The Joe Rogan Experience - #190 - Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: February 29, 2012

Joe sits down with Greg Fitzsimmons.

Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day. See, that's how you have to have a musical opening. It's very important. Surreal. Greg and I started out probably within like a week of each other. Yeah. Right?

Yeah. Back in Boston. The old Boston Stitches comedy community. You know, and dude, you and I have gone through some fucking, we went through some crazy gigs in the beginning, man. We went through, together, we went through like the darkest time for stand-ups. Well. The early days.

Yeah, we went through our personal darkest days, but at the lightest time in comedy. The best time ever. We caught the wave you know i mean we were i see young comics today and my heart breaks because they got to scrounge up stage time you and i you know i would say what less than a year into doing stand-up we were driving out and making 50 bucks cash five six nights a week it was for me it was exactly one year i first got paid by norm laFoe to open up for Warren McDonald. Peking Garden?

I don't know where it was. It was some bar. I was on a, like an Apple box, like literally, like standing on an Apple box doing comedy. You can't fucking move.

And, you know, I had a good time. And then the next time I lurked for Lenny Clark. There's two times in a row I got super lucky. Norm LeFoe,

like got me a couple of gigs. Well, you shot up. You motherfucker, man. It was like all of us were like, there was this ascension. You'd wait in line to get a spot on Comedy Hell, open mic night. Stitch's Comedy Club. George McDonald would go, welcome to Comedy Hell, where the jokes always die.

It was this whole thing. And we ran out of booze. Comedy Hell, where you can fly as high as the lights on Broadway or crash and burn in a fiery pit known only as comedy hell. And that was step one. And then you would get like a guest spot on a real show. And then you would start to get these like $25 to $50 MC spots where you were driving the headliner somewhere

and you jumped past all that shit because they would send you out to feature and the headliners couldn't follow you because you were out of your fucking mind. I mean, you were nuts. And so they had to headline you. So you started working like the D rooms but headlining them.

So you started to get an hour together super fast. Yeah, I had to. I had to sink or swim. There's times when Greg and I would make agreements to steal each other's shit if we were bombing. Remember that? We would say, dude, you got my whole act. If you're eating dick up there, feel free to just,

and he would come back, dude, that blowjob joke killed. If you're going back to peabody you might want to wait on it yeah you may want to let let the heat let the heat die out of that joke it was fun for us because we knew we neither one of us should there was a point in time where both of us were doing like middling gigs and we really didn't have the time we really didn't have a real solid half hour so it's sometimes you just when sometimes you just, when you're a young comic and you slip in the beginning of your set, the odds of you pulling yourself out of the fire are,

oh. Yeah. I remember one time I was having a good set and I knocked over a drink and I didn't address it. Yeah. That was it. The audience turned on me.

They smelled blood. Yep. They knew I was scared. They knew I was killing. Everything was going great. It's all about their uncomfort and you denying. I remember being on, this was probably the cruelest thing anybody ever did to me when I was on stage.

It was like, you know, half filled room. It was always like the back of a Chinese restaurant where they had a banquet room that they just put a microphone up in and call it a comedy night. And I'm up there tanking it. And I'm not acknowledging that I'm tanking it and during one of the silences that should have had laughter in it after one of my jokes I heard this middle-aged woman whisper to her husband I could hear a whisper and she just goes the poor Oh, worse than any heckle.

Oh, God. Jesus Christ. It just, you know, it would be real hard when we'd watch each other. You know, you watch a friend eat dick in the beginning, too, because you know how devastating it is. You know, there's some times where you know this guy is not going to pull himself out of this, and he has 15 more minutes to go. Yeah. Oh, you just watch him slosh through it up there. going to pull himself out of this and he has 15 more minutes to go. You just watch him slosh through it up there. Is there a way out of it? What do you have to do?

Do you just have to kind of stop? Or do you just make fun of the first half? That's where it would come in. That's where we'd steal a great joke. I knew that there were grenades that I had in my waistband that were Joe's mitts. That they were just take the fucking top off and lob it and you're back in the game yeah it's like we would help each other yeah well there was a time where i was

headlining where i had no fucking business headlining there was no way i barely had 40 minutes and they were letting me headline these rooms and i would have to stretch it all out and if something went wrong man it went wrong hard yeah that's there's no better motivation to creating new material than when those shows happen, and you just fucking have to get to work. Like, you need more weapons, man. You run out of weapons too quick.

You're up there dying. Well, especially, like, you can do the hour. When it's going well, you can take that one bit, and you can stretch it out, add shit to it. You're doing improvisational jazz, and that hour fills up. But when they're not laughing, all a sudden it's like concentrate everything shrinks down and now what you had as 35 minutes you just ripped through in 17 and now you're scared so you're tense and then you got nowhere to go except the crowd so you start fucking with the crowd they

don't like you now they're not that they don't like you. You're not making them comfortable. So there's not like a nice flow of energy. And so, yeah. You're uncomfortable. You can feel it. And the thing about Boston is, and I think it was kind of unique to a lot of other comedy cities,

is it is a punchline town. It's bam, bam, bam, bam. They don't want to see something esoteric. They don't want to see a storyteller. They want you to grab them and just smack them around and then walk off stage with your hands in the air. Well, there were guys that were doing it that were so good at it. The best.

Yeah, we came up in an era where, you know, I've talked about this a hundred times on the podcast, and people always go, yeah, yeah, yeah. We know there were really good comedians back then. I don't think people even understand what a, it was like a utopia. Boston was like this stand-up comedy utopia. There was, at one point in time, there was five clubs in a tiny little area. Seven night a week clubs.

Yeah. Remember, there was just that one block of Warrington. Warrington. There was Nick's Comedy Stop, and then there was Duck Soup, and then there was a Comedy Connection, and then Mike Clark had the Comedy Club in the Charles Playhouse above the comedy and then on the weekends you cut over to Dick Daugherty's comedy vault over there yards away craziness yeah and then you get in your car you drive down the

stitches on calm Ave it's like holy shit well and the best part really was and those were for short sets you doing five seven minutes with a big club those were the big ones but then you and I would get, and this is the thing people don't get today is that we would get it for a year. We'd get in, either you get in my car

or I get in yours. We'd drive to Providence one night for a 15, 20 minute set for free. All the time. Then we'd go to Hartford

one night. Then we'd go to Worcester one night. Then we'd go to Maine one night. We would go anywhere they'd give us, especially a longer set

and then, you know, we were lucky enough to come up in a time where the word comedy in front of a place drew a crowd. You didn't need to have a big name. They just were comedy crazy. And we just happened to be dropped in the middle of it in a city that was a closed system.

They didn't have headliners come in from out of town. So the local, there were four or five big local headliners that drew. And the clubs otherwise, they only booked based on do you crush? Are you funny? Are you original? So it was a meritocracy. Yeah. And no one ever thought they were going to get famous.

Their what? Career? If someone used the word career, people would have looked at them confused like, what are you talking about? All anyone wanted to do was become a big boston comic yeah it's like the fame that you wanted was just the being accepted amongst your peers and having crowds come to see you that's it that's what everybody comes to see you i think wasn't until later i think for us it was just i can't it's like you know when you're first fucking a girl and you can't believe she's letting you

fuck her after jerking off for three straight years that's what it was like when i was doing stand-up in boston they're allowing me these stages that i've watched since i was a teenager in awe all this and i'm on it and they're letting me talk that was it yeah it's all i needed you know one of the first guys i ever saw do a live set was tom cotter yeah. Tom Cotter was one of the first guys. He's our buddy from Boston. He's a great guy. And he was in like some sort of, the first time I ever went, some sort of an open mic night. And he was like the first guy that ever went on stage. I remember that. I swear to God, same thing. He was like a knot. He had started maybe two years ahead of us. That guy always used to bum me out.

And the reason why he used to bum me out is because he was so fucking funny to hang out with. But he wanted to take it down a notch. And he wanted to like, oh, maybe I shouldn't go so dirty. Maybe I shouldn't. And you wanted to go, dude, that's you when you're at your best.

You're a pervert. You're a crazy, twisted pervert. He is one of the most twisted dudes. And I'd rather have him on. We should have him on and do it together because his stories, the shit that he would do, I can't say it on the air. And I can say anything on the air. But the shit Tom Cotter did.

He was one of the first guys I know that would walk around with his balls hanging out of his pants. One of the first guys. No one was doing that back when we hanging out of his pants. Yeah. One of the first guys. Like, no one was doing that back when we were 20. You know, we were like 21 or whatever the hell we were. And Tom Clowder was rocking around with his balls hanging out of his pants. We were like, Jesus, man. Yeah, it would be a Christmas party.

Yeah. And all the comics are there. And he would have hands on his hips, too. It wasn't like he was hiding it. Oh, no. And I remember at one point we were at somebody's house. And there was a dog. It was Oliver's dog. And he had rescued one of those greyhounds.

I think Tom was putting a dill pickle up its ass in the middle of the party. Like, we were beyond children. We were like fucking, we were like a collection of bad kids. Part of the fun of having a guy like Tom Cotter, too, is because you knew that he would like do something like that you knew he would one-up things yeah you knew if there was a bunch of comics hanging around cotter would find a way to make something fucked up yeah i always felt like he kind of pulled back on stage though you know well he yeah he um in terms of practical

jokes and like guys like uh kevin knox may he rest peace, was one of those guys just so fucking funny offstage. And so me, Cotter, and Noxy are working at a place in Maine called The Laughing Lobster, which started to have slow business and suddenly burnt down in the middle of a wet summer. And so we're up there, and there's a condo complex that we're staying in, which was pretty upscale. And they got a pool, and there was all these hot chicks from montreal that come down to that part of maine yeah so we go we're gonna go down to the pool and i don't have my bathing suit and they're like fuck it you got boxer shorts just wear your boxer shorts down so they head down and i walk down to the pool i open the gate and i walk in and it's packed and they're on the far end of the pool and i make it about

halfway down the pool and they both stand up and start screaming Greg what are you doing in your underwear the whole fucking pool starts laughing at me I turn around red faced ran back to the condo set me up the whole time it is a funny thing there is a fucking distinction between you know a pair of shorts and boxer shorts. It's just the thickness of the cloth at that point. Well, it's the same thing of like you see women in bikinis on the beach all the time. And it's fine. You see them in underwear, you lose your shit. Yeah. Oh my god.

I saw, you know Natasha Leggero? Yes. She was on my podcast last week and she asked me to do, she does a show At Largo Which is like You know one of those Hipster Natasha and friends

And so So she Brings me on She's about to bring me on She goes I just gotta change outfits She was putting on Some kind of costume

For this bit So she goes in the next room But there's mirrors everywhere And I can see her And she gets down To a thong And like those little Things that hold your tits up underneath.

You just sat there and watched? No, I swear to God. I was going over my notes and it was like bing, bing, bing off the mirrors and I got a complete shot and just a beautiful, beautiful body. She's taking a photo. She just started stroking it. Can you imagine? Get a lock of her hair.

You were just grabbing your own balls and just. Real weird. Working the head. Hey, Joe. A lot of twisty shit on the head. Go overhand on it. You're doing a lot of weird twisty shit on the head. Yeah.

And spitting on it. Yeah. And so then she brings me on. And of course I have to say it in front of the theater. I just saw her in her underwear and I can't really speak. And so she came on my show and I was just like, yeah, it's weird. I mean, if it had been a bathing suit, it wouldn't have struck me.

But seeing somebody, especially my favorite thing is strip clubs do nothing for me. But if I happen to see a woman naked through a window in an apartment, nudity doesn't get better than that. It has to be found like voyeur nudity. Yeah.

Brian, don't you have the same thing with like you like watching amateur porn? Yeah, I can't even do regular porn because I know there's like five cameramen in there. I'd rather have stolen laptop porn or ex-boyfriend getting revenge by sending out photos and videos of his ex-girlfriend. That's what I need. I need realistic. Same reason why I can't watch a TV show with a laugh track.

I feel like it's fake. Of course. Well, have you seen my new favorite porn, which is the casting couch stuff yeah yeah casting couches but you can't even believe that you can't that's all it's not no it's not that is not fake don't say it don't say it to greg there's two moments i look for all right one is the hello when they come in i want to see if there's a because look i studied acting and we spent fucking six months on answering a door in a scene and how you react to not knowing what's on the other side of the door opening it and then is it real i look for that okay and then the moment that it goes from i'm here to do like a you know a topless

you know photo shoot to he says i want you to suck my dick it's always you know you'll make a thousand to five thousand dollars a day i'm the producer make the tape. I send it to the buyers. You know, it goes through me. We want to see if you can follow direction. And the girl's online. She's online. She wants a job. She hears the money.

All of a sudden, the fucking morality goes way down. And then the moment always builds to where he goes, now I want you to suck my dick. And you see them go fucking vacant. You see their eyes just go like, what? And I'm telling you and you know what though it's real they have to have sex tests before like std tests before they have to have paperwork they have to have a location shoot given by the city to have a permit to shoot in arizona yeah but they

still have to have tests nope it's no test in arizona my friend my friend is the head of uh in the health department of California. He's the head of STDs, and they've been fighting. You know, they had a big breakthrough last week where they have to wear condoms in L.A. County now. How can you call that a breakthrough? Because it's a workplace. People should not die of AIDS in a workplace that's legal.

And it's more realistic that they're wearing condoms. That's what I assume. They're allowed to take it off and still do the Bukkake shot to the face. They can freestyle that. That doesn't give you AIDS, right? No. I don't think so.

Would you take AIDS-ridden loads on your face? It depends on if the guy was white or black. There's a couple of... There's a couple of things you've okayed Before the white black thing Yeah I mean that's the thing Put your money where your mouth is Yeah it seems I mean look

I absolutely agree with testing And all that stuff But I don't want to watch porn Unless they're not wearing a condom Sorry It sounds gross Maybe I'm disgusting If they're not wearing a condom. Sorry. It sounds gross. Maybe I'm disgusting.

If they're going to do a test for me to feel good about porn, I want to know that her parents are no longer living. That's the last thing I want. I don't want to know that there's a dad out there that might see this someday. Well, the last thing I want to know

is that she's doing it because she didn't have the love of her parents. And if her parents are dead, that's the first thing I'm going to think of. And then it's a boner killer right there, son. Yeah, but do you want to be thinking that while you're jerking off, her dad's jerking off,

finds the clip. Can you imagine jerking off and then your daughter pops up? That would be, is that a suicide moment? There was a, what was the girl's name? Because you've already got the erection.

It's not like you stumbled on it flaccid. You rock hard. You change clips, as we do. And then it pops up. Your daughter, naked, having sex. You've got an erection. Your dick's probably in your hand. Suicide moment?

No. No, you just stop beating off. Why would you do that? Wait, how old is this daughter supposed to be? She's 11. You know, like, you go, listen, I just learned some disturbing news. And as soon as I get rid of this load, I am going to address the situation. You got to prioritize.

Jump right back. All right, you're looking. This doesn't have to stop. This is this boner that's been achieved. Yep. A boner that's been achieved should be released. So you're saying open a new window, minimize that one. Don't tease your dick.

Come back to it. Just because your dick didn't make the mistake. Your daughter made the mistake. Give your dick its medicine. Interesting. Your dick is really more important than your daughter. Could you imagine if you just kept going? God damn it, I'm going to yell at her.

I am going to yell at you. Accentuate your orgasm because now now you get too mad at somebody. What if you came and it was your best orgasm ever? And you realize, and it's the kind of nirvana that if you can't get back to it, you don't know what you'll do. Chasing a dragon. You gotta keep chasing that dragon. And that dragon's your daughter. What would you do?

You're watching your daughter. But you can only be shocked by it once. Unless you just became a freak and you were into watching your daughter get fucked that's like those 70s porn movies it was always like the preacher dad and his daughter they used to go fucking deep on those seven like you watch dave's old porn at all on showtime david tells you i haven't seen it it's him watching classical porn with the actors from it and i i watched one of them and it was like it was a preacher dad and he ends up you know hitting on his daughter and seducing her and then they fuck and that's what a lot of those movies were they were really Oedipal and there was a lot of like rapey stuff and rapey yeah rapey not full-on

rape right yeah yeah it's interesting how times have changed when it comes to like treating women like there was uh something something I was watching, the J. Edgar Hoover show, the movie, rather, with Leonardo DiCaprio. Pretty good movie. But one of the most interesting aspects of it is how the G-Man, before the G-Man became the symbol that everybody wanted to achieve,

and everybody wanted to be a G-Man, all these young kids growing up, before it was like James Cagney playing these gangsters. White Heat. And he would always smush something in the girl's face or slap her in the face. And guys would be laughing. And I was like, yeah, look at all the violence that they would do to women. I know.

Women would say something crazy, and they would smack right across the face. To the moon. And everybody was cool with it. It was like they were the men that were taking control of the situation. She needed a smack right across the face to the moon and everybody was cool with it it's like they were the men that were taking control of the situation like she needed a smack right there yeah she had something like you were helping her she was she had lost it you were helping her get back like i remember something quiet man with john wayne remember there was like his wife was uh his the brother was supposed to give him a dowry and he didn't and he fucking drags her through the fields by her hair slapping her and, and the town's cheering,

and you're watching, and it's like a feel-good movie, and you're happy that he's finally standing up to his wife and fucking abusing her. Jesus Christ. Do you remember High Plains Drifter when he rapes the chick in a barn? John Wayne? Clint Eastwood. Clint Eastwood raped a chick in a barn,

and it's like the way he treated her, it's like, yeah, that's what guys used to do. They would hold a girl down, pull her pants down, and just fuck her if they could get away with it, if no one was around. That is what they would do. You know what occurred to me the other day? Are we the only species that doesn't just... Rape? Yeah, I mean,

is there sex between any other animals that's consensual? Or is it all out? Yes, there is. There's one animal. I can't remember what it is right now. Sure. Of course there is. Yeah, women want to get fucked. I mean, they do in our society, too. They just don't want to get fucked by all the men, hence the problem. The problem is that there's judgment.

The problem is that it's not that people on this side who want to fuck can't find people on that side willing to fuck. That's not what it is. It's just there's a lot of judgment going on. Yeah. People are deciding, no, I don't like you. No, I don't want you. They want some dick.

They just don't want your dick, and that gets people angry. Hence, the rapey. Wow. So it's sociological. It's not biological. There's biological and sociological. But if it was purely biological, it could all be cured with masturbation. There's a sociological aspect to it that women are not attracted to you, and you get angry.

You want to force yourself on them, because it's what you want. You want them to want you to fuck them. They don't want to fuck you. You're gross. You're gross to them. Me, specifically? No, not you. It's whoever we're talking about. It's a rapist. You're not a rapist. No, no, no. So, I think, you know, it's

more psychological, I think, and sociological than it even is physiological. I don't know. Unless you're raping and you have no arms. Yeah, well, that's not rape. If you're like holding a girl down with your stubs

and your fucking arm. Oh, you don't have arms. Yeah, you can't masturbate. So this is the only reason you're just like, look, I don't want to rape anybody, but I got to do what I got to do. Yeah.

I got to think if you get raped by a guy with no arms, were you really trying not to be raped? Dude, I bet you there's a lot of dudes with no arms

that could rape the fuck out of you. Real strong ones. Like farmhand guys. Just two stubs. Just a big guy with some thick thighs. Yeah, yeah. Guy who knows how to pin you down with his weight. Wait, does he put his dick in me or the arm?

Hell yeah. Everything. Whatever. The arm is just loosening your asshole up for his cock because that's how big his cock is. Damn! How about that? See, it's a trick movie.

You think, well, this guy is going to use his stuff. Holy shit, he's going to ruin it for the penis. Yeah, yeah. No. And you're not looking back. You don't know if it's the arm or the dick. You don't even care anymore. You're milking a cow.

You're just loving it. You're so happy that you're not in your mom's care anymore. I love those summer outreach programs. No, but it is interesting, though, because that was the whole, you know, feminist movement was saying that rape was a crime of power and not a crime of biology. But then kind of now the new thinking on it by the postmodern feminists is that that was bullshit, that, that no it is men get horny and

it is partially what you're saying that it is about you know i've been rejected and i'm more physically powerful so i'm gonna rape but that there is also like guys that are so fucking wired for sex and something's off and that it's it's about the physical act of sex as well it's not purely one or the other. I agree. It's a broad spectrum. A lot of reasons to rape. It's just one more bullying, one more example of people trying to get people to do things that they don't want to do.

There's a lot of people that like to do that. There's a lot of people that like to be the boss. They like to get people to do things they don't want to do. They like to yell at people. There's a lot of people that would love to be a cop just so they could yell at people. Yeah. A lot of judgment going on with human beings, you know? Yeah, and religion is, is it a manifestation of that or the cause of that? It's a manifestation, I think. I think if it wasn't a religion, somebody would make something up.

I think we're always looking, we look so hard for someone to have the answers that it's almost impossible for someone with a big ego to not take advantage yeah so some crazy dude would come along with the answers all of a sudden and then boom you'd have a new religion so our longing you know it's like we have an amazing ability to control our environment right now you know with with planes and the internet and and physical our physical infrastructure of our cities this is an amazing ability to control our environment right now, you know, with planes and the internet and our physical infrastructure of our cities. This is an amazing ability. But yet, we're still trying to figure out why the fuck we're here.

What is sex and breeding? What is the purpose of making more people? If I'm just going to die and everyone else is going to die eventually too, what is our purpose here? What the fuck is this really all about? Isn't it amazing that that is really the core? Those three or four questions you just asked, there is no

close second to importance in questions in life and they're the ones you never hear talked about. And when everyone brings them up, you belittle it. It's like, yeah, man. You're depressed. If you're thinking like that, you're depressed. I wouldn't want to be you, man. I had a friend who was a very nice guy, but he's a Mormon. Mitt Romney? Him and his wife had dinner with me, and they were asking me about higher powers, if I believed in a higher power. And I said, I don't not believe. I don't disbelieve.

It's never been proven to me, but it might be possible. And the woman actually said, I don't think I could sleep if I thought that way. If I had those questions not answered, I go, wow. But what if there was no answer? What if there really was no answer? Like, it's not like you couldn't get them answered.

It's like the answer doesn't exist right now. Like you don't have access to it. So everything else is just speculation. Like at a certain point in time we have to accept that you have to accept the fact that there's too much evidence that people are full of shit and these stories are terrible so how could you possibly god in most languages is interpreted as the unknowable you know you have to in a sense it puts the onus on you i don't think that you know true spirituality comes out of more of that idea of like taoism where there is a not there is a force of nature that is positive and

flows and by humbling your ego you can become a part of that force that's as close as i think if you really boil down most eastern thought it comes down to that selflessness and getting into a place where the power, obviously something is making the flowers bloom, the sun setting at the same time, all the shit that you can count on. There's a cycle. There's a cycle. And it works on a micro level and a macro level. It's all consistent in a way that you go, all right, there's something. But then to say that you know what that is, is where the bullshit starts.

Of course. You know, and to me, it always starts with what you're saying. There's a volcano. People get scared, and there's always one guy who's so fucking cocky that he goes, he's always got a robe. There's always a guy in a robe. It's God. I'm going to go talk to God.

He doesn't talk to you. He'll talk to me, and he just decides that. And then he leaves for a little while, and he comes back and goes, here's what he said. You guys should me 10 percent for that was his first thing and then this other shit that's going to placate all your fears and is going to make you ashamed which will make you feel comfortable it's just a pimp game yeah it's always been there's no answers that's that's what people need to know but the idea that there's no god that, that there's absolutely no deity, absolutely there's no intelligence to the whole process,

I don't believe that either. I don't see any evidence that there isn't a very distinct mathematical progression to everything in the universe. And I don't know if you can say that there's not a purpose for that. I don't know if you can define if an intelligent form of life or consciousness or whatever the fuck it is created it or if it's just the ethic of the universe that things always get more complicated including intelligent life and technology knowledge everything it just everything will continue to get more complicated period that's how the universe works I mean that might be it

well if you look at it I always say to I always say to people that are completely you know, which is the one where you don't believe in any God at all? Is that atheist? Agnostic is nothing. Well, no. Agnostic is you don't know. You don't believe there is a God.

You don't believe there's not a God. It hasn't been proven. Atheism is a lack. Total denial of any God. It's a lack, a non-belief in a deity, a non-theism. Well, atheist I will say too. Okay, so then that means that you're purely Darwinist. Evolution, that it's the survival of the fittest. I think you can be an atheist and still be open to something fucking crazy

that no one's ever considered. It just hasn't been proven yet. I don't think any atheist is absolutely positive that when they die, the energy ceases to exist and they do not pass into another form of existence. I don't think people are saying that. Yeah. I think what they're saying is that I don't buy religion. I'm not buying the God concept.

I'm not buying the man in the sky. I'm not buying any of that. Yeah. I think that's what they're saying. And then agnostics are kind of like riding the fence on that. Yeah. Like they don't want to piss people off. So they're like, well, who knows?

Sort of an AA belief in God. A higher power. Yeah, exactly. The 12-step guy. Because if you deny that there's any kind of – there was this movie that people hated that I actually really like called Tree of Life. Did you see that? Tree of Life.

What was that? It was really spacey. It was a lot – there were no words for 45 minutes. Whoa. And the theme of it was about – it was grace versus nature. And the theme of it was about, it was grace versus nature. And it got me thinking a lot about if you're going to be a pure evolutionist and believe that science is this thing that is there in infinite possibilities, we are one possibility. And that all the things that are happening right now are a result of, you know, complete,

freaky, but yet logical science. And I say, well, if that's true, and evolution is the key, why do we have handicap ramps? Why do we have welfare? Why do we have affirmative action? It wouldn't exist. You know, liberals are the ones that believe that there is no God or that they downplay the God thing. And they're the ones that are constantly promoting what I would call grace, you know, kindness. Kindness doesn't exist in the animal kingdom. It's like what we were talking about with rape, you know. That, you know, not raping is kindness because you could rape, but you don't.

That's grace. Something is in us, whether it's shame sociologically, but if you look at it more in the bigger picture of I'm a liberal, and yet I am voting against my best interests because there's something in me. And I don't believe in any prescribed religion, but there's something in me, in my gut, that feels like Jesus did, you know? So you can't have both. You can't have evolution and completely deny that there is some kind of a spirit within our process as humans that's guiding us towards something kinder than complete survival of the fittest. Yeah, I think that's the one thing that we are.

We're an animal, but we're also the next stage of animals where we're aware of who we are and we contemplate our existence. And when you contemplate your existence and you're an intelligent life form, you should always be seeking to improve. If you're always seeking to improve, the thing that you look at is like, what has brought me the most positive results? Well, it's kindness. It's kindness, friendship,

the connection with human beings on a very positive level where you build up a trust and you have warmth and friendship and you root for each other and you share in each other's bounty and you have a warmth and friendship, and you root for each other, and you share in each other's bounty, and you build together. We all know inherently in our heads

that kindness is like one of the best gifts you can bestow another human being, whether it's giving them food when they don't have any, or helping them out, or hooking them up, or doing something to help them, or being around them and complimenting them, whatever the fuck it is. We know that inherently that feels great, and we we know it we know that that's the next we have to

figure out how to use our resources together so that we can be like that all the time well as a as a person i see it because i know when i was younger i like you super fucking competitive you know just look at stand-up i mean you I think, probably pushed ourselves as hard as we possibly could for about 10 years. Yeah. Nonstop. And then I got to a certain age where, like, now I appreciate, like, hanging out with you today. Just felt so fucking great. Yeah, we had a good time.

You know, somebody has a shared history with you that has similar visions on life and things. And that wasn't as important to me when I was, like, in my early 20s. All I cared about was competing, winning. I got to, you know, and creatively I enjoyed it all. But I think as you get older, you start to really understand what you just said, that the kindness and the connection is where it's all at. You look at all these studies on, they're doing a lot of sort of quantifiable happiness, you know, studies on what brings us happiness.

It always comes to, it's never about money. Yeah, I think it's always about doing what you actually want to be doing with your life as far as like if you have an inner creative expression to get out. And there's a lot of people that always wanted to be singers and they just for whatever reason never pursued it. So they just sing around their house and they always wonder what could have been

if they just tried to be a singer. That's one form of, that could bum you out. That's one form of a roadblock in your out. That's one form of a roadblock in your life. The depressed feeling that you didn't try, that you didn't try to reach your potential. You didn't go after what is intriguing to you. We all have almost like a beacon that pulls us in a certain direction. With some people it's nursing, with some people it's construction and architecture. Being a parent for some people. For some, for us it was-up. It was really simple.

And it's like there's something, the happiness that's involved in pursuing your inherent desires is unappreciated. It's underappreciated. People think, well, all you have to do is find a career. Yes, all you have to do is find a career. But I guarantee you there's one out there that you really, really want to do. Yeah, the key is.

Unless it's just like, I want to be famous. Then you're an asshole. Well, that's what I was going to say. The key is that, you know, we're in Hollywood, and I see a lot of misdirected what you're saying. You see people that think that being famous is going to bring them happiness, which you certainly have more experience with fame than I do. But you probably would say that it marginally helps you be happier with giving you maybe

some possibilities, but it does not deliver you happiness. Yeah, it's managed madness is what it is. Yeah. You've traded the whole universe. Brian, how dare you keep that thing on? Is that the clock on the wall? I don't know how to turn it off. I'm going to take care of it.

Don't worry. It's a managed form of madness because the whole world has changed. And now everywhere you go, people will know who you are, but you won't know who they are. And when you start becoming famous, it's like one out of a hundred. Then it becomes one out of ten or one out of three. When you're Tom Cruise, it's everybody. I'm not everybody, but it's enough so that it's weird. It's enough so that your reality shifts and then everywhere you go.

And people have their own, also they have predetermined perceptions of you based on your work. Or it's something they read that you said or somebody who met you and, oh, he was a dick. Well, what strikes me as kind of creepy is that if they recognize you, you're going to see their best side, most likely. there's the freaks but most likely they're gonna say look I'm meeting Joe Rogan I'm gonna tell my friends about this I want to have as deep of a connection as quickly as possible as I

can so you're getting all this energy focused on you yeah constantly I just saw it when we played pool I mean five or six different people came up to you and wanted pictures and the thing is is you're not necessarily, once you get over the novelty of, hey, people recognize me, you're really giving. You're just giving people something unless, you know, unless you- Just being nice. Yeah. You know, you're being nice, which is, but for them, it's like-

A positive little experience. I like that when I meet somebody, I'm going to know if they're a douche or not because if they don't know me, then I'm going to see who they really are. But if they recognize me, then it's going to be, I'm not going to see this person. It's true. They may talk shit behind my back or whatever, but when I see them, they're going to have a little bit of an agenda to be nicer or try to form more of a relationship than they would have otherwise.

And that's confusing. That really throws you off. It can. It can. It can if you're not an analytical person. I think the most difficult person to figure out always is ourselves. And I think most people at least don't have nearly enough inner dialogue where they sit themselves down and go over all the different shit that they're thinking and doing and behave.

Most people don't understand their own mind. And if you block shit in your life, if you, it's like, I've seen it so many times with guys that are in the closet. Guys that are in the closet that are gay and they become like huge boozers. And they're just blocking, just blocking out this part of their brain

because they're living their life in this like tortured state. You know, I think that's a big issue for people. for people kevin meanie who's a dear friend of mine uh it was like a mentor for me coming up and stand up and he came out of the closet i want to say he was close to 50 yeah with a kid and the guy had a drinking problem he was overweight yeah and then he came out of the closet he's fucking trim he's, he's got new material, and I mean, I just saw this load come off, excuse the pun, the load come off his shoulders and onto his face. Yeah, whap.

I think you know yourself better when you don't have secrets, you don't have bullshit in your head, when you don't have problems. What was your biggest secret that came out in adulthood for you? Because you changed. That's a good question.

You're somebody that, let me just preface it by saying this. Okay. You're somebody who I think really significantly changed in the time I've known you, and not in a bad way. You went from being a guy, you never touched marijuana, drinking, nothing. And you were hardcore, you were confrontational, and in an honest way, it's what made you a good comedian early,

is you took shit straight on, and you didn't back off and but you were always curious and I saw the curious side of you kind of expand as you got older and then I saw you expand your mind with you know different different methods and and yet it's like you're still you but people don't really change usually in life. And it seems like something happened to you at a certain point, like you had an epiphany or something. Well, one thing is I got an isolation tank. And the isolation tank has never been a bigger tool for me

in terms of personal development than the tank. Because the tank is you completely alone only with your thoughts and there's no way to distract yourself with activities with chronic masturbation with fucking watching tv shows when you're flipping through channels late at night where you really should be sleeping there's no way to distract yourself from your innermost thoughts when you're in there there's nothing there but you you don't even get your body in there because your body's in the warm water it doesn't feel the water after a while. There's so much salt you're floating. So in that environment, you're forced to take a lot of your ideas head on. And like, is this a correct thought? Did I

do the right thing here? Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't. Let's examine this. And as you look at things objectively, it's like you're sort of forced to grow and in that environment the environment of the tank which is just another it's another form of a psychedelic experience it's a psychedelic experience that is natural you could it could be done while you're stone-cold sober you just climb on in and within you know if you've done it for a while within an hour you're in a psychedelic state you're in some crazy hallucinogenic dream state. So what was the truth that you think that came out? Over and over again. Well, a lot of my anger had to do with the way I was raised.

I hadn't seen my father since I was like seven years old. And I always thought that that didn't fuck with me. But then as I got older, I really, truly realized it fucked with me. And I didn't really kind of understand it until I had a few psychedelic experiences and kind of looked at the source of a lot of angst and a lot of anger that I would have. I would be a guy who would try to be nice to everybody, but I was already on a trigger. So if something happened where someone did something rude, I would over-escalate almost immediately. I would be ready to take them to fucking full-on war. But immediately.

Can I tell a story? Which one? Well, I don't know that we've ever talked about this, but we had one kind of blowout in our life. And it was you were, I was living with your girlfriend at the time, Jennifer. Yeah. Jennifer from Staten Island.

Yeah, don't say her name. No. First name's okay, right? Yeah, I guess. Big hair. Very nice girl. Great chick. Yeah, great chick.

I'll tell the story of how this happened. We went to some club. Okay, I don't want to say where she worked. But Greg and I were there, and she came over to talk to us and said that she had a room for rent in her apartment, and she needed to find a roommate. And then I was like, I think Greg needs a roommate, and Greg's looking for a room for rent in her apartment and she needed to find a roommate. And then I was like, I think Greg needs a roommate. And Greg's looking for a room.

I was trying to get out. My friends were all drunks and I'd quit drinking and I needed to get the fuck out. And so she walks away and Greg was like, holy shit, I'm going to be living with her. Oh my God. Look how fucking hot she is. I go, dude, she's fucking hot. Right. And so then I called you.

Wait, this is her girlfriend? No, no, no. Before you started. Before we started dating. We just met her. We had just met her. So then I called him the next day. I go, dude, your new apartment is fucking awesome.

And he go, what are you talking about? I just, oh, I just fucked that girl in your new apartment. It's amazing. And you were like, oh. So we had like a little thing where Greg kind of liked this girl first, sort of, and I fucked her. And then he was living with her. And it was kind of weird.

And there was one night where she had told me that you were talking shit about me. And it really hurt my feelings because i couldn't believe that you did it you she had her period and uh you know we were like 21 years old whatever the fuck it was you know you say stupid shit back then yeah and um she was like miserable and uh she would have bad periods and you came up to her and you confronted her you go look if you're this miserable why don't you just fucking leave him? Really, what are you doing here?

This is what she told you? This is what she told me. And then she told you, Greg, I'm on my period. That's why I'm miserable. And I was so upset. I was like, wow, I can't believe he did that. I mean, she was hot, and you're living with her. I get all that.

I get all that, but I couldn't believe that you said something to her like bad about me, you know, because in my eyes, I'm a very loyal person, and when someone's my friend, they're my friend, and I would never go to a friend's girl. But it was a very complicated situation, you know. It's not healthy for a heterosexual guy to be living with a hot girl. John Ritter did with two. So anyway, I go on this gig, and the gig was terrible.

It's a fucking awful gig, and it was a long drive, and I did not have a good set, and I was coming back, and I was with her, and she had just told me this thing that you had did, and I was so fucking mad.

I couldn't believe it. I was so fucking mad, and we went and got ice cream, and I went to the bathroom and I came back and I opened my ice cream and Jennifer was eating hers and my ice cream bar had a bite taken out of it.

Ben and Jerry's Peace Pop. Greg had taken the bite out of it. And so I flipped the switch and I threw the ice cream at your face at about 100 miles an hour. And I don't know what I said. I don't remember what I said, but I remember I went into danger zone. Yeah.

Well, I wanted to bring it up because we never talked about it. Yeah, we never did. And I wanted to because, obviously, look, there's always two sides to things. Of course. Three sides in this case. Yeah. look there's always two sides of course three sides in this case yeah and uh i think number one i was a brash fucking wise ass pervert you know with a lot of energy back then and so first point i would say is that with jennifer if i said i can't believe i'm living with her

i think it was probably more of a comic premise than like a real attraction on any level i think it was like yeah she was hot but I wouldn't be moving in with a chick to try to get laid with her. No, I didn't think you were doing that. I'm not saying... But I think there was a residual feeling with you that like I had said that and it was maybe on your mind that I'm living with her

and that's a little bit fucking weird. I'm pretty open-minded, dude. She was living with another guy, the gay guy, and I would go and hang out with him all the time. Well, he was gay Don't give it up Don't give up his name Michael

Damn it You fucked up the whole thing And the other thing is If I It's possible I might have said that thing about Wait let me just say my side of it Okay

It's possible Who knows I might have said something about you You know And again I was a fucking loud mouth I talked a lot of shit I think that

In my heart You and I were good friends We had come up And done a lot of shit together Gone through a lot Supp. I talked a lot of shit. I think that in my heart, you and I were good friends. We had come up and done a lot of shit together, gone through a lot, supported each other a lot. And I think if I'd said something, it's, again,

I have no fucking idea. I don't remember. It doesn't, you know, it's so long ago, the memories aren't real anyway. They're not. They're like copies. No, that's why I brought it up

in this arena because I feel like, I don't know if there's humor in it, but I think that there's a real moment in it where, you know know where i think it fucked me up too because first of all seeing you get that angry was like you know scary shit and it was the irony of you hitting me with the ben and jerry's peace pop was also not completely lost on me and i and i felt like you know and and sadly that was right at a time when you were moving to new york you started going down and working danger fields and all that shit so it became kind of

convenient that we just didn't see each other as much we we would fucking write together every day we drive to gigs and then all of a sudden this kind of blowout happened and uh and you just happened to be moving and so we spent a few years of just not being in each other's spheres at all. And then it was water under the bridge and we started to, you know, hang out and all that stuff. But I always wanted to talk to you about it because I felt like whatever your takeaway was from that experience that,

you know, it was, if, if I did say something, it wasn't from my heart and that I think it was a loaded situation. It was a loaded situation. And there was a few other things that... Wait a minute!

A few other things that were leaning into that confrontation, that it wasn't anything bad that you did. It was sort of an attitude that you had taken with me. I don't know. It was weird. There was a resentment thing. I'm pretty sensitive to it. I think a lot of it had to do with living with a girl. Part of it, too, was you and i grew in different directions as comics you you

were going hardcore you were hanging out with another michael and you were real kinnison guy and i was starting to move a little bit more towards not necessarily clever yeah i think i was going through a yeah clean and clever stage and you gave me a really hard time about it. You could call me a pussy, and you've got to fucking be real up there. And it was intimidating because it was like, well, I'm not – why are you telling me how to do my act? But you would get really – you would get pissed at me about it. It was because I loved you.

I just didn't want to see you back off. When you were at your best, Greg Fitzsimons would have these sets, and you would have a bunch of really well-crafted jokes. You had a bunch of good things, and you have one thing where you just went over the fucking edge completely. And the comics would be howling, and I always knew. I was like, if he can harness that, if he can figure out how to – I mean, you have a sick fucking sense of humor. So when I would see you pull back to do a Letterman set or pull back to do any of this stuff, I'm like, the only reason that exists is because there's someone trying to sell

Toyota trucks or tie. The only reason why censored TV exists. So this idea that it became clean and clever, I'm like, what is clever about cutting out the most fun aspects of life and homogenizing it so that four-year-olds can watch it? Really? Is that what's clever?

That's not clever that's not real comedy it's and in my head back then i was watching you and saying well yeah you're just going up there and you're just fucking throwing shit and cum in their faces and you're killing and you're fucking prancing the stage in a stalk and you're fucking got your hand over the mud and i was just like you know he's killing it, that's like, I was coming out of college as an English major. And I wanted to write, you know, and I've gone into writing. So to me, it was just a different choice. And it was one that you didn't respect.

No, it's not that. No, you just said it. You didn't really. No, no, no. It's not that I didn't respect the writing. It's not that I didn't respect the discipline of it. I know it's more difficult. It's a more difficult path.

It was that with you, I always knew you had a sick fucking sense of humor. It's like going back to Tom Cotter. Don't pull away from that. Are you crazy? That's what makes you unique. That's what makes us howl in the back of the room. We're not laughing because we like you, and it's not funny. It's like you would say some really dark,

fucked up shit, and then you'd be like, I can never use that bit. They won't use me now, boston comedy won't book me on the road because of that bit i know you know i think i think that there was a part of me that i think in baseball terms you were always the guy that was the grand slam swinger and i was the guy that just wanted to get a lot of doubles and singles and so so in a sense, I think everybody, my father used to say, everybody ends up where they're really comfortable. And in a sense for you, like you talked about,

going on stage when you didn't have the material, but doing an hour, like balls out, I'm fucking doing, that wasn't me. That would have been my worst fucking nightmare. To me, it was like, I wanted to make a living doing this. I wanted to write. I wanted to go on Letterman. It was like things I wanted that were in this strategy. Not that I wanted to go on letterman it was like things i

wanted that were in this strategy not that i like thought about it but it was just natural where i was going right and for you it was like you wanted to fucking explode you know you wanted to be kinesin and that was just a different fucking strategy different game plan than i had and i think that was a big part of it too that was a lot of tension underneath the fight that happened really yeah I really really my mom I well I did I resented that that I was feeling like you were not approving of what I was doing you're putting pressure on me not to do it that's hilarious because I've always felt like that it was always the opposite with people that the people that were dirty were especially back then in Boston they were

the one who were pressured pressured to clean it up yeah Oliver Keith Lee that's all he ever used to tell me you got to clean one who were pressured to clean it up. Oliver Keithley, that's all he ever used to tell me. You got to clean it up. You got to clean it up. You said 10 fucks in 10 minutes. You got to clean it up. Yeah. It was always like, oh, I'm taking some sort of a shortcut by doing things that I'm actually

interested in talking about. So you saying that I think that I look down on you for cleaning your act up or trying to go the professional route, it wasn't that. It was never that. It was that I didn't want you to stop doing the other stuff because the darkest shit was the shit that would make me laugh the most and then when you're like i can't do that bit anymore i'm like you're crazy that fucking bit's awesome i know and some of the bits i look back i can't i'm one of those people i cannot watch myself i have early tapes and i go i look at these clever little

fucking cute jokes i was doing i I hate myself. I just remembered something you did that was fucking brilliant. This was back in the day where there was like, maybe somebody had heard the Jerky Boys. Like maybe like one,

you know, one of their CDs were out and like they were like really kind of funny recorded phone calls where they would fuck with people. Greg did one

where he called in a car rental place and you did it with this fucking Not my CD it with this fucking extreme Boston accent for years. For years after that, I'd be like, it's on fire. The car's on fire. The whole car's on fire. You were doing a lot of dark shit.

Well, the thing is, when you talk about the Boston comedy community, we really did have our own little pod. It was like me, you, Cotter, Mike, I can say McDonald, McCarthy. Yeah, McCarthy. McCarthy. There was really only a half a dozen of us. And I felt like an outcast.

There was Dave Cross and Marin and all those guys that were doing that sketch esoteric stuff in Cambridge. Then you had, like we talked about, the big headliners that were you know they had their own they were they were drink and they were they were looked at in a different way you know there was like guys who were looked at as like being clever with good material and there was guys who were like Knox who were like a lot of people would like they would look down on them oh yeah look down on that material that silly party guy sort of a station. It was blue collar. Yeah. It was much more.

And yet we didn't fit nicely into any of the categories. And so I think we were left in like a little bit of the misfit toys syndrome. You know, I kind of felt like, you know, it wasn't about being clean or dirty. It was just more about like resenting people that were fake and like seeing people that were, again, looking like they wanted careers. Right. And backstabbers and all that shit. I felt like there was a safety

among the five or six guys we hung out with that we were real people and that we were doing ballsy comedy and that we were the hungriest ones out there. You went to an open mic night for those couple years. Ours were the first fucking names on the list. We were standing there like panthers waiting to see if we were going to get on.

We're not bullshit. We really did drive to Rhode Island all the time to do free sets all the time yeah we constantly drive to the point where they would hold it over our head i know maybe you might not even be able to get it on remember that dude charlie was kind of creepy about that yeah like hold it over your head i don't know tonight yeah yeah he was this very flamboyant guy he does cabaret now does he really oh boy did he like checking you out and making you kiss up to him? What's his name? Tommy?

Charlie. Oh, Charlie. Should I say? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, fuck him. Why do that? I mean, he wasn't a bad guy.

No. Just he shouldn't have had that power. It was just that whole little comedy scene in Rhode Island was very small. But remember that one fucking really funny guy? This was your favorite guy. Eddie. He was your favorite. Eddie.

God damn it. Eddie. Well, tell the story. Well, which one? Well, first tell his favorite joke about the disposable douche commercial, the mother and the daughter. Oh, yeah. But a lot of people have.

Eddie Galvin. Eddie Galvin, yes. Yeah. yeah uh yeah yeah what was it he goes i'm not he's talking about this disposable douche commercial it's a mother and the daughter walking down the beach together and the daughter says to the mother i'm not saying my cunt stinks but the cats have been following me home and the crowd would fucking go nuts. I forgot that. And then he ends up going to jail. He beat a guy to death with a stick.

With a tree limb. Yeah. I don't know what happened. I don't know what it was over. He was the second guy to go to jail. There was another guy named Ed the Machine Regine. Yes. He was the second guy to go to jail. There was another guy named Ed the Machine Regine who was working also as a used car salesman who set the odometers back on cars and did about five or six years.

Yeah, I remember that. I remember when he got out. I remember when he got out. He got out and he started wearing a gangster suit and a hat. He was on stage, Ed the Machine Regine. He was a good functional comic. Functional comic. He knew how to get the laughs.

Yep. And then there was the other Rhode Island comic who'd put a clam suit on, and then he would close out with a bit where he'd sing Muddy Waters, I'm a man, but it's I'm a clam. I forgot about that. And the crowd would lose their shit, and then you're on next. It was always about who you had to follow in Boston, because you'd have outrageous shit like that happen and the crowds in some towns were

so dumb i mean rhode island they were all dumb yeah and you'd have to go on after that and and it's like they just fed the fucking mongrels some red meat right and now you're going up and it's like whoa you were there with me on uh one of the times where uh Hicks performed in Boston, and we saw him clear the room. Clear the room. It was you and me and McCarthy and a couple other guys. Maybe it was Todd Parker. He might have been with us, too. It was like a Sunday night.

Yep. And Hicks went up there, and he went on after Larry, the Harley Davidson drive. Yeah. Oh, not both. Larry. Yeah, I know. Yeah. Comic on a Harley. Yeah. Larry N Brown. Yeah, Larry. Oh, not Bubbles Brown. Larry, yeah, I know. Yeah, comic on a Harley. Yeah.

Larry Norton. Larry Norton. Larry Norton. So Larry Norton goes up, and he's doing, like, cartoon characters. If they got high, this would be Bugs Bunny. It's, like, really simple shit. Cops and donuts. You know, like, really, like, softballs.

He's lobbing them at you, right? Killing. He's killing. And Hicks goes on and just eats dick right away. From the moment his very first joke, he's like patient with what he's going to say and thinking about things. He just goes and has some weird points, and the crowd just gets up in fucking chunks. And so maybe 45 minutes into a set, 40, 40 minutes into a set,

he's doing this bit where he's playing John Davidson and John Davidson gets fucked by Satan. John Davidson used to be the host of That's Incredible. And John Davidson is getting fucked by Satan and he swells up in the off season and shits out Geraldo Rivera. He becomes pregnant with the demon seed and it becomes Geraldo Rivera and he shits it out. And he's like on the toilet shitting out Geraldo Rivera. He becomes pregnant with the demon seed, and it becomes Heraldo Rivera, and he shits it

out. And he's like on the toilet shitting out Heraldo Rivera, and he's grunting for like fucking two solid minutes, maybe more. Like literally. No words. No words. No words. No words.

And then he looks up in the middle of people just getting on the drones. He goes, yep, this usually clears the room. And he goes right back to it and it was just you and i and a couple other guys in the back of the room howling laughing maybe 50 50 people stayed and you know what did next seat like did it seat 300 maybe yeah about that 200 plus people got up and left. Yeah. And we were howling. And I just remember we sat, I think another time we went to see him

it was at the Faneuil Hall Comedy Connection and we actually got to sit in the green room for, you know, 10, 15 minutes. Nothing but small talk but the fact that

I fucking sat in a room with that guy, got to see him perform a couple times. It really is like, you know. Comedy history. Yeah.

He, you know, he gets shit from a lot of people because a lot of his ideas are so commonplace today that people go, well, he wasn't even doing comedy. Like, you know, some of the stuff isn't even funny. But what they don't understand is that like every fucking comedian, your stuff gets dated in time. You know, it just, it does.

It loses its punch. If you're good, it gets replicated again and again. Well, Lenny Bruce, a lot of, you know, even Hicks' premises were, like, really similar to Lenny Bruce's premises. Like, one of Lenny Bruce's premises was that people don't, he doesn't understand the cross. You know, years from now,

people are going to be running around with electric chairs around their necks. And then Hicks had one about, you know, it's like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant. Yeah. I was thinking of John, Jackie. Yeah.

I mean, there's similarities, but what Hicks did was completely change the way people did comedy. Like, all of a sudden, people would have comedy that would make you, like, make a point. And, like, there would be parts of it that would be funny, but there would be parts of it that would set up the funny by pointing out how fucking preposterous so much of this shit is. Yeah. And it's like, it was a different ride.

It wasn't that Don Gavin punch line every fucking three seconds, bang, bang, bang. It was a different ride. Well, I think the turning point was really the clearest distinction with him was that he didn't care. Yeah.

That's what it came down to. For real. It was comedy that, to its core, it was expressing itself without any regard to the reception it was going to get from the audience. And he figured out quite early that that was the way to find your real audience.

Because only perform their stuff. And eventually everybody else leaves. Jesus, this is terrible. And then your people come. Well, Carlin did that too, in a way. Sure, I guess. But he would become famous already. Carlin had become famous as sort of our clean and but but then he became

I think a guy who was by the end to a fault more about his core beliefs and and his message I think he went so far with it but in the sweet spot I think he was on the same level as Hicks in terms of like taking on you know religion don't forget Bill Hicks was doing it in Texas you know he was taking on Christianity in the Bible Belt in the 80s yeah and he was doing it in Texas. He was taking on Christianity in the fucking Bible Belt. In the 80s. And he was doing it in a way that it wasn't that set-up punchline. And he started like that.

I mean, I watched his documentary. He had really cornered it. He was the guy, if you want to get to the place where Bill Hicks is, you've got to be, and Carlin, you have to learn the rules to break them. And they did. They were very high-functioning, clean, monologue comics. And then they took that and they made it dangerous by taking on real ideas right and at the time that's what everybody is was doing and what he had done was run into kinnison and then kinnison completely changed

his act in fact when i first saw hicks hicks was doing a lot of kinnison in his act much like you you know you realize when there was a few guys that would do um uh there's a bunch of guys that would do boston guys they would sound just like knox oh yeah and they would do it just because there was confidence in sounding like a really funny guy yeah like a guy that you respect there's a confidence in it and when i first saw hicks it was years before that set maybe a year year and a half before that set, the first time I saw him, he was doing sort of a bit of a Kinison act. He would even make the noise. He would do the Walking Dead.

He would roll his eyes in his head and make the same noises that Kinison would make. I'm like, wow, that's really kind of close. Yeah, yeah. Doesn't he know we've seen Kinison do this? Well, I think Bobcat probably had a touch of that. I think Marin had a touch of Hicks when he was coming up. He had a touch of the mannerisms. He would replicate mannerisms.

Yeah, that's what I mean. The mannerisms. You see that with a tell now. A lot of young tells out there. Yes, a lot of young tells. Stan Hopes. Yep, you're right. You're right.

A lot of Stan Hopes. Yeah, there was one time I was listening to this fucking guy on Raw Dog Radio and I couldn't believe it. I was like, this is a fucking Stan Hope clone. I was confused. Maybe Stan Hope had a cold. Is he Zansari?

No, it's a different guy. Does he sound like Stan Hope? No. How funny of you. It's your Olive Garden. It's your Olive Garden, because he's Zansari. So, going back to the original topic, our fight. Glad it's over. I'm glad it's over. I think that we're both... Well, our fight. Glad it's over.

I'm glad it's over. I think that we're both... Well, we kind of abandoned it. I mean, we didn't speak that much after that for a while, but it never came up again. It wasn't like it needed to be discussed, but I'm glad we did it. Yeah, I wanted to just clear it out, clear it out,

because I was thinking today, too. I think I was telling you earlier, I changed my whole viewpoint on gun control two weeks ago. Yeah. I did a lot of research. And it's like I think that there's two kinds of people. There's people that will call people when I make a mistake, apologize. I want to talk about shit if it's under the carpet.

And I want the right to change my mind later. And I think that that's the way I choose to go through life. I never want to fucking. And it's a problem with my family growing up Irish Catholic. I wrote this fucking book that was all the real shit from, this was like a, I didn't, I didn't think for one second when I wrote this book, my mom's going to read this, my aunt's going to read this. I just fucking wrote my book. And it's like, you know, it was a, it was tough, man. I almost had a fucking nervous breakdown doing it. But that was like the point in my life where I think I went, you know, I'm no longer going to do anything that's pandering.

I'm only going to be honest. I'm only going to confront things in my life because I can't go back. You know, I want to start my life in a sense over again and leave everything behind. So I don't want anything fucking connecting me to shit that I feel bad about from the past. So I just spit it all out and put it out there. And now it's done.

And now this is done. Not the podcast. Please, not the podcast. I haven't gotten my plugs in yet. No, there's no plugs. We can keep going. I'm glad we got it out of the way, too. We actually worked together on The Man Show as well.

And it came up because I had an issue, you know, and then they said, what about Greg Fitzsimmons? And I was like, he's fucking talented, you know, for sure. Hire him. I was shocked. Really? Not shocked. I was like, it reaffirmed what I just said, that you're like that also.

Like, you know, I'm not going to, guys get over shit. Well, you know, bottom line is, there's no way I could hold a grudge that long, A. And, B, you're fucking talented. It was like it wasn't even a thing. It wasn't like, man, should we work with? It was like, of course we should work with him. You're a funny guy. You know, you had a funny shit that I didn't even think could be funny

and became funny, the dead Ted Williams sketch. Oh, God. That was fucking brilliant. Frozen Ted Williams. Frozen Ted Williams was awesome. It turned out to be one of my favorite sketches because I don't give a fuck about baseballs. I was like, you know, I don't understand it,

but it was great. Yeah, it was tough. You were fucking, you were working nonstop. It was a disaster. You would show up like, you know, at night when you were done taping all day and then write all night and then go back. It was a disaster. I would show up at night when you were done taping all day and then write all night and then go back. It was a disaster.

I was working way too much. I was doing Fear Factor and The Man Show at the same time, and all of a sudden they had completely changed how they were approaching it. Doug and I got completely hoodwinked. We thought that it was going to be like they literally told me, you know, have nudity, we'll blur it out. Swear, we'll beep it was going to be like they literally told me like you know have nudity we'll blur it out swear we'll beep it out you can go wild if we get sued it would be a good thing we could use the publicity i'm like let's get fucking crazy i'm like let's do it um you know stan helps

in i'm in come on let's go we're gonna fucking change the man show and then once we started that doesn't sound like the man show that's not the man show that is not how the man show used to be like they had never had power i found out that jimmy and adam had given up the power show that is not how the man show used to be like they had never had power i found out that jimmy and adam had given up the power so that they can have creative control yeah they didn't they they're like look you could you could own this fucking piece of shit just don't just leave us alone yeah you know just let us come up with our own style like they had they had to give it up to get creative control yeah that's why it was good because once you get in there and you remember what it was like it was nuts it was the beginning of Comedy Central becoming a really uncreative place

to develop and do things. And it was, you know, it was the studio and the network. There were probably six, all women, all women. Every note on the man show was coming from women, which isn't to say they weren't talented or funny. It just always struck me of like, do these people really have the voice of the show? Yeah, they don't. I don't think women were watching the man show.

One of the big things was Joey Diaz. I wanted Joey Diaz naked at the beginning of every show. That was a mistake. He would kick open the door and go, let's get this party started. Everybody would go crazy. Zoe was, Comedy Central was like, crying. Why?

You tell me. Why is that funny? That's not gonna be funny. This is not what we want to do with this show. She was literally in tears. I'm like, first of all, there's no crying in comedy. Period. Right? There's no crying in comedy. That's fucking ridiculous. And second of all, you know, I know I understood her point of view. She's an intelligent woman. It's offensive to her. To her, it's not funny. She wants well-scripted, well-crafted, really clever pieces and bits. That appeal to frat guys. I understand that.

However, when a fucking 350-pound fat Cuban guy with a baseball hat and Timberlands comes running out, and his balls are like grapefruit in an old lady's pantyhose, and his dick is big, and it's flopping around on his giant belly you cannot not laugh and he's going let's get this party started so I we made a deal I will do it your way and then we'll do it my way so we did it her way nice big thing big cheer everybody gets crazy we start the show okay take two we do it the second time Joey Diaz comes out naked the place falls apart people, they're giving him standing ovations and cheering and Joey's dancing. And then he brings us out and it was perfect. Yeah. And then, you know, we, that was the beginning of many, many problems that we had.

I should have never tried. I should never try to do a show at the same time as doing another show. And on top of that, I should have never tried to do someone else's show. Well, that's, yeah. I mean, look, that's a fucking tough one. You look at the fact that The Office turned out a different office that is now as good

as the original is a fucking miracle. Amazing. Fluke. It just doesn't happen. Yeah, I mean, talented people, obviously. They figured it out.

But the point is, those same people could have taken a different premise starting from scratch and been where they are today. Taking a show that already existed, you're not getting any boost out of that. All you're doing is fighting off the old image and trying to recreate the new one.

So why not just start with the new one? I think in America, it was so distant. It was a distant memory in people's minds. There was this English office. There's a giant chunk of the population that had no idea and the the people that were fans of the office tuned in out of curiosity and the other people tuned in after yeah i've heard it's really good i heard it's really good it's like you know like it was not known enough so it like slipped in but and you were doing it on the same channel yeah with the same name and the same set yeah you could and and the thing is

it's like that was truly i mean adam and jimmy had worked together in radio they had a fucking chemistry and a fluidity you and doug were both alpha males who do stand up alone and then all of a sudden it was like should we sit on stools should we stand up and i was always just like no joe should go out and tear it up for five minutes then doug should then they should throw the clips that they're both in. But the two of you standing on stage together was weird. Yeah, it didn't work. You know what we should have done? We should have just – we should have – after the first time didn't work,

we should have said, listen, we should just – the only way we could ever do this correctly is if we just stop calling it the man show. And it becomes a new thing. Because you just can't say that's not – they would be like, that's not man show. That's not man show. Especially, remember when Janet Jackson's nipple thing happened? We got fucked. We lost, like, half of our monologues.

We lost, like, a bunch of bits we couldn't do now. Oh, because everything tightened up. Everything tightened up. Yeah, yeah. People don't realize that that stupid stunt had a big impact because the dummies that run these networks, they just don't want to lose their jobs. So they go into panic mode. Yeah. We've got to react to this China taxing day you give me anything you have that could cause us trouble because now the microscope of the media is gonna be you know people gonna be

like peering into like every single show looking for anything that's you know possibly offensive yeah while this whole wave of indignation washes through the nation because someone saw a woman's tip during the dinner hour yeah we did a um one of the sketches that i wrote was called ill suitors and it was like a dating service for men that didn't want long-term relationships paired up with women that had terminal illnesses i remember that and then one of the scenes and it was all like you know doug had this funny idea of like she's in a wheelchair on the beach trying to wheel through the sand he's running in slow motion towards her and it ends with like it was supposed to end with him um making out with this woman in bed with his hand up her shirt and then it goes to him giving mouth to mouth and pushing it and they just they

killed that it was like we had no ending yeah and so we had all these funny ideas of like you know you could you could order like a three-day weekend special of you know bird flu you know you had different diseases that matched up with how long you wanted to stay in the relationship. We had no ending. We had no ending. It was weird, too, because Giannis sort of took over the show, and he became the voice of it.

He was the mouthpiece. He's a fucking executive producer. He's got to listen to the networks. We never tried to do somebody else's show. We had a lot of funny writers, too. Brian Posehn, Ray James, Chris McGuire. Some funny shit, too. Some funny shit came out of it.

Oh, Frank Sebastiano. Yeah, he was awesome. I think he's the best writer in town, period. He's great. Jesus, it was good writers. Yeah, yeah. Too bad. Yeah, well.

Could have had fun. You know, you and Doug still keep in touch? Yeah. Yeah. One of the things that came out of that was that Doug and I were doing mushrooms the day the war broke out. We sat around this dude's house in the desert. We did mushrooms.

And that day, it was like right when we were planning to do the man show, the war broke out and they were showing that they were going to be beginning war coverage at 5 p.m. Yeah. And Stan Hope goes, holy shit, there's a kickoff. And we're tripping balls in the desert, like where you could barely focus on the TV because it's become a soup of pixels. You know, it's not really the TV anymore. Wow. Yeah, it was interesting times.

That was a good time, but I definitely shouldn't have done it. I'm glad I did it, but I shouldn't have done it. Yeah, well, who knew? I mean, I've done, I've been on a couple of pilots where people, and shows, actually TV shows, where people were double-dipping. You know, I wrote on Wanda Sykes' show last year, and she

was doing the Adventures of Old Christine, and then coming over and trying to do her show on Fox at night, and we never saw her. Wow. And she's so fucking talented, and what an opportunity to have a black woman while Obama is president,

and you had Sarah Palin running for office. All of a sudden, the fucking floodgates were open in politics. What kind of show was it? It was just a straight-up monologue, remote piece, roundtable talk show. Topical. Yeah, because she's so talented. She's great.

But people don't give themselves enough time to do things right. And if your name is on it, you gotta fucking drop, either don't do it or drop everything and say like a tell, again, going back to this show, which you gotta see, Dave's Old Porn.

That guy gave up so much fucking work. He invested so much of his own money, tons of it, into this show because his name was see, Dave's Old Porn, that guy gave up so much fucking work. He invested so much of his own money, tons of it, into this show because his name is on it and it's picked up and his road work is up

and his merch is, and you know, it's like, this is you. This is your fucking brand. Yeah. So you blew it, man. You really blew it.

Me? Yeah, you really blew it. How did that happen? How did it come to that? Well, you think you would want to do a show like that again? Like a weekly sketch?

No, no. I like this. This is really what I should have been doing all along. This is the most fun. Podcast. It's just, this is, you know, I mean, what are you providing? You know, when you have an hour television show, you're supposed to be providing entertainment.

You're supposed to be providing some sort of a release. I think I'm better at entertainment doing this than I am at all that other stuff. I think writing, I can write. I know how to make sketches. I can make funny stuff. I absolutely can. It's fun. I enjoy doing it.

I enjoy this more. And between this and stand-up comedy, those are like my two favorite things. The only reason why I ever did acting is because they gave me money to do acting. I mean, I had to do acting because I did MTV and I got a development deal. And all of a sudden, I'm doing a pilot for a sitcom. But I never really wanted to do acting because I did MTV and I got a development deal and all of a sudden I'm doing a pilot for a sitcom but I never really wanted to be an actor so it's not that appealing to me and then when you hang out with them you realize well they're fucking weirdos

man weird fucking pretentious self-absorbed strange fucking people man they're odd nobody's saying a truthful thing all day oh everyone's trying to be this same person the person that like is everyone that everyone accepts.

You know, the person that, you know, everyone's liberal. Everyone is like, you know, thinking about going vegan. You know, everyone is. And everyone's unflappable. Nobody's ever sweating. Nobody's ever scared.

It's just always, you got to be confident. You got to always show people you're relaxed and confident. And weird. Weird and disconnected and obsessed with your fucking life. I've met people that are obsessed with success, but they're varied.

There's a fucking sameness to the actor, the douche. There's a sameness to them that's shocking because it doesn't seem to exist in other things. There's people that develop a hardness if they're in the financial business. There's a cutthroat aspect to stocks and bonds and treasuries. There's similarities, but they vary more. The actor is like one thing. It's like strip club DJ. Hey, everybody.

Dance is on the table. The big girl's coming. They all have the same voice. Strip club DJs have the same voice. And actors have the same. They big girls coming up. They all have the same voice. Strip club DJs have the same voice and actors have the same. They're the same guy. Well, when you audition

for something, I was thinking about this the other day. It's not awful, obviously. But when you go in on an audition, there are so many, it's like watching

the fucking Westminster Dog Show. You walk in, you sign in, you schmooze with the other actors, you look at your lines. Then when you walk in, you got to say something clever

and a mild flirtation with the casting director you got to say something clever and you a mild flirtation with the casting director then you say something that's a little bit naughty and then you start the scene and then you finish it and they tell you you're fucking great and you tell them it's great to see and you walk out like you don't need the job then you get in your car in the parking garage and you start slamming your forehead against the steering wheel and hating yourself. And then waiting for the call. Yeah, I only got into acting for money. That's not what I started doing stand-up for. And once I realized that I can make a living without acting, I kind of shied away from it.

I didn't act at all for like 10 years until I did a Kevin James movie, The Zookeeper movie. I hadn't done anything in like 10 years. I'd just done stand-up. And acting's work. That's a job. Stand-up is not a job. Even when the hard part, coming up with new material

and putting together a new hour and trying to structure it and worrying, how are you going to fill time? How are you going to start? Don't forget anything. I don't want to go up in notes, though. Fuck.

Okay, I got it. I got it. I got it. That's still, that kind of work is nothing compared to the work of doing somebody else's stuff. Yeah, because cuz in stand-up you get back exactly what you put into it and I find sometimes I go on the road and I'll be like wow I just

work two weekends in a row I don't have a single new joke what the fuck did I just go collect a paycheck as if I did I need to get another line of work right it's I got kids at home that's too precious if I'm gonna be away I got to be creating I got to be doing the thing that got me into the business in the first place. And that's what ultimately leads to more success. You got to go back to that fun, that danger, that need. You got to need it when you get out there. We were talking the other day about guys who get old that lose their funny because they get too rich, too comfortable.

They don't need it when they get up there. Well, we were talking when we were playing pool about bands. No one even wants to hear any of their new shit. Yeah. But then other bands, every time there's a new, you know, blank album, you know, people are interested. Like, the Rolling Stones released an album recently. Did you know that? Was it a re-release of old stuff? I don't know.

I don't know. Somebody told me that the Rolling, I should be sure before I say that. Well, Springsteen's got a new one and I can't wait to get it. I heard that it's good. People have been saying that it's good. think and i feel the same way about the chili peppers i still and some people a lot of people disagree i think that they're putting out their best stuff now you know and uh california cation is a great fucking song yeah that's a great song that was uh remember brian when we were in phoenix that was like the theme song for phoenix it would just come out it

was so good we're like play it play it again. Play that shit again. Yeah, they got another new album that came out about six months ago that's Dynamite. Subcategories. It doesn't have it. I'm looking at their albums. Coming up next, we got the Chili Peppers at you, followed by the Stones' new CD.

Corbett on stage. How many guys get to do that voice? There's a lot of guys that make a living doing that voice. My dad was one. Really? Well, he was a broadcaster. He did exactly what we're doing right now, except he introduced records. He wasn't a cheese ball, but he was one of the biggest disc jockeys in New York for 20 years.

Wow. So you grew up with that. Yeah, I grew up going in and watching him. In the shadow of show business, you grew up looking at it. Yeah, he was famous in New York. I mean, we couldn't walk down the street. Everybody, Fitz, hey, Fitz! Oh, wow.

Yeah, it was pretty cool. What kind of talk radio did he do? He did real liberal spewing hate callers, people that couldn't stand him, and he'd take them on. He was a tough guy from the Bronx, and he could back it up. Smart guy.

You remember that? That was the only time audience members could interact before Twitter. You know, now people get fucking shit on you. People used to be able to catch you on the phone. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, just want to say I think you're a fucking bum. Yeah. They'd be able to call you up like, oh, we're going to go to the phone calls.

Oh, they're bubbling with anger. Yeah. You know, you could pretty much be filtered from most of them unless you went on a few shows. Well, I do a show still on SiriusXM on Stern's channel, and we get a call screen that shows me whatever seven or eight calls are up, name, where they're from, what they want to talk about. And if it says,

thinks you're a piece of shit and you suck, click, hey, how you doing, Bill in Denver? Those are the only calls I take. I love it because I know that after two or three minutes, they're going to go, I'm fucking around, dude. I love you. Or just silence and a hang up because they couldn't back up. They're opening fucking barrage.

They couldn't back up. Well, Greg, I should preface this by saying that Greg is one of those guys where every now and then, like today or yesterday, I got a message from a who the fuck is this guy some guy on Twitter that's giving him a hard time Do you know this fucking guy is I tell you what meet these fucking cowards face to face You actually get you pull your pants I'm gonna get off my lawn. Yeah, you actually will fucking you'll engage them Yeah, I must got a fistfight the other day. Whoa. On stage the other night. I was in Chicago. You did get in a fist fight in Boston.

Yeah, many, many. In Boston at Stitches. Didn't some guy come on stage? Yeah. And you got in a fist fight with him. They separate you. Everything gets separated. And then Greg Gubbs on the mic goes, all right, who's next?

And I got my ass kicked. He had me in a headlock. He just got out of the Israeli army, and he had me in a headlock He's fucking He just got out of the Israeli army And he had me in a headlock He's spinning me around Like a fucking helicopter And I go

Alright who's next You remember the video Of the guy with the guitar Oh yeah Some guy beat the fucking Dude in the audience Over the head with a guitar And that was back when

People didn't videotape shit That was magic Because it was actually Nowadays you probably can find that all over the place that was legendary but no i still get into fistfights this guy was heckling me from the back he heckled me i'm doing this joke about hispanics and he goes he goes back off i go what back off i go what are you talking about back i go all right fine and i asked for a wireless mic for this exact reason i can fucking walk right off. He's in the back row. Place is packed.

Walk right up to his table. What are you saying? You don't need to be talking about Hispanics. I go, I just shit on Jewish people, Chinese people, Irish people, black people. You're last in line. I'm not even attack and nothing. And he's fucking fist clenched looking at me. I go, come on, man.

Come on. Come on, man. And I just fucking eye contact, three feet away. Like, go ahead, stand up. What do you do? Do you shoot you or stab you or something? I don't know what it is. I am drawn.

You just get crazy? I get crazy. Irish. I'm Irish, and I think it's also on stage. That's my fucking stage, man. But you're not. You're in the audience. I know.

You went up to him. I know. Yeah. I remember I had a joke about Roswell, New Mexico, about the UFO crash. Yeah. And about how the government, they're printed in the paper. I actually have the day's newspaper, the Roswell Daily Record. It's at my house in a frame.

Yeah. And it said, we have recovered a flying disc. The government says this is the first captured flying saucer. And then the next day they said, oh, it was just a balloon. I go, well, what about the aliens? I go, those are Mexicans. Apparently they were up in the balloon. They were drinking.

Some shenanigans took place. They thought it was a pinata. This chick stands up at the comedy store. It's like, don't be fucking talking about Mexicans. Don't be fucking talking about Mexicans. I go, did you even listen to what I said? Like, I'm not even making fun of Mexicans, don't be fucking talking about Mexicans. I go, did you even listen to what I said? Like, I'm not even making fun of Mexicans. I'm making fun of the government for a lame excuse for this crashed UFO.

And it's a simple joke about the word aliens having two meanings. Not really much deeper than that. Jesus Christ. But no, I hit a hot button. Some people are so stupid, just the word is a hot button. Oh, this is my favorite. I'm doing a college, and I do this joke. It's probably, you probably remember it.

This is fucking way long ago. And I said in college, I was on the crew team, the rowing team, and I didn't know anything about the sport except when I'd seen those ancient Roman slave ship movies. So I showed up for the first day of practice with a big drum and a whip. And we won the league that year. And we captured one of Harvard's ships and sold them off as slaves in the Adriatic Sea.

Stupid joke, and exactly the kind of joke you probably hated me for when I was coming out, like clever, not that funny. You're paranoid, man. I didn't hate you for your jokes. No, I'm just kidding. So I'm at the college, and I do that joke, and this fucking black chick goes, you don't do no fucking jokes about slaves.

And I go, ma'am, ma'am, collect yourself. Number one, talking about Roman slaves. They were white. he didn't corner the market on slavery sit down oh and fucking she wouldn't stop wouldn't stop in the face of a fact that went against her whole fucking so what are you saying that slavery has never existed or that because blacks have been one of the groups that has been subjugated into slavery that you're defending all slavery is it just not on the table it should not be discussed because you're a college where you're supposed to discuss shit and break it down and i just went off on that rant well i found that colleges were more pc and more more like restricted and censored than

anywhere people would get upset if you would bring up anything controversial. Look at the board. Anything racial? Well, anything racial, anything sexist, anything homophobic. But there's a difference between racist and racial. There's a difference between discussing homosexuality and homophobic. And they can't make that distinction. It's all buzzwords.

And just real facts about humanity that people don't want you to talk about when it comes to a bunch of different races. It's fascinating. It's part of what's interesting about life is discussing what different people do in different parts of the world. And I love that when you bring up religion on stage

and somebody gets upset, I'll say, I don't believe in the Ten Commandments. And then you see somebody cross their arms and get pissed, and I just stop and go, okay, hold on, lady. Am I a preacher? Did you hire me to fucking lecture? I'm a dick joke comic. I tell jokes to drunks.

If you're looking at me as the guidance in you or anybody else's life, you're a fucking idiot. I'm a comic. We're the lowest fucking form of speech in society. You know, we're not supposed to. I think AM talk radio is lower than us. Oh, Phil Hendry? Well, that's good.

He's really good, though. He's coming on my show next week. Is he? Oh, that's awesome. That guy's hilarious. He's a professional troll. The greatest. What's he been up to lately?

He trolled before the internet. He's doing, I think he's got a lot of podcast stuff. He's doing podcast. But he's still got an AM show going. Actually, Art Bell is AM radio as well. Art Bell. AM is more like the highbrow. Well, now you know they're doing a lot of sports,

is going to FM now, sports talk. Really? Because people want to hear sports talk, but young generations don't even tune into AM. They just don't. They don't even look. Yeah. So it's like AM is just losing listeners.

People are dying off. Yeah, the only time I've ever's like AM is just losing listeners. People are dying off. Yeah, the only time I've ever put on AM is to hear a sports game, which is rare because I don't listen to sports. Mine's for traffic and news. Like if you're in your car and you're like, shit, I need to know what's going on because they always have that every 10 minutes. I only used to listen to it when Art Bell was on. When Art Bell was on AM, I'd be coming home from the comedy store

at 1 o'clock in the morning listening to Art Bell, talking to some dude who just got here from Mars. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Art Bell had the best fucking show ever for driving by yourself late at night because it was always some fucking UFO shit or cloning. Pre-podcast, though, you'd probably be listening to something different.

Yeah, yeah, but it was nothing like that on the air. And shows like that, you could actually get your call through because it's late at night on AM. It's got three guys on the line, tops. Well, didn't he have a guy who called and said that he was in Area 50? I'm calling from Area 51. And then at the end, he yells and hangs up the phone and is saying that they fucking captured him.

He's trying to tell them where all the UFOs are and all the security that we've got down here. We have seven craft. I can't believe I'm telling you this, but there's seven disc-shaped crafts. They operate. We don't understand what it is. They sent us in here to back engineer them. Shh, hold on.

Something's coming. Hold your line. And they just hang up the phone. It's like Orson Welles all over again. Yeah, it probably was Phil Henry. Well, what do you think in terms of, all right, you've got a big podcast. again yeah it probably was phil henry well what do you think in terms of all right you you got a big podcast i have a i have a fairly big podcast but i feel like what the fuck could the future possibly hold except this free form uh all content no restriction radio how does that compare for

free anywhere you want it you can download it listen when you want, pause it. How does that compare to I got to have it on, it's streaming live, it's censored? How do you think in 10 years people are going to listen? Because it started as radio, it's becoming, then it was satellite, podcasting. Do you think this is the one that's going to hold? Well, I think there's a place for this. And this isn't the ultimate thing to sit

when you're home with your girl and you want to watch something on TV. You don't want to sit and watch a fucking podcast. I mean, that's weird to sit and watch a conversation. I think you maybe want to watch a movie or maybe you want to watch a sitcom. But for times, especially when you're doing boring labor, like you're fucking stacking boxes and shit, there's a lot of people that are listening to this right now that are working jobs.

And they either have an iPod on or they have a little you know a a player somewhere where it's it's a you know an mp3 player or whatever the fuck it is and they're they're listening to this while they're driving in their cars they're listening to this while they're on planes there's a place for this form of entertainment you know and that's why i really don't have any desire to do anything else you know i've i've thought about doing other different sort of TV projects But really the best thing that I do Is like this and stand up And then the UFC That's like enough stuff

It's like to venture off into more acting as well It's just pretending Yeah when I look at the fact that In stand up and podcasting I can literally say anything Except kill the president It's a mind bog Did you just he's

not mitt is not president yet i can say i think i can say kill mitt romney no you can't you cannot no he's running for president i'm just saying in theory um but i guess my my question really though is like do you think that eventually it's going to be like you're going to turn on your radio in your car and it's going to be podcast streaming. It already is. It already is. It's Stitcher. Ford has the sync, which has like a 3G built into it, and you can download Stitcher and stuff like that.

But Stitcher steals content, and you need to get off Stitcher. I got off it. I've gotten Corolla off it. I've gotten everybody off it because they steal your content. They cut and paste it. You don't get any record of the downloads. Yeah, you do. They've got –

You get full charts and records and numbers. They didn't use to. And they're running ads. They're running banner ads on your content. So there's advertising going on your content that you're not participating in. Yeah, those little iTunes ads. Those are million-dollar ads. I don't know what it is, but this is what I know.

This is what I know. Stitcher is an easy resource to put something out that's already free. My thing is already free. And Stitcher allows more people to get my free shit. That's how I look at it. A lot of people like it. They use it. I think it's a good deal.

To me, it's just another distribution platform. My advertisement is in onit.com, which I own part of, and in the Fleshlight, which has been our sponsor since we were on a laptop with fucking snowflakes in the background. Yeah. So for me, I like Stitcher. I like the fact that it gets to other people. Some people don't like it because it can mess with your iTunes, your ratings, your iTunes numbers.

But we're always in the top ten, and we have every way you can get it. You can download it as a free MP3. You can have it through an RSS feed. You can have it through Stitcher. You can have it through Ustream. You can have it through Vimeo. We have it on iTunes. We make it as readily available as you can get it. Copy it, throw it up on Torrance.

Who cares? Do whatever you want with it. It's out there. Say you had a CD. Somebody buys it. That's different. To me, it doesn't even need a metaphor. Your content is being taken and sold, basically.

They have done a service for me, and they've distributed it to me. But you can do that service. I'm already doing that service, and they have expanded my market. They've given more people something that I do for free. And they have a good product. That I do for free anyway And they have a good product. That I do for free anyway.

And I only do, I mean, I only do it free. So if more people get my free podcast, good. So if somebody's making a couple bucks selling little ads in order to distribute my podcast, that's what it's worth to them. It's not that much money. Well, I guess for me, my issue is I have ads that I get paid per download. I see. And that they weren't giving me the count on those.

So that was taking money out of my pocket. I see. And then on top of it, when I found out that they were running ads on my content, that's double, that's a double whammy. And to me, it's like the more guys that are on Stitcher, the more people just go, well, fuck it. I'm just going to listen to podcasts on Stitcher instead of people going, I'm not going to be on this thing because it's a bad business model for the future of podcasting. Well, now you have numbers. Well, you have a different sort of a take on it. My take on it is not based on, I didn't have a thing that would pay me based on downloads. So that makes a lot more sense that you'd be pissed.

Yeah, but now you have the numbers. You can give them those numbers of those downloads. I actually use Stitcher so much because I like the software. Yeah, that would actually be a thing if you could work it into, that'd be the best solution. Like, listen, I still have additional downloads outside of iTunes. Can we incorporate those in? Yeah, why wouldn't you add them up anyways?

They should be able to because they're still legitimate listeners. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good point. I guess I got Miffed because I found out about it, and I emailed them. They didn't respond. And then when they finally did, they denied it. And then when they were found to be, oh, no, yeah, we do do that, but we'll give you like a penny per million.

And it's like, first of all, don't make me an offer now that you've already stolen it and sold it and made money. And now you want to negotiate and give me a shitty offer? So I just thought, these are bad people. These are not. And I've had the same conversation with a number of big podcasters who had the same experience. When they confronted them, they denied it. They made shitty offers. They were disrespectful.

And to me, it's setting up a business model. Because say down the road, you do this. Say you do this. You say, fuck it. I'm doing four podcasts a week. And I'm not going to go on the road. I'm going to sell ads. Now all of a sudden, there's going

to be other aggregator sites like Stitcher that have already culled your RSS feed, copied it, pasted it, so it's not connected and you're not getting counts. Do you have public RSS feeds on your website? Yes, but they have to be, you know, they have to stream through my RSS feed. They can't just take the content. Right, if they stream your RSS feed though, then that means... But they don't. No, no, I mean that means that you're just saying that any player can do the same thing Stitcher does. We cannot have another RSS feed argument. Yeah, let's not do that.

Let's talk about the goddamn political race. But it is an important point that you're bringing up, and especially what you were saying that you were getting paid by the download. And I didn't have any experience with negotiating with them because to me it was nothing but a good thing. So I didn't get to experience the lying or whatever you say you experienced. I didn't get to experience that because my the whatever you say you experienced i didn't get to experience that because my take was right away was like okay good now more people can hear it

yeah yeah we have hundreds of thousands of people that listen outside of itunes so for us it's it to have the more distribution that way the better and stitcher is actually really good people i had dinner with the the president and he he was of course you're giving them free content no no no they probably love you i'm giving free content out to every single person in the president and he was really nice you're giving them free content no no no they probably love you i'm giving free content out to every single person in the world and they just happen to have the a player that that they uh use i mean it does the same thing it might see i don't get what you and a few of the other podcasters guys are saying because you're you're giving something for free out oh wait a minute didn't you have an argument with somebody on the show

all right well let's fuck it i don't want to go down that road. Let's just say that I said my piece. I get you. We're both going after different things with the podcast. And I guess there's going to be... Look, we're finding... Podcasting is finding its footing and how it's going to be delivered. And this will be an ongoing discussion

and see what makes most sense and what's the most ethical. Yeah, I mean, a bunch of guys are doing different things. Like, Marin, I know, has a thing where you can't get his old ones unless you pay. Yeah, premium listenership. Yeah, premium. Yeah, that's smart. Yeah, I guess. I think he's done really well with that.

Yeah, but it seems to me like you're charging someone for something that you also have for free. Like, why not just have it for free? He's just trying to find new ways to make money. I know, but it seems weird. Like, you know, like the old ones, they have to pay for the old ones. Like, what's, don't you want them to get all your stuff?

Like, it's, if you want any of it free, I just, it seems to me that it should all be free. Well, I think so to a point. I think that with, a lot of times with premium membership, they take out the commercials.

Oh, really? And they, you know, a lot of times, like I have, I have something I give away for free, which is like the best of Fitz Dog Radio. And it's just, I've got like five or for free, which is the Best Of Fitz Dog Radio. And I've got five or six, like Zach Galifianakis and Jimmy Kimmel, some bigger names.

And I sort of took the best five, six, eight minutes from each as a way of just promoting the show and putting it out there. Originally, I was thinking, oh, I should make a bunch of Best Ofs and sell them. And I went, no, that doesn't make sense. I'd rather drive people. It's all about building. I just want more and more people to experience it. If they like it, keep listening. If not, they tried it. Well, what we started doing is Brian started that death squad network of podcasts just for that very reason when I was telling you about at the pool hall to try to expand, to use the popularity of this podcast to promote the pop, you know, to make that more popular and

sort of launch all these little different guys off into their own little podcast world. And because of podcasts, a lot of our friends are making a living now that weren't making a living before. That's great. And they've done it. Duncan and Ari, they're professional. And they've done it through content, not through marketing, like their name or their last comic

standing appearance. But actually, you've listened hour after hour to me, and now you're going to be inclined to come see it. They'd love to come see it. Joey Diaz, apparently, they did a gig up in upstate New York. Joey got a standing ovation from the entire fucking room. They freaked out as soon as they saw him. He's a star. That's amazing.

He should have been like that a long time ago. He needed something like a podcast to really let the audience see who the fuck he really was. The day that Whitney Houston died, I said in honor of the death of the great Whitney Houston, here's a video of Joey Diaz talking about selling coke to her. The day she died? She died. I totally should have done it.

I totally should have done it. It was so rude. Did you get a lot of shit about it? No. No. no look that was one that everybody saw coming i mean that was ridiculous yeah i mean whitney houston had that tv show with bobby brown do you remember i know crack is what yeah oh my god they'd be screaming yeah it was it was chaos they'd be screaming at each other remember when she would they would be i said they'd be screaming i didn't. They'd be screaming at each other. Remember when she would, they would be. I said they'd be screaming at each other. I didn't say they'd be screaming at each other. I thought that's what you said.

I said they'd be. They, da-da-da-da-da-da. How dare you, Brian? How dare you? Oh, boy. They'd be screaming. That's offensive to some people. You can't even say that.

They'd be screaming. You can't talk like that. You're not allowed to. You can't. I agree. They'd be talking like, whoo-wee. Whoop, whoop, whoop. Yeah, you're not allowed to.

You're not allowed to say that. I find the more I say it, the more I'm allowed to. You know, it's all about saying it a lot. You have to, like, stay wet. It's like, you know when you get out of the pool and you dry off and then you no longer go back in? Just stay wet. Our vocabulary is slowly being diminished.

Yeah. You know, someone talked about the Jeremy Lin incident where a reporter got in trouble for saying a chink in his honor I know accidentally. Yeah, he wasn't saying it as a joke. Yeah, it slipped out. That is what you say It's not so we're supposed to run every fucking thing We say through the prism of political correctness and who might how how do you talk? Craziness or unless the guy was trying to be cute because then you have to say if the guy was just trying to be cute Yeah, that's kind of a douchey thing to do.

If the guy was just trying, I mean, he's never really going to admit it. He's not going to say, look, I was trying to be cute. I got caught. Yeah. Whatever. I said, chink.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a Chinese guy. You get it? You know, but people were upset enough that that guy, like, he got suspended, right? He got fired. He got fired.

I think the writer, somebody wrote it, and then he said it. I think the broadcaster might have gotten suspended or got got his wrist slapped but i think the guy who wrote it into the copy got fired was fired well he was probably trying to be cute if he wrote it actually wrote it down come on when you write things you think about them way more than just say it's hard to think he didn't catch that i said kamikaze this weekend in japan during a fight and it was totally accidental because a guy was losing but it's okay kamikaze is not like in in japan like saying kamikaze in japan is not like calling

someone a chink it's like that those are like they were revered warriors yeah they risked their lives like they're they're they're brave risked them done they extinguished them well they're pretty sure they're at the end they were correct but there was a dude who was losing, and I said, look, he's losing. The only way he's going to win this fight is if he goes just fucking kamikaze at him. I didn't even think about it until somebody wrote it online. I can't believe Rogan said kamikaze. That's what I would say. That's what I would always say.

You've got to just go kill or be killed. Just go in there. Dive bomb on him. No, I write on a lot of black shows for some reason. I've written on like four black shows and I always say shit. Well, Wanda Sykes and Cedric the Entertainer Presents.

That was the first gig I ever got. Louis brought me onto that. And then I wrote on Jamie Foxx's show this past spring. And so every time I come in, it's like because I'm white and it's almost always like all, like the Jamie Foxx thing,

I was the only white guy and I was brought in, things weren't going well and then they brought me in and Hugh Fink to try to help out. What was the Jamie Foxx thing? It was this guy named Afion Crockett had a sketch show that Jamie Foxx was producing. And, you know, it was a late night talk show

and everything I said was taken like, oh, you gotta say whip, like let's whip this into shape kind of thing and it was always like oh there he goes again they were calling me mr magoo because i would just blindly walk into things it was funny like they nobody was offended but it was like the running joke oh is that it's so easy to just say the wrong fucking thing right no it was hilarious it was like classic ball busting. And yeah, so no, it's hard, man, because I really do feel like every time you put a word, take it off the table, you're taking the idea off the table. What you're really doing is saying, no, we're not allowed to explore, discuss, dissect,

and possibly deflate an idea. dissect and possibly you know deflate an idea we have to just pretend it's not there because we because it's just i don't know um i don't know where political correctness even comes from you know who came up with the idea that people go to college where you're supposed to open your mind and then tell a comedian that he can't tell a bunch of 20 year olds you can't say fuck i can't say fuck in front of a bunch of 20 year olds allolds. All they do is fuck and drink, and I can't talk about drinking or fucking. Why am I here? Why are you charging them 30 grand a year? For what? To protect them from ideas at college? Do you know that the board of governors of every major university is overwhelmingly occupied by Fortune 500 board members? Really? Yeah. College is there to create middle managers.

It's there to dull down anybody that's going to challenge the status quo. My wife's dad is a- I thought it was just there to ruin neighborhoods. All the Ivy League schools are in the worst fucking neighborhoods. Columbia. Well, Harvard.

Yale. You can get shot and stabbed anywhere near Harvard. Yep. Berkeley, I think, at one point get shot and stabbed anywhere near Harvard. Yep. Berkeley, I think, at one point was a bad neighborhood. I think it's good now. Berkeley is good now. Yeah. Yeah, but it's close to Oakland, right?

Isn't it? Does that work? Yes. Yeah, it's Oakland and then Berkeley. But the point is, my wife's dad, who graduated number one in his class from Yale, got a medical degree, ran for president on the Green Party in California in 2000, and got close to Nader. Brilliant fucking guy. His textbooks are published all over the world. He had the Alger Hiss Chair in Sociology at Bard

College, a very progressive, liberal, Jewish school in New York. And he wrote a book that was anti-Zionist. In his opinion, Israel is a terrorist state that has attacked the Palestinians. He lost his chair. Wow. He was fired because the alumni didn't like his view. Wow. What the fuck is a college supposed to be?

Yeah. Discourse, argument. But that's not what it is. It's just preparing people for work. Yes. I mean, it's sort of discourse and argument, but it's also preparing you for work. For what work?

I mean, if you look at the future of this country, where is the work coming from? It ain't coming from the fucking auto factories. It ain't coming from the farms. We don't know where it's coming from. It's going to come from minds that have gone into the depths of challenged ideas and come out of it with the tools to take the status quo and change it and create and develop i couldn't imagine even existing and going to school in the age of the internet it must be so fucking different i I know. It must be so different

because you can't stop anybody from Googling anything at any time. The teacher can't be full of shit. Everything has to be checked and the information is passing so quickly. No, you can go to classes. I forgot, I was talking to somebody in college and they were gonna sit down

and open up their laptop to watch the class that they'd missed because they videotaped the lectures right and you can just download them so you're you know you got an eight o'clock class in january in boston you're gonna get out of bed fuck no you wait two hours and you watch it on your computer so why are you in boston paying for a dorm room right and all this shit just go to uh what's the what's the online university what is the phoenix What is it? Phoenix. Phoenix. Yeah, yeah.

University of Phoenix or whatever. Well, I think MIT offers, they offer a lot of their lectures available online as well. Like, there's a lot of like, you can literally get, I mean, there was like the education joke in the, what was the movie with Matt Damon and- Strip Tease? No, the fucking, the Boston Boys. Matt Damon and- Show me the? No. The Boston boys. Matt Damon and Born Identity Good. That's Matt Damon. Who's the other one?

Who's the one who married Jennifer Lopez? Affleck? Ben Affleck. Good Will Hunting. Good Will Hunting. Remember he was talking about his Harvard education and he was just joking about yeah, you get that with a library card. Yeah. Who was the comic in Boston who talked about going to Harvard versus another school Harvard education, he was just joking about, yeah, you get that with a library card. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Get that education with a library card.

Who was the comic in Boston who talked about, like, going to Harvard versus another school and how much better it is? It's like, what do they have professors at other schools that go, sorry, I can't teach you that. You got to go to Harvard to learn that. I mean, I'm sure it's just more competitive, right? Well, I think it's, you know what it is? It's about networking

you're gonna go to school with kids whose dads went to harvard and they could afford to pay this and who had the juice to get you in and you're gonna those are they're gonna be your cohorts as you grow older you want to call in a favor you want to call a friend from fucking uh university of phoenix or from harvard who's gonna who's gonna help you out more and it's yeah and they're most likely all going to be successful as well as they get older. And what's really interesting is those guys that get into secret societies when they're in college. Oh, yeah. Skull and crossbones. Yeah, yeah.

That's real. Oh, yeah. That's fucking real. Those Ivy League schools, really high-end schools that the Illuminati all send their kids to, they really do join secret societies. Yeah. The skull and bones, they really like weird gay shit to each other. Oh yeah,

cloaks and robes and fucking hitting each other. They do a lot of weird shit. And then there's stuff that's more out on the surface. They're called dinner clubs at Harvard and you try to get into a dinner club and it's just, it's a more transparent version of Skull and Bones, but it's the same thing.

These are my boys. We're going to watch each other's backs, you know, in college, beyond college and the criteria for getting in are fucking creepy they happen this one happens to be all jewish this one is all german jewish this one is all you know uh people whose grandparents came over on the mayfly it's all like these specific fucking clicks and it's the same thing i was thinking origin basedbased click not always i think there's different ways they distinguish themselves and i'm sure some of them are based on like

you know this is somebody who worked who's done a lot of community service work so let's have a dinner club but a lot of them are based on you know your blue blood you know what what your dna is and who your who your parents were and and that's the thing also but then on the other hand like i remember boston university there was like the French house. There was the gay house. There was the black house. It's like, I thought the idea was that we were all gonna get together

and mix it up and get to know each other. Why are we fucking secluding? This is segregation. Yeah, yeah, it certainly is. I'm against college. I really am. I really feel like my kids, I've got a college savings account.

They got about two years paid for each at this point. And I don't think I'm putting any more into it. And when they turn 17, I'm going to go, you got two choices. You can fucking waste your brain for a few years of college or take this money, join the circus, go to Europe and backpack. I don't give a fuck, but you're going to work. You're going to explore, challenge. Louis C.K.'s mom saved up all this money to send him to college. And then when he had a chance, he went to NYU film school, got in, looked around, and said, Mom, I got an idea for a short film. Can I take this money and make the film? I think I can learn more than I can at the school. And she thought about it, and she gave him the money. He made a short film, got into Sundance, he ended up as the head writer

of the Conan O'Brien show, and then Chris, I mean, it was like, you know, there's other ways to make it in the world if you really know what you want besides going to college and being fucking coddled for four years. Yeah, well, I always felt like just learning, like sticking to their lessons, like if you, you have to have some sort of a base of education.

You have to be able to express yourself in the education. You have to be able to express yourself in the world. You have to be able to understand things. But once you get to a certain point, when you're 17 or 18 years old, if you have an idea of something you want to do, you know, if you want to be a gymnast, you want to be a professional gymnast or a fucking bike racer, it's not going to help you to learn Roman history. Yeah. It's really not.

You know what it's in fact going to do? It's going to take up a lot of time. It's going to take away some of your focus. Prime time. From to learn Roman history. Yeah. It's really not. You know what it's in fact going to do? It's going to take up a lot of time. It's going to take away some of your focus. Prime time. From doing your other shit. Yeah. Prime time of your youth. Oh, you're going to learn, you're going to be in a band,

but in the meantime, you're going to learn calculus. No, you're not. You know what you're going to do? You're going to have a shitty guitar skill. Yeah. You're not going to be as good. Yeah. You're just not.

You're not going to be, you're not going to get in. You're going to, you're going to like be on the outside because you half-assed it. Yeah. No, I think you've got to go out. I took a year off after high school. I never thought I'd go to college, and I traveled around. I saved three grand.

I went to Europe for six months with a backpack, and I came back going like, wow, I want to go to college. There's a lot of shit I want to learn, and I'm not ready to be out there. I knew I wanted to be a writer, and I wanted to go. I wanted to study great works. I wanted to learn how to write, and I, and I did. And, and I, it was a great experience for me. I wouldn't have known it if I'd gone straight in from high school. And I also think that like, uh, BOCES should be offered earlier in high school. When you're a sophomore, you may know that you want to be,

but, oh, in New York, they call it BOCES. It's like a vocational school. Like if you know, you don't want to learn calculus and you're a sophomore, you can start going to cooking classes or small engine repair. And by the time you graduate high school, you're qualified to be a chef or a lead mechanic and eventually own a shop. Yeah, but a lot of people don't want their kids to be boxed in like that because then if the kid grows up and then eventually wants to actually go to college, well, now he doesn't even have the base for it and he can't even compete. No, you still get your core classes done. Okay.

But instead of learning, say, a second language, which you have to do in high school, you sub out those for these, you go away like three days a week for half a day to a vocational place and learn a skill. Okay, now I remember the name BOCES. Now that you're saying that, now I remember it. It sounds like a slander,

but it's actually the name of the program. Yeah, I forgot about that. Well, yeah, well who the fuck knows what they, I mean, I the name of the program. Yeah, I forgot about that. Well, yeah. Well, who the fuck knows what they, I mean, I didn't figure out what I wanted until I was 21, what I wanted to do. You know, I really didn't know until I started doing stand-up. Did you go to college? Yeah, I went to UMass Boston. Oh, you did?

Yeah. You finished? No, I only went for three years. And I only went because I didn't want people thinking I was a loser. Yeah. That's the only reason why I went. It was to barely pay attention. Yeah. Just, you only reason why I went. It was to barely pay attention. Yeah.

Just, you know. It's a lot of money to not pay attention, man. And it was weird, you know. I was, you know, I would be taking classes and, you know, I would, like, one of them was a weird sociology class with this fucking guy. I'll never forget this guy because he was from Haiti. And no matter what we talked about, no matter what we talked about no matter what we talked about when you talked about the the the philosophical works of leonardo da vinci whether

it was uh you know uh anything it was buck in haiti what we would do is we would say this and he would always no matter what the fuck we talked so that would became like all i could concentrate on was how many different things this motherfucker could connect to Haiti. Because he always wanted to hear himself talk because I think he was learning English. Yeah. You know, so he wanted to hear it. Well, back in Haiti, that's all he would say.

And you just want to go, dude, you're not in Haiti for a reason. Why are you trying to draw from that well? This is the new well. He would wear a tie, a suit and tie in college. It's crazy. It's fascinating. He wanted to argue about everything yeah well the fucking Haitians man they like to argue that's why I talk to my cab drivers they're either Haitian I talked to this guy he was a Iranian cab driver the other day and he's taking me back from the airport and we start

talking about this and that I was I was talking to him about uh you know whether or not he thinks that I that we're gonna bomb Iran I go right into it with him. Like, do you think we're going to bomb Iran? And we get into religion and he goes, you know, I don't know. I couldn't be there because they wanted you to, he was a Muslim, that they wanted you to believe this and they couldn't accept it.

I could just believe that it was exactly the conversation we had earlier about atheism. He goes, I know there's a God. I know there's a power. I don't think that man has the capacity to assign meaning to it or to understand it. And I was sitting in the back going, here's an immigrant from Iran who drives a cab.

I grew up upper middle class in New York, college educated, I'm a comedian, and I feel exactly the same way spiritually as this guy does. And that's fucking amazing to me. It doesn't matter what culture you're from it transcends that it really i think if somebody like you were saying if you really examine yourself and you're truthful about your you know uh what your reality is it it comes

out there there is one human experience i think and college to me is supposed to be a place where they pull that shit out where they get say look here's four years we're gonna give you a place to live place to eat now just fucking go to town on your brain you know someone needs to develop a much more unconventional method of teaching people where they truly can go towards things only that they're interested in you know you've got all your mathematics and everything already let's let's this is instead of you know learning about history learning about what the fuck do you want to learn about? Let me tell you something. This is what will qualify you for. Get really good at that.

What are you interested in? You're interested in this. Okay, well, let's take you down that road. But so many people don't even get that opportunity. You're forced to fit into a hole, whether it's a round hole or a square hole, whatever it is. You're forced to conform to become whatever the fuck that hole is. And then when you have people that were like that girl jennifer that i was dating

had a restaurant hotel management that was her major yeah that's right and that poor fucking girl she went from right out of college to working 16 hours a day every fucking day she was always exhausted she was always broken down and that's what she had to look forward to all the people in the restaurant hotel bar management world those fucking people would work for a salary always salary no one got paid overtime and your work was never done you were doing and you spent four years not doing that so you're behind the people that started doing the same shit and it's all you know what it's also about is like technology and uh you know digital media every information and and the progress of uh every industry changes so fast.

If you're going to college, you're learning your industry from a guy who learned it before you started college. You're learning yesterday's industry. And then you're gonna try to go into computers or you're gonna try to go into even acting. There's different styles of acting. You go and you got these old acting teachers that learn from Stanislavski and they're teaching you you know repeat and answer and repeat I fucking suck at

audition I spent two years in the neighborhood playhouse in New York and I fucking suck at auditioning I I'm a good actor but I don't get the chance because I fucking suck my own dick when I go into a casting room nobody taught me how to do that because they were they wanted to teach you Russian theater. And it's the same with every industry. You're learning the fucking dinosaur method of things. Yeah, that used to be the way it was with martial arts until the Ultimate Fighting Championship sort of came around.

Everybody was learning this old style of doing things where it already evolved past that. It should have been in a completely different stratosphere, but everybody was holding on to the traditional methods and no one was exchanging information. Who is the first person, who would you say is the first pioneer in that kind of crossover mixed martial arts? Well, the most significant guy

is Hoist Gracie, because he was the guy that won the first Ultimate Fighting Championship, and he won it in a way that proved that a smaller man with more skill could defeat a bigger man because that was always the goal of martial arts was like the bruce lee thing where this little guy could fuck up everybody but the reality is in striking that really doesn't work yeah because little people can't hit as hard they just can't yeah i mean a little guy who can kick kick you in the

face yeah it can hurt you but the reality is most fights end up on the ground and the little guy might throw a kick and slip because the fucking beer bottle fell on the floor and there's water everywhere. And you don't have the footing to throw fucking wild head kicks in the middle of a bar. But when push comes to shove and you tangle and you go to the ground, then you have to understand how to grapple. And what the jiu-jitsu that Hoyce Gracie had when he fought in the UFC was Brazilian jiu-jitsu. And no one here knew what the

fuck that was dudes had no idea what that guy was but ufc at that point was that was that was chain link fences and it was in another country right well no it was denver colorado was the first one okay you know it was put together by horian gracey who is uh hoist's older brother who's a lawyer he's a very smart guy what year is this about about? 1993. And it changed everything. Because my whole life I had been a striker. I had done kickboxing and Taekwondo. It was all striking. And this was the first time that I had seen what could happen with submissions.

I'd wrestled in high school, but I never really pursued it much after the one year in high school. I'd never learned any chokeholds or anything like that. And seeing this guy just dismantle people on the ground, you'd be like, holy shit. Yeah. Like, what would I do?

Like, all these other guys, these big, strong guys are getting strangled. What would I do? He strangled me too. You know, it was an inescapable conclusion. I saw it. I was like, the inescapable conclusion is if you didn't know what this guy knew and you let him get a hold of you, you're fucked. So he changed it the most.

So he changed it the most, but in terms of, like, what we're talking about, which is that when you try to do things differently, people will try to stop you. Yeah. Pragmatism. It's still trying to fight off the stigma that it's this vicious back alley, too brutal. But wasn't this year kind of a big test for UFC going to that next level and going on network?

Yeah, because it came on Fox. It is completely up the profile. Is it a success? Did it succeed? Yes, and Fox is really enthusiastic about it. They have a big long-term deal, and they've seen the UFC develop over the years. It took a long time before they got interested in it, but they got interested in it at the perfect time because the product is so developed. The brand is so developed.

The fighters are so high level now. I mean, the referees are great. Everybody's, safety's at the all-time high as far as like scanning and checking. The broadcasting

is state-of-the-art. It's easy as fuck. That's the easiest thing. Well, it's easy because you love it and you know it. It's very easy. Yeah.

It's a fun, exciting thing to do, but it's like, for me, it's as natural as it can be. Some guys don't seem like... I watch Jim Rome. I know a lot of people love him. I feel like he's working. I don't feel like the guy's enjoying what he's doing. Like it's him.

Yeah. Right. Yeah, I know what you mean. A lot of people, in that world of sport, that's a bullshit world. The sports world is full of shit. There's too many guys in fucking Italian suits talking about something that doesn't need to be talked about. Too many guys with basically the same type of talking. What we're dealing with here,

you know, they have this artificial strip club DJ. And Joe, what do you think? Next week, Minnesota against another team. Which one do you think will win? And why? And how many points and why? And Utah, oh my God. And it's always these ex-jocks

that are wearing suits and they look surprised they're in a suit. Like, oh my god, I'm in a suit. I'm in a suit again. Look at me. I'm in a yellow suit. Let's go to the Latino mulatto chick on the field who knows nothing about sports. But she's hot as fuck. Always. They have that on Showtime when they do

Strikeforce. They have hot girls that interview the fighters and they put together, you know, they do a good job. They put together some questions and they feed them to her. And then she knows a little bit about the sports. She can banter a little bit if she has to. But the most important thing is she's hot. Yeah. Yeah, like, yeah, look how you did that.

Yeah. Give me something to look at. Mix it up a little. Yeah, a sweaty guy with a hot chick. Yeah. I got lucky with the UFC in that I got in before it was ever big. I got in like real early. That's the second big wave you've caught in your life.

I'm lucky as fuck. I've always been lucky. But not lucky. I mean, I was trying to say this to you before when we were playing pool. When young comics ask for advice, I just want to say to them, live a life, do something.

You know, don't just fucking write notes and go on stage and then, you know, talk about your cubicle job and go travel stage and then you know talk about your cubicle job and go travel go you know follow your path like you've always stayed with martial arts and then all sudden this thing comes up and it wasn't lucky it was the fact that you had um honored your your passion not just in being a stand-up but in life and that's what i say to young comics like go you know like me i got married and i had kids that's something I really wanted I love I'm into I talk about it on stage and you see people go oh I'm not gonna be one of those guys talk about my kids on stage it's like it

doesn't matter what I talk about I'm saying it right you know anybody can make a topic interesting if it's truthful and real that's a weird thing that people do when they believe that somehow or another if you talk about children like all of a sudden you've fallen into this sellout like really pacified sort of wishy-washy sort of stand up. You abandon the possibility that anything could actually be really funny about having kids when in fact there's funny shit that happens all the time. Yeah well not just funny but it's... Perspective. It's existential you know I mean you're talking about life here. There's nothing getting any deeper than looking at your son.

Like, I'm going through this thing now where my kid is like, I'll tell you, he's testing for his black belt in taekwondo in the spring after fucking seven years. He's 11 years old. He's captain of the soccer team, straight-A student. He is fluent in Spanish, goes to a Spanish immersion school. He's the tallest kid in his class. He's fucking beautiful looking.

And I go, I need a DNA test. No, I don't fucking. You don't believe it? I'm the opposite of that. Short, scrawny, horrible athlete, horrible fucking student. Maybe it's the hormones in the beef. It could be. It could be.

Kids are getting way bigger. They're 100% they're bigger. And girls are having their periods earlier. So I'm going through this thing that I'm kind of. Well, you're a good dad. You raised them well. I mean, that's a good sign. It is a good sign.

I'm proud of that. And it's also, but it's a great premise. Like, I know my kid's going to be stronger and smarter than me soon. And it's fucking scary. And I'm trying to think, how do I hide it from him? Well, you don't have to. You just be a great dad. You don't have to.

Look, my. Start using a belt. As I was. It's too late. I'll hit me back getting older there was always uh these old martial arts guys that were around that were treated with great reverence yeah you know you could easily kick their ass they were old they were old and broken down but you never thought of that yeah because you had always developed great

reverence for them just as long as you develop respect in your kid your kid's never gonna challenge you you never have to deal with that shit. I think it's a very base biological. I think it's just like a real in the wild kind of thing. Yeah, it is a little bit, but you know what? You just got to calm that down by letting him know that you're on his team, you know, and letting him know that everything that you do to discipline him is only for his own development.

It seems weird, but you went through it just as much as he's going to go through it. Yeah. And it is hard because as the dad, and I don't know how deep you are into that part is like, I feel like i have to be that you know it's a role you know i end up being the disciplinarian more than my wife does of course well you know there's a balance there's a yin and a yang and there's a mom and a dad yeah and just the way it is and you know you should be i mean my point of view is you should be as loving as possible but the shit stops with me yeah you know

and you know that's how it's always supposed to be. That's how it is in a fucking gorilla colony. Yeah. When everybody's going crazy and fucking swinging off trees and the gorilla goes, everybody settle the fuck down. Yeah. All right? The man's here. Yeah.

We got this. Let's calm down. Yeah, you can learn a lot about parenting from the dog guy. What's his name? Caesar. Yeah, kick your kids. Everything he says. Well, oh, does he say that? Kick the dogs? Kicks the dogs. Oh, I didn't know that. You didn's his name? Caesar. Yeah, kick your kids. Everything he said. Well, oh, does he say that?

Kick the dogs? Kicks the dogs. Oh, I didn't know that. You didn't know that? Yes. No, I just knew that the whole pack mentality thing is. He doesn't kick them. He just taps them on the side.

No, no, no, no. He heals them in the gut. And if he did it to me, I'd punch him in his fucking face. No shit. Really? Yeah, it's a kick. It's a kick. Yeah.

Well, you know what, though? The reality is that people don't want to hear you have to be physical with dogs. I never hit my dogs, but I used to raise pit bulls. And the one thing you have to do is you have to dominate those motherfuckers. I used to slam them on their back. I used to mount them and bite them. I'd bite their face and yell at them. Because if they growl at you a little, man, you have to cease and desist that when they're a puppy.

You have to make sure that you make them know that you are dominant over them, but you're loving to them. You control them. Like, listen, bitch, don't you ever fucking do that you are dominant over them, but you're loving to them. Yeah. You control them. Like, listen, bitch, don't you ever fucking do that again, okay? Yeah. We good? Give me a kiss. Give me a kiss.

Yeah, yeah. No, I have two little pussy dogs, but one of them is a biter, and I just grab her by the scruff of the neck, and I push her face down, and then I put my face in front of it, and I growl. Yeah. And granted, look, it doesn't matter how small a dog is. That motherfucker bites. My friend had a fucking miniature pincher, and this motherfucker bit the shit out of me once we were watching TV I was just sitting there and the thing snuck up behind me and just jacked me in the back. No Oh, yeah out of nowhere. It was a creepy dog. Never heard of that my life you on the couch and just fucking

Was a mean little dog, I don't know what happened to the little dog in its development. What'd you do? You motherfucker! He yelled at it and it ran away. I was like, dude, you gotta lock your dog up, man. Your dog's a biter. He punctured skin on my back. Yeah. Actually, it's funny you bring that up. The reason my son's in Taekwondo is he used to bite other kids when he was like three. And we're like, what the fuck are we gonna do? And someone said, Taekwondo. It'll teach him restraint,

discipline, peace. And I'll tell you, man, in six months, he just stopped. And he's like this well-disciplined kid. But no, but it's all on me, this thing with my son. I know that it's a psychological thing. And it's just, but I'd be embarrassed to think that. And I say it out loud. And I talk about it on stage because to me, that's what stand-up is.

What's the thing I'm most embarrassed about in my life right now at a deep level? And it's like I have a very Oedipal feeling right now which is a real thing that dads go through with sons

is you start to I felt it with my dad. But your kid's only 11. Yeah, but he's a big kid. Yeah, yeah. If this shit hit the fan it might be a struggle. Well. Yeah. You can always start taking jujitsu now. Keep him away and you Yeah. if this shit hit the fan it might be a struggle well yeah

you can always start taking jujitsu now keep him away and you yeah start lifting now I believe me I see only good things

for us in our future it's just it's a weird emotion to feel yeah you know my friend Rick has two kids

that are 20 and 18 now and he's like they can both beat my ass yeah like you just that's what it is how's his relationship with him fine

yeah it's a good dad kids used to go through a period in their late teens where they fucking hated you and i don't think they do as much i think parents are better now and they're i think there's obviously that pull away part where they have to find themselves among their friends more than their family but it's not that violent i hate you as much i think there was a lot of because i said so when we were growing up. What the fuck? Give me a goddamn X. And now I think because enough generations get through that where you say

I am not going to do that stupid shit when I had kids. I'm going to respect my kids intelligence. I have long conversations with my daughter about why it's wrong to do this. And this is what's wrong because when you do that I know you feel like it's right but you hurt other people's feelings. And you should always avoid hurting other people's feelings if you can right right and then

we'll have a long long nobody ever did that with me it was because i fucking said so go to your room and you know that's what what we got when we were kids there nobody was educated on how to psychologically properly evaluate and how to raise children because their parents grew up in the fucking depression. My grandfather used to tell stories about breaking rabbit's necks. How you break a rabbit's neck to put a pot to make rabbit stew.

I was like, Jesus, you ate rabbits? What the fuck was wrong with the world back then? But my grandfather living on a farm as a young boy in Italy. That's what you had to do. There was no getting around that. Also, growing up in a young boy in Italy, that's what you had to do. There was no getting around that. Also, growing up in a Catholic country like that, there's an intense shame that's put upon you at a young age.

You're taught at an early age, you're born into original sin. Adam and Eve fucked up, so you're bad and dirty, starting out. And then you get to sex. Well, Jesus came out of an immaculate conception because any woman that actually fucks to make a human life is a whore she had to be pure like all these images that you may not even process but they get into your hard drive when you're young of like shame on this shame on this bad i was raised with it and it's like the biggest thing i've been catholic guilt is like the the east coast's main curse and it's like the biggest thing I've been. Catholic guilt is the East Coast's main curse. Yeah.

It's one of the things most fucked up about the East Coast is the wave of Catholic guilt that has just polluted all the consciousness, the consciousness of all the different people there. Yeah. And think about what our grandparents went through, man. I mean, look, our parents were raised by our grandparents. Our grandparents lived in the dark ages, essentially. They lived in an area with no fucking television. There was no nothing when they were children.

There was no nothing. There was the written word, and occasionally you would see a photo of somebody. Yeah. I mean, Jesus Christ. I mean, imagine what it was like growing up, literally at the turn of the century, 1900. I mean, fuck.

You didn't travel. You had no outside influences so whatever you were taught whether it was by the church or by your parents that were living in fear that was your whole reality you had nothing to balance that out so you you bought it even more so than maybe i was affected by a catholic upbringing back then there was no separation between what you were living and anything outside you in the world. And my grandparents, I don't know about what generation you are as far as immigration. Mine all came over from Ireland, my grandparents.

Yeah, mine as well. My grandfather came over from Ireland on my father's side. My grandmother on my father's side came over from Italy. And both my grandparents on my mother's side came over from Italy. So everybody took a fucking crazy chance and jumped in a boat, went across the ocean. So they were nuts.

They were the nuttiest fuckers ever. You didn't even know what was over there. No one had an idea. You had stories. People told you stories. You got to see a picture of what New York City looks like. And they took a fucking chance like animals. I always think about that.

The second you step off the boat, maybe you got a piece of paper with an address somewhere in the city. You've never fucking, you've never found your way in a foreign place in your life you grew up in one town that you never left now you're surfing manhattan trying to find second avenue it's crazy and you if you've never seen the gangs of new york most people don't know what manhattan used to be you just kind of assume somehow that it was always this city yeah the big buildings. No, it was craziness. It was a nutty village. It was really... It was feudalism. It was gangs of people. Gangs of New York.

That was really what it was like back then. And it's an amazing thing to watch. It sort of puts the whole idea of settling this country into perspective because most people can't really wrap their heads around how quickly the United States has developed. The idea that 1776 it was formed, that's nothing. That is like nothing. There was nothing here.

A few houses, a few fucking log houses here and there, and then all of a sudden, in a couple hundred years, whoosh, everything. Manhattan, fucking Atlanta, Chicago, fucking roads all the way across this bitch, back and forth, covered in concrete. Whoa. Yeah. Cars flying over it. You're freaking me out right now.

The fact that that happens over... I swear to God, I was looking in your eyes. I was like, holy shit. 200 years. Yeah. In 200 years, it went from that to 1776. Yep. To 1976.

200 years. And then you think about and this is my always my thing people go well black people need to get over it yeah there were slaves two fucking generations ago yeah that's a short period of time to expect an entire uh culture of people to recover from uh a really fuck you talk about catholicism being fucked up two generations ago how about your grandmother was getting raped, and your father and mother were split up, your aunts and uncles were split up. I mean, that's a lot.

And granted, I'm not like, I think affirmative action was a failure. I think that we're grappling with how to try to equalize society for all people. I don't know the answer. But I do know that we've got to look at it as our problem. It's not their problem. I think it has to do with poverty in general. I think you have to address poverty from the standpoint of children being raised in poverty.

Children's. Children's. The children's being raised in a bad community. I think children being raised in poverty and neglect is always the big issue. Because if you don't do something about those kids now, you are just essentially, you give them no choice but to become criminals themselves. If they're being raised in the environment,

they imitate their atmosphere, everything around them is bad, everything around them is negative and neglect. What is happening? There's got to be a way to get to those kids, to get to those kids and help them. So there's something where it helps their parents or some sort of a community outreach. But the idea that people at the top say,

why should I give them anything? Fucking single mom just wants to have more kids. I'm like, well, isn't there a root cause of that? That single mom was someone's baby at one point. Obviously, someone fucked that baby up bad that it became a grown adult that just shits out kids for welfare money. What we got to do is get to them when they're babies. Get to them when they're babies and help them.

Help the mother. Help for the sake of the humanity as a whole. Exactly. As a super organization. Selfishly. That's the thing about it. Selfishly, yes. Here's the thing about the conservatives is very often I find that there is a short-sightedness.

If they're the party of economic restraint and responsibility, I think that you're creating a bigger deficit and you're creating a more fragile economy when you have people that are uneducated that grew up, like you said, in an atmosphere where they were abused and they don't have the tools and their role models were shit. If you allow that to happen, it's a drain, selfishly, on your economy. Yes. Abso-fucking-lutely. And on your safety. Yeah, absolutely and on your safety Yeah your economy and your safety investing in the infrastructure of inner cities and building the bad neighborhoods and turning them into better neighborhoods and giving people chance and hope and giving them a possibility of Positively contributing to society. Yeah, instead of being a burden there. There's something that anybody wants. Yes

They want a root of happiness again going back to these studies is the the most that you can boil it down to and there's something that helps. It's all anybody wants. Yes. That's the root of happiness. Again, going back to these studies, is the most that you can boil it down to, and there's this guy that wrote a book called Happiness. He teaches a class at Harvard. It's the most attended class in the history of Harvard University. And he's a guy that's taken every type of thought, going back to fucking Confucius and Jesus and Jung and then modern psychiatry,

and basically just studied it for a decade and come up with basically happiness is pursuing something that you care about and feeling vital. That's it. Not welfare. Nobody wants a fucking welfare check to raise to be a single mom. People want to be involved. They want to feel that they are making an imprint on the earth.

Yeah. So some sort of a community outreach. And then, you know, you've got to have things that help people get off drugs. Just for a fact. There's going to be people that are fucked up and they're not going to be able to make positive decisions because they're on drugs. And if that's your environment, if that's your community, if that's your neighborhood, it's within your best interest to clean these people up. Yeah. And it's not the war on drugs. No best interest to clean these people up. Yeah.

And it's not the war on drugs. No. It's abuse. Cutting off the need to do drugs is what is at the core of it. It's treatment. Treatment. It's treatment. Not incarceration.

Yeah. And not judging people. The more things are illegal, the more people are going to do those illegal things. Yeah. It's always been the case. And at least if you had legality, you could... first of all, it should always be a social pariah and you should boycott any fucking company that would profit off the sale of those drugs. They should be, the stigma.

Which drugs? Any drugs that you sell that fuck people up. The negative stigma should be the punishment enough. You should be disassociated by society if you choose to sell on something that's going to cause people to fuck up their lives. And we all know that there's drugs that do that. Anybody who's selling meth is a piece of shit. It's 2012.

We've got the info. But there's always going to be a new hillbilly Coke can. There's always going to be a fucking ammonia mix with this that gets you high. So to me, it's about how do we cut out the abuse? How do we cut out the loneliness, the uselessness that creates a need for drug use or alcohol? Alcohol is the fucking, that's the unsung hero of failure.

You know, it's worse than drugs. And yet it's on in the Super Bowl and it's legal. And, you know, to me, I don't want to go down that road because that's a whole other fucking podcast. Well, that's also when you changed as a person when we were young. You got much more serious about your career as well when you quit drinking. Yeah. You know, you were the first guy that I knew that you handled it great

because you didn't waver at all. You're like, look, I can't drink. I drink, I get fucked up, I can't handle it, period. I don't want to be a loser. I'm done. And you did that when you were like, what are you, 22? No, I was probably 24 when I did it. And, you know, I had started drinking very young.

But it was stand-up. I mean, I couldn't drive to gigs if I lost my license, and stand-up was the first thing in my life I ever felt like I might be good at. I was like, I'm not going to lose this. It's been my dream since I was a kid to be a stand-up. So you're not a stranger when it comes to the pulls of addiction and the idea that it could ruin your life. Think, what if you didn't have stand-up?

What if you were in a pit of despair with a shit job and no future aspirations, more hopes, nothing on the landscape? Fuck, man. You need an option. It's easy. There's got to be a compelling option because getting high feels fucking great. Nobody can deny that. And if you don't feel great and you can feel great, that's what you're going to do.

And the only thing that feels better is feeling like people are expecting you to produce something and you do it and you feel good about it. Well, especially as an artist. I mean, and I hate that word, you know, hey, man, I'm an artist. But putting out something that you create that people enjoy, they love it. You know, people like podcasts, like this, like your podcast. People love the fact that they can get some enjoyment out of this. Like when I go to, the only podcast I really subscribe to, other than a few of my friends' stuff and Desquad and stuff,

is the Psychedelic Salon, my favorite podcast. It's like this guy, I think his name is Lorenzo. Lorenzo is the guy who runs it. And he puts all these really interesting lectures, like Timothy Leary lectures and Robert Anton Wilson and Terrence McKenna. Every week there's some new really cool fucking interesting lecture

by some really educated trippy people. It's really awesome. When I look at my iPod, when I sync my iPod on, I'm like, ooh, looky, looky. It's a treat. You get excited. It's like now I know when I'm in my car, it syncs up with my car, so I'm driving around and I'm listening to it.

I love that. I love that that's a treat that you can get for free. And it's pretty good feeling to think that people feel like that when they see your podcast come down. And for Brian and I, it's particularly satisfying because we didn't have any aspirations at all. We started it off. You could see the first one still available on Ustream with a laptop.

It's terrible. It's unwatchable, right? Yeah, it's just because we weren't really paying attention to it. People listening, we were more like, hey, they're just watching us. We'll just hang out in the chat room or something like that. Hey, dirty bitches. What's up? What's going on?

And read someone's tweets. Yeah, dude. Yeah, we're coming to New York. I remember those. I remember listening to an early one and going, there was just a 30-second pause. I think somebody went to take a leak. Like, you guys didn't care. I took a shit in the middle of the podcast.

I said, I got to take a shit. So, Brian, you talk to them. So, Brian's like, so, everybody, do you like cats? I just remember hearing, like, shit moving around and no one talking to me like, oh, I kind of, this is kind of cool. This is like just a hangout. Well, that's the real evolution of the podcast is available for everybody to see. So we, I always knew that I always wanted to do a radio show,

but I always knew that I would never be able to do a radio show. Like no one would ever hire me to do a radio show. And I thought maybe when satellite radio came along, like I was, I like right when saturday radio launched i became pals with opie and anthony and they always like you know hey we have a channel you know we'd always love to put you on the channel but nothing ever really happened out of it and there was some talks and nothing ever took pace but then once i started doing a podcast i was like oh this is it yeah like this is way easier this is and now like i've got all these people coming on, like all these interesting people and all these like bands. Like we had B-Real from Cypress Hill yesterday.

No shit. Yeah, dude. We've had Everlast from the House of Pain. He's done it before. And his band Honey Honey is on next week. And then Sam Harris, the neuroscientist who's the atheist author and lecturer. Oh, yeah? He's coming on.

He's fucking brilliant, man. He's awesome. I'm lecturer. He's coming out. He's fucking brilliant. I'm so excited about him coming on. We've been able to turn it from what it was supposed to be, was just us fucking around, to what I really should have probably been doing in the first place. No thanks to cupcakes.

It's kind of like what we were talking about before with The Office or The Man Show, the fact that you're stepping into a preconceived creative paradigm and trying to fill it up is a failure. To start with a podcast that aspires to nothing and then organically it builds itself,

then it knows what it is. It's got a foundation based in who you really are as opposed to like, you know um even as a comedian you're starting out you go through so many different masks you think i'm gonna be like i was gonna be the clever guy or you know i'm gonna be a political comic or i'm gonna use props yeah go do it go do it until it doesn't work and keep shedding and then eventually you're gonna be the comic you're meant to be and i think with the podcast it's the same thing you kind of just you explore and you start to feel what feels right and hopefully not respond so much to like,

well, people love this. I try to avoid that. Yeah. I think people love what you love. And if what you pursue, if you pursue what you love, then people connect to that and they can appreciate that. I can appreciate that even if it's something that I'm not really into. What I love is someone else being into something. I love seeing people's passion and honesty. And what you get from a podcast you don't get from anything else is there's no restrictions on time. We don't have to cut to a commercial. The thoughts never have to be interrupted. I mean, we didn't decide how long we'd go on.

We've been on for, like, what, two hours and 40 minutes or something like that? What? Yeah, yeah. Shut the fuck up. We do that all the time. Yeah, we do that all the time. And they just go on. Let's take a 15 second pause.

Okay. You don't get an opportunity to have those kind of conversations. Yeah. Especially with someone that's in the public eye or someone that's a comic. No one gets a chance

to really get to know you like they do in this form or like they do on your podcast where you're constantly communicating with them. When they've heard you communicate for 100 hours, they fucking know you. they do in this form or like they do on your podcast where you're constantly communicating with them. When they've heard you communicate for 100 hours, they fucking know you. You can only hide so much.

And you know what's amazing is every podcast, no matter how long, I end up hanging out with the guests for another 45 minutes afterwards. And you're like, they don't wanna leave. People don't wanna leave. But you could've just kept going. Yeah, and well, I do to a point, I always feel like a lot of times because i do

the serious show first they've already given me an hour and then i usually shoot a video with them i do this thing called talk your way out of it where i give people and i'll do it to you right now okay i'm gonna give you an uncomfortable situation okay and then in a split second you're gonna have to talk your way out of it as if you're talking to the person okay all right um all right you go to the doctor's office. Okay. And he's going to check you out. So he bends you over the table.

Okay. And then he goes, I forgot the rubber gloves. He walks out. You notice that the medicine cabinet's open. You reach in. You find a bottle of Vicodin. You see it. As he's coming in, he's going to bust you.

You take it. You stick it up your ass to hide it. The doctor spreads your cheeks. He wants to look at your colon he puts his finger in he pulls out the bottle of viking and talk your way out of it oh that's where that was five words five words that. Five words here in the clear. Oh, that's where it is. Like you're thanking him. Oh, thanks. I was thinking maybe, but no. Usually it takes like two minutes.

People talk around it. They describe different five words. Just go right for it. Come on, man. You already busted. I found a Viking and bottled up your ass you're a freak I did that

I did that to that particular one I thought of because my last show was with Natasha and I did that to her but it was in her pussy and she had her feet

in the stirrups and she goes oh I was just tightening that for you that's hilarious but yeah so fuck this is great That's hilarious But Yeah so Fuck this is great

This is great I just forgot We were talking about it It doesn't matter Oh yeah Natasha's pussy You're talking about Natasha's pussy

Threw you off That's what it is That's binogamy Fucking with you son Jesus That's what it is That image The image of her

In her underwear What's your image right now When you jerk off What's your scenario That works It's variable Changes Yeah it's variable i go through streaks one particular thing or another i stay i tried to stay away from porn when i first had kids yeah just because of the idea of the daughter that would eventually become someone that's someone's baby but you know what i can't fix it it is what it is she's sucking dick and i need it yeah yeah

who do you watch imagery what's your scene I don't have a you don't go to like categories and pick like just what's crazy yeah what looks hot whatever's nuts

yeah I used to have like like types but I don't even have types anymore you never know just click around I feel bad for Asian women now I can't watch Asian porn anymore

give up I watch too much of it and then I started to feel like when I saw Asian women in the real world, I started to feel weird, like I wanted to apologize. For beating off in front of them? For beating off so much. Were you on a steady diet of Asians for a while?

A lot of Asians. Because I didn't get any when I was young, and I got married before. I used to date a lot of black women and I dated a couple Latino women and I never dated an Asian woman and I find them just absolutely, they're so beautiful and their feet, they have such cute little feet. You would have loved Japan. In Japan, they're so friendly.

Yeah? Come on. Everyone's so friendly. Yeah, Brian and I were just talking about the other day when we got back. We were just there together for the UFC. Now, are you married, Brian? I were just talking about it the other day when we got back. We were just there together for the UFC. Now, are you married, Brian? Nah.

So you get to experience somebody. Well, he's got a girlfriend. Well, I have a girlfriend, but yeah. Good tell. The beauty of the culture is the politeness. Yeah. And the women are so polite as well. Men are so polite.

Everyone's so polite in restaurants, in bars, everywhere you go. And the women are so polite as well. Men are so polite. Everyone's so polite in restaurants, in bars, everywhere you go. Everyone, like, when people run into people on the street, like, everyone's just, like, they're so polite. It's a completely different culture than ours. Really fascinating. Like, it almost literally truly is like an alien world.

Like, you land in a world where everybody's just polite. The language is totally different. The people all, like, you know, they look Japanese. They universally look Japanese. Japanese do. Yeah. The language is totally different. The people all look Japanese. They universally look Japanese. Japanese do. Yeah. It's amazing. So you're in this new place

where everyone behaves super polite, very orderly. When they had the tsunamis and they were giving out aid, people just waited in line. Yeah. Patiently, politely, disciplined. I mean, the driver was really interesting.

We had a really cool driver and he spoke very good English too too and one of the things he said was about the uh the deal the deal with radiation you know fukushima that a lot of people are sick and the government lies about it and he was like well the problem is that we trust the government the god we don't they don't it's they're not into rising up and questioning the government. People are into the, they trust the government, the government has their best interest, and then they keep their eyes on their own business and they do what they have to do.

So there's not a lot of like, this motherfucking government, we're trying to take this motherfucker down! There's none of that there. It's politeness and not subserviency, but knowing your place, discipline, you know, respect. You know, you never try to...

Respect of the community and the family. You don't try to do better than your boss. Yeah. You don't try to do better than your boss. Yeah. Callan was telling me that when you... There's etiquette as far as businessmen. And like, say if your boss orders a certain type of scotch,

like a very expensive old scotch, you don't order that. You order newer, cheaper scotch. Interesting. You don't order what he orders. And the bow is based on that also? Do you bow lower to somebody who's superior? That's a good question.

Yeah. The lower you are, the lower you are under that person. So that's why you can get in a bow fight with somebody if they think that they are lower than you. And that's where it's like back and forth. Wow, like rams. Right. And all of a sudden, you're sucking your own dick. told you you know what's up guys you know you're losing the

balance contents when you're sucking your own pp what's up you know you're underneath somebody when you're looking at the guy behind you you remember when uh one of the funniest things about doing the road was like working with Black Comics? Because if Black Comics were supposed to be the middle act, they always had heard from the booker that they were supposed to be the headliner. Yeah. But if there was two other Black acts, they were always, I got to go up first. Yeah. I'm leaving.

I got another gig. Because they all wanted to do like some of the same references. Like with Road Hacks, there's like, black road hacks had so many stock jokes. There was so much like, I ain't seen this many white people since my trial. What am I, the only chocolate chip in the cookie tonight? How many times have you heard that? Or the fat guy who takes the mic stand, moves it. Let me get that out of the way so you can see me applause, laughter.

Yes, yes. That was the thing about out of the way so you can see me. Applause, laughter. That was the thing about Boston was that Boston did not tolerate hacks. We were so lucky that we came up in a time where that shit was ridiculed. When we would go on the road and we would work with road hacks. All roads are off. You guys fucking. Look at what you're calling a fucking act. Look what you're slapping together. And then when you go to New York, when you're a Boston comic and you go down to New York,

all of a sudden they're like, fuck, man, you're good. It's like, yeah, because we had to be different, you know, and you had to not be hacky. But the further you travel from Boston, the more, like you said, use your bit. Maybe do the guy comes in late. What do you say when the guy comes in late, Joe? I don't remember. Can I get you anything? Like a fucking clock?

Yeah. Yeah. Every time, and it's applause break. You had like those savers, and you wouldn't dare do that shit in Boston. True. But if you were up in Maine, fuck. Race to who can do that first. Hey, I don't come to your job and slap the dicks out of your mouth.

That was just a gem in your pocket. There was a lot of tools that we had, especially as young scrubs. It's almost like what you had was a scaffolding that allowed you to put together your little comedy house because you really didn't have the structure to do it on its own. It wouldn't hold up. So you had it.

So I'm saying, the guy's in the back room going, I fucked your mother. And I'm like, Dad, no one cares. And the other comics in the back crossing it off. I can't do that one now. Do you remember those Norm LaFoe gigs

that we used to do? The greatest, yeah. Jays and Pittsfield and oh my God. It was like, I had never been to Western Massachusetts and you would just get

on the Mass Pike and you'd get off some exit, just a number with woods around it, and then you'd drive for another 45 minutes, then you'd get to a normal faux gig. Western Massachusetts is a trip. That's why UMass Boston, or UMass Amherst, rather, is so beautiful. Yeah. That Amherst town is amazing.

It's amazing. It's like this really cool fucking town in the middle of nowhere in Western Massachusetts, and there's so many towns like that where it's like what has brought the town together is essentially just the college and the people stayed. Yeah, you go to Madison, Wisconsin. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Lincoln, Nebraska. Boulder, Colorado.

Yeah. Yeah, there's a lot of places like that. Yeah, that's why I always think like, you know, I really would like to teach at some point. I always think about going to a cool college town. really would like to teach at some point. I was thinking about going to a cool college town. I would like to teach comedy. I'd like to teach, like, you know, all aspects of it. Yeah, like comic history, comic method. At this point in time, you're essentially a PhD in stand-up.

You know, you're a master. I mean, I've written it on sitcoms. I've written it on late night. I've written sketches. I've done stand-up. Grammy winner. Yeah. No, you're a Grammy winner.

Four Emmys. Daytime Emmys. So talk shows? Yeah. Ellen DeGeneres. Two for producing and two for writing. And then I won a, what the fuck was it called? A cable ace award.

Are you an Ellen Besties? Oh, fuck. She just called me. God damn it. I got to call that bitch back. No. No. I mean, we're nothing.

Did you ever kiss her on the lips? I did. Did you ever wonder what it would be like to make love to her? Yes. Really? Did you think about that? That's got to be weird. Well, I think if you put me in an office with a number of women, by the end of the week,

I will have imagined each of them. Did you ever see her Mac? Did you ever see her put her girl Mac down? The last time I talked about this I got a call from a... A lawyer? Yeah. Really? Yeah, I can't talk about it. Wow. Oh, did you sign a non-disclosure when you

worked there? Yeah. Oh, you shouldn't be talking to me right now. She's an awesome person, right? I love her. Love her to death. Love the show. Love everything about her. Jesus. You know what's wild? I saw her on one her to death. Love the show. Love everything about her. You know what's wild? I saw her on one of those HBO Young Comedian specials. They play them on HBO now. Have you seen them?

Yeah. That's fucking great, isn't it? Yeah. It's like I saw her in these balloony fucking, like, Joey Buttafuoco pants and a big blousey shirt and a mullet. And then you see, like, Jerry Seinfeld come, and he looks like he's fucking 11 years old. Yeah. I love watching those.

Yeah. You know how to good one, man? I always wonder whatever happened to the guy. Rick Dukaman. Oh, God, yeah. Rick Dukaman was fucking funny, man. Yeah, yeah. He had some good shit.

Yeah. He was always angry at everything, but it was a different kind of anger. He was like, he would leave the microphone in the stand. I remember that, because all my guys, like my favorite comics, like Pryor and Kinnison and George Car like, he would leave the microphone in the stand. I remember that because like all my guys like my favorite comics like Pryor and Kinnison and George Carlin, they always carried the microphone. Yeah.

But he would leave it in the stand. I was like, wow, he's angry with it in the stand. This is a new approach. Yeah, yeah. He was a funny guy, man. I always wondered

like there's always a few guys that like, they were really funny at one point in time and then you're like, where's that guy? Where did he go? What happened?

Well, you know what's cool is like Dana Gould to me was like that when he was young i was like fuck there's nobody funnier than this guy and then he went off to write for the simpsons and i was you know casual friends with i'm much better friends with him now didn't see him for years and then all of a sudden he came back like with a vengeance yeah and now he's like phenomenal again but in a totally different way i watched him one of his first sets back he still had it but it was weird yeah watching the guy put together a new act. A new act.

He clearly knew how to do stand-up, but you could see him doing it, going, wow, this is... It was really kind of interesting. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's like that with Chris Rock every time, man. When he starts... Here's the thing about Chris Rock.

You got Dave Chappelle, who I think came out of the womb, grabbed the mic, and was funny. And then you got Chris Rock, who's a guy when... I don't know if you've seen him when he starts out. It's fucking painful. He is.

I've seen him go on stage with just ideas and not knowing where they're going and trudge it out on stage and not have it work at all. No. I mean, he's a guy who I think is obviously extremely funny, but at the same time, I think he's cerebral funny,

where he thinks about it, he writes it, he rewrites it, he works hard, and then he comes up with an hour. His Bigger and Blacker, is that what it was called? Yeah, yeah. I mean, I'd put it against any hour of stand-up ever. Yeah, ever. But the way people get there is, you know, it's fucking different for everybody. And, you know, I think seeing somebody start to finish, that to me is a great TV show.

I'd like to see something on Comedy Central where you watch, put the cameras on four or five comics for three months. Developing an act. And watch them develop interesting comics, different styles, and watch them write, hone, rewrite, bomb.

That's a great idea for a show, dude. You should pitch that. The thing is, though, that very few guys actually put together an act like Louis does every year, to have people do it like that. But if you force comics to do it for a show, then at the end of it, you do a special. At the end of it, they all do a half an hour. It's an hour and a half special. You follow three comics over the course of a year or six months.

Say six months for 30 minutes of material. That's plenty of time. That's fair. Yeah. You know what? Really, you could probably do year or six months. Say six months for 30 minutes of material, that's plenty of time. That's fair. Yeah. You know what? Really, you could probably do it in three months if you really had to bust your ass. I think you've got to do three because that would be tough to get it for six. Cycle, filming cycle. Yeah.

Right. Well, unless you could come. I mean, you could pace it out where you come to them like once every couple weeks or something like that. For multiple people. Yeah. Yeah, and I wonder if there's a way to. Three, you follow three, but you really follow six and you use the best three.

Right. Yeah, and I think there's also maybe you front load it with like they each have to get topics assigned. If you want to make it kind of a reality show, they paid off with this new 15 minutes, but just to keep it honest, they have to start,

I don't know if they all start with the same topics or they draw from a hat for topics. There's something to give it honest, they have to start, I don't know if they all start with the same topics or they draw from a hat for topics. There's something to give it some structure. Yeah, some real Last Comic Standing shit. Because you know what I didn't like about Last Comic Standing? When they forced those guys to start auditioning in front of two judges and do their act. What the fuck is that?

That's not even stand-up. If you really want to watch them do stand-up, go watch them do fucking stand-up. You're making a guy tell jokes to you give him some dignity yeah and you're trying to do this whole uh the the what's his name from um the the english guy the english guy from star search stymie simon camion they're doing the simon cowell bullshit they're like trying to be like please enough that joke is never going to work you know they're they're they're doing this like harsh judgment thing because there's a lot that's what a lot of people like you know i don't think that's the way to feel i think the way to film a stand-up show is not in front of a live

audience like that it's in front of a bunch of live audience yeah follow a guy around yeah yeah have a reality show where you're following stand-ups while they're putting together a special and then at the end of the whole thing, they actually do their special. Monster live event taping at a good-sized theater. The only problem, though, is then the people are going to know the material. So really the best way to do it would be recorded in advance.

Yeah, you bank the whole thing and then you roll it out later. Yeah, you couldn't do it live. No. But you could do it that way where you watch a live audience respond to that material and you see how that guy's developed it and you'd really appreciate it

as a person who enjoys the craft of comedy. Let's write it up. Let's write it up. I'm going to pitch it. What do we call it? Stand-up comedy. Comic can. Comic can.

Ew, how dare you. I'm kidding. Comic can. I think we call it from scratch. Comic, comedy from scratch. Comedy from scratch. Something like that. I like that.

I like that. Because that's essentially what it is. And then you pick people with really different styles. Comedy from scratch. That's perfect. You nailed it. That's it. That's the name.

I like maybe you get the same five topics. You're going to do 15 minutes on five topics. Then you get a guy who's a storyteller. You get a guy who's a set-up punchline guy. Prop. Yeah, but we're limiting ourselves if we give them topics. If you just let the guy explore, then you get to see where he's coming up with his material. Yeah, but you don't know if he didn't already write it.

I want to make sure they're not pulling some old shit out. That's true. Plus, it would be all cum jokes. That's true. Well, you know be all cum jokes. That's true. Well, you know what? You know what? You disqualify them from the show if they do. I say, listen, man, you can't lie about this.

If we find out you're lying about this, you're fucked. Yeah. We want all new material. Yeah. I still feel like it needs a starting point. It needs like a crisp like, okay, starting from here. How about this? Maybe, how about this?

Maybe there's three comics, right? We want them to have five new topics. Each one has five new topics. You assign them five topics and they come up with material. How about they have like a fucking big wheel and they have to reach in and pull the topics out. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, like we spin the wheel and you reach in. What's your first topic?

Yeah. Marriage. Goes up on the board. Oh, shit. Yeah. And then there's also the pitfalls of hackery. Like, how do you avoid, you know, like this subject's been dumped. You have to do a joke about women's tampons.

I'm sorry. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Do a joke about buying women's tampons? Is that what you're going to do? Price check. Price check. Tampons aisle five.

I mean, is that? How can you avoid the hack premise? Yeah. Well, let's play it right now. I'll give you a topic. You do a joke. You give me a topic. We'll play three rounds.

Okay, go ahead. All right, I'm going to start. And they should be hacky premises just to prove that you don't have to do it. Kittens. I fucked them. Oh! Come, I came.

Oh! Big fat fucking ace. Oh! Come. I came. Oh! Big fat fucking ass. Oh! That's a good show. Okay. Yeah. Midlife crisis cars. If you buy a Prius, you might as well just put a white flag in your balls hanging from the antenna because it's over.

Greg actually bought a Prius. We were having a conversation before. He goes, I go, please tell me this is your Prius. He goes, yes, it is. We're walking down the street. He has no idea which car is mine. It's a Venice mobile. He's living in Venice.

I know. I knew you had a Prius. And the worst thing is I still have driving rage, and I cut people off, and I speed. is I still have driving rage and I cut people off and I speed. And the worst thing is there's a button on your dashboard on the new Prius

where it takes all the electrical shit out and it's just a fast, light little Toyota and you go really fast and you get no gas mileage. And that's how I drive all the time. Well, they did a thing on Top Gear where they had a Prius and an M3

and they sent them around a racetrack and the M3 actually ate less gas than the Prius did when it was driving around a racetrack. Oh yeah, it's meant for around town. That's where you save the gas. But not when I'm driving. Stop and go. I fucking floor it. But what he wanted, what Greg really wanted, was one of those spiffy new Dodge Challengers.

Yeah, the big one. Those awesome. With the Hemis. Those cars are awesome, man. They're beautiful. They sound good. They fucking look great. The shape is satisfying. I found one and I was looking at it. It was They're beautiful. I love them. They sound good. They fucking look great. The shape is satisfying. I found one, and I was looking at it. It was a year old. I got it down at CarMax, and I was going to get it for like fucking 24,000 loaded V8.

And then my wife and kids were going, Daddy, the environment. You got to get a Prius. What kind of pussies are you raising? I know. And I just, I caved. Meanwhile, Prius is filled with conflict minerals, okay? Priuses have

lithium ion batteries. They're getting those from fucking little kids picking up minerals for the Congo. It's terrible. Yeah. There's nothing,

there's nothing good about the way they construct those fucking things. You know, the only idea is that you're using less gas

while you actually use it. Yeah, and what do you do with the batteries when it's done? Yeah, it's fucking toxic. I made a mistake.

I made a pretty big mistake. Motherfuckers. KP, you're from a Challenger. That's a man's car. I know. That's a car you can appreciate. When you hit that gas, you hear the rumble of the V8. You feel it.

Yeah, it's a car. It's a man's car. It's a man's car, and when I pull up to a red light, and I'm next to a woman, I'm married and whatever, but I need to be able to look her in the eye. And with the Prius, your eyes go straight ahead. You just keep straight ahead.

Yeah, you're just useless. This girl fucking popped a zit on the side of her face in my direction in front of me while I was at a red light. Fuck. You're off the menu. She's looking at you.

Prius driving, little bitch. Bald little fucking Prius. Nothing. I popped a zit in front of you. Until the blood comes out. I'll keep squeezing until the blood squirts. Yeah, there's certain things you don't want to ever see a girl do if you're going to fuck her. Pop a zit is one of you. Until the blood comes out. I'll keep squeezing until the blood squirts. Yeah, there's certain things

you don't want to ever see a girl do if you're going to fuck her. Papa Zid is one of them. Take a shit's another. You don't, oh, no shitting. Toilet paper on the butthole. Yeah. I mean, you can watch some shit.

I mean, not at this point in time, you know. Yeah. But, you know, when you're a young man, I have a friend who was in love with this chick and he came over to her house

and he lifted up the toilet bowl to take a leak and there was a floater and he couldn't fuck her. He was like, it was done. Really? It was over.

Wow. It was like 20. When you're 40, you just flush it for her and then you hope she wiped. When I'm 20, she could take a shit on my balls. I mean,

nothing would stop me. Shit on your balls. Actually, that would be, now I'm going to find that site. Have you ever dated a girl that was into weird shit, like she wanted you to piss on her or anything crazy? There was a girl that used to like me to choke her and slap her.

Oh, I've had a lot of that. In my car, because she was a waitress at a club in Boston. I never would do the slapping thing, but I've choked the fuck out of some chicks. From behind or front? Oh, all kinds of ways. I had one girl that wanted to wrestle before we fucked you know he's Russell like push me she would push me I'd come over her house and she would what I go what and she's like I'm

gonna fucking Russell are you serious like what are you talking about she pushed me she goes you know I'm fucking time like okay what is going on here like what are you doing and she should go we scared you scared getting beaten by a girl and then would be in this like little wrist fight thing where she'd be like grabbing my wrist and shit then i'd have to just manhandle her and that's what she wanted she wanted to just get dominated yeah yeah i could see that fuck yeah got crazy yeah she would almost what it essentially was was she wanted to get she wanted to get raped by somebody that she wanted to fuck yeah that's what she wanted to do that That was her thing. But I go, this is very confusing.

We would talk about it. She would tell me, I want you to fucking rape me. She was crazy. Wow. Yeah, and I go, listen, I don't want to rape you, okay? If you want me to fuck you as if I raped you, that we can do, okay? But I want to know when you're fighting me off that you want me to do this. This is confusing as fuck. And I don't want to develop any taste're fighting me off that you want me to do this. Like, this is confusing as fuck.

Yeah. And I don't want to develop any taste for this. Yeah, I know. Yeah. That's just it because you've been socialized to not rape. She's unsocializing you. Yeah. And that may not be limited to her pool.

And by the way, it took a while to get this out of her. When we first started dating, she was, like, super normal. Like, it would have took some time before we got to like what she really liked. Wow. It was really weird. It's like as she got a little bit more comfortable with me, she would like, you know, like want to arm wrestle me or something.

And it was real weird. Yeah. It was over the course of a couple of months. That's pretty quick. Next thing I was just fucking throwing her around, dude. Yeah. It was ridiculous. I would, I would like hoist her up in the air and like toss her through the air and shit the best is you meet a guy later and you're like oh you say jennifer i

was dating jennifer and you just look at him like yeah yeah you just just shake your head and walk away it wasn't jennifer just oh i didn't mean to say jennifer she was a nice girl no she was but but i had a girl i did a when i was at the neighborhood playhouse we had a scene from farrah fawcett did this movie i forget what it was called, but she gets raped. Oh, the burning bed. Yes, exactly. Yes. So we're doing the rape scene from that.

And I'm like, we get assigned that. And I'm like, fuck. And this girl is like, not a great face, but giant rag, good body. And so we have to rehearse it. And so we go to, you get to go to the workspace and there's a combination lock and we go in and it's just us and we're practicing the rape scene where I literally knock her down, get on top of her, rip her blouse off.

Oh, Jesus. And kind of dry humping her while she screams. So we start to rehearse it. The reason why we have to go to the studio alone is we tried to do it in class and he was like, this is completely not believable. You guys are so aware, and you're so inhibited. You need to let this scene out together.

Come do it. So we go to the studio, and I get on top of her, and I rip her shirt. She said, you know what? I brought an extra shirt. You can just rip it, and I rip it. Giant rack, and I start, and I'm dry humping her. We're supposed to be doing the lines and i start and i'm and i'm dry humping and we're supposed to be doing the lines and and we just start like dry humping dry humping and i keep and i was so embarrassed that i kept stopping i am raging hard on and i'm rubbing it against and

we would redo the scene and she was totally into it and i was totally she was totally into it sexually oh it was such a turn on it was we were both totally into it and she was dating a guy in the class so i wasn't gonna go over that line but i had to get in the head as an actor of being a rapist and i just couldn't do it i couldn't give over to really feeling what it would feel like because to really tap into what it would feel like to rape somebody and want to i guess it would require me shedding so many constraints do you know what i mean yeah like i don't know how you could really portray a rapist i felt like apologizing the whole time that i was doing it yeah that's so weird to put your mind into that place and then to to trust it to not actually

rape the girl yes that's what it was i didn't know when the brakes were going to go on if I let that. I was afraid that if I let it out, I couldn't stop it. Because it's in every man. Every man has some chimpanzee inside of him. Chimps are just raping each other left and right. They love it. That's what they do. They love to rape.

That's how you get some pussy. You've got to take it. Well, and in America, I think we've gotten away from that. One of the things you were talking about when we were playing pool that I totally agree with is that people aren't afraid of getting punched in the face anymore. No. And that's a problem. That's a problem.

You know, we've lost biologically. And your act, I know, you play a lot with the idea of the animal kingdom and how, as humans, we have to stop denying the connection, basically. Yeah, we're a species. And we developed as a species by getting punched in the face and being killed for doing this action. And so the other people survived, and they didn't do that action, and that's what shaped us.

And it's also like when I see a guy on a, like there was a guy in his convertible the other day, and he was talking on his Bluetooth phone, and I forget what he was saying, but just being a loud, self-involved douche who didn't look around and everyone could hear him and I just thought, I want to punch this guy in the face.

And I should because I'm doing society a disservice by not punching him in the face. What is it about someone that's talking loud with a convertible in a Bluetooth that's so offensive? To me, we live in a society that is supposed to be aware

of its other members and all working towards a certain set of beliefs like respecting each other's space and not being a flashy car. Don't be so needy. And it wasn't like he wanted attention. What I get insulted by is you're not giving me the credit of being a pedestrian who doesn't want to hear you. You're not even looking at me. You're making me feel like I don't exist, and you're making me feel like whatever you're talking about is more important than me. I know that sounds weird, but it's a subconscious thing where you feel like you're not validating even the fact that I'm a pedestrian right now. Right, right.

And it's not necessary, right? right now. Right, right. And it's not necessary, right? You know, if you do have your fucking car and you answer a phone call and you're like,

dude, I've got my top down right now. And I'm stopped at a light. Let me put the top on and I'll call you right back.

Yeah. Right? I would never talk to somebody in a restaurant or a coffee shop. You know, there's just things

I wouldn't fucking do. You don't talk to someone on the phone, you mean? I go outside. Oh, okay. Do you really always? Hell yeah. Do you really always? Hell yeah. Do you text when you're at dinner or the restaurant?

Yeah, but only when somebody goes to the bathroom or whatever. I don't check texts that often because I feel like there's like, I feel like life has a rhythm that we've lost. And if I'm constantly available, then I'm not, my rhythm is thrown off because it's something can happen in that text that changes my thought to, oh, I got to call that guy back or i got to do that i suddenly become a servant of my messages coming in but i try to space it out every two or three hours i don't think there's anything that important that i can't ignore i'm very addicted to uh technological technological uh communication

whether it's twitter or texting or it's very hard for me. If my phone's in my pocket and I hear beep, it vibrates. I know I got a text. I almost have to read it. You're like a multitasker, though. That's not good, especially when you're having a conversation with someone at a restaurant. You really shouldn't be texting people at a restaurant. I avoid it if and whenever possible. I'm ashamed.

I'll excuse myself and go to the bathroom and then check my emails. I would never do it at the table, ever. It's an interesting thing because we do have this weird disconnect when we're right in front of each other. The ultimate is to be right in front of a person and communicate with them. Meanwhile, you're sitting there exchanging text words with someone who's nowhere near you while there's a person right in front of you. And they feel less important now. Unless it something like fucking super important and really what is yeah really what is i know what is while you're having a conversation you get three calls a year that really are like you know you got to call back for this thing that's filming tomorrow

or your wife is taking the kid to the hospital and i love the fact about the iphone if i look at my phone i get the message right there. I don't even have to read. So I know, help, call me right now. Oh, okay, there's something going on. But what's up, bitch? Oh, I know that one's not important. I mean, look, we used to come home and there was no answering machine even.

I mean, people lived. We got by. And I think that like- How hard was it to find people? Fuck, it was hard. You had to stick to a plan. Oh, we got to end this because if it goes over three hours, iTunes shits on itself and doesn't know how to handle a file.

We didn't seriously go that long. Yeah, we did, dude. We got to do this more often. That flew. How do people get your podcast? I know it's available on Sirius, on Howard 101. Well, that's the radio show.

Oh, the radio show. Yeah, the podcast. The radio show is different than the podcast. Yeah, the podcast is FitzDog Radio. There's an app called FitzDog. And then iTunes and my site is FitzDog.com. And my book, I've got an audio book. The one I told you I wrote.

There's an audio book version available on Audible.com and iTunes. Do you write it? Did you read it? I read it and then I had a bunch of other people read it. It's all letters that my mother saved my whole life when I was in trouble. So I've got Zach Galifianakis and Adam Carolla. I've got all these famous people reading the letters as if they're the teachers. Oh, that's awesome.

That's cool. Dear Miss Fitzsimmons, right? Dear Miss Fitzsimmons, yeah. That's awesome. Beautiful. Good idea. All right, man. And so people know how to get you on Twitter.

It's Greg Fitz Show on Twitter. That's it. At Greg Fitz Show. Yeah. Thanks for coming. Hey, man. My pleasure. My pleasure. It's a lot of fun. We That's it. At Greg Fitz Show. Yeah. Thanks for coming. Hey, man. My pleasure. My pleasure.

It's a lot of fun. We've got to do this more often. All right. Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight. I want to thank

The Fleshlight for being the first sponsor of this proud podcast. We're not even proud. What are we? I don't even know what the fuck we are. We're just existing.

Look, we love you. We just have to do this. Thanks to The Fleshlight. Go to JoeRogan.net. Click on the link. Enter in the code name Rogan, and you get 15% off. Thank you to Onnit.com, creators of AlphaBrain. If you're interested in any of this stuff, just go to Onnit, O-N-N-I-T.

There's ample information. Any criticisms we've had about that information in the past, it's all been reworked, and it's done in the proper manner. As far as scientific studies, they're in the middle of doing double blind placebo studies at an accredited university right now. So this is a real supplement. I love it. I take it every day. It's a nootropic. If you don't know what nootropics are, I suggest you Google it. Nootropics, N-O-O-T-R-O-P-I-C-S. And what it is essentially, it's nutrients for cognitive function. It increases your brain's productions of neurotransmitters, and it helps you function better.

It helps your brain work smoother. It's not going to make you smart if you're stupid, but it's interesting stuff. Google it. Check it out. Go to Onnit.com. Check out all the different stuff that we have available, and enter in the code name Brogan,

and you will get 10% off anything you buy from now until eternity. Thank you, everybody, for tuning in. We appreciate the fuck out of you, as always. Please come to see us at the Brea Improv this weekend, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. It'll be me, Duncan Trussell, Ari Shaffir, and Brian Redband's going to drop in and fucking show his shit, too. Nice. Right, fella? Yeah.

You going to get your freak on? Saturday, I think. Saturday, he's going to get his freak on. All right. So good times are coming. It looks like Atlanta, 420, April 20th at the Tabernacle. It looks like that's where I'm going to be doing my special. We already sold out the first show.

We're going to add a second show eventually, shortly, soon. And that's it. For more information, go to JoeRogan.net. This fucking podcast is over. I don't have the ending song right now. Oh. Well, there's no ending song. So sing it.

Sing it, Joe. Anything to say, Greg? I love this. I love this fucking podcast. It's fun. That was fun. I cannot believe it was three hours. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no That was badass. 725.