The Joe Rogan Experience - #196 - Matt Paxton

Episode Date: March 14, 2012

Joe sits down with Matt Paxton.

Let's start this officially. Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. Yes. Now, we are talking today to Matt Paxton from Hoarders. And you want to talk about a dude who has seen some unusual shit. I've seen it every day. You must have a completely different perspective on human beings than your average person. Yeah.

I mean, it's to a point now where I have a hard time. I live in the suburbs now. I have a wife and kids. And I'm bored to death hanging out with the guys in the neighborhood. Because during the day, I'm shoveling 200 dead cats and 45,000 pounds of shit. And then I got to go talk to some guy about an email that he got in his cube. You know, and I can't, I mean, it's actually affecting. I need the crazy shit now.

I'm really having a hard time living a regular life. So you've become addicted to all this insanity. Absolutely. I'm a recovering addict. My issue was gambling. I had a serious gambling problem. Lost everything when I was 25. I mean, literally rock rock bottom sitting in a ditch

in lake tahoe nevada i got my ass kicked by a bookie and like had to start over wow like i literally five bucks in my pocket and i went and gambled it trying to make it 10 jesus and so i hit rock bottom and over the last what 10 years slowly but surely got back out and i've seen it all and so it works for me with the hoarders because like i'm not gonna judge them i've been in a much i mean mean, I thought about sucking dick for money one night. I didn't do it. But I put it on the table. Because I was in a lot of trouble. And I was like,

you know, it can't taste that bad. It's not that horrible. Like I started justifying it in my head. And I put a lot of things on the table that night. Sigur and I talked about it one night. We were like, you know, I was like, I'm going to run drugs from New York to Miami Just once

And get out of trouble Not like I knew How to set that up Or anything But in my mind I was like I'm gonna do it And so like

I mean there was a lot of I was in so much trouble I put a lot of things On the table So when I see a lady That's shit in her oven Like I'm like Eh you know

It's not that bad Really She shits in her oven I've had one lady That did yeah She actually shit She shit in a bag And then put the bag in the oven.

Oh, my God. To keep it fresh, right? What was the thought behind it? She wanted to keep it safe. She wanted to save her shit? She was saving her shit? I get that. It was a special something.

I think there was a birthday cake involved or something. Oh, my God. So you can't shit from a particular meal that you wanted to save? Yeah, there was something important to it. I know. And you know what, there was something important to it. I know. And you know what? I'll get right at it.

These people are not crazy. I hate that word crazy. They sure sound it. Right. But something really intense has happened to them at some point in their life that made them. It jump-started it and got them. And then about ten years of bad decisions got them there after that. But something horrible, tragic happened to them that initiated it. So is it this horrible, tragic thing that happens to them?

Does it just fuck with the way they see reality? Totally. They block off sections of reality? Yeah, and that's why I'm so excited to be on this, because you're willing to go into different realities and understand that you could have a whole separate world that exists in your mind, even though you're living in a different one. And that's what happens to a boy. There's a lot of functional crazy yes absolutely oh my god we've

had judges and lawyers and doctors i mean we had one lawyer that were one judge that we literally had to clean his house from midnight to 6 a.m because he didn't want anybody to know what was going on but yet i mean here i am hello the guy on hoarders that three million people the night see right if i'm going into your house every other hour, it's pretty obvious we're cleaning up your house. What did you have to do to the judge's house? We had to clean it. I mean, it was full. But his was nice stuff.

It was like art and fancy things, antiques, and just things he had bought. He was just overballing. His was an issue. His wife believed stuff made you who you were. And so he wasn't really comfortable with what you do as a person is who you are he was whatever you buy is who you are and so they're just they were searching for more self-worth and they just kept buying things oh i see and i mean we it does it's all mental it's never about the

physical stuff which is hard to believe i mean we could get deep into these hoarders get into big deep worlds where they think things matter. And I always say it's, it's called, uh, there's an old Avid brothers song. If you've ever heard the Avid brothers, interesting band,

uh, really cool band. How do you spell it? Avid, A V E T T. Avid brothers. They're, they're amazing.

They drive a lot of my theories on life. Really? Yeah. Oh yeah. I mean, they changed the way I work. Like first time I heard them, I was like,

wow, this must have been what it must've been like to hear the Beatles for the first time. And I know I'm not, that's a road you don't throw out. I mean, they changed the way I work. Like, first time I heard them, I was like, wow, this must have been what it must have been like to hear the Beatles for the first time. Really? And I know that's a word you don't throw out. I know that. Oh, man. You're hyping this up like Drive.

They're from North Carolina. What kind of music is this? It's their Bluegrass, but they think they're Led Zeppelin. Really? Holy shit. Yeah, and so they play really fucking hardcore. Dude, throw some of that shit on. They just got picked up by Rick Rubin.

Their last album was Rick Rubin produced. Wow. Does Rick Rubin still have that crazy beard? I only know him from that NYU picture. I only know him from Beastie Boys videos. I mean, you'd think that was their freshman year of college. Him and, who was that guy? The black guy.

Russell Simmons? Russell Simmons and him were roommates freshman year at NYU. Yeah, it's pretty crazy. That's crazy to me. They both seem to be really, even though they're super successful, they both seem to be really nice guys. I met... Russell Simmons, have you ever read his Twitter?

No. It's all about love. It's all about love and do yoga and drink water. It's like... He's a big yogi. He's such a nice guy. I met him in an elevator at a shoe convention when yeah if there was a visit what is the name of

the song breath ten thousand words acoustic it's probably not something here maybe maybe it is your distraction oh there it is there that's in the back of their truck. I wrote a million more in books written beneath my bed. I wrote or read them all when searching in the swamps. Still can't find how to hold my hand. If you see Distraction No. 74, hit that one live. Distraction No. 74, is that a song? Yeah.

You'll see them. Their live is really amazing. Distraction74? Uh-huh. Hit that one live. Distraction74? Is that a song? Yeah. You'll see them. Their live is really amazing. One of those dudes had his pants rolled up and he was barefoot. Their country. I find that offensive. They're definitely playing the part now. I mean, they are.

I find that slightly offensive. You knew they were filming a video, dude. You decided to roll your pants up and take your shoes off. There's still a music industry. No, man. I'm so comfortable. There's still a music industry. I'm so comfortable, dude. You decided to roll your pants up and take your shoes off. There's still music in the street. No, man. I'm so comfortable. There's still music in the street. I'm just so comfortable, man. Okay.

This? Yeah. So the guy plays a banjo like a guitar. It all builds, totally, the whole time. Here it comes. The boys are calling me worried I knew it Less than a song they sang I knew I was wrong Yes, I did And I knew I was wrong So live, it's a whole different world. This is very original, though.

Yeah. I can't think of other things that it sounds like. They've got like six albums in three years. Really? Yeah, they just throw up music. I'll have to check out their stuff. But the whole point of that was they have a line that says, I'll never know silence without mental violence.

Whoa. And I get really deep into the word. I mean, like, I just love their music. And they said, I never know silence without mental violence. And that mental violence is the key word for me. For a hoarder, they're 24-7. Their mind is never asleep. Like you and I, I think your brain probably goes over time a lot.

I'm a huge fan of the podcast, and I'm geeking out to be here. But to know – We're geeking out to have you. Thank you, I'm sure. So, I mean, to like – you allow your brain to go deeper than a lot of people are willing to? I don't even know what that means. All I do is if something is curious to like, you allow your brain to go deeper than a lot of people are willing to. I don't even know what that means. All I do is, if something is curious to me, I follow up on my curiosity. I just have the time to do it.

I think that's the difference. I don't work a regular day job where, you know, between 9 to 5, I have to have the... You don't allow rules to limit your brain. Well, I don't have to. You know, it's really, a lot of it is I've been very lucky in how I've sort of managed to manage my life. And it's just, yeah, I can think about things.

I don't have to think about a company all day. But someone doesn't tell you how to think of those things. Yeah. Your brain just goes. Well, I'm allowed to. I mean, I think that's what's really hard for people is jobs.

What's really hard for people is, you know, when you fucking work 40 hours a week plus traveling, commuting, that's a lot of time that's not yours. More than 50% of your life is not yours. Not yours. And for most of us, not me, but I have been in the past for sure, when you work on a job like that, you're giving away a giant chunk of your life. That's the majority of us. That's why systems work. People are tired. People are tired all the time.

That's why ridiculous systems are hard to get out of place because people are just too tired to fix them. Yeah. I mean, I'm lucky. I always say

hitting rock bottom for me was like the greatest thing ever because you fuck up so many times by the time you get back out of rock bottom, like you pick yourself up. Right. You've broken all those rules,

and you're like, fuck, I'm not getting a real job. So you feel like you're probably the perfect person for this show because you're not even judging these people. Hell no. Never. You've been down crazy street. I've done much worse than that. Yeah.

Absolutely. That's beautiful, man. Much worse. What a great message that is. I'm totally not going to judge them. No one is. What a great message that is, though, if you're saying you've done much worse,

and here you are with your shit together. There's nothing. Yeah, but I sure didn't for 15 years. I know, but that's so important. I don't think I have my shit together now. I'm just on TV and it looks like I have my shit together. Well, I think you have your shit. Right now, you do have your shit together. If you're living in the moment right now. More so than yesterday. You're not methed out. You're not shitting your pants. You're not going crazy. Have you murdered a hooker? No, but one of my guys, one of my employees did murder another guy.

All my guys are ex-con. They're the best employees for this work. One of your employees murdered a guy? Yeah, he did 20 years. Was he a hooker? No, the other guy was a drug dealer. I asked him. I was like, you did 20 years. His name's Ronnie. Great guy. I was like, what happened? He goes, well, it was 20 years. His name's Ronnie. Great guy. I was like, what's the, like, what happened?

And he goes, well, you know, it was me or him. I go, okay. I get that concept. And I go, so, like, tell me the story. And I told him, I checked with the parole officer. It wasn't a second. I like my guys to be ex-cons because they're not going to judge. Wow.

Because they're going to go back to jail the next day if they fuck up with us. Right. I'm their only chance. So with our hoarders, we're their only chance to clean so i prefer to have like what if that one fuck up is like raping you or hurting you that would suck i mean yeah i mean i tend to it's never happened yet i mean i i don't let them know my family if that if that's what you're you know leaning towards they don't know my family at all but you purposely hook them up with jobs because you think that they'll be more open-minded. Absolutely.

And I know they're not. I mean, a college kid drives me crazy because he wants to check his cell phone all day. He wants to try to get laid that night. Don't get me wrong. I get that, too. But, I mean, he's focused on everything other than my client. Yeah, yeah. My hoarder is just happy to be.

Excuse me. My worker from prison, he just got out on Saturday. He's just happy to be out. He worker is from prison he just got out on Saturday he's just happy to be out he's been in a 10 by 10 for 20 years how do you know whether or not you can trust him I go through there's some yeah there's some church groups that rehab them in prison and we know they've been sober for two years these guys are like devoted to

a vegan diet I mean they're already have committed to lifestyles inside the system to get clean wow so I mean believe it or not, staying sober in prison is a really hard thing to do. Is it really? You can get anything you want. Anything you want.

Anything. These guys will tell you, man, anything you want. You can have it in a day if you're willing to pay. Really? Yeah. I mean, these guards make 20 grand a year, and they can pick up an extra 60 or 70 running shit to the prisoners. I don't really have a problem with that.

I get it. It is what it is, man. Yeah. It is what it is. I get it. You know what it is, man. It is what it is. I get it. You know, prison must fucking suck. It sucks. It sucks. I can't imagine it. If you gotta get high to get through it, so be it. It's the worst way

to fix people. The worst way to fix... I mean, it does, for some, scares them into a life of discipline. Like Bernard Hopkins. He's a perfect example. You know, Bernard Hopkins. That boxer. Yeah. He Bernard Hopkins, he's a perfect example. You know, Bernard Hopkins when he was young. That boxer, isn't he? Yeah.

He's the current light heavyweight champion, and I think he's 47. Really? Which is insane, yeah. His discipline is just ridiculous. The discipline is the key word. I mean, these guys are so devoted, they don't even try to eat it.

You think it's hard to eat a healthy lifestyle outside of prison. Try to eat a healthy lifestyle with no... I mean, they'll eat just water and bread, and that's it. Jesus Christ. That doesn't sound healthy. No. But the food is so bad.

The food is so bad. And they're just so committed to a clean lifestyle. By the time we get them, they're awesome. It's so ridiculous to me, the fact that we have private prisons. That fact is so shocking to me. Yeah. That there are actually businesses that profit off the amount substantially really profit off the amount of people that get arrested and so they also lobby to keep certain laws on the books to make sure there's more things to arrest people for so there's more people in their prisons it's like

this is the matrix most i mean that's that insanity. Most of my dudes are young black men that never knew their dads. They were just trying to get by. They never had a freaking chance. In their mind, selling a little weed on the corner, that was right. There wasn't anything wrong. I mean, the difference between right and wrong is totally subjective. And a lot of our guys, in their world, they're just trying to survive. Why is that wrong?

But it's okay for the guy to sell oxycodone. Because I'm white. CVS Pharmacy. I didn't get caught. I had the proceeds to not, to get out of trouble. Yeah, that's so silly. It's really preposterous. So my guys, I like those guys.

They'll give me their heart and they'll give my hoarder, they'll give 100% effort to my client. And so that's the dudes I want. That's really cool, man. You know, look, I'm certainly for prison. I'm certainly for keeping dangerous people. You raped a kid. I hope you die in prison. I agree.

I agree. But you saw a weed maker? Get out. Not just that. There's a lot of other things that happen that people get arrested for. And I think we really could do with a better way of rehabilitating people and a better way of sort of managing kids that are coming up. We've got to recognize when there's these big populations of kids without fathers

and terrible neighborhoods where everybody's stealing and it's just crime everywhere. There's got to be a way that some asshole can profit off helping these people. But that's the only way. I'm pitching a deal right now. I keep trying. that some asshole can profit off helping these people. And, but that's the only way I've been, I'm pitching a deal right now, man. Like I keep talking, I'm trying to,

yeah. Cause to me it's, it's worse force development really. And if you, these kids, they, none of them have dads. Most of their dads are in prison or dead.

And I don't want to, I don't want to paint a brush and say everyone is this way. Right. But a lot of these kids don't stand a chance. They just simply don't stand a chance. So I'm saying they're going to be, for the next 20 years, they're in prison. So let's just go ahead and get in there because they don't.

I actually found out from some of my guys, you don't even qualify. You think it's bad outside with no money and no funding for social services. You try to get funding inside a prison. I mean, they're at the bottom of the list. There's no government money for prisoners. So these dudes can't even check out a book in the library until the last two years of prison. Really?

You're only available for educational until the last two years of prison. Really? You're only available for educational services your last two years. So what if you're on 18 years? 20 years. 18 years you're sitting around jerking off. No books. Nothing. Holy shit. Ronnie, you got worse for me. He spent nine years in solitary. Whoa. First day

he went in, he had to beat a guy up to show that he was tough. He got out and he was mad. He said, I was angry for five years. And think about that statement. Angry for five years. And you're in a 10 by 10 dark room and that's all that you are, is angry. He had nothing else.

It's insane. So he, I mean, nothing, no break, nothing. Five years. He gets out, finds the same guy, beats the shit out of him. Oh my God. Goes back in for four. Jesus Christ. Because he was mad at that guy for five years. Well, he's fucking crazy. At that point he was, yeah. Wow. finds the same guy beats the shit out of him oh my god goes back in for four jesus christ because he was mad at that guy for five years well he's fucking crazy at that point he was yeah wow yeah what is what is that experience like of being locked without human contact for five years nine he got out for 30 seconds well he had a little contact after that somebody came in for i don't

know 30 minutes how did they look first of all how'd they ever let that guy out of jail ronnie he served his time i mean it's crazy now that's another part that's pretty crazy you know for, I don't know, 30 minutes. How did they, first of all, how did they ever let that guy out of jail? Ronnie? He served his time. I mean, it's crazy. Now, that's another part that's pretty crazy. He served his time. But what kind of a rehabilitation is that? There was no rehabilitation.

I'm doing his rehabilitation. I'm teaching him what it's like to be a real man. I'm teaching him what it's like to talk and to listen and to communicate. I mean, we're doing the rehab. And that's what I'm, I mean, I really, my next thing after this show's over, I want to do a for-profit program.

We go into prisons the last two years. We give these kids an MBA because most of them are drug dealers. They get cost of goods sold. They get business. I mean, they were selling drugs. They understand what things cost. They understand margins.

They get it. And they already understood the principle of business. They got two years to sit around and do nothing. I want them to, I want to teach them good business principles. Let it be a contest and whoever comes with a good idea we're going to fund them.

So when they get out we're going to have a for-profit halfway house. When they get out they now get entrepreneurial training for the next two years. So they get out and they're with us for two years

and we train them and then we teach them the business and get their business started. That's awesome. I think there's a way to make money on it too. I'm not doing it for free. I'm not trying to be and I'm not looking for government grants. I'm going to take a piece of their business and give them a chance.

And as long as it's a good business, they're going to make money. You imagine having two years to sit in a room and think and be able to put a business. I mean, think of all the businesses you're putting together. If you had no other distractions for two years, how awesome would that be? I'm not saying prison's awesome. But to be able to be devoted to something would be really cool. It's super motivating is what it is. It can be.

Yeah, it can be. Or it can be, you know, mortally depressing. I mean. We've got to figure out a better way to fucking. We've got to get Halliburton involved in rehabilitating cities. Some huge company. Yeah, if Halliburton could get a grant. To make Detroit profitable.

If we hire them to rebuild Iraq, why can't we hire them to rebuild Compton? Why can't we hire them to set up some sort of community centers where kids without fathers can be mentored on a daily basis? So that someone can give them a discipline to put their life in gear. I've learned with doing hoarders, man. Like, I'm learning it's cool to make a difference. I didn't know that. Well, it feels good, doesn't it?

It's amazing. It's my new drug. I mean, it's the best. I don't need to gamble anymore because I'm helping people every day. And it sounds silly. It's, like, totally addictive to me. And I'm needy. Don't get me wrong.

I need – that's part of who I am. I need that fix every day of someone saying you helped me. But if it does for greater good, fine. Yeah, I mean, you're getting your little rush, but you're getting it off of super positive things. All for helping people. It's like you've changed something that's just chaotic and crazy like gambling into something

where you're getting this rush off of only positive things and things that benefit other people. Yeah. That's beautiful. That's like the best. I'm still getting my rush. I'm still getting my fix. I'm not trying to act like I'm not.

You've channeled your obsession. I've just re-channeled. You've figured out how to do it all and be everything's positive, though. I mean, you think if some child molester that he has to have that rush to do whatever you've got to do, what if you could channel that into he's got to have that rush and he'll do anything to get that rush, but that rush is now helping people. Look, that would be beautiful if I believed it was true. That's a bad example.

I don't think they can be helped. I think there's such a high recidivism rate. I think there's something wrong with their brains. I won't even. I mean, I'll help anyone. I mean, literally, Ronnie killed a dude, and I'm fine with Ronnie in my home, but I'm not going to help a child molester. I can't do it.

Yeah, I agree. I've met a few guys over the course of my life who had killed people. And, you know, some of them in war and some of them in – Well, that's a whole different story. Yeah, I knew guys who killed people accidentally in fights. I knew a guy who did that. Did you? That's actually –

He had a weird look on his face, man. I knew a guy who killed a guy, a buddy of his, in a drunk driving accident. He always had a weird thing about him, you know. Well, I was listening to your podcast a couple weeks ago when you were talking about you guys were talking about Rhode Island and all these dudes you were talking about had gone to prison or killed someone. A couple guys had. Yeah, a couple guys had.

There's one guy who beat a guy to death with a stick. It was a comic. That's more than a decision. I mean, that's a commitment to an act. One time you hit him and he dies, fine, but you hit him a hundred times, you made 99 more decisions to kill that fucking guy. There's a lot of crazy fuckers out there in this world. It's amazing that you're so entrenched in them,

yet you seem like a pretty together dude. I think so. I mean, kids changed me. I mean, I got a two-year-old and a five-month-old, and my wife changed me. I mean, I never thought I'd get married. I mean, when I got on Hoarders, I was living on a buddy's couch. I was cleaning up shit for $12 an hour.

Literally shoveling shit for $12 an hour. And anybody would hire me. Like a dog? Like people's dogs? No, people's houses. I'd go into a Hoarder house and clean up their shit for $12 an hour. So you, before the show even? Yeah, I'd been cleaning houses for four years.

When I hit rock bottom, I mean, I literally lost everything. I was living on a buddy's couch for 200 bucks a month and I couldn't come up with 200 bucks the third month he was like dude you know you're we're 30 man like you gotta you gotta do something man I remember I'll never I mean I talked to my old pie guys I my 30th birthday I call I was engaged to another girl and I realized I was like my life is a fucking joke. Like, I can't pull her into this. I got no business being married. And so I called off the wedding, like, a month before I was getting married. Wow. And that was a hard decision.

And I was living on my buddy's couch, and it was my 30th birthday, which, you know, is a milestone in your head. And I said to my mom, I was like, well, what do you want? It's been a hell of a year. And I was like, I need a pair of running shoes. And I couldn't afford it. I was trying to run a marathon that year, and I couldn't afford a pair of shoes. I didn't have enough money. I owed like $100,000 in credit cards. It was scary. I started cleaning up old ladies' houses.

How did you get that job? The biggest important thing in my life for me was my dad dying when I was 24. That changed my life. I was a fucking asshole I was just a piece of shit all I cared about was drinking gambling and nailing women all three great things don't get me wrong I mean my 20s were really fun sounds like you had a good time why'd you stop at a blast I really did talking to a guy who I spent a good deal of my youth in pool halls yeah so you know I mean a hustle i was a hustler gambling addicts yeah on a regular basis but see but you very very common yeah i mean for me i didn't i hadn't honed

my hustle in the right place i'm still a hustler i'm just doing it on tv in a positive way i never changed i am i'm just able i've learned i'm able to make more money in a positive way than i am in a negative way people don't talk like i talk they don't say the things i say and i've learned I'm able to make more money in a positive way than I am in a negative way. People don't talk like I talk. They don't say the things I say. And I've learned just being brutally honest is the best hustle there is. How did you get into this environment where you're around gamblers? How did all this happen? Well, man, the first time I went to a casino, I fell in love with it, man.

How old were you? College. This guy, George. So that's when you became a gambling addict? Yeah, this guy, George Roman. He's when you became a gambling addict yeah george yeah this guy george roman he had tourettes really cool dude he was a very confident guy he had tourettes but he didn't give a shit it was like your problem that he had tourettes not his wow that's awesome he's a very confident guy and so i was like very attracted i was like man this is a cool fucking guy right like he put it on you he did not care that he had

tourettes and he would get the hottest chicks at school. He's a really awesome, confident guy. And my dad always told me, he's like, you're never going to be the best looking guy. You'll never be the hardest working guy. You got to be the most confident. Because I think that's your only in. Like, you got no other valuable thing. Wow, your dad just broke you off. No, he just was honest.

He said that. He's like, you know, you're not going to be rich. Yeah, you're not going to be rich. You're not going to be any of that stuff. Here's your dick. Here's a ruler. Yeah, you ain't got a big dick. It is what it is. And dad got mad mad women i mean he got and he was so ugly but he just he knew how to he talked honest he talked honest and he treated them like he treated

them with respect and as a woman and so i learned a lot from him but when my dad died i went to this little place called comfort zone camp it's a camp for kids that have lost their dads. And so I was in L.A. We helped to build the L.A. camp, and my wife and I did. But I met her there. But we helped build these camps for these kids that all their dads had died in drive-bys. So you meet all these 12-year-old kids that are going in. You know, they're getting recruited by gangs already

because their dads have already, their 23-year-old dads, you know, have been killed, 25-year-old dads. So we learned, I mean, I just, grief was a huge part early on. And so for me, like, when I got out of my really rock bottom and I realized it's time to get going, where I figured that out, the doing good versus doing bad was at this camp. I got addicted to that camp.

I volunteered every single weekend. And I would just go away for three nights and hang out with these kids. And that's when I got my new addiction was then. Wow. And it changed my life. That place changed my life. I met my wife there three nights and hang out with these kids. And that's when I got my new addiction was then. Wow. That's amazing. And it changed my life. That place changed my life. I met my wife there.

I came up with a new business, my business, Clutter Cleaner. I came up with it there, helping these kids. I met a lot of great women and met my wife there. So, I mean, I wouldn't have what I have. How did you pull yourself out of the gambling spiral? You said you found yourself in a ditch. I ran like a fucking chicken, man. I mean, I got my ass kicked by a bookie.

Right. You owed him money. I owed $40,000. The night before, I had $10 left to my name. I knew I owed this bookie. I mean, I think it was $40,000. And it was a lot. I knew I only had $10 in my pocket.

My girlfriend was waiting for me. I was in Lake Tahoe. She was waiting for me at the top of the hill up at Heavenly. And I was gambling all night. I had $5 in my mind. I thought I had $5 at the end of the night and i was like i better put this down i gotta get a cab ride home so i was giving up i had five dollars to my name and i owed 40 to the bookie 40 000 yeah which for a 24 year old kid make it not making that is a lot of money and so i put

the chip down lost came out i had no money lost my last dollar came out. I had no money. I lost my last dollar, came out and had nothing. And it was like, I got a fucking problem. And so I was looking at the cabbie and he's like the guy that drove me back every night. And he was like, he looked at me and I was like, I got no money, man. So I started walking uphill, five miles uphill to the ski resort. Tahoe is a very awesome isolating place. So it was a five mile inclined road as we went up. And I'm walking up this thing and he came up and picked me up

and he was like, dude, you gotta get your life together, man. You gotta quit gambling. And I remember this and at that point I was still judging people

and I was like looking at this, I was like, this poor, stupid cab driver. No God knows what happened to him. And I was totally judging him.

Yet he's saving me. He's picking me up. And so I'm still treating this guy in my mind like a piece of shit and he picks me up he drops me off and I'm like can I give you anything can I can he's like dude just stop gambling he looked at me like just fucking stop and that's what made you stop well and I called my mom the next morning and she's like you're on your own so then I went I

called the bookie and I was like I don't know my dude man on his money and I mean this was like a movie he's like no worries man everything's gonna be fine we'll work it out what do you have I was like I might be able to scrounge up a thousand dollars he goes no worries come on down I'll meet you down this afternoon so I was like this isn't like movies at all this is great this we're gonna work it out and I went down he took the thousand bucks and he beat the shit out of me broke my nose I totally was just clueless and he just he broke my nose and beat the shit out of me that was my rock bottom and i was like what the fuck am i gonna do so i called around i called an old boss and i told him what my mom had already said you're on your own find a legal way out and

that was the night where i put a lot of dumb shit on the board i mean i was like all right i'll just be a prostitute or i'll do whatever like i was like i'll you know i was like i can be mentally strong i can figure this out and i was lying mentally strong. I can figure this out. And I was lying to myself saying, I can figure this out. Wow. And so ended up, an old boss got me a job in Chicago and he goes, when can you get, this was a Tuesday night,

and he goes, when can you get there? And I was like, Friday. He goes, you start Friday. They're gonna pay off the bookie, but you're gonna have to work for a year to pay. They're gonna take it out, peace out every night. Wow. And I was like, great, thank you.

And I literally, my buddy, I didn't have money to get home, so I had to play poker that night. I borrowed 50 bucks from my buddy and won enough money playing poker to get gas money. Oh, my God. And that's how I drove home, and I never gambled again. Really? You just quit?

I quit. I ran away. I still run away. I still run away today. Wow. I mean, this is the worst week for me, the NCAA tournament. Oh, you were a basketball person? It killed me. Oh, my God, I love it. It's my favorite thing ever. So do you still watch it? Oh, yeah, NCAA tournament. Oh, you were a basketball person? It killed me.

Oh, my God, I love it. It's my favorite thing ever. So do you still watch it? Oh, yeah, love it. Oh, wow, no. I just don't do the sheets. I delete all the emails. I just can't do the sheets.

Wow, that's crazy. So you're just battling it every day, huh? You know, I don't. Sort of, but you have a handle on it. Yeah, I mean, I haven't gambled in eight years. I don't really. Eight years? Yeah, I mean, my kids are just wearing me out, and I don't really have the effort

for that kind of stuff anymore. Does it still draw you, though? Every once in a while, I get that itch. Yeah, every once in a while, I get that. Like, I had it this year. I had a really bad itch, and I had a flight to Vegas to do a Hoarders episode, and it wasn't even in Vegas. I just had a three-hour layover, and I was like, fuck yeah, I'm going downtown. And I got excited, and I hadn't had that itch

in a long time. Like, I can drink, I can smoke, I can do whatever cause I can walk away. I can't walk away from a table. That's my weakness. I don't know how to walk away. If I have a dollar or 10 grand, I'm going to fucking blow it. So is it your special brain chemistry, whatever it is in your mind? For me, that's my, that's it.

When gambling comes up, you just bing. I love it. You just connect. That's my ultimate way of shoving it to the man and like i'm better than you i can do this and i don't know that's what it is yeah it's a self-worth thing i was looking for self-worth so again but how do you get self-worth out of game for me that's where it went man that i mean for you you might get i mean where do you get your self-worth i don't know i get it trying to think about it yeah my new thing now is like i really know that i'm making a

difference on these podcasts so i dig that i'm starting to get it that's where i'm what is your podcast called five decisions away five decisions away and what is essentially what is it well I really know that I'm making a difference on these podcasts. So I dig that. I'm starting to get it. That's where I'm getting my rush. What is your podcast called again? It's called Five Decisions Away. Five Decisions Away. And what is essentially, what is it about? Well, it's about, it just recounts all my mistakes over the last 15 years. I was doing a hoarders where, in New York City,

where this guy had a massive, he had an acre in Brooklyn, a massive property in Brooklyn. This guy inherited it from his dad, and it had about six feet of bicycles all the way through the yard. So an acre at six feet high. Think of the metal. The value of that metal was probably $100,000 in Brooklyn. This guy inherited it from his dad and it had about six feet of bicycles all the way through the yard. So an acre at six feet high. Think of the metal. The value of that metal was probably a hundred grand in metal. And he had a bum living in his yard. So inside the hoard

there was a bum living there. And that was one of the things we had to clean up. We had to get rid of the bum. So I was literally, I mean this was two years ago. I'm sitting here in Brooklyn hanging out with this bum. His name was Gregory. I'll never forget him. And this is the cool thing about hoarders. I get to meet all these dudes.

And I was like, all right, Gregory, how'd you end up here, man? Because he had a bunch of 40 ounces. He had a bunch of these Magnum condoms. And so I was like, fuck yeah, this guy's getting more ass than I am. And he lives in a fucking shack. He's being responsible. Turns out he was huffing. I didn't realize he was huffing.

He was just huffing gasoline. Huffing gasoline with the condoms? Yeah, they would fill up the condoms and then with the fumes. I thought he was getting ass. I didn't realize he was just trying to get high. Don't knock it, Joe. Hey, it is what it is, man.

Wasn't there a show on recently where a woman had an addiction with drinking gasoline? Yeah, my strange addiction. What was that about? You pretty much said it. She was drinking gasoline. She really would just drink gasoline.

She loved it. There's people that do crazy things like sleeping with hair dryers is really big. I've seen eating glass. I read the other day, my wife forwarded me this thing. Apparently, second to porn, the most downloaded stuff is watching fat people. People pay money to watch a fat person, stream live a fat person just living. Oh.

Second to porn. No, I like the naked fat girls. Second to porn. They pay to watch fat people. So there apparently is tons of websites. There was some girl on, she was on TV, my wife saw it. There's, like, people out there that you would pay, like, a monthly fee to just stream live to watch this fat person walk around.

Wow. And that doesn't do it for me. But gambling did. So to me, I think it's all, it's everything is related. And the whole reason I do well on hoarders is because I've been lower or made worse decisions they ever have. And so they trust me and I am able to, they know that and I scream that story to them. So before I, by the time I get to meet with a hoarder, I'm already part of their family

because they know I'm not about to judge them, period. So you're just helping them and pulling all their junk out. Yeah, it's easy to throw shit, stuff away. Now, I also don't mind, like, I get the bad stuff. So I get, like, 200 dead cats. Does that cat shit drive you crazy? The urine is what gets me. The urine, I can't do the urine.

The shit, you don't smell. The urine is much stronger. No, I mean seeing the actual dead cats. Oh, no, I hate cats. I could give you shit about it. That sucks. I'm happy with dead cats. Dead cats make me smell.

Now, dead dogs, it's hard. I can't do that. It bums you out? Yeah, I saw one with a dog. A lab was just laying in a cage dead, and that was really sad for me. But I see 100 dead cats. I think it's funny. Why was it dead?

She just left it there. Yeah, starvation. It was really sad, yeah. Jesus fucking Christ. But it's weird. Why is it any different from a dog from a cat? It shouldn't. You know, the diapers is my favorite now.

I laugh. I fucking love. I mean, I did one where this lady, we had a really bad earthquake earlier this year on the East Coast, and it's right near Washington, D.C., and I was literally filming a Hoarders episode. I'm standing, this lady's sitting on her toilet.

We're on the second floor of an old brick townhouse outside of D.C., and a big house, and I'm standing on four feet of her own diapers that she's been tossing in a corner. Her own diapers? Her own diapers. So she'd take a shit in her diaper. Oh, my God.

Or she'd have her period in her diaper, and then she'd just throw it in the corner. God. And the pile built up to be about four foot high, about six foot across. Oh, my God. What are you dressed like? Are you in a hazmat suit? Yeah, that one I was in a hazmat suit. Most of the time, I just wear boots and jeans.

And how is she existing in that environment? They can live in anything. It's like an 80-year-old smoker. You see these guys and you're like, you should be dead 20 years ago. He's the toughest fucking guy you've ever met. Their immune system must be going to war all day. We'll be in all hazmat.

Then they're just sitting there hanging out. Oh my God. I don't like to, if I'm conversing one-on-one with them, I don't want to have a mask on because I think that's a wall. i don't want to lose that trust with them right but sometimes i'm not gonna kill myself yeah i don't want to die from smelling your shit stupid i don't the shit doesn't bother me it's the like when there's fleas that have sat in your shit and then the flea comes up and sits on me that's when i got an issue i don't want to be like 100 fleas on my face full of human full of your shit not just shit your shit jesus christ it's more personal when i know it's yours so anyway this lady this was the crazy part this lady this is the crazy

yeah i ain't got a good part yet wait for it oh my goodness so then i'm talking to her about like tell me the first i was like i don't i understand how you after 10 years you can throw your diapers that's easy i said but the first time you made the decision, I'm not going to shit in the toilet. I'm going to just throw this in the corner. I was like, the first time is the hard decision. That's what I was trying to get to. What did you think? Why were you thinking this is okay? Where did you justify in your head that this is an acceptable behavior? It's that first decision what's so important to me. As I'm asking these questions, the house starts to shake sideways. I'm'm like hmm maybe we just got hit by a truck and then all of a sudden the

house starts to shake up and down and by the way there's a 300 pound camera guy right behind me as well and all of a sudden i was like holy fuck this must be i've never had an earthquake before i was like this must be an earthquake and the house is just it's like i mean it's like huluing i mean it's just a circle and i'm like everybody's freak out i'm like get the fuck out i'm screaming everybody get out get out and i run down the steps and i look at her i'm like i don't want to die under your shit that's the worst place to die oh my god under your shit and i realized i'm screaming this at this lady in front of 30 people and it was worse for her than the goddamn earthquake me telling her i didn't want to die

under her shit and i felt so bad and i was like i just almost died in a freaking house and i'm worried about you know upsetting this lady right but like that was you you never know what you're gonna hit i mean that's what i love about my job also i mean you you know so did you just feel like you just crossed a line i did i crossed line with her and i still apologized to her every time i mean you knew she was crazy going in there to say, you're crazy once you're there. Yeah, you don't say it. It's obvious. Right.

It's like telling a girl with big tits that she has big tits. You don't need to say it. Everyone knows. Sometimes you let her know. Let her know you know. Privately, yeah. Let her know what's up. Buggering her back and let her know.

Let her know you know. Don't be scared to let her know you know. Don't try to keep all your cards under the table right brian red band i often find that i think i'm a hoarder and it's and it's because it's i'm such a tech dork that every one of these things that you see here comes with a cable and instruction book and i feel like i have to save that because i'm going to need it later that is hoarding tendencies believe it or not what's that yeah i mean we get guys that they want to fix. I can fix this. I can fix this.

Right. If they hold on to things. Now, you obviously know the limits. Yeah, I know the limits to a point, but also that and clothes are my two horrible things. I hate fucking folding clothes or hanging up clothes, so I just kind of keep them in piles in my closet. That's the two things, though. I have a million uber douchey MMA t-shirts that people have given me

that I'll never wear. Yeah. It's like a battle axe into a skull, you know, like, chop your head off, You must get so much stuff from people, because you're like

kind of one of the, one of the original dudes. It's cool in some ways. I get, you know, people send me, like, cool equipment, so it's good in that way. I get cleaning supplies,

I mean, nonstop. People send me equipment they want me to's good in that way. I get cleaning supplies. I mean, nonstop. People send me equipment they want me to use in a house. Well, I mean, it's good to get that shit for free, isn't it? Yeah, I just give it to the hoarder. I'm a minimalist. I don't want anything. How many people that you go in and sort of intervene and restructure their life, how many of them does it stick with?

This is the number one question. If they invest in the therapy, and I say invest. I don't mean money. I mean time. how many of them does it stick with? This is the number one question. If they invest in the therapy, and I say invest, I don't mean money, I mean time. If you invest fully in the therapy process, it's about 60% with my guys. 60%? Yeah. If you don't do the therapy, guaranteed 100% failure. Wow.

It'll be full within two months and usually faster. Now, and I don't want to say. You said 60% success? Yeah, but I don't want to say you said 60 success yeah but i don't want to say it's not always traditional therapy a lot of these when you see me on hoarders these are stage five hoarders which they're the worst i mean they haven't they've literally been shitting in their living room for 20 years okay so i mean i'm talking extreme extreme stuff so traditional therapy is not going to work with them so i don't want to act like if you just talk therapy is not gonna it's not for everybody right and so a lot of my stage five hoarders,

they've got to have, there's a lot of new, there's a lot of Western therapy that's that's actually amazing. There's a lot of post-traumatic stress disorder, light therapies that we're doing with a lot of the guys are doing with all the guys coming back from Iraq. Now those are some really fun guys. It's this light therapy that they, they hit them with all these light treatments, and it actually helps them remember whatever that tragic event was,

whatever the trigger was. And it helps them go back to that. Because most of these, like a hoarder. That sounds crazy. I think it's fat. I'm not a doctor. I mean, I'm a trash guy. But, like, the therapists that we work with,

we brought in some new homeopathic doctors that have come in, and we found that traditional medicine may not always be right for hoarders. And it's really interesting. What is a homeopathic doctor going to give them? Is there something in their fucking homeopathic book about hoarding? No, I mean there's things. Ginger root. Well, shit.

Acupuncture does some crazy stuff, man. Does it? It's some amazing stuff. Is acupuncture legit, Brian? Joey Diaz fucking swears by it. That's all he talks about. It's totally legit. Is it legit or is it one of those power bracelet things?

Well, if you believe in it, yeah, sure. I know what you're saying. I had acupuncture done once on an injury, on a neck injury. I don't think it did shit. Well, so for you it's not legit. It might, but I was open-minded. It just didn't work for me at that moment. Maybe it was something I needed to do more than once or something.

And when Joey Diaz describes it, it seems like he says weird shit sometimes. Like, oh, this brown juice came out of my foot. And I'm like, what's that mean? How about that? How about he was saying, I should put your foot in the bath and you see the impurities come out of your body. Like, impurities are coming out of your feet. Like, what are you, a fucking plant? I've had brown shit.

What are you talking about? I've had brown shit on my feet, but I've not come out of it. That doesn't even make sense. There's a lot of pseudo-medicine talk that these people throw around, and I always get confused. I never know what's real and what's just a crock of shit. I'm old school, man. If it works for you, and I believe this with faith, with medicine, whatever.

If it works for you, cool. It may be totally fake in my world, but in your world, if it works for you, I'm fine with it. Have you ever met one of those crazy dudes that's like a healer that says you can line up your meridians and touch you in certain places? Makes you take off all your clothes in the back of his car. I've seen guys

that have smart guys convinced that they can actually do that. I've seen that with real successful people and they'll start telling you how great this guy is. I'm telling you it doesn't make sense. This guy is like some sort of a shaman or something. He knows how to line up your meridians. And you

meet the guy and, you know, if you are like me, you probably have a very highly tuned sense of... I got two seconds on a bullshit detector. Yeah, you're like, wrong. Get the fuck out of my face. Well, at least you're still talking to Andy Dick. Andy Dick is not full of shit, I'll tell you that. Don't say that about Andy.

No, I'm just kidding. That is one thing Andy is not. I hope he's getting his shit back together. I hope so. I love Andy. He's definitely not full of shit, though. Andy, he's crazy, but he's not full of shit. But, yeah, this guy was, like, doing all this to these dudes that I knew.

They were, like, You know, successful dudes. And I had to come along and meet this fella and started asking him about the science behind what he does. The more you get deep into questions the more it starts crumbling. Like, where'd you learn this? What is this? Well, you probably just were relentless and never stopped with the questions.

It was ridiculous. It was preposterous. It involved turquoise. And it also did the thing. He did something that I really don't like. Yeah, the thing. He did something that I really don't like. He did something that I really don't like. He reached over and pinched a hold of my trap muscle while we were talking. You ever have a conversation

with someone and they're holding on to you? No. Not hard. He broke your personal space. But it wasn't even to the point where... I was not insulting him. So you might say, well, this guy was like, he's about to get physical. It was not that. He was being very friendly and like a friendly gesture.

But he almost had like, it was a weird, like he had like a light pinch on me. It was like a light pinch. It wasn't, it was just a little, just something that made me think like, why is he doing this? Like you ever talk to a dude? That's a control thing. You ever talk to a dude and they hold your knee? They lean in and they hold your knee, and then they want to tell you, and I'll tell you what, right now, Matt, I didn't know what I was going to do.

They're like, why the fuck are you holding my knee? It's magic. It's diversion. They were diverting you from whatever was really going on. It enhances the moment. So the guy did that when he was talking to me, which automatically makes me feel like he's a charlatan. Pickpocketer.

If I know that this guy is a hustle, he's a mental hustle, this is what he's doing, I mean, obviously, he's a mental hustle, this is what he's doing. I mean, obviously, he's tricking these people into thinking that he's healing them, or maybe he is magic. It's a power play, man. Leave that on the table. But when a guy does a psychological move like that, where he just reaches. I mean, that's really base. That's not complicated at all.

It's really obvious. If somebody reaches in and holds on to you, it's an odd move. I do that when a hoarder's in? When in a bad moment, I make sure I got a hand on her back as a hug. Oh, on purpose. Yeah. But that's on purpose. That's strategy of good energy. That's the comfort. The same thing for negative energy. Yeah. Well, it wasn't even this dude wasn't even being negative. He was just, he was going to make me uncomfortable and I was just going to go along with what he was saying. You know what I mean? I think that's what they do.

Like a really good con man will make you uncomfortable and all of a sudden you're going along with what they're saying. Then you start justifying your actions and then you're a part of it and you start telling everybody else how great it is. But a con man is great at what he does. Yeah. Well, this guy wasn't bad at it. He just wasn't stand-up comedian ready.

You know, I've been a stand-up comedian for 23 years. If you're full of shit, I'm going to look at you immediately and go, oh, look at this guy. It's very rare, unless someone's like a real sociopath. It's very rare that I don't think something's wrong immediately socially. And even the sociopaths, there's a natural way of interacting with people that some people just don't possess. They don't possess that because they're fucking crazy. And you can tell pretty quickly when you're talking to someone whether or not they have or haven't. But how disturbing is it when you have friends that don't see that?

And then you wind up... Makes you reevaluate your friendships. But it's not even that they're bad people. Just that, like, hey, knucklehead, you're in a cult. Do you understand you're in a cult? I get that with the damn Amway, man. I get so upset when I find out a true friend is selling Amway all of a sudden. What is Amway exactly?

I don't even know. It's a pyramid scheme. It's like you're a good friend. I trust you. You're a good friend, and here you are trying to sell me on something. And I realize it's not that they were sold. I mean, they're totally blind to this right now. And I'm like, oh, my God.

You fell for this. I feel really bad. But it does make me reevaluate my friendship with this person. I've had to talk John Heffron out of four or five different pyramid schemes. John Heffron will call you every other month for some new thing. Well, all I have to do is invest $20,000 and this is what other guys

have gotten out of this. It's yellow Windex. He always has some new thing he's going to train. I'm going to train businesses how to write jokes and they're going to make their own advertisement and I'm going to do it all in-house. He's always got these wacky ideas. He's doing a lot of these shows where he does conference calls.

We haven't done a podcast in, I don't know, months and then I asked him recently, he's like, yeah, I'm on the road for 17 weeks. And I'm like, are you fucking serious? He's on the road for 17 weeks in in a row oh my god just come home at all i probably a day maybe if at all wow heffron's an animal yeah he's a road animal have you had an episode that that you couldn't show for whatever reason like was there an evidence scene a body or yeah we do get a lot of crime scene situations uh like you'll i mean i personally have not on the

show i mean privately we found a lot right um one of the other guys on there he had one the other day that this guy cory chalmers who's also on hoarders and he went into a job was cleaning the house and they found uh the lady's husband wrapped up in a uh he'd been dead for like five years oh my god she just didn't get around to calling the cops whoa but in her mind, in a hoarder's mind, that makes total sense. Tomorrow I'm going to call. Tomorrow I'm going to do this. And when I talk about that mental violence earlier, it's that mental violence.

There's so much going on in their head that they can't, you know, I had a lady, she told me, it was like her mind is a massive spreadsheet, Excel spreadsheet. And it's as many columns and as many rows as it can go. And she goes, it's not that I can't let go of something. She goes, I have to check it off. And she starts back up at one. So the problem is she might get through 1,000 things in one day

and only 600 of them got checked off. This is all in her mind. But when she wakes up the next morning, she's got to start back at number one. And she's added another 5,000 things on the bottom of the spreadsheet. Her mind is working that hard. So for this lady that, you know, her husband died. She wrapped him in a damn shower curtain

and she's like, okay, I better call. Jesus Christ. And I'm gonna call. And I'm not, this is not bullshit. Like, this is real life, guys. Like, this is what happens in a hoarder's mind. And you don't see it in a half hour show. Like, this is why I'm so, I think it's fascinating like is there a medical term for i mean fucking crazy probably is the town that most people use fucking crazy they're not and i hate that word crazy they're not crazy it's a mental disorder what are you talking about

they're fucking crazy you just said it don't say that there's anything wrong being crazy because i'm crazy i think i think we're all a little crazy. And that's one of the points I try to push. Everyone that I like is crazy. Every single person that I like is crazy. That's a goddamn fact. If you're not, you're boring as shit. They're just nice.

They're crazy and nice. If you're not a little crazy, you haven't done anything. You're boring. And I have no value. Try to tell me Joey Diaz isn't crazy. Try to tell me Duncan isn't crazy. Try to tell me you're not crazy, bitch. Crazy?

You know you're crazy? You stuck me in the room. You gotta fuck it. You're 37 years old. You've got a clock that makes cat noises. I did see a cat clock. Yeah, I've seen a few of those. There's 50 cats in front of you, too. The logo is a cat here.

The old hoarder's joke is, I hate cats so much I won't eat pussy anymore. You just get so sick of it, man pussy anymore. Oh, that's so rude. You just get so sick of it, man. You just haven't had a good cat. Get full bred. Why do you hate cats so much? What is it about it?

The smell, man. The smell just. Well, you're seeing the worst case scenarios, you know. Yeah, I'm associated with hoarding. I mean, cats. Come to my house. My cat's nice. Cats exemplify, for a hoarder, they exemplify easy love.

It's the easiest way to get love. It's easier than investing in a human relationship. Right. And a cat is a survivor. Cats will scrap to any level. They will not die. For a cat to die naturally, a human couldn't live to that extreme. Do cats eat other cats?

Absolutely. Oh, Jesus. The minute a cat dies, the other guy's going to eat you. Whoa. Totally. So we'll find a bunch of their eyes are eating out. Whoa. Their intestines are all eating out. Cats are scrapping, man man they're just trying to eat oh my god so that's

like it changes it for you yeah like we had an animal expert tell me one time she's like you know when a cat's up there licking your face when you're asleep it's wait it's it's literally waiting for your last breath it's not it doesn't love you it's not there to hang out with you it's there to fucking kill you how many people get eaten by their cats after they die is that like super common i'm sure there's i'm sure there's a bunch i don't know i bet it is pretty common right someone like dogs also though dogs do that as well to eat people when they die yeah absolutely if a dog's left in an apartment by with only you to eat they're gonna eat you it goes back to it goes back to my boy ronnie i mean you got to do what you got to do to survive. Yeah.

Cats are going to do the same thing. Animals will do it. So are people, man. You got to do what you got to do. And when you're pushed to that limit, you got to do what you got to do. Yeah, remind me not to piss that guy off. Dude, you know what? He stays in solitary for five years thinking about kicking a dude's ass. I did Stern the other day, and he was like, man, you must be a really tough guy.

And I was like, nope, my guys are. I'm not. I was like, I've never thrown a punch in my life, but I don't have to because I got some really tough dudes behind me. If you're a douchebag, most of the time you're never going to have to hit anybody. If you're not a douchebag, rather. You know, at one time. If you're a nice person, how often is it really going to come up?

I don't think. I mean, I hope never. Yeah, most likely. I mean, someone else. My wife's going to fucking hit me before someone else gets a chance does she throw she would yeah she's a tough girl she's a very tough girl now you were in the ditch you got beat up by this fucking guy now how do you go from that to cleaning crazy people's houses up you'll laugh for me i actually i wanted to i really enjoy old people i think their stories

are fascinating and so i actually wanted to start a senior relocation business, which is moving old ladies. I was like, that'll be neat. You get to sit down with them, sort through their stuff, hear their stories. For me, it was the grief thing. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You were seeking out the stories of old ladies?

Yes, they're fascinating. Old ladies that their husbands have died in the war. They never got remarried. They have all this cool shit. Their stories are fascinating. Really? Amazing. I always thought that'd be a cool podcast

just to have one old lady from a neighborhood each week to just come in that would depress the fuck out of me no like this one lady one lady down the street from me I was talking I was helping her

clean her garage out and her husband had died and we were and he had just died of Alzheimer's it was really sad and we started talking and I realized

she had a tattoo on her wrist some numbers and I was like so she was in a concentration camp she was a college kid in a concentration camp. She was in a concentration camp. And I was like, do you mind me asking about that? And she's like, oh, sure. And she starts talking, and she clearly describes the dude.

I mean, her husband, her father, it's ironic. Her father and her brother died in the concentration camps. But she met her husband there in a concentration camp. Wow. They get to America. They re-find each other in America. They have 50 years together, all together. He dies of Alzheimer's. She said,

I could pick out the guy, the U.S. soldier that opened the door to the box they were in. She goes, I can see the day we were saved. It was about a 30-minute story explaining this guy. She's the minute that I realized we were free. Those stories to me are fucking

amazing. Amazing. And then she was upset because her husband died from Alzheimer's. And she's like, I mean, this 80-year-old lady basically saying to me, fuck Alzheimer's. I mean, we beat Hitler and we beat everything. And now this damn disease takes my husband. And it was a very honest and very just fascinating moment.

And so for me, I love shit like that. And so that's why I wanted to hang out with old ladies. Like my generation, I ain't going i love shit like that and so that's why i want to hang out the ladies like i'm not my generation i ain't gonna have anything like that man like that's i mean she saw cars she saw like you know i mean bathrooms did she talk you know yeah she talked about anything she was if you ask they will talk but they're not gonna they're not pretentious like us they're just they're not gonna tell you shit you ask, they will answer. So when did you get into this hobby of talking to old ladies about the past? Always. It's kind of trippy. My grandpa always got me.

It makes sense. I think they're fascinating. I think it's interesting. I'm not a big reader. I'm a listener. That's why podcasts are so good for me. I love listening to stuff. I love fascinating stories.

I lived actually the first year out of college. My mom moved to England,, I lived in my mom. My mom moved to England, so I lived in her apartment, and it was in a retirement community. So my first year out of college, I was the only dude under, like, 60. Did any of them try to bang you? One guy did. A guy did?

No, I'm kidding. How much did he pay you? $100, $100. Now, it was, you know, I... So you went from that? Well, I went, and I tried, yeah. And the it was, you know, I. So you went from that? Well, I went and I tried, yeah. And the thing was, yeah, in my town, there was an old, there was a business that was very, very good at senior relocation. And I could never beat them.

I couldn't compete against them. So for me, it was totally a business decision. I went to this competitor and I said, what do you not do? She goes, we won't clean the messy ones. And I was like, well, that's what I'm going to do. Whoa. And so it was strictly, I couldn't beat this woman in business the lady that owned the bigger company so i had to just do what she didn't do wow how clever are you that's a

pragmatic dude my grandpa was always he just said you find out what no one wants to do and then do that and they'll pay you a lot of money your grandfather and your father gave you the fucking worst advice ever i think it's great but it was great advice yeah but they're like listen kid you're not good looking you fucking do what nobody else is willing to do you know what i'm glad i found that out at 14 and not at 44 i know but it's so funny that's kind of broken to say to your son like like you're gonna be ugly listen my jeans suck so do yours let's get past that pretty much That's rude He's like, it is what it is, let's move on Get on strategy on what you can do

So do you have a lot of self-confidence issues because of this? No, I'm very confident Yeah, he was telling you earlier I mean, no, about your looks If you're interested in my looks, you totally missed the point Like, I'm not handsome See, look, right there You said you're not handsome

why don't you think you're a very handsome man well thank you you're not a bad looking dude but I think you're not freakishly ugly no but I think what I

that's all you need you look clean cut and nice have a great personality and don't be freakishly ugly yeah you'll be fine I've never I did fine

I've never gone without a nice looking woman and they were never attracted to my looks they were attracted to my confidence and what I do. What I actually do for people. You should be in a Tom Cruise movie. He could be in Magnolia. He could be like one of the guys

that Tom Cruise created. I don't know how tall Tom Cruise is but I hear that I'm like five foot two so he might be bigger than that. Well let me tell you you're a lot fucking bigger than I thought you were going to be. Okay that sounds weird. No that's not a lame way. He's got thickness to it.

Because I'm so excited to see you, man. They're like girth to that. Yeah, I was really excited to talk to you, man. For sure. Is this the kind of stuff you wanted to talk about? I mean, I hope. Oh, anything, man. I get blown away by this stuff.

I'm fascinated by your past, for sure. I love the stories of people feeling that they were going crazy and then pulling themselves out i've i've been really lucky with my addictions in the past but i i certainly know that i'm susceptible that's why i stay away from video games i've never really gambled yeah the only thing i've ever gambled on was uh playing pool and i was never good enough to win any money or to be like a threat you know like it was it was always old school pool hall guys are dangerous oh yeah yeah yeah but i knew like what i'm saying is i knew what i was capable of so i don't have a big enough ego to get roped in one of the ways that guys get roped in is uh you'll play a guy and he'll barely

lose to you and then he'll start trying to raise the stakes or he'll barely beat you and you think that you think you're away you're ahead and you think you can get back at him and then he drags you into this deep water and then all of a sudden he starts running out, and then he starts playing perfect pool, and you're like, what the fuck just happened? Oh, you just got hustled. He pretended to be a certain level, and really he was much better than that.

I was always real aware that I wasn't that good, so you couldn't do that to me. I knew exactly how good I was at all times. Your bullshit detector is greater than your urge to gamble. Well, yeah, yeah. You got a bigger high off of calling that guy out than you did off of beating him. Well, yeah, not even just calling him out,

just being aware that someone's busting moves. Being aware that there's some fuckeries going down. Yeah, but I go back to the self-worth. I think everything in life is about trying to get self-worth, trying to get attention, and like, me, me, but that's, I go back to the self-worth. Like, I think everything in life is about trying to get self-worth, trying to get attention and like, what am I,

me, me, me, me, me. And so for you, you got more credit in your own head for calling that guy out and figuring out the situation than you would have for beating him.

Probably. I never thought of it that way. I always just thought of it as like a natural survival instinct. Well, yeah, I mean, it's, you know, like you could, you could,

I mean, like in a fight, I always say there's a fight, I always say it's one thing to quit and it's another to strategically stop. If I'm fighting one of your buddies, that's not quitting. That's strategically stopping. I know I'm going to die if I don't stop. If I just run away. Well, the idea of saying don't quit is really stupid because that means one guy is going to probably beat the other guy to death. Is that really necessary? I mean, how mad are you at somebody? I mean, I can understand if someone's

trying to kill you and you're using self-defense, using martial arts, and you beat someone to death. I understand that. Some guy tries to rob you and he pulls a knife on you and you get the knife away from that guy and you beat him to death, I'm with you. I'm on your side. 100%. But that's not what you want to do most of the time when you get in a fight with someone. You're just mad. You don't want to beat anybody to death. It's never not what you want to do. Most of the time you get in a fight with someone that you're just mad.

You know, you don't want to beat anybody. It's never the guy you're beating up. So there's a good time to, there's a good time to stop and say, you're sorry. And when a dude's fucking pounding on you and that guy should let you go and you should, you should say you're sorry.

And that guy should let you go and everybody should be cool about it. And that's how it should go down. You know, that's the correct way is to quit. To me, it's always a balance of like, how do you, how do you get that self-worth that you give yourself credit for it?

Yeah. And then you move on. Don't get in arguments where you're right but the other guy can kick your ass. Yeah. Oh, dude, you're totally right. Don't get in those arguments, man. That's not – especially if you think it might get physical. But I don't know.

Human conflict, man. It would be a lot better if uh most people knew how to fight it's like i i feel um i'm not a big fan of gun control and i feel especially in this day and age that there are so many guns out there that for you to try to say that guns shouldn't be available for civilians to me seems preposterous it seems to me that you know you can't control the population in periods of civil unrest we know that's true seems to me that you can't control the population in periods of civil unrest. We know that's true.

We know that you're saying that a family should be completely vulnerable in cases where things go terribly wrong, with home invasions and things along those lines. Fuck you. That's ridiculous. I'm not a big fan of that. But you personally, do you have guns? Yes.

Yes, I have guns, yeah. But I'm also not a fan of shooting people. I don't think you should go around killing people if you don't have to. But someone stepping in to tell you that you shouldn't have guns, you shouldn't be able to protect yourself. Yeah, it's not having the right to do it. And you can take that across anywhere. Yeah, for sure.

I don't want to have an abortion, but I don't want to not have the right to either. Not to get into that. Are you Preggers? Yeah, I am Preggers. It's been the first trial. I don't even remember how we got on the subject of guns. What were we talking about when we got on the subject of guns? It's a passionate issue.

Yeah, and I try not to get into politics ever. It's not even a politics thing to me. It's a personal liberty. I am not a fan of anyone coming along and telling you what to do. As long as what you're doing is not hurting me and not fucking up the environment, you're not polluting the world, you're not killing puppies, go have fun. That comes up in hoarding a lot. They're like, just leave me alone.

I'm happy. Just let me be. We're happy to tuck in diapers. Yeah, but I'm like, you live in, I just took 45,000 pounds of shit out of your house. Your own shit. How do you weigh it like that? Do you put it in sacks? Yeah, by the ton. It's by in, I just took 45,000 pounds of shit out of your house. Your own shit. How do you weigh it like that? Do you put it in sacks? Yeah, by the ton.

It's by the, it's the dumpster. Did you really pull off 45,000 pounds of human shit? Yeah, that's only 20 tons. I mean, that's, that's like what? Do these people just don't like toilets? 45,000 pounds of human shit in a guy's house? That doesn't even make sense to me. I'm not even registering that.

That's like three of these rooms full. Like to the roof. Wow. I mean, it's a lot of shit though. I mean, think how big your shit is. How much of that would it take to fill this? 45,000 pounds of shit. It's years. I mean, it's commitment. I always say it's commitment. It's 10 years. What does that smell for the neighborhood? It's a very...

You smell it. I mean, it's a very citrusy... It's very orange. Avocado? It's like orange chocolate. You know those orange... Is this guy got an orchard in his yard?'s a very citrusy it's very orange chocolate it's very citrusy orange chocolate smell coming out breaks down to be more orangey chocolatey that's crazy for real are you being orangey so it doesn't even smell bad not to me but the urine is what throws me off. The urine will just fucking kill anything. Bird shit is the worst.

Urate. They don't actually, it's not actually shit. It's like an acid. It's called urate. Urate. I had a lady that did a, she was a parrot hoarder. Oh, God. Man, that was disgusting.

Oh, my God. A parrot hoarder. That's dangerous. This is a Cullen Brothers movie, man. Oh, man. I mean, I've seen it all, man. This was a great story. She had like 86 birds.

Oh, my God. And I had to take them. I had to transport them to a hotel for the vet to look at them. And so these are, I mean, this is her life, right? Fascinating woman. Like, we thought she was a bitch. Like, she was just so angry. And she loved these birds.

At some point, her husband was in a wheelchair. And he couldn't, he was just so angry and she loved these birds to the point her husband was in a wheelchair and he couldn't, he was ready to come home from the hospital but he couldn't come to the home because of all the stuff. And we're like, what a bitch. You know,

like, what a horrible person. And so, the first night, we transport all the birds to the hotel and I'm driving a U-Haul, I'll never forget this,

I'm driving a U-Haul through Seattle. Like, this is two years ago. I mean, I just, and I was still making 12 bucks an hour

cleaning up shit at home. And I'm like, I mean, was like i would i think i did it for 500 bucks the whole show like a whole episode and i was like 500 bucks is more than i've made in a year you know so i was so excited driving to u-haul with 86 birds i get to the vet and i only have 84 birds two of them died in transport oh geez and lady, this is her life, right? Later we found out as we cleaned more and more she refused to talk to me. We have a therapist on set always

to make sure that their mental health is just as strong as their physical health. And the more, the therapist and I started talking, I was like,

I don't think she likes men, period. And the more I found out, it turns out her husband beat the shit out of her. And that's why she had built this wall. She didn't want to

clean the house up. So he didn't, he was coming back from the hospital, she didn't want him She didn't want to clean the house up. So he was coming back from the hospital. She didn't want him to come back. She didn't want him coming because he was going to beat the shit out of her again. And so we were like, we're done.

So we didn't clean the house. We left it messy for her because at that point, the worst thing we could do for her was clean her house. Right. And we really slowed down drastically. We just cleaned the garage

because I didn't want to get him in the house. Bummer when you see people completely fucked up. I mean, it does make you feel better about your own life. I'll say that. You realize. because I don't want to get them in the house. Bummer when you see people completely fucked up. It does make you feel better about your own life. I'll say that. You realize. And that's why people watch our show. Well, people watch your show for the water cooler talk.

Oh, yeah. You sit around the water and go, did you fucking see the cats? When you hear about 45,000 pounds of shit, do you actually show the shit? Yeah, you see me picking it up. Yeah, you see me shoveling it. Shoveling human shit. You show the dead cats with fucking holes on them cats is one thing you very rarely see human shit on tv

though they'll show i mean they'll show it smeared against the wall there's one shot of me on the internet where i'm literally i'm just sitting there like pointing at a diaper and there's shit smeared all behind the wall behind me i was like wow i can't believe they put that on there oh my god people posted all over facebook and everything. Well, you guys are on A&E, right? We're A&E, Monday nights at 9. A&E has, it's cable. And cable's not subject to FCC regulations. A lot of people don't know that.

That's why shows like The Shield got away with being so crazy. And Louis, Louis C.K. show. It gets away with being so crazy. They're not really, people think that only HBO is allowed to swear. Really, cable's allowed to swear. They're not really it's people think that only like HBO is a lot of swear really cables a lot of swear they're not really regulated by the FCC because they're a pay service we edit out a lot on orders obviously there's a lot of stuff we don't show I'm sure would you like to show it yeah I mean if it was my show I would change it up a little bit like what I would get more into this I mean I would get into the like instead of showing a before and

after I would put a half hour on the decision to shit in the urban. Make it an hour show. Whoa. Yeah. Like, let's really dig into how bad is your life. And don't sugarcoat that you got raped by your uncle. Like, just fucking say it. Like, I didn't know how bad physical and sexual abuse is in this country.

Like, it's rampant still, man. I had no idea. And, like, let's get into it and, like, let's not. I mean, we show a lot. That's what's the cause of all this horror stuff? A lot of the time, if you see shit on the wall, man. I had no idea. And like, let's get into it and let's not. I mean, we show a lot. That's what's the cause of all this horror stuff? A lot of times. If you see shit on the wall, they got raped as a kid. I mean, it's awful.

Now I walk into a house, I'll be like, oh, who raped you? Your uncle or your dad? Well, I did that one time and the lady's like, oh, it was my uncle. How'd you know? And I was like, oh, fuck. That's real. Wow. I mean, it was a joke almost.

It was a bad joke, but it was a joke. That's how you crack jokes when you go over people's houses. You stare at their smeared shit. Who raped you? Here's the deal. almost a bad joke but it was a joke that's how you crack jokes and you go over people's houses you're always taking a leap of faith with a rape joke but i've found out that's gonna be someone's signature on a message board oh god you're always gonna take a leap i'm always embarrassed when they post that stuff because amy doesn't listen to the podcast and so like i'll get it someone will post that you know they'll post it's always take a leap of faith on a rape joke listen i'm just praying that any of the podcasts deal with that

on uh on nbc i don't give a fuck you just don't give a shit i give it a hundred percent i don't give a fuck sauce yeah at this point i'm i am who i am you know if you if you don't know you're getting involved i'm a good person i'm a nice guy but i'm honest what i mean i i mean i'm i don't hold it back i'm brutally honest I am there to help them. I will do it in a different style. Yeah. I mean, I will always. You should be able to say whatever you want on your message board, on a blog, on a video.

They definitely police it a little bit, but they're pretty good with me. They're pretty good to me. Well, your stories are so fascinating. I mean, no one should put any restrictions on you. You have the best intentions in mind. Oh, I ended my day. I want to help you. I want to help someone,

period. But when you hear a guy like you talk about how there was one point in time you're thinking about sucking a dick for money, I mean, that's... I ain't the first guy

that thought that. Of course you're not. Of course you're not. And it's important. It's important when someone meets a guy like you and sees you got your shit together.

That's a good lesson for someone to learn. My wife doesn't love that story. I bet she doesn't, man. I bet she doesn't. But hey, I mean, it's reality. It doesn't make you gay. I bet she doesn't, man. I bet she doesn't. But hey, I mean, it's reality.

It doesn't make you gay. It means you were fucking desperado. I think once you suck a dick, that makes you gay. For sure? Yes. What if a guy sucks your dick?

I, um... Yeah. You think so? I don't know. There was a guy that came back from Iraq. I mean, I've had a lot. I've had some women

that were pretty awful that sucked my dick. Really? They were like manly? Just gross. Disgusting. Disgusting. But they're still feminine. I've had some women that were pretty awful that sucked my dick. Really? They were like manly? Just gross. Disgusting. Disgusting. But they're still feminine.

They still had double X chromosome. Yeah, but that's it. I mean, that's all. I mean, technically they were. So you're not proud of that? You would be more proud of that than a guy sucking your dick or no? I mean, getting your dick sucked is getting your dick sucked. I mean, I'm not worried about that.

I'm never worried about the quality of the dick sucking when it's happening. No, I could give a shit. I'm very concerned with the quality. There's nothing worse than a horrendous... No, Mary. A horrendous blowjob is a terrible thing. No one should have to suffer through that.

I don't know that I've ever had it. Well, I did have one bad one. How could you not have one bad one? I had one bad one, and she was like... What kind of life are you living? And she thought it was like... She thought, I mean, not as good as... If you haven't had one crazy blow, at least... I had one bad one and she was like. What kind of life are you living? She thought it was like she thought, I mean, not as good as that. If you haven't had one crazy blow, at least

a few shitty ones. She was like she thought she was great. Clearly people told her she was wonderful and it was clearly not. What was she doing wrong? Too much biting and too much teeth. It's all about too much teeth. That's all it is. Who likes teeth? Is there a guy out there that likes you to bite his dick? No, but the second I feel teeth, it's game over.

I always say if you're thinking teeth, think finger in the asshole. It's easier. Finger nail in the asshole. When you go to your house, is your house now super... Trust me on that. Say that again. If you're out there and you're gonna suck some guy's dick, talking to the ladies,

don't bite it. Don't bite it. Just play with his asshole instead. Play with his asshole instead. You'll be much, very uncomfortable. You'll be much happier. Fingernails and assholes. I'm not asking you to do that. I'm saying, I'm giving advice to the ladies.

That's what you like. Yes, that's what I like. If you're giving me a blowjob, which you're not. Touch his butthole, please. Touch my butthole. Wow. Touch his butthole. There you go.

This is amazing. Now you know. Now you know. Homeboy's honest. So when you go to your A&E right now, the fucking switchboards are lighting up. Do you know that Mac Pastney he's asking people to play

with his butthole. Do you know that. He represents your network. Do you know that. Hey I bet you 18 to 24 would prefer that. 18 to 24.

Yeah the age. Is that the good age demographic. Apparently that's what it is. 18 to 49 is where the money is right. It's male 18 to 49 they spend the most money. You? I don't. It's male, 18 to 49,

they spend the most money. You know who spends the most money? Gay dudes. Most of them don't have kids. Dinks. Dinks do? Dual income, no kids. That's what we call them.

Oh, that's what you call them? Dinks. Yeah, dual income, no kids. Ton of money, man. In marketing, that's what we call them. Are you allowed to be... That's not a derogatory mark. That's a fact.

Do gay guys feel uncomfortable about that? Dink sounds like... Gay guys don't care about us. It sounds like twink. They're having a good time. Gay guys can give a shit about the rest of the world. Gay guys are happy.

They're enjoying their life. They don't care about what everybody else thinks. That's a big generalization. It is. I bet there's a lot of gay guys with a gun in their mouth right now that disagree with you. I actually have a lot of buddies that are gay, and they don't have time to think about us. They're just out sucking dick. Yeah, they're fucking nailing it all day.

When you go to your house, is your house spotless? Do you own a spoon that's in a glass case? Everybody asks that. Hand sanitizers on every wall. I was. My wife and I were extremely just anal retentive. We're too young. We have a two-year-old and a five-month-old.

You can't control that. They just take over your house. I try to teach my kid to put the legos in the right place and the books in the right place and i had developed this whole system it's bullshit i mean two-year-old is a two-year-old he doesn't care so i've just had to accept like i'm gonna have kids and i'm gonna see how it is what it is how do people who have kids become crazy germaphobes how is that even possible protecting when you have you have kids like i. Howie Mandel is a very nice guy. Always liked Howie. I used to see him a lot in L.A.

I'd always see him at a restaurant with John Mendoza. There's one restaurant they frequent at. Super nice guy. Couldn't be a nicer guy. But, you know, he's got that crazy thing about cleaning his hands. He can't even give you a fist bump, man. He stopped giving fist bumps? He doesn't do them anymore.

He can't do them. I have a buddy that met him and they said he did the elbow. Oh, my God. He gives an elbow. He used to give fist bumps? He doesn't do them anymore. He can't do them. I have a buddy that met him, and he said he did the elbow. Oh, my God. Or he'll just – He's just like – He used to give fist bumps. Can't shake a hand to save his life. No, he won't shake a hand.

Well, my friend was looking at his house, went to his house that's for sale. Great house. It's perfectly clean. Yeah. And he didn't know that it was Howie Mandel's house. He didn't know. They didn't have any family pictures on the wall. So he saw that big hand?

No. Then he figured it out? No. That was like a glove that he would put over his face. It wasn't big, though. It looked like a chicken. It was a balloon. He would blow it up with his nose air.

You remember? Yeah. Well, he went into his closet, and it was filled with hand sanitizers. It was like a whole closet. And it'll wear your skin down. Yeah, that much alcohol. And his wife goes, I stopped breathing for a second. It was like I'd seen something scary.

Like I just looked at madness. I just went, huh. And then they left. They're like, thank you, thank you, gotta go. Like they knew they couldn't buy the house. No different from a hoarder's mentality, except they're so focused on the messy side, the OCD, and a lot of hoarding, believe it or not.

How do you cure a guy like Howie Mandel? What would you do? You don't. He's done. Let him live his life, man. Jesus Christ. You would upset him so much by trying to change him. By making him shake hands.

Just let him be, man. Oh, my God. He's fine. I mean, it's strange. Well, his wife doesn't ever have to worry about him cheating. He's never going to go anywhere. We never put his dick in here. No way.

I saw him at Caesars. I saw him at Caesars. He's never going to leave. He, I mean, he worked a crowd. Like, he could always pull people from the whole audience. And he'd give these callbacks from an hour ago. Yeah. You know, and he was just so good.

Oh, he's hilarious. God, he was good, man. Dude, I saw. I was a kid. I mean, I was 24 when I saw this. I was blown away by him. I saw Howie Mandel. I've seen a bunch of his different specials.

But I had one that I was passing around to a bunch of my friends when I was like, I guess I was probably like 19 or 20. I don't think I even started comedy yet, and Howie Mandel was hilarious. It was really funny. How did you make that decision? I'm going to do comedy. Like what? I got talked into it. I had a bunch of friends that I used to do martial arts with and make them laugh in the locker room, stuff like that.

You were always funny. Not really. I just would see funny shit. a bunch of friends that I used to do martial arts with and make them laugh in the locker room, stuff like that. You were always funny. Not really. I just would see funny shit. Most of the time I wasn't funny, but then when I would see something funny, it would be pretty funny. When you're the type of person who's sort of anti-bullshit and you look for bullshit everywhere you go, when you realize that someone's not calling this bullshit, you almost feel obligated to.

You almost feel like, hey, what is this? And a lot of times when you do that, it's funny. The truth is funny. Yeah, and that's what I realized early on. There were certain things that I would say that would get laughs because they were honest, and then I would play on it. I mean, I knew you from, of course, I knew you from Fear Factor, but I knew you from that radio, was it Talk Radio? It was Radio, yeah. By the way, if you think back on it, what knew you from, of course I knew you from Fear Factor, but I knew you from that radio,

was it Talk Radio? News Radio, yeah. By the way, if you think back on it, what an amazing cast. That was a great show. Jesus Christ. If there's anything that I've ever been super lucky at in this life, there's a lot of things, but one of them was News Radio. How old were you?

I mean, that was... I was 26, I think. God. It was when it first started. I think I was 25 or 26. Maybe 27. That's the latest. I knew you from that.

It was, yeah, it was 1994. God, that was a great show. That's the latest. I knew you from that. Yeah. It was 1994. God, it was a great show. That was a great show. Dude, I had no acting experience other than a couple episodes of this other show that was on Fox. Then all of a sudden, I'm working with Phil Hartman. Hartman. I remember sitting there at the table read.

I mean, you just keep going through. Jesus. Yeah. And Maura Tierney was such a good actress. You'd be doing scenes with her. She's the hot one that you don't even know her name? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. She would be doing scenes, and. She's the hot one that you don't even know her name? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She would be doing scenes, and you would forget that you're in a scene. Like, you'd go, oh, oh, you're acting. Like, whoa. You just turned so into it. She was so good at it. She was so good at it, she could just snap it on. She had, like, this intense, like, acting focus.

It was pretty shocking. So I heard you. I always saw you on that show. Then, of course, saw you on Fear Factor. Then the Man Show. And, like, you know, all of that stuff. And then I heard you one time randomly on Sirius. I was driving cross country.

And it was a, I think it was Raw Dog. And it was one of your just bits about an old Texas oil tycoon. Oh, Anna Nicole Smith. Anna Nicole Smith. That was the funniest. I almost pissed myself. There's a couple of bad versions of it out there. And it was so honest, though.

Did you ever record that? If you find that on YouTube, no. It's on my CD. If you find it on YouTube, there's a shit version of it. You should do a gold version of it. You should rewrite it. I don't even think it goes anymore. This was live, and you were just fucking going with it.

And you were clearly just, the people in the audience were digging it, and so you just kept going more and more and more. It was a crazy bit. It was a long one. It was a good 20-minute story, and it was the funniest. I mean, I had never laughed so hard in a car ride. And that would have been like, holy shit. You gotta put that on it. No, it's on my first CD. Yeah, if you go to

I'm Gonna Be Dead Someday is my first CD. It's on that one. And I'm not trying to pump you up, but the point of it was, it was the brutal launch because it was funny because it was fucking true yeah well my my point was you know people were like oh this poor guy he's old and he's rich and she's gonna take him for his money and my point was like don't you think he knows he's clearly where he got right years old he made a billion dollars from scratch you, chances are he's a tad crafty. I'm dying with double Ds in my face, and I'm fine with it. He was just having to do all this crazy shit to him before he died.

It was fun. It was a fun bit. That was a Mitzi Shore hater bit. God. Mitzi Shore hated that bit. Mitzi Shore used to tell me, stop doing that. That was the funniest thing I've ever heard. Yeah.

Mitzi Shore used to hate dudes. When I used to do jokes about old men. She's the girl from. Creepy old men. She's a woman who owned the comedy store. Okay. She would never. Oh, Pauly Shore's mom. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell me used to do jokes about old men. She's the girl from. Creepy old men. She's a woman who owns the comedy store. Okay. She would never. Oh, probably she was mom.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell me never to do those jokes. Stop doing that. There's that one and a bit about Hugh Hefner. She didn't like that one either. You know, I've found like when I'll go to pitch A&E, I'll go to pitch A&E an idea about a new show or something. Right.

And like this one guy's like, that's a horrible idea. Don't ever tell anyone that idea again. Whoa. That's always the best idea I've found. If an executive says it sucks, go digital and do it because it'll fucking kill you. I had an idea once that I pitched over the phone and the guy actually said, you're kidding, right? Did you waste my time with this? And I was like, wow, all right.

I guess you didn't like my idea. I pitched over the phone. He was like, I go, I have this idea for a show. It's just a silly idea, but it's a comedy, and it's about these girls that work at a bikini pizza place in the day called Pizza Sluts, and at night they fight crime, and they're super hot chicks that are recruited by the police force and trained to infiltrate into areas where other cops could never get. Because people would never believe that these hot girls were actually secret agents.

These pizza sluts were actually secret agents. Yeah. Why did they have to work at the pizza place? They had a full-time job, though. Well, because they had to have a cover, bro. It's all part of their cover. And you get a chance to see them in their underwear. This is a smart comedy.

And a fucking dude was mad at me this is chuck i pitched it the dude was mad it was a long time ago by the way and the dude was mad at me i was like i think that would be a silly show like you don't think there could be a like a ton of jokes you know what like that you'd get two million viewers yeah just too many it was just completely over the top come on man have you ever pitched something just to fuck with somebody no have you waste time if you do sometimes yeah like yeah i mean because this is not at first this was i took i mean like i i make my money helping people right and i make my my real money is made on speeches like i go to do motivational speeches at colleges teaching kids to get their shit together

and stop being basically stop being a whiny little bitch. It's this entitlement by college kids. Colleges really like me coming in. I do an hour speech and then a half-hour Q&A, and then I'll do a live podcast. It's great. For me, that's amazing money. It changes our family's life. Now it's like if I can do TV, great.

If I don't, that's fine too. I'd like to do it, but I'll have an idea. I had an idea of a hoarder road trip. I just wanted to take a bunch of hoarders in a Winnebago, take them cross-country, and make them clean up someone else's house. That's a good idea. I think it'd be fascinating. Take them cross-country. At first, it was a joke, but then the more I started pitching it, I was like,

actually, I actually dig this. The first time, I was just trying to piss off the executive because he had sat on my pilot for a year. I was just mad at him. He sat on a pilot? I've done two pilots, and I sat on a pilot i did i've done two pilots and i didn't realize this is everyone's done 10 pilots it is what it is don't worry about it i was devastated because my first pilot didn't make show really yeah i was devastated devastated i was like this is gonna i mean i i really i put all my eggs in that basket and i was just emotionally and i

was like this is so important that i get this show and by the time the network and the production company and everybody got done with it was a shitty show and I didn't want to do it And I was like praying that it wouldn't get picked up But then when it didn't get picked up I got all upset I got I got personal with it, and I just I've learned now it is what it is. It's just business It's it's really hard to be on a show and watch it Fall apart because too many people have their input and they fuck with it. And I had no input. Yeah. You know, and it was like, my name's on this.

My company's name is on it and it doesn't. I mean, I. Well, executives always think, they always think that they have a way to tweak it and to make it better. I'm not. Yeah. I'm not saying I'm brilliant or anything. I was just, I was personally upset.

I think that, you know, the collaborative effort, like a real true creative collaborative effort only works with people who respect each other creatively, like people who actually are proven to be creative. In order to bring someone like an executive into a creative meeting, are you a creative person? Do you write a lot? I mean, are you going to have good ideas? Or is this like an ego bullshit thing here?

A lot of times it is. You want to put your greasy fingerprints on this and add your little ingredients to the soup. That's what a lot of it is. And I got, I mean, with hoarders, there's there's no writing i mean we turn the cameras on and shit happens yeah and that's it it's pretty easy your show no i don't i'm just talent on that how many different dudes are quarter cleaners we've got well there's two really left i mean there's a lot of people that that try to do it but and it's like a hit show right oh yeah i mean

i'm you know i say i'm the number one trash man in the country and a and e has no problem with you doing all your other stuff or they just never even signed me to con i don't name it on a contract you're not on a contract i'm week to week whoa it's crazy that's got to be annoying i'm the number one guy on you know their number two show it amazes me i'm fine i don't want a contract now like if i was a contract i couldn't come do this do this. You said it best the other day on your podcast. You go, I'm doing what I should be doing. You're doing it right now. And I'm there, man.

My podcast, I'm doing. I wrote a book. Had a great run with my book. I'm helping a lot of families with my book. It's called Secret Lives of Hoarders. So you're just happy to keep moving in a positive direction and keep working. I clean up shit for $12 an hour. I'm happy to be working period

like i'm lucky to have work i i can afford all my groceries and my mortgage in the same month i'm lucky like that's awesome so i'm not i'm not i hope i'm if i ever i would say if i ever get pretentious or think i'm i'm fancy i mean kick me in the nuts you know you want to talk about a job that must keep you grounded in the possibilities of reality. Not necessarily your reality, but the possibilities. That's what we came with five decisions away. Because back to when we finished it. That bum sitting in the yard, I asked him how he got there.

And he goes, oh, I was a stockbroker. And I was like, get out of here. And I'm like, he's either he's full of shit or this is real. So I went with it. And I was like, what do you mean you were a stockbroker? starting he goes i was a stockbroker and a girl broke my heart and i go you're telling me you're living in this guy's yard because a girl broke your heart he goes well i got addicted to crack too but the girl broke my heart and i was like yeah the crack might have something to do with it yeah but he lived in a fucking shack and so i looked at the camera and I go, I guess we are all really

five decisions away from shitting in a bucket. Yeah. Wow. And that just stuck. And when I said that, people ran with it. And I'm clearly,

I've had many five decisions away from shitting in a bucket. And I mean, a couple things different happened and my life could have been totally different. Yeah. It might not even be five.

It could be one if it's a bad one. I mean, I've peed in Mountain Dew cans in my car. Yeah. So that's just to skip the exit. I missed once, and I was trying to get my dick into the hole,

but of course I have a very fat head. It's very dominant. And your hole's huge. Even the Mountain Dew Big Mouth? The hole wasn't a Mountain Dew, actually. It was a Pepsi bottle, and I was trying to get it in there, and I fucking sprayed it because I was kind of holding it back, and then I sprayed it all over my fucking pants.

I pissed all over my leg, dude, before i finally got it going in the bottle this is only a year ago by the way i shit myself this is like a couple weeks ago 15 first year driving no it's a year ago i didn't tell you about this i fucking shit myself the other day well i i i did one of those farts where i'm working and it just went like like that and but i thought it felt like a fart and then i reached down and just like itch my ass and it just went like that. But I thought it felt like a fart. And then I reached down and just to like itch my ass, and it was really wet and creamy. And I pulled out just baby diaper shit all over my hand. Wait a minute.

You reached down to claw at your ass? Like I went to itch my asshole, you know? You went to itch your asshole? I'm with him on that. Yeah, yeah. And then I pulled out my – You itch your raw asshole on a regular basis and then just go around touching your keyboard, your mouse. Never itch from the inside. Always itch from the outside. No, no, yeah. You itch your raw asshole on a regular basis and then just go around touching your keyboard, your mouse. Never itch from the inside. Always itch from the outside.

No, no, no. I'm never touching your fucking doorknob again. No, no, no. I'm not talking like I went deep in my asshole. I'm talking like right above my asshole. Okay, it was creamy shit all over that. It was creamy shit everywhere. I don't believe you just dabble over the top.

I think he goes right in the asshole. No, I don't. Why would I do that? That's disgusting. But it was so bad, and I didn't even know. Wow, you goes right in. No, I don't. Why would I do that? That's disgusting. But it was so bad and I didn't even know. Wow, you got a numb ass. You got a problem. Do you think it's mostly... You're getting raped by ghosts in the night.

No, but do you think when this shit happens, do you think it's because you're trying to force a fart out so bad? It could be your diet. I feel like if I just don't... I try to force farts out. I try to make them loud as possible and fast as possible. I had a thing about this. I always said, like, when most nine out of ten times,

your asshole has your back. It'll back you up, and it'll say, eh, no, it's a fart. You know, the last second, that's shit, and it catches it. Right. And I was like, I wish your asshole would do that, like, in other parts of your life. Right. You know, like, when you're going to fuck the fat girl at 3 o'clock in the morning, and your asshole's like, hey, hold on a second, buddy, wait.

I wish. Your asshole can't hold back the liquid. That's what I morning. Your asshole's like, wait a second, buddy. Wait. I wish. Your asshole can't hold back the liquid. That's what I find. When it's liquid and you feel that, oh, oh, oh, it's coming too fast. Your asshole sends alarms up. Yeah, this was liquid. What's this?

Yeah. Yeah. It's your diet, probably. But that's the first time in three years maybe that's happened. Since I've been drinking these kale shakes on a regular basis, I've never had more. Kale shakes? Yeah. Jesus. Kale by itself will fucking just destroy you yeah it's really good for you oh i know yeah it um there's a vitamix i throw cucumbers kale

celery um a one pair a big chunk of ginger and four or five cloves of garlic you're gonna i mean you're gonna lose five pounds a day of shit no clean out your stomach. It's the exact way, but you feel great. You do? Yeah. Oh, man. It feels like... I'm talking to the wrong guy.

I've been talking to Montel about helping me out with shakes and stuff just trying to get healthy. I'm talking to the wrong guy. Well, Kevin James turned me on to it. He lost 80 pounds,

and he was explaining to me in his book that he bought. He had this lady working for him as a chef for a while, and the idea was it was just like really nutrient-rich, plant-based foods blended up together. That would be like your first meal a day.

And just doing that, it keeps like your digestive tract like really smooth because essentially like it's like it's a flush out. It like cleans out. Regularity is a very important thing. People don't realize. Well, yeah. I mean you're not supposed to be keeping shit inside your body. You can if you have a bad diet. I mean, my job, probably half of my job,

is looking at what comes out of a person that doesn't eat healthily. That's a fetish of yours, though. I'm starting to think. Poop is a big part of my life. I think it's a fetish. Poop is a part of my life, man. You like fingers in your ass. Well, that's separate.

I just like a finger in my ass. That has nothing to do with my job. Do you like German porn? No. I like um i probably shouldn't go into that you know i'm with you i don't i don't like i don't like a skinny girl i like some weight on my girl that's what i'm saying yeah the the fatter ones are usually more fun for sure it's stream mate that's what i do bbws you just go through the top 10, and it's beautiful. 10 pounds heavy is way better than 10 pounds too light. Well, I'm talking about BBWs.

I'm talking about... Oh, yeah, but I agree with that. What is BBW? Big Beautiful Women. Oh, okay. Cheers. Cheers. Yeah, women don't understand that.

A little fat is sexy. Skinny is gross. It doesn't bother me at all. As long as you're not unhealthy. Skinny girls don't look that. A little fat is sexy. Skinny's gross. It doesn't bother me at all. As long as you're not unhealthy. Skinny girls don't look that good naked. No, they don't. A thicker girl looks beautiful. It's more skin to play with.

It feels like you're on a... Would you rather have a king-size pool or a little baby pool? This is a horrible topic. I'm going to bring it up anyway. No, you're just talking to Brian. That's the problem. It could be a great topic. My wife and I had a... My wife's really big into natural birth.

We had a natural birth. Whoa. I make fun of you guys. You know what? It was awesome. Most people do. It's fine. We actually had him in our bedroom at home.

It was amazing. Most people think it's crazy. For my wife, like that was her Iron Man. Like she really wanted that. Whoa. That's her triathlon? Yeah, it was really cool, and I dug it. Wow.

The subsequent argument was do you circumcise the kid or not? Because all of her natural, and it's really a hippie world, and I'm not into the whole hippiness of the world. I enjoyed the process of natural birth, but I'm not into the whole hippie lifestyle part of it. Right. And all of her friends, they didn't circumcise their kids, and I was like, I'm not about to send my kid to gym class

in a world where everyone gets circumcised the pink sock yeah i think that's changing it is apparently it's 50 50 now it's 50 50 now i wouldn't circumcise a kid if i had a boy i wouldn't circumcise well apparently stupid the point of the conversation was we get the girls all the wives start arguing we start talking three of the wives guaranteed they were like sex with a dude that is not circumcised is substantially better than a dude that is. And then all these girls were like, oh, that's true. That's true. Why?

I don't know. More skin, apparently. Back to the. Wow. Just like we talk about the ladies. It's substantially better. And they all were like, absolutely. Like, it wasn't like they were being nice.

For the woman. Wow. I've never even heard that before. Yeah. That's why I was so intrigued by it. I was like, wow. I got robbed. Even with me. Sliced. Even if I wasn't circumcised, I don't even heard that before. Yeah, that's why I was so intrigued by it. I was like, wow. I got robbed. I don't even with me.

Sliced. Even if I wasn't serving size, I don't think it would make a difference to me. I think it's a fucking gross tradition, man. Somebody said it helps prevent AIDS. I'm like, are you keeping AIDS in your foreskin? What's going on? How is that? That doesn't make any sense to me.

That seems to me exposure to AIDS. Lack of exposure is how you prevent AIDS. It's not like foreskin chopping off i will say it was purely cosmetic for us yeah and i but i enforced that i was like we're absolutely doing it we're not gonna have one kid that is and one kid that isn't oh wow consistent jesus christ i mean why does my brother look different than me you know but i like to fuck jewish women so i'm definitely yeah circumcised yeah yeah all right whatever you like freak

Jewish women I think it's just freak out about that shit it's a weird fucking tradition that we need to end it's just you're cutting not only that but it's like 50 people get like really in bad infections it's not it's not completely innocuous kids have lost their penises because of because of circumcisions it's not my nephew had to go back for a second operation because of that. And they had to put him under at the age of a year or something. Oh my god. Yeah, man. For what? To dress up as dick with a knife?

We should start some kind of non-profit. It's a dick. It's not a jack-o'-lantern. You don't have to chop parts off of it to make it look better. That's stupid. Save the penis. You should save the penis in a jar and wear it as a necklace. What kind of tests have actually been done that show that there's some sort of a health benefit to circumcision?

Have there been any? There has to be. It's probably a medical. It's like a Christian school probably did the research. Really? I'm sure it's a medical. There's a, I mean, it costs four grand. I'll tell you that.

That's how much you got to pay? Yeah. You didn't have like an old Jewish dude suck the blood off of it afterwards, did you? We did not have a breast, no. Isn't that amazing that they actually still do it that way some places? Do they really do that? Yeah. A guy will suck the blood off.

And, you know, and he was explaining it on a YouTube video. And it was like a serious, you know, what is the word? Orthodox Jew. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he was saying that it's an ancient tradition because the blood actually coagulates better because of the saliva. It stops the bleeding quicker. I just spit on that penis.

Yeah, whatever, man. Jesus Christ. You know what? That's where I go back to. I wouldn't have that on my kid, but if that's your thing, that's your thing. I support you. All right. Decrease in – here's one of the problems, one of the benefits. that on my kid, but if that's your thing, that's your thing, I support you.

Here's one of the problems, one of the benefits. Decrease in physical problems involving a tight foreskin. Yeah, that means because you got no foreskin, you fuck. That's the dumbest benefit I've ever had. Or read, rather. And that's the first benefit they listed. Decrease in physical problems

involving a tight foreskin. Well, you know how a lot of kids are running around complaining about tight foreskins. It's definitely more. Isn't it more susceptible to disease because there's some more. It's like you're having an extra belly button on your dick. Well, I would. Yeah, I don't know. I mean.

That shit's got to get dirtier. You mean when it's over there. There is dick lint. You have to clean it. There is dick lint. There is dick lint. I've been told. What's it taste like?

You have to clean it. Well, I think it's also like moist. I think that the head of the penis underneath the foreskin is moist and much more sensitive. When you circumcise it, it dries out. It's like half numb. It's got to be moldy. I mean, you think every time. Lower incidence of inflammation of the head of the penis, whatever.

Reduced urinary tract infections. Okay, that kind of makes sense. Clean your dirty dick. That could fix all that. Fewer problems with erections, especially at puberty. Why is there a problem with an erection? Yeah, what does that mean? I've never been in a problem in my life.

Fewer problems with erections. Because it looks so creepy. What does that mean by problems? You know what that means? That means he's getting erections all the time. That's a good thing. Because I've heard that happens to people that are circumcised. Like when you pull the skin back, they get excited like really easily.

Yeah. Apparently it doesn't have, it's much more sensitive. Dude, if the wind blows, I get excited. Isn't that funny though? That's listed as a benefit. That's not. Fewer problems with erections especially at puberty.

When you write especially at puberty I'm assuming you don't want kids to fuck at 13. So I'm thinking you're saying these are unwanted erections. So some old dude wrote this. Some old woman or old dude wrote this. So they're saying

we've made your penis feel less good so you don't have as many problems with it feeling good. Well back to my point these women were saying apparently it feels better. Decrease in certain sexually transmitted diseases

such as HIV, HPV, genital herpes, syphilis, and other microorganisms in med and their partners. A decrease? Hmm. Okay. I don't know. Yeah. Why is that? Is that resentment? There's more skin. How do you know? There's more shit. Do you have holes and scrapes on?

Almost complete elimination of invasive penile cancer. Oh, that's a good reason. Invasive penile cancer? Is it internal, it sounds like? I don't know. Invasive. I think it's just bad. Decreasing urological problems.

I think all penile cancer would be bad. Yeah, I would imagine. Have you got the 40-year-old tube in the penis hole yet? My dad told me when he turned 45 or something like that, he had to get this done. Apparently, your dick crawls back. It runs away from the tube.

When they're trying to get it in, my buddy was telling me about it. They said basically a lot of my buddies and I, we all did a bunch of ironmans and triathlons yeah triathlons and the worst like an ironman dick like it takes two days for your dick to come back out of your stomach after an ironman like you'll never see it because you're on a bike running and swimming for like 10 12 hours and you literally like after the ironman you're up against the wall and you're just peeing out of your stomach like it takes a good two days

for your dick to come back out. I never did a full. Is that really bad for your balls? All that pressure? I've heard guys get numbness. You get really bad blisters. You gotta use cow udder. It's like a salve that you put on your balls.

You put it on your balls so you don't get blisters. Jesus. Hey Brian, bad blisters, yeah. Ball blisters are awful. Jesus. Hey, Brian, pull up a YouTube video. Rabbi Explains the Process of Sucking Blood from Penis. That's... It's on YouTube.

That's a bit aggressive, I think. Yeah, what the fuck? This is from 2011, too. What's it called? Rabbi Explains the Process of Sucking Blood. Just look for that on YouTube and you'll find it. From penis, if you want to put from the penis.

That's the guy, yeah. You got to take a leak? Yeah, go ahead. Yeah, it's perfect. I'm about to die. Four sections of halacha called the shulchan aruch the set table in chapter 266 uh halacha three four five and six he describes how the circumcision is to be done this is after the cutting the moham does what is called mitzitzah.

And mitzitzah means to suck, and it means doing so with his mouth. And one could say, well, why can't you use a tube? Well, you could, technically, but that's not the custom as to how it was done. Now, why is it that way? Well, you could say that in the olden days you didn't have tubes. Now you can have tubes, so why not? The answer as I thought about it is that it's not as effective because the tube does not seal as well. It's not as pliable. And furthermore, it's not as quick and it's not as close. it's not as close. You have to have a quick suction action, you have to have more pliability, and also there's the theory, some people feel that it is, some people feel that it's not, that the saliva of a human being has some antiseptic qualities, and it's actually brought in the halacha of the Talmud that the saliva of certain people were actually used as curatives. And so saliva is not a bad thing.

Saliva has elements. Shut this crazy asshole off. Jesus Christ. This is one of the things that's really wrong with religion. When religion, when they get into tradition and they just explain, well, it is the tradition. You're talking about blowing a baby period. That's what you're talking about. If there's anything in your religion

that justifies blowing a baby you're fucking crazy. And sucking blood off a baby's dick after you've cut it yeah. The only thing I can think of as like the other side of this is that I this My sister took

My nephew to a doctor High end hospital These are doctors going to college And they fucked it up How many times Did these guys do it Someone killed a baby recently Killed a baby

A baby died in a New York hospital After contracting herpes from a controversial circumcision ritual. The mohil or whatever the fuck he calls himself, the rabbi, whoever does that, sucked the baby's dick after he did the circumcision and he had herpes in his mouth. Wow. And he gave it to the baby and the baby died. That's crazy. Well, you can get herpes. Yeah, this is from 2012.

This is March 6th. Yeah, this is from 2012. This is March 6th. Yeah, this is not 88. This is March 6th, 2012. It's in the Huffington Post. You can read this. And by the way, this is not the first time this has happened. This has happened many times in the past.

I've heard about it, another one in 2005. It says it right here. Another one in 2005. 2004. Look, it's disgusting. If your religion is allowing you to blow babies, cut their dicks, and then suck them, that's not good, period.

I don't give a fuck if it's in the tradition. And what do you do with the tradition? Shut your mouth, you stupid tradition, you crazy asshole. Just because something's old doesn't mean it's good. And that's just, following that tradition, that is the best argument, one of the best arguments, next to like best argument. One of the best arguments next to like suicide bombers.

One of the best arguments ever for your religion being fucking crazy. Well, it's tradition is never a good argument here. Yeah. It's why do we do it? It's the tradition. You know, I grew up in Virginia and a septic properties. You know what else has a lot of things that are tradition in Virginia that are you missed the whole thing while you went to the bathroom. This guy is this old rabbi talking about blowing kids after he circumcised them.

I'm glad I missed it. Thank you. He was talking about why don't we use a tube? Well, because first of all, it's the tradition. It's the tradition. Come to my website and have a gold show. It's the tradition. What?

You crazy asshole. And saliva has antiseptic properties. You know what else has antiseptic properties? Ready? Antiseptics. You fucking cunt. Saliva is a very good. crazy asshole. And saliva has antiseptic properties? You know what else has antiseptic properties? Ready? Antiseptics. You fucking cunt. Saliva is actually a very good cleaner, believe me. Except when you get herpes in your mouth and you kill the baby.

Nutty ass rabbi. Jesus Christ. So now, what is the single? You've seen pretty much everything a person could possibly see inside these houses. But there must be one day where you showed up at work and you went, this shit just got taken to the next level. Everything accelerates. Yeah, it's a tie. Yes.

I saw a cat actually pull itself out of a pile of human shit. You know, like when you're trying to get out of the pool. This cat was pulling itself out of a pile of shit. just thought that was awesome like it wasn't gross it was just it was intense um the worst ever was uh i had a cat there's a house had a lot of cats for people that are listening and actually know the show hoarders her name was viola she's a cool lady she's become a good friend five three years later but at the time she was she cured now she's dealing with it i don't think you're ever cured i'm just like with my gambling i'm always gonna have an itch every once in a while she's like lives she lives in a clean house

she cleaned her we cleaned her house she stayed committed she did the therapy her kid her family stays with her so i mean one of the key components to recovery is that your family is very committed to the recovery as well it's like her her kids keep her busy like she can't go to goodwill if she goes to goodwill she'll spend she's just like me to gamble at a blackjack table if she goes to goodwill she'll go crazy have you heard of ibogaine what is that we had this guy on yesterday uh who had just got back from an ibogaine ceremony in costa rica and what ibogaine is is this crazy psychedelic drug that makes you look at your, yourself from a very, what's the best way to look at it? Out like a very critical, highly critical, honest view of your life from outside of your emotions and your ego. And it's

apparently this very informative psychedelic experience. You can actually ask it questions. The whole experience takes like 24 hours. But it has a really high success rate on curing people with all sorts of diseases, especially addictions, gambling addictions, drug addictions. People that are hooked on opiates have a huge rate of success. Yeah, I mean, that's a different level. I mean, I don't ever want to act like I'm this badass that overcame this massive thing. Oh, you for sure did, dude.

You just did it with your own will and your personality. I did, but I did my own will. That's what I'm saying. What I'm saying is, I wonder, like, a really good show would be combining. We're open to anything, man. Yeah. The cool thing is this is a new disease. It's not like alcoholism where there's this, like, set specific way.

This is what you must do to overcome it. How long has it been around for? Well, it's been around since, I overcome it how long has it been around for well it's been around since i mean hunter and gathering i mean it's been around since day one but it's just i mean our show just blew the doors off it and people are just accepting the fact that their aunt gladys is actually a hoarder she's not just crazy like we're just really still i mean it's actually just getting uh it's now just getting classified man this was my second hoard. This was a great guy. I got sprayed by a skunk in this house.

Oh, my God. I thought it was a cat, and I went to pick it up, and it was a skunk. It was a skunk in the house. In the garage. There were like 100 cats, and I just stopped counting, and then I got hit by a skunk. Oh, my God. That was a crazy one. We have a friend that has 11 cats in one house in a two-bedroom apartment. You think that's normal?

Here's my deal on cats. You need to have as many cats. You can't have any more cats than you have friends. If you have more cats than you have friends, we've got an issue. Well, he has a lot of friends. Then he's fine. But is it okay in a two-bedroom apartment? To me, that's a bit much, honestly.

But if he's cool with it, he's cool. If it doesn't mess up your life, the cross line for me is when your hoard, whatever that hoard is, whatever you're collecting or keeping, when it crosses over and it becomes more important than your friends and your family and your job, then you got a problem. It could be, I mean,

I had a lot of friends in the Ironman world that I think they have issues, man. Like they're so addicted to the race and to the fitness level that it's affecting the rest of their life. They don't have normal relationships with anyone else in their life. Like, they're so focused on the triathlon that I think it's too much. I think you could see that in it.

Well, you kind of have to be to be successful at those things. Yeah, that's a tough one. I mean, yeah. The amount of training those guys have to go through. Yeah, but you don't have to win. You could be, like, 100th. You still finished a fucking Ironman. What kind of pussy talk is that?

I'm not. That's not what they think if they want to win though what if they're close they a lot of mark i don't give a shit about winning i'm a finisher guy like i'm the guy like i used to hate the old guys that played golf they were like i'm just happy to be outside i'm totally that guy now i'm just happy to be outside well it's a good day there's a lure of success you know especially success well i have success in other parts of my life. I don't need that success. Right, right, right. I'm healthy. I get, I mean,

I keep saying it every day. I get, you know, 50 emails of people that I've helped. They've either seen the show or read my book or listened to a podcast. So I start the morning.

By 9 a.m., I've already told myself I'm successful today. I'm good. That's beautiful. And so I'm lucky. Like, I don't need all that stuff.

Well, you've put it all, you've put your obsession into a good place. I think this is a really good lesson for people. My speech is called 14 Years of Failure. I failed for 14 years. I'm just starting to get successful this year. You are also, what you've done that's admirable is sort of recognize why you were fucking up and just stopped it. That's really difficult for a lot of people to do, to even wrap their head around it,

especially without going through like some really extensive therapy I'm old-school man if you stop lying to yourself it gets a lot easier right I lied to myself for a lot of you figure that out yeah I'm telling you right now people listening stop lying to yourself I mean I'm saying yeah you figured that out a lot of people look a guy beating the fuck out of you is that what it was I got absolutely he helped in my mom saying no my mom saying no was I mom saying no was... I even thought I was still unstoppable

until my mom said you're on your own. You find a legal way out of this. It's really fascinating. When my mom said no, it was like, oh shit. Life's changing. I'm on my own. That thrill-seeking charge that you get from placing bets, you know, it's really just

sort of a desire to be successful. You're trying to win. I think it's always a desire. You're trying to win. It has nothing to do with gambling. Hoarding has nothing to do with stuff. Right.

It's about that desire. It's about that self-worth. It's about that giving yourself, you know, we're all so needy. And this is where people get tired of me. They're like, you're like some awful mentalist. I just, I believe. An awful mentalist. Why would they say that?

I mean, people think I get a little preachy, and I guess I do. Well, listen, you're saying your story passionately. Absolutely. And your story is a story that should be preached. I mean, if there's a story that should be preached, it's a guy who's ready to suck a dick for money. And now all of a sudden he's on TV,

and he's doing great, and he's helping people, and he's helping inmates get their shit together. It's all beautiful. Look at that on the TV. There it is. That was a flat cat. That was a flat cat. He actually was on a

box so he was like a 90 degree angle. There he is. There's the skunk. Oh Jesus Christ. That skunk blasted you? Yeah he just fucking sprayed me. Clearly that's a wild bag. I'm a little lighter. Oh my god. This is that's a wild bag. I'm a little lighter. Oh, my God. This is crazy. This is crazy.

That whole room was six feet higher about eight hours earlier. Oh, my God. Another cat. Now, do these people get in trouble with animal protection? Animal protection called us into this one. This was in New Mexico. Jesus Christ. 35 cats. She thought she had like 10 cats. She didn't know how many she had.

So they all starve to death out there? Yeah. I mean, we always say triple it. If the person says, I have 10 cats. Well, if they say they have 100 cats, they have 300 cats. They don't know the rates that cats can reproduce, so they never see the babies. So the cats are

fucking and breeding they're like rabbits who's feeding them they feed on each other whoever dies they it's i mean it's jesus christ yeah so they're just babies are eating absolutely whatever one it's it's total natural selection oh my god whoever is and it's all underneath eight feet of stuff so you don't see it god if you don't see it it's not a problem this is my very first one favorite guy ever this guy his whole yard was a junkyard love that guy i love this guy that boss is a what's happening this you can see this from space on google wow you can see this guy's yard and it was was deep south Alabama. The government was after him. They wanted the land. He moved out to the country to get away from the city,

and the city caught up with him over 20-some years. This was crazy. I had never – I love this story. I had never done hoarding. I mean, never been on TV before. And so I got called on a Monday. They said, can you come down and do this show? So I was still cleaning

houses for $12 an hour and then got called down to go do this show. And that was on a Wednesday. So three days later I was doing a TV show. I've never been on TV. She's kind of hot in a dirty way. Not kind of hot. That's Ginger. She was very hot. She's hot in three or four glasses of whiskey. Not kind of hot. That girl, that's Ginger. She was very hot. She's hot in three

or four glasses of whiskey. Ginger was her name. Country music's playing. Let's get crazy. She's got cowboy boots on hot, yeah. Oh, I like that. You need to clean it

at least two times. She's a cool girl, actually. That house, man, we took out so many, a cool thing that we took out, I mean, I think we took out like a hundred and some cars.

The tires, you can't get rid of them. It's almost impossible to get rid of tires naturally. I mean legally how do you get rid of them you have to send them to a shredder and then they shred them up for like playgrounds to like be floors the problem is to recycle things legally it's very hard in america right now it's very difficult the laws are so super green yeah no well the green laws are very difficult. This guy, there was a big school bus in his yard. And I was like, Paul, we got to get rid of this bus, man.

Like, what are we going to do? It was filled with copper. So it was probably 10 grand worth of copper. Wow. And the metal was very valuable, especially in the south. So this guy had, I mean, that bus right there. So I was like, we got rid of the bus. And he goes, man, last time I had sex was in that bus.

And I go, Paul, when was the last time you had sex and he goes junior how old he yells to his son his son is like 43 years old and has like five kids they edited that out they didn't show it did he have sex with a dead cat is it now he was no you know most hoarders are totally i do have a flashlight story can i tell it yeah real quick most hoarders are totally, I do have a flashlight story. Can I tell it? Yeah. Real quick, most hoarders are totally asexual. They don't have space

in their mind for sexuality feelings. Yeah, most of them haven't had sex in 20, 30 years. Wow. It's not even, like,

sex motivates everything I do. Like, I believe life, I truly believe life revolves around sex. Like, if you dig deep enough, everything you do is to get laid. I really believe that. Okay, Freud. I do believe life revolves around sex. If you dig deep enough, everything you do is to get laid.

I really believe that. Okay, Freud. I do believe that. I mean, at the end of the day, I'm trying to impress my wife to have sex with me. Really? Why do I work hard to make my wife happy? Why do I want to make my wife happy? Wow, you sound like a slave.

Well, I hate that word, but my dad always, my dad's a big part of my life. He's been dead for 10 years. He always told me, he was in advertising. He said, everything is about trying to get laid. He said, that's all advertising is. You just got to find out how to get laid. I think that's certainly a desire, but that's just because we have a constant need to reproduce, so we're always horny.

I don't think it's about reproduction. A lot of other interesting shit out there. I'm just horny. I don't think it's about reproduction. I don't think it shit out there. I'm just horny. I don't think it's about reproduction. I don't think it goes that deep. Wow. Well, that's for you, buddy. Yeah, I'm saying I'm sure there's other people that don't believe that.

Well, no. There's a lot of other experiences in life that are pretty fucking fascinating besides just getting laid. I don't know. Butthole in the ass, Joe. Don't knock it. But back to the beginning, you've got to allow yourself to go to that next level. Because a lot of people stop at the, okay,

I'm just gonna make my wife happy and get laid. And then once like you, you said you were talking about your, um, that isolation thing that, that blew me away. Like I did, I did about a two week thing after,

right after my dad died, I ran away to Maui and was living in Hawaii with an ex girlfriend. And that was when I started, okay, my mind became open to life. And I was like, I'm just. Post-gambling or? I was trying to figure it out. So you hadn't hit rock bottom yet? No.

Well, I mean, I had hit it. Had you gotten beat up yet? Yeah, it was about five months after that. And my dad died right after that. So, of course, that has something to do with it. But I was talking to my ex-girlfriend and she's like, how are you doing? I was like, I'm not good. And she said, well, you can be not good in Maui.

And I was like, good point. Damn. So I flew out to Maui. Yeah, she's a great girl. Yeah, she's a good girl. So I moved to Maui, was living with her, and I went on a week trip through Hana. I don't know if you've ever done that road to Hana. No.

It's the backside of Maui. It's a dirt road. And I just hiked it. I just walked through Hana, and I met this family living out in the rainforest. And they were doing a lot of acid and a lot of stuff that I didn hiked it. I just walked through Hana and I met this family living out in the rainforest and they were doing a lot of acid and a lot of stuff that I didn't know

There's a family living in the rainforest? Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of houses. It wasn't like just randomness. Yeah, what is it like?

Like, what kind of people are living up there? I mean, old hippies. Doesn't Woody Harrelson live up there? Willie Nelson

lived right down the street. Yeah, I'm sure he does. Willie Nelson lived there? Willie Nelson lived right up the street from Hana. Willie Nelson lived in Hawaii? He's got a great little house up there.

Yeah, he's got a great ranch up in Makawa. He's probably like balling. He's got houses all over the place. He's got a suite. It's called Makawa. Maui is a figure eight, the island, and he lives on the upper side, which is country. It's Vaqueros. There's a bunch of Spanish cowboys came there a long time ago.

So there's a big horse community on the higher upper side of West Maui. Really? Yeah. Maui is an amazing place, and it backs right up to the rainforest. Don't locals get bummed out when white people move in there? They fucking hate it. They're called Howleys. They hate us with all our passion.

Really? Just recently, we stole that island. I mean, Americans in the, what, 40s? We stole that. We killed their queen. We killed their queen. We killed their queen. Absolutely. The Dole Fruit Company and the Americans killed their queen to get a place to land airplanes.

Really? They hate white people so passionately. Well, they're always nice at the resorts. We stole their fucking line. Yeah, but now you get 10 minutes off resort. I've been off resort before, too. I've met a lot of friendly people in Hawaii. Howie's.

But you get a pass in a lot. I think you're a likable guy And you're an honest guy You get a pass Yeah and they like BJ Penn They know I'm a BJ Penn fan Yeah he's a Hawaiian You notice when that whole

When that Oh I know When that whole Tsunami came in He had the BJ Penn cam on top of it So CNN Everybody Everybody was

CNN Everybody was doing the BJ Penn Yeah we were just told this by Brad. It was crazy. Yeah, Brad Hostable. Do you know the guy? I wanted to ask you this. I'm not a huge MMA guy. I do enjoy watching it when my wife's not around. What about when she's around? Try to make her

happy? She does. We watch Bravo. Watch Bravo together. It is what it is. I gotta survive. It is what it is. I love my wife. She runs our life. Wow. It is what it is. I got to survive. It is what it is. I love my wife, and she runs our life. Wow. That Uriah Faber guy? Yeah.

I used to watch him when he was a lot smaller. No, no. He's smaller now than he's ever been. Really? He looks so much bigger. No. He started off his career. He fought a few fights.

I think he fought a 55. Then he dropped down to 45, won the title, lost the title at 45 to Mike Brown, lost an attempt at it again to Brown, then lost again to Jose Aldo, so dropped down to 35. And now he is coaching. He's 135? Yeah. Well, he doesn't weigh 135. He cuts down to 135.

He doesn't really fight at it either. It's really stupid. They weigh in at it. I mean, I shouldn't say it's stupid because it is an aspect of the sport. So that one second in that day, they weigh 135. It's usually for an hour or two. What do they really weigh? 150 something?

He probably weighs close to 150 something when he gets into the octagon, 20 pounds of water. I wouldn't say it would be that much because that seems like that would wear him down. Pounds mean more of a percentage of body weight when you get to a smaller person. A big wrestler can cut 20 pounds, no problem. But, you know, he's walking around at 220 pounds. He's cutting 20 pounds of water. That's easy to drop the weight. He makes 205.

There's a big difference between that and a guy who's 150 cutting down to 130. You know, there's a... Yeah, that's percentage. Yeah, the percentage of body weight is massive for 20 pounds at that weight. But people do some really dangerous shit. We've had guys black out. You know, it's real tricky. You know, the more ones that are handled by great professional gyms and do it healthily

and like guys like George St. Pierre or Anderson Silva, they cut weight, but you never see them looking scary. They never look gaunt and scary. Like Anderson Silva, I know he cuts weight, but he never looks bad. So he's only cutting what needs to be cut. They've got it down to a science. The smart guys do. The good ones.

But every now and then, guys will take a chance. It's just an unfortunate aspect of the game. I watched a TV show about the guys that bought the UFC. I mean, that was fascinating, man. Just fascinating how they bought it from that. It was such a circus at one point. I was in the old circus. I used to work for the old circus.

No, no, no. I used to be the post-fight interviewer. I was involved in both organizations. Really? I was involved in the old one. Yeah. I did the old one from 1997. I did 97 and 98, and then I quit.

And then the new company came along. They bought it in 2001. And there were some casino guys that put money into that. Yeah, the Fatitas. Yeah. Frank and Lorenzo. Good dudes is what I hear. Great dudes.

Couldn't be better. Perfect. You know, we always said when I was a fan back in the day, we said, you know what would be awesome? If some really loked out billionaire dudes just became huge fans of the sport and just threw a shitload of money at it. We know it would be huge. And that's exactly what happened.

You know, there was one point in time while they were financing the Ultimate Fighter and putting it all together. They were over $44 million in the hole. $44 million. I mean, from a business perspective, that is unreal. Yeah, it's like craziness. You have to make $80 million. That show gets phenomenal ratings.

It does now. It does well now. Now it's live, actually. Now the Ultimate Fighter is live on FX, so you get to watch the fights as they happen. As they happen. Yeah, which is pretty badass. It's a new thing that they're doing this time.

I mean, I'm amazed by the business side of it. I mean, the CEO is obviously a badass. I mean, the more and more I hear him talk. What's his name? Dana White. Dana White. Jesus Christ, he's a badass. He loves the sport 100%.

He's a badass. He knows how to do it correctly. Yeah. He does. Nobody 100%. He's a badass. He knows how to do it correctly. Yeah. He does. Nobody works as hard as that guy. I do ONA a bunch, and they just swear by that guy. I mean, they're just blown away by him. Yeah, I do ONA, too, every time I'm in New York.

I love those guys. That's the best radio show. They crack me up. Jimmy Norton kills me. He's the funniest fucking guy I know. Ever. Funniest guy on radio ever, Jim Norton, no doubt. Another one, back to honesty.

He's awesome. He is who he is. He's fine with it. He's totally fine with it. If you don't like ever, Jim Norton, no doubt. Another one, back to honesty. He's awesome. He is who he is. He's fine with it. Exactly. He's totally fine with it. If you don't like it, who gives a shit? Who the fuck else was joking about getting blown by trannies like Jimmy? I mean, Jimmy brings it up on a daily basis.

And he makes you feel like you're a fucking idiot for not getting blown by a tranny. Yeah, it sounds awesome. It sounds delicious. And then he somehow gets on Leno. Yeah. And I'm like, God, this guy. I mean, he just blows me away. Yeah, he's amazing, man.

So hopefully I'll have a lot of listeners away. Yeah, he's amazing, man. So hopefully, I'll have a lot of listeners coming in from my guys listening to this one. Give me kind of a five second pitch, like, when I now watch MMA,

I'm blown away by it, man. Yeah. Like, it totally blows me away. Why is it so much better than boxing? Because boxing's boring now.

Well, you know what it is? It's not that it's better than boxing. It's just, boxing is only one aspect of a real fight. And boxing is very exciting. If you watch a good, like if Manny Pacquiao was going to fight Pretty Boy Floyd

or like go back in time and watch like Tommy Hearns and Sugar Ray Leonard or, you know, there's some great fights. I remember growing up, any Tyson fight when I was in high school and college was huge. Yeah, but it was still the buzz, the excitement. It was all pay-per-view. Everybody didn't care. We would drive to a cable place to buy

some type of chip that allowed us to watch the Tyson fight. Everyone would pitch in $2 to do it. We don't do that in boxing now. We watch it. I still like boxing. You do? Yeah. You can't tell me that a fight like Maljik Taylor and Julio Cesar Chavez, one of those fights. That's a UFC fight. I still like boxing. You do? Yeah, you can't tell me that a fight like Meldrick Taylor and Julio Cesar Chavez, like one of those fights,

like that's an exciting fight. It's exciting. And it's not the same, you know, when a guy can't take a guy down, when a guy can't throw kicks. It's really not the same. But under those rules, like in choosing to fight that way,

it's very fascinating to watch, like, who's better at it. You respect the rules regardless of the type of fight. I respect someone who's very skillful at anything. Whatever they do. Skillful at boxing. I love watching Floyd Mayweather fight. And one of the things I like watching him fight about is how smart he is about avoiding danger.

He very rarely gets hit. He's very smart at moving. He's very smart at timing. He's very smart defensively. He keeps his hands in the proper position. He very rarely gets clipped. And when he does get clipped, he recovers very well. He's just – he's like real slick about the actual art form of boxing.

And when you see like him fight a guy like Sugar Shane Mosley and essentially just shut him down, that's an amazing accomplishment. You've got to realize how good Sugar Shane Mosley is and then you can appreciate what you see Floyd Mayweather do. And a guy like Manny Pacquiao just beats Sugar Shane Mosley is, and then you can appreciate what you see Floyd Mayweather do. You know, a guy like Manny Pacquiao just beats Sugar Shane Mosley senseless. That's an incredible accomplishment. If you know how good Shane is, you see like the Shane Margarito fight when he just chewed Margarito up.

Shane Mosley is a beast. So I'm a fan of anybody who's skillful at anything. I don't think I'm a fan of people that are skillful gymnasts. You know, I'll watch that. Have you seen, there's a video out here of this dude that came out last week

of this butcher tearing apart a pig in two minutes. Jesus Christ. It's fucking art. It's amazing. This guy, I mean,

Two minutes? Two minutes. A whole pig? It's fucking, it's art. It's amazing. Where do you find that? It's on YouTube?

Yeah, it's like two minutes. Pull that shit up. But it's, I was like, holy crap, I want to be a butcher. Like I watched this thing. I was like, man, this is beautiful. For me, I'm the same way.

I just enjoy – if you're good at something and you're totally passionate about it, awesome. I don't care what it is. I never thought I would be into watching shows on cooking until I started watching Anthony Bourdain's show. Oh, Top Chef is awesome. Oh, Anthony Bourdain is amazing. I've never seen that. I've never seen Top Chef. Has he ever come in here?

Yeah, yeah, we had Anthony Bourdain on. I think he's fascinating. Yeah, he was awesome. He's a great dude, too. Is this guy going to do it? All right, he's going to shoot. This guy is going to do this whole pig in two minutes. There goes the head.

Wow, it's so ruthless. It's really crazy when you see it, like, sectioned up like that. It doesn't look like an animal anymore. Once it starts getting sectioned, it just becomes, like, meat. I heard him interviewed about it the other day, and he goes, I really love the art of butchering, and I just wanted people to see it. I really love the art of butchering. Jesus Christ. I never thought about it that way.

Oh! And like, you don't realize, these knives, you would take your leg off. Like that. Oh yeah, I mean, he's cutting right through meat and bone with this thing. And bone. Yeah, that's the same as your leg. Oh, geez, he's got a saw. It's unreal, man. Holy fuck.

Yeah, how many people are completely removed from this aspect of eating meat? Well, that's why he did it. He said he wanted people to respect what they eat, and he wanted people to see that they're only eating good things. It's really amazing what we've done in society by creating cities and having supermarkets. We've completely taken the gathering and hunting out of our lifestyle. My grandparents lived in a tiny little town

way north of Denver, but up in the middle of nowhere. And they would only, they would hunt it or grow it. And that was it. I bet they were healthy as fuck. Yeah, they lived to like, what, 85? Healthy as shit.

They worked in the farm every day. Look at the body cavity that's left over. I know. Jesus Christ. Think of the confidence with that knife it takes to like. Yeah, he's pulling out the loin now. This is where, like tenderloin. You know what that is?

It's the slab of meat that covers your spine. And even like dresses the bacon and everything. I just think it's amazing. That was the tenderloin that he just pulled out right there. And he's slicing the other side of it right now. That's crazy, man. I love this thing. I watched it like three times. Yeah.

I don't think I really like watching this. It doesn't bother me. It doesn't bother me, but it's interesting. What hits me on it is the confidence. I really respect confidence of whatever you do. And this dude is confident enough to just throw this thing around. Oh, he sure knows

what the fuck he's doing. He knows every single step and he knows what he's doing in three or four steps and I just, I admire that. I think it's awesome. He set the bar for butchers,

I'll tell you that. There's a lot of guys going, I need a half an hour at least to clean up a pig. This motherfucker just did it in two minutes and it put it on YouTube. Yay!

Wow. I think that is so fucking cool. All right. Now, he probably went to school for five years for that. You know, or practiced. I mean, I think he went to school for a year and then practiced

for, you know, five or ten years to do that. Wow. And this is so random, but I just think shit like that is just fascinating. Yeah, well, I think we're all attracted to people

that are really passionate about what they do and really excellent at what they do. Because, you know, you tune into that and you go, wow, you know, that kind of translates into anything you wanted to. You know, this guy who's great at being a guitarist, you know, could be great at being a butcher, could be great at being a chef. You know, if he had that sort of same focus at that, you know, you watch a guy who's great at carpentry or, you know, great at anything. It's there's something that that elevates us to watch

other people be really good at stuff. Don't you do that? You're a fighter, not... I did when I was young. I did a lot of Taekwondo tournaments. I did some kickboxing. It was before the UFC was around. By the time the UFC was around, I was already on TV.

I was just trying to make it out here. I was trying to be a stand-up comedian. It never even existed. But I had to learn jiu-jitsu. I had to. Because all my life I had been involved in striking. That's all I'd ever done. And the UFC just made me realize, like, wow, there's some shit you need to learn.

I need to learn some missions. You had to commit to both fighting and to comedy. How many – what, you guys said you spent 10 years on comedy? I wasn't qualified to do anything else, man. No, I'm saying comedy. Yeah, but comedy. I mean, I could have done martial arts, could have taught martial arts, but like regular jobs.

I had sort of, in chasing martial arts and had become completely obsessed and focusing 100% of all my energy and efforts on one thing, I had basically completely neglected my schoolwork, completely neglected some idea of a safety net. I didn't have a safety net. I wasn't even thinking about the potential for failing in life. I wasn't thinking about it. I was just trying to get excellent at martial arts.

And then when I realized that I was going to have a different sort of a job and I was going to have a different career, there was a moment where I was like, what am I going to do next? And then I found comedy, and it was really quick. It was like, boom, this is it. Well, that was my moment when I realized, and this was after the rock bottom. I mean, I thought about killing myself. I was very depressed.

How were you going to do it? I thought about a gun. I drove towards Walmart to buy a gun. Really? And I was like, what the fuck am I doing? You got that close. No, I don't want to act like I bought a gun. I was like what the fuck am I doing you got that close no I don't want to act like I bought a gun

I did but you thought about it I thought about it because I really got to the point it was like when I was going to call this wedding off I was like

it would just be better if I'm gone and no one gets hurt and I was like but then they'll know so you're just going to kill yourself because you didn't want to get married holy shit

I didn't want to upset her and I didn't want to upset my mom wow and I got to the point where I was like some you know but then immediately it was like

what the fuck are you thinking like this is that's crazy right but there was a point where i got so rock bottom i was like okay there's something like this has got to be good there's got to be good in this somewhere and so i always want to have a want to have an audience as large as i'm going to have here i just want to make sure you guys like if you're listening and you're down as shit man there's something good that's going to come out of this. It can. My dad dying ended up being the best thing that ever happened to me. Wow.

Clearly. I got my shit together. My brother got his shit together. All of his friends got sober. Everybody got their shit together. My dad did more by dying than he did by living. And my dad would love that. I say that all the time. My dad would love that I'm saying this out loud to an audience this big.

He motivated me and a lot of other people to get their shit together. So for me, that moment, and I don't want to say it was an aha moment, but like when I realized, like, okay, wait a minute, I've gone really deep, now if I just embrace it and stop hiding it and not telling people about it, like, I should just totally tell everyone about it. Right. And I'll do more with it. And that was after when I realized my dad, like, we were trying to make this funeral

that was, like, all, like, perfect and awesome, and it was fake. And then we were trying to make this this funeral that was like all like perfect and awesome and it was fake and then we just like fuck it we're just gonna stand up tell the real story right and people celebrated the real story and it was an awesome thing i think they can be awesome like them i think they can be awesome we had about 500 people that stood up and drank beers and drank little shots of uh doers and they told stories about my dad that's great it was awesome so you get a good group of people around and pull that off. It was a celebration of who he really was. The last time I was at a funeral was brutal.

Family members crying, and everybody's depressed. Whoa. What was your Fleshlight story going back to that? Oh, Fleshlight. Back in the world. It comes back around. We did a very early on. A&E's asked me not to tell this story anymore.

Why? Let me definitely say it's not an A&E house. It's a house I did privately. They've asked you to not tell this story? They don't like the dildos. When there's dildos and sex toys involved, they don't like it. They don't mind human shit in 45,000 pound bundles. The line is dildos.

Dead cats, that's fine. Oh, wait a minute. Does this give people pleasure in their genitals? Not interested. So there's a bunch of back massagers in this house. Yes, back massagers. cats that's fine oh wait a minute does this give people pleasure in their genitals not interested so there's a bunch of back massagers yes so this house this dude collected um it was a it was a private home the family told us he was dying right i have a heart disease so we walked into this thinking we're cleaning the house to get hospice to be allowed to come here right we're fine with it we start cleaning the house and right away we're seeing a lot of like paper porn like old swank magazines and you know

shit that's got cum stains on it oh jesus i mean not digital and so we're going you see it physically when you see this volume i mean all of us watch a ton of porn on internet, but could you imagine if that was all physical and you had to flip through each magazine that you look at. It's filled with all crusty things. This guy didn't get digital yet, so he just had tons and tons of porn. Probably no more than what we look at, but it just was physical.

We're going through the house, and then the deeper we got, it got more aggressive. There was some Disney porn, Disney characters drawn out oh my god we found polaroids oh like i said the other day like think of taking your picture with your cell phone now of your dick think trying to do that with a polaroid wow like you got to set it all up you got to pull the thing around yeah i mean you got to pull that red button like it's not easy and there were some were some kids involved in the Polaroid

picture. So we were like, we gotta call the cops. Same time, some of my guys were in the back room. So this guy knew this stuff was there or didn't know? He was, he obviously knew it was there, but in his mind he had justified it, that it was okay. He had justified it was okay to have naked

pictures of kids? It's probably because he was dying also. He didn't think anything wrong with us being in there. He didn't think twice about it. So at the same time, one of my guys finds this really big flashlight that he thinks, and he opens it up, and he's like, that looks like a vagina. Turns it upside down. Turns it upside down, and a couple things drop out of it, and then he realized what it was

clean your fleshlights people and he tossed it across the room the fleshlight that was our first introduction to the fleshlight wow from some crazy hoarder that's saving his sperm in it you know what though

it probably we always say it probably saved him from going out and doing something crazy, man. Yeah. Yeah, maybe. That's awful to say. Hopefully. He ended up going to jail. We had to call the cops.

Yeah. He went to jail for child porn? He did, yeah, for three. We got three years. And then when he got out. That's all you get? Yeah, that's it. And he got out, and he, I mean, all the guys on my crew have served longer time for, like, selling weed.

And that dude was molesting boys and got three years. Jesus. He gets out and he calls us to clean the house again why i was like the house was messy he filled it up again in a year and he's like hey uh i think you guys might clean my house before and i was like yeah you should still be in jail man what the fuck are you doing out do child molesters cut their fleshlights in half oh did he give up on child molesting i don't know we told him we told him to fuck off like we were just not interested yeah i mean we just couldn't believe that he called us back and was like hey that's creepy as fuck we get some weird stuff man we and again it comes back to it what you see i think i think life is subjective man like what i see on a daily basis is so much more intense than what someone else

might see. And so when I get into a hoarder, it's no big deal, man. It's no big deal. But I always say, I mean, I run a lot of marathons. And when you are running a marathon, there's always someone behind you. It doesn't matter how bad a day you're having. There's always someone in the race behind you. You're never going to be last.

And one day I actually got passed by a dude with one leg, and I had a really bad marathon. And about mile 18 where you hit the wall, I was like, I'm fucking dying. I had my head down, and I looked up, and this dude with one leg just fucking hops by me. Wow. Was he only on one leg?

No, he has an artificial leg, but he's only on one leg, and he kicked my ass. He beat me by about 10 minutes. How much of his leg was missing? The whole leg? Oh, I mean, it was way above thigh. So that hurts. Wow.

I mean, the pain about it is apparently amazing. It's not knee. It was way above the knee. So he's running in pain. The whole time. Oh, my God. And, of course, that made me be like, well, fuck. If this guy can finish, I better finish.

Jesus Christ. I mean, for me, I always come back. Everything's mental. Everything is mental. And it's just, are you going to quit before you're willing to overtake it? There's a back it's everything's mental everything is mental and it's just are you going to quit before you're willing to overtake it there's a lot to life that's mental I think I mean you shit happens and it's not your fault I get that that's not mental right but if you're ever faced with quitting that's up to you you either quit or you don't but I thought quitting

is good if a guy's beating your ass that's strategically stopping that's not quitting that's a smart decision to stop. Absolutely. If you were beating the fuck out of me, I'd say I'm sorry and get out of there. That's just smart. That is smart. Yeah, you're right. As long as you have those crazy guys that waits in an alley with a baseball bat afterwards.

You motherfucker. Now I'm going to get paid back. You're going to take your ass kickings. It's very important in life. I firmly believe you just have to be, if you're mentally strong, you can get through things. It helps. It's not that simple. Yeah, you're right.

It's not that simple, but it helps. It certainly is. You can stay committed to whatever you're doing. It's an honorable attribute. It's a very attractive attribute, too. That's why these stories that you told today were so much fun. Because everybody likes to hear a story about a guy who was falling apart and a guy who got into an unimaginable situation.

You're getting, you know, a bookie is beating you up and you owe him $40,000. It's craziness. It seems craziness, but you can get there really quick. Yeah. Oh, I believe you. Well, I think that's what's admirable about it, about your story. I mean, I'm not, I didn't come from a bad home. All my bad, all my, all the bad things in my life came by personal choices.

Like I had a great family i mean nothing bad should happen to me i had all the chances in the world i just made a few bad decisions what sounds like the college thing going to a casino is what set you off right that's what started yeah i just really dug it man i don't think anything's wrong with gambling you can control it how far did it go i mean how long were you gambling before you were completely out of control? Oh, years. Oh, so you were fine for years. I wasn't fine. I was getting there. When it hit me... It builds. Yeah, I mean...

Why do they say it grows? Because I've talked to people and these are like people who are alcoholics and they make alcoholism sound like it's like you got cursed by a demon and there's some sort of an evil force inside you. But no, my friend actually said this to me. He said, what you don't understand is that even when you're not using,

the addiction still grows. Oh, God, yeah. I would think about it all the time. The addiction grows. Absolutely. So you feel like your addiction is stronger now than it was when you were even gambling. It's grown.

I think I'm coming off. I'm addicted to new things. My addiction to other things is very strong. But in your case, not to gambling, though. You don't have that same addiction. No. I mean, I have a feeling if I was at a table, I'd have a real hard time not doing it. So his explanation of it, though, which was so hard for me to wrap my head around, was that this addiction is a disease.

And that the disease is unstoppable. And that all you could do is sort of manage your life and you're never cured. You're always just, you're recovering from this disease. I would say you're always recovering. Yes. Wow. Absolutely. I do believe that. But you can, there's levels of that and you can, it doesn't mean your life has to be horrible.

I mean, anyone that's listening, your life is shit, man. You can make some choices to change. It doesn't mean it's going to be horrible i mean anyone that's listening your life is shit man you can make some choices to change it doesn't mean it's gonna be perfect your life's never gonna be perfect we tell the hoarders like don't try to think that your life is gonna all of a sudden you're gonna be cured in a year and your life's gonna be great you've got to really set your expectations and if if for a hoarder that's had you know 40,000 pounds of shit in their life literally if you can just keep a couple rooms clean and actually show up and go to work that's success for you you've got to really set your expectations you're never going to have a perfect easy life like you see on tv that's not realistic but so for a lot of these guys that are addicts out there i mean your life may not be perfect ever again but it can be better

than it is right now you got to make some decisions and make a plan and get it set and it's never easy it doesn't take a day. Well, dude, I didn't expect this part of the conversation. I thought we were just going to talk about crazy. No, no, it was great. It's not that it wasn't all right. It was great. I think it was very inspirational for people.

Like I said, people love hearing people figuring things out. They love that. They love people. And I think it's especially important for you and your job because you come to them and you come to these crazy people with this perspective. I understand how this can go completely wrong. I understand. Get it.

I've been there. And you say, yeah, you've been worse. And that's amazing. That's a really cool situation, man. You're the perfect guy for the job, man. Thank you. I'm lucky he's doing it. I got a great job, man.

This was a great conversation. It was a lot of fun. Thank you, man. Really interesting stuff. I'm a huge fan. Honored to be here. I know you don't want to lie, but it's exciting. I'm a huge fan as well, man, especially now.

And what is your podcast again? How can people get it? Podcast is 5 Decisions Away. Go on iTunes or 5decisionsaway.com. What category is it on iTunes? We're TV and there it is right there. We are TV and entertainment. So it turns out it's actually pretty.

By the way, it's for non-iTunes users. You have for non-iTunes users. Yeah, I'm not a Mac guy. I'm not an Apple guy. Oh, it's not iTunes? I do all this shit myself. No, I mean like. No, we're on iTunes.

It's called iTunes. But you don't like Macs? I just never committed to it. You never committed to it? I'm still hanging on, yeah. I own a business still. I mean, so I'm still PC. How many viruses do you get?

Five a day. For real? Oh, sure. I mean, good Lord. Do you really get a lot of viruses? A lot. Yeah, I mean, porn, you get viruses. Are you addicted to porn as well?

I enjoy it. I'm not going to lie. I'm married. I am married. I mean, it's a lot easier. Yeah. We should have got you a flashlight. Spank wire.

Could you bring one home or would you get in trouble? Oh, no. I don't need that. You don't need that? It's too much effort. Yeah. We should have got you a flashlight. Spank wire. Could you bring one home or would you get in trouble? Oh, no. I don't need that. You don't need that. It's too much effort. Too much effort? I'm two minutes in and out. I'm done.

Really? I mean, I work a lot. I need to be in bed, man. Give me two minutes. I'm done. Think of a buddy's wife. I'm out. Boom.

Think of your buddy's wife. Really? You have a buddy with a wife. We had a conversation about that the other night. Someone was like, have you ever masturbated to your wife? And everybody in the room was like, no. Never thought about my actual own wife. Right.

Someone else's wife. You thought about your buddy's wife? Always. We always say, who do you, who's your, we call the closer. He has that show, The Closer on CBS. And we always call each other's wives the closer. Really? Because if you can't do it, man, that's the closer.

Someone else's wife. Wow. So you're being honest about jerking off to each other's wives Does he jerk off to your wife as well? I'm sure he does, my wife's hot But he doesn't tell you this? You're just putting it in his face I'm sure he is, man

His wife's hot, but it's not an achievement if I'm thinking of my wife Have you ever tried to set up your wives together? No, it's too much work Maybe they like it, get some Merlot I'm old school, I love my wife I love being married, it's too much work. Maybe they like it. Get some Merlot. I don't know. I'm old school. I love my wife.

I love being married. It's a good thing. I love being a dad. It's fun. But you got to do what you got to do. Well, I think you definitely have a certain happiness from knowing the darkest sides of your personality and what you're capable of getting yourself into. This is a life I never thought I'd have. This is so cool.

So I would never want to fuck that up. That's beautiful, man. Listen, Matt, you're a great guy. Thank you very much for coming on here. It was a lot of fun. I never thought I'd have. This is so cool. So I would never want to fuck it up. That's beautiful, man. Listen, Matt, you're a great guy. Thank you very much for coming on here. It was a lot of fun. I really, really appreciate it. Anytime you ever want to come back. I will.

Don't offer it. I'll come. You're on. Come on. I'm offering it anytime. Come on down. And you can get him. Please follow Matt on Twitter.

It's Clutter Cleaner. One word, Clutter Cleaner at Twitter. And his podcast, Five Decisions Away. You can get it on iTunes. You can get it on fivedecisionsaway.com. Either one. And there's an app. And there's an app. Atlanta. The tickets are on sale for the second show.

Yes, I am filming my DVD on April 20th like a true stoner. Because it was 420. I couldn't pass. Plus it was Atlanta. I have been in Atlanta a long time. And I had the opportunity to play at this place called The Tabernacle, which is this amazing theater in Atlanta. I have been in Atlanta a long time. And I had the opportunity to play at this place called the Tabernacle, which is this amazing theater in Atlanta.

It's going to be me, Joey Diaz, and Duncan Trussell. The first show is sold out, but we just released tickets for a second show. It's going to be at 1030. We're filming during both shows, so don't worry about it. Like, don't say, fuck, like a lot of people got mad. I already have tickets to the eight show. This is bullshit. We're filming the eight o'clock show too.

Don't worry about it. We're going to have a great fucking time. Again, Joey Diaz, Brian Redband's coming. Duncan Truss is going to be there. Little Hobo will be there as well. And I will be releasing this on the internet, Louis C.K. style, for five bucks. The easiest way to do it.

Yeah, Louis changed the game. It's a game changer, bitches. That is the end of our four podcasts in a row week, Brian. How are you feeling? I'm ready to take a nap. You want to get something to eat? I'm starving. You want to get some yum yums?

Yeah. Thank you, everybody. Thank you for being the coolest fucking audience members in the world. Everywhere we go, we are constantly being told how generous the fans of the podcast are, how cool people are, and how nice and what a pleasure it is to wait on you guys. And that means the world to me. I it is to wait on you guys and that means the world to me I just want to say

thank you thank you very much for that next weekend I'm at the Comedy and Magic Club the weekend after that I'm at the Louisville Improv all the information is available on JoeRogan.net

and this weekend Friday and Saturday we are here at the Ice House in the Annex it's the 85 seat room the shit sells out quickly and it's going to be

a lot of our friends Joe Diaz Duncan Trussell whoever's around we got a lot of guys coming down so good times are coming you fucking freaks and uh we won't see you until next week okay next week bye everybody all right see ya Thank you.