The Joe Rogan Experience - #197 - Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: March 19, 2012

Joe sits down with Ari Shaffir.

But Joe Rogan, ready to break shit down. Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. That was one of the greatest moments of my life. That's my favorite. I wait for that. I realize as this music started up, I'm like, oh, I want to wait for that Diaz play. That was the coolest shit ever when he did that. In the middle of the fucking octagon when he said that, I was like, wow. We just got the best commercial of all time. Nick Diaz throws his arms up in the air yeah somebody got mad at me on twitter recently

for for um for uh going against the suspension we're talking ill of it really yeah well if folks don't know nick diaz got suspended or he's in the process of a hearing right now about his use of marijuana he only tested positive for the metabolites in his system and i i guess what his lawyer is arguing is that metabolites aren't illegal and that the marijuana is illegal and you're not allowed to have marijuana in your system but you don't even have a law for metabolites oh i thought it was like metabolites only remnants and the last time he was smoking when he got those remnants was when he was legally smoking by the state of california the the metabolite that actually was in his system is an inert metabolite.

The metabolite that he tested positive for is not psychoactive. Oh. So the only thing that he tested positive for was a non-psychoactive cannabinoid. There's, you know, I don't know how many cannabinoids. I shouldn't talk about this

until I talk to Todd McCormick. Why don't they just let him smoke pot, though? It's like it's not a performance enhancing drug, and doesn't hurt the person i get in this argument with people i get in this argument with people um and um a lot of people have been angry at me about this because i said that i think marijuana is a performance enhancing drug and it is if you're good it is if you're good with pot and it is if you're good with the martial arts it is enhancing and it's it's it's not necessarily enhancing like you could give it to one guy and his emotions and his nerves and

everything just because the fact that he's about to enter into a cage fight it might overwhelm him and he might just lose his shit but you could give it to like i guarantee you could give some weed to bj penn and he'd go out and fuck people up yeah BJ Penn I don't think he would have any problem with it he's an OG you know what I mean he's a veteran you think he'd be better I think the jiu-jitsu those guys yeah those guys never roll sober you gotta understand there's a lot of these guys like high-level guys try to get back in the same place I don't want to name any names because some people don't like people talking about it so I'm gonna tell but high level jujitsu guys that you've heard of like in videos and everybody like mimics them with their their own game a lot of those guys smoke weed a lot like it's a big percentage

and they smoke weed and train you know and look i always go back to eddie bravo you know because he's my best friend but he's also one of the best jiu-jitsu instructors in the world. And I've never seen Eddie do jiu-jitsu when he wasn't high. Sometimes he gets so high, he can barely teach. He's like, I don't know where I was going. But he'll tell you. He'll tell you that it enhances him. He'll tell you that it enhances his sensitivity.

It puts you in the flow better. It lets you... Okay, but so does, let's just say, vitamin B or whatever else you take. Oh, no. It's very different, though. Vitamin B is very good as far as your body's ability to perform yes but not as far as being able to change your state the idea that the thing about marijuana is it's so it's it's so euphoric and it's so mind expanding

and it's it's what it does when you have the family this is by the way it's not for everybody obviously everybody's brain works in different ways but with my personal experience i get this wave of understanding when i get high and that prepares me for things man that's one of the reasons why i like to get high before i do big giant shows yeah it slows everything down for me i play poker tournaments high yeah pool is fantastic high i play a ball better when i'm high really yeah that's another thing you'll say at a tournament you'll see all the poker pros you know running to their cars it breaks yeah marijuana is an enhancer it is an enhancer it just is do you think it affects your judgment though to do stuff like

like in jiu-jitsu like i mean you watch a movie stoned and it you might think it's awesome the next day you think it sucks right if you're doing jiu-jitsu with somebody or MMA, maybe you would do something you normally wouldn't do because you're thinking something different. Well, you could, but that could lead... See, what you're saying is... Take more chances. Hold on a second.

What you're saying is that you would make a big mistake. Not a big mistake. You'd just do something that you normally wouldn't do. Well, that would be a positive, though, a lot of the times. would be a positive though a lot of times as long as you're good again as long as you're good because if you're a good jujitsu player if you're a good grappler you have a fundamental understanding of where you're supposed to put yourself where you're in danger where you're not in danger what can be done you know there's all these moves tie into each other you know when you learn how to do butterfly hooks butterfly hooks you know you you you learn how to do butterfly hooks butterfly hooks you know

you you you learn how to manipulate people's bodies that that all of a sudden becomes a way to move people around just like with your hands and that adds to all these other techniques that you do so there's like there's there's like literally an a limitless number of moves and positions i mean there's so many different variations so many different counters to those variations that you if you as long as you have a deep understanding of positions and as long as you have a deep understanding of what's dangerous and what's not you're not going to usually put yourself in a bad spot i mean occasionally if you're training with friends you'll like say can i do this let me just try to do this because you won't worry like if you

get mounted or something like that you know you're not like in a competition where it's for your life whereas if you were in a fight you wouldn't try this position yeah but i think that's where a lot of like new moves come from because it helps you like with stand-up where it helps you riff a little more like let me try this but that can also lead to a bad place where you're like oh yeah that went nowhere fuck up man all the time we all we both do it all the time i mean i did it this past weekend a couple of times um it's like two out of three fuck ups it's like plenty of like well when you're doing new shit yeah when you're doing new shit especially like at the ice house i did a lot of new shit this weekend and you know i'm preparing for this special in uh atlanta which by the way um if

you go to my twitter feed or go to joe rogan.net there's a link for it it's we're at the tabernacle on 420 and i'm to be filming my special. Did you already sell that one show? Yeah. The first show is gone, and then the second one is selling fast. So if you want to get in, I would love to have you guys come down. It's going to be a lot of fun. It's going to be crazy.

I'm psyched to do it. It was crazy last time. I'm psyched to do it in Atlanta, too, because I haven't been in Atlanta in a long time. What is a Tabernacle? Brian, that's in the video what is the taranac what is it like what is is that is that like a nut because everyone acts like

that's everyone knows what one of those is I have never heard of one it's just a name tabernacle that's always like tabernacle choir yeah it's a nice and nice name for something for you know it's like I don't know I mean I should I don't know look it up what is tabernacle I have no idea I it's a nice name for something. For what? I don't know. I mean, I should probably look it up. I don't know. Look it up.

What is Tabernacle? I have no idea. I feel like I'm stupid for not knowing what it is. Yeah, if you told me it was the Tabernacle Buffet, I would say, wow, it must be an excellent buffet. I'm sure it's like- That buffet is regal as fuck. It's like Rolls Royce or something.

It's like some name. Tabernacle. Tabernacle. Tabernacle. Tabernacle. Tabernacle. Wikipedia. Residents or dwelling place. Wow. The Tabernacle. It's Hebrew, bro. That's why I don't care. Tabernacle. Wikipedia. Residence or dwelling place. Wow.

The tabernacle. It's Hebrew, bro. That's why I don't care. It's English. It's your people, man. How the fuck do you not know this? Yeah, well, that's what I mean. The tabernacle is a residence or a dwelling place according to the Hebrew Torah Old Testament. See, it just sounds annoying. Well, I don't know

how that got to Atlanta. Is there a lot of Jews in Atlanta? No. Christians started using it? is that what it is yeah i guess so maybe that was the english translation for the for a hut something that's interesting so it's just a house just it's like a super fancy way to say house tabernacle yeah you're right i've never known what that word meant so that's where we're at tabernacle and it's on 420 which is so silly we had to do it it's perfect it's so silly we had to do it. Oh, it's perfect. It's so silly we had to do it. When you told me you were thinking about it, I was like, no, dude.

Let's probably just do that. No, it costs us extra money to do it this way. Really? Yeah, everybody else wanted to do it the next month. But I was like, you know what? It's 420. It's just so silly. Yeah.

Let's just get in there. Just get in there and film it on 420. It's just so perfectly goofy just get in there and film it on 420 it's just so perfectly goofy you know it is you know i mean fucking i love how doug benson does his 420 shows yeah 420 in the afternoon because look yes it's preposterous it's silly it's ridiculous but we all agree on he's cut out everybody but his hardcore fans he's getting you know he's getting showing up at 420 in the afternoon on Sunday. There aren't casual

Doug Benson fans showing. Do you guys ever have a screen name that had the 420 in it? No. How dare you? You did? Did you ever have one that had 69 in it? Probably.

I definitely had Red Band 420 back in 2012 bro yeah no i never i never did aol or something wait let me ask you a question though oh fuck it okay no ask why should something if it just enhances yourself why should certain those things okay back to the weed being an enhancer well it's all in what does it you know look doesn't it is the reality is everything you take is a performance enhancer, from vitamins to minerals to a good diet. Isn't it just what's harmful for your body? That's what they try to outlaw?

No. What they're trying to outlaw is, what they're trying to do is they're trying to stop low-level physical engineering. And that's what steroids are. It's low-level. It's inevitable that they're going to come out with nanobots. that's low level. It's inevitable that they're going to come out with nanobots.

It's inevitable they're going to have the ability to literally change your genome. It's inevitable. It's coming. It's coming. It's going to happen.

The doctor in Star Trek is Deep Space Nine. He was all... He was all genome dead, right? He could have bullseyes every time. It might not be in our lifetime. I mean, it might be

in another lifetime after us. But sometime, if you look, as long as we don't blow ourselves up or get hit with a fucking asteroid, we're going to make things better. There's no way,

there's not a technological wall they're going to hit. These fucking guys are coming up with incredible discoveries, and these incredible discoveries actually make those other incredible discoveries easier. So, I mean, all the technology essentially works together as far as, like, computer processing power and as far as knowledge gained and learned and you build on that instead of having to redo those experiments to get to a certain point you're already far far along the process and then these new minds just add to it they're gonna figure out a way to do something

that's way crazier than steroids they're gonna figure out a way to make dr manhattan's they're gonna figure out a way to make giant blue dudes with giant blue dicks. I mean, it's going to be real. It's going to be unstoppable. Once it becomes an actual technology. Once they get over the morals of it. Then it's only a matter of time. Is it 100 years?

Is it 200 years? We'll breed workers? Yeah. We'll breed workers? We will be unrecognizable 200 years from now. You think so? as long as we stay alive and keep cloning and getting more and more stuff we're trying really hard to fuck it up we're trying really hard to eat every fish in the fucking ocean and then throw all of our shit in there and

plastic people live longer they accomplish more things yeah but we're trying to still trying to fuck up the ocean we're gonna overcrowd thiscrowd this place. Yeah, that's an issue. You know, they say you can produce enough food in like one state of the country. You know, if you take like North Carolina, if you filled North Carolina with farms, you could produce enough food to feed the whole world. But I say, fuck you. I say, you're crazy. I think your calculations suck dick.

Are we off? Yeah, you could barely have people scratch by. And North Carolina is not that big, stupid. And by the way, those people are just going to make more people. calculations suck her way off yeah you could barely have people scratch by and north carolina is not that big stupid and by the way those people are just going to make more people and then what are you going to do you're going to move into south carolina take over that and make that a farm with that's assuming there was like a line up to the door of north carolina right now i think we're okay and we'll probably be okay for another generation but we're eventually going to reach a point in time where there's too many people i mean we're okay here in america we're they're

certainly not okay in other parts of the world population bomb population explosion rachel carson and and her husband wrote books about it yeah but that's the number one pop problem for our population is when it explodes and can't sustain itself yeah i mean it has to because and it it it reproduces uh exponentially and instead of geometrically so it's not like two this year two more next year two more it's like two then then five then nine then 20 you know 20 yeah it just keeps going fuck so it'll be the last minute i'll just go we'll just fill this place up and we'll all just humongous plague yeah that's a real issue right yeah how do you stop that rain is gonna come you know you gotta wonder you gotta wonder if you know human population uh has like a like a number like a cap reset

button to keep it at i think that's what aids is really aids the plague it's all just nature's way of um of balancing it out trying to fight it well how come there's less plague today then that doesn't make any sense there's way more people way more people but way less plague i think things come up because of it well i think sort of but we combat that with science yeah so we're outdoing nature's way of combating it yeah we're well we're greedy bitches like your body can fight off certain diseases when it's presented with too many coughs it's like i'm out right it's all my blood cells are gone right yeah i wonder what i mean somebody actually brought that argument up recently. I forget where it was.

But the idea was that a virus was actually engineered, that viruses are engineered by nature to attack humans. Yeah, to keep us off. Isn't that fucked up? I think we just have a thousand words. That's all we got left. A thousand words? What is that, an Eddie Murphy movie?

How dare you? When is he going to stop making bad movies? Doesn't he have enough money? Doesn't he have enough money? Another 0% on Rotten Tomatoes, too. Last I checked. You can just not make any movies if you want. You have enough money.

It can't be about the money. It can't be. Go back to comedy. But that guy was hilarious. So I know he can do that. He has moments. We got to get him on weed. We got to find him. He has to already be on weed. He doesn't smoke pot. I don't know he can do that. He has moments. We've got to get him on weed. We've got to find him.

He has to already be on weed. He doesn't smoke pot? I don't know. His brother does. Charlie smokes weed. I never smoked with Eddie. He must have tried it. I'm sure.

His brother did. Yeah, I'm sure. Why do we think he didn't? Charlie Murphy gets high as fuck. Really? Yeah, he gets high. He smokes blunts. He smokes those ones with the tobacco on the outside.

We got high. That was a totally different high. That's weird. That's a weird high the tobacco on the outside. We got high. That was a totally different high. That's weird. That's a weird high, man. We were in a limo. What tobacco makes sense? Well, the tobacco's not mixed in. It's the leaf, yeah.

Okay, that's not bad. Which, by the way, yeah, it is bad. Here's the deal. You're not supposed to smoke cigar leaves. You just inhale. You puff those. Oh, but they're smoking them. But they're inhaling them.

So they're taking these cigar leaves that you're not supposed to be inhaling in the first place. And they're inhaling them with their weed. It's craziness. I'm like, this is not the way to do it, man. You know, they like to do those real Philly blunts. They like to get fucked up. They're like, give me the worst shit. Just fuck me up.

Phillies are disgusting. The idea that you would take one of those shitty cigars, those shitty grandpa cigars, and actually inhale it. It's like tiramisu. You can't have it once in a while. You don't do it every day. I had a couple cigars before that were like sweetened cigars. Yeah.

Have you ever had those before? Swisher Sweets. Swisher Sweets, yeah. But that was the grandpa version of that. The grape ones are good, too. You get a nice buzz off a cigar. That's what people don't know. You know, a lot of people don't know.

You can get just as high off a good cigar as you can off shitty weed. My first cigarette, I would find it smelled like once every few weeks. You know, like when I was just in college or when I just started. It was like when you have one, it's like, whoa, it's a major buzz. Yeah, yeah. The real, a deep tobacco buzz, like especially real tobacco, like cigar tobacco, it's like whoa it's a major buzz yeah yeah the real a deep tobacco buzz like especially real tobacco like cigar tobacco it's nice it's a nice feeling i mean those dudes aren't doing that just because it looks cool yeah like they're getting high they're getting high from that tobacco it's a weird high they're getting nasty the sclard brothers i used to smoke before i played

basketball outside on the courts and i got picked up once like all right come on we're starting i had to like take my last few puffs off a cigarette and this i figured it was randy or jason but one of them was like ari you have to cut quit smoking i was like i know i know like it's bad for your health i'm like i know and they're like it makes you stink i'm like i know i know and like it's not cool like well that's where you're wrong clearly it's cool that's the only reason anyone has ever started smoking it's cool it's cool how's it cool cool people that's just always been a cool thing it's been an i don always been a cool thing. It's been an I don't give a fuck thing.

Yeah. That's the reason why people smoke cigarettes is because they don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. You know, you see a private investigator in a movie and he's taking a drag off his cigarette. That guy doesn't give a fuck. Yeah. He's not even...

You know, he's feeding his own monster. Feeding his own monster with his cigarette. It's funny when you see actors smoke cigarettes. It is weird. Because you never see him in movies do it, but it's only when they're off. I see a lot monster with a cigarette. It's funny when you see actors smoke cigarettes. It is weird. Because you've never seen movies do it, but it's only when they're off. I see a lot of them on set. Yeah. You see them stamp out, and I'm trying to quit, and they're always trying to quit.

Puffing a little cigarette. They just go until you're ready to quit, and then quit. One or the other. Yeah. The best is when you're on a set and everybody's high. When you get on one of those sets where everybody's high, all the writers are high, the actors are getting high, director's high. That's great.

Those are the real movies. We did, me and Ren Azizi did those Tiger Woods commercials. And so then he left and we had to keep talking trash to ourselves as we played the video game. Right. And they were like, want some beers? Like, okay. And they just started giving us beers, the production company.

And they're like, keep talking trash, whatever. And they're like, you want to smoke some pot? And we're like, you better not. We're not going to get any work done if you do that. But this is very cool of you guys. That's awesome. Yeah, if you're with a good group of people, man, they want to have fun. That's the way to have fun.

You know, I mean, think about how we do the podcast. You know, we get high before every single one of them. We're always doing the ice house is drunk. Yeah. I brought a bottle of wine last time. Did you really? Just like, I'm going to drink this. You're classy.

Yeah. I brought a bottle of wine. We. Did you really? Just like, I'm going to drink this. You're classy. I brought a bottle of wine. We were drinking wine out of plastic cups. Why not? It's fucking great, man. You know? It was decent wine. At Cavaretta's.

Cavaretta's Deli in Canoga Park. That place, that Italian place. Holy shit, is that place good. Really? Yeah, I picked up a bottle of wine and some sandwiches. Boom! That's nice. It's the only place here on the West Coast where you can get real East Coast Italian food. Cavarettas?

Cavarettas, yeah. It's in Canoga Park. It's fucking... Sandwiches are amazing. What's Canoga Park? They have a sausage and pepper sub that I cannot not get. I have to get it every time. I always say, well, I'm going to experiment this time.

Nope. I got to get the sausage and pepper because it's so ridiculous. It's just so good. To eat a whole one, you have to get it every time i always say well i'm gonna experiment this time nope i gotta get this sausage and pepper because it's so ridiculous to eat a whole one you have to be some kind of massive it's ridiculous it's preposterous you have to be some crazed glutton to eat a whole one i have eaten a whole one that's what i thought yeah i'm sure you have you're an animal when we took joey really yeah i've seen you at greasy tony's or whatever those places were where you got the garbage pail yeah Yeah. Whatever it was. And I was like, got the small. It was way too much for me. And you're just killing yours.

I'm like, fries, please. What? That sub was dangerous. That was like- Greasy Tony's? Yeah, Greasy. That was like liquid death. Greasy Tony died of heart failure at 52.

I know. Why did I only have like seven of those? I think he was in his 60s. I think he was in his 60s. I think he was in his 60s. He might have actually even been 70. He actually looked good for his age. He looked a lot younger than he was. But yeah, he did die of heart failure.

What if he was like 24? When a guy named Greasy Tony dies of heart failure. But I tell you what, man, I always loved being around that guy. We got pictures for years. Yeah, he was so nice. This was in Tempe, Tempe arizona right across the street from the improv there was this 24-hour uh italian joint run by this guy from jersey and he was a great old character yeah we would just hang out there after the shows it was just he was

so like cool to be around like just to get to hang out with a real character like that guy you know like you look in the walls it was all like his pictures when he was young, like his sons are all flexing. There's a picture of the godfather, a picture of the sign by Sylvester Stallone.

What? Where are you? It's so classic, old East Coast Italian. It's like to me. And you realize like, yeah. And he was so friendly.

He was like such a nice guy that like you would go there, it was like, you know, like going over your friend's living room or something. It just happened to be

in his pizza rack. Hey, look at that comes up on the behind the counter he's hugging you and shit crazy tony was awesome what a great guy and the food was fucking perfect yeah when you're hammered and you're coming off of uh two shows at the 10 p.m prop it's a really good yeah let's go eat and you have one of those subs those fucking steak subs that he had the thing called the garbage pail that you were talking about, what does it weigh? Four pounds?

Five pounds? I don't know. It was ridiculous. And it was just dripped grease. It was like, no bullshit. It was close to two feet long. Let me soak this in oil before you eat it too.

It was... I'm not bullshitting. It was at least 18 inches long. They were fucking huge. They would cut them in half and each one of them, each half would look like a big sub. Yeah.

They're like, this is too much. This half is too much for me. And I would eat the fuck out of that shit. God. It was like the leg of Esther. That's pretty much what it was like. Whenever we order food at a restaurant, you go first, and then the waitress is like, all right, thank you.

And she starts to leave. You're like, no, no, no, no. That's just for me. You're what my friends want. After shows, man. She's like, what? I get famished. I get famished after shows.

You think about the energy that you put out when you're on stage, just focusing and managing everything. It's a lot of mental energy, physical energy, moving around. It's a lot of energy. It's a big burn. There's a lot going on. You have to be in shape to do stand-up, to do it right. You could do it if you were out of shape,

but I guarantee you, you'd be better if you were in shape yeah i mean a guy like ralphie look how much better what ralphie may be if you weighed 180 pounds yeah jesus christ yeah i mean his timing the way his brain would work the way his body would move you know it's amazing when i see a guy like ralphie he could definitely be a lot more physical think about how many goddamn shows he does how much energy that is. That's incredible what Ralphie does. He said he dropped two pant sizes.

That's great. I'm good, pal. Well, he had some serious health issues, right? Yeah. He stopped smoking weed. He said his doctor told him to stop smoking it.

I don't know if he stopped eating it. No, he stopped eating it too. Really? Yeah. He said that the stuff in there... Say goodbye to all

that funny shit. He doesn't mind if you smoke around him. But yeah, his immune system's all shot to hell. Wow, that's crazy. Yeah, man, he was, obviously, you cannot get that big. Ralphie's, if you don't know Ralphie May, he's probably about 500 pounds at least, right? He's the sweetest guy in the world.

He's so sweet. I'm so worried about him. Does he sound the same? We all worry about him. Well, as loses weight he'll definitely his voice will change for sure he's gonna start having like a british accent he'll sound royal so are you still smoking the weed joe yeah he um yeah i don't know what makes someone get that big i i would be out of my out of school to to talk about it i don't know if it's biological it's it seems to me that it's a very recent phenomenon in human history to get that big

yeah i don't think people got that big a couple hundred years ago big j is losing weight now he he got patrice doubt who's big j big j orkerson he's just really funny new york comic oh okay massive yeah oh he's losing weight yeah afterrice died, it's the same thing. It's like, wake up calls, everybody. Yeah, you know, it's very important. It's very important to take care of your fucking body. We're all going to go, man, but you don't need to go early. You don't need to go because that's going to be a terrible feeling

to go because you treated your vehicle like shit. That's not what you should do. I did this benefit in D in dc for this comic who didn't have who had a stroke um but didn't have insurance and every third comic was like yeah this will be for me in six months but it's like it will be you guys are all getting fatter stop you know this really brings up a really interesting point um because um the ability when someone is fucked when they're they're done when you're paralyzed from the neck down yeah you can't move the ability to terminate their own life and to decide like you know some of them can like they can blink and move a cursor and stuff and

they can like write things like i want to die please kill me yeah there was a woman who wrote this article and this woman's name is allison pearson she wrote this article about uh do any of us however ill have the right to die and this was her argument her argument was that you don't have it it is one of the dumbest fucking most simpleton mouth diarrhea takes on the subject I've ever read. It's not thoughtful. Oh, really? It's silly. Of course you have the right to die. It's your own.

Rights are given to us by others in order for us to live together. But it's like you can do whatever you want to yourself. Yeah. The right? What do you mean? It's completely preposterous. I mean, it's one of the dumbest arguments that anyone can ever make. It's just a really poorly.

So what'd she say? What was she saying? Well, she said that. I didn't even want to read because it's horrible. But the point is she contradicted herself because she had actually

written another one, another article a couple years back where she was praising a woman for killing her daughter because her daughter had a fatal disease

and she was just slowly suffering. So she was right to kill others but not ourselves it's it was it's preposterous she also wrote a really dumb article who hired her she she writes for some english newspaper i think she's just ragging she's well maybe 24 7 she writes for the any chance you meant that as a double play on the word rag she writes for the telegraph so

here's my point so um the other day i look on my website and there's a thread says uh women versus doug stanhope yeah so i go oh what the fuck did doug do this would be great by the way doug's latest cd is fucking fantastic really haven't heard it it's great just got it he made me like you know you know what's great when you you know you hear a guy and and I've got to be honest, his last one that he did in Norway, the Oslo one, it wasn't my favorite. It wasn't my favorite out of his stuff, and I love Doug. He's fucking awesome. But this one, man, it's almost like he rebounded from that one

just with renewed vigor and hate and just fucking attacked. It's great. It's so good. There's some really fucking hard laughs in it. Yeah, it's great. It's one of my favorite stand-up comedy CDs in years. I think it's my favorite of Doug's. I think he just, whatever the fuck he did,

whether, you know, he even talks about it. He turned a corner as a person where he doesn't give a fuck anymore. He's just trying to have fun. He's not trying to change the world. He thought he was going to try to change the world at one point. Yeah, now he finally realizes he's just one dude. Yeah, he's just here to tell dick jokes.

And it's fucking great. It's great. And so I tweeted about it. And it's hard to follow everything the fuck that's going on on Twitter. So I didn't see this women versus Doug Stan stanhope thing so i go to stanhope stanhope read what this woman had wrote and uh let me find the uh exact uh quote because it was pretty inflammatory something about uh he um i think he he said that he hopes she gets a cyst. Did he write this?

Yeah. I mean, he's just really angry at this article. And that's what Stan Hope does. He gets fired up. And he wants to figure out some way to turn this rage into comedy. So what is his exact quote? Oh, shit. I can't find it he i think he at he said that he wished a uh assist on her ovaries or something like that see what you would do yeah i can't even find he might have actually taken well he might have actually taken the first quote down really yeah well i caught a lot of flack for it? I don't know.

That doesn't seem like him. So what was the thing? Women against Doug Stanhope? Yeah. I can't find it. Was there backlash? Well, this is what's crazy. So Doug Stanhope calls her a cunt,

and he said that she was fucking ridiculous, and there's a shit article, and it's about something that is very near and dear to Doug because that's what his mom had to do his mom had to take her own life oh really so yeah so for some mom did that from the man show yes so for some some smug asshole to yeah to come and you know and just pass judgment like this and and do it with such poor thinking. It's really poorly written. It reeks of a mediocre mind.

It reeks of someone who is just, they're not capable of grasping how a lot of other people are going to see this. They don't have enough perspective to tackle this complex issue. And it's insulting. It's insultingly dumb. And so Stanhope, you know, shit all over this lady. dumb and so stanhope you know shit all over this lady so her response was to create this women against doug stanhope page on fear on facebook and yeah women is so it's also on twitter women versus stanhope on twitter and women versus stanhope on facebook exactly exactly no because because he asked for assist oh because he said called her a cunt and

she said he hopes she gets assist can we anyone join i think he said a fetid ovarian cyst yes well that's the problem this is what i was going to say the problem is the only people that join women versus stanhope both on twitter me and on facebook me you're the only one to join no it's me and all the fucking stanhope fans from the rogan board and all the people who heard about this so they all joined nobody's gonna fucking women versus stamp bitch get the fuck out of here there's a few crazy hookers that are looking to get mad at any guy who says anything bad to any woman just hear a quote women against somebody she's always sure i'll sign up of course i i read one for this one lady's uh take on it you know misogynist like stanhope like what are you

fucking talking about dummy this is a you know yeah he made a personal attack on her but that's not the important part the important part is this nonsensical argument by a fucking dullard saying that really terminally ill people who are in horrible straits shouldn't be able to stop their time on this life yeah it's somehow or another what is there some grand plan that has to pay out is there some pill that you know about that we don't is there some new leaf that we're going to find the amazon that restores this 80 year old guy who's paralyzed with a neck down jesus fucking christ bitch you don't know what you're talking about. You're talking nonsense. You shouldn't be allowed to be in a position

where you have an opinion that can be expressed and then can influence people. Yeah, who's hiring her? You're too fucking stupid for that. What is she? What does she work for? Yeah. She works for this fucking newspaper, man.

This is why I try not to say bitch when I'm in an argument with a woman because I'm like, I don't want this to be about female or male at all. I just want you to know that you're stupid. i try not to use gender specific words yeah this is a it's just you don't you don't have to gender specific with this lady i haven't i don't think i have but unless i called her a bitch but the way i say that i call that i'm saying that's what happens when doug uses it's not his fault but that's what they latch on to yeah i use where it's like

with my best friends i was like bitch you crazy i mean i'm not saying she's a bitch as a woman yeah but that's what they that's what they latch on to and you're like why that's not what we're even talking about well because they want to be able to say you hate women of course i do the worst well the women i don't hate them but as a whole i just definitely look down on them you definitely look down on them yeah well you know what it is i can't help it i look down on men too there's a lot of men out there that are bitches i i run into a lot of very unfortunate men out there in this world yeah and if i was a woman i would be sad if i was a woman and i wanted to have a real man good luck good luck finding one of those fucking things yeah there's like a specific type of female

drunk that i hate but there's also a specific type of male drunk that i hate yeah i don't dude i would way rather be a guy than be i think there's way more women that are cool than there are men that are cool there's too many douchebags out there that have some weird chip on their shoulder you know there's some weird need to prove themselves and this there's just too many aggressively cunty men you know i think there's a lot of cunty women but i think there's way more cunty men there's just fucking people there's a lot of cunty women, but I think there's way more cunty men. There's just fucking people. There's a lot of guys that are just going like this, just beating their chest and trying to like,

and like, why? Why? Why are you fighting? What are you doing? Who wants this? They never train. If they just trained, they would never do that. You know, you go with a bunch of guys who are like,

jujitsu guys go out there, like the nicest, most polite people ever, you know? It can be easier. Yeah. It's way easier. Stupid stuff. You know, I realize, you know, sometimes i used to do this thing i don't do it anymore where it's like you're the yellow light you try to like pause far enough so the car behind you misses the light and you get to go through it but i'm like the amount of energy it takes to do that would be equal to the amount of energy to speed up and get the guy in behind you the game works either

way you're trying to accomplish something that's a total cunt move it's like you can be nice and still have the fun of the of the game yeah yeah i think it's i think people just get locked into a wave it's absolutely people get locked into a way thing and you can also get locked into frustration some of the most aggressive people i've met were the most unsuccessful the the most frustrated they're the reason why they were just like constantly involved in conflict is because they were dealing with a lot of internal conflict and no confirmation of of of anything good no confirmation of goodness and from you know their life you know there's no confirmation of them being worth something they were always getting dumped in relationships or you know in the middle of fighting with their you know boss they just shit on everything yeah there was always conflict and when you're in that situation that that

constant state of that's your norm of unease yeah it comes to like your your baseline yeah it's fucking it's the worst it's the worst to be around yeah it's the worst to be around but the reality is you and i have it far easier than the average person there was a threat on the underground if i think the average person isn't like that i think that's a lot of people but like the average person's cool you're absolutely right but i'm saying the average person is under a lot more stress yeah it doesn't it seems like stand-up comics would be under a lot of stress and we sort of are but it's kind of a different stress yeah there was a threat on the underground talking about uh sunday night and the guy's like man fucking sunday night just some dude just reached out. He goes, Sunday nights are depressing.

Do you guys find Sunday depressing? And fucking everybody's like, yes, I hate Sunday night. I hate going back to work. It makes me sick. And I'm sitting here. I'm just relaxing. I'm dreading. I'm dreading that I've got to go to work in the morning.

And I'm like, wow. That's when you really realize how stupid lucky we are. Just stupid lucky to be stand-up comedian. I've been stupid lucky across the board. I mean, even Fear Factor. I never woke up and was really mad that I had to go and make retarded amounts of money to do that. It wasn't my favorite thing to do, but I was never mad at it. But to do stand-up or anything like that or work for the UFC, it doesn't even feel like a job.

It's something you're actually looking forward to. You know what I try to do sometimes i'm like tired and i don't want to go to some awesome gig or get on the plane to go some great place i'm like i have it worse than ethiopia just like put it out how ridiculous it is like a relax dude you can complain but keep it keep it say it out loud you should put that on your wall i have it worse than ethiopia it'll like force you to just not be a bitch this this ice cream is melty. I have it worse than Ethiopia. Yeah, there's some... It's like, let me complain, but obviously I'm fine. It's super easy to get into a shit mindset.

The bottom line is that life is a struggle. It's a constant struggle. And doing anything is a struggle. We were talking about writing new material. We're both doing that right now. You go up and sometimes it just eats dick it's not working yeah sometimes you don't know where you're going with something because it's a new bit and you're trying you try to say it one way and now you try it another way but then it sort of diffuses the second part of it

and then you got to listen to it go over it or maybe rewrite it it's a weird process sometimes you're like okay this section just needs work and then the. Sometimes you're like, okay, this section just needs work. And then the next time, you're like, it still needs work. And the next time, you're like, damn it, nothing's coming. And then sometimes bits just show up done. Oh, yeah. You know? Sometimes you get an idea,

and I have gotten an idea on the way to a show, and then got to the show, and then boom, the bit was done. Yeah. And it kills like an old bit. Yeah. You know, one of my bits from my... The Facebook thing,

the first time you said it yeah which facebook thing wait a minute i don't i'm not trying i don't want to ruin one of your jokes you're special if if uh this is the premise if they had facebook in like the 1800s oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah um that came out like immediately like yeah that was that night it was a big theater i forget where yeah yeah sometimes and it was like yeah that's really funny that's a tag though that was sort of easy because it was a the big premise had already been set oh right you're saying the whole thing yeah but um it's it's weird man the the process is so weird the process of creating new stuff but it's so exciting too it just gets you like real stimulated like that's my favorite

time yeah because it's the most unsteady time you're going out there with all these like fucking weak ass weapons yeah it's like you're playing um it's like you become a bad motherfucker at starcraft or it's your first time getting to mike tyson and punch out and you're like what the fuck yeah he just knocks you out in two shots you quit and then you start all over again with a new account. Yeah, that's a better example. And you're like, what? Yeah, you're a noob with shit jokes. We played, that thing me and Renazisi did. We got to play Tiger Woods golf with Tiger Woods.

Right, right. And he drove it off the tee once and he went into this creek. He's like, I couldn't clear the creek. It was like 140 yards. I was like, yeah, welcome to regular people golf, Tiger. Yeah, I'm just mumbling. I was like, that's how regular people do it. You powered through that one, though.

I tried, and then I got stuck in a rut right there in a skip. Worst feeling when you're on stage in the middle of a fucking perfect joke. And you're like, come on, body, stop it. Your body just hiccups on a word. Oh, God. Damn, I'm ruining this whole moment. I almost did that this week and i paused myself and it actually made the joke better oh really i almost fucked up i had an almost fuck up where

where was i i felt it come out twisted like why is my tongue this shape i paused an extra second then i paused an extra section after the word after i got it correct yeah and it was like a better pause yeah sometimes you chance by stuff an accident right yeah oh like i realized i was like oh yeah that gives you more time this i am saying something kind of crazy right there maybe it's better to contemplate it for a moment before you hear the second step sometimes you know stand-up is it's just technical yeah and you're doing in front of different people all you know you got an that's the only art form that i know of where you literally need them to practice it in front of otherwise i need i don't know i know some of the stuff is that's funny you know when i write it i know some of the stuff that's gonna kill yeah but some of the stuff

every now and then there's some shit that you didn't even think was funny yeah you thought it was like a throwaway and it's laughing at washes yeah it could be like the biggest throwaway to you and it just and that's like the biggest laugh of the joke i find a lot of times that i'll do certain jokes that i really enjoy that may or may not get as big a laugh but i'll do the jokes that get a humongous laugh that i'm like yeah i like it but it's not my favorite but you guys seem to like it yeah so i'll keep that in there so you listen to these ones that i want to say yeah yeah yeah it's like a tool yeah there's no substitute for fucking doing it on stage in front of people there's no way around it so i used to hear about bill cosby that bill cosby would just write his whole routine yeah and then just like go on the for fucking doing it on stage in front of people. There's no way around it. That's why I used to hear about Bill Cosby,

that Bill Cosby would just write his whole routine and then just go on The Tonight Show. And just do it. Yeah, he just did it. He would say he just knows what funny is. Certain people, I guess, go differently. I would like to see that dude. If he's in town, you want to see him with me?

Yeah, I totally would. I bet he comes to town like once a year. My first time in Montreal, I had to leave the day before he was there and I was really upset. Yeah, I'd like to see him do stand-up. Yeah, I would definitely see Bill Cosby.

Because it's hard when you hear a lot of the veteran comics talk about him because he's reached this deity status. You can't say anything wrong. They're not honest.

Because I remember the one time, obviously George Carlin is one of the all-time greats. There's no doubt about it. He's one of the greatest comedians that's ever lived. But there was a time

where he was coming to the comedy store and he was working on some new stuff and it was not good his last or second or maybe third to last special but yeah it was like it wasn't good there's one good bit in there the hour and we all kind of sat around and no one and no one want to say anything no yeah and you know and maybe you and i got together and we were like yes it wasn't in private it wasn't good yeah but meanwhile he's fucking one of the greatest

of all time. Yeah, you have to say, I'm not taking anything away from his overall achievements. Yeah, no. It was that moment. And really, the reason was,

there's a reason for it, it wasn't that he wasn't a good comic anymore, it's that he had an incredible workload and he did the Louis C.K. thing where he's, he was the originator of it.

He would come up with a completely new act every year. He would do like a dozen or two dozen specials, right? It's incredible. Yeah. And he was in his 60s, right?

And he was, or it was like, It was all in his 60s. Yeah. Maybe even older. Yeah, and he's writing a whole new special and performing it every year. He gave me 20 bucks.

I went to the deli for him. Really? They sent me to the deli for him and he gave me 20 bucks. I was like, oh, it's on the house. He goes, yeah, I know. But yeah, it's for you. And I was like,

thank you so much. Yeah, you got 20 bucks from George Carlin. You should have framed that shit. Yeah, I know. I think I needed to eat. I mean, that's so courageous too that he would do that.

That he would go out there. Tip a Jew 20 bucks? No. Try out all the new shit and bomb. When he could just pull out hours of classics and just crush.

He said that before we used to work out. He would be like, I'm not doing the old stuff. Don't ask for it. I'm not gonna do it yeah here we go yeah that's how he had to do it it's amazing it's amazing really it's hard to put yourself in that position but if you do it enough practice enough probably just the same thing is working out you get no place with like happier that you didn't just rely on the old material yeah and you actually just went through new stuff yeah but it's also gaffigan and i talked about this and one of the things that he said was that you got to have both he goes i he goes i'm

it's really important to me to be really good to have a good show these people are paying a lot of money i can't just work out in front of them and i was like you're right i feel the same way like i want to i sandwich new jokes in between well that's already known yeah killers that's why i love workout sets. At the store or New York or anywhere. It's just like, this is just a fucking Tuesday night. No one's here to see anybody specific. I feel like that you gotta

get the audience's respect before you start doing new shit. Here's what I'll do. I know what you mean. You want to do an opener that's going to hit them right away? An opener that works for sure. I'll do I know what you mean it's like you want to do an opener that's going to hit up right away opener that works for sure I'll find a new one

I'll find a new one for this year by not having one that'll make me find a new one that's a good way to look at it yeah by not having a closer that'll force me to get a closer but if I do my

whatever ending and then like let me hit you with some great bit I know works then I don't leave with that feeling of like I need something better there do you get bummed out if people send you like shitty messages about your show on Twitter?

No. They thought you sucked. Because rarely is it super bad. I'm trying my best with whatever that new material is. And then it gets better and better so that more and more of it goes well. Maybe then eventually all you need is just that closer. But the first 10 is great. And then it becomes like so-so.

Yeah, we got to do some things, man. Let's go to Alaska or something like that. We got to do some shit. I told your manager. I already told him. I said, he's going to forget again. So just look into it. I'm telling you, just look into it.

The longest day of the year, Shroomfrest is July 21st to the 23rd. Oh. Can you get shrooms in Alaska? Fuck, of course you can, right? That's the way he says that. Of course you can. There's no way that can't be true. This is a guy who got almost arrested at the Mall of America.

You, what you mean to say is this is a guy who got let off by the cops of Mall of America. That's one way of putting it. Yeah. That's one way of putting it. But you did get, I don't, I can't remember the last time the cops came at Mall of America to talk to me. Yeah. I'm walking the line better. Down, down, down, down.

Did you ride the roller coaster at the Mall of America? No, I didn't. It looks janky and old. Everything's from like 20 years ago. It's inside? Yeah. The inside roller coaster? They have a water ride, too.

Jesus. How big is the Mall of America? It's the biggest mall. No. Edmonton Mall in biggest mall Edmonton Mall in America Edmonton Mall's bigger in Canada

wow yeah that's the biggest mall in the world I think so how do the Abu Dhabi how does like Dubai how do they tolerate

the fact that we have the biggest mall they must be going crazy is there really people driving around with lions in their cars in Dubai lions

have you seen those have you seen those photos of just like Mercedes driving by with a big lion arm hanging out of the sun? No, I haven't seen it. There's a new show called The Shaz of Sunset.

It's all Iranians. It's all the Persians that are here? Yeah. Okay. Can I just say this? You can disagree with me if you want. I don't care. You can put this on the record.

They're the worst of the whites. Whoa. Persians and Armenians. You are the Jewish Jew of all time. The way you said it. They're the worst of the whites. Whoa. Persians and Armenians. You are the jewiest Jew of all time. The way you said it. The worst. The worst of the whites. Of all the whites.

By far. The way you said that, though. You so, like, made a Jew-y face. You just got into it. I'm becoming an old man. Yes. Yes. I'm becoming an old man set in his ways.

I worry about that, man. I say something. Like, someone will say something. I'm like, what? What are you saying? I'm like, oh, my God. I'm an old guinea. Yeah. Listen to me. I'm some say something I'm like what what are you saying I'm like oh my god I'm an old guinea listen to me

I'm some fucking I'm some old guinea tell me what I was supposed to become nothing will happen they're the worst they're the worst of the whites I'll tell you they're the worst of the whites

they were fine they were having a good time I mean they seemed like they were enthusiastic people oh the shots you gotta think about yeah the show they're driving their were enthusiastic people. Oh, the shots? You got to think about, yeah, the show. They're driving their dad's daddy lacks. Listen, the fucking people.

Working some store that was handed down to them. Listen, I am all for anybody coming from somewhere that sucks like Iran and coming to America. And guess what? They're going to have some fucking growing pains. They're going to have to. It's not okay. It's a completely suppressed culture. It's the ones that act overly that they're most people are fine balling for the first time ever in like you know

six generations you know i mean think about that they've come to america over the last i mean look the the whole hostage crisis shit happened in the carter administration and then they stopped calling themselves iranians because i had an iranian girlfriend when i was she was iranian she was iranian and then they changed the person and they changed it to persian why because they got a bad rap fucking nobody wanted to have anything to do with iran man because i had an iranian girlfriend when i was she was iranian she was iranian and then they changed the person they changed it to persian why because it got a bad rap fucking nobody wanted to have anything to do with iran man you don't you don't know what it was like at that point like when i was when she was my girlfriend this is like my first girlfriend ever i was like 11 years old and she's this girl across the street and her fucking mother the mother was iranian she was half iranian and half american and the the mother tried to stab the father with

a knife while i was there the cops got there it was it's really crazy it was a crazy little situation she was a really nice girl but like they were in like deep turmoil like her her family was in deep really trying to get out no no i mean like the mother tried to kill the fucking father with a knife what yeah yeah they got arrested while we were there it was really crazy but um the um my point was like i got to see like you know what it's like in their eyes to have escaped iran you know and iran was you know it's it's it's it's a fucking dictatorship i don't give a shit what anybody says all those votings and that's nonsense over there there's a reason why everybody erupted and and went fucking crazy after the last election there's no real democracy going on and yeah that's great nothing anytime soon but no no there's none

but it's a scary place excuse your behavior when you come into a comedy club late at night and said i'll buy this place yeah you know what it is man they're just like the guineas of the fucking 1930s it's the same thing it's like those the guineas of the fucking 1930s. It's the same thing. Those are the second worst of the whites. Listen, that's my people. I'm a Jersey guinea. I was born in Newark, New Jersey, man. You know, that's the whole environment.

They're escaping something that sucks bad. Yeah. You know, and so it takes them a while to assimilate to the greatest culture the world has ever known. Hello. Welcome to California. Hey. Welcome to California. Hey!

Welcome to California, bitch! There's one time these five-person guys came into the store late at night. I was sitting in the back row there, and Renazisi's working the cover booth. He was smoking a cigarette in the back row. It was like 1.30 in the morning. Jim Painter, the door guy, was on stage.

And these guys come in smoking a cigarette, and we're like, hey, guys, you can't... Or Steve said, guys, it's a $20 cover. And they're like, oh, okay. And they sat there for a minute, and he said, guys, it's a $20 cover. And they're like, oh, OK. And they sat there for a minute. He goes, guys, it's a $20 cover. And you can't smoke in here. You got to go out.

And they kind of gave this look of like, all right. And they walked towards the steps, waited there for like two minutes. And I just go, get the fuck out, you filthy Persians. Oh. And they just started rushing at me. Steve is holding back their kicks. They were trying to spit at me and kick. I'm trying to be cool and just sit there. And their kicks were just missing me. Steve was holding back their kicks. They were trying to spit at me and kick. I'm trying to be cool and just sit there, and their kicks were just missing me.

Oh, my God. Yeah. I was so mad at them. I was like, get the fuck. You're so rich. You've done nothing. You're all 19. Get the fuck out of here.

So where are they getting their money from? Dad. What does dad do? Worked hard because he overcame that shit you were talking about. All they did was inherit them. He worked hard because he overcame that shit you were talking about. All they did was inherit them. There's a big problem with really rich kids.

A lot of parents of rich kids are not taking care of those kids very well. Don't let your children wear black on black. They're working a lot. Don't let them wear black on black. Yeah, it's like you're a douche. Stop. Look at your sweater. Oh, yeah. No, this is cool.

How dare you? You have the gay flag. You have the sweater. Are you sitting on some picture pages how could you possibly say how should possibly tell them what they're the worst they're the worst what colors to wear though what it's awful they can't wear black on black no with three buttons undone what if they're really nice people and they wear black on black they would never act like that they would never my day it's you you waited for your wife to yell at you in the back on ari keep it down you should i my dad would never tolerate this neighbors can hear you're going off

of your offensive ari oh my god dude you're so hilarious it comes out of me i just visited my parents maybe that's why maybe if you were a persian you could get away with saying that no why that's that's just right now you're gonna have some persians mad at you they're gonna come to your show and be less persiany that's all i ask it's only the ones you know what i'm talking about i do because uh because again in your defense i'm a guinea i'm mostly italian and i don't like most italians there's a lot of them like oh you're italian oh you're persian no don't you're fine. There's a lot of them I like. Oh, you're Italian? Oh, you're Persian? No, you're fine. Yeah, there's a lot of them I like, but there's just this giant club. I wouldn't even say it's most

I don't like. I would say it's 30% I don't like. Yeah, it's like the militant Palestinians. It's just 30% douchebags. Yeah, they ruin it for everyone. That's all you think of. Exactly. And all these goddamn mob movies have just pumped those fuckheads up. Those really dumb fuckheads. Entitles them. Do you know who I am?

I'll come back there. I know people. Kill yourself. I know people. Oh. Yeah, what? That's horrible. We stop it. Give me another line.

Let's do this. Yeah. I wonder how much, you know, they say that the big mob in this country is the Soviet mob and that they know

how to keep their mouth shut and they're very sophisticated. Yeah, they call attention to their criminal mouth shut and yeah they don't walk around with fucking giant diamond rings on and they're like very sophisticated in their their forms of organized crime yeah they're the most dangerous because they're like the computer dudes oh yeah yeah and they're ruthless like you know it's that's a that's a cold world man you know they those people went through a lot of shit that we can't even begin to fathom. Those are those guys that are like, get my pinky off.

I won't even blink. Yeah. Ouch. When we were in Japan, I didn't see any pinkies cut off. Did you? No, and everyone wore black. A lot of wearing black.

Yeah. Would you yell at the Japanese? No black on black? Wait, black on black? They're wearing black pants and a black shirt? Everybody fucking wore black in Japan. No, no. I swear to God.

Black pants on a black shirt. That's what I wear when I go to the UFC. What is wrong with that? First of all, if you wore it out, yeah, it's a little douchey. Really? If you wore it out? You know, my friend Bud, that's all he wears. Black on black?

His whole fucking wardrobe is black clothes. Like a black button down? He has black jeans, bro. Black t-shirts. It's okay for a black t-shirt and black jeans. I'm telling you, black sneakers. This motherfucker has black everything. He has a black car. His whole thing is that this motherfucker has black everything is a black car

he's his his whole thing is that he only wears black okay i want you to tell bud something if he does that because i know what he's going for this is all right if he splashes a little bit of color in there it'll really pop maybe some colorful shoes or uh some socks all right you would never get your car murdered get my car car murdered? Yeah. What do you mean? Like all blacked out? That's murdered is the matte black. Matte, oh yeah. That cool color. I like that, man.

Russell has that. He has matte gray. Really? Yeah. That's badass. I like that. I would like that. Maybe I should do my car on my GT3.

Yeah. Get it matte black. Fuck that. Paint your house that way. Oh, like. Yeah. Like Marilyn Maris' house. Damn, are you rolling dirty over there what are

you talking about what's that mean oh that's what they would say about your house yeah and you'd be like yeah we're rolling dirty over there what do you think you think we're not rolling dirty it's weird though like not shiny is like in now yeah people got tired of shiny shiny's gross that's why i don't watch my car. Really? No. I like shiny. I like shiny. You know what? There's certain cars that look like

spaceships to me when they're shiny. I mean, I saw a Ferrari yesterday. It was one of these new 458 Italias.

They look like something from Battlestar Galactica. It's got these crazy lights down the side. It's like $300,000. That's about

the right amount to spend on a car. It's a house. It's transportation side. It's like $300,000. That's about right amount to spend on a car. It's a house. It's transportation. But it's not, dude. It's not. It is not. It's a goddamn ride everywhere you go. It's a wild screaming ride that makes the most marvelous noise.

Those Italians, they have this fucking giant engine. It's mid-engine. That's the good part of Italians. And it's like, yeah, but I'm sure it breaks down like crazy. My people are not to be trusted with meticulous details of things. They're not good at that. They're good at the passion. They're good at the crazy thing and impulsive stuff.

But it has this noise. This guy drove by me. He's like, wah, wah. It's like this wild animal noise, man. It's just such a beautiful, passionate noise. But $300,000. And it looks like a spaceship. The cars they're coming out with today,

they're slowly starting to look like what we thought cars would look like in the future. For a while, they'd be like Ford Festiva. What the fuck is this? This is not space. This is not interesting. This is just some shitty- looking box that you've created you know the older older cars and older uh toyotas and sheds they're bad those mustangs for a while a lot of terrible shapes man but now they're finally figuring out a way to like make cars look everything except

except uh hybrids yeah they still look like shit. Yeah. Except those Fiskars. Have you seen the Fiskars? No. Let me see. Fiskars, I believe it's a Dutch company, and they've created the first, I think they're electric. Fully? I think one of them may be a hybrid, and one of them is fully electric, but they're really

cool shapes. They're really wild looking. They have a sports car version of it, and they have a big, badass sedan version. It looks almost like a maserati i'm just waiting till they get it to about 300 or 400 miles per hour miles range once i get that yeah they're not quite there yet but the real issue with them is uh with these electric cars is conflict minerals the real issue is there's only a limited amount well lithium ion is what you need to make those batteries and there's not a lot of that shit around and you got to get it it from places where people work for slavery.

Oh, really? Yeah, most of it's coming from the Congo. Isn't that what's in batteries, in regular batteries? Lithium ion, yeah, and laptops, everything. Conflict minerals are one of the biggest crises. Conflict minerals, they're rechargeable? No, the idea is they come from Afghanistan, they come from the Congo. Oh, from conflict places.

Yeah, exactly. Like blood diamonds. Yeah, what people don't realize, afghanistan they come from oh conflict places yeah exactly like blood diamonds yeah well what people don't realize you know when you think about like you think about a laptop there's a chain of things that has to happen and be put in place in order to create this laptop and at the very end of the chain this is going to be crazy it's going to be hard for you to wrap your head around but the very end of the chain the very end is a kid in africa sticking a metal rod into the ground and chipping away rocks like literally they're mining really like that's

what they're doing yeah they're the little kids that's lithium ion that's some it's coltrane for cell phones oh that's so sad to think about and we all just say we'll put up with that well no people are trying to uh do things about that but first of all to go into the congo is very fucking dangerous nobody wants to do that and you know you want to go into afghanistan jesus christ that's fucking dangerous too so it's like you only have so many different ways of dealing with the situation and obviously someone's in control over these minerals i don't know what companies i don't know what companies they are specifically but i know those companies must be making an ungodly amount of money i mean they're sitting there's they they estimated that there's more than one trillion dollars in unfound minerals

in uh afghanistan they've discovered yeah over a trillion in the mountains so they've known about this so it's gonna like chip away at the mountains i don't know it's well you know once they start extracting it then it becomes a big issue of like who's getting this money who's in control of this situation who's in control of this this piece of land and it's it's a it's a huge well not really no i mean it's a huge factor and you know the the reason why we're over there in our in afghanistan in the first place economically that place is worth if the future is in technology and we're we're pretty sure it is yeah it's not like technology is gonna stop it's not like we're gonna stop evolving it and we're gonna need minerals we're gonna need these conflict minerals consider that

yeah it's a big issue what do you think of that guy who shot up those people in afghanistan well that guy i read a whole story about him if you don't know who he is he killed uh i think it was 14 people maybe 16 nine nine nine children went into their homes yeah went into their homes just guns a u.s soldier he was a soldier and he was a soldier that quit his job in 2001 and signed up for the army after september 11th really and they've still kept him in didn't he not want to go on this last tour? Exactly. Did it for all the right reasons. Did it because he wanted to protect his country and defend his country.

And thought, this is my time to step up and contribute to America. And by all accounts, for the longest time, was the greatest guy, was the life of the party. But he started after his first couple tours. He went to Iraq. He'd been shot in iraq um and then uh he did not want to go to afghanistan he thought he was going to get a promotion and he started he thought he was going to get a better job back home be able to come back home and he was denied that and he was yeah he knew that's his family or whatever his family's

back home he has two kids and his um his apparently, they had to put it up for sale. And the people that went to look at his house was in complete disarray. He was becoming an alcoholic. Oh, really? Yeah. But look, Samantha, the fucking pressure of what these guys go through. To ask anyone to do it ever is crazy. To ask anyone to repeatedly do it over and over again when they don't want to do it anymore is nuts.

I mean, this guy was, up until a certain point in time, a hero. And then he became a monster. Yeah, the weird thing is people are sort of like seeing this. Like, what are we doing to these guys? And it almost seems as if we're like apologizing for his behavior. And it's like, no, what he did was completely wrong and horrible. But let's also examine what puts a guy in this position. Just for like a little bit.

You're totally right. It's so complex. You murder kids. Like, you're fucking whatever totally right it's so complex i don't murder kids like you're fucking whatever you're a piece of shit you should die and he became a piece of shit and he should die but but how did he become yeah we did that we trained at a talk it's horrible that that guy became a piece of shit and it's horrible that he was forced into this terrible terrible unspeakable unthinkable situation where you're seeing people die he watched a good friend get his leg blown off that day really yeah he he had watched the guy get his leg blown off that day

and then went drunk and went on a rampage that's when he lost his shit he you know the guy was he was in trouble you know and what they're saying is how they not recognize this i think because everybody's in trouble over there. They're all in war. Suicides are up there, though, like 80%. It's crazy. More soldiers have died at one point in time. I don't know if it's still the case, but more soldiers had died from suicide than had died from combat. Over there?

Yeah. No way. It was in one point in time it was. Suicides and, let me, it was at least in Afghanistan it was. No, that can't be true yeah it sounds like it wouldn't be right yeah i better not have made that up uh so what how do i put phrases suicides total suicides conflict go for it meta that's good casualties no way that's i will way. That would shock me.

Yeah. No way, right? I'll have to find out. Suicide claims more U.S. military lives than Afghan war. Yep. Suicide claims more. They've killed more soldiers. American military personnel are continuing to take their own lives in unprecedented numbers as the war in Afghanistan and Iraq drag on by as late November at least

334 members of the Armed Forces had committed suicide in 2009 and more than 319 who were also killed in Afghanistan or More more than the 319 who were killed in Afghanistan or the hundred and fifty who died in Iraq Doesn't yeah, yeah, but doesn't matter that was a point It doesn't make it to the town where More had died. More had died by suicide. More what had died by suicide? More soldiers killed themselves than were killed in combat. Yes.

Okay, wow. Two years in a row. But that includes American soldiers and stuff? Like still over here? It's all American soldiers. No, I'm saying still people over here? Or is that all people over there that were committing suicide? You know what I mean?

Yeah. Is it soldiers stationed in it just says american military personnel yeah that might be still a lot i think it's i think it's most of them that are over there man i think a lot of them have the they have the same problems when they come back yeah it's very most of them there or have done time over there yeah yeah the traumatic stress so many yeah yeah i mean i was i was hoping i didn't wow that's crazy wow we listen to this before 2001 the army rarely suffered 10 suicides per 100,000 soldiers now the army suicide rate is 20 per 100,000 it's higher than the registered among males 19 to 29 gender age bracket the highest rate among the general population wow so look man it's obviously it's fucking terrible over there and why why is it terrible over there oh there you go man talking about shit you don't know

well this fucking country is the baddest country in the world i don't know i don't know like yeah i don't know i'm asking like i know what i read like so what's the problem what i read is someone is doing something really bad why did you watch the fire fight did you see the video of the first person shooter uh helmet cam firefight no pull that up it's crazy helmet yeah helmet cam firefight they have a video of a dude in afghanistan oh and by the way i got a message from a guy on twitter saying that uh that him and his boys who are over there in the military in afghanistan listen to the show all the time so i want to say if you're over there man stay safe and get the fuck out of there. Don't kill yourself. Get the fuck out of there as quickly as you can. And, you know, Godspeed.

And if you do get home and you got some shit fucking with you, apparently they've been doing a lot of studies on post-traumatic stress disorder and MDMA. So look into that. Look into, if you have post-traumatic stress disorder, there's a lot of studies now that are suggesting that you can you can get over it

much more effectively with mdma really which is ecstasy ecstasy street name for it yeah there's a lot of people that are taking ecstasy and they're administering it to uh soldiers coming back for therapy yeah wow well you know it gives you such a loving feeling that you can abandon all these terrible definitely if it was like if you're having those feelings, like go seek a therapist. Yes. Because your mind is sort of messed up a little so you're not thinking straight. So those thoughts you get of like, let me just do this. Yeah.

And you got to be real careful about traumatic brain injuries. You know, another thing that happened to this guy, he had a traumatic brain injury, a truck accident. The truck flipped and he had a significant enough injury that they called it a traumatic brain injury. I don't know the extent of it, but I do know from dealing with fighters. And he committed suicide? No, this is the guy that killed everybody.

Oh, that guy. Yeah. It fucks with your judgment. Unquestionably, it fucks with your judgment. And your ability can be in as little as as you know a couple like hard concussions you just in your life a couple can really deteriorate the your ability to commit suicide they think that concussions can can lead you to like unquestionably big brain failures if you don't really relax after them well especially these guys who have concussions and then jump right

back in the game and get multiple concussions in the same day. That happens. They said after a concussion, you shouldn't even listen to loud music or anything. You shouldn't watch crazy TV. You should just sit there and read a book, do nothing. Yeah, you have to heal up your fucking brain, man. And there's not a whole lot of different things that they can do to help you other than time. And nootropics, too.

It's one of the things they do. They give them a lot of different nutrients. Like Bill Romanowski has a whole line based on that. It's called Neuro One. And this is one of the first nootropics I ever got into. No Name told us about it. Remember when we were up in San Francisco on Sarah and No Name on the Alice Morning Show? Yeah.

Great radio show that doesn't exist anymore. They were awesome together. They're done? They split up. The last time we did No Names When I made him drink his piss Yeah It was just No Name Oh yeah

Yeah But my point was That he was working out With this Romanowski guy Romanowski has suffered A ton of concussions He's had many Multiple, multiple concussions

And he started Looking into Different nutrients That can aid his You know His brain His recovery And he created his own line Called Neuro One looking into different nutrients that can aid his brain, his recovery. And he created his own line called Neuro One. Oh, that's cool. I used to take it all the time before I played video games.

Really? Yeah. I used to take it all the time. That's one of the things that Mayhem said about Alpha Brain. That's what Mayhem Miller said. That's why I knew Alpha Brain's legit, dude. He goes, I took it. And he goes, I was on fire when I was playing video games.

I was fucking people up. But I He goes, I took it. And he goes, I was on fire when I was playing video games. I was fucking people up. But I take it before I play pool. I would take Romanowski shit before I play pool. Really? Concentration stuff? Romanowski stuff tastes good, too. Remember when you got caught taking pictures with B.B. Jones? With who? B.B. Jones.

Who's B.B. Jones? Porn star. Really? Oh, that was Gronkowski. Sorry. Gronkowski? Yeah. My fault.

What the hell is he talking about? I don't know what you're talking about. Bill Romanowski is a different guyronkowski. Sorry. Gronkowski? Yeah. My fault. What the hell is he talking about? I don't know what you're talking about. Bill Romanowski is a different guy, I think. Yeah, he's a famous football player. Oh, I thought you said you got caught. No, Gronkowski is a football player, too. I just got mixed up. Oh, yeah.

I see what you're saying. Yeah, Gronkowski, Romanowski. I hear you don't like white people. I see what's up. I was like, what are you doing? Yeah, you got to have... They're the worst of the whites. Tell your friend Ted not to do that anymore.

Just tell him not to. Tell him not to do... Black. Just tell him not to. Tell him not to do... Black on black on black. Bud, I mean. Bud, yeah. Yeah, no, Bud never wears anything but black, and he won't listen to you. He's a dangerous man.

You don't understand. He's the man in black. You don't get it. Johnny Cash did it okay. Dude, he has a black American Express card. I shit you not. Because he loves it that much? Drives a black Cadillac with blacked out windows

why is he gone? he's not a douchebag either he's a nice guy believe it or not why does he have to do that? he knows people that are in black ops so what?

might change your life over it I don't know it's just this thing man I don't know yeah it's odd he's an odd dude he just decided at one point in time

to wear all black and then he never switched some people don't like looking silly man they don't like looking silly it's odd. He's an odd dude. He just decided at one point in time to wear all black. And then he never switched. Some people don't like looking silly, man. They don't like looking silly. It's just come too easy. What is it? No, there's a specific type of black. It's just come too easy.

I can't do all black all the time. I would be a little gross. It shows come too easy? I'd be like, come on my... Smear, come all over yourself? What are you just coming all over yourself? No, but you know, you come a little, and it'll definitely get on your pants or

shirt yeah that's a good point man i see what you're saying i wear a lot of white i'm just trying to like hide cum essentially have you ever yeah you've done it you've had a bit about it what come on myself no no like where you look down you're like dude this shirt's got so much cum on it yeah well i see a bit about how i would just wear that shirt outside the house yeah there was these two door guys it happens a lot yeah if anybody would say what's on your shirt what the fuck do you think it is bitch it's white and it's crusty and it's right near my it happens more than you like more than like i think most people i mean do you feel like it happens more with you like I feel like I have how often you jerking off on you? We know me like I'm out and I see it more than like you had sex and like yeah shirt nearby

Do you have sex with your clothes on no no, but I definitely Take you to you. I definitely like that night I'm just like I gotta wipe this off and I grab a shirt and then forget and then like two weeks later I pick one on this t-shirt. Yeah, you pick-shirts off the floor and wear them no they float in the air why would you pick t-shirts off the floor wear them why like no see i think you've worn them i i think shirts have an hour life kind of i think somebody else talked about this to me once and i totally agree with you for an hour no no brian jarvis so many hours oh so like if i have a shirt like i wear the shirt right now if i take it off Nobody else talked about this to me once, and I totally agree with them. When do you wear shirts for an hour? No, no. Ryan Jarvis. Ryan Jarvis.

Oh. So, like, if I have a shirt, like I wear this shirt right now, if I take it off, like, in an hour or so and put it on the floor or whatever, I think I could still wear it again. I've only worn it for two hours. I wore the same shirt Friday and Saturday night. T-shirt? Yes. But not really.

It was a T-shirt over a flannel or over a thermal, rather. The thermal you wore? Yeah. The reason I did it was because Saturday night was Fitzsimmons Irish Show, and I'm like, I've got to wear green. Yeah. I have to wear green. But the T-shirt you changed. thermal, rather. The thermal you wore? Yeah. The reason I did it was because Saturday night was Fitzsimmons Irish Show. And I'm like, I got to wear green. I have to wear green. But the t-shirt you changed. No, no.

The t-shirt I kept on. I wore the thermal underneath. So the t-shirt was not on my body. It just touched the thermal. That's OK. I just did it because I had to. You had a bottom layer, though. I only had one.

And plus, it's a dope shirt. Which one? It's a Brazilian jiu-jitsu. The Gracie Academy. Academy. Have you seen it like in in portuguese and with that green sign on it the brazil yeah yeah yeah it's like real faded it's this roots of fight line they have a whole line of like you've seen eddie with that um

the bruce lee kung fu shirt i think so yeah i i always loved it because it was like the name of bruce lee's first kung fu school that he had when he came to America. Oh, really? Yeah. That's cool. It's really badass. And so I went to their website. They had a bunch of fucking cool shit. And so I bought this old school Gracie Academy one. And then I got this one on right now. The one that I'm wearing right now.

This was Hickson versus Kimura. Or excuse me, not Hickson. Helio. Hickson's dad. Hickson's the main guy. The originator. Excuse me. Helio versus Kimura from or excuse me, not Hickson, Helio. Hickson's dad. Hickson's the main guy, the originator, excuse me. Helio versus Kimura from 1951. That's cool.

I own zero Gracie clothes. Zero? Zero. Yeah, you had some tap out shit you used to rock every now and then. I used to. I used to. And then when I saw a homeless guy wearing a tap out shirt, I was like, this might be too mainstream now.

I saw a homeless guy in an Ed Hardy shirt really yeah some homeless guy today cheered me on I went through a red light did they think you were the great space coaster

no I thought I was going to go through it like I'm taking him out to another dimension I was going to go through it it was like yellow I'm like nah I'll just run this one

were you wearing that sweater I was wearing the sweater but he like he starts doing the fist pump and as I go through he goes yeah he gets me at the fingers and I was like yeah man did they think you doing the fist pump. And as I go through, he goes, yeah!

He gives me the fingers. And I was like, yeah, man. Did they think you were the Nyan cat? Where's your test? It makes you think that the homeless guys probably could have been kind of cool. Yeah. In any other era. Maybe they might not have been homeless.

Maybe if they grew up in the 60s, they would have skated through and actually been okay. They must have some parts of them that are okay. Can't be 100% homeless. There's a lot of people becoming homeless now, though, man. This is a tricky time. There's more homeless people now, I bet. There's actually people that I know that are homeless. Like comics. It kind of creeps me out.

Are they couch surfing? That's not really homeless. That's not having a house. It is a little, and it sucks when you have one of those guys that lives in your house and you're never going to get them out. Yeah. It makes me sad, especially since a couple of them are girls, and it's like, oh, you poor girls.

But sleeping in people's sleep. Come to my lair. It's with me. Oh, Brian. You're getting dark on us. Did you put that out there on purpose, hoping to attract people? Yeah. Yeah.

That's what he's doing. No, because that's scary. You're right. You called him on it. No, that's scary, because those couch surfers, they must have stinky ass pussies, don't you think? Because they probably don't want to use the shower as much because they don't want to get in people's hair. You know what I mean? They wake up early and probably go out for the day.

The girls you're talking about? Yeah, yeah. Or people that couch surf. I've never had a couch surfer. I would just imagine that they would want to leave and get out your hair and not really bug you. Okay, so someone who's only crashing couch, they don't have a bedroom in your house. I've only had people bedroom in your house. I've only had people stay at my house.

I kind of had my friend Johnny stay at my couch for a little bit back in New York. But most of the people that have stayed with me, they stayed in that extra room. They stayed for a week. Yeah, Duncan and Tate lived here. Tate lived here for months. But it's great. It's great if you have a friend who's staying with you

and it's only for a short period of time. It's cool. I loved having both those guys a short period of time. It's cool. I loved having both those guys here. It was fun. It was cool. Just have a buddy. You come home, your buddy's watching TV at your house. Well, you have a good house for it.

Yeah. It's nice and segmented. Kurt Metzger stays with me when he comes to town. Yeah, he's a great guy. He's perfect. You're excited about it. Yeah, it's fun. Yeah.

It'd be cool to live with burt and tom segura except they have families you're fucked no no i mean like they'd be the mommy and dad i wouldn't be your baby that'd be so fun maybe the mom and dad and you'd stay outside you can just live with them just live with them like they were roommates you could break their marriages up to make it happen let's get it going all you have to do is break them up man they're happily married and shit but but whatever. They don't even know what's best for them. I did a podcast with Christina Prusitsky,

and I thought I deleted it by accident before I marked it. I was so upset. She's funny as fuck, man. That's Tom Segura's wife for the... Did you guys kiss? For the under-4? No, we did not kiss. Did you ask her to smell it? I did ask her to smell it.

Smell my cock real quick? No, no, my finger. I like that bit you do. Do you still do that bit about the doctor? About getting your penis checked out? No, I never made it. You never made it? Yeah.

That's why I need to record an album. I forgot about that. I forgot about that. Yeah. Ari had, can I tell it? Yeah, yeah, go for it. Ari had this bit where he would, did you have a,

was she an attractive woman doctor? She was an Asian. She was an Asian doctor. Attractive woman doctor was looking at his dick because he had like some sort of lesion on it something

was it ingrown hair yeah something going on and he just thought for a second about grabbing the back of her head while she was down

on her knees looking at his dick yeah and then he goes like oh like she would be like oh finally a real man like you never know

a real man took a chance that's right yeah I was like I don't want to because she's going to be mad. But what if she'd be into it? Yes. I'm passing out the opportunity. That's the problem.

That's what kept Clinton alive during those fucking years in the White House. Clinton was just whipping it out. Yeah. How many of the presidents you think were like that? You know, there's a book. Oh, so many. There's a book coming out that says Nixon's gay. Not only is it gay.

Really? They named the guy he was gay with. He had a long-term relationship with this one man. And then he took this guy with him everywhere. This really cute Latino guy.

He took the guy with him everywhere. That's possible. I totally see that. I see Joe Pesci playing him. I barely remember when Liberace sort of was like

he's got AIDS. No, no, no, not Liberace. That other guy, Rock Hudson. Yeah. And people are like, what? That's how I remember it. Was he super gay beforehand? He's just real handsome.

He was a real handsome movie star in the early days. And I think people just never believed. No. So there must be guys like that in office, too. Of course. You just don't want to think about it because of the times. Yeah. But it's like, yeah.

They're pretty sure this guy's pretty sure he's going on a limb on this Nixon thing but George Washington he's got a lot of photos of George Washington I wouldn't believe that

spread it spread it Lincoln shared a bed with a man fuck him it was common back then really the rusty trombone

it's common now it's called homosexuality it's rampant in West Hollywood they were cold as fuck Lincoln was living in a fucking house made out of sticks. Yeah, that's right. He built his own fucking house.

There's not much weatherproofing. Yeah. If you had to sleep with one president, who would it be? Clinton. I bet he knows how to sling a dick. That's good. Who would you do? Plus, he might be willing to bring some girls into the equation.

Listen, man, you can fuck me, but can we get some girls too? Shit. I was always attracted growing up to Andrew Jackson just because of his hair on the $20 bill. It was kind of cool. Well,

Washington had white teeth. Yeah. Like these crazy fake wooden teeth. What do they call it when black people have them? Caps? No,

he had dentures. Oh really? Yeah, they were, you know, like one of the first early dentures. You know,

they didn't take care of their mouths back then. People's's mouths their teeth would rot out of their fucking head they didn't know anything then no they didn't know shit if you had appendicitis you would just die dead dead so no one knows what it is it comes on within a week you're dead yeah you're not they you know they probably thought it was witchcraft all these people allergic to peanuts oh yeah with you know they just die off yeah allergies to milk see our our um our technology has overcome nature's way of getting rid of those people well i mean look the meek shall inherit the earth i mean that as a quote is it sounds

silly it sounds biblical it sounds like oh yeah sure they will but what physically meek but mentally strong physically weak but able to manifest all sorts of incredible things out of technology. Yeah. And that's really what's going on. And in manifesting all these incredible things out of technology, the body has less and less requirements physically. So they become meek. They become meek, and their computers and technology become strong, and they inherit the fucking earth. It's that simple.

Yeah. You know? That's really what's happening. And it's what's going to happen. And along the way, they're going to figure out. They're going to get bigger brains. and technology become strong and they inherit the fucking earth. It's that simple. That's really what's happening. That's what's going to happen. And along the way, they're going to figure out cures to every fucking disease. As long as people are alive. Or the strong people

will just start bashing the fuck out of the smart people. That's possible too. That's possible too. But then eventually they would breed smart people. We're in a middle state right now because I wouldn't say

it's the smartest people controlling the world right now. It's just the cunts. Smartest people that have ever been. Smartest cunts. Oh, yeah. But they're cunts. They're really smart people like Bill Gates.

They're not really controlling the world. I mean, they have a massive business and everything like that, but they're not directing overseas campaigns to get these minerals and fuck up governments. No, you know what he's controlling, Bill Gates? Curing malaria. Yeah.

Fucking great things. Great things. He's just donating billions of dollars. Isn't it amazing how Steve Jobs always got the reputation as being the cool guy who's green and great for the world. Meanwhile, Bill Gates is the guy that's donating money for schools and donating. He's done crazy humanitarian shit.

Malaria Research Institute, whatever it's called. We're done without him. As soon as he stops giving, we're out. That's amazing. Yeah. Have you seen his house? Oh, no. The all green thing? His house in Seattle?

Uh-uh. What's it like? Dude. Oh, my God. What's it like? There's a design for it online. It's fucking incredible. It's built.

First of all, he has a submarine. What? What? That's what I said. What? He's got a door underneath his fucking house where he can like open up and and what and bring the fucking submarine up it's just not crazy like it opens he can bring it in like in those old sea lab shows or whatever when they came in hope i didn't

make this up what if he's just crazy yeah i got a door yeah it's incredible state of the art garage for a submarine yeah it's on like a sound it's on a sound it's on like the ocean or lake or something like that and it's this amazing fucking house the like the top of the line technology in every room you walk and you wear a pendant and the pendant gives your your particular ID out to all these different sensors. So as you enter a room, your particular lighting comes on. Bill Gates has it. It goes to your temperature.

Your music starts playing. So, wow. That's pretty cool. That's what I'm saying. So you leave one room, I'll come in. We're talking about Bill Gates' house. Oh. Is that what you said?

Yeah. I thought you were going to tell me. You're such a fucking space case. I was thinking about which president. Bill Gates's house. Oh You're such a Case I was thinking about which president I wanted. Yeah, Bill Gates is like that. We're talking about yes I know but I was I was thinking I was still thinking about which president I wanted Oh, did that happens on pot sometimes if I'm talking to somebody and nobody happened and my mind will just go elsewhere I'll be like hey, can you back up? I didn't hear any of this i see i was thinking like jfk because but i don't know if it was just like the instagram colored look of all

the film that you see jfk and it's kind of cool but i think i would say lincoln just for that because that's kind of cool to sleep with lincoln jfk you know jfk would probably the most likely to fuck you he was living in crazy times you were allowed to fuck any of them yeah they're jfk apparently was like the biggest freak of all time. I already had a comment on that. You would fuck them? Physically fuck them? Yeah, you have to fuck them.

No, no, no. They get to fuck you, I thought. Oh, you have to fuck them? No, you have to fuck them. Then Grover Cleveland, one of those fat guys. I'm going to fuck many fat dudes. Nixon? I'm going to fuck Nixon.

Why? Try to get the secrets out of him? Just to fuck him. Now, which one would you want to make love with? I like it. Lincoln, because he freed the slaves and he probably already had experience with men. Right.

Ari, what about you? I mean, like, we're trying to last as long as we can, right? Whichever one you want to fuck. And everyone will know about it. Last as long as we can. I'm trying to enjoy this moment. Are we going condom or no condom?

No condom. No condom. This is love, bro. This is love. Plus, there were barely any diseases back then. There were lighter diseases, but you had to scrape yourself free if you had something. I know. What did you do?

I don't know. You had to reach up there with utensils. Yeah. You know, didn't Al Capone, didn't he die of syphilis? Chlamydia? Syphilis. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right.

That's right. Yeah, syphilis would kill people. Have you ever seen pictures of people who have really long-term or advanced syphilis? It's horrible. It's right. Yeah, syphilis would kill people. Have you ever seen pictures of people who have really long-term or advanced syphilis? It's horrible. It's disgusting. Yeah, it's an evil disease. It's crazy that we give each other diseases by fucking. It really is.

It's nuts. We just attack that area. A lot of them, that's the only way to get it. You don't get herpes by shaking hands. No. But you can get a flu by shaking hands. Shook a dick's hand, you probably could. Shook a dick's hand, you probably could. Shook a dick's hand?

Yeah, no. If you actually touched a herpes dick or herpetic penis, you'd be fine. No, if you had it cut on your finger. No, there's no hand herpes. Yeah, you're right. There's no hand herpes. You sure? You wouldn't get it on your hand.

Lips and dick. Lips and dick. It's weird. It has to be like an open area. I don't know, because those areas are... Yeah, but in genital herpes, that's all over the place sometimes right no just in your genitals really just general you can get in like in your legs too and there's actually your legs you get in your eyeball yeah there's there's a type of it you can get a forehead too there's like shingles

too which is like another like advanced form of herpes yeah it's different kind of herpes you're a jerk the worst thing i ever got was warts thinking your shingles get shingles on your back. Those are going to just burn off. Yeah, they cook those. But then you have that juice inside you forever. You would fuck Obama. Yeah, if that ever comes out. You'd fuck Obama? I just see Ari being wanting to fuck Obama.

Oh, I didn't consider Obama. Yeah, you'd go black. Of course. I would lift people off my back so much. Did you see the video of the guy who claimed that he was Obama's lover, that they had shared oral sex? No. Yeah, in a magazine in Chicago. Yeah. You ever heard this guy no pull it up pull it up i could see obama's uh gay lover

just pull up in in uh confessions obama's gay lover gay obama lover yeah the guy was so ridiculous damn he's got a nice ass does he confession of the obama'sover? He was, they were interviewing him about it, and he, it's just so ridiculous. Yeah, that's the guy. After him, my name is Larry Sinclair. You got a first leg at a scene. I'm about to see the Obama incident. This is a Judge Apatow movie.

I flew out of Colorado Springs, Colorado, to Chicago on November 2nd, 1999. Arriving in O'Hare early in the morning of November 3rd. I went to the Chicago area to attend the graduation of my godson, my best friend's son, from basic training from the Great Lakes Navy Training Facility. I made reservations at the Comfort Inn and Suites in Gurney, Illinois, based solely on the location to the training center. On November 5th, 1999, I hired the services of Five Star Limousine.

Winer and diner. Excuse me. A lot of details in this guy's story. I had hired them both for November 5th and November 6th of 1999. Billa, it's tension building now, yeah. On November 6th, 1999, I asked the limo driver whose name I now reveal for the first time. Jair Paramit Mutani. You just learned how to pronounce it.

Anyone who would like to socialize and show me Chicago. Mr. Mutani understood that I was looking for someone who knew Chicago and would enjoy socializing. Mr. Mutani said he knew someone who was a friend of his. On November 6, 1999, after picking me up at the hotel in Gurney, and this is significant, Mr. Mutani used his cell phone to make a call. That call was made to then-Illinois State Senator Barack Obama to set up an introduction between myself and Senator Obama. Upon arriving at the bar and exiting the limo,

Senator Obama... Is he claiming to be a hooker? You! Can you just hit the space bar? No. It doesn't work? No. Whoa, hold on. Yeah. What just happened happened the guy's saying that he fucked obama and so he gave all those details in

order to be corroborative or let's say like give all those details because he's a moron yeah it's such a long part of the story hell buddy well also when you're doing a press conference you have 20 minutes to kill you think so this guy called this he got his limo driver to call hey show me some good fucking. Get me some good dick. And Obama's like, man, you let me know when someone's looking for dick. Oh, you drive a limo? Oh, you drive a limo?

I'm a senator, and I'm thinking about being a president. But if you see some dick, I'll abandon all that shit. I don't believe it. No, of course not. The guy's nuts. The guy, he reeks of being full of shit. And he's not just like, we had a relationship in college. It's like, he's a random, like, call me up and I'll just fuck somebody.

That's, maybe. Yeah. Probably not. The story is so preposterous. What if it was real? Do you think he took gay sounding lessons from the Republican convention? Like, he has to act like this to ruin Obama? I don't believe that it's real,

but I wouldn't be surprised if it was real. Because look at what happened with Clinton. Who would have ever believed that there was a president and he was in his 50s and he was in the White House and he was having a 20-year-old girl blow on him and shooting loads on her dress? Who would have believed that?

Yeah, no white poppers. Stop sucking a cigar in and out of her. Who would have believed that he would have thought she would have kept her mouth shut? I mean, come on. She did. It was the other one dragged her in, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow.

The ugly chick. The ugly friend. Think about that position that he was in. The president of the United States is literally at the top of the food chain of human beings on the planet. As far as the most prestigious position... Yeah, in the world. In the world, period.

I mean, it just is. I don't care how much you love being from Ireland or England or wherever you're from. Top ten. That guy, the president of... Even if you don't respect it... The pope? Yeah.

The president? Pope can't fight with the president. Jordan? President of bombs. President can control the military. There's no comparison. Pope's a joke. Pope's got religious nuts, though.

He gets those chicks. They could kill them with bombs. Oh, yeah, if there was a war between them. There's a war between the president and the pope. The president wins every time. He just sends all those pictures

that have saved up for years of all those guys getting their dicks sucked by little boys. They just release those all over the internet and there's a massive campaign against the Vatican.

Yeah, they're not in a strong place right now. If there was ever a position where the United States went to war with the Vatican, we wouldn't use bombs. We would use pictures of them blowing cans. Release more and more of those over the five-year period. They didn't have to be real, man. I mean, how many fucking Photoshop artists are there that work for the military?

Luckily, there's plenty that they can find that are real. Yeah. Because they're constantly doing it. I'm sure. All you have to do is set hidden cameras up or follow these fucks wherever they go, and you're going to find a certain percentage of them. Really? All you have to do is set hidden cameras up or follow these fucks wherever they go and you're going to find a certain percentage of them. Really? All you have to do is give them all flip phones

and I'm sure some of them will just record themselves. Well, you know, I've heard it argued online especially and it's really a fucking potent argument, a scary argument, that the entire Catholic religion at its highest levels exists for all these gay guys. I can believe that. They covered it up at the highest can believe that. They covered it up

at the highest level. They not just covered it up and sent the guy on the way. Covered it up and sent him to rape more kids. Yeah, it's a culture of... That's from the Vatican. A lot of them accept it.

A lot of the boys accept the position. So a lot of the boys like it. And so they think that it's good. They think that they're doing a good thing. There's literally things that Ratzinger saw.

Ratzinger, who's the guy who's the Pope right now, Pope Benedict. Oh, the Nazi one? He might hit Hitler Youth. No big deal. No big deal. Hitler Youth, whatever.

But there's letters by this fucking guy that this guy had under his review where these cardinals or bishops or whatever the fuck they were, were actually specifically targeting boys that had come from broken families oh he was they were asking for boys from broken because they wanted people that couldn't fight back as much they didn't know anywhere to go they didn't have a family that they can call they didn't have a father that's who beat your ass those are the

people choosing how you like act in your religion what lent how long that lasts and what you have to do this year and whether or not condoms are legal those are the people choosing you can't be catholic anymore yeah dirty boy you can't silly bitches you just can't yeah be another christian it's so dumb it's all dumb but catholicism is one of the worst it's it's a cult of people who are dressed up like fucking genies they're dressed up like these crazy wizard outfits with giant fish head hats and they're waving golden wands. It's 2012 and these assholes are dressed up

like they're like a fucking Harry Potter character. I mean, it's preposterous. The idea that that still exists and we still take that seriously. My God, that's incredible i mean it's it's really incredible and you know people go oh you're so ignorant you know you hate religion you hate i i hate everything that stinks like shit yeah and that's everybody's throat you can't even bring something up that goes against them if there's a guy you don't want to have to give people

fucking birth control if we're christian yeah it's like oh if i'm jewish i don't want to have to give people fucking birth control if we're Christian. Yeah. It's like, if I'm Jewish, I don't have to let people get bacon with the money I give them. What are you arguing about? When all the fucking Christians don't let anyone do anything. They think they run everything. You can't get birth control to girls because Catholics don't want to have to offer that to people? Well, Catholics think that birth control is actually bad. So then don't take it. The Pope tells you that you're not supposed to be using condoms.

You're not supposed to be using birth control. You're supposed to be having sex for procreation only. Yeah, so that's what they should do. It's got nothing to do with what your employees need. That's why boys have a boy pussy. If you're a Christian scientist, you can't deny all health care to your workers because you don't believe in health care.

Yeah, well, there's... You just don't do it yourself. There's certainly that. That's certainly a problem if you're an employer. But I think overall the real problem is that it's an ideology. And it's an ideology that's based on just some shit that's written down. And the idea that there's a God is not a preposterous idea. If you look at the underlying code of the universe,

it's really the whole Fibonacci sequence that reoccurs in nature over and over again. There's this constant drive towards complexity. It may very well be coincidence. Or it may be that there's some sort of an impossible-to-decipher grand plan to it all. And it might not be a deity as far as how we look at it, like being a person. We anthropomorphize. That's what we do when you have an animal and you put it in a human context.

I mean, however you would describe that, putting a god, a deity, into a human context, I think that's ridiculous. I think the idea of it even being remotely like our consciousness is ridiculous. But it's not ridiculous that there's some sort of a higher order. It doesn't seem to me. But what's ridiculous is all these stupid old stories that everybody's basing their life on yeah circumcising

kids and not eating pork and you know what are you talking about no water during the day and there are zero proofs for this you can do it if you want but don't fucking tell anyone else that who cares what anyone else does they don't have to do your shit yeah it's stupid that's what it is it's dumb but the problem is you there's a lot of people out there that really have a hard time thinking for themselves. And they are happier when someone comes along and they offer them a predetermined pattern they can follow. That's why religion works for a lot of people.

All right, so do it yourself. Don't force it on anybody else. Well. It's stupid, but do it yourself if you want to do it. And then I think the problem with that is that when someone's doing something they want other people to do it too it's like when dudes go vegan and they get douchey with you how many times have you ever had that happen but they're happy that you're not vegan sometimes they're happy that they can look down on you in some way i've had guys like come on man you really need to try this you really need to come

on man i'm like you need to get the fuck away from me if i don't eat these animals are they gonna live forever is something gonna happen they going to cure cancer, you stupid fuck? What are you saying? You're not going to kill animals. What if plants would scream when you cut them down? Would you still eat them? What if they made like a... As you cut the lettuce out of the ground.

That would be freaky. What if they moaned? Yeah, would you be upset? What if they loved it? This is what I was growing for. freaky would you they moaned yeah would you be upset what if they loved it but this is something when someone becomes something when they become a republican when they become a windows user when they switch on the sprint they want you to do it too everybody there's a lot of people that are weak like that man they feel better when everybody else is doing the same shit they're doing if they're dressing like johnny, they want everybody else to dress like Johnny Cash, too. Yeah, you could tell them, like, literally,

this is the only car that fits into my carport. They're like, dude, no, you're making a mistake. You need to buy American, bro. Or they're like Ford over Chevy. I'm a Ford guy, bro. Well, that makes a lot of sense. Why, Chevy? You decided when you were six?

I'm a Ford guy, bro. I'll always be a Ford guy until I die, bro. You know what's funny is Ford escorts remember how gross that car used to be and it was called an escort

it's like the grossest car ever Andy called an escort that was before escorts were escorts back then they were prostitutes they called after the car

they were still escorts back then have you ever templed an escort I don't know things like that templed an escort tabernacle

tabernacle I can't even remember tempo templed an escort did you ever have an escort I almost bought it Things like that. Temple? Tabernacle? Tabernacle? I can't even remember. Tempo. Tempo to an escort. Did you ever have an escort? I almost bought it. No, I never got an escort.

I've never had somebody walk around with me. Oh, a car, you mean. Yeah, Ford is the only company that didn't take money from the government in its bailouts, and they're still doing great. Who paid them back already? Somebody already just paid them fully back. No, it's not true no no they try to say that they paid them back fully but there's apparently there's a lot of funky malarkey that i don't understand it i'm not a big financial guy

but the way it's been explained to me is like no it seems like they've clearly taken away the idea that we have any say in it so it's like all right let's let's actually find out so that we don't misinform people. Auto bailout, bailout, payback, right? Your mouth is agape. It's done. You're about to murmur out something. I went to the hardware store last night. You know who has a house like that?

Okay, here's the issue. While we're still on the subject, because I did know that there was something wrong about this. In the Washington Examiner, they have an article the truth behind Chrysler's fake auto bailout payback and apparently there's a lot of fucking funny accounting of how they yeah american taxpayers have already spent more than 13 billion bailing out chrysler the obama administration already forgave more than four billion of that debt when the company filed for bankruptcy.

Tax payers are never going to get that money back. But how is Chrysler going to pay off the rest of the $7.6 billion they own in the Treasury Department? The answer is the Obama administration's bailout agreement with Fiat gave the Italian car company an incremental call option that allows it to buy up to 16 percent of chrysler stock at a reduced rate but in order to exercise that option first it had to pay back at least 3.5 billion of the loan to uh the treasury department so it's it's it's all like fiat is renting them exactly it's not it's not like chrysler became ballers and paid all the money back and like thanks it worked there's uh there's a lot of other shit going on

behind the scenes people are buying things and selling things you should pee Ari Shafir I would love it if America made all the best shit I mean I would think it would be amazing if we could pull out of this and all of a sudden make fucking badass cars

I would like to support that when we buy if you buy a german car you know that those people they're not slave laborers you know but if you if you buy a car like if they start selling cars that are made in china like you know foxconn starts making cars that's a it's a tricky situation to be in i would way rather pay more if i could afford it of course obviously way rather pay more if i knew that the people who made my car got a good wage wouldn't you i i've always bought fords i i like fords i want to get a ford mustang next i think that or a charger i i've i've always bought fords you know except charges on a ford boy

yeah i know that's a chrysler i know that's chrysler's full of shit didn't you hear what i just said chrysler looks nice they look dope that charge is one of the best shapes out there they nailed it they they made a modern version of the 1970s and 1960s muscle car. They did it. They fucking nailed it. They nailed it with the Camaro, too, the new Camaro. Nailed it. I saw a crazy-looking red one with black stripes the other day.

I saw a yellow one the other day. Aubrey was driving one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're great. They're great shape. I wouldn't buy a yellow car, though. I wouldn't buy that car, yeah. There's something about a yellow car that just, man, it's hard to prove you're not a douchebag.

Mine's orange, man. I've got nacho orange. At least all the Mexicans love me, but it's like a creepy orange. Nacho orange, all the Mexicans love you? Is that what you call it? Fiesta orange. Fiesta orange is what Ari calls it. Fiesta orange.

Because it feels like a fiesta. Yeah, it's like going, getting a Dorito. It's like a party. Do you think that they just had like an extra gallon of that paint? I think so. We got to use it. That's why I got it so cheap because it was that color. But now I want to murder that car.

It's like my favorite. That car is great, Brian. You have a great car. Yeah. For an American car also, that's amazing. Yeah. It's nice.

It's about as nice as it gets except for the new Cadillacs. The new Cadillacs are just about the best American cars that have ever been built. Yeah. There's some new Cadillac CTS- the best American cars that have ever been built. There's some new Cadillac CTS-V and the CTS-V

Coupe. You're in Blade Runner. Yeah, Romney has nine of those. He has nine of them? I'm joking. He said his wife had two Cadillacs when he was trying to relate to the U.S. auto workers. Oh, really? Did he really say that? He goes, In fact, I own an American car. In fact, my wife drives a Cadillac. In fact, she drives two Cadillacs.

And you see all of the buyers going, God damn it, man. You stupid fuck. Why couldn't you say one, you dumb cunt? He also said this, the same thing. He goes, I love auto racing. I've always loved auto racing. I've been a big fan.

A lot of my friends are owners. Don't say that. No, don't say that. Why? You're killing us. Hey, do you want to go racing? Have you ever had the desire to race cars yeah get in cars and go around a track remember that what's it called place did you go in that what a call place

oh atlanta we went to uh yeah r was with me when we did uh yeah i went around the track we um i uh did some sort of a hosting thing for a mini cooper versus porsche challenge it's a race that they had in a really closed circuit, so the big engine of the Porsche didn't allow it to overtake the Mini Cooper, which is speed. It was all just about agility and real usable speed. It's pretty fucking impressive that a Mini Cooper was only a couple of seconds behind a Porsche in this race around these cones.

I love those guys, too. They're like, are you guys going to win? They're like, we'll see. And then they didn't. They didn't think they were going to win. They're like, probably not. are you guys gonna win they're like we'll see and then like they didn't they didn't think they were gonna win they're like probably not they didn't even they just made a party for their owners well they didn't even get the sport version minicooper really no they had a regular version have you seen the wagon one that's actually really regular version they're great apparently they're like they had like all the people from like the minicooper

clubs and all that shit come down because people like get fanatic about those cars just like clubs and shit they're apparently like the most fun to drive they had a barbecue yeah they mean they invited yeah they invited any mini cooper owner to come down you just get free barbecue i got a chance to drive it a little bit but it was only around this you know the small course but it's they're they're like real agile little cars they're like it's like a go-kart it's like you're so it's so small and so light you know it's like there's something fun in that man so what's this i just got i remember i just got so high i was like you were like i gotta work so you do whatever you want to do yeah my idea was to get obliterated in atlanta we got obliterated because i had no

work to do hot as fuck that day remember how hot it was yeah it was sweltering right atlanta gets that crazy funky hot wait so when are you going racing i don't know soon um uh i have a friend who uh i mean they're not't want to like have a competition or anything like that. Just go around a track real fast. Let's play chicken. Let's play chicken. Oh.

If you want to, in Burbank, they have adult go-kart, indoor adult go-kart track. And I'm just thinking about doing that. Really? That'd be pretty fun. That'd be cool. I'm really baked into doing that. I guess they go really fast. The owner of the ice.

How fast do they go? I don't know. The owner of the ice house does it. Okay. Yeah. Let's do that. Yeah. You know, there's a laser tag place up here, too.

They still have laser tag? Yeah. We should do all those things, though. We should do all those things. What about shoot guns? You ever shoot guns? Paintball. I have.

I love shooting guns. We should do that. Let's go shoot guns. I want to shoot fish. Gun range? Yeah. In a barrel? Fish?

No, like put fish up and then try to shoot fish so they explode. In the air? Like dead fish. Why would you do that? It's a waste of fish. Like toss things up? It's a better target. Pick a gross fish.

Filthy American. How dare you? Fire guns in the air. Guns in the air? Just shoot them in the air? Is that what you mean? Like pull and just throw a fish up? No, no, no.

Like put them on a target and then shoot them from far and try to blow up a fish. Oh, you don't mean like throw them in the air and then try to shoot them out of the sky? No. I went skeet shooting with Sean Miller in Indianapolis. Yeah. It was so much fun. Yeah, it was great fun. You pull and you just pop it and when you see it explode.

It's exciting. You're like, ah. Yeah, it's like, I mean, when you play pool and you make a nine ball. And everyone hangs out there. They have like a pro area. You know, everyone hangs out. Just like in pool, people would hang out or any place where people would chill a golf room yeah i have a buddy justin everyone's into it these uh they have like competitions where you go through a maze yeah and like things come up

like a nice and you blast them and you get like a score and then you go like a certain area well this is bullets yeah that was that was the the cop. What was the cop movies? Cop movies? Oh, yeah. You killed the civilian again. Yeah. What were those cop movies? Lethal Weapon?

No, the funny ones with Steve Guttenberg. Turner Hooch? With Steve Guttenberg. Steve Guttenberg. There were five of them. Police Academy? Police Academy. Yeah, they had to go

through those courses. Steve Guttenberg. And Tackleberry, who died. There was this thing on Halloween where you would pay money, and they had like 100 people dressed up as zombies, and you were on top of a building,

and they all just start coming towards you, and it's paintball, and you just shoot them. Charge. Oh! Yeah, so it's like you're being swarmed. Where is this? It was in Santa Monica. Wow, that's a great idea.

They wanted us to come down, because we were going to have them on the podcast. And then what do they do when they get a hold of you? No, you just shoot them. They shoot them. They're slowly climbing up. And then they have to fall when they get shot? I don't know. I didn't do it. So they're slowly coming in on you like the scene from Thriller.

They're hoarding you. It's like Call of Duty. That's dangerous, man. They're eventually going to have a game like the world's most deadly game. Remember that movie? The deadliest game, whatever it was. I yeah they redid it with gary bucey also was hunting him it wasn't ice tea was the one being hunted oh yeah that's when ice tea had like crazy dreadlocks remember yeah but there was an old

version of it it's like the deadliest games, really old. It was like a Russian military guy who was like crazy and depraved. I want to hunt everything. Brought these people to his island and would hunt them down. And the reason why I, but I remember this because I've been watching this show

called Naked City. Have you seen this show? Not that one. Oh, Hidden City. Sorry, not Naked City, Hidden City. Yeah. Hidden City is all this Marcus Shacky guy.

He's a crime novelist. And he goes to all these different towns and finds out the really fucked up stories in this town. Like all the crazy murders and shit that haven't been solved. And one of them was a dude who would pick up hookers. And he would take them in a plane in Alaska. He would pick them up, handcuff them, put them in his plane. And then fly them to an island and let them loose. And then he would go and hunt them. Really? Yeah. He would pick them up, handcuff them, put them in his plane, and then fly them to an island and let them loose, and then he would go and hunt them.

Really? Yeah. He would bring a rifle, and he would let them loose and just go, you better run, you better run. I'm going to shoot you if you don't run. You better fucking run. I'm coming after you, bitch. And then he would go after them.

He'd hunt them. He'd track them down. They'd be in the snow, so he'd be tracking them. Whoa. Yeah, but it was the thrill of actually tracking them. He'd fucking blow them away. And then he would keep their licenses and shit, and that's how they caught him he went into his attic his attic he had driver's licenses of all these different women that he killed because they had searched his place once they couldn't find anything and they

had to search his place again and when they searched his place again they found it in the attic shouldn't keep mementos they can't help themselves they say those people want to be caught but i don't think that's what it is i think they You shouldn't keep mementos. They can't help themselves. They say those people want to be caught, but I don't think that's what it is. I think they just like keeping their mementos. Well, they look back at those mementos, and they get excited. It's trophies. Yeah. I don't think it's like, I'm looking to get caught, though. I think they're looking not to and keep these things.

You get more complacent the more you do it. I blame my mom. She always had that book when you were a kid, and it had a little lock of your hair and stuff like that. I always was attracted like locks of hairs you know with the girls that I date what

would you ever if it was on the menu would you try human meat no you would never do it it's supposed to taste just like pork really

yeah and you can always eat pork so why would I try human meat I don't want to know what that tastes like wow apparently though you obviously would

it must be distinguishable because well you can go to liberia and you can get some crazy not anymore the war's done now the war's done so they're not serving any more human meat charlie charles taylor's in the hague charles taylor's the guy was the the the horrible war criminal he was the bad assest one crazy fucking name charles taylor sounds like the guy who like created peanuts they destroyed their own infrastructure they were just they needed like stuff to tie people up with so they just used

like telephone wire they would cut it down and just use that so like oh now we have no telephone lines jesus christ they're defensive rockets out so like let me show you how much i can blow up this damn and then you show me how much that rocket can blow up this damn they blow up they just blow up dams they're so stupid yeah the Yeah. The whole, the Liberia is so frightening. And the fact that it used to be a U.S. slave colony. Really? Yeah, that's how it started. It's all better now.

Slaves came from Liberia, or from America, and went back to Africa. That was the port. Yeah. Wow. It's better now? In what way? Charlestown is gone. They're trying to redo everything.

It's still a mess, man. They had, the vice guy to Liberia was pretty recent. They were over there. It's still crazy. Really? Yeah, there's parts of the world where, how the fuck do you fix Africa? Look at all the different, like, look at Uganda. I mean, that's a long, long, long project.

They wanted to give Jews Uganda. Get them Jewish? They wanted to give the Jews Uganda. Instead of Israel? Yeah. So, listen, figure this place out. There's a lot of talk about that. When was this?

60... No, no, no, way before before that i guess the 40s and 30s so before israel after the war they were like we need to give them some place to go clearly we've shown enough times we just so how did it explain to me how the whole israel thing worked because at one point in time yeah palestinians lived there but no jew Jews lived there already? How did that work? There were a bunch of different migrations. Well, Jews lived there and Arabs lived there a long time ago, and then one of the Roman kings came and dispersed the Jews. Killed them. Yeah.

Well, no, just say, extinguish them. Get out of here. Go to Europe. Go to Africa. Just go. You got to kick them out. Kick them out of Israel. Kick them all out.

What year was this? This we're talking about like, this is way after Jesus, I think. I think, because Jews were around when Jesus was there. Way after Jesus. And after one temple was destroyed, then the Jews wouldn't go back until they rebuilt the second temple. Then they did.

Then they came back. When that was destroyed and they were kicked out, they slowly started coming back here or there. So like in 1910, there was a big migration. 1912. Big migration of european jews to israel what temple was it where the romans got all the way up to the top and the jews had killed each other masada it wasn't a temple it was a it was a last enclave of defense they were like resisting so what did they do what was the story they uh went up there it was one of those things that one of the roman kings built for like this getaway this week sweet getaway um it's really awesome actually they have these these um hot baths and they would like empty out like the

part of the mountain underneath it so they could heat it up and so then we go up but the ceilings were curved down because they knew that if they were flat the water drops would like hit and just like form and then hit you. It was really unpleasant, so they made them all curved, so the water would run down the curved ceilings and not drip onto you. Yeah, just really great design things. But anyway, as the Jews were being pushed out, saying convert or leave or die, I guess some of them, their last defenses, pushed back to there, and they realized there's only one way up so they just they could just shoot down arrows at people at the

romans they couldn't get up there um until they started using jewish slaves as human shields and then started marching up but also there they had enough food and water to last them for like so long so they will wait you out we'll just wait you out for years they just hadn't surrounded wow like they had that much yeah they had that much supplies and then eventually when i think the human slaves started then they were like all right we're not going to kill our own so what do we got to do and i think they just they all killed each other well we're not going to kill our own so we'll kill our yeah we'll just all commit suicide we're dead anyway so how'd they commit suicide would they use these swords right swords yeah is that what it was a lot

of it wasn't it maybe where they get poison it wouldn't be poison where they have that much poison yeah i don't know that much poison laying around i heard that it was done in a very primal way it could be swords it could have been swords and i know like the last guy had to do it to himself and they had to choose who was going to be that last guy wow oh that's what it is they don't want to commit suicide because you don't go to heaven so you would kill another person so you don't have to kill yourself. So the last guy. The last guy had to commit suicide. Or he just didn't.

And he's like, look at all these Jew shields everywhere. Or you just run at the Romans. Like, come on, bitch. Yeah, death by cops. Or go, oh, you guys came up this way? I came up back over there. These Jews are all dead. That's probably what I would do.

It's crazy. Let's get out. They stole my clothes and then died. You wore a Roman outfit. Right. Wow. What a fucking crazy time to be alive. That must have been, huh?

You had to give up your religion or die? Yeah. Isn't that amazing? I didn't give up my religion. I can't even go to church. What are you talking about? It's so easy. It just shows you that people have always had that weird desire to have everyone else

think exactly the way they thought. And it makes them feel more secure. Christians. More Christians. Christians. More Christians. The Jews actually never proselytized. We don't.

That's amazing, isn't it? Yeah. Why is that? Because your religion is just as silly as anybody else's. It's based on the same things as the Christians. So how come they figured out to keep to themselves? They said, like, you don't have to do this. There's no reason.

You should. If you want to, you can. But we're not going to try to push you. There's no reason. You should. If you want to, you can, but we're not going to try to push you. It's like, do whatever you want. At the time of David, they outlawed it. Outlawed conversion. Wow.

It was too popular. Too popular. Everybody wanted to be a Jew. People were just trying to become a Jew just because they were the ruling party. Really? Yeah. Damn, so they outlawed it.

So they said no conversion during this time. God, for how long? I don't know. Please, I'm fucked. Yeah, I don't know. Now you have to do that. You have to ask a bunch of times. I'm just hanging out. I don't don't know. Now you have to do that. You have to ask a bunch of times. I'm a Gentile.

I'm just hanging out. I don't like these people. You have to do that now. You have to do that now. I'm the worst of the whites. I don't want to be that. You pretty much have to do that. The rabbi will tell you, don't do this.

You don't want to do it. Really? You can't eat Big Macs. Just trust me. You don't want to do this. You can't eat Big Macs? Yeah. If you're a Jew, you can't eat Big Macs?

Religious Jew. You know that you're supposed to eat hamburgers? Is that what it is? It's not kosher meat. And it's cheese on there too. Oh, so just that in general. But you could have kosher beef burgers. You could have a kosher beef burger? With soy cheese. Oh,

the cheese. What is it? You can't combine milk and meat? Is that what it is? What's that all about? It's pretty much stupidity, just like all the religions. But it's based on a passage that says um you shall not mix the meat of the mother with them or the milk of the milk of the mother with the meat of the calf huh yeah that wasn't about sex porn instead or anything else some sex take that just

to be that it's it's that actual mother and calf yeah but that's the case why can't you get the milk from the mother and then kill the mother and eat her it's the milk of the mother and the meat of the mother that's all right i don't really get it it's just they just no meat and milk no milk you have to wait if you eat pizza you have to wait 30 minutes before you eat meat what are the odds though if you have a fucking piece of meat that the milk's going to come from the same no it's not they said that means they said that passage means don't mix it to it all fuck you linen and cotton you can't mix what yeah but you can't if you're if you have a if you have like a a woolen linen that's what it is if you have a wool um jacket you can't have linen

um things tying in the buttons because that's evil and you'll go to hell you go to hell for that no my favorite one my favorite one that you told me to this day was that you were told that when you masturbate now for a lot of peopleurbation? No, Ari grew up extremely religious to the point where he lived... You lived on... You lived in Israel and you shaved for two years. Yeah, and you studied the Torah all day long. 9 a.m. to 10 p.m.

I mean, that's some pretty intense shit. And they told you when you masturbated that you were impregnating a demon in the other dimension. Let's just say you're on your back lying down. They didn really do positions back then or shower anyway but when you're doing it some demon comes and like she's like around you fucking you as you're fucking your hand yeah and then you make like demon babies in the after some writer used this the phage there was some like maybe dean coons maybe dean coons use it in a movie yeah He was in a movie? Yeah, there was some, no, in a book.

There was some demon was, like, writing him and had, anyway, but then you get her pregnant and she has babies every time you do that. Every time, you're 100%. But those babies never get to be born on Earth. They only live in this demon world, and they're all deformed and gross. Wow. I forgot about this. And then when you get to go to heaven, when you die, you have to meet those demons.

Oh, my God. And they go, why, Dad? Why couldn't we be born on the regular planet? and then when you get to go to heaven when you die you have to meet those demons oh my god and they go why dad why couldn't we born on the regular planet wow why are we like this dad so did you masturbate anyway even knowing all this uh-huh and what did you think was was this going on while you were living in this like really religious environment you were masturbating you never stop masturbating you never stop i. I mean, I slowed down. I thought it was evil for doing it. So you're doing this. You're there 9 a.m. to 9 p.m.

Did you think, well, that part's bullshit? You're studying this intense religious... Well, I think there's two types of sins. Literally, this is how it is. There's two types of sins. There's sins you plan out and say, fuck it. I don't agree with that. And there's types like gossip where it just happens.

Right. You're not thinking about it like, fuck, I shouldn't have done that agree with that and this type's like gossip where it just happens right you're not thinking about like fuck i shouldn't have done that right talking about about somebody masturbation is one that just overcomes you but it's one i guess it's one that you do plan out because you could just not do it this time don't you accidentally touched it women i don't think have the same it's not they don't have that backup you know women want to have sex they get itchy like they want they want to be touched they They want affection. They get horny. But we have like a backup of sperm where like your dick is like, come on, let's go. Yeah.

It's like you got to get rid of this shit. Jesus Christ. We can't even think. You can get sperm everywhere here. Come on. Jesus. What did you, when you beat off, did you like, fuck, what about those babies? Did you believe that part?

That part was more like fables. It wasn't like the written in the Torah. So it was like, this is what the extracurricular stuff, the ghosts and shit like that. So when would they bring that up? They barely brought that up. Did they bring it up in class ever? Yeah, it would come up. We're in discussions with rabbis who studied all that stuff.

The Zohar, which is like the mystical book. But you're not supposed to study that until you're married and 35. What? Is it sexy? The mystical book? Yeah. What's that about?

You can't really handle it until you're married and 35. What's that all about? It's got all this stuff about ghosts and weird shit. Ghosts? Yeah. Demons?

There's ghosts and demons? Yeah, and crossing. Dude, Judaism sounds like fun. It sounds like fun literature you don't get to read it very much I never read the translation of those it's so hard

maybe I should read it can you get it online can you buy it on amazon.com probably all written down somewhere actually but a lot of it would be the exact language

you wouldn't get that from translation but you'll get close yeah there was this piece there was this one piece in the Talmud which is like a respected

like you're supposed to study it part and they said this rabbi went to his students who were living is like a respected, like you're supposed to study it part. And they said this rabbi went to his students who were living in like a dormitory all together because there was a snake or a dragon that was attacking them every night and killing his

students. So he had to sleep and only the rabbi was one who could defeat it. So he had to sleep under one of their beds so that he could kill this dragon it was a dragon and i asked my rabbit about that i'm like what the fuck is this all about uh it's my wife what's going on there's no such thing as dragons this is all under this bed to suck your cock and that's how i killed the dragon yeah he said there was a rash there was a rash of jerk-offs going on

and the only way this he said they can't really write that out in the talmud so they had to metaphor it really there was a rash of jerk-offs and the only way to stop't really write that out in the Talmud so they had to metaphor it really it was a rash of jerk offs and the only way they could stop it is the rabbi

hiding under their bed saying I caught you you're masturbating wow so the dragon that was killing off the children was just them

masturbating it was a desire to masturbate oh my god it was killing off their spiritual selves holy shit that's hilarious

but it's not written that metaphor is not explained it's just it's just assumed yeah and you have to ask someone who understands the text yeah or rashi would like stuff about it if you can understand that that's so crazy well how would that in the future people would just think it's just craziness this was an oral tradition too it wasn't even written down someone just had to tell you that story wow that's what they wrote down when they thought they were going to lose it all that's amazing yeah wow that is a great fucking story you think i've been making that up but i'm really not it's hilarious yeah it is we're so crazy and people you know i whenever we have these conversations about uh religion

it's uh really interesting because i get so many angry tweets. People get angry. They get so mad. You're being an idiot. There's literally zero proof for it. There's zero proof ever. And there's nothing else in your life that you will entertain a conversation over when there is zero proof. Nothing. That's the only thing. If someone tried to invent any of those religions today, you would laugh at them. Yes.

You'd say this is a cult. But somehow we can't because everyone's involved in it. But it's ridiculous what you're doing. Completely ridiculous. And I say that it's the enemy of progress. Because that's not on the table anymore. Everything is on the table. As far as what is the possibility for the future.

Cloning, are we allowed? What is subatomic particles? What are in black holes? Everything is really on the table. Up up to discovery until it comes to religion and with religion that's not on the table yeah if you if anything is off the table like that like stem stem cell research or things along those lines of religion yeah because of religion especially when you can get stem cells from skin i mean they're at a point now where you don't you don't need to have embryos you don't need to encourage people to have abortions like they thought the worst case scenario would ever be.

That people would be encouraged to kill their babies because stem cells from the aborted fetuses would be very valuable. That's not even necessary anymore. They've passed that and the argument is still there. Because of our belief in a God. Yeah. Something that was invented so long ago doesn't apply to you anymore. Even if it was invented for a reason, it doesn't apply to you anymore even if it was invented for a reason it doesn't apply to you anymore it's the most ridiculous thing is that if this god did exist that he wouldn't tell you while you're fucking up left and right and surely

sending yourself to hell just weird little signs yeah he would just wait there wait there and go listen i'm when you get up here i know this life has been confusing and everybody's full of shit and they've been telling you these crazy stories but if you don't listen to them once you get up here the infinite wisdom is going to fucking cook you. Yeah. I got mad, God, when I started thinking

about this stuff. It was like, what the fuck? So you're telling me that everyone either goes to heaven or doesn't or gets rewarded

on the next plane or doesn't based on, you've never been explicit and just said I want you to do this? You're just supposed to guess it?

Yeah. My Protestant friends were like, if you don't accept Jesus you're going to hell. And I'm like, but your parents were Christian. So you're a better chance of accepting jesus than mine so just because randomly my parents were jewish i'm gonna burn in hell for

eternity it's ridiculous it's ridiculous like god wouldn't just god intervene and say listen parents you're teaching your children wrong this is what i like yeah like i like them if you're a native american yeah a hundred years after jesus came yeah you never to worship my son if you're a Native American a hundred years after Jesus came you've never heard of him but if you don't accept him you're going to hell you had no chance you go to hell

just go to hell burn it forever for your sins you know what they say? well some people believe that Jesus actually went to America and so he like told them like one time and then left and so that was enough for generations

your Protestant friends told you this? yeah the only story that I've ever heard It's so stupid. about Jesus in America was the Mormons. The Mormons. Yeah.

They believed that he fucking, he was the, that's where the American Indians came from. They were lost. Lost Jews. Lost Jews. This is it. This is me.

I'm an Indian. Indian. This is who I'm looking at. That's an Indian. That's not ridiculous. I used to have a joke about it, but I never really formed it, but this is who I'm looking at that's an Indian that's not ridiculous I used to have a joke about it but I never really formed it but this is what it was

there's other parts of that same book that say what the Mormons did I've told you this right yeah where they said he went to the moon with

yeah with more with more Hebrew people and started a race of people called the Lunarians no where they still live to this day

no yes or at least they were saying that until we went to the moon. And then we're like, what's up? Where's the Lunarians? They said, and here's my thing, they didn't answer,

they just stopped teaching it. But this is what they said. It's like, oh, well, when we made that up, we didn't think anybody would actually go to the fucking moon to call us on it. It was like 200 years ago.

We're like, oh yeah, go take your golden lie to the moon and call me on my lie. It's so funny. It's so preposterous. Where're like, oh yeah, go take your golden lie to the moon and call me on my lie. It's so funny. It's so preposterous. What are they doing up there? There's no atmosphere. We didn't know any of that. We didn't know shit.

He was 14. Joseph Smith was 14 when he created all this shit. When he said he found the gloss tablets, the golden tablets that only he could read because he had a seer stone. He had a magic stone that he was looking at. That's who's going to be the next Republican president for Canada.

He believes in all that. That's Mitt Romney. Isn't that hilarious? Uh-huh. Have you seen the trailer for Prometheus? Speaking of ridiculous science fiction. No, a movie? The new Ridley Scott movie.

The prequel to Alien. Oh, no, really? Don't watch the trailer. Why? It gives away too much. Don't watch the trailer. They give away just too much going on in the trailer. There's a few spoilers, but God damn, does it look good.

Ooh, it looks good. Is it like a Weaver shaved her head? No, she's not in this, man. Charlize Theron. It's a prequel. It's a prequel. Oh, yeah, she wouldn't be in it yet. She wouldn't be in it.

She couldn't. Charlize Theron is the new badass chick. Dude, it is. It's not bad. It looks fucking tremendous. Really? I won't watch it then. Oh, it looks so good. It looks so good. It's, won't watch it then. Oh, it looks so good.

It looks so good. When is it coming out? June. My dick is hard until June. We were talking about Doug Benson that one time, the trailers that ruin stuff for you, where there'll be a scene that says, you thought I was dead, didn't you?

Yeah. He's not dead. Yeah, they try so hard to get you into the movie. It really pisses off a lot of the people. I'm sure the directors must get so like, what? Yeah, you fuckheads. You gave away huge plot points. There's some movies

that it's almost useless to go see them. Like, you know what's going to happen. Yeah, the first 20 minutes when it's setting up, you're like,

I know you're going to become poor. I know how the movie goes. I saw it. Just get to it already. I love going to a movie that's supposed to be really good and you don't see any previews for it.

It's rare that that happens, but man, when it does happen, it's great. It happens a lot for me now because I just download everything so it it's like there's no commercials. So I miss commercials for things. This fucking Prometheus looks so good.

I love a good science fiction movie written by... Yeah. When you have Ridley Scott at home, it's like, come on, this is going to be tremendous. He's really good at it. There's not enough of those. They need avatars every couple months. Something along those lines, something badass like that. There's so enough of those. They need avatars every couple months. Something along those lines. Something badass like that.

So many crap, crapular ones. Terrible ones. Can't wait for Avengers. I thought that maybe I was getting cynical because movies aren't good anymore. But maybe it's just me getting older and maybe my parents said the same thing. Then I looked at Rotten Tomatoes,

which is just an amalgamation of all the... You know what it is. Just different. And it was like the last nine box office was like got shitty reviews got under 60 and i'm like that means nobody likes anything that's out it's not just me it's terrible movies man i know it's hard especially hard when you got a bunch of different people involved think about how much money it costs to make a movie like the avengers there's fucking millions and millions of dollars on the line as far as like they have to spend and then the potential profit is millions and millions of dollars on the line as far as like they have to spend and

then the potential profit is millions and millions more so there's so many people with so much say trying to say like don't it's amazing anything gets done could you imagine just this podcast or the way these conversations go what if we had somebody in our ear and every time we started bringing up a certain conversation like cheese it with the they're the best of the white stuff stop it stop it with that ari gently guide it away from that conversation back up on that and that's what it happens you know like look i've been doing the ufc for you know how long fucking who knows yeah is it weird to have them in 97 it's very rare does anybody say anything but once we started going on fox

yeah the the producer actually had to tell me in my ear the fox executive's like tell me take it down tell me take it out like when i get, like, tell them to take it down or not. Tell them to take it down. Like, when I get excited about something, the way I get excited about it, it's natural. And I'm pumping it up. But I'm actually fired. Of course they like it.

But these fucking dummy executives, everybody, I'm not saying the Fox ones, I'm saying pretty much a huge group of, a huge percentage of the group of people that is in the producer position a lot of them think that they're creative also you have to guess what everyone's going to be exactly the most people are going to be you can't tell me how to deliver the way i deliver i'm delivering i've

been doing it forever they like it or they don't most people like it if you don't tough shit if it doesn't sound like your fucking baseball guys your basketball guys it's not supposed to you know it's not it's not supposed to it's a different fucking sport and this is the way i do it if i was doing football i probably wouldn't do this yeah you're lucky i don't curse well i'm lucky i got the job really i'm lucky too but the whole idea behind going in and like saying oh we're gonna fix all this and fix all that like that's what happens in movies yeah that's what happens on tv shows that's what happened it would happen to this podcast you're good at hiring a lighting guy yeah if we brought in production people and we said we're going to move the podcast to studio

and baba he likes you to produce this just sort of take take some of the strain away from me you know if you're having anything to say just talk in my ear man this is like hey man i'm thinking you better take digits change that subject this is a bad subject could you imagine uh-huh you imagine how fucking crazy we would go if you know if someone like there was an O'Brien moment

and someone would go hey man you guys gotta stop that that's why I hate commercial breaks there's like podcasts that do commercial breaks

that's so stupid I'd rather do it up front just have a conversation you know don't every few minutes be like and now we'll be right back

well no one's doing it well these commercials are okay because you're just talking it out and we do get them out of the way Bill Burr does that

he went on a rant for when he did flowers.com or something yeah he just went on a rant because it was Valentine's Day coming up

he was like yeah you gotta buy your girlfriend flowers go to flowers.com and get whatever he goes why the fuck is that still a thing

oh like they don't get any enjoyment out of it either the sex we have to buy them that still just goes on this tangent for like 15 minutes and then back anyway so go to flowers.com oh that's perfect yeah any enjoyment out of it either. The sex. We have to buy them? That still just goes on this tangent. Anyway, so go to flowers.com.

Oh, that's perfect. Yeah. That's sort of how we would do it. Yeah. That's a way better way to do it. That's way better, yeah. Yeah. I'm glad he's doing it. As a comic, he's the same the way I feel.

It's like you don't want to have to say the same thing over and over again. Well, you're doing commercials now too. How are you doing your commercials? At the beginning. At the beginning. I'll say what the episode's about i'll say the stuff into my stand-up and then the sponsors but do you do you elaborate on the sponsors at all like how are you doing what he's into it's like an amazon deal or gamefly. and you and you're doing it like uh do you do it like the way we're doing it like you just start talking whatever you yeah i just mention it yeah and just say this is the deal i hate bothering people so i usually

express that like i hate bothering people, so I usually express that. Like, I hate bothering people, but like, anyway, this will get me money. You know, people have complained about it, but that's just a certain percentage of the people who are going to complain about it every day.

I feel like they're used to radio, though. And on radio, there's tons of commercials all the time. Right. I know we're not the same thing as radio, but it's similar. But it is the same thing. It's a conversation.

I mean, most of these people who are listening to this thing, they could easily be listening to the radio. Yeah, it's very similar. A lot of themiphones or ipods in their cars is a huge percentage of the people that are listening to this show yeah because everybody has a little hookup now it's so easy to have a usb port every you know most new cars like some like fords i know your car picks it up bluetooth so you can have a live car you can stream it from your phone you know by the way if you don't have that in your car there's something that i recently purchased

and it's like this thing that you put in your car and it's got three speakers and it just goes right on your visor and it automatically connects bluetooth and it connects to bluetooth at once and uh it can either just stream music to it and also you can you know take calls on it so you if you don't have it in your car i got this for i think 129 dollars i'll put it on my website but it's it's good it's most people have that look right from like yeah i'm like a phone to the car if they have if it's a music phone right and in california it's the law like i know in ohio you're still fucking driving around making phone calls but like a lot of places you can't do that anymore yeah you can get tickets there are people looking for people on phones

every day you're not allowed to text either. When you shouldn't, God damn it, it drives me crazy when I see someone looking down their phone while their giant metal machine is hurling 60 miles an hour.

I'm like, you know, 60 miles an hour, you can cover a lot of God damn distance in a couple of seconds. Yeah. And if you know anything about accidents,

that's how shit happens. It happens like on its own out of nowhere. Boom. I was, I was, I was, yeah,

last accident I had, I was drunk and i was i was texting trying to get to the converse before last call without my glasses on without your glasses and some some some cab stopped and you don't expect to stop for no reason how hard you hit him i saw it last second stopped enough it still smashed him and then somewhere a cop pulled over and was like and i was trying to give him the wave off like we're good we got this covered right but it was like completely because i looked away from the road the cop waved off i waved off the cop like he was slow down like do you guys need any help but like we're you know i gave him a sign of like we're handling this like adults we're just exchanging insurance good for you all hammered panicking sweaty trying to live

heart beating your chest also wondering if i get back what am i gonna pull out a breathalyzer i'm gonna be able to get my set? That's what happens when you drink and drive. But texting and driving is super similar. You just look away from the road. It's real bad. I've done it a few times here and there, but I rarely do it.

I do it all the time. Of course you do. You've never done it since this accident, right? Drink and drive? Yes. I left a Stan Hope show. I don't know if that was before or after. And that one,

I think that might have been the last one. Because nothing happened to that one. I was beyond lit up. I couldn't know if that was Before or after And that was That one I think that might have Been the last one Because nothing happened To that one I was beyond lit up I couldn't stay to the end Really I needed to get air

And you drove home And I drove home And I kept telling myself That if I get to the store And I only live a few blocks Away from the store If I get there I'll just pull over there

But I'm like What are you talking about It doesn't make any sense Yeah you're a block away From the store That's 95% That's 95% of the way there Dude

Why did you drive that Obliterator I was drunk and i could not make the right decision i made the wrong decision and luckily nothing happened how hard was it to stay in the lanes i think i concentrated hard i managed to do it but i shouldn't i it wasn't like i've driven drunk before like i think i'm gonna handle this but like almost everybody has but this was not one of those times that's scary dude i hate hearing that yeah yeah everybody out there learn from ari don't do that

shit that's a terrible thing yeah it's scary it was control your body man you have less control and you want to feel like you have control but you don't and you're driving a giant death machine giant that's what it is everyone does it everyone drives a little drunk but it's like you know not everyone does it man i try really hard not to do to do it. But it's certainly a fucking problem. I remember in high school, though, I used to have like a one drink and I'm done rule. I don't know if you guys had that. But that went away. It's a great rule.

Yeah. No, I have had those. Especially if I'm driving. If I'm doing a show, I can have a beer, maybe two beers on stage. But if I know I've got to drive afterwards, it's the worst feeling in the world. You've got to sober up. But Sam Kinison said it the best. Well, you can't leave your car there.

How are you going to get your car home? Something like that. Get a towed. Yeah, that's not realistic for most people. No, most people, it's not. Vancouver, I don't know about all of Canada, but Vancouver at least, they have super strict laws, so people just don't do it. Yeah, I think that's one of the great things about living in New York City,

that everybody's just hopping in cabs. Cabs and subway homes. Yeah, cabs, subway, you don't have to be responsible for being hammered. Yeah. But then you have to live in New York City. Which I don't think I'm willing to do. We're going to be there. We're going to be in New York in May, right?

When is it, Brian? May 4th. May 4th? Yeah. But the big, the most, oh, this weekend we're at the Comedy and Magic Club too are you going to do it no maybe I can just do Friday

okay what night you want to do Friday night yeah which show both shows yeah I guess so okay look that's how quick we roll

ladies and gentlemen that's how we make decisions and Saturday little Esther doesn't know yet but I'm going to ask her to do it with me and Duncan so you're going to do just Friday yeah

little Esther and Duncan Friday so Ari and Duncan on Friday and Little Esther, if she wants to do it, and Duncan on Saturday. This weekend, Comedy Magic Club. But the big one is 420 in Atlanta. That's my fucking special. I'm taping it. This is the best shit I've ever had. I could have taped a special a year ago.

Yeah, you were ready a long time ago. I've never been this... I did an hour and 40 minutes the other night, and it was just all material. Really? Yeah. ago yeah you were ready a long time ago i'm fuck i've never been this like i've got a like i did an hour and 40 minutes the other night and it was just all material really yeah just all like yeah i got a lot of shit i went i went through all of it and i don't think i still i still don't think i did everything i still have some other stuff that i have to that i've written down that i like like sort of abandoned along the way and yeah i have to figure out where to put certain things i want to try it too it's like if you didn't get back to it it's like okay i didn't i'll maybe i'll start from here

from you know for the next year yeah yeah like this never got good yeah there's some bits well there's some bits i can't keep doing yeah you're just done with them you're sick of it right yeah i gotta get rid of them even if i don't they don't make it to the special i'm getting rid of them yeah but uh just holding you back creatively after a certain amount of time exactly so. So April 20th at the Tabernacle. Say it, Brian. Tabernacle. After Tabernacle. How about Tabernacle? In Atlanta.

Can I mention three dates? I got three big dates. Yeah, fuck yeah. What do you got? I got Vancouver 29th through the 31st. Oh, shit. Where at? The Comedy Mix.

Ooh, one of the best clubs in the world. Yeah, that's a big show. So when is that? April what? No, March 29th through the 31st. March 29th

through the 31st Comedy Mix in Vancouver. Yeah. Ari Shafir, who are you working with? I don't know. They've got to give me someone there. They've got a good local scene. Yeah, I think so.

Yeah, there's a lot of good comics. We were up there. Me and Segura did sets there last time we were there. Oh, yeah. And they had a great local scene. Yeah, sure. They've got a lot of funny comics. It's a big fun city.

Anywhere west coast. Yeah, Vancouver is awesome. It's one of the greatest cities in the world it wins like greatest city in the world all the time yeah yeah it's very friendly and worldly it's beautiful it's west coast they're all chill back and laid back food's incredible some of the best restaurants jesus christ we've had some incredible steaks at that place yeah vancouver is amazing that's that's that's one of my favorite places to go ever so you're there March 29th through the 31st.

And that comedy mix is the downstairs of a hotel. Yeah, that's the old Yuck Yucks that we did once a long, long time ago. Yeah, it's a great spot. It's a perfect size. It's close to the area of downtown wherever it goes out. It's like two blocks away. It's a perfect size club. That place is amazing.

And then I think I'm doing an album. Oh, shit! I think I'm going to try again to take that thing. So the first one didn't work out? No, they just didn't get there in time. They just fucked up the recording too much. I didn't want to do it wrong. What'd they do?

They missed the first three days. What? They just didn't come. Why not? They weren't organized. So they were supposed to be there and they never got there? Yeah. Oh, who was this?

I don't know if I should say or not. Don't say. Yeah, but it was just really shitty. Were you still working with them? No, they were like, you want to do it again? I'm. Wow. Who was this? I don't know if I should say or not. Don't say. Yeah, but it was just really shitty. Are you still working with them? No, they were like, you want to do it again? I'm like, I think I'm just going to do it on my own. I don't want to try this again. What the fuck?

It was really frustrating. They weren't there Wednesday, weren't there Thursday. Oh, and you're killing. Yeah. And Thursday was a super conservative crowd at Edmonton, but they laughed super hard at all the cleaner jokes. Right. And I was like, that's the best reaction those clean jokes have ever gotten.

Right. Like, I would have liked to have had that down. And then Friday they, that's the best reaction those clean jokes have ever gotten. Right. Like I would have liked to have had that down. And then Friday, they sent somebody and we didn't know the system. And then Saturday, there was all this feedback

from the soda machine. Oh, no. So they just couldn't use two full bits. I was like, I want them. Yeah, that shit's annoying. It's hard to fucking get

a special down. There's a lot of pressure to just have that moment be just like a real show. Yeah. So that's why I'm doing a lot of shows between now and that moment be just like a real show yeah you know so that's why I'm doing a lot of shows between now and then

if you see me like adding shows that's exactly what's going on trying to get ready yeah that's why I'm doing that's why I'm doing Hollywood I'm doing the improv

April 13th 14th and 15th the Hollywood California not California rather Hollywood

Florida the one with the hard rock So that's April 13th, 14th And then the 20th Oh, and Louisiana We're doing the improv In Louisiana Is it Louisiana Improv?

In Louisville, Kentucky Did I say Louisiana? I did Jesus Christ Who lets me talk? How do I have a living talking? Tabernacle Tabernacle 30

3.30 March 30th Through April 1st We're at the Louisville Louisville Kentucky Improv You just do as many sets as you can And get like right in groove I'm just trying

I'm getting up like crazy I'm just going to get up Every weekend All week Everywhere Just going to just bang it out And listening to sets Doing a lot of writing too

And I'm also preparing For the next stuff so i'm sandwiching in new bits yeah and i find out when i do that i make uh my older bits better anyway i'm just it makes my whole set better when i'm when i'm jamming new shit i had a friend asking about this it goes sometimes mike stork he was like sometimes i feel like if i do these old bits i make them longer and i can add stuff to them yeah but my my theory with that is you would new stuff, that new creative stuff that you put into that, you would put into the other new bit. Yeah, absolutely. You would just make your other bits better. There's both.

I think that a bit can cook for a certain amount of time. Then after a while, it's done. It's done. Sometimes it's not done and you're like a year into this bit. But then in the next year, you'll come up with all this great new shit to go along with it. Now it becomes like a real piece that you're proud of. And then you let it go. It's all in knowing when to let it go.

It's hard. Friday, I'll be at the Ice House with Joey Diaz and Doug Benson for the Ice House Chronicles. Yeah, bitches. And the Ice House Chronicles, by the way, are available only on iTunes under the Death Squad label. It's all free and everything and it's death squad dot tv dot tv and that last one we did with greg uh fitzsimmons and uh joey diaz brody stevens little esther we just put it up so that's great boom so joe that's it this weekend i'm at the comedy magic club in hermosa beach on friday night with ari shafir and duncan trestle

and on saturday night duncan and little esther And on Saturday night, Duncan and Little Esther. Come on down, you dirty bitches. And then, of course, all the other information is available on JoeRogan.net. The big one, though, is the Tabernacle in Atlanta, April 20th. It's going down. Two shows. The first show is essentially sold out. It's way cooler to be there for a taping like that. Yeah.

Just say you were there. This is my best one. I'm coming out guns blazing. This is my best shit ever. And I'm going to release it Louis C.K. style on the internet. Just say you were there. This is my best one. I'm coming out guns blazing. This is my best shit ever. And I'm going to release it Louis C.K. style on the internet. Five bucks. Gingerly.

My last big date that I got to say is Dallas. Dallas. Addison. Addison Improv. When is that? Second week of April. That's a huge spot for you, man. That's awesome.

I'm glad. Addison Improv's letting me in and saying, let's see how well you do. We're going to have you on that week. Crush that. What is it again? Addison Improv. When?

April, let's say 11th through the 14th. And they can get this information. 12th through the 15th, April, Addison Improv. And they can get this information on AriTheGreat.com. AriTheGreat.com. It's all right there. And follow Ari on Twitter. Ari Shafir.

S-H-A-F-F-I-R. You fucking savages. All right. Thanks, man. Thank you, everybody. Thank you, Ari. It's always fun. Thank you, everybody tuning in.

Thank you, all the powerful people. Everyone should tweet if they're there at your show, at the show. Tweet if they're there. You should call it like 420 Rogan or something. Get a hashtag thing going. Get a hashtag? Yeah. What should it be?

Okay. 420 Rogan? Yeah. 420 Rogan. Why not? Rogan's what you first said. Rogan 420. Yeah.

Yeah. 420 Rogan. Yeah. 420 Rogan. Okay. So that's the new hashtag. 420 Rogan. That's leading up to the special.

April 20th. Yeah. Yeah. Beautiful. All right. Well, so that's the new hashtag. 420 Rogan. That's leading up to the special. April 20th. Yeah, beautiful. Well, I'm fucking writing every day for this thing. I'm geared up. I'm ready to rock and roll. I've never been more prepared to do a special or more excited to do a special. I'm just excited about comedy right now. Part of it has been doing a lot of these sets at the Ice House and doing the Ice House Chronicles

and doing these podcasts. I'm just excited about everything, man. I've never been happier. I'm in the groove, bitches. All right. Thank you to the Fleshlight. Please go to joerogan.net. Click on the link for the Fleshlight.

Enter in the code name Rogan, and you will save 15% off. And today, this is the last day. Today is Monday, March 19th. At midnight, this will expire. But until then, if you go to onn it.com and enter in the code name try it you will save 35 off single 30 count bottles um uh otherwise if you use the word rogan you will save 10 off all orders that's the deal bitches please support our sponsors please keep listening please keep coming to our shows because the people that's why you're more into it that's

why you're grooving now yeah because these Because of these people listening. Yeah, man. There's a movement going on here. There's some crazy shit going down, Ari Shafir. Don't you feel it? I do feel it. You're fucking headlining all over the country now,

all over the world. You're international. I finally sort of feel fulfilled. This is awesome. As an artist, yeah. People are like, aren't you afraid of being on the road all the time?

I'm like, no. Yeah. You're professional. I love it. Yeah. Ari's selling out, bitches. Get in there. Go get some. That's it. We will see you selling out, bitches. Get in there. Go get some.

That's it. We will see you guys on Wednesday with, we don't even fucking know yet. We don't even know who the guest is. Sasquatch. There's several options. They're getting Sasquatch. I'm trying. I've been trying for years.

See you guys. Thank you. Love you. Bye. Thank you.