The Joe Rogan Experience - #210 - Joey Diaz

Episode Date: April 26, 2012

Joe sits down with Joey Diaz.

the Joe Rogan experience ladies and gentlemen the one and only the king of swing remember when uh Mitzi was calling you fat baby for a while a long time i loved it and i would walk past her and she'd blow my stomach up with her finger she'd make believe it was a needle do you remember that in her own word i would walk by and she'd stop me oh fat baby and she'd poke me like she had a needle in her hand and by herself she'd go like if the air was coming out of my stomach, in her own head. And she would giggle to herself.

I'm going to do that for the rest of my life. Fat baby. That sounds awesome. She had her 40th anniversary on Saturday. Yeah, I heard. The club, which part of me got sentimental. Yeah, me too. Part of me jerked off on my pillow.

You know what I'm saying? But the comedy store will always be a part of our lives. It's like Vietnam for some people. They went. They'll never go back. It's there. It's good. We'll just leave it there in our memory.

Yeah. Congratulations. It was a huge part of our lives. No doubt about that, man. That place was a real workshop. But you know what? I'm still recovering from Atlanta. I just got rested yesterday from Atlanta, bitches.

Especially Friday night. Thank you very much if you came out to the shows to support Joe Rogan and his taping. It was fucking brilliant. I mean, when me and Duncan stuck our head out, seriously, you know I don't do that shit. I didn't go on stage and try to be cute. I just stuck my head out to see what was out there. I had never been in this theater before. You know, before you bungee jump, you talk a lot of shit.

Before you do anything in life, you talk a lot of shit. then you're there, and you look in, that's what it felt like to me, guys, it was like going, yeah, I'll jump off that diving board, and you run up to the top, and when you get up there, you look over, and you're like, whew, that was a little bit more, when I looked into that tabernacle fucking theater, and it just wasn't one level, it was two levels, then that third fucking level, guys, and they started cheering, and you ran in with Jeff, and you're like, what happened? Did you go on stage? I didn't go on stage. Me and Duncan just popped our fucking heads out there.

At that point, I knew it was all fucking uphill because the energy was alive, bro. We didn't have to do nothing. We didn't say a word. No cock sucking, no being cute. We just went like that to look just to see if everybody was seated. So if you came out to the tabernacle you rocked my motherfucking world last week all right first show I was nervous as fuck and you know I love it man I love getting nervous still like

a little kid that's what it's all about so I had a great time in Atlanta downtown was great thank you very much for taking this Joe thanks for what a great fucking you know I've always been in the suburbs whenever we do the punch line or laughing whatever you always on in the suburbs. Whenever we do the punchline or laughing or whatever, you're always out in the fucking suburbs. That was the first time I was in the heart of Atlanta, Chocolate City. They had hot black chicks, hot white chicks.

I sat there one morning fucking making believe I was smoking fucking weed and I'm just watching these women walk by me. Oh, my God. They were hot in the mornings going to work and shit. It was fucking amazing, guys. It really was. How cool was the limo driver? You all right, though? Yeah. I'm fine. I's going to work and shit. It was fucking amazing, guys. It really was. How cool was the limo driver?

You all right, though? Yeah, I'm fine. I'm listening to you, man. I'm just listening to you. That was funny that you said concussions, because for somebody who's got a lot of concussions, you don't act like it, because I think the crazy has overcome the concussion. Who, for me?

No, for Romanowski. Some people, you see them after they got 20 concussions, and they're little fucking robots, but this guy. How many concussions do you think you've had? I heard stories that that motherfucker told. No, you. You. You've had. Me?

Yeah. I had two. Two. Two. Nothing from violence. Football and a motorcycle accident. Those are both pretty violent. No.

You know, you just tackle. Bro, sometimes you just tackle somebody. You think you're doing your job and all of a sudden you walk away and you're like, ooh. I know, but listen know, you just tackle. Bro, sometimes you just tackle somebody. You think you're doing your job, and all of a sudden you walk away, and you're like, ooh. I know, but listen to what you just said. Nothing from football or motorcycle racing, two super violent things. Oh, no, no, no. I didn't want people to think I got hit in the head with a brick or something.

Oh, by a person violence. Yeah, one time I was on XR 125, and I was racing by the swamps where they built the Meadowlands, and I turned my head, and there was a pipe sticking out, and I didn't even bleed swamps when they built the Meadowlands and I turned my head and there was a pipe sticking out and I didn't even bleed. I didn't even bleed. It just, when I hit the floor, so it wasn't as bad as,

listen, bro, those concussions, those... What are you showing me, buddy? The limo driver. Remember when the limo driver, when you were talking about weed or something like that and you were just like,

smell this nug. Remember he put that? Oh, that's right. Oh, that's right. You videoed that. Oh, we had such a good time with him when i was telling we can't put that out there because it won't get him in trouble right but the audio we can play right now if you're black you just stop going to africa remember we went off on that shit in the car just go to st louis yeah i mean that's the truth if you're black stop going to fucking africa you're just gonna get scared it gets too real go to St. Louis where they keep it moderate.

Those brothers will keep it moderate. Where's Richard Pryor from? Peoria. Peoria, Illinois. Those areas there, that's where Malcolm X and all those brothers are from. That's the heartbeat of Africa right there. Just keep it to that right there. I think Red Fox grew up with Malcolm X, one of those guys.

Really? It was either Red Fox or Richard. I think it was Red Fox. I'm sorry. Red Fox or Richard. I think it was Red Fox. I'm sorry. Red Fox and Malcolm X grew up together. What about the dude in New York that caused all the problems? He was somebody's tour manager or something. Wasn't he James Brown's tour manager? What's the black guy that always gets involved when somebody black gets in trouble?

He just lost a lot of weight. He's controversial. Al Sharpton? Al Sharpton. Yeah, yeah, yeah. James Brown's tour manager? Somebody, yeah. Look at his resume. Somewhere along the line, he was involved with some, that's how he got his claim to

fame at first. Somebody. Al Sharpton got his claim to fame with James Brown? Yeah, yeah. Look and see. I may be wrong. I could be wrong. But Al Sharpton did something with James Brown or somebody.

You need your own Google search engines. I know. I'm so sorry, guys. You can just type in something with Al Sharpton. I'm fucking sorry, guys. No, it's okay. I'm just gonna work james brown up here yeah no put an al sharpton so you see what it's yeah he became a tour manager for james brown in 1973 wow wow how fucking you never knew that i never knew that to get up hey he's hustling man he's out there hustling like a lot of people

shit on al sharpton as far as i can tell, Al Sharpton isn't hurting anybody. And guess what? Even though maybe sometimes he's imbalanced with his racialism, the way he goes after the racial angle in every sort of story, even though he's imbalanced, I think we probably need a little bit of imbalance to check some of the white people in America. That's a fact. I really think that knowing that a Jesse Jackson or an Al Sharpton

is out there, these bulldogs of anti-black racism, I mean, I think they're necessary. I don't think Jesse Jackson's a saint. I don't think Al Sharpton's a saint, but I think they play a necessary role. I know that sounds ridiculous, but how are they any more ridiculous than Newt Gingrich or this guy John Davis that was running for president? What's his name? Davis? I don't know. The white guy.

We talked about him yesterday. God damn it. What the fuck is his name? Is that his name? Just go to CNN. No. You know what the problem is? Seriously?

There's only so much room On the goddamn hard drive Yeah And there's more information Coming in every day What the fuck is the dude's name? He's in the news right now We need to upgrade our brains We need to be able to do that

They need to figure that out Where we can start Putting more dead people's brains In our bodies or something Dead people's brains Yeah Swapping out Or just adding to it

You know It's really hard to get your body To absorb other people's people like swapping out or just adding to it you know it's really hard to get your body to uh absorb other people's stuff like your organs and like they've had hand transplants and most of them fail but your body rejects them isn't your brain really just electricity isn't there a way we can maybe like put it on a battery of some kind and then just you know put it in the back of your head this might be the dumbest science conversation of all time if a scientist is listening to this right now, like I know Dr. Steve listens to the podcast sometimes. If he's listening to us right now, he'd be like, you fucking idiots.

Or he's just like, holy shit, he figured it out. Battery, brain batteries. I don't hate anybody out there who's successful. John Edwards. John Edwards, thank you, sir. Thank you, John Heffron. Thank you. Did Heffron get you? Nice, beautiful. Yeah, that successful. John Edwards. John Edwards. Thank you, sir. Thank you, John Heffron. Thank you. Did Heffron get you?

Nice. Beautiful. Yeah, that guy, John Edwards. I mean, he's goddamn ridiculous, too. Everyone's ridiculous. They're no more ridiculous than Al Sharpton. He's just like them. They're all the same.

It's no big deal. It's not bad. It's just it is what it is. It's anybody that puts themselves into that sort of position. You know how you get rid of Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson? With an envelope. That's what I love about it. They come up, black this, motherfucker. You know, they just start preaching. That's his anti...

Well, thank you. What do I need to do? Just go away. And they just fucking appear. And I don't blame them. They just show up. I'll yell and scream until somebody fucking hears me. Yeah, they get contracts. I don't have any problem with it, man. It's extortion. It's a part of the game.

That's what it is. It's a part of the game. You know, if you want his endorsement, that's what he's, it's a business, okay? Nobody writes for free. He likes shrimp cocktail. He likes flying first class. You know what I'm saying? And why shouldn't he?

Suck it. He's a man of culture. And he's so famous that he's sort of given up on completely saying all his words. He's given up on pronouncing them everybody else's way. They used to play that on, was it Conway and Steckler, I think? Yeah, Conway and Steckler in L.A. used to have this thing called, it would be a game called What Would Jesse Jackson Say? I apologize if it wasn't them, if it was someone else, and I'm crediting to them because of my

shit memory, but I believe it was Conway and Steckler, who are really great guys who had a radio show in LA, and I think they might still do on AM, but they would play a Jesse Jackson clip, and then he would try to figure out what the fuck he said. You know, and people would call up, and they would give up their guess, and everybody was wrong, and then he would say what the actual words were. It was hilarious.

It was like people really couldn't understand him. That's how badass Jesse Jackson is. He says his own words his own way. You know? Like Mike Tyson. Everybody does. Fuck him. No. he says his own words his own way you know like mike tyson they don't everybody does fuck him no i really want to talk about this what is it jay morf going off on me is he still on his twitter is he still going off yeah all right go check out jay morse and he's saying all these things right now about me like one he said i offered you a. You lied and said I asked you to buy me shit. This is a weird obsession that Jay Moore has with you.

Jay Moore just attacked you out of nowhere on Twitter. I wasn't for hire. Maybe he's not talking about me. Comics leave you because of you. You're not respected by your peers. Change your label name to Exodus. Why even respond to that? What?

Why even respond to that? Because it's weird. Yeah, it's certainly weird. It's unhealthy. It's the weirdest thing ever. You grow up watching Jay Moore in movies. You've never met the guy once, and now there's a guy who's obsessed about you. Well, I don't know why he is.

I don't think Jay's a bad guy. What do you think it is? I don't know. I know people have had issues with Jay, and I know you've had issues with Jay. And I know I have never had an issue with Jay. So as far as I'm concerned, you know, me and Jay Moore are cool. I don't like that he does this. I don't like.

But people are crazy. People that are comedians are crazy. There's a percentage of whatever the fuck is going on in your head that's just not right. It causes you to say shit you shouldn't say. It causes you to react in ways you don't. are crazy. There's a percentage of whatever the fuck is going on in your head that's just not right. It causes you to say shit you shouldn't say. It causes you to react in ways you don't. You become, you're an impulsive person.

I mean, there's things that comedians do that are totally misguided. I'm sitting right here. I'm sitting right here, cocksuckers. You know, it's the beauty of them. It's the beauty of the animals and it's imperfect.

Wasn't, wasn't he on? He's, and it's imperfect. Wasn't he on... He's not a bad guy, though. Wasn't he on a radio station? No, I don't know if you wanted to talk about this. I don't know. I don't know if it's true. Yeah. So I can't say.

What else? But here's my point. If he's spending his time and effort lashing out at you like that, that's not healthy. Yeah, but if that other thing's true, then he's doing it to you also i don't know if it's true florida i don't even care if it's why are you protecting him the guy's going crazy on me i haven't said one thing i'm not protecting him i'm just letting him be himself i'm letting everybody be themselves man it's no judgment sort of That's such a weak thing to say.

No judgment. You better judge things, stupid. There's a lot of things that you need to judge. You can't just walk around saying, hey, man, no judgment. You're being a butterfly right now, you little cutie. I try to be a butterfly as much as I can, but it's not in my nature.

Well, Jay Moore, if you are listening to this right now, I don't know why you're freaking out on me. Jay Moore, we'd love to give you a big hug. I think you're a very talented actor and a very fine stand-up comedian. There's no need for all this nonsense. What did he just post? Oh, who cares?

Tell him if he's listening right now, and he may be very well. We love you, Jay. Get it together. Hey, Jay, here's an interesting thing. The month before uh uh are you going into history no no the month before tom segura and christina left death squad uh i said hey we should get jay more on a podcast and tom was like really you do

that yeah ask him so ask tom about that i have no problems with you jay so i don't know why you're freaking out. Okay. So let's do a podcast with him. Maybe he wants to do a podcast. We can do like an East Coast, West Coast comic beef sit down. That would be cool. If Tate Fletcher comes with me, that would be awesome. I don't want no fucking Jay Moore karate.

That's hilarious. Because that still works, right? Jay Moore karate would still work. Oh, yeah. All that stuff works. I've been doing karate in malibu at this place yellow belt what is what's a yellow belt is that high it's for a little girl okay is it really little kids get yellow oh really it's not a real thing no it is it's the

it depends on every the belts different ranking systems but in jujitsu yellow and green are just for children well then that was an awesome joke, I tell you. It was the best silly belt you could come up with. But if, you know, in karate, there's different ones. Like some of them go like yellow. They go white always. White to yellow. The way Taekwondo would go is white to yellow to green to blue to red.

Red. Yes. To black. To brown. No, there was no brown. There was no brown. It was red to black in Taekwondo. That was dead.

Now they added the two extra belts to milk you to your fucking 90s. Now they got autumn and polenta. They got all different fucking magenta. What's that color? Magenta? Magenta. Yeah, I'm a magenta belt now in jujitsu. They add all these belts to get you for an extra yardstick,

those cocksuckers. Yeah, that's hilarious. It's hysterical when you join most, especially Taekwondo's. The Koreans figured out. They said, fuck this shit. There ain't no slipping here. Like, there's a gym on Wilshire by La Brea.

You have to pay them so you're a black belt up front. They don't take monthly payments. They have the three-year acceleration program where you pay them for three years. The suckers walk in there and give them $8,000, $9,000 with a check, and they join for three years up front not knowing the unknown, not knowing the Mayans are showing up in fucking six months or whoever the fuck. They pay for three years for an accelerated plan, and at the end of three years they get a fucking black belt wow they have that today that exists that's kind of crazy you know even greg jackson added the fucking color belt system to his

to his gunjutsu and shit like yeah well gai jitsu is it yeah everybody's adding a color belt you know fuck it it's an extra yardstick out of you well Well, I don't know. No, I'm only goofing on Greg Jackson. I love Greg Jackson. No, I'm just talking about. In Taekwondo, though, that was a big thing, man, was the charging for belts. Oh, yeah. They charge you for testing, belts. If you fail, the patch, you know, they work you.

Those Koreans ain't fucking around no more. They got federations. They put together federations and associations, and they bang you. You know, they're bringing. And you know what? You ever see, like, when they come come over and all these white kids get together and they're bowing at the grandmaster and the guy don't speak no japanese or no no english you know what i'm saying yeah he's got like a translator they're like you know welcome him to our school you know thank him for coming

and the fucking koreans like suck my dick where's my check you know i'm saying i didn't fly here to fucking give you a yell about you fucking suckers you ever see the look on their faces when they fly over there like, I can't believe I did this for the small fucking nickel. Come over here to see these little ugly white kids doing form number three. I need this shit. They would always bring masters. Yeah, they always bring masters. They don't speak no English. And we as a society, we bow.

There was a big deal at our Taekwondo school when a Korean master would come by. Oh, please. Those fucking people lose their minds. It's the master. And we work on our form and we polish the mirrors so they're all shiny and shit. That dude don't give a Frenchman's fuck. He smiles and he nods and he fucking does everything and on the way out you see him get a big old envelope. It's so interesting how when we were kids that um martial arts became directly connected

with like asian men like these asian men these asian men were like super respected as being like the greatest martial artists ever you know that's like that's an interesting thing to say about their culture that before anybody had ever figured out fighting everybody was terrified of like black belts everybody was terrified of karate black belt scared of bolo yeah yeah once you see bolo a muscular fucking chinaman coming at you with a black guy had traps i hear that motherfucker still walking around hollywood yoked really i've heard that a couple times that he still looks he hasn't aged he still does movies from time. They're still paying him to go to Bulgaria and shit. Wow.

He still gets a check. The other guy's around, too, I heard. The guy that had the cut on his face, the one that Bruce Lee kicks through the fucking top. Oh, really? Bob Wall. Yeah. He's around, too.

Oh, no, yeah. Bob Wall. What the fuck happened to Superfoot Wallace? Bob Wall is a real estate guy. Come on. He owns the building that my dentist has his practice in. And so I met him at a couple of different occasions. He looks good.

Yeah, he looks good. He's a very nice guy. Very nice, yeah. He'll tell you the old days about karate and about a spinning back kick and all the things guys are doing wrong in MMA. It's awesome to hear. You know, it's very, when I talk to you about it, you're receptive to it, when we talked about, you know,

LaRonjo and how I went to his father. Now, when I went to his father, this was on the success of the Green Hornet and me getting hit in the head in Central Park. Because when the Green Hornet came on, American kids were starting to lose their mind. People don't remember. I go deep with this shit.

I go deep. And all of a sudden, it wasn't Bruce Lee. It was a movie by the name of Five Fingers of Death that the guy's palm would get red at the end and he would hit you with the iron palm technique. That was the first one. And then, which whatever, we're going to start arguing, Fist of Fury, what the American name is, whatever the fuck. That first one came out where he's in the factory and it's in Thailand.

And that was it. Like, I remember, like, even then there was maybe a jiu-jitsu school in a tri-state area. But it was basically goju karate, gushen ru, wing chun kung fu, and it just blew up. Well, he made a bunch of people want to be like that solemn, quiet guy who says nothing and sits in the back and waits for trouble to come to him. You know, there was like a silent, mysterious quality. We gave you this fucking dream. Yeah.

What was the biggest article there? The biggest ad in all the kids' magazine wins, don't get sand kicked in your face. Yeah. All right? Joe Weider, for $1.99, Joe Weider would send you a poster that you hung on your wall with all the techniques you had to do to lift and be strong in 14 days. Plus, he sent you a trophy for an additional dollar of a guy like this with a chick hanging off him at the beach. You don't think I ordered that motherfucker 10 times?

You want me to you i had 10 of those posters joe was the when we were kids when i was in high school before i had taken taekwondo there was this one dude and i'll never forget this guy he was uh he had this girl he was from another school and he had a girl that he was dating from our school that was really pretty she was one of those pretty girls that didn't get recognized as being pretty but she sort of snuck through because she was kind of nerdy but she was really pretty and so this dude came by to uh to pick her up at school and he was like obviously like being looked at by all these kids from this school that you know he didn't belong to so he had adopted this like

really intense sort of posture and he you know he a, like a jean jacket on and he was practicing karate, practicing karate, like on our, in our school. Like there's like a little patio area, you know, there's like a little, a little, uh, breezeway in between buildings as you're walking from building to building to go to your classes, not a patio, but you know, just an open grassy area. This motherfucker's out there throwing kicks and kicking his hands and shit, doing all these, like, inside crescent kicks, kicking his hands and making this loud noise

and looking really intense. And I remember thinking, like, wow, like, what a weird guy. And I was thinking, I wonder if he really can fight, because I didn't know, and I hadn't figured anything out yet at that time. You know, I didn't really... I'd done like very little martial arts, so I was maybe sort of kind of impressed by him, I was like, maybe this guy's like some crazy martial arts master, but I'm like, but why is he smoking cigarettes, you know, this is weird, but I'm, that guy, I'll never forget that guy, because as I got older, and I would go through my database of things that I saw in my life and seeing how

I saw people behave and whether or not that makes sense. That one always stands out as like a glaring one. Like what a weird guy. What a jack off. Because somebody would just go up to him and smack him. That's what happens in those things. Some dumb motherfucker comes out and is having a bad day. He's like, dog, you're a fighter?

Yeah. Let's spar a couple times. I went to a very easy high school. It wasn't dangerous at all. It was Newton South High School in Newton, Massachusetts. And they bust in a lot of kids from other schools, but the kids were pretty happy

to be there from the bad neighborhoods, and they were usually pretty cool. Because it was a nice neighborhood. Newton was, like, real quiet. So, like, the shit that kids are dealing with today in high schools, especially in cities, I mean, that's just like a prison yard. I mean, there's craziness going on in high schools today, man. And what they're doing to try to combat it.

I mean, we talked about that one place in Connecticut that had done that raid on the kids' classes and pretended there was a shooter in the building. They were looking for drugs. So they tell the kids that there's a shooter in the building. They were looking for drugs. So they tell the kids that there's a shooter in the building. And to get in the corner of your classrooms and huddle up. Why didn't they just say something like, hey, we're having a fire drill?

They should have said, sit down. We're searching for pot. Let's be honest. Let's be honest about what we're doing. But to say that you have a shooter, but that's how crazy they are. You know, they mean,

this is the, the, the kind of shit that, you know, we, we never had to deal with that kind of shit when we were kids. What was the last time when we were growing up, there was no school shooters.

There was no one like go into schools and shoot anybody up until Columbine. That was like unheard of. I mean, there'd been some mass shootings at the one, um, there was an Austin, the guy in the tower, which was that? I don't remember. That was like unheard of. I mean, there'd been some mass shootings at the one, it was in Austin, the guy in the tower. What was that?

I don't remember. It was a sniper. I forget. Shit, I forget that case. I forget what it was. But there has been some, you know, mass shootings and shit like that before, but never like at schools.

I never had problems like that at my high school. Now, in hindsight, I'll tell you what, my grammar school was alive and kicking. And I had two kids in my seventh grade class that today are in prison for murder. One was Charlie Gizzy, and I should have known that

because whenever a plane would go by, he would always get on top of his desk and shoot it down. Like, he would go... in his mind. And him and his brother killed the guy with their bare hands on this neighborhood that we know five corners He's got five corners. I always knew like I knew kids like that see when we were in school They would hold you in grammar school till you were 16

So these motherfuckers were just looking to quit so they were just sitting it back, but in reality they were just gangsters You know they would tell the teachers fuck off and shit the teachers couldn't really get it together when they're 16 Then they it was called a pilot program. Once you were driving to the eighth grade, they had to fucking send you to high school. But these kids were in no danger of going to high school. See, now you have to be 18 with a consent, and your parents have to sign you out of school. It's tough to quit fucking school today. It wasn't tough when we went to school.

You just had to sign in yourself, 16. Parents didn't even have to sign you out. So it's a different fucking world. Now they have to be involved for you to drop out you don't see no commercials with dropouts no more when we were kids you seen a lot of commercials with dropouts and hemophilia whatever happened to hemophiliacs they just moved the fuck on when i was a kid there was a hemophiliac bleeding on tv every 10 minutes remember that commercial he'd pick himself with a needle hi i'm a hemophiliac. What the fuck happened to those people?

They moved on. There's no more hemophiliacs. They would just bleed to death. Yeah, if you pricked them and shit. I was always asking my mother, am I a hemophiliac? Because I don't want

nobody bumping into me. Oh, could you imagine? I'm bleeding to death at the Chinese restaurant. I'm eating sushi and next thing you know I'm bleeding to fucking death. Could you imagine?

Remember that? What happened to the hemophiliacs? They just passed the fuck on. What a fucking shit disease to have. To just walk around like a water balloon, you know, just hoping that nobody pricks your skin or you'll leak out. And you can't stop it.

What do you do? What do they do? I don't know what happened to it. That evolved. Remember that was the treatment? They were always trying to get money and shit like that. That's fucking nuts. But yeah, schools... Hey, listen, man. They were always trying to get money and shit like that. That's scary shit. But yeah, schools. Hey, listen, man. I'm scared of high schools right now.

If I was a parent, I would be scared if I was a parent. Yeah, I would homeschool. But what are my fucking options? I homeschool, and then what? Then my kids are fucking Momo. He don't know how to fuck other people. Nowadays, I bet you there's software that can homeschool you, where every day you sit I know there is. I know there is.

Your kids are going to get dragged into it. It's a mad world out there. What about my social fucking net? What about socializing with kids? There's something you do. Yeah. You can't socialize with your brother and sisters all your life. That's part of school.

Learning relationships. Learning how to agree. Yes, I agree with whatever. I would go on fake dates with my kids. It's like you were talking about Altadena. I have a friend that lives in Altadena. He has a beautiful home. Him and his wife have three children.

Nice family. My wife works with the wife. I go over there from time to time. They have three kids. You've got to see this block, Joe Rogan. What you and I would do as kids to have this block, we would kill. You know those blocks with a little slant? Just a little one, not a deep one.

You could make ramps. You could do a thousand things. You. You could make ramps. Right. You could do a thousand things. Dog, you know how many times I've gone over to the barbecue and there's not one kid on the street? Yeah. So I would knock on all the doors. If I was a stay-at-home parent, like as a parent, I'd go,

all the kids got to get out of the house. I don't want to play stickball. Put a recreation for this block, just for this block. Half of yous don't fucking work in the afternoon. Get these kids out of the house to learn social skills, which is a computer's great and you learn a lot. You know, when I was a kid, they said if you read the New York Times for four years, you got a better education if you went to college.

That was the big thing. Fuck college. Read the Wall Street Journal for four years every day, and you'll learn more on the New York Times. I'm sorry. Now you got to get these fucking kids out. There's no kids out, Joe Rogan. Drive around your neighborhood. I'll give you a fucking dollar for every kid you see. You'll come more on the New York Times. I'm sorry. Now you've got to get these fucking kids out. There's no kids out, Joe Rogan. Drive around your neighborhood.

I'll give you a fucking dollar for every kid you see. You'll come home broke. Not a kid outside. Nothing. There's not even paper routes to teach a kid how to flip a buck, which is the most important thing when a kid is 13 and 14. Yeah, it is a weird time that we live in. You can't just have your kids run around in your street playing.

You've got to monitor them like a hawk. Like a fucking hawk. We got lucky, really. I think in LA. No, I don't think it's just in LA. If you go to Ohio, it's not. Are there still kids on the street playing? It's still normal. I mean, out here it's completely different. Really? Yeah. Ohio is just like

exactly how it was when I was a kid. Ohio's like the 1950s America. It's like a Tom Hanks movie. Why? It's like an old sweater that you put on and sit before the fireplace. I think most places are. Ohio.

You know, kids are more educated. When I was a kid and you were a kid, we had to fucking get a Britannic encyclopedia and look something up. Remember that shit Joe wrote? Yeah, I do. A Britannica. We had to steal the page out of the library

and bring it home and do a third paper. Yeah. Now, with a flip of a button, if I'm 13, I'll find out what a blowjob is. Yeah. And I'll find out what a fucking explosive is and how to make C4. And I can learn it. I'm fucking lying, you know? Yeah.

We didn't have that shit. I don't want these kids in the fucking house. They got to get some vitamin D, dog. They got to get some sunlight, these fucking kids. And now you become a vampire. Well, I think it's unhealthy, certainly. The way we did it was healthier healthier but it was also more dangerous just to be able to wander around the street what how old were you when you weren't monitored anymore when you could just leave the house i think it's safer now in some ways with cell phones how old were you five six

you go in front of the house yeah oh santo dio they call you where are you stay right there yeah i remember you know don't cross Broadway. Okay. I remember very clearly getting in a fist fight with my cousin when I was five, and he lived down the street. So I was wandering around the street when I was five years old. No, I wasn't even five, I don't think. I was like somewhere between four and five. Okay, but remember, when you were wandering down the street,

Mrs. Rogan, your mom was friends with Mr. Mary Magicaccia that had the third block down the corner, and she had a boy. And three doors from her, you had Mrs. Wilson, and she had a boy. So all those moms were watching you. There was a network of moms. Remember, it takes, what's that expression, to raise a village? You had people that were watching you. So I could say to you, hey, you're going to go over by Joe's house?

Yeah, tell him when you get over to Joe's, have his mother call my house. And it was a scam. We still put a scam together. He's coming to my house, you're going to go over by Joe's house? Yeah. Tell him when you get over to Joe's, have his mother call my house. And it was a scam. We still put a scam together. He's coming to my house. I'm going to your house. But there was more. I see kids now. I don't see them outside. It concerns me. The next generation is going to be on computers. Yeah, they're going to be very intelligent. They're going to know how to fucking reprogram a bomb if they need to.

But the social aspect of it, we're going to get lost socially, maybe. I don't know. I hate to say it. I don't know. But you can't fucking homeschool a child. I wish I could full time so he wouldn't be out. When your kids leave to go to school now, you have to have a fucking doubt. But so do our parents. Anything can happen.

Anything can fucking happen. Joe, we were so lucky. We were so fucking lucky. I can sit here and tell you i've never been one time a guy went for my dick when i was in the eighth grade i could tell you all the times that could have happened those stories i took about peep shows sticking my head in the thing i was in the eighth grade brother yeah i was in the eighth grade on 42nd street somebody could have just grabbed me and took me in the back and me to death you know i mean i was playing three card

monty on 42nd street he was in 20s the return of the phone i swash up we turned it on to do the interview with the computer guy it's just uh it's very weird how i was just very lucky compared to a lot of people we're both very lucky you've got a call from oh have you seen these photos of Rihanna cutting lines of cocaine on her bodyguards head yeah check this out it's uh it's on LB times.com and supposedly it's Rihanna doing his body. She's sitting on, what is that called, when you're sitting on the person's back? Is that piggybacking?

Piggybacking. On their shoulders? And he's the bald head guy, and there's just photos of her, like the big pile of cocaine on his head, and she's just cutting up lines on it. Allegedly. Allegedly.

That also looks like it could be cheese, and she's got a dorito chip in her hand yeah maybe she's eating some chili con queso the bottom looks like cheese to me funny i'd say that's cheese joe diaz cheese no matter how you look at it you know what i'm saying fucking she went back with that fucking dude with chris brown yeah yeah they're friends again or something that's crazy i don't think that's... Yeah, well, he fucked up. For sure.

He fucked up for sure. That's a big fuck up, though. Yeah, but I think maybe he learned from that fuck up, you know? She's got a great fucking ass. She really does. Yeah. Who knows, man? Why speculate?

I speculate way too much on this goddamn show. Who knows? About what? About life, Joe Diaz. It's too much goddamn talk. Fuck it it we should have a drawing podcast we just all draw I was toxic what the fuck are you talking about that is the dumbest idea ever we should have a podcast that people listen to where we're just drawn a show these things for the people because one part of the Joe Rogan

experiment is to let people know about higher consciousness. You showed me a little pen that you had, so I want to show people how we're doing. Is the camera on right now? A pen that I have? You know, a little fucking sticker you had the other day. This is what's going on right now, and I didn't know about this. Joe and these guys tried to turn me on to vapor years ago, and I didn't like it because

you had to cut the weed with a scissor and put it in a little fucking thing, and you had to smoke 29 bonk hits, and then my buddy turned me on to this. The Eureka fucking vapor gun, right? It put in a little fucking thing and I had to smoke 29 buckets and then my buddy turned me on to this. The Eureka fucking vapor gun, right? It comes in a little package. There's an eighth of weed in this tube. We can't show you actually snogging it. I can't open it without a scissor. And you go like this and you take this off.

And you take this fucking tube, people people and you put it in here this is like you're putting together a silence okay and you go like this jesus christ look at that contraption we're doing it, bitches. So while you're waiting for that Canadian bud to come down, I'm smoking Skywalker OG, and it's an indica. They have a fucking sativa in the boot, too. Listen, I'm going to blow that in the stewardess' face next week. You know what I'm saying? That's how I'm rolling.

Doesn't smell like anything. Nothing. Nothing, dog. This is the fucking future, and I'll tell you why I'm rolling. Doesn't smell like anything. Nothing. Nothing, dog. This is the fucking future. And I'll tell you why I'm here with this fucking thing. I'll be strictly honest with you. I suffered from high blood pressure when I had the knee swelling. I had to go to the doctor every day.

So I said, let me fuck with this doctor. So I was just smoking that before I would go to the doctor. Dog, when I'd walk in, it was 130 over 80 like a motherfucker. So this vapor isn't really affecting my smoke. When I would smoke in the morning, walk in to the doctor, I'm walking in there at 160 over 100. You know what I'm saying?

I'm smoking a heavy duty boy. Here's my problem with them is that it doesn't still, it seems for price wise, it just doesn't seem like, I'd rather have a real joint. $30. $30, I get an eighth.

The last two I've smoked have lasted me a week. When was the last time an eighth even lasted a day of my fucking life? So is it actually pot in the thing? No, it's hash oil. That's got 27%. They have a 31% for OG. They have a 27% for Skywalker. This is like smoking without the stems and the seeds.

Did you see what Obama said recently? What did he say? Uncle Joey smoking from the stems and the seeds did you see what obama said uh recently what'd he say the uncle joey smoking from the fucking vaporizer no bastards he was talking there's a rolling stone article where uh they interview him and they asked him about pot and asked him about what's up with the crackdowns on pot and he said that although we're not going to go after the the person who's using it it to alleviate some symptoms for a legitimate medical condition, we're not going to go after them, but we're certainly not going to allow large-scale marijuana operations, and that it's still an illegal federal drug. Federally, it's illegal, even though it's medicine in, I think it's like

16 different states now, right? Isn't it? Anybody? Brian? I'm sorry. I'm trying to censor your stream so we don't get paid. Yeah, Joey, you can't smoke that thing on the air. I ain't smoking it. They've been mad at us. Jesus

God damn it. That door I'm sitting in for an hour. I'm gonna do it. I'm sitting here for an hour. I'll do something. The thing is we've become friends with the dude who owns... I love him too. I respect him. I'm not smoking on there. I'm just telling him the truth. This is the Joe Rogan Podcast. This ain't communist fucking Cuba. You know what I'm saying? I got a medical marijuana license. What? What? What? Speaking of communist Cuba, that Hector Lombard signing, he's going to come to the UFC. That's going to be crazy.

That dude's a bombshell. I've watched all his fights at Bellator, man. He was supposed to come to the UFC a long time ago, but there was something that couldn't work out. God damn, that guy's good, though. He's scary. Scary dude. He throws bombs, man.

For your moms. For Carl Lombs. He's fast, too. He's fast. he's got fucking hammers in his hands and he's a real good judo guy too real hard to take down he's an interesting fight it's gonna be interesting to see him step into the high levels of uh of the you know the ufc's middleweight division i don't know they don't think they've decided yet but it's gonna be someone good i'm sure you know they're gonna put him they've decided yet. But it's going to be someone good, I'm sure. They're going to put him right in with someone real good. He's a bad motherfucker, though.

There's a few guys over there at Bellator that are really good. Eddie Alvarez, that guy's really good. He just beat Aoki? Yeah, he beat Aoki. And then Mike Chandler, the dude who beat him, he's fucking good, too, man. That kid's a beast. That kid's really good. His fight with Eddie Alvarez was crazy.

That was nutty. And it caused Alvarez in the Aoki fight to leave to go to camp, you know, so he wouldn't be distracted with any of this stuff from, you know, his home life to really dedicate himself for six weeks. So he went down, and I think he did some training with the Black Zillions, and he looked I think he did some training with the Black Zillions and he looked fucking tremendous. He was just so focused against Aoki. Speaking of tremendous, that card

Saturday night. What a great card. How good was that? If you look at it from A to Z, from Travis Brown to the fucking Matt Brown fight to fucking Matt Hominick, Mark Hominick getting jumped like that by the Filipino. When they had him on the side

with the Q-tip in his nose, he looked like my friend Edwin San Juan with a joint in his mouth. He really fucking did. I called Edwin right from the thing. I go, are you watching this Filipino? He's like, yeah. That motherfucker took it to Hominick. There was some great Rory McDonald. There were just great fucking fights.

Thank you very much for taking this. Jon Jones against our boy Rashad Evans. We had a great time. Did we not, Redman? Yeah, that was awesome. That was awesome. Now, has Jon Jones ever fought Silva? Anderson?

Anderson Silva? No, no, he's definitely not fought. But it seems like those two together would be like watching The Matrix. I mean, they both seem very calculated how they fight, like a couple steps faster than the other guy almost. Well, yeah. I mean, I see what you're saying. A lot of people want to see that fight.

But Anderson and him, there's a bunch of issues. One, Anderson is a 185-pounder. He has no problem making 185 pounds. That's his weight class. That's the weight class he's been a champion at. And although he's had a couple fights at 205, he fought Forrest Griffin at 205, and he also

fought James Irvin at 205, knocked both guys out. It's not his natural weight. What does he walk around at? Can he just get heavy fillings? He probably walks out around around that. Maybe even bulked up a little bit to get up there for uh james irvin and for um forrest griffin but he definitely looked like a little thicker but the the issue is

like he's really a much smaller guy if they were really the same size when he's when he's fighting at 205 that's really what he's weighing he might weigh 210 and he gets down to 205. John Jones is like lean 230. He's a lean athletic 230. And he diets himself down. And then, you know, he's very disciplined and then cuts the weight and then gets on the scale and then he's good and he can make 205. But Anderson Silva is never going to be a lean 230. You know, they're just different frames, that said, it's still exciting, because Anderson is dangerous off his back, he finishes guys off his back with triangles and things along those lines, I mean, he did it to Chael Sonnen, he did it to Travis Luter, who is a fucking killer, man, Travis Luter is a vicious jiu-jitsu guy, like, one of the best, and at the time, like, in one of his,

when Travis was going overseas, and he was and he was competing in Abu Dhabi, he's one of the best Americans at the time. Travis Luter is really high-level jiu-jitsu. Anderson caught him in a triangle. I don't care how tired he is. I'm not catching him in the triangle. You know what I'm saying? I couldn't imagine in my wildest dreams catching Travis Luter in a triangle, but Anderson can. Anderson can catch really good high-level guys. He's a legit black belt. And I think people sleep on that. You know, like his ground game is fucking good.

Even though Chael Sonnen was on top of him for four rounds beating him up, he never got fucked up. His face was never cut. If you look at him, like he rolls with shit. He turns with things. He's got good defense, you know, Anderson Silva is a threat to any man, I just think if you look at like the size, and you look at the attributes, like Jon Jones is such a good wrestler, he's so good at getting guys down, I mean, even the way he Rashad Evans, he grabbed Rashad Evans by his neck and tripped

him, almost like disrespectfully, almost like disdainfully, you know, the way he grabbed, like choked him, grabbed his neck and tripped him at the same time, he's done some nasty shit, he's getting better all the time, and his style is like the worst style for a guy like Anderson, like stylistically, he's a really tall, long guy who's hard to hit, who throws a lot of kicks, separates himself by a lot of distance, and he's a nasty wrestler. Let me ask you this. That's it. I would love to see it.

That's two types of jiu-jitsu you taught me. There's jiu-jitsu and there's MMA jiu-jitsu. Correct? Right. So the shit that he does is basically as high level as it gets. Because I never looked at it that way. He was on the bottom for four rounds.

He didn't get cut. Yeah. So basically, his fucking MMA jiu-jitsu is really just... Well, he knows how to take a shot, too, man. He knows how to roll with things. There's a video of him and Jorge Rivera when they fought in Cage Rage. And Anderson and him, they tie up, and Jorge can fucking punch, man. He punches hard.

And he hit Anderson in the tie-up with like four or five clean punches. Anderson just looked at him, stared at him, stared at him and took the shots. It's like kind of creepy how good he is. I have a really dumb, stupid what-if MMA question for you. What if Anderson Silva put on, right before the weigh-in, he put on really heavy mercury fillings in his mouth? Is that legally... Why would you do that?

Just so he could make weight without actually being... Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. No, I mean, but legally, could he do that? You know how big those fillings you'd have to be no i mean if he had like one ultimate o'brien moment no like if he had mercury teeth like fillings are all around they weigh i don't know but one little piece is like weighs a lot and he only needs to make what 15 pounds 20 pounds and if he had all mercury in his mouth like fillings

all right first of all silly this is this a real question of course it's not a real well no no i mean like would it be legal, though? If you had lead in your head. Because it would be a filling. If he had mercury fillings. Look, no one could stop you from taking a big lead pipe and stuffing it up your ass to make weight. So, wow.

So why don't they do that? Stuff a pound of lead up your ass. Because nobody wants to get heavier. They want to be lighter. No, but somebody like that that doesn't want to put on the... I guess so. What are you talking about? Brian, you're confusing the shit out of me

because you're posing this as if it's a real question. No, I just meant legally. First of all, you can't have mercury in your fucking mouth. It's poisonous. No. Why not say, if you could go to the surface of Pluto and come back to the rock... But isn't that more of a long-term effect, though?

Mercury? Being around mercury for long periods of time? I don't think it's... You're getting knocked in the head, I think, like a week at having Mercury in your face is probably a horrible idea, but... I don't think so. First of all, if you had enough weight in your mouth to actually make you heavier, your fucking head wouldn't be able to move right.

It would take you a year to get used to the new dynamics of your body. Well, you would take it out right after weighing. How could you take it out? Why are you him joe rogan what the is wrong with you someday you're gonna shoot this kid and the cops are gonna come and you're gonna go i shot him and they're gonna go we heard the podcast we're gonna hear the shooting to put another bullet in there why are you answering them no but i didn't shut up for mercury so it wouldn't be legal like to do that or it would be legal to do that if they wanted to. No, they open your fucking mouth when you go up to Herb Mazzagati, whatever his fucking name is.

Herb Mazzagati? Yeah, open your mouth. You're not allowed to have feelings? No, he touches your fucking thighs. He touches your arms. Herb Mazzagati. Whatever his fucking name is. And now the other cocksucker showed up with his cousin last week.

Remember, there was two with the same name. Oh, Mario Yelich? Yeah, he showed up with a cousin last week remember there was two with the same name Oh Mario. Yeah, yeah, he showed up with a cousin like Dana. I got bad news I got I gotta show up with my fucking cousin. He's on the ball here. So now you got to I don't fun They open your mouth red band. Yeah, but you're not feelings No, you're not my feelings But not when you look like fucking now the guy that used to catch 22 bullets in the wild world of sports when we were kids Did that guy really catch bullets in his face? I don't know. Fucking put the YouTube video on. Of course not.

They used to put it. Yes, he did. Because that's how he fucking died. I got you, you fuck. That's how he died. They put the mouthpiece in his mouth, and he would catch the 22 and spit in the fucking frying pan. How is that possible? It's not.

Bro, everything's fucking possible. I mean, I don't know. Could you imagine letting a guy 22 you in your fucking mouth? Whoa. How do your job options slip that low? Hit it, Brian. Go to YouTube and find the guy from the Wild River Sports, 1973. Because in the old days, he was the guy that would close the big karate tournaments in New York City.

It was Aaron. He would close by getting shot in the mouth? No, no. In Madison Square Garden, Aaron Banks, whatever his name is. Yeah, he was the karate guy. He used to have a huge thing on a Saturday in July. and what closed it, the closer, the headliner was him. And then they put it on Wild World of Sports one year, so it's got to be on fucking YouTube. I'm not making this up.

I do not know how the man died. I thought somebody finally caught him with a fucking BB gun or something. A broken heart. He was practicing. You know who was a real legit karate guy that a lot of people don't really appreciate? Billy Blanks. Billy Blanks was a real legit point karate guy. Because I grew up in Boston, and everybody thinks of him as like the Taibo guy.

I got to see him fight live a bunch of times, especially back then. He was so... Whoa! These point fighting guys would get giant, dude. They were fucking huge. They were like NFL running backs. What do you got there, buddy?

Wild Rose Sports. Where the guy shoots a 22? Is this it? Whoa. Does that look like it, Brian? That's fucking... I want you to watch the answer to this first request here with a very sharp eye. And I'm going to see

how long it takes you to figure it out. This comes from William Harrison of Waterbury, Connecticut. Would you turn that off, please? That's not him. It says you asked for catching a bullet with teeth. No, no, no. It's got to be in color. It was the 70s. Why does anybody do that?

Who's impressed with you catching a bullet with your teeth? I mean, how does someone's life go down that path? Who swallows a sword? Who wakes up one you catching a bullet with your teeth? I mean, how does someone's life go down that path? Who swallows a sword? Who wakes up one morning and says, you know what? Today I'm going to swallow a fucking sword and be a magician and turn around. How does that work when you swallow a sword? Where does it go?

It's just how you position your body or neck just makes a completely straight tunnel all the way down. Imagine if right when you had somebody just fucking ran out of the crowd and tackled you, and the sword was deep in your head. Who watched the fucking HBO thing about the Wallenders? About the grandson, the fucking Wallenders. And the guy killed himself in Puerto Rico. He was gone, and the grandfather, the grand Wallender, the dude was going back to Puerto Rico.

He went back to do what his grandfather died doing. Better yet, he took his mom to meet him halfway on the rope. It was on HBO Sports. If you don't watch HBO Sports, you got a fucking problem. Because they can make ice skating look interesting on HBO Sports. Dude, dude, what did you just say? Okay. His mom and his dad.

Go hit the fucking YouTube. The Flying Wallenders on HBO. No, I'm scared. The fucking great. It's a family business. They would practice without a net. The grandfather stressed it. You practice without a net because that's the only way

you really fucking learn. The Wallenders are fucking interesting as shit. Interesting. I read about them years ago. Look at these fucking mutts. Climbing, putting up fucking wires in places. Well, they just had the great grandson or the grandson to the motherfucker that went to Port. And they show the footage on HBO.

They show 1973, San Juan, Puerto Rico, Wide World of Sports, and he midway, ah, and he fucking dies. So the grandson been doing it for years, so now he's going, he went back to Puerto Rico to the exact same building at the Hilton Hotel, and he got on one side, his mother got on the other side, and

they met in the middle, and then they crossed each other with one fucking rope, Joe Rubin. Oh my God. And the mother almost lost it. He grabbed her in the middle. Oh my God. You gotta watch it tonight. It's been on all fucking week. The fucking flying Willenders ain't fucking around, dog. They met in the middle. They're like the Wu-Tang Clan.

That is insane. The mother and the fucking son. They met in the middle. They're like the Wu-Tang Clan. That is insane. The mother and the fucking son passed each other on the wire. Jesus fucking Christ. And she started to lose it. And he held her. Held her. Told her she was fine. Then he went the other way

and he went the other fucking way to prove a point. How intense is that? That is the most intense of all time. And there's people that have a hard time at a stop sign. You know what I'm saying? These fucking Willenders. Can you imagine if we all lived on wires?

They would be the baddest motherfuckers of all time. If the world was just a series of wires and platforms. You've got to see the family practicing, Joe Rogan. Jesus, I'm scared. It's like you taking the whole platoon outside to the yard and walking across on ropes all afternoon. That has to be your whole life. Your whole life.

Your whole life. Yeah, you can't fuck around with that. Very brilliant. You've got to be so good at standing on a wire. What a terrifying fucking thing to get good at. What makes you wake up in the morning and go, I'm going to live on wire? No, no, no. It is okay.

All right, listen. You want to go out to your yard and get a treat and tie it to the fucking rain gutter and walk across? I'm with you. But to go to Atlanta, check into a hotel, and tie a fucking string across the street and walk across? Where? Where do you get your balls? Where the fuck do you get your balls from?

Tell me. Some people just always want to take things to the next level. To the next level, man. Even to the point where it's not a smart thing, but we want to find out what people can do I know where you got your balls from where that's right mother fucker Joey you can't show it on the u-stream Brian and now obviously no no baby we'll go and you see did you see the new cover to now I didn't put the new one up to yeah dancing as the first cover Joey put up on Facebook was his balls.

And the title is Where I Got My Balls. That's the title of his documentary. One of those veins looked like there was some thick blood in that one. Oh, there's some big fucking nuggets. Yeah, one of those veins looks like it was a road that had been shut down in the 50s. It was just cars there. You know I'm a veiny motherfucker, right, Bill? You're a veiny motherfucker.

All over. All over. Yeah, you are veiny. Green ones and shit. Fucking pumping and shit. You're a very fiery man, Joe Diaz. You know me, dog. What's up, man?

That's all the flavor going through your body. Hey, dog, you know how we do it. Flavor, reefer. You've had more nicknames than anybody I've ever met in my entire life. I like big babies. And they were the only ones that I ever allowed a man to have that are self-imposed. I've had friends that have tried to call themselves something. You're like, shut the fuck up.

You're not the Black Hornet or whatever. You know, whatever the fuck you're trying to be. But with Joey Diaz, it was always mad flavor. Planet Rock, he was Planet Rock for a little bit. Fat Baby's here, you know. Fat Baby. Yeah, Mitzi with your fat baby. Oh, he's so handsome.

She wanted to lick my nuts. Ah, Mitzizi I love you That was a Yeah it was It was really too bad We couldn't have gone to that 40th anniversary thing I just wish you guys

Would go there once Can't man There's no one there That you would even know It doesn't matter It's just Not my place anymore It's not

Not my spot to hang out I just I fucking I'm addicted to it again And it's I have no idea why There's too much animosity with the people that cause that issue.

You can't go back. There's always a problem. Whenever a club is legitimately in the wrong in a situation like that, where someone is trying to step in and stop some shit from happening that's been happening a lot, it's really obviously

bad. And this is also going to get a lot of attention and it's going to be good for the club because people are going to want to come down to the club like all the things are in place for them to do the right thing so I can never go back there. No I'm done. Done. I wouldn't even consider it. But I'm happy for them I'm happy for them and I hope it stays

open forever. It's a great club. That means in 1972 they were doing that thing you know which you have to really appreciate what she did and what she put after. But, you know, people have to move on in life. Yes, exactly. I feel great that I put in my time there. Fuck yeah. It was very important for my development as a comedian.

But after that's over, it's over. You know, I think it's important to have chapters in your life. I would never. I considered it about a month ago, just stopping in. I think Ari was there, Red Band, and I was like, you know what, you can't go back. I always feel like I paid my tribute to what that place was supposed to be about.

We did a lot of time there. I did a lot of free shows there. I did a lot of free shows that we pumped up on MySpace, never got a penny from them, and I replaced the sound system so i felt like what i did i was like i paid i i gave to what the comedy store was to me so it's is i can leave i can leave it i think you're at peace with it sure yeah i don't wish them ill and i left my soul still one of the greatest clubs just to go in in all the world as far as like the

history of stand-up comedy there's only a few places like the the comedy magic club in hermosa that's a crazy one man you walk around those walls in the back and he's got first of all that guy mike lacy who owns the comedy magic club is the nicest guy in the face of the earth amazing guy and he's got a back room where the comics sit and they feed you gourmet food. Salmon with mashed potatoes. Delicious, delicious. Desserts. And they're so generous and so kind that all the writing on the walls,

they have brick walls where comedians sign it. They ask you to sign it the first time you work there. All the writing is positive. All of it. That's crazy. Like most clubs you go to and it's like cock, fuck, sock, dick. My favorite is the punchline in Atlanta. I took a photo of it.

It was my favorite thing I ever read on a green room. It said, stop trying to be Hicks. Whoever you are out there, God bless you, sir. God bless you, sir. There's very few things more annoying than when you see a dude trying to be Hicks. You're like, ooh, no. And you smell it coming. Find your own way, Hicks.

And there's a thousand of them out there that are trying to be Hicks. Find your own way, lads. Oh, it's so sad. Don't do it. I've been being at the store hosting for the 10 o'clock show for a year or two. Joe knows this. You know how many Hicks wannabes I've seen walking in? There's a lot.

I was there the night that you were there, that Holtzman referred the kid. And the kid came in, and actually his second joke was why would Jesus come back the lab? Why are people wearing crosses around their neck right? He went right into the second joke He didn't even massage your titty a finger bang yet He stole a joke right from the jump BAM and I'm in the mid C going give him the fucking light Yeah, I often went up to her. Do I tried to be cute like yeah, hopefully referred me, but he's right I shouldn't belong here. You just did a stolen joke, an obvious one. You didn't even fucking try to hide it and mask it or nothing.

Yeah, well, that's always going to be the case for people like that. But the amount of people that wanted to be Hicks, because he had such a weird impact on comedians, more so than any comedian that I'd ever seen. Because no comedian made you want to change your behavior the way Hicks did. Like, Hicks was so charismatic and so confident in what he was doing, and his material was so unique, like the subject matter was so unique, that all these dudes wanted to start acting like him. They wanted to start, they literally adopted his philosophies, you could see it, and when you talked to them, they were like from the church of Hicks. And I thought about it. I'm like, Kinison never

did that. Kinison made you laugh, but it was always ridiculous shit about cadavers getting fucked and Jesus screaming when he was on the cross. It was ridiculous fun stuff. But Hicks literally almost enticed a school of thought.

And a bunch of people started being like he is that's kind of what you kind of have the same thing well it's very different i mean i i've unquestionably was influenced by that guy there's no question and i would never deny it um i think i think every person influences every person around them you know i've been influenced by joey um i've been influenced by duncan i've been influenced by aey um i've been influenced by duncan i've been influenced by ari i mean i think we all influence each other but your style of comedy i remember when i first saw you it was very very like i've never heard anyone talk this kind of way about certain topics and it was kind of like the a whole like almost like a religion almost where

that was it was so different than seeing you know like fucking steve martin with a fucking banjo on the stage which is what i thought comedy was well right after my first series of mushroom trips is when i started writing shit about the de-evolution of human beings and where the pyramids came from and you know where society's going like i started writing shit that was just so much different than anything i'd ever written before But it was a direct result of my own psychedelic experiences. Before that, everything I was talking about was just like simple base shit because that's really all I was thinking about. I mean, I might have had complex thoughts bouncing around in the back of my brain that I couldn't figure out how to put together into anything coherent

that I could bring on stage. But once I started doing mushrooms, once I started smoking pot too, it could just completely change my comedy, 100%. I think that's been, if I had to say what's the biggest influence in my career, it's pot. It's funny that, you know, people don't want to admit that, but I think you have to be honest. You have to be honest. I mean, I for sure have done the work myself, for sure. I've sat many an hour in front of the computer, in front of a notepad, and many times on stage performing, and many travels on many different airplanes.

I've done all that stuff too. But goddamn weed helps. You can do a lot of the work, but weed most certainly helps. It's steroids for comedy, rather. It's amazing how, I was going to tell you this, we were on the phone about a month ago, and we were talking about the success of the podcast. And if you really watch comedy, if you're a real student of comedy,

and you're going to agree with me, we forget about this, the fucking tape that changed comedy forever was Rodney Dangerfield's two specials with those ten killers. From Dom Herrera to Hicks to Dice. Look at what those ten guys did in the history of comedy. Robert Townsend, Roseanne Bard, Dom Herrera, Bill Hicks, Lenny Clark, fucking Bob Nelson. You look at what those ten guys did. They changed the film.

Seinfeld. Seinfeld was on that too. Was he really? those 10 guys did. They changed the, Seinfeld. Yep. Seinfeld was on that too. Was he really? Yes. He did the joke with the, how does the hair get out of the shower? Does it have his own life? Da, da, da, da.

Nobody can reach you in the shower. People try to call you in the shower. He can't talk. He's in the shower. You know, all that bit. Huh. Yeah. Look at it.

Look at the two lineups. The lineups are brilliant. It's Lenny Bruce. Was Tim Allen on one? No. Dice follows, fucking Bill Hicks follows Dice. Yeah, I remember that. And's Lenny Bruce. Was Tim Allen on one? No. Dice follows fucking Bill Hicks follows Dice. Yeah, I remember that. And it is the most, if you're a comedian and you

come to me, what do I watch? What do I learn? Just get that tape and watch it over and over. Watch the change of energy of Dice Clay talking about I have a mink, you know, when his mother he discovers jerking off, which is a great bit. He goes, my mother has a mink that hasn't moved in years. You know, what do you want for dinner? Spinach? I came which is a great bit. He goes, my mother has a mink that hasn't moved in years.

You know, what do you want for dinner? Spinach? I came already, that whole bit. He destroyed. And Bill Hicks went up there, bro, with this demeanor. How you doing? My name is Bill Hicks. I'm from Houston, Texas.

That means I play in places like, what is it? Enid, Oklahoma. Let me give you my impersonation of Enid, Oklahoma. Woo-hoo! It's inside the club. You know, he just goes on. But that's the one where he did one of my all-time. This, to me, is my most favorite joke when he goes,

fucking Vincent Van Gogh cut his ear off to send to a woman. That makes like a dozen roses seem like a booger. He goes into that one. He goes, Vince, really, Vince? What, Susie called? That to me, when he says what, Susie called? That, he, and then he goes into being, listen to how his material then was hot. He talked about working at a horror movie

on Hollywood Boulevard and how people would come in and sit behind him. I remember when I chopped off that guy's head. Then he talks about when he used to work at a shoe store, a woman's shoe store, and try women's shoes on. But then he went into the bit about, you know, I had a love and she dumped me, and someday when her kids are bringing home rickets

and dead animals, that whole bit, and he'll be fucking her and vials of phlegm and fat will be coming over her face, I'll be on TV doing this show. And he took it, he took an infallible position and fat and will be coming over her face, I'll be on TV doing this show. And he took it. He took an infallible position because most comics with a white dice clay and go, forget it, I'm not going up.

And he went up there and he took that energy and he just weaved it right in front of you. And to me, as a comic, that is the most influential set I've ever seen because he took heat. He didn't take a good set. Watch it. he took heat he didn't take a good set watch it yeah he took heat he took a guy up there talking about pussy and cock and outing and fuck you up the ass and Mickey Ricky what was the nursery rhymes I mean yeah fire oh he was on fire that it was Lenny Clark and before that it was Dom Herrera yeah Dom Herrera was hilarious you never know those guys like to be missing an arm but they're still tough. They'll fight you with one arm.

Remember that? Hey, you talking to me? I'll fight you with one arm. You know what I'm saying? That's when he does that bit I love of Don Marrera. How you doing, Uncle Vinny? Me, I got this. My asshole hurts.

My wife, she won't bust my balls. But you know me. I don't complain. I can't complain. I can't complain. That shit is priceless. That Lenny Clark opens up. Remember, he comes, I ain't doing my name, whatever.

He does that. You know, one of my first bits, the first time I ever got paid was opening for Lenny. Come on, though. That was my heart, man. It was my second professional gig, but I always lie and say it was my first. But he took- Because it was working with Lenny. You know, Joe, he took a bunch of comics that were big in their region.

Because at that time, Dice was selling out Rascals, Grandpas. Dice was killing them in New York. Signslow was killing them. Hicks was killing them in Houston. They had all come up to the comedy store now. And they were all the killers from their region. They had all been a word-of-mouth killers is what it was. Kennison, yeah.

I was a part of the Boston word-of-mouth. I got a chance to see what it was like. They were killers, these 10. But you know what? If you look at it, that's the same thing the podcast is doing for us. And I got to thank you. Rodney Dangerfield, at the age of 52, he had nothing. And he took these comics that were right there on the brink, bro.

And he made them stars. Because the next day, they called fucking Kennison for the Tonight Show. It was over. Seven minutes set. He gave them light. And look what those ten comics did with their lives. Think about it. I mean, the only guy that really didn't bust a TV show was Dom Herrera, and he's still a damn good fucking comic. Dom Herrera still

kills it. Bob Nelson on that? My name is what? My name is what? Shut the fuck up, KFC! I'm shooting a commercial over here! That's brilliant, bro. You know, Bill, I bill i think he does this well there's the connection with me there too because guess what if it wasn't for bob nelson i would have never had sussman as my manager how fucking crazy is that my manager used to manage bob nelson and bob nelson had uh decided to he'd become a christian and he had decided to have his prayer partner become his manager. And so my manager said, well, all right, well, I got to go out and find new clients.

So he came to Boston, and just by luck, I was going on stage that night. I wasn't even scheduled. I went on stage that night because I had a joke that I wrote that day that I wanted to try out. So I asked him if I could get five minutes. I'd only been doing comedy for like two years. I was still like a scrub. I was still like a rank amateur, you know? So if it wasn't for him, I would have, who knows where I would have been, you know? That's the hardest thing with comedians is that someone who's got that comic mind, that's not the best marketer. That's not the best person for getting their name out there you know they're usually like some of the really funny people we know like brian holtzman you know i fear a world that doesn't know

about brian holtzman i fear i fear a world that doesn't that never saw the brilliance of that guy right after susan smith drowned her kids that guy went on stage a week after that lady drowned her fucking kids and it was a huge case all across the country he goes on stage he goes i heard there were bad kids i heard they didn't put away their blocks i heard they spilt their milk they sat that close to the tv those kids won't be missed and you're like holy shit i've tried to get him on so many podcasts like there's so many people like that that that's why i love doing podcasts because I love getting people to see people like Brian Holtz or Brody Stevens.

Or Brody Stevens, yeah. Well, your podcast has certainly exposed Brody, and the Ice House Chronicles have, and having him on this podcast has. And Gal Fanakis loves Brody. Brody's just, he's, to me, just one of those little brilliant works of art that you see out there in the world, where you just, like, you stumble upon something that's not like anything

else, and, you know, you got to learn to appreciate it, but when I get out of Brody, it's all positive, you know, especially now that he's, he's really feeling healthy again, you know, all I get out of Brody is a nice guy who has funny shit to say. He chimes in some really personal funny shit. He's just a gem. He's a gem of a dude. He's a good guy. I know that motherfucker from Seattle. And he's a guy.

He's just an amazing guy. He's a great guy. But he's also a guy that's not the best at marketing himself. And that's the only reason why the world doesn't know exactly. When was the last time you met a fucking funny comic that marketed himself? We think Richard Pryor went home and got on MySpace at night. He didn't. You know, you had to be funny by fucking making the ranks in the old days.

You had to bang it out. You know, very interesting. A couple weeks ago you were saying you had talked to Stephen Perry, Joe Perry on Twitter. Yeah. And you were thinking of getting him on the show. Think of Aerosmith. It was 1974.

The Boston Red Sox were everything. Check 1974 in Boston. The hockey team was up there. The Celtics, what can I tell you about them in 74? They owned the world. And here's these five dirty motherfuckers rocking it. And all of a sudden they'd put two albums on. They have to get your wings.

The rumor was that they were on heroin. You'll never see them perform again. And they released an album named Rocks. And the first cut of the album, he comes out and yells, I'm back! And he destroyed music forever. There was no Twitter. They should chop that up

for a fucking Aerosmith. There was no Twitter. There was no Facebook. There was nothing, Joe Rogan. You had to do it with talent. You had to do it with talent. You had to make that much of an explosion in New Hampshire for these motherfuckers to come and watch you. You think about what Aerosmith did in 1974. I've always been a huge Aerosmith fan. You have a minute.

You call home and you put on rocks. Look at the cover of the fucking rocks. It's five diamonds. Five diamonds. Five guys that didn't even talk to themselves two guys splitting I put the sides of the house and the drummer and the bass player talked everybody else didn't talk why sign your name because now They were on the fucking H. You had a sign your name to book the studio, which is in the basement So you imagine me and you live in the same house

We hate each other But we still in the band look at rocks rocks and they did this for rocks toys in the attics and something else because they got Five albums. Oh draw the line. They got five five albums that I put up against anybody Get your wings. I'll put up against rocks. I'll put up against anybody bring it Yeah, I'll put it up against any Pink Floyd rocks when they and when Joe Perry takes those heroin fucking put on nobody's fault Listen to no. Oh, yeah. Listen to fucking up. oh my God, I've been listening to, oh, Kings and Queens. Oh, yeah. Not the version on The Greatest.

It's they chop the heroin guitar. The long version, and you hear Joe Perry fucking, your soul taps. Joe Perry was a bad motherfucker. You know, there was a time when Kurt Cobain killed himself, that there was something going on between Aerosmith. It was like Steven Tyler and Bob Goldthwait were having some back and forth thing where Steven Tyler was talking about,

pretty sure it was Aerosmith. And they were saying that Nirvana was, you know, the last thing they would give a shit about was Aerosmith. And I remember thinking, how can anyone say that? Aerosmith, they became ballads for movies. But there was a period,

a time, Walk This Way, I mean, come on, man. They were fucking badass. What they came back to, they were five guys that were strong so much on heroin, even Night at the Ruts, which was torn by the critics. If you put it on, what they came back to, they were five guys that were strong so much on heroin. Even Night at the Ruts, which was torn by the critics. If you put it on, it's a great fucking album. It's a great album.

That's when he left. And I remember I went to see him. I went to see the Joe Perry Project. Open up. Heart opened up for them. Jesus Christ. At Radio City. Again, I was on a quaalude and I grabbed the fucking blonde by the ankle.

Security almost fucking killed me. You grabbed the guitar player? I fucking grabbed it. Did you really? I want to bite that fucking ankle, you dirty blonde bitch. Oh, that bitch can play the guitar. Let me tell you something, bro. But, you know, it's funny because I read that after Tyler went on American Idol,

Aerosmith sold a bunch of albums, but they only sold albums up to Loving an Elevator and all that shit. They're fucking original, the Bloodline. These kids can't handle it. You put on Get Your Wings, Train Kept a Rollin' live, and they mix it into it. Because if you listen to Train Kept a Rollin', that's never been done before.

It starts studio, but it ends live. What were they doing? What was Hart doing that made them so good? Were they doing heroin? I don't know. What did she do? Their first fucking two or three albums, Little Whatever. God damn, they wrote some great songs.

God damn. No, no, no. Barracuda is a great fucking song. Tremendous, tremendous. And what about, bro? What about, oh, girl. Listen to the words on that, bro. It's about a girl who's getting drilled.

Yeah. And she loves the cock and she ain't coming home no more. Whoa. For a while. Try to understand. Try to understand. Try, understand. Try to understand. Try, try, try to understand. He's a magic man, mama.

He's a magic man. Listen to how she says it. He's a magic man, mama. That dick is driving mama crazy. God damn. No shit. That's a dude who's just sending home the goods. That's when you're 18 and you run into a 22 year old

You've been like fucking a Cub Scout who just banged you straight men loves to do that too Oh, I love you out. Just leave a devastating impression like, you know It's almost like getting off stage when your dice going follow that It's like being 16 and fucking a girl and getting out of school when she's right there ready to carry your books That means you laid some pipe on that bitch. That's an important thing to do, too, in a relationship, man. You got to rock that chick. You never understood. And then again, it really goes back to the golden principle of life.

The more things you do that make other people feel good, the better you feel good. Maybe you just had a card trick that was really cool. You got to rock it. You got to rock it. When you're married to a woman, after six or seven years, you lose that spark. So every once in a while, you get a piece of ass that's like every other week that's just a piece of ass. But every two months or every month, you come home one night, you pull up by the hair and rip the panties off, and you get down.

You got to rock it. It's like Anderson Silva. He's got to smack somebody every 90 days. You got to smack somebody every 90 days. You got to smack somebody every 90 days. You know what I'm saying? That's Anderson Silva. Did he say that? Who?

Did Anderson Silva say that? No, but he smacks somebody every 90 days. Don't he? It doesn't matter what he says. I was like, someone's going to attribute that to him via Joey Diaz. Even if he says it, what is he going to do? What, you're going to understand? I pop, I twat, I smack in the face.

You don't know what the fuck he's saying. But he smacks somebody in the face every 90 days. That's what he does. Anderson Silva's living the life, man. That's a fascinating cat right there. No, we missed out. You know they're going to have that fight in Vegas now. I know. You got off the fucking hook.

I wanted to go to Vegas. I had a great time in Rio. I know you had a great time in Rio, but if Chael Sonnen would have fucking pulled out a new chuck, they would have dismantled you like, what's that Charles Bronson movie with the cannibals? There was going to be a fight in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, in an 80,000-seat soccer arena between Anderson Silva and Chael Sonnen. The most anticipated rematch maybe in the history of the UFC. The first fight, four rounds of complete domination by Chael Sonnen.

Took him down, always on top, grounding a pound and dropping punches down. And then the fifth round, Anderson catches him with a triangle and come from behind victory. Incredible fight, right? Okay. So they were going to fight. They were going to have a rematch in the soccer stadium, but all Chael Sonnen does is talk shit about Brazil. He's coming on the week of May 7th. We're working out the date, but he's going to be on because he's got a book out. And if it's a Chael Sonnenberg i guarantee you it's tremendous that dude is a funny motherfucker he in my opinion is the best shit talker the best fight promoter of any sport period if you knew that guy you knew what he's really like and then you see like what kind of a ruckus he can stir up and how much clever shit he comes up with how great he is and answering

questions of those q and a's off the cuff i still. I still don't see his plane ticket for Brazil, so it all went down to two weeks. This is what happened. The UN has a meeting the first couple days. Let's reschedule for September. Joey, Joey, Joey. It's going to take place in July. I want to see it. I don't want to see it. I want to see it in Brazil.

That's dangerous. To prove a point. You shouldn't have said nothing. He most certainly shouldn't have said something bad about the country of brazil because let me tell you something i've never seen a country as fiercely loyal as brazil he talks shit now you gotta go down there they love i love chale and i love each other they love the brazilians love being brazilian man they're a there is so much pride in brazil it's they it's like you know there's a lot like that too it's canadians there's a lot of canad Canadians who will come down here and they find out you're a comedian and they're really excited to tell you about real funny Canadian

comedians like we've got you know can Canada's got some really good comics you know Jim Carrey came from Canada you know like they're like proud proud to be Canadian but not as nutty as the Brazilians man Brazilians are they I've never seen anything like it I've seen guys fight in Canada against Canadians and the Canadians, even though they were rooting for the Canadian fighter, for sure, were very polite, for the most part, to the American fighter, whoever the

fighter was from whatever country. In Brazil, they're chanting out, you're going to die. They're chanting. I'm talking about a whole crowd. The guy gets on the scale for the weigh-in and they're chanting out this thing. So I don't know what the fuck they're saying. And so I asked the lady.

I said, what are they saying? She goes, they're saying you're going to die. Wow. And I was like, the whole crowd was saying you're going to die? And so then we're at the fight, and it was one of the dudes from Brazil. Fuck, I can't remember his name. And he fought Mike Pyle.

God damn it. Ricardo Funch. Yes, Ricardo Funch. Ricardo Funch, who actually, I was trying to, I was getting confused. I was connecting him with Gonzaga, because I know he trains at Team Link in Western Massachusetts with Gonzaga. And Mike Pyle knocks him out. And Mike Pyle is like bowing to everybody, trying to bow. And they're booing like at the top of their fucking lungs, man. They're going crazy. By the time I get into the octagon, he's saying, I just want to say that I love Brazil. It's an honor to

be here and this and that. And they're chanting out something. So it sounds like, Cigano, Cigano. And so I asked the lady, I said, what are they chanting out? She goes, they're chanting out for Junior Dos Santos, Cigano. And so I go, oh, okay. That wasn't what they were saying. They were saying, Fagano, I think is how you say it, which means faggot. Wow. So 18,000 people were chanting out faggot to a guy who was bowing to them and saying, thank you, I love Brazil brazil i love it here thank you very much

like they were just mad that he beat a brazilian they are so passionate and nationalistic that if chael sonnen won my god that's the only reason why i was worried about you the only one i'm worried about is you and goldie you know i said yeah well they had a wall of security around him he was just in brazil recently they had a wall of security around him yes it would have been just like that that's the way all you would have heard was that noise yeah well it could have been man we could have seen him get assassinated that's not a joke that's all you ah ah what happened get a towel it would have been all no yeah that's all you would have heard i think from now on all us should be in Japan yeah Japan was very polite Japan was the most polite place

I've ever been in my life have you been following this shit lately about the reactor I've been following what appears to be an article that's written on one of those fear sites it's like the end of the world is coming apparently according to a lot of people that read it

on Twitter, the science is not correct and it doesn't make sense. But that said, I'm just repeating shit that I read. I don't really have any knowledge whatsoever. But it doesn't seem like it's good. I mean, what's going on with that fourth reactor? Is that thing melting down too? I read something about the fourth reactor.

I was like, Jesus Christ, is that a possibility that can you imagine if they have four reactors that melt down and turn that whole place in just a radioactive sewer too people are saying when that fear thing people are saying that california was already getting fucked yeah well they're saying that we have higher levels of radiation than than ever before and they're attributing it to fukushima they're saying it's getting it's in Boulder, Colorado. They're saying it's essentially all over the country. You can't stop it. It just flows over. The question is how much of it can we absorb before it becomes dangerous?

That's the question I don't know. I don't know. But they are saying that we are experiencing higher levels of radiation than usual because of these Japanese reactors. I think it's the whole country. Is there any kind of like on it type shit that would help you?

Yes, potassium iodine. Potassium iodine, it offers protection to different parts of your body, especially your thyroid gland can be adversely affected by radiation. Wow, there's been a lot of thyroid cancers lately and thyroid disease recently. I don't know if that's been since the reactor,

but I mean, there's a lot of environmental factors and genetic factors that can contribute to that too, right? Dude, you need to have a zombie away for on it. That's just that. Zombie away? Yeah. Seriously. Keep you from getting fucked by radiation?

Yeah. I bet that shit would sell. Yeah, maybe. I don't know what the fuck the future of energy is, man, but it's real scary that something like that Fukushima shit can ever happen because we're looking at such a small time frame, okay? We're looking at, here's the earth in 2012, right? Picture this. In 2012, 100 years ago, there was no nuclear power at all. There was nothing like it, okay? That's 100 years ago.

They had not figured that out yet. Just the idea that in 100 years, you can have Chernobyl, you can have Three Mile Island, you can have Fukushima, you can have all those take place. Huge, gigantic disasters that fuck those areas beyond repair for 100,000 plus years. Just the fact you can have three of those inside a 100-year period where nuclear power exists. How long do you think nuclear power is going to last, you motherfuckers? Nuclear power is going to last for thousands and thousands of years.

You can accumulate a certain amount of these fucking disasters. And the more you do, the more you're going to have unlivable spots everywhere in the world. If you want your disaster, there's your fucking disaster. There's an almost inevitable disaster. What about the ones we don't know about? What do we think that they're well how about the storage of the stuff that's the real issue they don't know they don't know where to store the waste they store it

in nevada and that's one of the reasons why you get gambling in nevada is that they did a lot of tests they did a lot of nuclear tests and they also did do a lot of nuclear storage and so these deals that they've made you're right on top of the mandalay by breathing that shit look at van nuys we might be breathing it right now you know it's crazy did you guys see that the kid from uh yes japan they found it in alaska yeah so if they found the soccer ball that shit's already there my friend that soccer ball didn't show up by itself well then it's 100 proof that radiation is hitting our shores. Yes, it's hitting our shores. Because they've said that they've already, you know, they can actually track it in a Gulf Stream.

They know where the radiation, you know, because they had to pour millions of gallons of ocean water on the reactors to cool them off. And they're still doing that. They're still doing the same thing. So they're just wantonly polluting a huge area of ocean to stop their issue. And there's no other solution.

I don't know how else they're going to no other solution. I don't know how else they're going to cool it off. I don't know what the fuck they could do. I mean, it's almost like they need science to come up with some incredible innovation to stop the meltdown of this thing. I mean, who would have ever thought that that's how a reactor is, is that there's no way to stop it, is that once you run out of power, like literally you can't contain the energy and it just eats through its containment cell, and it becomes incredibly toxic. Who would have ever thought that they would make something that seems so

likely to fail? So likely. What if it got hit by a meteor? We're fucked? You know, really? Why would anybody let them build that? It's almost like they had something and they were sure that they would have it completely harnessed in 20 years.

We'd just launch it today and cross our fingers that the power doesn't go off for 20 years. But in 20 years from now, we're going to know how to deal with this stuff. The fuck we are, we might not ever be able to figure out how to deal with nuclear waste. It might be just one of those things. Not in our lifetime. But maybe not. When they start talking half-lives of like 100,000 years. And not to mention that.

So we have all this radioactive shit. What about all the oil that's been hitting the ocean? What about the shit that happened last year? All this shit accumulates. This all affects our fucking chi one way or another. All this shit, pollution, oil in the water. We're not catching a break from any fucking direction. The only one who's going to catch a break is living in fucking Montana

where they found the teeth of those dinosaurs. That's it. I mean, where else can we? You can't drink ocean water in fucking 20 years. We don't know what we're drinking. Two years ago, they did a thing that there's drugs in the water that you drink. You know, small percentiles of, you know, fucking Valium or whatever the fuck they found, you know, which doesn't affect me.

I don't give a fucking heads to my party. But I'm just talking about there's a ton of shit out there that we don't even know about. That's what we know about. We know about that. What about when we talk about Rocky Flats in Colorado? We think those people are out there because they're making that up. Those people are real intelligent out there.

And they said that shit was leaking for years. They had proof in Rocky Flats. So we sit here for hours and talk about Boulder and all this shit, how great it is. But those people had proof that there was leakage up there in that beautiful fucking area. Have you ever gone to Rocky Flats? When you drive to Rocky Flats, you know you're somewhere that you're not supposed to be. Remember that show, The Hitchhiker on HBO? He'd be hitching and there's nothing out there, just flat land.

That's it. How beautiful is Colorado? When have you ever seen a flat part of Colorado? When you hit Rocky Flats, the mountains are far the fuck away. The whole area is flat. Very, the air is thinner. There's a little fucking guy in a security thing with an army

jeep by himself. This is the entrance to Rocky Flats. Like a Stephen King movie. It's like the continuation to The Shining. It's gray out there. When you go out there, Colorado is sunny. I've told you before, Boulder gets as much sunshine as Hawaii.

A little Hawaii area. When you go out to Rocky Flats, it even feels gray. It's probably the government, man. They probably shoot that harp shit. Now, where is the place where you go underneath? What's the name of that in Colorado? Where the Air Force has NORAD. I'm sorry, NORAD.

NORAD's in Colorado? Where? Is it not NORAD in Colorado? Can you check for me, please? Yeah, sure it is. NORAD's in Colorado. You know, like when you go in Boulder, NORAD, where the fuck is NORAD exactly? They have a place the devil's stumbling Boulder.

North American Aerospace Defense Command. How's that NORAD? I don't know. Defense Command. N-A-A-D-C. It's underneath. That's why they always said if you live in Boulder in Colorado, it's great. But the first places that are going to get bombed is going to be Colorado

because they're going to try to destroy NORAD. Even though it's just a fucking, they have 20 NORADs, and we have more higher fucking whatever ones now. NORAD was built God knows when. I mean, by now we must have other caves that are fucking stronger. But they've always said that NORAD is one of the first places they'll take out. Look at it. Read about it.

NORAD is one of the first fucking places. It's in Colorado Springs. There you go. It's located at Patterson Air Force Base. If you've ever been to Colorado Springs, Colorado Springs is like all military, man. All military. All military. In 1985, the number one growing city in the country

and number three for crime at the same time. Colorado Springs. Yeah, Colorado Springs. There's no fucking joke in 85 because they almost moved there. That's how I ended up in Boulder on the plane. Somebody said, you don't want to go to Colorado Springs. That's a GI town, dog. Get your ass in Boulder with some bitches.

It's a GI town, and it's also a really religious town. Very religious. Very religious. Colorado Springs is where Ted Haggard is from. bitches it's a it's a GI it's a GI town it's also a really religious town very religious very religious Colorado Springs is where Ted Haggard is from that dude had that crazy minister and was good winded up doing crystal meth and it's probably easy to get religious when you live there just because all the beauty around you you know you probably have like yes there is a maker of this this is amazing and gorgeous this it's also easy to get religious in an army town. You know, that's just a fact.

In military towns, you know, there's no atheists in foxholes. That's an old expression. When I got to Colorado, though, it made me want to smoke more fucking reefer. Yeah.

I gotta be honest with you. As soon as I touched base in Aspen, I became a reefer head professionally. I was always a reefer head, but once I moved to Colorado, I'm like, I get it now.

You're in God's motherfucking country. It really is God's country. You know, when you're driving through the mountains, like I always just describedfer head, but once I moved to Colorado, I'm like, I get it now. You're in God's motherfucking country. It really is God's country. You know, when you're driving through the mountains, like I always just described to you, the feeling that you get is just like something, if you're looking at the most incredible work of art, if you're looking at a beautiful, like incredible work of art,

like that feeling of awe and inspiration, and just really a wave of happiness washes over your body, that's what it's like when you're driving around in Boulder. I mean, that's how crazy it is. Have you ever seen Coeur d'Alene, Idaho? Yeah, I've been there to ski. Oh, Jesus. Jesus Christ, is it beautiful up there.

Fucking beautiful. Oh, my God, dude. I looked at some photos online, and I'm like, this doesn't even look real. These people, there's a town up there, and apparently it's like a lot of fat cats. Where's that one place in Wyoming? There's a famous place in Wyoming where Dick Cheney's got a ranch. Cheyenne? No, I don't know where it is.

Not Ribbiton, nothing like that. No, no. How about this? I'll just type in rich people Wyoming, and I bet it'll come up. But they all have this, have like a town up there where it's like all like bankers and billionaires and shit like that oh come on

I can't find it rich people live in Wyoming in Wyoming Jackson Hole Jackson Hole that's it oh it's beautiful I've been there where all rich people live Jackson Hole Jackson Hole yeah Jackson Hole that's it bro motherfuckers yeah they

oh it's beautiful beautiful they figured out a way to have a spot where all rich people live you know that's what they did they pieced it together

there was a spot you know where it's like it's all like mansions and ranches and shit you ever look you ever go online

just for a goof and like look at real estate in different towns that's fucking amazing I like to do that I like to see alright I went to I went to Jackson Hole, Wyoming

and my room not my roommate the guy that. I like to see it. I went to Jackson's Hole, Wyoming, and my roommate, not my roommate, the guy that lived next door to me in Snowmass Village in 83, his father died. So he came to me, and then he goes, I'm going to bind. I really need like $600 for my plane ticket. I gave it to him. I said, don't worry about it. Your father died. When he came back, he goes, I really want to do something nice for you.

He was the manager of Sport Kalin. Sport Kalin is a big ski shop in Aspen at the time. Right. And he used to get demos. He's the guy that first taught me how to ski. This guy did a lot for you. He was the manager of Sport Kalin. Sport Kalin's a big ski shop in Aspen at the time. He used to get demos. He's the guy that first taught me how to ski. This guy did a lot for me. One day he goes, I want to take you on a trip to him and his wife. We're going to take me to a trip to Jackson's Hole to ski. At the time I was pretty decent on 185s

but I wasn't fucking good at all. 185s? That's 180, you know, your skis. 185s, 205s. I was okay. These motherfuckers took me to Jackson Hole. My president wants to go on a helicopter and jump out of a helicopter into snow. And guys, I ain't afraid to tell you. Oh, my God. Fuck.

I couldn't do it. That. You couldn't do it? I wouldn't do it for you. You're smart. Fuck you. I should have done it. Really?

Oh, fuck yeah. I should have eaten mushrooms. It was just a 20-foot drop. It was just a 20-foot drop, and you're dropping into, you know. You know Dr. Steve, my buddy, Steve Graham. Yeah, I talked to him this morning. You're jumping into a 180-inch base of snow. So you're basically landing in 30 feet of snow.

Nothing's going to happen to you. You're just going to go down a little bit, and then the mountain's this way, and you shoot. But that's the problem. You're 30 feet of snow, and you're on the top of it? Do you know how fucking much base there is on the top of a mountain of snow? 30 feet? There's got to be 20 feet. It snows all fucking.

Oh, my God. You know, when you look right now, what's the base in Aspen? They'll give you 114 inches. Whatever the fuck they give you is the base. What does it feel like to be in an avalanche? Imagine that. I couldn't even imagine. There's one recently where a bunch of people got.

When you look back and that shit's chasing you. But, you know, when you go skiing, even skiing skiing like i listened uh three years ago i shot a movie in colorado and i went up there and they gave me a ski pass for the day and it was great i got on the gondola i put the skis on and i skied around the top and i was up there for too long and i got oxygen sickness you know high level whatever it was too high hypoxia whatever it was you get dizzy and shit so i went down but my skiing days are over but if you ever get the chance and you're young and your knees and whatever you eat a mushroom because that's what those people do they eat mushrooms and go skiing apparently uh snowboarding is easier to

yeah snowboarding it's easier it's great it really is great i don't think so no when you went this last time did you see your children ski don't your children ski no they're a little too young i thought you say that they uh they call them ski bunnies and they? No, they're a little too young. I thought you were saying that they call them ski bunnies, and they take them when they're three. Really? And they teach them how to ski. And here you are, 20 years old, you've been lifting weights, drinking protein shakes, and here you are walking like a zombie,

and these little fucking four-year-olds go by you doing nice things. Dad, fuck you. And you feel like a fucking moron. You're like, look at these. But they're lower to gravity. So it's easier for them. It was easy to talk. Well, then it should be easier for me, too.

I've got lower gravity. It took me three hours to walk from Sport Gatlin to the lift, bro. How many hours? Three hours because I put the skis on. I thought I was going to be like everybody else. Oh, no. But I kept falling and falling. You were walking with the skis on. I thought I was going to be like everybody else. Oh, no. But I kept falling and falling. You were walking with the skis on?

Like a fucking Momo, you know, like trying to practice. Did you have ski poles? Yeah, I had the poles. So you were doing like cross-country type? Yeah, that shit. That's a different type of skiing. I would go skiing with you guys anytime you wanted. No, not now.

No, no, no. Really? You ski? I grew up skiing. You grew up skiing. Ski club. Don't you have like a wonky knee, though? Yeah, I do.

He did it when he was younger. See, when you're 12 and 13 and you ski, nothing happens to you. It's just leaning left and right. Yeah, it's not that big of a deal. When you're a kid and you go skiing, your knees are fucking nothing. Your cartilage is strong. Everything's strong. You just bounce. Like I said, you don't twist.

It's when you get old to that, those skis cross. You're fucking history. I never fucked with anything when I was growing up that involved the cold. I didn't want to play hockey. I don't want to ice skate. Fuck you. You're fucking history. I never fucked with anything when I was growing up that involved the cold. I didn't want to play hockey. I don't want to ice skate. Fuck you. I hate the cold.

Skiing is amazing. I really enjoy it. It seems like fun. I had never done it in Jersey because why would you do it in Jersey? Eddie Bravo says it's like close to sex. It is. When you're flying and you hear that wind going zzzz and then you realize it's you. Your body is like a car. You're just going around in a fucking pass and is like a car. You're just going around. You realize it's you.

You see all this. You're in the forest. It's like you can't describe it. I don't trust myself, man. I'm too fucking impulsive. This is what happened to me, Joe Rogan. I would jump off the gondola and I would start skiing and go and tuck. But Brian, I would tuck and get a great stance

and I'd be balanced. And all of a sudden I realized I'm going a little bit too fast. And I would fucking crash on my own and I'd be balanced. And all of a sudden I realized I'm going a little bit too fast. Yeah. And I would fucking crash on my own. Like I'd be scared. I'd scare myself. Me too. Like I'm going too fucking fast.

Why? No, no, no, no, no. And I'd fucking plow and take, I told you, I would take out ski lines. I would just take out a line, tuck my fucking head and go for broke. Would you really? Yeah. How many times did you do that? Oh, a couple, Doug.

I'm embarrassed to say it. It's easy to freak yourself out sometimes. It's easy to freak yourself out. You freak yourself out. You're like, once your people are next to you and they start going faster, and you're like, oh, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. Because you know what the results are.

How many times have you fallen? Your ski is two miles up the fucking hill. Yeah. And you got to fucking climb up with those boots and go get it. You don't know how many times I got on a gondola with like three old. And I call them gondolas. I'm sorry, the lift. you don't know how many times I got on a gondola With like three old and I call them gondolas. I'm sorry to lift What's the difference the gondola has a hut and it's warm and you could smoke dope in there and people Is like a little house. Yeah, it's like a little house. So you don't know how many times I swear to God I got on a gondola and you know, hi, I'm Brian. Hi, you mind? No, no, come on in

Where you guys from Texas? Oh in. Where you guys from? Texas? Oh, nice. Where you from? Jersey? What are you guys? Oh, we're doctors. And all of a sudden, right before you're ready to tip off, they're like, do you mind if we spark a joint? And you're like, come on. Yeah, we'll go to Spark. Sometimes they give you a mushroom. Do you think that's still going on like that?

Most people go. It's like surfers. People go on vacation. They go to lose their fucking money. Well, yeah, and by the way, it's going to make it feel better. Yeah. Mushrooms, they eat mushrooms, and they go to apres skiing, which you sit in the jacuzzi and talk to people from 5 to 7. I don't do that kind of stuff. I don't do that stuff.

He's really weird with the jacuzzis. No, no, not me. I'm just saying that's what they do up there. You ski till 4, and it's called apres skiing. Apres skiing is where people go, and they mingle, and they talk shit, and they sit around, and you have a waitress who comes and brings you a drink. That's what apres skiing is. It's nothing bad.

I'm not into jacuzzis or nothing, but I like the skiing part. You know, I had a ski pass. I'm not into jacuzzis. Yeah, I worked at Mr. Video. So he gave me a ski pass. So the video store wouldn't open until 12. So I would hit the slopes from 9 to about 11.30, go home, eat a sandwich, and go to work.

I had a three-mountain slope. I would never go to Ajax. Ajax is like this, Doug. That's not for Uncle Joey and you. Ajax is like this with lumps. So you don't know what. So you'll hit a rock? Yeah, Ajax is like this, like this, motherfuckers, with lumps.

So people jump off and land, that type of shit. No, no, no, no, no. I went one time and I told them, stop this right now. Get me back. I'm going down. I ain't afraid to tell you. Aspen Mountain I could ski and Snowmass, I was the king. Have you ever seen videos of those guys going down the side of a mountain

and an avalanche is chasing them oh please whoa that's a fucking crazy thing to do with your time joe rogan one time i was living in aspen i was planning a jewelry heist there was a jewelry store snowmass village for i destroyed the snow village mall christmas eve if you can look up that paper, look up Snowmass paper, whatever it is, 1983. Why not? It's 30 years ago. It's going to be 30 fucking years ago. Has the statute of limitations run out? Who gives a fuck? The statute of limitations ran out on me,

bitch, right? So I was up Aspen Mountain one night and I got kinky. I just started opening up doors. And the next day in the paper, Christmas Day, they had a thing that said Snowmass Mall burglarized Christmas Eve. So I was like, there's a thing that said, Snowmass Mall burglarized Christmas Eve. So I was like, there's a jewelry store I'm going to rob up there. They were up there for years.

I'm going to rob these motherfuckers. And at the time, I had a guy. I was an electrician. I was an apprentice electrician. I was a residential wireman, and I also bent pipe for the fucking commercial guys. So I asked one of the electricians i go can you help me um get this wiring so he looked at he goes we could do it you could cut the wire and the alarm won't go off so the cops will never react to you so i had two weeks to go so i went back to jersey and i went up there one month and the blizzard it was a perfect night it's a blizzard

the cops can't get up to there to me i get up there i cut the wire i break the glass and something makes me turn around and i see the cop cars and uh audis they had not out be sobs sobs then i seen the lights but they didn't have the sirens but they were down away from me they were down well this is just to show you how smart your brother uncle joey is they were down away from me so it's a blizzard they can't catch me so i put my hood on i didn't rob the jewelry stores, but they're coming, so I start running, I start running, I fucking fall down the slope, I cut around, there was, you know, back ways to get into my house, I lived on D12, Creekside, I climb into the apartment, I take my clothes off, I fucking,

I'm sitting there, and within an hour, I get a knock on the door, and I open the door, and it's two sheriffs, and they're like, hi, how you doing now, have you seen anything suspicious, and I open the door, and it's two sheriffs. And they're like, hi, how you doing now? Have you seen anything suspicious? And I'm like, no, not really. And they're like, yeah, somebody tried to rob the jewelry store tonight. Me, the fucking genius, I walked in the snow and made a path right to my fucking door. So the guy says to me, you haven't been out all night?

I'm like, no, I've been home all night watching TV. And he's like, whose boots are those? And I look down and you can see the snow falling off and melting right in the heat and I'm like they're my boots

and he goes so you haven't been out all night? I go nah I had to go out to the car to get the fucking cassette out of the car or whatever and he goes

well it's funny because the path from that jewelry store leads right to that fucking door You silly bitch They had me but they had no charges on me I disappeared two weeks later,

before the cops came knocking for me. Two weeks? It takes that long to bring you to court? They had nothing. They had no fingerprints. They just had, at the time, there was about 20 fucking, nah, they can't. They had to mix them in.

Cutting the wire. By the time I get Barry Sheck, they had no tools or nothing. By the time they, remember, for them to come in your house, unless you let them, they have to have a warrant. So they couldn't get you on just the footprints from there to your house?

No, because I told them I went out to the car. I could have mixed it into somebody else. What the fuck? I get defenseless. What the fuck, dog? Don't make me call Barry Sheck. How clean were these footprints? By that time, the footprints of snow had fallen over them.

These silent nights. But they're still, yeah, they were still over. Holy night. Those were those depressing times For some reason man A lot of people Iced themselves around Christmas Yeah that song

That song That's the fucking problem Jesus What is it About people that Iced themselves around holidays Is it just They don't feel loved

And they just get A lot of fucking pressure You know for some people The holidays A lot of pressure Somebody leaves Somebody you really love I mean

There's a lot of that I wish in my life I got to love somebody that once they were gone, I would die. You ever hear like a wife dies and the husband dies? It happens all the time. It happens all the time. It's happened with my grandparents. We talked about it yesterday, actually. It's very sad.

I never thought about it. You know, Joe, in all the shit that I went through, I never thought about icing myself. I just always considered it a fucking... Why Christmas, though? It seems like there's high expectations of love, and then you measure yourself up to what you don't have. I always get depressed at Christmas. Yeah.

Especially in Ohio, you usually can't leave the house because of the weather. You're broke, and you have to buy something for your girlfriend, your mom, and you're just like, how am I going to do this? So you're working more, trying to make up enough money to pay for yeah I remember when people would get Christmas jobs yeah they would get extra jobs like high school high school kids would get Christmas jobs I hate Christmas yeah I guess I saw a lot of pressure today because I don't have a mother I don't give a fuck about gifts

and all that shit I get the press because you don't her birthday family my mother's birthday is we're in New York. I've got to bring flowers to the fucking cemetery Friday morning. Where's the cemetery? Jersey. We hook them. Yeah, that's another thing. Especially when you live out here, you can't see your family, so you're sitting here by yourself and you don't have a girlfriend.

You're fucking sitting lean. I don't know. The last two Christmases, I ate lean pockets instead of fucking turkey. You could just go get some healthy food. Yeah, I could, like That even makes it worse Lean pockets I'm a one man fucking parade Even if I'm alone on Christmas

That motherfucker will rock I got weed I got pot cookies I go to Boston Market And get a turkey With the stuffing and the trimmings There's so many things you could do Like I've really been fucking depressed on holidays

Not to the extent that like I'm gonna kill myself But I don't have a fucking family You know Christmas And your birthdays When you really think have a fucking family. You know, Christmas and your birthdays, when you really think about your family, you say, you know, before we came here tonight, I did something. I showed Joe and Breadband, my family in Cuba, and I cried when I watched

the video. I never met these people, Doug. How would you feel? How would you feel if you were 49 years old, and your fucking cousins were coming here to record an album in Burbank, and my uncle called me and he goes, your cousins are coming from Cuba and they want to meet you. They've seen your movies in Cuba. Wow.

And they watch YouTube on Cuba, so they wanted to meet me. And they land at fucking LAX, and the driver says, do you guys want to drive in LA and see what LA is about? And they go, yeah. And they go on Melrose, and my name is on the wall at the improv to do a show that night. Want to tell me what the chances are again? Holy shit. Want to tell me what the chances are again? And they stop and they go in and thank God Rita was there.

And Rita goes, I know who Joey Diaz is. And Rita called me and she goes, I'm standing around your cousins right now. How amazing is that? How fucking, I'm coming out of a fucking podcast with Duncan or something. And the band is amazing. Both of them. And I fucking go down there and I meet them. And one side of the family is whiter than me.

And his sister is black. And we go to Cantor's to eat. And while we're in Cantor's, Joe Rogan, every morning I play music on Twitter. And sometimes people give me shit. You're a comedian. I don't play the music for that. I play the music because it's an energy.

And I never knew it until I'm sitting with my cousins. They can't speak a word of English, but they knew the words to Stay Away to Heaven. They knew the words to 38. What's that song? Mr. Saturday Night. When you've seen Cuban people sing the fucking words, they don't know what those words mean. They told me. They go, let's sing.

They sing Leonard Skinner's Saturday Night Special. Don't know what those words mean they told me they go let's sing they sing limits get inside special don't know what that means don't know what Saturday night means they don't know but when it's out like energy beautiful they even did the guitars in their head let's play a little bit of them there's a guy and a girl there's two cousins well first put the VO song because god damn This is like some rage against the machine Wild and this right to you know, I got high with him. How was the lyrics? I don't understand what they're saying. But how is it great? Are they great it's just the revolution man and they sing about the revolution and being free and and then I sat with them and they

Told me how they opened up for audio slave and when they sang fucking Yes, nobody knows Yes round the bow. Nobody. I've been around the bow. I want to take you out and out. They sang that, and that's when I had to go outside and smoke pot. I was like, so you guys just live off American music and hear these fucking maggots put it down and this and this.

To them, there was everything. Aubrey was at the Black Keys. I guess he was in Austin, the Black Keys or not. And fucking, he sent me a video from his iPhone. The fucking place is huge and it's packed and people are going fucking crazy and the Black Keys are rocking out. And I thought to myself, I don't remember who it was.

I think it might've been Doug Benson that told us that he saw them at a place like in San Diego years ago. And the place was like half full. And you know why they sold out Madison Square Garden in 15 minutes? You know why? Because they're fucking badass. They're badass. They're undeniably badass.

They're badass. They can't be stopped. They're the only ones that are keeping it alive. Right. That's it. They're the music pieces right there. That is real music. There's no horse shit that are keeping it alive. That's it. They're the music pieces right there. That is real music. There's no horse shit in that music, man.

And there's a reason why they just exploded with it. All right, so here's Joey Diaz's cousin. If you want to go on YouTube, it's the letter X and then a space, Alfonso. And that's A-L-F-O-N-S-O. And this is the song called Vio. It's not P-H? It's not Alfonso the song called VO. And, uh, let's see. It's not pH. It's not Alfonso.

The pH. By the way. Yes. We're going to buy some sophisticated equipment that allows us to feed this straight through your stream. Eventually government fucking communist government. Let's police motherfuckers Translate I'm not lying if I tell you

Que no es cierto lo soñado That I'm living out my fucking dream La cultura de los pueblos The culture of the nations Se está perdiendo en todos lados It's losing in all the fucking angles No quisiera que las cosas I don't want things to get me confused I don't know what the fucking says

It's living in his past, motherfucker Oh yeah Where do you stand in your past? Where do you stand in your past? Now I've put my life... Dude, they are fucking badass. And they opened up for Audioslave. They opened up for Orzo Motley. Are they on iTunes?

They're on iTunes, I think. But the classic thing they did that fucking had me crying was when they told me that Fidel's assistant went to them and said, when we do the statue of John Lennon, because Fidel had a lot of respect for John Lennon. John Lennon was a half a copy. That guy used to beat the fuck out of Yoko and his first wife. He did? Yeah, he's a crazy motherfucker, John Lennon. You know, John Lennon was a half a copy. That guy used to beat the fuck out of Yoko and his first wife.

He did? Yeah, he's a crazy motherfucker, John Lennon. John Lennon beat the fuck out of Yoko? Yeah, John Lennon was violent and shit. He's crazy. Where'd you read this? A long time ago. A lot of people know.

Jimi Hendrix, you know, Jimi Hendrix, he used to beat up his girlfriend. Yeah, they're Lenyons. Those dudes are fucking nuts, bro. They're nuts. That was one of the things in, I guess it was Are You Experienced? One of the books where I was reading,

because I had a conversation about whether or not jimmy hendrix did heroin you know when everybody always said it was acid or was heroin you know what what was it and i've always attributed heroin to great music and some people have corrected me then i found out that jimmy hendrix had uh tested uh who had been arrested for heroin in toronto so it was like okay no he definitely did heroin but it apparently was after he had released all of his studio albums. That's when he started doing heroin. And, um, in this story where this guy was,

uh, one of his bandmates was talking, you know, describing their life. One of the things was about Jimmy beating up one of his girlfriends. And I read it and I was like, whoa, man,

that's fucked up like that. I don't want to believe that. I don't want to believe that Jimmy Hendrix was beating up his fucking girlfriend, man. You know, after the Beatles, John Lennon was fucking fucked up. I don't want to believe that. I don't want to believe that Jimi Hendrix is beating up his fucking girlfriend. You know, after the Beatles, John Lennon was fucking an animal. I mean, he was a co-writer of Fame by David Bowie, which is a banging fucking song. He was the co-writer of Benny and the Jets,

and he put Imagine Out. You know, it has all those great fucking songs on it. I mean, that Imagine Out was fucking deeper than deep. You got to be crazy fucking somewhere. I mean, the Imagine album is fucking deeper than deep. You got to be crazy fucking somewhere. I mean, the motherfucker lived at the Dakota in the middle of New York City and walked around without a bodyguard. Wow, that's incredible. Now, your cousin's sister also has her own shit.

Right, and she's another badass musician in your family. And her name is M-A-E-M-E Alfonso. A-L-F-O-N-S-O. And if you thought that shit was badass, then you have this, which is just even crazy. Her voice is amazing. Imagínate un lugar donde el aire no se tomará Tus anhelos no alcanzarán deshielo o envejecimiento So the flavor just runs in your whole entire family. That's the Valdez side. That's not the Diaz side.

Diaz is the rich from Camo Way, Cuba. They were doctors. The Valdez side is just too fucking overwhelming. You know, we sat at Cantor's and they were telling me how when they see me on the, you know, they love that Alex Jones thing. They were fucking like, they don't even know what I was saying. But they know I was going crazy. But what they told me when they watched me on stage at the improv, and it killed me. They said that you've never been around your family, but you're them.

If you went back to Cuba and got in the middle of the house and started telling stories, you'd be a Valdez. Like, they still get together. And they went and visited my sister that I'd never met. You know, when I left Cuba, I was three. I never really remembered her. And she's 10 years older than me, and they told my sister that they were going to find me when they came to the fucking States.

So they just got back to Cuba, and I just emailed them yesterday, and I'm probably going to talk to my sister for the first time next week since my mother died in 1979. That's pretty crazy. I'm talking crazy. But they're all, see, they're parents. They're my second cousins. My first cousins, their father is also a big-time Cuban musician.

He's got a house. The government gives him a house. He's got surfboards. They give him fucking food. You know, he's fat. They take good care of him, you know. But it's amazing seeing those people because I never knew what my family was about.

I had no fucking idea. And they were even like, dog, we're all musicians. How the fuck did you end up with this? How the fuck did you do this? But they all said you and your grandfather. You and your grandfather, the same motherfucker. my that's amazing you look like him your forehead your face and just your hustle the way he raised his kids i'm a valve it's so weird when you really see where you come from and as much as i thought my mother was crazy they vowed this she stabbed the dude she had an alias

and came to the states i didn't get social security alias like red band has a stage name yeah yeah man you and your stage name but she owned the bar in her alias man she owned the business under her alias sophia cecilio so when the people come and go and sophia i would go i don't know sophia my mother would call momia hit me in the head and go i'm sophia get it together. You're supposed to know that. Yeah, I didn't know that. And then I found out. And she's like, when I'm at work, I'm Sophia Cecilia.

That's really funny. But when my mother died, I couldn't collect social security because she had never worked under her real fucking name. So she worked under her alias and had all those businesses under her alias. So something always comes back to bite you. But it's really weird when you put together your fucking family tree. Did you grow up being around your mom's bar? Oh, every day that's why i don't drink yeah really yeah i don't drink because it was there for me so from the time i was from the time i was three to twelve i was at the bar every day it really is that's the way to have kids like learn alcohol just have them around

it have it around so it's not some sacred thing that they can't get a hold of what I was having when they're young the fucking shit on it okay Kathy when I was like four my mother told me a story that she was drinking Chianti and after she went went to bed I got up and drank half the bottle and she got up and called the cops I was missing they couldn't find me like where the fuck is he Coquito and she called the cops and the cops found me in the closet with puke and shit all over me so after that dog there was no drinking for my ass you know i'm saying there was just no fucking drinking i puked in a cab once when i was 14 oh it's uh my pal jimmy lawless we

went to some party we're all listening to bad company drinking jack tangles we're like 14 drinking jack tangles not having any clue as to how much I could drink, just completely experimenting. Hammered, stumbling into things, man. Boy, I was a mess back then. When I look back at it, I'm so grateful that anybody was willing to be my friend. I look back when I was young.

Do you ever do that? Look back when you were young going, God, imagine if I had to be my friend when I was 14. And then you have the reporter kid, the guy we were talking about today who has his own podcast. He's 13, and that kid's got his shit together. He's like mini little. He's a little band, you know. That's beautiful.

He's a prodigy. Yeah. What's his name? That reporter kid? That reporter kid on Twitter. Good fucking kid. Great guy. Good for him, man.

And then you open yourself up now a million dudes gonna ask you to be on their podcast hey man i did because that kid's cool bro i do if people hit me up and they're decent i'll do the podcast you know if i have time i'll try to do it in there and i try to help people out every week but like i have some people that contact me for saturdays and sundays i can't do it on saturdays and sundays bro i can do it during the fucking week you know now people hit me up you can't can't do it on Saturdays and Sundays. I can do it during the fucking week. Now people hit me up. Can you do my podcast at 9 o'clock at night?

You don't want me at your house at 9 o'clock at night. I've smoked 80 fucking joints. I'm burnt the fuck out by 9 o'clock. Catch me early. You know what I'm saying, cocksucker? When are you at your best in the day? 6 a.m. 6 a.m.? 6 a.m. is when I'm throwing heat, giggling by myself, fucking having a good time.

That's when you're tweeting all the best music. Oh, please. I get so fucking fired up in the morning still when I hit that first bong. giggling by myself fucking having when you're tweeting on all the best music oh please i get so fucking fired up in the morning still when i hit that first bomb lately i've been doing uh this in the morning just to keep it loud then this vapor fucks me up in the morning but it doesn't fuck me up in the afternoon so it's like a sativa for me i only smoke it early in the morning and then after like two i gotta go back to the fuckinguty boy. When was the last time you took a day off of weed? Do you ever do that? Two days before the surgery.

Yeah, I'll try. Oh, two days before you go to surgery. Then I went off for a week. I went off for a week in like December. Yeah, you have to. You have to. You know, there's days. Listen, every day I wake up and I'm like, today I'm not going to smoke. But I wake up and my house is like a fucking opium den.

I got bongs. I got devices. I got, you know, so you're like, I open up my drawer under the computer. I find loose joints and containers of hash, and I have so much shit at the house. So there's days, like, if I'm going to the doctor, I don't want my blood pressure high.

I won't smoke till two or three. Like, there's weeks I'll go on it just to give your blood pressure a fucking break, you know? There's days you got on the 101, and I got to get high as soon as possible. There's some days I got to get fucking high as soon as possible, bro. You driving around the 101 or something.

You get so frustrated in traffic. I've never seen anybody get more frustrated than you. No, no, no, no, no. It's not worth the aggravation of your life. Joey, this is my proposal. Let's all get a series of houses together somewhere in Colorado. Done.

Let's do it. I'll buy the property. No, you don't have to buy. I'll become the landlord. No, no, you don't have to buy. I Let's do it. I'll buy the property. No, you don't have to buy. I'll become the landlord. No, no, you don't have to buy. I'm not fucking around. I'll buy a whole block. But Mrs. Rogan is not gonna fucking go,

so I'm gonna have to deal with a reluctant witness. Listen, at the end of the day... I'm not gonna pick Mrs. Rogan. At the end of the day, she's gonna have to realize that California is not gonna get any better. It's gonna get more and more overpopulated.

One of her complaints about California. Traffic is more and more... She has none. Well, there's some complaints, for sure. First of all, when you're dealing with this amount of people, you're always going to deal with a massive amount of traffic and potential for crime. You know, just shit along those lines. You know, car accidents, drunk drivers texting, people being fast and rude. There's way more... Fast cars, man. There's way more of that in a big city than there is in small towns.

Yeah, but where you moved Mrs. Rogan before, you took her out of the loop. You took her out of civilization. You can't do that to my girl. See, that's the problem with being married. Is that if it was just up to me, I would be living like Batman. I would drive up to a fucking cave and the walls would open up and I'd go inside and I'd be somewhere. If my house would just clearly reflected my, for sure, I'd be living in the mountains. A hundred percent.

I would have some crazy ass military style Humvee that could just get through any kind of snow so I could get home no matter what. And that's what I would drive in the winter, period. And I would relish that. And I would just deal with the fact that there's going to be some times where you're stuck there's going to be some times where you get snowed in there's going to be some times where you're going to have to fucking shoot a shotgun off to get a bear off your back porch you know

as long as you know that going in as long as you know that you live like a doomsday prepper how great is that show anybody watch that show? doomsday preppers on Discovery you gotta start watching it he does not need to watch it. Yes, you do. Yes, you do.

About people that are getting ready for the apocalypse. People that are getting ready for fucking economic downfall of the country. It's for people. It's fucking crazy, Joe Rogan. They build fucking underground. I don't need to see that. You have to see it. Just to see how crazy these motherfuckers are. I've already delved into that world.

Have you really? I know people that are doing that, man. I know people that are doing that. Right here, yeah, yeah. I know people that have a house, they have a thing outside their house.

An underground rather bunker out in the desert out near Palm Springs. It's like a place where you pay and you can buy like an underground apartment

like several layers deep under the ground like floors deep. They're stocking on food. They're stocking on food. They're stocking on weapons. I don't want to live if it gets to that. This fucking guy had... If the nuclear bomb hits

and 90% of us are dead, I hope I'm in the 90%. Yeah, fucking, I want to be out there. Let's see what comes next. With my fucking luck, I'll be in the weed store when the bomb hits, and when I walk out, everybody's dead except me.

Now I'm walking around like fucking I Am Legend, like Will Smith. You know what's really fucked up that I've been trying to wrap my head around lately? I mean, it's something that I've always known. Turn that around for a second. I'm going to take walking around like fucking I Am Legend, like Will Smith. You know what's really fucked up that I've been trying to wrap my head around lately? I mean, it's something that I've always known. Turn that around for a second. I'm going to take a little smoke break. Go ahead.

What were you saying? You know something I've been thinking about lately that I've been trying to wrap my head around, but it's really hard to? You remember that Crosby, Stills, and Nash song, Woodstock? It goes, we are stars. Yeah. We are gold. We are stardust we are golden we are billion year old carbon and we've got to get ourselves back to the garden the you know i always like

would listen to that i go wow what a cool lyric we are stardust and then as i got older i actually like did a little bit of research on on the carbon-based life forms, and really the elements that are needed to create human beings actually come from stars. We really are exploded stars. How fucked is that? This is the most hilarious. I'm talking

and you hear... It's like a Cheech and Chong album. Because we're talking about stars. But a human being literally cannot exist until a star explodes. And then I believe that's probably the next cycle, that human beings make the stars explode all over again,

that we get fucking nutty like we're doing with this Japanese thing where we have these fucking huge nuclear power plants that can't be shut off, or whether it's something else that we're creating, the large hadron collider or the next level shit anti-matter experiments whatever fucking crazy thing that the half-life video game style shit that they're actually working on right now that they're not telling us about i think that's probably the reason why human beings exist i think that's what we do. We're at the end of the line before we blow the whole thing up and it starts all over again. And then it has to become stars and stars has to explode. And that has to create certain elements.

And then those elements have to combine. And they have to be water. And next thing you know, there's life. And then that life has to evolve and get more and more complex and figure more shit out until, boom, it blows things up all over again. Is that possible? It seems like it is. It seems like that really might be what it is. It sounds ridiculous, but it might be really what it is.

Stardust. You need stardust to explode to make a person. What the fuck? Sounds like a Hallmark card, doesn't it? Yes. You need a star to explode to make you. I mean, it really is impossible to wrap your head around the amount of time involved

in all that. It's impossible. It's impossible to put it into perspective where what you're saying is not just some abstract noise. You know, especially me, because of my limited amount

of education when it comes to astronomy and astrology and stars. I mean, everything I've known about it is just from watching documentaries and reading stuff from books. I've never really formally studied it in college or anything among you know the the brightest astronomers of the world or anything like that so when i talk about it it's

so abstract well you don't need to you could put two and two together and have your own a take on what really happened and we all feel something different happened we know nobody fucking actually knows nobody fucking knows nobody fucking knows they can sit here books Telescopes nobody fucking knows what happened where we here we just have ideas of what was there before they found the fucking tooth to the Fucking thing in Montana so obviously there was water in Montana three thousand years ago That's all we know we can make a hypothesis from all we know but nobody fucking knows nobody know if God created Nobody knows he's created by Adams. Nobody knows if God created it. Nobody knows if it was created by Adams. Nobody knows if a fucking star created it. Nobody knows if a bottle of alcohol came down from

the fucking stars and made it with a chicken and a fucking sprinkled things on the water. How they say in Santeria. Every fucking week is different. You know, whether it's Adams, whatever. It's very interesting and we each have our own fucking take on it. Nobody's right and nobody's fucking wrong. Right or wrong?

Nobody's right and nobody's fucking wrong. It wrong nobody's right nobody's fucking it's impossible to know i think it's really fascinating though it seems like what what human the human race is is a race that woke up in the middle of something in the middle of an adventure that's what i feel like since we all have these temporary lives but yet we're all connected to the lives and to the actions of everyone that came before us and everyone that's around us. It really is like we're waking up in the middle of a journey. Like we are, I mean, this is an analogy that I've used before, that we're on a starship and we woke up four minutes before we slam into a planet. And they're like, wait, what's going on here?

What are we doing? Where are we going? We are riding the momentum of all these people that have existed before us, but we didn't study what they studied. We didn't follow what they followed. We didn't learn what went through their mind to get to their conclusions. We're just riding on their innovation. We're riding on their experiments and the results of them and their inventions, their electricity, their cars, their airplanes. We're riding on all their shit and we're just

keeping it moving in the same direction. I got to feel like that's a natural thing. I got to feel like that's, when I look at all the other life forms on earth and everything destructive or constructive that they do from building dams to creating beehives, whatever the fuck they do it's all natural so why would we assume that what we're doing is not the same why wouldn't we assume that the reason

why we're so conflicted and weird is because that's the proper mechanism that needs to be in place for people to move forward in the direction that we're moving forward. To be constantly chasing technology without any real clear, sort of a rational approach to using our resources

and looking at the problems that we have. Because we're like a bunch of little kids that have like shit all over their house, but instead we're outside working on the garden. You know, we're planting trees, but we're not cleaning up the shit you know we're planting trees but we're not cleaning up the shit that we piled up in the middle of the living room and it keeps piling up every day to the point where we can't even live in our house anymore we're concentrating on some

shit that's not even ours do you think you could ever live you probably couldn't but maybe in your maybe say like if you didn't have kids and big families do you think you could ever live in like one of those airstream trailers by myself fuck yeah because i was recently i recently went to you know joshua tree in one of those and i was thinking like really this is all i really need and i could take my whole fucking house anywhere i want and the new ones have like nice wood floors and some of them expand out you know there's there's been um you know a lot of uh people that are moving towards minimalist houses really small houses like there's a bunch of them online that show how certain people live. It's kind of interesting.

One guy figured out a way to have this little tiny cooking area, and he pulls the bed out, and the bed comes out of the wall. He lives by himself, and he has some storage up on top, like toilet paper and things along those lines. But it's a tiny, tiny little house in a little kitchen dinette area. And the idea is that, really, why do we have to have this giant fucking footprint of house that we live in everyone because you're getting paid bitch if I want to live in a fucking cell I'll live in a fucking cell like a monkey I'm gonna live in a fold-up bed

like I'm James Bond like some fucking Puerto Rican that gets a check on the fifth go fuck your mother if you get paid you live in a fucking house I'm gonna live in a micro fucking house with a little kitchen the cook like I got a black guy banging me in the fucking ass. I don't need that you spread out even me I'm no millionaire. I got a big fucking kitchen a micro house. What do you fucking people talking about? I just snapped out of it dog. You can't take me into those deep waters like Eureka fucking kill the brother right now a fucking house with a bed upside down fuck that shit Kill the brother right now. A fucking house with a bed upside down?

Fuck that shit. To save energy? Fuck you. You get paid, you fucking live like a normal person. Go to Trump and say, hey, wig, move into a fucking thing to save energy. See if you don't bitch slap you. If you don't have a Russian bitch slapping you in the fucking mouth. What are you talking about? The fuck are these people?

Micro houses in the fucking desert. You play it out to the world, Denz, like a doctor. Like a doctor. You live your fucking life. You play it out to the world like a doctor. Like a doctor. You live your fucking life. You're right. Doomsday. I'm going to put a can of tomato soup

under my stairs to wait for the Martians to come. When it's over, it's over. You go out there with your dick out and you take your fucking chances

like a man. I'm going to live like I fucking owe $20 to a bookmaker downstairs in my house. Get the fuck out of my face. I want to live in one of those. The Airstream ones.

Brian's down. Joey's not. I think we have a real of those, the Airstream ones. Brian's down, Joey's not. I think we have a real clear line of the sand here, people. Fuck that shit. It doesn't even feel like you're in one when you're in there. It's pretty legit. Until somebody farts, and you're in for a fucking feast of air, and you're like, I paid $10,000 so I could smell your asshole. Get the fuck out of here.

Because everything's great in a small space until somebody blows a fucking fart. You ever walk into a bathroom after somebody else shit? It fucking bothers you. Even if they're your mother, you look at them like, you dirty fucking bitch. Light a candle. Something. You don't want to live nothing small. Fuck that shit, bro.

I'm never home, though. I work so much, I'm never home. You're always fucking home. I'm home to sleep. Here's a technical question. When you light a match in a bathroom after someone took a shit, does it burn up all the methane in the air? Or does just the smell of the match mask the smell of the shit?

Am I the science guy today? I don't know. You just burn a fucking candle. It just covers the smell. Is that all it is? I like good candles. So you're still smelling shit. I could be completely wrong, but that's what I always thought.

No, I get good candles, the air wick ones, and I light two of them. I light one when I go into this shit because it's fucking. But I have a bathroom and a half. See, I like how Joe Rogan lives. If you don't have a bathroom and a half, you're missing out on fucking life. That's what I'm dealing with right now. You have one big bathroom, and that's where your girl goes and puts her makeup on. And you tell the bitch, listen, you see that little corner right there?

It's a toilet and three feet of fucking area. That's my shit bathroom. Do you have that? Yeah, that's where I shit and let my balls out of the sink and i fucking pop pimples on my nutsack and i fucking whatever you're on the phone you got your jerk off material you know there's only all these things that people are successful and they miss and it's always bothered me like if i was filthy rich i wouldn't get a car i'd get a rickshaw and have motherfuckers drive me around. That's classic. Anybody can have a limo or a fucking Porsche. You get a

fucking little Chinaman driving you around? Fuck yeah! You show up in a Premier and shit with a rickshaw? You show up in a Premier with a rickshaw? You show up in a Premier with a rickshaw? Like, what, bitch? Everybody shows up with their limo. You got a little fucking guy that's sweating the death you come off. There's shit that you

need that people don't talk about. Wouldn't you feel bad for that dude? I don't. As long as he's getting paid. If you're worth billions and you tell a guy, look, tonight you're going to drive from fucking North Hollywood to San Diego. It's going to be all right. I'll tell you what.

If you were an MMA fighter, that would be a great night of conditioning. That would be a great fucking training. A great night of conditioning for your legs. You could really get some good conditioning. They still have dumb shit like that. They have people who don't. Remember that business they started in Hollywood where if you didn't want to drive drunk,

somebody would pick you up on a motor scooter. If you didn't want to drive drunk, someone would pick you up on a motor scooter? Really? They have all these little fucking... That's smart. Only in Hollywood they try shit like that. That's pretty smart.

It's amazing. And they take you home and it's cheaper than a cab? Is that how it works? Yeah, the things you miss out on. Like if I was fucking filthy rich, I'd have a big bathroom just for myself with a bidet. I'd have one of those Japanese things where the water comes out and washes your asshole for you. What would you have in your fucking bathroom? That's success.

Having shit that... Me having an iPhone, that don't do dick for me. And if you are... It doesn't turn into a machine gun. Yeah. An iPhone that turn into a machine gun. Yeah. An iPhone that turns into a machine gun. That's fucking what I want. You did this to him.

You know what happened? That we found out how much weed it takes before Joey morphs into Brian. And he picks up Brian's energy. I'm stolen for the guilt. Yeah, you're beyond. I've never heard you go that deep into the crazy bowl. Oh, please. You went to the bottom of the bowl and you were scraping the broken pieces of pasta off the bottom.

Out of my fucking tits. Of the crazy bowl. All the shit we do, we don't focus on. To me, the best part of me living is that little bathroom I have. That's my world. For eight fucking minutes. That's my world. You need to get a Japanese cleaner.

Don't be shitting in my toilet. I'm one of those guys. Don't shit in my toilet. Don't piss. I eight fucking minutes. That's my world. You need to get a Japanese cleaner. I don't like, don't be shitting in my toilet. I'm one of those guys. Don't shit in my toilet. Don't piss. I'll fucking strangle you. That's what happened with James Brown when he got arrested by the cops. Remember? He was shooting at the cops.

Why? High speed chase. They blew out his tires. Because he came out with a shotgun. Some dude was using his bathroom. He went crazy. Oh, bro. That's disrespectful.

Some dude took a shit in James Brown's bathroom. That's disrespectful. Somebody comes to your house and dumps a deuce in your bathroom and they're like, Tate, you have to shoot that motherfucker. You have to shoot Tate. You know what comes out of Tate's ass? That's tear gas. Can you imagine Tate melting your fucking toilet with that whey fucking protein ass?

That's terrible. I have one bathroom. It's right next to my bedroom. Anytime I have a new girl come over or an ex-girlfriend or a girlfriend at the time, like you're sitting there, and she's trying to cover up the sound with the water and the humming and whatever she's trying to do to make, and you just hear like a plop, and you're just like, it's the grossest thing ever. I think living with one bathroom is one of the worst things in the whole entire world.

I hate it, too. Yeah. I hate it. I fucking hate it. I want my own bathroom. Yeah, it's gross. I want my own bathroom. I want my own bathroom. I got my own shit in there. My own toilet paper. My own magazine.

That's it. I need to fucking move. I'm moving. Even when you touch a magazine, you know somebody else has been reading it with their shitty fucking hands. So I don't like that shit either. That's why I don't touch nothing. I don't like shitting at people's. I don't like shitting at airports. I had a shit bed on my flight next to you in Atlanta. I held that motherfucker in like a soldier.

You understand me? This shit, because I roll like that. Nobody would shit in a bathroom. That's no class, shitting on a fucking bathroom on an airport. You got to do what you got to do. No, I can never shit on a fucking plane. I'm not fond of keeping shit inside my body. I like to let it go.

I'm embarrassed, dog. But you know what comes out of my ass. It's impossible to wipe, or rather to flush. That's the problem. Joey will leave these landlocked shits on top. Because especially when you were even bigger, when you were bigger, you couldn't sit on a toilet normally. So you had to be like towards the end of the toilet. So he would drop the log off on dry land.

I do it on purpose. I like my balls outside. Listen, dog. Wait a minute. You like your balls outside? I like it outside because I don't like women. Your room for error is so small. I don't give a fuck.

I don't want my balls rubbing up against some of the other guy's balls and then your wife or your girlfriend has to lick it and it's everybody's balls. I don't put my balls in that toilet. I always hold my balls in my hand. I protect them in case the Nazis drop a bomb. I got my fucking nuts in my hand. But when I shit, it just goes long. I was telling Tom Segura yesterday, you ever take a shit

and you look at it and you're like, I could take it up the ass if I had to. You know what I'm saying? Look at this. I just shit a 22-inch piece of shit. What can't I put in my ass? It always dawns on you for a second. It feels good. Maybe I'm in the wrong. You're like, what the fuck just came out of my ass? Some people clearly like

things in their ass. I could make a living on YouTube. Look at what comes out of your ass sometimes. YouTube is illegal. You'd have to go to YouPorn. Dog, look at what comes out of your ass. Have you ever looked at your shit and like, you look at it for a minute, you shake your head. And then when you flush it and that shit breaks in half and the full patois your asshole, because the shit is hidden in the stick.

Once that piece of shit breaks in half, it's like one of those fucking things that when you wave when the cops come like a flare. Right. When you break that, when that water hits that shit and it breaks in half, that's when the full essence of your asshole comes out. You ever put the thing, the toilet down, then come back an hour later and pick it up? Even if the bathroom don't smell, that last patois of your asshole, those fumes and all those gases that were stuck in that fucking Milky Way piece of shit. If coming out feels good, then butt sex is 50% great. Yeah, it's probably 100% great. Fuck you.

If you can get over the fact that a guy's fucking in your ass, you probably love it. Trannies are the new blonde. You know, when you do time and you're like in county jail you got a in front of everybody yeah i'm gonna imagine and let me tell you something you the first thing they say they're like gangsters looking you go flush that dog yeah put some water in that of course but you can't even leave the in there for a minute you gotta take a and flush it because brothers will start yelling put some water in that it's funny i'll make a tweet about something that I think is crazy.

Some new scientific find. Some giant 30-foot bird that was like some dinosaur-looking thing that ran around on two legs. Didn't fly. And you'll get like a couple responses. But just last night, I tweet that my piss smells like tuna fish. Because it did, oddly. It was like tuna fish with celery. I don't know what it was.

What the fuck? I'm healthy, bitch. But it It was like tuna fish with celery. I don't know what it was. What the fuck? I'm healthy, bitch. But it smelled like a tuna fish sandwich. I got more retweets and more responses. You may have a yeast infection. Well, that would be crazy. No, it doesn't smell that much. It's a slight essence.

Your helmet should smell a little like tuna. If you're a real soldier, your helmet should smell like fucking pussy. If you rub it sometime, you ever rub your helmet in the middle of the night and sniff the helmet, and you're like, it smells like like fucking pussy. If you rub it sometime, you ever rub your helmet in the middle of the night? It smells like pussy. Sniff the helmet and you're like, it smells like rotten fucking pussy. Like all the pussy you got in the 80s and 90s, cumulolates.

Smell this right now. And cumulolates. No, I don't want that shit. One time I had some horrible farts and I was like, my farts smell like war or something like that. I put that up on Twitter. And dudes just kept, it became a hashtag. It was pound sign, my farts smell like war or something like that i put that up on twitter and dudes just kept it became a hashtag it was pound sign my fart smell like and it was the most response of anything i've ever put

up on twitter i mean it was like for hours and hours it was just i get my fart smell like in a hashtag i came up with like 10 of them people love the craziest shit that's real you know it's fucking real man we all look at that crazy but it. But it's so funny how willing we are to delve into silliness. Bro, I sit there at night with a sleep apnea mask because I'm a fat fuck. I got sleep apnea. The sleep apnea mask has a tiny, tiny, tiny little exhaust hole in the front.

Tiny. Like sometimes the cats will come in front of it so the air blows on them and they like it and stuff. My goal at night is to fart, to smell that fart come in through that tiny hole. If I could smell that fart through that tiny hole, I'd do my job. I'm a fucking soldier. I'm a fucking soldier. You understand me?

You don't know how many times I'll fart like at 2 in the morning and I'll move and I'll smell it and I'll giggle by myself. Do you take the mask off? No, because it's brutal. No, no, no. Sometimes, unless it's tremendous when you cup your ass and put it to your face, like...

That's fifth grade shit when you cup your ass. Yeah, you're a grown man. That shit never goes away, does it? No, no. The reason why people stop playing is not because playing isn't fun. It's because you got

too many fucking responsibilities. You got no time to play. That's not good. Yeah. Well, it's also because you feel like you have to because you have to be a man yeah man i'm so tired i mean i've seen so many people like i've been like one of the things that i get criticized a lot is like you dress like a high school kid you know like i got a bruce lee t-shirt on like what am i supposed to dress are

you supposed to dress what do you give a fuck how a person dresses i mean unless someone is like going way i look right today i have just a pair of shorts on, just normal. But they're G.I. Joe shorts. Yeah, they're a little. I got some camel. See that shit? It's nothing spectacular, but this is just what I wear. I mean, there's nothing outrageous about it.

It's not like I'm wearing skinny leather pants. But people are always looking to find some standard. You know, they're always looking to find something. Like, you're not supposed to act like this. You're not supposed to dress like this. You're not supposed to be like this. Why don't you grow up, Joe Diaz? What do you do?

You smoking weed every day? Yeah, that's great. What kind of a message are you sending to the kids of the world? Huh? I don't want to grow up. If this means that growing up, this goes away, I don't want to do it. Bro, I'm an only child.

I got a parade in my head. When I smoke dope, it's like getting an Indian gin. I just enhance myself. You know what I'm saying? When you ride at night, you ever get to the zone where you actually are giggling like a four-year-old? Oh, yeah, many times. That's what success is, making yourself giggle like that. As a comedian sometimes, if you can't do that.

Look, I was about to tell you something before. Brian, one of the silliest nights me and this man had, he's going to remember. He came to the comedy store at 7 o'clock. This was way before Fear Factor. We were giggling and the Italian kid went up on stage and me and you were sitting in our chairs just watching people do three minutes. And some guy came

on stage and he goes, how you doing? I'm from a big Italian family. Here's a picture of the portrait. Remember he went, do you remember that? How much you and I died. And I'm like, afterward I'm like? How much you and I died. And I'm like, afterward, I'm like, well, that wasn't funny. Yes, it fucking was. You know, it's a picture like when Italians come out of court and people take a picture.

I think like that. The hands on the face. All he said was, this is a picture of my, this is, and we were sitting back there high, you know, with your feet up, waiting, watching three minutes of everybody. And all of a sudden, this kid comes up and he goes, I'm the town. This is an impersonation of my family portrait. I haven't been. We fucking lost it.

Yeah, we were just being silly. That's, I love that shit. I love, you know, what's the Indian? Oh, my name is, you know, the old Indian from Michigan that used to be at the store. Sweetheart of a guy. Oh, God damn it. I can't remember his name.

Charlie Hill. Charlie Hill. Charlie Hill. Yes. You know, how you doing? My name is Charlie Hill. My original name was Mountain, but I got it shortened. Come on. Come on.

You know what I'm saying? That's the kind of joke that you're walking by, and you're like, what did he just say? What is that stupidity that came out of his mouth? Sounds like my life. How you doing? I'm originally. Yeah, it's everything Brian says every day. How you doing how you doing i'm originally i'm indian i'm

originally from onada new york we had to leave because we had a small real estate problem there it's so subtle it's so stupid i like that shit is onada where manhattan was is that what it is onada i think is up north if i'm correct onada is it onada new york i don't know he was part of the onada tribe i don't know if it has to do with i know there's an onida New York. I don't know if he was part of the Oneida tribe. I don't know if it has to do with that. I know there's an Oneida New York. New York is the most ridiculous example of stuffing a bunch of people into a small area. Apparently they're trying to figure out how to finance more bridges and tunnels to get people back and forth from New York to New Jersey. Governor Christie wants the New York people to pay. I don't know.

There's some discrepancy. But I was thinking about it. I'm like, what a crazy spot where there's like... How many people, how many millions live in New York people to pay. I don't know. There's some discrepancy. But I was thinking about it. I'm like, what a crazy spot where there's like, how many people, how many millions live in New York City? Look it up. Especially like the Bronx and all the boroughs. There's five boroughs. Brooklyn is the number two. Most people don't even know that.

Brooklyn is the number four largest city in the country. It was 20 years ago. The problem with Brooklyn is you have a melting pot. You asking Siri? You clever bastard. The problem with Brooklyn is it's the fourth largest city in the country, and it's a melting pot. Now, what people don't understand is that you have a city like,

you have the Bronx, Brooklyn. What's it say? 8.175 million people. Think about that. And you've got five boroughs, correct? You've got, let's name them real quick so I don't fuck up. Staten Island? Staten Island.

Long Island. Long Island? No, no, no. The Bronx, Brooklyn, Queens. Queens. Staten Island. Staten Island. New York. Long Island. Long Island? No, no, no. The Bronx, Brooklyn, Queens. Queens. Staten Island and Manhattan. Manhattan. Five barrels.

Not to mention across a bridge, you got New Jersey. Not to mention you got Long Island. And Connecticut. A lot of people are driving in every day from Connecticut. You know how many people that fucking is congested like that? How many people would drive in from Greenwich and places like that? Don't like Glenn Beck and all those guys, they drive in every day. How long does that drive? Is that an hour?

An hour drive. Back and forth. 45 minutes. A lot of them take car services to make life a lot easier, but that still creates a lot more because you're only going back to one person in the fucking car. But at least you can read and shit when you're in the car if you have a car service. It's just amazing. Still, you've in the car if you have a car service. That thing works for you from the other angle. But it's just amazing.

But still, you've got to be able to afford a car service. And how many knuckleheads do you have in those five boroughs? Car service is fucking expensive now, thinking about it. Thinking about paying for a car service every day, how many people can do that? Every fucking day, six days a week. That would be a real grind on you. After a while, you'd be like, you know, why am I paying so much money? I could go out to eat at a nice restaurant every day. But you probably don't have a car.

Right. So you're not paying insurance, which is high in that area. Why would you not have a car and live in Connecticut? That's crazy. You have to have a car. I'm just assuming. Let's say you're from a family and your wife has a car. Right.

You have one car. You sold your car. You have a car service. First off, it's a write-off into New York to back. And maybe the company you work for picks up half the tab. There's probably very few people, especially like, how about living in New York? Like trying to rock it like that where you're just not going to have a car.

If you're a young guy and you're living in New York, you're just hopping cab to cab everywhere or getting on the subway. That's one of the few cities, very few cities, where you can live with no car. I have a friend that at 48 just gave up his car. He goes, after three years, I realized, what am I doing? I'm paying this, I'm leasing. Right. Just get a rental if he wants to go somewhere. If he wants to three years, I realize what am I doing? I'm paying this. I'm leasing. Right. Just get a rental if he wants to go somewhere.

If he wants to go someplace, I just get a rental. That is smart. It just makes fucking sense. I wonder what the percentage of people in New York City that don't have cars are. I bet it's giant. Well, if you're young, let's pretend you're under 30. Your insurance starts at like $2,000 a year. Right. $2,400. $2,400 a year insurance means you're paying,400. $2,400 a year insurance

means you're paying an extra $200 a month on top of your car payment. Yeah. Which if you lease or whatever, $400, $600, you know,

gas is $4 just to have a car. And then a parking spot. It's about $1,000 fucking dollars plus, you know, people someday get, I mean, we were talking about values.

You know, you buy a car. Last night, a Cadillac dealer came to the show. Just a kid who was parents, a Cadillac dealer came to the show. Just a kid who was parents on a Cadillac dealer. And we were talking about the car you like, the $75,000 car. And he goes, what a lot of people are doing is they're buying the lease returns

because it knocks off $25,000 off the price, and you still get the same car with 5,000 miles. You're talking about that Cadillac? Yeah, the Cadillac they used to have. The CTSV. The CTS that's supposed to be a fucking animal. Oh, it's ridiculous. And now they have a place in Orange County that's fixing them. Yeah, the Cadillac they used to have. The CTSV. The CTS that's supposed to be a fucking animal. Oh, it's ridiculous. And now they have a place in Orange County that's fixing them to make them even faster.

That's great. You don't need that. Which I don't understand. Right, right, right. The CTSVs have something like 550 plus horsepower. Those are ridiculous cars. So you look at all these things as an American and eventually times are getting rough and you look at it and you go, what do I need and what can I live without?

I mean a minimalist house to enter a stream trailer. How lazy are we? I mean, all right, but look at this way They have a great train center, you know, nobody wants take that nobody wants to take it But bro, you don't have to deal with that shit You could take the train by my house Hollywood and Vine and be downtown for a late game and staples and come back for a concert It's really fun. It's not New York. It's not 20 people. I think the real issue, though, is also you're going to have to deal with all the other people that are on that train. In California, that's a goddamn mixed bag,

and we're not used to interacting with each other like we are in New York. Yeah, but it's only like, what, five minutes at a time. Five minutes. But in New York, everybody goes everywhere. If you're walking around in New York, everybody is interacting with everybody that's not happening in la one of the reasons why there's a lot of racism and a lot of weirdness in la is that we don't interact with with people of all sorts of different nationalities and all sorts of different you know uh household incomes we don't they don't like really coexist in one big melting pot the way new york is New York, like, you'll see a subways,

and there's a dude with a fucking $5,000 suit next to, like, a homeless guy. And there's a homeless guy sitting on a train. And next to the homeless guy, there's a young kid with his Walkman, and everybody's just interacting together. You know, they avoid the homeless guy if at all possible, but in L.A.,

nobody's riding anywhere with no homeless people. You know, that's not happening very often. You're not always around them. In New York, you're always around them. In New York, you're always around all sorts of young black kids, young Chinese kids. There's a bunch of different people interacting with each other. Whereas in LA, everybody's in their little box, the little metal box on little rubber tires, and it's rolling around in a little self-contained environment while they give people the finger and text each other. You know, so it's that, of person-to-person interaction is one of the

problems with the the the way people act in la the one of the the number one problems the way people act in la is that they they're not interacting with people like all kinds of different people a real melting pot they get in their own niche and they stick there and they stay and they they they surround themselves with like-minded folks like we do you know it's so weird new york scares the out of me like i always read about terror things that are lost in new york because they got to tap everybody's phone in new york everybody's phone is tapped in new york because that's the only way they're going to find out about these terror things and it's so real how is that possible though someone listening to every call well for years the stud the for years for years for years automatic things for years before 9 11 if you said certain words

something would tape like if you said bomb or eight ball right on it would be i guarantee now they have more uh you know a amazing ways to tape you but what really baffles me joe rowe and you've seen it we're going to see it next week, is what if, I mean, you have to really, what if there's a disaster in New York at 5 o'clock? Yeah, it's terrifying. It would be something that I can't even wrap my head around. You can't wrap your head around the stars

and all that shit, that's great. I couldn't wrap my head around if there's another 9-11 and it's 5 in the afternoon. I was there at 94 when the guys from Jersey City went to blow up the World Trade Center. And I know what that was like. I remember I was pissed because they knocked one of the towers down.

I couldn't get no coke. So you couldn't page nobody because they knocked the towers down. When that thing went down, there was no communication. You mean they knocked the power down. Well, they knocked the power down. They blew a bomb up, but it didn't. But I'm sorry. They had cell phone towers on top of the world trade center or something and that afternoon something happened

so all the phone systems in new york were fucked up in those days it was pages it was 94 right pages were all fucked up people weren't getting pages i drove a limo right i remember that that was the big thing but you think about what a fucking 4 30 in the afternoon something happened those people underground on the subway i think. Those people underground on the subway. I think about the people here on the subway. You know, because I take the fucking thing to Langer's. If you ever want pastrami, I'll take you to motherfucking Langer's downtown on Alvarado. That's like the worst neighborhood in the world, but it's the best pastrami sandwich you'll have in California.

I'll have the second best, thank you. And I take the fucking, and I take the. I've been to Langer's. You can't fuck with Cantor's. No, I fucks with Cantor's. I went to Cantor's last week. Cantor's has the best pastrami. Bro, the people that work, listen, the waitresses that work at Cantor's at night work at Langer's

in the daytime, and they'll tell you. So drop that shit. Drop that shit. The best pastrami is Langer's. The bread is crusty. I went to Cantor's last week, dog. The next day I shit, and it smelled so rotten. The pastrami was old and red. Well, once it comes

to your asshole, that's how it tends to look. You go to fucking Langer's at 12 o'clock and you see the motherfuckers that pull up to that takeout window. That's Jewville, dog. That's the real Jewville. We should do a wine taste test. Oh, please. I'll tell you. No, we're not doing wine. No, no. The pastrami at

Marv's in the Valley is very good, too. But the problem with Marv's in Canter is that they don't have the bread Langer's got, dog. Langer's gives you crispy. That's the same pastrami I had at my wedding. Don't tell me that. That's the first thing that fucking went. Ain't nothing but a Langer's in this town. What street is Langer's on again?

Langer's is on Alvarado and across from that park, whatever park, Merck Park or whatever. I walked in there one time. The first person that came up to me said, you want to buy a passport and ID? That's how real that area is. It's a Jew deli from 1940 that the area grew up, but it didn't, and they stayed there. I know the daughter. I know the father, and I know what they fucking served,

and I know the motherfuckers that go in there. That's the old school. Fuck Cannas. Cannas is nasty. It's filthy. Dog, I'm telling you, this is your brother. Cannas is good. It's filthy. Dog, I'm telling you this is your brother. Cannas is good years ago. Yeah. Bro, you go to Langers and you get that motherf...

This guy don't know. He eats fucking... Get a pavilion. He eats fucking pockets of pavilions. I'm so shocked at how aggressive you are. I'm from New York, dog. Listen. I'm 315 pounds and I'm from fucking motherfucking New York. Ain't nobody in this room going to tell me I'm a motherfucking pastrami. Cats is the best. Nobody. Can we agree that cats is the best in the world? Cats is very good, but I've been to other places.

Listen, the good thing about New York, cats is for tourists. Wait a minute. Let's get out of the way. Cats is good, but it's for tourists. It's like this hot dog place where all these dumb fucks come out to Cali. I used to eat at Cats when I lived in New York.

I know there, but it's for tourists, bro. It's for tourists. I know it's, I know, I know. I'll take you to a fucking, I'll take you to the Lancy Street and I'll get you pastrami that's just as good. I'm telling you this is the truth. That's a fucking tourist spot now.

I'm telling you this is your brother. I grew up in New York. You can't come. You know about Taiswando for 30 years. I grew up in New York when New York was New York. Ain't no motherfucker going to come and tell me. No motherfucker here been to Rao's. I've been to that fucking place where you walk over the bridge for a steak.

That's one of the best steak places in the country. Pastrami, this motherfucker eats Hot Pockets. He eats a scab off an Iranian's fucking head, this guy. He's trying to pull a slimmer profile. He don't know fucking food. He knows food. He don't know. I love it to death. He eats a Taco Bell. He eats an Olive Garden.

Olive Garden. You sent me to that nasty place on Lashlakashim, that pizza joint with the old spaghetti. That's terrible. The stuffed pizza is great there. Anything named Tony's needs to shut the fuck up. Rest in peace and all respects

to the one and only Greasy Tony's. Little Tony's, did you get the stuffed pizza? Why would you get the stuffed pizza when the regular pizza blows? No, because I'm telling you, thatpp, regular pizza is a completely different story. I'm from New York. There ain't no stuffed pizza. That's some of that Donald Trump.

Yeah, that's some ridiculous shit. That's ridiculous shit. I won't go to anything named Tony's out of respect for Greasy Tony. Greasy Tony's the only Tony, as far as I'm concerned. Greasy Tony's gone. Respect. I love that Greasy Tony. He died, right?

He died. Rest in peace, Greasy Tony. Greasy Tony from Tempe, Arizona. Nah, bro. People go. Via New Jersey. Ever since they've gone and done these shows on the Discovery Channel, they open you up to these restaurants.

But now the first thing when people come from Tennessee is they want to go to Katz's. So they kind of fell off a little bit. I went to Katz's two years ago. It was good, but I don't need that much meat on my fucking sandwich, guy. Oh, see. I just need a little pastrami to get my party started. I do. I make sure I eat pastrami.

Think about it. If I'm eating at Katz's, I try to do it on a squat day. I try to do squats the day I eat it. So I have a deep desire for flesh. When I do squats and your body's depleted, I just want to... Oh, that's great. That's great. I love Katz's.

You also have a deep depletion for taking this shit. Oh, I know how to handle that, Joey. It's called salads. No, I know. I know. I know. Everybody fucking knows. You got to try this kale shake that I'm doing.

I know that you don't get too much into that crazy shit, but it's easy to drink. I got the fucking book. I don't like that menu. I love Bob Dolce. I try following it. I don't like quinoa and kale. I don't like broccoli. Yeah, I don't eat that shit.

Quinoa is great. Kale does not taste good on its own if you just eat it. I like it in a salad, though. I've had it in a salad with some lemon juice on it and stuff. But the way you drink it in a shake, it tastes good because it's got a pear in it and the pear the pear keep i put garlic in it too i put four cloves of garlic raw garlic so i'm eating like all this soup it makes me feel really good i eat raw garlic every day but this kale celery raw garlic ginger raw ginger like a big hunk of it it's easy to drink and it's like super healthy and your comes out like it's on a water slide whoops i don't know that's why my comes out anyway nice

and smooth i don't i don't have no residue on my dog my i might i eat like nine apples before i go to bed i make sure before i in the morning i don't like that struggle i sit down dog at a quarter eight on that toilet, and by five, two, I'm done, wiped. There's no fucking second wipes. Because if you don't eat apples, you've got to second wipe your ass all fucking day. I've got to pull over on the fucking exit. Eat an apple. A friend of mine had a real good point. He was talking about dogs.

He goes, have you ever seen your dog take a shit? I go, yeah. He goes, how long does it take? I go, it doesn't take long at all. He goes, well, how long does it take for you to take a shit? And I'm like, a lot longer than that. He goes, yeah, that's not good. He goes, if you're healthy, you should be taking a shit just like a dog you open your

asshole most of it comes out in the first barrage and then maybe there's a couple little plop plop plops at the end where it's sticking to the walls and done i don't know you're sitting taking a shit and that shit takes three hours just put a little soap on your ass i don't understand that shit about people who take an hour and a half i've never understood no if you get the non i don't understand that shit about people who take an hour and a half. I've never understood. No, if you get the non-framers. I don't sit down until that asshole is ready to blow. Once I smell that last fucking shit fart that comes out of your belly button. That belly button? I attack the muffler.

It comes out of your fucking belly button. You sit down, and you sit that ass on one cheek, and then you do that fucking ass spread to the other, and that asshole opens up like fucking one of those porn chicks, and that shit comes out like soft serve out of your ass. That's the way it should be. I gotta find out

what the weed was that we smoked today because that shit was ridiculous. Was that shit ridiculous? Did it whack you? Uh-uh. How many hits

did you have? Like 19. How many hits did you have? Four, I think. I don't know. That weed cracked me, man. I was on delay

for the first hour we were talking. Like I was talking and I was cognizant of what me man. I I was on delay for the first hour We were talking like I was talking and I was I was cognizant of what I was saying I was like hearing it on the echoes. Whoa, we definitely went to do you know I smoked some I think you smoked I smoked some no-no PR from this new fucking place I found 15 a gram and they have the fucking weed tested at statin labs.com station. There's a weed testing lab Oh, yeah. Now, it fucking, oh, yeah. It's all over.

Edibles get tested there. That's smart. So when you sit down on the car, they'll tell you it's 21%. Yeah. This NOCCPR, I think it's 28%. It's the highest. What's Matt's? OG Kush is the highest.

31. But I haven't been down there in about three months or four months, so I don't know. Everybody changed. Did you say 34 at one point? It was 31 or 32. It was pretty. But I haven't been down there in about three months or four months, so I don't know. Everybody changed. Did you say 34 at one point? It was 31 or 32. It was pretty. I had the paperwork. He goes, I guess.

But now they had a new company that's doing this for the Valley. These guys are trying to stay decent. So when the cops come, Obama comes, they're going to try to show them what they're doing. So these guys have a card. When you go get the weed now, there's a card. It's signed with a phone number. If you want to call the labs and it has a percentage of weed, you're getting and it also has it for the edibles it seems what i'm sorry it

seems that obama's trying to do is uh they're trying to cut off the big scale operations they're just i think they're just trying to do all the people that are fucking it up and guys they ain't doing shit okay they ain't doing nothing they ain't doing nothing nothing i buy weed at the same fucking place for the last four fucking years they They ain't doing nothing. This is for the papers. I know. But the places that are selling illegal. If you go to a decent place, I've been going to the same place for two fucking years. They ain't shut nothing.

They ain't shut nothing. These are all rumors. These are all stories. This is bullshit. These are all just bad places. Yeah. This is bullshit. They're knocking down.

They ain't shut. Look it, dog. They made a fucking vase. Does this look like they're slowing this shit up, Joe Rogan? Does this look like Obama's slowing process up? He ain't doing dick, people. So stop twitting me with your dumb shit. Obama's going to close the stores in 30 days.

He ain't doing shit. Because you see Occupy LA and Occupy's failed. You fucking lock up these weed store nows and see the problem these motherfuckers are going to have downtown. This will be real. You got people. You got a half a million people with drug licenses now. Close to a million. Do you think it's slowing down when they're making a fucking pen that has hash oil in

it at 30%? Yeah. They're really shutting them down. Oh, wow. Let's panic, you stupid motherfuckers. Don't you understand that money supersizes everything? You dumb motherfuckers. No, they're going to sit there in Washington and say,

no, let those fucking hippies out there grow weed. Fuck you. They're making billions. It's keeping this state alive. It's keeping this state alive. These are a bunch of losers running this state. They ain't closing dick. So for all you idiots that twit me every time an article comes out, they're closing one store a week.

And the reason why they're closing is because they're out there basically peddling the weed and giving it away. Nobody else is going to shut down. Well, I don't think they did that at Oaksterdam. I think at Oaksterdam they're teaching people how to grow weed. That's part of the problem. Fuck Oaksterdam. There's a bunch of...

You know what happens is Oaksterdam got a bunch of white kids that got big fucking mouths. Shut your fucking mouth. That's part of the problem. You know what happens is, Oaks of Dam got a bunch of white kids that got big fucking mouths. Shut your fucking mouth. That's what the problem is. Shut your fucking mouth. Everybody wants to be a hippie and a deadhead. Shut your fucking mouth, okay? Shut your fucking mouth. Stop with the butane and everything.

This is weed. So does this look like Obama's slowing shit down? Does it? I take a cap off and fucking hit it. Does this look like it? You stupid motherfuckers. They ain't shutting shit down. Does it? I take a cap off and fucking hit it. Does this look like it? You stupid motherfuckers. They ain't shutting nothing down. It's keeping the lights on in this state.

It's not doing anything. So forget that. There's no war on drugs. The war on drugs was 30 years ago, and they're shipping in what? 19 metric tons of cocaine by the year into this country. So what war on drugs are you people talking about? I heard something very interesting last week. I listened to the Graham Hancock podcast when he was on here.

Yeah. And he talked about that. We're locking people up for raising our consciousness that the country is locking people. What's he talking about? Yeah. What's he talking about? We're locking up drug dealers. No.

Okay? I've been smoking dope for 30 fucking years I never got pop it's bullshit Joe people get caught that are you know what do they do to you especially if you're if you're using like acid or something along those lines how long do they go you in jail for I don't know a lot for acid what was the last time you read about an acid let it go though there was a big bus recently at a college where kids were selling it but they sold like a quarter million dollars worth of acid. That's who makes the acid is the college town.

If it wasn't for college kids, we wouldn't have those drugs still. It would just be blowing heroin. They're keeping it fucking alive. But you don't read about this shit. But what killed me when I was reading, he made a lot of great points. He made a lot of great points in his thing. But I was like, what is he talking about? We got to put drug dealers.

We have laws. And we have to put drug dealers, we have laws and we have to put drug dealers in jail. They put me in jail. I didn't go I get called for kidnapping but it all started by raising my consciousness. You know some consciousness you have to raise. You know I was telling these guys at the ice house last night that I did heroin three times in

2007 before I quit doing blow and I didn't do blow that whole summer and here I was thinking that the heroin cured my blow Like I was ready to call dr. Drew and go you're a dumb cunt Okay, you're over there hypnotizing white kids and I just did three seven dollar bags of heroin. I had touchy blow. I'm sorry what happened? I haven't touched. I haven't touched blow the whole summer It raised my consciousness red band to the level that I didn't snort coke. You follow me?

I mean, it was still bad. Can you imagine? You got to quit coke by doing heroin. But it raised my, anything that raises your conscience, I'll let you know something's bad. Like that whole summer, I kept going, man, thank God I did the heroin. It let me feel how bad the cocaine is. You know what I'm saying?

But Joe, I'm cured. I never did it again. So it raised my consciousness. Nobody put me in jail. I didn't understand what he was tapping at. I understand somebody does something wrong, you get caught selling drugs. But I really never met nobody who got thrown in jail because he got pulled over. So what you're saying is that he's exaggerating.

No, I didn't say anything. I didn't understand. It's the dealers, not the users. Well, name me one guy that's in jail for doing drugs. Find him online. Well, there was a kid that got arrested recently in Texas, and he had his medical marijuana on him. It was just

his, and he's going to trial right now. They're taking him to trial, and he faces a possible certain amount of years. I forget what the exact number is, but they're going to put him in jail. They want to put him in jail to make an example of the fact that you can't have medical marijuana and take it with you to Texas and think that your state's laws apply to Texas.

Yes. So I think it's a precedent-setting law. So in that kid's case, it wraps around the idea of the laws, the medical marijuana laws, and whether or not they're even legitimate. There's states that won't even consider it. They don't think it's legitimate. That's why I'll stay here for now.

Yeah, it's so archaic. It's so archaic. There's a goddamn mountain of information now. And the information can tell you that it's relatively harmless. And then you compare it to all the things that are legal. No one should ever get hassled for it. No one should ever get pulled over for it. No one should ever get arrested for it.

No one should ever get fined for it. No one should ever get pulled over for it. No one should ever get arrested for it. No one should ever get fined for it. It is relatively innocuous to our society. You know how embarrassing it is? Should children be able to use it? No, they shouldn't. But guess what? They shouldn't be able to use alcohol. They shouldn't be able to use heroin. They shouldn't be able to use any conscious altering thing before they get their fucking shit together. I agree with that. It's 2013.

And what you mean to tell me is that somebody would get arrested for smoking pot in this country They still can 2000 2012 2013. I'm fucking stoned and people are still getting arrested How sad is that it's all the problems that we really have in this country Yeah, you're gonna come and fucking handcuff me for fucking having a court around Well, look what's going on in florida I mean that thing in in Florida that we talked about

where the kid was arrested by his girlfriend. He thought he was in love with some chick. Turns out she was an undercover cop. She went to high school, 25-year-old woman, went to high school and pretended to be friends with kids. Yeah, but there's got to be a by the way there. Something's got to overturn that. A good attorney will overturn that. Oh, yeah, they're going to overturn that.

A good attorney would overturn that. But it's still the fact that this kid has to go to court and that anybody would raise resources going after a 15-year-old kid who didn't even sell her the weed. The kid didn't even sell it to her. He got it to her for free. She kept asking him about weed. He didn't even smoke weed. The kid was an honor roll student.

Let me tell you something. It's a perfect story. I've been involved in drugs for 30 fucking years at all levels. And if you can't look at somebody and put a cop uniform on them and know they're a fucking undercover cop, you shouldn't be doing drugs. Because when you smoke a joint, you should be enlightened to see this shit. I know when I smell a cop. I smell a fucking cop.

A 15-year-old kid with a boner you think should be able to tell a 25-year-old hot chick? I was around killers. Who would have imagined that it would even be something that someone would consider doing? That's why I'm not even sweating it. I would have imagined that it would even be something that someone would consider. And consider doing. That's why I'm not even sweating it. I would sue. I'd not only overturn that, but I would sue that fucking bitch

and that police department and that fucking jurisdiction for everything they got. That fucking townhouse would be called Joey Diaz fucking Memorial fucking townhouse. And with that,

ladies and gentlemen, let's pull this fucking boat into the beach and dock it. ladies and gentlemen suckers let's pull this fucking boat into the beach and dock it ladies and gentlemen once again Joey Diaz has provided

hours of free entertainment let us give him a big round of applause come see us Joey you're a goddamn classic come see us are you gonna do

the Ice House Friday no what are you doing Friday I got some fucking gig I'm gonna open up for Kool and the Gang or some shit, I guess. Where? I told you. They have that disco series, bro.

So somebody found out on Friday. How do I get there? How do people buy tickets? How do they find out about it? I have no fucking idea. What do you buy? I just got the gig two days ago. They just emailed me.

It'll be on your Twitter, right? Yeah. Mad Flavor is his Twitter. Saturday night. Saturday night, I have an Arts for Joke at the M Bar, 10 o'clock. Tickets are on brown paper, whatever the fuck it is. Brown paper tickets. Go on there.

Me and Brian are going to Columbus. Tickets are almost sold out in Columbus. Tickets are almost sold out in Pittsburgh. And we're halfway in fucking three quarters in Cleveland. May 17th, 18th, and 19th. Brown paper tickets. Joe Rogan, we're at fucking New York at the theater. It's sold out already.

It's next fucking Thursday, Friday night, 4, whatever, 5, 4. What else? When is that? How many weeks is that? Next Thursday. We leave next Thursday. Wow. Yeah, we're in the Grand Ballroom in New York City on Friday.

What street's it on? What's the address, brother? I do not know. Can you check it for your Uncle Joey? It's at the Manhattan Center, wherever the hell that is. We street's it on? What's the address, brother? I do not know. Can you check it for your Uncle Joey? It's at the Manhattan Center, wherever the hell that is. We'll find it. It's Manhattan Center and it's on

West 34th Street. Damn! This is going to be fun. And we haven't been back to New York in at least a year. And then on top of that, coming off that Atlanta trip, man, I can't wait to get out to do another show. That was fun. It's so relieving having filmed the special, getting it out there, and

having it just done. Having it off my back. Right, Joey? What are you, tweeting? I'm not doing nothing. I was listening to you. I swear to God, I don't tweet when I'm doing all these walking. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Thank all you motherfuckers for making that CD number one. It's still number two.

The only thing that's in front of us is a podcast. Today, as a matter of fact, today I got the email officially from Billboard. It's a number one comedy album on Billboard magazine. Are you serious? Go check that mother. And 31 on the whatever, Heat Seeker. We ain't fucking around, but it's thanks to all these motherfuckers that gave me a chance. iTunes guy hit me up today, and he goes, can you do me a favor?

You dropped in the states But you're on fire In Canada In the UK And they want stories So I'm going to start Putting stories up there Once a month on iTunes

Part of my stories Things from the Ice House Two dollars a piece A dollar ninety nine I've already got prison And I got the drug stories I did last night You've been number one

You were number one for weeks Two weeks How crazy did that feel What was that like It didn't feel like nothing Because I didn't expect it Joe I tell you the truth But it felt like something I mean you called me up You were number one for weeks. Two weeks. How crazy did that feel? What was that like? It didn't feel like nothing because I didn't expect it, Joe. I tell you the truth. But it felt like something. I mean, you called me up. You were so happy. What would it fucking feel like to you that when nobody's giving you

a chance and you're an underdog and you believed in me, you put me on your podcast, I did the rest of the fucking work and here we are. You know, we want to go out as Death Squad but that's not my dream. I want all of us to start headlining when we're all at a different fucking club. We're going to shut down the system. What you all of us to start headlining when we're all at a different fucking club. We're going to shut down the system.

What you did for us, me, Ari, Duncan, Brian, Freddie Lockhart, Jason Tebow, Sam Tripoli, the original Debt Squad, what you've done for us is give us the same life Rodney gave us, and look what happened. And as far as I'm alive, I'm never going to let you down. We're going to, the next year, motherfuckers, what we got coming at you, you might as well stop listening to everybody else right now.

I'm telling you. Because it's only going to get better. And I give you my word. That speech that Ben Rothwell made was one of the most, I felt fucking, because that's how I feel. I had nothing until I got these people on Twitter and Facebook. And all I dream about is to give them funny shit now. When I get up at 6 in the morning, that's all I want to do.

I don't tweet nothing unless it's fucking gold. Hey, Brian, stop doing that. And I do it for you guys. And I think Joe feels the same in Red Band. But this number one album, Joe, how long you know me? I'm not into that. I don't give a fuck about what people think. This has overwhelmed me to be a better person, bro.

Not even to be a better comic. This is teaching me to be a better person because you gave me a chance in life. When somebody gives you a chance in life, dog, it's the best feeling in the world. I don't care about the money. I don't care about CD being number one. It's just a thing that these people put me there.

I didn't put myself there, Joe. You know I didn't put, they put me there, dog. Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, what you're doing is the right thing. What you're doing is you're a Joe. You know I didn't put, they put me there, dog. Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, what you're doing is the right thing. What you're doing is you're a comic. You're a real comic. You're out there busting your ass, constantly doing shows, constantly writing, constantly having fun.

You're the life of the party, man. Never went to Montreal. No Comedy Central special. No love. Barely got a manager. Barely got an agent. I just show, and so it's all because of you guys. Because I don't give a fuck.

I've never given a fuck. Well, that's why people love it. Now, you motherfuckers, now you got problems. If you're on my Facebook and Twitter page and if you come to one of my shows, I swear to my mother's grave, you motherfuckers have created a Frankenstein. Don't come crying to me when I fucking die on a stage one night, dropping knowledge because

you motherfuckers brought it out of me. I appreciate Joe Rogan with all my heart. I mean, what you did, bro, for all these comedians, not just me, is what Rodney did. And with that special, he changed comedy forever. Well, for me, it was just a matter of, like I said, we all enhance each other. And it makes

me better to be around all you guys. It makes me better to be around... When I listen to you guys go on stage and crush, and I know I'm going later it's like it makes me feel good i'm having fun i'm being a part of a fun thing and the experience is a hundred times more fun than just doing it on your own and you don't want to be the man fuck that there's no there's no the man the man's nonsense you want to be a part of a group of brothers you know you want to be a part of a brotherhood and that brotherhood extends from the stage into the crowd and that's where it gets crazy you can't tell me that there wasn't some crazy deep connection with that crowd in atlanta because of this show what i love they

know us how about fucking wisconsin yeah everywhere we went to milwaukee louisville i went to chicago how we went to houston we didn't get out of that fort lauderdale yeah where have we gone that we've gotten somewhere After the show I'm in Chicago When we looked And there was a line Around three Fucking stairways

Yeah And I wish I was lying Count it It was this way One Two Three And it went

And I remember looking back there You know what I'm saying What's really insane Is when you go on stage To that many people And you're like Whoa This is nuts

This is a crazy number Of fucking human beings Joe Rog rogan i went on i went on i did these mad flavor worlds and i went on to twitter and facebook and i said listen i want to i got 1400 that i saved up can you guys help me out and i got 3100 sent to me on twitter and facebook my wife was like where were these bitches 10 years ago we needed the money now they're sending you 31 and i took that 4 500 and i went i bought two plane tickets and I took my friend in New York and we taped this documentary about just where I grew up, the people I was around. I've never done that for nobody. And now it's been ready since January, but I want it to be so perfect for these people that we've been making cuts and adjustments and just, just to show them, I want them to see

where I came from, whether they like it or not. And I'm going to put it up and sell it for $5 like everything else. Or everybody who donated is a fucking producer on this thing. And they all help me. Where do you think this is all going? Where are we going, Joey? We're going to get our own network on YouTube. Because when they come to offer us something from a network,

what are we going to do on a network? Take orders at this point? I'm not taking orders from nobody. The real thing to do would be to start a podcast network a real podcast network online and all of us be connected all of us be independent but all connected oh that's just the beginning i want to connect cameras all over me i want to show people i want to show people the that comes out of my ass i want to give ass. I want to give these people everything. I want to give these people everything, bro. They've been there for us.

What don't they give us at shows? It's a very unusual experience. What the fuck don't these people? They come to the shows. They buy posters. We're traveling six deep now. Now we're thinking of bringing Eddie the DJ. Can you imagine that shit, Eddie Brown?

Well, DJing gigs like fucking easy. He wants to MC. He's going to start MCing some shows. But I just want to thank everybody for finally after 20 years making me a comedian. The reason you're appreciative

is because you're thinking the right way. These motherfuckers put me on the board. They did, and you know what? We're all extremely lucky. And we're extremely lucky

that we have an audience like this. We're extremely lucky that the internet exists, that us dumb fucks can connect some wires to a box that's in a fucking cable that's in the ground, and somehow or another it gets to everybody all over the world. Who the fuck figured that out? That's amazing. We're lucky that that exists. We're lucky we know each other. We're lucky we're in this crazy business of stand-up comedy. We're lucky we can do podcasts and travel and do the

UFC, and I'm lucky, most of all, for the abundance of cool people that I have in my life. And thanks to this podcast, you all get to hang with us. You get to hang with Joey Diaz. You get to hang with Freddie Lockhart. You get to sit down and shoot the shit with Brian Callen and you get to meet the machine, Burt Kreischer.

You know, we're all in this together folks. This is a crazy ride we're all living in and we can enhance each other's experience on this crazy fucked up ride just enjoy the shit out of it listen to the the wonderful worlds of joey diaz by buying his new cd on itunes it's me or the priest is that what it is it's me you were the priest see the you or the priest they already bought it i gotta give them props for giving me a chance that's's it. So everybody that came to Atlanta, thank you very much. It couldn't have been any better.

It was literally the perfect experience. I never recorded anything that's any better. And it comes out as soon as we get around to editing it. And we have to set up the infrastructure to put it out for release. So it'll be a little bit, but I couldn't have been happier. And it's because of you guys. So thank you very much. And we'll see you next week.

Monday we got Ari Shafir. I think we might do Brian Callen sometime real soon too. He's trying to figure it out and I got some other people coming up, some special guests. Lots of cool shit. I've been in touch with the dude

from Finding Bigfoot. Bobo's going to do the podcast. The big Squatch guy? Yeah, that's right, bitches. He claims that there's fucking DNA evidence. He claims that they've apparently, that's right, bitches. He claims that there's fucking DNA evidence. He claims that apparently there's some fucking DNA from Bigfoot poop and some different stuff that they found. Jesus.

I hope he's right. It would be my dream if that show, Finding Bigfoot, actually finds out. You've got to watch that episode of South Park. Oh, is it good? Is it good? It's good. Well, all right. Ladies and gentlemen, we love you, And we'll see you very soon.

Oh, Friday, Ice House Chronicles. It will be on this Ustream page, which is ustream.tv forward slash Joe Rogan. Ustream.tv, is that what it is? Yeah. Yeah. And the Ice House Chronicles this Friday night is at Pasadena. It will sell out. It's me.

Who else is on it? You got Little Esther. Little Esther. Powerful Little Esther. Little Esther. Powerful Little Esther. Mark Ellis. And we got Andrew Dice Clay's kid. Oh, shit. Max.

Max is going to be there. Max. What does he go by? Silverstein? Yeah. Nice. And Tony Hinchcliffe. Funny fucking kid, too.

We're going to get Dice up in that. Yeah, we're going to get Dice. That kid is Dice's kid, and he's fucking doing well. He loves stand-up comedy, which I was thinking about. What else could he do, man? You're Dice's kid. He's a drummer? Yeah.

He's a badass drummer. Well, you'd have to do something. You'd have to be in a band or something. His drumming teacher is like, I forget what the guy, Vinnie Apiece. That's what his drummer is. He played for Rod Stewart. He was in the Rod Stewart band. Oh, and if you want the Eureka, go to Eno Organic in Burbank and Lancashire.

There's one there. They're going to close those bitches down. The DEA is en route. Fuck the DEA. Oh, did you really say that? Ladies and gentlemen, these are not the opinions we're acting on. I love the DEA. We need the DEA to close down meth labs.

The drugs got nothing to do with us. The DEA got nothing to do with us. We're all sick. I got anxiety. You got an asshole that hurts. And Brian's fucked up from Olive Garden. That's why we smoke medical marijuana. I love you, DEA, and I love the government.

Stay black. If the government did mushrooms, it'd all be on our side. It's that simple. We'd all be together in this fucking thing. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe I'm just talking shit. See you soon.

Bye. Flashlight is available at... A couple of sponsors, Brian. We have a new one that we were talking about today. We were talking on the phone and it'll start in June. It's a video game company. We're super excited about it because they've got some badass video games. It looks amazing.

It's pretty crazy how awesome the graphics now are on these iPads. It's really cool that you maneuver the iPad. The gyroscope can make you drive and move. We're living in the fucking future. Gyroscope. That's it.

Is it a gyroscope? No. That's a sandwich. Good night, you dirty fucking freaks. Thanks to the Fleshlight for sponsoring our podcast. And if you're thinking about doing one, didn't that girl from the Fleshlight say something crazy? The girl that used to work said something crazy about,

like, we have, like, 1 in 75 people that clicks, buys a flesh layer. We have the best click-to-buy ratio. Like, it's shocking how they said it. Yeah, they said our click-to-buy ratio is off the chain. So we appreciate the fuck out of that, ladies and gentlemen. We really do. And I knew that that was the perfect sponsor for us. I mean, it really is.

It's a really solid product, man. It's real. It's the perfect sex toy. Yeah. It really works. What are you doing? You doing gang signs? 30 seconds's a really solid product, man. It's a perfect sex toy. Yeah. It really works. What are you doing? You doing gang signs? 30 seconds.

Oh, good night, everybody. Go to JoeRogan.net. Click on the link for the flashlight. End in the code name. You save yourself 15 seconds. Thanks to Onnit.com. Go to O-N-N-I-T. Makers of AlphaBrain,

ShroomTechSport, ShroomTechImmune, all that good stuff. Go check it out. And first 30 pills, 100% money back entry. That's it. Good night.

Bye. See ya.