The Joe Rogan Experience - #2093 - Sober October Crew

Episode Date: January 26, 2024

Bert Kreischer is a stand-up comic, podcaster, and actor. He's the host of "The Bertcast" podcast and YouTube cooking program "Something's Burning." He's also the co-host of the "2 Bears, 1 Cave" podcast with fellow comedian Tom Segura. Watch his latest special, "Bert Kreischer: Razzle Dazzle," on Netflix.  www.bertbertbert.com Tom Segura is a stand-up comic, actor, podcaster, and author. He co-hosts two podcasts, "Your Mom's House," with his wife, comic Christina Pazsitsky, and "Two Bears, One Cave," with comic Bert Kreischer. He's also the host of his own podcast, "Tom Segura en Español," and is the author of "I'd Like to Play Alone, Please: Essays." Watch his latest special, "Tom Segura: Sledgehammer," on Netflix.  www.ymhstudios.com Ari Shaffir is the host of "The Skeptic Tank" and "You Be Trippin'" podcasts. Watch his latest comedy special, "Ari Shaffir: Jew," on YouTube.  www.arishaffir.com

Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night! All day! You looking for me? Hi buddy. You wanted the picture? He lives in New York too, where no one wants to talk to anybody.

Is that the one? His, Dice Clay's, his Instagram is performance art. They don't appreciate it because performance art is snobby. And you think you have to be left-leaning, liberal, super fucking progressive. That's the only way you can have performance art. But no, what Andrew Dice Clay is doing is some of the best wild performance art. The hat. The king's hat.

I saw this one. The king's hat. The hat. The king's hat. The hat. What about the hat? The king's hat. I'm saying I can see that you're a fan. No, we're talking about my co-worker. Oh no, if you wanted a picture

I would, you know. I see that. A picture? No, you wanted the picture with me. No. Yes, no? You want me to take you a picture? No, I thought you wanted a picture and I wanted...

No, I'm just a simple person. All right. All right? I just said the king's hat and I haven't even worn it in four years. All right, take care. He does this to so many unsuspecting people. Take care. He does this to so many unsuspecting people.

First of all, is this even legal? Wait, did you see the one with Matt Sherman? Is this even legal? Did you see the one with Matt Damon?

No. No. He just got Matt Damon? He got Matt Damon? Get Matt Damon. No, he didn't. Matt Damon's at the fucking airport

having a beer and a burger. No. And he goes, I'm getting anxiety. You just gotta see it. It's so fucking good. It does. It feels good. No. And he goes. I'm getting anxiety. You just got to see it. It's so fucking good. It does.

It feels good. It's so fucking good. And Matt Damon is the sweetest animal alive. He just looks at him like, huh? Huh? And by the way, Matt Damon's at fucking LAX in Delta just having a burger and a beer like a regular fucking dude. He is just hanging out.

You got to find the video. He seems like a very normal guy. But he's like, this is why I don't do this. I've only had a couple interactions with him. I think that's fucking Southwest. This isn't even a lounge. No, it's not a lounge. Right.

And the face. His face with the glasses. The picture? What's that? The picture? With the face? No. No.

Matt Damon has no fucking idea. He has No. Matt Damon has no fucking idea. He has no idea. He has no fucking idea. Now, here's the question. Is that legal? Sort of. Sure. But is that legal?

You could just take some guy who's working in an upholstery shop. Yeah. And Andrew Dice Clay is like, you wanted the picture? He does it on street corners a lot. So you're in public, right? And if you're in public, you can be filmed. Which is also wild. Which is wild.

It's kind of wild. And you can be filmed against your knowledge. It's kind of wild. My favorite is when those young white kids do it to just black dudes. And then they're like, hey, did you want me to kiss me on the lips? And the guy goes, no, you're talking to the wrong motherfucker. And he's like, in a second. And then he just jaws the dude and knocks him unconscious.

And you're like, that's even. There's a bunch of those that go sideways that are stupid. It's like, you got it. They're not really thought out. Or there's the fart prank. You know, like there's people that do. Fart in elevators? No, they'll fart like in public.

But they'll go to like the hood and then like walk up where people are hanging out and then just fart. And you see black people be like, nah. And like get up and then like walk up where people are hanging out and then just fart and you see black people be like nah and like get up and like like chase you like it's it's because it's like it's you're trying to elicit this do you remember kentucky yeah it's very dangerous it's super dangerous to do that yeah it's very very dangerous just because they don't know that you're doing a prank like they think you're a crazy person. And they think you came over. If someone's that nuts, they just get right in your face out of nowhere with some goofy thing to say. And if you're doing the fart one, they think you're coming over to where people are just to fart on someone. It doesn't go well.

No, it's for a prank for my YouTube. They're like, who's? What are you talking about? You just picked the wrong people, and they just instantly go into violence. Did you see the fucking guy? Oh my god This is in Europe where his prank was he pours liquefied dog shit on people Yeah, yeah, yeah, he just got arrested so you're like you're on the subway and he has a bucket Oh no dog shit that he's put in the bucket and put water in.

Oh my gosh. And then he dumps it on people. He dumps it on their heads? Just kill him. YouTuber arrested for throwing bucket of poo on train passengers. He's done it many times, like several times. He's filming. Oh my God.

Oh, fuck this guy. It's super insane. That's a bucket of shit. Oh my God. What a psychopath. Yeah, and then he's just like. What a psychopath. He just dumps a bucket of shit on this guy. It's super insane. Oh, my God. That's a bucket of shit. Oh. Psychopath. Yeah, and then he's just like. What a psychopath. He just dumps a bucket of shit on this guy's back.

Belgium. I've heard enough of this crap. Not well played. And that's an easy way to be dead. Oh, my God. You do that to the wrong person. They'll throw you in front of the train track. Any person.

That is so crazy. But especially like. Yeah, there's a lot of people that. That is so crazy. It's totally insane. He just dumped it on that guy's neck. Yeah. Down his back.

It feels like water for a second, and then you gotta realize, oh, just shit all over you, hours from home. Look at that little black chick going, what? She's like, I'm gonna be a prankster. It's insane. This is the most insane thing I've seen. He's not being charged with assault,

bad, like, you know. Well, I think it's like a bioterrorism, too. There's something weird. Like human shit falls into a weird category. Yeah, spitting on someone is like, is almost like hitting them. Yeah. Like they have to. There was a guy in New York who was rubbing shit in people's faces in the subways.

Really? Yeah, just coming behind him with pickup dog shit and then just rubbing on people. Dude, Native Americans usually dip their arrowheads in shit just to ensure that you'd be infected. Yeah. We gotta take care of that. Yeah, to poison people when you get hit. Right, because immediately infection would start. Yeah, you're getting infected. They knew about that. Shit is what

caused all the plagues. Yeah. So it caused all the plagues. We saw that guy that was shitting his hand. Tom and I have an offer out to Mark Cuban to rub shit on our faces for $1.75 million. His shit? Our shit. Your shit?

Hold on, Tom. You shit? He rubs it on your face barehanded? No. Now, listen. We're hoping that Elon hears this and then ups the ante and says, Mark, if you shit on your face, I'll give another $1.75. But yeah, Tom's fans of this guy that shits on his face.

Wait a minute. There's a guy that you're a fan of that shits on his face wait a minute there's a guy that you're a fan of that shits on his face Tom loves it there's this guy Jesus Christ there's this guy

that will like he'll do like a birthday wish naked he just stands there naked and then he flops his dick around

but if you pay him more he'll shit in his hand you're not gonna believe this it's actually worse when you see it it's pretty bad It's pretty bad. It's pretty bad. That's naked Martin.

Oh my god. It's worse when you see it. It's so bad, Joe. Joe, Joe. Joe, you haven't even heard the worst. Oh, Joe, you got a surprise coming your way. You got a surprise coming your way. Don't worry, Joe. You'll get it. Am I going to have to watch this?

You'll get it. Are you going to have to watch this? You'll get it. There he is. Are you going to make me watch this? What? He looks just like you. Do the one with the oranges, Tom, please. When I came to your mom's house, dude, I had a really hard time not throwing up. There's multiple times I had to look away.

Oh, Jesus. This guy looks like old Joe. If you go to his Twitter, you might be able to find it. NakedMartin.co.uk. Is that what it is? Just for the folks at home? If you want to book a video. Folks, if you want to get yourself a video.

But usually this stuff. The gentleman is Naked Martin. Martin. Naked Martin. Nice piece. Naked Martin is just, it's all about showing his hog. Which, by the way, is. No.

No, stop. Hold on. How did he do that? The guy's magic? He's magic? That's a reverse video. Yeah, it's a reverse video. By the way, that's a promo video I would have done in a fucking heartbeat.

Sell some fucking tickets, Martin. Can I just pause to point something out here? How wild is Twitter? Twitter lets everything. You can have full porn on Twitter. Twitter goes full porn. But for some reason, that is like outside of the

conversation when it comes to advertiser boycotts. That's totally true. Isn't that interesting? Because they're saying, if you allow certain kinds of conversations, we won't advertise. Is he going to come in his glasses? Is he going to come in his glasses? What's he going to do with that? What the fuck are you making me watch?

Look, his stomach's pulsating. Put him on. Put him on. By the way, that's not that bad. I'd do that. This guy's going to jerk off on food that he eats. That's not food. Joe, that's not food.

Oh, don't make me. Joe, I don't think the video's over. Oh, Christ. If I know Martin, he's't think the video's over. Oh, Christ. If I know Martin, he's got another trick up that sleeve. Oh. What are you going to do, Martin? Oh, no. What are you going to do, Martin?

No, Martin. No! No! There you fucking go! That's why he makes the big bucks, motherfucker! I legit just retched. Legit just retched. I almost lost it.

You got to find a face smothering. Stop it. Get rid of it, Jamie. Please, stop. Jamie. On your own, find a face smothering. I almost lost it. You got to find a face smothering. Stop it. Get rid of it, Jamie. Please, stop. Jamie. On your own, find a face smothering. Don't do it. Don't do it, Jamie.

Bring it back when you find it. I think I need smelly salt. Okay, but I wanted to ask you this. Use an applause. You've had like, I remember you had Jack Dorsey. No, Jamie. Stop, Jamie. I need a drink.

I need a cigar. I need something to clean the pen. Jesus Christ, that's so crazy. That's someone's baby boy. Oh, fuck. No need a drink. I need a cigar. I need something to clean the penthouse. Jesus Christ, that's so crazy. That's someone's baby boy. Oh, fuck. No, no, no more. Come on, buddy. Come on, man.

This is not pressing the shit out of me. That's someone's baby boy. Someone was playing catch with that kid in the park. Wait, hold on. So when you've had, like, back in the day, you had Jack Dorsey on. Yeah. You've had Zuckerberg on. And you've talked about, you know, censorship. Like, you had Jack Dorsey on. You've had Zuckerberg on. And you've talked about censorship.

What gets policed? Because it always feels like these big companies have inconsistent rules about what they do. Oh, if it's this, and this could be misinformation, or we don't know if we can verify. It never feels like, oh, that's the clear answer. But on Instagram, there's this thing know somebody could say something about whatever a political candidate maybe covet or and then people go like that account is gone right or it's like yeah but you and i have a text thread that is pretty horrific that is fueled only by instagram yeah're like, wait, why is all this okay? Tom and I every day send each other the most horrific shit we find on Instagram.

Right. It's bad. Every day. It's bad. It's people getting run over by trains every day. It's people getting mauled by animals. What do they say? Shot.

Fucking. Electrocuted. Hit by lightning. Dump trucks fall on top of them so i asked so i actually ran into an engineer at meta two days ago and he was talking to me and and i i kind of like was like what's up with this he's like yeah there's just so many accounts it's hard to and i'm like no i go these are accounts that have been up forever and they just have murders well here not only that they just show up in my feed

and I'm not following them. Oh, yeah. Of course. That's the algorithm. He said two seconds. He said that I watch that shit. He said if you look at something for two seconds, that means they will start sending you more. So does the algorithm recognize that you like car accidents? For sure. Or that you're watching

them. It's just saying this guy will watch a car. It's not enough to like, don't click on that because it'll lead to more but my point is that that means that the algorithm recognizes what that video is so if the algorithm recognizes what that video is and it doesn't flag it then it can it could take it off if it

wanted to but if they wanted to just like not only like let the algorithm encourage you to watch it Yeah But leave the videos up because the baseline goal of all those is keep you on the platform We should go back in our text thread like six months and see if any of those videos are still up I bet you a lot are that would be wild. Yeah, because some of the ones there's there's so many war ones

There's so many ones of drones dropping down on people and you're watching their legs blow off. There's suicide drones. I watched a dude get sucked into a sinkhole. Oh, God, yeah. I saw four black chicks fall into a sinkhole. I saw a guy cum on his shit. Sinkholes are crazy.

That's Florida. Sinkholes are crazy. Like, one day your house can just fall into a bottomless pit. Yeah. Out of nowhere, the earth collapses underneath where your structure is. A car in an intersection. Yeah. Swallowed up.

Swallowed up. And you realize that like, who do you call? Do you think you're like, hey, I'm mad at the mayor. There's nothing you can do. The earth just did it. Well, the reality is,

asphalt is preposterous. It's a ridiculous idea. It fucks up erosion. It does so many things. It fucks up erosion. It does so many things. It fucks up absorption of the water naturally into the ground. You're covering everything with rock. Yeah, they're going to call you an anti-falter.

And then underneath that, what's happening? What's happening underneath all that rock? I would imagine a lot of that water is moving around in there. And if it creates a nice little pocket and then you get the weight of all these buildings and then one day just they just go under dude have you ever seen like those crazy giant sinkholes like a whole block just falling into it giant sinkhole that's not real that's not real that's not real. That's photoshopped. Is that photoshopped?

It has to be. Look at it. Read the caption. Oh, no, it's real. That might be after they imploded it. No, man, it might be real. It's so deep, though. Let me double check for another source.

Yeah, let Jamie double check, but I think that one was real. They did a good job with the overhang. Look, if you're looking at the ground, you're thinking the ground. If you're looking down, right, you're thinking the ground. That's real. I think it's real, dude. That's real. That was the original 9-11 memorial.

It's insane because it looks like a fucking UFO just went through the earth. It looks like a black hole went through the earth. Yeah. It looks so perfectly cut. How lucky are you if you're the house on the corner that now has a beautiful view? So lucky. Bro, how much are you if you're the house on the corner that now has a beautiful view so lucky how much are you thinking about moving how much are you thinking about moving be careful coming out be careful leaving it came out in like almost a perfect circle yeah that's so weird doesn't that make you feel so like so small in the world though i would want like hey just falling and falling and

falling away from there of course i would want to get the fuck away from that spot that spot spot might fall into the earth but it just makes you feel like you're so arrogant to think that any of this is yours the arrogance when the big waves were coming in to california like a month ago about i drove the girls out to go look at the big waves. They were fucking massive, 20 feet. It's really impressive. It sounds like thunder. And Isla got swept out by a wave.

She got, there's a video of it. It's not bad. She's fine. But it's funny. It's on my Instagram. How swept out? Just, you can see it. It's not, she didn't get taken out out to sea she got overtaken by a wave and it was it's funny because it's very light-hearted

But then as and I don't even think I handed it well as a parent I was like you filmed it in help I filmed and then said you did your cell phone is your cell phone in your pocket and so But what's crazy is the moment of clarity after that where you go, hold on, we're not safe here. Like this is, Oh,

hang on. This is actually really dangerous. This is Isla. And she just like, she was just fucking around. And then, Oh boy. And it's like aggressive.

Of course we're all laughing. She's far enough away where I'm not scared. Yeah. Sort of. But if she slipped further back that's all coming back but what i'm saying is that like that's one of those you know 50 50 feet here 50 feet there things like if you fuck up and you're 50 feet in front of that and you think you can get away i've had multiple ocean scares now like the one the ones where you're like crying on the

beach well no just that like in the moment, I keep telling myself, don't panic, don't panic, don't panic, you know? And one I remember was in Hawaii where we rented a Jeep and we were like, we want to go see something, you know? So they tell you, oh, take this road. And it takes you to this single road that goes up

where there used to be volcanoes. And we come up on this beach and they had mentioned the beach, but not really too much about it and so when we parked I was like I love the ocean water I'm gonna get in the ocean you know so I get in the ocean and I remember that going in the beach into the water was a decline right so like you go down and I was was just like knee deep in there about to, and I was like, man, this current is pulling back hard, like really hard.

And I kind of take like a step back and I feel myself going further down a decline into the ocean, right? And when I decide to get out, I have to really push hard, like all legs, like boom, boom, like run, like you're running up a hill to get out and i was like that was fucking that wave hit you there that was kind of that was a

guy who's a wwe wrestler they tell me though when i get back to the hotel they go i go yeah we took i go that that uh that beach was that was a little scary they go did you get in the water and i go yeah and they go oh you can't get in that water like you'll drown in that water no one did you notice there was nobody swimming there i yeah i noticed i thought i found a fucking you know and they don't tell you they didn't tell me they're like do not swim in that water they're like you can't swim out of that if you would like they're like if you would swam 10 feet in they're like you're just gone oh my god and like the panic you feel, especially in retrospect,

because you remember the feeling of being like, I think I'm stuck here. I think I'm stuck right now. Fitzsimmons saved a lady in Thailand. Really? Yeah. Someone was drowning and Fitzsimmons swam out and saved them. Really? Yeah. I'm pretty sure it was Thailand. Somewhere crazy like that.

Yeah. He was on vacation. I might have made up Thailand. It doesn't sound like a place Fitzsimmons would go. I said Thailand. No, he would go. He's a world traveler. He's a Hawaii guy. He surfs in Hawaii. Wherever it was. Fitzsimmons went in the ocean and saved a life. No shit. I saw my dad save a lady

in a resort. That's a scary thing. It was at the bottom of the pool. He was just laying at the bottom of the pool. Just laying at the bottom of the pool. Oh my God. When I was like nine years old, it was like father, son, he took me to this resort and there's a slide.

You ever go on a slide where the water that comes off the slide, so in other words, when you hit the water, it's like high impact. You're like, holy shit. And it pushes you down. I'm nine years old,

so this was many years ago. And I remember like like I could swim. I was on swim team like as a little kid. But I remember being like, fuck, that is powerful. Like it pushes you down. Right. And you just swim up and we're all people are, you know, at the resort. And then look down and my dad swims to the bottom of the pool and pulls up this lifeless body

and then they do CPR and she came back. Shut up. And they would write letters to our house for years. Really? She was 19. Oh my god. She wasn't a little kid. Did you see the guy? Oh my god. The snowboarder upside down when the random skier comes by. Yes. Just sees a

snowboard sticking this far out of the snow. Is this the one where the guy was buried under the snow? He goes, what the fuck? He stops. He saved the guy's life randomly. Is this separate? Have you seen the footage where the guy's wearing the GoPro? I've seen that.

Right? And then he's like, falls into the ditch. Into like a hole? That is visceral, that feeling. Oh my God. And then he's just like, we'll see what happens. Obviously he got out because there's footage. But when you're watching that, you're like, oh, my God.

You could just fall in there forever. And apparently, that's something that happens. Tree wells? That's something that happens. So this guy just falls, and then watch this. Bro. What? I know Bert's feeling this.

No, I've had a couple experiences like this. He manages to stop himself. What the fuck? How the fuck do you get out of that? How the fuck do you get out of that? Fuck the skis. How do you get out of that? It's over, Joe.

But no, he's out. No, no. I think I've read about this. They had to get search and rescue. He had to hang out down there for a while. Search and rescue had to come up. Holy shit, he's so lucky. He's so lucky that he stopped right there. But the way he right here he's not flailing he's like

putting his arm and his ski out to try to like so this guy was able to keep some composure which is like kind of the craziest part oh my god so this is the snowboarder that's buried upside down so this guy just sees that little blue piece bro Just ran out this happened to me ski right over. Yeah, he came he easily There's not much blue soft snow he's in a tree well is what it is so the tree wells It's really soft soft snow so if you get stuck in a tree well you are fucking dead a lot of people die in tree wells Damn, yeah, I'm thinking again with those of those GPS things. We went snowboarding in Matterhorn, heliskiing, and the guy put a beacon on us.

And the first thing he said, he puts a beacon, it's like four feet of powder. And he says, this is so we can find the body. And I was like, what? He's like, you might fall into a crevasse or an avalanche.

So we put the beacon on to find the body. Wow. That feeling, this happened on to find the body. Whoa. That feeling. This happened to me. That feeling is terrifying. This guy's like, thank you. Good. We'll get you out of here in a sec, okay?

He was dead. The panic. He knew he was dead. I'm feeling panic watching this. The panic. So what happens is, like what happened to me when we were heliskiing is I fell face forward in powder. I just, I never, snow skiing, snowboarding in powder, four feet of powder is very different than snowboarding.

It's like you have to have your bindings reset. You have to really know how to ride the powder. And I could not turn right. And the guys told me, he's like, don't go within five feet of my tracks. Stay within my tracks. So the whole time, I can only turn left. Because at the time, I really wasn't that good of a snowboarder. But I could snowboard, but not in powder.

And so he's going like this. And all I can do is go left. And I'm just going off the track. Oh, no. And I'm fucking panicking. But by the way, we're at like 13,000 feet, 14,000 feet. It's very little oxygen. I'm gassed.

I'm fat. I'm hungover. It's the day after the national championship that we went to. So we'd eaten edibles. It was like after that. It was, it was the day after that. I flew to fucking,

I flew to Switzerland and immediately landed and went hella skiing. I don't remember that. And so, no, no, no. When we went to Florida state versus Alabama, 2013,

2013. So all of a sudden I go to turn cut, and I catch my nose, and I fucking go face first in the snow. And at first I'm like, fine. I push my arms in, and they just do not touch anything. It just goes like this. And now snow's impacted on my face, so I can't really breathe. And first of all, I deal with panic, but panic kicks in immediately, and I'm like, this is deal with panic but panic kicks in immediately and I'm like this is why I have the fucking beacon on and so I try to clear the snow out of my face but I'm like

pulling all the muscles in my back trying to turn over and then the guy just comes up behind me grabs me on the back flips me over and he goes you should see your sound guy my sound guy's upside down skis kicking upside down in the snow. And we just got the fuck out. We got on a helicopter and got the fuck out. I was like, this isn't safe. Yeah, I'm not interested in any of that nonsense. Did I tell you about my last ski experience?

I only used to ski with my family. This resonates every time I go skiing because you go, it's not worth it. He always says that. He always says it every time I go skiing. When I would go skiing because they wanted to go skiing and i would be like this is fun it's good for kids to learn early because they're really good at it and my wife likes it but i would be like don't get hurt don't get hurt don't get hurt didn't get hurt back up don't get hurt don't get hurt don't get hurt didn't get hurt good So all I'm doing is mitigating risk. The entire time I'm skiing.

Sure. Because I've had fucking three knee operations. I really know what it's like to blow your shit apart. And they're like naive to how vulnerable your knees are. And kids are fucking rubber. They just fucking bounce off rocks and they're fine. They fall down. They only weigh 80 pounds.

They fall down. They get right 80 pounds. They fall down. They get right back up. Right back up. But so this last time I was going around this turn and this lady didn't know how to ski. And it looked like she was just a fresh beginner. And she was like doing the pizza thing. But she was sliding right into the trail. Oh.

And it's a narrow trail. And I'm like, I have two options. I'm wiping this lady out or I'm going to catastrophically fall down. I went with option two. And I fucking tried to slide around this lady and my skis went up in the air and I banged the back of my head hard. Oh, fuck. And I fractured my leg. Helmholtz?

Yeah, it's called an insufficiency fracture. It's a fracture at the top of the fibula or the tibia, rather, where the tibia touches the cartilage. I had a fracture. And I was 100% concussed. Wow. Because I got on- Helmet on? Excuse me?

Helmet? Yeah, helmet on. But it didn't matter. It was hard snow, head first. Bam. And I remember thinking like wow that was a big one i remember thinking that like when i got hit i was like that's a big one and um i got on the ski lift afterwards and i just miscalculated like i wasn't coordinated and i fell down and i couldn't get up what like i couldn't get up. What? Like I couldn't get up without help.

The lady had to help me get up. She had to reach out and grab my hand. Because of the concussion. 100%. Wow. 100%. So I'm just dizzy. I'm off.

How long ago is this? A couple years ago. It was more than that. It was more than that. It was pre-pandemic. Joe, I think about this every time I go fucking snowboarding. I think it was three years ago. No, I think it was three years ago.

After pandemic? Yeah, I think it was during pandemic. I thought people started skiing again. It was definitely before. I don't think so, man. Joe, this story resonates. Maybe four years. That's the last time you went skiing.

At the most, it's four years old. But I was like, that's just too... And then Shane Dorian tore his fucking knee apart. World champion, big wave surferfer tears his knee apart snowboarding. Just slammed into a tree. That's why you got to ski, folks. Oh, hey, hang on, hang on. Do you want to hear a story about old fuckface McGee?

I was skiing. I was skiing. You don't like snowboarding? Oh, no, no, no, no. Let me share the story of skiing with Ari Shafir. So first of all, Ari gets this app that tracks how fast you're going. So the entire ski trip is based on how fast can you get. O'Neal had it.

And Ari's like, I think I got up to 70. I bet I can break 75. I bet I get 75. Jeez, sound barrier. So I'm- You're going 75 miles an hour on a skis? I was trying to. Yeah.

So we go, our last run in, there's, it's a blue. Park City. And Ari is absolutely reckless. Off trail. Well, because O'Neal's better than me. I'm challenging. I'm like, let's race.'s a blue. Park City. And Ari is absolutely reckless. Off trail. Well, because O'Neal's better than me. I'm like, let's race. And I'm like, go. And I just got the one second head start.

So we got Sean Patton, Mark Normand, O'Neal, Renesies. Fat, gay, loser. Yeah. And we're all just, all we're doing is skiing to a bar, okay? We're all going to go get drunk and ski to a bar. And I just hear Ari fucking basketball. He dresses like a fucking 13-year-old. Basketball jersey.

Fucking, he's got the Viking horn helmet on. Like a fucking lunatic. This isn't That's my Maddox jersey though. And look, I got my sweatpants over the jersey. And so Ari's we're at the top of the mountain and he's like, let's see how fast we can go before we get to the bar. And I was like, I'm gonna snowboard

the fastest I'm getting is 37 miles per hour. That's the fastest I'm going. And I'm terrified because I hear you in my head going, it's not worth it. It's not worth it. Because he had already stopped. Ari decides to break the sound barrier, pins his feet together, and like a goddamn bullet starts fucking flying. Literally, feet in front of the bar, wipes out, and breaks his wrist.

Some snowboarder turned back too fast. He was making nice wide loops. You broke your wrist doing that? And then he made a sharp one, flew, yeah, demolished it. He had to get reconstructed. Yeah, there's a pin in there. Really?

Yeah. And all I heard was Joe Rogan, it's not worth it. We killed four beers. I was going pretty fast. I was winning. I thought O'Neal was right behind me. He had stopped immediately.

You have to think about it this way. For this momentary thrill of adrenaline and excitement, you potentially risk a life of catastrophic injury. That's every time I come on this podcast. I get it. Look, I get it because life is finite. I get it. You want to get it because life is finite. I get it. You want to live and experience everything you want.

But I believe you should mitigate risk. And I believe people are drawn to excitement. You seek out dangerous animals. Yeah, but I'm telling you, I mitigate risk. And the risk of skiing to me is like that one is like there's too many variables. What do you think is the most dangerous activity you do? Well, when I'm training, I'm not doing jujitsu right now, but that's for sure the most dangerous. Because of the potential damage.

Yeah. You're practicing strangling each other. Yeah. And you're doing it with people who are really good at strangling people. Yeah. I love skiing so much. Grabbing your legs and yanking them apart. This last trip was the last time.

How was the last time how was the skiing as a fat as a less fat guy as a sober person as a less fat person it was amazing i posted i didn't i did a weird thing this year i didn't post any videos i didn't record anything i just hadn't lived i just lived wow uh my girls loved it they were like this is great we're not on instagram for people to see but. And I wasn't drinking. And I was skinny. And I was like, I said, the only thing I recorded was, I want to show you my favorite trick. I could touch my foot.

I could never touch my foot snowboarding. So getting my bindings on was so fucking tough. It was so annoying. Because your gut was in the way. My gut was in the way. And it was so uncomfortable. Dude, you were on stage Tuesday night. And I was like, you're too jacked. You're too jacked to take your shirt off now.

You look great. It's not funny anymore. It is. I can't. You know there are people that really believe that. Yeah. There are people that really believe it. Oh, now you're not funny.

You're like, bitch. It's your freedom of you being you is you taking your shirt off. But your freedom of you being you, and now you no longer have a gut and you got jacked shoulders. You got traps and shit. It's like that's a celebration of still who you are. Also, you're still fatter than you were when you were the fat guy.

Yeah, I'm still fat. I'm still fat. He got so fat that he lost weight. Everyone's like, that's amazing. When he started playing the fat guy. Playing the fat guy? Playing the fat guy? You mean when Tom started fat shaming me?

Yes. When Tom was fatter than me and decided to start fat shaming me? I naively thought that when we did the first challenge, which was the weight loss challenge that led to Sober October group. Yeah. I really thought you'd stay on that path. You got so skinny. I didn't care.

I didn't care. You have to want to do it. November 1st. I'll tell you right now, Sober October was an interesting experiment. But I will tell you, having done like three months or whatever I did, that one month is, and the big difference is I stopped drinking on planes because I wasn't not drinking on a plane because of you three assholes. Like I was not drinking because of you guys.

And then when you're not drinking and you go, I'm not drinking for me. It's very fucking different. And then that was then I got really comfortable on planes. And I was like, oh, I can get through this. I can't scientists just make a booze that doesn't kill you. Can't you fucking, you know, out there. There has to be. There has to be. Make a booze that doesn't kill you.

There's got to be a way to, if you can make synthetic marijuana and turn it into pills, there's got to be a way to take whatever the fuck it is

that alcohol does good that gives you that fun, carefree, so fun. The sparkle is so fucking cool. The buzz, smile. Everything feels right. It's got to be. The sparkle is so fucking cool. The buzz smile. Everything feels right. It's got to be.

Boys! It washes over you. The sun sets and the day goes away. And you're just like in a good mood. You get that buzz. You ride it. A nice meal. Like how many times have we had meals on the road where we're having a couple of drinks.

We're eating a nice meal. It slowly goes up. We're talking and we're laughing. It's a lubricant. We're just enjoying ourselves. God're talking and we're laughing. It's a lubricant. We're just enjoying ourselves. God damn. It's the best. It's such a fucking tool. The potion.

Dude, I was doing the Wilbur. I'll do it again next weekend. But she asked a Bloomerang star. Did you say Ari Shaffir is going to be at the Wilbur in Boston this weekend? Thursday and Friday. The legendary Wilbur. It's so funny. I thought you were in Cheyenne, Wyoming next week. How many shows? Is that you?

Oh, I'm in Cheyenne, Wyoming and then through Colorado. Three shows? So two Saturday, one Friday? Two Friday, one Thursday. Oh, shit. You're not going to be in Atlantic City? Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What? You're not going to be at the Atlantic City Hard Rock? No, who's the, wait, I saw. Oh, no, no. I'm there in the summer. I did that with Joey. I did it with Joey and Tony.

It was fun. Do you know what Joey told me? What? First of all, he goes, if I see you wearing those glasses, I'm going to fucking break them. And I go, what? He calls me. I'm in Hawaii. I'm like, what?

Happy New Year. And he's like, you got to take those off. I go, I need them to see, though. I put them on to see. And he goes, it can't be those. I go, why? He goes see, though. I put them on to see. No, God, sir. And he goes, it can't be those. I go, why? He goes, are you fucking doing the news? And I go, no.

Doing the news. That's when people read and do life. Are you doing the news? I go, well, dude, I, okay. Doing the news. Am I allowed, I go, can I wear another pair of glasses that are approved? And he's like, he goes, yeah. He goes, but it can't be those.

And I go, okay. And then he goes. He takes his buddy Holly over here. Yeah, he goes, I'll see you in can't be those and i go okay and then he goes he takes his buddy holly over here yeah he goes i'll see you in two i'll see you in two weeks and i go where are you gonna see me in two weeks he goes when you come to jersey when you're in atlantic city and i go oh great he goes i noticed the last last time you were in jersey you didn't give me a call you were hanging out with your white friends and i go i go. He goes, don't think I forgot you're a fucking Hispanic. You give me a call every time you come to Jersey. I go, okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

He's the king of New Jersey. Yeah. Joey's open to a residency here. In Austin? Yeah. They just do that once a month? We're talking about doing it. Once a month, Joey will come down for like three days.

Great. That'd be great. Joey and I should get a house together. I'm here for three days. Dude, he loosened up on the podcast. Like having a podcast with Joey, like you forget. You forget like what that dude is.

I don't. What a special unicorn. He really is. I've said this. He's the unicorn. There's no one even remotely like him. He was there when Ari drugged me. He came and saved my life. He came and saved my life.

He came and... Jesus, this is getting dramatic. He stole the other Molly. No, this is the best Joey Diaz story. He goes, I call him up. I'm having a panic attack. I go, Joey, Ari just drugged me. He's like, I'll be there in five, cocksucker. Walks through the house.

He goes, Mrs. K, don't come out back. Bad shit's happening out there. Comes out and goes, what's going on, cocksucker. Walks through the house. He goes, Mrs. K, don't come out back. Bad shit's happening out there. Comes out. Comes out and goes, what's going on, cocksuckers? I go, Ari just drugged me. He goes, let me see it. Ari pulls out the other molly. Joey takes it, eats it, and goes, we're all seeing the devil's dick tonight, cocksucker.

No one's dying on my watch. If you die, I die. We're all dying. He's the fucking best. We're all seeing the devil's all dying. He's the fucking best. We're all seeing the devil's dick tonight. He's the best. He's the funniest human being I've ever met.

I'll buy a house with Joey in a heartbeat. Yeah, well, I think that's one of the ways to do it. Get a comedy condo? No, I'm legitimately thinking about that. I've been thinking about that anyway because I've been thinking about doing a studio in downtown Austin with a view because there's a lot of Apartments that have a view if you could do a studio in an apartment out there You could have nighttime podcasts right after doing a comic drunk So you do a show at the comic just like we do that Yeah, so you do a show at the mothership and then go straight up to the condo, which is like three minutes away

I'm gonna I'm gonna make? I'm going to problem solve this. And after doing, now I think, seven sets in this couple days at your club, I think that's a horrible idea. The amount of freedom that is at your club, the amount of free speech at your club is so dangerous.

Yesterday, I went up and I was like, wait, I didn't realize I can say anything I want. You should have seen his face light up. He's like, what are those bags on everybody's tables? Oh. Oh, you didn't know? I didn't know. Oh, yeah.

Well, I was like, wow, Shane Gillis is really taking some chances. He's screaming about how communism's good. Yeah. Paul Pott was a god. And so I got up. I was hosting and then did an hour at the end of the show. We did like three hours at the end of the show. It's a long time together.

But wild shit. But I didn't realize you can say whatever you want. You really can just take chances. So I felt like I wasn't doing my due diligence as a comic. So I wrote the worst joke I could think of. Like just insider joke. Just like a, I was just, and it did well. And I was like, fuck, this is crazy. You want to take that energy up to that studio and do it and

then I get off your thing and I'm talking wild man I go up to yours I'm like you know what about Hitler here's the deal his dad wasn't a bad guy he came from good people it came because he was a beekeeper you know that Joe you interviewed a beekeeper basically interviewed did interview a beekeeper. I basically interviewed almost every walk of life, I think. Yeah, how many episodes have you done now?

2,000. What? Wow. 2,093. Yeah, and then there's the Fight Companions, which is like 100 and... How many of those?

There's probably 60 to 70 of those and 153 MMA shows. Yeah, so that's another 200. What's your worst one? I don't think I have a lot of bad ones. Oh, wow. We can go around and nail our stinkers. The early ones, definitely I sucked at it.

No, you didn't. That was when it was wild. It was wild. But if you're having conversations with people, you're not good at facilitating the conversation, especially if you're talking to a scientist and you're trying to Get as much information into as many people's minds as possible So if there's any confusion about what they're saying you have to know when to interrupt them or when to lay back

When does you got a bookmark like a thought like I don't want to interrupt But I got a bookmark this because I got to understand. What do you mean exactly? You're good at saying that wait wait that wasn't clear to me, but I got to bookmark this because I got to understand what do you mean exactly by that? You're good at saying that. Wait, wait. That wasn't clear to me. Can you make that clear to me? I'm not sure. You can't pretend you understand something if you don't.

You have to just like – you're almost like a cattle herder a little bit for the conversation. You're just kind of trying to keep the conversation – you're trying to let it flow as much as possible, but you're also trying to like, you have to interact with it. Like, so you have to figure out like, what am I not absorbing about this? Do you feel like there's somebody looking back that you understood the least? In other words, you were like, fuck, I don't get what is going on, no matter how hard I try. Simulation theory is the big one. Because I had this conversation with what what was that gentleman? remember we had a lot he was I

Was hoping it was a so I'd understand it's it's like swimming it's about probability Yeah, so what his argument was was like simulation theory Nick Bostrom that that's it. Thank you He's brilliant brilliant guy but when when we're having this conversation he was in he was talking about simulation theory and saying that simulation theory the idea that this whole thing we're experiencing is just a simulation because of probability theory because of the probability of extraterrestrial civilizations just given the amount of planets that are out there, the amount of time that has gone on,

this is an inevitable thing that's going to happen and that it's probably already happened. That it's probable that this is a simulation? If it's not, it's going to happen and it probably already has. The idea through... We're in the first run of a billion runs. If you're a real expert, salute. Let's finish it.

I know I'm butchering this, but I believe the concept in layman's terms is that given the sheer number of planets that probably have intelligent life and given the amount of time, if they can develop technology to the point where we have, and then further on to the point where you literally create some sort of a simulation that all time and all experiences exist in. And that this was something that was possible through technology eventually. And if you look at all these planets, you look at the direction that human beings are going, you look at how far our technology has progressed in a relatively short period of time. It's inevitable. Give it 1,000 years, 10,000 years,

from now, if we don't blow the earth up, we will have a simulation theory that's indiscernible from the reality you're experiencing right now. And that may be how life is experienced sometime in the future when we integrate with computers. That might be like one step into that integration wow so yeah having that conversation yeah it's like what that also

gives you i think you might have a better perspective than people when you try to when you really break down how brilliant some people are, like the scale, do you know what I mean? We're all of moderate intelligence, and you go like, oh, you can understand these things, like I can have this conversation with you. No, no, and then you meet people who are notably not there, and then people who are existing on it.

Yeah, looking like an idiot. Are you a child? Yeah. And you go, wow, those people are really operating on another wavelength, right? Who simulates them? It's just like athletes. I was about to say, it's like athletic ability. There's some people who you go, holy shit, you have a 40-inch vertical?

Yeah, like just dunk it. Yeah. Like, what? What? There's some people that are just, I mean, we've all met guys that don't even work out, and they're just ridiculously strong. Yeah. They just have superior genetics.

Thank you. You know, there's a lot of folks like that that are just country strong. The guy that'll do the tomahawk dunk in jeans, and you're like, what the fuck? It doesn't even work out. You mean Cam Haynes' children run marathons in jeans? Yeah. They're different people.

Yeah. And his other son's a ranger. Yeah. Yeah. They're different people. Yeah. And his other son's a ranger. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, just different humans. That D1 body where you're like, oh, this is different. Well, Cam's dad was an athlete too.

Really? Hardcore runner. His book is amazing. I think Cam's, wasn't he a jumper? What did he do? Are Cam so modest too? He was like a very high levellevel athlete, his father was.

Cam's modest as shit about it. He's so modest. Yeah, he's like, how the fuck? He's like, well, you know, you just got to get that run started. You know what, man? That guy is always tired. Is he? He's always tired.

I hope so. But I mean, that's why he's so chill. He's conserving energy. He knows he has to run 18 miles in the morning. I bet he sleeps like a baby, though. I bet he sleeps like so chill. Yeah. He's conserving energy. No, he doesn't run 18 miles in the morning. I bet he sleeps like a baby, though. I bet he sleeps like a brick. I think he's Christian, so then he doesn't worry about death. I get to go to heaven.

Yeah. His shoes. Have you run with his shoes? No, we're going over here. Those shoes are great. I wanted to put a toast out or a post out today because they're that good. Oh, they're excellent. But he has his own brand of shoes.

So Cam was sponsored for a long time by Under Armour. And then he went for a second, tried out Salomon, and then he said, fuck it, I'm just going to make mine. I think he has his own clothing brand, but he's doing his very own shoe. And when you get a motherfucker that can run like he does, who develops technology and the shit that makes him comfortable,

this shoe is amazing. These Boa laces keep your heel in place. Blood splattered on it. Yeah. That's blood. That's blood. You can say it's mud, but it's red. Shut the fuck up.

You know what that is. I love that Tom's pouring a drink. This is the Tom I love. They're dope sneakers, and they're super comfortable. They're amazing. Tom's a scotch guy. So the thing about plantar fasciitis that a lot of people have is your foot moves around in your shoe.

Laces do that. But with Cam's shoe, those those boa things lock your heel in and i've been running every single day no plantar fasciitis and it's they're very fucking comfortable yeah they're great you know i think plantar fasciitis probably is a lot about uh foot strength and foot endurance isn't it i used to have it i think so like you just go too far everybody also like the pTs will tell you that a lot of that originates from your big toes movement though. Really? If you start, because you can feel plantar fasciitis starting a lot of times. You're like, oh, this is starting to get uncomfortable.

It's not full blown. In the mornings. And they'll tell you to train your big toe. Wow. To work on strength with your big toe. People move to New York, guys, because you're walking constantly. You guys walk so much more. And then it's just like, what the fuck's in my heel?

Do you remember when you told me to get Rolfed from my plantar fasciitis? Yeah. What is that, when you suck cum out of a dude's asshole? Hey. No, that's- That's naked Martin. Felting. Don't you know this show is going onto the internet?

This is felting. The whole world's going to listen to this show. Do you know how many fucking people are going to book a video with that guy right now? Oh, so many. I hope they don't get in front of our order. Oh, they are. The guy's going to be rich. Well, in a perfect world, he would be rich.

Yeah. Because that's an oddity. Like, if you're going to go that far, you deserve something. You deserve money. That's the only fans I'm signing up for. That guy ate his own shit, covered in cum, and we watched. He didn't even pause. And he smiled.

He smiled, and I, who hosted Fear Factor for six years, I almost threw up from watching that screen. We're so excited for you to get your present. What's the present?

Nothing. You'll see. It'll be in the group thread. Can't wait. That feeling of that's such a horrible film was like you don't have a you don't have a thing oh i do for real he holds it yeah well here's what's fascinating i lost it when i was filming fear factor nothing can make me puke the uh desensitized completely desensitized before i

was the kid in high school that like if you up in the hallway, I would throw up. I do. Like, you smell throw up. You're like. That's a YMH wretch. Yeah, yeah. That's a YMH wretch. Yeah.

It is what it is. I think that's evolutionary. I think that when you smell throw up. No, no, no. It's letting you know that someone around you has consumed something that's bad. Yeah. And that you should purge too. Right.

Yeah. So it's like a survival instinct. Yeah, yeah. It's a protective instinct. It's not a weakness to want to throw up when you smell throw up. It's actually a strength. So what happens when people cry and I cry too? It's good too.

Because you're commiserating. I cry so much. You're showing you're a good person. I cry so much lately. You're a sweetheart. Really? Because you switched to weed more.

Yeah. Well, weed is really beautiful. Weed will get you crying. It allows you to appreciate. You're an emotional guy though. You need to grow tits. I get. I cried the other day

on our podcast. You did? He's grown tits. Nobody cries more on podcasts than Bird. Not me anymore. He cries a lot. I cry a lot.

I regret a couple cries. Schultz's. I regret that one. You cried on Schultz's podcast? Of course. What'd you cry about? a lot. I regret a couple cries Schultz's I regret that one credit Schultz's pocket of course would you cry about fucking nothing Bambi? No? No, he fucked me up No Marketing I think is he marketing marketing no he brought out a clown and some balloons and it fucking fucks me on and balloons made You cry no no no no it gave me a panic attack Yeah, I don't like clowns and fucks me up. A clown in balloons made you cry. No, no, no, no, no. It gave me a panic attack. What?

Yeah, I don't like clowns. You were shaking. Now I'm just fucking looking over my shoulder. Hold the fuck on. Hold the fuck on. That's my favorite Joe what, by the way. What? Hold the fuck on. He lets it in.

He lets it in. He's like, what? It's like, the fuck are you talking about? Hold on. What? Yeah. For real? Schultz gave me the opportunity to not.

Don't play it. Don't play it eat don't play There's no reason to play it okay. No you have a real issue with clowns, and then you became one I have a real issue with clowns and a real real issue with balloons like if I smell balloons I fucking freak out they do they freak me out Wasn't there a Jerry Lewis movie that was never released where he was like a clown in the Holocaust What oh really no? No, Pat is the clown patches that was no is Robin Williams Adams Patch Adams hospital though. Here's a doctor who was a clown for kids. Good morning, Neil. Who's that?

The Day the Laughter Cried? Yeah, there was a... There is a Jerry Lewis movie. There's some weird Jerry Lewis movie that never got released. Oh, that's weird. Long Buried Holocaust Movie. The Day the Clown Cried. May finally be viewable one year today, so they barely buried it

Yeah, they buried it One of you people have seen even a rough cut of the film comedian voiceover artist Harry Shearer of The Simpsons told spy magazines in 1992 that the movie is so drastically wrong, its pathos and its comedy are so wildly misplaced that you could not, in your fantasy of what it might be like, improve on what it really is. Oh my God. That's all you can say. This movie was so bad.

I want to see it so bad now. They buried it forever. Holy shit. Oh, wow. They buried it forever. Holy shit. Oh, wow. They buried it forever. And when did this movie get released? 72. So this is a movie from 1972 that was so bad.

That never saw the light. They put it in a vault in the bottom of the earth. I'd pay to buy it. I'd pay to see it. I want to see it so bad. Even if it's bad, I want to see it. I want to see it more than I want to listen to that Wu-Tang album that Martin Skrull- Yeah, Big Jay has it.

Yeah, that made me angry. Big Jay has it. What do you mean? Big Jay has it. Martin Skrull- He went on Legion of Skanks. Yeah, he went on Legion of Skanks. It's one of the most frustrating episodes to listen to because it's Legion of Skanks and

you have Martin Skrull-y and Shane Gillis is grilling him. Yeah. But you got Legion of Skanks being Legion of Skanks. Right. They don't really care about the information. They just want to fucking talk about whatever. Yeah, cum and everything. But Martin Skrilli said, I have the album.

You want it? And all of them are like, fuck yes. So how did he give it to them? The same way you got your thing. In what form? Like just sent them an MP3. No, no, no. What? So then it's out on the internet now?

No, no. Legion of Skanks didn't no one ever shared it wait a minute well so what's martin doing with it he bought it it's by the way it's i gotta send everyone to the episode it's one of the most fascinating episodes i've ever listened to have you listened to no i don't have it they have it he had some good information where he's like you know he was like got the thing for the aids it's so and he goes he's jacking the price he goes you know what no one ever said there's also a generic version of the same drug for $40 40 bucks I don't know why everybody's mad at me you can still get it. You just can't get the name-brand thing

It's the best you can get the generic version. Yes, the generic version mean it's like Viagra versus whatever the fuck Oh wait, you can hear it. No no no of the AIDS medication. Oh Generic version. I was like, what does that mean? What does that mean? It's not finished? Why am I so confused about generic drugs? That's hilarious. My brain just went to like, wait, is it without RZA?

Well, hey, this is a real conversation. But this is a real conversation because with AI, they're going to do that. They're going to make new versions of Wu-Tang songs. They already did it with Drake. I think that the thing, too, is you know how they go, oh, likeness, right? Like the stars. Like, hey, you know, I want to – this movie is without Tom Cruise. We'll be like, no, you cannot use my likeness.

I'm protecting it. That's like what some of this labor union stuff is about, protecting your image and likeness. Yes. your your image and likeness yes but there I just feel like there's you know there's just gonna be one of these offers to one of these people where they go okay go for it right like $20 million go for it okay Bruce Willis has a neurological right addition yes I forget what it's called it's called aphasia aphasia yeah you're right you're right you're right you just bring it back to yourself of Of course. You're talking about I can't look at a post and not Think about me. Um, he's

I guess the Bruce Willis sold seven Bruce will have sold his likeliness So you can likeness sorry you for the purpose of AI he did. Yes Hmm Thank you me but in in his position I mean he can't work capable of making money anymore he can't work he has a real issue he's actually it's actually very advanced and they think this is towards the we're at the close to the end oh my god yeah I follow his daughter Tallulah so no Bruce Willis didn't sell his likeness to a deep fake company. Despite initial reports, the deep fake company does not own the rights to Bruce Willis' likeness.

Partially because that's literally not possible, the company said. Willis appeared in a recent advertisement through Deep Cake, which managed to create a digital twin of Willis that can appear in new content despite the actual Willis retiring from acting as a result of aphasia,

a brain disorder that hinders cognition and speech abilities. I like the precision of my character, Willis said of the process, according to the quote in Deep Cake website. It's a great opportunity for me to go back in time. The neural network was trained on content of Die Hard and Fifth Element, so my character is similar to the images of that time. Ooh. So it's young Bruce Willis doing ads.

I sent you guys... That's what they're saying. That is what they're saying. I sent you guys George Carlin's new special. Yeah. Yeah. That's insane. Hold on a second.

That seems like that is what we're saying. Yeah. It feels like... And also, this is literal phase one of phase one of the yeah a-list celebrity yeah being like you can use it for this sure like barbara streisand gets to be a certain age right trump's president again yeah she might say you know what for just fucking sell soap with my young face and also what about the people who it's not a major movie making it, it's just some YouTube account.

What happens to dead people? What happens to James Cagney? Their estate? What if the estate decides to... The Marilyn Monroe estate? Yeah, Charles Bronson selling soap. This is the George Carlin one that came out a couple weeks ago.

How many views? It says... Change the cover. It's under 500K. How many views? It keeps getting pulled down. Really? It keeps 400,000 or 500,000. It keeps getting pulled down. Really? It keeps getting pulled down, yeah, because George Carlin's daughter Kelly, I think, doesn't want it up.

Oh, I disagree with that. It's put on a YouTube account called Dudezy. Dudezy says, I'm a comedy AI. They wrote this as though Dudezy made it, if you will. When you look at what Dudezy is. Dudezy is a account run by Will Sasso. It's Will Sasso. But they have an AI. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

That's where it becomes like, how would Will Sasso have this super secret AI program? Hold on, Will Sasso has a podcast, if I'm not mistaken, where he has AI bring up the subjects of the podcast, and that's what they talk about, theoretically thinking this will, based on research, be one of the best podcasts out there. Well, there's a podcast on it. Look, click on that. It says George Carlin Resurrected. That's what this is. That's what I'm trying to say. When I was looking into

what is this George Carlin thing, it's on this account that they call Dudezy, and they're saying Dudezy made this. Oh, so they made it through AI. It's most likely like that Kanye song we played with Tony where someone wrote in how George Carlin would write and then

performed it all and then got George Carlin's voice to go over top of that. Well, it's like a version of his voice. Oh, wait a minute. So AI didn't write the jokes? No, I heard AI wrote the jokes. That's tough. That's where it becomes very tough. You're saying that AI didn't write the jokes? No, I heard AI wrote the jokes. That's tough. That's where it becomes very tough. You're saying that AI didn't write the jokes?

In this case, I don't know, but it seems a lot more like the fake thing, like the Drake song and the Kanye song, where it's not 100% done by AI. What you're hearing is like an AI doing a deepfake video. And who would write it? In that case, it was the rapper who wrote the rap song. In this case, it's probably comedians who know how to write like on skanks this week they played ai versions of their stand-ups to this to the soda jay lewis dave and and uh one other guy i forget um and they were like here's your ai version of your stand-up and they just played it for him and they all broke

it down how was it uh they said it was a lot of fun. It's hard to be worse. Yeah, butterly. Yeah. Hopefully it's not amazing. You're the only one that got that joke. I feel like we're... Lewis is like, can I use that? I feel like we're joking around about the first rain shower that comes before the torrential

flood that caused Noah to build a fucking ark you're right i think it's gonna get bad oh it's gonna be a new world like the world is gonna be built in a very hazy way all this stuff about ai everybody like we all thought it's scary and you see you know i understand why writers were likeriters Guild was like really concerned about this. Yeah, they should be. And they're concerned by version one, dude. Like this just started. And this is teaching the next version. Imagine the first fucking iPhone. And you're like, this is wild.

Also, it's going to get rid of a lot of shitty writers. Yeah, that's true. That's a thing. Can you stop stealing Copenhagen TV shows and just make something? All those people keep making the same cop show over and over again. Get the fuck out.

Doing Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Here's the thing. It'll replace a lot of low-level basic shit. And you'll lose a lot of great ones. You still need your Christopher Nolan

to write his stuff. Yeah, but Christopher Nolan had to be a shitty writer first. 100%. You gotta be a shitty writer first to become Christopher Nolan. Yeah, you gotta build... Unless you're some wizard

that comes out of a womb. Charles Kaufman, Charlie Carlin. But that's very rare. Very rare. The only thing I think that would be beneficial is be great if I could do my podcast with AI and then type in yo Can you take all the annoying parts of me out of there? Like when I talk over you or I talk like like I would love not talk over people It's kind of fucking tough you don't need a robot I finally I's kind of fucking tough. You don't need a robot to do it for you. I finally, I told you. So Bert has this thing

where anybody, anybody with any level of celebrity, he fucking geeks out so hard on you. It's so embarrassing. Like a TikTok person. He's like, I'm the biggest fan. Oh my God, I saw the video. Oh my God, I'm the biggest fan. I love you so much.

And then he goes, and then he waits to tell them about him. He's like, he tells them his resume. Do you have imposter syndrome? Of course. If you don't, I am curious why. I didn't say I don't. Okay, yeah. Of course I have it.

Why is he so aggressive? No, because my answer was fairly calm. No, but imposter syndrome is kind of- I was just trying to find out what he was feeling. Imposter syndrome has been loaded as like a slur. I don't think it's a slur at all. I have it. It's a hard, no, no, I think it's this hard. No, no, no. I don't think it comes and goes. I think imposter syndrome is a sign of an introspective person who's trying to navigate a very bizarre situation. I think it's completely 100% natural and normal.

And if you didn't have it, again, like what you said, I would be curious. And don't you think it comes in waves? Like there's times when you feel it. Yeah.

But the whole reason I brought you up doing that because you're ridiculous with it. I'm really bad. You do it to everyone. I didn't do it to Joe. Oh, I did it to Joe. But you told me.

You didn't do it to me. Yeah, you didn't see it. I did it well to you. What the fuck does that mean? How did I not see it? I did it really well. Oh, I did it to Joe. But you told me. You didn't do it to me. Yeah, I did. You didn't see it. I did it well to you. What the fuck does that mean? How did I not see it? Oh, Joe, when I met you, I was at your front door. I'd already zillowed how much you paid for your house. I fucking said to you, I said to you real quick, I said, hey, man, I'm such a big fan.

I need to meet your dog. I need to see your deprivation tank. I want to play pool and I want to get high and then we can do the podcast and you were very generous You're like cool I remember you walk me in your door You said hey man If you stand on this thing and you work out it like shakes your body whatever that yeah And you know come on

We'll go down see and you took me out We saw John Johnny Cash you say you told me like I just got this properties of the dogs be out there I can't really have them. We got the kids come on. We'll go back. I'll show you the swing set We'll get high we got high and then we did the podcast and i was like man that is the here's my thing is there's generous celebrities like generous who give you their time and they don't maybe they don't notice and i was like this guy's a real fucking guy like he's cool as fuck and then we did the podcast i had a fucking blast and i remember going home going like man i i don't want to say this out loud but i was like i want to be like that guy like i want to be like that guy like cool as fuck and real I remember

I little things in my life where I've pinpointed things in your life where I go Oh, I got a thing that Joe had your closet was a fucking mess There were there were dildos or not dildos There was flashlights everywhere that you had so was a sponsor. We would give flashlights away to the people. Oh, yeah. That's the early days. Hey, do you want to fuck this when you go home? And your ad reviews would be like, it feels like a pussy.

It feels great. But I remember. They gave us a fucking, I had a pervert's box. Like a large box. That's how far this has come. I got the alien butthole. I got the alien butthole, the blue one. But I remember you had

so much stuff in there and you had this generosity. You go, yeah, grab whatever you want, man. It's all stuff from people that want me to check it out. And I remember I took a bunch of vitamins.

I like grabbed shit. I wasn't poor, but it was like free stuff. And I grabbed a bunch of shit and went home and I was like, but I look at life and when you talk about

imposter syndrome, I highlight, we talked about this the other day, I highlight cool people and I kind of want to be like them because I go, man, I want to be a better person, you know, like. But he does this thing where he's like, I met the lead singer of, you know, Wilco. I humiliated myself. I humiliated myself. I humiliated myself. I humiliated myself. He just tells him how much he loves them,

and then he's like, have you seen my stuff? Dude. But he tells me. I hung out with George R.R. Martin. Oh, yeah. George R.R. Martin. How'd you meet him? At a buffet?

That was good. That was really good. What is that one? It's when a bunch of food's out, and you can just take as much as you want. Burt loves them. He's on a website. He's in an app.

Buffetsnearme.com. I saw him at a Grateful Dead concert. Oh, really? That's cool. And I clocked him like three times. Three times. Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday night. You went to a bunch of them.

And then Sunday night. Yeah, there's that sauce. Sunday night, I couldn't control myself man i was a junkie i was like the way a pedophile must feel when he sees the best part is that burt tells him you know shut up just shut up just shut the fuck up tom stop top george reveals things about the show that like nobody knows and then when they leave leanne's like can you believe he told you all that he's like told us what he's you believe he told you all that? And he's like, told us what? He's like, well, he told you all those insights, like secrets about Game of Thrones.

And he's like, what secrets? And he's like, I just wasn't listening because I wanted to talk. He's like a cokehead. He was just waiting to talk. He told me secrets about writing. You just embrace this aspect of yourself. I can't. I can't.

You don't like it. It makes you angry when it comes out. You get aspect of yourself. I can't. I can't. You don't like it. It makes you angry when it comes out. You get upset at yourself. But yet, you also embrace it. It's so fascinating. It's so gross, though. It's so gross. It's like you're playing tic-tac-toe against yourself in your own head.

But here's the thing. I wanted to confess to you because you told me that you admire the way that I am around celebrities. I love it. I love it. I love it. I want to be that. You're the guy in an orgy. You're the guy in the porn who's jerking off before he fucks her. I'm the guy in the porn going, I got three minutes to give you.

That might be the worst analogy literally ever. That one makes no sense. No one listened to that and was like, yeah, I get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good call. Relatable. Good call. But here's the thing what i told him

was the truth which was that i would say 90 of the time when i meet a famous person i don't care that i'm meeting them in other words like they just i'm just like yeah all right what's up how you doing so it looks like i'm being cool or aloof but i just don't give a shit he really genuinely does i just don't care he really doesn't right because if you go like hey this is the guy from the show I'm like what's up anytime I've ever met a famous person I text Tommy immediately and go guess who I just met and I send him a picture and then

Tommy has hung out legit as friends with Brad Pitt and Jason Momoa and didn't fucking tell me and then I go why wouldn't you tell me this immediately and he goes I don't know I didn't think about it it just just didn't really right, but then he goes What would it take and I'm like, I don't know and then I text you last night I go, I guess it's Snoop Dogg because I went into it

We were on Kimmel and I'm in his dressing room and I was like I'm going I guess I'm going Bert I did my version Wow. I was like I was like it's so admirable that your career has lasted. You didn't. I did. You didn't. Oh, that's fucking great. Snoop's a tough one. Snoop's a tough one. He's so nice.

He's so nice. And all I did was I was like, I couldn't believe I'm on with him. I met him first. First, he told me, he's like, it's good to see you again. I was like, we've never met. He thought you were me. And then I went back into his dressing room, and I I was just like it was great to be on the show with you and I had to tell him I was like you know it's just crazy to me that I bought your album I

bought in 93 the the year before in 92 was a deep cover I bought that and you're still like you're still snoop it's fucking it's crazy it's whatever years. Yeah, he's got the best longevity I just I just admire that like so much and then he like he said, you know, he says everything cool Wait He goes let me get a flick with you and I go oh that means picture And I was like yeah so he asked for the photo and then i was like yeah this is i mean he goes yeah i want to be a movie star too i'm like i'm not in any movie you were in a very big movie with mark walbert bro do you know how high he is all day long do you know how high he was there snoop lives

in an alternative dimension. Yeah. It's not where we are. It's very cool to be, because I know he's been on the podcast, but to be around someone and be around other people who you're like, dude, everyone, every age group, every generation. Loves him. He's at Sesame Street. It's fun

to be around. Did a show with Martha Stewart. Yeah. The only time I ever saw him serious was on this podcast when he was talking about how he had to switch to backwoods rolling papers. And he was like, the young kids are telling me and I really had to make a change. Yeah. You did a fucking show with him. Road blunts the entire

time. Wasn't that like crazy to be on a show? I lived with Snoop for a month. We lived in a hotel together. We were across the hall and I worked with him every day. But I have to say, and you know this, I was really nervous about meeting Snoop because I can overwhelm people sometimes.

Like I'll just, I have a large wake. That's self-awareness. That's advanced. He does have it. That's advanced. I'm trying, but I said to Tommy, can you tell me how to meet Snoop? Because I know how you do it. You do it cool. Tell me how to do it cool because I want to be, can you tell me how to meet Snoop? Because I know how you do it. You do it cool. Tell me how to do it cool because I want to be friends with him.

Hey, whatever. You don't have to. Yeah, yeah. And you said, I like you. Snoop will like you. Be yourself. So I was myself. And of course, I fucking lost my goddamn shit.

And Snoop stopped. Snoop stopped. And real quick, like in the middle of me being me, he just FaceTimes Red Grant. And he goes, hey, you know this guy? And he flips it around. And I go, and Red goes, he's cool. And he goes, all right, cool. And he's like, you're cool.

It is me and Snoop FaceTiming with Dave Chappelle and Donnell Rollins. But that was the night we got high. And fucking Snoop's the best, man. He's the fucking best. So you got him to the point where he's like maybe I don't want to be in this conversation he had to check my credibility he had to check my credibility

we were talking about Cat Williams and I was talking about Pimp Chronicles and then I was it's embarrassing it's embarrassing but I knew that Snoop knew Red. And I knew that if I brought up Red, Snoop would think maybe, okay, he might know people I know.

That was smart. But then immediately Snoop called me on my shit. And in the middle of my story just FaceTime Red. You know him? And then Red's like, yeah, he's great. I love Bird. Yeah, but haven't you ever had conversations with people you know you don't know them and they pretend they know you? And they also bring up people that supposedly they know that you know.

References you know you're not going to check. Oh, you know Chris, man. You know Chris, my boy Chris? Yeah. From Rochester? I met this dude and he was like, he goes, we met before. We met before with Mark Wahlberg. I go, oh, cool.

Never met Mark Wahlberg. Oh, that's great. And you're just like, great. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember. I remember. Oh, that's great. And you're just like, great. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember. Yeah. I remember. Oh, you're crazy.

You're a crazy, crazy liar person. A lot of people say you bring your name up. Yeah, that's wild. Astounding. Yeah, I'm friends with Joe. This is a guy I met. And I do it, too. His dentist told me.

His dentist told him he played golf with me. Oh, yeah. What? Joe the golfer. Joe the golfer? This guy's like, my dentist plays golf with you. Guy does fucking three rounds every day. Your dentist is crazy.

Don't let him operate on you, bro. I'm going to put you under and stick his dick in your mouth. The thing about the Joe connection is people being like, can you give this to Joe? Oh, I get that all the time. That's the thing I get the most when I'm like, huh? And they're like, I wrote this. Can you give this to him? What is it,

another manifesto? Yeah, sure. I'll definitely. If the type is really little, they write really small and get scared. Or you get, the scariest is,

you ever seen, tiny letters, like no. You ever seen, if they try to, like two sentences in one line, you know,

like one on top of each other, I'll be fucking terrified. You ever seen writing on writing? Yeah. What do you mean? That's schizophrenic. Schizophrenic, telltale schizophrenia. Writing on top of each other? I'll be fucking terrified. You ever seen writing on writing? Yeah. What do you mean? That's schizophrenic. Schizophrenic.

Telltale schizophrenia. Writing on top of writing. What do you mean on top of writing? So they'll write something and then they'll write, write, write. Right on top of it. So like it's, you can't read it. It's alien. Yeah, yeah.

And then they'll be like, check this out. And so you immediately, you're just like, oh, yeah, no, this is good. I'll get this to them. Yeah, this is really good. Just people. Yeah, there's some people that for whatever reason, whatever, no, this is good. I'll get this to him. Yeah, this is really good. Just people. Yeah, there's some people that, for whatever reason, whatever fucking happens, whether it's chemical or neurons, whatever it is that makes that shift,

they're seeing things completely different than you. By the way, gentlemen, you all look very sharp. Thank you. Hey, by the way. Cheers to Bert, because it was his idea for us all to wear suits. Cheers. How long have we been doing these?

So the first one was the three of us, and that was the weight loss challenge. That's 2017? 2017. I left right... Yeah, you guys did it right before I took off. Right before you became a New York comedian. Best thing you ever did.

Shut the fuck up. I'm giving him a hard time. Before you became a New York comedian. Best thing you ever did. Best thing you ever did. Best thing you ever did. Well, shut the fuck up. I'm giving him a hard time. Ari changed the scope of comedy. I'm in the middle of giving him a hard time at Bert's Cock Clock. All right, you know what? Fuck you. Ari changed the scope of comedy? He did.

I did. I united the scenes. You did. United the scenes. Are you wearing a rosary? You would not know Andrew Schultz without Ari. I don't know. You would not know Chris DiStefano.

Is that a rosary? You may not know Tim Dillon without Ari? You would not know Chris DiStefano? Is that a rosary? You may not know Tim Dillon without Ari branching. No, I reached out to Tim Dillon. No, I showed you a tweet of his and you're like that's good. Hey, that's who you, well, no doubt you'd 100% introduce me to very funny comedians. Hold on.

Joe, you do not know the back tweets, back texts we have when we want to introduce you to people. Why? Because because you are the biggest media brand the back tweets we back texts we have when we want to introduce you to people why because because you are the biggest you don't like media brand in the world what recommendations you don't i just find it on my own and so it's like i do like to find as many things organically as possible i recommended brian simpson yeah he definitely did yeah well tommy's recommendations are different than me and ari's we recommended shane Shane Gillis for a year and a half.

How long did we text back and forth? Ari, one time. This guy's not taking this guy. And we're like, yo, we got to send him the Toyota Isis. And then Ari's like, I'll send it. You reply. And be like, how fucking funny is this, Ari? Yep.

Listen, I get to things. Oh, my God. You're right. I get to things in the perfect amount of time. You do. No, you do. I have to think in the perfect amount of time You do I have to follow It's too overwhelming The wave that comes at me is too overwhelming

So what I do is I just do my best Just stay present Think about what I want to talk about It's a lot of information coming at you It's actually freeing because people are like, can you get me on Joe's podcast? But he's not going to listen to me, so no There's no point I had a guy, I say his name. Guy reached

out and wanted to be on Joe's podcast. So fucking bad. Are you sure you want to say his name? Sure, I don't care. I love the guy. I don't need to. Who is it? Theo Vaughn. Wanted to be on Joe's podcast before you would have ever clocked him. And he was like, hey man, can you help me get on Joe's? And I said to Theo, you know what? It's not good if

I take you to him. Trust me. I go, trust me. You're so fucking funny. Joe's going to find you. And when you do his podcast, you'll murder because Joe loves you. And Theo's first appearance on this podcast was a monster. And trust you, if I had said, like, Joe, can you take my buddy? You would have. You would have.

And Theo's so bizarre that if you don't know who he is. I must always take comic recommendations. Like if Ari recommends someone, I almost always 100%. Adrian. You can do this, Joe. You're shaking your head. After two years. Joe, we love you.

We love you, Joe. No, yeah. You don't have any chain on? Is that what you're saying? No, I do. I just don't. I filter them in when I see fit. I have scientists and athletes and authors and movies so there's just there's this funnel

of people and i have to keep it in the realm of what do i want to do yeah true i have to i got to ask you one what like and there might not be one answer but maybe there's a few have you ever had the most like okay i'll have them on like like yeah i'll have this person on isn't and you're the most impressed like most blown away by them like they were great yeah like were you like it doesn't have to be a comedian it could be athlete actor a scientist where you're just like holy shit that was amazing and you weren't expecting it you know what i if i mentioned one i would do a disservice to so many of them that have happened that way yeah okay yeah there's just so many there's so many that people recommend henry rollins holy

shit oh he was amazing he was on a couple of times and that was like one of those ones where i was like i was worried that we wouldn't get along yeah you know with henry he's very volatile yeah he's very volatile aggro yeah but like in a weird way that I feel like. I'm glad you struggled too. I feel like if you confront him with any aggression, he comes back at you tenfold and feels justified. Ah. You know, like I was on a radio station once in Austin and they had this conversation with him and they said something and it went. station once in Austin and they had this conversation with him and they said

something and it went, he interpreted what they said really badly and then he went off on them and just fucking attacked them and was talking about how successful he is and it was a weird conversation. I love hearing those. But I know guys like that. I know

guys like that from fighting. There's certain guys that you just have to massage your relationship with them and i'm not saying that's henry rollins but i'm saying it's guys who get angry really quickly and like maybe misread you know how to navigate that really well though and the dude first of all he was like henry rollins at one point in time was like a fucking serious power lifter have you ever seen like when yeah when he ever did that video i'm a liar do you ever see like when yeah, whenever did that video? I'm a liar. Do you see how jacked he is? Yes Put up put up. I'm a liar, but cause I'm a liar now, you know

He's like he's like settled into his older years and he mostly does bodyweight stuff We actually had a conversation about it, but he wrote an amazing essay No, there's there's a video there's a video. There's a music video. That's it. That's it. I was like, he had a pull of the hair. You see how he's screaming in that snapshot? That's from the video.

That's from the music video. The music video has nothing to do with this essay, but he wrote an essay about lifting weights. What is it called, Jamie? Something about truth is in the iron? It's fucking great. Truth is in the iron is a badass statement. The iron, that's what it is.

Does he say it here? Give me volume. The humiliation of teachers calling me garbage can and telling me I'd be mowing lawns for a living. This is a kid reading Henry Rollins book. That's what that is. Just get to the

go to the essay itself. Because it's an essay that he Henry Rollins, by the way, writes constantly. He writes for a bunch of different publications. He writes essays all the time and he listens to a shit ton of fucking, a shit ton

of music, like on vinyl. He has this insane setup in his house where he has like $250,000 speakers. It's madness. He's just a music fiend. So this is it. I believe that by definition of definition, oh, I believe that the definition

of definition is reinvention. To not be like your parents, to not be like your friends, to be yourself completely. When I was young, I had no sense of myself. All I was was a product of all the fear and humiliation that I suffered. Fear of my parents, the humiliation of teachers calling me garbage can and telling me that I'd be mowing lawns for a living. And the very real terror of my fellow students. I was threatened and beaten up for the color of my skin and my size. I was skinny and clumsy. And when others would tease me, I didn't run home crying, wondering why. I knew all too well. I was there to be antagonized. In sports, I was laughed at. A spaz. I was pretty

good at boxing, but only because of the rage that filled my every waking moment. Made me wild and unpredictable. I fought with some strange fury. The other boys thought I was crazy. I hated myself all the time. As stupid as it seems now, I wanted to talk like them, dress like them, carry myself with the ease of knowing that I wasn't going to get pounded in the hallways between classes. Years passed and I learned to keep it all inside.

I only talked to a few boys in my grade, other losers. Some of them are, to this day, the greatest people I have ever known. Hang out with a guy who has had his head flushed down a toilet a few times, treat him with respect, and you'll find a faithful friend forever. But even with friends, school sucked, teachers gave me hard times. I can't read this forever. This is going to bore the shit out of people. Let's get to the weight part.

Oh, my God. Have you ever had your head flushed in the toilet? Me? Yeah. No. Okay. Have you? Of course.

Really? In high school? Yeah. I love how you brought Henry Rollins, again, back to you. Yeah. I prefer to work out it's a pivotal moment and the thing is have you ever had been violated like that i mean that's what he's writing about his violation or anything in the toilet yeah no no no it was at forest hills baseball i mean it it's being violated you have to be held up by a group of boys and then they put your head in the toilet which flushed or not flush not flushed, it's a violation. That's, I mean, I'm not bringing it back to me.

I'm just saying, like, that's a very fucking powerful thing. They were called swirlies. Through the years. Yeah. Through the years, I have combined meditation, action, and the iron into a single strength.

I believe that when the body is strong, the mind thinks strong thoughts. Time spent away from the iron makes my mind degenerate. I wallow in a thick depression. from the iron makes my mind degenerate I wallow in a thick depression my body shuts down my mind the iron is the best antidepressant I have ever found there is no better way to fight weakness than with strength once the mind and body have been awakened to their true

potential it's impossible to turn back the iron never lies to you that's badass fucking perfect that's badass that's perfect that's 100 true i feel that yeah that's you embody that yeah yeah but you were bullied as a kid oh yeah for sure yeah yeah i was little so i didn't like it i didn't also moved in to like new neighborhoods all the time i moved into new neighborhoods like three or four times when i was a kid so it was like it was every time i was the new guy and I wasn't a big guy and dudes were fucking with me, I was like, damn, I got to learn how to fight. That was 100% my motivation.

I wasn't like a kid that looked for fights ever. I was just terrified. I was like, okay, I'm tired of this. What's the solution? I got to learn martial arts, watch Bruce Lee movies. I'm like, all right, I want to be like that guy. Is that physically possible? What about, because what we were talking about right before was asking people things.

Because you've had so many fighters. You love MMA. Yeah. And you're a great commentator. I think you're a great analyst. You really know so much about it. It's fun to talk to you, to learn. I think it's fun to learn.

But have you ever had a fighter that you know because you give you're you're not like you give honest takes on things when you're watching something you're like this guy's ground game is not as strong or this guy's striking is what it is like yeah you're honest about it has a fighter ever carried that like comment and then come in here and been like you know i didn't really like no not in here i saw it once at dinner where he's hearing when he's like hey you said some stuff about me whatever but just you know i was injured but during that fight i was yeah but i was nursing a knee injury i know just so you're aware of what i said is i have to comment on what's happening yeah i i i would normal like i always give if someone's like got an unusually bad

performance i will say i will i will try to like give this kind of qualify you never know what's going on if you see a guy that carrying a little bit of extra weight you'll be like sometimes you see a little bit of love handles like hmm that's weird his camp and maybe it wasn't as strong there might have been something wrong yeah and that's so fucking common that's weird. His camp maybe wasn't as strong. There might have been something wrong. Yeah. And that's so fucking common. It's literally no fighter at a world-class level goes into that octagon 100%. They just don't. They just don't. Someone's got a fucked up elbow.

Someone's neck's kind of weird. Someone doesn't want to wrestle. Their knee's bad. Their ankle's fucked. They got their ankle taped. Why is his ankle taped? There's so many guys go in there with like real fucking injuries but do they ever bring a hostile like any hostility to a comment made like no i've had conversations with guys but i'm over the years i've learned to

express as much respect as i have you know like sometimes you just comment again the moment like you will with friends like oh he's breaking he's breaking you know but sometimes you just comment again the moment like you would with friends like oh, he's breaking He's breaking you know But you have to be careful like how you say that when a guy is in a fight if the guy's gonna watch it And he knows he's breaking and you're just kind of compounding his awful moment. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah guys break sure they do break You know, but it's not my place to say that necessarily It's it is my place to comment on the technical aspects of how the exchange is going sure if I see them folding if I see certain characteristics where they're not engaging they're just

moving in a defensive way and they seem to be looking for a way out mm-hmm you know Greg Jackson told me that he sees fighters except that they're not gonna win 100% and they're just fighting not to get knocked out. Who did we see at the UFC? 100%. Who was at the UFC Austin that he was 40 and he's been fighting for like 20 years? Benil Dariush. Man, that was crazy to me.

The guy he fought, though, is a fucking assassin. He has one loss to Gamrot and he has one loss to Ismail Makachev, who's the world champion. And by most people's eyes, at least number one or number two pound for pound in the world. Oh, is that it? What are you showing me? So that guy, Arman Saryukian, he's a fucking assassin. So that guy, Armand Saryukian, he's a fucking assassin. And Benil Dariush, who's a very good fighter, at this stage of his life, I don't know how old Benil is, but I think he's close to 40.

He's got gray hair. That was the thing that stood out. You're like, man, can you imagine doing this at 40? But he's also a very elite fighter. Benil Dariarius is fucking elite. He's very good. Yeah. But the UFC is a clean sport. Right now with USADA gone and now, what is the new company called?

Clean Sport? No. So what? So they still drug test. So there is still a governing body. Yeah, and if you're going to be 40 years old, you're fighting at a disadvantage. So the advantage would be that you know more, which is an advantage. Like old Captain America.

There's an advantage of knowing more, but it's not enough of an advantage to deal with people who also know a lot. And the young people, there's an acceleration that comes from watching things on YouTube and watching things streaming. The young people are way better than the people that are older now were when they were that young. Sure, sure. There's a one drug-free sport. That's a new company.

The guy he fought, the guy you were saying, wasn't he like 22 or some shit? Yep. He's world-class, and he he was world class when he was 20. And the fight with Makachev, it was a very close decision. I don't remember if it was split. It might have been unanimous, but it was a super close decision. So Benil's only 34? No way.

Why'd you bring him up, Tom? Benil's only 34? I'm sorry, Benil. It's your hair, brother. Benil's going to be mad at me. No, Benil's a very good guy'm sorry Benil. It's your hair brother. Benil's gonna be mad at me. No Benil's a very good guy. He's a very very smart guy. He's gonna take his walker over here and beat you with it. He's also

elite at Jiu Jitsu. I don't remember why I brought it up. We were talking about the fight. Saying something? God damn why did I think he was 40? It was just I think that I think at that fight someone had said 40 and I was just like that is insane. Oh, that's what it is.

That's insane. If that were true, can you imagine jumping in the octagon at 40 with a guy who's 21, 22? But Randy Couture was world class when he was 40. Yeah. Heavy weights are different. Randy Couture's a badass. He was world class when he was 40. But also, there was no USADA back then.

So there's a few things. How do you measure? How do you measure? I mean, Alistair Overeem isn't Alistair Overeem with USADA. It's just not the same thing. They didn't have anything? They didn't have any testing? It was a fucking intelligence test.

He looks like he's not. Yeah. He's withered away now he's also fought that night he's 42 could have been him oh yeah

Clay Guida is that who Clay Guida just fought the wild man yeah yeah yeah you're not talking about the guy who got knocked out no no

I'm talking about this dude that's where our conversation got confused that's where I got confused no Clay is 42 cause he was at that fight he's gorgeous and you said

Joe said something about him or something like that what were you talking about? I forget what the origin. I've been drinking. I forget the origin of this conversation. How do you measure when you are a legit fan of someone and you kind of want them to win? Yeah, you can't.

Well, that was a real problem with me and Shaub when Shaub would fight. Because I also knew that Shaub. I know when someone has one foot in and one foot out because I had one foot in and one foot out when i started doing stand-up i was still fighting when i was doing stand-up and i know when you're not 100 focused that's a dangerous place to be because you can get overconfident and you think that you're still at the same level that you were at if you're 100 all in but you're not yeah you're not you're not either the people that are 100 all in on being world champion are not also thinking about, I'm going to start this podcast and we're going to go do a tour and do stand-up and now I'm making more money doing podcasts than I was doing fighting.

And now they're taking the promotions away. I had more money from – Sean had more money from ads on his shorts than he would get from his UFC paycheck. So I knew he was one foot in, one foot out. So with that situation, it's like you've got to stop. Like I've seen this. You've got to stop. But some guys, you can't tell them to stop. It's like they have this thing in their head, and they want to figure out how to get to where they used to be one more time.

They think they can do it. I feel like that would stand up. But I would root for a guy, though. I'd be like, come on. That would come out. That's Tony Ferguson. That's Tony Ferguson. Everybody roots for Tony.

Everybody loves Tony. Everybody roots for Tony to go back to when he was the boogeyman. Because El Kukui, that fucking guy, he just seemed impenetrable. It didn't matter if you hurt him. You weren't going to stop him. He was coming forward. Because El Kukui, that fucking guy, he just seemed impenetrable. It didn't matter if you hurt him. You weren't going to stop him. He was coming forward. He has a series of losses in a row now, right?

Well, it was really all from that one knee injury that he got backstage. He tripped over wires and destroyed his knee. No, no. Destroyed his knee. That's how? You got to mitigate risk. He was El Kukui. He was the interim lightweight champion. He was supposed to fight Khabib Nurmagomedov

in Madison Square Garden. And he tripped over wires? In the promo leading up to the show, he was doing one of those ESPN things or whatever, and there were some wires on the ground. He didn't see them, and he tripped on them. And he wrecked his knee that way?

Wrecked his knee. Tore it apart. Had to have surgery. That part would piss me off so much. Go skiing. That's the way. That's how it happened. And then he comes back.

Or like dunking a basketball. He beats Anthony Pettis. That would bother me less. Are you 100% now? On the knee, yes. On the arm, no. Really? Which is the opposite of what they tell you. Can you 100% now? On the knee, yes. On the arm, no. Really? Which is the opposite of what they tell you.

Can you jerk off? When they told me. You don't jerk off left-handed, you fucking psycho. You don't, fucking rookie. When you're in the hospital, they point to your arm. Way to turn that around quickly. Good volley. They go, this is not going to be a problem.

This is going to be a problem. And you're like, oh, okay. Because you think, oh. And now your knee's 100%? 100%. But I have nerve damage in my arm. So it might never, ever, ever be what it was. Damn.

So where's it at now? Well, it's just that for life, it's fine. Like, you know, I can do anything. For high-level athletics? Yeah. So with, like, heavy, like, I don't know if I'll ever be able to lift anything heavy again. Can you beat Bird of Tennis?

External rotation, it really is bad. But even when you're like have a heavy weight in your hand, well, first of all, I get wrist collapse at a certain weight. So like this hand will be fine. And at a certain weight, this just, it'll collapse, you know. And then you feel things all in the elbow area with heavy weight so i can i don't know if i'll ever not that i need to so that's the thing it's like you go i don't need to be a power lifter right but it's still kind of yeah it sucks when you're in there you're like oh my my whole arm has like these crazy vibrations and pains going on with heavy weight

so you just have to like shift what you do yeah that's why I stopped doing jujitsu for a whole year. I started getting these nerve pains in my fingers. If you push on my forearm, my whole hand will go numb. What? Yeah. Really? Well, they took a nerve from here. Any nerve thing is super dangerous.

They took it out of here. You know, I have no nerve here. What? Yeah, I have none. They took it out and they put it in here. Do you mean tendon? No, they took the nerve out. So what happens is-

They took your nerve out? They took the nerve out because- And you reconnect nerves? Yeah, it was a state-of-the-art surgery at the time. Wow. So when the guy did it,

I was like, how many of these have you done? He goes, one. I go, oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And he goes- Oh, my God.

Because you have two nerves and two muscles here to let you pronate. And so they take it out. Can you explain what was happening that the fingers, the last fingers weren't coming back? Is this what would happen? Light watch?

They would go. They go. It was. The injury is in December. And in like March, they do a nerve test. And they go, everything is not firing. Like, how are you functioning and i'm like yeah you know and there were things that were notable like if i went to

pick something up you might not notice right but i would just like grab it and then grab like my hand didn't open all the way so if you go like go like this i would go like this with my healthy hand and i would go like this oh And that was the most I could do. And they told me, they go, if you wait a year, if you wait a year and the nerve doesn't fire and reconnect on its own, your body consumes a nodule. It just consumes them. It's like you've ever seen somebody who has like a hand that just doesn't work anymore? That's it. That's what that is.

That's that nerve damage. Oh, my God. So they go, if you elect to just wait it out, just know that where you are could be just where you are forever. Oh shit. And so when he told me that, he's like, or I could do this surgery

that's like, it was actually a Brazilian surgeon who came up with this idea, like this process, this surgery. And he goes, it works, you know,

a hundred percent confident in it. Chuhoska surgery. And he goes, it works. You know, 100% confident in it. True Oscar surgery. And then he just... He's in a Norman's chair. When it starts to hurt, you turn your fucking card over to red. More morphine. More knees.

More, more, more. More knees. But then he did it. And dude, like, you know, I can, I go all the way. Yeah. can pick things up but there's things where so you'll think you would think it's strength but it's not strength it's the nerve firing like if i pick up something heavy i gotta pick it up and with my right arm pull it up and my left arm is here and you go oh i guess you're just not strong it's not strength it's that the nerve isn't firing it's's just not sending the signal. It won't tell it to go.

It won't tell it to go all the way. Wow. Dude, in the lone loss in my career where I got TKO'd, I got hit with a left hook. And I got hit with a left hook and my legs shut off. Totally shut off. It's the weirdest sensation of all time. Wow. I got hit with this hook.

It hit my arm and chin and my legs just stopped working. Just stopped working. I'm conscious and my legs just stopped working they just completely collapsed and so the referee starts counting one two and I'm like whoa totally new experience all my years of competing never had that so then I stand up

and I'm like these things aren't working right and then this dude's like throwing punches at me and they stopped the fight. But it was a fascinating experience because it was like, it's not about heart and will. It's not about, they just stop working. Haven't you had Zach better on before? Yeah. And he just did that thing where, you know, he's a elite, elite ultra marathon runner. Yeah.

And he was out on one of these like 100 milers. And at like 80 miles, he was like, I felt sick. I had to lay down. I tried to rest. He posted about it, you know? And he's like, my legs, they just shut down. So he's like, I just had to, at a certain point, he just goes, I'm tapping out of this one.

And it wasn't like, you know, it's different than obviously getting hit but his body just was like nope that's enough that's it that's enough not happening the wildest thing about these people that are pushing themselves like Zach Bitter does or David Goggins does is that like inevitably

they're going to get damaged to that body David has to oh no he already has that he shared it he sent me videos of his damage to that body. David has to. Oh, no. He already has. He shared it. He shared it. He sent me videos of his leg where he takes his leg and he compresses his fingers around it and the edema

around his shin is so thick that his fingers are embedded in his shin. He had his knee severed and then reconnected. He has no cartilage. He's bone on bone. What's that going to be like at 60 for that guy? He's going to get replacements. 100%.

His doctor looked at his knee and said, I can't believe you can fucking walk on this. Never mind run thousands of miles. Thousands? Yeah. That's his leg. Look at that. That's edema on his leg. That's from him just putting his fingers on his leg. And that's after one of multiple surgeries he's had. What is a DEMA if you don't mind me asking it's

the swelling it's like all this fluid it's it's basically just ripped just fucking torn me while he's doing an animal like don't be a bitch bro he's an animal when he came to my podcast he got there early when I walked in he was already doing chin-ups when I first met him we went i went into the gym you know the podcast starts at whatever it started out i get there and he comes in like don't mind if i do i meet his wife i meet some you know i go back and he's back there doing chin-ups with his shirt off it's like there's no reason to rest why am i resting right here there's a whole full gym can i use this this gym? Let's go.

Wow. He just goes out there. He's doing gym. He's a crazy person. What a great way to maximize your time, though. Yeah, he's a real guy. Because you just sit there like, you know, I guess we're early. You know, what are you going to do? There's a gym right there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's get some ice. The water. Look at his toes. The water. Look at his toes. No. The water.

Look at the screen. No. Tommy. Oh, fuck. That's Goggins' toe. Eat it. That's from running. He ran some insane amount of 100 milers in a short period of time.

Can I tell you the most human thing about him? Is that he reads negative comments. Like when you see that he gets- Records them. He gets upset about them. He listens to them when he runs. Wow. That's where I connect with the guy where I go, I go, who would ever hate on David Goggins?

That guy's nothing but inspiration on me. You've got to let that go. There's people that are going to hate on every fucking thing that has ever existed. And it's not an honest perspective. It's flavored by their own inadequacies. A big part of it is flavored by their own fucking disastrous life. David Goggins is what I listen to when I, if I'm hungover, I go to the gym, I throw on

David Goggins. They got a thing on him. Oh yeah, I'm going to fucking throw one of those in too. One one? This is a three, this one's a six. I'll take a six. No. Six rogue. Yeah, that's what I like. Here you go, brother. I like riding the horse. I like Tommy turn me on to these. Tommy turn me on to them too. Yeah, the rogues are good. They're very tasty, and I don't take as many of them in as I do with the sins

I'll take those any day over people fucking dipping Sexier wrong you're wrong. You're my friend Perry. He was a stunt coordinator on Fear Factor Yeah, he was uh he was stunt coordinator on so many movies that back in the day You know we're talking about about the early 2000s, and for him deep in the 90s and probably the 80s, you weren't encouraged to be spitting on set. Yeah, you had to gut it. So he would just swallow it.

So he got accustomed. So Perry got accustomed to swallowing his own tobacco. Just like, that's a fucking man. That's a shot of John Crutt. That's a shot of John Crunk. That's a man. That's a shot of John Crunk. John Crunk got it. He had dipped in his,

slid into first, cut his whole lip up, and he was like, on that side. He took it all out and pushed it to the other side. Oh, this one's good. Which one is?

You can taste it. I can taste it immediately. Those are good. Those are experiment. Ari, what is this month you're doing? I just needed some time off. Why didn't you just do it on October like we were supposed to is it? You can taste it. I can taste it immediately. Those are good. Those are experiment. Ari, what is this month you're doing? I just needed some time off. Why didn't you just do it on October like we were supposed to do it? Yeah.

Because we never do. Who are you doing it with? No, we don't never do it, Ari. We do it a lot. You're doing it by yourself. Yeah. This year we didn't do it. I did.

I'm just doing it to do it. I did it this year. Congratulations. I did it by myself. You did it three months. No weed? Nothing? No.

Come on. I'm not sober. That's what I'm saying. That's not sober. I'm doing no weed. No, no, no. I did October without weed, and then I started doing weed And I was like weed's the fucking best

It really is the best I'm doing no weed no coffee Weed is essentially steroids for comedy Weed is great you're right it is Or it helps you it hurts you It can hurt you if you're a bitch I think weed Is at it's best

When you get off stage And you take a couple hits, it almost just goes, hey, man, we're good. Like, let's get in bed and watch a documentary on tarpon fishing. You should sit on it. And you're like, fuck yeah. It's the coolest, man. Oh, I never finished telling you this. So they say, what do you want after your set at the Wilbur? And I was like, I'm cool.

Sometimes after I get off, I like a glass of scotch. And I finished. The last time I was there, I was like, thank you, good night. And I took one step down, and she just hands me a glass of scotch. What? And I was like, I've never been treated like this in my life. That's nice. It was so fucking nice.

Fuck yeah, dude. That's thoughtful. Yeah, a nice glass of scotch after you just did what you needed to do. Yeah. I was thinking about you in the shower this morning. Oh, really? Jesus Christ. He's always got to make it weird.

Oh, boy. I'm broken. What position? I was washing my armpits. And I thought... Oh, normal. Oh, yeah. That's when I think about Ari, too.

It's cheat code. I'm on my armpits. You want me to tell you why sometimes I think about Ari when I wash my armpits? Yes. I bet I know. I would love to hear it. The amount of deodorant I put on?

No. No. No, I do think about you when I put on deodorant, though. I lost enough weight that I have an armpit again. What'd you have before? A gut? No, it was just fat. You couldn't feel the tendons in your pec, in your back.

What? So it's just a fold. It's not like an armpit. Yeah. And so now you're like oh he's gonna be jealous no no no no no no i was thinking uh i'm a little buzzed so i'll share it but i was thinking how cool is it that you've had moments in your career where everyone's like fucking write that guy off and you're killing it and you're killing it and then you and then you start

thinking that has to do with armpits but no no armpits thought of Ari, and then I thought of Ari. I've been thinking about Ari all day because of what happened last night. Oh, okay. And I thought, you know, with what happened last night, I thought, I love that there's forgiveness in this world, and I love that he's killing it right now. People that don't want to forgive people that are actively trying to be better people are bad people. Yes. Yes.

There's a negative aspect to this non-forgiveness mindset that is inescapable. It's not good for the person that perpetuates it. It's definitely not good for the people that receive it if you have this fear that you'll be cast out of the kingdom forever for a thing that you deeply regret and you might have done in duress or you might have done for whatever fucking reason but you realize as a human being how could i have done that if you're not willing to say i get it we're all human and i i believe your intention. Give me a hug. Let's work this out. If you can't do that, you're the problem. The problem is the unforgiving mindset,

the least charitable perspective on every person you run into because you think that somehow or another that elevates you, but it doesn't. And they make you stick to this mistake. When Kevin Hart was trying to be nice about gays, and they're like, well, where was that then? I'm like, he's being nice. And this is your moment to shit on him?

Also, Kevin Hart was trying to be famous and trying to get laughs. Trying to get laughs. And when you try to get laughs, you will say things you don't believe, but you think will be effective. And it's a sign of a comedian that's not that good yet. It's a normal thing that we all did.

Yeah. And still do. And still do. Still do. I don't do it, you fucking pussies. I watch people take wild chances at the mothership. Like wild chances. And I know the audience sometimes goes,

why does he care about that? And you're going to know it's this thing in his head and he's trying to find something. Well, I think the audience at the mothership is more aware of that than most clubs because we talk about it so much. That the process of creating a bit is sometimes you have to trot it out there. And while you're saying it, you're free-balling. And you might go down the wrong path and kind of get committed to it. And then you're like stuck on a route.

Yeah, just like, well, let me try to get out of this. But that's how new bits are created. Yeah. There's new bits that get created because of that. That's why I hate when people say- Because you push yourself into a corner. Yeah, see somebody like, that guy's not good. Like, he's trying something.

Yeah, that's what infuriated me. Infuriated me about Louis C.K.'s leak set. Oh, I thought about that today. When comics were going after him, I'm like, are you lying to the normies about the process? It's also one of those things where I remember when that happened and you're like, we should not lose this list of names. Oh, I've never lost that list of names.

These fucking cunts. It's so obvious, by the way, that this is a pop-in, like, I'm working this shit out. It's a workout set. He hasn't done stand-up in 10 months. It's so crazy. No stand-up in 10 months. And every one of those premises had promise. Also, yeah, they were good.

I would relate it to people when they were like, what's going on? I would tell them. They'd laugh at me retelling that joke. It's literally like a farmer. It's funny. It's literally like a farmer being criticized for not having a crop to take the market right after he plants the seeds. Yeah. Where's your fucking tomatoes?

He might be the most fun person to watch work out, period, too. He goes deep. He's so good at it. And he so good at it and he just takes he takes chances and he goes for it and he and the thing is he actually sits in suffering more than other comics like meaning like if it starts to not work so many people bail out like that and he'll sit in the suffering but you know we were talking about this last night at the club, that there is a giant group of fans that want to see that happen. We're talking about guys, like guys are coming up to Duncan and saying,

hey, I love how you changed that. And now you're like, oh, shit. Now you've watched me multiple times do this thing. But they like the – like, I like music. I can't play music. I can't play music. I can't play anything, but I love watching live music. Yeah. I love watching people perform.

And if there was a way that I could go watch them develop live songs, develop them. Like if I knew that like Gary Clark Jr. is going to start out with like this sort of melody and put it together in front of crowds, then one day it's going to be on with this sort of melody and put it together in front of crowds and then one day it's going to be on Spotify. But for now, I'm getting to watch it happen. That's comedy fans now. Yes, that is comedy fans now.

What percentage though? In a room? 37. No. 37. I'd say like less than a half. At the Mothership? Less than a half. At the Mothership? I bet at the Mothership there's a lot more than most because I bet at the Mothership they've at least listened to one conversation between comedians. So you have to have seen the stand-up set a few times

to see how it tweaks. Don't use that bitch-ass lighter. That is un-American. Bitch, you little bitch. What a bitch you are. Oh my God. How are you a leader to your family with that bitch lighter?

Does someone make a lighter that looks like an eagle? Bert, what do you got in there? Jamie, buy me an eagle lighter for my cigarettes. Can I give you the best cigar you've ever had in your life? This is the best cigar you've ever had in your life. With a chopper on it? It's great. Calibri.

Yeah. Shout out to Calibri. The only time I'd ever flex a fucking Please Hook Me Up. I got one of those, too. I showed you this yesterday. La Florida Minica. I lefty. The Andalusian Bull.

This is the best cigar you'll ever have in your fucking life. Really? That cigar is next fucking level. This is the boy who cried wolf personified. No, no, it's the way I live life. I tell you how I feel. You told me you could do the splits. Buddy, I did a marathon.

You know how hard it was to bite my tongue when you showed me David Goggins' foot? And I was like, that's what we do. You should have just said it. That's what we do, Joe. You did a marathon. What do you want? I know. It's a cutter.

It's right in front of you, Bert. Joe, what part of my shoulders do you like? They're very firm. They also look like a guy who could pick up some heavy shit. We were talking about it in the green room. When you got on stage, I was like, damn, look at Bert's fucking shoulders. You got traps. You got shoulders. You look jackeded you remember that one day. We did sober October it went back there and Everybody's like how much can you bench?

It was one of those how much do you bench things and we put 225 on the bar and no one could bench it But I just saw you benching it the other day and how how many did you do? How many reps? Ten reps. By the way, for progress, like to be clear, you got pinned the first time. I got pinned. Pinned. Pinned on one. Pinned. I remember.

I don't bench press. And when I did, I was like, this is really stupid. But we were drunk. I love it. I think I did 12 or 13. But I can do 15 now. Every now and then I try it. You know I'm going to blow out my, but I can do 15 now. Every now and then I try it. You know I'm going to blow out my pecs trying to do 15 today.

Do it. Blow them out. Do it. If you do, I'll do 20. Do it. If you guys aren't pussies, you do it. I love this about you. We'll take it to the death. I love this about you.

You don't love it. I love that you own a little territory in my head. You don't love it. I do. You don't. I do. You think you love it. I absolutely do.

You think you love it until we're actually engaged in competition. And then it's an anxiety when you get up to piss in the middle of the night. I know you think about it. I absolutely do. You think you love it until we're actually engaged in competition. And then it's an anxiety when you get up to piss in the middle of the night. I know you think about it. But for real, Joe, you couldn't double them. I could do double them. I doubled them with push-ups. No, that's ridiculous. You couldn't. I definitely could. Could you do 30 reps?

No. 30's tough. No, impossible. It's impossible. No, no, no. My frame can't handle it. At 15, I'd be struggling. At 15, I'd be struggling. At 15, I'd be struggling. But when I did it with you guys, I had no idea if I could even do it. I literally hadn't benched in forever. All I do is kettlebells.

The heaviest weight I do is 70 pounds. Hey, would you ever think about posting when you program for your workout? I would love to know what you do. Did you ever post on Instagram? It's real simple. Do you do circuits? Yeah. Yeah, I do circuits. But I think there's a real value to doing like there's a bunch of exercises that are standards.

Like straight leg deadlifts, clean and press. These things are. Do you start with swings? Do you do like. I start with pushups and bodyweight squats. I start with cold plunge. Every workout's three minutes, 34 degrees. Boom, go from there, 20 bodyweight squats,

20 pushups, 20 bodyweight squats, 20 pushups. You do two sets in a row so that you get two sets of legs, two sets of pushups, so that you get warm up. Then you do the final three. You get to 100 pushups, 100 body bodyweight squats then it's kettlebells and If I'm on a regular schedule, it's 70 pounds

So I go to 70 pounds heavy 70 pounds 10 swings each arm Three sets 10 presses each arm three sets 10 windmills each arm three sets 10 Renegade rows each are renegade rows, each arm three sets. Fuck renegade rows. With 70 pounds at the end of that is rough. Then you go to the sled. Then you go to the sled. Oh, the sled.

And then it's the torque sled, pushing it. You're pushing it about 35 meters, and then you're pushing it, and you're pulling it back. And we do that. We'll do that for three sets. You work with someone? No. I just do it in my head, and then I have comics do it with me. Oh, yeah.

I've been there for those. So then we go from there to Tabatas on the heavy bag. Tabatas are 20-second sprint followed by 10-second rest. So we do that, and we blast out the end of the workout. We put The Rock through this. And the end of the workout- He quit? No.

The Rock is fucking- He was he was cool man he's humble he he didn't he's not a kettlebell guy he had never done cold plunge before before he did it with us what yeah never done it so he is super humble he was he there was no guys built like a fucking superhero right right? But I think he's also doing a lot of stuff to increase, like, the aesthetics. Yeah, the mass. So he's doing a lot of machines. If you look at his Iron Paradise, that insane Jimmy has set up.

Yes. By the way, American flag, fucking prominently displayed. When you look at that setup, that setup is a setup that's perfect for a guy who wants to look like a superhero in a movie. It's perfect. Yeah. But I to look like a superhero in a movie. It's perfect. But I'm concerned with functional

strength. I'm concerned with I want to be able to move my body like an athlete as long as I can. And so we did a bunch of wild shit that he had never done before. Really? Yeah. Windmills are hard, man. Windmills are really hard. It's hard. But I've been doing that

whole routine for so long that my body is like just fucking primed for it. Are you pretty much at that every morning? Is that roughly where you're at? That's one workout that I do twice a week. You know, a guy like me would love to get on Instagram in the morning. Come work out with me. No, but I'd love to get on the morning in L.A. Buddy, I got a flight out at 8.

Let's go. I texted you when I came. Let's, I got a flight out at 8. Let's go. I texted you when I came. Let's have a 5 a.m. workout. I texted you. Buddy, you have no fucking idea. I'll shoot my testosterone at fucking 4.30. Let's do it. No, 3.30.

You wanted to get a couple hours in it where it really gets in your system. I love getting information like that. And then we'll cold plunge first. Cold plunge first while it's dark out. With your big cock. You'll hear. It's not that big. It's regular. Oh, buddy.

The video you showed of yourself getting the cold plunge the other day, I had to stop myself from going, is anyone looking at his cock? Only Bert. Only Bert and a couple of chicks. They call me a hog watcher. If you have a big cock, I'm going to notice. There's something fun about getting in that cold when it's raining out. Oh.

When it's raining out. It was 32 when you got in, that video. No, it was 21. 21. It was 21 outside and 34 inside. How much do you think it's worse? No. What?

What do you mean? No, it's nothing. Getting in the cold when it's cold outside. No. Because it feels like you want a relief from something. No, no, no. It's so much better after the sauna. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.

But it doesn't matter if it's hot out. Once you get in, it's still fucking so cold. It's insane. Do you do box breathing? I just breathe. I'm really accustomed to being in there now.

I love that. So I can just sort of... Great. It's after those first 20 seconds then it's like, just shut up, shut up. Unless you use the Blue Cube.

The Blue Cube, there's an option to have it like a raging river and you never get what's called a thermal barrier oh wow yeah yeah thermal bear you realize how in the weeds you are about cold plunging yeah I'm in the weeds if you want to be a guy who tortures yourself blue cube is the way to go I would love to open up Rogan's YouTube on his computer just see what's suggesting

to him I can't wait till the North Korea finds fucking phone. By the amount of guns I research. And the amount of animal attacks. The polar plunge is badass. Do you do the light thing? Yeah, I do that. Red light therapy. I do that every morning. Did you get that, Ben? Yeah, I got it.

What's that? Yeah, I got it from Gary Brekka. Well, one of the things that's happening is as you get older, your face, your skin starts to get thinner because you have a lack of collagen. And you start looking like, it looks sick. Even if you feel good, your skin has more laxity. In the one and a half months that I've been using it, my skin looks better. What is it? What is it?

It's red light therapy. Red light therapy. What is it? Just like a thing? We could talk about it, but I don't know what I'm saying So I'd be what it's time to shoots light at you. Yeah, it's it it it helps your body Smart sometimes It helps you

Rehabilitate from injuries. There's a lot of there's a lot of things. I'm not the guy to a lot of things. I'm not the guy to talk specifics about it, but I do it every day. Do you still do oxygen chamber? I have one of those. Do you have a barrack? Yeah, I have one of those. You have one? Yeah. I want to do that so bad. And I have a flotation tank. I don't know which one is better for you, because both of them are really

good for you. The flotation tank is, there's a reset that I think you can achieve from that. It's just like doing psychedelics without any of the weird fuckery of recovering and coming back to normal. You get out of there and you're fine.

You're out. If you could take what you get from a sensory deprivation tank in a pill just as a drug, everybody would take it. It's called Xanax. No. It's the opposite.

It's great. It's the best. I bet Xanax is awesome. Xanax is awesome. It's the opposite. That's great. It's the best. I bet Xanax is awesome. Xanax is awesome. I think what that is is the opposite. That's like instead of like pretending your house isn't wrecked. Check out. That's like going in your house and examining all the cracks in your foundation.

Oh, I had to jack off. In a flotation tank? Whatever. Shout out to Kuya. Anyway. You jacked off in one of their problems? No, I didn't jack off in their fucking thing. It's a joke.

Yes, you did. It's a joke. I feel like you did. I probably didn't. Tom, you jerk off. I jerk off a lot. How often are you jerking off? Once every day?

Not as much now. Leanne's on testosterone, too. Not supposed to share that. You did. She won't let you jerk off? She just went secret time. She just went to- Secret time for 11 million people.

Good luck. Careful. Good call. It's not your secret. time for 11 million people. Good luck. Careful. Good call. That's your secret. You want to edit that out? Nope. Nope. Wow.

No, because I like what Waze 2 Well is doing. I do. Yeah, they're awesome. And they got her on testosterone and progesterone, and I'll share that because I think- And she's ready to fuck. Buddy. Buddy. Really?

Yeah. Cowboy? Man, after your apology- Save a horse? After your apology? My wife's friend got on it. I got your name. I had to come on my horse? After your apology. My wife's friend got on it. Oh, really? I got your leg?

I'm going to tell you. Come on my leg in the gym today. My wife's friend is English. Come on my leg. Come on my leg. Go ahead. My wife's friend is English. Who was making it about you?

Go ahead, Joe. My wife's friend is English, and she got on testosterone, and she was telling my wife about it. She goes, I feel like a bloke. She was an English lady. She goes, I feel like a bloke. That's a great guy. But Leanne wants to fuck all the time.

Damn. And I'm telling you, it's ways to wellness. God bless ways to well. Get him on it. She's on progesterone and testosterone. Let's go. I told it to Shane Gillis, and he fucking could not stop making fun of it in the most hilarious way.

He's fucking so good. But it's changed our relationship. We're fucking nonstop. Congratulations. I don't even, I can't even, I don't want to jerk off. Do you remember how? What's that noise again? What? What?

Throw up noise. Oh, no. Oh, when Lan and I fucked? Just joking. No, if you saw us fuck, I think. I would jack off in the corner. I don't think you would. What would I do?

You'd be a lot of like, what's Bert thinking about? You'd be that same face whether you made Open your eyes, Bert. She's getting confused. What's your favorite position, Bert? What's your favorite position, Bert?

It's all your style. It's a good question. I thought you were going to say pegged. I'm so glad you didn't say pegged. No. I like from behind. Yeah.

It's really fucking hot. That's a good one. I never was into asses. That's a good one. I was never into asses. There's a whole category ass Yeah, you were never into asses no I was a tick guy, and I'm still tick eye, but it's funny I look at her ass, and it's it's like it's perfect. It's not like cellulite II and it's just a big ass It's a big lady Should be a fucking cool band like pussy riot

By like I like doggy styles fucking hot it's so fucking hot And I like and I don't know if it's testosterone, but she's check she's like Checked off barriers that were previously in our relationship. Butt-fucking. No, no, no. We haven't had anal sex. Congratulations. We haven't had anal sex. Do you want it? Yeah. Yeah, obviously. Hans Kim

on... No, no, your girls' podcast. Kill Laura. Kill Laura. Laura Compton. I Yeah, yeah, yeah. Laura Compton. First date, yeah, yeah. Kill Laura?

What? I don't know, buddy. Hans Kim. What's the podcast called? First date. First date. Laura Compton. He had a really funny-

Lauren Compton, yeah. Hans Kim's- Lauren Compton, sorry. Lauren Compton. You guys sure? Yeah. Go ahead. He said, I do want to have it, only so I know where I stand with you, that you'll let me

do dirty shit to you, or something like that. Hans said that? Hans said that. Something similar. Sounds like a guy who shouldn't be allowed to have a gun. See where I stand? I fucked it up. Sorry, Hans.

I fucked it up. But it was very funny. Yeah, Hans is funny as shit. I can't stop thinking about, I know this is a weird transition, but that six-hour MPX that Taryn has. It's a good gun. I want to get one of those. Wait, what's this?

I'll get you one. Really? Yeah. Wait, are we telling things we can't stop talking about? I just kept thinking about, I keep thinking about that. I've been thinking about that gun for two years. Can I tell you what I can't stop thinking about? Can I stop telling you what I can't stop thinking about?

Yeah. Did you mention to Snoop that you knew me? I got to pee. That's what you wanted to know? I have to know. Oh, my gosh. No, but I'll tell you what I was thinking about? Yeah. Did you mention to Snoop that you knew me? I got to pee. That's what you wanted to know? I have to know. Oh, my gosh. No, but I'll tell you why. You motherfucker.

I'll tell you why, though. You didn't bring my name up? I'll tell you why. Why? He asked Copperhead. It wasn't a... He didn't want to own up to you. No, no.

It wasn't a long conversation. Oh, okay. And it wasn't settling in to talk. It was the first time I met him, I met him for three seconds. Yeah. And I thought that was it. And at the end of the night when I went in there,

it was, I had major hesitation about walking into his dressing room with his bodyguards and everything around. Papa, you mean Papa? And I just went in to say. And Big Wall? I just went in to say, it was fun to be on the show with you,

and I thought it was that. And he asked for a pic. It was very, very fast. It wasn't long. I went to see Danny Brown. If I had stayed to talk, if he was like, pull up a seat, it would have been something. I went to see Danny Brown, and rap's just not my genre like it is yours.

If he's cool, we become friendly. Danny's fantastic. Daniel Simonson, that's his number one guy. Really? What? Simonson's like, what do you mean? I was like i was sure and we're having a conversation oh cool what's it what about the weather i don't whatever and i look over and daniel's like really yeah really he's trying to be cool but i was trying to navigate the conversation with without looking like you

realize i would have been like if you had worked with him for a year i would have walked in and be like i know tom segura i i I just I was so I so Who I am Yeah But I was I mean here's the thing you say that like because you were in my mind And the fact that you guys work together was a natural thing to bring up But it was also I think when you're in sometimes in those situations You're like when's the time to say this you're kind of nervous about how you say it Yeah, and you're looking for the end to say it.

So if I had talked to him for longer, it would have been a normal thing to bring up. Cheers. I love drinking with you. Okay, I love drinking with you, too. And Ari. Oh, Ari, you're so gay. You're not drinking? Yeah, I got another week.

Yeah, that little dog. Oh, it's so fucking cute. The cutest thing I've ever seen. I think we should. It's so fucking cute. Oh, he's so cute. I just swallow thing I've ever seen. I think we should. It's so fucking cute. Oh, he's so cute. I just swallow his face. Hey, Joe, can I ask you a question?

Sure. So when you watched Conor McGregor and Nate Diaz fight, did you want one of them to win? No. Okay. Really? For real. This is where we started, dude. The main problem I had during commentary was Shaw.

That was the only problem I really ever had. Yeah, there's a lot of guys I love. I love Donald Cowboy Cerrone. I fucking love that dude. I love him. I wish there was more men like that in this world. I love him to death. But when he's fighting Conor McGregor,

I can't have a favorite. I just have to let it happen. These guys, they're all professionals. How do you do that, though? That's impossible. No, I do it. I do it. I even no i do it i do it i do it i swear to god i do it even when sean strickland fought israel out of sandia is he's my friend i love it i love it he's the shit he's the motherfucker he defended me when that whole

n word video came out yeah he said the dude i made that made me tear up yeah i love that dude by the way as a personal favorite 100 as a human, he's one of my favorite people that I've ever met. He's an extraordinary human being. So fun. But when he fought Sean Strickland, I have to be neutral. I have to be like, whoa, what's happening? Well, that's the job. You can't be like that.

It's the job. But even that was during Fight Companion. That was during Fight Companion. Oh, right. Yeah, so that was, I wasn't even working. I was just hanging out here watching the fight. I still have to be neutral. I have to be, I have to have a neutral mindset when I'm watching people fight. Can you just be a fan then? No, no, no, no, no. When people are fighting,

that's just like for my own mind, I don't allow my mind to go into like this avenue where I want someone to win and someone to lose because you'll get a biased perspective. And I know I've been, I've been guilty of that in the past when I was in the early days of my commentary. And I realized that's a flaw. It's a flaw. Like, I have friends that fight, and I love them to death, and I want them to win. But if they don't win, I can't be attached to that. I have to be attached as a person who's appreciating the sport.

I'll check in on them. How you doing? You all right? Yeah, yeah. But the reality of what they're doing is I have to be a clear, objective viewer of the transaction. That's interesting. Who's winning the exchange? Because when I'm hearing MMA commentary, I definitely want what you're saying.

When I hear football or sports commentary, I want to hear the Yankees. I want to hear them go, come on. You can't let that out. Yeah, but the thing is there's a giant difference between a sport and a fight. A fight, you're exposing a man's soul, and you've got to be respectful of that. You're exposing everything about what he's capable of. He's literally, they're fighting to the death. They're just not letting them finish it.

That's what that is. That's true. That's true. I think, by the way, that Kirk Herbstreit does that so well. What? He's an Ohio State graduate. Like, he played there, and he commentates on all the biggest games, and he can commentate on an Ohio State game and-

Be neutral? In my opinion, yes. Oh, see, I want somebody. I would turn the Redskins games on mute and let the radio, like the hometown radio guys. Yeah, I think he's very good at it. Sweet. Sweet. My favorite Nate Diaz clip ever, ever, is the coolest thing, especially if you've ever been bullied.

Do you ever see Nate Diaz when they go, hey, were you ever bullied as a kid? And he just looks and he goes, no, I had a big brother. And your heart swells you go fuck yes and his big brother was nick nick fucking ds nick diaz one of the all-time greats i have to ask this you is there everyone's story broke okay that never happened to you and i had a big brother man man. Fox's big brother. And his big brother's a savage. Savage.

A real legit savage. I remember when Nick Diaz fought Robbie Lawler. Robbie Lawler was the man. He was like 20 years old. He was an assassin just smashing people. And Nick Diaz went into the octagon. And as he walked into the octagon, he was like stomping on the floor.

What part of California is he from again? Stockton. Stockton. Are you serious? Yeah, I forgot for a second. The worst. And he was yelling out Stockton.

Stockton, motherfucker. Stockton. I love it. By the way, I was like, what is going on here? I was confused. As a commentator,

I'm like, what's happening here? He's like, Stockton, motherfucker, Stockton. I can't believe I forgot Stockton. You're the one that brought it up. The only reason I know that. I need it today. Oh, okay.

All I've had is alcohol. Really? Yeah. You worked out. I had a fucking rib eye. I was up late at night. I wrote late at night until four in the morning. Oh, fuck.

Got up, got in the cold, did my workout. Go back to the story. Stockton, motherfucker. So he yells out, Stockton, motherfucker, Stockton. And you see Robbie Lawler going, what? I don't know what that means. And when we thought Nick could beat him, like we knew Nick was a jiu-jitsu guy, but he beat him with boxing. He knocked him out.

He knocked out Robbie Lawler. When he hit him with a right hook and Robbie dropped like face plants, we were like, what? It was nonsense. nonsense like no way somebody bullied ruthless Robbie Lawler He just started I mean Robbie was an animal Robbie was throwing back but Nick was just You gotta understand that that talking shit is a 100% legit

Psychological tactic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It fucks with your mind and impedes your performance 100%. It's a brilliant move. It's in all sports, too. In all high-level sports. It is. And in fighting, I think he did it better than anybody in the beginning.

Nobody did it better in fight. He would talk so much shit to them. Frank Shamrock said that he couldn't believe it was happening to him. Go to Nick Diaz versus Frank Shamrock. I want to see this knockout. I want to see it, too. Okay. Nate's the one that flicked off the cameras, right?

Yeah. I was at that fight. He stunned him with the one-two. Yeah, but Nick was better. All due respect to Nate. Nate will tell you that Nick is better than Nate. Just we killed Nate. Nick was one of the...

No, man. I thought he stopped fighting because he wouldn't get— We're good with Nick, I mean. No, man. I thought he stopped fighting because he wouldn't get tested. No, no, no, no, no, no. Nobody got killed because of weed. I thought he stopped fighting because he was like, I'm not cleaning up. Yeah. No, no. There's no testing now in the UFC.

Now? He's just had some real injuries, man. You've got to go to Nick Diaz, like right there, boom, face plant. You've got to go to Nick Diaz, like right there, boom, face plant. You got to go to Nick Diaz in Strikeforce. If you want to see Nick Diaz at the elite of the elite level, where he achieved like real true greatness. By the time he got to the UFC, he was still great. Even when he fought Gomi and Pride, he was still great.

In Strikeforce, an elite athlete in combat sports has a small window of time where they can perform at their best level. And when Nick Diaz was in Strikeforce, when he was a champ, he was fucking everybody up. He would just walk you down and beat your ass. And if you went to the ground, he would fucking strangle you 100% of the time. He beat everybody's asses. God damn it. The thing is, he would let guys take him down, like, shut up.

You can't knock me out. You never knocked him out. No one knocked him out. He always survived. He always figured out a way to turn into a grappling exchange and then slowly but surely he would beat you out. Nick Diaz swam from Alcatraz.

That's a gangster thing. Five times. No, really? Yeah. To the mainland? a gangster thing. Five times. No, really? Yeah. Five times. To the mainland? Great white sharks. Five times. Might be more.

Nick, I'm sorry if it's more since then. It's probably more since then. He beat everybody down. Beat everybody down. Eventually, you just withered, and he never got tired, and he just kept putting it on you, and at the end of the fight, it was always like this. He was basically hitting a fucking punching bag. A person who couldn't believe the amount of pressure that Nick Diaz put on them.

Just beating the fuck out of them with not even breathing heavy. He did not stop. He did not stop. And he's just standing on top of them like, what? That's it. That's over. That's over. I want you to go to Nick Diaz versus Frank Shamrock, because Frank Shamrock was a legend.

Hardcore. He was a UFC champion. He was the first complete mixed martial artist. He could wrestle. He could submit you. He could do anything. And Nick Diaz the entire time was like, what, bitch? What, bitch?

What are you going to do, bitch? He was just constantly talking to him. And Frank was like, I couldn't believe he was talking to me. He's talking right now. Yeah, always. Give me some volume. See if you can hear it. was like, I couldn't believe he was talking to me. He's talking right now. Always. Give me some volume. See if you can hear it. Love him or hate him, I think he's tremendous for the sport. You need these kinds of characters

in mixed martial arts. I think they both like talking. Frank's trying to focus right now, though. You can tell. Frank using that straight right hand to the body. And the thing is, he's just touching you. He's hitting you with like 50%, 60%. But he's so relaxed.

Look how relaxed his style is. He's not getting tired. Look how easy he's hitting him. Why? Because he's just wearing him out. He's cooking his food. And he's holding back. Yeah. Oh, no, Nick is 100% holding back food. And he's holding back. Oh, no.

Nick is 100% holding back. Look how he's punching him. He's not punching him full force at all. He's just piecing him up. See, the thing is, if you can fight at that style where you're just 50%ing guys, you don't get tired. And if you can do 20 punches at 50%,

it's almost as good as 50 punches at 100%. Yeah. Or rather, 10 punches at 100%. It's like if you cut it in half. The volume also keeps you from being able to take a good breath. Oh, right. The guy's on you all the time. You never get a breather.

Frank's not getting any breathers. And Nick's not tired. Look, he's just piecing him look even that kick there's no real power in it everything is just touching you touch you until he starts to really see you will and look at him look at him look at his stomach look at his stomach there's no breathing heavy at all he's probably at 120 beats a minute right now that's insane this is a fucking guy who runs triathlons So he can stand in front of you

And you are fucking cooked So he's cooking his chicken right now He's got his chicken on the frying pan right now He's fucking He's cooking chicken breasts He's just piecing them up And look, not tired, not exhausted Not hitting them, there's a dig

That's a dig. First dig. That right hand of the body he dug into. So right now he's 100% going after it. Yeah, now he's going after it. See the difference? Look, these punches have a lot more fury behind them, right? Because he's ending the fight.

Frank's already at 180 beats a minute. He's wilting. And he's beating the fuck out of him. And then he helps him out. He goes, you're a legend. Get up. He said that. You're a legend.

Get up. And he holds his hand up. God damn it. Because that's how he feels about him. Wow. That's legitimately how he feels about him. Is there anyone better than Diaz brothers? Yeah.

Brothers. No, the brothers, man. That legend. Look, there's a lot of others. Are they better than Peyton Manning and Archie Manning? Eli Manning? Yeah, Eli Manning? Yeah, of course.

That's all sports are saying. Yeah, like the brothers. No, Peyton and Eli are better. I don't know, man. World titles. Yeah. MVPs. Multiple rings.

Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah, Nate's biggest win. Conor McGregor. That's his big win. You said, though, that elite guys, when they get in there, they do most of the fight at like 60%, 70%, right?

That's one of the reasons why Max Holloway stopped sparring. Max decided at one point in time that he sparred enough, and he understands it, and just does drills and trains and does a bunch of strength and conditioning work. And when he goes into a fight, he hasn't been hit in a long time. And that's his philosophy. But he's also a world champion at the top of, you know, there's a top five pound for pound. Max Holloway should be in there.

Yeah. He's one of the greatest of all time. That's the thing. Like, if you're amateur, you always start going like, I'm going 100%, dude. Yeah. Like, you know, you step in. Yeah. Whether you're doing jujitsu or you're boxing or something, always start going like, I'm going 100%, dude. You step in, whether you're doing jujitsu or you're boxing or something, you're just like, I'm going to go all out. And then you realize this is not sustainable.

It's not sustainable. But those elite guys are like, oh, you've got to make this shit last. Well, Nick Diaz was the best at that. Because he understood endurance from the perspective of someone who swam from Alcatraz, someone who does triathlons. When you do triathlons, you're fucking swimming, you're running, and you're biking. There's three different things you're doing. All of them are exhausting.

And any one of them, when it's over, it should be over. Like, wow, what a workout. But then you got another one. And then after that, you got another one. What does he take? He takes a tourist boat out there and is like, I'll catch up with you guys. No, no, no, no. They do that specifically. Endurance

athletes do it. They swim back from Alcatraz because if you don't make it to the shore, you're dead. And there's also Great Whites. They've nest out there. They nest. San Francisco, that area out there is famous for its population of Great Whites. No, you're dead. That's like, what are you doing?

So there's like a follow boat? I don't even know okay either way he made it all the way five times how far are you soon when you do that I just there it's more than a mile no no it's I think it's if I'm not mistaken though well the currents they do they time it out with a current they don't they don't go with like but the distance just the distance as the crow flies. What's the distance between Alcatraz and the shore? It's got to be at least two miles.

No. Yeah, it's got to be at least a mile. He says, I have done Alcatraz five times. So during the Conor McGregor, Rafael Dos Anjos, anyway, during one of the fights, I said that he did it twice and he corrected me. He corrected me and he said he did it five times. How far is the distance? But this is, by the way, 2016. He's probably done it five times since then. Of course.

He's a fucking psycho. This is a story like, I remember how hot this story was. What's the distance between Alcatraz? It's gotta be at least I'm just telling you on triathlons it's gotta be a mile. Yeah, I think it's more than a mile. I know it is, but I'm just saying you on triathlons, it's got to be a mile. Yeah, I think it's more than a mile. I know it is, but I'm just saying to be safe, it's over a fucking mile. Whatever.

Okay, what happened with the Kane story? Kane Velasquez? Velasquez. He hasn't been convicted in 1.25 miles. Okay. It's a long swim, dude. It's a long swim. Kane has not been convicted.

He's still locked up? No, he's free. They released him on bail. Can I ask you to pause for a second? Is Kane Velasquez the guy in Hawaii whose son? No. No, he's a guy in Northern California whose son was molested by someone who was running the daycare center. Same, same.

I thought it was Hawaii. He's from AKA. He's one of the greatest heavyweights of all time. In his prime, maybe the best. And he found out that his son had been molested by a daycare worker. And he went after that guy and drove his car in a rage and shot a gun at him. And they arrested him. They kept him in jail for a long time.

And they finally let him out on bond, and now he's coaching at AKA, and I don't know what the status of his case is, but Kane is an exceptional human being. Totally. He's an amazing human being. I feel like that was a story where, like, most people in the world.

Every dad who heard that was like, I fucking get it. I get it 100%. He's like, you got to be careful with straight bullets. But yeah, I get the reason. The guy who did that is out. What? Yeah, the guy who did that is out on bail. So he's out.

And Kane was in jail at the same time. It's one of the most terrifying situations a father could ever find themselves in. And not just know that that guy is out but that you're in prison and that your wife is home with your children and this guy who has already targeted your kid who knows how fucking sick he is he might try to target him again while you are in jail because you're and you might be in jail forever who knows you might be in jail for 30 years who knows it's attempted murder he was shooting a gun at the guy

allegedly you know but I'm on team Kane does he have a GoFundMe I don't know but if he is I'm donating I'm on team Kane

all day every person in this room except Ari who has a kid but even Ari for his dog everyone gets it

I'm totally on board Strangler but there's a feeling when you have kids man there's a fucking protection feeling. Jim Brewer said it to me. He goes, I never understood murder. He goes, now I get murder. He goes, I had murder for my kids.

GoFundMe shut down. What? GoFundMe shuts down Cain Velasquez fundraiser, says donors issued refunds. Oh, my God. Why'd they shut it down? Violation of terms of service. What's your terms of service? It says that GoFundMe prohibits.

Legal defense of a violent crime. Oh, okay. Prohibits raising money for the legal defense. Yeah. But why? So, hurricane? You couldn't raise money for hurricane? No, it's not a violent crime. What do you mean Prohibits raising money for the legal defense. Yeah. But what? So Hurricane, you couldn't raise money for Hurricane? No, it's not a violent crime.

What do you mean? It's between human beings. What? Act of God. Hurricane? No, no, no. You mean Ruben Hurricane Carter? Yeah.

Oh. You couldn't have his defense? I'm glad. You know, I just added Bob Dylan's Hurricane to my Spotify green room playlist, which will now be available. That's why I knew. Hardcore N-word use in that song. I knew you were saying Hurricane. Is it? Bob Dylan should be. Yeah, why I knew. Hardcore N-word use in that song. I knew you were saying hurricane.

Bob Dylan should be, yeah of course. Bob Dylan says N-word. That hurricane story is complicated. Yeah but so you couldn't raise money for that defense with the new GoFundMe rules? Yeah but that story's complicated. Whether or not that person was

guilty or not is complicated. The hurricane story? Yeah. Yeah, it's a little complicated. And the version in the movie is 100% horseshit. Oh, wow. The version in the movie of the guy who's targeting him, horseshit. In the movies, they always do that with Fruitvale Station.

They can't make him a drug dealer, so he's like, here, take all my weed. I'm done. And it's like, you could be a drug dealer and not deserve to get shot. Yeah. Well, also, when drugs are legal and some drugs will get you put in a cage and the people that own the patents to those drugs are funding politicians, like, what? What? Yeah.

You know, you just don't want entrepreneurs. You don't want drug dealers on a street level. You have drug dealers everywhere. Every time you go to Walgreens, there's a fucking plexiglass wall behind you and the drug dealer. True. They're filled with people's stuff. Me and Kevin Ice were driving through Arizona, and we passed by some prisons. We were just looking them up.

They all renamed, rebranded. They made $2 billion. If you told them, hey, one of your big funding things is weed arrests, we're going to make that not a problem, they're going to go full on and make that illegal. You know that prison guard unions lobby to keep marijuana from being decomposed. You're taking away a quarter of our business. Just to keep them employed, basically. Yeah, because it's like if you're a business person, that's what you're supposed to do

if you have shareholders, if you have union members. You're not supposed to do it morally. You're supposed to do it like what's the benefit of this group of people that I represent.

That's what's dirty about corporations. But are you wise enough to not do that? Say you're the, what's the family that Jelly Roll just talked about

at Congress? The Bilderbergs? No, the Clintons. No, but he talked about a family that did all opioids. Sackler family. Sackler family. I'm just saying, be fair. The kids are saying, let's get out of this.

Could you walk away from millions? Who? You, as a person out of this. Could you walk away from millions? Who? You as a person and say like- You like to say you could. I like to say I could. I like to say I could, but I'm just saying I can't. If you were in the family, the Sackler family, and all that shit was going down. The kids are like, shut it down.

Do you think you would have kept your mouth shut? Yeah. If you knew that everybody was dying? Yeah. You justified yourself. Everyone would. Everyone would. Everyone would. You're lying. I mouth shut? Yeah. If you knew that everybody was dying? Yeah. You'd justify it to yourself. Everyone would. Everyone would. You're lying.

I think Facebook started nice. If you're on a yacht in fucking Mykonos. No, this is what I believe. I think Facebook started nice and it was all friendly. It's super nice. And then once Zuckerberg realized, oh, people are turning on each other hard for your thing, he's like, keep it running. Just keep it running.

We got a machine here. Yeah. Buddy, it's so hard. I don't think it was intended. To walk away from money. Uh-huh. Philip Morris. Not everyone has a sweet thing in life. Philip Morris, too. Yeah, buddy, it's so hard to walk away from money. Not everyone has a sweet thing

in life. Philip Morris, too. How much money are we talking about? You're willing to let people die for this money? I'm just saying I'm not better than the average person. You know what? I'm going to stop you right here. What you're saying, this is what I'm going to stop you. You're you.

And those people that work for the Sacklers are a different thing. If you take flour and sugar and chocolate and you mix it up and you make it a fucking cake, that's how you make a cake. If you want to make sourdough bread, you need different ingredients. If you want to make sourdough bread, you need different ingredients. If you want to make a really nice guy who's a good dad and a good husband and a funny guy and does a tour and does stand-up comedy, you go through your life. I disagree. And you make Bert Kreiser. You make you. you if you want to make a sackler you have to have disconnected parents you have to have this weird privilege of insane financial wealth you have to have a pharmaceutical gigantic company

that's been bribing politicians and manipulating narratives and shaping the public's view of pharmaceutical drugs by hiding negative side effects and accentuating the positive benefits of it all for money. But also all the lawyers, all the secretaries, everybody there. But this is the environment that you grow up in. You're a different thing. It would be hard. You're a different thing.

You right now would pass up on the money. No, 100%. I have money right now, but I'm saying... No, I'm saying if you got a fucking phone call and the Sackler said, this is going to sound crazy, but it turns out you're a part of the fucking Sackler family and you have a seat on the board

and you can come in and you're a part... We didn't know, but you're a part of the family and we have to give you a piece and you got to come in. You're worth $10 billion now. No, that's different. That's inheriting it. What but you're a part of the family, and we have to give you a piece, and you've got to come in. You're worth $10 billion now. No, that's different. That's inheriting it. What if you're a comedy? What if something you do now, you realize—

No, but that's Sackler family inherited their wealth, Ari. That's why this is valid. He didn't. He built up his life. That's why he wouldn't do it now. You would do it if you were trapped in that environment. If you were trapped in that environment, it was damaging people. That's what determinism is.

The idea behind it is you're shaped by all of the different circumstances you encounter. And to compare your circumstances to another circumstances are crazy. They don't make any sense. But I'm wondering, just argument's sake, if they had said to me at a young age, you know, get out of comedy, the Sacklers have this thing called OxyContin. And it's really helping with cancer. And it's like, because that's how you get into it, right? Yeah, but for sure you would have got out at an early age.

It's like if somebody gave you a lottery ticket. If you got a lottery ticket and you won $100 million. I've thought about this all the time. It would probably ruin your career when you were 21 a thousand percent a hundred percent no oh yeah at 21 it would have for you wouldn't have gotten out of it you would have taken it no you would have taken the money and you would have become a loser no i'm saying you wouldn't got out of the money you know you would have taken the money if you're if you don't have any money when you get money it is the panacea it is the elix. It is the thing that exists that you didn't think was possible.

Now, all of a sudden, you're not worrying about bills, which is 35% of everybody's fucking stress. Those wardens, those prisons, they're convincing themselves, no, no, these are dangerous drug addicts. We can't have them on the street. They're convincing themselves. They're not lying. They're like lying to themselves. Yeah, but you don't even have to convince yourself. Man, that's a human dynamic that was exposed in Stanford prison experiments

Yeah, if you get people and they have power over other people they start abusing them almost Instantly like you have to have like a very specially if somebody tells you yes to do it But at the same time it's like no They're not totally debunked re at the end of it these people But at the same time, it's like... No, they're not totally debunked, Ari. At the end of it, these people decided that they wanted to get out of it, and they got out of it. But the reality is, the way they behaved with each other was documented. It was like leading them.

Yeah, but you couldn't lead me to do that. I don't know. See, that's my problem. You couldn't right now, but you could if I was 20. He was like, they weren't really convinced. And they were like, push harder, go. And it's like, okay. They weren't convinced they were actually doing it.

There's been a lot of weird things about people in power. And one of the weirdest ones is there was people that were administrating electrical shock to a person. And they were told to do it by someone else so they did it. And it got to the point where they thought the person might be dying and some people kept doing it and some people

did not. And there is a power dynamic that I think allows people to torture people it allows people to torture people. It allows people to kill people, whether they're, you know, whatever the fuck you are. If you're an Israeli, a Palestinian, if you're a Palestinian-Israeli, you can kill someone. They're not even a human.

That is the other. Yeah. There's a fucking programming that exists in our mind because of all the tribal warfare human beings have gone through over hundreds of thousands of years when the time we were prehistoric humans time we were fucking modern humans we have been killing each other for so fucking long that we have a program in us where it's easy to other people that's how the holocaust happened that's how what's happening in ukraine is happening what's happening israel is happening you can decide that someone is something other than a human being. And they can get you to do that pretty fucking quickly. If they tap into that mindset, they tap into that programming, they can give you a button.

They go, hit him. But he said he's dying. Hit him. Hit him. And they would hear him scream. They would have them screaming. I have to say, I say this with love. Tom's dad was in the Vietnam War.

I don't think Tom's dad was a guy that wanted to ever kill anyone, but he had to in that programming. The thing I think is there's a disconnect with where we as Americans look at things on social media and we think we're not that Karen. We're not that person. We'd never do it. But until you're in that moment, you don't know. You really don't know there's a lot of normal GIs in Vietnam that were raping fucking villagers you know

probably they didn't go in as monsters there's so many war crimes if you can't connect to the fact that that's in you that's in you then I think you're lying to yourself it's a possibility when you go into that

when you show up, you don't just go, the training, you do get trained to be a killer. That whole speech of like, they are training you to see the enemy as the enemy and somebody

you have to kill. It's not day one. You're prepared over a series of months, and it's a version of a brainwashing. They brainwash you to become a killer. Like, this is good. Do it. But there's a pattern that you can follow in your head where you can destroy another human being.

A thousand percent. And that's what Customato taught Mike Tyson. He taught Mike Tyson that through hypnosis. He taught him the most effective way to To think and to view you don't exist. He was telling them you're just the task is the only thing that's important you don't exist What is this the task of smashing this person is all that it is And if you can think like that that alleviates so much brainpower Wow, itates the guilt.

And if you tell that to a soldier, you can get them to do some wild shit. And they do. And they do. Your dad talked to you about that. Yeah. In later years, yeah. I'm curious. I would love to hear the insight your dad had about that. As a son, hearing a dad going like, yeah, I just had to kill people.

My dad's never killed anyone, but this was he was a he had asthma But like but no no, but I'm curious because we're talking about this like like What was that as a son here in the rationale you have to accept you have to figure it out Yeah, and he was a great dad and he's a really kind loving guy, but I mean First of all, I loved the Marine Corps. He loved the Marine Corps. Well, imagine the bonds that you make when you're literally fighting for life and death.

Yeah. And he had, you know, he's a lieutenant. So he has a platoon of 70 men under his command. So you feel also the responsibility. And, like, you know, he told me right before he died like in the last year of his life that he thought about

the men who died in his platoon every day and he'd never told me that before I was like what he goes every day I think about those guys that I lost

and I was like because I had no idea he never spoke about it and he would tell me like stories about different guys dying next to him stepping on a mine next to him,

stepping on a mine next to him, exploding three feet from him, getting shot. The worst one, he said, was a guy that to watch movies back then, you'd have to go to a base, get a film canister, and bring it back. And in a monsoon season, one of those guys went to get films just for entertainment, and he drowned in a monsoon on the way back. What? So it felt like a more meaningless death. Yeah. He wasn't in combat.

Right. Things like that. He would talk about that, and then also they do become, Jesus. They do get this disconnect if you're in combat. It's not like you talking about could you kill someone.

It's like you're in a world of killing. That's all that's happening around you. It's not could you, you have to. You have to. And so then he was just like, yeah. That's when he started telling me. Because I asked him as a kid. I mean, I ended up doing a bit about it.

But I used to ask him as a kid, because you see wars and you're like you see movies and you're like did you do that and as a kid you're not gonna tell the kids he was like no it didn't work like that i was in charge like i was a lieutenant i was like and then later years he's like well i threw grenades in the bunkers and i was like were there people in the bunkers he was like yeah although that's why it was a grenade yeah he's like oh yeah and then he also said I mean it became like this joke but it was true he said you know there's no there's no better feeling than killing the enemy right like in in combat because they're all trying to kill the people around and they are killing people around right so yeah he said you know he said they would pull bodies out of these holes

the vietnamese are small people stature wise so they would hide in holes a lot of times like holes in the ground coochie tunnels and they would throw grenades into there and then when they pull them out they'd be in half so they just pull like a torso out you know and but he also said you know losing men left and right like in your platoon i mean it's devastating to you so the person you bonded with and and here's basic training you're over there for a lie yeah i think that's a part that they don't a lot of people don't ever reconcile with if if they're that's got to be the hardest yeah You're over there committing atrocities for a lie. Yeah.

There's no reason for you to be there. Like they're not here. You're over there. The Gulf of Tonkin incident wasn't real. The Gulf of Tonkin, too, is something that even active duty people at the time didn't realize until 20, 30 years. You know what I mean? They're not. Well, that's Smedley Butler, The War is a Racket. That's his whole article that he wrote from 1933.

He was a very established general. At the end of his career, he writes what he was really doing, what he thought he was doing. It was really just like making things safe for bankers. Wow. Controlling resources. This is 33. Wow. Controlling resources. This is 33. Wow.

It's called War is a Racket. Really? I recommend it to everybody. Making things safe for bankers. I think you've talked about that before. I've talked about it every time I can because people need to understand these patterns. They're repeating themselves forever because they're a part of human behavior patterns. They're these natural patterns that exist in order to

enable us to survive. To survive, you have to conquer your enemies, control resources, establish safe grounds, and that stuff can get out of hand if that's your whole business. If that's your whole business, you've been doing that forever, then you find reasons to go to war.

That war machine. Eisenhower talked about it at the end of his presidential term. That's how you get to Hillary Clinton. It's still, it's still. drone him.

Yeah. Wait, is your dad still alive? Yeah. Is your dad still alive? Yeah, allegedly. You know,

my uncle, my dad was active duty on the ground. My uncle flew over 600 missions in Vietnam. Damn. Dropping bombs. on your mom's mean think about

Think about those numbers though. That's just 600 times Jesus Christ imagine being the guy in the plane that drops the fucking nuke the first nuke Do you ever see the guy that did? And he was like... It fucked him up. Oh, wow. No, one of them was like, that's just what it is. You know, the big thing is they didn't know.

That guy just killed 150,000 people. But they didn't know if their plane was going to be able to get away from the bomb. It would go over. So they had to fucking fly crazy altitudes to try to get out of the bomb isn't that crazy like first time you're not exactly sure yeah did you see oppenheimer it's amazing i read the book shut up no you don't read i don't read i don't even read i do read okay of course you do

but if i read i read like 10 of what i listen to books on tape but i wish you read for less huh i wish you read less why it'd be easier to hang out with you my heart is going to read this joe you know too much man it's like i can't you're like you knew me when i was stupid yeah i know i wish i got that joe let's smoke i got the early joe the dumb joe that was the my favorite joe this joe like before he discovered a book oh Oh, fuck. I remember when you got curious. I remember it. I've been curious forever. We were just talking about aliens.

I didn't have a platform where I could get people to talk to me. As long as you can keep from moon landings or aliens or pyramids, you're good. Leanne said, Leanne's always wondered, what's it like hanging out with Joe? And I was like, I don't know. It's really hard to explain. And then you hung out with her the night. I don't know what you were talking about because I just stopped listening. But you were like about inclusions and Bob Lazar and the fucking.

Yeah, we were talking about this lady, Diana Posolka, who was on the podcast. She's a religious scholar and she was talking about how there is a growing theory that these experienced people having with UFOs, UAPs, alien abductions, that this is not something from another planet. It's something that's always been here. It's an

interdimensional being that there's a bunch of different variables that have to come into play for these things to be able to pass forth into our realm, but that they're somehow or another monitoring us and have always been. And that these crash retrievals, they call them donations. Best post-sex conversation I've ever had. Hope Brogan was right.

I want to be angels with you up in heaven. Yeah. It was cool as fuck. Yeah. Chung with Joe for fucking 10 minutes, and then we had sex, and she was right. I want to be angels with you up in heaven. It was cool as fuck. She hung out with Joe for fucking 10 minutes and then we had sex and she was like hey I love that idea. Those angels were real. It's cool.

I think if you stopped and thought about how many cultures believe in some greater power that's above everything that they intuitively know is guiding you in a moral and ethical direction there's got to be something to it yeah there's something to it i agree suck my dick louis ck you're right he can suck my dick he doesn't believe because he didn't believe in anything well that's a fair way to believe

no you want to just do it based entirely on evidence. That's a very reasonable perspective. He's a total atheist. Because he's like, you're just making up a reason it's this. Yeah, but I like that more. I like that more. I think the universe is God. That's what I think.

Keep going. I think this idea of God creating the universe is silly. I think the whole thing is God. I think it's God in the fact that it's the entire creation of everything that exists that we can measure. All of it is the universe. And if you read the Bible, the Bible talks about in the beginning there was light.

Boy, that sounds a lot like the Big Bang. Boy, that sounds a lot like the birth of the universe. I think these fucking people that wrote the Bible were recounting stories that were told down through people that had a scientific understanding of the birth and death of the universe just like we do now maybe even more than we do now and then they got hit by asteroids and then it was thousands of years for civilization

reestablished itself and the stories had been told down handed down forever and ever and by the time people wrote them down they were goofy and they were goofy and there's like God created the earth in six days and the whole story of Adam and Eve. And there's probably a lot to all of it that's true. And it's probably a historical record that was told to people that were essentially barbarians that were surviving from the collapse of a superior civilization, superior to what we have today. And there's a lot of real physical evidence of that. There's a lot of archaeological evidence of that. And it seems to be a direction that a lot of people are headed into when they understand how often we get hit

with asteroids. Somewhere around 11,800 years ago, we got pelted and it stopped civilization in its tracks. And we had to rebuild rebuild from scratch and the people that survived were probably monsters monsters the mongols and the fucking hordes and the barbarians they were the most harsh people because that was the only way you survived because there was no longer a technologically advanced civilization it was all just barbarism and there's very few animals to eat because there's a nuclear winter because the sky is filled with foot the the impact of this massive meteor that slams into earth and kills 70% of all the people

And then about 6,000 years later they start figuring out mathematics again. Wow. This is why I started this podcast That's what I think. What do you think as a, you grew up religious. Uh-huh. What is your take on God? You gave up your Lord. Yeah. They said the years were different. So when they said it was created 5,000 years ago, they're like, that's our understanding

of the years. Yeah. They're like, this guy lived to 260. But that's just, I don't know, some seasons passed. When they wrote that, they didn't even have a sundial. Right. So they're like, how old are you? I don't know.

We don't have calendars. But are you a believer in a higher power? No. No. Why? What do you mean, why? What happens when you die? There's no why to a belief.

What happens when you die? When you die, everyone will forget you. No. But when I die, I'll be remembered and heralded. You know I've worked really hard so that doesn't happen. You know, that's one of my biggest things about working is I wonder, because they say you die twice. You die when you die and then you die when the last person that remembers you dies.

I try to go to graveyards. I try to look at the graveyards and see who they are and try to say their name and keep them alive a little longer. Whoa. That's creepy. Sometimes I call my dead friends on their cell phone numbers. Do they ever answer? Nope.

They never got that number again? That's interesting. I don't like the death thing. I don't believe in it. You don't believe in death? Yeah. It's never happened to me. I have one phone that I keep active because I have a text message chain from Anthony Bourdain

and a voicemail from a buddy who might have died. A pool player? No, Dave Dolan, my private investigator friend. He was the funniest guy I ever met that never did stand-up. I was an amateur comic, and he was a private investigator that lost his driver's license because he was drunk driving. So he needed an assistant. And so he really just needed someone to drive him. so uh i was like private investigator's assistant that'd be a cool job so i just start working for this guy and uh he died a few years back when he left me a voicemail it's fucking awesome what was the last text anthony

bourdain sent you that's a good question please let him call call you. No, there was a restaurant, and I took a photo of this chef that was prominently figured on the wall. I go, who's this guy? And it's Marco Pierre White. You know who he is? Mm-mm. Google that guy. He's one of the most extraordinary chefs that's ever existed. He's like a true artistic genius that's a chef.

Where's he based out of? He's English. Yeah, he's English. He's amazing. He's a really fascinating guy. There's a ton of videos of him talking about food. The way he approaches food is the way you know Rembrandt approach paintings I mean he's a he's a wizard I mean he's legitimate he's 100% all in I believe now the way he's he

sets up these insane restaurants and I think one of them he's using now from a farm if I remember correctly that like he runs he's that he's certainly done that in the past where they source all of their ingredients, everything. From that location. Love it, love it. And they set the menu. I mean, it's just, it's cuisine taken to a level of precision that it just doesn't, it's not just food. The food experience I had in Asia, by the way,

was unbelievable. Yeah, I saw your posts. it was unbelievable yeah i saw your post it was unbelievable so how did you know where to go a lot of it was that philip lee was there our friend philip lee the chef he was in tokyo tell you where to go oh that's amazing been there a month oh that's amazing so he like we went to an omakase sushi place for lunch that I was like, this is absolutely insane. A teppanyaki place at a hotel. Here's the, one of the things. Oh my dick's hard.

Oh my God, so teppanyaki, like, oh, he said this thing that I was like, oh, I didn't realize this, that in the States, a lot of times when you stay at a hotel, you go, we gotta get out of the hotel to find something good to eat, right? Like the hotel restaurant restaurant you're like is shit

but the thing in Tokyo is that hotels like your fucking Hyatt hotel has a restaurant that you're like I wish I could eat here every night like the food you know it's that thing of like the

ingredient is the star so like a salad you have a it's that thing of like the ingredient is the star. So like a salad, you have a basic salad. The tomato is like the best tomato you've ever had. The lettuce is. We had king crab. They go, do you want king crab at this teppanyaki place? And I was like, yeah, I like king crab. And I'm thinking of it all the times I've had it before.

And they bring it out raw. It had just been brought in from a ship earlier that day, and then they just season it, put a little butter on the griddle there, and prepare it, it was the best. I never had anything like that before. The Wagyu Mafia, which is like a theater performance, it's six table top, and it's just 13 different variations

of Wagyu beef. Wow. I mean, and then we went to Hong Kong and we had, there's this place called New Punjab Club. It's a one star Michelin place Indian food that was. What's one star mean? So one star, it's like yeah, there's three star possibilities. So one star is that this is, if it's accessible to you, it's worth going to eat here. two stars is like it's worth going out of your way to eat here three stars is it's worth

making a trip to go to this place just to eat here i went to one of those so the ones yeah we went to a three-star in singapore that was called zen that was just unbelievable but in hong kong that indian place their kitchen was smaller than the space we're in right now. Whoa. And they had a- How many seats? They had probably six tables. And they had a cylinder, like a ceramic cylinder.

They brought us into the kitchen with coal down there and they just take sticks and they put them in there with chicken and beef and everything. And it gets to like, fuck, I don't know, a thousand degrees in there. But every beef and everything and it gets to like, I don't know, a thousand degrees in there. But every dish came out and you're like, this is, everything we ate was like, this is the best thing I've ever eaten.

But the three star in Singapore really was one of those experiences where the experience starts when you walk in. When you walk in. You know, waiting room experience. Did you ever see the movie The Menu? Yes. It's good. Isn't it amazing?

I love that movie. That's such a good movie. It's so great. Me and Bobby Kelly went to Noma in Copenhagen. No. I took us there just to- That Noma's the motherfucker, right? Yeah.

It was like best restaurant three out of five years. And the guy was like, we were at a festival. He's like, let's just go see it. They ain't going to get you in. And they go, hey, these guys are comedians visiting. Wait, hold on. Is this pre-lap band surgery? Oh, yeah.

Oh, fuck yeah. And anyway, I get a call. I'm taking a nap. I'm taking a nap. I get a call. We got a cancellation for lunch. You want to come in? And I was like, yeah.

I call Bobby. He's with the promoter. Bobby's like, no, we had a shorter pizza. And the guy hit him in the face and said, put that pizza down and go over there right now. And Bobby said, I'll eat the pizza also. 26 course lunch. They don't have lemons because it's not local.

They don't want to only use local. Everything's local, yeah. So we use ants that give you that lemony zest. Ants. Fried moss. Ants, ants, ants. Ants. There was a pairing, a booze pairing.

Fried moss. It's great. There was a booze pairing. Bobby's like, I'm an alcoholic, can't eat it because we have a juice pairing for you. There's no level that they won't- Accommodate to make an experience. Where we were in the kitchen,

there were three guys peeling walnuts, the little brown casing on a walnut. And I was like, who are those guys? They're high level chefs. I'm like, what are they doing? They don't want that shit getting stuck in your teeth. This is one of the things you wish you could share. Yeah, the ants right there.

You wish you could share this experience with everybody. Like, just so they get to have something like this. Oh, that fucking ants. Yeah. And you just do it. You don't think twice. It's amazing. All right.

What's better? Sushi in Japan? Or, like, that high-end sushi? Or pasta in Europe? Like, when you're in Italy. Yeah, low-end sushi or pasta in Europe. When you're in Italy. Yeah, low-level food's good too. No, but I mean like what, like if you had to pick. Why does everything have to be a competition with you, Bird?

I'm just trying to start a conversation. I want you to pick teams. Yeah, some of that shit's great too. A local, small. Buddy. Ham and pasta. Ham and tortillas. Listen, man.

Taco in Mexico City. If I had two foods to choose For the rest of my life Only based on flavor It's Italian and Mexican 100% No Asian forever

Yeah yeah yeah No Italian would be Asian's great But I like to get drunk And I like a fucking burrito Yeah I like

Ham or tortillas Are fucking next level Remember those chicken burritos We used to get in San Diego When we go to La Jolla Don Carlos Oh Did you ever go to La Jolla or Carlos oh that's like that really watery red sauce that was on the chicken oh my god

you cuz I'm good where you cuz on Vermont in LA no it's a parking lot with a like a hut like a stand look like a like where you would go to get a parking ticket that's the kitchen whoa and she got the james beard award really yeah really and it's like just tacos the way she made them in yeah and i guarantee you those high-level chefs from that would love to eat at yucca's bro if it wasn't for the fact that it's not good for you i'd be because i'd be mexican food every day mexican food italian food i'd be linguine left yeah day. Mexican food and Italian food. I'd be eating linguine with clams. There she is on the left.

Wow. If food was just calories purely and there was no nutrition at all. That's the whole restaurant, dude. There was no concern what's good for your body and bad for your body. Oh, my God. I'd be eating pizza and pasta all day long. There's nothing better than pizzas. Wow.

That's what I'd be eating. Lasagna. If food was all just, every food was equal. A rigatoni norcina. What's the one with the egg yolk in it? I'm hungry right now. Oh, yeah, they mix it up. Carbonara.

Carbonara is the fucking greatest. Have you eaten at Felix in Venice? No, I've never been there. Pulled up, pulled up, pulled up. Jesus. I've heard many. Pulled up, pulled up, pulled up. Evan Funky.

He's got three restaurants now. He's got Mother Wolf. He's got Funky. I've been to Mother Wolf and that's fucking awesome in Hollywood I don't even think about going gluten free

when I go to that joint Mother Wolf is the shit for real? yeah I let that carnivore diet go fuck itself we're here for mouth pleasure Evan is a wizard

he's been on the podcast before he has? yeah he's a wizard it's just when you see him they're artists about it they're thinking about it. They're thinking about it on another level. Brother, Roy Choi,

a friend of Tom, Tom and I used to do dinner with Roy Choi all the time. He lived next door to me. He revolutionized taco trucks. Good friend of mine, Anthony Bourdain. He said to me one time,

we went to dinner for his daughter's birthday and he said, I said, what are you having for dinner? And he said, I'm going vegan. I said, really? He said said i'm going vegan i said

really he said i'm going vegan for a year because i feel like uh meat has dominated my palate and i want to i want to really challenge my palate wow to find flavor again those guys do it for and then and then you go wow that's that's dedication to the craft that's fucking next level man that's the fucking thing. I couldn't do that Dom go eat squash for a year stupid. I can eat ribeye steaks 365 days a year Yeah, I'll be fine. You gave me two sins. Yeah, let's go another rogues. They're two row me you turn me on these Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah pass me to I'm into 24 milligrams hey It's a drop drop on the ground We're going to ask him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Pass me two. I'm into 24 milligrams. Hey. It dropped. Dropped on the ground.

Dropped on the ground. I take it off the fucking ground. Take it off the ground. Don't be scared. Do it with your mouth. Do it with your mouth. There's only random people from all walks of life. Scientists.

I already sat in that seat many times. I did. It's not the safest. Most certainly. At least dribble. I'm not in love with the seating choice for Protect My Parks. You're not what? I'm not in love with the seating choice for Protect My Parks. You're not what? I'm not in love with the seating choice for Protect My Parks.

Why? I don't know. I like where you are. Right here. Yeah. In Norman City. Switch it up. Switch it up.

I'm not in love with sunglasses either. Oh, no. They have to go sunglasses when they get fucked up. It lets Shane be Shane. It lets Tim Dillon be Tim Dillon. You got to give a man the option of sunglasses. You have to. Really?

Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. What are you doing? What are you doing? It's like how a lot of people- Look at that cock. Here, let me show you mine. He's going to piss into a jar. You know there's a bathroom out there?

Ari, Ari, Ari. Wait, a closer one? Ari, Ari. No, it's not a closer one. No, don't do that. Ew. You got a lot of sack, bro. I got a lot of sack.

Not a great dick. Your sack looks like you lost 500 pounds. Thank you. You had like 80 pounds lot of sack. Not a great dick. Your sack looks like you lost 500 pounds. Thank you. You had like 80 pounds in your sack. Let's see yours. Joe, let's go viral. Let's go viral. No, no, no.

I'm not showing my dick. I'm a grown man. Are your balls bigger than your dick? No, they're regular. Yeah? Yeah. Do you have a hard time cumming? Nope. For real? No. What do you think about hard time coming? Nope

For real? No What do you think about when you come? I really don't have a thing Come on man Don't piss in the fucking Why don't you go to the bathroom? Just pinch your dick

Go out there Take your headphones off and go walk out Ari Go walk Don't piss in my mug I'll take it Just walk them both out now. You should have just left before.

How much piss do you have left in you? Do you really have a good gauge? Yeah, it's done. I was going to get the top of the bubble. I need to tell you that when you have to piss and you do piss, it's one of the great feelings of life. It feels so good. It's so good, and it's one of those things we're ashamed of,

so we don't talk about it. We really appreciate A good solid piss If you've been drinking beer Zip it up Don't zip your dick in your How many times You've done that

Caught your dick in your zipper Yeah I've done that That's horrific That stopped me From going bareback I thought like bareback Was like a wild person's way To do it

Yeah yeah yeah I don't need no Fucking underwear I'm not a pussy Do you not wear underwear A couple times I caught my dick In my zipper

He never does I don't wear underwear. I know. I pulled your dick out in front of everybody at Vulcan. I know. You did? I pantsed him. I pantsed him during Kill Tony. His ass was hanging out. I was like, let's go. Let's go.

You get a little shaft caught in a zipper that'll change you. No. No? It's not good. You need underwear. That'll... No. No? It's not good. It's fucking... You gotta re-approach the wrong way.

You need underwear. You need underwear. Underwear are important. Keep it together. No. No? No. Okay.

You just feel great though, huh? Especially in a suit pant. You wear one of those seek things. You feel like a wild person. Your dick's just flopping around. Yes, I have. That must feel good

with no underwear. You remember those days where the girls were getting caught getting out of limos with their pussies? Yep. Britney Spears. On purpose.

On purpose. 100%. Because the camera was down. The camera was literally focused on their vagina. Yeah. Like down low. Imagine. It's like a wildlife photographer.

Yes. Catch a falcon. Catch a falcon and move it over. See if these fucking jaguars are going to come out of that. They did it. It was like they figured out how to be viral early on. Just show your pussy. That was so fascinating to me when I learned that a lot of those people that are always in paparazzi,

that they give a heads up to the paparazzi. Oh, yeah. You know, I didn't know that originally. And you're like, oh, they call. Like, I'm going here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, I'm having a beard and then they go yeah exactly jesus how do you deal with paparazzi how do i deal with them do you engage or do you just tap out i mean the only thing i think i deal with is probably autograph people that just are they've never had like paparazzi come up to you yeah i did it on it on Melrose, and in LA,

but they're not like, here. But are you generous, or are you just like, angle up on yourself? The TMZ guys are good guys. They're good guys. They're good guys.

I've known a few of them that were comics, that you know, were just like. That guy gave us headphones? Yeah, they're good guys. Just trying to make a buck.

Just making money. I was talking to some hot foreign chick at the patio of the store, and I was just coming up, and the guy was like, hey man, when you're done with the date,

can I get an interview with you, TMZ? I was like, yeah, sure. I talked to her for another 20 minutes, then she left store and I was just coming up and the guy was like, hey man, when you're done with the day can I get an interview with you, TMZ? I was like, yeah sure. I talked to her for another 20 minutes, then she left and I was like, you don't really want an interview. No, I was trying to make you look cool. And I was like, nice. That was fucking awesome.

That's hilarious. That's a good move. There was like 20 of them outside of a store once and then they all surrounded me and I was like, you're not here for me and they're like no so-and-so is shopping over here but they're just nice yeah most of them are just people man and then they also get abused all the time but some of them are fucking creeps some of them are like yeah invading privacy yeah you ever see a lot of people that have like

tapped into people's phones this shit's's crazy. Tapped into their emails. Are you worried about that? No. Not really. I assume everyone is listening to every phone call I make. Do you think of that when you text? 100%. I think of that. Yeah, and I still send memes.

Shut the fuck up. I'll defend these in court, bitch. These are funny. What's his name? Pete Lee? Yeah. Pete Lee. You know the story maybe better than I do no Pete Lee the comic

he had a stalker who was trying to kill him oh boy and it was really bad it had to go to court and he had talked apparently about a stalker on Legion of Skanks and they read the transcripts of Legion of Skanks in court no and it murdered

oh my god everyone was laughing hysterically skanks in court. No. And it murdered. Oh my god. In court they were laughing? Everyone's laughing hysterically and they're like, fuck, this guy's guilty. Yo, did you hear the story Norton told on the podcast? Who? Norton had a legal issue with this guy that he criticized on the podcast. Oh! And he read this...

Go into detail. Go into detail. I'm doing that. They read the transcript during the podcast and people were laughing and the guy got humiliated. So he decided to settle the case. That guy went on to shoot a judge's son. He went to the house, pretended he was like a delivery guy and shot the son of this judge. And he was trying to kill the judge and then she got away or she wasn't there I don't remember what happened but this is the same guy that Norton was

involved in a lawsuit with for making fun of he was he was a woman's advocate or a man's advocate man's right advocate so he I think he's the same person that protested Eliza if I'm not mistaken. For what?

For having an all-female show for Wonder Woman. Suspect in fatal shooting at home of Judge Esther Salas described himself as an anti-feminist lawyer, once argued a case before the judge. Oh, Jesus. Esther's a female name. Yeah, well, she was a female judge. He showed up at her house and fucking killed her son

It's so crazy man. That's really scary. Yeah, that's terrible. I love that Norman or that uh Jim Norton is on it I'm glad you love that. He's happy. I love it. I love it. I love seeing him happy man. It makes me so happy Another glass of water for you. I just worried you were going to go piss in that. Yeah, Jesus Christ. Guys, grow the fuck up. Whoa, grow the fuck up. How weird. You look kind of like Bobby. What a weird thing to say.

Everybody pees. With a solid glass of piss right next to your right arm. Yeah. The thing he's doing with his wife on YouTube. Yeah. I love it. I'm glad you love it. I love it, man.

I love, I love, I'll say this out loud. I love seeing people succeed. I love seeing people win. I love flowers. Jim's underrated. Hardcore. He's underrated. He's one of the best comics of our generation.

His heyday on Opie and Anthony. He made Opie and Anthony. He made Opie and Anthony. He made. That's an understatement right there. He made it. It was weird to me that it was Opie and Anthony and Jim was on it. I was like, it seems kind of weird. I think they had their show for years before.

I know. It wasn't what it was until Jim showed up. Yeah. They were in Boston. They would never have had the comedians they had. I mean, respectfully, I love Opie and Anthony. I love those guys. I was a fan of the show.

But that group of comics that was on it, the reason this podcast is what it is today, in all fairness, is because of that fucking show, but it's also because of Jim. Yeah, it's because that show gave people the opportunity to just hang out. And I remember when Ari and I used to do it in the early days, it was just like, this is a place where you could just hang out with comics. There was no script. There was no script. They just allowed us to fuck around.

And also they were cool about like, you were a headliner and a name, and they were like, who's this? Like, is it my opener? Is it comics? Give him a mic. Yeah, I would tell them, I got a funny guy who's coming with me.

I'm going to bring him in. They'd be like, cool. Tommy. Tommy's one of those guys. I bombed so hard on that show. Really? How'd you bomb? I was totally not ready for it.

I was not a fan of the show. Oh, you didn't know? I knew about the show, but I didn't listen to it. I didn't know about it. Oh, no. And I went in there, and I was just, I said a couple words, and I just kind of sat in the pocket. And then Ricky Gervais came in.

Oh, wow. And then I started talking to ricky as the show was going on just like hey what's going on with that episode oh no while the show was happening yeah yeah yeah and you didn't realize your mic was on kind of and then uh and ricky and i just kept talking and then i'd look over and I'd see the guys like, what are you fucking doing? You might be the most epically, in retrospect, horrific comic to ever do radio.

What? Without a doubt. Because Tom has never given a fuck about anything ever in his life. Ever. So when you did Bob and Tom, they'd like write out your things you want to say and Tom was like,

I'll just figure it out. Yeah, they asked me to do that too. You never gave a fuck. They asked me to do that. And Tom was like, I'll just figure it out. Yeah. You never gave a fuck. They asked me to do that too. I'm like, I'm not doing that. I definitely did. I got really upset. I got upset.

They upset. Like, and I go, we're going to figure it out. I'm not that kind of comic. I didn't like it. This is nonsense. You're doing some 1985 nonsense. I didn't like that at all. And this is not 1985.

Get out of here. They were nice, but they're Tom was doing that before anyone else like With absolute love when you see all the comics coming on and fucking up radio and TV that they're doing now It's a little bit based on the fact that you really did not give a fuck hang on a lot of guys didn't including Tracy Morgan. Oh, Tracy Morgan. Hold on. Tracy Morgan's better than anyone.

He was slapping money out of his belly. He was like, someone's getting pregnant. Someone's getting pregnant. He would be slapping his belly. That's my main call. My philosophy on it was basically, I think podcasts, radio, television, all can go really well based on the host's interest. And so what I had was, I had a real personal fuck you

to a host that was like, I don't really care who you are or what you're doing here, this is what we do. And so if they were like, you're at the club this week? I would go, yeah. And then they were like, be funny. I'd be like, why don't you go suck your fucking mom's dick? And then they would go like, what's happening? That's a business partner right there.

So that's why you came out with DJ Dad Mouth. That was why DJ Dad Mouth came out. So it came out to this specific person? That came out just because I was like, I don't want to do this. Morning TV never did anything. I don't want to do this Morning TV never did it. I don't want to do it Actually obligated they just know what they would end up doing is the funny bones would go Hey, if you would if you would do this, you know, we we bring people every week no matter whether they're Big or small selling tickets or not. So like when I started to sell tickets, they'd be like, oh, your shows are sold out this week.

I'd be like, cool. And you're doing Good Morning Hartford tomorrow. And I'd be like, why? And they're like, because we do it every week. And I'd go, but it's not to sell tickets, right? Because the tickets are sold? It's just to promote the club. Yeah, so they're like, no, but get up at five and go do it.

And I'm like, all right. So that kind of came from that. But before that, I'm saying like, like even like I did Kimmel last night, when you go there, you're like, all right, I'm going to like, you know, you do a pre-interview with a producer. It still rides on the fact that he's engaged

and wants it to go well. Yeah. Right. And so, and he totally was, and it was really fun and it went well. But in the radio days, a lot of times those radio hosts, sometimes there's like the Philly guys, Preston and Steve.

Preston and Steve. So they come in, like you come in, and they're like, they know questions, they know what you've been doing. So that makes the experience fun. They're fun. They're happy to see you. They're great. But you go into places where they're just like,

they're literally like, you're born in Cincinnati? And you go, yeah. And they'll go. Trying to see you. They're great. But you go into places where they're just like, they're literally like, you're born in Cincinnati? And you go, yeah. And they'll go. I'm trying to lead you. Yeah, so tell us something about that. And you're like, what? It's a place. I didn't go.

It's in Ohio. If I left that place and you, the host, were like, I didn't really like you, I'd be like, I don't give a shit that you don't like me. I'm not here to fucking dance with you, man. You have ridden that horse into the grave. I love really like you. I'd be like, I don't give a shit that you don't like me. I'm not here to fucking dance with you, man. You have ridden that horse into the grave. I love that about you is that you got to remember, this was before, when you were doing that, the only white, no one white person was doing that.

Tracy Morgan, as a famous person, would go in and be wild on thing, and everyone would fucking love it. We'd share with each other. Yeah, Tracy was the best. Tom was doing it in earnest. Like, fuck off. Like, everyone can find you.

At the same time, I was going to the same places and being like, oh, God, please play a Tracy Morgan one. Look at me on that. Look at that. I'm handsome. Now I can see why I got so many kids. Texas El Paso, I'm telling you, man, I went to Jaguars last night. I love my ladies here.

Wow. Oh, my God. Yeah, so again, not family entertainment necessarily. Somebody's going to get pregnant. Somebody's going to get pregnant while I'm in town. Two days, watch. Two days, somebody's going to get pregnant. So, yeah, Trace.

It's always these guys. It's the same guy in every market. Oh, boy. But they're loving it. They're loving it. And Tom would go in and do that. But he would do it his own way, you know it's the same guy in every boy yeah they're loving it they're loving it and tom would go in and do that but he would do it his own way you know and it was so awesome man because so many of us myself included would just suck a dick and be like no i i don't i disagree what you would do is you would go in you go with fun energy you go and you go I'm gonna make this fun

I would drink on those you go. Yeah You go right to it all right do it all right do it all right do it get out Ari got a hard month coming What's your hard month? I'm going we're celebrating Tommy what in February? Yeah Fuck don't bring it to me. We're trying to do it in February. I'm doing stuff. We're trying to move to London to let those bitches know. Hey, are you guys going to run our 5K? Is it a specific place or just wherever you are? I want to bike it.

5K by May. Where is it? Jelly Roll's doing it. Cam Haines is doing it. Is it a specific place or just anywhere? We're going to do a 5K. Where? We're picking a spot.

We haven't announced it yet. What's doing Australia? Louie's doing it. Great call already. Stavi's doing it. They're all going to run. Tim Dillon's doing it. No, Tim Dillon's not doing it.

Tim Dillon's not going to do it. You're trying to kill him. FaceTime him right now. Tim Dillon's going to have a headache. Tim Dillon's not doing it. Tim Dillon's doing it. Tim Dillon's planning on doing it. Tim Dillon's doing it.

Tim Dillon's not doing it. Shane Gillis is doing it. Jamie? Louie CK is doing it. That's three and a half miles. They're's doing it. Tim Dillon's not doing it. Shane Gillis is doing it. Jamie? Louis C.K. is doing it. That's three and a half miles. They're not doing it. It says 3.1, buddy. Tim Dillon's not doing it.

He said he would. It's great. Is there a first place prize? No, it's just completed, I think, is the guarantee. I just remember the best radio one was when I went in. Did you ever have somebody and they go, sit here and they're doing a thing. They're just waiting? Yeah, just waiting. And they're like, oh, we're coming back from break.

Alright. So then they walk you in the room and they sit you here. Then the guy could not be less interested. He's like reading the paper. What radio station? Tell it. It's in the northeast. But he goes, alright,

we'll be back from the break in 30 seconds. And I go, okay. He goes, then just take over. And I go, what? He goes, just take over. And I go, what are you talking about? He goes, it's just your show. You have shows this weekend.

Just do whatever you want to do. And I go, I'm not going to do anything. And then it's like 10 seconds. He's like, what do you mean you're not going to do anything? I go, I'm not going to do anything. I go, if you don't ask me something, I not gonna say a single fucking word and he goes uh he goes uh all respect he goes Bobby Lee was here last week he took all his clothes off I go how'd that play on radio and then it was like you're on and this guy was fucking scrambling like wow he read my fake bio

So I had a fake bio. Yeah, that's his internet So it was all like made up and it was like you played for the Bengals So he's asking me all the fake questions and Start sweating he starts sweating and he has his co-host who doesn't know how to also navigate but they were just, to me, they embodied like lazy,

disinterested and, you know, they were like unhappy in this market doing what they do and they were just like, take over.

And I was like, fuck you. That's great to do that though. It's the best thing about him. I would have scrambled. He really doesn't give a fuck. You just go, no,

that's not cool. You realize how many times me and you, maybe I'm saying maybe not me and you, but just went in and did the dance. Yeah. And that's why I look up to you because it's the coolest thing about you is that you really don't give a fuck. That is nice. It's so cool to not give a fuck.

It's so sexy. Like it's not, to not give a fuck. It's so sexy. Like, it's not, when you give a fuck, it's a little sad sometimes. You know? I think I give a fuck about certain things. You don't give a fuck. Yeah, yeah, right. But what you don't give a fuck about. Tom, I really don't give a fuck about.

I don't know if you've read your comments. You do not give a fuck. You do not give a fuck. You give the perfect amount of fucks. Yeah. I think it's like a balance. No. It's the right balance.

No, it's detrimental. To what? To him. How so? Why? If I read his comments, I. I think it's like a balance. It's the right balance. No, it's detrimental. To what? To him. How so? If I read his comments, I'd be like, start giving a fuck. Yeah, but who's writing those comments? You can't read comments. I do.

The people that are writing them, you're getting a disproportionate amount of failures. You're getting a disproportionate amount of people that are just, yeah, for sure. But it's not, if you're trying to get like a control study of the population, general population, if you're doing a pharmaceutical study, you have a bunch of old people, a bunch of young people, different walks of life. You're going to do it right.

You do it with a bunch of biological variability. The variability of people that are wanting to comment negatively online is like you can find those people. They don't have their shit together. That's the people with dizziness. Some of them are kids. Just ignore them. A lot of them are kids. They're real young. Some of them, they think it's fun.

They're trying to get a reaction. They don't know what to do. They just try to shit on you and see if you respond. It's a nonsense way to communicate. You don't know who they are. You don't know what their background is. You don't know whether their opinion is valid. You're accepting negativity, and human beings have a natural propensity to look towards negative things

because your brain is programmed to look for intruders and dangerous things. So you could look at 100 people in your village that you love, but you see one person that doesn't love you that's standing on a hillside 50 yards away, and you get scared. Sure. Like, oh, shit. What's that? And that's what that is. That's what comments are. You're hijacking your natural system. That's why I love them. I think even the positive ones are better.

That's why I love them, he says. No, no, no, because I remember there was a time I was getting negative. When the movie came out, I was getting a lot of negative shit, and I texted Tommy. I was like, can you just take a out, I was getting a lot of negative shit. And I texted Tommy. I was like, can you just take a look at it and see if it's real?

You know, because I can't look at it. It fucks me up. So I just stopped looking at it. I hired someone to do it for me. But I don't trust them. Someone just reads them to you? No, no, no, no, no.

Just to like monitor them. And then Tommy read them and he was like, that's actually kind of sweet. You're like, it's not that bad. And I was like, oh, for real? And he's like that's actually kind of sweet You're like it's not that bad. I was like oh for real. He's like yeah, I love that You gotta find a you gotta you're gonna have a certain amount of people They fucking hate everything cuz you're big hey, we were talking in the green room the other night I was talking about this person wrote this

They were talking about all-time great guitarist and they said Hendrix was mostly noise. That is the craziest fucking thing I've ever heard anybody say. That's trying to be abrasive. That's like, no, you like him, you just don't like him

as much as everyone else does. No, it's just, it's a contrarian perspective. A lot of people like to do that too. Yeah. Just shit on the thing that's the best.

They don't suck, you think they're a B plus. And it's also fun, don't you think it's fun sometimes just to provoke? Yeah, it is. Definitely you are. You're number one at that.

Just to provoke. Let me get a rise. Yeah, it's a fun way to initiate a conversation. Not me. I just cruise by. Try to keep my head down. Read those comments, huh? Yes, you do. You just said you do. No, my head down. Read those comments, huh? No.

Yes, you do. You just said you do. No, no, no, no. I read Tommy's comments. I read Tommy's comments. You don't read yours? No, I do not. Ever.

Not ever? Never. Every now and then. Never. Late at night, taking a shit, 3 in the morning. Never. Shut up. Never read yours?

I never. I hired Victoria. I'm pretty happy about this post. Let me see if it's positive. Let me see if people have a good thing to say. No. So wait, why would you believe I didn't? Because I'm different than you.

How so? Don't you think? Nope. You think we're the same? I think we're so similar. That's fascinating. Buddy, me and you, if we slept in bed together, we'd fight over the sheets. I don't think so.

I'm not a sheet fighter. Then I would be up against you. I would want you to have We'd fight over the sheets. I don't think so. I'm not a sheet fighter. Then I would be up against you. I would want you to have an equitable amount of the sheets. I would assume there's enough sheets for two people. What part of you- You're in a twin. What part of you, you have to identify with me a little bit. I know I drive you nuts.

That's interesting. I know I drive you nuts at times. How do you guys feel about what he's saying? About you guys being- That we're the same thing? I mean, no, I think there's similarities in everyone, but I think you're pretty different people. Like, as far removed as can stay in my friend group. Here's the- I told you what I think.

I told you what I think. Can I tell you how I feel about you? Can I tell you how I feel about think. Can I tell you how I feel about you? Can I tell you how I feel about you? Can I tell you how I feel about you? When Nate Diaz says, I didn't get bullied, I had a big brother. Right. I think you're my big brother. Aw, sweetie.

I do. I feel like I have a big brother. I've said that to you and I've said that to you. I think you guys approach things very differently. We do. And I think I drive you fucking nuts. No, you don't. I have to.

I know I drive you nuts. He drove me nuts during Sober October. You bring out his competitive spirit. There's a fucking monster in there. Let him out of the cage. But I love your monster. Yeah. The way a younger brother would like needling his big brother, I like your monster.

Here's the big, like one of the big things I think is super different is that he approaches things of like, all right, if I want to be proficient at this thing, I'm going to do it every day because that's how you get good, the consistency and the discipline. And you go, you know what? I think I can wing this shit and that's one of the big like philosophical differences of how you approach life yeah but i but i but i listen i listen to your podcast all the time and i love i love the way your brain thinks i would never listen to my podcast but like i like the way your brain thinks

i'm just curious that's the way my brain thinks i I'm just curious. That's the way my brain thinks. I'm always just trying to figure out why I think what I think and why this other person thinks what they think. But I do that. That's what I'm doing. I do the same in a flip-flop. Like I like the way your brain thinks, but it's not the way my brain thinks. I have no discipline. I don't like discipline. One of the cool things about hanging out with different walks of life, you obviously become very successful claiming you have no discipline you cut you do have discipline you don't yeah you work out all the

time you know it's secret time that i go to you i lean on you for like in times of real need like when i was with my cardiologist and i was like hey man i'm lost i don't know what to do and you were like cardi uh carnivore and and so i i do that i do that but the problem is and I would say this honest honestly just to re with privately but like We knew you before you were you Like we knew you before this thing so like I know I know I know you and I know who you become and And I obviously respect that. I really do. But my Joe guy I knew is you, is you.

Right, but I don't think I've changed that much. No, it's a perception of you that's changed. Yeah. And so everyone else falls into that with a lot of famous people. They fall into what they think of someone, and so they don't get treated as who they really are. I think I've improved my perspective on things and the way I treat people. But you've grown, and you're a better person.

I mean, honestly, you're an amazing person. But I will always know you as the dude that walked me into his house. I will never know you as this thing. Like, this thing is pretty fucking insane. It's just, like, cool cool for you but that's not but my version of it is fairly small you've been pretty good at keeping because i i hang around the same people i go to the club i go to home i work out i do all the things i have to do it's

not just that i have new friends it's just like i i fucking torture myself so like my perspective is balanced yeah like the worst thing that happens So my perspective is balanced. The worst thing that happens during my day is probably not as bad as what I've done to myself. So I go into every day with a baseline. I can handle shit. That hasn't changed in you at all. No, it's the best way to regulate things. Like what Henry Rollins was saying in that essay, it's the best way to regulate things. It's the best way to keep a perspective on things.

You don't want to become a tyrant. You don't want to become enamored with power and enamored with influence. I'm not interested in that. You're not a guy who says, do you know who I am? I'm not interested in that at all. If you don't know who I am, if you don't know who I am, I'm happy.

I'd love to talk to a dude who doesn't know me. It's going to be shocking. It's going to be fun. It's going to be shocking. It's going to be fun. Talk to someone else. When was the last time you had that? Or someone was like, what do you do for a living? I don't know.

Sometimes people bullshit you. It's great. It's great. Sometimes people pretend they don't know who you are. Tommy's got friends that I've met that I go, what do you do for a living? And I get fucking angry. And I go, how do you not know who I am? The dentist or whatever the guy lives next door to you?

Yeah. So what do you do for a living? Fucking shut down. I had this fancy lunch once with Eric Von Daniken. I love it. Eric Weinstein invited me to this lunch with Eric Von Daniken. Eric Von Daniken is the one who wrote

The Chariots of the Gods. He wrote that book about ancient aliens coming down here and building the pyramids and all this wild shit. He knew that I was going to... He knew I knew everything about this guy. I knew everything about his book. I watched his documentary

multiple times. I've seen all the criticisms about it. I want to have this conversation with him and find out why he thinks the way he thinks. But when he said, what do you do for a living? Because he didn't know who I was. I was criticisms about I want to have this conversation with them find out why he thinks the way he thinks but when he said what do you do for a living because he didn't know I was I was like I'm a comedian and Weinstein started laughing and he goes well he's you know I go I'm a comedian and he started explaining the podcast and all the different stuff but I was like just tell me what you think yeah tell me what you think of why you think sure if you ask me what I do.

It's going to change the answer. Yeah. It's also, it's like, I like that he didn't know I was. Like, this is wonderful. This is wonderful. This is a nice conversation. Totally. And respectfully, why do you believe this?

And why do you ignore all the evidence that seems to lean to an advanced civilization that built this? And that we have a rebuilding of advanced civilizations today. That's much more plausible. But his whole business is sort of... Once you have an initial assertion, you write a book about it, you make a documentary about it, everybody's going to say you can't change your opinion

because that book's still on the shelf. I bought your fucking book! Your book's bullshit! The book's what I thought back then. I didn't know any better. But that was a good one. It's fun meeting somebody that you don't know who they are. I knew everything about him.

I had studied him for so long. I had studied his film. I watched his film multiple times. Because his film asks real questions. Like, how the fuck did they do this there's some some stones in lebanon and some fucking crazy quarried stones like how the fuck were they planning on moving this well they had abandoned the stone because there was a crack in it and so they moved on so they have the evidence of how they actually quarry these

things i don't understand those all those ancient structures. When you think about what it takes, how we build things today, and you see these things built, and it's like a 100,000-pound stone. It's the best evidence that people were more advanced back then. Exactly. And then you go, and not only is it together, whereas it's seamless between two. You can't put a piece of paper between them. It's all aqueducts.

Between two? You can't put a piece of paper between them? It's all aqueducts. What they did was probably follow a line of innovation that's different from the line we followed. One that we can't really relate to. Data VHS. We followed combustion engines, industrial evolution, manufacturing at a large scale. That's what we followed. What they followed was probably something very different.

Yeah. It probably had to do with frequencies and sound and how you could bore through stone. They had diamond drills. Do you think if they saw our stuff, they'd be like, what the fuck? Yeah, they'd probably be like weirded out by the internet. Oh, yeah. If they didn't have it.

But the thing is, if you have electronics and you leave them on the ground, they don't exist in 100 years. They will get absorbed by the earth. Within 1,000 years, there's no trace. You'll find the minerals that are in the batteries and all that stuff, that all break down. There'll be nothing left. Wow. There's nothing. If you watched buildings that were in Detroit that people abandoned, and you see trees growing through those buildings.

Quickly, man. Houses, cars. You see a car that gets left in the woods. It just gets broken down to rust, and within 1,000 years, there will be nothing. So if there was some shit that existed, like the conventional dating of the Great Py is 2500 bc that's under heavy speculation the real belief is it's probably the guys from john anthony west and graham hancock and randall carlson they point towards a possibility of a super sophisticated civilization

more than 11 000 bc see i think that's the thing that i've never really considered no really considered is that you always go oh they had like an archaic system that just worked right like levies and pull and no you know i mean like they had like full electronics and like i never never considered that you think we're we have to be at the. We have to be. Instead of this, start over, this, start over, that, start over. They moved things that were thousands of pounds. It's crazy. Through the mountains. If another 500 years pass from here, how much technology will advance?

If that all gets wiped out, it'll get started over and we'll be at our level. And they'll be like, well, they were less advanced. I'm the same way as you. It doesn't make sense. Exactly. So you have- Because you think of like a hundred bodies carrying a rock. Right.

Yeah. If we just had to live from now on, the human race evolves from the genes of the preppers. The what? If that's it. Preppers. People that have fucking bunkers in their fucking backyards and canned peaches and that fucking, you know, that, who's that religious guy that sells survival food on TV? You know, Jim Baker.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Remember? Buckets. Buckets of survival food. Buckets of food. You could use this as a stand for your table. They're eating at the dinner table with, like, buckets of survival food under it. And the time bucket prep.

Yeah. Yeah. If, you know, if you're one of those dudes, man, and that's all that lives, yeah, these survival prep, I mean, how long would it take

for one of these dullards in the crowd, look at these dull-minded gray-brained people, look at the, what are the, what are the chances that those people

are going to invent the fucking, That's a joke. If I dropped you off in the middle of the woods with a hatchet, how long until you could send me an email? Yeah.

Is that close? It would be millions of years. If you had access to all the tools that people have ever created. Yeah. Look at that stone. What the fuck is that? Where is that? What the fuck?

Egypt, the unfinished obelisk. So, like, in theory, they would have... Raised it up? Taken it out of there somehow. So, there was an obelisk they cut into the stone, and they had the technology to not only cut that, but unfortunately some of that stone would crack and they would have to abandon it. But they had to pick it up and move it hundreds of miles. Wow.

And they did it routinely. There's no way to grasp that unless you think the technology was other level. Not only that, dude, there's a lot of evidence that even the Great Pyramid is a more recent creation to some of the older kingdom work. The deeper they go into the sand, on some of the structures, they'll find as they start excavating

that there's another structure underneath it. And then they uncover that. And the older they uncover them, it seems like the larger the stones were the more complex the systems were it's why you old shit man these people were doing something a long fucking time ago and if you listen to guys like robert shock who's a geologist from boston university he studied the erosion marks on the outside of the temple of the sphinx he said this is indicative of thousands of years of rainfall that created this.

This is where you get these kind of fissures in the stones. The only time there was rainfall in the Nile Valley was like 9,000 BC. So you got to go back thousands of years that predate that because you got thousands of years of rainfall. Wind is a rainforest. All that area, like the Sahara Desert of rainfall. Wind is a rainforest. All that area. Like the Sahara Desert used to be a fucking tropical rainforest. Wow.

Like all this shit happened before we were fucking driving diesel trucks and coal plants. The world has been in a constant state of flux forever. The world has been in a constant state of flux forever. And that area where they initially established the kingdom of where Giza was and Cairo is and all those areas, that area was lush with resources. That's probably why they advanced there for so long. They did some wild shit in this one area that there's wild structures all over the earth that they found. Nothing compares to what they did in Africa. Nothing.

Not a one thing is anything like the Great Pyramid of 2,300,000 stones. Moved from quarries hundreds of miles away. Cut in a perfect position. True north, south, east, and west. It's fucking wild what they did. And I think they were probably more advanced than we are. That's what I think. And when you see it firsthand, like going to Machu Picchu, you know, up in the Andes,

you're like, what? How did they build this up in the mountains? Just imagine if everything collapsed right now, what people would be like 200 years from now? They would be fucking barbarians. They would be walking dead years from now there would be fucking barbarians totally there'd be walking dead walking dead people like living in little groups and tribes trying to stay alive and eventually they would rebuild but i think it would take forever and i think that's what happened do you ever think about that like tech like you go technology exists with the same things that were available like hundreds of years before. Thousands of years.

Hundreds of thousands of years before. Same like elements. There is nothing new put here. We just were able to develop a phone. And every technology builds on the previous technologies. Someone's invented this, then we go radio waves. If they didn't tap into that,

then that civilization never had radio. So if someone invents something quicker, that's different. Like if someone invents nuclear fission, like way early, and everybody's like, whoa. Or someone invents cold fusion way early, you're like, okay, well, now we've solved this energy problem. Now we can move in a different direction. Or stops plague early. Yeah, early. That allows you to like burn. Do you think all the technological stuff that has evolved is with the theory that we are borrowing from,

we've taken from basically alien life, leaving technology here or giving us hints? Oh, Jesus. No. I think the alien technology thing is fascinating, but it might also be bullshit. You always have to look at all these things that are public and that are talked about and the Pentagon releases things about. Might be bullshit. You always have to look at all these things that are public and that are talked about and the Pentagon releases things about might be bullshit. You always have to think it might be bullshit. Every time I look at any phenomenon, whether it's UFOs, UAPs, whatever the fuck you want to call them, I always say to myself, if I was the military and I had some top secret drone program that moved through a totally unique and novel

propulsion system that operated on gravity, and that we figured out how to do this, we can move it around, and I would be testing in exactly the same places these people were testing. They were testing in all this restricted airspace, where they would run these military drills. They did it off the East Coast, and they did it off the West Coast. So where they're seeing these things is exactly where the military runs their tests. I would assume that if I was the military, that's how I would think. I would hide things. I would hide things by saying they're UFOs and saying we have no idea what this is. And if you have top secret programs, which we 100% know they do, and if you have a theory of propulsion that's based on gravity and not on igniting combustible fluids like rocket fuel, which we definitely have.

And they have had since I believe the 1950s. They first started theorizing about magnetic propulsion systems. They probably have been developing this forever. They've probably been doing it in secrecy, and probably China's doing it as well. And the best way to hide it, I would imagine, would be to say that this is something from another world. Also, we might be visited by other worlds. Also, we might be visited by things from other dimensions. I think it might be all the above.

And I don't think you can count out any of it. Just because the fact that we know there's planets. If we know there's planets, they're far enough away from the sun that the water doesn't boil and nothing freezes. If they're in that Goldilocks zone, maybe life can develop. And we know that there's a shitload of those out there. We've found a bunch of them already. So if they're out there, we would assume that something would be like us plus 100 years,

plus 500 years. And they would want to go to these other planets and say, look at these crazy fucks with flint tools trying to start fires by knocking sticks together. And we would say, let's leave them on a radio. And I think that's what they do. And that's what this Diana Pasolka was saying about researchers were describing these crashed UFOs as donations. So if I was from somewhere else, whether it was another dimension or another planet, and I wanted to accelerate the technological innovation by these beings, I would give them fiber optics. I'd go figure that out.

Crash this thing, back engineer it, figure it out, get your brightest minds, lock everybody down, shoot everybody with a big mouth, and figure out how the fuck to make this. How to do this. And I think that's what the Bob Lazar story's all about. Bert? I was not listening. I got lost. I got lost.

Yeah. It sounds cool where'd you get lost in? buddy when you started with propulsion I was like it's funny

I felt like I was listening to your podcast I didn't know the shit I should learn you are while it's happening I I I love you

I love your brain I just got tired you want to take a nap? I'll take naps so now I got to go see Winston Churchill was all about naps. Is everybody coming to the show tonight?

Yeah. What time are you showing? 7 o'clock. I just got to walk the dog? Yeah. What time is it now? 5.43. Oh, 5.43.

6, basically. Let's fucking go. Let's go. Let's fucking go. Let's have some fun. All right. Denver, I'm coming. First week of March. of march seventh show at it bray you look depressed no not no not at all are we gonna wear this to the shows yeah let's go right to the show we're doing a show tonight for real yeah seven o'clock

you don't want to do a show what are you talking about oh yeah you've never done comedy drunk i've never done comedy drunk i have done comedy drunk you definitely never done comedy drunk. I've never done comedy drunk. I have done comedy drunk. You definitely have done comedy drunk. Come a long way to admit that, best. What is this? What is that? That is a mammoth ivory handle for a 1911, which is the type of pistol. Oh, it goes in like that.

Yeah, you have to get it fit for a 1911. Are we really doing a spot tonight? What is this really? Aren't you a professional? It's not a big deal. I am. Yeah, I am. You can come and just watch us kill.

Yeah, you can just watch and not do it. That'll be fun for you. Or have a good fucking time. No, I can't knock it on stage. How are you going to take all that shit off in the time that it takes? It takes a second. It takes a second. No, keep it on.

Have you timed it? I started off like John Mulaney, like very tactile. Wait, you're going to keep it on, right? No. No? No, I realized in taking it off, I'm a different person with my shirt off. Keep it on. Keep it on.

Keep it on. Keep it on. Keep it on for the show tonight. Keep it on your shirt. Listen, Clark Kent. We're all going to wear it. Clark Kent with your stupid glasses. I know who you are, bitch.

Clark Kent was the alter ego. Clark Kent with your stupid glasses. I know you are bitch Clark Kent was the alter ego Clark Kent with your stupid glasses I know it's Superman Superman's this real person yeah yeah duh what the fuck is this guy doing come on don't you think I've watched the tv show don't you think I've read the comic book same thing with Hulk come on dude yeah what are you saying don't change I had a really good set with a suit on you already have shoulders bro you're jacked you don't even have to take your shirt off you can still kill you can set with a suit on. You already have shoulders, bro. You're jacked. You don't even have to take your shirt off. You can still kill. You can kill with a suit and a tie on. Yeah, stuff your shoulders.

I know you love that pop when you take your shirt off, and it is a wild pop. That's a wild pop, buddy. We were watching it last Tuesday night. It's a big pop. It's a big pop. I had the last recorded note for Crouch Your Shirt Off. They're like, is he going to take his shirt off? You can see they're saying, is he going to take his shirt off?

I remember when he wouldn't take his shirt off in the OR. I don't want to take my shirt off. It's a secret. Not in the OR. Not in the OR. I was young. Mitzi would not like it. Do you do it now?

She would not like it. Yeah. Let's get something to eat. I'm the only one there. Let's get something to eat. Oh, yeah. You're the only one there. Let's get something to eat and go.

Want to get something to eat? And go. Yeah. It's 545. Whatever you want. I'd love that. Let's go to Eddie B's. Have a little steak. I'd love to go to Eddie B's. Like gentlemen wearing suits. I'd love to go to Eddie B's. Let's go. Want to get something to eat? And go. Yeah. It's 545. Whatever you want. Let's go to Eddie V's. My gentlemen wearing suits.

I would love to go to Eddie V's. Let's go. Let's go right now. Let's go. Alright. This podcast is over. Love you guys. I love you too. Listen, this has been for all these years of us doing this, it's been a fucking, it's been fun. We've had a good time. It's been wild fun. New civilizations will never

have this. Yeah, I mean, they're gonna lock this down. You know, no network would ever allow it. No fucking producers would ever bank their mortgage on this being something. They would be like, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. Let's talk. Let's talk about what you said there. You guys admitted a lot of things.

Let's go eat some steak! I love you guys. Bye, everybody.