The Joe Rogan Experience - #204 - Amy Schumer

Episode Date: April 10, 2012

Joe sits down with Amy Schumer.

Experience. What were you giggling about? Earlier you were saying if you can't cope with altitude, that help take one of those pills. And I'm thinking about being really high up going, I can't cope with this. I'm going, oh, here's some new mood. Oh, it feels better now. I wonder if it would work. You never know because, yeah, when you get too high

and then if you took something, how would you know if you just got over being high or if the stuff took it down a notch? You'd have to be super experienced. It's too late. You know, and there's also like, you know, how much time had you taken off between that session and the last session? Because if you just take like five, six off and then reset yourself you can you can get yourself scary high yeah you know if you like like you don't realize if you get high every day that you kind of build this like weird acceptance and tolerance for the high state but if you step

off for five six days a week or so it'll punch you in the neck that's how i feel right now do you really yes oh sorry bad, sorry. Bad friends. Listen, it wasn't my idea. I told you to just do what your instincts tell you. It was like I was being hazed by. Do what your instincts tell you. I was like, I just got out of the hospital. You were like, your friends are doing it.

I did not say that. You guys basically said that. I would never say it that way. The kid was begging for weed. I was like, listen, your health is number one. I was like, I really, you guys, I just got out of the I really You guys I just got out of the hospital You guys were like This will

This will answer Your prayers It's good for people To just get out of the hospital It's medicine Let me ask you What did you You said you got

Food poisoning I ate a crab cake In Phoenix Like a dickhead Oh How does a crab Get all the way to Phoenix I'm such a

Like I'm like This is good And then I'm like I like knew Halfway through I was like Phoenix. I'm such a, like, I'm like, this is good. And then I'm like, you know, I like knew halfway through. I was like, huh, but I'm hungry. So I powered through like I'm such a fucking worthless. And then and I was like really excited about my show that night. I was supposed to be at stand up live and I was like all fired up. I was manic.

I was in the gym with my opener and my friend Jackie. We're just like dancing. I was like the show tonight. David Spade was going come i've never met him i think he's really funny and it's like cute wrestler and uh pro like wwe guy yeah and i was just like excited for the show and then i was like and then just vacating like every hole in my body was getting a ton of use and uh until uh and i still was like i i'll be able to do the show like showering and puking in the shower and then uh finally the the like club manager came over and was like um you are dying and uh they took me to the hospital holy shit yeah and the doctor was

like they you know put me on morphine and all this stuff and they were like no one ever says like so they took me to the hospital the The doctor's like, you fucking pussy. Everybody always has like the story. It's always. And then the doctor said you were moments away from 10 more seconds and you would have been fish food. No, we wouldn't have been able to help you. Literally one more minute. If we don't get her to the operating table right now.

The doctor said, had I not come in, I would have been uncomfortable for another 10 minutes. Now he was like, it's good that you came in. I might have had diarrhea. Yeah. But the thing is, when you're that dehydrated, you can't drink water. You just puke and puke. I don't know how people sneak it in, but they kept me overnight. And the woman next to me was so much worse than me. I felt bad for being there.

What was her deal? Like, I never saw her, but she sounded like an old black woman. And she was like puking and praying. So she sounded like an old black woman. She was puking and praying. She was like this weird kind of... Then she's being like, don't turn your back on me, Lord. I was like, bitch, he's gone. He is gone. She's definitely dead.

She's definitely dead. Wow. Holy shit. You can really die from food poisoning, right? Yeah. Is it really rare? Yeah, you can. You can really die from food poisoning, right? I mean, is it really rare? But I mean, yeah, you can. It happens.

I was in Koreatown the other day and it's really scary how many B's and even C's I think I saw in Koreatown. Like it's not normal, like almost all the restaurants. And I asked somebody, like, why is there so many B's and C's? And they're like, oh, because we don't have a connection. You know, like, like, you know, in Hollywood, it's like, hey, I got this. Here's some extra money. Look the other way. That sounds like some Korean bullshit.

Yeah, that's exactly how it is. Please. Yeah, we're not willing to pay them. Right. Like if it was some kind of scam. They don't trust our soap. Like, what does it take to close? Do you have to fail?

Like, are D's okay? I don't know. I've never seen a C. Yeah. I don't think I've seen a C. I think I saw a C. What has to happen to get a C? I don't know. I've never seen a C. Yeah. I don't think I've seen a C. I think I saw a C. What has to happen to get a C? I don't know.

Did somebody die in it? You have to just be the most mediocre motherfucker. If you look back at what a C meant to you in high school, I got C's in shit that I didn't even remotely try in. Yeah. They didn't try. They're like, I don't know when that's from. I think it's probably still safe.

We smelled it. A fucking C? A C? You get a C just by being there. Right. And like absorbing every tenth word. Just for having a bathroom. What the fuck, man?

A C? Really? And you're allowed to keep serving food? Yeah. Well, this was an A place. But they fucking. I wonder, yeah. Well, you know, if you go to other countries, I wonder what that would be like. If you went to Singapore and you saw those street vendors, you know, what do you think they would get?

Excuse me, do you know what your rating is in Zagat? They're just like, I have no legs. You're like, oh, sorry. Sorry, people. A lot of that apparently is going on right now with food trucks. And food trucks have become like an artsy sort of a thing. Yeah. Like there was a food truck uh festival at this mall near

my house it was crazy it was like all these food trucks pulled up and it was like everybody had a different theme you know there was a food truck that was just waffles this guy had crazy waffles with all kinds of different fruit toppings and shit and then another one was this you know like really healthy vegan one another one one was this wild Mexican. And it's like what they're doing is they're getting away with having amazing food but not having to pay rent somewhere. Right. I've seen those in San Jose and Austin. It's like a circus comes to town.

They just fill up. And it's like the trendy, we don't need a restaurant. It's kind of cool. It really is kind of cool. I don't want to like, what do you do? You stand there and you eat? Well, you got to, yeah, the problem is the lines suck it. The lines are terrible.

So it takes 20 minutes to get everything. It takes 20 minutes to get everything. But you get all these different, you know, you're wandering around and all these smells. Like you're walking past this dude who's making fresh waffles. You smell the hot syrup of, you know, whatever berry sauce that he's pouring on it. And then you walk by next to that and some Mexican dude is frying up some carne asada and you're like, God damn, that smells good.

I hate seeing cultures mingle. Woo! All those smells together. Just, you know, that's when you go to a restaurant, you know, you don't get to like walk right by where the food is cooking that close. Yeah. And you're walking by a truck. You're like 15 feet away from when that food is cooking.

It's too real for you. I love it. It's too much reality. I love it. I feel it in my bones. I think it's cool though. I think it's cool that they can be like, they can make like really cool food and they don't have to pay rent somewhere. Yeah.

They just have to get a truck, one-time investment, and tweet to people where they're going to be. Right, that's the thing. It's like speakeasy. You have to get the word. Twitter is so amazing. When you think about that, follow me on Twitter.

Here's where I'm going to be selling my burritos. Bam. And then it's like the cool place to go. Everybody's like, holy shit. Yeah.

That's a fucking brilliant idea that is brilliant and there's your screenplay contributing even more and yeah right david spade you said you know him right yeah i can't well you know what i just want to wait we just like kind of met so i've met him before you know i'm pretty pretty good friends with him um joe please i bet i'm sandler as well let's get them all together i know several famous um have you ever had someone try to pitch you a terrible idea? Yeah. Yeah. Or just pitch you jokes in conversation.

You're just like, oh, God. Oh, really? They try to give you jokes to say on stage? Yeah, totally. They'll just slip it in in conversation. Like, by the way, you ever think, and you're just like, please stop. Let me go shower. Oh, no.

My mom will do it. Your mom will come up with jokes? Yeah, my mom will. She did it the other day. She talked about how in the bathrooms, the automatic, you put your hand under the paper towels, they come out. And she just thought it was so funny to walk around the bathroom trying to get everything. And I was like, Mom, please. I'm never going to use anything you give me.

Please. That's hilarious. Because imagine if you did all the shit you would take? What if it became your closing bit? I'm like, I love my mom. Could you imagine that your mom would never let you let it go? She would never let it go. I made your closing bit, young lady.

I made you. How much did you make last year from doing your stand-up? And think about how much better it is with my closing bit. You're channeling my mom right now. Really? I just gave her an accent. Yeah, I like it. I just went with general cunt. Yeah, cunt in general. That's what it was. There was no race behind it. Just what a cunt I thought. Such a cunt. Does your mom harbor secret wants to be

I'm not calling your mom a cunt by the way. This is an artificial mom. I call her a cunt on stage. Oh. Is she one for real? But you know what? She's so cool because that's the only thing, like, the only rule she has for me, I'll talk about everything. Like, I talk about her vagina, everything.

Whoa. On stage. Whoa. But I won't, but she's like, just don't call me a cunt if I'm there. So what I say is, I'll be like, my mom's here tonight and I promised I wasn't going to call her a cunt and I'm not going to. And she's still after the show is like, thank you. Thank you for not doing it.

I'm like, you're the best. I love you. That's hilarious. No, she's pretty. She's pretty cool with letting me talk about whatever. It's one of the coolest things about having friends that are comedians. You could actually say that your mother might be a cunt and you know they're not going to be upset. Oh, my God.

Nothing. No comedian even flinches. I remember you did a roast and you said something about a Patrice's grandmother's asshole. I thought it was so funny because I knew that you guys were friends. Yeah. That was my favorite joke to say. It was really funny. Sarah Silverman wrote to me after that.

It was like after a gospel brunch like that was her favorite too i was like yes that was it was just so silly that you did it and it was so much like a bunch of comedians sitting around talking shit to each other i mean that is completely something that brian would say if you were eating breakfast right yeah when i fucked your mother's brown dirty asshole like we're so used to it we're so used to each other that then when we're out in like the world, I forget. Like last night I went up to the roof of my hotel and I looked around, I came out to the front and the host goes, he was like, oh, he's like, do you come in the back door?

And I was like, what? And he was like, the back door? And I was like, are you, I said, are you making like an anal joke? And he was like, no. Like what? And I was just like, um, are you making like an anal joke? And he was like, no. Like, what? And I was just like, it was such an awful moment. But I'm like, I'm not used to talking to people that that wouldn't be okay to say that in front of them. Well, could you imagine if that's the first words a dude says?

The back door? The back door, yeah. The back door? I'm like, maybe that's his. Anal, right? And he's like, no. I was like, oh, right. I'm disgusting.

Could you imagine if that was his hustle? And maybe it works. Maybe it works on like one out of a hundred girls. I would probably be that girl. You just catch her alone. You go to the back door. This guy knows what he wants. This guy's.

I think I'm going to let him. This guy's a go-getter. Get in there, boy. I could see it. I could see it. But no, he was like, no. Yeah, it's tough. Yeah, it's just tough to like be with normal people

yeah people get mad when we call uh regular folks civilians like yeah that is a disrespect to the military this country yeah that probably is a disrespect yeah we were calling them civilians before there was war yeah we've always called them civilians we call them civilians in the 80s when we weren't at war and there had been no wars yet in the 80s. No, it never had happened. All the other wars had been artificial ones. Right, the ones that, like you said, the conspiracy theories. There's been zero wars until this last one.

Well, could you imagine if you could get a culture and take everyone from age five and below, take them and take everyone from like age five and below. Take them and kill everyone else. So you take all the babies and all the really young kids that don't really know what the fuck is going on yet. And then you just give them a totally fake history. Yeah. Just so artificial CGI.

Yeah. Old writing. Everybody has it prepared. Yeah. And that's how the Illuminati really take over the world. What they do is they kill everybody but babies up to like four yeah i think after four you'd probably have some memories of some shit that went down you know but i think what you're describing is like what actually without killing people like that's what actually happens like everyone's just raised with

a ton of lies yeah there's a little that and they're just like unfolding it as you get older you're like oh that was all horseshit. Yeah, but I think that if you wanted to like really recreate a history, like create a false history, I think it's possible to do. I mean, it sounds completely ridiculous, but if you were in a situation like if it was like after an asteroid hit and a bunch of people were killed yeah and there was there was very little resources left and then someone decided we're gonna kill everybody but the children and we're gonna start society again with a fake history that i made up yeah which is

essentially like with joseph smith he made up a fake history right yeah created the mormons i love that that shit works so funny they had a whole. And they're all like so nice and good looking. The nicest people. What's the problem? I heard. I went to a Mormon funeral recently and it was the nicest, friendliest. You were allowed in? I thought to be allowed in that church you had to be Mormon.

Well, they were UFC fans. All bets are off. All bets are off. Are you serious? The religious people were like, they really love my jujitsu commentary. Oh my God. I just made that up. Oh, man.

That's funny. So the real answer is that Joe's a Mormon. But you did go to a Mormon funeral. Yeah, my friend who died. Joe, you're a secret Mormon. Their family's Mormon, so they did a Mormon thing. Yeah. Yeah, it was a very, they're so nice.

There's like one nice person after another. And even like when, you know, there's things like when people write their own speeches, especially like civilians write their own speeches. You know, a person who's got a regular job in society that's not like used to writing and having their stuff heard, their ego like squeaks out. Your ego will squeak out when you're talking about people or the past. And you know. Like what happened?

Like just, you know, weird shit. You'll find out like, you know, when someone reads and it's too long and verbose. And, you know, and it's like, there's people that, I've been to a couple funerals. I've been to a couple funerals, and the grossest thing that ever happens is when someone comes up and uses that time to talk about them. Yeah. And talk about their relationship and how good a friend they were, like justifying themselves to this dead guy. I think most people have at least a moment of that in their speech at funerals. I think it's avoidable. in their speech at funerals.

I think it's avoidable. I've seen, well, actually, like we're talking about it like it's a set, but I've seen Colin Quinn speak at two funerals and he does not do that. But I think he's the only person I've ever seen that doesn't even have a moment of it's about me. Well, Colin's a very aware guy. That's why he's so funny and so smart.

He's the best. And so observant. Yeah. He really picks things up. But what I was saying about this this funeral was that no one did that oh okay it was really about the person it was no none of that there was no because the last funeral i'd been to was a hollywood type affair and i swear a guy went up that knew the dead person for fucking like three months or something and somehow or another he got on the

podium and was like way over doing it and connecting this guy's uh funeral with the reason why the sun was in a certain position in the sky and the clouds had parted and i knew it was him it was him talking i'm like you fucking dunce get off that podium you stupid fuck you think you think he's he's the sun through the clouds, you retard? That is awful. How dare you? How dare you make me listen to your nonsense? You sit here and listen to this stupid fucking meandering bullshit that's poorly thought out.

It's so much more offensive at a funeral. Yes! Which is like, you are the worst human being ever. And then the guy used it to announce the fucking opening of his movie. No, no, no, no. Yes, he did. And he said, he tried to claim that this guy's death coincided somehow with the opening of his movie.

I shit you not. Which is on Blu-ray. I feel physically miserable. You don't know. We were sitting there. We were sitting there. And the dude, we knew the dude pretty well.

And we were sitting there. It was me and three of my friends who knew him. And we were just going, fuck. What is this guy doing? Like, this is crazy. This guy's talking about, he gave out the exact date of his movie premiere. Like, what the fuck, dude?

Are you serious? Yes. And when you go home, he's like, can you remember this day and go on Rotten Tomatoes and give my movie a good rating? And I knew when the sun parted through those clouds, that was him talking to me. Jeez, that is so offensive. What? Why wouldn't he just talk to you?

He can use his magic to make the clouds and the sun move. He can make the sun in a certain position and push the clouds away. He can do that, but he can't just send you like an email.

How about an email from beyond the grave? How about a text? Hey dude, I'm dead, but it's cool. I'm in heaven now. Would it be so hard to send a fucking email? No, you gotta like move trees

and shit. What are you gonna do? You know, you gotta cause a lightning bolt to land on people. Have you ever had to give one of those speeches though? Those speeches suck. I hate that shit. And it's so gross. It's not yourself. It's not your everyday person. You have to almost play a character where you're overdoing

almost everything. It's harder for comedians I think have to almost play a character where you're overdoing almost everything. It's harder for comedians, I think. Well, I don't know. I just cried and said some shit that I believed. I didn't write anything out. I felt like if I wrote anything out, then it would just sound like horseshit. I just tried to say as much about the person that affected me, what's positive about them.

And then we just gotta, you know, cherish our time. It's so difficult to think about the fact that your time is not, it's not permanent. You're only gonna get a little bit of this shit. And you could waste it. You could waste it with shitty thoughts. You could waste it with doing the wrong thing. You could waste it with bad energy.

And sometimes it takes like a death for us to realize that. I don't like going to funerals anymore. I don't like it. I don't like the feeling of being around a bunch of people who are mourning. I don't like it. There's been a few people that died, comics especially, where I'm like, I don't want to be around all my friends that are also fellow comedians and sit around crying.

I don't want to do that. I don't like it. I think it's harder seeing comedians upset. And maybe it's just cause I'm closer to them, but, but seeing like those guys that I'm close to, like when they're sad, it, it,

it, it feels so much worse. Yeah. You know? And, but it, it also like, I,

I like, I don't like the funerals, but then hanging out after and talking with them and just telling stories because that's what we would all want. If I, if I died, when I die, I like, I don't like the funerals, but then hanging out after and talking about them and just telling stories, because that's what we would all want. If I, if I died, when I die, I want, I want people to tell the most fucked up shit that I did. Right. You know, you want people sitting around like, oh my God, I'll never forget when he did this and went, because that's what we would want.

So it's like, it's also a good opportunity to just like celebrate the shit out of that person's life and tell every story and you know there was like a at least with um with patrice and uh giraldo like a like a good number of nights in a row where everyone just was going around just non-stop and it felt really therapeutic and like what they would have wanted they they don't want to they want people to be upset of course but you know like just talk about maybe some stories that nobody ever heard that i did you know did you uh listen to opie and anthony after he died yeah i went i went on they dedicated i mean like so many shows to him yeah it was great i couldn't think of any other show that would respect and uh honor one of their favorite guests the way they did. Their brothers, yeah.

The way they did it was so beautiful. I love them. I mean, they're the best. They're the nicest fucking guys. I love those guys. It's the best, easiest radio show to do. And fucking hilarious. In history.

Hilarious, smart. You know, like they're not comedians, but they are just as fast and they kill me. Anthony's a fucking brilliant guy. He kills me. He knows weird shit about weird things and he's, you me. Anthony's a fucking brilliant guy. He kills me. And he knows weird shit about weird things. And he's, you know, he's a fascinating guy. And Opie is too. Opie knows how to move a fucking show. Goddamn Norton.

Yeah, Norton is my, I believe he's the funniest guy on radio. I really do. Nobody makes me laugh consistently more than him. He's made trannies acceptable. I know, like you. Have excessive trannies. He you have access to trannies he'll just say to me and it doesn't i am so unfazed i don't know what would phase me at this point but he'll just it'll just be some story about like fucking a tranny and i'm just like

like while we're eating eggs and i'm like you block it off like a bad childhood molestation you're like yeah all right she sounds like she really gets you jimmy nobody else has ever been able to pull off the whole tranny thing. But you know what? Also, people are like, well, you know, they like ask for advice, like comedy advice. And just going on the road with Jimmy and Attell, no, they work so fucking hard. They're not like just sitting around doing dog shit all day, like Googling themselves. They're like writing and thinking.

And, you know, it's like they work harder than anybody. Well, especially when you're on the road and you're trying to piece together a new act. Yeah. Which I know Jimmy's had to do a couple times recently. Oh, yeah. Because whenever you put something out, you got to start all over again. Yeah. I saw him in Austin about a year ago and it was all shit I hadn't seen before and it was

fucking great. Oh. It was so funny. So fun to watch. And I said to him, I said, I was so happy I saw it and before and it was fucking great. It was so funny. So fun to watch. And I said to him, I said, I was so happy. I saw it and I enjoyed it so much because sometimes I feel self-conscious and I have so many dick jokes. You have to pick and choose like which are my best.

I have like so many dick jokes. Yeah. But with him, every other joke's a dick joke. It's all dick. But he finds a different way that you're like, okay, I think we can take one more dick joke. I also realize that I'm very childish in my sense of humor. My favorite comedians are Joey Diaz. Joey Diaz is my all-time favorite.

It's like the one guy who makes me laugh the most. And then everyone else, it's like their most childish shit. Yeah. You know? Oh, yeah. The dumbest. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm the same. I like my shit childish. Me too. The dumbest shit. Yeah. You know. Oh yeah. The dumbest. Yeah. Yeah. I'm the same. I like my shit childish. Me too. The dumbest shit. The simplest. So when Norton's talking about someone sucking hogs and laughing like a little silly high school kid. Or even what he calls someone like if he'll just use some like old timey. I felt like a real maroon. You're like what? Like no one talks like that. Yeah he's so funny that he's made having sex with tranny's an acceptable thing that could be a scandal that could ruin your career he doesn't

give a zero apologies zero he doesn't give a shit that's a really original thing and it's like just really isn't it what that yeah how original is that well eddie is there norton i don't think eddie is there a sex with tranny's he like, that's pretty badass to wear. Didn't he do stand-up in drag? Yeah, I think that was more of a gimmick than anything, because I don't even think he discussed it, did he? And now I don't think he's into talking about it. Yeah, but I mean, he didn't discuss the fact that he was wearing women's clothes.

Oh, he didn't? I don't think so. I think he just went on and, I could be mistaken. Yeah. Someone will correct me on Twitter, but I thought that was the thing, was that he would just go on stage and do his whole act dressed could be mistaken. Yeah. Someone will correct me on Twitter. I'm sure I know. But I thought that was the thing was that he would just go on stage and do his whole act dressed like a woman. Yeah. Just like to freak people out or call attention to himself.

I didn't used to think that, you know, I didn't think about that guy, positive or negative, until I watched some documentary about him running all the way across the UK. Oh, my God. It was insane. Jeez. The fucking guy wasn't even in shape. And he did like a marathon a day. He did like 26 miles every day

and his feet were falling apart and massive blisters and everything was open and infected and he just would tape it up and the next day he'd run a fucking marathon. That's a special kind of crazy right there. What are you running from, Eddie? No, well he was running for a charity. charity and if he if he got well now i'm a dickhead and as you're like actually he was

running for kids with aids i'm like fuck them i'm telling you it was really impressive i mean it was really impressive this fucking guy ran he like does his act in arabic and french also does it really he's like i don't i don't know i don't know. I don't understand. Wow. Yeah, there's some humbling people out there, right? Yeah, I guess. Dude rants. I guess. I haven't met him, but they gotta be out there somewhere. I'll meet somebody that'll shut me the fuck up, but not today.

I'm gonna be honest. Never met anybody who comes close to me. Born on the best. Right here. Every time, knocking it out of the park. The funniest thing is there's someone out there that thinks that way. There's a lot of people. We know a lot of people like that.

I'm nothing, bro. I'm the best. The best. I could fix this whole country. Bro. They're doing it wrong. I'll fix NASA. I'll fix fucking Rick Santorum.

Oh my God. I'll fix them all. And you're like, yeah, you're the best. The best. You're the best. You know what I watched the other day? The Best of the Best. Have you ever seen The Best of the Best?

It was an Eric Roberts movie from like 1989. Oh, my God. What is it? It's a karate movie. They're in a karate tournament with some other dudes. And, you know, they have all these crazy karate fights. Did he learn how to do karate? Very rudimentary movements.

Oh, come on, Roberts. That's what happened to him. That's why he disappeared for a while. Yeah, I mean, it doesn't look like he really learned. It's not like, you ever see like Michael Jai White? You ever see that guy? The guy who played Mike Tyson in that movie about Tyson? No, I didn't.

He was Spawn. You ever see the movie Spawn? I haven't seen any of these movies. Big, muscular black guy. Did you ever see 27 Dresses? No, I didn't. He was Spawn. You ever see the movie Spawn? I haven't seen any of these movies. Big, muscular black guy. Did you ever see 27 Dresses? No, what are we doing? I'm just kidding. Is this the movie?

I'm totally kidding. Yes, this is it. Dude, this is such a terrible, terrible movie. I've never even heard of it. Yeah. Tommy Lee, they couldn't come up with a different name? Nah. I think this was before Tommy Lee was famous.

You know, back then Tommy Lee was still in Motley Crue, but I bet this was before Tommy Lee was famous. You know, back then Tommy Lee was still in Motley Crue, but I bet a lot of people didn't know. James Earl Jones. Yeah, James Earl Jones. A lot of good people are in it. There's the 80s token hot chick with the 80s hair. There's a bunch of respectable actors in this movie. This is one of the reasons why it's

such a hunk of shit. This guy went on to open a C-rated restaurant. A Korean barbecue, perhaps? This guy's knocking it off the charts. This isn't a scene with Eric Roberts, unfortunately. Because these guys probably actually know martial arts. Watching Eric. Eric Roberts was my favorite on Celebrity Rehab.

Did you ever see that? I didn't see that one. what was his deal like what was his drug just pot that's it what a fucking so he was come on his agents like uh in the morning he'd be like looking at the paper twiddling his little foot around yeah drinking a cup of coffee other people have shakes and they're like my family isn't talking to me. He's like, I'm a little hungry. Other people are like, I just gotta go outside and meet some friends real quick. Yeah.

Oh my God. He's like, oh, come on, stay with the program. I'm gutting it out. He escapes. I'm gutting it out. He escapes

and goes to Chipotle. That's all. You can't get off your morphine? I'm gutting it out. I haven't even touched weed. I haven't touched weed in three days. Oh, you're so strong. You don't think I'm in pain right now, man haven't even touched weed. I haven't touched weed in three days. Oh, you're so strong.

You don't think I'm in pain right now, man? You're so strong, Eric. You don't think I'm hurt on the inside right now? Don't turn your back on me, Lord. It became some weird therapeutic thing where he had his stepson and his stepson came on the show. Oh, my God. I don't know about that. The stepson hated him for how he treated him.

Like, oh, God damn. I don't know about that. The stepson hated him for how he treated him. Like, oh, God damn. Too much. Well, you know, you realize, and this is a reality of a lot of, there's a reason why a lot of people, famous people's kids become crazy. Yeah. It's because when you're like a movie star, you go places for months at a time. Right. You know, if you're Eric Roberts, I mean, I guarantee you that guy had to go places

when that guy was a kid. I mean, I don't know if he took his family with him. I don't know how he rocked it. But a lot of people just go places. I know folks that leave their family behind for months. It seems like that's how it used to be. But now everybody's so aware and sensitive. I can't believe that shit still happens. Oh, it still happens for sure. Yeah. I think it happened a lot, though, back in the day. I mean, there's a lot i mean i don't want to name any names because i'm not trying to judge well like who are you talking about i'm just looking at it objectively like when you look at all these famous kids of uh say like people who are famous in the 70s and 80s then their kids become adults and complete fuck-ups there's a goddamn laundry list of them

it's a big almost all of them. It's a big... It's almost all of them. Yeah. It's incredible. Yeah. So you got to think like, what happened there? How did this go wrong?

How can this be avoided? Right. You know, this is... Something's going wrong here and the mechanism of raising a human under this job. What is it? Is it the distance, the time away?

Is it the unfair and weird treatment that you get? Just having a parent that's a huge narcissist probably isn't awesome. Yeah, that probably isn't awesome. Yeah. It's probably not the best. Do you remember Mommy Dearest? Yeah. What a fucking scary movie that was.

God damn it, that movie scared the shit out of me. That Faye Dunaway is a badass bitch. So good. God damn, she was a badass bitch. You believed it with every fucking ounce of your soul. Wait, Faye Dunaway, a badass bitch. So good. God damn, she was a badass bitch. You believed it with every fucking ounce of your soul. Wait, Faye Dunaway, wasn't it Joan Collins? Which one? Faye Dunaway.

Oh, Faye Dunaway was Chinatown, right? Yeah. Who was, which one? No. Wasn't it Mommy Dearest? Was it Joan Collins? I don't think so. I thought so.

Yeah, Faye Dunaway was like, wasn't she like Bonnie and Clyde? You might. No, well, I think she was. No, Yeah, Faye Dunaway was like, wasn't she like Bonnie and Clyde? You might, no. Well, I think she was. No, it's Faye Dunaway. Was in Mommy Dearest? Yeah, Faye Dunaway is Mommy Dearest. Yes, oh yeah. Oh, it's about, it's about Jones. I know you remember this. Of course it's Faye Dunaway. Look at that shit.

No more wires! Oh my god, oh my god. If you haven't seen this movie and you want to know how crazy actresses really are capable of being, this is a real... Did she win an Oscar?

She must have. Oh, she had to. She must have. She went, she did it. She went deep. If she didn't win an Oscar, the Oscars are bullshit. If she didn't win an Oscar for that...

I'm moving to Canada if she didn't win an Oscar for that. Right now. I won't move to Canada. Get my bags. Brian. I'll consider Hawaii. I am at least going on a couple Oscar for that. Right now. Get my bags. Brian. I'll consider Hawaii. I am at least going on a couple days to St. Lucia.

Okay? St. Lucia? What's that? Oh, I just went there with my sister. Oh, it was an island or something? You went there with your sister? Yeah, we went to, I did not know that Sandals was a couples resort.

Oh. Oh, so you looked like those guys. Everyone just thought we were raging dykes the whole time. Wow. And we look like twins, so we looked like the most narcissistic lesbians ever. We saw each other at a bar like, hey, I like how you look.

Everyone hated us. Everyone hated you. Did you know Sandals was all couples? No. Has that marketing reached you? It did not reach me either. I didn't really actually know i actually have thought about like hey let's go to like an all resort thing where they pay you pay one thing you don't have to pay all inclusive we that's what we did and uh she's married i'm i'm single i'm not trying to hook up with like you know like an islander

um but whatever we but it was a hundred percent couples we were the only people and it was 100% couples. We were the only people. And it was really uncomfortable because people were either mad we were there or way overly talking to us so that we knew how tolerant they were of lesbians. Like, they'd be like, stop having so much fun, you two. And I'd be like, thank you for accepting our lifestyle. We're sisters. But we did everything. We were the biggest assholes We did everything that the couples did

So we went to all the dinners And the photo shoots Inside heart shaped rose petals On the beach We held each other I put some pictures on Twitter But it was pretty brutal I should have finger blasted her

Oh I fucked her She got good and fucked. Deep in that muff. Sorry, sorry. This is not just lesbian sex. It's incest. Incest. A lot of Game of Thrones.

Anything goes at this point. I just started watching it. I just started last night. How far are you? Just first two episodes. Oh, I'm jealous. I bought the DVD. I was at the...

Yeah, you haven't seen it? Dude, it's good. Did you like The Wire? I never saw that... Yeah, you haven't seen it? Dude, it's good. Did you like The Wire? I never saw that. Listen, bro. Get out of here. It's what Conan the Barbarian should have been. Oh, really?

That's what it is. The show is so good, I'm so jealous of you. They have so much time to work. See, when you go to that Conan movie, they had good intentions, but you can't tell Conan's story in an hour and a half. The real Robert E. Howard books were these long sagas of adventure and betrayal and sorcery

and fucking demons and sword fights and shit. In like two hours. You can't do that in a movie, man. No. The only way you're going to rock that is if you have a series like this Game of Thrones. It is the best. It's fucking good, dude. It's a good show.

At least the first two episodes oh no it gets better and better I want more I want more fucking supernatural you fucks yeah they really come hard with the supernatural well yeah come on you start off the whole show with that get me all roped up in your supernatural I want to see a little bit more of this give him a supernatural this is what I'm looking for a little less incest a little more oh see that's where we disagree i want more incest also no it's like the wild brother and sister fucking like i like being surprised like when that you're like what you're just like which by the way that probably is how they used to do it yeah oh it gets incest gets even crazier oh i don't even want to know and that's that's

reality by the way that's what people were doing they were fucking their sisters up until like a week ago i was in birmingham that shit is still going on i saw some eyes placed god knows where people are fucking whatever they can you know and if you can fuck your sister and no one's gonna know hey save gas fuck your sister where's that bumper sticker listen let's make a deal you want some dick i want some pussy i got a dick you got a pussy god damn why we gotta outsource i really wonder how many relationships there are like boy like brother sister relationships i bet it's a lot it's really like the ultimate form of nationalism no everywhere like if you took in the whole united states i bet there are a lot of brothers and sister relationships. Incest is the ultimate form of keeping it local.

Keep it real. Keep it local. Keep it local. Buy local made. Keep it in the fam. Local products. Really, it's a sick feeling, right? Incest is a sick feeling, right?

The idea that people would do that. Maybe that's why the idea of nationalism is such a bizarre fucking feeling. Does that make sense? Nationalism? Yeah. Someone really being into being from one country oh yeah yeah keep it local american made right made right here yeah play a little more there's a toby keith song that's made in america and it's all about you pay a little more but it's made in america

relax toby chill tobes i would like it if it was made in America. Isn't he Australian? No, there's another guy who is. Oh, Urban. Yeah. Keith Urban. I'm way up on the country. I wouldn't mind if things were made in other countries if I thought the people were getting paid. The only thing about America is if you buy a Corvette, you know that someone's got a pension.

You know that the people that are making her in the auto union, you really do know how much they get paid. You can find out. Yeah. You can find out. Yeah. You buy Nikes, you know, it's like some child, they bound their fingers so they wouldn't grow. Yeah, if you buy like Foxconn products, if you buy iPhones or a lot of other cell phones, you know, there's a huge debate right now. They're trying to figure out how to straighten this out in the eyes of the people because

they've had a ton of suicides and, you know, their thoughts are... Who, the workers? Foxconn, yeah because they've had a ton of suicides and you know their thoughts are the workers foxconn yeah they've had a lot of suicides so much so they've had to install suicide nets what yes they have suicide nets at the foxconn building and people will try to talk you through this so hilarious people like well statistically that's actually less than the number of suicides in the population in that area. And you're like, first of all, that's a ridiculous thing. Because what you're saying is that the whole time they're alive when they would commit suicide. No. How many people kill themselves at work? At work.

At work. In the place that they hate the most. Yeah. You're talking about a completely different experience. No, that's insane. You're talking about people that are living on campus. Hudsucker proxy. And they're throwing themselves off the fucking roof and smashing their brains onto the concrete to end the pain.

We don't see the connection. We can't find the connection. That is statistically less than would be had they been slaves. So sick. Yeah, it's weird. But that's the only way you're going to get a cell phone. They don't know. There's no other way.

I mean, they've tried to figure out how to make them in other countries. And I know they started making iPhones in Brazil. They make some stuff in Korea, South Korea, where they don't have anything remotely like what they got going on in China. Would you ever hire Foxconn for like a small job, like stuffing envelopes or something like that? Because lately I was wondering really how cheap it would be if I just had him do small things. Well, there's a lot of people that start factories in China. And they start factories in China. I know a dude who makes pool cue cases out there.

He lives in China. I guess, I don't know why you decide, but he's an American guy. Their manufacturing is good out there. They get good, skilled craftsmen. And, you know, it's way cheaper for them. And they can make a ton of profit, you know. And I think a lot of them get over there and they actually like it, too. So, I don't know.

But it's, I don't, I just don't, I don't think there's a way. They like living there? Yeah, they like living in China. I think a lot of white guys do. I've talked to a bunch of white guys that have been to China, and they say that Chinese girls are like, whoa, this is weird. Look at this white guy. I like him.

I think it makes sense. I think all dudes are going to wind up with Asian chicks. Really? Yeah. How many dudes have you lost to Asian chicks? Well, I haven't lost anybody. But one guy that I dated for like years is engaged to well she's Indian but that's Asia but it makes sense like there was like a

whole wave of like black chicks being like white women are taking our men and they like have asses or something but now it's like I don't think we're a real threat I think the Asian chick is where everybody's going to wind up It's like going back to an iPhone 3 to an iPhone 5 Yeah I have nothing I can't compete with an Asian chick There is nothing grosser than that white woman White women are taking our men attitude

I know The idea that you can't like whoever the fuck you like And that black guys are supposed to like you Supposed to like you more That attitude is the very reason why white girls are preferred by those black guys. Because white girls aren't going to be as crazy. They're not going to be as angry and, you know,

why this motherfucker got to go out with white girls? It's like being mad. Like, oh, if that card pulled up more, I could have, like, somebody else would have still gotten that space. Like, that black not want you regardless it's weird what race is how open that racism is yeah in comparison to the other way around don't they know we've been the other way around if it was the other way around and people you know if it was a bunch of uh uh white girls that were complaining that some girl's getting fucked by a black guy. Yeah.

You know, that would be, you know, that would be a completely different thing. Right. That would be like KKK. Yes. And that's just like, you know. Hate crime. It's interesting that you can say, like, why are these white women got to fuck on men? You can say that you're a black chick.

But I do think with, I have no anger about the Asian chick thing, but I do think, like, I have no anger about the Asian chick thing, but I do think, um, like I'm, I'm half joking, but it makes sense. Like the, um, guys gravitating toward them because just the way it used to be, like you used to be with a man because like he made a living and you, you kind of needed him and you looked at him like, I need you. Uh, and I like how you lowered your voice. I feel like that's how like women talk. They're just like, I love you.

Do you want dinner? Um, you know, I'm like, what about me? But Asian chicks, you know, they're from Asia. This isn't their first language. And they come here and they kind of need you. And they're quiet. And they have smaller pussies. Oh, that's a lot of good things right there.

What am I going to bring to the table? I've got zero. You're getting happy. You're like, I need an Asian chick. This Asian girl in high school. Her name was I don't know if I should say it or not. Her name was Konami, which is also a video game company in the 90s. So she was your name because he was trying to find her.

He wants her back in his life because maybe I've changed it to a different video game company but it was a popular it was an Atari huh it was a video game company that was popular in the 90s

her name was Donkey Kong no no but all the boys or boys the guys liked her because video games were really popular in the 90s

so she had this extra kind of glow to her and people because of her name? Yeah. I think you're crazy. And she told me once. Brian grew up in a test city.

The government literally would test the humans. It's true. They'd test them. And I'm pretty sure parts of his life were actually artificially created by the government to gauge reactions. That explains a lot about you. Yeah, he's like a test subject. I'm pretty sure parts of his life were actually artificially created by the government. That explains a lot about you. Yeah, he's like a test subject.

He got cereal that no one else got. I think you're failing the test, Brian. No, there's no failing. He is what he is. He cannot fail that test. Aw, look how sweet you are with him. That's true. He can't fail that test.

The government just wants to know what's going on in there. So Konami told me that their pussies are tighter because they kneel all day. Because they kneel all day. And it tightens up the pussy. Do you guys, do you mind if I do the rest of the show from the beginning? Are we crawling under our desks?

Do you mind if I just take a quick can we just move this mic down? Yeah, I don't think. Did you imagine if that's all you had to do? And women just found that out. So they started kneeling in business meetings. I'm on the subway like, oh, no, I don't need a seat. Just trying to keep Bob happy. It'd be like a big joke.

Yeah. You wouldn't be able to hide it. You know, like when you get fake tits. You can't pretend you didn't get fake tits. One day you're flat. The next day they're huge. Hey, I'm just trying to keep my husband happy. Yeah.

That's the same thing you do when you kneel everywhere. I't know is that what it is i don't know there's a lot of different reasons i'm sure forgetting implants yeah oh god i'm not doing it i think i'm never gonna get any work done you're gonna get any work done no um you don't need to well well i mean like i i drink so i'm probably gonna age like dog shit but i'm just gonna let shit hit the fan yeah you gotta just let it ride tara reed style maybe shave off a little off your shoulders well you have you have like it looks like you have like those things in like a suit jacket the cushions but in your shoulder but in my shoulder yeah it looks like what yeah what are they called the shoulder pads it looks like you have shoulder pads in your shoulder so maybe just get a little bit shaved off right there well i

play volleyball oh you're telling her to get her shoulders shaved off? Can you imagine if it was that easy? It's like, you've got too much muscle here. We're just gonna carve this away. Can you imagine like a pump stand golf to your body?

No, I played volleyball and I think like that it, I like how I look. Eat a dick, Brian. I was just kidding. All right, let's talk about your flaws. He doesn't like to be around women that he's pretty sure can kick his ass.

That's really what fucks him up. We had Ronda Rousey in here. Do you know who she is? No. Strike force, women's MMA champion. Oh, shit. She's a beast. I like those chicks.

Brian was like so subservient to her. I was scared to give her a hug. She's like, get over here. I won't bite. You didn't give me a hug. Huh? You didn't give me a hug. Well, I used to do it at the end like a proper gentleman. At the beginning You didn't give me a hug. Huh? You didn't give me a hug. Well, I used to do it

at the end like a proper gentleman. At the beginning, I don't do a hug. No. I hate that. I hate that. Where were you?

He was so cute. Oh. He was adorable. He was so terrified of her. It was like he was in the room with a tiger that he wanted to pet but he was too scared to.

Aw. That's exactly what it was like. And Rhonda, by the way, one of the coolest fucking people you ever met. She's strikingly beautiful. She's very, very pretty. I want to see a picture of her.

Can you pull a picture of her? Yeah. She's gorgeous. She's sweating. Do you want to neuter her? It's not even a debate. She's a 10. She's a total 10.

Yeah. And she's a killer. She was a women's Olympic judo medalist. She medaled bronze in the Olympics. I think she was the first woman to ever win a medal in the Olympics in judo. Shit. Is she married? No.

Did you guys, did anybody go for it? Nobody busted a move. Why not? Well, I'm married and Brian is terrified of her. Do you wear it naked or not naked? Eddie Bravo's getting married. I'll take naked. Yeah, get her in her underwear so we can see.

What's up? She's hot as fuck. Wow. Yeah, that's a killer. She's so beautiful. Oh my God, I'm in love with her. her underwear so we can see. What's up? She's hot as fuck. Wow. Yeah, that's a killer. She's so beautiful. Oh, my God. I'm in love with her. She's so nice.

And she's just like a badass. Can I see an action shot? Oh, dude, what's that? Press conference. She broke the girl's arm in her last fight. She got her in an armbar. She got her in an armbar. The girl didn't tap, and so she snapped her arm.

Oh, my God. I love her. Yeah, she's a fucking beast, too. She looks young. She is young. She's only 25. Damn. Oh, my God. Don't put... fucking beast. She looks young. She's young. She's only 25 damn Don't put I don't want to see her butthole Brian, please clean up your act. This is if it was just Easter. That's not her either That's me. Thank you

That's really that's but that's her to the right. That's her to the right of that I want to see her like an action down go down, but look come on. That's a hot chick It's hard to believe that that's a killer girl go down to that picture dude oh you're gonna do a video okay yeah i want to see her like fucking somebody up all right i don't think you're gonna find the video no let's do a highlight reel she comes out with a pink eon oh my god i love her what a nightmare a hot chick that could beat the fuck out of you when is is she coming back on, Joe? I love her. I don't know.

We'll work on something. She just won the title. I think I'd like to do this stuff. Look at this. Snap. Oh, I don't watch this. This is so stupid. She's broken a couple girls' arms.

I'm just going to look at you, Amy, instead. I'm going to look at your eyes while you watch this. Oh, what a consolation prize. What a shitty... She's a beast. She is. I love her. She...

Look at her. She's a badass at fucking judo. Look at that. God damn. And this is her singing the song also, isn't it? No, it's not. You asshole. She actually filmed and edited this herself.

Swept these arm bars. This is nasty shit. See, in judo, they stand you up way quicker than they do in MMA or even in jiu-jitsu. They don't really stand you up usually in jiu-jitsu, but in judo, they have to go for their submissions really quickly because once they get to the ground, they gotta get a

submission on before the referee gets to them. And she developed the ability to snap arm bars on people with lightning speed. And I don't think any of these girls are ready for that shit. She's so good at it. Everybody else takes way more time to go for shit. She's just got a few techniques, like especially arm bars, just completely locked down. And when you roll with her, it's almost just a matter of time before she gets one of those on you because you're probably not used to anybody having the kind of

submissions that she has where they just she explodes on you she's strong as fuck and she's super tactical look at that arm bar you see how do you see how watch that but just back that up a second there's like no space in between her body and that girl's face as she she moves around, when she locks this chick down, she starts beating on her. And as soon as she has this arm, watch that. See how fast that goes? Yeah. She swung that leg over her face. She knew exactly where her face was.

Jesus. Clamp that shit down. There was no air in there. That was death. There was no getting out of that. I just think she's really pretty. Look at her pouty lips. Yeah.

If she wanted to make out with you, would you go lesbo for a little bit? Yes. Yeah. You would? Yeah. Wow. for a little bit? Yes. Yeah. You would? Yeah. Wow. I think you'd have to. Yeah, I've never hooked up with a girl, but I get major girl crushes.

You never hooked up with a girl, but you're open to the idea. Do you want to? I hope I at least hook up with a girl at least once. I can arrange that. I don't want. I could let you choose from a book. No, I like girls like that. You're going to get crabs.

I'm going to get get crabs From this guy Oh yeah Oh yeah Mr. Lobster Brian I'm not letting you set me up I'm not letting you Mr. Lobster All you can eat

Me You're not setting me up With anybody Yeah I would say No don't let him do that No that's not happening Come to me I'm your filter

I'm gonna just I'm gonna be real with you I'm gonna I'm gonna be real with you About this whole lesbian thing I trust neither of you at all. Do you want to go camping this week? Not even a little bit. We're the ones who got you high. How can you not trust us?

I remember being like, I just had, I still have the bruise from the IV in my arm and you guys are like, you need this. And I was like, no. And then I said yes right before you blew all the smoke in my face. I could tell you were going to do that. I was like, just give it to me and don't blow this smoke in my face.

You guys are the worst friends. Aren't you glad you did it glad you did it felt good right you don't feel sick or anything no i feel fine this weed is so strong that we hot box fit simmons back here and he went on stage high and he couldn't remember his act oh i would love to see him high was he did you see it yeah i've been high with greg before he's essentially i don't know if he talks about i know he was smoking pot for a little while, but then he stopped doing that, too. But he went for, when I met him, he was an alcoholic when we were like 21 together. And then he quit it, like instantly. Just cold turkey. Wow.

Yeah. No AA. Did he have a, did something happen? No, he just decided to just fuck it up his life. Yeah. You know, he was pretty smart about it. But then later he realized that he could smoke pot. you know because if you talk to like a dr drew type character they'll tell you you can't do that they'll tell you that you can't what you can't

indulge in indulge in any substances yeah but some people even have you know like i don't want to ever encourage anybody to even try this but i know that some people used to be alcoholics took a long time off drinking, and then began drinking casually. Really? Yes. Like more than one people? Yeah. Well, I think there's different levels of alcoholism.

That's what we have to realize. I think there's some physiological connections. Like there's some people, they just have that gene, whatever that wacky gene is, and they can't drink at all. Or they will go off. They'll go off the rails. And then there's other folks that it was a compulsion, and it could have been beating off. It could have been gambling. It could have been a million different things, but it happened to be drinking.

Yeah. And then they realize that this is an issue that they have with their own psychology, and then slowly over time they evolve it. And then one day they're at a party and they have a glass of wine, and slowly over time they evolve it and then one day they're at a party and they have a glass of wine and they're fine and they don't want to go out and get cocaine and beat people up and you know and wind up in jail. So many comics don't drink so like because they are you know. Because they went too hard.

Self-proclaimed alcoholics yeah. Yeah. Yeah I feel like most of the time I'm like the only comic drinking. Well I'm happy when I see a guy like Attell. Attell, Colin, Norton, Bobby. Attell seems like so focused now. But Norton has been clean, though, since he was 19. Forever, yeah. But I, like...

Very much like Fitzsimmons, really. Yeah. But I think Norton was on a bunch of different shit. Was he? I never knew any of those guys when they were boozing. I wonder what... I knew Attell a little bit, but I never saw him wasted or anything like that. Yeah, I've seen him wasted. I wonder what, even, I knew Attell a little bit, but I never, like, saw him, like, wasted

or anything like that. Yeah, I've seen him wasted. I've seen him wasted at the improv. Yeah, it's nice to see a guy figure out, well, this is not good for me. Yeah, this is probably better to not do this. Take this back a notch. Wake up in an alley. Yeah, I've always been, even when I was a drinker, you know, like, when I didn't smoke

pot and I only would, you know, drink on weekends or whatever I would do, it was never something that I had to do. I just could do it or not do it. But we all know somebody that's not like that. We all know that one dude that's just itching for that drink all day. It's not fun to be around them. It's the worst when they get off and then they start drinking right away. And they don't realize that it's not like that for you.

they start drinking like right away. And they don't realize that it's not like that for you. Right. You know, like I, my friend who, who's now sober, like we would go out and you'd be like, let's get a shot in a beer.

And I'd be like, okay. And then right away, he's like, all right, no shot. And you're like, Oh,

drinking's different for us. Like those shot people. I didn't even want to do a shot. Well, especially on Tuesdays. Yeah. It's just like those Tuesday drunks. That's,

that's a, you know, I'm more of a light beer Miller, light drinker, you know, like I'll just drink, Especially on Tuesdays. Yeah. Just like some. Those Tuesday drunks, that's a commitment. I'm more of a light beer, Miller Lite drinker. I'll just drink. It's almost like water to me. Yeah. It's just like. I like a beer.

Midwest style, I guess. I like doing shots, too, when we have shows and stuff, and we're just all being, hanging out and palling around together. Being wild and rolling out. But just drinking for the sake of drinking. I kind of got tired of that a long time ago. Drinking does facilitate great conversation, though. You have some fucking fun, loose conversations

when you're around a bunch of people that can handle their liquor. Yeah. You know, you have three or four beers and everybody starts laughing and being friendly. Right. As long as you're only around that. Right. But one person in the mix.

That's just a like just has that kind of zombie just difference it's it ruins it like i and we're so so sensitive to other people's you know like energy yeah that if there's that one person and and it's also the same kind of people where it's just like never enough for them you'll be out till four in the morning and you're like all right and they're like you're leaving now you're like yeah because i'm like an adult i'm trying to live my life yeah i really don't like the really pushy five o'clock in the morning party people there's an after hours i've been i've been doing that lately though like last week or so but it's just but it's just comedy store shit because comedy store they they go rocking all night long. Don Barris is on stage

just doing crazy shit. Once in a while, I think that's fun. Yeah. Yeah, but I don't know. That was always the best part about the comedy store. Yeah.

Late night, hanging in that back parking lot. Yeah. I mean, they said that back parking lot should be a goddamn sitcom. It should be. Is the comedy store

like the cellar? Like, is it where comics all hang out together? Yeah, not really because the ownership is a mess and the people running it

are a mess. But what the place is though, what it represents is like, you know, one of the oldest clubs in the country, one of the oldest in Hollywood, and with great history of like so many comedians. So many comedians started out there, and I started out there, really. I mean, I didn't start out there, but I got good there. That's where I became a real comedian, the Comedy Store, for sure. I had done it before that, but I think it was my time at the Comedy Store when I was

just on TV when I when I really started dedicating myself to stand up that that was the that's the place that helped me develop because it's so fucked up there Ari and I were just talking about this last night that you know he was talking about how he just started Ari's got like Ari Shafir's all these headlining gigs now he's fucking selling places out and he's really yeah yeah it's because of this podcast and his podcast it's just really what it was is just people weren't aware of him right now and and now they're aware of him now and I talked about him with Mike it's so good that's happened to you now because

you've been doing stand up for 10 years. He's ready. Yeah, he's ready. And he's been in front of the craziest crowds ever. He's been in front of my crowds, which are like UFC fans. Right. It was first it was UFC fans. Then it became podcast fans were just fucking savages.

Yeah. You know, and then it's the store. He's at the store in front of maniacs. I mean, it's the that is like the vortex Sunset where all the nutty fucking people come. I mean, Brian used to film people backstage. And then we filmed like a hooker came back and told us exactly how she ran her business and like explained some stuff to him. We had a guy come back that told us he was the Holy Spirit.

I mean, like every week we would meet some new fucking crazy person in that place. People are crazier here than me. They are really crazy. It's a different kind of crazy. That Sunset Strip is the epicenter of crazy in this country. That Sunset Strip. The homeless people here are scary. Did you ever see the dude at the store that comes by with the cross?

He puts himself on a cross. He doesn't come around anymore. Now we actually have a way better Jesus. Oh. He's a nice guy. Hollywood Jesus. Yeah, the Hollywood Jesus. Yeah.

They would have these kids, and they would all be yelling out different passages in the Bible while one guy was strapped to a cross, a wooden cross, and they were walking down the street with him, saying, he died for your sins, he died for your sins. He died for... It was fucking crazy. And they would always stop right in front of the store.

That's the perfect time. And proselytize. They would stop right there. They would figure, well, this is the place we're going to fix the world. Right here. We're going to find these fucking dirty comedians smoking pot. The worst human beings in LA. The worst entertainers.

The most depraved entertainers in LA, for sure. Stand-up comedians at the store. And they would stop by. That's the epicenter. It was a really, really bizarre place. It would have made for an amazing... They tried to do a reality show on it, but it was mostly just following Pauly around.

It was a fake reality show. Pauly who? Pauly Shore. Remember him? I saw him last night. Did you? Yeah. Was he nice to you?

Yeah. Did you guys hug or did you just shake hands? No, just kissing on the lips. What'd you do? How'd you deal with it? Did you hug or shake hands? Huh? Hug or shake hands?

Shake hands to hug? No, I think I just said hi. I don't even think I touched him. No touching? Ooh. Not even like a little... I don't remember, though. I could be totally wrong.

You don't remember? You might have been raped again? I'm not thinking. Did you take a dick last night, Brian? Sometimes UFOs pick him up in the middle of the night because he's part of the Columbus thing. You leave Columbus, but you never really leave Columbus because the aliens will come and do additional research on you.

So that's Brian's case. Like Columbus, Ohio? Yeah. Exactly. Which I'll be there May 17th. Yeah, you're going to be there with Joey Diaz. It's a Joey Diaz and Brian Redband world tour. Yeah, and we just had a second show because the first show sold out.

So go to Deskwell.TV. Oh, can I say something? My man's selling out. Can I say a thing? Yeah, go ahead. Say your thing. What's up? I don't know.

I'm looking at my phone calendar. Your phone calendar. I am. Should I go to your website? Oh, I've got it. Okay. Tampa next weekend. Ooh. And then works oh my god the weekend of the 27th oh dude you have a cool site it's you look with my black eye and a black eye and once a month this is my favorite thing i've got going on i'm at the

riviera at the starlight room uh yeah i've got once a month i'm there friday saturday sunday oh that's fun i love i'm like loving vegas wow that's fun. I love, I'm like loving Vegas. Wow. That's crazy. Do you think you could be like one of those, like, you know, I'm telling you, what was that woman who was the, Rita Rudner? Yeah. Does she still have a thing there?

Yeah. She still has a thing there. Rita Rudner was always like, kind of like, you know, she was a headliner, a national headliner. But when she settled down in Vegas and like, like only did a show at this one place, that's when I think she started making crazy money. I'm loving the crowds. Like it's the RIV.

How long have you been doing it? I've done two weekends already. Really? Yeah. And it's been great. So you do one weekend out of the month? I do one weekend a month. It's me headlining.

Their marketing is Amy Schumer's Slaughterhouse. And it's me, Jackie Monaghan, and then one other female comic. Like a Nikki Glaser, Rachel Feinstein. That's fucking awesome. Yeah. It's a fun show. It's like this old-timey theater. The Starlight.

Do you have every single weekend marked off? Like what if something comes up? Like what if. They've been cool about like I'm filming a special. They were like no problem. Just change it. Oh. Yeah.

Well that's great. Yeah. I love it. Like I'm loving it. So it's once a month. Is it like the last weekend of every month or something? No. It's like kind of all over the map.

All over the map. Yeah. And so people can follow this on Twitter? Yeah. On Twitter. Or it'll be on my site on your twitter page yeah is there a twitter page just for that show not yet but there will be it's like a new like it went really well the first two weekends um because right now i'm splitting it

with dice oh he's there he's supposed to do the podcast i gotta get a hold of him yeah he's there uh when i'm not there and maybe like like, I think, and Gilbert Gottfried. Oh, yeah, really? I love Gilbert. Yeah, but it's been cool. I'm digging the shit out of Vegas. Wow, that's crazy. Yeah.

You're going to be a Vegas girl. What do you dig about Vegas? The hookers? The meth? No, like I don't like big crowds or like people drinking for the first time. But like, I really like the Sunday show. I've been there a couple days during the week now and vegas is very cool not on the weekends what is it like it's like locals yeah

everyone is like very chill and they're like okay now we have our world back uh yeah it's a totally different vibe it's really wow it's like nice it's a crazy goddamn city yeah it's a crazy goddamn city. Yeah. It is a crazy goddamn city. To have a city where everything stays open 24 hours a day, strip clubs, food, booze, cabs, keep moving, stay up. You need coke? I got coke. Everything. Boom, boom, boom. I didn't even know I needed that.

Yeah. You didn't even know you needed it until you got it. I didn't know I needed coke or a tranny. Norton should move there. No, I, but it's like every night All the girls Like They're all like These young girls Squeezed into these Tube dresses

And the heels Are so Like And they've They're just walking Like They look so Uncomfortable

Yeah They don't even know What they want They don't know They're putting their ass In a catapult Spreading their legs And just launching

That vagina At the crowd Launching it at the enemy But there's no way to do it It's like everybody's splitting. Like there's 10 girls in a hotel room. Yeah, there's always that. And the dudes are all just like so psyched wearing their,

they're just like, fuck yeah. Men with perfume on and shit. What do you think about cologne? What do you think about when you're about to make out with a guy and you smell some artificial smell on him? I like a guy's smell, normal smell, but I don't mind some Old Spice. Old Spice.

I don't know. How many dudes do you think bought 50 cents cologne? I still wear cologne, Joe. I know you're against it, but I wear cologne. Well, if I was you, I'd probably be into it. What does that mean? Needs whatever help he gets. No, no, no. I mean, I spray

little acts on my balls. Spray a little Axe on my balls Spray a little Whoa on the balls Squirt on my Body spray Before I leave Does Axe when you spray on the balls Does it sting

No I have no open sores like you Hey How dare you Nice I thought this was a safe I do not shave my balls I have shaved my balls

And then put aftershave on my balls Just to see what it would feel like How'd it go Whoa It was not. I'll tell you, it didn't really. It hurt, but it was more like, I would say more like a really alert sensation than a pain. Reminded you.

Yeah. Of each follicle. It was like there was no cuts, luckily. I didn't injure my balls during the shaving. No nicking your balls? No, there was no nicking. I fortunately had a really good razor. Yeah, the event is I like to see my balls.

The unveiling. I don't want my balls to be covered. And now my balls are so salt and pepper. It's so sad. That's so sad. It's literally maybe 20%. No, not 20, but 10. I'd say one out of 10 ball hairs is gray.

They look like the chocolate munchkins. Yeah, one out of 10 is gray. Little chocolate. Oh. And I'm like, they're going. Oh, whatever. Many is gray. They look like the chocolate munchkins. Yeah, one out of 10 is gray. Little chocolate. Aw. And I'm like, they're going. Oh, whatever. Many age well. So I don't like looking at them, so I shave the balls.

They're my boobs. No one's into gray pubes. Not girls, not guys. Yeah, that's not distinguished. I saw a dude at Runyon yesterday, and he had facial hair from here down thick. Like, he looked like a wolf. And he was walking with all these, overweight Hispanic chicks and like yelling at them. So I caught up to one of them in the front and I was like, is that your teacher?

And she's like, yeah. And I was like, what's his what's with his hair? And she's like, his wife likes it like that. And I was like, oh, my God. Wow. Maybe she's got a really hairy pussy and they lock up like Velcro. Oh, my God. I can't imagine.

And that's how she makes sure she keeps eating eat that boozy i won't let you go oh you let me go my mouth is stuck you think she's a spanked that boozy i won't let you go well i'm thinking if you know hairy box you gotta go with either that or lebanese i don't know how to do a lebanese accent we'll give it a shot no that's not no that's i don't think that's Lebanese. That's like a cartoon. Yeah, Brian. Hey, Ricky. That's Ricky.

The Lebanese will fuck you up, Brian. Be careful. Brian, you're making me sad. Those people are no joke. You're making me sad with your racist comments. Oh, my God. We're trying to promote unity in here. I'm sorry.

You know how we were talking about on the podcast the other day about these giant packs of wolves in the Soviet Union? Talking about on the podcast the other day about these giant packs of wolves in the Soviet Union. Somebody sent me a tweet right afterwards about a story where these 400 wolves had killed 30 horses. A pack of 400 wolves. Apparently, it's like from over a year ago. But he just tweeted me to show me how bad it actually got. There were pictures?

Oh, I don't know. They didn't have pictures. They just had the article about how they're hiring teams of hunters to go after these wolves. This is an unprecedented size pack. They usually, they go in packs of like less than a dozen. Much smaller packs. Fuck, wolves are like taking over. It's like Game of Thrones.

In the Soviet Union. That's scary shit. What do you call it now? Russia? Cancel spring break. What do you call it now? what do you call that big break what do you call it now Russia because Russia's only part of it right oh yeah

whatever it is it's like I think this is happening like up north and it's you know these poor people are just living up there

wherever it is it's north we can agree on that right fucking sucks it sucks to live up there and apparently the wolves are starving so they just

they just got together and they said listen all of us together I guess they figured it out. It's overpopulating. Six people, six wolves can't really go in and kill horses. They'll shoot you. But if there's 400 of us, we're going to get some horses.

And they're not even going to shoot at you because they're going to be terrified. Yeah. Can you imagine just being in the Russian tundra, wherever the fuck it would be, like frozen outside. And you look out and see 400 wolves just taking down horses. Oh my God. Instant boner.

It's a never ending story. Well, that was the thing about that Game of Thrones movie. It's like it really connected you with how these people had to live back then. It was a real, like accurate depiction.

No, Joe, that show's not true. Wait a minute. It's not. The White Walkers? It's fiction. Hold on. The White Walkers. Dragons?

I was watching it with Mrs. Rogan, and I was like, what happens if one of those stupid wooden wheels breaks? Do they have an extra wooden wheel? You move there. You start a life there. We're going to camp here. I'm going to find deer. That's it.

You just start eating each other. I was looking at how slow it was moving, too. And I'm like like that's real shit it moves like the way you jog yeah that's how people got across the country like speed walk I know

slow as fuck they were talking we've been traveling for over a month what yeah you have to bring enough food and water for a month

in this stupid big box that they're pulling on dumb wooden wheels and they're just hoping there's gonna be a road there when they get there we're so spoiled I was mad that the valet like wasn't ready with my car yeah back then what did you

have you had like a kingdom and then you had some roads that would go off into like villages and shit and everything would just be the same ground that was stepped on over and over again until it flattened out you know it's like from people walking, that's how roads are created. Right. There weren't like people doing community service up keeping the trail. Chris Brown wasn't out there picking up plastic cups. With a hoe. This is how you use a hoe.

Just in case you guys ever have to do some hoeing work. Like this? Yeah, just like this. That's not how I do it. You hoe different? What's really fucked up about that is that that's not that long ago. I know. Not that long ago... What's really fucked up about that is that that's not that long ago. I know. Not that long ago, that's how people lived.

They just walked around and got on horses and couldn't go very far. People are still doing it. And then you'd have to worry about the people from over there getting all their shit together and coming over here and fucking everybody up. You always had to worry about that. People were always looking to take everybody's shit. Yeah. It was like, can you please just promise not to take our shit

Like we promise we will not fuck with you Yeah when people The king would get there And they'd all get off their horses You just had to hope that the king Wasn't a fucking total psychopath Like oh this new king He eats babies

It's gonna be a tough hundred years That's the problem And that was it Kings can do whatever the fuck they want Yeah That's what was really crazy Oh god Back in the day That's how people that's how people lived and like groups of people are supposed to die out like yeah like species like there's all you know

the crazy like deep into africa who still they just like do not give a fuck what we're doing and they make like clay bowls and no one buys them anymore. But like we like outsource to help them. And but now we've gotten so smart with medicine and the Internet that we're just staying alive forever. And we're like, fuck God. Whoa, that was deep. Yo, dude. Who has a B.A. in theater? You just broke down the universe.

That should have been the opening to the new soul train. That's it. Do you think if you were king, you would just go around the village and pick a different girl almost every day? And some dudes. Or would you just find one girl that you really like? Because I'm a martial artist and I have discipline. And I would know that if I did that, I would go mad. Yeah, Brian.

Yeah, Brian. If I could just go barbarian style. I don't like that part of my brain. I like to keep that part of my brain under wraps. Just to experience different flavors. There's just like a total Neanderthal lurking that you have to keep in check. I got a wild chimpanzee deep in the back of my brain. Oh, God.

And if I'm in a hotel and it's on fire, that's when it comes out. Yeah. Oh, shit. You know what I'm saying? If there's a bunch of people in front of a door. We were at a hotel fire in San Francisco. It was 4.30 in the morning. And all these people were moving slow down this flight of stairs.

And I was seriously contemplating running over some fucking people. You just started stabbing them. Because I was like, you guys are not. First of all, a lot of people were on Ambien. I actually talk about this in my act because it's true. Where a woman was having to explain to her husband as he was walking down the stairs what the fuck was going on. It was crazy. And I was like, you fuck.

That happened to me once on Ambien. That happened to me. You got woken up? I got woken up fire in the middle of the night at the hotel. I was on Ambien. And I walked to McDonald's. With Abraham Lincoln.

Wait a minute, where was this? Where was this? It was warm out. Maybe Florida. Wow, you got woken up from a fire in your hotel too. How many times has Where was this? It was warm out. Maybe Florida. Wow. You got woken up from a fire in your hotel too. How many times has that happened to you? I wish I could wake up.

Once. Only once with me as well. It was like, yeah. It was really scary. Everybody was outside. Yeah, same thing as us. They were talking, but I was like on drugs. Brian was there.

It was Joe Diaz. Ari? Was Ari too? No, I think it was just, well. No, it was Ari. I feel Ari was there too. I know Joe Diaz was. Maybe it was Duncan. No, it wasn't Duncan. It wasn't Duncan. Either way, it was definitely Joey and Brian and I. Yeah No I think it was just Well No it was Ari I feel Ari was there too I know Joey Diaz was Maybe it was Duncan

No it wasn't Duncan It wasn't Duncan Either way it was definitely Joey and Brian and I Yeah I think it was Ari I think it was Ari And we were all outside And we're like

This is crazy man What did the ambient people Look like? They were waking up On the stairs Like people were Walking down the stairs Coming out of a blackout

This really didn't happen Like guys walking down the stairs Like what is happening? And the woman's like You're walking down The hotel's on fire. I woke you up. Where are we?

He would, like, grab the rails. What's going on? He kept forgetting. And they had this look in his face. Like, he really didn't know how he got to that spot. He would be on that spot. Shit. Yeah.

People have, like, crazy stories about being in the car on the highway and waking up and realize, like, holy shit. Oh, my God. What the fuck? Like, they don't even know how they got there. They're just driving. And it's totally legal. Da da da da. Doctors give it out like

nothing. And I know a bunch of people addicted to it. I know several people addicted to it. It's not good. I was addicted to it. Yeah, I know a guy who takes two. Two full ambience. Yes, he also takes Xanax. Like, that's not good for you. No, he also takes Xanax. Like, that's not good for you.

No, it's not. It's not real sleep. It's not actual sleep. And he's a very functional guy. You're in like a coma. He's a civilian. He's a hardworking businessman. Yeah. But he fucking, he has a stressful job.

And he can't go to sleep. He just can't go to sleep. Sometimes he takes two. He runs a business. It's a very, very complicated business, and he's long hours and takes work home with him, and he can't sleep, so he pops ambience. Two is a lot.

He does what he's got to do. Yeah, well, I think some people are just wrecked, and they have so much shit going on. They just need to shut it down. Well, a lot of people had to really readjust in this fucked up economy, too. Yeah. I mean, if you go and look at real real estate uh websites and like i like to look at houses just i'm fascinated by like you know what's

going on inside like construction of houses where wow that would be cool to live there what is it like to live and you know over by the ocean what do those houses look like inside um it's amazing how many houses on these real estate sites are all foreclosures foreclosure forecl sale what does that mean if it means that people lost their money they couldn't pay for the house anymore so what happens they lose their house they have to move out and the bank owns it and they get nothing the bank sells it no they don't get shit you get you get you get out on your ass you could have been paying for that house for 20 years it doesn't matter it's not yours anymore you missed a year's worth of payments and now they're going to take it from you i living in reneged on your loan i've like always rented and I don't have a

car. Like I don't, the economy, I've not, I know people are fucked but I've never had any money so it's never hit me. But it seems like really shitty. If you have a family and you're just like, what do you do? They said 40% of young adults between 18 and 34 live at home. Man, that's crazy. I would almost want to go back. Because all I really need is like, if my mom lived here, I could almost live with my mom.

Because I'm never really home. No, no, I'm never home. But if she, like, because I use it just for sleeping. Doesn't she drive you crazy? Well, I'll tell you what. There's nothing wrong with living with your mom if your mom respects you as an adult. And you love her and she's not a needy person and you can be around her. And, you know, you don't have to babysit her anymore.

Is there a mom like that? Yeah. My mom is a very easygoing person. If my mother wanted to move in, it would be no problem. Really? I mean, I think we all have to kind of take care of our moms at some point, don't we? I mean, where they move in. I take care of care of our moms at some point, don't we? Well, if I had to take care of my mom, I take care of my mom.

My mom could live with me easy. Yeah, so I think we're all going to have to do it. She's not going to, like, tell you what to do, watch over your business mom. Like, some people have moms that are, like, really, like, invasive, start problems in their life. I have friends who literally can't talk to their moms because their moms will start drama in their lives and start picking on their girlfriend or picking on their wives. Yeah. And they don't know how to break that habit. They've been doing it their whole lives, but then you get old enough and you realize that that behavior is insane. You form patterns in your head based on certain ways of behaving that you've always followed in these grooves in the past. And they can be totally shitty grooves.

I personally, when I was younger, had a bunch of shitty grooves that I had to get my own mind out of. Yeah. I had a bunch of like jealousy grooves, hater grooves, feeling sorry for myself grooves, like self-defeating thoughts grooves. But that's like totally normal and as long as you're interested in making yourself better then that's it right but you've got to recognize them and dump them you know that's what it is and some people don't and so

they find themselves an old lady you know picking on their kids you know yeah i've seen it it's gross it's fucking gross it's it's so awful and just like trying to make them need you like those mothers that like when their kids are sick my mom mom is like pretty, she's pretty cool, but definitely there's some bad patterns. But I can't even like really stay overnight in the same place as her. Wow. Yeah. It just gets too intense. Yeah.

Just with like some neediness. Oh, really? Yeah. Like I need a ton of alone time because I'm so used to being by myself. So it'll be like, mom, I need to like just do this. Like need to write this thing and she'll be like okay okay that's fine and then she'll come over and she'll like put a chair in front of me and read a book like in my direction and i'm like um that's crazy like do you know that that's insane yeah yeah yeah yeah some people don't get that no well everybody's got their own needs when it comes to time and space alone.

I don't know how I would ever, I don't know how I'm going to like ever live with somebody again. You can live with someone. You just have to make sure that you have, you respect each other's space. Yeah. You have to live in a place where you can, you know, have a little room away from them. Are you bitching? We could just shut a door somewhere. I'm a girl.

Yes. I mean, like, are you intense? Are you like throwing items around the house or anything like that? No. No. No, I'm, like, I want to be as drama-free as possible. I'm not needy. I'm, like, I need this much.

How many domestic violence holes have you made in a wall? Domestic violence holes. Silence holes. Is that your word for saying glory holes, Brian? No, no, like the walls that, you know, in a hole, like a plaster. Zero. How many have I caused? Yes.

Probably a lot. So you've seen them before a hole, like a plaster. Zero. How many have I caused? Yes. Probably a lot. So you've seen them before. So there's definitely some. I've had a number of walls next to my head punched. Yeah. Wow. Really? And you deserve it.

And you deserve it. I was like 20. You deserve it. Hold on. By dudes? Chill out. Stop yelling. You deserved it.

You fucking psycho. Because you're going through a breakup right now. No, no. I'm just kidding. Don't take it out on me. By dudes? By dudes. yeah. I dated a guy when I was in my early 20s, like when I was 19 to 21 that he didn't hit me

but I got hurt by accident all the time. What? Yeah. We had one night where we were like 21 like drinking a lot, like drinking martinis before we would go out. And it was like we were in love with each other and so scared of losing each other. And it was fucking wild and horrible. And one night he we were at a bar and I was like trying to make him jealous. I was like dancing with another guy. I'm 19.

I'm wearing like a tube top. I'm like, life is is amazing and he comes over and yells at me and i spit on him yeah whoa uh yeah and i so i spit on him and he like grabs me and like throws me out of the bar and chases me all over wound up like throwing me on the roof of a car whoa i ran into an apartment uh like just ran in like for help because he was like chasing me right and these guys it was like chasing me. And these guys, it was like, they were obviously doing a bunch of illegal stuff. Like these, I think it was like some sort of a gang. And, uh, they were like, okay, just, they hid me in like their bathroom.

And then he came there and was making a scene. So the guys threw me out because they didn't want the cops to come. And he wound up getting in a fistfight with them. End of the night, we're back at our apartment. We live together in Santa Barbara. He starts breaking glasses over his own head. And then I finally find a way to run out of the apartment. And he was chasing me with a knife, like American psycho, chasing me around our apartment complex. And I bang, bang, bang down a door. Finally, someone opened.

And I go in this apartment, and it was a guy. Who was chopping up a woman. i'm not kidding he i'd like seen this guy around our apartment i walk in he closes the door i notice it smells like shit like feces and i look over his wife is in a hospital bed she has no arms and legs and her mouth is cocked open oh no i'm not none like this is all totally true i've never like told this i haven't thought about this in years but uh and they call and i was like then i was more scared in that house but they called they called the cops for me and uh and yeah and i got out and moved back to new york did you ever talk to that guy again yeah we're back together no i'm just kidding yeah yeah we were we were kids we were horrible kids yeah but

he had a knife yeah he had a knife he was chasing me what was that about i don't i don't know he was drunk and he was really afraid of losing me so he's gonna cut you open uh i i don't i don't know what his plans were but uh yeah we we like um he's gonna give you a second cash he wanted a new hole um but it was like after him dating was weird because i was like confused by if a guy really liked me or not like i dated this really nice guy after him and i was just like i was like are you into this and he's like yeah i'm told why i was like because you've never like spit on me or threatened my co-workers like are you is there any passion here he's like uh what do you want from me but yeah yeah, so the way I feel about it.

Is that real? That's all real, yeah. No, that's not what I mean. Is there a real feeling like that? Like when a guy doesn't do anything crazy or violent that he's not really into you? No, that was just me at 22 being really fucked up by this relationship.

So that's why when someone's like... So you really did feel that? Yeah. Not just joking around for the laugh, but you really felt like someone didn't. I really felt. Believe that. Like you because they weren't spitting on you or weren't being violent towards your

coworkers. That whole next year, I was confused. I didn't think that the guy I was dating really cared about me because of that. And the guy I was dating, I mean, he really like did a number on me. He would like rip the shower curtain down when I was in there. Whoa. Did he do a number two? He would.

Rip the shower curtain down when I was in there. Whoa. Did he do a number two? He would. Rip the shower curtain down. I'd be like in the shower and he would like come in and rip it down and like point at me and laugh. Whoa. Like just crazy, horrible shit. And I thought. Well, you were living with a crazy person. I know.

It sucks. It was really bad. And it was like. But I was in love with him. So it's like. No. Did he have a big dick? But that.

Yeah. Did he have a big dick? Is that what it was? Yeah. He had a cock on him. Wow. Is that what it was? Yeah. Probably. He just rocked you. I was 20 and i was in love with him so it's like no i'm not but that yeah yeah he had a cock on him wow is that what it was yeah probably rocked you i was 20 and he was just he just knew how to make it happen i don't know what it was it was gonna make you fart it was 10 years ago no there was no shitting and farting brian i mean but i understand when people um like i really don't judge anybody who gets in some awful relationship because I've always been like a strong like I don't keep my mouth shut chick so I think like it could happen to anybody like you can fall in love with somebody who hurts you

well especially when you're 20 years old you're a child yeah you don't know anything right but I've never been in a relationship with any sort of even meanness I've never since, I don't think I've even said anything to anyone in a relationship that I regret. Oh, that's awesome. Well, you learned. Yeah, I learned. I was being chased with a knife.

At a apartment complex. Yeah, it was really bad. And he was really sick. I would feel like he would grab me and then I'd have a huge bruise. And the next day I'd be like, oh, he's going to feel so bad about this. Like I would feel bad for him.

Right. You know, never again. That guy's my holocaocaust he didn't feel bad when he grabbed you when you left bruises he would like can he would like convince me that it was my fault it was really like wow yeah I was like I was a kid how old was he my age wow yeah he had a good pep game are you one of those girls that bruise easy have you ever met one of those girls where like like you could just pretty much like touch her and then the those girls where you could just pretty much touch her and then the next day you could just go like this? Is that what you tell yourself, Brian?

You sound like maybe you're a contender. No, no, no. I've actually dated somebody that seriously, she could just put her hand down too hard on a desk and she would get a bruise right here. No, I get massages a lot. That's super unhealthy. That means she has some sort of iron deficiency.

Yeah, she should drink more water. And you should stop shaking her. And no more meth. No more meth. No more meth. Yeah, cut back on the meth. Didn't you have a relationship with somebody where you guys brought out the fucking worst in each other? Oh, yeah.

Just toxic. Oh, sure. Absolutely. Yeah, I've had those. Yeah, especially when you're young and you don't realize, like, what fighting in a relationship is. Yeah, you don't know what it is supposed to be yet. Yeah, and you, you know, you say shitty things to each other and you don't realize, like, God, what the fuck am I doing?

Yeah, you can't take that shit back. Yeah. It took me once to learn all of that stuff. I got every lesson in one, dude. Right. Yeah, I got lucky that I never had anybody that crazy. But it's fascinating to watch people, you know, when you get close to somebody, you don't know them very well, and then all of a sudden within like a month or two months you're hanging

out with them every day and you're like deep in their life you're like when you remember when you're young and you first start meeting people i mean that's essentially what happens right you like throw yourself at oh yeah you're like so codependent you don't even know you don't know how to regulate it right just like us and then you get into their life and you go, whoa, I'm dealing with a fucking hornet's nest here. Yeah. What is all this craziness you got going on here? Yeah, no more. Now, like, I met a dude recently and I was, like, trying to get him.

Cue the music, Brian. Oh, God. You got some sexy piano play. I hate when you do this. You met a dude? I met a guy. What does the guy do? Is he a non-comedian?

He's a non-comedian. Does he fancy himself to be funny? Everybody does. Ooh, that's not good. Is he successful? No. Ooh. No, but he...

I'm sorry, too. But right away, I just realized. Okay, Brian, you're fired. Brian, you are really not bringing it today. You're in a bad place. I'm not going to hold it against you. I support you. That was awful. This is not a person. This is in a bad place. I'm not going to hold it against you. I support you. That was awful.

This is not a fucking sound manager in a country that would have fucked it up that bad. I feel like you just got this equipment today, and he's just pressing it. He did. He thinks it's cute. What does this do? He's just pushing that retard angle hard and strong. So the guy is non-successful, non-comedian. Yeah.

Does he have a dream? Does he have a dream? What I'm saying is probably not. Whoa. Yeah, like everybody wants to be doing better than they're doing. But it's just like a general, I want to be doing better. Do you think he can be your creepy manager that steals money from you? No, I don't think he's got the intellect. No.

That's what I'm searching for. You're searching for a creepy guy to steal money from you? I want that guy that's going to just take me for everything. No. A guy who's just going to come along and be your manager. By everything I mean my bank. Make deals behind your back. Is that what happens?

Girls date guys. They become their managers. Sure. Sure. Why not? No. I just. What I'm saying is at 30 like meeting a guy now.

You just like see. Craziness. You're like oh no no no. Right. Right. And I'm not even going to fuck you. Right. Like I'm not. Let's just stop this right here.

Right. Strike one. Right. Yeah. I was in a party the other night, and there was a dude who just had these, like, uber douche vibes, you know. Yeah. For no reason. Like, you know, you just look at a guy and you go, wait, what?

He's like, why are you the worst? What's going on here? You know, there's a bunch of people I didn't know. Yeah. But he had a thumb ring. That's it. That's all it would take for me. Well, I have a wallet chain.

I'm really glass houses. I'm throwing rocks. I don't think a wallet chain is that bad. It's no thumb ring. He had a thumb ring, and he was wearing leather flip flops and a ponytail. And when he talked, he would over exaggerate the name of a country it's in mozambique you know it's like this really like overly enthusiastic then i found out that he was living off the alimony from a rich woman that he had married yeah you're like it all adds up it all

adds up oh this is hilarious it's amazing when you just see a guy he's like like a male hustler type character. Yeah. And I saw him. I observed him. I watched him. I followed him around because I was fascinated by him because he was fabulous. Yeah.

And he went over to these mothers and all these mothers were hanging around. Yeah. And, you know, he's a fairly decent looking guy. And, you know, he just goes over and tries to talk really seriously. Like, this is, wow, what a beautiful ensemble. What an amazing bouquet of flowers. Right. So sensitively put there. Just so beautiful.

That'll work on some chicks. Oh, fuck yeah. Well. Not this chick. A guy that is collecting alimony from a woman is not a man. What is worse. That is not a man. Yeah, and women shouldn't be doing it either.

How dare you. It just seems awful. Well, you know what? I disagree. Oh, you kids. If a man is taking care of a woman and she has kids. Yeah, if she has kids. Or if you told her she doesn't have to work, I'm rich, come with me.

And then she's like, well, give her some money to get her shit back together again. I think everybody deserves, you know, I don't think anybody deserves to be fucked up and on skid row or what have you if there's a way to avoid it where the other person could just be a decent and moral person. Right. The problem is breakups are so bad for the most part. A lot of times people don't want to help the other person. They want them to be a fucking homeless person.

So you need the courts to kind of step in. But that dude. But a man. But a man, bro. But like that dude at the party, like I've had guys that like that do well, you know, like some guys that are a little bit famous and you see how their their shit would work on somebody else like oh yeah girls like when you pay attention when you ask some questions and you see something about them they're like sincerity because we can just

project everything we've ever wanted onto the dude so but that but like that whole game like i wish that worked on me. You see it coming a mile away. No, you don't. Imagine how baffled you'd be every day, especially out here. But the male hustler approach. Gross. He was talking about cleanses.

He just returned from a detox cleanse. I was like, this guy is in a goddamn movie. This is like a Judd Apatow movie, and this guy like the new age. He's like Russell Brand in some movies. No, not even Russell Brand because Russell Brand is always funny. No, but I mean like he plays a douchebag. Yeah, but he plays a wild douchebag. This guy isn't even wild. He's just a mild hustler. Does that guy like himself? Or does he, when he's alone in the bathroom, does he look in the mirror and have to keep himself from sobbing? I hope so. You can only hope that guy hates himself if if anyone ever assaulted him on the street he

would just quit he would curl up in a ball that would be it just if you just said one thing to him he's if someone attacked him physically he would fall apart that's why i like when those guys are in my audience so this guy became my science project for the party which i which i did i i was i was thinking about i started Twittering about it. I tweeted about it while I was following this guy. And then I watched him talk to a young boy, and that's where shit got really interesting. Whoa. No, not like that. The kid was, I should say, a teenager.

The kid was probably like 18. I watched for 20 minutes in a bush. And they were talking about things. And, you know, the guy was doing his sort of smoldering thing with them and, you know, being wise. And the kid asked him, what do you do? And he didn't answer. Right. He didn't answer.

Because he doesn't do anything. He had like a little pause. And it was really crazy. And then the kid asked him again. Like he tried to like change the subject, or he tried to like add something to the past statement that he, you know, the previous sentence that he wrote to finish it as if the guy didn't ask him what he'd do.

And then the kid asked again, what do you do? And then he had this sort of a stutter, and we're working on developing a property right now. You know, I don't know what it is. What the truth is, he's like, I am journaling and going to Whole Foods twice a day. Well, it was a fascinating dude because he was doing it again. He had gotten one rich woman to marry him and then he was there at the party with an older rich woman. It was fascinating.

It's upsetting. But how can that woman... Fascinating. People are so sad. Well, it's, yeah setting like but how can that woman fascinating people are so sad well it's you know people need things in some you know some women don't need a a guy who's some wild motherfucker who's gonna run away you need some bitch ass that needs you to pay the bills and pretends he loves you well there was like that this whole article in that the atlantic magazine about how we used to think of it being like part of the black culture that that it would be like the dudes were either playboys, like if they're successful, like they can have lots of chicks or a deadbeat.

Like you have to kind of as a woman who is successful, you have to like take on a deadbeat. Yes. And strippers. But it's not anymore. That's totally everybody. It's not just for one community. Like that's how it is now. Yeah.

With with dudes because women are succeeding more and more and guys like there's like that plateau well there's certainly positions where the roles are reversed where the woman's taking care of the man especially older women and younger better looking men right that shit's like super common yeah as long as a woman like it's like just like men and and and young girls that are like a little bit lost they take care of them and you know they're older men with a lot of money that are like a little bit lost they take care of them and you know they're older men with a lot of money that that shit's going on especially in this economy there's there's guys that are putting their ass up in the air oh my god they bend it over hook me up i can get you hooked up have you ever been to that website like howard stern always talks about

cougar life have you ever been to that website it's a website with cougars that just want to get down and fuck and so you get all these girls that have been taken care of that just got out of a divorce. Now they're super rich. It's kind of interesting. I find it hard to believe that those hot ones need a fucking website. I think those girls are getting dick hurled at them everywhere they go. I know. I find it hard to believe that if they don't have friends, someone's trying to fuck them.

Fresh out of a relationship. Well, what's the idea with the site? Is it like, let's go to dinner? Or is it like let's go to dinner or is it like just come over and fuck let's go out and eat oh it is go out and eat have some drinks they know they only have about 30 or 40 days of moisture left they want to use every day until it just packs in for the rest of the life it goes into a permanent state of hibernation and they got gotta sneak lube in there which is always embarrassing can you imagine as you're about to bone the girl sneaks lube she's gonna sneak some lube in there

I'll be right back I'm gonna go to the bathroom she goes to the bathroom and sneaks some lube in there the box is done so it's a sandbag you're fucking a sandbag right now you're fucking two slabs of beef jerky that is so hot make a tube out of beef jerky. That is so hot.

Make a tube out of beef jerky and fuck that. You guys are talking about my future right now. What's up? All calloused. You're hands are getting calloused. Can you understand your vagina? If you were like a hooker and just insisted on fucking all day, every day, you really had a lot of money that you owed. Yeah, it must.

I'll take them all. Come on. Next. Next. Is it possible to get a callous in your pussy? Fuck yeah. It's like skidding your knee. Yeah, maybe. I bet it would have to. If you let it to get a callus in your pussy? Yeah. It's like skidding your knee.

Yeah, maybe. I bet it would have to. If you let it heal a little bit, it would probably callus. Wow. But who has time? That's rough. Who has the time? What do you think is the number?

The woman who's fucked the most dudes ever. What do you think? Like at once? Yeah. No. And in her life. Oh, God. Most different dudes. It's got to be a lot.

We had a male porn star on a podcast recently. And I was like, how much how many people did you fuck last year? And he was just like, I don't know, a lot. I'm like, would you say over 200? He's like, probably over 300. And I'm like, what? Well, you think about it, if he's a porn star, he's probably working how many days a week?

Probably like four or five. Four or five days a week? That much? And how many different girls do you think he fucks in a day? I don't know. Usually like a lot of these movies you're doing like the whole movie in like one sitting like four different scenes. In one

day? Yeah. So you have to come three times in one day? Oh he probably I don't think they come a lot. That's why in the end that's the most disappointing thing when you're watching a porn and the guy's like oh oh oh meep meep meep that's not disappointing oh oh that's not just trying to shake it and the girl's like getting her spit bubbles on to make it seem like as if it's bigger she's

pretending to gag what's going on there yeah that's nothing she's sneaking lube in her mouth very small and unimpressive load sir yeah i don't like i don't know about other girls but for me the size of the load is does not matter doesn't you like all of it oh wouldn't you be more excited if a guy came like a whole shitload like wow he's so excited like look at all this and then instead of a guy like this yeah i guess it's pretty good let's drop a loader um doesn't seem very enthusiastic not very complimentary oh i i wouldn't i don't think I would take it personally. More.

Where's the rest? I'm hungry. You're only that excited? I'm going to cut you off for a week and see if we can pick up the volume, soldier. No, that is not on my mind. Some girls are into that, though. Yeah? Yeah, some girls like big loads.

Do you find that, Brian? Yeah, I think they don't like the thick ones. You know, once in a while when you don't have a lot of water and you've been drinking a lot. It's like that. You're so unhealthy, dude. Like really thick ones. If you went like this, it would just stay on you. Yeah. It's almost like lumpy mashed potato or cottage cheesy.

Yeah. It's got frozen yogurt loads. See, I love that. Yeah, you like that? It's like grapes. It sticks to the bones like a good soup. Yeah. I want like

full just clam chowder yeah it's funny that some girls actually do like loads they like to swallow them they like them in their face I guess it can be fun if it's more

if you're in the mood for that sort of thing some girls love it it's like their favorite thing loads in their mouth it's seasonal for me yeah in the summer you've had a few Coronas.

You can use the salt. Yeah. I can't afford Proactiv anymore. You know, they say... Is it good for your skin? Is that true? Yeah, that's why I look so young, Joe. Guys say that.

Fuck you. Guys say that. Yeah. I'm not buying it. I would think so. Probably do just as good a job. I'll just get some oil of Olay and respect myself. Oil of Olay? Is that respect myself. Oil of Olay?

Is that shit real? Oil of Olay? Yeah, that's legit. Is it? Yeah. It's still around? Yeah. That's what I use.

Oil of Olay. Isn't that supposed to keep women young forever? I mean, look at me. Look at you. I'm 50. I got something better that you should try. We'll talk about that. I don't think so, Bri.

Do you guys remember the Solo Flex woman? There was like a 50-year-old lady. Yes. Yes. Do you remember? That bitch was hot. And she was like 50. And she's on Cougar Life now.

Is she? Probably. You think she's still rocking it? When you're 50 in like 2003, that's a long time ago, man. That is. You know? Things have changed. Back then you were hot, but the wall is near.

Time keeps ticking. There's not much you can do about that. You know? Oh, God. Aging as a woman just seems like so awful. It's a motherfucker For everybody Man

What's gonna happen How old are you 30 There's no getting around it either You got five more years Until you hit the wall You think Exercise

Thank you That's so nice You can hold it off a little bit If you stay in shape Hold it off a little bit Yeah I run I think that keeps people young For sure

Yeah but your knees Are gonna get jacked Do you run on the concrete Or are you running on No I run either on the treadmill Or a dirt thing Oh that's good Yeah And I ice my stuff I roll them You should sleep in. Do you run on the concrete or are you running on... No, I run either on the treadmill or a dirt thing. Oh, that's good. And I ice my stuff. I roll them. You should sleep in oxygen. Do you run on your toes?

You know, they say like those toe shoes. That's really the way to run. Yeah, but then I'll be a douchebag. I hate people. Do you have those shoes? I have them, yeah. That's hilarious. I don't wear them except to work out. I wear them when I work out. I wear them when I kick the bag sometimes if it's cold outside. Really? They're like little piglets. My gym is in my garage and sometimes it's like if it's 40 degrees out, I wear them when I work out. I wear them when I kick the bag sometimes if it's cold outside. Really? They're like little piglets.

My gym is in my garage and sometimes it's like, if it's 40 degrees out, I'm working out at 40 degrees. It's hard to kick a leather bag with your bare foot. Yeah, but you're like a serious fitness dude. When I see people like running,

I see people running around Central Park in those footies and I'm just like, is it helping you that much? They're really, what it is is the way people run is an unnatural way the way people run where you go heel and then down to your toes yeah that's not how you run if you were

running out barefoot in the world right you were you would run and you would use the natural design of your foot as a shock absorber and that's what people do instead of drop down on your heel because you have a big pad there yeah because a shoe company has put an artificial pad in the back of your heel. They literally change the way people run. Yeah, but don't we also. Before that, people would have to run. And the natural way to do it is to land on a ball of your foot. And if you look at the design of the foot, your foot bends and gives.

You land on a toe in the ball of the foot, and then it gives. And what these shoes and any barefoot exercise program, I lift weights barefoot and I'll do a lot of different things, different exercises barefoot. And the idea behind it is that that's a natural way for your body to carry stress and to move things around and that if you run on the ball of your foot like that, it actually saves your body all the damage that a lot of people get from the pounding of knees.

So that's why the toe. Wouldn't the natural way not be on concrete, though? Yes, you're absolutely right. And that seems like a fucking backup. Concrete is bad, period, for anybody, any way you run. It's hard. It doesn't give. Nice dirt.

Like, if you're on, like, a nice dirt hill, you know, when you hit that thing, it compacts a little, compacts a little. There's a nice dirt hill near a house that I used to run until there was three fucking mountain lying sightings in my neighborhood. Are you changing up the routine? I'm not running this hill anymore.

No. But it was a nice steep dirt hill and you could feel it give as you ran into it. But isn't it bad to run in the sand? No, no. Running in the sand is fantastic for you. Really? Yeah, I mean, you've got to build your body up.

I wouldn't recommend it to someone who's not in shape. No, I loved running on the beach barefoot. But then I heard that's not... Who told you there's anything wrong with that? Sand is great. Oh, no. I listen to every piece of advice. I'm going to probably go get those shoes.

Running on the sand is hard. It's hard to run. I mean, as long as you don't step on something. If you step on something, you're fucked. Broken bottles and shit. I mean, if you trust the beach. But if you're running barefoot in the sand, that's really good for you. It's good.

Yeah, so is running sand dunes. That's fucking incredibly good for you. You know what makes me insane is I'm always in hotels, of course, and in hotel gyms, when people just come in to just check it out, don't you always see couples? They'll come down. just check it out. Don't you always see like couples? They just like, they'll come down. It's like, it's a gym. Like you can tell how nice the hotel is.

You're going to know how nice the gym. Like what do you, it just, I don't know why. It just makes me so mad. Wow, you don't like being looked at while you're looking at things. No, I love being looked at. Is that what it is? They just come in, they don't commit, they don't sit. You're like, all right, someone's going to flirt with me while we train together.

Yeah. Yeah, that's it. Sweating. You know, that's what cool thing about these mirrors they're in the corners you can just look one way they don't even know if you're looking at that yeah that's it i'm like can we get some mirrors on the ceilings in here or you laugh inappropriately like an episode of friends so he has to say what is so funny oh my god i forgot how funny friends was oh it's one of my favorite shows is this this how I flirt? Is this how I meet someone? I'm just just creating scenarios

Dudes have questions, you know, Amy Schumer's at the gym. How am I gonna make this happen? Yeah by laughing loudly at friends at the gym. How am I going to make this happen? Yeah, by laughing loudly at friends. Yeah, really, really loud. That'll make an impact. I would say the girl would be the one who laughs really loudly. And see, you're upset that the people come in

where they just look because they're not going to play your game. They look at the gym. You feel like this is another person. This is a new player has entered the game. You know, when you're at the gym and you're on your little elliptical machine and you listen to your Donna Summer's music.

None of this happens. You're thinking of your mom. I'm picturing you with a purple iPod Nano. No, not even a Nano. What's the one with the clip on? What's the clip on? Let's just take it back to a

Walkman. How about I have a Walkman and I have a perm. Leg warmers. A headband. You have no shoes on because they haven't invented shoes yet. You just aged me And I have a perm. Shuffle. Leg warmers. A headband. I'm just doing Jane Fonda. You have no shoes on because they haven't invented shoes yet. You just aged me 30 years. Sit here eating my heart out, baby.

And you get upset. You look up and it's some people just looking at the gym. No. You fuckers. You have me all wrong at the gym. Whoa. You have me all wrong at the gym. What is your mindset when you go to the gym?

What is the, what's the thought process? I listen to Biggie and Odd Future and I listen to bad shit and I run like I'm angry. You're angry. What do you think about when you're really pushing yourself? Do you think about the ex-boyfriend with the knife running through the apartment complex? I should. I think about you. And then I pause the treadmill so I can come and then I get back on and I can come. And then I get back on. And I just push through.

And she realizes that she is orgasmed. Yeah. Without even knowing it. Did you realize that a lot of women are admitting now that there was a study done on it that a lot of women are achieving orgasm during strenuous exercise? What? Yes. Very common.

That sounds great. Yeah. What are they doing? Looking at me. I'll Google it here Study shows Just put those little balls in there And work it out I was so sick in the hospital

I haven't like masturbated In like a week Really? Yeah I like forgot about it That's how sick I was I haven't thought about it Have you ever mutually masturbated

With another guy? Yeah That's so stupid Why not just fuck? Yeah I guess because When you're together a long time You're trying to make things fun

Women have orgasms at the gym Study shows What are they doing at the gym Fucking their trainers Findings add qualitative And quantitative data To a field that has been largely Unstudied

A field What really makes the vagina go pop pop pop That's my field I'm in the orgasm field A field Yes. What really makes the vagina go pop, pop, pop? That's my field. That's my field. I'm in the orgasm field. A field. Women's orgasm has been a field? Largely unstudied according to researcher Debbie.

Oh, Debbie, you silly bitch. Debbie. Debbie probably loves pussy. Always thinking about her clit. Debbie probably loves pussy. Clit Deb. All day. Debbie probably has a flashlight and she licks it while she's sitting in the office.

Oh, wow. Pussy is so awesome. This is my field. I'm doing research on my field. Debbie probably has a flashlight And she like licks it while she's sitting there Oh wow This is my field I'm doing research on my field Debbie's in the field you guys Debbie you're awesome thank you for your work Co-director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion At Indiana University For instance Alfred Kinsey and his colleagues

First reported the phenomenon in 1953 Saying about 5% of women They had interviewed mentioned orgasm linked to physical exercise. Wow. That's fucking awesome for those five chicks. What is this, Brian? The report of so-called corgasms named because of their seeming link to exercises for core abdominal muscles have circulated in the media for years according to the researchers. So apparently it's working your core.

So getting on the knees and tightening up the pussy, that shit's real. What you want to do is you get on your knees, okay, and then I want you to rock your ass

back to your heels and then pull yourself up with your abs while you're squeezing your pussy. Why don't I just rub my clit? Like why all the work?

Because you can do this while you're at work and no one even knows. You can do it While you're at work And no one even knows You can do it while you're Performing some exercise And you get some good Rock solid abs I can do it while I'm on stage

Try it right now Get some rock solid abs See if it works Of the women who had orgasms During exercise Wait what if I was like 45% said their first experience Was linked to abdominal exercises

45% 19% Due to biking and spinning 9. Well that's why Mrs. Rogan Likes the spinning Uh oh Yeah I can see spinning 9.3. Well, that's why Mrs. Rogan likes the spinning. Uh-oh. Yeah.

I can see spinning. 9.3. I've gotten excited on a bicycle. Really? Link to climbing poles or ropes. My stomach is still out from all the saline solution. 7% reported a connection with weightlifting. What is the saline solution?

They had to pump in your... They pumped saline. Because I was so dehydrated. Yeah, they pumped five big IV bags in. And so I feel like I'm, I feel like, okay now, but I still have all the water weight.

Now, when you were really sick, did you try to drink water or was it dehydration from throwing up? I tried, but I threw it up. I threw up on somebody giving me x-rays in the hospital. Whoa. Yeah.

It was bad. It was really, really bad. So what did you call the place that gave you the crab cake in Phoenix? Well, it was at my hotel. But their insurance is paying whatever my insurance says. Really? So they've admitted that it's their fault?

I had two meals that day, and they were both at my hotel. Oh, wow. There's no question. No ifs, ands, or buts. Yeah. Wow. I was there working. I'd done press all morning.

I didn't drink or anything like that. I ate clams. They were being cool about it. I ate clams in Illinois, in Manteno, Illinois, and kind of fucking horribly sick once. That night, like five, six hours later, it just started to hit me. The cramping was the worst. Yeah. How long did it take before it kicked in?

Maybe an hour and a half. After you ate it, only an hour and a half. After you ate it? Only an hour and a half? Yeah. Really? Mm-hmm. Wow, that's incredible. That must be really bad.

They say it takes hours usually. Sometimes it is, but I had the same thing happen to me. Really? Like about two months ago where I was driving home. I was like, I'm going to shit myself right now. And I felt my puke out the window. Bubbling inside of you? Yeah.

It was bad. It hit like a little, like an hour and a half, two hours, and then it really hit. The worst one ever got me was from a mushroom pizza. I was in Providence, Rhode Island at a comedy club, and I ordered a mushroom pizza, one of those frozen pizzas. Yeah. Holy shit. That was the only thing I ate, and holy shit.

What do you think it was? It crippled me. The mushrooms. The mushrooms. Especially, it's very possible that in these places, like, they dehydrate things or rather defrost things and then refreeze them. Oh, and that's really bad. Really bad. Can you eat mushroom pizza now?

Yeah, sure. You can? I don't think, I can't imagine ever. I couldn't even say the word crab cake until today. Well, I threw up when I was a kid to some Jack Daniels. I was like 14. Me too. Oh, nice. That was my, like, first puking from booze. Yeah, I threw up when I was a kid to some Jack Daniels. I was like 14. Me too. That was my first puking from booze.

Yeah, I threw up in a cab. I threw up on the street. How much did you drink? I don't remember. It was a lot though. You were throwing up while having sex? Have I? No. Or have you been with a girl that threw up while having sex? Pretty close. Like we were about to get it on and then she started throwing up. Oh my God.

Yeah, I've had that. So would you just finish in her hair? Just jerk off in her mouth. Just hold her down. Grab her hair. She tries to fight. It's for her skin. It's not because you wanted to have an orgasm. You get to pin down the left arm with your shin, the right arm.

How horrible. Holy shit. That's your move. That's Games of Thrones style. That is. That's the one thing you see like all the raping

and pillaging going on back then it's the best that's really that's really how people live they just took whatever they wanted you really had to

put out yeah there wasn't a lot of arguing with barbarians there was no like oh let's wait like let's wait a month it was like

um get on your knees do you find yourself not attractive to a man if he is, uh, if it was like struggling or if he's like, he doesn't have his shit together or if he makes less money than you or is less successful. Oh my God. I am like blue collar fever.

I, I've never dated anyone with money. I like dudes like, yeah, but I like the Marlon Brando street car. Yeah. Like a poet with no money. Yeah. Really? Yeah. I like, I will like, Marlon Brando street car You like a poet with no money? Yeah

Really? Yeah I'm easy I want like a guy that's smart And yeah So you wouldn't mind If you got a guy And he understands Your job is to be smart and nice

And know how to fuck me And then we can get married And then you guys can go on the road together And he can just like what? Read books and No I don't. I need a lot of alone time. Oh, well, I didn't know he was going to be eating my pussy all that much.

Yeah, he can come. He can come. I'll be at Denver. No, I, yeah. What's your ideal guy? I don't know. I hope I have not met anybody like whoever he is yet. But yeah, I think I want like a simple ass, like smart,

confident dude that's easy. With no job or should he have a job? Like a job would be nice, but I don't. But he doesn't have to have one for you. Well, like I want him to want, he could be like something weird,

like a sculptor or something. Like I don't need him to have like a great job. Well, listen, there's a lot of sculptors in Vegas. For real. No, I really don't want to date a sculptor. That Well listen There's a lot of sculptors In Vegas For real No I really don't want To date a sculptor

That was a bad joke Well those guys That have to work On like the Venetian Stop sculpting Get a job Really Oh my god

No I don't know Sculptors all over the world Right now just lost hope Oh man I would I really don't think I would ever date a guy In finance

Or something like that Like some suit wearing I don't think I would date A guy that wore a suit Too scary Into a thing Or too boring Like all those Evil those evil scary boring i can't relate those guys aren't most of them are normal guys i have one of my best friends is an accountant and he's he's he's

fucking crazy maybe i'll wind up he's crazy he's just stuck buttoned down all day but you know he loves like when i talk to him on the phone he's's crazy. He's a regular dude, but he just has a job. And he's good at it. So he gets paid well. So, you know, that's what he does. Do you like cats and dogs? I like dogs. Do you hate cats?

Kind of. What the fuck kind of questions are these, Brian? You always bring something down to a six-year-old level. I'm writing out her profile for her. Oh, stop. What's your favorite color? No, I'm good. Please tell me the truth. I need to know. We start playing M for her. Oh, stop. What's your favorite color? No, I'm good. Please tell me the truth. I need to know.

We start playing MASH. I need to know. I think I don't know what I want. Yeah, I don't know. Are men intimidated by the fact that you're a comedian, Everill? I would assume so. Yeah. I don't know.

They don't want to start talking shit. Yeah. They've seen you at roasts with Mike Tyson. They know I'll fillet them. You went head-to-head with Mike Tyson. Yeah, I'm not going to be scared of some fireman from Hoboken. Is that what you're looking for? Fireman from Hoboken.

That's what I want. Just like a Patrick Swayze type dude in a movie from the 1980s. Talk slower. Yeah. Yeah, take your pants off. I don't know what I want. I have no idea. We're not trying to marry you off, right?

We went down that road and we stuck with it for no reason. Yeah. Trying to get some entertainment out of it. So here's the podcast. Sorry, you guys. I was supposed to make it funny and I'm really telling you. No, you're doing great. Here's the podcast.

She goes on a date. Every episode's a different date that we hook you up with. That's a good way to get her killed. Yeah. Yeah, you guys are going to be murdered in one week. Yeah, you can't trust men. Too many dudes are creepy. It would be nice if we could trust them, but we can't really send you out.

No, it's all people we know, though, or something. Come on, man. How many dudes do you know? I'm not going... You guys aren't setting me up. I really, truly don't trust you guys. No. Exactly.

I have a lot of black friends. It's fine. I've never been with a black guy. He's got a lot of black and lesbian friends, so he's got whatever you need that's going to shock your parents. I'm going to Asian girls. Asian girls. That's what I want.

So is this this this thing that happened today that I don't totally completely understand, but it's some new Obama jobs act that he just signed. And Matt Taibbi wrote this blog about how fucking terrible it is. What's the act? I don't completely understand it. But the way it's been explained to me is that it essentially almost legalizes fraud. The idea is that it used to be that if you wanted to take a company public, you had to file all sorts of paperwork and hire an accountant and have all these financial statements in

place, but now they say you don't need to hire an accountant before the company is taken public, nor do you need to do so for five years after the company goes public. So it's almost like you can fucking lie about your financial statements for five years without any independent accounting of your claims i don't totally completely understand it i'm reading what would the benefit of that be getting money and lying and when public when things go public manipulating the stock market um i don't understand what the pros are of this thing. It might have... See, when they sign an act, there's usually a lot of shit in there.

Yeah. It's not just one statement. Right, but people pull out the one thing and that's... They put things in like this that make it easier for certain businesses or make it easier for certain special interest groups that, you know, it's like we'll give you this, but you've got to give us that. So I don't know what the positive benefit of this JOBS Act is. We've got to find out.

But according to Matt Taibbi, it's really crazy. It's really strange. He equates it. He says it's like formally eliminating steroid testing for the first five years of a baseball player's career. You can pretty much bet you're going to see a lot of home runs in those first few years after you institute a rule like that. But you better be ready to stick a lot of asterisks in the record books 10 or 15 years down the line, which is a great analogy. If this is correct, if you really don't have to have the proper accounting for a company to go public for the first five years.

That's like, this is craziness. It's like they keep passing more and more laws and they keep doing more and more things to control people and to limit our ability to defend ourselves against the government. And they keep doing more and more things that allow people to somehow or another siphon money out of the system. And you've got to wonder, where does this end? When do they stop making new bills and start trying to fix this fucking ridiculous government that we have?

Well, the foreclosure bill, what we were just talking about with how those houses foreclosing, Obama just passed that bill. What does that bill state? Like a month ago. What does it do? Is it good? Yeah, I thought it was pretty state? Like a month ago. What does it do? Is it good? Yeah. I thought it was pretty good. It sounded pretty good.

What does it do? It just like, it, there were a bunch of different facets of it, but one of it was like, your house can't be foreclosed on in the first three years. Like if you served in the military,

like just things that you, you were like, this wasn't already a rule. Right. Yeah. Just like helping out the, like middle. Hel wasn't already a rule. Right. Yeah, just like helping out the middle or the best part. Helping people get a chance. Yeah, so like try to get their house back.

Well, I'm all pro that, but this is terrible. I need to know more about this. I need to know more about this too, but what I'm reading right now is fucking terrifying. I see all these things like the National Defense Authorization Act, all these different rules that are going to allow them to have fucking drones in the sky in the next 20 years. There's going to be 30,000 drones flying through the sky. What's a drone?

Flying a machine that can take video and send back real-time data and work on a 4G connection or by that time, you know, 7 or 8G, whatever the fuck it is. You guys have so much information in here. I think ignorance is bliss. I'm going to keep on being retarded.

It's probably a good move. I agree. You got to find that dude that doesn't have a job who likes to play the cello. I'm cool without a dude right now, you guys. I feel like you guys think I just go home and I'm just like, man. Dude would have taken care of you with some good dick and you wouldn't have that food poisoning. You think?

Straighten you out. Yeah. You throw up once, get it all out of your system. He pumps you full of some hot lead. Some sweet. out yeah you throw up once get it all out of your system he pumps you full some hot lead energizes you back up can you imagine if loads actually energized you if like women would be mad if you didn't fuck them because i would never fight with a dude again yeah because that's the way you got got by could you imagine if we needed each other that way like we were like you know like if you hit the brakes on a one of those electric cars it actually recharges the battery could you imagine if that's the way humans recharge we gotta fuck like procreating is not enough for us to stay together it's got to be something more

appealing what if we start evolving like that in that direction you know they say that people need physical attention you need you absolutely need affection from other people. It's like our bodies need it. It desires it at a core level. What if it turns into not just that, but you actually need to fuck? And then if you don't fuck, your body just rots away and dies. And the only way to keep moving is if you have to fuck. You have to fuck each other. What if you're gay? So you'd be mad.

I don't know. Gay guys would probably engineer, do some genetic engineering on their loads so that they figured out how a guy can absorb it through his ass. We'd have to time it right. What if a guy had to take a shit? Oh, yeah, you can. And then he takes a shit and he shits out all the good sperm and then you don't evolve.

You really have to figure out the timing on that. Seriously, it's not preposterous to think that we would need each other. I mean, we need each other. You know how you get addicted to sex, right? If you're in a relationship and you first start having sex sure especially right in the beginning yeah don't you feel like it's all you think about exactly you start thinking about it we not when you can't wait to get together with each other yeah it's like a total drug yeah it is like a total drug but that's one of the reasons why people are so angry when people leave them it's like you're taking my drug away. You're taking my thing away.

What if it was even more intense than that and it literally got to a point where your body would register very obvious changes whether or not you had sperm inside your body. It's actual withdrawal. And whether a guy got rid of it. The guy has to get rid of it. He doesn't get rid of it.

It's burning him up. It's not much different than reality i would rather die than have sex with anybody i've ever had sex with ever in the past is there one guy when you look back and go that one could have worked out better maybe i just fucking should have went for that finger in the ass thing did what you asked no i i've always gone for the finger in the ass um but no i yeah no i've never had a guy ask you to do something creepy and you were like that's where i gotta go i don't think i've ever had anybody ask me something that was too creepy that i said no a girl told me to fuck her cunt once i was like

it was just like whoa did it make i'm like is that what you call it just isn't that what it is like oh i mean can we change your terminology a little bit? See, I just, I talked about this on ONA, but I was like dirty texting with a guy, and he like, and I wrote something like, like I was going to sit on his face or something. Yeah. Like, and he wrote back like, right but like oral's gonna go both ways

and i was just like what is this a a negotiation like a douchebag i think i think when it comes to like talking shit in the bedroom you like it's gotta kind of be anything goes in unless it's complete insanity but like if a guy's ever mentioned something i've said while having sex after i'm like are you fucking crazy like that is we do not talk about that that is a secret that is a circle of trust that you are like i would never be like wow at dinner after you fuck someone you talk shit you're like so um call me a whore non-stop that's like you gotta just you gotta just keep it keep it in there yeah if something makes you uncomfortable you have to be like that's not cool don't don't call me your sister yeah what do you do if

something like that happens you pull them aside like when you're having dinner or do you like go can i talk to you for a second how do you uh How do you write that ship? I've just broken up with them. Too much work? I had one guy, the sex got too weird. In what way? We needed to watch,

he, like, he needed to watch me watch porn. And at first, it was like, okay. It's pretty hot. It was fun at first,

and then it was like, that's all he wanted to do? He wanted to catch me watching porn. Ooh. And, and then have sex while I watched porn. Whoa. That's kind of hot. It was fun. It is kind of hot, but I don't like the catching you.

I just want you to... What if it's like creepy porn? This is porn with girls with tits are just way too big, and they stretch out, and you see the bag every time they flop up and down. Or it's him with his dad. No, it was like pretty normal run-of-the-mill DP. It's hard getting regular normal porn. Everybody wants to throw up and gag and spitting in assholes.

It's hard finding regular porn these days. Oh, it's easy. It's not too hard. Really? Yeah. I see a lot of gagging. There's a lot of... Well, the websites you go to.

When did that become the fucking normal move? You know? Yeah. Every fucking one. Surprise. The mouth isn't even on it. They're not even, they can't really close their mouth because the guy's kind of fucking the back of their throat.

I just wish there was like mix of the ending sometimes. It's like spoiler alert. She's going to get a load on her face. Don't ruin the ending of this one. They're all the same. Well, sometimes they do what they call cream pies. That's very popular now. What is that?

That's like when they show it inside the pussy? Yes, the man orgasms in the girl's pussy and then she squirts it out. Oh, she squirts it out? Yeah, she spreads her lips and it oozes out of her. And there's anal cream pies. Yeah. There's mom cream pies.

Yeah, there's oral cream pies. Look at you kids. I can't keep up. I can't keep up. Yeah, there's oral cream pies. Look at you kids. I can't keep up. I can't keep up. Yeah, no. You've got to be a strong man to date one of those girls. Like, I never watch the end of porn. Yeah, I never get to.

You don't? You know, it's like, I only need the. Do you watch porn by yourself? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Do you watch porn because you're excited by it? Because a lot of girls are not.

I am. You are? Yeah. You're a freak. Are you a freak? I don excited by it? Because a lot of girls are not. I am. You are? Yeah. You're a freak? I don't know. I don't know yet. I'm still figuring myself out. A little bit.

No, but I didn't like porn when I was younger. I was living with a boyfriend, and he would watch porn, and I would see that he had left it on the computer, and I would be like, that's cheating on me. And I was young and dumb. And then this poor guy, because now I love porn. Wow. Yeah, no, I watch porn. Have you ever thought about doing the AVN Awards?

Hosting that? I would love to. I was supposed to host this Escort Awards this year. For hookers? Yeah. They have an award show. I think it's just guys. But they have an award show. think it's just guys but they have an award show it's in new york and i'm supposed to host guy escorts it's male escorts oh it must be gay i

don't know but they uh right before they they said uh we uh i think they saw my stand-up and fired me i don't know i don't know what it was i don't know they but they uh they were like oh we decided not to have a comic well they probably saw they probably saw you and thought this bitch is gonna talk about us she'll be good for like 10 minutes

in her act you would for sure that would be part of your act I would have I was so excited the money wasn't that great

I was like of course I'll do it they were like I think they made like a they tried to insult me with how low the offer was I was like

nice try I'm coming I was like I'm gonna be there I'm gonna bring my sister so did you wind up doing it or no no they said

they didn't want a comic Kind of at the last minute They're probably scared of you This is before or after the roast? After They probably just didn't sell enough tickets also I doubt it No it's an annual event

It's just filled with freaks And probably someone said do you realize that you're opening up the gates of hell? Do you realize that by exposing our award show to this comedian who gets to go on national television and talk about us. Yeah, there must be a lot of confidentiality. Sort of like Paul Lynn, sort of angry gay guy. I don't know.

I like that whole industry because I really don't judge those people at all. The male hooker industry? Just like sex industry and strippers. The male hooker industry, that's a dark wing of that world i wonder well do you remember like when there's a guy who got caught who was a white house press correspondent or white house uh press reporter who got caught what he got caught

it turned out that he was running a gay porn site a gay uh excuse me gay escort site like military a gay military escort i don't remember that yeah his name was i think believe his name was jeff gannon and he would uh he would lob these really like underhand slow pitch statement questions to the president to president bush at the time yeah mr bush uh mr president when are the democrats gonna get their head out of the sand and realize and that like literally he was a reporter and people would go, who the fuck is this guy? Bush wanted him in there every time. He was his go-to guy, of course.

And he actually stayed at the White House. This guy had slept over at the White House. And it turned out he had some gay military escort website where it was him lying there naked with like a towel over his dick wearing a dog tag. Damn. Yeah. And it was all just about sucking dick as a soldier

and taking military gay sex. The world is so depressing. Whoa, but this guy was in. In the White House. And they don't know what the fuck that was all about. Who was the Ken St was in the White House. And they don't know what the fuck that was all about. Who was the, you know, was it Ken Starr? I mean, who was it?

Which one of those guys was the gay guy? There was another guy that's the, the guy was the mastermind for Bush's campaign. What the fuck is his name? The man behind Bush. I don't know. I just watched J. Edgar and that gay love story was kind of hot. That movie was boring it was it was boring but i liked like uh i i've i don't get turned on by gay dudes having sex with each other but i would have liked to have seen them have sex with each other you would have liked to have seen

those guys i would love to see leo and army hammer are you serious please i don't care who's bending who over i'm watching are you gonna be in town Wednesday? Yeah Do you want to do the comedy show here at the Ice House? Do I have to drive here again? No, just kidding Yeah, can I? Yeah Sure Nine o'clock

Okay Karl Rove Oh, yeah He was supposed to be super gay Oh, yeah Well, no chicks fucking him I'm just making this up, by the way, Karl I could be totally wrong

Please don't sue me Karl loves this podcast I don't know who the fuck it was that was gay let's just say that i have no idea i'm just totally guessing out of my ass but whoever it was somebody knew this guy and somebody got this guy gigged there and that guy turned out to be a fucking gay male escort madam and it was deep in the white house it was in there yeah i guess people back then just thought, wow, the internet's so big. Who's going to find this? Right. They didn't understand search engines. Yeah. Shit.

That'll catch up to you if you're in the White House, I guess. You imagine thinking that you're just going to pull that off. Like, you know, gay escort, stay at the White House. No one's going to know. How are they going to know? Dude, I know that guy. Think about the things they pulled off

before the internet oh yeah oh my god well they say that nixon was gay a guy just wrote a book about nixon being gay and there's a photo of him with this smaller hispanic man who was with a small dog you know which by the way you have a small dog you're either a bad motherfucker or you might be gay i mean back then in those days a dude with a tiny dog, you're either a bad motherfucker or you might be gay. I mean, back then, in those days. A dude with a tiny dog, that's tough to look past. Maybe, or maybe he's a bad motherfucker. Like my friend Mayhem. He's an MMA fighter. He's got a Datsun.

In me, a Pekingese. Chuck Liddell. When he was the UFC light heavyweight champion, he always had this little chihuahua he took everywhere. But he was such a bad motherfucker, he could totally pull it off. Really? That's funny. There's also a lot of gay guys walking around with a dog in a purse i lost mine in a divorce i'm sorry i mean i got mine i don't like the people in la

of like these beautiful dogs you could just see that they're just using them as like an accessory there's a lot of that like that dog's supposed to represent them they like the way it looks and a woman with a dog is not alone she's busy with my dog come on we gotta go sorry thank you we're going it's always we yeah just like just fucking be an adult for real woman with a dog is is two people it's like she can we it where yeah she can get away excuse me i'm i'm busy i have to walk my dog you probably want that into a relationship with someone you're like oh good she's distracted but up top that's gotta be tough into if like you're tired of these boring ass conversations, I just want you around to fuck you.

Here, go play with your dog. Get ready. When I come around to sling dick. No. Has anybody ever said to you, be ready when I come home and sling dick? No, that sounds good though. I think I want a guy that'll say that. Really?

Nobody write that to me on twitter it's gonna have to be a compliment man of course i'm gonna get a hundred at least of course yeah it's in it's inevitable now i'm coming home to sling dick that's coming that's gonna be that's like gonna be someone's new signature on a message that's what that's what happens though like i'll forget that we said this and then i'll be in denver and some dude will come up after the show and be like how about we get I'll sleep and I'll be like

I'm calling the cops on you you fucking rapist I wonder how much that really happens that seems like it would happen a lot that happens all the time

I mean how much crazy shit do you get a lot of crazy people that tweet you after you did the last one yeah mostly not crazy were people nice to you

people were really nice yeah that's cool I'm back yeah you are back yeah I'm sensitive and I'm back yeah no like it was nice and people like will come up and they'll say like oh i'm a i'm a fan of rogan's podcast and that's how i found you people like to say how they found you yeah you know well they they like to profess that you like that they like

something they hope you like too like i found you on found you on ONA and I'll go, oh, I fucking love ONA and then we're in. And you have that common. You know, ONA party rock, you know. Yeah, if somebody likes that, you know like that you can kind of connect on other shit.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's like if someone's a fan of a particular team, you know, you walk up to a guy and he's wearing a Celtics jacket. Yeah.

I fucking love Larry Bird. I like Met fans. I'm like, you're a good person. Yeah. Do you think you'd think about dating a professional baseball player or would that be too much pressure? I don't know. I'm like, you're a good person. Yeah. Do you think you'd think about dating a professional baseball player or would that be too much

pressure? I don't know. I went out with a couple of athletes lately. Yeah? Yeah. It seems like, I don't know. I think they need like a cheerleader and like, I'm busy. Oh, yeah.

I don't want to wear a jersey. Especially if they're like super driven and concentrating on their goals. I like that. But I don't want them to need me to be standing there. Want to come to the game? Yeah. Can you wear team colors? Yeah.

I made a dress for you. You know I only win when you wear pink. You fucking bitch. What are you doing wearing magenta? I'm like, I have a show. I have to do radio. Your show is more important than my game. Yes.

It's not a fucking show. This is a championship game. I don't want to learn the rules of a new sport. Ew. Yeah, what if you had to date a cricket player? Oh, my God. What are you doing out there? That's so funny you said that.

I was talking to a dude. Really? I'm not interested. I don't want to learn about cricket. What's the English? Australian. Oh, Australia. They play cricket, too.

And India, I think. And that's it. I was in St. Lucia. They, Australia. They play cricket too. And then we're in India, I think. And that's it. I was in St. Lucia. They were all going fucking crazy for cricket. Where exactly is that on the map? It's in the West Indies. It's just by... How long is that on a plane?

It was six from New York. Yeah. And then we took a helicopter to our hotel, to our couple's fucking love chamber. So the thing about those, that area, like if you go down like the Bahamas, Jamaica, or if you go like in the Atlantic, South Atlantic, you got to worry about storms. Yeah, this was not the season. But there's like five months where if you go there, you're just like, I hope I don't die. There's five months where there's a lot of tourists that go there because it's less money yeah and you take some wild chances they're so aggressive though because

like tourists only come for a couple months so every we did a ton of shit we like hiked this crazy mountain and we would go to like these bad we did all this stuff and every time you leave the hotel they're like just trying to sell you a fucking necklace and you're like no but they need to come at you that hard because that's all they got yeah it's all they have and the guys that hit on you they're like that's a whole other ball game they're so aggressive and they're hoping that you either have like white guilt or that you're scared of black people and i'm neither so i was just like like what do they do they just like come at you and like yeah like they just dance like they're gonna be be mad at you if you don't. Give me an example. What's the accent like?

Oh, I can't. I have no idea. Is it like Jamaican? Sort of Jamaican? Oh, hi. Oh, your dialect coach keeps chiming in. He's so authentic. Flawless intonation.

It's like 12-year-old cartoons. Oh, you goofy. I feel like you were made by a computer. Yeah, he doesn't seem real. He seems real. Dom Herrera couldn't figure him out Dom Herrera stood there and said where'd you get him Joe where'd you get this guy Of all the people in the world

What were we just talking about Like the islanders What is their accent There were some really sweet people though What does the accent sound like It's like a Bahamas type thing So give me like black guy comes up to you. What's going on?

How's he do it? I don't know. I'm sorry. I'm so not giving you one. He's like ready to play. Hey, man. Would you like to buy some weed? Hey, man.

Brian is the black guy. There were Rastas. There were Rastas. What do we do? What's up, baby? How you doing? You want some of this good dick I got right here? That's more like Hispanic.

You're doing like the Jew. I'm trying to be a black man on an island oh it's getting closer yeah some more of this good dick right here that's good is that what it is yeah they ought to grab their dicks so they dance in front of you i didn't see any dick grabbing but not crotch grabbing like michael jackson style nothing well a little a little crotch grabbing really yeah i think how often did this take place during your travels? When we left the hotel. Really? Yeah. But there were some great people.

There were great dick grabbers. Not like big. No, they were great guys. They're going to hear about this. There were some really sweet guys. The next time you go down there, I heard that shit you said about me. I hope Sandals hears this and then they go fuck themselves. Because I called and before we went, I was like, it's not all couples, right?

They were like, no, no, no, no. I was like, okay. Is that how Carnival Cruises is Because I called and I, before we went, I was like, it's not all couples, right? They were like, no, no, no, no. I was like, okay. Is that how Carnival Cruises is also? Because I would imagine that would be the same. Yeah. No, I've been on a ton of cruises. How is Sandals all couples?

Did you see any families there? Zero. Well, it's no kids allowed. No kids allowed. But it's all couples. How old can the kid be? Can it be 18? No children.

Like you can't bring anything that you made, I don't think. Oh, nothing that you made? Maybe there were, nothing that you made. Probably 18. Like, you can't bring anything that you made, I don't think. Oh, maybe there were... Nothing that you made. Probably 18. Probably 18, yeah. But then they can drink down there if it's 18? Yeah.

They have crazy drinking laws? It's all exclusive. Yeah, you can drink. You can bring it on the street. It's like New Orleans. New Orleans is amazing like that, isn't it? I love New Orleans. It's my favorite place in America.

That's the one place in America that I say you should have... You should have to have a passport to go to New Orleans. Yeah. Because it's not America. That place is the best. people walking on the street with beers in their hands right by cops and the cops are talking to them and everybody's everybody's friendly such a good vibe down there i want if i ever like really make money i want a place there i wanted to film my comedy special in new orleans but i didn't time it right my timing sucked

but that that place is amazing i love it so friendly and fun i did a show there i did the house of blues there it was did the House of Blues there. It was one of my favorite off-time shows. I saw a show there. What a great place. Everybody standing. Yeah, we went to see. And then we watched some burlesque.

What a hustle that is. What a nonsense hustle those burlesque shows are. Isn't it just like Fat Strippers? Oh, yeah. Well, one of them, it was really weird. There was a guy, like a carnival barker dude comes on. He's got a big handlebar mustache, and he's dressed kind of crazy. Like, he's from another time.

There was a couple people that actually had a pretty dope act. And one of them, there was a guy and a girl, and they had, like, little hula hoops. And the guy would throw the girl up in the air, and she would land on his shoulders. It was really, yeah. Wow, it was, like, really a great act, yeah. And they were, like, hula hooping together while the girl was on top, and the guy was, like, holding her up on his shoulders. It was really a great act. And they were hula hooping together while the girl was on top and the guy was holding her up with his hands.

They knew what the fuck they were doing. They planned it out. And then the next one was literally an overweight woman who dances. And the guy introduces her saying that beautiful things come in all packages. Literally said this. That's really funny.

So he gave it up. And she wasn't obese it wasn't like disgusting where he had to warn us is not hiring her yeah no scores is not hiring her and so she gets up there and she's got this bright smile on her face and it's like it's like this weird thing that everyone's dressed from like a period piece but essentially all she did was stand there and dance that's the emperor's new clothes yeah and that's not all art she took a little bit of the clothes off at the end. She was kind of in sort of a bikini type of thing. And then she

got off and everybody clapped. And I'm like, fuck, really? I'm like, what is going on here? Why are we pretending like that was exciting? Did you ever see him? It was real weird. And we were complaining. I'm sorry, but we were complaining about it. And the people around us started getting upset. We had to leave. Oh, really? Everybody else was like... You guys were complaining. We were like, there's a man behind that

curtain. Yeah. He's pulling the levers. We can see it from here. Exactly. This is not real. I'm glad you said something. Well, we were just like, what is this? Yeah, like, you just like truth. You're just like, can we not pretend like that was something that should happen again?

Well, it was two comics in me. It was me, Duncan, and Felicia Michaels. Yeah. And Jeff, who was our driver in New Orleans, who was cool as fuck, too. Yeah. And we're all looking at this going, what the fuck are we watching? What is this? This is nonsense.

But that fucking place, the food. Woo, yeah. The best food anywhere. I went to Amsterdam, and we went to a sex show. Oh, shit. Did you see those? Have you seen those? No.

Tell me what you saw. Well, they were really depressing. It was totally clinical. Really? So it would be like there was a dj and then like a bed would be wheeled out on stage it would be like this french guy and he's like this is uh um michelle and her lover matt and then uh and they kind of like both come out in the bed and then they're like they wave and then they like start like um like a second of kind of like foreplay that's choreographed. And then they start fucking. Like he starts fucking her and the bed's rotating and it's to music and he's banging her to the beat.

And then after like three minutes, they're like, thank you. And then they turn to the crowd and they wave and the curtain closes and the bed goes. and they wave and the curtain closes and the bed goes and then this girl would come out in between um in between people having sex and like kind of like a burlesque type stripper she's kind of hot like high school friend hot and she didn't really know what she was doing she she danced like she was auditioning for like the palm squad so she'd be in like a bra and underwear and she would just be like like just kind of dancing around and it was interesting it was like kind of interesting to watch yeah but it just nothing was sexy about the whole experience and then somebody in a gorilla suit comes out

um with a fake dick and squirts it on the crowd what that was the whole show that was the whole show but there was a couple how That was the whole show? That was the whole show, but there were a couple people fucked. How long was the whole show? Like, what was the time? I think it was like an hour. So the other stuff was just like filler? Yeah, filler between people having sex. Wow.

But the DJ was pretty funny. Like, they were funny with each other. They were like, thank you. Oh, she's back from her tour. You know, it was just, it was all kind of like ironic, but there was not a second of anything sensual or exciting. Wow.

I wonder if they do that on purpose. Nobody there would have been, no one was taking their dick out. Maybe that's probably exactly what they're doing. They had a show at the Riviera that they used to do called Crazy Girls. It's still there. Is it still there?

Oh my God. Who's hosting it now?? Oh my God. That, who's hosting it now? I don't know. Let me see. The Rive is so funny. We were just, I don't stay there,

but we were just in a record store before I started puking my guts out listening to old comedy albums and Toadie Fields had one and it starts, it's like,

live from the Riviera. And me and Jackie were so psyched. And Woody Allen had one. Like like there's a lot of history at that place but yeah Crazy Girls is up and running Dean Martin was the host of Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin used to do shows at the Riviera

I stayed in Frank Sinatra's suite once my friend Steve Schrippa used to be the booker yeah it's such a it's like such a cool old

Vegas showroom yeah Steve Sherpa is a great story I mean he was a guy who was the talent coordinator at the Riviera and then all of a sudden

he got on Sopranos yeah and then it turned into a real career as an actor writing books and shit it's nuts yeah I don't

it doesn't see it doesn't say here who the host is of Crazy Girls I'm having a hard time they're not advertising who the host is at the hotel oh really it's just like crazy girls it used to be um but what do they do i've never i haven't gone in uh well it's like girls they sing songs and then they pull their tits out oh and some of them actually have uh they actually have pretty good talent well they have good tits but some of them actually have, they actually have good talent.

Oh, good. Well, they have good tits. But some of them actually have talent. Yeah. And I watched it once, and it was kind of sad. Because this girl was singing like a Whitney Houston song. It was like the greatest love of all or something like that. Like right after when you died?

No, it was a long time ago. The moment she died. Oh, my God. She was psychic. She woke up in the middle of the night. She killed Whitney. Sat up in bed. The greatest love of all.

She fucking murdered Whitney. That was a cover, by the way. Whitney did a cover. It might not even have been that song. But whatever song it was, she was singing this song, a very soulful song, and she has her tits out. And I'm like, wow, that's got to be kind of demeaning in a way. It's like really weird.

It's like she's singing at the top of her. I mean, she's singing the best of her abilities. She's actually a talented singer, but her tits are out. And she's got like sort of like a miniskirt dress on and her tits are out. And you can tell that she wants to be taken seriously as a singer, but she's singing with her tits out. That's horrible. That's really sad. It was weird.

It was just weird. Vegas has so much sadness. Yes. Deep sadness. They have those at the Imperial Palace. They have dealer-tainers. What?

Wait, did I cut you off? No. Okay, because you're still doing this with your hands. Oh, I was just holding my hand and freaking out. I'm like, oh, is he still talking about her tits?

No, freaking out. Yeah, what they have are the dealers are all dressed like celebrities. Oh, no. Dealer-tainers they call? Yeah, so your your dealer like every hour they'll like be like some signal and they're like oh sorry and so the guy dressed is like michael jackson or a girl's rihanna and they have to like stand on the stage and like do an act and sing and then they come back and uh at first you're like it's kind of funny and then it gets so sad so fast when are we going yeah you're

just like uh and then you just want to gamble you're like oh can you please stop with all the bullshit just like let's do this wow yeah like who was your guy we had michael jackson and then i think maybe shania twain or miley cyrus how much did he actually look like michael jackson he was white well that's a tricky one because you can't hire a black guy to do it. I know. That's real. You got to go for a mulatto. What do you do?

Yeah, there's not a real likeness to any of them. You spend half the time trying to figure out who they are. You're like, is that Bonnie Raitt? What? Is that Boy George? Every now and then I get a little bit lost. Never come around. This is so confusing.

It's really tough. All right, let's bring this fucking ship into the harbor. All right. Amy Schumer, once again, you were hilarious and fun to hang out with. And I'm glad we're besties. For life. We're besties. We exchanged messages.

You're my emergency contact. Listen, buddy, I'm so happy you came back. People loveies. We exchanged messages. You're my emergency contact. Listen, buddy. I'm so happy you came back. People love you. I love you. When are you going to be, what's your tour dates? Where are you going to be next? I'm in Tampa and Denver at the end of April.

And then the Riviera. Tampa when? When are you in Tampa? Like, soon. Towards the end of April? Yeah, like the 17th. So amyschumer.com. And it's Schumer with an S-C-H.

S-C-H. Amy, S-C-H-U-M-E-R. I am still selling tickets for Atlanta. The second show is not sold out yet. So the Tabernacle on April 20th. Whoa. I'm filming my new special. I'm going to be releasing it online.

Awesome. First show sold out. And I'm fucking pumped to be doing it in Atlanta, man. Hell yeah. I haven't been there in two years, and I'm super psyched, and I'm completely geared up for this bitch. And next year, or next week, rather, is the final tune-up stage. I'm going to be at the Fort Lauderdale Improv with the one and only Duncan Trussell.

So that'll be this up-and-coming Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. It's not next week. It's this next week it's this this next weekend this weekend coming up so this weekend fort lauderdale next weekend on the 20th is atlanta and that's when i'm going to be taping my special the day before the ufc in atlanta we have a show here wednesday night at nine o'clock at the ice house another wild tune-up show before we escape to Florida, before the race

ride kicks in. Do you hear they're shooting at cop cars down there now? Really? Yeah, that's where that Trayvon Martin shooting happened. Where was it? Florida. What part? Florida's going crazy. Shoot. I don't know what part. I'll have to get back to you with that information. Sorry. Thank you to The Fleshlight for sponsoring our program. Please go to

joerogan.net if you're thinking about masturbating. And go pick up one of those because it's way better than just using your hand. Enter in the code name Rogan. Save yourself 15% off the number one sex toy for men. It's a solid product, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you also to Onnit.com. O-N-N-I-T. Makers of Alpha Brain.

Shroom Tech Sport. Shroom Tech Immune. And New Mood. Both Shroom Techs are well there's different things different things do different things there's some of them are nootropics other ones are um athletic enhancement supplements and um maybe they'd be performance enhancing drugs maybe you could say that i wonder if they'll be illegal someday get them now before the government comes in and takes all the shit that makes you feel better everything's a performance enhancing

drug dude even fucking vitamins did you know that b makes you feel better. Everything's a performance enhancing drug, dude. Even fucking vitamins. Did you know that, Brian? It helps you perform. It's a goddamn performance enhancer. Go to JoeRogan.net. Click on the link for Alpha Brain and enter in the code name Rogan and save yourself 10% off any and all orders. As always, the first order of 30 pills, the bottle of 30 pills, is 100% money back guarantee

if you're not satisfied, if you don't like it, you don't even have to return it. Just tell us that shit sucks and you get your money. But it won't suck. I use it. The shit is awesome. And you should use it too. Especially if you're jet lagged or hungover and I know you are on a regular What? On the reg? You crazy

dirty bitch. You dirty bitch. Or if you can't cope with altitude. I don't think that's true. I think you gotta eat the actual cordyceps mushroom. I don't know if it actually helps you cope with altitude. I don't want to put in any false statements, Brian. I'm going to eat all that shit. I'm going to have to do the research on that before I confirm or deny.

I'm going to eat the flashlight. Altitude sucks, dude. Nothing's going to help you. Altitude's bullshit. It might help you a little. That's the end of this program, goddammit. We'll be back tomorrow with uh Neil Brennan

uh it'll be a 4pm Pacific podcast and um and then uh I'll see you dirty bitches in Fort Lauderdale this weekend and Atlanta next week

Ice House Ice House Chronicles Amy Schumer is gonna do it oh Amy Schumer it's crazy as fuck you gonna do the show as well yeah

god damn it what a fucking show it's me Amy Schumer who else some surprises bunch of other surprises uh icehousecomedy.com probably will sell a lot of LA comics God damn it. What a fucking show. It's me, Amy Schumer. Who else? Some surprises. A bunch of other surprises.

Icehousecomedy.com probably will sell. A lot of LA comics. There's always the regular crew. I know Joey's got a 10 o'clock show at the improv. Yeah, he can't do it. He can't do it. Thursday I'm at the improv. You dirty bitch. All right, folks.

That's it. We'll see you tomorrow. Thank you as always for everything. Thanks for all the positive messages and all the love and all the good shit. We're all in this together you freaks. Let's ride this thing until that fucking

boat hits the beach.