first. We went from their house to New Hampshire and bought, I bought two and a half acres in the White Mountains of New Hampshire. Wow.

And, but behind my land is 500 acres of forest. Oh, wow. So we had my contract, the guy bought the land off of Barry, such a great guy. And he did all the land. So we had a septic put in we had dug a well that thing's hooked up so we we just so now solar power anything up there not yet we have power i have k i have wi-fi i don't have cable there's no cable we have a wi-fi because i do my podcast and up there so in the summer june and july we go up to new ham New Hampshire and my kid goes to camp in New Hampshire and I go out of there.

So if I do get a gig, it's got to be a big gig. I'll leave there. So this whole summer, two months, I was up in New Hampshire in the tiny house. It was the best summer of our lives. My kid was going to camp. But you go to camp in Westchester, you're at a college pool playing in dirt, you know, kickball in a schoolyard. You go up there, dude, he did a sleepover on an island.

He's canoeing. He's hiking 4,000-foot mountains. I gave him a pellet gun. He's shooting a pellet gun. I gave him a bow and arrow. We're going to get our hunting license next year, me and him. Really? Yeah, dude. It's

like, I love, he walked out in the woods one day, he woke up, he had all camo and he was out in the woods with his bow and arrow just walking around. And I was like, fucking thank you. Thank you. That's great. And you don't need anything, dude. You don't need anything. One thing I learned when I went to LA, remember pilot season? Oh, yeah. Ugh. Ugh. So anxiety-filled. Yeah, it was like-

Everyone's freaking out. It was three months. You'd have to go to L.A. for pilot season because that's where they did all the casting. Yeah. I remember that. I first went in 93. It's terrifying. It was just-

It was so weird. I remember I went out there. I rented an apartment in West Hollywood, and there was one fork, one spoon, one knife, one plate, one bowl, one cup. Was it one of those apartments like, what are they called? Oakwoods? Remember those?

You know they had those prefab places? Yeah. That's where I stayed when I first moved there. Norton stayed there, too, and he had cockroaches. Oh, yeah, everything. Coyotes. This was a dude's apartment above a garage. Oh so you just like an airbnb okay and uh i realized that's all you need is one i need one fork yeah i need one spoon i don't need yeah just wash it

75 yeah so when we got this i was like baby we don't need we don't need it we don't need all the space we don't need all the shit we're it. We don't need all the space. We don't need all this shit. We're together. I mean, you have to love your family. If you get a tiny home, you can't love your son and like your wife. Right. Cause you're a murderer. Like if you kind of like your wife, get a house, get a place you can hide. Yeah. But, but you can, it's, it was so you never even think about it. I remember when I first moved to LA, it was in 94. And I got an apartment in North Hollywood. And it was a nice apartment with a loft.

And I had a pool table in my apartment. And I would come home to my apartment. I'm like, this is crazy. I can't believe I live here. This is amazing. And then after a while, I got used to it. And then I remember sitting down on the floor of my apartment one day going, Oh, okay. It's just home. Like you get used to everything. Yeah. And even if you're like, like now I live in a really nice house, but it's just a house. You get used to it, you know? Yeah.

Like every, it's just home. Like it's very, most things like that, like big, giant, crazy things. They're very overrated. They're not worth the effort that it takes to acquire them. And you don't get the level of satisfaction out of having them that you think you would. There's some things you're going to enjoy in life. Like there's some things that I still enjoy. I still enjoy cars. Like I still enjoy hot rods and I still enjoy, like I get a wild thrill out of driving them. It just feels, it's like taking a drug. It's like, Like, I get a wild thrill out of driving them. It just feels good. It's like taking a drug.

It's like, ah! It's fun. But most of those things that people try to acquire, they just look good to other people because they're unattainable. Because, like, you see that big house on the hill, like, wow, who lives there? The guy who lives there, that's just his fucking house. That's it. Once he gets in there and he's watching TV, it's just a fucking house.

Yeah. You know, he's eating dinner. It's just a house. Yeah. gets in there and he's watching tv it's just a fucking house yeah you know he's eating dinner it's just a house yeah if you don't have good quality of life inside of that like a wife that you love children that are happy if you don't have that then you have nothing it's nonsense i would wake up every day and while we're up in the tiny house and i just walk i'd walk with the dog i just walk in the up the country roads every day i would walk up the streets with the dog and take a,

you know, a three mile walk and come back. And then I'd meditate for like 20 minutes out in front in the woods. And then my kid would come out and sit with me. It's like, that's the shit you do. Yeah. Like five o'clock.

I remember five o'clock would come around and we just jump in the truck and go fishing down the street. Oh, that that's awesome until the sun went down and then we come back and we grill and then i'd start a fire we sit by the fire and have the shit scared out of us every five seconds because you think you think well the thing is when you're in like at my house in westchester if you hear the something in the woods, it's probably, you know, a Jewish guy. There's a Jewish temple behind my house. You know what I mean? It's a neighbor or something.

It's maybe a squirrel. When you're up there, if you hear something, it's something. Like it's not nothing. Like you have to, you kind of got to be ready because it could be something. It could be a bear. It could be a deer. It could be a bear. It could be something it could be a bear it could be a deer it could be a bear it could be fucking anything so it is like no matter how much i want to man up and be like it's good

we're good you know i have that flashlight you're like this every five seconds looking for eyes but there's something about that there's something about that fear of it's exciting dude there's something about the woods man that scares the i am petrified in the woods i'm petrified i'm petrified like when me and ari went out to the woods and we went camping i i did it with paul versi one that was the funniest thing ever though i took paul versi up in the woods um how did he handle it versi's the best dude dude he shows up with fucking camo nikes he's like these are good right i'm like dude just because they're camo no you're gonna lose them these are hiking these are hiking nikes i'm like no no no and then i go i go dude okay so i i prepared his backpack and my backpack for a night up in the woods.

I go, okay, I'm explaining everything. I go, okay, here's your poop bag. He goes, what? I go, your poop bag. You got a trowel. He goes, what do you mean? I go, when you have to poop, you can't just shit in the woods, dude. You can't.

You got to dig a hole, shit in the hole. I explain the whole thing. He's like, all right, dude. Okay. So we're driving up there and he's just off in the whole thing. He's like, all right, dude. Okay. So we're driving up there and he's just off in the distance. And he's like, I'm like, what's up? He's like, listen, here's the deal. I got it.

I got to figure it out because I can't shit in the woods. We're going to go to Dunkin' Donuts right now. We're going to get two sausage egg sandwiches each. We're going to get a large coffee each, iced coffee. We're going to truck it down, suck it all down down that's going to push all the shit out of us we're going to shit at dunkin donuts and then we'll be good for the night we'll come home tomorrow be good i was like all right so i go to dunkin donuts we get the sandwiches we get there we eat it drink it and we both shit dude it worked it fucking worked as a plan we shit at Dunkin' Donuts.

We didn't have to shit all night. Then halfway up the mountain, I go, you got your blanket? Where's your blanket? Because I didn't see it on his back. He goes, I left it at the truck. And I was like, oh, fuck. He's like, am I fucked? I go, dude, it's like an hour back.

I go, you're fine. But I knew, people don't understand, camping is not comfortable. It's not. You're not going to, all the gear you can get, you're not going to be comfortable. Unless you're car camping at a KLA or something. You get cots and whatever.

I was like, you'll be fine. And I knew it was going to drop to like 60 something. You know? So we got all the way up there where, you know, I got my Japanese saw and he's cutting the wood and we're getting all the stuff and we found a little site and we cooking sausages on sticks and he made a vampire spear for some reason. I don't know. He's like, dude, just in case.

A vampire spear? It's a spear. Like a steak through the heart type deal? Like he sharpened it and everything? Dude, he made a vampire. Are you serious? That was the only weapon he brought? That's it.

He's like, dude, in case somebody comes, I'll fucking, like a vampire, I'll stick him to the heart. Oh, boy. Was he serious or was he fucking a liar? 100% serious. Dude, I'm like vampires, dude. You know what I mean? 100%. Dude, you stick him right to the heart.

Good. But you didn't understand when the sun and everything's up, it's great. It's awesome. It's the woods. It's beautiful. But when the sun goes away and it's dark, something happens. And I am. I'm still frightened.

You get scared, dude. Yeah, it it's scary you don't know what's going on it's natural instincts it's a weird feeling when that sun goes away and you have that little flashlight and you have the light of the fire and there's nobody around for a long time and if you do hear somebody

if you know it's weird it's a weird thing and we got up there and we we hung out and you'd hear coyotes in the distance and you'd hear you know stuff in the bushes and stuff walking towards you and it was great just to see him panic you know and i had to kind of keep my shit together then we went to bed and uh he had no blanket and it dropped to like 65 Which is fucking awful. Did he have clothes that he could like double? Oh, he woke up I woke up the next morning

He can't he had my little solo tent a little my little Ultralight tent and I was in my hammock. I had a really nice hammock our mechanic is awesome hammocks And I woke up and he comes out of the tent he had all his clothes on so he had shorts on his head he had shorts and stuff he had socks on his hands he woke up just took all his stuff and put it on because he was so fucking cold and we both snore so i would wake him up and then he would wake me up. Oh, no. All night, dude. It was fucking, it was epic. Going with him was one of my funnest times ever, because he was so like, what the fuck?

You come the next day, and it's shit all over. Dude, it was freezing out last night. He goes, I almost, he was going to jump on the hammock with me. He was like, dude, I almost got it. Oh, boy. Yeah. I want to do a solo trip by myself, but my wife won't let me do it. That's sketchy.

Why? If you get injured. Yeah, I guess. Break an ankle, you're fucked. I'm fucked. You're going to crawl for miles. You know, you got the new iPhone SOS. Yeah, the new one.

You know, where you can call somebody. But I just think that I'm so afraid of it, Joe. I'm so afraid of going out in the woods by myself that I just want to do it. I just want to. I have a lot of friends out in the woods by myself that I just want to do it. I just want to. I have a lot of friends that do solo hunting trips. Can I say that one? Yeah. They go with a large pack on their back, and they go out deep, deep, deep into the woods,

and they'll spend a week out there hunting by themselves. And if they get an animal, they pack it out on their back. They're bow hunting too. There's something about that where it's like, I wish I could go back 10 years and learn how to do that. You can learn now. You're alive now. Yeah.

You don't have to go back. I hate when people say that. I wish I did it when I was younger. Yeah, but you didn't. So you're alive right now. And when you're 80, you'll go, oh, I wish I did it when I was younger. Yeah, but you didn't. So you're alive right now. Yeah. And when you're 80, you'll go, oh, I wish I did it when I was 50. No, you're absolutely right. Yeah.

I mean, I am going to get, I'm going to take a hunting course next year when we get up there, me and my son, because he wants to hunt. Do they have courses up there? Yeah, you can take a course. I think it's a three-day course. Oh, that's great. You can jump in. So we're going to take that.

It's just like, who's the guy that i saw you and callan go out with steve ranella yeah i love his show oh he's great i love him i love it and i see him just go out there you know by himself with a with a backpack and just sleep on the on the ground yeah like no tent no not just fucking curl up on the ground. It's like, you know, like the fact that we did that not too long ago, you know, when you think about it, what, 150 years ago, people were doing that like nothing. It was normal. It was normal.

It's normal for Steve. Steve Rinell, when we, we went mule deer hunting a couple of years back in Nevada and he fucking slept on the ground. He just lays out a sleeping bag on the ground because it was summer, because it was pretty warm out where we went. And, you know, just fucking climbed to the sleeping bag, fucking goes to sleep on the ground. It's right there.

No tent, no nothing. It's fucking crazy. No, it's okay. I love it. I'm a big fan of Westerns. Yeah. And they would just, you know, pull over, light a fire, have some coffee. Just lie down. And just lie down.

Yeah. The pillow was their saddle. And the thing is, when that fire goes out and you look up at the stars, like, oh, it's so peaceful. It puts it all into perspective. I love going to the woods. When I go hunting every year, whenever I come back, I tell my wife, like, I need to do this more often. And it's not even just about killing an animal and eating it. It's, it's really about the reset, like going out there and being alone and being, you know, away from civilization completely and seeing wild animals and hearing them and, and stalking them

and going up the mountains. It's just everything about it is, it requires all of your focus. And it also, it's like a good reset for my mind. It makes me miss my family. It makes me miss my friends. It makes me very appreciative of things and it just puts it all into perspective. It just, there's no cell phone service up there

so you're not checking your social media. You're not doing shit. Yeah. All you're doing phone service up there, so you're not checking your social media. You're not doing shit. All you're doing is just up there being one with nature, being a part of nature. Yeah. And to know, you have to know about the things you're in. You have to know about nature.

You have to know about trees. You have to know about plants. You have to know about the animals. And it's a long learning curve. When I first when I first went hunting with Ronella was 2012. So it was 10 years ago, that video with me and Callan. And I didn't know jack shit. I mean, I'd been fishing a few times, but what had happened was I'd seen a bunch of PETA videos and I was like, okay, I'm either going to become a vegetarian or I'm going to become a hunter. Because I don't want to be a part of this factory farming thing. It's just horrific.

And so we went and I shot that deer right there. That skull that's on the table, that's the reason why it's there. That was the first animal that I killed and ate. I ate it all in like three months. And I was like, I can't wait to go back. That's what I want to do now. I just want to eat wild animals. Yeah.

And just go out there and get my own food. And just the reset alone. And Callan and I had the best time. Because he got two comics and a bunch of these like hard-nosed fucking, you know, like hard camping hunters. And Callan's taking a shit and we put like a silver flag in it. We put a flag in his shit and I took a picture of him and he's like sitting there squatting. We had a fucking blast. We were just crying, laughing.

Cause Callan, if like he has a captive audience, he's one of the funniest motherfuckers alive. He really is. And he was, he had this character that he did called the ravine comer so he Go to a ravine and pretend like he's coming in the ravine And like not doing it justice we were fucking tears. We were butchering a deer Wow Callan's pretending to jack off into her ravine. He's pulling his pants down So we're always seeing his butt and he's like pretending to jack off into a ravine. He's pulling his pants down so we're only seeing his butt.

And he's like pretending to jack off into this ravine. He created this character. Oh, my God. It was so fun. Even in that show, he was fucking killing it. Oh, my God. And so much of it we left out. We have to leave out the ravine comer.

The ravine comer never... That's not the name of the episode? It never made the cut. We had so much fun. But it was also beautiful. I remember we were eating over a fire. I think one scene actually did make it in because when I went to shoot that deer, I had to crawl to a position and lay the rifle down on a rock to get a good spot,

and I crawled right over a cactus so I had cactus thorns all over my legs so I had my pants down by the fire I think that's a there's a video of it online of Callan with needle nose pliers pulling pulling cactus thorns out of my ass and legs while we're eating this meat over a fire. That's a friend. Oh, that's a friend. But when we were there eating that meat over the fire, it was so satisfying and the meat

was so good because it was so fresh and it was like, you know, we just put salt on it, like maybe salt and a little pepper and we're just frying, you know, but we're grilling're grilling it over this fire and I remember thinking I want to do this for the rest of my life Yeah, like this is the most fun the most the food was so delicious and it was so satisfying And if you've never had wild game before like people have this idea like gamey taste badly. No, no, no, no No, that's nonsense That's just the only time me taste badly no no no no that's nonsense that's just the only time wild meat is gamey is when people prepare it wrong when they let it go bad or that it gets dirty or the glands of the animal and when they're in mate when they're in the rut when they're mating yeah they have a tarsal gland

that's a gland on their leg and if you puncture that gland and that the the scent gets on the meat tastes like shit right but that's just a lack of proper preparation. You just have to be careful and treat it with respect. The meat is delicious. I feel like everybody should know how to hunt. Because if stuff does go south, I remember in New York with the blackout. I don't know if you remember that back in wherever the fuck it was. if you remember that back in wherever the fuck it was,

I remember it turned so wild when that sun went down, there was no lights quick a day. I told my wife, I go, I go, there's no electricity. All the delis were given out their ice cream. Uh,

it was all every, you know, and everybody was having a good time. I go, where are you? She goes, I'm down having margaritas in Soho. I'm going to get your ass on the highway and walk home right a good time. I go, where are you? She goes, I'm down having margaritas in Soho. I'm going, get your ass on the highway and walk home right now.

Wow. There was people, regular people directing traffic because people were almost getting killed because there was no streetlights. People trying to get out of the city. So there was not enough cops. I go walk up the West Side Highway, get home. The big high rises, there was no lights.

People had to walk in these dark hallways 40 flights no elevators so people were like staying on the bottom floor with flashlights to help people up to their apartments wow and i remember we took a walk one block we were on 40 43rd between 10th and 11th. We walked up to 9th and we turned around because it was chaos. You know who didn't give a fuck? Who? Homeless people. Look at that. Is that what it was like?

Yeah. Look at that. Wow. That's one day, a few hours without electricity in Manhattan. And it turned crazy. What about the people that were stuck on the trains? Yeah. Dude, they had to walk out through the subway.

Walk out through those tunnels with all those fucking rats, dude. They had to walk out through the subway. Walk out through those tunnels with all those fucking rats? Yeah. They had to walk out through the... Bro. And there's actually buildings in New York. I don't know if you know this. There's townhouses. They look like townhouses, but they're empty.

They're actually subway escape routes. They're vents for the subway. It looks like a brownstone, but inside it's a vent for the subway. And if people get stuck in the subway, they actually come looks like a brownstone, but inside it's a vent for the subway, and if people get stuck in the subway, they actually come out through that brownstone. Look at all those people walking out through the subways. How long did the blackout

last for? One night. That's it? We walked up to 9th Ave. There was barrels on fire. A homeless guy came up and we, with a friend of ours, grabbed the girl's ass, like stuck his hand in her twat. It was like.

Oh, Jesus Christ. And we turned around and went back to the house and just sat in the house. I stayed up all night. Wow. I mean. That's one night. That's one night and the city went chaos. Look at all those people walking on the bridge.

Holy fucking shit. Holy fucking shit. Look at all those people on that the bridge holy fucking shit holy fucking shit look at all those people on that bridge is that crazy that's scary wild that frightens me that's wild well that's a zombie movie right that's how it goes down look at that cool motherfucker with a saxophone that dude probably got all the pussy he got all that pandemic pussy look at i mean it's whip back i mean that means shit right now. It's shit. The sun went down.

New York City was just like being in New Hampshire. We had a power outage out here. Was it a year and a half ago, Jamie? Yeah, February. February of 21. And it was weird. It was weird because it snowed. And so no one out here knows how to drive in the snow at all. And then the roads iced over because they don't have plows. So it was like freezing rain and then, you know, worst conditions ever. Freezing rain first, then snow. So you have a layer of ice over the roads and then you have snow on top of that. And people sliding off crashing into each other no one knew

what the fuck to do they all have suvs four-wheel drive they don't know how to use it well they have suvs with street tires on them they have like a cayenne you know a porsche cayenne with a fat well it's like fucking sports car tires yeah they're terrible i have a 1995 land cruiser that i had built for the apocalypse i had like i'm coming to your house comes down to tons of meat Literally, yeah, I've commercial freezers filled with meat. I have three commercial freezers here filled with me. I'm not fucking around I find yeah, no, I keep wild meat I give a lot of it to my friends and I cook a lot of it But when the shit goes down the real problem is not meat It's bullets like how how many bullets do you have?

Like if you have a box of bullets, what's that, 100 bullets? You know how quick 100 bullets goes when you're hunting? You're trying to find meat? Like how good a shot are you? Do you know about the wind? Do you know about keeping away from, like you have to have scent.

Like you have to have a scent, a wind catcher. Or a wind detector. So what it is is like talcum powder, and you have to have a wind catcher or a wind detector so what it is is like talcum powder and you have a little bottle like when you hunt you squeeze this bottle in the air and a mist of smoke like talcum powder goes in the air

and then it drifts which way the wind goes it's a wind detector so you know you have to be on the right side of the wind if you are above the deer and the wind is blowing down towards them, they're going to run away from hundreds of yards away. So you have to plan the wind correctly.

So as you're walking in, you've got to plan. Like, it's not easy. Like, the idea that, oh, yeah, oh, I've got to go and I'll be fine. You're not going to be fine. First of all, the animals are going to figure out real quick that they're being hunted. So they're going to disappear and they're going to go nocturnal. And you're not going to find them. Plus, people don't know that So they're going to disappear and they're going to go nocturnal and you're not going to find them.

Plus people don't know that, you know, you think that if something goes down, you just go kill a deer. It's like, no, you get to kill a squirrel, kill a small animal and eat that unless you know how to gut that deer and get that meat prepared. Yeah. And if it's hot out, the deer is good for one day. One day. Yeah.

So you got to know how to smoke it or whatever you do to it to keep it. You're going to have to jerk it. You're going to have to take it and cut it. You're going to have to jerk it off. You're going to have to jerk off the deer. Take it. You're going to make it, slice it into thin pieces, and you're going to have to dry it out. Yeah.

And even then, it's not going to last forever. You have to salt it. We're fucked. There's a lot of stuff you have to do. We're fucked. We're fucked. Not all of us. You're not fucked.

I'm still kind of fucked. Because then the real problem is not animals and food the real problem is people that don't have animals or food that's the real problem is that the other people that are around you yeah like if you're in a highly populated area and it runs out of food it doesn't matter what you have like your main problem now is other people that are desperate right and you can only give them so much like you can't give them everything you have so even if you want to help out the only way you got to have a community and then everyone in the community has to chip in and you have to know that you can counter each other so you become an asset to each other and not like a competitor right it's like the walking dead shit yes exactly the zombies weren't the

problem the problem was other people that's right and that's fucking real like in manhattan if like if manhattan gets hit with a nuke you know and then the power goes out and then all the people in westchester and all the people in connecticut are the only ones that survive oh i saw that episode with uh what's her name tulsi gabbard i love her she scares the fuck out of me with that. That commercial? Well, the talking about Russia, like that sort of explanation

of how quickly things can go badly and how we're contributing to that by funneling money and funneling arms over to Ukraine. As much as you think of what Russia has done as horrific, we're on the verge of nuclear war right now. And there's a lot of people that are profiting off of that. Unfortunately, there's a whole industry of arms manufacturers who are accelerating that. I would suck if my special becomes a hit and then the fucking bomb hits.

And, you know, no Americans can even travel over to Russia. It's fucking dangerous. Brittany Griner is over there, you over there rotting in a fucking cell. They gave her nine years for having a marijuana vape pen on her. Meanwhile, like in America, we have Russian fighters that fight in the UFC all the time. They're 100% safe. They come over here, they fight. Pyotr Yan from Russia is fighting for the title.

He's fighting this weekend. We have plenty of Russians come over here. They get treated fine. But if you're an American, you go over to Russia, you're fucked. Not good. It sucks because we were kind of cool with them for a minute. Yes, forever. Yes. Dude, Roy Jones Jr.

became a fucking Russian citizen. He did. How? He's friends with Putin because they love him for his boxing. He had some fights over there and would Because, you know, they love him for his boxing. He had some fights over there and, you know, would go over there. And so they gave him a Russian citizenship. He got a Russian passport. Yeah, we were cool with them for a while. Yeah.

They were fucking wearing our jeans and shit. Oh, yeah. It was great. Loving us. I remember, who was it? It was fine. Noam from the Comedy Cell, the owner. You know him?

Mm-hmm. Love him. One of my good friends. He's a genius, too. he's a lawyer he's a master musician he owns the one of the best clubs in the country and he would go over there his band would play his band would go to russia and do shows which was fucking great i just go over there and do shows his friend my friend andy or something has business over there so they just all go over there his whole band do shows for a week, and then come back.

During the fucking invasion, Louis was scheduled to do shows in Ukraine. Yeah. And I texted him. I'm like, what are you doing? He's like, I'm over here hiding in a bomb shelter. I'm like, no, I'm not going. He's like, I'm getting the fuck out of here. He was a day from doing it, though.

He was going to do the show, period, even though they were invading Ukraine. He would have been fucked. Wouldn't be good. No. No. Did you ever do any of the USO tours? No, I didn't never No, I thought you would have done those. Yeah I went over there. I was Quinn. I went with Dane and Quinn. I Want Quinn the first time when I went with Quinn it was right when the war started and It was scary man, I mean it was right when the war started. And it was scary, man. I mean, it was scary.

I can imagine. We landed in, we were doing two shows a day. So you'd fly in on a Chinook. A helicopter. Yeah, we were doing helicopters. I remember we flew in and we were at the palaces. They didn't, all the, They had 36 palaces or something and they didn't bomb any of them. They sent

one rocket through his bedroom window just to let him know what they could do because they used all those palaces as camps, as bases because they're already fortified. So they didn't have to make a base. They just used it. So I stayed at Uday's palace.

I took a shit on Saddam's gold toilet did you really? I got a picture of me taking a shit on his gold toilet where's that picture? I think it's on my MySpace remember MySpace? what happened to Tom? Tom fucking cashed out

Tom made it but where is he? I don't know but he's a hero Tom never fucked with us. He never edited anything. Never. He was your first friend? Yeah. He was your friend. Remember that? He was sitting there sideways. He never canceled anybody's account

for misinformation. Love Tom. Imagine going back to that time and thinking what the internet would become. No one would have ever imagined. No one would have ever imagined. I mean, me and you were kind of, you were doing it, I was doing it, websites, you know, videos.

But it was so new. No one had even an inkling of what it would become. You know, it was all, it was so strange because all it was was like, you know, you had to find out about a cool website And you would go that you weren't even using search engines Yeah, you would find out about a website from your friend like hey You've heard of the style project go there you go there

You see like people getting eaten by animals and shit bullet wounds and stuff and wild crazy shit Yeah, you had Joe Rogan dotnet. Yeah, and you used to write blogs. I had a buy.com. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, there was a real estate guy. Where was he? I think he was in Idaho. I forget. I think he's in Iowa. Iowa.

No. Idaho? Idaho. And that's water and this is coffee. There's water in there with him. Thanks. But yeah, I had a buy. JoeRogan.com.

I remember you had it. I invented social media. How'd you do that? Fucking great response. How'd you do that? Fucking perfect. Not questioning it at all. Remember guest books?

No. Okay. There was a website. You could just up called, it was a guest book. So your fans could come and leave comments and you could read them in a reply to them. Oh. It's just a guest book, like almost like at a funeral or a wedding. What year was this? Jesus, man.

This had to be 97, maybe 2000. No, it had to be before then like right when i got to new york and um it was like you know you could um leave a comment and they leave a comment and so what happened was is i had this thing and all these fans would come and leave comments hey i saw you here blah blah oh thanks for coming and i turned this guest book was supposed to be for funerals and weddings you'd use i used it for comedy and then norton keith robinson billy burr dane they signed on as you know other people and started to fuck with you to fuck with me norton norton was norton was mr aids and he said he said uh robert kelly's comedy is as funny as child rape with half the laughs

i mean it was nuts it was crazy like and then like, I remember I knew who people were, but they didn't know who they were. And they started fighting each other. So I remember, like, Burr would come on and say stuff about, Burr was, I think, Dave and Chris and Keith Robinson was KWR superstar or something like that. Dane was, I don't't know fucking to the top or some shit right and they started fighting each other and it was dude they were taking like days to go out and write like articles about each other and they were smashing each other it was fucking brutal i'm talking thousands of people were going to this every day just to read these fucked up comments that comics were saying about each other as aliases. All of a sudden I get a thing in the mail.

You have to stop. It's from the FBI. What? Child services or something. It had a logo of these little kids just like sad, you know, and it was kind of like blurred out and had like three little kids, kids just sad. And you have to take all the swears, your language, you've been reported and you're going to be fined $5,000 and jail time. And I had to go, I panicked. I went through and I had to take all the fucks out

and the swears. I took all the swears and stuff out and then I got another letter. It's like, it's not enough, the things that are being said and I shut it down. Was this serious? There really was the FBI? A year later, I'm on tour with Dane

and I'm like, dude, remember that site, man, that fucking thing with the, I'm like dude remember that site man that fucking thing with the i'm so sad that's gone remember how fun that was he goes oh that was me it was him pretending to be the fbi he goes dude i couldn't take it anymore i was spending two like two nights in a row all night trying to write i couldn't do it. I was like, what? I just created social media. It was the hottest thing in the world. And he couldn't handle it, so he killed the whole thing? He killed it. It's like when a kid's losing at a video game

and he unplugs the box. Dude, he unplugged the box, Joe. Oh, my God. Dude, it was nuts. And he didn't even tell anybody. Dude, he didn't tell me. And I was like, nefarious. Dude, it was nuts.

That's kind of nefarious. That he pretended to be the FBI? Dude, it was nuts. I mean, dude- Child services? Dude, it had a logo, a phone number. I remember calling the number going, can I please talk to somebody? Like, there was a number.

What happens when you call the number? I don't know. It left a voicemail. It was just bullshit. Wow. But that was like the first- I mean, I got petrified that I was going to get sued.

What a crazy way to handle the situation. Instead of just getting out and not reading it, he decides to kill the whole thing. He's killed. I was like, why did you tell me?

It would have been hilarious is after I douched it. He was like, dude, that was me, you fucking idiot. But a year later, he tells you?

Yeah, weird. That's so weird. Yeah a year later he tells you? Yeah, weird. That's so weird. Yeah. That's very bizarre behavior. Yeah. I remember we used to have websites. I had crazy websites when they first, remember websites were a thing?

I had a website. I want to put it back up just for like a couple months. I walked out, me, I walked out on the top, like me as a person walked out and I grabbed the mic and I went, and it just went and all the balls sprinkled around. And then there was a ball in the middle that was my face. But when you touched it, it was liquid. Really? Dude, I had the best fucking websites. Who designed it for you? I have this guy, Kurt Iverson. Dude, I had the best fucking websites. Who designed it for you?

I have this guy, Kurt Iverson. He's just this genius dude from, he was from Kansas City. And he did my websites, but he was just a genius. He would go out and just, I would say, this is what I want. And then he would just create it. Where do you think this goes? Like, we're looking back on the 90s on websites like, wow, remember that? And now everyone is just deeply involved in social media and very few people put any time into their website now.

Yeah. Where do you think this goes? Do you think it goes to like augmented reality or virtual reality? I think VR. You think like the metaverse, that kind of shit? Have you used the VR yet? Yeah. The Quest?

Yeah, I have. When Zuckerberg was here, he showed me the new version of Meta, which is out now. It's the new version of Oculus. It's incredible. One of the more interesting things was that you could tour places. Like you can go to the Louvre in Paris and you're walking around. And so like you could just like go to there and then it's like there's people around you moving around because they filmed it while there was a crowd there yeah so it doesn't feel exactly like you're there but it's pretty fucking close you can go to a comedy show i went to a comedy show i sat in the front row and i turned around and there was people next to me and the comic looked at me and went like this wow i was like what's up and i saw a comedy show on on on quest on oculus wow I mean, it was crazy. That's going to happen. So you could put a camera here.

Yeah. And people could sit in on this podcast with us. Well, they're doing virtual reality UFCs. Yeah. They're going to do that. Or you're going to be, like, inside the fucking octagon, which is crazy. Like, you're going to be, like, right there watching. You could probably

sit wherever you want i bet you could probably sit in the crowd or you could probably be watching from the octagon itself i love it i love technology i'm a big fan i love gadgets i love new shit and i i love that you can do that um number one it's too big they got to make it smaller they got to make it because you put that on you can only have it on for a certain amount of time yeah number two um it's got to be cheaper i mean the new oculus that my uh facebook is doing is 1700 bucks it's like dude you got a computer you got to make that 200 bucks somehow and smaller so that the average do. But it's scary to me because during the pandemic, I was going to movies with friends. We'd all put our Oculus on and we'd meet at the movie theater.

Really? Dude. What movies? We watched Caddyshack one night. My friend plugged it into his computer and we went in and we, what we sat down in the movie theater, all of us, eight of us in the movie theater watching Caddyshack. And it was my little avatar that I made. And I was looking over, we're throwing popcorn at each other.

We're getting drinks, throwing stuff. I remember it got really fucked up for me because other people could come in too. Cause it's, it's, it's open to the universe. And I remember a chick sat next to me. Because other people can come in too because it's open to the universe. And I remember a chick sat next to me. This chick with a mohawk sat next to me. And she was like, hi. And I was like, hey.

And we waved. And I was like, I got like, oh, I felt like I was cheating. That was probably a dude. 100%. 100% it was some fucking dude from Minneapolis. Yeah. But I still had that emotion. Right. 100% it was 100% it was some fucking Dude from Minneapolis Yeah But it was It was Like I still had that emotion Right

Like it's a real person A hot chick sat next to me At the movie theater Now wait till it gets to the point Where that person can touch you Yeah And you feel it Is this the movie screen?

Wow Yeah So you can You can pick what theater you want So you walk in You sit down Yeah And you watch the movie

Just like you're in a movie theater Just like you're in in a theater. Are you talking to each other? Yeah, you can talk. You can't verbally. I can't forget. I remember you could write stuff and it would come up or something in the chat or something like that. But yeah, dude, we were in the theater. Look at that. This is incredible. Experience 3D movies together. Play your favorite PC games together. Wow. Can you do first person shooters, Jamie? You can, but your favorite PC games together. Wow. Can you do first-person shooters, Jamie? You can, but they're not good yet. Look at that. They're not good?

No, they're not good yet because we're used to playing Call of Duty and all that stuff. They don't have that? They have it, but it's a version of it, and it's not good yet. There was a time where they were talking about doing these multi-directional treadmills. Have you ever seen those things where you wear like a- Am I having a stroke or did a star just shoot across the ceiling? Yeah, a star. I was like, shit.

I'm going to stroke on- Yeah, everybody freaks out about that. Yeah, I'm sorry. I should probably tell people. It's the last game they have for it. What is this one? So you move with your feet by moving your hands like that? Yeah, they go like locomotion or something.

Oh, that looks stupid. No, but they do have foot things now. They do have a thing that you put on your shoes and you just walk. Oh. So they do have it. It's just not everybody has it.

So they are getting close to where you'll put the gloves on. So now when you go to Oculus, remember how to use those little thumb things? Now you can, it scans your hands and you don't have to use those things you can just use your hands oh your hand it's it's nuts

to me your hand comes up in front of your face and it's your hand it turns are you holding anything in your hand nothing wow nothing he didn't describe this to us but i read it in their article of they asked zuckerberg what what else do you have that's cool that's coming and he said ekg might be what it's called they have sensors for the wrist it looks probably like this strap from like my whoop strap and it's reading the way your wrist moves so the way they have it working right now is you put on like the sunglasses and you can do like a little like typing motion but they have it so that you can play video games with it and move your hand like a joystick. But they,

he said they have it developed to the point in testing right now where you don't even really have to move your fingers. You can just sort of like think about it and it'll start doing it for you. Like you can play a whole game without even moving. So you'll attach something to your feet and then something to your hands and then you'll be able to like take your gun and explode it and then change parts, make it into a different gun and then bring it back and fucking start shooting people. What I had seen was there was a thing

where you were in a small circular treadmill but you're attached at the waist. So the treadmill moves in any direction and you move it with your feet. You know those treadmills where they're self-propelled? It's not working on a machine. It's like your foot is making the wheel spin. Well, it's that, but it's circular. So you move in any direction and you're carrying like a plastic gun and then you have the virtual reality headset and you're running around like you're in a real first person shooter, but you're stationary. But it's like you're strapped. Is that, have they made, is that like a concept?

It's not, but I don't believe that anyone's got it to the point where it's like good. Right. It's not there yet. That would be perfect. Like that kind of setup, if you had that kind of setup where you have a small treadmill and there was like a railing around it.

Yeah. Here's a video of five different versions of it. Like there's one where you can sit down. Oh, that's ridiculous. Yeah, that's the foot thing. So you're just moving your feet around as you're sitting. So that's the one I'm talking about. That's the one.

So it's like this circular thing. So you can kind of go and it's called the virtualizer. That's what it is. And so you go in virtualizer elite two. And so you move around. And so as you're moving, you're actually getting a workout, which is pretty fucking cool too. Cause like, you know, dance, dance revolution. Yeah.

Fucking kids lost shit loads of weight and got in great shape because they got addicted to that game. And so it's like rewarding because the game is fun, but you're actually getting a benefit out of it. So if you have this, this virtualizer, a different one. So this one is different, but it's the same kind of deal. Like you're actually using your legs to move around. And when you're doing this, you have a haptic feedback suit on. So if you get shot, you feel it. And look at that guy's running.

He's actually running. So you're getting a good fucking workout. Yeah. The problem is, is that most guys who game are like, you know, 400 pounds. Right. But you could lose weight like this. The same thing with the Dance Dance Revolution thing. Like a lot of people started out fat, but, you know, in Dance Dance Revolution, you have to move your feet really fast to get a good score.

And so if you're doing this and the faster you run, the faster you actually move in the game, that's fucking amazing. Well, they have boxing on it, which is, dude, if you do that, it kills you. Oh, it does. And they have workout videos too. Yeah. They have workouts. You can go on the oculus the only thing is is that thing is just so heavy on you it's less heavy the new one's less

heavy once they make it smaller where it's less heavy you'll be able to go to the gym and work out with a trainer in your living room virtually virtually i mean did you try the porn? No. Listen to me, man. I'm listening. I will never go back to it because it's too. Too much. I was at the Comedy Connection in Rhode Island and they had the thing. It goes, put this on. And it was a porn. And I'm sitting there. It's after the show.

I'm at the bar. All the waitresses and bartenders and the other comics are over there. I'm sitting in a chair. And I put this on and this girl comes up. She's like, Hey baby. But she's right there looking in my eyes and I'm looking around at her kitchen. Like I'm in her.

And then all of a sudden you look down and you're, you know, you get these muscle legs, you look fantastic. And then she starts talking to you. And I started, she started doing stuff to me. And I started, I started moving. You started humping.

I started. Air humping. I was like, get these off me. I was literally just like, it's crazy. And what's going to happen is the next level is going to be some sort of a neural interface where you're going to feel touch. I mean, whether it's 10 years from now or 20 years from now, that's coming. What you're going to do next, I think, with these things is you can customize it. You can customize it.

So if there's a porn star you like, like I'm friends with Bailey J. You know who Bailey J is? Oh, yeah. She's trans J is? Oh, yeah. She's trans, right? Trans, yeah. Her husband, Matt, is a good friend of mine. I love them both. But you'll be able to, like he was talking to me about it.

He goes, the next stage in porn is virtual, where you could hire Bailey or any porn star you want, and they'll do do you'll go And do the porn Like wow, but it's yours And it's virtual so you keep it so you can go back. So you go actually have sex with her. Yeah Oh film it film it. Oh, you know what I mean? Whoa, and you'll have that porn Forever where you can just put it on

And have sex with whatever porn style you want virtually in your living room you can relive that moment over and over again wow yeah virtual porn is nuts because you can see the person that you're there they're looking in your eyes right like if you watch regular porn you're just a fly on the wall observing it you know but when they look when a when a smoking hot chick is looking at you and going baby baby what do you want me to do you start talking back you go i want you to and it's like you took it off immediately i took it off immediately dude i i won't go back because it's the matrix. It's the matrix. I mean, the matrix, it's funny was that movie came out. We're like, Oh, this is fun. Cause it'll never happen.

We're there. We're pretty close. We're like at the door. We're reaching for the doorknob to the matrix. We're ready to open up the door and step into it. And some people are probably further ahead than others. And then again, these neural interfaces like Neuralink, when things like that, when they start doing that and they can send signals directly to your brain, whoa. I was thinking of this and I decided to Google before I asked you, have you heard

of AI porn yet? Because I imagine using all this AI technology we're seeing online right now, they have to have been working on this. And it turns out they are. Of course. And this is what comes up on Google. They look pretty good. The thing about it is, like, you could say this is, like, non-exploitation porn, too, right?

Because it's not an actual human that got raised by shitty parents. You know? This is like, you don't have to feel bad. Because the problem with porn is when some girl's like, when she's gagging and her fucking mascara is running you're like what happened to you that's the problem the problem is like you want to think she's just a free spirit and she's like very healthy and she just enjoys sex and she gets off on it but the reality of that like sort of like public display of sexuality is oftentimes it stems from abuse yeah unfortunate i mean this is yeah this is i mean they have it they have it if you if you google porn now if you're doing a little

porn they always have this type of stuff it fucking aggravates me because it's so loud like the the uh the uh commercial before they have commercials before porn now you have to sit through for six seconds. And it's always ten decibels louder than the actual porn you're going to watch. Right, just like old commercials. Remember when TV shows would come on and the commercial would come on and wake you up?

Yeah, so you'll be in your hotel room trying to get some whatever, some best friend's mom porn. And all of a sudden it's, you want that big boy? You want that car? And you're like, ah. Lower the volume. Yeah, you got to lower it down.

But they have that virtual porn. That's going to be, I mean, it's sad because we're not going to leave our houses, man. We're not going to go anywhere. You're not going to go to New York City. To your tiny house in the woods. Yeah. You're not going to, you just walk the woods. Go on a trail.

You know, go in the woods. You're going to go to anywhere you want to go. You'll be able to go and just walk around. Virtually. It's going to be, you know not gonna you just walk the woods go on a trail, you know go in the woods You're gonna go to any way you want to go you'll be able to go and just walk around virtually It's gonna be notice is gonna be Wally remember Wally. Yeah, but just fat people. Yeah. Yeah, we're ready player one Yeah, I wasn't that was a fucking great movie fucking movie. Yeah. Yeah, are they doing a two you said did you read the book? Right the book I read yes I mean the the movie and the book for the first one were not the same thing so i don't know two would just be different story too it'd be great though like like even my special if yeah that was if we if we did virtually if i if we

if we put a virtual camera i think it's the setup is weird you have to put it in a front row seat and it has to i don't know you know it has to go up in a certain way and. You have to put it in a front row seat and it has to, I don't know, you know, it has to go up in a certain way. And then you have to join these videos together. You have to like put them together the way you put it together. But think about that. If you could go, if you're all over the world, if you could go and go to my special live the night we taped it, I could have sold tickets to the special worldwide. Like you're filming your next special.

Come see it. You don't have to be where it is. All over the world. Come sit front row at my special for 50 bucks. You can be at the special. And everybody around the world puts their goggles on. It's front row at your special live.

That's amazing. That's fucking nuts. They have it where you're going to be able to go to football, basketball. You'll buy a season ticket to a game, and you're sitting there at the game watching it live from the 50-yard line. Wow. That would be great. That would be great. That'd be great.

Again, like the UFC thing that they're doing. Yeah, UFC. Which they're already doing. When is the first one supposed to happen? I was trying to find the video I saw of it. It says it's like with UFC Fight Pass. Mm-hmm. So is it one of the smaller productions?

Because UFC Fight Pass has a bunch of farm sort of leagues where guys start out and then they wind up making it to the UFC afterwards. Yeah. LFA. Yeah, LFA. LFA is one of them. That's a big one. So they just did it.

Oh, they did it already. I mean, that's what it says. It was on the 14th. Do they have like a video preview of what it looks like? I'm trying to find that. Yeah, between that, games, porn, entertainment, movies, all that. Yeah, they're setting us up for the Matrix. Yeah.

It's just a slow burn. And it's going to be fucking weird as shit, dude. shit dude oh wow this is the person's view you can see their hands so that's like my seat yeah that's like my seat when i do commentary right there that's crazy it seems like it does change a little bit and i don't know you probably don't have control over that from my experience watching other streams but maybe they might have changed that now too. It might not change views. I mean, that's awesome, but there's nothing like being there.

No, there's... You're getting the commentators in the air, which you don't get live. He's busted, he's bloody, but he's still very much in this fight. Look at that. Nice elbow scrapes. Look at that choke.

What is that? That's the menu that popped up. This is literally off of someone's helmet. Oculus. This is literally off of someone's helmet. Oculus. This is pretty fucking good. This is pretty fucking good. Oh, he's got the choke. Can't help but commentate.

Yeah, he's got it. He's turning the wrong way. He got it. There is a new lens that Canon has developed that I've seen some content made, and I tested it with the Oculus to see what it looked like. It looks like stuff is right in front of you, and you can reach out and touch it. It's very strange how well it looks. But the way you make that, it has to be an 8K,

and it's a very intensive computer process right now to get that done. So it's very, like, short content. You can watch it with that. Is it because there's, like because it's too much data? Yeah, it's 8K for each eye. And the way that that's done is it's making it on, it's a split. The lens, instead of being one camera,

it's splitting two and making one file. I'm not even explaining it very well. So that color correction doesn't get fucked up and everything looks exactly the same from the same source it's very hard to match two things up this is fast

it's fast I talked to my grandfather who's a hundred and I go what's the greatest piece of technology you've ever seen and he said

the radio fucked him up the radio fucked him up fucked him up he goes I can't I was I couldn't believe

a voice was coming out of a box do box from somewhere else. And now to think about this shit. Do you remember the story of Orson Welles, The War of the Worlds? Yeah. Orson Welles played, he read from H.G. Welles' War of the Worlds. It's H.G. Welles, right?

The book? He read the story on The air and they read it like it was news reports. Yeah, like that. We're being attacked by Mars and People started freaking the fuck out because if you didn't tune in in time to hear that this is just like fucking this is a performance People thought when they tuned into the radio that we're being attacked by aliens yeah so what year was that with the war the 19 what 1938 so 1930 halloween 1938 the infamous war of worlds radio broadcast was a magnificent fluke orson wells and his colleagues scrambled to pull together the show and ended up writing pop culture history. So this was 1938.

And yeah, so it was the H.G. Wells classic, The War of the Worlds. But I believe they added things to it. Like they made it seem like there was legitimate news broadcasts. And it caused a nationwide hysteria. And he was 23 years old when he did it. Oh, by the next morning, 23-year-old Wells' face and name were on the front page newspapers coast to coast, along with headlines about the mass panic his CBS broadcast had allegedly inspired. I think people killed themselves. What?

Yeah. Jesus. I think, see if there was a suicide I think at least one it might have been just a report of a suicide to like sensationalism because journalism was very hard to fucking vet back then I Wonder if that's true because I do remember Saying that people killed them or that reading that people killed themselves Saying that people killed them or reading that people killed themselves. There was a lawsuit in 1960 about it.

Dude, I had this guy on the other day, Ryan Graves. He was an advanced fighter pilot for the Navy. And in 2014, they updated all of their radar systems and they started seeing UFOs everywhere. So all over the East Coast in the ocean, when they would travel out the ocean to run these training missions, they started seeing these objects that defied physics. These objects that were like 25 feet wide, they were hovering totally stationary with 130 mile an hour winds, which he said just doesn't make any sense how they could do that. It wasn't drifting back and forth. It was just completely stationary. And then they would move off at close to the speed of sound.

They would fly in formation. They would go in and out of the ocean. And he said people had reported these things before. He goes, but once they updated their radar systems, they were finding these things on their radar every single flight almost. He said 90% of the missions that they did, they encountered these things. He said they just didn't know they were there before. But why, like I believe in aliens.

I believe there's other life. I believe in all that shit. But why don't they, I don't understand, like why don't they say hi? Well, we don't know what the fuck they are. We don't know if they're drones. Is it some China shit? It could be. We don't know if it's from another country. We don't know if they're drones. Is it some China shit? It could be.

We don't know if it's from another country. We don't know if it's our stuff that they don't have information. Like if a ship just came down right now in Austin and we could, would you go and check it out or would you go the fuck home? Go the fuck home.

Go the fuck home. I'm not going to be the first guy that gets to eat. Not go. Look, imagine how when I go to the woods looking for an elk, they're going looking for a fat person.

I'm not going to be that guy. No. I'm not going to be that first guy that gets eaten. You're not going to be the people on top of the building in Independence Day, and then they just blast it out. I'm out too. Yeah, they're going looking for dummies. I'm going right up into the woods.

Yeah. Going to my tiny house. Fuck that. Hopefully we're the last people they find. If they're here to help us, you'll find out about it eventually. You don't want to be one of the first guys to get scooped up like Richard Dreyfuss in Close Encounters of the First Kind. That fucking movie, that was wild shit, man.

I remember that movie, all of a sudden people started seeing things in the sky. They pretended they saw things. Everything that science fiction, it seems like it's coming true. If you look at Star Trek, we have better technology now. Way better. Than they saw things. Well, everything that science fiction, it seems like it's coming true. Like if you look at Star Trek, we have better technology now. Way better. Than they had then. They didn't even have the internet. They had walkie talkies.

They didn't even have cell phones. It was Kirk out. They didn't have video chat. They didn't hang up. They had a stupid flip phone. Meanwhile, they could transport to another planet. They had David Tell's phone. I love him.

He has a flip phone. He does. He's the best. He's the best. He's the best. Yeah. Yeah, they didn't anticipate the internet. I mean, that was the big mind blower. So if they wanted to take you, you wouldn't go?

No chance. Fuck you. So if they were like, Joe, we're big fans of your podcast. We've been listening. Good. Be a guest. Come sit right there. You'd have him in here?

100%. How great would that episode be? That would be insane. I would 100% have an alien on the podcast. If you're hearing me, I think I already have had one on. What? Elon. He's been on three times.

You think he's an alien? Yeah. Yeah, he's not one of us. You think he's from another planet? He's either one of us from the future or he's from another planet. You see him blink sideways or something? There's just something about him. He's either one of us from the future or he's from another planet. You see him blink sideways or something? There's just something about him. He's too smart.

I liken our friendship to the intellectual equivalent of a boy and his dog. It's like when I talk to him, I'm like, we're not the same thing. He's so advanced. He's running like four different world-changing industries simultaneously. Yeah. I mean, who the fuck else is running an electric car business along with an internet satellite high-speed data business along with a revolutionary rocket business that could not just shoot rockets into space but have the rockets land? Right. They come back and land. Right.

No one's been able to do that before. This motherfucker's doing that while he's doing three other things. And the boring... Oh, and he's digging tunnels under cities and shooting cars through them to fix traffic. He's running all these things simultaneously while he's making kids. While he's making like nine kids. Do you ever think that you were back from

Massachusetts that you'd be hanging out with a guy like that? No. Is it crazy? I barely could imagine being a professional comic. That was the goal. When we were kids, the goal was, I mean, I started out with Fitzsimmons, and we did open mics together, we traveled together, and I remember we always would talk about the goal was to be a professional. Imagine if we didn't have a job.

Imagine. Because Greg back then was working for a catering company, so he would do catering. He'd serve food for people, and then he would go and do the open mic nights and shit like that. And I was driving limos. And in the beginning, I was teaching martial arts. But I got to a point where I realized I could not teach the same way. I was not fully invested in it.

And it felt wrong to me. I wasn't giving them my all. Yeah. Cause it was very important to me because it was important to me as a kid when I was, you know, when I had instructors that were really good. And so then when I started running a school and I realized that I wasn't all in anymore, I had to stop. So I had to stop fighting. I had to stop teaching. I had to stop teaching. And I had to really concentrate on comedy. One of the things, like this guy said to me, it was kind of a rude thing to say, but I knew he was right. When we were like six months in, this kid, fucking Jonathan, I forget his last name. But he was one of the guys that I started out with.

And, you know, we were all open micers. And we were all just talking about comedy and this and that. And he said to me, he goes, yeah. He goes, you started out really good. He goes, but it seems like somewhere along the line you just started kind of coasting. And I was like, ugh. And I couldn't say anything. I couldn't go, fuck you.

I was like, oh, my God, he's right. I remember thinking that. He's right. He wasn't being mean. He was just being honest. And it hurt because it was accurate. And I remember thinking, and he wasn't trying to be a dick either. He was just being honest. And it hurt because it was accurate. And I remember thinking, and he wasn't trying to be a dick either. He was just telling me.

And I remember thinking, oh, man, he's right. And I immediately said, I have to quit. I have to quit fighting. I have to quit teaching. I have to quit. I have to be all in on this comedy thing. Comedy, you have to be married. It has to be your lover.

You got to be all in. I remember you gave me the best advice ever. You remember the first gig we ever did together? What did I say? A Cool A Cool. Remember that? Oh, yeah. Dick Daugherty.

Comedy Hut. Comedy Hut. Remember that? Yeah. It was in Cambridge. What did I say? I saw you do that comedy, the MTV thing, and you were my guy. You were the guy that was like, that's comedy to me. All this other seven minute bullshit

and evening at the there was just garbage to me so i finally dick doherty you were coming to town and i was like dick i want to work with joe please please and he put me on the show with you and i ran up to you after the first show and i was like hey man and you were so cool and i was like hey man can you please give me advice like what do I do like just give me a little advice you're like yeah no fucking advice don't take any advice from any comic ever ever just get on stage that's all you have to do get on stage and become who you're going to become this business will shit you out or you'll be a comic and you'll figure out who you're supposed to be by getting on stage you know if i tell you what to do you're going to be fucked if any don't listen to anybody just do stand up that's all you told me and i was like that was it pretty solid advice best advice ever got i mean

really best advice ever got you know well i think i would revise that i would say people can give you advice they can give you advice on like economy of words they can give you advice on you know how to develop timing and you know how to not present your jokes sure how to just kind of be yourself as you go as you get better sure but as a young comic just getting on getting on stage was the key I think back then I was 24 or 25. You might have been 25. I think I was 23 or something. Yeah. How old are you now?

52. Yeah. Okay. Well, I'm 55. Okay. So I was three years old. Yeah. Yeah.

So we were just kind of figuring it out. And I was just becoming a pro back then. That was when I was already living in New York and going back and forth to Boston. Yeah. And I was just legitimately becoming a headliner. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you would go up and, I mean, I remember we did it, the show.

And I did great. I thought I did great. And you went up and you were like, what's up? You had this, I don't know, intense. It was over. Like it was a different show. I remember you just went up and you murdered at a chinese restaurant in cambridge those are the best those are the best days yeah i love those days

those days were fun no responsibility no money no money no money wasn't about money no doesn't about money it wasn't about anything it was about getting on stage and getting laughs. And trying to become a professional. The Kaloons, I remember that. I mean, my squad was Billy, Patrice, Dane, Gullman, Bob Marley. Yeah, Bob Marley, the king of Maine. The best. He's the king. He's the king. When you go to Maine, he sells out fucking multiple shows and theaters every night.

Yeah. He's a killer. And he's one of those guys who was in LA, got all the deals, and then set him out. Yeah. I'm going to be happy. Yeah. I'm going to be happy.

Yeah. Sold all his homes, bought a house in Maine, and then he just tours Maine, and he's one of the nicest guys. He still tours occasionally other places. Still one of the funniest guys. Oh, he's fucking hilarious. I was doing a show at Just for Laughs,

and he rolled in at the end. We were all killing. 3,000 people at that big gala. He rolled in with a baseball hat, you know, because we're all, you know, got a nice shirt. Everybody's all dressed up for the gala. He rolls in with a baseball hat and a stupid T-shirt. Rolls in, fucking, doesn't swear, doesn't talk, no dirty, just murders. Just having fun yeah i first met him i was doing a show in bangor maine and he did a guest set yeah it was the first

time i met him he's living in maine i was like who's this kid some local kid wants to do a guest so funny fucking funny as shit real fun and had all this local maine humor and they were dying yeah they loved it yeah he was funny man he still is yes but he occasionally will see him like at the comedy works in denver he'll be on the schedule he gets out there he does get out there yeah but he does he tours around he's fine i love him i love i love the idea of him just saying forget about making it whatever that is. Yeah. I'm going to just have. Just be a normal person. And do comedy. Well, some people that were just so normal.

Yeah. That the whole idea of sort of prostituting yourself for Hollywood was, just felt so gross to them. They just couldn't take it for very long. Yeah. And they wound up bailing. Yeah. Which is, you know,

we all were tricked into thinking that the only way to be a professional comic was to get on television. Like that was all anybody wanted you to do. Like that was the holy grail was to become Roseanne Barr or to become Jerry Seinfeld, to have your own sitcom. That was the thing. So we all went out there and just like you got integrated into this weird fucking system where it just felt so the opposite of what we got in it to do. What we got in to do is to become Sam Kinison. We got in to become like those comics that we would want to go pay to see. Yeah.

I would always get fucked up going to LA too. Cause I was, you know, I've been skinny and fat my whole life and I would always be on one of my fats when I had to go to la and i felt like shit because everybody's you know i always just felt fucked up when i went out there like i i was just not what i was supposed to be you know what i mean because i felt like you know like you're supposed to look a certain way you're supposed to be a certain way. You're supposed to be a certain way physically. Yeah.

And that's not what comedy, you know, no comedy. You can be whatever the fuck you want. That's why I love Louie special. And I saw he had stains on his shirt or one of his specials. I was like, he's just funny.

Yeah. Like, well, he went back to that, right? Remember when he's wearing suits for a while? When? Oh yeah.

He wore a suit for like 2018, the special 2018. Yeah. It was a great special too while? When? Oh, yeah. He wore a suit for like 2018, the special 2018. Yeah. It was a great special, too. It's a fucking great special. And I remember talking to him at the store. He's like, yeah, I like going on stage with suits. You do suits now, right?

I occasionally do suits. I started doing suits when I started doing shows with Chappelle. Because Dave and I were doing these arenas. And then one day I showed up at the studio. Oh, we're wearing suits now. And then he started wearing suits. He would wear suits occasionally, and then I got David August to make me some custom suits. I'd done a few before with suits on,

but then we were doing the MGM. I did the arena, and I did it with Brian Simpson, who's fucking brilliant, Tony Hanch Brian Simpson, who's fucking brilliant. Tony Hinchcliffe, who's fucking hysterical. And this kid, Hans Kim, who's this up-and-coming kid who's a murderer. He's so good. He's fucking funny. And you'll see him tonight.

You coming tonight? We're doing a show tonight? Yeah. You'll see him tonight. And Brian's on tonight, too. Oh, great. And so we were doing this. It was a big deal.

We're going to headline the MGM Grand Arena. I'm like, I'm getting everybody suits. So I got a custom tailor came down, fitted everybody for suits. And we all wore these fucking reservoir dog suits. And we went up. And I'm like, this is the shit. It's fucking, it was just exciting to like, we got there, got to the arena, spark up a joint, put on the fucking music.

I brought like a big old bluetooth You know a speaker thing We'd crank up some fucking great tunes And we'd all fucking put our suits on We're ready to go to work We're fucking professionals I have a whole closet full of suits of different sizes My fifth fat

My fourth fat My sixth fat Well you look good man You look like you're losing weight I lost Yeah I lost 70 pounds That's incredible I got the gastric sleeve surgery fourth fat my six fat well you look good man you look like you're losing weight i lost yeah i lost 70 pounds that's incredible i got the uh gastric sleeve surgery though does they reverse that can they reverse that or is that like for life it's well there's three there's

dude i was 350 pounds i believe you said it best i saw the one with you and Louie and Joe. And you were like, Bobby ate himself into a shape. Well, when I first met you, you were young and thin and good looking. I was gorgeous. But I remember I've met you twice. That was so funny, too. It was such a perfect description. I met you at UFC 100.

And you came out of the back. You looked you looked at me you go what happened to you i was like i was like hey joe how you doing no it's been it's it's been an addiction for me since i was a kid it was my first addiction when i was a kid was food it was a kid, was food. It was, you know, I remember when my mom, I had an abusive stepdad for a while, five years. And I had nobody. And I remember I found food. Like, I would wake up in the morning and say goodbye to my mom in sixth grade, go out the front door, go around the back,

crawl into the basement. And in the corner of the basement, I had a little pillow and a blanket. And I just sit there all day and i would eat so you'd pretend you were going to school i'll pretend i was going to school because i was just so afraid i had no friends i had nobody and i was in a major depression i didn't know it and i would sleep in the basement and i remember i would just eat food like you know suzy q's and ring dings and it just made me feel almost like a friend you know um you know i just had a problem and i i uh i remember i got real big and then uh my sixth day my sixth grade teacher actually mr diperzio got me into running it was like all of a sudden i he became my dad you know he kind of took me under his wing and we were at the olympics you remember the the

sixth grade olympics and it was just horseshit thing but i remember we had to do the 440 all the way around the track and i remember he came up to me goes kelly you gotta win i want you to win and i remember i was like i'll win win. I'll fucking, I just, I just wanted somebody to fucking believe in me. You know what I mean? Yeah. And I remember I was racing against this skinny black kid, fast as lightning.

And I remember we running and I fucking won. I remember I beat him. Everything I had and I won and I just felt fantastic. I started jogging. I started doing marathons. Wow. But, you know, then I got into drugs.

After that, I found drugs very shortly after that in seventh grade. And then I, of course, went to jail. I think I went to jail the first time at 13.

Jesus. Yeah, that was terrible. What'd you go to jail for? Unarmed robbery, assault and battery, militia destruction, trespassing, and breaking probation. Holy shit. Breaking probation at 13?

You were on probation? I was on probation at 12. Oh my god, for what? I robbed a canteen truck of cigarettes and fucking I think Twinkies. Wow. So I got on probation for that. And then, yeah, it was terrible.

The first, I remember that we went. You went to jail at 13. Yeah. My bail was, I think, 10 bucks. And my mother didn't pay it. Because the judge said, she said, what do I do? And he was like, let him go through the system. Let him go. And my mother listened to him oh my god yeah it was bad because I remember I was in the jail cell Somerville courthouse the

jail cells downstairs the regular prisoners and the juvie stay downstairs so I had my own jail cell and I remember I was looking at her like, pay the fucking money. Because all my friends' moms paid. And they got out. They got out and I went, they take you downstairs. And she came down. And I just, I walked up to her and I was just crying. And she was like, Bobby, she's crying.

I'm so sorry. You know, blah, blah, blah. And I just turned around and started doing pushups. And, uh, then they came and got me and they throw you in the van. The regular prisoners would be in the back of the van and the juvies are in the front behind the drivers on a bench. And I just remember the real prison is just, Hey, little bitch, you know, just, I was shitting my pants and they take you up to Danver state hospital uh danver state gave there's a the morgue they gave to the detention the juvenile detention so you go up there it's called intake and you get up there and there's a bunch of other kids they strip search you and you got to get naked and do jumping jacks i'm 13 you. You got to bend over. It was embarrassing. It was terrible.

And you go into this room and there's all these other kids of all nationalities just in this room watching this one TV. I remember they came in with a box of deli sandwiches and chocolate milk and everybody ran over and grabbed and you grab a sandwich

and they had these purple onions on top, these wet onions because I think they were old Sandwiches that they would donate to the juvies and they all took them and threw it on the ceiling And I looked up on the ceilings. It was just years of onions Fucking Terrifying and then the kid comes up. He's like hey man when you they call you out ask him where you're going And if they don't tell you, it's somewhere bad. If they tell you, it's somewhere good.

So like Kelly, I went out. They start shackling me and they handcuffed me. And I'm like, where am I going? And he just looked at me and he shook his head. And they shackled me to two other 18-year-olds. I was 13. And they took me to the Charlestown Y. So the Charlestown Y, the bottom floor was the Y, but the top floor was a juvenile lockup.

So you had to go through the gym, go upstairs and they take you into this room. And they, again, I got strip searched. I had to get naked. You go and then you have to take a shower. I was 13. I had a little pecker. I think I had like, you know, four pubes and I'm showering with these 18 year olds next to me. I was 13 I had a little pecker I think I had like you know four pubes and I'm showering with these 18 year olds next to me

I was scared shit that night some kid got a pencil in his eye from another kid and then you go into this room with just bunk beds steel bunk beds filled in the room and the highway I don't remember the Charlestown Y

the highway with 93 was right there so it's just cars like as close as me and you were just whipping by on the highway all night long and uh yeah i went to jail and they from there you just go to another jail another jail for i think it was till i was 15 i was going in and out of juvie jails and foster homes jesus christ for uh for because once you're in, you're in. So if your mom had just paid that 10 bucks, you would have never been in. I'd probably be dead. Really? I'd probably be in jail jail.

Real jail. That saved me. And, you know, there's that thing where it's like, I don't know if you've heard that thing where, you know, you don't know, is it good or bad? I don't know yet. You don't know if something's good or bad yet. don't know yet. You don't know if something's good or bad yet. You got to wait. You know, you think something's terrible, right? But you don't know. It could be good. You just don't know yet. It feels like shit and it felt like shit.

But if she didn't do that, I wouldn't have got sober. I got sober at 15. I went to a place called the road back. I got arrested again, upstate New York. They shipped me back to Boston because I was a ward of the state you're owned by Massachusetts. So they shipped me back down. I went back to jail and then I finally realized like, look, drugs and alcohol, that's what it's not people, places and things. It's my drinking. It's my drugs. I go, I need to go somewhere. drugs everything i did everything anything you put in front of me i wasn't doing drugs because i like drugs i was doing drugs because i didn't want to be alone anymore i didn't want to go back to that basement by myself

you know what i mean yeah i didn't want to be that anymore that was terrifying to me so if i had to do drugs or i had a drink i would do whatever the fuck it took to have friends you know to have a group of people to belong because i didn't have anybody so these kids you know i got to the point where i what we would move around like i'd get out of the jail i'd go to a foster home and then I would go home from there. And my parents were somewhere else. Like they were in Spencerport, New York. They were in, uh, uh, Ben Salem, Pennsylvania. And I, what I would do is I'd go on the first day of school and I would get into trouble, go to detention because those are my kids. So I get in trouble, go to detention and I'd always have weed. I'd always have a couple of joints. And as soon as I got to detention and i'd always have weed i'd always have a couple joints and as

soon as i got to detention i'd lean over to the toughest looking kid i'd be like you want to smoke some weed friends immediate friends yeah sure we'd smoke weed and those are my guys and and then i'd hang up with them for the duration until in bent salem i wound up running away and getting arrested again. And then in, what was it? Spencerport, New York was the last time. I got drunk. We fucking stole gumball machines. I went to jail for gumball machines. It was stupid.

It was terrible because, you know, I mean, I drank a half a bottle of scotch. I drank a bunch of beers and we did whippets. And they were like, i want these gumball machines so i just took them and smashed them and the cops came i remember i was running from the cops down the railroad tracks i hopped the fence and as soon as i hopped the fence it was a shotgun right in my face and the guy made me get down the cop he's like freeze get down the ground and he goes if he moves shoot him and i was like it was gum oh my god they took me to jail up there and it was that was the worst jail i've ever rochester new york was the worst jail i've ever been in and uh you know they put

me in a room and that was the first time i literally asked for help i was just like help me please just help me i'm done i know i know it's drugs i know it's alcohol please help me get help i need it um whatever i just gave up i gave up the first time i was like this is it and uh then i went to jail to boston they flew me on a plane remember i was smoking on the plane wow i asked the flight attendant, can you give me a light? She just got me a light and I lit up on the fucking plane.

Because you could smoke on planes. Smoke on planes. I was 15. Wow. And right when I got off the plane, there was two state troopers waiting for me and they handcuffed me, took me to jail.

And then I met, I met this guy in NFI Shelter Care. Was this Yitzhak. It was this Yitzhak. His name is Yitzhak. He developed this system for juveniles that it was called open door setting, normalization. There was no locks on the doors at NFI. There was no, you know, guards. They had people there at night, but you could run.

You could leave. Walk right out the fucking door but they incentivized you 30 days you got steak 60 days without a run lobster dinners they incentive they gave you responsibility as a kid and they we all kind of formed together to kind of keep each other in check to receive these benefits. And they gave you, you know, help. You know, they talk to you instead of these other places just went in and did your time. This place was all on you.

We had school. We could go. We went. They took us to the beach. They loaded us in. I remember they took all these juvies. We'd load up in a van and go to Gloucester or Wingershiek Beach and we'd just sit on the beach and have fun. They gave you these incentivized things to not leave. And then the guy came up to me. He's like, you can go to rehab. We got you set up. You can go to six months co-ed or you can go

to a year all boys. And I was like, what do I do? He's's like knowing you you're all boys if you go with his girls you'll fuck up you'll fuck up you'll try to bang the chicks you'll try to have sex and you'll fuck it up so I did I listened I was like okay and I went to the road back it was a house again normalization no bars no nothing I showed up and I was sitting in this room. This guy, Tom Tompkins, used to be, had a lot of money. His wife was a famous opera singer. He was in show business. And he lost it all from alcoholism and drugs.

So he started this house called The Road Back. And I remember I was sitting there petrified and all of a sudden he comes down. There's all the staff and there's this one kid fucking being, fuck this place. I don't want to fucking be here. Fuck this. I want the fuck out, screaming and yelling. And he came down the stairs, old dude, gray beard,

psoriasis, he had a misty cigarette, you know, those little slim and sassy, just smoking it. iAssist. He had a misty cigarette. You know, those little slim and sassy. Just smoking it. He came down. He goes, where's this fucking fuck up? Where's this cocksucker that wants to leave? The kid's like, me. He's like, you want to fucking leave? You want to get the fuck out of here? Get the fuck out.

There's the door, you fucking pussy. One of the counselors, the new counselor was like, hey, maybe we should. He goes, fuck you. You're fired. Get the fuck out. He goes, you want to go? Fucking leave. There's the fucking door.

Okay. I'm trying to save your life, you little fuckhead. I'm trying to save your life. If you want to fucking live, stay here and shut the fuck up. If you want to leave, get the fuck out. But I care about you and I don't want you to fucking die and the kid starts crying and he's like yeah okay are you staying or leaving because i'm gonna stay he goes great i'm glad you're staying because you're gonna you're gonna save your life now

and then he goes where's kelly i'm like right here and he goes meet me upstairs and i went upstairs the sweetest human being i've ever met i mean he was he just saved my life this guy was the best person i've ever met in my life he he used to take us to his house to build entertainment systems and he would fucking give us elio's pizzas and little cakes and shit. I thought he was trying to fuck me. You know what I mean? I was like, you know what I mean? Because every once in a while,

these kids would just take off in the van. I'm like, ah. He's like, Kelly, come on, let's go. I'm like, ah, I got to fucking suck this guy's dick now. Fuck. Fuck. I got to blow this old guy in his house for cakes and pizza.

You know what I mean? But he didn't. He just fucking wanted us to get better. I remember he would give us old clothes. He had cashmere sweaters. I didn't even know what the fuck that was. He had all these clothes from when he was rich that he would give us. Because we had no clothes.

We had no money. We had nothing. So you're going to aa meetings so a year 14 months of my life i was in this place where i was going to meetings i was going to groups and i was learning about my addiction learning about what the fuck was my problem you know learning to love myself learning to care about myself and i remember when i got out i was petrified you know the first day out 14 months later i haven't seen my family for for over a year and i got out and i i asked the guy, I go, what do I do? He goes, go to a meeting far enough away where you can't walk home and get a ride there, but don't get a ride home. So I did that. And I went to a meeting, a young people's meeting. And, uh, they dropped me off. I got the meeting and I kept

asking people right away, can you give me a ride? No. Can you give me a ride no give me right now all of a sudden this dude mark caesar long-haired dude sleeves chains rock and roll dude walks in i remember him from coming to do meetings at the place i go can you give me a ride and he was like fucking sure no fuck come on let's go he went over to the piano started playing all these chicks around him i was like what the fuck then we went to a bickford's and we talked about spirituality. We talked about program all night till like two in the morning with these hot chicks and him. And he was this rock dude from Berkeley.

And he became my friend, you know? And we wound up going to meetings every night and I got sober and I got my shit together. And he's still my friend to this day. He's still one of the funniest guys I've ever met. wind up going to meetings every night and i got sober and i i got my shit together and and uh still my friend to this day still one of the funniest guys i've ever met we used to go to a.a dances dude and like church basements on fridays and saturdays and just go down and you know always close on stairway to heaven and you get some chick two two months out of rehab she's still fucking shaking and you just dance you know i

mean yeah yeah it was i mean it saved my life that place and the nfi shelter care giving me the responsibility and the respect as a human being to make a choice and then this road back you know tom tompkins this he used to call me cunt head because if you fell a bunch of little cunts would fall out of your head because all i thought about was chicks you know what i mean yeah yeah i remember there was this girl in the program this is sad as shit ever this is when i first saw comedy too um uh this chick this blonde chick she had beautiful hay hair just gorgeous in the meetings and uh i could never talk to her you know we just would say hi and And we had this thing. I get out. They have this thing called IKIPA.

It's called the International Conference of Young People in AA, where thousands of people, young people in AA would converge on one town. And it was Boston. The year I got out, it was Boston at the Park Plaza Hotel. Right. So it's all young people trying to get sober. And I remember we all got hotel rooms and I went there and they did a sobriety count, dude. Thousands of people in the room,

all the way down to one day. It was like fucking, you know, 60 years. You know, all these people had these pro, 20, 30, 10, a week down to one day. And there was like this one girl that had one day. And the place just went. It was erupting. Wow.

And I remember I saw that girl from the rehab. And I went up to her and I was like, oh, my God. What's going on? I was like, I can finally talk to you. And she was like yeah yeah we should hang out and i was like yeah definitely we'll hang out later there's a comedy show if you want to go and uh she's like yeah sure meet me later and i remember i i gave her this red balloon i was like here this is for you because i didn't know how to pick up chicks anymore like i cleaned the slate

like when i was drinking i could pick up girls. When I became sober, I was fucked. You know, I started talking about one day at a time. And, you know, you just got to accept life on life's terms, you know? Right. Chicks don't want to hear that shit, right? So I remember I gave her the balloon. And then I saw her walking with the balloon. And I followed her.

And she went to an elevator with some dude. And I remember I went up. I saw the floor. And I went up to the floor. I wanted to go to the comedy show. It was starting. So I went down the hallway. And the balloon was in front of a door.

And I walked up to the door. And I just heard her getting blasted out by some dude. So sad. I took the balloon. I just walked back down the hallway. And I remember I went to the comedy show. And I sat up front. And there was these two guys there and they were fucking man.

I was just like, oh, my God, this is this is nuts. I was dying laughing. How old were you? I had to be I had to be like 17, 17. I was probably 16 or 17. And and I remember I reached up up the guy who said thank you good night the play and i reached up and the guy reached down and touched my hand and i was like he fucking touched me that's why i always take a picture i'll always shake somebody's hand after a

show if someone want i'm you know what i mean. I always do that because that fucking affected me so much You know Seeing that show took me out of that shit that I was just holding a red balloon about to kill myself and drink again You know and that show Lit my world up and I met I just I went to a meeting after that. I was fucking great I was solid after that. Wow. And when did you go on stage first?

I went on stage. Were you thinking about it after that show? I was thinking about it constantly. Before that show or only after that show? After that show. I actually went to school. I was in high school. I went back to high school, and then I got a scholarship to Bunker Hill Community College for art.

I was going to be an art teacher. So I went, you know, my art teacher in high school was just awesome. The two of them. And again, my whole life, I always thought somebody was trying to fuck me.

You know, it was this pot chick and this old gay guy. And I was like, ah, they want to fuck me. You know what I mean? Cause he this old gay guy and I was a guy they want to fuck me You know makes it will come to lunch with us. I'm I got a blown with these people and fucking eat her out somewhere on Cadillac just but they were just nice, you know, cuz I you know, I was abused my whole life I was just fucked by people my whole life They got me the scholarship and I went to Bunk Hill Community College for fine art and I was taking all the shit and and

Then I did an acting class and I went to Bunk Hill Community College for fine art and I was taking all the shit and then I did an acting class and I did, they had a talent show. And I remember me and this kid, Al Delbenny, were in the acting class together and I was like, let's do sketch comedy. Let's do sketches and improv because a friend of mine did improv and we can do this. And we had these other two guys in

there and then he was like i have a friend who happened to be dane he could do it too so he came in audition i remember auditioning dane i gave his start by the way and uh he came in audition i was like fuck he's great and we went and did this talent show we did sketches two sketches and um an improv and i remember we did the first sketch and we fucking killed i remember getting the first laugh like the place erupted and we had to go behind the curtain i'm like what the fuck is this what the fuck was that like they're still fucking laughing and we had to go back out we did the thing and and i went back, I remember saying, I'm doing this. I was like, I'm doing this.

We're doing this. Fuck this. I quit school, quit school. I started booking that group, like at comedy shows. I started calling clubs and places and be like, we're a group. And we started doing this improv shit. You know, we do, we go in and do sketches. And it was the worst improv ever too.

We, it was like a if something worked we'd just do it the next week because nobody fucking knew but uh that's how i got started man wow yeah what year was this oh this had to be i don't know i don't know i don't fucking know i had to be 20 something so it was early 90s early 90s so that was right when i met you was when you were with al because al and the monkeys yeah yeah the monkeys yeah the worst improv group ever but the funniest motherfuckers around comics hated us what comics hated you because we would go in and fucking murder who hated you everybody i didn't hate you no no you you weren't there. You were doing your thing, but other... You mean like at open mic nights?

No, like at the clubs, the stand-ups, because they would have to, you know, follow us on a show, and we would go up and just shred it as a group, you know?

And they didn't like that? Remember the BCN comedy riot? Sure. Okay. So we were killing it. We were fucking murdering it. All of a sudden, we get in the BCN comedy riot? Sure. Okay. So we were killing it. We're fucking murdering it. All of a sudden we get in the BCN comedy, right? The first comedy improv group sketch group to ever get in. It was all standups. It was the biggest comedy competition in the world at that time. Okay. Amateur comedy competition. So we got in it as a group. And I remember we got in it as a group and i remember we went in to bcn remember how big bcn was

mark parenta sure okay um he brought us in and we went into bcn and we were on the radio because he loved us we the first round he was like i love these out on the monkeys these out on the monkeys he brought us in we fucking killed on He brought us in. We fucking killed on BCN. And this was actually a case where he did want to fuck us. By the way. Marked, yeah. That was actually, my instincts were right on that one.

But he got in trouble for that, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Didn't he get kicked off the air for that? Like lost his job? Yeah, he was gone by then, but I think he was in DC and then he was,

yeah, I think he was giving kids Sony Playstations. Solid deal. Solid deal, man. You know what I mean? It's not an Atari. You know what I mean? Yeah, but I remember we won that competition. And the winners got to play the BCN comedy riot.

I mean the BCN, uh, whatever the rock of Boston. Yeah. And the year, it's always been at the paradise, which is 600 people. It's great.

They switched it that year to the garden, but we're so cocky and we're so fucking full of ourselves that we're like, yeah, we'll do it. Let's go. We didn't even think about it. We don't understand it. You know, we're doing sketch comedy and improv. There's 14,000 people showing up.

Oh my God. We just show up at the garden. We're hanging with the spin doctors. Our dressing room is the girl's bathroom. So all the girls have to come to our bathroom to pee. And that's our dressing room. What? Fish was the girls bathroom. So all the girls have to come to our bathroom to pee. And that's our dressing room. What? Fish was the headliner.

They put us in between fish. No, the spin doctors went up. Little Miss, Little Miss, can't be wrong. At the heat of that. And right before fish, which is fucking nuts. We were going up to do sketches and improv how much time did you guys do we had to do 15 minutes and they brought us out in front of

14,000 people we all had I think it was Dane's idea we all had different colored shirts so we look like you know a boy band and we all squatted down and then when they announced us we jumped up and spun to the crowd

we just went what's up dude it got it went bad so fast billy burr was actually in the crowd he went to see the show he was there it was terrible it went bad so fast we do i remember we're doing a skit a skit and I remember there was one dude in the front keep going he was like I love it and we had to do an improv we did a sketch it bombed

it bombed you could hear rustling just nuts it was so bad I wound up taking my shirt off I was in shape at that time and I was was like, listen, people, we know you didn't come here to see comedy. You came here to see the spin doctors. You want to see fish.

But we're going to leave in a second. But give us three things that piss you off for our improv. Just fucking shoes and lighters started coming to the States. They started singing. Hey, goodbye. just fucking shoes and lighters started coming to the states they started singing hey goodbye just grew and grew and grew we had to walk off stage go to the back people were staring at us i just sat there devastated it was so bad is that your first time bombing dude it was my first time bombing but my first time epically bombing. In front of 14,000 people. The comedy world knew before we knew that we bombed.

You know what I mean? Like, we were the motherfuckers, and we were that in a second. Alan Dane left me. They were supposed to pick me up up front. I'm standing out front waiting for them to pick me out. As the concert lets out, I'm by a pay phone going, where the fuck are you guys? They're like,

oh, we went home. They left me. I had to have my uncle to come pick me up. People just walking by, pointing at me like, there he is. That's him. Yeah, it was terrifying. It was deadly. I thought my career was over. Wow. Before it began. Before it began. That's what I said.

I was like, fuck this group shit. How much time had you been doing stand-up for? It had to be like a year and a half, maybe. So when I met you and you were with Al and the Monkees, that was around that time. It was, yeah, it's probably after that. And we started doing stand-up. We were like, we all got to do stand-up. We all got to go on our own, do some stand-up.

Well, what you guys were doing when I met you is you would do sketches, and then you would each do like five minutes of stand-up. That's what we started doing after. Yeah. So that we would open with ten minutes or five minutes each, and then do sketches. Because we had to just go off. You were doing sketches first, and stand-up last when I worked with you.

Maybe, yeah, maybe we did. I remember, because I remember Dane would always go over his time because he was supposed to do like, I remember, you know, he was supposed to do X amount of minutes. I remember what it was, but I remember, when is this motherfucker getting off stage? Yeah. Because I was headlining.

Yeah, yeah, I remember that. I don't remember people not liking you guys, though. No, they liked us in small groups, but not at 14,000 people. No, but I mean comics. I mean, I don't remember comics not liking you. I don't remember that. Yeah, they kind of just didn't like the fact that we would come in as a group. Do you remember Kato and Morin?

Who's that? They were a group too. Was it what? Steve Kato and- Chris Zito, right? No? No, no, no. He was a different guy.

Zito was a different guy on his own who wound up being a- He went on to be like a radio DJ. Yeah, yeah. He's in Springfield. Good guy. Yeah, no. He was a different guy. Zito was a different guy on his own who wound up being a, went on to be like a radio DJ. Yeah, yeah. He's in Springfield. Good guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Kato and Morin were like two guys. Like one guy, there was like a smaller guy and a big guy. And they were a comedy group too. I do remember them vaguely. I do. I remember they got a lot of shit. Yep. And I think they branched off.

I think Morin went on his own Yeah You know Fat Johnny and the Round Guy Funniest They were the funniest people ever That was a great group The two of them together They would rap and shit They would kill

Boston Comedy Club I think my first show there I was the last one to move out of New York because I went and did acting for like two years. Red Johnny and the Round Guy. Red Johnny and the Round Guy. That's right. So I quit comedy. After Dane kind of made it, I remember the group broke up because I think Dane came one day and he was like,

I have a show on the night of an Al and the Monkeys show. And we were like, yeah, but it's Al and the Monkees. And he was getting paid more for his single show than he was. We were getting paid for the whole show. So I was like, all right, fuck it. We're done. And I went and just did acting. I was like, I went and met my acting teacher, Peter Kelly.

I did like a couple movies and some off-Broadway play in Boston. I just got into acting. For how long almost two years really yeah billy dane bill and patrice and gary they were all kicking it and uh at nicks and and all that stuff and i was just acting for for around a year and a half almost two years i just went into just acting and how'd you get back into comedy? It's a disease. It's like, it was like a thing. It's like a parasite that's just in you. And I just was like, fuck.

And I just went to Nick's one night and I was like, I gotta get back. I can't, I gotta do this. And I went in. They were all on stage. They were getting up. There were regulars at Nick's on the open mics, a Noxie show.

Yeah. Kevin Nox had a Wednesday night people, you know, and, uh, I remember I couldn't get up, couldn't get on. Like I just, I had to earn my dues. I was a year and a half behind everybody. So I remember just sitting there night after night, just not getting on and all these other assholes getting on. I was like, fuck. And then, uh, I was going to quit again. I was like, Dane, I was talking to Dane. I'm like, I'm done. I'm out. Fuck this.

They're letting her on or him on, and I can't get on? And he was like, dude, just hang in there. And then that Noxie walks up, literally during that conversation. Want to do five? I was like, yeah. He goes, you're on next. I was like, great. Noxie went up. Wow.

Boom. Blah. Wow. Fucking 10,000 beers. Then he goes, give it up for robert kelly i went up killed it just out of pure just murdered he's like come back next wednesday and i was just in i was back in wow yeah noxie was the best he was great the best he was such a good comic for young comics well he's just a nice guy nice guy billy martin another great guy you know billy

sure love billy he he went on to write for bill maher executive producer of bill maher yeah he's just a nice guy. Nice guy. Billy Martin, another great guy. You know Billy? Sure. Love Billy. He went on to write for Bill Maher, right? Executive producer of Bill Maher, yeah. He's still around? Yeah, still on the show. No shit. I believe so, yeah. He had the Wednesday night at the Calhoun's.

He would put me up every Wednesday. He hated what I did. He came up to me and goes, I hate your comedy. But you kill, so good for you. What? He said that. What? He goes, I hate your comedy. But you kill. So good for you. What? He said that. What? Because I would go up and kill.

But dude, I was a lot of confidence and a lot of, you know what I mean? I was kind of sucky too. I used to have this thing that I did where I would go up and I was like, what's up? How you doing? All right. You like that, you chick? Fucking terrible. Do you remember me doing that? Kind of. up and I was like what's up how you doing all right you like that you chick fucking terrible do you remember me doing that kind of I don't know I mean I always remember liking you yeah dude yeah

I I mean yeah I loved you too I mean you I mean it was great I was so sad that you lived in New York but uh yeah I I started doing stand-up then and I from then I flourished. Do you remember the time I got my ass beat? Remember the time we did that bar? We did some shit bar in New Hampshire or something. I don't know where it was. It was just a bar. And you were headlining. I was on the show.

And you got beat up? I don't remember this at all. What happened? That's why I never would fight a wrestler in my life. What happened? Dude, wrestlers are just a different strength. So it's like different, you know what I mean? Like this kid was there at the show.

I think you left. I think you left. You had to go do something. I must have. And we all went back. I don't remember this at all. We did the show. I think you left. I think you left. You had to go do something. I must have. And we all went back. Because I don't remember this at all. We did the show. It was awesome.

You were headlining. We hung out. And then I think I left. I went to this party at this girl's house with all my friends and this kid, this little guy. He was this little guy. And he kept fucking with me.

He was like, yeah, what's up, man? What's up? And he kept getting in my face. And I was like, dude, get the fuck. Finally, he was just like, get out getting in my face i was like dude get the fuck finally it was just like get out of my face dude stop get the fuck out i'm serious and then uh you know i think uh i was like fuck it let's go outside and it was snow the sidewalks were all ice i was in cowboy boots remember remember back in the 90s with the little silver tips yes i had cowboy boots with tight jeans oh no dude i went outside and i remember i had mace

and i'm look i know you're a real fighter and i know there's a code but in boston fucking suck a punch whatever you gotta do to win you win, you know, fuck you. I was the king of suck a punches back when I was a juvenile, you know, uh, you, you know, there's no, there's no rules, you know, but there was some, cause I was sober now I had this mace and he's coming out and I just dropped the mace in the snow. I was like, I can't do this. Oh boy. Bad move. He came out and just threw me around.

My legs were slipping because I was on my boots and I was trying to grab it and my feet kept slipping. And I remember he picked me up. He head-butted me, came up like that, head-butted me in the face. And then my ankle tore because I slipped on my boots. And then he just picked me up and slammed me to the ground like a fucking rag doll. And my friend was like, all right, he's had enough. And I remember I got my ass beaten.

I was so fucking sad. I had to go to the hospital. They had to cut my boot off because it, boy. Because it was so swollen. I was so sad because I just got the boots. And yeah, it was terrible. Hate that. Fucking hate that. After a show.

I remember there was a chick there that I was trying to hook up with. She never called me again. Of course. Getting your ass kicked is a motherfucker. Yeah, it's not fun. Have you ever gotten your ass kicked? Sure. Really?

In fight fights. No, in life fights. I didn't get much fights in life. I avoided that because I was fighting. From the time I was 15 to the time I was 21, I was traveling around the country fighting in martial arts tournaments. Right. So I never got in street fights. I got beat up so much.

Yeah, I got in like a couple in high school. One time in high school, this dude grabbed me in a headlock and threw me to the ground. And he was going to punch me in the face and decided not to. Yeah. I was helpless. And that's when I started wrestling. I was like, fuck, I got to learn how to wrestle. Yeah.

I remember just like, I'm just so lucky this guy didn't just beat my face into a pulp. Like, I didn't know how to wrestle. Like, he got in my face and I didn't know what to do. Yeah. And I was like confused. pulp like he i didn't know how to wrestle like he got in my face i didn't know what to do yeah i was like confused and i remember he got me in a headlock and just threw me to the ground and then didn't punch me in the face like was gonna punch me in the face but didn't it's like and i just like it's okay and i got up and then i remember avoiding him around the school like i'd see him

so where is he i gotta get don't go the other way. And I remember like, I hate this. And that's when I started doing martial arts because I was like, I've got to learn how to fight. That's why I put my kid Maximus in jiu-jitsu. It's perfect for kids. I put him, Matt Sarah. I called Matt. Oh, that's awesome. He hooked me up with Igor Gracie.

Oh, perfect. And he's been there for over a year now. Oh, yeah. It's so important for kids to learn how to defend themselves. It'll let you avoid fights yeah you know i remember one time i was in um um i was in fenway park like that area and uh like kenmore square and i was walking down the street and these fucking kids i forget it was two or three kids i think it was two kids and they were like just street kids like shitty kids and he's like uh hey man could i borrow some money and i go i don't have any money

he goes come on man i know you got some fucking money and i go no i don't have any money you know and he goes man i'll just fucking take your money i go okay and i keep walking he goes where the fuck are you going and i got to the door of the Taekwondo Academy where I was teaching. And I go, I'm going up here to teach a class. I go, do you want to come up? And we were, like, looking at each other. And he's like, you're teaching the class? I go, yeah.

And that's when he understood, like, why I was so confident. Because I was trying to figure out, do I kick this guy's head off of his fucking shoulders? Or do I just calmly walk up to the door and go, I'm going up here to teach a class. It was one of the more interesting moments in my life. Because it was a moment where having confidence and really knowing how to fight. And by that time, I was like 17. I had knocked a bunch of people out by then. I was used to it.

I didn't know how to do it and I remember just that confidence kept like it was confusing for him yeah and he's like man I know you got some money oh no I don't have any money for you and then when we got to the door it was like perfect timing like right when they were starting to escalate shit and in the door the door was a logo of a guy flying through the air kicking another guy in the head yeah that was the jay hun kim taekwondo institute i took karate for a while i took kempo yeah elvis karate ed parker come on man come on man that's my favorite version of elvis pilled up doing karate with the gay gi? Come on, man. With a gi, with a giant collared shirt under the gi. Under the gi, yeah.

I took it for a while, but I split my gi. I got fat again. I... My first girlfriend, when we met, we were both in shape. I was taking karate. She took karate

with me. We would go and do karate but like any relationship you start getting lazy we started going to the all you can eat italian buffet across the street on route run and then i remember one time i went in with like sauce stains on my gi oh my god and then i quit when i split my gi i went down to do a stupid split you know at the beginning when you're stretching and shit. And my gi just ripped. And I just never went back. Ever. I was like, I got to go.

Are you doing anything now to work out while you're losing weight? I'm working out six days a week. Wow. The thing with the operation, and it's not for everybody. There's the gastric bypass where they fucking rearrange your shit there's the the the sleeve the sleeve no the the um the the two what is it called the ring the band which is they put a band over i think ralphie got that twice and then the sleeve is the least invasive it's uh laparoscopic and they just make your stomach smaller so it goes from whatever it was into the size of a banana and i just i had to do it i looked at it like this 37 years ago i

went to rehab i went to the road back and i took myself out of the game for 14 months to get my life back. I got to work. I got a life. I can't just leave for however long. But my stomach can. You know what I mean? My stomach can go to rehab. Like my insides.

It took me like three years to make the decision because I want to do it. I want to be a man. I can do this. I can get this fucking done. You know, I go on things and you hear people, just fucking do it. Just do it you want to be a man i can do this i can get this fucking done you know i go on things and you hear people just fucking do it just do it but i couldn't i couldn't do it i was 350 pounds i was bigger than any heavyweight champion of the world i was bigger than any linebacker on any team i was 5'8 you know i'm 51 at the time i got this beautiful son i'm in love with i got my wife

i love i finally enjoying life and i'm gonna my son's gonna not have a dad right because of pizza you know yeah and i'm like i'm gonna fuck his life up because i i can't stop stuff in my face because um whatever the addiction is because i'm i i i turned off the other addictions and now i'm addicted to this and i need i needed help and then i'm a member of the cigar uh club cigar republic shout out to those guys they fucking love you by the the way. It's all men. It's all these guys. You go, it's 24 hours. You get a thing.

You go up. It's a lounge. It's awesome. Just a bunch of fucking men. And we smoke cigars, talk shit, watch games, whatever. One of the guys in there is this, you know, dude, Arpan. And he's wound up talking to him. He's a surgeon.

He does these operations. Three years ago, I up talking to him. He's a surgeon. He does these operations. Three years ago, I started talking to him and I was like, you know, I can't, I'm going to, I'm going to do it. I'm going to get it done and maybe we'll talk. We kept doing that and I couldn't do it, dude. I couldn't get it. And I'm like, I'm going to die.

My, my, my sleep apnea, my feet would tangle in. My heart rate was up. I was, I was going to be be gone i was going to stroke out it was just you know either i do it or i don't and finally i talked to him and i'm like what do i got to do and he's like you have to lose this weight before you can't just get the surgery you have to lose weight you have to get your bmi down you have to see a nutritionist you have to see a dietician you have to change the way you're eating before you do the surgery you have to start this first i was a great we planned it out i was like i can do it at this time and uh i got my bmi down and i went in for the surgery and the night of the

surgery i was walking he's like you gotta walk tonight and tomorrow and every day you have to walk. The night I can only walk the hall once. I went home the next day. I could walk down my driveway and walk back up. The next day I walked down the driveway, walked down the block. I came back the next day. I walked up and down the block. The day after that, I walked around the block. I just kept going, walking and walking and walking. Because I knew the key to life is exercise. It's the fountain of youth. And I would be on the road with Louie and he would exercise every day.

I would see these people. It's the key. It's the fountain of youth. I just got to move. I don't have to do all this other shit. I don't have to get a trainer. I don't have to do it. I just have to move I don't have to you know do all this other shit I don't have to get a trainer I don't have to do I just have to move just move yeah and so I that's all I did and but it the operation allowed me to not my addiction couldn't take over if I eat too much I get sick so it allowed me the moments of clarity to understand I'm not hungry right now, but I'm hungry.

You know, there's also a thing in your stomach. This isn't theory. This isn't, you know, this is a theory. There's ghrelin cells in your stomach that tell you you're hungry. So when you remove, in theory, when you remove, and I you remove and I want to get mail you're wrong I'm just saying when you remove that stomach those cells go with it. So you have less of those cells. Yeah So that helps you, you know, it helps you not feel that hunger when you're not hungry Well, it seems like also you change your pattern and once you develop a new pattern, right?

You could really that pattern if you stick with it and you get momentum, that pattern can become your new way of thinking, your new way of life. That's how it is whenever I get really serious and start doing something like very serious, it becomes my new thing. And then it becomes easier to do because it's just a part of the day. Like this is what I do now. And then I kind of get obsessed about like staying on that pattern yeah like i mean like that's the thing i couldn't get to you know that's the thing i couldn't get to but now i i you know i lift weights now because you know i gotta you gotta, I think, four months, and my whole life has changed.

That's amazing. Sleep apnea is gone. Heart rate, resting heart rate's like 58, 52 sometimes. I walk every day. I lift weights three or four times a week. My pain is gone. My aches and pains are gone that's fucking awesome everything's gone beautiful i had a pain in the back of my ear that if you touched it

it was like somebody stabbing me it's gone like nobody knew what it was it's gone it was weight related it was i couldn't pushing down on a nerve, all that inflammation. Yeah, it's all gone. And I'm like, I learned how to slow down. I learned how to eat the right foods. I learned how to move, just move. Even if it's a mile, just walking. And my whole demeanor changed. There was two days I didn't work out, and I was fucking grumpy and pissed.

Yeah, that's me. And I went like this. I didn't work out and I was fucking grumpy and pissed. That's me and I went like this I didn't move today Yeah, and I went and I just jumped on the treadmill for a half hour and my fucking day lit up Yeah, I was like your endorphins kick in your your anxiety goes away Anxiety, yeah, I'm less ornery. I'm less angry and I can You know, I can I can can do flying as a fat fuck. Hard. You develop fat tricks. Like, I have a bunch of fat tricks.

You know, like, I remember dropping your ear pod on the plane in mid-flight. It was devastating. Because you couldn't get it. So I would just kick it over to the skinny guy next to me. And I'd be like, dude, can you get that for me? Oh yeah, sure. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Seatbelt, I would have to use my stomach as a third hand. I put the seatbelt in under my stomach to hold it and then click it to get it on. I used to get sneakers without laces, slip-ons. Because it was tying a shoe. You ever see a fat guy, the shoelaces are always tied to the left or to the right because we can't get it in the middle. Putting my socks on was a nightmare.

I had to grab my foot and drag it up to the bed and hold it there. And I'd be out of breath putting a sock on. But the funny thing is that you learn to live with it your body's fucking amazing think about it I was walking around with 12 babies I was carrying 12 babies right all the time and I my body learned how to just fucking do everything I was doing get on on the plane. I would hold, I would put my hand, I'd have a, I'd fly with a sweatshirt and put my hand in the sweatshirt. So it would hold it

because I had a, I was so big, I had to hold my tits. So I didn't hit the person next to me because I remember one flight, I was holding it with my hands. I fell asleep and I just whacked the chick next to me. So I would have to hold my arm in my sleeve to fly it was i mean talk about anxiety talk about feeling like shit all the time in the back of your head that you didn't even know and now you know flying is i fucking love it i love it i love you know getting dressed taking a shit dude I can wash my balls dude I'm not kidding like from behind

like I remember I opened the bathroom door and I was scrubbing my nuts I'm like Don look I can scrub my nuts I was like holding my nuts like a Doberman Pinscher like look I can hold my nuts she was like good for you honey that's great you're doing good you know that's awesome she's great. You're doing good.

That's awesome. She's like, fucking idiot. That's hilarious. Yeah. It's crazy. But I feel this is it. I'm not going back. Beautiful.

Yeah, I'm not going back. So I'm in the middle of sober October. I got to end this podcast because I'm in the middle of sober October. I got to go home and do a workout. We have to work out seven days a week. We're 30 days, 31 days. 100 push-ups a day. Yeah, 100 push-ups a day.

I'm also doing 100 bodyweight squats and burn 500 calories in a workout. That's great. So I got to do it before the show. Yeah. And I got to do some ads. So I got to wrap this up. Bye, brother. Dude, it's been fucking awesome catching up with you.

Good to be on. It was a lot of fun. Good to see you too, brother. Great to see you doing well too. Thanks for letting me promote the special. It's called Kill Box. It's on lou catching up with you. Good to be on, man. It was a lot of fun. Good to see you too, brother. Great to see you doing well. Thanks for letting me promote the special. It's called Kill Box. It's on louisck.com. You can go to check it out right now. Look how fat I was. Yeah.

Yeah. That's fucking awesome, brother. Yeah. Thanks, brother. And we're going to do a show tonight. So we're going to have some fun. Yeah. All right.

That's it. Bye, everybody. Thank you.