The Joe Rogan Experience - #1973 - Joey Diaz

Episode Date: April 21, 2023

Joey Diaz is a stand-up comic, actor, author, and host of the podcast "Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz." Look for his new book, "Tremendous: The Life of a Comedy Savage," on May 2, 2023. www.joeydiaz.net

The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night. All day. Jamie looking yoked. Like a motherfucker. Hitting balls across the fucking desert. Yeah, he's addicted to that golf. I should see him out there with the simulator.

He told me he was out in the backyard. Good for him, man. You still won't hit a golf ball? I've hit a couple golf balls. I'm just not going to play golf. Okay. I'm scared. Of what?

Get addicted to it. They're all addicted. Ron White, Tony Hinchcliffe, him, all these guys. They're addicted. Look at him. He's over there jonesing. They go every day?

You guys go every day? He's on the simulator every day. They give a motherfucker can whack a golf ball. It's like shooting jump shots, though. You got to practice the jump shot. Yeah, you got to practice the jump shot. Tremendous. Tremendous.

How long did this take you to do? 22 fucking years. Jesus. And then I hooked up with Erica Florentine, Jimmy's niece, and she put it all together for me And I'm happy I did it and got it over with Nice I got all that shit off my fucking chest

Joey Diaz is an author Look at this I bet this is great I've heard most of these stories I'm sure But I don't know what you You know with you I always think I've heard all the fucking stories and then another one

pops up you know if you really could like document everything you've been through in your life like no one would believe it they don't believe it

people still sometimes don't believe some of those stories we on? yeah we're on good to see you the one thing that writing it

and reading it I did the audio book oh nice I did the audio book. Oh, nice. I did the audio book. How was that? Good. And everybody said it's going to suck. I go, give me three hours a day.

Give me a space in between. And I'll go in there and just knock it. I knocked it off in two and a half weeks. Nice. But once I read it, like, you know, because it's been on your head for a long time and shit. Once I read it, I only got one thing out of this book. I got my money's worth.

When they picked me for a life, I got my money's worth. Whether it was good or bad, you know what I'm saying? Whether it was good or bad, I got my money's worth out of this life. If I get hit by a plane tonight, I'm good. Seriously, that's what I came up with. Adventures, fucking stories. I was the biggest loser how many times I started over. If you read that book, I must have started over 60 times.

You know, just move. Pick up, move, and go to another town and rob them blind. And then pick them up and go back. I was like a fucking yo-yo, man. Yeah. I was very unsettled. You were unsettled when I met you. Very.

It was so funny because I remember I was talking to some guys the other night in the green room about when I met you. I was like, I had come to L.A. and I was just so not used to actors. I was so not used to those kind of people. But I was so used to, like, comics and degenerate pool hall people. And then I met you and I was like, oh, I, comics and degenerate pool hall people. And then I met you. And I was like, oh, I know you. This is a combination. Like, I knew you.

I knew you right away. You and I became friends like that. Quickly. Like that. I remember, like, there's so many people that got weirded out by you. It was so funny when I bring you around, like, news radio. With the leather jacket. Joey would go with, Joey was building a football

player back then and you would go into the fucking, the green room where all the executives and you were eating all the shrimp cocktail. They were scared to say anything because like that room was separated from everybody else's green room. So they had their

own thing where they'd go in there and everything was catered and beautiful and champagne, and you just strolled in there and started eating shrimp cocktail. They're like, who's this criminal-looking fellow who's eating our shrimp cocktail? Well, they had the table with the regular food, and I remember they had chili. I'll never forget that.

They had the best chili in the world. I was broke, I was hungry, and I must have ate 10 bowls of it. And then I looked over and there's all these little white dudes with, you know, ha, ha, ha, ha. You know, I'm like, what the fuck? And they had the jumbo shrimp. So I walked right in there, right past them. And I just started mingling with them. Great show.

Great script. Tremendous actor, Andy Dick. And that was it. And then they came to you and you were dying to laugh. And you're like, Joe, you can't. They just, boom. And then the time with the man show. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, we had some times with that one. I think the first, like, eight years you were like, I don't know if I can handle this guy. What are you talking about? I did my best. Do you remember Stand Up New York with Sussman when I went off on the owner? You remember that? Oh, yeah. During August, for fear of fact,

and we went in there, and he's like, you're not going to get a spot tonight. I go, I didn't ask for a fucking spot, you asshole. He just looked at me and Sussman was like, what the fuck, Joey? I didn't like that dude, so. But no, at the beginning, I know that you were, like, shaking your head a lot. This guy's mad.

Yeah, but it made me comfortable. I love being around you because I know people like you. I understand you. Like, I didn't understand actors. It made me so uncomfortable because I never knew who they really were. I never knew what they really thought. They were never, like, present with you. Not all of them, you know, but it was just like

there was enough of them out there that were trying to make it in Hollywood and they were putting on a show for everybody, everywhere they went. So you never really knew who they were. You know, with you, I was like right away, I was like, oh, I know guys like you. Like right away.

It was rough those couple years because I would go to meetings and stuff and people would go, I don't know. Yeah, you were rough. You were rough and stuff and people would go, I don't know. Yeah, you were rough. You were rough. Rough. I was like, I don't know. And then I remember I went to HBO.

Somebody got me a meeting at HBO like in 98. And I had no success at all. Like I wasn't having any success at all except for the comedy store. And I went to that meeting and something, like I went with actors and agents, and you know how proper they are. This is an idea about the future of this show, and I could just

take it for so long, and I just went. And I talked about growing up in a funeral parlor, picking up bodies, going to fucking JFK and bringing the bodies back and slinging them in the mouth the guy's body, the mouth would open on the body because my friend had a funeral parlor

and they were like, hold on one second, this is stunning and I just started going off on them and they're like we want to hear more, put these together in notes for me and I was like okay and then after the new year I gave them the notes and I was on fire I didn't tell anybody about this.

Some guy hip-pocketed me and took me to a meeting. And that was six feet under. Oh. So we were on. I was like, okay, okay. And they were like, we don't know if this is going to work. But then they turned me down. They go, we like the idea, but funeral ideas haven't worked.

This went on for like two months. And then six months later, fucking Six Feet Under came out. They just took your idea. I don't know. I don't think they took my idea. I thought they had it in development. But my idea was completely different. It was about two hoodlums who worked at a funeral parlor.

It wasn't about whatever that show turned out. But I think the concept is just constantly handling dead people. There's something about that that never was really covered before. That's got to affect the way people see life. I remember the first time I saw my grandfather was in an open casket. And the first time I saw his body, I remember immediately, it was very interesting. Because one of the first things I felt was like, oh, he's not there.

You know, it's not just that someone's not alive anymore. Like, he wasn't there. That was when I started wondering, I wonder if a soul is a real thing. I wonder what that is, that concept of what is the force inside of someone that causes them to be alive. You sense it when you're around them. Because the strange thing about dead bodies is not just that they're a human body that's dead.

It's also that there's no one there you know i'm saying like you have a feeling that's very intangible there's a feeling when you're around a person like there's a person there when the person's not there it's like oh he's not there there's no energy there's nothing coming from the body there's no nothing it's not as simple as the heart's not beating and the lungs aren't catching oxygen it's something more it's like you feel it you know i don't know if it's not as simple as the hearts not beating and the lungs aren't catching oxygen. It's something more. It's like you're feeling You know, I don't know if it's real and it's also when you're looking at a body. That's in an open casket It's been drenched in formaldehyde and covered in makeup. It's very odd very odd Now they say that when you die you lose how much pounds? I don't think that's real.

21 grams? Yeah, 21 grams. That's a movie that a dude made. Let's see if that is that. What was that based on? That was based on some sort of a study. But from what I understand, it's not real. I don't think your soul would weigh anything.

Why would it have to weigh anything? It's just a spirit. Yeah. It's just an energy. Does electricity weigh anything? You want me to tell you something, man? I grew up going to a lot of wakes early. When you watch the Sopranos, they go to a wake every other week.

In Jersey, you're in a wake every other week. I've been there three years, and I already could have gone to like 18 wakes. I've been to maybe two or three of them. But in three years, wakes are big. But look at the whole process of a wake. I would never let my daughter go to a wake now until she's 18, just because the effects it did to me. I don't remember my father's wake, but I remember my friend's wakes from grammar school, and I remember my mother's wake.

And those three wakes fucked me up to the point where somebody else died when I was like a junior or a senior in high school and I didn't go to that wake. Like I was like, I'm enough of a wake. I've had enough of wakes. I don't think it's healthy. I don't know. For me, it wasn't.

I got exposed to it at a young age and it just, it wasn't healthy, man. It fucked with me for a long time. I watched The Exorcist. It didn't fuck with me as long as those, as much as those caskets fucked with me. So when my buddy had the funeral parlor years later, I volunteered for the job because I didn't want to have that creepiness between us and that eliminated. I saw how he responded to it. It was like an everyday thing. It was like you lifting kettlebells, him picking up a dead body, putting him down.

I saw how he— You get numb. You're numb to that. Yeah. That's the—but it's so weird how it's like the number one career to get into. Really? And nobody will get into it. Think about it.

It pays off the bat. Like off the bat, if you go to school, embalming school, whatever they call it, it's like a funeral directed whole thing. They cover everything. It's like a year if you don't go to college. A year. A year to make a hundred and something thousand dollars. Think about it.

That's not bad. Yeah, if you're willing to work with dead people. If you're willing to work with dead people. My friend's funeral parlor had a fireman that did the embalming. So he would just come in and do the embalming. You know, 400 a body, whatever. I don't know what's done during the embalming. It's very sacred. I know they break the spine,

they drain the blood, they fill you with formaldehyde and shit. But that whole process, and then you go back and look at like the Aztecs and how they did. The Chinese, they put you on a boat and they float you away back and look at, like, the Aztecs and how they did. The Chinese, they put you on a boat and they float you away. They celebrate this. I think the Vikings did it right.

The Vikings did it right. Light that motherfucker on fire. Light him on fire. Everybody had their own thing, which is very interesting. The Aztecs, this, that, everybody had their own way of dealing with it. So we were on the right path. Everybody had their own way of dealing with it. Yeah.

So we were on the right path. I just don't think of going in there and sitting with a dead body for three hours and looking at them as healthy. And then I heard stories from Cuba where they had no embalming fluids and you would have to bury, your body would die and you would have to wake at your home. Oh. Like in the 40s, 20s, they had wakes at people's homes. Yeah. Without the embalming fluid. And at one point, the fucking hand would pop up,

and you'd have to break the arm to put the casket down because once that rigor mortis sets in, that arm, that's a straight, that's fucking straight strength. You're not just going to bend that arm in and do an arm bar or a kimura. It's not going to fucking happen. So they have to break the arm to put the arm down. So when I was a kid, my mother would always go, if you hit your mother, your arm pops up in your fucking casket.

So I decided I'm not going to hit my mom. Fuck that. I'm going to walk into fucking hell with your arm up like Hitler. You know, you hit your mother. Fuck you. You're the first person to tell me about the scams of the whole mortuary industry, about how much money they get you for. Like, no matter, even if you want to get an embalming, you still,

or even if you want to get someone cremated, you still have to get them embalmed. You still have to fill them with formaldehyde. And you were explaining the caskets, how they, like, guilt you into getting a nicer casket. Oh, yeah. What do you want? You want to be buried in four pieces of wood, or you want the Cadillac of caskets? How weird is that? I got one with a sunroof. It's, you know, they got everything

now. But how weird is it that people give a fuck what the box looks like that they bury you in? So strange. The things that people do to show that they cared when someone was alive. Buy a fancy box to put them in. Like, if that's me, save your money. Me too.

Yeah. I remember I had that joke, just bury me in the yard. My friend. That's how you're supposed to die. And they want a 15 grand. And I'm like, you got a yard that's huge? Yeah. That was an old joke.

I'm like, you know, you got a hard 15,000. Not only that, then the person gets cycled back into life. You become a part of the earth again. Because, like, what we're doing is very unnatural. We stop the body from decaying. So you stop bacteria from eating it. You stop the soil from being enriched by it. It's all a natural part of the cycle of life of all living things.

And we've removed ourselves from it. We've removed ourselves from it. And you could say, well, it was a good thing because you ever watch that HBO show with Dr. Michael Baden, Autopsy? Sometimes they exhume people and they find out that the wife really did it. And you ever watch that show? Fuck yeah. That fucking show was amazing.

We've had numerous conversations. In fact, they took Biden, what was his name, Michael Bowden? Michael Bowden. Bowden. He was retired and they took him back to get the autopsy on Epstein. That dude. And they found out that he had a fracture in his neck that was indicative of being strangled with a ligature. Like some sort of fucking cord.

Yeah, and this wasn't like when people hang themselves. When they hang themselves, the weight of it goes up because your body is hanging down. So it's like you're getting pulled. This was down on his neck, like low, like someone strangled him from behind. In his throat, the bones in his neck were fractured, which is also like a ligature strangulation.

Isn't it weird how that just went down still going down like it disappeared like they put galane in jail and they never released a client list that that is insane the fact that that's okay with people and you know everybody's freaking out about bud light okay you care about bud light care about bud light you should really care about that because it's showing that people that are in power can probably have people killed and probably hide evidence that they did something that people would find atrocious.

And we just never questioned it? Yeah. He died. We knew it was the fucking mystery man. I think it's good there's more of that. The more of that shit that's out there, the more people realize how fucking ridiculous it is to think's more of that. The more of that shit that's out there, the more people realize how fucking ridiculous it is to think that

these people that are in positions of power give a fuck about you. They don't. That's why I don't fuck with politics. Don't fuck with politics. I don't. It's not necessary. I don't. I don't. Because at the end of the day, it don't matter. I don't give two fucks about you. I just went off at a restaurant on Sunday. Some lady,

I don't know why people do this, some couple asked me if I was a fucking Republican. A couple asked you that? Yeah, I was at a restaurant, you know, you're at a bar, and you're eating, there's a couple next to you, and you're talking, you're watching a game, and she goes, are you a Republican or a Democrat? And I looked at her, I go, I'm a felon.

And she just shit. She goes, what are you talking about? I go, listen, I don't play that shit, okay, lady? I go, all you motherfuckers have gotten too political the last 10 years. Everybody's a political analyst. I go, I got here in 66, and I always paid attention to elections and what people said. I always did. And by the time I was 18, I realized, you know what?

These people come along every four years with the same fucking story and nothing gets done. So I chose a different path for my life instead of focusing on that. Call me when the president who says, listen, you don't have to go to work and you're going to get your balls licked all day. That's who I'm voting for. Until that fucking time, I could care less because I still got to get up and be a thief every fucking day. I still got to get up and hustle every fucking day. So what good is it? Every day they're going to lower taxes. They're going to do this. I still got to get up and hustle every fucking day. So what good is it? Every day they're going to lower taxes, they're going to do this, they're going to do that,

and I'm still getting up busting my fucking hump every fucking day. Who gives a fuck? I think a bad president is very bad. But I think a good president you just take for granted. And you don't think anything, you just go about your life. Obama was very good. There was a lot of great presidents. Yeah.

But it makes the country safer. You don't think anything and just go about it was very good. There was a lot of great presence. Yeah, yeah, but But it makes the country Safer if someone makes good decisions if someone's a good figurehead the problem when someone isn't whether it was Trump or whoever it was when when People mock them and are angry at them. It's just it's bad for morale. It's bad for everybody. I saw all that shit You don't I saw it the last two or three presidents how much as Americans we backbite When I was a kid, we didn't backbite that much Didn't backbite like the president like the press president. Yeah attack the president that much

There's a lot of people that hated Kennedy, right? Like that was one of the things about when he got assassinated. There was a lot of people that were very happy That's one of the kinkiest things in our history. Oh, my God. Who was happy? For sure, the Republicans. There was a lot of Republicans that did not like him. It was right after the Bay of Pigs.

There was a lot going on with him, and, you know, he had all this talk about secret societies and being abhorrent and that he wanted to disband the CIA. That motherfucker wanted to get us out of Vietnam. Kennedy was a different cat. He was a different cat. For all of his sexual proclivities and all the documented things of him being a freak,

they're all freaks. That's why those people became presidents in the first place. That's why they wanted power. There were men who wanted power. And men who wanted power were all like, you know, like your stereotypical man in power. Like that's, there's a reason why that stereotype exists. But when you look at what he was trying to do for the country and trying to unite people and the speeches that he gave to this day, they're fucking incredible.

Civil rights. Everything. He pissed off a lot of people. Even talking about going to the moon, just the way he phrased it. We choose to go to the moon not because it's easy, because it is hard. Like he talked about that. Like he wanted it to be like a symbol of american excellence he wanted to like set a tone for the country they shot his ass he dropped those beat he

fucked you know those cubans feel like he fucked them yes the bay of pigs cubans feel like i think there was i don't understand that story totally I've been told several different versions of it, that he was double-crossed, that they pulled out support. They pulled out their support at the last minute. Yeah. I don't know. I've heard he was an idiot, and I've heard he was a piece of shit, and I've heard, no, he got fucked.

So it's like I would have to do a deep dive. You know, it's very difficult when you're reading some versions of history because you can read a lot of versions of history that treat the Lee Harvey Oswald lone assassin stories if it's plausible you can read a lot of versions of that well, you know, yeah, I guess so But then you'll read, you know, David Lifton'sidence, and you'll be like, there's no fucking way. They killed him. They killed him. They killed him.

They fucking killed him. Let's just get that out of the way. They killed him. They didn't just kill him, Joey. For sure, someone in the CIA had something to do with it because of Jolly West's involvement. Jolly West was the guy that was the head of NK Ultra. He was the guy that dosed up Manson,

and they ran the Haight-Ashbury free clinic. The CIA ran a free clinic in San Francisco for fucking decades. And then they ran Operation Midnight Climax, where they would dose up Johns with acid. These guys would go into brothels. They'd think they'd go to have sex, and the woman would give him a drink and they're drinking acid And they just get dosed up and they'd study these guys

They did some wild freaky shit and one of the things that he did When he got when Jack Ruby shot Lee Harvey Oswald He went to visit Jack Ruby in prison and And from that moment on, Jack Ruby lost his fucking mind. He was hiding underneath the bed, saying the Jews are being incinerated. They're coming to kill us all. He was tripping balls. I think they just dosed that guy into a fucking coma. And then after they dosed him into a coma, they gave him cancer.

And he was dead like within a year Wow, and they're all it's all connected It's all connected and the idea that no one was involved in that assassination other than Lee Harvey Oswald that doesn't make any sense Even if Lee Harvey Oswald was the only one who pulled the trigger Even if that Lee Harvey Oswald was traveling back and forth to Russia. He lived in Russia He's married to a Russian woman. Like, the fact that this is in the middle of the Cold War, they're not investigating this guy. They're not...

Get the fuck out of here. I think it was a patsy, bro. I think it was a patsy. I think they set him up from A to Z. Yep. Somebody was giving him money, letting him know. It's interesting, because when... Listen, you don't want to base yourself on stupid things,

but remember that speech that that dude gave, Kevin Costner? Which one? In JFK. Yes. What was the guy's name? He was the guy that- Donald Sutherland. Donald Sutherland.

The guy from Invasion of the Body Snatchers. The guy, that motherfucker got offered a deal for Animal House. He would have been like $11 million. He took the $10,000 one payment. Really? Yeah. I read that somewhere. I still love Donald Sutherland.

It doesn't matter. Donald Sutherland was a bad motherfucker. But that speech he gave. Kiefer Sutherland's dad. Kiefer Sutherland. Ow. They already had information on him. He goes, that guy got shot.

And within 10 minutes, they already had a whole background on this guy. You know? And then he showed them the newspapers. How could the paper come out in brussels but i don't remember the whole thing but all that made a lot of fucking sense yeah newspapers were already reporting stories on him on him yeah on him who he was what his background was yeah i think he was a patsy and a very interesting thing i started listening you know when people tell you to watch a show yeah and you're like i don't want to watch that fucking show you know when people tell you to watch a show? Yeah. And you're like, I don't want to watch that fucking show. Every day.

But people tell you constantly, watch that show, watch that show. I've recently put on a show, I didn't know what to expect, Joe Rogan, un-fucking-real. What is it? Godfather of Harlem. Ooh, what's that? Not about. Ever done anything?

Not about what you think. It's that dude that played Fast Times at Ridgemont High, the brother that goes after Sean Penn, the big dude, Forrest Whitaker, the fucking great actor. Nigel Dodge. Is he already on season three? Yeah. Prequel to American Gangster. I think I just.

Oh. This show. So it's about that guy that Denzel Washington played. Yeah. So this show. But it's not what you. I don't want you to think, oh, Joey showed up here. This show, first of all, the first season, basically by Muhammad Ali in Harlem.

How? He hooked up with, what's his name? K. Malcolm X. And they already told him, listen, your name is Muhammad Ali, but we're not going to change it until you win the championship, the title, because you'll lose the white sponsors, the white devil, and all this shit. He was already with them.

But not only that story, it talks about civil rights. It goes to when they shot Kennedy. What they saw, like in Chicago, how they knew for sure was the mob and the CIA that killed Kennedy. They talk about how when Malcolm X was going to meet. I didn't know about this. He was going to do a speech at the United Nations with Che Guevara. Malcolm X.

Really? In 1965. They were going fucking nuts. And it all ties in because... And they kind of explain in the beginning. You have to tie a gangster in with political because then he blows up that pilot. Something really interesting. You know I'm a fucking moron.

I can't say this shit. And that's what they try to show you, that all these gangsters had something to do with this history yeah the guy who played that dude that blows his head off in full metal jacket what's his name vincent denofrio he plays a veto genevieve that your head will blow up something completely different i like how he cast it i like the way he cast it. He cast it outside the box.

Again, like Tony Soprano was casted. Vlad Bavito, the guy that plays Vito Cianci. He's very political in this. And that guy Giancarlo Esposito, who's a fucking G, he plays a congressman. And he's always meeting with presidents, but Bumpy's wife works for him. So it's very interesting. What's it on? It says MGM Plus.

Hulu, the first two seasons, and MGM Plus, the last season. MGM Plus is like... Is that a new one? It's like Paramount Plus. There's so many of them. There's so many of them. At the end of the week, you pay for so many. But it's an interesting show.

That's the most interesting show. You learn something. It's not about shooting and just heroin. It's all this little, you know, the Cuban dude, how all he wanted, battle that dude that we talked about with TJ English, all he wanted. He was selling coke just to take Cuba back. Like that guy was, can you imagine you coming to me going, Joey, we're going to do this, this, this. But the fucking final result of this money is me going back to Palermo to take my grandfather's village back.

This is what that battle dude was into. He just wanted to go back to Cuba. That's it. I don't want no problems. I just want to kill Fidel and go back to Cuba. I just want to kill Fidel and go back to Cuba. So they tried. They get with the CIA, and they show how many times they tried to kill Operation Mongoose,

the fucking wetsuits, the fucking cigar that explodes, all those with failed CIA attempts. How many times did they try to kill Castro? Watch that documentary 101 times. That's so great. Remember when that motherfucker walked on the subway in New York? Remember he came to the U.S.? Yeah. And he walked on. That's what they show in that. He walked on the subway in New York, Remember he came to the U.S.? Yeah. And he walked on, that's what they show in that. He walked on the subway in New York and the guy goes, you got a bulletproof vest?

And he lowers it and he goes, I got nothing on. 101 Ways to Kill Castro. Wasn't that the name of the documentary? I don't know. Forrest Whitaker's a fucking great actor, isn't he? Forrest Whitaker was in The Color of Money. He played the guy that hustled Fast Eddie Nelson. Yes, yes.

Remember when he had- Is that You're Mad? Yes. 638. He hustles him out of all this money, and at the end he goes, can I ask you a serious question? Do you think I should lose some weight? The guy was like completely broke He shattered him fast that he went in there with a big ego thinking he was this man this big-time pool hustler from the

1960s and Forrest Whitaker plays this guy that's like Super eccentric who hustles him out all his money, and then that's his fuck you at the end. Let me ask you a question Think I should lose some weight Let me ask you a question. Think I should lose some weight? Boris Whitaker's played some fucking good roles, too. Oh, yeah. That Idi Amin and that fucking, what else?

The Last King of Scotland? I don't know. He's played a lot of great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ghost Dog. Ghost Dog. And D'Onofrio. God damn, that motherfucker. That guy's been around.

That guy could act his ass off. Dog, he plays a good... And not like, hey, oh, no. He seems like a guy who would be a nightmare to have a political talk with, though. Yeah. No, he's... Like if you sit in the craft service table and he starts bringing about the Biden administration's new plans for this or that, you'd be like, oh, my God.

Hey, can I run out here and pee real quick? Yeah, go run out here and pee real quick. Yeah, hold on one second. We'll be right back, ladies and gentlemen. No worries. You got to pee before we rock the mold. No, I saw you went to the bathroom. I'm like, I should go.

I'll hold it. Fuck you. You're going to hold it. Those holding days are over with. I got to go, Jack. I got a bottle in my fucking car. You got a bottle you're peeing in? Yeah, the one from surgery, from my knee surgery three years ago.

I just took it home and left it in the back seat. That New Jersey turnpike, fuck you. I go to the gym at 10. You go to the gym, you're drinking, and then I go, let me go up north to something, a meeting or something. Dog, I got to pull over like three times. I was just pissing that thing out of light. I got it down to a science.

I put the Cuban egg roll in the bottle. I piss in it. I put it in the drink holder. I just drive like a mile. What if it Cuban egg roll in the bottle. I piss in it. I put it in the drink holder. I just drive like a mile. You hit the brakes. I pop the door open. I dump the little piss. I put paper towel

in it. I wipe it out. I take it in the back, fill it with water. And that keeps me going. That turnpike's a motherfucker. Yeah, that traffic is insane. That turnpike parkway's a motherfucker. The traffic in and out of New York City is probably the worst traffic I've ever experienced. No. That shit that we left in L.A. had its moments, too.

Yeah, that's bad, too. When the 10 goes to the 405 at 430, that was the worst I ever experienced. There's some ways into the city, though, where it feels like there's only one way. Whereas, if you're going down to, like like Orange County, there's a few different ways you can kind of skirt around it up until you get deep in. Once you get near San Diego, you're kind of fucked. You're kind of fucked. Those are the rough days.

Driving from LA to, remember we'd do like the La Jolla Comedy Store? We'd have to leave at like 1pm. You would leave at 1. I would leave at 6 and do 90 on the shoulder the whole way because if you left at 1, I would leave at 6 and do 90 on the shoulder the whole way because if you left at 1, it was still 4 hours. So either you had to leave at 6

or you had to leave at like 6 in the morning or you had to leave at like 6 o'clock at night, which would give you a 2-hour window. And I was featuring. And I would fucking make it all the time. Tell them to go long and you get down there. Do you remember I used fucking make it all the time. Tell them to go long, and you get down there.

And then I'll go, do you remember I used to make it back from San Diego in, I think, like an hour? It had to be more than that. What is it, 117 miles, I think. I would leave San Diego, La Jolla at a quarter to 12, and I would make it to my Coke dealer's house by 1 a.m. What is that? You're going 100 miles an hour, Joey. What is the distance between Los Angeles and San Diego? 101 miles.

I think it's more. So I would get on the 5. I think it's 110. Okay, I would get on the 5. Okay, this is it. Get on the 5, do 75. Once you're like five miles away from immigration where they ask you to stop for fruit, I would kick it to 100. 118.

I would kick it to 100. And then once I'd passed the fruit, I'd slow down to the speed limit. And from there to Irvine, I'd do 100. And next thing you knew, it said LA, 29 miles. Jesus. I remember I got stopped a few times. Yeah. And the cops pulled me over. You know how fucking, I remember I got stopped a few times. Yeah. And the cops pulled me over.

You know how fast you were going? But because I wasn't drinking. On Fridays and Saturday nights, were you drinking? Not at all, officer. I'm better than that. Okay. Slow down next time. Fuck you.

I got a Coke guy to meet by 1 o'clock. I got shit to do. My Coke dealer would close at 1. Aren't you glad your Coke days were before the fentanyl problem? Yeah. Jesus Christ, Joey. This is why I only do anything I get from who I know. I'm to a point now where I just deal with laughing gas.

That's it. I eat that. Mushrooms, I eat anything from them because I know where I'm getting it from. I feel a lot safer. In L.A. now, you got to be really careful with anything you touch. Even if it's prescription, you got to be fucking careful.

Well, I heard that people were buying testing kits for cocaine. Yeah. I know, it's crazy, right? You kind of have to do that. You don't have to do anything why snort coke you know

snorting coke was always a fucking Russian roulette right right but now it's even more Russian roulette now you're gonna die

of a fucking heart attack or fentanyl yeah you know so now and that goes for everything that's heroin that's prescription pills that's fucking reefer.

They're putting the netables in L.A. That's everything. Look, didn't somebody just die again from fentanyl? Coolio or something? Coolio died from fentanyl. You know, this doesn't end. So you got to really, if you, you really got to be careful what you're putting in you now. Yeah.

Thank God I wasn't doing any of that shit now. Thank God. Because, yeah, you're going to die. It's very scary. They're putting in you now yeah thank god i wasn't doing any of that now thank god because yeah you're gonna die it's very scary they're putting that into this country i mean that's all you read about how much fentanyl is coming in and how many people are dying from that so didn't they say now they're giving you narcan at home you can buy that cvs or something like that i don't know if that's the case but I know a lot of people are buying Narcan and sending it to their kids at college. It's very scary. Scary shit, man, because it's like this is not something that anybody had to deal with before.

Like this level of contamination was something that's so deadly. When you get like, I think it was like 100,000 people one year died of overdoses. Like what the fuck, man man from fentanyl tom petty died from that too yep prince tom petty now what is fentanyl fentanyl is synthetic opioids it's a very potent synthetic opioid and the amount that can kill you is so small that if you look at a penny it'd be like a tiny little piece on a penny. Like there's an image that's online, like a famous image of the, see if you can find it, Jamie, there's an amount of fentanyl that could kill you and it's next to a penny. And you look at you, holy fuck, it's the tiniest amount. So it's super, super, super potent. So, you know,

in medications it's used, but they know what the dosage is. When you're getting it from the cartel, someone's mixing it in a bathtub in Tijuana. Like, look at it. Look at that amount next to the penny. How crazy is that? That'll kill you. I mean, that's nuts, man. It's basically the amount of coke, the amount of fentanyl that's in Lincoln's beard. If you take that amount from Lincoln's beard, if you're looking at a penny, that'll kill you. That's crazy. That's a potent fucking drug. And the fact that they mix that into everything.

It's fucking nuts, man. I'm out of that. Scary shit, man. I'm out of that. Scary shit, man. And it's scary how they'll just hand out pain pills to people. Nobody just deals with pain. Everybody's got to just be zonked out all day. And I got to tell you something. I learned a very valuable lesson from those pills with my last surgery.

I learned a very valuable lesson. And the lesson is I learned that I think those fucking Oxycontins promote more pain. I really do. I really fucking do. I can tell you this now after the surgery. Because when I had the right knee surgery, okay, number one, I got to give it to New Jersey, though. New Jersey, listen, I know a pharmacist, and she tells me that she used to work in

Staten Island. When somebody goes in there for pain pills in Staten Island, they give them $100. Jesus. You know how many they give you in Jersey? How much? $19. They would give me $19 for the week.

If you're going to take them for pain every six hours, that don't add up. They didn't give you enough from the beginning. New Jersey does not fuck around. So they're worried about you becoming addicted. Yeah, the DEA went into Jersey and you can't get none of it. And you know I know everybody.

You can't get shit in Jersey. Shit. Not the way it was in LA. But Staten Island's open. Yeah, because New York State is different prescription thing. So when a doctor prescribes your Oxycontin in New York or Staten Island or for the five boroughs, they give you like 90 of them. You know?

In New Jersey, they give you 19. Dog, I thought the pharmacy was robbing me. Like, I would get home and go, where'd all the pills go? And I would sit there. Did I take? No, I just got them. My wife would give them to me. How the fuck can this?

They don't give them to you to drive you crazy no more. But I had one prescription, and then it took me three days to get another one. I just suffered. And then I took another prescription, and by the end of that week, the pain had gotten worse. And it had gotten to the point one day where it was that bone by my ankle. I guess they screwed something in there i don't know and i said you know what i'm not i got the prescription i threw him away and the pain went away so i think the pain was promoting

the pill was promoting my pain because once i threw the pain pills away i didn't have no more pain and what was the decision to throw the pain pills away, I didn't have no more pain. And what was the decision to throw the pain pills away? I don't like how they make you feel. You know, listen, you go to the dentist. I'm happy for two hours. They either give you a Vicodin or something. I could live off a Vicodin. I could go to a Dodger game or smoke a joint.

I'm good if I want to do that. It's when you do those things every day, like when you get a surgery, and they give you those things every day that's when I think it's a problem because when I took the fat ball out of my Thing that was horrible at the end of that prescription and I was a full junkie then I did not feel good Papa I did not fucking feel good It took me a couple weeks and it was you the probiotics, you do all that shit. Now let's take it back to the Xanax.

When I was on the Xanax, it was basically during the pandemic. I had 10,000 of those things at the house. 10,000? Because he was sending me 90 a month from 2012 on automatic monthly. So you just stockpiled them? They were just going in the closet. They were just going in the closet. They were just going in the fucking... When did you take it? 2012 was when I got it prescribed.

When I had my little situation at the comedy store that we goofed about, that was not good. There's no way I should be on a standing walking 10 count. That's what that was that night when I had to follow Morgan Murphy. A standing walking 10 count? I asked Pauly that night when I had to follow Morgan Murphy. A standing walking 10 count? Dog, I went up to, I asked

Pauly Shaw, I told you this story and we laughed about it, but dog, now thinking about it, I should have done something. I went to the comedy store, I'm in the back, you weren't there. I think you were coming in later. Yes, you were coming in later because on Saturdays I used to do the

close the original room. Uh-huh. Talking bullshit with Pauly, everybody's coming in later, because on Saturdays I used to do the close of the original room. Uh-huh. Talking bullshit with Paulie, everybody's in the back, no refurb, maybe a joint before I got there. You know, Saturday night, just look at the girls. I get there, they say, Joey, you're up next. I walk to the thing, and as I'm walking, I walk up the steps to the original room,

and Morgan's on stage, and Paulie's standing there laughing at her. And I walk up, and I'm like, damn, I don't fucking feel good. Like, this is not working. I was starting to get anxiety. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe. But I went to look at that window for years.

Whenever I had anxiety in the original room, I had a window. When I'm on stage, I got a window on the right, remember? And we could look out the sunset. I was always good. That day, particularly, when I went in there, I didn't see a fucking window. So I was waiting for Morgan to get off, and all of a sudden I got this anxiety,

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't fucking breathe. So I walked down the stairs just to look at the door. And I got worse. It got worse. I couldn't breathe. I thought I was gonna fucking have a heart attack. And I go, Paulie, I can't get on stage. I'm having a horrible anxiety attack.

He goes, I just went up, dude. And I walked up there, and I told you, but I didn't explain it to you correctly because I was cracking a joke. I woke up at the 12-minute mark. Mm. I remember walking past Paulie, and that's it, Joe. That's it.

And then I remember waking up on stage and people laughing, and I was probably on automatic pilot. I had a bit that it was on automatic pilot. So that's when you got on Xanax? No. It was a couple weeks. I went to the doctor, and he goes, what was that? I kept having these little panicx? No. It was a couple weeks. I went to the doctor, and he goes, what was that?

I kept having these little panic attacks. Kept having these little panic attacks, little panic attacks. But I was okay. I wasn't going to go to a psychiatrist. We were working our asses off. We didn't know what the fuck was going on. So I started taking the Xanax. And it would help it a little bit.

I would take it on the road if I went on a plane or something like that. What does it do for you? You got to remember, too. It was your walking contradiction. I'm talking about myself because you said it best. I'm eating 2,000 milligrams of THC and scaring the fuck out of myself. Right? You're walking around fucking scaring.

Then the Xanax, I would take the Xanax to calm me down off the anxiety. Come on, man. That's not going to work. Those edible weed sessions, when you do too many of them, I do think they make people very anxious. I think they just shift the pole of your brain. You know, I brought some water. I'm sure you did.

But now I eat them more to sleep. I got them on a... My big problem, Joe, is still to this day is sleep. So now two nights, three nights a week I drink a bodybuilder sleeping thing. Do you have a hard time sleeping because you're not tired? Do you have a hard time sleeping because you're thinking? I'm tired until 9.30. And I look—come on, man. It's like comedy timing. I don't want to go to bed at 9.30. Yeah I look, come on, man. It's like comedy timing.

I don't want to go to bed at 9.30. Yeah. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. I never want to go to bed at 8 o'clock. That's when you know you're almost done. Yeah. I want to bed at 8.

Fuck you, man. Yeah. I'm not looking to stay up till 4, but I'm not going to bed at 9.30. So I'm tired about 9, but I push the envelope a little bit. I like to read, maybe listen to music. 11, 11.30, I a little bit. I like to read, maybe listen to music. 11, 11.30, I'm like you. I like to read shit on the computer. 11, 11.30, I try to read at night.

I turn the TV off. Once I go up there, bro, I'm thinking about the guy who came to my house who asked me if he could take an orange, but he took three instead. He took nine. He took nine instead. And you're like, that was 11 years ago, Joey. I think about the time I bombed in the original room following Don Myrera. Like, does it matter?

I think about the time I ate a bucket of dicks in North Carolina in Chapel Hill. Does it matter? Does it really matter that you ate a bag of dicks? You know, I think of stupid shit. Yeah. And then I fall asleep eventually. I'll tell you what helped. Whoop.

I got the whoop watch to help me with recovery because I was lifting and going into jiu-jitsu and my back would hurt. So I want to figure out what kind of calories I could do, and I won't go over those. If I could do those five days a week, that's fine. But I can't go in there, burn 800 fucking calories in jiu-jitsu, and expect a deadlift the next day. I don't have that. So I got the Whoop watch. The Whoop watch put me on to sleep. It's helped me sleep better because I finally realized,

oh, you slept four hours last night. No wonder you feel like shit. So now I'm in contest with Whoop. So I got it up from four and a half hours of sleep to eight hours pretty much. Last night I only slept like five because of the flight. But I'm sleeping eight hours now. That's great. Yeah. Now I'm sleeping 1130 to eight. Don't get me wrong. Once every two weeks I have a little hiccup. I go upstairs. I think of something. I go back down. I smoke some pot. I read and I go back up and I'm all right.

But when I was doing comedy, there was no sleep, Joe. Do you want me to tell you why? Why? Eight cups of espresso a day. You know, everybody thought I would leave the store because I was going to do something bad. Do you know why I was leaving the store before midnight? Think.

Why? Because Starbucks is open till midnight in Studio City. And God forbid I didn't catch my flat white before midnight. God forbid I didn't catch my grande flat white before midnight. And then I'll call you tomorrow and tell you how I didn't sleep last night. So you were drinking coffee late into the night? We would always have espresso after dinner. Yeah, no. Now I have an espresso at 5 and I'm not sleeping. That's so weird. I could sleep right after having one.

Oh, I loved it. Because in my world, it takes you up. Yeah. So you catch it on the way down. I eat a chocolate something, I can't fucking sleep that night now. Really? I really focused on my sleep the last couple years. You know, especially since I got this whoop about 16,

17 months ago. That's what's really improved in my life is the sleep. And I've been taking naps too. If I go to jujitsu, I do the blue belt class, I need a nap check. I need a little nap from five to six, you know. That's where I am. But when I started popping the Xanax, the high point was maybe May of during the pandemic. Like I couldn't leave the house without popping the Xanax.

And then when I get in the car, I pop another one. And it would stay in your system. Thank God I wasn't drinking. And what was that doing for you, though? What's the feeling like? Calming me down. I can't take sleeping pills and I can't take the strong Xanax, so I have to take the little footballs.

But I was taking eight to ten of those motherfuckers a day. Jesus. And then when I landed in Jersey, what had happened was, you know how you and Tom had that conversation about my tolerance? Yeah. Okay. That tolerance, dog, I think, as you could tell, I think a lot about this shit.

Yeah. You had a conversation with me a couple years ago about your Romero getting punched in the face and his eye socket. And when he got into the green room, when the doctor saw him after the fight, his eye socket was healed. It was healing. Healing. Okay. I think about when you were talking about my tolerance with the edibles and stuff. Now let's get back to early Joe Diaz.

When I was a child, the doctor would have to come to my house two days in a row for years. They'd have to shoot me with penicillin on Monday and then come back on Tuesday and shoot me again because I would never take the penicillin. You know, I had a lot of problems with my throat as a kid and whatever, fucking tonsils and shit. So I was always in the hospital as a kid. I was a sickly kid till I was about eight. All those years, Joe, they would always have to shoot me two or three times with penicillin.

The same penicillin they would give you one shot of, they'd have to shoot me. So I don't know what- So you've always had a high tolerance? Always. Interesting. Except for alcohol. And even alcohol. Because I could drink something with Jamie right now

and I won't fall over. I don't want to do it. But that's what's always pissed me off about alcohol. That I could drink a few alcohol shots, feel okay, but then if I push the envelope, that's when I feel shitty. But my tolerance with alcohol

and with cocaine and alcohol, shit. I could drink a case of Budweiser, you know, cans. My friend Johnny, who had a coke problem, I always used to have to take him to the corner store, the liquor store, to get 40 ounces. He would calm himself down with like a big malt liquor. He was always trying to like bring himself down.

22 beers and it would calm you down. So when the Xanax finally What I realized when I got the jersey that yeah, I got the jersey August 9th or some on your birth August something Two days after I got the jersey I had something like a weird mild heart attack. My heart didn't stop pounding and That was because the Xanax turned on me. I didn't realize that until I went to the knee surgery. And one of the assistants caught it because I couldn't sleep. And they tried to give me something to sleep. And the chick goes, you're withdrawing.

Oh, from Benzos. She goes, you're withdrawing naturally. That's why your heartbeat's going up. That's why you're fucked up. That's very dangerous. So then she told me you have to flip it. So I had to read a journal about transitioning. You just can't quit. You can't quit alcohol, and you can't quit benzos.

Yeah. You could die. So what I had to do was take whatever I was eating which was a those things a day and work myself backwards Hmm. How long did it take you six months Wow work myself backwards, but Jordan Peterson was fucked up for a year dog It fucks with your central nervous system You don't have no idea what life is to your central nervous system is fucked with Forget cocaine forget all that shit Yeah, how's it fuck with you?

Your heart constantly beats I'm talking constantly You could be watching TV and you could see it Do you know how scary that is? You could fucking see it So your body's just freaking out that it doesn't have a system freaking out. I had to go on calm support. I had a fucking I Changed my diet. So even the six-month slowly transitioning off even that was rough. Oh So even the six-month slowly transitioning off, even that was rough? Oh, really?

Because I had to break them into two parts, the Xanax. So I would get up in the morning, eat breakfast, work out, and then pop a Xanax. And then go the whole day. I'm going to tell you why I did six months. I would go the whole day without a Xanax and then pop one at night and deal with it. Just to help me go to sleep. But that whole time, I would go to the pool every day. I would put my feet in the grass and try to, you know,

just get me back because it was central nervous system shit. A lot of tea, a lot of... So you just felt off? Oh, you feel awful. Awful. Was it fucking with your comedy? I wasn't doing comedy, the pandemic. I was just getting back into it. It was just starting to open up.

I went and did a parking lot. I did like a, it was outdoor comedy. Yeah. Rich Voss told me to go fucking do a parking lot. Me, him, and Jimmy.

Oh my God, there were fucking bats. Right? It was like in a mall outside of Jersey. There's a little stage and you could see the bats flapping behind the comics and shit. And I told Rich the next way, Rich, what's with all those bats? He goes, fuck that.

I did a gig last week. There was a bear behind us. He goes, I jumped right off the fucking stage. Jesus Christ. Those places in northern Jersey. Jersey's got a lot of bears. Everybody's doing those outdoor shows. So when I was going through all this,

I used to just sit on my bed on my hands and look straight. That's all I could do all day. You couldn't really keep a conversation. I remember Ari came down once. I couldn't wait for him to fucking leave. That's normal though, right? No. That's my brother.

That's my brother. I was happy. He brought the dog and the girlfriend. Of course, I'm kidding. I took him to Chinese food. It was great, but I couldn't wait. I couldn't keep eye contact. I couldn't fucking do much.

And I always noticed that after I took the pill, that feeling would start again. So when I went to the gym in the morning and did all that shit, I was fine. Once I took that Xanax, I felt like shit. And once I took that nighttime xanax i felt like and i cut down what's that called when you cut back a little what was that called regression regressing doses i don't know what would it be called i forget you have to cut off you have to shave i know what it is yeah i mean i can't this, you have to shave. I know what it is. I can't. You have to shave

the pill a little bit. That's what I did. And then I realized one day Tapering. I got myself I got myself what's the doctor under the doctor? A nurse? No, a doctor. They call them

something. They can give you prescriptions but they're not really a doctor. Okay. I signed up with one of those, and she put me on this plan, like just what to eat and do all that stuff. And one day I called, and I said, listen, man, I got a funny feeling that every time I take these pills, it makes me feel worse. And she goes, why? I go, because when I go to the gym, I'm feeling great. I go in there, I'm talking with people, I'm feeling great.

And she goes, what are you saying? I go, I'm going to stop taking them. Because I take Clonid, I'm feeling great. I go in there, I'm talking with people, I'm feeling great. And she goes, what are you saying? I go, I'm going to stop taking them. Because I take clonidine already for blood pressure, and that stops strokes. So I go, I'm just going to stop doing it. And I stopped. I never took a Xanax again. Wow. That was it.

But, dog, I will never eat one of those. The withdrawal was horrible, Joe. I won't wish it on anybody. Well, that's what Jordan was saying. He had no idea. You have no idea. Listen, if I was buying this shit on the street from some guy named fucking Pedro or something, then I would have a problem.

When your doctor gives it to you, you think it's normal. I did the studying. Xanax is only prescribed for two weeks. That's it. It's for short periods of time until. Xanax is only prescribed for two weeks. That's it. It's for short periods of time until they figure out what to give you. Whether to give you whatever the fuck they're going to give you. How long does it take before your body gets addicted? I don't know, Joe.

I was living through hell. There's so many of these creepy medications out there, Joey, that people are just taking. You know, there's some medications that people kill themselves. You know, I don't know. I don't know if it's even real. I don't know if it's true. Well, there's definitely medications with side effects or suicidal thoughts. I just didn't want to feel like this ever again.

And, you know, I stopped drinking. Like, I never really drank, but when I moved to Jersey, I was drinking sangrias when I went out. And one night I thought I was bad Joe Rogan. I got an Italian old-fashioned. Oh, my God, Joe. That set me back fucking. That was it.

I was done with alcohol after that. Alcohol is a dangerous one. Really? It's a little poison. A little poison every time, but it's fun. You know, I always feel bad that I don't drink. Well, I feel horrible that I don't drink. Why?

I wish I could be sociable and have a red wine, Joe. I wish I could go to dinner with you. Yeah, but it doesn't matter. No one cares. It doesn't matter. Joe, I grew up in the 70s. I know. Where you walked into somebody's house and people just gave you a drink.

Hi, Joe, do you want bourbon? Would you like a drink? Yeah. They don't have it in the 70s. They didn't have it. They took two cubes. How cool were those tables? Yeah.

Like Sinatra. Yeah. What's his name? Do you know when you do the Tonight Show, they would have a cart? They would pull a fucking bar cart into your green room, into your dressing room. Would you like a drink?

When I did the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, he gets you booze before you go out there. I didn't know that. Yeah, he wants everybody to be laughing. Have a good time. Relaxed. Exactly. Do you see what laughing gas is? I'm sure Mar probably smokes before. Well, he definitely smokes on his podcast. Does he? Jesus

Christ, Joey. What do you got there? I'm so terrified of that bag. Bring it to the green room? Jesus Christ, Joe. What do you got there? I'm so terrified of that bag. Bring it to the green room. Bill Maher. Okay. Keep it in there. You got your own bag with the Joe Rogan experience on it. Thank you. A beautiful leather bag. I got you some fucking...

I'm so excited to show you this club. I'm so... Bro. I've heard fucking... I have people that are non-comics hit me up. Non-comics. This is just a lot of noise on the microphone. I know, I'm trying to figure out what to get to smoke next, dog. Let's just.

Look at this, I got bags everywhere. Come on, we're good. What the fuck? I didn't even join them. Here, here. Oh no, we got a fucking chocolate mushroom bar. Laughing guy's got it all, Uncle Papa.

They're gonna open up an A.C. They gotta fix the laws in Texas. Basically, marijuana's decriminalized in the city of Austin, but the fucking law's dumb. And these people don't realize it's dumb because they've got it connected to leftists and hippies.

It's about freedom. There's a lot of ranchers and farmers that like to smoke weed. It's great. Weed's great. It makes you love your children more. It makes you stare at the stars. It makes food taste better. It makes sex feel better.

You fucking idiots that are making it illegal are ruining the world. And they say that it's going to ruin people. Yeah, it's going to ruin people just like cheeseburgers are going to ruin people and gambling is going to ruin people and alcohol is going to ruin people. All those things that are legal and should be legal because you got to give people the opportunity to fuck up their own life. You should work on counseling. You should give people advice. She'd give people some sort of resources where they could get out of any sort of hole they're in, whatever addiction they might have. But you got to leave people the fuck alone. That's what this country's founded on. This country's founded on freedom.

And if you don't have the freedom to choose what you put in your own body, especially when we're talking about something that is beneficial medically, psychologically, physically, not physically addictive, doesn't kill anyone. The only way you die from it, you literally have to do something stupid because you're high. If I haven't died from it, ain't nobody going to die from marijuana. Okay? Knock it the fuck off. The only time you die is a fucking brick of marijuana falls out of the sky and hits you in the head. But we're still dealing with a bunch of goofy laws.

And I think they keep these laws goofy on purpose. They keep the culture war going because it's an easy distraction from other things. You're not supposed to gamble either, right? What's that? You don't gamble either, right, Jamie? There's some gambling here, right? They're like poker rooms. Okay, right? What's that? You don't gamble either, right, Jamie? There's some gambling here, right? They're like poker rooms. Okay, but not like a casino.

There might be one somewhere in the state. Casinos are magnets for sick people. You know, when you go to those casinos in, like, Connecticut, you're like, Jesus Christ, there's so many people there that are just sick. A lot of people having a good time, just out on a date. Let's go to the casino and play a couple hands of blackjack. Seems like a good time. But there's a lot of just sick fucking

gambling junkies in there. Just lost. When you see them and they have their wheelchairs and they got the oxygen mask and they're smoking a cigarette in the casino, you're like, wow. You see a lot of those. Different strokes with different folks. Hey, you gotta let people do that if that's what they want to do.

How about the chick last week that was winning so much money she just started pissing at the casino? What? Did you see that? That girl just pissed on the fucking seat. Pissed on the fucking floor. While she was playing slot machines. Bro, she ain't losing that shit. She was on the phone.

She didn't dry her monkey either. What a crazy bitch. That's disgusting. That's a crazy bitch. I don't mind if you pee. Even me. When I pee in the bottle, I have a little tissue to dry the helmet off maybe she was on Xanax yeah this is her she seems kind of hot too she looked hot from the side and just piss it so ridiculous ladies wild it's crazy

though imagine that you it's not uncommon not that uncommon. Hold on. Scroll up. Scroll, scroll. Look at this. Regardless of the video's legitimacy, urinating on casino floors isn't as uncommon as one might think. Oh, many people probably did it. Oh, they had adult diapers. This guy said that Arnie Wexler, a recovered problem gambler who operated a New Jersey-based gambling hotline and counseling service at the time, told the Louisville Courier-Journal that many heavy gamblers don adult diapers to avoid having to leave a slot machine or gaming table. If they don't come prepared, he said, they just pee in the seat. Oh my God, you dirty fucks.

You imagine walking into a casino, you just smell piss. You just know so many people have been pissing on the floor, you could smell it. I don't know if I'm ready for diapers. I don't know, dog. If you're peeing your pants, you gotta leave that shit on. What would you rather have, diapers or be paralyzed? I'll take diapers.

You gotta just deal with it. It is what it is. You know? You can only control what you can control. You're going to tell me you're going to shit in a diaper and sit in it for two hours? I don't think the shit thing is as big of an issue. I think mostly it's a piss thing. Incontinence.

You might be shitting your pants a little bit too. Depends on your digestive system and your diet. That's the worst. Some people have gastrointestinal problems. It's horrible. That's the worst. There's a lot of problems out there in the world, though. Little babies die of leukemia.

A lot of problems. We're lucky as shit. We're alive and kicking in 2023, one of the most interesting times to be alive. And you and I grew up in a time where there was no internet. We got to experience this whole wave of change over the world. The erosion of faith in politicians and medias at an all-time high. People are just starting to wake up to how fucking insane this world is organized and run. And we're starting to realize that, hey, you know, this is almost over for world is organized and run. And we're starting to realize

that, hey, you know, this is almost over for whoever is listening to this. If you're listening to this and you're in your forties, you're halfway there, kid. All right. If you're listening in your twenties, if nothing terrible happens to you, you don't accidentally overdose on fentanyl, you got a solid 60 years left. If everything goes great, if you're taking care of yourself, maybe you'll make it to 90. Maybe. So I'm 55. So how much time do I have left?

I'm pretty robust. I work out a lot. 20. 20 years? That's it? Damn. I was hoping for like 100. After that, what do you do? I think I do 150.

You really want to be alive to be 100? Yeah. I think I'd get even better. Hmm? I think I'd get even better at anything. I think if you could stay alive for longer, you'd make less mistakes, you'd understand yourself more. There'd be like a value that you could give to other people if you have energy.

Like people can learn things from other people that have already experienced life. That's why we love hearing stories and hearing wise people talk about things. The more I experience life, the more I understand me and other people, and the more I talk to people, the more I understand people, the better I get at it, the better I get at life. I really, really, really believe that. And I think everybody does, sort of. Everybody does in their heart of hearts.

I feel the same way. As long as you don't give up, as long as you don't give up, as long as you don't get cynical, as long as you don't get hateful, if you could just stay positive and stay around loving people and be a good person and be someone that people like to be around, it gets, you can get better all the time. You keep getting better at being a human. You get better at podcasting. You get better at standup. You get better at everything. You once told me something really interesting when you said that your biggest fear was turning old. You wanted to be in good shape.

Yeah. And my biggest fear all these years, honest to God, was not dying or anything. It was not being, I hate to say this to you, and you're going to understand what I'm saying right off the bat. People at home might not. I didn't want to become one of the comics at the store when we got there. I know what you mean.

I'd rather shoot myself. I didn't want to call you when I was 60 and go, dog, I'm taking this cruise. I need to come on the podcast to change my life, as we both heard from people. Yeah. I did not want to be one of those guys, and that is what I'm proudest of the most.

I'm proud that I put a book together. I'm very proud that I found alternatives. That I have to keep bothering people at clubs to put me on. And, you know, well, Joe Rogan sucks. Mitchie Shore never gave me the love I needed. I blew off Kennison. I don't want to hear that shit. Yeah, but those guys, they're always going to exist. You know, they're a lesson for you.

This is a path that you could go down. You see that path and you know it's negative. Where we got very lucky, Joey, is that we both experienced, like, you did movies, The Longest Yard. We did a bunch of stuff. We did a bunch of stuff. We did a bunch of stuff. But then the internet came along right when we were like fully developed, like real comics. We were real headliners. And then when everybody transitioned into podcasting and everybody transitioned into like YouTube became like the best platform for putting out a comedy special. And we all learned who's the great comics from listening to each other.

You know, people would talk about, have you seen Shane Gillisis holy shit mark norman oh my god that guy's funny and then everybody here and it becomes this organic network but it all happened we got so fortunate that we caught that wave every step of the way at the right time we wrote every wave in every step of the way take the mainstream stuff to use it to transition into putting your stuff online you realize online is the real mainstream everybody's addicted their goddamn phone everybody's on social media everybody's watching YouTube everybody's listening to podcasts there's just it's we caught that wave every step of the way and

that's the same thing with this club Joey when this I was not gonna open up a fucking club. What did I always tell you guys? I said be nice to club owners. You don't want to be one of them. We need those freaks We need these crazy people that are willing to deal with stand-up comedians every week and hoping that they don't have a fucking overdose After the Friday night show and hoping that they show up for radio at 6 o'clock in the morning to promote the gig. Those people are crazy. We know them. We are them. We're all crazy. Anybody who wants to do standup comedies out of their fucking mind, you don't want to be a club owner. So I was always like, be nice to those people. I want them to be my friends. These are people I work with. I want to look forward to see them and hugging them. I don't want to think this

guy's fucking me out of money and this guy and my bonuses are short all that i don't want to i don't want to be involved in any of that i just want to give everybody a hug say hi to the waitstaff what's up what's up i want it to be nice positive experience you don't want to be a club owner now i'm a club owner and it came about during the pandemic it was this wild series of opportunities first of all covid me looking, me looking at all the chaos in LA going, this ain't getting better. We're getting the fuck out. I had liberal friends calling to borrow guns. Like, what? No, you can't borrow a gun.

Jesus fucking Christ. There's lines around the gun stores. You remember the lines at the gun stores? Joey, I was driving through, I think it was Burbank. Burbank. There was a line. Both of them. A line.

A line. At Alberto Crane School. For people looking to buy guns. They didn't have enough guns to sell people. So I was like, I'm getting the fuck out of here. And when I got to LA, or got to Austin rather, I was like, shit, I need a club. There's no clubs here. We were working out at the Vulcan, which was nice, but it wasn't set up as a community.

It wasn't set up that was like, where we could all be together and hang like we did at the store. I was like, Jesus, that's so important for the culture of standup. It's so important for the comics to have a sense of community. And so I was like, all right, I gotta open up a fucking club.

And at the same time, everybody had been fired from the comedy store. The comedy store was shut down. Everybody was unemployed. So I got all the best people from the store to come here. When I got Curtis and Adam and Eric and Jody and Jesus Christ and Carrie Mitchell to run the bar, like, holy shit, man. It was like this is the dream team. And imagine how many people were ready to leave.

Bro, and Adam Egan, that guy's the fucking man. Everybody was ready to leave. And they come here, and it's so beautiful. People are so nice. And it all, like every step of the way, it's like I rode this wave perfect. This building that I got, they didn't even want to sell the building. One family's owned it for 100 years. They didn't want to sell it.

But they decided, they offered me a price. I didn't even negotiate. I said, I'll take it. And they were just happy that it was going to stay a live entertainment venue. They were worried it would maybe become a hotel or something or a restaurant. They wanted it to be a live entertainment venue like it always was. I want you to go back to what you were talking about in L.A. What your liberal friends asked me.

That's a good topic you brought up. Because I always feel that the beginning of my downfall with the fear just wasn't the pandemic. I'm not scared to fucking die from a fucking cold. It wasn't the pandemic, but the pandemic was fucking me. The thing that fucked with me the most was what my neighborhood had become. Yeah. And not from you telling me. You know how people tell you shit?

No, no. What I saw. Yeah. And once I see something, that's it. I don't give a fuck what anybody telling me. You know how people tell you shit? No, no. What I saw. Yeah. And once I see something, that's it. I don't give a fuck what anybody tells me. I saw a guy get hit by a 4x4. Oh. At the bus station in North Hollywood.

We drove by thousands of times. I saw a guy hitting people with a 4x4, not a 2x4. Oh. Who leaves the house with a 4x4? Jesus Christ. Okay? I saw a fucking CVS, Studio City. I saw a white guy and an African-American hooker fighting at CVS at 10 in the morning.

In Studio City. I've been going to that fucking thing for five years, that CVS. That's where I got all my prescriptions and shit. I saw like three or four things. Then I had the glass door in my house. So I kept feeling that they were going to kick the front door in. So I went right to the Armenian, and I'm like, dog, I need a gun. We ain't got time to stand in line in Burbank.

And he brought me like a fucking.45 with a bazooka and shit. And I gave him like two grand. I go, don't come back without a gun. Wow. This motherfucker came back three days later with like a fucking AR-15 in a suitcase with a violin. I'm like, oh, my God. So now one thing I don't like, I do not like weapons.

I'll shoot you, but I don't want to have a weapon. I can't have a weapon. You don't want to want to have a weapon, right? You weapon. You don't want to want to have a weapon, right? You don't want to feel that you need to have a weapon, though. No. You're worried that it's just the energy of it? Yeah, you don't want to feel like you need to have a weapon. I messed around with weapons for years.

You know, I got in trouble with a weapon, and I always said that when I put weapons on, I met more people that had weapons on. Do you follow what I'm saying to you? When I was a civilian, hugging people, I never felt a weapon. But when I put a weapon on in 86, for three years after I got arrested, most people

I dealt with had a weapon, so I considered it a magnet. For me, in my mind, it felt like a magnet of fucking bad shit. Those two guns I had in the house, they didn't feel right with me. You weren two guns I had in the house, it didn't feel right with me. You weren't going to bust into my house and, you know, hurt my daughter or my wife.

But having those two weapons in the house did not feel good with me. California has very creepy laws when it comes to that, too. I didn't give a fuck about the laws. I will get rid of that gun before the cops even get there. Trust me. I had 10 neighbors that were cool as shit. Take it like I got an OJ.

Where'd OJ's shit go to? You got neighbors. Yeah. You got neighbors. I killed the bitch, hide the fucking shirt, whatever. I just didn't like it. I didn't like having that weapon. I didn't like having a.45 in my car.

And then on the day I flew back here, I'll never forget that I had that. I gave him back the AR, and I had the.45. And the people called me, and they're like, are you bringing a weapon with you on the plane? Because I flew on a private plane. During COVID, I had the cats and shit, you know? So I go, yeah, I'm going to bring the gun with me. And that night, I said said no and i gave it

to brett i called him next month go come pick up this fucking 45 from me he still has it he's holding it for me i don't want it that's how i didn't like that fear yeah i really when i saw latin kings uh spray paint on my daughter's school, Colfax Elementary, same school, Bert sent his kids, that wasn't good. I just saw a lot of shit up there that I would never saw in the Valley. You see it in Hollywood, you know, shit like that. So that's good that you brought that up

because I forgot how scary it was. It was scary for a few weeks. It got very strange because it got different. It felt like everybody was more on edge. I saw a bunch of lootings. It was scary for a few weeks. It got very strange because it got different. It felt like everybody was more on edge. I saw a bunch of lootings. It was crazy. Someone broke into this clothes store. They smashed the windows and ran into it.

And we were by this Target. And these people had blocked the door of the Target with a dumpster and lit the dumpster on fire. And they were telling everybody to get out of the building put it put down whatever you're purchasing run out the the exit right now it got real weird with all that antifa stuff got very strange people were emboldened to do things and after the george floyd um death when it was the riots and they lit the cop cars on fire there was this real feeling this real the police, we're going to do whatever the fuck we want and no one's going to stop it.

And the police seemed hesitant to do things too. And that was when I was like, check please. I was like, this is not the place. No one here is, you got to recognize when things are changing and when they're not going to get better because there's no resources in place. There's no leadership in place. If you're defunding the police, that is a totally wrong approach to deal with an excess of crime. What you need is better funding and you need better training and better people as police officers and better respect for police officers.

You need to have an understanding that they're very, very necessary. for police officers. You need to have an understanding that they're very, very necessary. And one of the things that people found is that as soon as crime starts fucking scaling up, in every city people are calling for the cops. Even politicians in San Francisco that were actively saying we should defund the police,

they were tweeting we should defund the police. Then crime starts kicking up. They're like, we can't even get the cops to come out. Why do you think that is? That's crazy. Maybe it's because you defunded them. I mean, are you out of your fucking mind? Like, do you think that somehow or another having less police equals less crime?

Like, that's the dumbest scenario. Like, how would you think everybody's going to kumbaya on you? No, you're just going to embolden criminals and you're going to terrify people. And then things are going to scale worse and worse. And if you keep doing the same thing to try to fix it It's never going to get better and that's what you're seeing in Portland. That's what you seen in San Francisco It just keeps getting worse and it's chaotic You go to a fucking club like a club and they're playing like disco music and also in some fat fuck like me yells put on

Skinner and nobody listens nobody listens. People are like, that idiot. When I heard the term, debunk the police, that's what it felt like. Defund the police, yeah. Defund the police, put on Skinnered. Until people started saying, that's a great idea. And you're like, what the fuck? And that's what was going on. Too many people were yelling put on Skinnered with different ideas

at that point. And you're like, what do you mean? Dog, listen, let's get something straight. You're going gonna hear this from me one fucking time. I was born a nice kid. Somewhere along the line, I lost my fucking way. Somewhere along the line, when you suffer a traumatic experience when you're a young man, you stay stuck for a

few years. Or a young woman, you stay stuck. That's why women become, you know, they become, what is that word? Prostitutes? No. Prostitutes. When you like to fuck, the proximity, whatever that fucking word is. Nymphomaniacs? No, that's not the word. Promiscuous.

Promiscuous. You know, when you suffer a dad or a mom or a grandmother you were tight with, you get stalled for a couple years. I'm not making excuses. These are all proven things. You've got to read this shit. You just don't grow until the reality comes to you of what happened. You're all proven things. You gotta read this shit. You just don't grow until the reality comes to you of

what happened. You're still in shock when your mom dies or your father dies. And somewhere along the line, I went off the rails. And I'm sorry for that. I never disrespected a cop, Joe. In all the stories I tell you, you never hear any disrespect of a police officer.

Never. Well, you knew cops. Fuck that. That's disrespect of a police officer. Never. Well, you knew cops. Fuck that. That's part of it, too. You know who raised me when I was a young kid? P.A.L. P.A.L. Belief Athletic League on 88th Street in Amsterdam.

I grew up in there. That's where I learned how to shoot pool. Really? That's where I learned how to shoot guns. They took you to the 25th precinct and you shot at targets. They took you to the park. I was a big PAO guy. Then I moved to Jersey. Fucking baddest PAO

boxing coach, Cuban coach, Mr. Gamio. I never traded with him. He didn't like me. But I knew his sons and his kids, you know. But PAO, Mr. Marino,

that dude used to drive us everywhere. Again, he didn't like me too much. Why did he like you? Because I was like, you know, something. I don't know. Once I got the jersey, I hung out with a rough crew or something.

At that age, they didn't like me in bitty basketball, so I didn't play in Union City. But I always had respect for the PAL. And all those years, I always knew they had a job to do. And I was trying to be a criminal. I can't take it out on them. You never heard me say bad shit about cops. In fact, in 60 years, the only cop I've had a problem with is one of the guys that arrested me in Boulder. In fact, the other dude, I just wished him

a happy birthday. James Cole, it was his birthday on Wednesday. Or Tuesday on Facebook. I follow a friend on Facebook. Oh, that's hilarious. So that was the only cop. So for a guy like me to only have problem with one real cop in all those years, gotta tell you something. So when I heard that debunked the fucking cops. Defund. Defund. Go fuck yourself.

It's so ridiculous. You're the same motherfuckers that are gonna be crying for the same cops to come to your house in five years I'll under percent and then they were talking about having people come over to your house and just talking to you Like during you know to safety officers And now this shit that they're doing with bells It's crazy. It's almost like they want everything to fall apart. This is like something that you hear Yeah, we're gonna have bail reform you like okay. Yeah you hear, yeah, we're going to have bail reform.

You're like, okay, yeah, I'll put on skin again. Yeah. Bail reform. So what you're telling me is right now they have a huge problem in New Jersey with stolen cars. And these motherfuckers got it down to a science. They're stealing them, and they take them right to the port in Newark. There's no more middlemen. You know, in L.A., they got the Armenians chopping up cars.

No, they just take them right to the port. You could see it on the GPS of your car. They take them right to Newark. They're waiting for the car. They know where you live. They know it's a half hour to Newark. The ship is there. And where do they bring them? They take them to whatever. Brazil to start a new currency. I don't

know where the fuck they take them. But my point is that when those guys get arrested, they're out the next day. Yeah. And half of the shit that's going on, people are out the next day. Again. Did you see the thing, the shoplifting statistics about New York? Of all of the shoplifting, it's like 600 people.

And they've been arrested thousands of times. Thousands of times. Thousands of times. See if you can find the statistics because it's so crazy, you can't believe that that's really it. In New York, it takes two cops to arrest you. So here it is. Okay. Oh, excuse me.

Only 327 people. Collectively, they were arrested and rearrested more than 6,000 times. Some engage in shoplifting as a trade, while others are driven by addiction or mental illness. The police did not identify the 327 people in the analysis. 327 people. Hey, maybe you should lock those folks up and you'd stop all of the shoplifting. The idea that you shouldn't do that is so fucking...

Do you understand how cities work? Do you understand how law and order works? Do you understand how peace works? You need peace officers. If you don't have peace officers, bad people are going to run amok and they're not going to listen. This has been the case in all of human history. I mean, we know what the fucking equation is. It's not that all cops are bad.

It's that there are some bad cops. And they should be exposed. And they should have better training. And they should be better funded. And they should be appreciated. And maybe if they're more appreciated, there would be less of this. And maybe we should figure out why the crime is happening in these cities in the first place. Maybe figure out why these disenfranchised communities are the same every fucking year, decade after decade, with no federal funding,

why we ship billions of dollars over to Ukraine. And what did we spend in Afghanistan? Come on. It's not like you can't make some real steps to fix this nationwide as a country. But defunding the police is not one of them. Not one of them. That's a dumb way to approach it. Punishment is so fucking important.

Yeah. I understand the slap in the wrist. I got a ton of them. And what did that do? Nothing. What did that do? All those slaps on the wrist, that was cool. Right.

Probation. You got a little record. You were legit. What did they do? What did they do? They let me run amok from 1983 to 1988 when I got busted. I wish I would've got arrested once and for all, but all those stupidity things that I was doing,

whether it was in San Francisco, I got arrested in all those places. But they were dumb enough to let me out. What did you get arrested for? Doesn't matter. You know, stupid shit. Theft of over $200. Possession of stolen tools.

Possession of this. You know, only one weed possession. That was my second arrest was weed and I got a six-month probation, which had a half ounce on me. I get it. I paid a fine, a buck and a quarter or something like that. Did it defray me? Did it deter me from getting high?

No. No. You know, I wish they'd nail you, and that sentence that that judge gave me, that's a sentence they got to give people. Zero to four years. Reconsideration after a year. If you really do it.

Just to show you the bowels of what it is. If after a year I don't reconsider you, pretty much you're going to be in there for the rest of your fucking life. You take somebody, you punish them heavy the first time, and then you see what direction they go. One thing,

when I walked out of that prison cell, I knew I was going to still do coke and chill. I knew I was still going to steal. I just knew I had to change my ways

a little bit. I knew I wasn't going back in there. This goes back to shoplifting. When you shoplift, they have theft over 200 and theft under 200. And in different states, different counties, it's all different.

I don't know what it is. Well, now in places it's like $900. Yeah, $900. So people are just walking out of stores and no one's stopping them. Exactly. Exactly. So it used to be that I could go to a place, a supermarket, and try to rob a fucking lobster tail for $100 and they give me a ticket.

A ticket. I'll live with a ticket all day long. I'll take that ticket and shove it up my ass. It's me going down to the station, getting processed, fingerprinted. That's what deters you. That's the shit that deters you, Joe. And that's what they're not understanding. They don't have enough programs for people.

Listen, when you go to prison in this country, all you're doing is warehousing me and putting me back out. You warehouse me with guys that are smarter than me and now gave me new ways to make money. To steal. If I was stealing with a gun before, now they taught me how to steal with a computer. What do you think is going to happen? There's no programs in there. They don't talk to you. They don steal with a computer. What do you think is going to happen? There's no programs in there. They don't talk to you. They don't give a fuck.

It's up to you to give a fuck. There's no Chinese food in prison. There's no fucking tons of things in prison, so I didn't belong there. So I didn't, I know I wasn't going to go back. Knock on wood, I stayed out. But think about the people who weren't as lucky as me. The percentages. The percentages are horrible. The percentages of most men who grow up in crime-ridden neighborhoods are horrible.

It's very hard to get out. You got to find something, whether it's music or entertainment or sports or something. You might have a wild idea for a business that catches on. But Jesus Christ, the odds are stacked against you. The odds are stacked against you. And what happens when you do get convicted with that felony? I can't do nothing. Still, to this day, I can't do anything, Joe. I can't go get a retirement job at Costco.

I can't volunteer at Costco. I can't get a volunteer's job at a fucking rec center, maybe helping taking old people out to a movie or something like that just to give back to the community. I can't do that. Can't do that. That liquidated me from anything. I found out the last three years how worthless I really was.

That's why I sell wheat. The last three years. Why sell the last three years? Because I was always looking for options. Like, what else can I do in my life that would maybe, you know, whatever. Just what can I do? Maybe go back to school, anything. I don't know. I'm always interested in learning more. I fucking don't remember any history.

So you're just thinking about doing it just as an interesting thing to do, like a new adventure. Yeah, like maybe go back to school or something, take online classes, something. I love to fucking learn all this shit I blew away the last 30 years. You know, I didn't read what I used to read as a child. I didn't read geography. I didn't read history. I read, you know, books, you know, fucking stupid books.

So I'd love to take classes again or something like that. But anything. I have no options. I could never do anything with that felony. Is that the fucking thing you should be sending? Yeah, it doesn't mean—if someone pays their price and does their time, I feel like they should just—as long as they're not doing anything else, as long as they're not committing more crimes, they should be a regular member of society. Now, let me explain something to you.

In my world, for me to get to where I got, when I walked out of that prison cell, I became a regular member of society. But imagine if you're 20 years old and you do something stupid and you get locked up for it and then you are no longer a voting member of society. I was 25. Yeah. I was 25. Yeah. I was 25. Yeah. 1987, I'm 24. 1988, I'm 25, Joe. Yeah. I got out when I was

27, 27 and a half maybe. And thank God I could sell. Thank God I could fucking sell ice to a fucking Eskimo. Thank God you have that skill. At least you could sell thank God I could fucking sell ice to a fucking Eskimo You know thank God you have that skill at least you could sell cars or insurance or whatever. I can't get registered I can't work at the stocks. I could always be like you're a stockbroker. I could always make cold calls for you shit like that But in my world, I didn't want to go back. What was I gonna do?

What are you gonna do? I can't be an acupuncturist that probably makes a lot of people go back to crime exactly people give up i when i found out they didn't do background checks at comedy clubs how happy was i and i was still skeptical and then it was one guy that saved my life tim allen tim allen i was just going to say that when i heard the Tim Allen did boom Yeah, boom. I'm like, okay and the motherfuck got on Disney And I'm like, okay. I just want to get to the Comedy Store. I don't want to get on Disney I don't want to go on NBC. Let me ask you this what happened to you where you figured out? How to be funny on stage because you were always okay on stage

but you would have some rough sets and then there was one day it was one day in the or you were telling stories backstage you know we'd have that little back parking lot area you were telling stories and you went on stage just fucking guns blazing and you murdered harder than i've ever seen you kill before i was like this is crazy it's like a different person like you were stiff on stage before you're like oh you didn't like that joke all right and you go into another joke and like you had a joke and a joke and then one day you went on stage just guns blazing and it was not, I always tell everybody it wasn't like it was a slow gradual he got better. It was like you were here and then boom.

Bro, you get punched in the face one too many times and after one punch you go, that's it. I'm not doing this. And I just want to tell you something, because I talked to Ari about this. If, well, I'm definitely gonna do 10 minutes tonight to fuck around with you. I have a plan, Joe. If you know anything about me, you know I always got a plan. You got plans. I always got a plan. For me to do stand-up again, I don't want to travel.

I'll come down here, do a residency down here for you. Whatever the fuck you want, storyteller, whatever you want. I got no problem with that. I don't want to travel. I'll come down here, do a residency down here for you. Whatever the fuck you want, storyteller, whatever you want. I got no problem with that. I don't want to hang dates all over me. That gives me a lot of anxiety. And I don't want to be doing anything else. For the first time, if I go back to comedy, I told Ari this. I go, Ari, because Ari says you might not do a podcast no more.

And I go, you're done. Ari's so silly. I go, if you don't want to do it, don't do it. Just focus on stand-up for the next five years. Because he's about to turn 48 or something. I go, just do stand-up for the next five years. Nothing else. Right.

No podcasting, no films. You don't have to worry about anything. And he goes, you know, you got a good point. Because I wrote the new special when I couldn't edit no more. That fucking This Is Not Happening show. You've always spoken about this. Just do stand-up. Yeah.

When I got to L.A., I was there just to do stand-up. But then everybody started throwing all these things at me, and I got confused. And then I realized I'm at the store. I came here to do stand-up. And that's what we are. I think even now, the stand-up comic is too... We're all over the place now. We used to just do stand-up and that's what we are i think even now the stand-up comic is too we're all over the place now we used to just do stand-up we used to just do stand-up they got comics doing everything now

it's great but it takes away from who the we really are well when i was doing fear factor i didn't tour hardly at all at Because I was really working a lot. It was a lot of hours. And I was mostly just doing the store. And I remember hearing about people that were doing the road and I'd get jealous. I was hearing about people just doing stand-up and I would get jealous. But I also knew I was very fortunate. I also knew, like, hey, man, not a lot of people get a hit television show.

You got to keep doing this. Like, this is money that you could literally do whatever the fuck you want now. You could, like, literally not ever worry about money. That's a giant thing to have. So I was like, okay. But I remember thinking, man, all these guys are just doing stand-up. It looks like so much fun. I would talk to dudes after they did Thursday, Friday, Saturdays, and Sundays,

and they'd come to the store on Tuesday. And I'd be like, where were you? They're like, oh, I was in Columbus. How was it? Oh, it was fucking great. Saturday night, the fucking show was so good. They're telling stories and this and that. I'm like, oh.

And, you know, like, oh, your hour gets so tight. You know, you roll in Thursday with a new joke. By the time Saturday late show It's fucking crack and like But if I all I was able to do is like do like weeknights and weekends occasionally at the store Well, we really couldn't didn't have the time to travel Well, at least you did that think of all the guys that came to LA as good stand-ups Got a job on a TV show and say fuck stand up fuck stand up yeah

and they got caught up in the TV show and then they never did stand up again and that's one thing I always really respected about you and I told people all the time I go in the height of this game this motherfucker would still do his 1045 on a Friday night after he just grabbed a huge paycheck all week on some TV show was news radio or the other one. You'd never be late for your Friday night spot, and that's character. That built a lot of, that made me, it inspired me. Like, this guy doesn't give a fuck,

because nine out of ten comics, they'll tell you how much they love comedy. Once they got on a TV show, it's over. They're not coming down there again. And I get it. I get it. But you didn't really love comedy the whole time. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. You've always...

And that's what I like about stand-up. I don't have to travel, Joe. I could just shoot into the stand three nights a week, do 15. And you know how you prove it it's really the stand-up? It's because, like, the store wasn't even giving you any money. Like, what'd you get? Like, 25 bucks for a... Yeah, 15. 15 bucks. The original. 15 15 original for 15 minutes. We weren't doing it for money. No, we were doing it to work on stand-up I enjoyed being yeah, it was accepting. I was accepted at the time as being broke

You accept being broke for the fucking honor to come here to yeah five nights a week Mm-hmm to come here on two or five nights a week that's what you switch you give away that to take that and when think about for people watching this right now

how much does stand up mean to you where you you don't even care about money I didn't care what happened to me at that time I didn't care where I slept when I would go on the road

what do you think I had fucking you know who shows to an open mic on a Lamborghini you know what I'm saying nobody I had fucking, you know? Who shows up to an open mic on a Lamborghini? You know what I'm saying? Nobody, right?

Nobody's funny. You know? No. Nobody shows up to an open mic on a Lamborghini. Nobody. One kid, what I started with, he had a rich, what do you call those rich hot mamas he had? Oh, he had a sugar mama? Yeah, he had a sugar mama.

This kid was horrible. He did impersonations, but it was all one. His resume, you opened it up, his bio was a living 3D resume. She had made like 100 copies of this fucking book that came out. It was him as Tony Montana and him as like Charlie Chan and all these. And that was his name. He's probably not in the business anymore. But his name, it was like, thing, the man of a thousand voices.

But in Denver, they said, but you only heard one. And I still remember him going down to the Comedy Works, one of the best clubs in the country at that time. This is 94. And him doing an open mic and me doing an open mic. And me, like, doing okay. But he'd just go and bomb. And he would come off the stage.

This is how crazy comedy is. And he would have his tape recorder, the old ones, and he would be pounding it. And I go, what's the matter? He goes, this fucking tape recorder, don't pick up the laughter. And I would go, oh, my God. You know how many times this guy would call me up after that?

Like, I was living in Seattle. And he'd go, I got to ask you a question. He goes, I just got down to Coconuts. He booked me as a headliner. And then after the first night, he booked me to a feature. He demoted me. Now I'm the emcee and I'm seating people. Should I stay? Because in Coconuts, you had to seat people if you were the emcee. You didn't know that? No. Those chains in Florida, I don't even think they're still open. This is how far along ago it was. So when you worked at Coconuts, if you were the emcee, you had to seat people. He got hired as a headliner.

When he got there on Tuesday, he was the headliner. He ate such a bag of shit on Tuesday, they made him the fucking feature on Wednesday. He ate such a bag of shit on Wednesday, they made him the emcee. That's how bad this guy was. But he was filthy rich. The chick would get him suits and lights and unbelievable. He had a

fucking, he had a guy on stage already. He has an open mic. He already had a sound guy. The people you fucking meet in this struggle, my friend. I know. It's interesting when you stay with them the whole time. Like, one of the interesting things

about being good friends with Greg Fitzsimmons is that we literally started out a week apart from each other. So we were there for all these crazy shows. We were there in a car once, and we were driving to this gig, and we were with this guy, and we're just talking about different stuff. And this guy was this little feeble guy with glasses

and you know we're talking about like one guy was complaining about his girlfriend she does this he goes well my woman insists that I put a dildo in my ass we're like what you put a dildo in your ass he's like yep yep

she wants me to do it and it's not bad. We're just in the car driving. And to this day, Greg and I will talk about that and just fucking cry laughing. We're like, what the fuck are you saying? She does what to you? Like those people, they're insane people. You mean like literal insane people.

The open mic world is a fucking fantastic world. And it's funny as shit, too. It would be a great sitcom. Yes, it is. Like a single camera. Like a, you know, like a Louis style. Come on. Let's just talk about the Sunday nights at the store when we were there.

When I used to host, the 7 o'clock, the 9. The open mic. Yeah. Yeah. And I quit because it's too much walking up and down the stairs. Three fucking minutes, I'm up and down. I've run 8,000 calories. So then she gave me 10 to 12.

But that helped you a lot, too, because you got loose, like fucking around in between the acts and, you know, making fun of things. Well, right there, I was working really close with Mitzi. And Mitzi was a confidence builder. You know that. Yeah. She didn't even have to give you a note. If you went up on her and killed, you got better. Yeah.

Because the first couple times in front of Mitzi, you were always kind of gawky. So the more you go up in front of Mitzi on a Sunday, the more confidence you get. And I still remember going somewhere in like 2002, like Notre Dame in Indiana they used to have

a comedy club there Funny Bone and I was dating that crazy chick from Mishawaka from Michigan and I'll never forget like 2000

maybe like 2000 and I'll never forget that I went there for a a fucking showcase and I'm not the type of guy that would open his mouth

like that. He told me, come on Sunday and do 10. And if you're funny, I'll bring you back. I'm like, okay. And I went down and after, I did great. I did great. But afterward, he was like, well, I don't like it. And I stopped him. I go, stop. I don't mean any disrespect. I perform in front of Mitzi Shaw fucking three times a week. Shut the fuck up. You ain't going to give me no fucking note, Tarzan. You're a Notre Dame. You don't know dick about dick. I really did.

He was a great guy. We both laughed about it. But in my mind, I had that confidence in my heart. Like, save it, bitch. I'm in front of Mitzi. Save it. Go fuck yourself. She was the ultimate mentor.

She was. And that, she gave me, that was the other thing. Like, she just, you know, when you're in front of her a lot and she don't have to say nothing to you. Just you killing in front of her, that's it. I'm wearing my dick on my fucking shirt. I don't give a fuck. She also was the very best at taking comics and putting them in dangerous spots, taking people and putting them after people

that they really probably shouldn't be following. Me? Yeah, with all of us. She would put me after Irera or that fucking dude. I've told you a thousand times, I still have nightmares about that dude. What's that dude, sir? The brother with the dreads. God damn it.

I just, dog, I still have nightmares. This is driving me nuts. You're killing me. I can't remember his name. Me neither. Great kid. We'll figure it out. I can't even figure out what to tell Jamie to find him.

Yeah. God damn it. It's just weed. It's a real problem. It's 420 shows. Bro, don't blend on the weed. I could pull his name out if I didn't have the weed in me. God damn it.

Two alpha brains, I'll fucking pull his name out. I just saw TK Kirkland. Oh, shit. On a podcast with, I was dying of laughter with that motherfucker, Godfrey. Oh. Godfrey and T.K. Kirkland. I remember T.K. Kirkland from the store, early days. Early days.

He was always pretty good. You were always talking about him. Yeah, I liked him a lot. I liked him. Have you seen Eddie Griffin? When was the last time you saw Eddie? I see him online. I haven't seen him in forever. I want to see him physically. I send him a lot. I liked him. Have you seen Eddie Griffin? When was the last time you saw Eddie? I see him online. I haven't seen him in forever.

I want to see him physically. I send him messages. He won't return my messages. I liked, if he wasn't funny, he'd give you a big hug. Dog. I always loved that. Listen, I think that you and Eddie, and regardless of what you might say,

could be a good podcast for three hours. I would talk to Eddie Griffin for three hours. I think, come on. Dog, how about the night we were behind the comedy store? Tell these motherfuckers what he said to you. How about that Bruce Lee for the thousand guys? I was there with you. So I can't, you can't, you can repeat this because I was there with you.

I remember we walked the pink dot. We walked the pink dot and you're like, I don't know. I don't know about it. He just loved telling stories. And it didn't even matter if the story was true. Did Bruce Lee fight 1,000 guys? I don't know what the fuck it was. It was so ridiculous.

But you heard it, too. Yeah. Okay. I mean, the whole thing is happening while I'm working for the Ultimate Fighting Championship. He's telling me about how Bruce Lee fought 1,000 people. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about, man? He was an actor. Bruce Lee is an innovator in martial arts, a hero.

He was an amazing guy. But no, he didn't fight a thousand people. It was one guy, and he hit him with a punch. Because I still remember that speech. It was three in the morning. I was a little fucked up. But I would listen to that speech all day long, man. Eddie Griffin would describe to you in detail how they built the pyramids.

Let me tell you about Eddie Griffin. Eddie Griffin was there. I introduced myself to Eddie Griffin the first night I in detail how they built the pyramids. Let me tell you about Eddie Griffin. Eddie Griffin was there. I introduced myself to Eddie Griffin the first night I walked into the Originals. The first night I ever walked into the store was a Monday, and Eddie was there with Tupac. Not Tupac. Tumac, the kid who was in The Last Dragon. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, The Last Dragon. Okay, the shogun of Harlem.

He was in there with him. There was eight people in the audience. Bruce Leroy. Bruce Leroy. Don Barris was hosting. okay i'm just show gonna hollum he was in there with him there was eight people in the audience bruce leroy don barris was hosting wheels was there and that was it on a monday night and i want don barris put me up out of a favor to nobody to himself and eddie saw me didn't say nothing to me but but then I got a showcase. And Eddie was there, and he told me that night, I'm going to sit next to Mitzi.

He's a good dude. He sat next to Mitzi when I was on stage, so no motherfuckers would talk to her. Yeah, and they would laugh. The Todd did that for me. Yeah, yeah. People would tell you to do that too. Yeah.

Like if guys you knew that were going to showcase, you'd sit next to Mitzi and laugh. He was good to me. And then I bumped him on a plane one time. This was before 9-11 when you could do whatever the fuck you want on a plane. And I moved up to first class with him. And he goes, just sit here. Stay here with me.

And that was how I met Eddie. And I gave him a picture of Bruce Lee's grave that I had taken. Wow. And ever since that, we just hit it off. And he would always throw me little bones. and he would bump me for fucking six hours, but I never really got mad at him for that. His set on Def Jam to this day was one of the best. At the time I remember thinking, God damn this guy's talented. Remember he had shorts on?

Do you remember that? Alexander Graham Bell invented the, what was the joke? Telephone. Why? Because he was doing coke. Yeah. Right? Yeah, he'd go like, how high you got to be to be like,

I want to talk to someone who's not even here. That was it. I want to talk to someone who's not even here. That was the one. That's a great joke. Bro, he had some great bits, man. And he was so physical. He was real lean back then.

Real lean. Real physical on stage. He had all this energy. I remember watching it. I think I was living in New York at the time. I watched it on HBO, and I was like, holy fuck, is this guy good. You know who I studied a lot? Who I was a fan of when I first got into comedy, and I'm a fan of him still to this day.

I just saw he's doing a show. The Brothers from St. Louis. The Waynes Brothers? No, the other brothers. You're friends with the young... Oh, the Tories. The Tories. Guy and Joe.

Oh, my God. Oh, they're great. Joe was the warm-up for Death Camp. Yeah. Joe was the only guy that I ever saw kill and be yoked at the same time. This motherfucker would go on stage with, like, a vest on, built like Mike Tyson, just jacked, and he would kill. I don't know how he did it. Like, I don't know.

He's not even remotely self-conscious. Jamar Neighbors can do it, too. Jamar Neighbors goes on stage shirtless, and he's fucking shredded. And it's funny. It works. I. Jamar Neighbors can do it, too. Jamar Neighbors goes on stage shirtless, and he's fucking shredded. And it's funny. It works. I miss Jamar Neighbors. I love Jamar Neighbors. Where is he?

He's back in L.A., I guess. Oh, I thought he was down here with you guys. No, he came out. He spent some time here. He did the podcast, what, like a year and a half ago? I love that dude. He's a legit boxer. You know, Jamar Neighbors can box.

I didn't know that. He showed me a video of him fighting. He's had amateur boxer. You know, Jamar Nabors can box. I didn't know that. He showed me a video of him fighting. He's had amateur fights. Jamar Nabors can crack. No bullshit. No bullshit. He can box. That's crazy.

Yeah, that's where that body's from. He does all these crazy calisthenics. If you go on his Instagram, I think he's got all his crazy workouts he does. That dude's in serious shape. He looks strong as fuck. He's shredded all his crazy workouts he does. That dude's in serious shape. He looks strong as fuck. He's shredded. You see him on his Instagram? He's got like a video put up of him doing stand-up with a mohawk.

He glues a mohawk to the tank. And he's just fucking ripped. This is him boxing. That's Jamar. Dude, he's good, man. He's like a good amateur boxer. He's very fast, too. I mean, how old is Jamar? He's got to be in his late 30s, right?

No. I thought he was a little younger than that, right? How old is he? I don't know. I've known him forever. I don't know. He's got to be 35, right? 37.

37. 37. Wow. I thought he was a little younger, 33, 34. He's a good boxer, though. 37. 37. Wow.

I thought he was a little younger, 33, 34. He's a good boxer, though. So it's very rare that someone, but Guy Torre was the first guy that I ever saw that went on stage with a vest on. I was like, what? Look at him. There's Jamar. White slavery. He's wearing a Nazi hat.

Look how shredded Jamar is. That's ridiculous. Holy shit. I'm telling you, he goes on stage looking like that, and he kills. Malachi. I like that name. He's just a fun dude to be around. But find

Guy Torrey. Dog, I still remember one of his bits. Or Joe Torrey. Joe Torrey. Joe Torrey's bit when he warmed up. Him, fucking Martin Lawrence. That was a hell of a lineup, too. That was my worst bombings of all time when I had to follow Martin Lawrence at the store. Over and over and over again.

And I'm going to tell you who the best performance on. Yeah, this Joe. I'm going to tell you the best performance ever on fucking Def Jam. D.L. Hughley as a host. When he got a standing ovation. I never saw anything like that in my life. Yeah, how about... As a host, got a standing... I mean, ripped the fucking room apart.

I will never forget that. Joe Torre, hey, you ready for Joe Torre? Yeah. I got a brother who's one of those save the whale motherfuckers. But I'm thinking about getting a gun. I'm dying to shoot a motherfucker, man. I could see me with a gun hanging outside,

an ATM machine with a tuxedo on. Come out of the bushes. I'm going to shoot you. Something about fucking buying a gun, and he wanted to shoot somebody, so he would hang out at an ATM with a tuxedo on every night. I fucking loved that joke. And one night I said it to him, and he's like,

man, I haven't heard that in years. That's great. You just reminded me. He hit me as brother with good dudes. You ever think about dudes who didn't make it where you can't understand how? Like where you're like, god damn, that guy was good. Like what the fuck? I always use Reggie McFadden.

Reggie McFadden is like my prime. Where is Reggie? I do not know. I think he got into McFadden. Reggie McFadden is like my prime. Where is Reggie? I do not know. I think he got into real estate or something. But Reggie McFadden in like 1992, when I was living in New York, my friend John, John Tobin, was opening up for Reggie at the Champagne Comedy Club. The Champagne Comedy Club was this dude who was hilarious, this old school black dude who owned it.

He was like, no motherfuckers like he had rules He goes you don't say the bitch had a big ass See the woman had a wide behind and he would like tell guys how to Talk comedy, but it didn't matter with Reggie cuz Reggie's act was clean and I'm telling you this motherfucker Murdered he I were I was in this room watched him john had gone up he brought him up and we sat and watched reggie and he murdered i mean to the point where i was like i'm looking at the next eddie murphy i'm looking at the next superstar like this this is a can't go wrong talent he was so he had this joke about meeting a pretty girl and she's got an ugly friend that you can't shake.

And he has the ugly girl smashed through his window. And he's physical, so he burst through the window on stage. Where are you? And it was just like, he was so funny, man. He was so talented. And I don't know what happened. I don't know what happened. People change. People see things they don't want to do.

Corey Miller was one of those guys. What happened with him? Zoo, little zoo member. Yeah, but what happened with him? He just went back to raise his kid in Atlanta. He still does comedy. Still does comedy in Atlanta. I know somebody saw him at a college and he said to say hello to me. People just change their priorities, man.

It happens all the fucking time. You know, you think about the two dudes who were in Guns N' Roses, the one guy, Izzy, that just left. What does he feel like today? Didn't you have a guy on from Soundgarden here? Jason Everman. Jason Everman. Was he the original guy?

He was in Nirvana, and then he got kicked out of Nirvana, and he was in Soundgarden, and then he got kicked out of Soundgarden. was in Soundgarden and he got kicked out of Soundgarden How do you think he feels today? He was not very happy. Oh, well now he's happy now. He's fine I mean, he really is a very much at peace guy. Well, you know, he's also had like a very like fascinating life he's a Special Forces guy and he went to did tours in Iraq and Afghanistan multiple tours in Afghanistan Went to Columbia got a degree at Columbia's a brilliant guy So like I think he's a very thoughtful person and his path was a great path for him

But at the time he felt like a total dog They just honored the guy from the original bass player from Soundgarden. And he was like on the first two albums. I always wondered what happened to that fucking dude and how they feel now that they had an opportunity of being this monster of a band, you know? Isn't that the craziest thing about artists, guys like Chris Cornell, who is so fucking talented and so like universally loved and still takes his own life that's that just

shows you like how fragile mental health is and people's states of mind and how you know you could just not see the thing i mean that motherfucker was beloved like his voice was fucking insane it was it had so much power. He's a really fucking talented guy. Spoon Man? Come on. Are you kidding me? I remember one time you and I were listening to Spoon Man.

Remember I had that Suburban with all the big speakers and that shit? Yes, yes. We were sitting in, no, it was a Denali. It was a Yukon Denali. Denali. And we were sitting in the Denali in the Comedy Store parking lot just jamming to Spoon Man. Spoon Man! And you were screaming.

If you don't like this song, you're not real, cocksucker. You don't like Spoon Man. Are you out of your fucking mind? You were just so into this song. And I still remember the night you came up to me out of the cold and you go, how can somebody listen to the Beatles after they listened to Blow Up the Outside World by Soundgarden? And I said to you, I go, you know what's crazy? That you could tell Chris was a Beatle fan when you hear that chant. But I get what you were saying that day.

It was such— I changed my perceptions on that. I became a much bigger beatles me too later on me too but back then look blow up the outside world is a masterpiece that song's his voice is great on it it's a masterpiece of sound everything about it it's like a spiritual experience that song that song is a fuck and if you're high if you're like sitting in your living room and you smoke a joint and you put the headphones on and you listen to that, oh my God.

That song's incredible. It's crazy how I had views. I hated the Beatles. Give me some of that. Especially if you're high and you listen to this, Joey. There's some music that's just accentuated by weed. I don't know. Give it everything you have Blood, the air, and gold Blow it down and blow up the outside Blow up the outside world Show Ooh, what a song.

I like it towards the end when they do the drum thing and he says that. He holds that one note. Yeah. Oh, my God. Keep it going, Jamie. Keep it going. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. I'm blowing it to hell and on Wish you know I never could Blow off the oxide

Blow off the oxide Blow off the oxide Blow off the oxide Rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhywbeth sy'n rhyw What a talented motherfucker that guy was. Now, talking to the Beatles, after we didn't have appreciation for the Beatles growing up, not because I didn't like them, because everybody always broke my balls on how good they were.

And I've told this story before. I love John Lennon, but the day John Lennon got shot, it was the happiest day of my life. Because I won the argument now. Because every time, you couldn't fucking say nothing with Beatle people every time you said like oh my god I went to see the Stones last night what a great album shattered what a great album miss you is some motherfucker would say yeah it's a great album but wait till the Beatles get back together fucking stay with heaven's a great song

yeah it's great but wait till the Beatles get back together. They always had me. I always lost that argument. You had to walk away like, yeah, he got the point. The day John Lennon got shot, that argument went out the window. Bitch, they ain't getting back together. So shut the fuck up now, okay? It's Led Zeppelin who's running things. In fact, they had a Beatle mural at my high school.

Somebody put an extra John Lennon the day after he got shot because we didn't want to hear that argument no more. Everybody got sick of that fucking argument, all right? And I love John. I don't want people, you know, I love all those albums, fucking Shave Fish and all that stuff. While My Guitar Gently Weeps. Oh, I love all that shit.

Oh, my God. I love the Beatles from Revolver on. Once they did the Aston and started smoking dope, I like all that shit. That's really good stuff. Before that, she loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's okay. I get it, but no. It was a different time. Yeah. Different time of the world. When they went to India and smoked with that Maharishi

and started playing all that shit and opened up their horizons, they were good, man. Isn't it interesting that the kids that grew up that were into like ACDC, Led Zeppelin, those were not necessarily kids that were into the Beatles. And some of them were.

My crew was all like Jim Morrison, it was The Doors, Van Halen, Led Zeppelin. Van Halen was current. That was like the current band that everybody was into. But it was old bands. It was always played Stairway to Heaven. Or or somebody wanted to get crazy you play free bird when that guitar solo goes on in free bird when you're 16 years old and you listen to that song you're like holy shit to this day that that is in my opinion that's the greatest guitar solo of all time. That guitar solo is fucking insane. There's so much good music.

So much good music. It's so, like you get caught up with one thing. During the pandemic, I got back into music. And I put on, I bought vinyl. I got into vinyl again. I fucking love it, you know. And it's so weird how an album will take you back. Like I got an album now. It'll take me back for a week. Like so weird how an album will take you back.

Like I got an album now, it'll take me back for a week. Like I'll play the album when I'm writing, when I'm doing shit, you know? Take you back to those days. Like just, but you also hear things. That's why I don't like doing music reviews and shit. Because I learn more about the music the more I listen to it.

Like every time I put on, like I don't put on Led Zeppelin no more. But you're in your car, you're headed back, you crank it up, you always hear something you haven't heard and go, wow. I used to always crank Whole Lotta Love when I was on my way to the store. I crank all those, all that shit.

But that was the song. I love it. That was the song that I wanted to hear when I was on my way to the store. That fucking jam. Oh my God. And then there's like a minute and a half of fuck sounds in that song. A minute and a half is like,

ah, ah, ah. With little cymbals in the background. Zeppelin 2 is very interesting because it's dirty. It's dirty. Yeah, here we go. Give me some of this. It's dirty.

Let me go shoot a load. Honey. This is the get ramped up to go to the comedy store song. This sound This was the get ramped up to go to the comedy store song. And this sound sucks. You got to listen to this on like real speakers. Something about the way it's coming through my ears. It sounds like dog shit.

Maybe I need new headphones. No, it's some songs on YouTube for some reason don't sound great when we run it through here. Maybe it's because they don't want you to be able to do that. Maybe they want it to distort so that you can't just take the music down. I think it has to be the cable. Oh. That's more logical. I mean, some things sound fine.

Maybe we should get a better cable. I don't know why some things sound perfect and other things don't. Should we replace the cable? It might not fix it. Oh. It's also the thing. Okay. It could be that.

But wouldn't it be nice if we could hear it, like, really good? That seems like it should be possible. It also could be, like, I have to find a good source. Mm. You know? Right. So some of these. Might not be the best place.

They're probably compressed, too, right? Yeah. Doesn't sound great, either. Keep it going, though. Let me hear some of that. That's better. it's better that's better i had a 2002 toyota supra turbo that i got the craziest sound system ever put into this fucking thing i just this is like when i was on fear factor and i was like what do you have like what can you do and they said we can engineer a sound

system just for your car and i'm like oh my god let's do it and they put like there was a subwoofer under the front or under the back seat like they couldn't push the back seat back and these crazy speakers in the dash and put speakers here and speakers there and it would have that you could put a microphone in your seat so they can like tune to your seat i don't know how they did it but when i would play this in that car the music would dance around the car like you could hear the guitar from over here you could you know what I would really hear it in? Was Seal. When you kiss by a rose, there's sound coming from all over the place in that song. Well, what's that taping called? That style of recording?

Because that's on that album. Because even when you listen to it when you were a kid and you had two sets of speakers, ah, ah, ah. That's what I was just saying. What I was saying is my car. Do you remember that Toyota 911 Turbo? That's what it was. saying. What I was saying is my car, do you remember that Toyota 911 Turbo? That's what it was. That was a Super Turbo.

911 Turbo. That had a 2002 911 Turbo. I had that crazy sound system in it. Yes. And that sound system, the sound would bounce around with that song. So that was like my warm-up song. When I was listening to that song and I was driving down Sunset, it was like coming and all that with the humping sounds like ah ah ah

yeah around the car give me some of that so when you do acid or something like that that's what you know it's dancing you start hearing that fucking those little speakers I've always thought of they recorded like thinking that you were gonna do acid like Pink Floyd I know, thinking that you were going to do acid. Like Pink Floyd, I know, recorded thinking that you were going to be tripping. Oh, for sure. They fucked with you like that, you know. You got it? No.

I was looking for a stereo mix to see if I could find one that was going to do it better. What was the name of the kid? Speaking of which, when you got to L.A., you bought a nice car, and then you didn't want it no more. Who did you sell that super to? Oh, that was. Comedian. Yeah.

He disappeared after that. No, it wasn't that. It was a Volkswagen. I had a Volkswagen Corrado, and he only had a certain amount of money. And I said, okay. What was his name? I can forget his name. Did he date Kelly Kirsten?

I don't believe so. Did he? But he was a nice kid. Nice kid. I was just starting to make some money. He was funny. Yeah. What happened to him?

Man, some of them just the pressure, the overwhelming pressure of constantly performing, it gives them anxiety and they never survive it. It cracks them. Here it is. So this is me coming down Laurel Canyon. I would always time it. I knew when to Laurel Canyon. I would always time it. I knew when to start playing it. I would start playing it when you hit that store.

You know that little country store in Laurel Canyon? When I hit that, that's when I would start the song. And by the time I'm snaking all the way down Laurel and I get to the bottom and I take that turn. Down, down. Down, down. Down, down. You're playing two different things.

I fucked it up. Down! Down, down! Down, down! You're playing two different things. Fucked it up, Jimmy. I was trying to show you Laurel Canyon. Oh, I see it. This was the way I would come over from the valley. If I didn't take the 405, I'd go this way.

Fuck this line. Yeah, the valley. If I didn't take the 405 I'd go this way. Yeah the traffic. This was just like the perfect let's fucking go song. This song made me smoke pot, though. This one did? That was it. And you think it's over, but it's not over. You think it's winding down. Do you hear that?

I was going to bring this up. Can you hear in the background? You can hear his voice. The echoes, yeah. That's part of what happened with the tape. It's like an accident. Oh, no way. The tape is stored too tightly, kind of. Meanwhile, it's perfect.

Yeah, it sounds perfect. It's an accident. Oh, here we go, cocksuckers. here we go cocksuckers Chase from Midgar I wanna be your backdoor man Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho!

Hey! Ho! Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo God damn, that's a good song. And there'll never, ever be anything like this ever again. Well, it was so unique for the time, too. This was the second album. This was the second fucking album. I'm hooked on the fifth album now. I've been listening to Presence lately.

Killy's Last Stand. How about The Ocean? For Your Life. That's House of the Holy. That was the second album that put me over the top. That A to Z. Dancing Days. Oh, my God.

That. Oh, my God. No court. Listen, I was such a fucking half a little fag when I was a kid that when I first got Led Zeppelin to, I would play Dancing Days. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, you don't have to go. Then it's supposed to be No Quarter

and then The Ocean. I would skip over No Quarter. Scariest fucking song they had. I only listened to it when I got a little old. I was like, okay, I'm ready for this. I love the Immigrant song. The Immigrant song on three. Listen, and that's what really shows you every album,

they kind of change it up. They got a hillbilly song called fucking Gallo's Pole. It's a hillbilly song or a country song? Can you? Gallo's Pole? Yeah, can you? Ask Jamie to put it on and listen to the beginning of this, and it just picks up.

I used to eat Quaaludes to this, me and Dini. We used to eat Quaaludes with a bottle of Poo-Poff. What's Poo-Poff? Poo-Poff vodka. P-O-P-O-V. That fucking liquid. And we would fucking go over and over. In fact, I still got a busted eye

thing, a vein, from the Quaaludes. I see my friends coming the quaaludes What did you bring me, my dear friends? Keep me from the gallows, oh What did you bring me? Keep me from the gallows, oh That does have a country kind of influence to it. Speed it up a little, Jamie. Get Rogan in. Here we go.

I couldn't get no gold You know that we're through tempo From the gallows, oh Here we go. I've been riding many a mile Brother, you give me some silver As you get a little gold Why did you feed me, my brother? Keep it from the gallows cold Brother, I bought you some silver I bought a little gold I bought a little of everything

Keep it from the gallows cold Yes, I brought you Keep it from the gallows cold Hangman, hangman Turn your head a while I think I see my sister coming Right, maybe I'm wrong Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Please take him, save me from the wrath of this man, man Hang me, hang me upon your face and smile Tell me that I'm free to ride, ride, forget him my, my, my Oh, yes, you got a fine sister She won't my blood for gold She won't my blood for boiling hot Keep you from the gallows

Oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah And the foam is still wet And your sister won't my soul But now her life will fall so hard She's swinging on my gallows Oh, yeah A little something different. Beautiful. I used to get fucked, and this album's got Immigrant Song, this, and the best Led Zeppelin song after all those songs.

Jimmy Page's best work since I've Been Loving You. Oh, yeah. Shit. I'm telling you, they came up with something different every fucking album. I love music today. I can't also, they came up with something different every fucking album. I love music today. I can't also believe I just saw that picture for the first time of James Brown's mugshot. Yeah.

Is that from the arrest in 91? Yeah. Yeah, that was 91. He hit her and they chased him in the truck and shit. My favorite thing is when he got in trouble, then he was on some talk show, like right afterwards with sunglasses on. That's right. He was fucked up. He was fucked up. Yeah, he was fucked up, yeah.

Yeah, that's his mug shot. Yeah. What was, so the other one was a different time he got arrested. It was a cart. It was something else, I think. Was that something else? That's a different one. See if you can find the interview with him.

There's a hilarious James Brown interview where he's like clearly high as kite. And he's singing and having a good time. It's very, very funny. That's at CNN. Janice Brown. My brother, are you in Newark next week? Yes. Oh, you are coming?

Yes. Okay. Give me some money for this. This is amazing. He's got these incredible sunglasses on. ...charges that Brown denies. He was released yesterday on $15,000 bond. Look at him.

He joins us from Atlanta to discuss the charges, and we welcome you, James Brown. How did all of this trouble begin? Living in America. Nothing wrong. Nothing wrong. Nothing wrong at all? You're not in any difficulty, but you're out on bond. No, I'm not.

Have all the charges been dropped? Yeah, I'm out of love. Well, are you out on love or out of love? Which is it? Out on love. Alone from night to night, you find me? Now, James, this isn't the first time you and your wife have had a problem. Are the two of you going to be able to work this out?

Let's talk about some music. You want to talk about music, and you don't want to talk about what happened? No, it's all over. Well, let's talk about your tour. When are you leaving? We're leaving tomorrow. And where are you going? Rio de Janeiro and Sao Paulo, Brazilulo brazil your fans will have read all about

this james aren't you concerned about that no no i'm i'm concerned because there's nothing wrong and what are you going to say to your parents when they ask you some questions I feel good Well, that's the second time we've heard that in two days that's very engine now don't leave us James you stay right there We have to talk about well tell us a little bit about what you're doing What are you doing on this tour I'm gonna be doing I was got a brand new bag living in America Sex machine get up off of that thing. I feel good. Jam.

Now, I understand that you have already, James, I have to ask you one serious question here. I understand you already have started divorce proceedings. Does that mean that you're now eligible? Yes, I'm singing. I want to mingle. You want to mingle. He's got gloves on. Why do you think that is?

What did you say? The women love you when you get out there. Why is that, ladies? Well, I'm asking you. Huh? Because I look good. I smell good. I feel good.

And you sing good. And make love good. Oh. Well, there we are. We don't have to ask anybody else. We got that from the source. There you are. Now, you're involved in publishing a gospel magazine.

Tell us a little bit about that. The Second Coming. It's out of Augusta, Georgia, the anchor. Joseph P. Young is the editor. And James Brown is one of the advisors. And we're doing a fantastic job. The second coming it features uh on this week I think we have the Pope and um I believe the William the Williams brothers. And last and next week we're gonna have Reverend Alice Sharpton I think on the cover. And And we'll be doing a lot of good things,

and hopefully we'll get Brother Ted Turner on the cover. Ted, where you at? James, we want to thank you for being with us today. Wait a minute, I've got here. Oh, is there something more you want to say that we haven't covered? Yeah, I want to say a lot of things. Okay, go ahead. I love you. I love America. I love everybody.

I feel good. It sounds to me as though you're not troubled by any of this at all. This is a man's world. Thanks for reminding us of that. Every once in a while, we forget. Get up off of that. But we've remembered again. James, good luck on your tour.

Thanks for being with us. I guess we're going to hear lots more. Hasta luego. There's a guy that didn't give two fucks. Clearly. He's coked up to the gills. God knows what else is in his fucking system. Look at him.

He was as good as it gets, man. How fucking talented was that guy, though? What was the concert in Zaire? Yeah, the Muhammad Ali one? Yes. Jamie, play that. Because that was incredible. See if you can find that. Because that was incredible. See if you can find that.

Because that concert was insane. What year was that? 74. Yeah. Wow. Look at him. He's fucking drenched. Oh, my God.

Yeah. That's the one. With the cape. Yeah. This man will make your bladder splatter This man will freeze If you will let's all welcome the world's godfather of soul So brother number one, James Brown! James Brown!

James Brown! Goddamn! Goddamn. You know, Joe, this guy was the real deal to me. He was the real deal. What did he do up in Boston? He has history. Boy, he did something.

He saved. He stopped a riot. Oh, he performed after a cop shot a black kid and the city was in a riot. And they told him not to perform. He goes, I'm performing something. He did something. The night James Brown saved Boston. Yes. Very interesting.

Oh, there's a movie about it. Wow. Two days after Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s assassination, singer James Brown performs at the Boston Garden. Oh, wow. Two days. That's insane. Oh, my God Two days. That's insane. Oh, my God.

Yeah, he did something. Wow. Okay, I'll check that out. These guys, I don't know. These guys were... Different era, different world. Pioneers, real pioneers. You know, they were running against different...

I watched that fucking thing again a couple weeks ago, The Green Mile, whatever, The Green Book. You know, that dude running against different. I watched that fucking thing again a couple weeks ago, The Green Mile, whatever, The Green Book. You know, that dude's in the South. He fucking wanted to go sing in the South. They wouldn't let him fucking, they wouldn't put him in a green room. They wouldn't let him perform and eat in a dining room with other people.

That was a different fucking world, man. And these guys had so much courage. Jackie Robinson, to face that i would fold how about ali changing his name in the middle of it and then not going into the vietnam war they won't let him fight for three years and they're in the middle of his prime it's fucking crazy it's crazy so you really gotta nod to these guys because man they came up in a tough time then I always see those pictures like him, Jim Brown, and Muhammad Ali, and they all got together.

It's pretty impressive, man. Different type of savages. It's a different world. Imagine being a kid in like the 1960s when you see Hendrix for the first time. If you were 15 years old, five years before Hendrix, the first time. There was... If you were 15 years old, five years before Hendrix, there was nothing like that.

No. Nobody prepared anybody for anything like that. I saw a lot of shit when I came from... I learned a lot, man. And that shit has always stuck with me. The stuff I saw, you know... Hence, Tremendous. Hence, Tremendous.

When's it available? May? May 2nd. You can order it now on Amazon. Like, pre-order it. When can you get the audio book? May 2nd. Oh, everything May 2nd.

Nice. Fucking tough to write, man. I'm sure. You know how it is with these fucking things. You got to dig deep and ask questions. The book is a lot of soul searching, man. I'm sure. You know how it is with these fucking things. You got to dig deep and ask questions. Yeah, a book is a lot of soul searching, too, I'd imagine. Yeah, no. While I was doing it, I was fucked up as hell.

That's why I figured I'd do it then. You did it while you were getting off the benzos? Yeah, well, I just moved. I did the knee surgery. It was like a thousand things. I didn't even know I was withdrawing, like I said, until I went to, I did the knee surgery, and something happened with my heart.

And one of the doctors came in, and we started talking, and he kept looking at me weird. He was a Spanish dude. And I fucking, he gave me his card, and I called him when I got out. And he goes, come see me. Something wasn't right that night. And he did a physical and i

went back to see him blood that type of and he goes everything was right you know everything was okay i don't know he put me on a heart monitor and he goes your heart's fine i don't know what the you're talking about and his assistant said are you still taking the xanax and i go yeah and she goes that's what's going on with you. Look at the charts, Doc. He's been on them since 2012. And I go, no. I've just been using them since the pandemic started.

And that's when she goes, no, you've got to stop withdrawing. I didn't even know. I just had a horrible fucking feeling. How long do you think it takes when you're on those things before you're addicted? Two weeks, maybe. Really? Well, I just had a horrible fucking feeling. How long do you think it takes when you're on those things before you're addicted? Two weeks, maybe. Really? Well, I didn't. See, I would take them and then forget about them.

I would put them in my top pocket and then go to the store and not take them. And then I would just wash them. There was a lot of times I would take them. I would bring it with me in case I got like a little fucking, you know. But, Joe, the funny thing about this, if I tell you this goes back to when I was a kid. In the simplest way. You ready for this?

I was a little fucking fruitcake when I came from Cuba. You know I sucked the pacifier after I was six? So after like I was three, they took them away from you, but I'd hide them in strategic places. And whenever shit got danger, I'd go over, suck it, put it down, and then I'd fucking go back to what was going on here. So when I lived in 88th Street in New York City, my mom had a jukebox at the bar.

So every week, the guy comes in and he gives you the old 45s. Is that what they're called? 45s? So I don't know what they were. They were all different types. Spanish music, you know, black music, rock music. My mother had a great taste in that, in the jukebox. So I would have

fucking boxes of singles. I lived on the third floor. And if you go to 205, 205 West, even today, you pull up to it, you'll see where I live, where I grew up right there on the third floor, but you'll see that there's like a parking garage there. They never really, it's like an old building.

Now it's redone again. They did something. When we were kids, we played back there. So whenever I had anxiety, I would go upstairs to suck on the pacifier. I wasn't cool enough to put them on the street yet. Later in time, I would put them on the street, and I would suck on them when I was playing basketball or something. If they called a foul on me and I would panic,

I would go upstairs, and I had a window that they couldn't see from below because it was the back of the building. So it was like an indentation, and all our windows, you can't see that from there. So I would take those 45s, and I would whip them. They're like fucking boomerangs. I would just sit there for 10 minutes and just whip them, whip them, whip them, and I'd hear people downstairs,

What the fuck? Stop it, you fucking scumbag. What's going on? And then I'd run downstairs, and all these kids would be holding on to their heads and shit. They're like, where'd you go? And I go, I went upstairs to go to the bathroom. You missed it. The crazy guy's throwing records at us.

Do you know how long I did that for? I did that for about a year. I threw records at those motherfuckers. I caught them. I did so many things to those kids. They never knew it was me. But back to it, that's how I started going upstairs to suck on the pacifier. So I always had something.

You know what I'm saying? Like, I always had my little... You wanted something to, like, help you out. I always had something to smoothen the humps and the bumps. I didn't know that shit existed. I ate those when you did coke. When you do coke, that's when people give you those things. Oh, you're gonna have a hard-on, take two of these and you'll get a hard-on, you'll fall asleep.

I never knew they were treated for anxiety or whatever. Fuck. Who gives a fuck when you're on the street doing drugs what they're treated for there's a lot of people with anxiety that's the problem and getting off of that seems like it's one of the worst things you get off imaginable no man because now i deal with it's so funny i'm talking about the withdrawal the shit you went all the withdrawals are horrible. But it's funny, now when I do shit, I always remember. Like I had to do something in the city a couple weeks ago. I had to go for an audition. As I was putting on my suit, I go, insert Xanax now.

This is when I would be putting the Xanax on. My anxiety would start creeping up on me. I'd lose my breath. Like my breath would go away from me. And once I'd start panicking, forget. I even had to take, I would take an Xanax to go to jujitsu for a while. Jesus. Because of my anxiety in jujitsu.

Now I have no anxiety in jujitsu. Now I go to jujitsu, I just get beat up. That's it. It's great. I go in there and I breathe. It's fantastic. So you have to work in anxiety. You have to really breathe.

I did a lot of breath work. I slept a lot. I went back to my Boulder roots, and I meditated a little bit, which helps. I don't get on the computer in the morning anymore. That helps you a lot? I fucking get a cup of coffee, and I sit on my balcony.

I look at the mountains. 20, 30 minutes. We're in no rush. We got nowhere to be. I do a little grateful shit what I'm grateful for. I pray for you. I pray for my friends. I don't pray, but I hope everybody's alright. I'm Cuban.

I got my little faults, but I'm still like that bolder Buddhist shit has always... I can't cop to being a Buddhist, but sometimes I think about it, you know? So before I do anything, I make sure I'm good in the mornings. I'm grounded.

I used to get up and go around the fucking computer and start doing bong hits. That ain't gonna do nothing. Come on, man. Come on, man. You can't do that shit. You can't do it. And this is what you were saying before.

As you get older, you start learning. You learn more about yourself. About what works, and you try to share it with people. You know, you're like, listen, man, don't get up anymore and put that TV on. And don't get up and open that fucking computer. Save yourself. I realized something else. For the last year, I've been eating a fruit bowl for breakfast.

Every morning. Raspberries, bananas, pears, cherries cherries whatever whatever i could get on guess what now i don't need sugar at night is that the weirdest thing even when i get i can smoke 15 joints i don't need sugar at night no more because i got rid of that sugar crave in the morning i think i don't know well it's definitely the healthiest way to get sugar i don't know i don't know. Well, it's definitely the healthiest way to get sugar. I don't know. I don't think anybody says fruit's bad for you. They do. It's like, for who? Yeah, fruit.

Fruit's great. Listen, if you take 22 aspirins a day, you're going to die. But one aspirin ain't going to fucking kill you. Yeah. Two apples ain't going to fucking kill you, you know? Joe, I got to wrap this up. I got to get out of here. Where are you going?

I've got a dinner. We just got here. No, it's already 4.30. It's 4.30? Yeah. That's it? I'm not going to see you? Oh, you're going to see me dinner. We just got here. No, it's already 4.30. It's 4.30? Yeah. That's it? I'm not going to see you? No, you're going to see me in a couple hours.

Okay. Who's coming tonight? Who's doing the show with us? Russell's here? Russell's here. There's Redman. Tony, Brian Simpson, Ahsan, Ahsan Ahmad. Okay.

You and me. Ron White. Ron might come down. Ron was sick. He's been sick for a couple days. Hopefully he's feeling better White. Ron might come down. Ron was sick. He's been sick for a couple days. Hopefully he's feeling better. I'll call him up. He looks good, man.

Yeah. Duncan. Call Duncan up. I'd like to see him. Yeah, for sure. I want to thank Laughing Gas. They sent you a bag. Oh, Christina's coming down tonight, too.

Christina's coming down? Yeah. Good to see her. What do you call her? Christina P. Okay. I'll call her Christine. Okay.

I know it's one of those that she gets pissed off at. I don't know what her name is. Yeah, she don't like it. Okay. I'll call her Christine. Okay. I know it's one of those that she gets pissed off at. I don't know what her name is. Yeah, she don't like what I call her. Okay. I love you. Thank you very much for having me on. Thank you. And everybody, Tremendous, the book, is out May 5th.

May 2nd. May 2nd. Pre-order Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Thrift.com, and you save no delivery charge when you go on Thriftbooks.com or something. All right. Bye. I love you. I love you, too. Appreciate you having me. Appreciate you being here. Stay well. We're going to on driftbooks.com or something. All right. Bye. I love you. I love you, too.

Appreciate you having me. Appreciate you being here. Stay powerful. Have fun, man. Bye, everybody.