The Joe Rogan Experience - #1990 - Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: May 25, 2023

Bert Kreischer is a stand-up comic, podcaster, and actor. He's the host of "The Bertcast" podcast and YouTube cooking program "Something's Burning." He's also the co-host of the "2 Bears, 1 Cave" podcast with fellow comedian Tom Segura. Look for his new movie, "The Machine", on May 26.www.bertbertbert.com

The Joe Rogan Experience. Showing by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day. I love you to death. Brother, I love you way more than you'll ever love me and you know that. I told you that last night. That's a ridiculous thing to say to a person. You changed my life immeasurably. You changed mine too. We changed my life immeasurably.

You changed mine too. We changed each other's lives. We really did. I just get too much credit. It's all of us. It's like we did it all together. We all did it together. Without good friends, nobody really succeeds because you don't appreciate it if it's just you. It doesn't seem

fair. It seems all fucked up. I keep saying to people, you gotta surround yourselves with the motherfuckers. If you're talking about your friends as if you're the top dog, then you're with the wrong dudes. Someone said to me, you're always talking like

you're not a great comic and your friends are so much better. I go, they are. Look who my fucking friends are. Are you fucking kidding me? Like, my friends, I surround myself by people that are way better than me. And then I just listen. I don't listen a lot, but... We all rise up together.

It's an old expression. The rising tide raises all boats. It really does. It's just, it that the rising tide raises all boats. It really does. It's just good for everybody. It's like you want killers. We got into this because we love comedy, and now we're in it. And when you're in it, it's so scary, and it's so weird, and it's so chaotic, and people are comparing themselves to other people, and it causes all this totally unnecessary conflict.

And if you just remember why you got it in the first place, you got it in the first place because you love to watch it, and then you did it, and then you got selfish, and you started thinking about yourself. You started thinking about, I want to kill, and I want to be better, and I want to be the number one person. Watching where other people are in their career. How come I don't have a 30-minute, half-hour special?

People get upset with people that they really don't have any conflict with in real life. But in their mind, they associate that person with something negative because they feel bad when they think about them because that person's more successful than them. It makes them feel bad, so they think that person's bad. It's like a weird, selfish way of thinking about stuff. And every comic used to have that back in the day dice was talking about how every comic would fuck every comic over and they would like do something that would fuck up your set and he was talking about what he did on Dangerfield's young comedian special net someone else on the show wanted to wear a leather jacket the

day of a biker jacket like the same jacket that dice wears yeah and rodney stopped it he put the kibosh on it but the comics would always do that kind of shit to each other it was like that when i started it's not like that it's way less like that now like i i feel like the amount of the amount of love i've gotten from comics this these last couple weeks promoting the movie the love I've gotten from comics these last couple weeks promoting the movie, the love I've gotten from them has made me feel good. I get really nice texts from people. I was telling you, I'm going to name drop right away.

Chappelle was the fucking sweetest guy in the world. He's the nicest guy of all time. He was the sweetest guy. He really is. I wanted to meet that guy. Joe, I wanted to meet him for so long because he's my favorite. Out of all really is. I wanted to meet that guy. Joe, I wanted to meet him for so long. Because he's my favorite.

He's more, like, out of all the comics when I moved to New York that I could watch, like, it was Chappelle, the way he did it, it was like watching jazz, right? Yeah. And then Attell was like, almost like watching the fucking fish, or like the dead. And you're like, it's not jazz. I don't know what the fuck that is. But it's totally different. I don't understand it.

Yeah. Hedberg was like that. Those were the guys, Geraldo, those were the, Patrice. Right. But Chappelle was like the great white. I call it. I told him that I said you're like a great white shark Yeah, you don't see Like you you walk into a room and like oh fuck fuck, and he goes he was like He's like man. He was very nice. He goes you've always spoken very nice about me, and I was like yeah That's how it works like when you're a cool person, people talk good about you. Yeah.

It should be how it works. But, you know, you see people even talking shit about him. I've seen people talk shit about him that are comics. It's like, God damn it. You know what it is? You said it earlier. It's transactional. It's like they think that it's going to help put them over.

Yeah, it's a weird thing that we all do. Because social interaction is very much like a game sometimes. There's like moves and then there's counter moves. And there's like you're trying to like get a better position. And it's like a little social wrestling match sometimes. I've seen people do it. Like when you're a room full of famous people, there's a couple types of people. There's people that work the room, and then

there's people like me who leave the room. Because I go, this is overwhelming me. This is too weird. I'm going to get too drunk. I'm going to say something fucked up. It's too weird. It's too weird. I know. It's like God damn. It's weird to be one.

It's weird to be around them you know yeah it's like we've all known each other for so long that like we know each other where it's like you know you meet someone and they're already famous it's like how much do they even let you in you know like it seems like a weird life it's funny i remember when uh all the fucking ivermectin shit was going on with you and georgia was like sitting at the table and she's on her phone and she goes oh my god do you know this guy and i went yeah she goes really i said you do too dummy she goes who is he i go the guy with the chicken she goes oh wait i like that guy i went yeah you're looking at your phone like you feel like, and I think that's what happens is like

you look at like a celebrity or someone and you brand them with the thing that you think on the outside. I know I've been guilty of it. I talk shit about people before. Just fucking around. Just fucking around. Because you just don't think they'll never hear it. Right.

Like, you know, I'll give you a perfect one. I used to say that I think I could beat up Stylebender. If we were drinking, we had to drink the same amount of beers and then get in a cage. We each had to drink 12 beers and get in a cage. And it was a joke. I was fucking around with Tommy. I never thought I'd meet Stylebender. I never thought.

That motherfucker rolls up to my show in New Zealand. And first of all, he's way bigger than you think. He's way bigger than you think. And his hands are huge and they're soft. And the first thing he does, Joe, is he grabs my arm to like dab me up and he throws a knee. And he gabs me by the back of the neck and goes, you still think you can fuck me up? And I'm like, I'm so sorry You know what?

That guy is the coolest motherfucker like the coolest. I mean He's one of my motherfuckers where I go He treated everyone as if he wasn't the middleweight champion of the world He treated him as if he was just some guy that was into comic books and into anime. And he met Jared Hess, the director of Napoleon Dynamite, was at my show. And he geeked out. He was like, oh, you did Napoleon Dynamite? And Jared Hess is going, this is Israel Adesanya.

Like, holy shit. And then Joe and Izzy, I'm sorry if I talk too much sometimes. We end up at a bar at like 3 in the fucking morning. And he is. I'm faded. I don't know if he was drinking too much at all. I don't even know if he was drinking. But we get pretty lit in a bar at 3 in the morning in New Zealand.

And he stands up and i stand up with him back to back shirtless both of us and we challenge everyone in the bar to a fist oh you have it oh this is what are you challenging ever in the bar who won it what are you doing? You're starting fights? We're challenging a bar to fight. And this is in another country?

Yeah, this is in another country. Jesus Christ, Bert. We were fucking, dude, this motherfucker is the coolest guy in the fucking world. He literally is. He stands up and he goes, who has that? He's one of the coolest guys that's ever lived. It's on his Twitter. Oh, it's on his Twitter?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, shit. Look at this. He goes, he stands up and he goes, his first words out of his mouth, I'll kill every motherfucker in the room for this man right here. So then, you know, my shirt comes off. I go, I'll kill. I thought we were doing a Steve Harvey bit.

You ever seen Steve Harvey talk about his wife? No. Oh. It'll make you cry because I know how much you love your wife you know his wife's name is marjorie it's i thought stylebender was doing a steve harvey bit because steve harvey has this moment where he's doing an award show and he hears a song and he goes oh i'm having me a moment and he goes, ooh, I'm having me a moment. And he goes, that's our song. And then it's a cool moment. He goes,

she's mine. Oh, this is it. This is it. This will make you cry, man. I mean, I get emotional watching this. I just had a moment. And that's me and my wife's song, too. I met her at 86, 87 when the song came out then God gave her back to

me in 2005 I put her name on own you and you own me. I will kill everybody in here about your ass. Please understand that about the way I love you, Marjorie Elaine. You understand me? I kill everybody in here. I swear to God. I thought he was doing

I thought he was doing it. He goes, ask the Lord about me. I'll kill every motherfucking idiot that's hilarious so you thought style bender was doing that because leanne sends me steve harvey clips and she had just sent him and i thought he must have seen the clip it must be going viral oh so i thought he was doing style bender so i go i kill every motherfucker in he's mine and i'm him we started going i thought he was doing style matters, so I go, I can't have a motherfucker in. He's mine, and I'm him. We started going.

I thought he was doing Steve Harvey. Oh, my God. And then we start going table to table, Joe. We go table to table challenging motherfuckers. Who wants it? Look. Look at these big dudes behind him, these big Samoan guys. We're like, who wants it?

Who wants it? Bro, this could have gone horribly wrong. I was challenging the female tables. Exclusively. What if there was a rugby player there or something? He's the middleweight champion of the world. I'm going to stand my fucking ground. Oh my God, that's so dangerous. We ended up buying the whole bar shots.

Oh, that's good. Three times. Whoa. Filled them up. Fuck, round them up. Jesus, that must have been a drunk place. It was. And then he texts me the next morning like boom he's out

he's out I don't think he drinks as much as I do and that dude I'll tell you I'm a ride or die for him he was the nicest we sat and talked we just talked about like you know something really important in life is celebrating like celebrating victories and I love the way

he does that. I really do. When he has a victory, he goes on like a celebration tour and he, and I feel like the, the universe, the universe then fucking is set right. Like I, Leanne has a phrase, uh, it's called earn your Mondays. Right. So like, I'm, I'm gonna get emotional telling this cause it's a cool fucking thing. It's earn your Mondays, right? So like I'm going to get emotional telling this because it's a cool fucking thing. It's earn your Mondays.

It means bust your ass all fucking weekend for us comics. All weekend, all weekend, and do so well you earn your Monday. You don't have to pick up the phone. You don't have to do a fucking thing. You can just fucking sit back in the cut and go, I earned my Monday. Like Amy Schumer's movie Trainwreck did really well, right? It's opening week. And that's when Leigh-Anne said for the first time, she goes, man, she earned her Monday.

I said, what do you mean? She goes, she did press for two weeks leading up to this. She's been going theater to theater trying to help sell tickets. And it's done. And it did well. She earned her Monday. And I think it might be in Scientology. It might be a thing in Scientology.

But Izzy earns his Monday like what after that fight the way he celebrates life for like two weeks He goes out. He's in Miami. He's in New York. He's in Vegas. He's in LA He's in London like he does a tour. Yeah, I said to him I go that's really inspirational like The way that you look at life as it needs to be goes. Yeah, you got to celebrate Or that the way that you look at life as it needs to be goes. Yeah, you gotta celebrate You gotta celebrate these moments. I think it's cool as fuck. Where do you see the fucking bender? I'm going on if my movie does well this weekend you want to talk about you ramp it up any more than you're already doing it Dude, I listen. I'll tell you what I'm going to rehab I was I'm gonna chloroform me at the premiere and I will wake up a week later, they go, your movie did great, Burt.

Your body's clean, you've been hydrated, you slept. Just keep you on a constant IV. Dude, I need to say this real quick, and right now, everyone please go to movie theaters this weekend and see my movie, The Machine. Please go out of the house. Buy a ticket to a movie theater.

That is our biggest challenge is getting people in movie theaters So if you love me or you've ever loved me you used to love me you think I'm annoying as fuck now Whatever the fuck it is. Just give me a shot Get out of the house and go see the story that started on this fucking podcast I would have never told on stage if this man right here didn't say, you have to tell it on stage. This is your fucking movie. You need to know him as the machine. From now on, call out his name at shows.

Make him tell that story. I leaked the trailer. This movie was going to sit on a fucking shelf. Joe, you've done so much for me. Do it for Joe, guys. Do it for Joe. Do it for me. Prove that he's the motherfucker.

Well, I just think it's a funny fucking movie, man. It's a good movie. It's an action. It's going to be fun. It's a big action comedy that needs to be seen on the big screen. And I think people will be surprised at how fun this movie is. It's just fucking fun. And I've been fucking up promotion for it because I'm way too honest.

I'm not an actor. I'm just like, they're like, what are the kissing scenes like? And I'm like, rough. We have one kissing scene. I didn't know there was kissing scenes in the movie. I don't read the action when I read the scripts I just read the dialogue So I don't read like you know hey Bert comes back kisses his wife and knocks her off her feet

I just go like oh there Leanne was in Serbia and they were like hey you have a kissing scene today I was like what and then I get your wife and I was like shut the fuck up. I was like What is that cool and Leanne ends like yes, you're an actor I was like yeah, but I mean cheated on you and like ever like I'm gonna kiss someone 20 fucking years She was like it's just acting I was like okay All say is the pants I was wearing were loose-fitting and I don't wear underwear We did one take and i was like costume change please they're like what i was like i need to change my pants i guess i'm not an actor i'm

just a regular dude oh my goodness they're like they're like huh and i was like i don't know what the fuck are you supposed to do you're supposed to kiss someone and then just like i don't know how the fuck does that work you ever kiss someone your body doesn't know that it's just acting no no no how could it yeah i did the first kiss my my wife stephanie is cool as fuck we by the way i've talked with her and we've talked about this a number of times and she goes we do the first kiss and i'm and i'm like i don't know i'm i'm just like you know and she's like hey you know really go for it like really go for it i was like for real she said yeah like try like try to like knock me off my feet like kiss me so i was like okay i'm not thinking about it i'm gonna bam bam bam bam walk up whom and as soon as and then

she kissed back and I was like what the fuck is happening this is different holy shit and then I'm like costume change I need tape

I need tape hey someone get me ice is that are you allowed to talk about that you're not supposed to you're supposed to say like you're supposed to say

here ask me what the kissing scene was like What was the kissing scene like you know it was good as I would say it's just acting it's just acting it's what we do as actors Okay, which is true. Yeah, well it is for some people, but it's also a fucking hardcore lie It's also why Brad Pitt fuck Angelina Jolie. It's good you make out with her a couple times You're like that was fucking nice I wonder what it's like then you're laying in bed going, hmm, hmm.

And Jennifer Aniston's texting you like, pass, pass. Like fucking Leigh-Anne, we did the kissing scene all day. All day I kissed this woman for like 30 minutes, 35 minutes. Kissed her. Like got comfortable kissing her. And then we got in bed in Serbia and Leigh-Anne's like, hey, you want to? I was like, beat it, scissor lips. I was like, I'm fucking, I'll come back to you when I need to.

Oh, how rude my wife's got good sense of humor i hope so yeah i the whole i mean the whole movie in general was like i was not coming i ripped my arm i blew my arm out but what is it like to have a story get turned into a movie that's got to be weird as fuck uh like a story that like you kind of have to tell now like if you do a show if you do a show and you don't tell the machine story people will get angry but they did it when last time i was here yeah we were up here and they started chanting the machine and i was like guys i'm at the comedy mothership I'm just in an hour 15, and that was the best. That was one of the coolest. That's the coolest thing about that goddamn club

is I see fucking Ron up in the top, and I go, I'll tell the machine if Ron comes down and tells Tater Salad, and the place is like, Ron White's here? And Ron's like, fuck it, I'm coming down. Ron White comes on stage, tells Tater Salad. I go to tell the machine and realize I can't follow Tater Salad. The best story ever told. So

it's surreal having your life turned into a movie. It's surreal. Like it is like it was emotional at times and then it's weird because you feel, I feel very vulnerable, you know, like because some of the questions people ask, they're like they're not, they don't, they like they put teeth in it.

They're like, so you rob people. And you're like, okay. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. So you approve of what the mafia does. You're like into the mafia. And I'm like, hey, man, can we not make this real? You're keeping your eyes open while we kiss.

Let's fucking just make it regular. Like Good Morning America. So they got upset with the premise? They were just like, they read half of it, and then they're like, so you're in the mafia? And you're like, no, it's a little more complex. No, but you got welcomed into the mafia, and you're like, yeah, kind of. It's better when you hear the whole story. I think I tell it a little different.

And they're like, and you robbed your friends. Are they cool with you now? And I'm like, yeah, yeah. Some of them are coming to the premiere. Like, fucking Jesus Christ. Can we move to the next subject? I don't believe in vaccines. Oh, my God.

Yeah, it's been interesting. It's been fun. I'll tell you what's been really fun is finding out just how wide this story has reached. Like, I didn't expect certain people to be, like, fans of mine. Like, and I know that sounds bad, but, like, you're always, like, when you look at your audiences, my audience kind of looks like the same one thing. Guys that have chicks that are hotter than they deserve. They all have beards. They're all a little overweight.

Like that's my fan base. I like I literally go, hey, man, I can tell you the sponsors I can get for my tour. Lipitor would be a good sponsor. Some blood pressure medicine, some beard trimmers, not Lipitor. I know we're talking about statins. But like I know like i know my fan base and then you get like dudes who are like i fucking love you and like like big boy from big boy's neighborhood i was like you know who i am he's like yeah why wouldn't i i was like i don't

know i just didn't think you know like nori from drink champs he's like dude i'm the he goes i told my wife we you get we got my favorite comedian coming on and she's like you dude, I'm the best. He goes, I told my wife, we got my favorite comedian coming on. And she's like, you mean the big, fat, white guy that takes his shirt off? And you're like, wait. When you're younger, you try so hard to appeal to all demographics. Almost like you want, it's like fake. And then once you're yourself, you're truly yourself, that's when you appeal. That's when you're the most appealing. Does that make sense?

It does make sense. Yeah. Because it's hard to do. It's hard to're the most appealing. Does that make sense? It does make sense. Yeah. Because it's hard to do. It's hard to do publicly. Yeah. It's hard to be, you know, yourself publicly. Especially when you're promoting a movie about yourself to be yourself publicly, you start understanding like Joaquin Phoenix.

Oh my God, for sure. You start going like, yeah, I don't want to like, like Secret Time. Well, this will air. This will, it'll be fine the premieres tomorrow i'm flying back tonight for the premiere the premiere list is fucking thick it's fucking thick it's kind of fucking it's like it's it's my algorithm it's snoop dogg porn stars and fucking radio djs a couple pro surfers It's my algorithm My watch dealer But Mark Hamill was like

Are you going to stay and watch the movie And I was like Are we not supposed to He was like I'm not going to watch myself on screen And I was like why And he was like are you being serious He was like you want to sit in front of 750 people and watch yourself And I was like, why? And he was like, oh, are you being serious? He's like, you want to just sit in front of 750 people and watch yourself? I was like, hey, Mark, secret time.

I'm going to cry watching myself. I'm going to cry and I'm going to mouth my lines. I did that when we did the first testing of the movie. They sat me in the front row. I had two bottles of wine. I sat with Leanne. I had a notebook I was supposed to write things in for notes. The movie starts and I start bawling, crying. I start I start bawling crying and I start mouthing my lines. I'm laughing hysterically

I'm like I loved I loved watching me more than a narcissist whatever like it was like the craziest thing so we go to the next screening and Kale our producer pulls me aside. He goes. I'm gonna ask you to sit in the back I said what he goes it kind of affects the way people watch the movie. I said, what do you mean? He goes, I don't know. You're up there fucking crying like it's Cape Fear but gay. He goes, fucking sit in the back.

So the next time I sat in the back. But I get emotional watching the movie because I feel like I'm watching a highlight reel. Like I remember doing all these things and then they're all cut cool. And so I was like, I don't know. I guess. I don't know. I guess. I don't know. I think I'll watch the movie. I guess I would.

But Mark's not going to watch it. Secret time. Well, that's not very secret. And I get both perspectives. Like, you made it. It seems weird that he would, like, he's trying to, like, enforce that on you. No, no. He was just, like, he was, like, you're cool with that? Like, I've heard a few people, like, like, you no no he was just like he was like you're cool with that

like i've heard a few people like like like there are people like do you listen to your own podcast no okay i can throw on but i i might if it's like uh if like it's a huberman podcast or one of those ones where i'm going to try to implement whatever they're talking about yeah so maybe with those i would listen to it again just to try to remember. Yeah. And write shit down, you know, because he gives you so many different, like, beneficial things.

It's like you have to kind of go back and write them down and try to keep track of them. Like, there's certain people who can listen to their own podcast. Like, I can throw on an old Two Bears from during the pandemic, and I will... It'll, like, it's like a warm blanket. I go, I from during the pandemic and I will it'll like it's like a warm blanket I go I remember that day I remember

that like it's fun so I'm gonna sit and watch myself in the movie theater I want to hear I want to see 750 people why not yeah right here's my movie dude it's just weird that people would think that that's weird it's like of course you want to see your movie

you want to see people see your movie too they said to me when you get into the red carpet and i said well the movie starts at seven the red carpet opens at three so maybe like 2 30 and they're like wait what do you mean i go what's my it's a premiere of my movie i want to be on the red carpet as long as i can and they're like no you need to show up at like six o'clock and then you're the last one on and i wait wait i'm gonna miss all the people like i thought i'd be like hey welcome to the red carpet you know like it's okay oh shit give them a hug and see people and they're like no you're you're you're in a movie now you need to be like and i was like oh that's not how i'm gonna do it so i changed the red carpet

i changed it really yeah i fucking just changed it i was like that that's not how we're doing it we're doing like waste management it's a fucking party people are drinking beers fans have access Let's fucking throw back and I'm gonna be here the whole time. I'm gonna fucking host it I don't give a shit like I'm a fucking party if if Snoop Dogg comes walking down the red carpet You don't think I'm gonna run over take a picture with him Come on, you know me Joe. I am NOT I am NOT I'm not I'm not like a play it cool guy I'm not a play cool guy. I don't know how to play it cool. I do it the way I do it.

I like it. You only get one run at this fucking life. Yeah, also, like, fuck playing it cool. Dude. Like, just be whoever you are. Do you know what it was? I've been trying to work this as a bit a little bit, but I can't. I had a weird morning.

No shade on anybody. I had a weird morning where I worked out with Arnold Schwarzenegger, and I ran into Edward Norton at breakfast within an hour. Like, in Santa Monica. It was really crazy. Now, I watched two, arguably, movie stars. Movie stars. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Edward Norton interact in public.

Edward Norton's cool as fuck. He's Dude Fight Club, one of my favorite movies ever. The one where he plays the guy with the two accents. That's fucking, he's cool as fuck. He's Dude Fight Club, one of my favorite movies ever. The one where he plays the guy with the two accents. That's fucking he's an awesome dude. But when I recognized him and I gave him energy, like when I recognized him, you could see him just be like, uh-huh, yeah,

okay, cool. Like just kind of like, uh-huh, yeah, yeah. Arnold Schwarzenegger, when he gets recognized, he gives you, he matches your energy. He gives you the thing you want. The moment you want. When he comes up on TV and people go, I met Arnold Schwarzenegger. They go, how was he?

Not one person. Maybe I'm sure there's people that say bad things, but like everyone I met when I watched him interact with people fucking loved him. He was the coolest dude. He was, you know what he was, Joe? He was like a movie star. He was like a, like, he brought the, like, 1980s, hey, it's good to see you. Hey, Bart, come here, let me tell you. I'm bad at accents, but he's like.

Can I just tell you, I think with some sensitive people, I think your happy, fun guy energy sometimes throws people off. You could be there. And they're like, gotta get out of here. Because you're like, oh my God, it's fucking Ed Norton. I went like this, Joe. Yeah, exactly. Like, dude, that guy can't handle that. The poor guy was like, and I tagged him in the Instagram.

He's a really nice guy. I had him on the podcast. He's really interesting. For real? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, he's the, he is, he's my Hulk. He's the best Hulk. He's the best Hulk.

The best Hulk. He's the best Hulk. Yeah, he's the best Hulk. Dude, that movie where he does the dude with two accents, you know the movie I'm talking about? But that Mark Ruffalo Hulk is pretty fucking good, too. Pretty fucking good. I wouldn't mind, yeah. It's a fucking toss-up, dude.

It's a toss-up. And the Avengers. Ed Norton's my guy. When Leigh-Anne dumped me, when Leigh-Anne dumped me, I watched Fight Club on repeat over and over and over and over again. When they play the Pixies at the end of the fucking movie, Where Is My Mind? And he said, dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun. And the buildings are crumbling. Ed Norton's my motherfucker.

He's a dude. I love that guy. But you're right. My energy might have fucking freaked him out. I freaked out Tom Cruise real bad. You probably freak people out, man. You probably freak people out. You got a lot going on.

There's a lot happening. It's all positive, but it's like for some people, it's like there's too much sensory input here. Yeah. I got to get out of here. Leanne says I cast a large wake. That's a good way of putting it. That's a healthy way of putting it.

Yeah. It was really tough doing the movie because everyone was fucking Eastern European. And my sense of humor is not Eastern European. Did they understand? No. No. No. No.

They thought they, the words, I guess, when you, look, I'm not an expert, but the words in like, in the Slavic language or whatever they speak in serbia to explain me the words they use are like unpredictable um explosive like i think those are the words that you would use that personality and they're also like like uh like there was a scene in the movie with my my co-star that is in order to do it she had had to be put into a cast, and she couldn't move. And she wasn't comfortable doing it with me because the words to describe me are, he's unpredictable, you don't know what he's going to do.

I think in English, I just think our, this is a horrible thing to say, but I think our language is more slangy, so we get things a little easier. I know when I was in Russia, they didn't have a lot of slangs. That wasn't their thing. Cause you know, in a communist government, you want to make sure your words mean what you say.

Right. So they don't like, that's why it's funny when I said I was the machine. Cause it's, they don't, it's very, that's, it's like the craziest thing you'd say to someone, you're a car. And then you're like, yeah. And then he's a car. He's a machine. He's the machine.

Like, it was just funny that I would say that because they don't, slangs aren't their thing. So, she didn't want to do the scene with me. Oh, isn't, yeah. Isn't that, doesn't that mean car in Russian? Yeah. La machine. La machine. Right.

And I just walked in the door and said, I'm a car. That's, isn't that, that's in John Wick 2. Yeah, I think it might be. When he calls the dude up and says, you have La Machina. You have my car. Remember? That's the scene where he's got the fucking 69 Mustang. Dude, let me tell you something.

Keanu Reeves, that's the motherfucker. After you do an action scene and then you watch John Wick, you're like, that's learning the ballet. Like that guy, those things he does in that movie, they are, I would argue,

it would be cool, someone like you who's into martial arts and knows how to use his body, I'd be interested to see you, that would be a cool thing to see you do one of the John Wick sequences. Does that interest you at all? Those badass sequences that he does?

Like movies? No, no, no, no. What are you saying? Just for fun. You know we go out and we shoot with Taron, and we learn the John Wick guns and stuff? Right. If they had a class where you could just go, hey man, for this week we're going to teach you a John Wick sequence

just to see if you could learn it. Because it's really very complex. A very simple fight scene. I punched like three dudes on our movie because I don't,

I just am not, I get overexcited and I just would punch them. But they were like cage fighters so they're like, I don't give a fuck,

just hit me. I'd rather you hit me than it not look good. Right. But what John Wick does, I don't give a fuck just hit me. I'd rather you hit me than it not look good, right? But that what John would John wick does I couldn't do that That's like somersaults and Siding your leg underneath people's legs to leverage them

That's no in the especially in the first movie look at this in John wick one that scene where he goes through the disco The red circle club. Mm-hmm That fucking that scene is insane. Yeah, I mean it but here's what's weird about it Look I love that movie. Yeah But why? It's the sexy assassin that you root for assassin that you root for? The whole thing is like, have we forgiven

his past where he worked for the Russian mob and killed how many fucking people that didn't deserve to be killed? He was the guy you sent in to kill people. It's the weirdest sort of hero that's ever existed. It's so satisfying because

they killed his puppy. Dude, I thought you were going to say that. That's why we like him is because his dog. It's one of the fucking greatest scenes ever in a movie that sets up what the movie is about. When the Russian guy is talking to his son and he punches his son. And he said, what? I stole a fucking car. And he punches his son in the stomach and then he pops open the liquor and he goes my son is not what

you did it's who you did it to yeah and he goes who that fucking nobody and he just goes that fucking nobody is John Wick John it's one of the greatest fucking scene how how the the movies gonna set up Like in this scene you're going what the fuck is going on? Yeah, should I go? Yeah, yeah There go English please come on what did I do yeah friend all that but only we did what you asked no one saw shit I'm not talking about that Atlantic City you know? What the? You mean Aurelio's? So I stole the fucking car!

Oh, fuck! Oh! It's not what you did, son, that angers me so. It's who you did it to. Who? The fucking nobody? That fucking nobody... is John Wick. Dude, what a cool fucking scene.

What a fucking cool scene. Look at this. Oh, fucking look at this. My movie's not this good, Joe. It's not this good. The sexy assassin? Look at his body. You just awoken the sexy assassin. My movie might be the exact opposite of this. The scene gets even better.

The whole thing is when they explain who John Wick is. Keanuism. That dude. That fucking movie was so fun. But it's like, why is that fun? Why do you root for him? Why are you rooting for this guy to just kill everybody over his dog? Yeah.

It's like, just to get to this one guy to get revenge. That guy is the same guy from Game of Thrones. Yes. He plays a bad guy so good. Yes, he does. The Game of Thrones character. Oh, my God. I may have a hard time ever seeing him as anything else than the guy that ate his dick on Game of Thrones.

Spoiler alert. Were you a Game of Thrones guy? Loved it. Dude, were you a House of Dragons guy? I love both. Me too. Yeah, they're great. I love that.

They're both great. Yeah. Oh, they're so fun. They're both really good. I mean, you're so fun. They're both really good. I mean, you can't fault it. It's super solid. I think it takes a long time to make one of those, though. Dude.

That has got to be like Game of Thrones. It must be one of the most complex shows to ever choreograph and film the CGI. It's a movie. You're making a movie every week. Yeah. Man, the woman that plays Cersei in that is so beautiful. She's just like... I mean, one is just a stunning...

I've gone to her, like, Googled her name. I forget her name, but I've Googled her and just looked at pictures of her. She's got a little space between her teeth. Ma, man, quit with the fucking fixing what you think is your flaw. Flaws are so fucking sexy. Flaws are...

Leanne fixed one of her flaws, and I fucking hate it. She had a little hole, like a dilated poor hole right here on her cheek, and I loved it. I fucking loved it. It made her look unique. I loved it.

And a little crooked tooth. Oh, whoa. Stop talking about my wife. Holy shit. Jesus, Bert. Lena Headley. Jesus, keep. Oh, whoa. Stop talking about my wife. Holy shit. Jesus, Bert. Lena Headley. Jesus, keep it together, Bert. Yes, beautiful lady.

She was in fucking 300. That's right. She is. 300 was the shit. Yeah, I'm not one of those. I couldn't do other people's movies. I just want to be a movie star. I want to do Fat Astronauts.

If this movie does well. Hey, guys, if The Machine does well this weekend, we're getting a green light on Fat Astronauts Monday. Well, I think it's going to do awesome. I hope it does. I hope it does. It looks fun. Everybody's going to love it. It's going to be a good time.

Go out to the movie theaters, everybody. Go to the machine.movie, get your tickets, and go enjoy the movies this weekend. How many movie theaters got hit real hard because of the pandemic? A lot. Most of them, right? What really sucks are the mom and pop ones. The mom and pop ones, usually

in Asian communities that do Asian films. sucks are the mom and pop ones like so there's the mom and pop ones usually in like uh asian communities that do asian films you know like for you know like uh i know there's one in korea i just read an article about that uh is fighting to stay around because it does it's it's in little korea or koreatown and it just does it's a mom and pop like their concession stand looks like you're at you're at a concession stand. Like in a ballpark. Like a little league ballpark. And I think those are the ones that took the big hits because they do have high rents because they're big

spaces, but they don't have a company behind them to support them. Right. That makes sense. Kevin Smith just bought the movie theater that he used to go to as a kid. Oh really? What's that? Ah, fuck. I don't listen well. He said it. It was in Jersey, right? It's in Jersey Ah, fuck, I don't listen well. He said it. It was in Jersey, right? It was in Jersey.

It used to be a two-screen. Now it's a five-screen. We're going to do a screening of The Machine out there, I think, this coming month. Kevin Smith was one of the first guys to figure out to do... He had a theater to do his podcast in. We just did a two-bearers, me and Kevin. He was a guest bearer. A guest bear and He

Walked me through it and it's funny to hear him talk about podcasting and what he was doing because then I It's almost like imagine if our two timelines were like this But he was doing it like ten years before that like doing theaters doing his podcast Doing that and then all the sudden he's like and then that like doing theaters doing his podcast doing that and then all of a sudden he's like and then and then carola got his podcast i'm like wait wait hold on you were doing theaters and stuff and he was talking about the money they were getting at those times was like he was doing it for free at colleges and didn't know you could get paid to do it no kid yeah kevin smith man he said he goes what because you know he's like complimenting me that

i was doing well he goes what's the secret and know, he was like complimenting me that I was doing well. He goes, what's the secret? And I go, the secret is watch what Kevin Smith did 10 years ago and start doing it today. He's a bad-ass dude. It's a very cool guy. He changed him in that group changed cinema forever. I mean, they created that whole independent filmmaking in like 95, 97 or something. They certainly were a big part of it. You don't independent filmmaking in like 95 97 or something they certainly were a big part of it you know independent filmmaking has always been really interesting because every now and then there's a great fucking movie that you just don't hear about yeah because someone made it on a shoestring budget

and they pieced it together with their uncle's money. Did you ever see the movie Run, Lola, Run? No. Joe, Joe, Joe. What's it about, Bert? It's about a fucking chick who just runs. Just all day? She's got to get from point A to point B to save her boyfriend or something. And she gets a phone call.

Is this, hang on, hang on this all this is so wait play from the beginning so we can see what the thing is okay every second of every day you make a choice every day you make a choice I can change your life okay and she has to get from point A to point b and she runs the whole way there but stuff happened in between and it's oh yeah her husband's robbing someone i guess it's a fucking it's a foreign film that you literally are like on the edge of your seats it's a fucking one of those movies where you're like small small budget, just fucking good.

Yeah, they exist. Just probably hard to publicize them, probably hard to find. But you know, then there's also small budget movies that are terrible

that are awesome too. The one with Franco? Like, really bad movies are fucking amazing because if they're not trying to be funny, but they are funny. Yeah.

Like, what was the one, The Room? The Room. Yeah. The one James Franco and Seth Rogen remade. That's right. I mean, how crazy bad does a movie have to be where people make a movie about your movie, about how bad it was?

Yeah. But that can happen. Those are great, too. I love me a bad movie. I really do. Some of them are just so enjoyable. Oh, fuck, yeah. Like, I love the...

What was the movie I used to love growing up that I was like, oh, like, Clueless. How about Roadhouse? Oh, dude. Roadhouse is one of the best bad movies of all time. He grips his throat out of his neck by the river. It's the fucking... It's so goofy. Blade, right boot.

Everything is awesome about it. Everything. Pain don't hurt. Everything is awesome about it. He walks around with his own record transcripts of his injuries. Wow, you've been cut up. He's had so many fucking injuries. He brings a folder with him.

He brings a folder with him? She's fucking hot. She's hot as fuck. The doctor falls in love with the sexy bouncer. It's a fucking amazingly stupid movie. Patrick Swayze is so beautiful. He's so beautiful. Wait, they're remaking it with Conor McGregor.

You know that? Yes, yes. And Jake Gyllenhaal. Look at this fucking stupid movie. Chicken dick. Chicken dick. Look at his hands. Big bad Dalton.

What do you want, a kiss and make up? What do you want to kiss and make up? Jesus Christ. Every group had one fat guy that was like their tough guy. Yeah. I mean, they're all stabbing each other and shit. Oh, it cuts him. Oh, my God. This is so stupid it does everything look kind of corny and fake like compare that to like an action scene

in a really good movie oh yeah especially now i think people don't tolerate this kind of like obviously choreographed fake violence anymore carry him up his jacket just looks a little too corny yeah but back then it didn't seem corny it was amazing what it was good back then like back there's so many movies that when we were kids we're like this is a great movie you can watch it now you're like jesus this movie sucks this movie sucks because you think they're so good because the culture has evolved it's moved into like a new direction oh it's done that with comedy too like you like the comedies that we like yeah you watch them now and they're like horrifically racist So many of them are trans. We were talking about Ace Ventura. He's crazy transphobic.

Dan Marino throws up because he made out with a dude. The whole fucking thing is so crazy. There is a complete, this is where trans people should spend their time. Getting rid of that fucking movie. Because they see the dick in the back of the pants and they all throw up and it's sean young who's gorgeous beautiful don't look boy that's really on there. This scene is so crazy. Yeah, this is great.

This scene is like he just rips her shirt apart. Imagine that scene today. To get rid of big old Mr. Knish. She's in her bra and panties. In her bra and panties. He's ripping her clothes off in front of everybody. In a comedy. And she's just standing there for some strange reason.

Look at Dan Marino. Look at Dan Marino. Excuse me for just one second. She's dazed like a cartoon character would be. Like frozen in a video game, right? Yeah. She's seeing birds and stuff. My esteemed colleague, Mr. Marino,

has just brought some new evidence to my attention. Now, history has certainly shown that even the most intuitive criminal investigator can be wrong from time to time. But if I am mistaken, if the lieutenant is indeed a woman as she claims to be, then my friend, she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I have ever seen. That's why Roger Baxter is dead. The talk.

Mr. Winky. Look, they all start throwing up. They're all throwing up. Everyone's throwing up. Everyone's throwing up. Everyone. He's cleaning his tongue. The dolphin.

The dolphin's freaking out. This is a crazy scene. That's how much culture's changed. That culture? That's in my lifetime. Yes, that's in our lifetimes. This culture? That's how much culture's changed. Yes. That's in our lifetimes. This is 94.

Yeah, 94, man. 94. I mean, we were watching with the girls one time, 16 Candles. Do you remember that movie? Molly Ringwald? Yes. In it, they have the donger. Long Duck Dong.

Remember the Asian guy? Yes. And all sexy girlfriend. I mean, he got in trouble. I think woke culture actually came after him for doing, I think, what they call yellow face. Of like acting up the Asian guy. Oh, wow. Yeah.

And then they go to the party. Jake's girlfriend. This is my girls are watching this. Jake's girlfriend passes out. She's too drunk. And he gives go to the party Jake's girlfriend Jake's girlfriend passes out she's too drunk And he gives her to the nerds You guys take her for the night have fun with her Here's my dad's car Anthony McCall fucks her She's drunk she doesn't remember it

They don't remember it That's one of the plot lines The section is Jake's a senior in high school She's 16 It's so problematic That my daughters couldn't enjoy it The section is, Jake's a senior in high school. She's 16. It's so problematic that my daughters couldn't enjoy it. And I go, just fucking let go of it. Just watch the fucking thing.

And they're like, Dad, the girl's drunk. Someone should help her. They cut her hair. And you're like, oh, yeah, that doesn't look cool. Yeah, it's weird what people used to think was acceptable before it was depicted in the media. Revenge of the nerds. The dude rapes her. He puts on her boyfriend's clothing and rapes her.

Rapes her. I don't remember that. At the end, she's like in a bounce house with the lights off, right? She's in a bounce house. He grabs, they do, they're at the talent fair. He grabs the mask, her boyfriend's mask, the girl he's attracted to, puts it on,

and he pretends to be Darth Vader. He pretends to be her. He follows her into the crazy with all the mirrors. They land on the bounce house. She's like, take the mask off. And he's like, no, I'm going to leave it on. And then he fucks her.

She doesn't know it's him. He fucks her. And then they get done, and he takes the mask off. She goes, that was you? And he's like, yeah. She's like, it was so good. So that, no, that's, if we're going to play by the rules,

let's play by the rules, okay? That groomed every child to see that, that if you can sneaky fuck a chick, but you did it good, if you can rape her, but you did it good, then look. You don't remember this? No, no, no. Leave it on. You're so kinky. I don't remember this no no no leave it leave it on wow that's that's fucked up

what year was that it's got to be 84 sounds right uh just just say please uh i don't see a year right here i don't know know. That was like, I mean, don't even start with Porky's. Yeah, let's take the same time period. Yeah. That was like, and that was greenlit by executives. That's a good scene. 84 is correct. Good fucking scene.

1984. That's how much the world's changed. That's crazy. Insane. And you're just talking about fight scenes, but we're talking social commentary that's out. Insane. And you're just talking about fight scenes. But we're talking social commentary that's out there. Yeah. We're just talking about the way things are depicted in life.

Like you could never do that in a comedy now. Imagine if someone tried to recreate that. We, at one point in making the movie, I said to the... I say I said it to no one so no one ever gets in trouble because I know that what I do is not what the studio's like, right?

When I talk. I just talk too honestly. Because I don't know the fucking thing you're supposed to say. I said, we fucked up to someone. I said, we fucked up. We should have had nudity in this movie. Like, we definitely should have had nudity.

Like, that was a fucking... Because all the great old school comedies had one gratuitous nude scene right you know uh back to school rodney dangersfield opens the fucking curtain and the girl with the most beautiful body shower and he goes hey excuse me and then close them and he goes ah and opens it again it's a great fucking scene in the movie right right i go we missed we fucked up and they're like i go can we ask some of these chicks to like get naked and they're like that's definitely not i was like well how did it work but you made movies back in the day and they're like well back then it's different we're not going to just walk around and go hey does anyone want to

take their top off for this scene and you're like oh yeah i guess you can't like you just and it's a weird thing it's like it's just weird how much culture has shifted so quickly. Yeah. Like relatively quickly. Because I don't think that before mass media, social media, it was mass media first and then social media. Till people, the more and more communication about the way people act and behave. You used to just have films that depicted all sorts of shit like that and people just accepted it. So, like, was that a part of normal society back then? Like, at what point? Like, we got to think about how few generations removed we are from barbarians.

Like, really. Like, really horrific people. What, 3,000 years, 4,000 years? Like, how far back do you have to go to where life is? Just hell. It's not that many thousands of years, right? I think it's 1,700. Yeah.

I mean, if we're talking about loss of freedom and free will, look at World War I. World War I was a barbaric fucking trench war. Was that the trench war? Yeah, it was trench warfare. And that was like kids. And then World War II was a generation of kids barbaric fucking trench war. Was that the trench war? Yeah, it was the trench warfare. And that was like kids, and then World War II was a generation of kids that felt like they didn't go to war,

so they got bummed out. They're like, I wanted to go to war like my dad, not knowing what war was. And now we're at a place where you're like, okay, only the savages go. Like us soft boys, I'm not a Jocko. I'm not a Green Beret. I don't know if I agree with that.

What do you mean? About World War II. World War II, no, no. It's 100% accurate. The German generation feels like that was what brought about World War II, was a whole generation of kids feeling like, we need a war. We didn't get a war. What?

Yeah. If you watched the beginning of All Quiet and Western Front, I don't know if you saw that new movie. I did. If you didn't watch it, not with the subtitles, that's the beginning. I mean, that's still World War I, but all't know if you saw that new movie. I did. Watch it not with the subtitles. That's the beginning. I mean, that's still World War I, but all those kids are just mad that they're not going to maybe go. The war is ending, and they're like, fuck, we're not going to get to fight.

We're not going to get to fight. It's kind of like what Jarhead is like, even in the Marines. He's so mad he doesn't get to shoot his gun. God, how crazy are people? I mean, World War II is- Imagine getting upset that you don't get a chance to go to war. Okay. Yeah, but no, we can say that.

I know. And that's ingrained in our head. How crazy is that? My grandfather was the exact opposite. Can you imagine if we'd stayed here? Can you imagine if we didn't go? And that was my grandfather. That's just right there.

And then came back the worst shell shock you could ever fucking imagine. Storm the beaches of Normandy. Jesus. The question is, and I never found this out, what day? Because I think the real bad one was that first day when they go. And then I think they made some advancements. I don't know much about history. I listen to history podcasts, but I don't really pay attention I

just put me to sleep well that's a good one to think about because Jesus fucking Christ is out a crazy story in human history the idea people just running at people with guns people with guns running at people with guns. Like. The idea is that- So insane. Just loss of free will that someone would go, go, and you couldn't be like, no, my name's Bert, and I haven't fallen in love yet.

Right. And I wanna live my life. Right, right, right. I'm gonna stay here, I don't wanna go in there, because people are dying, and I see people dying. Right, and why are we here? Well, I don't know why I'm here. If I'm 18 years old, do you think I truly grasp why I'm here?

Yeah. Do you think I truly understand what manipulation has been put into place that allowed giant groups of men with guns to run and other giant groups of men with guns? Like, what is the real problem? They talked about, so,

in World War II, there was one Christmas where the German soldiers started singing American Christmas carols on Christmas and Silent Night I think and then the Americans started singing with them and then they had this in obviously remember I'm Bert I'm not a fucking historian so don't light me up on this but like this is how I heard it and in that moment they had a ceasefire the the soldiers had a ceasefire and it sent the fucking colonels through the roof because they're like whoa whoa whoa whoa we're losing fucking control and they said any person seen not fighting

or seen extending like they had to get letters to from one side to another side for from the from the fucking people that were kept in camps, right? Okay, thank you. Thank you. I'm so sorry. I talk out of my ass. I don't know what I'm saying, but it is true. The truce of 1914. It was World War I.

Wow. And then they said, all right, here's the deal. Anyone seen trying to fucking have a truce? You get killed. We kill you. Because we need you to kill them. What a crazy thing to do and then go back to killing each other. Didn't they have truces, too, to play soccer games?

Didn't they do that as well? I think that was a Sylvester Stallone movie. No, I think that really happened. I think there was like, there was, see what the fuck that is. Well, it's showing up as the same when I type it in. I typed in World War I soccer truce and it shows up as the Christmas truce. So maybe they had— Oh, so maybe during that—

Okay, that's what— Yeah, they did a soccer game during that. Okay, that makes sense. Imagine, you just go right back to killing each other. Those wars befuddle me. Like, the idea that America would—and I understand, but America would just get involved. You know, like... Well, it's all weird, man,

because you don't know the full story unless you got to delve into it, read all accounts by all parties, pro and con. You got to really sort through it to figure out what's propaganda and what's real. I got really into World War II for a period of time. Both the Pacific and the European, I guess

they're called theaters or whatever. I'm obsessed with Winston Churchill. He's just a... Fascinating man. Fucking fascinating man. I gotta pee so bad. Go pee. Let's pause this for a brief moment. Yeah, of course. Alright, that was World War two now

Fucking my favorite ceasefire is during World War one day. They had a ceasefire with Was it the Russians and who was it was it? It was the I think it was the Russians and the Germans They had a ceasefire and it was because of wolves so many people killed by heard you talk about this who? What were the two groups? I always fucked this up. I know one group was the Russians Russians and Germans right so they had a ceasefire because so many of their soldiers were getting killed by wolves That's uh, and that's so funny. I tried to joke last night about What's wrong with Germans is they don't have any predators.

They did back then. They did at least when they tried going into Russia. But could you imagine you have an enemy that's invading you and you agree we need to bond together and kill this other enemy that is not human. I think that's a plot. And then we go back to killing each other. That's a plot of Predator. It is. I mean, this is such a crazy story.

Parties of Russians and German scouts met recently and were hotly engaged in a skirmish when a large pack of wolves dashed on the scene and attacked the wounded. Have you ever seen the video of the cop going to give a parking ticket and the fucking 50 wolves run down the street? I don't think that's real. Oh, for real? Yeah, I don't think that's real. Do you know what I'm talking about, Jamie? Russian cop is going to give a parking ticket

and then he gets in their car and the wolves run by them? Jamie will find out if it's real. I think someone told me that was CGI. Oh, speaking of CGI, I don't want to change all of our stuff. I don't know if it is CGI, though. I really want to find out. The Roswell UFO thing from last week, did you see that? Oh, the Jeremy Corbell thing?

I didn't see Jeremy Corbell post it, but I saw a post of like five videos all showing this fucking object in the sky. Yeah, this is over a military base? Yeah. Yeah, apparently like 50 people filmed this thing. So this is the Russian one, so watch. Apparently like 50 people filmed this thing. So this is, this is the, yeah, this is the Russian one.

So watch. Oh, that bums me out. The cops is over here. He's talking and then these wolves are running by. I don't know

if that's real, man. It looks pretty real. It looks very real. Um, the only way, so what? Shadows,

shadows are perfect. Yeah, but they maybe, yeah, wow. If they do a time lapse of, yeah, there's just two videos they put over each other.

Those wolves did run down that street, but not the time those cars were there. Go back to him getting in the car. No, the wolves are there. He's reacting to them. But that could be an actor. They're not reacting to the cars

is what I'm saying. The wolves are just running. If they're not used to being around cars, but the're not reacting to the cars is what I'm saying. Right, but the wolves are just running, right? If they're not used to being around cars, but the cars are reacting to them, that car pulls over to the left to avoid the wolves. Yeah, I think that's real, man. Watch how the car reacts. Here's the other thing I'm looking at. This is the last.

They'll be hard to fake. The headlights from this car should be giving an extra shadow on these wolves coming this way, and it looks like it's only from the streetlight. Interesting. See, there's no shadow coming this way. Interesting. Which means that those cars weren't there when the wolves were there. Maybe, sort of, depending upon where the beams hit.

It would be an interesting person that spent their time doing that. Yes, a forensic person like who's like I did uh I went to reddit and did a reddit uh ama yeah I've never been on reddit I've never been on reddit reddit fucking reddit's like a fucking rattlesnake to me I don't hate it but I don't get near it I respect it I just don't want to fucking get bit because I hear like like Mark Norman lives on credit Like he'll he'll tell you stuff going on with you that you didn't know he did it last night He's here the thing there, and I'm like hey, Ben

I you can't talk to me about that stuff if I don't watch that stuff But I went into reddit, and I thought it was gonna be all like QAnon people right. It's regular human beings Just regular human beings Beautiful women. Hey. It's a trap, Bert. It's a trap. They're going to suck you in.

They're going to suck you in. You're going to be there every day, and then they're going to go after you. What are those things? You want one of these? I'll be addicted immediately. Oh, okay. I'll be addicted immediately. I like these.

Unless it'll help me quit drinking, and then I'll fucking do it in a heartbeat. You know, there's a lot of evidence that nicotine is actually good for you. That's what Andrew Huberman said. Smoking is the best thing you can do for your life. No. Andrew Huberman said, here, isolate this. No. No, I'm kidding. No, no, no, no.

Not smoking. Wait, have you ever been in a fucking blimp? That looks like the thing I saw in the video. So just so we're clear. Oh, you're talking about the thing that was in the plane video, Jamie? No. Which video? This is one of them, I think.

Well, let me tell you something. It's that thing. Oh, that thing. Yeah, this was in like a post I saw today. It showed this in five different videos. They said it was last week in Roswell. It's just sitting there. It doesn't move. Yeah, that totally could be a balloon.

But do they just keep going higher and higher? Don't they just keep going higher and higher? Why would it be hovering? I don't know why it was just sitting there. Maybe they don't have enough helium to the only reason a certain threshold. Yeah, like when you're at the end of a Mylar balloon, it just hangs out like it's a person in your room. This video that Mick posted says this is supposed to be to monitor pollution. Why would you make a giant silver thing that looks like a UFO to monitor pollution?

How about make it look like a pollution monitoring device? Have you ever seen, I'm sure you have, but have you ever seen Elon's rockets reenter the atmosphere? Yes, I have. So I had never. This is a while ago. This is back like, it was when we were in our old house. And I remember I was talking to Tom on the phone. And I was outside.

And she's like, Dad, Dad, Dad. And I go out. And it is so different than anything you've ever seen. That I go, Tommy, Tommy, look at the fucking sky. Look at the fucking sky. He's like, what? I go, go outside. He goes outside and he's like,

what the fuck is going on? I mean, we thought we were getting invaded by aliens. For a second, two grown men thought we were getting invaded by aliens. It looks so fucking bizarre. Like it does like a mushroom cloud and then a streak. Have you ever seen it?

No. Oh, type in Elon's rockets reentering the atmosphere. Well, I've seen it on video, but I haven't seen it in real life. You saw it in real life. I saw it in real life. It was in the sky over LA. Like it must be coming to Long Beach or something. And it looked so... This is what it looks like.

It's this crazy fucking atmospheric change and it looks like you're getting invaded by aliens. I did see one time in L.A. I was driving. Look at that, Joe. That's what we saw. I go, Tommy, go outside. He goes outside. He's like, what the fuck is going on? And I'm like, I was like, are we getting invaded by aliens?

It looks fucking crazy. What year was this? It was like 2017 or 18. It happened two or three times, I remember. Yeah, it happened one time I feel like I saw, but it was like 2017 or 18 it happened two or three times yeah it happened one time i feel like i saw but it was before that there was uh i was in i was in hollywood and i saw this thing streaking across the sky i was like what the fuck is that i yeah but this was like i think it was pre-social media days oh no this was instagram days instagram stories because as I was talking to Tommy, I put on Instagram stories and I recorded it.

It didn't record our audio, which I thought would be a viral fucking clip, because both Tom and I thought we were getting invaded by aliens. And I'm watching it, but it is, Joe, it is like. It's pretty freaky to see something like that. It's freaky as shit. Imagine if you did see something like that and it was aliens. Do you know how wild that day would be you know the wild the day of like three football side football field size ships just penetrate into the los angeles atmosphere and start hovering over the city just alerting us to their presence and just saying enough is enough let's fucking

what's the first thing fuck heads what's the first thing that is going on in our cultural like money politics take money out of politics take it all out yeah oh yeah there's no money yeah there's no no yeah nobody can donate Nobody can donate. You can't profit. Leaders. You need leaders. You need leaders. That's like what, how do things shake down?

You need leaders. What else goes away? Like bars stay open. Bars stay open. Bars stay open. You got to give people freedom because if you keep taking away freedom, eventually it's going to come for the things that you hold dear. That's just a thing that happens.

And everybody wants less. You got to control people more and do this. It's not good. We're always going to have problems. There's never going to be a perfect state where hundreds of millions of human beings get along and completely harmonious unless we all do mushrooms. I'm just saying, your new hour is selling mushrooms pretty fucking good. Could you come out with your own mushroom?

I don't think that's legal. It is. And I don't know what you're talking about. No, it definitely is. Lion's mane. I take the lion's mane. Is lion's mane good? Oh, yeah, lion's mane's good.

I've taken lion's mane, but that's like a regular. Listen, there's a lot of benefit to mushrooms. Cordyceps mushrooms are fantastic. Those are really good. That's a big part of that Shroom Tech supplement that Onnit makes. Lion's Mane is great for you. There's a bunch of really neuroprotective aspects of certain mushrooms and nutrients. There's a lot of good stuff you can take, and mushrooms are in that group, including psilocybin. Mushrooms are legal in colorado i think everything is legal in portland or in um in oregon oregon is

the first state that decriminalized everything they decriminalized like literally cocaine heroin oregon everything and i think they did it in vancouver too but listen to this this one dude opened up a store oh you can sell coke in listen to this. This one dude opened up a store. Oh, you can sell Coke in Vancouver. Well, this guy, he opened up a store called the Drugs Store. And it just tells you when it was tested. Like, this is tested, like, April 23rd. And you just buy cocaine.

You buy cocaine. Someone just told me about that. Like, what the fuck? This mobile Vancouver store. Mobile just told me about that. Like, what the fuck? This mobile Vancouver store, mobile, good move, bro, just started illegally selling cocaine, heroin, and meth. Meth. Bro, imagine selling meth.

I mean, that's like, you know that's bad for you, right? Like, who the fuck wants people to be doing meth? If you're selling meth, you're profiting off of terrible decision making, right? Agreed? I've heard a couple people have some good meth stories. Really? I have. One of our friends. They get good stories when the night is over.

We have a friend. I won't say his name here here and I'll never say it. Okay. We were all about to hang out. Can I guess? Can I guess who it is? Okay. Okay, yeah.

And if you guess it right, I'll tell you. Okay. We were all hanging out. We were all about to go hang out again. And he was telling me and Joey. Okay, it's not Joey Diaz. He was telling me and Joey Diaz a story about this chick. And he was like, I can't even say it.

Okay, let's not. You're going to get someone in trouble, aren't you? Yeah, but this was a long time ago. This was like fucking 12 years ago. I understand. And he was like, I did meth last night. And Joey's like, what the fuck? He goes, I know.

I was trying to fuck this chick. And she pulled out meth? And he was like, ah, you know. Wow. That's right. I remember that story. You know who it he was like, ah, you know. Wow. That's right. I remember that story. You know who it is? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I remember that story. Oh, my God. I forgot about that. Yeah. Yeah, that's a wild decision to make. You're alone with a person you just met who wants to do meth with you. How all in on this life experience are you? Joey goes, did you fuck her?

And he goes, we didn't meth, Joey. We definitely fucked. Oh, my God. But don't they say that Adderall is very similar chemically? It's very similar. Oh, dude. It's a type of amphetamine, right? So if you went bonkers with Adderall,

if you had some dude who could just give you all the Adderall you need like some homie that works at the adderall factory he sells you a barrel of these fucking things if you just chewed them all day long like you would just be like a person doing meth right well if i'm not mistaken and i apologize if this comes out weird but i think that's what mulaney said in his special was that adderall was one of his problems too yeah i think adderall yeah adderall I mean, I've done both. I've done Adderall, I've done Ritalin, and I've done Coke. Coke is way more fun than the other two, but the other two I actually enjoy more.

If you take an Adderall, your diet, you don't want to eat, you feel fucked. You have the focus to skin a grape. I mean, you could fucking focus. Dude. Making it sound exciting. fucking focus. Damn. Dude. Making it sound exciting. Adderall's the shit.

I remember taking an Adderall and just sitting down and writing a script and just being like, boom. Back in the day, all the top pool players would take amphetamines. Darts. Same, same, bro. Darts, same thing. Darts is like a big fucking speed place I shouldn't say all the top pool players But in all honesty a lot of them and I shouldn't say darts because I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about

This was a long-ass time ago like in the 70s and shit There's there's some great books that were written about those days, but these guys would play for 24 hours 48 hours They'd stay up for days just taking pills and gambling until one went one one guy goes broke or one guy quits they didn't want people quitting on anybody so the thing is like if you're up ahead so like if you and i were gambling and you're ahead of me and you're you have all of my money and you you and i want to keep gambling until i'm completely broke you're like obliged to drain the person. You're obliged to like carry it out to the bitter end because maybe that guy might claw

his way back. And then 18 hours later, now you're breaking even like, oh my God. But he wants to keep playing. So you got to go into the bathroom and take pills and you come out fucking jacked up with huge pupils and you're just fucking jacked up with huge pupils and you're just gambling for days like that that was a lot of those guys i i uh wild fellas wild human beings man they deliver man those pills and coke they deliver i bet they do they give you what it's like you know what coke like? Coke's like the first time you had

unprotected sex and you were like whoa fuck coke's like that coke's like that I believe you no one's disputing it either

no one no one just keep the fuck away from it some people will tell you yeah I don't like drinking it makes me tired like Dyson he's like

what are you having? I said buffalo Buffalo Trace. He goes, man, I have one of those. I'm asleep. No one's ever liked that on Coke. That's what I hear. Same with the fucking Zins. Everyone's.

If I had money, I'd invest in that fucking company. It's according to Huberman, it's a good way to get nicotine. And nicotine does have like neuroprotective benefits. There's a bunch of cool shit about nicotine. The problem is cigarettes. The problem is tobacco when you smoke it

and it gets into your lungs. Dip is the best. I miss dip. You like dip? I loved dip. I like a good cigar. I really do enjoy a good cigar. Oh, I love cigars.

Do you want one right now? I want one right fucking now. Let's have one right now, my man. Let's have one right fucking now. Look at that humidor. Oh, fuck yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, we're taking a very brief cigar break. Joe Rogan.

This is a good fucking cigar. Yeah, these are good. Who is this? The same guys that were doing the- Foundation. Yeah, Foundation cigars. They're the shit. Foundation cigars. They're the shit.

Yeah, this is a special one that he made just for us. It's really good. And Bobby Kelly liked it, which is like, hey, if that guy likes it. Bobby actually knows cigars. He's one of those guys that he could tell you. I can't tell you shit about cigars. It's pretty simple. There's only like a couple wraps.

Right. And the sizes are what make it a tad bit complicated. I'm a big ring gauge fan. Yeah. I grew up in Florida, so. Like a fat boy? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, those are nice.

I like a big ring gauge. Kind of smoother, right? The draw. I think the draw is a little easier. But these are beautiful fucking cigars. This is a Maduro wrapper, I think, if I'm not mistaken. And I like a nice heavy cigar. Yeah, it's perfect for me. I love it.

It's really good. Yeah. It's cool. It's cool. Yeah, man. I like it. I can't believe you're my fucking friend. I can't believe you're my friend.

No, but I'm way luckier. Dude, you keep saying that. We're all fucking lucky, man. We're all lucky, 100%. It's all symbiotic. Yeah. You know? Yeah, you enjoy all of it more when you have friends that are also doing it.

It's cool. That's a big part of what's going on. I called Joey Diaz the other day. Joey Diaz. I haven't talked to him in a while. Joey Diaz lit the place on fire when he's going on. I called Joey Diaz the other day. Joey Diaz. I hadn't talked to him in a while. Joey Diaz lit the place on fire when he was in town. I bet. It was so fun to watch.

It was really exciting just to have him around again. And you should see him light up when he saw the sign in the green room that says, Get it together, bitch. Yeah. I go, that's your quote, Joey. You always used to say that to us. My daughters are working on Fully Loaded again this year. And they go, is Uncle Joey coming?

Because they only really know him as an uncle, for real. Right, right. And I go, no, I don't think so. And Georgia goes, hold on. We got to see him one more time, Ted. Like, Isla needs to see him live. Isla needs to see him live. Because Georgia toured with him.

Georgia toured with him. Georgia knows him as his uncle. And he would, you know, Joey, he would say the wildest fucking shit. Fuck cancel culture. You can't trust a dot, dot, dot with a whistle. And Georgia's like, and Georgia's blown away. And Georgia's super woke, right? And she goes, can you get him to come to Forest Hills?

That's where we're opening fully loaded in New York, at Forest Hills at the tennis arena. And it's a fucking thick list. She goes, can you get Uncle Joey to go? Dad, Dad, please. Isla's got to watch Uncle Joey. So I called him the other night to talk about it, and then we ended up changing. You know, Joey's quick. What's up, Tarzan?

Dot, dot, dot. Dot, dot, dot, dot. All right, yeah, hey, keep killing it. I'm proud of you, cocksucker. And then he hangs up, and you're like, fuck, I forgot to ask him what I was going to ask him. But yeah, we're going to try to get Joey to come out to that. Gillis is on it. It's just always great to get Joey around people who love him, too.

You know, I mean, it's just, he needs that comic energy. Yeah, he does. He does. He needs that comic energy. I mean, everybody loves him everywhere, though. That's the thing about where he's set up. When we saw him in New Jersey, we're like, God, he's never moving out of here.

He's the king of New Jersey. He loves it, man. He fucking loves it. Towns are built for certain people, or certain people are built for towns. Well, he's got a great place. And Joey was never built for L.A. No, no, no.

He was built for Jersey. He knows the guy that makes sandwiches down the street. He goes in. You know, Joey does. built for L.A. No, no, no. He was built for Jersey. He knows the guy that makes sandwiches down the street. He goes in. It's interesting. A little high because Joey's weed is pretty fucking aggressive. It's aggressive, right? It is fucking. You know what's the most sought-after weed in all of L.A.?

It'll convince you that something's happening to your body. Don't do that, dude. Don't tell me your thoughts. That's the kind of weed. No, I'm not saying my thoughts. No, but now I know what's going on in my body. But it's one of those, like, what's going on with my foot? You know?

It's weird. Is my toe numb? Why does my toe hurt like that? That feels weird. I smoked somebody's weed. I come home, and I'm like. It'll make you uncomfortable. I had.

I'm sitting there, and I'm sitting in my man cave or my gym is my man came down my gym And I'm on the computer, and I've just I just feel a little like saliva in my cheek or here like right there And I go that's crazy. I guys notice it. I got crazy, and then it shows back up. I go my having a stroke Oh, geez I go. Oh my god. It's not is this side of my face and now I'm sitting high as fuck in a mirror Smiling to myself to make sure I'm not because joke Joey's we will fucking to throw you sideways Here's the thing I was gonna say Joe in before comedy was around guys like Joey Diaz Joey Could walk away from comedy and find hit what he does on stage in

Society you know that's the way Joey operates. And I think that's why he loves Jersey. He goes in, sees this deli guy, and they chop it up for like 20 minutes. And then Joey did like a tight five, right? That personality is authentically a New York Jersey personality. Right. But what Joey can do on stage is so unique. Oh, damn it. And when he gets rolling, it's so unique that I feel like no matter what else he does, at this stage of his life, like, it's so hard to get to be that funny.

Yeah. Why would you stop doing that? His new book, Tremendous, is out on Amazon. You can't stop doing that. He's too good. He's too good. He's too good. He's too fun. He's too fun to be around.

Dude, he would be. He was so fun when he was in town, just hanging out in the green room. He was so fun. The part I miss about Joey the most is when just hanging with him. Yeah. And when he wasn't trying to be funny and he was fucking hilarious. Yeah. One of the hardest he's ever made me laugh

is we're sitting there i made him say it again on a podcast that made me laugh so hard we're sitting at marie i see we're having uh having i was doing a cleanse where i was having green tea and he was having coffee and he was smoking cigarettes back then he was smoking them on the dl no one knew don't tell nobody. And I go, Joey, what was prison like? And he just very casually goes, dog, if you think black guys are allowed in a movie theater... That's such a

Joey Diaz line. But he wasn't trying to be funny. It was just being Joey. And I was. I go, Joey, is that a bit? And he's like, no, I'm telling you, dog. Up all night, Ray, Ray, Ray, Ray. Joey's just the fucking purest. Sometimes I repeat stories. Have you ever heard a story about our polar plunge Christmas Eve with his daughter, Mercy?

I believe so. It's the best. That's that bloodline. That's that bloodline. He's a beautiful person. I love him to death. He's one's the best. That's that bloodline. That's Joey. That's that bloodline. He's a beautiful person. I love him to death. He's one of the best guys ever. And, you know, if I could just get him to come around every now and again, I'm good.

So that's what we're going to try to do. I just told him any time. Just you tell me. I'll take care of everything. I'll have somebody pick you up. I'll have somebody drop you off. I'll have someone drive you around. I'll fly you out. I'll take care of you. I'll have somebody pick you up. I'll have somebody drop you off. I'll have someone drive you around. I'll fly you out.

I'll take care of you. Come on out anytime you want. Just you tell me, and then we'll put the machine in motion. Not the machine, but a machine. Put the machine in motion. I'll come down, too. We'll send the actual machine to escort you to the mothership. I said that to him when we did Full Elevator.

I said, whatever you need, I got you. He's the best. You do that sometimes. That's the problem with these businesses and managers and agents. It's like, you know, you go, they misspeak for you. And you're like, even like back in the day, trying to get Joey on Fuller Loaded and it just was not happening. I go, hold on.

I call Joey. I go, hey, man, whatever you want. Whatever the fuck you want. You know I love you. Whatever you, hold on. I call Joey. I go, hey man, whatever you want. Whatever the fuck you want. You know I love you. Whatever you want. Right. And he's like, oh for real? And I'm like, yeah. Don't listen to anyone talking about my team. Just trust me. I got you. Because I know I get like

that. Certain things will spook me. And I go, yeah, I don't want to fucking do that. And then managers and agents love having a little fulcrum to leverage you against something else. And we were talking about that last night. Just little fulcrums to like, can I get this guy in there too? Okay, then you can also have this guy. And you're like, what the fuck?

How did that happen? It's like I told two people to their face. I told Chappelle. I'm bad with secrets. And I just met Dave, so I'm not going to say any of his secrets. Like, I'm bad with secrets. I don't even know that I tell people secrets. Is that a part of drinking? No, it's part of me wanting to please you.

Oh, now we're going deep. I'm in therapy. Now we're going deep. I have a lot of problems. And one of them is I want everyone to be happy, so I overshare. And I guess it's good. So it's fun. It's fun.

It makes good comedy. Yes, it does. My wife was in the back of Little Boy last night being like, yo, definitely can't talk about Isla like that. Right. I was like, for real? She's like, no. Tell a story about Isla in, never mind.

Yeah, don't do it. Don't do it again. Don't do it. And so like and so like uh but um yeah i overshare but it's like i think i don't know that's interesting it's like do you feel like you have to yeah i feel like i'm not good enough oh no is is why i'm i love tommy so much and why i look up to him in so many ways is that Tommy knows he's good enough. Tommy knows his worth. What's the difference between you and Tommy? Why do you think that

he knows his worth and you don't seem to know your worth, even though there's so much evidence? There's so much evidence that you're loved yeah so what how would that not be enough I don't think you think about it that way or is that not it no no I think I think I think it's are we had very different dads mm-hmm and I think Tom for whatever reason and I think we're both really close with our dads we were both we're both really he was really close with, and I think we're both really close with our dads. We're both really close with his dad. I think his dad just raised him a different way. And I think my dad raised me a different way.

And I think whatever my dad did, it left me with a little bit of a hole. No slight to my dad, but it left me with a little bit of a hole that turned me into a performer. To make sure, like, my dad would be like, like the Iraq war started and I said, this is fucking stupid. My dad goes, go to your fucking room. You're a fucking idiot. You don't know what you're talking about.

He said, stay up there until you figure out what's wrong with you. And then I'm sitting up there going like, I gotta get out of my room. I'm 16 at the time. I'm like, I gotta get out of my room. Why am I a fucking idiot? Why am I a fucking idiot? And then I was like, okay.

I was forced to sit with it and I was like, I don't. And then I was like, okay. I was forced to sit with it. And I was like, I don't know anything about why we're going to war with Iraq. I don't know anything. I don't know anything about war. I've never been to war. My dad, okay. I'm going to go down. I talked to my dad about it.

My dad's like, this is why you're an idiot. Tell me why you think. I don't know anything about this war. He goes, yeah, Saddam Hussein is gassing his own people because they're a different religion, a different ethnicity. And he goes, and so we came to protect half of that fucking country. Here's the other thing. That's cool This is the first war we're getting to watch start on TV. We're watching a war Start like a fucking Super Bowl

So sit down with me and let's watch the fucking war and I was like wait, we're watching a war He was like yeah, it's on CNN Watch this and you remember that you remember the fucking Iraq war with it like the first when we Were kids you're probably like 18, and then they just like B2b zoom and you'd watch a fucking Tomahawk missile head in and you're watching People walk into the fucking capital in in night vision, and I'm like oh, this is fucking crazy. Yeah, that was my dad And I and I don't

I can't speak for Tommy but I know Tommy was really close with his dad and I think his dad for lack of better words I hope this comes off respectful to my dad was a little bit more of a man his dad no no no my dad ran track my dad's a man trust me my dad's a man but Tom's dad fought in

Vietnam Tom's dad did a fucking couple tours Tom's dad was a champion power lifter like I think we had different dads my dad ran track he didn't go to the works he had allergies you know like like he would they wouldn't let him in the Vietnam War and so like a man was yeah he didn't pass a physical Wow yeah he had allergies Jesus and like they're like we can't send you in there and all sudden you shut down because you have hay Fever oh right like then you're just like In the middle of a fucking do that war is the scariest war to me because you know the yeah because it's the most

nonsensical It was started off of a false flag No one felt strongly about going over there die no no one felt strongly about going over there to die no no one felt strongly about the cause it seemed insane to everybody and it went on for years i remember when it ended because i was a kid really yeah i was living in san francisco and i remember thinking naively that this is great because now there's never going to be war again i really remember that thought i guess i was like 10 or something like that 10 or 11. it was just weird it was it was a weird thing to to just imagine that they forced people and to go fighting some more that nobody understood and that might have been connected to heroin

might have been connected to heroin have you been to Vietnam no I have not people love it over there Bourdain is like it was his favorite place it'll change your cultural DNA like the way you see the world's never the same I'd say the same about Japan though Japan is pretty fucking dope pretty dope is Japan's like

Japan's like it shouldn't be legal like you just weird shit like robot fuck shows and and then all of a sudden You go to the subway and no one's speaking. They're all holding hands I passed out on the Japanese dude subway. I was drunk I Passed out on this poor guy and he didn't do anything. He just let me sleep on him. I Woke up. He was just like hi. Yeah, they have a very respectful culture in terms of like the way people walked on the street Yeah, people give people plenty of space. They seem to navigate it much more easily

But then like you see in some cultures They just kind of there's so many people that just kind of bump into each other like apparently in China. That's the thing Oh in Vietnam, it's I made the The analogy in in Japan. it's like no one touches each other in vietnam they got their fingers in your mouth oh like no not really but like figuratively like like it's really aggressive i drove a motorcycle through traffic in vietnam and it was thrilling and terrifying really it well yeah you're because it's almost like new york but new york on fucking steroids because you don't

pay attention to who's behind you, you just pay attention to who's in front of you. And you're almost racing everyone. It was fucking crazy. I drove old Russian Ural through the streets of Vietnam. Same motorcycle I had when, I think it was the same motorcycle we had out at the farm stay when you called me. Ah. Yeah.

Right. That was fucking, what a great call. What a great fucking call. I'm going to write a book. I'm going to write a book out of, out of like top 10 things Joe Rogan said to me. But every now and then I get one like, look at this. This is Vietnam. I know I've seen this.

This is insanity. Imagine being a motorcycle with a kid on your back. A kid? Dude, they got their whole family on the back of that thing. So insane. Look at there's, everyone's got two people. some people have three or four people. Yeah, so look there's three people right there That's four people so insane We don't you think people just kind of get used to that though Like I think people get accustomed to almost anything

Like we're accustomed to driving cars now that shit has only been around for 100 years it's so weird so weird driving around in a fucking car everywhere it's only been around for a short amount of time and we're just so accustomed to it it's it's just normal when you think about when you think about like uh taking horses across the country right do you have you have you ridden a horse lately? No fuck horses You know gangster those people not fuck horses. I don't love horses. Let me be clear fuck I should have I want to rephrase. I say bad things sometimes. I don't mean to Fuck me riding or oh, I thought you meant that's what I meant fuck horses fuck horses like fuck horses

I'm not getting on horses not fuck them. I think they're beautiful amazing creatures You know what I'm really kind of sad about Not fuck them. I think they're beautiful, amazing creatures. You know what I'm really kind of sad about, honestly? What? That there's a lot of wild horses in this country, and they're trying to figure out what to do with them. And they might wind up killing them. No. Yeah, they might.

I mean, I think there's people that are proposing, like, getting rid of a certain amount of them. I don't know what they do with them now. How do they handle wild horses now? But there was this argument that they just can't let them get to a point where there's no predators for wild horses. And they just start overwhelming the population in some of these areas. And there's cattle that graze in these areas, and the horse and the cattle compete for food. There's a lot of wild horses in this country. It's kind of a sad animal to be wild. It's like wild dogs.

No, it's beautiful. I was in Crow territory up in either South Dakota or Montana. And we were driving motorcycles for Travel Channel. And we took a helicopter. We hunted a buffalo with the Crow Nation. Shot the buffalo. Processed it. Then they take us back and they put us on our motorcycles. And they're like, hey, we're going to meet up at the bottom.

Everyone's going to have a drink. And I'm on my motorcycle. I did not have a drink in me. And the sun's setting. And we're driving through the hills like the you know the The fucking hills and as I'm listening to Wilco in my headsets in my with my helmet on on a fucking Indian judge I think was a right of it was a judge whatever the fucking judge was a Fucking pack of wild horses starts running next to me and I'm like and no one's around no cameras

No film just me will go and fucking seven horses at a full fucking sprint keeping up with me on the motorcycle. The sun's setting and I'm just thinking, motherfucker. No one's going to believe this. No one's going to ever see this. It's just your moment you have in life. Wow, horses are fucking beautiful. Beautiful. No, I should rephrase what I'm saying.

I don't think, here's my thought on it. I don't want them to be killed like other animals. I don't want people to hunt wild horses. Oh, no, no. So you can't – the best way to control populations is either you send someone out to kill them or you let people hunt them. And for all the other animals, like the deer species and elk and stuff, they let people hunt them

and that's how they keep populations in check. But with this one, it's like you can't, I don't, you know, like who wants to go out and shoot dogs? Nobody. Do they do that? No, but I mean, no. I guess they probably do with wild.

Well, wild dogs are a problem. Yeah. I think an elderly man got killed recently by wild dogs in, like, Georgia or something. Oh, dude. That down south. Which is really scary. Down south, you can still get attacked by dogs. Yeah.

I went for a jog in Alabama where my wife's family lives. I went for a jog in Georgia, Alabama, and a dog chased me. Like, you just forget. People don't have fences everywhere there. Their dog heard me jogging down the street from their porch and started running at me. And I just thought at some point it'll stop. I jumped up onto a Baptist church. They have the foundation with the cross and the name. Praise Jesus.

I jumped up, and I had to standing up there as this dog just stood there and barked at me and i sat i was i'm in running shorts headsets and i'm just sitting there waiting for the dog to get done and it we sat there for 30 fucking minutes the dog like sat for a second and then i'm like oh my god like is anyone gonna fucking help me oh jesus and you just sit there i think people forget just how fragile we are as animals, like we are versus other animals. Some people are just dopey and irresponsible and just let their dog run around. That's a common thing, too. But the thing about these wild dogs is once you've got a population of wild dogs breeding in the woods, you basically got something that's kind of like a wolf.

Very much. It's kind of like a small, shitty wolf. Look at this. Oh, a wolf. Very much. It's kind of like a small, shitty wolf. Look at this. Oh, my God. Fuck off. He fought for his life against three large dogs. What the fuck? Oh, my God.

This guy got torn apart. Two hippos and a German shepherd. Jesus fucking Christ. And they were all on the same team? He said they kept attacking me for like 15 minutes. Roll that down. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter. It was matter it's better it was actually it oh my god three dogs um two of them were pit bulls the third one was a german shepherd one with a german shepherd one of them attacked me when it did it triggered the other two and they joined in they were attacking me from all sides i was trying to keep them away from the inside of my legs where the femoral arteries are and away from my neck. I had nothing with me to fend them off. I was desperately grabbing sticks to hit them, but the sticks were decayed and kept

falling apart. They kept attacking me for what seemed like 15 minutes. I was physically and mentally exhausted. I was trying to figure out what to do. I considered falling on the ground or rolling up in a ball and playing dead like you're supposed to do with bears. I considered screaming for help, but I knew no one would hear me. My four-wheeler and my cell phone were 150 yards away, and I knew I would never make it there.

I finally remembered that there's a tree stand nearby the adjoining property. I found a good stick, and I was able to keep the dogs at a distance until I could get to that stand and climb up on it. and I was able to keep the dogs at a distance until I could get to that stand and climb up on it. In the stand, Scott was able to catch his breath, get his heart rate down, and keep the first good look at his wounds. He was in bad shape. He had punctures and lacerations of both arms and both hands, and from his waist down to his ankles. He needs medical attention immediately.

I sat in the stand for about 30 minutes after the dogs left. He said, when I got down, they heard the rustling of the leaves under my boots. They came running back in. So Scott rushed back into the tree stand and waited another 30 minutes after the dogs left. This time he purposely made a lot of noise to see if the dogs would return. They did not. He decided to head in the opposite direction, away from his four-wheeler and where the dogs had come from. I found a good stick and I quietly tiptoed to a fence line that was about 60 yards away. I climbed over the fence and then hiked about a half a mile through a cow pasture out to the highway.

I stood... I didn't know the story was going to be so long, ladies and gentlemen. I'm apologizing. I'm apologizing. I feel like I'm so fucking... This guy got fucked up by dogs. The end. So he... 298 puncture, wounds, and lacerations. Yeah. A lot of stitches to fix them up.

So I guess he got out. A couple guys alone in a pickup truck drove around me. Yeah. Okay. There it is. So he got help. No rabies. Okay, let's work this into this bit.

This is why Germans are weak. because Germans don't have predators. Right? This is what I was trying to say. If you grew up with predators, right? Predators. I think, like, I grew up getting attacked by dogs. In Florida. You think that helped you?

No, I think it gave me anxiety. It does. When you were a kid, when I was a kid, like, if you saw a dog on the street, it could always be touch and go. Like, you never knew. You always moved away from a dog that you just saw wandering around. How are your daughters around a strange dog? They know. Yeah.

Really? Yeah. Because they've seen bad dogs, good dogs. They've seen dogs. And some dogs, you know, you just can't trust them. You don't know them. No. You know, you have no idea what's going on with that dog.

And most dogs are great. You know? I'm a big fan of dogs. Most dogs until they're not. And people people that get like really violent dogs dogs are like hey you know you got a trainer you got a trainer you got you got like a wild monster that lives with you now do you ever get you're ever about to say something and then someone talks over you and you go that was a good call man i should say that I was about to say the most horrible thing. And then I was like,

I was like, we cut you back. Yeah, man. In Florida, we had gators. We had lightning. We had sharks. We had a lot of poisonous snakes,

poisonous spiders. We had molesters. That was really big when I was a kid. They killed that kid, Adam Walsh, Adam Walsh in Miami. And so that was my tornadoes, hurricanes. Like we had a lot of things that could kill you. I remember we were in Hawaii, I was with, we were doing a hike with this Hawaiian dude

and Isla was terrified. Like Isla has a fear of bees, she has a fear of like spiders and has a fear of spiders and stuff. And she was talking to him about snakes, and the guy said, oh, we don't have snakes in Hawaii. And then we get down the hike. We end up at a restaurant or whatever, having a drink, wherever we went to with the guy, and he's very low-key.

And I said something about, you know, this is island living. And she said to me, and it was an insight from a babe's mouth to a whatever she goes uh dad they don't have snakes that's all you need to know about this guy like what do you mean she goes that's why he's so chill he's never had to deal with snakes i go what she goes every time i go in the yard i'm looking for snakes like anytime i walk outside i'm looking for snakes like that's the way when rattlesnakes are a thing in your community like you grew where where you lived L.A., that was rattlesnake central. Oh, for sure. You never walked into your backyard not thinking there might be a rattlesnake.

No, my dogs got bit multiple times. And when that's your reality, it changes the way you look at life. Fucking Australians got everything that could kill them. Yeah. Everything. I mean. They got those that could kill them. Yeah. Everything. Everything. I mean. They got those saltwater crocs.

Dude, you can't go on the beach at night in northern Australia. You can't go on the beach at night because crocs are just laying on the beach, and you'll think it's a log and sit on them. Oh, my Jesus Christ. Shut the fuck up. They told us that when we went to go do the Great Barrier Reef. They're like, do not go on the beach at night. Do you know what a horrific death that would be?

If you're a little tipsy and you sit down on what you think is a log. I didn't show you this video yesterday. No, what do you have for me? It went around yesterday. It happened in Florida. A 23-year-old dude went out for a piss in the back behind a bar in a rural area and lost his arm. And it's all, not the attack isn't on video, but him thrashing in the water afterwards is. And then they pull him out and the arm missing and pulling a tourniquet on with a guy with a cigarette hanging out over him.

That's where I fucking grew up. I don't even want to see that. I know you would. That's why Ned showed it to you. Don't show me that. Anyone that ever says like, hey, Bert, why would you ever fuck around with Xanax? I grew up like that. On even want to see that. Don't show me that. Anyone that ever says like, hey Bert, why would you ever fuck around with Xanax? I grew up like that. On a lake. On a lake.

Living in the lake. We would swim in the lake knowing at any moment a gator could take you away from your family and take him back to his nest and sit with you in his mouth for fucking four days until your body rotted and then they do the death roll on the bottom. I mean, dude. And then you think about like you think about like that.

So that creates a person, right? Australia, that creates a person. Those are realities in their life. That creates that person, right? All those trauma. It's not trauma, but like. They're kind of similar in a way. What's that?

Oh, yeah. But then you look at Germans. They got nothing. They got nothing. But I was thinking that Australians, I mean, Australians and Florida people, there's a lot in common. Fucking cousins. Yeah. Maybe that's what it is.

Maybe it's like a certain breed of people that has to deal with dangerous environments. Like Australians have to deal with sharks, saltwater crocs, jellyfish. Jellyfish can kill them. The box jellyfish. They kill people. People swim in pajamas. Jesus. They swim in blue pajamas.

I'm not fucking around. You swim in blue. We went to the Great Barrier Reef. It's box jellyfish season. Get on blue pajamas. And so we put on blue pajamas to go snorkeling. Your whole body's covered. You have gel on your face.

Every part of you is covered. Oh my God, dude. Fuck that. And I was like, why to go snorkeling. Your whole body's covered. You have gel on your face. Every part of you is covered. Oh, my God, dude. Fuck that. And I was like, why would I snorkel? Because I go up in Florida. Why would I do that? Why would you do that? Get the fuck out of that water.

It is a great barrier to reach. Get the fuck out of that water. It's pretty cool. I'm sure it's cool, but at what point in time do you not want to get killed by a jellyfish? Most of the time, right? So how do you avoid getting killed by jellyfish? Don't swim in the water. That's where the fucking jellyfish are.

They've got nine of the ten. How many deadly snakes does Australia have? Because I think they've got nine of the ten deadliest snakes. We went canyoning. Canyoning, I think it's called, where you just repel and climb up rocks, but you're going down a canyon through waterfalls and stuff and the guy was like

Keep away like anytime you saw debris on the side keep away from it You know we got the the two-step spider or whatever there spiders. There are fucking next level. Oh, there's spiders It's called the two steps That's a good day for a spider two steps because you get a country western spider We get bit you get two two steps and then you fall. Oh, boy. But that creates a person. I think about

Kelly Slater a lot and like because I love the podcast you do with him. You talked about sharks. The brain that can just shut that off. Did you see the bull shark attack the kayak recently? Yeah. In Hawaii? Was attack the kayak recently? Yeah. Was that a bull shark?

Yeah. No, no, I'm sorry. It was a tiger shark. The bull shark was the one that bit the tail off the other bull shark. You see that one? Oh, I didn't see that one. But let's show the kayak one first, the tiger shark. This is in Hawaii.

And I think that's a high percentage of people that get bit in Hawaii get bit by these fuckers. Look at that thing. Bro, that is so wild. Watch. Bro. That is so wild. Watch that again. That is so crazy. I mean, dude. That thing just stormed in. Was his feet in the water? Almost. No, his feet are in the water right now.

Look. Watch where his left foot comes from. Watch. His foot's behind the shark right now. Oh, shit. He almost got his leg bit off. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Look at this.

That's his foot. Oh, my God. His foot. Dude, that shark almost bit his femoral artery. Bro, look how insane that is. Look at that thing. Just imagine the feeling of that thing chomping on your kayak. And what if it flips it?

You could easily flip it. Oh, you're fucked. I mean, it's just kind of luck that it didn't flip it. Look at that. That's insanity. That's a fucking big tiger shark, too. Oh, my God. That's so scary.

That's the guy? Yeah. Fuck, dude. That guy's got to be so happy he's alive. It's got to be exhilarating. I'd be like, with this fucking water thing, hey, fuck you.

It's weird. People change their opinion on sharks. It used to be that everybody hated sharks after Jaws. It'd be like, fuck yeah, let's go shark fishing. Oh, you're a fucking manly shark fisherman. And now it's like, leave the sharks alone. People, they need to protect sharks now.

But it's, I understand absolutely they're right. You need to protect sharks. But it's just a weird like shift. There's like a dangerous predator that eats human beings on a regular basis. And we're like, we got to make sure there's more of those. It's weird. I'm not, I understand it. I agree with it.

But I'm saying it is weird they're like there was no sharks no people would get eaten by sharks it's called later or not even lakes in Florida you get eaten by a gator like Michigan lakes you ever seen people in Michigan they were swimming or uh was caught Wisconsin it's got the all Minnesota got all the fucking lakes right and they just swim in lakes and just swim out and worry about shit my wife's like that my wife we have in a lake house in Alabama and she'll swim out to the middle of the fucking lake. You know, that's a really good benefit to really cold climates. No reptiles.

Because when you've got an abundance of dangerous reptiles and terrain where they can hide, you've got a real problem, kids. I think it will. You've got a real problem. We go back to the thing i think it raises a different person oh for sure i think it creates a person who maybe anticipates the danger anticipates the like do you ever do you ever anticipate the the the the tragedy in life like think because i know you're the kind of guy that, I remember you saying one time,

anytime I see a guy with a tie on, I go, he doesn't even know what I could do to that tie. I was always joking around about that. But I always felt like

if I had a tie on, someone could grab my tie and collar choke me. Yeah. So I was like, why would you, like, give someone a handle to put around your neck?

But I wonder if, when you grow up with these dangers. I was a little obsessed with jujitsu back then, though. Fucking Isla is obsessed with jujitsu. It's really fun, up with these dangers. I was a little obsessed with jiu-jitsu back then, though. Fucking Isla is obsessed with jiu-jitsu. It's really fun, man. I wish everybody would get obsessed with it.

Shout out to Eddie Bravo. Shout out to everybody. Shout out to Eddie Bravo. Shout out to Jean-Jacques Machado. Shout out to all the fucking people teaching that. Because I think it's one of the most beneficial things that anyone could ever do for their health, for their brain, the peace of mind, learning something that's actually effective. You started fighting early, right?

Well, I started martial arts when I was 15. That's when I really got into it. I took it a little when I was 14, but it was hard to get to the place. I started out at this karate place in Newton. And then I started in Taekwondo when I was 15. What was your... You don't have to, obviously, but you talked about... I love how you start a question with you don't have to,

obviously, whatever. I love you. But sometimes I don't know if you told me this in secret and I'm just telling it. I'm asking you a question that you told me is a secret. Okay, go ahead. Tell me. You got bullied. That's why you got into martial arts because you got bullied right well yeah for sure i mean i was always small and uh i was always new or i moved into these places

what did you weigh it like when you got into martial arts what did you weigh well i wrestled at 134 when i was 15 or i was 14 15 i was like two Tony Hicks clips so yeah once um and I don't believe I cut weight for that um but I did cut weight when I started fighting when I was 16 and 17 I was cutting down to 140 and I was weighing 140 for a while but it was a real struggle and I only did the states at 140 once and that was when I was 17 so what was your like as I was winning 140 for a while, but it was a real struggle. And I only did the States at 140 once, and that was when I was 17. So what was your, like, because I was bullied. It was an all boys Catholic high school, but it definitely formed a little bit of me that maybe I didn't wish it did. What was your bullying like?

Can you tell me a bullying story? It wasn't horrible. You know, it was just a bunch of dudes being dicks. And I didn't like the feeling of not being able to defend myself Like it was it was scary. Oh, yeah one dude was one dude crap me in a headlock This is why I started wrestling one dude grabbed me in a headlock just like out of nowhere We were just staring at each other. We didn't even exchange words and he threw me to the ground and he raised his fist like he was going to punch me,

and then he decided not to. And he just let me go. Like, it was so easy to do that to me that he didn't have to just beat me up. Catch and release. Catch and release. Catch and release. And first of all, thank that dude for doing that. First of all, I don't know why he grabbed me.

I didn't touch him. But at least he didn't really hurt me. But it made me realize, like, oh, I don't know why he grabbed me. I didn't touch him. But at least he didn't really hurt me. But it made me realize, like, oh, I don't know what to do if somebody grabs me and tries to wrestle me. So I started taking wrestling. I joined the wrestling team. And I started doing Taekwondo at the exact same time. So I was doing both of them at the exact same time. And I couldn't do two of them.

And I had to pick one or the other. And I really enjoyed kicking people. It and I had to pick one or the other and I really Enjoyed kicking people it was exciting. It was there's something about that It was just so it was such a great and that's when you when I loved movies like Chuck Norris movies And you know Jean-Claude Van Damme movies. It's like wild kicks is what you want to see people do you watch a Bruce Lee movie? You want to watch? See what I want to be able to do that. Yeah. And so that was what I got obsessed with.

That seemed to me to be something fun to do. So what do you think it says? Not to get back to the what makes you the man you are and what makes me the man I am, where I go, I want everyone to be pleased. When I got bullied – bully my bullying was pretty physical because it was all boys catholic high school and everyone's like boys will be boys yeah and got beat up a couple times like just beat up um my defense was oh i don't know if it was because maybe i was a little bit bigger and i was the size of the people you know like i got bullied by dudes were bigger than me but i was also not like bigger and I was the size of the people, you know, like I got bullied by dudes who were bigger than me, but I was also not like I was, I was a hundred, probably

180 pounds. Right. And so like, even still, but I was just a softer dude, you know? And so I wonder if the, my bullying regressed my aggression, I think. And it turned me into more of a smart ass, more of a, like, I'm going to, I of a like, I'm going to outwit you. I've always had a respect. I've always had a big respect for dudes who can fight and not fucking with the dudes who can fight.

Obviously, I said I'd fight Israel. I think I might have said accidentally, and I'd like to apologize for this publicly, I might have said Tom and I are going to jump Nate Diaz. I might have said I didn't I'd like to apologize for this publicly, I might have said Tom and I are going to jump Nate Diaz. I might have said I didn't care if Conor McGregor slapped me. Meeting Conor, meeting Izzy, I know that's wild talk. I'm a comedian.

Everyone should know I'm a comedian. But that energy is where my sense of humor leaned. When I got bullied, I just was like, I'm going to challenge you in comedy, and if you don't get it, then you're the fucking idiot. But if you get it, does that make sense? Nope. I remember

one time I got beat up pretty good. A couple times I got beat up pretty good. Both. A couple times. A couple times I got beat up pretty good. Both were off of jokes. And what's interesting about both those times, both those men, and I doubt they're listening. I guarantee you they're listening. And they may know who they are. But both those men got publicly shamed and kind of shunned by our friend groups.

They're like, you don't get jokes. Both those guys didn't get comedy. And they lost a lot of friends and they lost a lot of like, because it was like they were jokes. But I will tell you, those two men taught me a very valuable lesson. There are men to fuck with

and there are men not to fuck with. Yeah, some dudes don't want you to play games with them. They don't. And it's a real challenge of like, like you're the baddest motherfucker I know. Well, one of the baddest motherfuckers I know personally. I make fun of you a lot. And I've said wild things about you.

I've called you gay on fucking Logan Paul's podcast. Hey, I would love to hear more about this. Jamie, I got that thing that's happening to the headphone again. I don't hear myself anymore. We're going to pause for a second, folks. Shout out to Sebastian. He just can't send me a very sweet text. Sorry, folks.

We had a technical issue, headphone jack issue. Sebastian, what happened? He just sent me. Sebastian's got a movie also this weekend. It's called My Father. I think it's called My Father. And with Robert De Niro, We both have movies opening this weekend This is my thing. I'll say right now

Just bring back comedy bring back comedy support either of our movies go out and watch comedies bring back comedies Go to the fucking movie theaters go to the fucking movie theaters Text your friends if you like the movie see see mine on fucking Friday Sebastian on Saturday mine on Saturdays Sebastian on Friday Whatever it is support support fucking comedy. Sent me a really sweet text. It's a weird sort of time for movies. Because people are very scared to take chances like they took in these classic, like, Tropic Thunder. Like, you could never.

You could never. Shout out. You could never. It's the writer for Bad Astronauts. Oh, my God. Perfect. Hey, if the machine does well in theaters, we get a green light on Monday, and this script is, you want to see Cum in space?

You're going to see a lot of it. It's about, yeah, it's a weird time. I told you this. I'll say it again, but, like, I was in Serbia before the first day of shooting. I had some wine at dinner, and I was laying in bed, and I listened to you on a podcast, and you said, here's the problem with comedies. They don't go fucking hard anymore. And I sat up in bed, and I went, my first scene isn't hard.

My first scene isn't hard. It's soft, and it's stupid, and he's right. And I fucking rewrote it. I woke up my cousin. I rewrote it. I said, what do you think? You think it's better? And he goes, I don't know if they're going to let you do and I said I know but I just I'm listening to Joe and and like

if you're if you're a little bit of a lighthouse for for us comics is where you know you've always given me great advice and I'm hearing you say it third hand do a podcast we rewrote it I went in I gave it to Peter Tensio I said this this I want this is can we shoot this also shoot this one also do the one you want for safety Peter Tensio read it and laughed extended to the directory rent it or the producer kale loved it and he was like let's shoot this one Instead beautiful and so we fucking come out hard That's great. It also sounds like a group of people get you. Yeah, sometimes you know when a guy's his first big movie You know they'll tell you what to do and give you advice that might not necessarily work with your personality.

Well, people want to be safe, and they don't want to get fired, man. Everyone's got a BMW, and they've got to pay the payment. Bro, imagine being the lady that decided to do that Bud Light campaign with Dylan Mulvaney. to do that Bud Light campaign with Dylan Mulvaney. Imagine, like never thinking that a mistake that you make in a company could go that bad. And so people, when they see something like that in the news, they get so fucking scared of being the person that gets involved

in another thing like that for the left or for the right. It's companies that are learning that attaching yourself to these like socio-political things like yeah there's consequences people get mad oh they get really mad the day that commercial came out i'm in fucking yeah please the day that commercial comes out i'm in i'm in some fucking arena i only say arena so that you know so that we know the conversation that you don't try out a lot of new material in arenas. You know, an arenas show is pretty fucking

dialed in. Yeah, pretty dialed in. So I bring out a Bud Light. I've been drinking on stage lately. I bring out a Bud Light and this dude boos. He goes, Boo! And I'm like, what? And he's like, don't drink that shit. That's trans shit. And I'm like, huh? And this woman goes, he's talking about the commercial.

I was like, wait, because I don't follow the news at all. I go, what the fuck's going on? And then people start talking. They go, Bud Light did a commercial with a trans lady. Kid Rock shut up the beer. No one's drinking Bud Light now. And then I said, I go, now mind you, we're in an arena. I'm rolling the dice pretty hard.

I go, I don't think they went hard enough. I go, if I was a Bud Light, this is a commercial I'd make. Dude's on the corner of his bed. He's got a Bud Light in his hand. His chick's behind him. She's like, are we going to do this or what? He's like, no, no, no. We're doing it.

And he kills the Bud Light. And then he gets in the bed and he sucks his girlfriend's cock. That's the fucking trans commercial I want to see. I like that yeah that's representative and all you see is his head going up and down and she's like and then her voice lowers like yeah play with the balls play with the balls and then he fucking swallows and then he follows it with another butt yeah that's the chaser make that that's inclusive it is it's better yeah yeah just Yeah, just go hard.

Just go so far the other door. I wonder how much further. Do people forgive? Because if these people, look, they're right-wingers. Right-wingers generally tend to be Christian. Do you think they forgive by the light? Is there forgiveness in that? Or is there no forgiveness in a large corporation that attaches?

Is it a lesson for the other corporations if you want to attach yourself to like polarizing viewpoints and things that are hot button social topics there's consequences i don't know i hope it's not like why are corporations getting involved in social stuff anyway there's only one reason because they think that it's going to benefit their bottom line. Up until now. But now it's different. Now they're doing things, they're getting involved in social issues because they think they have to. And they have,

the company has to be representative. They have to go out there and get involved in these things. Your silence is deafening. That's the thing. When the black squares came out, do you remember the black squares? They forced you into compliance. And anytime someone's asking you, forcing you into compliance, that is not, never good. It's never good.

Because if they can do it with that, then it keeps moving further and further down the line. And then you've got some weird new quasi-freedom. Well, you know what it is? Here's the slippery slope, though. So you're getting ready to do a Hollywood premiere, right? Right. And they're at the front. They're like, hey, do we stand with all women?

And some dude, I won't say names, but some dude who's an actor is like, like part of him's like, hey, man, I got dirt. I got dirt. So I don't want to put the thing on to look like I'm being disingenuous, but maybe I'll skate by. Oh, do they give you a pin? They give you a pin. Oh, come on.

You can't force someone to wear a pin. That's crazy. It's how, I won't say anyone's name because I don't want to drag up old stuff, but how a couple dudes got caught. They wore a pin on the carpet and then activists were like, hold on, you got shit in your closet.

Get the fuck out. And so a lot of people just, it's like... Even if it's for the best cause in the world if someone's getting you to join join us join us now you're part of social structures yeah you're part of these weird things that people do when they join groups you know it's like if you had pins on and you came with them maybe, but like to try to get do you agree with us about anything? Well that's the internet. Even if it was an American flag

that would freak people out. Do this for America. Put this on for America. People start going, hey, are you going to make me put something on? Dude, the black square. Are you going to hand me something? The black square was that. Shame me if I don't put the flag on. The black square was that. I woke up that morning. I think it was pandemic times, right?

June 2020. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. I woke up in bed and I opened it and I saw a black square and I thought it was cool. I thought it was cool. I was like, that's cool, man. Yeah, stand up for Black Lives Matter and post the squares. And I was like, that's pretty cool.

And then I saw people not posting and like posting a picture of their mom or something, and everyone's like lighting them up. Oh, so you hate black people? And then I was like, oh, this looks a little toxic. I go, you know what? I'm going to stay away from this today. I like that it's happening. I support that it's happening.

But I may not be the right guy to post up a black square, right? In the special that just aired, I had a joke about me and a black dude that maybe could have been on the fence, right? So I was like, I might to be the spokesman they want and this is back when I looked at my dms and then my dms are like no black square no black square so this is who you are this is who you are and I'm talking like a few you've made money all you just did your last special and you made a joke about a black guy stand with him how dare you make the money off black and i'm sitting there going well fuck man and i'm really assessing who i am as a person and i'm like well i do i do and then you're laying in bed this is all happening in bed you're like

i'm him i do support my favorite some of my favorite human beings are black my bus driver who i love to death ron i was well, is he thinking this about me? And then you post to Black Square, and then it's the other side. Oh, so you're one of those cuck cowards. And then you eliminate the comments, and God fucking damn. And then you're like, I guess I'm throwing my phone into the river. Yeah, man, it's a tribal thing that happens with human beings, especially with polarizing ideas.

You know, whether it's a woman's right to choose or whether it's pro-choice or whether it's, you know, do you support Black Lives Matter? The real problem becomes when people enforce compliance and they want you to comply, whether it's like they're doing it socially whether they're threatening your livelihood like you can force people to think a certain way if it if their livelihood depends on it and we know that that happens that it's good sketchy shit it happened it happened you know when when you they tried to cancel you and people started like i wasn't aware that it was going on and and i'd wake up my dms are lit up how dare you not support joe and i'm like what i don't even know what's fucking happened and then i i and then you sit there for a moment you sit at your desk and you find out what's going on and you write something

you go i know this is gonna like i know some of these la parents that i lit friends with or some of my you know aren't gonna like my stance right now but this is my friend i don't remember what i wrote i don't remember what i wrote i posted a picture of me and you i said something i'm very i'm very privileged to have joe as my my I love him. I stand by him and whatever whatever whatever but hey, dude, you know you want to fucking talk about fucking throwing a fucking and and Then I got a text from my dad my dad is a best but is a phone call my dad goes buddy You know, I know I met you always a sweet guy. I don't really stand for what you know Whatever's going on with him right now,

but I'm so proud to have raised a man that stands by his friends. And you're like, oh, yeah, that's the fucking, that's the real world. That's the world Joey Diaz lives in. That real interaction you have with another human being where you go, I did the right thing. I'm going to start my day. You know, like, fuck the internet. Fuck the comments.

I'm not going to fucking sit there in the comments and start fighting with people I got into fucking Indigenous mascots last night randomly on a fucking someone else's post and I'm reading all these comments, and I'm getting worked up I'm like whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa I like the old-school mascot for Florida State fuck it. I don't give a fuck Which which thing was this the n-word video was yeah Which thing? Was this the N-word video? N-word video. Yeah.

Boy, I could see why people would be so upset, obviously. We used to say the word in a way, like, if you were, like, using it in a sentence, like, talk about a Richard Pryor routine. It just didn't seem as offensive then as it does now. Now it seems like impossibly offensive. That's what's interesting is that there's no words that are really that way where it's positive if certain people use it and negative if other people use it. Like, you could say it as, like, an affirmation. You could say it as, like, a punchline sometimes. A punchline sometimes. So many stand-ups. Derek Poston, shout out to him.

I counted last night. I think it was 25. And he did 10 minutes. I mean, if you're a stand-up, I mean, it is a very valuable word. But you know what's crazy is I watched Derek last night. Fucking hilarious. And he uses the word a lot. And I started counting a couple times.

I was like, this is because I've just seen you. You know, just seen you. And you have a, not spoiler alert, but great fucking thing. And I watched Derek and I kind of counted. And I thought, what's amazing is they are not even hearing the word really. They're not hearing the word as if if I said it, they'd hear it. It's just skating by. Right.

When he says it, it doesn't cause any tension. It's amazing. It's amazing. But that's what's so weird about that word is that it's the only word where the amount of melanin in your skin predicates whether or not you could. That dictates whether or not you can say it where you're from that dictates where you could say it it's like it's a word that is privileged to a certain group i mean not privileged obviously it's it's a terrible slur pointed at people yeah but when they're using it the way they want to use it whether it's in hip-hop lyrics or whether

it's a stand-up comedy when they're using it the way they want to use it, whether it's in hip hop lyrics or whether it's in stand up comedy, when they're using it the way they want to use it, it's a beautiful like social tool. It's melodic. Oh my God. For stand up comedy, I think it gives an extra layer of flavor. Oh. Like if like Chappelle uses it. Chappelle's got a joke about him and his dude in the car and a cop pulls up next to him

and it's a white guy and he's like I think we should race him and Chappelle goes and he uses the word but the word is the thing and it gives it such a like where you're like it just sparkles well Chris Rock is one of the greatest bits ever

on that word I mean it's a fucking amazing bit. It's just a very, very strange word in terms of, like, all the other words that exist. That's the only one. Like, there's no positive, like, slurs against Jews. Right? There's no slurs against Jews that if someone was Jewish, they could say

in a positive way. The flip is, Jewish people, I'm getting comfortable, Jewish people will mock their Judaism in front of you. Yes. I can't throw a baseball.

You know, typical Jew. But if you said it to them, they'd yeah i can't throw a baseball you know typical jew right but if you said it to them they'd be like what the fuck are you trying to say right and you're like and and here's the thing i was trying to think of last night so we were i wanted to talk to you about that thing you're doing so i was like it's really brilliant and and one of the things i was thinking is like it's possible that we don't have white people don't have a word that is as uh explosive or volatile to us that means so much and so like maybe we can't we can't understand no way we can't understand but it's crazy just as a word that the flip side of it is they can use it and it just sounds fine yeah it doesn't anybody. We're all just sitting there.

Everyone's laughing. It makes times better. It's really, it's a weird word, man. Snoop said it to me when I walked. We were at this event. I told you, and I said, I want to go hang out with Snoop. And Leanne's like, can't you hang out with Snoop? I go, he's my friend.

If we can't hang out, then we're not friends. So I went over. I said to the guy, I was like, tell Papa Bert's here. And he was like, what? No. And I was like, just tell Papa Bert's here. And he's like, who's Papa? I go, just yell, Papa Bert's here.

He goes, Papa Bert's here. And he's like, yeah, dog wants to see him. And then I just walked through. I went back. First words out of Snoop's mouth. My end. Yeah. And I felt so much love. I felt so much fucking love.

Right? I felt so much love. Isn't that crazy? Isn't that crazy? That word is so, it's just as a word. It's so fascinating. And if I, now the exact opposite, if I had said that to him. Oh yeah.

It would have ruined the night. Oh yeah. Yeah. And we're aware of that to him. Oh, yeah, it would have ruined the night. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and I and and we're aware of that social interaction But at the same time There's like there is there there was this time Where where people thought like I remember reading the word in high school During reading Huck Finn reading it allowed and Huck Finn reading it aloud. Is that still in it or did they change the words?

I don't know because i think i think some let's find out what what's going on with that because i feel like i read that that there was some call to remove that word from huckleberry finn yeah yeah Yeah? Let's see what it says. Yeah, it's like... Well, remember the Chevy Chase routine with Richard Pryor? Yeah. Yeah.

Fuck yeah. On SNL. I mean, it's... It was interesting, too. There was a period of time where Quentin Tarantino had white people saying it in his movies. Oh, yeah. Well, he said it a bunch of times in Pulp Fiction. Alabama publisher says expurgation... Is that the right word? Expurgation. I've never said it a bunch of times in Pulp Fiction. Alabama publisher says expurgation.

Is that the right word? Expurgation. I've never said that before. I'm using that when I cum. Hi. I'm expurging. Of more than 200 hurtful epithets will counter preemptive censorship that has seen Mark Twain's Yeah, okay.

It censors the N-word. What do they use in replace of that word? They just call them Jim? N-Jim. Oh. Yeah. You're reading the words. Read all the words they say.

Oh, my God. They're going to replace it with the word slave. Wait, what? Wow. In the new edition, the word will be replaced in each instance by slave. The word engine will also be replaced in the text. I wonder what they changed. That's an interesting word.

I never really heard that word growing up. Injun? Yeah. And we grew up in Florida where the Seminole tribe was really big. Well, they were the only unconquered tribe. Seminole tribe. Yeah. I did the Civic Center in Tallahassee, And right before the show, they gave me the spear.

Have I told you this story? No. I just don't like repeating myself, and I do it a lot. It's okay. I forget stories. Good. I enjoy them in the moment, but there's too many of them. My database is so overwhelmed.

I'm like a shitty old computer that has way too many fucking movies on it. Growing up in Tampa, I had no civic pride. Like, kids in Boston, you had civic pride. You wore the Red Sox hat. We just had the Bucs, and they sucked. Right. When I went to Florida State, when I started going to Florida State, my dad said, you're going to have so much fun.

You're going to really experience a community. Those football games, I didn't understand what he was saying. My dad grew up in New York, Yankees fan. Like, my dad understood that and knew I didn't have it as a kid. And I went to Florida State, and my first game, I didn't really understand. We're all wearing the same colors. We're doing the Tomahawk chant. And that first game, Chief Osceola comes out on Renegade, and he has on the horse.

Have you ever seen this? No. He has a burning spear.ceola comes out on Renegade, and he has, on the horse, have you ever seen this? No. He has a burning spear, and he comes out. Jamie, you've got to pull it up. So beautiful. On bareback on a horse, dude dressed, Native American dress, Native American, like a Seminole, with a burning spear, and he goes out to the center of the fucking thing,

and he rears Renegade back on his two legs, and he holds it there, and the whole crowd's going, and then he spikes the burning spear in the center. The place explodes. Look at this. Look at this. Now, a kid from Florida, I'm seeing this. This is me.

I'm fucking 18 years old. This is so crazy. Just committing a hate crime. What is the hand forward supposed to represent? Throwing the spear. Oh, really? Yeah. Throwing the spear. This is so psycho.

Dude, this is me at 18 with no idea. I'm high as shit. This is so psycho. I'm drunk. I don't know what's going on. My dad told me to get ready for this. And I'm a part of this in the moment, right? Doak Campbell Stadium.

One of the coolest college experiences you could ever have in a million fucking years. Fuck the Irish. Football. Fuck Shane Gillis. Football. Shane Gillis, you fat fuck. Fuck your team. Yeah, shut him.

Yeah, shut the fuck up and stay there. Yeah, and then watch. Look at this. This is Florida State, baby. Listen, man. Football is war with a condom on. Did they show Chief Osceola throwing the spear yet? This is a representation of war.

Everyone's chanting and cheering for their warriors. These warriors spill it onto the field. Yeah. But wait, you got to see Osceola. Okay, but did you realize how crazy this looks? Look at this. These are our Sabbath Yeah, fuck. Yeah, let's get after them boys. Oh you get a territorial fuck. Yeah, this is me This is my fuck. That's not you Bert. You live on service. Watch this watch the fuck up. This is who I was

This is my grooming Joe. This is the snakes. I grew up with these are the Gators I grew up with okay And then you're so excited about it to team filled with people you don't know. But these are my colors. Oh, I get it now. No, no. And then you got to see, see the, go to Chief Osceola.

It's not showing it on this video. They're not showing it? That's one of the things that I like about combat sports. There's none of this. So then, so then, he throws this beer in,

the place pops. Place pops. 80,000 people, pops. I start crying. Oh. Like, I get pops. I start crying like Imagine I guess our clients so like I'm like I'm like I'm a part of something like something bigger than me I'm a part of the first time in my life. So I come back to play the arena and Hold on hit pause. I go back to play the arena and they have everything I mean everything

So it's your rolls. It's no they welcome back birdie boy okay like it's like it's like they have a red carpet lined up and they say to me they say and I take a walk through campus and kids are sticking their heads out the window welcome home birdie boy it's so silly that I get emotional about this and they say to me they go at the end they go um they said hey there's a present we want to give you before you go on stage. I'm such a fucking idiot. I thought I was getting a doctorate I thought they're gonna give me like the cap and gown your doctor partying or some shit Yeah, and they give me the spear they give me the fucking spear and they're like hey, and then this is me This is one of the greatest moments my fucking life You taking your house. No take a look at this.

Tell me how fucking beautiful that is. Oh, yeah, I saw this. I saw this on your Instagram. This is amazing. Look at all they're doing. They tomahawk with their fucking hands. Everyone's doing it with their phones. This is... Boy, it'd be so easy to start a cult there.

Fuck yes. Oh, yeah. You could just... Send me back. You're ready. Send me back, brother ready Send me back brother It is It's

Play that at my funeral Isn't that interesting How fucking Territorial people are And how much they love Like this An area That they're from

Yeah It's But it's also Like when you're talking About like surviving Yeah there it is You're talking about Surviving alligators

And living in the swamps With wild folks. That's how we get down. That's how you get down. That's how you get down. Go to fucking, go to Australia and do a show and they're all going, showy, showy. I got a throat infection. From drinking out of people's shoes?

I drank out of so many shoes, Joe. Jesus Christ. I had to stop. I was like. You got a throat infection? I got a throat infection. So even all the alcohol that you're throwing down wasn't enough to counteract the funk of someone's fucking dirty feet that you were sucking on?

It was my shoes. I started buying new shoes so I could do more shoes. That's so gross. Your own shoe? You drink in your own funk? No, what's worse? Yeah, your funk would be way better than someone else's. Joe, I was buying brand new shoes just to drink out of.

Oh, Christ. Very seldomly in America do I wake up going, what shoe am I going to drink out of today? And that was every fucking day in Australia. Yeah, you got to give up on that idea. These people are... Stop. I don't want to see this. That was me.

If you Google Bert Shuey, you'll see him all over the place. What if that's good for your gut biome? You're so Joe Rogan. Yeah. A wonder. You are the weirdest dude I know. What if that's good for your gut bio? Yeah, I would imagine it stresses you a little.

Like people in some countries, they drink their water and they don't have a problem. But if an American went over there and drank their water, they would get deathly sick. Mexico. Yeah. You can't brush your teeth with that shit. Montezuma's revenge. Gives you asshole fucking jet spray. It's bad diarrhea,

hangover, right? It's real bad, right? We did it to the Native Americans. We rolled over here and just fucking infected them. Yeah. With like little things. Smallpox. Was it smallpox? Yeah, they killed, literally killed 90% of the population 90% and I mean it was a we think of the genocide as being like us killing or not us trailer tears and shit my family came over here in the 20th century but we think of it as yeah

massacres but it wasn't it was that for sure it as, yeah, massacres. But it wasn't. It was that for sure. There was a lot of massacres. It's a lot of atrocities. Yeah. But also the majority of people were killed by diseases they had no immunity for. And that's probably what happened with the Mayans too. When they think about like where this civilization that created these incredible structures, like how did this happen?

And you go back to Cabeza de Vaca when there's a great book called A Land So Strange. And it's all about these guys from Spain landing in Florida and making their way and running into the Mayans. And like, what the fuck is going on down there? Oh, dude. Wait, what's the name of this book? It's called A Land So Strange. A Land So Strange. Yeah.

There's, what these guys encountered when they're talking about, when those early settlers encountered these incredible cities where people had all these gold ornaments and this incredible sophistication. And then when people went back later, it was gone. Everyone was dead.

Because those people that went there first and then came and told everybody about it, they killed them all. They just breathed on them with that European funk. The stuff that they had lived with, so they had immunity to it. So when they came over here, they just killed everybody. Jesus. Yeah. That's what happened to 90%, they think, of the Native Americans.

And happened probably throughout the Micronesia, probably when James Cook started discovering everything. Well, that's also one of the reasons why uh north sentinel island that island where that um that missionary went and got murdered by the natives like they think that the reason why they're hostile to people is that at one point in time there was this guy who was a famous explorer slash pervert who used to travel around and take photographs of people like dressed up in Roman costumes and shit and a lot of these people like they went to a bunch of these sort of uncontacted islands and they got up they kidnapped some people got a bunch of

people sick and a few people died from whatever they got sick from yeah and so I think they've always connected people that visit them with like sickness and death like that guy fucked it up for everybody i had that feeling towards women for a while to get the clap once and you're like i don't trust any fucking woman it's venereal diseases are pretty wild because it's like diseases are so crafty they figure out a way like how can i get in there i know i gotta get on that guy's dick have you ever had have you ever heard be D? I never had anything that was worth talking about on a podcast Terrifying to me is that that's how people died in the 1400s.

Al Capone. Yeah. Al Capone had fucking syphilis. Yeah, you watch those old photographs and video of, well, I guess not photographs, but do they have video of anybody who has syphilis? Oh, their nose goes away. Everything. Big holes in their faces.

Scary shit, man. Because, like, that fucking tissue rotting, like, what does that do to your insides? You've got holes in your face and holes in the top of your head, and it's from sex? Dude. I've told this a million times, but you know that's where the term bigwigs comes from, right? Oh. You don't know this? There was these French royal guys, and they had syphilis, and so their hair was falling out.

And they put on these wigs, and they were very popular socially, and everyone started wearing wigs. And the more money you had, the bigger your wig was. Really? That's what big wig is. Yeah. I love those. It comes from syphilis. That should be an app.

I love those. Those kind of facts. You know where Cat in the Bag came from? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's some good ones like that. Like long in the tooth? Mm-hmm. It's because you hold a horse's mouth open to see how long the tooth was and that's how

old they were. Right. And then you start looking at old people's teeth, especially their bottom and they're really long and you're like oh wow holy yeah your gums start falling apart i like that yeah it's interesting those phrases like where they come from but that one's particularly weird i wonder if we've started any as comics because comedy's so big right now like give them the light yeah give them the light maybe Like give him the light? Yeah, give him the light, maybe.

There's probably a few. It's a fun time for comedy. Dude. It's a fun time. Can I tell you, I was thinking about this in bed today. I was like, I wonder, like I'll put it in USC terms. Like so Oleg Tartarov is in our movie. I love that dude.

He loves you. And he is a fun fucking hang. He's a fun dude. Do you remember when we FaceTimed you? Mm-hmm. Yeah. We were watching the World Cup soccer, and I went to this hotel because the whole cast was over there. He's a big dude.

He's a big dude, and he's still strong as fuck, and he's tight. He's a strong man. Oleg Tartarov was one of the first guys that I ever saw in MMA pull off leg locks against really high-level competition. And then I found out about Pancrase afterwards. But Oleg was one of the first guys I think I ever saw that pulled off leg locks. I was like, wow. Yeah.

So I was thinking about this. So he's in the movie. He's a big actor. He's a big actor now. But when I ran into him we were both drinking beers and I didn't realize who it was and he just walks up to me in that Russian accent he's like you know Joe and I was like Rogan he was yeah call him I go I go I joke that's not how Joe works you don't just like FaceTime Joe and he goes FaceTime Joe and I FaceTime

you when you picked up and he grabbed the phone he goes Joe and you're like oh Holy shit. What are you doing? I'm doing a movie them But like I think about this when I think about comedy so like you look at Oleg and the career he had he was a fucking Legend right yeah, you look at always Gracie you look at dance Shamrock Ken Shamrock Tito Ortiz right for all these fucking The guy with a big the fucking strong ear who would use it against people. Randy Couture. Randy Couture.

And the fucking- Charades. Yeah, and then the other guy who always seemed like he got sliced on his eye by a glove during a fight and he had to tap out because he got sliced by a glove. He used to fight against Randy all the time. That was Randy too, buddy. No, no, no. Randy got his eye cut. Oh, was it Randy?

Yeah, it was against Vitor Belfort. Chuck Liddell. Oh, yeah, Chuck didn't have that issue. I thought he did. Yeah, no, that was Randy against Vitor Belfort. It was just a very unusual injury, and it sliced the eyelid open, and they had to stop the fight.

Like, the actual eyelid had separated. Yeah, I remember that. Well, I remember it kind of. They couldn they had to stop the fight. Like the actual eyelid had separated. Yeah, I remember that. Well, I remember it kind of. They couldn't let him fight, apparently. You think about all those guys, right? Those are like the guys that started, the guys that were the one that piqued our interest. They ran UFC, ran UFC.

And then you look at like Izzy and fucking Conor and you see how much money someone like Conor makes. And I always wonder if those guys look at Connor and go like, shit, man, you're welcome for the path I carved through the road because you would have never gotten there. Last night, I'm hanging out with Dice, thinking Dice is the first guy that ever did stadium,

like arenas, in our generation. I mean, Steve Martin did, but he was the only motherfucker that did arenas. Yeah, he was the first, for sure. The first guy to do. And he did. What was the number he said? He said some insane number.

Do you remember the number he said he did? Yeah, it was like 700 or some shit like that. Oh. Some insane number of arenas he sold out. Oh, I'm sorry. I was thinking of something else. I don't remember what the number was, but it was like, holy shit. Sorry, I was thinking of something else.

I don't remember what the number was, but it was like, holy shit. And we're talking about Carlin and fucking all the legends that were in the 80s. They never got to do stadiums and arenas. Fucking Andrew Schultz did the fucking Houston Stadium the other day. He did the stadium. I mean, Tommy did two shows at the United Center I I I won't talk

it's a wild time for comedy but I wonder if those comics look at us the same way Oleg and those guys look at Connor

like he's just lucky timing we just showed up at a time when these people laid the foundation for what what could become

you know listen you're gonna waste time and energy thinking about that. Who cares what they think? Like you look at the old Mike Schmidt played for the fucking Phillies. And then you see him negotiate a contract for $350,000. And then you look at the guys negotiating for like $750,000. Right.

It's just crazy that like I was trying trying to break it down in my head. I see what you're saying. Yeah. I see what you're saying. But for sure, but that's going to be the case with the next generation that comes up after us. They'll probably have some insane advantage as well. Yeah.

I mean, there's just social media and podcasts just changed everything. Changed everything. Hold on. You, I'm going to do two seconds, but you gave a lot to us. You gave a lot to me. No, no, no, I meant to our community. Yeah, but the community.

You didn't have like your three openers that you only put on. It wasn't just you and your couple boys. You opened it up to all of us, and you were like, hey, Tom, who's your buddy Bert? And then he's like, oh, you should meet Bert. I want to meet him. And then you'd put people over.

Hey, Bert, who's that guy? I'm saying this, but like I had Tim on my podcast very early. And then all of a sudden, like you're like, hey, introduce me to Chris DiStefano and all these guys that are like, you never had any jealousy about you. You always were generous with your platform and with your fans.

And maybe not enough people know that and maybe not enough people appreciate just the feeling that we as a community have for you because you gave us things. Not money, not anything but just opportunities. I said this to Big Boy on a podcast the other day. You

never cared about one-upping anyone. I that sometimes in podcasts i'm gonna tell the story i tell the story that i think's better i do it i do it i do it but like you didn't you were like that's a great story and then you go hey do you ever you ever wonder how they build the pyramids and you just talk about like you just were like curious and fun and like and and and i'm i'm telling you man it, I said to someone the other day, you got like 10 friends who do arenas. Pretty crazy. That never happened.

Yeah, that's pretty wild. You have 10 of your best friends that do arenas. Yeah. There's not a lot, I don't, I don't. I haven't put over people like that. There's not a lot of comics out there that have done that for comedy. And you never said like, yo, can I get a cut of that or anything? No, that's very nice of you to say. But in my defense, no one else had the opportunity that I had.

I had a very unique situation. So it was, for me, it was like, it makes sense. It's mutually beneficial it's great for everybody it's great for the art form it's fun and i like when people do well i like it that's always like that's unique you know that right it shouldn't be it's a it's a mindset i could have fallen into the same jealous mindset that most people have i'm not a special person i just figured it out early on that it's actually a weakness. I analyzed it like when I would feel bad about someone doing well, I'd be

like, what is that about? And I sat around and I thought about it for quite a bit. And this was when I was like 21. Because I remember I definitely had a lot of jealousy when I was fighting. But then when I got into comedy, I sort of carried that over. And one time I was thinking about it, and it really bothered me. Because I'm like, that seems like that's taking up a lot of my energy, that I'm jealous of someone who's doing better than me. Like, why would I do that? Why, when I instead could have the exact same experience but be inspired?

I'm like, it's just a mindset switch. And it also makes it so much easier to hang out with people and talk to people. It makes you have better bonds with people. If you can just fucking enjoy watching people do well and then do your best. Do your best and enjoy watching people do well. And I your best. Do your best and enjoy watching people do well. And I think that doing well is contagious. And I think doing well, if you're around people

that do well and you help them and they help you, I think it's contagious. And I think that shit spreads. You gave us success pods. You were the settler that came into a bunch of indigenous people and gave us the sex pox. Because there's, I mean, you know the settler that came into a bunch of a bunch of indigenous people and gave us the sex box because There's I mean, you know, it's it's like well

We have to take credit to the store too because it all really came to fruition at the store It's like the camaraderie that we all had at the store and that you know We was like the first group that actually benefited from each other rather than you know know, if you and I were both up for the same role in a sitcom. We're friends, but we see each other auditioning. And it's like, and some guys will get shitty with you. Just try to fuck with your head. You know, I've experienced that before in auditions. I was like, oh, God, people insult you just to try to fuck with your head or try to make you feel bad before you go into the room.

Just to try to fuck with your head or try to make you feel bad before you go into the room. But we didn't have that because we came, we sort of like made it in a time where the internet was coming alive. And as our careers advanced, the internet did too. And what happened was we all became a benefit to each other instead of a liability. Like to have really funny friends that you could do podcasts with was great. We would do each other's shows and we would all have fun together. And then we would go to the ice house and do shows there and do this and do that. Everyone became a great asset instead of a liability.

Yeah. Yeah. So instead of like a competition, like, oh, he might get the part, it became, oh, and then we also realized that when you do a bunch of shows like we were doing at the Ice House with a bunch of killers, you get better.

Oh, fuck, yeah. You get better. You get better. Everybody gets better. Mark Norman watched me last night. I told a joke that I, it's not a joke. It was just something that happened to me

once in life. It's a story, but it's just a weird story and You need guys like Adam Egan or mark mark Norman came up to me goes. That's a fucking bit Mm-hmm. I was like for real. He's like dude. It's fucking hilarious And then sometimes right you just like someone needs to tell you and then you're like, oh, I know I can say it I know how to okay, dude, and you go to work on it I said are the one of the best jokes I had on secret time was not I'm gonna go to film secret time and the week before I spent every night at the store and I said I want to find I want to make

Sure where these holes are cuz that that that's a pretty honest audience Mm-hmm, and I randomly told a story about getting my white pajamas for Christmas Just in the OR when you're bombing yeah, and And then you're like, I got to pivot. Right. And I'm just like, this will work. This is a good story. It wasn't in my hour. And Adam Egan pulled me aside.

He goes, that's the best joke you have. Oh, that's hilarious. And I went, it's not a joke. And he goes, it better be in secret time. And I go, no, it's not. And I moved it up. I took it that weekend. That week, I worked it out at the OR.

Put it in secret time in the first, like, 14 minutes, where I work specials differently, I think. Put it in the first 14 minutes, it's, like, the most, like, the biggest joke I had, and I go, thank God I'm around fucking smart motherfuckers. Yeah, thank God. It's nice to have a lot of people to bounce things off of, too. That's been nice about being here I told Adam last night

I work with a young lady who's fucking a gangster she's a gangster, she's awesome and Adam said how did that happen and I go I watched what Joe did with you he goes what? and I go Joe wanted you Joe's like I'm starting a club I want that guy

and he said, I'm paraphrasing tell Joe wanted you. He's like, Joe's like, I'm starting a club. I want that guy. Yeah. And he said, I'm paraphrasing. Tell me what you want. Cool, let's do it. I said the same thing to Victoria. I said, tell me what you want. Cool, let's do it. You surround yourself by the motherfuckers and you are golden.

And you walk in. Leanne said last night, Leanne had a beautiful experience at the Comedy Mothership. She said to me this morning, I feel like Austin hasn't been any of mine because you always go there by yourself. And it's so cool because she goes, you know, every club I go to with you, they know who I am. And I just didn't think anyone would know me at the Comedy Mothership. And then we stayed there until 3 in the fucking morning. She goes, that's the coolest place. She goes, did he hire everyone that's good?

And I went, everyone. He got everyone. And that's the fucking model. Fucking surround yourself by the motherfuckers. Yeah, do it the right way too. Yeah. If you're going to do it. And don't do it until you can do it the right way.

You know, behind your time. Take chances. Take chances. Take chances. Sell flashlights. Yeah, have some fun out in this wild world. Bert Kreischer, you were probably on episode, like, fucking three or something like that. What episode was Bert Kreischer on? Oh, it was late.

No, well, the Machine story was number 95. Wow. The Machine was number 95. Wait, what year was that? Can you tell me? People always ask. I'm going to say that's 2010. The machine story.

I never would have told her. What a wild thing. Out of all the things that have emerged from the podcast, this has got to be the most preposterous. Number 73 might have been your first one. 73 is when I told the Tracy Morgan story. That was January 2013? Shout out to Tracy.

I'm so sorry. 2013? Hold on. No, that's when somebody else. Okay. Either way, it was a long-ass time ago. If you would have told me that you telling that story on the podcast would not just become like a part of your act you have to tell every time would also become a fucking movie that's about to come out i always said what

yeah it's gonna be like the number one movie in the country what are you talking about that story on this fucking show we did in a bedroom in my house? How is this possible? How is it possible? That one was April 5th, 2011. 2011? Dude. That's when you told it. April's my fucking month.

Wow. April's my fucking month. What a crazy fucking story. The Rolling Stone magazine came out April 1st. And for someone to try to take that story and say, do you support the mafia? Are you a part of robbing? Have your friends forgiven you?

Are you trying to play gotcha journalism? How many dorks did you have to talk to when you did this media job? Look at Young Burt. Look at you. Look at Joe Rogan with a beard, black beard. Back in the day, son. This is about the time I told it. Last time you were here, there's a fucking story about the Russian mob.

We tease these bitches. These people right now on Twitter, they have been going crazy all day. Do not let Bert Kreischer get out of there without the Russian mob story, man. Tell us what the fuck happened. Go find that online, ladies and gentlemen, because it's fucking amazing. Bert Kreischer. That story changed my life, Joe. That story changed my life.

Hey, we all changed each other's lives like legitimately we really did we got a great thing going on there's a lot of us it's a lot of fun these shows have been amazing there's there's such it's such a good time everyone's podcast is thriving it's beautiful here's what i'll say. Keep the good time rolling. I'll tell you secret time. More secret time? If comedies do well in the theater, next summer, your lineup has got Shane Gillis in the movie theater. Shane Gillis, Tim Dillon, Mark Norman, fucking Tom Segura, Birdcracker. Yeah. If you go out and you spend your money to support live comedy like we know our fans do,

support it in the theaters. Get our backs in the theaters to prove to the studios that our sense of humor is real and it translates. Yeah. And if you enjoy comedies like I do,

there's only one way. This is the roll of the dice. This is it. They're taking a chance now. They're taking a chance now. They're taking a chance. And if this scores, then the party keeps rolling. But you've got to go to the movie theaters, man. You've got to prove it in the movie theaters.

And I know that's a selfish ask. Why is it more important in the movie theaters than the amount of streams? The amount of buying on Apple? So the way a deal works, once again, I know I'll get in trouble for this. The way a deal works. Well, don't say it if you're going to get in trouble. No, I don't care. I want my movie to do well So the way a movie works is you get X amount of dollars 20 million dollars to make a movie I think we spent 20 million dollars 30 million dollars on the machine Okay, so if it goes in the movie theaters everyone gets to recoup their money when you go to a streamer

They basically go. What did you pay? Cool, we'll get break you even and we'll give you a little extra. But you don't get the big bucks. That's coming to us. And so if this movie does well, everyone's got points on the back end. So every extra dollar you make, everyone that makes it starts making money. All these people that go, hey, we should put this and this and do this comedy and make it soft they start realizing shit my money will make uh fucking murdering a dude and blood all over the place like make fucking crazy comedies that'll

make me money and then they'll start leaning into it and then there'll be a there's a bunch of people that'll go let's go harder hey uh kurt metzger what's your idea all right and that's and so like in the movie theaters there's just more money to be made because it's it's a like Bruce Willis when he did Sixth Sense he just took points he didn't take any money

so he made like hundreds of millions of dollars on the books so when these movies once you break your budget once you break 30 million

all of a sudden all that money starts flowing into the studios and the networks or the studios and the production companies and they're like fuck let's do that again and then we'll sell to the streamer and we'll make our money back and then we'll make and then some and we're making more money and the streamers are there i was partying with our boy the other night he was like it let's

do great in the movie theaters then come to us and do even better because people are watching on repeat but it's got to do good in the movie theaters You got movies are dying people aren't going out to movies. They're only going out for the Avengers. That's it right now And so we really are a bill hicks joke. We really are a bill hicks joke We really have turned into bill hicks Now it seems like it that would be it sounds like a bill hicks joke The only movie people go see is The Avengers. It's the truth. It does.

Doesn't that sound like a Hicks joke? And these fucking movies, if they do well in the theaters, and all of a sudden these dudes who are running these studios that have the access to the big pockets that go, I'm telling you right now, the machine does well. I can guarantee you two things. Mark my fucking words. Machine does well. Fat astronauts get screenlit on Monday.

And Tim Dillon's project gets screenlit on Tuesday. I can promise you that. Tim Dillon is the hottest fucking commodity in Hollywood right now. If I started gambling on this, would this be insider trading? It should be. Tim Dillon is the hottest commodity in Hollywood. Everyone fucking loves that guy. And they're afraid to say it out loud.

Ah, because it's problematic. He's a right winger. Who knows what he's going to do? Crazy gay right winger. Everyone loves Tim Dillon. Shane Gillis. I was sitting in a tent in Serbia with Legendary watching fucking Gillian Keeves.

We're crying laughing. That's your next movie star. Shane Gillis is the best actor out of all of us. Out of all of us, the best comedic actor around. You don't need to put him in an action comedy. You go, Shane Gillis, what do you want to do? His movie will be the biggest summer blockbuster of the fucking year. Mark my goddamn fucking words.

But they've got to trust that they can make their money back. And it's got to be made in the theaters. I really don't like business talk, but I hear what you're saying. Yeah? Yeah. It's like, I get their point, too. It's risky. It's your money.

I mean, superhero movies is the easiest. Yeah. Right? They always win. I mean, when we started podcasting, we were like, yeah, keep it small. Let's make our money back. And then guys like you started going, I see the guys, people like Spotify, like I see the profit margin

in this. Let's roll the dice. Now, granted, you're the same as me, a little bit chancy, say some fucked up shit every now and then. Who knows where we're going? You get a company like Spotify or a company like Netflix who stands behind what you say, and they go, we support free speech. You just

gotta let them know that the money, because they do that because the money's coming in. Right. The studios haven't seen the money come in yet. The studios need to be convinced the same way Netflix and Spotify have been convinced that free speech and comics talking wild and doing wild shit is profitable, and that our fans right here will go out to the movie theaters, and then all of a sudden, I'm telling you, it's a game changer

I bet it can happen you know it really can and in that sense a lot of times if people like it but the critics hate it if certain critics hate it it actually is better because it makes people distrust distrust critics even more especially oh critics want to hate stuff I haven't read one thing about the machine at all I won't I, there's critics that love certain films, but... They hated Ace Ventura. They hated... Really? I think they hated one now.

Siskel and Ebert, they didn't hate it for the right reasons. They hated Ace Ventura. They trashed it. They trashed it. Well, I mean, it wasn't the best movie in the world. If you go back and watch it, it's not the best movie in the world. It was pretty fucking great. It's okay. I mean, I don't know. movie in the world. If you go back and watch it, it's not the best movie in the world. It was pretty fucking great. It's okay.

I mean, I don't know. It's hard watching old comedies. Like, you ever try to watch Porky's? Yeah. It's a big old rape fest. What the fuck? But yeah, but then you look at Step Brothers. Step Brothers.

Is there a... Should I leave that in there? Porky's is a... No, I mean, I've watched... I have a VHS tape of it airing on public normal TV, like NBC at late at night, and they have all the bad shit, in quotes, edited out. Oh, my God. But it's just the nudity is edited out.

That's it? Holy shit. Oh, that's it? Yeah, it was from the 90s. That was a crazy movie, right? What happened in that movie? The dude put his dick in a hole through the girl's locker, and I'm like, someone jack me off.

Jesus Christ. And the teacher comes and grabs it. Like, someone jacked me off. Jesus Christ. And the teacher comes and grabs it. Oh, my God. That's right. The teacher grabs it. Bro, why was that okay then? Like, why were these movies okay? I don't know.

But think about how much culture. Let Andrew Schultz make a movie, and I bet it's going to be like that. You give Andrew Schultz fucking $30 million, that movie's going to be fucking insane. Yeah, it's interesting, isn't it? That's the truth, man. We proved it in podcasting. We did. Yeah.

We proved it on the internet. I mean, look at how many guys, look at what, you know what Gillian Cues did offline, like when he released it, when they released it to the fan base, said, hey, here, pay this. Right. Did fucking bananas numbers. Bananas. I'm sure. People want.

Shane Gillis is a gangster. People forget that he's a fucking businessman, too. He is a gangster. I will get into the weeds about this all day long privately. Privately. We'll talk later. But, like, they did great money, and then they were like, oh, cool, we get to make a cool thing, and our fans love it.

That's all people got to know in Hollywood. That's what Louis C.K.'s doing. Yeah. Perfect example. Exactly. Yeah, selling all of it on his website, putting all his movies there, his television show. Bobby Kelly's special did fantastic. Joe List's movie did fantastic.

He's putting money out. Louis is Sony or legendary. He's just doing it all in-house and going like, I know all, I hire all the people. I got a line producer. Let's just make it. We'll sell it direct to consumer. And it can just continue to grow. There's no ceiling on the potential for more people to find out about what he's doing online.

Louie? Yeah. Oh, he's, I mean, he's. It's very interesting. He's like you, you know, he's been good for comedy? Yeah. Oh, he's, I mean, he's very interesting. He's, he's like you, you know, he's been good for comedy. Yeah. He's been good for comedy. Cause you know, he helped me a lot with the design of the place. No. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I took a couple of pieces of advice from him. It's very good advice in the smaller room. The stage was too large. He's like,

why is the stage so big? I'm like, why is, why is the stage so big? He goes, I think the stage should be about four feet shorter on each side. And I was like, we could do that. Okay. And he's like, in the ceiling,

can you make it lower? And I'm like, yeah, we can make it lower. It was already low. It's a great fucking room. How low is that ceiling? It's pretty fucking low.

It feels good. Doesn't it feel, you're like intimate. It's boxed in with those folks. It reminds you of the old school New York days where you could put your hand on the ceiling. Yeah, those kind of clubs.

So he had that. That was his suggestion there, to make the stage smaller in the little room and make the ceiling even lower. So we did that. And then in the next room, the ceiling, we lowered the ceiling. That was his other suggestion too. And then he had some good suggestions about soundproofing because i think a lot of comedians they'd like the sound of the echo because it makes loud laughs louder but it also makes it more difficult to people to understand

uh what you're saying it's harder because it's like echoey like in the vulcan it was a little echoey it was great when you were killing, right? Because the laughs were so loud. Yeah. But some parts of the room, when you're getting like sound bouncing off of a bunch of shit, you miss subtle things. You miss certain things. Yeah. So he was like, you know, you got to make sure that everything's like soft and the sound is like, everything's soundproofed.

We did that when this last tour we were doing arenas and I upgraded my package to have like a, like a legit lighting package and legit sound brought in and it changed those arenas. It's a game changer. Like this, I remember saying as the first person that did it, I go,

you're going to fall in love with the sound of this. It's not just your setup and arena and it's whatever sound they have. It's, it's like, it's, it's like they do this whole presentation before to dial in the exact sound points. And it sounds like you're in a comedy club. So is this worth it to you to do

because you're doing so many shows? So it's easy, just they come with you, they travel with you? Yeah, I pay 1.7. No, I like this, I like this. I like the insides of baseball, yeah. Pay 1.7 for a lighting package and a team. And so it comes with like a – it's an all-over budget,

and you bring your own stage with you. I told Shane and Mark we did whatever the arena in Tempe for the Super Bowl. We did four shows. And I said – and I paid extra to bring the sound package out. I wanted them to experience it. Shane Gillis was the person I told him I said you're gonna because he was nervous about doing arenas cuz he had done arenas and they sound echoey I said wait, do you hear my sound package? Where do you see my pack like my lighting package all of it?

You're gonna really love it because I paid extra for it I want the show to feel I want you to if you're paying to see me in arena I want you to know that I am appreciative of that dollar and I'm gonna put money back into the show I'm not gonna do some cash grab and Cut to birds doing show by candlelight Louie said that I would like to do that and so yeah dope that would be Candlelight show that would be trust the audience with candles We're like that anybody could just buy a lighter? It's kind of crazy how few fires there really are. People are so stupid. I think about that all the time. I think about that,

how few car accidents there are. People are so goofy. It's kind of amazing that most days you don't see fires. Look at this lighting package. Wow, dude. That's pretty amazing. Oh, you should see me walk out on stage, man. Look at you. I paid extra money so that my entrance has a little bit of sparkle, a little bit of razzle-dazzle to it. A little bit of razzle-dazzle. A little bit of razzle-dazzle. And I think it pays off. I think as an audience member, you appreciate it.

For sure. And I think, but you're right when the sound is so important. Sound to everything. So for this club, we made, everything's dialed in. My only note. Please. If you're going to have Joey Diaz's weed around, you've got to take that clock off the little boy. I was on stage last night.

I got high with you right before I went on stage on the late show. I never get high before I go on stage. I have, but I don't usually because I'm afraid of like. Rightly so. And I was riffing and fucking rolling. And I was like, nice. And I looked up and the clock was at four minutes. And I went, I've only done four minutes.

How long did you think you were on for? I thought I was on for 30 minutes. Oh, my God. And I was like, oh, we need to move that clock. And then I said, I've only done four minutes. How long did you think you were on for? I thought I was on for 30 minutes. Oh, my God. And I was like, oh, we need to move that clock. And then I said, I kept messing around. And I looked, and it was four minutes and 40 seconds. And I was like, oh, God, someone needs to close the clock. So you started freaking out thinking about it.

Because I was like, because you know how sometimes you get high, time goes a little slower. And I was like, oh, my God, I'm in my head. And then I just, I knew Leanne was in the room I knew I could like fuck with her if I needed to like and I could get myself out of anything right and I was like just enjoy this enjoy this let your brain think weird let your brain think weird and talk weird and and and I saw the chick in the front row had a weird purse that the same person next to him had. And I went, oh, their phones are locked up.

I can say whatever the fuck I want. Oh, you didn't know? I didn't know. And I fucking started going like, and I had last night, my second show was one of the best shows I've had, definitely in 2023, without a doubt. And I would argue, other than when I did The Other Room, which was a fucking really magic show. That was a fucking magic show. That might have been the best time I've ever had on stage last night. I've fixed two jokes I've always wanted to tell.

Always wanted to tell. Watching a dude get struck by lightning and beating any Asian in a foot race. I did both those jokes, and they worked, and I walked out, and I was like, God damn it. That room's special. I did both those jokes and they worked and I walked out and I was like god damn it, that room's special. I'm back Monday to do Tommy, we're doing Two Bears Monday and Tuesday. And I was in the shower and I was like, I want to do Little Boy again.

If they're open Monday, I want to do Little Boy. That was a fun fucking room. It's a fun fucking room. Monday is an open mic night. Yeah, we can figure out anything. There's a weird vibe of the place. The place has a vibe because there's so many like-minded people that are in there that are really just trying to get better at comedy. And there's so many of them.

It's like there's a vibe in the building. And the audience is so appreciative, they're real comedy fans oh dude, the guy last night it's incredible, I said I'm back Monday and this dude just goes Texas loves you Burt and you're like, oh man

that's what you want to hear in life why wouldn't you want to hear that Texas loves you Burt let's wrap this bitch up. I love you, buddy. The Machine. I love you, too. Congratulations.

I know it's going to be the number one movie in America, or we're all communists. From your mouth to God's ears. Literally. Literally. Okay. Anything else? That's it. BertBertBert.com, or is it BertKreischer.com?

BertBertBert.com. Buy tickets to go see The Machine this weekend. Go buy. I love you with all my heart. Go. Go see it. Bye, everybody. Burr, burr, burr.com. Buy tickets to go see the Michi in this weekend. Go buy. I love you with all my heart. Go. Go see it. Bye, everybody.