The Joe Rogan Experience - #2030 - Protect Our Parks 9

Episode Date: September 5, 2023

Shane is the co-host of "Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast" with Matt McCusker and one half of the sketch comedy duo "Gilly and Keeves" with John McKeever. Watch his new stand-up special "Beautiful Dogs" September 5 on Netflix. www.shanemgillis.comMark is the co-host of the podcasts "Tuesdays with Stories" with Joe List and "We Might Be Drunk" with Sam Morril. Watch his latest stand-up special "Soup to Nuts" on Netflix.www.marknormandcomedy.comAri is the host of "The Skeptic Tank" and "You Be Trippin'" podcasts. His latest special, "Ari Shaffir: Jew," is available now via YouTube.www.arishaffir.com

The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night. All day. It starts. God damn it. The pun gun. Come on, boys. Let's go.

Oh, sunglasses. Not yet. They're options. I'm ready. I need them. Norman doesn't fuck around. He gets here, he's got them ready to go. The lights hurt my eyes.

Well, you had a rough one last night. The city brings out the evil in me. It's a party town. It really is. It's always been a party town. It's great. It's a fun town. You guys went to see Nether Hour too, right?

Yeah, it was fun. Those guys are cool. They're really good. I'd only seen them after the Vulcan shows, but this was the first time I saw them at their own show. They were like, oh, you're crushing it. And Uncle Lazer. Yeah.

Uncle Lazer got on him fucking played the harmonica I just it was a little coke phenomenal phenomenal That's all he was a dude coke also good at harmonica He's ripped dude. I like that guy. He's funny. He's fun good. It's like he ain't faking it. No, he's not You know me that's that guy. Yeah, he's a wild boy. Yeah. But I had like one heart to heart with him, and he pulled me aside. He didn't break character at all. He was like, brother, let me ask you something. I was like, oh, man, you're crazy.

Wow. What a night. Ric Flair, Waka Flocka, Uncle Lazer. Waka Flocka, Uncle Lazer. Like a Mad Lib. It was crazy. It's fun, right? It's funny, too, because my uncle is named Uncle Lazer.

He was a cantor. Oh, that's hilarious. Every time I hear that name, I'm like, what? Uncle Lazer. Your uncle's is named Uncle Lazer. He was a cantor. Oh, that's hilarious. Uncle Lazer. Your uncle's name was Uncle Lazer? Yeah. You had an Uncle Lazer? Yeah.

Was he a fucking American gladiator? What did he do? He was a Holocaust survivor. Did you guys hear the story about those American gladiators? They got like no money. Really? Yeah, they got like no money. They were celebrities.

I know. They got fucked. They got royally fucked. The Holocaust is the ultimate obstacle course. I was reading something about Jamie. Were you the one who told me about Jamie? Yeah, it was a documentary. There's two documentaries actually.

Salute. Salute. Cheers, boys. Gentlemen. Hey. Praise Allah. So good. So good to see you guys.

What is this? Number nine? Ten? Nine. Nine. Let's fucking go. Nine. Let's fucking go. Those American Gladys, bro, that's like

pro wrestling. That job. That's a hard-ass job. That's like you're crashing into people and stuff. You're taking people down. You're fucking battling with big Q-tips. You're taking steroids and you're just spearing strangers. They beat the fuck out of some people. Oh, they really unloaded

on those guys, too. They were like, gah. And those women. They barely got paid. Really? It was NBC, too, wasn't it? Remember that hamster wheel they would run in? I'm sorry.

One of those broke, and I went to the guy's back. They said he needed 75 stitches. The hamster wheel? Yeah. Really? Jesus Christ, dude. Damn. I used to love that Ninja Warrior show. Oh, that's just Yeah. Really? Jesus Christ, dude. Damn. I used to love that

Ninja Warrior show. Oh, that's just great. That's a fun show. Bro, some people are really good at that. It's very entertaining. Like, to be really good at that, you gotta be a fucking athlete. You know who the best was? Like, the 106-pound women. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they could just hold themselves up forever. You know, we found that on Fear Factor.

When we did, like, these guys had to hang from a pole over some water and The men broke way before the women. Yeah, well, they're lighter. Yeah, makes sense. The only thing they're better at They say hanging is like really good for you just to hang I mean I do that every day really yeah, yeah, I do that every day And then I also have this thing that I do where I hinge from my waist It's upside down. Yeah, it's like it, but you don and then I also have this thing that I do where I hinge from my waist. Go upside down?

Yeah, but you don't go upside down from your ankles. The same company makes it, but I prefer this one because all the weight is literally from your waist forward. You're not holding any weight in your legs, which I think makes you more tense, and you might tense your back up. With this, you just lean forward. What is that thing called, Jamie? We talked about it a gang of times. The Dex 2. The Dex 2. The Dex 2. We have one of those out here. That thing is the shit.

That is the shit for your back, man. You can also do back extension exercises on it, but just to hang there. I hang there in the mornings. Oh, wow. Yeah, I get in there and I feel everything go pop, pop, pop. You ever put the wife in there and really give it to her? Hey, easy. This is a family show. You ever put the wife in there and really give it to her? Hey, easy. This is a family show.

Making all these positions there. Yeah, you could do a lot with that. You ever do just like a jumping jack? Just like a basic thing? Do I? Yeah. No, I do not do that. But it's a good move.

Jumping jacks are really good. Yeah, trampoline, very good. That side-to-side shit. I used to do a lot of those, a lot of side-to-side things. Yeah. Until my last knee issue. Jumping jacks is when I knew we were gonna lose the war in Iraq Those guys teaching the Iraqi military they're like alright, we're gonna do physical fitness Oh like the terrace not the terrace the like Iraqi police

Oh, like the guys on our sides we had our guys training them and they would try to do jumping jacks It was like yeah, let's watch Isis does the the bars monkey bars guys training them and they would try to do jumping jacks and it was like, yeah, let's watch some of that. Really? I didn't know that. They can't do jumping jacks. ISIS does the bars. ISIS monkey bars. Yeah, monkey bars. Monkey bars. Hilarious. The sleepaway camp workout. Did you guys ever see those videos of like kids in the 1960s in high school doing physical fitness? Yeah, it's jacked. Everybody's fucking

Everybody's like ripped and they're all doing chin-ups. They're all doing monkey bars. They're like swinging. Yeah, they're ripped. They have 12 packs. What happened? What the fuck? I think it's plastic. They're all doing monkey bars. They're like swinging. Yeah, they're ripped. They have 12 packs if what happened I think it's plastic. Well, there's a lot of preservatives guys. This is ninja Knowledge of jumping jacks has been Separate his legs at all. This guy's hilarious.

He's opening and closing every jump. It's like when the black comic brings the white guy on to dance. These guys are amazing. He's doing the Kremlin dance. What the fuck is that? What is he doing? We're going to win. I'm excited they're doing the YMCA.

It does look like that. It's fun to stay at the... Ah, yes, yes. Bro, everyone sucks. One guy quit. He was like, I'm excited doing the YMCA. It does look like that. It's fun to stay at the... Ah, yes, yes. Bro, everyone sucks. One guy quit. He was like, I'm done. Yeah. This is stupid.

I'm all about a lot, Barber. These jumping jacks are too much. It's too stupid. Why am I doing this? When is this going to come up? I just want to kill myself. In real life combat. When is this going to come up?

Oh, my body feels better. A little hair. A touch. A touch of the poison. Yeah, so here's the kids. Look at these freaks, dude. Wow. These are fucking young boys in 1962.

Well, they were scared of the race war. This is all before plastic hit. What the fuck is this? Preservatives. It's plastics. Body shaming. Plastics? Yeah.

Microplastics. So thin. Not an ounce of body fat. They're endocrine disruptors. Look at that kid's in high school. Well, there was war in the air. You still had toine disruptors. Look at that kid in high school. Well, there was war in the air. You still had to fight in the war. There was war in the air.

World War II had just ended. We were talking about going to Vietnam. Look at these hot ass kids. This is Ninja Warrior shit. Look at these kids. Animals. This is sexy. Look at this.

They're all shirtless and sexy. But I bet none of them wrote a good book. I bet none of them sang a song anybody wanted to listen to. That's fun. We're fully loaded. We're hyper-aggressive Americans. Yeah, wow. I wonder.

I think that the microplastic thing is real. If you look at, there's a woman who wrote this book called Countdown. Her name is Shanna Swan. She's a doctor from Harvard, right? I always ask. Yeah, a taint lady, right? Taint lady. Yeah, a taint lady. right? Taint lady. Yeah, the taint lady.

Talk to taints on here. When you expose your phthalates, like it's a type of, it's a chemical that's in plastics and some other things. It disrupts her endocrine system and it fucks up with mammals. It makes, with the males, it makes their taint smaller. It makes their dick smaller. It makes their balls smaller. It makes their sperm count go up. their balls smaller, it makes their sperm count

go up. They find them in human beings. These are studies they've done in mammals. One of the best ways to determine male or female in young mammals is the male's taint is 50-100% larger. So they look at that

to see if it's a boy or a girl. And when you expose the animal to phthalates that shrinks and it sort of feminizes the boys they have less testosterone their penises shrink their taint shrink son of a bitch and there's a similar effect in human beings and she believes that that's the driving force and she thinks that we've been exposed since people have been using microwaves and everything's in plastic and water bottles in your car. Water bottles in your car, yeah. All these different chemicals.

And then there's fertilizers and pesticides and herbicides and all that shit. Fish that eat the plastics. All that shit's getting into your body. It sucks to be the guy that was dating her. He was like, what are you researching? She's like, why is everybody's dick small these days? What are you talking about, honey? She's a hilarious older woman.

She's really funny, man. She has a thing on her Instagram called the jizz quiz. Whoa! I love that. It's like she's funny, but she's talking about real science. It's kind of a disarming way to do it because she's such a sweet lady. She's so funny, but she's talking about what's going on with microplastics. If you jizz in her face without telling her, it's a pop quiz.

Blah! God damn it. You motherfucker. God damn it. You never know when it's going to come up. Imagine if that really is it. And imagine when they introduced plastics to humans. It was just inevitably going to weaken us as a species.

Altered us. And there's no way we could have known because we'd never had plastic before. So there was no plastic forever. And then 19-whatever it is, 50s? When does it start where people start using plastics everywhere? Milk used to come in a jar. At that same time, there's a direct drop in sperm cell count, and women are having more miscarriages. Whoa.

Yeah, less fertility from both the male and the female, and the males. So it's not just feminizing. It's messing up the females, too. And it's doing something to the males. It's crushing its reproductive system. I think she said we'd eat a credit card of plastic a week. Yeah, that's what she said. But there's some dispute about that.

It's like it's an average thing. Like are some people getting way more of it or are some people getting none of it? Like is there a way to avoid it? Yeah, you know what's weird when you check into a hotel and you see a family and they bring in like a 20 case of bottled water and you're like, what are you doing? You're going to be here two nights. Do you need all that bottled water? You just of bottled water and you're like what are you doing? You're going to be here two nights.

Do you need all that bottled water? You just buy bottled water. Where the fuck did it come from? Was it on a boat in Thailand for a month? Drifting across the ocean. Where did your water come from? I don't even ask. I just drink it.

So what if I'm drinking some bullshit fucking chemicals that's going to make my tank shrink? I'm a tap man. I just drink it. So what if I'm drinking some bullshit fucking chemicals that's going to make my tank shrink? I'm a tap man. I love tap. It's really not good for you. Tap water is not good for you. Everybody in New York loves saying New York has the best tap water. That's so ridiculous.

Zero chance that's true. Saying my shit smells the sweetest. Well, that's true. It's like they said the water's good, but the taps are all shitty. So you're drinking the rust. Bro, who's cleaning. New York, it's like they said the water's good, but the taps are all shitty. So you're drinking like the rust. Bro, who's cleaning those pipes? Nobody. That's what I mean.

The rats. What's in those? Imagine if you could get like a camera down a mile or so into those pipes and see the crud. I had a landlord tell me it was normal for it to come out brown in the beginning. And I was like, can I come to your house and see if it's like that there? What the fuck are you talking about? You're supposed to drink that? You're supposed to bathe in that?

Get the fuck out of here. I do the shower with the mouth open. You ever do that one? Let it flow right in? When I was a kid, I used to chug shower water. I do that today. There's some real disputes about fluoride in water, too. Yeah.

To be honest, I'm not super well versed in it. It's good for the teeth. Yeah. Apparently, sort of. But what's really good for the teeth. Apparently, sort of. But what's really good for the teeth is brushing your fucking teeth. It's like, are we sure that you're supposed to be dumping fluoride in the water that

people drink? It is a bit of an assumption. Do you know that fluoride lowers your IQ? No! Yeah, it does. Shit. Exposure to fluoride lowers your IQ. Come on. I mean, I don't know what the number is. What exposure to, how much exposure to fluoride lowers your IQ?

I've been drinking it for 39 years. Straight. Imagine how fucking smart you used to be. You'd be so much less autistic. Bob Giz, please. You were robbed. Bob Giz. I thought everybody knew how to say how much. You were robbed. Pop jizz. I thought everybody drank that. It says a significant inverse relationship was found between the fluoride concentration in drinking water and IQ.

It was observed that the IQ level was negatively correlated with fluoride concentration in drinking water. It literally makes you dumber. Pop quiz. It literally makes you dumber Pop quiz But then again you're buying this bottle water From who knows where That's been sitting on a dock I'm not asking

I mean none of us are asking questions I don't even know where Poland Spring is Unhook my microphone We gotta vote for RFK he'll save us What's the reason for that Is there a real good reason for fucking dumping fluoride In the water It started so long ago What's the reason for that? Is there a real good reason for fucking dumping fluoride in the water? I'm sure the company that...

It started so long ago. What's the benefit? Let's Google that. What's the benefit of fluoride? It's barely statistically significant. The benefit was this. It was teeth-strong cavities. It keeps teeth strong and reduces cavities.

I guess the British aren't doing it. Also called tooth decay by about 25% in children and adults. Drinking fluoridated water. Right, but what does it do to your brain? And how much of an effect, how much better is it than just brushing your teeth? Don't they say it's to cause communism? But what's the reason for this? I mean, we're forcing people to take care of their teeth,

and everybody else is going to lose IQ points? Like, what? Is that the fucking deal? Is there a better way? But hold on a second. Like, isn't there a better way? Can't you just clean your fucking teeth? Like, I don't have any cavities.

What are you doing? I was going to brush, but I decided to chug out of the sink. Why do they give a shit about teeth? Goddamn, dude. Since the mid-1940s, compounds containing mineral fluoride have been added to community water supplies throughout the U.S. to prevent tooth decay. Boy, that sounds weird. If I wanted to put on a fucking tinfoil hat right now. Health concerns expressed by opponents have largely been dismissed until recently.

Now evidence is mounting that in the era of fluoridated toothpaste and other consumer products that boost dental health, the potential risks from consuming fluoridated water may outweigh the benefits for some individuals. Last summer, for the first time in

53 years, the U.S. Public Health Service lowered its recommended levels of fluoride in drinking water boy we're getting started early huh i mean with that that if i was making fluoride i would be like shut the fuck up i think that's what they're doing it might be fluoride people are like no you need it in your water. Shouldn't we research? Shut up. Yeah. Shut the fuck up. I got a lot of fluoride in my eye. But imagine any other trade-off like that. Imagine any other trade-off that lowers IQs.

Like, imagine if we came along and said, we're going to put sunscreen in everybody's apples. Because some people are going to get cancer because they're not wearing sunscreen. Yeah. I know. And okay, well, now everybody has to eat sunscreen apples? Is that the new rule? That's what the fuck this is like. This is like forcing everybody to eat sunscreen apples.

Like, hey, bitch, I brush my fucking teeth. Don't make me drink this stuff. What's in there? Well, we got rid of lead paint. And when you use one of them filters, does that get all the fluoride out? I doubt it. It gets a lot of shit out. You ever put Hi-C in there?

Just see, it's still kind of pink. Really? Yeah, when it goes through. It's not, like, clear. That's not good. You're a Hi-C. I'm a Hi-K. Hi-K.

With that beard, he's a fucking B-plus in the mountains. I know. Look at this guy. In the mountains, you're a man who knows how to start a fire. Moses. Yeah, right. You'd be like, I'm trusting you with fire. I'm like, you shouldn't.

You look like a guy who knows where the fucking woodchucks are. Oh, these ponds are safe to drink from. I don't know beavers here. Yeah, there's a thing that people drink out of ponds with. It's like a- Camelback thing, yeah. Yeah, you like- Light straw. Light straw. Yeah, light straw. thing that people drink out of ponds with. It's like a... Camelback thing, yeah. Yeah, you put it in there and... Yeah, LifeStraw, that's it.

Really? Yeah, you suck through the... You can drink like... You can drink anything. Where animals have been pissing. Like if cows have been pissing in a puddle, you can drink it. Those Brita's are filthy. Brita filters keep a healthy level of fluoride.

What? Oh, God. They do not remove fluoride. And it says on their website, a healthy level of fluoride. They're in cahoots. A healthy level of fluoride. They are in cahoots, dude. I'm sick of fluoride. What? Oh, God. They do not remove fluoride, and it says on their website, a healthy level of fluoride. They're in cahoots. A healthy level of fluoride. They are in cahoots, dude. I'm sick of fluoride. But who the fuck decides what the healthy level of

thing that lowers your IQ is? Big fluoride. Yeah. Who's running that? Whoa. If it's George Soros, I would be pissed. Who's running big fluoride? He runs everything. If you were a journalist, wouldn't this be something you would cover? Yeah. No.

It would just be a nice story. How many journalists have covered this in the New York Times? We've got to cover the Black Mermaid first. Or a really good paper, The New Yorker, The Atlantic. Wouldn't you want to cover this? No. Journalism's dead. There's so many stories about politics, no stories about advances in medical shit.

You know what I mean? You never hear stories about that. It's always just anger and never anything good. Like, we're doing better than we were 20 years ago. For sure. But I think that's always how people are, dude. People are always extremely dissatisfied. And because of everyone that's access to the internet, everybody's in conflict all the time.

Oh, yeah. Tribal. It's so bizarre to watch people get political about medicine. Oh, my God. I know, right? They're political about everything. Everything. The movies.

Everything. They're getting me, dude. It's starting to work. Tucker going to Twitter is killing me, dude. Why? He's watching the shit out of those videos. I'd be like, yo, Tucker's right about everything. He had Portnoy on. Every single one of those

I watch, I'm like, god damn. Tucker knows. Now he's calling Obama gay a lot. Bro, that is wild. That is wild. You ever go down that Michelle Obama's a man rabbit hole? Yeah, but it's all photoshopped. Eddie Bravo sent me one, and I sent

him the original. Oh, really? Oh, no, I didn't sent me one, and I sent him the original. Oh, really? Oh, no, I didn't send him. I need to send him the original. Her on Ellen was like a funny one. Great arms. There's all these pictures that exist that are definitely doctored. Pull them up.

It's her like two feet taller than Ellen. It's her with a dick. We've done this every time. Have we? Jamie, help me out on this. J-Mo. We have to have done Big Mike before. I don't think we did Big Mike.

I don't know if we did. Tim Dillon definitely did. We did Big Mike with Tim Dillon. Did Tim Dillon's video, did that get removed from Twitter? What do you mean? What's one? Someone put on Instagram, I believe, that Tim Dillon's video where he was saying that Michelle Obama should run for president and if she won, she could pull her cock out and China would just give

up I was fucking wheezing I couldn't breathe Big Mike big Mike Big Mike It's like he's it's but it come on tell me it isn't one of the fun things about the internet of course these are fun we had a cab driver on the way back from like Dixie Chicks or something and he goes halfway back he goes Dixie Chicks yeah he goes where do you guys get your news well I'm like this is about to get

real good you manage that we're going I was like oh they just call themselves the checkers just chicken call themselves whatever they want, but I don't change. Chicks sounds worse. Still candlestick. Yeah, Chicks is like not. That's lame. Dixie Chicks is a good name. It's way cooler.

What happened? People got mad at them. They were one of the first people to get canceled. Really? Yeah, they said they were embarrassed to be from the United States because of George Bush. They're like, why are we going to war with Iraq? Yeah. Shut up.

Shut up, you fucking whore. Yeah, it was rough. They were like the first people to get severe backlash. Really? I mean, now in retrospect, everybody knows that war was insanity. You just couldn't taste shit then. Rogan did an episode of Late Friday. It was a stand-up show and they go, no, tell me if I'm wrong.

They said, no George Bush jokes, no military jokes. Whoa, he's the president. Yeah, it was a stand-up show, and they go, no, tell me if I'm wrong. They said, no George Bush jokes, no military jokes. Whoa, he's the president. Yeah, it was a weird time, though, man. It was a very strange time. But looking back, the Bush hate was quaint compared to the shit now. Oh, it was fun. Compared to the Obama hate and the Trump hate. But you know what it was?

It didn't get accelerant thrown on it. Exactly. The social media accelerant. It was always in the air. Everybody was furious at Bush for getting us into that war. But it didn't... It was like...

No one was talking about it day to day. It wasn't like constantly in your face. If the news didn't cover it, you really didn't know about it. And the news would... They would certainly be slanted, the left-wing news against Bush. Was Fox News even around back when Bush was president?

I don't remember. Yeah, it was just more normal. It wasn't as salacious. It was, who was that? Was it normal? Who was that white-haired guy that Mitzi used to love? Oh. He was on there all the time.

No, no, no. I mean, like, he was a. Wolf Blitzer? Nah, after him. He had, like, the late-night show or daytime show. O'Reilly? O'Reilly. O'Reilly. Yeah. Yeah. White hair. O, or daytime show. O'Reilly? O'Reilly. O'Reilly. Yeah.

O, O, O, O'Reilly. Yeah, he was an interesting guy. Pop quiz. He was an interesting guy because it was like, what are you selling? He was like 6'8". Was he? Huge. Damn, O'Reilly rules. Huge. He was Tucker Carlson's precursor.

You ever see when he was talking about the, like, I know God exists because the tide goes in, the tide goes out. Why does that happen? You can't explain it. Yeah, the guy's like, the moon. What the fuck? The moon and gravity. I love those.

I can definitely explain it. I'm going to start using that. Let me give you a- I'm an idiot. You got a chalkboard, bitch? I love those guys. You can't explain it, so it must be God. Yeah.

The tide goes in, the tide goes out. They say the menstruation cycle is due to the tides have you heard this pull it up really but if that were true wouldn't all chicks be in the same so Dixie chicks the moon's getting them at different times yeah true yeah where's the moon where's has their period. Get out of town. Michelle Obama had a band, Chicks with Dicks. Oh, that one didn't work. You could have just kept Dixie Chicks. Oh, yeah.

Michelle Obama's favorite band, Dixie Chicks. I had to do it. Damn, I'm slow. No, you're good. I think all these fucking Looney Tunes conspiracies are fun. They're so fun. And that's what drove me crazy about the old Twitter. It's like, I'm smart enough to know the earth isn't flat stupid.

Let these people talk about it. Let these fucking people talk about it. It's fun to listen. I don't mind listening. I like when they get angry and call people globe heads. I want to fucking hear it. Let them talk, man. So, dude, this cab driver went from Michelle Obama's a man to Nancy Pelosi's a man to Madonna is a man.

And he goes, look it up. AlternativeNews.com. What about Leah Thomas? They wouldn't say that. Yeah, you can't say that. Yeah, and I go, what do they have to stand to gain by being a man and hiding it? He goes, what? Well, first of all, in today's day and age, if they say they're a woman, they're a woman.

So they're all women so shut the fuck up bigot secondly Very important right very important point anybody can be a woman now. She's fucking open entry Jamie and But also like how do you explain they have kids like Madonna's got kids men could get pregnant But she was like pregnant. He showed me a basic slide video of a filter not too many pictures of Michelle Obama pregnant just saying Fucking you have creeper hard to find I've been a search Yeah, but the thing about it is why would they post it how many pictures of you and your underwear are there on the internet?

so many Why would anybody have pictures of them, you know, or her pregnant? Isn't that personal? Tell that to Ellie Wong. I mean, there's a lot of pregnant specials. There's a few. There's so many pregnant specials. But Ellie was the goat.

She was the goat. Ellie was the originator. Yeah, good for her. I think it fucking added to it. It did. Oh, yeah. Yeah, because she had a legit reason to be pissed off. Carrying a giant baby inside of her.

That's hard to do. Isn't it funny that with medical science, one of us could have a baby now? You think? Yeah, they're talking about trans people are talking about getting a uterus. This one guy. I think you get it. Ari's too old. This one person. I've been menopause.

This one person was clearly trolling. And what they said was that they wanted to get a uterus transplant and then be the first trans person to have an abortion. Everybody was getting angry. Both sides were angry at that. That's a good one. That's a good one. that I could see a world, maybe not today, but I could see a world in the future where if enough biological men wanted uterus transplants, they would start doing it. People would start doing it.

I mean, they'd probably start convincing people. Why would you want a uterus, though? It's safe and effective. Because they want to be a real woman. Why? They want to have women parts. All women parts. Yeah, but the bleeding, the pregnant, it's all a bummer. Eggs.

Seems like it sucks. Popcorn. It sounds like an insane science project. Juice quiz. It sounds like an insane science project. Sounds like a nightmare. Why can't we all just get along? We got so many great things.

We got Uber Eats and all this stuff. Let's just hang out. Why is everybody trying to make it drive that fucking uber eats imagine if the devil is real power dynamics imagine if the devil is real and all this chaos in society why can't we all just get alone all this chaos in society is just designed to get us to the point where we're willing to accept a biological male getting pregnant and then through that that's how Satan comes yeah it's like Damien like the omen remember that sure that's it that's the dude gives birth more story God's gonna

come back all right that's a wrap, you fucking dummies. You guys are great. Let's wrap it up. What the fuck are you doing? That's when the aliens would land. It's like when you're in an escape room. We need help. You gotta press the button. Right. Where's that kid now?

That probably fucked that kid up. He went from cover of the Nirvana album to this? Looks like he met Kevin Spacey. Dude, imagine if you're a little kid and you're in a huge movie where you play the most evil motherfucker that's ever lived. And then everywhere you go, people look at you sideways now. He's scary. How do you cast that? Nah, not evil enough.

That kid's the devil. You got it. All he did was look normal. That's how terrifying children are. They're still. It is true. If a kid's got a straight face and looks at you, you're like, hello, Shane. Yikes.

You know where things are? That's where you've got to get them preemptively. You've got to go, come here, baby. Touch him. Shake him. The only time when a baby is scary is when it's at nighttime in the woods. Or when it tears. You see a baby just standing there staring at you.

What are you talking about? That's the scariest thing. What are you doing here? A naked baby just in the trail, just standing there staring at you. That's terrifying. You'd be like, what the fuck is going on? You'd be like, first of all, is this a trap? Are they like, do I go towards the baby and then they rush me?

Or is this baby a demon? Yeah, like is this a fake baby like why is this baby naked in the woods alone night? Do we found a baby in northern Thailand or moped and around we saw a baby on the road? Yeah, what the fuck there was a house like 200 yards up like this your baby. It's like oh my god Thank you so much. Do you guys have cigarettes? Ah? It's a fucking bait baby. Damn. A bait baby. A bait baby. So they put the baby out so people save the baby.

Oh my god. A couple of loosies. Yeah, a couple of loosies go a long way. They used to do a thing where they throw a baby and you instinctually catch it and then they pickpocket you. Oh my god. Because you have to catch it. Yes. How wild is part of the world? catch it and then they pickpocket you. Oh my God. Because you have to catch it. You got to catch your baby.

Yes. How wild is part of the world? I was in Thailand. I was watching this whole family on a moped. There was a baby. It's like a starfish. They had a baby. The guy was riding.

The baby was sitting here. The wife was behind him. Pull it up. I was like, this is insane. You have a baby on a moped. People hang on both sides. It's funny. We get frustrated. We're like, oh, we got to take our family on family on vacation these yeah, fuck you're in a giant van

Imagine being like alright. We gotta go everyone get on my fucking back We got a with flip-flop on with flip and they're going to work to it's not like they're going funds fucking great Giraffe of motorcycle blood on their hands meanwhile. Here's the rub everybody over there is really happy Yeah, they're happy they're very a very friendly some of the nicest people sure Yeah, yeah, so what is that simple life? What is that? I mean? I don't know yeah like those Indian people who live Poor shit, they're all happy Holy hell That is insane. Oh Oh they don't usually

Have a shelf They usually just hang on Wow That is insane That is insane Damn That's impressive It is impressive

Look they're all smiling Well it's funny Even they know it's funny Jeez that's so wild I don't know That guy had a giant basket And a whole family Behind him on a motorcycle

Jeez I'm like weak to rest The guy in the middle does not seem happy. He seems like he lost the link. I will take an Uber pool to save my life. These people are getting a fucking moped with a family. Uber pool can get weird, though, right? Oh, yeah.

COVID killed it. Yeah, right. Yeah, it's gone. It was gone for a while. Try to go left line. Any of you guys get the newest COVID yet? It's back, baby. I might have it a while. Try to go left line. Any of you guys get the newest COVID yet? It's back, baby. I might have it right now.

You feel like shit? No, I just have had a cold for a few days. Oh, you've had it. You got it, you son of a bitch. There's no more regular colds anymore. It's just COVID. They just call it that. That's what I always say.

I mean, I don't think, if you have the regular cold, like that's not even cool. It's not cool at all. It's not cool at all. Yeah, if you had COVID for one day, that's way better than the regular cold, like, that's not even cool. It's not cool at all. It's not cool at all. Yeah, if you had COVID for one day, that's way better than the regular cold for, like, a week and a half. It's like these rich chicks who can't just get a headache. They have to have a migraine. Oh, yes. They always have fucking migraines.

Always migraines. Yeah, they can't be saved. I think migraines are debilitating. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. I think they're debilitating. I think, like, you're on your knees. Really? Yeah. I'm sure that severityilitating. I think you're on your knees. Really? Yeah.

I'm sure that severity is different with different people. I think Terrell Davis sat out of the Super Bowl for a little while with a migrant. It's that bad. Can't take a little time off. That guy, it was his dream, and he worked hard. Really? He was like, I can't see. Oh, my God.

What causes those? J-Mo, you remember that? I know you remember that, J-Mo. Yes, dude. A debilitating migraine almost took him out of the Super Bowl. Maybe CTE? Oh, yeah. Well, you've got to think that's a factor.

Great teeth on that. Look at that fluoride. Great teeth. That's a late addition. That was in his playing days. These poor football players, man. So what does he say here? A migraine eventually came on

And forced Davis to sit out of the second quarter of the game He didn't let it stop for long, though As he was back in the field after halftime Forgot to take his medicine pre-game Oh, he has medicine for migraines During his pre-game meal two hours before kickoff What kind of preventative medicine Do they have for migraines, Jamie?

I have no idea I had a friend that in high school If we would just start talking about it, he would get one. Wow. What? We would play basketball and he'd be like, if you guys fucking fuck me today and say that fucking shit, we'd just start mentioning it. I'm the same way with boners. Talk about it. I've got one.

I got Bluetooth. Really? All you have to do is think about it? Yeah, I mean, that's probably very weird. It's a little psychosemantic, obviously, but it would still take him out. He'd have to go lay down somewhere, couldn't see light. None of that. Definitely not at a gym.

That sucks. There is a lot of women like that if you start bringing up wanting to fuck them. He got a stomachache. That's all her. You nasty bitch. Don't lie to me. Sex is a good cure. It actually releases oxyquid.

Have you ever had a migraine? No. No? Never. I have. I was getting off caffeine.

I switched from like six cokes a day to six sprites at the comedy store. Six cokes a day? Yeah, and then it was like the drop in caffeine was like it

crushed me for a while. It hurts the head. The withdrawals. Yeah, that's one of the only things that I've ever taken a lot of and didn't realize I was taking too much of it. And then when I stopped, I had headaches.

I was writing this thing and I was drinking these crazy drinks, these sodas. They were filled with sugar and like massive amounts of caffeine. They had like skull and crossbones on them and shit. I forget. I don't even think the company's around anymore. We've talked about this before

There was like spicy there were like spicy sodas and like filled with caffeine and I was drinking It was something else no, no, it was like way cooler We were drinking like I mean I was drinking like seven or eight of them a night Jesus Yeah, so cuz I was writing I really up late at night And they were just fucking my brain was on fire when I was on those things and then I got off of it I finished this thing that I was writing and then I'm in my house like why does my head hurt so much? Yeah, and I was like oh my god. I'm going through withdrawals Did the caffeine how'd you kick it I just had a cup of coffee I was like, oh, my God, I'm going through withdrawals. That's withdrawals, yeah. I was like, wow. That's a tough feeling. I'm addicted to caffeine.

So how'd you kick it? I just had a cup of coffee. That's stupid. All I did, I had a cup of coffee. I was like, now I feel good again. There you go. I just decided you can never go that hard. Yeah.

You know? And I'm certainly addicted to caffeine. I drink caffeine. I drink coffee basically every day. Same. I love it. I love it. Love it. There's no evidence it's bad for caffeine. I drink caffeine. I drink coffee basically every day. Same. I love it. I love it. Love it.

There's no evidence it's bad for you. It's fun. I don't think it's bad for you. It's the best. As long as you stay hydrated, I don't think coffee's bad for you. You get to feel good for 10 minutes a day. A little bit of spice. And shit.

Tate Fletcher always used to say it's like a warm hug. Gaffigan had a good joke about it. Remember when coffee worked? Yeah. That's true. So true. Yeah, I talked to Michael Pollan about that, and he said that he did for this experiment that he did for that book that he wrote on psychedelics,

he took like three months off of coffee. No caffeine at all for three months. And then he said when he had a cup of coffee, it was like a drug. He said it was almost like a psychedelic. I bet. He said it was incredible like a psychedelic. I bet. He said it was incredible. When I started, if I drank past 10 a.m., I couldn't sleep. Really?

10 a.m.? Yeah, it would hit me so fucking hard. Yeah. But now it's fine. Now I can go, let's have some coffee. Most consumed drug in the world. Really? Oh, yeah, obviously.

Bro, Starbucks figured it out. I love it. What a baller business move. Let's get everybody addicted to coffee. He's already pouring a cup. Talking about it. You can get really good coffee at Starbucks if they have one of those weird machines. You know that fucking crazy machine that's already invented?

What's on an AeroPress? It's digital. So you pour in the exact grams of coffee, and it heats the exact temperature. It brews it for the exact same amount of time, and then a piston goes up and down. They just overcook. And you push the hockey puck out, and the coffee's perfect. They just overcook their beans. I don't like it.

But this one, they don't. With this, they don't. It's just they leave it hot for too long. Coffee's not... If you do it right, if you really know what you're doing, like my friend Evan, who owns Black Rifle Coffee, like they measure their coffee. They measure the temperature of the water. That's the thing. It's called a clover machine.

That's right. Whoa. I'd like to eat that. So this machine, you pour the grinds in there and it literally makes a perfect cup of coffee. Wow. I think it's insanely expensive. It's a lot. Well, it was at least $11,000.

$11,000? Too much. A cup of coffee is $5. That's crazy. For one cup of coffee I think it's insanely expensive it's a lot of what was at least $11,000 for one cup of coffee and but the coffee is perfect like I had one there was a Starbucks in California where I used to go that had one of these really I had a few different coffees from there and they were fucking sensational my shit I got a test in out. Look at that 90s. What? I mean, after that coffee, at 11,000 you're going to shit blood. It's not strong. It's just tastes perfect. It's not stronger than

regular coffee at all. It's just the whole thing is about real coffee dorks. Look at that 90s emo kid behind him. He looks like he's about to start the band. That guy could not look like more of a barista if he tried. I know, right? Barista explains it all.

That's a deep pull. That was a good one. Deep pull. That was a good one. The real-time coffee nerds. Bring up Clarissa. She explains it all. They do everything by, like, numbers.

Oh, really? They do everything by exact temperature, weight, exact amount of time brewing. Are you farting? Oh, Jesus. Squeaker to the highest degree. That sounded bad. That was a pop quiz. You sounded like you were trying too hard.

Sorry, I pushed it out. You should feel proud of that. That was funny as shit. That was my favorite part so far. There's more where that came from. I always feel like a dickhead when I go into my coffee shop. Really? You know, they're all like young, cool people with tattoos and shit.

Yeah, they make you feel that way. I just woke up. I'm in a Phillies jersey and gym shorts. Right. I feel weird. I bet you make them feel weird too, though. Definitely. Yeah, that's what's funny. I go in, the whole room. I feel weird. I bet you make them feel weird too though. Definitely. Yeah, that's what's funny.

I go in, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go,

I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go,

I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go,

I go, I go, I said, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go,

I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go,

I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go,

I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go,

I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go,

I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go,

I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, Non-stop for about 20 minutes. Yeah, you say you're writing. I got some good ideas exactly to hear about it

Somebody was comparing there was like some chart where they're comparing one of those Oatly one of those oat milk things I don't know which one but they said they're the same Glycemic index as a coca-cola. What does that mean? What's that real? That's a lot of sugar I heard almond milk is all sugar too. There's a lot Duncan Duncan told me, this stuff is delicious and it's good for you. I go, how many grams of sugar in that thing? Duncan Donuts. He texts me back, fuck. That's why it tastes good, dude.

You're drinking syrup. What's wrong with milk? Milk is good. I love half and half. It's bad for you. Is that oatly stuff? Dairy. My life's been shit since I stopped drinking milk, dude.

Okay, look at that. Wow. Holy shit. No one's drinking shit since I stopped drinking milk, dude. Okay, look at that. Wow. Holy shit. Well, that's if you drink 12 ounces. No one's drinking 12 ounces of Oatly. You don't drink a glass of it? You do a splash in your coffee. What?

Glycemic load sounds nasty. No, don't you think people drink it? Drink straight oat milk? I drink straight almond milk. I used to. I don't anymore, but I used to. So Oatly, for 12 ounces of Oatly, it's 19, what is that, grams? I feel like they should change the name of rapeseed oil.

It's the glycemic load. The glycemic load. Okay. So the glycemic load. That's a great word. The rapeseed. The glycemic load is 19 for Oatly and 20. Rapeseed oil?

What are they coming after that word? That's canola oil. They changed wandering Jew, but they will leave rapeseed. Wait, what was wandering Jew? It's a plant. Really? Yeah. Oh, shit.

Do you have any wandering Jews? I haven't heard that in about seven years. Wow. With that beard, that's you. Yeah, rapeseed's a weird one, right? Yeah. Why do they still have that around? Brazil nut.

Because I think it's canola oil, too. Yeah, it used to be. Brazil nut. Isn't it? Isn't it the same thing, Jamie? That's a good change. It's a good change. I'll change. I was against the Redsk too. Yeah, it used to be. Isn't it the same thing, Jamie? That's a good change. It's a good change. I was against the Redskins.

I'm good with Brazil now. Yeah. Fighting Irish is still around. Fighting Irish is great. It's like a drunk midget. Oh, yeah, good. I got a good fighting Irish story. Fitzsimmons talks about that.

Yeah, so rapeseed oil is canola oil. Why are they using that? This is called canola. Yeah, why do they have two different words? Wow, I think we know why. Rapseed oil is one of the oldest known vegetable oils. Where did the name come from? There are both edible and industrial

forms produced from rapeseed, the seed of several cultivators. Canola oil is a food-grade version derived from rapeseed cultivars, specifically bred for low uric acid content also known as low uric acid rapeseed oil there's a name for rapeseed coaching a lot where we're right rape them generally recognized as generally

recognized as safe look how that's phrased look at that but look up there look how that's phrases there's a There's a link you can click. See, it says generally recognized as safe. That just brings up Wikipedia, what that means. It's just a seed. Well, what are you talking about? Generally? Like, who doesn't think it's safe?

Generally means not completely safe. Yeah. If you say generally, I go, what? That's like when they approved OxyContin. It's believed to be non-addictive. That was the first time they ever had that language. That's crazy. I had Peter Berg on.

He's the guy who made the most recent Netflix one. What is it called? Painkiller. It was so good. It makes me realize any name drug they're prescribing, they're on the take. It's wild. It was so good. It makes me realize any name drug they're prescribing, it's like they're on the take. It's wild.

Oh, yeah. They're horrible people. Wild. Wild. How they got the salesmen to meet up with the good cases of like, this helped me,

so then they could sell it better to the doctors and like dress up with your tits out. Did you see that they found the dude who approved it? They had this guy from the FDA

would not approve it. Would not approve it. It was like one guy. And then they lock him in a hotel room for two days. Would not approve it. It was like one guy. And then they lock him in a hotel room for two days. And he comes out, and that was the language they used. It's believed. First time they've ever used that language.

Believed to be non-addictive. What are you talking about? Believed? That fucked up a lot. That fucked up the whole country. A lot of people. So they found this dude. He's in a rural town in New Hampshire. They always are.

With the money now. I mean, he went right from FDA to work for Purdue. Wow. And they gave him like a $400,000 a year job. Why don't the activists get on this? They're all worried about everything else. This is killing people. This is killing people.

Fucking guillotine out there. Well, in that show, the governor of West Virginia was like, it's killing our state. We've got to do something. He goes, ah, we're good. He got a job with them. It's so crazy. Like the mafia. It's so crazy.

Truly. It's so crazy. And then they were going to give these people, the Sackler family was going to give up like $6 billion. And through that, they wouldn't be able to get prosecuted. Yeah. And then a US judge, what is the story in that was a jury on? Juliani called somebody who called the White House and the White House called the DA and the DA called the guy goes now

Take make the deal 10 million 10 million, which is like a Giuliani on this which is like a little What do you mean 10 million? What are you talking about? That's they got almost a slap on the wrist and said we won't process No, no, no. No, I'm talking about the new thing the Sacklers apparently agreed to pay somewhere in the neighborhood of like, see if you can find the store. Six billion. So six billion dollars.

One percent of their profit. And in return, they were fucking very clever with the fine passes. Which they've never paid. Yeah, and so in return for that, they would not be able to get prosecuted. But apparently they put the kibosh on that after painkillers came out. People were like, what the fuck did you do? Good.

You ever take an Oxycontin? No, it's pretty damn good. That's what Peter Berg was saying. Oh, yeah. How great it is. Remember Brett Favre? Was it Brett Favre? Brett Favre was on it.

I'm addicted to painkillers. I got to go to rehab. People were like, okay. But no one looked into what that means. Yeah, everyone was like, Brett Favre's a fucking idiot. It turns out everybody in the country was addicted to it. Right. There's so much of it floating around.

There's somebody on it right now listening. Yeah. There's so much of it. Yeah, he's taking a nap. He's like, man, these guys are really harsh on my fucking mind. Brett Favre says he needs to take a month's worth of painkillers in two days. Wow. Holy shit.

Great dick pic. Gunslinger. What a legend, dude. Good for him. Yep. He's got to ease the pain. Oh, yeah, I remember that. He was taking them before games and shit. Great dick pic. Gunslinger. What a legend, dude. Good for him. Yep. Oh, yeah. I remember that. He was taking them before games and shit.

15 Vicodins at a time. Oh, my God. What a champ. Take a little more. Take a little more. Take a little more. How does he shit? I mean, he's a packer.

Look at what he said here. Did you just say I'm a bitch? A constipation joke. How dare you, Mark. That was good. That was great. We got a hit, dude. That was a good one.

We got a pumpkin. I tell people all the time that I took 15 Vicodin ES at one time, and they're like, didn't it knock you out? It did totally the opposite. I was up. That's kind of the way addictions, too. Wow. Way with addictions, too. What it's supposed to do, it doesn't, Favre said.

Oh, wow. Wow. Interesting. He's still kicking, though. Interesting. It wasn't just 96 when people knew about it because of the announcement. It was three years before. He was already hooked. He was in something about Mary.

That's right. Yeah. Interesting. Wow. Yeah, it's really bad. Well, it also really impairs judgment. Oh, yeah. They'll fucking lose themselves.

They'll steal from their friends. Crush it. Yeah, they'll do anything. It instantly makes you do heroin. I mean, that's always the thing. Like, if you know a guy who's got a pill problem, you don't just leave him in your house. Ambien, too.

Ambien will fuck you up. It's silly. They'll have to steal stuff. Even if it's your friend. What they always sold it to us is, like, Oxy is the same as heroin, but, like, yeah, but not exactly like it. And that show was like, no, no, no, it is.

It's just slow release. It's heroin. There's a great scene in the show that one doctor yells at the girl like yeah she's trying to sell it you have no idea what you're selling oh you're a drug dealer with a ponytail yeah yeah my two friends in high school died of methadone it's no joke yeah we used to uh play pool with the methadonians wow when I used to go to this pool this pool all that used to play out in white plains was right next to

these people that were on methadone so these methadone dudes would come in and my friend johnny used to call them the methadonians

they would come in and play in a pool like this couldn't phase them oh fucking sweet people couldn't phase them they were all terrible They were all terrible.

They were all terrible. They just leaned it on the table for 20 minutes. The guys who did heroin. It's your shot. Those guys were good at pool. The heroin guys were good. The heroin guy. One guy in particular was good.

Steady as nerves. Yeah. He was steady as nerves. You get in a zone, yeah, on heroin. This guy was a world championship caliber pool player. Doing heroin and he would shoot up. Wow. I mean, look at Mitch Hedberg.

He was killing. He was killing. But I think there's a freedom to that drug, just to like, who fucking cares? When you become a functioning heroin addict, not when you start taking weed, but once you're like, I can be fine on this. Yikes.

The heroin version of that. The thing is, if you know what it is, and you know what you're doing, and you're getting pure stuff, like Dr. Carl Hart, you know who that guy is? The guy from Columbia? Uh-uh. He's a brilliant guy who does drugs.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He does drugs. He's like, I just get the good stuff. He talks openly about how he likes to sniff heroin. He kills his lovely snort. Oh, yeah, the black guy. Yeah. Yeah, he's cool.

He's amazing. He's Columbia. Because he started out a complete straight-laced scientist with no experience with drugs whatsoever until he became a researcher. And then when he's researching, he's realizing, like, oh, a lot of the fears that we have of these things are overblown. A lot of the addictions are from things that have been stepped on. Yes.

He's functioning. He definitely looks like a doctor who's getting a heroin. Yeah. Right. And you're looking for, like, which one's the guy. But that's, you want him as your teacher. I think he teaches at Columbia. Oh, that'd be great.

Well, the thing is, he doesn't encourage you to do drugs, but he says that all societies do drugs. And this idea that they don't is ridiculous. We're all taking nicotine and drinking caffeine and alcohol. And, like, people are doing drugs. These are drugs. They're just state- are doing drugs. These are drugs. They're just state-approved drugs. Oh, yeah.

But it's just for a guy, it's hard to be a public academic and intellectual and to have that stance. Most of them are not willing to go out on that ledge. Not a lot of them are pro-heroin. No, no. He's pretty sick, though. Yeah, good for him.

He's like Galileo. He's making it work. Well, he's a legit scientisto he's making it work in a lot of well he's a legit scientist you know he's a legit phd he's you know he's for real he studies the effects of psychoactive drugs on humans he's detailed his drug use in a new book titled drug use for grown-ups chasing liberty in the land of fear wow heart who is currently on sabbatical until july is the chair of the prestigious university's psych department he hopes that coming clean about his drug use will help lead to decriminalization of illegal drugs.

Hart said that he first tried heroin six or seven years ago when he was already a tenured professor in his late 40s. This guy's doing heroin and he's smart. Yeah. He makes it doable. He's like, no, it's actually all right. Y'all are just getting into it too early. That's a legit brave person.

That quote was a heroin addict quote. He's like, I just snorted a little to feel refreshed and ready to take on another day. My sister said the same thing. Really? She's like, why'd I need it? Yeah, but he said when you get off of it, he said if you're really addicted to it, if you do it a lot and you get off of it, he said it's like the flu. He said it's people. That's what he said.

They overdo it. He was fibbing, dude. He said he did it, though. He said just you said it's people He said did it though trains died from it you can There well, I don't think very many people do though. They do die from Xanax Xanax withdrawals Danny Brown He says the use of heroin can be as rational As my alcohol use Like vacation, sex, and the arts Heroin is one of the tools that I use To maintain my work-life balance

Damn He rules That guy rules I don't like cool professors I don't like cool scientists I don't like cool professors Study, motherfucker, shut up Shut up.

Shut up and study. No, bro. That's the only way the message gets out there. Although that guy obviously is cool. He's got dreads and he's doing heroin. Yeah. A little fun teacher. He had a heroin down. Like, what do you do for a living?

He goes, I'm actually a tenured professor at Columbia. Shut up, bro. I know it's crazy. They fucking believe me. It's got to be the easiest class to pass, though. Yeah, he's nodding off the whole fucking time. Exactly. Hey, you failed your test.

You're on heroin. He's like, I need it. Oh, my God. How new is this needle? I love that. It's such a funny thing. So I can face a new day. It's like, yeah, dude, face a new day.

It sucks. Did he make it work? He's making it work? Everything sucks, dude. Yeah, but if you're on heroin, it's probably fun. Yeah, shit rules. But the comedown is going to be rough. Well, you figure out he's a scientist, so figure out what brings you back up again.

Yeah, heroin of the dog. It's all the dance. Heroin of the dog. I'm sure the right mixture of Adderall right afterwards would be heroin and Adderall. Yeah. Come down and woo, Adderall! We're heroin and heroin? Come down and woo Adderall! We're good baby! Let's get pizza! That's a great idea.

Next step. How many people are on that shit? That's another big one. That's going to be a problem. Speed, son. Oh yeah, I think Trump's on it. Same as that diabetes medication too that everybody's on now. That's got to be a disaster. That's got to be a new one.

We really haven't researched this for weight loss, but just everybody do it. Bad sign for our country. Well, every doctor's like, go for it. It's fine. I'll take a shot. Brian Simpson tried it, and he had to get off it. He was having gastrointestinal issues. I know people that were barfing a lot off it.

Yeah. Not good, man. Not good. No free lunch. You said it once, and you said it again. No lunch at all Not good. No free lunch. You said it once and you said it again. No lunch at all with it. No free lunch. So true.

No lunch at all. No biological free lunch. More lunch? FDA announces shortage of Adderall. No! Oh, shit. That was 2022 there, Jamie. Back to school.

There's still a shortage? I bet China makes it. They're like, you know what? You guys are getting cocky. Get ready for some fentanyl, kids. You guys are getting cocky. You're concentrating too much. No, you're getting cocky. You're fucking some fentanyl, kids. You know, you guys are getting cocky. You're concentrating too much. No, you're getting cocky.

You're fucking relying on us a little too much. We're going to cut back. Good. We don't like working so much. We need to cut back. There's coke at the White House. Yeah, I wonder where that came from. Imagine your son already fucked up.

The laptop got out. The whole thing. The fucking jig is up. Everybody knows you're a crook. And then he's like, but dad, I'm clean now. I'm proud of you, boy. It's gotta be Kamala. He leaves a baggie in the bathroom.

Don't go in my room. So here's the question. Do they have cameras inside the White House bathroom? I bet they have it. Doubt it. Well, I was gonna say they have it everywhere, but it's probably like, they say take cameras out of your places. How else do they catch Forrest Gump drinking all those Dr. Peppers? I mean, but if you're, like, you got to think the White House is the most photographed place in the world.

Tell that to Lewinsky. You couldn't have, like, a loophole where you could just go in the bathroom and trade secrets with a spy. I bet the president's like, no, I need a place where I'm not recorded. Yeah, you got to shit. That's an interesting question, though, right? Inside a vestibule. Oh, okay. So it wasn't'm not recorded. Yeah, you got to shit. That's an interesting question, though, right? Inside a vestibule. Oh, okay. So it wasn't in the bathroom.

Leading to the lobby area. I feel like it's an unknown substance. No. You know what it is. You guys know. Is this an old story? The substance was located inside a receptacle used to temporarily store electronic and personal devices prior to entering the West Wing. So he just dropped it off inside of a receptacle. He's doing blow in the IT center?

Or it was probably attached to his phone because he's gross. It's like sweaty, sticks to your phone, little baggie. Like a wallet on his phone. Right. And then he pulls his phone out, the baggie's in there, he doesn't even know. I doubt Hunter had to put the receptacle Well, it's probably not a yonder. It's a it's a receptacle like when you go through a fucking radar machine, right? Make sure you're not packing heat to kill pops. There's no surveillance

You don't need a gun to go pop. That's true Gut punch. Yeah, you could lick them to death Dude, last time I was in the hospital Please That's true. Gut punch. You could lick him to death. That provided his blood. Please. You could. I bet he tastes good. I was for real hoping my special. You got one of those arteries and you pressed down with your tongue long enough?

Yeah. I have a joke about him and I was like, I hope the special, like when I got done filming it in June, it's coming out tomorrow. I was like. Today. Today. I was like, he might die before the special. I was for real. And then I'd see clips of him in like Hawaii. Just. Oh, yeah. like, he might die before the special. I was for real.

And then I'd see clips of him in Hawaii. I was like, fuck, dude, he's going to die. I'm going to have to drop this. No, you made it. You made it. I can't believe. There he is. Hey, look how cute.

Beautiful dogs. Look how cute. Beautiful dogs. Shane, you look upset they're taking a picture of you. I was. I was like, come on, man. I saw it. I said, please do not take pictures.

I said not. That's a good pick. Love on the spectrum. They always do the worst. They'll ruin that show. Goddamn embarrassing. In a rowdy stand-up set. I said, who wrote this?

Shane Gillis riffs on his girlfriend's Navy SEALX. It wasn't even that rowdy. It's a story. It's a story. Shane Gillis shows Washington's house and being bullied by an Australian god. Mine's way worse.

Why did they do that? I don't know. Tell them to take that down. As soon as I saw that, I texted my manager and I said, who the fuck wrote this? take that down. As soon as I saw that, I texted my manager and I said, who the fuck wrote this? Take that down.

It should just be his new stand-up special recorded here. Yeah, exactly. 100%. Yeah, like that's going to help anybody. Who's going to read that

and be like, I want to hear about that Australian guy? Someone who don't want to listen. Yeah. Someone who's going to go, this is terrible.

Hey, was this set rowdy or calm? Oh, rowdy? Cool. We had to get like minute clips. You know, was this set rowdy or calm? Oh, rowdy? Cool. We had to get minute clips. You know how you got to send a preview? Yeah.

I couldn't. Every minute I said gay or redawed. Oh, my God. They were like, no, no, no, no. That's so funny. Yes. What was that clip? They let you say. They got me like 10 seconds of one.

Hey, look. We were in good company here. Yeah, there we go. Tim, myself, Nate. See what my blurb is. It was even worse than yours. It's something about farting. That's pretty good. Oh, no. Awkward lap dances to the intimacy of

letting one rip in front of a spouse. Rapid fire. Rapid fire, dude. And look at you with that stupid watch on. Yeah. You don't go anywhere without that watch, goddammit. You got that right, baby. Time X, never breaks. What time does it say? 7.28.

It's close, same day. It's 2.49. It's funny, we got in the pool yesterday, and I was genuinely concerned about the watch. I was like, dude, did you watch? Is it waterproof? It's waterproof. It takes a licking. It's broken.

Is it waterproof? Oh, yeah. Do you do the math with the real time? Yeah, every time. So, like, you just add time to it? Yeah. Like, look at the time right now. What time is it waterproof? Oh, yeah. Do you do the math with the real time? Yeah, every time. So you just add time to it? Yeah. Look at the time right now. What time is it really?

351 in New York. No, it's 249 in New York. New York is right. 351. It's New York time. 249. What? It's New York time.

I know, I know. It's just funny that you were off also in the minutes. I went to Australia. I used it every time. Yeah, how could you have the minutes wrong? Does he make any sense? It's a little slow. Also, Mark sets his clock two minutes fast, so he'll be on time, and he's still 40 minutes

late to everything. You're late today, dickhead. I didn't know. I said 1.30. My watch says 51, too. Oh! Did you say 51? You better believe it, Fatty.

But that was a minute ago. No, it was a different time. That was a different time than what the fucking time when... No. I bet this watch lasts longer than that piece of shit. What do you got there? What is that? It's a Garmin.

Garmin? This thing has a GPS so the CIA can track me. They're going to fucking shoot you in the head. No, it does a bunch of cool shit. Measures your heart rate, but it doesn't work on me because I have tattoos. It doesn't work through tattoos. What? They're wild.

I had that with other things, too. The best heart rate monitor is the straps, anyway. I don't understand anything. With what? I mean, if somebody told me the watch was reading your heart, but a tattoo was blocking it, I'd be like, what the fuck are you even talking about? Because it's not that – it's accurate but not as accurate. The ink gets in the way. It's like – it uses light.

So if you look at the back of this thing, there's like a – this thing shoots light out and it can measure – if it's over an area that doesn't have a tattoo it could measure how quick the blood is moving through your skin that's black as hell yeah but it's not as accurate as the ones that you put around your chest they work on something else they work on like the what does that work on the chest strap one i don't want to fuck that up but it's more accurate i don't do that i don't want to fuck that up, but it's more accurate. Jamie, I don't want to see you yawn again, dude. Oh, yonder. Get a yonder bag. Get a fucking... Go bong

a beer, dude. Yeah, we got the eagle out there. Get the eagle, Jamie. Just clean it. You cleaned it? You get so excited for that thing. You're so good at it. He loves a beer bong. Joe, is Jamie allowed to come to Ohio State Notre Dame with me, please? Please, please, Joe, please. He doesn't have to work that day. Yes, yes. Jamie, you're allowed to sleep over. Yes. Oh, you Jamie allowed to come to Ohio State Notre Dame with me, please? Please, please, Joe, please? He doesn't have to work that day. Yes! Yes! Jamie, you're allowed to sleep over.

Yes! Oh, you're gonna have to sleep over with Shane. Pizza party! Joe, could Jamie sleep over at my house, please? Well, who's driving you guys? You can drink at the house. Only at the house. Promise me you're not gonna drink in the park again. Yeah, what are you gonna do when your kids are

boozing? That's gonna be weird huh Hooking up with comics and shit Oh my god Tony Hinchcliffe's gonna be over there He's gonna say hello father You're my father Imagine if one of your friends Just imagine if one of your older friends

Married your daughter That'd be a disaster. What the fuck? Louis C.K.? You'd have to fight him. Yeah, it's like Al Pacino old. Yeah, you'd have to go, no, dude. Oh, God.

Al Pacino's having a kid right now. Isn't that wild? What? Wild. So is Mick Jagger. Yeah. Let's fucking go. Those are like ultra marathon sperm.

Them sperm's been kicking it in those balls. They've been in there since the fucking Cold War. Yes. Since the beginning of the Cold War. Yeah. Right. I mean, when was he born? He's 80 years old.

Oh, shit. Same as Bud? He was born in, like, 47. Al Pacino is 83. Wow. Damn. Wow, he was born before World War II. Is that the girl that got pregnant in the middle?

When did World War II start? 1940? No, no, no. 41 for us, let's go. 41, 30s. Yeah. 30s? He's 5'6".

But 41 for us. He's 83 years old. Wow. Still getting it up. Blue chew, baby. He's got that pre-fentanyl coke in his sperm. Yeah.

Also, he's probably got great doctors. He'd be like, dude. Yeah. His doctors are probably like, well, I'm Scott. Can you imagine that ball bag? Holy shit. My ball bag looks 83 now.

Can you imagine when you're 83? What if it just gets younger and younger looking like a peach? Plumps up. I love ball play. Don't you love ball play? Twisting around. Yeah. Oh, really? What's up with those guys who like getting their nuts stom play? Twisting around. Yeah. Benoit.

Oh, really? What's up with those guys who like getting their nuts stomped? Stomped in a high heel shoe. Those videos are so wild. They go in weird directions. It's like stepping on a half deflated balloon. Just kind of comes up. It looks so scary.

Jamie, can you play that? Can you find guys? And it's not like these girls. It's so fun. I don't want to see that. That's your mom's house. Not like girls are turned on by it. It's not like these girls with the shoes are like trained experts in how hard not to stomp your nuts.

Right. You got to get a great stomper. You guys lose nuts that way. I know of two guys who lost their balls. What? In kickboxing. What? Stomped by ladies.

That's different. Is that what stomp is? One guy lost his balls because he went one more round with this dude, and he didn't want to put his cup on. He was getting out of the cage, and then the guy was like, one more round. He already took his cup off. He's like, ah, just leave it off for one round.

Boom, he takes his shin to the nuts, loses one of his nuts. Two balls, one cup. Oh. That's brutal. And another guy that I know of was a very similar situation. Damn. He was kicked in the nuts. Who he dug, Gagey? Lost one cup. Oh. That's brutal. And another guy that I know of was a very similar situation. Damn. He was kicked to the nuts. Who?

Gagey? Lost one of his balls. No, no, no. Poirier? Guys from a long time ago. Lost a ball? Like it just ruptured, blew up? Blew his ball apart.

Don Fry? Oh, bro. Oh! Yeah. Look at this. That guy spiral kicked down. He stepped on it. He did like a fucking front flip and landed with one heel on that guy's nutsack.

Yuck. He was like, I'll hit you anywhere, but fuck, it's that exact spot. The amount of ball trauma I took as a nine-year-old. What were you doing? Middle school. Every single one of our friends was socking each other in the balls. I was playing Super Mario. Some guy whipped me with a racetrack, like know, like the track, the orange thing, and

hit me right on one nut. I was out for like three days. You didn't know how to protect it back then, so you just walk into like crossbars and shit. Dude, I've been kicked in the nuts at least a hundred times. Damn. Wow. At least a hundred times. Probably way more.

Yeah. Because I did Taekwondo all the time. You're always getting kicked in the nuts. I got kicked in the nuts over and over again, dude. I think the UFC was allowed for a while. Oh, that early one. That guy kicked 40 punches in a row to the nuts. Keith Hackney and Joe Son.

Oh, yeah. Joe Son had him at a headlock, and Keith Hackney just looked at his nutsack and was, let's go. Over, over, over. I'm not going to lose this fucking fight. He just punched him in the dick. He was trying to be like, doesn't hurt. Pull that up, over. I'm not going to lose this fucking fight. He just punched him in the dick. He was trying to be like, doesn't hurt. Pull that up, Jimmy.

I'll keep going. Pull that up, Jimmy. That's the oldest day. And the guy held on for a minute, right? For a while. He held on longer than you thought. He was trying to be like, this doesn't bother me. He got through like one or two punches, right?

Yeah. I thought it was 10. There was a fight in Brazil. It was a no rules fight. And this dude reached his hand into this guy's pants grabbed his cock And he's just going right to the sack of Rooney Tight panty at this point his body's probably paralyzed

He's just taking, how many shots of the sack? Oh, Jesus. How many shots are we in right now? What is that, Gary Shandling? Oh, this is, they're replaying the same scene. 20. Look at Don. 20 punches to the groin. Shut the fuck up.

Real beast, dude. The Wild West. Oh, my God. That guy went to jail later for rape, didn't he? Rape scene. He just wanted to see if it could still work. Oh. Is that true? Yeah, he to see if it could still work. Oh! Is that true?

Yeah, he did. Joe's son? Yeah. The guy getting punched in the balls. Yeah, he did. Wow, they still work, I guess. That was a crazy time, man. They used to be able to wear shoes. They could pull hair.

They would grab hair and elbow each other. Some guys would wear a gi. Other guys would wear a suit. I don't like that. Grabbing hair? I don't like any of that. Because all you're doing... Goddamn ponytail.

Yeah, you're just forcing guys to cut your hair. I mean, I didn't want to look cool, but you're going to fight in the cage. In the NFL and football, you're allowed to tackle a dude that has long hair. They don't call that horse collar? No. Really? They might have just changed it. Could you grab the hair?

Yes. Wow. You should have just tucked it into your helmet. That's crazy. They might have changed that. But it looks wild. I love the way it looks. It does look cool.

Those dudes have crazy braids coming out of their helmets. That looks dope as fuck. Ricky Williams had that. It's like a good way to shine. It does look cool. Those dudes have crazy braids coming out of their helmets. That looks dope as fuck. Ricky Williams had that. It's like a good way to shine. That looks like Dr. Karl Marx. Nobody can see your face. I like it. You got to have the drip.

Yeah, I like it. What was it? Kyle Turley had the long blonde. He's like a Viking. Damn, Kyle Turley. What a pull. Yeah. Paul Molly was like the famous one.

Paul Molly looked great. But in MMA, man, in the olden days, you shouldn't really have a ponytail. I know you want to look cool, but when Kimo fought Hoist Gracie, they said,

I'm going to punch you in the balls and pull your hair. Don't get in the ring. Also, what are you training for? All you have to do is punch a guy

in the dick. What are you talking about? If you're allowed to punch in the balls, none of this matters. That's a good point. Well, it kind of does because in the early UFCs, you were allowed to punch in the balls, and nobody punched Hoyce Gracie in the balls.

Somebody should have. Because he knew how to fight. It's not that easy just punching him in the balls. But if he's crawling on you, you've got to go for his balls. If you get a chance. But he knows you're going to do that. Almost no chance to do that. I don't think I could.

Obviously, I know I couldn't. Somebody could. You'd I know I couldn't. Somebody could. You'd kill me immediately. Sure. But if you were remotely in shape and a guy was doing jiu-jitsu to you, you could probably get his balls or his butthole pretty quick. Squeeze him. Butthole.

What is that? Oh, he pulled the hair. He scalped him. Oh, boy. Oh, he spiked it. Oh, boy. Look at that. Fuck this guy.

That's crazy. You're not supposed to touch black people's hair. That's crazy. Who was that guy? That's what I've heard. He was like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. In all crazy. You're not supposed to touch black people's hair. That's crazy. Who was that guy? That's what I've heard. He was like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That's probably some stuff that's braided in there anyway, right?

Yeah. I hope so. How do they dudes get extensions? Yeah, for sure. Men get extensions? No. 100%. What the fuck?

Some men do, but not really. Yeah, that's crazy. I'm not saying those guys did it. But I'm sure some of them. So where did that come out from? Yeah, a lot of those are extensions in the NFL. Really? I mean, they's crazy. I'm not saying those guys did it, but I'm sure some of them. So where did that come out from? Yeah, a lot of those are extensions of the NFL. Really? I mean, you can't grow that in the summer.

What about walk of luck? Yeah, I guess you're right. Yeah, it takes a long time to grow. Some are real, but a lot are not. Yeah. Half of it. How long did it take you to grow that beard? Started in late April.

Damn, son. That's fresh. Pretty good. I've been growing this for three years. That's crazy. If I had a beard like that, I'd be so cool. I started in a protest before Shane recorded a special. I said, I'm not going to shave it until it comes out.

Hell yeah. I grew a full beard once when this dude Evan Tanner died. Evan Tanner was this MMA fighter that had this full beard. He was a real crazy dude, a real interesting guy. He died in the desert. You know that story? Yes. Got lost on a motorcycle, right? What? Did we cover this before?

I've heard you say this. That's terrifying. Yeah. Hey, look at that guy. Look at Burt Rogan over there. By the way, that's me shaving the top. If I don't shave my cheek area, it goes like a werewolf. It goes all the way up to my nostrils. You got a little Hezbollah going here, too.

Some real Muslim. You ever think about converting? No. Of you? Fuck it. Really? To what? Islam.

You thought about converting? You'd have to give up the Bud Lights. No, no, no. And the pork. What are you talking about? You can just be bad. Oh, you can be bad? Yeah.

But isn't that like, don't they kill you for that? No, they don't kill you for Bud Lights. Not in America. Kid Rock? But you're gay. American Islam is pretty cool. It's over there. Islam is tougher.

So in American Islam, tell me what the rules are. Same rules. You just don't do it. Like Catholic girls aren't supposed to fuck in the ass, but they still do it. Not all Catholic girls do that, dude. Shut up. That's God's people. That's all my people, dude.

My mom and my sisters. Oh, I'm sure they were the cool ones. One of the wildest. They did not fuck in the ass. I believe you. I don't know. She did heroin, dude. She definitely didn't do anal.

Wow, they kind of show one and the same. That was the joke. None of it's correct. That was the joke. Sorry. You got to jar loose that farve dump somehow. Farve dump. That's taking a number four.

Come on, Jamie. Jamie. So you could drink? Yeah, you could drink. You're just not supposed to, right? I don't think so. And you can't be gay. What about gay stuff?

They kill the gays. You can do a little gay stuff if you drink. You can do a little gay stuff? If you're drinking, you can do a little gay stuff. If it's on a boy. As long as they saw him licking before you're crazy. You're allowed to have a little fun. You're allowed to have a little fun.

Catholics have the fucking greatest scheme ever. All you have to do is say you're sorry. Oopsies. The oopsie box. Go in that box and confess. I think that's a fair thing. And they gotta tell you to do this like 20 times and fucking mean it this time. Right?

Okay. Can I just do it 10 times? Sorry. It's not about how we ten times? What a fucking sweet escape clause, though, to let people look, people, because they probably gave up. Oh, I fucking stole money. Shit, now I'm out.

Just tell everybody. Say you're sorry, though. It's actually pretty smart. Remember when someone does something mean to you? Yeah. If they come up and go, yeah, for real, I'm sorry. That helps. But what about the kid fucking? You're all right, man. The kid fucking is tough to apologize for. Well, it seems like that came about

when they made celibacy mandatory. Yeah, it's an unrealistic... It seems like before that, there was a time where the priests were like the rock stars. And I think that became a problem because they were probably banging everybody. They're the only ones who could read Latin. They're the ones who are like distributing the word of the Lord.

They're wearing cool ass outfits. Everyone else is in potato socks. Exactly. I'm sure from there, like, can I just fuck Jews or something? I guarantee you. That's how you end up in a well. Yeah. Before it was illegal, I guarantee you they fucked everybody.

Oh, yeah. I went to Catholic school. It was prevalent. That's why a lot of gays become priests because they're like, this is an evil thing. Or let me go into a place where I'm not allowed to fuck anybody, so it's cool. Right. Most priests are gay dudes. How about Confession?

That'd be a good podcast. Confession podcast. I'd just record it. You think most priests are gay dudes? I think most current priests are gay guys. I don't think it's most, but I think it's a big factor of it, where it's like, this is the way I can cover up my evil desire. Shane's out there collecting data.

I don't know where you're getting your fucking numbers from. Young dudes becoming Catholic priests now are probably gay. Super gay. Do you know there's a... Ah, man. Every year there's a... God damn it, Morgan! That was a good one.

That was a really good one. Give me a second. That was a really good one. One out of ten, I'll get one. That was great. You're like seven out of ten, I'll get one. You're like seven out of ten. You got two home runs so far, bro. You're on fire.

Gotta keep drinking. Let's get fucked up, huh? We're trying. I'm in the hangover hole, so I gotta go back to normal with like two glasses. That'll get me to zero, and then I can get drunk. You can do it. Yeah. I believe in you.

Yeah. You guys didn't go to Catholic school? You got the Moyles. They suck the little dicks. Yeah, you guys are sucking kids' dicks, giving them herpes and shit. I was a Moyles assistant for a while just for that suck fest. I bet you were. You got a little snack.

You got the crumbs. So sweet. That baby crumbs. The crumbs. You were waiting like a dog at the table. They say it gives some kids herpes. Because sometimes the moil is going to... Babies have died. What?

Died from herpes. That they got from the moil. Damn. That is outrageous. It is pretty outrageous. There's a wild video of this guy explaining why it's important. Pull it up. Really?

Yeah. It comes to my time when sand would get in there. Sand? Yeah, in the fucking desert, you got to cut open a baby's dick. That's not your rule. Yeah, fucking windstorms. Yeah. Wash it off a little.

Stop the dick, Henry. Stop the bleeding. I'm not against circumcision. That's all right. Guilty. You don't have to suck the kid's dick afterwards. I'm against circumcision only for the dick sucking. You want that sweet blood.

Oh, it's so good. Imagine if they didn't cut the dick. They just said, look, we've decided that's a barbaric practice. It's rooted in ignorance. We're not cutting dicks anymore, but we still have to suck them. We got to suck them. Because it's in the book. It's in the book.

It's in the book. Guys, it's written down. I got to suck your baby's dick. It's in the book. It's in the book. It's in the book. Guys, it's written down. I gotta suck your babies, dude. It's the wildest one. I wonder if that's what fucking started it. I wonder if Hitler heard about that and was just like, what the fuck? We gotta do something about it. That was his personal pizza gate.

Somebody was like, Adolf, you know what they're doing down there? He's like, what the fuck? They told him when he was messed up, too. What? What the fuck? These motherfuckers. Ultra-Orthodox reach deal on circumcision suction ritual. Deal.

Bill de Blasio made a deal with them. He's the one who killed our park. Bill de Blasio's administration says moles should no longer be- Moyle. Moyle, sorry. Should no longer be required to obtain signed consent forms before the rights of say that Ari this is worse Jesus oh my tzitzit but sees of a pair but it's a suck with the mouth

my season but pair of course I got a judo right Elon you got to write this one Elon gillette. Yeah Yikes, there's right. There's an article saying it could be a matter of life and death for baby boys. Oh Because the people dying from diseases from the world help how prevalent How much is this going on when I was when I was younger? I'd see the rabbi just lick his fingers and then do it like that. Touch the tip of the kid's dick? Just wash it off a little. Just a little of this like this here? Yeah, but he wouldn't be sucking it.

Yeah, but he'd still get his fucking herpes on the kid. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, I don't think they all had herpes. I don't remember that. He sounds like a coward. A lot of these rabbis don't have herpes. God commanded Abraham to circumcise himself.

What? I don't remember that part. When Abraham was 99. He was the OG. He was the OG circumcision. Oh, my God. When Abraham was 99, God appeared to him and instructed him. What is this website first before I even say it?

No, it's a religious website. It's the OG-D. Kaba.org. They're the outreach. Oh, that's right. Okay. Appeared to him and instructed him to circumcise himself and all the male members of his household, including his 13-year-old son, Ishmael.

They're all gay. After the circumcision, God sent angels to inform Abraham that his wife, Sarah, would give birth to Isaac, the long-awaited heir to Abraham's tradition. So this is why the Arabs are mad. This is when Abraham was 99

he had a kid. What? He had a second kid. His first kid when he was 86. Yeah, but right there it says his wife Sarah. That's when he was 99. This is why the Arabs are mad because they're like, well, the firstborn son, that's Ishmael. This is not real. 99, get out of here. It's not real.

Of course it's not real. What are you talking about? It's totally real. He was 99 in the fucking 90s. It's not a historical book. They wouldn't write down something that isn't real. That's like months back then. It was just like, I don't know, know. Wasn't Moses like 800 or something?

About that, yeah. I may have missed him. 120. He got to 120, Moses. You think Mark Norman's clock is bad? Do you know how fucking bad their clocks were back then? They had no idea how long a year was. They were just guessing.

You know how much of a fight it'd be? It'd be like, yo, it's Tuesday. It'd be like, dude, I swear to God. Meet me here at 3 p.m. What the fuck did that mean? That didn't mean anything. For real, in Villa Cabamba, Ecuador, all's Tuesday. It'd be like, dude, I swear to God. Meet me here at 3 p.m. What the fuck does that mean? That didn't mean anything. For real, in Villa Cabamba, Ecuador, all these people lived in their hundreds, and they couldn't figure out why.

And then one researcher went down there and was like, how do you guys live so long? Is it the water or something? And he figured out they're just lying. They came back two years later, they aged 10. Look what this says. How do you say that dude's name, Ari? Methuselah. No, the first guy.

Lamech. How do you say that?'s name, Ari? Methuselah. No, the first guy. Lamech. How do you say that? Lamech begets Noah. Lamech. Lamech begets Noah at age 188. Oh, come on. And Methuselah lives 802 years after begetting him. He was also the oldest of all figures mentioned in the Bible.

Methuselah is mentioned once in the Hebrew Bible outside of Genesis and in Chronicles 1-3. I love the term beget. I told a couple of girls to be get rid of it there like 600 99 year old dudes having kids well that's you know we're getting close just talking about just for a hundred they were lying but we're actually a wild thing to do man because you're not gonna be around imagine getting carded you're just not gonna be around

you're just not gonna be around god I wish my special could have been 47 hours I would have covered all this shit do it again do it again bring it back

you got more you probably could do Jew too just circumcision you could do it can you have your nose come out of the water that was wonderful Just circumcision you could do. And have your nose come out of the water. That's wonderful.

The fin. Come on, man. And then Jew too. Jew too. You could do it. Let's film something dope. I got bonus features I'll put out at some point. They're like Q&As all over the world. I just didn't quite film something dope I got bonus features I'll put out at some point They're like Q&A's All over the world

I never put I never Just didn't quite make it To the special But can I just say This podcast Protect Our Parks Has some of the biggest

Specials around Mine was huge last year Shane's is gonna be huge Mark Norman's top 10 For two weeks On Netflix We're just waiting For one more member

Oh You fucking hack When's this coming Where is it? I don't know. I haven't even thought about it. What? Come on.

It's a lot. Because I've just been writing new material and fucking around. All right. That's probably a good move. I'm so busy right now. I just, like, right now, I like doing whatever the fuck I feel like doing.

Well, I wish I hadn't put mine out. I got zero new shit. Yeah. It's fun, though, right? Isn't that fun? It's fun, but, you know, you sell out a show, and people are like, hey, we like this guy. It's fun though, right? It's fun, but you sell out a show and people are like, hey, we like this guy. Then you go up and they're like,

what happened? But I'll get there. I'll get there. It takes a while. When you take that stack of notes that you have, how do you figure out what you're doing? The top sheet is the new stuff. The top sheet is the the new cross the main

yeah and what are those back sheets that's old stuff that show give us a visual well i didn't bring it today because i got crucified on the line my dms went nuts and now every show i do they go pull out the notes i want to see them well they're at the hotel in a case so you do it you better put those the room service is going to throw those out well Well, once she sees the swastikas on there, she won't touch it. Hi, Dios Mios. Swastika. My maid today moved the lotion and the hand towels to my bed stand. Nothing worse than that.

That's weird. She moved it to the head? Yeah. She's like, I've waited on you before. You left it on the bed, dude. You left it on the bed. Yeah, that's what it was. You left it on the bed, dude.

I left it on the floor. She cleaned it up. I'm joking. Oh, you left it on the floor? I didn't know she'd come in. I feel bad. You left it on the bed, dude. You left it on the bed. Yeah, that's what it was. You left it on the bed, dude. It's on the floor. She cleaned it up. I'm joking. Oh, you left it on the floor? I didn't know she'd come in. I feel bad. You're 50. Oh, you're so gross. Jacking off, leaving lotion on the ground? And if she saw your beard? Oh, yeah. Do you have a little beard? Tears on your pillow? No, but if she saw you and she knew whose loads it were.

God damn it. I was hoping it was somebody hot. That's that old Jew load. Crazy bearded man who lives in the forest. He's just whacking off up there. He wants to see him get out of a fucking lighthouse. Just jacking off. I know you tugboat Jew. I'd tug that boat.

You studied religion more than any of us. Probably, I would say. What do you think started it all? A way to exist. For real? Have you ever thought about it? No joke, a way to exist so we have some rules so nobody tries to fuck your wife anymore right make up some rules for shit like that there's a monster up there so if you hit him right he's gonna fuck you it's pretty smart it's like it's a way to build society these are the rules right but the problem with that explanation isn't that would mean that one person knows better or someone knows better.

And they're writing these rules out for everybody. But it doesn't seem like that's the case. It seems like everybody believed them. It wasn't like there was like a group of people that didn't believe in the gods. They all kind of believed in it at one point in time. And they were writing like these rules based on something. But where the fuck did they, like what's the real origins of all those stories? Well, it's like

the media narrative. They want to tell you what they want you to know. I think it's just like every society was like, we all sort of agree with this. So that became like... But the thing is...

It's also every civilization does it. Uh-huh. So just instinctively, it's a human instinct to be like, there's something else. So...

Yeah. It's like the reason you were talking about how nobody's content, which is actually probably a good thing. That way we keep striving. There's got to be something up there. There's something inside people that's like, there's something else. It's got to be. We're not just dying here. This can't be it.

We are. Otherwise, we're not going to build this cool pyramid. Yeah. Exactly. So you know what Baha'i says? Baha'i says the things you find in every religion, like don't kill, don't steal, don't fuck your neighbor's wife, the flood. That's probably the word of God. Everything else is some church fucking it up.

Like kosher, that's just you guys. Nah. If you could go back at any point in time and see how people were living, it'd just be like an invisible, bulletproof bubble. You could just exist and watch, and no one would know you were there that'd be fun if you were like 1890s no danger yeah anything

whatever you want I don't know you are he's Germany no occupy occupied France Occupy Wall Street. I'd be like, this is so quaint. Little you guys know what's coming. I was like, you guys have a really good idea, but it seems like you're not doing a lot with it. I would say Dark Ages, Plague. No, that'd be a nightmare. I know. You're bulletproof. You just see it. You're bulletproof. Bulletproof's a good detail, too.

Yeah. Yeah, you are in another universe, okay? You exist in another universe. Okay, you're you exist in another dimension. You're you're in a dimensional sphere That's allowing you to take place without can't be interacted with nothing can touch you Impossible you're middle-aged whores Middle-aged horse were eight back then Everybody died at 15 That's a cougar Everybody was dying They were just dying

There's a book called The Great Mortality By John Kelly I was looking at It was fucking crazy The king of England showered Three times in three months And that was a scandal Everyone was like this motherfucker He's using up the water

He thinks he is something else It was rare to change your clothes once a year About the Mongols that their clothes because there was animal rats literally yeah rats living literally rot off of them Rotting off of them there's's two places I would go there. I would want to see Genghis Khan take over cities in China. I would like to see that. I'd love to see somebody being at a Pol Pot village right before he comes. Shit like that.

Yeah. Imagine the pussy smell then. That's wild. Louis XIV was terrified of bathing. He said to have taken only three baths in his life. I thought it was in three months. That's crazy. That's a different story. Way worse. Way considerably worse. Bathing said to have taken only three baths in his life Louie took the trend for perfumery to new heights by

Kisses talking commissioning is perfumer to create a new scent for each day of the week Oh It was thought that water spread disease so the less less you bathed, the less vulnerable you were. Which it probably did. Wow. Yeah, it's like pond water. Yeah. Wow. So they're just shitting into holes in the ground and not washing their assholes.

The cities were just- Same water. Everyone throwing their shit out of their fucking window. Oh, right. No plumbing,laughterhouses everywhere. There's rats everywhere. That detailed when people were, like, at the beginning of the turn of the century in America and what it was like in, like, the early 1900s in American cities.

Oh, yeah. They couldn't get food up to them. It was horrible. Yeah. Like, you think, like, Amazon's dropping off your produce. No, like, back then, no one's dropping off jack shit. Yeah. If you're living in a city, no one's dropping off jack shit. You're living in a city.

No one's growing anything. That's it. Terrible nutrition. Check out this article called The Disgusting History of Royal Palaces. Hell yeah. Just the very first thing. King Henry's court. What about it?

Because of so much human waste that was accumulating. Oh! So it did keep moving. They weren't just exercising in a castle. They actually did escape the disgusting messes large royal parties produced. Palaces like Henry's Hampton Court had to be constantly evacuated so they could be cleaned of the accumulated mounds of human waste. No plumbing.

Livestock and farmland also needed time to recover after supplying food for so many people. Once the tour was over, Henry and a swelling court of over a thousand would keep moving for the rest of the year, traveling frequently between the king's 60 residences in a vain attempt to live in hygienic surroundings. So he just kept shitting in all his different houses. Oh! He shit where he ate. He's the original shit order. He shit where he ate.

He is. That's where it comes from. I've been in there fucking eating poop for 12 years. We got to move. Imagine these fucking people didn't know not to just shit in your house. He's a hoarder. He just kept moving spots and spots. This room's done.

You go outside, you might get hit with an arrow. Right. Just shit in the palace. There's a guy with an axe outside. There's a million Jason Voorhees' outside. Everywhere you look. Oh my God, the hallways would become so caked with grime and soot from constant fires that they were fairly black.

The very crush of the court members was so dense that it made a thorough house cleaning impossible and futile. Though cleanliness standards were subpar throughout the medieval Renaissance and Regency eras, royal courts were typically dirtier than the average small cabin or home. I'll be honest, Europe still fucking stinks, dude. Does it? Yeah, I was just there last week.

Really? None of the windows are great. They got the B.O. bad. They call us fat, dude. They stink like shit. I don't care. That's true. They do stink a, dude. They stink like shit. I don't care. That's true. They do stink a lot. Oh, it's the worst. I'm not doing great.

Are they noticeably fatter? No. They're thinner. They're thinner. Way thinner. No, they're thinner, but I'm saying UK's catching up. UK's got some chubs.

UK's on our heels. Oh, really? We're just 10 years, 20 years ahead of them. They're pasty. All the fast food and shit. They just got to read us. They're getting it.

They're gross, like pasty and red. There's nothing wrong with being pasty, red, and fat. Some people like it, dude. Some girls like it. All right. But yeah, you know, they said in old New York, they had a company that would just move dead horses out on the road. Because horses would just die, and they'd just leave it there.

What are you going to do? Push it in a dumpster? Yeah. Oh, Jesus. Who paid for that? Taxes? I guess. And there's horse shit everywhere.

Oh, horse shit everywhere. But it's like an old car that just breaks down. You just leave it. And by the way, imagine living in a whole city that's filled with people who took a fucking boat from Europe. Everybody's a gambler, dude. Everyone's a gambler. Those are wild folks.

Ellis Island must have smelled horrible. A boat that might not get there. Might not get there. Just for the chance. Right. How much do you really know about what's over there? Nothing. Somebody lied to you at a bar in fucking Ireland.

Dude. I thought the streets are paved with gold, man. I'm getting 15 gold pence a day. And then you show up and you're like, what is this black guy? Son of a bitch. Who's this? You show up and you're like, what is this black guy? Son of a bitch. Who's this? You show up and go, hey, you're going to fight in the Civil War. What the fuck is that?

Wait, we're in a war with Italians here? We haven't even met them before. We've got to shoot at other Irish guys right away. Weird. Oh, yeah. The Donner Party. Let's take a chance on a different state. Let's go to the side, dude.

Right, Wes. Grandpa just died. Just keep walking. Should we go next year? Ah, we've got to go this year. Grandpa just died. Just keep walking. Should we go next year? Ah, we got to go this year. Yeah. There's something over there. Curiosity.

How many people have they talked to that made that journey before them? Yeah. Was there anybody? No, a couple. The one guy was like, I know a better way. The guide. Oh, the guy said, I know a better way. You got to leave by March.

And they're like, late May still works. Oh, no. Pre-MapQuest. Oh, no. Yeah, pre-map quest. Oh, no. They just assumed something was over there? Literally a map quest. They heard. Literally a map quest.

Literally a map quest. They're trying to make a map. They were just guessing. They were kind of guessing. They would eat, like, leather and shit. Yeah. Just boil a shoe. And they were fucking the whole time.

Well. In the back of those wagons. They were all fucking. They would have kids. They'd have kids. Really? Yeah, there's nothing to do. You're just stuck in the back of those wagons. They would have kids. Really? Yeah, there's nothing to do. You're just stuck in the back of a wagon with a lady. They split up. One of the two parties had one fucking axe for firewood and they were swinging it

and then the fucking axe handle just flew off 200 yards into the snow and they were like, we're all dead. He couldn't find it? It was gone. They had to leave a lot of trees on fire. That didn't work very well. Wait, did you read that book, The Indifferent Stars Above?

No, we were just nearby there. Oh, really? All the history's everywhere. Bro, that is so terrifying. The snow drifts were so big that they were in pits of like 20 feet of snow. The people, the rescue people found them. They would look in the pit. They'd see someone just like eating humans.

They're like, oh, we gotta just cover this pit. This person's dead too. Not to mention some fucking Choctaws coming at you with a face paint. Some bullshit Chippewa. Yeah, they had a couple of Indian guides, and then they saw them looking at them like drumsticks in those cartoons. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys are on your own. Sacagawea.

Sac lunch. The wild thing is that's not that long ago. No. That's not long ago at all. It was like the 50s. I would say it's like 1977. It's three people ago. But this is why we make up all these problems, because look what we used to have to deal with.

That's in our DNA. And now it's all easy. It's a gravy train. And we got to make up all these problems, because look what we used to have to deal with. That's in our DNA. And now it's all easy. It's a gravy train, and we've got to make up shit. There's definitely that. People like to stay at a fucking pretty steady level of discontent. Yes. And when life gets easier, they find new things to hit that level. To get mad about.

Exactly. It could be gender. It could be the climate. It could be the vaccine. It could be Ukraine. Climate could be the climate. It could be the vaccine. It could be Ukraine. I'm not trying to minimalize it, but it is funny to be mad about the weather. I swear

to God I know it's getting hotter. We're doing the best we can. You guys got to turn it down. The hikers resigned themselves to cannibalism and considered drawing lots for human sacrifice or even having two of the men square off in a duel. Several members of the party soon died naturally, however, so the survivors roasted and consumed their corpses.

The gruesome meat gave them the energy they required and following a month of walking, Jeff Ross is up there. Seven of the original 15 made it to a ranch in California and helped organize rescue efforts. Wow. They got roasted. For someone so pure and tan, it sure tastes like shit. Imagine just hanging out with that dude if he survived. Donner party.

You would have done it, too. Not much of a party. You would have done it. You would have done it. Don't judge me, please. Yeah, there was a lady that was dead silent about it. She was a famous survivor of it. Ice, please. Yeah, there was a lady that was dead silent about it. She was a famous survivor of it. Ice, please.

Oh, ice bucket. Yeah, call ice. Ice bucket challenge. There we go. Thank you. The scariest part of that book, The Indifference Starts With What, was the fucking...

The planes were so... That was nuts back then. Planes? The Great Planes. Oh, yeah. It was nothing. It was an ocean, and it was terrifying. But, like, a toddler, because you're with your family, and you would stop, obviously.

But, like, if a little kid got off the wagon and started wandering around, they would just get lost in the tall grass. Oh, wow. You couldn't find them. Coyote would eat it. They'd all cry and move on. Yeah, they'd just go on to me. There's rattlesnakes. Have another one.

All types of bullshit. Wow. Good times. Let them keep wandering. You would just lose and move on. There's rattlesnakes. There's all types of bullshit. Wow. Good times. You'd just lose your kid like 10 feet away from you. And now I'm like, the dominoes tracker sucks. Yeah, you're like, this fucking guy didn't deliver my fucking hoagie. Come on, Mohammed. That's a good point, man.

Because it's not like all that land was excavated and fucking... There was nothing. No way. There was rumors of an easy way through not like a paved road somewhere Just like there's less trees right there. I think we can get it But is that why there's people in Oklahoma because they just stopped there stopped is that it yeah? Some of them they gave them Homesteads yeah, they gave them homesteads because they use them as bait to fight off the Comanche

They couldn't get through Texas, Oklahoma. The Comanche conquered this whole area. They fucking ruled it because they were the best on riding horses. They were the best at killing people. They were for real. They were wild. Empire of the Summer Moon. Amazing book. But

they just gave these people these ranches and didn't tell them. And then all of a sudden Comanche would just show up and just slaughter the whole family. Oh, my. And then they would have a reason to go after the Comanche. And then there was like, you know. And it wasn't until the Texas Rangers came along and then they started using pistols. That was the, when they had a revolver so you could shoot five shots.

That was the Colt 45, I think it was. It wasn't Colt 45. But whatever the gun was, the original gun, that was the first pistol. And that let them go bang, bang, bang, bang instead of bang. And then a fucking musket. You got to put the ball in. They're running at you, throwing arrows at you. So everybody was getting killed until they figured out pistols.

So once they had a revolver, then the Texas Rangers started. And they also started cold camping and doing it. But the fuck is wild, dude? Dude, that revolver is like, you know in the movie with the aliens, you finally blow up the ship, and then you realize, oh, there's 14 more. And the whole movie was blowing up one. You're like, oh, we're fucked. They must have been like, we're barely fighting off these whites.

And then it was like, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah. Damn, that's over. They got us. They also started using long-range rifles. That was the moment where they were like, oh, it's really over. Damn. They got a fucking, yeah, all the buffalo hunters had like basically sniper rifles. All right, just give us some blankets, we'll call it even.

Yeah. Those guys were getting really good at making long-range rifles. Blankets have a smell on them. Small bucks. Yeah, once they had rifles, it was kind of game over. But those Texas Rangers were so tough. They're badass guys. That was a wild thing to do, man.

I think they were bad. Oh, really? Yeah, everybody's bad. Bad was like a standard back then. It's a different standard. Sure. Just a few hundred years ago, everybody was a murderer. All you had to do was not shoot someone in the back.

That's true. If you were facing them at a table and they weren't reaching for anything. It was fine. Those old West movies, they probably watered it down. Howdy, partner. Colt Army Revolver, that's it. Single action, Colt's patented firearms manufacturer. This is in 1871.

Damn, that killed a lot of people. So once they first started using those things, the whole game changed. Imagine buying one of those. You're like, hey, I won't die. This is going to save my life. Yeah, and you're running after the Comanche. And I think you had to take the whole centerpiece out. To change it?

Yeah, you had to take the whole thing out, and you could have another one. How quick was the changeover? Oh, it had six shots. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. Well, for back then, that's crazy. 1871. Yeah.

How long did they have the first Russian roulette with that? Didn't they have some revolvers in the Civil War, the American Civil War? They had, like, carbines and shit, right? 1871. But that would have been before, yeah. So they would have to take, I think they'd have to take that whole centerpiece out the original Ones you see there in the far right That's oh yeah, so that comes out another one in there. You have to have a packed one already, right?

Yeah, you probably had a few on your pockets. You know that you were carrying around with you Cool is that in the army when they're fucking talking? Fucking really oh yeah It's cool cool That's fun Look at Aryan That's part movies Then you fucking Colonize Palestine

Oh jeez Ouch Oh yeah no It wasn't swamp before Oh Tel Aviv wasn't literally A swamp before The fucking Jews

Got there How'd you guys get there What What On British ships Yeah You still need the goy Yeah

The goys gave it to you, didn't we? And how'd you get that? Goy or Goy. I'm going too far. You're going too far. That's a good clip. Oh, fuck. Oh, microphone?

Oh, fuck. Don't you have a train to catch? History is fun. It's crazy that shit really happened. Well, it's crazy that it didn't happen that long ago. Yeah. When I was a kid and I would think about World War II, I thought it was so long ago. But it wasn't.

I was born in 67. Just got done. Yeah. World War II was 20 years. 20 years. That's crazy. So that's from here to 2003. 2003 was a long...

That's not that long ago. That's crazy. That's from here to 2003. 2003 was a long... That's not that long ago. It's crazy. 2003 does not seem like that long ago, that that was like World War II from the time I was born. That's crazy.

That's wild. You know what's crazy? The kid AJ in Sopranos is now the same age as Gandolfini in the first season. Whoa. Wild. Seems like I should be older. That show seems like it ended a million years ago. That show was amazing.

Great show. Killed Gandolfini. Killed him. He got into character too much. He ate himself to death. Is that what it was? You pull up what he ate on that last night. He was in Rome just going to town.

I think he was also doing blow. Probably. I think that's a blow. Not that trim scape. Look at Bert Kreischer. He's still out there kicking. True. Bert's becoming an actor.

He's like, I only take roles with the character drinks a lot Yes, the machine. I think the role killed him no That's what they always said he got so fucking deep into this fucking murder So he was like it was a general time team yellow fiends last meal included two portions of fried King prawns Fogwa and eight boozy drinks. That's not so bad. That's overblown A large portion of this heart attack and eight boozy drinks. That's not bad. That's not so bad. That's overblown. That's a Ralphie made. I bet it was a Coke. A large portion of... Heart attack. Well, Google James Gandolfini cocaine.

Yeah. Gandolfini rules. Great guy. He was so good, dude. So good. He was so good. I think he was only 51. 51.

51. Damn. Ari. No. You're done. He said to have eaten the entire meal by himself, along with two rounds of a pina colada and two rums on the side before having another two beers. These guys.

This article. That sucks. Someone's a rat. He's written by a dork. Someone's a rat. Someone's ratting on him. They're being like, he died from the food. It's like, no.

But was he doing coke, too? Or is that just a rumor? I don't want to say that. He was an actor. He did. He did. Good point. I would go ahead and guess. He did just that. I don't want to say that. He was an actor. He did. He did. Good point.

I would go ahead and guess. He did just that. I don't think it was a pina colada and shrimp. It is crazy. That's what it is. I think he was probably doing a little something. Hey, Siri, how many shrimp has killed people? Yeah. He was doing something awesome, probably.

Yeah, another article says chronic cocaine abuse. Hey! It's all intertwined. Beast. There you go. What is abuse, Dr. Hart? And what is enjoyment? What is this abuse talk?

Heart attack. Why are we using this language, this restrictive language of abuse? Good point. A little Coke every now and then will keep you flying right. The wildest number thing that we were just talking about the other day, that between the invention from the first flight with the airplane for Wilbur and Orville Wright, it was less than 50 years before they dropped a nuclear bomb out of water. Wow. We like war.

That's fast. How wild is that? I'm not surprised. That's wild. I mean, that's wild. That's insane. Imagine flying it off of an aircraft carrier. That stupid fucking plane that they had the first time.

Like, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah. That thing barely worked. That thing barely worked. That's my new material trying to get off. Eventually it'll get there. Eventually it'll be a giant bomb. Bah! Oppenheimer.

They go from that to a nuclear bomb dropping on Hiroshima. Yeah. Woo! And the plane part was like the also ran of the story. Yeah. Yeah. And the plane part was like the also-ran of the story. Yeah. Yeah. Good times. The Enola Gay.

You ever seen the movie Flight? He does a lot of bloating to stay straight. Well, the kamikazes were all doing some form of adventure. Oh, yeah. It is pretty crazy when you see a fucked-up guy at a bar, they go to the bathroom, come out fine. That's true. It's effective.

It does do its job. It's effective. It does do its job. It works. Yeah, Ari's not recommending it, ladies and gentlemen. Just saying. It's effective. Yeah. Look at these guys. I mean, this is pretty wild. This is 50 years after the invention of the fucking airplane.

It's in the cockpit from Star Wars. It's so nuts. Look at that thing. That's beautiful. I mean, now go back to the stupid Kitty Hawk one. I love these. Let's look at that one. Let's see the original.

Open up a new tab so we can go back and forth. So now it's like, can you believe I sat in the runway for 30 minutes? It's called a runway because we literally had to fucking Fred Flintstone run. Bro, look at this. Wow. Carolina. Look at that thing. That counts.

That's not bad. That counts. If it breaks apart, it kills everyone instantly. Right. But they go from that, what you're seeing right there, to a fucking giant plane that can carry a nuclear bomb. America. Or an atomic bomb.

We got the car, the plane, the phone, the radio. It's so beautiful, that nuclear. I don't know. It's so wild. What a crazy invention. And then that's when the aliens start showing up. It's like a squid. It's almost like we were sent to beacon them.

The aliens just immediately start fucking hovering over big cities and military bases. Have you ever heard squids are aliens? I hear people doing it. Fucking Mexicans. Have you ever heard squids are aliens? Squids, have you ever heard that? Cephalopods, yeah.

I think from him. Yeah, right. That thing looked like a squid. It's a beacon to the fucking call of the rest of the world. They never die. Those octopus are like immortal. That's Hiroshima. This thing turns into a balloon.

Oh, that's a great one. What the? With a balloon? Scientists are so horny about it. Yeah, they are. I've watched this one. The scientists are boners watching this. It has the floppy ears. Looks like it has much longer tenons.

Yeah, it looks longer. Damn, that's cool. That's so cool. Go a little wider? And it shrinks, too. It gets really small. The ocean is just space the other way. Well, it is.

You're right. That's a high thought. I mean, that could be the same. Tell me that doesn't look like an alien. They're big bushes. Wow. It's like a labia. It's like a coccyx.

That's a circumcision. Look at him extend. The moil's stepping in right now Oh, yeah Shoot that fucking thing yeah, what's it doing? That's wild, but that's not as wild as octopus Yes, when when I change the colors change their texture to look exactly When you're down there they like oh, there's one there's one. They go, back to me, gone. I want that explained to me.

Like, how the fuck are they doing this? They change texture. Go to octopus camouflage. And they shoot ink, I believe. Go to Jerome Bettis highlights. Jerome Bettis Notre Dame highlights. What they can do is... ew, there's volume. What they can do that's so wild is they look like the floor.

They change texture as well as color. They take texture. They don't just look like the texture? No, they can make their skin look different. They can make it look like rocks. Look at that. Look at that. Look at that.

Holy shit. That's an octopus? Yes, man. No way. Yes. Oh, there it is. I see it now. Dude. Look at that. Holy shit. That's an octopus? Yes, man. No way. Yes. Oh, there it is.

I see it now. Wow. Dude. Oh, wait. No, he had the stones on top of him. Oh. This one did. No, but some of... Go to the ones where they change colors and that one's blended in.

If octopi are aliens, they're doing a shit job. Watch this. Here we go. Watch this. Whoa. Yeah, that's a perfect example. Wild texture. Go back to that again. Go back to that again. They're doing a shit job watch this why here we go watch this It changes texture changes texture look exactly like what it's on top of it's like dolezal Mean bro how smart are those things what's going on? That's a nice evolution look at that Come on Adapt here we go look at its look it's like figuring out what the color the ground

Holy and then once it figures it out it changes to look like the ground. It's got transicles And they're they're gang. They grab things and eat them. Look like a lion for us. Pull it up. I mean, what a fucked up way to exist. All they do is- It's crab. I'm a crab guy.

Fuck off, you crab. I like crab. Dumbass crab. Get him, crab. Come on, dude. No, a crab is a zero chance. He's in for a fight. Get him, dude.

What are you going to fucking do? Those things are delicious. I do love a crab. Crabs are hilarious. Oh, look at him going down this hole. Look at him go down a hole. Whoa, look at- come on, that's an alien. Yeah, it's an alien. Oh, yeah. Those things are delicious. I do love a crab Come on that's an alien. Yeah, that's a that thing was an alien. That's an alien and a gator is a dinosaur Oh, we're looking like snakes. Oh, he's eating the fish. Well gators all listed when dinosaurs existed You hear me call out Jamie. That's a good call. What is that? I said he's trying to be a lionfish. Hey That was a good call.

What was that? I said he's trying to be a lionfish. Hey, you're a lionfish. Are you going to pee again? No, I was getting some ice. Why are you chastising him for peeing? I thought he was going to pee, the old man. I got to pee soon.

When I pee, the bong's coming back, dude. I saw it on the turnips. We're going to turn the jets up a little bit. Then we'll have this octopus bullshit. It's time for Mike Allstott highlights. Mike Allstott? Who's that? I Mike Allstott highlights. Mike Allstott? Who's that? I'm a star. Who's Mike Allstott?

Football player who didn't die in battle. What? Football player who didn't die in battle. All right. What did you just say about Mike Allstott? It's a football player. Yes. He didn't die in battle, should they?

No, I don't know. How about that Bo Jackson? He was strong. He was. He could break a bat over his knee. Yes. Allstott, let's go. Who's this guy? Fucking white hunk. One of strong. He was. He could break a bat over his knee. Yes. All-star. Let's go.

Who's this guy? Fucking white hunk. One of the last great whites. The last of the great whites until McCaffrey. Well, you see Johnny Manziel? Look at this, dude. Get off me, you fucking idiot. That was a great little documentary.

There's a white guy breaking out of a Target. Power back. That is a crazy-ass sport. Come here, motherfucker. Wait, where are we? Where are you going? I can't believe you're actually playing Mike Alstott highlights. How old is this? Good job.

Isn't it wild that America's number one sport is without a doubt the most violent? Yeah. A hundred percent. In terms of collisions, it's war. Well, the UFC, it's like neck and neck. Who's number one now? Yeah, but UFC has some regulations. Concussions?

No, no. Sport. What is the number one sport in terms of watch? UFC takeover NFL? No. UFC hasn't passed NBA. I think it's cornhole. Top 100 most broadcast events of last year.

It's mostly football. They're almost all football games. What's the flag? Look at that. There's one soccer game at 38. Those are like last year. It's mostly football. They're almost all football games. What's the flag? Look at that. There's one soccer game at 38. Those were like the debates. What is the lighter football? A college football game. These are all NFL games specifically.

It's all football except for a couple soccer and one horse race. One Olympic event made it in there. The Oscars made it in there. The turkeys on 40. Two or three soccer games which were probably World Cup games. It's all football. The Academy Awards was 77. Gays don't support their own.

So that's the number one, without a doubt, most of you think in America. 82 of the 100 events were NFL games. It was a slap in the World Cup. Those were the soccer games. It was the World Cup. If that was a different year. Oh, yeah, good point. Oh, messy.

Amazing. That's America's sport. Baseball's year. Oh yeah, good point. Oh, messy. Amazing. That's America's sport. Baseball's out. It is, and it's so violent. No, not a single baseball game. Baseball rules, though. I like baseball. It's a great way to get drunk. But you have to have free time for baseball. Yeah, yeah. Same with football. Yeah.

Dude, they had a couple... They had a few $4 Yankee tickets in the outfit this year. You could just go there and chill, right? You would. Yeah, I would. So when you guys go to see baseball games,

since there is a lot of downtime, do you just mostly talk shit? Yeah, yeah. You just drink beers. You just sit with your friends and talk. We go with all the comics sometimes. Take my shirt off.

We've done like 15 comics of that. Me and Mark had nipple tassels one year. Oh, yeah. Just sitting up in the fucking bleachers having a good time. Talking shit.

Talking shit. We got hammered on that day. Hammered. Jesus. You usually, yeah. That's about as drunk as you get as a baseball game. Oh, yeah. Just sitting up in the fucking bleachers having a good time. Talking shit. Talking shit. We got hammered on that day. Jesus. I don't even know. Yeah. That's about as drunk as you get as a baseball game. Oh, yeah. A lot of beers.

So long and fucking boring. Big beers. They're going to close on the 7th. We got to get as many beers as we can right now. And you pregame. Yeah. And then you postgame. It's a fucking good sport, dude.

Remember Jose Canseco? He was fun. Mm-hmm. Yeah Jose Canseco? He was fun. Yeah, he did steroids. That was sick. Yeah. He told on everybody. Daryl Strawberry. Talk about Coco.

Have we talked about John Rocker on here? John Rocker ruled. Who's that? Jay, please find John Rocker's quote. Interviews? Dude, he was the guy. He was like the- Radio?

Impetus for Kenny Powers. Oh, really... Radio? Impetus for Kenny Powers. Oh, really? He was the muse for Kenny Powers. You gotta love that McBride. If I wasn't a baseball player, I'd be a serial killer. There's one quote he has, he's like, I would never play in Newark. You gotta sit next to some queer with AIDS. Jesus Christ.

The one thing I hate about New York is the foreigners. How the fuck did they get into this country? You can walk an entire block of time and not hear anybody speak in English. Asians and Koreans and Vietnamese and Indians and Russians and Spanish people and everything up there. How the hell did they get into this country?

Jesus Christ. He threw Russian in there. That's a way. Jesus Christ. It wasn't race. It was just like real America. He would sprint out of the bullpen, dude. Obviously on steroids.

His neck was this big. He was just coming out of the fucking... We got to get rock on here. Before the quote, before the quote, I remember my dad being like, son, sit down. You got to watch this guy. Really? Yeah, just him. Because they were in the same division as the Phillies, so I would watch him all the time.

He was lights out. He was a great closer Beast yeah Till he said that thing about he said that one thing Easily the first guy to get cancer. They call you a big dog. What year was this? I don't know if that's a different guy doing it late 80s 90s when was rocker early 90s Remember Imus? No rocker was like 90 Mid 90s I was watching it people No. Rocker was like 90, mid-90s. Mid-90s. I was watching it. People used to say crazy shit all the time.

All the time. Jimmy the Greek was the best. Jimmy the Greek. Quick twitch. And the guy from golf who was like, well, women can't be as good because they got these big tits to hold around. That's true. That's science.

Both of them were right. I was like, what do you mean? I think they just, did some chess organization just ban transgender men or transgender women from competing against women? Which is weird, because it's not physical. I don't know. Wait, they have separate divisions for men? Men are smarter than women.

Apparently. Wait, chess is not just one sport for men and women? The Queen's Gambit is not real. A world chess body bans transgender women from women's tournaments. Is there a fucking strength component to chess? I don't understand why there's separate... No, it's mental. Brain.

Well, poker, they just got one. Yeah, but it's even more of an advantage to be a man mentally. That's the only way to say there's two divisions. I bet the Federation's based based in like Russia oh yeah this makes sense right here change of gender is a change that has a significant impact on a player's status and future eligibility to tournaments

therefore it can only be made if there is a relevant proof of the change provided you can't just say you're trans. You've got to have the surgery. Whoa. Players will have to provide documentation that the gender change complies with the national laws and regulations through their own federation. It then has to be confirmed in writing that the player is familiar with the restrictions

established by these regulations and undertakes to comply with them. Yeah, they're just saying don't cheat the system. This is like when Jews apply for African-American grants because they say, I'm a rockin' Jewish. Right. So I should be allowed. And everyone's like, that's not what we're talking about. Yeah. Right.

Well, the Asians are getting fucked with the colleges. Yeah. Although they took that law away, I think. Affirmative action. Yeah, so now it means Asians are just going to fill up all colleges. Ah, hey, they're the best. They're the best. Look at the NBA.

Who gives a fuck? If they're the best, they're the best. Yeah. Let's have them. They're the best. They're the best. Look at the NBA. Who gives a fuck? If they're the best, they're the best. Yeah. Let's have them. They're our country. They're number one. Let's have them. Without a doubt.

And they keep quiet about it. Yeah. They're very smart people. Well, if there is a group of people that's dominating any one particular field and someone is competing with them, I guess you're going to have to do better. Yeah, exactly. I guess you're going to have to do better. Like men in comedy. competing with them, I guess you're going to have to do better. Yeah, exactly. I guess you're going to have to do better. And clearly, if you're intellectually competing with people that are working way harder than

you, and it means more to them, and they're way more serious about it than you, they're probably going to get ahead of you. That first week of college, when you see all the Asian kids, like, we've been studying. This is not weird for us. You're like, damn, you're getting ahead. Well, look at the Indians with the spelling bee. They kill it. They crush it.

Because their name's a Rashmahara Dhar Dhar. Exactly. Vivek Ramaswamy. Yeah, there is no way to fucking They really know phonetics. They've been spelling that crazy shit for their whole lives. It's Vivek. It rhymes with cake, apparently. Vivek. Vivek.

Rhymes with cake. It was that one. It's so funny hearing these names and not knowing anything about it. Just hearing a name of a political guy. Well, that's fascinating for me to know you, too, because you don't pay attention to anything. So it's interesting. What gets to Ari? What does something have to be so interesting or kooky in the world that it actually gets to Ari? The submarine got to me?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Especially your flip phone hair. Yeah. The submarine. What gets to art. The submarine got to me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Especially your flip phone hair. Yeah. Submarine. They go, what gets to me? What else? Lizzo? You hear rumors.

Lizzo? You hear rumors of things. Yeah. That's how it used to be. I get there's like a thing. You're like a guy in the 90s. That's probably a good way to approach life because only the really serious stuff gets in there. Right.

The only news I need is another weather report, right? You don't want to be sitting around wondering what the World Economic Forum is plotting. Who gives a fuck to you? None of this matters to you. You heard about Hunter Biden and all that. Heard about it a little bit. Yeah, big things you hear about. Okay, what about the-

Big things. Queen is dead. You hear about the Queen is dead. Capitol riot? January 6th. Yeah. I was in Ecuador on that. I sent a text.

Everyone was talking about it. I sent a text to her. I got my view. It was me on a hammock looking out at beautiful woods. And Joe goes, oh, yeah, you're winning this. Nice. You won't be here for this shit show. Did you hear about Burisma?

What's Burisma? Don't worry about it. The place Hunter Biden worked. Oh, damn. Don't worry about it. When is Will Ferrell going to play him in a movie? That would be amazing. Ooh, Cocaine Bear 2.

Yeah. Yeah. Or Jim McBride. Either of those guys. Do a Hunter Biden movie. Will Ferrell could. Yeah. Ah! Yeah. Or Jim McBride. Either of those guys. Do a Hunter Bride movie. Will Ferrell could kill it. Could kill it. He's a little too old, though.

I bet. They're close. Although, back when Hunter was really killing it. Back when Hunter was... Yeah. He's aged. You gotta get a younger guy. James Franco.

There you go. True. The return of the king. He's got a little stank on him. Yeah. That might work. That dude leaving baggies at the fucking White House. Wow, he didn't give a fuck. Allegedly.

It might not be him. There are no repercussions. How do we know? It is the White House. True. How do we know? We don't know. Honestly, I bet a lot of people are doing cocaine there.

I would hope so. It's such a sweet place to do cocaine. Obviously. If you don't do coke, and then Obama or Trump or Biden is like, line it up, you'd be like, I'm doing coke. You think Obama did coke with people? Is that what you're saying?

I think he did crack and gave sex with his chef. Jesus Christ. Shut it down. Shut it down. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. I don't think that's real. Whatever happened to that chef, by the way?

He ended up, he drowned in a pond. Oh, two feet of water. Yeah, that's a weird one. You know. I get you. Boy, imagine though if the chef really did drown, Obama would be like, fuck! No one's going to believe this guy. No, no chance.

The guy really did drown. Fuck this guy. No, no chance. The guy really fucked this guy. 100%. And then you got Tucker Carlson saying he has gay sex. Oh, yeah. He keeps saying it over and over. Tucker's getting fired up. Tucker is wild now that he's on Twitter. You can say whatever the fuck you want. It's so funny he's not right or left. He's not right or left. You see that?

The worst thing he does, though, is he does this thing. So I was watching the interview he did with the Hungarian prime minister. You guys see that one? Uh-uh. I'm telling you, I'm watching all these fucking things. It's very good. I mean, maybe, unless the Hungarian prime minister is a fucking nutjob, which, you know. Could be.

He's a fucking Hungarian prime minister. Yeah, HPL. But the whole time, they're talking about the war in Russia and all this very serious stuff. But occasionally, fucking Tucker will just be like, oh. The laugh is bad. He does this fucking dumbass laugh. When I realized who he was, it was Gomez. When Gomez was on there.

And he goes, how do you feel about politics? And Gomez just goes, Lewis just goes, politics is gay. And you hear who Tucker really is. He just goes, blah. He hasn't had someone speak honestly for a while. He literally laughs like he's like, Yeah, he's like royal. Yeah, he's like,

What? Right. Who the fuck laughs like that? Gay king. There's an old video. Also, I saw him pack his in, and I was like, This guy's a fool.

Oh, he's in. He was trying to be cool. No, you don't need to pack these. He literally was like, Yeah, I do zin sometimes. That's embarrassing. Shane hates people for frat reasons. Trying to be cool. No you don't need to pack these he literally was like Shane hates people for frat reasons He plays beer pong and lets it bounce that's cool that you could go that way You look like a down Z

Yeah, this is me I took shrooms the other day. Penis envy. The strongest shrooms on the planet. The worst. But I went and saw a concert, and they weren't kicking in, so I kept eating them. And my buddy was doing a zen. I go, let me try one of these. Put it in.

Shroomed my face off. It kicked it up. It was not good. That's pretty neat, though. I missed the whole concert. They do that in certain ceremonies. They blow tobacco smoke on people. It was not good. Wow. That's pretty neat, though. I missed the whole concert. They do that in certain ceremonies. They blow tobacco smoke on people. No, you snort tobacco.

Yeah, that too. It kicks it way up. It was a huge mistake. Yeah, both. Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's people snort tobacco that's like mixed with a bunch of other shit, too. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

There's this stuff called, I think it's called a cuje, and they fucking blow it up each other's nostrils. Snuff. Like. Snus. Yeah, like you stand over there, and I have like a bamboo shoot. There's a stuff called I think it's called a koo hay and they fucking blow it up each other's nostrils snuff like oh Stand over there, and I have like a bamboo shoot And apparently it's nasty Shooting shit up each other's Fine whatever that shit is. You're going to go nose. See if you can find that stuff they shoot up into those noses. It's like a blowgun filled with a drug. I think it's called a kuhe, but I don't know how to spell that.

Kuhe. Those guys were having a good time. Having a good time. They figured some stuff out. Take it down. Stuck in the jungle? You got a leaf over your dick, but I know how to get high as fuck, bro. And this river's filled with fish. Let's go. Think of I know how to get high as fuck, bro. And this river's filled with fish.

Let's go. Think of figuring out how to get high back then. Yeah. In some fucking hut in the jungle, you're like, yo, we're getting ripped, dude. Rappay. Is this one rappay? Rape. It's more rape.

What the fuck? It's a shamanic snuff. It contains nicotinia rustica type of tobacco, also known as mapacho. Catinia rustica type of tobacco, also known as mapacho. It's different from the tobacco used in cigarettes, which is nicotiana tobacco. Although it contains tobacco, you don't want to smoke, rape. Jesus Christ. Instead, it's administered into your nose. Say that to Cat Williams, Joe.

He's like, this shit's called rape. It also contains other medicinal and sacred plants, including parts from tree bark, leaves, seeds, and various plants. Once collected, the components become pulverized with a pestle and strained through a mesh. The result is a fine, light-colored powder. Different combinations of plants provide different uses and effects, and the exact recipe is often kept secret by the shaman. That's how bad people want to get high. Yeah. They'll try anything.

Remember when they were licking frogs' backs? Yeah. I think they probably still are. They still are. Really? Yeah, they still are. They get their secretion and they smoke it. Whoa.

The secretion off of the frog, they'll put it on a glass window pane, and they rub it all over, and the frog freaks out and creates this juicy shit to keep people from eating it. And then you put the frog back in his little frog box and then you let the shit dry in the sun and then you scrape it

off and smoke it. How do you figure that out? How many other things did you try? You're stuck in the fucking jungle. Yeah. I guess so. Crazy people. You got nothing going on. All you do, mushrooms, and the trees talk to you. Now we're talking. Hey, man. Because that's the simplest one. Imagine the first guy's like, can I eat that?

Yeah, you can. You know, you can eat it. You know, people try it. They don't die. So they know which ones they can eat. But imagine some of them, you're fucking starving. The trees will speak to you. Bro, you're starving. You're starving.

You literally, your family might die. And you stumble upon a pound of mushrooms. And you scoop them up and you bring them back to your family, and you're all eating these mushrooms. Just blown out of your fucking mind. Yes. Just blown out of your mind. Empty stomach, pounds of mushrooms. So say there's like an open field, and it just rained.

Wow. You get up in the morning. Dude, everybody's doing toad now. I keep hearing about it. Mike Tyson calls it the toad. The toad. That dude looks like the kind of guy that would get you DMT. Oh, yeah.

He totally does. Look at that guy's unnecessarily necklace. But waking up, I mean, that would have been like a religious experience. Oh, my God. I saw the truth. 100%. No one ever took mushrooms before that you talked to. I saw God.

You'd be like, yo. No explanation of it. Well, that's what Terrence McKenna thinks created people. He thinks it's called the stoned ape theory. He thinks that people started experimenting with mushrooms, and that was responsible for the doubling of the human brain size over a period of 2 million years. Yikes.

It's a fascinating theory that his brother, who's like a legitimate scientist, is... What is this guy doing? Whoa. He's tripping balls. Whoa. With a toad, son. Whoa, he's out. Wow.

That's like a fentanyl. That dude's in the center of the universe right now. Wow. Trash all over the beach. It's not a beautiful beach at all. Holy shit Look at this dude fucking with his trip Banging gongs and shit

Wow Imagine these dudes standing over you while you're tripping balls This guy is having a blast He's in heaven Yeah Probably literally That's probably what it is They're having a good time.

It's Margaritaville. RIP. Yep. The buff. And Smash Mouth. I didn't even finish my game. That guy's on the way out, right? It's very cool.

I think he died. He did die? Yeah. Thank you for admitting it. Hey, Smash Mouth guy died? He's an all-star. What's that, Jamie? He died?

No, I didn't deserve it on that, dude. I went to mine, I got mocked for it. It's Jamie. Jamie's ready. Jamie's eager. He's thirsty. Did the guy from Smash Mouth die, Jamie? Yes, he did. He passed away today.

What did he die of? Kidney failure, right? Yeah, liver, kidney. Yikes. Fuck. He had a good run. He had a great run, dude. That was a great song.

What a very tiny run Catchy too What are you talking about That song's incredible One song Don't do it already You might as well be walking on the sun That was good Wasn't that them

Yeah that was good They got some fucking bangers dude Smash Mouth rules It's better than that fucking hippie bullshit you listen to Two songs You listen to fucking Yeah what bullshit you listen to. Two songs. You listen to fucking Waco. Yeah, what do you like? Furthermore?

I just listen to GWAR. Smash Mouth. Oh, he's bringing it to Jamie. Son of a bitch. Can you play music on here? I can play some. Okay. We kind of just do, and then we see what happens.

I can't get enough of you, baby. That song sucks, dude. Oh, look at you. You're defending Smash Mouth. They were in Shrek. They were in Also Ran. Shut up. And Also Ran.

Jesus Christ, Ari. Well, it's very cold, right? It's so cold. It's so cold. Oh, my God. So cold, it's hard to drink. I got a piss. You want a piss, Shane? I already pissed. I beat Rogan. I drink. I got a piss. I already pissed.

I snuck out. You've been pissing a lot lately, dude. I've been clocking it. I'm worried about it. Ever since you challenged me, dude, your chin's been rocked. Your chin's been rocked. Yeah, you're weak. Hey, we should plug dates.

I'll be in Oklahoma City. Tickets aren't moving. Come on out. And I'm in Europe. MarkRomanComedy.com. Portugal, huh? Oh, yeah. Going straight from here to Portugal.

Nice. It's going to be a nutty coach plane ride. That's fine. That's how everybody lives. Oh, yeah. What do you got? I'm Ari Shaffir. I'll be in Philadelphia, Minneapolis, Minnesota, Chicago, Kansas City, Iowa City, Indianapolis,

Louisville, St. Louis, Louisville, Tempe, Tucson, Boston, Foxwoods, and Albany. And watch all our specials. AriShaffir.com. Yeah. Today is Shane's special. Yeah. Watch it on Netflix. Yeah.

It's a killer. Notch it on Netflix for sure. Make it number one. Make it the most watched special of all time. That'd be really cool. Aw. Look how cute. Beautiful dogs. Spoiler alert. Beautiful dogs. References. One of the bits. make it number one make it the most watched special of all time yeah that'd be really cool aww beautiful dogs spoiler alert

beautiful dogs references one of the bits in the special that was Adam Eget Adam Eget really I said you gotta call it that

cause naming a special is fucking lame it's hard it's tough I was just gonna say live in fucking Virginia yeah that's cool

yeah beautiful dogs Adam Eget there you go Eget Eget's the best good egg. Great guy. Okay. He's mine really hard nothing I love more than trying to get a drink. He's trying really hard not to get fuck. Oh you get to him too I guess it's so easy or my dad doesn't either. Yeah Which is fun to wave coke in his face cuz he's like twitching

in his face because he's like he starts twitching he wants it we all did mushrooms one time in Joshua Tree we went late night from the comedy store

like let's just get out there and Ego was wearing his manager's suit so we're wandering the desert he's wearing a fucking full suit I think Hitchcliff

me Edgar and him and then it's like he's just crossing a road and some car comes by he just sees a dude with a black suit with a black tie they're like what the fuck at 3am Jehovah's Witness He's just crossing a road and some car comes by. He just sees a dude with a black suit with a black tie.

They're like, what the fuck? At 3 a.m. Jehovah's Witness. Shroom to the gills. Shroom to the gills. Wandering around the desert. Shroom to the gillis. Hey, hey.

Woo, smash mouth. Smash mouth. Everybody's dying. Fucking vaccine. COVID's back and nobody cares. I know three people who have it and they don't really give a shit. I think you're about to have it for real. Probably. I think I might have it.

This is a super spreader. I think I might have it. I've had a cough that won't go away for about a week. Oh, shit. Are you lying, fucker? You have it. You didn't even tell us. I confessed to my COVID, you know, right away.

It's going off. Fucking stupid fucking thing. COVID alarm. 3-21. What do you do when you do shows in Europe? And that fucker just goes off. It happens all the time. And I hear audience members going, the watch, that's the watch.

They love your stupid watch. Oh, yeah. I'll tell you, this thing takes a licking. Why don't you just set it to the right time? If I knew how, I would. Jesus Christ. It's got four buttons on it. It's a fun watch.

I like it. It must be so easy to figure out. Hey, you want to try it? Yeah, you fucking throw in the trash. Yeah, I can figure that out for sure. Not if you're thinking about puns all day. Drink this. You got to watch what you say.

Here we go. It's cold. It's so cold. Suck it down, homo. It's an ice bath. You can tough it out. Yeah. It's so cold. It's an ice bath. You can tough it out. Yeah. Oh, he's got no... It's so cold.

Come on. Easy. It's cold. Yeah. I feel like I can talk you into doing things. I love you. I love you. Aw.

I love you for real. I love you for real, too. I think you're the man to bring Bud Light back. I think you and Tim Dillon pair up. If Bud Light has some balls, throw some real fucking money at a campaign. Mulvaney's got balls. We got a game. Two of the funniest guys on planet Earth.

One of them is straight sober. And you're just drinking Bud Light the whole time talking shit. I mean, that would be it. Put Tim in a wig. They fucking put out a series of really funny ads about people. All right, it's been enough time. Tim's sober, but he's like, all right, they paid their dues. When I'm done ripping ass all day.

I like a fun life. Stuffing kids' butts. Jesus Christ. When you say kid, you mean 19. For sure, for sure, for sure. College kids. For sure. Hopefully, I don't know.

Rookie NBA kids. He's got good taste in twinks. Yeah, he's got good twinks. He's got good twinks. Yeah, yeah. He's a twink master. To me, that's the thing. We were just in, I was in a college town for a month.

Yeah. You see 21, 22-year-olds, you're like, that's a fucking kid. That's a kid. Yeah. Crazy. And then you see the mirror while you're walking out of the fucking bar. You're like, holy shit. You're hard.

I'm just an old man. I'm just a gross piece of shit. You are to them what I am to you. For real. That is the age difference. Yeah, and I'm the next step up above that. Yeah. Yeah, but you look.

You've got that alien blood. Yeah, you're a fucking alien. You're an octopus, dude. How cold is it, Mark? Don't halfway. Don't halfway. Mark, this is for the troops, dude. How cold is it, Mark? Don't halfway. Don't halfway. Mark, this is for the troops, dude. So cold.

For the troops. Did he halfway? So cold. Did he halfway? You kneel and finish it. I got three-fourths. Russia's going to win, dude. Three-fourths.

Russia's going to win. This is for Ukraine, dude. He measures that like he measures his dick. Three-fourths. From the ball sack. Every three-fourths of an inch counts. I go from the taint all the way up. Give me an extra two inches.

What are you guys, about six? Damn those phallates. That's funny. You're like biblical. You're like, yeah, he was about 800 years old. My dick's about fucking five feet long. My feet. What kind of goofy calendar did they have in the year zero?

No calendar. Forget about it. They were just going, dude. Didn't we just have a winter like a couple months ago, right? Are we in the wrong spot? Did we stay in the year zero. No count. Forget about it. They were just going, dude. They're just like, didn't we just have a winter like a couple months ago, right? Yeah. Are we in the wrong spot? Did we stay in the wrong spot? Like, if you fucked up and you moved to Alaska, you're like, what is this bullshit?

There's no sun for months. Nightmare. You just thought that was normal. You know how during the summer you forget what it's like to be cold? Yeah. You know what I mean? Uh-huh. They must have been like, they must have literally been like, oh, fuck, it's never going to be

cold again. Yo, you know what one of the dopest vampire movies ever is? Yeah, let me hear it. 30 Days of Night. 30 Days of Night. Oh, never heard of it. Don't get me started on Hard Net, dude. You gotta fucking love that movie.

Hard Net's a hunk. It's so fun. And that was Josh Hartnett in that? Hard Net's a baby. Josh Hartnett was one of the all-time greatest white Joshes. Yeah, he's the best. Very few. What happened to that guy?

Jews and blacks. Where did that guy go? He's still around. He's around. He was in Oppenheimer. I haven't seen Oppenheimer. He was actually in Oppenheimer. But he rules in this movie.

We're starting to talk over each other. That means it's good. It's working. It's working. Give me some clips. Give me a fucking trailer for 30 Days of Night, Jimmy. I've never heard of this movie. It's great.

Vampires land in Alaska right when there's going to be no sun for 30 days. What do you mean land? Wait, not vampires. In a boat. They come in a boat. Oh, wow. Wait, I thought it was people in homes. Which one was that?

30 Days of Night is the vampires that come into a town in Alaska. Yeah, but there was another one in Vampires in Alaska. Here, watch this. This is the trailer. That ain't no vampire. This is the trailer. This is all about vampires. Is this a comedy?

You stupid ass. Holy shit. You probably thought it was just your relatives. Because you're Jewish. Oh, Viking. That's what I mean. This movie fucking rules. Yeah.

I've never heard of it. What year? 2007. Yeah, 15 years ago. Look at these Jewish guys. And they're cool vampires, too. They're freaky looking But yet what years it set in it's today Alaska sucks

the time is coming yeah I am Nando the relentless that's a good show I thought it was bad TV there's hard to get our heart that he's so hands freshly bundled up at looking to shack up with them for the bar and the cop outfit Ben Foster fucking rule he rules in a great ass around good so good and everything heller high water other high Oh, and the cop outfit. Ben Foster fucking rules. He rules in everything.

He's so good in everything. Hell or high water? Hell or high water. He's so good in this. And he's like the perfect vampire familiar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? Someone who wants to be a vampire so bad.

Gamera. Gamera's top five familiars all the time. Gamera's a great familiar. Sam Raimi. Can you hand me a beer, please? It's time for me to release my hellhound, Dog Peterson. So they like it because there's no sun. No sun.

That's pretty good. They don't have to go to sleep at all. A lot of blood. This is terrifying. A lot of blood. This is terrifying. I'm not gay, but when I was a young man, Hardnet was my guy. Really?

Yeah, when I was a young man, I was like, that's the hottest guy possible. I go Paul Newman. Young Paul Newman is pretty hot. So hot. Yeah, but you were... No, now. Oh, now. No, but I'm saying when you were a young man. Like, Hartnett was the man.

He was a heartthrob. Yes. When I was very young, it was JTT. He was on the cover of Tiger Bank. Oh, he was cute. Cute. Who's JTT? Justin Timberlake.

Good fate. He quit the business. Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He fucked everybody. Your people got a hold of him. If Jason Momoa's in the room, they all have to sit down. Oh, a little

too beefy for me. I don't know, man. I'm not into it. I don't like muscle guys. I like a good heart in that. Really? Yeah, give me a slim butt. You don't like muscle guys. Muscle guys, I'm like, dude, take it easy. Jason Momoa the one in, uh... Take it easy? You know what I mean?

See, who's mine? Who's your hot guy? Paul Walker was pretty hot. But he's kind of girly. Nah, that's why I want to fuck him. He's pretty. Girly. Look at his pretty face. You just stopped one quarter of the way through a beer.

You talking about girly? Japanese never stood a chance. What the fuck are you talking about? He looks like a flat-chested lady. Bro, that was 1947. That was 1947. Dudes were going over there and running up on the beach to get gunned down. Beginning of Saving Private Ryan.

Just keep sending troops. Eventually we'll get to those turrets. Jesus Christ, man. That was not... Imagine requiring any of that from a 20-year-old kid today. We would all go... Well, requiring that from any of us. We would all go, for real, no.

For real, no. I'll just leave. You're going to have to real, no. For real, no. No way. I'll just leave. You're going to have to kill me here. I'll just leave. No way. Going to Canada. The U-boat, seeing that Omaha beach, and just seeing everybody get mowed down, and you've got to go towards it.

They've got to go towards it by a ride. That whole ship right there, and then the thing opens, and they'll just... Yeah. They don't even touch water. Yeah. Guys were getting gunned down as the thing dropped. You couldn't get close to the fucking beach? Brutal. Isn't a U-boat a submarine?

Those fucking landers are something different But I thought they were U-boats too How many American soldiers died In the Battle of Normandy? How many American soldiers? Thousands and thousands I mean, yeah, like 4,000 12,000

It's way less It's like 2 or 3 than that. It's way less. It's like two or three. There's a U-boat. That's a U-boat. So what do they call those? Those are Hueys? No, it wasn't a U-boat.

So that was in World War II? Yeah, how many people died on Omaha Beach? That's what the submarines looked like in World War II? Yeah, probably way less. Probably like 1,800. I think it was like... Bro, how did they get rid of their shit? What do you mean?

What's that? Dumping? Mental? They got a little torpedo chamber. They shot a torpedo shit out? Yeah. 2,400. What do you mean?

Oh, get rid of the poof. It was close to 9-11 was almost. America suffered 2,400 casualties. Out of 3,400 people. 3,400. 3,400,000 Allied troops landed by nightfall. That's just casualties, too. That's not even deaths.

Sounds kind of nice. Oh. Casual. How many times? That one. That one. The beach? So 34,000 of them made it.

2,500. That's pretty good odds. Oh, D-Day itself. Yeah, that was landings and shit. Man. 4,400 Allied troops were killed on D-Day itself, including 2,500 American. Check out the Battle of Kursk. See how many people died.

Oh, this is fucking the downer section of the night. This is from Bong and Beer's talking Kursk. Mark Normandy. see how many people died oh this is fucking the downer section the night I was just following bong and beers talking Kursk Mark Normandy see how many tanks died fine machines go back there way you check out Kursk pretty wild huh the red army defenses held firm but a but at a great cost of life, although specific numbers are still debated amongst historians. It's estimated the Battle of Kursk caused around 800,000 Soviet casualties and 200,000 German casualties. I think they lost more tanks than we lost people at Normandy. Hey, all right, America.

800,000 Soviet casualties. We lost more tanks than we lost people at Normandy. Hey, all right, America. That's just like how many- 800,000 Soviet casualties. How many troops do you have where you're like, these are assets, we can lose about this many of them? Wow. There's a lot of Russians. 800,000. How many people were in the country at the time? They saved us.

The Russians helped the war. The Russians won the war, dude. They lost 20 million people. Wow. We lost 600,000. That's why Khabib's so tough. You ever see how big that place is on a map? This sounds like you don't want Ukraine to win.

Oh, shit. Hey. That's what it sounds like to me. I would love for Ukraine to win. I don't like what you're doing with your glasses. It makes me trust you less. I love Zelensky. I want Ukraine to win, but I'll tell you what you're doing with your glasses. It makes me trust you less. I love Zelinsky. I want Ukraine to win, but I'll tell you what, Joe.

If ifs and buts were candies and nuts, we'd all have a wonderful Christmas. Oh, my God. I don't know what that was, but I loved it. It's been going on pretty long, though, huh? You didn't expect it to go on this long. What? We got a lot of money. Ukraine.

We can keep that thing going as long as we want. It seemed like it'd be over in three weeks. It's like an Aerosmith song, bro. It's like a Judd Apatow movie. It won't end. We can keep it going. We lost Maui, I'll tell you that. Bro, they're making money.

Yeah, that's what it is. There's no money in Maui, I'll tell you that. Bro, they're making money. Yeah, that's what it is. There's no money in Maui. Tell you what, they got my Airbnb. Huh? Those fuckers, that space laser shot down my Airbnb. What? Uncle Laser. I was going to Lahaina. I was trying to go.

This is very, this is, I know for real, obviously it's horrific what happened, but. Yeah, Firefest 2. Jeez. That's why they should have had Burning Man. All right, keep going. Me and my friend growing up, his name's Jared. Shout out, Jared. We always wanted to go to the Maui Invitational, the college basketball tournament every year.

Up South City. And so this year I finally had enough money to be like, yo, we're doing it, bro. We're going to Maui. And I got a sick-ass house in Lahaina. And we already know the ending of the show. They used a space laser and fucking ruined it. Is that what the rumor is? Uncle space laser.

Did you get your deposit back? No, I'm fairly certain it was obviously. I'm still trying to do it. Did you get your deposit back? No, I'm fairly certain it was obviously. I'm still trying to do it. Did you get your deposit back? The tournament. Well, I didn't. Yeah, but I did get my deposit back. I was not going to ask.

They just gave it. I was not going to ask for the deposit back. Yeah. Have you been to Maui? No. Yeah. I heard it's the best place on Earth. It's the best.

Magical place. Norman and I went there together. Oh, that's right. Black Rock Beach, now Black Earth. There's wild conspiracy theories about what caused them. This is a fire. This is clearly a fire with a hurricane off the coast with wind. Well, it's also there's video of the power lines going down.

It's PG&E, these fucking cunts never do any repairs. I have no idea what their resources are. I would imagine they're probably depleted after COVID like everybody else is, especially a place that relies entirely on people to show up. For tourism, what percentage of that is of Maui's economy? It has to be massive.

No way the start of fire was caught on camera. No way. Today's show, YouTube channel. Of course it was a white freak. It's a possible cause of first fire. Okay, so wind took the power lines down It shouldn't be that easy To take a power line down Yeah, but it's a hurricane

Hurricane wind Is hurricane wind Yeah, but they're ready for that No, they're not They don't get hurricanes that much Okay They don't? No

It's very lush That's why it doesn't have much What do they get? What's a big storm for them? Because they get crazy storms. Pearl Harbor? It's a hurricane that's straight to fire. Jesus Christ, man.

They did get hit with the Pearl Harbor. Oh, yeah. Bro. That's crazy. Pearl Harbor was probably around those casualties, too. Yeah, that was up there. 9-11, D-Day, and Pearl Harbor, all very, very similar amount of casualties. It is.

Best fist fight I ever saw was at Maui Fest that we went to. Who was fighting? It was like a native Maui Hawaiian guy. Tough as shit. Those guys are scary as hell. And then like a white guy who obviously had training and they just went at it in a bar and it was crazy. It was like a movie.

Dude's actually fighting is crazy. Crazy. A real fight is like dudes wrestling and be like. Yeah. If you're in Hawaii, there's a real good chance a lot of the guys that you're going to run into at a bar know how to fight. Oh, yeah. A real good chance. You can get kicked. Yeah.

Hawaii's are nuts. BJ Penn and Max Holloway, two of the greatest of all time. Right. Two of the all-time greats. Also one of the greatest fan bases. There's always fights in the stands at UFC when a Hawaiian fights. Really? It's just standard. Yeah. It's tough. It's like two to one. Well, they of the greatest fan bases. There's always fights in the stands at UFC when a Hawaiian fights. Really? It's just standard.

Yeah. It's tough. It's like two to one. Well, they live it on an island. Yeah. And they hate Whitey. They hate Whitey. They're just out there like, let's go.

I think they hate douchey Whitey. Wow. They hate the douchey Whitey that comes in and fucks with their way of life. Guilty as they hate. They hate Whitey. You know? I don't think they hate Whitey. Everybody, though.

I don't know. There's tension over there, man. If you fucking move in and buy their land. And build a fucking Dave and Buster's. They have a small amount of land. Imagine what it's like if you have an island and people start just buying up chunks of your island. And one fucking internet guy has a whole island. None of you can come.

Just me. What a baller move. What a baller move. But you know, everybody can go. There's four seasons on it. I've stayed with it. It's amazing. You got that right.

He just owns like 80% of it? No, he owns the whole fucking island, bro. But you could stay on his island. It's a catch-22. That guy's a fucking bitch. No, no, no. That guy's a bitch. Let no one on if you're a fucking man.

What are you talking about? If he was a real man, he wouldn't let up four seasons there. It's a big island, Ari. Nah, get out. Get out. It's tourism. They gotta have a four seasons. I mean, that's a catch-22 because they hate all the whitey coming in, but they also bring

in more whitey who spend money. So what do you do here? Jesus. It's like slavery. God damn. What? I don't know where you went with that. Well, it's a tough one because, you know, slavery's horrible, but we live in America.

We got a lot of sugar. Yeah. It's a tough one because, you know, slavery is horrible, but we live in America. We got a lot of sugar. Yeah. You know, slavery sucked, but we sure did get a lot of sugar and coffee. And cotton. Jesus, boys. No, no. I was being, I was joking because the joke was that sugar and coffee is not worth the human toll.

That was the joke. Oh, I don't know. Coffee's pretty good. The problem is if you're too fucked up to hear the begettings of jokes, you're like, wait, what? You're like, no, I'm not fucking this up. I would just like to explain this with a more critical eye. Wowie, wowie.

All right, all right. Let's get it back together. Sorry, folks. How about a curse? Fuck you, Jeannie. Hey, the Irish were slaves. And the Jews. Pyramid. Barely, folks. How about a curse? Fuck Virginia. Hey, the Irish were slaves. And the Jews. Pyramid.

Barely, dude. Apparently there's more slaves today than there ever was when slavery was legal. Yeah, and the Uyghurs. Well, what's happening with those folks? I don't know. I hate Uyghurs. Wow. We don't even know what's going on in Ukraine.

See? He did it, too. We don't really know. We don't know shit. A lot of Nazis out there, too. How could you know? A lot of white supremacists. I think we should be trying to know what's going on in Ukraine. See, he did it too. We don't. We don't. We don't really know. We don't know shit. A lot of Nazis out there too. How could you know? A lot of white supremacists. I think we should be trying to know what's happening.

Who's the one guy that had a Nazi tattoo and he had his sleeve covered when he received an award? Zielinski. No, no, no, no, no, no. Sorry. He's the guy who played the piano with his dick. What? Yeah.

I don't know this guy. No. Zielinski. Oh. That was Zielinski? Yeah, when he was a comic. Yeah. Wait, really?! That was Zielinski? Yeah, when he was a comic. Yeah. Wait, really?

He did all the single ladies dance. Zielinski was a comic, and he played the piano with his dick. He was a pianist. What was the other guy I was asking about? Uh-huh. What was the other guy I was asking about? The guy with the swastika? Oh, yeah.

Some guy. See if you can find that. So some guy received some award. In a cupboard? It was like, I want to say like an actor gave it to him. I forget who gave it to him. Was it Adolf Hitler for killing most Jews? When he was receiving his award, he had a...

The winner of this year's killing most Jews award. No surprise here, everybody. A landslide repeat from 1943. What did they name before him? Stone? I guess so. The award was something they gave him at the beginning of the invasion, where everybody was on Ukraine's side. Hey, Stewart.

Ukrainian Nazis were invited to Disney World by the Pentagon. Oh, Stewart. Holy shit. 2022 DoD Warrior Games. What the fuck? Liberal comedian John Stewart even honored a former hardcore Azov militant for his personal example. What the hell? I mean, there's a lot more they're not sharing in the story.

But this is the guy. So that guy has this tattoo on his elbow. And so he had it covered when he was receiving his award. That's not a swastika tattoo. That's a dream catcher. You don't see too many Nazis as fucking stuffed animals. He's a hippie. Tattoo on his elbow and so he had it covered when he was receiving his award That's the dream catcher you don't see too many He's a hippie It's cute How do we know that's not Photoshopped mmm, how do we know that's not Photoshop? There's no Mickey Mouse be a good way if I was a conspiracy theorist

There you go. I would say I like the original photo, please. Oh, hey guys That's a little convenient this guy's got teddy bears and also he's a Nazi one of those two are photoshopped in something's wrong Interesting is wrong isn't it funny we sided with the Russians to defeat You guys got his arm now we're siding with the Nazis to defeat the Russians. Interesting. So when he receives his award, he's got his left arm covered. Is that a cast? Yeah, it does look like a cast.

Somebody tried to break his arm because they thought it was a Nazi thing and it wasn't. It might be. He's just really into designs. It looks bionic. It is Arabic originally. Yeah, the swastika. I went to this Indian temple. There's an Indian temple in Woodland Hills, and it has

backwards swastikas all over the place. I don't buy that that thing's a swastika. If that guy's really a swastika guy, he's just fucking making a swastika. What's that fucking high-tech design he has? That's not a swastika. That's not a Nafti thing. What do you think that is? That's a misinterpretation of what the first thing is.

Maybe he's just worried about the interpretation of it. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, maybe. Because it's like, just get a Swastika. But those guys, those Azoff guys. What he got was like electric, that guy. No, but the Azoff Bedakafiller Center? Yeah, they ended up covering it up eventually.

Wow. Look at that. That guy was found on piping and valves during during construction project at the state capitol. It's the opposite way, right? What year was that? Why are you confused by that? They bought piping from Nazi Germany. Yeah.

Yeah, they were making steel. Oh. Well, that's why they're confused by that. It's like the BMW. Before they did all the bad things. Interesting. They were making some cool shit. Yeah, Mercedes.

That's wild. It isn't German, but. Volkswagen. Oh, it's not even German? No. Someone's just playing a little joke. Wrong. Wrong's wild. It isn't German, but. Volkswagen. Oh, it's not even German? No. Someone's just playing a little joke. Wrong. Wrong, though.

Somebody's just playing a little joke. It's like, bro. Bro, he's an apologist. It sounds like he's a little bit of a Hitler apologist right now. Oh, shit. They were making steel. Hey. What the fuck?

It's American made, according to this. Oh, my God. It's American made. And someone put a Nazi. But it is the symbol for good luck, so it was. Yeah, it's a Hindu one. It's before that according to this. Oh my god, it's American made. And someone put a Nazi. But it is the symbol for good luck. So it was before that. Yeah, it's a Hindu one. It's before that even.

1920s. According to Abe's diorama. So this is in the 1920s? A best diorama. That's so wild. I love this guy. Imagine if you had all your stock in swastikas. You're like, guys, it's a symbol of good luck.

What could go wrong? What could possibly go wrong? I got the copyright. I fucking mortgaged my house. I don't know what to tell you, buddy. It's like Corona during COVID. Stocks are going down. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Guys, guys, guys, you don't understand. I own the swastika. You did nothing wrong, but it's over. It's like when Meryl Streep was like, Harvey's the greatest. It's fucking good luck, guys. You can't make it killing the Jews. It's good luck. It's so funny to justl Streep was like, Harvey's the greatest. It's fucking good luck, guys. You can't make it killing the Jews. It's good luck. It's so funny to just be like, you're never going to believe this.

The worst fucking thing that's ever happened to people. That symbol you like and invested in? And that's your symbol and you put it on your pipes. Turns out the worst guy ever. We're Hindu. And then like 10 years later, like people are doing construction on houses and they know that you put these pipes in, their swastikas on it. They're like, hey, Mike, what the fuck is this?

You're like, no, no, no, no, no. Back then, the swastika was good luck. Guys. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. Back then, it was good luck. It was the same people who got beat up during 9-11. Not even us. Here's the other thing.

Back then, how the fuck would you know if it was a symbol for good luck? What are you going to do? Get a book? You're not going to believe this asshole. Where am I going to get a book? Where am I going to get a book in 1947 on what the fucking original meaning of the swastika? It's called Mein Kampf. How much digging do I have to do?

How much digging do I have to do to find out the truth? No Google. In 1947, you're fucked. Sybil had thousands of years swats Germans had like eight. It's amazing. Yeah, it's a good graphic design Used to be a fucking thing that some shota Khan karate guys would have on their geese pull it up Jmo because it was like a shota Khan symbol shota Khan Pull it up, J-Mo. Because it was like a Shotokan symbol. Shotokan.

I don't know what. Shotokan. I think it existed in many different cultures. I think so, too. It's the sickest fucking symbol. It's a great design. It's on every motorcycle in Indonesia. It's everywhere. Really?

It's so weird. You're just like, what the fuck? Because it's the backwards one? But you don't know which way it's facing. In your mind, when you picture a swastika, you're like, I don't know. Which way is it supposed to go? That would be a little alarming for you, yeah. Oh, there you go.

Look how many of them there were. Wow. Graphic swastikas. So Germans is right to left. We're back here. Everyone on top, right to left. We protect our parks. Okay, right to left at the angle.

Yeah, we do talk a lot about- So the German one, that's the German one, right? So good swastika said- So that's the good luck. Left to right. No, wait. Right. Yeah, I know, but who's doing that?

Left to right on the top. You know what's really bizarre? Yeah. You 100% see those kind of things when you're tripping. You don't see them like that. You see them like... You take mushrooms and see swastikas? You don't see that.

You see infinite versions of that with squares and boxes and tubes and shit. But you see those kind of swirling, moving geometric patterns. It's funny they don't have German on there. I wonder if the origin of that was people tripping. I wonder if the origin of that was someone eating mushrooms and seeing these wild, crazy patterns and saying, oh, that's good luck. Hold on. Wait, could you go back to the Hindu one? Oh, that guy's hilarious.

Dude, that's so crazy. The one that said Hindu? Look at that. Star of David, swastika? Because I've never seen a swastika. Wow, it's facing the right way. I've never seen a swastika while I'm tripping, but I've seen geometric patterns like that.

That would be like a... I would certainly see how someone who had tripped before would think of that as a representation of what you see when you're tripping. And why do those ones never go the other way? Don't click it, Jamie. Because you know what? It seems like it's got

motion to it. You know what I'm saying? And that's like what you experience when you're tripping and you experience, like when you're tripping and you experience like whatever the fuck you're seeing. The good luck version. They're not static. Right?

Right, right. They move. They rotate. They're constantly moving and rotating and that looks like if I was going to have like a two-dimensional drawing

or something you could see where you're tripping balls, that's what it looks like. And that's what it was. It was a good luck thing for thousands of years. Yeah. And the fucking Nazis just what it looks like. And that's what it was. It was a good luck thing for thousands of years. And the fucking Nazis ruined everything. And the Nazis just took it over.

That was the second worst thing they did. Second worst thing they did. And also, the crazy thing is how good they were at engineering. How good their fucking cars were. Oh, they're very efficient people. How good their engines were. They suck, dude're very efficient people. How good their engines were. They suck, dude.

Fuck Germany. For real. I'll be in Berlin in one week. Fuck them, dude. Bro, they did some wild shit. They got rowdy. I mean, yeah. Look at this building in San Diego.

What is that? Oh, my God. It's a swastika building. Oh, shit. No. That's the right way. But that's the correct way. Good luck, man. The guy went, son of a bitch. That's the right way. But that's the correct way. Good luck with it.

Son of a bitch. Still got a Jewish landlord. Jesus Christ. Absolutely. Oh, my God. We used to live in the Lower East Side, me and my ex-girlfriend. And the Jews, they owned the building. I'm talking Hasidic.

And he would come in to fix something. They have a tool belt. It's so weird to see a rabbi with a beard like that, a yarmulke, the tassels, and a tool belt, and he would fix your plumbing, but he couldn't look at the girl. He wouldn't look at her. That's sick. It was wild. That's very nice.

It was nice. Wow. He's got to keep his hair on the toilet. That's the type of tool guy you want. You don't want some fucking jacked hot guy coming in. Oh, good points. I'm Josh Hartman. And you're sitting there like a pussy where you're like, I don't know how to fix a shelf.

Yeah, yeah. Some jacked guy comes in and fixes it. He's like, that took five seconds. But the pipe's got a swastika on it. And he tosses in a swastika pipe. I got to replace these pipes. They're old or something. Guys, guys, guys.

This is my business. This is my family business. It's all fun and. Guys, guys, guys. This is my business. This is my family business. It's all fun and games for you. But I own the swastika. It's good luck, guys. That's all it is. It's good luck.

This is a fad. This fad's gonna pass. Look, it was good luck for thousands and thousands and thousands of years. It faces slightly differently. You really think that the Nazis are gonna ruin it forever? I'm telling you guys. I am very big on the swastika. It's coming back. That'd be like if the horseshoe all of a sudden became the symbol for killing Muslims or something.

Or gays. It's a game they play now. Yeah. Right. There you go. Things like that do happen. I mean, rainbows used to mean leprechauns. Oh, yeah. Used to mean potsprechauns. Oh, yeah.

Used to mean pots of gold. Now it means sucking another guy's ass. Let me cum in your butt and suck it out of your butt. And that means rainbow. Anytime I see a rainbow, I think about sucking a guy's fucking dick and nuts. So much of my cum or someone else's cum in your butt that I could suck out. Guys, I don't think rainbow. I think pride.

Well, remember, pride used to mean something else. Pride was like, we have pride. I think I'm the best at sucking out of dudes' butts. I'm the proudest I am. True pride. Doesn't the Bible say you shouldn't have pride? Yeah, it's a sin. So there you go. You can have it.

It's in the Bible. Maybe that's how everybody got confused and thought that you shouldn't be gay. Don't be so proud of your pecs and shit. Don't be so proud of your great life, guys. That Norm Macdonald joke about that is so good.

The pride about it. I'm a Klusky old dog. He's like some guy working at a factory. He's like, here's my son. He graduated. He's the first of the Kluskys to graduate from college. He's like yeah here he is sucking a guy's dick that's what i'm most proud about oh when he was on dennis miller and i saw in it there were these uh old men and old ladies like with these uh signs that said we are proud of our gay son

That's an odd thing to be proud of you know because it's not an achievement You know it's not like something you work all your life to be gay or any of that great point No, my real good point. Oh my god. We're proud of him Johnny he Graduated from Harvard you know and now he's articling over at a law firm. And, oh, yeah, he loves cock. Watch Dennis Miller. That's hilarious. That's a great bit.

Yeah. He loves cock. Did you ever see him do the one about the more black people, it means more crime? Yes. The radio show. The poor people commit crime. The lady's like, no, they don't. I was like, wait, what? Oh, you've got to show that one. They call in. They're like, no, we are poor. No, we radio show. And he's like, well, no, the poor people commit crime. The lady's like, no, they don't. I was like, wait, what?

Oh, you've got to show that one. They call in. They're like, no, we are poor. No, we're poor. Yeah. It's great. Because the lady keeps calling him a racist. And he goes, wait, are you saying black people are richer than white people?

Right. No. I'm like, well, then what? What was this on? It was on a radio show. It was like a morning radio show. And you had to do that to sell out a club. Oh, wow.

He's just making intentionally combative points that are correct. He's like the original Ben Shapiro. That's when he had the teachers. Don't put that on, Norm. They're like, don't put that on. He's like, I got these people riled up. Watch this. No, he was being funny.

He also said teachers aren't heroes. He's like, they're not heroes. This is the tallest guy in the room. They're not heroes. When you teach people how to color, firemen are heroes. He's like, they're not heroes. This is the tallest guy in the room. They're not heroes. Well, you teach people how to color? Firemen are heroes. That's such a great line. So smart. The Louie joke

about teachers is so good. What is it? Just like, you are a fucking loser. And he's like, you go up to a building and they're like, yeah, you gotta teach all these kids math. He's like, oh, do they want to learn about math? It's like, you go up to a building and they're like, yeah, you got to teach all these kids math. He's like, oh, do they want to learn about math? It's like, none of them want to.

It's like, wait, well, which kids is it? It's just like, whoever's closest to the building, we're going to bring all the kids in. I don't remember that one. Yeah, I think it was 2017. Oh, my God. I'm open for that. That was a great one. Really? You're open for that?

If you see the beginning, I'm hugging him and Joe Lister. Hug him. Teach them. That's what life is like. This is at the dollars of the American Revolution in D.C. Here's the worst thing about this country to me. There's no more noble profession than to be a public school teacher. It's easily... Oh, here it comes.

You're not going to like it. You're not going to like where it's going. I don't recommend clapping at anything. You'll regret it at the end of the thing. In a democracy, there's no more noble contribution you can make than to teach in a public school. And in this country, the people that do that, they're fucking losers. They're just rock bottom fucking losers. There's more. There's more.

There's more. I'll tell you what's crazy about that. It's so funny. He's like, I know I'm going. Guys, guys. Oh, my God. Please stop. Please stop.

Stop. I'm going so dark with it. This is 2017, pre-cancel, obviously. And me and Joe Liss would run out to do an open mic. And Louie would go with us. Do open mics? Yeah, and just do an open mic at like a bar in D.C. He's a psycho.

After the show, after filming a Netflix thing, he'd be like, where are you guys going? I know where it was. Big Hunt. Big Hunt was a good open mic. Big Hunt was good. And people went ape shit when he walked in, obviously. That's amazing. But then you got to eat with Louie and you watch him eat and you're like,

oh man, you were like my hero. Wow. What's amazing. But then you got to eat with Louie, and you watch him eat, and you're like, oh, man. You were like my hero. Wow. What a problem. Dude, I went to- Oh, man. He's a bad eater. I went to a Yankee game with him. We got like sweet tickets or something, and it was just all you can eat.

Oh, no. And he goes, dude, sorry, sorry. But he goes, hey, man, you're about to be grossed out by this. Oh, he knew it? Yeah. Oh, he knows. He was like, that's free burgers. I'm just telling you now.

It's going to be disgusting for you. Let's go. His sweater gets ruined. He fucking munches. That guy can munch. Oh, man. He can munch. Please jerk off.

I'd rather not. As a Jew, I was like, no, dude. It's all over the fucking beard and the shirt. He needs a lobster bib. Dude, I saw him one time in the cellar, and he was, like, doing whatever, but he just stops, and there's crumbs on him. He just goes, the fuck is wrong with you? There's fucking crumbs on you!

And he's a brilliant guy, but you're like, oh, wow. You're just like us. Yeah. Yeah, those smart guys. Those real brilliant guys, they always have fucking crumbs on them. Yeah. Something's up. Something's up.

I'll try to wipe myself off after a meal. Yeah, the Venn diagram of people with crumbs on them. Right. It's like the dumbest people on earth. Or they got a wicked booger or something. Yeah, the smartest guys I know are always fucking disgusting. I'm sure Einstein had skid marks and

shit. Einstein was disgusting. Some guy at fucking Einstein's dining hall was like that guy fucking sucks. Imagine if there was a stand drift everywhere. I bet my life Einstein had horrible breath. Imagine.

Oh, 100%. Imagine a scientist that looked like James Franco. No way. It doesn't exist. Unbelievable. Dresses slick. There's zero. You want to punch him in the belly.

You're not going to listen to him anyway. You want to do with fucked up hair. Look at Einstein. Look at that guy. That guy stunk. That mustache smells like pussy. He smoked cigarette butts he picked off the street, son. See?

Look at that. There you go. We called it. We called it. Bro. That motherfucker picked cigarette butts off the street and smoked them. He looks like a community college walk-on. Well, it's like brilliant guys always have a, like Norm MacDonald couldn't drive.

Right. You know? They always have something missing. That's why they're so smart, because they're not using that brain power for other shit. I heard Norm used to ask people to go play tennis if they had cars

and on the way home from tennis, he'd be like, we should stop at the supermarket. You ever go to Nick Mullin's apartment? Perfect example.

He's got a fucking squat rack and a fake race car. Perfect example. He's the smartest guy I've ever met. I don't know how to do anything. Metzger never had a license.

Metzger's a fucking retard. Retarded. He's one smartest guy ever. I don't know how to do anything. Metzger never had a license. Metzger's a fucking retard. Retarded. He's one of the quickest one-liner guys ever. And retarded. It's crazy. Genius level comedic brain. Yeah. Like him and Jimmy Dore are a perfect combination.

You watch those videos they do together? Yeah. Kurt just kind of sits on the side, just chimes in, talks shit. It's great. But he he said that shows kind of fucked him up really he goes before that i never really considered how many of these things were real conspiracies like that are real like how many different things that's a bummer it's like it's it's kind of a freak out better than not know yeah because like if you're bliss free ignorant just running around having a good time living your, same result kind of happens. It's the exact same.

For the most part. You're not going to shut down the CIA. And you're like, oh, fuck it. There's just a period you go through where you're like, there's a period everybody goes through where you're like, oh, shit, I realize it's wrong, and then you get over that, you're like, it'll never change, goodbye, I'm going to have a good time. Yeah, like Nate Bergazzi. He's in the third stage.

But he thinks dinosaurs and people are hanging out. Whoa, is that real? Is that real? He's got a bit about it. he thinks dinosaurs and people were hanging out. Is that real? He's got a bit about it. Maybe. He really believes that? No. He may as well. He goes, I know this is lame, but I don't believe dinosaurs are real.

That's hilarious. He goes, I get that it's a joke. That's why I'm saying it. But I actually don't believe it. He doesn't believe it. I get it. He's sweet with a long putter, though. Multiple people who don't believe dinosaurs are real.

Neil deGrasse Tyson thinks gay is a choice. What? Because he decided not to. He's clearly gay. Jesus Christ. We're not allowed to talk about sexuality. I don't care. There's nothing bad about being gay, so I can call people gay.

That makes sense. Now, you must be a bigot if you think that that's bad. I'll do better. I'm going to do better. Joe, this is a fucking learning moment. This is a teaching moment. Thank you. Appreciate it. If I called Neil deGrasse Tyson a big fucking gay guy...

It's a compliment. That doesn't matter. What do they think dinosaurs are? Neil de ass. What do they think they are? Testel to ass. People that find dinosaur bones, what do they think they are? Test from God. A fucking fake bullshit from Jesus. A misprint from God.

Just big animals. To sway you off the path. Big dogs. Yeah. You guys hid that. We hid that shit. Didn't Bill Hicks have a bit about that? Maybe.

What about dinosaurs? Like that God was fucking with us? Wasn't there? I think there was a bit like that. Fact check. Dinosaurs are real. Not invented in the 1800s. That's a fact check. That's a good fact check.

That's it. Oh, journalists, that you wanted to fucking believe in something. That's a good story you wrote. Bro, I know people who have been on ranches when they've found dinosaur bones. That's a big fucking dog. Why is the rancher Irish? This dude in Montana. This dude in Montana, they found... Dinosaur hoax.

Hoax. Look at this. The dinosaur hoax. Dude, that's a horse. Dinosaur hoax. Apparently, there was some hoaxing going on by people that were claiming to have found dinosaur bones, but the hoax is not that dinosaur bones are real. Because there's a bunch of shysters throughout history.

There's always been some. You said all dinosaur bones are replicas from China. I love it. I love it. I love it. Do you know birds are fake? I believe it. Do you know birds are fake?

Do you know the new one? No. Helen Keller wasn't deaf or mute. Oh, wow. She was just playing dumb. She was just playing dumb. I guess so. That's the new one.

Helen Keller is the lie So is Anne Frank Anne Frank? No, they don't do that Oh, there's gotta be someone out there That's an Anne Frank non-believer There's gotta be Let's be frank

There's gotta be an Anne Frank There's gotta be Jewish propaganda Anne Frank is not real There's gotta be, gotta be Is Keller really? Oh, it's a TikTok thing Troubling TikTok conspiracy theory Questions whether Keller was real.

She lived a long life. Whether she was real. She's hotter than most hookers I've fucked. Oh, what? And smarter. Wait, Helen Keller was alive in 54? Wow. Helen Keller didn't hear Elvis?

So this is just some wild TikTok shit? Is that what this is? Yeah. She's a terrorist. What? It says she's a terrorist. Helen Keller is the Nazi guy. She's a terrorist.

Helen Keller was the blind and deaf person who was fake. Who? These are the comments that were on the video. These are the comments? Here's the real thing about Helen Keller. She thought retarded people should be put down. That's not even fake. Yeah. Wait, really? How do we even Keller, she thought retarded people should be put down. That's not even fake. Yeah.

Wait, really? How do we even know that she thought that? That's bullshit. She thought retarded people were like an abomination should be put down. But imagine if Helen Keller's caretaker was someone like you. Who gets into people's emails and sends fake emails. Helen Keller would have said that. Her fucking asshole caretaker went into her fucking email.

Caretaker's like, you guys are heaping all this praise on her, but let me tell you what she thinks about people with Down syndrome. She's actually a Nazi terrorist. Then you drugged her and killed Kobe. She's that Nazi terrorist guy. She's a Nazi terrorist guy. I'm like, what is the fucking- She's literally deaf and dumb.

Literally, what is the fucking- He's going again. Oh! Now this one's funnier. Hey, we're back. We go back, my God. Bong and beaters. That one's funny.

That one sounded like you stepped on a frog. Yeah. It just... Just... I should have toadstool. Hey! Toadstool. That's pretty good.

Hey. Guys, I got a good story for you. Yay! That's what I said. We got a story. It's very funny. So I was at Notre Dame Navy this last week in Dublin. You a hunchback?

Yeah. I am a fucking hunchback. That's why it worked. You just got back from England? From Ireland? Yeah. Wow. And anyway, the first night we're down there, we did a show Thursday.

I brought my father, which was very funny. So this guy comes down. Phil're down there. We did a show Thursday. Then we're down there. I brought my father, which was very funny, to see. All right. So this guy comes down. Phil's down there. We go to this bar with Brady Quinn. He's one of the Notre Dame all-time legends. J-Mo knows him.

I know him. J-Mo. You know Brady Quinn. He's Dublin, Ohio, boy. Columbus, Ohio. Yeah, let's go. Hell yeah. Buckeye. We're at this bar.

We're drinking after the show. This fucking Irish kid shows up. He is Conor McGregor, skin tight pants Fucking buttoned down No offense to him Coked out of his mind You've never seen someone this high In your life

So he swipes, we're sitting there drinking He swipes all the beers off the corner of the bar Reaches over Brady Quinn's shoulder To and to me, he's like, big fucking fan, man. And I was like, oh, thanks, man. And Brady Quinn just gave one of these like fucking, who the fuck's this guy? He's like, damn, this guy's crazy. Yeah. And when he did that, he bumped him a little.

And the guy immediately was like, you don't fucking bump anyone. He started fucking doing his whole UFC thing. So he sp spazzing. We all have to break it up. We have to break up this fight for 20 fucking minutes. Jesus. I turn around. My father is back there going...

His fist is ready to go. I turn around. He's ready to go. Phil's ready to go. What the fuck are you going to do? All right, Phil. Phil tried to fight him, too. Hell yeah.

If Phil would have died defending Brady Quinn in Dublin, Vikings death. That is how my dad should go. Totally. I mean, that's legend. Anyway, so we break this fight up. The guy's a fan. He's like, let's do a fucking Jager bomb.

Let's take it easy, man. I was like, all right, I'll do a Jager bomb. We get shit-faced. This guy's on a coke rant for like 15 minutes of just straight like, ah, fucking nah, nah. But he's a- That's Brady Quinn, so you can get- Damn, Brady Quinn rule. He's a hunk.

He's the man. He's a handsome dude. This guy's full UFC. He's genuinely an MMA guy. Oh, really? He trains with McGregor. Yeah. Oh, really?

Allegedly. Allegedly. He was on cocaine. He might have been fabricating. Sure. It's Patty Pimble. But you know how these guys go. He just shadow boxes the whole time.

You're talking to him and he's like, hey, fucking body shot, body shot, liver, liver, banging straight to your fucking face. This guy sounds like a nightmare. Jesus Christ. He was hell. Yeah. And you can't move. You can't flinch to the body because then you'll literally get punched in the fucking

face. Yeah, yeah. And then we're like, oh, we're going to get killed. And he's like, ah, you're a fucking Nate Diaz guy, aren't you? Uh-oh. And I was like, no way that's what this is about. This guy's going to beat my ass in Dublin for being a Nate Diaz guy. Right.

Anyway, the whole night, the guy leaves, everything's okay. The next night, get done with the shows. Brady's in the green room. We're all hanging out. We're having a good time. And that fucking Irish guy just walks straight into the green room. We're all hanging out. We're having a good time. That fucking Irish guy just walks straight into the green room. What? Of the theater?

Yeah. What? And Brady Quinn looks at me like, why would you invite this guy? I was like, dude, I did not invite this fucking guy. He walks in. He's like, ah, you're fucking crazy. I was like, dude, this is the whole time. He's just he's still shadowboxing, still bothering everybody in a good way, though. At this like, dude, this is... The whole time, he's still shadowboxing,

still bothering everybody, in a good way, though. At this point, it's fun. He's bothering everybody. We start walking. We start going to a bar. He's like, I would go to this fucking bar. I'm like, dude, all the bars in Dublin close at midnight. He's like, nah, this is Dublin.

This isn't fucking gay New York. The bars stay open. Every bar we go to is closed. Dude, Dublin sucks. New York rules. He's like, you know what we don't have in Dublin? Fucking pronouns. The next three people that walk by us are gay interracial couples holding hands.

I was like, Dublin's gay. We finally get to a bar. This guy, by the whole time, all he's been doing is trying to fight everybody. We get to a bar. This guy, by the whole time, all he's been doing is trying to fight everybody. We get to a bar. We start to get to this bar, and he kind of is like, let's go to that bar. You're a fucking legend at that bar. Let's go to that one, not this one. I'm like, we're going to this one.

So we go into the bar. As soon as we start walking in, a bouncer, just a bald, fat bouncer walks out and is like, you. Just beats the shit out of the Irish guy what this whole time he's been like ah fucking knock out anybody no problem he must have had a problem he knew him

the whole time he was like let's go to another bar the second we get to this bar five bouncers swarm and start wailing that's the one he didn't want you to go to another bar. The second we get to this bar, five bouncers swarm and start wailing. That's the one he didn't want you to go to. He's like, no, no, we're good here. Now, this is how cool this fucking guy was. He gets his ass beat. He's bloody.

He's split open. He gets out of all five of them, runs down the alley, and then turns and looks at all of them and goes. He squares up and runs off again. It was like, damn, that guy ruled. Jesus, he probably does that every weekend. It's a hell of a drug. Anyway, that was the best guy I've ever met in my life. That was in Dublin.

That's hilarious. It was in Dublin. He's like, I fucking run Dublin, man. We fucking have some fucking dudes. You do Vicar Street? Yeah, that's what I'm doing. Vicar Street fucking rules. Great venue.

The Irish crowd is like, they're dickheads. They yell out the whole time. They're having a good time, though. They're fucking funny. They're funny people. The whole country's funny. I had my beer on a fucking speaker, and it fell off, and they go nuts. Yeah, you got nuts.

Oh, oh, God, no! All you have to do is hit a fucking up the rah. Anytime they're giving you an applause break, go up the rah. What's that mean? Up the IRA. Oh. Oh. Yeah. Got it.

Wow. You're getting political in another country? Yeah. Up the raw in Dublin's fun. Wow. Up the raw. He's an IRS. Dude, we went to Belfast.

Anyway, shout out, Danny. You're the fucking man. We went to Belfast, Northern Ireland, for the UFC once. I wouldn't do it there. And they had these cars that are covered in steel plates. No way. For bombs. Is that the cocktail?

I don't know. I don't know what they were doing, like what kind of bombs they were using. But I know that they had armor-plated cars. It was wild to see. It was wild to see. We saw more than one of them. It just shows that anybody will fight anybody, any difference. It's not racial or anything.

It's just like, oh, you're a Protestant, I'm Catholic, we'll kill you. Well, that was more British than... Oh. That was British still. Unite the island. School him, please. Yeah, that was the British. I thought the Irish hated the Irish. No, no, no. Northern Ireland is still not Ireland.

Oh, really? Yeah. Still not, yeah. Yikes. It's Dublin. Dublin is. Belfast is still UK. Yeah, Dublin's Ireland. Oh, really? Yeah. Still not, yeah. Yikes. It's Dublin. Dublin is. Belfast is still UK. Yeah, Dublin's Ireland. Remember the door guy's joke about Ireland? It was like, country worth only white Christian Catholics and white Christian Protestants. Racism will find a way.

That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Nah, it's the British. It's like the hoot-toods and the tootsies. Yeah. It's like, we'll find a way to fight. Human beings are always going to find something. Republicans and Democrats.

It goes on and on. Non-binary and regular gays. There you go. There's a lot of that going on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not one of us. You're not like us. Yeah.

A lot of the gay people are like, stop. Turfs are like, we're fabulous. We're the number one. Like, no, you can't be above us. You're not one of us. You're not like us. Yeah, a lot of the gay people are like, stop. We're feminists. We're the number one. No, you can't be above us. We're number one. Right. And trans women and real women

are fighting or biological women. Whoops. It's a weird time, kids. It's a weird time. Yeah, but it's kind of fun. Alt comics and fucking regular

real comics are going at it. Yeah. Yeah. The alt comics are dying. They're last. There's no more alt comics. It's it. Yeah. All comics are dying. There's no more all comics. It's not even that. They're done. From the grave.

Their whole thing was they made fun of doing stand-up. You can just do it. Why don't you try to do it? Just try to do it. It's kind of cowardly. That whole thing of delivering a joke dumb on purpose. Can you believe this thing of delivering a joke dumb on purpose. Can you believe this thing I'm writing and saying?

Yeah, how about you stand behind it, you queef? Queef. It's too hard. It's too hard, and I have too much plastic in my system. Stand-up's too cringe. They do have small things. They do have small things. It's proven.

All comics have tiny dicks. Plastic, and why isn't everyone masked shit I'm an old comic put your mask back on everyone dude how funny is it all the writers now and the actors are like oh there's a strike let me go back to stand up and it's like bitch you've taken 15 years off

welcome back to the gutter you're not this anymore welcome to hell oh it's 18 people on a Tuesday fucking enjoy You're not this anymore. Welcome to hell. Oh, it's 18 people on a Tuesday. Fucking enjoy. Yeah, we've been here the whole time. Yeah, and this is what you have to do, stupid.

Yeah, best job in the world. It's the greatest. There's nothing even second best. Yeah, you see that Norm clip. You're like, I want to be that guy. Well, it's just the most fun thing to do. Because everybody's having fun. You're having fun. They're having fun.

We're all having fun together doing shows. It's fun. Imagine just being an actor and be like, oh, I think this, but I can't say it. Yeah, let me try to find a role that kind of aligns with my views. Yeah. And also whatever, also Marvel. It feels like a lot of them are starting to crack a little. Yeah, they're starting to crack.

Like, go bad and, like, crack. Like, they're in the wrong environment. Meanwhile, going bad is just like, I'm a Republican. People are like, oh, my God, this guy's crazy. Yeah, I know, right? The goalposts keep moving. They do. Didn't Jennifer Lawrence just do a speech?

Did you see that? Where she said, like, hey, we've got to chill out. This is getting out of hand. Damn, she's so hot. She's so hot. That basically makes her a Nazi. That's so hot. God damn, hot. That basically makes her a Nazi. That's so hot. Damn, Jennifer Lawrence would be the hottest Nazi.

Can we just chill out? It's like, get out of here. She would be my sweet. James Franco could be Hitler. James Franco is Hitler? They would have won. Messed up. Messed up James Franco.

Who's playing Stalin? I'd like to see a little Mel Gibbs in Stalin, actually. Yeah, he's halfway there. With a beard. Gibbs Stalin with a beard. He could pull it off. Yeah, beard. He could pull it off. Yeah, sure. He could pull it off.

Oh, yeah. Come on, bro. Who'd be gay as Churchill? Fuck him. Oh, yeah. Eva Braun was kind of hot. Not kind of, dude. That's a good pick, dude.

She looks like a number one guy in the country. You want that. That is a Photoshop filter. She's got a filter on. She had filters way back then. Eva Braun was fucking me, dude. Yeah, the one just to the right of that. the one all the way on the right of that. That's the one above that, Jamie?

The black and yellow one? No, no. To the right of that one. To the right of that one, Jamie. It's like a luncheon. Right, right, right. Jamie, you're right. All the way right.

Right, right. The next one. The next one, Jamie. That one. That's a weirdo. Yeah, you already had it up. She's partially elf. That's when she knew she was going to die. Her dad was a bench. That's like president years. That's bunker weirdo Yeah you already had it up She's partially elf That's when she knew She was gonna die

Her dad was a bench That's like That's like president years That's bunker time Yeah Dude she fucked The number one guy That one where he's pissed

That's pretty funny Like the end of World War 2 years Has gotta be like President years times 100 Look how scared she is Ew He just heard bad news Yeah she's literally

Dating Hitler I just liked I just liked his art And in the beginning The parents are probably proud Yeah Oh leader Yeah, she's literally dating Hitler. I just liked his art. And in the beginning, the parents are probably proud. Yeah, oh, a leader. Oh, you're dating the leader. Does he have his own sword?

Very good. It is weird that they have to have small talk at dinner. Like, oh, cold out. Hopefully he will make good decisions for our country. Did you feed the dog? Average, dude. Hitler sucked dick. So how was exterminating this fucking dick? Hot take.

He's running trains. Hitler sucks, dude. Hitler sucks. Hitler does suck ass. I like how you just take a strong stance. It's really important that you not just be funny, but also take a strong stance. Look into Hitler. You're going to find out how big of a fucking tool that guy was.

He sucked. He only ate vegetables and he farted all the time. He was a fucking dork, dude. He got what he had coming. Another run with farting. And he's a painter. Yeah, that's about as fucking lame as it gets in our society. Those dudes kill a lot of people like painting.

They do. Bush really enjoys painting. Oh, yeah. Jim Carrey. Yeah, Johnny Depp. Jim Carrey. Jim Carrey. That's the drip, though.

Hitler looks cool as shit there. That's a pretty bad outfit. That's a not bad outfit at all. That's pretty fucking cool. That was before the shit hit the fan. I would love a suit like that. Right now, he's just starting to use liquid cocaine intravenously. Oh, yeah.

He's just starting to plot his future. He was like, some of these Jews are good tailors. One ball. One nut. He only had one? Yeah. No way. Kickboxing? Like Duncan. One ball. One nut. He only had one? Yeah. No way. Kickboxing?

Like Duncan. Same birthday. No. Hitler and Duncan. One nut, one nut. Bro. Two nuts. Imagine if Duncan

is what Hitler would have been with the right parents and the right other parents. The real problem is determinism. It's like, where he was born and what time.

What happened to him at a young age. If Hitler got way into Burning Man, it's done. He really did have only one testicle, German researcher claims. But that's what I would say, too, once he's dead. And he only had one nut, that piece of shit. It was a one nut wonder. If Duncan went through World War I, maybe he'd be a little different. He had an undescended right testicle, it said.

Undescended? Perfect. It's evolution. Ideally, you'd have both of them in there to protect you from nut shots. Wow. It would protect you. But you'd overheat. Bring Mein Kampf into school.

So it would fuck me a strap. Someone slapped you on the, ah, my knuckle. It's about the sperm count. What is that? The Daily Storm? What the hell was that? Wow. Bring Mein Kampf back into school.

We need it. The shack. That's what the article said. I don't think that. This always surfs. Soundbite. You know, one of the things they found out with monkeys is that the size of their testicles is directly attributable to how many promiscuous females are in the area.

No. Interesting. It grows bigger? They got more jizz. Damn. Wow. They're just around? Some dick.

That sucks. I got huge balls. That means my sisters are disgusting. No, I got huge balls That means my sister's right I think that's chimpanzees Hitler himself believed to have two forms of What happened? Penile condition Two forms of genital abnormality

An undescended testicle And a rare condition called penile Hypos Badeus In which the urethra opens up And the underside of the penis Oh, yeah, he could come out of his ball sack Wow

What a guy's my favorite thing he sucked his own dick while he nutted If the shit on for me get hard You shit in his mouth Wow, what a weirdo the shit on for him to get hard. That's what he taught us. He shit in his mouth while he's sucking his own dick. Wow, what a weirdo. Epstein weird dick, Harvey weird dick. I'm seeing a pattern here of really brilliant men. You're Columbo.

The worst thing, though, for real. It's like Hitler was bad enough, dude. We don't have to make up lies about his dick later. Yeah, let's keep making up lies. I like it. Here's something else. He was a fucking mid lies. I like it. Here's how I met him. He was a fucking midget. I like that he killed that fucking mustache. Yeah.

He killed that thing. And he killed Adolf. The name Adolf is gone. No, Adolf is still around. Adolf is still around. Adolf is still around. There's a lot of white power strongholds. Oh, really?

Worst thing he's ever done. Yeah, some Adolfs are out there. Some Adolfs are there. Yeah. It's a pretty funny fucking name. But that mustache is are there. Yeah. It's a pretty funny fucking name. But that mustache is a wrap. Yeah. That's a wrap for that stache.

You're pretty close. And the other guy, Charlie Chaplin, had the best chance of keeping it going. I know. Charlie Chaplin. But he was like, Adolph was too strong. Yeah. But people forgot about Charlie because of the mustache, I think. 2010 article.

New Jersey couple loses custody of son named Adolf Hitler Wait wait wait Article by Barbara Goldberg Adolf Hitler, Kimmel, Barbara Of course Goldberg has a problem with this Jocelyn Aryan Nation, Kimmel Oh my god These people are wild

These people are wild These people are the thing The thing you imagine, like no one's really good point. Oh, these people are wild. These people are the thing. The thing you imagine, like no one's really like that, that's actually these people. Those are real nuts. They're obviously not smart. Also, test positive for meth right now. Yeah.

If they're not in jail and you can grab them and fucking get a sample, 100% they're methed out. Their kids' rooms are decorated with posters with no frames. People will... Oh, I'm not wrong. Unusual decorative features, including skulls and knives. Ari! Wow. Jesus Christ. Children were strapped to their booster seats for unusually long periods of time amid ongoing domestic violence.

Oh, just hit the kid while he's strapped in. Sammy, you stay in here for a minute. Me and my dad got to be on each other for a little bit. Don't forget Hitler. Don't forget our son, Adolf Hitler. That's the real problem with calling everybody you disagree with a Nazi. Yeah. Because there's fucking real Nazis.

How about that? Those aren't real Nazis. Those are for real, genuinely. They're LARPers. They're retarded people. They're a nation. But they mightARPers. They're retarded people. But they might follow through. It seems they're pretty fucking committed to it. They're naming their kids after it.

You can't just assume without knowing them that they're not homicidal fucking maniacs, too. A smart Nazi wouldn't name their kid, hey, we're Nazis. I'm not saying they're smart, but they might be real. I think they're retards, but they're not going to do anything. But they lost their kid, hey, we're Nazis. I'm not saying they're smart, but they might be real. I think they're certainly real. But real Nazis. But they lost their kid. The government was instantly everybody in the community was like, uh, no. Yeah.

You're obviously a bad parent if you're even trying that. Right. This isn't going to be the best thing for your kid. It's also the strapping the kids to the booster seats while they beat the fuck out of each other. Oh, yeah. That's a bigger problem than the words. And they didn't take the booster.

Yeah, they've got mental disabilities. How come everyone's like, trans is mentally problematic, but Nazis are like, no, they've made a decision. But who supports that? Who says Nazis made a decision? Only retards. Interesting point. Nobody says that. Interesting point, Jewish man. Yeah, nobody says that. Interesting point, Jewish man.

Yeah, nobody says that. Those are just retards. Nobody's pro-Nazi. Those are obviously retards. Not a Nazi. That's just Kanye mentally suffering. You're either a Nazi or you're anti-Nazi. Nobody's pro-Nazi that's not a Nazi.

For real, if you're a dude today with holding up a swastika on the side of a highway. Yeah, people pull up. You just drive by and go, that's... Get him in a home. Get him in the Special of a highway. You just drive by and go, get him in a home. Get him in the Special Olympics, dude. Or some people will pull over and beat the fuck out of you. That's just the guy with Tourette's who has the N-word instead of dumb guy.

To beat their ass. You have to be really awesome and stupid. They could be really handicapped. That's what they are to do that. Some of them are stolen valor people. all just like homeless people like i don't know i found a great a green shirt well that's how they ended the uh the salem witch trials how because uh these two women just kept calling out everybody like they're witches they're witches and eventually they were

they're witches and the people just kept walking women ruin everything even ruin the salem witch even the greatest moment of our history. That was pretty sick, dude. You got to ignore it. Imagine how nice that'd be to fuck a chick and be like, nah, fucking kill her. Yeah. I don't want that secret getting out. Burn that lady.

Jesus Christ. Burn that shit. Oh, jeez. Dude, that girl blew me so well. She's a witch. You know what the cause of that stuff was, right? What? Yeah.

The fucking grain. Ergot. Yeah? What? Yeah, the fucking grain. Ergot. Yeah. What? Yeah. What does that mean? There's an early frost. There was an early frost, and sometimes when they have an early frost,

they'll have high concentrations of ergot, which is a psychedelic chemical. So these people were essentially eating tainted grain, tainted beers. Their stuff had ergot poisoning. And ergot poisoning can kill you, but it can also make you trip balls. So it's very similar, apparently, to LSD. So these people were drinking beer and eating bread. And getting fucked up and taking some soup, and then your wife flies out the window.

Exactly. You're like, what the fuck? And you don't know what's going on. You think witches are real. Yes, I love it. Can we replace the stone ape theory that we've heard for 20 years with this new fur got this? It's the same exact. Well, it's it's real similar because this is like, you know when I was in Greece recently I told you about this right you went to a couple different. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we went to

Acropolis yeah, and the side of the Eleusinian Mysteries. That was the wildest one. That's where they were doing these psychedelics. And this is what Brian Murorescu's book, The Immortality Key, is about. So we go to this place where they invented democracy. They invented everything. And they did it most likely while they were tripping balls. It's just very funny to admit or invent democracy.

Look, maybe everybody in this room should decide what we do. Maybe we can have a fucking system where everyone gets an equal say. What if there's five of us here? One. Fifth. Well, how does that exist without tripping balls? Yeah, without tripping balls. Like, wait, but I own land.

I know, I know, I know. Good job for that. But yeah, I could kick you guys. We're like, all right, I guess you decide. That's how it was done forever until these guys started tripping balls. And no one who's not tripping balls is going to come up with a system like that. And that's our number one problem with politicians today is no one trips balls. No one trips.

None of these people are trippers. No one trips. None of these people are trippers, so none of these people have this idea. Biden trips. He trips a lot. He's small. He's like a stumble in a face plant. Joe, you should get every presidential candidate in here and trip fucking balls.

Oh, that would be big. Lock the doors. Who would you like to do mushrooms with the most? Well, Trump would be interesting. I don't want to wash anybody. Yeah, but if you were going to do mushrooms, like do a breakthrough dose, a giant dose with one president. Oh, shit. Who would it be?

Lincoln. Lincoln? Yeah, but alive, like someone who exists right now. Like you could actually make it happen. I'd like to talk to Bill about what he did. Yeah, Bill would be good. Bill would be cool. He might hit you with some knowledge. I would do Obama.

Because I think W, you'd cry. Yeah. Both of you would cry. W would break down and go, holy shit, I killed a million people. He would see the bodies. 100%. If you tripped, they would be marching to a Pink Floyd song. We don't need no education.

Mushrooms will take you on. If you've got some secret like that in the back of your head, you are just trying to paint fucking pictures of a dog, and meanwhile your administration was responsible for how many unnecessary deaths? How many? What's the number? Get Obama. You know, haunting that shit Must be

Haunting Should've just been With the Rangers If you're Obama And you go like Hey man So when you had this Like plan going in

And then like What do you do going out Did that like Bug you at all? And are you gay? But yeah He'd be like Yeah man

Yeah I had to Shut up a lot of shit I think they say I don't think he was That good of a guy That's part of being Presence I think he was in on it from

day one, brother. He was like, I'll do whatever. Hated gay marriage. Most drone strikes, let's go. I think he's a very smart guy, and I think the only way to be successful as a president is you have to run that game the way everybody runs that game. It's like, it ain't about who dies overseas. You try bucking the trend, you get the Trump treatment, so

get that old Trump treatment. It's all so crooked for sure that's part of the beauty of this all yeah what did you say about my president

Bob Dylan's thinking about the same shit that's happening now oh I blocked that that's true there's like there's crooked and there's like

legal crooked right exactly there's a lot of legal crooked yeah yeah yeah but they're like we can't there's incriminating crime

we can't prosecute loopholes there's a lot of legal crooked we sackless. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they're like, we can't. There's an incriminating crime. We can't prosecute him. There's a lot of legal crooked. We're all aware. Like Congress fucking insider trading. Yeah. It's legal crooked.

You can't charge them for it because it's not illegal. But Jesus Christ, what are you doing? And they're the ones controlling whether it's illegal. Yes. Oh, fuck. Yeah, so Brian Stock, when they know that they're going to pass decisions, it's all crazy. Policies all over it. I don't get why anybody votes.

It's a fucking crooked system you're entering into. They put... Why even bother? Lesser of two evils, I guess. It's all people that are giving you. They're both fucked. It's like, just do your life. Get a new system.

I don't want Trump to win just because I don't want to talk about Trump for the next four years. That's what Jay said. He likes Biden better because I don't have to talk about it as much. I don't want to talk about politics. That's a good point. Bro, they put Martha Stewart in jail for what? What did she do? Insider. What did she do?

She knew about something and she goes, I'm investing anyway. What I said when you signed your Spotify deal. After you signed your Spotify deal, on every podcast I was like, yeah, he told me he was going to sign it. So I invested, dude, like most of my money in it. People are like, that's what I'm saying. If you think I even know who to call to invest, you're crazy.

That's hilarious. But that's what's great about America. Obama, two terms. He has a Spotify podcast. Canceled. Canceled. Hey, this is a good question. Would it have been insider trading if I bought Spotify stock?

Yes. Me? Of course. Really? That's Pete Rose shit. Because you have an idea why I would. Yeah, for sure. It seems cocky.

One of the founders of the company, Dr. Samuel Waxall, was arrested for advising friends and family members to sell the stock the other way before the FDA made the announcement and the stock price dropped in price. Yeah, but wait, hold on. Why would it be weird for you or illegal for you to say, oh, I'm about to join this company. Yeah. Let me buy a bunch.

I'm betting on myself. It's not a guarantee the stock will go up. That's just insider knowledge. Right. It could have gone down. Yeah, it could have been like, fuck that, dude. I'm not using Spotify anymore. It's obvious in retrospect,

but by the time there was no guarantee that would go up. No. True. And no one expected it to do better. It did. It did better than it did on the other platforms. Yeah, people were like, hey, that's a bad idea. A lot of people were like, this is a bad idea.

It ended up being way better, but it wasn't a guaranteed thing. So why would it be illegal for you to go, I'm going to invest a bunch of my money in this company? I bet it's super slippery. I didn't. money in this company? I bet it's super slippery. I didn't. Oh, yeah. But I bet it's super slippery. Yeah. Well, I made over $7.2 million investing in that.

Pelosi. Pelosi cleaning up. Appreciate it. I stay away from all that stuff. I do, too. And when people ask me to invest in things, I'm like, uh-uh. No. You don't even have to do anything.

Like, oh, but I do, because then I'd have to think about it. You'd have to think about it. Yeah, just deal with it. Just deal it. Just the only not interested in thinking about anything other than the things I enjoy right So I don't want I don't like any sort of structure Yeah, or you just constantly thinking about you just want a better joke crypto seems like a lot of during investigations of I'm Clone authorities discovered that Martha Stewart had sold 4,000 shares of ImClone stock she owned the day before the FDA decision was announced, avoiding a loss of around $45,000. Why don't you just charge her $45,000, you fucking cunts? Yeah, there you go. Why you got to put her in jail, you fucking assholes?

And meanwhile, how much money did fucking Congress make insider trading and you put poor old Martha Stewart away for 45 grand? We're talking double standards? Bro, we're talking insider trade. We're talking crooked legal shit. We're done for. She went to jail, but now she's back and doing shit with Snoop Dogg. She ended up having to pay $195,000

as a penalty. Wow. For 45 grand. What a badass. She took it like a man. Just went and did her time. 45 grand? But really, if it's only 45 grand, you're really supposed to just take that hit on the stock market. Right. There's some weird shit like that. Yeah.

45 grand to Martha Scrooge, that's a wealthy lady. I'm sure she doesn't give a fuck about the 45 grand. That means literally nothing to her. She's fine. So maybe was it her call? It had to be her call. Yeah, well this is why somebody went in with a hammer her. She's fine. So maybe it had to be her call. Yeah, well, this is why somebody went in with a hammer at a Pelosi's house. True. No, no, no.

That guy was insane. That was just a crack idea. That dude's an insane guy. Did you ever watch the video? I did. It was wild. It was pretty scary. Very scary.

Yeah, ball peen hammer. I thought it was a gay hooker at first. So did I, because Paul's gay. But Paul. Oh, that's the fucking 4chan influence. Paul held his own pretty. He was like, no, everything's good, fellas. Yeah, but he kept his drink.

That's where he fucked up. He got to go two hands on the hammer. Sense resistance, two hands on the hammer. But that's a real alcoholic. No, he was just trying to like, hey, everything's good. Don't, nobody spaz. Right. Everybody relax.

That guy's eyes looked crazy. The guy with the hammer? That guy looked crazy. Yeah. You got to go two hands on the hammer. If that guy hits you in the head with a hammer. Paul's got no shot there. He's old as shit.

Yeah, but that guy wasn't in any good shape. It was a tactical mistake. But he was hopped up. Two hands on the hammer, even if it's someone who's weaker than you like look at that big dog look at that guy he's just struggling with immediately the cops jump in and separate it just like grab it with both hands the cops were like yeah what the what's his other hand on a drink cocktail damn that guy fucking rules imagine being lit out of your fucking mind and just enjoying a Netflix show. Yeah. Just laughing. You know what?

I'm going to have a Padron tonight. What a nut. And dude, he was snoring hard when he got hit. Oh, yeah. Oh, he's gone forever. How many guys have seen people get knocked out and snore? It's a weird sound. Scary.

Scary. And to see it from a guy that old is really scary. Yeah. Because that's an old man that got hit in the head with a fucking hammer. Oh, he's never been the same. He'll never be. I mean, I haven't seen him since. I don't know.

I mean, maybe he's okay. I saw my mom get knocked out like that. What? What? Jesus. She was snoring, and I was like, oh, shit, she's dead. What happened? She fell down the steps.

Holy shit. Drinking? Oh, my gosh. Yeah, a couple cocktails. Hey, what happened? Oh, my gosh. Thanksgiving will get you. How many times have you seen people fall and face plant on Instagram?

Dude, from the top of the steps fell. There's a wall at the foot of the steps, and her head hit the wall. Oh, my God. Who are you? Do you push her? Thank you, leader. No, no. And she was eating some Oreos and drinking some red wine. That'll do it.

So her mouth was purple. Andos and drinking some red wine. That'll do it. So her mouth was purple. And me and my sister were there. And my sister looked at me and was like, you got to give her mouth to mouth. And I was like, you got to give her mouth to mouth. There was just one moment where I looked at her mouth and she was like. That's a lot of Oreo crumbs. I was like, for real, somebody else is doing that. I was like, my mother's life, I thought for real, I thought she was dying, and I was still like, no way.

No chance of doing that. Wow. I'll tell you, speaking of not, I made a lot of money on O'Malley. Oh, yeah. Hell yeah. What the fuck does that have to do with my mom? Jesus Christ, what does that have to do with his mom? What's O'Malley?

Who the fuck's O'Malley? I feel weird making fun of her. No, it's funny. She's all right. Okay. She's cool now. She's good. She's going to be mad about me saying this on this podcast.

We had a fun night. Yeah. Oh, you want to know the funniest part? So we called an ambulance. Yeah. Because we were like, oh, shit, mom's dead. I was the only one keeping my composure. My dad was upstairs.

He didn't see it. So my sister was like, mom's dead. And he was one keeping my composure my dad was upstairs he didn't see it so my sister was like mom's dead and he was like oh no it was kind of sad to hear my father like that horse you know what I mean that like yeah and uh he called an ambulance the ambulance came and she was she had already woken up by then and everyone was like surrounding her with like you all right and she's like yeah I'm fine my fucking hand hand hurts, though. Her hand was shattered. Oh, God. In the fall, it was like.

She's like, I'm just really embarrassed you guys are here, but my hand hurts. I was like, oh. Even the EMT was like, Jesus Christ. That's her Oreo-eating hand. Wow. Yeah, she was going for an Oreo and fell down the steps. She got that Oreo, though. She did get that Oreo.

Hell yeah. Shout out Barb. Yep. Did you guys see Rose Nama Yunus' broken finger from her last fight? No. You see that guy's leg fucking go? Yeah, I did see that guy's leg go. That might be the worst one.

Two different guys' legs go this week. Pull it up, J-Mo. One Russian guy and one other guy. Hey. His MMA debut. Wow. Oh, no. His debut.

It's a freak accident. A freak accident. His leg got destroyed. Really? It got destroyed. Yeah. Debut! It's a freak accident. A freak accident. His leg got destroyed. Really? Yeah. It just fell backwards. Oh, I can't watch this. You're not using your soul to come out. You showed me on the plane. It's cute. It's horrible. I don't want to watch it.

It was worse than the still. His leg exploded. No, don't show it, Jamie. Oh, god damn it. I can't. Come on, Jamie. This is rude. Jamie, show them the Louisville basketball player's femur. During the tak, Jamie. Oh, God damn it. I can't. Come on, Jamie. This is rude. Jamie, show them the Louisville basketball players. During the takedown. It went under him. It just blew apart.

There it is. It blew apart. Hey, you know what everybody sleeps on now? What? Joe Theismann. The original of this. Shout out Notre Dame. Shout out Notre Dame.

Shout out Notre Dame. That's right. That's right. That was the original one of these. Yeah. He's this. That's right. That's the original one of these. Yeah. This is the first real leg break in the wrong place. Lawrence Taylor, shout out.

Flea flicker action. No, no. You got to show the close up. Flea flicker. That's funny. Lawrence Taylor called in fucking an airlift. Oh, here we go. Oh!

Oh! Shout out Jamie Freezeframe. Oh, my God. God almighty. Oh, that snapped. You know what's funny? You didn't pronounce his name like Theismann. Yeah. And they changed it at Notre Dame so he could win the Heisman.

Yeah. He was Theismann. Yeah. Joe Theismann. Oh, my God. That's so separate. And then he didn't win the Heisman. Yeah, he was Yeah, oh my god. I didn't win the Heisman Come back from that and how long did it is done for is it there's any come back at all No, he was just like he walks now What's that famous UFC fighter other than Anderson Silva's had multiple fights?

No UFC fighter other than Anderson Silva has had multiple fights with having that surgery and been successful. And Anderson wasn't really even. How was Conor? One fight after that. Conor will be all right, right? We don't know. We don't know until he fights. Like Chris Weidman, there was a lot of hope for Chris Weidman, but he looked like he was having troubles. It's hard to say.

It's hard to say how much of it was Brad Tavares, who's a bad motherfucker. Damn, that's a hunk. 85, Theismann suffered a compound fracture of the tibia and the fibula in his right leg when he was sacked by Lyme. Career-ending injury. So that's it. That was it. Ouch.

What's he doing now? Shout out to WTEM. I think it's still going well. I think it's a real hard one to break and come back from. Tyrone Spong broke it in a kickboxing match against Gokhan Saki. It's another rough one. I bet you still sort of feel it every time you plant. You're joking, right?

You don't know shit about it. Yeah, yeah. Okay. That's a great one. I'm saying Gokhan Saki. That's the one where he kicks him, right? Yeah, he kicks him and his leg's snapped in half. That's a famous one.

And he's come back and he's done some boxing. I think he did one MMA fight, but I don't know how many kicks he threw. He got taken down a bunch. There's also an NBA one that's pretty wild. Shotgun beer. It's just, I think that leg bone down there is just real vulnerable, man. And when they put it back together again, I don't think it's ever quite the same. Here we go.

Oh, no. Don't make me fucking keep seeing these. Oh. How does that happen? Kevin Ware, right? Oh, Jesus Christ. That's the worst one, dude. Did he ever come back?

I can't do it. He did come back. He did come back. He came back? Oh, nobody even hit him. Oh, my God. He just fell back. What a fucking loser.

That's just what's... You just want to lay down for the rest of your life. Isn Isn't that so crazy, like how weird your body's so vulnerable? A basic, like, no chance block. Normal shit. He's probably done that a hundred thousand times. Yeah. No, don't keep doing this, Jamie. Jamie, please.

Jamie, that's enough. Jamie, have some respect for humanity. Stop it, stop it. Oh my god, dude. Wow, what a loser. I cracked my little one. Not the tibia, but the fibula. I cracked that one once.

How so? I got kicked. I got kicked with a heel that dug right into that thing, and I had a hairline fracture of it. It lasted for a while, and I fought a tournament with it. I put soccer pads on it, those hard soccer pads. I put those over and taped it on. Yikes. I was at the first Anderson one.

It didn't make sense. It was horrible. The Anderson one, he didn't make sense. It was horrible. The Anderson where he wraps around like a wet sock. And you're like, what? The crazy thing is, Anderson did that, like it happened to Anderson on Chris Weidman, and then Chris Weidman did it on Uriah Hall.

It's such a rare injury. And for one guy to be involved in two of those in his whole career, it's kind of nuts. It's kind a rare injury And for one guy to be involved in two of those In his whole career It's kind of nuts It's kind of nuts The Lincoln JFK was shot in the Lincoln The Lincoln was shot at Kennedy Theater

Hold on Ford Theater I got something here Kennedy drove a Ford Kennedy drove a Ford Kennedy drove a Ford and Ford fucked Lincoln who killed

yep I thought if anybody was gonna have a real good shot at coming back it was gonna be Weidman cause it was like cause he's such an animal he's just such an animal

you know what I'm talking about if anybody figures it out it might be Weidman it wasn't his speed also it was just like Tavares is fucking good you keep going put your headphones on.

Oh, yeah, you're going to want headphones for that. They had an assistant named Kennedy, an assistant named Lincoln. There's all types of... But he was in a Lincoln when he got shot. Hold on. Both Southern Harris. They're not all accurate. Oh, some of it's bullshit?

Yeah. Ah, fuck. Of course it is. Damn it. That was back before the internet. But the CIA didn't kill Lincoln because he wouldn't go to Vietnam. Hey, what's the greatest bullshit story? What's the greatest bullshit story before the internet?

Ooh, probably the gerbil. No, we know it. The gerbil. The gerbil. Gerbil in the ass. That one's amazing. What's his name? Rod Stewart with the pint of cum.

Bon Jovi. No, that one wasn't all the same person. I liked that one, but I heard Bon Jovi had a stomach pump. Yeah, Lil' Kim. That. Because there was too much cum. Bon Jovi. No, that one wasn't all the same person. I liked that one, but I heard Bon Jovi had a stomach pump. Yeah, Lil' Kim. Because there was too much cum. Everyone knew Richard Gere in the gerbil. He must hate that. He must get that all day long. He's like, how did they find out?

I'm so glad people are still talking about me. Fame is fame. I was the number one gerbil fucker. Yeah, why don't you go fuck a gerbil? What's the primary source of that? Because I had heard that like... That was when he was a kid in middle school? Did he used to be a Scientologist?

Yeah, and when he went out, they were like, we'll expose you. Oh, that's what it is. That's one theory. But is that real? Is that like one of them... In Scientology, you got to reveal all your darkest shit. Okay, we know that, but was Richard Gere a Scientologist? Yeah, but even if he did the Buddhist movie,

and it became Buddhist, and right after that it came out. Whoa. So that's what they're saying. Interesting. So wait, do you think he actually shoved a germ up his ass? Yes. What? Or he's taking this to a whole new level.

No, according to that theory, he's like, let me tell you everything I've done. I thought they made it up to smear him because he left. No, no, no, no, no. Exposing his real shit. It'd be like if you were like, I actually did get the vaccine. Can you imagine if that's enough?

Joe Rogan got the vaccine. Joe Rogan got the vaccine. Dude, take the vaccine. Get boosters. Get boosters. Get boosters. Shout out to CIA, dude. They're giving me $50,000. If you're not getting vaccinated, it's literally like holding a loaded gun to someone's head. It really is.

And you get a free Shake Shack from de Blasio if you get a booster. Yo, what's up? What's up? Well, yeah, that was the first viral before viral. Yeah. Was the gerbil. Marilyn Manson's ribs. So was he definitely a Scientologist, Jamie?

Richard Gere? What do they got on fucking Tom Cruise then? He's a Scientologist. He's running that show over there. What does he have on them? He's running that show over there. The Will Smith? He could shut it down.

He's probably the number one reason why new people walk through the door. That's true. I want to be that fucking guy from Mission Impossible. And he looks great. I want to wear braces when I'm 50. Let's go. So many of my friends love Mission Impossible. And he looks great. I want to wear braces when I'm 50. Let's go. So many of my friends love Tom Cruise. He's a great actor.

I just don't have the love for him. Go watch Interview with the Vampire. No, I understand there's greatness before. Tropic Thunder. Come on, Sean. Tropic Thunder is hilarious. He's amazing in that. First try at comedy and he nailed it.

Nailed it. The dance, everything. Bro, he's fucking great. Don't be a hater. I'm not saying he's not great. I'm not saying he's not great risky business. Yeah, I think if he was a Catholic you'd fucking love him I mean obviously here's all nine what they need to be doing day Louis So what does it say Richard Gere's one of the most outspoken religious celebrities and religious choices Buddhism? Gear was raised in a Methodist home and studied philosophy in his short-lived college stint, but it seems religion has always interested him, but it became enraptured with Buddhism

on trips to Nepal in the late 70s. Okay, so he was never in Scientology? No, no, you've got to look up Scientology and Richard Gere. Dan, it sucks you get so hot. Are you telling Jamie how to become Buddhist? I did. First, a list comes up that says there's people that quit, and then he wasn't on the list. Okay.

This says he never officially converted. Okay, so he probably... Never officially converted. Hold on, hold on. That was not him. That's just the list. Okay. This says he never officially converted. Okay. So he probably. Never officially converted. Hold on, hold on. That was not him. That's just the type of headline. He was fucking Cindy Crawford, too. Wow.

He was king, dude. King. He was king. Didn't he fuck Madonna? Didn't he fuck Madonna? Who didn't? He also fucked a gerbil. But if he's.

I mean. The gerbil fucked him. Who has fucked a gerbil, dude? And I'm eight. That guy rules. But if he, like, dabbled in Scientology and then left, that might have been enough. They already had a shoes. They already had them.

Day one, they got you. As soon as you do the fucking clearance test. Because a lot of people dabble in it. I think Seinfeld even dabbled in it. He did. Yeah. That's all Richard Gere hamsters. That was John Travolta.

Now they get to live. Did you talk to Seinfeld about it? No. About what? He dabbled in Scientology for a while. No way. Yeah, he tried it. You know what it is?

It's like, I was watching an infomercial in like 1994 and they had that Dianetics book. I didn't even know that was Scientology. I thought it was like, oh, how to fucking improve your life. Gateway. So I order it

and bro, they never stopped sending me shit. Wow. You're Scientologist. They were sending me shit. Gateway. So I order it, and bro, they never stop sending me shit. Wow. You're Scientologist. They were sending me shit. I didn't even read it. I bought it. They just keep going.

You're a jerk dog. You're Scientologist alien. I went out and played pool. You're Tom Cruise. Yeah. They just had you. They're like, well, if you showed a moment of witness, we'll get you. They just kept sending me shit, man.

Every time I'd get the mail, it'd be like, more shit from Scientology. More invitations to conferences This is the same way I am with your dumb fucking ivermectin recommendation This whole story says that They don't stop calling you Oh! Stallone's idea, Stallone did it Supposedly, that's what Richard Gere thought for a while

Sylvester Stallone thinks that Richard Gere is still mad at him for starting that whole gerbil in that well you know story Wow my god Stallone has denied it though, but that's what That's awesome That's as far as like some research went gosh. Stallone has denied it, though, but that's as far as some research went. Stallone started it. It says, Gear believes that Sly started the ridiculous urban legend about Gear and the gerbil. Here's the deal.

Gear and Stallone were on the set of the 1974 Lords of the Flatbush, and the two actors got into a tiff over lunch one day. Something about chicken grease, Sly's thigh, and a hot dog, whereupon Stallone emboweled him. Elbowed. Oh, elbowed him. And the side of that, emboweled him. Far different.

Far different. Elbowed him on the side of the head. The tension between the two actors became so fevered that Gere got kicked off the film, which still angers him today. Apparently to this day, he seriously dislikes me, says Sly, who adds for the record that he did not start the rodent rumor. Hey, you know he shoved a fucking dribble up his butt. I just want to say, for the record, I didn't start that rumor.

He for sure started that rumor. 100% he started that rumor. I didn't start it, right? How strong was that rumor? It was the strongest one. That rumor made it to me in Boston and It made it to Eddie Bravo in LA. Me and Maryland. Only Sly could have done this.

It has to be. You have to have a high profile. He was on the Sly. God, how did we all get it? It was true. It had to be true. That's kind of that theory. If they started to rumor about you that you're gay, it wouldn't catch on.

Same thing with you. It wouldn't catch on. No chance it would catch on with me, dude. But if it's always like, oh, it caught on, it's like, because that's a gay guy. That's why it catches on. If it's like, oh, this guy did this. It doesn't catch on with me, dude. But if it's always like, oh, it caught on, it's like, because that's a gay guy. That's why it catches on. If it's like, oh, this guy did this, like, it doesn't catch on. This guy, oh, that one it sticks to. I got to be honest with you guys.

Me and Jamie kissed at the mothership last night. Nice. I made out with him at mid-season. I grabbed him by the back of his fucking hair and we kissed. The Richard Gere caught on because it's true. Jamie, you're being nasty. I don't think it caught on because it's true. I think it caught on because Sly made it up.

Sly is the main. That's what he's saying. Sly made the gerbil eat it. It's better than Rocky. Imagine how you would feel. Better than the assassin. Knowing that the body of your enemy really did fly by in the water. Mm-hmm.

Wow. He really did get him. Got him with that one. I wonder what they argued about. Who did he tell? How did he get it out? I don't know. Chicken, thigh, grease, and a hot dog?

How did he get that out? That started't know. Chicken thigh, grease, and a hot dog? How did he get that out? That started it. Was it a fucking foreign policy conversation? For real, though, if that argument was just them in a fight and then Sly went around telling everybody that he shoved a gerbil up his ass, that's genius. Yeah. That's like actually genius. That's so smart that I don't think Sylvester Stallone did it.

What an out of nowhere. Look, he's not stupid. He wrote Rocky. Obviously, he's smart. He's very smart. But he't think Sylvester Stallone did it. What an out of nowhere. Look, he's not stupid. He wrote Rocky. Obviously, he's smart. He's very smart. But he did gay porn before that. That's true. He did porn, not gay porn.

What, Rocky did it? No offense, Rocky. No offense. He did like soft core. It was like soft core. Cocky. Yay. National Enquirer gossip columnist said he never worked harder in his life trying to

confirm that story. Nothing more than an urban legend referring to not only the Richard Gere story, but gerbling as a whole. Gerbling? Gerbling? There ain't no gerbling. Like falconing? Sorry, I don't know you.

There is no gerbling? Oh, my God. I think R.F.K. Jr. is a falconist. Really? Is he really? Pull it up, J-Mo. I don't love that. How cool is falconing?

Ooh, wait. Well, the birds can be fucking cool. It's about as cool as gerbiling. There's a lawyer that... The next paragraph goes on. There's a lawyer that insists it's real. Oh, of course it's real. While it's colloquially called gerbiling, the actual name from a medical mental health point of view is

Formicophilia which involves not just gerbils, but other kinds of small critters as well This is a form of bestiality which essentially deals with things crawled on you or in you Video of a snake being pulled out of someone's body This is better than any fucking Eric Weinstein podcast. If you were a girl, wouldn't you want a snake inside of you? Oh, black and I can't get out. Trying to get out. You're like, you're not getting up, motherfucker.

No dick moves that many ways. This is what you do. You just tape that little mouth up so it's not eating your insides out. Just fucking solid secure it And Yeah Should we tape the mouth I think so It's called snaking

Let's go Freak Gerbling If I was a woman Fuck yeah Yeah If you were a woman Combat boots

In a fucking cage Full of snakes If you were a woman You'd be a menace Life side supply Of duct tape Fucking duct tape The little faces up.

Shut your fucking mouth. Mama's gonna get you a rabbit. Mama's gonna give you a rabbit after this. I'm gonna be like a 90-year-old grizzled old lady with a fucking house full of snakes. You'd be in a trailer of fucking snakes. Black Mamba.

You'd be in a trailer of fucking snakes. If you were a lady? What animal would you fuck? You could fuck any animal. No doubt, in a trailer fucking snakes. If you were a lady? What animal would you fuck? You could fuck any animal. Oh man, no doubt, Shetland pony. Oh, good one. Good one. They kick though, you gotta watch out. Jamie, toss up Shetland pony. Tell me you guys are not trying to fuck this thing. I'd fuck a mermaid.

There's no pussy on there, bro. That's animal? You call that more animal than human? That sounds so fictional with the lady. You can't pick a hot fucking lady. You're not trying to fuck that horse. That's cute. It looks like Nikki Glaser. It's too sweet. I would just hold its hand and walk it home.

You're not trying to fuck that thing. No, it's too sweet. Too sweet. She's looking at you. Please give it to me. Oh, cutie. That's so crazy. That's beautiful hair, dude.

What did we do to a fucking majestic horse? We're so gross. We took a wolf and turned it into a chihuahua. You know they were small? That's true. You know horses were small? They used to be really small? Donkey.

Like how small? Medieval time, they were closer to ponies. Look at that ass. They were riding in the battle. They were riding shallow ponies. Really? I'm going sheep all day. Whoa.

Sheep's got some giant balls. I've seen mountain goats with giant balls. Steve Rinella pointed out to me they're like church bells. Really? Giant balls. By the way, I was just fucking around about fucking those horses. You know what's crazy about horses? I'd fuck a brown bear.

All horses came from North America, but then they all got wiped out, but they had already taken them to other countries. So all the horses- Really? Yeah, they all started out in America. North America. After 1482? And then they got reintroduced by the Europeans.

That's not true. It is true. It is true. Repeat it. Yes. Horses evolved. The species of horse evolved in North America. Wait, but the Huns had... He's saying shit that's wrong. He's talking and he's incorrect. No, they were ex... they died. They went extinct in North America. But they had already gotten them across the Bering Strait, Eurasia, on boats. They had gotten horses to these other countries. Something about 1492. So horses, in a lot of places where they were using horses, horses didn't come from there.

They literally came from North America. And they came back after. Tens of thousands of years ago, we're talking about. So what does a horse come from? After Columbus came. No stupid asshole. Not after Columbus came? No.

Well, before Columbus came. Tens of thousands of years. But then they came back. Here it is. After Columbus came back, post-Columbia. The earliest recognized ancestors of the horses. Here it is. Io Pipigas Sockend... Fucking whatever that word is. Angustidens, known as the Dawn Horse, a small North American animal,

amount the size of a fox, which lives in forests and ate fruits, shoots, and leaves around 55 million years ago. How cute is that? Over the following tens of millions of years horse ancestors grew in size as grasslands expanded around 20 million years ago. So they think that they a lot of them died off you know like I think around the same time as like what was the year that they died off in North America? Around 10,000 years ago. They think it was a part of the whole Younger Dryas impact. The idea

that most of North America's wildlife, like 65% of it got wiped out around 11,000 years ago. Including saber-toothed tigers, all these woolly mammoths, everything got wiped out. I think we got hit by comets. And they think that that That's a myth

11,000 years ago Yeah 11,800 That's what they think It's called the Younger Dryas impact Not so long It's the Graham Hancock Randall Carlson shit

The end of civilization Just on the west Just on the western hemisphere No It was all over the world But the Hordes Survived other places Yeah they survived

In some places It depends on how bad They got hit You know like North America You're not comprehending a Words So the other parts the world got pounded we killed the buffalo they think it fucking

Is it? Buffaloes are still real They were just on the field That's a bison is dude When you buy bison You buy in Buffalo Yes What's the difference

Between a bison and a buff There's no difference It's the same animal Same word Male and female No No it's the same animal You sure

I don't know I think they're different Bison and buffalo Are the exact same animal They gotta be different No it's definitely the same Same exact thing Cause I've eaten

Sheep and lamb Bison meat But I've eaten A buffalo wing That's not No no Buffalo wing definitely the same exact thing because I mean she's been laying bison meat. Yeah, you mean Buffalo wing. That's not You went that far for that joke He's looking for a lifeline the whole way Fuck I had one earlier Yeah, they had fucking North American cheetahs there was North American American lions. There was lions living in North America.

I believe it. According to who, dude? According to the people that study lion bones? Anybody that's like, hey, anybody that's like, hey, 55 million years ago, I go, dude, shut the fuck up. I don't know what happened yesterday.

I'll tell you, I went on safari, and those elephants were the, we saw lions, we saw cheetah, we saw leopards. The elephants were the scariest. Why? Because they'd come right at the car. They're smart. They're smart as shit.

And they hate you. They could just end you. Oh, yeah. At any time. You could see them just pushing up against a tree and the roots were coming up. Yeah. They could just end you. And the rhinos were no joke either. I watched an elephant absolutely buttfuck a rhino. Really? Not in real life, but on the internet.

But like literal buttfuck? No, he just murdered it. Oh, his ass. Oh, really? Do you think they set those fights up? I bet they do. No. Nature's metal. It's always just showing you fucking shit. I'm not saying all of them. I'm not saying all of them, but I know they definitely did set some fights up. They used to.

Really? Yeah, they used to put like a bear and a tiger together. Yeah. And then film it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And let them both out and then film it. It's basically Roman. It's like bum fights. Do you know about Edison shocking the elephant to death?

Jamie, did we ever cover this before? That there was some place that was taken. They took a bear and a tiger and they released them together to watch them fight. That's Russia or China. Something like that. Either way it rules. Either way it rules. Either way it rules. Supposedly, that's the whole deal with all that fucking rhino tea.

It's like super elite people like to be able to drink shit that's completely forbidden. They don't even really believe it gives you problems. They're just like, no one's supposed to have this. I got some. Yeah, it's Epstein-Tyler. I got rhino tea, son. So this tiger is out. How's a tiger and a black bear?

Wait, we should play bets. Forest Safari Lodge, it says. Let me see. Is that a nice sloth boy? There's an adult tiger face off with a sloth bear. Oh, a sloth bear. This is India. This is totally reasonable.

I'm going bear. Dude, this is crazy. So they put these animals together in a cage? Oh, no, I've seen this. Sloth bear holds his own, dude. Oh, shit. That's a mom defending her cub. Oh, wow. Sloth bear fights it off, dude. Oh, shit. That's a mom defending her cub. Oh, wow.

Sloth bear fights it off. You can't fuck with the cub defending. Sloth bears are nasty, dude. They jack people. Who's that behind it? I've watched a video of a sloth bear killing a guy. It sucks. Pull it up.

Yeah. No, it's the worst. You don't want to see it. Watch that. You don't want to see that. Imagine if that was it. Sloth bears look like shit, too. Their hair is all fucked up.

They're long and lanky. They're killed by an ugly, mean bear. It just tears a guy apart. Would you feel better if you were killed by a beautiful grizzly? It's beautiful. Beautiful fur. I mean, a grizzly would at least fucking... Yeah, just go quick.

Grizzly man. No, they eat your ass first. They just start eating you, dude. They just hold you down like a sandal. One swipe, you're out. No, you're not out. They just hold you down. They eat your leg apart.

They hold you down and tear you apart. Well, if he was holding me down and tearing me apart, I would be upset about it. I would imagine you would. If he swipe knocked me out, I'd be like, sick. That's great. That's the best part. Wouldn't that be a great way to sell tickets? Just bear versus lion, the garden.

They literally did that at the Coliseum. I would go to that. We're getting close, kids. Yeah, we are. I used to say that when I was hosting Fear Factor, but we're about four years away from The Running Man. Oh, yeah. It's coming.

That's coming. Something like that's coming. I think we might have talked about it before, but how sick is it they used to... Oh, Jesus Christ. Don't go over that one. They used to fill the Coliseum... Look out. He's going to throw it again.

Fill the Coliseum with water? Yeah. And have crocodile fights? No way. With boats again. Fill the Coliseum with water? And have crocodile fights? With boats? What? The Coliseum you could fill with water, and then they would have boat fights? And fill the water with crocodiles? How gangster did you have to be to catch a crocodile back then with no guns?

And bring it back! And bring it back! No guns! Bring it back! Bring it back! You can't kill it, you can't tranquilize it either. And people were all tiny back then. They're all eating spaghetti.

That's 5'1". Yeah, you mentioned it. I bet that's a fucking crocodile. That's a fucking crocodile too. Probably. How do you keep water in that place? Apparently they could. Come on.

They developed a system. I've been there. Yeah, they developed a way to do it. It's like engineers have actually studied it. And the floor lowers and raises so that animals can come through the floor. Yeah, that's like the really sophisticated system that they had, where they had animals

in cages for the games and they would lift them up through the floor and everybody would cheer. Holy shit, they got a tiger! The really baller people would be in the fucking front row and they would get jacked by the tiger. No way! So they had to raise the wall

because people were getting jacked. It was like 10 feet up. That's not enough. It'd be like going to a UFC match and then a guy jumps out and starts whooping your ass. It was like a mosh pit where all four of their hands were trying to keep Forrest Griffin back. And then you just hops out and knocks you out.

Did you remember that zoo in San Francisco where the kids were throwing pine cones at the Tiger and the tiger jumped over a 14-foot fence? What? No. They gave him a reason. They gave him a reason. It's like a Mexican. These kids were throwing pine cones at this fucking tiger.

And the tiger, they had a 14-foot high fence. They're like, yeah, good enough. And this motherfucker jumped over the 14-foot high fence. JMO. Can you imagine? It's not on video, I'm pretty sure. Good for that fucking time. Is that on video?

I know, right? I don't think that's on video. Mark's asking me to pull it up. Oh, no, I don't think that's on video. I think that was just a random day at the zoo where some dudes got killed. They got murked. Damn. Pine cone.

That's a scary way to die. Holy shit. Would you know you provoked that fucking thing? It was in there for years. You know how scary that thing looked while it was flying in the air? Angry. Knowing you're the cause of all this fucking... You know he's going to make it?

He's going to get down on the down slope? No way. Oh, fuck. I had a bit about it. That's two pounces. Yeah, you did have a bit about it. Really? Yeah, I had a bit about it.

Talking monkeys in space. Victims taunted Tiger for a killed zoo visitor. Look how casual he looks. 19-year-old and 17-year-old. Two kids. Whoa. His brother was 23 and a friend was 17. They died in the tragedy.

Tatiana got killed by a girl. That Tiger's like, yeah, whatever, man. I did it. Wow. The three of them got killed? Is that what it's saying? Some other person. Holy shit.

It's crazy because it could have jumped over that wall at any time. According to an affidavit attained by the San Francisco Chronicle, the trio stood on top of a three-foot railing but had not thrown anything into the pen to provoke the cat. They were drunk. The men had also been smoking marijuana. It was a pot-related death. The toxicology tests showed Diwali had been twice the legal alcohol limit for driving. Damn, they got high and drunk and fucked with a tiger.

They taunted, agitated by its eventual victims. Police believe this factor contributed to the tiger escaping from its enclosure and attacking the victims. God damn it, man. Yeah. Just young. Imagine if that's your kid. Just some young, dumb kid with his friends fucking off. I wonder if the tiger got a-

Just a one 23-year-old loser, and he's probably starting it all. It's probably that Irish guy. All three had marijuana in their systems. This probably isn't the best joke, but- He just had a couple shots of vodka. His name was Colbert Dahl. Never mind. Nah, life apart.

Never mind. We'd probably cut that part. It's just funny. His last name, his parents were probably like, watch out. Tigers will get you. You ever see how far those motherfuckers can jump? There's a video of this guy on an elephant. There's no way.

No way. Come on. You ever see the guy on an elephant that gets jacked by a tiger? Oh, yeah. That's the best. Try it. His whole hand is a fucking jack. Yeah, his whole hand got just torn apart.

It's just shredded. Like razor blades. They had razor blades for claws. And they weighed, you know, 600 pounds. got just torn apart. Just shredded. Like razor blades. They had razor blades for claws. And they weighed, you know, 600 pounds. Flying through the air. Slashing at you. That's bullshit. Watch this video.

That's bullshit. I love it. No, no, no. I love the video. It is fucking bullshit. That just sucks, dude. And you're on top of an elephant. We're humans?

Why don't you go after the elephant, though? No, it doesn't. No, it's looking for the purse. He knows that purse is being an asshole. Oh, what a dive. I love seeing the elephants in though? No, it doesn't. No, it's looking for the purses. He knows that purses mean an asshole. Oh, what a dive. I love seeing the elephants in the background like, oh, oh. I like how they're still filming. Because the cats know they're trying to kill them.

Tall grass. Dude, there's a place called the Sundarbans where over the last 200 years, hundreds of thousands of people. Oh, what a shot. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. He got him. He got him right in the Oh, my God. Oh, my God. He got him.

He got him right in the fucking dick. Right in the nards. Damn. Almost bit his head. Oh, that guy shredded, bro. Oh, his hand is gone. His hand is gone. Look at your mom when she fell on the stairs. Oh, Jesus Christ.

My head's all right, but I'll tell you what. Oh, my God. The tiger reaches his arm out and just... Dude, fuck those things. They were tiger hunting. They were fucking trying to kill that guy. They're trying to hunt those things down. They do it all the time down there.

On safari, the rhinos were... They find the ones that kill people. Some of them, they develop a taste for people. Oh, that's a good taste. Everyone was like, America sucks. Go there. Yeah. You heard that old tale about the guy who would help an old man, you know, and he would

go over to his house every day, feed him, hang out with him a little bit, you know, and then one day, he knocked on the old man's door, no answer. Huh. I'll leave. Comes back the next day, knock, no answer. Next day, knock. And eventually he's like, this is weird. So he tries to open the door, the door won't open.

And he's like, what the hell? So he gets his shoulder in there and he's doing a running start finally the door pushes open the old man was blocking the door dead dogs ate him and now they need to put the dogs down his own dogs ate him eat him. Once a dog is a taste of human flesh, it's over. Holy, there's Lizzo. Fucking hippo. Starting to climb out of the cage. No, no, no, no, no. It doesn't attack. This just doesn't attack.

No. They're the most deadly animals. Oh, yeah. I'm terrified. This guy's slapping him. Thank God he has a mask on. This guy's giving a nip to the ass. Thank God for the mask.

Yeah, yeah. This guy is insane. This guy is nuts. He's insane. His only weapon is a walkie-talkie. This guy is insane. And he's reaching for He's insane. His only weapon is a walkie-talkie. This guy is insane. And he's reaching for it. Look at the mouth on that thing.

Wow. Bro. Wow. That thing could crush a moped. You want to know something wild about hippos? Look at their mouth. Guess what they're closest related to in the mammoth family. No.

Damn it. What? The whale. I can see that. Isn't that wild? I can see it. Mouse. No. Damn it. What? The whale. I can see that. I can see it, yeah. And wolves. I was watching there's a hippo documentary on Amazon I was watching.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, they spray shit at each other. They're fucking terrible. They're gross. Hippos suck. They're so scary. I thought they were fun and funny. They're not. Hungry hippo. They'll run you down. We do that with every animal that's terrifying. Yeah, but they, like, when they fight each other, they spray shit at each other.

They spray shit? But they're hungry hippos. Yeah. They are hungry shit. Polar bears, the Coca-Cola. Whenever they're fighting. They just flip sprays. Oh, that's hilarious. That's an original spit in somebody's face

They're fertilizing it's probably nature's figured out a way To get them to spray their shit No but they do it like face to face in water Really? They're morals Spraying it with their tail Polar bears are at least cool They're cool

They used to be brown God look at that thing It's going to be me tomorrow on the flight home. Imagine a bad night of doing blow and drinking. That's your life. You die, you come back, you get to live as every organism on Earth. Hippo would be nice. That'd be a fun run, though.

Just destroy everything around you. And lodging in the pond all day. Yeah, even the crocodiles get the fuck out of the hippos. Yeah, don't. Leave them alone. They'll jack a crocodile. They don't have to. Fuck them up.

They just break them in half. All those African safari things where they go down the river and the hippo's like, oh, we're going for it. When a hippo's in the water chasing a boat, it's the scariest thing ever. Pull it up. They have no mercy. They're so fast. They have no mercy.

You can't believe how fast they are. Yeah, and how big it is coming out of the fucking water. Like it's got a motor in its asshole. Yeah. It's using that fucking tail. Wow. That tiny tail. Full rudder.

Bro, they're moving so fast. Yeah. You ever seen it? No, I've never seen it. Let me see it. Well, they're smooth. They're hairy. It's bizarre how fast it is.

How are they that fast? All they got is a butt. It's all fat. I don't know, man, but there's something. Look at that fucking guy. Wow. Something that's just going to pick up speed, too. It's like Lizzo headed to a buffet.

If you were running away from that, that would be a problem. If you had to run away from that, that's a fucking guy. Wow. Something that's just going to pick up speed, too. It's like Lizzo headed to a buffet. If you were running away from that, that would be a problem. If you had to run away from that, that's a problem. That's like a person running really fast. Look at that thing moving. It sucks ass, dude. Holy shit. That fucking thing. It's like Star Jones.

By the way, it's not even getting tired. Mouth isn't even open. Five bucks a minute. Show the hippo chasing the boat. That's the one. Whoa, he's cute. He's so big, dude. So watch. chasing the boat. That's the one. Whoa, he's cute. He's so big, dude. So watch.

They start moving. That's terrifying. They're just filming it. Ooh-wee. Oh, my God. It's fucking coming after him, man. Look at it. Shoot that motherfucker.

Yeah, shoot it. Shoot it dead. Yeah, kill that motherfucker. Who's filming? Kill that fucking guy. That is a monster. Look at that monster. Your iPhone is worthless in this fight.

That's such a fucking monster. Wow. What is is worthless in this fight. That's such a fucking monster. Wow. What is this, in Tampa? Where is he? Where is he? There he is! Wow! Holy shit, they're quick.

You gotta pick up the motor. Ow! Holy shit, they're quick. You've got to pick up the motor. It actually does not look that fast in that video. It might be Lake Chad. It might be Lake Chad. There's some other ones where they're actually chasing a boat. I think they take boats out every now and then, too. Definitely.

And they chomp, chomp, chomp. They can move. I mean, they're running for sure. How are they in the water? They're like big pig cow whales. The other one's like, you got it. You got it right. Cool.

Wow, Africa freak. That's my screen name. This is one angry. I hate these narrated videos. Whoa, they can dive like that. They do a butterfly stroke. That's like a dolphin. They're whales. I guess so.

Do they have a blowhole? No, they just have nostrils. Jamie, I've never felt more let down, dude. How do you not find a hippo chasing a boat? Wow. He got that. Nah. Nah.

I'm just fucking with him. J-Mo. He's 16 years old. Give that guy another eagle. J-Mo. I think you found it. There. Nah. I'm just fucking with you. J-Mo. He's 16 years old. Give that guy another eagle. J-Mo. I think you found it. There it is. No, there's a better one. There's another one. Ooh, I like this one. They got cute ears. That might be the one. Bro, I think they chase after boats a lot. Are we talking lake Chad?

The one that was jumping up and down was the one that freaked me out. Oh yeah, I didn't know they could do that. Because that's like dolphin type movements. Exactly. They can pick up probably a lot of speed doing that. Oh, yeah. Yeah Yikes you ever see swamp tours or swamp people Look at that fucking thing Jesus Look at that fucking thing Wow

Is that it no Jamie you did great don't oh yes, dude play the fucking Coastal Carolina coach What is that it's just we might have done it on here before it's my favorite this guy He's like we got too many cats on the team. We need more dogs Mmm, yeah guys looking in the mirror like oh,, I look pretty. I look pretty. We need more dogs. Trying to get our two boys ready to carry them to the golf tournament. Full practice, right? Twelve cats live across the road. Our door's open. Screen's broke.

We need to get a new screen door. But the screen's broke. So you come in through the screen, but you can't get back out of it. I turn and look. There's a little kitty cat in our kitchen. So I said, what are you doing in here, little kitty cat? By that time, the cat turns, tries to get back out. That scream won't go that way.

Cat starts going, meow! All crazy. I told our players, we need more dogs. Bo's barking in the back. I have to go shut Bo up. It's kind of a Hitler. What's going on? I said, is the cat in the house?

Cat in the house? I said, yeah, there's a cat in the house. So I told our players, I tried to let it out the front door. He's on the verge of Hitler. Yeah. He's on coke for sure. I good to meet Theo Vaughn's dad Chanticleer pride Shout out to Chanticleer

We need more dogs We need more dogs There you go. He's not lying. If he's a football coach, he's not lying. No more cats. He needs people to get after it. That's true.

Deion Sanders had a good speech. He's a cat man. No. He's recruiting cats. Deion Sanders? What? I thought he was killing cats. Recruiting king.

His son's a fucking quarterback that can throw. Oh, shit. All he did was run. What he's talking fucking quarterback that can throw. Oh, shit. He's not a good... Oh, he did his run. What he's talking about is dogs. Dogs. You ever seen Dwayne Wade's son? He's talking about no wristbands, no swag. Dogs. Dwayne Wade's son? Yeah.

Cat. That's a big cat. Big bush. That's a big cat. Yeah. But, anyway. That was fun. Anywhowho you keep it warm in here 74 My hotel room was at 74 That's the temperature

That's outside It's hot as shit in here dude I told you it was hot That's not real Just went up to 75 Is that real? That's nation main 71

Oh alright 75 Are you sweating? It's 105 degrees outside Really? It is hot as fuck outside That sucks, dude. I'm moving here and that sucks.

That sucks. Is it official? It's already a week in September. Yeah, it's official. I'm moving here. I think it's cool. You're going to have a great time here. Yeah, listen.

Don't be a pussy. Get in the sauna. The heat is nothing. I'm not going to get in the sauna. I'm not going to get hotter. People get mad about the heat. I'm like, it's just hot. It's just hot.

It's pretty relaxed. It's pretty dry. I shoot arrows out in the heat three hours a day heat. I'm like it's just hot. It's just hot. It's just an experience. I'm out. It's pretty dry. I shoot arrows out in the heat three hours a day sometimes. Me and Egan went to see the Pixies out in the Coliseum here. Amphitheater. You guys kissed? Hottest day. We did kiss. Beside the story. Yeah we did kiss but that's not the story. We kissed. We hard. We hard. We hard. It was the hottest city on earth here for two days. Hottest city on earth.

Oh, I think he did. Yeah, they kissed. Yeah, we kissed. We hard. This was the hottest city on earth? Yeah. When? Two days when the Pixies played.

I think it was Arizona. How long ago was this? June. Of this year? Yeah. No. Yep. No, Death Valley gets way hotter.

City. Oh. That's not a city. Don't point at him and look away like that, dude. That's so disrespectful and rude. It wasn't that day. Phoenix is hot. Oh, the hottest in the country that day.

In the world. In the world. The world. Hottest city in the world. More than Istanbul. I believe it was probably like 112. It was 112 that day. Saudi Arabia.

No city was hotter. I know, right? Somalia. But it wasn't. It was 112? Something like that. It became below 100 at like 9.45 p.m. This is when I go into my climate change is not real rant.

Oh, shit. Why? It seems like the opposite. The climate change is real? Yeah. I don't know. I'm interested. I'm interested in both sides.

Turns out science can be wrong a little bit sometimes. Yeah, I've seen all of that. But that's all right. You know what someone scared me, though? They said that the real scary thing is global cooling. What? Global warming is scary, but global cooling is awesome. That got me, bro. That's when everybody dies. What do you mean global cooling? Yeah, coldness will kill you.

Ice age. Like a real ice age. It's way scarier than everything getting hot. Wait, but is that... What's happening now? Mitch McConnell keeps freezing. Listen, it's all dependent upon who you talk to. Because at some point in Earth's history, there were no polarized caps. But now there is. And now there's Greenland.

There's no polarized lenses, but we got them. Things change, you know? The shit shifts. That's the thing about the whole climate thing. It's just like, it's never steady. It's never like the climate's always going to be this. It's just like it's never steady. It's never like the climate's always gonna be this It's like gender. It's fluid. It's fluid It's like never in the history of the earth been steady

It's always done this if you look at charts and graphs think the question is like how much are people influencing it? But the real problem is pretty clear Also, it's greener now than it's ever been before. What do you mean greener? That's true because it's warmer. What do you mean greener? It's because it's warmer. There's more green.

It's interesting. More jungle. More rainforest. That's like a kind of like a don't get involved, you fucking liberal. I got one for you. You fucking liberal. Let's see it. Do you know there's more trees?

The thing I heard was there's more trees in Canada than there are stars in the galaxy. No. Incorrect. Incorrect. Tell us a list of that. Why do you think it's incorrect? Because it's infinite in the galaxy? No, Incorrect. Incorrect. Why do you think it's incorrect? Because it's infinite in the galaxy? No, not the universe.

I don't know the difference. Well, the difference is 200 billion stars. What are you, the dumbest guy of all time? Canada doesn't even have the most trees. Canada has 200 billion trees? The dumbest guy ever. I mean the whole existence. What's that called? Say that again, Jamie.

318 billion trees. 318 billion trees in Canada. Well, nobody lives up north. They do. There's over 650 billion in Russia. Shut up, Saskatoon. I'm going to go ahead and say nobody actually counted those. Did you hear what he said? 650 billion in Russia?

Manitoba. Again, Russia has the bigger numbers. Most bears. Russia. Wow. A lot of land mass out there. 318 billion trees. And we're better than Brazil. We need those trees. Very,. Most bears, Russia. Wow. A lot of land mass out there. 318 billion trees. And we're better than Brazil.

We need those trees. Trees cover 40% of the country. They're all large. Canada's forests account for 30% of the world's forests. Wow. Wow. I didn't know the Canucks had the trees. They love trees.

30% of the world's forests in Canada. Can't believe. That's insane the world's forests are in Canada. That's insane. Canada's huge, dude. Canada's gigantic. There's more people in California than Canada. Yeah. How many people do you think pay $60,000?

Most of it's unlivable. Unlivable? Yeah, it's freezing. The tundra. Don't be a pussy. Go if you care so much. Good show. You won't. Joe, you should go on alone. Russia.

Look at that tree. I'm not interested in being alone. 140 million trees. I have no interest in being alone. 650 billion trees in Russia? Yeah. Well, Russia's gigantic. Jesus Christ.

641,607,000. Brazil's got hella. What's that country in the middle of Africa? They got a lot. What is that one down there? Congo. Congo. Oh. That's where country in the middle of Africa? They got a lot. What is that one down there? Congo. Congo. That's where Black Panther's from.

Good dance. That's Congo. Oh, 318. What's that island in Canada off Alaska? What? Island off Alaska. What does the Amazon have, Jamie? What's that?

What's in the Amazon? It's Russia. 300 million. 300 million. Oh, they're close. They're coming up. Russia has more trees than the Amazon. Well, look at what bigger it is. It's Russia. 300 million. 300 million. Oh, they're close. They're coming up. Russia is bigger. Russia has more trees

than the Amazon. Well, look at what bigger it is. Have you guys ever seen that documentary Happy People, Life in the Taiga? Nope.

Oh, my God. It's a fucking amazing Werner Herzog documentary about people who live in Siberia. I will not show you the tape of him getting killed.

Yeah. He didn't have the recording. What? He only had the recording. What? He only had the recording. Oh, my God. This is horrible. Destroy this. Destroy this.

No one should see this. The greatest unintentional comedy in the history of the world. The grizzly man? Grizzly man. Oh, bears. The greatest unintentional comedy of all time. Hey, just hug wild bears. It'll be great.

Oh, seven in. I see the mistake that guy was gay right so gay he seems like he loves bears well he was saying he wasn't

so he's walking around with a camera going I'm not gay if I was gay it would be so easy I'd find a guy but I'm not gay like that's not something

not gay people there's a fox that steals his hat yeah it's cute it's a very very funny moment it's funny he goes from like this, very funny moment. It's funny. He goes from like, this is cute, and then he gets really mad. Hey, shadow, that's my hat.

He's just a gay guy screaming at a fox in the middle of nowhere. The fox stole his hat and took it into his den, and he can't get it. Yes, that's a good fox. But it's funny that the fox became like his friend, like legitimately like a dog, man. Cute. There it is, dude. What are you doing to that hat? It's his pirate's hat. He's like, that's mine, bitch.

Shout out to the pirates. See, that fox has no idea what possession is. This is his now. So he doesn't think that's his hat. That's my hat, motherfucker. I just found it. So when this dude is trying to take it back.

Hey, who's stealing that hat? Hey, who's stealing that damn hat? What? Man. He gets so upset. Okay. What are you doing with that hat? What are you doing with that hat?

Okay. That hat is a very important hat. Nah. Hey. Now he's serious. Ghost, that's it. Ghost, where's that fucking hat? Ghost, you come back here with that freaking hat.

You gave it to a wild dog, dude. Yeah. Ghost, where's that hat? What's with it? It's not okay for you to steal it. Nah. Oh, man. Oh, man.

Oh, God. South Barkie. And you think this is the worst part of your trip. That dude is never getting that hat back. Oh, it's going to get bad. Get ready, brother. Although, maybe he wasn't gay. Didn't he have a babe with him when he got fucking munched?

Yeah. And she was probably super confused. He was calling him babes, and he was like, yo, check this shit out. Yeah, he had a lady with him, and she got killed too. She got killed? Oh, I thought she got out. She got killed too. She was apparently on video, or the lens cap was on it, but it was running.

And she was apparently hitting like, hitting the bear with, like, a frying pan. You don't understand. Like, they're so big. That's nothing. These are enormous bears. It's like a cartoon. I mean, she, and they kill, apparently the video is, the audio, rather, is really long.

I've heard one, but it's many, many minutes long. It was fake, right? There's a fake audio that's out there, but the real one is apparently pretty long. Have you ever had Warner Brothers on that one? No, I haven't. I would though. I love that guy. Great voice. This is the lady playing it for him. This is his ex-girlfriend playing it for him. I'm not playing it. I'm not playing it.

Okay, it's... I didn't want to. Wait, so she was thinking that. That's her. That's his ex-girlfriend. So this is a different ex-girlfriend. Not the one who got killed. Is this real, Jamie? Yeah, this is in the documentary. So she's playing it for him, and I don't even know if she had ever listened to it. Just give me a taste.

Just a taste. No, they're not going to give you a taste. They're just watching him. They're just watching him. Hearing it. Yeah. But it's, you know. That's heavy. It's a heavy movie.

But it's also hilarious it's so funny at the same time it's very funny it's just so crazy that this guy thought he could live with bears he's just like

hey dude you're food I love how this lady's legacy is the dude she dumped because he was gay she was like that's not who

my personality is I used to date him I don't know I'm fucked up, dude. The human ego is so weird. Too many of those fucking eagles. Ego is not your amigo. It was for you.

The human ego. I'll do the next one. You guys have so many. Ari, how many have you had? Are those all yours? You've had, what, one? You're here slacking, Rogo. Come on, Jojo Rabbit. Thatta baby.

Jamie. Terrence, dude, we're done fucking around. Terrence. Terrence, stop already. Terrence, could you guys cut it out? We're over here trying to have fun, dude. Terrence, dude, we're done fucking around. Terrence. Terrence, stop already. Terrence, could you guys cut it out? We're over here trying to have fun, dude. I know, right? Dude, Rogan's on the scene.

Stop fucking with us. Sorry about CIA, dude. That's not us. That's not us. We're mostly cool. Most of us are chill, dude. Stop already, Terrence. Russia, Ukraine, cut it the fuck out, dude.

What's your guys' problems? I know. Enough's enough. Trying to have fun over here, people. I'm trying to chill, dude. Things are just starting to get good. Get Maui back. Maui's coming back.

What are they going to do? It's coming back. Maui's going to be back, dude. American spirit. Maui's going to be back. Hell yeah. Don't fuck with the Maoris. What do you think they're going to do with all that situation with people's land there?

Give it to Oprah? Fly as well as come in? I think that's the right move. All that situation with, like, people's land there. Give it to Oprah? Fire drill's coming. I think that's the right move. She had property. Untouched by the space laser. Oh, Uncle Laser. Oh, Jesus Christ. Ari's uncle.

No, I think it's a pretty serious tragedy. Yeah, for real. Oh, for sure. It was crazy how fade. You watch those videos? How fast it goes. I thought Mark was a pretty serious tragedy. Yeah, for real. Oh, for sure. It was crazy how fast. You watch those videos? Don't play that. I thought Mark was getting ready to take it. All right, fine.

I'll shut off about real tragedies. Ready? Go, Mark. Chug that freezing cold beer. Bong it. America! Don't focus on me. Do it for the troops.

Otherwise, Russia wins. Don't focus on you. Russian troops. Russia's going to win if you don't do that. Come on. You have to do it in one shot or you hate Ukraine. You love Russia? Light the road.

Don't be a communist. Hurry up, you pussy. Come on. Quick before the song runs out. Remember Black Rock? If the song runs out, rush it. Hurry up. Bro.

Mark Norman. Mark Norman. Mark Norman. Green Black? Nice, Marcus. Yes, Marcus. I'm in. Green Blast? Nice, Marcus. Yes, Marcus. Marcus. You got to open it.

Marcus. Open the throat. How much is left in this? I don't want to pour it. Hold on. How much is left? A little swig. A little swig, but may as well do it if you're going to do it, though.

I thought I had it. Sorry. Don't give me one. No pressure. Those last few seconds were hard. It's so cold. It hurts your teeth. It's so cold.

Fuck yeah. Sorry. I'll do another one. But we do it for the troops. For the troops. It's all for the troops. Al Qaeda. Yes.

J-Mo, don't get me started. You're up next there, Dickless. I already did one. Greatest guitar solo of all time. This? No diggity. Yeah. This?

Can you bag it up? Greatest guitar solo of all time. You know where it comes. This is the video titled, Only the Best Part of Freebird. This part. Oh, vicious. It's true though. It's true.

It gets to this point. Oh. He's like, let's run. Where it comes from. It gets to this point. He's like, let's run. Oh, man, we're a couple of fucked up white guys. From Florida. They're like, run, bro. No. The greatest thing to ever come out of Florida.

They're from Florida? Yeah. Really? Florida. They're like, run, bro. No. The greatest thing to ever come out of Florida. They're from Florida? Yeah. Florida. They're Bama. More than Limp Bizkit? No. Jacksonville. They're from Jacksonville, Florida. Jackson Bama. Jackson Bama. Come on, man. This is the greatest guitar solo ever.

Yeah. This is insane. It's rules. Still holds up. No one This is insane. It's rules. Still holds up. No one plays instruments anymore. Except for Oliver Anthony. Yes. This is guys having fun, dude. This is the United States of America, dude.

Hell yeah. Put it right in my ass. Russia, cut it out. Enough's enough. Putin. Russia, we're done fucking around, dude, cut it out. Enough's enough. Putin. Russia, we're done fucking around, dude. Cut it out. We're sick of this war. Knock it off, dude. Joe Biden, get your old ass out of the way, dude.

We're sick of fucking... Shut up. Deal with your own. Notre Dame, dude. Win a national title, dude. Fuck. Go Saints. Fuck this Clemson communist shit. Vivek. Dude, how long will you guys be if Notre Dame won a national title? Hershey PA, October 13th.

Come on out. Come on, man. This is insane. Still going. It's going to hurt the fingers. It's Jeff's turn. So here's the question. It's not even half over.

This might have been going through Grizzly Man's head at the end. Wow, that rips. This guy got laid. Wait for it. Wait for it. Wait for it. Come on, how much of this can we play? These guys died in a plane crash. Some of them did.

Yes. So good. Damn. Damn. Damn. Wow. Still going. This guy's in the zone.

Shredding. Look at us, dude. Holy shit. Look at us. Just a couple of honkies bopping. Honky, honkies bopping, dude. God damn, this is good. They just let him run.

Oh man, I'm back to fucking shit. It's one of the only songs ever. Oh, I want to fuck a fat chick. Where the music is. Oh, I want to fuck a fat chick. Oh, I want to fuck a fat chick. Oh, I want to fuck a fat chick. Oh, I want to fuck a fat chick.

Oh, I want to fuck a fat chick. Oh, I want to fuck a fat chick. Oh, I want to fuck a fat chick. Oh, I want to fuck a fat chick. Oh, I want to fuck a fat chick. Oh, I want to fuck a fat chick. Oh, I want to fuck a fat chick. Oh, man. I'm back to fucking shit. It's one of the only songs ever where the music is better than the song. Yeah. Yeah.

It's like, go. Who needs the lyrics? I like auto-tune myself. It's crazy Alright yeah That's crazy What is that Eight minutes God damn

The rest of the band Was just stepping back Like let them go Jesus This guitar's got smoke Just imagine yeah it's almost over I hope not right into the sunset the wheels come off god damn this is good oh my god You know what's fun?

Introducing black people to Freebird. He's still going. We'll be in the car now. Show your black friends this song. And they'll be like, what? God damn. I didn't know you guys had this in you. Just imagine being the Rolling Stones.

Everybody likes that song. Imagine being the Rolling Stones. You've got to follow these guys. And you're like, oh, fuck. And they went out on the tongue. They weren't supposed to go out on the tongue. And they're like, fuck this. We're going out on the tongue. What does that mean?

They went out on the tongue. What's that? They had to follow this? Yes. Really? The Rolling Stones. Had to follow what? The Rolling Stones had to follow.

Leonard Skinner opened for the Rolling Stones. I didn't know that. Yeah. This is it. Holy shit. It's like when Mark Horne. Rule number one. I don't want to walk a flock of shame. This is it. Holy shit, it's like when Mark Lawrence... Rule number one, dunk on the tongue.

I don't like to walk a flock of shame. This is it. What's the tongue? Oh, the lips. Play this. The tongue. So we can hear it. Oh, the tongue.

Oh, yeah. So Ronnie walked us all the way down just to defy the... What was the order? They had an order, don't walk on the tongue. We're not just some British motherfuckers. Limeys. ...core jerking back around. These motherfuckers. Limeys. These motherfuckers going off.

They're all over that tongue. Wow. Oh, they're feeling it. Well. Yeah, take that, you British cunts. Just play in the back, don't do the tongue. We can't reset the stage. Rolling Stones following James Brown.

James Brown, when he goes, he says, welcome to America, motherfucker. Did he? Hell yeah. Really? You know that story. James Brown goes, hey, we got you. Nobody follows me. You got you and then the Rolling Stones. He goes, no, I'm last. I'm James Brown.

And he goes, well, that's not the order we have. It's somebody huge, then you and then the Rolling Stones. He goes, no, I'm last. I'm James Brown. And he goes, well, that's not the order we have. It's somebody huge, then you, then the Rolling Stones. He goes, I'm leaving. Fuck, goodbye. He gets down the block and he comes back and he goes, actually, you know what? Let the Rolling Stones go after me. Hell yeah. Let's do that.

And then he went nuts. And he's like, I'll put it on the best show I've ever put on in my life. Wow. And then he goes, follow that, motherfuckers. Yeah. Really? Really. Yeah, really dude I saw the killers that fucking Delaware and they were not killers in Delaware They were not James Brown the second to last and they were like do that. Oh there. He is this it right here

Oh my god. Let me give us Yeah, it's literally just when a comical skip through it. Yeah, he's doing push-ups Who's this him leaving? No, he keeps pretending to leave. Oh, my goodness. Who's that? These crackers are nervous. No, wait.

Go back. Because the Rolling Stones actually kill also. That's how good they are. Oh, he's bringing the heat. Yeah. Look at those feet. The shuffle. You're just in the back. You're some British guy in a sweater, turtleneck.

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. This is amazing. I mean, this is athleticism. This isn't just like dancing. You have to learn how to do that. Well, they're all on crank. How do you know?

There's both sides of this. He's on serious drugs. What were they on? Coke? Whatever they could find. He's on a gun, Hunter Biden. Bro, look at his feet. Yeah.

It's insane. Damn. Damn. Woo. Bam. There's one black lady. Is that Michelle Obama? Look at that. No, he wasn't there.

She was gacked, that lady. That lady's entranced. She's entranced by James Brown. Look at him. Wow, he's hypnotic. He's the best. Oh,'s entranced by James Brown. Look at him. He's hypnotic. He's the best. Oh, my God. He is the best.

Hey, Jamie. Yeah. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Jamie Brown. Play the Zaire one. All right. Zaire? Yeah.

When he fought, when Ali fought George Foreman, James Brown opened up the show. Thrilling Manila. Oh, my God. It was an extravaganza. That was in Manila. It was thrilling. And it was also fear in Zaire. The beginning of the downfall of Hunter Thompson.

I felt like you said fear in Zaire. Because Hunter Thompson went there and didn't want to watch Muhammad Ali get beat up. And so he stayed in his hotel and just drank and floated around in the pool with a Nixon mask on. And he didn't even realize that he missed. He got sent over there by Rolling Stones and missed the greatest comeback. Yeah, but he got sent over to watch the Bunker Motorcycle Rally. He didn't do that either.

Yeah, but this was important. What a horrible hang. This was important. This is James Brown live inside. Watch this. This man will make your bladder splatter. Who's this guy? This man will free you.

It's Barack Obama. If you will, let's all welcome the world's Godfather of all. Watch this. Soul brother number one, James Brown. There you go. Damn. Watch this. There you go. Damn. Watch this shit. Watch this shit, son.

What an outfit. Zanzibar, motherfucker. Look at that stache on this guy. Holy shit. Right into it, baby. Let's go. Why even wear the outfit out there? Great head of hair. Come on, son. Wow's go. Why even wear the outfit out there? Great head of hair. Come on, son!

Wow! With the mic in the stand, bitch. Godfather of soul. God damn, he was good. Zaire. Zaire. Damn. Built like a running back, dude.

He's thick. You had to be an athlete to do what he does on stage. Yeah. Crank. Just the movement. Crank. I mean, that's a lot of fucking... A lot of crank. Living in America.

It's a man's world. Look at him. They love it. It's funky. Imagine that's the opening for a fight. I know, right? It's not like S's the opening for a fight I know right It's not like Sinead doing one song Right

I mean this is James Brown Was this Ropa Dope? Opening for the This was Ropa Dope I mean James Brown opens for Ropa Dope Yes That's crazy Everybody thought Ali was gonna get killed

George Foreman was a destroyer Yeah He was just flatlining people You just couldn't stop him He just moved forward Just mowed you over with Yeah. He was just flatlining people. You just couldn't stop him. He just moved forward and just mowed you over with body punches. He was huge.

He was so scary. George was so... He knocked out Joe Frazier and it was like he lifted him up in the air when he knocked him out. But then Frazier got beat up by... Oh, this is when

Jace Brown was crying. Oh, here we go. This is amazing. A sex machine, baby. He's yacked up. He's trying to fuck this lady. No idea what to do. Nothing wrong.

Nothing wrong at all. You're not in any difficulty, but you're out on bond. No, I'm not. No, I'm not. All the charges been dropped? Yeah, I'm out on love. Well, are you out on love or out of love? Which is it? Out on love. Well, are you out on love or out of love? Which is it?

Out on love. A lonesome night tonight, you find me. He's amazing. Let's talk about some music. You want to talk about music, and you don't want to talk about what happened. No, it's all over. Well, let's talk about your tour. When are you leaving?

We're leaving tomorrow. Rio de Janeiro. Rio de Janeiro and Sao Paulo. Brazil. Your fans will have read all about this, James. Aren't you concerned about that? No. I'm concerned because there's nothing wrong.

Jesus Christ. Oh, man. He's yacked up. He looks like he's having a good fucking time. Damn. She's talking about allegations of, what is it, domestic violence? Yeah, he hit his wife. He's like, nah, that's bullshit, baby.

Well, do you remember when he got arrested because someone was using his toilet and he chased him with a fucking shotgun? No. And then he had a shootout with the cops. The fucking cops chased him down. They shot his tires out. Cops shot his tires out, bro. Wow.

That was a good time. I don't think he shot at the cops. I shouldn't say a shootout with the cops, but the cops definitely shot his tires. People still part like Richard Pryor shot his own fucking car. Because his wife tried to leave. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's right. He had a whole bit about it.

Yeah. Jesus Christ. That was like the slap with Chris Rock, because it was all over the news. They shot out two of his tires and he drove on the rims for six miles. Hell yeah. High speed chase through Georgia and South Carolina. Wow, two states. He tried to ram police cars with his pickup truck.

That's when that interview was with Sir Maynard Gates. It was the same year. Because of that? Oh, he's like, who's out on that? I'm out on love. That was nothing. That's it. I'm out on love.

I can't believe he got out. He rammed police cars. That's amazing. He got out of there. Good lawyers. Different times. Wait, wait, wait. No, that was later that year.

Are you going to back in after that interview? After the interview? Yeah, hold on. Let me see. He learned nothing. The interview says April 4th, 1988, and our arrest, this is on this day, December 15th, 1988. Oh, yeah.

He began serving a sentence then. Hold on. Sorry. How long did he do? So he got mad because someone used his shitter. That's what it all started from. What do you mean? He had a personal bathroom.

Someone took a shit in it. He got super mad. He just kept going? Think of being that guy. I just had a dump, dude. I'm pretty sure that was the origin of it. Think of being that guy. You're around James Brown.

You've been around famous people. You're like, fuck, I don't want to piss him off. I don't want to piss him off. But god damn, I got to take a shit. There's no way he's going to be mad about this. No. He's not going to use a bathroom. He's not going to use a bathroom.

His shotgun gets on a high-speed chase. Bro, could you imagine? He did it at Chipotle. He'd be like, holy shit. Imagine if Burt Kreischer shit in James Brown's toilet, which he definitely would do. Of course. A blue fog reported with James Brown. Oh my God, I got to take a shit.

And then he would come out, oh my God, I took a shit. And then he would come out, oh my God, I took a shit. And James Brown would be like, what motherfucker? PCP habit. PCP, what is a habit and what is you just enjoy it? He's just trying to get through the day. They're framing it this way. Strangers were using his bathroom. I can see that bothering him.

Waving a shotgun. How are strangers using it? Strangers were using his bathroom. I can see that bathroom. Yeah. I got a bathroom. Waving a shotgun. How are strangers using it? Strangers are using his bathroom. The police arrived. Brown led them on a high-speed chase. From Georgia and South Carolina. He was like, I'm going past that line. I don't give a fuck.

Damn, dude. Taking PCP and someone takes a dump in your toilet and you got a gun? You're going to stand your ground. Oh, Brown went to jail at age 15 for breaking into cars. Nice. Really? He sang in the prison choir and started a band when he got out wow yeah that's when rock stars were rock stars oh bro he was the rockiest of rocks he has rules he was he is the best yeah the movie wasn't bad

about him the guy killed it the actor who i forget who the best, like, biopic of a famous musician? Joaquin Phoenix? Val Kilmer, Doors. That was cool. He actually kind of went a little crazy. Joaquin Phoenix, Walk the Line. Walk the Line is pretty great. You know what? I don't think there's a number one.

Because that is Walk the Line is pretty fucking amazing. Dewey Cox. Dewey Cox rules yeah who else was cutting hands from who else was there this duck we inside this um so was there Val Kilmer fucking killed it he did kill it Jim Morrison Jim Morrison sucks in a creep he as a human as a human a horrible I really like so annoying

It's like It's like okay It's deep But it's like Oh my god Can you imagine being around that guy Pretentious But also

But what musician do you like They're all that guy You wanna hang out with that guy But also Art This is the end He was 27 Wow good point

Art He was 27 in 1969 Nobody knew anything We were all moonbeams Couldn't get it up Yeah that does suck Can we just drink We are all temporal

I'll tell you who killed it was Jim Carrey as Kaufman That was pretty impressive Not a musician Another guy who kind of went a little crazy doing a role A little Man how good is that Chappelle joke? What? Oh, never mind.

Say it. I don't want to ruin the joke. Oh, is it out? Can you edit this out? No, don't. All right. We'll talk about it afterwards. All right.

It's so good. Remember it. Oh, it's a new bit. Yeah. I got you. All right. The biopic is tricky because, like, did they really fucking say that? Do you know if they said that for sure?

What? What's that? A biopic. Like, how do I know fucking say that? Do you know if they said that for sure? What? A biopic. How do I know what he said? Right. Daniel Day-Lewis. Yeah. But that was not a musician. But again, we don't know if he was actually like that.

He looked exactly like that, though. Good job, fucking Daniel Day-Lewis. He's the fucking man. He's the man. He's the best. He's the Irish Catholic actor. He's the goat. He's the only guy that I've ever seen.

Ain't no Scientologist. Ain't no goddamn fucking Buddhist. He's a good Irish Catholic actor. He's the goat. He's the only guy that I've ever seen. I ain't no Scientologist. I ain't no goddamn fucking Buddhist. He's just a good Catholic. There is no Daniel Day-Lewis. You know what I'm talking about, Jamie? That's a good Irish man. J-Mo. Jamie, speak up, boy.

Don't just sit back there smiling. He was the best boxer ever. Like, actor turned boxer for a movie. He looked like a real boxer. He spent like a whole year training at a legit boxing gym. See, that's the thing. You know fighting.

So like when you watch Rocky, it's like comical. If I watch a football movie, it destroys me. Or a comedy movie. A comedy movie, like there's no lockers. We don't have lockers.

Actually, we were thinking about putting in lockers at the mothership It's not a bad idea I mean you should But there were none Hurt locker We actually

Yeah let the door guys Have lockers Let them put their Shirt in there We do have lockers For those guys But we have Oh yeah

Leave some cigars in there Some cigarettes or something Yeah yeah Stuff like that Some weed Shut the fuck up Sorry we're out of air Some need

Cocaine Cocaine Some need of need Cocaine Cocaine Some need of cocaine Yeah For me it's pool When people pretend They can play pool It drives me fucking crazy

Color of money You see a video Color of money's okay Because Tom Cruise is Look The guy's amazing Tom Cruise rules Tom Cruise is a wizard

Yeah Like he doesn't really Look like a pool player But he kinda does It's enough where It's not offensive But Paul Newman Was a little offensive.

White man can't jump. Both Woody and Denzel were fucking, they can play. Great movie. Yeah. Basketball's another one. You see a guy shoot a jumper, you're like, this is terrible. I would imagine if like. It's like, well, did you ever see Will Ferrell in that?

Semi-pro. Pew, pew, pew. But yeah, Rocky, you see him swing and there's like a foot and a half between him and the guy. It's also just nothing but haymakers to the face. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Pull up Daniel Day-Lewis in The Boxer. It's pretty impressive.

I've never heard of The Boxer. Because it looks like. You've never heard of The Boxer? No. It's about an IRA guy, right? Yeah. But it's like when you watch the film, he looks like a real boxer. And he wasn't.

The fucking guy just figured it out. He's a gay actor. Is he gay? He's just following the odds. How do you know? No, but actors are gay. Daniel Gay. If he was this good at acting.

Is there any boxing footage in this? There it is. 97. Underrated good looking guy, Daniel Gay. Okay, Lewis. So here's the... So look, when you're watching this, this looks like a real boxing match. Really?

From the 50s. No, no, it looks like big shit. You're right, it does. He looks like a boxer. I mean, obviously they're pulling their punches, but he looks like a real boxer. He's using head movement He's not just waiting in throwing power punches. They're they're docking under this is legit. It's a lot Yeah, you know he looks legit that looks legit. Yeah, that's like it's a lot of action

Of course not much stop, but sometimes there's fights like that every now and then a fight breaks out like that Amateur fights in Ireland. Yeah, I mean it's not much stopping there. But sometimes there's fights like that. Every now and then a fight breaks out like that. Especially like amateur fights in Ireland. Yeah, I mean, it's not going to be a lot of defense. I'll beat your ass now, man. Good days indeed. Yeah, I don't think it was an amateur, but it was still, you know, like, that's a legitimate scenario. I've seen that happen in fights before. Kevin Costner, that pitching move was pretty shitty. But as a golf, he was pretty good.

Yeah. Remember Paul, you know. As a golf. was pretty good yeah remember Paul you know um that's the goal when did this go away remember this why did that go away oh yeah I can tell you if you want to know black people yeah let's see it because they didn't have gloves on and when you don't have gloves on one of the things you realize really early on is that you break these knuckles when you swing wild punches you catch people in there catch people in their foreheads. Ah.

If you catch people in the foreheads, you're going to fuck your fucking hands up. Like, almost all the time. So a lot of guys learned how to just kind of jab at you with these knuckles. Ah. So they were hitting each other. No, no. This is the way you punched people. They would jab at each other with these knuckles.

So they stand there like this and they jab at each other with these knuckles. Ah. Because these knuckles can tolerate bones. And these knuckles can't? these knuckles so they stand there like this and they jab at each other with these knuckles these knuckles can tolerate and these knuckles can't these knuckles break these over here break and which can to these two right here these are the ones these are the ones okay breaking break yeah I cracked this one once and I didn't even have to have surgery on it that's thick it's like a thick bone. It'll heal up. But a lot of guys, they break these down here. They break this down here. So what guys figured out how to

do is to kind of jab each other with these bare knuckles. And if you watch bare knuckle boxing, they're kind of doing that now a little bit. They're tense up and they're throwing big punches like a boxer too, but they're also kind of jabbing each other every now and then with knuckles because you want to catch them with just these front two those are you really

your primary weapons in your hand if you hit someone right here with the pinky on the forehead it's touch-and-go man you could shatter your whole hand and then you have one hand that's why I stick to slapping. What was that movie the guy kept ducking his head? This is different because these guys have their hands wrapped. Look at these big... This is a different story here because their hands are very wrapped. Like their knuckles are covered. So their hands are protected. Damn, on concrete.

What they're doing right here is a different thing. Damn. These guys have like some thick ass hand wraps on. You see when he's making his fist with his right hand See how thick that is That's a padding that'll allow you to punch harder See this is the thing this is the rub against gloves That truly blows

That fucking blows whatever that was Look how bloody he is though Yeah this is much more realistic So these guys have things Oh wow Wait play that back. Oh, my God. Oh, man.

He just walks away. I love the walk away. Look at the crip. Oh, this is grease. He's in the coffin. There, it got stiffened up. Oh. That is a perfect punch.

Perfect Viagra. This guy is stiff, rigor mortis. Woo. Hachi machi. So this is a different thing. A black guy got over there and started wailing on us? No, he's not black. What?

Is he? Yeah. No, samurai. You're done, bro. I don't see color. It's over for you. You're canceled. Is he black?

Oh, my goodness. I think he's Ethiopian. Bro, that guy fought with jeans on. Oh, my God. They pulled that guy fought with jeans on. Oh my God. They pulled that guy off a horse. They pulled that guy off a horse and gave him a six pack. Hey, you're going to win. Time to throw down, son.

But that free beer is not. The slap won't catch on. Bro, here's the crazy thing about the slap. It's weird. They fucking drug test those dudes. They should never. That's like drug city. That's like drug testing snowboarders.

That's so dumb. Drug test for roids? They drug for everything. Don't test for meth. It's slapbox. Let the boys do meth. Let the boys do what they do. It's sanctioned by the State Athletic Commission.

I mean, what is the state? It's like it's a sport. That's crazy. How? What? Yeah. Guys, it's a sport. That's crazy. What? How? What? Yeah. Guys, it's joke fighting.

Who cares? Let them do meth. Let them get drunk. None of us care about this. Let them do a little PCP. Let's see. Let's have a PCP fucking division. They would let them have a- The guys only just fucking-

That would be fun. This has to have been discussed before, but a drug by drug division. Oh, yeah. Only coke champion, the pot champion. The cocaine champion. Well, the heroin one's going to be real boring. Yeah. You could totally have a meth champion.

Meth champion would be the one. You have to do meth before the fights. Maybe it's the angel dust or PCP. That's the one. It'd be Khabib every time. It'd be Khabib McGregor every time. He'd win and be like, you. Palance allowed.

Next person. Jesus Christ. Yeah, it's kind of wild that we let people fight, but we don't let them fight on drugs. Yeah, go for it. Do whatever you want. I mean, it's all here in America. That would be like the ultimate freedom. Yeah.

The ultimate freedom is you can fight on drugs. Do whatever you want. That's what the UFC is based on. Do whatever you want. Fight. We guys UFC is based on. Do whatever you want. Fight. We guys know about high rollers, right? No. High rollers is the weed competition where they do jujitsu when they get high first and

then elite jujitsu guys have jujitsu matches. Slows everything down? Yeah. Not really. It actually makes you focus. Yeah. That's what I mean. It's like, that guy's about to shoot.

Okay. Well, it just makes you much more focused than what's going on for some strange reason. I don't know how you guys do it. Like, you guys perform high? Crazy. Yeah. I can't think of anything. That's Joe Schilling.

Oh, you just don't know. Joe Schilling did it. Maybe the number one man. Yeah, he's an elite kickboxer. Yeah, you do it because it's fun, Mark Norman. It just slows everything down where you're like, I see everything going on. It's almost like the Matrix. You're like, oh, wait, hold on.

For me, it always gives me revelations that I didn't know I was going to get. You fight high? You roll high? Yeah, I used to always roll high. It was like we never did. I haven't rolled in like over a year. No. Like ecstasy?

Wait. I was starting to do it again but I've got a elk hunting season and I'm like I don't want to fuck my seat my knees up before I go fair fair so around November I'm gonna start doing again okay yeah I had a knee problem that like was very weird I tore my MCL I tore it going on stage at Stubbs. What? Yeah, it was so stupid. You tore it on stage? No, I tore it going up the stairs. It was so stupid, dude. How? Because we were doing the Chappelle shows, and we were just fucking obliterated backstage.

And I had to go up the stairs, and I was turning my, I was like, oh, I'm going up now? And I was turning my phone to airplane mode, and I stubbed my fucking foot up these stairs like there's these concrete stubs and I twisted my knee like bad and then when I was on stage my knee was shaking like shaking because it's in physical pain it's like yikes it fucking

hurts did you mention it or you pushed through I should have mentioned it but then I didn't know what to do with it because I hadn't done stand up in a long time and I was just starting to do stand-up again. Because it was during the pandemic. Post-COVID. During the pandemic. Now I would definitely mention it.

Wait, so you – there's like – you must think – jiu-jitsu is kind of like your life to a degree. It's a part of my life. One part of your big life. But like you must know – you're not going to do it in 90. So like you must see – Elio Gracie did. Okay, but you were like there's going to be a time where I'm like I got to stop that. Yeah, you could still do it as long as you do it with people like you that have good control.

The whole idea is you don't want to get like a spastic young quarterback, fucking jacked super athlete to fucking throw you around and hurt you. But a lot of guys, there's like a lot of guys that roll like deep into their 60s. Wow. Yeah. They just do it with smart people. Al Bundy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Al Bundy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Al Bundy.

Yeah. Yeah, Ed O'Neill. Ed O'Neill's a legit black belt. Shut up. Wow. Yes, he is. No way. Yes, he is.

Yes, he is. He looks like a dad. Is that a shit? No, Ed O'Neill absolutely is a legit jiu-jitsu black belt. Married with children? Yep. Yep, he's legit. I chose to end the belt.

Whoa. Rolls of people. Yep, there he is. Holy shit. Yeah, he's legit. I just randomly, by chance, was on a flight with him once. No way. Totally randomly.

He sat right next to me, and we talked about jiu-jitsu the entire time. Get out of here. Yeah, we just talked about jiu-jitsu. Wow. You've got to love it. Just a couple of black belts chilling in first class. Are you black belt? Yeah, I've been a black belt for a long time.

That's a little McGregor. Bravo, black belt. No, I'm John Jock Machado, too. John Jock Machado, wow. Guy and Ogie. Yeah. Wow. We got in a pool with Vincent D'Onofrio yesterday, so I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

True, true. Is he still around? Shut up. He's here in Austin. Vince is jacked, by the way. Really? He's looking good. He was fucking big, dude.

Pull up Vince's age. How old is that guy? Because he was fucking jacked. by the way. Really? He's looking good. He was fucking big, dude. Pull up Vince's age. How old is that guy? Because he was fucking jacked. Oh, I just got him confused. You said Vincent D'Onofrio. You thought Stephen Hawking. For some reason, I thought Vincent Gallo. Very different.

Remember the Buffalo 66 guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The brown bunny. Yeah. Not so tough. Oh, that guy. He's jacked now. He's jacked.

I was jacked. Really? He was jacked, bro. But he's like hanging in there for an old guy. No, no, no, no. I saw him get out of the pool. He was fucking for real. He's jacked. I was jacked. Really? He was jacked, bro. But he's like hanging in there for an old guy. No, no, no, no. I saw him get out of the pool. He was fucking for real. I saw him.

He was jacked for jacked. He was pretty fucking jacked. He was stronger than any of us. Bro, how good was he in full metal, Jack? Wait, how old are we talking? 64. Oh, 64. He's fucking strong.

He looked good for 64. He looked about 64. He's got some hair still. Yeah. Gray but full. Dude, how good was that guy in full metal, Jack? The best. He's got some hair still. Gray but full. How good was that guy in Full Metal Giant? He looks better than that. You know what else he was great in?

The fucking Alien movie. Men in Black. He was great in that. It was fucking amazing. I'm not an alien. I'm just running a bodega. It was fucking great in that movie. I mean, to have a guy who's like a serious actor go hard in on being a bug inside a human suit.

He's also Kingpin. Holy shit. Good Kingpin. He got fat. Is Kingpin in the new one? Newer ones, yeah. Hey, good kid. Denafio rules, dude.

Denafio rules, I told you. We were at the pool. You were trying to be a naysayer. That's Ari, though. Disgusting being a naysayer Once he started doing TV like all actors The career goes pretty downhill That's crazy talk

All his greatest stuff was before CSI It's crazy being nasty though It's a rough one He did it for a decade I'm now a TV guy instead of a film He did it for a decade Yeah but it's just the thing about those shows are so shallow. Shallow.

In comparison to the movies that he's done. When you've done Full Metal Jacket, and I get it. You're talking to the guy who hosted Fear Factor. I know about selling out. Yeah. But the problem is when you're doing that, when you're that good. Yeah, TV's a different, TV's chaff. TV's good now, though.

You got your Breaking Bad, your Mad Men. That's true, too. He did the best he could for CSI, but after that, 2001, he wasn't the same guy. What are you talking about? You don't know shit about his career. You saw him in person. You didn't know it was him.

Yeah, I said you're dating out of your league. We looked over. There was a lady sitting, not next to him, but a chair over. I don't want to put of your league. We looked over. There was a lady sitting not next to him but a chair over. I don't want to put any smut on Vince, dude. You're the man. Shut up. Shut up, Vince, dude. Shut up, Bung from MIB, dude.

We love you. But I looked at these guys. I was like, yo, you see that? And he was like, yeah, not. No, no. Not. Not happening. That's his age. That's the same. He was saying, no.

I was saying, yo, do you think that's the guy from fucking Full Metal Jam? Yeah, he called it. I was going, no, that guy's not like an older guy did in Young Woman. You guys are the same age. We are. We are. Dude. What?

You and Bug. Early 70s. Like that makeup job. Killer. That fucking movie was fun. Bug would have whooped you. Good movie. That movie was great.

Every movie is good, dude. They're all good. We need a good fucking alien movie. Yeah. You ever see Attack the Block? Who? Attack the Block. Fucking ruled.

What, aliens attack black people? Yeah. That's hilarious. Pretty much it. Yeah, in England. Really? Yeah. Is Blackville in England?

Attack the fucking ghetto in England. What? For real?ville in England? Attacked the fucking ghetto in England. What? For real? They hold their own. What year was this? Like 2012. Something like that. Right around there.

What? Attack the block. Yeah, it's like some teenagers in London and they fucking fight the aliens. Whoa. That's the white guy in there. Oh, it's the guys from... He was just in it, but it was pretty fucking good. Star Wars guy?

Well, John Boyega. Oh, yeah. Before. That's another Tom Cruise movie. War of Worlds. War of the Worlds. He was back in that. War of the Worlds rules.

Yeah. Pretty fucking good. I think Tom Cruise rules. He rules. Look, I've got a deep-seated argument with my friends that he's not top ten. No. Ever? He's number one by far.

For blockbusters? No, exactly. That's where the argument changes. Where it's like superstar or blockbuster. He's the rock. It's by whose definition is he number one? I know. This is why it's a good bar argument.

For decades, he was... Oh, the new Tom Cruise movie. Okay. Brad Pitt. Not as big as Tom Cruise. Behind him? No, but he's... Leonardo DiCaprio. Behind him. No, Leo's good. Not as long. Not as big as Tom Cruise. Behind him? Leonardo DiCaprio.

Not as long. Here's the thing about Tom Cruise. Tom Hanks. Not as big. Jack Nicholson. Tom Hanks is not as big as Tom Cruise. What are you kidding? Tom's huge. Tom who? Hanks. He's not as big as Tom Cruise. I don't know. I think he's more likable.

The Vampire was so long ago. He's been in a lot of movies. I don't know. I think he's more likable. But here's the vampire was so long ago. Here's one thing you have to consider. Sam Rao, Tom Cruise. Collab was great. Minari Report, great. Vanilla Sky, great. Mission Impossible, all of them. Listen, interview with the vampire.

Jack Reacher, all of them. Mission Impossible is Vin Diesel. That is Fast and Furious, dude. If you like that shit, you like Fast and Furious. Sure, sure. Interview with the vampire. Top Gun alone. But how many that shit, you like Fast and Furious. Sure, sure. But he did all the top gun. Interview with the vampire Edge of Tomorrow. But how many Mission Impossibles are we talking about? I know.

That's Fast and Furious. Edge of Tomorrow was great. How about Collateral? Collateral's killing Michael Mann. He's amazing in Collateral. I think he's better than all those guys. Hold on a second. No one's talking.

You didn't stop talking. Tom Hanks. You don't know anything. Oh, yeah. I don't watch movies and waste my time. He's in Goldmember, too. Oh, you're saying Ari. Ari. Not right. Ari, you're drunk. Get DiCaprio up. Fire DiCaprio. Get DiCaprio. I don't watch movies and waste my time. He's in Goldmember, too. Are you saying I don't? Not right?

Are you drunk? Get DiCaprio up. Fire DiCaprio. No one goes out and says, here's a DiCaprio movie. There's a Tom Hanks movie. What are you doing, man? You stupid. I'm going to see a Tom Cruise movie.

Schwarzenegger movie. Shit like that. Django? No, no. I'm going to Tarantino. That's a Tarantino movie. It is. That's not a DiCaprio movie.

Nobody goes to a Tarantino movie. The Revenant? The a DiCaprio movie. Who knows what he's going to see in a movie? The Revenant? The Revenant, sure. But five, six movies tops. Okay, Ari's a hater. This is crazy. Not a hater, I'm just saying. Wall Street?

Tom Cruise, Schwarzenegger. You're going to see them. He put out, hold on, hold on. He put out Gangs of New York, I think within the same week he put out Catch Me If You Can. That's great, but you're not going to seeing a DiCaprio movie. Yes, you are No director directors movie Who are you gonna show up movies wait who you gonna show up for Scorsese Scorsese exactly you what I'm going to say No, what is it?

If you're going to see aliens who are you going to see a new Scorsese movie. Wait, wait, wait. What is that? Not the DiCaprio movie. If you're going to see Aliens, who are you going to see? Yeah, but people do go to see the DiCaprio movies too. The chick. Ridley Scott. Yeah, exactly. So, but Tom Cruise. Wait, what's your argument? Tom Cruise, I'm going to see the Tom Cruise movie.

Schwarzenegger. When's the last time you went to a movie and said, I'm going to see the Tom Cruise movie? Every Tom Cruise movie. This is also like Steven Spielberg though, so there's a little bit of St. Martin's. There's overlap. Yeah, for sure. People always go to Spielberg's movies. It's crazy, Tom. Always.

No, you go see Tarantino movies. If somebody's in a Tarantino movie, you're like, that's great, he did it. But I'm still going to see a Tarantino movie. You're very Schwarzenegger. That was one movie. With Kindergarten Cop, you're like, I'm going to see a Tarantino movie. Schwarzenegger. That was one movie. Wait, wait, wait. With Kindergarten Cop, you're like, I'm going to see a new Schwarzenegger movie. Okay, nobody's comparing Kindergarten Cop to Leonardo DiCaprio's career.

I know. And I'm saying. It's not a toolbar. I'm saying, Leonardo DiCaprio, you're not going to see his movies. Yes, you are. No. You're going to see movies he's in. You're not, but some people are.

Why is that so hard to understand? I'm saying, more so, you're going to see a Tom Cruise movie because Tom Cruise is in it. If you're dumb enough to go see a Tom Cruise movie, you're going, I'm here to see the Tom Cruise movie. No, no way. What is it? Mission Impossible 7. Guess what, dude? What?

They get away with it. The mission was possible for the seventh fucking time, dude. This is another crap movie, dude. Here's an interesting stat. Interesting stat. But he does his own stunts. Who gives a fuck? Top Cruise rated $4.7 billion.

All right, who do you think is going to be right below him at fourth place? Who? They know DiCaprio. DiCaprio, if it comes to... The top three are all Marvel characters, so this one is not. Yeah, this is all crap. No, no, no. The top three is not.

The fourth one's not. Top Cruise has been the leader for like 30 years. Who do we guess? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The top three is not. The fourth one's not. Tom Cruise has been the leader for like 30 years. Who do we guess? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm saying DiCaprio. Schwarzenegger. Oh, Chris Pratt. Schwarzenegger's above him.

Chris Pratt's a good one. Dude, Jurassic Park. Okay, who is it? Where's T2? We give it up. Tom Hanks. There you go. 5.12.

What do you mean? He's above him. He's above him. Wait, what about Harrison Ford? Harrison Ford's good. All the Star Wars. Scarlett Johansson. Wait, what about Harrison Ford? Harrison Ford's good. All the Star Wars. Scarlett Johansson. It's not that any of these guys aren't good.

All the Indiana Jones. Who's above Tom Cruise in this? You know what's a great Scarlett Johansson movie? What's it called? Under the Skin. Lucy was fun, too. But there's a movie where she plays an alien. She plays an alien that takes over a human form.

Starts fucking dudes up. I wish she would take me over. I bet she would. Who are the top ones about? It was Samuel L. Jackson was number one, but that's because of Marvel movies. Oh, really? Marvel and Soz. It was two or three.

So they're just adding up the profit of movies they've been in. And then Robert Downey Jr. Robert Downey, I knew it. It should be guys who were leading the movie. I mean, Marvel movies. What happened to us that that's what we really want to see more than anything? A superhero. It's just a guaranteed lock.

It's a lock. Is that a weird fucking- It makes sense, though. Uncle Glazer. What is that about our society? We made all these movies over and over again, and then it just condensed down to the perfect Dorito. We made a Dorito.

A third Dorito. Hey, there we go She hooks up with these guys And they fucking vanish Species was the same kind of plot line right? Species made me rock hard as a child Natasha Hentridge She was on Fear Factor once No

As a nobody or as a celebrity? As a celebrity. Really? Nice lady. Very pretty. You're taking Tom Cruise over Tom Hanks. Yeah, for sure. Yeah.

Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks had a great career. I'm saying there's different categories of how you're judging him. You've got to hear me out on this. Tom Hanks had a run. Tom Cruise had a run. Tom Cruise had a crazy run. He's still having a run.

It was insane. When was taking care of business? Hold on. Risky business. Risky business. When was that? Taking's still having a run. It was insane. When was Taking Care of Business? Hold on. Risky Business. Risky Business. When was that? Taking Care of Business. 1986.

86 till still now. No, no, no. Yeah. No, no. Headlining movies. You're not letting me speak. 40 years. All right, let him speak.

Okay, go ahead. Let me speak. Okay. I'm talking about specific runs where both of their, it was just hit, hit, hit. Oscar runs. Tom Hanks was amazing. Four is good. Oscar runs. Tom Hanks had number. Forrest Gump. Oscar runs.

Tom Hanks had number one. Both came out in 94. Tom Hanks had a run of. Tom Hanks for Oscar runs was crazy. Tom Hanks had a run of, like, Saving Private Ryan, Forrest Gump. Yep. Fucking Green Mile. You forget about Toy Story.

He had all the cast away. He had, like, such a fucking. Oh, yeah, that thing you do. Yep. But then he, now he stinks. Catch me if you can. Now he's just doing nothing all that shit what's he doing now that you don't like scroll down wait till you see his recent

shit it's crap dude man called audio he was just in el. Not really. Elvis was a god damn nightmare. He was just in Elvis. R. Rogers. Ari. He was just in Elvis. It wasn't his movie. Right. He just said he was really great. He was like the co-star of the movie.

He was the colonel. Also, you cited Tropic Thunder is great. Literally all Tom Cruise did is scream and dance in that for five minutes. Fair enough. Fair enough. So shut your fucking bitch ass mouth. That movie rules. I'm sick of. Fair enough. That movie rules. I'm sick of you doing that.

Maybe the last good comedy. Minority Report is great. Jerry Maguire. Jerry Maguire was, yeah, all these were great. Interview with a Vampire. I'm not saying he's not great. Interview with the Vampire was the shit. No one's saying any of these guys aren't great.

American Made. That's the problem. You say one guy's better than the other guy, everyone's like, you think this guy sucks? They're all amazing. That's the point of having a fun argument. Yeah, exactly. There you go. Jack Reacher, the whole Jack Reacher series.

Jack Reacher. He's still a fucking action star. The Jack Reacher thing doesn't even make sense. I thought Jack Reacher was good when it came out. Yeah, and now? Recently, I showed my friend Chris O'Connor, who loves Tom Cruise. Road Dogg? Shout out Road Dogg.

Bro, you've never seen Jack Reacher? This is so good. We watched it within 10 minutes. I was like, dude, for real? My bad. I didn't know I was retarded when I watched this. What is Jack Reacher? Because this is for morons.

The new Reacher show on Amazon is much better. Dude, it's so funny watching movie letters. That's what Reacher was supposed to be. Reacher's supposed to be a giant guy. You know, Heat fucking sucks. Heat? Heat sucks. Heat rules. It's so retarded. I got a piss

during this moment of silence. I got one big heist in me, but, oh shit, the cops are actually trailing me right now. Well, I guess we can't do the heist. No, do it anyway. It's so stupid. It's so stupid. He has a dinner with the cop who's like,

I'm never going to stop looking at you. He goes, well, I'm going to keep doing this fucking heist. That's great. It was great dialogue. It's so retarded. It is retarded. Come on. He just wouldn't do it. And then fucking the Mexican is like, I'll go for it. I know, but it's like, I respect you enough to not go for it right now.

And it's based on the Hollywood shootout. But if somebody was like, hey, so you know, we're watching you. Don't rob a bank. And you're like, well, I definitely can't now. But that's how big of his ego. No. Yeah, but that's crazy. And he still almost got away with it. It's so dumb.

It's like, it's hard enough to do a heist. Yep. Also, every love scene they have with the chick. Another one better. Where are you from? De Niro's better. Nah. De Niro's better. Nah. De Niro's the man.

Yeah, it's actually acceptable. So that one's acceptable? Main Street? If you're talking about best acting ability, sure. If we're talking best acting ability, Tom Cruise isn't even close. It's the biggest star. I'm saying Tom Cruise. Because 40 years.

Philip Seymour Hoffman butt fucks Tom Cruise. Died. Couldn't handle his heroin like a real man. So does Tom Hardy. What? Sure, sure. Tom Hardy's Hardy. What? Sure, sure. Tom Hardy's a better actor. Sure, sure.

All those. Absolutely. I'm saying biggest star for many years. I'll be honest. 40 years. We're coming off like dumbasses. Obviously. It's all just stupid arguments.

It's all just stupid arguments. They're all great. You've got two drinks, dude. I've been putting these traces down. You do this every time we do this, dude. You do this every time we do it. And you have two sips. I'm pretty toasty.

That bottle's still full. Everybody go see Dog General on Netflix right now. Look around. Look at what we're doing. You sit around. This is water. This is trans fluid. Coward, man. Coward. Look at that. And I've been doing the eagle. We've all been doing it.

Way more. Give me another one. We gotta go on soon. Shane, there's only two more left. Let's fucking finish this. Uh-oh. Look at short shorts coming in. Is that Daisy Duke? Joe's ready to kick my suit. My sack would be hanging out of that thing.

What's that? Shit. What'd you say? He said, America, fuck yeah. Ooh. Let's go. Norman does this every time we do this. He doesn't get fucked up.

I'm going liquor. He hasn't had two sips. You've had two shots. I just keep pouring. I'm smoking weed, bitch. Yeah, it's good point. Yeah! No one ever gives up on weed.

All right, I'll give you the weed. You fucking homos over there not smoking weed. Ari and I are holding it down for the weed community. You guys want to do real drugs? I'm high as fuck. Let's do some ketamine. Let's get it from Duncan, the guy who made his tub. Duncan ketamine.

It's easy to make. Ketamine. Let's get it from Duncan. The kind he made his tub. Duncan Ketamine. It's easy to make. Duncan Ketamine is the best. You just got to make sure you got the right... Yeah, here you go. But Duncan, do you make sure? You're playing the music. I don't know. I fucking completely froze.

Way to bail on that, McConnell. I fucking completely froze. McConaughey is better than Tom Cruise. I mean, green is... The right mixture. Whatever happened to McConaughey? Didn't he run for mayor? McConaughey had rules.

No, no, no. He was going to run for governor, and then he walked. He said he went to run the MLS. Yeah, why would I want to be a politician? Jesus Christ. I'll be a hot guy. He can help people just, like, talking. Yeah, just being cool.

He's so fucking cool. Yeah, being a good guy. Did he get hair plugs? Go. I hope so. Yeah. You guys want to know why I hate Tom Cruise? Why do you hate Tom Cruise?

Why do you hate him so much? Because Valkyrie, I love Hitler. Oh, Jesus Christ. That's why. He was anti-Hitler. I was watching that movie. I was like, get this treacherous son of a bitch. Norman going for the whole thing this one time?

Valkyrie rules. Norman going for the whole thing this one time? Norman? Please, Mark. Please, Mark. Please, Mark. Yeah. Good job, Marcus. Good for you.

Good for you, boy. Yes, and then the watch goes off. This is always fun. We have a fun time. It's a good time for comedy. We have a great fucking time. Everybody go watch Shane Gillis' special on Netflix right now. Mark Norman's special is also on Netflix.

You're wrapping it up. I guess so. Should we get the fuck out of here, or should we keep rolling? Fucking game. Give me that fucking eagle after you, bro. It's about to eat. Let's get a bite. I haven't eaten today.

You ate. No, we did eat. We did eat. Here's a lie. Oh, you know. Okay, I did eat. I forgot we ate. That was 12 hours ago.

It wasn't a while ago. What time is Kill Tony? Kill Tony never existed. It's 8 o'clock. We've got an hour and 15 minutes. But we can show up late. That'll start late. We've got some tacos in us.

Have you guys talked to Tony? Has anybody talked to Tony? Yeah. I haven't looked at my phone. Today? About what? About whether or not he knows you're coming. He knows we're coming.

He's got 78 guests. Ric Flair, the other guy, Post Malone. Yeah. Who knows anymore? Post Malone, that's what I call the years after cheers. That was a deep one. Jesus Christ. Post Malone.

That's not bad. One eagle put me over the edge. That's what I needed. Getting into a deep bar argument about who makes the best actor or something. Post Malone. Screaming about something. Oh my God, people will scream at it. Is Barry Sanders, Emmett Smith better?

Some dumb shit like that, but screaming, because there's no right or wrong. I know, that's what happens. It's the best. You get a little drunk? I've been in several bar fights about Tom Cruise. I'll kill you. Have you seen Serpico? Great movie.

Yeah, great movie. You know what I'm saying? That's like the kind of bar scene argument. Have you seen Serpico? Al Pacino makes up lines and screams gibberish. All he does is scream. Oh, I know what you're like. Because she's got a...

Big ass! Sensible right up in it. That's a shit movie, Sensible Woman. Shit movie. He's driving a Ferrari blind. Yeah. Oh, Sensible Woman. Shit movie. That's a shit movie. Ferrari blind. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Doesn't hit anything. Irishman, you can watch him fuck up a line, and they just kept it. Well, no one made it to that part of the movie. He's in the middle of a speech, and then he's just like, you're fucking. You're fucking. Keep fucking. What happened Are you sure

It wasn't just like Trying to be A really frustrated guy Dramatically No no no That's what I mean I think they kept it As far as like

This is how people Actually talk Right But I think You fucked up I don't know anything But I will say I think Pacino

And Jack Have been making up Their own lines For a while. They got big early on Goodset, and then they went and leave. If you watch The Departed and pay attention to anything Jack says that entire movie. Oh, you cheesy rat. This is gibberish start to finish.

He's just like, you're a celebrity, I'll take that. No tiki, no laundry. Yeah, he throws cocaine on the girl's pussy. He's like, don't move until you feel numb, bitch. Oh, my God. They let him go. Never in a million years of coke ads would someone do that. When the body's in the mosh.

That's the best part. The accent's horrible. Must have been a big fucking dog. Let me hear this. You got a cheese-eating rat. And it brings up questions. Cruise couldn't have done this. Coke out of a roll. Cruise couldn't have done this. Coke out of roll.

Could have never done this. I would love to see Cruise coked up. Leo rules. Why don't you stay in the bar that night I got you? Oh, the accent's bad. Bad. Social security numbers. Everybody's fucking numbers.

Still such a good performance. movie fun movie great movie yeah they have the neighbors grad internal affairs one of the best okay he looks young fucking rat he was growing. He was still hot. He's gotten a little bloated. Yeah, because he's old now. He's ancient. Who? No, he's probably 50.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I'm talking about Leo. He was an easy writer. He was great. Yeah, five easy pieces. But. Oh, I'll go. Matt Damon.

Matt Damon's pretty great. All these guys are great. All these guys have great careers. Matt Damon rules, dude. Matt Damon rules. He's a fun hang, I bet. Matt Damon. Matt Damon's pretty great. All these guys are great. All these guys have great careers. Matt Damon rules, dude. Matt Damon rules. He's a fun hang, I bet. Matt Damon rules. But come on.

No, he's not in the running. He's not in the running. No, no, no. He is great, but he's not in the running. What about Johnny Depp? What do you mean Matt Damon doesn't have it? Johnny Depp has it. He obviously has it.

What about Christian Bale? Oh, Bale. He's got it. Maybe best actor. Maybe best actor. The machinist. It's like, who the fuck is this guy? Christian Bale destroys Tom Cruise. Yeah, absolutely. On acting ability?

For sure. I don't give you acting ability. I'm saying he's a big star. American Psycho? Jesus Christ. Batman? Fucking Vice? Vice is one of my favorite great, great... The same guy without prosthetics. Same guy that played American Vice is one of my favorite. Great, great. He plays fucking Dick Cheney.

Without prosthetics. Without prosthetics. Same guy that played American Psycho played Dick Cheney. Machinist was the best to me. He was gone in that. It sucked that the movie wasn't that good. Yeah, it wasn't good. Why was it so good?

He was good. The movie was great. The movie was like. What's really funny is every time I've had this drunk Tom Cruise argument, this is how it goes. You keep drinking and you're like, Christian Bale. Who else was good? Yes.

You settled down. Who else was good? Look at that. That's an actor. He went from bone thin to fucking burt fat. Yeah. Look at him. We might have talked about this on here before.

Vice is designed to make you maybe not like him, and in reality it just makes you be like, damn, Dick Cheney's the man. What's up in the theater? Dude, it's so good. There's a part where he gets- Andy Adams, wow. He gets a DUI.

There's an underrated dude. Sam Rockwell. Sam Rockwell's an underrated dude. Kill her. Kill her. Destroys Tom Cruise. Butt fucks Tom Cruise. Bro, that movie.

Shut up. They're crazy. What's that movie we played where it was only him? Moon. Moon. Fuck. Butt fucks Tom Cruise.

Not a big deal. That's retarded. Easy money. Shut up. Moon. Wow, these are strong words. But you're supposed to not like the movie and then...

It's fun. There's a part where Amy Adams is like, you better change, or I'm going to leave you. And he's like, okay, I'll just, yes, I'll be pretty good. His wife is like, you just got a DUI and a drunken fight. You're a big loser. I'm going to leave you if you don't become great. And he's just like, okay, yes.

And then he just takes over the entire world. He just becomes the most powerful man on earth. It's pretty sick. Look at that acting. I'm the CEO of a large company. And I have been Secretary of Defense.

Steve Carell's pretty great. Joaquin Phoenix. Tom Cruise. Top five. Put Fox. Tom Cruise. Shut up. That's crazy. Top five. Top five. Put on the Napoleon trailer. Put on the Napoleon trailer.

Oh, I forgot about Napoleon. I haven't seen the trailer. Going apart, baby. You haven't seen it? I haven't seen it. Oh, I've been fucking rock hard for Napoleon. Oh, my God. Let's watch this trailer.

You guys are awesome. I feel like there's no fucking Top Gun. Top Gun sucks. Top Gun's over. Fuck you. Top Gun stunk. Yeah, it's stupid, but he's so cool. Watchs. Top Gun sucks. Top Gun's over. Fuck you. Yeah, it's stupid, but he's so cool. Watch this. Look at that.

That's acting, bitch ass. This is a real film. Who cares? They're all losers. Ridley Scott, best director. He's great. His brother died. Scott Vrady.

1793 This is a fucking flick make an example our front will fall This must be a huge budget. Oh, what would you do with this assignment of defense was transferred to you? i promise you brilliant successes wow great director director number one yeah is this costume you have on this is my uniform banger bro i'm the match to be in live back i know right it wasn't that short by the way what is your name napoleon has the course of my life just changed napoleon been there i'm destined for greatness Been there. What do you think that is? Guys like him, Alexander the Great,

they just have a... an urge to take over. Yeah, made himself a king. Yeah. It's got some drive. yeah made himself a king yeah it's got some drive this vermin has held the world hostage with his egotism and his lack of simple good manners

you think you're great you are just a tiny little You think you're great? You are just a tiny little brute. There is nothing without me. I don't get the lady to evolve. He's nutting forces against me. What's the outcome of this if you don't succeed? Your Majesty, we are discovered.

Good. It's a trap! This is a good pod right here. Oh my god. I simply never do. Wow. Let's go, friends. Finally a movie. No more Marvel horse shit or mermaid or whatever.

Imagine Thanksgiving. Napoleon rules. They made him look like he rules. Napoleon does rule. I mean, now, after that movie, a lot of people are like, I like it. Do you hear what Hitler did? He was buried in a tomb in fucking Paris. They said they made the awning lower so you had to bow your head before you got to see his body.

And Hitler goes, no, build a series of mirrors so I could look at his tomb without having to bow my head. Well, then that actually makes Hitler rule. Yeah. He respected him, but he goes, I do not comply with your rules. That actually fucking also rules. He said he wouldn't go in when they occupied France to build a series of mirrors. And he goes, there's the thing.

Look at me not bowing my head. Take him down. Wow. Yeah. It's meth talking. It's meth talking. series of mirrors and he goes cocaine talk I think it was 56 which back then was no but he was always surrounded by grenadiers who were those big tall hats and they were like the biggest guys in the French army. Everybody thought he was shorter than he was. Imagine being alive back then, man, when people are shooting muskets at each other, just running at each other, shooting tanks at each other.

Fucking ladders coming up on the wall. Fuck, man. All warfare is hands-on. There's no planes, no tanks, no computer games to fucking blow up a village. No, no drones. Riding animals. fucking blow up a village. No, no drones. Everyone's riding animals. They're all riding animals.

Oh, yeah. Not to mention the BO. Boom. Can you imagine? What is this, Jamie? It's him looking at Napoleon's tomb? Yep. Wow.

What? Where are the mirrors? Look down on it. Yeah, where are the mirrors? Yeah, I think you heard an urban legend, dog. It says he brought a mirror to it. He said he what? It says he brought a mirror to it. He said he what? It says he brought a mirror to it.

Urban legends, goddammit. Him and also, he was a big, obviously, he was a big Napoleon guy, obviously. Yeah. And he was desperately trying to avoid what Napoleon did in Russia, and then sure enough. There you go. Did the exact same thing that Napoleon did. Wow. Anyway, shout out to Battle of Kursk.

Let's go. That's the big one. I never knew. I had no idea. That was the one that turned the tide. I had no idea. We're going, we'll do this now. We'll take out one massive superpower right now.

And they're like, you didn't, and you're fucked. I don't know if you got that right. I don't. Definitely don't. I don't. Ari just can't stop talking. Ari's just giving us a joke. Or he's trashed.

Did you drink Adderall or something? Isn't the Battle of Curse the one that was like... This Kill Tony's gonna be sloppy. No, I don't think so. I think I'm alright. How are you feeling? I'm a little wonky. Yeah?

In a rowdy stand-up set, Shane Gill's riffs. I love how he's like, riffs on his girlfriend's Navy SEALX. No, you heard a bit about it. I did this for two straight years. I know every word of this. Let's wrap this up, boys. Good night, everybody. Hey, that's it.

Bye, everybody. Let's go to the mothership tonight. Comedy. Comedy. Bye. bye everybody let's go to the mothership tonight comedy comedy bye