The Joe Rogan Experience - #1954 - Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: March 14, 2023

Bert Kreischer is a comedian, podcaster, and actor. He's the host of "The Bertcast" podcast and YouTube cooking program "Something's Burning." He's also the co-host of the "2 Bears, 1 Cave" podcast with fellow comedian Tom Segura. Look for Bert's new Netflix comedy special, "Bert Kreischer: Razzle Dazzle", on March 14, and his movie, "The Machine", in wide release on May 25. www.bertbertbert.com

the Joe Rogan experience hey we're up yeah what a great fucking night last fuck yeah it was I'm telling you I woke up bubbling yeah I felt so. And last night was my first time in a managerial position. Like, I just came to hang out, make sure everything ran smooth for your show. It was wild. Like, to be at my own club where one of my best friends is headlining, and all my other friends are opening for him. I'm like, this is amazing.

It was a pretty fucking sick lineup. Like, this is what's crazy. If you said this 10 years ago in austin texas the lineup that was on last night was insane we've been doing that a lot though that's what's crazy like every these tuesday wednesday thursday shows that we've been doing out here they're just stacked dude and then and then let's just say highlight of my of my career, they're chanting The Machine, and I go, I'm not going to tell it. And they start cheering it, and I go, all right, I'll tell it if Ron White tells his tater salad story. And then he comes on stage. And people didn't even know he was up there.

Yes. They go fucking crazy. He walks on stage. I FaceTime Leanne. I FaceTime Leanne, who's like Ron's favorite comic. Guy in the front row is recording Tom telling Taters or shooting Leanne watching it. It was amazing.

I'll tell you right now. It was so fun. It'll show you how quick there are holes in your act because then I was like, I don't think I can tell the machine right after that. I know you were talking about that, but no, the machine's an amazing story. It's an amazing story.

You're just self-examining. I could have sat and broken down what I love about that story For the next 15 minutes. I could have talked about that. Yeah. No you said that on stage. I believe it Yeah, Ron's one of the best storytellers of all time having him out here is it's amazing because he's like he's such a like a He's like the statesman of comedy, you know, out here. And he's so respected. And he's such a good person. He almost made me cry last night. Such a good guy.

At the end of the night, I'm pretty loaded, and he comes up, and he was like, thanks for bringing me. That was really fun. And he goes, I just came out to watch you tonight. And I was like, what? He was like, yeah, I came out to watch you. I'm a fan. And I was like, bro, you can't say that. Like, that i killed me i was like

you're that's if there's careers that i've looked at and wanted to emulate it's him a tell you know those guys are the my goats you know for sure i mean um everybody loves ron like i've never met a comic who doesn't think ron white's. They don't exist. I remember Leanne's a redneck and when the Blue Collar Comedy tour came out, we went and watched it in Hollywood at the Arclight. And she was fucking... Leanne likes two things.

That Blue Collar Comedy and fucking Steve Harvey. If she's going to cheat on me, she's going to fuck Steve Harvey. I can guarantee you. She sends me clips of steve harvey every morning there's a clip that's hilarious for the movie when the movie's coming out uh uh they asked us to do family feud oh wow and uh leanne has never pushed our girls into anything but she said i like grace christ you're doing family feud i don't give a fuck what you

say does steve harvey know this that your wife has a crush on him? Oh, she has no idea. Have you ever seen Steve Harvey eat, someone made like collard green dumplings or something, and he goes, takes a bite, and he freezes, and he goes, now I'm having a black people moment right now. He's the fucking

greatest. Leigh-Anne's obsessed with him. That's funny. Isn't it funny that no one has done like a movie tour like that since? You know, they had Kings of Comedy, Blue Collar Tour, and then nothing. Like those were so successful. The four people tour is the key. I do Fully Loaded. We bring eight for Fully Loaded and like per show. And we switch it up. Have you heard of the lineup this year? No. Louis Black david tell uh chad daniels shane gillis mark norman big jay ogerson dan soder fortune feimster tammy pescatelli all on one show no no we split stavros is on it oh wow we got a fucking sick lineup it's fucking look at Look at this. That's amazing. Tiffany Haddish.

That's amazing. Jim Norton. That's amazing. Jay Pharoah. Rosebud. Ralph Barbosa. Dude. That's amazing.

Yeah, this fucking lineup is. I just found out about Ralph Barbosa. He's a funny dude. He's real funny. I watched some of his clips, and then I found out that there was some sort of a thing with George Lopez. And then so I had the little bitch in me started watching some fucking beef with George Lopez and Ralph Barboza. That shit makes me sad.

I don't like that stupid shit like that. I don't like beef. I don't like nonsense beef. That's the dumbest kind of beef. Like some young guy coming up beef. Like you don't like. I think it's just a misunderstanding. And I think Lopez called him up and.

Oh, did he? Yeah, yeah. I guess they talked on the phone or something like that. That's hilarious that I know about this silly comedy beef. But he's funny. Anyway, Barbosa's a funny dude. Got a funny laid back style. I think it's just generational.

You're talking about like, I think George Lopez is like even older than Ralph's parents probably And so it's just two different styles of of what you would say Mexican comedy is I don't think that's what it is I think it's just a George didn't know who he was. Oh really? Yeah, like Steve Trevino was on a show in Georgia brought him up George brought Barbosa up But he's like who the fuck is that guy you keep bringing up. Nobody knows who that dude is. Oh Really? I just saw that I just saw Schultz Saying someone went up to Barbosa and he was like i fucked george lopez yeah i think that's what it was i think it came from him saying something on a podcast but i think he was just annoyed with travino bringing him the dude's name up over and over again for whatever

reason i don't know he's funny as shit yeah he's funny as fucking shit yeah it's you know that's the nothing bothers me more than like and I don't think that's what he was doing I think it was just like who is that guy like I don't know who that guy is I don't think it was like I I don't like that guy I think he just genuinely didn't know who he was but I think nothing bothers me more than like those old dudes that don't like the young guys coming up. They don't like the fact that young guys are coming up. Because I remember being in that young guy position. I'm like, ah, you old cunt. You fucking dummy.

I'm never going to be like you one day. One day, if I get to your position, I'm going to be very welcoming for the young people. It's so stupid. But it's like a closed door once you go through it. That's it. Nobody else in. No more funny. No more comedians.

No one else is famous. Just me. Forever and ever and ever. It was like that. It was like that back then, too. Stingy cunts. Yeah. Got that fucking weird thing that people have, or they just want to be the only one that

gets the attention. It's so strange, man. It's so strange, man. It's so strange. The fucking fierce jealousy that some people have when other people start to make it. Yeah. It's so dumb. You didn't have that. I think you blessed us with not having it.

You look at Mark Norman and Shane Gillis. I take them when I do Red Rocks or I do big, big venues. I'll hit them up to see if they want to do it with me. Trust me. Trust me when I say we Red Rocks or I do big, big venues, I'll hit them up to see if they want to do it with me. Trust me. Trust me when I say we did the Super Bowl. We did four shows at the Mullet Arena. Four shows. That's how big those guys were getting.

I love that you went to the Mullet Arena. Yeah. How did you not bring Theo with you? You know, he was in town that week. I hit him up. I hit him up and he was like, I think I lose my powers when I walk in there. That sounds like something he would say. He wants to move out here. Does he?

He's like a fucking vagabond. But he's got to have a tribe. You know, a lot of these guys, they didn't understand what was anchoring them in LA. One of the things that was anchoring them in LA was that we had a tribe. Yeah.

We would all get together at the store. We'd all hang out in that back bar. We'd all have fun together. We'd all laugh and joke and fuck around. And then we'd see each other's sets

and we'd talk to each other about comedy and shit. You know, Theo's, he's out alone now in Nashville. What's he doing in Nashville? He just decided

he had to get the fuck out of LA for his mental health. And so he wanted to be like a more laid back place. And Nashville clicked with him. He is all over my algorithm. Is he? He shows up and it's gay dudes, boat crashes, and Theo.

With me, it's girls with giant asses doing squats. It's all like CrossFit ladies with six packs. Those girls will inspire me to work out. There's something about a fucking jack chick with big thighs. Yeah, that's what I like. My God. I like a gal who can help you move a couch. That's what I like.

I like I'm sturdy. My wife does not like it when I say that, by the way. Oh, for real? She doesn't like when I call her sturdy. But she's strong.'s strong i like i like strong women i like it it's i don't like uh you know i i just don't think that like the the the weak like wafey sort of like some people are into that weak sort of wafey looking thing like that doesn't make any sense no i like i like an older

woman too now yeah i can imagine dating a girl who's 20 now like what what are you talking about like when i see leonardo capio going on a 19 year old like bro what do you talk about yeah what i mean what do you talk about unless she's the most genius, brilliant, world-traveled, nuanced. Dude, my assistant's 25, and I'll say things to him, and he'll go, I have no idea what you're talking about. You can reference a movie, like Ace Ventura, and he's like, ah, yeah, what is that? Jim Carrey, who's, I don't know who that is. Well, Jim Norton was on stage last night, and he had a Three Stooges reference, and no one laughed. I'm like, Jim, you're 55.

Like, these people do not know who the fuck three stooges is why don't you just say laurel and hardy yeah like go even deeper into the old school comedy people yeah i couldn't live in that i couldn't live that life where you couldn't make references to the things you grew up on well you can you know it's like like dennis miller always used to have references that nobody knew what the fuck he was saying But we always catch up. Yeah, but we I don't like there it seems like the gap of of experience and what we know is Has gotten so closer where it wasn't that way that my might I feel like my dad and I

Still knew all the same references whereas my daughter and I do not they don't know anything that I've ever lived or experienced and then they'll say things to me Like have you ever heard of the band tool and I'm like are you being fucking serious? Are you being serious? I buy the guys fucking wine you kidding me and then like the other day I said to me You've ever heard of Alice in Chains and I'm like, yeah, that was like what I went to college to. But I knew Queen of the Sky, The World of Revival. I knew the Sha Na Na's. I knew all the stuff my dad listened to. I knew Sam Cooke.

I knew those songs. My daughters have no fucking clue of any of that. But you also have to think about just the landscape of information that's available to them as opposed to what it was for you. When you were growing up, the stuff that you got was off the radio or off television. Like, that's it. So you heard it, either you heard it at a place or you listened to it on a radio or you bought a CD.

With these kids, they're getting inundated constantly. And they're also getting songs that are like snippets off of reels on instagram or those little tiktok videos you're getting what's that song and then you find the song and then you listen to it so just the landscape of shit that's available to them is so goddamn different like so it's how could they pay attention to all of it how could they look at the old stuff it's like the just the stuff that's available and by the way for them shit from 2010 is old oh you know how crazy that is yeah when i was in high school okay what year were you in high school 1981 was my freshman year in high school and my freshman year in high school i remember there was a guy in my neighborhood that had a 1955 Chevy.

It was this fucking awesome car. This awesome 55 black Chevy that was like in mint condition. And I remember thinking, wow, that car is so fucking old. Isn't that wild? Yeah. But that car was only 15 years old. Wow. That's what's crazy. Yeah. But that car was only 15 years old. Wow. That's what's crazy.

Yeah. That's what's crazy. If you think now about a 15-year-old car, I have a 15-year-old car. I have a 2007 Porsche. I love that car. I drive it all the time. But that car's old as fuck, man. In that world.

To kids, when I was in high school, like, a 55 Chevy was like this old classic. Well, that's what my car is. Like, the timeline. That's crazy. The timelines are weird now. Because now you look at, like, my favorite car is a 72 Eldorado, the convertible Cadillac. And that's fucking 50 years old. By the way, I'm off by 10 years.

It's a 25 year old car. What I'm thinking about is that and my mom had a 1970 Barracuda. This is where I'm fucking it up in my head. My mom had a 1970 Barracuda when I was in high school. All my friends were in love with it. They were like, oh my god. They would see my mom's car.

It's your mom's car. This is insane. Because a 1971 Barracuda was like it had like these grill, the front grill looked like a fish, like almost like gills. Like look at that car. God damn. My mom had one of those. Jesus. In 1981.

So I was a freshman in high school and my mom had had it for quite a while. But like that car in 1981 was only 10 years old. It was only 10 years old. So that's a 2013 car. A 2013 car is indistinguishable from a 2023 car. Like if you see a 2013 Lexus, like they're the same. But that to everybody. Look at that fucking car. Look at that back then. Look at that fucking car.

Look at that fucking car. Look at that fucking car. What a car. I tried to buy one of those. Oh, my God. You need one of those. I want one so bad. You should get one of those and get it done so it's got modern brakes and shit and modern engine.

That should be a project that you get behind. A Burt Kreischer 1972 Cadillac convertible let's go i was gonna buy one and use it because this is the way my brain works use it to promote my special so if you just put razzle dazzle all over the side of it drive it around la that's the way my brain works so so just think about like the difference in timelines like how different it is to like look at a 1971 car and then look at that in 1981, and it was already a classic. And this 2023 year we're living in, if you look at things from 2000, they don't seem that long ago. Here's my question.

It's weird. Technology from like a 1961 car to a 1971 car, if I'm not mistaken, the 71 car starts having automatic windows and an automatic trunk that locks down. The technology from those cars is exponentially bigger. And you look at the car you have, your Porsche, compared to where they are today, how different is it? I mean, I guess they're fucking electric now. Well, yeah, but no. Even the gas ones, the internal combustion engines, they have better electronics. They have better suspension management systems. They have better traction control. They do a lot of different things now.

Yeah. And also they have warnings to let you know when cars are close and shit there's cars are pretty fucking incredible now they're almost too incredible because they're so fast like a regular car like that like my mom's car from 1970 that was slow as fuck dude really slow as fuck in comparison to a modern car like if you get a like a regular modern day uh honda accord it would bury my mom's car. Really? Yeah, a little four-cylinder piece of shit. It would bury it.

Yeah, those cars are not fast. They were fast for the time. And then as time goes on, and now you're living in this weird world where you have the brand-new Hummer, which is an electric Hummer, which is this giant SUV that GMC makes that goes zero to 60 in like three seconds. Like that kind of performance was unheard of in cars. But how come that doesn't translate over to F1 and NASCAR? Why are NASCAR still used? I mean, will there be a NASCAR electric series at one point?

It would be wild if it was, but they would lose all that sound. I think that's part of the thing that people like. Can you imagine going to it? Tom and I went to the Daytona 500, and can you imagine it being silent? All you would hear is the chatter of the fans. That would be so

fucking creepy. Dumb conversations. It's like, have you ever seen How I Met Your Mother without the laugh track on? No, but I have seen Big Bang Theory. That's it. That's the one I meant. It's like have you ever seen how I met your mother without the laugh track on no But I have seen Big Bang Theory That's what I meant. It's rough. It's rough people would get bummed out. I think NASCAR is like It's an American tradition. That's based on moonshine runners Yeah, so it's like fun like it's fucking like you go to NASCAR you want to hear the bar Like if it was electric it would seem like it's over

Are the f1 cars loud? Yeah, they're loud as fuck. Yeah, they're loud as fuck. I mean but comparatively speaking because I know my sister has a What's the Tesla Tesla Tesla? Yeah, and those things, that's like scary fast. Yeah, ridiculously fast. It's not even comparative to any of the cars that I've ever driven in. And I've driven in a lot of, I've driven Lamborghinis and Ferraris and the Gullwing. Yeah. No, it's the fastest car I own. Yeah.

Yeah, I own a Tesla, the plaid one. It's the fastest car I own. I own a lot of fast cars, likeorsches and sports cars and old muscle cars the tesla buries them all god yeah and they're getting faster that's what's crazy right now they go zero to 60 in two seconds but the the new ones are going to be even faster than that the the little speedster thing they have what do they call it what do they call the little one? Roadster the little roadster thing is like I believe it's 1.9 seconds 0 to 60 which is so crazy That's so fast. I told my dad not even to drive it He was in LA last week and he goes I need a cargo don't get in it Cotty's car

You're gonna fucking kill yourself. Yeah, but the thing is you can drive slow and it's it's very easy to drive calm Whereas like if you're in a really fast muscle car like those are kind of hard to drive slow because they have like I don't Know what it is, but it's there's less Sensitivity in the acceleration those cars are very easy to go light with Unless I get that Porsche this electric electric, I don't have any. Yeah. No, a good friend of mine has one of those. That's the shit.

Yeah. That thing is the shit. It's amazing. Yeah. Porsche is amazing. I want my car to feel like a big cock. Wow. Just like I want people to see it and go, oh, that's nice.

Big, fat, veiny cock. Big? No, I don't even need to be veiny. Just bigger than average. Shiny cock. Shiny cock. Yeah. Polished. Polished. Well cared for cock. Big? No, I don't even need to be veiny. Just bigger than average. Shiny cock. Shiny cock. Yeah. Polished.

Well cared for cock. Right? Waxed. Nice wheels. Shiny wheels. Nice and thick when it's soft. Yeah. Yeah.

Thick and soft. Chocolate interior. Yeah. Some kind of chocolate. That's a bold move, right? Chocolate interior. That's my car I have. I don't know the type it is, but it's a Mercedes.

I got it because of the interior. Fuck. You sit in there. I can smoke a cigar in there. That's what car I have. I don't know the type it is, but it's a Mercedes. I got it because of the interior. Fuck. You sit in there, I can smoke a cigar in there. That's what I saw the other day. I was at the car dealership and they had an electric Mercedes. I haven't seen the electric Mercedes up close. They're doing like an S series. It's just like a, yeah.

By the way, money might be fake now. Money might be falling apart, right? Oh, yeah. How many banks have collapsed now? Wait, that's happening today? I don't know. I was trying to follow up. How many banks have collapsed?

It's at least two, correct? It was at least two. It might have been three. And I don't know what happened today with the. I was on a plane with a guy who was talking about this yesterday. Yeah. So the Silicon Valley one collapsed, right? Yeah.

And so a bunch of Silicon Valley. Yeah. This is like 2008 all over again i don't know see this is part of the problem with being financially ignorant which is i am i don't know and also being friends with alex jones which i am which is so i can fucking i get all these videos about the fucking storm. Prepare yourself. It's the end of the world. I'm like, oh, no, Alex. Why are you freaking me out? I was on a plane yesterday and said that today's a big day, that it's coming down,

where everyone's going to fucking doubt if the fucking thing collapses or if we get bailed out. Well, apparently there was a big run on the banks today, too. And people were showing up at the banks trying to withdraw money, which scares the fuck out of people when that kind of stuff happens. That's how Hitler became fucking

prime minister or whatever, dictator. Is he fucking... I watched this thing, How to Make a Dictator on Netflix. Have you seen it? Oh, it's fucking awesome. I'm so obsessed with history podcasts and history dictators and whatnot. Do you know who Turkmenbashi is?

No. Are you? Joe, this is the most fascinating fucking guy in history, right? So Turkmenistan, I think is the name of the country, was part of the USSR. And when the USSR collapsed, he got it. This guy who was just a premier and worked, you know, he got the whole country. And he went around and changed rules like fucking crazy. He was a dictator, but he was like, he added months so that he didn't get old faster.

He changed the names of the months. I mean, he was a fucking lunatic. He said, you know what? He said, you know what? He goes, you know what? Here's the problem. Old people are losing their teeth because they're not eating enough bones. And they're like, bones? He goes, you ever see a dog with missing teeth?

No, because they eat bones. So everyone needs to start eating bones. Does that guy make sense? Oh, my God. Turk Mimbashi. I have this podcast that I listen to. It's called The Dictators. And it is one of the most – that one podcast is the most fascinating.

But I get, I'm obsessed, man. I listen to Hitler, Stalin. Somebody was talking about the How to Make a Dictator documentary on Netflix the other day. Was it, I think it was on the podcast. It might have just been a conversation. I don't know what's happening.

Was it on the podcast? Who was it? Do you remember? But they were saying like, you're literally like putting up a guidebook on how to become a dictator. Like, people could watch it and figure out how it's done and then replicate it. It's identical, by the way, to how to get famous. I mean, it's the fucking exact same thing.

You'd be shocked. Wow. Yeah. I wouldn't be shocked, though. Right? Because a lot of famous people become, like, dictators. It was DeStefano. That's what like dictators. It was DeStefano. That's what I thought.

Yeah, DeStefano. Oh, that's right. Oh, he's a history guy. Oh, he's a real history nut. Like, he's a history guy. We used to do history hyenas with Giannis. Yeah, that was fun. Yeah.

Yeah, history is fascinating when you think that it'll never repeat itself again. You know, like, oh, that'll never happen again. Like, I used to think that about war. Oh, we're done with that you know and now look dude and the bank thing is fucking so what is exactly happening is this something we need to be concerned about they i watched the news yesterday to find out the news said no do not worry oh well then i'm worried now i'm fucking worried because they've been wrong about everything these cunts my uncle uncle called me in 2008 when the housing crisis collapsed,

and he was fucking terrified. My uncle's one of the smartest dudes I know, and he was like, this is going to be real bad. There was a house that I used to live in, and the next door to me there was a lot that this guy had bought, and he was planning forever to build his dream house. It was a nice lot. It had a good view.

It was beautiful. And so I would go out there. It was like 2009. I would go out there, and there's this old guy, and he would just be raking. And I would see him. I would wave to him. And then one day I just said, let me just go talk to that dude, see what's going on.

Because it was, you know, are you going to build? Like, what's happening? And he goes, I was going to, but I lost everything. He goes, that 2008 thing, I lost everything. I had plans, I had a house. And so I'm just sitting there with this dude who's probably, at the time, 70 time 70 75 this is the last years of his life and he's just raking this plot of land that was going to be the place for his dream house

before the 2008 collapse he just realized like man the real victims of all that financial malarkey the real victims of all that fucking corruption and deregulation and all the chaos that led to so many people losing their houses so many people losing all their money this fucking guy just raking his thing made me so sad Tim Dillon Tim Dillon did that to him Tim Dillon did that to him. Tim Dillon. Tim Dillon did it to so many people. He's like, ah, what was I going to do? If it wasn't me, it would be somebody else. They were going to blow it on pills and women anyway. He's the best to get a call from and go, I love, man. If there's nothing I love more is good comedy gossip, and the best is Tim going, can I talk to you about that, that, that?

I'm like, oh, my dick gets hard. Let's break out the tea. He came last night to watch. Yeah, he was there last night. He's the fucking best, man. It was fun last night with all the hanging, too. There's so many people hanging out. Oh, dinner was a fucking blast.

Oh, yeah, it was very fun. I mean, I don't think I've ever heard the N-word said that much at a steak restaurant. Sam and Freddie Gibbs. Yeah. Oh, yeah. By the way, it was black people saying it. We should be really clear. People are like, wow, you went to dinner with Tim.

We should be really clear. Freddie is fucking hilarious. Freddie is very fucking funny. So is Sam. She was funny last night, too. We were leaving our hotel, and I was with my two and they and some girls were dressed up and the hotel we stay at no one ever stays at and I said yeah ladies you look you look fantastic today and they said oh thanks I said what are you guys in town for usually it's a convention and they're

like south by and I went oh shit I said oh what's the show tonight and they go Freddie Gibbs he does stand-up comedy and I was like cool he calls. Freddie calls it cocaine comedy. That's the name of his show. And they're like, what show are you seeing? And I said, I'm going to the Comedy Mothership. They go, what's that? And I go, it's a comedy club. And they go, who's there?

I was like, nobody. And so I got in the car. And then they're like, who's Freddie Gibbs? I go, nobody. I'll tell you later. And then we show up to dinner. And Freddie Gibbs is there. And Victoria goes, this is the Freddie Gibbs is there And Victoria goes

This is the Freddie Gibbs guy And I was like just shut up That's hilarious you just don't want to explain things I just don't want to talk I get in this point where people go Like Leanne will do it Wait tell me what's going on with this I go no it's just too much

I'm going to be winded fucking telling you the story I get it You just don't want to catch people up Catching winded fucking telling you this yeah and so I get it so we don't want to catch people up catching people up on things is annoying on stupid shit too and I the Ralph Barboza yeah that was fun catching people up on things like what am I doing that was funny that's exactly what happened when we booked Ralph I got excited oh we got Ralph because I'm fun to watch him work you you know? And the thing about those young guys is they get to see me work and they get to tell

me what I'm doing wrong. Like, tell me when you start looking like an old man on stage. Yeah. And Leanne's like, who's Ralph Barbosa? And I said, don't worry about it. How many people do you have per show? On that? Yeah. Probably eight. Wow.

Eight. How much time do they do? Everyone does 15. I just tell everyone just to murder. Just murder. So you have eight people plus you? Plus me. Jesus. Yeah, I have to fucking close it.

So it's two hours before you even get on stage? We have an intermission. That's a long ass show. Have you seen the places we're performing this year? Yeah. We're ending at the fucking gorge. I told you. What's the g places we're performing this year? Yeah. We're ending at the fucking gorge. I told you.

What's the gorge? Oh my God. I forget. Oh, that's that underground cavernous? No, no, no, no. It's an outdoor in Washington stage and it overlooks a huge gorge. It's gorgeous. It's fucking beautiful. Look at that.

Oh, wow. Yeah, that's where we're closing fully loaded this year. Look at that. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's where we're closing fully loaded this year. That looks like where someone would give a speech to start a new civilization post-apocalypse. It does. Doesn't it?

Yeah. It's like, we can rise together from the ashes of mankind and build our own utopia. Okay, come out to the gorge and you can give that speech Joe how many people is that seat a lot that looks like a hundred thousand people I think it's 76 Jesus Christ dude that's a big ass show

I think it is but we're just gonna do the infield I'm sure I mean shut the fuck up fill that bitch I told you I texted you and Tom I have a private jet waiting for you fly out fly you back let's fucking go the hang is the best part getting on the bus and partying with everyone and like just

Big J is the last time the last time we went Big J had us laughing so hard so we have a party bus and then we all have our own buses that we sleep in so we all get on the road we all sleep in individual buses yeah we have a girls bus and a boys bus And then we all have our own buses that we sleep in. So we all get on the road. You all sleep in individual buses? Yeah, we have a girl's bus and a boy's bus.

And then we have a party bus. So we all get in the party bus, start driving. We caravan. And then when we all are pretty fucked up, we call ahead. They pull all the buses aside. We all get in our buses and go to bed. And Big J had us. I couldn't even tell you why we were laughing so hard on the bus. We were laughing so hard we had to pull over and

And get in our buses. We're like we're done We're done and Big J right before about to go to bed be one more thing. I go what he goes Have you seen Jurassic Park and I'm like Jay don't start Good are we just we just conceded that there's dinosaurs now, and I'm crying again It's the funnest fucking hang dude to come yeah sounds like a good time i hope you enjoy yourself sounds like a lot of travel it's a lot of travel yeah you're a lot of away from everybody and you're on buses all the time yeah it's yeah you do that tour thing where you go out for long stretches of time. I don't do that.

Yeah. I don't like it. How come? I don't like being away from my family. I don't like being away from home. I have obligations. I like to keep a steady schedule. It keeps my mental health in line.

Yeah. Because the thing about traveling, you get disjointed and disconnected and uprooted. It's something good about that because it allows you to reset and just think about things and out of the pattern of your life but also sometimes the pattern of your life is how you create like a balance if you have a good pattern i have zero balance yeah i have zero balance so you like the chaos of the road i like chaos i like the i love i mean first of, it starts with I love stand-up. I love doing stand-up. I love it more than anything.

Last night was the funnest night of my life because it was all new material. And I was like, I really have, I have a new hour. Now I just got, I have the ingredients. I got to figure out how to put it together. I need a couple of tense pull stories. But for me, I'm always working to a special. couple of tense pole stories but for me i'm always working to a special so like i when i started this this tour this special that's airing right now this material started in january 2020 and so and then i did the drive-in movie theater i mean i couldn't sit at home during the pandemic i was

like i gotta come up something right and so i i started doing this material in this drive-in movie theater. Didn't you get that idea from Eliza Schlesinger? She was the originator. Fucking Eliza. The best about that clip is that you go, he was doing it in June. And she goes, wow, that's really early. That's not safe. All of a sudden, that's not safe. Pass me that whiskey, please.

Yeah, she invited me to her 40th birthday i think she had a rave and i was like well she's raving i think i think she had a rave i don't know the uh but so and then once i get material going i'm like let's get on the road let's fucking get this shit good yeah and then once i get ready for a special once i know i have a date on a special i mean i'm so obsessive compulsive you know for i think people look at me and they think I'm a moron because I take my shirt off and I drink a lot. But I'm so fucking over obsessive compulsive about stand-up that as soon as I knew I had the shoot date, I mean, I pick out my date based on when I set my tour. So I want it to be a place I've never performed that material.

I wanted to know a place I can move at least 12,000 tickets. So I want to do a bunch of shows. And I, I mean, two months out, I'm on that bus. I'm doing stand-up every single night. Every single night, as many times I can get on stage. And I'm moving the material around. I want it to be perfect. I can never do what Chris Rock did with the live shit.

I would be fucking dead in the water water the live one's an interesting choice because louis did a similar thing louis did it live on his website and then he's going to release a full edited version of the set and then i guess that's exactly what chris is doing he released it in the full edited the about will smith was ruthless yeah ruthless it's just like imagine the you know in life you play chess you move pieces around you say i do this and the counter would be that and like imagine the thought like i'm just gonna slap chris rock one of the greatest stand-up comedians of all time it's not like he's gonna tear my Very vulnerable life apart after I smack him with some of the best comedy that anybody's ever

Written and he's gonna hone it over a year before he releases it. Yeah, like what a terrible Unprovoked attack What a terrible, unprovoked attack. What a dumb thing to do. To be that person who's publicly loved like Will Smith was until that moment. I mean, until that moment, nobody really had a bad thing to say about maybe he didn't like one movie or maybe he thought the superhero movie was dumb. But everybody loved that guy. I loved the superhero movie. Everybody loved that everybody loved that guy i love this everybody loved i loved will i love will i still love will but those two keep my wife's name out your fucking mouth those two are what sunk him if he just slapped chris rock and then sat down and didn't say anything people would think it was a joke they

wouldn't know what to do yeah it would It would kind of drift off, and people would forget about it. And they would say to Chris, was that on purpose? Did you guys plan that? Then he would have skated. I'm not happy that it happened, but I'm happy the way it happened. Because when I was trying to explain to someone who's not involved in show business how bizarre the industry is and how untethered those people are to either morals or ethics or just the reality of human nature. completely connected to the the zeitgeist in terms of what's popular and what's Trendy and what's accepted by our group and what's rejected by our group that no one has I mean not no one but in general the the mindset of the people in Hollywood

There's no there's very little independent thought it's all groupthink so when There's very little independent thought. It's all groupthink. So when Will Smith, after smacking Chris Rock and all that other craziness, goes on stage and wins the Academy Award and gets a fucking standing ovation, that was like, that's those people. That's this, they don't know what to do. They don't have the ability to say hey that's not right I don't care if you're famous I don't care if you just won the Oscar you can't assault people what you did is ridiculous the way you're behaving is

crazy it didn't even make sense it wasn't even proportionate to what he said it wasn't like you you overreacted in such a strange way I have to wonder are you okay like what the fuck is wrong with you? No one did that. They all like yes. It was amazing. They went to the Vanity Fair party. He was dancing. It was almost like it all went away until the rest of the world was like are you out of your

fucking mind? What is wrong with you? That is crazy that it did not get acknowledged at all and then do you think that's a testament to the internet? Because the internet was like, what the fuck? Yes, it definitely is a testament to the internet, but the internet is just representative of

most people. There are some people that thought that Chris deserved it. Don't talk about someone's wife. There's a lot of goofy people out there. I had to set up. You've made me start a new fucking Twitter account because of something. I've been off Twitter for like a year, because you sent me something about Jordan Peterson. That Chinese dick sucking factory?

And I had to sign up for a new Twitter account. Do we know if that's real? I thought it was Beeple. I looked at it. Did they delete it off of Instagram? Or off of Twitter? So Jordan tweets this thing, and these guys are lying on hospital beds in some lab somewhere with a robot sucking their dick, and they have COVID masks on.

They're just lying on their back with their pants off. So I sent it to these guys. Jordan Peterson actually tweeted it. I might even have to check in on Jordan. That was a good podcast with you and Jordan recently. Oh, my God. The last one, he was on fire. He was on fire.

He was on fire. He was on fire. I don't have that brain. Well. I always want my viral clips to be, because you don't get to pick what goes viral for you. You got badass viral clips where you're like, be the person, be the hero in the story you want to be. You know?

My viral clips are me laughing at fucking people falling down. Me laughing. I have those too. Me and Theo have a bunch of those. Theo is great. Mine are legit just me laughing. If I can laugh, it goes viral. There's a video of me and my dad putting a pizza in a pizza oven.

Have you seen it? Yes. It went viral on TikTok. And I'm like, i'm not even in the goddamn video i'm not even it's just me and him laughing and we have and apparently we have the exact same laugh because we talk we go this is the chinese dick sucking i'm not gonna show but it says this says it's from the uk it says it's a fetish house or something oh it's from the uk yeah but didn't it have chinese writing in something? There is other stuff online that's trying to say this is from China.

Oh. People are correcting the Twitter saying it's from the UK. What is that one? The sperm bank? The Chinese sperm bank? What is... I love the memes. Go scroll down again.

The meme of the lady getting her eyes washed out by Clorox. I fucking love the internet. The internet can fucking deliver. Put that meme after that video. Oh, my God. So it's a UK fetish house. So it's a real video. It says, I found this on WeChat.

They said this is China's collection room for sperm bank. That's a weird statement, too. That's what it says from WeChat, they said this is China's collection room for sperm bank. That's a weird statement, too. That's what it says from WeChat? That's what the person that found it on WeChat says. This is probably what the caption on the video was. Oh, okay. But how does it relate to the UK, then? It turns out the video's from the UK.

Oh, so it's not really... It's a fetish house. Fetish clinic. Can you imagine trusting a robot on your dick? Like, what if it breaks? What if it goes wrong? I've done it. Have you? Yeah, of course.

Like that? No, not that thing, but I've had the, there's a blowjob thing. That thing looks too strong. Tom and I got a bunch of sex toys for two bears to try them out. And the only ones we tried out were the anal, we did butt plugs. Put them in your own butt? Well, we tried. It's really hard to get a butt plug in your ass.

You'd be shocked. Some gals have begged to differ. Dude dude i don't know how they do it i think you gotta have someone put a butt plug in your ass because i don't think you could do it yourself it's too hard i mean both of us tried pretty aggressively oh but but one of the things we got one of the things we got was a blowjob machine it's like a it's a electronic blow. Somebody mentioned that on the podcast once, right? And didn't they send us some? And we're like, get the fuck out of here with this thing. Yeah, we have something out there.

Yeah. You want to try it? No, we don't want to try it. I mean, bring it in. Let's see what it is. Just let it hang out and get to know us. But that thing where the cord's hanging from the ceiling? I couldn't have my hands tied up and have something on my dick.

I guess here's the tweet that Jordan made. Yeah. He called it so much fun and unbelievable techno nightmare CCP hell. That's funny. What is he saying? They're all shaved. But what does he say? He posted something about that in what you just had.

This is somebody else talking about it oh just ironically read unironically retweeted a video of bdsm male milking dungeon in the uk claimed to be footage of human rights abuses in china someone someone dunking on jordan i couldn't i couldn't uh i couldn't go to one of those bdsm places like that. I don't think I... I know that I did. I was a dominatrix game for a day for a TV show. But I think... I don't know if I could welcome that into my life. You know what I mean? Yes, I do know what you mean.

Yeah, don't welcome that in your life. There's other shit to do. You should be on your tour bus. Yeah. Not laying in a fucking hospital bed getting jerked off by a robot. But I wonder if that... I wonder if the, there we go. Oh, Jesus.

That's fucking hot. Is it though? I think it is. Why? If Leanne showed up in the bedroom dressed like that, I'd be like. That looks like a Mortal Kombat villain. Yeah, there's something about latex. Wow.

Everybody's got their thing. Yeah. The latex thing's a weird one, right? Like there's something about like the leather and the zippers and the bondage and the straps. Like, what is that? Like, dudes who like to get ball gagged and kicked in the nuts. That I can't understand. But I do understand.

I do understand. Bang. They pay for it. It's not enjoyable. They're tied behind their back with a fucking ball in their mouth getting kicked in the nuts. They're CEOs. They like that shit. That's it, right?

Yeah, they're CEOs. Did I ever tell you the time when Norton and I were having dinner after a show? And we're in Austin. And some lady comes up to him because she knows he's into BDSM. Yeah. So he's into dominatrices. And she comes over and tells us that she's a dominatrix. And we're like, no way. So she sits down with us and tells us the story because she knows that Norton's into

it and tells us it's like mostly these very, very wealthy business owners and CEOs and these like buttoned down guys. And then they what they really want to do to blow that steam off is just be really naughty. They want to be naughty boys, they want to be told what to do. And the girl dominates them. And she goes, it's not even really sexual. Like a lot of times, like sometimes they jerk off, but a lot of times they don't even it's like not sexual at all. It's like they just want a woman to tell them what to do while they're naked and yell at them and make fun of them and mock them i i uh once i came i'd be like all right the game's over untie me i'm fucking going i gotta get an uber out of here i'm i'm embarrassed of who i am when i did it the they did everything to me. The electric shocked my balls.

They put 10-pound weights on my balls. Like, they put a cock ring ball thing and then hold them down. 10 pounds is fucking heavy. I think it was 10 pounds. I don't know. I was tied up. I was tied up totally fucking naked. This is a TV show, mind you.

Totally fucking naked. I mean, completely naked. I think they shaved me. And I was like, at one point, I was like, I shooting a porn this feels like I'm we're shooting porn and never got hard until They put me in this thing is like latex they she wrapped me in it and she slid a tube in it and she squirted some sort of lube into the tube and

Started moving it around inside the latex. And I was bound. I was completely bound. And the second it hit my dick, we had a safe word. It was marshmallow. The second it hit my dick, I realized, oh, this is the moment where you go, I can't say no. I'm going to keep this going. So I was like, marshmallow.

She was like, what? I go, marshmallow. Get me out of here. If you do a little bit more, I'm not going to say anything. anything and I'm gonna come in this fucking thing and everyone's gonna be fucking weird Yeah, that was the but yeah, I don't I I don't mind seeing videos and stuff the second I come I'm like I'm fucking done with this. I'm out someone told me about the videos of

The massage videos where it was a woman. I think it might have been Nikki Glaser. I don't know. Sorry, Nikki, if I'm misremembering. Nikki's into some weird shit. Nikki's, but she's open and honest about it. Yeah. Yeah, I couldn't. I'm into weird shit, but I'm not open and honest about it.

She's on gangbang videos. Really? Is that what she said she was into? I don't understand. I couldn't. Oh, man, I don't understand the whole gangbang thing. Yeah. Yeah, I don't understand. I couldn't. Oh, man, I don't understand the whole gangbang thing. Yeah. Yeah, I don't get it either.

I don't want to watch it. I can't imagine two dudes with one girl. I can imagine that people are into anything. And that people, there's going to be people that are into that. But if that's like your thing, like, where's the gangbang video? There we go. Found my spot. You know, if you got like gangbang videos where's the gangbang video there we go found my spot You know if you got like gangbang videos bookmarked on your computer like what?

You just hoping to show up where anybody could fuck this person. Oh, you just pile in I Tom and I went to a dominatrix together for a live show one time and And I'm game for anything and Leanne's cool because leanne doesn't give a fuck she knows where you know adriana chachik offered me and tom to have a double team on her and jesus so we called our wives we're like hey can we fuck adriana chachik and leanne's like fucking no i go okay what if we both wear strap-ons and we'll fuck him with the strap-ons and we won't know tom's like what are we gonna do with our dicks i go we're jerking off time don't worry and then she goes and then and then and then Leanne's like no I go

What if we turn the strap-on backward like tails and we fuck her backwards? We're not even looking She's like no, but I we green light this dominatrix thing So we go and they do everything they spank us and they did whatever and then at the very end She tethers our cocks together with this electric like shock shocker thing and starts electrocuting our cocks. And we're tied together. We're closer than me and you. I mean, like we're moving a chair.

This recently? Yeah. For New Year's Eve a couple years ago. Yeah, there we are. And we get done. And we're like we're like alright everything's wrapped up, and then she looks at me and Tom she goes you guys want to come and I mean you want to talk about a moment a pregnant pause Tom and I look at each other like huh? No

She and Tom goes wait. How would you do that? She goes? I take you guys over there I got this little machine I could make come in like fucking 30 seconds. And Tom and I were just looking at each other like, Nephilim, we don't want that. Let's just leave. And then we go to leave. And the girl, another dominatrix comes in and goes, oh, my God, Tom Segura. I'm such a big fan.

He's like, oh, what's up? He's like, do you know my friend? She goes, no, I've never seen him. So Tom starts giggling. She goes, can I get a picture? And he's like, yeah, sure. So they go over to get a picture. She goes, on your knees, pig. And he's like do you know my friend she goes no i've never seen him so tom starts giggling she goes can i get a picture and he's like yeah sure so they go over to get a picture she goes on your knees pig and he's like huh she goes on your fucking knees and tom just gets on his knees and they take a picture of them oh my god this is tom and i with the dominatrix jesus christ

that's a fucking weird world it is it is you know some people are into golf there was a doc i was i wanted to bring this up earlier because i forgot about it there was a documentary that they did about this woman who participated in a hundred man gangbang it was like an open public gangbang and she was very intelligent like a very smart person who was like a college student at the time like an asian lady if i remember correctly really yeah and she you know was kind of relaying what it was like to have all these people inside of her and talking about the fingernails scratching her because he was just men off the street that participated in these gangbangs like guys could just sign up and fuck this famous porn star but what i mean i'm just there was a few of those oh it's just craziness i don't

understand getting herpes but there was that there's this thing that was going on for a while where they were there was records to see like who had the biggest gangbang there was another woman who was like in competition with her at first. Remember that? I remember the Houston 500. That's right. Houston 500? I think she –

There's going to be 600, I think, is what the end of the day is. 600 men? She fucked like 600 different men. Yeah. Over a period of like many, many hours. But I think this other woman did a gangbang movie. See if you can find the movie. Can I see what she looks like?

Because it was a movie about it. The Houston 500 was the... Right but that's not the one with the smart lady. The smart lady was there was a documentary about an Asian porn star who did a massive gangbang but this like it's just it was just weird because they like if I remember correctly was quite a long time ago like 20 years ago but they were, if I remember it correctly, it was quite a long time ago, like 20 years ago. But they were talking to her about it. Like, what was the experience like? And I was like, yes, Annabelle Chong. That's it.

Why? The 90s porn star Annabelle Chong was arguably the most famous Singaporean in the world. Two decades later, she talks about what she's been doing since she vanished from the public eye. So, see if you can find the movie about her. So that's like a recent thing on her. There's gotta be something, I mean, I don't mean this disrespectful, but there's gotta be something

broken inside her brain. Maybe that fixed it. Maybe it was just like, just needed 500 cocks. I don't know. I mean, I would try to say, I would say yes, probably. But, like, I don't know why people like what they like. Yeah. It's very interesting when, you know, people, whatever they like, ball gags, leather.

Well, I'm not going to, I won't kink shame her. But at the same time, if you're going to say that this is okay, then you got to go like, I'm not into rough sex. I've never understood rough sex. Because for me, sex is about showing my vulnerabilities or whatever. But dudes like it. And then people get kink shamed because they like rough sex. Then all of a sudden, everyone comes out and they fucking don't like them.

Well, rough sex, the thing that scares people is rough sex is the next door neighbor to violence. Like, rough sex and then violence against women. They're like so close to each other. But chicks, I remember. Some chicks like it. I've never been with a chick that's ever asked for sex. That's it. The Annabelle Chong story. So it's a documentary from 99. Wow. A documentary explores

Annabelle Chong's adult film star whose claim to fame is the world's biggest gangbang where she had sex with 251 men in 10 hours. What the fuck? The film is an attempt to understand her motivation. She has a degree from USC in gender studies. Oh, it's not a real degree. And is an intelligent woman with very clear ideas

and understanding about her life. But she has two very different yet fascinating personalities. Yeah, that was what was interesting about it was that she's a very smart person, but is doing this thing that you would think would be a very terrible idea. You've got to bring that up on a first date, right? Oh, yeah.

I would think, yeah, don't wait until you really love each other because that's going to be a hard one to get past. This is an intimate question. You don't have to ask this. But when you met your wife, did you ever ask how many people have you been with? No. No. I don't think that that.

Do you really want. First of all, do you want to dwell on it? Do you want to dwell on all the guys she fucked? Do you want to tell all the girls you fucked? Like, why? I've only had sex with six chicks. I know. You talk about that? Like, why? I've only had sex with six chicks. I know. You talk about that on stage. Yeah, I've only had sex with six chicks. But I have intimacy issues.

That fucking story you tell is so funny. About what? About the one night stand showing up at your show. Oh, I told that last night. Yes. Oh, shit. Did you forget? Yeah, I totally did. Oh, that's hilarious. Yeah, that was good. Save that. Okay. Save that. Oh, yeah. That was a good one. Oh, fuck yeah. Well, that's hilarious. Yeah. Oh, that was good. Saved that. Okay. Saved that. Oh, yeah.

That was a good one. Oh, fuck yeah. Well, that's the cool thing about watching a whole new hour get launched. Because I go up like a fire hose and just start trying. As ideas come to me, I'm just like, spit them out, spit them out, spit them out. But that was what was so cool, was watch you navigate through that process. And knowing that it was. But also, everyone there to see you do

it so it was fun i saw christina do that too she did that the creek really it's right after her netflix special she went up at the creek with notes and fucked around it was fun it's interesting because i that is the stand-up i used to do before i started doing bigger venues when i first did my first theater tommy called me and he was, it's got to be a little more structured. You'll see, but it needs to be a little more structured. And I didn't understand what he was talking about and I realized it can be fun and it can be wild, but you can't, any of the club cheat codes that we have,

I don't know if, you can't explain this to everyone, but there's some cheat codes you can get in the club to like muscle your way through a bit that you can't get in a theater. Exactly. And you definitely can't do in an arena. Right, yeah, there's an intimacy in the club to like muscle your way through a bit that you can't get in a theater. Exactly. And you definitely can't do it in an arena. Right. Yeah.

There's an intimacy in the club that makes fucking around a different thing. You can't fuck around like that when you're doing 15,000 people. It's just too weird. It doesn't make sense. And you can't go fast when you're doing an arena because I tell it to everyone, when the first arena show you do, take your time. Yeah. Because it's got to get all the way back there, and then it's got to get back all the way up here.

Arena timing's different. Yeah. Isn't that funny? You have to talk about arena timing. Did you ever think of that? When you're on the Travel Channel, you'd be talking about arena timing? If you told me. Arena timing.

If you told me, I would never imagine you told me I would I would never imagine That I'd be where I am today when I first did this podcast Like the first day I did this podcast and I got the car red band and I had 3,000 followers on Twitter And we were driving home and I was wasted and I was like that was funny shit to tell me that I am today We know that I'm In the middle of an arena tour. I have a movie coming out. I have a Netflix special in the middle of an arena tour i have a movie coming out i have a netflix special i'm a fifth fucking special i i'm just i i never i don't deserve it i like i don't i don't feel like i've i feel like there's so many people so much better than me i just it's not about that

you do you definitely deserve it and you know it's not like so many people deserve it no it doesn't exist for them. You made a thing. You figured out a path and you got through and it's great and people love it. It's like it's not a matter of whether or not you deserve it. Of course you deserve it. I was lucky. I was lucky in that. Everyone's lucky.

I fucked up. There's a couple things of advice that I'm really glad I took. things of advice that I'm really glad I took. The number one, number one bit of advice that I'm glad I took is when you came up to me at the ice house with the whiskey, shots of Jack and two beers, and you said, hey, we're trying to be your friend. You got to let us. And I did not want any friends. I did not want a fucking friend. I had my kids and my wife. I was good. I remember you were like, just, we're trying to be your friend. Just let us be your friend. And I was like, I'm so grateful that it was you that said it in that moment. And then I, I listened because I, the group of friends I have now is so wide and so thick. And it's because of that one moment.

Cause I just was like, fuck comics. They're're crazy. Well I knew that you had had some bad experiences with some other comics that we know. One in specific that we know that's out of his fucking mind. And I was like dude you just you met some bad people that's all it is. This is a good group. I remember. We love you. I remember saying to Red

Band. We were at the improv before I met you. And I said I kind of met Red Band I knew Ari. And I said I kind of met Red Band and I knew Ari. And I said, so what's wrong with Joe? And they're like, what? And I go, what's wrong with like, what's he, is he gay or what's his thing? And they're like, what do you mean? I was like, no one's ever this

nice. Like something's going on. He needs something. He wants something. What's he trying to get? And they were like, nothing. And then Ari did this, like this little, oh, let me tell you, never paid for a meal around Joe. Fly first class. Put up nice. Treats us right.

Greatest guy in the fucking world. And I was like, hmm, okay. I'll wait until he tries to kiss me and tell you guys. And then you and Bill telling me that my TV show sucked and I needed to focus on stand-up. I'm glad I listened to that. It's like amazing if I didn't obviously you know my respect I have for you but I have the same for Bill

and then that phone call you gave me in Vietnam Well I was high and I was in the green room of the comedy store and I called you up just because I missed you. I was like what's he up to and then when you answered and you're like, I'm on a motorcycle. I'm in Vietnam.

It was like an overwhelming voice in my head was like, you got to get this guy to quit that fucking show. I was like, you got to quit that show. Like, you have to quit. I'm like, Burt, you're too funny. I go, you should be a huge stand-up comedian. I go, Bert, you're too funny. I go, you should be a huge stand-up comedian. You know, but what's crazy is I think now,

maybe now you can hear that advice and connect to where I am today and going, okay, he's got a movie coming out, he's got all these big things. But you don't believe in yourself then. You're just some fucking $1,500 a week comic, a $3,000 a week comic maybe at the time, going like, it'll never happen for me. We were saying this before the podcast started when i was younger when before i met leanne and then right when i met leanne i wanted it so bad i wanted what i have now i wanted it so bad but i thought it would be different it's it's not what i thought it was gonna be but i wanted it

i watched dane you know i'm very i'm 100 honest so if it bothers anyone what I'm about to say, I'm fine. I watched Dane blow up, and I wasn't jealous, but I was envious. I was like, how cool. He goes to like, he like knows movie stars. And then I'm so grateful that I didn't get what I wanted. I'm so grateful that it didn't show up until I was 44, and then now I'm 50, like and like I can really appreciate that Like I can really appreciate it. I would it would never meant what it means to have Ron white watch me do stand-up

Yeah, it means something to me like I'm so like when I do the Boston Garden. I fucking I cried on stage no, I'm gonna cry telling you this but it's standing ovations are interesting because I'm gonna cry telling you this but it's standing ovations are interesting because You can cheat on my I did this to Ari one time I was like I go you only show you how to get standing ovation and he was like wait You can get a standing ovation. It was super easy. I'll show you and I walked him through like a five-point PowerPoint process how to get a salvation and he was I mean Joe it was almost like the day he lost his religion in Judaism he just like that's not fair.

Is anyone else upset by this? But when you get them and you've earned them and it happens quick and it's just, and everyone stands up. That has happened a few times to me. And every time I fucking cry, I'm just like, boom, water. I cry easy too. I think I'm fucking, thank God I'm on testosterone. A lot of estrogen?

A lot of estrogen. My testosterone levels were so bad that Brigham was like, I have to call you they. But yeah, like those, I never thought I'd be where I am. And if it all goes away tomorrow, I go, that was a fun fucking ride. It's like riding a horse. It's fucking been a goddamn trip But the key is now with the success you have is recognizing that there is no destination That's none because this thought that you're gonna get somewhere and it's all gonna make sense

No, what happens is your motivation shifts your motivation shifts from this undesirable this this unstoppable desire to make it then your motivation should shift to doing the best work that you can that was my last night last i'm i don't get a nervous going on stage but very seldomly do i prepare like prepare where i go let's think very thoughtfully about what we want to, let's, let's turn this into a job and let's work. And last night I sat down before dinner with you and I wrote every new idea I had down. And I said, I got my book. I'm going to, I remember a lot of them. I want to do, I'm going to make sure I hit all of them because I was like, there's a chance that like Jim Norton, I didn't know Jim would be there, but like, there's a chance that I know that you'll be there and I go these are my peers and I want to make sure

They know that I'm working does that make sense the second you see your peers stop working, and I won't say their names But we've seen them yeah the big comics that just phone it in and yeah and and and I go and I was very thoughtful in my approach to doing stand-up last night cuz I was like I was like I Was like that's that's when it goes away is when you just when you stop giving a you stop bringing around that's with everything in life that's when your marriage up that's when your friendships up that's when you're a bad neighbor that's when you're a bad dad that's when you're bad at your job it's it's when you suck at a sport you You know, I mean, a lot of things in life is whether or not you appreciate them.

It's being in them and recognizing. Like when we were kids, we were starting out doing stand-up. The idea that making a living doing stand-up was crazy. Like we always had jobs, right? Everybody had jobs in the beginning. So you're like, imagine if I could only pay my bills through comedy. That's insane. And then when you get there, then you're like, oh, how could only pay my bills through comedy. That's insane. And then when you get there, then you're like, oh, how come he's got an HBO special?

I don't have an HBO special. It's like it's so easy to get caught up in the stupid parts and just not appreciate it. Not appreciate your health. Not appreciate, like that's the feeling that I always get if I ever get sick, is that feeling when I get sick, like, oh my God, this is terrible. I am going to appreciate health so much more as soon as I get better. Dude. Because when you feel like run down and tired and weak, you're like, oh no, what an awful feeling. Like I have to recognize that my health is a fucking, it's of utmost priority.

You got to be healthy and don't just think about it when you get sick, because when you're healthy, you think about all kinds of stupid shit. You don't think about make sure you don't get sick, but when you're sick, you're like, oh my God, I've got to get healthy. Nothing matters until you're healthy. If someone could say, look, you could stay sick for the rest of your life, but you never have to work again. You're going to have unlimited income, but you're going to feel like absolute dog shit every day. He'd be like, no, no, that's not a life. That's not life. Life is when you're healthy. And no one thinks like that when they're healthy. Cause when you're healthy, you just think about stupid shit like why don't i have the car that i want why why does she have those shoes and i don't why is this and that and you just caught caught up in your own fucking head dude what so

i woke up this morning we well i partied pretty hard last night but uh i woke up this morning and i i and i was wondering what your motivation was. Because I woke up and I had slept on my hand and so my hand was asleep in the morning. So I was like, I had a stroke. And so then I went, oh my God, I did that. I thought you were going to tell me you jerked off to the dead hand. Put it on there and just numb handed it. God, I wish you had been in bed with me.

I give you advice. Spit in your hand first. Don't be scared. You're already fucking your own numb hand but i got up and i went and i and i and i realized oh my hand's just asleep and then immediately i go it's the health thing i go i'm going to the gym here we go four miles let's do it good do four miles head over rogan eat salmon do be healthy i'm i'm telling you i've never been more motivated with health because of the dealing with waste to wellness.

Because once you start taking that accountability, you go, well, then now it's time to right the boat for real. And so, but I go, I want, I know my motivation for working out is punitive. It's more like I'm, I get angry at myself. I go, way to go. Fuck face. That's how, okay. You wanted to have last night.

Then this is the morning you get you wanted to come home Fucking have a take a roadie with you and drink it in your bed in your room Then you would get up and you do four miles. Let's go and I was like I wonder cuz I know I never understood When I before I worked out the way I do now I never understood the way your brain worked about your That without working out you'd want to fucking kill someone that you it kind of centered you yeah and i get that now i get once i can feel like shit but once i push it out of me i feel amazing yeah it's medicine it's medicine for everybody it's not just for me it's for everybody it's just it's hard to do that's all it is and you got to recognize

that it's hard to do but you have to still do it and if you could force yourself to do it it's better it's that simple it's like really all in in that form and you also don't have to do anything that hard the the thing about exercise is if you can get a really good sweat going to get your heart rate up and push that's great but if you can't and you just want to walk around your block that's way better than not walking around your block. Like, everything is good. Everything you can do is good up until you get injured, right? So do it smart. Do it smart and do it regularly and build up. Don't go, like, if you have been working out for 20 years,

don't immediately join a fucking CrossFit class and blow your back out. Like, do it smart. Like, do it slowly at first. Start with push-ups. Get a chin-up bar. Build up. And then after a few weeks of being very consistent with that, then start going to a gym. Maybe if you can afford it, get a trainer.

If not, there's tons of YouTube videos. Oh, dude. Tons. Netflix has a new workout series. Have you seen it? Oh, no. Netflix has a new workout series. Let me pee and then we'll talk about it.

Yeah, sure. I'm so overhydrated lately. I used to be the champ of not pissing during podcast, but when I went to waste well I found out I was dehydrated It was probably because I was right after coming out of the sauna that I got my blood work done But I'm like god damn it and I have been over hydrating since then but I feel fucking great Really, but I have to pee all the time. I go piss and bring back an ice cube But I have to pee all the time.

All right, go piss. And bring back an ice cube. Yeehaw, Berger. Our boy Aaron Rodgers went to the Jets. What's that? I think our boy Aaron Rodgers went to the Jets. Oh, yeah? I think so.

Someone was asking me about that. I love that dude. Aaron Rodgers is a saint. Nicest guy you could ever meet. He's the coolest dude. Does not feel at all like he's famous. No, he, dude. Feels like a fucking totally normal, regular guy. He showed up coolest dude. Does not feel at all like he's famous. No, he, dude. Feels like a fucking totally normal, regular guy.

He showed up. Are we rolling? We're back? Yes. He showed up. I texted him on Twitter. I made a message about him on Twitter

when I was in Green Bay. I was doing the rest center right next to the Lambeau. And he DMs me. He's like, are you trolling me, motherfucker? And I'm scared. I I was like he brought man energy like athletes bring man energy to you

any cage fighter I've ever fucking talked to man energy I talk shit about uh nevermind I'm bringing that up so uh so uh I said me and Tom were gonna jump Nate DS one time oh no and Shane Gillis was like, that was a mistake.

Yeah, don't say that. So it was a joke, Nate, just joking, big fan. So he DMs me and I panic. I'm not good at talking to celebrities, so I call Tom, who's awesome at it. He's better at that than stand up. And he goes, just DM him back. Say, huge fan. Would you like tickets to my show? That's it. So I write back, not what I would ever write. You know I'd write like a paragraph of, no, no, no back. Say, huge fan. Would you like to take us to my show?

That's it. So I write back. Not what I would ever write. You know I'd write like a paragraph of, no, no, no, no. I love you. I think you're awesome. Your hair looks so cool. I love it when it's wet.

Or whatever. And so I DM him exactly back. And then he writes back. No, huge fan. I just didn't know. He's like, are you at the rest center tonight? I was like, yeah. And he's like, can I stop by?

And I'm like, oh, wow. That's how tom gets in these bands with these celebrities so i text back yeah and then he just shows up regular ass dude yeah knocks on the window of our bus walks in smells awesome he's got his wet hair and we're like ah and he was the coolest fucking hang like no pretense i mean i gotta be honest you, and I've made jokes about this, but, like, we had a camera on. And Aaron Rodgers was so open and honest about everything that I actually said, can we turn this camera off? Because I don't ever want him thinking I'd ever leverage any of that shit. He was just the realest dude. And he's been the sweetest guy.

Now I want to know what the fuck he said. You just opened up that door. Why'd you do that? Let me tell you, I'm bad with secrets. I'm really bad with secrets, but Aaron Rodgers, I'll keep your secrets until the day I fucking die. He'll keep your secrets until this podcast is over, and then he's going to fucking tell me, Aaron. I can almost guarantee you anything he'd tell me, he'd tell you, but almost guarantee. Do you want a cigar?

Yes, I fucking love a cigar. I knew you would. Did you hear think he'd tell me he'd tell you, but almost guarantee. Do you want a cigar? Yes, I fucking love a cigar. I knew you would. Did you hear the joke I had about Tommy last night? No. About secrets? No. I'll save it. I got a good one.

That motherfucker's going down. What kind of cigars you got? Look at that fucking humidor, Joe. It's pretty dope, right? Oh, are these your cigars? Yeah. Oh, I fucking yes. Do you know who loves these cigars? It's Bobby Kelly. Yeah. No, he said that Bobby knows your cigars? Yeah. Oh, fucking yes. Do you know who loves these cigars?

It's Bobby Kelly. Yeah. No, he said that Bobby knows his cigars. These are from Foundation Cigars. Foundation Cigars makes good cigars. Yeah, I was very skeptical when they said they were going to make a JRE cigar. I'm like, oh, this is going to suck. Do you ever look back at how much you've changed in the last 10 years?

I don't know. How much have I changed? You weren't a cigar guy 10 years ago. Oh, yeah, but I still like cigars. You weren't a cigar guy, and you know what else you weren't? I don't know. How much have I changed? You weren't a cigar guy 10 years ago. Oh, yeah, but... You weren't a cigar guy and you know what else you weren't? I still like cigars. Can I call you on

what else you weren't? Which I wasn't either, but now I am. You weren't a watch guy. Yeah. You were not a watch guy. Well, the UFC bought me a watch. They bought me a Rolex.

Really? It was really nice. And then I did a podcast with Matt Farah. You know Matt from Smoke and Tire? Of course I know Matt Farah. And I was making fun

of watch people. I'm like, what are you going to watch this for? What's wrong with you? And then as time went on, I bought a watch, and then I started getting into the mechanics of them. I didn't even before know the difference between a quartz watch and an automatic watch. Thank you.

I was like, what's the difference? Who gives a shit if it fucking ticks or if the thing? And then I started realizing, like, oh, my God, there's all these little tiny pieces. And the movement of your wrist is what makes the fucking watch wind and that it could stay winding forever like that. Like, what? And then I just started getting into the history of how these things were made and how crazy it is that someone figured out how to make these little springs and gears move exactly to the tune of 24 hours in a day like it's pretty wild the ones that blow me away are

the moon phase watches yeah those moon phase watches like so i i don't know what i like i have to have someone tell me what i like sometimes like with cars with watches i always go to tommy tom's been really good at like telling me what what's cool and what what to dig what to get uh even with this watch i i didn't know that i wanted it i didn't know what i wanted and then i had to see it and and then I was like, oh, this is it. I like that. I like that. That's a Rolex Daytona.

Everybody loves that. That's the Panda. It's the fucking. It's the shit. This is my. And now I go, well, do I need another watch? So I sit next to this dude on an airplane yesterday talking about the financial crisis, and he starts telling me what watch it is.

And he's like, have you seen, Rolex has a moon phase watch. It's called a Cellini or something. And he's like, that's the fucking gangster watch. You see the one that I gave Lex Friedman you ever see that watch yeah Yeah, that's a Omega Speedmaster But it has the moon phase built into it with a and a high resolution tiny image look at this look at this beautiful watch and he said it's He says this is the most slept on watch shout out to these guys. That's gorgeous. It's a gorgeous fucking watch That's so pretty. I just love having I don't have a lot of leather banded watches

I don't I don't I'm not thoughtful person so I get showers and pools right So I need to have a watch that can deal with everything right right right you need a waterproof watch, too I like dive watches that those are my favorite because I like to turn the bezel when someone's on stage. I was explaining it to Tony and those guys. This is the reason why I have a dive watch. When you go on stage, I'll put that little bezel to the minute hand, and I'll know exactly how long you've been on stage. So I don't have to go, how long has he been up? And thinking, when do I go up?

Instead, I just look at my watch, and it shows me. Because it's always a little off, two minutes. You know, someone's supposed to go on at 8, they go on at 8.04, and you don't know when you get off. And so to have that little feature on a dive bezel where the bezel spins around to the minute hand is fucking huge. The GMT is my, I totally and I wouldn't buy a watch for a year because she gave me this for my birthday,

and she was like, respect, it it's a gift and enjoy it for at least one year before you go buying another watch. Wow, she tells you what to do, huh? Bro, you have no fucking idea. I don't like that. I don't think you'd enjoy being inside our house and watching our marriage. If I gave you my ring cam or my nest cam I think there would be a couple times where you'd call me and go

hey man, I need to give you some advice real quick. But maybe that wouldn not good advice. You guys seem like you've got a good relationship. Maybe you need a mom. Maybe you need someone to tell you what to do. Dude, I definitely – I have no idea about anything. We were, we were building a, you know, we did the podcast out of the house, out of the, I have a guest house in the back and

we were doing it out of there. And Leanne just fucking went off the reservation one day and bought a new house. Jesus Christ. And it was like, we're doing, we're going to build a podcast studio out of this house. And I was like, huh? She was like, yeah. And I was like, and I start panicking. Cause I don't know, I don't know about how much money comes in or how much, I don't know anything about that. And I was like, hold on start panicking because I don't know about how much money comes in or I don't know anything about that. And I was like, hold on. Hold on one second. You just bought a fucking, she goes, trust me, it's a great investment.

It's a great house. We got a great price on it. We got a low interest rate. And we're going to turn this into, because I've always, my, the old compound you had in LA was like my favorite thing I ever saw where I was like, this is the fucking goal. This is the top that when you can have like your podcast set up where you go in and you work and then you go home and you're home. Like I go, this is the goal.

Even top this current one you have now is next fucking level. The one Tom has fucking great. It's like an office. It's an office. And Leanne goes, we're going to hire people. We're going to, we're going to change your business. We're going to take control of your business. I've also, another little top of the mountain is Stan Hope, the way he operates.

Because Stan Hope has everything in-house. Everything in-house. He's got his tour manager, his manager. It's really kind of cool to have your own little pirate ship. So she bought a house. She built me a podcast studio in it. It's fucking sick. She built a Two Bears, One Cave set for when Tommy comes out. She put her podcast studio in it. It's fucking sick. She built a Two Bears, One Cave set for when Tommy comes out.

She put her podcast studio in there. She's rebuilding our kitchen because I do Something's Burning. She tore out the kitchen and rebuilt a camera-friendly kitchen that shoots this way. And she's a gangster, man. I could not have married the kind of chick I jerk off to. Does that make sense? Is that bad? The fact there's zero pause between all the compliments of her and that I could not have

married a chick that I jerk off to. But you know what I mean? I mean, I hope that does sound bad. I might want to edit that out. No, keep it in. I'm kidding. Keep it in. I love sound bad. I might want to edit that out. No, keep it in. I'm kidding. Keep it in. I love my wife.

I love her. I'm attracted to her. But man, the chicks you see that you jerk off to, those chicks couldn't build me a podcast studio. You never know. They wouldn't book me a dentist appointment. But is that mutually exclusive? Like certain body shapes and types and looks?

Yeah. They also can't get it together with other stuff and work. I used to date a chick who would put her makeup on naked in front of a mirror. I thought it was the hottest thing in the world. Leanne doesn't do that.

But... If you look at that chick now, she's still putting her makeup naked in front of the fucking mirror. You think so? Yeah, I know so. I know so. Okay. And so I look at You think so? Yeah, I know so. I know so. Okay.

And so I look at her life and I go, I'm so glad. Don't you think that attractive women, when they get older and the attractiveness sort of goes away, some of them are forced to kind of like look at life in a different way. And it's probably not the worst thing for them. For some of them. Some deal with it right. Some deal with it wrong. Natasha Leggero definitely didn't like when I said this.

Oh, Jesus. But I watched, Leigh-Anne had a friend who was a model. And she got old. And she got older and she gained some weight. But she still had a model brain, right? So like, that's the right way to say this. I knew this movie star one time who his wife said

the problem with him, he was always a fat kid and he'll always be a fat kid. No matter how much weight he loses, in his mind, he's still a fat kid. I grew up in shape my whole life,

so I don't even see me as fat now at all. I feel like I'm fucking jacked. I mean, dead serious. I walked into the green room last night. I wasn't joking. My tits look great.

My shoulders look fucking awesome. I'm benching 275. I'm fucking jacked right now Same thing happens with hot chicks. Leanne had a friend who was a hot chick and I watched her try to get the bartender's attention and It was something that must have come easier to her when she was younger But now it was so difficult and she couldn't figure it out And I it was like watching super Superman get locked out of his house.

She was just like this, like, what the fuck is wrong with this guy? And I'm like, oh, the cachet you had when you were younger that you thought was just given to everyone. You didn't realize that was a privilege because you were beautiful. Now you're realizing what it's like to be me, like just be a regular person at the end of a bar trying to get a fucking drink. And it's interesting. Some people handle it well, and some people don't.'s i mean it probably goes hand in hand with with fame and notoriety yeah uh but i'm lucky that i grew up like a mediocrely attractive never like jacked never super talented guy because i think it gives you empathy Well, I think that you can really get confused if you're super attractive

We said later and think that you know whatever that's what action that you get is normal that you deserve it or that you're special Like because it's really somebody said this I forget who it was we've said this quote before but beauty is a short-lived tyranny but beauty is a short-lived tyranny. Who wrote that quote? Was it Benjamin Franklin or some shit? No, no way he fucking said that. Socrates. He had wooden teeth, right? Like in Plato or some shit.

Socrates? Is he the guy that they gave him a hemlock? Is that Socrates? You know Socrates, they made him come up in front of the thing and say, you can live. Beauty is a... Socrates is a motherfucker. Beauty is a short-lived tyranny.

Yeah, that's kind of what it is. Like when someone is really, really beautiful, like everyone just pays attention to them when they walk into a room. Like, oh, my God, look at her. Like people, they're overwhelmed. Like it's royalty. It's like human royalty, right? It's like there's royalty like royal family, but then there's royalty like genetic royalty.

And really beautiful people are like genetic royalty. They have a thing that no one else can have. And other people want it. This is why those filters exist. You want to pretend you have it. You want to like pose like you have it. Like there's a lot of people that get their face chopped up to pretend you have it you know you want to like pose like you have it like there's a lot of people that get their face chopped up to try to achieve it but some people are just born with it but that's why then that and they are born with it but that's why a guy like say tim dylan

is who tim dylan is is because of course it didn't and nothing came easy to him yeah And so he had to form a brain that could talk circles around fucking any of those. I think that's, I mean, I'm sure it speaks on many levels, but like I go, I'm so lucky I had to learn how to be funny. Yeah. Because I couldn't just get pussy by standing in a corner. You walked into the party like you were walking into a yacht. You know that? No.

You're so vain, Carly Simon. Can you play it? Oh, yeah. Let's play it. I love when you play music on this. Oh, my God. This fucking song was, somebody played it in the bar, in the Mitzi's bar the other day. It's a fucking great hang, by the way.

It's a great hang. You're doing it right, buddy. We're all singing it wrong. Yeah. You're doing it right. We are doing it right. You're doing it right. Yeah.

You're doing it really right. It can be done. I hope I get to go to your funeral. Hold on. Get it from the beginning. Look at her. This is a live version too. Yeah, this version is going to suck because it's live.

See if you can find a non-live version. Here it is. Oh, look at her nipples. She was so hot, dude. She's so fucking hot. She is so fucking hot. She is so fucking hot. Look how hot she was. This is like 70s hippie Carly Simon hot.

By the way, she looks like she could swallow Mike Tyson's fist with that mouth. Look at the size of that mouth. Real teeth, real teeth. She's so hot. You walked into the party like you were walking into a yacht. This is about Warren Beatty. Dipped below one eye Your scarf, it was apricot You had one eye in the mirror

As you watched yourself abide And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner They'd be your partner What a great fucking song! You're so vain You probably think this song is about you You're so vain You're so vain

The last thing you want to do is break up with Carly Simon and have her write a song about you that's awesome. She is fucking beautiful. She's so hot. Was she still alive? Yeah. Really? Look at that picture. That's about as hot as a woman gets.

You just get different. You don't get hotter than that. There's like levels of hot. There's so many levels of what I'd be attracted to on this. First of all, number one, no bra number two number two her hands she's got great hands number three her smile is what they try to emulate in plastic surgeons office Oh big bigger top lip right great teeth those are real teeth Joe yeah that was before the veneer days. Yeah, that's fucking... She's still alive.

I'd hit it. She was so hot, dude. How old is she now? 79. Whoa. Whoa. That's so crazy. Life is so fleeting.

It sucks. She was so young and hot and beautiful and fucking talented, man. That voice is incredible. Look at her lips in the third picture over to the left. Look at her lips. I mean the third picture over the left look at Her lips. I mean, I don't mean to oh my god Those are that's what they do plastic surgeons are doing that today top dollar and she had it natural great eyebrows 1971 son nose could use a little work, but her hair

a little bit of a thick nose I bet you got it done go to the older one go to the older one She definitely got a nose job. Maybe not, bro. Leave her alone. There were clouds in my coffee. Clouds in my coffee. And you're so vain. She's beautiful. I would think a song is about you. You're so vain.

Bro, those boobs are off the charts. Those boobs are next fucking level. Natural boobs or fake boobs? 1971, wearing bell bottoms. Look at that. By the way, we're going to find out she was 17 in this picture. No, no chance. She's got to be young as shit.

How old was she in 71? 65, I think, so she would have been 22. Well, if she was 71, she's got to be 25 roughly at 71. We're five. We're out of the woods. Natural boobs, man. That's the fucking thing that's the move Nice you have a little tiny ones. No But what if they could just shoot something in them and make them grow like a peptide?

like a titty peptide Leanne got a fucking Invisalign yeah, I don't either perfect. What the fuck you doing? She goes they could be better I go out of all the fuck are you doing? She goes, they could be better. I go, out of all the plastic surgery, you choose your fucking teeth. You can fucking light them. It's not plastic surgery. Whatever, the fucking cosmetic whatever. Yeah, and it's like living with a fucking special needs kid.

Oh, no. She has the cheek and breast volume enhancing peptide. What? It's real? It's real? Yeah, it is. Let me see what it does. What? It's real? It's real? Yeah, it is. Let me see what it does. What does it say?

We'll probably sell this shit. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. When we talked about semaglutide, I don't know how much of an impact we had on it, but we had a fucking impact. It was an impact. Who's on semaglutide?

I know a lot of people. A lot of people were on it. But when we talked about it, then all of a sudden it started popping up everywhere where the pros and the cons of it. But it's like you got to be careful about promoting these kind of things that people take. That's my problem. I want to talk. It's an 11-year-old article, 12 years old. Okay.

Year old article 12 years old okay, so it says an active recommendations 2% and facial redefining or breast firming formulations in addition to any product where Replenishing effect is desired so from 2011. I probably got way better shit. Oh, yeah Hmm I talked to bring about that last night. I said listen man, you know I wanted his protocol I go I'm pretty irresponsible about talking about health like I'm like the Alex Jones of fitness So I don't I go I'm skeptical to ever tell anyone what I'm doing with you He was like I don't give a fuck you can tell everyone what you're doing I was like right yeah, people will put it through the Burt filter Yeah, and they just won't just go out and do exactly what you're doing. I'm doing windstraw deca

Love steroids. I know it's not steroids, but I think it is I love it. Are you on windstraw? I don't know No, no, I don't know you might have to call Brigham. Yeah, I don't think no I don't think I'm on windstraw I'm on test. I'm joking RT. Yeah, that's normal TRT. Yeah, if you're getting on to that I'd be like hey Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey I don't know that I couldn't even, I know I haven't felt the effects yet because it takes like a month before it starts actually raising your levels. But the first day, I was fucking- What are you talking about?

You feel it almost immediately. You do? Yes. Everyone told me it took like a month. I felt it immediately. I felt it fucking immediately. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I felt it immediately.

No, no, you've reintroduced testosterone to your system. You feel it immediately. It's the greatest thing in the world. Who told you that's going to take months? I don't know. You'll have physiological changes in months, like more muscle mass. You'll add more muscle mass. You'll lose body fat. That'll take place over a long period of time.

But as far as how you feel, it's almost instantly. My cardiologist was the one who recommended it. I've dealt with Brigham and Denise. I think I'm saying her name right. It's both weird, but I'm saying it right. When we did stem cells, intravenous stem cells,

and she goes, let me take your blood. And I said, no, this is private. And she goes, why not? And I said, because my dad was there, I think. My mom was there. And you were there. And you and my dad are very similar men. You guys both are like, hey, what are we doing about this weight loss?

And I'm like, I don't want to deal with either of these guys right now. And don't take my blood. She goes, what's going on? I said, I've been partying a lot. She was like, yeah, but I can fix that. I go, yeah, but I don't want to deal with these guys. Trust me. Let's show my dad talk.

These are the fucking two fucking North Stars are sitting together, lighting it up like the sun and so So then I go in and then I and then I go to my cardiologist last time and my liver enzymes for the first time ever Are out of the normal range just a little bit but but out and he goes how is that possible? How are they just barely out? You ready? Yeah, I tell you? Yes. It's my fucking, it's my cholesterol medicine.

The cholesterol medicine makes your liver enzymes better? No, no, no. It fucks them up. Oh, that's what's causing it to be fucked up? So this goes into the weeds because you told me about

cholesterol and sugars. Yeah. And that's the conversation I had with Denise. And by the way, Alex Jones of fitness, I don't know what the fuck I'm saying. Yeah. Yeah.

But. There's a lot going on, right? There's a lot going on. But it's overall, it's metabolic health. Yeah. And you can't be healthy and be overweight. It's like all this stuff that you keep hearing on the news and all this crazy talk about how you can be fat and still be healthy. That is just not true.

It's not true. There's a host of diseases that are directly connected with being overweight. A host of them. It diminishes your immune system. It made you more susceptible to COVID. It causes people to get diabetes. There's a lot of things that happen when you're obese. There's a lot of denial in obesity.

Because it feels good to eat. It feels great. Great. Denial and obesity. Because it feels good to eat. It feels great. I would like a meatball sub right now. Joe.

With provolone cheese with the sauce and you're biting into it. You're like, oh, oh. You know that feeling? It's all the meat and the bread and the sauce with a little garlic in the sauce and the melted provolone and you're just eating that meatball sub. I would love that right now but then after it's over i'd feel like dog shit yeah i could get past that i've done it enough the thing about the thing about the thing about my weight is which is weird is that i've always been sneaky in shape like sneaky can still achieve athletic abilities like i went out when

we were in tamp with, I brought Fitzsimmons with me and my high school hit me up and they're like, hey, you want to come out with the kids and say hi to the kids baseball team? So I play baseball. Maybe take batting practice? And I was like, yeah. In my head I'm like, I'm hitting a fucking home run. And so I go out to the kids

and we take batting practice and I hit a fucking home run at 50. I never hit a home run in high school. I never once hit it out of the park in high school. And I hit a fucking home run at 50. I never hit a home run in high school. I never once hit it out of the park in high school. And I hit a fucking home run at 50. And there's a weird thing that happens in your brain. And I don't know if it's denial or if it's like accepting, not wanting to accept the truth.

But I literally was like, I hung out with Wade Boggs and fucking Derek Brooks and all these pro athletes and I was like, hit a fucking home run today. And everyone's like, oh, way to go. You're in great shape, big guy. And you believe it. And you believe it. You believe it. You go to bed going, I'm having another double titos and soda. And I'm fucking, I'm killing it, man.

Yeah, you do. But you have this odd brain where you believe things that aren't necessarily true. You're telling me. It's very strange. But you also say things that you don't believe wait i'm gonna tell you this is how fucked up my brain is okay so i was talking to tom about michael jordan and i said he said do you ever did you ever get him to see him play and i said i think i did and he goes what do you mean i said i might have i don't know if i did or i didn't

but i might have and i said actually I think and he goes What do you mean? I said like I think I saw Nirvana live But I'm not gonna fact-check it because I don't need to know the truth Because I have the feeling that I saw Nirvana live and he goes that's so fucked up. I Said what was much more important the memory of seeing them live or Did you see them live? What if I find out I didn't see him live and then I get to lose that memory that I know I have? I have a memory of – I know where I was sitting in the Civic Center in Tallahassee.

I know where I was sitting when I saw Nirvana play. Now, I am the kind of person that can make up that memory. I am. I definitely am. I don't know how it happens. It's dreams. I don't know what the fuck it is. And I go, so, but why

would I cheat myself out of a memory that I feel like I have? I feel like I have it. It's as tangible to me as anything that did happen or didn't happen. Why would I cheat that? And so Tom, of course, being a soulless cunt, goes, let's find out if it's real. Who'd you see the concert with? I go, John Dacre and Brent Bracken.

And he goes, let's call him up. So I call John Dacre. Oh, you see the concert with? I go, John Dacre and Brent Bracken. And he goes, let's call him up. So I call John Dacre. Oh, he's on Two Bears. I go, John, have you ever seen, now I'm like fucking cowering because I'm about to lose seeing Kurt Cobain live and smashing pumpkins open for them. And neither one of those happened. I go, John, have you ever seen Nirvana live? And he goes, I saw them with you, Smashing Pumpkins

opened. And I went, I'm done. I don't need to fact check Michael Jordan. I saw Michael Jordan. Even if I didn't, I saw Michael Jordan live because I feel like I did. That's all that matters with memories, and that's why my brain's broken. That's how the Bible got written. You're right. He's like, dude dude he came back to life dude you're right three days that's it's faith yeah it's faith it's now the Bible got written it's literally how the

Bible got written the Bible got written it's based on oral stories that lasted for probably a thousand years. Did you hear my video about that last night? About the Bible? I thought they wrote it in rocks. I thought that's why it was so like willy nilly because if you got to chisel something you're not going to like elaborate. You're just like

It's not very willy nilly. You really read it? The Bible? Yeah. Yeah but they're kind of like he kind of he walked on water or whatever. Well, the real problems with the Bible is that we don't speak ancient Hebrew. Like maybe Ari could read that shit, but that's the original Bible, unless you get to the dead sea scrolls, which is Aramaic. So like if you're reading the Bible, you would have to understand ancient Hebrew. And ancient Hebrew is a completely different kind of language

Because the letters are also numeric so like the letter a is also the number one So they don't they don't have a difference between letters and numbers so like when you say something it has a numeric value I can't wait to retell the story to dinner party because I'm barely listening You know Hebrews can't count right you know they can't count at all like they would try but and then that's why they got good with money is they learned how to count that's hilarious I'm bad at fucking retaining how do you get ancient Hebrews fascinating I would love to increase my information because like even like as you do that I go I kind of know a little bit about Martin Luther, not Martin Luther

King. Martin Luther. I know a little bit about Martin Luther, but not enough. I know a little bit. I don't remember things the way you can remember things. You can talk about a subject, and it feels like you did high school homework on it. And then you come in and like, yeah. Well, I've had a bizarre education doing this podcast.

It's been very bizarre. I mean, that's what it's been, essentially. I mean, it's been a lot of talking shit, a lot of getting fun, you know, having fun and being silly with friends. But it's also been incredible conversations, like hours long with some of the most fascinating people. And then also to research them. I read their books So it's like I've read actually read it. No most of most of its audio I listen to them driving and in the sauna and you listen because like if I listen to an audiobook my Imagination goes off and I start thinking different thoughts. Oh, yeah, like it'll spark something I the what's the one about the

What's the one about the – what's the book about the people from Portugal coming down the coast of Africa? It's like the conquistadors or the conquerors. It's a book. And the second I hear – and then they had the Muslim chief come out and they put shit in his mouth with pork. My brain goes to a different place. I don't – I just start – my imagination takes over. I think I'm too active of an imagination that I have it based in reality or your scatterbrained I'm that could be that probably that yeah, I

Am really good at concentrating on things that I'm interested in for real But they have to be interesting to me if they're not interesting it's just fucking in one ear out the other It's very select top five things you're interested in right now. Oh just fucking in one ear, out the other. It's very selective. Top five things you're interested in right now. Oh, well, I'm always interested in multiple things simultaneously. The problem with me is time management.

It's always time management. Like, when someone says, oh, I'm bored, I'm like, I don't even know what the fuck you're saying. I haven't been bored in fucking six years. Yeah, I wish I had nine lives to live simultaneously. I would do nine different things. I would love a twin brother. Yeah, just make him do your shit. No, no, no.

I just would like to team up with him at the end of the night and go, what did you do today? Yeah, well, you probably would hate each other. Dude, we'd do killer promos. I know brothers that fucking hate each other. Twins that hate each other. I just dated a girl. She was a twin. She hated her sister.

For real? I'm like, that's nuts. Yeah, they don't talk. To this day, I don't think they talk i follow uh i i apologize uh two gay twins in australia on instagram that are hilarious this one's his brother scott sassy scott and they just and the one brother just with the other brother and it is dude i'm gay dudes i wonder if i got pitched gay wrong you got pitched it yeah who pitched gay to you when i was a kid they pitched it yeah like hey here's an idea no no it's like they come into your office here's the presentation we got a

reel we're gonna show you the first this is uh this is all about being gay and it's just like a bunch of rainbows and guys like dancing together the first time do you remember the first time you heard about gay i lived in san francisco when i was seven so i was around gay people at a very early age really and did your mom pull your sign explain it not that i. Someone must have explained it. But it was so normal to me because we moved from New Jersey to San Francisco when I was seven years old. And it was the height of the Vietnam War, the hippie movement. And we were in the gay neighborhood. It was gay. Everyone was gay.

So you'd see dudes holding hands. Oh, yeah. I was walking down the street with my stepfather, and some guy catcalled him. Really? It was hilarious. I was like, wow, this is crazy. Okay, so then let's pick apart gay. Okay, so then high school is when I think the majority of homophobia, or at least for

me, that's when I first ever heard homophobia. Yeah. It's like the F word or whatever. You know, I don't want to say it. I'm trying not to say the bad words. But like, but the first time I ever heard about gay was I was in a shower with my cousins

and my cousin Jenny said, oh, these two guys, they're our uncles, they're gay. I said, what's that? She goes, it's when two guys rub their dicks together. And I was like, oh. I was like, okay, weird. The next time, one of my uncles

had AIDS and another uncle said you're not gay are you and I was like I don't know tell me I think I don't think I am how old were you at the time I must have been 10 yeah you're really getting pitched gay bad you're right and they were Rubbing dicks together or getting AIDS. You're like, and I'm 10. You're like, what? Am I gay? Yeah. What happened? It was overwhelming.

And then, and I know I'm straight because I saw Wonder Woman and I liked it. Oh, okay. That makes sense. But a lot of gay guys saw Wonder Woman and they wanted to be her. What about them? They liked it too. I didn't mind being her also. Ooh.

Yeah, like I. Back to latex. Yeah Quicksand porn and all that shit quicksand porn. Oh, you know girls get stuck in quicksand you fuck them while they're stuck No, you don't fuck him Joey. Just watch him go under and stop talking. Oh You've never you have to have seen quicksand porn no, come on No, I thought you were talking about like stuck in the dryersand porn no come on no I thought you were talking about like stuck in the dryer porn

so no cause there's a lot of that stuck in the dryer oh yeah where girls pretend they bend over like I can't get out of the dryer will you help me

and the guy's grabbing the girl's hips and trying to pull her I don't know why I can't get you out here and she's like oh my god are you hard I'll make my wife look

for my reading glasses under our bed and she doesn't know why she's looking oh that's hilarious I'm like no no see if they're deeper under there keep going oh she doesn't know why she's looking. Oh, that's hilarious. I'm like, no, no, see if they're deeper under there. Keep going.

Oh, that's funny. I'm like De Niro in Goodfellas. No, no, it's just around the corner. They're the most unrealistic plots ever. A fucking dryer is so big. How are you stuck? It's still so hot. It's still so hot. Your whole body goes into that dryer.

How are you possibly stuck? Oh, this is quicksand porn? Hang on, stop, stop, stop, stop. Hang on. This is the, hold on. This is the fucking white whale is quicksand porn? Hang on, stop, stop, stop, stop. Hang on. This is the, hold on. This is the fucking white whale of quicksand porn. Okay? Okay.

So hold on. God damn it. I didn't know this was a thing until right now. This is amazing. So your sexuality, whatever you like sexually was imprinted on you at an age you don't remember and you don't know why. This is a theory I have. You have this own theory?

This is my theory. You developed this theory? Because quicksand porn, I heard about it. And what had happened is we didn't get to see a lot of porn when we were kids because porn wasn't out. But the only thing we got to see was a device plot. It was called quicksand because Cleopatra of the Nile had quicksand in it. So then all TV shows started throwing quicksand in it.

What was Cleopatra of the Nile? Is that a movie? Is that like Elizabeth Taylor? It's like a big hit movie and they had quicksand in it. What was Cleopatra of the Nile? Is that a movie? Is that like Elizabeth Taylor? It's like a big hit movie and they had quicksand as a plot device. Quicksand was a thing in movies for a while. Oh, now you're getting it. You know who did a whole special about it?

Was NPR. No, not NPR. Radio Lab. Radio Lab. That's where I first learned about this. They're called sinkers. People that are into quicksand are called sinkers. And so you got imprinted sexually at a certain age. So say you're into Wonder Woman, like myself. I'm really into Wonder Woman.

Well, then I also don't mind a little bit of tying up, because Wonder Woman got tied up. I don't mind a little bit of costume. A little lasso of truth. A little bit of costume. You like a lasso of truth. I love a lasso of truth. Yeah, in your underwear being

told what to do so quick now now what we're getting to is the this is the penultimate this is i can't believe you used that word i'm not sure i used it right i've never used that word i've read it i don't know what it means penultimate i think it's like the super ultimate right sounds like it right yeah okay adventures of Okay, Adventures of O-Girl, Struggle Sand with Christina Carter. Wow, she's hot. She is hot, and she's got a costume on, which imprints me from when I saw Wonder Woman.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. So this lady's whole deal is she makes videos where she gets stuck in sand? Oh, give me some volume. This is fucking, oh. Hold on. No, there was like some dialogue. Here, something happened between her and the other girl

before she walked in. Jamie. Thank you, Felina. The gig is up. The gig is up. Hello, oh girl. Nice of you to drop by. Sure it is.

What do you think of my new kitty box? Very nice of you, Felina, but I'm taking you in. Oh, she's taking her in. She's a superhero. Oh, darling, how are you going to take me in when you won't be going anywhere? Oh, yeah? Why's that? Because unbeknownst to you, my love, you're standing in struggle sand.

Struggle sand. Struggle sand. Now, mind you, Jo, look at the artwork in struggle sand. Struggle sand. Struggle sand. Now, mind you, Joe, look at the artwork in the back. Does that remind you a little bit of the Brady Bunch? A little bit. Yeah, right? So this is all trying to imprint on the shit that nostalgically reminds you of sex. This is my theory.

The Brady Bunch reminds you of sex? Yeah, of course. Look at this. Like, she's in the sand. Yeah, the best part's coming up. When she pulls her tits out? Nope. When her tits hit the sand.

Right here, when her tits hit the... That's what's good? That's the best part of quicksand. You see a little areola on that right nipple, am I right? Yeah. A little bit. You see the shadow. How do they get away with that on YouTube?

She's got some giant-ass areolas. This is not on YouTube. This is definitely not on YouTube. And now she's going under. So they wouldn't have this on YouTube? No, no. I'm not on YouTube. And now she's going under. So they wouldn't have this on YouTube? I'm not on YouTube is what I'm saying. Okay, but why couldn't you have this on YouTube? That areola is full bloom.

You're talking over the best part. Look at that. Am I? The screaming? This is, no, the fucking, the boobs in the sand are the thing. Oh. That's the thing. That's the thing.

Look, and they know how to milk the thing. Mm. Okay. And so all this is like... They stop milking it. The shit you didn't pick, that hits you. Right?

Like, for whatever reason, you're... Does she die? No, she just stopped talking. How does she get out of this? We don't watch the whole thing. The suspense is killing me. She's gonna get up to her eyeballs.

Only time will tell. That's it? That's it. She's good. Tune to her eyeballs. Only time will tell. That's it? That's it. She's good. Tune in next time. No, this is like a woman-hating thing. It's like men who hate women, they want them to drown. No, no, no.

There's a bunch of them? Well, the ones outdoors are pretty fucking hot. So she just keeps sinking underwater? They're not all necessarily... Like, there's a hundred of them. Look at all these fucking... Go to Dana Knight and Catwoman. But look at all these fucking screenshots.

It's all her sinking in sand. That's her whole... Oh, there's the titties. Oh, go to that one. Quick Sand Date. Yeah But look at all these fucking screenshots. It's all her sinking in sand. That's her whole... Oh, there's the titties. Oh, go to that one. QuickSand date. Yeah, look at that one. That's a good one. So that one, now she's got full bloom.

You're going to have to hide that from the general public. I'm not showing any of this. They have to look it up themselves. We've explained it well enough. Yeah, I believe so. So she's on a date. See, this one you just cut to, oh my God, where'd my clothes go? Yeah.

Is this the same lady? No. By the god, where'd my clothes go? Yeah. Is it the same lady? No. By the way, these are actually dangerous as fucking shit. What is? These quicksand ones. Um, that's not quicksand, buddy. That's not quicksand. That's just a hole she dug. Just a hole. That's nonsense. She's just getting her tits dirty.

That's not quicksand. But it's interesting that you don't have a choice on this stuff. The dominators told me this. You don't have a choice on the stuff that you're into. It's interesting that you don't have a choice on this stuff. The dominators told me this. You don't have a choice on the stuff that you're into. It's stuff that, in a weird way, you showed up, you walked into, and then that was playing on the TV maybe. You know, have you ever heard of, like, I met a gay dude one time who said that he knew he was gay, but he didn't know why he was gay but he didn't know

why he was gay none of this shit showed up on the radar as a kid does that make sense? yeah like he didn't have a lisp he didn't didn't want to wear women's clothes none of this shit showed up and I was like that's fucking crazy

because I remember seeing Wonder Woman being turned on as a kid I remember looking at Vogue magazine and going and this is sounds insane But being depressed because I thought I may never get that girl. You know, huh? You were depressed because you thought you didn't may never get that girl Yeah, like you'd see a beautiful woman in Vogue and I go I may never get her that fucking bums me out She's a very specific girl I may never get her.

That fucking bums me out. She's beautiful. That very specific girl? I don't remember. She was on a boat. So just because the magazines, like seeing people that were represented in magazines. Yeah. Because nowadays, kids are on the spectrum of sexuality, and I'm not certain it's the same as when we were.

Because when we were, it was almost like- A lot is influenced by the zeitgeist, for sure. Yeah. We were born, and I remember them talking about this, we were born straight or born gay. It wasn't a choice. I would argue now it's probably on the spectrum of choice for kids. I think some people choose it.

I think some people are curious, but I think a lot of people are just born gay. But hang on, because I would argue if you're curious you're gay. That's how I was grew up Yeah, I think you're curious. No, but okay. Well, you said more open-minded to it now Especially girls. It seems like girls are trying more lesbianism It's like when things are accepted by society and not just accepted but actually celebrated Sometimes people and there's no negative consequences. I have a whole joke about it, about girls doing gay stuff. No one cares.

But the difference is that, you know, like LBGT rights, which is so weird that they're all connected together, right? But that people are trying to be more open-minded about stuff. but that people are trying to be more open-minded about stuff. So they're more accepting of what you used to call alternative lifestyles. You know, when I lived in San Francisco, I went from San Francisco to Florida. You lived in Florida? Lived in Gainesville. Wait, for real?

Yeah, yeah. When? When I was 11 until I was 13. And then we moved to Boston. Wow. Yeah. So I lived in Gainesville. You lived in Gainesville? Yeah. What got your mom to Gainesville?

My stepdad was going to college there. For real? Yeah, he was finishing up his degree there. That's right around the time they were making Gatorade. I think so. Well, there was alligators there. I saw alligators all the fucking time. Lake Alice. You know where Lake Alice is right of course dude I have a I have a bit I've been

trying to work out about um about I tried to do it last night a little bit on stage about growing up in Florida there's so many predators that you grow up a little bit sorry talking about that about the giraffes that was very funny uh no no no there's something more to that there's something more to it but like, so like when we were in Hawaii, I was in Hawaii with my girls and we were with this Hawaiian guy and he was very casual and very loose. And I said, the guy seems like he has no anxiety. And Isla, my youngest, goes, yeah, they have no snakes here, dad. Imagine if you grew up without snakes.

Oh, yeah. And then I was like, oh, yeah. Well, Florida now. Dude, Florida is. Infested. Fucking pythons, rattlesnakes, moccasins, alligators, lightning. I mean, the shit I grew up afraid of. Iguanas. Sexual predators.

When I was a kid is when Adam Walsh got kidnapped. So I grew up with terror. I never once went water skiing and fell in the water and was like, that was fun. You kept your feet up and you're like, I'm good. Come get me. Get me the fuck out of the water. Yeah.

Because there's fucking dinosaurs that will eat you. I would never go water skiing in Florida. You're out of your fucking mind. We did it every fucking day. Dude, fuck that. Fuck that. When I lived in Florida, I remember clearly some lady was walking her dog and the dog got jacked by an alligator. It was when I was a little kid and they were still

protected back then my point was when I went from San Francisco where I lived in San Francisco my next-door neighbor was this gay couple and my aunt who's staying with us at the time used to go next door and smoke pot and play bongos with the gay guys they would all get naked and they would be playing bongos together and she loved the fact that she'd get naked with these gay guys they didn't care about her because they were gay yeah and so it was like completely normal to me to be around gay people then i went to gainesville and i was friends with this cuban kid and his dad his dad was so mad because they were trying to give people gay marriage.

And I remember he threw the newspaper down on the kitchen table. He's like, I can't fucking believe this. They want to get fucking married. And I was like, what do you care? It was so weird to me that I was 11 years old. And then I realized in that moment, I go, oh, there's some thing. And I realized this at 11. in that moment, I go, oh, there's some thing. And I realized this at 11. There's some things that distract people and that you think are important, but they're not. They're just like

cultural beach balls that get tossed around at a concert where people just throw a thing around. It fucking means nothing to you. The only people that it should matter to are the gay people that want to get married. But to this guy, who's a married guy with a kid who is my friend, his kid was my buddy, and I'm over his house. To him, gay people getting married was like, what the fuck? He was so mad. Threw the newspaper down. The fuck is this? And I was like, wow.

You got distracted. You're getting distracted by something that doesn't mean anything. Like why would you care at all? Oh, it's how they do. It's everything. No, it's how they do prank shows. Someone explain this to me. The way to prank someone is to make them think they're watching the prank.

When you distract the person being pranked and go, you're watching the prank, then that's how you prank them. Like it's what you're saying. It's the same way you get pickpocketed is they hit you with one thing. They hit you with one thing while they do the other thing. So what that is is this guy's getting pickpocketed. He's getting distracted by the bump, gay marriage,

when the government's coming at him from the other way going, now that we got you there, let's talk about the thing we really brought you to talk about. That's the thing we want to change your mind on. I don't even know if it's that calculated that the government does it in a calculated manner. I think it's a human nature thing. I think human beings naturally distract themselves with nonsense.

That it's a common characteristic. And that leads to distraction. It leads to procrastination. It leads to being unfulfilled in your life. You get trapped and super hyper-focused on things to the point where you're not even thinking about the important things in your life. Yeah, but I do that in a negative way. Like, that's why I don't fuck with comments. Of course. Everybody does. Yeah, but I do that in a negative way. Like, that's why I don't fuck with comments or... Of course.

Everybody does. Yeah, but comments would fuck me up and then I had to get off it entirely. I had to hire someone because I go... I remember...

I think I told you this. I apologize if I'm telling you it again. I went back into the comments one time. One fucking time this last year. One time I read a comment and it was fucking

luis j gomez posted a video about bernie shob and and i didn't like it was bothered me because i like brendan he's a fucking sweet guy and uh but you know curious birds like i wonder what the comments say so i go into the comments like going like i should be safe here, right? The first comment is, you know, Burt Kreischer is reading these comments. And I'm like, motherfucker, I'm not even safe in these comments. Like, so I don't fuck with comments because it would ruin a day, a great day that I had at home. It would ruin a day if someone, one guy who threw a Molotov cocktail into my business. He was already on to the next business.

He's a fucking marcher. He's throwing Molotovs in everyone's fucking comments. But it would fuck my day up. And I was like, I can't give that guy that power. No, you shouldn't. And also, you should recognize that what it is is an incredible – look, there's good and bad. And you can't get around the bad to get the good Yeah, it's not like you could eliminate all the negative comments in order to get what's interesting about the internet

What the what's interesting about the internet is freedom? You would have done the same thing if you were 17 years old and you had a Twitter account I would have done the same thing Yeah, I did it to fucking Bourdain one time. What'd you do? I'm a fucking dumb cunt self. Saw him on a picture of a private jet. He took a picture on a private jet, and I was like, I fucking said something shitty. And by the way, I used it in my own account, and I just said something shitty. And then someone hit me up, and they were like, hey, man, if you were on a private jet,

wouldn't you take a picture? And I was like, and then they sent me a picture of me on a private jet taking a picture of myself and I was like oh fuck I did the exact same thing I'm being shitty about and Bourdain was one of my heroes but I guess I looked at it he was a hero of mine because I was a travel general at the time

it's a twitter thing too it's the virtue signal aspect of twitter that some people find just irresistible it's a gross thing it's disgusting It's the virtue signal aspect of Twitter that some people find just irresistible. Yeah. It's a gross thing. It's disgusting. I block people sometimes.

Like I told you, I got back on the Twitter because your fucking goddamn tweet, your goddamn fucking thing hit me up at, what was my name? Oops, I did it, Asian. That's my Twitter handle. Oops, I did it what? Asian. Asian? Yeah. I was trying to say, oops, I did it again, and I's my Twitter handle. Oops, I did it what? Asian. Asian? Yeah. I was trying to say, oops, I did it again, and I misspelled it.

Oh, Jesus Christ. And it came out Asian, and it was available, so I took it. So hit me up. So I don't remember what I was saying. I don't remember what you're saying for sure. Who gives a fuck? Yeah. Have I ever said anything important?

Chinese robot dick-sucking machines that aren't really. Oh, I got onto Chris Rocks. Okay. Because the one thing I missed about Twitter was the news. The news feed is pretty good on Twitter. Yeah, the news feed's great. So the only person I follow is Elon Musk. And so I fucking look and it's Chris Rocks trending.

And I obviously, if not the reason I got into stand-up one of the two reasons and I saw people commenting negative about a special and I just went on on this oops I did it Asian pocket and I blocked them because they don't know it's me I go fuck you I don't ever want to hear you say ever again you don't like the thing I like fuck you and I blocked all these people that said negative shit about Chris Rock it It felt so good. I don't mind people saying negative shit about things. I like to know how people think. If people are thinking different, it's interesting. It's not like I don't agree with them.

You know, I've heard people say, I heard people talking shit about Chris's special. And they were talking shit about how he was calling out Jada and Will and all that. Like, shut the fuck up. If anybody should be doing that, it's him. You want to talk about that's humiliating? What do you think it's like getting slapped in front of the whole world on the Oscars? But if anything that's great for us as stand-ups, that reignited Chris Rock. Yeah.

Reignited the old Chris Rock that doesn't give a fuck, that's not trying to be a movie star. I think when those people clapped for Will Smith, I think that was like him realizing like, what the fuck am I doing with these people? And what I identify with about the Chris Rock slap was, I don't think anyone realizes, and I apologize if this is not the life Chris had,

but Chris was a smaller dude growing up in Brooklyn. Yeah. When Brooklyn was Brooklyn. Yeah. You know there were guys that took liberties with him as a young guy. 100%. How you become a comedian. I've been slapped.

I've told you about a few slaps, but I've been slapped a bunch, and I didn't do anything. And what you do is you end up being the guy laying in bed, and you can't go to sleep because you're destroying that person in your head, and that's how you deform a comics brain So when he did that that was the actual watching of what turn Chris into a comic Return him into a comic Wow. I Didn't even look at it that that's what I saw all I saw was like yeah, man That's all of us that where the bigger guy got to take advantage of the little guy

Yeah, then we became comics, and they go, don't worry. Don't worry. One day, one day, I'm going to destroy you when you can't handle it. Dude, that definitely happened to me. And that's why I root for that guy. Yeah, I got

picked on. I just learned how to fight. You're a different dude. I was like, okay, I got to solve this problem. You need to understand no one's like you. And I know that you think everyone's like you. No one's like you. That's why I want to write a self-help book. No one can be you.

No one can be you, right? But everyone can be like me. I don't know if everyone can be like you. Everyone has an opportunity. Everyone can keep up with you partying. You're not normal like whatever your appetite for alcohol and your ability to digest it the fact that was only fucked up by blood pressure medication it's insanity people drinking half as much would be dead i think i think people misremember how much i drink like when you misremember i've been there

motherfucker people are gonna go he drank this whole bottle no. Misremember? I've been there, motherfucker. People are going to go, he drank this whole bottle. Not today, but I've been with you when you go down. Oh, you don't think it makes me seethe inside to watch you guys do Protect My Parks and go, let me drink with those motherfuckers? You want to see people throw up? You want to see private videos

of people throwing up on tables? I'll show you private videos. That's not necessarily what Protect Our Parks is about. It's not about just getting fucked up on tables. I'll show you private videos. That's not necessary with protect our parks is about Just getting fucked up Interesting conversations amongst friends, you know, it's not all about the drugs. It's the best part Last time Ari was doing whippets. These two mother fuckers wearing sunglasses and And drinking I love you know those are my four favorite people to drink with. You, Shane, Ari, and Mark are my four favorite

people to drink with. If Ari had never drugged me, we would have the best fucking life. Well, you gotta let that go. I can't let it go. Leanne can't let it go. I let it go, but I can't have them on fucking fully loaded. You know how much I'd love, how great would Ari Shafir be? Your wife won't let you have them on fully loaded no my daughter's ari it's time to send flowers i wish i

wish ari had any i love you ari i love you i wish he had any accountability in his life even maybe he will now that he's more successful life is like shined upon him i would would love. Flowers. I'm in New York this week. Flowers and chocolates. Ari Shafir. I'm in New York. I'm in New York this week promoting my special Razzle Dazzle streaming right now on Netflix. Ari, do me a favor. I'll hit up Ari privately. Take, look at that guy.

Look at that watch. Take what? Look at that shoulder, Joe. That's a fucking legit breast and shoulder. What are you saying? I see the good parts of my body. Okay, okay. What are you saying about I see the good parts of my body. Okay, okay. What are you saying about Ari?

What do you want him to do? I want him to make fucking good with my wife. How's that going to be possible? Because he... What would he have to do? It's impossible. It's impossible because Ari, I love him. Maybe you'd have to do Molly with your wife.

No. He doesn't have the ability... They would let it go. He doesn't have the ability to see past his fuck up because he's never been married, so he never had to compromise with people. So for Ari, when you're a bachelor, my dad told me this, when you're a bachelor for long enough, you end up becoming set in your ways where the only person you have to make happy is yourself. And so you make sure that that guy's taken care of first. where the only person you have to make happy is yourself. And so you make sure that that guy's taken care of first.

When you get married, and I'm sure you're going to understand this, you start realizing my wants and needs are part of a team's wants and needs. And so I need to make sure everyone's happy. So you learn compromise at an age usually where then you learn to compromise with everybody. Like you text me and go, hey, can we do 130? Maybe a broken guy goes, fine, and gets upset. I go, yeah, of course, buddy. I get it.

I get it. I know your life. I know you probably woke up late because we were out late. You got to walk the dog. You got to play with the dog. You got to work out. And I understand that. I had already apologized to Leanne one time.

He wrote something shitty about Georgia on Instagram, and it was mean, and it fucked up our vacation, and Leanne hated him And I said trust me he knows he's wrong And I said we at Tom's house me and Tom set it up It was and and we let Leanne and Ari go into the kitchen and we all went outside And when I I told Ari all you got to do is apologize just apologize just apologize. No questions. Just apologize. You're sorry She'll understand it please Ari everyone loves you everyone loves you Leanne came out of that kitchen and goes Ari is broken

as fuck and Ari walked out behind her goes how can I apologize it was a joke it was a joke and I was like god damn it Ari you could have and then Leanne forgave him forgave him because she's married she knows what it's like I want this I wish this was past us i don't think it will you know the drugging thing because i would love to have him on fully loaded he would be the perfect he's probably better he's not you think yeah it's like let it go if he's not willing to apologize for a joke about your daughter how's he gonna apologize for the drugging you it's like he just won't. He's just Ari. Maybe that's why you like him. Keep him away from your family.

It's like Slash used to connect poison and snake. I'm not taking Ari on vacation. Like, hey, Ari, why don't you come with me and my family on vacation? You know what disaster that would be? Ari's doing acid by the pool. You're like, what are you doing? He's like, I don't know. I don't know where I am.

I'm like, like dad what's wrong with your friend oh my friend's on acid why is he making out with his dog he tongue kisses with his dog the fuck is wrong he's the best the best is when people don't know him that work with me and then they'll hear me talk on the phone with a or like Pete my assistant Pete you met last night yeah uh one night we all hung out Ari was with us and then Ari leaves and he goes I get why you like that guy I go yeah there's like there's like it's it's a poisonous snake it's a it's a beautiful animal it's a poisonous snake. Ari's awesome.

He's the best. I've been friends with Ari since he was a door guy. I was friends with him when he was first starting out at the comedy store. He's a young guy in his 20s. Just got here from, I guess he got here from Maryland. I think it's Jerusalem. Where is that? Are we doing tequila now? What is that?

I have no idea. Tequila? Los Sundays? Yeah. Get in there, sir. I love Ari. I miss Joey. Yeah, I miss Joey, too.

Got to fly Joey out for this club. Is he coming out? Yeah, I got to figure out when to have him come out. See what he's doing. You know, I know he's been doing some stand-up in New Jersey. Really? Yeah, it's the same thing that I was saying about Theo. You've got to have your tribe.

When you're alone by yourself in some city, even if you're doing stand-up, it's like you're missing the hang. That's a big part of what we do is the hang. That's why last night was so fun. That's why all those people that weren't even on the show came by to hang out. Ron came by. Tim Dillon came by, Adrian came by. I'll tell you the other part.

You don't get this often. I got it last night. Is when you're the fifth most famous person in a room, you're not the most famous person in a room. So what sucks, I don't mean it sucks, but what sucks currently for me is that I don't get to sit and listen and drink it in. It's like I'm sitting with you, Jim, Ron, Tony Hinchcliffe's in there,

Mark Smalls is in there. We're all in there, but mostly, and Mark Smalls texted me this morning. He was like, it was fun watching you listen. Hold that thought. I gotta piss again. God damn it, Joe. It's fun watching you listen. I'm super hydrated right now. I got to piss again. God damn it, Joe. Fun watching you listen. I'm super hydrated right now. I've never felt better. Is my cum affected by testosterone?

We'll find out. I didn't cum a lot today. I'll let you know. Wait, what were we talking about? We were talking about, you were talking about being, that you were listening because it was such a hang. Oh, so fucking best. Because there's so many people I get stuck in rooms

I get stuck in rooms where I or I'm the person that That sold the arena right or like sold the movie or did the thing and so I find myself and I find it gross I find myself talking or in LA. I'll talk to a lot of comics and then they'll go like comics I respect they'll go like so tell me what I can do to grow my podcaster or Or tell me what to do with the podcaster or this thing. I don't mean this arrogant I just mean it is like a self-awareness is last night Mark Smalls tested me this morning says fun being there and fun listening and I was like, yeah, man I don't listen anymore because I got to a place where I

Got to a place where maybe I maybe I'm putting myself in the room I put myself in rooms where I talk a lot. And I'm a natural talker. I talk a lot. But it was fun last night listening to you. You talked a lot last night. I don't know what the fuck you were saying. I didn't talk at all. You were there. Jamie and I talk a lot.

Jamie, he was talking a lot. No, I don't know. I'm just fucking around. No, it's fun. The hang is the? No, no, I don't know. I'm just fucking around. I'm just fucking around. No, it's fun. Look, the hang is the best part, man. Well, that's the thing. It's the hang. Getting to listen to Ron White tell stories and, you know, listening to Jim Norton.

It's fucking amazing. I got to meet Adrienne last night. That was the first time meeting her. She's fucking funny. Adrienne Appaloochee? She's fucking funny. She's great. She's very funny.

She's really funny. Yeah, it. She's very funny. She's really funny. Yeah, it's very funny and cool to hang with. She did some woke show, she said. They weren't really into it. Are there woke shows? I don't know. It's South by Southwest. Oh, yeah.

You're connected to a lot of tech people and very strange entertainment people. It's like you're dealing with the people that clapped when Will Smith won the Oscar. It's like the same. Those people, these like untethered humans, non-artists, these untethered non-artists. I had a dude come on my podcast and I said something horrible and he laughed. It was bad. And he laughed and we all laughed. And he was like, hey, can you take out me out me laughing I was like that's not how that works I took it out I took it out

because I don't want you know I want everyone to feel comfortable that's funny that's up yeah that's when when you start people get scared it was the beauty of watching I know I've told you this but watching Georgia you know George and my girls have only George and I were on fully loaded last year they only know Joey is Uncle Joey, like a legit Uncle Joey. Right. Uncle Joey came every Easter, every Christmas, every time we had a barbecue, any party, he came home with his wife and his daughter. They only know him as Uncle Joey, like a legit Uncle Joey.

Right. And then Joey Diaz goes on stage and does Joey, like aggressive. I mean, I'm talking. Yeah. And Georgia, I'd watch her put her hand to her mouth and go, I didn't mean to laugh at that. I go, baby. I go, that's your uncle up there. Like, that's fucking, that's who he is.

That's who you love. But more importantly, I go, laughter, you can't stop it. It makes you laugh. That's the surprise of laughter is the beauty of laughter. Yeah, you can't be upset about laughing, especially when your dad's a fucking comedian. It's ridiculous. Well, I think these kids these days, they get into this mindset of, like, be on the right side of history. Yeah, that's turning the other way, man.

Let me tell you something. That's turning the other way. It's interesting. other way, man. Let me tell you something. That's turning the other way. It's interesting. This is really nice. Kids are getting very upset with the woke shit, and now it's going the other way. And the cool kids are like, they're not buying it anymore. It's like, it's interesting. It's interesting to watch like teenagers now.

My daughter has teenage friends and the way they talk. And I don't think it's just her friends. I think there's a trend. I think it's like a cultural thing like things shift one way where everybody tries to get really woke and then people go hey that's fucking annoying and then they go back to just being silly and having fun and just getting to realize that it's okay to joke around about things it's okay to have fun and they're like not everything is about social justice and the climate oh we got to preserve the climate you know we have to talk about it constantly on phones made by slaves like the just the nonsense and the hypocrisy where the banks burn like all of it is ridiculous like there's so it's again it's the gay marriage thing there's so

many fucking distractions that people have there's cultural distractions there's social distractions there's financial distractions there's like so much while you're just living for a very short amount of time very short and it goes carly simon old as fuck now look how hot she was when she was young and that doesn't last it doesn't last you on the cover of that netflix special that's as good as it gets, buddy. From here on out, it's all downhill. I'm cool with that. Are you? Yeah. No, you're not. That's why you're on

peptides. Come on, son. Let's get back to where we belong. I want it to last forever. Oh. I want to fake my death once. Well, you think you don't die. I had a conversation with Bert once. I'll tell you folks about this. Bert goes, I don't think you die.

I go, what are you talking about? He goes, prove it. Prove it. How do you know you die? I don't think I die. It's a great thing. I think I just keep going. Yeah.

And I go, well, Bert, what do you think when all these people are dying? He goes, eh, not me. It's never been me yet. I've been at funerals going that way. That's not me up there. That's true. But that's a been me yet. I've been at funerals going that way. That's not me up there. That's true, but that's a very limited way. That's how a German shepherd would look at death. Marshall seems pretty fucking happy.

He's pretty happy. Marshall seems pretty fucking happy. Do you think Marshall thinks about death? He definitely does not think about death, but delivering death to squirrels. Yeah, I got that energy. That sweet dog is the squirrel murderer. That's what his favorite fucking pastime is. You think?

I would love to introduce him to one of my two dogs and see if they go, hey, who's your dad? No. Oh, my dad does comedy too. I don't think they do that. Do you think they'd have, yeah, I guess you're right. They probably just check each other for dominance. They sniff each other's dicks and then they spin around and growl at each other and so figure out who's boss So what's your alternative Louie said this to me? He said it just goes black one day

Well, he doesn't know that that can't be the alternative. He doesn't know that not only that there's a lot of evidence That's not the case Hmm, there's only hear this well first of all there's bizarre chemical doorways in your brain your brain produces psychedelic chemicals that We don't understand and there's a study right now one of the things that Graham Hancock was talking me about recently was that there's a Study that's going on. Hancock has a great thing on fucking Netflix. Oh, it's amazing He's a guy that I heard his name a bunch because of you didn't know what the fuck he did Yeah, like I knew he's a thing, but I didn't know he was a thing thing. I keep fucking up the name, but it's Ancient Apocalypse, right?

Yeah, Ancient Apocalypse. It's fucking. It's very good. It's really good. But this is the culmination of Graham's life work. I mean, I found out about his original book, Fingerprints of the Gods, in the 90s. And I remember reading it and people were like ridiculing it, saying, oh, that's preposterous. That's pseudoscience. Everything in that book has now been proven to be true all of it all of his his hypothesis and now

it's correlated with uh data that shows about these asteroid impacts and so randall carlson and him teaming together so randall's an expert on these comet impacts and the the impact that it had in the younger dryas impact theory and then graham is an expert on these ancient civilizations and so the two of them together have put together this very very fascinating timeline of the rebirth of human civilization which is around 11 800 years ago that we got fucking rocked and it reset the earth. But he was talking about this and he was talking about, um, on the last podcast we did, he was talking about these studies that are doing, they're doing out of a university in England where they're doing a slow drip DMT, um, experience with these people.

And because they're doing it for hours and hours, they do a slow drip where they keep them in this state, which is normally a very transient state. Because you hit it with a fucking pipe normally. Yeah, yeah, normally. So there's no regulating how much you get. Right. So this, because it's an IV, because it's coming in a drip,

it's like constant and continuous. And these people are going to the same place and they're having repeatable experiences. So instead of having like a 15 minute DMT trip, which is a lot of people have, that's like overwhelming. You can't even figure out what's going on. Then it's over. Instead of that, you're going to the exact same place over and over and over again and getting more and more comfortable with it and coming back with very similar stories so yeah it's a repeatable environment where they're encountering entities and they're trying to map it so these people are doing these long-term studies with long-term experiments

meaning like not a 15-minute term but like not a 15 minute trip, but multiple hours at a time. And they're coming back with like a map of the territory. So this is the concept. The theory that many people have is that death opens up a chemical gateway in the mind. And that chemical gateway takes whatever the soul is, whatever consciousness is, and transports it into this new realm. It allows you, your conscious mind, to access this new realm, which is available to you upon death. And so a lot of the ancient cultures that did ayahuasca and mushrooms, they would talk about this realm as being like a well of souls that you encounter disembodied life forms, disembodied spirits. And this has been, it's been a staple of so many religions.

There's so many religions that talk about the afterlife. I mean, I get that you would want to come up with something like that just because you wanted to have some sort of a reason to keep going with a rational mind when you're dealing with this existential angst of a temporary existence. And one day you're just going to be worm food. What's the point of it all? Why don't I end it now?

It's too much. Life is to live is to suffer. No, there's something waiting for you when it's over. And this is like that's the carrot at the end of the stick so a lot of people think well i'm too smart for that fucking carrot like no no no no life is suffering life is pointless and it goes black one day it's like what bourdain did to himself it's like there's like this romantic notion that some people have that to end this depressing thinking is like to just do it just to end your own life is the best way to?

Just get through this but They don't know they don't know you don't know that you just go black you have no idea They don't just say that is so foolish just to think of the fucking complexity of the universe itself just the the vast scope of it and now with this James Webb telescope they're starting to like look at galaxies that don't even make sense like how is this galaxy so formed and it's so far away

like is the is the universe older than we think it is like there's all this new speculation now because of new data to think that you know what happens to you when you die is dumb. It's dumb. You don't. You cannot know. I thought this was going to be a panic attack, and now I'm feeling better about myself. Yeah, to be clear, I don't think it ends.

I don't think it ends either. I just don't think it ever ends. I think the real fear is not that it doesn't end. The real fear is that it never ends. Imagine if you have to live your life over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. Forever, could you do it? Doesn't that freak out? Isn't it interesting?

Listen to this. Last night, didn't we have a great time? Hadn't seen you in forever. We hug, dude, what's up? Have a couple of cocktails. And for me, I'm a manager of a club now. I'm like walking around, I didn't even perform. I just got to hang out.

Get to hang out in Mitzi's room and have a real talk. Oh, we went to have a nice dinner. Wouldn't you want to do that forever and ever and ever? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But can you? Yep. This is the thought.

Like for some people, that makes them freak out. This idea that you would live your life, the life that you have right now forever and you would just keep going back and doing it all again until you get it right. I would love it. I had a dream one time that I went back in time to college. I traveled in time, and I realized I was traveling in time, and I said to my roommate, Hutch, I said, I'm from the future.

I came back. And he goes, oh, oh shit so what are like uh what are you going to change i said well nothing i it was great and he was like oh so you have to do all the same stupid shit you did and you have to do all the same mistakes to get to where you are today and i was like oh fuck i don't get to go back in time and fuck more chicks. I gotta fuck the same chicks I Was like god damn it and then I was panicking Imagine if you just have the exact same experiences over and over again Just you figure out how to make better decisions with each time. Maybe that's the wisdom of an old soul

Yeah, but if it's like Groundhog's Day Groundhog's Day he ends unhappy, but if you end up happy yeah I ended up happy but nobody he ends up happy in's Day, he ends unhappy. But if you end up happy. Yeah, he ended up happy. But no, but he ends up happy in the movie because he was unhappy in real life. Right. I'm happy in real life. So in order to be happy in real life, I have to make the same mundane choices every single day. But are they mundane? No.

I mean, no. It's not that they're mundane. They're not mundane. It's just like you're always, if you're trying to be better at anything, you're always trying to think, why did I do that? Or why should I have done this? Why did I tweet at Bourdain that way? But I couldn't have started stand-up earlier, which I think in hindsight I would love to have started stand-up earlier, but I would have had to wait and start at 26.

Yeah, but why? Why not? Then you have 26 years of life before you start, which is probably better. Which was better. I think my first few years of stand-up were nonsense. I'm very lucky that I got into stand-up were nonsense I'm very lucky that I was an idiot stand-up later in life I'm glad that I got success later in life I'm glad everything happened to me when it did but I do wonder like those chances that you didn't take

that you go I wonder what would have happened yeah I wouldn't if you want to if you want to get to where you are today you got to make the the same choices Yes, like like one of my regrets and obviously not because it's not a regret So I'm happy where I am today, but I would have loved to have worked at the comedy store I remember telling you this one time that's a door man. No. No, I would have loved to have not as a doorman I would have liked to have tried put myself out there and tried to get past at the comedy store earlier in life I remember saying this to you and I don't know if you remember this. We were both drunk. We were out on the patio at the store, and you said, yeah, we wouldn't be friends.

I said, really? You go, yeah. I don't think we would have been friends, and I thought to myself, we wouldn't have been because I would have gotten involved with Coke. I know I would have. I would have gotten involved with Coke. I would have never met Leanne.

I would have never had kids. I would have never become who I was to be the guy. Why did I say we would never be friends? I think you probably memorized that wrong. No, I'm not misremembering it. I remember I can tell you where you were sitting. Maybe I was joking. It doesn't seem like I would say it that way.

But I took it as you were accurate. Had I started at the comedy store, I would have gotten involved in probably the wrong side of comedy. I might have. I know I would have gotten involved with Coke. I loved Coke. Yeah. So what? So did Joey.

Yeah, but I don't think I would have. I don't know if I have that. I don't have. Joey's got the Oprah gene where he can go through the shit and come out on the other side, lose his mom at 13 and come out winning. Joey's got. Well, Joey, he also had like friends that loved him. You know, like when Joey was in the cocaine days, that's when I started taking extra opening acts on the road with me in case Joey didn't show up.

It was like how Ari got a job because I used to have just one guy that had taken the road with me. And then Joey didn't show up sometimes. And so I said, okay, I got to bring someone else. So if Joey shows up, it's a three-man show yeah joey doesn't show up it's just me and ari that's that's how ari started going on the road with me we were on uh we were on fully loaded and uh everyone ate mushrooms one night and we it was like big arena show everyone was fucking feeling it joey murdered ham and and was and i apologize joey if i'm misremembering this.

Joey's the first one to start handing out mushrooms to everyone. Yeah, that sounds like Joey. Why would you be misremembering that? I'm careful with the stories I tell about people these days. Oh, yeah. And so four in the morning, we're all in our bunks, and someone opens my curtain, and they're like, hey, the mushrooms didn't kick in well with Joey. It's time to pull a car over. And I shut my curtain and they're like, hey, the mushrooms didn't kick in well with Joey.

It's time to pull the car over. And I shut my curtain. I go, I am not the one dealing with Joey. So you guys were in the bus? In the bus. And Joey wanted to pull the bus over? We did pull the bus over. And we pulled the bus over.

He's laying out on the grass, staring at the sky. Wrong day, cocksucker. I'm not in this bus. He goes up to my bus driver, Ron. Wrong day, cocksucker. I'm not in this bus. He goes up to my bus driver, Ron. Wrong day, cocksucker. I'm not on this bus. I got to get the fuck out of here, Bert Kreischer. This isn't happening.

Give me a hotel room. So we pulled the bus over. We found him a hotel room, got him a hotel room, got him a ride to the venue the next day. How far was the venue from where you're driving? Joe, I could not tell you. I could not tell you. How many hours were you in a-

We usually drive six hours a night, four hours a night. So he pulls over in the middle of the drive and says, no, I'm on mushrooms. Get me a hotel room. Mushrooms in a bunk. And I think it was making a motion sick. Oh, Jesus Christ. And he's on mushrooms. And he's got a sleep apnea machine.

It's like he's in- You ever see that Chris Pratt movie where he sits in the time capsule and they go to space and his opens early? Yeah. Joey's opened early. I think the bus would be fun in between hotels. I do not think sleeping on the bus would be fun because sleep is very important. I value sleep. You're right.

I value restorative sleep. You're right. It's not good for sleep. Not good. And if you're doing a lot of shows and you're partying It's not good for sleep. Not good. And if you're doing a lot of shows and you're partying and you're not getting sleep, that's a recipe for disaster.

Ah, you'd love it, Joe Rogan. You'd love it. Nope. Joe. You and I are different things. It's kind of the same. Kind of in some way. We have so many similarities.

A lot of similarities, but we're different things in terms of how we take care of our physical vehicle. Yeah, I mean, you're trying to do it now. I am. I've always done it. I've done it since I was 15.

Do you take days off from working out? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I take a day off every now and then. I take a day off. Yeah. Sometimes. I just decide if I don't feel good But I know if I'm being a pussy, you know And one of the ways I know is how tired I get in the sauna, which is interesting

You know when I get really tired in the sauna. I know I heard her going on I don't get tired in this on I get like it I can feel it I can feel it going like I don't got much more in me. It's not tired, though. It's struggle, whatever it is. That's how I know. It's one of the ways that I know that I'm feeling bad, other than working out. When I'm working out, I can really tell. In the middle of COVID, my whole family had COVID.

My one daughter got it first, and then my wife got it, and then my second daughter got it. And I never got it. But I was working out, and they were saying, you're going to get it. You're going to get it. I didn't have a mask on. I was hugging them like, oh my God, daddy, stop hugging me. I have COVID. I was laughing. I'm like, I don't think I'm going to get it. But I went to work out and when I was working out, I was like, whoa, I feel my body fighting this. It was interesting because I work out so much. I was doing this uh i have this circuit that i do with kettlebells and i started the circuit and i do a warm-up where i

just warm up with uh 35 pound swings and i do 10 swings each arm then i do 10 clean and presses so i'm doing the 10 swings and i'm like what is going on i'm like what's happening here i'm like, what is going on? I'm like, what's happening here? I'm like, why do I feel like diminished? And then I realized like, oh, this is my immune system trying to fight this off. So this was probably like a Thursday or something like that and I had the whole weekend where I didn't have any podcast. So I was wondering, I was like, okay, when I get tested on Monday morning,

I wonder if I'm going to be positive. Like this is interesting. Never got it. Really? But I knew it was coming because of the way I felt working out. I was like, I knew it was on the back door, but then I got a bunch of vitamins. I did the vitamin IV drip. I did an NAD drip, and I never got COVID.

But that same feeling, if I get that now, I know I never push through it. Never push through it. Really? Yeah, because I know when I'm being a bitch and I know when something's wrong. And that was when I was doing the swings, I was like, something's wrong. Like you know your body like that. Yeah, I was like, something's off here. But it's because I take care of it.

That's it. And so when I get in the sauna, that's how I know if I'm run down. If I get in the sauna and I'm looking at my watch 15 minutes in, I'm like, fuck. Those last five are rough. That's when I know I'm worn out right now. Maybe we'd go real light today if I

work out. Maybe take it easy. I've had COVID, I think, six times. I thought you said seven today. I think seven. Isla says seven. I've had said seven today. I think seven. Isla says seven. I've had it every time you can get it. And I can tell you when I get it. I can tell you.

I mean, I should be a doctor now. I can tell you when I get COVID. I can tell you what it feels like. Well, don't you think some of that has to do with this schedule that you were just talking about? Like being on the tour bus, not getting good sleep, drinking all the time, traveling from city to city like that? Oh, yeah. It's entirely based on. So the last time I got COVID was when I taped my special.

And they were testing every day. And I could feel myself getting sick. But I wasn't partying. I didn't party. After Sober October, I didn't party up until my special. I gave myself my birthday weekend, right? But I didn't party up until I shot my special. So I wanted to. I know I look fat in the special,

but I look better than I look today. So I look good and I look jacked. I look fucking, a lot of people say I look jacked. And so they were testing up until the day of the special. And I remember saying to my assistant Pete, I was like, he thought he was getting sick. I go, hey man, if you got COVID, don't tell anyone. Fucking just fucking don't test.

Fucking stay away. Don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. I don't I want to make sure we get this special in the can right? especially now Yeah, I mean now Koba is like a cold fog get anyway So we shoot the special get it in the can the next day I get a private jet for everyone on my team to go home and I partied and I partied the night I shot my special after I shot it, I partied and I partied the next day on the private jet. And I came home and tested positive. The second that I woke up the next morning and I

tested positive and I knew I had COVID. I could feel it. It happens right here on the left side of my head. Every time it's like a headache on the left side of my head i feel it i feel run down and i got up to work out and i was like you're being a bitch work out and uh and then we got a text from my manager or my agent or someone who's like hey i tested positive this morning so everyone started testing not everyone tested positive victoria didn't test positive pete did pete didn't test positive but pete's a. He came up to me with a mask, did my test, and was like, here, I got COVID. Fuck him. You can know the difference between being a bitch and whether or not you're not feeling good

if you always hold yourself accountable. Well, I think you probably can. I can party pretty hard and then wake up and not want it. But you know the difference. You know what a hangover feels like. Not really. The first time I got COVID, I thought it was a hangover. First time I got COVID, I was like, I'm just really hungover. Well, you probably were.

And you had COVID. I was hungover. The first night, first time I ever got COVID, I had partied hard as fuck with my wife in Salt Lake City. What's this? Park City. We went this? Park City. Aspen. Park City.

We went skiing in Park City. Georgia got it. And Leanne. That was a super spreader location, Park City. In the early days of COVID, that was like one of the places where a bunch of people got COVID. I got it there. I think they traced it to like some clubs. They had some shows that they did.

You know, what is that thing that they do down there? Sundance. Sundance, yeah. Yeah, wherever all the fucking. Has it got lighter? Yeah. The first time I got COVID, I just thought it was a hangover. And I went skiing.

I went snowboarding. Me and my daughter went snowboarding. Georgia and Leanne had COVID. So we sent the tour bus to come get them in Park City and drive them home. And Isla and I stayed. We're like, we're going to fucking hang out. We're going to fucking hang out. We're going to just go snowboarding.

And so I woke up and I was like, God damn it, I'm hungover. Went snowboarding. Tested negative. Flew home. The second I got home, before the flight I tested, still negative. The second I got home, I was positive.

And I was like, God damn it. And then the next time I got COVID, I thought it was a hangover again. Tested positive. I mean, I think if I had your body and your mechanism where you're like, you don't really ever, you're really good at measuring your intake. Like last night, you didn't drink it. You had a glass of wine at dinner and that was it. Right? Yeah.

And, but I have to wake up with an accountability of going, you wanted to party, you got to work out. So every time I've had COVID, I've fucking worked out and been like pushing the gym. While you had COVID? Yeah. Wow. Sometimes that's not wise. I'm sure it's not. This idea that you're supposed to sweat it out, that's horseshit.

Tell that to Cam Haynes. Cam Haynes is the one. He got sick. I had to send a doctor to him. I sent the nurses to him when he got COVID. He ran fucking 10 miles every day and polar plunged. Yeah, while he had COVID. That's a motherfucker right there.

Yeah, don't do that. Can I tell you why I like Cam Haynes? Okay. His book that he wrote, did you listen to it? Of course I did. Am I being drunk right now? I'm in it. His book. I did the forward to it? Of course I did. Am I being drunk right now? I mean it. His book. I wrote,

I did the forward to it. His book is a self, it's a self-help book. It's a motivational book, but it's based on his own life experiences. Yeah. So you can tether yourself to his life experiences and go,

and I'm similar to that. That's what I liked about that book. His shit with his dad and his running stuff is I can understand that. And it was so cool. I listened to it on the beach on a jog. And I like self-help books like that, you know, where they're like, they tell you about their life and their struggles.

And they're not trying to pinpoint your weaknesses. They're letting you know about their weaknesses. I love that shit, man. The reason why I bring up you shouldn't work out while you're sick is because even for elite athletes, when they work out, when they get sick, they just get sicker. And that's what happened with Hamzat Shumayev. Hamzat Shumayev was one of the best fighters in the UFC. He got COVID and kept training and got really fucking sick.

For real? And was hospitalized, not just once, but multiple times. Hospitalized with COVID. Because he wouldn't stop training. Because he was a fucking animal. So he'd get a little bit better. And then he'd break his body down again. Like, COVID is a very strange disease.

And if you let it get deep into your body. Like, if you break yourself down. Like, it seems to have affected. I know quite a few people that got it really bad when they were drinking. Like they were really drunk and depleted and their immune system was crashed, which is oftentimes how people get sick. And then they got it really bad. But the people that worked out while they had it, man, they kept it for a long fucking time. And Hamza posted a photograph of his toilet where it's like blood splattered in the toilet because he was throwing up blood and and he was saying like he's gonna

have to retire from fighting because his lungs were fucked up from COVID so Leanne had long COVID and she got when the first time she got COVID I think she had COVID a couple times now the first time she got it she worked out the whole time she had it. Yeah, that's probably what gave her long COVID. And it probably broke her body down. It's like your body never has a chance to fully recover. You got to let your body get to 100%. You got to let you like your body struggling, right? And when you are exercising, what you're doing is you're taxing your body's resources so your body has to repair and improve and it repairs your cardiovascular system and your muscular system. You get stronger and you get healthier. But it's all about breaking down and rebuilding.

Well, when you're sick, you don't rebuild. You just break down further. So you're breaking down a system that's already taxed. You already feel like shit. You're like, oh, I just need to push myself in the gym. No, you need to fucking rest. You need to fucking rest. And if you don't do that, it'll just get deep into your system.

So then, so I'm curious about your actual motivations. So when you get up this morning, do you, you don't have a personal trainer, right? You don't have anyone that sets up a training program for you. No, I don't have one. So then do you go today as shoulders and you do shoulders? Yeah, I write things out. I have a whiteboard and I write out all the different workouts. So you make up your own workout.

Yeah. I have circuits that I do. So I have circuits that I repeat and then I either add weight or add repetitions or I'll add additional exercises to the circuit when I decide the circuit's too easy. Can you post those on Instagram from now on? I'd be curious to see those. I try not to make it too public because I think part of what I like to do is I like to do it by myself. I don't want to be – I mean, I've done it before.

Like I've talked about what I've done before. But I think there's something that's good about just doing it in silence. Doing it by yourself. Just struggling. Don't tell the whole world that you're doing this. I kind of do already. That's all I do. I know.

But for my head, it's better to not. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. For my head, it's better to just go through it. Just go through it. Because everything I do is so public already anyway. Like, it's better to not have that, which is like my medicine like that's my medicine and working out is my medicine that's my mental medicine for sure but you understand the value in knowing your medicine as an outsider I'm not advocating that you should post these for real

because if that's how it works for you it should work but i am curious is like uh i've done we like when we did the hundred push-ups a perfect example knowing knowing that that's the benchmark uh that it's an interesting to see how you like how hard you actually are pushing it because if i wrote my own workouts they'd be fucking cakewalks yeah they'd be fucking cakewalks i have. They'd be fucking cakewalks. I have someone else, Lacey Mackey, she's my trainer. She travels with us. She does my workouts, and sometimes I'll see them, I'll go, fuck that workout. That sucks.

I don't want to do that. Yeah. In December, we did, I'm going to misremember this, five squats, five burpees, and five pushups every day. And then we added five every day until we got to the end of the month, and we were doing 150 burpees, 150 push-ups, and 150 squats. And it was undoable. I mean, it was so fucking tough, especially if you missed a day, which we did,

and you were forced to do fucking three. At one point, I had 470 burpees left and i'm just going like fuck this workout but like it's curious i'm curious about like guys like you i say i say you david goggins and cam hans because those are like the guys i enjoy but like i'm like cam hans is pretty specific i do uh i do 12 miles every day at lunch, which is insane. It's fucking insane. Yeah. And then Polar Plunge and this. Do you know Jesse, I mispronounced his name, Jesse Seitzer? He lived with Cam Haynes.

He's- Itzler. Itzler. Jesse Itzler? No, no, no, no. He lived with David Goggins. My bad. Yeah.

He did something so fucking, for a for a runner so powerful is that he's talking about getting back into running because he had taken some time off he had an injury he said what I like to do I'm misremembering I'm sure but like I do two minutes of running and then five minutes of walking two minutes running and five to get back into running yeah so fucking useful as an outsider looking in because I go, oh shit, you know, I gained some weight on this last tour and I'm trying to get back. And I go, that's really interesting. This morning on the treadmill, I did him.

That's good. That's a good way to do it. Doing anything is good. What I do. Even your process. Even your process of how you come up with what your workout will be is fascinating to me because I know you kill it in the gym. I treat myself like I'm my own personal trainer.

That's what I do. I treat myself like I'm a different person. I don't look at me as like what I want to do. I look at me like a person I'm telling to do things. Like I'm the boss of me. I don't do that. Yeah, well, it's okay. You don't have to do that. This morning I was me I don't do that yeah well it's okay you don't have to do that this morning I have to do that

you understand I'm a crazy person like I've realized I'm a crazy person so I've figured out how to not be crazy like I don't want to be crazy I want to be nice so what's the best way for me to be nice I go crazy in the gym you've worked out with me before when I work out I go fucking hard you try to

have a heart attack I go fucking hard. You try to have a hard attack. I go fucking hard so that for the rest of the day, I'm cool as a cucumber. I'm relaxed and friendly and nice, and I get those demons out. My litmus for health has always been 225 bench press. Do you remember when we all did that? Yes. The three of us got pinned, and you did like fucking 15. Yeah.

And then you were like, I think I might rip my pack. Let's go do a podcast. I was joking. I think I might rip my pack. Let's go do a podcast. I was joking. I didn't really rip my pack. But like that's- I hadn't done any benching. That's the funny thing. Like I don't do-

I don't bench. No. Oh, I bet. It's my favorite thing in the world. No. That's all from kettlebells. So you just kettlebells? Yeah.

I do pushups and I do dips and I do chin-ups and I do pull-ups with the- I do those L pull-ups where I grab the bars like this and I keep my legs extended in front of me and I do them like this. Like that. So it's like pull-ups and an ab. It's like a back and ab exercise. Arm, backs, and abs all at the same time. I've seen brothers do it in the hood on like stop signs. Oh, it's such a good thing for you. Yeah.

Those L chin-ups. But I don't do any bench pressing. Are you still running? No, no, no. I stopped that. I fucked my knee up. Really? Yeah, I've hurt my left knee a couple of times now.

I tore my MCL, and then I kept training with this torn MCL, and it got pretty bad to the point where I would do Muay Thai, and it would swell up, and I was like, God damn it. And so then I got a bunch of stem cells in it and I haven't done any running and I haven't done any Muay Thai in like almost a year where I'm just trying to fix it. And it's 90 something percent now. It doesn't bother me at all when I do squats or I did all the knees over toes stuff. But the problem is, you know, I'm a meathead. And when I start working out, especially when I start hitting the bag, because it's so much torque on your knees and it puts a lot of stress on your tendons. If you have a weakened tendon

that you're healing and then you kick really hard, it's like, it just never heals. It would like get better. And then I'd fuck it up again They would be sore for a few days, and then it just I just never let it get better, so I decided okay Obviously there's a real issue here. Let's keep getting stem cells in it Let's keep rehabilitating it and get it to the point where you could fucking Fully trust it before you start kicking the shit out of a heavy bag. It's hard to know though I did I had the surgery on my elbow. And there was a period.

It wasn't until recently that I don't think about it at all now. But there was a long time where I had a hard time doing anything with my arm. How long? Like a year? Honestly, until we did push-ups. Yeah. The push-ups. Helped it, probably.

All that blood flow. Helped it a lot. And I haven't let go of the push-ups. I'm still doing 100 a day, roughly. Nice's huge squats too squats mark norman yeah we get we did a little we were when we were in that's a super bowl me mark and shane we're with all pro athletes right everyone's thick with pro athletes fucking the the fucking savages and i was like i was with i think gabe davis shane g. Gabe Davis is a big wide receiver from Buffalo Bills, and they said, how many push-ups do you think you can do?

I go 50, and they're like, bullshit. You can't do 10. You know me and my head, how my brain works. I go, all right, bitches. 45, I tapped out, and then Mark Norman, this little fucking cunt, he goes, I bet I can do 50. Everyone's like, there's no fucking way mark norman bangs out 57 and doesn't even get tired wow and then pulls me aside then and i use

cheat code i do 50 every morning because i do 50 squats 50 push-ups i do i try to keep them active it's a good thing to do and like the way we were doing it 100 every day you don't realize it till the end of like the month, but your body changes. Yeah. Your shoulders change. Your triceps change. My arms got thicker. I felt clothes felt different.

I've gained an inch on my arm. I do measurements. For weight loss, I do measurements mostly. So I go around the belly button. Right now, I'm 47. My arms gained an inch after that month. Today, where they are today today they were 17 when i started i measured myself my arms are 18 inches around now 18 inch python that's dude 18 inch

pythons all i want is someone to watch a special and go he looks jacked well one person's gonna do that please something like super slob i was gonna wear those pants on my special why didn't you a little distracting, Joe. They're kind of cool. They're badass. That wouldn't be distracting. They would be really distracting. Nah.

The only thing I do, the only thing I do. Are those sequins? They are velvet pants. They're velvet. But the pattern is so interesting. Oh, maybe they are sequins. See, there's a clear pattern in that. You don't even remember whether they're sequins.

How long ago did you take this picture? Who knows? That's a lot of shit I don't care about. You'd be shocked. Isn't that important, though? Compartmentalizing? Yeah, I don't care about that. It's very important to not care about certain things.

That's how I feel about the banks right now. That's how I feel definitely about the banks. That's how I feel about politics. That's how I feel about COVID. That's how I feel about the banks right now. That's how I feel definitely about the banks. That's how I feel about politics. That's how I feel about COVID. Yeah. That's how I feel about the Alex Jones shit. Like, I don't really care about, like, I know that he got in trouble, but I don't really care.

I thought he was, I still think he makes me go there now and then. Like, I don't care about a lot of shit. Well, you don't have to. So Donnell said, because you're white. Donnell goes, yeah, you know why you don't care? I go, why? He goes, because you're white and you don't have to. It doesn't change your life. I went, yeah, you're white. Donnell goes, yeah, you know why you don't care? I go, why? He goes, because you're white and you don't have to. It doesn't change your life.

I went, yeah, you're right. I get bummed when you go to a city and they don't sell beer on a Sunday. And you're like, what the fuck happened to this city? We need to make change. Yeah. Make the city great again. Yeah. Sell beer on Sunday.

Fucking. Boston used to do that. Yeah. They used to have to go to New Hampshire. We used to go to the package store. That's what they used to call it. We used to have to go to New Hampshire We used to go to the package store That's what they used to call it We had to make a packy run You gotta go to the fucking packy

That's what they would call the liquor store The package store That's like ancient colonial talk Like think about that That's pilgrim talk Gotta go to the package store That does sound crazy That's what we called it the packy When I was a kid Gotta go to the package store. The package store. That does sound crazy. That's what we called it.

The packy. When I was a kid. Yeah. Got to go to the fucking packy. We would have to drive just 30 minutes outside in Tallahassee. You could get beer after two in the morning. Only 30 minutes? Yeah.

We had to go to New Hampshire. Fuck. I'm going to drive to New Hampshire. I couldn't even tell you where New Hampshire was on a map. It's right above Massachusetts. So we would drive. And you have to drive on this bullshit road where it's like two lanes. So if somebody breaks down, you're fucked.

These lanes suck. And people drive slow. They're all terrified of cops. So you drive up to New Hampshire to go buy booze. I can't believe I never got a DUI. You're lucky. I never. I can't believe I never got a DUI. You're lucky. I never, well, I don't drink and drive. I just, I don't drive.

That's how you don't get a DUI. I don't drive. Exactly, specifically. I'm not a big driver. I got pulled over once when I wasn't drunk. I dropped my phone in between my legs. I was in my car and I was driving and I don't remember if someone called me or something, but I was on the phone and I dropped the phone between my legs and I was like, fuck.

And it like went under the seat. So I had to like do this thing where you're in there and I moved over and it was like late at night. So there was no one on the road, but I moved over and did that thing and then picked up the phone and actually you know the lights were behind me and so uh i got pulled over and i had to do the all the drunk test i told them like i'm not drunk like did you ever drink and i was honest i said yeah i had a drink before i went on stage like three hours ago so i did all the thing all the stupid shit this is interesting it's like they're trying to check me to see but i know i'm

sober i'm like come on come on you know i'm this is interesting. It's like they're trying to check me to see, but I know I'm sober. I'm like, come on. Come on, you know I'm sober. But it was interesting because they make you do all the stuff and I did it all perfectly. You know, like the balance stuff and everything. I was like, okay, can I go? And they're like, all right.

And they let me go. We did a, when we went to Canada for the first time, you're not allowed to bring drugs into Canada, obviously. Did you bring drugs into Canada? I brought a little bit of drugs into Canada. What'd you bring? Just weed, a one-hitter.

I brought a glass one-hitter. Where was it? I had it with me because it was the first time on a tour bus. Did they have a dog? No. So I said, what I'm going to do, Leanne was with me, so it was Hazer's Trejo. And I said, it's my first time on a tour bus. I'm going to have a cocktail. I'm going to do, Leanne was with me, so it was Hazer's Trejo, and I said,

I'm going to, it's my first time on a tour bus. I'm going to have a cocktail. I'm going to smoke this one hitter. I'm going to enjoy the tour bus. All of a sudden, the doors open, and they're like, we're at Borders, and I hadn't hit my one hitter, so I fucking panicked. I run back to the bathroom. It's a brand new tour bus. I've never been in a tour bus.

I don't know how lights work. I don't know how anything works. I just know I've got to clean out this one hitter. You've got to clean it out by smoking weed while you're at the border? I got to empty it and throw it in the garbage. I got to get rid of it. I got to flush it. Right.

Drop the glass one hitter, it shatters. Okay. I scramble. I can't figure out how to get the lights on. I get the weed. I put it in the toilet. I fucking, literally doors are opening and they're like, hey, border patrol, we're here to search the bus. I was like, oh yeah,. And they're like, hey, border patrol, we're here to search the bus.

I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, sure, sure, sure. The one thing Leanne said was, do not bring drugs into fucking Canada. So we go into the holding thing and we're there for like an hour and a half at two in the fucking morning. Hour and a half we're waiting and I'm like, I'm fucking busted. And the guy comes in and he goes, you guys are all good. And I was like, oh, thank God. So as we're walking to the bus, I'm still a little buzzed and I'm feeling loose. And I go, hey, man, just out of curiosity, like what would have happened if we had brought drugs into Canada?

And he goes, you mean hypothetically, like say someone had a glass one hitter in their bathroom, shattered it, tried to throw it in the toilet and didn't flush it? And immediately everyone looks at me and I'm like, yeah, like that. And he'd go, I'd say it's an honor meeting the machine. Enjoy your tour in Canada. I went, and Lee, I got on the bus. She goes, you fucking cocksucker. You brought drugs.

I was like, yeah, I brought drugs. Little bit of drugs. Little bit of drugs should be like a, that should be the, you know, where you go. A little bit. Yeah, like a Brittany Griner. They should have a Brittany Griner, a mouth that you can the, you know, where you go. A little bit. Yeah. Like a Brittany Griner. They should have a Brittany Griner amount that you can bring a vape pen. Come on.

You're not selling a vape pen. Wasn't hers just CBD too? No, I don't know. Was it actually weed? I'm certain it was. Who knows if it actually even happened. They might have just planted that on her. We were going to go to Russia to promote the movie.

Yeah, promote the movie. Why not? Are you kidding me? Okay. Okay. You sound like Sony right now. So what if I get arrested? They're not going to send someone for you.

Look at me. How could the movie do? You're not a six and a half foot tall lesbian that is the star of the WNBA. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Hang on. Let's work this out. Would you? I bet.

But there's a Marine that's in jail over there. And they had the option to release him or release Brittany Griner. And they released Brittany Griner. For real? Yeah. Wait, what did the Marine do? Weed? No. Griner and they released Brittany Griner For real? Yeah Wait what did the Marine do weed? No

Some sort of classified information He had Would you try to get me out? Of course I would I forget what the actual charge was See if you can find that But he was doing something Trying to sneak out classified information from Russia.

That's what he's like. A little different than a vape pen. Yeah, it is. But they're both in jail. Yeah. And they offered this arms dealer, this arms dealer that we traded for Brittany Greiner. Yeah. They offered the arms dealer for the Marine guy.

Oh, for real? Yeah. And they said no. Yeah. Oh, wow. That's this goofy administration that we're dealing with right here. Oh, yeah. Both of them should

be saved talks continue on exchange of u.s ex-marine held in russia so this is december 8th 2023 2022 rather sorry duh duh um so this was a while ago you know putin's gotta listen to your podcast right i hope so hey what's up, bro? He'd be, I guarantee you, all you have to do is- Guy's got solid judo. Does he? Yep. Yeah, praise him on his judo.

He's got legit judo. He's a judo black belt. If he wanted to fly you over, would you- Nay. Wait, what's wrong with your brain? I would love that. Why would you do that? I would love it.

Because if anything, do you know the story about Robert Kraft in the football, in the Super Bowl ring? Where he took his ring and put it on and then kept it? Yeah. Gangster. So he could kill someone with his ring. I'd lose this watch in a heartbeat. And he just walks away. Yeah, you would lose that watch in a heartbeat, but no one cares about a watch. He can get a watch, but he can't get a Super Bowl ring. So he just took the Super Bowl ring.

Dude, that's a different kind of human. He's probably one of, if not the richest man in the world. And, you know, the fact that he just did that to that dude and just walked off with that ring. But what about the prospect of you hanging out with Putin and turn him into a cooler dude? I am out of your fucking mind. Yeah, hey, forget about all those people that you killed that were your political opponents. Let's be cool now.

Just be a different person now. Be a totally different human with a totally different background that wasn't in the KGB. That isn't a dictator. That doesn't control information and control what news gets distributed to your people. That doesn't have a lockdown on the internet and is in complete control of all the oligarchs in your country to the point where they're so embedded with you that when you go to war with Ukraine, they steal the oligarchs' yachts because they confiscate them because they shouldn't have the money that they have because the only way they can have the money they have is if they're in cahoots with you and you're obviously evil. You're never going to get an invite talking this way. Yeah, it's not my gig. You don't care about any of that shit, though.

I still want to meet Kim Jong-un. Whoa. Yeah. I want to, that's, I would be, shit like that interests me. What interests me is Trump meeting him. That was interesting. Met Kim Jong-un?

After he called him a little rocket man, he goes to meet him. Shakes his hand. They're all smiling. Yeah, it's, that's an awful game. You're meeting dictators. I mean, if you're the president of the United States like Trump, but you're trying to make foreign relationships better,

you're supposed to do that. It's good. Oh, wow. Look at that look in his good. Oh, wow. Look at that. Look at his face. Those two haircuts. It's also the fucking mocking glare that Trump gives everyone. Because it's like with Trump, when Trump's talking to someone, it's always like, be nice or I'm going to talk shit.

No matter what, it's like, I may talk shit. Like, well, let's get through this. Let's make have an agreement Hey nice to meet you, too. Don't say nothing or I'll talk shit Like even the way this this smug like look on his face while he's shaking hands with the guy all right all right What a fucking character. This is a adjacent Conversation look at that. That's the border. Oh, that's where they met? That's the line. Right at the parallel? That's the fucking line. Imagine the guy that installed those grates. That's two different companies.

Obviously, not one company installed both those grates. I know, right? It has to be. But what about the building? How the fuck is there one building that crosses both lines? Who built that building? Who built that fucking building? Did they meet in the middle? The whole North Korea thing is wild

When I had you owned me park on and she explained how she got out of North Korea when she was 13 How she escaped and went to China and like wow? One of those stories you're like, holy shit. She's talking about how people are starving in North Korea Those are the kind of people that don't hear nothing hear nothing about all this Marxism and woke communist bullshit. They don't want to hear nothing about that because they know this is where this goes. What they said to all those people there, they said, we can all have food. If everyone just gives up their land, all these people that own land, they're the problem. We give up the land, then we'll all have the land. And the moment they did that, the moment people agreed to that, everybody's starving. Then the government controls the moment they did that the moment people agreed to that

Everybody's starving then the government controls the food distribution and if you try to take more in your share you get killed. It's Horrific shit what they did horrific shit, but it all was under the guise of making a more equitable society Making a more fair and just world like why should these rich people have these farms? Why should these rich people? We should give it to the state. And then all of a sudden the state is in control and everybody's starving. People are eating bugs just trying to stay alive. Yeah, I didn't watch that episode. It's rough.

But that's the problem with, like, shaking hands with a dictator. Like, what are you doing? What's the difference? I mean, arguably, obviously I know I'm going to get lit up for saying this, but what's the difference between shaking hands with our president? It's a big difference. The way this country is run, it's not perfect. But the way this country is run is so fucking superior to any system that is anywhere else in the world because of the checks and balances that were put in place by the founding fathers. They knew that tyranny is a natural course of progression for human nature.

It's just what people do when they get in control. They become dictators and they put all these checks and balances in the House and the Senate and they did it all, the electoral college, to make sure that this term limits. Make sure that you can't do that. Make sure you can't do what Putin's doing. Make sure you can't do what Kim Jong-un's doing. Because when you get into a position like that, just look at what they try to do.

Look at what people try to do to stop criticism on Twitter. They fucking send the FBI to Twitter to try to remove people from Twitter because they're saying things that interferes with the way they govern. All that shit is natural. And the founding fathers of this country were the only people that put together a system to

mitigate that. And over time these fucking cunts and these corrupt shitheads have done an amazing job of trying to chip away at that or convince people that it should be chipped away at and convince people that freedom's not important. What's important is equity and inclusiveness and diversity and no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no. That is a fucking, that's a sheep costume that the wolf wears and the wolf is control. The wolf is control over people and forcing people to bend to your ideological will, whether it's the will of the people on the right or the will of the people on the left. That's what it comes in. It comes in the form of like equity and inclusiveness. We're going to make things fair. I think you're saying the same thing almost, right? Because it's kind of – it's almost like McCarthyism, like where they start saying this is how it works.

You can't question – Yeah, whatever it is, anything. Climate change. It's happening there too almost, right it is, anything. Climate change. It's happening there too almost, right? It's happening on both places. Well, it's a natural thing that people do. They don't want people questioning things because they don't... Just like you don't want someone to ask you, who's Freddie Gibbs?

Like, I don't... Nobody, forget it. That's what it's like. It's like they don't want to deal with all the different things that you have to deal with when you're debating something you want to be proven Correct, so what's the best way to do it just silence that person shut the fuck up Yeah, take them off Twitter ban him lock them up put him in jail, but give him house arrest You know sue him find a way to stop it and that's what people do. It's a natural thing that people do Yeah, it's I mean it sounds like it it sounds to me like it happens everywhere Find a way to stop it. And that's what people do. It's a natural thing that people do. Yeah.

I mean, it sounds to me like it happens everywhere. It sort of happens everywhere, but here is the best version of it. This is the best version of it. This is the most free version of it in the world. We're kind of doing it to ourselves a little bit. But we aren't also because you and I are on a fucking podcast right now that millions of people are listening to, and we're not being censored at all. So this exists here uniquely. you have to understand that this ability to broadcast to millions of people without any censorship without any no oversight there's no one leaning

over our shoulder that's unprecedented it's gonna sound super naive there are no russian podcasts of course there are but i'm sure they're censored. Like if you're a Russian and you talk shit about the government, you're fucked. You know what they did with Pussy Riot? They put Pussy Riot in fucking jail for talking badly about the government. I know Pussy Riot got in jail, but I didn't know. Yeah, if you are a political dissenter in Russia, like an aggressive political dissenter, your life is in danger. For real?

Yeah, for real. Yeah, yeah. If you become a problem over there, your life's in danger. Yeah. I mean, all I know is— Russia is nearly isolated online. What does that mean for the Internet's future? Concerns about the emergence of splinter debt, a balkanization of the web have been gaining momentum.

The war in Ukraine threatens to make them a reality. Soization of the web have been gaining momentum. The war in Ukraine threatens to make them a reality. So that's what you have to recognize. Like Russia does not have access to like, unless they're using some sort of a portal to get out, they're using a VPN or something where they're allowed. And even that's dangerous because they catch you using a VPN, you're fucked. But they have no access to like all the stuff that we read they have no access to wall street journal articles they have no access to like all the things that we they have access to russian state sponsored internet this is i'm must be the most naive person in the world is is our government controlling our internet no and but they want to they would like to

But you know 4chan 4chan tells it exists if the government's controlling it, you know Reddit doesn't exist if those guys don't have read it and what our government is doing though for sure Well, they admit or not they have a bunch of people that are hired to post and say things that go along with their narrative and aggressively argue and try to shame and attack people that go against the narrative, whatever that narrative is, whether it's climate change or COVID lockdowns or the war in Ukraine or whatever the narrative is the government's pushing, for sure, just like they have over in Russia, they have those troll farms where they make fake Facebook pages and attack people.

For sure, our government does that. There's not a chance in hell they don't. Not a chance in hell they would not utilize that resource for propaganda. We created it, right? I mean, that's how we would- The internet? No, we created overthrowing governments and creating dialogues. Well, I mean, people have been doing that since the beginning of time, but for sure we have been involved in regime change wars Forever forever. I mean that is literally Smedley Butler's 1933 story that he wrote article he wrote war is a racket

You ever read that? War is a racket this guy this guy Smedley Butler, who's a general, who's this decorated war hero, who realized at the end of his career that the whole thing that he thought he was doing was bullshit. And that war was just, pull it up, because it's worth revisiting every year and a half or two years. Smedley Racket? Smedley Butler. It's called Smedley Racket. War is a racket. 1935, a short book. Smedley Racket? he was doing where he thought he was like making the world safe and, you know, stopping tyrants and, you know, being just, that he was really making things safe for bankers

and for people that were trying to acquire natural resources. Put that back up, please. Just right where you were. War is a racket. It always has been. It is possibly the oldest, easily the most profitable surely the most vicious it is the only one international in scope it is the only one in which the profits are reckoned in dollars and the losses in lives a racket is best described i believe as something

that is not what it seems to the majority of people, to the majority of the people. Only a small inside group knows what it is about. It is conducted for the benefit of the very few at the expense of the very many. Out of war, a few people make huge fortunes. Butler confesses that during his decades of service in the United States Marine Corps, he goes, I helped make Mexico, especially Tampico, safe for American oil interests in 1914. I helped make Haiti and Cuba a decent place for the national city bank boys to collect revenues in. I helped in the raping of a half a dozen Central American republics for the benefit of Wall Street. The record of racketeering is long.

I helped purify Nicaragua for the International Banking House of the Brown Brothers in 1909 to 1912. Where have I heard that name before? I brought to light the Dominican Republic for American Sugar interests in 1916. In China, I helped see to it that standard oil went its way unmolested. So these are all things at the very beginning of the 20th century that he's discussing that most of us aren't even aware of anymore that our government did in order to secure money and to secure national resources, natural resources to make things safe for bankers.

And it's like, we've been doing it this way forever. It's, I mean, it's the rub. It's the rub. It's like, it's the fucking whole thing with the vaccine. It's the rub. I mean, it... It's money. Yeah. you're i mean it it's money yeah they they're willing to do things for money that cost lives and the people that are making the money don't experience the loss because not losing their lives and they've been doing it that way for

fucking ever forever and every now and again we forget forget. And we get naive. And we're like, they wouldn't fuck us again. And then they fuck you again. The fact that people believed in the pharmaceutical companies is wild. Wild. They're the people with the biggest criminal fines in history. Criminal fines where people die. Like, if you get a criminal fine, like, say if you make pants, and the pants, they fucking fall apart, and they go, oh, you knew these pants were going to fall apart.

We're going to hit you with a criminal fine. It's okay. It's no big deal. It's just pants. They have criminal fines are for drugs that kill you. Things where they knew you were going to, like Vioxx, where they knew people were going to have strokes. And they still... I don't know what Vioxx where they knew people were going to have strokes and they still I don't know what Vioxx is. It was a

anti-inflammatory medication that killed 50,000 plus people they were fined I believe they were fined 5 billion dollars off of 12 billion dollars that they made off of the drug so they made money so they get a big fat fine and everyone's like well

we fined them yeah but how much did they make they made more money than you find them? This is what so you allow them to profit off of people dying and it's a just Fucking shell game and they move money around they they pay off politicians and you see people Talk shit in Congress and you know, they're bought paid for. And it's like the whole thing is wild. It's Medley Butler all over again. It's been like that from the beginning of time. It says it's because of Fukushima, but I was looking up the largest fines, and it's $95 billion in damages in Tokyo.

Yeah, that's a big one. Is that the earthquake or the tsunami? That's a big one. Oh, yeah, that was a tsunami. The largest one. Wow. $2 that's a big one. Is that the earthquake or the tsunami? That's a big one. Oh, yeah, that was a tsunami. Yeah. Wow. 2.3 bill. So Pfizer's a big one.

2.3 billion in criminal and civil fines. The largest in recent pharmaceutical history. That BP one was pretty big, too. 2.3 billion. See, but the BP's, these are disasters, right? These are like accidental things. It's not a side effect of a drug they release but here's the here's the where I get hung up okay a little bit

is like uh I don't know fuck it I don't care oh we gave up I gave up I gave up I'm not going to Russia yeah don't go to Russia pleased I was I thought it would be a fun they would fucking 100% put you in jail. You think yeah, why wouldn't they 35 fuck him put him in jail Wow Dieselgate VW's emission scandals cost the car. I think that okay criminal and civil fines. Yeah, I Don't what does it cost them already? That's wild. Well, it probably also, to date, wow, to date VW has paid $34.9 billion in criminal and civil fines. So they paid it so far. And that was about lying about how much emissions they produced, right? Yeah.

So they fucked with their emissions. Who would have thought that the Nazis would just lie? They're not Nazis. But I mean, you know. I thought you were talking about the real Nazis. Well, the VW was started by the Nazis.

Oh, was it? Oh, yeah. It's a people's fucking wagon. Facebook's paid out five billion in penalties for privacy violations. Whoopsies. Sorry.

Whoopsies. How much did they make? They could pay off five billion. What about this? I feel like I'm going to put it in very small terms. Okay. Do you remember the comic

that would tell you you got to check your numbers or they're're gonna fuck you on the bonuses. Oh A lot of people tell you that yeah, and then sometimes you go Yeah, but I'm not gonna be the guy that sits there and looks at every fucking table. Oh, I have I have when I knew that Someone was fucking me. This is one guy that someone told me to look out for and then he did it to me He tried to tell me that uh he gave away comps like what are you talking about like we have a contract he goes well what do you want to do about the comps i go give me the fucking money like what are you talking about you didn't pay

comps you fucking liar give me the money you've been doing this to everybody like he he would do it to everybody we'd tell you like you didn't really sell out and you'd be like there's not an empty seat in this place no it just looks just looks like that. He looked you straight in the eye. And then he did that to me one time, and then I came back a year later. This time I sold it out way in advance. And when I sold it out, like in advance,

before I got to the club, everything was sold out. He tried to tell me he gave away 150 comps a show. I was like, what are you talking about? Like, we were like looking at each other where I knew he was lying

Like I'm you know when you make an eye contact with someone and you know They're trying to fuck you over and they know that you know, but the words keep coming out of their mouth Yeah, and then I just go give me the fucking money And then he just cuts the check and I never worked for him again, and I told everybody I'm like fuck you man Like you're a thief. You're just a thief pretending to be doing business this is thievery you're lying like we have a deal and you're trying to make more money than you deserve because you're a cunt uh i agree my point i was trying to make was a little bit off to the adjacent to that But like yes for you to say that I listened to it, but how many comics do you know that have said? Yeah, they fuck you on your bonuses, and I go yeah, but you don't sell out. Yeah, that's a problem

So that's my problem with everything I learned like I listen to you and Russell Brand and it was man It was a lot it was a lot Russell's amazing he's it was so much that I was like, I'd listen to him in chunks. People think he's on Fast Forward. He talks so fast. People think he's on Fast Forward. He doesn't even do drugs. He's so good.

He's amazing. He was great on Bill Maher, too. Did you see him on Bill Maher? Of course. When he's going after with that CNBC guy. Hilarious. I go- Or MSNBC.

I would love for him to come into an argument with me and my wife and take my side. And then go, Russell's going to speak for me. I've been drinking. He knows how to do it with humor. He's really great. Yeah. But there are so many. The problem is with everything going on in the world right now, there are so many narratives,

so many people. And I take it back to the comics and the club going, you get fucked on bonuses. Yeah. You hear that from so many people that you know that are selling tickets, that if I hear from you, that's one thing. Most of the time, you don't get fucked on bonuses. Most of You hear that from so many people that you know that are selling tickets, that if I hear from you, that's one thing. Most of the time, you don't get fucked on bonuses. Most of the time, you don't. That's why the reason why it's so upsetting when someone tries to rip you off is because

it's so cliche in Hollywood, in show business, but it's so rare. So when someone, like, this guy had done it to someone else, then Stan Hope had warned me about it, and then Dom Irera had warned me about it. I think I know the club. Yeah, I bet you know the club. But it's like, you know, now everybody knows you fucking cunt. Yeah. It's the power of talking behind people's back.

Yeah. Well, it's also the power of, you know, we're honest with each other. You know, and like you want to know, like, where's a good place to work? Oh, you know, Acme is great, and like work at this place. The comedy works in Denver. You know, everybody talks about's a good place to work? Oh, you know, Acme is great. And like work at this place. The comedy works in Denver. You know, everybody talks about the good spots and how fun it is. But we also talk about someone who's, you know, there's people that are thieves, man. They're just, they're trying to lie and swindle.

I mean, you hear about it all the time in the news. There's always someone getting fucked because someone lied about something and stealing money. And, you know, I had this CoffeeZilla guy on. Do you know who he is? The internet guy? He's a great guy. He's got a YouTube show. He mostly busts people with scams. He's

busts people with crypto scams and explains how they're doing this and how they're fucking people over. It's fascinating how much of that stuff is going on? Fascinating I look at it like I never understood the whole crypto fucking Dinah Whatever the fuck the ntf stuff was nfts nfts, and then you watch it go south Yeah, and then part of me goes off. Thank God. I didn't try to understand that yeah

But now it seems like regular money's going south like what did you find, what's going on? Yeah. Are we poor? Are we fucked? Do I need to buy gold? How many bullets am I going to need? I don't understand still what's happening. It's the 22s that you need. How many... I've been hearing there has been a... It was like the regulators are making a statement about crypto is what I've heard is like maybe

the underlying issue. What's going on? Oh, they're blaming crypto. They're blaming. They're tanking the banks to blame crypto to keep people in a 15 minute radius of their house. Keep you on a social credit score system. We're fucked.

But because of this, crypto has gone up. It like went up 15% today almost. Right. Because nobody trusts regular money anymore. Fuck crypto. It's all gross. I should have listened to Red Band back in the day. We should just buy gold.

Really? Yeah. I don't know. 22 bullets. Rifle. A 22 rifle. Those bullets are the most valuable thing. Why?

Because 22 is the most valuable. Like a rifle, 22 rifle is the most valuable thing you can have. What? It's good for hunting. What? Little small things. Yeah, but why do you want to hunt small things? I don't know.

You want to shoot a big thing, so you only have to eat one thing a week. This is an example of me regurgitating a conversation I heard in New Orleans. Yeah, those people in New Orleans need to shut the fuck up. Whoever told you that doesn't really hunt. They said 22 bullets. See if you can find that, Jamie. There's got to be truth to this. I know I heard this. Well, you could

shoot squirrels and rabbits and stuff. No, but 22 rifle bullets are the hardest thing to get in an apocalypse. Okay. Maybe because they don't make that many of them. But you don't want a 22. Like, you want a more versatile round. You know? A rifle.

You want something that can kill everything. Yeah. You want something that can kill a moose and a deer and a fucking groundhog. Like, whatever the fuck you want something that can kill everything yeah you want something that can kill a moose and a deer and a fucking groundhog like whatever the fuck you want to shoot but you can't kill a groundhog with the same thing

you kill a moose with you'll destroy it you certainly can no for real you certainly can yeah you headshot them

and their heads explode boom yeah there's a video of Brock Lesnar shooting I think it's groundhogs prairie dogs he's shooting because prairie dogs dig holes Brock Lesnar shooting I think it's groundhogs Prairie dogs he's shooting because the prairie dogs dig holes But he's not how to step on them and they snap their legs and horses step in them break their legs

And so like when they have them on ranches they kill them and they're shooting with a.50 caliber Hmm, which is like is that's around? It's like a you get a car cushion from a 50 yeah They're ridiculous. I've shocked 50 caliber rifles and then had panic attacks in my bed later They fucking can't cuss you yeah the boom is so scary boom and you shakes your whole body Yeah, your fillings are loose, and you're just like I'm not and then you you reek of gunpowder And then you reek of gunpowder. Yeah, it's not good.

You don't need that. You don't want to hunt squirrels with a.50 caliber. But a.300 Win Mag is a good, versatile round. You can shoot deer with it. You can shoot a moose with it. You want a lot of those. You want versatile bullets. If the shit goes down, you don't want just.22s.

Because if you shoot a deer with a 22 you're probably gonna wound it That's probably gonna run away and you're probably never gonna find it It might run miles and miles before you get to it before it dies really you might not ever find it and it might not bleed a lot so you and Blood trailing is very difficult like you have to know what to look for you have to know how to do it It's not easy to trail an animal. I'll never blood trail anything Never blood trail anything. I'd be shocked if i ever killed anything other than fish fish are easy they don't even take care of their kids they just come they come on eggs and the kids just run away and get eaten nobody cares about fish you can hold up a dead fish no one cares try hold up a dead deer

people will freak out at you yeah you know hold up the paw up a dead fish. No one cares. Try to hold up a dead deer. People will fucking freak out at you. You know, hold up the paw of a dead bear you shot. People go nuts. Is that the thing? Oh, yeah. People love bears. They're so stupid. They think the bear is like Smokey the bear.

Why did you kill Boo Boo? Why did you kill Yogi? It's a fucking predator that you can eat. Colin Quinn used to have a joke about it. he goes, everyone's trying to save the polar bears. Save the polar bears. Let me tell you something, ladies and gentlemen, if a polar bear walked in this room right now, you'd be throwing chairs at it.

It's true. And it wouldn't help. They'd run right through you. They're terrifying. Have you ever seen that video where there's a journalist who gets inside of a box in the Arctic and the polar bear is trying to get to him it's a giant plexiglass box that they built just for this just to show how predatory polar bears are polar bears are the most predatory of all bears because they're the only

bear that doesn't eat any grass doesn't eat any vegetables no that didn thing drive? No, no. It's just a big steel box with cameras on it where the bear can smell this guy. So the bear walks up to this dude and realizes that there's some sort of a life form in there. It's got information before it approaches, like it would when stalking a seal. My scent is strongest at the weakest point, the door. Oh, shit. Yeah, that door's not good. Okay weakest point, the door. Oh, shit. Yeah, that bear, if it got to that guy, would just tear him apart. No ifs, ands, or buts would definitely 100% eat him. That's the difference between a polar bear and a grizzly bear,

or a polar bear and a brown bear, or a polar bear and a grizzly bear or a polar bear and a brown bear or a polar bear and a black bear. When grizzlies see you, they might not want to have anything to do with you. A polar bear sees you. It's like, oh, I'll eat you. You're a living thing. Yeah, look at its mouth. What's trying to bite?

Look at that. Fuck all that. Fuck all that. Because they live in the harshest climate. They have to be the most aggressive. I've swam with great white sharks a bunch. A bunch? A bunch, yeah.

And I've done so much shit that I don't remember. Like I remember hearing a podcast you did with a guy and he was like, he did it so well. He was like, I lived, I stayed in the biggest cave in the world And I was like, what's this and then I realized I've been there too. Yeah, I've been there. Yeah Well, we need to that Travel Channel. Yeah, I did so much shit that I don't remember Yeah, but like I swam I swam out of the cage of great white sharks I swam in the cage of great white sharks and man, I'll tell you there's a moment where you go How do they know this has been tested?

Right, they don't. You're in a cage. Did you see that one that broke recently? Yeah, I did. Someone builds it and then you sit out there and you go, let's hope it works. Yeah, like this fucking asshole. This guy and this silly bitch. I would have been like, how do you know that that's going to stop the polar bear from from eating me and do you guys have a method that you're gonna use to chase the polar bear away

and you can't tell a bear take it at half speed you go hey we got it cut right let's go everyone wrap let's go to and when you want to leave the bear decides like no I'd rather just stay here and figure out a way to eat you so how you shoo the bear off you're gonna shoot it you can't shoot it it's protected so what are you gonna do you can shoot it i'll tell you i'll take the fine would you yes oh yeah dude we did we did uh race car uh nascar track in uh in thunder valley where they took us on a on a track at like maybe like 110 miles an hour possibly maybe 90. who knows did you drive the car no they drove it for us. Oh, I want to drive one of those NASCARs.

For real? Yes. You can make that happen. You know how much that would feel? How fucking much power those things must have? It's so raw. But the key is with the people that can drive it, they get you an inch from the wall. Oh, Jesus.

When you're an inch from a wall- Why do you want that? Sometimes they hit the wall. Oh, bro. How about a foot from the wall? an inch from a wall. Why do you want that? Sometimes they hit the wall.

Oh, bro. How about a foot from the wall? They go so close to the wall, and you hear the tires. And all I thought when the tires hit was, they pop sometimes. Yeah, they break. And if it pops, it just- You flip. That's it. Fire.

Brimstone. Talladega Nights. Talladega Nights. Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft. What a great movie. What a great fucking movie. You know what else is a great movie? What?

The Machine. The Machine. Coming soon. Memorial Day weekend. Memorial Day weekend. Memorial Day weekend. I got so much shit to promote. The Machine, fully loaded.

I got a cruise that's already sold out. I got Razzle Dazzle that's streaming right now on Netflix. Is it BurtBurtBurt.com for everything? BurtBurtBurt.com for everything. I'll get you everything you need from me. That's it. All right, let's wrap it up. I love you, brother.

I love you, too. It's great seeing you. I'm going to see you tonight. I think I'm going to go to your comedy club. Yeah, tonight. We're going to kill Tony. I'm going to go kill Tony and then fly home. We're flying to New York.

Continue press. All right. Goodbye, everybody.