The Joe Rogan Experience - #209 - Eddie Ifft

Episode Date: April 25, 2012

Joe sits down with Eddie Ifft.

The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. Nick Diaz's will always be the greatest shout out. I mean, the Rory McDonald one, people were criticizing it. I'm like, you're crazy, bitch. That's Rory McDonald talking about my podcast. That must stay in. But Nick Diaz just nailed it.

Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night. I always wondered who that was. That's Nick motherfucking Diaz, dude. My favorite fighter to ever test positive for weed. What a good guy. Wait, they test for weed? Fucking so stupid. Not only that, he didn't even really test positive for weed.

He tested positive for an inactive metabolite. It's not a psychoactive. It's evidence that some cannabis has been in this system, but it's not evidence of marijuana. It's evidence of an inactive metabolite. That's all it is. So you could have taken this inactive metabolite, which isn't even prevented or prohibited

by the Nevada State Athletic Commission. So it didn't matter. Because it's also, besides the possibility of taking it that way, you could also get it from... No, no way, you can also get it from marijuana. It's not a masking issue. I think it's a flushing issue. I don't think you can mask marijuana. I'm sure out there there's someone that can tell me wrong.

But I'm saying that's not a performance-enhancing drug. Well, it's somehow or another what they're saying, I believe, if I understand the legal language, I think what they're saying is that the metabolite shows that he has had it in his system. But what's really crazy is it's so stupid because they know he's a patient. He's a medical marijuana patient in California. And if you don't know that Nick Diaz smokes weed, Jesus Christ, are you paying attention at all? You don't know he smokes weed.

So what? is Christ. Are you paying attention at all? You don't know he smokes weed. So what? It's okay if he stops 13 days, but not 12, 11 days, but not 10, nine days, but not eight. Shut the fuck up. It's fucking stupid. You know why? Because what you're talking about is not him being high inside the octagon. The psychoactive effects of marijuana don't exist when he's in that octagon with those levels. It's impossible. So he's 100% sober 100 sober that should be the question you know he was taking it before that because he's got a card so when is it where's this logical cutoff that's crazy like the the hgh thing you know the nfl's trying to good luck yeah it's so fucking i've been reading so much about it because i do a podcast called wadcast about crossFit. Oh, do you?

A CrossFit place just opened up like 10 miles away from me. They're opening in fucking bathrooms at Starbucks. They're everywhere. But they say they tested the games. And like 68,000 people tried out for the games this year. Right. And these guys, like if you look at the guys that are the top CrossFitters, some people say they don't use.

Some people say they could. I'm not here to say if they do or don't, but they're doing like four and five workouts a day. They're just insane. They're inhuman. And just the recovery rate, I'm looking at going fucking HGH would be amazing. But when they test, they test the same way the nfl does which you can't you can't catch it in a urine test only like one time in the world has anyone gotten caught in an hgh urine test it was like a rugby player in the uk oh at one time one time in a urine test what do you have like

crazy levels or something yeah something was wrong was just completely but so they have this new system that they think they're going to be able to test but we we had Sean Waxman, who is the Olympic weightlifting coach. He's got Waxman's gym down by the airport. We had him on the other day and he was talking about how it's, it's, uh, it's, it's more of like a money making thing.

Like there's money being made in the, in the testing world. So there's like lobbying being done to make more testing, to make more testing so they can make more money because it's just this ridiculous like i'm a firm believer why would you prevent people from enhancing themselves like like you let people take protein supplements that's coming from a cow we're taking the way from a cow and we're eating it to make ourselves better why can't we take the the growth hormone from a cadaver and use that we don't do that at first of all we don't do that because if

you did do that by the way you can get really sick and you can get fucking mad cow disease what we were talking about earlier you can get all sorts of crazy diseases but where do i say it's a synthetic right yes it's actually made by bacteria it is bacteria yes bacteria construct it well but but it's so it's a anything that's simulated an amazing process that you and i would never figure out given a billion years and all the books in the world, you and I would still be sitting around telling fart jokes. We would never figure out how to make... You'd be a lot further ahead than I would.

Hormones out of bacteria? Oh, my God. I can't figure out how a toilet works. Isn't it amazing how some people's minds just can do that? It's a variation in the way the human mind works. It's so spectacular i tried to figure out i was watching the way they're testing to figure out how the uh the human growth hormone load the way they've got this like thing that locks on to it uh so that they can test

and i was watching over and over trying to trying to comprehend it i couldn't i'm like i'm fucking retard i can't get this in my head rick ross would have figured it out he probably would have man the real rick ross that we had on yesterday genius guy that the the uh yeah drug dealer he was a yeah until he was 28 years old he couldn't read really yeah amazing story not only did he teach himself how to read but he also taught himself the law and found loopholes in the law so he he went from being like, can't even read a book, Jack and Jill, to fucking getting himself out of a life term in prison. You know, it was one of the most amazing, I think the best podcasts,

just the story-wise, it was just amazing. And then some rappers kind of stole his identity. One rapper stole his identity. That would piss me off. Yeah, you'd think. I mean, they thought he was going to be in jail for life is what it was. He was a legend

out on the street. Like, you know, I had heard his name. So who's making more money? The rapper? I heard his name when I was living in L.A. I wasn't even living in L.A.,

rather, when I heard his name. Like, he was that legendary? Oh, yeah. He was legendary as far as, like, drug dealers in this country. You would hear him about him in news stories

and stuff when his trial was going on. So a huge, huge deal. Nationwide, it was a huge deal. How'd you guys find him? He's pretty public now? Twitter. Twitter.

He was at Rick Ross? Yeah. Or did the rapper have that? It was, no, he's Freeway Ricky on Twitter. That's what his nickname was, Freeway Ricky Ross. But he, you know,

it's really interesting to see this guy who, you know, was 20 years old to see this guy who, you know, was 20 years old in this terrible situation and sort of just kind of found his way through the system to success. And then it all came falling apart and then he built himself back up again. And now he's like a really cool dude. 007 007 That's amazing. 008 Really intense, intense story.

009 Is he pissed off about the guy stealing his identity? 0010 Fuck yeah. Yeah, he should he should be they then well we can't talk about it there's there's part of it that we can't talk about for legal issues so we'll drop it there's a there's a guy in australia i don't know if you've ever seen the movie chopper yes i have i love that fucking movie that's uh eric banna right what a crazy movie it's so crazy supposedly all true yeah i mean this guy if you haven't seen the film the guy got thrown in prison he was like a he was like a hitman kind of for drug dealers yeah he gets thrown in prison and they're gonna send them to like the the wing of the prison where the guys that want to kill him

are so instead of going there he cut his own ears off so that they put him in the crazy ward yeah and now he's got these like fucked up ears yeah but what a great idea but he's he's this crazy legendary australian the people kind of like he's he's like a folk hero almost but there was there's a guy now hot in the fuck up there's a guy who does a parody of him yeah and does a comedy show and tours to like sold out shows everywhere oh whoa and and uh and i just did his show like he does a show where he hosts it and he i did the adelaide comedy festival and i did his show it's a late night it's uh heath franklin is the guy he does chopper but he plays chopper whoa and he's in character doing stand-up and it's good

it's good it's good stand-up and then he's doing it as chopper and every joke is about like misogyny and fucking harden the fuck up and right and he's got the mustache on and the sunglasses and i said afterwards because i had heard rumors i said is has he ever contacted you and he goes yeah yeah apparently he's not very happy i go why would you fuck with a guy like that christ this is the guy who will come in you're not in your house he's crazy he's fucking crazy if you watch that movie by the way if you haven't seen it it's a great movie a really fun movie it's like you're rooting for this psychopath australia makes great like criminals fucking crime films like that they have they have a show or they had a movie called animal house watch animal house about this family oh i have that yeah yeah it's

fucking great so explain how he gets to do that if Chopper is still alive. I don't know. I said, do you have to pay him a commission? He doesn't. Nothing. And he tours and sells out shows everywhere. That seems crazy. That seems crazy. That seems like you're asking for trouble.

You should give that guy a piece. Well, I mean, I guess it's kind of the same. Well, I mean, it's like guys that do impressions. I mean, that's the way he does it, but it's a full. That's not an impression. That's why I'm just going to change my name to Louie Anderson

if I have to do anything. You don't think Louie will come down hard on your son? What are you doing? Louie will hire some interior designers to beat the shit out of you.

Louie will come down hard on your son. Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, ouch. Ouchy. Both of you. What are you saying

and why are you saying it on the internet? What? He's like spanking i always get nervous on your show because your fans are so diligent about facts oh they're too brutal they're brutal i'll get i'll get twitter's like last time i was here i was talking about grass fed meat somebody's like cows or pigs can't be grass fed they get sunburned they do that's what he said somebody that they do if you think about it there's pink pigs

he's like so they have to be under so they can't be eating grass all the time that totally makes sense yeah i would think like were they real pink like that what kind of protection from the sun is that yeah i don't know they probably get all fucked up imagine rubbing suntan lotion all over the cow yeah pig man a pig not a cow pigs are so weird because pigs are the only animal that we know of that becomes feral meaning it becomes wild almost immediately from the release from a farm and it actually physically changes shape it's real weird something their fur changes it becomes like darker and thicker and bushier and their tusks grow longer and their snout actually grows longer maybe that's how they should naturally be. But it's so weird though

that why doesn't that happen when they're domesticated? Because they're probably feeding them shitty food. I don't know if that's it, man. Somebody told me that's the best way to get rid of a body.

It's just give it to pigs and they'll... The movie Snatch. Oh, did they do it in Snatch? Yeah, remember the guy was a... He would be away and I'm like,

alright, who keeps pigs? Yeah, that guy was a great actor with those huge super Coke bottle glasses. That guy was the shit. Wasn't it in The Sopranos also? Or am I just thinking Snatch? I think it was just Snatch. It was definitely in Snatch.

Yeah, but that's a... I asked a guy once who's gotten rid of a body. I said, what's the best way to get rid of a body? And he said, go fishing. And I said, what? He goes, go fishing. Just throw them in the water? Yeah.

Like, you go far enough out in the ocean if you're lucky oh that's it you're not lucky i would not lucky that floats to shore yeah yeah you got to tie him up dexter style and a pubic hair of yours that doesn't work doesn't it but if you think about it i mean it's probably a good bet i mean there's a lot of goddamn real estate out there what how many people are buried out there how many people do you think are buried on the way to nevada oh god that crazy dirt road desert fucking those off to the side where you see like weird dirt roads through the chicken wire like what is that what's going on back there who owns that who checks that for bodies who scans that thing with a fucking metal detector looking for watches of people that got burnt up i think it's funny when they find one

remember that bodybuilder i was just about to bring that up chris titus yes didn't he try no chris titus no the comedian craig titus craig is that it what's his name no he he killed his personal assistant he and his wife because he was fucking her i think and his wife his wife caught them and so i guess he and his wife decided to get rid of her Yeah, that's what that's the best way to handle getting caught cheating and they killed her and then they took her out to the desert Craig Titus and they were gonna like light the they were lighting her on fire and yeah the car and her yeah And yeah, well, I remember this guy. He was he was so juiced to the gills You're so crazy that he actually was like challenging Phil Barone

he was saying that he wanted to fight Phil Barone when Phil Barone was you know Phil Barone when he was young was one of the scariest knockout punchers in the UFC's middleweight division he didn't beat like a lot of top guys but he's a tough motherfucker for some crazy bodybuilder

to come along and say go watch that dave minet fight go watch phil barone light dave minet up with like 15 punches in a row while standing while he's already unconscious he doesn't even have a chance to hit the ground and barone's hit i'm not kidding man it's like one of the greatest highlight reel kos of all time and this fucking douchebag juice head who just lifts weights thinks he's going to fuck with that. Like, it's hilarious.

These guys, they get so full of testosterone. They're so, I mean, they're literally not even human anymore. If you see some of those guys when they hit those crazy levels of testosterone that you need to get that big. I used to work out at that gold gym and his, his picture was on the wall. He was one of the guys the one in venice and it's not a human like the day that happened i think i was in there and the guy was on a ladder pulling the picture down oh yeah oh i'm sure yeah he's a disgrace but i mean

like when you get like that big like lee haney big yeah come on man that's not human it's not you can't it's an insult but it would also feel like like i'm i'm a little guy i i weigh like 170 pounds and i i work out a lot i do crossfit like six days a week and when i do you're a freak with it yeah when i start to work out where i'm doing a lot of olympic lifting and power lifting and stuff where i start to get a little heavier and up to like 180 my i feel uncomfortable you know just like losing all my mobility and everything. I can't, they're like handicapped people. Well, that's also an issue of what you're doing for exercise.

If you wanted mobility, you should be doing yoga. Yeah, yeah, but not at that size. You can't just do heavy weights. Sure, but I do a lot. It will tighten everything up. No, I do a lot of Metcons and stuff, but they, I'm saying when you get to that bodybuilder size, like Lee Haney size, you're almost like a handicapped person. You'd have trouble taking your shirt on.

You'd be amazed at how well some guys can move with a lot of muscle that have stretched out. That's really what it is. It's all about flexibility. There's this kid named Todd Duffy. He's a heavyweight contender and he probably weighs i'd say he weighs around 240-ish somewhere in that looks like a like some sort of uh an action comic hero it doesn't even look real human and and he's huge he's just muscles everywhere and this moves like a cat like it's creepy to watch him it's creepy to watch him jump on dudes and punch them because you're like jesus he's not supposed to move that quick yeah like it's it's uncomfortable and one of the reasons why he can move so quick is he's a real

athlete like he stretches everything out he doesn't just do you if you're doing olympic cleans if you're doing deadlifts and if you're doing like power squats you have whatever time you spend doing that you should spend twice that amount of time stretching out and getting deep tissue massages yeah so for every two hours you're lifting it should be four hours two hours deep tissue and two hours stretching that's not bullshit you like you really need to stretch everything it takes a long time oh yeah stretch i i that i don't fuck around because when i first got into crossfit i i thought it was cool that you only had to work out for like sometimes three minutes the workouts are sometimes three minutes really yeah if you're good at it like a fran a good fran time is three minutes what is a

fran fran it would be uh a 95 pound uh thruster uh 21 times then what's a thruster how's the thruster is a is a well you got to clean it, then you go into a squat, and then into a push press over your head. Okay. So you do that 21 times. Then you go straight to the pull-up bar 21 times. Then you do 15 thrusters, 15 pull-ups, then 9 thrusters, 9 pull-ups. Okay, so that's like 90 reps or something, what you're doing. You're done.

Yeah, you're fucking done. Yeah, you're done. you're done yeah you're you're fucking done and done and uh or you know they have that scheme rep scheme with like you can do it with like handstand push-ups and deadlifts uh which is is a pretty tough one too uh and so it's all just blowing it out blown out some of them are up to 20 minutes long some of them are some of them are you know like fight gone bad uh what's his name the the wrestler uh did or the the uf fighter did, I think it was Dana White, did it with CrossFit. They put it together and they said, let's simulate a UFC fight.

So it's like, what are you, five minutes and then, what's a round? Three? Five. Five-minute rounds. And how many, three? Three in the regular fights and five in championship and main event fights. So this is like five five-minute rounds with one-minute break and in between each one and you row then you do push presses box jumps everything and you do as many reps as you can get in of these things like a minute each and then you

switch to the next thing for a minute it's five things in in five minutes then you take a minute break five and they asked him afterwards they're like what was that like you know was that like a fight he goes it was like a fight gone bad. And it just, it beats the fuck out of you. But I used to go into the gym without warming up thinking I could do it. And I could, but then I developed so many issues with like bad back, bad knees. Let me bring this up then because Steve Maxwell is a guy that I trained with a bunch of times. A brilliant guy, really well known for being a fitness guru.

And he thinks that those high repetition deadlift things that get done a lot in CrossFit, he said you're not supposed to do that. That's not how those exercises are designed. There's too much potential for injury there. Yes and no. I mean, I'm sitting here right now with i've got a bad disc because i did 155 pound power clean or squat squat what was it 155 pound dude why don't you stop fucking around take jujitsu just learn how to strangle people i don't like to roll around with men i'm you will when you choke the fuck out of them listen man i do have aggression i do have aggression i would probably

like that yeah well yeah you would love it you You're a man. It would help you tremendously. You're so into fitness, but you're not even getting the rewards. I know. You're not getting a skill. This workout I did the other day was 155-pound squat clean and jerk 30 times as fast as you can do it. See, that's where Maxwell has an issue with it. His issue is that when you're doing these high rep exercises there's just too much potential for fuck-ups here here's he's right then and i hurt

myself because i uh talking to sean waxman who's an olympic lifting like expert you know he was like a national champion or whatever he i don't have my technique i mean that's a high technique thing if you're an olympic weightifter, it has to be so precise. It's like fucking ballet, how good you have to be at your technique. It's so scary when they have that one, when they lock their arms. Yeah, overhead squat. And it's overhead press. And the fucking bar is, like, way too heavy for them.

You know they just got up there with trickery. You know, they did some crazy. The snatch is fucking unbelievable. And it's wiggling over their head. You're like, my God, if that falls on your skull, you're done, son.'s wiggling over the head You're like my god If that falls in your skull You're done son Yeah yeah

Dead You're done Dead And uh I saw a guy get crushed By a bench once He was benching He went way over his head

And he fucking His arm just gave out And a clank Comes down on him hard It goes to his neck Everybody's screaming They're running over And pulling the weights off of him

It was fucking pandemonium You can spend five hours On YouTube Crying your eyes out, laughing at weightlifting accidents. And the best is the guys passing out after a lift. That's the funniest. Oh, where they just black out. Where the guy will do like a big deadlift and then just fall forward on his face. Guys have died from that.

Guys have had hernias or rather aneurysms. I had a one time in the middle of a workout. I think it was an exertion headache or something where just I knew. hernias or rather aneurysms I had a one time in the middle of a workout I had I think it was an exertion headache or something we're just I knew like and I try never to quit I just looked at everyone I went I'm out I'm out because my head started like pulsating and and it was a lot of that they teach you to like you know a lot of times you were taught like breathe in and then on the downward on the on the eccentric and on the concentric you you know, a lot of times you were taught like breathe in and then on the downward, on the, on the eccentric and on the concentric, you, you exhale.

But a lot of times in our kind of lifting, they say, hold your breath because it locks your core. If you hold your breath throughout the whole lift, like up, down, and then once you finish the lift, exhale, it locks your core together. It locks your spine in. It keeps more control. So like just hold take a deep breath hold on the way down hold on the way up exhale so i was doing that and all of

a sudden it was like like i popped something in my head and i went fuck i'm gonna die like i really thought aneurysm or something what if it was just a little mini one don't tell me that because aneurysms that well actually that's the way to go that's the you're out you're dead you're gone unless you're like my grandmother oh my grandmother had an aneurysm they gave her 72 hours she lived 12 years because she has sicilian peasant genetics those fucking those peasant genes those brick carrying savages that's a a hearty people. She survived. No one ever took care of their health. Everyone was just eating Italian food.

It was always meatballs and lasagna. I would go over to their house. It was just ridiculous. My grandmother always made homemade pasta, homemade everything. Everything was fucking sausages and sauce. It was just aneurysms. It was just cholesterol. It was like, oh, wait, and it happened. aneurysms. It was just cholesterol. It was like, oh, wait, and it happened.

So she lived for 12 years. My grandfather had to take care of her. It was amazing to watch, man. It was amazing to watch. It was one time, this is really, I mean, it's very sentimental, but he was standing over and she couldn't wipe her ass. She couldn't do anything, man. She had bed sores.

He had to turn her to make sure that she didn't, you know, have bed sores. He had to, and she would still get them. You know, she was in bed all the time, just constantly rubbing up against fabric. For 12 years? For 12 years. And she was barely lucid, and she would make crazy noises,

and sometimes she was there, and sometimes she wasn't. But she was essentially trapped in her own body for the rest of her days. And it was hard, man, because I was living with them at the time for a little bit. When I first moved to New York, I didn't have enough money for my own apartment. My grandparents lived in New Jersey,

Newark, New Jersey. They'd been there since like the 30s when it was an all-Italian neighborhood. Now it'd become this like hodgepodge of like third-world people, really poor black people. It's like, it's not a good neighborhood at all by any stretch of the imagination. And my, you know, they'd just stayed. It just had become their neighborhood and they just dealt with it and my

grandmother was just in a bed all the time moaning just in agony and pain and one time she says to my grandfather like you're too good to me like i don't deserve you like she she was lucid like she could yeah sometimes talk sometimes she would say something like that but it was reallyid, like she could talk. Sometimes she would say something like that. But it was really garbled. I don't want to do an impression of it out of respect, but it sounded like someone who was pretty fucked up. It didn't sound like the way I just said it, like you're too good to me. She couldn't talk like that.

It was long. It was drawn out. It was difficult to get the sentence out. He told her he loved her. She was his wife. It was pretty crazy. It made me cry. And then she died. It was one of those It made me cry. And then she died.

It was one of those classic things. When she died, he died a year later. Yeah, my grandparents did that. My grandparents, 96. 96, they both lived to. And he died, and she went right after. Like right after. They both went all the way to 96, and it was like, what else is there?

There's no will. I mean, that's what life is supposed to be. It's supposed be get to a point where it's really you know you're you're accepting the fact that it's over because it's not good anymore yeah you ever read the book uh oh what's his name the guy who wrote a man's search for meeting no um it's a guy he he victor victor victor hugo i think he uh he was in a concentration camp and he made it all the way through. And he wrote this book on logotherapy, I think it's called, or logotherapy. And he – it was amazing because he talked about all the people that survived and how they survived the concentration camp, being like stripped completely naked, having your hair shaved off your head, put in – like losing your identity, having no identity and

being able to survive that, like being stripped of everything in life that you ever had. And having your whole – most of these people, their whole families were killed, were murdered. So like what do you live for? And I think that happened to him. His entire family was killed. So some people would still have someone. They'd be like, I want to live to get back to my wife or I want to live to get back to my child. His was, I want to live to get back to help people, to show people how to get through

something this atrocious. Like that was his will. But he said you had to have something. If you didn't have something, you wouldn't make it. And he talks about – the most amazing thing he talked about was going – how he said sufferings like a gas, it will fill a room no matter how big it is. He said like they were on the one train going to one of the concentration camps and like if you go over this bridge, you are going to the one where they kill you. But if you make like a right turn, you're going to the one where you're going to stay alive for a couple more weeks.

It's a work camp and they're in the truck and he said they're like cattle. They've got them all pressed together. You can't breathe. You smell like shit and you're smothered and it's all these other concentration camp victims. And you're in there and it's the worst place you could ever be in your life, like mentally, physically. And you're going over this

and you're thinking, I'm going to die. I'm going over this bridge and we're going to the death camp. But they made like a right turn to go to the work camp for two weeks and there was like a cheer in the truck, like in the car, the train car,

that was like the greatest feeling in the world because they had two more weeks to live. Like they weren't going to die. And he said it's amazing that like you can be in that shitty of a position in your life but experience – have that like elation that's so high. And it's kind of Buddhist about like living the moment. I mean you're in a horrible, horrible place but you can have these levels of like like fuck that was like fucking amazing i just fucking like like like you remember the high highs of your life and one of them was at the lowest point of your life yeah it's a fucking amazing book it's i think is it did you look it

up is it victor hugo victor victor i don't know i can't remember his name it's called man's search for meaning it's an old book famous book it is a weird question when you try to figure out like what what are you here for like what is what is meaning you know if it is if you the human mind looks at the future and figures out that there's a certain amount of time left there's only a certain amount of time left if you're to believe that this world is real you know You really have a finite time as you. If you believe this world is real. It's funny you say that because I had lunch with my sister the other day who's very intelligent.

She's a partner in the biggest law firm. And we started talking about it, and we disagree on a lot. She still believes in God and all this stuff. And I said something about if you believe this world is real. And she kind of gave the Descartes, you know, I think therefore I am. And I'm like, how does he know he was fucking thinking? You know, like, how does he know? Well, it becomes entirely more possible as technology increases

to envision a world some point in the future where it's going to be possible to recreate reality in an indistinguishable form. And it may have already happened. We may be in it right now. And that may be one of the reasons why life is so ridiculous is because sometimes, like in a lot of movies, there's some shitty writing.

And in this movie, there's a dude named Wiener who likes to pull his dick out and show it to girls on the Internet. He just happens to be a senator. Or John Edwards. What, your wife's got cancer? Why don't you go fuck another chick and shoot a load inside of her? That'd be good for your presidential aspirations.

You know, I mean, this is real. John Edwards, not only that, he's on trial right now. Following his trial. They want to put that guy in jail. He almost became the president. He was a real, like, or he had a real good shot at being the vice president. Yeah, he did look like the all-American kind of...

He's a liberal. He's an kind of... He's a liberal. He's an intelligent guy. He's a lawyer. He fucking looks great. But he fucked around. But he was begging his camera woman. Tripped over his own dick. Yeah, and apparently what happened wasn't just that.

That's not why he's in trouble. Why he's in trouble is because of his campaign finances. He apparently used some of the money to finance her living and him hiding her so that's what he's it's amazing it's amazing as has as scandalous or not scandalous but as corrupt as campaign financing is that they'll go after him well i think I think they wanted to make a point. That's like going after a guy for stealing money from a drug dealer. Like... Right, that's funny. The money's so shitty in campaign financing,

the way it's coming in and how illegal and how all these corporations are financing campaigns. It's the fundamental problem with America. You're right, but in this instance, one of the things about it is there's two very specific wealthy donors that he had courted and so it was really like he robbed them of money yeah yeah he knew that his campaign was going to fall apart because he knew that his i understand but those fuckers are buying influence so that's what you get you know

you're maybe one of them is a wealthy individual is a woman Yeah, but like if you saw the guy that was financing Newt's campaign or Santorum's campaign. These are just egomaniac fucking rich people super super super rich That that have done everything and it's on their bucket list and then they also have ideals like, you know I think the world should be run like this So I'm gonna put money in the pocket of a of a, you know, with these super PACs now and the way they do it. And they go, they're buying influence. Politicians, I just read a great book, Lawrence Lessig, Republic Lost, and I've felt this way for years because I traveled all over the world doing comedy and every country I

went to, everybody yelled at me about America. Like every single green room of every comedy club, no matter where I went, it was like I was the representative for America and everybody wanted to fucking yell at me about my country. And there was a lot I see wrong with America, a ton. But at a certain point, I started snapping. I'd be like, fuck off. Fuck off. Do you buy Coca-Cola? Well, Coca-Cola pays for the politicians to get elected.

So stop drinking Coke and then you can come bitch at me. Like, if you're putting money in the corporation's pockets, you're paying for these politicians to make the decisions. Yeah, and most people are born into a system that they have no control of. And to blame us for what's going on with the military industrial complex. I had a joke in my first album about it, like English people saying, you're responsible for this, you're responsible for that. Like, your country, well, me, I don't even vote. I steal cable like English people saying, you're responsible for this, you're responsible for that. Like, you'll come to me. I don't even vote.

I steal cable. Okay. Okay. You're not talking about me. I'm just a dude who got, you know, shat out of a vagina some odd years ago. And here I am. And now we're talking. I'm responsible for this crazy fucking machine.

And I can't fix it either. I'm 24 years old. Okay. Go fuck yourself. But there is that feeling when you go places and you feel like... I ended up making a documentary film about it called America the Punchline.

About how everywhere I was going, comedians, I'd be in Hong Kong, I'd be in Dubai, I'd be in South Africa. They're all fucking making fun of America. I always apologize. I always apologize and say that I come to you from America. I come to you from the balls of the dick that's fucking the world that's where I live

and that's a very common thing for Americans American comedians to apologize because it's that you get there I used to go on stage in England like back around 2003, 2004 I would walk on stage and they'd go the next comedian's an American and I would do it for fun, I'd tell them

what do you want as your intro, I'd go just say I'm American and they'd go the next comedians in American and I would do it for fun I'd tell him he go what do you want is your intro I'd go just say I'm American and they go the next comedians American boo the whole crowd would boo before they saw my act I'm like now I'm used to it I have to go not not as soon you did this on purpose and would you go up and just I would do it no no no in the beginning I would apologize like when I first started going to England and all over the world i would apologize and then i got to the point where i'm like i knew where i could stand and i was like and i liked that i just roped them in on it like oh you just booed me now now now i'm able to come after you right because it was funny like i was i wasn't doing well over there when i would be like oh i'm sorry you know i'm sorry but when i'd be

like really you know who's our ally you know how are you pointing the finger at us when you you're right there with even that i mean you're talking about well really man you think triple h doesn't work for the alliance when i'll tell you what when you're talking nonsense you mean even saying that i don't know what the they're doing do you know what they're doing who's allies what does that even mean? What's involved in this alliance? Where are the lines? Yeah, Jesus.

I just was watching yesterday. They're saying that Pakistan and Afghanistan are about, they might go to war with each other. Well, there was a theory that someone said to me. It was Duncan. Duncan Trussell said there's a theory. I believe he was quoting it, but what it was was that the idea is that as the world falls apart, really, it's your own reality that's falling apart. It's just the reality of the world is that it's really a piece of your imagination. And that as the world gets more and more chaotic, and we move closer to the end of the mind calendar, and there's nuclear war is a threat in the back, what all that really

is Fukushima's meltdown, the pollution in the oceans, it is really your own reality of your temporary existence in this plane is coming to an end. I believe that too, sort of. Maybe. I mean, that's what we were talking about earlier. We were talking about, like, whether or not life really is a work of fiction.

I mean, I wouldn't say that I believe it, but I don't not believe it. Yeah, that's what I said, because I don't know what I know. Yeah, I mean, I get a lot of shit about these crazy what-if scenarios believe it yeah that's that's what i said because i don't know what i know that's yeah i mean i get a lot of shit about these crazy what-if scenarios where you stop and think about it and you're like what if this and what if what if this is this is artificial but at a certain point in time we know that's going to happen if you look at like what you see now what just look at this the fact that

i can get on this laptop and i can just watch movies and I can interact with people and exchange information. And the graphics are incredible and the photos are high definition. This is just one step in a process that is not going to stop unless resources run out and we all wind up being fucking zombies and cannibals. I mean, this is really the only way. Civilization is going to have to fall apart for us to lose our obsession with the direction that technology is moving.

There's never going to be a time where we go, you know what? We have enough technology. We're cool with this. What we have to do is clean up our mess. No.

But there also could be the chance of a solar flare or something that just wipes it all out where then the Earth starts over again like an ice age or something where we start from

ground one again where we start super possible and then you and you think about if we evolve from or not if we evolve but as we evolve from apes or where apes came originally what they came from and that whole millions and millions of year process that has to start all over again and they might not get like we don't even know, how do we even know if we have gotten the furthest along? You know what's really fucked up, man, when you look at those pictures

of, like, what we evolved from? You know, Australopithecus and all these dudes that lived, like, a million years ago? That's not that long ago. It's amazing that it go from a million years to today, and look how much different we look than every other ape. Like one ape started standing up, and by the way, there wasn't just one of us.

There was a gang of us, different species, a lot of them that never made it, like the Flores, the Hobbit man that they found recently. As recently as I think it was 10,000 years ago, they were living, coinciding with human beings. What's the Hobbit man? They're little Hobbit people, little tiny ago. They were living, coinciding with human beings. What's the hobbit? They're little hobbit people, little tiny people. Really?

A tiny race of human beings on an island that they found. Are they maybe like what dwarves are today? No, no, no. They're tiny people. They're in proportion.

A dwarf is the idea is that it's a genetic anomaly in their body. They have short arms and a large head. We had on Talking Shit, my podcast the other night, we had...

I think it's dwarves. No, midgets. Are you not allowed to say midgets? No, they explained it. As our guest, I had three dwarves. Is a dwarf a proportionate person who's very tiny? No. Which one is the proportionate that's very tiny?

There are so many different types of it that they were explaining all their types. Like Tanya Lee Davis and Nick Novicki and Brad Williams were all on the show, and they were all explaining that they all had – I think the three of them had three different types of dwarfism. And then they talked about if they were to have sex and have a child, like, there's a 25 percent chance that it could acquire – like, that – and they know all this because they go to, like little people of american convention which i went to this year which is fucking amazing um and they they study all this stuff and they know like uh they've i think they've isolated the gene that causes causes dwarfism and uh they know what it is and they through like gene therapy and everything not gene therapy or what you know whatever they do like stem cell or whatever they might be able to prevent it from happening in the future reverse it no they can't reverse it but they might be able to prevent it from happening and i think a lot of dwarves

were upset about this saying like you're gonna kill our species yeah like like there's something wrong sexy or can they just modify the gene to make like sexy dwarves? Because I think if they did it right, it would be cool. Well, I have a friend in Australia, this guy Iman, who is 41 pounds. And he's full grown. And he is the smallest man you'll ever see. And he's a stand-up comedian. And he is fucking tiny. And he has a thing, I think it's called Rima disorder if I'm right.

And the only other person in the world that has it is his sister and her name's rima and uh he just looks like a miniature person like everything's proportionate everything even his cock and uh no he claims it's how tall is he yeah he's uh... Back pedal. Two feet? I would say... He's about up to your thigh. Midway up your thigh. Wow, that's crazy. I mean, he's tiny. He's a funny comedian.

Really funny. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hilarious. And I've gotten him wasted, which is fun. How much can he drink? He can't. One wine cooler?

He smokes pot. What? Like a fiend. Like a fiend. And drinks. Like, I saw him one night probably have six gin and tonics whoa and i was he's got long hair too which is funky and i had to hold his hair because he was puking outside oh my god and i ended up classic i ended up carrying him about 20 blocks home like carried him like a bit you didn't. Like I had to carry him in my arms like a baby. That's a good CrossFit. That's like a farmer walk.

That's a good CrossFit exercise. Well, first I had him on my shoulder. Did you do it like a sandbag? Did you get him in a gable grip? First I had him on my shoulder like a parrot. Did you get him in the guillotine grip? It's an odd grip. It's like this.

You got to palm outward and the other one inward. It's really good for guillotines. And then I just took him back to my house and and I let him pass out on my couch because he was just so fucked up and he would had to get home and I was like what you know you don't want like a stumbling dwarf walking around the street what is he technically he's not a dwarf right he has this thing called Rima disorder right but what this is what I'm getting at oh they don't like the word you don't like the word midget but it has to be that there

was like midgets and dwarves and they were two different midget comes from the word midge or something which is an insect right so you're calling them an insect and they also don't like it because their whole lives they've been identified as look at the midget and so it's not like it just seems so weird that the name change is gonna change anything it's isn like... It just seems so weird that the name change is going to change anything. Isn't it really the intent with... I agree, but I think it's like when you look at... Cracker, the word cracker doesn't hurt anyone.

Nobody's ever gone that obsessed. And I'm one for, like I say on stage, I say absolutely every word I can possibly think of. I have a joke about him. I go, my best friend is a he's a midget he's a real life dude and he hates the word midget he he says that's the most offensive thing you can call a little person and i'm like what about nigger midget and that's a that's a lot more offensive because it's not like your people are enslaved except in the wizard of oz but they like i

understand where they're coming from that their whole whole life, because I've been with them. I feel like you've got to just give it to them just because they've got Delta's shitty hand. If that's going to make you happier that we won't say midget, then I won't say midget. Yeah, because I've walked down the street with them, and it's amazing. Like, when you're with a black person, people aren't pointing at this day and age, yelling, look at the N-word. But when you're with a little person people fucking point and yell do you watch game of thrones look at no everyone's telling me i have to that one little dude who's on the i don't know his name i should probably look it up for the purpose fucking

brilliant he steals the show that got shows goddamn is that the famous uh the famous little guy yeah uh dinklage or peter yeah he just won something like whatever he's really good yeah he's a great actor he's the best actor in the show well Nick who was on

Nick who was on our podcast the other night is in Boardwalk Empire he's the fighter do you know Nick Nick Navicki

no I thought you said Lipnicki before no he's kind of a midget. No. Isn't he your buddy? Yeah.

Well, that buddy. I had him on a podcast once. He goes to tight? No. John Heffron's buddy. Oh, yeah.

He chokes Heffron, apparently. You know, I would do jujitsu. I'm kind of with you on that and a couple other reasons, but I would do jujitsu if somebody like Ronda Rousey took

five of the hottest girls and was just like, you have to choose one of these girls every day. You get to choose the Bunny Ranch, and then you choose which one you want, and it's no gi, and they'll teach you jiu-jitsu. I would do it that way. Teach you? Yeah, but listen, I've wrestled

women. Not if you're just training, if they're just being teachers. No, they'll fuck listen i've wrestled you up i've wrestled women not if you're just training if they're just being teachers no they'll fuck you i wrestled two girls in a jello i wrestled two girls in a jello wrestling contest for a radio promotion and uh i said to the girls beforehand i go hey and these weren't ufc girls they're just girls and i go hey let's take it easy no one needs to get hurt here like i know i can't be i can't beat the out of them everybody's like you're an so i know they're just gonna club the out of me so i'm like i had watched during the jello wrestling i was the only guy in it it was all chicks and me and the the round before me a chick the bottom of the uh it was just like

one of those inflatable pools right the bottom of the pool was just on cement. So they're wrestling on a piece of nylon over cement. Oh, Jesus. And I watch this girl pick up a girl's slammer, and her jaw hits the ground. And I hear the girl go, I think I broke my jaw. Oh, my. And I'm like, this is fucking, and then I'm going in next. And the girls are taunting me, and they're going, we're going to kick your ass.

This is after a girl broke her jaw? If you gonna kick your ass it's on yeah you can watch it on you if you if you google eddie if uh jello wrestling you can watch so the girls are fucking beating the fuck out of me beating the fuck like i had scratches and blood coming like and i'm going calm the fuck down like this is a show not like and and they're gouging at me and all so finally i just was like all right that, that's it. So I thought, what can I do? I can't fucking hurt them. So I just started pulling off their bikini tops and bottoms. Nice. And I was like, at least that's where they'll become defensive.

So if I just start showing their titties to everybody, I win. I look like the good guy. The crowd likes me. And sure enough, I accidentally fingered one of them, I think. One of the chicks you can watch, I pick her up and body slam her. And you just hear her go, I broke my fucking nose. You blood everywhere. You body slammed her and she broke her nose?

They were beating the fuck out of me. Oh, wow. Oh, my God, dude. They're beating the shit out of you. Oh, wow. Oh my god, dude. They're beating the shit out of you. What is the name of this? Will someone search this? I think it's on YouTube. Eddie Ift Jello Wrestling. Oh my god, dude. They are trying to fuck you up. So you weren't on the

offensive. You were just being defensive here. Because I got to tell you, I think I could take these two bitches. But like, what do you do? Oh, yeah, you got her bra, almost. You know what, dude? You tried to be gentlemanly, even how you took off her bra. Oh, shit. Oh, that bitch totally broke her nose.

And she's laughing about it. What a psycho. Oh, my God. That chick's a psycho. What do you do in that situation? I don't do that. she's laughing about it. What a psycho. Oh, my God. That chick's a psycho. What do you do in that situation? I don't do that. I wouldn't do it. I don't like me when I get mad.

You try to finger. That sounded like the Hulk. He wouldn't like me when I'm angry. I don't want to get physically. I don't want to ever put myself in a position where I'm physical with a chick at all like that. Me neither. And like in high school one time, I had a girl. I beat up her brother. And like it was a fair fight kind of thing like in high school one time i had a girl i beat

up her brother and uh like it was a fair fight kind of thing i beat him up we hit a fist fight i won and she was older like two years older and she was like the biggest burnout fucking hardcore like crazy bitch in the school and everybody's like you're dead she came to get me and she beat me up in front of the whole high school like she was just slapping me in the face and punch and i just had to sit there and take it and i just sat there and just took every punt like and just i just kept calling her a cunt there's this woman there's this woman who was a lesbian and she was also uh like a really high level taekwondo player she was she'd fought a lot of national tournaments placed she had been she was like she was very good and um she was uh in the class and she had this hard on for men like she would especially men that weren't as good as

her she would beat the fuck out of them she would be she beat the fuck out of steve you know steve graham remember steve my buddy steve beat the fuck out of steve and then i had to go with her next and the only reason why my instructor paired me up with her was to punish her. Because she shouldn't have been going with me. That was when I was like I was a US Open champion, four-time Massachusetts State champion. I was a man. And I was just a lot faster and stronger

and bigger. And she fucking attacked me. She screamed like it was sparring. Okay, this is not a fight. This is sparring. And she screamed and just charged at me and i put a whooping on this bitch i don't you i never usually beat girls up but i put a beating on that girl i didn't hit her i didn't hit her in her face i only hit her in her body and i but i clowned her i would like i would do things to her that i knew she couldn't do to me i like would

double kick her well i'd kick her with my left foot and then kick her my right foot at the same time to stand right in front i just did a bunch of shit that she couldn't do to me because you're at such a disadvantage yeah like i've always thought i'm i'm yeah it was but you're in a disadvantage yeah because like i've seen that where girls want to enter like that kind of sport and i'm all for women playing sports if you're if you're an equal that's fine but in a sport like this that there's a cultural exchange there that makes it like like football you know when a girl wants to play football you know how do you feel about hitting like a guy it's gonna get it's like girls in the military well it's like well let me explain it to you when it comes to martial arts it's real simple you don't take advantage of anybody that's below you you you try to be as

nice as possible to the underclass when you donally, when you're sparring, especially with contact, like kicking and punching, someone gets knocked out. But you don't ever try to knock out someone who's a lower rank than you. You always try to control yourself. Shit happens sometimes. People run into things or you catch someone funny and you didn't know you were going to knock them out and they go unconscious. That would happen. But you should never do it on purpose. That would happen.

But you should never do it on purpose. And when someone who's a black belt, like this woman was, went after this guy who had like fucking 20 knee surgeries, can't move that good, and he's only a green belt, he's just a startup, and she went and attacked him like it was a goddamn street fight. There's a level of aggression that people sometimes will take out on people in sparring. The only reason they do it is because they can.

It's just bullying. That's all they can. It's just bullying. That's all it is. It's straight bullying. She would go after guys and beat the shit out of them. But I see her spar women, nothing like that, man. When she would spar women, she would take it easy on them. She would pull her punches and kicks. She was trying to knock guys out.

There was a real aggression to it. She charged after me, man, like screamed at me. I was like 19. And when I at me. I was like 19. And when I was 19, I was half crazy. And I was not taking it from some bitch. I put a beating on this chick.

I stomped her in the chest. I remember like, not knowing how to hit her so that it was more of a push than a kick. But just to let her know what's up, launched her through the air and she skid on her butt, and then I chased her down and then stood over her, and then I let her get back up,

and then I just started beating on her. I'll never forget this because it was a real moment in my life where I said, I am not going to hurt her. I am not going to hurt her because my instincts were to knock her unconscious. My instincts were to kick her in the face. I was like, I'm going to kick this bitch in the face. But I can't. There's no way you can do that.

So it was a battle, because I was in a fight with a woman, essentially. Because if it was a guy, and he took advantage of another guy, that's your thought, is I'm going to knock this guy out. I'm going to kick him in the face. He deserves this. But then you go, I have to make a concession here, because this is a woman. So you have to like, I mean.

There were times in the gym where it just became all out fights. And there was two times that I can really remember. One of them, unfortunately, was when we had concrete floors. We only had office carpeting over concrete floors. And we would spar full contact. This is no bullshit. And this was a hardcore fucking school. We fight in these these taekwondo tournaments and they were scary but the training was scarier than the fucking fights because at least the training you know would you would be

with your friends and he sounds like fight club yeah you know all their shit and and they're all preparing and you're gonna have to fight him four or five six times when you're fighting you're probably gonna fight someone's not as good as your training partners and you're going to have to fight them four, five, six times. When you're fighting, you're probably going to fight someone who's not as good as your training partners and you're not going to have to fight as many times. It was way easier. But new guys would come in all the time and it would wind up being just a brawl. That's all it was. I can't remember how many times we had to drive people to the hospital after we fucked them up

because we would get in these situations where a guy would come in from another school and they usually weren't that good and they would get cocky or insolent and the instructor would let them join class like go ahead put your clothes would you like to join our class we can have the first class for free and we know we were just supposed to beat the fuck out of this guy so it was like it was completely irresponsible but that's how it was handled when anybody was out of line and they came to the school it wound up being a street fight and's how it was handled when anybody was uh out of line and they came to the school it wound up being a street fight and on concrete it was just a thin office carpet on concrete so this is how i essentially grew up from age 15 to 21 that's all i did so when some

chick is screaming at me chasing after me like she's gonna like attack me after i watched her just beat up my friend. That was not happening. But it was a milestone for me where I was able to not hurt her. It was very important. Because I was like 20 pounds heavier than her. It was totally unfair. But I was able to not hurt her. Very important.

I don't know if it was the night we did your show, but I was at a comedy club one night and afterwards there was a there was an argument i was i had headlined there or something there was an argument about buying drinks or something and a couple had argued with a waitress and the the women were fighting the the the girl that didn't want to pay her bill was arguing with the waitress at the comedy club and they were screaming yelling at each other it pours out kind of into the street and uh the a waiter stands up for the waitress uh this black dude standing up

for the waitress going hey you know you need to to back off blah blah blah and so then her husband gets in so it's the black guy and the husband who's a mexican dude so black guy mexican dude and the mexican guy's wife is standing behind him and they're arguing and they're about it's escalating into a fight and you can tell the mexican dude does not want to fight but he's he's standing his ground but he doesn't want to fight you know when two guys are going and the black dude's like yo get the fuck out of here you you just pay your bill get the out blah blah blah and the man can you you a lot of yous right you know when a fight to escalate but you can tell no one really wants to fight his wife comes over the shoulder and punches the black dude from the comedy club that works there oh no and i see the whole thing and i

thought to myself i've never and and and what i thought should have happened right there is the black dude and the mexican dude should have high-fived and beat the shit out of his wife like like she because she just got two guys in a fight who who like one guy didn't want to fight and probably was going to get his ass kicked yeah her husband didn't want to fight the black dude just wanted to break up and now she's got now they're they have to fight each other which they did and by the way the black dude got a good punch in on her too really okay she hit him he hit her right back he hit both of them as he should cops craziness cops show up and they're like what happened i'm like take her take her there's your problem i had an ex-girlfriend

take a swing at me once that's that's assault have you ever had an ex-girlfriend oh yeah i've had a couple that's the darkest moment ever when you really oh my god someone is fucking punching me a girl punched me on a set once too she didn't quite catch me i put my hand up just in time i was doing this show it was for merv griffin and uh uh it was a law show like a like a courtroom show called we were going to call it like rogan's law it was like i wasn, like a courtroom show. We were going to call it like Rogan's Law. It was like I wasn't really a judge, but I would like decide your cases. It's been done since then. I think Paul Mooney did it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it's not. No, no. Adalma Herrera does it. Yeah. Comedy Court. Yeah, exactly. And then someone else did it too.

There was another one. I don't remember who the other comic was too. But anyway, so it's a funny idea. It could have been fun. But they had a bailiff or, so it's a funny idea. It could have been fun. But they had a bailiff or whatever it was, a court reporter. And she was this chick, professional hot chick. A little worn out, a little weathered. Not a bad girl, but was partying fucking hard.

I mean, just redlining it. And she was one of those girls that would come over and she would flirt with all the writers And I mean this is like she hadn't really done anything yet You should have star on her back and I go why do you have a star shield self-fulfilling prophecy? Oh, she actually said that which is that's how I mean you say whoa, man But that's how a lot of actors think and but I tell you before I had children I looked at it completely differently because I used to look at this fucking crazy bitch with her fucking self-fulfilling prophecy.

I would go aggro with it, right? But now I look at it and I see a little kid that was just raised all fucked up. She was only like 29 or 30 years old or something like that. And she looked like she was closing in on 40. She looked 10 years older than her age. And she was just hitting it hard. And she probably was a great girl. She probably wasn't bad.

They all need love or something. they're all broken and damaged they're all little children that just didn't get enough attention they should change the hollywood sign to daddy didn't love me yeah it's true that's my problem so um anyway um she she goes out the night before we have to film and i don't know if she's nervous because this is like, you know, this is like the first thing that she's ever done, this pilot. And she gets coked to the gills. She stays up all night and she shows up in the morning to film with no sleep, no sleep and crashing hard, crashing hard and going full psycho mode. And, you know, I'm the one who's got to take these cases. So they tell me what the subject of each case is, right? Before I meet the people and they actually come up with the case, I sit down with a notepad and I start going, okay, well, these are real problems.

These people are like real issues. It's like I have to really figure out what this is and what's funny about it. And I'm trying to make it. So I'm sitting there writing. It's like, oh, God, I'm so tense. Joe, can you give me a massage? Can you give me a massage? Come over here.

I go, you don't even have to do anything.'re just sitting there i go you don't have to worry about it i go don't be tense i go i have to write all this stuff down i have to i have to add lip i go we only we're gonna film in like two hours i really can't and just you you i just ask you to be nice i just ask you to be nice and i'm fucking nervous and i'm and it was just complete 100 psycho yeah she just did not have any connection with reality there was no like rational uh response to the way the conversation was going you know you should like if someone says can i have a massage you know and then you tell them that you're working they should be like oh okay sorry what am i doing asking you for a massage you should laugh about it like silly me um you're the one

who needs i'll get somebody else to rub my back don't worry about it but it was like this weird thing where she wanted uh attention she wanted like sexual attention she wanted to be attractive she wanted someone to uh to dote on her so that she would feel better but she was just whacked out from the coke or whatever the fuck she was doing, meth, or whatever it was. But she was clearly up all night, and she was with her friend. And her friend just had this thousand-yard stare, this just lost look in her eye, like these bitches had just been to NAMM,

and came back with their shoes in their hands, barefoot, walking through the parking lot, looking to take a hooker bath in the dressing room sink. And I'm not bullshitting. So she's like throwing makeup on, but she's super frustrated because she's got heavy bags under her eyes. She's just gacked out of her head. And so they wound up using a girl who was an extra.

They fired her. She took a swing at me. That's what I didn't get to the point of it. She took a swing at me. When you said no. Well, I was like, what are you talking about? I go, you're acting crazy. I go, we're about to film this thing.

I go, why are you demanding so much attention from me? I go, please. And she fucking just hauled back. And I'm like, no, this bitch is not hitting me right now. And like halfway in, I'm like, dude, you better get your fucking hand up. She's going to hit you in the face. Full swing. Yeah, full swing.

Yeah, she took a swing at me, man. And I caught it, dude, you better get your fucking hand up. She's going to hit you in the face. Full swing. Yeah, full swing. Yeah, she took a swing at me, man. And I caught it last minute. I was like, oh my god, you're hitting me? Really? I don't understand that, because that's fucking assault. Yeah, that's what I said to her. I was like, which made her even more. I go, excuse me, that's illegal.

I go, that's assault. You can go to jail for that. You shouldn't be hitting people. You know, look, man, a man should certainly not hit a woman by any stretch of the imagination. But a woman shouldn't hit a man. Exactly. And men shouldn't hit men. But women, you're hitting a man.

You're crazy. That's like if I went over and punched a monkey or a gorilla or something like that. That thing would kill you. What are you doing? You're going to hit a man? I just saw something. Somebody said those bumper stickers, there's never an excuse for a man to hit a woman. And it's like there's never an excuse for anyone to hit anyone.

Yeah, exactly. Unless you're self-defense. Unless you're trying to save your life or your consciousness or stop someone from beating somebody else up. But yeah, I mean, a girl doing that to me is like me going up to Alistair Overeem and punching him. How would I do that? He's going to fucking kill me.

I had a girlfriend punch me while I was in bed sleeping. Oh, my God. I've had that. Brian's all casual. I didn't pay for it, though. Brian's all like, whatever, whatever. I woke up with fists just wailing on me. Yeah, yeah, that's kind of what mine was.

I kicked a girl. She was living with me. I kicked her out. I was like, was like out all night doing coke and not coming home and shit like that and I go just fucking move

just get your shit out so I come home one night and her dog has shit all over my house like everywhere and I go and she was supposed to be home and she just stayed out all night

like I was out I come back and her dog has shit all over my house and she didn't like and I go that's it that's it and she was hot

she was super hot she was a stripper and it was my fault i know you know like you know what are you talking about it sounds perfect i know but i mean everything sounds like it's in place yeah yeah but like you've got it all when you when you when you date a stripper it's like doing heroin the first time it's like oh this is fucking amazing and then the next time and your friends are all shaking their heads dude you don't want to do this this? It always ends up ugly and you're like no no no this one's different. This one's different So I've dated strippers that turned out to be very nice girls, but I have so so real I know I'm friends with some girls that are dancers, but this one was fucking the psycho Yeah, there's a lot of cycles out there. So I go I go you got to get you got to go

You got to get out and I called her on the phone I go I'm putting your shit outside my house. And just come and get it and go. Because she'd have a lot of stuff. I was like, just come get your stuff and go somewhere and go. See, that's where you fucked up. Because you made her come to you. You should never do that.

What you're supposed to do is have it brought to her by the blackest dude you know. Yeah, and I didn't realize that. The biggest black scaredy cat. Whatever you know, if you don't get a black dude a samoan will do angry looking samoan hopefully with some fucking visible tattoos near his neck i i i came home and i was just like fuck the dog and shit i was so mad i was like but i didn't do it i didn't put her stuff outside right but she came home enraged and i'm just in bed sleeping and she just starts wailing on me.

I go, what the fuck? She goes, you're lucky. She goes, I almost called the cops and told them you had a gun. And I'm like, they would have taken me to jail. Like, how crazy are you? And the funny thing is I broke up with her since like years ago. And I just Googled her to see what's going on. The only thing I could find is that she was arrested for assault oh yeah i'm like some other dude got it yeah well some people

grow up thinking it's okay to hit people you know i mean especially like in the household if they see their mom and her dad beating each other up they grow up in that environment and they think that that's how relationships are you get mad at someone you lash out at them like a child i've I had one girlfriend do it but she didn't really do it she kind of half-heartedly did it she just was mad at me and she was young and we're both young and she was like 20 I was like 21 she sort of took a swing at me kinda like ducked under it I had a girl I had a girl kick me I think the only time I think I've called a girl a

cunt her face like a only couple times in my life in New York I've called a girl a cunt to her face only a couple times in my life. In New York, I'm getting a taxi one night. That's not living in here. Unless you have too many to count. I said to their face. Oh, really? That doesn't mean anything. That's exactly what I'm talking about.

I'm standing on the street in New York City. It's 5 in the morning. I've just come out of a bar. I've been drinking all night, and I hail a cab. And you know how sometimes you'll be standing there, and somebody else has been waiting longer than you, but they're down the street a bit? Right.

I'm waiting. I hail this cab, and it stops for me. So I open the door, but she sees it stop for me, and she's been waiting. She comes running up the street to where I am, and she's screaming, she comes running up the street to where i am and she's like screaming so i like stop and look and she pulls back and she's got on those fucking new york city fuck me boots you know that they all wear the black leather high you know like like knee-high boots she pulls back and kicks me in the shin as hard as she can and it felt like a chip of my bone came out of my shin and I

just looked at her and I went you and as cunt was coming out it didn't even get to fully come out cuz her her right fucking hook hit me right in the fit like she punched me as I said cunt and I'm like you fucking psycho and I was so angry that I did not know what to do I look at her boyfriend and I go and I'm like you fucking psycho and I was so angry that I did not know what to do I look at her boyfriend and I go and I look at her and I go and I had like a bunch of dudes with me too I go I'm gonna beat the fuck out of him right now he's gonna die because you did that I'm like I'm gonna fucking kill him I'm like you're fucking dead dude you're fucking dead and and he just grabbed her he goes come on let's go let's go because i couldn't like do anything to her yeah you could i i should have had her arrested you palm strike her right in the

nose just an open hand like this smack just a good gorilla slap the nose i don't know what the fuck is up and you know i i've had these conversations before with people and there's there's some people that have this really black and white thing with women like you cannot ever hit women which is that's crazy a woman will stab you a woman will kill you I know a dude

who got killed by his wife don't tell me you should because guess what if a woman pulls a gun on you you should punch her in the face

if you can it's the way to save your life to say that you shouldn't of course you shouldn't go out of your way to do it and you know

when I say that I've called a lot of women cunts it's because I've lived motherfucker I've been a god stand-up comedian working in bars for 23 years. You don't think I've run across a few dozen cunts. Oh, I don't count on stage. I've called a million. But I mean, for some people, I get accused sometimes of being a misogynist because I'm

just honest about it. But no one loves women more than me. My house is filled with women. My daughters are all women. I have women everywhere. I have a girl cat. I love women. I just don't like, I do. My house is half pink. But I don't like cunts. I love women. I love nice people. I love nice men. I don't like douchebags. But it's a weird thing, and we've brought it up before, but it bears noting and and repeating why is it that if you have a problem with guys nobody ever says you hate men yeah there's not even a there is a word for it because i brought this up once i said there's no word i tried to write a joke about it i said you know there's a word for hating women misogynists but there's no word for hating men

other than lesbian and uh and like somebody there is a word. Whatever the word is, nobody knows it. Yeah. But the important thing is it's not respected. No. It's a weird thing. It's like women are allowed to, you're allowed to say things like that. And weak dudes are allowed to say things too.

When a guy says you hate women, God damn it, that is one of my pet peeves. Like you fucking pussy, you goddamn traitor. What team are you on? A guy gets in an argument with a cunt, and you're like, I've seen it happen, man. There was a guy who did it to me once. We were at a club. This is after a friend

of mine had killed his best friend in a drunk driving accident. When I was in high school, I don't want to say his name, Tim. He lived right down the street from me, killed his buddy in a drunk driving accident. It was devastating. And I remember, I'll never forget, Tim and I we lived in the same neighborhood, and I was walking down the street and it killed his buddy in a drunk driving accident It was devastating and I remember I'll never forget Tim and I we lived in the same neighborhood And I was walking down the street. It was like a couple weeks after it happened

He still had the marks all over his face. He was walking up the street. I was walking down the street I Looked at him and I said I said what's up, Tim? He goes sup and he just walked past me and I I the fucking palpable feeling of sadness and regret and shame and horror. And the story was he was drunk and he crashed his car. And the cops were standing over him when he woke up in the hospital. And the cops said something like, congratulations.

And he goes, what? He goes, congratulations, you killed your friend. You're a fucking murderer because you were drunk and he killed your friend so he trying to jump out the window yeah and they grabbed him and stopped him from drunk and jumping out the window so it was this is right after this happened okay I'm doing stand-up and I'm on Martha's Vineyard and there's people not, Cape Cod, and people down the Cape would get fucking hammered. And it was me and a couple other dudes, and one of them is this guy who was not a very funny guy, but he was like one of those guys that was always trying to be like,

he was always trying to pick women's sides on everything. That guy. He was like super captain left-wing liberal, right? And these girls are heckling the show and they're hammered they're fucking hammered and we're outside and We're we've done our gig the gig was a hell gig. You know, it was terrible There was a hockey game going on the refused to turn the game off instead. They just turned the volume down So the hockey games on a people every couple minutes. Oh

They would yell for the hockey game It was just one of those gigs that you had to do when you were young. These girls are outside and they are about to get in their car and they're fucking sloshed. And I am so angry. I'm so angry because I'm just thinking about my friend Timmy walking up the street and I'm like, what the fuck? And I go, look at these fucking drunk pigs. I go, it's not bad enough that you got to heckle at a comedy show and scream and yell

and ruin everybody's night. Now you're going to go go drunk drive you fucking pig, you know, and they were just fat sloppy and gross and just mutants and And this guy turns to me goes. Hey, man. I don't appreciate you talking about women like that. I Go, I'm not talking about all women you dumb fuck. I'm talking about these drunk pigs I go if those were guys would I be allowed to captain vagina? Would I be allowed to call them pigsagina, would I be allowed to call them pigs? The fuck?

Of course I would. Yeah. These are cunt humans. Yeah. These are cunt humans. There's fucking five guys walking down the street in Ku Klux Klan outfits. Yeah. Are you allowed to?

He like, he like confronted me with it. Like, I really don't appreciate you talking about women like that. Yeah. I've been in that argument a million times. But Boston had a lot of that, man. There was a lot of like ridiculous. I always feel like that's feel like there's that guy, that type of guy that tries to get laid.

He can't get laid. That's the problem. No, but that's his thing. Of course it is. And he thinks that's his angle into it. Exactly. So he's just as bad as anyone. It's fucked up.

He's a traitor. Yeah, but more than that. What I said earlier is really true. A guy who tells you that is a traitor. That's what he is. He's selling out his gender for a couple brownie points with women so he could be close to them.

Mrs., can I sit by the fire? You've been such a good boy. Sit by the fire. Thank you, my lord. Thank you. He just wants to be close and get scraps from the table. That's a guy who's never gorilla fucked a girl.

He's never ripped a girl's panties off or stuffed her into the corner of a couch and sweat on her when you're fucking her so hard you're dripping sweat off your chest under her face my collects in my chest hair yeah she puts her hands through it and just that too son you got to get some furious fucking going on to achieve those kind of levels of cool off, sweat, whatever. Some dudes, they're born in this crazy life with a weak hand. Everything's weak. Their parents are weak. Their genetics are weak. Their situation's weak. Their outlook's weak. Their character's weak. Their discipline is weak. They don't accomplish what they want. They don't have the courage to go after what they want to achieve. They'll never become the man they wish they could be. So all they do along the way is try to define the boundaries for everybody else

and tell everybody else how they should think and should not behave. And the guys that they hide behind, unfortunately, is a good one, the guys that you should be a nice person. It shouldn't be an asshole hates women. I mean, I've been around people that hate women. It's an ugly, ugly thing. When you hate all women, that's a really gross thing. I don't like that at all.

We've got a lot of those fans on our podcast i bet you do ona has the most there when they used to have these fucking hater shows where they would do these comedy shows they booed dom irera in philadelphia i've seen that that's the famous one where bill burr went out and shit on philadelphia for like 10 minutes it's the best it's one of the greatest comedy performances of all it really is and he keeps going back to the time seven Seven minutes and I'm doing all my time. The best line is when he makes fun of the flyers, the Philadelphia Flyers for wearing slacks. The best line is, fuck you and fuck the Liberty Bell.

Oh, that's fucking classic. I've had those shows where it's gone that wrong. And you're like, none of them have ever been close to as good as bill burr's like what he did up there because mine my rant will last to a minute maybe you know he did the whole time i hate all of you i hope the fucking i hope the fucking ceiling collapses like we're the indiana state fair you know i've i've said it all but that's a dated reference son nobody remembers the indiana state fair he kept going and going and going and going and it was like and he was pulling out every reference beautiful every philadelphia thing the bridge

and the rocky yeah it was like he goes you got real world champions you're like joe frazier who do you worship a fake guy from a fucking movie. Fucking amazing. He killed it. That was awesome. I can't believe with how often comedians snap, there's not more videos of the snaps. There's a lot of videos of snaps, man. There's a lot. There's a gang of heckler videos from me, man.

Yeah. There's one from last time I was up in Edmonton. There's the River Cree. There's one. There's some chick. She wouldn't sit down. I think I fucked with her for 20 minutes. It was ridiculous.

Were you playing in the theater up there? Were you at River Cree Casino? Okay. Yeah, that place is great. It's fun. They do fights up there a lot, too. There's a lot of MMA fans. They have the MFCs up there.

I've been to Edmonton a couple times. They have these crazy shows. They take pretty high-level talent. A lot of those guys come up through there and wind up being ufc guys you know high level guys so they have like a good base of mixed martial arts fan up there too and it's plus all right is china gotten into mma at all yes they're getting into it now because uh the dude the weightlifter sean waxman was telling us how china is uh he's like just wait till they get into crossfit because he said you know he said Olympic weightlifting is massive there. He was claiming that Olympic weightlifting is like second to soccer around the world as a sport.

And it's just not recognized really in America. It's not a big sport in America. Really? But around the world, it's massive, like in Russia and China. China – well, there's two billion people in China, and it's a fucking massive sport in China. He's like, just wait till these fuckers get into CrossFit. He's like, just wait, because they're, and so I was thinking the same thing with MMA.

I mean, are they, do they have a history? Because China also, the way they put money into a sport, they like pull you out of your life. It's kind of like Russia used to, and they're like, you are going to be a javelin thr thrower that's what you're going to do for the rest of you are going to be known as a javelin throw like yeah like in if if they start doing the same kind of thing with mma where it's like they're taking young kids that look like they have the size to build the speed everything and going all right you know here we go time to train you that doesn't always work though

really the funny thing is it's like giving someone welfare a lot of times you gotta have to drive yourself yeah you gotta sometimes the the guys who make it through like having shitty jobs and getting to the top so like anderson silva worked at mcdonald's yeah you know what i mean it's there's there's something about that you know john jones was a bouncer with a a young girlfriend with a child you know you know, John Jones was a bouncer with a young girlfriend with a child. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. That's why that dude gutted it up and became a warrior. Yeah, but it's true.

I mean, that's the real story. John has two children, and that's why he dropped out of college. He was going to wrestle for Iowa. Yeah, but if you gave them more of a foundation as a young kid, let's say they had it as a kid, and they weren't pushed into it, but they were doing it a lot younger. What age do kids start doing jiu-jitsu?

Some of them start really young. Some of them start four or five. Really? Yeah. Somebody told me it's not good to have a kid do it because they don't have the cognitive ability. My two-year-olds and my four-year-old choke each other. I teach them how to choke each other. I teach them how to choke each other.

I teach them how to tap out. Because they naturally start wrestling on the bed. So while they're wrestling on the bed, I teach them this is side control and this is how you get out of the guard. You don't want to be here because here she can control you. I teach them real young. So this is a part of their way their body's moving.

If you see my two-year-old and my four-year-old, they have jiu-jitsu matches. My two- two-year-old and my four-year-old, they have jiu-jitsu matches. My two-year-old mounts her, and my four-year-old hip escapes, and she'll pull guard. It's fucking pretty wild to see. But it's just from showing them little natural moves. I don't teach them how to finish each other, but they do anyway. They choke each other, especially the two-year-old.

The two-year-old, she favors a Fedor Emelianenko-style rear naked choke where she grips like this and pulls it across the trach. She likes to trach choke you. She doesn't go for like the jiu-jitsu leverage one. She goes for a real nasty catch lock sort of a choke. It's like Heffron with his cats. Yeah.

Well, it's natural. It's natural that kids roll around and play together, and I just teach them how to get into better positions. That's another reason I wouldn't do jiu-jitsu. I I I Used to when I was a kid when guys would like wrestle in the pool I hated that because I always had this like fear like I surf a lot and when I get hold downs It's it makes me go fucking like I gotta go sit What do you think about that guy that got killed recently in sion in um south africa oh the shark yeah yeah i've surfed down there have you ever seen sharks while you're surfing yeah the other day i was surfing and i went to uh duck dive under a wave it was

and it was about four to six feet or something i go to duck dive and you duck dive you you dip your board below you so it doesn't, the wave doesn't catch it and then you go kind of under the wave. The wave's coming up on me in the face of the wave and I just see a fucking giant fish shoot across in front of me. So it's like a foot away from me and all I can do is rather than like continue my duck dive,

which would have been probably the smartest thing to do, I lifted like back, then thus like throwing me into a backflip like the board me oh my god like board first then my legs back over boom boom boom like getting held down you know what is a duck dive you push the board under the nose of the board under the wave and so that the wave goes over you and doesn't take you with it you actually don't take the force of the wave and so that the wave goes over you and doesn't take you with it you actually don't take the force of the wave and you get through the wave and you end up on the other side this is on your paddle out oh i see i see i see so as i'm about to duck dive through it on the face of the wave i see the fish go oh my god how big how many feet it must have been like four

or five feet and i went away from you or long? Long. And I just went, ah, and went backwards and flipped. And as I'm getting tumbled in the whitewater and going through the wash, I'm like, fuck, like I'm getting held down. So no breath. And I'm like, fuck, trying to get to the surface so I can start swimming as fast as I can. And I pull up and I look back to see if I see a fin or something. And it's a seal. And it's like laughing at me.

I caught a seal once accidentally. I cut the line when I saw it was a seal. We were fishing, and I forget what we were trying to catch, but we were fishing with bait, and all of a sudden the line pulls, and I think I have a giant fish. Yeah, that's fucking big. Yeah, it's a seal. But I've seen...

It sucks, though. You feel like shit. Oh, that would be terrible. It's like catching a bird. They're so cool looking. What is it? Is it a seal. But I've seen... It sucks, though. You feel like shit. Oh, that would be terrible. It's like catching a bird. They're so cool looking. What is it? Is it a seal or a sea lion? What are they?

Sea lions or seals? I think they're two different things. I think they're sea lions. The things that you see off of California, right? Aren't they? Sea lions, yeah. No, but I think what I saw the other day was a seal. I'm pretty sure it was a seal.

You know what's really fucked up, man? Those leopard seals. Have you ever seen those things? I see leopard sharks all the time. Yeah, leopard seal doesn't seem like a real animal. Leopard seal seems like something from Star Wars. It's a seal that's super predatory and has giant teeth, and it's fucking huge. Really?

Yeah, it was in that movie Happy Feet. It was like the enemy in the movie Happy Feet. And that's how I found out about it. That's your reference. Oh, and you found out it was real then? Yeah. Was it Happy Feet or no? It was the actual enemy in the movie Happy Feet. And that's how I found out about it. That's your reference. Oh, and you found out it was real then? Yeah. Or was it Happy Feet or was it no? It was the actual March of the Penguins.

It was the actual March of the Penguins. Because that's their main enemy. That's what leopard seals eat, penguins. That's like their main food. They're so scary. They kill people. They've killed people. They recently killed a photographer.

Some woman got attacked and mauled. Yeah, there's all kinds of things.'ve got scientists or photographers crazy stories of a dolphin i've seen uh but have you ever seen the leopard seal no i've never seen pull up a photo man it's kind of freaky i had uh the shark alarm went off on me in bondi australia what what does that mean i'm i'm surfing and all of a sudden i hear and i'm like what and i just start looking around and every surfer's paddling out of the water. And so my heart started beating. I start paddling as fast as I can.

And I'm thinking, this is probably a regular occurrence. I've surfed in Australia probably 100 times. I'm like, I've never heard a shark alarm, but maybe this is a common thing on a crowded beach. So I start paddling. I look over at the guy next to me, and I go, and just to see what his reaction is. And he goes, he goes. Oh, my God, that's so scary. That doesn't even look real.

Yeah, that does look scary. Click on the one with the big mouth, because most people can't see what the fuck that is. Yeah, that one in the center. That does look scary. Look at those fucking teeth. That shit is ridiculous. It doesn't seem like a real animal.

That's what's weird about it. It seems like something that someone invented in a movie well that's a seal the the the uh the alarms going up i look at this dude and i go uh i look at him and he goes haven't heard that in a long time oh god so i just start paddling it was like and you think you'd like fly out of the water it just seemed like an eternity i'm sure and then i got out and they said somebody somebody called and said they spotted like a four-foot shark or something and they have to get you out of the water but they're out there like i have pictures a guy that owns horizon surf shop in santa monica took pictures in sunset the end where sunset comes out to the pch a fucking giant great white breaching right there oh my god i got it on my iphone i'll show you it's please show it to me and and i've

gone down where that guy died last week that's in cape town i've gone there i went down in the cage with the great whites and saw them i would never surf there i mean i know you've got a there's only like five deaths a year worldwide from sharks and three of them are there south africa's fucking they're all over they happen here too the santa barbara guy got killed just two years ago but seriously five people a year i mean more people died by dogs in california right but you know what you don't think how few people are in the fucking ocean yeah tiny number and you look at it if the whole world was in the ocean god damn it dude it would be a thousand deaths a day if you can find it some guy they talk about your odds it's like one in seven million or 700 billion of getting attacked by shark.

Some guy did the odds then. Like he said, if you're wearing a wetsuit, okay, you look more like a seal. If you're on a surfboard, it looks more like a fish. So if you're by a river mouth where they go to feed, you're increasing your chances. If you're alone, you're increasing your, if you're alone you're increasing your he does the odds and increases the chance and it's it's fucking not it's like one in ten thousand like one in like five thousand yeah that's what i'm saying and that's what i would say this guy so like i surf every but like i've gone thank you logical man whoever you are where they go this

place is sharky and i'm like well how sharky is it like and they're like well There's a there's a salmon feed out there Oh, and they feed off salmon or this one place I went to this place called Green Island in Australia where we had to swim across the shark pit To get to the break what yeah We just swim across the shark pit where the guys I was surfing with had seen a great white and they told me about how They got off and got out of the water and they'd climb up on the rocks and and i'm like dude so the whole time i was out there i'm like i'm not enjoying this and the i was surfing with brazilians and they don't give a fuck they're fucking crazy and they're just like stop being such a pussy and i'm like oh you're so crazy i'm like i i just don't

i'm not fucking feeling good about this this is just they're so used to the water especially if they're from rio So used to surfing. Such a part of the culture down there. When Ari and I were there, we went to the UFC in Rio. Great fucking time. God damn, the food was delicious. They love their meat. Oh, my God.

It was so good. We eat, Brian and I eat at Fogo do Chão all over the country. That's one of our favorite places. We find out, we pull into a town town we find out there's a Fogo we're always like oh let's mark this one off the list but these places in Brazil

this is the motherland it's called the you know chujascaria style oh yeah yeah I fucking so good can you plug that in but like at 9 o'clock

in the morning man not even like 7 o'clock in the morning we were up and we were you know because we were all jet lagged we're looking out on the beach 7 in the morning

people are playing swimming running on the beach. Seven in the morning, people are playing, swimming, running on the beach. They're so much more active and healthy than Americans. You know what's funny about Brazilians? The men dance, too. They're like black dudes. They dance. There's nothing wrong with it. They love dancing. They look at white dudes that don't like it and they're like,

you're an idiot. They're like, you'll never get so much pussy. And it's fun. I hang out with Brazilians in Australia and it's funny because there's kind of like an Australian-Brazilian kind of clash. Oh, there is? Yeah. Why is that? Because a lot of Brazilians come to Australia, and they surf, and they're kind of aggressive, and there's a whole culture clash between the two of them. There's a lot of aggression on the beach, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Supposedly. I serve Venice breakwater every day, which is supposed to be legendary for all this fucking crazy localism. And I've probably had three or four incidents in my life where we've almost gotten out of the water and fought. That's my friend. You need to take some jujitsu. Have your Brazilian friend sit down with you and just show your basic positions no one dude was fucking give me shit one day and all i did was he goes oh yeah let's

get out of the water i'm gonna beat the fuck out of you and i was like really you're gonna beat the fuck out of me he's like yeah i'm like okay uh then you're going to jail because i'm a cop and he went what i go lapd motherfucker you just threatened a cop you're lying to jail because i'm a cop and he went what i go lapd you just threatened a cop you're lying you and he went he went he went uh uh okay oh that's so silly it doesn't work like that off-duty cops don't have like some sort of special license to be but but no he was being the and there's there's some locals that just take it like i'm sure he was i mean this is our area you can't surf here. That's so silly. But has a cop ever done that?

I've never personally had a problem ever in Australia, though, with like Australians are totally cool about like... So it's more of an American thing? I think it's... The localism I've seen in America is way worse. Why is it? Is it because there's a shortage of waves? Yeah, there's totally a shortage of waves.

And because everything's on the computer now, like there's all these sites that'll tell you where the good waves are. Everyone is going to the same places. And so really only one person can catch a wave. Is it easier to learn how to surf now, though? Because you can kind of like get lessons online.

Are there more people surfing? Somebody just Twittered me today and said, tell Joe to have Kelly Slater on the show. Yeah, I met Kelly. I interviewed him at one of the UFCs. A really good dude. Yeah, he loves UFC. Yeah, he's good friends with BJ Penn, and he trains, too.

BJ Penn, I think, is the one that did the CrossFit workout that named it Fight Gone Bad. That might be who it was. Oh, that probably makes sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah. BJ apparently is thinking about making a comeback. He decided to take a lot of time off after the Nick Diaz fight, but apparently the rumor is that Dana talked to him.

I haven't spoken to Dana in a couple days, but Dana talked to him and he said he wants to fight. That'd be awesome. It'd be nice if he wants to, if he actually wants to. But if he's not motivated, there's two BJs. There's BJ the world beater, he's one of the greatest fighters of all time, and then there's unmotivated BJ who just doesn't fight as well. It's really BJs. There's BJ the world beater, one of the greatest fighters of all time, and then there's unmotivated BJ

who just doesn't fight as well. It's really that simple. It's like Tyson after... It's hard, man. BJ's been at the top for so long. You know how hard it must be to try to keep the motivation up, to train so hard that your body...

And he's super natural, too. He's not fucking around with growth or anything funky. He's 100% natural. I mean, he takes vitamins and supplements, but he's not fucking around with growth or anything funky he's he's a hundred percent natural I mean he takes vitamins and supplements but he's not fucking around with anything that's gonna aid in his recovery is you know it's probably why his motivation sucks because everyone else is probably doing that well a lot of dudes do that Todd Duffy guy that we were talking about he's one of the youngest guys that's a got a exemption for hormone replacement you

know and some guys have it because of head trauma. Some guys have hormone replacement because if you're in a sport like football or boxing or MMA as well, when you're getting tagged in the head, it's very possible to damage the pituitary gland. The studies that they've been

doing on high-level combat athletes seem to indicate that there's a certain amount of head trauma will lead to a drop in your testosterone, a significant drop. And it's not from guys that abused, it's guys that were clean. So it's not, there's two ways to damage your system. Well, there's a bunch of ways, but one of them is that you can, you know, disease obviously can damage you. But one of them is you can do steroids when you're young. You do a lot of steroids and your balls just quit.

You just shut them down and break them. And so then you need hormones. Literally, they have to inject you. Like testosterone. Yeah, but those guys, it's always like monster, you know, crazy-looking dudes. Arnold Schwarzenegger and his prime-type dudes where it's like there's no way to achieve those levels without, like, completely jolting your body. You know, so that's one way there's another

way you could if you get bit by the Brazilian wandering spider that kills your dick shut up forever there's a spider called the Brazilian wandering spider called the Brazilian wandering spider that when it stings you it gives you an unbelievably painful hard on

where your body your dick is literally splitting like like a hot dog that you sliced and then pain. dick your dick's here that australia they even have the uh yeah and they win that too yeah and that too because australia's got some pretty badass fighters australia's missing good drugs that's what australia's missing you don't have the ayahuasca that brazil has they have something similar there's a an aboriginal uh elixir that's it's just not nearly as common but it's very similar in the fact that it is uh it's based on the two elements, having a MAO inhibitor and having a DMT that you can take orally. I haven't spent much time with Aboriginal people in Australia,

but my next trip over, and I go about twice a year, I've got a buddy who's decided he was a pro basketball player, and now his new thing, he's filming documentaries about, he goes way into the bush like into the fucking bush and he's filming documentaries and i'm gonna go with him and kind of i've gone up to darwin to the northern territory and just like kind of you know like looked around and stuff but i haven't gotten into it most of the australia is a huge continent fucking as big as america but most of the people live along the coast, right? Yeah, yeah. There's only 20 million people.

Like, we have, what is it, like 300 million? They have like 20 million. Oh, my God. And they all live around the coast. That's why it's so great there. It's amazing. What a great fucking country. It's the best place ever.

I love it. When we were in Sydney, I was like, Brian, what did I say? What do you think I would say if I was in Sydney? You wouldn't go into the bush. No, I would say I could live there. Oh, yeah. It's a great place. He always makes fun of me because everywhere we go that's cool. Like, when we were in the bush no i would say i could live there oh yeah it was a great place yeah he makes fun of me because everywhere we go that's cool like when we're in

atlanta i was like well you used to not only say it but you would like be on the radio station that morning like i think i might live here in your head you were really thinking there was a problem was convincing mrs rogan obviously i moved i moved to colorado i was ready to how'd you pull that what happened there i want to know that why you went to Colorado. I didn't want to live in Los Angeles anymore. Yeah, I don't blame you. Well, first of all, I travel for work. I do the UFC. I travel. I do comedy. I travel. I needed a local comedy scene. Denver has one of

the best in the country. There's a club called the Comedy Works in Denver, and my friend Wendy, who runs it, she does an amazing... You know Wendy? No, she's never booked me ever. What? Never, ever. Why? I don't know. Talk to her. You're hilarious. That's Wendy. How dare you?

Eddie Ift is a fine comedian. I've always wanted to work there. Well, you should be able to pack places now because of your podcast, right? If you don't know, Talking Shit with Jim Jeffries, our friend, and Eddie Ift, they have a podcast together. Yeah, it's amazing how much fans come out now. What's funny? And they're fucking idiots. Like, I was in Atlanta, and these guys wore shirts that said, Eddie Ift has AIDS, and show up at my show,

like a whole bunch of them wearing these Eddie Ift has AIDS shirts, because Jim, you know, did that Google bomb on me. What did he do? What was the Google bomb? He told all our fans to Google Eddie Ift has AIDS, and if you do that, if enough people do it, when you search my name name that's the first thing that comes up in the cache and uh yeah and i'm getting them back i got a whole fucking plan

but uh but so yeah if you type in eddie if it's the first fucking thing and i like even my mom asked me about it oh that's hilarious your mom's googling your name like i had other well she was like trying to get tickets for her friends to my show and she typed in eddie ift and eddie ift has aids comes up that's hilarious i've had ex-girlfriends call me and go what's up we have to talk uh it's so i did kevin and beans april foolishness last week uh at the gibson amphitheater just before i go on stage you know like i'm not a big believer in intros like like a lot of comedians want their specific intro or make me look good or what i'm like if i'm funny i'm funny doesn't matter what the fuck you say right you could say ladies and gentlemen eddie if that's all i care about right

i don't fucking i do you've seen them on this you've seen them on if they've if they know who i am they know who i am if they don't yeah it's not gonna help yeah it's not gonna and i hate community you're like tell them i'm the guy from the saturn commercial or i'm the guy no and the one person that's gonna go oh yeah that's not gonna help you so i just want eddie ift but they had these nice intros for everybody so beer mug that works on the kevin and bean show goes hey uh you like slayer right and i'm like no he goes i thought you liked slayer and i'm like like, no. He's like, because I was going to go, he likes Slayer, he likes tequila, and he likes this, and he has AIDS. Perfect.

And I go, do not interrupt me. Really? I did not want this next comedian coming to the stage has AIDS. That's perfect. You should have taken that and run with it. You should have run with it. Because thank God he told me to. You know when you're walking the stage and you get hit with that like.

Like when I did my first Comedy Central TV show, it was Premium Blend years ago. Harlan Williams hosting. Hey there, buttercup, muffin top, pumpkin biscuits. And my whole closing joke is all about Star Wars. And Harlan right between like from his to mine. You know, they have mine totally scripted. they know exactly what i'm going to say but harlan because he's the host and he's the celebrity he's allowed to do whatever he wants does this big star wars bit no and that's my closer and i'm like walking on the stage just going it's over man still yeah did that to johnny sanchez

during a TV tape. Well, this is Heartland's original bit. Oh, and I'm sure. But, I mean, Mencia did it on purpose. Oh, he did? He used to do guys' bits right before you would do their closing bits before you'd bring them up. What?

Yeah. Really? Listen, man, there's a reason why we went after that guy. I never heard that. That's crazy. Yeah, they were doing, like, Loco Slam or one of those fucking shows. And Johnny Sanchez is a very funny guy and a great dude. Really, really nice guy.

And he had this great joke about a neighbor that actually really happened to him. Like this crazy Persian guy who would always accuse people of parking in his parking spot. And he gets pissed and he speaks his broken English. It's really funny. This motherfucker does the bit like as he's bringing up it's johnny's closing bit so he's going on to a television show he does he does his closing bit that's beyond like like just trying to get a laugh that's like sociopathic oh it's called totally yeah there's a pathology there for sure with that guy unfortunately but

you know i haven't heard anything about it in years so i'm hoping he's not doing it anymore and he's got his shit together now. But, yeah, at the time. So with you, it happened just a total accident. Yeah, it was a total accident, but, you know, at the time, I'd probably only been doing comedy like six years or so, and I was just like, oh, fuck. You don't even have, like, good stage legs in the first six years, right? No, and I was just like, oh, wow.

But it's more than that. It's the whole fucking TV aspect of it where you're like, well, what if I change my final bit now? Are they going to get mad? Because you have to have everything approved. Can you do a bit? Can you do a Star Wars bit after he does it? Is it possible?

It takes a lot of wind out of the sails, right? Yeah, it really did. And it was a shitty joke anyways. But looking back, I'm like. We were in Vegas and it was me and I think it was Joey Diaz, maybe Eddie Bravo. I don't remember. But we were there for some fights, and Harlan was playing at the Palms.

So we went to see him. Great guy. I love Harlan. He's hysterical. Every time I see him, he's just, hey, there, fella. He's super friendly. He's just such a warm guy. Anyway, he goes on, and he's fucking killing.

We're having a great time. All of a sudden, the fire alarm goes on. Like, attention. goes on and he's fucking killing we're having a great time all of a sudden the fire alarm goes on like attention you know something it was like it was it was it was it a fire alarm or an emergency alarm i don't remember what it was like there was but there was a like this crazy really loud thing and harlan played through it for 10 minutes wow he's that he yeah i've watched him deal with every like he's that guy that's funny in every circumstance. You know what he is? He doesn't get mad about shit. He really didn't get mad.

It was kind of funny that this guy was in the middle of his show and he was never like... What was really fucked up was we were just sitting there and we were like, this ain't a real terrorism joke. There could have been fucking Taliban running in with machine guns and shit. The Japanese tsunami would happen and i'd be sitting on the beach because i don't trust any like any time they're like we need to evacuate i'm like fuck off yeah most of the time

in college i stayed in like my 22nd floor dorm room while a fire alarm was going on like i was like they're crazy no because because they would always make us go down come back up yeah that's better than burning to death trust me you're silly you're a silly man i didn't trust them i want to know though why you went to colorado so that well well i just didn't want to live in la anymore i think my my theory is this is what i've always said is that there's there's too many human beings in one spot and it's just like rat population density studies where they take rats and they put two rats in this cage and they're fine then they put four and then by the time you have a bunch you have all these these crazy behaviors you have you know rats sit in the corner or shake in and they the nutty rats

aggressive rats and i just think there's a there's without a doubt you get a certain amount of energy from people you get a certain amount of energy from the people that you're around. And if you're in a tense neighborhood, you absorb a certain amount of that tension. It's very difficult to relax. And whenever I've been to places that have a lighter population, like Boulder, for example, Boulder, Colorado is only 100,000 people. Is that where you were living? Yeah.

Yeah, it's a great place. And you drive around, everyone's driving slow. No one's tense. There's no one running red lights. All the cuntiness of Los Angeles doesn't exist there. And yeah, you got to deal with some snow, but you deal with a nicer class of people. It's because it's people that aren't under the gun.

And you take people out of this environment like me and you put them over there and you calm down. Because ask anybody about Los Angeles. There was just a study that people hate people from Los Angeles. And I said, that's because we always tell you what the temperature is. When you call someone, hey, I'm in Boston. It's 70 degrees here. I'm wearing shorts.

There's that, but please, there's a real issue with why people come here. Like what you said, they should call it Daddy Doesn't Love Me on the sign. That shit's taxing after a while. It's taxing, and it's also that overpopulation thing. Like you take away the traffic out of L.A. Take away the population. It's a pretty nice place. Oh, it's also that that overpopulation thing like you take away the traffic out of LA it's it take away the the population it's a pretty nice place oh it's beautiful mountains and oceans and you know it's it's great but but fuck it's not as nice as Boulder though looking at the the visuals of Boulder what was amazing to me was that you could drive around and you'd look at these mountains is

like this is like if this was a, it would be worth a billion dollars. It's like the most incredible natural piece of artwork, and it's in front of you every day. It has a tangible effect. When you're looking at mountains, there's a place in Colorado that I really like called Evergreen. It's a suburb of Denver. And my God, the view there is insane.

We looked at this one house and I just sat on the porch and I couldn't even fucking believe that they would allow you to live there how long how long did you stay four months and why'd you leave so my wife got pregnant oh you can't you can't we were way high in the mountains we were at where we were was 3,000 feet above Boulder so it was eight thousand five hundred feet It's really high. And you can't be pregnant up there. First of all, even regular women that live in Boulder itself,

which is 5,000 feet in Denver, there's a really high rate of premature births because of the oxygen. There's no air up there, man. I would work out in my yard and do these kettlebell drills that I do, and you'd really feel like there's not enough air in the world you can't get any air it's thin like walk up stairs and you're tired like it's really thin up there so for her it was brutal it was the the morning sickness was intolerable and then on top of that it's just real tricky up there when it's snowing and We were in the mountains and mountain lions and bears and shit.

There's a lot of real stuff up there. Oh, you have cats, yeah. Why a dog got killed by a mountain lion. Drink. Oh, yeah, yeah, that happens a lot. Drink. That sucks. It's just not...

It's very rare that it happens because there's so much for them to eat up there. It's very rare that one will attack a human. But you, every now and then, could be in the wrong place at the wrong time and you find an old one that has, like, yeah yeah doesn't have sharp teeth anymore but it could still kill you oh that would kill me if my dog but it's so gorgeous up there man i was my wife says it's the calmest i've ever been she's ever known me in my life is when we were living you need to go to australia no you know australia is cool but you know there's first of all it's not america so that would bum me out and then uh as cunty as America could be, it's still where I was born.

And I'm used to it here. I could get used to it, like, in terms of, like, if America was the apocalypse and Australia was the way it is now, for sure I'd move. That kind of happened to me, where I went there and I was like, oh, I could do this. I still have family, you know, here. And that's the thing. I can't be that far from my family.

Otherwise, like, Arj is there. Arj went and he's...'s he lives there, right? Yeah, yeah, he's got this big house and lives there. He's a huge superstar with it, right? People don't understand what a big superstar is like if you walk down the street here in America with like a famous act like Like even you how famous you are, you know You're gonna get recognized how like if you walk down like a C Street How often would you get wrecking depends on if there's a bunch of young dudes with tattoos yeah if you see young dudes tattoos most likely you're getting spotted yeah but him like we'll go through a town like adelaide

and every every five feet someone's going arch parker and it's like they saw it's like chick scene brad pitt wow and I go fuck like when you know why would he come to first started hanging out with them I was like you're fucking like super famous you're like Pauly Shore in the 80s famous you know like like like you use that right because you think about it like that's back before people had 500 channels and before people had the internet and before like where you only watched like like five things on tv that's what they have back there well they've just lately i mean they used to have they don't have cable they do have cable but not a lot of people have it do they would do they

get american channels yeah they do and now everybody because of the internet everybody's watching everything on the internet and dvds and everything and and they they take a lot of our movies and put them on tv but shitty movies and shitty sitcoms and everything. And they take a lot of our movies and put them on TV, but shitty movies and shitty sitcoms and stuff like that. Remember when it was impossible, like if you had a DVD from there? It was a different region. Really? Still is.

What is that nonsense about? PAL and NTSC. I don't know, but... Wait a minute. PAL and NTSC does not exist with VHS. Isn't that VHS? No, it's DVDs. DVDs.

DVDs? So like, let's say... Video games. But with VHS, there was an issue with that too, right? Wasn't there? Yeah, yeah. It's always been. It's a signal that I believe that their TVs use, I think.

Because I remember I got a multi-region DVD player just so I could watch the Ali G show from England. Right. Because it's a totally different kind of DVD. If you play, like on my Mac, if I play a PAL DVD, it'll say you only have five more viewings. And my old Mac switched over. What the fuck is that, man?

What is that bullshit? And I had to buy software to convert it back. Really? It was a third-party software? It was fucking crazy. That's so stupid. That doesn't make any sense. It has something to do with the cameras.

Because I remember we were editing, when I made my movie, we had some cameraman overseas. And then we'd have to have all those – all that tape we were shooting on mini TV at the time, we'd have it converted. And it was such a process. And I'd go, why? And they're like, actually, I think there's more pixels or something in a PAL. I'm not sure. Well, it makes sense that there's two different formats. I didn't agree on it.

What it doesn't make sense is your computer can switch back and forth but only five times? Yeah, I don't sure. Well, it makes sense that there's two different formats. I didn't agree on it. What it doesn't make sense is your computer can switch back and forth but only five times? Yeah, I don't understand. Brian, do you know? I have no idea. I never saw that before. I'm sure we're going to get,

all of us are going to get emails and Twitters. Yeah, I'm sure the tweets are going to come rolling. And I'm going to get yelled at for something was inaccurate. Well, you should see the fucking,

what Callan gets, the abuse Callan gets when he comes on here. Starts talking about U.S. history and gets shit. Just misses a whole chapter somewhere along the line. He's not super knowledgeable about a lot of shit, but Callan's one of those dudes who would read a book and then yell at you for not knowing this five minutes after he read it.

Do you realize, okay, Japan, 1945. That's a great impression. But you believe him, too, because he tells it so passionately. He's a great storyteller. That's one of the beautiful things about having friends like Callan or you or Joey Diaz or Jim or any. When you have friends that are comics, it's like, God damn it, it's so entertaining.

When people talk about doing this podcast, like, like well you guys are putting out so many podcasts why is it a lot of work well there's there's work to it you know there's you know you have to upload it like brian has to do the dirty work but as far as like the the work of actually sitting down and talking it's like it's the funnest time ever it's what we do anyway well it's it's a crazy thing it's like we never really took advantage of the resource that was us and our friendships until podcasts came along you know pot like when we had radio shows if you would go on someone's radio show it's very rare that you could just bring in all your friends with you on the radio show and put on you know you had to interact with these djs and that was their thing and that was it so it's like you never really got a chance to like sit down purposely

like we're gonna meet at three o'clock we're all gonna sit down we're gonna smoke some weed we're gonna drink some coffee let's talk some shit about all kinds of things like that would be a great thing to do but nobody ever scheduled shit talking sessions but because the fact that everyone is going to hear about this and it's going to be something that goes on the internet and people are going to enjoy it and then we started doing it and the coolest thing about it like what i love about your podcast is uh you you guys like you just talk and comics are interesting people because we have a lot of time on our hands yeah so we most people have to do their job and that's why they're really good at their job because they do it we do our stand-up and then we have a lot of extra time and our stand-up comes from our extra time of us thinking and philosophizing.

And in doing so, we all acquire lots of hobbies and lots of things we get into and we're all of a kind of weird kind of mindset. Like to be a comic, you have to be a bit OCD, a bit neurotic. There's all these different aspects of it. So you compile all that. You've got like a certain type of individual and so we all have a knowledge base that's like we have generalized knowledge not a lot of specialized knowledge and but we have a general knowledge of all these different things yes and then we're able to also spin humor into it it's fucking it's like the greatest people

to hang out with it's it's amazing and i'm glad that everyone people go aren't there too many podcasts no it's fucking great well not only that, I think it's really cool that right from the beginning, everyone has sort of helped each other out and everyone has promoted each other. From the beginning. I mean, Corolla, and I'm doing Corolla's show in a couple weeks, and when I'm doing it, we're going to record these little things where I do an ad for his podcast. He does an ad for our podcast. Oh, that's awesome.

But we always do that. I mean, Ari texted me know texted me said hey i got this gig coming up i'm recording in denver can i do your podcast yeah sure come on it's like we all work together yeah i can't thank you you help me it's fun it's really cool i mean it's it's a beautiful thing to do it's our our podcast this is no lying i'm not blowing smoke, we get to see the numbers on Libsyn and how we're doing. We get our biggest spikes when I'll do your show. Oh, that's awesome. When I do your show, Jim gets on your show and never talks about our podcast, so fucking nothing happens. He sells more DVDs.

He forgot. Yeah, but I get on here and plug talking shit. Seriously, you can see. What happens is it spikes, and then it'll plateau for a while. And then I'll do your show or Jay Moore's or Corolla's or something, and it'll spike again. So it's showing that the audience is coming, and they like it, and they stay. And that's why I always tell other guys with podcasts, I'm like, come on my show and be a guest. Our audience will then start listening to your show.

Yeah. If they like you on our show, they're going to listen to you. Like, there's a guy, Brian McCarthy, who's the funniest fucking guy alive. He's not a comedian. We have him on our podcast. And he's just, you know, you found these guys. He's just a guy I found hanging out in a comic book. Just a funny dude.

Fucking, the funniest fucking crazy dude in the world. That's his skill. His gift in life is being an interesting dude to be around. And he has a podcast now on National Lampoon, the Brian McCarthy interview show. And he's just fucking, like he came on our podcast one time and just told us,

he told three stories that were three of the best stories I've ever heard in my life. One, he fucked a post-op transsexual and tells the story, and the episode's called I'm Gonna Eat This Dude's Cunt. Oh, whoa. and it's the funniest

story you'll ever hear because he's so brazen but then the next story he told he got arrested smuggling pot from jamaica in a in a boom box when he was 20 years old oh no and stayed in prison for a month because he didn't want to let his mom know oh so so he wrote it out you know you know they set your trial but you can have bail you can post bail and get out so stayed in prison he just stayed in jail and the other dude was crying every day that got caught with him and wanted to call he's like no my mom will kill me oh my God so his mom must have been terrible yeah I thought he was kidnapped his mom was. Yeah, yeah, that's what he said. Imagine that for a pot. He's just the funniest fucking dude.

So I like a guy like that, who the industry has turned their nose up and won't fucking give him nothing. Like Joey Diaz. Until Joey Diaz started coming on this podcast, people didn't realize how brilliant he really is. Because they see him on stage, he's talking about eating ass,

touching your muffler. They're like, we don't want to have nothing to do with this guy. He's too crazy. But then from the podcast, people become big, big fans of his, and they realize that he's complex. We're real lucky in having comedians for friends. For other people, I'm saying this right now, and for sure there's someone out there going,

I don't want a fucking needy-ass comedian as my friend. But we understand each other. A guy like you know like a guy like you or a guy like callan or me or like we if if you and i were if you know if i didn't even know you but we ran into each other in an airport you know and i'm like what do you do i'm a comic oh i'm a comic too what's all right where are you gigging what's going on i mean it would be instant like it as long as you're not a douchebag well stanhope wrote that great great fucking blog about that about running into comics no about why he hates dane cook and you're not allowed to

and and it was fucking genius and it was about like that's funny like but he said to his fans basically he's like at the end of the day if i saw dane cook in like an airport lobby or whatever and i saw you i'd go hang out with dane cook wow he's like because i'd have because i'd have more in common with dane cook than you and i could talk to dane and we have shit to talk about he's like where you you know you're a fan like uh sorry that's a weird way of separating yourself from all your the people no but no no no no the point stanhope was making was he was saying like that everybody like he had a problem with dane and his problem was dane called him a hater and said that he was jealous

of him he's like i'm not jealous of you you know i just he explained why and it was a valid he said look nobody was jealous of chris rock or john stewart or dave chappelle when they got famous he goes we're not jealous of you we're angry angry. And it was a problem because they had this thing over Stan Hope calling him on the phone. And it was just a whole long thing. But at the end of the day, he was saying, you know, like, here's my problems with him. And it's a comic having a problem with a comic over comic issues. Like you people that don't like Dane now, like you fans that don't like Dane, you're jumping on the bandwagon not knowing why sort of

I disagree though because I think a lot of people don't like people because it's just not their style and if you like a certain type of music and I don't like it I'll shit all over that music you know yeah but I mean that's just what people do yeah but it's not an enlightened thing to do no I think there's though now in comedy that so many people are aware of not just comedy like what they like but the clicks of comedy and aware of who's an easy target a safe target yes and and it's like it's like for a while dane was getting bashed so hard that i wanted i just wanted to get on the other side and be like a dane supporter well i'm sure people would have loved to bash chris rock if he had like a chink in his armor or even Dave Chappelle if he had something like wrong with what what he was doing they'd like to go after him too

you know I think when when people look when you're real successful and they look if they find something fuck yeah they're gonna harp on yeah but if they don't find something then you're Chris Rock you know what I'm saying you're just you're just a brilliant comedian that is what it is not stealing it's not not a bullshit yeah it's just you know and i think that's really where it's at because it's not just black guys it's what louis ck nobody hates on louis ck nobody hates on louis ck he's doing ginger except right right you know what i mean i know manager you you might have been with this guy at one point uh james dixon do you know james sure i know james baby yeah he. He said to me when I was like...

He's a great guy. Great guy. Wild man. Some of the best advice I've ever had in comedy. Some smoke hash under a glass. First time I ever smoked hash under a glass. I didn't know he did that. He put it on a pin.

He lit the hash. I thought he was a drug addict. Because I was like 25 and shit. I was like total straight edge. Fucking. I would love to have just been able to see you like like somebody smoking a joint around you or something yeah i'd roll my eyes and i'd be like who's this loser james james said best fucking advice he goes uh he i i used to call him you know i was like 24

years old just doing college starting stand-up what do i do i don't know and he'd go just be undeniably funny and i'd go but what about, like, they're coming to see me, and should I? He'd go, just be undeniably funny. And I'd go, what else? Should I go to acting? Be undeniably funny. He goes, that's your job. I'll do everything else.

Just do that. That's a good agent. And then I said to him recently, I was like, you didn't mention you've got to be undeniably lucky, too. He goes, yeah, I've seen a lot of lucky guys, they've made it big but they've never stuck they don't stick around because they're like lottery winners yeah he's like you gotta really have it and the guys that are like you're saying like chris rock and well you you also it has to be a passion of yours you know i've spent a lot of time doing things that were not a passion of mine and and i spent a lot of time doing other people's stuff like other people's TV shows or other people's, and it was all fun times, but there's

such a massive difference between doing something that you're really passionate about, you know, and putting all that energy and that reward that you get from that. There's nothing like that. That's where real success comes from. Real success comes from transferring that passion, and then people go and experience it, and they feel and it's pure and it's real. You know, when you're, your standup is really just sort of a vehicle for getting out the greatness. It's not inside of all of us, you know, whether that greatness manifests itself in piano playing or the manifest itself. And you know, you're, you're a great basketball player or you're fucking awesome at editing videos that, that what that thing is just, it's just finding

that in yourself and providing something to other people that gives them this energetic reaction, you know, they're sitting in the audience, it's laughter, you know, if you go to see like, honey, honey, you know, it's it's not laughter, but it's this other crazy, weird, satisfying thing where it's beautiful music. You know, it's like that, that is what it's all about. And unless you're doing that, you're not going to be happy. Unless you're finding whatever the fuck it is in life that makes you do something. And it always seems to have something to do with how other people appreciate your work. Because it's like if you're a chef, you want people to appreciate your food.

If you're a carpenter, you want someone to appreciate what you've done when you built this house. It always seems to have something to do with giving something or producing something and creating something that other people feel good about. Whether you're a lawyer who gets a guy out of a tricky situation because you really love the law, you have this passion for the law. Whatever it is, it always seems to come down to how much passion do you have for it and how much does it positively affect people. That's how you got to structure your life. That's why how you got to kind of structure your life. And that's why a lot of people get really lost and they just try to do things for themselves. They just try to get ahead for themselves.

They just try to do well for themselves. And in doing so, you're like a person who's got like this massive vitamin deficiency. Like you're taking all this vitamin D and you're taking all this, but you don't have any C. There's no C in your system. You're missing vitamin love. Like everything you're doing is like a forward move me myself and i i will become selfish until you know until i make it i don't have time to be nice but you don't understand you don't have a choice you will not be happy you won't be successful

if you make it you'll be miserable you'll end up fucked up on booze or drugs or whatever you're at an imbalance point if you're thinking solely of yourself it's like your greatest work and your greatest feelings will all come in creating something that you're passionate about that other people are going to enjoy seems to be that's like that is a big key to life that it has to be to really truly be a happy person you have to be doing something that other people are enjoying as well oh yeah there's no fucking doubt about that because like when i hear people take antidepressants i mean i don't i don't have any any imbalance any mental imbalance that i know of that i if i do it's workable you know but when i hear people taking things to make them happy i go wow man imagine that imagine not being happy

imagine like spending most of your time not being i don't feel that because i'm happy all the time well no i mean i'm not happy all the time i'm a pretty happy person and people have said that to me they're like for a comedian you know comedians are all you're pretty happy and i go well i look for happiness well if you're intelligent you gravitate towards happiness yeah i try to find all the things that make me happy i go surfing that makes me happy yeah i go work out at the gym i like that i love my girlfriend she makes me happy i found her you know like yeah my dogs they make me happy yeah i go out i hang out with my friends like do the things that make you fucking happy like when people go i hate my job i hate my life fucking change i can't yes you can there's ways it's not easy it's certainly not

easy it depends on how you know if you swam all the way out to the middle of the ocean you go i gotta get back to shore. I can't. Well, you got here. It's going to take a long time. You got to get better the same way you got sick. It's not easy to get back to shore. But, you know, if you had swam only a few feet and didn't get a mortgage and didn't have kids and didn't have 20 years and waiting for your pension, and then if you just get out in six years, then you'll have full health insurance until you're dead.

You know, there's people that, like, cannot ever pull the trigger to jettison themselves i know i just i just had this argument with a friend who was telling me they're depressed and i said well like look what do you need you know what would like let's take the steps and they're like uh can i get a coconut water they're like uh oh you know that's not the thing you say to someone that's depressed that's and i'm like look i'm here to say let's let's find the path what does that mean man what does that mean that's not the thing it's not you one universal thing you say to someone that's depressed and i haven't read the book about what i'm not supposed to say to people that are depressed i don't know what what's going on in someone's head because i know for sure i'm wired

different than other people i've reacted different and how've reacted different. And how much of it is nature? How much of it is nurture? What the fuck do I know? I don't even think that's an exact science, by the way. I think there's a lot going on in the school of psychology. There's a lot that's theoretical, and there's a lot of shit going on. They still don't know exactly why a person is the way they are. So I don't know what the fuck makes someone happy.

Have you seen the stuff the dude that teaches the class on happiness at Harvard? He teaches a class at happiness? There's a class. I think it's Harvard Business School. You can watch some of his stuff. Well, I'll tell you what wouldn't make me happy. Teaching a class on being happy. That shit would not make me happy.

Well, this guy. No, but he talks about some cool shit. He apparently it's like the most coveted class at Harvard. It signs up and you can't get into it because it's the first one. Is it easy credit? No. Yeah, it sounds easy as fuck. This is a puppy.

Does it make you happy? But he's got something. Cheeseburgers make me happy. He's done a lot of studies think one of them was he said that after $70,000, like in America, after you make $70,000, your happiness is not congruent with your financial level. That's bullshit. That means you got bad friends. You don't learn how to party properly.

That's a pussy. He doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about. Who are you hanging out with, dude? Let me tell you something. We could do some damage with some money. Hold on. Hold on. I got a friend who has who

literally is a i shouldn't even talk about this i let you say i've got to figure out how to filter it i got a friend with a lot of money okay like a lot of money okay and this friend used the money for a while he didn't okay and then i was like dude do you know what you can get with what you have and then it clicked one day and then he had slip and slides on the top floor of the fucking win with chicks naked fucking running down the slip and slides well fucking uh uh midgets dressed in or little people dressed in stormtrooper outfits are serving him drinks that's awesome like he went and did it sounds like a douchebag no but i mean he just sounds like heaven He just did the Michael Jackson thing where you have so much money

You're like I want to live in a tree and I want to have a monkey and I want to have you know Like you just started going fucking crazy and like let's see how we can just spend this money, right? And you know the next thing, you know, he's just totally fucked up, you know, just yeah, you know It's just it crippled him mentally and you know He ended up in rehab and all kinds of shit. That can happen when you're looking for that empty happiness. Yeah. Or you're looking for happiness through substances.

You know, and people say, oh, you're a hypocrite, dude. You're getting high all the time. First of all, I take weeks off. I don't have to get high all the time. I like getting high. It's good for you. I think marijuana is one of the only vices that i really don't have any problem with as long as you get all the other shit done in your life and you use it to enhance

things i was just gonna say my agent in australia is the fucking greatest guy that's ever lived and my agent gets everything done on all the time and he's fucking amazing and and and he joked with me once he said about like getting high like you can be productive on i know so many mass like productive fucking people with marijuana super productive yeah a lot of writers beyond rush yeah like people get shit like the the mentality i am if i smoked pot i'd be way more productive because when i used to smoke it i was better but i i just can't smoke well you just had one bad thing that's who did you what did you tweet me about this yeah we talked about this on the green room yeah he tweeted me he was in horror just couch watch Joe was my go-to guy and I thought here's a guy that's

gonna talk me down off the ledge like you just need your your your medicine like and it could be like like a lot of people say milk helps you when you have a bad trip from shrooming. Even if it doesn't, you have that in your head. Somebody told you milk. Do you have milk around? You ever have that happen again? You drink a glass of milk, you'll feel it go well. I started getting panic attacks from it and people

told me, like Bert Kreischer told me, to get Xanax. I'm like, I'm not taking Xanax. And he's like, stick with the milk. He's like, take Xanax. I'm like, I'm not taking xanax and he's like stick with the milk he's like take xanax i'm like i'm not taking xanax and he goes you just put in your pocket he goes you don't ever use it but you know it's there it's like it's a silly bitch like i think bert was the one who told me it sounds like bert oh no no i go bert do you ever go, you ever have a panic attack?

And he goes, fuck every day. And I go, what do you do to stop them? He goes, have kids. Wow. Cause I said, I was having, that's what it was. Your self indulgence has get, gets a backseat. I was, yeah, I was having trouble getting a lot of the, like the anxiety was happening on planes and stuff.

And like when I'm claustrophobic and they locked the doors of the plane,'m like i want off this fucking plane like when that pilot flipped out i'm like i get it yeah i'm always afraid i'm gonna be that guy they're all yeah i have like a claustrophobia thing of like like you could fly so much so much and and and i don't like i don't like sitting on a runway i like when we take off i like i don't like when we pull up the gate and they're like oh we're not going to be able to pull up the gate and they're like oh we're not going to be able to pull into the gate for another 20 minutes that's when i'm like what is it about the fucking control freaks that's what it is it is a control freak you gotta someone said something to me a long time ago this comedian tony v and it literally it became a tool that i use in

my life he was driving back and forth from boston to new york on a regular basis and that's a long drive a couple hours at least even if you're going fast. And I said, I go, how are you doing that every day? And he goes, I just go zen. I'm in my car and I go, this is what I'm doing. I'm driving the car. And that's how much time it takes. And I don't worry about it. I just do it. And I was like, wow, that is the way to think about it. Because it's like you'd start, goddammit, why don't they pull this thing and you realize like how much energy is wasted on something that you're never going to have any effect on whatsoever and if it takes two hours to drive somewhere it takes two hours to drive somewhere unless you hit a fucking wormhole and

find yourself on the other side somehow you know it takes two hours to drive there you just have to go zen and he it's a tool it's a tool i use now so whenever i'm in any sort of a situation where you know if it's bad weather or if it's what i just go this is what i'm doing now i heard some fucked up shit recently about flying and pilots this girl i know told me like i can't say who it is i can't say what airline or whatever but she knows this uh pilot and uh she he was talking about how he had to go to work and he she does all that sucks are you tired and she goes he's like that's why I can't wait to go flying like that's when I get the best sleep I guess like when they take off the end of the co-pilot is fucking sit there push a button go to

sleep and then get wake woken up you know when they're like near the city why's that scary because it's just like if you imagine like going into a cockpit of an airplane everyone's fucking sleeping yeah one guy stays awake at a time I think they probably do shifts but um I think the way those autopilot things work unless there's a situation where they're running a crazy weather and they wake right the fuck up I don't think it's that big of a deal it seems like it should be but it's not like you're driving on a windy road you're just flying in a direction yeah they put it on autopilot and it just goes i know a chick who's a pilot uh who uh she's a and i'm not gonna tell you the airline but she uh

she another pilot while they were flying oh what a commercial airliner what a dirty bitch and she wasn't flying the big ones but she she was flying maybe like a two and a one. Two seats on one side, one on the other. Can't even make the big leagues. She's up there fucking riding a dude. That's nice. I know. And I thought about that.

I'm like, I would like that. I would like to know. Yeah, I would like that. That if there's a female pilot up there, she's fucking up there. That makes me feel good. It's Ari Shafir and I were on a plane once. And the woman comes on over the loudspeaker hello this is your pilot and ari goes what a woman what and we're like oh no

i hate that uncomfortable it was just dude don't do this don't do this right now. Jim Jeffries was on a plane that a dude died on the plane. I would hate that. Was with his wife. Oh, my God. And he dies. Oh, my God. And it's like fucking like England to Australia or something. Oh, my God.

So he's dead on the plane. He's dead. I go, Jim, what did they do? And he goes, they like took him to the back and like covered him with like a blanket. And I'm like, oh, my God. What did she do he goes she just sat there oh my god i can't imagine i watched the lady go into a seizure it was really creepy man it was weird it was right after september 11th too she was right behind on

a plane yeah she starts to start seizureing and they go it's okay it's okay it's okay this happens sometimes i guess epileptic people they just they just go into seizures yeah yeah i've seen that a Starts seizuring. And they go, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay. This happens sometimes. I guess epileptic people, they just go into seizures. Yeah, I've seen that a bunch. My friend Jay, Jay Helfert, he's a pool player and spent most of his life gambling and playing pool. He's playing this guy, and in the middle of the set, the guy falls down to the ground and starts bucking and kicking and making these noises,

and the guy was losing. And he assumed that the guy was doing it to try to get out of the game because like you know dudes will do things to shark you they'll do things to distract you and he was looking at like wow this is a new one this guy is faking a seizure but really the guy was an epileptic and it was like a normal occurrence like he'd be in the middle of his day and he would just fall to the ground and start bucking and twitching and and so he didn't help him he didn't help him did the guy die someone helped him someone came over there's a there's a video on youtube i think you can find it and we played it on our podcast there's a comedian that died on the stage in england died fell off the stage and died well fucking gallagher's had like 18 heart attacks on stage i know this guy just

fell off the back of the stage but he was that kind of comic too. So they think it's part of his act and then eventually his son runs on stage and kind of is like, this isn't a joke. That'd be kind of a cool way to go. I agree.

You know, why not? What's better, that or Shark? You would kind of ruin the show. Yeah. Maybe. Shark would be horrifying. Maybe it would make it better. What if you were bombing and that was how you pulled yourself out of it?

I saw a guy do that on a golf course once. He died? He's standing, no, somebody misses a putt and he just does a feint. And I thought, that's a fucking cool trick to like, you're going pretty far to show how bad that affected you. Right. And I'm sitting there, and all of a sudden I see a woman jump off, like, over the railing of, like, a six-foot-high porch. Jump over it and just sprint down to it. And I went, oh, that's. And so I just ran and called 911.

And I was like, fuck that. And what happened to him? He died. They said he was dead when he hit the ground. Which is a heart attack or something? Yeah. Sometimes it just stops, man. You ever blow a piston in your car, just driving down the highway, and bang, black smoke.

You pull over the side of the road. Have you ever thought you were having a heart attack and then you burped? No. I get indigestion. Is that bad? I've gotten indigestion so bad where I'm like, fuck, I'm getting these crippling chest pains. And I'm like, I guess this is it. I'm going. That's crazy. And then all of a sudden I'll burp

and I'll be like, I'm going to live. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Really? Have you ever had that? Yeah, I get it all the time. I get it. My heart runs like every day. I'm pretty convinced someone died. My heart double beats. It freaks out. You get double beats? It's mostly all because of like, oh yeah, I had

onions on my subway. Onions? Onions can fuck you up up shit like that fucks me up i don't i don't get it anymore because i'm i'm a nerd about my diet i eat the paleo diet and uh and i fucking am religious how did this because how did you become this fitness nut i mean because you that your your choice of attack is like crossfit like how did that i i ran track in college like all my life and then got into like i was an ocean lifeguard and i was doing like ocean lifeguarding competitions and stuff like that and then i got into like triathlons and i was always doing it on the slide it was almost like i'd go out and party really fucking hard like really hard for like

two weeks and then i would go like feel shit about myself and try to clean up and then i'd go like and it was like here and there here and there and then finally i just said all right this has got to fucking stop i'm a mess like i'm a mess like i was i when i'd go to the uk i'd spend three months over there where i would drink at lunch and we would go out for lunch for beers and i would drink till showtime drink you. You know, they bring me a couple of pints backstage at the show, do the show and they go out and party all night. And and I'd come home from England just feeling like a piece of shit. And and I was like, I better do something. So I started I started working out and then I found that I was I liked body work, body like body-ups, push-ups, sit-ups stuff, because I didn't want to get big, because I like to run still.

And I found the Navy SEAL workout, so I started doing Navy SEAL workouts online. And then they said, we don't have a workout today, go to CrossFit. And I was like, what's this fucking CrossFit thing? So I went to CrossFit. I'm like, what is this fucking weird community of people? And it's fucking weird, dude. It is a weird group of people. It is a weird group of people they're and it's weird dude it's a weird group it is a weird group of people the idea is they're different exercises every day every day you're shocking your shock in your

system with metabolic conditioning it's a combination of gymnastics weightlifting and sprinting and uh and it's for it's the whole idea is the prepare for the unknowing like you never know what you're gonna get like in weightlifting you might do your legs one day and then you take a week break to let your muscles recuperate but if you're a mixed martial arts guy or a cop or fireman or a military guy you don't know what's happening day two so they might throw fucking legs at you day two and day three like you so you that's not good though not good in one aspect but good in another your adaptation levels start getting higher and higher tear your ligaments not necessarily because if you

learn good form which is what they try to teach you is learn the proper technique and then you won't have the injuries and you won't have the problems but aren't you like the whole idea about working out is supposed to give your body time to recover well they're not like a battle a seesaw if you like i'm a three day on one day off guy three days on one day off three which is what they prescribe but you look at the guys who are now at the competitive level the guys that are competing that are the top crossfitters in the world like if you look up this guy rich froning jr just watch any youtube video of him you're gonna go this guy's in human inhuman like this is impossible what he's fucking doing.

You want to see impossible? Brian, pull up Goggins Ironman. G-O-G-G-I-N-S Ironman on YouTube. There's this fucking dude who's a Navy SEAL. And it's some of the fucking craziest shit. The dude who came in second at the CrossFit Games last year is a SEAL. They call him the toughest athlete on the planet. This dude regularly runs...

Where does it say? Does it say Goggins Ironman in the upper left-hand corner? Yeah. Yeah, click on that. This dude ran a 48-hour race. It's a mile track, and you run for 48 hours. Just wrap your head around that. That's ultramarine.

No brakes, no brakes, no rest. The guy that runs CrossFit Endurance. for 48 hours. Just wrap your head around that. No breaks. The guy that runs CrossFit Endurance. But what it is, is you're pushing your limits. Listen to this. I know, I'm the black kid. Just to test my soul. To see what I'm about.

To see in a 150 mile race at mile 75 when I feel really bad. That's when you know. That's the only time you can find out what the human body is all about. Yeah, I've seen 150 in a week. So I'll try and put in about 450 miles a month. Running. Usually every day I wake up at 3 o'clock in the morning, and I run anywhere from 10 to 15 miles in the morning.

And then I live about 25 miles from work. So I get my bicycle, commute into work, do a normal work day at lunchtime around noon. I'll run again. It's an ultra marathon. Eight miles, whatever it may be. Come back, work,

and around 5.30, I'll ride back home, 25 miles on my bike. If I'm feeling good, I've considered doing one of these. Hold on, hold on. five miles on my bike if i'm feeling good i've considered doing one of those off the bike and do like a short three or four or five mile run that's my everyday life so i don't just train like an hour or so i train until something is uncomfortable and then that's when you know who

you are jesus christ there's there's a thing called crossfit endurance hold on listen to it say this about this. It just never ends. This 48-hour run. I mean, I've done some races where you're on a one-mile track, and you're running for 48 hours straight. So imagine running 48 hours and running a one-mile track. It's not like you're sleeping. You're running for 48 hours, as many miles as you can get.

I want to talk about mind torture. Yeah. I think it's so fascinating that there's dudes that are constantly trying to explore the limits of what you can pull off. Well, we were just talking about this yesterday. We had Andy Petronic on who owns CrossFit LA on our show and he was talking about where it's come from and what it goes. It used to be that guys, they used to give awards for if you could do like 40 pull-ups like that was there's guys that blow out 107 in a row now like i can do now do they do

straight arm no we do a kipping pull-up but i can do 40 in a row like without even thinking can you really fucking simple do you grab it uh palms outward or palms towards you i go palms outward and it's just like when we jump rope, you jump two at a time always. And now it's advancing to three at a time and like three swings under your feet each jump. And it's just you're learning that like man just evolves and gets better and better and adapts to things. Like we have a workout called we have a workout called Murph, where you run a mile, then you do 100 pull upsups, then you do 200 push-ups, 300 air squats, and then you run. 300 air squats?

Yeah, and then you run. You can break it up in any order. So we do like 5, 10, 15, 5, 10, 15. Wait a minute. You're talking about Hindu squats where you go all the way down to your heels? The crease of your hip has to break the crease of your knee. So your hip has to go below. So your ass does not touch your heels?

No. Your hips, though, have to go below your knee so you're okay so you're not your ass does not touch your heels no your your your your hips though have to go below your knee crease okay and that's not quite as as hard as hindu squats but i can't imagine that you can do all that and do 300 so you run a mile then you do 100 pull-ups oh my god 200 push-ups which we do chest uh hand release push-ups so your chest touches the ground you release your hands and then then go up. And you're thinking, that's easier? No, it's harder, trust me. Your chest is touching the ground

on every push-up. And then you do 300 air squats, then you run a mile. That's called MRF. That's a workout. Now, add to it now a 20-pound weight vest. But without a 20-pound weight vest,

a guy in our gym did it in like 24 minutes. And he did it, like it takes me like 36 minutes or something to do it. He did it in like 24 minutes, and he did it, he was doing his miles in like 515 or 520. Like a mile, he would run in 5, and then go do all that. With a backpack on. No, he didn't do that one with the 20-pound vest. It goes substantially higher with the vest on.

But the times are just coming down and down and down, and the pull-ups and the weights are going up. What about injuries? Are people getting more injured? I think people do sustain injuries, just like they would in MMA and everything else. Well, we have a big problem with that in MMA these days. You are having it.

And I think with the NFL, we talk about that on my show a lot, because my girlfriend's dad's an ex-NFL football player, and he's got two artificial hips, two knee surgeries, and two shoulder surgeries. Jesus Christ. I mean, they become like bionic men. How's his dome? He's pretty good. He's a very successful businessman.

But, like, I got a buddy who's a CrossFitter who's a Super Bowl fucking – he's a CrossFitter now now but he was in the super bowl this guy's won the super bowl he's won national championship in football and national high school championship in football and he is uh you know he's got all these injuries from football but like he'll tell you that crossfit's like keeping them in the game because like there's nothing better for your back they say than doing deep back squats huh you know, like that's fundamentally what's good for your spine. Now, if you're doing it with improper form, you're going to fuck yourself up. You're going to fuck your body.

When you go deep, when you do a deep squat, like how far down does your ass go? All the way? Same kind of thing where I'm going to – mine goes really deep because that's where you're going to get your explosiveness at the top. Like people don't understand. They think, oh, I don't want to go that low. And I'm like, I want to get as low down as I can because right there is where your nerve are going to fire and you're going to be able to explode out.

Dude, we need to get you to do jiu-jitsu. You're overflowing with manly exercises and you don't have an outlet for them where you can see your progress other than the exercises themselves. You know, we've got to get you in. You want to come tonight? What are you doing tonight? You want to come with me? You know what? It'll be the fucking panic of me., we got to get you in. You want to come tonight? What are you doing tonight? Want to come with me?

You know what it'll be? It'll be the fucking panic of me. I've been choked out before. No, you won't. Listen, you don't spar your first day, man. You learn some moves and you learn positions with people. It's not like you're just allowed to get mauled.

It's also Callan told me once. I was talking to Callan because I wanted to take Krav Maga. I had dinner one night with John Mayer and John Mayer is a big fucking Krav maga i had dinner one night with john mayer and uh john mayer was is a big fucking krav maga guy he loves it yeah yeah he loves that shit and i had just been robbed i had a guy break into my house while i was there whoa i'm upstairs in my house i come down the steps there's this black dude for david king and i go

uh who's david king he goes no he goes is this his house and i go no he goes oh must have the wrong place he walks out the door and i'm like the fuck so i kind of walk out my dog was a puppy at the time i didn't want to run in around so i follow him out and then i take the dog back up so i come back out i go yo dude what's what who's david king and he kind of looks at me and then he starts to run and he's already he's got about 150 meters on me and i i was like i i ran division one track and in college and i was a sprinter and i'm like this dude has no idea how fast this white guy is and I'm gonna fucking catch him. Why would you do that? I'm like I'm gonna catch

this because you know he was just in my house he just fucking robbed me and I'm like oh oh oh when I took the dog back in as I go inside I see my pants were on the couch and I look and the wallet's out of the pants and everything stripped out of the wallet so when I go back out I go that's when I sprinted after him.

So you're ready to die for your credit cards. Yeah, yeah. No, no, I don't know. What the fuck? This is why I'm telling you my aggression problems. You should really. So I chase this dude. I'm like, fuck.

And when I turned the corner, he had just disappeared. Thank God, because I live in Venice. And my buddy's like, like dude he's a shoreline crip he would have come back that night and put a bullet in your head you're an idiot yeah you're an idiot that's right so so you know in retrospect but so i i tell john mayer about this and mayor goes you got to read the book gift of fear he's like read that book and he's like and then go take krav maga so i tell callan i'm going to Krav Maga and Callan goes, no, no, not you. You will bring it on yourself.

He's like, if you know how to use it. It's like having a gun in your house. Yeah, he's like, so I don't have a gun. I don't have fucking anything. That's good to tell people on the internet. I tell you what, I got guns. You come to my house, I'm going to choke the fuck out of you if i get a hold of you look i don't i disagree with count um i if anybody had a lack of self control as a young man it was me that's one of the reasons my parents didn't actually want me

doing martial arts because they were worried that i was going to start using it on people that was the number one fear in our house i had to convince them they wouldn't do that but you wouldn't do that you'd get self-disciplined. But it allows you, at least if that guy jumped on you or attacked you or didn't have a knife or something where it was a weapon and you're in trouble, at least you could kind of defend yourself. You put yourself in a better position. And it's a great way to exercise,

a great way to blow off steam, and it's interesting. You're actually learning something. You're learning a language, the language of how to strangle people, how to break arms, how to get to positions. And you learn these moves. I mean, the interaction between two human beings and their grappling, there's an infinite

number of positions and moves and different places to go to. So it's very intellectual. Jiu-jitsu is really completely underappreciated as an intellectual exercise. I already threaten enough people. You wouldn't do it, man. I never threaten people. You wouldn't do it. I've been doing martial arts my whole life.

I don't think I've ever said, I'm going to kick your fucking ass to someone. I do it on stage once a year. That's crazy. I don't ever do that. At least once a year, somebody will push me. Like you were saying, Harlan, I laugh through everything.

But at a certain point, I have a snap where I'm just like, that's it. That's so dumb. That's going to get you hurt, man. Come to jujitsu with me tonight. What are you doing tonight? Come watch. He doesn't want to touch other guys. That would be silly.

I don't want to roll around. Where do you go? Do you go to 10th and Lee? Hollywood, yeah. Come with me. I have to go to Hollywood for something. You're coming. Not tonight. I'll go another night. There is no tomorrow, yeah. Come with me. I have to go to Hollywood for something. You're coming. Not tonight.

I'll go another night. There is no tomorrow, Rocky. Like Apollo Creed said, there is no tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow is good. I got a bulging disc right now. You fucking... Just watch.

I'll go. Just watch. I'm not telling you to get in there and get crazy. You have a bulging disc. Whoa. I'm going to have to go roll some guys. Brian will set you up with someone to take care of that. Well, listen, man. listen man been a fun pause guy the flat we've done like three hours man time we really buy pretty close two hours and something always dude always a

good time my brother always good to see you always good to run any time you want to come on man you know fucking awesome I love fuck yeah dude and I got to come on yours someday we'll do it. Our fans ask us constantly. Do you do it once a week now? Is that what you're doing? We've always done it once a week. We do Monday nights, and that's the problem because you wrestle on Mondays. Yeah, most of the time.

But I'll take the night off. I'll do it in the day. Okay, Eddie Ift and Jim Jeffries have a podcast on iTunes. It's fucking awesome. Please check it out. It's called Come See Me at the Hollywood Improv. It's not talking shit because they pulled it off. Talkins Hit.

Talkins Hit. Oh, I get it. So you just moved to Space Oak. Very, very clever. Talkins It. Hit. Talkins Hit, ladies and gentlemen. I'm at the Hollywood Improv this Saturday. Two shows. I'm headlined. Oh, that's beautiful. The Hollywood Improv on Melrose,

one of the best clubs in the whole country. It's an amazing spot. It's like really intimate seating and it's going to sell out. So if you're interested, go online and just Google. You know how to do that shit.

I'm going to rush you. You're going to rush the stage? Oh yeah, somebody got rushed on the stage there. Randy Kagan. Do you know the story? I don't know him, but I saw the whole thing

and he has no idea why the guy went up there. The guy just went crazy? Yeah, just fucking decked him. What was he talking story? I don't know him, but I saw the whole thing, and he has no idea why the guy went up there. The guy just went crazy? Yeah, just fucking decked him. What was he talking about when the guy decked him? He was doing a joke on California. The guy wasn't heckling previously. There was no fucking reason or rhyme or reason.

He was just crazy. Yeah. That happens. You go out there in the world, you can run into crazy people. That's why I should know Jiu-Jitsu. It helps. It helps. It would help you tremendously, dude,

especially telling me you're threatening people once a year come on son life is short enjoy this shit thank you to everybody thank you for

all the love on Twitter and Facebook and all that stuff and we appreciate the fuck out of you guys and thanks again for everybody

who came out to Atlanta this past weekend for my filming couldn't have been better you guys are the shit we're beyond lucky to be in the situation where we have a show like this. I don't know how the fuck it happened.

Brian, do you know how it happened? The internets. The internets? Yeah, but I mean, something happened. It all coalesced together in some sort of a magical form, and we're very fortunate, and we think about that all the time. We were very appreciative.

So thank you very much to everybody. Tomorrow, Mad Flavor, a.k.a. Joe Diaz. What the fuck, cocksucker? He's going to come down and regale us with stories of old school criminal adventures and his ball sack, which by the way, got him kicked off of Facebook. Purple vein. Hysterical.

That is so fucking funny. The cover of his documentary, he decides, Joe Rogan, this is going to be the cover of my documentary. He's going to say, this is it. rogan this is going to be the cover of my documentary it's going to say it's going to this is it it's beautiful it's my balls and they're hanging out there with fucking there's a vein a beautiful vein in my i'm pulling out and it says where i got my balls that's the name of my of my special my documentary wouldn't that be like his dad's balls then yeah you would assume i mean it's just it's a metaphor. But so he's going to change it and it's going to be

the actual picture. He's a two-pronged attack. The first prong is show people his balls, create a shock wave, which I guess he's achieved. And then prong two is a different photo

that he has already prepared. Clever Joey Diaz. He is. He's the man. I can't wait. I'm going on tour with him. Yes, you are. And the first gig in Columbus is sold out, right? The I'm going on tour with him. Yes, you are.

The first gig in Columbus is sold out, right? The first show in Columbus is sold out. The second show, there's some tickets left. That's May 17th. May 18th, that's Cleveland. How do people find out about this? Just go to DeathSquad.tv. It's right at the top. Powerful. DeathSquad.tv. That's it.

We'll see you guys tomorrow. Thanks for everything. I can't thank you guys enough. You guys are the shit. Thank you to the Fleshlight for being our first and original sponsor of

the podcast. Go to Joe Rogan dot net. Click on the link for the Fleshlight enter in the code name Rogan and you will get

yourself a big fat juicy 15 percent discount for a real good product. Eddie did you want one. I have one. Do you want one.

Sure. Boxes. OK. Eddie is going to fuck one tonight maybe perhaps he has a girlfriend. Maybe he won't do it tonight. Do you want one? Yeah, sure. Boxes. Okay. Eddie is going to fuck one tonight, maybe, perhaps. He has a girlfriend. Maybe he won't do it tonight.

He'll take it on the road if you're really brazen. I'll just do it in front of her. Whoa, you're an animal. I love it. That's CrossFit coming out of you. Thanks to Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, makers of Alpha Brain, Shroom Tech Sport, Shroom Tech Immune, and New Mood, the 5-HTP enhancing supplement. All the answers to all your questions are on Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T.

Please Google nootropics. Do your due diligence before you take any supplement. Don't expect miracles, but expect it to actually increase your brain's ability to process information, and it makes you talk cleaner. It actually pumps up your body's ability to produce neurotransmitters. It's all very controversial, but something that I absolutely stand by and believe in. The first 30 pills, when you order it,

it's 100% money-back guarantee. You're not going to get ripped off. You don't like it. You try it like this isn't for me. You get all your money back. You don't even have to return the product. All right? That's it.

Go to JoeRogan.net. Click on the AlphaBrain link. Enter in the code name Rogan and you will get 10% off any and all orders. Kettlebells are coming. They should be here probably in the second week of May. The first wave of kettlebells. The second wave are going to blow your

fucking mind, but they're taking a long time to build. I can't wait. They're so ridiculous. How ridiculous are they? I just can't wait to talk about them. I'm not even exaggerating. You guys have your own kettlebells? I'm going to show you something that's going to blow your fucking socks off, Eddie Ift. That's it, you dirty bitches. We love you from the bottom of our black

monster hearts. I don't even know what that means. I'm stealing Lady Gaga's names now. See ya. Bye. I ran out of words. Bye.