The Joe Rogan Experience - #199 - Joey Diaz

Episode Date: March 27, 2012

Joe sits down with Joey Diaz.

The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night. All day. Powerful Joey Diaz. What's up, you sexy motherfuckers? Always good to see you, my brother. What's happening? What's up, Redman? Hi.

Thank you for having me on Friday night. Great time up there at the Ice House Chronicles. The Ice House has been the funnest fucking place to hang. That was awesome. We've been having a good time there, man. We're putting Pasadena in the motherfucking map again and shit. It's a fun place, man. It's a fucking fun place, man.

It's all nice people. Everybody that works there is nice. Shows have been fucking great. All fun shows. This Wednesday, we're doing a show in the big room. We just announced it. Tickets just went on sale today. It's really stupid because the show's tomorrow night.

But that's how we do. We don't do much prior planning. But it's at the Ice House in Pasadena in the bigger room. And we're going to have a 200th episode podcast and extravaganza. And Joe Diaz, are you going to be there? No, brother. I'm out of town. You know I love. And Joe Diaz, are you going to be there? No, brother. I'm out of town. You know I love you motherfuckers.

Where are you headed? I'm headed to the fucking capital of debt. What's that? Miami Beach. Miami Beach. Oh, no. Miami Beach. Oh, that's right.

Yeah, your headline in the improv. God damn. God damn. It's all different now. Coconut Grove is all different now. It was like a city of sin when we were there years ago. Now it's very quiet. That whole mall doesn't have no more wet willies. No more

wet willies? No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm staying at the Sinesta Hotel, which is different. You know, they have like Coco Walk, and they still got Howl at the Moon, and you know, for people who are coked up and want to go in there and sing songs. And you know, they changed it around, so it's a different vibe.

I'm excited about going down there. You know what I'm saying? When was the last time you were there? Three, four years ago. Three years ago in September or something. The thing with me, it was even more than that. Yeah, yeah. You just go to Fort Lauderdale.

It was too crazy. It's too crazy. They were the wildest crowd I have ever performed in front of. Like, consistently. It was like doing comedy in another country. It was doing comedy in a country that just had totally different rules. Because everywhere else, man, people didn't talk while shows were going on. That fucking Miami Improv, man, they would just talk while the entire show was going on.

You know, just have conversations with each other. I remember there was, I said something about Oscar De La Hoya. And someone in the audience goes, Fuck you, man, Fernando Vargas. And then the guy goes, man, fuck both of them, man. Who the hell says so, Chavez? And then they start arguing back and forth, doing the show, about who is like the better boxer. Who is like the best boxer ever.

I'm like, you fucking morons. Like, what are you doing? You have no control over yourselves? You don't even think it for a second that a show is on. It wasn't even on their mind, man. It was like instant passion, toxoplasma infestation, running rampant through their brain.

They're jumping up and, you know, calling out Felix Trinidad. You know? That's fucking crazy. I remember the one night we were together the fight almost broke out oh yeah with the chick

and the husband and the chick wanted to get spanked and the husband got mad something to a crazy effect it was gonna go on stage and I don't remember then I became friends

with the husband and the husband bought us drinks and that was the end of the night there was so much craziness coming out of that place I was there the night the kid quit what's the kid from Boston

real nice sweet guy. Comic. He was in Big. He used to close with We Are the World. Oh, Kevin Meaney. Kevin Meaney. That was that night where he quit. You know what happened to Kevin Meaney, right?

What? Kevin Meaney came out of the club. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and Greg Fitzsimmons is like really good friends with him. Good guy. He says all of a sudden the guy's creative. All of a sudden he's writing new material. He lost a bunch of weight.

Feels great. Wow, that's cool. Isn't that amazing? He was living with a burden, bro. Yeah. And you know what? We all kind of fucking knew. Yeah.

If you talk to him, and he's a sweetheart. I didn't. I really never had a conversation with the guy. But I remember at one point in time, man, he was really fucking funny. Yes, he was. He fell off for a while and i don't know why but i guess that was it it was the burden of being in the closet but i went to see him with a friend of mine uh when we were like maybe 19 19 or 20 at the most i hadn't even done stand-up yet i hadn't started to stand up yet and i was a

catch-a-rising star in cambridge and he fucking destroyed we're big pants people he had this thing about big pants and about his family being big pants people it was that was like the early 90s i don't even know why you couldn't you i couldn't write it down for you on paper why it was so funny was it the early 90s? Yes. Yes. He was very far. No, it was actually before that. Wow.

Because I started stand-up in 88. So it was before I started stand-up. So it was probably like 86. I seen him like at 90 and he was on fire in Denver. Oh, my God. I'm telling you, man. Fire. Kevin Meaney at one point in time had a magic.

He was just one of those guys who could just go on stage, just start talking about shit, and it was just funny. It was just funny. He just had, you know, there's a lot of dudes like, you know how Brody Stevens got that thing where he hits that weird groove and he could just talk about anything, and it doesn't make any sense. Salt shaker to the left, sir. You know, he can say stuff like that.

You just start laughing, man. He's going to be at Conan tomorrow, by the way. Oh, powerful Brody Stevens. Yeah. That's awesome. It's amazing what kind of burden that must be, living with any secret like that. I had a friend that I knew for years,

and he showed up with girls, and he drank. But then he drank, and he just disappeared for three months. Yeah. And it was that thing. He was gay. Somebody told me. I seen him up in a park with no shirt on with another guy, and I was like, I don't give a fuck.

In a park? Yeah, like hiking, hiking, you know, like Runyon Canyon, you know, like one of those things. And I was like, come on. And I asked him, and he goes, yeah. And he goes, that's what's killing me. I don't know how to. And what was crazy, I met him on a set of a man movie.

Really? Yeah. So do you follow me? I hear these guys going, fuck those gay cocksuckers and all this shit. Oh, my God. And he's in the middle of all this. So I can imagine. I never knew that he was gay until a year or two after we did the fucking movie.

You follow me? Yeah. So I can just imagine how bad. I'm sure I said some dumb shit. I think we've all known a few guys that have struggled with that. You know, I don't want to say the guy's name, but there's that one guy who's a real good comic, but he drinks a lot because he's gay.

He's not out about it, you know? Drinks a lot because he's gay. Like, every single comic I know. No, he's like, yeah it you know because he's gay like every single comic i know no he's he's like yeah i can't get any i'm sorry i can't get into specifics i shouldn't even brought it up we have a but i've seen i've known guys personally and watched them struggle with that it sucks it's gotta fucking suck man and it's all just because of intolerance who gives a fuck if someone's gay as long as i can trust you do not fuck me when I'm drunk. I don't care. I don't care if someone's

gay. Remember Jeff? Jeff Richards from the comedy store? The piano player. Yeah, the piano player. Dude. That guy's right. Not Jeff Richards. I call him Jeff Richards. Jeff Richards is the comedian. The comedian from Saturday Night Live. The other guy's the piano player.

Why can't I remember his last name? Jeff Scott. Jeff Scott. Fucking great guy. Jeff Scott. My apologies, sir. I hate that. I have too many numbers.

It's called Dunbar's Syndrome or something like that. You can only store like 150 fucking names and faces in your head. Something along those lines. But yeah, I mean, that guy was like openly gay and the coolest guy to hang out with. And, like, one of us, you know? He was great. I mean, who would care that that's what he's into? He would joke around about it.

It would be fun. Who would care? I mean, the only reason why you would care is because you're trying to control something that's going on inside of you or you've got some weird ridiculous notions you know that are you know some religious notions about what another person should and shouldn't do other than that why do you why would you give a fuck like what what is that well why why do people trip out about that because they do bro they just do you know i grew up around it my mother had a bar plus she was a half a fag hag. A half a fag hag? Yeah, my mother was half a fag hag because she had the bar, you know,

and they were down there. And I grew up with it, and there was one particular guy that died and he used to always tease me when I was a kid. I'm going to fucking tie you up. And I would go, Mommy, and he would just tease me, you know, but I never really, I tell you where I really learned a lot about the whole gay society

was when I got locked up because they had an AIDS unit in this prison. That's when AIDS started to get big, and they didn't know how to handle them. And what year was this? This is 87. I was very fortunate. And here they had these barracks that you lived in, but the AIDS unit, you could eat off the fucking floor. And they had this big TV, and they had refrigerators. So people were like like we don't talk

to those motherfuckers but there was a couple guys that said dog they go out there and play cards they cook go down there so i'd start going down and i ran my action out of there most of the time like my gambling because i had a tv a big colored tv and i got to talk to them and ask them how they got the age you know some people like i don't know how i got it you know stop it you know exactly how the fuck you got it you even narrow it down to the night. Because once they read you that riot act, you know exactly what night you got it. And half of these guys were junkers. There was only five or six in the unit.

There was two guys that got it from sex, and the other five got it from junking. You know, those syringes. That blood shit is horrible in the 70s. Horrible. And, you know, you talk, it's like us right now. We're like, yeah, we go out and we meet a girl. We tell them to put on a coat. We put a condom on and shit.

That's just like fucking without a condom. Fucking 20 chicks a night without a condom sharing your one needle with somebody on the street corner. Yeah. They're coming up to you going, you got $3. Yeah, I got two. Let's buy a bag and share the fucking ring. Share the needle.

Share the fucking ring. And they wash it out with beer. You know what I'm saying? Like they put beer in it and squirt it out or whatever. Really? I don't know, Joe. I don't know. Don't repeat it.

Just me. You know. I mean, I don't think if you're buying heroin on the street with a syringe, I don't think you're going to ride eight to buy fucking pharmacy. You probably don't even have the money. To buy alcohol. Yeah, you know. So all those people in the 70s didn't really know. I mean,

if they do a real statistic count, how many people just got buried thinking they had the pneumonia that had HIV? You know, it's like they found out years later that, what's that shit when you get abscesses in your mouth, that they kill you. And they went back in time, whatever, and they had skulls, and you could see the abscesses

had grown. And they realize now with today's medicine, they would have saved these people. Right. You know, you don't know that shit. We don't fucking know, so. But just the burden of living with something like the burden I had, even with just somebody trying to hide an addiction, that's a burden.

Yeah. It's the same burden as me being gay or not wanting somebody to know or me being a thief at night or me being the Iceman and killing people and coming home to my family in the daytime. Those burdens have to weigh dramatically on you.

They word your mind because they go deep into your psyche. It's a secret. So somewhere along the line if it affects you, it has to affect the other parts of your life. And eventually you're going to blow because you're borrowing from Peter to pay Paul emotionally, which is the fucking worst when you're playing with your emotions right yeah and you know and when you're constantly spending energy trying to trick yourself

you're thinking that everything is all right that's like you don't you don't even have half your brain because it's like your whole brain is in conflict like you have you have like the rest of the thinking and planning and looking objectively at your future. That doesn't even take place because all you're doing is dealing with whatever's fucking with you, whatever, whatever weird issue it is. So humans are so strange, man. It's so strange how we lock onto behavior patterns like that. Like you'll, you'll see people that get addicted to gambling i mean that's a simple behavior pattern some something happened along the line and their mind their reward system got completely addicted to these giant jolts that they get from risking money and when they don't have that they don't feel alive when they do a regular job and sit there

with what you know what they would call squares and just sit around all day with a bunch of fucking people that just you know don't want to take any chances and get put 15 on every tip you know they they want to fucking roll dice they want to see what happens they want to give it a chance and they get suckered in and then it consumes them i've seen guys i've seen guys become homeless gambling junkies i've seen it i've actually seen them the hoarders used to have an apartment yeah that guy yeah but uh guys from the pool hall from back in uh in white plains i saw a couple guys go homeless there was uh there was a lot of older dudes especially that would like in their 60s and 70s come in yelling about a fucking horse this motherfucker come in five to

you know the the yellow the numbers out for the lottery i got five six two seven the motherfucking five six two six all the things i've read in all the shows i've seen about gambling because it's always fucked with me because my mother was hooked so i was successful i was successful to that successful uh to that disease i didn't say when i was 18 you know all the things they do is, deep down inside, these people want to lose. It's susceptible. These people want to lose. Yes.

That's why they, I mean, nobody ever says to you, I just got a ticket. I just got fucking pulled over and fucked in the ass. These people come in and sit there drinking and going, what's up, dog?

Those fucking Boston Celtic motherfuckers that didn't cover the spread. And they'll tell you their whole night and how they're down 1,200 and how tomorrow. You're looking at them like, oh, my God. I almost got hooked on gambling, Joe.

When I was 18, I was close. I figured out that this is the cocaine logic. I figured out that I had two vices. I like to gamble and I like to snort. I had to pick one. I had to pick one or pick the other. There's nothing. The coke pushed the gambling out of your life.

Coke is like, this can really get in the way. Yeah, this is getting in the way. Because one thing, I was, you know, when you're addicted, you're weak and you're vulnerable to money and the quick score. But I also knew there was another side to that coin. And the coin was you have to pay somebody if you lose. And 85% of the time, you lose. And let me tell you something. If I'm going to give somebody $600, listen, if I'm selling blow and I'm mugging people

and I'm making four or five grand a week, I don't mind giving you a grand. That's the cost of doing business. You know what I'm saying? You're out there. You're talking shit. I got the Knicks, those cocksuckers. Something, conversation.

But if I'm earning a living, like I got to get up and go to work, God forbid I got to give my money to some idiot because I bet the fucking Knicks and they want to play fucking jungle handball and I'm not going to cover this fucking spread here. Forget it. So I said, if I'm going to waste $200 on gambling, I might as well spend $200 on snorting and look out a window and get something out of it. At least I'm paranoid. You know what I'm saying? I get something out of it. Insurance is like gambling. When you buy insurance, they don't give you

nothing. You sign the paper. That's why insurance is the hardest sale in the fucking world you get a handshake it's like gambling when you lose with it's the same fucking logic like what what it's nothing there's nothing it's just a transfer of paper what is gambling at the end when you gamble on something it's not like you could gamble on yourself i can go fight john jones what's that guy i could get on the fucking horse myself it's the same kind of logic, Joe Rogan. We get nothing for it. Just a transfer of fucking money. And it always ends up you giving up that fucking cash.

It never comes the other way. Every once in a great while. Is there anybody that's like a really good gambler that's out there making a living gambling on sports? Yes, but their IQs have to be fucking phenomenal and their control. And they have to have the control of an older gentleman. Because you have to know. This is a scene in the goddamn movie. No, if you're fucking 21 and I give you 80 grand on a Friday night,

you're going to Vegas and you're going to fuck Kim Kardashian in the ass. You're going to spend every fucking dime of it. But a controlled gambler is somebody who says, you know what? Just because there's a game on Tuesday don't mean I got to gamble. I'm saving my money for Thursday. In fact, I'm gonna call. They outwit the book. They call the book and fuck with the book. Hey, it's Tuesday

but what's the line on Thursday? And they start fucking with the books and start calling. It's a system, Joe. And the people who make money, it's like anything else, Joe Rogan. There's comics like me that don't have millions, you know what I'm saying? Right. And then there's comics that figured out how to become a label and a business. And the same thing happens with gambling.

There's people who just come and go through gambling. And when they go, they lose a house. Right. You know, they lose a house, a wife, 10 cars, a job because it affects everything. But with fucking, yeah, I mean. We had my friend Jimmy Burke on. And that was his story when it was childhood. His dad would just go off.

Go off. Just go off and owe money and lose the house, and that would be it. You know who the biggest gambling loser was of our time? Who? John Gotti. A million a month cash. What? $250,000 a weekend.

He was making $12 million a fucking year. Jesus Christ. He won once in a while. The feds got documents they were thinking of putting the thing out. The biggest loser ever sports wise.

Degenerate. Degenerate. Most of his, that's why you gotta look at a guy like that and go, that motherfucker dressed in $2,000 suits

when he was just walking the streets. How much was he really stealing? He was stealing because he was a degenerate gambler

from the fucking cards to fucking dice to fucking sports to everything and he would lie you know i'm saying like he'd lie about his losses he'd go to him go i need 300 000 to put money on the street no he was losing but on the other hand the guy was loyal because he paid his debts. A lot of people like that will just say, suck my dick. What are you going to do? It's John Gotti. He paid his debts.

He paid every fucking debt. Nobody ever said the guy didn't pay his debts. He paid his debts. But he was a disgusting gambler. He was a weird mob boss. He was a degenerate. Because all of a sudden, he was a star. It was really strange.

He was the first one that seemed to relish the role. Remember when they couldn't catch him with anything and they'd call him the Teflon Don and he thought that he had that big bald dude that was a mafia-style lawyer. Remember? What was that guy's name? Cutler. Yes.

Bruce Cutler. Yes. And he was his lawyer. And he was like the celebrity lawyer for John Gotti. And the way he always defended him was like the celebrity lawyer for John Gotti. And the way Hillary's defended him is like, whoa, this guy's got this super intelligent bulldog legal guy on his side. And he's just going to just fucking do battle with the system. Meanwhile, everybody knows he's the head of organized crime. And they're trying to figure out how to pin it on him.

It was the weirdest thing watching it all play out in the news. It's like, how is this guy? This guy's just running around? You know he's the organized crime guy, and they're just trying to figure out how to bust him. It's real strange. It's like watching law and order play out like that, where they're convinced the guy is guilty, but they can't get a conviction. For a long time, they couldn't get a conviction on him, right? I mean, that was his nickname.

The beauty of it is in May, we're going to New York. I don't know if Brian's going to know who's going. Sold out already. And one of the nights when we get there, we're going to go to Spark Steakhouse and park outside. Is that the place where? And you're just going to park outside, and I want you to just sit, close your eyes, and think about the balls it takes to shoot somebody at 530 on Christmas week at that place. Just the balls. Because once he did that, who's going to argue with you?

Right. He didn't shoot him in the head. He didn't poison him. He got five guys. He talked. Talked five guys. So he went and talked Brody, Ari, Duncan into going around the car and shooting this motherfucker when he comes out. And they got away with it in broad daylight.

All of them shot him at once? All of them. Five fucking guns coming at you. Papa. And Gravano and whatever were in the car. And he talked five guys to shoot. They called themselves The Fist. The Five Hands.

And they just went out there and shot this motherfucker at 5.30 at night, December 15th or something. When you sit there and you feel what it takes to get that, that's when you'll go, I get it. I get what this guy did. He did, you know, he, he, uh, he did something that was on, you know, that's amazing. Shooting somebody at the House of Blues at 8 o'clock at night during a premiere. This guy did something that was just ballsy. There was no argument after that. Like, he just took over. So what was it?

That everybody thought he was just so crazy after that? That's it. They were going to kill him because he was selling heroin. He said, either I'm going or you're going, bitch. And he talked to everybody and he goes, here's the deal. I'll cut yous in. We'll all become millionaires. But this motherfucker's got to go.

Whoa. And they sat down and they set up a fake meeting to meet everybody there. And these motherfuckers got out of the car and five guys got out dressed as Russians with the hats, with the jackets like they were donating, and started unloading on these guys. Whoa. Look at the pictures. Look at the pictures.

The guys are on the street with a towel on them with blood coming out. But the thing that happened with Gotti is what Alex Jones talks about. They went after Gotti the first time. Gotti fucked them up, spit in their face. Gotti, well, listen, when you beat the government, you take your money, you take your pieces, and you go home. The government ain't going to stand there. The government is a business. The government puts a million dollars a year into following Joe Rogan.

Eventually, we're going to collect on that investment, and we're going to do whatever it takes to collect on that investment, my friend. That's it, plain and simple. When the government wants you, they're coming to get you. And that's one situation where he beat him. He beat him with jewelry tamping. They went back at him. He beat him again with something.

Then they put wires everywhere, which the wires were fucking illegal. They put them everywhere. But the guy talked. They're not illegal anymore. No, but the guy heard himself talking. I mean, the guy was a moron. Let's face it. He heard himself.. I mean, the guy was a moron, let's face it. He heard himself.

He was crazy. He was just such a buck wild guy to be in control of an organized crime or a big thing like the mob. People bringing you money. Yeah. Can you imagine running people just come on Thursdays and bring you $80,000. Tripoli brings you $100,000. I bring you $40,000. This is it.

This is what you do. This is it. This is what you do. Can you imagine if all wires were illegal? Like all wires. All wires? Like wires everywhere. Like you weren't allowed to have wires anywhere. What? The fuck are you talking about?

And it's very sad. What the government doesn't know is that, all right, call Gravano whatever the fuck you want. I mean, you know, I just read something the other day about this motherfucker. They're going to reconvict him because in 1980...

He's still alive? He's still alive but he's all fucked up. Where is he? In 1980, he's in Colorado in Tomahawk under the fucking prison. And he's all fucked up

from the steroids. His hair fell out. His teeth are falling out. He's got some central nervous disease like Mitzi Shaw. He shakes and shit. God bless him.

But... God bless him. The fucking... The fucking. God bless him. But the fucking, the fucking, you know, when the government took him and talked him into pretty much ratting on this guy, you know what, they just realized all his sins that he never copped to. Now he's getting convicted because now they're throwing everything at him. In 83, he was going around buying lottery tickets. So if you knew in the neighborhood, if you hit the lottery for $800,000 and it was $8 million, come to Gravano, he'll buy the ticket because then he had a legal way of getting income. You know how many fucking tickets he bought that year? You know how many tickets that idiot bought that year?

How many? $800,000, a million cash he bought off the people. Holy shit. Just so he would have annuities. Oh, wow. So it just made it look like he was just winning the lottery left and right. Everybody in his house won the lottery one year. The daughter, the daughter.

You know that Whitey Bulger did that too. Whitey Bulger won the lottery twice. It's like the balls of these cocksuckers. It never ends. But here's the weird thing. I've told you this before. At the end, after they had Gravano in, they were making loan shark collections. He was still calling the people going, I don't give a fuck if I'm in prison.

You're going to have two feds going by there and picking up the money for you. That's incredible. That's documented the people. The feds went and collected his money. That's how much they wanted Gotti. That they just cut a deal with the devil. They just cut a deal with the devil just to go after fucking this degenerate fucking dude. And Gravano was, like, easily just as bad, right?

I mean, the stuff that he had done, just as bad, right? He murdered a bunch of people, right? Yeah, but he wasn't, like, a straight-up guy. He was, like, a fucking con guy, a con. But he got out. Yeah, he got out. For a while yeah that's what people don't understand like the government let a known killer out he talked him

out of it he was a he was a tremendous negotiator he got to keep his 20 million he got five years and that was it he got to keep his 20 million from illegal activities and then what happened he was like selling ecstasy or something? Ecstasy in Arizona. In Arizona. That's when we met the daughter at the improv. The daughter came to the show that time. The one that's on Mobwise now, the chubby one,

came to one of our shows in Tempe one time with your buddy, the ex-fighter, the bodybuilding guy. He had a bunch of broads with him. And I was making fun of him. I said something about the town, that Sammy the Bull. And afterward, he goes, I got his daughter here. be careful what you say whoa that was his daughter that was there with us that one this is 98 i can barely remember but i'm kind of remembering it now yeah that was a lot of freaks dog well arizona is a strange place very strange brian pointed out to me once we were in Scottsdale, and we were hanging out, having a good old time,

and Brian goes, everyone's on Coke. Everybody. And he goes, you look around. He was like, he clued me in on the mannerisms, and he goes, go walk up to them. They'll be having a conversation where they'll be really fucking sincere, but they'll be talking about what's better, Coke or Pepsi. Yeah. It really wasn't.

And it also was like, when i said we looked over and everybody at the same time was like wiping their nose and going like this like it was just weird it was like a movie it was if it was if it was in a movie it would be too over the top you'd be like no there's not that many people on coke at the club but this place was it was redonkulous i don't know if it's still like that you know cultures the coke the coke comes and goes like people always gonna want coke but the coke cultures like kind of die off a little bit there's a lot of people try to get their act together you know there's a lot of people who don't like the way that that wrecks their fucking body and they're trying to get out of it i really really put white

powder on your nose i really really really would like to know the amount of coke that comes into just our country every year. Just to figure it the fuck out. What do you think? It's got to be in the metric tons. Where do you think it's coming in? How do you think it's getting there? Mexico. But who's bringing it in?

Is it like big overseas companies? The Colombians cut their hands. The Colombians grow it now and they say, look, we got too much money. Really? We've been doing this for 80 years. We're sick of this shit. Cotton and governments and helicopters do this. Come down, buy a package, take it.

So it's just like an awesome neighborhood where you can buy coke. In the old days, see, the Colombians in the old days, a guy named Carlos Ladea went to the Medellin cartel and said, you motherfuckers don't know nothing about transporting. You guys are missing the boat here. You guys are just selling it. Fuck that shit. We're going to sell it, transport it, take it to the United States, cut it, sell it

again, and we're going to take all that profit A to Z. We're just not going to make our money in ABC. We're going to go A to Z, right to the fucking streets. We're going to put our people in there. This guy was a college educated fucking coke dealer, and he went and he bought that island. Barbados, whatever, the one in Blo. We're going to put our people in there. This guy was a college-educated fucking coke dealer. And he went and he put that island, Barbados, whatever, the one in Blo. That's supposed to be Carlos laid there.

He's the one that the Medellin cartel gave him up when Bush wanted something. I got to get something, guys. You guys are down there making millions. We got Noriega. You know, because they went down and just told Noriega, it's over. Give us the keys to your bank book. Give us your bank book. Give us the name of the dealer because we're in on that 10%.

And we're taking everything. You know what you're getting? What's behind door number eight? $20,000, a plane ticket, and a yo-yo. That's it. We always throw in a yo-yo. You know what I'm saying? Noriega was a known drug trafficker, right?

That was the deal. He was running Panama, right? What's the real deal? Here's the deal with the Colombians. The Colombians have a saying. What's theicker, right? That was the deal. He was running Panama, right? What is the real deal? Here's the deal with the Colombians. The Colombians have a saying. What's the saying, Brian? Blubber or blabber. That's not what I was thinking. That means either you're taking a bullet or you're taking cash.

I know you're Catholic and you're Christian and your wife goes to church every Sunday, but it's either blubber or whatever. Blubber or blabber. Whether you're corrupt or not, you either take the money or we're going to put a bullet in your head

and we're going to replace you with somebody who will take the money. I was thinking, put some oil on that. And that's what they did to Noriega. Noriega was,

and then there's funneling hundreds of millions of pounds of coke through his island and let's pretend he's getting a penny a fucking ounce. It is kind of an amazing gangster move though.

You got to admit. Bush is a bad motherfucker. All of them. I mean, if you look at, if you just look at human civilization, if you looked at it as like a numbers game and saw the incredible scores the United States has

pulled off, you know, putting Saddam Hussein into power, arming him, pictures of them shaking his hand, you know, years later, storming a city, shooting missiles in, hanging them on a stairwell. Joe, it's hilarious.

Just before they're going to go on 60 Minutes, those motherfuckers disappear. It's amazing. It's all a simulation. It's beautiful. I think it's amazing. I mean, look, it's terrible and it's horrible

and it's awful and it's disgusting that that's how humanity works. But if you just look at it from a sheer mathematical standpoint, like, wow. What a staggering achievement this one fucked up country has you know has had all

over the world that shit you posted the other day dude it was tripping me out which one like uh the ones and zeros oh everything's a code oh dude fucking codes inside the that is a really bizarre i i have to go over that a bunch of times because There's a lot of gobbledygook. I don't understand it. It was a Neil Tyson DeGrasse. Is that how you say his name? It was another professor. I don't remember

the other professor's name. I should look that up because it was really fascinating. What I don't understand, they're finding code, like computer code in things. Now, that's the problem I had trying to figure out, like, what were the things that they're finding the code in? But what they were kind of getting at, that for some reason that they're finding that life seems to be a computer code. And that we might all be a simulation oflit assimilation of our like ourselves simulating

ourselves in like a computer right now yeah this is uh this is by the way this is like really fairly recent too this whole thing you could pull it up and this guy can uh can can say it and we can sort of like figure out what the fuck he means just uh do on youtube uh strange computer code discovered concealed in super string code discovered concealed in super string equations yeah what the fuck's a super string yeah let's listen let's let him talk and then try to ape our way through the the most rudimentary of explanations yeah that that gentleman with the glasses you ever seen butthole code before we can shape your vision to anything the opening it was weird yeah let me let me get saying what if it really existed meet professor james gates jr

theoretical physicist and john s tol professor of physics at the University of Maryland. This is all like on the screen with graphics. While working on superstring theory, Professor Gates discovered something very interesting hidden within the equations. See for yourself. One of the viewers is responsible for his own conclusions. My channel is not responsible for any potential mental instability this may see. Are they trolling, son? Viewer discretion main scene. Are they trolling, son? Viewer discretion is advised.

Are they trolling? Here we go. It's March 7th. Well, partly it's taken to these very strange images that are behind your head right now. These are pictures of equations. I've been, for the last 15 years, trying to answer the kinds of questions that my colleagues here have been raising. And what I've come to understand is that there are these incredible pictures that contain all the information of a set of equations that are related to string theory.

And it's even more bizarre than that because when you then try to understand these pictures, you find out that buried in them are computer codes just like the type that you find in a browser when you go surf the web. You're saying your attempt to understand the fundamental operations of nature leads you to a set of equations that are indistinguishable from the equations that drive search engines and browsers on our computers that is correct so the way I'm still what I have to just be silent that's where the gob where the gobbledygook. Yeah, let me try it again.

So you're saying as you dig deeper, you find computer code writ in the fabric of the cosmos. Into the equations that we want to use to describe the cosmos, yes. Computer code. Computer code, strings of bits of ones and zeros. It's not just sort of resembles computer code, you're saying it is computer code. It's not even just is computer code, it's a special kind of computer code

that was invented by a scientist named Claude Shannon in the 1940s. That's what we find very, very deeply inside the equations that occur in string theory and in general in systems that we can say are supersymmetric. Some of those codes are showing on the screen behind you right now. They don't look like codes, but these pictures, which we call adinkras, are graphical representations of sets of equations that are based on codes.

That in the description of our universe that is a supersymmetrical universe which we're going to test in the LHC if you believe that description I can show you the presence of these codes that's my statement. Do you have any predictions in your ideas or any ways to test any of your ideas any more than say the guy over on the screen? The work that I'm doing is in fact so theoretical that we don't understand yet whether it is even possible to complete the program. We have found these strange graphs. We know that

they are equivalent to equations, and we have found in these equations computer codes. And so that's where we are right now. i cannot give you a prediction this work is less than two years old jesus christ i don't understand a fucking word yeah i'm saying that that was like i do and i don't folks if you're at home screaming listening to this well what he's trying to say quite simply is that the computer that they're using to decipher everything they find that the equation the math that they're using to explain the the cup it has code in it but that's like that makes no sense very difficult to wrap your head around yeah because i i what i understand was that he was saying that the computer that they're using to represent all this stuff they're finding it they're finding code in it when they're trying to

represent it with a computer right i i don't know what that means i heard like the equations that they're using to explain the string theory or something like that like in those equations they're finding computer code right but but like what's an equation is an equation already fucking math yeah i'm not quite sure what they're trying to say by by saying that I'm assuming that it's like as they're following, as they're using their computer code, the computer represents the universe or it represents whatever they're trying to zero in on. Then they see a pattern that exists in ones and zeros. And they're saying that it's very clear that it's a specific type of pattern that was invented by one certain science.

So, so they know exactly what the code should be. But what the fuck does that mean? Or this is a really hilarious improv comedy class video. Well, we have to stop. I mean, it sounds stupid.

All right. This is like, this is one of those weird conversations where you got to go like, why are you even bothering to have this conversation? But the reality is when you look at some of the video games that are available right now just for your ipad and this this is an incredible leap of say just in my lifetime i was around when pong came out when we had pong when i was a kid it was the shit you couldn't believe that you could make something move on the tv and it was a black and white TV, by the way.

We were playing Pong. To go from that in our lifetime to what we're seeing now graphically, I can only imagine that if you could go a thousand years forward from now, Could you imagine? We're easily

going to have some sort of an artificial reality. The real question is, is this have some sort of an artificial reality the real question is is this it is this the artificial reality of some other reality are we you know are we plugged in somewhere i mean is this really like the fucking matrix i mean are we in some sort of a a perfect state of being able to completely control reality in some distant point in the future where we're just locking our consciousness into these crazy scenarios. When I first heard this,

when you first tweeted it, I now find myself trying to do something to get out of this thing, and now I think I'm going crazy. I was talking to my cat, and I'm like, if you know this is a simulation, lick your lips right now.

I was doing that kind of test. I don't think it's that easy. i'm looking now to see if i could hack if this is a a reality thing well when you hear stuff like when you hear stuff like this that you don't quite understand but what what they're trying to say essentially is there's some sort of a code to everything and then it looks like you know like it looks like even like it possibly has been designed. I mean, they didn't say that specifically, but that if there is a mathematical code to it all, not even saying designed by an entity,

maybe just designed by nature, whatever the fuck it is, but you've got to think that they're going to be able to simulate that eventually. If they can get to that, they're going to go from that, and they're gonna go from that and then they're gonna go to the next stage what is the next stage you know how do they take things further how's technology take us further and further down the road to the point where we might one day be living inside a fucking computer program and that shit might be going on right now yeah it's it's like totally man it's one of those conversations what a fucking trip that will be yeah and what if it trip that will be. What if it's something like, remember when you were in elementary school?

We lost Joey. He's fucking picking shit up and staring at it. He stared at a USB cable like it had the secrets to the universe in it. We lost him. We went way too deep into the what if drawer for Joey. Dog, I ate a fucking half a bag of chocolate triple bar before I came up to you.

You guys are scaring me like Star Trek. When I was a kid, I was always scared of Star Trek. What if we come out of it? When I was a kid, I was always scared of Star Trek. The music, I would shut that motherfucker off as long as I heard. I'd probably shut that TV off. I'd switch on for something. What if we come out of this virtual reality world, and it's something like we go back to third grade

when they were checking us for lice, and that's when they started it. They fucking put a needle in the back of our neck and then put us in this pod and then you wake up and you're that kid again and you're like, that's exactly what life is and that's how it could happen.

And you're in third grade still. You know when somebody goes to... I'm not sure I follow you. Just to explain it a little better, because this is what fucks me up all the time. And this is what I see happening that fucking kills me about not being alive in, say, a hundred years.

Remember in Hannibal, in one of those stupid movies, he drew a picture, and she came to visit him, and she goes, did you draw that? And he goes, I drew it from memory. And he's Spider-Man there in the face. Yeah, well, it's really... That was Migs. It's really weird. Because.

People do that. They go somewhere. And they just remember something. That they've seen from. And they draw something. From memory. Right. Which is pretty fucking brilliant.

Especially when you have little things. That nobody else would know. That means you caught that. While you were there. You know. It's really weird. That maybe 30. 40 years from now. You could put a hat on.

Close your fucking eyes. And you could go to Italy for the day. Yeah. Yeah. Or forever. You're still going to go to Italy for the fucking day. Yeah. And come back, and it's going to cost you $89, and you're going to get on a bus tour, and it's really going to fucking take you.

Have you ever had an experience, any sort of a psychedelic experience that you felt like lasted a long time, and then you came back, and it you know you you it would only it only been like 10 minutes 20 minutes yeah yeah absolutely yeah that's what that Ari said Ari said he went somewhere for over a month he said he was I think he said for months he felt like he felt like he had friendships there and he was gonna miss people and he was like living in some strange fucking parallel world no salvia and he said he came back 10 minutes later and he was and he was just completely freaked out it took him so hard it was so hard for him to readjust because only 10 minutes had gone by but to him months had gone by no so i but we talked about on the podcast

and i got all these tweets from other people that said they had the exact same thing happen to them you feel like like while it's happening though you have like this weird sense that like hey i know all about this already like i've been here i've felt this before and you know like that's the craziest part about the dmt experience the craziest part about that is that that same feeling of you you i know this i know this already yeah i know this place i know what i'm saying when i first started tripping i like tripping with a group when i was 15 14 you tripped with a group right and it's a complete different experience when we all pop it together at six we drink beers we roll 15 joints and smoke them and then 8 30 you're tripping And now you're with friends and you're with warmth. Right. And the scariest thing for me was going home.

12, 1 o'clock, because you're by yourself. Right. And this is the most important part of the trip, is answering your questions to yourself. And I'd go home and I'd go in and out. Like, I'd put a Pink Floyd album on, you know, Dark Side of the Moon. And for two songs, I was fucking gone. But for two other songs i was

there saying to myself i got it together now now i'm ready to do one thank god this trip is done and just as i was getting up that motherfucker came back to me again that's the difference when you do really good acid now last week i've been working a lot on my knee with the bike you told me stationary bike so i usually go over there 45 an hour and I put on for some reason you know they always say I was cracking jokes at you guys once that sometimes you hide your weed and you don't know where you put it but you get high and you'll find it. You know like

it's just amazing when you're in that consciousness again. Fuck I know my weed is in the fucking car. Right. I just remember because you're high. Right. And it's so weird the idea I was listening to bro Joe Rogan and Brian. This is the weirdest thing that happened. I went early, and I had gotten up, and I smoked, and I had a great breakfast.

And I went to the thing, and I put on No Quarter by Led Zeppelin live. And he's got a piece in there. That's Jimmy Page playing the guitar. They're right there. It answers all your questions about life. And I'll never forget, while I was sitting there riding the bike, I'm high, and it took me to where I was. And I remember that it wasn't a fucking, it wasn't a fucking,

it was at a guy, Gunter Brown's house, that studded, Gunter Brown, if you ask me again, I'm going to knock you down. He was like this dirty white guy, but he was a millionaire. His father invented the Dixie Cup with the jokes or something. And this guy was basically a junkie. Like, over there and he'd say you want your dick sucked I got a chicken will suck your dick while you're taking a shit like he always had weird dirty white women over there one time I went on I'm like 17 and I did a line of white heroin and he goes I gotta go run an errand and I'll be back and he left that album on and i remember that i was sitting up but in my mind i was in my fetal

position and i was in my mother's womb and i could hear her heartbeat and even though i was all i could hear was jimmy page's guitar and every time i would straighten up i would see people there not judging me it was the fucking warmth of the room and the warmth was just amazing it was too much and in one corner was like budd And then one corner was like Buddha. The other corner was like Jesus. Every corner was like a God that I didn't even know, like a Hindu, a Korean with a fucking sword. And they weren't there judging me. They were just there waiting for something.

And I remember I would go into the womb and come out of the womb. And every time I'd go into the womb and come out, Jimmy Page would keep playing that fucking guitar. And I could hear my mother's heartbeat. My mother was dead this time. So what's your psyche taking over that fucking guitar. And I could hear my mother's heartbeat. My mother was dead this time. So what's your psyche taking over that fucking trip? And I could hear. And every time I would pop up, I would see every woman that ever came into my life, dog. Whether I knew them or not.

Your lunch woman, your first grade teacher, the fucking nurse that delivered you to your mother's hands. And all of a sudden, dog, I remember the Virgin Mary came out doing a strip fucking tease. And this is where I was. I'm in this fucking thing. And I don't want to look at the Virgin Mary came out doing a strip fucking tease. And this is where I was. I'm in this fucking thing and I don't want to look at the Virgin Mary's pussy. But she takes off her fucking undies and I'll never forget that her pussy was like a picture of me at that age. And there was a guy sitting

and the whole time I'm sitting there in this wound position, but there's a guy with his back to me going, you don't need the answers they got for you. I got the real motherfucking answers to your problem. And at that time you're going, I don't need your help they got for you. I got the real motherfucking answers to your problem. And at that time, you're going, I don't need your help, bitch. The Virgin Mary's in front of me. I got the answer, motherfucker.

And I remembered that heroin trip, how I cleaned up after that for about a month. Because it was so real. And it was eight hours of that. Did he say the Virgin Mary's pussy was him as a child? As a me. It was like me with a little afro. And I was like, ah! What the fuck?

Ah! And I forgot that for 20 fucking years with my balls itching. You know what I'm saying? That's how strong that fucking story was. No wonder I always want to touch you. I never fucking, and I didn't do it for years after that. I was like, that's a little too fucking strong. That's why when you guys talk about that dmt warmth and you smell that warmth is

universal like that when you're there at that other level of consciousness and you're tripping you're in deep waters but something's telling you you're okay it's very loving though i mean i people who have bad trips um you know i don't know what your particular chemistry is but a lot of it i do believe and this is you know i'm no expert clearly i do believe a lot of it, I do believe, and I'm no expert, clearly, but I do believe a lot of it is shit that's fucking with them already. And it's overdosing. It could be that. No. A bad trip is basically somebody trying to control it.

You want me to tell you what a bad trip is? Seeing yourself. Oh, okay. That's all it is. But then how come some people do it a few times and they enjoy it and then they'll do it one time and have a bad trip? Because they've seen themselves. But they do it the first couple times and enjoy it. Sure,'ll do it one time and have a bad trip. Because they've seen themselves. But they do it the first couple times and enjoy it.

Sure, sure, because we did it in a circle. We didn't go home and the phone rang and you seen your face in the mirror fucking melting. That's right, in the mirrors of my house.

And you felt warmth and you sat down and all of a sudden you feel like eating and you don't and all of a sudden you start thinking of your childhood

and where you went wrong and all the secrets that you have inside of you and now they're in front of you and you gotta deal with them. Ah! That's in front of you. And you've got to deal with them. Ah! That's your bad fucking trip. That's your bad fucking trip.

That is what it is. It's really, you've got a lot of fucked up shit in your own life that you don't appreciate getting illuminated. And it's freaking you out. It's yourself. It's when you trip, you look at yourself. I can only say from my personal experiences. That's been my personal experience.

When I've had a bad trip, it's always been a, and I haven't had anything that was really bad, but I've had some pot ones that were, I had a few pot moments when I first started smoking where I just got way too blasted, and I just couldn't swim yet. I didn't know what I was doing yet, and I was just getting overwhelmed by these waves

because what would happen was whenever you're in even a mild psychedelic like pot, I was just getting overwhelmed by these waves. Because what would happen was, whenever you're in even a mild psychedelic like pot, what it does is it sort of brings you into some different place. And if you're trying to resist that in any way, if you're trying to fight that in any way or control it in any way, it's going to overwhelm you, especially if you take enough. If you take enough to get paranoid and freaked out, the reason why it's so effective, like you can learn so much from it is the same reason why

it's so impactful when it happens while you while you can't control it's just slipping away from you and you'll get overwhelmed with these like self-realizations and it could have been it could be from shit from a decade ago man absolutely it. It could be an old girlfriend where you said one cruel thing 15, 20 years ago and you feel like a douchebag today. Things that you said when you were 15 can haunt you. I mean, I've had that happen. But I think that's all to get you to look at yourself in a really honest way.

It's very difficult for us to do i think most of us like to you know put our blinders on put our blinders on and just sort of stumble through this and make it look as pretty as it possibly can along the way and pretend you know pretend that we're doing everything correctly but to really like assess you know it's almost like forcing yourself to go to school on yourself. People don't want to do any more schoolwork than they already have to. If I can get off work at five o'clock and I'm done for the day, there's no more thinking. Done. There's your self-improvement. Suck my dick. I'm going to sleep. Give me my Ambien. Stop yelling at me. I think that's a

part of it too. I think a lot of people are just too tired to try to improve themselves. You know, it's funny that you always talk about how you're a watchdog and all that stuff. In reality, if you really look into it, you're a smart guy. If you really look into the coca plant, it started out as a mild hallucinogenic. That kind of gave you a little bit of energy. Yeah, well, the people in high altitudes, they chew the leaves. They chew the leaves. And apparently it's healthy for you.

You know, those guys, I read something, those guys live to 80, 90. They work under the sun, the altitude. Really high up there, too. It's we, it's us that destroyed this drug. You know, we put it into powder form and all this shit. What do they do? How do they take it? They take it out of the coca leaves, and then they somehow or another,

it has to become a white powder. It becomes a paste, and then they put it on this fucking block. I've never processed it. You can't get that experience from the coca leaf, right? You have to break it down to the white powder to get that cocaine charge. I do know one thing. I did blow in the 80s and in the late 70s, and the blow that's on the street now, it's two complete different highs.

Really? Yeah. In the 70s, in the early 80s, it was cocaine. It wasn't processed. There was no fillers. There was no pink slime. Right. You know what I'm saying?

It just made people feel great. It was. It was, bro. It didn't fucking make people lose their houses because it made them feel bad. The problem with cocaine was the marketing. It wasn't cocaine that was so with cocaine it was the marketing it wasn't cocaine that was so good it was the marketing we've discussed this the marketing was brilliant they gave it to people who had a lot of money and musicians and athletes and they gave

people that were poor or mid uh 20 minutes of feeling important oh my god in the 80s everybody was sniffing that's how a lot of athletes apparently get hooked. After they stop competing, they miss a charge. They miss something, and then they'll start hanging around with people who party. All of a sudden, now they're getting it out of them. A lot of boxers ended their life that way. Sonny Liston ended his life that way. A lot of guys did.

They would just start doing drugs. Joe Lewis, I'm pretty sure he started doing drugs. The fucking spark is gone. The artificial spark and the artificial spark isn't as good. Sugar Ray Leonard had a problem. It's like Sivir fucking sugar. That ain't as good as sugar. De La Hoya had a problem.

Yeah. Putting on stockings and shit like that. Dude getting coked up too. I put on stockings when I was a chick. Were you coked up? To the fucking gills. Yeah, I mean, everybody was saying... She sucked my dick, but I didn't take no pictures.

Everybody was saying that Oscar De La Hoya is gay. And I'm like, no, Oscar De La Hoya does coke. Okay, what are you talking about? Just because he's wearing... He's hanging out with girls, man. Do you understand? He's hanging out with these stupid, hot Russian strippers, and he's coked out of his mind wearing women's clothes.

You refuse to believe that he's this guy. He might be, but I don't believe so. He's been married for 10 years. He's been fucking with a sheet on for seven. He goes to New York, and some Russian chick puts a fucking, that Chernobyl tongue in his asshole. That Chernobyl tongue turns the fucking lights out on you. You'll be waiting in line for toilet paper. You paper you know i'm saying he fucking went bananas and this way yeah

bro we're just it just happens in our society and what are you gonna do it's funny with greg that night we're talking about what cocaine did you know with acid and pills nobody lost their fucking house in the 70s you smoked a joint it was two dollars right all of a sudden cocaine came and people were losing their fucking homes. So you break it down. The experience that you get from chewing the leaves, you can't get that cocaine rush. No, not like that. You only get a little mild buzz from chewing the leaves. So the only way to get it into your bloodstream, the way the cocaine rushes,

is it's just a massive dose. I heard it's very good. If you keep eating the fucking leaves, you'll get high. But you won't get high like coked up. Maybe you have to eat like a whole salad. You'll take the positive

side of it. I think you get like the euphoric without that fucking bullshit. Sure, it's just like a speed buds. Yeah, like that euphoric. I wonder, man.

I mean, apparently it's not even unhealthy for you. It's really bizarre that that becomes cocaine, which is like terrible for people. I've seen, you know, we've all seen a lot of people have cocaine problems and it's a fucking nightmare yeah it's just terrible i had an ex-girlfriend i had a real real problem with it

man i hate she was scared she was scared that someone could bring it up at a party because she wouldn't be able to say no they're the most annoying people yeah okay it was when i first moved to la and uh the only thing i knew about uh cocaine was all negative from boston and i just gotten done being in this situation where i had to kind of get away from a dude that i knew was selling it and he was dangerous and boston yeah yeah yeah and um so right when i came here and i started dating this chick and she was telling me that she had this this cocaine thing like she she she liked it and I started dating this chick and she was telling me that she had this cocaine thing. She liked it and she didn't like how much she liked it.

It made her really nervous. And I was like, why? She's like, well, I could just see myself just completely fucking up my life for that stuff. And I was like, why? And she was a very smart girl. And if she would go to a party, she said she would get scared if someone pulled it out. She would get scared. Hey, bro, once some people get going, they get fucking going.

Apparently, man, especially girls. I have a friend. I don't. I've never done coke. Never. But I have a friend who did it and started doing it just because of girls. That's how he got into it, because girls like it. He said, dude, girls will go crazy when you do coke with them.

He goes, they go crazy. So that's why he started doing coke they don't i don't even like it they go bananas why is that why and if you get the perfect pigeon like you get the perfect one that just gets crazy by four o'clock when you whip out that second gram you know when they're walking around naked they're playing with their they put coke rocks in their nipples. Right. It's fucking crazy. And you see this, and you're like, wow.

Wow. And how they suck dick, how different it is, the blowjob. Like, they get into it. Really? They'll fucking stop and suck and give me another line to get some energy, and they'll suck that pipe for another 20 minutes. That pipe, that ain't going to come. You ain't going to come.

So how long do they suck your dick for? 40 minutes. And then they drink a beer, they eat a sandwich, and they're back on that helmet another 40 minutes you want to fucking snort you gotta suck this fucking pipe at that there's nothing coming out either so you basically are giving them a blank you're shooting a blank at them for like an hour and a half sour fucking blank that they do get at the end it doesn't even shoot out. It just drips down your dick. What is it about coke that keeps you from cumming? I don't fucking know. It's the mechanism.

The mechanism. I remember when I got locked up. When you're waiting in line to go to the doctor. Once you get to prison, they had all these things on a billboard. Like, you know, be careful of hepatitis B, shit like that. Then they had newspaper articles on coke.

And they had, you know, in the fucking 80s, people were shooting coke into their dick. After like two days, they go, fuck it. What can I do to enhance this shit? I've already lit her on fire. I killed one hooker. I've come 80 times. I got a big bag of blow left.

I'll shoot it in my dick directly. And their legs would go fucking, like, they'd have to get rushed to the hospital. They'd lose a leg. You know, you have a heart. And before Viagra and whatever in the 80s, people in their deep mind were thinking that if you fucking put coke rocks in your dick, trust me, I was one of them. If I would have taken needles, if I would have been able to take needles, I would have shot coke in my dick a couple nights.

That's how crazy it gets. Oh, my God. Again, if you have a fucking coke bitch, a crazy one. a crazy one sprinkled on her pussy oh you lick that shit you tell them you show them that coke oh you put that sprinkled on their pussy oh they go fucking crazy suck on it you lick that fucking clit till it's mouth becomes numb that you put some on your helmet you put some in your pee hole you put a little wide pee hole tell that mr. Suck it out. It's all over What oh yeah coke rock in your people like you load it up like a spitball right like a spitball like a challenge And then they suck it but the wetness it gets all gooey and shit like that

Okay, so what is it about doing coke that makes people just become crazy? Just makes people freaky and makes people just, what is the feelings? I've never experienced it. I don't want to know. You want the original, the middle, or the last result? Any of the above. The beginning, it's like getting laid for the first time if somebody opens Pandora. Either you like it or you don't. Like a foreigner song?

But what happens is socially, socially, socially, once you do it it lifts you lifts you it lifts you to a different level of people like you think that's how it gets you it's like anything else joe rogan gambling how do you get addicted listen doc i want to lift i want i've never had biceps doc okay i want a shot to help me get biceps what do you mean you shoot a fucking shot next thing you know you got a bicep and shoulders next thing thing you know, you got the doctors every week shooting fucking steroids. How does it start? It all starts beautiful. It's like a marriage.

You go on a honeymoon. They suck your dick. Honey, honey. After a year, Monday Night Football, you don't want to talk to them no more. It's just like anything else. The drug turns beautiful at the beginning. You're meeting people. Oh, my God.

They're so interesting. They're coked up. They're having art parties and shit. I love that. Then it becomes something different. Then it becomes taking the package home with you. Because at first you go out, me and Brian. Brian, you got 20?

Yeah, let's split a 40. Boom, we go out. About the end of the night, see you tomorrow. Bye. Then it becomes something else. Brian, let's get another 40 and go back to your house. Let's get another 40. Then we go back to his house and we get another 40.

Then it becomes something else. Now you're missing work. Your bank account is fucking down. Now you're on a roll. Now you hook up with a chick that's completely out of your character. Why? Because when you give her a rock of coke, she licks your asshole. She lights your ball sack on fire.

She does that. There's nothing even emotional about it, Joe Rogan. You don't even like this chick in the daytime. Right. You don't even like her in the daytime. But when you're doing coke, she's fun. She'll talk to you. Right.

You know, whatever. And a lot of guys like just the fact that a girl will go degenerate with them as well. With them, sure. Nobody wants to go down a dark street. They always take somebody down dark streets. Yeah. And then it becomes something like after 20 years for me, it becomes creepy. 20 years?

It becomes your underlying motive. When you wake up in the morning, you're thinking of that joke, you're thinking of going to Tennessee tomorrow, but I'm also thinking of how am I going to bring coke with me? Am I going to stay clean? Am I going to get it tonight and double up for the week? I just get really fucked up tonight. That'll

take me over till you start. Take me over till, start take me over till when you say that like what would happen like how many days could you go before you get like a physical craving three three days those days three four i got a craving every night at eight o'clock every day o'clock my fucking ears would go numb like michael corleone and the godfather when he shots a lot so you know i'm saying my ears go numb right i could but i was i was thinking about the other day. You know, I used to run red lights until I got to the ATM machine.

What? Even while I was taking the money out of the ATM machine, I was a different person. There was no logic. It's like that joke you do about sitting in the back of the bus and the bus driver's your dick. You know, like I had no logic. Even if God was right there saying, Joey, you're 400 pounds. You're going to die. I had no logic. That whole drive, I had no logic. Even if God was right there saying, Joey, you're 400 pounds. You're going to die. I had no logic.

That whole drive, I had no logic. I would make the U-turn on sunset. No logic. Make a right on La Brea, shoot right over the Dante, get the package. And on the drive, I'd be cracking. Now I'd stop for red lights. Now I got my focus back. Because I needed a red light to break it up.

So I would break it up right there, right there. Break it up? Where? Because it comes with a rock. And I would break it up in my hand in the baggie. So you put your fingers inside the baggie or on the outside? No, I just seal the baggie and break it from the outside. You just crush it? Crush it.

If it's re-rock coke, then it's hard. Then it's a fugazi. You got to get the hammer out. But if it's real coke, it's soft.-rocked Coke, then it's hard. Then it's a Fugazi. You got to get the hammer out. But if it's real Coke, it's soft. It should break first fucking... And then you just put a dollar bill in it. Is that how you can tell whether or not the Coke is good? Yeah, absolutely.

But it's really hard to get real Coke. Sure. Because they cut it, they put speed in it. Isn't that amazing? That's what deregulation is, ladies and gentlemen. When we don't regulate something and you make it illegal, then a bunch of different people are allowed to cut it up and do whatever the fuck they want to do with it and call it cocaine.

But if you couldn't do this, it would all be completely illegal if it was being sold at CVS. If you could buy it at the liquor store. If I could just buy a leaf. I wonder if regular cocaine, how bad is regular cocaine for you without all the the shit is it just as addictive dog it's gotta be like anything else chinese food is good for you one time every two weeks but if you do regular cocaine can be good for you i'm sure that if i'm sure in this society there's a coke fiend scientist somewhere that could find one positive effect of

you and i both know that i'll tell you one positive effect of cocaine. You and I both know that. I'll tell you one positive effect it had for me while I was doing it. I wasn't ADD no more. Really? It's amazing. You focus on fucking shadows. I was good at math. I would love to do math equations when I was coked up.

Really? And mind fuck. You know I'm not a mind fucker. You know, if you come to me and go, what if Anderson Silva fought Muhammad Ali? Go fuck your mother. I ain't got time to figure that puzzle out. I got more important things like a joker, you know. But you mind fuck yourself.

Like, what if I went on the road every week and made 10 grand and sold 300 T-shirts? Like, I would do shit like that. Like, you know, like shit like that. Like, and do math like that for hours. Like, it's got nothing to do with me. But I would get so analytical. You get so analytical. I'd think about shit that I was thinking about and break it down. Wow. The same thing to do with me but i always get so analytical you get so analytical i think about shit that i was thinking about and break it down wow the same thing you do with acid the same

thing you do with mushrooms right you know when you have when you take a mushroom if you're a normal fucking individual if you have some type of pain going on in your heart right now after an hour of giggling and joking around that pain's gonna start to come up because it's forcing you to deal with it that's where the bad trip comes in and it's the same thing probably happens for coke it happens for heroin i mean dog everything you know if i do two squats twice a week that's great for you if i do it six times a week with 400 pounds i'm gonna fuck something up eventually right everything joe rogan you know there's the But the coke experience is very different than the coke cut with speed experience, right? The coke experience I had in the 80s and the coke experience I had five years ago is two different things.

When did it, I mean, there's no way to tell until you do it, right? I think the coke chains in mid-80s, when they figured out that the speed aspect of it would get you addicted. Oh. When they figured out because... So you get addicted to the speed? You're not even getting addicted to the Coke as much? Absolutely. Coke gives you wings.

Whoa, that is crazy. So once they started throwing the speed in and the accelerants in there, you know, crack. Coke was a loser for a while because they couldn't... The Bush administration couldn't, the Bush administration couldn't, they weren't. The Bush? Bush. They weren't letting ether into the, that was the biggest problem.

It wasn't getting, we've had this discussion. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you couldn't get it out. So they started washing it with gasoline. So that Coke had a horrible smell to it. Like you'd do a line and go, Jesus Christ. Like some of it was, like I remember one time I went and bought a bad buy. I bought nine ounces. The Coke was tremendous, but it

smelled like cat piss. And I would sell it at bargain prices. And people would still come back like, Joey, I love you, but this is brutal, dog. This is pure cat piss. Pure cat piss. I ended up snorting the whole thing. I burnt holes under here. You know how football players put those black

marks under their eyes? I had two pink things under here from the fucking whatever was coming out. It was just burning my fucking skin. But fucking it was free. I had already paid for it. I didn't know that. That's when cocaine became a no loser because if the coke was good, you sold it at high prices.

And if it tasted like a monkey's ass, then you turned it into crack. And it burned all the residue and it gave you back the pure cocaine that's crazy what who the fuck figured that out not two black guys in harlem you follow what i'm saying to you this is what our conversation you know no no black guy brian no black guy or no fucking coke fetus and we go home and go listen brian we got 40 dollars worth of coke i'm sick and tired of snorting it. What if we put it in a glass and we put baking soda in there and we put it in the microwave oven and cook it up? And in 20 seconds, once that bell goes bing, we take it out and we smoke it.

Two white guys on Coke didn't invent that. But creating crack, what does the baking soda have to do with anything? Because it cleans. Baking soda, like when you put it in your refrigerator, you can put it in douches. You can brush your fucking teeth with it. Right. The bicarbonato, whatever's in there, it neutralizes. It burns away all the waste.

So all the shit they put in there, like if you put a gram of coke in, and after you take it out, weigh that motherfucker again, you get six-tenths now. Is that crack or is that freebase? That's like a freebase. But you could take that thing and put it into cigarettes. A lot of Colombians would just take the front of the cigarettes out and pop those in their clubs. And you think they're smoking a cigarette. They're smoking pure fucking bazookas and them cigarettes.

Them things are killing the cancer. Wow. So, what is the difference then between crack and freebase? What is it? How does... They did something with crack to multiply it even more. To make it more addictive. No, no.

To make it more... To make more of a money... Spread it out more. Yeah. To make more money from it. It was really cheap. Yeah, because I didn't understand that. Right.

I thought that was making with baking soda. I thought that's what it was in a spoon. Yeah. No, that's the shit. The other shit. The shit they do with the shit they do that's practice when they put it up in a paint thing and they were thinner and you know like someone let's say i don't even know what you got 28 grams in an ounce so 16 ounces times 28 whatever that is a regular coke a regular person would throw uh 10 on 28 so you would throw 16 times, 160 grams of cut on it or something. This is what I'm just assuming.

Right. With crack, you could probably throw gram for gram. So I could probably get whatever the result is for 28 times 16 and add it and neutralize it to 50%. And I get, you know, with heroin, with heroin. The mob didn't do nothing. Everybody sold all the mob. They're fucking morons.

They just figured out how to take heroin and pay $50,000 and get $400,000 back from it. Imagine that. If I figured out how to give you $50,000 every week and on Friday I picked up $400,000. Wow, how were they doing that? Because they were taking heroin and cutting it to nothing. Do you see like an American gangster? The cops were taking the heroin, cutting it, and selling it back to the mob. Then the mob was cutting it and selling it.

This is fucking craziness. This is what Alex Jones talks about. Jesus Christ. They were just taking it. But heroin even at 40% will fuck your world up. Isn't it amazing when you find out how many cops actually have sold drugs and been caught by it? Remember the cocaine cowboys? how many cops actually have sold drugs and been caught by it.

Remember the cocaine cowboys with the whole entire, one entire graduating class of the Miami Police Department, the whatever it is, the, what's the, not the, what is it? The training academy. The school, whatever. Yeah, police academy. 100% of them either were murdered or wound up being incarcerated for being corrupt. 100% of them.

But what happened at the time was Miami got a gun put to their head like any other community. Spics were moving in. Latinos were everywhere. Cubans were everywhere. In 1979, Fidel sent fucking 98 boats filled with Cubans, and 94 of them stayed in Miami. How much was cocaine responsible for what Miami became?

Oh, my God. It was built on it. This is Coconut Grove where I'm going. They had an investigative with Bill Curtis. Coconut Grove was a place where pirates used to hang out in the 1700s. Great story where I'm going. And that whole city is built on cocaine. I know a guy who lived down there for a while, and he told me,

I don't know if this is a verifiable fact, but there's more banks per capita in Miami than than any other city in the country that makes sense and he said it was all just money and bringing in cocaine so in the 80s when that thing went on with those cops the city got the gun put to the head they're like bro you got all these latinos and you got no latins on the police force you got to put more cops in the police force in a hurry jesus before this gets out of hand so they even do background checks oh my god they sealed all their juvie records and they hired all these cops and they had four cops right the cowboy cop yeah that were just pulling you over taking your drugs and throwing you into the river that's what they call the river cops the

river cops i remember me and joe were in coconut grove the week one of them got let out of jail he got a job as a cook and the whole community signed petitions to not, it was at a cafe called Mambo down there, for him not to be hired in the community, because he killed a bunch of fucking people. I mean, they weren't, like, killing people because they did something wrong to them. They were just pulling you over, shooting you,

and throwing you in the fucking river. How did he get out of jail? How is that possible? He did that time. Whoa, that's silly. That's silly. that's a murderer they got arrested they got arrested in 85 and they were walking the streets how many people did they kill though they should be dead i don't know you gotta look at a bunch of people you're dead you don't

get out of jail that's ridiculous that's nonsense i'm liberal about a lot of shit i'm liberal about gay marriage but about that you can suck my dick. That guy needs to be done. Bro, the system has these fucking loopholes. You know, in reality, let's say he did 14 fucking years. That's what it is. They give him a 30-year fucking sentence or a 20-year sentence. They give you a 20-year sentence, you do 10. And then you go in front of the parole board, and the parole

board votes on you to get out on the street or not. And a violent offense. Why isn't Manson released? Because who the fuck is going to release him? This guy goes in front of the parole board and whacks him off with a Nazi thing on his forehead. Who's going to hire that fucking guy? Who's going to hire him?

What social security benefit does he fucking have, that guy? Yeah, he was awesome. What are you going to do? I am your Jesus. You made me, man. I lived off your garbage. I lived in your streets, man. I lived off your garbage. I lived in your streets, man. He was a spooky dude.

See, that's the dude you hired to be a salesman. He talked to all those bitches at the shoot, shooting people, cutting them open. Oh, yeah. By the way, people don't even realize that. He didn't kill anybody. He might have killed one guy, but almost everybody in that whole organization

was killed by that Tex Watson guy who went on to, and squeaky from who tried to kill president ford i had a dog named squeaky from who wound up killing one of my other dogs oh yeah squeaky yeah that crazy bitch the last name is squeaky yeah crazy dogs yeah that whole manson thing was a trip because he didn't even really kill anybody man those those other people killed people for that tex watson guy and that tex watson guy became like a serious born again christian while he's in the hole you know it's probably the only way he can ever rationalize his situation and where he's going i mean and what he did murder those people they cut a baby out of

a woman's body you know that what supposedly made Roman Polanski crazy. That was his wife, or his girl. I don't know if they were married. I think it was his wife. But she had his baby inside of her, and the fucking Manson family came and cut her out. I mean, it's really sick shit, man. The whole thing is really sick. I mean, they wrote shit on the walls and stuff. It's like really, it's a scary, scary, dark proposition that some little crazy psychopath was able to talk these people into just committing just horrible murders for him. Some sick fuck figured out a way to control these people and get all these lost people together and just unleash them.

And they were a family. Figured out a way to control these people. And get all these lost people together and just unleash them. You know? And they were a family. Like, what a crazy fucking thing that must have been, man. Could you imagine? First of all, Charles Manson could have never existed without Google. That shit would have never worked. Because he would have been talking crazy shit and girls would have been pulling out their phones going, Wait a minute, that's not true.

You know, this is how it's done. The government's set up this way. The Congress controls this. But back then, he could say anything. He was just a charismatic guy, and they were looking for guidance. Next thing you know, Charlie Manson's the fucking daddy of the family. What? This weird, crazy little wild ex-con is the leader of this group of fucking psychopaths.

They're running around cutting people up. And that sort of symbolized for a lot of people what was wrong with the 60s. That's what symbolized for a lot of people what was wrong with the drug culture and the hippies that there was, you know, amongst them, they weren't all altruistic. There's a lot of hippies that were just fucking crazy, and drug use had to be stopped because some people just couldn't take it. Look at the Manson family.

And that was a good reason for justification. That one group of fucking crazy assholes ruined it for a lot of people. Dog, but you can't blame it all on drugs. No, you can't. It was a bunch of kids. It's like we sit here every week. And how do people get caught up in a cult?

How do people... They need love, man. Same reason why people get caught up in a cult how do people you know they need love man same reason why they get caught up in gangs how does how does my friend's parents were in mexico going to school their white couple from michigan educated good families went to mexico got talked into moving to pennsylvania and moving into a cult then they started having kids with the cult leader oh the guy started fucking the wife oh when does wife. What hold do you have in your soul when you're a DNA that you allow that into you? And that's any cult, whether it's Jim Jones,

whether it's a religious sector. We're all looking for a hold to fill. That was their fucking hold that they had to go kill fucking people at night because some guy sent them. I mean, it's a bunch of people that were confused that ran into a fucking salesman when people run into a salesman it's a bad fucking day for you yeah they ran into a salesman again the guy might have killed one fucking person

i ain't killing nobody on this joe rogan i see him stab somebody first then give me the knife i'm stabbed because we're all going down here and you're gonna send me to go ice some fucking guy because the lord sent you you know dave koresh you know these people fill a void your road yeah it's not the drugs the drugs accelerates the fucking weakness to a point because they're confused now they're fucking confused you know i was essentially in a cult because i was in uh and when you're doing martial arts it's a positive cult when but you get involved in something like taekwondo one of the great things about it is it teaches you discipline and oh, Master Kim, and you have to bow to the master, and you know, the younger students, they bow to you, and everyone's in line, and everything

is yes, sir, yes, sir. I mean, it's all positive, and you learn a lot from it. Don't get me wrong. I mean, it greatly enhanced my life. Martial arts completely changed who I am. But when you look at it, there's a lot of culty shit to it. You know, it's not like Brazilian jiu--jitsu the instructors they they get respect more just by rolling with people and explaining techniques and by the reputation is that they don't have to go in and everybody bow

and everybody bows in class and lines up and turn it's very militaristic you know we would bow to the flag and bow to the instructor and ki i and you know everything would be everything would be done you know like this intensity and focus okay what's up what do you want i just gotta ask him something keep talking i'll ask him something but you know it's very culty it's it's a good thing it was a great thing for me but it could be abused and i knew it was abused. Not with my school, but I saw it with other schools. There was always scandals.

Like an instructor did something fucked up or one guy in the karate. What are you guys talking about? A fucking charger. This guy's got everything on him. A charger for what? What do you need? A charger for my phone. That's why I was playing with your wires, brother.

Oh, that's. Work, iPhone dorks. No. You guys got a thousand fucking wires you gotta go iphone son you know resistance got the iphone i i who has trios i like that i like that uh you look at it it's kind of cold it is a cold age you know it was a very positive cult but it's very positive but i was very lucky that the cult that i had not only did they not take advantage of me and doing anything negative to me but in fact they not take advantage of me and do anything negative

to me, but in fact, they enhanced me. They taught me a lot of discipline and they gave me a job and they gave me like construction free. Like I trained at a place called the Jaehyun Kim Taekwondo Institute in Boston. And so one of the best experiences of my life, uh, when I say it's a cult, I in no way mean that anything negative happened to me because of it was only positive but we were in a really good school we were like one of the best schools in the country we we saw and it was everything was done the way it was supposed to be everything was done with like real serious intent it was a top class taekwondo school but there was a lot of other karate schools and taekwondo schools that were in the martial arts community we watched like big scandals happen and it was a lot of it was because people would get into that position of power

and they would start abusing them because everybody treated their sifu, their sensei, whoever it was, they treated them like they were a god. And there was a lot of sex scandals would happen in martial arts schools. It was super common. One guy got in trouble, a really famous guy got in trouble for having sex with some 17-year-old girl. It became a big statutory rape thing.

It was real common that people were completely enamored by their instructors. It's one of the reasons why, in a lot of those arts, the instructors wanted to keep everyone down and scared. They had to be almost invincible in your eyes. Because otherwise, you're moving up the ladder, and you're the top black belt in the school. Then the instructor is the only guy that's left that you're really not really sparring with you know how do you think you do with him man he doesn't really spar with anybody man what is his timing like even you know can i can i beat that guy and you start thinking those things you never think that way about your instructor in in a proper school setting because the the seniors and the the upper ranks and your

instructor they become like they become a father figure they become like, they become a father figure. They become like a, you know, a king, you know, becomes like, it's very important to, to give in to their, you know, their, their order, you know, and he called them sir all the time. It's very culty, but it's really good for you. You know what this country does not remember, and neither do you, because you're a young man, I'm an old man. I was alive before Bruce Lee died. I was alive. I was dressed up like... When did he die? What year did he die?

He died in 73. But I was part of that walking around with a Kung Fu suit on and going to Chinatown and burning incense in the house and eating rice with chopsticks. And my mom was like, are you fucking serious? Are you fucking crazy? And I remember when he died, the sad... Like, people couldn't believe it.

It was like John Lennon fucking died. And what happened after that with martial arts? You know, when I was a kid, I went to Laronjo's father, Rolando, whatever, and that was a school on 98th and West End. That was the only school for Miles' guy. You're talking about Rahsaan? Rahsaan's dad. You know, and all of a sudden, martial arts blew up.

Like, karate schools in the 60s in this country were, ten-five fingers of Death came out. You know, the Chinese Connection, Enter the Dragon. That was way before because he died right after the movie got released. But a year before the Enter the Dragon came out, you know, black guys were losing their mind. They were all walking around with kung fu suits. White guys.

Everybody who had bruised elbows. Because everybody had new chucks. You either had bruises in the back of your fucking neck or because, you know, you had to do... When Corrado the Hong Kong Cat came out, he had new chucks and he would put copper tubes at the end for plumbing and that's when people were really fucking starting to hurt themselves.

That was around 74. After Bruce Lee died, then everybody started taking out Bruce Lee, step aside Bruce Lee and make way for Corrado, the Hong Kong cat. All that shit started. But I was here in this country, and what happened? So people thought it was a fucking savior. Like, finally, I can learn how to fight.

Finally, I can learn confidence. Let me tell you something. It only becomes a cult when you walk out that door thinking you're invincible. That's when it becomes a cult. And you've seen it those type on those schools and i see it happen with the girls they get caught up something bad happens they go in there and by the time they're a purple belt they're like i could actually take a fucking guy oh they get crazy oh yeah well there's a lot of a lot of women i think especially in jujitsu that

purple belts probably could take no they could fucking take you i'm not saying in jujitsu it becomes a cult. It becomes a cult when I go out there and go, you know what? I'm going to go to a white castle at 2 in the morning. I'm going to take out four motherfuckers. That's when it becomes a cult. I don't want you to ever think that. You're experienced a little bit more than most people in striking and stuff like that.

But I never want you to think it's really a kung fu movie where you're going to go into a Steven Seagal. People shoot people, man. People stab people. You get hit with a chair in the head. Good night. Oh, no more eye ball for you. Reality's a motherfucker. Reality's a motherfucker. When somebody takes a stick out, that's not the class, motherfucker.

By the way, everybody's doing that. 90% of those things happen because someone's trying to prove something. And if you didn't, if you just assessed the situation, instead of thinking, oh, I'm going to prove this motherfucker. I'm going to show this motherfucker what's up. Instead of doing that, just think think smart just get out of there do you what you if this if these were hyenas would you say no they're human hyenas get out of there you're in a situation whenever you're in a situation if it can possibly be avoided that you don't fight don't

fight the last thing you want to do is open up that door to negativity you know you beat someone physically first of all they beat you it horrific. And you're at their mercy, by the way. And that could happen. And Mazzagati ain't there. Yeah, you gotta realize. So always remember, this ain't the UFC

with Mazzagati and Joe, whatever's gonna come out. Some people... I've known a lot of dudes who have thought they were absolutely invincible. Oh my God. They thought they were

absolutely invincible. They'd stand up to anybody. Nobody could talk shit to them and then they get the fuck beat out of them one night. You know, you might fuck up, and all of a sudden, you know, you get in a fight,

and you don't know that this kid is like a state champion wrestler, and he picks you up there and dumps you on your fucking head on the concrete, and you're fucked up for a long time. I mean, guys can die from that shit. He could punch you. I mean, who knows how merciful this guy is.

He might start punching your fucking face in while you're unconscious, and you can't do shit. Imagine that, waking up to multiple concussions and your nose exploding on your face and you're not even waking up. You just use shocks of images.

Your body can't even move because this fucking gorilla is pounding your face into a pancake. That's all really possible, man. You know why you used to see that a lot? Fighting is stupid. You know why you used to see that a lot?

Unless you want to do it for a living. You know why you used to see a lot of people get knocked out of the Jersey Shore? Oh, yeah. The Jersey Shore. I used to see a lot of people get knocked out? The Jersey Shore. Oh, yeah. The Jersey Shore. I used to see some good fights with Greedo just sitting there.

Jersey Shore is wild, man. Before that TV show, I wonder what it's like now. But when we used to go down there and do Bob Gonzo gigs, holy shit, that place was wild. Jersey Shore is wild. It's like a beach community of all savages.

It's like 90% savages. Seaside, Seaside Park. Island Beach, Long Beach Island. We have no idea, Brian. It's a fucking blast. But now the beaches are packed bumper to bumper. You got people on top of you. People put makeup on.

It's like everybody's fucking Kim Kardashian. They go to the fucking beach. Well, they don't understand. They see a show like Jersey Shore and they are baffled. They're baffled. Like, how are these motherfuckers on TV and we're not?

What the fuck is going on? We're more interesting guys. So everybody's trying to, you know, find their angle in. It's, I mean, I don't blame them. Shit, man. If I lived there,

I'd probably be trying to do the exact same thing. You know, why not? Shit, you see these people, all of a sudden, they're making millions of dollars and they're essentially doing the same shit you do. And you've got to work all day. That's preposterous. You know, why not? Shit, you see these people, all of a sudden they're making millions of dollars and they're essentially doing the same shit you do.

And you've got to work all day. That's preposterous. You know, to them it must be, like, mind-boggling. Snooki must blow all, there must be a lot of hot bitches in Jersey that would just attack Snooki if they ever saw her. They, like, feel like that girl's stealing from them. You know, like, how is this fucking girl? She thinks she's hot?

Oh, my God, she's fucking hot? Now she's pregnant? Who fucked her? who fucked her who fucked her if they saw me if the fucking producers had met me for sure i'd be on that show for sure i'd be on that show that fucking ah that angry jersey fucking squawky girl an angry italian girl type is that the most unattractive it's a combination between the angry italian girl from boston and the the angry Italian girl from Jersey that that's very specific squawky sort of violence threatening

And the peace I say There's a lot of hair and going on It's not complaining some girls even when you know it gets to the point where I actually having you know Like if you if you tried to get to a relationship with them, you start dating them, go out with them a few times, get closer, closer, closer. Sometimes you've got to wonder, is this going to be worth it? What's going on here? Before you actually have sex with them, they're holding it over you.

It's this reward that one day will take place if you do exactly as I say. You ain't mushy. Those girls would scare the shit out of me. why are you so controlling you crazy bitch do we like each other or not can you imagine this jersey shore if we had to live in the middle of that me you and joey diaz fucking like a two-bedroom apartment and we had to in the middle and we had to work at the nightclub that's next door all three of us had to do it for a year. Wow. It would be an experiment. We would all fucking. First of all, death squad goes to Jersey Shore.

Those fuckers go crazy. We might be able to teach them some shit. Those kids are going to lose. Those Jersey Shore kids are fucking crazy. I'd have seminars with those kids all day. I'd teach them about eating weed. For real. Teach them about yoga.

Teach them about yoga. Teach them about yoga. What are you going to eat with that? Those guys eat. Start jujitsu classes. I think you would start wearing bandanas. Deep wall. They shoot. They lift twice a week.

They lift twice a week? And they just work on their biceps. Bring them into the gym. It's amazing, bro. They're fucking nuts. Give them some free jujitsu lessons. Show them some shit about how the country really works. Get them to eat weed.

If you ever want. You can change them. You can turn them around. Have you ever worn a bandana like on your head like did it like like Bruce Springsteen again I probably tried it once or twice it's I think I tried it once at the gym because a lot of dudes were in him at the gym let's bring it back but it's really stupid because it just slides up because I'm expressive so I move my forehead a lot and it just slides up and

then it falls off your head we should make a stretchy bandana that's like comfortable i've always hated accessories for guys though um i like wallet chains people give me shit about having wallet chains no no no that shit is functional i'm talking about like fucking people get dressed up to go to the gym or the beach and they like the accessories like get the fuck out yeah if i see a hot chick in the hat and the ponytail is going through the thing. It's too planned Well, we're East Coast anybody that tries too hard was always a douche bag any guy shows up at the beach with a fucking parrot On his shoulder. What are you doing asshole? You know, who are you? You know guys walking through the park with a snake is my pet snake. Whoa, can I touch it?

Who are you you fucking weirdo? You know, I mean like when someone tried really hard to be eccentric It's always like get the fuck out of here with your cowboy hat. You're from Pennsylvania Who are you, you fucking weirdo? You know what I mean? Like when someone tried really hard to be eccentric, it's always like, get the fuck out of here with your cowboy hat. You're from Pennsylvania, shit. I can't stand when they put glasses on. I'll tell you what my pet peeves are. When somebody wears glasses to look different. Yeah, how about glasses that aren't real? Remember that?

That was a trend for a while. They drive me crazy. And people that grow up, all of a sudden, now they play golf. Come here. You're from Jersey City. How about I put my dick in your fucking nose? You're from Jersey City. You're going to go play fucking golf.

But golf is supposed to be fun. What's wrong with that? I just don't like it. You are from where you're from. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, but I know people from everywhere play golf. No, no, no, no, no. Some people just do it just to be cool.

Oh, just to fit in? Yeah, like, oh, I play golf. It is a weird thing how there's a lot of people that do that. I've had a lot of people ask me if I play golf because they want to have meetings with me on a golf course. And I was like, wow, no. Nope, none of that. But you can't say, do you play pool? Because, no, not as many people play pool.

When you tell them no, they look at you like, fucking, you're not part of our club? Yeah, I know. You don't want to be in the Skull and Bones golf society? You don't want to play $100 to walk around in a fucking 18. Get the fuck out of here. Walk around the fucking park and hit a pigeon. I know a place that's a golf course. It's a country club, and it costs a quarter million dollars to join.

Just a quarter million dollars just to join. And then you have to pay yearly dues. But just to get in, you have to give them a quarter of a million dollars for the rights to use this stupid fucking that's for the joneses chunk of land but think about how dumb that is how many members must these motherfuckers see you at the club on sunday ew so to keep anybody out that's not just stupid rich it's all just maseratis and ferraris and porsches and it's a weird place to drive by because you're like what what a weird slice of the world right there. That's like an Uber

1%. But then they fuck themselves because Ludacris joins the club. And that's when it's all over but the shot because they say they all get together and go, we don't know. Charge them $200 million. Raise the price to half a million. That motherfucker shows up with three quarters of a million. There was a crazy baseball player

that actually just got kicked out of Lake Sherwood. Some athlete, pro athlete was living there. And that's another place, the Lake Sherwood Country Club. It's another one of those. Let me find that. It was Robin Hood. What's up, B?

What's up? 20 fucking charges. You got no charges for your Uncle Joey. You have some crazy phone. You got some stupid kind of phone, man. You got to get yourself an iphone 4g perfect for uncle joey i don't need a camera you don't even know what it is i don't want to fucking talk to nobody he's rocking that 4g he's camping it out it's beautiful i think he's a

baseball player hold on a second dykstra what is his oh lenny dykstra no he's that that's the guy who's going to jail right yeah what did he do He was like robbing cars or something like that? What did he fucking do? You know what happened to him, bro? Mental illness. Really? I think he's crazy. You see that 60 Minutes or the HBO thing?

He's fucking crazy. And I met him, and he was a decent type of guy. I met him on the Best Dance Sports Show, and he was okay then. He had the car wash. He was making money. It was Lenny Dykstra. He was the one who was kicked out. Oh, please.

Lenny Dykstra did a thousand and whatnot. His son's dating the chick from the Sopranos. He was making money. It was Lenny Dykstra. He was the one who was kicked out. Oh, please. Lenny Dykstra did a thousand and one. Now his son's dating the chick from the Sopranos. I seen that today. Really? Yeah, he's crazy. Bro, Lenny Dykstra is crazy as. So what did he do? Like, what was his scam to try to steal cars?

You know what, bro? What were they doing? I don't fucking know. How do you go from being like a world-renowned baseball player to be a guy who steals cars? I don't fucking know the whole thing. I just know that he went bad on a bunch of people with 60 Minutes or it was on HBO. Did a thing on him, Real Sports, and he was hysterical. He was like, God, he was like, you know, so are you broke right now?

And he went in his pocket with all hundreds. I look fucking broke. But you owe millions. Fuck him. Fuck him. Holy shit. I'm going to live my life. I mean, you can't do that.

So now they're going at him for everything. And right now he's in a downward spiral. Not only are they watching him, but on top of that, he's giving them something to do. And now he's trying to rob from Peter to pay Paul, just trying to do what anybody would do. And that fucking thing, you're going to make mistakes.

He's going to be in worse shape than he was. What did he do he went to the car and tried to sell it he did something crazy i don't know what the fuck he did i mean it's just was it a coke thing is that is that what happens because is there drugs involved when guys start making such terrible decisions i think desperation fucking crazy he's just crazy if you see the interview on hbo real sports you'll go there's something wrong there that guy. Why would you give him a loan for a fucking $2 million? But this guy had a plane. He was flying around.

He would go from Hollywood to Calabasas in a plane, bitch. Wow. You know, I mean, this guy was crazy. Butlers. And all of a sudden, he lost that. He was living in his house. They took the furniture. They took everything.

Wow. But I do remember that. When he went in his pocket and he had the fucking thing. And he's like, I'm not broke, bitch. Check this out. You want your money? Come get it. Very coke-heavy episode we got going on here.

So it is. Let me tell you something, man. How dare you? But you know what? It's got to be hard. Like, I hear Chris Tucker's been out. You know that. He's been what?

Out. Every night. He goes to the Ha Ha, the Improv, the Comedy Store. Oh, really? Every night. That's good. Eight guys doing comedy

and he's up there talking. Is he doing well? He's doing well, but people are asking him, like, why are you motherfucking on stage? He goes,

because $20 million ain't shit. He goes, at the end of the fucking week, he goes, I thought I had $200 million. He's been telling the story lately on stage.

He goes, I'm broke. It's called the government shit. Once they come get theirs, and a lot of these people, bro, spend and they don't realize that Uncle Sam's fucking watching. You got to give half that dough. Those checks are coming in, but you don't know. And when you're black, let's face it, when you're anything, Joe Rogan, your lost relatives start calling you.

This guy and that guy. The money goes fast, bro. You know what's going on with Gallagher, right? Gallagher's had a gang heart attack. Right, right. And he just decided he's retiring. No more going on the road. He's like, I'll give the banks the houses.

I can't pay for these houses. Because he's doing these little comedy clubs. Just to stay alive. But I would have thought that Gallagher would have been able to draw more than that. That doesn't make sense to me. That he has to do these tiny little clothes. Show that was 20 years ago, bro. Yeah, but I would think still just for the variety of it.

Look, he was not, it wasn't the best show in the world, but it was ridiculous. It was a fun thing to do. Show people move on. Shame on him for still taking it to that point. For this depending on the big house payments on little things. Right. A lot of people don't plan ahead did you ever hear him on the mark maron show no i just heard it this week and uh i i actually heard

a clip of it off of youtube i heard when he uh he left and it's fucking remarkable it's really crazy you know like a lot of people give mark maron a hard time for uh his interview style and you know and and for causing you know uncomfortable moments with people but this shit wasn't him at all this guy's crazy he's an asshole oh my god dude first of all what he was talking about comics you know like saying what they shouldn't shouldn't do you know that you shouldn't talk about yourself on stage you know like nobody wants to hear that and maron was like what are you talking about like what if you have something entertaining to to say on stage like that that like, what are you talking about? If you have something entertaining to say on stage,

somehow that makes you less of a comic? It was preposterous. Your life is what makes you different. He said, it was saying shit like, you can never work a state fair. And Marin was like, who the fuck wants to work a state fair? What a weird thing to say. But that's really what he was saying. He was really saying that if you don't do your comedy for everybody, you'll never be able to work a state fair you should do it the

way i'm doing it and he's saying so you're dismissing a great deal of really highly respected performers and gallery's like they're doing it wrong he's a dick he's crazy i saw him making fun of a guy with i think we've talked about it yeah sarah paul's there's something i can't remember what he has where i mean he's yeah, he fucking can't walk right and stuff, and he made fun of him. I don't know what it is or why he's like that. He was huge, and his brother tried to rob him. Well, he gave his brother his act.

No, no, no. He gave his brother. I don't know the whole fucking thing. He either sold it to him or something, and his brother looked just like him, so it was an easy sell. And then he decided to come back. And when he decided to come back,

then he wanted his brother to stop. And then it became like a real problem. So then it was Gallagher and Gallagher 2. You know, like his brother was like, a lot of people thought they were going to see Gallagher. I mean, he was essentially doing the same act, which is really kind of fucking creepy. It's like some Invasion of the Body Snatchers type shit. All of a sudden, your brother's like taking over your life. Your brother's on the road doing your jokes.

You know, he has access to all of your material from your 14 one-hour specials. And I guess, like, they made some sort of a business deal. But, you know, after a while. You ever, you ever, you ever fucking. I even forgot what I was going to tell you. That cookie's kicking in and shit. The cookie? I knew Joey did something because before the podcast even started's he's the one who put the joint away

the quickest no i ate a little piece of a bang chocolate those bang chocolate triple strength the hash yeah your your eyelids look like they're sandbags right now oh yeah i'm pretty fucked up you know it must be amazing i mean i heard you say something to somebody at the store one time and it was it made sense or uh the the guy the guy from Oakland, the big guy that had the show about the school teacher. Big guy, school teacher. He had the show, hanging out with Mr. Cooper. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You and him were having a conversation one day.

Oh, my God. And he said something. Mark Curry. Mark Curry said something. Awesome dude, by the way. He said to you, you never buy. Motherfuckers don't know that you don't buy nothing to the fourth season. Yeah, he did say that.

Or you said it. Somebody said you don't buy something to the fourth season. Yeah, he did say that. And, or you said, somebody said you don't buy something to the fourth season. Right. And what happens here, you make a little bit of scratch, man, and it goes. Yeah. And, you know, Joe, even if you're financially, your house is paid for, that house exists. You still got to pay for that. You have to pay insurance.

Property taxes are still big. You have to make money. A $3 million house, you still got to make money to pay those fucking taxes. And you know what? The road ain't cut. And you know, Joe, you ever watch VH1, like where are they now? You ever get stuck, you're smoking dope in the afternoon, and they show like cherry pie. Right.

He's mine. He just died. Right. He died out here. In a hotel. Not out here. He was in, I think he was in West Hills or Woodland Hills. Right around here somewhere.

Yeah, like one of those weird hotels that are like right off of the 101, man. Right. I'm just giving you an example. It's 10 miles away from here. It's a great one. They'll show like one of those bands, like 867-5309. Let's just take them. Who knows what happened to them?

Right. But they'll always go to the singer. The singer now has a successful clothing line for children. That's one thing comics have never prepared for. You really think your fucking act is going to work in 20 years? Do you really in 20 years from today want to go out there talking about DMT? I mean, I do. I stopped talking about DMT.

Well, whatever. After the first six months of Q&As. You have to be prepared. You have to evolve in this sport. Yeah, well, you have to still be relevant because you have to still be doing what you want to be doing this um yeah well you have to still be relevant because you have to still be doing what you want to be doing you know that's what's really important and if you are in 20 years from now you're still in love with stand-up i don't suspect i won't be man i love stand-up now stand-up i love stand-up as much now as i did when i first started if you

go to gallagher gallagher you ever thought about doing a podcast he'd say no to you because his thinking isn't like that. Well, everybody's stand-up, you know, there's some people that they're not like a podcast

sort of a guy. Joe, Joe, Joe, I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about evolution.

A lot of these guys in the 90s came in and were giving shit to them at the comedy store. There's rumors about the people

get off stage at the comedy store and they'd be club fucking owners right there going, hey, what are you doing

February 13th? Here's a plane ticket. See you then. It's a different patois. Even if you see a comic from the 90s, his style's a little fucking different, guy. Right. Okay? You see it, and you can't.

So now you have to evolve. You know what? I could still do my comedy. There's still people that want to see me, but I'll evolve. I'll do a podcast. I'll get a webpage. I'll draw a blog. I'll do all these things it's very important to keep the fucking people that i have these guys you go to with an idea that it's going to enhance them they're going to go nah i'll just i'll just

get my people on the road fine then everybody's on twitter we had the discussion before the thing yeah one day i find out i'm going to miamirov and I put it on there. I call fucking the ladies. Like, I don't know what I got for radio. I call Bert Kreischer. Bert said to go on Ron and Paul. I just put it on Twitter.

So you're talking about to promote the show. To promote the show. I'm not talking about these shows. I'm talking about any show. I put it on Twitter. Hey, any suggestions

of radio stations in Florida I'd like to go on. Within three days I had 20 people contacting me. So if you're a comedian you're not fucking around with Twitter. You're crazy. Any businessman, anything, if you're trying to market a product that you have and you're not on Twitter or on a computer and tweeting with people

and communicating and putting your videos up and giving away stuff, then you're in a different fucking planet. Hey, 2012. If you're a comedian, you could be the funniest guy in the world. Yeah, I agree with you. This is a big part of entertainment today, I pay for 500 fucking channels a month, and so do you, 620, when you add fuel and all those communist fucking channels up there, I pay for 600 channels a month, but I'm still on my computer, 50 to 60% of my fucking day, 70% of my day, I watch a few shows. The Walking Dead, The Killing.

But let's fucking face it. You might catch a documentary and you think I'm the only guy. I don't even like the computer. There's people who live on fucking there. So if you're not working on there today, I'm not talking about five years ago, today. And I learned that from, and I tell you all the time, from Irvine last summer. No radio. He still sold the place out.

1,600 seats. The seat's 320 times five shows. Yeah, we stopped doing, well, we still do our friends when we do local radio shows. You know, if it's like, it's the guys that, you know, I've done their show before, and I look forward to doing it, like Dale Dudley in Austin. But we don't have to do anything anymore. That's the crazy thing is it's all our fans now. I don't even like that word.

It's all our fans now. I don't even like that word. It's all our people now. Everyone knows exactly what the fuck is up when they get there. It's a completely different crowd. Last year on Christmas, how much did sales go up online? 38%. In two years, you're not going to leave the house to buy dick. There's no reason to leave the house. Amazon, I fucking suck their ass.

I want to suck Mr. Amazon's dick. Because he's genius. Listen, bro. One click. One click. And you can do it on your phone. I just got the Doche book two days fucking later. I got it on whatever.

I order coconut water. I order fucking weed papers. You can order everything off of fucking that Amazon. By the way, on Amazon, you can get it on a fucking book reader app, and you can watch it and read it on your phone. You can buy a lot of different guys' books as a download and read it on a book reader on your phone. So you'd have it on you all the time. I mean, the amount of storage that your phone has is incredible.

I have the little Amazon app on my iPhone. I have fucking, I don't know, 20, 30 books on my iPhone. So you use the Amazon app before you use Apple's iBooks app? No, I use that too. Oh. But I use both of them. They're both great. The iBooks is awesome too.

The iBooks I like, I really love for the iPad. Yeah. It's the shit. I love the turning of the pages. Have you seen the new one? It has the graphic. Have you looked at a new one yet? No, I haven't seen one.

It's really hard to tell, but yeah, you can kind of see a little bit more depth, but it's not a huge difference. Yeah, to me, what it is is the iPad's something that's, like, when you're sitting on the couch and you're fucking bored, you know, you just fuck around and see what's going on in your email, see what's going on in the message board. I don't, it's a temporary thing. It's like, I've got to leave in 20 minutes, let me pick up my iPad. I like it for games. I think it's way better than any other. Oh, yeah, for moving and shit? Yeah, that's incredible.

The gyroscope in it. Yeah, for kids. Yeah. Can I write on there, cuz? Write on it? Yeah, you could. You could write in Notepad. You know, there's.

What about, can I go online? That's where I put all my ideas. You see internet? So you got to hook me up on an iPad, bro? Yeah, sure. I'll give you one. The Notepad.

I don't want one. I don't want you to give me one. I want you to take me to Apple and tell me what to buy and what programs. I'll sell you my iPad, too. Well, whatever you want. Why don't you teach me? I one. I want you to take me to Apple and tell me what to buy and what program. I'll sell you my iPad, too. Well, whatever you want. Why don't you teach me?

I got to take something of a road. What the fuck are you eating over there? What are you fucking mint from American Airlines? I got to hide these things from you. No, bro. You put everything here. I got to take something. You know what I'm saying?

I know, but just eat it and then talk. I'm over here thinking whether I took my fish capsules today. I did. You got the Ultraman. You got everything here, bro. I ain't managing. I just, I did. You got the Ultra, man. You got everything here, brother. I ain't managing. I just, you know. You got everything over here.

I was going to be on Opie and Anthony last night. I was like on the line, but then I got too tired. I just hung up. But me and Anthony were both up for that Shorty Award bullshit for Web Show. I told you that was nonsense. Let me pee. Tell the story to Joey. So me and like Jim Nortonorton was also up i think for

now explain to me what a shorty award is shorty award this is something i found out during all the shorty award is is like you get nominated by people and then you uh the most the top five or there's all these categories like you're your best comedian best web show and there's a lot of categories and so if people start uh voting for you then you know you the top seven people i think uh get uh nominated for that category so like out of like hundreds and hundreds of hundreds of people i was in the top seven i was number three i think uh and so was anthony from opie and anthony and some wrestler named zach rider or something like that and uh so the the the top seven are up for this nominee and then like everyone's started telling me like uh hey you know that that shit's just a scam what they do is they get you everyone to vote

for you on twitter and then uh so all these people are trying to win like Anthony's tweeting, I'm tweeting hey please vote for me. All these people are tweeting so it just thinks everyone, it just advertises the Shorty Awards and then so everybody then who wins the Shorty Awards they have like, it's very suspect

like who wins. So it's almost like the Shorty Awards is like this big scam to promote certain things. Okay, but do you feel that it's a scam because you lost no no i heard this before it uh ended okay and then i stopped kind of promoting the shorty awards at near the end because people were telling me all about it and so then uh when i watched like jim norton wasn't uh we was up for best comedian i I don't know who won that. Anthony was who I thought should have won. But then this like miscellaneous girl that everyone's telling me is like it's the worst show ever.

And there's like she had like one eighth of the vote that Anthony had or one tenth of the vote even. I try not to generalize about things too much. But in general. All the categories were like this. I think award shows are fucking stupid. Why you care that's what i feel here's the only reason why i i even question it more is because after you get nominated it's they have the ceremony in new york and then they immediately sent me an email for like for the 400 package you get to come in and and meet with other people and stuff like that and it's What? So they're selling you a vacation package?

They're selling you really expensive tickets even if you're nominated for an award. So you can't go to the award unless you pay to go to the award or something like that. So wait a minute. So they're offering you to buy tickets to go to an award show where you're nominated. Nominated, yes.

That is ridiculous. So it's a big money-making venture. It's a big money-making convention. And say i'm not this is just my opinion i would say that the people that won that there's a reason why they all want it you know there's a reason why they all want you think it's all horseshit i think it's all horseshit how can they get away with that i don't know how can they get away with that because once in a while they give it to somebody legit like conan o'brien or something like that just so they can have a photo of him holding it. You don't think that they have to quantify

or calculate what their numbers are? Look at that invisible children shit that's going on right now. That guy said he was going to keep 90% of the donation or something like that. Yeah, isn't that amazing? People are trying to find ways to make money. They got him on video. One of the guys on video. Of course. I caught that shit

before the naked incident. I will give you money directly. I will give you money directly if you need it. And it breaks my heart when you see a hurricane or you see an earthquake and you want to send 50 bucks or 100. But in the back of my mind, I say, why? Because I've worked for those organizations

where you sign up with the cops, for example. You call people and go, Joee rogan how you doing joe diaz pb92 here we'll call them because the cops want to get bulletproof things if you sign up with us for advertising in our book we will give you a sticker and that goes in the back of your car when you get pulled over for a ticket you tell the cop you donated and he'll leniency and all this bullshit so let's say you donate 500 how much do you actually think goes to that that's the good question 30 30 that's 30 something percent okay

so basically you're 500 and that's even if it goes that's even if it goes at one with every fucking earthquake every catastrophe there's always donations and two years later what do you read yeah somebody clipped a donation. Even Wyclef Jean with the fucking Haiti. A million dollars is a lot of fucking money when people give it to you. I'm not saying he stole it. I'm not no judge, but I'm just saying. You have all that money.

What was he being accused of? Wyclef Jean. Fucking clipping his fucking organization for Haiti, the Haiti Foundation. That's just money laundering pretty much, right? I don't really know. That's how you, if you've laundering pretty much, right? I don't really know. That's how you, if you've got tons of money. Well, I don't think so. I think, you know what I think?

I think people, they start out with ideas of doing something that helps, but they also want to get paid. And it's a difficult job, and they feel like they should get paid along with helping. So a certain percentage of the money has to go towards the staff. And that's just how they feel, and it becomes a business. Now, you said to me you were going to Haiti. Nothing wrong with being paid to do charitable work.

I understand. But if you said to me you were going to Haiti and I gave you $100 and you said to me, Joey, I'm going to take all the money I get and I'm going to pay for a plane ticket and whatever out of this money. I understand that. That's what I understand.

I don't understand when I'm giving you $100 and you've got to take Brian with you and put it for the lights at your office and write your car off on it. Well, they have to have some sort of infrastructure though, no? But 30% of what I've fucking given you. Yeah, that seems too much, but I've had a feeling- 33% or something? Every business is fucking really expensive to run, man.

You know, it's expensive to buy plane tickets. It's expensive to ship things. It's expensive to keep the lights on, keep the heat on, keep the air conditioning on, keep people getting checks every fucking week, steady checks every week. You got to keep money coming in every week in order to just pay these people to stay inside the organization. It's a constant money eating machine. And I think a lot of people aren't aware of that when you think about any charitable organizations. Everything costs money. The world costs money. So it's hard for these people to figure out a way to do it and balance it right.

That said, you get something like the Coney situation, and you get some fucking crazy assholes. That's what you got there. You know, you got some guy who, that guy who went crazy in San Diego, could he have put more gay flair into what he was doing when he was running around throwing his arms through the air?

And I mean, that guy clearly has some sort of a weird fucking nutty suppression. He went nuts. He pulled off this scam, made some stupid amount of money, probably looked at his PayPal account, did some meth and just ran outside and said, I gotta be me. And I thought that this was it. You know, he was just going to run naked through the streets of San Diego and beat off in front of fucking passing by cars. To be fair, he was running with invisible children.

We just couldn't see it. Oh, they were all invisible. Yeah, that's a fucking fascinating situation, man. That guy made a lot of money really quickly. Yeah, if you're going to have a charity, you might as well call it something like invisible children too. So in the courtroom, you could always use a defense. It was called invisible children, seriously. So in the courtroom, you could always use a defense. It was called Invisible Children.

Seriously. Did no one figure that out? I wonder how this is going to play out. Because it's obvious now that everybody's been hustled. Now it's pretty obvious. The guy's crazy. The other guy seems to have said something really dubious. PayPal, if you have donated to this guy, PayPal lets you reverse it for up to, I think,

three months. So it's even longer than a Visa card. So was, hmm, I wonder who paid in which way. I think most people probably used PayPal. Everyone uses PayPal.

But ladies and gentlemen, I don't want to advise you what to do, but I think you know what to do. Yeah. Jesus fucking Christ. Don't let that go.

This Cody situation is very unique and stuff Yeah I'll tell you what's Starting to scare the shit out Of Uncle Joey guys Is the Trevor fucking Situation in Florida

Yeah That's not gonna end good That's not gonna end good That's the beginning There's wheels going In this country right now There's wheels going And you can tell me

That the kid smoked pot Or he got suspended from school Yeah that doesn't mean shit Once the dude said That you stop following The fucking kid. And you know what? They're going to have to arrest this guy or somebody.

It's going to get ugly. You're down there in Florida, dog, where those brothers are fucking crazy. Yeah. And that heat and all that, but gumbo juice and shit, you know, it's going to be bad. And they're having rallies all over the country. The whole thing is so scary. It's very scary, gentlemen. Strap a fucking pair on if they don't arrest this motherfucker within the next week or do something.

They got to do something. Yeah. And you know what? That guy had tried to be a cop. No shit. And had been rejected. No shit. This is an easy story to figure out.

Not only that, he had a string of ridiculous 911 calls. Yeah. Stand my guard, fucking law. He called 911 for a nine-year-old kid. There was a nine-year-old kid in his neighborhood, and he called 911 for him. You better fucking prepare for that one, because if that shit don't strap on, I'd give it another 10 days before something starts. Something has to start.

We're going there, man. It has to. It has to. It's going to be like fucking fight the power and do the right thing at the end when the fucking brothers went crazy and Bed-Stuy. And it's going to be fucking, you know what? I can't blame them what part of florida is this all going down stanford stanford stanford something like that close to miami i think i don't know exactly the point we're going to hollywood i'm going to be with duncan trussell at the improv april 13th

14th and 15th the improv in fort lauderd. I've just been watching this thing escalate. Or not. I'm watching this thing escalate. See exactly where it is. See exactly where it is, little brother. Yeah, it's kind of interesting. Look, it's fucked up, man. There's no bringing a kid back. It's fucked up, period. Even if the kid did something,

even if the kid was a punk, even if the kid was... There's no bringing a kid back really the most disturbing thing to me always is lost potential you know and any any person who's been a punk at 15 and 16 you know deserves a chance to learn from their mistakes every kid does i mean outside of horrible sociopathic crimes and murders and things along those lines, every kid, you know, everybody makes mistakes,

especially people without poor guidance or in a bad environment. So, you know, regardless of what happened that day, I feel terrible because this, you know, a potential is gone. You know, that's how you got to look at a kid. A kid is potential. I know so many people. Look at you. I know so many people that at one point in their life were not good people. They were fucked up.

They were in a bad place. But they turned around and became some of my favorite people. You're a perfect example. You always tell these stories about kidnapping dudes and fucking tying them up with a machine gun. But you're one of my favorite people. Yeah, but you're one of my favorite people vagina yeah but you're one of my favorite people on the planet you know and i i you know you come over and play with my kids you know what i'm saying it's like people don't realize that people actually absolutely can change it is very possible so when you see a young kid dying even if the kid was

doing something bad i mean you know kid was just, yeah. There's criminals and there's confusion. Just a kid, yeah. There's criminals and there's confusion. Yeah. People, kids don't know what the fuck they want to do. I was lost. I thought that's what I wanted to do. And once I did it, I seen the reality of it

and I never did it again. And for some people, they take the lesson, they run with it. And for some other people, they fucking keep doing what they were doing because they don't really want to go anywhere. Yeah. They don't really want to go anywhere. Even. They don't really want to go anywhere.

Even in my darkest moments, I always just wanted a little bit of light so I could shine just to go forward. That's all I was ever looking for. That sounds like a Hallmark car. That's beautiful. Write that shit down. I wasn't looking for anything. I was looking for 1,500 hours just to get me started. That's it.

To get an apartment, to get a car. Right. That's all I wanted. to get an apartment, to get a car. It's all I wanted, but it was between the addiction and the things around me and myself and my weaknesses, it was a spinning ball that you can't get yourself out of. Thank whoever the fuck is up there watching me that I got a break and whatever,

and today I'm not fucking letting it or whatever, but I'm alive. When I wake up in the mornings, I'm alive, dog. I didn't think I was going to be alive at 49. Who the fuck are you kidding? I didn't want to be alive at 49, but now I want to be alive, man. It's beautiful because I crossed over. I don't have that thing in the back of your mind, which is addiction.

The same thing people have when they're gay or when they're in the closet about something they did. That weighs, that bears heavy on your fucking soul. It doesn't bear on your psyche. It bears on your soul. I always felt less than what I was. It bears heavy on your fucking soul. It doesn't bear on your psyche. It bears on your soul. I always felt less than what I was, even if I killed, because I'm still a fucking junkie. That always is circling your fucking dome, man. You know?

And that's why I always, I feel bad for, I see something sometimes and I know exactly what it is. You know, when a guy wants to be a cop, how many guys you grew up with that? We're fucking cops when they were eight. They were school guards. They took it a little bit too, cross the street, walk on the line. Bitch, you don't even get paid for this. How about I steal your fucking lunchbox and hit you in the head with it? There's a lot of kids, and they grow up, and they have the flag on their shirt.

Jesus Christ, you know, these spics are taking over. And then they go for the cop test, and there's a problem. They're fucking psychologically fucking deranged. So now they become a security guard at a mall. And they take that job too fucking seriously. Last night, I'm at the Ha Ha Mwaka. It's a Kevin James movie. Paul Blart. They get dark.

For some people, it's a job. For some people, it's a job. Some people like to control. I got a 911 here. Shut the fuck up. I stole a pack of fucking gum, you fucking moron. Some people like to control people. You know, it's like when I watch a cop show and they high five when they bust somebody.

Oh, we did it. What'd you do? Did you know that Tim Sylvia is a cop? No. Yeah. Where? I forget. I think it's somewhere.

I mean, it was cold out wherever it was. I guess it's probably Iowa. It's probably somewhere in Iowa. Yeah. It might not be Iowa. Like for bachelor parties? No, he was a fucking cop. He was doing a lot of shifts as a police officer.

They showed they went on tour with him. Or tour. On tour with him. On tour. They went on, when he was out, you know, doing his rounds. And what did they say? Cruising? What did they say? Cruising? What did he say?

Cops? Following his cruiser. Following his cruiser. Drive around. Isn't it funny that it can be a cruiser with a cop, but anybody else, you're looking to suck a guy's dick. Yeah, it's trolling. You're cruising.

If you're cruising, you're cruising for men, right? Anyway, he's trying to get back into the UFC I guess but he's doing like you know like he's taking some small fights and he works as a cop

and he actually likes doing it you know it seems like he'd be a nice guy to get pulled over by yeah some guys just talk yes

some guys you can tell yeah some people want to be cops for the right reasons for the right reasons yeah I mean that's there's a logic some people there's a way to get fucking flies with with gum instead of fucking vinegar Yeah. Some people want to be cops for the right reasons. For the right reasons. Yeah, I mean, that's the wrong logic. Some people.

There's a way to get fucking flies with gum instead of fucking vinegar. Last night I got out of the ha-ha. Last night I got out of the ha-ha. They do Monday nights, they do the comedy contest. I come back from the laugh factor. I pull over by the ha-ha, and the kid says, dog, you want to go up? I said, yeah, I'll close the show out while they count the things. It was black-heavy audience last night, okay?

If there was 60 people, there was 30 brothers they went there to see there's one black kid from chicago i didn't watch him i got there late and i went on stage whatever i get off the show ended we're outside i'm talking to the agostino and there's brothers standing three of them nice guys just talking talking about tomorrow's job but there's's no cars on Lancashire, so there's no cars parked. So the one guy is in the street, six inches from the sidewalk, talking. You know how sometimes you're smoking a cigarette away from people? Right. Fucking cop is on Lancashire.

And I'm watching this cop. He's at the light. And all of a sudden, he comes up to where these guys are standing. It stops, and 10 cars are behind in traffic. And he just stops and looks at them. And he puts his thing he puts his thing on he goes hey get back on the fucking sidewalk and the guy's like office i'm not doing he should shine the light like there's 200 people out there walking around this guy's being fucking johnny bananas out there so then he puts the light on me i'm just over there by the corner talking to the x didn't go what and he goes he turns around makes a u-turn

he goes what'd you say to me? I said, dog, you're over there harassing three fucking black guys with the problems we got in this country going on right now. Use your fucking head. What's wrong with you?

And he looked at me. What's your name? I go, I got my ID in the car. I wasn't drinking. I got nothing to bet. I got my weed in the car. I don't give a fuck. That's what you're worried about?

Three guys? What do you care? Let him get hit. What do you care? Let him get hit by the fucking car. Is he doing his job? No. Mind your fucking business.

There's things you look at and there's things you don't fucking look at. You ever go to Hollywood and you're driving and all of a sudden there's a bunch of traffic in Hollywood and you go around and you realize it's a cop pulling over a homeless guy that's on the corner laying there puking. So he pulls over like Adam 12 so you can have all this fucking traffic. Really, bitch? Where were you when they were shooting motherfuckers up in North Hollywood, motherfucker? You know what I'm saying? Like, they act like, really?

You're going to pull over to bother a homeless fucking guy? I think we can agree that there are some cunty cops. No, but there's cops that it's not right. But there's a lot of great cops, too. No, there's great fucking cops. The ones that look at you for what the fuck it is. Yeah. And they're like, dog, are you fucking serious?

Yeah, well, we've talked about this before on the podcast. And one of the problems is quotas. You know, in order to show that they're doing their job, they have to catch people doing shit. Especially speeding. Certain times of the month, you just get crazy speed. It's ridiculous. It's incredible that that's really a tactic. Because then what would happen if it was ever completely resolved?

What the fuck would they ever do if everybody just followed the speed limit? Because that's common, man. This Google car shit, when they're going to have cars that are going to be, you're going to get in them, and you could fucking be on your computer, you could be doing whatever you want. It's a personal craft that's going to be able to follow a pattern and get you somewhere. You're not going to have to

do any driving anymore this is it's a hundred percent on the way if you've seen the google videos right brian crushing cars google cars you haven't are you serious yeah i don't see prepare to get your fucking mind blown google pull up pull up on that thing. Google car drives itself. Dude, Google is for sure Skynet. There's no doubt about it. Google is going to be one day when we talk back, like the way we view the ancient Egyptians and we try to decipher their society, Google is going to play a huge part in the myth of the downing

of the American society and the downing of the Western world. Is that a commercial first? Looks like it. I don't know if it is, though. What did you pull up? A Google car. Google car that drives itself? Scoot back a little so I can see this.

I'm also a very cautious driver. But like most people, much of my life depends on the motor car. Oh, she's killing me. Fast forward this hooker. Oh, whoa. The kind of fuel it uses. But changing something far more fundamental. When I say hooker, I say I would love.

She seems like a nice lady. I'm just saying that. Oh, she does have her vagina out. She does not. Pull forward so we can watch this fucking car drive itself. Let me do a different one. There's a couple Google commercials. You just say Google car drives itself.

Did you Google that? Testing driving the Google car. This sounds okay. Well, they did one of them. The one I wanted to show you. Making the leap from search engines to car engines, but not for just any car. The new Google car is unlike anything else on the road because it drives itself. Becky Worley joins us via Skype

and you went along for a test drive. I did. Good morning, Robin. Yeah, you heard that right. Google, the internet company, has been secretly working on a sophisticated combination of hardware and software that could revolutionize the feasibility of a self-driving car. Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to witness for the first time on any screen a preview of things to come in your car of tomorrow. Ah, old visions of futuristic cars.

First, cruise control. Then, cars that park themselves. And then, ones that helped you avoid fender benders. But now? And now it's driving again. A self-driving car. And from, of all companies, Google. It uses cameras inside to spot traffic lights and other things. It also uses this thing on the top, which is a scanning laser. They say this car has already driven itself 140,000 miles. Jesus Christ. Driven itself? Really? Here's how

it works. You tell the car your destination, it plots a route, it's aware of speed limits, traffic patterns, and known obstacles. So the wheel just turned completely by itself? Completely by itself. It's not intended to replace drivers, but to help them. What the fuck? It's like super cruise control. Imagine clicking the button for auto drive when you wanted to dial a phone number or read a text. Jesus. If you wish to drive it, just fine. when you wanted to dial a phone number or read a text. If you wish to drive it, just fine. If you wish to waste 52 minutes in commute traffic, go ahead, be my guest. In fact, Google touts safety as their motivation.

They say this technology could one day cut traffic deaths in half. Whoa! It got really nervous. Yeah, it must have thought it saw somebody coming in down the on-ramp. So how does it handle stop signs and alternating turns with other cars at intersections? Cross walk ahead. It would be the same probably with pedestrian safety in the sense of using the radio signals to check and see who's in front of them, who's around. But how does it handle the unexpected? How about a little game of chicken?

Oh my God, my God. Fuck that. She's stepping in front of the car. But I was really scared it wouldn't. My hope is that we transform society to make traffic safer, more efficient, and also more pleasurable. Wow. This is incredible. Now, Google says they have no plans to put this to the consumer market anytime soon.

They don't know what it would cost when it does come to market. But besides safety, they say this hopes to, they hope this reduces emissions, reduces our dependence on fossil fuels, and, Robin, eases congestion. Wow. That's incredible, man. Because, you know, you see that if you, folks who are just listening to this, the video shows this thing on top of it, like some sort of a Star Trek thing spinning around in a circle.

Really fast and violently. And it's getting images of all the cars in the neighborhood and where they're coming from. And it's like an overhead view. It's really crazy. That does not seem like a good idea. Are you kidding me? It seems awesome. Well, I mean, right now. It seems awesome, dude.

It seems awesome. Would you trust that, though? Well, I like driving. I like the feeling. I have some cool cars. are you kidding me it seems all i mean right now it seems awesome dude it seems awesome would you trust that though well i like driving i like the feeling i have some cool cars i like the feeling of like a sporty car that handles well and i mean even like i said even not even driving irresponsibly just driving at normal highway speeds a sporty car is like it's just fun it feels like you're kind of doing a you know it's a ride but that would take all that out of it then it would just be you would just want to be comfortable but it would be a lot safer yeah what happens if you're like fucking all right i may push on that button and let it do its thing while i do a text message as an example you're on the freeway you look down

you're texting it the computer that it's it's running on for some reason just starts spinning you know like the the beach ball, like thinking about something, like it has a little hiccup and then a semi slams on its brakes and you're not looking up and you go right into

the back of the semi. That could be possible. It seems like you can't trust it that much. It is a computer. It's going to be a case of it and this car isn't ready to come out tomorrow.

The only fucking advantage I see to this car is you eat a cookie and you're driving and all of a and that motherfucker hits you and you're like, fuck this. Take me home. Take me home, bitch. That's the only advantage to something like this.

The advantage would be that this thing has gone over 100,000 miles with no accidents. That's incredible and it's on regular roads. It may be that that's a way better way for us to get along. I think it probably is. Would you be safe doing that if the whole thing was wired that way and that's the only people got around?

I think you'd probably be safer. The only problem we would have is if one day the system cracked and we had a lot of those cars going around and all the cars would start going fucking crazy and start doing 90 or whatever. It seems inevitable, though, doesn't it? Yeah, no, no. This is, and pretty soon these motherfuckers, they're going to have the car that flies right over you.

Yeah. The anti-traffic mobile. You just pop that motherfucker that goes up 10 feet in the air, they're going to have the car that flies right over you. The anti-traffic mobile. You just pop that motherfucker and it goes up 10 feet in the air. They're going to have everything. Well, you know, that was an event originally, rather. That's what they thought the helicopter was going to be. They thought the helicopter was going to be able to replace the car. And everyone would just fly around in helicopters.

That was the initial idea. I can't imagine how horrible that would be. Everyone had fucking helicopters. Texting and flying. Sound like shit all night long. flying yeah flying over your house no one would have any privacy you know like even it didn't matter it doesn't matter where you live you could live behind

the tallest of gates and the highest of mountains someone just fly up there just fly over your fucking house bitch I'm over your house they could fuck with you on people's houses and stuff they could just throw rocks off the top of their helicopter at you pee on those houses open the window and just drop some shit on your house they could always be over

your house yeah you could never stop you know you could stop someone from driving in your driveway how the fuck do you stop them from flying over your house like like climb down a ladder and have sex on people's houses would be popular to do, like celebrities' houses. People would be mad as fuck because they'd hear that helicopter, and they don't even bother having that guy take off and come back. No, they keep it hovering. I'm going to pee. I'm going to have sex on Joey Rogan's house. It's like fucking being in an apocalypse now.

It's like living in that fucking movie. That would be a nightmare. Then there'd have to be more helicopters in the sky that are cops to stop these motherfuckers. Pull over, pull over. Constant crashes. How would you even make them pull over? Yeah, you get too close the sky that are cops to stop these motherfuckers. Pull over, pull over. Constant crashes. How would you even make them pull over? Yeah, you get too close, you guys are going to hit blades and everybody dies. What if we all had hot air balloons?

That'd be pretty crazy. That'd be pretty stupid. That'd be cool, though. The sky would look awesome if we all had hot air balloons. Well, people would be falling out of the fucking sky all the time. Their bodies everywhere on the floor. That's how husbands and wives would get rid of each other. Take each other up in a hot air balloon and fucking shoot a hole in the parachute.

We both go, you motherfucker. Boom, boom. But we could dress up our hot air balloons with certain designs. And like Joey Dears would just have a huge godfather design. We'd be just sitting in this thing. Or something. Just sitting in this balloon floating around. That shit's getting the shit out of me, dog.

That shit's big in Colorado. It should. In Colorado, they have the big festivals i think also in arizona and in colorado i would wake up early in snowmass village and go see what they were doing there with the whole fucking thing we went down there but it was the day we were supposed to uh go there it was canceled because of the weather yeah we made a trip down to colorado springs and god the fucking traffic back was brutal brutal that's bad there's one lane this way one lane that way.

Oh, that's fucking a nightmare. How many people are here? There's a lot of people here. Why don't you expand this shit, you crazy fucks? Well, some of the shit they just save for the whole patois. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Like, fucking why?

It was natural. Well, there's some roads that are preposterous to the amount of people that are traveling through them for them to be that narrow. The worst road they have up there is Independence Pass. That's the worst thing I've ever been on in my life. That's what connects Aspen and Denver. But it closes.

What's the matter, Brian? People are asking me in real life. They don't get it. Somebody just asked me, do you know if there's an Olive Garden in Vegas? A friend of mine. And I'm like, come on, dude. Are you being serious?

Do you think that's funny? Why would I know that? What does that have to do with? You just asked me why I was laughing. Oh, so you were just reading your phone. Yeah, somebody just texted me. Well, Independence Pass closes in late August and it opens in June

because that's how dangerous it is because that's where it starts snowing first. It snows everywhere else a month later because that's the higher elevations. And the good thing about it is when you hit Aspen and you go through this thing, it's two lanes, but two skinny fucking lanes.

As skinny as they can be allowed by law. And there's some turns that you... But at the end of that, they have the whatever black wolf at the end of that they have the the whatever black uh black wolf and at the end it's like a bed and breakfast and the lady's got wolves and they fucking how at night people like it yeah so it's pretty cool if you ever did the crazy thing is if you're on those roads and someone breaks down that's when it's crazy because you got to kind of help them because

there's nobody anywhere anywhere near that and there's probably no cell phone service either no there's nothing yeah if you see someone broken's probably no cell phone service either. No, there's nothing. If you see someone broken down there, you've got to take a real big chance there. You might have to take somebody in your car and bring them with you. I don't like doing that, man. That's a good scam up there. Fuck that. Yeah, it is a good scam.

People pull guns out, pull your car over, especially if you have a nice car. They'll pretend to have a flat tire, especially if it's a guy and a girl. They look like respectable people super super normal scam you know to hijack people's cars they just found some girl in vermont they uh found her body in the woods and her her car was running and her kid was in the car it's really fucked up shit man when you hear those kind of stories you're like man you really do have to worry about people man you really do have to worry about people, man. You really do have to worry about people out there because every now and then someone's in the wrong place at the wrong time. And 99% of the people that you run into are

really nice people and they're not trying to hurt anybody. But there's been, there was another instance in, I think it was New Hampshire. This was in Vermont. I think there was an instance in New Hampshire where the same thing, a woman turned up missing and her kid was in the car uh unharmed and uh then turned out she was dead and they don't have a they never found a suspect they didn't know who the fuck did it there's people out there that have gone away with murder they're still out there that's that's a fact 100 this ain't csi i've been in two fucked up situations where i remember one time i was like 14 it snowed like two feet of snow in Jersey, and the buses weren't working. I wanted to shoot hoops, so I walked to St. Michael's,

but we ended up staying there until like midnight, and I had no buses, and I had to walk home, and a fucking car pulled over. He's like, get in the car. You want to ride? Yeah. He goes, where do you go? And I used to get off on Sears. And I remember that he started playing with the ball.

The ball was between my legs. And he started playing with the ball. If you want, we and he started playing with the ball if you want we come to my house I got games over there and shit and I didn't know what to do I didn't know how to punch him I'm not gonna tell you I was gonna knock him out and there was a god because at my life the door opened I hadn't closed it all the way or something the door opened I just said thank you and I ran the fuck out of there and he made a u-turn and but you know I went through i could i cut through schutzen park and all that shit he couldn't find me can you imagine scary shit right there can you imagine being one of those motherfuckers too and that's your compulsion your compulsion is to go after kids how terrible must like that when that

sandusky guy do you know that story that he got taped they got him on a wiretap from earlier before all this broke out from years back there was a woman and he uh was accused of doing something inappropriate with her son and she was talking to him on the phone and he said i wish i was dead that's what he said when they were talking to him about it he said i wish i was dead that's how they feel what a terrible sick fucking broken thing in the brain to make you do that think of that's what they feel. What a terrible, sick, fucking broken thing in the brain to make you do that. Think of that's what that thing that people have.

But isn't it fucked up that the brain is so weird like that that it can't do something like that? That someone could find themselves somehow or another in that kind of a terrible jail of a life? But here's the beauty of it. If you really read this whole thing in the showers, this fucking guy was pleading to get caught. Really?

Look at it. Listen, if I have a little boy, you think I'm going to shower him at the school fucking gym? You fuck. You think I'm going to take him to a school gym? I don't think they have any place else to go. We could just work it out. He also had a wife.

Something, yes, yes. And apparently one of the kids said that he was over the house and he was screaming for help and the wife ignored him. He was screaming for help. What kind ignored him he was screaming for help and he talked about it like help this guy's fucking me like the first time sandusky fucked him he's screaming for help and the wife just ignored him the wife is probably any other room master yeah the wife uh they they also lived apparently he lives like right across the street from a schoolyard. So he sits in the back porch and he watches kids play from his fucking house. Like, whoa. Isn't it amazing that guy was in that position for so long?

I mean, if you think the world makes sense and that things come to light always, not necessarily, man. They kept that a secret for a long goddamn time maybe the people deep inside knew about it but we didn't know about it for a long goddamn time that's a pretty impressive bit of secret keeping you know i wonder how many other secrets are like that out there you know especially in places where it becomes sort of cult-like like penn state i mean when that guy when nobody even wanted to hear why they fired Joe Paterno, they just wanted to turn cars over and light things on fire. Like you can't, you can't fire him. You can't fire him. There was riots, man. People were just going crazy and demonstrating

and screaming and yelling. And they were really mad. They were really mad. They just, they would never even think that he could have been somehow or another aware that is the guy he was working with for years was a kid fucker but he might have been he might have been they might have let it slide that's some scary shit that guy took kids with him on vacation that guy took kids with him to games and they stayed in the same room this is some dark dark dark shit you know People should have known about that a long time ago. You know what's crazy, Charles? I was one of those kids that went to camps. I was on PAL basketball, and the cops slept in the room with you.

You know what, man? I sit and think of all that shit and how lucky I am. Nobody ever. I was a wee blow for a week. I didn't like that shit. But as a kid, I never really, I don't know what that world would be like it's so dark for a child any crime against a child is so dark because it stays with them forever yeah it changes their life it changes their life it makes them adjust to life with that it just sits in your soul so much in those years those formative years

and the really scary thing is that supposedly, I mean, their thinking is the people that perpetrated it are ones who are victims themselves. And that's, it fucking short circuits their whole thing and makes them want to molest children. It's terrible, man. It's the whole thing is, they almost want to bring someone into it.

Like, it's like a vampire, you know, like someone infecting someone else with the same thing that they got, you know? And that's how you pass it on. I mean, I wonder how many references and how much of the mythology of the vampire is based on things like that. You know, that could easily be what it would be from.

You know, someone who has something horrible done to them when they're younger, they become that horrible thing, you know? There's probably one person that started it all, you know, because he was the first person to molest a kid and then it just grew and grew and i think monkeys man the thing is if you look at monkeys like it's and i say monkeys by the way i know that it's apes it's chimpanzees i know it's apes monkey sounds cooler so i use monkey you're not supposed to do that but if you look at like if you look at bonobo chimpanzees they are the closest to us as far as genetically them and regular chim, they are the closest to us as far as genetically. Them and regular chimpanzees are the closest to the other primates. Bonobos, they fuck the shit out of each other.

Everybody fucks everybody. The only people that don't fuck is the mother doesn't fuck the son. And I think that's it. I think the men fuck their daughters. The females, they'll fuck sisters. They'll fuck everybody. Everybody gets fucked. That's weird because you'd think like it would be interesting to see like yeah that that monkey has molested

this monkey this monkey has molested that monkey the one that got molested throws poop more the other one you know he's got a real job they see there's no there's no one gets out alive in the jungle everybody's getting fucked this is not like it's it's not like this you know what it is is just a rampant fuck festival the bonobos they settle all their arguments with fucking it's not like it's it's not like this you know what it is is just a rampant fuck festival the bonobos they settle all their arguments with fucking it's crazy gay sex straight sex it's nuts everybody fucks everybody there's no monogamy at all you know and the really nutty thing is there's a giant leap between that and monogamous relationships that most people try to keep together in the in the human world like that's a as far as behaviorally that's really kind of the antithesis of what the bonobos our closest ancestors do and how they get

by you know they just fuck everybody and we just try to keep it together and only fuck one person it's kind of fascinating when you think about it but those uh those crazy monkeys they fuck everything man bonobo squad yeah i mean it's almost we're trying to get past all that because we realize that it's a selfishness trying to get past all that because we realize that it's a selfishness and that you shouldn't only you should only be able to have sex with in our rationalization. Someone who understands what sex is and someone who is an adult can make their own decisions. That's like that's how a normal culture handles it even though the they want it when they're younger and people become sexual when they're younger. We've decided that

you know in order to keep society together, you can't just go around as a 40-year-old person banging 13-year-olds. That's just crazy. It doesn't matter if they have a period. This shit's preposterous. You're not even giving them a chance. It's cheating. It's shooting fish in a barrel.

It's molestation. It doesn't matter if they like it. We made some rational, smart decisions when it comes to that shit. I can't, it doesn't matter if they like it. You know, we made some rational, smart decisions when it comes to that shit. You know, I can't tell how old kids are. You know,

I can't fucking tell. Sometimes you can't. It's one of those symptoms of cocaine. Like 16, 16 and 17 year olds, there's a lot of them that look like women.

No, that's what I'm about to say. I met a light before coming up here. You know, the school over here, I met a light and kids are crossing.

There was a girl with shorts on. Yeah. I remember that, you know, you're in your car and lighten kids across there was a girl with shorts on yeah yeah i remember that you know you're in your car it's really hard you look over and she was crossing the street i'm thinking to myself i couldn't do something like that of course you didn't even look at her i can't even look at this girl of course you couldn't because you're a moral person and because you're a moral but to look at a young girl like that jesus christ how could somebody think?

Well, how old are these girls? What are you looking at? They had to be fucking high school. Okay. See, that's where it gets tricky. When it's like 16, 17, they start looking like women and they're 5'9". Yeah. It gets tricky.

It's almost impossible. It gets tricky. Even with the trick, a guy like you. You're a moral person. And I look at them and go, it wouldn't even be a conquest for me. Of course. It would be an embarrassment for a guy like you you're a moral person and I look at them and go it wouldn't even be a conquest for me it would be an embarrassment for a guy like me right

but that's in the context of our culture in the context of your body your body would want to fuck that girl Joe Diaz if you were alone with her and you and her were on an island

and she's cuddling up with you every night to sleep and then she just reaches down your package and rubs your balls and starts kissing your ear and your dick is hard

like a god goddamn crowbar. Yeah, she might only be 17, but her pussy is dripping down her leg. You touch her thigh, you feel it dripping. You remember that when they were 17? Remember that shit? They would get so wet, they would gush. Remember that shit? Yeah, you'd fuck her, okay?

Case closed. Don't judge. When I was 20, when I was about 20 or 19, I worked in an electrical supply house, Swift Electric. We all took those warehouse jobs. Right. And the guy that had the warehouse had to be 48. And his girlfriend, his wife, had just turned 17. And he had been with her since she was 13.

Oh. Weird. And that was legal? At the time, I guess it was legal. He he had been in trouble but he got a pregnant so they had to stay together but he was a grown man dating a girl in high school that was wow she wasn't all there and he wasn't all there you know i mean obviously you could see it but just the thought of him telling me yeah my wife is 17 or 18 i'm like he goes we've been together for five years. What?

Could you imagine picking a girl out when she was like 12, and you're just friends with her until she's 18, and then you start putting the moves on her? Jesus Christ. That's creepy to think about. Dude, there's some of them, their age of consent is really low. Yeah, like 16 is Hawaii or something. I think it's Hawaii.

I think it's Hawaii. I think it's, well, I'll have to figure this out. All right, here we go. The lowest, it seems like, 15 is Colorado. 15. Jesus Christ. Oh, my 15. That can't be still real. You still want to move to Jersey?

That can't be real. I don't know what year this is. 1999. What's this Jersey, guys? In 1999, what was Jersey? Okay. In 1999, Jersey was... By the way, that's pretty fascinating.

16 and 18. I guess 16, 18, it must mean boys, girls. Wow. For boys, it's probably 16. For girls, it's 18. Fucking crazy. That's fucking crazy, man. Or is it girl, boy?

No, I would think boys would be younger. Oh, okay. Age 16, if the man is 21 or older. The girl has to be 16. If the female is over 12. What? 12? Hold on a second.

I can marry a 12-year-old? Some of them. Oh, my God. This is in 1999. Connecticut, 15. Colorado, 15. That means you could fuck a 15-year-old, man. Just a few years ago.

Michigan, 16. Michigan, 16. Minnesota, 16. Wow. Most of the country, by the way, is not 18. Yeah. This is back in 1999. I already knew that. The dude from Lost married that whatever, 15-year-old.

Yeah, North Carolina, 16. North Dakota, 16. It all goes down to South Carolina, 14. 14 in South Carolina, Myrtle Beach. Wow, that's incredible. You're fucking 40 years old. That's probably what it is. You're 40 years old and you're fucking a 16-year-old.

Right. What if she has a lot of cheeseburgers and she's way advanced for her age? Still, what are you talking about, Joey? This is hormones in the meat. You don't talk about anything. You show them cartoons while you're banging doggy style. Don't do that, Joey. I'm just kidding. No, no, no, no. I just don't talk about anything you show them cartoons while you're banging for doggy style don't do that joey i'm just kidding no no no i just don't understand this you know you have to be but people don't understand what we do it's animalistic man it's natural to be attracted to a girl that has a great body regardless of if she's 18 or 19 or you know

some of them 17 they look they like you remember like, who was the... Tracy Lourdes. Tracy Lourdes, when she first burst on the scene. She was, like, this really famous porn star because it turned out she did all these films. She got, like, real famous. But she was underage. She was, like... 14, 15.

That's why Hunger Games is so popular. Everyone wants to eat that girl out. I don't know what you're talking about. I haven't seen Hunger Games, so I don't know anything. It's all about... Don't say shit about it. I don't want to know. I don't know anything about it. I went to see't seen Hunger Games, so I don't know anything. It's all about Hunger Games. Don't say shit about it. I don't want to know. I don't know anything about it.

I went to see it. Is it good? I heard it's really good. That's why I don't want to hear shit. Doug Benson hated it. Doug Benson's a silly bitch. We love him. We love him, but he's a silly bitch.

Where are you going? We're in Louisville. Oh, shit. We're in Duncan, Trussell, Louisville, Kentucky. Oh, shit. Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Boom, Sherlock, Lock, boom. This Wednesday.

I'm tightening down for my special, which is April 20th in Atlanta at the Tabernacle. Joe Diaz will be in the house as always. Every fucking show that I recorded ever since the beginning, Joe Diaz has been a part of that shit. That's right. And that's on 420 in Atlanta. And the first show is already sold out. So the second show is about half sold out right now.

So get on that shit. We're going to have a good time. It's going to be fun. And then I'm going to release it Louis C.K. style, five bucks online, which you're doing, by the way, too, with a documentary. You know what I'm doing? You know what I'm doing? I'm doing it on iTunes.

April 2nd is pre-sales, and then I'm releasing it Friday the 13th, the last evening. And what is it? It's either you or the priest. Okay. And then the documentary, I think I'm going to release it on Friday the 13th too because the graphic guy is out. I thought if you or the priest is already out. It's out on Payloads, but people want to buy it on iTunes. Oh, okay.

People just want to buy it on iTunes. There's people that just have iTunes accounts. Okay. So you're going to put you or the priest on iTunes and when will that be? Friday the 13th. Friday the 13th. And then? Documentary, the graphic guy just called and he said it's going to take him another week.

We can release it on the 2nd as we planned, but now we'll just wait for the graphics. Now, what is this documentary? You know, man, I started making those Mad Flavor stupid fucking videos. You know, and I got great responses, and it was funny what people wanted to see. You mean the MMA ones? No, just the ones with me going to the weed store. Oh, right. Okay.

Acupuncture. Right. Taking a shower with the cat. The cat that likes to get wet and shit. Right. And just fucking around. You know, and people started emailing me shit that they thought would be interesting. And I'm like, you can't give people what the fuck they want all the time.

Right. But I really made sense. They're like, we want to see what this Carmine guy looks like. What does he look like? Like my friend Carmine Balzano. Does he really exist? We want to see what lubes looks like. looks like what does he look like like my friend carmine balzano does he really exist we want to see what lubes looks like right does he really stutter and i started thinking about it and i went on twitter and asked for donations and i got money i got a camera the

cameraman he went to jersey and i taped like my grandma's school some of my fucked up buddies just to tell some stories and then that night when you see me i did a one-man show to surround it so that would put the pieces together. Oh, that sounds great. Listen, bro, it's five bucks. I don't even know if I'm going to charge for it. It was just something I wanted to do just to let people know. That sounds great. That sounds like a great idea.

What it really is, I wanted to show people that, you know, when my parents died, it seems like a really bad thing when you're a kid. It really does. It's a horrible thing. But I was a fucking Spanish kid in this Italian-Irish community where nobody's more racist than fucking Italians. You know what I'm saying? They love throwing spic and nigger around and boyan and all this shit. I love it.

I got nothing against it. But these people opened up their homes to me. And then part of the reason when I was in that prison sitting there going, you know, now they won. The people who hated me growing up, the ones that said I was just a junkie, they won. There's a handful of people that fed me and took care of me and gave me clothes and never talked about it getting breath they bring me fucking food food in the hotel so i just wanted to go show these people that's all i wanted to do that's it i don't want to release this in sunday

well you got some great stories man your stories along with meeting the actual people, that's guaranteed entertainment. Yeah. You know, and it's nothing I'm not going to fucking release that Sundance. I ain't no fucking whatever. I just did this for these Twitter people. We have such a great time on Twitter now and Facebook. This is my morning. From 6 to fucking 9, I'm up there playing music, calling them cocksuckers.

Yeah. And it enhances us. It does. Like we said on the phone that time, we don't have fans. This is a network. Duncan and I talked about it on his podcast, Duncan Trussell Family Hour. I did it the other day.

And one of the things that he was talking about is how great it is now that essentially everybody that we're hanging around with, everybody is doing great. Ari is doing great on the road. Duncan is doing great. You're doing great. Everything is doing great like ari is doing great on the road duncan is doing great you're doing great everything's doing great it's like it's it's building now the point where we can all like we all feel real good about everything and everything is is it's like we really truly are

like pumping each other up we really truly are bringing each other up which is really in hardest colony yeah which is what the comedy store started doing. We just kept taking it. Listen, man, this week I'm in Miami and you're in Louisville. There's nothing more in the world I wanted to do than was be in Louisville with you. We have so much fucking fun. But it's cool to break it up a little bit every now and then, too. But think about what's going on. That squad is out there.

Yeah. And now you're in Louisville. I'm in Kentucky. Segura's in fucking Connecticut. Right. That's that squad representing. So that squad's out there. We're clogging up the middle. We're clogging up the middle.

We're clogging up the hole. We're in the middle of that fucking octagon. You know what I'm saying? We're not against the fence no more. We're in the middle of the fucking octagon. Well, it's because of the podcast and because of the internet. People have been looking for something that's a little bit more wild than the shit they're getting fed on radio

and the shit they're getting fed on television. There's a lot of people out there that think like us they just don't have anybody else there that are that's on the internet or that's you know in any form of media that's expressing things that they're feeling you know and people are worried about their position and they're worried about their reputation they're worried about you know not getting crazy or saying too many things or let's not discuss that let's not discuss this and when you you get to uh a place where you can do something like this podcast and do it for a long time that those people really get to know who the fuck you are and you really can help each other they send you links

they send you interesting shit they send you information they send you encouragement it pumps you up i mean come on when you when you get get all those tweets from people, love you on the podcast, it feels great. It's a nice pump you up. You want to say thank you to as many of them as possible. It's like this big ripple. When I had the surgery, you know how many fucking people tweeted me paperwork on meniscus repair? Seven. And knee repair?

Yeah. And how many people offered me massages and come to Orange County and we'll do this for you? And come to Santa Monica and we'll do this for you and come to Santa Monica and we'll do this. Are you fucking kidding me? Some people, where are you going? They were like, dog, where are you doing PT at? I'll do it for free. I don't want nobody to do nothing for free.

I'll pay you. But just the thing that they weren't people, how's your knee? These people hit me up every day like, how's your knee? My knee's fucking fine. But Jesus Christ, how nice of you to ask. How nice of you to ask. People sent me up every day like, how's your knee? My knee's fucking fine. But Jesus Christ, how nice of you to ask. How nice of you to ask. People sent me a workout. There was a doctor that sent me a workout on Gmail.

He sent it to me in weeks, Joe. He took time out of his fucking schedule from New York Institute of Reconstructive fucking Knee Surgery, okay? That he listens to this podcast and follows me on Twitter or whatever. surgery, okay? That he listens to this podcast and follows me on Twitter or whatever. He sent me four weeks in a row the exercises I had to do for that week at home to strengthen my knee. And I did them. He even fucking told me, go get a rubber band and tie it and use the rubber band. I mean, this is a guy that's a doctor. And every week on my Gmail account, every Monday, I get the workout for the week. So I was going to PT, but I was also doing his workout. Wow.

Because that's what he specializes in. Because he said that when you're 20 and when you're 45 your meniscus is different. He doesn't want me falling into these exercises. He wanted to strengthen the essential parts of the knee at that age. He told me what vitamins to take. I mean, this guy was great. This is what we're a part of.

But on the other hand, how many people email you about comedy? And say, I'm starting. What do I do? And you fucking cut right through the chase. Yeah. You fucking tell them this is what it needs. Get on stage and write. This is what we're doing.

People hit me all the time. Dog, I'm doing this. I got to quit smoking dog because I'm going to be a, I got to quit smoking weed because I'm going to be a mailman. Then quit smoking weed. They're offering you a fucking job while you're being a knucklehead. We're all helping each other out here. Yeah.

And the first time in my life, in my career, I'm having a fucking fun time. I'm telling you, they call me for auditions now and I'm like, go fuck yourself. I do better on Twitter. Suck my dick. All I got to do is put on Twitter, I'm looking for an acting job.

Somebody will fucking hit me up. Because half the people on your network are fucking writers from shows. Yeah, there's a lot of that. They know. They know. So this Twitter is becoming something. You know, in the 80s it was cocaine.

Now it's Twitter and Facebook. You don't need that shit to be part of a social fucking network. You know what I'm saying? I definitely think that this is the best time ever to get your shit out there without having to rely on having a show or network. Nothing. You don't need anybody anymore. Yeah.

And the group of all of us together, like the loosely based group, I mean, Opie named us Death Squad because I came into the Opie and Anthony show once with Eddie Bravo, who was a jiu-jitsu black belt, and Tate Fletcher, who was a giant fucking gorilla, MMA fighter. And he's like, holy shit, Joe Rogan brought in the Death Squad. And that sort of stuck, and we started using it as a goof. But having a loosely based group where we're all together just because we love each other and we're friends and we're all funny and we all work together and hang out together and pump each other up you become a part of something and as that part of something like i really feel like when i see that duncan is uh on the road making great money and then ari selling out in this place and killing him in vancouver and i see all that it makes me feel great it makes me smile you know it makes me fired up

i feel like you know as a as a group that, when you have a whole bunch of people, the more everybody's doing well and the more everybody's happy and the more everybody's sort of progressing, it inspires you to do the same. It inspires you to work hard. It inspires you to continue to produce shit, get out there and bang your fucking sets out, write new shit. I'm always busy.

I always have something to do. Ten years ago, I had nothing to do. I always have something to do because if I'm not doing anything, I write a one-man show about crime. Last week, I did one about criminal stories. A whole one-man show. Yeah.

I already have pages and pages of years of written-out shit on computers just in different orders. So when I write one of these shows, all I have to do is go back to that page and just write the shit out. This is what I did for three years. I just got high and wrote.

I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know about apostrophes or how to spell there or there. You know what I'm saying? Like you forget all this shit. You're in your... Yeah, you forget all this shit. But you just wanted to get the ideas out.

It's good. Listen, man. Every comic has jokes, and we have great jokes. And the longer you're in this, you become a better performer. The thing that accentuates us is our lives and how we put it into our act. And if you don't put your life into your act, then you're just a comedian. And I didn't know that until one night I was listening to one of our friends on a Showtime special and he's one of our friends it's a weird different mid comic from the store and he always just said jokes like i was doing for years i was in the other room and i heard him and i go this is

why i'm not successful because i'm not just doing jokes i'm not telling them about me what i see with my eyes the world in my eyes by theche Mode is one of the greatest jams ever. They just break it down. It takes a while, though, to figure out what the fuck you are seeing. What your message is. Yeah. What your message is. You remember what it was like when you were 20 or 21?

You didn't have a fucking valid opinion on anything. Brian is 37. He struggles with this. Olive Garden, bitches. That's my brother. He already said it. When did he say it? He said it earlier.

He was talking about his friends lying about his friends texting him. Playboy Amber is in Vegas, and she asked, is there an Olive Garden in Vegas? I don't know who Playboy Amber is. I assume that's one of your friends. That's a beautiful name, though. She's a beautiful girl. Shazam. Ooh.

No, I'm very excited about this time. It's fun. It's a fun time. It's a great time to do shows, man. We have a show Wednesday, 200th episode. Yeah, Wednesday, 200th episode, which is tomorrow. Yeah, tomorrow. At the Ice House.

And there's a show, 8 p.m. show? It's 10 p.m. 10 p.m. show. 10 p.m. show tomorrow at the Ice House. And it's in the big room, which is still pretty small. It's only 150 seats, right? 200. Is it 200?

I think so. No way, really? 190 or 200. Whatever it is, it's awesome. It's one of the best clubs in the world. They just celebrated their 50th anniversary, if you can believe it or not. I think it's one of the oldest ones, right?

Yeah, I think it is the oldest. It plays ooze's character. I mean, it's just been around forever. It oozes it. It's like a museum. If you look around the walls and shit, there's all this really old headshots and old contracts and old album covers and shit.

Social security numbers. Yeah, we looked at one of them, and Brian goes, that's David Letterman's social security number. And then we get the manager over here and go, you could read his social security number. I hope he didn't change his... They put up his goddamn contract from 1976

or whatever the hell it was. All right, Paul? Yeah. Paul, they whited it up. I don't think they did. Yeah, I think they whited it up i don't think they did yeah i think they i think we read it we read it out yeah yeah they didn't they didn't they took down the picture immediately and then yeah when they whited it out yeah but we uh you're welcome dave yeah dave you might have just got lucky dave could have been one of those things yeah give me three minutes on your show now do you really want to go up there and stutter in front of the world yeah are you a letterman if you had to choose between one show if you could go on one camel 100 camel he's the hippest right he's he's

just the coolest guy the nicest guy have you seen uh camel's million or it's movie the movie what they he camel did this thing it's a seven-minute video or something like that. It's called Movie the Movie. It's a movie trailer about a fake movie, but it has almost every single actor you can think of in the movie. And it's so fucking great that now they're showing it in movie theaters before movies because it's so good. Really?

Yeah, so if you go to YouTube and click Movie the Movie, I think Kimmel has his own YouTube page, but it's fucking brilliant. It's great. See, I'm a lot of a dude, and I'll tell you why I'm and click Movie the Movie, I think Kim will have his own YouTube page. It's fucking brilliant. It's great. I'm a Letterman dude. I'll tell you why I'm a Letterman dude. I remember 30 years ago when Letterman was fucking hip and how hip he was and how bad of a motherfucker because he was going with the

anti-guest. That's what nobody remembers. If you want to see a great performance, go to YouTube and click Rick Picks on Letterman. Bix did Letterman a bunch of times. What's the black dude from Buffalo? The singer,

the one that died of crack and shit. Rick James on Letterman. Watch what comedy was. Watch what humor was when he went up there with a white suit on and he sang 69 times.

Really? And he would put his tongue out when he sat down and Letterman looked at him and he goes, that was quite a song. He goes, is that on your

Christmas album that's when Letterman was the shit Jack then another time he brought you know how he brings in dogs

he brought in the police dog from Kennedy Airport he's like show them what the dog is doing and finally he goes

can I ask you a question let's put this dog into the audience just to see if anybody's got drugs this is 20 fucking years ago so he was very hip. It's just now he's old,

and now people who go on there are selling shows. It's not just about people going on and talking. When Rick James got on and watched the interview, he didn't promote nothing. I think he's just tired, man. Yeah, he's tired. I can tell people get... Dog, five days a week.

Yeah. Five days a week, 30 fucking years. You got to be fresh. You got to look good. You don't want to perform too fucking bad. Look at your contract, bitch. Five shows a fucking week. You years. You got to be fresh. You got to look good. You don't want to perform too fucking bad. Look at your contract, bitch. Five shows a fucking week. You know, look at Chelsea Handler.

What she's doing is rough. You run out of shit sometimes. Yeah. You know, five days a week. I mean, we only do this. The most we've ever done this is like four days in a row. And you guys got no writers. And I can see if we did that every day, it would feel like.

And we have no writers. I have no writers. We don't have to sit down. You know, you watch. And no commercial breaks. You watch. The thing that I, why I don't like Saturday Night Live no writers. We don't have to sit down. You know, you watch. And no commercial breaks. You watch. The thing that I don't like Saturday Night Live is,

why I don't agree with Saturday Night Live is, because when you watch the end of it, look at how many writers they got. So you got 40 writers for this shit? I'd rather you have four

write a masterpiece. You have 40 writers and you're still doing jokes about, I got bit in the dick, it looks like you're gonna die? Seriously? 40 fucking writers. This is why I don't get it. I don't understand it. You got bit in the dick, looks like you're gonna die seriously 40 fucking writers this is why i don't get it i don't understand yeah you're bitten the dick is that a poison joke that fucking joke

that my uncle got bitten the dick by a snake so he called the guy the doctor says you gotta suck it up and he hung up the phone he goes what do you say it looks like you're gonna die yeah that's the third grade joke i've seen that one. Right, right, right. I've got fucking things. So you've got 40 fucking writers. Right. You know how hard it is to do Letterman every day. You've got to look at topical shit. Right. You've got to look at government shit. I mean, that's a tough job.

If he does five shows a week, you know, sometimes he lucks out because you've got a great guest. Right. Sometimes. But what if somebody goes out there fucking punk or something like that? You're going to save the show with animal tricks? It's 1130 at night. Well, he's notoriously hard on himself, too. He's one the show with animal tricks it's 11 30 at night well he's notoriously hard on himself too he's one of those guys that after it's over he gets angry and starts getting pissed that show sucked and like really really gets hard on himself

we're comedians yeah what was that like we kill and we suck yeah how come when we kill we go home we can't fall asleep well sometimes it feels good but most of the time there's like one thing that you're still struggling with trying to put it in. Even if you had a great set where they give you a standing ovation, if you blubbed one joke, that one blub will fucking haunt you. You forget, I've been with you backstage where you get off stage, and you've killed, and you look at Brian, and you

say, I forgot to do that joke. You just killed, but we forgot to do that fucking joke. How hard are we on ourselves? Motherfucker! I wrote that all fucking night. I killed him, I had him, and I fucking that fucking joke. How hard are we on ourselves? Motherfucker! I wrote that all fucking night. I killed him. I had him.

And I fucking forgot the joke. So you just killed him. Somebody else would have been fucking happy. Somebody else would have said, fuck the joke. Not us three. I go home now in that car ride on the way home. I'm figuring out that set and why I said that. How can I make it better? And I got a pen and pencil in the fucking car now,

a little notepad. Which is worse than texting. Which is, by the way, another reason why you should get a fucking iPhone, because that voice memo's from... I got the fucking voice memo. No, voice memo syncs up to your car,

so as you're driving, you go right off the stage, and then boom, it starts playing your set. Right on. That's incredible. The only thing is, I don't know where the fuck

it's gonna go, so I put the pen and pencil right fucking next to me, and that's it. We've got to rock this fucking closest beach. I love this motherfucker. I love that you guys had to go into it. Dude, you're the best. You're the best, man. You're the best.

Thank you very much for having me on. You have enriched my life considerably, Joe Diaz. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. You are. You are, man. Thank you for all the stakes you gave me, motherfucker. Listen, we've had some fucking great times together, man. I ain't going nowhere. I still have another 20 fucking years here. Of course you are. You are, man. Thank you for all the stakes you gave me, motherfucker. Listen, we've had some fucking great times together, man. I ain't going nowhere.

I still have another 20 fucking years here. Of course you are. Listen, I'm not guessing. I think you being with us, and one of the reasons I'm really excited about you coming to Atlanta, is like we said, I never did it. The first special I did, or the first CD I did, was in 1999. That's the only thing I've ever done without Joey Diaz. But I was in the cover.

Yeah, he was in the cover. I was in the cover. He was in the cover naked. I was in the middle of your CD. Usually, somebody has a CD, they open it, it's a picture of them hanging out, smoking a joint, drinking a beer. No, you put a picture of me with my nutsack out and my stomach right over it, which only a few people still have that picture. I have a bunch of those, man. If you still have that picture, we've still have that picture. I have a bunch of those, man. If you still have that picture, we've got to sell those.

I have a bunch of those CDs. I have those CDs. I have a stack of them. Yeah, we've got to sell those on the road because then they clap. You can blow that up. It's $147 on fucking Amazon, man. You can't even get that CD anymore. I've got to figure out a way to get it reprinted or something like that.

Reprinted? What? Just sell it digitally. Just put it on Amazon. Why do I own it? Warner Brothers owns it. It was my first CD. It was a Warner Brothers CD.

Well, talk to them. Yeah, I would love to get it put on. Call Bugs Up. I only have, I have a stack of them in my closet, and that's about it. But they're like stupid expensive on Amazon because you can't buy them new. But that photo of you, yeah, I mean,

I was a Joey Diaz fan from the fucking beginning. We did that cd in 1999 you know that was the creepiest day we took pictures with these creepy strippers that boyfriends were there puffing them up and yeah it was real weird disgusting yeah we wanted to get girls that looked like they had been partying you know we didn't want like the best looking girls we wanted girls that were pretty but girls that were Had mileage. Yeah, they had mileage on them.

We were looking for a certain look. Like I wore a tie and a suit jacket and so we took these pictures. The bitches they sent us they looked like

they got run over the fucking bus. Yeah. That one chick's pussy was flat like a like a fucking it was just flat. It had no lump to it

or nothing. There was a lot of that going on there. Their boyfriends were the weirdest thing nothing. There was a lot of that going on there. Their boyfriends were the weirdest thing, though. When you get to that sort of a weird, there's a lot of dudes that will find a girl that's like a stripper and they just like mooch off the girl. But they get into their heads, too.

Yeah, they get into their heads. DB, I'm your confidence. You've done this before. Go out there and show them how beautiful you are. Well, a lot of guys don't want, you know, guys who are successful, they don't want their girlfriends out there rubbing their pussy on somebody's pants. Amen, brother. Amen, son. So a lot of it is girls who find guys that have to deal with that because the guys don't have any money.

So they have these weird relationships where the woman is the one who makes the money and the guy stays home and shit and carries their luggage when they go on the road with them and stuff. Picks them up and he's security. Jesus Christ. I'm on motherfucking security and shit. Yeah. Anyway. Miami bitches this weekend. I wish all those people well.

Rogan's in Louisville, Kentucky. Redman's at the Ice House running shit. Ice House Wednesday. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Wednesday night, 10 p.m. Come on down, Pasadena. This is going to be a fun fucking show

and it will be our 200th podcast episode. And if you don't make it Wednesday, we have one Friday. Also, just go to icehousecomedy.com. But you won't be there because you'll be in Louisville checking me out, bitches, with Duncan Trestle of the Louisville Improv. Holla at your boy Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

Tickets available online. Tickets for Miami, 305-441-8200. Call right now, cocksuckers. Mad Flavor on Twitter. Follow him. Follow Red Band on Twitter. And my name is Joe Rogan. If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for the fleshlight,

you can enter in the code name Rogan and save yourself 15% off the number one sex toy for men. And we thank them for being our first original sponsor here on the Joe Rogan Experience. Thank you to Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, makers of Alpha Brain, Shroom Tech Sport, Shroom Tech Immune, and New Mood. All of them explained in great detail on Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T. First order of 30 pills, there is a 100% money back guarantee. You don't even have to sell the pills back. You just get your money back. We don't want anybody to get ripped off.

And I will tell you with 100% honesty, this is all stuff that I take. And I've taken it even before I ever started selling it. Yo. So that's it. That's the end of this fucking episode. I love you, Cock Sucks. We love the shit out of you guys. For real.

Thanks to everybody. Thanks on Twitter and facebook and all you delicious bitches and we will see you tomorrow with the great duncan trussell in another episode that will be number 200 oh shit and then the big show congrats thank you love you bye