The Joe Rogan Experience - #2011 - Tony Woods

Episode Date: July 20, 2023

Tony Woods is a veteran stand-up comic, comedy writer, actor, and an original member of Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam. www.thetonywoods.com

The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day. Tony Woods, what's happening, baby? What's happening with you, Joe? Good to see you, my friend. Man, I'm glad you had me back. I'm glad you came back. It was good seeing you last night.

Because I was like, somebody said, hey, Joe got a new club. I was like, dude. And I just sent you a text like, hey, man, let me do your club. And you hit me back, okay. I'm like, all right, what's up? Yeah, I'm excited. This weekend. Yes.

That's going to be fun. It is, man. You're going to love it. Well, you done put the village right down here in Texas, man. Like back in the day when they had the comedy club here, go to the Bostonoston comedy club go to sell it go to all that that's how it is just bouncing around so but you got five clubs on one street bang but you got the yeah you got the madison square god you got the mothership yeah you got the mothership i said i said to somebody i said i'm going to austin to do the mothership he says wow

that's gonna be a long flight you flying through boston to go to africa i'm like what yeah i said africa is the mother country the mothership and then i broke it down i'm like yeah mothership you know like george clinton the, you know, like George Clinton, you know, and the parliament and all that. And he was like, I've never heard that. Well, it's new. Yeah. It's dope, though, man.

Thank you. Yeah, we've been open four months now. It's been wild. Yeah. And it's like, I see it's a line all the time. Other comedians have sent me pictures of people lined up like they're going to see Star Wars the first time. It's hard to get tickets.

People get amped up about it. It's really nice. Yeah. I like it. The green room is dope, too. Yeah, we set it up. I mean, we basically set up everything to make it perfect for stand-up. Yeah.

You know, just perfect for the comics, perfect for the staff. I've been in clubs, and they go, yeah, we put our heart and soul into this. I'm like, you guys do comedy? No, we don't do comedy, but this is our new club. I'm like, this club's... You don't know what you're doing. Yeah, I went to this one club, and they had...

This is the stage. The ceiling is like that, so it sounds like you're in a gymnasium. It's like that, and the bar is right there. And just... People ordering drinks while the show's going on. you're in gymnasium it's like that and the bar is right there and just people ordering drinks people all the shows gonna get a tear up here it's more like a dance club it looks like yeah like bandstand American bandstand something you know it'd be dope as a club well there's not a lot of clubs that are

designed by comedians yeah where the comic comes in says you know we need to fix this we need to do that we had Louie come in too that helped a lot of clubs that are designed by comedians yeah where the comic comes in says you know we need to fix this we need to do that we had louie come in too that helped a lot louie gave me some real good advice real good tips i listened to everything he said i said let's do this okay i'll do that let's he's like to make the stage in the small room smaller okay how much smaller four feet on each side chopped it up it was like right before we poured the concrete too, so they had to change the rebar and all that jazz. But it's perfect. When you, like from the stage, I give advice on, like I might, you know, you poke fun at the club, you talk shit, and like the owners always say,

you know how much money I put into this club? I'm like, yeah. You don't do stand-up, man. You don't know what you're doing. You don't know what you're doing. And when I said it people laughed but then sometimes you rip on a club because it's comfortable

and you rip on it and then they'll go and fix it like dude what you doing don't clean it up man what you doing like the punchline Atlanta did you ever do that I did that one yeah they cleaned it up they moved but it was like one of those clubs like the Ice House in Pasadena Did you ever do that? I did that one, yeah. Yeah. They cleaned it up. They moved.

But it was like one of those clubs, like the Ice House in Pasadena. They fixed that up too. Apparently it's real nice. But you would go to those places and it's just like they had a feel. They had those like the Wall and Zanies where you see those head shots from 1983. Like Desert Cup in Baltimore. It's a comedy factory. My first five minutes was on how

dusty the velvet curtain was but that was dope you come in it's like i like that yeah that and then they cleaned it up new new thing new this i'm like oh i think i'm tired of the jokes comedy is dirty son yeah some comedy is dirty yeah it's good well it's a painful thing i tell people i say uh the periodic chart the symbol for comedy is a banana peel that means somebody gotta get hurt man the crowd might laugh but somebody's gonna go fuck you how many people got fucked up over banana peels to the point where banana peels became a thing like you just know if you leave a banana pea on the ground people are getting fucked up it's like

literally the only item where if it's on the you can describe it and there was a banana peel on the ground like oh shit that's it someone's getting fucked up by a banana yeah there we go man a hundred percent of the time and then next thing you know the ambulance guy is telling you you got std well that's what it sounded like when i hurt my back that time he said you got a sciatica i'm like i knew she was dirty but it was sad because sounds like something else i just threw that in there i see what you just did yeah worked a little i a little. I can't hit myself at all. You don't like it? No. Like, yeah. Is it too much?

We don't have to wear these. We can take them off. Yeah. If you feel more comfortable, take them off. I'm good. I'm going to do it like that, man. I'm going to do it like that, man. Because I'm always the first one to feel something, like right now.

And you guys don't have it here, but we got the smoke and stuff. And they say it's the smoke. How bad is it? It's real bad, man. It's like this bad. Why is it orange? Has anybody tried to figure that out? Because you know all the conspiracy theories, Jimmy.

I know a guy. Do you know the conspiracy theories? Because apparently there was a bunch of chemicals that went missing. I know a guy. I know a guy who used to be the NBC doc. You know what NBC is? So at Camp Lejeune, the Marines have to go through a gas chamber.

Right. I'm a corpsman. So you can only do it once a quarter. But the good thing is you get a three-day weekend. So I would volunteer to do it. So I did it too many times. Not a lot, but I would, okay, maybe once a month. But, you know what I'm saying, them three-day weekends are good,

and I didn't care. Because after a while, you kind of get used to it. But when I smell that smoke, I'm like, I know what trees and leaves smell like, man, when they burn it. That's not hot. It doesn't smell like that. What does it smell like? Chemicals. NBC. It doesn't smell like that. What does it smell like? Chemicals.

NBC. It's called nuclear biological chemical warfare. And Marines, everybody in the military, you have to go through. You go in and you put your mask on. You have to, you say, I'm Joe Rogan. Because you have to be able, like, when the gas comes, you don't already have your mask on. You got to think fast, put it on. And so

as a corpsman, but you already got your mask on as a corpsman, but it's still getting in there. So for health reasons, you should do it once a quarter. You were doing it once a month. Once every other month, something like that. Just for the three-day weekends.

Just for the three-day weekend, man. You know, I understand. I volunteered because I had allergies real bad. I just for the three-day weekends. Just for the three-day weekend, man. Wow. You know, understand. I volunteered because I had allergies real bad. I volunteered to go up to Norfolk for these. They would be up there for like a week, and they give you shots and do this and do that and do this. Yeah.

And I was talking to this guy one time who was in my unit. I said, yeah, man, I went from 5'10", 6'1", in like a year. He says, yeah, would you let him shoot you up with all that shit? Who's he giving him? He's a grown man. He's a grown man. They were just trying shit out on him. I got five days off, dog.

I always thought they were doing that kind of stuff. Yeah. Like, I don I always thought they were doing that kind of stuff. Yeah. I don't know what they give people, but haven't you ever heard, there's always been stories about people giving people crazy experimental drugs. Well, in the military, you just got your gear in your hand, you just walk through, and there's a corpsman on both

sides, which is popular. Well, if I had a bunch of soldiers, especially special operators like Navy SEALs I would want them to be juiced up Yeah, I would want that everybody's used. I would I want them to be on amphetamines. I would want them to be on steroids We don't really know what we was on. We just say Take a shot today I'm just taking shots today. Hey, does my voice sound fucked up?

Does it sound like I'm lisping a little bit? It does, right? I don't know. I have an Invisalign in. I'm getting my teeth straightened out. Can we see? I can't really see. But this is the first day I've had it on.

Now that you said it, I can tell. So my question is, do I try to work through this? Because they say that eventually your tongue figures out how to talk. I don't think you sound that different. I'm getting better at it. But when I first started talking, because see, you can hear it right there. First, you can't hear it. It's like your tongue has to, even though it's the tiniest little amount of plastic,

your tongue has to figure out where that is. And then it has to kind of like pull back a little bit. It's going to change your. I'm not going to wear it on stage. That would be fucked. Impossible. Because there'll be certain things that you say. Yeah.

And so when you say them and then when you go, come on, say them like that. Yeah. So my lower teeth have always been crooked and shit gets stuck in them. It's really hard to floss them. And the dentist was like dentist was like, listen, you don't have to wear braces. You can just do this thing, and it takes a long time. It takes over a year. I don't think you sound that different. I do a little.

If you're a person who's easily annoyed, I apologize. I'm going to figure this out. You're good. I'm going to figure this out. Tony, I got fucked up by ants. So here's the fire. Oh, okay. There's the fire.

This is the map of the last day or so. Or maybe it's a forecast. Now, the conspiracy theory is that there's a shit ton of toxic waste, toxic chemicals, rather, that went missing. Remember those? Yes, sort of, yeah. And the conspiracy theory is they burned them, and that's why the smoke is orange. Where'd they burn them? Up in Canada.

But it's definitely not trees burning. It's not trees burning. Well, the thing is... And how's it going and coming? The winds. But the thing is, if you have a fire that's that big, for sure there's some stuff around the fire other than just trees.

For sure they're burning down buildings. Not a lot in Canada up there. Is that true? I believe. I mean, I remember hearing that most of the population lives near the border. I'd say it's somewhere. That makes sense. Where's Winnipeg?

It's supposed to be dead in the center somewhere. Bro, those fucking Alberta people, those people that can live up in that cold weather, those are different people. They like it. They laugh at Detroit. Yeah. They're like, this isn't cold.

You think Michigan is cold? Yeah. Come on up to Alberta. And everybody's just walking around with a Levi's jacket. Yeah. But they make,

you get used to it. Wear the right clothes. You make the most of it. It was very weird that video where they all started at the same time. What's that that where all the fires started like the exact same time it looked like a little weird pretty weird yeah and it was but i heard the explanation to that was like lightning storms which does happen what about the balloon that got shot down that sounds weirder

to me as an explanation what what are they saying started this fire? They're not. They're not saying at all? I haven't heard anybody say what started it. They just say it's a fire in Canada. Wear a mask. Dry, hot weather. Breeds more lightning. Half the wildfires are started by lightning,

but those fires account for more than 85% of the wildfire destruction. The other half are human caused. So how many animals are dead? Oh, they're pretty good at getting the fuck away. If it's just woods, I bet you'd be surprised at how few die. They're really good at getting away. This article right here just said this in April only displaced 30,000 people, so it's like there's not a lot of people up there.

Okay. But it's fucking huge, right? It's been going on for how many months now? This says as of Friday. I mean, this was... 427 active wildfires? I mean, it says this was today. Huge right it's been going on for how many months now this is on as a fragment is 427 active wildfires 232 of them are out of control 232 fires a kid or a control so we're trying to burn down Canada

They just burn until there's today run into water. Yeah Well, I think when things get this big There's not much they can do. I mean, they can do their best to try to contain it. Shutting down production of oil and gas. I mean, you haven't been back east? You haven't seen it? I heard it's horrible.

It's really bad. Yeah. It's really bad. It's going to last for a long time, too. This fire, this fire is fucking huge. I can see. It's like multiple Los Angeleses on fire. And that's how it looks sometimes.

It looks like L.A., like, it's just, it's like that. Brother, worst ever experience was Mexico City. We flew into Mexico City, and I took photos out my window. I was like, this is crazy. The amount of smoke those people live in on a regular basis, the amount of pollution there is horrible. It says, I've never seen a vertical wall of smoke like this one near Fox Creek, Alberta on Sunday. And the strangest thing about this moment was I couldn't smell any smoke.

Well, I guess the wind hadn't got to me. If the wind's not going in that direction, you wouldn't smell it. Well, he could smell smoke. It's just he couldn't smell trees burning because I don't smell trees burning. Is that what he's saying, though? Because also you do. Look at the smoke. Look at how it looks.

But that for sure is smoke, too. Those trees are burning. Yeah. What is that? Trees look pretty good. Can you imagine if it really is how they got rid of those chemicals? Yeah. They decided to light the forest on fire?

That would be the dumbest way to get rid of those chemicals ever. I don't even know, like, in what way? Like, they sprayed them and then someone started a fire? Like, why would you do that? Like, what would be, I can understand why someone would think it's a conspiracy, right? The chemicals go missing and then, you know, there's this fire and the smoke looks orange. I get how people would put those two together. But my question would be like why would anybody do that?

Why would anybody light all those chemicals on fire in the woods? Here's what it made New York City look like. Imagine like that's how they start. Somebody else might have done it. Right. Maybe. Look at that. Yeah, I mean. Imagine like that's how they start. Somebody else might have done it. Right. Maybe. Look at that. That's bonkers.

But imagine that is how you choose to get rid of chemicals. Like it's not, you know what I mean? Yeah, that's why I like it. It doesn't make any sense. It fucked up everybody. Fucked up everybody. And you're lighting, you have to be the craziest psychopath of all time. You're lighting the woods on fire to get rid of some chemicals.

I'm thinking maybe it wasn't their woods that they set on fire. Somebody else's woods. No, someone else from somewhere else. Someone set someone. Yeah. Yeah, maybe. We'll get those motherfuckers. Right, but why the chemicals?

That's the question. Like, if it is the chemicals, what kind of conspiracy is that? Go to 4chan. Wasn't it here where the balloon was? Remember the balloon? The balloon was like... It was right in that area. Where was the balloon flying over?

There was a few places. It started in the Northwest and started making it across the country, I think. They said they had a bunch of those while Trump was in office, and they didn't tell him about it because they were worried he was going to shoot him down. Well, they also showed that laser, that footage of that laser shooting down on the Hawaiian coastline.

Yeah, what was that? That makes me think of the fires. It's like, whatever that is. Oh, God. Imagine if they could just light the fucking woods on fire to make us comply. Yeah, I don't know.

Stay in your homes. That makes no sense, too. Download this app. Why? The woods are on fire. You must now download this app. Put it in your fingerprints. Download this app. Why? The woods are on fire. You must now download this app. Put it in your fingerprints. We got to make sure that we track all your matches purchases.

That's the next thing they're going to do. It's kind of crazy that you could just buy a lighter. Like anybody could go buy a lighter and start lighting shit on fire. Just can't take it through TSA. You can't take a lighter through TSA? No. Really? Really. Is that new? No.

Matches though, right? Yeah, matches. But if it's sitting in your carry-on, they take lighters. You ever see that little bucket of lighters? Yeah. You can take disposables. Disposable and Zippo lighters without fuel. Oh, without fuel. Oh, you have to take...

But disposables are this. This is a disposable. Lighters with fuel. Yeah. Oh, you have to take. They took my really nice Zippo. But disposables are this. This is a disposable. Lighters with fuel are prohibited in checked bags. Checked bags. I don't know. Okay. Disposable and Zippo. So the Zippos without fuel are allowed in checked bags.

How do you know that doesn't have fuel? And disposables are allowed in checked bags. So that's checked bags, though. The one they took from me was a gift. Right. I didn't put the stuff in it yet. It was like in a gift box. You know, it's a little... Oh, really?

Yeah. They took that? They took that. Oh, that's dirty. I don't think they're supposed to take it if there's going to be fuel in it. It was brand new. Yeah, I don't think they're allowed to take that. I think they fucking robbed you. Yeah, they're like, look what I got. I came up. Final decision rests with the TSA

officer on whether the item is allowed through the checkpoint Exactly. Yeah, some of them are cool. Some of them are not I remember when they made pool cues illegal You couldn't take a pool cue on board, but you could take a skateboard I'm like, you're not gonna fuck you up with a skateboard You know you get a little more speed to it You can take an umbrella. You can take a fucking cane. Yeah, both of them.

A cane? You could fuck somebody up with a cane. There's a lot of canes that have swords in them now. Yeah, my mom got that one. That one's crazy. Yeah. Some dude with a limp and a cane. No, somebody gave it to her, but you didn't know.

She didn't know? No. Just happened to twist it, and I'm like, whoa. She? Yes. Oh, no. She's got it at the house right now. That's nice. You see your mom on the porch sharpening You don't know you fucking way at carrying a sword that's some next-level shit an undercover sword in a cane What's the name of the place?

The book the place used to go get like ears pierced and they they were in the mall oh right right right Spencer gifts Spencer's yeah yeah somebody ever came from Spencer's Wow and Spencer gifts cane have sword it they're selling weapons well this was back in the 80s you could do shit like that she needed cane in the 80s? You could do shit like that? Not in the 80s. I shouldn't need a cane in the 80s. This was... It had to be the 2000s. I remember you used to be able to go to Chinatown

and buy throwing stars. The little... Yeah. Remember those? Yeah. We still have throwing stars. We go out to the woods and fuck trees up.

There's a comedian who used to have those stars. Really? His name was Willie Robocop. He's a comedian from D.C. but he lives in London. And did he do something with them on stage? No, off stage he had the stars.

Him and another comedian got into it one time and he had those things out. Oh, Jesus. They didn't throw it, though. That's a scary proposition, though. A dude who's really good at throwing stars. They roll out a little belt or something. Jesus.

Yeah, I'm all around your waist. Big shout out, Willie. He's got them all around his waist. But I think he's a martial arts guy, too. You ain't seen him before. He makes noises and stuff like. Okay. Yeah. I haven't seen that guy in forever.

He lives in London. Willie Robocop. He did I Am Robocop. Yeah. Is he still doing stand-up in London? Yeah. Interesting. He's all over the UK.

You ever do over there in the UK? Yeah, I just did the O2. I did the arena up there. It was fun. Boom shagga. It was fun. I did the O-pub when I was... Yeah?

Yeah. I've seen more of England than most English people, just on the train going here and there, little small towns. Yeah? I've had a good time, though, man. I guess that was in, like, the 2000s. Did you do comedy in those small towns? Yeah.

How was that? Because they had these things. They had jonglers back then. Jonglers? Jonglers. There was a chain of them. And then they have the comedy store. There's a chain of those.

And then they have this slug and lettuce. We have slug and lettuce here. It's like a little, like a restaurant. Okay. And so, boom. At that time, they were having comedy six nights a week all over the country. Just at some pub somewhere somehow wow just hop around yeah me will sylvance uh all those guys from over there we just go over wow

modi uh who else you know a lot of those guys uh patrice everybody we all school because the uk tours the UK tours it sounds good but it was it was the same as doing North Carolina and Georgia the Holiday Inns

that's what we're just running around from spot to spot everybody just talked different how did they receive the comedy? they loved it

yeah cause the first time they saw us was with me Red Johnny and the round guy Dave I remember those guys

yeah Dave and what's his name Ian First time they saw us was with me, Red Johnny, and the round guy. I remember those guys. Yeah. Dave and what's his name? Ian. Edwards? Ian Edwards, Renee Hicks, and Suli McCullough. And we all went up to Edinburgh to do the Edinburgh Festival. So that was dope.

You do that before? No, never did that. Yeah, it's wild. It's like 30 days of just. Really? Every kind of show you can imagine. Yeah, it's wild. It's like 30 days of just, ah! Really? Every kind of show you can imagine. Mm. Yeah, but it's fun. Ari loves it.

Yeah. Ari goes, like, every year. Who else? What's the other guy? Matsker. Kurt Matsker. Yeah. He goes a lot, yeah.

Yeah, he's perfect for that, too. Yeah. Because it's August, but it's rainy. It's cold. You're like, I'm ready to get out of here. As a matter of fact, me and Greer had a show across from the president when we were there. This is back in the day. The president of Ukraine.

Zelensky? Yeah. He had a show up there. Me and Greer's show was here. His show was here. That was when he was a comedian. Yeah, and the show upstairs was The Puppetry of the Penis. Oh, that's right.

And they would play piano with their dicks. Yeah, they'd do that. And then after that, all the women come down. Isn't that wild that that guy's the president of Ukraine and they're at war with Russia? Yeah. That guy. He did a show with them. Yeah.

Well, I didn't do a show with him. His show was right over there. And we all hung out together. How crazy is that? You were hanging out with the president of Ukraine. The future president of Ukraine. Yeah. Well, I didn't do a show with him. His show was right over there. We all hung out together. How crazy is that? It is. You were hanging out with the president of Ukraine. The future president of Ukraine. Yeah.

Imagine all the people who said, man, he's smoking Newport's with that dude. Now he's the president. Or talking about Obama. Man, that dude, he's smoking Newport's behind his head. The president of Ukraine is a fucking comedian. Wild. Yeah, never mind what I'm saying. I was thinking about the spaceship up there.

I remember one of the presidents that we had here, and he was doing like a tour at Air Force Base, and the guy says, this is a stealth fighter. He goes, yeah, it's invisible like Wonder Woman's plane. You don't remember he said that? No. He said that.

Well, he's incorrect. Yeah, well. He says, they call it the stealth fighter because it gets invisible

like Wonder Woman's plane. Yeah, you just can't see it on radar, but you can look at it. It's right there. I wasn't impressed. The Wonder Woman plane would go transparent so you could see the clouds.

Yeah. That's next level shit. They're going to do that for sure because they already have clothes that can do that. They have a cloak that you can wear, and the cloak will transmit an image of what's behind you. Ever seen that? Yeah, so like a silk screen. Yeah, like an LCD or LED screen. It's really interesting.

They figured out how to do some weird stuff that makes it look like someone's invisible and things are invisible. And it seems like a matter of time before they can apply that at a higher level. Like, look at that. That lady's, like, standing right in front of something. Did you ever do Bruce Harris Club before it was the Stardome? No. Before it was the Stardome, he had a...

whatever the screen is. Can you keep that up? What is that object she's using to do that? Is that a thing she's holding in front of her? Yeah. It seems like she's holding a screen. A sheet. Yeah.

And it looks like she has... Little crystals on it or something? It looks like she has camo pants on. So that's a little misleading. So she's got camo pants on standing in front of that tree, and then the thing is showing the image of the tree behind her. Wow. Yeah, they could apply that to a plane.

For sure. And then, you know, with the stealth technology. The Predator did that. Remember the Predator? Exactly. Yeah, that's what he did. That's exactly the thing. I'm like, yeah.

Thing on his wrist. The language. The alien language. Boy, if that's what the aliens are like, we're fucked. Yeah. But he was just on a hunting trip. Yeah. He was no different than you.

He was just going to kill some animals. Yeah, but he's just taking their heads. yeah he was no different than you he was just going to kill some animals yeah but he's just taking their heads he's just rude I eat him doesn't even eat him kills all those

nice people doesn't even eat him what's with what do you think about like big game hunters like the people who go to Africa

Africa's a very complicated situation yeah because Africa has more Like do people go to Africa? Africa is a very complicated situation. Yeah. Because Africa has more wild game right now than any time over the last few decades. And the reason why they have that is because they made it very valuable. So these people set up these large wild game camps and people from all over the world come there and they pay a lot of money and they hunt and they can hunt anything wildebeest giraffes right they can't bring it back with them and they can they can eat the meat while they're there and they'll donate the meat to the villages

which they very much appreciate my friends have been over there said it is actually a very nice feeling what about like lions they don't do that nope they don't eat the lions no lions is just it's just like to say you hunted a lion the the thrill of hunting a lion you know and then there's the conservation aspect of it they do have to kill a certain amount of lions so they have a population control that they do so like when they remember when cecil the lion got killed and everybody freaked out they shut down hunting, and then they had a surplus of lions. And then lions were killing too much antelope and ungulates. So then they had to send in hunters, like professional killers, to kill the lions. Do you remember this movie that Kurt Douglas was in?

Yeah. The Ghost in the Darkness. So come to find out, that's a true story. Yes. And they did the thing on the lions. And one of the lions, he had an injury. He had hurt his jaw, his tooth or something, like a real bad. Like a bullet hole? No, like biting something big.

He broke a tooth. And so that's why he was hunting humans because. It's easier. Yeah, easier. It's like eating cotton candy as opposed to that. Right, eat the rhino. The other one was fine, but I guess that was like, all right, man, you're on this special diet. I'm on it with you, son.

You know what I'm saying? Let's go get these motherfuckers. Well, once you eat us, it's probably so easy. If we don't taste absolutely terrible. Yeah. The lion pear was said to have killed 135 people. Boom. Holy shit.

1898. And tell them why his, because one of them had. Yeah, right there. So his little lion breath probably stunk like shit. Stunk. It said the Sabo man-eaters are the most widely studied man-eating pantherine cats. Given their behavior of hunting humans as a pair, as well as dental injuries, reported in one of the lions,

a cause commonly attributed to big cats turning to humans as prey. And these dudes was weird, too, because they didn't have mane. They were both males. Oh, like that? Is that what they looked like? Yeah. Wow. How come they didn't have manes? Yeah, so they were equivalent of a guy with a big butt.

Duh! You know what I'm saying? But why didn't they have manes? I don't know. That's so strange. Yeah, these two dudes was, the poster boys were strange. Does it say anything about why they didn't have manes? That's so fascinating.

Yeah, no manes and his breath. I thought all the't have manes. That's so fascinating. Yeah, no manes and his breath. I thought all the males had manes. And these two dudes, so they were already outcasts, no manes, bad breath. Yeah, they got nothing. Just go down to the railroad track and eat some dudes.

Imagine you're spending your whole life trying to kill a zebra. They're fast as fuck. You got to sneak up on them. You got to get them. And then you find these people like, oh, Jesus. Yeah. They can't even run.

They'll stumble over their own feet. They're wearing shoes. You just take them out. And like, oh, my God, this is so much easier. We can get fat. Yeah. And no work. They don't have to run.

No work. No work. No work. It's just like. They can't even see at night. Yes. These morons. And they were all railroad workers or something like that.

Yeah. And shit. You just wait until someone has to piss. Yeah. Savo males look different as well. The most vigorous Serengeti males sport large manes, while the Savo, they have short, thin manes or none at all. It's all about water, Patterson says.

Savo is hotter and drier than the Serengeti and a male with a heavy mane would squander his daily water allowance by simply panting under a bush with none to spare for patrolling his territory, hunting, or finding mates. Oh, wow. That's why they was rocking ball heads. That's wild. I did not know that.

So are there lions like that right now that are there? See if you can find like male lions out there with no manes. Wow. That's interesting. I didn't know that existed. Well, have you guys been watching Chimp Empire? Yes.

I have the guy in it who directed it. Yeah, well, how many years did that take? Oh, look at them. Oh, well, here's the deal. They had set up, scientists had set up research there 30 years ago. So they had been continually studying these chimps, and they had, like, very specific rules of engagement. You can't ever eat in front of them.

You can't be closer than 20 feet. Or was it 20 yards? 20 yards. You can't be closer than 20 yards. They were right there with them. So they're right there with these chimps, man. And so they're, there with these chimps man and so they're like filming everything and the chimps get accustomed to the people being there because the people never interact with the chimps and if the chimps walk towards the people the people just

back away and again you can never eat in front of them ever i tell you steal your food and fuck what blew me away was when they ate monkeys oh yeah, yeah. I was like, dude, that's okay. They ate a lot of monkeys. They was like. Yeah, David Attenborough, I think, was the first guy to capture that on film on the BBC. And I remember watching that. And you see this little monkey and he's still alive. And the chimp is eating him from like the asshole first.

And I always thought that they were like vegetarians. I thought they were like gorillas. Gorillas don't eat meat. No, they don't eat meat. I thought it was just a baboons. I thought they were the only one who ate. Yeah, I didn't know either until I watched that documentary, but they eat a lot of monkeys.

And this is one of the things that he was kind of like reluctant to talk about, the director. I'm like, how often do they eat monkeys? He's like, every time they can. Every time they can. It's like, with us, it's like fast food, like literal fast food. There you go. There you go.

It's just. I was thinking they ate them because they had tails. So they don't consider them apes. I don't think they have morals. Yeah. I think it's just survival. You'll want to eat somebody from the ass back. And the way the monkey was screaming.

They're so close to us. So when we see them getting eaten, even though we're getting eaten by something that's even closer to us, it still is like, what? But people eat monkeys. That's a lot of the tribe's people. A pigeon eating chicken. Right, right. Or chickens eating birds. They eat birds.

Well, I guess birds of prey eat other birds too. Oh, yeah, all the time. Yeah, I mean, there's crazy videos of seagulls. Seagulls, they're just swallowing whole pigeons. Have you ever seen them do that? They swallow ducks. Yeah, they just... Just...

Pelicans? Pelicans swallow ducks. I know pelicans are that big. Pelicans swallow seagulls. Yeah, pelicans are big as shit. They're so big. When they swallow shit, it's crazy because the thing realizes that it got caught. You see it moving around inside of its mouth and it can't do shit about it.

See if you can find, like, pelican eats pigeon. What about on that Chimp Empire when they got the leader? They got him. Yeah. And all his boys ran. Yeah. Look at this yeah Jesus Christ look at this throwing that thing back oh he's still scratching yeah well it's still in there yeah oh he's in Central Park somewhere I don't know where that is yeah it looks like people just walking by. Look at that.

Look at him forcing it down. That's crazy. Get in there, bitch. That bird's moving around inside of his neck. Have you ever seen a seagull eat a rat? Ever seen a seagull eat a rat? That's more impressive. Seagulls eating rats, it's wild. They just throw them all back.

Seagull eats a rabbit, rat,'s more impressive. Seagulls eating rats, it's wild. They just throw them all back. Seagulls get them. Seagull eats a rabbit, rat, pigeon, squirrel? Let's go with rat. It's the most disturbing. My voice does sound a little fucked up. You're good. I think I'm going to have to take these out. Oh, is that cat going to eat that bird?

No, this is a seagull that's going to eat a rat. Look at him throwing this bitch back. Look at it. Just throwing it back. Come on. Yeah. It probably tastes nasty, too, and he's like, Jesus Christ, I can't believe I'm doing this.

Yeah, how long do you think you can eat, swallow a rat's hole and live? I mean, how many of those can you eat before your whole body is just filled with toxins? And that rat was dead. Oh, yeah. Probably for a long time. And probably dead with poison. Poison, yeah. Yeah. That's one of the things

that happens at the Hollywood Hills. They kill a lot of owls inadvertently because they're poisoning the rats and the rats are running around. The owls eat the rats owls get poisoned they had a we have overrun of rats in DC just and the rats behave like squirrels they just pop out they don't give up yeah and but people are training their dogs do you have two rats to go after it I know you guys seen that video Yeah, but your dog could get rabies your dog at all kinds of shit

I mean most likely won't most likely your dog will fuck up a rat Yeah, and they're saying for people to please curb your dog because the dogs eat dog food Which is high in protein and the rats eat. Oh Well, this hawk got that rat Hawks are fucking awesome. Yes, this hawk got that rat. It's still fucking running. Hawks are fucking awesome. They're so awesome. He just starts ripping it apart.

There's a ton of videos of eagles killing birds. Oh, boy. Play that again. Play that part again. Mama! Off with his head Oh Give me that bitch

Jesus Christ He's going Yama de yama There's no morals Involved in this There's no thinking No nerves No remorse

That's gotta be A hard way to go to That's a hard way to go Cause you're in shock All of a sudden These giant hands With claws That dig into your rib cage, and you already know you're dead.

That thing's grabbing you, and it's flying off with you. You already know you're dead. You're suffocating because he's way up there. Well, you're bleeding out from your ribs, too. You've got holes in your ribs now. You've probably got a punctured lung. They're crushing you. Just go ahead and eat me already, motherfucker.

Jesus Christ. On my way here today, a bird dropped out of the sky when I was at a red light. And I was like, what the fuck was that? Tesla recording. Let me find out later. Oh, wow. I think a bigger bird got a bird. And its friends were trying to get it back.

And they dropped it. The bigger one just dropped it. Whoa. Because I could see other birds flying around as I went by. Yeah, bird on bird warfare is going on all the time. They do that. Like, if you just throw out stuff for the seagulls, you give it to one of them, and they go,

no, bitch, give me that. Yeah. And it's just like the old fighters. I was watching a bunch of crows chase off a hawk. There was all these crows that were, like, swarming in on this hawk, trying to get the fucking hawk out of there. Because the hawk will eat their babies.

Get out of here, bitch. But hawks, they, as far as flying maneuver, they can, or is it the falcon is the one who can maneuver real good?

They're really fast. Yeah. Falcons are really fast. Yeah, where's the hawks? They come in dive bombing like 200 miles an hour. A hawk's more like a vet. Right.

Just, yeah. But he can't. Yeah. Well, they just swarm on him just with him until he quits until he's burning off so much energy and he's so word out he's like i'll go find something else to eat have you have you have you ever done uh the the comedy festivals in australia no man so it's me and al lubell. You know Al Lubell? Yeah. We walk, and it looks like on Batman, you know, when they do the bat symbol?

Uh-huh. Because you're just looking down at the ground. We had no idea about the fruit bats in Australia. You know, they're like this big, right? So you walk, and it's just like, you see that, like, must be a nightclub or something. And then you see a whole bunch of them. They look up, like, Al, you see that, must be a nightclub or something. And then you see a whole bunch of them. They look up like, oh, look at that. And me, Al Lubell, Greer Ball, I said, Al's freaking out.

It's cold over his head. And they were just swimming by. Look how big they are. They're like chihuahuas. Are they really that size? They are big. Look at this big muscle. Oh, my God.

Is that person holding one? And they're right in the city. Scroll down a little, Jamie. No worries. See, they're right in the city. They're not. Look at the size of that thing. You don't have to go to the woods to see these motherfuckers.

Look at that guy holding one, the lady holding one on the top. Look at the size of these things. Look, and that's right at her house. That's not in the wilderness. That's right downtown Sydney. Wow. Oh, my God. Yeah. What do right downtown Sydney. Wow. Oh my god. What do those things eat?

Fruit. Look at them. Jesus. Literally like flying chihuahuas. Yes. Australia is a wild place. So we were there and they have a big gala for the comedians. And it's

right in Chinatown. And they say, hey, be careful because the triad is over there, the little gang members. But they dress like they're in a video. They don't look like they should fight with what they got on. They got little suits and shit like that. Okay. So me being the big, tough American, I'm like, yo, I walk into the car. Because she has a train on her dress and everything.

It's a black tie thing. Right. And we're walking to the car, and I saw the biggest rat ever coming down the alley. He's just galloping right towards me. I'm like, yo, look at the rat. Yo, look at the rat. And she goes, she looks over, and she goes, aw. But by then, Tony was gone.

And she's just, I can't believe you ran. I can't believe you didn't run. What the fuck? I didn't know. It was an opossum. Their possum. Oh. So he's like a giant monkey rat.

Yeah. And he's coming down the alley. And I'm trying to tell her, like, come on. Come on. Come on. And she's more worried about her shoes and shit my dog got one of those in the yard the other day and it played dead he just left a real possum yeah yeah they they have the creepiest faces like but they do they do play possum yeah they play pop and it

works I watched a video the other day of one getting attacked. Australian possums. Yes, that's him. Yeah, that's what she said. She said, aw. That's a cute little guy. Fuck that dude, man. He has a little pink little nose. He was coming down the alley.

He was coming. Running at you. Yeah, yeah. That's pretty big. That's pretty big. Oh, yeah. And it's dark. In the alley, it's dark.

It's dark. It's dark. A giant rat. Yeah, a giant rat. Jesus Christ. Look at his eyes. Look at his eyes. Look at his eyes. A giant rat. Yeah, a giant rat. Jesus Christ. Look at his eyes. Rabies.

I'm going to get rabies in London. Fuck this. I told her, I said, I'll fight them dudes. I said it out loud. I'll fight them dudes. She waited right until the last moment and looked over and go, aw. Aw. Tony was gone. Peace, aw. Aw. Tony was gone.

Peace, bitch. I saw a video of a coyote. He gets a possum. The possum plays possum. And while the possum's laying there, the coyote pisses on it and then walks away. You left it there. Why'd you do that?

I don't know. I guess he's just like, wanted to like, killed it. He's like, good, I got it. I'm gonna just leave it there. I'll eat it later. Let it rot out a little bit. So he snatches it. And it just plays dead. It stops moving.

So he's like, oh, all right. I guess it's dead. So he moves it around a little bit. It's playing dead. So he thinks it's really dead. So he pisses on it. Just to mark it Yeah watch

Gets over it He's like okay This is mine bitch Somebody comes by I'm gonna let these Motherfuckers know Should I piss on my food Yeah I probably should

Let me piss on it real quick He's just pissing on his food He's just killed it He's labeling his lunch He's pissing on his lunch Maybe that helps the The food break down. Maybe it's a marinade of some sort.

Does he get up? Does he leave after that? He just left it there. Because that's what they do a lot of times with cats. They'll kill them and then they'll come back later and eat them when they're stiff. I think they like them a little maggoty. When they stink. I think, well, a lot of animals do that. They bury their food after they kill it.

Because I guess it's like curing meat or something. Well, I would imagine it gets a lot more moist or a lot more tender if all the meat is breaking down. It's not as gamey. I think they're probably just using it. Well, I mean, maybe they develop a taste for it. Well, who is this animal? Someone entered the other day?

He's like just the baddest little dude. Honey Badger. You ever see one of them? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I saw Honey Badger. He fights a lot. He's just an asshole. He's just a bad little dude.

Ferocious little animal. Yeah. Yeah. This is good, man. Because I have problems with animals all the time. You have problems with animals? They just, I don't know, man. Because I have problems with animals all the time. You have problems with animals? They just, I don't know, man. I got attacked by, like, what's it called? Pygmy goats?

Really? Goats are mean sometimes. This was, like, a children's thing. Yeah. And we're in London, and it was kind of embarrassing. As a matter of fact, it was me, Brad John, eating around guy, and Stu Kamens. And we're in the Children's Zoo of London.

And we walk by. I'm the only Virgo. And this little monkey jumped on the thing. He just started screaming right at me. I'm like, really, dude? You going to do that? You going to fucking do that right here? You going to fucking do that, you bastard?

And then we go to feed the little goats, the little pebbles. fucking do that right here. You're going to fucking do that, you bastard. And then we go to feed the little goats, the little pebbles and I had on these red Nikes and every little goat and that motherfucker just started going crazy. Then again, I was the asshole again because I kicked one. And then they knew

you kicked them and so then they came after you? The kids were like, the little kids, because the goats were just making a beeline for my sneakers. Trying to eat them? Just- Fucking with them? Yeah, just chewing on them and just fucking with them, yeah. Red Johnny was crying.

Because you're like, he does this when he laughs. I saw him the other day. He looks like Miami Vice. What's he doing these days? He's Bender. You didn't know that? What do you mean? He's Bender. What does that mean? Futurama. Oh.

He's been Bender the whole time. I don't even... What's Futurama? It's a cartoon. The cartoon, right? I never watched that show. I heard it's really good. When you hear his voice, you go, oh, shit. See, look at Johnny. Oh, look at that. They were funny together, man. Red Johnny and the Round Guy, it was a funny combination, too.

Yeah, if I knew it was going to be this type of party. Remember when I used to say that? Yeah. It's funny when you know guys as long as we have. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Look at him.

Kids. I mean, Tony, I've at him. Look at him. Kids. I mean, Tony, I've known you for like 30 years. Yeah, I was- Isn't that wild? What was it? When I first came to New York, I was at 91. I just, 91, I just come, I just got released from military. And that one week I did a Caroline's Comedy Hour

and Def Jam. Wow. And I was like, boy, this Caroline's going to work out for me. I had no idea Def Jam was going to blow like that, man. Yeah. Well, yeah, speaking of animals, I had done something on Showtime. It's called the Leslie Nielsen National Lampoon Comedy Playoffs. And they pick a comedian from all over the country, go out to Vegas.

We stayed in the Sahara Hotel because my last name is Woods. I had a suite. So the other guys had a regular room, but I had a suite. But on that show, I tell a joke about Bigfoot. I never saw Bigfoot, but I was, when we were on training,

you do these training where you go make maps and all this shit, and we heard him. You heard Bigfoot? Heard Bigfoot, heard him. What's it sound like?

He, I could still do that. He does that, but he, everything you see on them stupid TV shows, that happened. He threw a rock,

all the animals started running. And the Marine, because, you know, he's the guy who knows where the markers are, but we didn't know where the markers were. He's the one who says,

hey, we're out of perimeter. Have you guys ever heard of Bigfoot? He was Native American. But he just said that. Where were you guys? What state? Like Nova Scotia.

Nova Scotia. Where they do cold weather training. Hmm. Yeah, and you have to make your own map. You sure they weren't fucking with you? I'm pretty sure. Who threw that rock? Somebody that was fucking with you?

No. No? Why you fucking with the animals too? All the animals ran too. Remember how you said they know how to get away? All these fuckers just did a little mass exodus. And it's an old it's a own. I'm very skeptical of Bigfoot.

I've never seen him, but I never heard nothing like that either. So what, if you had him, did it sound like a. It just sounded, it, it, it was a. What was it similar to? You ever hear Luther Vandross sing live? Nah. Like when you hear him on a record, it's one thing. But when you hear him live, he's like that.

He didn't sound like that, but it was the same power. Power, like hair on the back of your neck kind of. What the fuck? Well, you know, bears do that sometimes. Bears, especially when, what time of the year was it it was it was winter because you listen to the wind is like it sounds like a train coming you have to determine where the wind is coming from and I get like on a tree or something because a lot of the icicles are coming like darts oh wow Jesus and night, we were joking about it.

I was joking around about it and everything. And one of the officers says, you know, this is a facility and, you know, we don't... I heard you're a comedian. We don't make... Basically, you can't go on stage and go, hey, guess where I was at. So I just... I was just... In the joke, I'm just camping and we...

Oh, I see. Yeah. But there's nobody's in the joke I'm just camping and we oh I see yeah but there's nobody that's in the military but we and in the joke I actually do see Bigfoot it's out

so tell me so how did it happen what was going on what were the circumstances lay it out for me okay you have

you get cause it's cold and it's raining so we like, you get, because it's cold and it's raining and so we're like in a little circle and it's kind of raining, kind of sleeting and we're talking about,

you know, we're going to do this and do that because we're comparing shit and everybody's fucking up. We found our third marker first. Like,

it's supposed to be like a two or three day thing, right? And a good team's like, you do it in the classroom for a couple days and then a team goes out, a team comes back, a team goes out. And some of the guys who weren't as good as us in the classroom were coming right back in two days. They just spent the night, spent one night and came back.

Shit, man, we was on our third day, dog. And then our first marker was the third marker. But he couldn't help us. But then after we heard that, he's like, look, you guys fucked up. Because we all. So how long did it take in total? We left right after that, dog. He told us.

He didn't want to be there the morning we wanted to be there. So, yeah, it's a lot of fudging going on oh okay so you said yeah good enough it's good enough so you guys were out there and like explain to me what happened and who was telling you that it's bigfoot well we all heard it when everybody's like what the fuck and then everything's running deer and everything's just like scurrying but we heard you know how you throw a stick through the branches uh-huh it's still like it's just like scurrying, but we heard the, you know how you throw a stick through the branches? Uh-huh. He just throws, like, it's just like a big something just flew through the trees.

And then that's when he's, he's kind of, you know, and of course we're like, fuck out of here. Right. But it was, it was just, it was just too weird to, and then he was like, yeah, you guys missed your other markers. I might know where they are. So we just kind of went and got on our markers and went back to the base. Because we're out, dude. We're out like 20 miles. Out there with Bigfoot.

Well, I wasn't really worried about Bigfoot because from a corner of that dude, Bigfoot don't bother you. I was worried about the other animals. So that dude's seen Bigfoot before? I don't know if he's seen him before, but he just said he just lets you know when you've gone too far in the woods.

Really? I want to believe this. Nobody ever says that he grabs you and do nothing. He just does warning things. Just like on those stupid TV shows. You ever watch those shows? Oh, yeah. Oh, we heard the Sasquatch. Yeah.

That's been the least successful, successful show ever. Yes. They've been trying to find Bigfoot for like eight seasons. I've spent a whole day

on the road. Like, if I'm running to my hotel, I've spent the whole day with, oh, shit, they about to get it. Oh, shit. Like, oh, my God.

Yeah, me too. And then I'm like, it's five o'clock they got me again fuck yeah i don't get something to eat i you know yeah that's not those aren't so successful yeah i mean the best they get is like a sound yeah that's it but that's all i got reality shows man they're not really reality they they around they. They fuck around with editing. I was on one of those. Did you do the naked one? A naked one?

The naked one. Naked and confused? Yeah. What is it called? Afraid? Naked and afraid. I had a uniform on and we all got bugs. Yeah, naked.

So I know. Oh, boy. Oh, my God. The suffering. Also, I don't know if they're, how bad can you get fucked up and how quickly can they get you to a hospital? Yeah. Like you said, where are the watchers?

Where are the people? Yeah, because, I mean. This is not safe. People, the one time the lady, her snatch was all swollen. Oh. Because they had bit her all up and everything because her cycle came and yeah. Well, how about that show Alone? See that show Alone?

Yeah. The dude I had on the show, he shot a moose with a bow and arrow, and then he had to kill a wolverine that was trying to steal his moose. And he was naked through all of that? No, no. Shit. Fuck it, eh? No, he would've made it.

Yeah. Yeah, no, it's Alone is a show where you're allowed to have a certain amount of things, right? We had Jordan Jonas on the podcast.

He's a guy who won, I think he won season six. Is that what he won? Do we remember? Tony, your phone's ringing. Yeah, I know. Kill that yeah um but that dude shot a moose with a bow and arrow i don't know do you not know how to do that this is like a little switch i ended up taking a picture oh huh i'll show you that make it vibrate you just hit this

little thing down i thought it was it it vibrated all the other times oh it has to pop up that's what it is you have a phone case that has like a cover over your button cuz I dropped my phone a lot how much do you drop it all right now it's all but I you know I always do this like I drop it but I always catch it or kick it so did it never it never hits the screen so Jamie's one of those risk takers. Well, you just got a naked phone. Naked phone. You got it encased out.

Oh. That's the thing. It's got coverage on the corners and stuff. Oh, right. That's the latest thing. And that's been enough for you? Yeah, I dropped it just the other day. And I was like, oh, there's the one.

Screen's locked up. I didn't know that putting it on your waist was an old man thing. That's an old man move. Yeah, I know, because I do that. My son's like, what you doing, man? You never see a hot girl with a phone on her hip. Like a clip. If you saw a girl, like a hot girl with like an iPhone Max on her hip,

you're like, what the fuck is wrong with her? It's weird, right? You're like, she's weird. I will go, that is so convenient it's very good yeah because you you can do this you you turn you know what ladies have now they have like a thing that goes around their neck it's almost like a purse and they keep their phone like on hanging and you know a couple credit cards yes yeah that's a good move yes now say mrs. woods your son told you that's dangerous.

I'm like, Ma, somebody could just take the hole and everything is gone. My mother has that. What you talking about? Someone could snatch it. Yeah. Yeah, that's true too. Yeah. Because it's all your baskets in one egg or something like that.

Something like that. You know what I meant to say, man. Yes, sir. All your eggs in one basket. Yeah. Yeah, you always got to be thinking about that Yes, sir. All your eggs in one basket. Yeah. Yeah, you always got to be thinking about that, I guess. Convenience and thievery. That's why fanny pack is the best move.

And wait, hold up. You know Aruba Ray, right? Ray Allen? Okay. You remember Ray Allen? He does a show down in Aruba. And I was down there, and what is this thing? Is it Sea Urgent?

Yeah. Yeah, that got me down there. I didn't step on it. Oh, yeah. Because that's fucked up. But I just kind of. I stepped on one of those. I stepped on a fire ant hill on Saturday. Not on Saturday.

On Tuesday. On Fourth of July. Are those the big ones that bite? No, they're little ones. But they fucked me up. Where'd they get you at? All over my foot. Look what my foot looks like. All swollen i'll swallow this man that was just yesterday it's how's your foot it's fine now it's normal oh but i i got stung like 15 times my toes look like that anyway

yeah look at that jammy yeah wow my my as a of fact, I got the thing in my baby toe, because my baby toe tries to leave. So you get the little rubber thing, put it up, bring it back up there. Like yoga toes? Yeah. You see my toenails, you're going to say, thank you for your service.

It's gone, y'all. But they, my toenails got messed up when I was like, I think I was like 12. You remember mini bikes? Mm-hmm. And the little, with the little fat wheels? Yep. And I had on sandals. Oh, Jesus.

You remember the sandals back in the day with the tire treads on the bottom? Oh, yes. And going down the hill, and I had the little break with the, it's like a plate that stops on the back wheel. I heard something go clang-a-lang-a-lang-a-lang-a-lang. And my fucker was not slowing down.

Clang-a-lang-a-lang-a-lang-a-lang. And I put my feet down, and of course the sandals come out. Oh, Jesus Christ. It's all healed. It looks painful right now, but it's good. Ooh, how long did it take to heal from that? I don't think's all healed. It looks painful right now, but it's good.

Ooh, how long did it take to heal from that? I don't think they've healed. Ooh. Yeah, you know. It is what it is now. You know T-Rex? You know him? No.

Tyrex. He toured with Bill Burr. He said, so you going too far with this woods thing? Because he said my toenails look wooden. Well, you have an excuse. Yeah. You don't realize how helpless you are if you just hurt your big toe on one of your feet.

You're like, what the fuck? It's hard to move around. This right here. Your pinky. Pinky. Yeah. Pinky. Because your big toe, because that's your signal.

That's how you pivot. And so the big toe and pinky doesn't look like he's that important. It's true. Your little ring finger and ring finger can reduce your grip strength by 67% if you lose them. Wow. Man, you need to follow me around. Your pinky holds as much as follow me around your hand strength along with the ring feel it forms the power bottom of your of your hand with your while the thumb index finger

and middle finger provide dexterity yeah that's interesting i don't know if I totally agree with that, though. But it's right there? Yeah, but I don't know if that's universal. It might be depending on what you do. Yeah. Because if you grip a lot of stuff or you carry a lot of stuff, I would imagine it would change. It definitely can have compensation because I fucked up my pinky and my whole hand was fucked up for a while.

Well, I got my pinky slammed in a car door. I told you about that. It was numb forever. It was numb for like fucked up for a while. Well, I got my pinky slammed in a car door. I told you about that. It was numb forever. It was numb for like a month and a half. Yeah, but I still did chin-ups. I could still do chin-ups. I just didn't do anything with this pinky. It didn't seem to reduce my strength by that much.

There's a test of six different grip methods, one without the middle finger, one without the ring, and little fingers, and that was the lowest. Right, but is that also a function of mechanics though because if you're removing the middle finger do you have the same leverage on those other fingers because they're all connected you know and a lot of times things this just looks thicker you just everybody else don't realize how important the pinky is until it gets fucked up

Well, that's all also now that I'm thinking about though Maybe it is true because maybe I should be thinking about what muscles of the forearm are pulling down and maybe these ones are stronger That's gonna bring up the pinky toe to it If you cut off your pinky toe you lose it's not all of your balance But you can have to figure out how to balance again because it makes up a point of balance for you Wow Remember the Pope of Greenwich Village but you're going to have to figure out how to balance again because it makes up a point of balance for you. Wow. Remember the Pope of Greenwich Village? Yeah, I do. He said,

They got my thumbs off, Charlie. Charlie. They got my thumbs, Charlie. That was good acting right there. Oh, my God. That movie was amazing. Yeah. Yeah. John Jones fucked his big toe up in a fight with Chael Sonnen. that was good acting right there oh my god that movie was amazing yeah John Jones fucked his big toe up

in a fight with Chael Sonnen he beat the shit out of Chael Sonnen and then got up and was doing the post fight interview and looked down and saw that his toe was like flipped upside down his big toe was did he faint? no no we sat him down

he was like oh boy and I continued to interview him his toe had flipped around was. Did he faint? No, no. We got him. We sat him down. He was like, oh boy. And I continued to interview him. His toe had flipped around. His toe had flipped around because that's how much pressure he was putting into trying to beat Chael Sonnen up. Motherfucker. Yeah, his toe was fucked up.

So we got him to sit down. Ooh, mama! So that dude fucked up his own toe, and to this day, and he fucked up his own toe because he was pushing off so hard when he was beating down Chael Sonnen. But to this day, he has to fight with that toe taped up. To this day. Imagine how much he lost from having an injured toe like that

and he's still the greatest that shit hurts looking at it hurts looking at it yeah that's crazy you guys you guys seen this new movie with woody harrelson no i haven't seen it's called the champions well he has he gets a dui so he has to go and uh he has to go coach some guys with mental, what did they say, disabilities? No, not disabilities, challenges. And that's one of the funniest parts of the movie. Because one kid who has soft bones, he goes, are we going to, he said, everybody get on your knees. I said, I can't, I'm wearing my knee pads. He said, okay, don't worry about it.

So in the big game, he goes, I think I'm going to come out of the game because I think I sprained my finger. He goes, no, you're good, you're going to be okay, I'm telling you. And then he showed me his finger

and shit, it looked like his toe. Oh, twisted around? It's like, it's, yeah. Can you bring that up,

the champion? That is a, that is a funny movie, but I saw, it's called The Champions. But I saw it on the plane. And it's about a lot of people with challenges. So I'm laughing out loud.

And the people look over to see what's so funny. And they go, really, asshole? I'm like, no, no, because they can't hear what I'm hearing. Right, right, right. Because it's one kid in the movie. And he always, he grabs the ball and shoots backwards. And then he does

the Steph Curry. And they say, he said, he's the only one in the league who does that. And they go, does he ever make it?

He said, no, he don't ever make it. But he's the only one in the league who does it. And he does this backwards, it goes, like that. And Woody Harrelson, since he ever make it,

he go, nah, he don't ever make it. But listen, he's the only one in the league who does it. Wow. Yeah, it's like, what the fuck? If you see the one with the finger, that finger is, they got that on the trail. That finger is, because they got to come out, man. My coach here.

I think that's a, you see that height fixer. This is the best podcast I've ever been on. So rambling. Yeah, because everybody else, watch this. Okay, give me some volume. Coach, this doesn so rambling. Yeah, because everybody else is on. Watch. Watch this. Okay. Was he saying, give me some volume? Coach, this doesn't feel right. Oh, jeez.

You're going to need to see a trainer. But I want to play. The team needs me. Not like that. They don't need you. Wait. Good as new. Get him. I'm good as new. You guys have done that in fights before.

What, just? Yeah, just to pop their finger back in place. Sometimes your joints get dislocated. Guys have popped their shoulders out, popped them back in in between rounds. Well, you weren't in Vegas. Oh, yeah, in Vegas that happened. Do you know for Skank Fest? What happened?

They have a, it was like karaoke for fighters. You just put your name on the list and get up and fight. Oh, jeez. And they had a ring. Yeah. And they had a ring. And so they played musical chairs. And so, boom, whoever can get a chair,

he sits over here in this corner. And the next guy goes over there. And then, boom, them two guys fight. And whoever beats that guy, whoever wins out of that two-minute round, then they do it again. And so this guy who just won this will have to fight the next guy who loses musical chairs.

It was dope. And then he heard it go. And his shoulder went like that. It just dope. And then he, pop, he heard it go. And his shoulder went like that. It just went down like that. And he says, hold up, hold up. And he goes, he goes, I'm okay. And the guy goes, no, no, man. He goes, sit the fuck down.

Oh, my God. It's an Australian guy who he's like a – he's like you. He's at the fights and stuff like that. And that's his thing. Jason Ellis? I guess. He's crazy. Jason's crazy. Because the dude's shoulder go –

So Jason threw his shoulder out? No. The other guy. The other guy was fighting. And then he goes – he puts it back up. He goes, I'll be okay. He goes, no, Mike. Come on.

No, Mike. You've had enough. Give him a big hand. Yeah. Jesus Christ. he puts it back up and he goes he goes I'll be okay he goes no Mike come on no Mike you know you've had enough give him a big hand yeah Jesus Christ he's like we got a doctor now

oh my god this shit it would it kept doing that maybe it's a reoccurring injury maybe that's why he was so calm about it

yeah maybe but he was he was worked up because the crowd was cheering man it was we had a dude on Fear Factor

once that was a bull rider, and his shoulder was destroyed. Like, he had so many, he had eight surgeries in one shoulder. And he said, like, if anything happens, it just pops out. Like, anything very, anything abrupt, it just pops out. It's going to, like, pop it back in. But I guess, I forgot about Fear Factor

So now Cause you're not Dude I have run out of the room Like you just might be on Instead of cutting it off What the fuck And it's like

The worm thing The rat thing Yeah The eating stuff I'm like What the fuck You should have been there And smelled it The smell Made it all Horr? You should have been there and smelled it.

The smell made it all horrific. They should have had smell vision for Fear Factor. They should have been able to give you a dose of what that was. Some of that stuff was so nasty. One of the ways they made it smell nasty was they would buy expensive french cheese oh and make it nice yeah there's some apparently there was a place in beverly hills that had like this funky fucking cheese like yeah i guess some some of those folks that are like real cheese heads they like they like wild shit and this stuff stunk and people would you know just vomit opening up the fucking case to smell it

and they would add that cheese and people pay big money for that stuff do you ever go to Jim Rhodes sideshow? No yeah? as a matter of fact we went to Edinburgh the first time that's the first time I've ever seen something like that cause the guy he does something

he swallows all of this stuff I don't know if it's vomit Because the guy, he does something. He swallows all of this stuff. I don't know if it's vomit. And it's beer. It's a whole bunch of nasty shit. And then we were in a big tent. And somebody went, blah!

And they threw up. And then, blah, blah, blah. Like, everyone's just barfing. Just like that. I had never seen that before. Wow. The whole tent smelled like that cheese you're talking about. Wow. Yeah.

Edinburgh Festival is skank festival to the hundredth power. Really? Really? Yeah. Is that wild? It's that wild. And it's a month, too, right? A month in the rain with kilts on, no drawers, just getting in.

That's the first time I took E by accident. By accident? Yeah, because this guy, he goes, he said, how'd you boys get along last night? He's talking to me in Greer. I said, it was good, man. I got a headache, though, today. He goes, would you fancy a pill?

I said, aspirin. And he goes, would you fancy a pill? I, you know, I told him he had aspirin. And he pulls out some pills on a napkin. He turned to get a beer or something like that. And I went, well, you know, because they're so small. I'm like, these are like obviously children's aspirin. I need all three. Kaboom. Oh, wow.

Yeah, and I washed it down with Red Bull. And then Greer was like, Woody, what's up? Like, what? He said, that was for all of us. I mean, you got a headache too? He said, yeah, but it was, yeah. Oh, my God. It was fun.

I mean, nothing, but okay, the next morning I woke up and I pooed it. It had color with it. Oh, no. But other than that, the night was fine. No, I just shit it. But listen, like a shark. What did you say? Like a shark? Like a shark.

Oh, a shark. Like you shit your pants. Because we partied. We had a good time. We had a good, good time that night. And then, you know, I wake up and I'm like, oh, man, that was crazy. And then, oh!

That's the guy! Do you think that's for the pills? Yeah, because I got more control than that. I don't just go around shitting on myself. I just, I didn't like the, that was the first time I ever did that. And people always go, it's so good.

It's so, it's just too Disney World for me. Right. Because it made me like, you know, we almost got in a fight because I saw, it was a little guy there. I'm not going to say midget, dwarf. It was a little guy. Boom! With a big red afro, a big orange afro.

And I was like, looking at him like, aw, like a leprechaun. From across the room, he goes, what are you looking at, Blackie? And I was thinking, wow, Blackie's here?

Because that's my man. I was just on some other super happy shit, you know. Right. And this guy's getting mad at you. Yeah, he was mad. He was mad. But, yeah, he'd do nothing. I mean, he was just mad.

I'm like, I... On ecstasy getting yelled at. Yeah. He says, what's the little battle cry? He goes, oy! Who do you looking at, Blackie? Pirate talk. Everybody was so upset with him for calling me Blackie.

He'd already lost the fight himself. Because everybody's like, no, you can't do that. Women are crying and shit crying shit like I'm like what he hurt me so bad oh my god man if you live in an environment where it rains that much if you live in an environment like that it's tough to be happy I bet but the grass is fucking green. It must be. The grass is in Technicolor over there.

Right. It's just beautiful. It's just not so good for people. Yeah. It's one of the best comedy clubs ever. The stand is in Glasgow. And no lie, it's about as big as this room. Really?

And the people are just in there. And it's just like, ah. Nice. Yeah, it's really good. I mean, the energy of it. That's all during the festival, you know, up in Scotland. All the people, English people, come up. You just got to have a show.

You can have a show like that just do just go over do two or three days just to say you did it just to say you did it because we we always had a ball over there uh who uh what's his name remember my man master lee master lee remember him no you remember master do i yeah remember he passed out that time Master Lee. Master Lee? Remember him? No. You remember Master Lee. Do I? Yeah, remember he passed out that time. He's going to break the board. You remember that?

Was he a guy on TV you're talking about? No, he was at the Boston Comedy Club with us. Oh, I don't remember that guy. Master Lee. He did shows in the park with Charlie. Okay, and he used to break boards on his head? Yeah. How do I forget this?

One time he got dizzy? Only one time? It was just one time. It's funny, yeah. You don't remember me? That's him. I kind of remember him now. Maybe that's the board.

Somewhere here. Savages. I'm going to read my haikus anyway. For those of you who don't know, haiku is Japanese for really short poem. Now the beauty of haiku is that the original haiku poets could express their deepest emotions. Okay, cut ahead to this. Let me see the board break part. He said, are you ready to see me break the board?

Yeah, that was the whole build-up. This is the whole build-up, too. Hair! Hair! Hair! Now I know why they call it kamikaze. Hair! Yeah!

Yeah! He looked a little dizzy right there Well, that's silly That's such an easy thing to do Break a board? Yeah, it's very easy, it's a trick I got hit with a baseball bat That's very different Those boards snap pretty easy

It looks impressive because you think of wood, but it's pine, and they're thin. They break pretty easy. Well, I'm sure I wouldn't get the hard one. That would be good. I can't believe you don't remember him. I don't remember him. Maybe it's because of that, breaking the board over the head. Maybe I blocked it out.

Yeah. Because I used to have to do board-breaking demonstrations. When we would open up a new school, a new martial arts school, they would send us to a new place. Like, they had affiliates. Were you doing martial arts then? Yeah. Yeah.

When I was a teenager. You were in high school when I met you, weren't you? No, no, no. When I met you, I was, like, 23, I think. Ah! Yeah. Yeah. You remember that bit?

That's hilarious. Well, the one in the nine. What school is that? There's some school. Yeah, it was a college. College, right? Yeah. That's right.

Yeah. I saw Carrie Brazier the other day. I was in Miami. Remember Carrie Brazier? Yeah. She was one of the agents. Remember? Rick Dorfman, Carrie, Liz.

Yeah. Rest in peace. Don't say that. I forgot. Oh, man, I forgot it. It's okay if you say rest in peace. Yeah, rest in peace. I don't remember the name.

Well, you know Jason. Yeah. She was the nicest. Lynn. Remember Lynn uh yeah but she was the nicest lynn remember lynn she was the sweetest girl yeah and uh oh and barry that whole scene man what an interesting scene in comedy in like the early 90s in new york yeah it was so it's very exciting like mtv half hour comedy hour was popping def Jam was popping all these different shows were happening It was like there was an explosion of shows that a comic could get on Commercials remember Reggie McFadden was dr. Pepper. Oh, yeah

Yeah, I was his intro dude. I talked about Reggie McFadden all the time. That's my man He was the guy that when I saw him I was like, there's no way this guy's not the next eddie murphy yeah like that guy was talented yeah he doesn't really do stand-up anymore right i i i don't know unless he's he had a diamond mine or something like that if you got a diamond mine i don't think you need that i'd still do stand up yeah and the diamond mine I'd still do stand up and the diamond mine you don't want that you don't want to consolidate all your businesses

but you would still do stand up if you had a diamond mine I still do stand up for free I still do stand up it's like Dave Chappelle was talking he was like

how we do it, how we get over, how we get through it. It makes us feel good. It makes us feel bad, all of that shit. And, you know, you can release all this stuff, you know, because when I lost my son, everybody was like, hey, man, go sit on the couch and everything. And I actually took the advice and I went down to the VA. And I was because I was so, you know, hurt, broke up.

And but you don't get it's not like television. You don't get to sit on your own couch. It's like a group session, man. And it was two young guys in there, man. And both of them had like titanium legs and everything. They go, yo, man, I saw you on television, man. Can we take a picture, man. And it was two young guys in there, man. And both of them had titanium legs and everything. They go, yo, man, I saw you on television, man. Can we take a picture, man? And I was like,

I was like, I got my thing. even with my, I felt sorry for them. Because these guys look like 18, 20. I'm like, I'm hurt because of the son I lost. Because of what happened to them, they may

not even get to have a... I'm like, this ain't... What stand-up brought me not talking about him but just still getting down because it's because of him I had the nerve to do it in the first place. I used to go to comedy club

and I went to a comedy club, my first open mic, and this guy, Kevin Lee, was juggling, and he dropped the bowling ball. Like on television, nobody ever drops anything. He dropped it, boom, and the owner goes, get the fuck out of here! Get your shit! Get us! And he's spraying him from behind

the back with Lysol. The people are screaming. They think it's part of the show. I thought it was part of the show. They scream. And then people are like. And then William Stevenson goes up and goes, next we got a new guy. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Tony Woods.

Shit. I'm not going up there, motherfucker. I'm not going up there, motherfucker. I'm not going up there. Because it was like, that's how people were panting. How hard he had ripped. Wow. I forgot the point I was making,

but what was I talking about? I forgot. Yeah, but we were getting to something. What were we talking about, Joe? I forgot. Yeah, but we were getting to something. But, yeah. What were we talking about, Joe? You were talking about a guy juggling on stage and dropping a ball, but I didn't know where you were going with it. Yeah, before that I was telling you something.

Don't worry about it. Your son encouraging you to do stand-up and help you get over your son. Yeah, okay. Yeah, he didn't encourage me, but he was born. And when he was born, I'm like, shit, I can do this. I can do anything. Stand-up ain't nothing. I'm changing diapers, bitches.

So you know what I'm saying? Yeah, so that's what really, you know, because I'm like, I am someone's dad. Yeah. This is hard shit. Stand-up comedy cannot be as difficult as this. And it was not. stand-up comedy cannot be as difficult as this. And it was not.

But that's, and so when I lost him, like, I wanted to just stop everything. Plus, I still got two other sons. Can't just stop and say, hey, everybody, I'm sad. Gotta keep it moving. And so, yes, that is our, you know, look at how fucking funny it's gonna be when you go on stage talking about an aunt tore your toes up.

Somebody else gonna have PS2 from that. The fun part's gonna come in how I kill them all. That's the fun part. They're fucked. This is war. But just think of somebody who's not a stand-up. They're like, fuck, I gotta take a couple days off work, man. Fucking fire ants tore me up

last week. That's it. I didn't take last night you got 20 minutes bang i did get an iv in between shows that helped oh yeah what's that iv do uh well the one you get different ones do different things but um i got a high dose vitamin C and NAD combination. Oh. And they also put some kind of a dexamethasone. I forget what it's called. But it's not going to make you poop, right? No.

Oh, God. Make you poop. Why? Because I've been drinking this tea. It's called morongo. It's from India. It's poop tea? Yeah. Yeah?

Because the thing clearly says take one every day, you know in the morning uh-huh, we give you energy all it is and Just took I drank like three cups of tea the other day if you really want Sorry for the description, but if you really want shit to rock it out of your asshole drink kale shakes you really want shit to rocket out of your asshole, drink kale shakes. I used to drink kale shakes every morning, and then I would have these shits where I was like, I got to get to this toilet in time, and it's all coming out at once. This is not going to be a long journey. This is just going to be a yee-haw.

It just lubes the old pipes up. Thank goodness for bike pants. Yeah. So, you know, I ride my bike. It just lubes the old pipes up. Thank goodness for bike pants. Yeah. So, you know, I ride my bike. I ride a bike and I just, you know, went to this place, all this health food shit. And he did the thing, the fucking kale shake. I'm like, well, you know, why drink Gatorade when I can drink that?

Right. Don't do that. Don't do that? Just because I was almost, my bike was in the car. I was driving. And, you know, I'm driving. I'm like, I ain't going to make it. I don't want to sit in it, but I ain't going to make it.

So you're like sitting up. You're hunched up while you're driving. I got on bike pants, but I got my shorts on over my bike pants. Oh, boy. Yeah. And just when, you know, when you just go. Shit. Oh, boy. I put the mic in. Yeah. And just went, you know, we just go. E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, like, and my mom was like, it's a cleanse. What do you think that means? You know, I didn't think about that.

Well, it definitely makes you shit a lot. But a lot or just because it just. Well, it's all it's a lot of fiber, you know, and it's a lot of moisture. It's a lot of liquid and a lot of fiber. And just it's all lubed up. Good for you, right? The I think there's a lot of moisture it's a lot of liquid a lot of fiber and just it's all lubed up good for you right the um i think there's a lot of nutrients in it there's a question about whether or not you should have that much raw kale uh because it's high in oxalates and in certain individuals they've had issues with oxalates that lead to things like kidney stones that could also be

genetic too i think um but the oxalates, I think in high doses, they think like a lot of raw spinach and a lot of raw. It's like a balance. You know, some of it's good for you. Too much of it is probably not so good for you. Well, the reason I'm drinking this stuff now is because I went to the doctor like last month and they said my PS you a PSA?

PSA. Because both my grandfathers both passed from prostate cancer. So he's basically, the doctor said, you don't. What they're doing is I got to go back next week for some more results of more tests. And so far the options, I think it's like some Angelina Jolie stuff. Like he says, with these levels, if it's not there now, it will be soon. So let's just, and I just, I never heard anybody removing that.

So removing your whole prostate. So I've been a little stressed out lately. Is there other ways that they can mitigate that? That's what I'm trying to figure out. I read an article. What else can I do? I read an article about this guy who had very high rates, and they wanted him to do something,

and he decided to try doing a cold plunge every morning, and then he went into like a ketogenic diet, and apparently he radically lowered his his numbers so and it actually even elevated your listeners to help me radically lower my that well i think that's that might be a way but please do you have a place near you that has a cold plunge i don't know but okay do you have the yard yeah you have a like ice bucket yeah I mean you just basically yeah you could do in a tub for sure but if you get one that's outside that stays cold all the time that way you you don't have

to fill the tub up and every morning you just get in it you mean like just just sit in it in your body underwater for like three minutes. And it'll bring your PSAs down. Well, with this guy. I mean, I don't know if this is just his case, but what this guy did was twofold. He did that every morning, and then he also went on a ketogenic diet. So he stopped eating sugar. He stopped eating anything that is, you know. I think it's like, I don't know what the fat to

protein ratio is, but there's like a ratio where your body's just burning off fat. And that's what he went into. And apparently that's a good diet for people that have cancer too. So this guy lowered his, his rates. Now, is that anecdotal? Yes. That's it here. Here it is. How I lowered my PSA with ketosis and ice baths. The prostate protocol. Okay. So this guy has a Morosco. I have one of those at home. They're awesome. And we have a blue cube here. That tub is called a Morosco? Yeah. And we have one here called the blue cube. That's awesome too. It's actually even more brutal because the water stays on like flowing really fast so an email from morosco power user asked me about

the protocol i used to bring my prostate specific antigen down from 7.0 to 1.8 nanograms per milliliter says i purchased a morosco about a year ago blah blah blah uh okay so this is the question the guy's asking the question and say he has his PSAs. No, down. Right. So then the answer, the guy explained what he did. Is that it? Hold on. Go back up right there.

Right there. The prostate protocol. go back up right there right there the prostate protocol the most essential sensational finding in my blood test results was not so much the improvement in my psa but the elevation of my testosterone to levels that were nearly unheard of for an overweight 56 year old man i wrote about it in detail what happened to my testosterone after using ice baths to treat my prostate i've since updated that article to include more of the science behind how it works and describe what I did that worked for me. However, it's possible that not every man is seeking to boost his testosterone.

For example, my girlfriend, who generally seems pleased with the results of my T-levels, has already mentioned that she'd rather I didn't do anything to push them higher. Interesting. But more importantly, some men have experienced concern that their doctors suggested higher testosterone levels may lead to increased prostate cancer risk. Okay, this is a long article. But his protocol was kept his ice bath at 34 degrees, plunge up to his neck for two to four minutes, an average of six days a week.

So that gives me 20 minutes of extreme cold exposure per week, which is enough to activate my brown fat and maintain high glucose sensitivity. Then fasting for 24 hours once a week, and then cycling in and out of keto. In addition to intermittent fasting, low carb several days a week so I can be sure he reaches ketosis, doesn't stay in ketosis for more than a few days. When I'm ready to come out, I'll indulge with fresh bread or a croissant or a favorite dessert or fruit and season. Okay. I enjoy good red wine, a dark beer, blah, blah, blah. All right. So then there's this disclaimer. I don't know if the ice bath prostate protocol will work for you.

Maybe you'll adopt every practice that worked for me, only to discover that it does not work for you. Every body is different. Nevertheless, if you decide to try it, will you share your results? Yeah. So try it. Try that. Yeah.

You know, before they do surgery. Yeah, because he said it like he was taking out my wisdom tooth, dude. Yeah, yikes. He said, yeah, we could just remove you yeah slow down and if this works i mean if it worked for that guy is his level similar to what your level is mine was five and what was his seven oh so yours is better than his already yeah but he's his is gone yeah his went away yes you might be able to do, but you'd have to be real strict with your diet. I saw him say candy and syrupy stuff. Well, all that stuff. The time you stop eating that stuff, your body has to still recover from when you're eating it.

Like all the damage that you've done. But it's just not real food. That's most of what people consume. And when you start consuming real food. Are you vegetarian? No. Me neither. I don't think that's the way to go either.

I don't think that's the way to go for health. And I also don't think it's the way to go for conservation and animal management. It's like the reality of the world is you have millions of cows and millions of chickens. The real problem in the world when it comes to meat is factory farming. That's the real problem. There's a lot of regenerative farms that raise livestock the way people have for thousands and thousands of years. And that's great. And you can get food from them.

Why do we have so much, so many chicken wings? It's a lot of chickens, bro. I know, but it's like nobody's eating that much chicken. It's a good question. It's all got its wings now. No, but think about the breasts. Like how many places sell breasts? A lot.

Like everybody who wants a Caesar salad with chicken breast. Honestly, it's wings. Buffalo wild wings, hot wings. Yep. Oh, true. Wild wings. Yeah. Yeah.

It's a lot of wings. A lot of wings. Yeah, true. Wild wings. Yeah. Yeah. That's a lot of wings. A lot of wings. Yeah, a lot of independent wing places. Yeah. With nothing but fucking wings. You can't do that. Do you remember that place in the village? They used to have a place in the village?

Yeah, right down the street. Fuck you. Yeah. Bang. That was some good chicken. Fuck you. Bro, they had that death sauce. Did you ever have the death sauce?

Yeah. Whatever they called it. It was like the highest level. Yeah. I they called it. It was like the highest level. Yeah. I just tasted it. I never ate that shit, ate that shit. It was good, though. It was delicious.

It was delicious, but it was just insanely spicy. The place next door to the cellar. There it is. Is it still open? No. Aw. It's permanently closed. What's the place next door to the cellar?

The swarmer place. Mm, I don't know. Okay, you know the cellar? The steps right here? The place right there? Yeah, I don't know the name of the place next door to the cellar? The Swarmer place. I don't know. Okay, you know the cellar, the steps right here, the place right there? Yeah, I don't know the name of the place. No, I never ate there. You ate at the pizza place in the corner. I didn't do the cellar very many times. You did Boston, though.

I did Boston, and I did a lot of shows at Dangerfields. Because Dangerfields felt like a road room. Yeah. Felt like it was on the road.s because Dangerfields felt like a road room. Yeah. Felt like it was on the road. You know, it didn't even feel like a New York room. I worked there the first time by accident. By accident? By accident.

I came up to New York for the summer to do my reserve duty. I'm trying to think what year. I think it's 80s. Yeah, it's 87. So you sent a videotape in of your comedy. I sent it to this club called Who's On First. Sent it to them.

I go in with some other guys who's doing reserve duty with me. I said, yo, man, you a comedian? We go up there together. And I walk in. It's busy. It's like a Friday or Saturday night. And I said, yeah, I'm Tony Wilson, gave me a video tape, and she said, okay, well, you know, sit over there,

I'll get such and such, whoever. Then he comes out, some other guy comes into the, he, is Tony here? I'm like, yeah, I'm Tony. Come on, you're up in two. Boom, go in, fucking kill, bang, come off stage, yo, they need somebody at Dangerfields. He says, well, the guy, Tony, just came off stage, bang, come on stage. Yo, they need somebody at Dangerfields. He says, well, the guy, Tony, just came off stage.

Bang. I said, where's Dangerfields? He kind of looked at me like, what? It was across the street. Went to Dangerfields and went on stage after Roseanne. Roseanne had like a bathroom and everything. And I went up there, did another 10-minute spot, kill. And then some guy named Tony.

I still have not seen this guy. He's a white guy. He's like maybe, he was like in his 30s or early 40s then. And he was like, hey, what the fuck? What's going on here? Who's this guy doing my spots? They told me to, because I was innocent, but I wasn't that innocent. But I still did two spots.

You kind of knew it wasn't your spot. That's hilarious. I knew Dangerfields was definitely not my spot. But when the emcee said, Tony, whoever, as I'm walking on stage, I'm like, I'm not going to correct that motherfucker. I don't care. You know what I'm saying? I just went up and did my thing.

I figured they just misunderstood my name on the videotape. I honestly thought that the guy had seen my videotape and go, oh, this guy's got to go. He's got to come on stage. But no, they were calling some other name Tony. I don't know who he was. That's hilarious. I haven't seen him anymore.

So when I came back to New York in 91 he I Never saw that guy. So he's I guess he's rude kind of Tony somebody always check around It's funny people that you meet early in your career and just Lose touch with them and then catch up with them again It's a strange road to be on. Yes. Be a professional comedian for all these many, many years. You'll meet somebody, like, they're really good, really funny, like, in the beginning, and then you just run

across them one day and go, hey, man, how you doing? Still doing your comedy. I catch you on TV every time. I always tell my wife about you, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then, like, he might be doing, he's, like, super successful. You know, like, I ran into a guy the other day, he might be doing, he's like super successful. I ran into a guy the other day, he's a pastor, he runs his own church, and this

and that. He said, man, I'm proud of you, man, I'm glad you stuck with it, man. And like, because I remember being at that crossroad, just like he was, I was like, what you gonna do, dog? What are you gonna do? What do you gotta do? I really didn't make up my mind until I was in, what you going to do, dog? What are you going to do? I'm like. What are you going to do?

Yeah. I really didn't make up my mind until I was in Birmingham, Alabama with my man, rest in peace again, Vic Henley. We did the Birmingham Comedy Club. And that's when they called me and said, you've been activated. Now, I'd been messing around. I was doing comedy. I was in the reserves. But now they're talking about, you've been activated.

You're going to the war. And I was like, damn. And I remember Vic say, man, don't worry about it. Me activated you going to the war and I was like damn and I remember big say man I'm worried about me gonna be okay Tony man human vacantly yeah it's my fact he's to open up for uh it was his name tonight at the club come on man uh blue collar he brought white brown white yeah yeah yeah yeah I know I a opiate Anthony with him once yeah I believe I'm out Tony man he's always say he said and then I tell you gonna be okay I did something with him I can't remember maybe he was oh but he was on opiate Anthony quite a bit yeah Yeah. Good dude, man.

Me, him, and a guy named Chris Kelly. Chris Kelly was a little guy from, yeah. Hell yeah. What? He was a little guy from what? He was from Burma, man. No, he was from Huntsville, Alabama, but we were all on the show. And a guy from the reserve unit, a bastard, he held the phone.

I was about to go on stage and the lady says, Tony, you got an emergency phone call in the office. I'm like, is it a woman? Because I'm like, if it wasn't my mom or my wife, you know, about the kids. And she said, it's my aunt. I'm like, I'm not fucking old. I figured it was one of my buddies going, hey, man, can you hook me up with a show?

Can you hook me up with free tickets? Went up, did my thing. I was on stage maybe like 20, 25 minutes. Came down, watched the whole Vic Henley show. And then we're going to leave. We're going to go get something to eat. And then she says, that man's still holding for you in the office town

I picked up the phone and I said hello he says petty officer Woods I'm like let me go get him he says go ahead Woods man I know that's you fuck cause as long as they didn't contact me I didn't have to show up but I had to show up and from there I was supposed to go to

what's it called so if you didn't answer that phone, you wouldn't have had to go anywhere? I mean, until they caught me. I didn't. Sooner or later, they would have caught me. When I wasn't running, I just had not gotten the call yet. It wasn't like now where you could just sell.

You weren't that easy to put your fingers on back then. That's interesting. And I'm a road comic. I'm on back then. Oh, and that's interesting. And I'm a road comic. I'm on the road. Right. You know, all you can do is call my house and say, well, let me know when he'll be back or he'll leave a message. And if he'd have left a message, he'd know I was not going to answer that shit. I was going to say, hey, my answering machine broke, motherfucker.

And I was supposed to go to Ocala and then Fort Myers and then Key West and instead I went to Bowling Air Force Base Jesus Christ but it was okay

but having something that sucks afterwards you got a lot of shit to talk about yeah so it was cool we had a ball thank you for your service that's what they say a lot of shit to talk about. Yeah. So it was cool. We had a ball.

Thank you for your service. That's what they say. I'm glad I got that positive thing out. It must have been wild doing stand-up and being in the service at the same time. It was cool.

Well, I wasn't, I wasn't doing, yeah, I wasn't, well, when I went back, I was a little bit

of a celebrity at Camp Lejeune because I was on a show called Tell Me Something Good on BET. Like, most people didn't have BET back then. As a matter of fact, when a guy told me, he says, hey, did you do a show on, I work for BET? I'm like, all right, dog. You know, he was like, he was just like another,

he was like another Virgo with a business card to me. I'm like, whatever, man. You know, yeah, man, I produced this and I produced that. I'm like, come on, get the fuck out of here. Right, but he said I produced the show. I said, what's that same place? He says, Black Entertainment Television. I just, I laughed.

I was like, ah, that's funny as shit. And the next day, my wife called me at work. I was a bike messenger, too. My wife called me, and my dispatcher said, yo, you gotta give a landline and give the rest of your packages off to such and such. I'm like, for what? She says, emergency phone call. I gotta call you.

I'm like, fuck. So I call and she said, you gotta go home and da da da da and you should wear this and wear that and wear this. I'm like, for what? She says, you gonna be on television this evening. I'm like, what are you talking about? And she says, yeah, the guy from BET called and I called him back and blah blah blah. I'm like, what are you talking about? And she says, yeah, the guy from BET called and I called him back and blah, blah, blah. I'm like,

yeah, I met that motherfucker last night. He said he worked for some people called Black Enzama Television. She says, yes, that's a real thing, Tony. I'm like, for real? I was like, I was on some June team shit. I ain't know. I was like, for real?

We got our own network? Motherfucker. You guys can go. So basically, it was kind of a, for me, because I was like, everybody knew about this network but me? Right. And that's the first. So anyway, so when I'm down there at campus, people would always say,

man, you don't. And this is the misconception about television. Everybody's like, man, what you doing here, man? Ain't you rich? Because I was, we got $100 a day for that show. So, but people watching on television, they figure.

Yeah, they just assume you're rich. They assume you're rich, yeah. As a matter of fact, we went to go see New Jack City, and the guy says, I got in a fight that night because I was already frustrated, and Rock was in that. He says, so do you know him? I'm like, yeah, I know him.

Yeah, right. Me and Rock and Tommy Davidson had done a comedy tour called the Slitsmoke Liquor Bull Comedy Tour. We went to Chicago. We went to a lot of places, man. Me, Tommy Davidson. And then, you know, to me, I felt like I'm stuck here. I don't know how long this war is going to last.

I don't know when. You know what I'm saying? And then you see guys you work with on television and stuff like in the movies and stuff and this fucking asshole's going, you think you bad because you know. Like, oh, fuck it.

And then we got in a fight at, what's the place where you pull up and they roller skate and bring you food? I know what you're talking about when those, yeah, roller diners

or whatever they call them. Yeah, we got in a fight. What do they call those things? Just diners, right? Yeah, in Jacksonville,. Yeah, we got in a fight. What do they call those things? Just diners, right? Yeah, in Jacksonville, North Carolina. We got in a fight. We got in a fight. That was bad.

Because I couldn't take it no more. Oh, yeah, and, oh, yeah. Should I say this on the podcast? Yeah, because I went to the ATM to get some money, but my ex-wife took all my money because she had power of attorney. So I didn't have money to go see the movie where i saw my buddy in the movie and then this motherfucker's screaming at me

going yeah he said well do you know him do you know him i'm like i know chris rock i don't know the other guy yeah right he was just and then and then we got to the place sonic is that i think it's called sonic get to the place i gotta borrow money from one of my other buddies. And that motherfucker's just gone. Next thing you know, he got banana milkshake all over him. I wasn't really fighting him. I think I was fighting the person who cleaned out my bank account. Yeah.

He just caught you on a bad day. He just caught me on a bad day. It was a bad day. Because we were almost late a bad day. Ooh, it was a bad day. Because we were almost late for the movie, man, because we stopped at three different ATMs. Because I'm like, well, maybe it's this one. Maybe something's wrong with this. Because I know I got some money.

Don't worry about it, Woods, man. Fuck it, I'll just pay you away. So, guys, popcorn too. Yeah. So, guys, popcorn too. See, comedy is very therapeutic, isn't it? Well, it's definitely the only way, other than time, to take a negative and turn it into a positive. Yeah. Comedy can do it pretty quickly. Yeah.

It can change your perspective on things pretty quickly. Yeah. It can change your perspective on things pretty quickly. Yeah. I feel better about the bathtub. Yeah, because that's been hanging heavy on me, man, just because that dude said, hey, we'll just remove it. Yeah. You should probably try this at the very least. I am.

And I figured this was just a God sin because all of a sudden, because I'm like, I watch you and I'm like, Joe seems to know a lot of shit. I'm pretty sure he might have an answer that my primary care doctor doesn't have. Bam. That's ridiculous.

Boom. I just got lucky that I read that article. That's all it is. But I have been doing the cold plunge for months now. I guess like more than a year. You do? But like very regularly, like every day for months. Is it for pain?

No. I do it because it makes me feel really good. When I do it, then I get out of it, you get this rush of endorphins that last for hours and you feel amazing. You feel way better. Do you know what? Right next to my mother's primary care doctor on Wisconsin Avenue

and it's not D.C., it's really Bethesda. There's a place right next to it. And I'm like, see, see, see, there's a sea. I'm going to tell you something about racialism. Racialism. It can be so ignorant. Because I saw the people on the picture sitting in tubs of ice.

And I said, those Scorpios are crazy as shit. and I said, those Scorpios are crazy as shit. And now I'm thinking, oh, maybe that Virgo should sit in that ice too. Because, no, I just had that thought of us leaving out of the doctor's office

right here, and it's a place, and I'm like, Who was going there? What do you waste your time? I'm like, what is a cold plunge? Why? Yeah.

Right. Yeah, but on the picture, it's like, you know, everybody's a Scorpio. Well, there's like a couple of things are happening at the same time. One of them that's happening is your body is trying to protect itself by, like, rushing all the blood to the center of your body. Like, you're fucking freezing in that thing. Everything is like, and you have a hard time breathing because you can't relax. But once you learn how to just accept it, and then you just breathe. You just breathe.

And if you do it for about, for me it's three minutes. I get out after three minutes, and I feel fucking amazing. I feel, like, more relaxed, more in tune, more ready to go. I talk about it so much, it's getting annoying. I should probably stop talking about it. It's in Bethesda. They have them all over the place. But this one is right in Bethesda. Do you all over the place but this one is right

in Bethesda it's right do you know D.C. Benny yeah it's right in his neighborhood you know D.C. Benny and what's the other girl

Wendy it's her neighborhood too well whoever you should you should get in one I'm gonna get in one yeah I'd be interested

if you follow I'll send you that that article i know that one right there just and i just remember thinking see stupid yeah i was uh because you know i tell my kids that like how ignorant uh hate is because you can't hate somebody and you gotta love somebody to truly hate them. You know, you just can't hate somebody. You got to know them. You can't just say, I fucking hate all steel pitchers. You've never met a steel pitcher.

So you can hate. I try to tell them that when they were kids. You can hate your wife because you know her. You know what I'm saying? That woman across the street with the orange dress, you can't say, I fucking hate that lady with the orange dress. Right. She don't know her.

But that one right there, boom. And so, yeah. But I did a bit about, I was in Australia and I was in a tent. Another animal story, I'm sorry. I was in a tent and these people rushed by me because the music stopped playing. Like that. And they were running, like maybe 10 people, like a small group. They weren't together, but they were running.

And I'm like, fuck, you're not going to miss that much of the thing. And they go by me because the hallway is round because the tent is round. And as soon as I turn around, there's a tiger. Yeah, a real tiger. His face is like this big. He's right there. He has the saddest little look on his face. And then I always say, because this is what happened,

like four or five guys who sound like they've been eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with no jelly. They were like, because they were Filipino. But I'm not being racialist. That's descriptive. And they were popping him with some little thing, and they pulled him,

and it kind of pulled him away. But he was just wandering. And when he wandered, those people ran. They drugged him. I don't know what happened. Yeah they drove he was very docile. I went to a tiger Park in Thailand and it's weird because when they're young there's a lot of supervisors in the room And you know there's like people that make it because the young words are like fast and playful

And then when they get like a little bit older, someone always has to separate you from the cats. But then when it gets to the big ones, those big ones just lay there, dude, like this. His head was no bigger than this big. Oh, they're huge. And people sit next to them and take selfies. So you have drugged up tigers in a cage and people like sit next to them.

And that's the thing that people do. So the point I was making about how silly racism and how stupid it is because when they always knock me down you know I got not popcorn but actual corn on a cob that I bought from the vendor and it was knocking me down and I

was angry because they ran by me and almost knocked me down and I was well because they ran by me, almost knocked me down. And I was, well, on stage I say, fucking Australians. But that's not what I said right then under my breath. I didn't say that loud. But then I turned around. Boom.

It's not that they were white or Australian. It's a goddamn tiger was coming. I don't know how that explains itself. But you know what I mean. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because at first I was just saying something bad about them because they almost knocked my soda down and my popcorn. But it could have been a group of black people,

which I know would have got knocked down because they would have been running faster. And then they would've been screaming too. They were the quietest group. Like, if there was a tiger behind you, you say,

ah! You say something. They just, they just fucking, everybody looked nervous. But they just ran. And I think somebody could say run dude

a tiger's coming nobody shit they just they just ran they just ran they just ran past me nobody i if i was running and you were coming this way i would go dude here comes the tiger like that i would right i would just go better you than me that's gotta be one of the most terrifying ways to die yeah there's probably nothing like it unless you're a rat and it's an eagle or something right that's probably but it would be about the same wouldn't it because his his big ass hands would just go yeah they would just tear you apart but i'm just thinking us, it would be one of the scariest. Yeah, because our brain is not going to.

You're going to hear him crunch your leg. Oh, God. Yeah, and. He's going to kill you, first of all. And have you ever noticed, like, a lot of animals, like you were talking about how the monkeys ate, how the chimps ate the monkeys? Yeah. Because I think the monkeys? Yeah.

Because I think the butt is soft. That's like the guts. Yeah. So they're not going to bite your head. Right. They're going to start. The head will bite back. Yeah.

They're going to bite your butt out. It's a horrible video. No genitalia. He's literally screaming. That's my dick, man. Imagine if there were things as big as chimps that ate us. You have to be real careful when you go outside. Hippopotamuses.

Because nature does have this very strange balance. I watch a lot of videos on praying mantises. I'm obsessed with praying mantises. They're such a fascinating insect. What do they do? They kill hummingbirds. They kill small rodents. They kill all kinds of shit.

Anything that comes near them. A prey is only that big. I know, dude. They kill hummingbirds. They hang around bird feeders, and they snatch hummingbirds out of the air. You never seen this? Never seen that. Dude, praying mantises are fascinating.

I never heard they could do that. And so the video that I watched was these ants killing a praying mantis. The praying mantis was trying to kill the ants, but the ants, like, swarmed on top of him and then systematically cut off his head. Oh, shit. It was wild. Teamwork makes the dream work. Yeah, Jamie's got to find Praying Mantis gets Hummingbird. But then, who was that?

Woody Allen's movie? When Christopher Walken was the praying mantis? I don't remember that. So check this out. There's the praying mantis, right? Here comes the bird. Look how small his head is, though. Watch this, though.

It's wild. Seems to know not to get too close to it. Mama! Look at that. Bam. Got you. It got him, didn't it? Isn't that insane?

I mean, look at that fucking power that insect has. How is he that much stronger then? It's because he's the person who was, they didn't want it to keep happening, which is rude, because that bird's dead. Now that you just fucked up the pretty man's. Oh, he didn't put one, with one, which is rude, because that bird's dead. Now you just fucked up the pretty man's. Oh, he didn't put one putt?

With one? He just hooked him. He's got hooks for hands. Oh, so all up in the hooves. They have the end of their hands. They just clap down on things. They're like these, look at these barbed hooks. Whoa, look how he did like this.

Yeah. He snags them. And look how fucking strong they are. Arachnids, like spiders, they're so much stronger than they would be if they were a person, like with our kind of anatomy, our size, you know, skin and bones and all that stuff. That design of that exoskeleton design that a lot of these insects have,

along with this insane leverage they have. He's got, like, daggers. Yeah, but he's also just stupid fucking strong. Yeah, I saw him just do that to the... I didn't know what it ate, but... They're so much stronger than, like, a little mammal would be if it was that size you know like these things are insane like look at the fucking

body structure on them like just that video oh he's gonna eat the fuck out of this snake dude they eat the fuck out of everything it's I mean it's an amazing design I mean look at those the hooks that he has for these arms. Yeah, I see all of that spikes and shit.

So I don't like this, because they're showing this to us. Why didn't they show us the kill shot? He's already eaten it. That's a really small snake, though. That looks like they gave him that snake. Look at these motherfuckers. They did it for the gram. This one is, too. It's like a gave him that snake. These motherfuckers. They did it for the gram. It's like a set-up fight.

Oh, so the lizard ate... Oh, boy, they have set-up fights. Oh, yeah, there's a website for this where you can watch all sorts of insects go at it. So that lizard, mantis, and a scorpion. Who wins that one? You know, like, I don't like dogfights. I don't want to watch a dogfight.

But I do. He's winning everything. I do not mind watching mantis and scorpions do battle with each other. Here we go. Boy, I don't know. Scorpion looks like he's going to fuck him up. No, he's already sick. He's getting...

What's happening here? What are the bugs on him? Scorpion has a shell. What is he doing? Is he just climbing on him? No, do you see these other bugs? Yeah, there's other bugs that the mantis wants. So he's going to steal these other bugs.

So it's like, are they going to fight over food? Like, what is the mantis what is the scorpion eat so he's gonna eat on him that's how disrespectful that mantis is look how disrespectful he is I'm gonna stand on you I eat yeah and that's his whip right there. Crazy. Okay, now he's decided to eat the scorpion? Yeah. Oh, my God. Fuck you, too.

Bro, if he eats this fucking scorpion, think about how small that thing is in comparison to the scorpion. He cannot. No. He's got one hook in. He's trying to eat the scorpion. He's using the wall for leverage. He's using the wall for leverage. Look at this. He's climbing one hook in. He's trying to eat the scorpion. He's using the wall for leverage. He's using the wall for leverage.

Look at this. He's climbing the cage. Look at his back legs. Does he give up after a while? Can he not break the surface? Oh, my God. He's still going. Obviously, it's poison.

Who fucking wins? I don't know. Oh, it looks like the... What happened? Back it up a little. He fucked him up. the what happened back it up a little he fucked him up yeah he fucked up oh he fucked up he got caught in the the pictures oh that's all they give you they don't show it interesting if i was them too i'd make you a pay-per-view yeah you fucked up you got cocky you didn't plan ahead it couldn't break through the scorpion's tissue. That was dope.

Whatever that armor is. I had no idea praying mantis was that. They're so gangster. But get the ants kill praying mantis. I have a. They dissected it. They like clinically dissected it. Like cut off the arms, cut off the head.

I've dumped them before. Just wow. So this praying mantis is eating some ants. Just trying to shake them. Uh-oh. Yeah, they all start swarming him, though. So he's getting a few of them. He fucked that dude up. Yeah yeah but now they're on him

that's a distraction this is wild because this is i mean this is so there's so his eye they're so tiny yeah that we don't understand how wild this is if we were watching this and it was these are big like the size of lions you know amazing this would be if like lions fought a giant like that that's what this would be but even weirder because these insects like what the way insects look queen it's a big one yeah does the queen go to battle well there's a few of those big ones though It's like the Queen came in I don't know if the Queen would risk it all for that

But these ants just chopped the shit out of this dude. Look how many of them are coming out of the hole to Just coming out ready to go to war How do they communicate I mean that's what I want to know. How do they organize? How do they know? Like this is why, look, they just cut his fucking head off. Sorry, bitch. I mean, what? How amazing is this? Just watching this is fucking insane. And it's crowded. If we went to another planet and we saw things like this, but they were big, like German shepherd size, we're observing that. People would be utterly fascinated. Look how many of them there are together in this little canal.

Somehow they're communicating together. And they wear armor yeah we just accept it because they're little because it's really really little we're not amazed by it yeah you know we're only amazed by things that are I wonder what's little to certain size you know I'm saying like an ant is this big I wonder what what does ant go get out of here probably fungus yeah well definitely fungus actually because have you ever seen what happens with uh the cordyceps mushroom and ants cordyceps mushroom can infect ants and it makes them grow spores out of their body so mushroom spores and then the spores explode infecting the

whole colony yeah so much these ants know when an ant's been infected and they know that it's gonna explode so they have to drag it out so they're dragging it out like is it it's a time-release bomb and they're hoping they get outside their village before it blows up. Because if it doesn't, all the other people see it growing out of his head. The cordyceps mushroom has infected this ant, and now it's using its body to grow. It's the premise behind that zombie show on HBO, The Last of Us. The premise is that this infects people.

Because this fungus, when it pops, it blows all these spores in the air. And when it blows all these spores in the air, then... It's chemical warfare. Yeah, exactly. It's just trying to infect all the... I mean, imagine if you found a family member lying there with a giant spore growing out of its back. A giant sack of spores. Just whatever it is for a mushroom. And it's just ready to spray.

Gotta get him out the house. Yeah, fuck. We're gonna miss you, dog. And you just got a greasy bandana tied around your head, hoping they don't get you, and where you're dragging this body out of town. Well, I guess the way that it just, it's like somebody swallowed a bomb with their fungus. Yeah. It's like somebody swallowed a bomb, especially if it's in a crowded area.

Yeah, it's like somebody swallowed a bomb, especially if it's in a crowded area. If that happened and people got infected by cordyceps mushrooms in a subway and burst out into the subway and coughed and sprayed, all those people would be infected. Question. With all the mantis crazy videos you've seen, and that ant is being controlled by that cordyceps mushroom, which is not a parasite, but many mantises are controlled by this horsehair parasite. Yeah, I've heard about this.

What if that's creating that crazy behavior? Yes, maybe. This is what's crazy. When you put the mantises in water, that black snake comes out of its asshole. That is crazy. There's so many videos of it. Isn't that nuts? So that thing lives in its body. And look how big but look how big it can't get in the water it hates the water it

hates the water look how big it is i mean how wild is that wow that's probably why he's so strong he's like um it's possessed what's the name venom venom it. Yeah, Venom. It is Venom. It is Venom. It's Venom, yeah. Oh, my God. It's a real-life Venom. And he's the praying man. This is going, I'm going to die. You're not going to die.

It's a real-life Venom. Wow. That is crazy. That's nuts. Look at it. It's just like an evil snake that lives in its body. And look how, yeah. It even looks

sinister. It looks alien. Like, just thinking that something like that would live in something that size. Yeah. And he's not letting him out, is he? I think it's out now. It's out of his body, but it's still attached to his butt. Is he trying to climb

back in? Yeah, but just imagine. Oh my God, is he trying to climb back in? Is that what's really going on here? It's trying to climb back up his butt is he trying to climb back in yeah but just just oh my god is it trying to climb back in is that what's really going on here it's trying to climb back up his butt and he's trying to eat it he's like you you've been inside of me i'm gonna put you inside the other way so he doesn't even know if he did that it would probably just make more of those in its gut is that just regular water or they got something that's good question. I think it's just water. I wonder, like, if you eat it, if that thing grows in your gut. Oh, man.

That's how the cycle is created. Yeah. Because it seems like he wants to eat it. Maybe he wants to be Venom again. Maybe once he gets out

he'll become a bitch. Yeah. He's like, I don't even, hummingbirds are cool. I don't want to kill hummingbirds. I just eat dead bugs I find laying around

he was sick and just a man he said in his buddy's voice I killed a bird I did this he's like fuck out of here he was venom yeah so is that a large percentage of mantises are infected by that I had heard that

this other article about it says that the parasite is what forces them to go into water oh to get the fuck to get on it oh so the parasite forces them to go into water so it can hatch I don't know well that was the case with grasshoppers right with grasshoppers we talked about that before it was that there's this parasite that it's a some sort of a worm aquatic worm and it grows inside the grasshopper's body and then convinces the grasshopper to commit suicide so it can be born so it talks the great just takes over the grasshopper's brain like get in that water bitch and it comes out of the grasshopper's body wow yeah so it's piloting the grasshopper can can this thing be the grasshopper

could it be the grasshopper a praying mantis can he beat up a grass oh yeah yeah praying mantis will fuck up a grasshopper oh so they were better were better. I think they, I bet a lot of the insects have parasites inside of them. I bet it's probably pretty common. It's an interesting relationship. Like, what's his name? The little guy with the hand. Napoleon. He had a parasite?

Yeah, syphilis or something. Oh, yeah, that's VD. Yeah. But a lot of people have toxoplasmosis. What's that? Toxoplasmosis. I think it's called toxoplasmosis gondii. It's a parasite that is from cats.

So the way cats get it is they get it from rats. And when rats get it, rats, for whatever reason, when they get this this parasite their testes swell up they get hard-ons and they get sexually aroused at the smell of cat urine so it tricks their body into thinking that cat urine it's like tricks their hijacks their sexual reward system to like seek out cat urine so they're going after cat you and erases their fear of cats so what it's doing is encouraging them to get killed by cats so the cats eat them and the only way this toxoplasmosis reproduces is inside the guts of a cat and then the cats shit it out and that's why they tell pregnant women to never handle cat litter. Whoa. Because you could handle cat litter and get toxo, and it could be very bad for you and

the baby. Napoleon's retreating army felled by parasites. Boom. Interesting. Wow. This podcast is like the Lion King, man. It's like the circle of life. Boom.

Ever since his catastrophic retreat from Moscow, the terrible losses suffered by Napoleon's soldiers have been blamed on hunger and the biting cold of the Russian winter. But according to new research by French scientists, the fabled Grand Armée, reduced to 30,000 men by December of 1812 from a total of 600,000 to 700,000 just six months earlier, was actually felled by parasites. to 700,000 just six months earlier, was actually felled by parasites. Researchers led by Deiter Raut of the National Science Research Center in Marseille, how do you say that? Marseille? Marseille. Marseille? Yeah.

have analyzed the DNA of 72 teeth extracted from 35 skeletons removed from a mass military grave near Vilnius. In present-day Lithuania in 1995, they found minute traces of microbes associated with typhus and trench fever, deadly diseases transmitted by fleas and lice in the dental matter of 10 Neapolitan soldiers, the newspaper Le Figaro reported yesterday. They had to all get it because it's cold. They're fighting in the winter.

So they got to be huddled up. So everybody, yuckity yuck. So typhus. Interesting. 691,000. So at one point there was 691,000. It got down to 30,000. It was all from

parasites? Most of it. It said cold and 30,000. It was all from parasites? Most of it. It said cold and hunger did most of it, but great tolls definitely from disease. Wow. And if you're cold and hungry, you bottle up together. We're talking about 600,000 people dying from either being cold or fleas. Six months. 5,000 a month.

Holy shit. It's like 3,000 a day. Six months. Holy shit. Like 3,000 a day. Limbs were falling off. Oh my God. It was nice. They looked just like that ant you just saw. And then the sanitary conditions

when you have that many bodies. Like where are you putting these bodies? They're going to all rot. Who's going to be around? Who's healthy enough to move these bodies around? And just imagine

you build a house on that land oh jesus you dig up you dig up yeah the wolves that's my absolute favorite story of world war one what in world war one they had to have a ceasefire between the germans and the russians because there were so many of them getting killed by wolves. Damn. So they said, let's stop killing each other and kill these fucking wolves. And so they killed the wolves and then went back to killing each other. Right on. As you should. But I'm sure the wolves are like these guys out here fucking up.

Well, what would happen is they were fighting trench warfare. So someone would get shot and they would be screaming. And maybe they'd be way the over there and it's night time and these wolves get in those trenches and they smell blood and they'll pull that out of the trench so people are screaming screaming while they're getting eaten alive by wolves so you're sitting there huddled with your rifle and you can't jump up because the germans will shoot you yeah and or the russians will shoot you yeah like and then it's one or two it's the wolves or the and so they had to have conversations so they were sent they were sending scouts out and uh they would disappear and then they'd go find a boot and

they're torn apart bloody clothing and they realized people getting swarmed by wolves there were so many wolves up there that the wolves had taken to hunting people because they'd eaten so many soldiers yeah so it becomes a primary food source like human being like dead human beings left on the battlefield in world war one were a primary food source to the wolves in that area and i imagine it's just like the lions again because it's easier much easier Yeah, but you know many people are getting out of the walls before you decide to have a fucking a Meeting with your fellow humans that you're just killing six months ago. We got to do something We're losing too many guys to wolves. This is crazy. We got to admit we hate each other, but we hate wolves more

This is crazy. We got to admit, we hate each other, but we hate wolves more. Wolves used to be terrifying. That's what Little Red Riding Hood was all about. That was what the three little pigs were all about. They were fucking terrifying. And somewhere along the line, people forgot to be scared of them when they killed them all off in the West. And so they're like, let's bring them back. We miss the wolves.

Let's bring them back. Like, are you fucking sure? The wolf was probably one of the first members of the LBGS TMJ. Because remember, he just went in there and put on that dress, man. Remember he had the dress on? And she came in. That's right. Yeah, she said, said hey what you doing

cause she she knew it was him but she's like uh what big eyes you have she's trying to back out she's like cause she knows

she can't run from him she gotta back cause she gotta be slick with it yeah she's caught him with ladies clothes on do you know there's a

a cartoon of that from like 1930 something and it instead of a wolf it's a jew it's like a really stereotypical image of a jewish person and it's a weird cartoon, man, because they changed it later on, and they changed it into a wolf. Make sure this is true, because with AI today, you never know when you're getting fooled by something.

You changed it to a wolf. With AI today, you never know, because they can make fake cartoons. Yeah. This is like the best PBS. Well, who is, which is the one, it's Little Red Riding Hood, which is the one when the wolf is knocking at the door? That's the Three Pigs.

Yeah. Because this, yeah. Yeah, maybe it was Three Pigs. Three Pigs is the first one. Knocking at the door, but knocking at the door dressed like a wolf? Yeah, it was the wolf. That's what they were afraid of. A wolf wearing wearing like

women's clothes right a huff and puff blow your house down so what it was was like yes good you back it up a little I want to hear what he's saying. No. Yeah. I'm the poor brush man. I'm giving a free sample. He's saying he's selling brushes. Now I got you. Wow. Wow.

Wow. That's crazy. The wolf was dressed up as a brush man. Imagine being a dude who sells brushes back in those days. It's a hard way to make a living. Yeah. Say, what's the movie that Seth, what's his name? Is it Seth, the comedian, the actor?

Seth Rogen. I guess. Is that him? Seth Meyers. With the curly hair? Seth Rogen. Okay, yeah. Yeah, he gets high a lot.

Yeah. Yeah. He did a movie. He did a movie where he's a guy and he's an immigrant. He comes from Europe and he works in a pickle factory killing rats. You ever see that? No, I didn't see that. It's called An American Pickle.

He wakes up after a coma. Is it good? It is pretty good, yeah. I didn't see it. It came out during the pandemic. It was one of those movies that came out. And this is his great-great-grandson or something. He plays himself playing him. Oh, wow of those movies that came. And this is his great-great-grandson or something. He plays himself playing him.

Oh, wow. But he's killing rats, and then one day the rats attack him, and he falls into a pickle barrel. The place closes down and all this other stuff. Years go by. Basically, he lived because he was pickled.

It's comedy. But he lived it. And he comes back and then boom, and they go, the only living relative you got is this guy. And he's like, because he knows how poor he was. He goes, you have more than one pair of socks. He says, yeah. Because for him, he just wanted to have more than one pair of socks.

He wanted to have salsa water. Hmm, bubbly water. Yeah, that's son of class. Yeah, that was his great, great, great, yeah. And now he's got a fucking salsa machine in the kitchen. Hey, Coach, you were doing really well for yourself then. Yeah, so you just got to see it. It's just a sign of the times.

Like a guy who was an all right guy back then is a piece of shit now because the things he said and the views that this great, great, great grandpa. He says, you can't say that now. Right. Just watch an old movie. Yeah. They used to beat women up in old movies all the time. They always smack.

Look. Smack. Yeah. They smacked women all the time back then. Just that alone. Yeah. I should say, yeah. They smacked women all the time back then. Just that alone. Yeah. I just saw a movie with Sammy Davis Jr. It's an old movie with Sammy Davis Jr.

I think he's making fun of Miles Davis. I don't know. But he's a really good trumpet player, but he's an asshole. And you know he's playing this new kind of jazz or whatever. And Cicely Tyson is in it. She's his girlfriend. The girl who played Walona

on Good Times. The one who sings Ain't We Lucky We Got Him. She's in it. And her and Cicely Tyson get into an argument or whatever. And then Sammy Davis Jr. just comes up and boom, punches her in the face. Yeah, Walona from Good Times. She punched her right in the damn face.

Wow. I think it was. And he used all real jazz musicians. Did you ever watch Good Times? Yes. Remember the janitor, Bookman? I never knew he was a famous jazz musician. He was in it, too.

He was in the movie, too. It's called, I don't know the name of it, but Sammy Davis Jr. It's got a lot of Morgan Freeman is in it, but he don't have a speaking part. He's an extra. That's how old this movie is. And so Sammy Davis Jr. is supposed to be making fun of Miles Davis? Is he doing a Miles Davis? He is.

He's like, he's a good trumpet player who, because all the jazz guys are in it except Miles Davis. Dizzy Gillespie's in it. All these are real jazz musicians. Could Sammy Davis Jr. really play? No, he couldn't play the trumpet. So is he faking it? Yeah, look, Ozzy Davis, that's Cicely Tyson.

Is he definitely faking it? Can I hear that? Boy, it sure looks like he's playing it. Yeah. Movie magic. I don't think they had movie magic back then. Yeah, they didn't. I think he's playing it, man. I mean, he was a musician.

I know. Look. Okay, look. That's Willona from Good Times. And Frank Sinatra Jr. is in it, too. Yeah. This is why I think that's really him. Because if you ever listen to, like, a real solo, like someone who's really good.

This is him really playing this is drums yeah that's 100% him playing that trumpet Trumpet. Oh. Too different. Did you see what he did? There's no way a guy who plays drums this good would ever accept using a fake trumpet sound. Depends how much money they're paying him. I think he knows how to do it. It was his movie. He did it, I think. I guarantee that guy could probably play everything.

You don't think Sammy Javis Jr. could play everything? He was a serious musician. Jamie, I think you're hating. I think he's slightly hating. I think perhaps you're hating. He can play? Okay. Yeah, he plays trumpet and drums.

But, you know, it's like you see when a guy's like a real musician. You see the way their hands move. They just move better. Did you see when he was uh his name was ruth or somebody he was running for president he was four years old he was in a movie where he was uh i've got it it's the samuel davis jr he's and he's like four and he's like he's got a top hat on and just just an old movie i watched watch Turner classic movies sometimes. Who would you say is the best trumpet player? If there's one person. Who would be the elite of jazz trumpet players?

Miles Davis, right? So let's listen to... The Marcellos guys. Let's listen to... So we just listened to that. And we were trying to debate Whether or not Sammy Davis Jr. Really played it Let's see what the top

And he's playing a cornet in that too A cornet? That was the bigger one That's the Chuck Mangione one He was playing You know him I'm ignorant about musical instruments So

I was googling four things at once here ignorant about musical instruments. So. I was Googling four things at once here because I was trying to find better evidence of him playing that while I was trying to find what you were asking for, too. But as I was thinking of why I was saying that is because I was thinking of this scene in Crossroads the whole time where Ralph Macchio is playing guitar against Steve Vai. And it looks like he's playing guitar because in some of these scenes he is. But he's not. He in some of these scenes he is, but he's not good enough to play against him.

He's not making that music. He's not good enough to be in a solo battle against him. Right. He just practiced enough to do it. But don't you think the technology was far different in the Sammy Davis Jr. times? I don't know. Maybe.

Yeah, I think splicing the sound in there and having it sync up perfectly, that's not an easy task back then. I mean, I guess it probably could be done by a wizard of special effects, or you could just play Sammy Davis Jr. playing the trumpet, which is what it looks like. I just don't know why everything has to be a conspiracy theory, Jamie. Well, I mean more for the movie aspect.

I'll go back and find the clip again. But like they're cutting so much. The way that would have been recorded, they could have recorded him playing once and then went back and reenacted them, you know, so they could have the camera moving all around them. To have that all recorded perfectly and for it to sound as good as it did has to be edited in some way. Interesting.

It is a movie. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah, that's true so there has to be some sound engineering to write whatever they could do back then in the black-and-white days it's called a man called Adam is what this movie was called but let me can you just show me like Miles Davis playing the trumpet I just want to oh is that what this is I was googling five things at once oh sorry um and i guess that's that's um

it's way different playing those fast chats miles is sound and someone has to. Let's go back to this. This was a vulnerable sound. Yeah! Look, Claudia, I have been in... Go back to the other one again. Is there anything with Miles Davis playing where it's not people talking? Um. Speaking of Miles, she was his wife. Cicely Tyson was his wife.

She was married to Miles. Music written by Miles. Here we go. That's John Coles for you. It's something that people really love about jazz, the improvised aspect of it. You know? They can smoke cigarettes and play instruments. I didn't really enjoy it that much until just now. I like that.

I was listening to that. I was like, oh, this might be the way to do it. Like, don't do it while you're doing other stuff. Just sit there and listen to it. be the way to do it like don't do it while you're doing other stuff just sit there and listen to it i like uh i like things without lyrics as background music when i write i like to play like classical music or uh maybe music in other languages so i don't know what they're saying and they're just here so it only like gets in so far i'm not thinking about their words lately i've been listening to a lot of this um healing this chanting stuff like the the waves yeah not not not water but it's uh you see it on youtube all

the time and it'll say uh it heals you or you can sleep for two hours and wake up like you slept for eight hours it's just like it's just oh i think i know what you're talking about megahertz or something like that um yeah yeah yeah yeah that's right yeah yeah i gotta start remembering the names of this i don't know if that like helps you where you don't need as much sleep what's this supposed to do for you what are they were the pros and puts in a relaxing state it's a big talk about 432 Hertz it makes me I'm gonna tell you it feels like it feels like I'm like like a big like not a big like a chicken egg but those eggs you have on like a piece of furniture you know like a something you put on the coffee table uh-huhhuh. And it's on a pillow.

And when I listen to that music, that's how I feel like I'm on it. I'm just like, like I just sink into the bed. But it's not the bed I'm sinking into. It's the sound. I sink. I don't know how to. I sink. I don't know how to.

It's like I just kind of sink into the bed. I'm just there. But I'm not like laying on the bed. And I wake up and feel like, yeah, let's go. Really? Yeah. And it's not music, is it? It's more like just sounds.

But it's good. And so how much time do you do it for? I sleep to it. You sleep to it? I sleep to it. Like, you know, if I got to catch a flight at whatever time, at 7, and I know I can't afford to sleep too long, but I know if I put that on for two hours, boom, when I do get up, I will get up,

and I get up, and I'm good. I won't be like, oh, my God, I gotta go. I'm not like that. I'm like, yeah, let's go get it, because I slept like that porcelain egg. So are you listening to this on headphones when you go to sleep? I just play it on my iPad or something like that.

Just put a speaker? Or either I put my earbuds earbuds in but i always want to always fall out right and and even when they show the picture of the music it's someone just he's just floating he's he's like in your seat just you just float and the the ones you listen to like how long does it go for they got they got some of them for 10 hours six hours or three hours you could just put up there two hours of uh of uh sometimes it's under zen sleep music or healing music it just yeah it's good it's that's interesting i haven't experimented with that. I'm going to now. Now that I'm thinking about it,

I'm kind of interested in it. I'm going to do that shit. I'm going to get in the hot, in the cold tub at the same time. Yeah. I'm interested in it now. Yeah. Can you pull that up?

Because when you see it, you'll see what I'm trying to describe to you, how you feel when you're sleeping. It makes sense because music has such an intense effect on people, intense effect on the way you feel. It gives you goosebumps, gets you excited, gets your body moving. And it just makes sense that it's interacting with us in a way other than the obvious, we hear it.

We don't just hear it. It gives you emotions. It sort of changes the way you feel. Anyone in particular? I'll go up. Because it's one where a guy's just like laying there. Like that one. That's it?

Okay. Is this here? Let's see. Put the headphones on. Yeah, that's it. So you sleep to this? Yeah, I do. I want to lay down now. It's it. So you sleep to this? Yeah, I do. I want to lay down now.

It's good. I'll tell you. Wow. This goes on for eight hours? Well, how many hours? It's 11 hours and 16 minutes. 11 hours. It's perfect.

That's what I need. 11 hours of sleep. It's also good if you're a YouTube subscriber or whatever. Yeah. Put it on your phone. Shut the thing. It just restarts. It's like a if you're a YouTube subscriber or whatever. Yeah. Put it on your phone, shut the thing. It just restarts. It's like a loop, I think.

Yeah. This could be very psychedelic. It's good. You could have some wild-ass dreams steered by this music. I could drink, wake up. It's like, you know how you're like, none of that. Yeah. If I have eaten, I don't feel full.

If I have not eaten, I don't feel hungry. Hmm. Yeah, it's just kind of, I'm just with your fancy appeal. I'm just there somewhere, you know what I'm saying? Just locked in. Yeah, but it's not like I'm laying on a table. Right. I'm just right here. Floating. You're good. Yeah, but it's not like I'm laying on a table. It's like I'm just on my hands.

Floating. You're good. Yeah, I'm going to try it. I'm going to try it. I've used noise machines before, but I kind of like just sleeping. I like to hear things. Oh, the dog's going to love it too. Yeah?

The dog, yeah. The dog loves it. My mom's dog just sleeps like that. Quick update. This is the guy who played the trumpet for him. What's that? This is the trumpet player from the movie. Oh, that's the guy from the movie? Yeah.

Trumpet playing was done by Nat Adderley. Oh, so it wasn't actually Sammy Davis Jr.'s trumpet? Yeah, it was overdubbed. Oh, my God. Jamie's right. This motherfucker, we call him a conspiracy theorist, but he was right. I mean, I have a degree. How did you know?

Because I went to school to make sound for movies and stuff. That's what you do. 99% of all sound in a movie is redone. It's not recorded live. I just naively thought that Sammy Davis Jr. wouldn't want another man to play trumpet for him. It's almost impossible for them to record that in that setting, and it sounded that good.

Yeah. Because they were in a space with production. It's almost impossible for them to record that in that setting, and it sounded that good. Yeah. Because they were in a space with production. There's 100,000 people. There's some people around. No one's shutting up. Think of at your shows. No one can make a sound or kind of ruin something. If he's playing a one-time performance.

Glasses, people walking in, people walking out. They're in New York. Interesting. I heard Tommy talking about this he said in his first taping people were walking around in the background and stuff and the people that well they were like we can't use this when he's like but that's the performance that was good so you have to you have to use that one and they did yeah but he's like you can't worry about that so there you go yeah people do weird stuff with uh with set sometimes like like when you i'm not gonna talk about this i was just thinking about

well i was thinking about aziz ansari set that that that that one that he did with spike jones where they showed the background like it was just so distracting to me like I didn't understand why they would do that like you could see the people working in backstage while he was on stage it was like at an angle instead of like straight-on at him it was like at an angle where you could see like the sound guy and everybody no no it was it was a I think it was a Netflix special. Spike Jonze directed it. And it was like this weird choice that they had decided to make.

Have it shot where it looks more organic. Like you just happen to be there watching. That? No. Yeah, that's it. You can see the backstage area so like there would be people walk see where his right hand is you there'd be people walking back there and shit it was weird like to the door the exit door and shit it's very odd but i guess it's like to give you this feeling that you're in taping yeah that you're in the But I guess it's like to give you this feeling that you're in.

A taping. Yeah. That you're in the club. It's like more informal, I guess. More relaxed. I don't know. But it's like, why are there people walking behind Aziz? Why am I looking at people walking in the background?

Why is that in my mind? Yeah, because it seems like it would be distracting. It's distracting. For sure. Have you been to the stand in my mind? Yeah, because it seems like it would be distracting. It's distracting. Have you been to the stand in New York? Yeah. And the room upstairs, they got the window open. Like, what the fuck is that, man? Because I can't talk to y'all with these people.

They're doing stuff back there, and they're not paying attention. It's like you're in a fishbowl. And I'm like, close that curtain. That is so not cool, man. It's weird. Yeah. Yeah. But that's another one of those ones, like, you know, a comedian didn't set that up.

Yeah. Right. I did the club that me and Louie did in Rotterdam. It's called Club Hog. So if you ever go to Rotterdam, you got to do that. As a matter of fact, the last time I was there, I filmed, I did footage, an hour of footage. But the ceiling is low.

It's like, yeah, the ceiling is low. There's no bad seats. And, you know, but, you know, they speak another language. But they understand you because they speak, like, three languages. Dutch, French, English, and German mixed together. Plus they watch American television. So their English comprehension is super good. Wow. Yeah.

So if you ever pop over there, you got to do that. It must be fun doing countries like that. It's pretty impressive that they have that good of a grasp of English, like universally. Like we're basically, you either speak Spanish in this country or you speak English. We speak English and Spanish. They speak a gang of different languages. In Holland, they understand us better than they do English people. Because, yeah.

I think Spanish is the next language. If I was gonna learn a second language, that seems like the most useful one. You know? Yeah. And also, it's everywhere. Might be Russian. Russian.

I don't wanna throw in the towel just yet. Plus, that one you have to learn like a whole different alphabet. You have to learn all the way they write their letters and everything. It's very strange. It's so cool looking. We all start popping out like that aunt who had that fungus. That shit.

All the Russians come with a gas mask. Right. You smell the trees burning. Yeah. Yeah. Do you get worried about this whole ukraine war thing it seems a little speaking of amsterdam we're in amsterdam there's a russian comedian over there he's doing a spot at the comedy cafe over in amsterdam we're like hey you guys and he goes that's just media there's

no war that's what these r people said. There's no war. So the Russians don't believe the war's real? Maybe that was just that group because they just said, no, that's ridiculous. Well, here's the thing. Russia does not have an open society. Like, you can't just print anything you want in the news. You can't just, you know, they don't have the kind of freedom to talk about stories that we have in America. They have control of their internet.

And they also punish dissidents. They punish people. So if you're over there, you want to believe what they tell you? Who knows what they tell you? What do the people in Russia think is going on with Ukraine? We didn't get that deep into it. Because, because you know of course one of the other comedians

said something to them about the war and they go that's not true that's just which that's what they put on television they want you to believe that but there's no are there the russian equivalents to people that tell you that trump won the election? I guess probably, yeah. Trump won that election. He's my president. Yeah. Isn't that maybe the Russian equivalent of that? But in America, at least you have. In Florida, they wear the shirts with the flag on them. I don't need to mask them free.

If you are in Russia, how much access to the actual news do you have? I don't know. How much access to the whole world? How dangerous is that for you? Like if you decide to use a firewall, you know, some sort of VPN. These people were in Amsterdam.

This guy, whoever he is, this big comedian in Russia, and they were doing something there for all Russian audience. And they looked at us like we were, I wasn't doing the questioning. Like you're naive. Like,

like, you guys believe that? Like, that's not even real. That's just media hype or something. Damn.

Like, wow. Imagine being that confident. Yeah. They, they, they were. Like,

why would you be that confident? They, yeah, they were. They were that confident. Yeah, they were. Like, why would you be that confident? Yeah, they were. They were that confident to tell us, yeah, you know, basically you don't know what you're talking about. Please don't believe that. And there were some comedians from England, and there was us, America, and we all said, no, no, no, there's a war. No, it's not.

We're going to do our comedy show in here tonight. And we're going to laugh it up. Go do what the fucking Americans and English people do. And Dutch people do. Yeah. It's like, wow. Wow. If you don't know, you don't know.

It's not that he didn't know, right? He doesn't want to talk about it. That's what it sounds like. Yeah. But it wasn't just one person. It's like, you know, like, hey, what do you guys think about that? Oh, come on. Enough with this already.

I don't know. Yeah. Maybe he's just tired of talking about it. Maybe. He's been talking about it, I bet, for a year. Yeah. Imagine being a Russian dude. Everywhere you go, they're asking you about Ukraine.

You're like, what the fuck do you want me to ukraine like what the do you want me to do yeah what do you want me to do i'm over here selling watches yeah what do you want me to do you know it's just weird that a comedian is running the country wild and you saw him play the piano with his dick. No, no. You didn't see that? No, I didn't see that. Didn't he do it, though? No.

He did. No. That's what was going on across the street. No, okay. But didn't Zelinsky do something like that? No, I don't know. Oh, I don't know that. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Did he do that? Yeah, I think it was part of his act. Oh, but I was talking about the guys from Puppetry of the Penis. Right. They had their show. Me and Greer were in this venue, and he was in that venue. Okay, I'm confused.

Because I think I watched a video of Zelensky doing this comedy routine where he's like in front of a piano. Yeah. Oh, okay. Playing piano with his penis. Yeah. So, but they don't see their penises, so who knows what's really going on. But they do take their pants down. Here it goes.

Let me hear some. No. They're not really making that noise. Right? I don't think you... Now, you were skeptical before. I knew what I believed. Now, this is serious.

No, I'm just kidding. You think that one's real? I'm very skeptical. Very skeptical that that was real. Yeah, no shit. You can't even see the piano. There's probably no... Tony Woods, I love you.

Thank you for doing my club this weekend. Man, thank you for having me. Very excited to have you. Show the world. Let them know. Tell everybody your social media so they can follow you. What am I? I'm Tony Woods with a Z on Instagram.

And then I got a website too, man. Tonywoods.com? I don't know. The Tony Woods. I think it's Yeah Is that it? TheTonywoods.com Yeah that's my thing

That's me Alright Thank you Tony And I'm supposed to be doing A special the first week of August Which Dave's supposed to produce it It's up in New York Beautiful

Yeah I don't Wait I don't know If I'm supposed to say that Too late Too late. Too late. Bye, buddy. Bye. Bye.

Bye.