The Joe Rogan Experience - #1991 - Protect Our Parks 8

Episode Date: May 26, 2023

Shane Gillis, Mark Normand, and Ari Shaffir are stand-up comics, writers, and podcasters. Shane is the co-host of "Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast" with Matt McCusker. His special, "Shane Gillis: Live in Austin," is available via YouTube, and season two of "Gilly and Keeves," his sketch comedy series with John McKeever, is available now at www.gillyandkeeves.tv.www.shanemgillis.comMark is the co-host of the podcasts "Tuesdays with Stories" with Joe List and "We Might Be Drunk" with Sam Morril. His latest special, "Mark Normand: Out to Lunch," is available via YouTube. Buy tickets for Mark's new tour ‘Ya Don’t Say’ on his website.www.marknormandcomedy.comAri is the host of "The Skeptic Tank" and "You Be Trippin'" podcasts. His latest special, "Ari Shaffir: Jew," is available now via YouTube.www.arishaffir.com

The Joe Rogan Experience. Joey Diaz, laughing gas weed. Oh, my God, dude. You both pussied out. You called him a pussy, and then you passed out. Yeah, I was joking. I was never going to smoke that. He's a bear. I'll be out of the table. You smoking, you coward? I was already smoking it. You can't bully me when I'm already doing it.

He's bullying, and he's not doing it. He bullied him, and he didn't do it. Shane is the king of that. Here's my only impression of Shane. You won't. Yeah, you won't do that Whatever's brought up You won't

You have my favorite Childish humor It's so fun And it works too It's very fun Grab your friends You go Yeah

Do that dude It's very fun You're not gonna do that He's dumb Give me that shit I'll do it right now I'll cut myself Well he's jet lagged

He came from another country I can't believe you're doing this He had a day to rest Yeah I had a Athens Fucking Give me that shit. I'll do it right now. I'll cut myself. Well, he's jet lagged. He came from another country. I can't believe you're doing this. He had a day to rest. Yeah, I had Athens, fucking five hours. Did you go see the Acropolis? I did. Wow, shit, huh?

It's so cool. What's Acropolis? It's like a bunch of fucking rubble. Oh. Yeah, it's just a pool. The Acropolis is the base. The Parthenon is the building, correct? Yes.

Dude, I tell you, I looked up that a bunch of times when I was there, and I still don't know. Nobody knows. Yeah. No idea. Yeah, the Acropolis is the building. The Parthenon is what it's built on. Oh, interesting. The Greeks were gay.

Greeks were gay. Okay, the Acropolis of Athens is an ancient citadel located on a rocky outcrop. Wait a minute, which one is the Acropolis and which one is the Parthenon? I think that... Oh, yeah, I don't know. I think the Acropolis is the building and the Parthenon is what it's built on. The most famous being the Parthenon. The Acropolis is, I think, the entire thing and the Parthenon is one of the buildings as a part of it. But what's the structure that it sits on?

What's the Parthenon? Yeah, Google that. I'm pretty sure the Par... One of them of the buildings. Yeah. But what's the structure that it sits on? What's the Parthenon? Yeah, Google that. I'm pretty sure the Par... One of them... That's that one. Okay. That's under construction now. So the Parthenon is the building,

the Acropolis... Build it back up. They realize it wasn't finished. There's scaffolding everywhere. Wow. The roof fell off. How about that stamos? The centerpiece.

The fixer-upper, for sure. So, okay. The Parthenon's a former temple of the Athenian necropolis, Greece, that was dedicated to the goddess Athena during the 5th century BC. Aha. All those people were tripping balls, you know. Goddess of beauty. Yeah, there's a great book on it. The Immortality Key by this guy Brian Marorescu.

It actually opened up a field of study at Harvard. This guy wrote a book about how they did, they always suspected that their wine was laced with something, but then they got definitive proof because they found old vessels, and they tested these vessels, and they found ergot in them, which is a fungus that has LSD-like effects. Wow. So they made up that they were gods? Dude, that must have fucked them up.

That's where they came up with everything. That's where they came up with everything That's what they came up with democracy. They came up with so much from tripping balls They had this make sense like he hit this rock and it became a spring and then balls to fight him He hit a rock it became a story all those old people were tripping balls And what they were doing was hiding it from the Romans and they had to move away like they Started going into other countries when they got kicked out of Greece They moved the illusinian Mysteries all over the world.

The what mysteries? Eleusis. Eleusinian Mysteries. All the zoo stuff? All the fucking, all the trip ball stuff. People like scholars from all over the world would go there and participate in these rituals.

And they would just trip their fucking brains out and figure things out. How about those grape leaves? I don't think that had anything to do with it. Nah. That's Greek. Those are just leaves. Yeah. They're not great.

They're not great. Overrated. Ray overrated. Really? You got to dip them into tzatziki to make them edible. They're pretty bland. Yeah, they got the same food as Middle Eastern. A lot of pita, kebab, hummus.

Yeah. Fucking delicious. Or as David Tell calls it, terrorist peanut butter. His joke. Yeah. So did you have fun? Oh, it was a blast. Did you have a good time?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Athens is a cool city. Did you get away from the tourist area? I did get to walk and hike. Yeah, it's a big national park in the middle. It's like Central Park. You walk through it at night. Yeah, a park's a park, though.

Looking for rapists, what? Do you like to hike? What? There's another roll-up. Did you protect those parks in Athens? People have asked me about the parks. Yeah, everyone you try to protect goes away. I saw one somewhere, like, have you protected any parks lately?

And I was like, no, I've only failed in protecting any parks Well you only tried one Yeah utter failure But sometimes it's your first time trying to protect a park True Why do you like parks Your third joyous place He's a city dork

It's the only nature he gets They stink I took my nephew to a park I just looked like a fucking pedophile The whole time He was in one of the Little tiny parks Yeah With a swing set

Yeah I just took him to a park I was just yelling at him You're not allowed to go Without a kid Yeah a lot of these places Right Yeah that's weird

Going to a park And just watching kids Boy I love watching kids Interact Yeah You can't You can't So innocent

You have to go with your own kid Dog parks You can't enjoy Dog parks You can't go in without a dog. Is that right? You probably can. No. They won't stop you, but the rule is you can't go in without a dog.

Oh, really? Is that the rule? Yeah. Is it written? Yeah. So it's written. So it's told. It is written.

That's the only way I know it. My niece's nephews are black, and my dad took him to the park by himself. My niece's nephews are black, and my dad took them to the park by himself. My niece was on the swings, and she was like, slap me, Pappy. Slap it. He was down there pushing her ass. Pretty funny, right? People were looking at it like, what the fuck is going on here?

Slap me, Pappy. Yeah, she's like, slap it, Pappy. He's like, Jesus Christ. I can see there's a playground outside my apartment, and mom was on her phone the whole time pushing this kid on a swing. It killed me. You could so easily steal a kid. I know. They're all so distracted. Now's the time.

Yeah. My friend almost got his kid stolen from a park. What? Yeah. Yeah. He noticed at the last minute that someone was calling his kid towards a truck. Brian Laundrie. And he stopped it.

He ran out and stopped it, but I think he was just not paying attention for a brief. Brian Laundrie. And he stopped it. He ran out and stopped it. But I think he was just not paying attention for a brief period of time. Whoa. And somebody tried to steal his kid. I got a hit on by a pedophile as a youth. The thing is, it does happen. It does happen. I mean, it sounds so insane.

Yeah. No, it has. It actually does happen. People steal children. Because that kid will forget. Which might be crazy enough to work. Exactly. That kid will forget.

Jesus Christ, what a horrible thought. Remember milk carton kids? Yeah. That was a big thing. Big thing. I think a lot of them are stolen by the parent. What? That's almost all the stats of abducted kids are just the dad.

I want some visitation rights. People use their kids as leverage to get back at the spouse. Yikes. The husband and the wife get divorced, and the wife won't let the husband see the kid and he yells at her i want my kids and you won't let that in the house with her oh boy that would be nice getting so like hammered just going to your ex-wife's house there's a horrible video of a guy getting shot doing that. Oh, really? What? He goes to the house where his kid lives, and there's a guy there, and the guy and the wife are there, and he's yelling, and the guy's getting, get off my fucking property,

and the guy's a big guy, and he gets in his face, and the guy goes and gets an AR, and they struggle with the AR. Wait, they fought? They struggle with the gun briefly, and then the guy lights him up. That's a good dad. And he lights him up in front of the guy's mom, who's also there. Wait, who shot who? The biological father got shot by the stepdad?

Yes, the stepdad. Ooh, that's it. He got cucked. Stepdad, who's a smaller guy. The biological dad's a big guy. Why would you get close enough with an AR for some other guy to grab it? I think he was just trying to threaten him. If he pulled out a gun, the guy would be like, that's it.

Okay, you got a gun. I'm going to leave now. But this guy was an idiot. I've seen quite a few of those people. People get nutty, and they don't understand risk, and they don't understand danger, even just with fights. When they get in people's face, yeah, man, fuck you. Well, fuck you.

Yeah, do something, man. You literally don't know how to fight, and you're about to engage in one of the most dangerous things that people can do other than using weapons yeah happens all the time but i've i saw a video the other day this guy they're in front of like a truck and this guy's yelling this guy come on pussy fight like a man he takes his shirt off the guy just shoots him oh i didn't see that one i saw holy shit shoots him the guy's got a gun. The guy's got a gun out. The guy's got a gun out, and he's like, stop. And the guy's like, come on, pussy.

He takes his shirt off while the guy has a gun out. He's the machine. And he comes towards him, and he just, boom. Nope. Wow. The guy goes down screaming. Guy died. That's right.

Yeah. What happened? Indiana Jones. He was like, enough. Oh, Indiana Jones. Yeah. What did he have, a whip or something? No, he had like a sword.

Yeah, yeah. He had a sword. You know, that was like a supposedly like, wasn't supposed to happen. Ad-lib. It was like an ad-lib. Yeah. Oh. He was high all the time.

Harrison Ford, he gets high all the time. Was he? No. Rips him. I don't know about then, but now he's just high all day. He seems depressed. I think when you get older, that's the move. Yeah.

He still nails it. You can't control this world. He knows what he does. It's so out of control and it's so not what you grew up with. You're like, what? what's the kids these days? What's happening? You're changing genders. Just get high.

Just get high and just go through life spaced out. Indiana Stoned. Oh, there we go. His alternative pastime. His wife is hideous. Hey, how dare you? That's not his wife. That's Chewbacca, you son of a bitch.

Jesus Christ. He's got that gay earring, too, still. So he's a lifelong stoner? That's right. You ever see Scrape take that kid? Steal that kid? Scrape? This guy Scrape, they shot a video.

They just distracted someone and grabbed their kid. And they go, no, no, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. They get the kid back. It was great. It was so funny. Jesus Christ. What was funny?

What? What was funny? That they stole the kid. And the boys are freaking out and they're like I'm kidding Ari always wanted to be stolen yeah I definitely went you in like a Christian family called Jewish oh give her a mess you're talking about his cult life yeah Jehovah yeah it's why it's a lot it's so well it explains a lot how you won't tolerate any bullshit right

that he's the best He'll call me sometimes like what about this? Able what about it? I'm like oh, all right. Let's go. He knows I know enough He will ran you send a text to massacre be prepared for 17 straight. Oh, yeah Yeah, yeah, but like anytime. There's some fucking fuckery some Shenanigans with words some weird thing they're trying to pull on you Metzger gets furious because he grew up in a cult So he's like I know what the fuck this is yeah, I know you do. Oh yeah, I can't notice this I can't pay attention to this if I talk about this. I'm a bad guy. That's his joke

He goes they told you you can't masturbate. Do you know what happened to you if you don't masturbate? No one does because everyone masturbates including the people who told us you can't masturbate No one does because everyone masturbates, including the people who told us you can't masturbate. I just watched a cult documentary. That Korean guy, you see that one? No. Jamie, you see that one?

It's like in the name of the Holy Father or something. Pull it up. It's pretty great, dude. This Korean dude just started a cult, but one of his things was he made everybody south. Watch him. He would play soccer in the cult, and he would score like 70 goals. He said he was God.

He would fight, fuck everybody. Oh, God. Of course he fucked everybody. It always goes to fucking. And they always fall for it. Every time. No, I'm talking everybody. Dude, my favorite cult movie is the movie about the building I bought.

Holy hell. It's a fucking amazing cult documentary. What? It's so crazy. Who, huh? Do you know the story? No. The building that I bought originally for the mothership was a place called the one world theater

And that one world theater was built by a cult so that their leader could dance in front of them Literally they put on these performances. They documented it all this guy filmed everything Wow this this crazy Dude, who is a gay porn star? Okay? He's okay? He was a but that's his older gay. He's so gay. Oh, he's cute. That's his older self. When he was young. He's already getting old then. If you see the videos of him when he was young, he was a beautiful man. He was this really gorgeous, like ripped yoga instructor.

And he started this cult in West Hollywood called the Buddha Field. And then they moved it out to Austin. They're all praying. Let me see the penises Lady get close like you'd be lower so I can bud light commercial He had all these boys with him and he fucked all of them. He's not gay. He's gay He was a gay porn star, but he had girls in there too. I think girls is how he got straight guys to come to the cult. Smart.

Because he fucked all the straight guys. Ladies night. Were you convinced of him? No, he was. You should watch the documentary. He was a hypnotist. He was a hypnotist. So he gave them therapy and then he'd fuck them.

And he charged them for the therapy. Whoa. Charged them 50 bucks. And he owned the mothership. No, he owned the One World Theater. I see. It was like the people that I was buying it from were people that used to be in the cult. Got it.

And now they owned it. But that was the original location for it. Yeah. That's nuts. That's wild. I love it. I was watching that Korean guy, and I was like, this guy, fuck it. He had 900 women as cheerleaders.

The stadium would be packed, and he'd score 80 goals. That's funny. And people were like, we got to arrest this son of a bitch. I was like, dude, this guy is dominating. He rules. He rules. Did they kill him? Did you see the guy in Australia?

They caught him. No, hold on. They capture him in the end. He's in a tent with two girls. And they live camera. They're like, what are you doing back here? He's got a boner. And he's like, stay out.

Get out of here. That's how they got him? Yeah, they got him with a boner. Boy, it goes from 90 goals scoring to being a tent with two girls the last cragglers the last ones Yeah, it was tough Still still wetting three-way in a tent yeah sweaty pretty awesome. Yeah, would you dominate it? That's an MVP performance dude? You gotta see his soccer It would line up like 15 people in the goal. He'd be like, I can still score on them. They would all get out of the way.

Isn't it wild that everybody knows about cults, but yet people can still form cults and get people to join them? I want to go in for a week and just see if they'd get me. Knowing, to any cult, just knowing. I'm like, I know what this is, but let me see if they'd get me. You escaped Judaism. Cut to you getting fucked in the ass. Like two days later, it happened quick if they get me. You escaped Judaism. Cut to you getting fucked in the ass. Like, two days later.

It happened quick, man. They made some good points. You were, like, a serious Orthodox Jew. If you got out of that. That's a cult. Which is, like, a respected cult. It's a respected one, yeah. Cult 45.

I got up. I was in for a while. I might get out of this, too. Indianapolis cult? They hit you with a low protein diet? Well, that's the question of when does it become a cult? Is Christianity a cult? Is Catholicism a cult?

Oh, they're all cults. What makes a cult versus religion? You're not watching some Korean guy fuck everybody and score 70 cults. George Washington Priest fucked a lot of boys. But that's why they didn't last. They went too hard. Tell that to the Catholics. That's what I'm saying. That's a good cult.

They figured it out. Good marketing. They figured out how to make the Vatican a country. It's the wildest shit ever. A hundred acre. It's like Disney. You got a hundred acre country in the middle of your city. It's very nice. There's a difference between a cult and a religion.

There's a difference between a town and a city. Well, the cult is the people that can't keep it together and the guy fucks everyone's wife. The religions, they just... Well, how many preachers are banging people's wives? So many. A lot. We had a guy in a community who said the girls

had to do a ritual bath to get clean. He fucking peeped a hole and videotaped them. There's a ritual bath? Yeah, there's a ritual bath. get clean. He fucking peeped a hole and videotaped him. There's a ritual bath? Yeah, there's a ritual bath. To get clean? Oh, my God. To get cleansed. Yikes. That was the part I was skipping over.

Those New York Jews got to take a couple more ritual baths, dude. They're slacking, dude. They don't wash their clothes. Do you think Joel Osteen's fucking mom's? Ooh, good question. I bet he is. Because you know he could. So knowing he could and is cuz you know we could so knowing he could and knowing what you know about men but he might be gay but the amount

of women that must throw themselves at him he's a superstar and he's a man of God there any hotter sex than religious sex father really hot believer ooh but if you can't get her off, that's pretty, well, a letdown. No, it's like you sinned. God, you sinned. That's why you didn't get off. Smart. God would have let you. He puts it on you.

What have you done wrong this week? Todd doesn't let me eat pussy. I'm on a strict diet this week. And you stink. There's something about a crazy hot believer. You both believe in the same nonsense. She's crazy hot, and you're just like, Jesus wants me to suck your cock.

So hot. I agree with Jesus. Jesus told you that? I can't argue with Jesus. You talk to God? Yeah. God's given me an exception. Imagine God just tests you with an exception.

Wow. Going to put it in God's hole. That's what we used to do in Catholic school, the old anal. God's hole, yeah. Doesn't count. Yeah. Going to put it in God's hole. That's what we used to do in Catholic school, the old anal. God's hole, yeah. Doesn't count. Yeah. Those Catholic gals. That is so wild that someone found that fucking workaround.

The wildest was the Mormons. It was just guys trying to fuck Catholic chicks. Catholic chicks trying to get fucked. This has got to be something we can work out here. Anal. The Mormons are the docking. That's the best one. Soaking.

Stick it in, soak it, then leave it in. Docking is way better. Docking is foreskin. We lock foreskin. I wonder who gets to choose who's the top foreskin. Because that's like the alpha. Good question. You should rock, paper, scissors for that.

Yeah. Sword fight. I'd rather be the little. Sword fight. I'd rather be the small spoon. You'd rather be inside. It feels better. Oh, you want to be inside.

Yeah, it would feel better. It's more dominant to have your skin around it. It is more dominant. It is dominant, sure. I'm talking strictly the feel. But it's also so ridiculous. Like, go ahead, do that, you fucking world. Then you just stand and stare at each other.

Should I bring that up, please? What are you doing, bro? Yeah, it's fucking. No, no, no, I'm fucking your dick. You're not wrapping your dick around my dick. No, I'm sucking in your dick. No, no, no, I'm fucking your dick. Oh, I don't know, bro. No, no, no. I'm fucking your dick. You're not wrapping your dick around my dick. No, I'm sucking in your dick. No, no, no. I'm fucking your dick. Oh, I don't know, man.

I think I'm sucking in your dick. You might be sucking my dick, but I'm fucking your dick. I'm definitely sucking your dick. Well, it's like when I fuck your mouth. You might be sucking my dick, but I'm fucking your mouth. Jesus Christ. Get that clip.

The worst part about docking is you've got to be face to face. Face to face is great. You're like an inch away from me. The best part. Yeah. You go like this. Dan Henderson,

you know Dan Henderson, fucking one of the elite MMA fighters of all time. He was at my show in New York City once. He likes docking? This hacker was talking and I said to the hacker,

hey, if you don't shut the fuck up, I'm going to have Dan Henderson hold you down and fuck your girl right in front of you. And Dan Henderson goes, why would I hold him down when I could just stare him down? Damn! I remember that. It was nuts.

You remember that? It was nuts. There was like a chill in the room. Jesus. Like, oh, you could. It was so real. Wow. If a guy took one step forward, like, hey, stop fucking my wife.

He's like, ugh. Okay. Fucker. Dan Henderson was a fucking animal. Just the fact that he could come up with that on the fly. Yeah. Things like that. He said that before.

Why would I hold him down when I could just stare him down? That's terrifying. The wife is like, all right, let's do this. It was a joke, bro. It was the heck of leaving that bed. He was out of control. He was out of control. The guy was out of control. His wife was out of control., let's do this. It was a joke, bro. Was the heckler even that bad? He was out of control. He was out of control. The guy was out of control.

His wife was out of control. They were both out of control. Carolines, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rest in peace. Wow, Carolines. Rest in peace. You get some rough hecklers in there.

I think a brawl broke out that night or maybe the next day. They were throwing chairs. Yeah, I think it was the next day. Throwing chairs. Yeah, like a full brawl. Fucking waffle house. Bro, how many shows have we done together? A whole bunch.

Fucking thousands. Yeah, thousands. We've done. Bro, how many shows have we done together? A whole bunch. Fucking thousands. Yeah, thousands. We've done so many shows together all over the fucking country, all over the world. Those shows were right after Baby Bird. That's right. And we went there. Stern Complained. Stern Complained got it taken down off YouTube.

What? Yeah. Stern Complained? Yeah, and then I remember one of those- Wait a minute. Howard? Not Stern, but their group was like, take that shit down. Because they didn't want them succeeding. And then they were like one of those go wait a minute one of the stern But like their group was like take that shit down because they didn't want them succeeding and then they were like this happens all the time We'll just have to file the thing that will get put back up. What was so they were saying that it was offensive

That's how they get it taken. I'm mad. Maybe they were the one they were like no We're the edgy we should say that it was we know that's true We need to find out because that's like such a fucking egregious evil thing to do if you're in that business Yeah, like say something's offensive. Or like saying Don Imus went too far. Yeah. He got fucked. That guy sucked.

Yeah. He would be like, I'm the offensive one, no one else. Yeah. Well, when he silenced Opie and Anthony, he wouldn't let them talk shit about him. Yeah. Well, he was talking shit about them. Wild. Yeah.

He was like, I'll use any tool against my enemies. Don't you stand for anything, though? Yeah. You're a fucking radio Wild. Yeah. It's like, I'll use any tool against my enemies. Don't you stand for anything, though? Yeah, you... You're a fucking radio guy? Yeah. I think that guy was alone...

I think that guy was alone on the front line for so long. Imagine if you're... It's World War II and it's just you against the Japanese

and you're on this fucking island just killing people every day for like a decade and a half and then new people come up and they're like why should you have my back i fuck you where were you i needed you yeah this is my fight true i heard people had to avert their eyes when you came in i don't think

that's probably true not true but don see i think that's the elevator i think that is people that work for handlers saying that tell him don't look at him, don't talk to him. Yeah, maybe it's that. And so he probably doesn't even know that they're doing that. I know that happens with some stars. I know that happens. Damn. Yeah.

J-Lo. It's weird. We did a commercial, me and Renzi's did a commercial with Tiger Woods. They're like, don't curse around him. This is before all the scandals. Like, don't curse around him. Don't do anything.

I was like, okay. And he comes in, he goes, you guys ready to do this shit? And we're like, wait, what did you just tell us not to be dirty? He was like, just handlers It was like just handlers. They're just handlers. Just weird people.

There's weird people that get a kick out of having power over the star. Yeah. Like they have power to access. Like you can't have access to the star. You can't get close to them. Weird people at clubs do that. Yes. It's weird.

That happened to me. I did a club in Erie, Pennsylvania. Yes. And the guy goes, you better be clean. You better be squeaky clean, TV clean. I was like, oh, shit. I did a club in Erie, Pennsylvania. And the guy goes, you better be clean. You better be squeaky clean, TV clean. I was like, oh, shit. I was three years in. And then the host goes up, who told me that.

And he's like, so I was fucking my wife in the ass. I jizzed in her daughter's hair. And I'm like, what the hell? Then I went up and I was like, so, cereal's weird. And they're like, ooh, ooh, get the host back up. Cereal's weird. Trying to run a new hour on the fly. Oh my God.

He's taking all the fucks out, the jizz out. Those were the worst gigs when you had to work clean. You've got 20 minutes to work clean, so you're stretching out your pits. You're like, oh, this is a clean bet. And then halfway in, you're like, oh, it does go to anal. In the end. Damn, fuck. It does go to anal.

And you're like, how can I re-aim this? I never had to do one. Clean? A clean show? I don't think ever. It's tough. Like I said, no every single time. That's great.

They just don't exist anymore. They don't. They're stupid. I never had to do late night or anything, honestly. When I was coming up, it was like, do you want money or not? Yeah. Do you want food or not? Yeah.

It's like, if you want to get that hundred bucks, you got to go do that clean show. Oh yeah. Yeah. That's a good exercise. To think about the language for the first time in your life or in a decade of like,

wait, is this dirty? Well, it wasn't a decade for me, but it was, you know, early days of standup, like I was 20.

And the thing is, back then, they really wanted standup to be clean. Like, everybody wanted you to work clean because that's how you got on The Tonight Show. Yeah. Right. You know, once Stephen Wright got on The Tonight Show out of Boston, it kind of, like, changed how everybody thought about comedy.

Everybody was like, you're going to get on The Tonight Show now. Like, you got to work clean. If you want to make it, you got to work clean. I remember there's a bunch of guys who were just in town who were telling me, if you want to work, you got to work clean. Like, you're just here. Yeah. We were talking about it last night. That still exists. There's still people

that are like, I got to get my stuff together for a late night spot. It's like, dude, what? Late night's over. It's kind of a fun thing to do. No, don't get me wrong. It would be cool to do, but I'm saying there's guys that are like, here's my way out. Right. It doesn't launch anybody anymore.

Isn't that crazy like it's worthless like if you have a set on tonight show how many more tickets six yeah nothing yeah it was cool seinfeld seinfeld did one like six seven years ago it was cool to see him put together a late night set norms norms at the end of letterman unreal at the that was great yeah what do you think you are mars norm was a master a master. He was a master. He was so pure. Oh, he teared up at the end of that? That gets me. That gets me every time. Brutal.

Yeah. Whatever happened to that guy? Oh, fuck. I forgot he vanished. Bummer. What a gangster way to go out. I didn't even know he was sick. Gangster way to go out.

Not telling anybody. Blame it all on Adam Egan. I know. None of his best friends knew. Dude, his biography, the book he wrote is just trash is Adam Egan. It's great. Does it? 200 pages.

He calls him a Holocaust denier. He's not Jewish. Doesn't mean you can't be a denier. He's under an overpass blowing people. Makes it worse. That's hilarious. That's what Adam's known for. People see him and are like, are you blowing guys under the bridge?

That's a fucked up aspect of people. You will have some white people who hate white people. You will have some Jews who hate Jews. You will have some Jews who want to join the Nazi party. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. You will have some black people who hate black people. You will have people that will go against their people to be in with the other. You will have Jews that will join the Nazis.

Are you excusing Egan's behavior? No. He's a Jew. It's a strange thing. To be a traitor like that. There's a compelling desire to join the enemy. It's very weird. What if you hate yourself? I think that has a lot to do with it.

There's always been people that have joined the enemy during times of war. Really? Benedict Arnold. Yeah. Although I heard Benedict Arnold got set up. Really? Yeah.

I heard Benedict Arnold, it was really another guy. Shane knows about this. I don't know if that's true. I know he knows. What happened with Benedict Arnold? Shane should know. I just know he- He's a traitor.

He rushed out of West Point while George was there. Traitor goes. George Hamilton, they all chased out. I'm sure there was something there. But it may be his family that wrote that, you know? It was like him and his wife escaped. He'd go to the British. He was a hero, though.

Yeah. He was a hero. He was the captain of the Ford at West Point. And, yeah, slipped out. They said that was the only time they saw George Washington crying. Whoa. When he left? Yeah.

Maybe it was because of pussy. Maybe he was really hot redhead. He was with his wife. Yeah. Wouldn't she? She was like, you got to get out of here, baby. Snuck out in the middle of the night. Yeah.

Like a bitch, dude. And then where'd he go? Just straight to the Brits? There was ships out in the harbor. He just went out and joined the British. He snowed? He said, here's how you take the fort. Whoa! He told them everything. He had to get in.

That's the way to get in. Was his wife British? I'm not sure. Probably, dirty bitch. Disgusting bitch. Those hot Russian broads come over here and trick CIA guys. Trick our fucking beautiful president, Donald Trump. They trick them all. They trick everybody.

That was the spy way If you're a If you're a fucking Guy in the government And you meet a hot Russian lady You're like God damn it I'm fucked

It's like meeting a shark When you're in the ocean Right It's over There's nothing else I just look good Oh she's just a ballerina Nothing weird about this

She just plays violin And she likes me Nothing strange About how she likes me And I'm disgusting Who's the politician That was fucking the Chinese spy It's the worst thing

Yeah, hey, you know that chicken fucking oh, please don't tell me my wife and I was like no way worse worse She's a Chinese spy and you opened up I'm just thinking about being like, oh, fuck. Imagine that job. Thinking about everything you told her. But my wife does not know, though. Suspected Chinese spy reportedly slept with courted U.S. officials to gain intel. Wow. How many officials?

More than one? She's banging a bunch of guys. So she's really just a glorified prostitute. Governed by Fang Fang. You're like a helpful prostitute. What was her name? Her name's Fang Fang. No way.

There's nothing funny about that. Her name was Fang. Oh, it is Fang Fang. Wow was her name? Her name's Fang Fang. No way. There's nothing funny about that. Her name was Fang. Oh, it is Fang Fang. Wow. A.K.A. Christina Fang. Entered the U.S. through California as a college student in 2011. Spent the next four years wooing everyone from local politicals to U.S. congressmen. It's a prostitute.

Wow. Who travels. Among the polls, Fang got close to his California Democrat, Eric Swalwell. She also once helped raise funds for Tulsi Gabbard. Uh oh. She was helpful along the way? You think she fucked Tulsi Gabbard? I don't think so. She probably was doing... I hope so.

I think if you're gonna... She at least was like threw it out there. Test the waters. Hey Gabby, Fang Fang. And someone being like, dude, you're a chick. He's like, fucking Fang Fang? Fang Fang. No, no, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. She had sex with an Ohio mayor in a car.

An incident caught on FBI electronic surveillance. Which gal is it? That's her right there? Kiss, kiss, Fang Fang. She's not bad. She's not great. I'll be honest. It's not bad.

That's probably how you get by. You get by by being regular. Can't be too high. She looks regular, yep. What a stupid fucking spy to just fuck a mayor in Ohio. We got a lot of information out of this guy. He's the mayor of fucking Cleveland.

The mayor of Cleveland knows that the FBI is going to be in town because of this. She's setting back Morse code like the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is expanding. But also,

they're changing the name to the Guardians. The Cure is winning. But also she's a human being. And even though she's working as a spy, maybe she just wanted to fuck the mayor in a car. Human being? She's Asian. Unrelated you're saying. She was like, hey, I'm

trying a bigger thing, but this guy's cool. Yeah, she wants to fuck him. It can't be all of her sex can't be for Intel. I don't know. That's hot Intel puss. Another U.S. mayor described as older and from obscure city in Midwest called Fang his girlfriend at a conference in Washington, D.C. in 2014. Oh. Damn. Fang Bang.

She's sucking the mayor of Sioux City. The besotted mayor insisted the pair's relationship was the real deal, despite their age differences. Oh, she's fucking old, guys. This doesn't work for guys. A guy can't be a spy that fucks all the female. She allegedly worked at the direction of Chinese ultra-secret Ministry of State Security Spy Agency. Oxymoron. Huh.

Hmm, interesting. Fang, fang, goddammit. Where is she now, in jail? I don't know. Where is she? Dude. She got traded for Brittany Griner. Nah. Bahang. God damn it. Where is she now? In jail? I don't know. Where is she? She got traded for Brittany Griner. Nah.

Bah! The merchant of head. How crazy is that that they traded a mass murderer who was responsible for thousands of deaths for a basketball player? The crazy thing is they told the Americans who love Brittany Griner, like, hey, guys, you got to keep quiet about this. That's your only way to get her out. You can't make it a big deal. And those people are like, nah, all we do is make big deals out of things.

Yeah. We're fans of the WNBA. There's 10 of us and we're loud as hell. If they didn't make a big deal about it and the government negotiated. She's let out in a week. You think so? Yeah. They're like, eh.

No, I don't think so. Just a weed charge. Do you think it also became a fuck you? Yeah, exactly. Like a public fuck you. Yeah. Because nobody knows about that Marine that's over there. They had the choice of releasing a Marine or a public fuck you. Yeah. Because nobody knows about that Marine that's over there. They had the choice

of releasing a Marine or releasing Brittany Griner. No. Yeah, there was a Marine who was charged with espionage. He's probably a better basketball player. He's definitely a better basketball player. Jamie, can you look up what Brittany's averaging this season to see if it was worth it? They just started.

They just started? How's she doing? She got an 8 in her first game. She got 8 points? I think she got 14. She went to the corner. They're all like Luis Gomez. There's weird videos of her. Dude, you gotta get that video of him faking out Luis Gomez.

He just throws a fake and Luis fully turns around. Pull it up. I'll send it to you, Jamie. She got 27 in her last game. Whoa. That's legit. 28. She got 27?

Legit. 27 points. Oh, wait. There's a big 17, 25, 31. Oh, shit. I take it back, but he's nice. Who's the best player in the WNBA? Oh, shit.

That one guy. Margaret. Sue Bird. Sue Bird. I was going to say, maybe Sue Bird. I don't think so. We don't know. We won't know the name. How come no trans? Yeah, I was just one guy. Margaret. Sue Bird. I guess I was going to say maybe Sue Bird. I don't think so. We don't know. We won't know the name.

How come no trans? How come no trans? Yeah, I was just going to say that. How come no trans? True. Joanna, man. TNBA. How come none of them have tried that out?

Yeah, they would be dunking. You'd be nuts not to. What idiot has not tried? All you'd have to do is be a mediocre male basketball player. Dude, I was a practice player for the women's basketball team in Maryland. We figured it out. I would have been a sixth man. I would be first off the bench.

That's pretty good. Without working out hard. But imagine if you were like a mediocre professional basketball player who couldn't cut it in the NBA anymore. And you just transitioned. Easy. I'll show it to you. Go for it. You'd be a savage.

And they can't stop you. Yeah. No one can stop you anymore. You don't even have to do anything. You don't have to take drugs. You can be retired. Well retired. Mid to late 40s.

It's so strange. But I mean, do it. Who's listening? Do it. Well, the weird thing is they just won the poker tournament. That's not even physical. Who did? A guy.

He identified as a lady and won the poker tournament. Well, that could easily be because men play more poker. There's more men playing poker. Look at this fake. That's a nutty-ass one. Look at this pass from Matt. That kind of worked. He turned all the way around.

Full CTE. That was bad. That's all that boxing training he's been doing. He turned all the way around. He's like, where did that pass go? I don't see the ball. Wow. What? What? He's wearing Jordan's number. Fuck off. A little finish, dude.

Until you dribble, until he hears the dribble, he doesn't know. They fought the entire time. Dude, that was insane. Did they take it seriously? So seriously. Way too seriously.

Me and Matt were on their podcast. They were like, we can beat you in basketball. I was like, I've seen you play basketball. They played each other once, and they can't play. They dribble with their head down. I was like, we suck. Me and Matt suck, but we can beat you. And then they were like, fine, $1,000. We're like, all right, let's play.

We beat them 11, 12-0. And then they won. We got in a fight for a while over that. Did they pay you? They took it so seriously. They just paid. It was like a year and a half. What?

Lewis kept asking me to do the podcast, and I was like, I'm not doing it until you pay me. He's like, I'll fucking pay you right now. I don't give a fuck. Yeah, Venmo, it works. Pay not, Venmo then. How come he didn't pay you immediately? Well, he's Louis. You're supposed to get paid while you pay. At the game. Yeah, exactly.

After the game, it got heated. About what? Everything. You took it too seriously. You went too hard. We should have had Dave. Dave wasn't here. Dave never agreed to go. Me and Louis got in a fight. I was a little out of line. I was a little out of line. He was a little out of line. Louis is great at blowing.

You guys drinking? No. It looked like it. Louis is great at flying off the handle and forgiving you the next day. Yeah. That's his thing? Yeah. And then he's like, whatever.

Me and him fight a lot. Girls like that are a lot of fun, aren't they? Girls like that are fun. Actually, I forgive him. Sometimes you do. They freak out. I go, hey, fucking, you're dumb. Yeah.

You didn't know what you were doing. What makes them fun sometimes makes them problematic. You got that right. You know? Yeah. It's a whole package. My friend Tony always said that. Psychotic and erotic are next door neighbors.

That's not bad. They're right next door to each other. Oh, yeah. So are the butthole and the vagina. Hey. Thank you. Hold on. Don't tell that to Jesus. Damn it.

What are you doing? What? You gotta ring the bell. Takes a second. Jay was so mad that you beat him so bad. Why was he so mad? Well, Jay... Sometimes he can't, he just can't take it. He's competitive. Yeah, but don't play a video game with him. Yep. Oh, is Big Jay a big video gamer?

He's competitive. Don't knock your controller out of your hand. He's competitive. Oh, he gets crazy? Rarely, but when he is. What game are you playing? NBA Jam. More basketball.

He plays basketball video games. He loves basketball. So that was what started the argument. He was like, I'm getting pretty good. Does he actually play basketball? Yeah, he does. They have a court in his apartment. That was in his apartment building. Oh, okay. He was like, I'm getting pretty good. Does he actually play basketball? Yeah, he does. They have a court in his apartment. That was in his apartment building.

Oh, okay. He's competitive. It's a weekly game. Yeah. I wore a chain wallet once. He tackled me. Why? That's his thing.

He wears a chain wallet. That's a joke. His fucking, yeah. I forgot he wore a chain. I used to wear a chain wallet. Yeah, I did too. It's a great way to not lose your wallet. I lost my wallet once in New York City.

I left it in the back of a cab. It was such a fucking pain in the ass. I'd rather lose my wallet. I'd rather lose my wallet. What if you get caught? Why? Put the wallet inside, chain up there. Bro, the best thing is-

It's so corny. It's so corny. It's so corny. Not Jay. These are the best. He doesn't wear it anymore. These are the best. What are those?

It's a little front zip-up wallet for credit cards. That's what I got. That's all you need. Credit cards, driver's license, all that shit. But now you got multiple things here. I want one thing. I got a fanny pack, son. Folder the bills.

That's a fanny pack. I'm aware. Yeah. Don't you bluff me, motherfucker. I wear that. I got the same one Dice has. That's where I learned about this model. Dice had a fanny pack on

I was like look at that fanny pack I'm like that's a fucking beautiful fanny pack It's nice right Where'd you get it? It's like Roots of Canada I'm like oh shit We sell these on higherprimate.com They're legit from Roots

Good band You scared of fanny packs? I don't know why I don't care for them They're very convenient You gotta wear them Over the shoulder That's what people do now

The hipsters That's cowards It's a coward's way You're scared You want the convenience Of a fanny pack But you want it to be A little more awkward to wear

Yep Just so that you Don't look like you're Wearing a fanny pack Yeah Go for it or don't go for it Don't be a coward Wear a fanny pack

Wear it right over your dick There you go Sit right there Keys Aren't you supposed to Put. Wear a fanny pack. Wear it right over your dick. There you go. Sit right there. Right in the front. Keys. Aren't you supposed to put it on your fanny, though? I don't know why they call it a fanny pack. Do you know fanny in English is pussy?

Yeah. No. That's why they call it a fanny pack. I found out because I had a fanny pack. It's a pussy pack. And they were making fun of me. What'd you call it? Yeah.

Oh, no. I'm doing Australia next week. It's called the fanny guy tour. They were like, mate, mate, that's a vagina. I got it's called the fanny guy tour. They were like my my that's a vagina That's so funny They call it a bum bag over there a bum bag Like your butt like fanny pack. Oh, that's the call to bum back I was working the door at the comedy store and somebody you know

They would make jokes and they come in and it's like they're like do you love fags in here? I'm like yes, whatever And then I got turned around, they were just smoking. And I was like, oh, no, 100%. Do you love fags in here? We shouldn't get in there. Not on my watch. If I got a vote, it'd be different.

Tony was there? We do. We do. Someone's saying that, though, that's like willful ignorance. They got to know that that has a different meaning in the United States. They have to know. Because it's such a different meaning. Such a different meaning.

It's not even close. Not only that, everybody knows about that different meaning. Yeah, that's a big one. Yeah. That and the loo. The loo, yeah. And the boot. Yeah.

Yeah. That's all I got on British speak. Lift. Yeah. Lorry. Trunk. Is that an elevator? A lorry, I think, is a truck.

Yeah, a lift. A lift is an elevator. And then a cookie is a cracker. The boot is a weird one. Biscuit. What do they call the front hood? The bonnet. The bonnet of a car?

Yeah, the bonnet and the boot. Whoa. Yeah, the boot is the trunk. I suck, dude. That's what I lost. I suck, dude. That's what I lost. Bonnet. Well, also, we invented the car, so why are you changing the names? Yeah, true.

Oh, good point. Why the fuck are you spelling tire with a Y? Yeah. Drive on the right side, dude. Why you got a Y in it? Why you got a U in color? U in color. Flavor.

Yeah. Maybe they invented the fucking language. No, no, no. There were no tires. I'd say we perfected it. They invented it. We're like, not bad, not bad. And then we ran with it.

They had to go on the other side of the road, too, those dorks. Yeah. They put the steering wheel on the other side of the road. That'll fuck you up. I drove on there. It's hard. Yeah. Didn't Matthew Broderick get in a car accident because of that?

Ran over a kid. No. Fucked him up. He's different now. Who is? Broderick. in a car accident because of that? Ran over a kid. Oh, shit. Fucked him up. He's different now. Who is? Broderick. He'd be a better actor. He was getting hit by Jennifer Grey.

That's the rumor. Is that funny? No way. Pull it up. That's the rumor? Yeah. They were dating, and now they're done. And so there was a kid?

Jennifer Grey? Yeah. Nose job Jennifer Grey? Oh, yeah. Wow. Blow job Jennifer Grey. Bow, bow. She was giving him a job Jennifer gray. Oh, yeah blowjob Little bonnet

Lorraine a bonnet Remember that story that was big news That was a giant story course it was it was. What was his name? Bonnet? No, no, no. He was named as a well-known actor. John Wayne Bobbitt. John Wayne Bobbitt.

That's right. He was a running late night joke for years. Years. Forever. Every comic had a joke about him. We have to have

talked about this. I don't think we talked about Bonnet. Oh, I'm talking about just the idea of just like, you'd never find my dick in that field. No way.

No way. Good for that guy. I don't think it was like, I think she just threw it out the window. I like, you'd never find my dick in that field. No way. No way. Good for that guy. I don't think it was like, I think she just threw it out the window. I know, but mine's gone. I think she probably threw it in a very specific area. While they're driving? If it was just an earbud while you're biking, it's the front on. Yeah.

I don't know what a dick. I don't know what she did. Airplane seat. Well, my dick's gone. We're never getting that. They sewed it back up. You got your phone light out under the seat? You know, my dick's gone. We're never getting that. They sewed it back up. You got your phone light out under the seat. You know, they did the first, I think recently,

they did the first penis transplant. Let's get it going. Let's get it going. But they can't transplant your balls. Good. Who needs them? What happened? She left with it and drove away and threw it out the window.

Left the apartment with a severed appendage and drove away in her car after a length of time driving. That's a pretty good dick if you can find it. And struggling to steer with one hand. Struggling to steer

with one hand. She's a lady. She threw the penis out the window at a roadside field. Why do they have that in there? She eventually stopped and called 911

telling them what had happened. Wow. And where it was. It was found after an exhaustive search and after being washed with antiseptic and packed in saline ice. It was reattached in the hospital. And he did two pornos.

Yeah. I remember the pornos. Really? Like Frank and Penis, I think they called them. No. Frank and Penis? Yeah. Frank and Penis.

That's one of the funniest. What was I just talking about while you pulled that up? What were we just talking about while you pulled that up? Frank and Penis. Should have gone with Frank and Weenie. What was I just talking about while you pulled that up? What were we just talking about while you pulled that up? Frank and penis. Should have gone with Frank and weenie. What was I just talking about right when we pulled that up? What were you talking about? We're talking about something different.

Docking. No. Greeks. In between there. Brittany Griner. God damn it. Her dick got cut off. Bobbit.

Cut off. Finding your dick in a field? You think they find yours? Oh, penis transplant. Transplant. That's right. So they've done the first penis transplant. But they can't transplant balls because the balls carry your loads forever.

If you do transplant with someone else, your balls carry your DNA. Whoa. Yeah. So if you transplanted balls, there's an ethical problem because that guy's obviously dead. And he's still having kids. He's out. Wow. You're having his kids.

Also, if you get a dick transplant, you're going black, though. No. For the request. It's a penis. Why would you go black? And scrotum. What do you mean? Well, you don't want it to look like yours.

Yeah, but you also want the girl to be discolored. Imagine if that was a question. Same. I got a two-tone. What color do you want? Imagine that question. Like, what do you want? You have to wait until everyone's out of the room.

What do you want? Do you care? We could bleach it. Doctors choose not to give the patient testicles after consulting with the bioethicals. They determine the sperm. Bioethicists. Yeah. The sperm-generating tissue would confer the potential for having children with genetic

material from the donor. Wow. And it would keep going. Pretty good. Yeah. Keep the guy alive. Dick Reddit. Dick Reddit.

His name is Dick Reddit. Dick Reddit. Dick Reddit. His name is Dick Reddit. His name is Dick Reddit. So was this the first one? Yeah. The patient who also lost both legs in the blast. Scroll down a little bit. I don't want to make a... Do it.

Do it. You guys notice the doctor who did the most on this? Well, I don't want him making my dick. WP and Julian. Just saying, he had some reasons to do some research. We can go bigger. We can't let nature hold us back. Did you hear about the kid who was born with a giant dong?

So they had to get surgery, and the dad was like, go eight inches. So they went him down to eight. He had a football-shaped dick, and they surgeried it down to an eighter. That's a good dad, though. On a kid. Good dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give him girth.

Yeah, but what if he wanted nine? Eight's pretty good. What if his friend's like, yeah, my dick's an inch bigger. Like, motherfucker, I have nine. Nobody's got a nine football. Yeah. I had a giant football cock when I was a baby. Oh, yeah, with the laces.

Keeping a kid with a giant dick's like the opposite of a boy named Sue. You're going to an easy life. Remasculating him. This kid was one. He was one with a nine-inch dick. He's taller than him. He learned to walk at nine years old. Pull it up, J-Mo.

There he is. Oh, that's the dick. I don't think that's the kid. That's just a kid. That's just a random kid. It's hilarious. Why would they just use this kid? Is he white?

Wow. Sexual organs of a grown man due to rare hormonal condition? I bet that means he's jacked to yeah, but he came out of the womb fucking jacked with a giant hog I bet he fucks great well the dead all the babies said he was on on it Imagine walked in in the nursery and you saw one baby with a giant dick trying to fuck the other baby Yeah, there's one freak nurse. Hey. I know you're only one. You can't do that. Keep your diaper on. Don't put that in your mouth.

Don't fuck the kids. He's just like looking at you, scolding him while he's stroking it. Yeah. Nothing comes out. Yeah, knuckles up. Yeah. Imagine the ultrasound lady being like,

What the fuck? I just can't think of twins. I think you have a dick stuck in there. Oh my gosh. They can't show the dick. Baby born with three penises makes medical history. Wow. That's got to be a record that stands for a while.

You got to keep the middle one. Imagine if the mom was like, I don't want him to have a big one. No, let him keep all three. Give him a normal size. Give him the Hydra. Three dicks? Oh, yeah. No girls.

Is that a total recall? They're going to get mad at you. You could put one in the vag, one in the B-hole, and one can just hang out. Sell two off with these organ transplants. That's not bad. They could make college education. You saw it? No, there's no picture, but it describes what it is.

What is it? Like a third nip? One was under the root under his primary penis. The other one was under the sack. Whoa. Under the sack. Whoa! Under the sack! Like in the taint. Yeah.

A centimeter long schlong situated under the sack. Did we all picture side to side? I did. Yeah, I did too. Now if he jizzes, do they all jizz? Ooh, good question. Or is it one jizz at a time? Immediately go again.

Immediately go again. Yeah, like do you jizz the one you work? Call it the Hydra-esque. Particularly mysterious, a child hadn't been exposed to drugs in the womb and didn't have a family history of genetic aberrations. Yeah, right. Interesting. Old parents.

A lot of weird dicks out there. The language used here is a little interesting. Since Three Willies is a digital phallus, Three Willies is awful. Horrible whale movie. Yeah, it's not Three Willies. Horrible whale movie. Yeah, it's the New York Post. Three Willies? The New York Post is always fucking around.

It's the best back page. I love the post. Page six. Yeah. Three Willies. That writer must have been a fucking sixth grade bully, dude. What a beast. Three Willies.

That's a crazy nickname. Dude, have you found someone who had three dicks and you called them Three Willys? That's pretty good. Better than One-Eyed Willie. Now, remember, they had Chink in the Armor. That was them. Who was that? Still Jeremy Lin.

No, that was ESPN. No, I think it was The Post. ESPN. Damn. What was it? Jeremy Lin was an Asian basketball player and he was dominating. And it said Chink in the armor was the ESPN headline. Really?

Yeah. I'm just quoting the headline. That's crazy. He was quoting me that one time. ESPN fires employee after offensive Lin headline. Wow. He said, I didn't know. I have no idea.

It was not on purpose. But that is a thing that you would say. Exactly. That's what he said. If there was a player that found a hole in the defense, he found a chink in the armor. I would like to hear the phrasing. What do you mean? It's a phrase. Oh, in the what he said. Like if there was a player that found a hole in the defense, he found a chink in the armor. I would like to hear the phrasing. What do you mean? It's a phrase.

Oh, in the Hornets' defense. He found a chink in the Hornets' defense. That's an expression. It is a common expression. Yeah. Tough one on this one, though. It is a tough one on that one, but you could make that mistake. And if you made that mistake, like, you say it all the time.

Is that A's announcer? I'll be honest, I don't forgive him. No. He tried to say the Negro Baseball Hall of Fame. He did more than Michael's. But he said it fast with an accent. It came out the worst way possible. I will not.

He goes, he's like, we've had a great time here. We went to the Baseball League Hall of Fame. Oh. It's full. If you have an accent, then say it. Oh. Yeah. But he didn't have an accent with anything else.

Bruh. No, dude. Yeah. He said it wrong. He accidentally said it. He said it. Oh. But he didn't have an accent with anything else. Bruh. I'm going to go too far. No, dude. Yeah. He said it wrong. He accidentally said it. He said it. The N-word.

Yeah. Not full N-word. Oh, damn. Did you see the one in there? There's a newscaster. The guy next to him kind of looks like, oh. There's a newscaster talking about this guy who had done something like on this long hike. But the amazing thing is that he's gay.

No, he's blind. I mean, he's blind. I saw that. She says it like that. He's gay. No, he climbed up. Right, climbed something. But he's gay.

The horror in her face when she realized that she said gay instead of blind. Like, oh my God. How do you get to gay from blind, though? Panic. Do you know how many people panic when the camera's on them? They just panic They don't know what they're saying If you misspeak it's bad enough

You go the amazing thing is that he's house You're like oh that didn't make it Sorry about that But when you say that you're like Fuck It makes sense If you misspeak If you say something and as you're saying it

You're like this doesn't make sense But it's chink in the armor You're like oh Jesus Christ Yeah Think about that fucking the base the the hall of fame the baseball hall of fame guy must have been like holy as soon as they fucking went like all right we're done with that segment just like yeah yikes no the best one ever is uh the live they had a Capital of the world. This guy has baseball announcers on him. He just goes, Kansas City, fag,

capital of the world. Cincinnati. Doesn't matter. Five minutes later. He's warmed up his mouth. He's warmed up his mouth. He's getting ready to start the broadcast.

And he doesn't know the broadcast is already live. Fag, capital of the world. No, he's not doing that. Hi, everybody. He's talking. He's talking to the guy with him up in the booth.

He didn't know it was a hot mic. And they were like, it was like B-roll of the stadium before the game. You just hear the announcer go, fag, capital of the world. and then he gets fired in like the fifth inning oh and he has

an apology he's like i'm so sorry if you never want to work with me again all this cassianos hits a home run in the middle of his apology he's going to my wife and my kids i love you deep drive that thing's out he fucking calls a home run he did his job he went down he went out doing his job. What do you think happens to a guy like that? He's doing a TV show with Joe List. Oh, that's right. That blows, dude. Now he's working at Gas Digital.

This is the best. Castellanos, let's go. He's on autopilot. He's got to do it. He's got to do it. by Castellanos and would be a home run. So that would make it a 4-0. He's on autopilot. He's got to do it. He's got to do it. He's been doing this for 30 years. Good for him.

He goes back into it. Whatever happened to that guy? He's doing a show with Joe List. For real? Yeah. Legitimate. Like a minor league.

Radio, yes. He is. He's going to minor league stadiums. Joe's taking batting practice at minor league stadiums. He got a jersey for like the Montana. That's right. The Whitefish. They league stadiums. Joe's taking batting practice at minor league stadiums. He got a jersey for the Montana. That's right.

The Whitefish. They put him in. Does Joe List have some baseball fantasy? He's a hell of an announcer. Yeah, he's got a great voice. And a good dancer and a singer. But yeah, he's like, this is my co-host. That guy.

No kidding. I was like, where do I know that name? He's like, oh, think about it. Yeah. I was like, oh, man. Fag capital. Yeah, he's starting old. The thing is, there's so many people out there. There's so many people out there that can do that job.

Yeah. Some are better than others. Some are better than others. John Miller's the best at it. Baseball is tough, too. It's basically like a podcast because it's such a boring fucking game. You got to just talk. You got to be on.

Funny. Captivating. Yeah. That's interesting. Baseball is slow. Hockey be on. Funny. Captivating. Yeah. That's interesting. Baseball is slow. Hockey is... Fighting is easy. Hockey is hard.

Fighting is easy because it's all happening. Right. It's like the excitement is not you talking. Yeah. It's all happening. So you just have to describe what's going on. But what if they're just kind of circling? But they want to put it on the ground.

Do you guys have to go, oh, he's circling. So, Blue Chew. No, you just talk about what he's you guys have to go, oh, he's circling. So, Blue Chew. No, you just talk about what he's trying to do. Like, oh, he's trying to set something up. What do you see in the movement? What do you see in the way they're interacting with each other? What patterns do you see? You see thousands of fights. You see patterns. You see when someone's

starting to set things up. You see someone who's pressing. Someone who's biting on feints. You see things. But I also see some announcers be like, so they start talking about his past and how he came up and how he trains. Yeah, sometimes you do that, and it's all free flow. You don't know what you're going to say. That's why Anik is the best.

He's the best. That guy, John Anik, is the fucking goat. When you take me to those fights and I see that guy work, it's fucking crazy. It's so much harder than what I've seen. He's the goat. He's the best. First of all, he's the smoothest. He's the GOAT. He's the best. First of all, he's the smoothest. He's the most knowledgeable.

He's the best at recall. He's the best at he never flubs any of his lines. Everything is smooth as fuck. He knows when to get in. He knows when to get out. He knows when to set you up. He's so aware of, like, if something goes to the ground, like DC's explaining wrestling positions,

he never gets in the way. He's just the fucking man. And he loves the sport. My favorite about him is watching him when you guys start the main event broadcast. You see him, like, because it's so loud. You guys can't hear each other. He's got an earpiece in. And they're like, he's just like, we are live from 5.5.

Yeah, we all have earpieces in. You see him turn it on. Well, people say, like, why are you yelling during the broadcast? Because I can't even fucking hear myself. You. We all have earpieces in. We have 10 earpieces in. When people say, why are you yelling during the broadcast? I can't even fucking hear myself. You're in the middle of a dream. In the beginning, when the UFC is about to go live on pay-per-view,

especially a big show, Madison Square Garden is fucking nuts. He's playing the Who song. They still do that? Oh, yeah. It gets like we're starting now. It's such a good idea. The Who song is the sickest shit.

Which song is it? That's Bob O'Reilly. It has all the highlights of 30 years of crazy fights. The whole song is the sickest shit. Which one's song is it? That's Bob O'Reilly. Oh, that's a great one. And it has all the highlights of like 30 years of crazy fights. And they line it up to by like, dun, dun, dun. It's incredible. It shows Connor. It's incredible.

I love it. If you're ever working out, you can put that on a loop and just fucking go for hours. They change out the video all the time. Yeah, they're always adding new highlights, new things. It's the time. Yeah, they're always adding new highlights, new things. It's the shit. Out of all the jobs that I have, like that one, I fucking never get tired of that. No. It's cool shit. I have so much fun.

It's the best. I always get excited. That fucking Salt Lake City lineup I showed you. Bananas. Justin Gaethje versus Dustin Poirier. Yeah, my two favorites. Gaethje is my favorite. Holy shit.

Yeah, the whole fucking card is bananas. That's a big one, man. Oh is bananas. That's a big one, man. Oh, yeah. That's a big one. When's that? I think it's July. July 29, I believe. I'm going July 8th. Are you? Let's go. I'm doing shows in Vegas. I texted you. That's right. Where are you doing? Or if you were doing

any. Well, if I did a theater, I would do that place at the Mirage. I like that place a lot i think i'm doing that that's the one ron white always does that place is the shit but last time i did the mgm grand arena and that was pretty badass i'm not gonna do that one i bet you could i bet you'd be surprised i bet you could i'm gonna do that theater yeah there's another theater that i did too that's like 4 000 what is that one The one that's sort of connected to the MGM? Ha.

No, no, the other one. Oh. There's another one. There's a theater. It's a really nice theater. We hold the Weyans there sometimes. I forget the name of it. Weyans Brothers? Brr.

It's not the Cirque du Soleil one? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's like the something point theater or something. We've had the- Oh, the Park MGM? That's right, Park MGM. That place is dope. That's a really good theater.

That's like, what is it, like 4,700 capacity? That's a good one. I gotta get back to Vegas. But the Mirage is the shit. You can't beat that Mirage. That fucking Terry Fedor room

is perfect. It's like, it's angled, it sets up for you. What do you got here? Is this the card? Look at that. Oh, that's the one I'm going to.

That looks pretty great. Volkanovski versus Yair Rodriguez. Robert Whitaker's a killer. Woo! And Drekka's Duplicy. Oh, Hooker. That guy won't go down. Drekka's Duplicy is the dude that-

Bo Nickel, let's go, dude. Oh, yeah, man. Nickel and dime. Jalen Turner versus Dan Hooker's a great fucking fight, too. Oh, yeah. Holy shit, that's a great fight. Yeah. Well, I'll be there.

Brandon Moreno versus Pantoja, that's a fucking great fight. You're playing that gig around this? Yeah. Have you seen Yair Rodriguez fight? No. Yair Rodriguez is one of the wildest motherfuckers that's ever fought in MMA. Mexican. Go to a Yair Rodriguez highlight.

Yair has some of the craziest kicks. He's got this taekwondo background, but he does all this wild shit. He hit BJ Penn with a 360 roundhouse kick. He's around that long? He spins 300. He fucked BJ Penn up. Oh, damn. It was BJ towards the end.

Look at this. Look at this motherfucker. Oh, off the top of the dome. He kicked him with the right and then in the air hits him with the left. He's a beast. He's so dynamic. Wow, that's a tall Mexican. His striking.

And on the ground, he's fucking. He finished Josh Emmett with a triangle on his last fight. On the ground, that's a tall Mexican. His striking, and on the ground he's fucking, he finished Josh Emmett with a triangle on his last fight. On the ground he's nasty. Oh, this is old school. He is fucking wicked. He's wicked and he's really hard to figure out because everything he does is different than anything. Look at that.

Behind the back kick? Behind the back kick, back that up. Look at that. Behind the back swings around, does like a the back kick? What was that? Behind the back kick. Back that up. Look at that. Look at that. Behind the back, swings around, does like a spinning back kick to the supporting leg. Watch that again. Look how creative this fucking guy is. Nobody does that. Let me see that again.

Back it up. Look at that. Behind the back and then spinning back fist. Fucking genius. Holy shit. Fucking genius, man. That reminds me of something I would do, though. You would crush it. You should join the UFC, bro. Watch this elbow. Look at. Fucking genius, man. That reminds me of something I would do, though. It does. You would crush it. You should join the UFC, bro.

Watch this elbow. Look at this. Boom. Boom. Oh, that was nasty. Check this out. The guy's chasing him. He does a spitting elbow.

Look at that. Boom. Oh, I remember that. What? That's a famous clip. An up elbow. He's so dynamic. You didn't even see it.

Was that the zombie? Look at this shit. Flying, jumping roundhouse kick. What the fuck is this guy's problem, dude? That guy's... Bro, he's so good. Should be arrested for that. And off his back. He's fucking nasty with submissions.

He does everything, man. Yair Rodriguez is a motherfucker. It's going to be cool. And he's a guy that had his ups and downs in the UFC. He had some fights where he got dominated by wrestlers, where he really had Frankie Edgar fucked him up. How long has he been around? Beat the shit out of him. He's been some fights where he got dominated by wrestlers, where he really had, like, you know, Frankie Edgar fucked him up. How long has he been around? Beat the shit out of him.

He's been around a while. He looks young. I can remember his name. He's fairly young because he got into the UFC fairly young. He's famous. He's really good, man. He had, like, a back and forth with Max Holloway, like, his down-to-the-wire. Holloway's a beast.

Yeah, he was on the 2014 Ultimate Fighter. Yeah. He won that. Real Jewish. He threw up once when I was interviewing him. Oh, he was on the 2014 Ultimate Fighter. Yeah. He won that. Real Jewish. He threw up once when I was interviewing him. Oh, there's Jamar Nabors. Bro, he's so good, dude. This dude's so good.

He's just so different than anybody else. And he's a really good grappler, too. That's what's crazy. It's like usually when guys are that good at striking, their submissions aren't top-notch. But he's got everything. He's not really a wrestler, but he can wrestle, but my God, his fucking kicking's off the charts. Look at the distance.

See, in that distance, you're fucked. Because he's, that guy's good too. So he's getting popped. Well this is the rise of him. So this is how he won the Ultimate fighter he won that and then you know you just get to see some highlights from some of his fights but Volkanovski is the baddest motherfucker alive so that fight that fight is incredible that's gonna fight some drove but Volkanovski's pound-for-pound number one and

Volkanovski yeah number one yeah he lost lost to Islam Akachev. Very, very close fight. Barely lost. I thought he edged him, but it was a very, very good fight. And then you look at Volkanovski at 145, and he's just unprecedented. He storms the gates. Oh! Yeah, dude.

Wow. Off the chin. But back up that fight, does it show the 360 roundhouse kick he hit BJ with? Call that thing, will you? But look how he does that, that round kick to the straight punch in the same motion. Wow. The kick lands and the punch is right behind it. Straight into big brother punches.

He's so nasty. He's so nasty. He's got Loogie coming next. He's going to do a finger up the butt. Big brother punches. All right, call it, will you? Yeah. Jeez Louise, BJ.

What year was this? That was when BJ went to 145, and BJ at 145 was very depleted. It was not a good move for him to get down to that weight class. GSP said he was the toughest fighter he's ever fought. 29. Yeah, when BJ was 155, but as he got older, he tried the lower weight classes, you know, tied it down with bigger guys. And it just, his body wasn't the same anymore.

He was so good. Oh, BJ was the motherfucker when he was in his prime. Hawaiian. But I always say that, like, you got to look at a guy, like, in their prime. In their prime. Like Mike Tyson, in his prime. You got to look at them, like, in their prime. And then stop watching them.

Yeah, you can't look at them when they're deteriorated and say, oh, overall they didn't. Because overall you're correct. But if you want to look at the greatest expression of martial arts. Right, but if he had just retired, then you'd still only look at the primes. Just look at that part. Yeah. I would say the same for comedians. Yep.

Yeah. Comedians really fall off. Well, Kennison's my favorite example of that. Kennison. This is a great example. Yeah. Did you know that was called? What's that, buddy? Wachowitz and Pereira.

Oh. Oh. Yeah. This is the Utah card. Look, this is the one I was talking about. This is the card. Tony? Everyone is killer. Let me tell you something. Bohovich at 205 is so fucking scary. And for Alex to go right up and fight him. Derek Lewis.

And Marco's Rogerio De Lima. That's a great fight, too. Michael Ch right up and fight him. Derek Lewis and Marcos Rogerio de Lima. That's a great fight, too. I'd love to kiss Wonderboy. Michael Chiesa and Kevin Holland. That's a fucking great fight, too. Wonderboy's so cute, too. Holy shit. Wonderboy is the man, dude.

He's the man. Scroll back up so I can see that. And he's funny, too. You going to that one, Mark? Blachowicz and Pajero. Bro, you're going. I would have loved to go. That's a crazy fight because you can't fuck up with Bohovic.

That guy throws thunder. Let's do a wise guy show and then pop over here. That would be a good time. Let's get Pereira and Izzy going. It's right there, right? Pereira and Izzy going again? Right there by the stadium. Why wouldn't they go three?

Because I don't think Pereira really wants to make 85 anymore. It's absolutely brutal. And there's a lot of speculation as to that's why. Well, first of all Israel hit him with the perfect punch. It was perfect. It was perfect the follow-up was perfect. It was a beautiful knockout cool spectacular but a lot of people are Speculating that he doesn't take a punch that well because he cut so much weight Oh prayer yeah

He'd be better if he walks around He walks around way over 205. He walks around like 230. It just seemed like they... He's huge. It just seemed like they immediately got rid of the idea of a trilogy immediately. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, as soon as the fight ended, they were like, what are you doing next? Not even a mention of...

Yeah. It's 1-1. No. It's 1-1 in MMA, and it's 3-2, right? Overall? Yeah, 3-2 overall. Anyone? I already got someone. Not now. You already did some?

I'll take a nibble. Let's go. I'm still trying to wake up from that hangover. That's a big fight for Pajero to go up to 205 and to fight Barovic. Eat it. That's a big test. I'm excited about that one. You won't.

So what's these chocolates? Were these these ones we were eating last time mm-hmm. They're like one careful Volkanov. He's funny, too Oh, he's hilarious. Well, can I ask you to are the fucking bros? Oh to the old shoe drink? Was that a lot? Not halfs mean to evasa tied to evasa. Yeah, you mean David to it was another one the boxer. No the shoe guy Yeah, half's nothing. Do you mean Tui Vasa? Ty Tui Vasa? Yeah. You mean David Tua was another one, the boxer. No, the shoe guy. Yeah. That's disgusting. Do a shoeie when you're in Australia.

Bert Kreischer was saying he got a throat infection from doing shoeies in Australia. Oh, that's from blowing dudes. Yeah, blowing dudes. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Australia, down under. He didn't understand what it meant.

It means sucking dicks. I can miss them. They tried to get me to do a shoeie when I was there. What'd you do? I said no on stage. Ty Tuivasa tried to drink a beer out of my shoe. Ty tried to drink a beer out of my shoe in a post-fight interview. God let him.

No way. I'd be like, dude, I'm wearing that. Why not? I have to wear that because I have to walk around. Wear a sock to the MGM brand. I don't support that. I don't support that. I don't support that behavior.

That's the coolest shit they do. I don't think so. I can see Shane doing it. The coolest shit you shoes, dude. I don't support that behavior. That's the coolest shit they do. I don't think so. I can see Shane doing it. He does his fight. I can see Shane in a show just like, no. No chance. I said no. Those guys, they huck Louie's. Yeah, they spit into it. Yeah, that's the thing. If you watch

Tui Vassa do it, Volk will be standing there with him going, into it. They huck Louie's. Big, thick ones. They probably drink milk, they hock loogies. What? You should respect each other. They probably drink milk so they have extra phlegm. That's not friendly. Oh, that's gayer than jizz.

Is it? Yeah, drinking milk from a mouth. A hock a loog? Yeah. Spit in your mouth. Spit in your mouth. That's less gay. Spit in your mouth fucking?

Yeah, I think sucking someone's cock and cum coming in your mouth is the most gay. Well, you might have a point on that. You got a sound reason. You know when you spell it out like that? I guess in a way you're right. Coming from a guy who watched people drink cum on TV. Kissing. You've seen it.

I watched people drink a glass of cum. And that was bull cum. Yeah, donkey. Donkey cum. You know why? Because it's the cheapest. Great punk band. Because donkeys can Donkey jizz. Donkey cum. You know why? Because it's the cheapest. Great punk band. Because donkeys can't impregnate anybody.

Is that right? Donkeys cum is useless. Donkeys are mules and horses. So if I put donkey jizz in a lady's vag, it won't knock her up? Well, it might kill her. Interesting. Try it. Imagine if there was one animal that could fuck a person but they never have before, and one lady gets pregnant with a koala.

Oh, shit. Jesus Christ. It's like one sperm that actually does work on human eggs. Flights to Australia. But they never have before and one lady gets pregnant with like koala like oh, yeah, it's Christ It's like one sperm that actually does work on human eggs flights to Australia quadruple do it already be Hybrids if that was the case so imagine imagine if you just worked on everything like everybody like we have like universal jizz You know like we have a positive blood. I'm just learning it doesn't imagine some people the fo positive blood You could donate blood to anybody right if you have universal jizz yeah everything everybody gets it it just works on every dudes have jizzed on anthills you remember the old days everything's getting it yeah the old

days I don't know if you guys remember this but they used to do tests on people to see if you could have kids together well yeah yeah yeah that's for Jews I don't think it was real. I don't think it really made sense. To see if you were able to? They would do blood tests on people to see if you should have kids together. I remember this.

What? It's a heartbreaking test. Tay-Sachs, I remember. Not only that, I don't even think it's real. No. I don't think it works. If it's safe for you to have kids together. There was some thing that they did.

I think it was just nonsense. It's weird how incest comes out. I just vaguely remember that when I was a kid. Aha. So see if you can find what that is. Sounds like you had a weird camp counselor. There was a genetic test, but I don't know if that's what they were doing back then. Nah, they definitely weren't doing genetics. How old were you that you knew about this? I remember hearing about it when I was like 10 or something like that. Going, what the fuck is that? Yikes. Who are you hanging out with? Weirdos.

Fisher. The guy when you were fishing. Strange people trying to find out. Oh yeah. The molester guy. I was 13 with that guy. The guy when you were fishing. Strange people trying to fight. Oh, yeah. I was 13 with that guy. The Hoover salesman from Different Strokes. You're lucky you can't get pregnant, dude. That guy was lucky. Oh, yeah. Mama. Dodged that bullet.

Oh, yeah. He was trying to give you the trout. He was a big fellow, too. Salmon. The northern pike. Salmon rush, dude. He was giving you that northern pike, dude. The old blowfish. Hey, we should go fishing. Oh, rush, dude. He's giving me that northern pike, dude. The old blowfish.

Hey, we should go fishing. Oh, I'd love to go fishing. We should. Ari and I went fishing in Alaska. Really? We got to go outside Salt Lake. We haven't gone since then. We haven't gone since then.

It was so fun. We went salmon fishing. We had such a blast. We got great pictures. I'd love to do that. We could eat it after. Yeah, it was fun. Yeah.

The mosquitoes were insane. Insane. In Alaska? Yeah, it was fun. Yeah. The mosquitoes were insane. Insane. In Alaska, yeah, they're terrible. It's crazy. Like, we had spray. What year was that? 2014, maybe? We had bug spray, and look at that.

Northern pike eating another northern pike. Wow. Jesus Christ. It looks like a two docking. Wow, look at that. Is that the picture of Ari Salmon? That's what it says. Click on it.

Oh, is that right? That can't be what it is. No, as you go to Instagram, that's the actual picture. Somebody else stuck that in there. That's it. Whoa. You caught that? Nice pull there, Jew.

Big Jew. 2013. Wow. 13. 10 years ago, brother. Wow. We haven't gone since then. It was so nice.

Wow. We saw a moose. Yeah, we saw a moose. Northern kike. We saw eagles. That was my first time seeing eagles. That was my first time seeing an eagle in the wild. Those motherfuckers. America.

Look, you get the Bud Light cans out. You're not even hiding them anymore. There's nothing to be ashamed of, dude. I agree with you. There's nothing to be ashamed of. I feel like you should be the new spokesperson. You could turn this motherfucker around. They better hurry up and give me some money or I'm going to start drinking Coors. We were talking about the ways they could turn it around last night, remember? Yeah, you had

a pretty good idea. What was the idea? No. Okay. Fair. What is it? It was an idea that if they did it, their stocks would go through the roof, but the country would actually... It would start a war. It would start off... The most innocuous one I had was Pepe the Frog holding a Bud Light and it says, feels bad, man.

Yeah. And Pepe just released that. People would go, I'm listening. I'm listening. Where you going with this? It's like a Bud Light turns full heel like Hulk Hogan did. Yeah. NWO?

Hollywood? Hollywood Hogan. With the black mustache, blonde hair. It went full, full heel. Oh, I loved it. They didn't already have the frog stuff. They could easily bring the frog stuff back. Oh, God.

Pepe. Pepe. Isn't it wild that that fucking poor dude, his car, the guy was like this little liberal fella. It'd be funny if the frogs were like, sheen. He got four chants. I don't allow that. That's sweet.

Then we're definitely going to use it. And he tried to kill off his frog because he was going to stop using it. Poor guy. He got 4chan'd. I don't allow that. Sweet. Then we're definitely going to use it. And he tried to kill off his frog. He's going to stop using it. Poor guy. You can just draw it. If you go to Truth Social, how many frog avatars are there? It's quite a few. It has to be, right?

I've never gone. Would it be? Where would you get the most frog avatar? It would be a 4chan thing more than anything, right? They love picking out a random image and just saying, this now means this. Yeah. And it doesn't, but they're just like,

this one was the greatest, the A-OK. That was Arabic. You know about that one? That one's insane. That one's insane. Which one? Just getting everybody to think

this man is white supremacy. White power. And that guy got fired, that truck driver. For doing it? A Mexican guy was like, hey, he took a photo and they adopted him.

And they started showing Steph Curry doing this and they're like, wait, hold on. Maybe, and they adopted him. And they started showing Steph Curry doing this. And they're like, wait, hold on. Maybe we've got it wrong. Maybe it's just okay. A lot of guys told me that if you do that on your pants, and someone looks, they hit you in the dick. They hit you.

Yeah. They hit you in the arm. Ow, I didn't look. Review the tape. Review the tape. I did not look. I went like that. Bro, he got a clean shot off of you.

Punch buggy. Come on, dude. I didn't look. So rude. I didn't look. I'll review the tape. I'll review the tape. I don he got a clean shot off you. Punch buggy. Come on, dude. I didn't look. So rude. I didn't look. I'll review the tape. I'm sorry. I might have punched you too hard.

My bad. Jamie slightly turned his head in a conversational manner in your direction. Jamie, can you review the tape right now? I can't do it. I'm not sure I have the camera on you. Because I think that was it. I was... What are you...

To reflect it, dude. I don't even know what's down there. Who did that? When did that start? I never was around. That was big. I never fucked was it. I was... What are you... To reflection, dude. I don't even know what's down there. Who did that? When did that start? I never was around. That was big. All right, all right. You didn't do that in high school?

No. That was huge in high school. How about this? What's the capital of Thailand? What? Get him. Bangkok. Bangkok.

That was a classic. I was like, what's he doing? What the fuck? Here's what me and Matt McCusker... I'm looking for a geology question. Me and Matt McC what's he doing? Here's one. Me and Matt McCusker. I'm looking for a geology question. Me and Matt McCusker have been working on this one. When you're ordering dinner and the waiter comes over and is like, what would you like for dinner? You go, I'd like a hot dog.

Oh, that's fun. And you sexually assault the waiter. Jesus Christ. I'd like a hot dog. He's got three bucks an hour. Bro. And now this. He's got to be nice because he still wants you to tip him.

Yeah. He's got to go, all right, guys. Now, I told you, I got Adam with it last night. My dad, this is one of the most uncomfortable things that's ever happened. We were at a fucking restaurant, and we're talking to the hostess. This was like a very cute girl, and I was talking to her a little. My dad came over and goes, Shane, you see where the horse bit me? He went like this, so I go, look over his shoulder, and he goes,

got me right in front of this girl. That would have gotten me. That's a good one. You can get everybody. What a misdirect. You go, you see where the horse bit me? Or you go, dude, look how fucking somber I am. Do girls do things like that?

No. I hope so. No. I hope so. No way. They do not. Grab each other's butts and boobs. Girls get mad at each other.

Give each other a vag grab. Oh my God. No chance. Hey, you fucking cunt. It's disgusting. Is it? Grabbing your dicks okay? Pussies in the wild?

Oh, in the wool. Just when you're out walking around, you touch one of those things, you go, oh my God. It's like seafood. Yeah, you gotta go home. Octopus. I like them. I like pussies too. Okay.

I'm a fan. I'm convinced. We sound like the gayest guys. I like pussies. I actually love having sex. Bro, this is one guy that I knew was gay, but he didn't want to admit he was gay. Jamie. Everybody knew he was gay.

I mean, he was a great guy, but he told me this story about making out with this girl in a club. And the way I described it to my friends is like, if you told me all the words in French, but I didn't know what they meant, and I said them, even though I said them right, you'd be like, something's wrong. Yeah, I saw her and she just looked at me and just started fucking making out in the middle of the club. I was like. It was so hot kissing.

I'm like, I don't think this happened, sir. Yeah. I do not think that. He's doing an impression of what he's overheard. I support the gay community. You don't have to do this to me. Yeah. Just be gay.

I like gay people. It's fine, man. It's fine. You don't have to do this. Be gay fucking rules. Bro, the saddest shit ever, though, is gay guys that are in the closet. That's tough. That does suck.

Fuck. Ari. Because they can't. They just fucking. They've been holding on to it for so long. Yeah. You guys hide it. Yeah, they're just used to it.

It's nutty. Kevin Meaney waits till his dad dies. Fez waits till his dad dies. I get that. Imagine not knowing that Fez was gay. Wow. Imagine. Imagine. Wait, who's Fez? Ron and Fez, wait until it's that guy. I get that. Imagine not knowing that Fez was gay. Wow. Imagine. Imagine.

Wait, who's Fez? Ron and Fez. He's gay? He was. He was. He's dead. What? What are you talking about?

Fez? He was a walking Trump. Jesus. Dude, joking. Yeah. Fez was gay. I had no idea. You could light a cigarette off of that, dude.

Light a fire. Light a fire. All right, well, we're going to have to cut all this. I know. People know he's gay. He's dead. He was awesome. What do you get, AIDS?

Ron and Fez were great. I used to love them. They came out after ONA, and it was like, wait, what's this now? And Ron was a great, like, he was a real fan of comedy. Shut up, Radio Ron. Ron's the fucking best. Good comic, too. He does The Cellar all the time. He's a killer. Oh, I didn't even know he was a comic. of comedy. Shout out to Ron. Ron's the fucking best. Good comic, too. He does The Cellar all the time.

He's a killer. Oh, I didn't even know he was a comic. Yeah. Hilarious. I didn't know Fez was gay. That's awesome. And he loves New York. When they tore down the stand,

because the whole building sold the stand. It was like, we have a five-year contract. They're like, buy us out. It's the only way. And then they eventually tore it down. He goes, yeah, so fucking rich people can live higher in the clouds. They're like, damn.

He does love New York. Yeah, he loves it. Ron has like, I'm going to fuck it up. I'm going to make it not that funny, but it's a joke I think. It's one of those jokes I think about constantly. Ah, yeah. Ron has a joke about he was walking down the street and a crane in New York collapsed and almost fell, like almost hit him.

He had to like run. And he's like, New York's so fucking crazy that I forgot that happened. And then I was at home watching the news with his wife. He was with his wife. I don't know if he's married. Yeah. But he was like, oh, shit. I was there.

I forgot. Yeah. It makes me laugh. Yeah, that's a good point. He's very funny. He had one. It's just about like somebody called and was like, hey, you haven't been funny all morning. And his response, he just goes, so?

It was such an end of the a conversation Ron Bennington's unmasked with Patrice O'Neill is unreal it's the best oh that's right it's unmasked unmasked it's unmasked with Norton I just I everything I did on podcasting was just mimicked off that yeah great broadcaster yeah isn't that interesting like what podcasting is now is like what that was yeah right like it's unmasked it was an unusual thing yeah an unusual thing to sit down and just Isn't that interesting, like, what podcasting is now? It's like what that was. Yeah. Right? It's unmasked. It was an unusual thing.

Yeah. An unusual thing. Just sit down and just talk to someone one-on-one. And as a young comic, there was none of that. Right. On comedy CDs. I used to listen to that. It was like Woody Allen, Seinfeld.

And now young comics have so much. It's like a wealth that never ends. The podcast. It's four masters. Oh, yeah. Taking my feet. Fucking guys, yeah. That's masters. Oh, yeah. Taking my feet. Fucking guys, yeah. That's comedy.

Oh, the true masters. Plus it's like an octopus. Loose lips. Sing ships. Yeah, they have so much more to go on. So much more to watch, too. That's the most amazing thing. It was hard to get a hold of a good VHS back then.

Yeah. It was amazing. You had to loan CDs to each other. You heard a good CD of somebody. You're like, let me have that. I never even saw comedy. Yeah, right. Only listen.

I never. My dad had a Carlin CD. When did you see it? When was the first time you saw it? I started the first two specials I remember was Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia's Comedy Central Presents. Easy. Comedy Central Presents. And I remember sitting there going,

God damn, this is it. That's the top of the mountain. Yeah, I never saw shit. Yeah, Comedy Central put a lot of stuff on for people who didn't have HBO. Oh, yeah, those half hours were huge. When I got on Comedy Central, I did my Comedy Central special on 2014.

The idea was if I did it anywhere else, we'd get less people to see it. Yeah. More people would see it on Comedy Central. That's crazy. Comedy Central was huge back then. It was huge. I watched all those.

Art Barker, Doug Benson. How did they fuck that up? I'll tell you. They didn't adapt. This is not happening. When they got rid of Ari Shaffir, who was the host of This Is Not Happening. And they upgraded it to Roy Wood. He got a superior deal at Netflix, and they wouldn't allow him to continue his show.

It was nuts. They were like, they lost their fucking minds. Like you were saying, sometimes Jews hate Jews. True. It was Norwegians. They didn't run that company.

Comedy Central was run by Norwegians? Yeah. The funniest people alive. We were trying to figure out, you were going to pay everybody? Yeah. That was really wild.

We were trying to figure out how to do it the right way. They were trying to hold it over my head. They were going, we're going to fire everybody, your whole crew that's been around for five years what we're trying to figure out how to they blackmail me They were trying to hold it off my head. They were going they were going like we're gonna fire everybody your whole crew That's been around for five years. We're gonna fire him with two weeks out. Good luck paying their rent Yeah, or you fucking well, you're such a good they said it that way Yeah, Jesus or you comply and you do fucking turn on this Netflix deal and I was like no fucking way what yeah Rogan was like I'll host an episode for free. Wow help you I was like, no fucking way. What? Yeah, Rogan was like, I'll host an episode for free.

Wow. I thought I'd help you. And I was like, okay. You were going to do it on Tom. Yeah, I said, well, we'll get a bunch of people that are your friends. We'll host them for free. They go, no. They were so mad. Wow.

And then they went full. They just collapsed. What are they doing now? Nothing. You watched their clips on Instagram. I mean, if you looked at the drop off of Comedy Central, it's got to be insane. What are they doing now? Nothing. You watch their clips on Instagram? I mean, if you looked at the drop-off of Comedy Central, it's got to be insane. Dude, think about it. They had Chappelle Show.

Yeah. South Park and Chappelle Show. Man Show. Daily Show. I was on South Park. Daily Show. South Park was great. It's probably the only thing that keeps them alive.

I think they're more... They're just a studio now. They're like HBO Max. They take their stuff and sell it off. Yeah. Tosh.0. They make more money. Tosh.0 was gigantic.

What happened to Tosh? What's he doing? He's around. He take their stuff and sell it off. Tosh.0 was big. They make more money. Tosh.0 was gigantic. What happened to Tosh? What's he doing? He's around. He's so funny. He's hilarious. He's an underrated comic. Most underrated. Solid comic.

Great comic. Is he doing stand-up? Because he's so known for the show that people, I don't know. I don't know. I think that rape thing fucked him up. No. What happened? The joke he had about that joke was great.

Oh, yeah. But I had a joke about that, too. About his thing? Yeah, about the cancel thing. That was 2014. Yeah. joke was great. Oh, yeah, but I had a joke about that, too. About his thing? Yeah, about the cancel thing. That was 2014. Yeah, it was early. Yeah. I feel like he fell off after that.

There was a petition to get him fired, take the show away. I don't think that he fell off, dude. I think he's doing all these theaters. Oh, okay, okay. Good for him. He's on the road to fucking sold-out places going, what the fuck are these guys doing? He's doing the Mirage. Yeah.

There you go. All right, good for Tosh. Still killing it. That was one I listened to constantly. That was like when I was in college when he was just listening to all of his albums. Same. He was so good. He has a new spell.

Not new, but new, his latest. Yeah, it was great. It's great, but no one talked about it. It was on Comedy Central. That's why. It's called People Please. It's so funny. It's like Roy Wood.

They locked him up in this deal and then the whole thing collapsed and he's like, it's like still like, I guess I'm still a sports performer at the World Trade Center.

Right. So here's what's fucked up is that you didn't have a deal to do a special there. You had an exclusive deal. That was so insidious about it. You were, you had the option

to go other places. I could do whatever I wanted. Exactly. And they're like, no way. And they said, I was like, guys, it'll bring more viewers to the show. They go, we think it'll be more, our show will bring more viewers to Netflix. Which at the time was like, oh, good call. What? All of them work at Netflix now, by the way.

Yeah, some of them do. It was so bad. They all get to, they just get to pack, like they go somewhere else. Exactly. They go to a working comedy. Yeah, exactly. They go to something else. You know what I should have done? I didn't do it.

What I should have done is I have access to a giant platform. I'm just going to go and publicly say to the public. I guess that's how you say it. Be like, hey, they're doing this. What do you guys think? Yeah. Maybe we should have done that. I stayed quiet.

Yeah, I should have gone wild with it. Yeah, but you were still trying to salvage it. I was going to pay everybody. I was like, sweet, I'll sell it. I was going to borrow a bunch of money from you. They're like, why would he give it to you? I'm like, he'll give it to me. I'll pay it back, but he'll give it to me.

And then just pay all these employees and be like, no, I'm still doing my. Yeah, we talked about that. I was totally willing to do that. We're just going to pay him off. Yeah, you were the first guy to do the, you didn't get hired, then you got a bunch of views on YouTube, then you got hired. Yeah, that's right. Yeah.

I had to go around the system to get Norman on. They were like, we can't fly anybody out. Yeah. And I was like, Norman, can you just plan a trip to LA and do an LA hire? And you were like, yeah, okay. Also, fuck the makeup girl. Hey, easy. Sick, dude.

That one stripper really liked you. Oh, yeah, yeah, well. Also, fuck the makeup girl. Hey, easy. Sick, dude. That one stripper really liked you. Oh, yeah, yeah, well. You're a handsome devil, dude. You are, you cute little bitch. Then they, god damn, they got to hang out with you. That's tough. Then they see the pack of notes and they start to reconsider. He made the pack smaller after we criticized him.

You got that right. It got through to him. Well, I got made fun of on the road. People were like, pull out the joke book. And they would all die laughing. So I cut it down. Can I see it? Okay.

That's way less crazy. I would not give it to them. Please let them see it. The wallet, though, is still there. Oh, dude. What the fuck is in your wallet? Look at that. What is in there?

Jesus Christ, dude. Business cards. Fucking newspapers. What do you call it? Spot pay. Spot pay. Oh, nice. Well, the hooker's in a... Why don't you get a money clip? Huh? You don't know what a money clip is? Business cards, fucking newspapers. What do you call it? Spot pay. Spot pay. Oh, nice. Nice.

Well, the hooker's in a... Why don't you get a money clip? Huh? You don't know what a money clip is? I know what it is, but... Keep it in your front pocket. What am I, gay? Hey.

Come on. I can't do a money clip. He's got a point. Thank you. Money clips are gay. It's a gambling thing. Unless you've got a monocle. It's not allowed.

Really? You're the fucking Monopoly guy. The right money clip really is a rubber band. No, I get three more of these, I get a free smoothie. I can't do a money clip. You're a fucking Monopoly guy. The right money clip really is a rubber band. No, I get three more of these, I get a free smoothie. I can't money flip that. You're out of your mind, dude. You're out of your fucking mind. He's got 20 grand and a three-hole punch for a fucking free smoothie.

Those smoothies are $9.99. I go to the same coffee shop every day, and I don't do a punch card. Because I'm like, I'd feel worse going, could you punch my card? Oh, you get over it. I'd pay $5 on the 10th one to go. I'm waiting to cash this puppy in too. Olive Garden. We'll come with you.

You got it. Breadsticks. Do you use those? No. Norman is way jewier than anyone you know. You can hear the pussy drying up. Today we got lunch. Me and Mark got lunch. I had three french fries left. The guy came to take them. He goes, no, no, no.

He ate three of my french fries. Can't let those go. Those are truffle. We're at Bonnaroo. We're staying late because they drove everybody home. Norman was off doing a Norman adventure. Comes back at like 1 a.m. There's a staff party.

Crawfish boil, whatever. It was over four hours ago. He comes back. Wow, I got the craziest thing to tell you. Ah, you wasted all these heads. They were so good. Ah, sucking the heads. You can't let that go to waste.

Yeah, you're fucked up. The heads are good. He never changed. We didn't have food in my house as a child. That camp, dude, you guys had food. We didn't have food. We had evaporated milk or powdered milk. I was just looking in the wrong drawer.

Dude, wait. This isn't the fucking, this is 2005. What are you talking about? What do you mean? It was poor. You were that poor? It that poor from the 30s. 2005. I was in college.

Oh, all right. But I didn't have any food. You guys had evaporated milk? Yeah. What does that mean? I mean, we had it amongst the chunky soups. Yes. We had a lot of grilled.

You had chunky? Yeah, but you were talking about powdered milk, right? Yeah, powdered. Sorry. What was I saying? Powdered milk. I said evaporated milk. Oh.

You'd get powdered milk. It was cheap. Yeah, people had it. Powdered milk. I remember growing up having it. Yeah, water to it. Yeah, tap. Sorry. What was I saying? Powdered milk. I said evaporated milk. Oh. You'd get powdered milk. It was cheap. Powdered milk. I remember growing up having it. Yeah, water to it. Yeah, tap water to it.

Yeah, it's pretty rough. So you're just drinking fluoride and powdered milk. Oh, calcium? Is it like- You're not even supposed to drink tap water. What? You should absolutely filter your tap water. That's all I drink is tap water.

Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd say it's so safe. That's my least favorite thing about New York people. Saying tap water's good? New York tap water. That's all I drink is tap water. I'd say it's so safe. That's my least favorite thing about New York people. Saying tap water's good? New York tap water. It's the best tap water. It's fucking tap water. It's disgusting.

And they do that show with those pipes. Get a Brita. Yeah, get a filter. We had lead pipes. They just got them up. Really? Oh, yeah. Last year.

Lead poisoning. Yeah, we had lead pipes. Yeah, if you turn on your faucet and brown comes out, you're like, what are you talking about? So the pipes, maybe. The water's fine. They used to use lead paint until they realized kids were getting really stupid. And they're like, hey, what's going on here?

Oh, yeah. That was the original autism. Yeah. Asbestos. Lead paint. We used to tell kids, oh, he ate paint. Right. Paint chips.

You ate a lot of paint chips as a kid? Yeah. Tommy boy. That was a thing, man. Lead paint. Really? Fucked up. Yeah. Tommy boy. That was a thing, man. Lead paint. Really? Fucked up. Yeah, lead paint.

Do you know that lead gasoline, before they made unleaded gasoline, lowered everyone's IQ in cities? No. Really? Wow. Whoa. Just lead poisoning. Secondhand.

Like literal lead poisoning from the sky. Send it to China. Wow. Because those cars were disgusting. They had no fucking, no protection. They would put up blue fucking powder fumes out of the back of it. It was all awful. And you just breathe in it.

You were breathing in. Hey. Oh, is that what that? Yeah. That's the lead paint. Ding. The bell. You would breathe in lead.

See if you can find that. Like, lowered IQ. Here it is. Lead exposure in last century shrank IQ scores of half of Americans. Wow. Wow. In the 40s. Leaded gasoline calculations have stolen over 800 million cumulative IQ points since the

1940s. Holy hell. That's terrifying. A lot of the great old artists died of lead poisoning. Lead zeppelin. Lead was the first additive to gasoline to help cars engine healthy. However, automotive health came at a great expense of our own well-being. When did that happen when they switched to unleaded?

Because I seem to remember it like when I was in high school. If you had a muscle car, you wanted to get leaded gas. Oh, really? Yeah. Who gets leaded? Lead-related health problems. I'd be so badass now to get a leaded car. Such as faster aging of the brain, leaded gas for cars was banned in the U.S. in 1996.

Wow. Man, that's pretty late. That's late. 1996. Wow. Man, that's pretty late. That's late. 1996. Yep. But researchers say that anyone born before the end of that era, and especially those at the peak of its use in the 1960s, that's me, in the 1970s, had concernably high level, high lead exposures as children.

That's me, bro. That's why you have patients with these nerds. Yeah, with dorks. Yeah, from dorks. Yeah. Lead exposure. Mm's me, bro. That's why you have patience with these nerds. Yeah, with dorks. Yeah, from dorks. Yeah. Blood exposure. Tough times.

Isn't that fucked? I could have been way smarter. Shit. You think they'll do that with... You're underachieving. Shit. Have you tried paint? I could have been

so fucking smart. It's delicious. You think they'll do that with the internet at some point? For sure. Because everybody's killing it. These girls are killing themselves.

Everybody's depressed. Oh, girls're killing themselves. Everybody's depressed. Girls are killing themselves? Yeah, Instagram. Yeah, it's been a big factor in self-harm for kids. If you look at the invention of social media on, there's a giant spike. There's a great book about it. Lack of privacy, seeing your friends doing better things, parties you're not invited to, seeing pictures of the parties you weren't invited to

instead of just hearing about it later? No, it's fucking crazy. If you really think about it. Imagine, because those filters like TikTok, my daughter was complaining about it yesterday, they don't show your real face. They put a filter on automatically. When you do stuff on TikTok,

it changes the way your face looks, it smooths out your skin, makes you look prettier. And so everybody's comparing what they see in the mirror to what they see on Instagram. To the prom version of other people. They look like shit, yeah. But I thought big was beautiful. Yeah, everyone has this fake old LA kind of stripper face.

It's all devoid of character. When I see a guy use those filters, I immediately dismiss everything you say. Yeah, it's a pretty cigarette. You're wearing a filter, and when you're doing your selfies, you're taking pictures. It's like putting makeup on. It's worse. It's a mask. It's like you're hiding.

This is fake. When you see people do it, you're like, what are you doing? Do you not know that everybody knows that? That's so crazy. That's wild. It's like having giant fake eyelashes. Everybody knows. Right, what are you doing? Do you not know that everybody knows that? That's so crazy. That's wild. That's like having giant fake eyelashes. Everybody knows. Right. What are you doing? This is insane. It doesn't look good. It looks crazy.

You've got a filter on your face. It looks like a cartoon. You look like a cartoon, but you're like, it looks good. It is like those people who get plastic surgery. It looks fine. Everyone else is like, no way. They all look crazy. Well, the thing is, some plastic surgery looks good. I've seen some women all going for that They'll I get jowls or hanging in their eyelids and then they get tucked up nice not crazy

Yeah, and they look way better. Yeah, there's guys out there that are masters But then there's monsters one step down the filler monsters, but why these millionaires get bad surgery I'm like, how did you feel? Michael Jackson, it's it's body dysmorphia. You go crazy. You don't know what you're seeing. And the doctor's like, I don't think we can do what you're asking. Just try it.

They got to do it. Yeah, that's one guy you never hear bragging. Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon. Who the fuck was that guy? That guy was like, I'll do it, but you can't tell anybody. It's like the opposite of the Kardashian surgery. Ghostwriter. The Kardashians or ghost right the

Kardashians all have great surgery very nice like you look at what they did like they shaped their fucking skulls Bruce Jenner looks great the Jenners the kids they shaped their skull really By the job down what real kids do like Caitlyn and all those with a little one the young with and the photos and before and after it's like wait is Caitlin Wait raisins the girl that was a guy Bruce Bruce. Okay, so Kendall. She's the hottest. She's the one dating Trample guy yeah Houston Astro guy people get surgery on their fucking jaws That's why I was trimmed down to narrow their face. Didn't Dylan Mulvaney, your favorite Bud Light drinker, didn't that person

do that? I think they got feminizing surgery. It's similar. I don't know who that is. Oh. It's Kid Rock's archenemy. Can I ask what happened with that thing? Because I never saw a single Bud Light can. I just heard about it all. I own one.

You do? Facial feminization surgery. I got one about it all. I own one. You do? Total facial feminization. I got one. How? From where? eBay. You have to order it. Oh, it was not cheap.

But I think it's going to go way up. Oh, yeah. This is the demise of the company. Someone from Coors is going to buy that for you for a million dollars. Bring it on, Coors. Everlasting Gobstopper. It's my Dogecoin. I mean, they made everybody else make more money. And they've lost some insane amount, something like in the 20 plus percent of sales.

Six billion. Which is so crazy. And so what did they, they wanted to go all faces on these cans, dude? No, no, no. They sent, it was just- One lady sent one Dylan Mulvaney can because they were like, oh, this is a viral person. It was just like a minor. It wasn't a commercial. Is it like sending you a

Phillies Gillis shirt? Yes. Jersey? Yes. It was a year of being a woman. Here's your reward. Gender fluid. And so why does everyone care that much? Because it's funny. It is funny. It's something to do. It's funny. If you order a Bud Light, people go,

what is it, your period? Like, yeah, it's hard. It's hard out here, dude. People are shotgunning. I've read that bar owners are stopping. They won't carry it because people who want it and buy it are getting attacked. Jesus. That's wild.

Getting Bud Lights. You order a Bud Light at a bar and someone's like, wait, are you fucking gay? What are you doing when you go to bars now? Dude, I stay in, look at this. No one's gonna beat up somebody for supporting trans in New York. But on stage, on stage,

yeah, it's tough. Yeah. Bringing a Bud Light on stage, now you're gonna, somebody's gonna yell. Yeah, it's gonna be a subject.

You gotta get the draft. This is the Texas edition. Yeah, look at that. Nice. Well, they're gonna sell camo Bud Lights now. That's smart. That's smart. Turn it around. Yeah, look at that. Nice. Yeah, it's got the star. Well, they're going to sell camo Bud Lights now.

That's smart. That's smart. Turn it around. Turn it around, bro. Show a dead Arab. Fuck yeah. Let's go. You can't even see the dick.

Yeah. Camo. I like that. That's fun. I don't know. It's a non-thing, but it became a joke, and that's tough to overcome marketing-wise. It's tough to get people to order a Bud Light publicly now that they know the joke. You're going to get made fun of.

It'll be forgotten in a month. No. Two months? No, no, no. It's going to be a while. A year, no one will remember it, really. You'll make a joke on stage and be like, what? No, no, no.

You guys are crazy. It's my cross to bear, dude. You guys are crazy. It's going to hang in there for a long time. I don't know. This is going to be one of them cultural things. There's never been a brand that got hit like this before. They'll be back.

This is a big deal. They'll do some titty shots. You think so? They're going to get saved this month. Everyone's going to remember that lady saying that we've got to get away from the fratty sense of humor. She was fired. We've got to be more inclusive.

I'm telling you, don't forget. Definitely? Yeah, yeah. She's out. Well, if you're going to be fired, it's real hard to argue with that one. She works at Comedy Central. I swear to God, though, they'll be saved this month. Every single company on earth is going to do a gay commercial all of June.

They've already done it. Miller Lite, Starbucks, Ford. Raptor did a gay commercial. I saw that one. Raptor? Yeah. The truck. The truck.

They're running tough. Yeah. And they did it gay commercial. I saw that one. Raptor? Yeah. The truck. Redefining tough. Yeah. And they did it because one poster wrote up- The ship market's a really like farmery lesbians. Oh. Let me finish. One poster did it because one guy wrote a homophobic comment on one of the Bud Light Raptor Ranger trucks.

Don't regret that comment. And so they came up with this fucking whole campaign to counter that. This is it. Hey, that's a good looking truck. Very gay Raptor. What is it? Literally. It says it.

Hashtag very gay Raptor. That's the worst dinosaur ever. Scroll up so I can see the top of the top. The Ford's redefining tough Rainbow Raptor commercial goes viral. Sparks online backlash. Everything sparks online backlash. But barely. Yeah, barely.

That's interesting. When are these journalists going to actually write the story and not the small percentage backlash? I think that's the Raptor Ranger, isn't it? Is that the Raptor Ranger? It's a good-looking truck. I think the Raptor Ranger is the smaller one, and I think that's where somebody said something like,

the Raptor, yeah. Okay, yeah, Ranger Raptor, that's where somebody said something like the rap. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Ranger Raptor. That's what it is. So someone said something. Oh, it's the gay Raptor because it's the smaller Raptor. Some fucking moron.

True. He was right. It's the gay Raptor. And so they actually painted it in gay colors. There's big gays out there. The very gay Raptor. Ford sucks anyway. Everyone's having a good time.

Everyone's having a good time so far. That's Gene's number one fan. Ford sucks anyway. I always knew them trucks was queer. That's Chevy all the time. Everyone's having a good time so far. That's Cheaton's number one fan. Ford sucks anyways. I always knew them trucks was queer. It's Chevy all the way. He got them. That's a pronoun. No one's not going to buy Raptors.

Shut the fuck up. Yeah, Raptors are cool. They're the shit. They're the shit. Yeah. I had one of those. They're awesome. But why do these companies feel like they have to do it?

Because to me, it's just unoriginal. I feel like they're doing it for a small percentage online like media for whatever and then people are like ooh let's get that and push that other place. I know the answer. What?

It's the women they're hiring chicks from college they're like oh we need to hire women in our company who's going to college to study marketing

liberal arts fucking college chicks we'll get them in and then they right away. They just fucking But why does a woman want to work at Ford? Because it's a marketing job.

They take it anywhere. It's not like she's in the fucking factory. It's not like she loves Ford. Marketing people don't get a job at tampons because they love tampons. Yeah, people who work at Geico don't love. Yeah. We think about that because that's what we do. We do what we love. Ah. Good point.

You're just lucky. You're just lucky. Most people live and suck. Most people don't get drunk with their friends at work. Most people live and suck. This is a job. What we're doing is a job. It's funny the difference between the people, the Venn diagram of dudes who get drunk at work with their friends.

It's like us and then it's like the lowest possible. It's like dude, pull pots are's like the lowest possible. It's like the Pol Pot's army. Fuck it. Garbage, man. You know what's weird about the couple that got beat up, it says, is all the articles I'm seeing. Who got beat up? It says a couple was beat up for allegedly purchasing Bud Light. Oh, that's horrible.

It's happened in Canada. You didn't say allegedly beat up. They said allegedly purchasing. Allegedly assaulted. There's no evidence in anything I'm reading that says that they even had Bud Light. They did not. They mistakenly were picked out of a crowd, apparently. Those are the guys with the paint huffers.

Look at that dude. He's got silver paint around his face. It's the guy that beat him up, apparently. Yeah, he's a paint huffer. He's out of his fucking mind. Oh, yeah. He thought he saw Bud Light. So this story went wild.

I think this is the only case I could find where this happened. It might have happened somewhere else. That was probably a douchebag that wanted to go beat up somebody for buying Bud Light and nobody was buying it. So he found this next best thing, which is Canadians. It's like when we beat up Indians after 9-11. He found some Canadians. He's like, they'll buy Bud Light.

Molson Blue's Bud Light. Exactly. Molson Blue. Is that Bud Light? Actually, no, sir. It's not. It's like, fuck off. Molson's strong, though, right? Isn't Molson like 9%? Higher percent. Is that by the way? Actually, no, sir. It's not. It's like, fuck off. Molson's strong though, right?

Oh, yeah. Isn't Molson like 9%? Higher percent. Is it really? Canadian beer is a higher percentage of alcohol. Canadians drink. They go hard. They do.

It's cold. Precise advice to all the people listening. Don't try to keep up with a Canadian or Shane Gillis. Yeah. Either or. Either or. I'm struggling. Those mushrooms are getting involved.

I don't feel anything yet. They're fully involved. Maybe I'll take a halfie like you did. Don't be scared. I just ate a stem. Oh, a stem's not good. Yeah, you gotta eat one of those stems. Stem cells.

Eat the other half of that chocolate I got. How much do you weigh, Norman? I think he ate it. 165, 170. Interesting. How tall are you? 5'10"? Yeah.

Why are you sizing them up? Just mushrooms. You want to go? I don't think that's like a weight. You trying to go with them? 5'10"? Yeah. Why are you sizing them up? Just mushrooms. You want to go? I don't think that's like a weight. You're trying to go with them? Alcohol is more like weight. I don't think mushrooms are. Yeah, mushrooms takes it where it wants to.

Oh, it's body mass. It doesn't matter. Oh, it is? I'm sure. Oh, boy. I mean, bloodstream, body mass. It's getting absorbed. It's going through your stomach.

I feel like some guys, bigger hits them hard. Smaller hits them hard. Yeah, it feels different. Well, also, they're inconsistent. They're inconsistent. Oh, yeah. Intensity of psychedelic experience after taking psilocybin does not depend on body mass index. Study suggests.

So what does it depend on? Childhood? I would assume that everything that you eat, they have dosages that are different for children with medication because you eat and swallow it and your body's different. I would imagine that would be the same with everything. No swallowing. I would imagine it would be the same with everything. It's certainly with alcohol.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, alcohol for sure, right? Yeah, big guys take it. Yeah, they can take it. Yeah. Yeah, it's a... Weed it's not, though, right? No, weed it's not.

You ever meet a guy who can't get high? I can't. Oh, you mean not able to get high? Yeah, it's like... Jamie can't get high off edibles. What? Dude, Jamie... Have you ever had a slice of pizza with it?

Jamie has this crazy thing where he can eat like a thousand milligrams. Okay. Come on. You can't get high. At once. I mean, to say what didn't feel a thing off of that is, that's a stretch. But, like, I didn't feel what the fuck you're supposed to feel off of. 1,000 milligrams.

You should be done for a while. You're fucked up. Yeah, you're obliterated. 1,000 milligrams. Like, you don't know how to turn your car. It starts working after 1,000, I think, for me. Diaz got me once. He gave me a 25 milligram edible, and I was like, all right, this is farther than I want

to go, but I'm doing your podcast, so fine. Yeah. And then I'm like, you ever have something nagging at you? And I was like, that fucking 25 was crooked. And then I went over to it and peeled it off. It was 250. Oh, no. Ten times a stretch.

Oh, no. Yeah. How'd it feel? Were you on the moon? I was fucked. Yeah, he broke going. I just leaped there. Yeah. Really? He broke going. Oh, no. Yeah. How'd it feel? Were you on the moon? Yeah, he broke Owen's linchpin. Yeah. Really? He broke Owen's linchpin.

He broke Owen. Whoa. Owen, like, legitimately was never the same person. Yikes. Yeah, from that moment. Yeah, legitimately. What'd you do with that 250? What'd you do the rest of the day?

I mean, I was gone there. How long was the podcast? The podcast was two hours. Then Deezer's thing was like, I'm out. was gone there. How long was the podcast? The podcast was two hours. Then Diaz's thing was like, I'm out. See you guys. I'm like, wait, what? He just leaves you. Yeah.

I probably drove home, to be honest. I probably eventually drove home, but I might have stayed with Lee for a while. At least two hours you're out of the void and you're back on Earth after about two hours. No. That void is bad. I hate that void. Those breath strips, that was the whole six hours at UFC. That's a half

of one. What a nightmare. That's one thing I don't do ever. I never did the UFC high. Ever. You shouldn't. No. You should do it once. I did. Not work it. You should come in the seats. Oh, I've done that. When I was in Austin, I was high as fuck. I went to see it in Austin. It was great.

I love going to watch. The really best place for me to watch, my favorite place to watch, is the Apex Center. Where's that? The Apex Center is a small arena

that the UFC built in Vegas for their Tuesday Night Contender series, the Dana series, and for the Ultimate Fighter. So it's a smaller cage. A smaller cage?

Yes. The cage is like 40% smaller. And there's only 100 people in the fucking room. It's amazing. Like the Pearl used to be? Dude, I saw Stipe Miocic fight Francis Ngannou. Yeah, I remember that. It was during the pandemic.

It was crazy. The one he won or lost? The one he won. Francis won. It was a destruction. It was like the finest performance of Francis' career because he was patient and just moving forward and just a systematic destruction. It's an amazing fight. But play it because it's crazy.

There's no one there. What? There's no one there. You don't hear an audience cheer and scream. It's nuts. Yeah, it's COVID. Oh, shit. Dude, I feel so lucky to have been

there during like i always feel lucky it's the only sport going on but to be there during covid like i'm the only one here like it's just me and dc and anik and the people that work the the production we're just sitting there like this is crazy we're watching justin gaethje versus tony ferguson in an arena an arena with no audience at all. It's like watching some fucking musician's warm-up set. Oh, yeah. Dude, it was incredible. It was incredible because you could hear every impact.

Wow. You could hear them breathing. You could hear them talking. They could hear you guys. They could hear me 100%. No, they could hear DC. They could hear DC. Yeah.

Really? What he needs to do is put his left foot down. His head should be on the inside. Like a fucking jujitsu roll. Exactly. Yeah, they would

hear that. They were like, you guys got to be quiet. And he goes, yep, that would work. Listen to this.

He had the bad hair. Listen, there's no audience. Look at the audience. My hands are shaking. I'm so sweaty

right now. I get so nervous. These are weird times. There's no one there. This is the heavyweight championship of the world. It's in a small cage, which is terrible for Stipe. Why do they make it a smaller cage?

Because they do it for all the fights there. It's a smaller arena. That's not good. We had a smaller cage that we used for the Ultimate Fighter back in the day when we fought at the Palm. We had fights at the Palm. The Pearl. The Pearl at the Palm, We had fights at the Palm. The Pearl. The Pearl at the Palm, right.

The Palm Casino. Why is that bad for Stipe? Because you've got to get away from that guy sometimes. Any time you can't move backwards because there's a cage there, you've got to get away from that guy. From which guy? Francis. Francis is so destructive.

He's so terrifying. It's still one and one, though, right? They never did a tiebreaker. It's one and one, right. This was the tiebreaker. This was, you're seeing Francis trained by Extreme Couture now. So he's with Eric Nixick, who's like a really intelligent, very, very good trainer. And he's got him very patient.

And he's not just charging in like he did in the first fight. He's like picking him apart. So he's chopping at his legs. I'm just talking there about the smaller octagon. Damn. Yeah, you can't be on mushrooms for this. This is a lot. But to be there live, man.

There's three people in there. No crowd. It was fucking incredible. Stipe should have gotten a haircut. 30% smaller. Stipe trains at a a haircut 30% smaller Alright Oh, that's gotta hurt

Boy, he's a tough guy Dangerous And a fireman Look at those back muscles Oh, Stipe's an animal He's the most successful heavyweight champion of all time You think? Yes, 100%

He goes down in the record books He's the guy who defended the title the most ever He's a fucking animal. He's beaten everybody. But, you know, time catches up to you. Wars catch up to you. And then Francis, who's a fucking monster. Francis is just a monster.

He was ready. He was ready. He knew that was coming. But now Francis has takedown defense. Look at this defense. It's huge. Giant. No, it's over.

And then Francis spins around and gets his back. Look at this. So this is Francis now that can grapple. And he takes Stipe down and beats him up. See, Francis, after the first Stipe fight, he really, really, really evolved. He evolved every aspect of his game.

And he evolved his grappling, and he beat Cyril Ghosn grappling with one fucking knee, man. His knee was destroyed. And he beat one of the most dangerous heavyweight contenders beat Cyril Ghosn grappling with one fucking knee, man. His knee was destroyed and he beat one of the most dangerous heavyweight contenders in Cyril Ghosn. Francis right now, it's a big loss in my mind, him going over to the PFL. It really bums me out. I understand it.

I'm happy he's going to get paid. I'm happy he's going to get the box, but I loved watching this guy fight in the UFC. He was a fucking monster. Oh, Cyril Ghosn in 60 UFC. He was a fucking monster. Oh, god damn. Cyril gone in 60 seconds. He was so good, dude. And he is so good.

Wow. It's going to be interesting. I just don't know who you're going to have him fight. Cyril gone with a win. Yeah. So that, anyway, go to the end of it just so you can see. Cyril gone, baby gone. That was Cyril gone, girl. Sorry, we're having fun.

I'm on mushrooms. If you were eating edibles... Here's the end of it. If you were eating edibles here... Who would you rather fuck? This is which round now? This is the second round. This is where he stopped him. Old Herb Dean.

Oh! Right through. Right through the defenses. Perfect left hook. Damn. How does he take, though? He's got a chin. He's throwing him back.

Oh, that hurt. I can't watch. It shows training. The training was good. Imagine if comedians had coaches. It would be so much better. It would be better. Hey, hey, there's someone in the crowd you can go to.

Exactly. You should have switched to that joke. You should have gone to that joke. Don crowd you can go to. Exactly. You should switch to that joke. You should have gone to that joke. Don't, don't, don't. That lady's going to stalk. Well, some guys

do that where they kind of hire people to work their material with them. Chris Rock always did that. He would do his sets and have a

group of guys that he paid to go over material with them. But I mean, on stage, if you could freeze a coach, he'd be like,

don't go into that now. Get cleaner, get cleaner. It's too dirty. Go hard, not go hard. I would never want that. You wouldn't want it, but it would help. It would help. Fuck it. It would help if you sucked.

If one person told me. If you sucked, you couldn't figure out what to do. But also, the Chris Rock strategy is a very good idea. Do your sets, do your material, but then have guys that you can bounce stuff off of. We kind of all do that anyway, right?

Exactly. We were doing it last night where I was talking about the cult. Yeah. We do that all the time. Oh, I know a comedian. Run jokes past each other. He's an arena guy. I'm not going to say who.

He has 10 writers in the green room after a show. They all go in the green room. They punch him up. Punch him up. They work on stuff. Wow. And he still sucks. Wow.

So I'm like, what's going on there? Well, imagine how bad he would suck if he didn't do that. Yeah, that's true. But he was good. That's the weird thing. He started out. You have to be good at the beginning to make it. You have to break through.

We'll talk later. I want to know who this is. I want to know who that is, too. Can we pause this? No, I'll tell you later. I'll tell you later. Let's pause it right now. Pause it.

Who is it? Fucked up. Dude, those things kicked in. Who is it? Those things kicked Yeah, I think it's other isn't that beautiful a city though. Yeah, it was a lot now come on Do you don't do that or 45 don't please don't do that? Isn't it a beautiful place to be like right there? No no we got Let's go Why is shit doing this?

You don't have to do a show? Chill an hour. Let's go. What show? We're not the owner. He's not going to fire us. Yeah, you can't get fired. You still humiliate yourself. Oh, yeah, yeah.

We're going to have fun. I'm going to have fun. I know I'm going to have fun. There's so many people in the lineup. You always fail. Stop telling us we're not going to have fun, Joe. I knew I was in trouble. I started yawning.

I was like, oh, boy. Hey, I'm high as shit. That's what it gets in. The yawns are a good sign. And you can taste it in the tongue. You know, you're like, mm, you got that mushroom mouth. Boy. They don't know where the yawns come from.

I've looked that up. Really? Yeah, there's a bunch of theories. No one's got a successful, legitimate science answer. They can put a man on the moon, but they can't figure out where the mushroom yawns come from? I'm not sure they did that. Did they? Oh, yeah.

Jan Blokovic. That would be my absolute favorite thing if we found out that was fake. Fuck Bigfoot. You would love that. Fuck Bigfoot. Fuck UFOs. Just tell me they never landed on the moon. No. That would be my absolute favorite thing if we found out that was fake. Fuck Bigfoot. You would love that. Fuck Bigfoot. Fuck UFOs. Just tell me they never landed on the moon. No.

I'd be so happy. We need that space program. Yeah, we do. I hope it's real. You don't want them to have gone. I don't. No. Why?

I want it to be, because I think it's funny. He spent 15 years saying, I don't think we did. Also. Best hoax ever. We haven't been back. We haven't been back. Is that right? Why hasn't everyone been there? Interesting ever. We haven't been back. We haven't been back. Is that right? Why hasn't everyone been there?

Interesting. Not just haven't been back. We haven't even gone into space like that. We've only gone to near Earth orbit. All the trips since the moon landings, all that has been inside of 300 plus miles. And no other country either. No other country. No one's done it.

Interesting. Interesting. They send probes there. But also, it's very dangerous. We did it in the 70s? It's dangerous. They did it. Supposedly, they did it seven times, six successfully. Apollo 13 was the one that didn't make it.

Russia went. Dude, I went over this for a decade. Yeah. With a fine-tooth comb. I've watched all the videos. Oh, no. I've watched all the film footage on it. Look at the shadows.

There's some shady shit. They jump and they come right down real fast. I'm glad I wasn't around for those conversations. There's a lot of weird, weird shit. Try being on radio after you've heard a story 75 times. Soleil moon fry. That's why I get good at things. I obsess. I'm sorry. I'm annoying. You? Get out

of here. I do. That one is my absolute favorite. Aliens? I think I take aliens over that, honestly. Now that I think about it, I want aliens to be real more than I want us to not have gone through them. You think you're closer to the moon one, though, than aliens. Aliens are definitely real. No that I think about it, I want aliens to be real more than I want us to not have gone through. You think you're closer to the moon one, though, than aliens. Aliens are definitely real. No, I think-

Aliens are real, but- They're in the kitchen. There's less evidence. Did you see the new footage? There's new footage of Jeremy Corbell leaked. In 2021, there was a UFO that hovered over an Air Force base. Stop. What?

Slow it down. Slow it down. You gotta stop. Sorry, I'm fucked up, too. I'm taking this in. You gotta stop. Sorry, I'm fucked up too. I'm taking this in. I can't. There's a lot going on here. Show the pictures of the UFO.

These guys, 50 guys observed this thing. Corbel. Dang it. I'm trying to process everything. He can't help himself. Corbel Chili. He's an animal. Corbel Chili?

Hormel. Oh, Hormel. Jesus Christ. There you go. I was like, am I missing that one? Is that a cultural reference that I'm not aware of? I'm not sure which exactly thing it is. Because there's articles about them from recent.

I think it's one of your security guys. The ones that just came out like a day ago. Those lines above that house? Instagram. That's definitely it. Check his Instagram. Check his Twitter. His Twitter.

Daughter's school lunch. Whatever this thing is, they've got 50 different people. I think he actually released photos of it. Pull it up, JMO. What about his? Come on, dude. That's not very good evidence. It's like three lights a billion miles away.

That's why it's fun. Fair. If you've got really good evidence, then you would be all in. I don't want to be all in. I like to be like half in. Hey, look at that background. I think that's it where you see weaponized. That's the craft. That's it. So, okay, so

it's a video. So this thing, what this thing is, they photographed it. It's half of a football field size, and it was hovering over this military base, and then it just disappeared, just jetted off. Interesting. 50 people saw it. It's half of a football field size, and it was hovering over this military base, and then it just disappeared, just jetted off. Interesting. 50 people saw it.

50? Yeah. Who are these people? Some military guys. Who are these people? The whole thing is, it's the most exciting thing to me. It's the most fun. Out of all the stupid shit that I like to concentrate on.

You'd think they would have been here by now. Illuminate the crap, but when the flares got close, the UFO vanished into thin air. Whoa. So they shot flares at it. That's probably just a jetliner. I mean, look at it. Why would it vanish into thin air? Why would it vanish into thin air?

Only magic does that. It just went further away. They used magic. Oh, what? Never even thought of the fucking magic. CNN, do not run with that. I'm telling you, that's nothing. I mean.

It vanished into thin air. Ah, you're dreaming. It probably just shot off at an insane rate of speed like they always do. Yeah. Stop. That's what they do. How many people would love a full invasion? A full landing?

How about us? We go camping. We're doing mushrooms. Aliens land. I'm dying for a probe. Put it up my ass. I don't think they do that anymore. I think that's like corded phones.

I think they got everything they were looking for. We have MRIs. Why the fuck does an alien need a finger in your ass? Good point. Good point. Just for fun. True. Something to go tell the friends back at the farm.

Yeah, all those guys that said they got probed were definitely just sexually assaulted. Very repressed memories. Yeah, yeah. A fucking alien got in there. Some fucking lumberjack fucked him in the forest. And then left you right in front of that gay bar? Yeah. And they're fucking crazy.

Son of the bitches? Somehow they're connected. Son of the bitches did that. Son of bitches. This guy was on my podcast. This is the dude, Travis Walton, from that movie Fire in the Sky. Did you ever see that movie, Fire in the Sky? He looks like the MyPillow.

That guy, there's a bunch of witnesses. They saw him get hit with some sort of a beam. They saw a craft land. They were loggers. This guy jumps out. He's a crazy fucking logger dude. Jumps out. What the fuck is it? Goes running towards it, and he gets hit with his beam. He's a crazy fucking logger dude jumps out. What the fuck is it goes running towards it?

And he gets hit with his beam. He falls down. They drive off. They get like You know half a mile down the road and they're screaming at each other. We got to go back We got to go back so they turn around and go back to go back to the spot and he's gone Five days later the guy shows up with this crazy story. He shows up makes a phone call He calls the police, calls his family. He said he got abducted by that craft, and they fixed him. They said his body was broken from the beam, and they took him aboard, and he had these encounters. And there was a movie called Fire in the Sky.

Why did it be in the first place? The movies, obviously, they took a lot of liberties with the story. Wow. Was it D.B. Cooper? Is that the guy who was in it? Oh, I know that guy. That's a different guy. D.B. Sweeney. Was it D.B. Cooper? Is that the guy who was in it? Oh, I know that guy. That's a different guy. D.B. Sweeney. Yeah, D.B. Sweeney. Whoa. He's the guy that jumped out of the plane

with the money. They don't know who that guy is. That guy's badass. That guy's a nut. That guy fucking died immediately. That guy had two broken legs. He was eaten by dogs. He jumped out into the middle of the woods with no parachute. He survived, I guess. The craziest is the cows that lose all their skin.

Oh, no, no, no. You're talking about cattle mutilations. Yes. Yeah, they don't know what the fuck that is. No explanation. Turn them inside out? They cut organs out with laser precision. They remove the blood from the body with no visible method.

That's a chupacabra. That's a chupacabra. There's weird stuff that does happen to cows. What about those images appear in a field? Yeah, what the fuck is that? Those are weird, too. No one's talking about that anymore. Acropolis.

I think people gave up on that. Those are dudes? Yeah. I think people gave up on- Landscape guys. Yeah, they gave up on them. Crop circles. They were beacons. I don't hear about that anymore.

No, you don't. Because dudes were doing it. Well, definitely dudes were doing it. Yeah. Yeah, but also some of them were a little more interesting. Yes. Some of them. There was also they were folded into place in a way where it seemed like a great deal

of energy was in the husk of the stalk. Autistic men did this. And they had blown out. No, no, no. There were some of them that they were trying to say they had, there was a way that you could do these things, but it's very clear when someone did it that way. Wow. Yeah.

Crop circles were made by a supernatural person named Doug and Dave. Intrigue patterns carved in fields across England in the 1980s were a viral phenomena long before the interest fed us such prankster curiosities daily. Yeah. The people that believe that some of them, they have something else to them. But what about the cows? Because they would pull the blood out. This is a different thing.

Not one drop of blood. Cattle mystery mutilated in the garden. Not one drop of blood. That's the weird one. It just sounds like faulty reporting when they found the cow. Yeah. I think that's more likely than an alien. People have done things.

Yeah, that is more likely. People have done things. Eastern oral. Body parts precisely removed. Like someone has cut the organs out of that cow. A weird dude is more likely. Now, if it was a person that's doing it, but the way they're doing it is very unusual. No blood?

Come on. Yeah. I mean, I don't know why the fuck aliens would do that. It doesn't make any sense. But it does make sense. They're weird. They want stuff. They want to learn. A lot of people lean towards aliens. But why would they do that?

The same reason a fucking alien would. But why no blood? You know what they had? A cow blood? Why would an alien want cow blood? To learn about our creatures. Yeah, you gotta start somewhere. Imagine if it was demons. Why would an alien want cow blood? To learn about our creatures. About cows? Yeah! You gotta start somewhere. Imagine if it was demons, but they couldn't quite, they couldn't quite, they didn't have the authority to go after people yet, so they let them have a few cows every now and then

just to keep the status quo. Cut it out, Joe, you're giving me the willies. They lived for thousands of years, these demons. And they have to feast. They really just want to torture humans and gut them and suck their blood out and leave their fucking skin carcasses. Lil Nas X is going to come up here. Yeah, they always talk about natural. Super natural. Yeah, we're blaming it on aliens when it's demons.

It's just demons. Demons practicing. They're like, okay, go take a cow, you fucking freaks. They just go practice for what they're going to do to us. Once they get the green light, once people are like

inexcusably evil, once there's just like every country is ruled by evil dictators, we're like probably that close. That close. A little more sodomy.

A little more. And then unleashed. Then we find out that Satan's real. Sodom and Gomorrah. We're going to get some good comments after this one. Satan is real, people. Golan writes,

The reports of cattle mutilations began in 1973, mostly in the West and Midwest. It was often small-scale ranchers who reported them. When local law enforcement agencies investigated, they frequently found that the cows' ears, eyes, rectums, and sex organs had been cut away with surgical precision. According to the newspaper reports, more than 10,000 of the incidents occurred by the end of the decade.

It's demons. Demons. You're fucking right. Dude, you're fucking right. It's demons. Jamie, bring up chupacabras. They just have to practice every now and then. Demon Wayans.

They want to. They want to do it to people, but God won't let them yet. Yeah, right. It's just Demon Wayans. But they need a feast. Jesus Christ, dude. You're a machine. Trying to pick it up here.

What about Target? Target started selling a devil wear. Well, Target started selling a lot of like weird stuff like tucks like where you could

tuck your penis for really, really young boys. Tucker Carlson. So people started boycotting Target now. Is that why Tucker got fired from Fox? Yes. That's why.

Now we've closed the circle. Wait, is Target selling shit for kids to tuck their dicks? Yes. Is that fake? Not fake, but it's for adults. I don't think it was supposed to be for kids. You've got to hold it with your legs. You're going to have a section with kids' stuff.

Here's where I saw it. I saw it from Dave Smith. Tickets at comicdavesmith.com. I was wrong on this one. Okay, it looks like I was wrong on this one. The tuck-friendly shit was for adults. I read it somewhere. You can never.

Okay, so it's not for kids. He's a rabble rouser, that one. He is a rabble rouse. He looks a rabble rouse. But they are. It's all together with like pride kids stuff. They have a pride section. It's hard to think of.

They're stopping selling some stuff because some employees were getting harassed by people coming in asking. Oh, damn. Go ask the employees. That's what they did with the seller when Louie came back. Oh, yeah. The old waitress was like, fuck you. It's all the same mentality. Yeah.

Gross. No tense with no idea. That's a weird one because you know Target only did that because they thought it was going to make them more money. They're a giant corporation. If they do something like that, it's because they want to make more money. So it's like that's how these marketing people that you

were talking about, that's how they think about things. They look at it through the eyes and also the eyes of the university because they just got out of the system that indoctrinates you to a very specific way of thinking. That takes a while to shake once you get out in the real world and you realize, oh, this is just as authoritarian. This is just as constrictive. Or like in college, you're like, there's so many trans.

And then you get out to the real world, oh, there's like four. Right. Like Saturn did a whole campaign marketing to women And they fucking skyrocketed in women in sales This was like in like Who's buying Saturn? Chicks dude I thought they were from Venus It was like a plastic car

Red Band had one for a long time They were very reliable He's a bitch That's a good voice That was my tough guy Sunset Comedy Club Check it out Hey, I'll dare you. That's a good voice. That was my tough guy. Sunset Comedy Club. Check it out.

Let's say beer light on your shirt. Yeah. Beer light. Beer light. That's funny. We lucked out. Imagine if it said Bud Light. Jesus Christ.

They're available now online. Yeah, you can get them online. Hell yeah. Tech Top Parks. Holy hell. Let's go. Now we're talking. That's what we are. I'll tell you can get them online. Hell yeah. Tech Top Parks. Holy hell. Let's go. Now we're talking. That's what we are. I'll tell you, Austin's popping.

You can go to Vulcan. You can go to Sunset. You can go to Mothership. Creek in the Cave. Creek in the Cave. It's all walking distance. All walking distance. Is there a comedy in another part of town?

Cap City. Yeah, Cap City. Cap City's in the domain. I hear that's great, too. They have two rooms. Cap City's good. They have a small room and a big room. Yeah, Cap City's great.

What's the small room? I don't know. I don't know. They have two rooms. Cap City's good. They have a small room and a big room. Yeah, Cap City's great. What's the small room? I don't know. I have no idea. Is there like the old place, the small rooms in the front bar? I don't know. I haven't been in a new place. The small place was the shit. That was a hot one.

That was the shit. I tried to get that place. Did a special there. Shot my special there. Rebuild the stage. Goddamn, that place was good. That was a fucking banger of a club. Still there.

Bill Hicks might have been there. Still there, just waiting? Still there. Still there. Yeah, I tried. It's tied up. Long story. I'll tell you the whole deal.

There's a lot. A lot to that story. Yeah, but you got a good location. I got the best location ever. Oh, yeah. You're going there. The universe wanted that building to have it. It sounds so stupid, but right when we got in there, everything started.

And we started the first night, I was like, exactly. This is how it's supposed to be. Dude, when you go in and you're waiting to go on and you're like,

fuck, I'm thirsty. There's like nine hands holding you water. You feel like Oprah Winfrey. You're like, oh, thanks.

Then they all go back to their fucking jobs. It's so fun to perform there. I do like to, before you go on, sit back there by yourself behind the stage. That shit's nice. Yeah, that chair behind the stage. It's the only to perform there. I do like to, before you go on, sit back there by yourself. Yeah. Behind the stage. That shit's nice.

Yeah, that chair behind the stage. It's the only club I've been to I've never heard a peep. I've never heard a talk, a chat, a heckle. Nothing. The crowd is there for comedy. They're great. Yeah. Build it, they will come.

You know, let everybody know what you're trying to do. Good, great job, man. Build it, they will come. It's a fucking fun performance place. It's exciting to have a performance place. I mean, it's a good one, man. It's a fucking fun performance place. It's exciting to have a performance place. I mean, to go up. You're like good to go perform your art. It's exciting.

You like hikes and art. He does say stuff that makes you cringe sometimes. I hate him. I just said performance. He doesn't even fucking respond, dude. I was in fucking whatever. He's in Auschwitz. I have to pee.

Give him a hard time. I got to pee, too. It's Paul's. When are you going to pee? I'm trying to outlast everybody. I don't have to pee today. This is a contest? It's crazy. I don't have to pee today. Wait, you. I got to pee, too. It's Paul's. When are you going to pee? I'm trying to outlast everybody. I don't have to pee today. Oh, this is a contest? It's crazy.

I don't have to pee today. Wait, you don't have to pee? Not today. It's weird. What? You're dehydrated. Yeah. I got to hold it now.

Guys, while I was touring in Europe, I found out about the Fourth Reich, and it's something we should all be concerned about. This will be appearing many times in those podcasts coming. The Fourth Reich. look it up. That's fun. You heard that there was a train in Austria that played a Hitler speech?

Some guy put it on on the train and got the fuck out. Pull it up. It was a big deal. I mean, on a train of all places. There's a comedian from the 60s, and he starts going like, hey, let's all get going here. And it's all to upscale people in Germany. He goes, hip, hip.

And they'll go, hooray. He goes, hip, hip, hooray. And then he goes, a couple others like that. And then he goes, sick. And they'll go, ha, fuck. And he was like, that was too easy for you guys. It's just in them you're all former

comrades yeah now there's an ice cream shop outside of Auschwitz that's killing it and all these people are pissed

because they're selling ice cream right there it's like too too nice they want them to cry yeah it's like

what the hell you go to the air get some ice cream also you know you convince some kids like just be quiet for 10 minutes I'll get you ice cream just do go to the air and get some ice cream. Also, you know you convince some kids, like, just be quiet for 10 minutes. I'll get you ice cream.

Just do this tour. Shut up. I'll get you ice cream. Yeah. Also, Haagen-Dazs sounds like a camp. Haagen-Dazs. I thought it was an eight camp. It's going to be a rocky road.

All right. I hate myself. The vibe does change when you go down to two people. Yeah. You still do this 50%. Jamie you go down to two people. Yeah. Jamie, you got to pick it up here. No, we don't need it. We got it. Come on.

Hey, who's the guy with the fucking felt hat, the mushroom guy? Paul Stamets. Paul Stamets. Who's that? He looks like a fucking mushroom guy. He's like the king of mushrooms. Can he get Xanax? I got a long Australia flight coming up.

Trying to pass out here. Look at those mushrooms. Yeah he get Xanax? I got a long Australia flake coming up. Trying to pass out here. Look at those mushrooms. Yeah. Oh, that guy? Yeah. Wow. The rare baseball cap. Oh, look at the size of that shroom.

My God. Look at that thing. What, did you guys suck each other's dicks in the fucking bathroom? I wish. Now I gotta pee. You were gone longer than you should have been. I wish I sucked his dicks. It was the total normal time to be gone.

Smell it. No, we just didn't pee in the hallway gone longer than you should have been. I wish I sucked. It was the total normal time to be gone. Just smell it. No, we just didn't pee in the hallway like you, you fucking freak. Yeah, that's why it takes so long. You mutt. You crazy person. Pissing into a whiskey bottle. I knew. But this is how common that behavior is.

I knew he was gonna pee out there. Obviously. How many times have you pissed in kombucha bottles here? I pulled a bottle into the hallway. If anything, you were like, kind of thank you for going outside. Yeah, well, I don't care if you're peeing here. If you have like a bucket or something. Man, even just half that thing.

What thing? Chocolate. The chocolate. It hits you. You're handling it very well. I hear music. Chocolate is a very... You had your dancing shoes on last night.

Joe was dancing in the green room. Get some good tunes going. Get loose. It's fun. That you had your dancing shoes on last night. Joe was dancing in the green room. Get some good tunes going. Yeah, it's fun. The green room is so special. Yeah, it's very fun. Last night, it was Roseanne, Dice, Brian Simpson, Shane Gillis, Mark Norman, Tony Hinchcliffe. Who else was there? Ahsan Ahmad.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who else was there? Derek. Derek Poston. Who else was there? I think Ma. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who else was there? Derek. Derek Poston. Who else was there? I think that was it. It was insane. It was so much fun.

It was just, everyone was, we were just laughing and laughing and laughing. It was like the best party. I think that's it. Bro, it was so good. It was the best party. It was like he was searching for a name and they're like, no, that's it. I didn't want to leave anybody out was the best party It's like he was Searching for a name And they're like No that's it

I just wanted I didn't want to Leave anybody out I didn't want to Leave anybody out Adam wasn't there That's why it was so good No dude

Adam's my favorite part I love Adam Adam's my favorite part dude So I brought him here I'm just fucking with him Of course But the party Like the hang

In the green room Was so fun The hang after was nice Oh it was so nice It was just fun Yeah It's just so. Oh so nice. This was just fun Yeah, this is so great. That place is just so like a warm hug You built a good spot. I could use a fucking warm hug, but you know what the crazy thing is It's like I didn't think it would be this

You know it's like we had something at the Vulcan and it was really cool We would do those shows there many times we do how many times did we do shows? It was a fucking great time. Great time. Great time. It was fun. Fun little hang. But then when it went to the mothership, it just bloomed. It blossomed. So some multiple places to hang, kind of like the store was. Also.

Find yourself talking next to some fucking clean glasses or something. Also, the two nights of open mic nights. Oh, that's good. And all the door people are comics. The whole thing changed. The whole vibe changed. What do you got? No.

Oh, no, you son of a bitch. Let's shotgun him. Let's shotgun him for real. You son of a bitch. All right, I'll shotgun one. Damn, all this talk about pissing me. Jesus Christ. Do you have to piss again?

No. You idiot. Not again. I haven't gone at all. Oh, then go piss. You haven't drank at all, you fucking. Do you have to piss? Yeah, you're drinking less. Do you want to piss? I do. Go ahead. I haven't gone at all. Oh, then go piss. You haven't drank at all, you fucking... Do you have to piss? Yeah, you're drinking less.

Do you want to piss? I do. Go ahead, go ahead. Mr. Europe, dude. Mr. Big Time. I won't piss then. Mr. Berlin. I'm so cultured and sophisticated, dude.

I'm going to bully you. He's bullying you. Fuck you. Fuck Europe, dude. My dad was in the Holocaust. Whoa. What's he do? Europe sucks, dude.

Fuck Europe. Fuck you. America. Fuck yeah. I can't believe we're number one, dude. America. You go over there and you're fucking European, dude. But they're falcons.

They're just state birds. Yeah. Art looks like the bird. How much longer do you think America will be number one? Oh, we got about 10 years. As long as I'm alive, dude. Turkey's coming back. Turkey? Turkey? They got about 10 years. As long as I'm alive, dude. Turkey's coming back.

Turkey? Turkey? They're making a comeback. They've been waiting in the wings. Do they call themselves Turkey? Turkey. What do you think they call themselves? Persia?

Little Persia? Turkey. Well, you know, like. Nah, we need the real version, dude. This is the real version. Nah. That's not Trey Parker and Matt Stone. That was it. That was a cover.

That was a cover? Oh, wow. Jesus, you're a connoisseur. Shannon was pissing himself when he met Trey. There's more than one version of America fucking... Imagine hearing that song and going, bro, we got to cover that. We got to do it the same. There must be so many covers of that. Every band. If you're doing a live performance, you break this out. Hand me that. We gotta do it the same. There must be so many covers of that.

Every band. If you're doing a live performance you break this out. Hand me that? Oh yeah, that's true. You kinda have to if you're a party band. Fuck yeah. We're number one dude. Fuck you. Fuck Europe. I like America. I just had to do a tour.

Yeah, right. Can't stop taking tears. Yeah, tour. Yeah, right. Cancel tickets here. Yeah, right. Oh, this is IPA. I don't like that. Yeah, right. You don't drink IPA? Likely so.

No, not nice. Are you kidding? I'll shit blood. Give me a BL. Here's a warm Bud Light. Perfect. Take a Bud Light. No, no, it's perfect.

It's warm. It's perfect. Perfect. Warm is better, too, because you won't get that headache. Yeah. Agreed. Dude, we stuck our fucking hand in the ice bath. That bone temp. Warm is better too, because you won't get that headache. Agreed. Dude, we stuck our fucking hand in the ice bath. That was hell.

We couldn't do 30 seconds of this. We couldn't even do it. You're a freak, dude. You're an alien. You are an alien. Maybe that's the time. Because you're an alien. Repressed memories.

Have you researched repressed memories? No. That's what the an alien. No. Repressed memories. Oh, that's exactly what a fucking alien would say. No. That's what the alien says? No. This feeble brain. If this is the spiling spaceships, this fucking feeble brain. You're dominating this planet. Dude, what are you talking about?

You've changed the planet. You're an alien. You're an alien. You came down. You came down. You came down. You came down. You came down.

You came down. You came down. You came down. You came down. You came down. You came down. You came down. You have a company called The Mother Ship.

It's all right there. No shit. I'm just trying for like $200 billion a year. You have a comedy club called The Mothership. It's all right there. No shit. I'm just trying to tell them I'm a fan. I'm letting them know I'm a fan. You're an alien? You came down and you're like, all right, here's the coolest thing. Stand up in UFC. Okay.

You just do them? And no one gets to do that, dude. Like DMT? Alien. Bong that, dude. America's the best. Imagine. You're an alien.

What a fucking cover. Be a really dumb dude. Oh, stop trying to change the subject there. What a cover. What's your real name Romulus? What is your real alien name though? What would it be no? You're ripped you got a huge dong you would have been taller Why didn't you get much food when I was a daily? They were like don't make him stand out, but they went to they went too low No, he's got a fit in the fucking ship Where's your pod good point He's the biggest alien.

Where's your escape pod? Good point. You're the tallest alien. That's why they sent him. Yeah. Right. And then he detached from the mission. It was just like, Earth's pretty sick.

I like staying up in UFC. And he stayed. Damn. He had two Bud Lights, and he was like, I like this place. Imagine if you really did decide that whatever does come after this is just too boring because you know it's not real. It's not real consequences. I'm fascinated by the N-word.

So you wanted to go back in time. He can't handle it. When anything gets too discussy, he's like, I haven't heard any laughs. No joke. Oh, you're really sucking that thing. He's going for it this time. You look like Hinchcliffe. Oh, man.

Everybody's always like, mention me on the pod. You're like, no, you don't want to. That's so hard to say. We'll tell Hinchcliffe tonight. Hey, we mentioned you in the show. Shane. Oh, really?

What did you say? You son of a bitch, Shane. This pot just got cooking. That feels good. It brings me right back. I was hungover. I was anxious. Now I'm even.

Now you're back. I'm back. I'm back. Yeah, I'll just now you back. I'm back Go re Do you think this will make news that you're drinking Bud Light now dude Bud Lights abandoned me? How they abandoned you they never reached out there? I would have been a nice I could have you could be the only guy that turned around because you haven't abandoned quiet I'll never leave you very America around because you haven't abandoned them.

But you're very America. You know, this is a strong stance. To really keep buying what you enjoy despite the obvious controversy that's going to come. Good for you, Shane Gillis. You're a fucking hero. Pamela! Superman!

I always hated that guy. Shane Gillis, you're a real American. That's what a real American does. No, for real. That's what a real American does. No, for real. That's what a real American does. This is alien talk. You go, I don't give a fuck.

Alien talk. I'm just drinking Bud Light. That's what I drink. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. That's like, I used to drink Zima, and people used to get mad at me. I remember Zima was the first White Claw attempt. I'm not fucking gay, dude. You drank Zima?

I love it. Dudes wouldn't allow it. Zima? Dudes wouldn't allow it. They'd go, that's gay. They shamed everybody. And they brought it back 20 years later with White Claw. No, White Claw was the first one.

Yeah, because there was Mike's Hard Lemonade. You had to twist and tease. Yeah, it saves more evil somehow. You can't shame a man with a Zima and a fanny pack. Zima McIntyre. You got nothing. Imagine a train killer walking down the street holding a Zima. That makes zero sense.

That one, I'm like, how did you even want to go for the trigger? How did you pull the trigger? It's my favorite. How did you pull the trigger on that one? Zima McIntyre. Zima Gomez. There you go. That is like Selena, Zima. I like Zima McI there you go that is like Selena

Zima I like Zima McIntyre Rita Zima Zima Zima it was a stretch oh my god

who drank Zima that's an alien move I remember the big parties they were not allowed I drank them they served that on Tatooine they taste good shut the fuck up

you're at the bar in Tatooine drinking Zima I don't give a fuck I like them. They taste good. Shut the fuck up. You're at the bar and tattooing. Drinking Ziva's. I don't give a fuck. Solo, you owe me 50 grand. I don't think I'm going to be able to do this. Yeah. Stop.

You always say that. No, I'm going to laugh. No, you won't. Just think about Tony and go. You got it. You better not make me laugh, dude. Come on. We're going to have a good fucking time.

No, I meant this. Oh, that too. You'll laugh. You'll hold it straight. You won laugh. You'll hold your straight face. America! You won't. You won't. Fuck yeah.

You won't hold your straight face. All right, think of something else. There we go. Here we go. Crystal Pepsi was big. Yeah. Remember when they- Oh, I'll tell you about Pepsi Spice.

Oh, yeah. She was on that one. Let me tell you. I'm going to tell you a story about Pepsi Spice. Oh, shit. Brian Redman had the ultimate troll. Here we go. He's going. Oh, shit. Brian Redman had the ultimate troll. Here we go. He's going.

Atta baby. Right down that double chin. You know who will fuck you up in a shotgunning contest? Who? That was pretty fast. Luke Combs. Guaranteed. Bro.

I saw him. We did one together. We did shotgun one together. Country guy. He did it in one gulp. The whole can. Honeycomb. It was extraordinary. It did shotgun one together. Country guy? He did it in one gulp. The whole can. Honeycomb. It was extraordinary. It just... Taylor LeJuan. Taylor LeJuan from Bustin' with the Boys. He's putting together like a beer Olympics thing. It's just a scam. He's the best at it.

Oh really? He's like, how good can you get? Dude, I thought... Watch this. I flew combs. Who is he? Is he the one we're all fishing in the same pond? Is that him or somebody else? Is he a singer? Yeah, he's great. He's very, very famous. He's a cool motherfucker, too. Very cool dude.

America. Fuck yeah. Combs. I'm going to save the motherfucking day. I thought you were doing that right now. Well, that is me. I do sound the same. Oh, there it goes.

Oh, you motherfuckers, dude. This is like watching your girlfriend cheat. Oh, there it goes. Oh, you motherfuckers, dude. This is like watching your girlfriend cheat. Oh, yeah, dude. That's a big roll. Fuck yeah. Ready? Three, two, one. Holy shit.

Bro. That was insane. That was a solid three seconds. You can't compete with that. Wow. I can't compete with that. That was one second, beer? That was extraordinary.

You beat me by a Tesla 0 to 60. Wow. That's alien. Alien. Next time. The reason you beat me by the quantum second. One second. It was a truly extraordinary shotgun.

That was insane. He's got to be up there with the greats. I love how calm he was. He knew what was going to happen before you knew. So he's like, go ahead, prepare yourself. It was like one of them dudes that says you want to arm wrestle, you know? Yeah. He does it every night.

Wow. Look at this guy. Oh, he does it every night. Wow. Dude. Animal. Still a lot left in that can. I haven't seen it.

I don't think so. That was froth, bro. If you could hear the sound of the empty clean. Wow. Meaty dog up there, too. Yeah, he's a good dude. He's a big bitch. Big unit.

Big fella. Fun guy. Wow. Great fucking podcast. He was ony dog up there, too. Yeah, he's a good dude. He's a big bitch. Big unit. Big fella. Fun guy. Wow. Great fucking podcast. He was on the- He was cool as hell, dude. I saw him on the Meat Eater show. What is that move?

What is that? The neck goes down. Dominant. What's dominant? He's moving, swirling. He's got moves. Wow. He's swallowing something.

Good to have you back. It was about 40 minutes ago. I was gone. I noticed that. Oh, I was gone. The pod was better. I think I announced it. Yeah, let's have your gibberish.

Get up with these stories. How about just random words? Oh, it's the perfect combination. I look forward to these like Christmas. Yeah, it's fun. This is the first one I wasn't dreading.

Fuck, last time. Really? I was wasn't dreading. You dread these? No, this is like battle, dude. You're going to get fucking annihilated. It's fun, but the party's only started. That's the party tonight. That's going to be tough.

We've got two shows. This is what we do every single time. This is the first one we've done since you started the... You're not even touching anything. What are you doing? I did 60% of that mushroom first. Why are you claiming 60 on this? I saw your 40 and I was like, I'll take the rest.

But you haven't had a beer or anything. I had a shotgun of beer and two full glasses of tequila. Oh my god, with three drinks? Oh, your voice gets real high when you glasses of tequila. Oh, my God. You had three drinks? Oh, your voice gets real high when you're full of shit. I had 60%. I had three drinks. Pay no attention to the man behind you. You didn't smoke the weed.

That's right, the weed. My people didn't kill Jesus. Ari and I are the only ones that smoked the weed. Huh? What? We bloody killed Jesus. We'll kill you, dude. Sorry, what were you saying there?

I don't remember. I don't remember either. I was American. That was pretty sick, actually. Yeah, you're American as fuck. Legitimately, the fact that you don't give a fuck and you keep drinking Bud Light despite the controversy, you're not going to bow, that's what you enjoy. Yeah, I like Bud Light despite the controversy. You're not going to bow. That's what you enjoy. Yeah.

I like Bud Light. Drink your shit. I mean, come on, man. We're all talking shit on phones that are made by slaves. It's all nonsense. Here, here. Look at these beauties. That's the only reason I talk on them.

Sweatshop. There you go. Sweatshop. Come on. That was the first time I got called gay at a bar, dude. Really? What time I drink? It's how we talk, dude.

Yeah. It's not going to truly deter me. All right. If I order a Bud Light and someone's like, where are you, gay? I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no, no. I'll suck your talk, dude. Yeah. It's not going to truly deter me. If I order a Bud Light and someone's like, where are you going? I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no, no. I'll suck your dick, dude. I'm going to fucking blow you right now, you fucking bitch.

Do you think Bud Light's going to bounce back? Yeah. I think so. I think they will with your help. I think this story is all. I think Bud Light needs to just send me fucking $50,000. Just hire Chuck Norris. Just give him a case.

Give me $20. Hire Chuck Norris. I sell 1,000 Bud Lights every weekend. Kid Rock. They should him a case. Give me 20 bucks. Hire Chuck Norris. I sell a thousand Bud Lights every weekend. Kid Rock. They should hire Kid Rock to be the spokesman. That's a lot. No, go the other way. They should.

Yeah. We talked about it last night. That would be the best. How about I say the whole commercial? The whole commercial idea. 30 second Kid Rock commercial. Let him go fucking nuts. One second before the end end Shane just comes in

and goes and me yeah there you go exclusivity inclusivity all of it together I'm also part of this

you know I like this is what it wasn't when I texted you last night about what we were laughing at last time it was the my pillow guy killing somebody

that's right he killed somebody no no no we were fucked up I was like last time we took mushrooms I was like we were dying about something and I was like it was so stupid that time we took mushrooms, I was like, we were dying about something.

And I was like, it was so stupid that I was like, I kind of remember. I think we were laughing about somebody like murdering a trans person. That can't be what we were laughing at. But no, we were laughing at the MyPillow guy being so angry about trans people. Oh, that was hilarious. He saw one. He'd be like, hey, you son of a bitch. Oh, yeah.

He smothers him with a pillow. You motherfucker. Get out of here. I remember that. That's what it was. It was his kid. It was his kid. His kid was trans.

Him killing his kid. That's right. His kid was trans. That's what it was. That's what it was. I'm Mike Rundell. That's one that you have to be there. You try to tell that to somebody? Oh, my God. We were having so much fun. I'm Mike Rundale. That's one that you have to be there.

You try to tell that to somebody? Oh my God, we were having so much fun. This is what we were laughing at. We were talking about some business owner killing his son. If his kid was trans, he killed him with a pillow because he sells pillows. Get it? It's actually funny. Nine eagles in, we were doing that.

Well, what's funny is the idea that this guy's like commentator Keeps killing his company his company just fucking die in slippers now Company transitioning how the company been hit because they've taken him out of stores right the what my pills Not in store. He's not in stores usually. Not in stores? I think he was never in stores. Am I misinformed? But how did they get hit?

They got hit somehow or another. Wait, My Pillows really? Was there a boycott of them? Is that what it was? We're just going right back to the last one. I'm just trying to remember. There was something. I just want to clarify because I already brought it up.

Oh, yeah. R.S.P. I don't know if we did. Something happened with the My Pillow guy. Well, his business has been affected by all this being connected to, you know. Pillow talk. I just like his fucking poster. He's got every commercial, he's got like Jesus and a lion.

Giant cross. Giant cross. Crucifix. Yeah, he's all in on a lot of stuff, right? Whack-a-do. Oh, he's a nut. He built that pillow in his basement. His wife left him.

True story. Over a pillow. No shit. It wife left him. True story. Over a pillow. No shit. It's going crazy. What are you doing? I'm building a pillow, honey. Leave me alone. I've got a pillow.

Imagine you're obsessed for a decade in the basement. You want to hang out with your wife. Just make it a pillow. Yeah. He's like, you'll sleep better. But meanwhile, he was right. He was right. He was right.

How was he right? How was he right? How was it how does it fuck with that guy? I know I'm sure the pillows. I don't know pretty fucking great I mean it's selling well. I think so did he get did his business get hurt by that? What am I getting up from? Advertisements or something like that like there was something like a reformed crackhead Him was he really was a drug guy, and then he found God. Here's an article in the Newsweek that says he can't get back $75 million in revenue lost due to Trump ties. That's it.

Oh, Trump ties. And that's a good invention. Oh, so he wasn't on Trump ties. He was on shelves at Sam's Club, Kohl's, and Bed Bath & Beyond, which is also now closed. Was I wrong about accusing him of doing drugs? Check out the drug history. This guy's probably the man. He might be the man.

Well, if he's sleeping in an alley for 10 years. He didn't have You're dreaming of pillows if you're sleeping on a box. In his 20s, he became addicted to and a frequent user of cocaine.

There it is. Yes. I don't do cocaine, dude. What's a frequent user? I mean, Jamie's a frequent user. Saturday? Switch to crack. Switch to crack in the 90s, like everybody.

Like Diaz. Diaz said he did crack for six months because the coke dealer wasn't on his way home. David Cross, too, loved crack. Wow. Damn, throw that out there. Really? He talked about it online. He loved crack?

David Cross loved crack? He said he did it once. He's like, I get it. I get why people are crackheads. Oh, he only did it once, didn't he? I guess he still did love it. I did crack once. Did you really? Yeah, a fan gave me Molly, and I was like,

oh, and I mean the lady went to Paris, we went to the Louvre, and I said, let's do the Molly at the Louvre. We took crack. We're in the Molly like, ah! Twe like tweaking out and looking at the statue of David shaking and drooling. You're the only person. You're the only person ever to do crack at the Louvre.

In the Louvre. I thought you had a smoke in. Well I ate it. I ate the rock. No he did it last night. Well I don't fuck never mind. Last Rock. No, he did it last night. Well, I don't. Fuck. Never mind. Last night? No, I'm saying there's Molly.

Someone has Molly. Oh, yeah, yeah. And he was, well, somebody. I have Molly. Yeah, he has Molly. But it's from a fan also. Yeah, he was like, let's do Molly. I was like, shit.

Yeah, maybe. And he was like, a fan gave it to me. I was like, no. What are you talking about? Out of your fucking mind. He's a nice fan. He looked, you know. Can't take power from friends.

David Cross talks about trying crack. With you. On Jimmy Kimmel Live. Oh, there you go. You see it's out there. We might be drunk. Let's go. Yeah, fun.

Fun episode. There you go. You doing crack at the Louvre is wild. That's hilarious. That's something you got to be proud about. What was it like? Yeah, no one's done that. It sucked.

Really? Because I ate it, which I don't think you're supposed to do. So my body didn't know what was going on, and I ran right to the bathroom. I'm shitting insane, like dumb and dumber shitting at the loose. So all these French people are like, what do we do? What do we do? Yeah, and I'm like, ah! You know, it was bad.

But I saw some beautiful art. I'm sweating. I'm with my lady. We're sweating and twitching. Staring at the Mona Lisa. I love the idea of Norman seeing art. Just go like, ah, look at that. I love the idea of a stupid watch beeping in the middle of it.

Mona Lisa. She's not that hot. Mona Lisa. The games. Mona Lisa and Traeger. What? Mona Lisa and whiskey. Mona Lisa and whiskey.. What? Mona Lisa and whiskey. Mona Lisa and whiskey.

Oh, my God. Bullshit. Mona Lisa and whiskey. That's the most Mark Norman thing you've ever said. Mona Lisa and whiskey. Oh, my God. That's a mouthful. Oh, my God.

That's a mouthful. People would be like, what? I did. That's a mouthful. She my God, that's a mouthful. People would be like, what? I did. That's a mouthful. I shouted out, she got framed, and nobody got it. She got framed. Did you shout that out? I shouted out the Louvre, and all these French people were like, shut up, you stupid American.

Oh my God, it's already on the internet. That's insane. Oh, the mushrooms are kicking in. Oh my God. I think she's hot. I would have definitely jizzed on her dress. Mark Lewinsky is fucking right. So hot.

Hotter than Hillary. Jesus. I mean, that's a fact. That'd be a fact. That's a fact. Was he the first? He was the first president to get busted. No, JFK was fucking Maryland.

Yeah, but he didn't get busted. Full busted. There was rumors. He was the first president to get busted. JFK was wild, though, because everybody knew he was fucking Maryland. Yeah, but he didn't get busted. Full busted. There was rumors. He was the first president to get busted. JFK was wild, though, because everybody knew his fucking Monroe, and she still sang in front of the wife. Yeah. A lot of presidents had...

Happy birthday. Public affairs. Yeah. Missed. And Jackie O was pretty. Jackie O was pretty. You're talking about back. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What years were those? Every single one. That was the day's 14th. Every single one. Back when people died's 14th. Every single one. Back when people died young. Shout out Sally Hemings. Let's go. Is this history?

We going history? No, I don't want to do that. Come on, history, Shay. I like Norman right now. Hemingway. I need more Norman. Hey. Keep it going, dude.

I'll take any drug of faith. You give me a drug fan, I've taken a lot of weird Viagra. Really? Yeah. That of weird Viagra. Really? Yeah. That gas station Viagra will get your heart pumping. Don't ask people to give you things. Just as a general rule. I don't want to go out and buy drugs.

Just weed. You guys, if anybody's listening, give me some fucking Viagra. Give me some over-the-fucking-counter drug station. Like Red Band used to take? That shit's bad. Oh, Pepsi Spice. Oh, yeah. Red Band.

It's one of the greatest trolls of all time. Great troll. Red Band starts. He buys PepsiSpice.com because they were dumb. They didn't know what the fuck was going on back then. He trolled you by opening a comedy club a block away. I helped him. Jokes on him, I think.

Yeah, I guess you're right. So he buys PepsiSpice.com and then he makes a whole diary of him eating Pepsi Spice and dying. Getting horrific diarrhea, blood spraying out of his asshole. They didn't think to get the domain before they launched the product. But he kept this going for months. He kept updating all these updates on his health conditions. At pepsispice.com. It's amazing.

Damn. That's so dickhead. It's amazing. That's great. It's one of the greatest trolls of all time. The company's like, can you take that down? They're like, we have no control over it. It's some guy, and he's not even looking for money.

So he had a video of him where he continued to lose weight. He's got some real humps. I'm just on PepsiSpice. Yeah, Pepsi that his peas all fucked up from Pepsi spice killed Pepsi spice was last time you saw Pepsi spiceice? It's done. I've never heard of it. He probably killed it. Damn. Fuck out this loser. It was kind of weird, though, wasn't it?

It was like cinnamon. I don't know if it's Pepsi Spice. Was it good? It might have been good. He might have fucked it up for everyone. Cherry Coke. Cherry Coke is really good. Cherry Coke's the best.

Cherry Coke is delicious. Pepsi Spice. We're a Spice Girl. Cherry Coke Spice. Pepsi Spice. She's bubbly. Pepsi Spice. She's the best. Cherry Coke's delicious. Pepsi spice. We're spice girl. Cherry Coke spice. Pepsi spice. She's bubbly. Pepsi spice. She's bubbly.

She's got great cans. Stop it. Okay, we're out of time. I just love, I love, I'll never stop. You on crack in the Louvre and be like, oh my God. Oh my God, I got to shit. Oh my God. Brutal.

Pudding floor. Imagine a reality show, a real reality show. Crack in the Louvre. And be like, oh my God. Oh my God, I got to shit. Oh my God. Brutal. Pudding floor. Imagine a reality show, a real reality show. Crack in the Louvre. Crack in the Louvre with Norman. My poor lady, she's like, I'll do Molly, and I'm giving her handfuls of crack. Street crack. Also, yeah. She's like a nice lady from the suburbs, and I'm like, here's some crack, you crazy whore.

Welcome to the Louvre. Also, welcome to the height of human culture. Also, the Louvre is not the best place for Molly. It's also the wrong place for that. Oh, really? Yeah, it's like for weed. Molly's like, you want to go sit by yourself or at a rave. Yeah, weed is a good call for a gallery.

So where do you do Molly? Molly? We could do it tonight. Oh, weed is a good call for a gallery. So where do you do Molly? Molly? We could do it tonight. Oh, it's fan Molly. Speaking of which. I'll give it a chance. Let's get out of here. Let's get a test out of what?

We got to get out of here. Let's just end it in the middle of a sentence. Right here. Damn, we just got cooking. Yeah. Thank you.