The Joe Rogan Experience - #207 - Tom Segura, Christina Pazsitzky

Episode Date: April 18, 2012

Joe sits down with Tom Segura and Christina Pazsitzky.

My theory is always, it's probably not scientifically based whatsoever, but my theory has always been that the things that are really hard to catch, those are the ones that are better for you. And tastier? Tastier, better for you. It's like fish. Fish are fucking really hard to catch. They're really good for you.

Deer, really hard to catch, really good for you. Big, fat, like those Japanese fucking, what are they called? Kobe beef cows? Yeah. Those fucking cows. They're not running from anybody. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

That's why it's terrible for you. Terrible. But delicious. Tasty. We're such assholes. We've tricked animals to get so obese that they're on the verge of death because they're just packing fat everywhere in all their muscle tissue. So delicious. What about foie gras? Foie gras is amazing. death because they're just packing fat everywhere in all their muscle tissue delicious what about we're gonna stop having that in california we're done dude june they're so stupid

birds are cunts ladies and gentlemen 100 of all birds that have ever lived are cunts they don't give a fuck about you they really don't no birds care about you they don't even care about they don't care about shit they look cute when they have little babies and they're swimming together but the reality is you're going to eat them anyway why is it okay to eat them it's not okay to overfeed them it's it's a really quick process i've watched them do it it literally only takes a couple seconds yeah with the tube yeah they take the goose they put the tube into its mouth they hold it there and then they pour the grain down its stomach it's not in pain it only takes a couple seconds and then after that's over the thing's just running around i mean it's like how is that bad but the way they farm pigs that's okay yeah that's legal you know why though it's incredible it's a winnable

it's a winnable uh topic for animal people because the people that are in, like, because foie gras is like a kind of, it's a delicacy. So it's not considered something that, it's not like they're saying, we're going to try to take steaks out of the market. Right. It's something that is, it's for, it's an elitist food choice.

Most people don't eat any, I mean, the great majority of people don't even know what foie gras is. Yeah. So they go, this is a totally inhumane way to make this. They put it on a ballot, and they get enough momentum behind it where they can win it. Yeah. I've seen the argument.

And I'm certainly not one for animal cruelty, but it might be bad if it was a person that you were doing that to. Yeah, absolutely. But you would never allow any of this shit they do to chickens for a human. No humans are allowed to live like that. Stacked on top of each other in their own shit. The way they're doing chickens and pigs with these fucking cages where they can't even move and veal. Whoa, that's all okay?

That's all okay. But this cunty duck. Fuck that cunty duck. Right. Fuck that cunty duck. Stuff that fucking grain right down its stupid mouth. I'm getting a gun for your delicious liver.

I'm getting a gun just to shoot these birds outside of our window. There's beautiful birds that they're building a nest on our house and they chirp every morning and I wake up

to this wonderful bird song and it enrages my husband. Oh, does it? And he's like, let's get the gun. It drives you crazy. Oh, I think it's beautiful. I love hearing birds chirp. But I have crows.

Those are cunts. Those are evil fuckers. You just hear them. I don't hate bird chirping. I don't like it at the hour sometimes. One time I left a steak. I had a steak. And I forgot to defrost it.

And I figured, well, probably the best forgot to defrost it and I figured, well, probably the best way to defrost it is to sit it outside in the sun. I'm like, that's a good idea. So I put it on my leg

and with the wrapping on, this fucking cunty crow was coming down there and pecking at my steak. No shit. Yeah, he ate like a little chunk of it before I figured out

what he was doing. That piece of shit. I mean, I had only turned my back for like a minute that that asshole was watching they watch what you're doing they look to see if there's anything that you're doing that like that could benefit them you're right the birds don't really like you man they're cunts you've had a pet bird yes it's a one-way relationship it's a it's moody it's in a mood to fucking and they shit on you constantly if you pet you let them on your fucking... And they shit on you constantly.

If you let them on your shoulder, they take a shit on you. They fly around the house and they shit everywhere. Oh, fuck that. It's the worst. They're dinosaurs. They really are the last of the dinosaurs. Bunnies are bad pets, too, I always thought, because they just shit all the time. But then lately, yeah, with Eddie and a couple of the people, I'm like, wow, these seem like

maybe good pets. Are they smart rabbits? They're really affectionate. They just want to cuddle with you and you pet them and they just snuggle up with you. That's cool. Yeah, it's cool. They're sweet.

They're sweet little animals, but they're also delicious. And when push comes to shove, the apocalypse is coming, they gots to go. I've had rabbit before. Oh, I like that too. I like rabbit. You do? Yeah, I had it at a Moroccan restaurant in the valley once.

That's good. You can season anything you need. It's gamey. I thought it was pretty delicious. When we lived in the Rampart division, one of our neighbors had a rooster. Yeah, our next door neighbor. She called animal protection. The fucking thing was crowing at four in the morning.

Every single day. Who the fuck would allow you to have a rooster? That's an asshole pet to have. That is a real asshole. That's an asshole pet. And on a chain. It was on a chain and stuff.

Jesus Christ. Yeah, man. It would run through the streets and everything. Remember that? Fucking, what a great neighborhood. What was this lady?

This was an El Salvadorian neighborhood. So she was from El Salvador? I think it was a family. How crazy a family because we could see it off our balcony was it an apartment building or a house it was an apartment apartments yeah so they thought they could have a goddamn rooster in an apartment oh for sure how nutty is that and there was a lot of neighbors who had to be losing their fucking minds like we were oh my god we were the ones that like so you can call somebody for this shit. How the fuck does this crazy bitch think she's going to get away with having a rooster in her backyard?

Because the neighborhood is 100% El Salvadorian. And they're just cool with that? I think so. That's crazy. Because they're like, this is just like the village back home. That's right. Like, it's no different. And no snitching.

You're not supposed to snitch on your neighbors. You know what I mean? Wow. Yeah, well. So they just want to get out of El Salvador, but they want to be like El Salvador. For sure the whole neighborhood is completely like turn it into the old country yeah i guess it's just yeah they had a lot of gunshots this is just like really oh yeah nightly yeah that was a good neighborhood yeah you used to hear gunshots nightly daily sometimes oh my

god remember you were in the living room doing you know what yeah i was jerking off in the living room one time yeah i wasn't there a bullet came through the window no but it was like were in the living room doing you know what? Yeah, I was jerking off in the living room one time. Yeah, I wasn't there. And a bullet came through the window? No, but it was like 2 in the afternoon, and I'm just sitting on the couch, dick in my hand, laptop open, and I hear a fucking gunshot, but it sounds like somebody's on the balcony.

It's not like a distant. It's 2 in the afternoon. Sun's out, and you hear bang! And you're like, whoa, jump. I threw the laptop and jump on the floor oh jesus like just dick out like you know and i call jose the guy the building manager and i go dude did you hear that and he goes hear what and i'm like the gunshot did you hear he goes no i'm in the garage i didn't hear nothing and i go all right man i thought i heard a gunshot really loudly and he was like i didn't

hear anything i hang up the phone and like two minutes later the phone rings he's like hey tom it's jose yeah some guy just got killed out on 6th street and i'm like oh so that's what that was it was all blocked off some guy had gone up to a guy on 6th street like two in the afternoon shot him with a.357 right in the chest one shot and then like put his hands up got arrested. Whoa.

Yeah, and that was the middle of the day. Yeah, some people don't like each other. A lot of people don't get along. It's a hateful world.

What a terrible way to be able to end it too. You can't just get away from that person and put holes in them. And to die on shitty 6th Street in's the worst in this neighborhood you know what's about that neighborhood is that we had the ice cream truck that would come in like right in front of the house and then in the same loop that yeah but it wasn't even that but it wasn't even the

traditional it had like a little el salvadorian flavor yeah yeah yeah some extra horns and whistles in it yeah it was It was. It was. It was on a fucking And remember the swap meet on like Alvarado? Oh, dude. Did you guys feel

really uncomfortable living in this neighborhood? It was the worst decision. It was my fault because I was living in Silver Lake and I went on vacation. I came back

and my house had been infested with rats. Whoa. There was rat shit everywhere. I had a grapefruit I had left out.

It was half eaten. Whoa. And I was like, I got to get the fuck out of here, man. So this is the first place I could find, like the quickest place I could find. And it was relatively safe, but it was a two-year disaster.

Wow, two years? Two years living in the ghetto. Why two? Lazy, broke sometimes. Broke mostly, yeah. It was cheap. It was just, I don't know,

I got used to it. And then we were like, we got to get the fuck out of here. Yeah. Wow. And the other thing was, every night, we also were a block. I don't know if I got used to it. And then we were like, we got to get the fuck out of here. Yeah. Like, wow. And the other thing was, every night. We also were a block, I don't know if you remember, at this point it would be almost two years ago on 6th Street, just a couple blocks from where we were, is where this El

Salvadorian guy was crossing the street drunk. And he pulled out a knife. He was wheeling around. And the cops shot him like 13 or 14 times. Right? Whoa. So they killed him and then the whole neighborhood rioted and they walked up to the rampart division police station there

was riots on the streets yeah helicopters everywhere we got on the roof of our building there was like there's because it was nightly that we would see helicopters like they would get the line the light shone like she would shine through our window like every night but this night there was we counted like 11 and they were just in a swarm above us like a swarm of bees just during the riot thing that's when we that was like that was a couple weeks we're like so I ever definitely yeah this shit man Wow yeah this is too crazy so we left that neighborhood Jesus Chris there's a lot of gang fights 18th Street gang you. We were right in between them. MS-13, yeah. And they would tag on our wall, like our building wall.

I have a buddy who lives in Venice on the corner where his daughter plays in the little playground area. Three kids got shot. Oh, man. You know, one day you're there and someone pulls out a gun. You know, that can happen. People die in a crossfire. Shit happens. Yeah, it's devastating.

What a crazy-ass neighborhood to live in. Dude. Venice apparently has a lot of that, huh? Fucking Burbank, man. I got robbed by a wizard. That's right. Right. You know what happened when I lived in the valley one time?

My neighbor got murdered. Oh, yeah. And he got murdered in the front yard at night. Shotgun shot seven times. Oh, my God. Which means they, like, reloaded oh my god and uh i was the only one that didn't hear it like everybody how loud do you snore dude i know dude because i was in a deep sleep and i remember my buddy chuck came over me and he puts his hand on my chest he's

like tommy i was like holy shit man and he goes you hear that shit i'm like clearly not no i was just fucking asleep when you yelled at me he was like there was a, man. And he goes, did you hear that shit? And I'm like, clearly not. No, I was just fucking asleep. When you yelled at me, he was like, there was a lot of shots right there. And this wasn't a bad neighborhood, really. Wow. So it was just someone really hated someone. Well, it turns out kind of when it came out that he was dealing, I guess he was dealing some pretty major weight.

So this was like a retaliation. It was something drug-related. But they never got him guys that got them. Wow. They blasted them on his front fucking yard. And they never got the guys that got them. Holy shit. I wonder how much they actually catch as far as murders go.

You know what I think about a lot? When you walk around, when you hear the percentage of unsolved homicides, how many times a day you cross paths with a murderer? Oh, I'm convinced. It has to happen oh i'm convinced yeah i don't trust anybody they say that the one way that's like the most difficult to catch someone is if they just create just do something random like walk in somewhere shoot someone and kill them and then leave like those are really i mean that's why everyone's pushing for surveillance and surveillance that's the best way to catch people? The best way to get away with it. Oh, get away with it.

Oh, just random, not premeditated at all. Not like someone who you obviously have already been pissed off at. Yeah. They say when the random ones happen, there's not much they can do. There's still a high percentage. There's a high percentage of unsolved murders, man. There's so many cases where they're just like, I just didn't get it.

That guy got away with it. Yeah. You don got away with it. Yeah. You don't have the evidence. Or sometimes, a lot of times now, it's these understaffed, at least in the U.S., understaffed police departments. They have too many murders

for how many cops they can put on to solve crimes. Right. If your murder rate keeps going up, you go to like, have you seen the murder rate in Venezuela? No. no no no thanks shit dude like uh caracas venezuela has like i think our our murder capital always fluctuates between like new orleans baltimore detroit you know sometimes it used to be like la new york miami gets in there. You're talking about in the 200 to 400 kind of fluctuation of murders. And you take a city like Caracas, Venezuela has over 1,000.

Wow. So you're talking about over four times the murders that happen in New Orleans. And then you think about how many people you need to solve, though, game. Jesus Christ. To solve, though, that many murders. You just show up, and you're just like, this is insane. We got 27 on the other side of town. I don't know if we're going to get to this one. They don't give a shit about you in Venezuela, either. Yeah, probably not.

A lot of Mexican cities have ridiculously high, like Monterey has really high fucking murder rate, man. Unsolvable. It's not solvable. Wow. You can't. It's just a part of life. Murder's just a part of life.

Yeah, you're not going to get to it all wow that sucks it's crazy that that's going on in 2012 you know because we have this sort of distorted perception of safety oh it's illusory i don't trust when people are like like strangers like this week i was in cleveland and the manager of the club was like oh let me take you to the market in cleveland i was like, I don't know, man. I don't know you. I texted her. Yeah, I texted her. I'm like, is this guy on the level?

Like, I don't trust anybody. You're right. You're right to not. Yeah, but then you ask me, like, is he going to kill me? Is he going to kidnap me? And I was like, I don't think so. Well, I grew up in LA, man. Yeah.

I'm street savvy. I don't leave windows open at night. Yeah. Yeah, she's real freaky about that. I don't trust anybody. Big city people have that fear more. You should be. Yeah, if leave windows open at night. Yeah. Yeah, she's real freaky about that. I don't trust anybody. Big city people have that fear more. You should be. Yeah, if you grew up in LA.

Yeah. You grew up with the Night Stalkers. You remember the Night Stalker? Richard Ramirez? Yeah. As a child, you couldn't sleep with your window open. Yeah. Because that guy was going to come in and steal you and stab you.

Who would your dad say? Fuck that. Oh, my dad doesn't give a fuck. My dad's Hungarian. He's like, I don't give a fuck. Fuck Richard Ramirez I'd kill that cocksucker if he comes I was like alright man

But he liked to listen to the police scanner too My dad And like figure out what crime was going on That's hilarious Yeah Yeah Richard Ramirez was a scary guy You know a lot of women try to marry that dude He's married

Yeah He's married now He's married? Good for him I hope that shit works out. Yeah. That's a terrifying dude. Yeah, he did some horrible things to people.

He was caught by citizens. That's the craziest thing. Yeah, street justice. How did he catch him? He was leaving the scene. He had tried to murder somebody, or maybe he did murder one of the people. And he was getting to his car. Was it Simi Valley, I want to say?

And people tackled him. He was tackled by everyday people. Whoa. Because his picture was all over the news at that point. This was like the height of the fever. Imagine how horrifying that would feel to see that guy in your neighborhood after his picture had been all over the news, and there he is right there. Yeah.

Coming from the scene of a murder. I think it was three people that wound him down and held him down. Why didn't they beat him to death? That's a good question. That's a really good question. I haven't read the story in a while, but I remember that. I'm pretty Why didn't they beat him to death? That's a good question. That's a really good question. I haven't read the story in a while, but I remember that. I'm pretty sure I would have beat him to death. I don't even think I would have thought twice about it.

Probably. I would have for sure. He's got a gun in his hand, too. Yeah, I would have beat that guy to death for sure. Yeah, and I don't think you'd get in trouble for it, right? I don't care. If it's a real piece of shit like that. I would say I would have lost my mind.

I went temporary insanity. Yeah. Crime of passion. Yeah, and I that. I would say I lost my mind. I went temporary insanity. Yeah. Crime of passion. Yeah. And I would. I would go temporary insanity. Could you imagine if maybe if like perhaps he killed somebody you know or you were worried he was going to kill somebody you know?

Like you were thinking about him killing your mom or something like that? Yeah. You know how fucking crazy you can get? Have you ever thought somebody was going to kill you at any point in your life? Yes. No. You? Yes?

Really? There's like a time when I was like a stupid teenager and I was high and I take a ride with someone and you're like, I'm going to fucking die. You know? Well. Or somebody that was driving me was on acid when I was like a teenager. If you look at serial killers, that's the creepiest thing ever. The creepiest thing ever is people that just decide they get a kick out of killing people.

Oh, God. And so they go look to try to find people to kill. Get a rush out of it. And you can just be in the wrong place at the wrong time running to one of those motherfuckers that's you know i know and now there's no you know there's no like rationale to like why they want to kill certain people they just have a thing for certain people well ted bundy didn't like brunettes because some brunette broke his heart. Yeah. So all the girls he got were brunettes, yeah. You know, I have met a lot of dudes that I don't think were serial killers, but I think developed a hate for women, like a real hate over years and years of rejection. Their egos can't handle it,

and they decide that there's something wrong with that person because they're constantly associating that person with negative feelings. You know what I mean? They always associate women with being rejected, with being humiliated, with being mocked and laughed at. So they associate them with pain. And their meager brains just aren't able to realize that that's just a person. That person doesn't owe you shit.

And you're really not that attractive. And why would she want to fuck you you asshole just think about what you're offering her you know I don't know how you could fix that but that's what you need

to concentrate on instead of concentrating on what people like you know getting angry at people for not liking you and that gets gets to be a weird thing it morphs into a bigger thing too

because they get to just they get to sit on it and think about it so it becomes like a bigger picture thing for them they're like all women yeah I've felt that before i've walked into like radio interview like radio stations and i the assumption is maybe they've seen photographs of me and they're like oh she's

gonna be a cunty blonde and i sometimes i sense it like the assumption is that i'll be a dick to them and i'm like no way like i'm not saying that i'm like the hottest but you know i think the assumption is if you're a somewhat attractive girl you you're going to be a douchebag. I know Ari doesn't like girls. Yeah, I did this podcast. Oh, you mean Ari doesn't like girls? Ari Shafir. He and I did a podcast.

He came over, and I just sensed that he has that thing with some girls where he thinks that we hate him. But we hashed it out. Yeah, we hashed it out. Ari's not a handsome fella. But he gets really attractive girls, though. Of course he does. He's a badass comedian. But his look is odd. You're going to have to deal with a certain amount of rejection.

Yeah. I think he's beautiful. But I mean, he's cool. So what do you mean, though? Do you really think that that's what it was? That he doesn't like women? Yeah. I think that he doesn't like women? Yeah. I think that he did have.

So it's from rejection. Yes, absolutely. Because he's had his heart smashed, I think, by some good-looking broads. Yeah. And, yeah, I mean, when it came over, I asked him that. You know, it's based on how many women are you interacting with and where are you at in your life while you're interacting with them. Yeah.

Sometimes the relationship means more than it should to you because you're you don't have a whole lot of shit going on outside of it you know and so you you know what i mean like my feelings on relationships are always if someone doesn't want to be with me anymore i don't want them to be with me yeah and that's cool in the gang and you know good luck with whatever you're on to but what did what did ari say though oh um no because i brought it up i was like i have this i i feel this unspoken animosity that you have towards me like over the years because i'd and i thought you know maybe i'm projecting maybe that's my bullshit that i'm projecting on him and uh and i was like i just sense you don't like girls like you hate women and that and he's like you I just sense that you don't like girls. Like, you hate women. And he's like, you know, maybe a little bit, you're right,

because I came up with a comedy store, and I was rolling with those boys. I mean, so I think he had a little bit of the comedy store. He was rolling with those boys? Like David, like those, no, no, not you, not you. Oh, Dave Taylor? Yeah, like those boys, they're kind of shitty. And I think the assumption he had is that if you're a cute girl, that you get ahead in comedy faster, which I don't know if it's true or not.

Maybe they do. So what? Yeah, so what? It is what it is. Yeah. You know, you recognize it. And you know what? Real quality will always shine anyway.

It doesn't matter. If someone's getting through just because they're cute, their quality of their work is going to be exposed. Well, yeah, you can't go forever. It doesn't matter. It's not going to last. Yeah, what's good is good. And if someone gets a little advantage because they're hot, good for them. They got a lucky break.

Look at that. And since when is show business a meritocracy for one fucking thing? Yeah, exactly. That's all hater bullshit. That's all that is. All that stuff is just hater bullshit, worrying about other people getting ahead. It's so dumb. It's the dumbest stuff that comedians and entertainers and i'm sure folks in

all sorts of walks of life entertain it themselves with they let their mind go into these unfixable little circles where you you know you look at someone else's success as somehow or another that's like bad for you right yeah like it hurt you you know it makes you feel like inadequate or whatever you know, you should look at that, whatever it is, and use all that shit and be inspired. That's what you should do. You should say, this is, even if someone you fucking hate is doing well, you should say, whoa, this makes me want to work hard.

This makes me want to push. This makes me want to get ahead. Use it. Use it as inspiration. But don't ever let yourself get to that, who the fuck do these fucking guys, you know, fucking sucks, what about me? Can't get to that state of mind because that's a negative, just a shit,

sloshy, no progress, wishy-washy state of mind. It's a bitch state of mind. You know, and we've all done it. I did it a bunch when I first started out, you know, when we were doing, but I was too competitive, you know when we're doing but it was i was too competitive you know like getting involved in like open mic nights like everyone was like competitive about like who did well who didn't and it was just a part we didn't know what the

fuck we were doing you know we're open micers we don't know what we're doing but i think there was there's a little something to you know to being competitive with like your peers but it should never be negative you got to keep it from being something where it's like a consuming thing where like it's you just you when i see people and i've seen it i've seen it like firsthand like recently comics that were talking about a comic that was successful and they were talking shit about him and i and i was i was listening to them talking shit about him and i can see the didn't matter what they were saying they were basically you know it's that state it's that state that that it doesn't matter what words are coming out that's a shitty state of mind you know and you can't say if a guy's doing well, that means someone's liking him. And you might not like certain aspects of his work.

But does it really bug you that much? Or is what's really bugging you the fact that this guy is doing something? Or that you're not doing enough with your own life. And that's usually what it is. When you're like, why is that person? Something's wrong with you, man. And that's usually what it is. When you're like, why is that person? Something's wrong with you, man. Yeah. Your head's not right.

Judging them on what, you know, I mean, look, there's going to be stuff you like and stuff you don't like. There's always going to be that. You know, like, I went to see that cabin in the woods.

Oh, you loved it. Loved it. I knew you would love it. Stupid as fuck. Ridiculous movie. Had a great time. Eddie Bravo's movies, like what he says about movies,

sometimes I'm on board, but most of the time I'm like really surprised. Yo, Rotten Tomatoes gave it a 91% yeah okay 91?

yeah and Eddie's like it's the worst fucking movie ever oh my god I enjoyed the shit out of that movie and then he describes it as like fucking porn coming out of his mouth slowly

yeah but Brian's like dude this might be your favorite movie dude there's even werewolves in this movie I know people got jacked by werewolves that's why I left

that's why I went to the bathroom. It's a crazy hybrid weird fucking movie. It's kind of silly. Like, there's... It's a fun movie, right? Yes, yes. But there's almost aspects of it where you could consider it a comedy.

Like, I see what Eddie was saying. It was totally over the top. But really fucking fun. Really fun. Stupid ass fucking horror movie with a massive twist the twist i won't get into yeah but uh i enjoyed the shit out of it i enjoyed the show about man yeah yeah man i'm not in the movies to to like have it mimic real life and have things be completely random and unpredictable i guess what i have a real life okay life's hard enough yeah i'm good in the

movies i want to see monsters. I want to see monsters. Okay. Yeah. I want to see explosions and aliens and UFOs. UFOs are fucking bummer movies when you see the trailer. Yeah, not a bummer movie.

Fuck you. What's that one we were like, no. First of all, I don't want to see that silent movie. What's that one?

That movie can suck it. No thanks. Fuck that movie. We invented sound for a reason. Duncan was like, you gotta see it it's great art man i don't need any more art i don't know is it was it like aids and shit yeah it's always like

what is it the house of sand and fog whatever cancer and then they shot my son oh fuck you the movie's amazing and i'm like no it's not amazing no it's not I'm not even getting bummed out I'm not even getting bummed out this is supposed

to be entertainment for me these motherfuckers take themselves so seriously and just cause you can depict something depressing

and it depresses me it doesn't mean it's good it means you did a really good job of making something fucking depressing that's not good

imagine if you were like if comedy had so much leeway if we could make depressing stand-up i guess a lot of the stand-up would be kind of depressing it would be the most depressing shit in the world so many comics just were like i'm gonna share if we told the truth you're like i'm gonna share this stuff with no jokes ready yeah yeah childhood shit that negative that negative shit you're talking about where like comics

going like fuck that you know where you see that a lot is when you do The Road and you you run into other comics on The Road who are

and a lot of times they'll start with like I used to live in LA and you're like oh yeah and they're like fuck that place man and you're like

here it goes alright open up and then they do the whole like you know it's all bullshit and I just realize like it doesn't even matter if you're any good at it and I'm like nah I think it does matter if you're like, here it goes. All right, open up. And then they do the whole like, you know, it's all bullshit. And I just realized it doesn't even matter if you're any good at it. I'm like, no, I think it does matter if you're good at it.

I think that helps a lot. And they give you the whole speech. They're like, it's all shit, and that's why I left. I used to do it, but now I like it here in fucking Podunk, Iowa. Yeah, yeah. You're like, yeah, good, man. I think you're going to run shit in this town in no time. So just stay here. The worst is then as the night goes on, he starts drinking and gets even more bitter.

That's the best. And towards the end, hey, LA guy. The LA guy is here. We should let him talk. He's the LA guy. When I moved out here, my uncle goes, I used to live in LA. I hated it. And I was like, oh.

And when he said goodbye, he was just like, yeah, by the way, I used to live in la i hated it and i was like oh and like so like when he said goodbye he was just like yeah by the way i used to live there it fucking sucks that was just for his goodbye message wow i love when people tell me that they're a good dude yeah it's my favorite that's cool man i love it there like i enjoy myself it's people that have never even been here that la has a lot of bullshit attached to it. Of course. But it's got a lot of great stuff, too. I love my neighborhood.

There's a lot of great stuff in L.A. About the comedy clubs. I mean, where is it that you have a city that has, like, Pasadena Ice House is only 20 minutes away. Okay? You got right there on Melrose, you got the Improv. One of the greatest clubs in the country. You got the Laugh Stop, or the Laugh Factory, rather, and the Comedy Store. All in one city. You got Hermosa. Yeah, or the Laugh Factory, rather, and the Comedy Store. All in one city.

You got Hermosa. Yeah, and you got Hermosa, Comedy and Magic Club. That's another... Pretty fucking dangerous. It's amazing. What? LA is pretty fucking...

No, LA in general. Oh, man. Just, you know, besides the gangs and all that crap, but just the fact that there's a lot of drugs out here, there's a lot of fucking fast cars, there's a lot of people making bad there's a lot of fucking fast cars there's a lot of people making bad decisions out here it just seems like everything he's seven he doesn't know

i i see it all the time though like i see like i'll be on sunset at three in the morning and suddenly like a ferrari goes down the street going like 200 and you're like really you just blew like like three red lights right there that's of your focuses for the shitty part of the city. All these fast fucking cars, man. They're just driving around. The real problem with the city is Lamborghinis. I'm just saying in general that it's not

normal. The people out here are in the entertainment business. They're in a certain kind of field of jobs. It's a lot of different thinking than, say, a normal city where you have a little bit of everything you know you have a little bit of people that are bankers farmers you know like like a more it's it's definitely crazy i mean i see shit all the time and i'm like if my mom saw that that would be crazy if my mom just saw that yeah yeah yeah i i agree with you to a certain

extent but it's also the circles you run in yeah i mean you're you're running around going to these crazy parties and hanging out with these weird people like you're robbed at a karaoke bar across the street from nbc in burbank in burbank that's odd but that can happen though but you know whenever there's a bar it's the you run into the possibility that someone might try to rob people coming out of the bar because people are drunk and when drunk people come out of a bar and you rob them like what you know what the fuck are the cops gonna do about that you know the cops are gonna you what is your perception gonna be like what is the story gonna be like did you really remember what the guy looked like you know what i mean if you're hammered right the cops are talking and you're like yeah i think i fucking pulled a gun on me and where's my money? Where's my money, man? The cops gotta be like,

alright, sir. Okay, you say he was black? Yeah, yeah. You know, come on. Good luck with that. That's the perfect guy to rob. So it might not have necessarily been that Burbank is dangerous.

It might have been somebody targeted that bar. People do shit like that. You are right, though, that when you're on the road, especially if you spend like four or five days and you go out kind of more the third and fourth that when you're on the road, especially if you spend four or five days,

and you go out more the third and fourth day, and you're like, this is a different speed, a smaller city. Most definitely. This is way different. Yeah, well, when I lived in Colorado and I came back to here, I noticed a huge difference in the way people drive. People drive 50% faster here, everywhere. Those fast cars, man.

Yeah. They cut a lot of people off. They don't use blinkers as much. It's way less courteous. I still feel like South Florida holds the trophy on that one. For an asshole driving? There's nothing like it. You can feel it.

As you go down 95, you hit Lauderdale. Once you get to northern Dade County, you're like, holy shit, man. I did the Fort Lauderdale and then once you get to like northern dade county you're like they're animals holy shit dude i did the fort lauderdale improv this weekend oh my gosh what a fucking great club yeah it's a great club what a fun time i guess i did it last night no night before last what's the night before wednesday i don't remember what day it is yeah fort lauderdale was fucking amazing yeah it was amazing great crowds It's a good room. They're wild. They're fucking crazy people.

Wow. Yeah. They're crazy people. I feel like you have to turn it up. That's how tired I am. I forgot about yesterday for a half a second. I know. Oh, my God.

It's ridiculous. Yeah. I know, dude. Lauderdale's nuts, man. It's a wild place, man. They fucking party hard down there in Fort Lauderdale. I think South Florida is all about, you know, you go down there and you realize that if you go actually into Miami, that you can go to places that close at 5 and that open at 5.30 a.m. for the after party.

And it's not that rare. So they clean up for a half hour? Or they just go to another place. And by the time you get there, that shit's open. Wow. You can party until noon in Miami. Jeez, it's no other like what go on and on to the break it down yeah you can fucking you get all kinds of crayons there in miami oh but when i was in um you know fort lauderdale i asked them what time is the last call they said it's 5 a.m 5 a.m

5 a.m and i'm like that's because of cocaine 100 right yeah that's cocaine changed that law yeah that doesn't make sense everywhere else is like two new york it's like four and they're like no five five how about an extra hour to move product isn't that the city that cocaine built though well you gotta think people are buying coke yeah that's the hours they're gonna be buying coke yeah it's two to five hours yeah exactly just let's keep the party rolling man let's keep the party rolling it's not a 3 p.m purchase no yeah you know get back to the gym i should get a do a bump and that you think about it all rationally i should do a bump i should do some coke right now god so many people that did a lot of coke early on in their life they have big problems when they get older with like their their their neurological system like richard pryor had a big problem and

mitzi i don't know if she really did a lot of i should probably not say i don't know that's rumor i know a bunch of different people besides that that have had like like real serious issues with their body i always had a fear that i never know what i worry about i just had a fear of that you know sometimes the scare tactic works like when i saw the like they would be like you know you can do cocaine one time you get a heart attack that somehow got into my brain when i was young enough where I was totally scared to try it. It's just too expensive, man. Like every time I did it, I used to be like, fuck, that was like a Nintendo game. You know, like that was a lot of money.

That was half my paycheck. Yeah. Do you do it? Never done it, no. Scared of it. Scared. Yeah. You know, I grew up and a lot of kids did crystal. That was like the big crystal meth. Oh, yeah. Scared of it. Scared. Yeah. You know, I grew up, and a lot of kids did crystal.

That was like the big crystal meth. Oh, yeah, we talked about this. And I don't know. It's so grody. But, you know, you can always tell when someone was a tweaker. Like, I've had some ex-tweaker bosses who, like, they can't handle more than one thing at a time. Like, as they get out of it, what? Nothing.

Listen, I'm fascinated by the insight, the mind of a tweaker. It's really fascinating. So while you're saying this, I'm really getting excited. Yeah, so, okay, I used to work retail, like on Melrose, at some shitty clothing store. It was called No Problem. That's when you were sneaking into Puerto Rican, right? This was after the Puerto Rican guy, yeah.

And I remember I had this boss who, like, if somebody came in the door and she had to ring somebody up at the register at the same time, it was like a total meltdown. Like, her brain couldn't process two things at once. And I know she was a tweaker in the past. Wow. Like, you can just see them. She's overwhelmed.

My step-sister's kind of like that, too. She used to do meth, so she's all like, like, they just get overwhelmed. You can also sometimes tell by that face, that gaunt look. Yeah. They always have the, like, some of the teeth have offset. You know, like they had some of them replaced. It's like a look. They're twitchy.

They picked it too many times. You see the scabs. There used to be this tweaker that used to hang around the pool hall that I used to go to. And I don't want to say her name because she might still be alive. And if she's still alive, she probably listens to this podcast. So let's just call her X. Okay. Okay, that's her name, X.

It's not my X. No, call her X. She wasn't anybody's X. I mean, I never saw a single guy that was, I mean, she wasn't particularly ugly, single guy that was i mean she wasn't particularly ugly but she was so cracked out all the time that it was just really odd to be around her it's like you were around someone who was going through a dream and she would like play pool by herself and like stare guys in the eyes and she was crazy and we all like she became like almost sort of family there. She was there so often that,

you know, she would like sort of kind of hit on guys but she was so crazy, like nobody wanted to have anything to do with her. I mean,

she was completely insane but she became like almost like our crackhead mascot that was there all the time and she would come in. Throw chips at her.

Yeah, she would come in and play pool and I even think she got a job cleaning up at one point in time. They gave her like her like some hours you guys used to take turns on her like when you got really drunk right in the alley i don't as crazy as pool hall people are

desperate especially 24-hour gambling pool hall places which this place was nobody fucked her nobody dude it was pretty bad it was bad but she was a she was a sweet heart of a person i didn't ever communicate with her enough to go hey like what are you doing like what you know what's going on are you doing crank you know are you doing what is it you know i didn't i never got to that conversation but man she would she would have these weird moments where she would like you know you know think maybe you and i could go to dinner something you know it doesn't think anything wrong with that we don't just go to dinner and i'm like i can't i can't go to dinner i have a girlfriend i can't go to dinner with anybody else but her well okay no problem and she would go over and like play pool and like stare at you she was really like a character in

a movie i remember me and my friend me and my friend johnny b were sitting there we were watching her once and she was giving us like crazy Googly eyes while she was knocking balls around the table She would play pool for like 20 minutes at a time then like bring the balls back So while she's doing this she's playing doing googly eyes and Johnny looks at me and my friend Johnny was like This is a really streetwise kid. He goes yo dog He goes you put her in a movie and people would say it's too over-the-top They go you gotta cut that character back

nobody's gonna believe this character some fucking crazy bitch comes in all methed out and starts shooting balls around giving people googly eyes and she would put like a leg up in the air what she would make a shot like and try to be like a ballerina or something she was completely cranked out it was really fascinating because she wasn't she wasn't that old you know she was like I believe she was probably 30 ish somewhere in her 30s yeah just yeah but it ages you completely drugs oh yeah ages you and like dog yeah it seemed like there might have been some crazy mixed in with the drugs too it seems like there was a little bit of self-medicated going on I like that there's always with with that type of person, with a crazy and or drug person,

there's a real line between you being around them and being amused and then backing off because you're kind of scared of them, even if they're not physically imposing. It's so big and so crazy what they do that you have fear on some level of how weird and crazy they get. So if it's a little bit less, you're like, oh, this is funny weird and crazy they get. Right, right.

So like if it's a little bit less, you're like, oh, this is funny. Like he's just kind of fucked up right now. But then it goes over that line and you're like, this is terrifying.

You know, when they're like, huh? You know, and you're like, oh, this is kind of, this is too much. Yeah, well you wonder

what their perception of reality is like. Whether or not they can really control themselves. Yeah. Because that's somebody that could randomly

kill somebody usually. You know, if you get fucked up and you don't know what's going on. Yeah, if someone's fucking completely methed out, how much do they even know about what they're actually doing? A lot of it, like if you just watch Cops,

you see that episode all the time where they're like in some la-la land. They would believe and do anything. They think Abraham Lincoln's chasing them, you know. Because you stay up for days. Like you don't sleep on meth. And you hallucinate. And meth isn't just kind of like a speed, right? No, it's made of battery acid and like sudefrin.

Pre-cum. It's pre-cum. Crayons. Rainbows. It gives you a speed effect, but it doesn't give you a visual effect, right? Well, it gives you, it totally impairs your judgment on top of like spiking you through the roof. Like you have in your brain, you know, what stops you from doing certain things. Your ability to make a judgment on like, I shouldn't drive 150 down this road, you know, because of the dangers that apply.

All that goes out. That's why they, you know, you've seen like I Survived. goes out that's why they they you know you seen like I survived the woman was like kidnapped and these people that were messed out just stabbing her and you know cutting her slice and they came back and they hit her with a car I set her on fire and oh my god she's when they and when they when they arrested them you know they were all tweaked out later on they were all like I didn't know that we did all that shit yeah Yeah. Jesus Christ. But that's why you should do cocaine instead. Yeah.

It's a little better of a drug. It's a grown-up drug. You know, if you can afford it, do coke. It seems like some people just want to escape reality. I mean, to be a person in this day and age that still wants to try meth for the first time, you must fucking hate your reality. Your reality must suck so bad that the idea of being horribly addicted to one of the worst drugs ever created

doesn't even phase you. Or heroin. You're like, I'm going to try it. But at least heroin has came up with some, or been connected, rather, some great musicians. That's a good point. Kurt Cobain.

I had a discussion with some friends about Hendrix, because I always say that Hendrix did heroin. And they were always, no, it's acid. But it turns out he actually got arrested for heroin. He got arrested in Toronto for heroin. So he definitely had some use of heroin. There's definitely a correlation between heroin and good music.

Yeah, I mean, I don't want to say that that was his number one thing, but I mean, Hendrix obviously was really into acid as well, and obviously a fucking musical genius. There was just some shit that some dude can tune into that the average person can't and he could just he could just nail it you know i don't think i think he would have been fucking amazing if he did nothing yeah if he just drank water and fucking grapefruits yeah you know i don't but heroin is a influence many many um a musician velvet underground yeah

lou reed right yeah did a song about heroin yeah that was scary scary to listen to though I think it was a big part of a lot of musicians experiences because it was

it's such a sensual type of experience like the idea behind it is that it's so it's so sensitive and raw the experience of

this blissful energy that the the opiates provide yeah and that you know that you can can embrace the pure sound of music and see it. I can see the appeal more of getting in. The appeal being that it's a great painkiller. It takes you to this la-la land.

You can romanticize that drug, but to start crystal meth, you're like, I want to eat rocks, man. I want to chew on rocks. That's kind of crystal meth be like i want to eat rocks man i want to chew on rocks like that's kind of like what you're saying you want to do you know i guess i don't get drugs where like you just you have crazy energy but it's unfocused energy because i think with meth like you i don't know can you do stuff yeah people do people do stuff win the nobel prize on meth i don't know i Can you make good music on meth? We'll do tasks. They'll do tasks. I think what he said about judgment,

I think your judgment is really involved in every single aspect of what you do. And when you're doing a drug that fucks your judgment. Amy Winehouse. What happened? What did he say? No, no. I was just thinking like what, I mean, Hendrix could focus on heroin. No, well, I don't think it was, I don't think he was using heroin that much.

I think it was more acid. Well, they said that one of the things he used to do is put acid in his headband, so that when he had it on, his pores would open up while he was on stage. It would drip into his skin. Wow. Yeah, I don't know if that's an urban legend, though.

Something like a hippie thing to say. It sounds like, yeah. But you can't function on acid. Sounds like someone really annoying would tell you. Yeah, but I don't know if that's true. I could never function on acid. Sounds like someone, something, someone really annoying would tell you, yeah, but I don't know if that's true. I could never function on acid.

Well, someone threw a no-hitter on acid. That's right. Who was that? Oh, yeah. I forget. Yeah.

I remember that. With the pirates? And he was like, I partied all day, and then my friend was like, you gotta play a game, man. And he had stayed up all night. Right?

Yeah, yeah. I think he was with the pirates. Doc Ellis. Oh, shit. That's funny. Doc Ellis. Yeah, he. I think he was with the Pirates. Doc Ellis. Oh, shit. That's funny. Doc Ellis. Yeah, he threw a no-hitter while on acid. And now he's the parking lot guy at that comedy store.

That story, they did a really good job of animating that online. The Doc Ellis thing? Yeah. Oh, I saw that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What was that for? I think he told that story. I forget.

I don't know who he told it to. But they did an animation to the story that's awesome. Really good. I could see how it could go right. Well, I've never done acid. I should say that right off the bat. I've only done, the only psychedelics I've ever done are DMT, mushrooms, ecstasy, which isn't really a psychedelic, right?

I've done the amanita muscaria mushroom and the other kind psilocybin but no uh no acid and no one i've ever trusted had it you know it's always been like someone's you know if it came up it was someone who just had this weird glint in their eye and i was like no no it's too complicated and it's too illegal it's really difficult to make so if you're making it like you're out there on the fringes son yeah some people just got busted No. It's too complicated, and it's too illegal. It's really difficult to make. So if you're making it, like you're out there on the fringes, son. Yeah. Some people just got busted recently, some school somewhere.

Some kids were producing acid, and they busted them. I wouldn't do acid again. I've done it probably over 100 times. Jesus. 100 times? There you go. It was probably way over 100. That's why you're seven. It probably didn't help

It's something I don't want to do Like I can't believe I do mushrooms now But now I consider I never really considered Mushrooms bad But

Mushrooms teach me shit man Every time I've done mushrooms I just have a new Revelation A new Insight in things The problem with ass Is that

It's just It's too much of a commitment Like where mushrooms Is usually like 4 or five hours. You won't do mushrooms anymore? No, I will. Lately, I'm just more scared of the mushrooms that have been going around.

I think that they're not the right kind. Have you done that over a hundred times too? Yeah, yeah. You're scared of the mushrooms that are going around? Yeah. Based on what? It's just I don't trust mushrooms as much as i i trust well it's kind of the same along the same lines like where are you getting this from you get this from someone

willing to stick their neck out and sell something illegally you know which is often case but apparently there's some sort of a loophole and truffles are not illegal like you can get like psilocybin truffles go google that shit folks don't listen to me i don't want to be a purveyor of any i've never heard of truffles schedule one schedule one information i don't know i think that that doc ellis was taking other drugs in conjunction with just yeah because i um because i've taken a lot of acid and i i don't know like you i didn't even know where i was like there are times you're like where am i in a convenience store am I? In a convenience store? Where am I?

In a convenience store? Where am I? I can't even know. But people react differently on it, right? Some people. I don't know. I wish I could know. It's just like mushrooms for the most part.

It's either it could be all visuals or it could be speedy. Oh, I hate that. Sometimes you're just in a. Well, for pool players, there's always been two things. Amphetamines and, if you can handle it, heroin. And the guys who would do heroin had no nerves. They had no nerves. They wouldn't feel any nervousness.

So they'd gamble for ridiculous amounts of money and just never miss. There was a dude, his name was Waterdog. That was his nickname. Or Buffalo Bill, depending on who you and he would always come and they would make a game. They'd figure out how much they were going to bet. And it was always a lot of money because he was like a

top level local player. And then he would go to the bathroom and he would shoot up and he would come back and he would sit on a stool and he would sit on this bar stool like this. just like this. I mean, I'm not bullshitting. His hands like a T-Rex

and just sit there for like a half an hour just blasted on heroin. And then he would get off and then he would screw his cue together and he wouldn't miss a fucking ball. He was a monster. They played on this table.

There was a gambling table that they on this table there's a gambling table that they had and a regular pool table's pockets are five inches they're like these big sloppy open pockets where you don't have to hit a ball absolutely perfectly they had these under four inches it was under four it was like three and three quarter inches it was fucking ridiculous like the ball barely fit through the hole And this motherfucker was just firing things in. He wouldn't miss. He couldn't miss. It was incredible.

He wasn't nervous at all. They were betting thousands of dollars. It was maybe $10,000, $10,000 each. It was a very high bet. Because the guy who was doing it with was a race car, or it was a horse jockey. They had different kinds of carts. Horses would pull carts.

What the fuck are those things? Wagons? Yeah, I don't know. It's like a type of racing where the horse is actually pulling a cart behind it. It's not just the horse running and the guy on top of it. And he was just a crazy gambler. He would play this fucking guy and he would get so bummed out because he knew he

couldn't the guy couldn't miss cuz he's on heroin he's on the shit that's what he said look at him the motherfucker he can't miss he's on the shit I would be complaining but he wouldn't even care that he was complaining so we said a slack jaw look and just the balls would just fire into the hole would they get into the heroin because they knew it would help the nerves like is that why they would even get into it they're degenerates you know who knows you know most of those guys they were looking to party at all times pool players are some of the wildest human beings people that have actually made a commitment to trying to make their entire

living off of tricking people to gamble with them that don't play as good as them and then and then betting all your money on that like those people are nuts bowling poker oh they're nuts i mean there's a good percentage of them that are nuts i mean a lot of them aren't a lot of them are like really cool and smart people that are just in love with pool and that's all they want to do the tournament guys you know the guys that travel from tournament to tournament you know even the best ones of them are the gamblers the best tournament guys the guys like this kid named shane van boning who's who's deaf and when he plays he shuts his hearing aid off wow yeah and he goes into his own little world and he doesn't give a fuck he doesn't hear shit he just he just

plays that's so cool yeah it does everything on feel no hearing you know it's kind of fascinating to the point where people have actually accused him of having an advantage. Sure. And one guy was playing him, this guy Earl Strickland, actually stuffed his ears with cotton and then put big, like, Really? Yeah, aviator headsets on. What a dick.

Like someone who would work at the fucking towers. Yeah. The flight guys. That's what he would wear. Yeah, and he would play pool with that on. It's hilarious. Wow. Yeah, there's some fucking towers. Yeah. The flight guys. That's what he would wear. Yeah. And he would play pool with that on. It's hilarious. Wow.

Yeah, it is. There's some fucking characters. You can't hear? Yeah, I can't hear either, asshole. Okay? He's got these goddamn huge headphones on, man. What a ridiculous asshole. With stuffing in his ears.

He's crazy. But he's brilliant. Brilliant and crazy at the same time. Yeah. These pool players, that's a nutty life. So when you ask what came first, the heroin or the pool, it was all together. Yeah, yeah. They're all hanging out at these 24-hour pool places. They were the most fun I had ever had as a kid growing up.

What city was this in that you were in? White Plains, New York. Executive Billiards. 24 hours a day. Well, we had the keys. My friend owned it. My friend Guy was the owner of the place. So we were always there.

So Guy would keep it open, and we would lock the door, and we would all play by ourselves. We had people in there gambling and playing by themselves late at night. It was just such a clubhouse. And I had, I don't want to say a cunty girlfriend, but she was a little on the negative side. And we had problems because of that. I just, I, you know, and she didn't mean to be.

She's not a bad person at all. It's just sort of the way she grew up, you know. She had a hard life. And when we were interacting, if she would, like, bum me out, or if, like, I just couldn't wait to get the fuck away from her and get back to that pool hall. Well, I knew some crazy shit was going on I knew there was two dudes

they were gambling on roaches to see which roach could get to the corner first and it was like yelling yo you can't coach the roach bro you can't coach the roach everything was always fun it was a bunch of men and there was very little violence

in all the years I was there I saw a couple minor altercations nothing serious at all but it was always fun you'd always go there and it was a bunch of men who really didn't want to grow up yeah you know and my friend max eberly who's a professional he said that there was at one point in time in this country there was a bachelor class of men that never wanted to get married they just didn't want to do it and a lot of those guys would go to pool halls and that's one of the reasons why pool halls got such a bad reputation is that you know everybody else in his mind and you know max is a really nice guy he's a very

easygoing guy but in his mind he's like why why is there this desire to get people to enforce or to live some other form of life that he doesn't want to live if he he doesn't want to get married, he doesn't want to have to have children, why can't you just let him hang out at the pool hall? But they would always be considered degenerates because of that desire. It would always be assumed that if you wanted to be someplace where you're playing pool at 4 o'clock in the morning, terrible things were afoot. Usually they were right.

They could be out doing actually bad things, so they're just playing pool. Well, the reason is because the people that are willing to be up at 4 o'clock in the morning, hanging out all night at this pool hall, are the same people who are not going to listen to whatever anybody tells them to, and they're going to want to try to do whatever they want to do. And if whatever they want to do is just gamble all day, I mean, why stop them? You know, as long as they're not robbing anybody. Yeah, as long as they're not robbing anybody. As long as they're not doing anything illegal.

There was a shockingly small amount of criminals in all the time that I hung out at these pool halls. You'd think there's way more criminals, way more crime. Very little. Yeah, because of the late night and the boozing and the drugs. No, it wasn't even that. There wasn't really that many bad guys there.

These guys wanted to do what they wanted to do. Exactly. I remember there was this one dude. It was like... These guys wanted to do what they wanted to do. Exactly. It was all like... I remember there was this one dude. It was really fascinating. He learned how to play chess in his head in prison. And he could like... He could sit down

with a chess board and he could either tell you the moves and he would watch your move and he would never move a piece. He would just tell you what the moves are. Or he could do it all in his head.

Like you have a chessboard in your hand. I have a chessboard in my hand. And I say pawn to the step. And then you have to keep a count of where all your pieces are while you're doing this. And you have to, by the way, and you have to agree. The other person has to agree. Pawn is at this spot, right? You know, you have to, like, you can't, without actually moving pieces.

Without, no chessboard. Wow. No chessboard. Yes. These guys are brilliant. See, this actually, no chessboard. Wow. No chessboard. Yes. These guys are brilliant. See, this isn't a dumb guy. No. This is a guy that just didn't want to do certain things in life.

Oh, sure. He was gambling once, and it was late at night. It was, like, after midnight. And he goes, he looked at his watch, and they were going to play another set. And he goes, do you want to play another set? And he goes, I've been thinking about getting a fucking divorce lately. So yes. Yes, I do.

And he wound up getting a divorce. He decided right there that he doesn't want anybody to tell him to come home after midnight. Sure. And he's like, shut the fuck up. I want to play pool. I'm playing pool. But he was a brilliant dude. There was a kid who was a local kid who was an actual chess champion.

Really young kid. And he was just learning dude. There was a kid who was a local kid who was an actual chess champion, really young kid, and he was just learning how to play pool, but at chess he was like a super wizard, and him and this guy would sit in a corner and they would exchange back and forth. They would go over their moves together. It was amazing, amazing to watch. Yeah, it's incredible.

That would be funny. I've never heard that before. They have a little picnic blanket, and they're both sitting there with a little picnic basket, just laying on their side, looking at each other, doing mind chess with each other, because the wind slowly blows their hair.

I'm sure. I'm sure there's couples that do that. They think it's sexy. Yeah. They think it's sexy. But you said he learned that in prison? Yep. Wow.

Yeah, I knew a lot of prisoners, or a lot of felons, rather. That I knew. There was very little crime that I saw, but I knew a lot of people who had done a lot of crimeons, rather. That I knew. There was very little crime that I saw, but I knew a lot of people who had done a lot of crime in the past. One dude, his name was International Sal. And International Sal, rest his soul, died a few years ago. And when he was younger, what he used to do is he was one of the first guys. I know.

He was a gem of a human. He was a gem of a human. And for the first days of American Express cards, he figured out how to copy the American Express card from the papers that would be left behind when you would make a transaction slip. The carbon slip. So they would make a complete copy of your card

and then use it and buy things and run up. I love it. complete copy of your card and then use it and and buy things and run up fantastic and i love shit like that and he was a notorious gambling loser he just would could not win he could not win and he would wait at the pool hall and they would come by and they would bring him thousands of dollars and he would go and blow it all playing pool like the guy who was i was talking about earlier about the heroin guy that's this guy's is george the greek and george the greek would always talk that fucking guy can't win the guy can't fucking win i'm telling you i don't give a fuck if it's an inch from the hole you bet on the other cocksucker you bet on and he would uh he would always you know just sit there and analyze this international sal character and he goes, well, let me tell you something, this motherfucker, he lost a million a month.

Lost a million a month. Whether that's true, who the fuck knows? Who the fuck knows how much he really lost? But apparently he lost an incredible amount of money playing pool.

Yeah, and the people were like, you know, just robbed him. They would just rob him constantly. So then he went to jail and then he came back out and went legit. And when I met him,

he was legit. So when I met him, it was all just the stories of international Sal. But it was fascinating. He would sit down and tell you what it was like. International Sal. Yeah. He was such a fucking degenerate name.

Yeah. I mean, it's for like a gambler or like a mobster or something. Yeah. I'm Colstow Brian. I got to speak to him like a couple of years before he died. I called up the pool hall once to say hi to everybody, and he was still alive. And I to speak to him like a couple of years before he died. I called up the pool hall once to say hi to everybody and he was still alive

and I said hi to him. I used to like the guy. I used to like hanging out and talk to him and tell him old criminal stories because when I met him he was already probably like in his 60s.

He was probably already... Yeah. I met a lot of crazy motherfuckers in that place. Whenever you're in sort of an alternate environment like that where the, you know... Like comedy clubs? Yeah, comedy clubs. Exactly. Perfect example. Derelict. I met a lot of crazy motherfuckers in that place. Whenever you're in sort of an alternate environment like that,

whether, you know. Like comedy clubs? Yeah, comedy clubs, exactly. Perfect example. Derelict. Parallel between people like that and comedy. Oh, for sure. And boxing gyms, too. Boxing gyms, too.

Anything where you're doing something that's like completely outside of the norm. Some of the funniest people I've ever met in my life have been fighters. Guys in fight gyms. I bet. Because they're so ridiculous. You know, first of all a lot of more fuck like Tate Tate used to say some funny shit man he was always saying some pretty funny shit because

he's a goddamn savage yeah there's a former mixed martial arts fighter big fucking giant caveman Viking dude stinky all? Yeah, protein bars and shit. Sure. No, he's a big dude. You've got to eat a lot. The digestive tract can only handle so much protein. It blows it out in the form of just toxic gas. But fighters have a certain sense of humor.

Much like comics do, where it's that dark, they're willing to go, where other people aren't willing to go sense of humor, pointing out something that everybody might be thinking but not everybody's saying. And don't really think before they say it kind of shit. Exactly. Very impulsive. Well, you have to almost be to try to do that in the first place because it's such a crazy thing to decide to do with your body.

To put up with the physical torture of it, to put yourself out there to get beaten. There's a little bit of that too but there's you know just the impulsiveness of you know just getting involved in it some for some people it's actually a slow thing and they you know slowly get into it and get into martial arts and eventually want to be a fighter but some some people just fucking right away want to fight there's just a wild impulsiveness to them i've seen cage cage fights where guys had literally a week's training. They had never done anything, and they were fighting, and they had a week's training,

and they just fucking go wild on each other and shit and swing and craziness, and no one really knew how to fight. It's essentially a street fight with a few rules. Remember that show we saw was at Taboo where there was a place in Australia where a guy has a circus tent, and he has fighters, like fighters yeah yes you did please keep going so so you go into the circus tent in Australia and the drunks and people off the street come in and he he says you with one with a fighter you know and you can fight a

professional fighter yeah that's so dangerous but at the same time kind of awesome and serves a function like if you're just some angry drunk 18 18-year-old boy who wants a fight, well, go over there instead of beating up. They don't have like – it's not like a Cain Velasquez steps in. They're like, this dude might kill you. It's like they're people that have – they're boxing. They're boxers. What they are is they're not championship-level boxers.

But it's only boxing? There's no kicking or anything? No, no, no. And it's just boxing. You throw on gloves. And if you throw somebody that knows how to box, just has a few years of boxing, knows how to move and jab and actually box, versus a guy who's like, I'm fucking crazy. And you're just like, here's gloves.

Go at it. That dude with the boxing skills is just going to put on a clinic. Sure. And that's what they do. And everyone's drinking. It's like a fun hour. They don't like. But what if some guy's a ringer?

What if there's some Kimbo Slice type character? Yeah. I don't know, man. I don't know. Ready to fucking knock that dude's block off. By the way, somebody. If anybody can get in, right? Yeah.

If you go to. Somebody was tweeting. The liability's got to be crazy. They're like, we used to have those here. This is 2012, man. I'm like, dude dude we just saw the show it's not like some shit I'm talking about from the 60's

I fucking love Australia dude Tommy and I had a great time there it's great country nice people we talked about it was that the Ice House Chronicles 2 Tommy and I went and we were there with Eddie Bravo and we went to see that stupid Leonardo DiCaprio movie.

Shutter Island. He was crazy. Which a lot of people liked. I liked it. I hate that fucking movie. I love that movie. That movie sucks. What is it?

Inception. Shutter Island. No. Oh, Shutter Island. I love Shutter Island. I know. Inception, I thought was pretty good. You hold on throughout Shutter Island for the twist,

and you're like, like oh so he is crazy like the thing that we kept considering the whole time right like he's great maybe he's not crazy right he's crazy and then they go yeah he was great it just it didn't make sense to me that you're showing me this you know you're showing me from his perspective first and then from an outside perspective so much more yeah movie yeah well There's a better version of it, I guess. Meanwhile, I'm like, Cabin in the Woods, awesome. Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. So we didn't like it. Me and Eddie and Tom, we were all in agreement. It felt like we got tricked. It was a trick, right? Absolutely. So we decided to get hammered. So we went to some local bar and just went crazy

we went fucking crazy we had just landed so our body clocks were like a day off and we just started buying drinks for everybody

there was like hundreds of people I don't know how much I literally spent thousands of dollars I don't know how many people I bought drinks for that's awesome

but I wanted I wanted like I don't know what. I mean, we just had a couple of shots, and the idea came across to just fucking, I could buy drinks for everybody. Let me just buy a bunch of fucking people drinks. So I just started pointing to people.

Do you want a drink, man? Dude, give me a high five. What do you want? You used to do that at the comedy store every weekend back in the day almost. Well, I would buy the whole crowd a drink if I kicked somebody out. That was my move. It happened almost every week. Yeah, well,

because there was always like, there was always at least once a month you would get like a crazy heckler. Like someone who you just couldn't deal with. You'd be like,

come on man, you can't keep talking while the show's going on. This shit is, it's annoying to all the other people around you and they all start cheering and they go like,

bro, I want you to enjoy the show. I want you to enjoy the show. You gotta stop yelling shit out. Okay? And then they'd yell shit out again. Alright, fuck this. You gotta go. And then when it got to that point, I'm like, I'm sorry. I want you to enjoy the show. But you've got to stop yelling shit out. Okay? And then they'd yell shit out again. All right, fuck this. You've got to go.

And then when it got to that point, I'm like, I'm sorry, dude, but you've got to go. And then when the people would leave, I would say, look. And that felt creepy, right? It felt like daddy came home and yelled at mommy. I go, I don't want anything uncomfortable. So my custom is when I kick someone out, I buy everyone else a drink. And so everybody goes, yay. I go, I want us to have fun.

I don't want to have to deal with that, but it's my job. Unfortunately, when there's someone like that, you have to deal with them because it's interrupting the show for the other people. It's fucking with the performance. And there's nothing you can do about it other than address it. You have to address it. I think some people don't consider that aspect of it the most, too, is that a lot of times people think that that person's just bothering you,

and they're not even considering the fact that maybe in that section where that asshole keeps yelling shit out, there are 25 people around him who are like, I wish somebody would get rid of this motherfucker because he's ruining my experience. There was a couple of those in Florida. There was several kickouts in Florida. One of them was a cop.

A cop? Yeah. Turns out the chick was outside, and they put her hands on her. She pulled a badge out on the guy. Wow. Yeah, she said, get your hands off me. And this bitch, she got kicked out for being hammered, and she was a cop. But there was several people that got kicked out.

One of them was a table that wouldn't shut the fuck up, so the neighbor table slammed his hand on the table and said, shut the fuck up. And then the guy got up and he was enormous. It was a huge mistake. I mean, the guy didn't do anything. But holy shit, what I'm talking about. This is like a, he looked like a football player, like a 300 pound football player. I was like, holy fuck, that guy's big.

And he's pointing down at them. And I'm like, oh, please, Lord. Not a fucking bench clearing brawl. So I asked him, I said, sir, what's going on, sir? Can you tell me what's going on, sir? And I hear a lot of, fuck you. You fucking touched my table. And I'm like, sir, what happened?

Were you enjoying the show before all this happened? And this lady goes, before these fucking assholes had a slap down on our table. So they take her husband out. And I go, ma'am, we're going to need you to calm down. Are you going to stay? You're going to stay and they're going to arrest him? Is that what's going to go on? Like like what's going on now they're just gonna kick him out yeah and they just kicked him out and then she said you know you know they were

fucking slapping on me and then the table goes yeah we slapped on your table because you wouldn't shut the fuck up and everybody went yeah and the whole place started cheering you know for this guy and i'm like wow like those and i, I go, have you ever done mushrooms? And then I go, you probably haven't done mushrooms, right? I go, because if you did, you'd feel terrible about this. You'd realize you're just being real negative and selfish. This is just creepy. You want to talk, and you're mad.

I go, you should feel horrible that you were so talkative that people had to slap their hand on your table because you were interrupting their fun, their evening, their good time with your squawking. And she gave me the finger and i said well that's really bad karma right there i go what you're doing right here karma the wrong kind of energy that's the wrong signal it's not nice yeah but it was just one of those things where you just you're you're gonna run into a certain percentage of those people. It's going to happen. Yeah. It's fun, though.

It's part of what. Look, everybody got out of it. No one got hurt. People got drunk. People got kicked out. But at the end of the day, the rest of the audience had a great fucking time. That was one of the nuttiest shows ever. The one where the lady and the guy got kicked out.

That's chaos. Yeah, I've seen some wild ones, man. I saw a guy in the audience one time punch another guy. Whoa. Yeah, I've seen a brawl. I've seen some wild ones, man. I saw a guy in the audience one time punch another guy. Whoa. Yeah, I've seen a brawl. I've seen a brawl or two. During your show? Yeah.

Like in the showroom? Yeah, I've seen it a couple times. I've seen guys get in fights. It's almost always someone talking. I saw a guy, the guy that punched the guy, punched him because they told him to shut up. Oh, yeah, always. Yeah, always. Yeah.

Always. Shut the fuck up, man. Will you stop talking? I love that. I love the punk rockness of stand-up. Like, it's the only form of entertainment where the audience

is allowed to, first of all, like, eat nachos and drink and shit and then, like, yell at you. Like, what other, like, in the theater,

like, if we were proper performers, that could never happen. Like, if we were just stage actors and shit, like doing plays. You can't yell at people. No, it's not acceptable. Like it's so bananas. It's not acceptable.

Bananas. Yeah, yeah, it's not. I hate this play, man. I know. You mean never? Never. Did you see the YouTube video of the guy who's doing this performance art piece in New York and there was a big Christian

contingent in the audience? No. You haven't seen this? No. I forget the dude's name. I should probably YouTube it or something like that. Christians walk out on I don't even know how I would YouTube it. I don't even know how I would find it. If you could find it, Brian,

this Christians walk out on live performance they poured water on his notes he was doing a bit and in the bit he was like there's it's something to do with if you were having sex with um paris hilton like in the moment you'd be saying you'd be fucking going wow i can't believe i'm fucking paris hilton and then paris hilton would be thinking i can't believe I'm fucking Paris Hilton. And then Paris Hilton would be thinking, I can't believe I'm fucking Paris Hilton at the same time. It was really, you know, it was kind of funny. And this guy gets up, and then they all get up.

There's like 80 people that were there from a Christian group, and they start pouring water on his notes. And these were his original notes. And this is, he doesn't have anything typed out. He has it all, his whole show written down on these notes this guy poured water on it and it

you know it was like they were pissed and storming out of there because they thought that somehow or another this was how is this effective

I don't know they tried to grab his notes they're just big Paris Hilton fans no I just think there was the idea of them someone talking about

fucking in front of them they're a bunch of creepy weirdos is really basically what it is you know look the whole idea of them, someone talking about fucking in front of them, they're a bunch of creepy weirdos is really basically what it is. Yeah. Look, the whole idea of these Christian groups and you're going to go up and pour water on someone's notes and you're going to be upset at them for their words,

you stupid fuck, that's anti-Christian, you dummy. Right. That's absolutely the antithesis of what you're supposed to be doing. I heard people get upset about stuff when they yell at you. I love when they're just so upset about a certain topic or joke. I remember with you one time, I don't know, is this on your last special

with the baby? Which one? The baby... I don't think he's doing that. Which bit? The kids getting... If I walked in on a little... No, that's never been on any special.

Is that coming on this one? I don't know. I haven't been doing it. I think that bit might have passed its time. Yeah. Sometimes I have bits that just pass their time. Sure. But people get upset.

They get upset. They're like, how dare you? That's a five-year-old boy or whatever. You know what I'm going to do with that bit, man? I'm going to use that bit as like a fucking bonus extra. Yeah. I always liked the bit. I always liked it too.

It got me a little hard. You know what it did? I didn't do it well in Ohio to the special. It was like something was off and I decided to like get it out. Yeah. Yeah, people get it. Yeah, I like when they get righteous right about a topic righteous indignation Yeah, like I talked about some guy that was that's fucking a dolphin

He was on the Howard Stern show and he was having sex with his dolphin Whoa like regularly and I just you know, I didn't fucking make it up. I'm just reporting and people are like, oh, oh No, oh no, it's like really you don't think in the world that this exists as a grown-up top, you know It's just right now, you haven't really quite gotten your full stride as far as people recognizing how funny you are and having your own crowd. I'm sure your podcast has changed a lot of it, right? It's helped. It's definitely helped.

And by the way, folks, the podcast is called Your Mom's House. Why? Why? Why is it called Your Mom's House? We're obsessed with with that whole phenomenon of calling each other mom well like what's the worst thing you could call your spouse is like mommy right and we started doing it like in 07 or 08 and it just stuck and it's just part of our vernacular like i'm going out to the store i'll be back mommy like just just stupid to say

like silly so dumb and then i always thought that your mom jokes were dumb It's just juvenile Yeah it's just juvenile The whole show is juvenile So just to say your mom's house It's like where are you going? I'm going to your mom's house It's just silly to say, it's dumb But that's what amuses me

You guys are both very silly You're my favorite married couple that are comedians Because you're the only ones that are still together. Thank you. I know, right? Everybody else I know, they drop like flies. Yeah. Oh, my gosh.

Yeah. I don't know many others. Well, you know, there's in our business. You guys want some more of this? Yeah. Not baby powder. Thank you. There's in our business, there's a lot of us that are fucked in the head

like for sure i mean this job is it's almost a uh a given that there's going to be a certain amount of you're fucked in the head if you want to become a comedian for sure and so then to find someone who's got the right kind of fucked in your head that meshes with your kind of fucked in the head that's what it's all about yeah that's what it is right that's a completely it's the best way to break it down yeah but it's all like fucked in the head is what it's all about. Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah, that's what it is, right? That's completely, it's the best way to break it down. Yeah, but it's all, like, fucked in the head people think is bad, but it's not bad. If it wasn't for all of my fucked in the heads,

I wouldn't have ever gotten anywhere. That's right. Because most of my impulses are to do things that are fucking completely risky, really have a fucking terrible future success ratio, you know, really no chance you're going to fucking get by. You know, if you had a kid and he risky, really have a fucking terrible future success ratio. You know, really, no chance you're going to fucking get by. You know, if you had a kid

and he said, hey, Dad, I'm thinking about being a stand-up, you'd be like, oh, fuck. Yeah, bad. Oh, Jesus. Don't do that. Especially if he wasn't funny.

Ugh. Like that, exactly. That's how my mom treated it when I told her I was going to do it. Oh, I dropped out of law school to be a comic after two weeks. Imagine that. And my parents are immigrants who escaped from hungary to come here oh my god the double uh jesus christ yeah but it is that we met like we talk about that like law school who else would uh tolerate the

worst man tolerate what you say you know yeah because uh i'm you know we're very inappropriate by normal people whatever standards outside of comedy world people. Yeah. I was talking with Amy Schumer about this. We're sitting down and she said something about her mom, like what her mom was made of. And somehow or another I got to asking her whether or not her mom was a cunt or insinuating her mom was a cunt. And I was like, it's so fun that you know with comedians you can do that. Yeah. And it's fun. My mom is a cunt. But I was like, it's so fun that you know with comedians you can do that. Yeah, and it's fun.

My mom is a cunt. You can say that. Right. But if you say that to a lot of regular people, they're like, fuck you, man. That's my mom.

Bro, that's not cool. We say that to each other. That's the dude. What's his name? His name is Mike Daisy. He's the audience protest on YouTube. Look how badass Brian is.

How did he not win the Shorty Award, dude? Because it's not real. Do you want to hear it? Yeah, yeah, play it. It's kind of interesting. You can never fully be in that moment because you're thinking about what that moment signifies. And Paris Hilton, what's Paris Hilton thinking? Paris Hilton is

thinking, oh my god, oh my god, I'm Paris Hilton. That was the punchline that I had already gave away your now they get up and so he's sitting there he's got this change how big a space getting up I think it's like 40 people or something like that it was like the first time his show had sold out and now he doesn't know what's going on he's sitting there they're getting up and then one guy takes his water and he starts pouring it on the notes so Christian like and then he sho takes his water and he starts pouring it on the notes so christian-like

and then he shoves the water bottle in mike's glass wow yeah he just got up and fucked with them and they said they're leaving because of the language that's the producer and so he tries to talk to them he gets up and he like he's the all these people are filing out any of you people are leaving want to stay and talk about this or do you ever run out like Howard Do you want the to just walk out of here? Hey, ma'am, you appear to be an adult. Would you like to stay and talk about this?

Alright. Okay, so then he gets back and he kind of like, he takes it really well. He comes back and sits down and starts joking around about it. Are you guys leaving? Is there anyone that would like to speak to what? Ma'am, please take a message back to your people. People of Earth. Find out what you're going to see before you see it.

When you decide to vote, do it to my face! You just go. Get out of my theater. We're going to stay and stay. I can't believe none of you would have the guts to stay here and talk to me. That guy doesn't sound gay. Jesus, why? Are you with this group? Oh, okay, well, we don't have to.

We were talking already. But the point is, just like your shows, a lot of people, they don't know exactly what you're doing. They're coming to a comedy show. Just whatever. Yeah, whatever's there. But you wouldn't do that to a movie. You don't want what's playing at the movie theater. I don't care.

I'd pay money and two drinks and everything. Assholes would. Yeah. Yeah, assholes would. They would yell out at the movie theater too. Yeah. The crazy thing about when they go to comedy is when they assume that the show and the comedy

should be presented to what, like when they think it should be presented to their tastes. Yeah. In other words, when they're like, yeah, but I'm not into this. This isn't for you. I had a lady yell out next subject once at the conference. Next subject. I think she even

said drop it. Next subject. Wow. I've had that when they go, move it along. Let's get past this. It was my cloning Jesus bit. It was a company called uh i forget what it was it was it turned out to be parody um and what they were oh oh the uh second coming project that's what the idea was the idea was they're going to take genetic material off the

shroud of turin and they were going to use it to clone jesus and then my joke was like that stuff first of all is not not 100% accurate. Like Dolly the sheep, they had to clone a bunch of dollies before they got one that would live. I go, what if they clone Jesus and he comes back retarded? I go, what happens then? And I go, dude, what do you want to do? It's your call. I go, I say we follow him.

It could be a test. It feels like a test to me. And then like, instead of turning water into wine, he would turn dog shit into cookies. That was his move. I like that, Jesus. And then I had this bed and I was in the middle of doing it

and this fucking chick just goes, she just goes, next subject, next subject. But people feel like if you're, especially if you're saying something about religion which even though

to the rational person it really is kind of silly to be connected inexorably to some ideology who's ringing who's that it's probably the most

unprofessional person in the room it's probably me then I thought it was Tommy why am I so unprofessional I'm just kidding how dare you seven year oldyear-old red man. Hey, so I got a new game for you guys to play.

I don't know. What's the game? Try to not flush the toilet as long as possible. So you have to stack your shit on hers, vice versa. No, it's a poop pile. Yeah. Well, I call it Flushless in Seattle. Just try it and see if you can go three days.

That's my cutoff. Tommy wins after one performance. I'm sorry about that. My apologies for the phone ringing. What the hell were we talking about? I shut the other phone off, didn't I? Hopefully. You're talking about...

Jesus, Bits. Oh, next bit. People freaking out. Yeah, it's just a, you know, especially what I was saying is when it's a religious thing, like people really feel like this is something you are not allowed to talk about. Yeah. You know, is this is my religion it's funny when they say that you shouldn't talk about politics or religion those are two things you should avoid well those are the only there's

only a couple left for me to find out if you're crazy what do you think about ghosts you know you ever see a ufo there's only a couple more things i have left for me to find out if you're fucking crazy you know after what you get through politics or as soon as you go well you know i've always been a republican i'm gonna stick with the party i think the party line is absolutely right and sometimes we go a little off track oh you crazy asshole yeah so if i can't talk politics with that guy we could we're gonna talk bigfoot we're gonna talk sasquatch yeah people get really fired they get fucking mad man they feel like they're they're allowed to get mad too it's not like if they

disagree with you they take pride in getting mad about it sure well it's righteous it is it's righteous to be offended

of you know of finding an excuse to commit violence you know I mean that guy only poured water on the notes but I mean

how close you know you pour water on some dudes notes and they're gonna fucking throw a water bottle at you and you might hit them and they might hit,

you know, it might turn into some physical altercation. That's, you can't pour water on someone's fucking notes because you don't like what they're saying.

That's a complete douchebag move. Unless the guy's notes are all a bunch of lies about you or something and you're mad. Sure. But if it's about

Paris Hilton, you fucking weirdo. That's what you're picking your bowels right there. So this was not like a protest to go to this show. This was actually a group that went to a show. Yes. And we're like, we don't like this. Yes.

Well, he says the F word. Yeah. And then these grownups can't handle hearing fuck. What kind of show? Is he on Broadway or some shit? I don't know. It's in New York. I don't know.

It's in New York. That's so nuts, man. Poor guy. It's fascinating. I don't want to hear the in New York. I don't know. It's in New York. That's so nuts, man. Poor guy. It's fascinating. Don't want to hear the F word. The F word. The way he handled it was really interesting, too. He was much more offended than I think a comedian would be in the same situation.

It's like they came to his show and they fucked up his whole thing. Yeah, we're just used to being fucked with. Yeah, we're just used to being fucked with. It's just par for the course. Like, Friday late show, let's do it. Oh, God. Here we go. Friday late show is always the most brutal, right? Yeah used to being fucked with. Yeah, we're just used to being fucked with. It's just par for the course. Like, Friday late show, let's do it. Oh, God. Here we go. Friday late show is always the most brutal, right?

Yeah. Everyone's hammered. Everyone's tired. Yeah. And you don't go when they're leaving. You don't go like, does anyone want to stay and discuss this? You're just like, get the fuck out of here, you piece of shit. Not even selling merch.

No. Yeah, Jesus Christ. Go fuck yourself. Those are brutal shows yeah how about the late show saturday when you have to do three that's a nightmare i gave up on those the moment i could i remember those i'd get those calls no third show on saturday no no third show well last time you were here we do the third show on saturday it's pretty successful yeah yeah yeah for you not for my fucking soul not for my soul comedy after that

how many people are asleep at those shows like literally asleep yes like sitting there drunk to the point of just complete incoherence you're doing that third show oh you kind of feel like this were a 15 minute show this wouldn't be that bad right yeah yeah they're still into it and then that that all of a sudden the headline spots brutal right the road starts to turn sometimes you'll see uh your feature have a great set right and then you get up there and you're like 10-15 minutes and you're like this is starting to change there's a wall that you hit at like 20 and you can just see their face glaze. Yeah, that wall matches the amount of shots that have been poured in that room. You start to feel like, oh, shit.

Midnight show, you should cut short. I would say do a 45-minute set or a 40-minute set at the most. If you've got to do a midnight show. But those fucking shows, the good thing about it, like Ari Shaffir and I were talking about the opening spot. One of the things that makes you really powerful is doing an opening spot where you have to go on first the crowd's not warmed up at all and you go on doing that is like it makes you really fucking focus and lock in quickly you

can't you can't just coast on the energy that's already been on stage before you and when two when people do well you know and they're going before you you you can just ride their energy you just go up there and coast but the but to open up yeah it's really strengthens your act you know like i remember i watched you do it a bunch of times when we went on the road and you know i could see you like setting up right away you want to make sure that you come out of the gate strong confident hit them with some good shit right away. It's like it's a tricky little first moment. The first moment they see you up there.

They're like, hmm, how's this going to go? It's so important, though, to try to do it right, right away. You get them on board immediately, and then you get your own wave. It's super strong for your act. Totally. You really learn how to develop weapons, like an opening weapon. and then you get your own wave yeah it's super strong for your for your act totally yeah and you really learn how to develop like weapons like an opening weapon you know i just know this one's gonna kick them right in the dick that's why i love black audiences like i did cleveland and there's so many black people and i love them they're my like they're my favorite because

if they smell your fear you're if they even sense for a minute that you hesitate or that you're afraid of them like the whole energy shifts but if they like you and they see that you don't give a fuck about what they think of you right you're you're good yeah i did a lot of black clubs in boston did a lot of shit and mattapan and there was a a dude who uh booked these really good clubs they were really, but it was all black crowds, and it paid better than the white shows. It was great. It was fascinating, man, watching.

One guy couldn't do his room because he had a strict censorship policy, very strict. He would, like, give the comics a speech before the show. It was hilarious. My friend John worked there. He goes, no motherfuckers, no motherfuckers. motherfuckers he goes no bitch okay that's a lady and he goes you don't say oh that bitch had a big ass you say that woman had a wide behind coaching he actually said that you don't see that girl had a big ass she had a wide behind

and they made people do you know like a really clean censored comedy but like it was one of the best rooms it was one of the rooms where i wish that i did clean comedy because you could fucking crush that room like they were they laughed hard it was uh one of the first times i ever saw reggie mcfadden too reggie mcfadden who's one of those guys That I never understood Why Reggie McFadden Never became fucking huge The Reggie McFadden That I knew From like 1990-ish 1991

I was convinced That that kid Was going to be like One of the top Stand-up comedians In the country And one of the places I saw him

Was at the Champagne Comedy Club No motherfuckers No motherfuckers You can't say bitch That's a lady That's a lady you don't say that bitch had a why that bitch had a big ass she had a wide behind yeah you have to say that

he had very strict rules god thank god you don't have to be a clean comic these days like it's brutal that shit's over cable well you know what people don't understand is that everybody sort of got the idea that clean comedy was smart comedy because of television. Right. You know, the only reason why you had to have things clean on television is because you didn't want to offend the advertisers. It's really simple. So everybody basically became a bitch to the advertisers. The advertisers don't want you talking about overthrowing the government.

That's why they censored Hicks' shit when Hicks was on CBS. You can't show tits and boobs and smoking weed. You can't show smoking weed. You can't show a lot of things. Advertisers, they want to be able to sell to the most amount of people possible. There's no artistic integrity or the right to opinion. All that stuff's out the window when you're selling shit. Well, that's interesting.

That kind of explains why tv sets are still sort of middle of the road sure in terms of like late night they censor the shit out of your set you know there's very few like really edgy topics you could get away with if you you know you're doing a letterman set are you doing this you know that's not where it's for what it's for you know it's a it's it is what it is but i don't think it's a more clever way of doing comedy i've always found that it's you know to put shackles on yourself as a writing exercise i absolutely agree with i think i like to do that that's one of the things i like about twitter is the 140 character limit i think you know i think it actually helps my writing like little zingers you know little quick lines but i think to to try to put like you know it's it's uh

it's hard to figure out how to do comedy and do it like the most with like the most effective way with the least amount of extra words like you ever watch a guy talk on stage and you go this like get to the fucking point like the jokes are really funny but the setup is like too clunky there's too much words there but then you watch a guy like joey diaz and one of the the art form that is joey is joey uses the least amount of words possible for the most impact like he's a he's brilliant at that yeah you know it's a great way it's a great formula period like the thing that i see people like younger comics i think screw up with the most is not saying they don't have a clear view

of what their point is. In other words, they have their joke but if you make the setup and the point that you're making up front clear, your joke will be more effective about it. But they talk around their point. The premise is like, I think you're

saying this. And they have a joke and they're like I wonder why that joke Doesn't go A big part of it Is listening to your recordings I should do that man It's fucking huge

I hate hearing my own voice Everybody does Yeah Yeah but you gotta do it I know Do you have an iPhone? Yeah yeah Yeah do you have that

Voice notes thing Yeah yeah Do you record your sets? I've done it once or twice It's fucking amazing I know I have to Set it on a stool Yeah yeah I do all the time I listen to it all the time And it's fucking amazing. I know. I have to start doing it. Just get back and listen to it. Set it on the stool right away. I do all the time.

I listen to it all the time. And it helps me a lot because if I take like a week off, I'll just listen to like four or five sets in a row and it's like I'm right back in groove. Isn't that crazy that a week off is like a month off? I don't like taking a week off. No. I like to do at least one set a week if I'm in the warm up stages. But because I'm doing this thing in Atlanta, I did Fort Lauderd one set a week, you know to war like if I'm in the warm-up stages But like because I'm doing this thing in Atlanta

I did you know Fort Lauderdale for a week and then I was here for a week and then before that we were in Louisville For a week, so it was like Getting comedy shape. Yeah, you get you get used to banging it out banging out banging. Yeah Yeah, yeah, I don't like taking a week off. I've took I took it more than a month off before banging yeah yeah yeah I don't like taking a week off I've took I took it a month more than a month off before yeah it's weird that's the most I've ever taken off in in ten years is about just under a month yeah yeah people don't understand it's like you there's a certain amount of conditioning that's necessary to be a comedian it's like a certain amount of getting used to it and

doing it all the time like it almost like like you know like radiation you gotta fucking build up a tolerance for it or something yeah you know which is a terrible uh analogy because you can't build up a tolerance for radiation i don't know but it is very momentum based like you carry that momentum if you're doing a lot yeah and you go like go take your thing it's like yeah and you've been doing it if you take weeks off and you go try to do so you're like i was fucking well when we worked together we did that um maxim comedy thing in in phoenix the first time we worked together that's right and me and charlie murphy and john heffron had been doing these dates all over the country we did like 22 shows in a row so we were just on fire yeah and so what a great feeling that is

when you're doing that many sets and you just go out there and fucking level it. You have it so fun. Yeah. So you know exactly your beats and you figure it out that you can add something here and change something there. That was a fun time. And that's where I realized what size balls Charlie Murphy has.

Charlie Murphy has gigantic balls. Literally? Like big? No. We balls literally like big no put them out and put on our foreheads take pictures hold the hostage no he he would he was like headlining dude he'd only been doing comedy for like two years yeah it's crazy he was headlining and doing an hour and he'd only been doing comedy for two years he he has massive balls that guy he just basically took an opportunity he got on the chapelle show he's basically an actor before that took that opportunity started doing these little things

where he would host things and then people started giving him money to headline and next thing you know he's a fucking professional comedian and now he's headlining all over the world yeah it's crazy you know i mean that's that's balls i mean he was in his 40s when that all happened wow you know that's why could you imagine starting in your 40s that's so bananas to me i fucking loved hanging out with him though he's a great guy loved hanging out with him on the road remember how much fun charlie was charlie murphy and rich i went to i went to dinner with them one of those nights oh yeah they took me to dinner couldn't have been nicer he had me pissing my pants like just the stories talking about that was fucking hanging out with mike tyson and oh yeah that

story that he told on the podcast about the lion did you ever hear that story he told didn't someone animate that shit i don't know i feel like somebody animated the story the lion he also told me something maybe i'm getting confused story about like somebody disrespected him in front of his dad and he had this like he got so enraged. But the way he told the story, you weren't like, wow, this is serious shit. I was just like fucking crying, laughing about how upset he got. He's just natural.

And there's a reason those true Hollywood stories are so funny. His way of telling a story is just, you know what I mean? His diction and the cadence and the way he paints a picture That dude's just naturally funny Yeah it's the Joe Rogan Experience

Mike Tyson YouTube This is Just go to He was on our podcast When we talked about it dude So If you go to Go to the Joe Rogan Experience

Mike Tyson He talks about Mike He visited Mike Tyson Over his house And it's And somebody animated it Oh that's cool

Yeah He has great diction. Yeah, he does. I seen Mike come running. Yeah, Mike. It was really weird because we didn't know him at all and then next thing you know,

a month, every single day, we were hanging out with him. Couldn't have been better. Couldn't have been a different city. That was exhausting. It was great. That's awesome. Yeah.

It was the most confusing time ever, though. We didn't know where we were. We would, though. We didn't know where we were. We would wake up. We didn't know where we were. We got to the bus? Yeah. Were there tour buses and shit? No.

I think we flew every day. We were supposed to have a tour bus, but the tour bus ripped us off. What? Oh, that's right. They scammed you. Yeah, they scammed us. They had an address, and we drove to where the address was, and it was literally an abandoned lot.

They scammed. Wow. Yeah, they scammed Sussman. Yeah, see, this is it, buddy. Wow. This is the animation where he's talking about Mike Tyson. Oh, that's weird. I've never seen that.

Yeah, if you could find that, folks, if you're interested in it, I'll tweet it later today. Oh, and I told you to ask him, because I was at another story. Oh, that's right. Yeah, you texted me. I was like, you've got to ask him about Johnny Gill. He's hanging out with Johnny Gill. And Johnny Gill's like, I could fuck up Oscar De La Hoya. He's like, I'm going to tell Oscar that shit.

That's right. That's rad. Yeah. Well, Charlie was an old school karate guy. Yeah. Charlie Murphy was an old school karate guy. He was doing karate from the time he was a young kid. So me and him had a lot of karate stories and martial arts stories.

He's a huge martial arts aficionado. He sees you, he'll go, ush. Really? Yeah. He knows everybody that knows something about fighting. It's funny when somebody who says, I could whoop that guy's ass. You're talking about a professional fighter. Oh, it's a horrible thing to watch, but I've heard it come out of many a guy's mouth. you're talking about like a professional fighter oh it's so it's a horrible thing to watch but i've heard it i've heard it come out of a many a guy's mouth many a dumb they

talk about bro it all i have to do is hit him once let me tell you something you're raya faber he fights at 135 pounds and if you're like some regular dude and you're six foot three and you weigh 230 pounds that little dude's gonna fuck you up he's gonna fuck you up he's gonna be doing things to you that you don't even know what he's doing before he's doing them right and it'll be too late and if he gets a hold of your neck you're going to sleep it doesn't matter if you weigh 300 pounds if your eye of favor can get a real guillotine around your neck night night night night you go sleep it doesn't it's not that hard to cut off the blood to the brain you know you just pinch those arteries together and if you have a good grip and your riot does if he can hang on and keep that guy from prying him off for just 15 seconds I bet he can do that I bet he puts that

guy to sleep he you know there's there's a lot of dudes out there that are professional fighters and I bet they get disrespected occasionally occasionally by dummies but for the most part I think people are pretty cool about it well the thing was the the whole reason we were talking about that with that story about Johnny Gill and Oscar De La Hoya is because people would say it about Oscar Moore because he had the pretty boy image. That pretty boy could fuck you up, dude.

Manny Pacquiao. I met Manny Pacquiao. He's like this tiny guy. He's real super sweet and friendly. Manny Pacquiao will fuck you up, man. And it would happen faster than you could get your hands up. It would be over before you positioned yourself for your

first punch. Margarito, he broke both his eye sockets. So fast, so strong. How do you heal that? You go to surgery. He had an artificial implant in one of his lenses. One of his lenses apparently got damaged in the fight, too.

His eye completely swole up. One of them was just really fucked up. And apparently, just Manny Pacquiao just tuned his face up. And what's really crazy is, like, earlier in the fight, like, he was saying to his corner, Manny's got no power. He's got no power. I don't know if Manny, like, baited him in. Like, maybe Manny played pity pat with his face a little bit and then started landing some bombs on him but you're just dealing with a guy that

you know there's that level that manny pacquiao level floyd mayweather level there's their masters oh yeah you know juan redwell marquez super elite masters of boxing yeah and it's so fun to watch yeah it's so fun i've been going to this boxing gym and there's this junior uh olympian who does his sparring there really and then i'm sitting there after like uh basically like a class and the sparring is going on and they're rotating people in and they send this kid who's really fucking moving he's landing stuff he's getting hit too but i'm like i'm like this kid's good and they're like yeah he's been doing it for eight years. And I was like, well, how old is he? And like, he just turned 15.

And I was like, that kid could fucking kill me. Holy shit. That 15-year-old sophomore in high school could kill me. You know? He's just watching him move. And he just had, you know. Dad, they're fearless when they're that young, too. Totally, yeah. There was a kid that used to come to our jiu-jitsu school.

And his dad used to bring him in when he was in high school. He was sort of being partially homeschooled, partially tutored by different people. But his dad was real attentive. And his dad would bring was in high school he was he was sort of being like sort of partially homeschooled partially tutored by different people but his dad was like real attentive and his dad would bring him into high school this kid was an assassin he was an assassin he was 15 years old and i was a grown man and i outweighed him by like 50 pounds and when we would go at it i'd have to watch my fucking p's and q's because that kid was looking to put me to sleep we would go to war i would have amazing i would have to rascal I would have to wrestle a little rascal if I could get a grip on him. Yeah, it's amazing.

It's scary. 15-year-olds, man, they got no... And that's what he was into. He was into jiu-jitsu. I mean, he's amazing at it now. I mean, he was into jiu-jitsu. He was into choking the shit out of people. That's what he was concentrating all his time on.

When you're a kid, too, and you find one thing that you're really fucking good at and that feeling of being really good at something is so fucking nice for kids especially i don't i mean i don't know if it goes both i'm sure it does go both ways but especially i think when you're a 15 year old boy and you're looking for that oh yeah direction and approval and you find an activity that you get told you're good at you know and for sure yeah focus on that it's also when you do something and it's hard to do, and then you do it, you go, oh, I did that. Like, I went through something that I had doubts,

it was hard to do, but I did it. Now I could probably do something else. Like, it gives you this feeling that you can, you know, just attempt things and accomplish things. Oh, yeah. I mean, occasionally I think about, like, what it would be like to own a restaurant. Not that I want to own a restaurant

I absolutely don't but you know and I watch like one of these TV shows on restaurants like Anthony Bourdain's show or something like that when you deal with these guys

who are working 16 hours a day and the preparation of food and then going to the market and gathering up all the ingredients and creating the menus and it is their life and you know

and you stop and you think about it like could you do that you know would you do you think you could you know the of fucking, I'm absolutely positive I could do it if I was so obsessed. If I was obsessed in that way to do it. But everybody's got their own little whatever the fuck it is. Hopefully.

I don't know if everybody does. I hear some people don't. You have to put so much time and energy into stand-up, into being a comedian. But that's because we love it. Like you're always thinking about for sure things and material and this and that but with food no do you ever do things like on purpose hoping that it'll be funny like go go places like okay this i probably get some material out of this yeah oh yeah yeah totally right yeah well the longer you do it to you the more you feel you know, if I try this thing right now and it doesn't work out, like, it's okay. Right.

I know how to get back on the horse from here. So, like, you take more risk, I think, the longer you've been doing it, right? Like, I feel like if I bring up some shit right now and this fucking fails horribly because I don't know what jokes I'm going to say. Right. I'm going to see what happens. I can still recover from this show and just be like, that was some weird shit. It didn't work out.

It's fine. And then sometimes you get a good joke out of it, though, just by trying it. But I wouldn't have tried that five years ago. Yeah. Yeah, sometimes I'll go down dark roads on stage just to see where my fucking head pulls me out. Like if maybe some way there's a way that I can rescue myself. But in life, I definitely way there's a way that I can rescue myself, you know, but in life, I definitely have done a bunch of things.

Like when I moved to Colorado, one of the things I was thinking, I was like, damn, I'm going to get a lot of material out of this. You know, that was a hundred percent. And I did, but the wrong way, but you know, it's still, it was, um, you know, like a, an exercise and doing something to, so like I'm putting my new special out, uh, filming it next Friday. So I'm thinking, man, I'm going to have to, I'm going to have to do some fucking serious writing over the next couple months. You're filming it tomorrow?

This Friday? Friday, yeah, this Friday. Oh, I thought you said next Friday. Well, yeah, the one that's coming up next. Next Friday? This Friday. I thought you said next Friday was the first. Yeah, no, you're right, really.

I shouldn't say next Friday. But I mean... We're leaving in the morning. Yeah, tomorrow. We leave tomorrow morning. That's really exciting, man. I'm fired up. Tabernacle, right?

Yeah. I'm fired up, too, to do it in Atlanta because I haven't been in Atlanta in forever. It's been a long time. Yeah, it's perfect because it's all new shit. All the stuff that I did before is from my talking monkeys in space. So this is a completely new hour and a half. So I'm fucking fired up. That's rad, man.

I'm so excited. Atlanta's got great fucking food, too. I want to take a bite out of a peach while we're down there. What are you talking about, girls? No. Yeah, look at them. Sexy, sultry, cuddly. A lot of peaches down there.

What was it like working with Brian at Death Squad? This man-child before me. Brianrian brian what is going on in your head i always think about that what is going on in my head it's a different kind of a dude it's a numbers game he's a different kind of dude you gotta accept that there's this too yeah of course there's brian yeah, I miss you guys. You're one of the very few podcasts that I still listen to, and even still I haven't listened to every single one. Are you guys still enjoying doing the podcast?

Do you like it now, like doing it from home, or are you realizing, oh, shit, it's a lot of work? Dude, it's better. It is both. It's both. Do you edit it yourself? I mean, look, for somebody who's not into having or knowing what they're doing, it was a task.

It was harder than I thought just to figure it out. But I figured it out after the first one we put up was a disaster. But then, you know, by the next one. I was so happy, by the way. I was just fucking raw. Yeah, I told you so. You're a terrible motherfucker. I was so happy, by the way. I was just fucking, just, yeah, I told you so. You're a terrible motherfucker. I'm just kidding.

No, there were people, there was plenty of those tweets. Shouldn't have left, bro. Yeah, yeah. Well, they think they were not friends or something. Yeah, but people think that it was like, well, we don't like each other. Your last episode of Death Squad was kind of funny because I kind of jokingly was acting like really like bitchy. Do you know what people also thought was serious that um when you were like you know maybe this will end up

on like the show like desk web might end up on tv and i was like hold on we don't want to leave yet like i was joking they were like you showed your true colors when you said yeah i was like i was like by the way we're in talks right now with HBO. Just so you know, we had our second meeting today. He goes, wait, wait, we were just kidding. No, we want to stay here. But they thought we were serious when I said we want to stay now. They were like, it shows what kind of person you are when you said you wanted to stay now. Yeah, you did say your true colors. No, but I figured it out.

I figured out the audio, I should say. I haven't figured out the video. The video's rough. But the audio, we figured out. And it is actually, we can do when we, it's still work, but we can do two a week. We've tried to do, as often as we can, two a week. And yeah, I mean, we do it all. We have a little, like a room that has the board and mics and cameras that aren't hooked up yet.

That's good. You guys are working, you're like a team too. We are. Yeah, and it's good because it works for our schedules. If we're both home for like 48 hours, we can crank out a couple. It's easier to walk to our second room

than to try to schedule something. So that part was true. Yeah. Your podcast is one of the very few that actually is a husband and wife that's actually listenable. That formula never really works for me. There's a couple here and there that kind of are okay. But for the most part, when I hear

husband and wife, I just want to fucking shoot myself in the balls. It is true. That's a good point. Why is that? Because you're very comfortable people. You're very fun. Oh no, why is this annoying about other people? Because it's like listening to a couple. It's not like where you guys fun oh no why is this annoying about other people oh what's it but yeah what bothers you because

it's like listening to a couple it's not like where you guys uh you you're a couple but you you don't fucking like pda ourselves well also you're cool you're both cool you actually are really good friends you know there's a lot of people that the only reason why they're together is this weird male female sort of thing going on where they have nothing in common nothing to talk about the conversations are all stunted you know you guys are like clearly obviously like i wish i male-female sort of thing going on where they have nothing in common, nothing to talk about. The conversations are all stunted. You guys are clearly obvious. You're like, I wish I had that.

No, but I think about that a lot when, not to sound corny, but if you and I go to dinner and there's that table next to you that's completely silent and they're just eating and you're like, how do you do that? Why do you marry somebody

you can't fucking talk to? Because this all goes. The looks and your body turns to dog shit and all you have at the end of the day that yeah why do you marry somebody you can't fucking talk to because this all goes the looks and your body turns to dog shit and all you have at the end of the day is a mind with another mind right yeah you may as well pick someone that that you like talking to that's right yeah you got to pick someone that always blew me away when the when a friend like a lot of guy friends i have would date for a long time and or marry somebody that they didn't have like good conversation like intellectually

stimulating conversation with and you're like how do you fucking talk to that dolt all the time? Yeah. Well they don't care. You know they just

that's where I'll get my pussy. Okay great. So I'll take care of the kids and now I'll go to work. Done. There's a lot of people that just accept it.

Make that your whole life. Well I've had friends that were in horrible relationships and then all of a sudden they'll come and tell you that they're thinking about proposing yeah

because that'll fix it right just buy a pet instead yeah yeah you're right you're right oh man yeah especially the ones that are fucking

at each other's throats and he's like you know man I'm just thinking that maybe if we just want a different level of commitment

like maybe this wouldn't be what are you talking about she's a crazy bitch and you're crazy for being with her. You crazy asshole. You're a crazy asshole. Or they have kids. Yeah. And there's a lot of what,

the reason why people do that, people like to get absorbed in relationships to distract them from their shit bag lives. Absolutely. They love it. They love doing it. It's fun. Or distract them from their real issues.

You don't have to address the real issues. Fuck yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're overeating or you're over smoking or you're over this or you're over that or you're over gambling or you're over masturbating, whatever the fuck it is. You'll be in the middle of it and texting, where the fuck are you? How come you're not texting me back? It's like this.

Yeah. I love your story. Our show is also, the thing is, we have a profoundly, you know this better than anybody, Brian, that it's like a profoundly silly show. Yeah, it's super silly. It's so silly. And we have a profoundly, and you know this better than anybody, Brian, that it's like a profoundly silly show. Yeah, it's super silly. It's so silly, and we have a similar sensibility. So it probably wouldn't work if the shit that made me laugh

didn't make her laugh or vice versa. Right, right, right. We're able to talk about. One of my favorite episodes that you guys did lately is, sorry, I just totally interrupted you. Go ahead. Was your dad? Yeah.

Where he wiped a booger on an elevator. Oh, Jesus. It was real. That was so fun. San Diego, yeah. That's so nasty. Top dog. Top dog.

That's what happens when a guy doesn't give a fuck about pussy anymore. That's true. Well, that is accurate. is when a guy doesn't give a fuck about person anymore that's true he also it's it's been one of those you know like dads have their dad bits like they're like you know i mean like one of his bits no it's like talking about it like it's a it's a like it's one of his bits for as long as i can remember he's been like yeah if you get an elevator with him he will say that not do that he'll be like you know what i like to do i like to put a booger on the elevator on the lobby button because then then i know everybody's touching it and you go that's gross man but he doesn't do it we got an elevator and the first time in my whole life he goes hey watch this he goes up he digs one out

and i was like what the fuck and i looked at him like that and he was like oh sorry buddy and he knocked it off and it was a scraggler too it was a sorry buddy yeah oh that's hilarious podcast he has audio of him telling their mom what what what the dad did and the mom just like that's like normal for her it's like she's always like she's like such a nice yeah like, broken, as I was saying. Yeah. She's so, so done. She has zero tolerance. Yeah. Like, zero for, like, a lack of class

at anything gross. Like, gross shit does not make her laugh. So, I like to tell her gross shit to hear her disdain because she gets so upset about it.

Like, she's like, ah, ah, and she can't even bear to hear it and it just brings me to tears. The whole show is me just, like, crying, laughing, telling them about it. I love your family so much. I like your family a lot. can't even bear to hear it and it just brings me to tears the whole show is me just like crying

laughing yeah i love your family so much i like your family a lot you like his family more than i like mine yeah mine's just it's too much drama and his is like they're loving and that's great like his sister will yell from the room like mom i want cereal and then the mommy's like okay darling and like brings her cereal like that would never happen in my house wouldn't happen in mine either by the way i'm not fucking doing this at all um but we've been talking a lot lately about our neighbor oh man yeah maybe you can help us okay no roosters no there's no works different neighborhoods so now all right so what happened was we rented a place that there's there's our place which is a different neighborhood. Different neighborhood. So now, all right. So what happened was we rented a place that there's our place, which is a two bedroom.

And then the owner owns the unit next to it, but doesn't live there. And like lives in LA in a different part of town. Okay. And goes, well, yeah, that's my unit for like once a year I have family come in for like a week. And then sometimes like maybe once a year I'll stay there if for like a week and sometimes like maybe once a year I'll stay there if I'm doing business on this side of town and crash somewhere some shit like that

it wasn't like part of the deal but she was just like that's just what it is so we're like alright so it was kind of nice because you have no neighbor we didn't even know what it's like to have that neighbor and then like in the fall one day I'm in our second room which has a uh connection like a vent and i feel heat coming in and i'm like ah shit that's from the other unit and i go that's weird that there's heat coming from

the unit next door right because blowing into our unit so i go and i knock and then it's this uh lady's like i'm like oh who are you and she's like oh i just moved in here and i was like you moved in she's like yeah i go like permanently she's like nah i'm just gonna be like looking for a place um but you know i'm staying here some friends with the owners and i was like oh okay i was like how long do you think you're gonna stay she's like probably for a while i was like great like how long she was like just probably for a long time i was like an indefinite she was like just probably for a long time and indefinite amount yeah and then she asked asked if she could park in our driveway and all that and if she could

use our internet connection well like yeah this is on the first meeting like yeah whoa yeah a little much can i use your internet connection yeah she was like you think i get your password and i could throw you like a few bucks whoa that's not gonna work what did she say and she was like okay and i was like yes that's not gonna work she was like you think i could park in the driveway behind your car and i'll leave like my phone number like on a card in the car and then whenever you're fucking serious so she can block us with her shitty car she sounds like a hippie yeah that sounds like that's that's exactly the type of mentality that I had to deal with a lot in Boulder. Really? A lot of always need this, always need that.

Can I get that from you, man? I would think, I mean, I've been broke as shit. Can I barbecue on your lawn? And I've never had the balls to be like, you think I could tap into your internet, man? Yeah, there's some shameless hippies. Yeah. No, you can't do that. Yeah.

No. If you could help me, man. Meanwhile, who knows what the fuck they're doing. Downloading some fucking terrorist handbook that gets on your IP. Yeah. No. If you could help me, man. You know, who knows what the fuck they're doing. Downloading some fucking terrorist handbook that gets on your IP. Yeah. And the fucking police come and break down your door. And you're going to prove that this asshole was the one that was downloading this shit. Absolutely.

So then now. It's curious that they have to really worry about that, too. We start to hear her. Right? We're hearing her. And then. God damn it. Just in general.

No. First, it's a smelling her fucking dirty food you smell her shitty food and you're like what is she cooking fucking i don't know oniony something in the morning and i don't even like to eat in the morning so yeah i smell like beefy oniony shit smells great that sounds like inspirational yeah And then the capper is in the middle of the night, like at 2 in the morning. Later. Yeah, later. You hear,

just in groups of threes. When she's getting nailed? Yes. Nice. It's not even like a late night fucking. It's like a 4 in the morning fucking. Yeah. Yeah.

Or someone's just dropping some dick in there. Sounds like she knows a guy like me. Have you been addicted to listening to it are you a four in the morning guy no no this is crazy Tom's being silly

when I was 20 I was yeah whenever you can get in get it in four in the morning she answers her phone has Christina been gone once and you started hearing her

have sex and you started masturbating with your ear to the wall no actually no have you ever done it before no I've done that in hotels hotels yeah but um in when you're home and you have that much resentment built up yeah it's not i don't think of it as exciting yeah

you know this dumb bitch you don't you don't want to stop fucking coming yeah too bad you don't have a sample of that we try to give it back have you ever dated a girl that was so loud you wanted her to Too bad you don't have a sample of that. We've been dying. We try to give it back to you. Have you ever dated a girl that was so loud you wanted her to shut the fuck up? You're distracting the shit out of me. You ever had that? I've had it loud, but I don't think about so distracting.

I love hearing this stuff. You do? I never asked that question. I want to hear it. There was many, many years in the past. I was probably in my early 20s. There was this girl that I dated for a very short period of time who would, you know, she would come to visit me, like, if I was on the road doing stand-up.

And, you know, back then it was, like, always the shittiest, cheapest motels, the fucking nastiest beds. Think about some of the places that you've stayed when you were working the road. You don't know how we're alive. Jesus Christ. This chick would be like, Oh, fuck!

Oh, fuck! It would be so ridiculous and so over the top. You'd be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa! And it was always. She was ready to ramp it up the moment you stuck it in. The moment you stuck it in. So she didn't even build to it.

It was like the overkill. She was Latin. It's crazy Latin, bitch. There you go. Crazy Latin, bitch. There you go. She would go off like a bottle rocket. The moment you stick it in, she just starts screaming.

Oh, fuck you. It was like, hey, hey, hey. So theatrical, yeah. Yeah. Did you stick it in, she just starts screaming, oh, fuck you. I was like, hey, hey, hey. So theatrical, yeah. Did you believe it? Did you think it was that? I don't know. I was fucking 22 years old or whatever the hell I was. Yeah, you definitely might have.

22. She was the worst one in all of my history. I was like, please, you've got to stop. I was trying to be polite. There's other people that are staying here. This is late at night. This is a small hotel yeah yeah well this what's fascinating is that i read recently that one of the things they say about a woman who's moaning and screaming really loudly

during sex is that it's not exactly just pleasure and that actually what she's doing is she's alerting other men that may be better suitors to come in and fuck her. Wow. That's interesting. That's why you never make noise. I like to stay quiet like a cadaver. Just a little whimpering that no one's going to hear outside this house. I'm sorry, Mommy.

So that's an interesting little possibility. It makes you really think about the screamers now. Yeah. Well, it makes sense. I mean, it totally makes sense. I guess if you're more secure in the relationship as well, you also have calmed down. You probably think the sex isn't quite as crazy

because you're doing it all the time. You're used to each other. You can still have good sex for a long period of time, but you've got to have some marijuana or some wine So our distance like it helps to be apart for like a week. Yeah, and then I remember me. Yeah, that's great I love that. Yeah, but I came out with some Puerto Ricans for a week I love those Puerto Ricans for Lauderdale a lot of Puerto Rican guys a lot of gold chains crazy screaming like that

guys a lot of gold chains crazy screaming like that oh whoa you never know you never know if it's real and they're taking a big chance and going that hard it's theatrical it's a little much it's a little over the top it's a little yeah what about that kind of stuff like the filthy talk like does that put you off have you ever had someone say shit that was too yeah well girl told me fuck her cunt and i was like really is it a cunt she's like well what is it that slit that gash this girl was she was completely crazy though she this is where it's good to have good friends because uh she came to a comedy club to see me and also my friends came my friends were with you know like i brought her over to them and she gave my friend her number and then she goes to the bathroom my friend calls me oh man that girl just gave me her

fucking phone number wow i'm like wow you crazy hooker yeah like she was she was so crazy she was willing to take one of my friends and just give him and hope that she could sneak her way in and just start banging everybody that I know. Like on the sneak tip. There's some dirty girls out there. There's some dirty girls. One dick at a time. That's all I can do. Well, I shouldn't know.

I mean, this girl, I fucked her the first time I met her. She was completely insane. What, the girl? Yeah, this girl was incredible. She was insane. I was 21. I was 21 and she was completely crazy but i didn't realize how crazy she was until she gave a phone number to my friend

yeah and then i realized she would just do that to anybody she could you know you could just oh god no that was yeah yeah i gotta get rid of her yeah she was too creepy it was just like a when it's not just doing that it's like the idea that like they're sneaking around behind your back. Yeah, man. That's a weird sign. That's why it's good to have good friends. Because my friend came up to me right away and said, yo, dude, that fucking bitch, you know, when you're in the bathroom, that bitch gave me her number. And he shows it to me and he hands it to me.

I'm like, wow. Like he wouldn't tell you though, right? Some guys wouldn't. There's guys who wouldn't. Yeah, I had a friend. We had a real problem with him because he was always banging all of our friends ex-ex-girlfriends he would immediately was back in Boston it was immediately as soon as you would break up he would fucking immediately be just magically I was by her work the other

day she seems like she's taking the break up like a hyena what do you mean she seems like she's taking the break up well what the fuck are you talking her for hey man you know she's an open game man she's on the market now like what you're moving in you're my friend moving's on the market now like what like you're moving in you're my friend moving in on the kill shit happens to me a lot it was this was a bad one though this was uh my friend uh jimmy and kevin i don't want to say last name so the fucking names have been changed save the innocent they stopped being buddies because of that of course you can't keep anybody after that that's not you can't trust that dude that's interesting i can't trust it. Can't trust it. So where are you guys at next?

What's next? I go to Chicago the 19th through 22nd. Just tomorrow. Schaumburg. Oh, you're doing that improv? That's a great improv. I celebrated my 40th birthday there. Oh.

That's a great place. I'm looking forward to it. Yeah, it's a good club. There's not really that much in Chicago. It's hard to find. There's Zany's in Chicago. Yeah uh you know there's zany's in chicago yeah and then there's uh there's a zany's in vernon hills right isn't there one i don't think it's right i heard a new one just opened oh yeah uh up chicago used to have a great comedy

scene remember so yeah that's a second city right home base for second city yeah it's a good comedy town yeah there was a few guys wasn't there one Wasn't there one of the guys from the Rodney Dangerfield special? He got on one of the Rodney specials, and he was a Chicago guy. Really? I don't know. Yeah, I'm trying to remember. Belushi. No, he would say something, and he'd say,

that's a tip from your Uncle Earl. Oh, really? Like a little catchphrase? Yeah. I like that catchphrase. I forget his fucking name, though. God damn it. I'm sure someone on Twitter will alert me to this. Like they always do. Twitter's the best for that.

It is. They told me that Matthew McConaughey was in that Dragon movie. I was right. Even though I couldn't imagine him being in that Dragon movie. But I remember he was like a badass. He had fucking tribal tattoos and shit. He was a dragon jacker. Yeah. I'm going to Vancouver this week.

Comedy Mix. Oh, that place is awesome. So this Thursday through Saturday. Who are you working with? Local guys up there? Yeah. How often do you guys work together? Together?

Seldom. Seldom? It seems like you should be able to put something together because of your podcast. Well, we did Ontario last month. That was great. Yeah, that was fun. We did the improv out there for last month. That was great. Yeah, that was fun. We did the improv out there for a weekend. It was fantastic.

So, yeah, we'll probably do some more. Actually, we're doing the podcast live for the first time. At a club? At the John Lovitz Club. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. May 23rd. Yeah, I've done a couple live.

It's a weird dynamic. You feel like you have to get to the jokes real quick. Yeah, I bet. Especially if it's a large audience. If we were doing this in front of a large audience they'd be boring as fuck yeah it'd be weird right this is good when it's in your ear when you're at the gym or it's good when you're on the on the road but i don't know if this is like live audience fodder i would feel like i have to do stand-up you know yeah i don't know what i mean it's the first time so hopefully we get a good turnout we can'll stick to, I think, a limited time.

Right, right, right. Yeah, I wasn't a fan of the live one. It just seemed like we were almost trying to put on a half-fake conversation just to be more entertaining of people looking at us. Yeah, I agree. Well, we did it with Jimmy Norton, which was fun, because Jimmy just fell right into it perfectly and was killing. He was really funny, and on purpose funny, and really going for the joke. But, yeah, it became and was killing. Yeah. He was really funny. And, you know, on purpose funny and really going for the joke.

But, yeah, it became almost like stand-up. Yeah. It gets weird. It does get weird. Yeah, the audience. Yeah. It's not this weird sort of intimate conversation. This is different.

Yeah, it's a totally different thing. Do you guys have a lot of people that listen to your podcast that are coming to your shows? It's starting. It's growing. It's coming. I love it. We talk about how much we like it. God it so awesome when yes because sometimes you know like

well sometimes obviously they have no idea who you are sometimes they've seen you do stand-up on tv like oh i saw your you know your special or i saw you on conan or whatever saw some something and then but then it was something different about they're like i'm they say i'm a mommy to us you know like yeah i love the podcast oh that's funny and then you just feel like oh this person actually knows me yeah it's such a relief that's super cool it's like oh they're on board i can talk about dolphin fucking yeah and they're like yeah let's talk about dolphin fucking yeah it's way i like that yeah it's it's way cooler we're doing and i'm doing uh oh i I just added Peoria for next week.

So if anybody's in Peoria, Illinois, I'm doing the jukebox. We need to create a website, Brian. But eventually, what we need to do is incorporate all of us and all of our podcasts into one website where there's like tiles. You know what I mean? Like everybody that we're sort of affiliated with, like Duncan and Joey and you guys and our, there really should be one. Just make it on your links on your website. Yeah, but wouldn't it be cool if there was like one portal,

you know, where we could all. No, no, no, just the ones that we're all friends with. People could like listen, click and listen, or they could see where you're at. Yeah, and have it, I mean, that would be like the best way to really get a gang of people to come to all of our podcasts is to have like a portal. You know, Ari's podcast, Duncan's podcast, and each one has like a little square. Yeah.

I think once you know it already. I mean, like on iTunes you just subscribe and then you don't even think about it, you know? Well, no, not necessarily because we don't really talk about duncan's podcast that much nor do we talk about aries you can miss several podcasts in a row where we didn't talk about it you wouldn't even know it existed but if it was all clearly laid out and we had like a website where there was tiles and you know and that way that would be a real way of everybody promoting everybody with you know no intention other than keeping like you know what i mean there's no financial intentions at all it's all just about keeping

this one group connected yeah and helping people it's a good idea right awesome yeah i should totally do that especially for audiences if you like ari you probably will like us or vice you know and it'll pump everybody up yeah that's that's what we need to do next that's the next step that's the next level. We need to have a podcast community of all podcasts that we appreciate and like together. The idea of a channel like Death Squad,

that's one way to do it too. But also the way to do it is to just make sure that everybody is connected to like-minded folks or other cool people, other ones that you might think are interesting and then you know have it all like a one-stop shop where they know if they go to this this is all the people that are cool with each other there's like a whole group of people that are all friends with

each other like each other yeah yeah well you're getting your website redesigned just make it a link page on there yeah i think i'm gonna do something along those lines i'm also gonna make a website specifically designed for the podcast so there'll be two websites it'll be like my regular website and then there'll be a podcast specifically designed podcast network or a website rather and that's where i think we need to come up with uh some sort of a link to a network and maybe we all put the link on our site and then that link will go to one website why are you doing so many web uh websites though why are you breaking it up yeah well it's not really broken up.

It'll be a section on my website. But if you go to it, it'll go to one that, like, when you go to that section, it'll be laid out like a whole site just for the podcast. Each one will have a description of each podcast and who was the guest and how long it was and when it took place. Do you know what percentage? It's got to be a small percentage of your fans that come to shows that don't listen to the podcast?

It's almost non-existent. Really? Wow. That's crazy. Dude, we were in Chicago. Chicago was this giant fucking theater sold out. And I go,

how many of you guys listen to the podcast? They went fucking apeshit. They went apeshit. It was crazy. It was beautiful. They're the coolest crowds I've ever had in my entire time of doing stand-up it's never been cool now it's cool man you know even if one person's crazy

it's like we just get rid of them real quick and it becomes entertaining you know this crowd's been amazing that started when i think when i when i did ann arbor with you a few years ago yeah i that was before we had a podcast and i'd done yours a few times yeah and you were you were asking me like how many guys listen to the podcast and in my mind it was going to be like three tables right that's what i thought i'd be like oh these are all fans but because they don't listen to the podcast right i thought it'd be like oh that's that fringe element like listen to it and that fucking club went bananas not only that then you then you asked, like, who here knows Joey Diaz? Yeah.

Dude, people in Florida were calling out for me to tell Joey Diaz stories. So crazy. He's so funny. He's so lovable. He's so rad. He's such a lovable human cartoon type dude. You're just so lucky to have in your life, you know? He's such a fun guy to be around.

We're having him on next week. Oh, that's awesome, man. But but yeah you're right there that was when the podcast first started to kick in that was like somewhere whoops that was somewhere around two years ago right right yeah right after we had started it yeah but there's I just bumped myself in the face but um that was yeah that was that was definitely the beginning but now it's a complete transformation the crowds when i know more fear factor crowds the vogue theater with you in vancouver yeah that place the guy was like there was more tickets like that we sold for this than

even any music event show ever and they packed that place that was nuts it was really fun it's really fun yeah um it's it's like it's definitely different now the shows are they're way different but it's also uh i feel like more of a responsibility to like really produce good shit too you know i really feel like these aren't just people that are coming to see the show like i like i like them you know they like what we're doing that's it's a different sort of a connection so i feel like hugely responsible to like write good shit and write good shit and produce good shit like that's why i'm excited to have this special come out now as opposed to

like maybe a year ago when i could have put it out but you know when when you have a bit man it's like a samurai sword you fucking bend that blade and hammer it down and sharpen it up and you know as time goes on you'll edit some lines out and add some to it and and then somewhere along the line it reaches its perfect form. Yeah. You know, and I think when you, uh,

when you can use that sword to cut heads off after a couple of weeks, but it might not be the same sword, the delicate instrument of destruction that you'll have after two years when it's your closing bit. Yeah. You know, absolutely. Is there a better feeling than coming up with a new bit and having a crush?

I wonder, I wonder, cause I have this new bit and I'm like i have like it's like my little toy like you can't wait to use it yeah it's exciting and then like i use it and then i'm like god damn okay now let's play with our old toys yeah new toys new toys a monster right now whoa yeah i love the fact that too as you get older and more experienced and more education and more information in your head and better as a comedian that every time you come up with new shit, it's like better new shit. You know, it's scary to abandon everything. But once you do, and then you come up with a whole, like Ari had a real good point. Like he was saying that, you know, if you worked on a bit,

and you decided to like work on that bit for five or 10 years, you know, that all that energy you could have used on that bit, you could have, you know that all that energy you could have used on that bit you could have you could have like abandoned it two years ago and then worked on the new bit for another two years and then you know you know completely abandoned it and started all new and all that creativity would have gone into something completely new and different and it's totally true right yeah so there's like a line that you have to cross like when is it is it was a year for a new act as two years I think I think I think a year if you start always turning over stuff after a year you actually lose something I think a year you have to be if you're like talking about just abandoning everything you know stuff

every 12 months I mean just from experience of watching stand-up right I feel like it gets better in that 16 to 24 month frame where you can do like read like it gets super tight you know yeah well i'm i've definitely we've all gone through that experience of recording something and then the next week you have like a new tagline oh it kills me like oh it's over mitch headberg actually redid a bit on the second album because he didn't have the tagline and said it on the album that he was doing that that's really here's the new part yeah yeah because that that's tempting when you've actually recorded the bit then maybe you should throw it out because

you've recorded it you know why hold on to something that you can't use well you know i talked to gaffigan about this and he was and he and i are sort of in agreement about this like yeah you gotta have all new shit, but you also have to do well. You can't have a bad show. And if you're tanking it with all your new stuff, it might be time to bust out some shit that really works and just pull this bitch out of the fire.

Sure. Oh, yeah. You have to find that when is that time. Like some guys like, I think Louis C.K. pretty much just guts it out. And when he does new stuff, he just does only new stuff. Yeah.

You know, like Chris Rock used to do that too. Remember, he used to come in the store and he would just do guts it out. And when he does new stuff, he just does only new stuff. Chris Rock used to do that too. Remember, he used to come in the store and he would just do only new stuff and not be concerned whatsoever about it not going well. He's trying to make it go well, but if it doesn't, he's sticking to it. He's not going to pull out some old shit out of his bag. Wow. Yeah, but that's the way you build. Yeah, that's one way, and that's certainly a way.

Some guys like to sandwich it in between other bits and then slowly develop them as new chunks instead of like... Yeah, that's one way, and that's certainly a way. Some guys like to sandwich it in between other bits, and then slowly develop them as new chunks. I kind of feel like I get energy out of opening with new stuff. I like to do it, too. It's risky. It's scary. It is a risk, but then there's a bigger risk. Christina, you're a risk taker.

Yeah, I'm a daredevil, man. Yeah, I'm a thrill seeker. It's exciting. You have to be to be a comedian, right? Oh, yeah. Don't you? Oh, you have to be completely willing to not have comfort financially, emotionally, sometimes physically.

But if it works out. It's awesome. If it works out, you've got such a much better way of life than doing something you don't want to do. Absolutely. That's the big curse of this society. The big curse of this society is that it's so fucking complicated that a great many of us have to do some shit that sucks

in order to keep this society rolling. So that's why there's all these jobs that suck, and then people have to do those fucking jobs. There's just no way around it. They have to get done, and so someone's doing it, and then the society is set up where it's really hard to get ahead, and you're just scrounging and scratching, trying to take these jobs that suck and then by the end of the week you're goddamn exhausted and that's how most people are living their life yeah

it's amazing it's really amazing when you stop and think about it and i wonder how long society can really sustain itself once people get hip to that because once people get hip to that i mean what are we going to do we're going to invent robots do all the jobs that suck there's gotta those jobs have to get done, right? Unless we completely restructure the whole foundations of our society, those crappy jobs are going to have to be there. I don't think there's ever going to have to worry about that because too many people just revel in their misery and will not.

Or do they know they're miserable? They don't. Are they cognizant? Shit programming is a lot of it. The human mind adapts incredibly well to its environment and adapts to incest and violence and all those things and treats them as the norm. And that's what happens in every bad neighborhood all across the world.

The level of happiness is not often dictated by what their environment is like. Sometimes it's just they can get used to anything. People can get used to it. It's weird. People who also know they're miserable. What they don't know is that they can make choices to get out of that misery. They don't act on it.

Well, really the issue, obviously, is kids that are in those environments that don't have a choice and didn't fuck up to get there. But to be in a shit situation, it's never good for the mind. It's never good for your relaxation, your ability to sit back and assess things.

I gotta tell you, even when we lived in that terrible neighborhood for two years, it took an emotional toll on me. Like, I was like, God, imagine if I grew up in this neighborhood and this is all I saw and I never knew that there was a neighborhood

just three miles away that I was going to move to that would change my outlook on everything. But it motivated us to work so much harder and get the fuck out of that place. That's really cool, though. That's cool that it did that. Oh, yeah, yeah. You can just fall into the misery of it. One of the things that I liked most about living in Colorado

was that there was very few people up there, so I didn't feel like I was being inundated by other people's personalities. And when you're in a bad neighborhood, you're inundated by, it seems like hippie bullshit, but I believe that if you're in a neighborhood where a lot of crime is going on, a lot of negative shit is going on, you can feel it in the air.

Absolutely. You almost can feel it in the air. I would love to see studies on plants that grow up around violent areas, if they're all fucked up and shaky. in the air i would love to see like studies on plants that grow up around violent areas you know if they're like all fucked up and shaky and you know one day nervous wreck plants just always gun shots around here but it's true you're a product of your environment like i was remembering last night in second grade i hung out with this girl megan and she was a straight a student or third grades right and my grades went up for the first time in my life.

Like I was getting straight A's because I was hanging out with this nerdy girl. Sure. Who was really into studies. And then the minute we stopped being friends, I went back to being my normal slacker C student. Wow, that's amazing. But there is something to that. Fuck yeah, there is. And hanging out with comics too that are funnier than you.

And prolific. You want them to be. Prolific, yeah. There's certain guys like Bill Burr. He's always real prolific you want them to be prolific there's certain guys like Bill Burr he's always real prolific whenever I see him do a bunch of new shit

I get excited I want to go write Chappelle when I was seeing him do sets it's pretty rare to catch him these days but yeah

I always get excited want to go home and write yeah yeah we feed off each other for sure no doubt that's one of the beautiful things about LA

think about how many good comics are here oh yeah I like this whole podcast network idea that I had. You can't do that in any other place. We have that many cool people. Joey, Ari, Duncan, you guys. Everyone is connected.

Red Band. Everyone's connected. Brett Fitzsimmons. If you put up how many great podcasts emanate from this one area, it's pretty much incredible. It's a lot. Yeah. There's not a lot of spots in the country

where you could start a whole network of podcasts that are as established as the ones that we have here in LA. It's incredible how that has taken over as such a dominating force in entertainment, and it's going to keep growing. Well, it's free. Right. And it's really good.

But people are choosing that over turning on a television or over watching a movie. Well, it's really good but people are choosing that to over turning on a television or over watching a movie well it's really good to get shit done you know like if you're cleaning up your office

I love listening to podcasts when I'm cleaning up my office or something obviously I do a lot of cleaning you should see our place I have too much shit in here I need to get rid of some of it

this isn't even bad but the you know the idea that it's in a lot of people's ears when they're at the gym and they're pushing themselves through their workouts and stuff i mean i i think that's one of the coolest aspects about this form of entertainment it's like it it's the form of

entertainment that makes doing other shit more interesting you do it while you're on long drives you do it while you're on a commute it is the best airplanes yeah airplanes all the time and you know and if you get three or four good ones, man, the whole flight to Australia is done. You just plug those bitches on, kick back, have a glass of wine, and join in, man. Maybe if you've timed it correctly, you take an edible when you're at the airport. Right as you pull up, you don't want anything on you, folks.

Don't fly dirty. Don't fly dirty. Don't be scared of flying with an edible. It's a life-changing goddamn experience. And you know what's great about podcasting, too, is that I feel like it harkens back to the time of radio when people had to just sit and listen and listen to long stories.

And that doesn't exist on television anymore. Everything's cut so fast and everything, the information's so quick that now it's like we're going back. And I love that idea that you can just sit and listen to a three-hour thing with people just talking. Yeah, that's natural we're going back. And I love that idea that you can just sit and listen to like a three-hour thing. Yeah. It also gives... People just talking.

Yeah, that's... Natural. Natural. Yeah. Yeah. Not this hyper-information show. Seven-minute, seven-night-to-night show where you're sitting down on the couch

talking about your... Or television shows. Recent experience at the zoo. Fucking half-second edits. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Yeah. Yeah, and then they tell you, coming up next,

you're going to see this scene. Right. And then you come back from commercial, you're going to see this scene right yeah yeah and then they tell you coming up next you're gonna see this scene and then you come back from commercial you're gonna see this scene right now and then they show you the scene and they're like yeah man i get it i fucking got it like i can process information if we had a producer of the show and they were like well this is some of the things we're going to do to take it to the next level okay we got it we got to edit it there's a lot of downtime there's two minutes where you're twittering. You're twittering on this fucking podcast for two minutes. Sure. You know, oh, sorry. That's actually what I love.

That's part of the beautiful thing about it. It's like when you hear you talk, you get to really know you. When you hear you talk, you get to really know you. It's not a sound bite. It's a long conversation. I noticed that with a lot of foreign films sometimes, you'll have longer shots. They won't edit.

They won't cut. And you're like, yeah, but that's actually a very, like if a guy's making breakfast or pouring coffee, they'll let the shot go of him running it and the coffee pouring and then him pouring it in and stirring it. And you're like, but that's not, like that guy's really making coffee.

Right. Like, so it's not with fucking 15 cuts. Yeah. But that's's you're watching like real life kind of develop right then right you you can fall you sink into it more but american style of editing tv or film is always well don't any let a shot last too long music video style oh yeah yeah that's the way things are quick quick that is making people dumb or making people impatient it's making people i, I believe, for instance, on Facebook, like, not like.

It's all binary. Zero, one. Coke, Pepsi. Yes, no. You know how limiting that is to human thought? I mean, I don't even know people that read. I don't read books right now. I mean, maybe one in the last month.

But it just limits the way we see the world this generation only grows up knowing i like this our epic fail that shit makes me bananas oh really that was a fail like some guy tried something and didn't succeed and we're all gonna shit on that person it's also the encourage we encourage people to be like that sucks yeah fucking suck well culture of that sucks. And then there's YouTube comments where there's no repercussions. There's no repercussions. You're completely anonymous.

So you're allowed to say things that you would never say with any real person in front of you. Because it's such a cunt thing to do. It would be horrible. They're assholes. They're shitty about it. They're racist. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

They're misogynistic. They're homophobic. They're racist. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You know, they're misogynistic. They're homophobic. Yeah, it brings out. Well, that's normal. But that's the. But come say it to my face. Being anonymous with it. Yeah.

It's a weird thing where we've developed a way to communicate with people that is. There's no interaction. There's no exchange. You're allowed to throw the information out there like a bomb. Like you lob a bomb over a building. your message board is a perfect example of that like like if i was just talking to you and guys in a room and then some guy came up and it's like you know you're just annoying i think your face sucks and you're just like yeah you would not just come up and win my conversation people don't understand when i kick them out of band and they say yeah i can't

believe you want you want censorship i don't want when I kick them out of a band and they say, yeah, I can't believe you want censorship. I don't want censorship. This is what it is. This is a house party. My website is an internet house party. And anybody can join. But when you're a cunt,

when you create problems and negative energy, when you don't know how to, even if you have a criticism or something, there's a lot of people that have had very valid criticisms.

And those help me. I really think they do. I think valid criticisms on the podcast or stand-up or even my mma commentary anything i think i don't think anyone's ever perfect and i think a lot of times especially when you're doing as much on the fly ad-libbing stuff as i'm doing 99 of my living i make

completely ad-libbing that's what i'm doing i'm gonna make mistakes you know i'm gonna make mistakes and i'm doing stand-up commentary or commentary for the ufc i'm gonna make mistakes and i'm doing stand-up it's just a part I'm going to make mistakes when I'm doing stand-up. It's just a part of life. So I appreciate criticism. And I understand that when I'm doing something, oftentimes it's completely unplanned out. Like this exact sentence that I'm saying right now, completely unplanned out. So when people will nitpick and criticize the hidden meaning behind each fucking word or each word you chose or way way you went with the conversation.

It's like, God damn, will you just settle the fuck down? It's like you give people too much of an opportunity to be cunty. Yes.

You know the Neil Brennan podcast? Some guy was saying that I was yelling down Neil because I didn't agree with his statements. I was like, what the fuck podcast

did you listen to? We had a podcast where we all had fun together. There was no disagreements whatsoever. But people will break this shit down to make it some, they will just nitpick on only the negative aspects of it. And it's always people that are fucking miserable. Joe, you've got to also think, like, each one of these episodes,

I'm not getting into exact numbers, let's just say hundreds of thousands of people listen to this, and you might hear out of hundreds of thousands of people, you might hear you you might hear out of hundreds of thousands of people you might hear like 20 people and that's the bottom of the barrel most negative they have a million cats they're fucking assholes in general and if you focus on those 20 and not the 490 million other people uh then you're gonna go drive yourself crazy that's a good point but i firmly believe that you can't be too self-congratulatory, and I think you have to address any possible valid criticisms.

So when I read negative shit, I have to take it into assessment. I have to go, okay, I've got to look at this objectively. Did I do that? Did I do that? Because I know when I've done something wrong, I've made mistakes. I know when I do. Did I do that? And then if you don't, then you have to go, well,

then you've got to look at the motivation of this person and try to figure out, like, why did you look at this whole thing so skewed like that's the driving you crazy part that i'm talking about it's fascinating it's important to out those people it's important to out those people set the tone for the rest of the board yeah you let those people know that look this is what's going on here this is just cunty negative behavior it's not necessary let's communicate like yeah let's communicate like we're at my house. We're at a house party. Let's be polite. Look, if we're at a house party and someone comes up to me and starts saying, hey, the Mormon faith is a true faith and Joseph Smith is a... Okay, let's have a polite

conversation about this. Let's politely talk about it. You tell me why. I'll pretend like you're my wife's friend's husband. You know what I mean? like you're my wife's husband, you know, wife's friend's husband. You know what I mean? Right. Like, you're a guy I have to be nice to. Right. Respect.

So go ahead. Yeah. Tell me. Tell me what the fuck you think, and hopefully we can get through this without anybody raising their voice. Mm-hmm. You know? But on the internet, it's right away.

You fucking faggot. You do this. Yeah. Right away. Hey. Retard. Go back to school. It kills me.

Fail. It sucks. Pwned. Stupid cunt. You're so dumb. Die. It kills me because growing up here in the valley, if you said some shit to someone,

you got fucking smacked. I used to fight with black girls because I would say shit. Whoa. Yeah. But you know what I learned? What? Not to fucking say shit to people because you get punched. And don't fuck with black girls. You fight with black chicks and they fucking tell you what's up. And guess what?

I don't write awful things on the internet to people. How often do you go on WorldStarHipHop? What's that? I don't even know what that is. You don't know what WorldStarHipHop.com is? No, it isn't. If you would go on WorldStarHipHop.com, you would cease and desist all fucking with black girls immediately.

Because nobody lays a beating on another girl like a black girl does. Thank you. I know. Oh my God. girl like a black girl does. Thank you. I know. Oh, my God. There's a recent one over a Twitter beef. If you just Google worldstarhiphop.com Twitter beef. I got it. Somebody sent it to me.

Okay. Brian will pull it up if you want to pull it up, Brian. Pull it up on YouTube. Black girls are the best fighters. Worldstar Hip Hop. Is that on the iPad? Will it work on the iPad? We should make them MMA fighters.

This chick beat the fuck out of this girl and went right away to the old school pride head stomps. She was head stomping her. She got her down, ragged onto the ground, and stomped her in the head immediately like a killer. Threw bombs at her, like really vicious bombs. Punches and stomps. There's some real brutal.

There's great fighters. On Worldstar, there's some street like knockouts where you see the head hit the concrete oh yeah a lot of them and then they start kicking them in the head

while they're down I didn't get it that bad I just got punched in the stomach a few times and I was like alright I'm sorry Worldstar hip hop

is easily the worst example of humanity available on the internet outside of snuff films because some of those people might have died and if they didn't die a piece of them died

there's this one guy that got knocked out where they just kept kicking him in the head while he was unconscious. It's so hard to watch. That guy is forever fucked. There's no question in my mind

that that damage that he got that day to his brain is irreparable. He got hit by punts, soccer kicks to the head

while he's unconscious. People were just running over and punching him in the face. So he's getting just concussion after concussion. His brain is just swashing inside his skull. For sure, he's going to be fucked up for months. You see the one in Baltimore where they knocked him out and then they started taking his clothes off?

Yes, started taking his clothes off. Oh, Jesus. And the sound of his head falling onto the concrete while he's unconscious, when he gets knocked out by the punch yeah oh i have a hard time watching i got a bunch of tweets from cops in in baltimore because neil um neil brennan and i were talking about it neil was saying well it's like um sort of a mob mentality that takes on and i said well i totally agreed to a certain extent although i agree to a

certain extent the mob mentality is real and it does happen sometimes, I don't think that's what was going on there. I think that was a drunk guy that was around a bunch of criminals, man, and they're just used to that. And these guys from Baltimore, these cops from Baltimore tweeted me, and a bunch of them were telling me, like, read this, check out that. And other people tweeted me about the same issue. Like, apparently Baltimore's got a crazy fucking crime. Yeah, it's always at the top. One cop said he's just shocked at the

amount of crime he sees every day charm city yeah they call it but you would think like baltimore sounds like a bunch of white people that live by the water and eat crabs you know this is near maryland you know isn't dc also like that washington dc you would think that would be the best and you see they're lobsters they're lobsters what about detroit detroit dc is only about a half an hour away from uh baltimore all right man yeah i don't think it's any of those bro rough city wait what's it called what would this search words are you just said world start hip hop no not girl fight world star hip hop twitter beef twitter beef yeah just twitter beef because i think there's not a lot that fall under the category of twitter beef you know this girl

showed up this girl's house and said, we're going to fight, and while the other person was filming it, she pulled her out of her house and violently beat the fuck out of her. Girl-on-girl fighting is crazy to me. They have compilations. No, that's Jennifer Hudson, bro.

World star hip-hop Twitter beef. Just Google those words. World star hip-hop Twitter beef. Look, here, I'll do it real quick. You know, even Oprah Winfrey gets people hatefully emailing her. Like, I watch the Oprah Soul series. Yeah, of course. She talks about it.

She's like, people send me things. Of course. I'm like, what are you going to hate on? She's trying to help the world, man. I mean, even if you don't agree with it, don't hate mail Oprah Winfrey. Come on, man. No, that's not

it girls cuz she's successful too of course yeah people hate everything people hate the Beatles you fucking watch on YouTube under Beatles videos yeah here is home invasion right here bro here here's right here world star hip-hop calm and the it says, just look up home invasion. Girl gets tore up on her own doorstep over Twitter beef. Just look for home invasion. Home invasion Twitter beef on Worldstarhiphop. So you clean this out on this end, right?

Yeah, that's when you release the kraken of shame. You don't want that. You don't want that? Maybe you do. Apparently there's a video where a girl puts one of those up her ass and then a guy fucks the flashlight. Yeah, that's my idea. Was it really your idea?

Jerks. Well, by the way, Brian, I don't think you're the first person to think of that shit. In her asshole, but why not her vagina hole? Well, because her asshole is more pliable. Gotcha. There's a lot of girls that have giant dumpers. They can take large objects up there.

That's a really, you know, give a guy a really distorted perception of reality if he's into that shit, you know? Oh, man. Yeah. We could put this in somebody's asshole. I don't like anything in my butthole. Really? Nice. Not really.

Nice way to announce it on the podcast. There's a couple things I could put up there. Well, it's important to share, especially with the world. Just like this you know this lady has the right to stick a flashlight up her butthole

you can know that someone can do that you should also know watch this girl beat the fuck can you go full screen on that yeah watch this girl

she shows up at this girl's house it's coming up real soon oh no it's coming up real soon uh oh oh shit okay It's coming up real soon. It's coming up real soon. Uh-oh. Oh, shit. Okay.

Watch. She just pulls her out of the house. That's how it happens. Look how violent this bitch is. Damn. Oh, oh. She's beating the fuck out of this girl. Stomping on her head, kicking her in the head. Oh, the hair.

God damn it. Look how strong that girl is. She's pulled her down the stairs by her hair. That's so scary. That's horrifying. Talk about that hoe. That should be on That's so scary. Talk about that hoe. That should be on a t-shirt. Talk about that hoe.

Talk about that hoe. See, that's what can happen. Don't talk shit to black girls. Oh, for sure. Did you hear a guy got arrested in England for saying something on Twitter? Have you heard about this? No. Let me find this because it's fucking crazy.

It was on Stanhope's Twitter. Arrested? Yeah, the dude's name is Ollie something or another. Let me find it real quick. Let me go through my Twitter. But it's fucking crazy shit. Apparently he was fucking with their government over there. Here it is.

The guy was arrested and convicted. The guy's name is Sir Ollie, Sir underscore Ali underscore C. And he got arrested and convicted for saying cunt on his Twitter. And I'm not bullshitting. And this is what it's about some federal, some section 127 of the Communications Act of 2003 is what they got him on. This is all the guy wrote. Ready? Which cunt lives in a house like this? Period. Answers on a postcard to Bexley Council. So I guess it's the Bexley Council

that he was having a problem with. So that's all he said. Which cunt lives in a house like this? Answers on a postcard to Bexley Council. And that was the hashtag, Bexley Council. And then here's another one. Another tweet. It's silly posting a picture of a house on Twitter without an address.

That will come later. Please feel free to post actual shit. Okay, what that means, I don't know. But it sounds like he put a photograph of a counselor's home. Yeah, okay. Melvin Seymour. He put a photograph of this guy's home. Probably not a good idea well

that's that changes everything because that's first of all that's creepy as fuck yeah then he put this guy's picture and he took a photo of it but that they got him for using the word cunt is what's fascinating that they didn't get him for taking that picture which apparently is legal yes oh yeah yeah for for calling for saying cunt. Or for calling a government guy? I don't know, but he's saying which cunt lives there. Oh, boy. Yeah. Well, cunt is a lot less offensive in the UK.

Like, you call people cunts like every other word. It's not a thing. Yeah, exactly. So we really should have been, they should have got pissed at him for taking a picture of that guy's house. But I guess they couldn't do anything about that. He got arrested for this. Yeah. Wow.

Yeah, apparently. And, of course course stanhope took up the fight because do you see stanhope the thing that was going on with him and that lady in england no you didn't see i was great there was um it was yes yes i did read something about this or he was doing shows over there guys horribly ill okay and this woman wrote this thing about how this is saying this guy does not have the right to die and that it's not his choice to decide when to die. So Stanhope comes on, and not only does he go after her, and he goes off on Twitter and says, guys, congratulations, you made it into the act.

He's saying all this shit on Twitter. And then he hopes that she gets a fetid cyst on her ovaries, like all kinds of craziness, right? He's out of his mind. So then she writes some whole really crazy, dumb, terribly written article about him and comparing him to some other horrible people in the world. And what she doesn't address is the fact that she had written an article just a couple of years ago praising a mother for taking her child's life when the child was deathly ill and suffering and

was gonna die. And so she's a hypocrite in her own writing. She's not even accountable for her words. It's just verbal diarrhea. She's one of those dumb people that writes things down and tries to make some sort of a point because her job is to write an article. And Doug found her conclusions to be illogical, idiotic, and offensive. So he, in his way, he asked for fucking injuries to her body and pussy problems. But he's a fucking stand-up comedian.

So she went off and she was trying to get him arrested and had them investigate him and all sorts of different shit. But he didn't really do anything wrong. The whole thing is hilarious. And the whole thing only probably made Doug an even bigger hero in the UK because she's a moron. If you read the shit that she wrote, she's such a fucking dingbat. And he did this while in England, right?

Yeah, while in England. Which is crazy when you think about how lenient they are because in America, all some kids had to do was say they were going to come down and destroy America and dig up Marilyn Monroe's bones. And they said that on Twitter. And so they were coming to party. And the fucking people at the

TSA or whatever the hell it is. What is it? It's not TSA. It's Homeland Security. Yeah, they sent them back. They arrested them. They interrogated them and sent them back home. They looked in their shit for shovels. They thought they were really going to bring shovels with them, fucking dummies. So nerdy. TSA is the worst.

Silly bitches. Dumbest of all. They sound like fun people I want them over here yeah they say they're coming over here to destroy America they got Marilyn Monroe's bones you know we could have a fucking good time with them yeah they sound like some people that are coming here to have fun what the fuck you don't think they're really gonna destroy America what Al Qaeda could do it but but some 24-year-old couple from England's going to pull it off?

Some drunk kids. Stop. For sure. Yeah, drunk kids straight out of college. Bitch. I don't know, this reminds me of,

Tom, you remember that article you sent me about that woman in the UK who claims that she's too beautiful? Yes, I saw it. Did you see that? I think that's subtle satire, if I had to guess.

You think? Well, it played like, I mean, you could read obviously like that, but the fact that there were like all think yeah it played like I mean you could read obviously like that but the fact that there were like all these follow-ups I mean it's either a well orchestrated crazy bitch yeah or it's a crazy bitch yeah bullet little ball seemed crazy I think the writer had a little bit of tongue-in-cheek while he's writing it cuz he kind of knew that she was really a six so as he's putting that picture out yeah she wasn't really attractive

but she okay he wasn't she wasn't ugly. Yes, I think so Yeah, she was in a bit of Windy City heat and also yeah felt like it but the best was that like Everybody who was critical of her it played into her ridiculous. She's like see all the haters came out There are a lot of haters out there, how do we fix it Christina? Oh, we get rid of them. How do we how do, Christina? Oh. How do we get rid of them? How do we bring them up? Can I tell you? How do we raise up the haters?

Is it possible? Therapy. Weed. Therapies get out? For real? Psychotherapy. Does that stuff work? Because a lot of people that I know that have been in it say that it doesn't change them.

It changed my life. For real? I've been doing it for two years. Two years? And it's improved my... I used to be riddled with anxiety and depression. Really? I was goth when I was 14.

I was suicidal. I was crazy. Whoa. And I was depressed for years. And I, two years in psychotherapy and I'm like infinitely better. That's amazing. You're the best success story I've ever heard from it. Really?

Yeah. Well, I have a great psychotherapist if anyone wants. I have too many friends that keep going to therapists and keep continuing with the same fuck ups and it's confusing to me. If you're not seeing progress, like, I know people that go to the same person for, like, ten years and are the same, going in circles. You need to find somebody that can really get to the root of your bullshit. Right. And then, I believe, undo that bullshit.

So you got super lucky first time with this, this is the first counselor? I had seen some other guy that was wearing, like, white Velcro shoes jeans yeah and i was like you can't even dress yourself like you can't fucking counsel me on my life so i dumped him what's that about this broad's like she changed my life velcro never really caught on for shoes did it it's great for little kids great yeah yeah yeah kangaroos yeah little velcro pouch it's weird isn't it yeah it's very useful it's very useful but it's just so douchey there's something dorky about velcro for whatever reason real lame man yeah never caught on why is it especially white it caught on it's really popular for a while no but i'm saying like it's not there like you most of the sneakers we buy have laces right i saw it

the other day i think the problem with velcro though is is after a couple weeks start getting shit in the velcro like cotton and stuff like that and they start being annoying where like the nail pads you just get new shoelaces right you lose their sticky yeah that's true but they should be able to replace that like you replace shoelaces yeah but then you'd have to go somewhere and do it that's annoying that's a nuisance yeah that's stupid i like vans right now slip-ons no laces. Yeah. Do you have them in like the cheap trick black and white checkerboard? No, that's too. Dyke I do like you. I'm a lady. I'm a lady language I like

Dyke look I'm already crossing the line as a female comic. So I try to keep it somewhat family Do you feel like as a female comic? Well, I've always felt tell me if i'm right that it's harder because you have less people want to hear you talk no one wants to hear me talk less people want to take your opinion seriously because you're a woman so if you if you get on stage you want to start talking about politics immediately you're running uphill battle for you talk about sex you're a whore for sure do you look at look at other comics guy comics and go god they get to get away with so much i do but i also grew up admiring male comedians.

I really loved watching Bill Hicks and a lot of dudes. But yes, you're right, absolutely. Society doesn't privilege intelligence in women. You should just be hot. So that's the message you get growing up. Just don't read books. Just be hot. So I grew up against that.

You know, I actually try to channel masculine energy when i go up there i do i i always have this image of me putting my dick on the crowd do you really yeah i swear to god have you ever worked on this with your counselor yeah but i don't want to with how i do stand up no but i mean is he like approve of this lay the dick on the crowd method um i guess because it works for me in that like there's, you know, different parts to your personality. I'm not that way at home with my husband. I'm a woman with my husband, right? Like I like being a feminine.

But on stage, I just am a fucking dude. Come on, fucker. It's a masculine thing. It's a masculine art form. It is. You can't go up there and ask them for it. Femininity doesn't really read it as funny. You know? Not as funny.

It's a different kind of funny. I mean, there's a type of, there's some people that are like, okay, here's a very funny feminine comic, Wendy Liebman.

Very funny, very feminine. Very like sort of, but clever writing, but very feminine. Feminine based. That's true. Well,

here's my theory on this, okay? Society wants women to be agreeable, to say the right thing, and to make everybody feel comfortable. What's funny about that? Fucking nothing. It's funny for me.

I'm a man. That's so lucky. But you know what I mean? I think that's why female comedy sometimes fails. Because if you're playing into that norm, that social norm, then you're like, well, this just agrees with what a woman should be. When did females get the right to vote? What year was that? I would say 1930s or some shit.

Oh, the suffragettes. It was after that, right? No, 30s. I know in 1974, a woman couldn't have a credit card unless her husband or her father allowed it. That was in 1974. That makes sense. Right, Tommy? 1913.

1913 they could vote? Yeah, 1913. I know that they couldn't run the Boston Marathon until the time of the war. They couldn't run marathons in the 60s. That's hilarious. That was just not that long ago. It's weird, right? It's weird that the woman's right to vote is literally 100 years old.

Yeah. That's why we need to invest in time machines. That's crazy. When you really stop and think about that, that's really crazy. Yeah. That's hard to believe. But what you were saying about having opinions, actually people don't expect me to have them.

So when I do, then they're like, whoa, whoa, you little girl. I can get away with saying crazy, foul shit. Right. And then they're like, whoa, you little girl. I can get away with saying crazy, foul shit, and then they're like, look at her. Isn't she cute with her opinions and her thoughts? So it can work to my advantage. I can say shit that dudes can't sometimes. Really? In what way?

I won't threaten or challenge. For instance, let's say you said something of, I don't know, it's a good example like a heckler or something you mean yeah i can tell a guy i will fucking shit down your throat if you do not shut the fuck up oh right right i see what you're saying he's not gonna feel threatened yeah he'll be like oh that's so cute right if you were to say that that guy might stand out be like and then you guys will fight i like i use my full name yeah me too that's good that's true you can

do it and there's a lot of funny in it, but Bobby Lee could do it, too I could do it. Yeah, you could do it, too Yes, yeah, I make poopies down your throat I'd say 11. I don't think he said what I think is a brilliant 11 guys start driving. Don't scare Brian There's all these Lamborghinis that are just putting him on death's door. 200 down sunset. Cars are too fast, you guys. Boom, boom.

Totally blow like five lights in a row. Zoom, zoom, boom. Yeah, that's happening every day. I like the apricot flavor. Goddamn Lamborghini Avengers. They come flying in. So cute. What do you like to eat?

What's your favorite food? Bugattis. Pizza or hot dogs? Steak and pizza. Chicken nuggets. Are you thinking he's into childish food? Stuff that you get at Chuck E. Cheese. Yeah.

Hot dogs if they're sliced up for me. I like steak a lot. There's actually this steakhouse in Burbank that I just went to called the Smokehouse. I don't know if you've heard of it. It's right across the street from Warner Brothers. Good. I know where it is. It's old, right?

It's been there for 65 years. What's it called? Smokehouse. And the story is about how Bob Hope used to go there and how blah, blah, blah, and all this shit happens. And I ordered a steak, and I swear to God, they pan fried it. It was a $30 steak, but they just put it in a pan yeah have you ever had that where it feels like all right this is not even well some people prefer doing it on a pan actually like um alton what is that guy's name alton eats you know what i'm

talking about right okay is that a 70s thing or something no no no the the apparently some people there's different ways of cooking steak obviously one of them is cooking it on an infrared grill or a coal grill or a gas grill. You can do it that way. But some people believe that the best way is to sear it on a cast iron pan and that you cook it on a skillet. And then you put that skillet in the oven. You finish it off in the oven. I've done it that way before. I don't like it.

Yeah, I don't like it as much as I like it over coal coal I like over your hardwood charcoal cold. It kind of pissed me off I felt like wow, I just spent $30 on a good piece of meat I was a porter porterhouse, you know, and that shit tastes like fucking norms I'm not nothing against nor really like a $5 steak. Really? Yeah, that's what I felt nothing against norms and your $5 steak norms is you know, I Five bucks. How can you even do that? It's amazing Where's that that's old school is from like the 50s it's on 8th Street

Oh, yeah, like it's like you could tell it was there before the neighborhood was there. What about Musso and Frank's? Have you ever been there? I've never been there, but that's old school. That place is amazing. Musso and Frank's is amazing. Good steak. Make me hungry, son.

All right, this podcast, let's fucking call it over. All right. Should we call it over? Yeah, man. All right. Look, you guys are the shit,

as always, my favorite comedy couple in the history of comedy. How about that? Thanks for having me, man. You guys win. You're number one. Anytime. You guys are awesome. I really think we should look into doing something like that. Have like one big, my favorite comedy couple in the history of comedy how about that thanks for having me you guys win you're number one anytime

you guys are awesome I really think we should look into doing something like that have like one big network website where we're all together and have a link on our I love it

it's a good idea thank you to everybody that tunes into this fucking poorly edited patched together ridiculous conversation

that takes way too long we appreciate the fuck out of you thank you for all coming out to the shows and thank you to everybody that's coming to Atlanta this weekend I'm fucking fired up I can't wait two shows the first one is 8 o'clock the second one is 10.30 and the first one sold out

so come on down and have a good fucking time with me Duncan Trussell and the legendary Joey Coco Diaz. Hello. Joey Coco Diaz. Thank you to The Fleshlight for sponsoring our podcast for, whoa, these many years. Go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for The Fleshlight, and enter in the code name Rogan. Save yourself 15% off the number one sex toy for men.

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