The Joe Rogan Experience - #211 - Ari Shaffir (Part 1)

Episode Date: May 1, 2012

Joe sits down with Ari Shaffir.

the Joe Rogan experience what did you do that time you slow it by half the crafty devil it's DJ Redman our spheres in the house. He's faded out. We've been talking for like 10, 15 minutes about how fucking awesome video games can be. And so the serious stuff starts right now? Yes. Yeah. Wow.

Sort of. They can do whatever they want, really. We should just record the commercials. Maybe. Maybe not. People like it like this. Yeah. Some people don't.

It gives people a reason to listen. Yeah. It's a conversation more than anything. know yeah i don't know i think it's more effective i've been listening to us on serious radio so much lately yeah it changes my whole look of how we i do this part of the podcast i think really it seems really legit when you're just driving around and you just flip a radio station you're like what the fuck that's me and you hear yourself yeah yeah the radio still is like wow it's still there's yeah well it's also the idea of the radio is it's people that don't necessarily want to hear you so you want to be like a little better for them you know the people that already like you like your podcast fans you already got them but if you're on serious and you know and they click on

you're stumbling through your words and sound like a retard yeah it's like what who is this yeah what the fuck the fear factor guy has a radio show he's saying i'm too much but he's saying you know every other thing you know you know i fucking hate that i say you know is that the one thing you catch by yourself damn i've been watching that lately you know when i watched uh mc chris was on podcast, very nice guy, MC Chris, and this is not a criticism of him, but it made me realize it about myself, that he says you know a lot. And I'm like, God damn, bitch, you do too. That's what I said to myself.

I'm like, you say you know all the time. Yeah, when you see it in somebody else, you can see it in yourself. It's like a trickery for um, you know? You're pretending you're saying um, but you're saying it with two words, you know? No, no, it's not you know what you're pretending you're saying um but you're saying it with two words you know that's not no no no it's not you know i went to the it's um you're saying um what do i say a lot you say you know too a lot of us do it's i think it's um i think it's one of those things that one of them one one of us starts doing then we all start doing it everyone just starts doing it

i think like maybe yes you were a big like yes you say like a lot a lot of girls say like a lot because that's my way of saying uh like here i'll give you a different um example yeah well it's good when it works over when that is what you say but if it's just like you know this like so i'm like and he's like and there's like i'm like are you serious like is this like i'm sure like whoa like you know what i mean i'm like i don't get it in our in the future somehow we're not gonna talk we're gonna have our phone talk for us you said something really interesting the other day that i've been really thinking of and it was a very valid point you were saying that that's what

autism is that's what people that are emotionless and that's what it's if eventually if we're all going to be connected digitally there really won't be a need for emotions anymore it's like that might be the next stage you know a lot of people have speculated that what some of the autism spectrum disorders are is the human body possibly making a change possibly getting ready for some new development i don't know it could be about a lot of different things i mean they say there's environmental factors like look like a lot of people say that it's toxins yeah there's been arguments about uh vaccinations all sorts of different things and but the idea is they don't know what it is or maybe it's that

it's just being diagnosed more there's arguments arguments both ways. But something's happening, and there's a lot of kids that are experiencing this sort of a disassociated behavior. And it's super unfortunate, but it might be representing, according to people way smarter than me, so I don't even know exactly what they're meaning by this. But they're saying that it might be representing a next stage and the development of human beings and that as a result of all of our like technological connection with each other and you know being able to text and send pictures and do everything sort of virtually to each other that slowly the human body is having less and less of a need of the extreme sort of emotional interaction yeah maybe that has sort of gotten us to where we are today i get addicted to to the computer and the and the uh phone yeah it's like i it takes me two hours to go just start

taking a shower because i'm like let me just just check this again, and the Facebook, and then Twitter. It's something unhealthy. There's something going on with it. There's something fascinating about it. It is just like what we were talking about earlier about video games. We were saying that video games are so stimulating, you never get tired. Is it just the light? Is that a lot of it?

Maybe it's something. The visuals, really cool graphics. It's the challenge. People do want to be challenged. It's Really cool graphics. It's the challenge. People do want to be challenged. It's like a game. It's like anything. Well, it's also replacing all those instincts that are in our DNA that sort of got us to where we are today.

I've been watching this. To sit still. What's that? To sit still and just look at things. Yeah. And move your wrist. Yeah, that's replacing going out and killing animals that's replacing fighting off the enemy that's replacing you know swimming to safety because your boat

breaks a hole in it you know what i mean i mean this is the world that we're living in there it's not filled with all these needs for violent explosions and running away from danger and all the shit that the body's programmed for so So instead, it's slowly entering some sort of a symbiotic relationship with machines. And as it enters into this relationship with machines, it becomes less and less emotional. It's less and less interactive with humans, less and less dependent on that, and perhaps one day, ultimately not dependent at all. Because one day, ultimately, if you expand on how far, how much of a connection we have with computers now

and how this didn't even exist at all just 100 years ago, no electronics, no nothing 100 years ago, think of it, it's not outside the realm of possibility to envision some sort of a permanent interaction that humans are going to have with some sort of electronic environment claws that would come out to hold your phone when you're typing on it something where you know you're much more interactive virtually than you ever are physically and that you will eventually become a part of a fucking system like you will you'll become an emotion this part integrated

yeah a board yeporg, for real. Nuts, right? Yeah. Super possible. Super possible. That sounds like a way more evolved state. Well, you've got to think. I mean, we're hanging on to these goddamn emotions, these things that make us fly planes into buildings, and these things that make us want to jack other people.

And I was reading CNN today, and that guy in, I believe it's Liberia. Charles Taylor? Yeah, he got convicted. Yeah, they were saying send a message to the other tyrants. I ain't going to send shit for a message. Yeah, how is that? By the time you're even close to getting overthrown, you've already done enough shit to get tried for. Yeah, I never even heard of this

Charles Taylor guy. He's one of the worst. He's amazing. He just didn't have a good name. That was his only problem. Isn't that amazing? Yep. He snuck through being Charles Taylor guy. Oh, he's one of the worst. He just didn't have a good name. That was his only problem. Isn't that amazing? Yep. He snuck through being Charles Taylor and just fucked that country up. Fucked up Liberia. Civil War for years.

What did he do? What was his exact crime? I don't know. Probably killing people. Probably. I don't know. Probably killing people. Maybe he jaywalked back and forth

like a billion times in a row. Was his name Charles Taylor? Uh-huh. Yeah. My friend Jesse, I have a few friends from there, from Liberia, from college. They were just saying it just ruined everything. The infrastructure was just ruined by the Civil War. The whole story of Liberia is so crazy.

We've mentioned this before, but if you haven't heard the episode, please go and check out vice guide to liberia you want to see what's up with liberia holy shit was that fascinating he went yeah he went shane went they're trying to get tourism back oh my god dude it you got to see this guy's video vice guide to liberia is one of the best pieces of online journalism I've ever seen, ever. They went into Liberia. They explained everything. They showed these brothels where it's like a dollar or something like that or 25 cents.

I mean, something ridiculous. I mean, it shows how scary it is there. They talked to that general butt-naked guy, the guy who was telling them about how they would kill the enemy's babies and eat their flesh. He's telling them this. I mean, he's talking about how we would kill the flesh and eat the flesh of the innocent child, and that would make us invincible. And he would fight naked. He called them general butt naked because he would go to war naked. He would shoot people while he was naked. Yeah, he's responsible for the deaths of thousands and thousands of people personally, Absolutely responsible.

And he became a Christian. And when he became a Christian, they forgave him. What? Yes, he's a preacher. And they forgave him for all of his murders because he found the Lord. Wow, it's the Christianity teachers, right? It's a crazy story. Watch clean if you're sorry for it.

Yeah, but I mean, the fact that he was able to kill and eat babies, and they don't even want him in jail. Yeah, he would kill and eat innocent children. Because he had a change of heart soon enough. Yeah, he found the Lord. Wow. Well, if it's just for rehab, then he's already rehabbed. Yeah, I guess he's out.

He's good. He feels bad. He feels totally bad for eating all those babies. What if he gets a big back attack or whatever? I don't think it was because he was hungry hungry he only did it because he wanted to be invincible and he to do see you to be invincible you had to do something unbelievably heinous and in times of war you had to be willing to eat you get their use or something you get like their energy i don't know well you're committing so far to terror and horror did Did he feel it? That you would probably be, I mean, the berserker mentality that they must have had to be able to do that to innocent children.

I mean, it's just to be completely inhuman like that. And then the fact that this guy, all he has to do is just learn about some old stuff and learn about Jesus and find the word of God. And everyone's like, all right, we're going to let you go, dude. I know you feel bad. You're a priest now. I mean, what are you? I mean,

that is a crazy place to live. Is it one of those priests that he can't have sex with women or he can? Oh yeah. He can fuck. Okay. Most priests are allowed, right? Uh,

yeah. It's like half and half. No, most priests aren't, I think, right? Are not allowed? Yeah. That's, I mean, that's what it is in um in catholicism it's nothing catholicism i know is the one yeah

catholicism is nothing you're not allowed to fuck anybody no no fucking done period but i think that's the only one that requires you to be completely celibate right oh yeah other ones just you have to be married. Well, monks aren't. Like, right? Buddhist monks are not supposed to fuck. That makes sense, though. They go without talking, too, right? They had this interview with the Dalai Lama recently.

Yeah. It's funny that everybody's like, listen to this dude. It was a real weird thing. It's like, you know, they asked him about women. He's like, yeah, sometimes I'm attracted to women, but then I think, oh, it's so much work and i can't do this dalai lama says that yeah yeah i love his twitter i always check out his photos yeah he's he he really is a cool guy i think really yeah that's cool i i think so he's all positive it's it's funny his uh i mean his argument about uh being in relationships he's like i can't it's all llama his uh I mean his argument about being in relationships he's like I can't see much trouble his much trouble but

he's I mean is he's right in a lot of ways so he has sex though he would go have a relationship I don't think he has ever has I think that's what's it who's it I'm where did he come from see I think I was born the Dalai Lama oh yeah he's one it's one of those things where you're sort of I think he's like a 16th or something like that it's what it is is beyond ridiculous oh it's not he's just a dude I was thinking with Gandhi is a dude that's been like Oh Gandhi's a completely different guy yes they should have met though they didn't I wish they did play some dolly llama looks like he's old enough to have known gandhi how old was gandhi there's a lot of dalai lamas

then there must have been a one when he was around i'm sure they're here when was gandhi around 40s 20s 50s 60s i mean in the 1900s i think do you see adam uh jimmy kimoko uh did the president's uh thing yeah what did he exactly say? Can you pull it up? Oh, dude, that was... Put up the part about marijuana. He did. Oh, yeah, that's so good. He started if it was okay. He started strong,

then it went a little slow for a while. And then by the time I got to the marijuana, I was like tuned out already. Oh, really? Yeah, it was like, everything was just skirting over my head. And then he ended strong. No, it was just an uncomfortable situation.

He asked like, how many people here have not smoked pot? Yeah. And, like, maybe a quarter of the crowd raised their hand. And then I think he made his point from there. Yeah, it's... Play the shit out of it. Yeah.

Beautiful. No, this is the whole thing. Yeah, I know. I can find it. Oh, I bet you can. You're a fucking animal. Watch you find it. Not only for his sense of humor,

he was the jackass. You're a fucking animal. Watch you find it. Which, um, no offense, sir, but I think you got the wrong West. I think you meant Allen. This is the boring part. I don't know any of these guys. George Clooney just hanged. Members of the media, politicians, corporate executives, advertisers, lobbyists and celebrities everything that is wrong with america is here in this room tonight unfortunately the speaker of the house john bain is on my glass i think from last year

nancy pelosi believes in lipstick the same way she believes in government too much is never enough jake tap this was so so hard that's how he was discovered some people say mitt romney won't be elected president because he's Jake Tapper. This was so, so hard. That's how he was discovered. Some people say Mitt Romney won't be elected president because he's... What are you doing, Brian? Let it play. Find this off the... Let it play a little bit. But in the end, Rick Santorum may not have won the nomination,

but he succeeded in getting his message out, not just to Americans, but to people all aflat the world Ron Paul is still in there He's still sticking with it to me where Ron Paul looks like the guy who gets unhooded at the end of every scooby-doo episode It's great to see the gingriches here tonight because I guess that means the check cleared. Oh shit. Dude, I have a question. How can you be against gay marriage when you yourself are the son of two gay parents?

The Michelin Man and the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Oh, stumble a little on marshmallow. I don't understand politicians who are against gay marriage. I don't understand anyone who's against gay marriage. I don't understand anyone who's against gay marriage. And when you really think about it, aren't all marriages kind of gay? I mean, as a man, when you get married, essentially what you're saying is, I will never touch another woman as long as I live. Now let's put jewelry on each other and dance.

Not that it's any of my business, Mr. Gingrich, but why are you waiting until Tuesday to drop out of this? Just do it now. It's time to mid or get off the pot. The election process has changed a lot over the last 10 years. As you know, the president finally gave in- This is the bad part. This is terrible.

Short changing of- But you know what's really good is there's an Olive Garden check in it. Is it one of those big boxes with all the different kinds of chips? Did you get that? No. See if we can get to the pot part put it on mute until i raise my hand super committees are to committees what super cuts is to cuts this isn't it tv in 2000 of madison let's take a quick poll he's so good man. Raise your hand if you've never smoked pot. There you go. Look at Britt Hume. He's high right now.

He's on his fourth almond macaroon. Mr. President, I hope you don't think I'm out of line here, but marijuana is something that real people care about, and the fact that you believe Speaker Boehner, when he tells you he still has control of his party, leads me to believe that you must be smoking some crazy great weed yourself. Woody Harrelson just woke up. As we know now, last year at this dinner, President Obama had his team on the way to kill Osama bin Laden.

Is that it? Yeah. He's so good at that, man. That guy is, in my opinion, I think he's the best talk show host alive. Yeah, he's so good at that man that guy is uh he's in my opinion i think he's the best talk show host alive yeah it's pretty fun he's the best at like weaving between like this sort of a subtle you know he's fucking around like way of talking yeah with like being like a very expert but a very professional expressive announcer it's like he's so good at it, man. I've gone a few times to watch.

It's funny, man. It's a warm-up, so I'll just stand on the side. I don't think he gets the credit he deserves. I think Jimmy Kimmel's the best talk show host in the country. The other ones are all done, right? Well, except Conan. The other ones are all old. I still love Letterman because to me, Letterman is just a staple.

I think it's because we grew up on him. I'll watch the one great interview that he'll do once a year. I'll watch the one great interview that he'll do once a year. I just, I've always just, the guy, he's got so much history. I mean, Letterman is so good. He's so quick. He's been around for so long. And I think Jon Stewart, too.

I don't watch him anymore. Jon Stewart is so committed to politics and that political show that I don't watch it as much maybe as I would if it was just like if Jon Stewart had his own show instead of just a daily show. But I think he's also one of the best. Magical is on there all the time now. Yeah, yeah. Magical is like one of the – what do they have him? Correspondence. Yeah.

How magical is this shit? Yeah, he is. He's such a great guy. Yeah, that guy is the best too. I think he's the best at political stuff, for sure. I think Colbert, that fucking tongue-in-cheek thing he does, it's like, how does he keep this going? That's more a character to me.

I know, but I don't understand how he keeps it going. To take the opposite approach, the opposite side, in order to mock that opposite side. He must be smart as fuck. He must be smart as fuck. Yeah, I'm sure he is. We're talking about the airplanes landing in Israel. What's that?

We're talking about his wife getting pulled over in Israel. Oh, Brian's girl. Yeah. You said wife. You scared the shit out of me. I'm like, Brian, what'd you do? I got married. Oh.

Dude, you, your girl that you were seeing went to went to israel by herself you were saying yeah she decided she wanted to just she she does that she likes to travel so she wanted to go to a yoga yoga retreat in israel which is one of these places that you go to just relax and it's kind of like a yeah but it's a place you live can live there also if you wanted to if you help out there it's like a like i guess a you relax oh yeah right what's it called rancho relax oh something like that that's my Simpsons I forget the name of it some Jewish name I'm not sure relax open that one okay what George Oh like the with the mud and not yeah a lot yeah the Dead Sea yeah what's it called the

Dead Sea no it's like some company that's there I don't know so anyway she goes see Israel crazy yoga retreat. And so because she bought her ticket last second and because she was going by herself, I guess she's not Jewish. And I guess it's at a time of war kind of. It's kind of war-y right now. Yeah, war-y. Always. So they took her luggage for like three or four days, and she had to buy all new clothes,

and they thought she got questioned up and down, and I guess they really thought that she was some kind of terrorist thing. There was a girl who was a Jewish photographer, and she was over in Israel, and she was taking pictures of artwork, like Palestinian graffiti, no, of artwork, like Palestinian graffiti. And since she had a photo of it on her laptop, the guys at the Israel, their version of TSA, they shot her laptop.

What? They shot it? They fucking shot it, and they gave it back to her. They blew a hole in her laptop. Pulled it through it. Yeah. Couldn't they just take out the hard drive and go, all right, here's your laptop back?

No. Where did they shoot it? They shot it in the back. She heard ba-bang, and then the guy comes out and gives her a laptop, and it's got a bullet hole in it. That's crazy. That's really weird. Well, I think he's trying to let her know.

I don't think he knew that she was a journalist. I think he probably thought she was someone that was seeing this, and she was taking pictures of it like she thought it was funny or cool or whatever. For whatever disrespectful reason, this chick had it on her laptop in his eyes. And he was like, oh, really? Yeah. You like looking at that? You like looking at someone talking shit about us? So he fucking.

So he just randomly looked at it, saw Palsy and Graffiti and shot it? No, he checked all her stuff. And as he's checking her laptop, he went through all of her photographs. And as he's going through her photographs, he saw this anti-Semitic graffiti that she had photographs of. So he closes it, pushes it aside, and fucking shoots it.

Wow. Yeah. Pretty intense. I just know how she travels, though. I know that she probably had at least 20 to 30 different vibrators or dildos or sex toys in there. So I wonder if they thought all that shit was some kind of weapon so I could just imagine all these Jewish guys like with these big

vibrators just like I think it's okay there's such a massive difference between Jews in America and Jews in Israel there's really it's like ever since it ik ones there too that are the same same yeah the cynics and the cynics she said she went right to the beach and Jews in America and Jews in Israel. There's really it's like this acidic ones there too that are the same She is the same. Yeah, the city's aesthetics She said she went right to the beach and it was just dirty and scary and then she went to a couple of the places That and it was just really freaky because there was people walking around with machine guns And then she said there was a lot of gay people in one of the cities because I guess that's just new thing there

Gay people go there. It's big city. that's where she landed tell of you I think so yeah the beaches are not dangerous by the way people are army people there all the time she's just it was right it's cool to get used to it takes some time to get used to how long did you live in Israel for two years two and a half years two and a half years what was it like for you it's great it's amazing it's such a beautiful country and jerusalem's all built out of stone pretty much down like old jerusalem and everywhere it's just like yeah things are great everybody sort of knows each other a little bit not like completely but they're all i mean until recently you get hitchhike everywhere really yeah in between places you just tell them you're

completely different now though though, right? Yeah, the Intifadas changed things. What is the Intifada? The uprising. The Palestinian uprising. That's what they call it, the Intifada? Yeah, that's what they call it. Wow.

What is the issue? Giving up land? What's the actual issue? The actual issue is Palestinians started, and their chief tenet was we want to drive the israelis into the sea and they're never going to give up on that that was in their books that's what they wanted drive them into the sea yeah they will never rest until all the israelis are driven into the oceans that's what they want so in the meantime you have to figure out a way to like

appease enough of them to give them the right amount of land and let the other ones not keep going to war with us with them so when you say that that's in it's in their book is that like in one of their religious books no the plo when they started that was their one of their palestinian liberation organization and that was linked to a lot of terrorist in the 1970s right wasn't it the munich uh the munich what's it called yeah the uh the killings of the at the olympic games yeah right so what's the other side say like what's their story like if you talk to sam tripoli what would he say that sam would say uh that he's armenian and quit downplaying his struggle uh for the struggle of the palestinians he goes no one ever fucking respects the armenians the turks wiped them out it was the turks the armenian

genocide i didn't even hear about it until manny gambirian i was uh doing a fight about it he it was the anniversary of the armenian genocide and so i do i'm honest i just didn't know about it i'm ignorant to it it was because only one million people died people like yeah get another word it's fucking incredible that there's been so many horrible things like that that have happened in america in the history of the world rather you know that this Armenian genocide could be something that I wasn't aware of Armenians hate Turks Yeah, hate them. Well when I was a kid there was a kid that I used to train with who was He was Turkish and they hated the Greeks

You know like Greeks and Turkish hated each other really? Yeah Wow, don't talk some no pakistan india hates each other kibbutz i always thought it was so ridiculous it was like really turks and greeks really but in there in his eyes man it was like it was like a serious conversation it was a smart smart kid yeah people get nationalistic i saw that vladi divas uh documentary about him uh and wherever he was from going to war, you know internal strife I'm new maybe Czechoslovakia or Hungary and his teammates were like all abandoned him because he wanted like unity and they wanted to break off and there's all these like

People there that like 25 26 like waving the like the break off Flags and getting really passionate. I'm like well, I've never been in this shit like that I'm just we were all just like video games or whatever else there was. I can't imagine caring about politics enough. Well, you never had to. You would if you were there. Yeah. What if the East Coast was trying to break off

and there was this nationalistic feel for the East Coast and we're different than them? Would you get caught up in it when you were little? If you lived in that environment, likely you would. I guess so. It's like being a Yankee fan. It's so easy to imitate yourkee fan it's so easy to imitate your atmosphere it's so easy to get sucked up in the wave of your atmosphere it's just so

weird when you think about how much human behavior can vary from spot to spot we have no strife in socal yeah nothing no no uh dealing with the weather that our only problems are so many of us and we need a lot of food yeah no war ever sees us weed yeah your perspective here that's why someone like paris hilton can be so offensive to people in other parts of the world someone is just shallowly trying to attract attention to herself for no for no reason at all and when when it's successful it angers you it's like why is this even projected in front of me in a time where people are just dying all over the place? Is that why you feel so angry at Paris Hilton?

Sure, that's one of the reasons. Because she's so vapid. Because the idea behind wanting to be famous only for being famous is so vapid. But there's enough other people who are into it. That's why they keep it on, like that and the Kardashians. The issue is it opened up a whole new category of human being. And that category of human being is the famous professional celebrity. For no reason celebrity.

The person who sneaks through the net and creates a whole new genre. And essentially Kim Kardashian is a reality celebrity. But she's a hugely successful media personality. And she did it from being just a person who fucked a guy in a video i mean the whole thing is really like and her dad was a lawyer yeah and not only that a famous lawyer a famous lawyer who got oj simpson off but the the whole thing behind it is that it's this this weird desire to to get attention for no reason other than that you want attention. Not offering anything.

You just want people to look at you. You're not trying to sing. You just want people to follow you around. But a lot of people want that. I know, but it's so specific. It must be so hard to arrange. You're not trying to do anything. I want to be famous.

What do you do? I don't do anything. But then people keep watching, so then you feel entitled. You're like, well, I do great stuff. Like, what? What are these great things you do? Well, she fucked on video. I mean, really, that was the catalyst.

That's what started it all off. So did Paris Hilton. They both did the same thing. They both fucked on video, and that got them in the spotlight. And now they're at the White House. But it's amazing, man. It is really an amazing trick. It's fascinating. It launched Paris Hilton from just a model to all those reality shows.

Yeah, yeah. But Kim Kardashian, as far, eclipsed Paris Hilton, which is even more fantastic. Because Paris Hilton now does interviews, and they ask her, are you worried that your popularity might be waning? And she got up and left and got pissed. Really?

Yeah, told her publicist. Because she's done nothing to deserve it, so why would it go away? Exactly. Because I've still done nothing. So how could it go away? She's not thinking nearly as clearly as you. She's thinking, why would it?

I'm still awesome. She's better than Kardashian for me. Why? She's probably a fine person. Look, I probably would like both of them. No, she is probably not a fine person. Why not? She's self-entitled.

Sure. There's no way she's probably a fine person. I bet if she was sucking your cock, I think you'd have different. I bet she'd be great at sucking dick. I bet if you were hanging out with her, and maybe she's a little crazy, and she grew up weird, but maybe she's a kind person. I would give her a chance because I'd want that blowjob.

Yeah. I think that'd be a real possibility. I wouldn't be mean right away, but there's no way she's helping your life. You wouldn't be mean right away, but you would be totally mean back. I wish she was enriching your life in any way. That's maybe like a 5% chance. Maybe get her high on mushrooms and straighten her out, dude. Maybe it's you.

Maybe it's Ari who can straighten the whole thing out. Who better than the founder of Shroomfest? That's right. Can we do a little talk at Shroomfest? Sure. We've got a date now, July 21st, 22nd, and 23rd. Yeah, and by the way, ladies and gentlemen, you don't have to go anywhere for Shroomfest.

Yeah, Shroomfest comes to you. The beautiful thing is Shroomfest is a trip. Oh, don't do it if it's illegal where you live. We're talking shiitake, guys. Oh, yeah, whatever. Yeah, don't do it if it's illegal where you live. We don't want you doing anything silly and going to jail. You know what I heard?

In Amsterdam, they made him illegal because some kids jumped out of a building or something. Yeah. That's like that Bill Hicks joke. What? Young man on acid, thought he could fly, jumped off the roof. What a tragedy, he goes Bill Hicks joke. What? Young man on acid thought he could fly. Jumped off the roof. What a tragedy. He goes,

what a tragedy. What a dick. If he thought he could fly, why didn't he start off on the ground first? Yeah, that's right. Why did they all get to the top story? He goes,

oh, we lost a moron. The world got a little lighter. That's a Hicks joke? Yeah. Oh, that's funny. Are you like a Hicks joke? See? It's one of his best.

Yeah. No, I would have to hear him say it. He also had this, you never hear a positive drug story in the news. I don't want to butcher this because I don't want to paraphrase it. But this young man on acid, and it was a beautiful, positive message that he learned from acid. He had a bunch of great drug jokes. It's just weird that he quit drugs so young and then died so young the human body is so fucking for some folks some so fragile you know i've been um reading about

these people that get these weird um like fibers growing out of their skin have you heard of this what is that shit called again i don't know it's disgusting i was introduced to it on um there was like one of those uh conspiracy theory shows like those jesse ventura conspiracy theory shows yeah and they were talking about chemtrails it was chemtrails yeah something to do with chemtrails more gelins hold on a second let me let me pull this one certain town in like california like a lot of them and then what people start growing fibers out of their skin? That sounds like such X-Files shit. It totally sounds like complete horse shit. But the pictures

are really bizarre, man. Yeah. It's, there's like actual fiber that's coming out of their skin. Like, look, Ari, can we check this out? For the audio listeners,

describe it. This is something, a fiber that they pulled out of someone's skin that had this Morgellons. Yeah, it looks like a sweater's growing inside of you. It looks like a mosquito down in that picture. Yeah, well, that picture is pretty extreme.

That thing that goes around? Yeah, I mean, what a fucking weird disease, man. And no one knows what the hell that is. I mean, these people, some of them have gloves on, and they have these fucking hairs that are growing out of all over their body. It's a relatively new problem that seems to be growing

in leaps and bounds throughout the U.S., even in other countries. Although condition more possibly dates back to the 1600s, it's only been since 2002 that it's become a modern-day concern. It probably has something to do with the internet Wow Wow Wi-Fi signals where we're growing wires yeah do you imagine if that was really what it is we're going antennas Jesus Christ no crazy that would be oh that's

the next stage of development we can't keep thinking that we're gonna stay the way we are I know but it's supposed to happen so slowly that you would never in one lifetime notice any change? How do we know that? You know, there's been a lot of discrepancies about how long it takes. There's a lot of arguments and disagreements about how long it takes for an entity to evolve. But one of the things that they know is the Congo. The Congo is kind of a crazy place where it used to be grasslands. And then a rainforest essentially

grew there really rapidly. And over a period of 2,000 years became a dense, massive rainforest where it used to be grasslands. So all these grasslands animals got trapped in the jungle and had to evolve. They had to change.

And one of them, there's an antelope thing called a duiker. And how much time was this? How much time was this? Less than 2,000 years. Okay, over 2,000. It swims underwater and eats fish. Really?

Yeah. What was it? It's in the antelope family. It's called a, I think it's called a duiker. Wow. Yeah. It actually swims underwater and fucking eats fish. It can swim underwater for 100 yards.

Whoa. How is it? What is it? Where'd that come from? I'll tell you why. They had to figure out how to survive. Yeah, somebody has to first. Like, let's say you grow a third eye, let's just say.

Somebody had to be the first person, as it slowly develops, to see through that eye. Yeah. Somebody's going to be the first guy to have that. If something like that would mutate and happen and become a successful transition, yeah, someone would have to be the first, or at least have the first or at least have the first stubs of it. Some people are born with a little stub of a tail. A pigtail. Yeah, what is that?

It's a pigtail. But how come chimps don't have tails and we're supposed to be related to chimps? Do chimps ever get, are they ever born with little tails? Most of us don't have it, though. No, very few of us have it. I wonder if it's just a normal deformity just a normal slip of it's your brother's foot can anybody move it can they have any control it yeah that would be fucked imagine if you're a person you can wag your tail actually it was a cat tail that would

you even want to take it off it's a cat tail yeah you'd probably find some weird pride out of it but it's like it's not what if you had awesome balance because of it oh you know what if you could do that flying will end his shit like no problem because you got a balance because of it? Oh. You know? What if you could do that flying Walenda shit like no problem because you've got a cat? Just because of that? You know? Cats have the most ridiculous balance, man. I've tried to push cats off of like banisters. I'm like, get off that banister, bitch.

And the cat's like, oh, not that easy. All the way off like a weeble wobble? Then right back up? Yeah, just slide sideways on a banister. Yeah. Did you see that video of the chimp versus the the cat ufc match no no it's badass google it sometime it's great it's a it's a little monkey and a cat fighting are they really fighting are they playing they're playing but the cat has some cats have really good jiu jitsu uh oh they

grabbed around cats are you know we're just comfortable with them because they're really tiny they're all feral in Israel. All cats? Yeah, they brought them in. Yeah, nobody has them as pets because they're so fucking disgusting. They brought them in to hunt the rats. And they just took over? Yeah, then they had no natural enemies.

You guys should kill them off because I bet you got toxoplasma like a motherfucker. They're all out. They're just out. They're dead by the side of the road. They're just everywhere. They're like a problem. Yeah, I don't like feral cats. They're tough mean man yeah feral cats are little monsters get away yeah they'll fuck you up dude and they'll jump at you too if you if you corner a feral cat man be fucking that thing's i've never seen one or maybe i just thought it was just a normal cat

that was just crazy well feral cats are just wild cats. It's an amazing difference, the way they behave. Like farm cats? Are you talking about farm cats? Sure, farm cats can be feral, too. Farm cats are just retarded. They're big. They get straight up on walls. They're so high.

Like, how are you going to get up there? Yeah. Feral cats are... I had a feral kitten, and they only will connect themselves to one or two people. Really? Yeah, they really yeah they really hate people i was the only person that this cat could like trust enough to pick up like the horses and i could never if he was something was wrong with him i could never bring him to the vet

he couldn't no one could take care of him but me no one could even hold him with me and i got him because a friend of mine uh she uh was living in this apartment building and her and her boyfriend found them underneath the house. They found a whole litter of kittens. And apparently the mother had died or something like that. It was a wild cat, and she gave birth. So they captured all the kittens. And then they started trying to find homes for them.

And I said, oh, that's such a crazy story. I've got to take care of them. So I took it, and I had to stay in a room with it for two days because it was so crazy and so nuts. Like to get it comfortable with me, I had to be like next to it for two days. So I just put a room in my house, my guest room. I put a litter box in there, put his cat food in there and put a couple notebooks and some books. Notebooks? So I said, yeah, so I can write shit down and then I'll do some reading and just hang out

with this fucking cat for a couple days to get her comfortable with you yeah so that's what I did for two days every time I'd go near him

he would fucking climb up the like there's like curtains climb up the curtains and go fucking crazy and I'd go calm down little buddy

calm down calm down and then I'd touch him and then he would start purring and purring like really loud he went from abject fear then he would start purring and purring, like really loud. He went from abject fear and terror to purring so loudly,

so happy that I'm actually taken care of. He didn't know what's going on. He doesn't know why this big, giant, pink thing is moving towards him. He turned it out, pretty much. Well, I had to turn him into my buddy. But I was the only one that could touch him. Everyone else would be so skittish around. And even me, if I'd come up to him, like I had to take him to the vet once

and this was a really bad time, man. It was fucking bad. This cat jacked my arm. I had to throw a towel over him and tackle him. Really? Yeah.

And he was fighting, man. He was fighting and then I brought him to the vet and I told him that, I go, listen, man, this cat is feral.

Like, don't worry, we've had 25 years here. Yeah. I gave them that cat and that's they said well you weren't kidding when you said he was fair I go yeah it's a feral cat man yeah it wasn't a cat's cry he goes that cat is the craziest cat we've ever had in here I go yeah that's a wild cat big black crazy cat you know every time my dad did in the army with the kittens what they used to make him raise oh yeah i wonder if will ferrell if you got to listen to the story they made him raise my dad was a special uh special what was it called in the army special forces yeah and uh back then and um and what they do

is they make you learn how to take care of things you know just so you can know how to like care for your other gis or whatever but uh so they you a kitten, just like they give you that egg to care for in middle school. They give you a kitten. You've got to raise it for two weeks or a month. I forget. And you've got to make sure nothing goes wrong with it. If something goes wrong with it, if it gets sick, you're in trouble. You've got to take care of it.

In addition to running all your laps and doing everything and doing all your regular chores. And at the end of the two weeks, you have to present present this healthy kitten and then once you present a healthy kitten they go okay now snap its neck and they make you snap its neck right there so they can shut you off and turn you into a machine wow after you've cared for it for two weeks kill it with your bare hands not even like give it up for adoption what the fuck fuck? What was the story in the Bible where God was telling someone to kill his son? Abraham. What was the story behind that? It was a test.

To kill Isaac. He had to kill Isaac. And it was, was it not his firstborn? Was Isaac his firstborn? And then this is when the split off happened between the arabs and the jews it was right then really yeah why because isaac's brother was technically the firstborn so he should have gotten the birthright and the jews say that he he didn't it went to isaac and then jacob okay so god said to abraham i want you to kill Isaac. Yeah, so he takes him to this mountain.

The sun. Yeah, take your son. He takes him to this mountain, puts him up on an altar. Yeah, and then he goes to raise a knife over his head. And God sent a sign. He sent a ram, which is a normal thing you sacrifice. He sent a ram right then a normal thing you sacrifice he sent a ram right then and that was a sign even though rams were indigenous to that area at the time it was definitely a sign

from god some retard god who couldn't fucking get his full words out so he just had to ram and that obviously means don't kill your son kill this ram instead and then blow the horn once or twice a year because that's so obvious that's what it means because he couldn't have just said hey don't kill your son and that's a good enough sign he had to send a ram to walk by such stupid idiot shit once you realize once you get older you were a little kid and you got sent to israel to study this 10 12 hours a day like ari did i mean you'd probably be pretty passionate about how are we supposed to take that for granted he He sent a sign. It was a ram walked by. Oh, yeah, that's a sign, obviously.

How crazy was he that he was about to kill his kid? Kill his son. Because God wanted him to. And then the issue became like, while we were still religious, the issue became like, well, why would God command that? Why would that be a test for him? Why would you do it? And you just wanted to see.

You knew he was able to. If there was a test, you're God. You knew he was going to be able to. So why wouldn't you just say, okay you're up for it you know you would know more than anybody about how much of what you read yeah you were reading the talmud how much of what you read had been translated several times how many times had it been translated before it got to when you reading in modern day hebrew how many times has it been transferred to get to that no well it Was it's it's the Torah is written exactly the same as it always was always yeah, so you read it in ancient Hebrew

Yeah, even with the same shapes of the letters Is it the Old Testament? That's different yeah And then it's Talmud is that was handed down like orally for a while And they were afraid it was gonna get lost because of some dispersion So they wrote it down the oldest versions of the bible are the ancient hebrew versions right except for the dead sea scrolls which is not technically considered the bible even though some of the stories are not 100 on those yeah so they said that the oldest versions were in

ancient hebrew that they the real problem was yeah that they when they translated it to greek and latin they said that they only knew like three quarters of the words in ancient hebrew yeah the the specific meanings to words they don't know all those because some of those words didn't make it to modern hebrew and they don't really have a good lineage to say like where was this exact word like if i said um let's just say gently or lovingly they could mean the same thing at certain times right i gently said whatever i lovingly said it's similar the same thing in certain times. Right. I gently said whatever. I lovingly said.

It's similar. But there's differences, and that's why we have two different words. When was this transition between ancient Hebrew and modern Hebrew? Probably during the dispersion. We got cast out to all different. That's when we got white Jews and black Jews after that.

The ones went to the... What year was that? I don't know. And so Israel or the jews the the modern jews they kept the certain modern version of hebrew yeah it's like 4 000 years ago probably something like that but you guys also have numbers which no they brought it back they brought it back when they brought back ancient hebrew they went well then i sort of a modern hebrew i guess but they just sort of made it when they decided like what should our language be in the like let's bring

hebrew was a dead language oh it was a dead language yeah and all those people said when was this 1948 47 holy shit yeah

Hebrew was a dead language in 1948 yeah nobody was speaking it wow that's crazy nobody was speaking it and there's some people that won't that treat it as like

holy it's a little much but they treat it as holy and they won't speak it they'll only speak Yiddish during the week and then Shabbat boom that's when you hit them with the hebrew what is yiddish what's the difference between yiddish sort of weird bastardized mixture it's

like southern talk creole it's like not quite english yeah this is a mixture of hebrew and like germanic mixed with whatever country you're from when you hear like yiddish chicks talk does it get you hard there's no such thing as yiddish chicks. No, because anyone who talks that's old. Oh, really? Old and Jewish. Nobody talks like that anymore. How much is different in that and modern Hebrew? Yiddish?

It's mostly German. So do most kids understand it? Like Israeli kids? I think more German kids get it better. Really? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. understand it like israeli kids i think more german kids would better get it better really yeah wow yeah god it's so incredible when you stop and think about how many different languages there are oh yeah they all develop somewhat similarly and how long was it before they actually started

writing down how long did they have language before they actually wrote things down yeah because i've read a while before they put put signs to it probably tens of thousands that they didn't happen the other way yeah i don't know how long the the you know the first written language was but i don't i don't believe it was more than 10 000 years ago yeah which is really like nothing yeah it's kind of crazy it kind of hurts your head when you stop and think about it that's as long as we've been able to communicate without being there stopping trying to put your head around that. This is what I would always use as an example if I was in a crowd. Say if I was doing a comedy show and there was 100 people in the audience.

I would say, what you guys represent, if you lived your lives, birth to death, just this little room, a little tiny group of people, of 100 people, but what you represent in terms of potential life. One person lived this whole life, the next person was born. if they live their own their lives birth to death to the max which is like a hundred years which is the most anybody ever lives they represent 10 000 years yeah and that's as long as that's incredible that's as long as we know about human beings wow but like 4 000 years ago when we got the bible that's right right yeah a hundred people that's when not everyone's like better we lived a. That's right, right? 100 people. That's when not everyone was better.

And they lived 100 years. Isn't that 10,000? 100 people living 100 years? Yeah, 100 people living 10 is 1,000. 10,000. That's incredible, man. Stop and think about that. 10,000 years ago. And it's just a little tiny room full of people living their last birth to death represents

the distance between us of today and nothing written i have three math jokes yours is way better than all three of those three what jokes math jokes math i call them math jokes where there's numbers involved so they actually have to think before they laugh that's not really a math joke but it's a what the fuck thinking thing that's like you want to check his math it takes you a second yeah I've been really getting into Game of Thrones. Really? It's good?

It's amazing. It's the best show I've ever watched. I watched the whole first, but it's like, I love that kind of shit. I love that Conan the Barbarian type, swords and sorcery type shit. I love that stuff.

I love it. So I'm enjoying the fuck out of it. But it's making me think, I mean, although obviously this is a work of, you know, know fantasy fiction it makes me think of what it must have been like you know if you had to live like these people lived you know with swords on horses i mean there was a time where people actually lived like that that is how they hunted they used bows and arrows they did live in these houses they did have armies, and they did have moats. I mean, these are all realistic depictions of a certain time.

Take away the sorcery and all the other crazy stuff. There was people that, just a few thousand years ago, lived like that. It's hard to wrap your head around how short of a distance it is between that time when people lived like in the robin hood days and today it's like nothing you know it'd be cool though it would still be cool having like hey i got these new silver horseshoes have you seen these things silver different colors you know like where even though you live back in those days people were still making new things up and like but the things were like different they'd make up a new thing every 140 years than one new thing would come.

Yeah, I'm sure there was little things here and there though just like everything. Yeah, I'm sure there was a few interventions. It was so lame. Like when they got

Chinese finger traps they were blown away by that. It was a party favor. I bet the blacksmith back then was like the apple. Like he would come in and be like, look at this thing I made.

This is a new nail. They were artisans. That's something that's really getting lost. You know, we talked about that when Aubrey was on here last. We talked about that Musashi documentary. What about things getting lost? No, it was they showed how they used to make samurai swords.

And there's a few people alive that still make them that way today. Yeah. It's crazy. I mean, you have to be the ultimate craftsman. I mean, if you and I were left left alone to figure it out on our own for a million years, we'd never figure out how to make a fucking samurai sword. The way they do it is so incredible. They hammer it down, then they fold it over, and then they hammer it down.

They keep flattening it and hammering it and flattening it and hammering it until it becomes this intense steel that you can just fucking slice through bamboo. I mean, it's really amazing watching the artisan work, the craftsmanship, and the knowledge passed down through generations and generations of how to make a sword. You know, when you stop and think about it, it's like, how many people are out there in the world today that know how to make anything even remotely like that everything we're buying that's manufactured is manufactured in some

sort of a factory and if you're going to buy a sword this is a big machine that's going to cut it and make it with a computer and a laser and shit there's not going to be some japanese dude in flip-flops with wooden bottom shoes fucking it's wild to watch man it's why it's wild to watch what people used to have to do to make something you know it's it really it really makes you appreciate like how ridiculously easy easy everything is now people like i like the better the other way i'm like why these things are sometimes a lot better like you just melt rocks right or something like that yeah you have to have to have. It's a miner. It's in the rocks.

To make steel, you have to add things to it, too. It's not just iron. No, to make steel, I think you have to. We should actually look that up. Back in the Disney, what did they do? Just took some rocks and got them fired? Well, they had to heat things up. They had to mine them up.

They had to mine the metal. There's big ore. They had to heat it up. There's big pockets of to mine the metal. There's big ore. Okay, they have to... There's pockets of metal in the ground. They have to add stuff to the steel. They have to add stuff to iron. It's combined.

It's an alloy, technically, it says, according to Wikipedia. Made by combining iron and another element, usually carbon. And when carbon is used, it's content in the ste is between 0.2% and 2.1% by weight dependent upon the grade. Who figured that out? I don't know. I don't know. That was given to us by the aliens.

So I guess they had to add shit. Someone was like, I wish it was harder. Someone else was like, why don't you add carbon? And the first guy was like, what are you talking about? I mean, that's been around

for a long ass time too. So who was the first person that somebody told somebody? That doesn't seem like that makes sense. That's alien technology. You know what the craziest shit in the world is what steel cable who would have ever found some? metal in the ground and thought for a second that Someone is gonna take this shit and have so much of it that they're gonna have a fucking

5,000 foot long cable made a steel and they're going to use that to suspend giant beams that weigh several hundred tons over an ocean yeah did you look at like steel cable steel cable is crazy someone figured out how to take metal pull it out of the ground and stretch that shit it's hard it's hard how the fuck are you how is it moving around how are you making cables out of the ground and stretch that shit. It's hard. It's hard. How the fuck are you? How is it moving around? How are you making cables out of this? What did you do?

They figured out how to not just make it, but make it so it's big enough to pull boats. You can have giant, huge ones that are wider around than your body is. And that's a cable. We just said take it for granted. Well, I'm going gonna just get a cable and put a winch on the front of my jeep in case i get stuck out there while i'm four wheeling you know people they have winches and shit so they can pull cars out they like to be the cool guy i can pull you out of the ditch yeah is that steel cable you're driving in the mud yeah that's fucking

steel cable that winch is steel cable man you get caught up in that she's gonna snap your arm off oh my god yeah it'll rip your body apart cable, they can pick up trees with that shit. You can put a winch on. It depends on the power of the winch. But if it's a good winch, you can pull hundreds of pounds. That's why black guys like it so much. I always hear them taking it from buildings. Stealing cables?

Oh, yeah, that's the little cable, stealing. You silly bitch. No, steel cable, like you don't pay for it, Brian. Oh. Not like steel cables. Think about the first guy who invented wires. Who figured out how to stretch out some metal so far? Think about the real heroes.

Like, the first guy to actually steal cable. Like, somebody fucking figure that out and then share that information with people. I remember I used to have that. Everybody did. Who figured that out, though? There was a guy that lived in the neighborhood that would leave up a thing when satellite dishes first came out. He would leave up, like, on telephone poles.

This is how gangster it was in 1993. He'd leave up a phone number, and it would say, you know, fix your satellite box to catch any channel. And so you would give this guy your card, and then he would come back and bring the card back to you, and it was doctored. And the card could get everything. It got every pay-per-view movie, every porn,

everything that happened it would get, but it would never work. Really? It would work for like a day. I know those things work where they would send a signal to fuck it up. Yeah, they crush it. And then it just got to a silly point where I think me and my roommate were like,

why are we doing this? Let's just pay for this fucking thing. We didn't want this stuff. So we can actually have a TV on. This is so stupid. I saw at the barbershop in Atlanta, the guys had hacked their Mac Apple TV, Atlanta the the guys had hacked their Mac Apple TV and it had like every single channel HBO every movie that was in theaters it was just really just like watch now watch now and it was set up so cool like I forgot all about it but

whatever it is you can live off of the just that like it had streaming channels had you stream channel it had it had everything you could possibly want. New movies in theaters. It was weird. Oh, I got a disturbing story for you. Uh-oh. Remember when we went to Vancouver? Yes.

And we went to visit that pot shop? Yes. But they couldn't sell it to us because we were out of state. But somebody hooked us up anyway. He got fired for that. For hooking us up? Yeah. Oh, man. That guy got fired because he shouldn't have hooked us up anyway he got fired for that for hooking us up yeah oh man i got fired for it because he shouldn't have hooked us up really yeah it's so bad right it was like he was

like no i can't help but then he went outside and just gave us some yeah he couldn't sell us any so he gave us some and you gave him tickets to the ufc after that yeah what the fuck that guy got fired i was like oh this is the right way to handle it. Probably bragged too much about the tickets for the UFC. That's the problem. I don't know. That sucks, though. Sorry to hear about that, buddy. I was like, aw.

I was like, that's really, really bad for you. Someday it's going to be easy to go anywhere and be able to buy weed just like you can go anywhere and buy a beer. How it should be. You should be a fucking taxpaying grown adult who walks in there and acts like a gentleman and picks up whatever the fuck you need. Whether you would like to buy a bottle of wine to go with dinner. Yeah. Or whether you'd like to get an eighth of weed because you and your check are going to watch movies and fuck.

How about that? Is that okay? Am I allowed to do that? You fucking controlling douchebags. Should be a behind-the-counter purchase. Jesus. You have to go there with the key. Yeah, it should be super easy.

Here's your ID. Can I see your ID? Okay, you're 21. Here's your weed, Can I see your ID? Okay, you're 21. Here's your weed, Mr. Shafir. Take it easy. 21. Nonsense. Silly bitch.

No. No? No, not for weed. It has to be 21? No, I don't think it should be four. Yeah. We should be able to get them high really young. I took half an Adderall today.

This is like the second time I've ever done Adderall before. First of all, okay. This is the first time that I feel like it's like a sativa. I think if you are a fan of Adderall, if you got a really good sativa, it would be pretty similar. Wow, really? I think so.

No, it makes your body all jacked up and moving. It's similar in some way. But here's the deal, Brian. When you say half an Adderall, you have to understand there are different values for different pills. Half of a five milligram Adderall, you have to understand there are different values for different pills. Half of a 5-milligram Adderall is far different than the 40 that you might have split in half. By the way, powerful Ari Shafir t-shirts.

Yeah, these are awesome. Watching on the stream. You guys didn't have to wear them while I was here. They're cool. I like his tongue. Look at his tongue. It's got some stuff on it. Where can anybody buy these, dude?

These are actually really cool. I'm going to have them online in like a week or two, but right now at my live dates. Nice. I love it, Ari. Pester Ari on Twitter, A-R-I-S-H-A-F-F-I-R, to make sure that he comes strong and correct with the T-shirts. He's got LSD and ecstasy on his tongue, and there's the pink elephants on parade from the film.

It's actually a shirt I would wear a lot. There's a hot bitch on your head. I like it. Hot nigga black chick with a mushroom leaf right next to her it there's only one place i can't wear this shirt though like it kind of be clubbed to be kind of weird just wear it don't be scared i'll wear it i'll wear this on stage if i'd know if i knew that you had this i would have wore this for my special yeah really yeah that'd be a cool shirt i would have totally wore this for my special how about this i'll wear this for my next special right now they'll be gone is

this a 2012 shirt I want to have a different wear this next year oh yeah my goal now I'm gonna do it you're gonna try to do after doing Atlanta is to try to do another one in a year yeah let's talk about that let's hear some new jokes of yours like some notes of yours right now I can't tell you here's to see it like here's the thing that helped me. Here's the thing that really helped me. When you're thinking in terms of this, when Tom Segura asked Bill Burr about it,

and he broke it down to what an hour is, and he goes, that's five minutes a month. So if you get pretty much any new month that you're like, am I five minutes ahead of where I was, and just time it that way, you just keep a pace for yourself. You're either ahead of pace or behind pace. I had five new minutes the first time on stage because there was a bunch of shit that i'd written that i the last couple of months i hadn't committed

to any new stuff i was just trying to just completely tighten the old stuff except this circumcision bit that just came out of nowhere i couldn't stop it i had to put it on and it just fit in with all this other shit i had to but other than that all my writing that i had from all that time is all bankrolled So I have I just have to go over the writing, you know the fucking Nuttiness I just have to go over the night, you know, see them. Yeah, because you're like I got stuff right now exactly So since I did still keep writing there's a lot of ideas I just have to sort of set them out, but this will make yourself go through them. Did you end up doing the baby B? No, no, I didn't do that one. that's two specials that joke that's gonna be like

no no no no i had a thought i had a thought here's what you do what youtube video just release that youtube video i should get it out there on your own youtube account yeah hire some actors i mean that bit is right that bit is three or four years old and so ready to go and be done have don barris be the baby. I'm so immature with my sense of humor that I have so many jokes about someone getting blown. Just use that to promote the special when you have it. Here's one free. The next time you go to a big club, just tape it, Brian.

Fucking tape it from the back. Maybe. From behind you. Get a close-up of him and get a faraway shot of him and cut those together. I'll go behind you. Whoa. No, not behind. Why are you nodding so enthusiastically? Adderall.

But it was the Atlanta thing. It went great, right? Couldn't have gone any better, man. These crowds are completely different crowds. Yeah. The crowds that we're getting now are 100% podcast fans. And it's like hanging out and doing a show in front of our friends. It's like a bunch of friends that we don't know that well.

And the other people who come just to come for shows, they're like, oh, this is a really fun thing. Dude, they're so overwhelmingly nice. It's crazy. I don't know how we did it. I don't know what exactly the combination was to create that. But that's very unusual. It's very unusual when you talk to people that work at clubs

and people that work at theaters. They go, your crowd is the nicest crowd we've ever seen ever. Oh, yeah, they're pretty cool. No one's even close. They're good tippers. They're generous, and they were fucking so pumped for the show, dude. It was nuts. I was so comfortable.

It was the only time I've ever done a special where I didn't feel at all like, oh, shit, I'm filming right now. Really? I was completely in the groove. I had done so much stand-up leading up to that too so yeah i did all my work and then on top of that the crowd was amazing but now it's that the big challenge is to now to create a whole new hour yeah so i have to really sit down and i have all these scattered notes i'm gonna have to do some organizing ice house ice house yeah we're gonna do some ice house shows this is what louis. Can we do Wednesday?

See if we can do Wednesday. Do you think we can? Probably not. Probably not. If we can, let's do it. This is what Louis said too. After you do the first year, when you start the same process again the next year and it seems as daunting as it does right now, you'll be like, oh no, I know this leads to a new hour of material.

Yeah. So it's okay. I can do this. It's like bench pressing to get bigger. Well, I know that writing to me is just like it's like doing uh rounds on the bag or doing minutes on an elliptical machine you build endurance yeah you build like a groove and right now you know i'm in good writing shape you know i feel like when i when i write a lot i get in good way yeah it's a muscle yeah and i i can i think it comes it comes out better the more you use it. It comes out.

Your editing skills on the fly get better. You're better at writing now than you were five years ago, ten years ago. No doubt. You've been doing a lot longer. I'm so happy. I always wondered what would happen as I got older, if my stand-up would start to suck one day. I always worried about that.

I always worried about hitting a peak and then not being good anymore. It seems like there's a plateau you can get. It's kind of like pool where you can play later, do stand-up later into your years. It's not like a 40-year-old retirement moment. Well, I think it has to do with your physical health, too. If you get depressed and you feel like shit, I bet your comedy is going to start to not be as fun and not be as good.

I think part of the commitment to your craft. Stan hopes us all the time. Well, he's a different kind of stand-up. Stan's comedy almost depends on him being miserable. of the the commitment all the time well he's a different kind of stand-up you know stand-ups comedy almost depends on him being miserable yeah i think every like almost every comic i know it seems like they're depressed and miserable there are a lot that are they don't have to be it's not necessary but that can fuel you you know it can fuel you to go up there and get that charge where i know in times in my life where i wasn't happy i would go on stage and kill i'd at least feel like

i could do something rage against something yeah and'd at least feel like I could do something rage you get something yeah at least feel like I'm capable of something like if I could go on stage you know if I'm feeling like a loser I'm feeling depressed I go on stage to get a bunch of people to laugh I'll just like okay I'm not bad at this I did a good job with this I yeah I can feel a little better now yeah exactly little pick me a short term so they all give you a standing ovation before you even went on stage I was nuts it was couldn't have been better and saying couldn't not have been better and there was a lot of traffic because there was some crazy basketball games going on at the same time and yeah we we got

stuck like there was it was really hard for everybody to get there so the show didn't even start for like a half an hour late so like everybody was building up so when the lights went off and when you know i came on the microphone to introduce joey they went fucking crazy and it was so funny because um my manager and uh you know chandra and jeff they're they're the best like i've been with jeff since i was an open mic essentially like he came and found me in boston where i was a scrub and i think that one of the main reasons why i've been successful is that i don't have to think about the business stuff i just let him think about oh yeah and i just do do my comedy i i don't have to worry about it because because he's the best but they were like let's uh have

you introduced off stage like just say your name clean and you come out alone i'm like no joey's gotta bring me up plus your fans will want to see that too that five seconds Joey has to bring me up that's voodoo we're not gonna do that I appreciate your input but they were like well let's just try it once I'm like no Joey's gotta bring me up it doesn't have to make sense

it's just Joey's brought he's brought me up in every special for the past 8-9 years so he couldn't do it in canada right yeah duncan and i tried to do a chant at the beginning of one of the specials but it didn't work at all it's so hilarious yeah everyone's like sitting like what are they doing we were way too baked before we came up with that idea we thought we'd get the whole crowd to own Malone. And we got like maybe 30 people. And then everyone's like, what's happening?

What are you doing? They're waiting for the punchline that never was. That shit is such a trip. The second show, Joe turned to me and goes, do you want to go up and do five minutes? And we just got done smoking a joint. And I was stoned out of my mind. I got to go up.

And it was pretty cool. But it was so hard to judge that many people like you said 30 people was doing it and it seemed like 30 out of a million I don't want to say you're material dude but that one joke you have is fucking funny he's got one joke

I just I can't say anything it'll give away a bit it's one joke that's one of them where I go damn I wish I thought that one up you know when you hear somebody say something it's just like it fires over the door it's such a fun one to play with yeah so much to do to watch over a thousand people laugh at that was really fun it's it's fun to watch someone go up that's never been in front of that that big of a crowd but they all were really friendly like when you went on stage they gave you a huge round of applause i know you probably so that had to made you feel like you know they weren't they were they're happy to see

you yeah it's gonna be so much better yeah feeling it is so much better the feeling you get when you're like oh cool you guys already know me nobody takes more internet shit than brian nobody takes more there's you have more haters and more irrational angry people you love it though right a certain part of you no no no it's I hate it. It's not comfortable. And then there's always some weird sort of analysis of Brian and I's relationship. Look, Brian and I are very

different, but obviously we like each other. I've never had a job for more than 10 years. That's a long time. We're working together. But we like each other i mean we like each other a lot i mean i would say love but it sounds gay because he's right next to me but of course i love him stop playing but we the the reason why we've been we keep doing this is

because it works well don't you see yeah he says ridiculous shit yeah he thinks it but you say also some things that i don't think of you know you're you come at things from a weird perspective sometimes you know but for whatever reason people people get angry at shit that it's all you have to do is say one thing you'll interject one thing and it'll derail a conversation and sometimes it works and sometimes you derail something and it becomes really funny and sometimes it doesn't i mean who knows you never know until you try that's what people don't understand that they're listening but they'll get so fucking angry at you and you're like dude get up and go out there's a conversation going on somewhere and you're listening in that's it yeah that's all that's happening here there's no reason

to get fucking spastic angry fucking violent mad like relax that's just internet angry this motherfucker if he interrupts one more time i'm gonna kick him in his cunt that's the only way to express like that's all they're trying to express that's the only way they can do that online all they feel is they have to say that i'm gonna kill you i appreciate criticism i really do and it sounds like i don't because i i just get mad and block people when they say cunty things on twitter or whatever just but i'm not gonna argue with you man if you can't communicate with me like a normal human being if you can't communicate with me like you would if you just i don't care who i ever met if if i if i had to have a conversation with adolf

hitler okay if i had to go back in time and have a conversation with adolf hitler i wouldn't start calling him a cunt and say crazy stupid shit to him even though i know he's a piece of shit that's not gonna get anything so where's that gonna help you it's not gonna help me at all i already know what he is i want to base all of my interactions with someone and how they interact with me not how i want to know about their past i want to you know i want to know you're dealing with a criminal or whatever the fuck you're dealing with but you should be as courteous as possible to someone heffron always gets upset when people like write in shitty things i'm like heffron why do you care that's just some shitty person who cares that's just a screaming baby he gets he gets what are you

worried about yeah i see people go back and forth and fight with people on twitter i'm like whoa really yeah someone's like fuck you you fucking cunt you're like oh dana white goes wow dana white has like multiple day really you can't do that there's no point what do you like what are you gonna prove to them that they're wrong has it ever happened in the history of twitter did you prove to someone that they're wrong dana actually enjoys it though really does he's from boston he still likes to fight he still needs it he enjoys it he's good at it he goes to their fucking pictures and makes fun of them specific information looks at their pictures and yeah it's it's funny man it's funny he to their fucking pictures and makes fun of them. Specific information. Looks at their pictures.

Yeah, it's funny, man. It's funny. He gets into it. But he does it all with a big smile on his face. I watch him do it. You know, he's not like me. Obviously, Dana White is successful as fuck. He's not really worried about what some twatty 15-year-old kid from the middle of nowhere on Twitter is saying about him.

I like that word, twatty. But he thinks it's fun. Twatty is a good word. Twatty. It's a sweet word. And by the way, the people that came to Joe's show, I want you to come to my show

May 12th. Where's your show? Denver. I'm sorry, Denver. Yeah, the Comedy Works. Oh, well, that's a totally different place in the world. Well, the fans.

I mean, your fans. Your fans. Your people came. That's a shitty segue right there, son. You should have rethought that. I realized we just jumped off the subject, and I was like, oh, as we're talking about the special,

I'll say that. Do you think Will Ferrell, when he brings his cats to like a shelter that that they he has had many times like they'd actually accidentally killed a cat and what will ferrell brings his cats to shelters like like if he goes out of town and he takes he brings his cat to a show i mean like if he did do you think he would constantly have dead cats why why because i'd be like Farrell, you know You know his last name would mix things up some paperwork or so you fucking I Just get done defending you and you come with that

So you should write down then read it later and work on the wording I'm incredibly disappointed that in on purpose just because of Ari's throwing I'm incredibly disappointed with you brian set you up nice for the rest of the show you could have walked away a hero but no no this guy's right now this motherfucker i swear if i find you red band i'm gonna spit right in your fucking stupid t-shirt fuck you man you ruined my fucking show man i fell off the elliptical we got really high this time yeah we got way too high and this adderall hot thing is totally different yeah you're you're on a different ice coffee on top of that son i don't think you're why are you doing those things adderall with caffeine like that losing weight no it's a weight loss thing is

that what you're doing it for no i'm just trying to be focused right now. Oh. Yeah, you're so busy, man. Shipping stickers right now is at a third full time job. Let me see that pill. I want to see if that's a 40 milligram or not. That is the craziest. You know, by the way, guys, maybe you shouldn't be passing this shit around in front of a camera. Hey, remember what our friend at Ustream told us?

We'll show you after this. I got a prescription for it. It's just a baggie. All right. Dude, it could be implied It's made by pharmaceutical companies And it makes people happy I know somebody who has a full time prescription

He takes it every day People who have severe ADD They take it to calm them down I don't feel calmed You're getting a totally different reaction That's why no medical doctor will prescribe it to you I feel like I'm coming down from a would prescribe it to you i feel like i'm on a coming down from a coke buzz when did you take it uh four hours ago you got plenty of time you got

plenty of time how long is it not coming down sometimes nine ten twelve hours whoa jesus christ two more podcasts tonight that's perfect wow dude that's a are you sure that it's healthy to take that stuff? It's not like salad or kale. It's totally not healthy. But it's just drugs. Is it dangerous? Yeah, a little bit.

I'm sure you can overdose on it if you take too much. I took half a pill, though. Would you quit saying half a pill? I just told you that's such a huge difference. You should stop saying that. You should find out how much you're taking. One 5-milligram pill, it's the same as half a 10-milligram pill. Brian, that might be horse dosage.

There was a 4 written on it. I've never even heard of that. Brian, you're the strongest ones available. And you took half. I've heard of a 10 and a 20. You cracked out right now, son. Just a second. Whoa, easy. Just give me a 20. You're cracked out right now, son. Shit. Just suck my dick. Whoa, easy. Just give me a taste.

What's the come down from Adderall? Is there a way to get... I think you crush. You just... No, is there anything you can take in order to come down? Yeah, more Adderall. More Adderall will help you? Yeah, that's what you do.

Lighter dosage? Milk, Ari. At the end of the day, though, my friend who's on it all the time said that sometimes if he has to do something late at night, like late night show yeah he it's it's badly timed and you know because he takes his stuff at a certain time every day so if there's a late night show it fucks him up oh yeah i guess it's too hyper if i take one of those five hour energies no nut doesn't get too hyper he's done by the time the late night show rolls around he's over he's he's tired but he can't take it too late because they won't be able to sleep exactly medicated medicated to the girls we live in a strange world i heard about a new drug what is

it a cop told me in austin crocodile oh that's a that's a drug from um um russia yeah a lot of guys that were hooked on heroin are taking it it makes their skin rot it makes your skin rot it's where you can see the bone yeah through your skin that have you seen it they call it something else like meow meow or something like that maybe i don't know it's called crocodile though yeah it's oh is that what it is yeah horrifying yeah and they said it takes about two years to kill you so it'll be plenty of time you can be like just a little worse just a little worse it must feel amazing it must that's what I asked the cop who told me about it. I was like, how does it feel?

Like, awesome, right? I mean, it's making people have like rotten holes in their body where they're shooting it in. I mean, it's really crazy to look at. When you look at the images. It just rots away your skin. Have we talked about this on this podcast? No, we never have.

Who would take this? I don't know. People are so strange, man. Hey, man, I got this good shit. It makes your skin fall off. Well, that's not the effect that they want. That's something I'll tell you about. People are so crazy, bro.

They're so crazy. It's just such a weird animal. You also have to know how much to take and stuff. Yeah. Well, how about none? That's a good move. My friend told me he took mushrooms in Amsterdam and he didn't like them. And I was like, oh, well to take where'd you take him he goes

i took 20 grams and i went to the i was like what well that's why that's like drinking a fucking bottle of tequila and saying i don't like booze 20 grams yeah that's insane yeah in a pound in a pound i don't know an ounce is like oh that's different i don't know what how many how many a pound yeah it's at what two and a half ounces i think two and a half ounces in a pound maybe i'm totally wrong i don't know how many grams in a 20 grams would be about an ounce would that be right one pound equals 453 grams okay so we took 20 grams nowhere near a pound yeah nowhere near it but still way too much Nowhere near a pound. Yeah, nowhere near it. But still, way too much.

Imagine if you ate a pound of mushrooms. Oh, my God. What would kill you? I wonder. Let's find out. You might die from eating the same thing of any one food. I think the one time that I took it where I think I overdosed, I think it came out to about a quarter and an eighth. A quarter. So what is that? a quarter and an eighth.

A quarter. So what is that? A quarter and an eighth. One sixteenth, one eighth, two eighths, three eighths. Three eighths. Jesus, you threw me off. Three eighths. Yeah.

You took three eighths. Yeah, that's a lot. What kind of mushrooms? Do you remember? I don't know. They're the ones that look like fake Mario Brother mushrooms. The stems were really big and the caps were ridiculously fake looking. 280 milligrams

per kilogram for a rat. Would kill a rat? 200 what? 280 milligrams per kilogram. I don't know how many kilos a rat is. How many kilos am I? The problem with all this LD50 for rats is there's a lot of shit that kills animals

that doesn't kill us. Yes, but there are's a lot of shit that kills animals that doesn't kill us. Yes, but there are also a lot of things that kill both rats and us. And there's also a lot of things that can't kill rats but does kill us. Do kill us? Yeah. Like living in sewers? Well, they're fucking disgusting, these cunts. They eat feces?

They're really disgusting. Yeah. They eat each other. I've told this story before. I killed a big-ass rat in my fucking garage in Encino. Yeah. I killed it with a trap, and I'm late at night I was like I heard it snap go off I was writing and I went out good tomorrow I got up in the morning and there was nothing but skin a little bit of skin and a tail they ate

that fucking rat we had a rather chewed through his tail in order to get out well yeah this rat was a big fucking rat too man they had some big hill rats up there in the hollywood hills they got a real problem in new york they're everywhere yeah some dude was would you rather have mice or rats mice oh mice by a long billion times the one guy that we had on the show the hoarder guy willard um what's his face i can't think of his name right now oh matt matt he said that he would rather have rats why i heard him on like opiate nanty a friend Willard? What's his face? I can't think of his name right now. Oh, Matt? Matt. He said that he would rather have rats.

Why? I heard about Nick Opie and Anthony. A friend of mine lived in Hollywood Hills, or rather his friend lived in Hollywood Hills, and he had a dope house with a theater. But when they were watching the movies, he goes, when the movie comes on, he goes, put your feet up, because sometimes rats run across the floor. It was like, what? That would make it a way worse movie.

He goes, if you live in the hills, there's just no way to avoid them. What? Could you imagine there's no way to avoid rats in your fucking house? It's like ants. That's crazy, though. It's a little animal. So much worse than ants. Wow.

Have you seen Nutria's? Have you ever seen those things? Oh, yeah, those giant rats in the south. Yeah. Dave Attell went Nutria hunting once. Yeah, that's how I found out about it. Yeah, hunting once. Yeah. That's how I found out about it. Yeah. Yeah, me too.

That's how I found out about it too. I'm getting informed. That was that show Insomniac. Well, I was watching some show on one of those outdoor channels. It was hunting, and the dude's a chef. I think it's called Dead Meat or something like that. That's the name of the show. And he would go, and he'll shoot all kinds of weird things and cook them,

like all kinds of weird animals. And so they cook nutria. They shot these nutrias. But there's a bounty on nutrias. For every nutria you kill, they give you five bucks. Wow, really? Yeah. I'd be able to make a living that way.

Yeah, if you have the seven-inch tail. They're big, man. There's a lot of them, too. Do they attack people or are they just super strong? No, no, no. They're vegetarians. we just kill them the problem is they're they're destroying the wetlands they are they're their rate of erosion caused by nutrias where do they come from some insane amount it was like they came from another country it's like 350 um yards or 350 acres a day

they were eroding well yeah these animals were eroding like an insane amount of ground they can cover in a day and they're just jacking all these wetlands and so since they started this bounty on them the show said they had dropped it down to 50 acres a day but they're still they're still fucking things up i mean it's like there's a lot to lose every day every day they're just jacking these fucking all these wetlands they just kill all the vegetation you know all these swampy crazy areas they just kill all the vegetation they're huge the fucking thing was like a dog man and this dude they went out and they shot him in like an hour's time they shot like six or seven of them and they

throw them in the boat and they took them back and cooked them it was really weird man it was funny how everybody was like repulsed by it like everybody that they told that it was a nutria they're like oh but if you tell someone you got a pig like what is it it's bacon it's like we came up with cool names for shit that's not the animal itself like beef beef is cow you know venison venison is a deer you know what i mean they would have to come you can't just say you're gonna eat rat you can say i'm gonna eat chicken yeah chicken that's true chicken is only chicken yeah okay but like pork is like bacon it's ham you can have you could have work yeah you could have a couple different names for it yeah bacon's so fucking good so good why is it so good you've been to denny's When they have that bacon shit?

Oh yeah The fat and the crispy meat It's just so delicious Bacon milkshakes Yeah it's so delicious that I mean this has been talked to death By comedians But the idea of

It's become sort of Almost like a hack and choke Yeah put bacon on any kind of food It makes it better Yeah It does Yeah Chocolate and bacon's good

Have you ever had that together? That's okay I had it at a fair once You know what's amazing, man? Salted caramel That shit's good Salted caramel ice cream Holy shit, I know what you're talking about

There's a place in Denver too I forget the name of it, but they have amazing Salted caramel ice cream And Denver's where Ari Shaffir's gonna be next week Recording his fucking path. See, that's a segue, son. Here's the deal. I just want to say, I'm there the 10th through the 12th of May, but I want the cool people,

like all these people listening, all you guys. He wants us. And by the way, the Comedy Works, you owe it to yourself. If you're going to see a comic like Ari, go to the best club in the fucking country. And the Comedy Works in Denver might just be that club. If it's not the best club, guess what? There's no better. There's no country. And the Comedy Works in Denver might just be that club. If it's not the best club, guess what? There's no better. There's no better club than the Comedy Works in Denver.

There's no better club in the planet. There's just not. There's clubs that are just as good, but there's no better club. It's on any list of these are the clubs I like to play before I stop. The Comedy Works in Denver is at the level of the best club in the country. I don't think there's any one best club in the country because there's like Helium in Philly. That's the same level.

It's the same level. There's nothing bad about that club. It's perfect. It's one of the best clubs in the country. In my opinion, like Helium in Philly and the Comedy Works in Denver, they're the same level of club. I think that that place is as good as it gets.

It's the cream of the crop as far as comedy clubs go. And Denver is the stoniest, coolest fucking city in the country. I love Denver, man. When are you coming back to Columbus? Seriously. Yeah, you know what? I'm going to book that.

I'm going to book that. I'm booking a bunch of shit now that I have to write a bunch of new stuff. So when I come to Columbus, that's probably what I'll do. I'll probably do the comedy club for a couple of days. The Funny Buns is a good club there,

but isn't it weird how that place doesn't have a green room? Oh, yeah. Yeah, whatever. I kind of like it. I like when you're roughing it. Going back to the kitchen to like pull up a chair. Yeah, I like when you have to live like that sometimes. It's realistic.

It's good. It's good for you when you have to be in the hallway warming up and there's fucking people walking by with drinks. It seems stupid, but I think all that stuff, you should never get away from that. That's a real comedy club, man. That's where we all cut our teeth. That's what's responsible for a lot of guys making a living.

Those kind of clubs. Those are real places. It's not about energy. When you're there for two or three hours, it is nice to have a place to put your stuff. Yeah, but you know what? Just go out and sit with the people at the bar. Who gives a fuck?

Just go hang out with people. That patio is so big, though. You should just put a shed out there or an Airstream. What if you pulled up in one of those trailers? Oh, yeah, that's the patio. The Airstream trailer. Yeah, that would be badass. But they need the patio because people can't smoke in the bars, right?

Oh, yeah. Isn't that the law? You have to go outside to smoke. Isn't that the laws now? Yeah. Right, so you have to go outside to smoke. Yeah, that law apparently is a big divider among the pool world. Pool players are really upset.

Really? Yeah, because a lot of guys, first of all, when they're gambling, they would just constantly be smoking. Poker had the same problem. Yeah. They tried to get it out. It was the last link to the Leaf Casinos was the poker area. Yeah, I know.

For that breath that I just took, that was like a lot of guys, they needed that. They needed that. They needed that cigarette to calm them down while they're're gambling i don't think they needed it i think they just got used to it i know they do resisting change but they're addicted yeah and when they're addicted yeah you need it you know i i've seen a lot of guys who just got really pissed off and they would start going to places that would allow smoking because some guys would let you chain smoke so it's like it's not like going outside i can't just keep going outside i just want to

keep going the only way they can make that different is if you uh made it a private club like i belong to a cigar club yeah it's a very halty schmaltzy me and my brother matt and when we go we uh we can go and smoke cigars with all these people like out in this place they have gourmet food and we act like assholes oh that's nice like big wigs you know like like you're some sort of a deal maker i'm a deal breaker up here sell it 17 and it's kind of a crazy place

because it's the girls are all really pretty and they're like scantily clad and they serve excellent food and there's all these rich guys out there

you know we've seen like movie stars and shit but it's a club you know and you're allowed to you're allowed to smoke cigars at this club they should make a place where you know

why don't they have pop rooms like this what's that why don't they have pop rooms like this? What's that? Why don't they have pop rooms like this? That's exactly what I was going to say. Where?

What's that one that's a comedy? That one shut down because they got scared. In Toronto. Oh, no. In Toronto, yeah. Oh, the one here?

On Melrose. On Melrose, they shut it down. The back room. Why? They got scared? Yeah, because when the shutdowns were starting,

they were like, we don't want to take any chances. Because people don't know how much they're allowed to get away with, so they're just guessing. When the shutdown times are like, let let's stop it was a hash bar it

was so great yeah it's a full hash but people go there to write that guy came up to me a couple times when we were doing sows and he asked me to do shows there and i was like you're going to jail really like i'm like this why if everyone's in there with a card why doesn't matter smoke there because there's there's the possibility always of federal intervention. If the DEA is in town because they're going to start cutting down- 06.01 Well, it was there anyway, so they just have a regular pot room. 06.01 That was a hard one. 06.01 Yeah, but not that way.

06.01 It was a hard room. 06.01 But that's where people are going to be getting high, actually physically getting high. And a lot of them, I guarantee you, are not going to be legal. There's going to be a lot of sneaky hippies that, oh oh man i didn't have the money to renew my card man what's the hassle it should totally be legal anyway man nature gave me my license there's a few of those fuckers they're gonna arrest them if you could be there doing a show while that goes down you might go to jail too every time i like want to wait when your card has ever got renewed let's say it ends may 1st you're like i'll just buy a bunch of weed april

29th and that'll last me till like june 30th uh but then you're like what am i doing well i was trying to buy two months for the fucking 45 dollars it costs it is beautiful that you could just go to a store and buy it yeah it really is i said that i don't think that's going to go away now just because of the fact that we're too used to it we're a volt now yeah and it's a big impact on the the economy it's just the rest of the country really doesn't know that kind of freedom yet. They don't know how easy it is to live like this. It's great.

And people who think there's anything wrong with it, you're being silly. It's drugs. It's drugs. That's not a good enough answer. So is alcohol. So is Adderall. So is Adderall. So is this coffee I'm drinking.

This is a drug. My feeling is like, yeah, so it's a drug. So is this Nuber ring I have in my butthole Do drugs Yeah so what Do drugs all you want What's the difference

Because people are scared Ari Shafir They're god damn scared They're scared of the void Cigarettes have Addictive nicotine in them And you shouldn't say Well just because

They're doing something wrong You should be allowed to But like We are going to have to You know I was going to Write this thing I wrote this whole thing about this this trayvon martin thing yeah when when that kid got shot and there was all these

people that were rallying one way or another my problem is nobody really knows what happened exactly no one does know what happened but my my my feeling was like man when are we gonna evolve past the point where that's even a concern oh yeah exactly when are we gonna evolve past the point where people are breaking into people's houses and stealing shit when are we going to evolve past the point where people are starting shit with people because they're packing a gun is there ever going to come a time when that that's the past we're not hacking each other with swords in the streets every day everywhere you live anymore everything is getting radically improved security and safety radically improved every city all over

the world we're animals here yeah but you know what they said well they said they were in lines after the uh tsunami and the japanese people were in lines waiting to get their food and someone said so nice that you wait in lines here and they don't so orderly and he was like well that's the only way it should be yeah what are you talking about and we've become such animals that we we think that's great well we are a country without much history or tradition you know we have a sort of a fake history and tradition we make a big deal out of our history you know i'm american i know my history you know what history a bunch of marauders great great grandfather starters escapees from other countries that fucking came over here and tortured and killed all the natives or you came

later and or yeah Or you came later. Or you came later. I'm proud of my history. You're white trash. That's not a history. It's silly when you stop and think about, say, the history of China or the history of Japan, one country that's been in one place for thousands of years. There's a true history to Japan, and there's a history of obedience,

and there's a history of order and discipline. And the tradition of it is far stronger than it is in this country. there's a history of order and discipline and the tradition of it is far stronger than it is in this country. That's a fact. Brian and I saw it when we went over there and I'm not saying that Japan is... If I had to choose between living in Japan and living in America... Jamiroquai.

If I had to choose between living in Japan or living with Jamiroquai, I would say I'm going to live in Japan because I would kill that dude. You wouldn't want to have him as a roommate. Apparently, he gets crazy. I love his music, though. Don't get me wrong.

But apparently, he gets crazy and throws punches at people and shit. But Japan was so much more polite and orderly. And even when we were at the—they didn't understand us. So when we were at the arena, once we got in and I showed them that I had a badge, they would talk to me about hi, hi, hi. And I'd go, no, he's with me, he's with me. And they're like, oh. They just let you go.

They just let you go. I like that. At some point, we were like, look, obviously you can lie to me if you want, but please don't do that. I'll just check. Yeah, there's a noticeable, and I'm not saying it's a perfect society or utopia or anything like that, but there's a noticeable leap up in patience and a noticeable leap up in kindness

and the way people interact with people. It's really interesting. That's what happens when you have unfettered access to rapable Chinese women. Is that what it is? Yeah.

I fucking love it. They just calm down? They just calm down. They go rape in London and then go back and just be calm. I'm going to go back to Japan soon.

I think me and Brad from Ustream are going to go. Are you really going on a little vacation? You and who? Some guy you met online yeah they're gonna get sexy brad from you stream has an office there so he goes all the time so i'm thinking next time he goes i might just go with him and just to hang out wow yeah well i i found it quite fascinating i mean i've been to

several different countries now and it really does illuminate you you know ari and i went to brazil recently and we were sitting it was like seven o'clock in the morning we may or may not have just smoked some weed and we're sitting on this balcony overlooking this beach and it's the sun's coming up and we're watching all these kids play and play soccer and we were like who does this in America yeah at 7 a.m. who does those ran out there and start playing soccer and the barefoot crossing the street yeah and these other kids got home from like going out but it was like they look like they're seven yeah they're still out with her holding

their shoes I don't think was just out I don't think Brazil is better than America or America is better than Brazil but I know that that way of living is better than the way that most people here live I heard I heard a quote recently I think it was Mark Twain butny pemberton told me he goes uh um it was um comparison is a death of joy wow it's like who cares what better or worse i'll just tell you what the nice things we saw that's beautiful yeah do you know in japan that the government plays it pays your electricity they pay a lot of things that like one of that's going to change now their power plants are fucking melting into the earth right yeah or maybe they just started charging for and they could have a better profit to make sure this

doesn't happen in the future i wonder if that's even oh i don't know what do you mean what would that do they're fucked brian they have a real problem with those three reactors how would the problem possibly a fourth huh how would the profits have solved the meltdown well because obviously it seems like their shit was built like retarded style. You know, like if they had like some more intelligent people going, wait a second, why are you should not build it so it only goes to a what, a 6 point or 7.0 magnitude quake? They had it up to an 8.2, I believe. 8.2.

But it was even larger than that. It was like a 9. Why don't you make that shit 20? You know? Well, I don't think they can. Yeah. At some point, yeah. The reality is. You're right. It's like, just go deeper. Yeah. Just sinker deep. nine why don't you make that shit 20 you know well i don't think they can't yeah the real the real the reality you're right so just go deeper yeah just i mean didn't we just talk about this the

other day this is my my take on um um the the craziness of nuclear power was that it's only been around for less than 100 years and think about in 100 years all the different huge cataclysmic disasters from Chernobyl to Three Mile Island to this one in Fukushima. This is three giant huge ones that have taken place and it's only been in less than 100 years. How long is nuclear power? Thank you, sir.

How long is nuclear power? Powerful C2O coconut water. My favorite. It's delicious. It comes from Thailand. It tastes so good. You think that it's got sugar in it. And I even asked them, I go, you got sugar in this shit, bitch?

They sell it on Amazon. No. Set it up. There's no sugar in it. There's no sugar in it. There's ad-free ads. Where were we before we went on the coconut ramp? The nuclear.

Yeah. The real issue is they don't know how to shut these fucking things off. And that's terrifying. It's terrifying that they're willing to build something that they don't have an out clause with. They were just hoping to keep the power on so they can keep it cooled off. Germany wants to be without nuclear power in 20, 40 years. I think Norway has moved towards that as well. There's been a couple of European countries that are considering this now.

First of all, they're very small. A lot of European countries, think about the impact of one nuclear power plant or two would have had on them. Japan is very small and they're seeing the impact of the radiation pretty far. Isn't there some kind of metal? This is another O'Brien dumb shit thing. Isn't there some kind of metal? Take another chance.

Isn't there some kind of metal that they can almost just cover the whole entire reactor? Like pewter. It's too hot. Everything's going to melt in it. Everything's going to melt. It's a goddamn nuclear reactor it's i don't understand nuclear science enough to comment on it but from what i understand they literally can't cool this thing off and they don't know what to do and they're pouring ocean water on it try to cool off the reactors they've eaten through their containment they don't know where where it's going to go as far as like how much is going to impact

the soil they've never really had one melt down like this before let alone three melt down in one area in japan they've never had this so they got to learn from what happened in chernobyl i don't know if chernobyl's damage was as bad as this one is but it's it's pretty fucking significant and the scary thing again is that there's several of these things all over the place i shouldn't say several there's hundreds of them all over the world and if if these reactors keep fucking up in different spots of the world, we're going to have giant areas of our world that's contaminated and dead for hundreds of thousands of years. And that's the reality that we're operating under and living under right now. While you and I are sitting here talking on this laptop and our information is being passed

through the internet, there's lights that are on, and you're going to get in your car, and you're going to go, and electricity is going to fucking power that gas meter when you pump gas at the gas station, and there's going to be an electron. All that shit is nuclear power, son. All that shit is built on the back of insanity.

Our entire civilization runs on an insane idea that we're going to take, and we're going to make a nuclear reaction. We're going to make a fucking reactor. And we're going to use this insanely hot thing to burn water and create steam. And the steam is going to power and make electricity. It's nuts. It's fucking crazy.

And it's how the whole country works. The whole country is essentially almost primarily on coal and nuclear power. So it's either giant fires or it's, you know, some people have windmill. There's a few places that have like windmill fields. And then dams, right? Yeah, dams can generate some electricity. But there's a lot of it that's nuclear.

A lot. Have you ever been to that windmill fields that's like right outside of Los Angeles going up, like when you went to Joshua Tree? The grapevine, the grapevine. Yeah, at night just thousands of these red dots that like i had no idea what it was and i'm just driving going what the fuck was that holy what is this we've done a few fear factors out there oh yeah it's

cool and those those those fan things are so slim that you're like what how does this do anything yeah so small again steel cable fucking everywhere, Brian, how does your brain work where we're on a conversation about nuclear power and stuff and you asked about the safety of nuclear power? How would that be an O'Brien moment? You were completely staying on topic and not making a joke. No, because I was talking about pouring metal on top of a whole factory. About locking it down in a big metal box.

You know those little toys you used to buy when you were a kid, like those little pewter toys? Whatever that is, if you poured a billion gallons of that. Well, I think the real issue is they can't cool it down. Ever? It's going to take forever to cool it down. How does other nuclear plants cool down? Well, they have power.

Do they use nuclear power to cool it down? Yeah, I mean, a lot of what's going on in a nuclear power plant is keeping it stable and making sure that there's not what's called a meltdown. And I don't understand it enough to be just talking in vague terms, but what happened with Fukushima was the earthquake and tsunami and flooding and everything fucked up their backup generator. So they, they had nothing,

they had nothing to keep it powered. So they had essentially eight hours before there was a meltdown. So there's eight hours where they could just evacuate the area. Have the Kansas started yet? I don't know, but I'm sure. I mean, there's bunnies that have been born with no ears. There's weird mutants that are starting to appear in the animal world. Oh, yeah, there's the fish.

You see the fish things? Dude, just hanging out with me and Joe. Fish are born with non-working eyes. Oh, Jesus. What? Just hanging out with me and Joe. You probably have whatever we have now. Yeah, we're going to Japan.

We're going to Japan. Like Fantastic Four. I was going to not eat the sushi over Yeah, we're going to Japan. We're like Fantastic Four. I was going to not eat the sushi over there, but it looked so delicious. I was like, whatever, let's let it rot. Yeah, that lasted a half hour. I think we were talking about how we weren't going to eat anything. People are dying over there. All right, I'll just have 12. Just have 25 of them.

The sushi looked great, and everybody looked healthy. That's not how – cancer has no look. We were just talking, you and I were, about Mad Cow. They just found an episode of Mad Cow. In SoCal.

Yeah. They said the only reason they found it is because they ran them testing. Jesus Christ. Didn't have the symptoms at all. It was an irritable. Yeah, no,

but they said they act a certain way. Dude, it's so scary. They're feeding cows cows. Mad Cow disease comes from them taking cows and then butchering them and then grinding up their brain matter and also taking shit. it's so scary. They're feeding cows cows. Mad cow disease comes from them taking cows and then butchering them and then grinding up their brain matter and all sorts of shit. Whatever's left over.

And using it for a protein base that they feed to other cows. And mix it in with the grains. Cows aren't supposed to eat cows, by the way. So why are they doing this? Really, just to save money? Yes, exactly, to save money. Because it makes for effective feed. You can force the cows to eat that shit and they will eat it and stay alive and they get all fat and fucked up and they get

essentially what's called jacobs krupsfeld's disease which is the same disease that um savages and cannibals in new guinea get where they get the shakes they get this terrible neurological disorder from eating human brain because you're programmed to not eat not supposed to eat that exactly it's a fucking trick by nature to make sure the cannibals don't survive but if a lion ate human brain he'd no problem no problem unless the lion ate a human who had jacobs kreutzfeldt disease and then he would get that he could get it because he could get it from what are called prions and that's the concern with people eating beef that came from england during a certain period of time when mad cow disease was running rampant the The idea is that you could have possibly gotten

this Jacob's crutz. 13 Had people started showing symptoms of that ever? 14 Some people have. Yeah, sure. People have died from mad cow disease. It's no joke. 15 The Prime Minister of England was trying to say, remember that? He was trying to say it's safe now. So he fed a burger to his daughter on TV.

16 Jesus Christ. 17 This is how safe I think it is. Eat this burger's Christ that's crazy that's Game of Thrones type shit crazy asshole it's you know it's amazing that they're so greedy and stinky and disgusting that they've actually decided that there's a good way to save money feed cows cows you know I mean it's just a cunty decision just the worst to say what any company that makes that decision the government should come in like stormtroopers and close their fucking

shop down and or make it a socialist place you should take over and feed the cows only grass Burger King is going to um that's how bad I feel to safe chickens and something else in like next by 2017 safe chickens no not safe like free-range range yeah that's going to be more expensive. Maybe. Or maybe they're just like, fuck it, we'll lose a little more money. We won't make as much.

Definitions of free range I bet are pretty sloppy. I bet free range is that they're not in cages. They're in a giant pit. That's probably what it is. It looks like it's moving. Yeah, that's free range. By the way, have you ever gone to DeX's house and looked through the screen door?

The cats move all at once sometimes. It just looks like the floor is moving. It looks like they're migrating. Dude, Diaz is living in a crazy environment. They rock like birds. Yeah, it's like 12. It's like a bunch of them. Does he have 12 now? I think it's something like that. I think it's 12. I have an idea because I need to get

rid of one of my cats because it just doesn't work well with my dog and the other cat hates it too so it's just miserable so i want to find like an old lady to give it to but i was thinking about just like taking it over to his house and just kind of like throwing it into the mix why don't you pawn it off on one of your ex-girlfriends they've had they've pawned off dogs and cats on you yeah i should no that's that's an old cat what about that's what grandmothers are for it but unfortunately all my grandmothers are dead but i used to always give them my cat here's what you got to do take

a dictionary and just slam that skull giving you their cats old people need animals yeah companionship right yes i think companionship is for sure so if anyone in los angeles is old and needs a companion take your old cat you're hot call me and then how much longer is that cat gonna live you hope it dies, right? I think it's like six more years, I would say. Do you come up going, are you dead? Oh, no, you're not. What?

Do you ever hope he dies? I don't hope any animal dies, but it is. Sort of. You wouldn't be upset. It is a miserable cat right now, and I feel really shitty for even trying to give it a happy life right now. Why is it so miserable? Because you got a second cat?

Because I have a second cat and a dog, and both of them. Fuck with it. Those two love each other, and they're like a gang, and they're just like, fuck this other cat, you know? And the other cat's the original one. The original one. And it's like, damn, bitch. You've created gang war in your own house. You got bullies in your own house.

Meanwhile, you're supposed to get rid of the other two. You're supposed to get rid of the cat and the dog. Yeah, but they pay me off. You keep the original. They pay you off? They pay me off. Really? In what?

Kisses and attention? Yeah. Yeah. You need that now more than ever. One eats my poop, so he never poops in the house because he just eats it right away. He doesn't have to clean it up. Don't ask him because it's going to be something like this. He's going to tell you.

He picks up after himself. He shits and then eats it back up yeah i never have to clean his poop does he really yeah no he does not so disgusting yeah but he never does clean poop up off the floor it's just like are you kidding are you joking around right now i hope you are i know i'm not you leave that thing in it doesn't have it can't shit so just shits on the ground then no it uses a poop pad and it eats its own shit huh and it eats its own shit? No, it uses a poop pad. And it eats its own shit? Huh? And it eats its own shit? It loves its own shit. Stop it. It's a human shit-a-peed of a dog.

It does not eat its own shit. A lot? Like all of it or just lick at it? You want to bet? Wait, does it just lick at it or is it all of it? Every time I come down and it looks like he ate a nice cookie,

there's little crumbs of his own poop everywhere. Oh, dude. How is that not incredibly disgusting to you? Because I... Hold on. Maybe he's just shitting out of his mouth when you're not looking. I put Listerine strips in his mouth and I... No, you don't.

I have this dog spray stuff for dog breaths. Ari, save this conversation, please. Are you going to do Shroom Fest this year? If I can. Allegedly? Allegedly. I have to find out where I am, what part of the world. Yeah.

If I do... I made it mondays for just for comedians when i block out of an amount of time like that it's very selfish because i'm a father you know i can i can smoke pot and be functional but i have to be real particular about like where i where i do shrooms oh yeah yeah it's like a trip it's like it's got to make it work i tell you the last time i did it man i was convinced I'm never going to do this shit ever again. I'm like, you know what? Well, I've done it since I was a young person, and then I stopped for seven years.

And then I always thought in that seven-year time, I'm like, you know what? I've done everything I needed to do at that. That's stupid now. But then I started dating younger girls, and then I had to re-go through all their drug experiences. And now I'm back into how i was when i was 21 again well i think it's uh it's all about the intent like what are you trying to accomplish out of using it are you trying to find something out about yourself are you trying to have like a spiritual journey that you go on yeah or are you just trying to play and party and get up and say i, oh, I can't believe what I took.

Whoa, I took so much. Because I think a lot of times when you do that and you don't go into a trip, you can take a mushroom trip for granted. A mushroom trip can kick your fucking ass. Yeah, that can be just fun too, though. Sure. You can just go and go to a concert or go do something. It depends on the quantity.

Disneyland. It depends on the quantity. Food. How much food you ate. The quantity. who you're with where your state of mind you want to be with people you like yeah and you can get away with doing mushrooms but the when you do big doses like you did you did a giant dose yeah i firmly believe that you should be prepared for a fucking journey through space when you do that i mean you

should be someone who's been going to yoga class. You should be someone who can sit down. I think that's an overdose amount. There is such thing as overdose amount, meaning your body... We just went over that with the rats. The body immediately rejects any of it, even a small amount. That's when an overdose...

Your body's like, no, no, get this out of me. An overdose? Yeah, you're reacting to that stuff, to that poison. The thing about mushrooms is it's not poison. What's going going to jack you is like it's like saying salt is poison salt isn't poison but if you eat a pound of it you're fucking dead it's thorn yeah mushrooms are the the the active psychoactive ingredients in mushrooms it mimics human neurochemistry that's why it's so powerful what mushrooms is is like for what psilocybin is, I don't know how to say it exactly, but something like four phosphorloxy NN dimethyltryptamine.

And NN dimethyltryptamine is actually made by the human brain. So it's dimethyltryptamine plus something else. And it's some weird phosphorus something or another molecule attached to it somehow or another that makes it different. But whatever it is, it's so close to human neurochemistry,

it's not really a poison. It's just some weird fucking side venture that you can take your mind on so the the danger is only in like spectacular doses to actually worry about poisoning yourself if you take three grams you're fine yeah yeah you could take you could take a lot i mean i know i've heard many people that took five and ten grams i've heard ten grams from many different people, and they are fine. I mean, they're scared as fuck. And when they come out of it, I mean, they shot through the middle of the fucking rabbit hole

and came back with Robert Lewis. What is the guy's name? That's not what you did, Brian. 10 grams. 10 grams? It's about 10 grams, yeah. Robert Louis Stevenson from Looking Glass. Yeah.

Is he the one who wrote Alice in Wonderland? Let's just go with it. It doesn't sound like Lewis Carroll, though though isn't it yeah lewis carroll lewis carroll lewis stevenson multiply that times a million i mean all that stuff was that was all psychedelic inspired i'm sure all of this i mean wasn't it supposed to be about acid it's supposed to be about that yeah you could you could take enough mushrooms you could fucking lose your mind for sure but that's a super super high you're no one my leg listening to this is gonna take that much i my legs did not work i fell to the

ground my legs don't work i thought as he's walking down the street my legs didn't work no i mean like i fell to the ground and i could not stand up like it that's not a good example for the youth of america no and i don't think that's anything that people should try unless they do research and make sure they're safe and of age. What's that? That was 10 grams. That was that. That was when I took a quarter and an eighth, whatever that is.

We're the kids in America. Whoa. We're the kids in America. Whoa. Everybody live for the music. The youth of America, they deserve better than that, Brian. You're a leader at this point. I think you need to step up. Oh, I'll have it on here.

Don't do it. Stop having your legs fall apart, son. Don't do it. How many grams do you think you did when you had this spectacular trip? Ten. Quarter and eighth. That sort of comes out to ten, ten to eleven. Ten to eleven grams. Ten to eleven grams. This is crazy. What was the most memorable part of it? had this uh spectacular trip 10 it's quarter and eighth that sort of comes out to 10 10 to 11 10

to 11 grams this is crazy what was the most memorable part of it uh my hand turning into pyramids gold pyramids wow nice uh when i puked it was all colors and it turned into trees whoa and then it like felt like there was trees going in my mouth and stuff and then trees going into your mouth the walls the walls were made like out of legos and they were just falling down and wow it was crazy and now it's sick and now what thoughts did you have while this was going on uh i ate too much i was poisoned why aren't my legs working i'm puking here's what i tell people i wasn't really paranoid it was more like, I've never had my legs never work. I've never had body, like I've shroomed 100 times plus,

and I've never had it where my body wouldn't work. So you were just so bonkered out that you literally couldn't figure out how to use things. I guess so. Were you laughing? I mean, I recorded myself, and I talked like I was fine, and I felt like I knew what was was going on but it was more of like i felt like a poisoned what's like the best thing you ever learned from a trip what is what have you ever come out of a trip and had like this is like a real solid revelation i i always have

revelations every single time like the the last one i did um which was uh i did in a shitty hotel room and i did a whole podcast with the other girl i did it with and it's on death squad but what is it called how do people find it uh it's just go there and type in um it's on the front page of death squad.tv and it's like right but for now people people might be listening to this 100 years from now okay hold on i'll tell you in a sec while i'm telling i I doubt it, but hopefully they found something cooler than iPhones or iPods. Go to Death Squad. What's her name? I did it with my

friend Pamela Walt and Amy Hawthorne, and we just went to this really really, really, really shitty hotel in a really scary place. What's the name of it? Motel 6. No, I mean the podcast. Yeah, that's what i'm looking that i would advise against by the way it's going to a place it's like a shitty environment death squad number

18 and so that's who are the people on it it's just me and pamela walt just did the we did our because she had it was her first time doing mushrooms uh and she you know had got just got over having cancer and crash andotch. She's homeless. She goes from couch to couch. She just has had so much. Most of her life, she had such bad social anxiety that she would never even talk to anyone. And then recently, she started getting better with the help of, actually, Adderall, believe it or not.

And so now she's actually being able to function and talk to people, which is something that she it's like being reborn as an adult so does she like the mushroom trip um she had the most fabulous wonderful time she found all these things and it was just the most ideal thing ever in the in amazing in a shitty shitty shitty situation it's amazing how the same stuff the same batch of the same drug it's not like you got a bad batch just some people have a good trip and every once in a while somebody has a bad trip i think a lot of it is going what's going on in your head yeah there's points in

times in my life where i was teetering on a bad state of mind well you know i but but if you listen to the thing there was a reason i was forced into this bad situation because i i went from being like all right this like we might get shot at this hotel this hotel is actually a place that you go to do drugs and get hookers like there's people living there and we explain this whole thing in detail right so i ate it and then immediately started realizing like wait a second oh yeah we don't want to be here for six hours trapped in this room i need to be a babysitter because this might be really bad that's some like fear and loathing in the middle of the desert type shit yeah that's funny it can't be worried it can't be worried dude you should totally write about that and

that should be part of your act on stage yeah that's actually i need to figure it out that's a funny idea for a bit dude right getting fucked up on mushrooms in the wrong hotel yeah and it was bad because like every time i wanted to go have a cigarette i had to go outside and one time there was like this black dude that read that was like running really fast then he hid behind a wall he looked out and he looked right at me I'm like oh shit I saw him and then he started running as fast as he can he was absolutely hiding from so neighborhood was this it was in this weird place in Ventura it's really bad maybe he was on mushrooms too maybe

but but but I would go out and have a cigarette and I started like I had this cell phone case it had all these little diamonds on it kind of like like these little gym cells yeah bedazzled and so i started like leaving them everywhere i would walk just so i would have a place to go back if they have to find me there was like i was doing bread your mind can definitely wander to on a bad situation where it makes it seem way worse while you're on mushrooms right and then there was a fire alarm outside of our door and i'm like that's the emergency thing if anything happens if we get robbed or stuff something i'm pulling that that's how scary this hotel was but i made myself puke but it was too late i would think it would be so funny if you grabbed that and pulled it and it's silence i know it just falls off and there's drugs clang clang puking

happens sometimes but you got to do that within the first 30 minutes. I tried to, and it was the only time I've never- You're already tripping out 30 minutes in that hard? I hadn't eaten the whole day or the night before. I actually had my finger down my throat and never have done that successfully in my whole entire life and made myself puke it up. I got to pee. And I started tripping.

How long into this was that? About 30 minutes. Wait, why'd you start? If you just started tripping afterwards, why'd you make yourself throw up? No, it was happening while I was puking. All that stuff where you started feeling terrible and stuff was happening as you started tripping?

No, this is a different trip. This is my latest trip. I tripped in a hotel room. After I ate, I started noticing how bad this hotel was. We opened up the sheets and there was fucking meth shit in there and there was a stain that was on each side

of the sheets. Oh yeah, it was a gross hotel. And yeah, and then there was just people outside that were like, it was scary. The cops came at one point

and busted up this huge thing. Cops aren't good to see when you're on mushrooms. Even though they can't tell, they don't know anything, you're still like, ugh, cops, this thing's weird,

this makes it bad things. When Pam was checking into the hotel, somebody crashed through the office in their car. Why'd you go there uh i didn't go there i met them there and then i ran up to the room thinking oh this is cool and then right after i ate because i was trying to catch up because they were already somebody crashed through the window with their car when they checked in somebody crashed their car into the office so like the wall was broken open like yeah and you you like dumb okay

here's my credit card information this is great I didn't do it but yeah it was it was it was a shroom of hell it but while she was having the same exact opposite so it's interesting we just talked for like two hours about you can let yourself get in a bad place my friend took it once it with a girl with a guy he's barely new and a girl he sort of liked and it was just the one of the worst trips for him because he said it was like he was worried about his behavior in front of certain people and that worrying puts you in a bad position yeah that's one of the things about ecstasy

that's so cool you can do it with anybody oh yeah you just feel like you like everybody yeah released everything I still think that's the best drug in the whole entire ride if I had to choose one drug other than weed yeah like I said I loved the experience but the come down was brutal on ecstasy it was brutal i took two pills i don't know what the milligrams were

yeah damn two's a lot yeah the next day i was wrecked yeah those are all sort of the same milligrams right they're just different i've seen a guy like one side guy take nine oh my god nine i don't know yeah those are the same people that like a long time ago when people used to do acid and they'd be like, dude, I just did 12 hits of acid. I'm like, why? Why would you do that? Well, there's certain dudes like James Cameron

that want to go to the bottom of the ocean. See, this guy wants to just go. Yeah. So some dudes just want to go to the bottom. I saw one of the UFCs when I was in ecstasy and some pop pills or something and it was when Clay Greer was fighting and I got so fucking into it.

Is that the one where you... Yeah, I was like on the floor this is hilarious we figured this out later like years later there was we went to a ufc once and he was so emotional and like screaming and on the floor and then he told me just like a couple months ago he goes oh yeah i never told you this but i was on whatever you just said. The best Ari UFC moment is documented. It's when what the fuck is his name? It was in Brazil. The last one in Brazil.

When Terry Edom got wheel kicked in the head by Edson Barbosa. Edson Barbosa cracked him with this wheel kick, and as he's going down, you and Joe Silva are right there, and you put your hands on your head like, holy shit!

I put my head over my mouth like, oh no. That's so brutal. Ari was right over my right shoulder, where I'm sitting right at the cage, and Ari's right behind me. So if you look at the animated GIFs that are online, you can see Ari pop up. It was a super slow motion one I saw

that was really cool, just it happening super slow. I'm up before he hits the ground. I don't care what anybody says. That is the greatest job I have ever figured out. I don't know how the fuck I ever got a job working for the UFC, but that is the greatest job ever.

That crowd was so crazy. Yeah brazil was insane to be able to be there right there ringside yeah i've seen like a like more than a thousand great fights like that it's really incredible you know and then for you in brazil you were right there with me on the stage 18 000 people fucking screen you've never seen a crowd like a brazilian crowd man anybody who thinks that american crowds are loyal or nationalistic yeah you don't know what we just scream usa when some guy trains in england yeah we scream usa to the other one yeah we scream usa but that's about it in in brazil they scream you're gonna die you're gonna die they all chant you're gonna die and then when mike pile mike Mike Pyle won his fight against this Brazilian dude only not Brazilian to win yeah against Funch and when he won the fucking whole crowd is calling him a fag yeah old crowd

Portuguese it's there because I need to turn to the to the to the translator like what are they saying what are they saying right now well she thought they were saying a different word turns out they were she thought they were saying cigano which is Juno dos Santos his nickname they were saying a different word. It turns out she thought they were saying Cigano, which is Junior Dos Santos' nickname. They were saying it's like Fagano or something along those lines, which is faggot. Oh, Jesus. Yeah.

It's unfortunate that Anderson Silva and Chael Sonnen aren't going to be fighting in Brazil. Apparently, we're going to do it at the giant soccer stadium, which is going to be 80,000 people. But there was a UN meeting that was going on there the two days before so there would have been no hotel rooms it would have been a nightmare because you'd have to bring in 80 thousand people from other parts of brazil and the world who'd want to come in and fly in to see that fight so it was way too nutty so they had decided to move it to another place that would have been

because it's the biggest fight available it's just the biggest fight and then it would be in the biggest city yeah it would just be in the biggest city. It would just be like, oh, God. I think as far as what I've read is that they're still going to do a fight in Brazil that week. But they're locking down where that's going to be and who's going to be on that card. Yeah. But the Anderson Silva-Chel Sonnen match is going to be in Vegas. OK.

Which probably for Chel Sonnen is fucking way better, man. That guy was in danger. In danger. I don't know. That place was so goddamn beautiful, Brazil. It's amazing. What Ari and I were saying is we were up at 7 o'clock in the morning watching these kids play.

And we were like, look how great this life is. Why don't kids in America do this? Why isn't everybody running around and playing like this? This is like, they were so, it looked so joyful. There was so much fun to it. And you knew that they probably were poor. Isn't that where America used to be? Or at least, is it still in the Midwest and stuff

where just small towns where you just get up and go play with people? I don't know, man. The park? I mean, what makes a place like Brazil? Is it just the environment? The environment's so beautiful, the weather's so beautiful. They're on the ocean.

Ocean dwelling people almost always have a certain appreciation and respect for the ocean, almost like a little appreciation for nature. That's why beach towns are always so calm. There's almost like a chilled, relaxed thing. It's like, man, you're just faced with something so impossible. You're looking out at fucking 100 trillion gallons of water, whatever the fuck the ocean where it's never ending you don't see the end of the water it goes you know it's bigger than the entire continent that you're living on and just it's it's so humbling it's just one of those things you look at it just it makes you chill out a lot of aa people when you have to

have a higher power that make you have a higher power but some people don't want to say god so you can say it's like the ocean, just something more powerful than you are. Ooh, I like that. That sounds like Led Zeppelin's song, too. It's a big constant. Joey Diaz. Do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do. Joey Diaz, still number one on iTunes.

He's number one again. Doug Benson dethroned him for a little bit. For a day, and then just back and forth? Well, Doug Benson is not a comedy album. It's just a podcast. He puts his podcasts up for sale. Oh, nice. Yeah yeah a lot of guys do that

there's a lot of controversy about that some guys have like one a month that they'll have for sale yeah if it's a big giant thing it's like whatever

yeah wow so he's back there Joey Diaz is on my podcast this week really on the Skeptic Tank yeah Joey Diaz

you still having fun with it yeah I am I like it doing one a week yeah sometimes i'll get a couple in a week or two or three in a week if i'm gonna be out of town a lot i'm gonna say you do it yeah me too if you do anything like that consistently i'm really amazed well how about us the man yeah i'm amazed we're doing it too what what is episodes this 2 11 or something like that it's crazy and so you could at any point you could just be like

i'm not going to do it anymore and it'll just be done there'll be no trouble yeah it would be a problem you're not getting fired i think at this point in time we have a commitment yeah yeah yeah i don't think we would be able to stop yeah i think that's impossible there's too many people but i feel like nothing's really pushing you on there's nothing real there yeah we all desire to keep doing it we owe people they're listening they've made our life better because they like this podcast and i think we owe them that people go to so many more comedy shows we're not gonna stop dude i think it's in general not just with this podcast but in general it started this this renaissance of stand-up comedy yes i think i go around the country and it's like and i see the clubs the like hometown club it's just more people are out yeah

people have access to this art form they've never had before and there's no more good guys yeah and that with youtube it's like you can just find who your aesthetically pleasing person is yeah you know max uh dice's kid uh-huh went up at the ice house the other night did great on the podcast and went up and killed yeah at the comedy show i'm like i i just i can't see enough of that i can't see enough of like this new generation coming on they're good i can't see enough of that yeah it's so inspiring it's beautiful and podcasts are allowing these kids to sort of get their stage i'm telling you man that's one of the reasons why the atlanta show went so well i'm so used to talking in front of people that's got to be a lot of it too i wrote down that podcasting is like cross training for stand-up it's a little

it's like it really is like not is not full joke just training thinking of stuff it's like it gets you in shape for stand up yeah I could never have gone up on that just doing that whatever quick set

if it wasn't for a podcast I would have said fuck you and like shit myself you know Eddie Bravo is going to do some dates with us he's going to MC

some shows nice Eddie Bravo wants to go on stage he wants to MC he wants to bring people up he goes I might try to do a joke or two here and there i'm like you can do it i'm like of course

you can do it anyone but he doesn't want to just like he wants to he's what he wants to encourage him encourage him on twitter because he can do it eddie bravo is one of the funniest dudes i've ever met today to bring him up it's all about for him it would just be about focusing it would just be about him finding you know whatever it is that he thinks is funny and focusing. See, I know you're just scratching your beard, but it looks like you're totally shaking your head when you do that. Oh, no, no. That was me. But I just want to straighten that out with all the internet detective. Brian has got

an itch on his face, but you don't see that because the microphone ball's in the face. So it totally looked like you were shaking your head. My beard is just crazy itchy. that was definitely an itch sorry i just started going back to jiu-jitsu again i took three months off i don't want you bulk up to get fat no i hurt no i didn't do anything i stayed the same way i kept training i made sure i kept working out i stayed in shape i stayed in um like kettlebell shape and weight lifting shape and workout shape but that's less than jiu-jitsu shape it It's not as good as jiu-jitsu shape. Jiu-jitsu shape is harder. I found myself struggling for the first couple of classes,

but not nearly as much as I'd be if I didn't do anything. If I didn't do anything, I wouldn't be able to do it. I literally wouldn't. Because one of the things that I thought about while I was working out, while I took the time off, was when I was training, I was working, I was training to go back and roll. I knew I did not want to get tired. I did not want to get tired i was doing a lot of sprints i was doing a lot of um especially on the elliptical i do these things were just purely for

cardio purposes i would do um maybe 10 to 15 minutes as a warm-up at a normal reasonable pace and then i would set it fairly stiff like level 13 or maybe 15 and then i would know i would blitzkrieg for 30 seconds just as hard as i can do it for 30 seconds and then kick it back and recover for 30 seconds and then do it again and i did it for 20 minutes so essentially 10 20 sprints 20 mad crazy sprints when i lost all that weight that that's what I used to do on the elliptical. I would go as hard as I could for a minute and then do like three minutes of just kind of sitting there with my heart rate really

high up. It's so hard, man. It's such a great workout. I mean, when someone tells you you can't get a good workout on an elliptical machine, like, bitch, you're crazy. When I'm in hotel rooms, if I'm staying in a hotel and they say, oh, all they have is an elliptical machine, I can get a fucking ferocious cardio workout in on an elliptical machine. You just got to use it the right way.

And the beautiful thing is you don't get injured on those. You're not going to hurt your knees. Yeah, it's no impact. It's all circular motions. And MRI today. You did too? Yeah. So did Eddie Bravo.

Really? Yeah, Eddie's got some sort of a meniscus thing. What happened to you? I think he said cartilage this time. Cartilage? Yeah. So did Eddie Bravo. Really? Yeah, Eddie's got some sort of a meniscus thing. What happened to you? I think he said cartilage this time. Cartilage? Yeah, my other knee. Your other knee. Are you playing basketball still?

No, no, no, I'm not. I can't. Dude, those body weight squats, I know I showed those to you. Those are like literally miracle workers for strengthening and tightening your knees. Yeah. like literally miracle workers for strengthening and tightening your knees yeah one of the best exercises i've ever had for uh leg endurance and for uh building up the muscles yeah probably endurance i just standing up i took my shoes off after basketball i stood up and i just felt a pop and then fluid well can they fix it what they say he's got to see exactly what it is first

the same doctor do the other one one. He's really good. No, that's the pot doctor. Oh, whoops. Oh, Gettleman. Gettleman. I know my doctors are my doctors. Yeah, he's a real doctor. Yeah, he worked on my knee two times.

He fixed my right knee, and he fixed the meniscus in my left knee. He fixed my left knee when everybody else had fucked it up, or the other guy had fucked it up. The other guy, he didn't want to scope it. He tried to stitch it up, and it just never really healed. It was always loose. It's amazing how when you think about it, you think, like, doctors know what they're doing, but some doctors are bad. You need doctors that work with athletes.

That's what you need, because one of the things that happened after I got an MRI, when I tore my meniscus, which is a really simple thing. Meniscus is not that big of a deal. I tore my meniscus, which is a really simple thing. Meniscus is not that big of a deal. I tore my meniscus. They can scrape the rest over. But the doctor is sitting there telling me I need to stop doing martial arts.

By the way, I was only 30 at the time. And the doctor's telling me you need to stop doing martial arts. And I'm listening to her. And I'm going, first of all, why are you telling me? I'm not asking you for this. And I go, I don't see where this is that big of an issue.

And she's like, you're going to continue to injure this knee. Are you telling me that'm not asking you for this and i go i don't see where this is like that big of an issue and she's like you're going to continue to injure this knee and are you're telling me that it's impossible to rehabilitate a meniscus tear and get my body to a condition where i can train again i call shenanigans yeah okay yeah just because you know you say you'd rather not have that but like what bitch what are you talking about i've been stitched up together like 15 fucking times i know what i'm doing sometimes i just don't want to deal with it Well no, no, it was something weird She was being my mom thing Do you think it's going to catch up like say 30 years from now? No, I have no pain man

See first of all I make sure I stretch out like crazy Second of all I eat a lot of fish oil I take like 10,000 milligrams of fish oil a day I think that alone Promotes like healthy, strong joints. And second of all, stretching and doing all these body weight exercises, really important for strengthening up the joints and tightening it.

Those body weight squats, you go all the way down, your ass touches your heel and your heel comes off the ground and you push up from there. And when you do like hundreds of those, right at the knee is where you build on your muscle. Like all up in here, like the cap of the quads, all around your knee, all that builds up because it's like a really high volume.

You know, you're doing like 200 of them. And it really tightens and strengthens everything. It gives you more endurance. And it also, because the fact that your legs have done so much more work and they're stronger, you're less likely to have them buckle on you they're less likely to give out all cartilage will be the other muscle taking taking control exactly that's a lot of the reasons why people get injured is because they don't have enough physical strength to stop the injury from taking place their body you know

they're they're the coordination or they're exhausted or old people fall they break their muscles because there's no no fucking no they don't but their bones because there's no muscles to guard against it. That too. Well, also their bones get really fragile. That's one of the things, osteoporosis. If you're not lifting weights or taking care of your body in that way where you're adding – it's really important, especially as you get older, to actually physically lift weights if you want to keep your bone density. Really? Bone?

Yeah, your bone density. Yeah, it's very important. There's old dudes, like you can go to the gym and there was a guy named albert beckels yeah and i believe he was in his late 50s or 60s brian google that guy for me please albert beckels and albert beckels bodybuilder and he was he worked out late really old man and i went to the gym there was a gold's gym in north hollywood when i lived in north hollywood and i went to the gym there was a Gold's gym in North Hollywood when I lived in North Hollywood and I used to see him training there like Charles Atlas he was all as fuck dude and he was so wall like a motherfucker look out the photos of that guy he's got a really nice asshole

what was the other guy's name that old look at this photo this guy see if you can get a nice big one that That's him? He's black? That guy? Yeah. Dude, I mean, right there, he's probably like fucking 60 years old or something. Really? Yeah. And I'm not kidding.

The guy was fucking enormous. Just don't get a picture of his bicep. That's his bicep. Just click on one picture so Ari can get a... There's a good picture of him. He's bald and old and shit and just swole. Look at the body on that guy. It's ridiculous.

Fuck. That's the only way you can do that. Well, steroids. But the other way is you have to lift weights in order to keep that density up at that age. That keeps your bones dense? Yes. Not your muscles. No, your no your bones weight lifting especially like real heavy weight bearing exercises like deadlifts and squats they contribute to thicker bone density wow yeah it's really important as

you get older especially because that's when your bones start to get brittle and fragile so guys like albert beckels i bet that guy's like look at that guy's body and that's he's in his 50s there dude I mean he was just an animal there's certainly dudes like that yeah

by the way steroids but also intense workouts and intense training and focus you can't just give it all the steroids there

because the guy still had to do the work half the steroids if he took yeah if he just took steroids only he would still never get that big those guys have to be if he just lifted weights how good would would still never get that big. Those guys have to be...

If he just lifted weights, how good would he get without them? He would never be that lean either. I mean, you have to be incredibly dedicated to get down to that level. I mean, he's like championship bodybuilder level. Yeah. But the difference between a guy like them

or a guy like, say, Steve Maxwell. Steve Maxwell is a guy who's 100% natural and he's a fitness fanatic. And he is, I believe he's about 60 years old now. Is that Dr. Steve? No, no, that's Steve Graham. Oh. Steve Maxwell is the guy who's about 60 years old now. 13. Is that Dr. Steve? No, no that's Steve Graham. 13.

Steve Maxwell is the guy who teaches me kettle bells and comes over like a couple times a year and we, you know, he will go to workshops. 14. Your power up on body issues? He comes and trains me for like three days and shows me all sorts of new shit and I film it on my iPhone. 15. Really?

He's a master dude. He's Steve Maxwell. You can follow him on Twitter. I don't know. I think it's Maxwell Strength and Conditioning. Maxwell S&C. Maxwell SC, maybe. But he's a real master when it comes to training and different things that you can do to keep your body healthy as you get young.

Like, he has a whole series, a DVD series, all on joint mobility and how important it is to stretch. Really? As you get older, your range of motion, especially if you're just sitting in an office, your range of motion is going to get more and more limited because you're not doing shit. Your body's not going anywhere. You're just sitting there all day. So you're less able to use it. Those yoga guys that can stretch like crazy, they always shock me. Yeah, it's incredible.

Right between our legs. It's because they keep doing it. It's because, I mean, most of the reasons why I'm still flexible at this age is because when I was 15 to the time I was 44, I never stopped stretching. You just keep doing it. If you keep doing it, you can keep it up. But if you take off just like a few months, you take off just a few months of training and don't work out

and don't do shit for a few months, your body will turn to a sack of shit like that. Do you feel that when you stop? You just kept trying to keep working out. Dude, I've never stopped. Even when I get injured, I'll stop doing certain things. I've been in places where they say you can't do any working out. Like after I got my nose fixed, I couldn't do anything for a full month. Because they're too afraid of it.

Yeah, they don't want you elevating your temperature or your blood pressure, rather, and possibly opening up some of the sutures or any so no exercise at all for four weeks so for four weeks i was like fuck was it just eat pizza and commit to it no i just just try to eat healthy but i couldn't do shit in in hopes that uh i didn't want this operation to be fucked up because i was without a nose to breathe out of for most of my life and i knew how terrible it was but then once i did it i was like that was a race to get back in shape terrified to stay because as you get older man the the more you have it really easily too and you just stay there yeah you could just become a lazy what what

you gotta do this this festival next year which festival moon tower moon tower the austin one did you just get back from that yeah what was what was it? Everybody's got a festival man Yeah, they pay you points or did they yeah? Yeah, we're gonna have a death squad festival We should that's what I thought I have music like honey honey ask them if they want to come We have some ever where we where should we do this? I think fucking Joshua Tree really? No, no in a city. Yeah, why do why do they have to go somewhere Vegas? Vegas isn't a bad idea. Vegas is not a bad idea.

San Francisco. But Vegas, again, costs money, man. You've got to fly in and shit. Texas. Just do it for locals? Austin, Texas. Austin, Texas might not be a bad idea. Somewhere where it's warm, that's all.

Yeah. Austin, Texas is in the middle, too, so a lot of people can fucking drive there or fly there a lot easier. Well, if we were going to have it, we would want to have it at a place where there would be enough hotel rooms

because how many people are going to come? Let's say if we have like, if we do a comedy show there, maybe New York. New York or Chicago? What about Chicago? New York is so expensive.

Yes. Look at Southwest by Southwest. We'd do it in the same area. All those hotels. Austin, right. That's South by Southwest. Yeah, maybe we could do it

six months after when South by Southwest is there so we don't compete with them at all. I'll be there in September. Austin Death Squad Festival. When is South by Southwest? A month ago. A month ago. Yeah. So it's what, April? What are you worried about competing with South by Southwest? Well, anybody. Oh, right. I mean, first of all, you can't do it anywhere near them because first of all, they're way more established. They're going to eat up all the hotel rooms. Oh, yeah. I mean, if you really wanted to do... But then you would have to organize it, man.

And then you'd have to pay the bands. If you have bands performing, you get a tour manager. I don't want to do that. Yeah, you get to hire a tour manager. If we're going to have a death squad comedy festival, we'd have to be really picky about who we let go on stage too. They're going to represent us. If it's three days, we just just have the same guys we always use

but there's like we have like 30 people that we use all the time and just in different rotations and stuff we made it a big festival and people got to plan for it they would want to do this you know be 30 people we don't have 30 people that are good enough to represent us oh hell yeah if you start grabbing that telling like hey like today be Steve Renizzis and all the Freddie Lockhart's and be like hey do you want to come 30 though i don't think it's 30 i'm sure it is magical what do you think but i mean who are you talking about we're talking about like little esther you know we're talking about like you know the all all the guys and then you might even find that that if it's a

big enough thing that like there's just people that want to hang out for a weekend like a party style and so you might get like maybe like greg fitzsimmons would be like, hey, I want to come to this and shit like that. Maybe. He would want to get paid as he should. Absolutely. We'll make it like a festival.

But then what? You had different shows so they'd see different people twice? Yeah, I guess they would have to if they went to different shows. It'd have to be some people on certain shows. God, it sounds like a lot of work.

But it'd be kind of fun. Maybe it's something we could think of. I mean, look, if the fucking insane clown posse can pull something like that off exactly we could pull it we could have death squad shows at a comedy festival you know the really the best way to do it really would be to make it super simple and start it off simple and as easy as possible try it out one year and then let it build you know then the next year move it to vegas maybe we try

it in pasadena one year maybe we try it this year in Pasadena that's what you do you do it here yeah another you don't have to pay for hotels for almost any comic yeah how about that how about we do it ice house continual ice house shows and we'll have like bands go up and perform at the ice house we'll have two shows going on at the same time at the ice house and just take over the club for like a whole week and have all of our friends come in promote it so hard promote the fuck whole week and have all of our friends come in. That's so hard. Promote the fuck out of it. Have all of our friends come in, all of our friends from out of town

that we know that are great comics that maybe live in Texas. Plan to be here. Yeah, plan to be here. Bring in Stan Hope and pay for him and put him up in a hotel and give him the door, 100% of the door and pump the show up and set it up

so it's both profitable for guys and and it looks like it's fun. And the whole time, we podcast. Yeah, whatever they pay the door, just pump like that. So we want to have two things set up. One, we want to have set up something so in the podcast room at the Ice House, we can see the stage. That's step one. Step two is we're going to broadcast the podcast to all the people waiting in line.

So while the people are waiting in line, as they're going in, we'll be doing the podcast with speakers outside of that little courtyard area. So that will be going on. And then we'll have shows. We'll have bands that can go up. At Lovett's, they made the bar room of Lovett's. They pull down a screen and they show what's going on on that big screen on stage. That's not a bad idea.

They show the podcast. You can drink and just do that bar area where would you do that outside yeah I mean the ice house yeah you can do it outside in that little area yeah everybody we go to smoke anyway sure why not put a big screen up there right yeah almost makes you want to know if like you could talk to like the board that on that whole property because that whole building is owned by the same person that owns that parking lot that's right connected to it. If we were to close that off

and then make it a different state, outside stages. Do that in the summer. Broadcast the podcast to the parking lot and just pull up your own chairs. You need certain permits to do that, though, because you could disturb other businesses and you would disturb the neighborhood. You would have to have permission with all those businesses. I don't think you could do that. I think, first of all, that's other businesses and you would disturb the neighborhood. You would have that permission with all those businesses.

I don't think you could do that. I don't think, I think, you know, first of all, that's a tentative license. Yeah, but that's a movie

and it's in a park. This isn't a park. It's a parking lot and it's right next to people's businesses. They would hear it for sure. If Honey Honey's out there jamming, people are going to hear it.

Oh yeah, you can't have like a live band. There's a festival that's in Columbus, Ohio that's the whole weekend called ComFest. What it is, it's a community festival where everybody in the community gets together and volunteers time making a festival.

So a lot of my friends would sit there and be the people that sell beer the whole day, and they just do it for free. And there's three different stages, four different stages, and it's just music and poetry, and there's girls walking around naked, and it's just people go there with tents and pretty much just hang out at this park the whole weekend.

And I was just like, imagine if it was something like that, because your fan base is so like that kind of outdoorsy, mushrooms nature, kind of they like music and Jimi Hendrix. We could eventually do it someplace like that, someplace cool, but we'd have to make sure that there's enough accommodations for all the people that were invited to come down. It would be tricky. And we would also

have to make sure that we could safely get all the artists there and put them up in places. That's why starting it off in Pasadena would be super easy, because everyone's's local we could have all the local guys go up and people that want to come here they can come here it's easy to get the Pasadena you can come here from all over the country we get a set of a tent at ComFest this year what's ComFest that festival is just something about yeah I have a comedy time I don't think we need to bring in

people like that I think I think we advertise to our own people we advertise to everybody who follows me on Twitter and everybody who follows me on Facebook yeah you give it like eight months to a year lead-up time yeah yeah say like this is the week you're gonna want to make your hotel right sir yeah or I do that we could do that now and get thousands of people to come from all over the country I have no and just a bunch of shows throughout the week even that yeah two shows a night pretty much to say the ice is or if you do in a couple locations the the Ice House and somewhere else. The Ice House is a great place because, look, it's close to LAX.

People can get there. They can get rental cars. They can stay. It's not a far drive. You've got a navigation system. It's not hard to swing. It's totally feasible. And we have the best relationship with that club as far as clubs around.

And there's two rooms there. So we could have two rooms running simultaneously and just keep doing shows. We could do two and three shows a night. We could have an early show. We could have a bunch of different shit going on. Or have a music side stage and a comedy stage. Mad security for nutty people.

So many nutty people have been showing up at the Ice House lately. I had a girl start screaming out she loves me during my show in La Jolla. Did you just run up and shove it in her mouth oh how much do you love me bitch why are you talking like that talk it was crazy and I was like what's wrong with you you need to be quiet so what happened after the show did you hang out with her no I told you to leave eventually I was like I understand she was weird she was something was she was on something yeah she was on I love Ari

I want some Jew dick what's up she by herself. Well, how did it end? I told her she had to leave. Oh, she was there by herself. I was like, you're disrupting too many people. There by herself is a good sign. I'm really sorry, but you have to go. Good sign of crazy. Not always.

A lot of people come by themselves that are very nice, but occasionally, it's a sign of crazy. Sometimes. Yeah, go on anywhere by yourself. It's like, what are you going to be up to right now? Not always. It could mean you're cool. I met some really cool people that came to shows by themselves nothing wrong with it it's not like a hard fast rule rogue fest but if you meet a girl though

yeah and she comes to a show by herself that girl's a freak almost night that means she's like no i'm just here by myself just hanging out no responsibility so we would have to call this the death squad festival or something like that deathafir. So we would have to call this the Death Squad Festival or something like that. Death Fest. Death Fest. Yeah. We'd have to figure out what to call it. Like the Insane Clown Posse.

They call their shit the Gathering of the Juggalos. We would not call it the Gathering of the Juggalos. No, we couldn't call it that. They already have that. Oh, yeah. Damn it. That would be so good in order to get people to come out. But Death Squad is going to give people the wrong impression.

Oh, yeah. It is. Maybe we need to come up with But Death Squad is going to give people the wrong impression. Oh, yeah, it is. Maybe we need to come up with a name for the festival, like a yearly name. Just call it Olive Garden. Maybe the Happy Primate Festival. Comedy Festival. Happy Primate Comedy Festival. But it's not quite a comedy festival.

There's no primates. There's one of our bands, too. Oh. And where would you get venues for the bands? How about a year at primates, too? You would get some music club in Pasadena to show those shows? No, we would do those at the Ice House, too. Put a...

That would be easy to put up. Honey, honey, they could play at the Ice House. Easy. I'm sure they've had bands play in that place. You've got to have the drums off the stage. Yeah, yeah. There's not much room. Yeah.

I don't know how they would do that. How much room is there? Do you think there's room for a drum set? No, not on the stage. Absolutely not. No way. No how they would do that. How much room is there? Do you think there's room for a drum set? No, not on the stage. Absolutely not. No way. No? No, absolutely not.

They would take up the entire stage. They don't have to use drums, though. Some of their best things they do is just him and her, him playing guitar and her playing banjo. They can do an acoustic set. Yeah. That's better anyway, man. The acoustic shit they did on my podcast was brilliant.

Yeah, do like 15 or 20 minutes at the end or 30 minutes or 40 minutes. Because she has a better anyway, man. The acoustic shit they did on my podcast was brilliant. Yeah, do like 15 or 20 minutes at the end or 30 minutes or 40 minutes. Because she has a real voice, man. That chick has a real voice. That's a legitimate voice. It's not like she doesn't need any effects or any fakery. She really can sing. I would do a storyteller show,

get Chrysler and Diaz to do it. Yeah, we could do that too, sure. Yeah, that could be a part of it. Absolutely. It's a good idea. Do you want different themes or different situations for that? Yeah. And you know what? We should also do... How about a show where just... Let's ask topics.

That's exactly what I was about to say. Question and answer. We should do an entire show. We did a little bit of it at the end of the show in Atlanta, but it was more like mocking people for their stupid questions and more moon landing hoax conspiracy talk. I want to hear it from his own mouth. This guy goes, well, I do know that we went to the moon. I'm like, you don't know. Stop it. I love just saying that. Well, I do know. You're just saying it loud. I'm pretty sure we went. What does that mean, silly?

1969. You know what happened. No matter what the argument, well, I just know. So you're just saying you're just done talking then one knows i mean we can kind of assume most likely that happened i'm pretty sure kennedy got shot in the head i'm 99 positive but i wouldn't even say i'm 100 positive for that who knows who the fuck knows this goddamn dark world people take that argument too far sometimes they're like well how do you even know there was a kennedy how do you even know that this world is real how do we not know that you are not living in a computer by the way I thought that was really hilarious I saw a video of you explaining to people how to download the bone zone and you did it as a handicap

person as a handicap person no it's because I don't know how to do it one Brendan Walsh was complaining that people were having a hard time fine podcast it's pretty much I showed Brendan how to do it, and he made a big deal about it on another podcast. I was like, come on. Here, let me do it real slow again for you. To show people how to download just that? Yeah. Well, I think he wants it to be under his name.

Is that what it is? No, he's just like, people say that they can't search Bone Zone, and it comes up on iTunes up on itunes and so i was like let me show you how to do it wait but you can't show the people it's the people searching that's what you have to commit it's not brandon how many people that are in your little network get upset that you have the network as the name of their show and then their show next instead of the way everybody else has i think out of let's say if there was a hundred thousand people i think i hear it maybe two times on twitter no no no i'm talking about the people that actually host their shows um how many of them want to change it to their own name they must all of them no i don't think so right no

no i would say none of them what's right now come on brennan walsh doesn't want it to be in his name and then have you as the network second? No. Look what happened to Freddie Lockhart. When Freddie Lockhart did it, he got lost, and so he came back. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. First of all, Freddie, he left you. He stopped doing it. And when he left you, it wasn't that he went under his name and that's why people couldn't find him.

It's like he really, nobody gave a shit about it anymore. You said you were going to find a way to have people have them come with their own podcast. No, Freddie left because

he wanted to do it on his own and then what I'm saying is that when he did that, no one could find his podcast anymore because no one was listening to it anymore.

Well, that's because, that's only because Freddie had not, he had not publicized it well. He didn't do a good job. Dude, we talked about it

on this podcast. We talked about it on podcasts. We tweeted it. I even retweeted him tons of times no it is it is an extra step that's not enough if people you consider the numbers of people that are listening to yours but in order for him to have it go off on his own think about that he was doing yours for so long and it still hadn't developed a name where he could that was the number one podcast on death squad when it left it went to 170. But you know... Do you not understand what I'm saying?

No. What I'm saying is, all the time he's doing it with you, still hadn't gotten independent. He was still attached to your name. So it's almost like he wasted time doing a good podcast under your name and never got his name out there. So when his name got out there on its own, it flopped because no one knew about it.

So he had been doing all this podcasting and spending all this time developing this sort of a bunch of fans to follow him, and he couldn't take it with him. Whereas if he just did it on his own, whatever he built up would have been his own. It would have stuck with him. Or if they had their own name on Death Squad. Does that make sense? Yeah. Do you know how many podcasts that there's comics out there that you've never heard of in your life did you know mark

ellis had two podcasts but yeah well mark ellis is not a famous comedian you know freddie lockhart first of all was on a television show and he's been on our podcast many many times and you know mark ellis no but it still would be nice if people could search for his name yeah well they can they can search for his name the the real thing is like the question is do you do it the way adam carolla does it where he has you know like uh someone's whatever the like penn sunday school and then underneath that it says ace broadcasting so he has it in a secondary position and he allows the the person's name of their podcast that's first yeah and he's just the production arm of it so you can build up that name yeah whereas brian the way brian does it

is he has a channel and you know it's the death squad channel and then everybody else's podcast is sort of secondary to that it's the exact opposite it's collecting it all it builds up the network it builds up the network as a whole instead of building up each individual as an entity on their own and everyone helps each other if you're a big sam tripoli fan you start listening to sam tripoli you're going to start listening to Brendan Walsh. Vice versa. There's so many people that never knew who Brendan Walsh was until they just were like, well, I like Freddie

Lockhart. I'm going to start listening to Brendan Walsh now because they're on the same network. And vice versa. Well, that's also the case of what people didn't know about until they came onto this podcast. Yeah, but there's that same reason. There would be people who were like, oh, I don't like, let's just say, Brendan Walsh's podcast. they get annoyed and don't listen to the sam triplee podcast here's an example they get it turned off by the stuff they're not into and

they're like how much of this do i have to sit through before you don't don't listen to it do you have to listen to every single one no but you're just less likely to see it what you're less likely to see it the six things that are there and you're only into one of them it's just like you're less likely to check in to see when there's updates well my my only thought is that someone this all is going to make sense their own shit on their own if they're doing their own show on their own and they they brand i mean they start like doug loves movies started out on his own captain on his own and at this point in time he does live shows says doug yeah he has like equity that he's built up in that name and doing it on his own.

And for a lot of these other guys, they're building equity into the Death Squad name. It's not transferring onto... Look at Ari Shafir. Look at Tom Segura. There's ways that you can do it right. They're lucky. People like their show and they're listening to it. Ari is doing good on his podcast and so is Tom Segura.

So what are you trying to say? I'm just saying... They're independent. They left. I know. That's what I'm saying. I'm just saying that I don independent. They left. I know. That's what I'm saying. I'm just saying that I don't think that

it works for everyone. I think... And I think that... I think if Sam Tripoli wanted to move off of Death Squad, he can totally do it and he would probably survive. But I don't think that it's...

It'd be nice if it was a way to stay on Death Squad but also have their own picture for their podcast or something so you can see it's their picture. That's all we're talking about. The reason why – I mean you actually made a bad example because the reason why Ari and Duncan – well, Duncan especially did it completely independently on his own. But what got them famous was being on a podcast that was famous, this one.

That's what got them. That's 100% what made it happen. Somebody asked me that this week. It's not being on a podcast that was famous. This one. That's what got them. That's 100% what made it happen. Somebody asked me that this week. It's not being on the desk one. They're like, how many of your listeners, Ari, do you think are not fans of Joe Rogan? I was like, oh, maybe like 1%, maybe 2%. That's how a lot of people found me.

I don't mind it. Which is fine. Look, we're all sort of different but like-minded folks. People apologize. They're like, I'm sorry. I didn't even know you. I didn't want to even see you before i heard in the podcast i'm like i don't care that means you're here because of that that's awesome the biggest thing

the biggest thing i want to stress though is the reason why it's done as a group is is is also looking past what podcasts like i don't really think that power through numbers that in 20 years podcasts are going to be fucking kicking ass or anything but one thing i do know that's coming up is the the basic future of cable television and networks and stuff are going to more of a streaming based a download based system like netflix or itunes that that is true like there's not going to be an mbc in 10 years that would happen independently of whether or not you made your show the first name or their show the first name well anyways what i was saying is death squad dot tv to me is like i'm kind of considering it more like a this is a channel this is more than just just you're listening to a

podcast at your house this is like a tv show network where each one of these shows are like it's like being on bc death squad is like dot tv but it's like being on like Squad is like.tv, but it's like being on MTV. And each one of these things underneath it is a show. And so one of the biggest things with all the people saying, I want it to be separated into all the different things on iTunes and all that stuff. If you don't want to just go to DeathSquad.tv and download what you want to listen to, we're making these show pages right now where, as an example, if you like the uh naughty show it's

going to have all the the the naughty shows and it's going to have an rss feed which you can do right now in any browser if you open up your browser pick a search string of any kind who's gonna make an rss feed stop it no one's doing that yeah no one's making ours well anyways i'm just saying that you can you can do it if you're if you're freaking out about rss feeds you probably can easily cut and paste an RSS string. No, most people don't know what that is. No one's freaking out about RSS feeds. Exactly, the 1%.

So anyways, but each one of these pages, like the Naughty Show page and stuff like that, will have all the individual shows for each person, and each host is going to have a PayPalpal uh a show donation how many of your network shows are you actually in every single one of them every one of them so that's another thing that's that's i produce them all there's the only ones i don't do is when like like say brian count or somebody's doing one in their hotel room doesn't that drive you crazy to be in all those different podcasts i mean your brain must be scattered no because it's it's quality control

for everything i mean there's like there's like there's like shows like i love esther to death but you know if uh if i didn't if i wasn't there and just put it up uh i would be mad at myself for fucking letting you listen to it and then and vice versa sometimes you know there's there's there's a a quality that all these people get where like, you know, when, when Ari was on, uh, on death squad, he sent me one file once and it was like, one person was really loud. One person was super,

super quiet. You couldn't hear him. And I know Ari was angry at me for not wanting to put that up. No, I was angry at you for saying, we're not putting it up before you let me listen to it. That's all it was. I was like,

let me hear it. I'll make my decision. Right. But I kept saying, no, I couldn't, I couldn't put it up because honestly I sat there for two hours trying to fix it to make it so it would be acceptable and it wasn't no that totally makes sense yeah i mean because a lot of

people don't know that that yeah i'm on these podcasts because i'm fucking producing them i told i told uh um callan because after he told me like his stuff was the same way it wasn't coming through i was like you know you have to get microphones and cords for that right and he goes no i didn't know that i was like yeah you gotta get microphones and cords so you got told them where to get it yeah like those will be better from now on yeah the only problem that I have is that we use the name death squad for all of us and if you got a network that's death squad and then anyone's on there because one of those people and it's not the real death squad way to do it

is to do joey's podcast ari's podcast but they don't want that podcast to put it on a page somewhere well that's a link page we could put that if you if you if you want to defensive right now no one's saying anything bad because that makes no sense at all that it doesn't it's a no it makes a lot of sense what i'm saying is what i do at death squad's 100% feels like it's being attacked exactly and people on the internet what you're doing. It feels like it's being attacked. Exactly. And people on the internet think you're doing the same thing. They think I'm doing the same thing what? Because what I'm doing is you're pretty much saying

the real reason to do a podcast network, like I'm not doing a real way to do it. Just because I'm using the word Desk Squad. That's not what I'm saying at all. I'm saying the right way to call it Desk Squad, it should not just be the shows that you're in. It should be all of us. Death Squad is a bunch of friends, right?

All these people that I'm doing all these shows have been on the road with you. Sam Tripoli has been on the road with you, right? Freddie Locker... Stop it. You're not doing people that have been on the road with me. That's not what you're doing. You've got a bunch of people that don't even know who these people are. I'm talking about the host of the show, Brandon Walsh. He used to take Brandon Walsh on the road, right?

So you wouldn't consider him being on the Death Squad? Brian, some of them. Some of them. Some of them not. You know that. Jaden James? Yeah, come on. All that shit.

There's a bunch of them. I don't want to name names. I don't want to criticize anybody. I know, but every person that's a guest on the show, I wouldn't consider it being on the Death Squad. Would you? What? Like if you have a person that's on your show as a guest.

There's a big difference between having someone on as a guest and having someone who you're doing a show with them. And then you're calling it Death Squad and you're putting it on a network. Right. I mean, you essentially have taken over that name and used it for your own stuff.

It's your own network. I'm not Death Squad. You're on every one of them. I'm not Death Squad. All of us are Death Squad. You are Death Squad. You're on every one of them. Because I produce every single show

on that Death Squad, yes. But do you not see that that is like you are sort of... 90% of the shows, I probably talk about 10% of the time. No, I know you don't. And it's more of the same thing if you listen to Howard Stern, if you listen to any of the shows that have producers like E-Rock or anything like that.

That's a normal thing, Joe. Dude, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with what you're doing. I'm not saying that at all. I'm not criticizing you. I'm just saying that to call it the Death Squad is kind of weird because the Death Squad is supposed to be all of us and most of the people that are in the Death Squad aren't on the DeathSquad.tv

site. So if one of you other guys did something with the Death Squad name, then go for it. I was the first one that was like, hey, I'm just going to make a collection of shows and call it Death Squad because Opie said it one time and it was funny. Do you feel this at all? You mean Death Squad because Opie said it one time and it was funny. Yeah, but it's not the...

You don't feel this at all? Well, you mean Death Squad is a little different to you. You feel it's like the four people that was in the room. No, I do not. I feel it's family.

It's all the people that we're family with. And I think... There's a lot of people that you podcast with. They asked me, we were going to do this. Hold on.

Except for the Janans. The girl's nice. Ryan Keely, she's a very nice girl. Dan Duhomond, very nice girl. Those people aren't your family. We were going to do the show.

They're friends of mine. They're friends with you. Okay, then they're family. You don't think Dan is a friend? She's a nice girl. She's not my family. You've had her on this podcast. I have.

What is the question? Brian, there's a lot of people we've had on this podcast. But you're acting like this is like a treehouse, and you're like, you're not allowed in this treehouse. No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying you're calling it death squad when death squad is us. Death squad is us as friends. Who is us?

Tagging all the people that were hanging out together in that group. There was not the whole death squad in that group. Joey Diaz. Joey Diaz was not there when Opie called us death squad. So you're saying Joey Diaz is not a death squad? Is Joey Diaz not one of my best friends? Is Joey Diaz not constantly on the road with us? Is Joey Diaz not the one who uses it more than than anybody he was the one who actually started calling everybody death squad

he was the one who ran with it because he thought it was hilarious there's obviously some heat here then because you're really having a problem with me using the name i'm not having a problem at all and we were all talking about and i just happened to start calling something death squad it doesn't mean that i'm like no he was talking about me, and it's all me, and I'm Death Squad, and that's what I mean. I'm just saying that I used a term that we all use, and I bought a domain and started doing a podcast for it. You started doing a podcast and started calling the shows Death Squad.

The podcast network is called Death Squad. Yeah, so you've essentially hijacked the name. You've taken the name for your own network. What name? That name, Death Squad, you've taken it for your own network. The name that you used to do those little videos. Why was I not allowed to do that? Not saying you aren't.

I'm just saying if it really was DeskWad, you would have Ari on that page. You'd have big links to all the people that you're not profiting from as well. If I created a podcast network and called it powerful, are you saying that I wouldn't be allowed to do that? It's a big difference between a whole group of people that call themselves Death Squad. We've been calling ourselves Death Squad for almost a decade. And then all of a sudden, a podcast comes along, and you call this podcast Death Squad. I bought that domain in 2007.

What does that mean, Brian? What does that mean? Just because you bought the domain. Didn't we call ourselves that before you bought the domain? Yeah. So we call ourselves a lot of things. But does that mean I'm not allowed to say, hey, I'm going to use that as a name for a podcast network about all you guys? I can't even believe that you don't see another side of this.

I can't believe that you don't see a little bit of a side of this. I see what you're saying, but it's kind of funny that I've been doing it since 2007, and now you're just making it seem like it's... All I've said ever is that it should be all of us included, and that's meeting the guys that aren't in a podcast network with you that you don't profit from. Hang on. He's not saying you've done something specific. Hold on.

Listen for a second. He's not saying you've done anything specifically wrong. I know. You knew I was going to say that? No, he's getting upset. You knew I was going to say that? No, no. So then hold on for a second.

He's getting upset that I'm using you for a second. Brian, let him talk. Let him talk. I know. He's not saying you've done anything specifically wrong. He's saying, wouldn't it be nice to have built a page or in the future to build a page to include the people who are sort of in that group to begin with?

It should be, if you're going to call something Death Squad, it should be all of us. It should be Joey Diaz. It should be Duncan. It should be people that have never been in the podcast. See, there we go right there. Because who gets to choose is on it because you said some – How about me?

How about I'll choose? Yeah, but why? How about I'll choose? Why are you considered Death Squad? I'll tell you this. I'll say why would I be considered Death Squad? How about because I'm going to treat it fairly? How about because I'm going to let in people that are actually –

Tell me how I'm not. Because there's somebody that you might want on there that I might not want on there, and there might be somebody that Ari wants on there. You don't think Duncan deserves to be in because you and him are having an argument? You don't think that Duncan deserves to be a part of the Death Squad? What is your argument? You were trying to tell me before. Silly.

I don't like arguments when you're... The argument comes from Duncan getting upset at Brian when we were in Atlanta, saying that Brian doesn't pay the comedians when he charges money for the shows at the Ice House, and that he should. Yeah, you should pay them. But yeah, I do, and he just doesn't. No, you only paid the MCs.

That's not true. Okay. Okay, again, Joe. You should pay people. Now, are you going to throw me under the bus, too, because you have no idea who I pay, right? Okay, if you started paying people recently, this is a different thing. I'm turning off. Don't turn off, bro.

You can't do this. I'm not getting into this again, because one thing- It's not- Don't raise your voice, and don't get crazy. Listen, I am not agreeing. First of all, let me explain that Duncan shouldn't have done what he did. Live on the podcast. He threw me under a bus.

He cornered Brian. And he also called me drunk even though I had a beer and a Red Bull. Drunk is not an insult. So he's also just fucking sitting there. He wasn't correct. He was trying to diminish it. He was trying to attack me. I got it.

All right. So the whole thing was disgusting. The problem with what I have and what he was getting at is we were talking about Southwest by Southwest. He does this video where it says that Southwest by Southwest makes a shitload of money, whatever it's called, and they don't pay people to come

out there because he was offered to come out there and he didn't get paid. What I had brought up is that I had been hearing that it really it's all about the venues. Like Southwest by Southwest is like a blanket name, kind of like a death squad. And it's into each of the venues that if they want you to come out and play their bar, that they might pay you. You know, but Southwest doesn't do anything except promote it as a big party.

You know, like they do advertising the promotions and stuff like that and then what did duncan do duncan made a video saying that they don't pay anyone and they steal from comics so what happened is i was talking and i was explaining like hey i heard this and he goes you're drunk and i'm like well okay this is not you're really paraphrasing obviously obviously obviously so so uh what then it turned it turned into that he said on a podcast you steal from comics and i was like what the fuck said on a podcast, you steal from comics. And I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? He goes, you steal from comics.

You don't pay your comics. I'm like, well, Duncan, one, why do you think I don't pay my comics? I do pay the MC or the host, usually, which is like Tony Hinchcliffe or Will. I give them $40 to $60. And then I pay, usually, if there's any people like little Esther or anyone that I know that it's like fucking you know like they don't have gas money to get there I'll throw them 20 to 40 bucks sometime and like as an example this last one I gave you know little Esther money I gave Mark Ellis

some cash I you know I spread it out I'll tell you this people been grumbling you got to show that cash of people all right what do people like I'm driving out there there's a cover charge. How am I not getting paid? All right. Well, here's an example. Who's saying this? You don't want to say names.

People are saying it. People are pissed. All right. Well, here's a couple reasons why. One, because I don't get paid until the following week. So anything I pay for that night is I have to go to an ATM. I have to take out money. And I have to fucking go, all right, how much money did I make? Did this sell out?

You don't get paid until when? The following week, usually. Oh. And so then I have to figure out how much money did i kind of make did it sell out ask them right there the door like how much how much okay i could do that if i wasn't doing a live podcast at the same time but anyways uh uh and then i get taxed on all that so everything i make there which is not even the the door i don't get the full door i get like 60 of the door or something like that then i get taxed on it. So that pretty much cuts it in half.

So what my average usually is, is about $200 to $300 I make on a show. I usually spend about $100 giving it to Missing Ladies Comics to $150. And the other $150 to me is like, okay, now I could either not do the show or make $150 for booking a show, advertising a show, and producing a show. Wait, it's $15 a ticket times $80? It's usually $15 when Joe does it and $10 when I do it.

But I give out so many free tickets that it's usually what paper does. Not when Joe does it. I give it out when Joe does it too. Why? You don't have to. I don't have to usually. You do it if you give it away to people you know. That's not giving away free

tickets. That's putting people on the desk. This is what the comedy store does that I like. They split the main room just to one show, but it's nice. The main room, half goes to the comedy store, half goes to the comedians. Let me say something. Here's how you avoid all this ever, forever. Don't actually do the show at all. That's what I want to do.

This is how you avoid all this forever be infallibly generous oh yeah be generous to the point where they can't infallibly do it to the point where they can't argue against it be generous to the point where you're not saying you know i i'm gonna make 150 bucks because i feel like i deserve it because no no no you know what what i want to do you're right i'm you know what that makes me want to do? Not do it at all. I don't give a fuck. Okay, but Brian, that's a very defensive stance, especially when you're talking to me.

No, no, no. And the reason that people are going to the show is because I'm headlining and I'm promoting it on my Twitter. Obviously, it's not a bad thing, man. Look, you should make some money. You should make some money.

You know what? I don't do it for money. I don't want anything to do it for money, but I also don't want to do anything like that for free because I consider that work. Then you're doing it for money. If you don't want to do it for free, then you're doing it for money. You know what? I don't do it for money. I don't want anything to do it for money, but I also don't want to do anything like that for free because I consider that work. Then you're doing it for money. If you don't want to do it for free, then you're doing it for money. Right.

You should be paid. I shouldn't do it. Then, okay, man, listen. You're sounding like a little kid. This is craziness because I'm not being mad at you at all. No, but people are attacking on podcasts. No one here is attacking you, bro. You and I are friends.

We're like brothers, okay? Ari is like a brother. We're all here together. We're trying to talk, but you're like brothers okay Ari's like a brother we're all here together we're trying to talk but you're like really trigger strung and one of the reasons is because you feel

like they're attacking you for this choice and you're trying to defend this choice what I'm saying is the only reason why they even can attack you

is because there is a point of view that they're expressing that may be valid it's the same as South by Southwest where their version is this

like well you should want to be here it's a really fun time. And you're like, yeah, I do want to be there. But it would also be nice if the money you're collecting for these shows in Austin would come to some of us who are doing the shows for you.

I think there's good in having those shows there. I think it's good for the comedy club. I think it's good for the, first of all, the comedians should be getting paid directly to the comedy club, so you don't have to fuck. You could easily do that. You could easily do that.

You should, that's easy. Well, that's what El Pelano did. do see honestly to to me in the past them take each of their checks to me in the past honestly it was more like you know what this isn't how it should be but right now i'm too busy to fucking sit down renegotiate this thing that we started okay well that's honest that's very honest and i never did not i've never not paid anyone on a show meaning there was never a show where I didn't pay anybody. Sometimes, Brian, when you get really mad at something, it's because people are right.

And it doesn't mean that you're a bad person. It means they might have a point and you need to step back. Not all of our actions ever are correct. This is the reason why I'm pissed off at this, or we're originally pissed off at it. Because I first heard of, one of the first things I did was, Duncan did this, and I did it on a live podcast. He blindsided you.

He blindsided me. And while, if you went to DeathSquad.tv, there was a huge fucking link that I did out of the own kindness of my heart. He didn't ask me to. No, no, no. To buy his poster.

Okay, hold on. You have this tendency during an argument to bring up something else you've done nice for a person to then somehow mean, so how dare you bring up this A argument when I've done B and C for you?

It's a separate argument. He's got a very good point. The only reason I would say that is because in the past, I've done a lot for this guy. And instead of just talking to me and going, hey, why don't you do this or that? And I could explain this whole thing I just did to you, and he'd be like, oh, that kind of makes sense. Slow down, slow down, slow down.

No, no, no. Listen, we're going to end this part. We're going to come back and wrap this up because this is too ridiculous. We'll have a little part one and a part two. So let's stop this portion of it, and we'll come back with a very informal five minutes. We'll take a little break, and we'll come right back. But we need to relax and calm this down because this is really getting crazy. Smoking a J will help that. That'll help.

I like the way you think. I like the way you think. So let's pause it right now. Let's thank the Fleshlight. Please go to JoeRogan. So let's pause it right now. Let's thank the fleshlight. Please go to Joe Rogan.net, enter in the code name Rogan and save yourself 15% off number one sex toy for men.

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