The Joe Rogan Experience - #2075 - Protect Our Parks 10 (Part 2)

Episode Date: December 14, 2023

Shane Gillis, Mark Normand, and Ari Shaffir are stand-up comics, writers, and podcasters. Shane is the co-host of "Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast" with Matt McCusker and one half of the sketch comedy duo "Gilly and Keeves" with John McKeever. Watch his stand-up special "Beautiful Dogs" on Netflix, and catch him as "Gilly" on Peacock's "Bupkis." www.shanemgillis.comMark is the co-host of the podcasts "Tuesdays with Stories" with Joe List and "We Might Be Drunk" with Sam Morril. Watch his stand-up special "Soup to Nuts" on Netflix.www.marknormandcomedy.comAri is the host of "The Skeptic Tank" and "You Be Trippin'" podcasts. Watch his comedy special "Ari Shaffir: Jew" is available now via YouTube. www.arishaffir.com

The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night! All day! Lights are nuts because all cats will fight each other. Like if they find each other out in the wild, they're never really cool with each other. Oh, sometimes they are. They get buddies. Sometimes if they're in the neighborhood. But don't they have to grow up together. Yeah, it's like women You know you ever notice how women don't have friends Girl power

Who runs the world girls I Who runs the world? It's Jews. I bought you that book, by the way. What about all those bridges? Who runs the world? Jews? No, the Lizzo book that I sent you the picture of.

Oh, I thought you were joking. Lizzo's got a book? Is it a cookbook? I'm going to read it. What was the book? What did it say? I don't know. I don't want to be part of this.

Chicken soup for the soul? I was like, I got to buy this. Chicken soup for all. You actually bought that? Yes. I gave you Bloodlands. You gave me Lizzo. That sounds like a balanced offer.

Bro, I can't even read that. Oh, you mean the Lizzo way? Yeah, that way. 100% that book you need. That's it. I got you that. Oh, you got me that? Yeah, I'll bring it in next time.

I thought when she got in trouble, it would just blow a hole through everything. Ah, come on. I thought when they were coming after her for bottom shaving. You think you're going to get a, for what? For being a diva? Like, what was the worst thing she did? I thought it would put an end to, like, DC. What's the worst thing she did?

What's the worst thing she did? Can we just enjoy it? She didn't do anything. Yeah. She's also, for real, I know it's like, free Lizzo. Yeah. Free Lizzo. She didn't do shit.

She's a queen. What did she do? She's a queen. What was her accusations? Like, she made a performer show a banana for pussy or something? Yeah, like, come on. Normal shit. Fucking baller shit, dude.

Lizzo rules. Lizzo rules. I've seen her. Puts on a good concert. She's good. I've seen her. Although, I will say, I was actually pissed when they made her twerk with, I think it was James Madison's flute.

Why? It pissed me off. Why? It was just such a bullshit. I kind of like it. I think it symbolizes the time we're living in. I think it does too. I think the time sucks.

It's maybe, but maybe not. It depends on your perspective. I'm with you. It's the most fun time to be alive. Here's genuinely, it's like, I get it. I genuinely don't care about that guy's fucking flute. Fuck him. I don't like it.

Something about you. But I know why they're celebrating it. Right. They're like, yeah, yeah, in your fucking face. And it's like come on dude the guy founded America yeah yeah what did you write that's it I know they don't give a fuck about history right and by they I mean white little she played a 200 year old flute Jesus yeah I was emembik that yeah

I guess I don't give a fuck about it I have zero problem with that that could have been a replica she wasn't playing it like recklessly she was just working while she played it which is fine imagine the street cred you would get if you spiked it and said fuck white supremacy

that would kill oh my god that would be the most polarizing moment in human history. That would be big. I'd be like, wow. I'd be like, what the fuck? For the record, I take back my opinion from one minute ago. I still think it sucks.

The thing that does suck about it, though, is them covering it. That's the problem. They're covering it because they want you to be mad. She might have been doing it because like oh The Smithsonian was like you play the flute you're a major performer. We want you to play the flute so she did Her butt a little is that the biggest problem we have what this fucking drone bombings in Yemen problem we have with this fucking drone bombings in Yemen if you crane and like what I know that's where it gets confusing she did what she does she did first of all she did in her underwear yeah yeah costume I mean look how she's

dressed go back to that please please please I'm the wiggling of the buttocks I take it back. Imagine if they approved that costume, so they approve this costume. I take it all back. She's going to run for Senate. Nah, I'm back. I hate it. We're all over the place with this. Can I hear how good she

played it? She's a good flutist. She is. Flutist. She does love flute. Keep that in mind. It would be funny if they were like, this is actually a Native American flute. This is her instrument.

Oh, Mark, now I take it back. Now I'm back in. I like what she did. I think it actually rules. Her one instrument is the flute, and she's like, I'm playing a president's my instrument. She did it well. Yeah.

And so she fucking moved her body a little bit. That's fine. I agree with that. Joe. What does it say? What does it say? Joe, stop making me the bad guy. Racists play dog whistles? What is the problem?

What? The problem people are having with Lizzo has nothing to do with the flute or history. Thank you, Rex. It has everything to do with the fact that she's a black woman playing a flute that belonged to a slave owner. Oh, shit, Rex. Dude, what a big downer. Can you write any positive stories? We're looking for shit to get angry about.

Here's my take. If you're a right-wing conservative person and you get mad at Lizzo playing the flute like that. That's left-wing. The left-wing people are mad at her? No, no, no. He's mad at them for playing the flute like that. That's left-wing. The left-wing people are mad at her? He's mad at the poor playwright. No, no, no. The right-wing people are mad that she played that. The right-wing people are mad. And this is why. He's saying it's dog whistles. Listen, he's saying that the right-wing people are mad. He's saying the right-wing people are mad because she's playing the flute of a slave owner?

Exactly. Yes. That's what he said. Wouldn't left-wing be mad? No, no, no, no, no, no. She's playing the instrument of the enemy? No, no, no, no, no, no. I hear what you're saying. You could go that way, too. Because the right-wing people are mad that she is being disrespectful. The angel again! The right-wing people are being mad. No! Angel Salazar!

No! The Jews killed Jesus and an angel. The right-wing people are mad because Lizzo is supposedly being disrespectful to a historical flute. But clearly she's not being disrespectful at all. She's loving the flute. She's playing the flute. It's got to be left wing people mad. She's holding it very carefully.

Yes, I agree with that. She's playing it well. It's got to be left wing people mad. No, it's right wing people. But she's being with that. She's playing it well. Yes, Joe. It's got to be left with people mad. No, it's right with people. But she's being Lizzo while she's doing it. Like, if you're going to hire Lizzo to do it. What do you want her to do? She's going to do what Lizzo does.

It's like Rosanna at the National Anthem. It's like, I'm going to make Joe. It's summer. Exactly. Perfect example. Lizzo. Lizzo. Lizzo.

We are Team Lizzo. We're Team Lizzo. Play Lizzo's fucking first song. That was good. We're Team Lizzo. Play Lizzo's fucking first song. That was good. We're Team Lizzo. I stand behind her. I just took a DNA test. Minnesota Viking.

Yes. Shit, that's rude. Yeah, this song fucking actually rules. It rules. Fat women are funny. Don't get involved in the anchor. Just this song rules. Yes, Joe.

This is a good tune. How many views? Oh, my God. You missed. You missed many views? Oh my god, you missed You missed You almost broke my TV, you fucking idiot How many views on this song? There you go, perfect Five million

That's a good song You're surprised this lady made funny eat a banana? This song slaps Yeah, I tell you This is a good song Crazy that her backup dancers are mad at her. She's fun. She's having fun.

You know, that's always how it works, little man. That's always how it works. That's sad. Backup dancers always get upset. Can you please keep playing it? How do you run the thing? If you dare your backup dancers, how do you run the thing? Do you run the thing like someone who's a tyrant?

Or do you run the thing like you're a benevolent dictator? How do you run that camp? I know. You got to keep in control of these ladies or they'll get out of line. Fat ladies. Wasn't she saying they were losing weight? Who's she bringing with? But there was also that show that she had.

Fat dancer. Be lucky to be alive. Put those ladies on tour and their ankles couldn't sustain it. Like you're on tour now. She had a show? Yeah, they were on tour. These ladies were dancing on tour. Wasn't there, like, some kind of crazy thing?

My 600-pound life. It was like a lot. No. It was like these big girls that were dancing on tour. There you go. They're big. Blowing out MCLs. Wow, that just looks like an airport.

Damn, look at that big dog's back. It's like an airport. These are big girls. This just looks like Saturday night at the club. So they get out there and just fucking. You guys see the guy on the left? Whoa, what's going on there? Is that a guy?

Is this the California Panthers? It's a fucking H. Foley, dude. Jesus Christ. Sumo team. It's an Ozembic ad. Oh, my God. She's a fun lady. Yeah, she's a fun lady. Yeah, she's a fun lady.

We got to get her on here. No. Yeah. I highly doubt she'd be interested in that. I think she would. I think she would. I think she might stop herself, but she would be interested because she fucking rules. Well, listen, man.

If you watch all that, that's all fun to me. I don't have any problem with the way she played that flute. She was really good at it. Good flute. Who else is doing rock flute it went to the 70s? Till today they also must have like Green lit it like it's not like it was her idea It was the gay they were saying it was fucking liberal ass liberals

Smithsonian liberalist so they wanted it to happen because they wanted her to play the flute of a slave owner? Is that real? No, a president. Yes, they did. Yeah, they wanted to be like, we did it. But kind of didn't they do it? Didn't they do it, though? Isn't that okay to celebrate?

I mean, isn't that a weird thing? I know. I agree. It is a weird thing. I mean, it's kind of pretty badass. One of The most famous Yeah Black artist is playing

It's playing a flute Of a guy who owns slaves Imagine being at the concert That's the most American thing Yeah It's pretty fucking American Yeah Imagine being at the concert

And this guy's She's playing a fucking President's flute And you're the audience Go I don't know how I feel about this Well nobody in the audience Instead of going

This rules Yeah but then I saw it on Twitter And I had a couple drinks And I was looking at it And I was going I don't know how I feel about this At the, nobody in the audience. Instead of going, this rules. Yeah, but then I saw it on Twitter, and I had a couple drinks, and I was looking at it, and I was going, I don't know how I feel about this. At the show, it would have been like, this is, I was at the show where she played the fucking president's flute. Yeah. That is cool.

They're not doing that in Germany. Yeah. They're not doing it in Germany. They're not playing. They'd break out. Harvey Weinstein. Oh, it was harmonica? It really all depends upon your reverence for the faith, right?

He's just doing the fucking imperial march on harmonica. Harmonica? It really all depends upon your reverence for the king, right? He's just doing the fucking Imperial March on harmonica. Although I will say, if some Jew ripped a fucking electric guitar that Hitler owned, it would be sick. It would be cool. Harmonica Lewinsky. Like, if somebody let Paul McCartney play Napoleon's piano, that would be pretty fucking dope to watch. Wait, did he attack us?

Napoleon? I don't think he ever touched America. The Beatles took over America. They took over America. They took over America. They took over America. They took over America's youth. That's right.

Yeah, they did. They ruined it. Well, they stole black rock and roll, and then they came over here and corrupted our sluts. Oh, the British? The Beatles? Bro, their fucking story from Hamburg is like one of the wildest stories ever. What?

They went over to Hamburg, Germany, and they played like six days a week, eight hours a day. Yeah. Eight clubs. Eight days a week. In small clubs. For like two years. And they came back to Liverpool, and everybody's like, what the fuck happened? Hey.

How are you guys so good? They got good. If you drink that, I'm going to punch you in the stomach. Water? You don't like the way he drinks water? Oh, Ari, that's his studio. Ari, that's stolen from a stream somewhere. For the Hamas people?

That's don't do it. What are you doing there? Ari, don't piss in that. Go to the bathroom. I will. Go to the bathroom. What's up? Ari, don't piss in that. Go to the bathroom. I will. Go to the bathroom. What's up? Ari, come on!

Jesus Christ, dude. What the fuck? What happened? You bought one? Ew, your piss is so yellow. It's really leveled up. This is so unnecessary. You're so unhydrated.

I know that's not vitamins. This is way worse than Lizzo. Okay, squeeze it. If you are, yeah. Now get out of here. Put it down. Put it down. Ari, you going to top it off?

He's topping it off like we're at a gas station. Oh, man. Jamie, I hope you're getting a zoom on this. No, no, no. Cut this out. Go Asian porn. Wait, why am I doing this? Blur that out with Asian porn.

A zoom on this Semitic head. Why are you doing this? Because I had to fucking pee. I didn't know how much I had. Why don't you just go out? No, don't piss in the fucking not- Oh, more of the wise face. You're not going to make it.

That's good liquor. It's also a small hole. You're going to make a problem. I've done this plenty of times. Now I agree with Dr. Gay. Yeah. This is fucked up, dude. This is horrible.

Yeah, I have to pee too. You're ruining Harvard. I'm going to get up and I'm going to go to the hospital. Jay, be a man. Do it this. I beat you pee too. You're ruining Harvard. I'm going to get up and I'm going to go to the hospital. Be a man. Do it. I beat you, fatty. Joe. Joe.

Joe. Shaking it at the end already. Joe, he thought it was a competition. Oh. He's saying he's going to beat you. It's a lot of urine. I got out urine. There's more urine than I expected, I'll be honest.

What are you doing? I can go longer without peeing. You could. Or we could both die trying. Why don't you actually drink this time? I've had six of these. You have fucking four drinks. I didn't know it was three beers.

Well, now you've got to hold it. The competition's all ruined because Ari just pissed in front of us. That's true. Why'd you do that? Because he's a psycho. I've seen Ari piss more than I've seen any other man piss in the entire 56 years I've been alive. You should have seen no one piss. I've seen Ari piss on air.

It's like you had a pie chart of all the times I've seen him piss. It would be like Ari and a few fucking drunken shadows in the back alleyway of a bar where a bunch of guys are pissing together. You're Ari Kelly. It would mostly be Ari pissing. It's just easier. You can piss. It's not easier. You like it.

You're sexy. What are you doing in the bathroom right here? What are you doing? Did I piss in my own house in a bottle? The other day I had to pee and I was leaving. I was like, it is kind of a good point. I have to do all this all. Yeah, I finally saw it. You finally saw it. I can't get and I was leaving. I was like, it is kind of a good point. I have to do all this. Yeah, I finally saw it.

You finally saw it. I finally saw it. You got a point. I can't get what you're saying. The piss tapes. You know who has it good is Stanhope has a urinal right outside of his bar in his house. Really? Outside.

It's literally a urinal attached. There's no piping. It's just to the fence that goes outside. That's hilarious. Yeah. That's hilarious. Yeah, it's a good one. I hope he's all right, though. I know. That's hilarious. Yeah, it's a good one. I hope he's alright, though.

I think he's doing good. Is he cutting back a little? I think he cut back. That's not him. That's not him. Stay on it. I think he chilled on smoking cigs, right? Yes, he did. And then somebody just told me he killed. Yes, he opened up for Burt

in Worcester. He went out there as the mayor of Worcester destroyed yeah so he's like Worcester stand up it was like Worcester material I love him to death that rules every one time he's one of my favorite people that only pissed on my fucking You're fully pissed on my fucking... Look at him. The mayor of Worcester. Yeah, he looks good. He's hanging in there. He does look good. He's an animal. He's great.

He's got some of the best stand-up, like, just over the years. Oh, yeah. What is it? The one, No Refunds. He's got great points. No Refunds is like a... I saw him at King King in Hollywood, and he goes, you know, I make fun of everybody. People ask me, like, how come you don't make fun of Jews?

And I thought about it, and I was like, I mean, that's a decent point. Here's 35 minutes on Jews. That Jew chunk is incredible. It's a masterpiece. The what? The Jew chunk he has. Yeah, oh, my God. He's just a real deal.

Yeah. He's a great comic. He's a great guy. What you see is what you get. There's no hidden bullshit. He is who he is 24 fashion wise I love it yeah he's just he went silly like any went silly in our lifetime like good like happened someday yeah one day started wearing these suits and I'm like what you doing the suits yeah he's like I fucking went to the thrift store I like got some suits. I like it. I like it too.

He's just saying, hey guys, I'm not going to take any of this seriously. Yeah, I'm having fun. Yeah. I won't do it. He's having fun.

He sold out a, when I started comedy, it was like, the internet was still weird, but he was all over it. And he couldn't get a thing on Netflix or whatever. And he just sold out

all these theaters in New York and we all went to every show. Wow. And it was great, but I didn't know you could do that. You needed gatekeepers back then. You needed to get Comedy Central or Tonight Show. Huh? No.

Well, somewhere along the line, people realized that they can become the gatekeepers. Yeah. And that's what we're doing. Exactly. He did it first. He had an offer from San Jose Improv. Like, we'll give you $2,500 for the week. He goes, I can do that in one night at a bar show.2,500 for the week. He goes, I can do that in one

night at a bar show. And he goes, oh wait, I can do that in one night at a bar show. And then he started doing that everywhere. Yeah, I'll just do that. And he got a mailing list. And he also just stayed himself. No matter what happened, he just stayed himself. He figured out a way to stay himself. And not everybody does, man. We were

talking about this last night, like negative examples. People just went off the rails. Off the rails. It's just like you've got to figure out a way to go through all whatever the fuck you're going through and say, okay, this is what's happening to me, but I'm still me. And some guys can't do it, man. Yeah, they try to be something. You get a brand going.

You've got to keep it up, and you can't keep it up forever. That's so exhausting. Brand. Why are you in a brand? I get it, but it's like- You're just pissing a bottle. That's your brand, dumbass. And I'm being like, why are you going to the bathroom?

Are they pissing bottles? It's your brand, dumbass. What are you talking about? That is your thing, but it's a smart brand. It's absolutely right. Buffalo's, Trace. Pull up the plastic one. That's way more impressive.

If you drink it, you'll be the king of skank fest. Oh, no, no. No the king of skank fest. No, no. I almost vomited. Imagine if you drank it. It's still fucking hot. This guy should drink it. The guy who did the baby bird?

He would drink it. He goes, I'll eat all this if I get an internship show for free. I'm going to make money. He was already an intern. Oh, really? I just didn't get hired as an intern. That's how he was there. There was nothing to gain. He did it for props.

Nothing to gain. He did it for props. And he got the props. He's a legend. Your brand is this. You got to be this because you're already 71. So you got to be this guy all the way. You want to go pee with me, Norman?

No, no. I'm here. I'm good. I'm going to go pee with me, Norman? No, no. I'm here. I'm good. I'm going to go pee with you. I'm very comfortable. You win. Yeah. Clip it.

You know what's fun? Fucking acid Joe Rogan. Yeah. He's so nice. You're a different guy. That was fun. That was fun. He literally, we were standing there with Jamie, and he was like, Jamie's the best.

Yeah. He was so heartfelt. You remember that, Jamie? I didn't hear that. I know. Jamie, you went home and jacked off to that compliment Jamie How hard you jack off to who's skill of seven to ten just last night or today just last night about it Jamie Oh low-key funny

Loki Keep bump Jamie you're such a bitch dude now that Joe's not here. I'm gonna tell you truth I hate you. That's gonna get deleted now that Joe's I'm gonna tell you the truth. I hate you. This is going to get deleted. Now that Joe's not here, I'm going to tell you the truth. I fucking hate you. I heard you're a virgin. Can't get it out of you. Jamie, you got a little bitch tiny penis, dude. Did you see that?

Oh, Xi Jinping. Keep it going, bully. Shut up, dude. You're fucking Dr. Gay, dude. You keep bullying me. I don't bully you, dude. You're giving me your friends. He's like a real FSU fan over here.

Oh, FU. No, they deserve to be in. For real, Travesty. He's an Ohio State fan. Yeah, we don't deserve to be in. He tried to bully me. He bullied me earlier in the football season because he knows I like Notre Dame Fighting Irish. And then he tried to bully me, and then his team got buffed out in front of everybody.

Everybody laughed at them. The Seattle Storm. Yeah. This year I'm a Michigan football fan. Really? Yeah, this year. That's funny because they are literally the Jewish team. Are they?

Yeah. A lot of Jews go to Michigan. Yeah, really? Yeah, it's the Jewish team. A lot of Jews go there. I'm also a Tottenham Hotspurs fan. The Army. Yeah.

Yeah. I was in Edinburgh. They're like, you gotta start watching Football League. And they're like, what team? Arsenal. And somebody goes, no, Tottenham. They're like, yeah, Tottenham is right. Especially with that beard. Yet Army, what's up? Kalam a Jew.

What'd I miss? That's how cool you are, Nassif. Jamie's a bitch. No, we were just supporting Jamo. Shane was starting to get real nasty. It's how cool you are, Nassif. Jamie's a bitch. No, we were just supporting J-Mo. Shane was starting to get real nasty. It's a good thing you came. Shane was getting nasty. J-Mo.

I was not getting nasty. Shane claims nastiness in others a lot, but he's quite often nasty. Do you think YouTube would allow us to show piss on your desk? Yeah. Like right there. It's got to cover the dickhead. We'll make it as the seventh day of Hanukkah. Don't be sacrilegious.. Don't be sacrilegious.

Please don't be sacrilegious. Menorah. Labia majora. Oh, Jesus Christ. I can't believe I have to handle your piss. Thank God for plastics. It's so warm. You're going to die real soon.

Whatever's going on inside you can't be fixed by science. That could be chlamydia. Bro, it's everything. I peed in a cup once. They were like, you have it. They just dropped the cup. It just looked terrible. That was enough.

Scarlet letter C's in the fucking window. How'd they know? They were like, this is too warm to be healthy. Chlamydia. That's right. You're boiling piss. Boiling. Remember when you first got chlamydia and you're pissing in two directions?

You're like, something's up. I don't know what it is. I never got it. Vulnerable discharge. You'll get it. How weird is it? It's going on. Steaming right along.

How weird is it that there's diseases that can only be transmitted through sex? Yeah. AIDS? That's God. No, that's other ones. No, AIDS. AIDS, chlamydia, herpes. AIDS is definitely one. But no, that's needles, too. Yeah. Well, that's any ones AIDS, chlamydia, herpes

But no, that's needles too I'll quote Sam Kennison Name one Well you got chlamydia Gonorrhea Chlamydia, gonorrhea HPV Herpes, AIDS

But the wild ones are the ones that kill you Like syphilis kills It makes you have holes in your face And you see your fucking jawbone Is that right? Or Roger Ebert I bet it was worth it Syphilis was the one they brought back

From Native Americans That's the one that fucked up They had it? Yeah, what happened was they had a form of it that existed in Europe from people fucking animals, but then they got another one when people went over to North America and they fucked Native Americans. It was a combo. And then they went back and brought it to Europe.

There seems to be some real evidence in the 1400s that started happening right after guys went back from North America. Damn. And they started getting, and the people started getting like holes in their head and shit. They have holes in their faces. There's like these really ancient drawings

of what people looked like when they were suffering from syphilis. Ooh, it's scary, dude. Imagine fucking a hot Choctaw back then, though. 1496. That one must have been hot. You know when you speak the same language,

you're just banging some lady in a teepee. That's wild. And then you get some disease that makes holes in your fucking scalp. Show images of people dying from syphilis, Jamie. What did you do? Take the piss jug? I just ruled him.

I didn't know you could get a STD from a Native American. And again, I'm not exactly sure about the syphilis thing I've been told two different things I've been told that it existed already but then I've been told that it's also there's different strains that the one that existed in Europe was very different

than the one that existed in North America imagine instead of going to the fucking doctor at the Bob Hope Clinic you had to take a rod down your fucking cock hole and they didn't have antibiotics back then. And guys are still going for it. Guys are still like, I'd rather not use a cock hole. Look at the holes on people's faces. Imagine going to church

without your face. Nah, it's from a toilet seat. This is also how Al Capone died. Al Capone died of syphilis. Rodded his brain. Look at, Jamie, show photographs of people dying from syphilis. It in his brain. Look at, Jamie, show photographs of people dying from syphilis. It's fucking terrifying, man. Really?

It makes you rot holes in your fucking head. And now we got a penicillin. Look at that guy. Look at that guy's head. Look at the top of his fucking head, man. That's what crocodile does. Yeah, real similar. Who? Crocodile. What's that? Russian drug.

It eats away at your skin, so you expose bone. Look at that guy's fucking face is gone. Wow. That's a kid. What are you going to go? Why dress up? Why even wear a button-down shirt? If you're going to have that.

God, that's so terrifying. What else are you going to wear a t-shirt? That's a terrifying disease, man. How did the kid get it? How did he stay still for a fucking drama? Dude, there's a bunch of different diseases that before things like penicillin, they just killed everyone. They just killed you. Before they came up with antibiotics, people were fucked.

Do you know that if the Spanish flu happened today, that they would be able to cure all of it with antibiotics? Really? Yeah, I was listening to this podcast. We were discussing what was the cause of the deaths of Spanish flu. And it was a bunch of different diseases that would be also caused by this compromised immune system from the flu. You're getting devastated by the flu. And then you get like emphysema or something, tuberculosis or something like that. But they were saying that whatever these diseases were, in a modern hospital setting, if you came and you had them, they'd give you antibiotics.

Wow. And you'd probably survive. Do you think that would be with COVID 100 years from now? Like, just give them, like, muscle, total vitamin. Well, the Spanish flu would just kill everybody. Yeah. The COVID thing, there was a lot going on. Yeah.

But I'm saying, wouldn't they have some new medical thing? They're like, oh, you just give them a shot of this. Oh, 100%. They definitely would. Yeah. But it also would be like, why was everybody so sick yeah why was everybody so vulnerable yikes we're lucky to be alive now and in this country we're also we like what the covet thing should wake people the up to is that this whole thing is super fragile and you think it's

not because it's not right now because right now now Ari can cough and I can fucking unzip or pull my fucking cord and adjust my seat. Everything's fine. But if right while all this is going on we got hit by an asteroid, like right now. Oh, yeah, yeah, exactly. All your safety. I just did ten push-ups. I ain't going to help you now. We could just be chilling and you could just hear a subtle boom in the distance.

Like, boom. And that's a five-mile-wide chunk of iron hitting China. And then the whole world is fucked. The whole world is fucked for a million years. Yeah. And we probably don't survive. And what probably survives is crows. Crows probably evolve. I hope it's just survives is crows. Crows probably evolve.

I hope it's just crows and cats. Crows grow thumbs and their wings start having hands on them and they start making buildings. Yeah. Just like humans came out of shrews. I was just in Yucatan. They said the whole Gulf of Mexico is just the comet. You didn't know that? You stupid idiot.

And all the cenotes. You didn't know that? You stupid idiot. You didn't know that already? I didn't know that at all. You fucking dumbass. Fucking shit, James. Stupid and all the stenotes Yeah, that was just a theory until like I think the 80s I think if you look at a fucking map It's obvious kind of yeah, but they had to figure out things like core samples and shit They had to figure out a ridium a radridium's the big one. Ew. We haven't had a- Stop doing that, dude. Everybody's going to use that. Or a comet.

We haven't in a while. It's inevitable. It's not a boy's dick, you little rabbit. No, it's 100% inevitable. Just come. Just get us already. Well, the thing is, it's like every June and every September, we go-

What is it? The Leonid comet showers? We go through these things. Oh. Every June or every November, I think it is. How was that? It hurts. America is the best country on Earth. It hurts the throat. Yeah, it hurts the throat.

It's so cold. Can you imagine how gay you'd feel if you were from another fucking country? Well, if we did this podcast in Canada, we'd be in jail. Oh, yeah. Straight jail. Straight up jail. You imagine how pissed the Taliban would be if we were in Afghanistan and having fun like this? America! The left and the right would

hate us. They hate our freedoms. Yeah. If we were in Afghanistan doing this, first of all, you cussed. They must watch our porn and be like, this is pretty good. You promoted a woman. Shit goes sideways. What if Saudi Arabia steps in and buys Protect Our Parks? They say people that put on the Francis Ngannou, Tyson Fury fight, they step in and go, listen, guys. We need this.

America's fallen. You can either accept that. I would support it. You can either accept that. Saudi Arabia, make an offer. And move to a place where we have zero crime. Let's go to Dubai. Give me those glasses back. You accept that and move to a place where we have zero crime. Let's go to Dubai. Give me those glasses back.

You accept that and move to a place where we have zero crime. Did you switch already? Are you guys switching glasses like little gay lords? Have I been wearing them the whole time? Yeah. You didn't switch. Am I retarded? Yes.

What do you mean? What happened? I think I'm just retarded. I got these from your house. Yeah. Guys, Saudi Arabia. I bid I perform for the troops. Number one.

Best golf in the world. Saudi Arabia is the best. Number one. UAE, I'm with you. Saudi Arabia is number one. That place is a bummer. Joe Biden agrees. I went there, and it's just sand and murals.

Whoa. Murals of weird guys and turbans and shit. It was a real bummer. It was sad. Jesus Christ. Just ruined our deal with Netflix. We're trying to go to Saudi Arabia. I was performing for the troops.

That's even worse, dude. We got to start supporting. It was the Taliban. Yeah, there we go. We got to start supporting those guys because we're going to have to make the jump, dude. It's going to happen. America's dead. The move is we need to get in the oil business.

Got to get in oil. We got to start drilling. That's where it's all at. Protect our parks, oil. Imagine we have protect our parks gas stations. How many bros would only get their gas at protect our parks gas stations? Just let you imagine. Here's the idea.

That's when they would all arrest us. If we branched off into gas stations, they'd be like, hey, gas stations. We're a stripper park. Can you imagine? Oh, here's the idea. That's when they would all arrest us. If we branched off into gas stations, they'd be like, hey, fuckers. Here's an idea. We get one stripper. We get one stripper. We keep him. There's a stripper inside the gas station. She's dancing on the pole.

I would go. It would just be Mark doing puns. That's what it would be. Every guy named Phillip filling up. I'm going to hologram Mark on gas. Fart. Gas digital? It would just be Mark doing puns. That's what it would be. Every guy named Phillip filling up. Fill her up. Gas. Fart. Gas digital?

Gas station. Yeah. Gas station. What's that, Lizzo's butt? That's not bad. Got to use that for real. Gas station. That's what killed Ari's family.

Okay. Ari's family. Is this the only time in your life where you can't really predict what the world's going to be like in two years? You can't anymore. It's so fast now. It's so fast now. 90s fashion's back. Soon, like seven years ago, fashion will be back.

You're excited about the fashion? What the fuck are you talking about? Everything goes faster and faster. 70s was in five years ago. Then 80s. Then're excited about the fashion? What the fuck are you talking about? Everything goes faster and faster. 70s was in five years ago. Then 80s. Then 90s. But it makes you wonder, are kids younger than us, real young, going to go the other way? Yeah. And go, hey,

we should... Oh, they're off Instagram. Are they? Yeah, they're like, this sucks. Everybody's angry at each other. Let's not work. Let's go out and fucking hike. Are you one of those guys that has like Idealistic views of the younger generation? Yeah Cause that's like the gayest version of dudes possible

Gen alpha Like this next generation's gonna save us The next generation always blows Millennials sucked The next one after that was like Hey our fucking older sisters sucked We're due for a good one Let's do something different

We're due for a fun group We're due for a good one. We're due for a fun group. We're due for a fun group. Drinking during 9-11. Forget about this idea of generations. Our group had a good run. The collective group of human beings is only pushed to action when they have to be. And if everything collapses and if the corruption and the chaos is so bad that you don't feel safe ever, then we'll do something. But every step before that, you get more and more cowards that figure out a way to just—

Yeah, hard guys make soft dicks. What? Wait a minute. Hard guys make soft dicks. What? Soft dicks Soft dicks make hard guys That's it

You know this is like a fucking cycle Of nature They talked about this in the ancient Hindu Text in the Vedas This is the Kali Yuga This is the Kali Yuga This is the Kali Yuga This is the age of confusion

They figured it out a long time ago. This is like these These are these times where people are working towards something and then they achieve it and they get too successful and things get weird And then they start creating their own bullshit and not appreciating anything and not not Practicing gratitude and it all fucking comes tumbling down with greed and deception. Yeah, they're like, we've accepted this already, now what's wrong? Instead of going, hey, it's pretty great, huh?

At least we get to talk about it. We get to talk about the hard times. Because in Gaza Strip, they're not bringing up gender. Yeah, they're not at all. Very good point. Very good point. Yeah. But they're also not very divided on whether or not kill all the Jews is okay to say. Yeah.

In Gaza's troop? No. I mean, it's like- I'll be honest. If I was a guy in Gaza and they blew up a fucking block of a city, I'd go, it's time to kill all the Jews. Yeah. Yeah.

Sure. You can blame them. I mean, I'm close anyway, and nothing's happened to me. I know. I do that in Brooklyn. You already hate me. Isn't it crazy? He's like, I've met one, and he ain't great.

I'm just joking. For the record, I'm just joking around. We're comedians. Ari, you are the creator and founder of Shroomfest. Yeah, oh, true. Hey! And isn't it kind of amazing that there really is a solution to world conflict? There really is a solution to world conflict. There really is a solution to world conflict.

If we really made every world leader, if they all got together, and obviously you wouldn't have the security to do it. Everybody come together. It can't be the whole world. They have to be protected. Otherwise, it would be bad actors who would take advantage. Big fucking sleepaway camp.

Closed down. Somewhere, something. You guys love camp. Make them all do it. Do mushrooms. Have a good time. Everything's safe. Mushwits.

And then have someone talk to you about things. Yeah. We're going to have some speakers. Do mushrooms the whole weekend. And have some really calm people talk to you about alternative ideas. Yeah. I think it's July 21st weekend this year. There you go. I think. When July 21st weekend this year.

When did you start it, Ari? 10 years ago, maybe. Jamie, play cool music. You should keep that folder always open when this party's gone. Actually, play Christmas music. America, fuck yeah. I know, America, fuck yeah, but also this is the holiday edition. It is a Christmas episode.

Maybe we should start buying beers for America. Also, Christmas but also this is the holiday edition. It is a Christmas episode. So maybe we should start bonging beers for America also Christmas. Yes. What song? We got a point set of here. It's Jolly, Jolly Christmas. Whoever's bonging gets to pick the wonderful Christmas song. Doesn't Mariah Carey have a Christmas song? Oh, yeah.

You're going to have to pay for that one. Let's go. No, play... You think so? Should we be mad? Yeah. That's yours? Okay, who else?

Who? No, that's it. Oh, okay. That was singing. That's yours? Okay, who else? Who? No, that's it. Oh, okay. I was singing. Are we getting in trouble for that one, Jamie? I like the waitresses also. Will they come for us? I'm skipping.

Hit Hall & Oates. This is good. It's an ad. This is an ad. It sounded nice. You guys can't get the ad free. This is like when you fucking roll out. We were talking about this last night. When I was a kid, I'd get mad if people...

Come on, man. Bonging a beard of this is very fun. This is kind of nice. This is fun. She was a hot whore. Joe, wait for the drop, then bong it. Oh, look at the midget. They had a hot midget in there?

Look at her. I didn't remember a hot midget. Oh, there's another hot midget. Oh, yeah. McKenna fucked her. Did she? What? McKenna used to fuck her.

Mike Cannon. Nick Cannon. Mike Cannon used to fuck Katy Perry. Joe, drop's coming. Wait. This is when it kicks in. Wait. Yes, dude. This is the most kicks in. Wait. Yes, dude.

This is the most played Christmas song of all time. Shotgun. Shotgun. Yeah. Happy holidays, everybody. That's fun. That's fun. Let's keep doing it.

Let's keep doing it. This is a song. This song is fun. It's killer. Play it all in the background. Play it all the way out the back. What a body she had, man. God damn, she was hot.

What a body she had. I think she's interracial. Yeah, you think? She's human, bro. That's a hot human. Stop messing with details. Ooh, I think P. Diddy was up in that for a hot minute. P. Diddy fucked Mariah Carey?

Oh, yeah. I'll tell you what. It turns out P. Diddy fucked a lot ofy? Oh yeah. I'll tell you what, it turns out P. Diddy fucked a lot of boys. That's what I heard. Allegedly. That's the rumor. Allegedly is the word. Oh, shit. Bro, no one's funnier

about P. Diddy than 50 Cent. 50 Cent's funniest of all time. 50 Cent is a savage. Really? He goes after everybody. He's rich, and he doesn't give a savage. Really? That dude. He goes after everybody. He's rich, and he doesn't give a fuck. Nat. Nat Kinkle.

Uh-oh. Yeah, 50 Cent doesn't care. He's like, he's out. Pull up to 50 Cent. What did he do? Yeah, why are you distracting us from 50 Cent? I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

50 rules. I just wanted to. 50's hilarious. He's hilarious. Why don't you subscribe to the premium? I do have it. I've never gotten it. 50 rules. I just wanted to... 50's hilarious. He's hilarious. Why don't you subscribe to the premium? I do have it. I've never gotten that. Come on!

This is like when you fucking roll a Pandora and an ad comes on. Pandora. I've done that. For me undies. Oh my God. Damp.com. Let's hear W.I.X. at that point. Oh, look at that guy.

Wait for the drop. Guys, this is Christmas. This is back when black folk weren't allowed to do stuff. This is a duet with John Legend. Oh, that's the new version. This is not what I want, dude. Give me the original. Maybe it's good.

I'm sure it's awesome. Are you allowed to play any Spotify song here? You better be. We don't even know. You'm sure it's awesome. Are you allowed to play any Spotify song here? You better be. We don't even know. You should have a Spotify account. Let me be honest. While I'm drunk, the only way to do this properly is to not pay attention. That's smart.

James Brown. I pay attention to almost nothing. You've got to have Spotify. They fired Meghan Markle, Bruce Springsteen, Obama, and Kardashian. Obama. Yeah, but they alsoen, Obama, and Kardashian. Obama. Yeah, but they also hired them. Yeah, true. Yeah, well, they took a shot.

They thought it was a moneymaker. They need someone. Can we just enjoy the holiday season? We are. To tell them. We got a poinsettia here. Can we enjoy it? The thing about podcasts, this is important.

It's not as easy as it seems. It's like stand-up. Similar, yeah. Eskimos. But this is what I'm saying. In stand-up, people are talking. And you're like, I can talk. I see Ari on stage.

He's talking. Everyone's laughing. I can talk, too. I think I can do. No, it's not a stretch. Just like being a doctor. You're wrong. I bet Ari can laugh. Genuinely, I can talk too. I think I can do... No, it's not a stretch. Just like being a doctor. You're wrong. I've been already laughing.

Genuinely, I watch it. I watch Ori on stage and I go, I can do that. You motherfucker. I've never seen somebody on stage more that I've been like, wait, him? I can grow a beard. I'll do that. Oh my god, I inhaled cigar.

Oh, shit Do not inhale Dr. Gay over there Dr. Gay, she's so gay too She was pretty gay She was so fucking gay I can't believe I took in cigar smoke Come on, you've taken in worse

Is that a punchline? I dropped my left hand. Ari, what song do you need? Treadle? What were we just talking about? The best song is Sandler. Adam Sandler's Hanukkah or The Waitress' Christmas Rabbit? No, you got to go Sandler.

I'll Sandler for Hanukkah. That's a classic. Let's do it. Sandler's the fucking man. I love Sandler. We never discussed it. Love Sandler. I think Sandler might be the GOAT.

He might be the GOAT. I just ran GOAT. He might be the GOAT. I just ran into him. He might be the GOAT. Never put on pants. I just ran into him when I went to New York for the UFC. I landed at the airport right when he was about to leave, and I ran into him. That guy's the fucking man. He might be the coolest.

He's so genuinely nice. Sandler is so genuinely nice. He used to come to Swartzen parties and just hang out, just be chill. Dude, I've known that guy for, fuck, I don't even know now, like, more than 20 years. He never got serious. He's always been so genuinely nice. Great guy.

My daughter loves him because during the pandemic, we watched a bunch of his movies. Crazy fucking penguin. Shut up, Ari. He's telling a story. During the pandemic, pandemic, when everybody got locked in their houses for fucking two months, remember those days?

We watched nothing but Adam Sandler movies because it was like something that I would enjoy and they would enjoy. We'd all enjoy it together. So we watched everything. We watched Waterboy.

We watched everything. Waterboy might be number one. Billy Madison is the shit, dude. Billy Madison and Happy. Waterboy might be number one. Billy Madison is number one, too. Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore. Everybody's number one, too. Happy Gilmore is the shit. True connoisseur. Yeah.

Waterboy. You can't beat it. They're all at the same level. Vicki Valencol. You know who's not a fan is the Harvard president. Hamas. Hamas hates Waterboy. Can you imagine? Death to Adam Sandler. Hamas hates Waterboy. Can you imagine?

All right, death to Adam Sandler. I don't want to get involved. That's what controls their Waterboy. But here's the crazy thing. If you look at the reviews, like professional critics, if professional critics review Adam Sandler movies, they're horrible about it.

You're so wrong. It's stupid and silly. That's why he called it special. If you don't like The Zohan, if you're so stupid. It's stupid and silly That's why I called a special if you don't like the Zohan if you can't watch that movie and laugh your fucking ass off Then which is about the con we're not looking at the same thing. Yeah, well you can't pretend this is fucking apocalypse now You're either on the side of funny or against funny. Yeah If you like if you don't like Hubie Halloween, you are the dumbest motherfucker

of all time. Hubie Halloween is so fucking good. It's amazing! He's fun. There you go, Ari. Alright, Jews! That's good for the Jews. That's all you, Ari. It's been Jews. That's good for the Jews. That's all you, Ari.

It's been a while since you guys called it W. Well, they're doing all right in business. Everything else is not great. Athletics. That was a good win. Porn. My management team. Yeah, same.

Holla. Yeah, if you're doing well. Yes. Get a Jew. Get a good Jew. They know obviously. If you're doing well. Get a good Jew. Get a good Jew. They know what the fuck they're doing. Susan Sarandon got a nice taste of a little dreidel up her ass. What happened?

She got fired. From what? She got let go for making some Hamas stuff. Let go from what? Being old? Oh, God. She was like, you know, everybody wants to be a fucking political activist. Just stay out of it.

Just be like Sandler. Just stay the fuck out of it. He stays out. Stays out. He just keeps making fun stuff. Making fun stuff always. You're either on the side of funny, you don't care, or you're against the funny. And they don't care either. Hell yeah.

They have to care. Susan Sarandon apologized for a terrible mistake of making anti-Jewish comments. She's just an actress. She's just like Will Smith. She's just an actress, got caught up in shit, and was like, oh, people aren't- Dude, if I was up there- They get caught up in attention, man. If I was up there, and they handed me a mic, and there were Palestinian flags, I would say the wildest shit.

Yep. I would be like, yo. Yo. Here are the rules. Yeah. Kidbet and killing Jews There's nothing I don't even eat pork

I am delivered I don't eat pork no more Dogs suck I'm not gay no more I am delivered I am delivered Delivered I don't date women I am delivered. I am delivered. Ert. Ert. Wait, delivered. Delivered. Delivered.

I don't date women. I only date women. I don't want to wear a purse. He's just clearly, specifically naming what he wants to do. What is this? We need a bomb factory in every hospital. I would not put on makeup. I would not put on makeup! I would not put on makeup!

He wants to put on makeup so bad. Love... ...a woman. People are like, No one's talking about this, dude. Now watch the dancing. Listen, what- Y'all please God with him!

Hold on, wait a minute! Somebody believe God with him! I'm not gay no more. Let's kill Tony. This is Tony in Red Band every day. I'm not gay. Neither am I. Man, Jordan Peele is cooking. Really does look exactly like Jordan Peele is cooking.

It really does look exactly like Jordan Peele. Yeah, I'll get one of this. Do you get it at the beginning? I'd like to get one of this. Keep going. Oh, and what's the song? Let's go. What's the song?

This is my song. Here we go. I'm not gay no more. There it is. I am delivered. He's go. I'm not gay no more. There it is. I am delivered. He's delivered. Make that a gift. Damn, that was quick, Combs.

Women, women, women. I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I really need sunglasses. I'm not a person. I would not put on makeup. You got to do yeah. I would not put on makeup. You got to do it. I'm not gay no more.

I would not put on makeup. He just lists everything he wants to do. I would not carry a purse. Wow. Oh, yeah. Look at that. He's got to be a comedian now. How's he doing?

We got to stop J-Mo. Oh, wait. He's done this. Is he still going? We got to get him on the pod. He's gay as hell now. Why wouldn't you be? You think about what fucking-

It doesn't go away. Right. You don't just cure gay. I disagree. You think what Angel Salazar did with Scarface. That dude should be able to do with that YouTube video. Exactly. Ride it till the sunset.

Probably the same amount of numbers. I mean, that's as funny as it gets. I would literally pay to see that guy- After being delivered from homosexuality, Andrew Caldwell says he now has a girlfriend. Do you see this lady confused? Look at his outfit. Look at his fucking outfit. His girlfriend's big mic.

Why'd you go black? We all look very heterosexual. Distraction. Us? Yeah, the way we're dressed. We're all heterosexuals, man-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh- Who's the gayest? I think you would do some gay shit. You've made out with Big Jay. Where's the whiskey?

No, I haven't. Oh, that was Louis. That was Louis. Louis really made out with him, but yet no one worries about either one of them being gay. Yeah, that's why it's funny. They're not gay. They're doing this gay thing. Well, that's one of the beautiful things about the comedy community.

Nobody gives a fuck if you're gay if you're funny. No. Nobody gives a fuck if you're trans, if you're a girl, if you're a boy. No one cares about anything. The gayest dudes are so funny. Gay guys are funny. People are just like, let me do something super gay that is hilarious.

That's straight dudes. I'm talking like literally gay dudes. Mateo Lane is funny. Mateo is so fucking good. He's a funny guy. Mateo is the, like, band leader for gay funny. He fucking rules. Yeah. He had a joke.

He had a joke. I don't know if he put it out. Whatever. If he didn't delete it. Just ruin it. Yeah. He had a joke about he plays Call of Duty. Him and his gay friends play Call of Duty.

And they're, like, in there, like, looking like looking at like like oh look at the wallpaper call of booty i could not stop playing call of duty yeah yeah yeah he's killer fortnight is a gay version so gay it's the only game where you're shooting and decorating at the same time you're literally mid-battle you're like like, cease fire! We need a bay window. I'm like, what? Call of Duty, they want it to be so real. To the point when you go on the battlefield,

your commander yells at you. He's like, all right, everyone, your mission, murder everyone. And I'm so naive. I'm just like, I played Nathan Lane in the bird cage. I'm like, ah! Like, I'm so... And this is a feature,

I don't even understand how this is legal. This is a feature, everyone's wearing headsets, right? So you can only hear your own teammates. But in Call of Duty, when you kill someone else on another team, you can hear three seconds of their audio. So all you hear on the battlefield when you kill someone is like,

. And I'm so naive, I'm like, how do they know? He should be able to say it. He's so good. Well, he clearly can. Why don't they beep that out? It's his channel. It's his channel.

There's a couple. What a stupid world we're living in. I can't wait for mind reading. Bring it on. Bring it on. Expose everyone. Mind reading. Let's go.

Joe, we cannot have mind reading. Mind reading plus legal acid. We can fix this. Mind reading is bad. Mind reading is going to result in your woman is in a... Women are going to be segregated. Why? Why?

If you brought... Dude. What would happen? If you meet your best friend's wife and in your head is like, yeah, I'd like to fuck her from behind. And then they know about it. It's going to be a disaster. You're going to have to learn how to curb those thoughts, homeboy.

Never going to happen. It's a blink. It's a blink. Never going to happen. What are you talking about? This is what it'll be. This is what it'll be. There'll be many layers

of what a thought is. There's a thought about- You have to categorize, but the early days, when it's like Mark comes in, dressed nice, shaven, I'm like, oh, fuck that. You are the gay one, dude. I knew you were nasty and gay. What is this?

This is a movie with Tom Holland and Daisy Ridley, who was in Star Wars. The sci-fi thing is explaining what you guys are talking about. Men's thoughts are out loud, and women's are not in this movie. I thought it was very interesting, but what you're saying is what is happening. Well, Chappelle had that old bit when he was 14. He sounds like a little bitch in this movie.

That's hilarious. Chappelle had that old bit when he was 14. She ran away through the woods. He's like, I'd like that old bitch, he ran away. They're in the woods. He's like, I'd like to hold her down and fuck her. No, no, no. Mark is just one part of it. Mark is just one part of it. Norman's trying to talk, you fucking animals.

Chappelle had a bit when he was 14 about how superheroes, he's like, you know, what if Batman went to a black neighborhood? Where's the car, Robin? Whatever. But he had a great bit about Wonder Woman as a lasso of truth. So if she scooped you up, you'd be like, nice tits. That was when he was 14. But it's true.

That's what we would think. If you could do mind reading, we'd be fucked. But isn't the problem is that we can't read minds. Shouldn't people adjust the way they think about things? No. We're animals. I bet you can if technology arises. Here's the thing.

We think that's not progress. What about Google? Are you willing to give up Google on your phone? Joe. Are you willing to give up Google on your phone or not? Google is fine. Yeah, you're going to get to the next Google. The next Google is mind reading.

Joe. What? There's no way. It's in your head. Get in there, bro. Look around. Get in There's no way. It's in your head. Get in there, bro. Look around. Hold on. Listen, man.

Look around. A lot of meat recipes. Hold on. I really am pretty consistent. Joe likes to cook meat. So. Oh, here's another jalapeno steak. A hot lady.

I'm really into reverse here, but. A hot lady comes up to you. A hot lady. Hot lady walks up. Imagine a hot lady a hot lady walks up imagine a hot lady she looks directly into your mind you're not going nice

literally every single woman who is like well if we get deal with it if we get mind reading right

every single woman is all day what if a hot lady walks up to you and goes I think I don't have to work anymore if I can fuck. That would be that, too. That would be the other side of it. Whatever.

If she looks at you and goes, this guy, he's a sweet guy. Yeah, I don't think we need technology for that. I could make myself love him. Imagine you're a married woman on a treadmill and then you look over and you're like, oh, there's Jerry Seinfeld. Maybe I don't have to with my husband anymore. I can suck that

Bentley after looking at it online. I can suck his dick into a full future. That's going to be a thing. It's so easy. We're so vulnerable because we're all like women are so like a hot woman like a Really hot woman is so fucking powerful Take it easy

When you see lunch and Sanchez and Jeff Bezos you like I get it Transformers Megan Fox, oh, yeah, it's just like you, and they know it, too. Who's the chick from Transformers? Megan Fox. Oh, yeah. It's just like, you can do whatever you want with anybody. Yeah, Stomperos was talking about her the other day. Oh. It's like, yeah, like angular.

Just like superior genetics. Like eyes. Why are you talking slow and soft? Yeah, why are you trying to get us hard? Yeah, come on, Joe. I'm going to take these headphones off if you keep talking sexual. Sorry, boys. Who just did the transformer voice?

What voice? Didn't one of you guys just do that? Robots in the sky. Just do your head, buddy. Oh, that was me. Sorry. All right. Nice.

That was good. I'm just fucking around. But yeah, we can't have too much... A little ignorance is bliss. You need a little bit of fakeness. Yeah, but that's not gonna happen, man. I'm telling you, that's the bottleneck. A little ignorance is bliss. You need a little bit of. Yeah, but that's not going to happen, man. I'm telling you, that's the bottleneck. The bottleneck is.

End of society. You'll need some. It'll be so bad. It'll be way worse. We think social media is bad. We think social media is bad where we're like, everybody shouldn't be talking. The last thing I want is to bring my girlfriend around my friends and listen to my friends thought of like I

fucker I'd fucker I'd fucker of course how about this I wouldn't fucker would also be terrible yeah I'll tell you what Aerie I've never heard a better Aerie yeah whatever that's I mean that's that's the worst yeah you bring a hot, you think, oh, this is my girl. Wait, why does that guy not? And then a guy, you bring your girl around, a guy goes, ew. You go, well, I have to kill him. But imagine a guy like that. Or how about this?

When you see your friend, he's with this woman, and you're like, oh, that's going to be the end of him. Yeah. Or that, too. Oh, your buddy's mad at you? That's the one. We've seen that one. We've all seen that one. Oh, that'd be the end. It's been good hanging out with you the last 10 years.

We're not going to hang out with you anymore because you've got some fucking controlling lady. I've seen some guys who had real potential and then all of a sudden they got involved in some woman and then the woman forces them to quit their job real potential. And then all of a sudden they got involved in some woman. And then it's over. And then the woman forces them to quit their job and get a regular job.

We've all seen that one, you know? You need to get a job. Oh, my God, he's at the fucking verge. So many guys aren't in comedy anymore because of that. Yeah, for real. But if you're a woman and you're banking on a dude like she felt so soft How many women have saved all of us from some just fucking retard? Lingering around what do you mean? I'm saying like a lady going like so there's a guy you started with that sucks and

then a Woman finally meets a babe, and she goes, please, God, stop doing stand-up. You suck. Oh, good point. Good point. We're like, he's annoying everybody. It's important to have a nasty woman there to ruin everything. Yeah, wounded antelopes can't walk by the waterhole.

Crocodiles take them out. It's almost like we need them as buffers. That's what we need. That's why the crocodiles take them out it's almost like we need them as buffers that's what we need that's why the crocodiles are there for every guy who could have been something that got taken away

by a woman there's seven guys who need to be taken out yeah there's way more way more antelopes where the crocodiles live that's funny they talk about

they talk about how like behind every great man is a very strong woman behind every complete loser is a truly strong woman. I'm every complete loser is a truly strong woman that crushed his spirits. Right.

Like, it's totally true. It's so true. Some smart woman was like, stop what you're doing. You suck. No. Future. Bro. Also, it's like, that's a weird dynamic when the woman has all the power. Yeah. Like, I was fucking around on stage about a Mackenzie Bezos how she married a science teacher

Like Mackenzie Bezos divorced Jeff Bezos. She made like 38 billion dollars and she married a dude worth Less than 16 months How is this going to work? It lasted 16 months. He actually fucking tapped out. You got no power. You can pretend for as long as you want, but you don't. That's a hard fucking. That's what women should focus on is guys who have potential but don't know it yet.

Yeah. How could you do that? And then let them build your business and you just say, I was with you from the beginning. I support you. All right, he's pissing again. Holy shit. Right, but if you're a woman that's worth $38 billion, like, what do you do? If you're worth that much money, what do you do?

Like, what are your options? You can't find any man. But women like a successful guy. Just type the words. Listen, listen, listen, listen. You're looking at it wrong. You should be nurturing the loser. You're looking at it wrong.

You're looking at it wrong. I'm looking at it right. That's a big head on that menorah. A woman who has $38 billion doesn't need anything from you. So why would she listen to anything you have to say? All she wants is big dick. Every NBA player, every wife they have, every hot actor, they just get an Instagram fucking influencer.

None of them get a scientist. All right. I got to ask this. I don't know if that's 100%. Not 100%. But a massive majority. They don't get any smart chick. Look at all the piss.

Yeah, that's a lot. I'll admit to that. And then the other boys. Jamie, can you play Joy to the World by Nat King Cole? Joy to the world. I'm just kidding. All the boys and girls. No, no, different one.

Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea. Joy to you and me. Oh, here it comes, dude. This is a jam. Oh, that's way different than ours. Look at him. Look at him go. Damn, that went down easy.

Thumb up. Shane's a boy. That went down really easy. Shane's a dog. You know what, Shane? Do you have a fun thumb? Do you have a thing? Let me tell you something, bro.

You got a fun thumb. What do you mean? Because your thumb doesn't go straight up. Your thumb goes all the way back. Look at that extra angle you have. Oh, yeah. I don't have that angle. I got it.

Yeah, Ari's got it. Ari's thumb is crazy. Jamie, I saw you throw that thumb up, dude. You got no curve on there. Yeah, bitch has got it. Jamie's got it hard. Jamie. Oh, my God.

That's insane. You guys all have fun thumbs except me. Fun thumbs. Fun thumbs. You and I, it's pretty close. Yeah. You guys have unfun thumbs. My ears are connected.

I get that all day all night. That's a weird one. If you look at Biden. What's the difference? Hitchhiker's thumb. If it doesn't go all the way back, it's a serial killer. Hypermobile. You may have Hitchhiker's Thumb.

Bro, when I was in high school, I remember there was dudes that could take their thumb and push it all the way to their forearm. I remember that. That's insane. He's got it. Can you do that? I got it. Oh, my God. You can do that? Easy, big fella. Is that touching. Oh, Ari's got it. Can you do that? I got it. Oh, my God.

You can do that? Easy, big fella. Is that touching your forearm? It is. Ow. Oh, my God. Mine's not even close. Oh, I can't do it on this hand.

Jamie used to be able to do it. I can't do it. I heard you go, I can't do it anymore. It hurts. My shit's tight. My shit's not even close. Wow. Comfortably thumb.

Which way do you go? This side's better. Under? Whatever way you can go. Under. Hands here. You can get it there. I can't even come close.

I'm a solid inch and a half away. Inch and a half away. Thumb fights. I can't even get any closer than that. Jamie, I got a request for the next one. Comfortably thumb? Maybe an inch. I literally just said that.

Christmas wrapping. That's another weird one. Some people could do weird shit with their wrists, too. Can you just play Nat King Cole, Joy to the World? Well, pre-internet, double-jointed guys were king. Were king. What the fuck is that? They dominated grammar school.

Double-jointed. You're like, what? Yeah. They dominated grammar school. They were the king. Or the guy who did the flip up of the eyelids. Remember that guy? Oh, yeah.

That was big. That was a big one. That was a big one. There was no entertainment. The flip up of the eyelids freaked everybody out. Yeah, that thing, the inside out. Oh, that was a big one. That was a big one.

Well, we had to make fun. Remember the bat wing with your dick? You remember the first guy that cummed? I got a spider bite. You remember that guy? When you were a kid? Yeah. You go, God damn, that guy's a freak.

What do you mean? We had a guy in my group of friends that- Came? Came first, and then he got hairy. Oh, yeah. My boy hit puberty a year and a half before all of us. Yeah. I like the background.

How old was he? He was my age. What was the age that you both were? At my age? 41 was the age that you both were? At my age. What does that mean? What does that mean, though, bro? Aren't you back in time with me right now? Oh, my God, look at this stack of Bud Lighters.

No, no, no, this is everybody's. Shut the fuck up. Two of those are Ari's. Oh, my God, I'm taking a picture with that. No, no, no, this guy's having fun. No, shut the fuck up. That's amazing. No, no.

Some of those are Fong's. It's everybody's This guy's having fun. No, shut the fuck up. That's amazing. No, no. Some of those are bong videos. It's everybody's. It's everybody's. I don't give a fuck. I'm putting that shit online. Give me that bong, dude. I'm the king of misinformation. Keep it rolling.

King of misinformation. Shout out, Mike. I'm spreading that misinformation. Shout out Mike Connolly. He got pubes and hair before all of us. An Irish gun. And then he played, he would call my house and he would go like, Shout out Mike Connolly. He got pubes and hair before all of us. Oh, an Irish cunt. And then he would call my house and he would go like, hey, is Shane there? I remember my parents being like, no, who is this?

Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. Did you guys jerk off together? Oh, yeah, we all did. We did that. I did that. I was like, no, guys, it's fun. You should try it.

I get a lot of shit for that online. Everybody's like, no one did that. I did that. I was like, no, guys, it's fun. You should try it. I get a lot of shit for that online. Everybody's like, no one did that. I did. We all sat in a room. All the guys who say they didn't do it did it one minute. I understand why they think it's crazy, but they didn't have friends. I guess so. If you had friends and one guy had porn, you jacked off.

Why wouldn't you share it? Why wouldn't you share this awesome thing? You shared a sweet treat. VHS tape. Well, we got the Pam and Tommy tape mailed to us. I can't pong another one. This one, dude. And that was a big deal.

We all got together and got under the covers. Dude, when I was a kid, the VHS tape came out. I was a kid in high school. And you could get porn. Yeah. And, like, other kids started getting porn. It was huge. Sharing porn at school.

Yeah. And we'd fucking trade porn with each other. And I. It was huge. Sharing porn at school. Yeah. And we'd fucking trade porn with each other. And I remember it was like a – VHS tapes. It was an orange tape or a blue tape. It was always colorful. Really? I don't remember that.

That's exciting. The little fucking adhesive you'd be able to write on what it was. Yes, yes. Exactly. Bro, it was difficult to jack off back then. No, it wasn't. You just used your imagination back then. Right.

I said, if you want to watch that. Fast Times at the Ridgemont High. Good enough. I know. That was huge. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. You jack off to that now, you've got a problem.

Yeah. Now it's like you're fucking. That girl's young. Yeah. Really? Right. How old was she? She was in high school, right?

I don't know. But when you were younger, it was like, I don't know. She was older. We were in high school, too. Lately, me and that guy, we're both jacking off. Yeah, we've all did that. Oh, that guy was my acting teacher in L.A., yeah. Oh, what?

Did he try to convert you to Scientology? No, no, it wasn't one of those schools. That was in Silver Lake. That's a big thing with the acting schools, man, is Scientology. Really? That's a big thing. No, she was West or something like that. A girl I dated went to a Scientology acting school? That's a big thing. Don't do it, kids. Actors West or something like that? A girl I dated went to a Scientology acting school.

It was right behind Fred 62's. And I had to go to this fucking thing and watch. What? Oh, my God. What? One of the things that was fascinating was they'd have these moments where they would just, like, they'd give them the opportunity to do whatever they wanted on stage. Wow.

They'd call it, like, a private moment. They would go up and, like, pretend to read a book and, like, cough. It was so strange. I was like, what's going on here? Why is everybody Scientologist? And then Callan was involved in one. I bet. And Callan told me about it.

And he said, dude, everyone was Scientologist. What is this? Oh, Phoebe Cates. Phoebe Cates was so pretty. So hot. She quit the business. Fire that up, J-Mo. She was around 17 or 18 during filming.

All right, that's legal. Definitely don't film it up. Don't film it up. Don't film it up. Wow that up, J-Mo. She was around 17 or 18 during filming. All right, that's legal. Definitely don't film it up. Don't film it up. Wow, that's a classic scene, her coming out of the pool. Christmas wrapping. Guys, I got a question. What was your favorite Christmas gift, dude? Not your excluded.

I mean, come on, dude. Obviously, I'm out. You had some good moments in Hanukkah. You got a candle. I'll tell you mine. Yeah, go ahead. I got nothing forever. And then...

What do you mean nothing? I got my parents... Your parents didn't give you gifts? Yeah, I mean, it just sucked. It wasn't good. Okay. And then one year, eighth grade, I got a TV in the guest room in our house. They had like a TV room now.

And then they got me a PS2. Whoa. That was number one. That's pretty good. Have you ever seen the black kid gets a fake Xbox? And my dad hid the PS2. What do you mean? So I opened all the gifts, and they were like, that was what you got this year.

I was like, all right. Yeah, great. Socks, underwear. And they go, all right. Yeah, great. Socks, underwear. And they go, hey, check behind the couch. PS2, Grand Theft Auto. That's nice. See, now that'd be filmed. And then have you be like, oh, socks.

Have you ever seen that kid? Like life. Yeah. That kid gets a fake Xbox. Like, you got an Xbox. Little black kid. It's me. Is that you, Jimmy?

My Nintendo. Oh, that's cool. Nice, dude. Nice, sure. Nice pants. Look at this fucking house. Look at the Woodstock thing in the back. Wow.

We need a piece of music. This shitty TV on the floor. That's a great TV with a system. Hell yeah. I don't like to think that there was a Jamie before I met him. Younger Jamie. He just appeared from another dimension.

I can't believe your parents love you. That was nice. You were young when you got that good shit. Yeah, I was about to turn six. We had a tough Christmas.

My parents got us all garage sale shit. Yeah. And we opened it and we're like, oh, a used wrestling buddy with stains on it. Oh, shit.

What's a wrestling buddy? What's a wrestling buddy? Wrestling buddy you take up to your room and you cut a hole in it and you fuck it. It's a stuffed animal macho man, Randy Savage. And you know they spent a lot of money on it and they saw your fucking... There they are. Damn, I look exactly like Stone Cold. Oh my god.

I can't stop laughing. Yeah, I used to fuck the shit out of that. I jizzed all over those. Those were the two I had. Oh my god. You had them too? I had those too. Oh my god, this is hilarious.

I fucked the shit out of Hulk Hogan. With the Hulk rules shirt on. Well, that's the thing. I got used ones. They had jizz on it and stains. You're going to fuck it. That's a real problem if they ever really do invent robot fuck dolls. I mean, just think about what they're able to do now with face swap.

I saw him. Go. I saw him first. You give him another one? Go. We just hop in a gorilla. All right, I'm going to pee. Again. No. Yeah, I got to pee. I saw him first. You give him another one? Go. We just hopped on a goola. All right, I'm going to pee. Again.

No. Yeah, I got to pee. I'm hydrated. You're slipping, man. I'm feeling really healthy. I will say you've changed. Since our challenge. You have changed.

You tried to push me to the brink last week. I could, but I don't. No, you tried to. You could, but you didn't. What's the point? I will say. Let's just pee. Joe, as a listener, you pushed me to the brink one time. Since then, you've been peeing every episode. I broke you. The waitresses. Yeah, you didn't. What's the point? I will say. Let's just pee. Joe, as a listener, you pushed me to brink one time.

Since then, you've been peeing every episode. I broke you. Don't play truces. Yeah, you broke me. I just have to pee. Yeah, you broke me. Put on Havana Gila for your fear. Damn.

Shotgun that. Beacon Theater, January 27th. Shut up, you fucking pussy. January 27th, go see Mark Norman. Shut up. Shreveport, tickets are low. All right, go, Ari. Hava Nagila, hit it, baby.

Nice. Put it down, fatty. Yeah. I do, actually. Yo, for real, though, free Palestine. There you go. Yo, for real though. Free Palestine. There you go. Yo, look at me in the face. Free Palestine.

Hey, Ari. You mean they had been since 2005? Free Palestine. Guys, I'll be in the Palace of Fine Arts January 13th. Can I get out? I'll be in Tempe and Tucson this week. Get tickets at AriShafir.com. Denver setting the record for shows.

AriShafir.com from the river to the sea. Where are you setting the record? Denver. RACFU.com, from the river to the sea. Where are you setting the record? Denver, straight sold-out shows in Comedy Works. Doing two straight weeks. Hell yeah. Favorite club in the country. Two straight weeks.

It is the best club. First week of March, second week of March. First week of March is on sale now. Setting the record. Best club in the country. Why would I go anywhere else? Palestine pro people, go bomb that. Yeah.

Oh, my God. You pay 1.25%. Why would they go anywhere else? Palestine pro people, go bomb that. Yeah, Palestinians are welcome. You pay 1.25%. Go bother him. Protest. Protest outside. It'd be great for sales. So much. Boston, Toronto on sale this week. There you go.

Mark. All right. Yeah. The shotguns go down so hard, so fast. The throat. It hits the throat. It's like the brain freeze. Yeah. All right. Yeah. The shotguns go down so hard so fast. They have the throat. It hits the throat. It's like the brain freeze. Yeah, it's cold.

Well, can you explain what brain freeze is? Because I always thought it's when your throat gets really cold. I got whiskey here. You're up, brother. I think it's just the fast amount of cold. Oh, you never got it? I only get it in here, where it hurts here, where I got to go. That's how I get it.

I get it. But what's brain freeze? Up into the temples. You don't get it in the temples. Brain freeze is a myth. It means the roof of your mouth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You ever like a...

I get it in here. I'm like too cold to go after a Slurpee. But I never get it in anywhere up here. What is it? I think people have a hard time discerning what... Oh, you coward. Did you back out of it? It's his turn.

No, I was gonna take it. It's your turn? It is his turn. Oh, all right. I think people have a hard... It's so much pain back here that you think It's his turn. No, I was going to take it. It's your turn? It is his turn. Oh, all right. I think people have a hard time. It's so much pain back here that you think it's in your brain. Really? Yeah, I think it's flaring from the back of your throat.

It's so hardcore that your brain is like, holy shit, what is this? Because it's literally like your floor is rattling. Like, what is going on down there? Why is it so cold down there immediately? Brain freeze is a myth. Slzes a Murphy like the clip? I'll be though, but it gets you in the throat. We like Kind of get it in the back of my brain you do yeah, yeah, I kind of get it nice mark Nice mark

You know it's funny. I get I get uh Wow Brain freeze anytime. I do coke really You ever get that in the back of your head? Not on coke, no. You ever snort something and it hurts kind of the back of your head? Yeah. Oh, when I shit, when I move fast, sometimes I'm like, ow, what is that? Speaking of coke, Hunter Biden's in trouble.

Is he? Holy shit. He's indicted. They got him good. Can I just wait for the days that they're going to do a Hunter Biden movie and it's going to fucking rule because his life fucking rules. Nick Cage. Nick Cage could play Hunter Biden.

Joe, give me that. Oh, yeah, he should. Nick Cage as Hunter Biden. I think he spent $827K on hookers. He rules. He should be. Well, listen. Isn't that what you do when you win the lottery?

The dad president lottery? I mean, this is the thing. What does your dad do? My dad does, oh, the ultimate. It's you win the lottery? The dad president lottery? I mean, this is the thing. What does your dad do? My dad does, oh, the ultimate. It's like winning the lottery. It's like winning the lottery. If dad's never around. My dad was second in charge.

He went to first in charge. There you go. He knew the black guy. My dad sold bottle caps, and I still got hookers. Yeah. Yeah. Stop that. You can't judge him. You can't judge him. What's your song, Joe? The same song.ers. Yeah. You know? Stop that.

You can't judge him. You can't judge him. What's your song, Joe? The same song. Okay. No, no, no. What's your Christmas song? Get a Christmas song.

Let me think. I don't know an actual Christmas song. It's only been the last one. Really? Just whatever comes to mind when you think Christmas. Come on. Jingle Bell Rock. You can do it.

Yeah, that's a good one. Jingle Bell Rock. Who does it? Is there a person who does it better? Run DMC, Christmas in Hollis. Hey, that's a classic. There we go. Run DMC. Give me that. You can do it. Yeah, that's a good one. Jingle Bell Rock is good. Who does it? Is there a person who does it better? Run DMC, Christmas in Hollis. Hey, that's a classic. There we go. Run DMC.

Christmas in Hollis is up there. Hollis Queen. It's number three. It's number three all the time. Christmas in Hollis. Let's go with that. All right. Keep that Hunter Biden tab open.

Oh, sorry. My bad. Jamie, can you bring that up? He's just Googling it. Wait for it. Wait for it. Wait for the drop. Oh, there it is. Dude, December 24th at Hollis.

Yeah. It's wonderful. Very nice. Come on, fire it up. It's crazy that Aerosmith had to throw them a bone. No, it was the other way around. They needed street cred. Oh, interesting.

Yeah. It was December 24th when Hollis happened to talk. When I see the man chilling with his dog in the park. I approach him very slowly with my heart full of fear. Looked at his dog. Oh, my God. A little reindeer. That's very funny.

Chug on that. Wait. Joseph. Come on. This is your era. Yes, Joseph. There you go. Joseph sucks it. Man? Come on, this is your era. Yes, Joseph. There you go. Joseph sucks it.

Man, well done, buddy. We're going to be retarded. Where are you retarded? Dude, me and DeRosa went to see them. The world needs this. Let me tell you something, boys. We're retarded. The world needs this right now.

The world needs this kind of four level stupidity that we provide. Dude, me and DeRosa went to see them at Forest Hills and it was LL Cool J's like rock the bells and they're like saying everybody's got to stay on time. Run DMCs there in Queens and they're like hey, we got to wrap it up. Everyone's behind. And whoever the leader is, I don't know whichever one

they're the older here. He goes, no we're not getting off. We're run DMC and this is Queens, New York. Get the fuck out of here. Hurry up. I don't hurry. I'm Run DMC, and this is Queens. You're going to wait.

That's exciting. It was so fucking cool. I will never have that. I'm like, oh, I got to get off. All right, my bad. You got it. You got to go. You got to go.

All right, thank you. Thank God. The weird thing about shows is people get so controlling. Yeah. It's literally the opposite of entertainment. Yeah. He was like, what's that? What?

Oh, time's up? Oh, cool. Thanks. He was like, nah. What's that, water? Dude. Mark's trying to balance out. You're always the biggest coward.

I've been going for liquor. Mark, why are you? I want six, seven, eight, or nine biggest coward. Why are you always the biggest coward? I've been going for liquor. Mark, why are you? I want six, seven, eight, or nine of these. Why do people describe you as cowardly? Jamie. What are you doing to it? Can you find? There's only one coffee cup in this whole room.

Oh, you have coffee? Hilary Duff sleigh bells. Want some? Oh. Yeah. J-Mell, can we get some more coffee cups? I'd do the mug. There we go.

These get hot here. Yes, that's the one. Oh, Hilary Duff got hot. Hilary Duff got a little thicky. I like her. This is for the troops. There you go. Thicky dicky.

Is he going to piss in that too? What do you got? Oh, my God. Ari. Jesus Christ. Don't piss. How too? What do you got? Oh my god, Ari. Jesus Christ, don't piss. How much? Hell yeah. Hit me there, George.

Give me just a little caffeine. I thought he was gonna piss. Whoa, looking good. There we go. Remember she threw that bog out the window? Duff Riders. I'm into it. Thank you.

What am I looking at? Hilary Duff. What'd she do? She's got a fucking fat ass. It's duffing season. Holy hell. And it's good. It's helping everybody.

The whole country's coming out at her off for it. What was her Disney show? She had a show. A Nickelodeon something. She was a kid. Lizzie McGuire. That's the one. Lizzie McGuire. A Nickelodeon or something. She was a kid. That's the one. Nice pull, pedo. Isn't this a good one? Yeah. It's fun.

I wasn't a pedo back then, dude. I was a ped myself. When she threw that bong out the window in Manhattan. What? Out of an upper story, cops knocked on her door. She took a glass bong. A big one and just chucked it out the window. Before legalization. There's something with the Mouseketeers. She took a glass ball, a big one, and just chucked it out the window. Before legalization. Whoa.

There's something with the Mousketeers. She rules. They get hot, right? She's trouble. Timberlake's hot. Britney Spears. They all get hot, those Mousketeers. Christina Aguilera.

Aguilera. Britney Spears. Yeah, all of them. They all get hot. They got sexy. Pressure creates diamonds. There you go. Ari loves diamonds. Joeure creates diamonds. There you go. Ari loves diamonds.

Joe. Justin Diamond. What was your best Christmas gift? Skateboard. You got a skateboard? Yeah, I was so excited. I would love to see Joe fucking Ollie. Different actress.

Amanda Bynes. Amanda Bynes. That's what I'm thinking of. Very different. She rules. Fuck Hilary Duff. I knew Hilary Duff wouldn't do something like that. Hilary Duff's a sweet angel.

Amanda Bynes is a wild stallion. Who's that lady? Amanda Bynes. Amanda Bynes. She's something. What'd you say, Jamie? She's back in the news today because I think she announced a podcast. Oh, really?

Good. Everyone listen to it. Yeah. All you have to do is throw a bong off the window. You got Ari's vote. Oh, she's the best. Ari is super simple. Who is she? Amanda Bynes. Jim Cox. Ari is super simple. Who is she?

Amanda Bynes. She was on like the witch show or something. And she's throwing bongs out the window. She jumps in on a window and then I'm in. I fully support her work. Thank you, Joe. I knew you would. I like what you're doing.

Yeah, those kid stars are fucked. Yeah, but make sure it doesn't hit people in the head. Is that her? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is that her face tattoo? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is that her? That's her now, yeah. Oh.

Okay. I'm off the train. It's not going great. I'm off the train. Damn. No, you're back on, dude. That's all in. The nose ring, the face tattoo. I'm like, slow down.

He knows we might want to look at different options. I knew this was going to be a good podcast. This is a good one. How about George Santos? He got expelled. DeSantis? George Santos. Who is George Santos?

Mom's in the Holocaust. Dad's a 9-11. He did the whole thing. What? He made up a lot of stuff and he got elected. Oh, that guy. Well, they like victims. He's awesome.

There he goes. In talks with federal prosecutors about possible plea deal. Oh, my God. He's in fog. He'll be on here soon. Bro, it's so wild that crazy people can get all the way to positions of power. Like, full on fucking insane people. It turns out the voter class is retarded.

Well, here out the voter class is retarded, so... Well, here's the thing. If you're going for, like, low-level stuff... Yeah. Right? City councilman. Who the fuck is paying attention? Who's gonna say whether you lie or not?

Who's paying attention? Well, I was actually a... What's he saying? A World War II vet. He's on Cameo now. I want him to say happy birthday to me before my birthday. He's gotta be making a fortune. For $300, you could get that.

Is that what it costs? I bet. $500. $500? Are you allowed to post it on Instagram? I don't know. Yeah, Cameo doesn't stop anywhere from posting anything. They're the worst.

That'd be a funny post. If I only had him announce all my tour dates. Joe. Joe is going to be at. Yeah, imagine. Joe, I'm getting that for you. Oh my God. Ruin my Christmas present. Every show.

I gotta find a new one. Every show, every show. If you had one person that would announce every show you ever did, who would it be? Woody Allen. By the way, Andy. Remind me of that after the show's over.

Andy Hall, there's a scene where the other guy, his friend, goes, I had two women last night. 16-year-olds. Pull it up. That's great. Really? It's just a different time. It wasn't even like, can you believe? It's like they put it out as big as they could have.

Yeah, Tony Roberts. Nobody cares. That was his name. Wow. 15-year-olds. nobody cared. That was his name. Wow. 15-year-olds. It's crazy looking at different times. The way slavery was accepted, the way smoking on fucking late night was like, man, whatever. Smoking is now like a label.

Like, hey, watch out, there's smoking in this movie. Wow. Not even anal, just smoking. You, not even anal. Cameo is a good question. What do you mean? Who would you pick? Who would you pick?

For what? To a person? Quarterly or like all time? OJ Simpson. Who would do all your tour? OJ. You do Donald. I mean, if I could get Trump.

If you get Trump for a thousand bucks a date. You would do it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Shane's rich, bro. It would pay for itself. A hundred percent. You'd go straight to arenas. Shane's rich? Yeah. He could get a thousand a show. I'm not rich. You're a thousand a show, Rich. Listen to me, Shane.

I'm not just full. You drove here in a fucking Mercedes. I didn't think I was going to make any money, but I thought I was definitely going to be a dead, retarded guy. Well, you got like a hot mom car. That's a nice car. What are you talking about?

The white Benz. No, that's a dude. He's got a Dodge Caravan. Luxury. Thank you, Joseph. That's a dude. Mark, tell him about our test drive. Tell him about our test drive. Hold on a our test drive. These New York faggots don't understand. Wait, wait.

Hold on a second, Mark Garman. I got a Corolla. Shane Gillis, I came to your fucking house and I took you to the Mercedes dealership. Really? Tell him about my test drive with you. I would have literally never bought a nice car. What did you do, Joe? Open it up?

Joe has literally every single thing I do I need Joe Rogan going do it bitch I'll never do it I need Joe I actually I need Joe to see my fucking closet in my house that's a nice closet my house with your own nothing I have nothing. I have like two pairs of sneakers. You're going to fill it up. Yeah, but that's not what's important. I need you going. What's important was like you were telling me, I'm thinking of getting a nice car. I go, let's get you a nice car. Get a nice car.

Yeah. He goes, you want to go with me? I go, fuck yeah, I'll go with you. And so I know a lot about Mercedes. I love them. I don't even own one. You've never gotten one. I'm just a giant fan of engineering.

It's a great car. And I'm like, dude, that S giant fan of engineering it's a great class is nice it's the shit because it's enough what do you want a fucking racetrack it's fast enough and it's this luxurious see when you pulled onto the highway was like the pickup was great. You're traversing through these lanes in a lap of luxury. These fucking New York guys. These New York guys these days. These days you left 10 minutes ago.

I know, I'm joking. I'm joking. But I will say you guys are fucking complete losers. I got a Beamer. Yeah, I bet you do. I got a Beamer. I will say. Yeah, I bet you do. I got a city bike rental. I have an old Beamer. I got a year-long city bike rental.

I knew as much or more about that car. I knew as much or more about that car than the fucking dude who was selling it to you. But I was like, dude, you got to tell him how fun this is to own it. He didn't know shit. He didn't know shit. I was telling him, I'm like, dude, this has four-wheel steering. Let's go. Dude, Joe took me in his Porsche once, and he was just like, let me open it up.

We just went on the fucking 101. It wasn't even like a test track. And he's like, let's go. And I got to the point where I was like, hey, Joe, I'm actually pretty frightened. You've got to slow it down. Did you see the super truck beat that Porsche? What? You didn't know?

What? Yeah, yeah, the cyber truck. Cyber truck, sorry. Yeah, that was crazy. Towing a Porsche beat a Porsche in a drag race. In a big-ass truck. A 2023 Porsche 911. And then you have a cyber truck towing the same car and beats it in a race.

Look at this. What? So it beats it in a drag race. It's fucking towing a car. That can't be real. It's real. It's 100% real. That's real, baby.

Listen to me, man. The fastest car I own. The fastest car I own is my Tesla. This is the ultimate commercial. And by the way, if it wasn't towing that Porsche, it wouldn't even be close. Right. That thing gets to zero to 60 in like under three seconds and it's 7,000

pounds. It's immediately at 100%. Immediately. Immediately. It doesn't have gears. It doesn't have gears. This is Leah Thomas. That's the breaststroke, Leah Thomas. It's not even close. It's not even close. It's not even close.

Leon Thomas could carry a woman behind her and still win the gold medal. I know a lot about regular cars, like regular combustion engine cars. There's only one car that can beat that in a drag race, and that's the Dodge Demon. There's a new Dodge Demon. What is it, the 170? I don't know the Dodge Demon. There's a new Dodge Demon that has over a thousand. You can buy it from a fucking

Dodge dealership. It has over a thousand horsepower. It goes zero to sixty in 1.6 seconds. What? It's the fastest car that's ever been made. Look at this fucking thing. Challenges fucking rule.

Dude, this thing is insane. Wow. This car is insane. Oh, yeah. Zero to 60 is what? 1.66 seconds. Wow. Zero to 60.

Crazy. From a factory. 1,025 horsepower. It's the only thing faster than a Tesla. Well, look at it off the fucking wheels. Bro, it gets wheelies. It's moving like Bandit does. Like back legs.

Back legs only for like three steps. It's like a fucking terrier. It's like a little terrier. No, dude, you've changed. Are you pissing too? Nice, Mark. You've changed. Welcome to the world. God damn it. What is he Nice, Mark. You've changed. Welcome to the world.

God damn it. What is he peeing? I didn't know. I missed the video. Mark and I are supposed to be in Memphis the same day. Come check out one of the two of us. What is the bottle he's peeing in so I know not to drink out of it? Water.

A water bottle. Okay. What are you pissing in? No, no, no. Like the water jug. The jug? Yeah. You gotta use that.

What jug? Did you drink all the water? Is there water in it before you pissed in it? I drank all of it. Now we need a new one. Mark, you can't piss in the thing we drank water out of. Mark's not cool. Don't listen to him.

It is cool. Sorry. Correxit. Oh, sorry. What if I have a scientist in tomorrow? And I'm like, scientist? And replace water? We've done a really good job of scrubbing all the piss out of it. You might want to get a new one.

How do you have time? He's still going. Amazon. Mark, I didn't know you had a tiny penis. I see it right now. You see, this is a detrimental effect. Mark has a tiny penis. The detrimental effect of rude actions in society. It's a trickle down.

The old wizard Shafir, he cast the spell on the young Jew. Nice, Mark. You filled it up, bro. That was full. Wow. Let me see what that is. Reusable. Don't touch that.

That's insane There was water in there There was no water Dude fuck off Hold it up to that You're a liar That's not the same No way

I saw him drink it I saw him drink it Hold on the bottom's warm The bottom's warm The bottom's warm. Shotgun net. Bottom's warm? The bottom's warm. Wow. The bottom's warm. The middle's warm. What a urethra.

I can piss. I was a bed wetter. Jamie, can you see this? It's disgusting. Can you see it, though? Not really. Is there any way? Where can I bring it?

Right to that camera. Right to that camera. That camera? You have to tip it. Tip it right out of that camera. Why? I piss. I could have gone more. Up Tip it right out of that camera. Why? I piss. I could have gone more.

Up higher. Oh, there it is. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher.

Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher.

Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher.

Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher.

Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher.

Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher.

Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher.

Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher.

Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher.

Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Oh, shit. I emptied that thing. I will give anyone in this room $500,000. Yes, yes, yes. $500,000?

Ari, you got to drink that. That's all it is. He's being pulled in so many directions right now. I need the money, but that is too funny. Oh, my God. This might be the best Protect Our Parks of all time. Are we on number 10? It's a holiday.

Number 10. Spectacular. We fucking did it. Hell did it. I think we brought America back. We were on the break, but I think we brought it back. We've been holding that since 2. Oh my god.

That piss is extraordinary. Get a new metal pitcher, because that thing's ruined. I'm going to drink out of that tomorrow. Yeah, just wash it out. Just wash it out. Dude, I was sick last week.

I'm not scared of piss. I was sick last week. I came down, and I just, my chick was like, can I drink out of that bottle? And I was like, um, yeah. She was like, you can. She was like, I'm joking. I saw how yellow it was. Oh, my God.

When I was a kid, our plumbing went out for like a week, so we had to pee and stuff. And I peed in a cup and put it on the counter. I was like nine. And my dad drank it. And I've never seen him more angry. He took my own piss down. He thought it was like apple juice or something. Yeah.

Oh, that's a college thing. That's a frat thing. It was bad. He flipped out on me. That's a frat thing. It was bad. He flipped out on me. That's a frat thing where people are like 18, like, oh, it's beer, and they just fucking go for it. Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's right.

Have you tasted piss? It's a wild taste. It tastes like nothing you've ever tasted. Wow. What's your favorite kind of piss? D-I-G piss? That's the worst kind. What race is the best piss?

Ultra runner piss? The more yellow or orange, the worse. Swimmer piss. But there's some bad piss out there. Well, that brings us back to squirting. Let's go full circle. Let's go squirt. Full squirt.

I don't believe it's piss. What piss goes out like that in a quick matter? It's like a rooster tail. All piss, Ari. All piss. If a woman just lies down and pisses, it squirts out. You know how male dogs have two fucking urinal cakes?

One is for pissing and one is for marking territory. I'm saying squirting is that second kind of urine. Interesting. I've tasted it. It ain't piss. It's got no smell. It's just a fucking clear gel. Clear piss. Clear. Yeah.

It's just water. It's pretty much clear. Well, the thing about urine is the more uric acid is in it, the more vitamins are in it, the more dehydrated you are, the more it's going to smell asparagus, all the different things, the elements that could lead. I'm a piss expert, bro. I went to piss. I took a...

I have a master's in pissology. I just know that regular piss doesn't even smell bad. Piss HD. If you're really hydrated, because it's water. It's when you're not that it's a problem. It's when you're

not hydrated. It's all bad. So if you have a really well-hydrated lady who pisses in your mouth, like, what's the big deal? But you got to be really hydrated. Yeah, exactly. But what's the big deal? Who gives a shit?

What's the big deal? A lot of girls like to piss and fucking piss. Are you scared of period blood? Dude, it's a power move to go, ah, my period. I don't fucking care. Yeah. It's also honest. Like, who gives a fuck?

Who gives a fuck? It's all moisture. It's all honest. Like, who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck? It's all moisture. It's all moisture. I'll wipe my mouth off this week. I'm so not scared of blood. Oh, you're talking about going down on it? Yeah, dude. That's aggressive.

Red wing. Please stay up top. You stay on the top shelf of the vaginal. No, I just let it all happen. If it lays on her period, yeah, you just fuck her. You put a towel down. No, you fucking get their tongue in there. Guys, do that.

Think of a Hanukkah. Oh, shit. Ari's up and at him. Oh, he's gone. He's not going to kill Tony. He's going to fall asleep. He Luke Combs-ed it at the end. Oh, man.

That was quite a spit. Jesus. I forgive you. Like Christ. Even though you guys killed him. I forgive you like Christ. Welcome to our religion. We forgive.

We forgive, dude. We forgive. Listen, if there's any one message we can take out of this podcast and project to the rest of the world is that you can have as much fun as we're having. You can have as much fun. I know. You can have the best time of anger and fucking look what that guy did. Or you can be like, oh, that guy's cool.

Or you can be four dudes just having a good time. And then you can operate motor vehicles. Yeah. If you do shit like this. You're going to have to hire people tonight. Very well. Very well. Drink and drive, everybody.

What's really important about the future of the world. Yeah. Mark, do it, dude. Mark, don't be a pussy for once in your life. Mark, it's for the Christmas spirit. Hey, Mark, instead of every day in your life where you're a pussy, you should not be a pussy. Shut up.

Shut up about your whiskey here. Let's inspire him with some Mariah Carey. Yeah. Please. Dude, this is a Christmas song. It's for Christmas. Let's mix it up. Give me something new.

What do you got? We haven't done Mark McCartney. We haven't done The Beatles. We haven't done Paul McCartney. Paul McCartney.

Oh, it's a great song. Simply having a wonderful Christmas time. Let's do it. Let's do it. Yeah, fire it up. Let's do it. All right.

It's time, dude. I need the tune. Let's do it. How about Elton John wearing sequins for Christmas? Well, let's do that then. Never heard of right. It's time, dude. I need the tune. How about Elton John, We're in Sequence for Christmas? Well, let's do that then. Never heard of him. That's better.

We can get with some LPGTQ. I don't want to get AIDS. AI plus. Guys, I'll be honest with you. That's a song I made up just now. Yeah. I never heard that one. You got me.

I was ready to write a sub stack on that. Jewish propaganda. I was ready to start tweeting. I was ready to start tweeting. I was ready to start tweeting. Elton John. Hit me with it. All right, all right. JMO, this is not what we needed, dude. This is going to be a saboteur.

JMO's always a saboteur. Chug to this, dude. I don't love it It's gonna become your favorite song Give me some volume It's Ellen Johns It's not gonna not be good Ellen Johns the killer

He was so good People were like nah he's not good Give me Freddie Mercury Freddie Mercury Nobody beats Liberace Liberace was so wild is that a Christmas song? Liberace was so wild, he had his boyfriend get surgery to listen to it. AI cover.

No, no, no. That's crazy. Don't allow this. AI cover. What do you mean? It wasn't real. It was an AI version. Oh.

Jamie, if you don't play Paul McCartney. Not AI cover. We're not going to let it suck you. Hold on a second, please. Everyone's talking about, what is AI? Which one? What do you mean, what is AI? What do you mean, what is AI?

No, which video that we just saw is AI? The Freddie Mercury singing was not real. Oh, back up. Back up. Let's see it. Let's see what the fuck they did with AI. Why are you making decisions here? Play that.

I want to hear what the fuck they did. They're going to nail it. Yeah, but... It's actually pretty good. Of course it is. They do it better than us. Nah, it's not giving it to me. Wait for it. Hold on. Wait for it right here.

Just empty your mind, Grouse Hopper. Shuck on that. Finish that, boy. I need the drop. Here it is. Right here. Right here. Stop being a coward.

Did you drink any of that? He's about to. No, he's about to. Wow, he's always a kid. He's about to. Give me that, pussy. He's about to. That was right by my to. I'm waiting for the right time. He's about to. Give me a minute. He's about to. That was my cue.

Mark, you do this every time. Thank you, Joseph, for being a patriot. That was fast. Joseph Patriot. I like that song. Keep it going. We're right in the hole there. Oh, they got a Michael Jackson one.

Ooh. Yes. Come on, man. This is for Santa and the troops. He's cute. Hold on. Think about Santa. Jackson one. Ooh. Yes. Come on, man. This is for Santa and the troops. He's cute. Hold on. Think about Santa. Hurry up.

Go. Wait. Wait for the hook. Mark. I got him. Damn. It's so cold. So cold. No, it's fun.

Look at that guy. Tony Hinchcliffe had the best Michael Jackson joke of all time. Let's hear it. Michael Jackson goes, he goes, Michael Jackson was, keep it going. If Michael Jackson is gay, then so am I. You think he's gay? No. He goes, Michael Jackson was so good that when Beat It comes on, you're like, I don't

give a fuck about those kids. It was that good. They still play his music. If he had a vote, a worldwide vote, what are the odds that he was a pedophile? kids it was that good they still play his music he's dead 50% easily above those are talented but dude those songs are so good he was so good god damn it he was good I'll be honest dude I don't know how many boys bought see fucking room but I bet it was worth it when it comes to how good the music was. I think he was chemically castrated.

I think he was chemically castrated. That's what his doctor said. Fire. The doctor that went to jail for... J-Mo. The doctor who gave him propanol, the doctor who gave him anesthesia and put him under and he went up dying. That doctor went to

jail. Five McCartney, I got it, I got it, I got it. You've been such a bastard today. Here we go. You've been so nasty.

This is a good tune. Drop coming. Can we get DMX? Hold on. Pause. Wait, wait, wait. Pause. We're going to do

DMX next. Let me get this one. Okay, get that in there. Hold on. Having a wonderful Christmas time. That's a great tune. See, he made it his own. That's the key.

Shane! I'm going to be struggling to walk. Bro, Shane. Bro, Kill Tony's going to be a disaster. It's going to be a disaster. I'm going to be like Mitch McConnell up there. We're going to let these motherfuckers know. All right.

Here we go. Boom, boom. I don't know this one. He's trying to visit his grandmother in the hospital. They're like, do a song first. Really? Do you recall the most famous reindeer of all? Come on. this one. He's trying to visit his grandmother in the hospital. They're like, do a song for us. Really? In real life, it's toxic. Gilbert Gottfried.

Where is he? He's gone. Yeah, J-Mo. I don't know about this. He's got to edit this. This is nine years old. Nah, fuck Jamie. Drink. Good job.

Forever. Are they Jewish Hanukkah songs? Do you have Netanyahu doing a thing? Not yet, yeah. What's the guy's name? When Anderson Silva was in his prime and he was about to fight, he would come out to DMX. he knows sunshine when she's gone boom boom boom and the lights would come on and we see anderson walking into the ring like oh my god someone's about to get executed watch this put that up there watch this when anderson

silver comes into the octagon it's like mouth top. Dude, you got to realize this is like when Anderson Silva was in the Matrix. He was the number one. He's in the argument in my mind as one of the best ever. Pound for pound. Come on. The music comes out. Where is this? Toshan, when she's gone.

I mean. I might have been on this one. Every time. Is that Bill Withers? Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. He's a Brazilian guy.

Bill Withers? Silva. Oh, of course. Yeah. I was like, are you teaching me something? Yeah. And he would walk out there, but everybody was like, oh my God, someone's going to get nuked. What's so crazy about fighting is like Israel Asani beat him up, and then Sean Strickland.

Israel Asani decisioned him. Barely. He decisioned him. No,anya decisioned him. Barely. He decisioned him. No, he decisioned him. I thought he won that one. It was good. It was a really good fight but Israel was better.

He was younger. He's better. He's more efficient. I wouldn't say beat him up. But that was his hero. 100%. That's the crazy part. It's everybody's hero.

Anderson just fought too long. But if he didn't fight too long he'd be no questions asked. The guy. They all do, brother. They all do. After all Christmas after he broke his legs right it's Christmas the leg break the leg break was my break was it all right once you come out with me and pee I'm like what's going out of water for fuck then now it's just me more good we can have fun. I bet we can.

I didn't know we could go pee like that. I just ruined that picture. You can pee whenever you want. Yeah, and I want to leave. No, it's good. What are you thinking about? Well, we're the only people who like Napoleon. It got horrible reviews.

I love Napoleon. I loved it. I thought it was good. Rid loved it. Thought it was good. Ridley Scott still got it, 85. Ridley Scott has, he's my favorite. He's good. Gladiator? Yeah. Ooh,

when Napoleon, it's a true quote, the part where he says, I found the crown in the gutter and I picked it up with my sword and put it on my own head. Yeah! I mean, god damn, if you don't like that. Real quote. Yeah. And the part, you know when him and his dumbass brother are in there and Congress is beating their ass?

Yeah. Throw him outside and his brother points a sword at him and he goes, if Napoleon's lying, I'll kill him. And they both look at each other like. Yeah. It's true. Oh, really? I mean, the quote's true, and that's probably how they... I mean, they're humans.

Yeah. It's probably how they actually did it. Probably. It's like, oh, shit. I don't know. Yeah, fuck it. Yeah. They gave a lot of attention to the wife. Josephine. Josephine. But I guess he was obsessed with her. Yeah, I mean, that was his babe, dude.

And that was his last words. But the book I read said, and read, I mean, listened. Audio. Yeah. I'm not pretending to be smart. That counts. They said all the, like, cuck shit, that was a lot of British propaganda. Oh, really?

Yeah. Also, all the height stuff. He's got Napoleon syndrome. Everyone was that tall. Yeah, he was that tall. And then he was always around Grenadiers, who were all French Grenadiers at the time, were all the big dogs. Yeah.

So he was an average height, surrounded by, yeah, whatever. Hey, so I got to see this movie. All right. What's your guys' favorite Christmas gift? And we're back. Also, how's the new material coming? Me? Because you put the special out, and now you're back on the road.

I just want to talk about O.S. Piss. Not good. Really? No, it's fun. Well, it's hard. You put out a special, you work on this. It's hard. It's always fun. The new shit is very funny. Well, it's hard. You put out a special, you work on this. It's hard. It's always fun.

The new shit is very funny. All right. Thank you. It's very, very funny. I was high on the other night. It was very, very funny. Thank you, Joe. It is interesting where you're like, hey, fuck, I don't know what to do.

And then you're like, oh, right, Shane, Mark, Joe, everybody's like, oh, I'm actually really a comic. Yeah, you know what it is? It's hard to write new shit. If you don't have that fucking weird thing where you're like, I don't know what I'm going to talk about next. It's the best feeling in the world. It's the best feeling. And then you have a joke.

Yeah, you don't want to feel. It's like you haven't been cold plunging with Shane and I. You don't know what it's like. You don't know what it's like to suffer. I do love, for real, when it comes to stand-up, the best feeling is, oh, fuck. Yeah. How's this gonna go? Right! You know?

There's a weird moment where you're like, I'm about to do a new bit. Should I do it? Yeah. Should I pussy out? That is nice. Yeah, but then you're like, the failure is doing an old bit. Now, the worst part is, while you're up there and you're like, I'm not doing good, I got to do good. Here's this next joke that I know is good.

Yeah. And you don't have anything else. You're up there like, oh, shit. If you guys didn't like that one, get ready. Get ready for another shitty one. There's nothing but shit. Oh, we like this guy. He's good.

And you have nothing. And they're like, oh, maybe he's not good. No. Here's the thing And you have nothing. And you're like. And they're like, oh, maybe he's not good. Here's the thing. No. Here's the thing that's real about that. If you think it's nothing, they think it's nothing. What do you mean nothing? If you think it's nothing.

Like what you're talking about is nonsense. It's nothing to them too. But if you're really genuinely engaged. Here's what I was thinking. What you're talking about. You could talk about almost anything. Yeah. And it's just like

a numbers thing. You have to be closer enough to that frequency when you connect with the whole crowd with the least amount of resistance. Well, they're all on your side. You're engaged with them. You're engaged with them. They know this is

a good faith show. You're trying to find out what's funny. You're not terrified. You're engaged with them. They know this is a good faith show. You're trying to find out what's funny. And you're not terrified. You're engaged. And you're all locked in together. But that's why it's a numbers thing, too. You can't do that with more than 400 people. You get to

400, 500, 600. There's too many people. You don't lock them in. Too many people. That's kind of exactly what I'm running into. That's where I'm at. They buy a ticket. I feel bad. But I was explaining to Ari last night there's something uniquely intimate about arenas too.

What? Yes. But John Denver, if he said if I had one show left to do in the world, it would be at Red Rocks. And that's John Denver. He's a massive guy. It's 9,000 people, Ari. Yeah, he loves that place though. That's an amazing place, but it's also 9,000 people. It is big. He's a massive guy. It's 9,000 people already. Yeah, he loves that place though. That's an amazing place, but it's also 9,000 people. It is big. He's a musician though.

But it's like, if you had one show left to do, where would you do it? Well, he's a famous singer. I'm saying you. If you had one show left to do, that's it. You're done forever. Where would you do the show? I'd go back to the main room of the store. Okay. Well, I mean, it's different with stand-up. Where would you be? Anywhere?

Master of Arts and Play? No, no. Music's like something spiritual. I know. I'm saying you. Stand-up's like, alright, it's different with stand-up. Where would you be? Anywhere. You mess around. No, no. Music's like something spiritual. I know. I'm saying you. Stand-up's like, all right, here's my bullshit bid. I got to get to my clothes. Yeah. Where would you be? MSG's in play.

You know what, though? But hold up. Hold up. Hold up. Helium. Okay, great. You grew up there. When you're saying that, it's bullshit for you because it has to be bullshit for you

to be so good at it. If you thought it was super important, god damn it, it wouldn't work. Yeah, then you'd suck. It wouldn't work. You've got to work out. But where would you do it? But it's not the same mindset. If you thought it was super important for the world to hear your bit about your niece.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, exactly. About anything, about any fucking thing. It's not. Yeah, exactly. About anything. About any fucking thing. It's not, but it is. But it is. But you can't think it is. How about this? You're gone.

You're dead. You're in heaven. What would you have performed more? What place would it be? Me? It could be main room. Zero places. I have zero regrets. Not regrets, but like, Yeah, it could be main room. Me, it'd probably be comedy works. Zero places. No. I have zero regrets. Not regrets, but like, I should do more shows there.

Zero. It's not about where. No, last one. I've been able to do that, but I've been able to go wherever the fuck I want for a long time. I've been able to go wherever the fuck I want for a long time. I've been able to decide, I want to do the ice house. I want to do the store. Yeah, but you got one left.

You got one left. Where's it going to be? Somebody goes, this is it. Main room, store. Yeah? Main room, store. I'm OR store probably.

Really? Main room, store. Of all the places. OR store's my spot. 100%. Yeah. Comedy works is two. Just for also for like,

that place is fucked. What? The place is fucked. No, it's not. It's not a great spot. No, it's not. It's a great spot. No, listen to me. Not the store. Listen to me.

Listen to me. Not the store. You little pussy. Los Angeles is fucked. It's great. It's about to be a rebirth. It's about to be a rebirth. Everybody's gone.

It's about to be a rebirth of artistic integrity instead of fame and fucking fortune. Or Babylon. It's about to be a re- What? Or Babylon. Or complete dissolving of civilization. It might be great. It's going to be great.

But it also might be like every other failed civilization. New York seems great. New York's awesome. Yeah, you think? Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, late night at the Cellar is the best. It's pretty great. There are pieces of shit in the audience. There are degenerate drug addicts.

They're out at 1 a.m. having a good time on a Monday. And the city's fucked. It's just bail reform, homeless, subway stabbings. As soon as you leave the cellar, there will be crackouts outside the meet-up. Bro, there's 13 million illegal immigrants there.

It's great. It's great. What a great place to do stand-up comedy. Yeah, they need it. They need a laugh. They see all the craziness. Just McDougal Street is bananas now. That exact block. But don't you ever wonder if any of this chaos, any of this

degeneration of society is engineered. Weekends suck. That's what I worry about. I worry if it's engineered. What do you mean? The degeneration of society, the fucking open of the borders, the chaos in the streets, the fucking letting people out immediately after they commit violent crimes. How much of this is like- But what?

What's there to gain from doing that? Collapse society. Yeah, that's what it is. Another country going- Jamie, play Van Halen. Panama. Jamie, play- Panama! Play Panama. Yeah, that's all we. Jamie, play Van Halen. Panama. Jamie, play

Panama. Yeah, that's all we need, dude. All we need is to drink a little beer. What's another song better than Panama? How come Jamie never drinks on podcasts? He did a couple shows. I didn't see any of them, though. Bro, David Lee Roth. David Lee Roth's on the wildest guest

I've ever had in here. You had him in here? Oh, my goodness. Remember when we talked to him at the store? He's an animal. Yeah. Diamond Dave. We were at the store. This wasn't Joe Rogan now.

This is Joe Rogan like, I'm lucky to meet this guy. A hundred percent. And he was like, tell us stories. He was like, I fucked a mom and a daughter once. Like, what? Dude. What? Is that right?

I don't remember that, but it was in the front patio. What is this? Oh, here it is. Panama. Give me some volume. Fire it up. Fire it up, dude. You don't remember that, but it was in the front patio. What is this? Oh, here it is. Panama. Give me some volume. Fire it up. Look at the little boom box. You don't understand.

You don't think America's number one, dude? When I was in high school, my sister's boyfriend had a fucking license plate. You got cucked. That's my sister's boyfriend. I don't know. Mom, not me. Wait, you have a sister? I have a sister.

His license plate said Van Halen. Beast. Beast. Beast. Really? When he pulled up, you were like, beast. Yeah, bro, he was the man. Was it a van?

He was the man. I don't know. I think he had a Cutlass. I forget what he had. No, it was an Oldsmobile. One of my sister's boyfriends got me an Austin 316 t-shirt. And I was like, I hope you guys get married, dude. Wait a minute.

Is he Jewish? Yeah. Yeah. One for the team. He's the fucking man. He's a good dude. One time I went to dinner with him and Bruce Buffer. Me, him, Bruce Buffer, and a bunch of my other friends.

That's a crew. He has a handler. Bruce Buffer's nuts, him, Bruce Buffer, and a bunch of my other friends. Damn, that's a crew. He has a handler. Bruce Buffer's nuts. Listen to me. David Lee Roth doesn't even have a phone number. He has a handler. So I have to call, I have to communicate with David Lee Roth's lady. And David Lee Roth is like, make sure, you know, he's like,

he doesn't carry a wallet. She's like, make sure he's okay. I go, I got him. I go, I'm going to take care of him. I go, if you have any problems, text me. I'll text you if there's any issues. How's he doing now? He's awesome. That's nice to hear.

That dude lives in Pasadena, rides his bike to the grocery store. He's living life. Bro, he lived in Japan for two years learning kendo, and he just lived with his dog by himself. Wow. He was like the legit David Lee Roth from Van Halen. He lived in Japan. He's the man.

Wow. You know he's all covered in tattoos? No. Fully sleeved. Well, it can't be better than your cemetery as well. He has tattoo care products. What? Yeah, he does.

Yeah, he does. Good for him. What are they called, Jamie? He's got to be. Hey, do you put extra sunblock on yours? Yeah, I do. Extra. Yeah, I don't want to fuck him up.

Yeah, me too. Me too. Ain't talking about love. Oh, yeah. Just the beginning. Ain't talking about love. Whoa, wait a minute. Ain't talking about love.

There he is. Yeah, there's his tattoos. He still looks pretty good. He's in shape. Oh, he's in very good shape talking about love? There he is. Yeah, there's his tattoos. He still looks pretty good. He's in shape. Oh, he's in very good shape. But all those tattoos. Wow. Look at his back.

All those tattoos are done traditional Japanese style. Tommy Lee Roth. Like tapping. They tap. So it's not like with a gun. Like we're like. It's like way more painful. So Indonesia under the sky goes Goes I want a I want a

Bamboo tattoo Ink the original The original Is that what it's called Ink the original But he gave me a bunch of it He gave me a bunch of it It's really good stuff

He's a really nice guy I really like him a lot And me and him And Bruce Buffer At dinner It was fucking amazing Wow Bunch of other people

I can't remember Who the fuck else was there. But I remember I was like, this is the most amazing thing I've ever brought together. Bruce Buffer, David Lee Braun, and me. We're all just getting hammered. Wow. And just eating steaks. Wait, this reminded me.

One time, me and you were going to a movie at Universal. Oh, man, you're done. And we got to the parking lot, and then we just ran in randomly to Ron Jeremy. No way. And then we're talking to Ron Jeremy, and Mr. Belding showed up. David Haskins? From Saved by the Bell. No way you know that guy's name.

Pull it up. From Saved by the Bell. Taskings? Is this a dream you were having? Oh, no, dude. This is real. Universal? Universal, like that parking lot.

Mr. Belding from Saved by the Bell. Okay. Ron Jeremy, you know. You might not know who Mr. Belding was, but he was on a major sitcom. Okay. Saved by the Bell. And we all just started talking. It was like, I was a young guy.

I was like, what the fuck is going on here? When I met Ari, Ari was the door guy. Door guy. Yes. I remember him. Come on. Ari, how old were you when I met you? I don't know.

11. My wife's name. For real. In real years, 11. Were you like 25? 25, maybe. Yeah. But I was unfulfilled.

I'm going to tell you something about Ari. I met him, and the first time me and Ari had a legitimate conversation, we were in the parking lot of the store, where the back area was. I'm like, who is this motherfucker? I don't remember what he said, but I just remember, oh, this is the amazing racist. This dude is sharp. I'm like, this dude is wild. What the fuck are you on?

First time I met Ari was at JFL. You were walking out. You threw me a bag of mushrooms. I was doing new faces at JFL. He was doing what God had booked on SNL. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, bro, great. Do what you do.

Take these also. Yeah, he tossed me a bag of mushrooms. And that was the first time I ever did mushrooms. And boy, that was a trip. You didn't know before that? No. I gave Shane enough for the party. But Shane was like, is this enough brushers for me?

I was like, I assumed you knew. That was for the whole party. I had a bag. A whole bag. It was at least a quarter, maybe more. A Ziploc bag. It was a quarter in grams. Do we have any mushrooms, by the way?

It was four grams. Are there any here? It was at least four doses. Seven grams. It was a lot. It was at least four doses. Seven grams. It was a lot. It was at least four doses. But I assumed he knew.

Seven grams. This is for everybody. It's like, I'm going to give you this bottle. I've been there, Joe. What's that song, Don't Pay the Ferryman? You know that song? That was fun. Jamie. Pull up Don't Pay the Ferryman.

You're the bro. I'm in front of the Hyatt. You're the bro. This is a song you eat when you hit seven. Hey, mama. When you hit seven grams. When you hit seven grams. Hold on. We ain't talking about love.

First of this. We're talking about love. Give me some vodka. You coward, Jamie. Jamie, Jamie. You're a coward, buddy. Kristen Berg. That's the guy from the other video.

That's the guy from the other picture. That's a vampire. I've never heard this song in my life. You know what I listened to? Have I? He gave me those. I listened never heard this song in my life. You know what I listened to? Have I? He gave me those. I listened to the... Not Interstellar.

I listened to... I don't know. Fuck it. Who cares? If you're on 7 grams, this song starts playing. What is this? Sounds like it's seriously. I have a good time.

This is going to be Ari in 10 years. It's a terrible song from like 1982. Ain't talking about love. It's time. Ain't talking about love, dude. Who's shocking? I don't know this tune. Who's good?

Hold on. Keep this playing a little bit. I need the hook. It's not going anywhere. Jamie's got some tabs open. This might be the longest podcast we've ever done. No, last one was five hours.

We've been off for 20 minutes. We've got another 20 minutes. Easy. Easy. I think we've been on for four hours. No. No. That's time think you've been on for four hours. No, no. That's time.

Time to begin our self. I'm not trying to stop it. We started at 520. It's been two hours even. No, no, no. We started at 520. We started at 320. That's my phone.

Oh, that's your phone. That's how fucked up we are. Where's the goddamn shrooms? We usually have shrooms on the table. Allegedly. No, you the table. Allegedly. No, you're crazy. Allegedly. You're crazy.

Please respect the federal government. Sorry. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. This is 2015 remastered. Hey, 27 million views on this puppy. Yeah, well, you guys each got 10 million.

By the way, we did Stairway to Heaven last time or whatever that was. Freebird, bro. Freebird. I got so much shit for talking during it. Did you throw a dreidel at my head? Listen, Mark Norman. Listen to me, Mark Norman. Listen to me.

Stop reading the comments. That's okay. A dreidel, bro. No, I didn't say what Dray said. Hold on. Flock of Seagulls has 161 million views. Which song? Iran.

That's a good song. That's a good fucking song. Bad country. Good song. Guys, I care about you guys. I care about you guys, too. I get told. You know what hurts me?

Guys, I beat off two guys every night. You know what hurts me the most? What? Is I get so excited when you guys. I care about you guys, too. I get told. You know what hurts me? Guys, I beat off two guys every night. You know what hurts me the most? What? Is I get so excited when you guys come here. I do. Actually, before I even lived here. How quick do you got to hear? Well, listen.

We got two of us living here. What are you two other pussies doing? I know. In some other bullshit ass state. Wait till they're going to start making a little bit of bread. You can be here at the club. I'm thinking about buying more clubs. Shut up.

Around the country? No, right here. Let's go. You gotta hate running a club. I love it. He doesn't seem to mind. I'm having a good time. I'm trying to make it a wonderful place for us all to thrive.

It is great. You're at the mothership and you're like, I'm about to go on. Hey, I'm trying to make it a wonderful place for us all to thrive. It is great. You're at the mothership, and you're like, I'm about to go on. Hey, I'm thirsty. Eight bottles of water coming at you from every direction. And then there's Terry Blacks, there's sushi, there's crowds. Well, last night for sure. I wish I had enjoyed it. I was on another fucking planet.

Great holiday party. Yeah, you were on acid. I was flying. Yeah. Allegedly. I was holding on to a hell of own pants, hurling through this dimension. It was nice, though. It was nice.

Joe took acid and was like being nice. Yeah, you were all good. Joe was being nice. He's usually a real cocksucker, unsupportive in every way. I try to be extra nice. If I do anything, even if I get a little drunk, I try to be extra nice. Rod White acid. That's all I want to do. I just want to be extra nice I'll tell you what

Watching the Eagles lose to the Cowboys Sitting next to Ron White Still not the guy You gotta prove it in the playoffs Ron White's a good egg He's the best Full shaman mode We were talking last night about doing a commercial

For his tequila. Should do it. Yeah, we should do some commercials. I told him, I go, Ron White, I'll do commercials for your tequila for free. I saw in New Orleans, I saw Big Freedia doing an ad for a local lawyer. Nice, Mark. Hey, hey. He's figuring it out.

Comedy. Yeah, but I was like, Ron White's tequila is like really solid. It's really good. Good tequila. In fact, I'm going to. Write a sketch about Ron White's tequila. We'll solid. It's really good. Good tequila. In fact, I'm going to. Write a sketch about Ron White's tequila. We'll shoot it. I've learned it.

Do a YouTube video. I got it now. Can you do just a YouTube video if you're not even getting paid for it? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, why not? Just do it for free. You probably have to go through some hoops and ladders if you want to do it. No, you just do it.

But if you want to do an actual ad? Yeah, you don't have to do that. Just do it. Let's do it for free just because we love them. Yeah. And it's also, if you like tequila, it's really good. All right. You all right?

Load it up. Bodega Cat. Who's next? Bodega Cat on sale. Bodega Cat. The problem is like, Shane can bury us all. No. That's an extraordinary number of Bud Lights.

That might be more Bud Lights sold than in any geographic block since Kid Rock shot them cans. Oh, almost. We're back, baby. If you had to think about how many Bud Lights have been drank in this square, this room. Yeah, oh, this room has a lot. Since Kid Rock shot those cans, I think we win. It's getting cold in here. No, it's not a lot. I think we win. Since Kid Rock shot those cans, I think we win. It's getting cold in here. No, it's not, pussy.

Shut the fuck up. You need to get in that goddamn cold plunger, man. You said that? You guys doing a show? Cold plunge. No, thank you. Jamie. No, I was asking, do they have a show to do tonight?

No, we don't. In a half hour. Jamie, Jamie, Jamie. I knew you were going to be a buzzkill, dude, trying to run the show. Jamie's so nasty, dude. People don't know. Shane's got a good point about Jamie. Jamie, Jamie. I knew you were going to be a buzzkill, dude. Try to run the show. Jamie, Jamie, Jamie. Jamie's so nasty, dude. People don't know. Shane's got a good point about Jamie. Jamie, you kid fucker.

Relax. There we go. Listen, we can make Tony Hinchcliffe sweat. Yeah. He sweats cold. I love how he texts like, how are you guys doing? Let me know the updates. They're like, shit.

Yeah, there's no updates, bitch. The best was Ric Flair with Louis and Zach Amico in the little backdrop. I'm like, what are we doing here? Ric Flair, that was a lot of editing. He talked about Asian pussy for half an hour. And then he gets mad at us for making a joke about an open mic-er. If anybody knows what I stand for, it's not for wasting people's time. That's what you are, Ric Flair?

Yeah, yeah. Listen, in all fairness, Ric Flair? Yeah, yeah. Listen, in all fairness, the dude is like going from- Legend. Yeah. Also, don't- What are you doing? What did you do? I farted.

It was silent. I thought it would get louder. SBD. I was like, why is he going over here to fart? I was trying to get my ass to the mic. Got a mark? Comes from a different time. Yeah.

He comes from like Porky's. Remember that movie? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, listen, I threw a peephole. I from, like, Porky's. Remember that movie? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, those new people. I threw a peephole. I jacked off to Porky's. Me too. Same.

Just the anti-Semitic through line. That was hard. You know, like, you gotta realize, like, you can't expect everybody to completely catch up. Yeah. He's a drunk wrestler. You gotta give people a little bit of flexibility. You gotta give them some leeway.

Just be a nice person, but have different opinions. That's inclusive. That's okay. That's real inclusiveness, right? Right. Be a nice person. Be nice to people, but like, hey, go, hey, maybe some of these people are fucking crazy. Yeah. And like, not be a Nazi

because of that. What are you doing? You lighting things on fire? Go behind the... Dude, Christmas rules. Because of that what are you doing you lighting things on fire? Go behind behind the Christmas Christmas Christmas oh yeah To new religions all the time we'll take you right in Let's all join together It's unfortunately was the Mormon Mormon That's South Park. Roman Catholic. Listen, I think Scientology is our way.

Buddhist, bro. It's obviously Buddhist. It's obviously Buddhist. They've been super solid with Tom Cruise. I think we can get a good deal. I was about to pour some water, but I realized it's all piss. Jesus Christ. That's the dream. Who would piss in a little forget?

Jesus Christ. You got to be jealous of Christmas, though, you guys. Obviously. Come on. Obviously. It's a hell of Christmas, though, you guys. Obviously. Come on. Obviously. It's a hell of a holiday. It's the best holiday. The best.

We did it. Obviously. Catholics did it again. Christians in general, yes. Obviously not Catholics. Christians in general, yes. If you want to look at all human interactions as being like some gigantic fucking thing designed to move us in a certain direction.

How crazy is it that Israel exists surrounded by Islamic states? Yeah, I guess it is crazy. It is crazy. It's fucking insane. Maybe it shouldn't even fucking be there. Oh, yeah. Maybe they should let them all kill each other. Common enemy.

You have a dome built to stop rockets. Yep. That's crazy. That's crazy. You have to build that. And we funded it. Yeah. Common enemy. You have a dome built to stop rockets. Yep. That's crazy. That's crazy. You have to build that. And we funded it. Yeah. Allegedly.

Hey, remember Jordan has no voting rights of Palestinians or the majority? That's crazy, huh? Woo! Huh, liberal college students? Let's bong a couple beers and then talk Israel-Palestine. Yeah. Bro, the funny shit. The funny shit.

China. There's queers for Palestine. Say things that's fake. And then Palestine for queers. That's not real. No, it's a meme, but it's just people being funny. No, no, it's real. But there's 100% people that have said queers for Palestine.

They've said it. They put it on a sign. They just haven't thought it through. But the funniest thing is the memes. Like, fucking queers for Palestine and then Palestine throwing people off roofs. Like it's so funny because it just like it so signifies like this crazy state of complete chaos. Chaos. You have to realize like if you and I, you and I are the oldest people here.

I'm the oldest. Yeah. Well, you're the oldest. We. Aren't you the oldest? I'm bottom three oldest. Oh, shit. It's my birthday

he's 100% more he's biologically the oldest here for Moses but the most important thing is like no one knows what the fuck is going on no one zero people and if you don't admit that then you're a part of the problem

this whole thing is nuts remember how Palestine executed two Palestinians in West Bank fucking a week ago? Is that right? Open air fucking just executed two fucking Palestinians.

Palestine did that? Yeah, crazy. For what reason? One Ethiopian, one fucking, I don't know, two Palestinians. What did they do?

I don't know. We execute Americans. Oh yeah, sure. Yeah, but you gotta do wild shit. Way to say, oh, that wasn't wrong. Oh. yeah, sure. Yeah, but you got to do wild shit. Way to say, oh, that wasn't wrong. What are you working for, Harvard? Shane Gillis? Shane, you working for UPenn, you piece of shit?

All right, free Palestine. Free Palestine. Who the fuck is that guy? I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to move to the UK and just start talking shit. That was the best.

Who the fuck is that? I'm going to move to the UK and just start talking shit about America. That's the best. America is number one. Ireland's going at it. They've been fighting like crazy. Ireland's always been free Palestine. Yeah, they relate to Palestine.

They relate the most to them. What? Where they're like, hey, we've been fucking taken by other people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, don't go over there now. No, Ireland rules. Jew face. Ireland's number one.

Ireland's fine. I'm just saying. Jesus Christ. You are the most Jewish-looking guy of all time. Yeah, propaganda face. And the beard ain't helping there. Who's more Jewish-looking than Ari? There's got to be people.

What's his name? The Jewish guy from the cellar? The what? Dan Aderman? No, no, no. That's who I'm talking about. Like famous people. That's who I'm talking about.

Dan Aderman versus me. He looks more Jew-y, but I'm bigger. Who's like more famous? Gargamel. Who the fuck is Gargamel? He's the smurf guy. But he was clear. Pull him up, J-Mo.

He's a clear anti-Semitic Jewish cartoon. Side by side. Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. Gargamel versus me. I haven't thought about Gargamel since I was a fucking Jewish villain. Oh, my God. It's so insane.

Let's do it. Oh, my God. That's so insane. And he's killing the Smurfs. Someone will do it. You can't ask Jamie to do it. That's too much work. He can do it.

Someone will do it. You get it. You put it on Instagram. You're going to be fine. I already did it. You already did it. Oh, my God. I already did it. I. All right, here we go. You're going to be fine. I already did it. You already did it. Oh, my God. I already did it.

I'm actually good at my job. That's why I make over $45,000 a year. Oh, my God. You gargamel with stupid shoes. Go see Ari at the company works. Those are Denny Brown shoes. That's what Denny Brown wears on stage, those shoes. Oh, my God.

I don't know about you guys, but I'm done for. Done. I'm pretty banged up myself. Hey, let's go ruin Tony's dream. Hey, he's doing arenas now with this shit. That's crazy. What's really important is you interrupt him every time he tries to talk. Yeah.

Tony, you know what sucks? That's what I was about to say. If Tony had a fucking nuclear missile. Yeah. He could destroy the universe. He's Kim Jong-un. He would fucking hit it. He would, dude.

He would fucking interrupt him three times. Enough! He would fucking hit it. I didn't mean it that way. He would hit it. All right. I think we can save the world. Yeah, how's that, Joe? With more of these kind of conversations. That would help. would hit it. All right. I think we can save the world. Yeah.

How's that, Joe? With more of these kind of conversations. That would help. I know it sounds ridiculous, but if four people can get along like this and have a good time, why can't 400 billion? Instead of focusing on the negatives, forget all that. Focus on the positives. Try to have a good time.

Just try. Think about how sick America is. Try. America's the sickest. Think about the best ways. Don't be like, what about this? Forget that. What about the good ways? We are the world, Jamie. Thank you. We are the current generation that is the furthest along

in the journey of escaping the barbarism of history. We have tried to figure out the best possible path to a beautiful, free, and equitable society. And yes, there have been mistakes made along the way. But if we can continue to all have the mentality to move into a path that's better for everyone. There you go.

Criss Angel. We can make a better world. Look at Paul Simon. Sing it, Kenny Rogers! Oh, that's it, yeah. How tall is Kenny Rogers? 500 feet tall! No, I'm dead.

He's taller than the Empire State Building. You can't, brother. Oh, there's Tina Turner! Can you be the angel? Looking good! Look at Billy Joel. Young Billy Joel. Don't, dude. Hold on. Not my sweet angel good. Look at Billy Joel. Young Billy Joel. Don't.

Hold on, sweet angel. Look at young Billy Joel. Oh, yeah. That's Captain Jack. I saw him at a concert. He was still kind of drunk. People forgot how good Billy Joel was. I've seen him at concerts.

You know what happened to Billy Joel? Billy Joel, he got a hundred hits. Oh, my God. He's got so many hits. But the young Billy Joel, like Piano Man? Yeah. He was fun. Captain Jack, boys, we gotta wrap this up.

You can't trick out of that. Why not? You eat cancer. It's from China. You eat cancer. That's not... This is anti-American. Oh, you fucking Jew.

You can't do this. That's actually a good point. Captain Jack. I've seen that with Ice Clay. That's actually a good point. Captain Jack. I've seen that with Ice Clay. It's like a skit they did. I'd like to say one thing. Clay, Captain Jack. Let's wrap this up.

I'm here for America. I think Danny Brown and Billy Strings should do a duet together. That's the only thing I want to promote in the world. Hold on, hold on. Who? Billy Strings and Danny Brown. I think if they did a duet together, it would be the number one hit in America. What makes you think that, Ari?

Because Billy Strings rules and Danny Brown rules. And I think there's opposite fucking genres. And I think if they got together, no one would be against it. Give me some music, Jeremy. Billy Strings, Danny Brown. Who's Billy Strings? Billy Strings fucking rules, dude! Tug that, coward.

You're drinking out of the bottom of an angel. Oh, Billy Strings. Lollapalooza. Oh, look at it pouring down his nasty beard. That beard smells like jizz. Oh, my God. You already had the hair on the strings. String theory.

They rule! Get it together, boys! Do something good for society! Get that clip. Yeah. We're going to end with this, ladies and gentlemen. This has been Protect Our Parks 10. We are dedicated and focused on the improvement of humanity.

The improvement in the way human beings communicate with each other and how we move forward. Well, that's part of the problem. In this time of chaos. You can't discuss. Shut up. You can't discuss. Sorry. Shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up. We don't discuss things. Shut the fuck up. True. You know, you go, what gender? And they go, I'll kill you. Shut up. Can't we just talk about it?

Shut the fuck up. All right. Well, tickle me, Elmo. It's a hot item. Fuck. Hold on. Keep that song rolling. This might be the worst one.

Put those headphones where I got them. This is the best one we've ever done. Dude, Billy's drinks fucking rules. Sorry. Wow, Billy Joel looks weird. Listen to me. Oh, this is not Billy's drinks at all. That's terrifying

Didn't he drive through a couple playgrounds? Pornographic magazine He's a real booze bag Bro, he was a bad motherfucker back in the day You don't understand He still puts on a good show Give me some volume Here we go, hear it

Captain Jack will get you high tonight Oh, that is a good tune Just to take you to your special island Captain Jack will get you high tonight. Oh, that is a good tune. Take it to your special island. This is a fucking jam, son. Captain Jack will get you high tonight. Banging Elvick Pearson. Yeah, crazy. Just a little push.

Hopefully, man, fuck the hottest chicks in the world. He's like 5'5". Ladies and gentlemen, this is the end of Protect Our Parks 10. No, there's got to be 11. Mark Norman. We have no idea of the number. Shane Gillis, Ari Shaffir, and Joe Rogan signing off. We love you.

Most importantly, we love America. We would like the whole world to be America. You'll be safer and happier. Everybody's trying to move here. We're going to start with Canada. People like coming here.

We love you. We love everybody. Goodbye. Thank you.