The Joe Rogan Experience - #193 - Jim Gaffigan

Episode Date: March 11, 2012

Joe sits down with Jim Gaffigan.

And what the hell that was? A ghost. Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. Oh, you did it again with the reverb, you fucking freak. Strange man, this Brian Redman. Very odd character. Unlike Jim Gaffigan. He looks like a serial killer sitting behind wires.

Well, we just got back from a music video. He never dresses like this. Never. A music video? Yeah, we both usually dress like children. Yeah. Oh just got back from a music video. He never dresses like this. Never. A music video? Yeah, we both usually dress like children. Yeah. Oh, but you're in the video. Yeah, we were in the background.

It was a bar scene. Brian and I were holding hands and dancing together. Slow dancing. Right. Not really. No, okay. We were thinking about doing that, but then we're like, no. Maybe you should just practice it.

Just for you? You know, just in case it comes up, Brian. Come on. Come on. Let's lie down and cuddle in case there's a scene where we're supposed to cuddle. Do you want to be an actor or not? Listen, to want to be an actor, you've got to be ready 24-7 to act. You do.

I want you to act like you want to suck my dick. You know, I mean, not in a gay way, you know? I have to look at pictures of myself. Yeah it's confusing right yeah it's constantly doing that that's what the american public sees right now jim gaffigan is it also international uh yeah the world gets it the world we're not we're not douchey we don't keep our friends overseas from getting the feed no communists are watching this well we would hope that they would learn something from this, Jim Gaffigan. Maybe they'll come out of their shell.

You ever watch that, was it the Robert De Niro who starred in that movie about communism in Hollywood in the 1950s and how crazy it was? Did you ever see that movie? I think I know what you're talking about. It was during the McCarthy era where they were just accusing everybody of being a communist.

Yes, and that was kind of like that's what prompted I know what you're talking about. It was during the McCarthy era where they were just accusing everybody of being a capitalist. The blacklist. Yeah, yeah. Yes. And that was kind of like that's what prompted the play The Crucible, which was the witch hunt. Yeah. Amazing, right? Yeah. That's great.

It's kind of hard to believe that that existed, you know, just, I mean, in the 1950s. That's really not that long ago. They were like gone after communists. I mean, that's, i don't think that i think that's happening all the time there's just larger examples of it you think like blackballing is happening all the time is that what you mean well i think that we have a tendency to a a paranoia i think sure you know what i mean oh yeah yeah like you know the you know the arabs in this country or muslims had to go through some shit because I think right after 9-11, people were like, huh?

You know what I mean? I'm not talking about just the idiots. Oh, yeah. Well, a lot of like Sikhs had to go through a lot of shit. Yeah. Guys who are Indian, they have a real problem. I mean, it's so ignorant. It's like you're not even talking about the same continent, you silly people.

I know. I know. I don't know. I didn't deal with any of that. Skated right through, didn't you? I didn't deal with any of that Muslim backlash. Skated right through, didn't you? I didn't deal with any of that. Not even a little. Nothing.

But people didn't even... They didn't think I was Muslim at all. Yeah, do you think that there's a backlash to being Muslim? Well, I don't think there is if you're like... I think if you were like a Muslim actor. Wasn't there like a Muslim actor on Lost? And it was kind of a cool part of his personality. Yeah, Rish Rishan.

Remember that was like kind of a cool part of his personality. Like I think there's been representations. I think for sure the majority opinion is people are scared, jihadists, suicide bombers, all that stuff. But I think more now than ever you get a little bit of a positive perspective on being Muslim and Arabs. No, you can't call them the same thing. Like the guy from Lost,

he was a positive character. He was a badass. Well, he played a guy who tortured people in Iraq. He was a badass, though. I still liked him. You still liked him? I liked him. I mean, He's a badass, though. I still liked him. He still liked him. I liked him. I mean, it was a really interesting story.

Yeah. But he did, like, torture and kill people. It was fascinating how that was, like, a part of his life and that he was, you know, shamed by it, you know, later. And it really fucked with him. That was a great character. Yeah, that was amazing. Yeah, that was a great character.

That show was, for the longest time, one of the greatest shows of all time. At the end of it, it seemed like everybody was just walking through the motions. The last few episodes, I quit. I miss that show. But I do, too. It's on, yeah. Oh, I thought you said you missed it.

No, I missed it. I watched it on Netflix and paid for it on iTunes. Yeah, I did, as well. I even have the DVDs, which I never bought. I got the Blu-rays. It's one of the greatest shows of all time. And no matter who you are, I don't care how creative

you are, when you're doing a crazy fucking show where people are allowed to travel back in time and do all kinds of nutty shit from this magical island that doesn't even exist, when you're doing something like that, after a while, man, you've got to run dry. It must be exhausting trying to think of nutty shit that you're going to do on this fucking island.

Yeah. I mean, it's got to be amazing to also kind of tie it together with some semblance of logic. Yeah. Like, all right, so we're going to go back in time. What would happen if we went back in time? But we still want that one character in there. Yeah. So they had to.

They had weird shit, too. Remember, they had polar bears in the beginning. Yeah. And then they stopped having in there. Yeah. You know? So they had to. They had weird shit too. Like, remember they had polar bears in the beginning? Yeah. And then they stopped having polar bears. Yeah. They just. Things disappeared, right? There was that foot that had like four toes.

Yeah, the statue. Oh, yeah. That was never explained. And then they started going forward in time. Remember when Jack had a beard and they were sitting on that bridge and they were like, oh, what happened? Great goddamn show. Especially considering it had to operate within the parameters

of an ABC primetime show. It's insane. It's amazing. I don't know how... That's the hardest job in the world. I don't think shows like that would have a shot. Homeland's a good show. Have you watched that? No, I haven't. I gave up

after Lost. You did? So you just don't watch television? I don't watch anything that's not real. good show. Have you watched that? No, I haven't. I gave up after Lost. You did? Yeah. On TV? So you just don't watch television? I don't watch anything that's not real. The show ended, you threw your flat screen out the window. Elvis to TV. I only watch...

That's it, I'm done. Throw into the bathroom. I watch... It's not a good thing. It's not by any virtue. I watch Bigfoot Hunter. I watched fucking two episodes I had DVR'd. Wait a minute, there's a show called Bigfoot Hunter?

Finding Bigfoot or something. And it's like a series where they have like more than one episode. Oh, dude. It's amazing. You'd think after the first episode they'd be like, yeah, we're not going to find them. Well, it's awesome. No, the best part about it is the beginning. The guy says, I've been hunting Sasquatches for 25 years.

Plural. Quit now. Quit. Quit now. You haven't even got a video of one. That crazy asshole. That was like, you know, it's like, hey, you know how those ghost shows are really not realistic? They never really find a ghost.

What if we did it with Sasquatch? What's next, like Chupacabra? Sure. If they can sell it, they would have it. It's a fun show to watch, though, because it's so stupid. First of all, everyone has a video that they want you to analyze that may have been a Sasquatch, so they have to recreate the scene in the video. Oh, sweet.

It looks so silly because the people knew exactly where the car was and this is the tree. And so they line it up on the camera. And then they have this big guy named Bobo who kind of looks like a Bigfoot. And he goes out there and he does exactly what – and he's always way bigger than the Bigfoot in the video. So it always proves that it wasn't really a Bigfoot. That's on his resume right now. Oh, I see here you were Bigfoot. Yep, I was Bigfoot season one. Season two they replaced me. the video so it always proves that it wasn't really that's on his resume right now oh i see here you were bigfoot yep i was bigfoot uh season one season two they replaced me there was like a

contract do you remember when i wanted to make bigfoot more empathetic and uh harry and the hendersons like a whole family lived with bigfoot you know why not you should imagine there's so many of my kids i'm pretty sure i don't even trust dogs that i don't Can you imagine? There's so many shows. These are my kids. I'm pretty sure. I don't even trust dogs that I don't know. This guy's got a fucking Bigfoot hanging out with his kids.

And you know what? He probably told these stupid humans a thing or two about love. Harry and the Henderson. There's never been a real good Bigfoot movie. How about that? Nobody's ever stepped up And it's not like The bar's been set that high

No The bar is incredibly low The bar is all fraudulent videos Yeah That's the closest thing to a Bigfoot movie And I would think After like season one There's a lot of people that watch the show

And they're like Why not? Like I think you should submit a video. How come there's never been a... I mean, there was some really bad ones in the 70s or some swamp thing, monster guy. But there's never been a movie, a good movie about a bunch of people that encountered Bigfoot. How is that possible? That you have such a folklore that has completely permeated society.

He's not sexy enough. Not sexy? Bigfoot? No one's ever made a movie about finding Bigfoot. That's amazing. That's true. That's incredible, really. When you think about how popular it is, you would think that movie would be huge. Some of the movie ideas they're doing, it's based on a matchbook.

You'd think they'd have Bigfoot. Especially in romantic comedies. When you hear some romantic comedy premise and you're like, what? I don't understand. And they finally meet again at 60. I sometimes feel like I just established consciousness when I was like 30. Because like romantic comedies, like I was so dumb I think in my 20s that like when you know it'd be like uh uh you know meg ryan and billy crystal you know like harry met sally like to me that was just a movie i didn't consider that a romantic comedy which it was but now it's like this genre that is always

existed but they just kind of like just churn out these just like those didn't exist before romantic you know what existed? Movies where when a woman got mouthy, the man gave her the back of her hand. Yep. Back of his hand. Right? Yep. That's what they used to do.

To the moon, Alice. Yeah. Yeah, all that stuff. Those were the good old days. Billy Crystal fucked us. Billy Crystal fucked us. What? He fucked us and Harry Met Sally.

He did nothing wrong. He tried to be manly. He tried to be the best example. And then he caved. That or sleep distance. Because he... So you see when Harry Met Sally... Harry Met Sally is like...

It's like a sad ending to you. You're like, you know what? Everyone else is... You're like, yep, there you go. It's like a whore flick. The relationship seems like so much work. I'm like a whore the relationship seems like so much work I'm never happy when a relationship

that seems like so much work works out because I don't buy it I'm not buying it it's not gonna last you guys fight too much but wait a minute there's a lot of people

in relationships you just think that they're all acting you're like well you know I don't want Joe Rogan to think that I can't do this listen

everyone has been in good and bad relationships that's not what I'm saying I'm saying when one is to think that I can't do this. Listen, everyone has been in good and bad relationships. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying when one is a battle, one is a crazy battle with Harry Met Sally. Oh, yeah, no, where they have nothing in common. It's like we hate each other. We don't get along, but we got drunk one night and made out, so maybe we should get married.

Is it getting to the point, you know, I'm 44. How old are you? 21. You look great. Yep. Is it getting to the point yet where you look at older married folks that are just barely into each other, barely can communicate with each other,

and you look at it and you go, I could see how that could happen. I don't know. I don't yet. You can see how it could happen, right? But there's nothing normal about what we do. You know what I mean? Like, I think in some of those married couples, it's like, I do everything with my wife.

So it's not as if, you know, the conversation went like, the silent man, like, don't talk to me, Virginia. You know, like where they don't talk. You let your wife talk? Is that what you're trying to say? You know, yes. On Tuesdays, she's allowed to talk no but there's the that complete communication breakdown i don't know that's the only reason to be married in my opinion the only way you should ever i mean other than children and that of course kind of goes with the whole package of that sort of relationship

they're like a really intense relationship that's homophobic of you. Thank you. But the only reason why you should is because you feel like that. That's it. And if you don't, anything less is not easy. You've got to get your own shit together too. You're like, this is too hard. That's what whores are for.

Flashlight. You've got to suck it up. You've got to go long term. It's like stand-up comedy. I don't know. Maybe you probably did all right. But there's a lot of nights where you just eat shit. I ate dick many, many times. But you're committed.

You've made the commitment. Remember when you had friends that quit comedy? And they'd be like, I'm quitting. And you'd look at them and you'd go, I don't think I could ever quit. I mean, I really feel that way. It's like this is not something like, you know, I'll try this and then maybe I'll try archery. It's like, it's not like I had a choice in this. It's like I was resigned to be like the weird old uncle.

I didn't think that I... When you're constantly making people laugh like you are, like even just we're having this conversation, all the three of us, there's that feeling that you get when you're laughing really hard at something where all of our brains like it's just like a real energy that goes off when you're really laughing hard at something people fucking love that yeah you love it they love it you love to do it it's one of the most fun things to be able to do to do that's a whole room full of people people to go out and see it it's one of the most fun things for them to see yeah why would you how did you quit why would you quit what are you doing i mean it's it's it, it's one of the most fun things for them to see. Why would you quit? What are you doing?

It's an absolute heroine, right? Going on stage and being able to make a crowd laugh or just coming up with a new joke. And by the way, I feel like it's also a responsibility because there's Jim Gaffigan fans out there and you got them addicted to Jim Gaffigan humor and you got to keep

coming. You got to keep showing up. You got to keep coming. You got to keep showing up. You got to keep touring. You got to keep coming to them. They want to come see you again. Well, you know, I think it's also, you know, even though I think fan is, I mean, that's a different word. I think it's a weird word, particularly for me, but I think it's also really important to like do well.

You know what I mean? Yes. Not suck. well you know what I mean not suck well you know if people are paying 30 bucks it's like they better leave like if they don't leave going that was great

you fucked up some of my most inspirational moments in comedy have been from reading a review of someone who said that like oh I thought it was boring or I didn't like it you know I've read those before. And even if, you know, it's just one douchebag, like, sometimes it just makes you, like, just

that anybody could think like that. I have to stop that. You might not like the subject matter, but if anybody thinks that it wasn't a good show, I need to fix whatever the fuck that is. Right, right. It's interesting, because there's also, there also the new material police. Yes. Hard on the internet.

Which is kind of painful, but it's also good. It's kind of like, well, you know, like 79% of the show was new. You know? And then there's some people like you could do like 45 minutes new and do like 15 minutes old. And they're like, it was all old material. You're like, what about the first 45 minutes? Yeah, people will definitely do that. And I like hearing, like Joey Diaz has some jokes I can hear over and over and over again.

I want to hear some, like when I go to see a guy and, you know, he's a guy that I've been seeing over the last year or two. I don't mind seeing those jokes over and over again. I certainly don't expect in a year that he's going to have a whole new act. Yeah. Unless he just put something out. And that's the crazy – and you're about to do that right now, right? Do you do the same thing? You toss everything out and then you start pretty much fresh?

I'm – yeah. I mean when I'm in New York. But if I'm doing a theater, I think the most important thing is to try and make it half new at least but also make sure that it's a really good show so there is something about like I don't want to I don't want people because like you said some people want to hear the old stuff this is that weird thing though yeah I mean like a week ago it was all new it was like 75 minutes new but uh and I you know I have stuff that I didn't put in this you know like maybe 20 minutes Like a week ago, it was all new. It was like 75 minutes new. And I have stuff that I didn't put in this, you know, like maybe 20 minutes. So I'll start over with that 20 minutes and kind of throw stuff out.

But like when I'm doing a show, it's like it's got to be boom. It's got to be boom. Yeah. You know what I mean? You got a lot of people coming to see you. Even though mine might be like boom. Yeah. But I love, I think, I'm sorry, lot of people Coming to see you Even though mine Might be like boom Yeah But I love I think I'm sorry

I'm not gonna let you talk But I think that That's what's so amazing About you know Like we're making Each other laugh here But like That's some of why

Podcasts are so fun It's like Comedians wanna talk To other comedians We just don't have The opportunity Yeah And so

You know Getting the opportunity To do something like this You're like Well yeah No I'd love to talk to other comedians. We just don't have the opportunity. Getting the opportunity to do something like this, you're like, well, yeah, no, I'd love to talk to Joe. You know what I mean? And you were so nice because I asked to do it. Well, I'm really excited that you're doing your special the same way Louis C.K. did it. You're going to release it completely on the

internet, the same price. I think Louis kind of established it, right? Five bucks. I'm going to do the same thing. I think Louie kind of established it, right? Five bucks, I'm going to do the same thing. I think it's you know, Louie's not the first person to sell something on the internet but I think he figured it out a real simple thing.

It's like you keep it as cheap. You keep it cheap. Five dollars is not going to kill anyone. And then you make it really easy to buy and then you're just honest and uh and good you know people were looking forward to seeing louis stuff because and you know louis is the guy that in my opinion is the the most prolific i think i don't think there's anybody as prolific as him every year a whole new hour and a half or whatever the hell it is this whole new show

i did a show with him in Boston like two weeks ago. And he, this is going to freak you out. I'm not sure about this, but I'm pretty positive. He goes, yeah, I was writing material and I need 45 minutes for my show. For the comedy section of his show. And I'm sitting there going, wait a minute. So he, that 45 minutes that he's written for his show, for his 8 or 10 episodes or whatever of that show, that 45 minutes isn't even going to be part of his next hour, which he'll do probably in two months.

Really? You know what I mean? Oh, my God. That's insane. I mean, I'm not in two months, but I think he does an hour a year. That's crazy. So that's... I heard that and I was like wow yeah he must just put himself in weird situations to make things happen that are funny to talk about at a certain point in time

you just start driving to bad neighborhoods and going to massage parlors you don't even want to be reading every book on premises yeah on anything because i talk a lot about food and i feel as though there's no more food i I've talked about all that. Yeah. I have a theme of animals that can kill you. I'm always fascinated and terrified by animals that can kill you. How many tiger jokes can I do? It's so funny.

I could listen to you talk about lean pockets all day, though. Because I am a huge... Like, I eat more lean pockets than... I think it's hot pockets. Well, I do lean because I'm on a diet because he's a lady. But I seriously eat it. I'm joking. But I eat like four a week.

It's way. It's simple. It's so easy. That's really not good for you. That's the blessing and the curse of Hot Pockets, right? It changed my life. That joke. Hopefully, you know, the whole Beyond the Pale was good.

But it's like that Hot Pockets, it's a blessing, right? It's opened up so many opportunities, yet, you know, me walking through the airport, people yelling Hot Pocket is not my favorite thing, right? I mean, I don't even know how to respond to it. Do you get discounts for the coupons? Do they send you

any kind of free? No, but I used to have theater shows, and they used to have a guy dressed as a Hot Pocket, standing outside, passing out theater shows, and they used to have a guy dressed as a Hot Pocket standing outside passing out coupons or coupons. For Hot Pockets? For Hot Pockets. That's awesome. Wow. Did you make a deal with Hot Pockets to do that?

No. People thought that I was in cahoots with them, and I was like, I had to send a letter. You guys can't do that. Yeah, you got to pay me. Yeah. Right? They have to pay you to do that you don't want to be associated with i don't want to feed the hot pocket thing you know yeah you

don't want people actually buying hot pockets and having fucking heart attacks on your behalf right now one thing to crack jokes about it so are you you're doing this special when you get done with it i'm gonna release it on the internet same way and are you going to start from all all new yeah yeah you can start to go on stage they're just gonna get well the ice house here in pasadena has an annex room it's an 85 seat room and we we've been doing a lot of shows there and it's like the best place ever for fucking around and coming up with new shit oh really it's really small it's super intimate it's like real relaxed and you know and they kind of know that that's what we're doing you know right so we have these podcast shows where we do

all the comics will come and sit around and do a podcast then each one will go on stage and then come back and like a greener podcast oh wow yeah but it's a real green room i mean it really is us right before we go on stage and there's like you know you see like how much time i have left he's on now oh shit i gotta go ladies gentlemen thank you very much boom and guys will leave then they'll come back in and you know hey joey diaz just returned how are they oh they're fucking fantastic and then he'll start talking about the show and yeah you gotta do it oh that's fun too yeah it's really because then you can have a different inter you might have different interpretation of the audience yeah well yeah there's definitely that and there's also when you come back here it's like this party going on you know there's all these people and like

russell peters came by with like fucking 10 people with them it's always something crazy like that so it's like it's like a fun it's a fun environment and the shows are amazing and to me it's like i'm just gonna concentrate on doing a lot of those shows like really small shows and i have a bunch of ideas that i haven't like fleshed out yet right right that's nice chuck them in there and see what's up little kernels do you feel like the podcast is influencing your act oh yeah for sure yeah well it also changed my audience entirely really my audience at one point was uh like a combination of fear factor people which were fading away and it was mostly like ufc fans it was like kind of curious and then you know it was still half of them knew what i was doing but now it's 100 and now it's like literally 90 to 100 of the audience is all podcast fans so they know you 100 they they know

you like as as as much as anyone could know you ever that's fun yeah huge gay base he's huge huge gay base especially women yeah tall ones yeah lumber Especially women. Yeah. Tall ones. Yeah. Lumberjack women. Yeah. You're not describing the type of women you like. Doesn't bother me. Hey, man. I'm open to anything. It's all dependent on what kind of situation I'm in at the time.

Do you think there's a guy out there that just goes after the butchiest lesbians? Of course. There's people that like everything, man. Wow. There's a broad spectrum. You've met people. You look at what they're doing. Have you met people?

I've met a few people behind a 7-Eleven in West Hollywood. Yeah. Shouldn't have went there. That was too easy. You ruined the vibe of the room. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring up compasses. He's talking about gay neighborhoods in Hollywood.

Is it West Hollywood, the gayest it west hollywood the gayest part of the world pretty much we were in compton today and that like i was thinking compton like oh my god we have to go to compton that's just scary it was like nice there yeah well the part where we were at was not the where people live yeah we were in an industrial about it it's cheap he's thinking about going total street just for the cred. I'm actually from Compton. Are you? Sue? Main Street.

Main Street, Compton. Main Street, right next to the library. Rosa Parks Avenue, right in the corner. Compton. We were in a Honey Honey music video. Honey Honey is this band that we just found out about a couple weeks ago. And they're one of my new favorite bands. And I went to see them perform in LA.

I got to meet them. They came and did the podcast. They were fucking amazing. Just really cool people. Really, really talented. Brian and I were in a music video. It was super awesome to meet. Jason Ritter was there.

The whole afternoon, I just got to sit down and hang out with Jason Ritter. I'm a huge John Ritter fan. It's just so fucking weird that I'm sitting there. That the guy that was on uh that one show the event the event no no john ritter was like he was like one of the nicest guys you ever work with yeah i did news radio with him he did a couple episodes of news radio he was great he was a nice guy yeah super super nice guy yeah that that one was like that when a guy like that dies, you're like, wow, really? Really? Yeah.

Yeah. It's like 50 or something like that. That affected me more than any celebrity death. Like, all the other celebrities, it's like, I don't know that person. Yeah, it sucks that they're gone. But for some reason, I still think about John Ritter all the time. I would say that was up there, but Phil Hartman doused it for me. That was the craziest one. That's crazy.

Yeah. Yeah, John Ritter was hilarious. He was a really funny guy offstage, too. Like was the craziest one. That's crazy. Yeah, John Ritter was hilarious. He was a really funny guy offstage, too. Like, in between takes. Did you ever do anything with him? Yeah, I did an episode of Ellen's second sitcom with him. And he was, like, a

really nice guy. It's so interesting, you know, like, the actors that, when we were kids, you know, like, John Ritter was, like, I don't know who to compare him. He was like the Jerry Seinfeld when we were like kids, wasn't he? Yes. He was pretty huge. And such a nice guy.

Great guy. You know? Who was the guy who was the director? He was in Starsky and Hutch, and now he's a director. Do you know who I'm talking about? God damn it. Jay? He's the guy whose wife, I believe,

died of AIDS. Really? Yeah. I can't remember his name. Can you find that, Brian? Just Starsky and Hutch. The movie. Or the TV show, rather. The TV show? Yeah, the TV show. Not the movie with Ben Stiller. Not the new one the old

one when i was a kid i fucking loved this show starsky and hutch yeah and then one day starsky and hutch you seem like you could be a character on starsky and hutch so much no you know what i mean no because it's that was back in that 70s era you know like um who was uh peter falk he was one yeah colombo colombo and then there was an beretta i mean there was like the fat guy kojak what was the fat guy that was the detective it was a little later fat guy jake and the fat man oh jake and the fat man but that guy like that's that was the last tv show for like fat people for fat people you You know, that was it. They're like, sorry. You know what? Dennis France, come on in.

You can get an Emmy. But like the guy was a lead and he, you know, Dennis France was just like a regular looking guy. But that guy, Jake and the fat man, the lead character was a big fat guy. Do you remember Samo Hung? He had a show on CBS with Arsenio Hall and he was a fat kung fu guy. And he beat everybody up. Do you remember that, Brian? No. God damn it. I can't remember the name of the show. But yeah, he was a

legit kung fu movie star but he was fat. And he could throw kicks and head kicks and he could do everything but he was a fat guy. And he would fuck guys up. Right. I wonder what he's doing. I don't know. But he was a fat guy that also had a good gig. He had a fat guy's up. Right. I wonder what he's doing. I don't know. But he was a fat guy that also had a good gig.

He had a good gig. Good, solid TV gig. You know, it's, there's, like, you know, I would be considered, like, a severely obese person on TV, right? Well, I guess The Biggest Loser, there's big people on that, right? There's very big people on The Biggest Loser. But there's, like, the emphasis on attractive people in movies and television is, it's not, like, disproportionate. It's, like, ridiculously disproportionate. Right. But when you need a character guy, when you need the wacky, you know, what is the dude's name? A Steve Buscemi character or something.

Right, you know, movies will do that. But I think I saw, I was at the gym once, and I saw, I think it was an episode of Bones was on. And again, I don't know the show. I'm sure it's a good show. But literally, the show was, you know, like when you're on the plane and there's a TV show playing and you just kind of watch it.

And you don't have your headphones on And you don't have your headphones on. You don't have your headphones on. And from what I could tell, they went the attractive couple and then someone dies who happens to be an attractive woman and then they go to a restaurant

that, I think I put my headphones in. It was in the bayou, okay? I don't know if the show's set in Louisiana or not, but it was in the bayou. And the guy who was the owner of this authentic alligator bayou bar had my accent.

And he looked like he should be hosting the local news, right? He did not look... Like like if you've been to louisiana the people in louisiana i mean i'm a white trash guy it's like you know that's funky genetics you know it's just like people don't like where i'm from people don't wear they wear sweatpants on saturday night you know what i mean right when they go out because they're not working right harry connick is this har Harry Connick is not the norm. It's not the norm.

And so anyway, so like I watched the show. I kind of give up, and hopefully this is worth it. So then I watch it, and it's just like everyone is, I think they're FBI agents. Everyone is like 27. Like the oldest person was like 28. And they're like, now you've been here a year longer than me. It just was very interesting that there was no one like 60. There was no one like 12. Everyone was the same age.

They were the same age. They were the same size. All the women were thin and all the guys were kind of workout two times a day. Kind of worked out body. And there was no one. That 27 years of age is a really pivotal moment for a woman's sexuality. Very, very important. You know why? Because at 20, she doesn't know what's going on.

You're taking advantage of a little child. And, you know, at 37, she's like probably desperado for a relationship, wants to settle down immediately, only has a few eggs left. 27 is like just old enough so that you're not innocent anymore. You're a dirty bitch. Right. You're a dirty bitch and you want some dick. You know, that's a 27-year-old girl. That's like really the perfect time.

Perfect time to fuck. You just increased your podcast like really the perfect time. Perfect time to fuck. You just increased your podcast audience among the female demographic. Just saying that? Explaining? Well, I don't know. I think it's like if you simplify and generalize women

Well, is it broad terms if I was writing a book? I'm not saying all women, just the 27 year olds. Of course there's variables, Jim Gaffigan. Don't go Captain Save-A-Ho on me, buddy. I'm not being upset. These were broad terms. You're like, I'm not saying all women, just the 27 years. Listen, of course there's variables, Jim Gaffigan. Don't go Captain Save-A-Ho on me, buddy. I'm just trying to make a comedy example. I am with the Women's Alliance.

And as a founding member of Women's Alliance. Nobody would like women to be nice more than me. Nobody would root for them to be awesome more than me. Nobody's happier when women are nice more than me. But nobody likes to be or hates to be told what to do by a woman more than me. Nobody's happier when women are nice more than me. But nobody likes to be or hates to be told what to do by a woman more than me. I don't like that. I don't like bossy women.

Especially like aggressive bossy women. Is there anything more uncomfortable when a woman gets aggressive and bossy with you? It's like, oh, this is so dangerous. Somebody's going to hit you with something. So you don't like strong women? Not that. I don't like bossy, aggressive women. I like strong men, that i don't like bossy aggressive women i like strong men but i don't like bossy aggressive men either yeah there's something almost seems like oh this stupid fuck you can't even help it it's in his nature but a

aggressive woman to me is always like oh my god what are you doing you're like you have no brakes you're just driving crazy and you have no brakes yeah it's interesting because there's a difference between like being a nudge and being confident yeah yeah well there's a difference between um you know uh being assertive and being aggressive and confrontational in an unrealistic way and whenever anybody does that it's always uncomfortable but for me it always freaks me out when when women get like aggressive and crazy like when a woman starts screaming at a guy and putting her hands in his face, I'm like, whoa, what are you doing? This is almost physical violence here. You're instigating this?

This ain't going to end well. This is crazy. I bet if we had a fight, all the men versus all the women, we would kick the shit out of the women. Most likely we would do that. We would totally. I might get beat up, but you wouldn't.

I think I would get beat up eventually. There's enough of them. I think there's 51% of the population. Yeah. And that 1% means a lot if it was like a lot of chicks around you. And when you talk about millions of people, that 1% could be pretty substantial.

But you know, there's some guys that would just like, that's their fantasy. Oh, yeah. To get beat up by a bunch of women. Everybody knows the one guy that has every relationship he's ever in. The woman's in control. And she yells at him and tells him what to do.

And he's always miserable. It's a terrible situation. Everybody knows that guy though, right? Everybody. Yeah. It's cunty. But I wouldn't want to be a woman and have a cunty man either. You know?

It's just the only reason why I feel this way is because I'm a man. And I've seen so many guys get their lives ruined by women who probably don't even they probably can't even help what they're doing the reason why i say this is because i had an ex-girlfriend and she always she was a very nice person yeah she liked to fight she just loved it she would just start to fight for no reason and i'd be like what are we doing come on this is crazy yeah and after a while we became friends but we we stopped dating and so she started dating another guy and was going through the same thing with screaming him and yelling him. But this guy would just take it.

He would just eat it. And so we had a conversation one day and she's smoking a cigarette and shaking. She's like, I can't help it. She goes, I have to test him. She goes, and when he lets me walk all over him, I just want to fucking, I want to scream loud enough

so that he turns me around and tells me to stop. So that he brings me back to normal and tells me to stop. I'm like, you might be the craziest fucking person on the face of the earth. Like, imagine living your life like that. What a bitch. She's not a bitch. She's just compelled by her own genetics to not have a bitch for a man. You know?

She was like a wild horse that needed to be broken. Jim Gaffigan. You know what I'm talking about? She did. Yep. Are you still doing'm talking about? She did. Yep. Are you still doing Pale Force? Nope. No, I haven't done that since Conan had Fallon.

What was Pale Force? Pale Force was where it was an animated thing that actually my brother-in-law, Paul Noth, who's a cartoonist for The New Yorker, he came up with this idea of an animated series where Conan and I were superheroes that would fight crime with our paleness. So we would shoot lasers from our nipples.

It was awesome. The art style, did he do that? Yeah, he did all that. Did he do the Saturday Night Live Funhouse video? No, that's Smigel. Oh, Smigel, that's right. I loved it. I thought it was a lot of fun.

You should do that more. Yeah, I think, well, NBC owns it. NBC and Conan, I don't know if they're that good. Oh, that's right. Oh, yeah, that's right. Masturbating bear, they can't even do that. What a mess. What a mess that whole thing became.

What a mess is right. So crazy. Just the whole idea was crazy putting the Jay Leno show on at 10 like what you're gonna have the tonight show on I mean earlier when they did that didn't you think that that was I thought that was their way of like well if Joe if Jay fails then we say we give him a try but I think I like that that's what I thought they thought was going to happen. But what happened was because Jay was on earlier, it killed Conan's chance to even get an audience.

So people would watch The Tonight Show at 10 and then they wouldn't watch it later. Does that make sense? Yeah, it does. Yeah. It was ridiculous. It was silly. It was a silly idea. It's weird.

You know, you're the comedy policeman. No, I'm not. You are. You called me that before the improv and I told you. It made a silly idea. It's weird. You know, you're the comedy policeman. No, I'm not. You are. You called me that before the improv and I told you it made me very uncomfortable. That makes you uncomfortable? Not really. But I only, I looked I had to step in for one piece of civil unrest. I've never done anything since. Well, there's something about

that whole situation with Leno and I don't know Jay at all and but it's you know if there was a Joe Rogan of that generation maybe to go and explain it that's why you that's our new show you look for

Bigfoot and you comedy kind of well I think for all of us there was a there's been a few instances uh in the past where there was a guy that was kind of like clearly plagiarizing another guy and then you know one guy became famous with other people's shit i mean it's happened more than once and we've all uh felt the the real pain and frustration of watching someone do somebody else's material

where you know that they're stealing. They're not compensating them. They're just stealing. And it was like a Wild West thing. It was like no one was doing anything about it. And to treat it like it was no big deal, you're absolutely crazy. It's the core of someone's ability to perform on stage is having great material.

It's their life. It's their life. You can be the best comic in the world. You have nothing to say on stage for that moment. If you go on stage and you have nothing prepared and you have nothing to say, you're fucked. It's go on stage and you have nothing prepared and you had nothing to say you're fucked it's not going to be good right you need premises you need material and so to pretend that it wasn't a big deal that the industry was treating it like it wasn't a big deal and we were like this is crazy like no i think you got an

insane i told you that night what you did was very important i mean it was very important well for us it had to happen it had gotten to a point where everyone was just turning a blind eye to it because they were profiting off of it. And that's what happens when a person becomes successful and is a plagiarist. If it was any other form of art, whether it was writing, writing would be super clear.

I mean, the guy would go to jail. If it was music, they'd take all your money. If they can prove that you have the same beats and you're copying it, they'd take all your money. If they can prove that you have the same beats and you're copying it, they'd take all your fucking money, man. Yeah. And we're not talking about similar premises. Which we all have.

Which is all going to happen. Tiger Woods. Who has a fucking Tiger Woods joke? Raise your hand. Everyone. Everyone sat down and said, oh, this is a goldmine. You can never claim a premise. But you absolutely know when...

You know when language is lifted. Yeah. You also know where there's smoke, there's fire. And they can't... I truly believe that people who steal can't write. I really do. I think it's the... I don't think you can do both.

I think something happens when you steal and that this being disingenuous this pretending this bullshit knowing that you you are not really doing what you're claiming to be doing that you're pretending and that you're ripping people off and lying and projecting this false self-image which is like all ego which is exactly what shuts you off from the ability to come up with new shit like when you come up with new shit it's not like you thinking about you. You see something and go, look at this right here. This is ridiculous.

And you know what I mean? It's not you. It's you coming up with it and you thinking about it, but you're not involving yourself. You're not trying to project a certain image. You're not making sure that people think of you a certain way.

You're not even thinking like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because when you do think like that, that shuts off creativity. And when a guy steals steals what a guy's doing when he's stealing is he's trying to make himself better than he is he's trying to pretend that he's smarter than he is he's trying to put out stuff pretending that he figured this out when it was really someone else it's all ego it's it's really sad too it's sad in a way because i think that it's almost as if you know like policemen they have like rabbis you know it's like i feel like almost comedians should have rabbis someone

to sit there and go all right you know what you might not want to do that you know but there's it's such a strange business and we're all very individual and but you know the, the irony also is that any comedian would tell you that the respect of their peers is way more important than whether you're selling out Saturday night. Yeah, that hurts guys bad when their peers turn on them. It's brutal. That hurts guys bad. It's like, you know, it's like you always heard about comedians that like, you know, like African-American communities, when they would comedians, they would lose the black audience. I mean, that's brutal. But like when comedians, you know, don't respect you.

I heard it's a great weight loss. It's great for weight loss, I heard. Because you have no money for food. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That could be really devastating to guys. Let's talk about something more depressing. But. Yeah. That could be really devastating to guys. Let's talk about something more depressing.

No. I mean, I think, you know, what's important is, like, what we were talking about earlier when we were talking about Louis C.K. Like, when you're doing it the right way, not just doing it the right way, but, like, fucking trailblazing, like, way faster than anybody else is being, putting out that kind of material and putting out great stuff. It's not like the quality is suffering. It's still really funny.

Yeah. Great observations. There's, like, a lot of thought behind it. It's, like, out great stuff it's not like the quality suffering it's still really funny great observations it's there's like a lot of thought behind it's like really great stuff so we sit here and we talk about that like how amazing that is that's that's the positive thing and i'm sure you know he gets that all the time because that you know that's what the fuck he's doing you know and he's yeah he's and he's he's got this whole momentum thing going he keeps churning out the great new stuff people keep enjoying it and it keeps moving and moving and moving and that's really an example for everyone to see every young comic to see it can be done just do it the right way you do it the right way it's incredibly satisfying but if you hack and chop your way and and take other people's premises man boy you're fucking

you're not just fucking yourself up you're fucking him up you're fucking the community up if it gets tolerated well you know it's like it becomes a real problem yeah because i i think some of the cliches and you might disagree with me i think i think like basic cliches about comedians are not true like there are a lot you know like people like all comedians hate each other i think actually that's actually the opposite i think most comedians if you're getting on stage, you're predisposed to like the guy. Yes. Or woman. Yeah.

If I see Sinbad, I don't know Sinbad, but if I see Sinbad, I mean, I'm not really into his stuff, but I'd be like, hey, what's up, man? How you doing? That's the thing. It's like there's so many different types of comedy. You're at least going to be respectful. Yeah, of course. And you're not going to go out of your way. I mean, there are exceptions, you know,

where like I think Larry the Cable Guy and David Cross had like a feud. Yeah, I think that was silly. I read David's arguments about that. I thought that was really silly. I mean, I think, yeah, Larry does have like a few sort of Islamophobic sort of raghead jokes in his act. But I mean, wouldn't that,

I mean, he is playing a character. Are we supposed and stuff but i mean wouldn't that what i mean he is playing a character are we supposed to pretend that the character wouldn't think like that i get confused about that right when you know the guy's name is dan whitney and he's doing a thing called larry the cable guy and this guy's supposed to be stupid as fuck and live in the south i see dave's argument that it might be encouraging racism but i also like really does he do you think larry the cable guy's changing anybody's mind about whether or not arrows are bad? Well, there's also censorship. It's a slippery slope, right?

It is a very slippery slope. Yeah. To shit on anyone's choices when it comes to that. I mean, some of the funniest stuff I've always said is the most inappropriate and ridiculous. Like Otto and George. You know? You've seen Otto and George in New York? No, no.

Are you kidding me? It's one of my favorites in New York. When I first got opening spots in New York, when I would tank, and then there would be a middle that would do okay, and then Otto and George would go up. What year was this? 1831. He's got something he's doing online.

Check it out. It's called The Pig Roast. I don't know the exact address, but if you Google it, just Google Otto and George The Pig Roast. Otto and George is a hilarious puppet act in New York. And he was always like the example of a guy who would just say the dummy was evil as fuck. His dummy would say the meanest, nastiest shit.

The quote is that people would leave and they would say that one guy was funny, but I thought the dummy was really rude. Oh, my God. but I thought the dummy was really rude. Oh, my God. It's like... Yeah, he would say some of the craziest, most ridiculous racist shit, and he would tell the dummy, hey, man, you can't fucking say that.

That's wrong. And the dummy went, fuck you. And it was a great gimmick, you know, to have a really angry, psychotic fucking dummy. And the comedy is, he says fucked up shit, and you go, man, I can't believe you're saying that. He's all innocent. That's's not even fucking brilliant idea i can't believe he did that but that's that's a it's a style of comedy it's like death metal are they really killing

people every day right right not really you know it's a style it it's it's a type of comedy there's there's you know and people want to say like shock comedy, that it's cheap. I so disagree because it doesn't work unless it is funny. I mean, shock comedy won't work on me unless it is funny. And there's a certain art to writing ridiculous, shocking shit. There's an art to it. And it's a type, it's a genre, it's a style. The shock comedy is, it's the Acela line in the Northeast. That's where shock. A what line? The Acela line in the northeast. That's where...

A what line? The Acela line, you know, the Amtrak from Boston to D.C. There's the Acela line. Have you ever heard of that? Oh, no, no, I never heard of it. But that's where tough guy comedy comes from, is like Boston, you know, jersey uh philly right it's like that and that that amtrak train goes up and down that and those are like those are the those are the tough guys

you're a tough guy you know what i mean how did we get to this what we're talking about what we're just talking about i don't know. I completely lost my point. It just made me uncomfortable. Did I make you uncomfortable? Not really. Okay. But you know what I'm talking about. Otto and George. Oh, yeah.

Otto and George. But Otto and George. Angry, mean comedy. Not necessarily mean, but I think in New York it was important to appear tough when I was starting out. Really? Not having emotion attached. You see that in Louis. Louis has it.

And Attell has it. And Kevin Brennan has it. And Marin, I mean, even though Marin is such an open book, he has a little bit like being unfazed by, at least on stage. Does that make sense? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You have it too. Well, you have to, you know, really be into what you're thinking about.

And if you're into what you're thinking about, you know, you're not going to be really phased if people are into it or not. You know, there's a certain number of people that are your people. Yeah. You know, especially if you're doing weird shit. You know, I mean, you're really clean, but really funny. But do you ever find yourself in a situation where everyone in front of you, around you, is just talking about anal fisting and loads and rape?

And then you go up and you're like, okay. You're like, hey, who wants to talk about cake? What about bacon? Well, no. You appear someone's fucking a chair or simulating something like that. That's my move, bro. That's my shit. No, but it's hard to go up there and go, you know, it's interesting, the third section of the USA Today.

It's hard, right? Because you just appear so boring. Right. But if you follow, so if you don't follow someone really filthy or kind of like. Crushing. Someone who just crushes crushes or just kind of uh just irreverent you know just thick irreverence then you know it's not i mean you can do it it's just like it's different styles of comedy you know i mean it's like if like uh metallica went on i wouldn't want james taylor i wouldn't want to necessarily. James Taylor. I wouldn't want to be James.

Thanks. So you're calling me James Taylor. James Taylor is awesome, by the way. I'm a James Taylor fan. In my mind. Come on. He's a badass. I like James Taylor.

For real. Yeah. No. So it's different. Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone. See, I was growing up. I remember. He's a bad motherfucker.

When I was 16, I got my driver's license. Here's another boring story by. When I was 16, I got my driver's license. Here's another boring story by Jim Gaffney. And I got my driver's license and went to a concert. I'm the youngest of six kids, so my brothers and sisters went to a concert, which was the James Taylor concert. I know this sounds edgy already. This sounds edgy already. So I was 16, and I thought, you know, all you got to do is show an ID, and they'll let you have a beer.

And so I showed my ID. I got my driver's license that day. So I showed him the ID, and the guy took my ID. He goes, you're not 21. He took the ID, so I didn't have an ID. So I got my driver's license that day. So then the next day, my dad in the morning was like, hey, let me see your driver's license. You know what you got?

And so then a week later, my driver's license shows up in the mail with a letter from the guy who ran, I don, I don't know what it was somewhere in Chicago, Alpine Valley or whatever. And, uh, the guy's name was James Taylor. So like James Taylor, I'm like, James Taylor. Dude,

that was kind of like connected. Yep. It's Coke. Zero is going to my head. You're getting crazy. I'm getting crazy. James Taylor will do that. It does it to women.

Occasionally it hit the estrogen genes that you have dark, dark in the closet, tucked away. Yes. See, I sang the beginning of that song and you just... I saw you slump a little in your chair. You melted a little. I melted a little bit. James Taylor's songs are like little back rubs. But that's also you know, that's kind

of... Now some of those songs it's like I know those songs because of my uh brothers and sisters right i mean it's not like i was sitting there like all right i gotta you know well somebody introduced you to it but did you like did you ever buy a james taylor cd on your own i don't know i don't know maybe i don't know no i didn't buy a cd i have proudly i think i even bought yeah but you're like an ma you're like a martial arts expert. So you're allowed to? You can wear pink, and people would be like,

he's still a tough guy. I'm not going to call him a pussy. But I sit there, and I read the New York Times, and people are like, let's beat up the librarian. You know what I mean? That doesn't really happen. Are you being self-deprecating? No one tries to beat you up while you're reading the New York Times. That's happened many times.

I actually played football in college. People think I'm a pussy. That's scary. Football is fucking terrifying. It was Division 3. Whatever it is, there's big people running into you, man. That shit's dangerous. Did you ever do any of that? No. I wrestled in high school and my coach was always like, Rogan, you should play football.

You're crazy. You'll be great out there. I wrestled in high school. I wrestled 134 pounds. 134 pounds. That was the ladies division. Yeah. No, I was under out there. I wrestled in high school. I wrestled 134 pounds. 134 pounds. That was the ladies division. Yeah. No, I was under the ladies. I would help them. I'd help them get ready.

No, I was 167. I remember I was undefeated my senior year. Were you really? You were a killer wrestler? 177. Again, this is a small high school. So, you know how, like, we didn't have tons of guys on the team. So, like, I lost, like, 10 pounds in a week.

Remember, like, people used to do that in wrestling. Oh, yeah, I did that. You'd lose 10 pounds to go to a different division. Yeah. And you would wrestle that day, too. Because there was, like, some, you know, big fat guy who could do mine because they didn't have someone for that slot. Right. So I lost 10 pounds.

I was undefeated. And then, you know, I went out there and out there and I blacked out and got pinned. And it was brutal because it was close to an undefeated seat. That's pretty badass, though. I beat the guy that was third in state. Wow. How come you never did anything with it afterwards? You ever tried jiu-jitsu?

I don't like standing up either. You don't exercise at all i mean yeah no i used to be thin but i'm not talking about like back in the day i'm talking about like do you do anything right now do you i do that p197 or p90x you don't even know the number i've heard that's really good i heard it's good i've heard it works that if you just follow what this guy's doing it really will. I heard it's good. I'm sure it's great. I've heard it works. If you just follow what this guy's doing, it really will transform your body. It's all scientific principles behind it. I used to work out. I was pretty buff. I watched a video of it, and it's fucking pretty intense stuff.

I tried it once. I couldn't do it more than once. It's intense. How often do you work out? Five days a week at least. Five days a week. Do you have a gym in your house? I have two gyms in my house.

Well, that's normal. I have a weightlifting gym in my house, and I two gyms in my house. Well, that's normal. I have a weightlifting gym in my house and I also have a kickboxing set up. Wow. It's all caged in in my garage.

That's amazing. Yeah, it's a company did it for rather a television show did it called Garage Mahal. It's pretty badass. Was it ever released, that show?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's Bill Goldberg, that big wrestler guy. He's the host of it and they take over your garage in three days. They transformed it. My garage is just like an episode of horror. It's disgusting.

And then you're kind of like, where am I going to park my car? No, no, no. It's a four-car garage. So I have two cars. Dude, I'm a high roller. I was on NBC for years. So two cars is just padded up and caged in. What kind of cars do you have?

Hyundai. They're all Hyundais. Are you into cars? Yeah, I like cars're all Hyundais. Are you into cars? Yeah, I like cars. All Hyundais. You got two cars? I got a few cars. How many cars do you have, Jay?

I have four cars. Four cars? Yeah. Really? And what's the love of your life car? I have a Porsche GT3. Wow. It's basically like a regular Porsche.

They take all the unnecessary shit out of it, like the back seat. They strip all the sound deadening. They make it lighter. They put a bigger, stronger, high-revving racing engine in it, tighten up the suspension, carbon fiber brakes, the whole thing. It just becomes the most ridiculous, responsive car you could ever drive. It's like you're glued to the road. You feel like everything. It's incredible not even

not even for driving fast not even driving illegally this is this is kind of it makes me think of this point it's like when you started stand-up did you think that you were i mean maybe i don't know you that well it's like i went into stand-up because i wanted to i i never had an expectation that i would be able to afford to have a family from stand-up. You probably didn't expect that you'd be able to own four cars. No, never. Of course not. I never would have believed that I could make a living off of it in the beginning. That was a dream, a distant dream.

The great dream was to be a local Boston stand-up comic, to be like a local guy. There was a bunch of local guys that made a living. Look, he's got a nice Honda. He lives in a great fucking apartment. It it's a loft his office is on the top floor that's where he writes he's a pro i'm like this is a pro that gets paid to be a comic who's actually doing something he likes yeah living unfathomable yeah i just had a series of shitty jobs you know i had all of it drove a limo did construction did every part delivered

newspapers every possible ridiculous job. So no, I would have never thought I'd have four cars. I would have never thought I'd have money at all. It's amazing. Yeah. It is amazing. It's weird. Well, you know, and I think the lesson that other people can learn always from anyone's

success is it might not be the same path, but if anybody can do it, you can do it. It really is that fucking simple. And it might not be everything. fucking simple and it might not be everything you know it might not be i can't play basketball i can't run i'm not a jumper i'm not fast you know it's like i'm too short i can't do that maybe i could maybe if i dedicated myself 100 of that i mean there wasn't a guy like mugsy bogues he was like five six he played the nba but the point is whatever the fuck it is just just do it just go do it find a way to do it right you can't if anybody can do it you can do it i think there's also adjusting um because you know when you have

these when you do like interviews like when you're you know touring doing stand-up headlining in clubs you'll get interviewed by the local paper yeah and they'll want to create some story you know it's like oh for a headline he's from indiana he had no shoes don't talk to him about cake you know it's like these elaborate stories so it ends up you know it's like i don't even our stories are real stories uh they kind of adjust like i i think when i started stand-up i i loved stand-up, but I wanted to be a writer for Letterman. I thought that would be an unbelievable job. And it's just, it's an amazing journey.

Yeah, that is an unbelievable job. I mean, that's like the elite of the elite as far as comedy writers. Like, this is Bobby writes for Letterman. Whoa, you write for Letterman? Holy shit. Yeah, no, when we started. Yeah, Letterman was always the top of the...

I think right now, I mean, I love Letterman, but I think Jimmy Kimmel is at least as equal. I think Jimmy Kimmel is fucking brilliant. I really think he's the best. Yeah, I think... Well, yeah, Conan's always equal. I mean, he's always funny in his own way. I think he's very different than those other guys.

And I think one of the beautiful things about his show was all the things that people had grown accustomed to that they pulled from him that he can't even use now. And I think that's really fucked up. It's so silly. The whole thing to me is just so stupid. You can't do the talking dog anymore. You can't do, you know, what? There's like a million things that you can't do anymore.

Like, that's just petty horse shit. I think that's completely petty. Yeah, it's ridiculous. It's a strange. You let the show go. That's the show. The show's over there now. It's with Conan. Come on, it's ridiculous. It's a strange. You let the show go. That's the show. The show's over there now. It's with Conan.

Come on, man. Yeah. It's so silly. It's very strange. They should be able to buy it back. They should. Sell it back to them. I mean, that's what happens in the NFL.

You know, someone goes and they're the head coach here, and then you go there. He goes to another team. You get something for it, but it's not like you're sitting there. Because I think there's he goes to another team, you get something for it. But it's not like you're sitting there. Because I think there's no – like these coaches, they're not supposed to be able to coach. Right.

You know, like if they leave, they have to finish their contract of seven years or whatever. They're not supposed to be able to coach for the rest of the seven years, but they do anyway. Well, that's – didn't that happen with radio with Tom Likas? Oh, really? I think Tom Likas had a deal with 97.1 FM Talk in L.A., yours but they do anyway well that's uh didn't that happen with radio with tom likas oh really tom likas had a deal with the 97.1 fm talk in la and they syndicated his show all throughout the country and those talk radio shows i don't know what killed them man what would kill talk radio

like it because look man when you think about what that was that that network i believe they had howard on in the morning right it was howard yeah and then it was uh it was frosty heidi and frank right and it was like there was a bunch of good fucking shows it's like how did that get how did that go away like what what happened what killed talk radio well radio is just hurting in general and they were they were paying all these these podcasts yeah no no no i don't know it's because that was before podcasts. Before we had ever done a podcast, Lycus was off the air. Yeah, but satellite radio was killing them. Were podcasts really popular when Lycus was off the air? Podcasts?

We obviously weren't doing, but was anybody? Yeah, podcasts were really popular, and then it went away. Then the iPhones kind of came out, and they started to be popular again. But that was pre-Carolla podcast. It was... Carolla still had the radio show. Yeah, but it was satellite radio. That's right.

Carolla was the morning show after a while, remember? He took over when Howard went to satellite. That's what it was. What do people listen to in the morning in LA? Like, living in New York,

I don't listen to the radio. You used to be awesome. That's one of the things that I used to love the most about driving to work and being stuck in traffic was that I was listening to Howard Stern.

And they would replay it on the West End side. So Howard Stern's not open? No, he is. He is still on. But I mean, on regular radio? Regular radio, that doesn't exist anymore. There's nobody like that anymore.

I mean, there are some morning shows like Kevin and Bean in LA. Oh, yeah. Well, Kevin and Bean, they're huge, right? Yeah, the last of the Mohicans. Carson Daly and Seacrest, don't they have shows also? Carson Daly has a radio show? I thought so.

He used to. I don't know. I know Seacrest does. Seacrest has like 100,000 fucking jobs. He must be insane. Yeah. Nobody works harder than that guy. Who puts in more hours a day than that guy? He's on that E! show. He's got a radio show.

He's on Star Search or whatever the fuck it is. What is it? Dancing with the stars. What the fuck is he on? American Idol. That show's still on. There is something.

Can you stop? What you're saying, there is something about people want to, it's not greed. It's like, I think that, and I don't know Ryan Seacrest. Big surprise. But I think he wants his empire. Yeah. I think some people want their empire. Well, I think he recognizes the opportunity.

He's a smart guy. I think that's, you know, and it is very smart, but maybe it's crazy. I think it is a little crazy. Probably a little crazy. Don't you want to have a little fun? Well, and also he might just super, the only thing he's into is like entertainment. That might be true too. Brian, what are you doing with the fucking thing, you crazy asshole?

What? What are you doing with that effect? I'm getting ready to go to the bathroom. Oh. Oh, so you're going to leave the screen like this? Yeah, I should. Oh, I like that, dude. That's very clever.

Do you feel weird? We're right next to each other on this video screen. Can we just talk? Let's look at the screen, and let's see if we can have a conversation this way. Try to kiss him. I bet we can't. I bet we can't. I don't know how to even get over there.

It's too weird. It's like I'm even get over there. It's too weird. It's like I'm not the brightest guy. It's a weird thing to watch yourself talk. I don't think that's healthy. Yeah, I'm not. I was editing my special, and my wife and I were. And it was, you know, the thing is, it's one thing. It's like I'm out of shape.

It's like that's the beauty of not looking at yourself is not realizing how out of shape you've gotten. Not that I was easy to look at before I was out of shape. Half your act is about like a little bit about self-indulgence and delicious things. And gluttony. Do you think that if you got yourself in like spiffy condition, that might fuck up your material? I've heard people say shit like that before. That's interesting. You know, there was a point, you know, when about a year ago.

Well, I was doing something else. But I thought, you know, I was working out. I had more time. So I was working out more consistently and not eating horribly at 3 in the morning. And I was like, you know, it entered my mind. It's like, am I going to be too in shape for some of these jokes? But I don't know. That's just me being neurotic, right?

Am I going to be too in shape for these jokes? That's hilarious. What a great escape clause. I can't. My act is so important. I can't a great escape clause. I can't. My act is so important. I can't do sit-ups. I can't. You know, I'd work out,

but it might mess up like that third chunk in the hour. This is so stupid, but I really believe this, that I was getting into meditation and I was getting into yoga and a bunch of things when I was young. And when I first started getting into comedy,

and then I thought about it, and I said, you know what? Maybe I shouldn't do this because maybe becoming more enlightened is probably bad for my act. Oh, that's interesting. Because then I wouldn't be making fun of as many things or picking as many victims. Oh, yeah. Now, that's a comedian thing in there, right?

Especially Boston-style comedy, so mean. So, you know, attack. It's attack style. And I was thinking, man, if I became enlightened and I was all like peace and love like this would be terrible for my act and i'm not gonna stop being a comedian you know it might not i wouldn't want to eat healthy you know i'm like i think i got another hour i may be in fact then i'll go healthy i owe my fans yeah and then you run out of shit and then then you go healthy, and then nobody wants to come see you anymore. Well, I used to be really thin.

I mean, I did. I know you're looking at me like, no, you weren't. I believe you. No. No, I was pretty thin. No, I actually remember you being thin just, I mean, not even a decade ago. Yeah. Right?

Yeah. How long ago was it? I don't know. Eight years ago? Who was the guy? There was a guy who was like a really funny fat guy, and then he lost a lot of weight, and then he kind of stopped being around. I want to say Vic something.

Vic Dunlap. It's so funny, I was thinking Vic Dunlap. Yeah, very funny. He's really, really heavy. And then he lost a lot of weight. Or he had the surgery. Maybe he had the surgery. I don't know if he did or he didn't,

but whatever method he chose, maybe I'm just not up on what he's doing these days. But I remember seeing that guy everywhere when he was big. And then he got skinny. Don't hear about him too much. No, well, it's weird because people will disappear, and you don't even realize they're gone. Yeah, that is weird, right?

The guys that you were like, I thought that guy was going to be around forever. Like that guy was like really funny. It's interesting. Yeah. Is it women? Is it getting married, having kids, you think? It could be that. It could be some people get tired of the stress.

You know, Jim and I were talking about how much we love stand-up and we never quit doing it. But everybody's got a different psychological makeup. And for some people, the anxiety of performance is like really intense. Yeah. Especially. It's also, I think that some of it's luck. I mean, it's a real cruel business.

Yes. So, I mean, I was definitely an angry guy. You know, like for a lot of people were successful before me. And I was angry for a couple of years. Yeah. Really? How'd you get yourself out of that? Therapy. Really? Yeah.

Wow. Just also, I came to the conclusion that I was not doing stand-up. I wanted to be... I was happy for my friend's success, but I felt like I was a failure.

I had to come to the conclusion, what is success and what success is, is like doing what you love and actually getting paid for it. And so then I adopted that attitude and then things started going my way. And that's why I'm releasing a 12 book series. That's interesting, man. That's really cool. I love hearing stuff like that i love hearing somebody figuring things out and just turning it all around a lot of wasted energy on it

that's really yes a lot of wasted haters i always say no haters are winners there's no no no people out there writing scathing youtube comments where they just break down your fucking soul right there's no winners they're not happy there's no way you are. You're wasting your energy. You're wasting it, you know? Yeah. It's also, it's like you put out, you get what you put out. Yes, you do. Yeah.

And it does make you feel, you know, like if you're feeling shitty, it's like, and you help someone, you feel better. Yes. Particularly if you steal from them while you're helping them. Yeah. I don't know, man. It's just really nice to me to see someone kind of figure things out like that and like get a get a new perspective but don't we have to learn these

lessons like sure over and over and over i don't remember who said it but they said that inspiration is effective but it's like bathing it only lasts for so long that's why we recommend daily yeah and the idea being that you know i guess it's easy to fall into a pattern of just not not having your shit together or not thinking right or you know letting yourself get jealous or letting yourself go down a negative way yeah you know people like this is a big cliche like you know i'm just trying to keep it positive just trying to keep sometimes keep what really keeping positive means is addressing some shit that's not positive at all you know and and getting to know what the fuck is making you tick and if you find out that you're

getting angry for someone else's success for no reason it's like your your brain knows you're talented you like you know you're talented but why isn't anybody else seeing it instead of your brain using that resource and going let's just make sure it's undeniable let's let's just concentrate on being funnier and funnier till no one can say shit yeah well it's the undeniability thing but i think also it's for me it's it's very much like i have to be in touch with being humble i know this is sounding really corny no but like usually when i'm angry is when i think i'm in control. I'm somehow like, I'm crazy enough to think that I can control the entertainment business or I can control whether,

you know, my flight's delayed. You know, that's just insane. You know, it's like, well, maybe if I'm angry to this flight attendant, the plane will take off sooner. You know, it doesn't make sense. So when I'm in touch with,

you know, being humble, it ends up paying off. Yeah, that's a very important aspect of comedy. That's the 13th book of my series. Well, we were talking about earlier about guys who wind up stealing material. And that stealing is the opposite of being humble. You want more credit for who you are, what you're selling. You're pretending it's better than it really is.

It's the exact opposite of humility. And that is the exact wrong state of mind to be in for creativity, I think. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's so fucking awesome that you figured that out, man. I was, for sure, at a certain point in time early in my career, I really had a hard time enjoying comedy. Because when someone would kill, you know, when someone was really good, I would always thinking is, man,

are they better than me? Fuck. I hope they're not better than me, man. Fuck. How good is that? That guy's pretty fucking good. Like it would bother me that something was good. You know, I couldn't just enjoy it.

I couldn't just sit back and watch. And it took a while before I figured that out, that that was holding me back, that I would work with people. And if they were really good, I would get nervous. You know, instead of the way I do it now, I bring like really funny people on the road with me on purpose because I want to be laughing too. Like I want, you know, when I work with Ari Shaffir, I don't know if you know him, and Duncan Trussell, and Joey Diaz, and Tom Segura, all these really funny guys. So when I'm sitting there waiting to go on stage, I'm laughing my ass off. And it puts me in the perfect state of mind.

Like, I want them to be brilliant. I want them to kill. But when I was young, I was terrified of it. I didn't want anybody else to be any good. I wanted them to be terrible so that I could fucking skate by on my shitty act. Yeah, well, it's amazing how we evolve. And I think it's insane how, I think podcasts are making comedians,

like it's siphoning out. I mean, I'm a jokesmith and it's adding discourse or kind of reflection back into standup. Right. Whereas it used to be like, well, it's the deal with keys.

Right. And so now it's, I feel like, I don't know, maybe I'm wrong, but you know, it's, it's like podcasts are influencing some of this.

You know, it's like Pete Holmes even said that to me, he said that his podcast is changing his act. And'm like that makes sense it's it's got to be so fun to like when you hear a bit and then you can go you know what because you know when you hang around some friends you know like three in the morning you don't have someone recording it right but like when you're doing a podcast and you're like go back to like that in the middle i said something funny that might be a bit That might be a bit. Oh, yeah. I've definitely come up with some

bits from the podcast. 100% for sure. Yeah. I mean, you're talking three hours at a pop, you know, many times. We've done many three hour ones. We did a Kevin Smith one. I think that was the longest one we ever did. Like three and a half hours. And it's thanks to Twitter, too, for reminding you, you know, be like, you'll say

something and be like, oh, shit, I did say that. Twitter is amazing. It's amazing. Twitter is changing how – I mean, I've done things on Twitter. And I remember like a year ago I did some jokes because we just had a kid. And I was driving to do a show. And the guy who was opening, he was like, you're going to put those in your act, aren't you? And I was like, I didn't even think of who was opening he was like you're gonna put those in your act aren't you and i was like i didn't even think of that and he was like yeah and it's like

they're great jokes like and now like twitter is this source of like is this funny i mean yeah 99 of the time no but if you can get two great lines that could open up a topic well you're gonna get them're going to get some tweets from this podcast for sure. People will tweet quotes that you said that made them laugh. That happens all the time, right? And you'll forget you even said it. And then someone will tweet it.

What's your numbers now? What do you have? The numbers? Numbers for your Twitter followers. It's so funny. It's all I follow every day. There's a strange obsession. It's so funny. It's all I follow every day. There's a strange obsession. It's crazy. It's 960

something. 96? 960? 960. 960,000. Holy shit. But I've been working. Dude. I've been working. You're a million. Are you going to feel different? You know, I've only over the past month or two started to even have conversations on there like first of all i initially i was like i'm not gonna have a conversation like there's twitter things we should go over this and then i should go but here's the first one

the first one is um and some of my friends do this, so it's like to each their own. It's like when someone says, Jim Gaffigan was awesome tonight. You know, part of me, the desire is to retweet that, but that's almost bragging, right? Yeah, you get a humble brag for that. Right. They'll retweet you. And so then there's the there's that. And then there's even having converse like I had always wanted my timeline to just be jokes, just jokes, you know, you know, like maybe maybe at, you know, an appearance page list.

You know, it's like I'll be in Tampa, blah, blah, blah. By the way, I will be in Foxwoods on June 2nd. No, and so because... JimGaffigan.com? JimGaffigan.com. And so I would do that, but there's also something insane about that because there is something social,

and if your friend says something funny, it would be fun to respond. So I've just been doing that for the past two months but how many people do you follow I follow a lot I follow a lot too I follow over a thousand it kind of sucks I've been thinking about like

cutting my numbers down lately you can't do that but there's so many people are like dude I told you about that I tweeted it like for a week and I've cut I've cut a few celebrities I was following some celebrities as a goof And it's just moronic shit Over and over again And I'd get crazy and I'd have to delete it

I've done that But I also feel like That's kind of like inviting someone to dinner And then saying sorry you can't come I don't know People unfollow me all the time Especially really douchey people I'm sure some woman will get mad At my not wanting women to be running things How about when? People unfollow me all the time, especially really douchey people.

I'm sure some woman will get mad at my not wanting women to be running things. Right. I quote about that earlier. You fucking sexist pig. By the way, that all came from watching a woman yell and scream at a guy yesterday, pointing at his face in a ridiculous situation where I thought it could escalate to violence and I might have to step in. It was kind of craziness. So that's just the origin of that.

So, you know. But. Maybe not really. Maybe I just made that up too. You don't know. We don't know. We don't know. But we're going to agree with you because we're sitting in a room with you.

But what was the thing about the Twitter thing? It's how about this? How about like when you have like, you know, a comedian, you know, there's friends and this? How about when you have a comedian, there's friends, and then there's peers that you kind of know. And you'll be like, hey, I'm going to send them a direct message. And then you realize they don't follow you. Isn't there a little bit like, really?

Really, you don't follow me? I've done that accidentally though, and I apologize. I didn't realize I wasn't following somebody. And there's people that I knew I was following that for some reason I wasn't following. I've had that too. Twitter's been doing that a lot lately. And I think it's the iPhone. I think if you have the iPhone, you'll have the app open.

And then you could easily hit it and unfollow. And accidentally unfollow someone. Because it happens to me all the time. You know what else has happened? I used to have a BlackBerry and I had an iPhone at the same time. And when I had my BlackBerry, I would go and check a direct message on Twitter. and then i would go i gotta get i gotta respond to that eventually but i don't have time right now and then i would go check it online and there'd be no direct message yeah it wouldn't exist anymore like what the fuck i didn't well i do i do know that if they delete a text a message

it deletes it oh and and everything so somebody could send it to you, think that you didn't respond, just delete it. Yeah. And then there's another thing. I like, if you, if you go to somebody's page and it says that you're not following them, if you hit refresh a lot of times,

then it will say you're following him. Like it just doesn't show up that you're following him. And so then you might click it thinking like, ah, I thought it was, and then that's unfollowing. Are you kidding me? Yeah. So thinking like, ah, I thought I was following this. And then that's unfollowing. Are you kidding me? Yeah.

Yeah. So anytime you. God damn it. Great. It's like I exist with enough guilt already. Yeah. You know, it's. So anyway, I got it.

I eventually have to go. You got to get out of here right now. I do. What time is it? Yeah, it's 8. Yeah, it's 8.17. Yeah. All right.

Listen, you sexy bitch. This was fun, though. Thank you. Anytime. Please come by. You're awesome, man. Anytime you want to do it, please. How often are you out here in LA? Not that often. You live in a New York City? I've got four kids. Four kids. You live in Manhattan? Yeah. Wow, what is that like with four kids living in Manhattan?

It's like really hard. Yeah, I would say, what do you do with them? How do you take them places and stuff? And we live in a two bedroom. Holy shit. Yeah, so. Wow. And that's probably $100,000 a say, what do you do with them? How do you take them places and stuff? And we live in a two-bedroom. Holy shit. Yeah. Wow. And that's probably $100,000 a month, right?

Well, I own the place. Apartments in New York are fucking ridiculous, aren't they? It's insane. It's insane. It's the craziest way to live. I'm sure my apartment is like half the size of your garage. Wow. That's ridiculous.

And you must pay a shitload for it too, right? Well, yeah. Yeah. I had a friend who's got a $4 million apartment and I was like, this is $4 million. Yeah. This is $4 million. This is like $1,600 a month in Burbank. Yeah.

This is $4 million in New York. This is fucking craziness. It's craziness. It is. Move to the West Coast. We'll start a podcast. Yeah, dude. If you ever want to come out here, man, you would be running shit.

I'm not a driver. I don't drive. You couldn't imagine the amount of anxiety when I was like, the 5, the 134. It's like, I don't come, I don't drive that much. Marijuana in a navigation system

and you'll be fine. Don't worry about it. It's all figured out. You'll never have to worry about how to drive so it's up to your family. Okay. You can't say

that you could never live here because of the sun. Because you wouldn't be outdoors that much. I did a ginger. It's fine. She just wears big hats. Yeah, you'd be fine, dude. You could do it. Well, I don't know.

You're scared of the sun for real? No. You know what? Some of it is, I think, the entertainment business. I don't know if I want to be that deep into it. Yeah, you're probably right. I know what that means. You can live in a completely different world in New York.

People are, for sure, more informed. You know the cast system that exists in Hollywood? Oh, he's on a network show so he gets to go here and then here's an indie actor so he jumps over you. Oh, you're a comedian? You can go back there with the

mimes. Is that how you feel when you're out here i think that there is a hierarchy here well i think that if you came out here just if i was saying i was gonna say jim gaffigan this is what you could do if you came out here and started a fucking podcast and you'd have all the comics that are out here you could actually even do this in new york if you wanted to but you're you would have a huge podcast i think it would be enormous and it would i think it would change everything change uh how you promote your club dates, your theater gigs, anything you're doing. It would be amazing.

For sure. Easily. Right away, you would be in the top five in iTunes. You'd be in the top five in iTunes right away. I'm 100% convinced. Oh, yeah, yeah. You'd be one of the few people that I would subscribe to. Yeah, you're perfect for this, man.

I could do it with my wife. Yeah, that's not a bad idea. Tom Segura does it with his wife. That only works out 50% of the time. It only works out 50% of the time? What, what you mean with couples? Good thing you're not saying that. You don't mean like Tom Segura.

No, no, no. You're not saying that. His shit sucks half the time. No, I'm just saying with couples. Let's just be clear. Yeah, most of the time it causes a breakup. So either way, it's a win. It's a win-win.

All right. Jim Gaffigan, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. And you can get his special when and how. April 11th. April 11th. Five dollars. Five bucks.

At Jim Gaffigan. Jimgaffigan.com. G-A-F-F-I-G-A-N. Yes. Dot com. Dude, you're the fucking man. Will it be available on iTunes or Amazon or any of those places? No, just Jim Gaffigan.

Just Jim Gaffigan. Okay, cool. Awesome. Thank you very much for coming, sir. Thank you. Appreciate it. This was awesome. Appreciate it.

It's so fun. Yeah, it's always fun to have a comic. Especially a comic that I don't really get a chance to talk to. I know. This is fun. Really cool. Yeah, really cool. Thanks to The Fleshlight for sponsoring our lovely podcast.

Please go to JoeRogan.net. Click on the link. Enter in the code name, Rogan. You're saying if you're on our channel, 15% off. You've heard this before. What's behind us? The Fleshlight. Is that? Pretty girls. That go to joerogan.net, click on the link, enter in the code name rogannews, you've heard this before. What's behind us? The fleshlight. Is that? That's Little Esther.

She's our pal. She's our little kid. No, she's a grown woman, actually. She calls herself Little Esther. She tattled on me for parking at the car. Oh, Little Esther,

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Enter in the code name Rogan. That's JoeRogan.net. Yeah, not.com. Who's a very nice guy, by the way. Don't harass him. What does he do? He's a real estate salesman in Idaho. And he just sent me some email that was accidentally supposed to go to me, but it went to him.

What the fuck is this podcast still going on for? Good night everybody. We got a packed week. Tomorrow we have Jason Silva. On Tuesday Aubrey Marcus and then on Wednesday we got Matt from Hoarders. The guy who cleans up after those fucking crazy people. So we got a busy week.

Alright you dirty freaks. We'll see you soon. Bye. Love ya. Olive Garden. Oh you got a busy week. All right, you dirty freaks. We'll see you soon. Bye. Love you. Olive Garden. Oh, you did it, you bitch.