The Joe Rogan Experience - #1969 - Sam Tallent

Episode Date: April 12, 2023

Sam Tallent is a stand-up comic, writer, and actor. He is one of the hosts of the "Chubby Behemoth" podcast, and author of the novel "Running the Light." www.samtallent.com

The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night. All day. I've been running Sam Talent. Get them headphones and join the fucking party. Get the microphone up about like a fist from your face. Jamie, how's this? Do I sound powerful and elegant?

Thank you. Bro, you are powerful and elegant. Thanks, man. You are enough. I appreciate that. I'm good enough. I had a friend of mine and she was asking me something just about comedy. And I go, I just, you know, no one, I don't like my stuff. No one likes their stuff. Like you see it too much. It just like it gets in your head. And you're like, ugh. I look at it like a hater. And she goes, I just want you to know, no matter what, that you are enough. I go, what?

I go, no, no, no. That's not what I'm saying. I'm not saying I don't like my stuff, like I have a problem, like I'm a crazy person. No, I'm just like, that's just the process. I feel good. Right. But that thing that people say to people, you are enough enough i just want you to know that you are enough look i don't need validation from you lady she's a nice lady i'm sure she's a nice lady very nice lady but i don't think you're going to her to be like can you hold my hand through this difficult period

i think some people do do that to people and they go fishing for that kind of response yeah that you are enough i'm like no no I'm okay. It's like look I know Look around lady. I kind of made Austin a thing. Yeah, I know I'm okay. I mean it's sweet of her, but I also hate watching my shit dude. It's that'd be my Guantanamo That making me watch all my old specials. Oh yuck Or like a YouTube clip from like 2007. That's the thing that you have to do too. Like when working on new material, I either watch or listen to it. Yeah.

Have to listen to it. Just have to. I got to know like what makes me groan. What makes me go yuck. What's the cringe in there? Yeah. What's the yuck? How do I cut the yuck out of that?

Yeah. It's just like you're going to have that. You got to look at your act like you're a hater. Oh, for sure. I do. Luckily, I never have any moments where I'm like, oh, this is working out. I watch and I'm like, why is your leg like that? I can barely hear the joke.

I'm like, Jesus Christ, look at your hair. When did that leave? Look how far that's receding. Jesus. How long have you been shaving your head? 12 years. Yeah. Something like that. I'm going there man yeah

it's way better yeah yeah yeah yeah you don't think about it anymore it's like oh it's like one less thing to think about if you have a good shaped head i don't like some people have flat heads yeah their heads flat but now you got a new joke about having a flat head yeah then i have to turn around or have a mirror behind me that's fine yeah it's all right i'm gonna get into props look at the flat yeah no i don't have a good head. It's bumpy. I think if I shaved my head, I would go mutton chops. I would leave the chops.

Why don't you go fucking full Sufi beard? Yeah, just lower. Just the lower beard, like from Dagestan. Yeah, right here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Amish. Go underneath the chin. Does all the Amish do it? They go underneath, right?

I think there's some kind of recessive allele where they're not like God keeps them from having any hair on their cheeks. There's so many Muslims who fight in the UFC who have shaved heads and they grow a full ass beard. There's the Amish one. That's ridiculous. So he is shaving it. That shit is not catching on. No. To anybody.

No. Yeah, that's a weird middle ground, right? Because he could eat food with no problem at all, which is like kind of a cop-out. You know what he's not eating? What? Pussy. They don't eat pussy? I don't think so.

They're not allowed to eat pussy? Those guys' forearms, have you seen an Amish guy with his shirt off? They jerk off a lot, I'm sure. Your shirt? But they have to do it to memory, right? Yeah, I think so. They can't be watching porn. No.

The Amish bears typically- They just have wood carvings. What did you say? Because Amish men shave their mustaches off, you may be wondering how now if an Amish beers typically have wood carvings. What did you say? Because Amish men shave their mustaches off, you may be wondering now if an Amish are allowed to shave. While married men may shave their mustaches only, unmarried men may shave their beards too. The only prohibition on shaving applies to the beards of married men. Oh, okay. So it's like a wedding ring.

So once you have a full beard, all the hoes need to leave you the fuck alone. Yeah, it's like, hey, I'm taking ladies. Yeah, he's taking bitches. That's why he's growing this gross-ass beard. Yeah, God forbid they see your chin. Isn't it funny that you're on the marketplace if you don't have a beard? You're this guy out there with no beard. Yeah, you're swinging your peacock.

Yeah, imagine the fucking Mrs. Amish and Mr. Amish have a fight, and you just watch this bitch. Just half of it. She shaves his beard off. Halfway out the door. She starts crying, runs outside, makes some butter real quick. Makes some butter. They don't have any electricity.

They make their own houses. Dude, those Amish, the way they raise houses so quick. Oh, they're really good at it. Yeah. And then Mennonites, they're, you know, they're like rough around the edges. I don't And then Mennonites, they're, you know, they're like rough around the edges. I don't know any Mennonites, but I did meet one with Ari Shafir at the airport, and I found out because he asked her. What are you?

Yeah. Classic Ari. Oh, no, it wasn't at the airport. I'm sorry. It was at a rest stop. It was at a rest stop in Massachusetts, I think. We were in between gigs, just driving to a gig. What are you? What'd you ask her? What what are you yeah what what is that yeah she's wearing an outfit what's up with the bonnet which one are you it is fucking weird

though man that it's it's you know what's weird is that when people do a really shitty job it's a cult when they do a really good job it's a religion but it's basically the same system that it works on in the human brain yeah it works on the same mechanisms like someone has all the answers and they have a connection to a higher power that's why you know one thing that creeps me out about um uh atheism it's not atheism itself it's that i think that tendency to just find a group of ideas that you will wholesale subscribe to is like built into us i think it's a cultural thing like war and i think when people don't have that if if it's not like if they don't have christianity or islam or buddhism or judaism whatever they don have, they'll put it into

something else. I think that, I think it's a normal part of being a person for some strange reason. Well, yeah, it's, we were trying to find community all the time, right? We're seeking ways to like make whatever our small group is be safe and maybe work with other like-minded groups. And when it comes to like atheism, it's wild when people become fundamental about that. Yeah. Like when you're devout to the idea of atheism, it's like, exactly.

I don't think there's anything after this, you know, but I'm also not going to like become an apostate for many other ideas. You know, I don't know why anybody would be sure one way or the other. Oh, I don't know. Cause you have to be,

I think. Unless some, well, it would help you if you were. Yeah. So the thing about it, like Jordan Peterson says this, that you should live your life as if God is real. And if you live your life as if God is real, you will definitely live a better life. I was like, that's a very interesting way of thinking about it, because if you're wrong, there's no consequences.

Right. You just die. But if you're living that way, at the very least, you'll have less anxiety. Oh, for sure. You'll have more of a sense of purpose. You'll probably do the right thing more often because you'll be sort of like aiming to that, like looking to do – like as a good Christian. I know a lot of people that are Christians that are really good people. And it's because they aim towards that.

They think about that all the time. They think about what would God want me towards that. They think about that all the time. They think about what would God want me to do? They think about what does God teach? And they like, they're aiming in that. They're still human. They're still, we're all fucked for sure.

But they're aiming in that direction. Let's underline that. We are all fucked. Let's not forget that. The whole population. I don't like when people do things, uh, because they are trying to cash checks in heaven.

I do like it when you're just doing it because it's the right thing to do. Like when you give a homeless guy five bucks and he's like, God bless you, I'm the kind of dickhead who's like, there's no God involved in this. This is one man trying to help one man. I'm doing this because I think it's going to benefit you, not because I'm trying to get up to the big man. That's true, but maybe he's saying, God bless you. Like he's so happy that you did that for him. It's the nicest

He really hopes good things happen to you as well. I know it's a weird thing right because like you feel like if you buy Into it you're being a dupe you're getting duped. You know oh they got you they got you with that nonsense What they get you with that Mormonism shit. Yeah, you think you're gonna get your own planet when you die stupid Which is pretty cool. Let's be honest. If you're going to pick one. I have a friend in California, and she was a Mormon for a long time. And she decided to stop being a Mormon. And when she decided to stop being a Mormon, one of the craziest things that she said was, she goes, I realized that I was way more vulnerable to, like, weird culty stuff, like spirituality and yoga and that kind of stuff.

She goes, I felt like because I'd accepted devout Mormonism my whole life, I hadn't questioned anything. And as an adult, I think she left in her late 30s or 40s. So as an adult, like she just became vulnerable to like kind of hucksters, energy healers and, you know, that kind of hucksters, energy healers, and that kind of shit. It seemed like, oh, that makes sense. That's what I'm looking at.

There's a fucking program in our head where we want to believe nonsense. And whether that program is attached to the Republican Party, whether it's attached to being a fucking Buddhist. Did you see the Dalai Lama sucking on that kid's tongue? Yeah. What the fuck? Oh, yeah. Could you... Slurping a boy tongue?

In front of a bunch of people. Yeah. A whole bunch of people. What the fuck? You thought you were going to get away with this? What the fuck? What the fuck is that? I watched it.

I was like, this is wild. Oh. I remember they tried to cancel him a few years back because uh he was talking about marriage and they said you have you took a vow of celibacy like how do you feel about this and he's like i have so many friends and uh they're married and uh and then they get divorced and they're not happy and then the woman takes all their money ha ha ha ha yeah and this woman said something to the tune of well you know some women uh they make money too he's like oh good one high five something something oh sure now i've heard everything it was one of those

fucking it was a weird interview man but it was weird like he's like parroting out these tropes right you know about uh marriage and divorce and it's really funny it's like because some of them fail but this is supposed to be a spiritual leader right he's supposed to be like completely ascended and bigger than he's supposed to be he's supposed to be saying that some marriages are wonderful and beautiful because they are right like for him to say oh what i heard is they take your money yeah well it's like your dad's friend who doesn't get laid anymore you ever hang out with him at the bar you know dad's friend who doesn't get laid anymore doesn't have a video of him sucking on a kid's tongue like what the fuck man it's

probably a vhs tape he's got on laser disc. Did they record? I don't think laser discs record. I have no idea. That's hilarious. The Dalai Lama also said at one point, he was like, we got to keep Europe for Europeans. Yeah. He was like, too many refugees are coming in.

That was crazy. Yeah, I know. Like, what the fuck are you saying, man? Hey, Dalai Lama, just let the kids sit on your lap. That's enough. Yeah. Hey, dude, how about don't do that? Quit smooching the kids in general. Yeah, don't tell a kid to suck your tongue. Yeah.

It's actually not on camera. That seems like there should be jail time for something like that. What is that? I don't think he can get in trouble. In Tibet, sticking out one's tongue is known as a traditional greeting, stemming from a 9th century myth about an unpopular king with a black tongue. His tongue was doing blackface. When the king died, the Tibetans revealed their tongues to show they had to become his incarnate.

Whoa. Tongue sucking does not appear a part of the tradition. That's where you cross the line. If they just stuck tongues at each other, bro, you would have skated scot-free. The PR team is working hard spin on that one. Hard spin. Wait until Rachel Maddow gets a hold of it. I know.

She'll find a way. She'll find a way. It happened in February. It came out like a week, couple days ago, which is kind of weird. So it's a hit campaign against the llama? Yeah, it's like a few weeks old. I saw him talk once. Sometimes it just takes a while for something like that to catch.

Oh, yeah. But today. I mean, if it was Don Lemon, I would say, yeah, they're trying to get rid of him. But the Dalai Lama? I don't think they can get him out. I have no idea why it would have came out. How do you get out the Dalai Lama? I don't even mean to pick on Don Lemon.

I'm saying someone who's on television. It was some... But even then, if that information's available... Look how many people were there. Yeah. That's obviously like a cell phone footage, right? Is that what it is? Well, it was a fundraiser for some kind of like Indian tech company.

How wild. Yeah. How wild. Just be kissing a kid in front of everybody. Which is already too much. Tongue kissing. Yeah. Suck on my tongue.

What are you talking about? I've never had a kid that close to my own face where i could say suck on my tongue isn't it interesting it's interesting like what we choose to consider intimate contact because hands like if he had that boy's hand in his hand and he put his hand over it and said i wish you a wonderful happy life you're a beautiful human being and just go out there and be kind to everybody everybody that's cool. Sweet gesture. Yeah, sweet gesture. When you like fully hug someone, you can hug them for a couple seconds.

Yeah. You got to let go. You can't like stand there for 10 minutes just like rubbing their back. People go, hey, hey, hey, Dalai Lama, let the kid go. Hey, your robe is getting tinted, Dalai. You violated the time. Yeah, you broke the time clock. There's a time clock that goes when someone hugs.

Uh-huh. You get like a real good friend, it's like you got like a 10-second countdown. Let it linger. 10-second countdown. Uh-huh. 10 seconds is a long time to be hugging someone. Oh, it's a lot. Like, ready?

Here's 10 seconds. And go. So here we are. We're touching chest to chest. Our genitals are near each other. I can smell your neck right now. We're still hugging. Uh-huh.

All right, now we're done hugging. Oh, man. That's kind of a hug. But I've done that. I've done a 10-second hug with a good friend. Sure, it feels good. But now with a little boy that I don't know in the middle of nowhere. Also, how did that boy get in there?

Don't show me this. I don't want to see this again. I don't want to see this. That boy snapped back like a cobra ready to fucking strike. He's like, why are you making me suck your tongue, you old fucking weirdo? It's like when the noodle hits your lips finally. It snaps at the sound. But what I'm getting at is it's interesting that kissing is such an intimate act.

It clearly is. But I wonder how that even got started. People's breath must have been horrible back in the day. Oh, terrible. Rotting meat in there. Oh, God. No dentists. Your teeth all fell out uh-huh

and they most like they got knocked out you probably got infections from cracked teeth from getting hit with a rock uh-huh you know yeah i bet a lot of people died from like mouth infections well yeah you're like trying to eat everything you find yeah you don't even know what's edible yeah uh-huh and when did they start kissing i don't know let's find that out let's take a guess when you think uh kissing was? What if it was like 1900? Yeah, whenever France became a country. What if nobody kissed until the 1900s? It was a revolution.

I'm going to guess it's like some Mesopotamia shit. For sure. Yeah, I'm going to guess that it started like thousands of years ago. Cradle of civilization. I'd say pre-pyramids. Pre-pyramids? Whoa. Yeah. Strong. Yeah. Strong guess. What else did you have to do back then?

Make a toothbrush? Like, why would you kiss somebody? That seems crazy. You're figuring out what holes are safe. That's true. Yeah. But you could wash the body off, like eating pussy and blowjobs and stuff. That kind of makes sense.

You just want to get crazy. I think blowjobs happened before sex did. I bet you went mouth first. No. There was a fur-covered hole down there. You're going to try and jam up in that thing? Watch chimps. Chimps fuck each other. No, I've watched chimps fuck each other. I bet you have. Oh, yeah. I've been down that road. So your guess is

pre-dynastic Egypt. Sure. 5,000, 6,000 years ago. I just said pyramids, but yeah. Yeah. Well, that's like 5,000 years ago. Okay. Supposedly. They don't even really know. What do you think? Jamie? I've got two answers. I was trying to figure out which one. What was your question?

You didn't have one? The first answer Google gives back is the first recorded kiss is 1500 BC, which sounds recent. Interesting. It's very recent. Right below that is a link to a longer piece that says some researchers believe that

kissing began millions of years ago as a result of mouth-to-mouth feeding. Interesting. And that's going into like, well, why didn't everybody do it then? Because you had to chew the food for the child? Do you know that you can get syphilis from kissing people? No. I didn't either.

I saw it on a TikTok video. Must be true How dirty is that mouth? It was a Instagram reels That's what it was He was like having this guy Standing there And all these different girls

Were coming by and kissing him And he was pointing out All the different types of diseases That you can get from mouth kissing someone Yeah Herpes and syphilis And gonorrhea All these different things

You can get from mouth kissing people I thought it was just herpes That wasphilis and gonorrhea, all these different things you get from mouth kissing people. I thought it was just herpes. That was my biggest fear. I thought so, too. Somehow I dodged that bullet. This guy figured out a way to scare the fuck out of everybody, and they're never going to kiss again. I'm going to keep kissing. I'm still smooching my old lady when I get home.

Well, you're married. But if you're some wild dude at the bar, you might die. Secondly, kissing can also transmit syphilis, which may present as an oral canker. What is that? Canker? Canker sore? Yeah. T-Palladium can invade mucus membranes through abrasion.

Therefore, oral canker can result from kissing with a syphilis patient. Therefore, kissing with a syphilis patient. If you're that horny and you're in the fucking hospital with them, like, come on, just one kiss. That deleted scene from Patch Adams. He's smooching all the sailors when they get back from... He's like, they don't have much time to live. Yeah. Try to make them feel better.

Yeah, they need this. They give them some love. Yeah, I mean, what the fuck? You're on a deathbed. I would smooch someone on the deathbed. Easy. Yeah, especially if you love them. Yeah, you have to.

You're worried about a little syphilis. They cure that now. Also, there's no way that I'm not dying before my wife. Is your wife healthy? Oh, yeah.

What's that supposed to mean, Joe? Not that healthy, Sam. I'm okay. I think you're a comedian. I am a comedian. You're a very funny guy. Thank you. Most funny guys

are out of their fucking minds. Yeah. And it presents itself in a bunch of different ways. So when you say something like that, it kind of opens the door for me to say, well, why would that be Sam? You think I'm in here wearing this poor XL sweatshirt in the Austin heat because I'm confident about my body? Well, I think it's just because you don't have a sweet brody t-shirt. I don't dude. Positive push. Yeah. I think if you saw me nude, you'd go, huh? No, I think I'd go, I've seen that before.

You think so? Sure. I like to think I have a unique situation under here. You don't. No? No. What? I'm like Butterbee.

I'm an average American at the beach. It's normal. I'm very good at the beach. Water is not a problem for me, dude. It's those damn sailing vessels that keep trying to harpoon me. When I was a kid, my buddy Jimmy, his dad used to be able to go to the ocean and he drank a lot of beer and he would float. He would literally float. This dude was living the life. I was like,

maybe it's worth it being fat just for that. I'm so buoyant. He would go there and just get out in the ocean and float and I would sink like a fucking rock. I was like, ah. Kind of jealous. Well, I'm glad to hear you're jealous of me, Joe. Kind of jealous that you could just float. You know what's a fun move for me? Laying on the sand and

the waves crashing me and spinning me like a nude egg. That's my favorite thing to do in the world, man. That's nice. Do you wear goggles or you just take it raw? I'll wear some goggles. Yeah, you don't want that salt water in your eyes, right? No. Does that shit bother you? I go open eyes. I'll go open eyes in a hot tub like a freak. Whoa. Yeah, that's how you get syphilis. That's how you get chlorine in your eyeballs. Uh-huh. I'm okay with it. Yeah?

Yeah. Chlorine can be good for you, right? I have a chlorine pool. We were talking with David Cho the other day, and he says he's got some new shit that does like, what is it to use? He had oxygenated. Oxygenated water. Which is like, okay.

Okay. Yeah. I mean, whatever works, right? It's already oxygen in there. Yeah. So you, whatever works, right? There's already oxygen in there. Yeah. So you can breathe the water? My pool guy said it's hard to do a saltwater one out here in Texas, though.

He said that there's something about the heat and humidity. It's like you're going to be still dosing it up with chlorine. Yeah. Because that algae just grows. A lot of my best moments are aquatic, honestly. Really? I excel. On land, I'm not that great. But you get me submerged. You ever heard of the aquatic ape theory? aquatic, honestly. Really? I excel. On land, I'm not that great. But you get me submerged.

Do you ever hear the aquatic ape theory? Oh, yeah. You do that? Yeah, yeah. I think I'm proof. I think I'm a vestigial tail. There's a lot of interesting things that are attached to it, like the idea that babies come out so full of fat, whereas other babies of other primates are sinewy and muscular.

And they can take care of themselves way quicker than we can. Yeah, we're frail. Yeah, we're super frail. Yeah, we're just soft little mushers. We're super frail but is that the price you pay for being so fucking smart? I think you need to. Yeah, it has to balance out. Yeah, if we were just apex predators and also able to tie our shoes.

Right. But that's why we associate like meatheads with being stupid right you know yeah that's no good it's tough when a meathead is also like uh very well learned because then there's just like a bunch of stuff to be jealous of you know like the first time we met i don't know if you remember this we were in front of your beautiful comedy club and it was tim dylan was there yeah and we went to shake hands it was first time. I met you and we shook like this What do we do? My fingers. Oh my fingers. Yeah, and I was like well. I just blew it. I don't even remember it Oh, I do. I've thought about it a lot Joe. Yeah, no, I was like well

That's not how you shake hands as a human. Well. We just did it again. What's my it felt good? What is that? I'm good man scared of that shit. I used to smoke it 24-7. What happened? I started having panic attacks. Yeah, it started giving me heart attack symptoms. Those are fun. No, I rode it out too. I tried for like three years after that shit started happening. I would just be getting high in a car, and I'd feel something flutter in my chest, and I'd be like, well, this is how I go down, waiting in line at Chick-fil-A.

Maybe it was the wings of angels. It could have been, yeah. It was that LDS lady, that Mormon lady who loves snake oil so much she believes in Capricorns. In the arms of the angels. That's what it is. That's the flittering.

That's the flittering inside of you. I mean, when I go down, I'm going to go down in a big, bold way. You think so? You're thinking about it. Of course, all the time. How often?

How old are you now? 35. You look good for 35. Come on. Come on, Joe. What the fuck, man? What age are you pushing for? I would like to hit 70.

That'd be sick. Oh, you could do that. Yeah. Yeah. Well. Because the meat's not marbled the way you think it is. Like, yes, there is this topsoil of soft, doughy fat. But underneath there is some bulk.

Yeah. Did you do sports as a kid? Oh, yeah. Do you exercise at all now? Yeah. Were you All-State in what? All-State football? No shit.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah, me and Shane would have been a hell of an offensive line. Why don't you and Shane get together and fucking snap each other into shape? Shane's actually gotten into shape. I know. He looks a lot better. Yeah.

He's starting to look bulky again. Uh-huh. Yeah. He's starting to look big. He's obsessed with his biceps. Shows the guns. Shows the guns. They're pretty big. I know. He looks a lot better. Yeah. He's starting to look bulky again. Uh-huh. He's obsessed with his biceps. Shows the guns. Shows the guns. They're pretty big. I know.

Big guy. And there's this cage fighter in Arkansas that used to open for me, Chris Pierce. And he made me buy weights during pandemic because he just body shamed me to the point of me being like, well, it's either this or a bullet and a gun. So I got in there and I've been dead lifting and shit and everything with my legs. It's the upper body that I fear because it's so weak. Well, you can get into shape, buddy. I'm trying.

I want to live. Okay. As I light a cigar at 1.30. We can help you. Yeah. I know people in Denver. Yeah. There's a lot of good gyms in Denver.

I know. I live in Fort Collins now Oh, how far is that an hour? Okay. I'm also on the road all the time, right? So it's really hard to be a human being when you're it's hard out there Yeah, the road is tricky like you gotta like you gotta treat it like work She's a fickle bitch the road when you get into that hotel room You want to take a nap, but you really can't you really got to go to the gym? Well, you want to nap after you whack that too on a pool pod and then you want to take a nap, but you really can't. You really got to go to the gym. Well, you want to nap after you whack.

That too. You want to pull a pud, and then you want to nap. If I know I need to nap, that's when I'll give me an old target of rescue. I gave it up. Gave up beating off? I got to save it for my wife. Oh. I got to give her my essence.

I get it. Yeah. Trying to make a kid? No. No. You just want a good volume. Well, yeah. That's what I'm worried about, is a heft of load. I want it to be a good volume. Well, yeah, that's what I'm worried about is heft of load. I want it to be a bulky deposit.

Imagine if your self-esteem was connected to the size of your load. When you're a lad, it is, dude. I mean, but sort of. Yeah. Not so crazy. Like if it's a big one, it's like, whoa. But if it's like a regular one, it doesn't like bum you out. No.

In fact, I'm excited when it's little. Are you? Really? Yeah, it's less of a mess. Ah, there you go. Because when you're in a hotel, you know where it goes. That's right. Yeah. Yeah, you gotta shower off. Immediately. Immediately. Yeah, you just glaze the ham and then you go hop in the shower. Or just do a

gator roll in the sheets. It's up to you. It's totally up to you. Make it the Hyatt's problem. Yeah. But then you have that sheet stuck to you and you look like the dumpling paper well not you but my body you know just live in shame i do that's what we do accept it if i was confident i wouldn't be funny you know it's the craziest part of this whole thing well it's definitely like a motivating factor right yeah yeah it's

interesting like the different motivating factors that people get into when they get into comedy. Like, what year were you when you thought about doing it? Dude, there's, like, a video of me as, like, a two- or three-year-old sliding into the kitchen on my knees saying, I just flew in from Vegas and, boy, are my arms tired. It was, like, a preconceived, like, there's no thought. I'd have no memory of not wanting to be a comedian. Wow. What year were you?

How old were you, rather, when you first tried it? 2005. I was 18. Wow. Yeah. That's a good time. Yeah. I started when I was 21 because I thought you had to wait until you were 21 to get into

the bars. To get into the bars. I know. But then I met a guy there who was 19. I was like, how'd you get in here? Mm-hmm. And he's like, yeah, you just got to tell that, you know, you're here to just do comedy and they make sure you don't drink. They X your hands.

You stand, like, by the door. Is that what it is? I did all that shit, too, yeah. The Squire Lounge, the Lion's Lair in Denver, when I was starting. Dude, that's great. Yeah. What a good time to start. Dude, it was perfect. And also, girls were involved now. And all of a sudden, I was like, you know, desirable.

Because you're funny fine because you're funny yeah yeah and then you're also like bright-eyed and you just i have this like all-consuming romance to my life you know and uh there's a thing about someone who's obsessed with a goal yeah it's very attractive to people because it's like secretly what everybody kind of wants to be and some not everybody but a lot of people want to be in some ways like really dedicated to some dream yeah there's a great video that we put up on the mothership uh instagram site and it's bill burr and bill burr is talking about oh yeah you know the video yeah so let's play it let's play it because it's fucking what he says is amazing it's and it like speaks to every comic who got through that and

made it and every comic who's in the middle of it right now it's on mine too you could find it on mine you don't it always leads to something better always reset it because you said starving artists don't hurt yourself going for a dream who's you go after a dream. There it is. You don't. It always leads to something better. Always. All right? Starving artist. I slept on a futon until I was 36. I don't fucking regret any of it.

I was dating this woman, and I said I had a spot I had to go do, and it paid $8 at the comic strip during the week. Tuesday night, I went down down there and i came back i tried on a new bit and i was doing this and afterwards i was at home in my apartment and i was doing this silly dance in the kitchen because i had a new bit and i was psyched because i'd gone through this period where i wasn't coming up with any new material and she was laughing and then she got a sad look on her face and i said what's the matter and she said I wish I had a job where I only got paid eight dollars yet I came home and I did a silly dance in the kitchen the responsible thing to do is to listen to your heart it wasn't hard to work at the

shitty job because I was always thinking about the exciting job I was going to do afterwards and every night that I just went up on stage and if it just went moderately okay, I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe, I have to be honest with you, like, I couldn't fucking believe that I was actually doing it.

That I was actually, I had a dream and I was making it happen. And I still remember the first time I really went on stage and I actually got in the zone for what was considered a zone at the level comic I was. And I only was in the zone for about eight seconds. I was at Nick's Comedy Stop in Framingham

on Route 9. It doesn't even exist anymore. And I just got on this roll of laughter that I was actually able to pause and fucking be in the moment and enjoy it rather than being like, oh my God, what's my next joke? What's my next joke? And that fucking feeling can carry you through a fucking shitty job for a week. Freddie Stone, excitable boy. That's what he went by. I did a room for him, and he gave me $5 gas money.

I probably spent $10 to get there, and I couldn't fucking believe it. And I was like, I did that, and they gave me this. I couldn't fucking believe it. At what point just listen to the sound of my voice as i'm talking about this have you ever had that level of excitement doing any other fucking job that's what it's like when you're you you go after a dream job so nothing nothing is worse than not going after it. Yeehaw.

Gets me fucking fired up, dude. Yee-fucking-haw. Yes. I had no regrets. I was eating out of dumpsters. Yeah. I was sleeping on floors. You ate out of dumpsters? Hell yeah, dude.

What'd you get out of a dumpster? You'd go to 7-Eleven, and you would get, when they threw out the chicken wings and the pizza. Did you time it? Yeah, he knew the time. As it hit the dumpster, you could get in there quick? There was a window. There was about a half hour to an hour when he knew it was going to hit the dumpster. What's the best thing you ever got out of a dumpster?

Croissants. Damn. And bagels in upstate New York. Were they in the package still? No. They were on trash. Oh, no. Yeah.

Oh, no is right. But also, I didn't have a job. What was the trash that they were on, though? Are we talking cardboard boxes? There were some boxes. Or are we talking food and coffee grounds and shit? Yeah, it was all sorts, you know? Oh, boy.

Yeah. But I didn't have to wake up at any time, you know? It was a survival mechanism because I was attacking stand-ups so hard. Wow. Yeah. That's awesome. Sleeping on the ground, taking greyhounds. All that shit, now you look back and you're like, that's romantic.

I remember the bus days. Yeah. I did the bus to at least two gigs that i can remember yeah it's like oh my god when you're on the bus man you're on just like who knows how many serial killers are with you who knows how many fucked up people are on that bus i was the only white boy on a bus from houston to lafayette louisiana how was that it was awesome it was a mobile party dude it was like a cameo video yeah because i was sitting in the back and then the bus loaded up and people were passing around bottles of gin and I had a weed hash pen. So as soon as that gin bottle hit me, they all like

looked at me and I was like, and then I hit the weed pen and blew it out and everyone was like, all right. And then the pen circulated. By the time I got off that bus, I was blackout drunk, but boy was I invited to a lot of barbecues. That's awesome. It was awesome, man. That's awesome. Yeah. Yeah. They do church better.

They do buses better. Yeah. Black folks got a lot of stuff figured out that white people haven't figured out yet. Yeah. We're so uptight, man. Yeah. Well, their church is definitely more fun. Yeah.

They have gospel music. There's no more fun in America than the black churches. They dance and sing. And that's why I'm sure you've seen that video of Biden at a black church. He's just standing there. Everybody's having a great fucking time. My favorite video from a black church ever is the I'm Not Gay No More. Dude, slam dunk.

That guy deserves a goddamn Academy Award just for the entertainment value of that video. And the acting, because he was clearly still gay. He's delivered, bro. I'm not gay no more. I am delivered. I don't like men no more.

Look at how he's dancing. Women. Women, women, women. I said women. And my favorite part is when everybody dances with him. And they do one of the gayest things ever. They surround him like a gangbang. And he loves it.

There's like 30 guys around him. Look at his complex bow tie. That bow tie is outrageous for a straight man. It's again? No, I think it's on a loop. Why are you lying in church? That's the same way that a 12-year-old boy that is straight lies about getting pussy. Where he's like, I've had pussy.

Women, women, women, women. All kinds, bro. Now they're all dancing together. I think he came out recently and was like, that was a lie. I'm still very gay. He's got a popular Instagram account. Good for him. Good for him.

Because that's what's fucked up about that is that if you want to get accepted in that religion, they have a thing about gay people in a lot of religions, not just that one, not just Christianity. Andrew Caldwell. Mr. Delivered. It's spelled wrong that's hilarious but that's the best way to say it i am delivered that's good branding that's not bad now we helped him give him a little boost dude morning show it's just fucked that you can't be both religious and gay like what come on gay guys are super fun black guys are super fun gay black guys oh my god

oh my god there's no more church of all time it's the great well i don't know the church i think Come on. Gay guys are super fun. Black guys are super fun. Gay black guys? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. There's no much fun. They'll be the greatest church of all time. It's the great church. Gay black church? I think they call that the club. That's true, too. It's just a foam party.

Yeah, dude. When we lived in Hollywood, right down the street from the comedy store was Boys Town. Oh, yeah. And if you drove there on the way to the 405, it's five blocks of partying, man. It's going off. They're going off. Yeah, dude. You just randomly see dudes with chaps on and cowboy hats with no shirt partying, man. It's going off. They're going off. Yeah, dude. You randomly see dudes with like chaps on

and cowboy hats with no shirt. Oh, yeah. Just kissing on the street. Wearing sunglasses at 3 a.m. Yeah, I always joke around about it, but it's like five blocks of no one saying no. Because it's all yang, no yin, and no one can get pregnant.

Suck my tongue. It's a lot of that. Okay, here's the suck my tongue thing. Here's the problem with that video. Here's the problem with that. here's the suck my tongue thing here's the problem with that video here's the problem with that yeah hold the dolly llama thing because the the tinfoil hat 4chan style conspiracy theory is that there's elite pedophiles that run the world right and i was i'm always reluctant to buy into that but then I watch a few documentaries and I read a few cases. And then you hear about the Epstein Island thing.

And then he gets out of it the first time. The Franklin scandal. There's a bunch of those. And you go, how? Does that still exist? Is it happening right now? Yeah. Yes.

And someone's going to uncover it. The Catholic Church church uh-huh how crazy the dalai lama the dalai lama i mean who knows you know maybe just yeah i don't want to maybe just like maybe he just thinks it's fun yeah it's funny and silly it was a bit he was doing yeah a little funny thing we've all bombed yeah we've all had a boy suck our tongue yeah if you thought it was gonna get a laugh yeah if you thought it would going to get a laugh. Yeah, if you thought it would kill you, it's a good closer. Yeah, just a freak. It's shock jock stuff.

Yeah, exactly. He's like Bubba the Love Sponge. I like Bubba. I got nothing against Bubba. It's a hilarious name. Bubba's a good guy. Yeah. Maybe it's...

I think that it's legit, man. But is it chicken or the egg? Right, right, right. That's the thing that people always say about whatever it's, child molesters in particular, that someone did it to them. Right. Hurt people hurt people. Yeah, and that somehow or another they're paused in that stage

of their emotional development where they got raped. Uh-huh. It's like when you hear an adult woman who still talks like a nine-year-old girl. You're like, oh no. Ooh. What happened here? Some girls do that

just to play dumb with you. Yeah. It's like a real pian. Uh-huh. Boy, do I fall for that. And then you hear them on the phone with their accountant.

Yeah. Whoa. So you have an accountant? This bitch can talk. Why are you fucking me? How come she can talk so well? When she's around me, she plays dumb.

That'd be a great move for a girl. Like, you know, go after some old billionaire. Uh-huh. And Nicole Smith? Oh,

well, I don't think she played. I think that was like a real clear transactional agreement. Dude, she got me going as a young buck.

She was hot as fuck. Brother, so much woman. So much woman. So much woman. That was a big old Texas woman. Yes. Big hair.

160 pounder. I'd bet 220 by the end. Yeah, woman. That was a big old Texas woman. Yes. Big hair. That was like a 160 pounder. I'd bet 220 by the end. Yeah, the end is not what I'm going on. Oh, I'm going on the end. I'm going on the thicker days. Yeah, when I could actually get her. When I had a shot. The end, if you just had a bag of pills, she'd been yours.

Oh, yeah, you just shake her. That's her in the early, early days. Yeah, and look. She was lovely. But I'm talking deathbed Anna Nicole Smith. Oh, boy. That's her a little larger. Yeah, and look. She was lovely. But I'm talking deathbed Anna Nicole Smith. Ooh, boy. That's her a little larger. Yeah, she's punishing that guy's lap.

That's what I'm talking about. That guy's getting hurt. Yeah, when your femurs are sore. His thigh. He's going to get nerve damage from that. That's dangerous. God damn, dude. She was super hot when she was young.

I think top to bottom. I see no faults in her. Yeah, well, she's a fucking genetic specimen. And then there's a lot of You know Thank you Jamie Thank you for bringing me back To make them

Isn't it fascinating That like Big giant fake tits Are so Attractive to men And so obvious It's like the most obvious trick Of all time

The most obvious trick Yeah Like you We know 100% of the time When they're fake And no one cares Well we also love Up close magic And we know 100% of the time when they're fake, and no one cares. Well, we also love up-close magic, and we know that's a ruse. Yeah, but up-close magic

is, like, way more deceptive. Yeah. You know, they're really good. I had David... You know what I'm saying? Like, what is he doing? David Blaine freaked me the fuck out, man, because he did... Jamie's good at spotting this shit, too. And Jamie sat there, he goes, I'm just gonna watch everything he does, I'm gonna gonna keep my eyes on him and i'm gonna try to figure out what

he's doing yeah and he could not figure it out and the dude rolled his sleeves up too to show it was wild shit he was doing some wild shit he's doing some sleight of hand that was like he might he might know real witchcraft yeah this might be like one of them comic book things he's a guy makes a living like being a, but he's actually a wizard. Uh-huh. Like, legitimately. Gandalf still had to pay the bills. Didn't you feel like that?

I felt- He's a wizard. Yeah. It's not real. He's not a real person. I also didn't want to know, because then it ruins it. That does, dude, yeah.

But then he made me do things that was totally real. Like, when I stuck that metal rod through his skin, I'm like, I know what you're doing. You just can deal with pain. Did you see what happened to him recently at his show in Vegas? No. Two accidents happened.

Oh, no. With Blaine? Yeah, one. The first one was crazy, but then another one happened. First one, you know the, it's an illusion, if you will. There's like a spike,

and then there's like bags or cups over one of the spikes, and you gotta like figure out. Oh, and he hit the spike? He pulled someone from the crowd, and they picked the wrong one, and his hand went right through out. Oh, and he hit the spike? He pulled someone from the crowd, and they picked the wrong one, and his hand went right through it.

Oh, no. A guy in the audience did? It was a woman, but yeah. Oh, no. A woman's hand. No, no. Put his hand through it. Oh, Jesus Christ. Not someone from the audience, sorry.

And then another one, he jumped off of a very high thing into boxes and hit the ground and separated his shoulder. Oh, no. And had to have doctors from the crowd come in and try to like put it back in place oh no on on like in the middle of the show it took like an hour oh no this sounds like a work like a separated shoulder that's what it sort of seems that way because i've seen enough of his show i don't think so man i think he he's a fascinating

guy yeah really fucking smart dude and really nice guy too and he is obsessed with like first of all the the sleight of hand shit it's it's insane right jamie oh yeah like tell me like when you were watching it tell me you weren't like absolutely blown away there's extra stuff going on that you can't even you'd have to break it down for about an hour or two with someone you'd have to like watch him on high speed video and then slow it down to a couple frames a second. Here's the jumping accident. I don't want to watch this. You can barely tell what happens.

Oh, dude. I can tell what happens? That's fear factor. Bro, that shit's ridiculous. I'm glad he wore a lav mic for that. They edited together this video. Jesus Christ. He was in pain there.

So he's a skilled magician, and he's also willing to get hurt. And he also is willing to stand on ice for three days. What the fuck did he do? That's not magic, though. No. Well, neither was the standing on ice thing. Yeah. He did a lot of those weird things. There's a magic to that, though? That's not magic though. It was a standing on ice thing. He did a lot of those weird things. There's a magic to that though. That's like mind over matter. It's like an ancient kind of magic.

A time before language. If it was real mind over matter, you could do it forever. It's not mind over matter. It's just will. You just have to be able to tolerate extreme cold and just deal with it and you do breathing exercises to force your body heat to stay warmer. But then there's also like the contact of your skin versus the cold that will eventually.

You get a thermal layer. One of the things that happens when you put ice on something is it develops a thermal layer. Your skin gets really red underneath it. If you ever look at your arm when you pull the ice off. Yeah. Like it's all red. You know, when you get out of the ice off, like it's all red. When you get out of an ice bath, your skin's super red. And that's what's going on.

You develop a thermal layer. I look like a newborn baby after an ice bath. I'm so pink. I think the same thing probably applies to that. I think after a while, the parts that are touching the ice, it doesn't bother you as much anymore. Whether it's the bottom of your feet, you could get frostbite. Exactly.

Did he have anything under his feet? When he did the ice, he was clothed. Oh, okay. Well, that makes more sense. Yeah. Probably have to be so your body doesn't touch the ice. Just encased. Yeah.

So basically- He went full Encino, man. I don't know what he was wearing, but you can wear some stuff that's remarkably warm, even if it gets wet, like merino wool. Oh, yeah. You can wear a merino wool layer. He could have a thick layer. What is he wearing when he was in the ice? He's shirtless right there.

Does he go out to take a leak? Three days. No, that's the only way he warms up. Block of ice for two days. So he's on a block of ice shirtless for two days? Seems like he took it off because he has... So he's like, man, it's hot as fuck in here. We sure that's not Drake?

He's a handsome fellow, isn't he? Oh, yeah. Look at his body, too. Legendary pussy getter, this guy. Look at David Blaine's body. Oh, yeah. Look on that like that. Jesus, you sexy bitch. Yep. Super, David Blaine's body. Oh, yeah. Look on that. Jesus, you sexy bitch.

Yep. Super, like I said, super nice guy, too. That's how I see myself in my head. That's how I think I look up top. By the way, he was doing magic tricks for everybody. Yeah. He did them for, my daughter came over, he did it for her, he was doing it for security guys, he was doing it for everybody.

It was amazing. Yeah. It's really dope. And no one figured out what the fuck he was doing. No, but like you said said You can't look into it Do you know how you film him? Ruins it I felt bad

I did He didn't say anything I don't think he did He bitched out He bitched out That's what he just said I just heard I bitched out

If I got the video Of him fucking From right behind Which like he didn't approve That would be That's true From behind is bullshit You can't

But if you can Get him from the front And see the hands moving. He was showing someone else a thing, and I walked up behind him with my camera out, and I was like, this feels. Couldn't he make the footage disappear? He could make Jamie disappear. Yeah.

He could with that body. Send Jamie to Epstein's Island. Oh, yeah. You'd love it down there, Jamie. There's something I found. You can clean and cheat. There's a video recently about this Epstein Island thing. I was trying to figure this out to show without showing what they showed.

I was trying to prove it. If you go back on Google Maps, this pot right here, which used to be a tennis court. Let me put it on the screen. It looks like there were- Dungeons? Digging of some kind of multiple small holes. Little graves? Tiny graves?

Yeah, let me show you the- What? Let me show you the thing, the picture. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. First of all, why would you do that when you have the ocean right there? That doesn't make any sense. Also, one of those creeps doesn't want to eat the kid after he fucks it. But if you drop someone a dead body

in the ocean, I would think that would be a way better way of disposing a dead body. Yeah, for sure. And then you have chum. Yeah, and no one's going to notice it. No. Oh, it's a tennis court. Hold on, hold on, hold on. I like how there's directions. No, it's over time. See, that's how it used to look. Right. And that's how it kind of

looks now. Okay. Whoa. They put up this weird wall. Right. It's like a Mayan ball court. Okay. I'm trying to find the picture I saw. Is this some 4chan shit? A little bit, 100%. That's why I was trying to find the picture I saw. Is this some 4chan shit? A little bit, 100%. That's why I was trying to find a real proof. A little bit, 100%.

Jamie just went full QAnon. That's where all the good stuff comes from. Where we go one, we go all. He went all in. You're through the looking glass, Jamie. I feel like there's still stuff up with this that we're never going to find out. I saw a dude recently with a jacket on, like a bomber jacket that said, where we go, when we go, all. No, dude.

Yes, he did. You got to give up, man. We went all in. Yeah. You guys lost. I met some lady in Aspen. And she was with her daughter. She was like in her probably early 60s.

And she comes up to me and she goes, I love you. I'm like, oh, thank you. That's so nice of you. She goes, and Donald Trump's our real president. I'm like, he's definitely not. And his daughters, her daughters rather, were crying. They were laughing so hard. They're like, our mom's crazy.

I'm like, your mom's crazy. So we call their QAnon mom all weekend. Keep an eye out for QAnon mom around the town. It's crazy. Nice lady. Very nice lady. Sounds great. Sweetheart of a lady.

Yeah. That was the thought she had to communicate to you. She just wanted to let me know I'm a patriot as well. Like, oh, no. What if I've got to look at some of them TikTok clips? People are getting the wrong impression of me. I feel like it was a Bernie Sanders supporter. I know.

These people are so silly. Yeah, people love to fucking try and make people into what they aren't. Oh, my God. They try to force them into a narrative. Well, for me, it's just because, first of all, it looks like I should be. I'm a meathead. Yeah. I'm covered in tattoos, and I do cage fighting commentary.

Right, yeah. And I'm a dirty comedian. there's no way you're progressive offensive comedy yeah but so you get just lumped in but it's fun to be lumped in it's fun because one thing that happens is people like severely underestimate your ability to like have a conversation with them right things if they're cocky and shitty, some people will just say things. They don't even know what they're talking about.

They're just repeating a narrative. And you say, actually, that's not true. Here's why it's not true. And then you see this look of panic when they realize that they're going on assumptions. So they went back on the land here. And this was in 2006. That's what it looked like.

What the fuck? Which is when obviously he was they were there and that stuff was going on still bro and those aren't just like what if those are baby turtle eggs were laid or doesn't or no it seems like it's pretty high up i think those that's where the tapes are buddy that's what i tell you i don't know i wouldn't say bodies i would say if you're gonna bury bodies you'd bury them in the ocean or you burn them you take them down to the yeah you could do that you could you bury bodies, you'd bury them in the ocean. Or you'd burn them. Yeah, you could do that. You could burn them and take them

out to the ocean. Like, why would you, when you have the best place to get rid of a body ever, why would you put the shittiest place to get rid of a body? Sand? Shallow grave. Shallow grave in a very obvious place where people could photograph it with satellites when you're already some sort of intelligence operation.

Like, get the fuck out of here. When you have Mossad behind you, you're going to do popper's graves? Yeah. And last, you're so cocky. Like, fucking put him anywhere. Who gives a fuck? Who cares? We're untouchable.

One of the last things I remember hearing when he died was that he had a big giant cement truck shipped out to the island. And everyone was like, what? Three weeks before damning, expose was released. Paying for a machine up front so it would arrive quicker. As experts say, he could have literally covered up evidence. Oh, Jesus. That is bad branding. Pedophile Island?

They should have fought for something different. You know that island's still for sale. Yeah, yeah. You thinking about it? We had discussions. Oh, yeah? About purchasing it for a podcast island. Doing the podcast in that big mosque.

What does he have? That temple. Temple. Yeah, that temple. Dude. This is the thought. You have to. The temple's beautiful on the outside.

It's like the colors of the Israeli flag. It's soundproof in there already. There's no way he's Mossad. It's not like he has a fucking building the color of the Israeli flag. That's like if you went to Kid Rock's house and it had a fucking giant billiard hall covered in an American flag from the roof right that like makes sense

this guy literally this is how much he supports Israel he turned his fucking temple into an Israeli flag it's on the nose if you put that in a script they'd be like we would have to hire a couple Jews for representation because I mean

we want to make sure that this is appropriate just have Ari live there yes Ari can Ari will run the island Ari needs a podcast studio and he likes to be away

from people so maybe that's actually a good spot for him if you're doing him a favor yeah yeah it's probably a good idea and it's a write off

but if you if you bought pedophile island um you would have to destroy all the buildings I'm sure they're all bugged to hell for sure high-tech shit that you you're never gonna be able spot There's a camera in every toilet in there should be terrible for comedians. They talk so much shit

Try to be silly yeah, and if you got audio that but then again It's one thing if you're on the pedophile island, but if you riff and use the n-word And here's the other thing with AI today Look, it's one thing if you're on the pedophile island, but if you riff and use the N-word, it's all over for you. And here's the other thing. With AI today, how would you even know what's real? How the fuck would you even know? Is this it? These guys snuck up there.

I don't know when. Oh, my God. Look at that place. Yes. Bro, that place is dope. That looks almost Alex Gray style. Look how beautiful it is. It is. It's really just a facade, but we don't know what's underneath it.

Because that door's not real, right? That door's not painted. J-E. The door's painted. It could be J-R. There's a window that you can see. Yes. J-R-E.

Yeah. J-R-E. You can see there's a window there. Okay, so inside. What a shitty window. Yeah. And so inside is that area where we'll set up the tables. Yeah.

Nice window. And we're going to need Elon's help to get solid satellite Wi-Fi out there. Nice view. You could just project Tim Dillon's face on the side of it. That's kind of small for a studio. We might have to expand. Yeah. Make some more windows. It was built for kids.

They didn't have adults in mind when they built that thing. If you think that's small, you should see the cages. Imagine if you go in there, it's a bouncy house. It's a ball pit. Son of a bitch. I have to take my shoes off still? Kids, you guys want to go to the ultimate bouncy house? I'm talking on an island, on a private island, just a bouncy house.

You want to go where Mr. Chuck E. Cheese lives? You know, Alex Jones told me about that place a long time ago. It was one of the things that Alex tells you stuff, and he'll say all these things that make sense, and then he'll tell you one where you go, wait a minute. This was one of the wait a minutes. There's an island. They take them. They have underage girls, and they compromise them sexually.

He's like, what? It's like he's here. These guys hung out there, apparently. These guys hung out on the island? I mean, this was posted two years ago, same video. Oh, wow. They just kept going back. Snooping around, yeah. Well, I bet there's no one there. These guys hung out on the island. I mean this is supposed to be two years ago same video. Oh wow There they just kept going back around Well, I bet there's no one there like who the fuck wants to be the guy guarding pedophile out Who's the groundskeeper probably nobody wants to go there? I bet you can go there

How come taggers haven't showed up yet? You guys are really just depressing me your lack of ambition It's good some so easy just tag downtown LA right Get out to pedophile island and leave your fucking mark. You think a moving subway car is cool? Get out there. Tag up the temple. Imagine if we put that out there in the world. We just did. Cut to taggers and fucking speed boats with giant sacks of spray paint are headed towards pedophile island.

It just says Bert Kreischer is fat. Yeah. I know a guy who's a tagger in L.A. He's an interesting guy, and he's really good at it. He makes cool shit. It's cool. It's an art form. It's illegal.

You shouldn't do it. You're doing it to people's houses and shit and property. I don't know. Well, most of them don't do it to houses and property. They do it to abandoned buildings, which is fine, and they do it to structures under the L.A. River, which, like, who the fuck is going down there? Yeah, a lot of bridge pillars and shit. Yeah.

The L.A. River's a weird thing, man. It's barely a river. You know what it really is? It's an excuse to pollute the ocean. Yeah. That's really what it is. How so? Because it runs.

It's covered in cement. It's just a big cement thing. And it runs straight into the ocean so anytime it rains all the shit from all the streets gets in that water all the shit and then that shit goes out into the ocean there was a guy that I used to take yoga with he was a yoga instructor from Australia in Australia he surfed all the time and so when he came to America there's one of the reasons why he wanted to teach out here

on the coast or out there on the coast is that he could surf all the time. And no one told him to not surf after the rain. Oh, shit. Because apparently, when you surf after heavy rain, like it's been raining right now, all the pollution from all the oil and all the cars and all the fucking bottles and cans and everything.

Used needles. It all just goes out that big, giant cement trough into the ocean. Just a bunch of spec scripts in there. See if you can find what it looks like, what the LA River looks like. This is where the big concrete enclosure, where they have car races and all the Fast and the Furious movies. Exactly. A lot of times it's dry.

And people fish in it. There's videos of guys fishing in it and catching the fish and eating them. No, what's in there? Carp? Gar? I don't know what's in there. Probably carp. Probably carp.

And maybe some other bluegills or something like that. Maybe. I don't know. I don't know what's in there. But this guy catches them and cooks them and eats them. And it's really disturbing because I know you're doing this for the gram, but you might die from this. Like who the fuck knows what's in that water?

Not me. So this is the LA river. Oh, it's really bad, dude. Look at this. They're just pulling giant chunks of shit. There's so much trash. And so the LA river, when it runs into the ocean, this fucking dude was out there surfing and he said, dude, he goes, man, I got really, really sick.

Yeah. Like he goes, I just was really bedridden. I felt terrible. And then people told him, yeah, man, you can't. He's like, oh, great. It's after the rain. Perfect. No one's out here.

Great waves. You know, kind of stormy. Uh-huh. No, buddy. You got to stay the fuck out of there. Oh, my God, dude. It's really weird, man. Cruise rescue a man from the rain-sw out of there. Oh, my God, dude. It's really weird, man. Crews rescue a man from the rain-swollen LA River.

Oh, the guy got trapped. He was down there fishing. I wonder what happened. He probably fell in, man. Probably drunk. Every time I've fallen in a river, I've been drunk. This is wild. So is that the rescue guy?

Where's the dude? Oh, Jesus. So they got to swing him over? That is crazy. Imagine rescuing this dipshit going, hey, bro, what the fuck are you doing? You're going to get me killed. I was waiting for my Uber. Look at this.

Oh, we hit the wall. Hang on, bitch. That guy's not even holding on to that guy. Do they have him on a harness? Oh, they do. Okay, they have him on a harness. Look, he's got him in full guard. He's got his back mount.

That guy better watch his neck. Wow. So the LA watch his neck. Wow. So the LA River is kind of fucked. Kind of? It's kind of not really a river. Yeah. I mean, it is a river, I guess. I don't know what it was before they cemented it up, but that's what it looks like.

Look at that. That's a car floating down the LA River. And that goes straight into the ocean. So all that runoff from all those streets and all those cities and all that pollution, I don't think there's a filter that stops it when it gets to the ocean. So all that runoff from all those streets and all those cities and all that pollution, I don't think there's a filter that stops it when it gets to the ocean. There's not a filter big enough. Yeah, there's not a filter big enough.

It's kind of crazy. It's not kind of crazy. There's a great song, L.A. River by Honey Honey. Okay. It's a friend of mine from L.A., yeah. It's a great song, but it's about how fucked up one of the lines is, thought I saw a body by the weeds.

That's where River Phoenix died. He died in front of the Viper Room, right? Yeah. So that's what it looks like with water and without water. Show it again without water. So when you go down there without water, people are, like, hanging out down there. You can skateboard, ride your bike. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. But there's a lot of, like of fucking sketchy people hanging out. If you're deciding, what do you want to do today, man? Let's go down the fucking LA River and start some shit. I mean, you're dealing with the dregs of society. Let's go beat up some water hobos. There's not an iPhone to be found. No, dude.

A lot of flip phones. A lot of Androids. Those old car phones that aren't plugged in. A lot of burner 7-Eleven phones. A lot of people just living out of their shopping cart. A lot of crazy people, homeless people. Have you seen the shopping carts that are turned into grills? No, but that's a good move.

That's a really good move. Solid move. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, shopping carts, you could steal them. Oh, yeah. And it's the right metal. Yeah, makes sense. You just turn it, shopping carts, you could steal them. Oh, yeah. And it's the right metal. Yeah, makes sense. You just turn it on its side, catch a fish, put it on there.

The fucked up place is San Francisco because they pay them. They pay them to be homeless. They give them money every month. And guys move there to be homeless. Yeah, it's a good come up for the outside people. Did you see about that dude, the cash app guy who got stabbed there? Yeah, of course. There's a video apparently of him trying to get help.

Oh, no. Collapsing, getting back up. Begging for help? Trying to get help. I don't know exactly what it was. I didn't want to watch it. I don't want to watch a guy die. No, it's not my thing.

Remember Faces of Death? I do. You know, I was just talking to the Tuck Top Parks guys today. We were talking about this because I'd watched one too many accident videos for the day. I was like, how many accidents are you guys seeing?

Because on Instagram in particular, I see so many car accidents. Oh, I hate it. So many people getting hit when they're on a motorcycle and so many people on motorcycles hitting cars

and going flying into the air. Like, I'm seeing so much of that. So much more than I ever saw before. You gotta get out of that algorithm, man. Oh, it's too late for that. Is it?

Yeah, my algorithm's chaos. Mine's clean. What is yours? Mine's pretty good, man. What do you got in there? It's large, saggy breasts and then cooking videos. I have a lot of cooking videos, man. Yeah.

But I also have a lot of car accidents. Yeah, I don't have any car accidents. I have a lot of people getting shot. There's a lot of people getting attacked by animals. There's a lot of animals attacking other animals. What's going on over there, Joe? Yeah. That's what's catching your eye?

Uh-huh. Okay. Well. Mine's all like tours of the Amsterdam River and shit. Today I spent quite a bit of time watching an eagle paralyze a hyena. Wow. It landed on the hyena's back and he's pulling the hyena's spine apart. No, I like that. And the hyena

has his back legs aren't working so he's trying to drag himself away from this eagle. Like Lieutenant Dan. He's bouncing around. He's actually incredibly strong. He can actually suspend his back legs and move with his front arms because hyenas are that strong. But this eagle's eating his back. It's wild to watch.

I couldn't escape an eagle. Jesus Christ. Nature's so brutal. Yeah. You ever see the Mongolians when they have eagles on their arms and they chase them after wolves? Yeah. They let them go to kill wolves? Mm-hmm. Yeah, and they have those hoods for the eagles and the hawks. That's a beautiful life, living on the Mongolian steppe, just eating horse milk all the time, hunting with a bird.

Back in the day. I mean, currently. I don't think those guys do it all the time. I think they have competitions out there. There's another video I saw I was trying to find, day. I mean, currently. I don't think those guys do it all the time. I think they have competitions out there. There's another video I saw I was trying to find where this popped up too.

There's people that do like drive-by falconing. What the fuck? Oh my God. So you throw them and he just jacks a bird. What the fuck? Isn't that crazy?

Because they're not that much bigger than the birds they're jacking. You know? It's like if defensive linemen were running around they're jacking and eating people.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. If Warren Sapp got loose. Yes. Yes. They just shove Warren Sapp out of a window. Indomitian Sioux for sure is eating someone. Derek Wolf was in here the other day.

Oh, yeah. Former Bronco. Former Viking. Former Bronco. Fucking go back in the lineage. There's not a doubt in my mind that somewhere in his ancestry there was a bunch of people on a fucking boat waiting to cut people's heads off. A hundred percent.

He's a berserker. A hundred percent. Now imagine if guys like him were like that falcon, just running around jacking smaller things. Like how could... Not that much different. A guy like him eating a guy like me is not that much different than a falcon taking out a crow. No. Not that much different. A guy like him eating a guy like me is not that much different than a falcon taking out a crow. No.

Not that much different. Not that different. Not that different at all. I think he would eat me first. He'd eat whoever the fuck he wants to eat. Whoever he wants at any time. Would you stop him from eating you? He'd be lucky if he ate you.

Yeah. That'd be better than what he also could do to you. Yeah. I used to have a joke about Brock Lesnar that I'm not worried Brock would rape me. I'm worried he would use me as a condom to rape something way bigger. I'm like, Brock, why are we going to the zoo? Shut the fuck up! He's just rolling up to the panda cage with you in a bag.

He shoots the locks off. There's a video of Brock Lesnar shooting prairie dogs with a.50 caliber rifle. How much prairie dog existed after that? Very little. Yeah. Very little. And I was like, why would someone do that? But then someone informed me of what prairie dogs do.

A lot of horses, they fall into their holes and snap their legs. Oh, my God. Yeah. It's a problem. Nature sucks, man. Nature sucks fat dicks. It's no good. It's so mean.

The more I find out about it, the more I want to know less. Bro, it's so mean. Yeah. Yeah. Dolphins? Dolphins just fucking puffer fish and passing them around, getting high off of them? Well, what I watched today is probably the most ruthless shit. I was talking to a friend of mine today, the lady who gives me the IVs.

I get an IV twice a week, like a vitamin IV, NAD IV. And so we're watching, we're talking about nature. And did you ever see the hornets killing the bees, killing the honeybees? Yeah. Don't they vibrate around them? No, no. That's how the honeybees kill the hornets. But most of the time they don't do that.

Yeah. The thing is if the hornets can get into the hive, if there's a crack where they can get into the hive, it's pretty much over. They get in there and they kill everything. And then they eat the babies. Fuck. So we were watching this today. I was like, what kind of fucking bizarre life form are insects? Yeah.

What kind of ruthless shit that's going on right outside of our eyes? See, they got into this crack and they just, they killed the fuck out of everyone. They killed 30 honeybees or 30 wasps, killed 30,000 honeybees. So they went in there and they just cut all the heads off of 30,000 honeybees. And then they got to the main hive and they ate all their babies and that's what they were there for they were there to eat the babies that was the job yeah so you watch them do it it's i didn't know how much they could swallow because i always felt like bees have a weird like wasps even have a weird mouth yeah they have like this like these big pinchers

but i'm like they don't have like a big opening. But watch what they do when they get inside. When they get inside and they start pulling the larva out of the honeycombs, dude, they just swallow those fucking things. They just pull them out like this here. They pull them out and they just start slurping them. Like watch how easy he eats this whole thing. Like I never would have thought they could swallow that much. Look how quick it sucks down.

Just crushing a booger. Just smashing it into little pieces and engulfing it. Look at this. One of those larvae is like the size of its carapace. Yeah. Yeah, and it's eating the whole thing pretty fucking quickly. And that is how they get nutrients for their babies. Right.

So they go back and it helps their hive. The whole thing is beyond fucked. And that's just happening all the time all the time what other atrocities are going on out there I think those wasps might be invasive I think there's a part of that that's going on where there's invasive wasps that are killing honeybees let me see if that's true because I know that's one of the things that they were really worried about when those Murder Hornets showed up. Oh, yeah. The Murder Hornets. Yeah. Yeah, that was a fun time.

What a great name. Yeah. Murder Hornets. It's a great band. Yeah. It would be a good band. Yeah. Especially if they're fucking rocking.

Really rocking. Murder Hornets. Just a thrash band. I'd wear their t-shirt. Oh, yeah. I'd wear a bandana that had their shit on it. That's how you know you're into the band. Yeah.

When you show up like Dog the Bounty Hunter. Right. Yeah. I think some of them were invasive. But obviously they know what the fuck they're doing they go in there and they murder everybody I mean that's the definition of invasives eating someone's young after you crush them and eating 30 killing just chopping the heads off 30,000 of invasive murder hornets are officially back in the US finally entered the slaughter phase this thought was it's the purge Oh my god, so those are the ones man Did you know that hornets pollinate, too?

They have to do something. They all pollinate. I figure they serve some purpose out there. They just don't make honey, I don't think. I know my grandmother lived in fear of them. I take murder honey all day. I want to get some murder hornet honey. What about that honey they have in like-

The mad honey? Yeah. I have some. You want some? Right now? Yeah, we could do it. What's it going to do to us? You're going to freak out a little bit.

We have those shows this evening. What are you worried about? I know the guy who owns the club. We're fine. Where's the murder honey? Mad honey? It's up there somewhere. Is it?

Yeah. Where did you get your hands on Murder Honey? Mad Honey. It's Mad Honey. It's from Nepal. It's those guys that do Psychedelic Honey. Yeah. Yeah.

Psychedelic's a strong word for what I experienced. What'd you experience? I didn't take much, so I just experienced a light euphoria. It was kind of interesting. But apparently if you go too much, it's really rough. I love Euphoria. Great show, great feeling. I haven't watched it.

Oh, you should. But I do enjoy the feeling. You should watch some snippets of it. I'll send you some clips. Isn't it like a bunch of kids banging each other? Yeah, but they're of age legally. Oh, good. Yeah.

Fine. Yeah. It's not just fucking deleted scenes from Epstein's disc. Is that it? Let me see. It's from Nepal. Yeah, that's it. What the fuck?

That's the shit. Yeah, it's made from like datura. It seems like it's broken up. So do you think we shake it? Datura. Scary, apparently. Yes. I never fucked with that. Yeah, it's made from like Datura. It seems like it's broken up. So do you think we shake it? Datura, scary apparently. Yes. I never fucked with that. Have you fucked with that?

No, dude. Datura is supposed to- It melts people's brains. Datura is- Terrence McKenna swore off of it when he was talking to a guy in an open air market. Yeah. And the guy thought that they were back at his house. Oh, fuck.

In the living room. Yeah. And he realized somewhere along the line in the conversation, the guy didn't know where he was like right now in the moment in an open-air market uh-huh he thought that he was in his apartment that sounds like a fun thing to do here on the podcast come on buddy hey man you're here let's freak it out yeah texas i know they love uh mad honey here he got got stopped at the TSA. Just a jar of that shit? No, because they were making sure he wasn't traveling with this stuff after he did the podcast.

That's good. Do we know the dosage on this, Jamie? This is totally legal, by the way. Good. That was my biggest fear was breaking the law. Is Mad Honey legal? Just take a little teaspoon. Just get in there.

I will take a little teaspoon. You go first. Okay. Are you scared? Yes. That's more than I took the last time. Oh, good. All right.

Is it like honey? It is honey. Yeah, it definitely tastes delicious. It tastes like, don't take too much. I won't. I don't want you to die. Thank you. That's big of you.

Just like really get the spoon wet and then suck the spoon. All right. I'm like the Dalai Lama. And then think about all the diseases you could be getting from me. I don't fear those. I think you've got a good ecosystem. We saw it in the thing. It's a bliss and all that stuff.

No, I'm not worried. Thank you. Appreciate it. You like it, right? Don't go in again. Don't go out for seconds. I'm not going for seconds. Don't fucking do it, Sam.

No. Jesus. Well. All right go in for seconds. I'm not going for seconds. Don't fucking do it, Sam. No. Jesus. Well. All right. Let's see. Is this legal? What do you mean? Let's find out.

It's just honey. Yeah. This is a gag, ladies and gentlemen. We're faking. It tastes bizarre. It's just honey, bitches. Now my tongue is on fire. Well, wait until it gets to your brain.

I can't wait. This will be good. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Smoke on the water over here. Dum, dum, dum, dum, do, do, do. Smoke on the water over here. Dum, dum, dum, dum. I'm going to go full Creedence Clearwater. Yeah. Ugh.

Mad honey. It tasted bizarre. The label. It's legal to purchase in the United States according to this. There we go. It's legal. Fully legal. It helps in weight management.

By the way, when that guy came in here and gave it to me and said that he brought it in, that was a lie. He lied. He got it from someone who legally purchased it here in America and he brought it over to me. Wink, wink. Yeah, that's for sure what happened. That's what I'm saying. Yes. Yes.

No way was this important. He's a good dude. There's no way he would do that. No. Why the fuck would he do that? The rules are there because they're good. The rules are only there always because they're good. They're always valid.

And Jesus loves you and shave your beard if you're single. That's right. What other rules do we have? If you're not married, you should wear something to cover your head. Trans women are real women. And what else? That honey got a hold of you quick, Joe. What do you think of this Dylan Mulvaney thing?

It's fascinating. I can't drink Bud Light anymore. I'm drinking Bud Light more now. No, I do, because it gets me so hard when I think about what they did. I can barely get it in my mouth without coming. Dude, transgender porn is some wild stuff. Yeah, Derek Poston's into that. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, it's his shit. He's a connoisseur. Yeah, straight man. He's a connoisseur of trans porn. He loves it. I met Derek last night. He's hilarious. I did his open mic.

That was fun. He's a fun dude. He's very fun. He's a fun dude. Happy to have him out here. Yeah, dude. It's very exciting. We've got a great crop of young up-and-coming talent out here.

I know. It's really exciting. I keep asking your security over there if I can handle their guns. They don't think it's very funny. I think it's a good bit, but no. Yeah, dude, that club is quite the testament. It's cool to see someone realize their dreams fully because that place rules, dude. I didn't even have that dream i didn't have a dream of i didn't even i just knew when i moved here that i had to replace

the sense of community that we had in um la if we're going to have like a real a real scene out here because like i'm living here i love it here i'm not moving so this is where i'm at so this is where i'm at what do i need there I'm at. What do I need? There was some places that we were working out, like the Vulcan primarily, which is awesome. And shout out to Nick. Did a show there. Who owns it. He's the shit.

That's a great place. Still a great place. I still do sets there. I'll still hop back and forth, especially once everything gets fully running at the mothership. Yeah. But I realized we need it set up the right way for comedy. There's part of the hang, and then there's also the ease of getting onto the stage.

And making it as optimum for the audience and then optimum for the performers. And then making it so that young, up-and-coming people have an easy way to get on stage. Everything is thought out perfectly, man. And also the fact that you have that open mic and all the door staff there are comedians, which is great. And they're all very nice and eager. And they're all funny. I was talking to them last night. They were fucking funny.

They all auditioned. Yeah. So they got to see their act. And so it's like you're in a part of like an apprenticeship program. You're going to be able to go on stage during the open mics, which are two nights a week. There's Kill Tony. There's times where the door guys can go up on showcase shows. Those will run for hours and hours.

And, you know, fucking 10, 15 talented people. You get a chance to see someone in the early days. It's like seeing Louis C.K. in Boston in 1988. Yeah. And you go, dude, I saw that guy when he was like a year into comedy, and then bam. Yeah, you got that guy Keith, you got Lucas. There's a lot of good guys there. Yeah, yeah.

A lot of good women there, a lot of good, there's a couple non-bariners. Yeah. We got at least one. Checking all the boxes. It's a diverse group. We gave him his own Bud Light after the first week. We put his face on a can. Do you have any beer here?

Yeah, you want a beer? I'd take a light beer. Okay, let's get some Bud Lights. Let's do this. Yeah. In support of Bud Light and their time of stress. Let's be allies by getting a little day drug. We're going to be allies.

You know, because Kid Rock and Travis Tritt have put the fucking hammer down. I know. They're really fucking fighting the good fight, man. Here's my take. Okay. Okay. fighting the good fight man here's my take okay like what you're what you're doing what they're doing is just spreading the brand to an extra group of people yeah why if something is good do you give a fuck who's got it like will we do this with cheesecake like you know i'm saying

like if there was like a bomb ass cheesecake and all of a sudden, you know, some radical group like Antifa really got into the cheesecake, we'd be like, fuck this. Yeah. And if the Cheesecake Factory sent Antifa a cheesecake, you know, for ten more years of chaos, you know, like, a celebratory. A celebratory. Yeah. If only ISIS had bear claw donuts, I'm still eating those fucking donuts. But on the other hand, I love Kid Rock's video. Because I love that.

Cheers. Cheers, man. I love that kind of thinking. Not even that I agree with it. I like wild people. Yeah. I like raising hell, man. I like a dude who takes a machine gun to a stack of Bud Lights

and is like fuck Anheuser-Busch this will show up but I mean where's he gonna go now? you gonna go to Coors? don't they all support like LBGTQ plus AI whatever the hell else they're attaching to they all do

I'm from Colorado and Coors has had those rainbow cans forever fucking Shane Gillis is heartbroken. I was with him. This is his favorite beer. I was opening for him last weekend. This is what sucks. He drinks Bud Light every time he does Protect Our Parks. Those things have fucking millions of views.

I know. Where's his can of beer? He did not. He said the exact same thing. He's problematic. Oh, yeah. He's an issue, man. He's an issue being one of the funniest fucking human beings alive on planet Earth.

And also generous and community-minded. And a great guy. Yeah. But for whatever reason, they won't give him a Bud Light. They should give him some lips. If they were smart, they would send Shane a Bud Light with his face on it, too. Say, we love everybody. Well, the can's not big enough to fit his face.

That's true. It's a big round head. You could put, like, half of his face. Yeah. Like an artsy thing. round head. You could put like half of his face. Yeah. You know, like an artsy thing. Right, yeah. Then you have to put them all together. Yeah, there you go.

Whoa. Do you get a left side of the face or the right side? Bud Light sponsors the moon. So if you're two-fisted, you know. Mm-hmm. No, man, I think that it's crazy when people get upset about that stuff because the people who get upset about that stuff value liberty and freedom so much. And they want to live their lives undeterred by anyone's rules.

But they think that the company that they like is giving into the woke agenda. That's what it is. There's no woke agenda. Well, they think there is in like movies and television and media and commercials. And they're worried about it in universities. They're worried about it in universities. They're worried about it in schools and high schools and grammar schools. They're worried about it because there is some evidence that some people do try to indoctrinate children into views that maybe

don't align with the parents' views, right? Who's right and who's wrong, that's up to interpretation. But the question is like, is it appropriate for someone to be giving their politics or their cultural values that may be opposite of the cultural values of the parents? Is it appropriate for this person who spends probably more time during the day with your kid than you do to do that to your kids all day long? What about religion though? Because you're indoctrinating your kids before they have any say in that.

Maybe your kids are atheists and they go to school. But still, you're talking about public school. You're going to have kids that are all sorts of religions in those public schools and all sorts of non-religions. There's going to be a bunch of different flavors of atheism or agnostics or people who just aren't religious at all. Those kids are going to school too. And if they're getting indoctrinated and they don't want to be, that's the question. It's not saying that it happens all the time. There's just enough evidence of it where there's plenty of videos of people actually doing it,

like Project Veritas got a bunch of them, and there's the libs of TikTok got a bunch of them. It's like it's really a thing with some people that teach school, but not most of them. Most of them are great people who are educators and what they're trying to do and what they get satisfaction out of if they're good is they try they, they, what they get satisfaction out of their good is they, they try to educate kids and they want them to have a good experience.

So they look back and they remember, remember Mrs. Wilson's class. She was fucking awesome. Like this is one teacher that I had in high school. I wish I could remember her name, but everybody went to her cause she would talk to you friendly and she was a sweetheart.

She was a sweet lady. She was, is a really nice lady and she was really good at her job. But like if you fucked up and she was like, you're supposed sweet lady she was a really nice lady and she was really good at her job but like if you fucked up and she was like you're supposed to have it in like what happened like you felt bad yeah like i'll get i'll fix it i'll finish it i'm sorry like you felt bad sure you wanted to do well and that you let her down yeah because she was so sweet that's the best example the worst example is some shitty dumb person who gets a job teaching because a lot of people don't want to teach and then they find because it's very low paying and it doesn't get a lot of reward and

praise from people also parents are a nightmare parents are a nightmare and then and then the shitty person is in front of your kids but they're really dumb ideas yeah and there's a lot of those people there's a lot of those people and they think what we're gonna do is we're gonna indoctrinate their children we're gonna turn their children against them and there And there are people like that out there in the world. It doesn't mean that's all of them. It's like there are bad cops out there in the world. But most cops are great. It's not like all cops are evil.

It's like the job is really fucking hard. And most people do their best. But some people fucking suck at it. Like everything. Like plumbers. Like everything. It's just that with cops, the consequences are so grave. And with kids, it's kind of a fucked up situation because if you're a parent and you're working all day

and your kid's at school all day and they're getting indoctrinated into a set of ideas that don't align with your values or don't align with your sense of the world or what you believe reality to be. What you want to teach in your home as well. Yeah, what do you want to teach in your home? So it's very tricky.

It's like, what is school supposed to do? Generally, it's supposed to educate children, but it's not necessarily supposed to— I think it's supposed to indoctrinate as well, though. I mean, it's supposed to put them in a situation where they understand regimented schedules. Well, that's what it was originally invented for. But if you ask someone what's the primary reason for education, it's to send these kids to school to teach them about life teach them history teach them how to do mathematics teach them language teach them fractions fractions all kinds of stuff you're supposed to be preparing them for a college or high school and when you're

doing this but you're instead you're spending the entire class talking about different things that you think are wrong with the world or wrong with Donald Trump or wrong with trans people not being able to compete in the sport of their gender of choice. Those kind of things are not what you're supposed to be teaching kids. These are opinion-based things, and these are things that maybe someone who if they were debating you in that moment that was also an adult might make you look make you look really foolish they would bust your ass yeah for sure because the things you say are stupid but these fucking five-year-olds don't know they're stupid no because kids are dumb as hell because they don't know anything yeah yeah that's what people are worried about yeah but i do remember good teachers you know like the good teachers are the ones i don't remember any bad teachers. I had a teacher named Mrs. Storch who got me a bunch of cool books.

This is not that good. It's just not. It'll do for now. It's a thing, right? It's like a cold thing you drink. Yeah. It's like when you don't want water. You know what I used to get shit for?

Zevias. Oh, Zevias. Those sodas. No, not Zimas. That's right. I knew it was wrong. Zevia I like. I drink that stuff all the time.as. No, not Zimas. That's right. I knew it was wrong. Zevia I like. I drink that stuff all the time.

I was allegedly conceived on Zimas. Yeah, that's the way to go. Yeah. Have your kid on a delicious, fruity, sort of bubbly soda-like alcoholic beverage. My mom and dad split a fucking 24-pack of Zima and made me in Glenwood Springs. Wasn't too strong. No. You know, a nice flavor.

Gave you a heartburn, though, dude. Did it? You can't have like eight of them. I've never had eight Zimas. I have. You've had eight? Yeah, because they brought them back. Zima's a thing with, I'm not really trying to get drunk.

You know, like if I'm trying to get drunk, I'm drinking whiskey. If I'm drinking, I'm typically trying to get drunk. Always? Yeah. Don't you just like to have a little buzz? I'll have a little glass of wine here and there. There you go. Yeah.

Zima drinks returning to summer of 2018 for a limited time. Yep. They brought them back. They brought them back. Bring it back. Come on, Zima. I'm on your side.

Yeah. I liked it. I liked them a lot. I don't get it. Yeah. I don't get it. Fucking White Claws made it, but Zimas didn't?

These are all sugar, though. But tell me. Tell me how the fuck White Claws made it and Zima did it. Is it a timing thing? Is it like Betamax and the VHS tape?

Yeah. The superior product doesn't make it? Well, Zima had like 20 years head start on White Claw. Bro, I used to get so much shit for ordering Zima. They're like, what are you doing, bro? Were you at the pool hall? No. I have a fucking improv on Melrose.

It's on your writer. Making fun of me. Comics were making fun of me for drinking Zima. I'm like, I'm sorry. It's delicious. It looks like a post-apocalyptic drink. What do I need to know? Is it bad for you?

What are the fun facts about Zima? There's no fun facts. The branding sucks. Zima's like blockbuster videos. No one thought it was going to go away. Here we are in a post-Zima world. It's over. It's weird because it was delicious.

It didn't taste bad at all. It's not a bad product. It was kind of viscous, though. It had that kind of milky look to it when it was in the bottle for too long. Really? Yeah. I thought it was like Sprite. It started clear, but then if you had it on the shelf for a while.

How long did you leave your Zima on the shelf? I remember, I think my dad had like a couple of Zimas in his office. Those are a little milky. Milky? Yeah. Look at that. Yeah, but that's just a CGI image. Oh, you think that's computer generated?

That's the same bottle over and over again. That's what it looks like. It looks like fucking soda. A bottle of delicious clear malt soda. I'd be more surprised if you had Zima in here than that you have Mad Honey. That would blow my mind even more. You probably have to get it on eBay from your dad. Yeah, for sure.

Your dad's got some cases. My dad takes the helicopter in. Your dad's got some cases. But the thing is about this Dylan Mulvaney thing, it's just someone who wants a lot of attention, and you're giving that someone a lot of attention, and you're trying to reach another audience. I saw it, and I was like, what the fuck is this?

My initial reaction is like, this is silly. It was pretty transparent. another audience like I saw and I was like what the fuck is this my initial reaction is like this is silly it was really transparent but it's also your Bud Light fan your typical Bud Light fan is like NASCAR fucking sports like that's most of the people that are drinking Bud Light guys like Shane most people you saw the Bud Light Light demographics of who's drinking Bud Light? It's bigots. I saw this fucking- Guys like Shane.

He's joking, Shane. Yeah, Shane's my boy. What the fuck was I going to say? Jesus Christ, you threw me off. Yeah, it wasn't the honey? No, no. The honey's in there, though. No, not yet.

There's a little current popping around in there. It might be the cigar. Probably cigar. Yeah. Can I have that lighter again? Yeah, sure. Thank you. Fuck. I lost it. You were talking about just how the target demographic of Bud Light. But it's like a lot

of companies are using this person. There's more than one company. There's like a bunch of them like Nike and a bunch of other stuff. Also, she's pretty. I get it. No, I mean I see nothing wrong. Good luck. Hey, man. of them like Nike and a bunch of other stuff also she's pretty I get it no I mean I see nothing wrong good luck hey man yeah it's it's one of those things it's like it's funny what people get like super outraged about you know like we're in the middle of you know Tulsi Gabbard posted up some stuff the other

day about the restrict act and flip the top here i showed you before pull the top back there you go thank you well i did it before you before that's like one of those teach a man to fish things yeah it's not gonna be lit no i know yeah i gotta get rid of that ash but you know like no one's freaking out about that but they're freaking out about bud light like how you how is that the big deal i think it's goofy because i think that person's goofy but if you want to hire a goofy person like who gives a shit it's kind of hilarious when someone says 365 days of womanhood it was also on april fool's day that's true too but it also was just a can with that person's face on it yeah that's all it was it was a it wasn't they were selling. Yeah, they didn't have it in stores.

No, but it's kind of funny. Yeah. I like that people get mad. I thought what Kid Rock did was funny. I laughed at it. I told them I thought it was funny. But I also... It doesn't make me mad. Not at all. It just makes me like, what? I think it's because we...

I get what they're doing, though. They're trying to get people that are popular. They're just looking for influencers're doing, though. They're trying to get people that are popular. They're just looking for influencers to help them. And they're trying to look more inclusive because of the assumptions people make about Bud Light drinkers. But those assumptions— And also, look at us. We're on the biggest platform in the world discussing Bud Light for like 10 minutes. Right. It's probably good for the brand.

Yeah, for sure. Yeah, Shane loves it. I like Miller Lite more. I like Sam Adams. I like a Lite more. I like Sam Adams. I like a dark beer. I want a beer I can have like 17 of, man. Oh, really? Yeah, I want to be sipping beer all night.

Yeah. That's why I go to him. Stan Hope, you still like to do that. Not anymore. Yeah, he's sober as fuck. Except for the edibles. Well, yeah. But no cigarettes for Stan Hope either.

He looked good the other day. I saw him. I was like, dude, you look younger. I was hoping he'd still be here. Like alive? He's the man. Oh, you mean here. He fucking made my book happen, dude.

It was all him. He did tell me about it, too. He was the first person to tell me. And he gave me a copy of it. I said, dude, you got to read this. He gave it to Bert. He gave it to everybody. He put it on hard.

And then I started watching it. So I saw that. And I said, well, let me see if this guy's funny. So I went and watched some of your clips. I'm like, oh, all right, man. Thanks, man. I started following you and then finally met you. And you got a chance to see the club before it ever got, I mean,

what stage was it in when you visited? That was probably June of last year. So there was no seats. Was the cement even poured then? No. And there was still that fucking, do you remember? The swastika? The swastika.

Listen to this, folks. You want to hear a fucking story? fucking do you remember the swastika listen to this folks you want to hear a fucking story so the club um that i bought at one point in time it's called the ritz theater the ritz theater was a theater from 1927 it's been a lot of things and at one point in time it was a punk rock club it was a pool hall at one point in time it was a nudie movie theater back in the day um steve ray vaughn played there like you know that walkway when you get to the stage? There's a big framed photo of Stevie Ray Vaughan. That photo is Stevie Ray Vaughan on stage at the Ritz in 1983.

Wow. And so a lot of punk rock bands played there. The Butthole Surfers played there. Misfits played there. A lot of people played there. The Dicks, Black Flag. And Songbalder painted a swastika on the wall. Here's where it gets stupid.

I saw it when we, because we had to, like, take down a lot of stuff, and we knocked down, like, these, you know, the wallboard and shit that was covering things. And then underneath all that on the brick, you see a swastika. And I was like, hey, we should probably take that fucking swastika down. And everybody was laughing. And so then no one took it down. And I came back, back like two months later. I'm like, hey, why is the fucking swastika still here?

So then it gets to like we're almost open. It gets to like a month before we're open. I'm like, take the fucking swastika. Every time I come here, I'm like, how hard is it to just brush that down and knock that off the wall? So you know what someone does? They clean it. So they clean it and they made it white. This is what they did.

Because they clean it with this solvent to take out the black ink. And instead they left a white swastika. It's more pronounced. And I was like, Jesus fucking Christ. Do I have to spell this out? That's still a swastika. Get rid of it. I didn't say enhance the swastika.

The whole thing. It's way easy to see now. Well, you were saying like, I think I'm going to call the rooms Fat Man and Little Boy, but I'm a little worried people are going to be upset if they lost someone in World War II. And I was like, well, you know what else might piss some people off, Joe? That fucking huge swastika up there. Yeah, that should have already been gone.

The Fat Man and Little Boy thing is in reference. The whole reason for it, the thing is in reference the whole reason for the thing is ufo themed yeah and in the ufo lore the ufos come right after the detonation of fat man and little boy that's why it's named fat man and little boy because i thought it'd be and plus one's big one small it makes sense it worked with the theme in ufo folklore that's like what happened like that and it makes sense so if you look at the recorded sightings, it's obviously it's like the news before 1947. It's kind of sketchy anyway. It's like who knows what was reported.

But after 1947, there's a shitload of sightings. A lot of like there's UFOs that flew over the White House. Yeah. And they were filmed. There's photographs of them. There's the Roswell crash, which was in 1947. Been down there a couple times. Have you been there?

My old man loves UFOs. Oh, really? Yeah. My grandma's from northern New Mexico, so we've driven down to Roswell two or three times. And it's just a tourist trap now. I have two brilliant friends that have two completely opposite views. What do they think? One brilliant friend is convinced they're from another planet or another dimension.

This person is from another planet or the aliens? No, no, no. The UFOs. Okay. That these things people are seeing. He said if you just look at the size of the universe and if you look at all of the possibilities for life and how life could be advanced 1,000, 100,000, a million years more than us, especially if they're in some

sort of a stable environment where they're not in an asteroid belt or anything like that. They don't have super volcanoes on their planet, whatever it is. If they got to a certain level, for sure, they'd be able to visit. And if they did get to that level, they would be able to do things that we would think is magic and that they would be able to go into the ocean. They'd be able to fly off at insane rates of speed and use methods of propulsion that we can't even understand. And he thinks that's what it is. He thinks that they are just observing and probably making sure that we don't

knock ourselves back into the stone age. So they're protectors? No, I think it's probably like an ecoobiologist that goes into the jungle and examines species. It's like a Darwinian thing. Yeah. Imagine if there was a type of sloth or something in the Amazon that was in danger of dying. And there was a lot of funding behind it.

And they went there and they wanted to try to rescue the sloth and figure it out. They do stuff like that, right? So if we do stuff like that with limited resources and people have to donate money to these things, it's hard for them to get funded. Imagine if you're some super advanced civilization from another galaxy and you recognize that one planet has come into nuclear power. They now have nuclear capabilities. This signal goes out through the universe.

Okay, these fucks are blowing themselves up. These apes figured it out. Let's go visit. Yeah. Yeah, let's go visit. And that's the UFO folklore. That's when they are blowing themselves up. These apes figured out. Let's go visit. Yeah, let's go visit. And that's the UFO folklore. That's when they all start showing up. And that's when you get like the,

all the different crazy, like Betty and Barney Hill, the abduction stories, all that stuff. All that stuff comes after 1947. Craziest story about them is they were interracial in like the 50s. Yeah.

And I think it was in Maine or something like that. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I know one of their granddaughters angela hill she's a fighter she fights in the ufc no way yeah she's a top-ranked fighter in the ufc yeah what's the name of that fighter from uh denver like the small lady fighter from colorado which one i don't know dude she has like short hair and she whips ass. There's quite a bit. Denver's got a good crop of fighters.

Yeah. Anyway. She's very pretty as well. There's a lot of, oh, oh, oh. Do you mean like Rose or something? Rose Namajunas. Yeah, yeah. Yes.

Okay. Yeah. Okay. Yes. That's right. Shout out Rose. Rose is awesome. Yeah.

I wonder if she's fighting soon. I think she is. I don't know. I think she's fighting soon. I wrestled in high school, but I never fought. Did yeah had you my coaches made me wrestle football coaches did yeah My wrestling coach tried to get me to play football. Mm-hmm, but luckily we did when we wrestled There was a kid named Bobby Baker. It was 300 pounds. Ooh, and I was like look at him and look at me I go I'm not letting that guy chase me and run me over. He's not chasing anybody But if I fucked up and I got too close.

He's got those big paws on you. He's a bear. He was so big. He was so much bigger than everybody else. I'm like, that's just not happening, man. That's crazy. Wrestling is brutal. I would play football at 320 and then I had to cut to 275.

Oh, my God. Like real quick, you know, because that's's the cutoff for heavyweights in Colorado. How much time did you have to cut? Fuck, like six weeks, two months. Oh, wow. It was all egg whites and clementine oranges and chewing tobacco. It was terrible. You had chewed tobacco?

I pissed eight pounds one time. I retained so much water that I urinated out eight pounds. Wow. Yeah, because after you make weight, then you just eat a whole baguette and a bunch of Pop-Tarts, you know? Oh, smart. Yeah. Well, that's what you do after you finally make weight. The fucked up thing about wrestling too is you have to make weight the day of the tournament. I know, dude. Yeah. Wrestling sucks. Also, heavyweight wrestling is bad because it's just whoever falls down first wins. That's not always true. That's the whole thing. In my experience, if you went down, the guy laid on you and you're just waiting for the bell.

thing. In my experience, if you went down, the guy laid on you and you're just waiting for the bell. It was brutal. I was so bad on my feet. But then if you're on the bottom, luckily you can just grab their arm and like try and roll with them. That's all of heavyweight wrestling. How long did you wrestle for? Three years. Oh, wow. Yeah. Did you ever think about doing jujitsu or something like that afterwards? No, I don't have it in me. No? I mean, I don't have the bloodlust, you know? Oh, it's not a bloodlust thing. Most of the people I know do jiu-jitsu are nerds. That's true. Joe List. Really smart guys. Yeah. Bourdain wasn't

really into it, you know? It's like a lot of people that are very intelligent get into it. I don't know. I don't know if I have... I love competition, and I have that jock in me still, but the whole one-on-one, man-on-man thing, I don't know if I would really not even excel but really enjoy it. It's not as aggressive as you think it is, especially with a good school. With a good school, it's really like you kind of flow and you do it in a sense where you're not like exploding on each other.

You're trying to learn the moves and execute the moves. The other person is trying to defend, execute their own moves. And the guy who's better doesn't want to break you in half because there's nothing in it for him. When you're beginning, you're always – I shouldn't say always. Most of the time, you're better off going with someone who is much better because the people that are much better can take care of you. They're not going to hurt you.

But there's a lawsuit that really recently got – this guy was a jiu-jitsu coach. I think it's in California. And he did a forward roll with a guy to take his back, and the guy's neck got caught in a bad situation and snapped his neck. And he got nerve damage and paralysis, and he just got awarded $46 million. Holy shit. Yeah, it's not good. That's such a bad precedent.

It does, but it's also a very unfortunate aspect of jiu-jitsu that you occasionally are going to get a bad injury. And I know of people in MMA class that got paralyzed, particularly when someone goes for a guillotine. Someone shoots in for a double. Sometimes guys will go for a guillotine uh someone shoots in for a double sometimes guys will go for a guillotine and if they catch the neck and the guy who's shooting the double lands on his head yeah as they're falling yeah and it has happened before and guys have been paralyzed doing that and in um i was reading this thing about um judo dojos in japan and that uh deaths

do happen where guys get spiked on their head they get thrown and slammed on their head like every year someone dies doing judo in Japan but that's probably like a revered way to go out in Japan you know probably I don't wanna say honorable cuz that's hacky but right is like a commitment to craft over there that is unlike anything we have here yeah especially with in regards to martial arts yeah That culture really rewards that commitment to craft. Dude, sumo? Oh, my God.

I would. I was in Japan at the beginning of the year, and I didn't get to see sumo. The point is, though, it's dangerous. Just like playing football is dangerous. People die playing football. Yeah, there's a risk. And the thing is about that guy,

they were trying to paint him that he was a total beginner. But the reality was he had years of wrestling, and he had at least, I believe it was at least two years of jiu-jitsu. Two years of jiu-jitsu is not, I mean, it's a beginner in a sense, but it's not someone that doesn't know what they're doing, especially someone who's already done a couple of years of grappling. I think it was just a freak accident. When I saw it, it looked like a freak accident. And the majority of the people that I talked to that were jiu-jitsu guys, they also thought it was a freak accident. But $46 million?

I mean, who knows if that's going to stick in appeals. I mean, obviously the guy needs to be compensated somehow or another, insurance or something. Yeah, but he signed up for it, though. I know, but I think most of those places have. Is there a waiver? Yeah, but there's probably like catastrophic injury insurance or something like that. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what I'm talking about when it comes to that.

But yeah, you do sign up for it. And, you know, I've definitely been hurt. It happens. I've had multiple surgeries from jujitsu. Yeah. Both my knees I had surgeries on because of jujitsu. My nose. Well, my nose was fucked up for a long time.

But like I had some real problems with my back and my neck, bulging discs and shit that I had to get treated with stem cells and PRP and stuff like that. It's just one of those things. It's like you're signing up for a dangerous game. I think sports are very important for youth, and I loved being on a team. I think being an offensive lineman made me a better host as a comedian because I was used to, like, never touching the ball and never getting the accolades.

I literally think those translated, like those two skills. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah. Like, so you could be the guy who brings up the really good people that everybody's there to see. Yeah, and also do a good job setting the table for the show. Yeah. It made you, like, selfless in a way, you know? It's also, like, hosting is a very interesting job, too, because one of the things that it does is it allows you to get comfortable on stage and comfortable, like with transitions.

And it gives you like reps. Yeah. Like another just it's just different kind of reps, almost like cross training a little bit. It's the easiest way to get a lot of stage time early because you're physically on stage. Even if you are doing seven minutes up front. Yeah. You have to do the gaps in between. You become a good host. That's your way to getting in at any club. Where was, is you, are you, were you at the Comedy Works in Denver? Yeah. Yeah. That's my home club.

That's the shit. I'm a company man, dude. Oh, yeah. That's right. I didn't see it. Is it 40 years ago? Yeah, 40 years. Wow.

81. Wow. That's amazing. Yeah. I don't even know when I first went there. Dude, I got a story for you there. Remember when you tried to move to Boulder for a while? Yeah. So you came down and like, did I think new talent night on Tuesday. You just closed their new talent night. Yeah. And a lot of us were on that show just like

randomly. So then open for Joe Rogan went in like 13 people's bios the day after that show. Cause we happened to be on a show that you closed. That's funny. Yeah. Happy to help. Yeah. No, it was good, man. That was fun. I wish I could have stayed. Yeah. That would have been wild if you set up what you did here in Boulder.

Well, I wouldn't have been able to do it back then because I didn't even have a podcast. That was pre-podcast. Pre-podcast? Yeah. Wow. One of the reasons why I started the podcast is I was bummed out that I had to leave Colorado. Huh. Had to come back to LA.

My wife got pregnant. And back then, if you are pregnant at high altitude, it's very rough. It's like having the flu. Yeah. Altitude sickness. Yeah. And when we came back, also, she couldn't drive in snow, but that's another story. But when we came back, it was like immediate difference in being at altitude versus like

where we were i was like 8 000 feet above sea level it was very high yeah it was awesome though but it's you know like i got a dog eaten by a mountain lion up there it's like right away it was rough yeah a little dog left him in the yard jesus christ it's sketchy you're you're dealing with like real wild shit up there like you know you see porcupines and foxes and occasionally you'll see something crazy like a mountain lion i saw one mountain lion in between the trees once i was like whoa yeah i could only see it like briefly like bigfoot like just moving through the trees but i saw this four-legged thing just moving through the trees and i was like oh shit i think that's a mountain lion damn dude And the neighbors all saw them they saw him all over the place

They used to be around my middle school all the time We'd have to have indoor recess because there was mountain lions outside in one of the places Near where I was staying this guy left His door like either partially ajar or the bear figured out how to get into his car And maybe the bear opened the door the doors unlocked so the bear opened the door and ate his seats ate his dashboard ate everything just dumber bears they just smelled leather yeah they just assumed that it was an animal i don't like that a bear can open a car door that doesn't feel good well i think they're smart man and if they've done it before that's the thing about bears when they attack.

They were discussing that to us when we move up there. They said if they get your garbage, like it's a real problem because they're never going to stop coming back. Yeah. Once the bears find, yeah, once they find it, you don't scare them off. You scare them off for now. That was like me at that 7-Eleven dumpster, man. As soon as I found out they had the hot and readies in there, I was like, oh. Yeah.

I was on all fours. It's a funny story now to look back though, right? Oh, yeah. I loved it, man. That's one of the awesome things about like pulling it off. Yeah, I know. Dude. Yeah, like being here after doing it so hard for so long,

like I did it is this, it feels cool when something pays off in comedy. Yeah, it does. Like, cause I did it like gnarly, like Joey Coco Diaz, when he tells those stories, I'm like, oh, I did that as well. Yeah.

Like it's fucked, but it was great. He does it. He does those triple runs. Yeah. Those weird gigs in the middle of nowhere. Entertainment max. Everybody has those stories. Yeah. And weird gigs in the middle of nowhere. Entertainment Max. Everybody has those stories.

Yeah. It's one of the fun things about doing comedy. It's the best. That's why those YouTube guys are fucked. I know. If you get famous on YouTube and then you start doing comedy as an open mic-er, you're already famous. You already got your own crowds coming to see you.

But their crowds are dumb because they're into that kind of humor. Comedy's so big now that it's boutique and you can find exactly what you think is funny. That's true. Yeah. That's true. So if you want to be a YouTube guy's fan and go to see his shows, you don't care that he's not competent at comedy, because you just want to get the fucking selfie with him after the show.

Have you seen the meet and greets for those YouTube guy shows? No. So they'll do, like, 35 minutes, and then they'll do a Q&A, typically, and then there's, like, a two-and-a-half-hour meet and greet afterward, where people come on, buy the T-shirt, take the's the whole show they want the gram they want the gram that's why people attend and those youtube guys are printing money wow yeah and then they get a guy like me hosting for him and you fucking bury him but then you look out at the crowd and you're like oh you guys don't know what good comedy is you guys just want to see you know fucking lefty

razor coming up next they just happy to see that Twitch guy. Yeah. Yeah, he's really good at playing video games. Yeah. Strange. What a skill, dude. It's a weird thing,

but is it any weirder than like fucking news anchors? You know, is it any weirder than anybody who becomes famous for no fucking reason? In matters of taste,

there is no debate, you know. So if you're into that shit, go crazy. I think it's good overall because now people who might not have gone to comedy clubs are getting into the comedy club system so they get that email and then they receive the hey you know it's your birthday bring 20 friends type shit

and then it gets more people to get eyes on comedy even if it is through like an ulterior way yeah that's true what what freaks people out though is when youtube guys start doing weekends at a club they used to work out what the fuck we What the fuck? We're all pissed. Yeah. It's not even really comedy. I know. And then I have to do a rap date there. And it's like, what the fuck?

What's a rap date? It's like a Wednesday, Thursday, Sunday, you know? Oh, rap. So you rap around the weekend where the YouTubers are there. Yeah, exactly. But that's fun too, though. I mean, it's fun to be in a comedy club. It's fun for the crowd.

It's fun to go from like the warehouses that I was performing into. Cause I came at it from like a punk rock, like hardcore DIY thing where it's like, I'll perform anywhere. Uh, and then you just live on the road and you would come home. I'd be gone for like three weeks and come home with like $600. My wife would be like,

what is, what's why? It's like, well, I'm getting good. One day, baby. Yeah. One day I'll be on JRE.

She's gotta be happy now. She's stoked. I mean, when she met day, baby. Yeah, one day. I'll be on JRE. She's got to be happy now. She's stoked. I mean, when she met me, she knew what it was. I was already on the road. So you were already working. Yeah, I was working. I mean, I've been on the road since like 2008, doing all those mountain show gigs, opening for people in like Gillette, Wyoming.

Oh, really? Yeah. What are those like? Terrible. Dog shit. What's in Gillette, Wyoming? Mingles. Mingles is in Gillette, Wyoming. Mingles. Mingles is in Gillette,

Wyoming. Paint a picture for me. You walk in, all right? You've got a big disco ball. You have a linoleum floor in a bar for some reason. There's all those terrible chairs that they brought in from a church, like the hard metal chairs that wrestlers would hit each other with. You walk in, there's seven TVs. They turn off whatever the local high school football game is and you have to perform you go up you do 20 minutes eat your ass for people who you know they don't they don't know what comedy is they're not the most like they're not into creative comedy you know they're like Vegas crowds but they can't afford to go to Vegas all right and then you see like the worst hack in the world go on and kill after you. And you're like, oh, what am I doing here?

And then the hack tries to fuck some old lady and you have to sleep in the bathtub because you're sharing a hotel room. And you get a hundred bucks and you have to split gas. That's those shows, dude. Oh my God. Yeah. Dude, one time I did a show up there with this guy who, I'm not going to say his name, but after the show, the lady's like, are you guys hungry? And I was like, yes, I'm hungry. And he's like, we're okay, we're okay. And she's like, well, we got the best fucking chicken wings in the world up here. And he's

like, oh, we're good. Hour goes by, we're drinking. He's like, hey, what's up with those chicken wings? And they're like, oh, we turned the fryer off like a half hour ago. And the guy's like, ah, man, chicken wings sound good right now, don't they, Sam? And I'm like, I guess, yeah, sure. So he's like, what about those chicken wings? And they're like, we can't. We have to get the chef back in here and get the fryer going again. And he's like, yeah, we got time. You guys want to do that?

So they're like, okay, right on, sir. So they fucking get the fryer going again. The guy who does the chicken wings comes back. They're like, so how do you want your chicken wings done? And he's like, I want them spicy. And they're like, well, we got real spicy wings. And he's like, that's good. So we're there for another 45 minutes as the fryer oil is heating up.

They finally put the wings in. They come out. They give him the wings. He takes a bite. He goes, oh, these are spicy. And they're like, yeah, you said you want them spicy. And he's like, I can't have these. And he fucking left.

Wow. And that guy was like the coolest guy in the world to me at this time. That's the guy I aspired to be. You know what I mean? That's the dude. That's the dude who brought me, gave me the shot. That fucking ascended hand of God came down and touched me. But isn't it also like an education to like that kind of comic?

Yeah. Because you don't know about that kind of comic until you work with them on the road. And you realize that's why we're in the middle of wyoming doing this gig and this guy's been doing comedy for 15 years he's making 350 bucks tonight yeah and i dropped out of college to do this gig with him you know yeah yeah i mean those are the people don't think about like that kind of comedy people forget like that's my fucking book is all about that guy yeah you know people forget about the dudes who are out there fucking doing 12 nights in a row there's a lot of them there's a shitload a lot and they just are there to sell merch that's their whole thing they just run their

sad flea market after the shows and people come up and they know their shirt says like i'm was stupid with an arrow pointing down to their dick and then it's like a link to like a fucking you know angel fire website on the back of it. And then their whole thing is like trying to bang someone's daughter or like find the worst cocaine in South Dakota. And that's they think they're fucking cool. And then you have to share a room with these guys and they'll be like, all right, in the bathtub with you. I got a lady coming over. They like throw you a pillow.

They're like, all right, I'll knock on the door when I'm done. Oh, my God. Yeah. I did that for like three years. And I would call home and mom and dad i made it you know wow i'm living my dream right now i did a college where i had to stand on stage and the stage was two like lunch tables oh yeah they pushed together middle of the day literally yeah middle of the day so you literally there's a speaker up there with you and you're standing on these rickety lunch tables. Mm-hmm.

And then these guys were calling me a fag, yelling out, and I started tearing them apart. And when I started tearing them apart, then all of a sudden everybody starts laughing. Yeah. And they come up to the side of the stage and said, you're not allowed to swear. I go, not allowed to swear? Like, what the fuck are you talking about? And then i turned them against him i'm like listen to this folks you guys are how many of you are 18 of course they all start cheering i go so you guys are old enough to go to war you're old enough to die for your country yeah but this fucking guy over

here doesn't think i can swear in front of you because you don't know like i don't want to tarnish your pristine little minds yeah i. I'm like, fuck this place. Let's light this place on fire. And everybody starts screaming and cheering. And then the guy goes, fine. We'll deal with the consequences later. Do whatever you want. I go, I was going to do whatever I wanted anyway.

Yeah. He just told me I could do whatever I want. Like, did you not understand that I was already doing whatever I want? Get the fuck out of here. Don't give me clearance to do whatever the fuck I want. But it all of a sudden became fun. Right. Because it became like like here's this

24 year old visiting these 18 year olds talking shit with them and you're like an old man Listen now these people know what the fuck is going on They're in Olivet, Michigan, okay, there's no reason they don't want to be here. This is a disaster though the directions I got So I started talking about the directions that I got they were so wrong. They don't want to be here. This is a disaster. The directions I got to get here. This is a disaster. So I started talking about the directions that I got. They were so wrong. They couldn't have been more wrong.

It's like someone not knowing what the roads are and just writing things. I had to get directions from someone else that was unrelated. I had to make three or four different phone calls in the days of no cell phones. So I had to pull over to gas stations, find a pay phone. Where the fuck is your college? And these are the people that were teaching young people. Morons. Molding young minds. And he had a conversation with me afterwards when he was writing me a check.

He's like, I'm going to talk to your agent about this. I go, talk to my agent. And here's another thing. How about tell the fucking people they can't yell out obscenities? Yeah, they can't slur me. And I'm in the middle of doing comedy, and comedy happens. Like, that's what you do.

Do you know that's my job? Yeah. When someone starts yelling shit at me, I go, what did you say, sir? And then we're having fun. Uh-huh. Okay? Do you understand?

That is what you paid me to do. Yeah. If you don't police the crowd, if you didn't ask these children to be nice and be good audience members, then it's like a regular show. Yeah. And it's going to be a regular show anyway.

Stupid. I'm a comedian. Also, it's the middle of the day. These kids are trying to study, and you just fucking sprung me on them. Ambush comedy is a nightmare, dude. And they were animals. These were all football players. Yeah.

Oh, it was one of those? Yes. Oh, shit. A lot of them. The whole football team was there, and they were animals. But it was fun. As soon as I turned on that guy, and then we're having a party. Right, then they get it.

And then they were like, oh. They know you're cool. Yeah, then it was fun. Yeah, because you swore. I was like your age. I did this stage of life. Yeah. These fucking people are, these are not the people you should be listening to.

Yeah. You turn to the guy who's yelling at you, you make him flinch, and they're like, yes! He's one of ours! Hit him! Fucking hit him! You pants him and shove him over yeah shoot a bud light shotgun it oh dude those college gigs i used to do a frat gig in uh in boulder up at cu where they would

make all the pledges wear a pink hat and it was just my job to go in there and like pretty much mk ultra them like they would like give me information on these kids and it was my job to like roast them to the point Of wanting to quit the fucking fraternity And it paid like you know $800 and I was like yes This is the greatest in the world so you're just like Chinese wrong Look at this guy clearly gay you know all the frat guys are in the back being like yes Has two moms lesbian parents

Doing it. Has two moms, lesbian parents. How does he know this? Clubfoot. Oh, that's hilarious. Yeah, dude. Where are my AV brothers at? Yes.

Where's the AV room boys at? Those are the original tech people. Yeah, dude. Remember the AV room? Mm-hmm. They would not want you in there. No. No.

If you showed up, they'd say, please leave, sir. Sir, this is not for you. You're like younger than them and they're calling you sir. That honey get you a little bit? It's doing something probably. We'll see. Yeah. We'll give it a little more time. I thought I was going to freak out and like take my shirt off.

I was a little worried about that. But I felt like it's worth the gamble. It was, dude. It's very good. If I fucked it up, we'll just do it again another time. Yeah. We'll just have a redo. I like it. Tonight's going fun we'll have a very excited um i'll be confused in there chris's daffodils coming tonight too sick man right on yeah so it'd be a good time like christy

yeah he's in town he's doing a gig tomorrow night at the paramount i think one of the big theaters up here i think i think that's it That's where I first met Eget. Adam Eget. He's the fucking man. He's the greatest. Silly fucker. We've become very good friends. We text each other music like we're dating.

Oh, sweet. Yeah. What kind of music? Like old hardcore and shit. Oh, look at you guys. Yeah. Maybe you're the one who put that swastika up on my wall. I couldn't get up a ladder.

You son of a bitch. That's why you're so into that thing. I love the swastika. You're laughing because it was you. Yeah, it a bitch. That's why you're so into that thing. I love the swan. You're laughing because it was you. It was me the whole time, Joe. It was so ridiculous looking at it. I was like, why is it still here? I understand that nobody here made it, but you gotta fucking

get rid of that. You know about the Eiffel Tower during the German occupation? They'd put a fucking swan on the top of the Eiffel Tower, like a big flag, and every day, Frenchmen would climb the tower, and they'd get shot down or fall off until one of them got that fucking swastika off the tower. Yeah. Yeah, they resisted pretty hard. Wow.

But think about how majestic that swa must have looked flapping up there. Jesus Christ. Yeah. It's sort of like that thing that they did with Shia LaBeouf when he had that website. Oh, yeah. And 4chan got to the bottom of it. He would not replace or he would not divide us. Yeah.

And then they used like flight patterns and shit. It was the most brilliant thing that anyone's ever done. To weaponize autism. Yeah. It was amazing. And then do you know that Radiolab took the podcast down where they were describing it? No. They had a whole podcast. I heard that the podcast down where they were describing it? No.

They had a whole podcast. I heard that podcast. Why did they take it down? Because they were saying that 4chan is associated with racism and homophobia and all sorts of other things. And it's just like to elevate that website and to talk about that. And so they decided to delete it. But I had already listened to it by the time they deleted it. Is it up you can find it i've just found it but okay so here's what the radio lab lab radio lab has decided to take down this episode some listeners called us out call this out is a that's so fucking woke speak they called us out saying that in telling the

capture the flag story in the way that we did we essentially condoned some pretty despicable ideology and behavior no you're not you're just talking about a thing that happened yeah you're just giving information yeah to all the listeners who felt that way and to everyone else please know that we hear you and that we take these criticisms to heart i feel awful that the things we said could be interpreted that way that's's on us. It was certainly not our intention, and we apologize. Dude, that's fucking lame. That's pussy shit right there. It doesn't make sense, because if you listen to what it was,

it was like they just thought that Shia LaBeouf, how do you say it? LaBeouf? LaBeouf, I think. They just thought he was being ridiculous. Yeah. They thought he was being self-aggrandizing and just a silly actor fuck.

Very pretentious. Very pretentious. Very pretentious. And they were like, let's find that fucking flat. Let's get his ass. I loved it. I loved it. I thought it was hilarious. Yeah.

I mean, there's no one connected to that. When you're reading that or seeing that and you're listening to that, you just have internet wizards figured out a way to get to a spot where something annoying was on the internet. Where a dork was flexing. And they won. That's the wasp getting into the honeybees, dude. They ate his larva.

They ate his larva. And then the guy goes up to the camera and goes, fuck Shia LaBeouf. Is that still available? Can we hear that? See if you can find that. Because that shit's amazing. I remember listening to that radio lab and going, that's so clever that those guys figured that out.

And how did that get connected to ideology? Just because some of it exists on an internet-free website like 4chan where basically anything goes. It's just unmoderated free speech. Yes. That's what happens sometimes. That doesn't mean that the people who did that are in lockstep with any ideology. No, they're not Nazis because they figured out where Shia LaBeouf's art installation was. No one knows.

I mean, have you ever heard an argument, I mean, maybe there have been ones, about the people that actually did it. It's all just like that website is bad. So don't say that. Don't talk about this awesome thing that happened. That's so condescending. It's so paternalistic to be like, we can't give you this information because it might

make you frown. It's like, fucking A, dude. Kids are being used to being treated that way. That's why they're demanding it. You should be able to listen to an actual Nazi talk Yeah, because it's educational. Yeah, because you get to see this like slippery logic They use and apply it to human beings and how disgusting it is and now it's always been like that throughout history people have othered People for whatever reason and usually it's because it makes it easier to subjugate them easier to dominate them, dude

Hitler was no good, but he could move a crowd. God damn, can he fucking give a speech? That guy killed that wily Austrian. We watched a speech of his versus, who was it that we opposed, put it opposite of? Bernie Mac. I'm not scared of you, motherfucker, versus Hitler. That was amazing. That was amazing.

That was like one of the best opening lines ever. Have you seen Corey Holcomb at Shaq's benefit, dude? No, I haven't. I'll send you a clip. versus Hitler. That was amazing. Yeah. That was amazing. That was like one of the best opening lines ever. Have you seen Corey Holcomb at Shaq's benefit, dude? No, I haven't. I'll send you a clip. What do you got, James? I was hoping this was the fuck Shia LaBeouf part, but it's not. Is this where they figured it out? This is the actual flag.

Yeah. So this is the unedited video. The fact that they figured this out is just amazing. 4chan rules. That's just amazing. Location found. That's just amazing. Fuck Shia LaBeouf.

It shows all of the posts that they made going through it. Oh, man. They may put some music behind this. I can't. So those are the guys that did it? I honestly don't know. 4chan is using flight plans. Go back to that.

4chan is using flight plans to locate the he will not divide us flag. Godspeed, lads. Let the games begin. This is amazing. When you don't get any pussy for long enough. Yeah, man. You're fucking with nerds. These guys are dangerous.

And they're having a good time. And they won. They got his ass. They won, so it was all worth it. Yeah. Do you know what that must have felt like? When they got that flag, it must have been like when Israel Adesanya knocked out Alex Pereira.

Right on the button. You know, it's like this thing that you, like, how did we do it? That's when they got the flag. They put the fish in. Oh, fuck. 4.36 a.m. That's dedication. got the flag. They put the fish in. Oh, fuck. 4.36 a.m. That's dedication. They're disciplined.

They're up at 4.36 a.m. Capturing flags. That's also organic anarchy. That's people working together with like-minded ideals. I'm a fan. Yeah, hell yeah. I'm a fan of that kind of work. How did they take that episode down?

The episode was really well done, too. It's unfortunate because it doesn't condone anything. It's not true. And this whole, they called us out. Like, no, they didn't. They complained about something. Your work should stand for itself, and I thought it did. It's silly.

Also, you can't live in this bubble where you don't know about ulterior modes of thought, you know? Like, if you just found out about 4chan from that Radiolad episode, that's on you for not being engaged in the cultural conversation. That's bullshit. That's one of the fears that people have about Twitter. Oh, yeah. When Elon took over.

Yeah. The fears they have about Twitter is it basically becomes 4chan on wheels. 4chan with advertising. It's 4chan owned by the biggest billionaire troll that's ever existed. I mean, Elon trolls people. Yeah. The only difference is there's girls on Twitter. There's none on 4chan.

Yeah, there's probably no girls on 4chan. Well, there are those incels that decide to go trans. Oh, yeah. There's like a word for that now. Yeah, yeah. Now there's like a word for incels that specifically decide to go trans. Yeah, they got like hipnode or whatever. What are they called?

Jamie, do you know? How you doing over there With that honey? I'm loving it dude You alright? I'm coming alive Yeah It seems to be affecting you

I'm having a nice time It seems to be different Than it's affecting me I'm wondering why I don't know dude Maybe because I'm a big fat guy And you're cut from marble Maybe we have different metabolisms

Well I just I'm wondering like What is it about The honey that like Because the other guy That took Well he took more than me I just, I'm wondering like, what is it about the honey that like, because the other guy that took, well, he took more than me. Transmaxing.

I'm giggling. This is a subculture of young men who embrace trans identities. Yeah. Not because they believe they were born with the wrong body,

but because they can't get no pussy. Dude. Did you hear about the dude who ran the Discord cult where he would like, if you want to get in

and be able to see photos of ladies like this, you have to send me a photo of yourself dressed up like a lady like this. That was like a way to prove that you were cool. And then he was blackmailing all these dudes being like, look, he's trans. We got his ass. And like threatening to send these pictures to their family. And then they would have to send Bitcoin and shit to this guy. The problem with not being funny. Because a photo of me in a dress is worth $0 to me.

I know, dude. Like, okay, I put a dress on. Big deal. What? Look at my lipstick. What are you talking about, bro? I look great. I'll put some fake eyelashes on, bitch.

I look like Rosie O'Donnell over here. If someone got a photo of me wearing high heels, walking around in girls' underwear, I'd be like, yeah, I did that. I thought it was funny. We're bulletproof in that way. In that way. Yeah. But man, if you're a banker and there's pictures of you in a dress, you're fucked, man.

Yeah. You're in fucking deep shit. Yeah. If you work at a college. Yeah. You're in deep shit. Because then they're mad at you for appropriating culture. That's one great thing about working for the UFC.

If they caught you wearing a dress somewhere, no one would give a shit. Yeah, they'd probably blow it up and put it in the locker room. They'd be like, see, we're inclusive. Exactly, yeah. We're making friends all over. Let's go. You went full tycoon over there. Let's go.

Yeah, when you lean back with a cigar, it's tycoon. Feels good, though. It's fucking lighter, dude. I can't keep this thing lit. I should have another one, but Ari stole it. I keep blowing smoke. Face have two here. But Ari should feed.

I think I'm mad I told him he could have it, though. Did I tell him he could have it? We were a little lit by that time. So how many days are you in town for, Mr. Talent? I leave on Thursday, man. Nice. I'm doing your lovely comedy club tomorrow. Nice. I'm that little boy. The fat man's in the for Mr. Talent. I leave on Thursday, man. Nice. I'm doing your, uh, your lovely comedy club tomorrow. I'm that little boy. The fat man's in the little boy. Yeah. The little room is

awesome. It's such an intimate little room. It's such a cool little room. That's where, uh, Chappelle did his, uh, dude, he did the first night there. The first show, uh, Shane Gillis and Chappelle was the first show ever in that room, which is what an amazing show. I know. I was here for South By and Chappelle was going on and I had to run over and do my South By shows. And I was like, fuck, I want to stay here. I want to experience. It was pretty fucking dope. Yeah.

It was pretty dope. It was cool to have. First of all, it was cool to have Louie in early because Louie gave me some really, really good advice, and we fixed some things because of his advice. Like right before cement was about to be poured, we shrunk the stage in the little room. It was Louie's advice. Yeah. And we dropped the ceiling down a little bit in the little room,

and that was also Louie's advice. It was already a pretty small ceiling, but he's like, drop it down even more. Make it flat like right here. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I can like palm the ceiling in there. Yeah. And then in the big room, he had us drop the main ceiling down as well.

It's nice, man. It's nice to have it set up that way and to have guys like him and his advice and to have Dave come down, and Dave just loved it. Dave's building his own place. He's building his own place in Yellow Springs. In Ohio? Yeah, it's called the Firehouse. It used to be an actual firehouse.

Is there going to be a pole to the stage? I don't know. That would be cool. That would be great. I don't know if it's still there. Maybe it's been something since then, but it used to be a firehouse. you know, I mean, having him come out and checking this out, and then he's like, dude, now I'm inspired.

So whatever he's going to do in Yellow Springs is going to be very interesting. Because I think he's doing 120 seats. Holy shit. I think he's doing the size of Little Boy. Damn, dude. Yeah. Imagine that. You can go see Dave Chappelle at any given night.

In his backyard. What a great idea, though. Like, he's Dave Chappelle. He could do that anywhere. Like, why not? Why not, like, build your own club and have the people come to you? Because of course they're going to come to see Dave Chappelle. It'll be a vacation destination.

Fuck yeah. Like your club is. People were from all over the world last night at Kill Tony. But I don't know how many hotels they have in Yellow Springs. Build a hotel. Build a fucking hotel. Yeah, dude. Become the monopoly.

Then the neighbor's going to complain, there's Dave Chappelle. Kill the neighbors. Kill the neighbors. Who cares, Dave? I like how you think immediately with the perfect answer yeah so his

that spot's gonna be it's gonna be interesting to see if more comics start doing this buying and opening clubs I was with damn dude

Shane's so fucking funny I was with Shane last weekend and he was talking about the club and just like how if you got a bunch of like comedians in a room

like monkeys with a typewriter like they would hammer it out and it would fucking look like your club yeah you know what i mean it's perfect dude well it's it's you know because it was built just for that yeah i mean we had all this time you know i already had the employees lined up you know so it was like there's all this time to just just do it right and you assembled a squad dude you got like the A team in there. It's pretty awesome. They're awesome people. Yeah.

And now I get to hang out with Eget, and we get to sit in the back and say rude things to each other. And the fact that all this is happening while a really robust open mic program is happening. Dude, you got a farm team, dude. Yeah. It's kind of like that in a way. Yeah. It's fun.

You should be proud of yourself. I'm excited. I'm excited about it. I mean, it's one of those things you probably shouldn't think about too way. Yeah. It's fun. You should be proud of yourself. I'm excited. I'm excited about it. I mean, it's one of those things you probably shouldn't think about too much. No, no, no. Just accept it. I think that's why the honey is working for me because this whole time I was sitting here thinking, I'm on the Joe Rogan experience, and then the honey hit, and I'm like,

oh, I'm just like trying to keep a cigar lit and drinking a beer with a cool guy. But that's what it really is. Yeah. That's what's weird about it being this popular. It's just hanging out. I know. But you know this is like a really big deal. You know? Like maybe I'll sell out

Cedar Rapids this weekend. Well I hope you do. You're a funny guy. It's nice to be able to do it. I mean it's one of the cool things about this gig. Putting people on? Yeah I love it. All these skulls. You know, there's not that many of us, buddy, out there in the world.

People with skulls? No. Comedians. There might be like a thousand of us. Yeah. Not that many. I don't know, dude. I've been traveling the world a lot doing stand-up, because that's a real up-and-coming thing now. Like Paris and Bratislava and stuff. Italy, like Barcelona. And there's a lot of comics out there. But good God, American comedians are the best to ever do it. I'll say that.

It's our shit. Yeah. It's like we invented the timing. We invented the whole rhythm of the thing. It's like rock and roll. There's something about, I don't know what it is, but there's something about the way a lot of Europeans are raised that it's a hurdle to get to American stand-up. Less of a hurdle for Australians.

Oh, yeah. They slide right into it. They're funny people, though. They're wild. Yeah, my boy Monty Franklin's coming tonight, too. Nice. But in terms of English versus American, there's a few guys like Ricky G uh english first american there's a few guys like there's ricky gervais and there's a few guys who could really do it but it's like it's it's a

different style of communication over there yeah it doesn't necessarily apply that directly without completely remapping how you talk about things it's the whole storytelling thing they do over there dude yeah i mean jim jeffries obviously he rules that connelly guy he's fucking good connelly yeah scotland right but it's like if you go to a place where it's english as a second language and you're the american comedian you're bodying everyone it's nuts it's a bloodbath why do you think the level over here is so much higher because we've been doing it longer is that what it is i think so and also like we value humor than a lot more than other places do i think i think also um it's real hard to develop if you're the funniest guy in the room

oh yeah for sure i think you have to have people you aspire to yeah and that's one of the more important things about uh comedy communities and that's one of the things that i thought a lot about when i first got here when i first got here before i thought about like jesus christ you really want to open up a fucking comic, right? Is that really what you want to do with your time? You don't have time already. You don't have any time.

Right. How are you going to do this? But then I thought, like, that's actually a very valuable piece of the puzzle. And the more I didn't have it, the more I was realizing, like, it's most of my fun

at nighttime is hanging out with comics and talking. Most of my fun at nighttime. hanging out with comics and talking. Most of my fun at nighttime. It's either, you know, like talking in the green room or it's fucking around after the show, going and having a drink or getting something to eat. Like that's like some of the most fun times I have. That's why we're the luckiest people, dude. Because everywhere you go, you hang out with the funniest people in that city.

Yeah, but if you don't have that, if you're just in, you know you know whatever some weird town somewhere and you start an open mic night it's hard to get good oh for sure you need like real comics around you yeah really good comics around you it's not even enough to be watching it on youtube you got to kind of see it live yeah you got to experience it live it's like what whites you go on the road and then you meet someone really funny in like south bend or cincinnati and you're like dude, you got to get the fuck out of here. You got to go somewhere else because you're really funny and you're not going to get as funny as you can here. And there's also a thing that happens when comics get established and then they get their

own audience and then they bring the weakest possible opening act. And then they go on afterwards only in front of their audience and they look like a hero. Right. Yeah. You know, it's a weird thing because your act sort of deteriorates without you even knowing it right yeah you know you ossify you get soft yeah yeah some shit goes wrong you you don't you got to be around killers you gotta be bill burse of this once he was talking about somebody and he goes you got to do the clubs you got to do the clubs. You got to do the clubs. These guys, they get to a certain point, they stop doing the clubs, and their act falls apart. Yeah.

It's 100% true. Like, you got to do it in front of live people, small crowds, medium crowds. And that's why we set up these two rooms. We have small and then a regular. Yeah. We have a 250 and a 120, which is like the right numbers. You know, it's like 300 is the magic number for a comedy club for it to be intimate but still big you know 300 is the magic number so anywhere you can get between

like 250 and 300 is like the sweet zone it's like comedy works yeah it's the sweet zone you get to those big fucking stand up live in phoenix that's huge it's impersonal so big it's like a small theater it's fine for the people in the front. It's like a small theater. It's fun for the people in the front, but it's like a small theater. You watch people do crowd work in those big rooms, and there's people in back, and it's like, who's he talking to? Zero idea what's going on. They see the back of the head back there. Yeah, they have zero idea what's going on. It's funny when I was opening for

Tim, figuring out how to do comedy in front of 3,600 people or whatever it is, because you can't do crowd work. You have to have an act. Yeah. Like that's what I got super strong as I had like a bulletproof 25 instead of relying on like riffing or, you know,

talking to the crowd. It's like, no, here are my jokes and these are proven. I can't imagine those arenas. You dude, those are fucking crazy, dude.

Those are weird, but they're actually kind of intimate if it's in the round. Yeah. Yeah. But they're actually kind of intimate if it's in the round. Yeah? Yeah. I don't necessarily think that an arena where the back is the stage and the audience is in front of you, like normal, is as intimate as a theater.

It's less intimate than a theater, but more people. But when you're in the round, there's something about being in the round that's more intimate than a theater. It's really weird because you're surrounded by people and the people are seeing the other people. Like everybody sees everybody and everybody's enjoying. One of the things about laughter is it's contagious. You're actually seeing, looking straight ahead at people laughing. It's kind of more fun yeah and there's like this weird sort of sense of like we're all here together having a good time thing that is less apparent when behind you is just a stage wall dude remember those zoom shows you ever do that shit no yeah you don't have to no i wouldn't have

done it i did it oh it was money no just because it was like oh i'll entertain some people in the middle of the day you know and they're just like record it oh god I'll entertain some people in the middle of the day, you know? And they're just like, oh, God, dude. I watched some people bomb at the Laugh Factory doing stand-up for no audience. Yes. And it was so weird, like the steps they were taking to make sure everyone was safe. I'd put you in a giant hamster bubble and fucking roll you up to the stage. They bubble-boyed you? I would have done that for sure.

I would have loved to have been a little... Imagine they develop a hamster chute. You just roll out from the green room. Okay. Sam Talent. Ready to launch. You roll onto the stage. I would keep rolling, dude. I would go right through the door. Gravity has a weird effect

on a man my size. So people are on that stage with a microphone and no audience. Yeah. So weird. You need an audience. You can't practice stand-up in a vacuum. It doesn't work.

That's why it's like the only like pure way of entertaining. Look at Tim Dillon when he does his show. He has an audience of one. Uh-huh. The producer.

Yeah, but he's a once in a fucking generation broadcaster, dude. Yeah, he is. Tim's the dog. He's the man. I gotta hang out with Tim so much.

See him interact with people. Fucking rules. He's the fucking man. One time. He one time greatest ranter of all time he was like some lady came in and was super annoying in Australia and then he like said some shit to her and he she laughed and I was laughing and he was like here's what people don't know I'm a new money homosexual from Long Island I'm a problem problem. People forget. People forget about me because I look like this. No, no, I'm nasty. I was just like howling, dude, slapping my legs.

He's the man. He's the greatest. He put me on, dude. I fucking loved him. He's so funny and he's such a good person. Generous, dude. He's a fun guy.

That's the weird thing about me. Crazy as fuck, too. Oh, sure. I love him. Yeah, undiagnosed. There's definitely some shit going on. But it makes good real estate choices, too. His fucking rants, though, what he's doing is he's developing material like in a laboratory.

It's so good because he's gotten that muscle of doing that and ranting. It's so strong now because he's used to putting them together. It was funny. We were talking about it because he's like, all day now i can't you know i can't relax because i'm thinking okay what am i gonna what's my take on this what am i gonna say about that i'm mad about this what am i mad at you know what am i what am i getting off about like oh right because you you have to come up with all of it yourself so you have to have like valid things things that are going to capture people i want to see his take on dylanvaney. I bet it's amazing.

I bet it is. Nuanced and profound and vulgar and smart. I bet it's amazing. Dude, Tim and I, when we were on the road together, he would just find a really expensive house and arrange a viewing of the house, and we'd go in and waste some realtor's time for an hour. She'd be like, and these are the windows. And he'd be like, very good, Charlotte.

And then she'd turn and he'd be like, dog shit, trash. I wouldn't even kill someone in this room. Hell, it sucks. It could be good. It could be bad. Why does he go and look at houses? Because it's something to do on the road. That's so weird.

One time a lady took us upstairs and it was like, the downstairs was beautiful. And the upstairs was just like leftover materials, total rush job. And we're like, oh, fuck. And she like grabs us and takes us into the bedroom and she points at the fire alarms and she's like these are about to be the industry standard these are these are big these are going to take the world by storm and tim turns to me and he goes it's not good when she's selling the fire alarms you know the house is bad you know the house is bad when that's the selling point upstairs he told me he was talking about like what he does

on on the internet like um i go like I watch a lot of YouTube videos, mostly nonsense shit. And he goes, I'm on Zillow. He is, dude, nonstop. He's looking at houses constantly. I know. But I mean, that's what his original thing was. Those old subprime mortgages. Oh, yeah, he scammed America.

He was part of the crisis. Yeah, he fleeced the nation. Bro, have you seen when he does Meghan McCain? Yeah, of course. Meghan McCain, that is one of seen when he does Meghan McCain? Yeah, of course. This Meghan McCain, that is one of the funniest fucking things I've ever seen in my life. Yeah. Apparently she doesn't like it, which I can understand. I can understand.

It's not slight against you that he does this, by the way. That is not you. Yeah. That is a ridiculous, comedic caricature. Yes. He's invented a character. It's a lampoon, Meghan. Yeah, he's invented a completely different character than you. Uh-huh. He's invented a character. It's a lampoon, Megan.

Yeah, he's invented a completely different character than you. Uh-huh. He's just, wouldn't it be funny if Megan McCain was this insane? Yeah.

Just like, holy shit. Also, Megan McCain secretly has huge breasts, which Tim pointed out to me. Oh, are they secret? I don't know. She does a good job keeping them under wraps.

It's crazy when a gay guy points out a cool set of hooters and you're like, I want to see the world through your eyes. Interesting. Yeah. Interesting. Well, he studied her. Yes, he did. Yeah, he studied her for that piece.

Like a predator. Yes. Like a bobcat looking at a chicken. He's like that falcon getting let loose out of the window, dude. Yeah. That's how Tim sees the world. It's prey. Oh.

Yeah. He's the man. He's the man. He is the man. I was so excited when he decided to come out here, too. Oh, he's so excited about being here? Let me tell you. He loves it in Austin. He hates Austin City.

I know. He loves the club, though. But he hates everywhere. Of course. That's half the fun of Tim. Dude, Tim will call me, and he's like, I'm going to get off the road for a couple months. And then, like, a week later, I see his dates. And it's like, you're a fucking gypsy, dude. He's not going off the road for uh for a couple months and then like a week later i see his dates and it's like you were now you're a fucking gypsy dude he's not going off the road

no he loves it out there he also keeps houses in a bunch of different states he likes he does but uh we talked about the week after he moved here we had a deep freeze where it fucking rain freezing rain for like five days in a row and shut everything down. Yeah. And I had him on the podcast right afterwards. He goes, we were considering suing you. Where the fuck did you move me? It's like, that never happens, dude. It happened again this year. Yeah. It happens.

Tim will call you and he's just in the middle of a conversation he's been having with himself, you know? Yeah. Yeah. He'll be like, Duncan Trussell's got a puppet. What's going on there? That's how you say hello Is that okay? Yeah, we allowing puppets now. It's good

It works, but it could be it could be bad Tim the whole trick to doing Tim is you say one thing and then say it could be right right right yeah Go the opposite way, but light transgender could be good could be bad Yeah, this is what's stupid about the world today our conversation about Bud Light and Dylan Mulvaney is going to make news. Oh, yeah. The dumbest thing ever. I'm on the side of everybody having a nice cold Bud Light. Yeah, I'm not into Bud Light at all anyway.

Can I have that other one? Yeah, you can have it. It's not my thing. Thanks, man. I get it. People like a cold, bland drink. Hey, tongue, take the day off. I'm on Bud Light. I like a Zima.

Yeah, you like to test the metal of your mouth. But I just, like, I think it's funny when people, oh, I saw a really funny one. Somebody took Travis Tritt. This is a photo of Travis Tritt. And it said, like, that Travis Tritt will no longer sell Anheuser-Busch because of Dylan Mulvaney. And then it said also Travis Tritt. And he's basically wearing the most feminine country leather outfit. Like a blue leather outfit with strings hanging down from it.

Like one of the most unmanly looking like tight leather pants high heels yeah let's see if you can find that dude we're so lucky we're comics because if we tried that shit we would get lit up dude for sure there's so many comics who keep me grounded it rolls yeah yeah getting lit up is very important yeah the group chat no that's not it but that's one of them it was he was wearing like some that kind of shit yeah that's it right there but it said also travis tritt and show this outfit navajo grandma imagine if that guy came over he's dating your daughter and it wasn't travis tritt it was travis tritt he gets a pass obviously he's a superstar yeah but if it wasn't

travis tritt and this guy came over it it's like, where do you work, man? Meineke. What do you do that you have that outfit? I sell brake pads. You're going to fucking Chili's Baby Back Ribs with that fucking outfit on? Yeah. What are you doing, buddy? There it is.

That's the picture. That's the picture. He rules. That's the picture. This is also Travis Tritt. Good for Travis. Good for Travis. Low-cut shirt. That guy's not into transgender stuff.

I don't know why. He's been in his hair. He's spent so much time in a salon. That's exactly the point. Yeah. That guy's not into transgender stuff. I don't know why. He's been in his hair. He's spent so much time in a salon. That's exactly the point. Yeah. That's the point. Maybe we hate what we fear we are.

It's like that Guns N' Roses song, Live and Let Die. Yeah. Dun, dun, dun. Dun, dun, dun. Dun, dun. Dun, dun, dun.

Live and let die. Die. That's when I first came to LA, right after the Guns N' Roses scene had busted loose. Yeah. It was like 1994. That's when I first came to LA right after the guns and roses scene had busted loose it was like 1994 that's when I first came to LA it was so different than man such a weird place it was like this this like launching pad for dreams that's what it felt like when you got there

everyone was just there to pursue a dream there was like electricity in the air when you're in your 20s and you're in your 20s and you're in l.a and you're like everyone's trying to make it people are trying to get on sitcoms yeah and go out again of course yeah yeah these you got them over eight over here they're tightly but they're nice they're a nice pull but they're a little tight you see that picture going around with it too hell yeah so he was drinking Bud Light with a transgender person. Yeah, in 2003. Hell yeah. Well, he changed his views. People evolve.

People change, Kid Rock. He got a little tense. I mean, I think when it became so prevalent, people start to panic. That's what it is. It's like, what is happening here? What are we doing? Why is it so prevalent? People evolve.

Maybe people feel safer to come out and be themselves. It could be that. It could be that. It could also be people just like people are easily influenced in any way. People are influenced in a way that if there was something that came along, anything that came along, that gave you a sense of belonging to a group and then a sense of being praised for that and then a sense that you're on you're in part of a new movement like all those things are very attractive to people no matter what it is if it involves religion if it involves gender if it involves whatever

ideology if you all of a sudden can become a group you're in a group you're praised for being a part of that group and praised for your decisions and you get all this attention now and you also get this feeling that you are on the right side and you're there's a righteous element to it this could be with anything and this is how know, people get sucked into all sorts of stuff. It's, and then there's also gender dysphoria, which is absolutely legit. Yeah. A hundred percent real. And it's a psychological condition that's existed forever. Yeah. They don't understand it because biology is strange and that's the reality of being a human being. There's so much variation. There's so many variables. There's so many things that can go right. And so many things that go sideways. So many things that are odd or queer as it were, right. There's weird things variables. There's so many things that can go right and so many things that go sideways, so many things that are odd or queer, as it were.

Right. There's weird things. You know, that's why, like, my number one beef with people that get, like, really religious is the gay stuff. Like, what do you want them to do? Are you or are you not pro-freedom? Right. Dude, freedom is the big thing. Freedom is the big thing.

Pursuit of happiness. I'm telling you, these guys are happy when they fuck guys. Hell yeah, good for them. I know a bunch of them. Yeah. They're all being honest. They're happier than me. They're doing great.

Again, go down Santa Monica Boulevard. Yeah. It's five blocks. The guy's having a great fucking time. Go to Tim Dillon's hotel room. No, no, no. Don't go to Tim. Leave him alone.

Yeah, no, dude. I just think that it's really weird to be- Some things you can't unsee oh or on smell there's just like people who are so obsessed with the idea of expressing themselves and they get mad at other people for doing the same thing because it weirds them out dude you know what i think it is it's one of those things where if you buy into this side of the group you have to adopt a bunch of different ideas. And all those ideas, like you can't be like pro-life, but also think that we need to take away all the guns.

Oh, yeah. No one's going to let you in their group. No. Like what side are you on, you crazy fuck? You're a pro-life person who thinks that we should take everyone's guns. Yeah. No, no, no, no. Pro-life is over there with the First Amendment. You're carrying your mama with a gun.

Yeah. You're on the wrong team. Also, pro-life, you never whoopsied in a girl in El Paso? Whoopsies. Yeah, exactly. What are you talking about? Yeah. Well, the conversation about that that I've had with people,

with religious people, particularly this one guy, was very weird because it was like his thought was at conception. So I was like, what if it's the day of? What if it's the day of? And you can just take something and it just vanishes. We're talking about like two cells. Nope.

Two wrongs don't make a right, even under rape. We were talking about raping children being raped. And I was like, you're out of your fucking mind. This is crazy talk. Also, it's not pro-life or anti-life. It's pro-choice, anti-choice. That's the whole framework. But if I was a conspiracy theorist, if I was a real tinfoil hat guy, I would say if I wanted

to keep everybody fighting against each other, my chess move would be conservatives get rid of Roe v. Wade. Let's get rid. Look, fucking arms in the streets. And then liberals, let's start pushing the most radical ideas and try to make them mainstream. The most radical ideas, like exorbitant taxes for the wealth, income inequality, like ignore all the money, the same side that's pumping into the military industrial

complex. Ignore all the influence of the pharmaceutical companies. Just concentrate on social ideas. Hell yeah, dude. And push them. And get wacky people in your cabinet. Even if these people are totally incompetent, if you can say, this is the most diverse cabinet that's ever been assembled, and that's what they do say.

Yeah, yeah. And then you got that fucking crazy dude with the beard who wears a dress who's non-binary and steals women's luggage. That fucking dude is in the White House in charge of getting rid of nuclear waste or some shit. Let's get a wig on that guy. Fucking amazing, though, when stuff like that happens.

If I wanted to keep people divided and not pay attention to centralized digital currency, which Tulsi Gabbard's freaking out about now that they're trying to do that. If I wanted to keep people ignorant of that stuff, that's what I would do. I would move the cultural chess pieces in a way that I have the loudest fringe people on this side and the loudest fringe people on that side so that all the people that generally agree on most stuff don't ever get along because they're either on this side or that side and that side is represented by a dude with a beard and a dress who steals women's luggage and this side is represented by that fucking lady who assaulted me in Austin in Aspen it's like Trump's our real

president I knew you're a patriot like oh no it It's like you don't want to be associated with these people. You don't want to be associated with these people. You don't want to be associated with anti-vaxxers. And you don't want to be associated with, you know, whatever, fucking fill in the blank that this side hates. There's no war but class war, dude. But it's almost like it's engineered. Oh, it is for sure. They tried to use class war.

And then people realized that, you know, money does move everything. So they saw through for sure. They tried to use class war, and then people realized that money does move everything, so they saw through that. And they tried to use race against each other. Race got together. So now it's ideologies, dude. That's what they're doing. And then they can do whatever they fucking want behind the curtain because our eyes have the wool pulled over so egregiously.

And then there's this beautiful component of climate change. Oh, yeah. They throw that in there, too. And this is one that people duke it out over. The people on the right say it's not that big of a deal. And it's like, it's a natural cycle and it's this and that. And most of these people are, they're pumping out these narratives without even really paying attention to the facts. And then there's other people that say, we're going to boil in 30 years. The ocean's going to boil. We're all going to die. Yeah. But the more time goes on, the more we look at this whole trend of the weather, the more it occurs to me at least that it's never been stable ever in the history of the world.

It's all fucking like this and that and it goes ice age and it gets crazy hot and it goes cold again. It's like it's always done that. It's not like if we don't do anything, it just stays stable. So let's just say that right away. Even if we didn't exist, this fucking thing is not stable, even if we did not exist. So then the question is, how much do we affect it? And we definitely affect it. For sure. There's no chance we don't. We're pumping gas into the atmosphere. It's having a warming effect. How bad is that warming effect? That's what we need to know. And what do we have to do to stop a warming effect. Like, how bad is that warming effect? That's what we need to know. And what do we have to do to stop that warming effect or at least slow down that warming effect?

That's what we need to know. But all this fucking panic and hysteria and you need to get rid of this and get rid of that and we're going to go all electric. Like, what the fuck are you talking about? What are you, pro-lithium mining in the Congo? Yeah. Is that what you are? Are you pro-child slavery to get cobalt? Right. So where are you getting these batteries?

How are you getting 8 billion people to move around electric cars? Where do you get those minerals? You don't. They literally don't exist. No, there's not enough. There's not enough. But there's also no ethical consumption under capitalism and all that fucking Marxist stuff that's true but also sounds trite at this point. It's like true, but also sounds tried at this point.

So it's like, I think that we'll be lucky if we make it to 100 years to see the seas boil without some kind of economic collapse crushing us. So we're out there selling our holes for bullets and salt. Well, I think we're going to have an economic collapse, but I don't think the whole world will. I think what happens is just what always happens. Don't we move the needle on the world, though? For now. But what happens is what always happens. A new empire takes over. Sure.

China. China's using quantum computers to hack all of our fucking shit, dude. They're saving all of our information to the point where they can get quantum computers. Then they can hack everyone's PIN codes and bank accounts and just steal all the money from America. That's the big move. Whoa. Yeah. So that's TikTok.

Well, that's part of it, dude. TikTok's the Trojan horse. Yeah. Uh-oh. I've got to put my money in gold. Yeah, dude. So's the Trojan horse. Yeah. Uh-oh. I got to put my money in gold. Yeah, dude, so what? You know there's only enough. Did you see this?

I saw this the other day. The amount of gold in the world is so small. It's crazy. The amount of gold in the world is something like 75 feet square. What? Yeah. I thought they had vaults full of it from floor to ceiling. I thought so, too. The of it from floor to ceiling. I thought so too.

The actual amount of gold in the world they said was like the size of a cricket pitch. What? Something like that. Is that bullshit? No. It goes up. We gotta leave here and go get some gold. It's volume. It's not just gonna cover it. Right. Yeah, but I don't, I mean like

the size, but 75 feet square. That's like a solid brick. That's like, it's showing pictures of it on the Wimbledon court. Yeah, yeah, but it's like. Can you show me what it looked like on the Wimbledon court? It's towering. Okay. But still, but it's still not that much. That's the whole world.

So it's. It's like half of a twin tower. So it's 75 feet high and how long is it? It's using very strange ways. What is it saying? Metric tons. Okay, so it's 208,874 tons of gold that's been mined throughout history, of which around two-thirds have been mined since 1950.

And since gold is virtually indestructible, this means almost all of this metal is still around in one form or another wow but it's owning gold gonna help you when i'm like on a leash from a warlord you know they're eating off my back do you know the most fun conspiracy theory about gold no it's a really good one um it's from the uh work of zechariah sitchin who was one of the guys who uh translated the ancient sumerian texts. And he believed that the human race is a product of accelerated evolution and that the Sumerian text depicts these godlike beings called the Anunnaki who come here from a planet called Nibiru that's on an elliptical orbit every 3,600 years comes between us and Mars and

causes cataclysms because of the gravity and all the chaos. But that these beings came down here and inserted their DNA into lower primates and created this being. And one of the reasons why it came here was because gold is very difficult to find in the universe. Now, if that's the truth about the earth only has that much gold imagine that one of the reasons why these beings gave us this desire to have gold why gold was so popular always

early on and it was a useless metal so what if it's pretty why how come you could buy a house with bags of gold shouldn't you have steel for a sword or for arrowheads or something well anything would be more well salt was very valuable yeah But this is different because this is like a form of money. Like why has it universally been regarded as valuable like really early on? And what he said was that they realized that they could take these suspended particles of gold and put them in their atmosphere and it would protect them because their atmosphere was eroding. And so this would be like a reflective, like reflective particles they spray in the atmosphere. Like what Bill Gates wants to do where he like blocks out the sun. So this is what's crazy about this.

This guy wrote about this in like the 1970s. He wrote this, what is it called? The Twelfth Planet, I think. That was the first of them. I think he wrote multiple books on this, on the Sumerian text. But in, I think it was like the 1970s or somewhere around then, they were having this sort of symposium on what to do in the sense of like ozone depletion and climate change. Like, is there a way to suspend reflective particles in the atmosphere to block out some of the harmful rays of the sun so that was their idea

so what this this book is trying to say is the reason why humans are obsessed with golds because like the aliens designed us to mine and get the gold and then they would use that gold to protect their atmosphere so they impregnated us with this idea that gold has value yeah because they need it to enhance their ability to keep living. It's a fun idea. It's a very fun idea. All that shit's fun. If you're doing bong hits and you're watching documentaries. High on hallucinogenic honey and you hear Joe Rogan

saying it in your head. It's cool when you see Zachariah Sitchin too because he's this very scholarly looking gentleman with an awesome name and he's pointing out all these different things like the caduceus the sign of uh um medicine like the universal sign of medicine yeah he's like that's the double helix of dna that's what that is that's why it sneaks around like that and he says and it

it represents medicine in ancient sumer and it also like it's present in these very weird stone tablets some of these stone tablets have images of this like enormous being with this human-like creature on its lap but the thing has a tail it's really weird it's really weird stuff and then also they also had a depiction of the entire solar system all the planets in the solar system and roughly the same size and roughly the same place. So they had an idea of what planets were out there in 6,000 B.C. Yeah. Or whatever it was, 5,000 B.C.

That's fucking insane. It doesn't make any sense based on everything we know now. It's fucking insane, and it's wild to look at. Like, you see this clay tablet. It has what is, like, clearly the sun in the center. Like, look at this thing. How wild is that? Are the Anunnaki the albino ones are those the albino aliens um i don't know that i don't know anything about that i'm only like familiar with the chariots of the gods type shit yeah chariots

of the god is interesting too i met that guy really yeah eric von daniken yeah i went to um a lunch it's very wealthy guy that i know is interested in this kind of stuff. And I think one of his friends was as well. And so they decided to have this guy come over. And they said, you know, do you know anybody who knows a lot about this stuff? And then my friend called me up and said, do you want to come and talk to Eric Von Daniken? Yes. I was like, yes.

Yeah. Let's go. This guy was asking him all these questions. I think he's a true believer. He's a true believer. He's a true believer that all these things are created by aliens, whether it's the pyramids or all these other structures that are impossible to do today. I'm a believer that all those structures are most likely the evidence of a super advanced civilization that existed that got wiped out by meteors.

And also that they like conducted energy, right? They did something different than we're doing. No one really knows. And they're all built along the same lines, right? Like the Nazca lines? Some of them are. I mean, the Nazca lines is different. That's in Peru.

That's really interesting stuff because there's enormous things that are laid out on the sand or on the ground that you can't see unless you're in the sky. It's real weird. And some of them look like landing strips. It's like, what were they doing? I have no idea. Yeah, no one knows. No. I think most of that stuff that they keep finding, like the structures of Gobekli Tepe and all these other structures they find around the world,

they don't really know where they came from. I think a lot of that is probably evidence of some shit that existed a long time ago and they got wiped out. This served a purpose globally too, though. There had to be some kind of mass communication to arrange those structures, right? Well, at least in the people that were in that area. What's interesting to me is the most spectacular ones all came from Africa. And we know human beings all came from Africa.

And the most spectacular ever in the history of humanity still exists in Egypt. And they're like, you know, the very most recent they could be is like 4,500 years old, which is bananas. Dude. It's bananas. It's like, what's going on down there? Also, all those cities, like the one in Peru that's built at like 12,000 feet or whatever. How do you get the fucking stones up there, dude? How the fuck did that happen?

I'm going down there with my dad in May. The wackiest theory I heard was that that used to be at the base of water and that everything out in front of that at one point in time many, many, many, many thousands of years ago was all water. I don't know if that's been substantiated or there might be just a wacky theory but if it's not, how did they do that?

And how did they made them so they're all like kind of jigsaw pieces and they all slide right into each other and they're fucking enormous. And they're perfectly fit together. It's not just like random, like fill in with mortar. No. These guys are artists and engineers and wizards.

Like how the fuck do they do that? Yeah, it's crazy to be a mason and also be able to design some kind of structure that can communicate and or create energy to empower people who live almost two miles high. That shit's beyond any kind of fathoming that I can do. Well, what's really weird is that a lot of them have these structures that are designed in mirror of the cosmos too.

So they're very aware of all the stars in the sky and all the constellations and they put a lot of it in their design. They did it in Mexico. The Aztecs did it. The Mayans did it just imagine if there's one time i could go back and see what the fuck was life like yeah i think it would be ancient egypt okay like what were you guys doing how the fuck did you do this like what was what was life like what what what kind of people were around back then? We have some bodies, but the bodies a lot.

Do you know that Cleopatra, she lived closer to the invention of the iPhone than she did to the construction of the pyramids? No. Yeah. No. Cleopatra was not that long ago. Whoa. When was she around? I think a couple thousand years ago.

Holy shit. Yeah. What time was Cleop she around? I think a couple thousand years ago. Holy shit. Yeah. What time was Cleopatra around? Died somewhere in the range of 50 to 30 BC. Yeah. So a little less than 2,000 years ago. Yeah. And then the pyramids were 2,500 years at least before that.

Fuck, dude. And maybe more. What about the Maoris? Those dudes who navigated all the way to Hawaii in fucking kayaks by the stars? Fucking kayaks. I'd go back there. I'd see what those boys were up to. Hardcore shit, dude.

You just launch off of your island, and you're like, fingers crossed, we're going to find some other shit out there. Fingers crossed you didn't get caught in a hurricane. Or they knew. Or someone told them there was shit out there. That's what I'm talking about. Well, I bet they went on fishing voyages, and I bet they just kept going further and further out. Really? And if you do it over time and you figure out how to get back, they probably just – I don't think they did it all in one crazy trip.

No, but I think that they had expeditions that they would probably report back from lesser islands, come back, be like, now we have set up over here. Right, because you probably didn't even know where the islands were. No. Your fingers crossed you're going to find land. Imagine finding Hawaii. Yeah. Imagine. You're out there in the middle of the ocean.

Like, dude, I think we're fucked. We're going to die out here. Yeah. I think we're only in the middle. So we don't have any more water. All we have is coconut milk. And then all of a sudden you look and you see waterfalls and shit. You're like, oh!

No wonder why they're so happy. They're stoked. Yeah. It's like always been a vacation spot. Yeah. And also I understand why they defended it so hard. Fuck yeah. Yeah, it's like your right to be mad at the doles corporation, you know?

Well, it's also weird that that's, I mean, I think it deserves all the protection of America. Don't get me wrong. But it's weird that Hawaii is in its own country because it's five hours in a plane over the ocean. You're pretty much in Japan. You're in the middle. Yeah. Really, I think it's the most remote place you can travel to. The most remote large city is Honolulu.

Yeah. There's a million people in Honolulu. For sure. Yeah. Most of them are Japanese. Really? Hell yeah, dude. That city is like all, it's built built on like the Japanese like way of life.

That's why they're so efficient. And the buses in Honolulu are always on time. No shit. Yeah. And that food they have out there. I get it. I get why they're furious that they've been ruined by American capitalism. By people with Hawaiian shirts.

Yeah, exactly. By big fat guys like me out there just ruining their sunsets with my weird nude body. Just drinking and getting drunk and wanting to... Where's the fucking luau, bro? Why is there gravy on your hamburgers? They do have gravy on their hamburgers. What do they call that? That's right, mocha loco.

Yeah. Yeah. It's just guys like me chugging those, having a bunch of Bud Lights, going down to the water. Hunting wild pigs. Oh, dude. How about those dudes who hunt? They wear like, they have their dogs wearing boar vests. Yeah.

Do you know about that shit? Of course you know about that shit. Yeah, I know about that shit. That's wild. Down in Arkansas? They do it in Hawaii too, buddy. Yeah? Yeah.

The dogs hold the boar down and they stab it. I'm glad those dogs haven't got me yeah that's a rough way to do it man savage by dogs yeah but the thing is it's like with a lot of those pigs you can't get to them like they're really smart they smell you and they take off a million miles away and like the winds in hawaii swirl all over the place it's very difficult for a person to like do anything about invasive species without some help. Pigs are so smart. That's why they use dogs.

Yeah. It's because of the terrain for the most part. It's rough, man. The dogs clamp down on... They use pit bulls, and the pit bulls clamp down on the boars and hold them in place. They get fucked up by those boars, too. Oh, they get fucked up. Yeah.

They get fucked up bad. I'll show you a boar that I shot in California. And they get fucked up by those boars too. Oh, they get fucked up. They get fucked up bad. I mean, I'll show you a boar that I shot in California. I have a little skull out here. All right. The teeth are fucking bizarre, man. They're these crazy choppers that come out like this far, almost like halfway up his face, and they sharpen each other as they close.

No. Yeah. Oh, no, that's another animal. That's javelina. Javelina, their teeth sharpen each other as they close. No. Yeah. Oh no. That's, um, that's another animal. That's, um, javelina. Javelinas, their teeth sharpen each other as they close. Javelinas have crazy sharp teeth. So throughout their life, they're just constantly getting more and more honed. Well, it just like keeps it sharp. Like, Oh, I don't have it here, but I have one that I shot and I turned into chorizo. And you, uh, when you run your finger across the blade of its skull,

it's like, whoa. Like that, the blade that comes out of the bottom teeth, that's what they look like. Whoa. So they close and they actually sharpen each other. They scissor. The bottom ones are fucking crazy sharp. Look at that.

That would destroy your leg. That's what it looks like. It's in your calf's meat. See that picture of it with its mouth open? That's what it looks like. Go to the one that's actually alive. Look at that rat pig. That's fake. That's what it looks like. See that picture of it with its mouth open? That's what it looks like. Go to the one that's actually alive. Look at that rat pig. That's fake. That's a real one.

When they do a mount like that, that's not their real teeth or their real tongue. That looks like a little pig bear. I know. It's not even a pig. It's a cousin of a pig. It's called a peccary. Oh, it's a peccary. It's a different kind of animal. They're all over Oklahoma on the side of the road. You can eat them. They taste good.

If you prepare them correctly, I made chorizo and eggs the other day with javelina meat. I'd eat that shit easy. Whack. They scream. Look how... They make crazy noises. Look how aerodynamic it is. Yeah, look at them go.

It looks regal. That's me in the water. They make crazy little demon noises. I was pig hunting once, and we were walking down this dirt trail, and there was this really high grass to the right of us. And inside the high grass, yeah, that's the noises they make. Going after that pumpkin. Listen to the noises.

Get along, boys. Bro, I mean, they sound like little demons. Yeah. They're mean. They won't share that pumpkin. But we were walking down this trail, and to the right of us was this high grass, and inside were wild pigs. Yeah.

And we were fighting. And dude, it sounded like demon shit. It sounded like Lord of the Rings stuff. It's like... I was like, Jesus Christ. It's like Mordor. Like, if we were hunting demons, and that's just what they looked like... Turn around. It's like Mordor. Like if we were hunting demons and that's just what they looked like. Turn around.

It'd be terrifying. Yeah. Hearing that noise coming out of the grass was like, what the fuck? They will charge you too. Yeah. That's what's scary about wild pigs. They'll fucking go after you. Don't pigs turn feral within two weeks or something crazy?

I think it's like they start to morph within five or six weeks. Yeah, they grow tusks like real quick within a year. Well, they're face elongates. Yeah. That's like, this was all explained to me by Steve Rinella. He was the guy actually that I was pig hunting with when we heard him in the grass like demons. It was the craziest noise, dude. So he said that this one species, you know, people say wild boars and wild, it's all one

species. It's called Suecrophia. And they're all, like, interchangeable. They just selectly breed them for different things. But it's one species, which is nuts. So, like, when a domestic pig gets out, like, some of these pigs, like, you ever heard of hogzilla? Yeah. Hogzilla is this giant wild boar they caught.

He said that's most likely that was a domestic pig that somebody fattened up and got real enormous. And then it broke out. And it just made its way to the woods. So your classic pink pig became Hogzilla. Their hair changes. It gets thicker and darker. And they just look totally different. Nature.

It's wild, dude, because it's like they're like gremlins. Yeah. They're like the gremlins and they feed them after midnight? Mm-hmm. That's what happens to the pigs. They're like, we're cool as long as you feed us and keep us in a fucking barn. Keep us fat and happy. Yeah, keep us in this, like, contained, fenced area.

Yeah. We're good. That's like the majority of Americans. And then as soon as, like, you can't get food anymore, they're going to turn and start eating each other. That's what it is. We're going to be fucking eating each other's kids and shit. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The last of us. I don't think I'll do well in that situation. You might rise to the occasion, buddy. Dude, I'm trying. I think you might. I think you might.

Comedians will be the first against the wall, and they'll use my back for leather for their chariots. My wife's a doctor, so she's going to be very valuable. They're going to want her. Right. I'll just be like an ox. I'll have a yoke in my mouth pulling the carts. Maybe your football

and wrestling experience could come in handy. I would easily, I would fucking eat someone real quick, dude. How quick? Easy. As soon as I need to. How long does it go out for? Two months. Two months? Four and a half days. Four and a half days later. I'm going next door with my Mossberg. Being like, what do you got in here? Who's ripe? Hand it over.

I have no problem with cannibalism for some reason. Would you want to kill and eat the people that were a problem first? Just like clean up society, Dexter style? No, I'm still lazy. It'd be proximity. It'd be whatever was in my grasp. I bet you wouldn't be lazy. You'd probably lose a lot of weight. Your joints would feel better.

Oh yeah. Because you wouldn't be doing whatever you're doing now. You'd be trying to find food. Whatever I'm doing now. So you would also only be whatever you're doing now. You'd be trying to find food. Whatever I'm doing now. So you would also only be drinking water because that's probably all that's available. Once everybody cleans out all the warehouses of soda, this is going to be a few people that hoard soda. It would be a thing. You bust it open for special occasions. Hey, I got a bottle of Dr. Pepper in the basement.

I got some vintage Surge over here. Yeah, they'll bust out a fucking Pepsi. He yeah he's got pepsi he's still got bubbles yeah it'd be a can this big it'd be like eight glasses yeah yeah this is amazing it'd be sacrament at that point right yeah that would be what would happen pepsi would become our sacred beverage that we would drink on weddings and you know if you were super rich a new king rc cola that and, you know. If you were super rich. Crown a new king. RC Cola. That's how you know you made it in the apocalypse. No, Jones. Like, Jones.

Jones is good. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Real sugar. If you have a case. If you have a case of, like, some fucking. Yeah. Some artisan soda. Yeah.

Yeah. It's like we're watching this show, Yellow Jackets, me and my wife, and they're all, like, upset about having to eat one of their friends. I don't give a shit. What is Yellow Jackets? They eat their friends? There's a bunch of girls who said that so easily well yeah it's

it's fictional it's not a documentary but these girls get like trapped in the woods on like uh they're on like a soccer team or whatever and their plane goes down and they have to eat one of the girls after she dies it's like she's already dead yeah she's already dead it's not that big muncher but here's the issue with eating someone after they died. If they starve, they don't have any nutrients in their body. Is that true? So eating them, yeah. Like they've already leached all the nutrients out to go to their liver and heart.

What's that? Where are you hearing this? Like shipwreck books. Really? Yeah. I've read a lot of books about like shipwrecks. So their meat won't have vitamins. It's not valuable.

Yeah. It's not valuable if they're starving to death? Yeah, because they've like used all of their nutrients to keep their organs alive huh yeah that's so it's like eating styrofoam with that that makes sense because if you eat healthy things it's probably healthier yeah it's like wild game so good for you right that makes sense like eating elk heart right compared to eating just like a guy who died in the hospital. Guy who got... Hmm, cannibalism. It's perfectly natural. A new scientific history argues. Okay.

Whatever. That's what they're trying to normalize next after they normalized the Dalai Lama? Where do these libs end? Is that what they're doing? Fucking cannibalism? First, you want to indoctrinate my kids. Suck on my tongue.

Then you want minor... What is it? Minor attracted people? Yeah, dude. They tried that one for a little while. Fuck that shit, dude. Get the fuck out of here. Get out of here.

I'm eating your ass first. A hundred percent. Dude. Yeah, get them while the nutrients are hot. Yeah. Oh, give me that. Give me that pedo meat. Minor attracted people.

What the fuck are you saying? Fuck you, dude. Yeah. I haven't heard of the medicinal cannibalism. What? I hadn't heard of the medicinal cannibalism. What? I hadn't heard of the medicinal cannibalism you described in Europe, starting with the ancient Greek physician Galen of Pergamon and continue to the 20th century.

That was one thing that really surprised me. What? I told you they used to eat skulls, yeah, and then the mummia stuff. Yeah, they used to have mummy unwrappings at fancy parties. Oh, yeah. So if you went to Tim Dillon's house, hey, I'm having have mummy unwrappings at fancy parties. Oh, yeah. So if you went to Tim Dillon's house, hey, I'm having a mummy unwrap. Come by. I'm going to wear a Rolex.

On both wrists. I'm going to have a headband. It's a Rolex. And he's going to fucking unwrap mummies. And you take a scoop full and put it in your tea. That was like Greg Gadsby shit, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gilded Age.

Yeah. I love that movie with Leonardo DiCaprio. He's the man. I love the fake car. Yeah. A car that didn't really exist. There was no car that drove that well back then. I never realized that.

Those cars were shit. Huh. That movie, The Great Gatsby, that car that he has is like a resto mod. It's like a modern version of an old car. The thing was the shit. Whoa. I remember watching that thing going, that is so much better than any car that existed back then. Like, what is that thing supposed

to be? Like, that thing, when he drove it around, that thing is amazing. Look at that hat. The way that thing drove in that movie is, like, literally impossible for one of those things. Those things were dog shit. The Great Gatsby. That's an older one.

Those white wall tires. time that's a real one but let me tell you something if you drove that it drives like dog shit but now look at his look at Leonardo DiCaprio on look at that thing with the fucking pipes and all that shit yeah see all that fucking wild action inside the the engine compartment that's all fake that didn't exist back then if it did I'd have one like I need that fucking thing in my life that thing is awesome I love old cars but I don't see those things drive like dog shit that's the problem like what a car looks like a snub-nosed pistol that looks pretty dope that's

sick that looks pretty dope but it's like those cut like the one Leonardo DiCaprio had if you watch see if you can find him driving in the movie. It behaves in a way that no car from that era can. It moves like a modern car. It moves fast and it's like it handles. It's like, no, no, no, no, no. See if you can find some video of him driving. Him and Toby. It's beautiful looking though, man.

They're on their way to get some pussy. Go get Toby. Oh, Europe. Yes, Europe. It's beautiful looking though man They're on their way to get some pussy See how it's cornering and shit All that Like not gonna happen You're dead That thing's spinning out It's 90% of it's weight's in the front It's got zero horsepower What does that fucking thing have for horsepower

Like go back to one of them old ones to tell me what they have. That old yellow one that looked like it. See what horsepower it had. I'm going to guess. I bet it had 100 horsepower. Let's guess 100. I'll take the under. Yeah, it's got to be under.

It's probably under. Yeah, probably way overestimating. So... Oh, that's not the right one. Okay. Thank God. What year was it? 1928.

Whoa. Okay. I'm under now. I'm under 100. Maybe 95. 95 horsepower. It's crazy. He wrote that book.

And at the same time, Sherwood Anderson was writing like Winesburg, Ohio about people eating dirt. It's like these were two parallel thinking in like the modern novel at that point. It was nuts, man. Well, that's happening right now, right? Oh, in Haiti, they're eating dirt all the time. I mean, you have people in some parts of the world that are essentially starving to death and drinking out of puddles. Right, for sure.

And then you have succession. Right, yeah. You know? Don't spoil it. I'm not spoiling it. All right. It's great, though. I know.

But you know, you have like these fucking spoiled rich kids and their crazy dad, and people get excited about it. 20 horsepower. 20. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Let me tell you something. In 20 horsepower, you're not doing any of that fishtailing. You're not doing any of that driving real fast.

All that stuff, that thing is slow as fuck. I feel like between the two of us, we have 10 horsepower. At least. Yeah. At least 10 bitch-ass horses. Hell yeah, dude. Little miniature ponies. No, we probably don't even have a horsepower. Maybe. Yeah. At least 10 bitch-ass horses. Hell yeah, dude. Little miniature ponies. No, we probably don't even have a horsepower.

Maybe. No. No way, man. We can pull. No, no, no. I'll be pulling. Horses carry people for days. I've given some long piggyback rides.

Bitch-ass engine. Whoa. 1923, the Merlin 23. It says 1,200 horsepower, it says. What? It's a V12. No,200 horsepower, it says. What? It's a V12. No. That's what it says.

Maybe that's augmented. That's why I was taking my time. But is that an engine for a plane? I was about to say it might not be for a car. Is that for a plane? Probably. That's crazy. That's probably huge, right?

Yeah, aero engine. Yeah, it's in marine variants, Jamie. Yeah, yeah, okay. So that's a marine engine? Oh, they probably make crazy yacht engines, too. Yeah, that's why the first one I found was bringing this up, a $28 million yacht-inspired Rolls-Royce that had 500 horsepower. What?

The Rolls-Royce is $28 million? This thing. What the fuck? It's sleek. I think Jay-Z bought one. Of course he did. I'd buy one if I was Jay-Z, too. You kind of have to have one if you're Jay-Z.

It's part of the package. Yeah. You got to stunt. You got to have a $2 million Richard Millay watch. What are those called? Richard Millay. Yeah, that's it. You can't have Beyonce pushing around in like a 2007 Impala.

Exactly. Look at that thing. It's pretty, but it's not $20 million pretty. I get it. It's pretty sick, though. The boat tail has echoes of something that went away. Look at that. Two-door, removable roof.

Removable roof? Oh, the deck lid splits in two? That's pretty sick. Reveals an Alabic picnic camper? What? What? What? Look at this. deck lid splits in two that's pretty sick reveals an alabic picnic camper what what what look at this there's fucking glasses

and champagne and shit in the back it pops open that's what people want oh my god what a piece of shit you'd have to be to get that car

you pull up to that and drive to a picnic oh my god the only car on podcast island is this yes our only car on podcast island yes

but that's half the cost of the fucking island so that's what's crazy yeah the island's like 40 million oh you got that. But that's half the cost of the fucking island. That's what's crazy. Yeah, the island's like $40 million. Oh, you got that lying around. That's what we're thinking. Yeah.

Get that island, dude. I think I should make that Podcast Island. That would be a hilarious goof. It would be a hilarious goof. It would get recorded there only. What's that? Protect our island. Yeah.

Yeah, we only do protect our parks there. We're here to protect this island. We're here to be taken over by the bankers. We decided to claim it for shit talking. Well, alright. Sam, I think we did at least three hours, right? Yeah, man. How many did we do? Three.

Tell everybody your Instagram and all that jazz, your social media. My Instagram is at Sam Talent. T-A-L-L-E-N-T. Is that your real name? Yeah. Really? Yeah.

What are the odds? Why would I have chosen talent and spelt it wrong? Because you're talented. Right. And it's like it's better that it looks like fake. T-A-L-L-E-N-T. Maybe regular Sam Talent was already taken. Yeah, that's me right there, man.

Yeah. Buy my book. If you had Sam Talent 69, that's what I would think happened. Yeah, 420 Sam Talent. Read the novel Running the Lights right here yeah buy it off my website

by the way fuck Amazon buy it off samtalent.com and I'll give you a signed copy oh there you go yeah ship it out there's an audio book if you're dumb

that's me yeah yeah I love audio books well yeah you're busy though son of a bitch you're on the move did you read it

no I had Burt Kreischer Tim Dillon. I had 15 different comics read every chapter. The Bert one's going to be tough, but I'll get through it. Yeah, he did the first one. That's good. Nice warm-up. I got Kanaan, Ari, Dan Soder, David Borey.

They all did great jobs. Beautiful. Yeah. All right. Fantastic. And see me on the road. Go see Sam Talen. And if you hear this, you won't even know that he's here tonight because it comes out tomorrow.

It comes out tomorrow. I'm there tomorrow. Yeah, that's right. 4-12. But it's already sold out, so tough shit. Oh, that's good. Yeah. That's good news.

That's it. Thank you for having me, Joe. I really enjoyed it, brother. Thank you. You're a very funny guy. I really appreciate it. All right. Bye, everybody.