The Joe Rogan Experience - #218 - Dom Irrera

Episode Date: May 22, 2012

Joe sits down with Dom Irrera.

the Joe Rogan experience he's got a new fate every time the kids just when you think he can't just he can't add a different flair there's no more flares to add this retardo Montabal over here? I got so much good feedback calling you a retard. It's the cool thing to do. Well, Brian is slightly playing a character on the show, ladies and gentlemen.

It's subtle. It goes in and out. Even I don't know when it's there. I don't recognize it. But he balances me out. Yeah, now you guys are the yin and yang of life that's what we've been trying to form a new band and that's what it was going to be called we guys are the yin and yang of life yin yang twins kind of a long hook yeah that we would have to go to war with the yin yang twins they would kick our ass for for jack in their name

no we could copyright that because they don't have a podcast we do a podcast first called the yin yang twins and then we on the podcast that seems unscrupulous i had no idea this fuck i had no idea this show was this this fucking big i swear to god i mean it's amazing i'm in chicago people coming up to me one guy came to the show he goes man you know i didn't really hear you before but when you did the podcast you and rogan were so fucking funny. I had to come and go, holy shit. You know what I mean? I did the show.

Not like I felt like I was doing you a favor, but you got a show. Of course I want to do it. You know what I mean? But you didn't think that that many people were going to actually listen to it. I had no fucking clue. I'm so retarded. I don't know what the real numbers are right now. It's pretty high, though. And what it is, though, is the difference is they're with you for hours at a time.

And they're comedy people. Yeah. They're people that did comedy. That's a big difference. Yeah. Because like late night shows, nobody gives a fuck. Right. You know what I mean?

It's hard, too. Don't you feel when you do a late night show that you don't even get a chance to really get cooking? You're doing like five minutes or something like that or seven minutes. Oh, man, I can't do it. My mind doesn't function like that or seven minutes ah man i can't do i just my my mind doesn't function like that for a set it's it's really hard to pull off and get a true feeling what the experience of seeing someone live is plus you like like i like just to do some stuff that's just improvisation yeah fuck around oh and my most fun i ever had was on craig ferguson when

he introduced me and gave me the wrong credit he He said, you can see Don with the Denver Comedy Works this week. I said, thanks a lot. What a crack staff you have. I was there last week, but I'm so hot in the business, I have to post-plug things or the place will be stormed, right? And then he said, well, let's just start it over. He came out on stage like, I'm not starting it over. I got a spot at the Lab Factory later.

I can't. I don't have this kind of time. But that was fun because it was real. Right, right, right. You can't do don't have this kind of time but that was fun because it was real right right you can't do that every time but it's to have enough time just to fuck around is odd you know most of the times it's like it's so rigid oh you start with your first bit it just so fucking corny at the desk like we were just saying about the zoo espiness right yeah that's i mean it's cool when someone has a good story you know you get some Nick Nolte character that's got some crazy story.

But for the most part, you're accepting a contrived conversation. Yeah. I mean, I saw an actress on one of the shows. I couldn't watch it, but that's some of the most boring fucking TV there is. And Letterman said, really, they just want to see you. In other words, you're so fucking vapid, just sit here. Don't even worry about talking. You know what I mean?

I'll do the talking. Just sit there because you have nothing to offer. Has Kim Kardashian ever been on Letterman? I don't know. Probably. What talk shows has she been on? She has to be on everything, right? I don't know.

I've never seen her interviewed. It's one of the things that I was marveling at one day. I was like, I don't think I know her voice. She's been on the Lamar Odom Big Cock Show. I don't think I... If the character playing's been in the Lamar Odom Big Cock show. I don't think I... If the character playing her voice was substituted with a new character, I don't know if I would be able to pick it out. No.

I was like, it's amazing that she became super famous without me... I mean, in my world. I know who she is on a regular basis. But without me ever hearing her talk. That's incredible. I might have heard one or two of the commercials or something like that. Maybe I watched one episode of the show. But you know what I'm saying?

Somebody tried to replace your voice. I would go, that's not Dom Herrera. I know what he sounds like. If someone tried to do Jeff Goldblum. I know what Jeff Goldblum sounds like. But I hear your rhythm. I know what Letterman's voice sounds like. But I don't know what her voice sounds like. Here she is on Letterman. You could dump this with a completely differentman's voice sounds like. Yeah. But I don't know what her voice sounds like. Here she is on Letterman.

Like, you could dump this with a completely different person's voice. But she's as famous as, like, what's the chick's name from Friends? Jennifer Aniston. Jennifer Aniston, whose voice is, like, extremely well-known. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, Jennifer Aniston is very specific. And an accomplished actress.

Yeah. What did she ever do? Exactly. Like, it's amazing how famous she's gotten with very little words And an accomplished actress. Yeah. What did she ever do? Exactly. It's amazing how famous she's gotten with very little words. She's 25. 25? Well, she's just a kid and she's getting married.

Was that exciting? Yeah. It was very exciting. That could be a totally fake voice. And I wouldn't know. It can sound nothing like what she sounds like. Maria Brantford could be dubbing her voice. It's amazing how far a human being can go

in the world of fame without ever saying anything. Well, don't you think, like, you know a lot of people... Shoot her, Brian. You turned her into an alien. I should have done this. Wow, she's the actress. My brother Brody was here the other day. Red rum, red rum.

That's the nightmare. She's demonically possessed. This is actually an encoder. He's got a secret decoder ring. And it's deciphering what her real voice actually is. Before Lucifer's powers. Oh, that's scary. Well, that's the freakiest shit.

Why is that demonic when it's just shitty? What did you do for your summer? I went to Africa this summer. This fucking bitch is going to kill me. Diamond Empowerment Fund sent me and my sister and my boyfriend, and we just went to Botswana. It was really cool to see how all the diamonds really helped the country out there. Wait a minute.

What? Back it up. Holy shit. Holy shit. What the fuck did she just say the diamond oh my god that was hilarious holy shit no idea life is not real i'm telling you it's a fucking coen brothers movie and uh my boyfriend and and we just went to Botswana and it was really cool to see how all the diamonds really helped the country out there thinking that people are gonna applaud what was going on there and so every year I like to go on

a vacation out of the country I think that's good to get out and see what's going on but to see I had and believe I am ignorant in most matters a different impression that the diamond industry maybe on a global stage was generating huge sums of money but locally in these countries where they were mine that the people were being exploited did you see that's what I assumed before I went there and so that's kind of why I wanted to go and it's completely the opposite. These diamonds fund the schools and the hospitals.

They fund pretty much the entire country. But I was a little bit disappointed in Africa because I wanted to go see some wildlife animals. And it's like this 24 hour flight. I was so excited to see like giraffes and these crazy animals like lions. I saw a few cubs, but when I get home off of the 24 hour flight in Calabasas, California, my sister and I are driving into my

mom's house and the neighbor is having a little party with giraffes. And we flew 24 hours all the way to Africa to see giraffes. Wild giraffes did not see a thing. We go to Calabasas and they're having a birthday party where to see giraffes. Wild giraffes did not see a thing. We go to Calabasas and they're having a birthday party where they hire giraffes. Where can you get giraffes? How do you get them? Well, I rented a monkey for my mom was a rental. Yes. Okay.

Jesus Christ. The material is funny, Joe. Oh, my God. She's got some good animal stuff. I mean, wow. Does she have a point? I'm really stoned from watching that. Does she have any point at all? I mean, maybe she does have a point.

Her point was that diamonds are good for the whole general population. They pay for the schools and pay for the hospitals. That's what she's saying. I don't know. Maybe they do. And, you know, you can do that and still exploit children. If you had to fucking Kardashian or Aniston, which one? I bet Jennifer Aniston knows how to throw it down.

Yeah. I would imagine she knows how to throw it down. If you could cut off her head. And switch the bodies? No. Which one? Kardashian. If you can cut off her head, why would you want to cut off her head?

No, I'm kidding. I mean, she's... I would want to cut off her head. She's really pretty. She's very pretty. She's so vapid that... I mean, I think she really cares if she's watching this, whether or not I'd want to fuck her or Jennifer Aniston

yeah probably I think Jennifer Aniston would be more fun yeah for sure should take some I think I don't know though I don't know Kim Kardashian does have a porno with a black dude that's a chick

that's willing to go deep sure that's why I think Jennifer Aniston would be great you can't fail to disappoint her exactly that's right yeah um whatever what kind of conversation is this who would you fuck Jennifer Aniston or

well how did it even get under her oh it was like Jennifer Aniston's voice that's what we were talking about it's fucking hard out there for a chick chicks trying to be famous you know if she was doing the same thing that if Kim Kardashian was a guy though and she was doing the same thing that if kim kardashian was a guy though and she was doing what she's doing like she would be like uh especially for

the marriage part like she married for like 72 hours oh yeah to that basketball player right yeah well how long was she married for i think it was a month or something like that but whatever it was you know it's like it's a shame they had it all they that you know, it's like. It's a shame. That you do that and you do it as like a piece of, it's a plot. It's like this is her life all of a sudden becomes theater. And they start introducing false things like false marriages. Like hire some other high profile guy to come in and marry her on this show. And then they break up. And wow, is that what they're doing?

Because if it is what they're doing,'s pretty brilliant it's if you think about what she's done I mean just tactically the way she sort of entered into the entertainment industry like a lot of people get mad they say she's vapid she's this and that but what she is is she's she's been super successful and getting people to pay attention to her it's amazing it's fucking incredible I mean it's it's amazing what you can pull off when you are single-minded and you pursue that and you do it the way she's done it

and obviously you look like her. You know what it reminded me of going back when this kind of point hits you is when the OJ trial and Cato Kaelin went out and did comedy for a while. And for that one brief moment in time, he was more famous than almost any of the comedians. You know, right at the top of the OJ trial, Cato Kaelin was selling out the MGM.

And he was trying to do comedy? Yeah, he did stand-up. Did he do it before? No. No. Oh, that's horrible. Oh, yeah. Well, Charlie Sheen can prove that.

Yeah, Charlie Sheen. Well, you know who did that, who's got fucking balls? I've talked about it before, but's horrible. Oh, yeah. Well, Charlie Sheen can prove that. Yeah, Charlie Sheen. Well, you know who did that? Who's got fucking balls? I've talked about it before, but Charlie Murphy. Charlie Murphy. Oh, I know. Didn't have a lot going on as far as his career, and then got on the Chappelle Show, and he was in his 40s, and then started doing stand-up, and he was famous.

And not only was he famous, he was famous of the brother of one of the greatest stand-ups ever. So he's got Charlie Murphy, his brothers Eddie Murphy, they look alike. And, you know, I mean, he's going out there. Literally, he's done comedy for, like, a couple of months. And he had a close. And he's fucking headlining. Yeah, he had it. Unbelievable.

He's got balls. That guy has fucking balls. We did a month Maxim tour on the road together. And Charlie Murphy, man, he's got fucking balls. That guy, we would alternate headlines. And he'd only been doing comedy. Wait, he couldn't follow you? He did.

He did a couple times. What did he do? He did well. Yeah, my people, first of all, he's a good storyteller. And people love him. And if he's in his right groove, he's just got to be comfortable. When Charlie's comfortable, he's got a couple different gears. When he's comfortable and he's telling a story,

there are very few people in the world as entertaining as that guy. He has this realistic, sort of aggressive, brutal honesty you know but with a cool voice you know he he can tell a fuck out of a story well for brothers of famous people i'll take tony rock tony rock's hilarious he's good he's very funny that guy gets slept on you know i i'd seen him a couple of years ago like way back at Laugh Factory and he was really funny then. He was like promising, you know? No, he's really good.

And then I saw him at the improv like recently and I came up to him after his set and I was like, dude, you got way better. Like that was like really fun to watch.

It's fun to watch a guy that you haven't seen for years and then you see him and you're like, damn, you've been working and he's like, thanks man.

I'm in the gym. I'm in the gym, you know? He's got the right attitude about it. He's fucking good. And it is in the gym. I'm in the gym. I'm in the gym, you know. He's got the right attitude about it. He's fucking good. And it is in the gym. It is in the gym. It's corny as it sounds. For us, it's the gym.

You've got to get on stage. I mean, look at Bill Burr. I mean, I've seen him take strides, and he's so fucking good. Perfect example. Bill Burr was always really funny, but now it's like he's super prolific, too. Now he's just nailing it. You know, he's just like he's super prolific too now he's just nailing it you know he's just like he's constantly putting out new stuff and you go to see him it's you know it's

fun it's like you know i agree with him i don't agree with him i'm still laughing he says something completely ridiculous and over aggressive i'm still laughing you know it's fucking great it's just it's he's uh he's one of the last of the Boston comics. You know, that real like intelligent but like still manly aggressive sort of comedians. There was a lot of guys like that in Boston.

Lenny Clark and that whole group. You know, that was one of the things that Dane Cook and I were talking about once about growing up and doing stand-up together in Boston was that those guys were men. They were fucking like Lenny Clark. Oh yeah, they were tough guys. They were comedians. They were like Nebuchadnezzar problems with their mother. They were

animals. Lenny Clark was a fucking savage when I met him. I met Lenny right after you guys did didn't you do the HBO comedy special? Yeah, the Rodney Dangerfield. I got a chance to open. He was the second guy I ever got paid to open for. I used to forget about the first guy and pretend he was the first for a while.

First time I ever got paid, I opened up for Lenny Clark. It sounds good, but it was really the second time. First time was a guy named Warren McDonald. He was actually a very funny guy, too. But I worked with him right after he just got done doing the Rodney special. Oh, my God. He's a fucking animal. Such balls.

Oh, he was an animal. We were up in Seattle to see the NCAAs. And these guys, they were fucking drinking all day. I can't. I mean, Don Gavin, all them. And we're at a party, and this CBS guy comes up to me, and he says, I'm a big fan of yours. And I didn't have a ticket. Lenny's at, like, Jackie Gleason, bigger than life.

He goes, hey, if you're such a big fucking fan get him a ticket to the game the guy goes oh okay you know sheepishly like what's he gonna do what is that movie that uh i think it's fran salamita did that movie on oh yeah boston comedy yeah how do you spell fran salita? I don't know. R-F-R-Z. Yeah. Oh, when stand-ups, Fran Solomita, when stand-ups stood out, which is a great documentary on stand-up comedy and about the one town, about Boston and what it was like back then. And it's a really

accurate depiction because there's a lot of old video. Old video of Lenny Clark and those guys and Jimmy Tingle and talking about the Ding Ho. The Chinese restaurant was the first place. Man, I was right after that wave. Those

guys were the big established headliners right when I was becoming an open mic-er. They were good to me, too, because they could bury people if they wanted to. Nick's was tough. Well, you know, for the people that don't know, Dom was one of the only guys I'd ever paid to see do comedy after I was a comedian. There was only like a few guys once I became a comedian, like once I had done open mic nights.

But I went to see you. Do you remember how much it cost to see me? I wish I did. Did you bring a date? I went to see you a couple times. Did I get you laid too? I went to see you before I ever did stand-up, I'm pretty sure. It was either before or right before or right when I was doing it.

But I went to see you, and you didn't make the flight. Something happened. Really? And Dennis Leary was in your place. It was the first time I ever saw Dennis Leary. He fucking destroyed. Yeah, Dennis was always good.

Back then, he was on fire. He was my favorite comedian for six months until I saw Bill Hicks and I was like, what the fuck is going on here? See, I didn't see as much as other people did

with the parallels. Bill was a friend of mine, but yeah. Bill had a funny joke about it, though. He actually went back in time and did the jokes before, stole them, then went back in time and did them before and added punchlines. Right, right. I don't know.

I think I butchered the quote, but when they asked him, like, who stole it from who. You know what my nightmare was about the HBO thing, about Roddy Dangerfield, was I'd rather not get a compliment than the compliment I would get. I'd have somebody come up to me and go, man, you're my favorite on that show.

Beat you and that guy Dice. Don't fucking compliment me if you're going to compare us. See, you have always had a problem with Dice, and you and Dice have actually gotten into it. But when I was a kid, man, I was a fucking huge fan of Dice. Oh, yeah, you were a kid. I don't think there's anything wrong. I like his comedy.

It doesn't bother me. I like it. His comedy doesn't bother me. I just don't like him. You don't like him? Yeah. I never have a bad problem with him. I've never had any issues with him.

I can't be a 50, 60-year-old Fonz. See, I look at him, I think he's a character. You look at him and it's like he's some guy who disrespected you or something. Something happened, right? There's only three comedians I hate. Let me guess one. Billy Crystal. I don't consider him a comedian.

What is that about? Because I heard there was... Billy Crystal is such don't consider him a comedian. What is that about? Because I heard there was... Billy Crystal was such an asshole to me. Really? I was, you know, and he's always been really nice to me. But he was with De Niro, and I was hosting this thing for Comedy Central, and we're doing a review of that shit movie, Analyze That. Remember the first one was good, Analyze This?

It was the De Niro movie. And then the second one wasn't good? Yeah, but all of a sudden he's buddying up with De Niro and he starts acting condescending towards me. So I fucked with him right away. I go, Billy, are you hosting the Academy Awards this year? He goes, I don't know why. I said, can you mention me to the people

at the Academy? He goes, for what? I go, I don't know, some kind of award. You figure it out. Then he realized I had duped him you figure it out yeah he lost his sense of humor right yeah he got too cool but i mean you know he was always all right but in that situation you lost his sense oh yeah well he was trying to act like him and deniro were these dear friends. I'm thinking, this is Robert De Niro

sitting next to you. Come on, Billy. You're Billy Crystal. People. People love to be friends with someone like De Niro. You can put that shit on your resume. Hey, I'm going over Bobby D's house for barbecue this weekend. I did a reading with him. Gross. Rarely do I get impressed.

Blah! Can you imagine someone saying that to you and wearing like a running track suit. Fuck that noise. Those like fake Italian immigrants. These immigrants to California from the East Coast. Fake Italian dudes. We're always connected.

You know, the guys were always trying to break into acting. Fake tough guy dudes. Right, right. Go to Bobby D's house. Yeah. Go guide that Bobby D. Yeah, who else?

Who else is it really? Sean Connery. If you could say you're friends with Sean Connery. I'm going fly fishing with Sean Connery, actually. Well, that's people who have to drop even like countries. Yeah, I got these nice shoes. Yeah, I got them in France. That makes it a fucking big deal.

Oh, you got them in France. Would you be friends with, what's his face? The guy from Pulp Fiction? Shit, that's, oh my God, I just had a brain fart. John Travolta? Yeah, John Travolta. I think he'd fuck you. I think if you're friends, that's what happens.

He fucks you. Somebody, I heard on some radio station that. What a pal. What's the other guy that was in Greece that recently died from a drug overdose? Was it Knicky? Or not. Was it Knicky? Greece that recently died of a drug overdose?

Yeah, the other main guy in Greece that was in celebrity rehab. Oh, is he the guy that was in from taxi? Yeah. Is that the guy? Oh, shit. Because I think you're talking about Jeff something or another. The one that just recently died. I don't know.

I don't know that guy's name. I don't know. I'll look it up. I had heard that. See, I've only really watched Celebrity Rehab once, and I get depressed. I don't like watching people that are falling apart. I don't like taking in that vibe. You know?

I mean, occasionally I like to know it's... Jeff Conway. Know what... Jeff Conway. Is that the guy? Yeah, he said that he actually spent the night once at his house.

Supposedly, this is what I heard on the radio, that he went over there to spend the night at his house and he crashed and he woke up and he was fondling him. Like, just...

Oh, Jesus. Who was fondling him? Travolta? Travolta was fondling him. Oh, Jesus. And then Mike... I hate that. Don't you hate when you wake up and one of your friends Is playing with your balls?

You wake up and the dude from Pulp Fiction is sucking your dick Oh god Really? Will you leave me alone? Mike Wallace, I heard that Mike Wallace from whatever the Enquirer is Or whatever he works for That released all this shit

They asked him Is this shit said like they asked him you know like is this shit fake are you guys just trying you know are these people really telling the truth and they're like do we give them lie detector tests we fucking like go and check like if they say any detail like going to like hotels or something like that they they get it uh this was on the howard stern show that that he said this wow and stuff like that then that all these people are all telling the truth like all of them. And all these people are all telling the truth, like all of them. So all these masseuses are all telling the truth? Yeah.

Yeah, is that crazy? Well, who knows? We don't know. We don't have an official stance on this. Oh, I don't. Joe Rogan Experience Podcast, nor Brian Redman. I'm just regurgitating what I've been hearing. I happen to know, but I'm not talking.

Oh. Dom, you know what I'll be talking to you about? Tell us about the time that you worked as a masseuse for the Hollywood elite. I'm not talking. You know what I'll be talking? June 30th at the Tropicana in Atlantic City. That's when I'll be talking. Those big manly hands that you have, I bet you would give a good massage.

My hands are very soft. Are they? Yeah. They could toughen up quickly. You know what would be a good good show is dom and joey diaz dressed up as women like bosom buddies but with them you know i never thought i'd say this i never thought i'd say this but i'd be the hot one it would be awesome if it was like Golden Girls, maybe throwing another person. Oh.

Oh. I like seeing people like Joey because it makes me feel not as fat. I'm not that fat. Yeah, I do a joke about like, no matter how chaotic my life is, when I'm hanging around with Joey Diaz, I'm like, I'm fine. It's just like a balancer, a leveler. He's your canary in the coalary. Yeah, he's my canary in the coal mine. I love Joey, and I always love to know what he's thinking.

When he has that look on his face. Joey Diaz could just read the newspaper and have you crying and laughing. Just point out anything. I've never met a dude who makes me laugh like that guy does on a consistent basis. He gets fucking crazy. He'll get crazy about ketchup. This ain't fucking ketchup, Joe Rogan.

When I was Cuban back in Jersey, we had fucking ketchup. It was real ketchup. This is some watery bullshit. It doesn't taste like... He'll get fucking angry. No, Heinz is actually pretty good. Get the fuck out of here.

Heinz. You fucking momos buying up Heinz. Joe, I just got off The road with him right And in one of the hotels We stayed at Had a business there He was like come on

You gotta go to the Business center with me And just watching him Sit here checking his Thingmajiggers Like look at that picture Like he's just sitting there Like with his glasses on

Doing the computer system I worked with him At the Miami I worked with him At the Miami Improv And the whole day He hung at the club So he could use the phone.

Really? Just to make local calls. He could fucking do it from the room, but he chose to do it from the club. He used to, yeah, he used to not even have a cell phone. Yeah. For the longest time, Joey just had a pager. When everybody else had a cell phone, Joey still had a pager. Yeah.

He would just, you would never be able to find him. Dude, now he's embraced it, man. He has the number one fucking CD on iTunes. Comedy. That's crazy. He's gone completely digital. Really? Yeah.

We got Joey on Twitter, and then Joey started really getting into it. For a while, like, fuck this MySpace, Facebook. The fuck am I doing online? Yeah. And then after, well, I'm not sending you a fucking text message, Joe Rogan. Remember, you had a whole video about you sending him text messages, and he would get angry. We made a video about it. It was one of the earliest videos.

They were called, that was a Death Squad one, right? What number was it? No, that was Joey Diaz, Ready to Die. Oh, Joey Diaz, Ready to Die. God damn it. If you can find that, is that online somewhere? Yeah. What's his health?

Yeah, it's fucking, it's a brilliant, brilliant video. What's his health like, Joe? Is he alive? He's a science project. If Joey Diaz just sits you down and goes over all the substances, dog, all the years, all the Pink Floyd albums I listened to, motherfucker, if he wouldn't go over his history, you'd be like, there's no way he could be alive. How is this guy?

How is it possible? It's unfair. He's healthy as a horse. Joey Diaz is a fucking savage. He'll live to be 1,000. It's amazing, isn't he? Everything. High school football players die on a field from dehydration.

Then you get guys who wake up every day and think, how can I kill myself today? And they're still alive. Well, Joey's really healthy now. He lost a lot of weight, too. He lost like 80 pounds. He lost a lot of weight because he got real big for a while. And it sucked because we would go places. We would go to the airport.

And he hated when he had a long walk to the rental car. Oh, that's a bad sign. Yeah. He was getting big. But he didn't want to do it with surgery He just did it with his will he just got on Weight Watchers and slowly shed it away He could definitely watchers on the road though. How do you cook the shit? No, I think it's like they give you like a point system I think the way it works is like, you know pizza is X amount of points and this is that amount of points

He gets so many points a day and points and this is that amount of points you get so many points a day and uh they have it broken down where really healthy things are like very few points like i think like celery is like zero point you could just eat celery by itself because that's mostly water yeah you can't even it actually is really good for it cleans your cleans your poop shoot out oh that's good it's tremendous speaking of travolta i uh i drank this kale shake that has a lot of celery. It has five stalks of celery in it. So I take every day five stalks of celery. Five stalks of celery, a big bushel, a big fucking leaf of kale,

pears, garlic, ginger, and it grinds it all up. And makes it like a soupy, like pea soup. Very much like pea soup. Were you in a cover of a magazine? I was on a cover of, like pea soup. Very much like pea soup. Were you in a cover of a magazine? I was on a couple of martial arts magazines. Martial arts, yeah. I haven't seen that. I want to see it.

You were like split in half? You were like doing a split? On one of them, yeah. I think I was throwing a... No, you know what? On the black belt one, no. I was just standing there like a douchebag. You were posing like...

I looked really stupid. I should have never let them make me pose like that like once you like cross your arms look at the camera like you're very serious so that's what i did and i was like ew i suppose what message is that i should be smiling do you think you could beat the two of us if we just like charged you right now i would hope i would never have to know yeah how douchey do i look and look at your old tattoo right there. It's so cute. My poor tattoo. It's still there.

I got to get it lasered off to finish my right sleeve, the Aaron DeLaVadova sleeve. That's graphics bong, right? No, no, no. It was like a thing that I drew. It was like a demon with a Jester's mask on it. It's so crazy because I always thought it was the graphics bong. I was like, damn, that dude loves fucking Wii. It's so stupid.

It's such a stupid little tattoo. Well, an artist i actually drew that you know and when i was a kid i used to draw a lot of uh demons with like hats and demons like demons with baseball hats on and shit like standing over little kids beds i used to draw some creepy shit and And I drew that, and so that was my first tattoo. I just noticed it says, Joe Rogan proves fear is not a factor. Yeah. How young were you, Joe? I guess I was in my early 30s. Yeah. Yeah, because Fear Factor went on for like six years.

Were you still in your 20s when I met you? Yes. Yeah, when we met, I was really young. You and I met when we did Montreal together. We did Showtime. That's right. I think I was only like 24 or 25. And then we met in New York at the David Brenner's Pool.

Yeah, yeah. We played pool together. We met at Amsterdam. And Dom's one of the few. I brought my cue today. Dom's one of those guys we threaten to play each other like once a month. That's what we always say. We try to do it. But sometimes we'll go like years.

Did you just show me something? Oh, that's the one I was talking about. Now, if I was a gay man. Holy shit. I'd be into me. I just did a new thing for this Fighters Only magazine. Just did a more recent one where I don't look as good. What's the last fight you've been in? Like a real fight?

Like a fist fight? Like a street fight. Not since I was a teenager. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I avoid everything. Yeah, you should got to. You kill people the way you should. Or you get stabbed or shot.

Or guess what? There's a lot of people out there that know how to fight. They might beat your fucking ass. Yeah. You know? The idea of going around and getting in fights with people, it's like most, almost everything

we can get along without that. Almost every situation in life can get along without someone beating the fuck out of somebody. Almost everyone. Well, that's what I was saying today. And when it's not, when you can't get along without it, it's like, well, you're in the presence

of some sort of a dangerous, scary person who's not thinking clearly. You know, otherwise. You think Brian, like, who do you think would win that fight? Brian, he would just quit right away. Get out of breath? He has this move. Are you ticklish? I don't know.

He has this move. I mean, seriously. Like, if I go over there and just give you a little tickle. I never got tickled by a guy. What if I just give you a little tickle right now? Seriously, if I go over there and just give you a little tickle. I never got tickled by a guy. What if I just give you a little tickle right now? He just drops his pants, and he opens up his butt,

and the vision is so horrific, and his shirt falls down into his armpits, so his gut hangs down, and he's just opening up his asshole as wise can be. You'll just run away. You'll just run away. You won't want none of that. Okay.

What he's willing to do to you, and then you come close to him, he'll try to lick you or something. It's like you don't want that. You don't want that. He'll just grab your face and just start licking you. I'm glad I asked. He'll tongue kiss you.

He would tongue kiss you to get out of trouble. He would tongue kiss you. He would just grab you and just start making out with you. And you would run. You would run. You know, every animal has its own way of defending itself and its environment. You know, like octopus, they blend in. They become camouflaged, right?

Yes. There's a lot of animals, they blend in with the reef. Right, Dom Rivera? Yes, that's right. That's why Nemo is so brightly colored. Is that why? So Nemo could blend in with the reef. I was hoping we'd get the Nemo by this point in the show.

I assume that's a beautiful fish. Why would nature want something so brightly colored? Because it's cute. It's pretty fucking bizarre, man, when you think about the colors that nature has chosen and stuck with as far as designs of things. Like tigers, like a big, giant, crazy killing machine that's beautiful

with white and different stripes to it. It's not just like, why does it have to have different stripes to it? It's not just like, why does it have to have different stripes to it? It's obviously just fucking things up. That's all this thing does. It's not worried about anybody. That thing has no natural predators, so it's completely fearless.

So it's expressing itself as boldly as it wants to. It's not hiding from shit. It's on the apex of the predators. But why is it so beautiful? Why is it colored like that? Like, what benefit of natural selection was it that the tigers that made it to maturity and lived the longest and decided to, you know,

outbreed the others were the ones that were brightly colored and beautiful? That's wild, man. You know how we find new species all the time? Wouldn't it be cool if we found, like, new colors once in a while? Like, we just found this new color. It would blow your mind. Yeah, like like if they just figure out like something that they can add

like hard disk space to your optical nerves yeah and all of a sudden you see a broader spectrum of colors or just a different color like like imagine because we grew up with all these colors but if you just threw a new color into the mix and it blew all the charts you know it's amazing that you guys smoke doesn't seem to affect you i mean is it possible that there could be another color i don't know enough about color i don't know because we have this whole graph like the color wheel and rainbows and shit to like go on as proof and like that's the only thing that's colored a spectrum but what if we there's something just throws a wrench into that mix and now you're like, oh. I mean, that has to have happened throughout history, right?

Where they thought they had shit figured out. How about those assholes that were using leeches? How the fuck did that ever happen? The bloodletting. They had doctors that were using leeches. They had gone to doctor school and leeches appeared to help.

How about bloodletting, Joe? The worst thing you can fucking do for a sick person is let more blood out. Lobotomy. And they thought there was bad blood inside of them. Yeah, yeah. Poison blood. There was so much stupidity when it came to the human anatomy and how to fix things. They used to use leeches on black eyes for fighters.

Oh, Jesus. They did. On the swollen eye, they put a leech. It would suck the blood out. Do you remember in Rocky that he couldn't see out of his eyes? Cut me, Mick. He actually asked him to cut him? Yeah.

Cut me, Mick. Cut me. What kind of nonsense is that? I've done that during sets. But isn't that ridiculous? Like, no one's ever done that. No. Why'd they put that in the movie?

God damn it. Sly. I want some answers. Come on. Burgess Meredith is dead dead that guy is fucking way bigger than everybody says he is i am so tired of everybody telling me that sylvester stallone is like this little tiny guy like people have this some weird thing to take guys like him and tom cruise go yeah well he's only five foot one yeah right yeah well maybe he's got fucking

billions and maybe he looks good at 70 but but he's only fucking 5'3". But he does wear heels. I'm 5'8", and he's bigger than me. But he wears heels. He's not really. Whatever he's wearing. I'm telling you. He's a big guy.

I've met him a few times. His physical width, like, that's a thick dude, man. Can I tell you what he said to me, which is fucking hilarious? What did he say to you? Well, I met him at this thing. The name drop was Bruce Willis was opening in Montreal for a plan in Hollywood. And very nicely, though, he comes up to me and I'm with Sophie and he goes, hey, Dom, I'm Sly.

I don't know if I met you in Paul Reiser's thing. And I go, yeah, Sly, I remember you. I'm thinking in the back of my head, I'm thinking, this is fucking Rocky. This is Rambo. Do I remember you? Are you fucking kidding me? I got a chance to interview him for one of the UFCs. I think it was before the Expendables or one of his movies.

And I got a chance to interview him. And I was like, this is crazy, man, because when I was a kid, I mean, how many people have told him this story? I saw his movie, and then I went out, and I ate raw eggs and ran around the block. Trying to catch a chicken. I ate raw eggs. I did the block trying to catch a chicken I ate raw eggs I did just like he did it I put on a sweatsuit and I ran around the block like a fucking idiot I was so inspired I hadn't done any martial arts

training at all at this point you know what it was the perfect movie for that kind of inspiration yeah those all you know it was so interesting how touching that simple movie could be. Yeah. We love watching someone try to pull something off. People love underdogs.

Yeah. I don't know if you know this, but the UFC light heavyweight champ, Jon Jones, just got into a car accident. Do you know about this? No. He's okay. He was drunk, though. And apparently, allegedly, the story is that he's at least they arrested him for DUI.

Okay. I don't know whether or not he was drunk. I don't know the full particulars of the story. But so many people are like shitting on this kid, you know, and angry with him, as they should be for anybody who's driving drunk. And anybody who loses control of their car and crashes into a tree. But I think there's a little extra venom about this guy because he's so successful, because he he's like it's come so easy to him and it's not easy. Obviously, it's hard work, but he's been like dominating all these people and I think we like to shoot people down when

they get too big like so look for the first flaw and this and make no mistake about it there's no like apology for what he's done because what he's done scares the fuck out of me the one thing that I'm terrified of is finding you know myself on the road and seeing someone who's drunk coming towards who doesn't have control of their car. It's a terrible feeling. And we've seen drunks on the highway before. It's a scary, scary fucking thing.

So this guy loses control of his car and slams into a pole. Whatever the fuck caused him to do that, that's bad. That's fucking real bad. But I think people are also chipping away at this dude as a human because he's been so successful so quick. And because he sort of tries to promote himself as a God-fearing man. He tries to promote himself as a good Christian. And because of that, when he makes a mistake and does something fucked up, people really go after him. Because it's very difficult when you set a big example and you want to set an amazing path for kids. And then you do something.

You say that's what you're doing and you say you're going to be a hero for these kids. And then, boom, you have this horrible situation well everybody's waiting for tim tebow to fail well yeah they're waiting for him to get pictures of him fucking a goat or something you know i mean they would love that look i think it's it's the whole thing is a it's a fucking tragedy and on the human the human personality the human the individual that allows themselves to get to a situation where they smash a car into a tree because they're fucked up on a drug. Yeah. It's scary because you're taking all of our lives at risk, too, with your craziness.

I just don't drive since DUI. I had a DUI. I don't fucking drive. I don't drive since DUI. I had a DUI. I don't fucking drive. The appeal of Rocky is the same appeal that we all want to see somebody rise up and stop the unstoppable. Beat up a black guy. And when someone's really good, we want him to fail.

We secretly wanted Tyson to fail before he failed. And then when he failed, there was like a weight lifted off the world of like a million men. You like to see the bully knocked down. Yeah. And they're never the same. He was never the same after that. He never fought the same. He never had the same confidence. I think you could only maintain that sort of pace that he was

doing. Depending upon your personality, but it can only go for a few years. The amount of rage It was menacing wasn't it oh he was the best ever he would come here you know everybody wants to say but ali ali was a great fighter no doubt about it tyson was better i really think tyson was better i think tyson in his prime like the marvis frazier prime i don't think i don't think ali would have been able to keep him off i was i was ringside on when he fought Michael Spinks in Atlantic City.

It was like upjump the devil. It was like smoke was coming out of his nostrils. He took shit to a whole new level. It was unbelievable. There was a bunch of guys. This was like, you know, I was a big boxing fan in high school. And this was around that time that Tyson sort of rose to prominence. Like right when I was getting out of high school.

It was like the cover of Sports Illustrated. They called him Wonder Kid. And he was 19 years old yeah yeah and he was just fucking smashing people can you imagine when he was like robbing purses oh that's scary that would have been oh my god he was such a an amazing specimen but he's also intelligent and just but the physical speed that guy had while maintaining you, 200, whatever pounds he was, was incredible. We'd never had anybody that could punch that fast. The Marvis Frazier fight is one of the worst maulings in a professional heavyweight fight ever, of all time.

I'll tell you what was bad. Randall Cobb, when he got beat by Larry Holmes. That wasn't as bad. But we wanted him to go down. We were all friends with him. Go down, Randall. Go down. I know he couldn't, but it was horrible.

That was a ferocious beating. But you know what he did after that? He went into school and got a master's degree. That guy got out of boxing, did acting. I don't know if he suffers anything from his career. Yeah, he does. You talk to him, and he repeats himself. There's no way around that, man.

Then you'll talk to him and he'll repeat himself. There's no way around that man then you'll talk to him and repeat himself there's no way around that that's scary shit you know uh getting getting struck in the head on a repeated basis and there's a lot of guys that um that that suffer what they call pugilistic of dementia yeah a lot of guys suffer it they never even go pro just guys who have good gym fights well you know may may ali you know her yeah yeah and she would tell me she goes because my father knows everything that's going on. His body's just failing him. But his mind is right there.

He's like trapped in his body. Could you imagine, man? Well, you know, that's what cracks me about the football thing with like all the research they're doing on concussions. Of course they're concussions. Of course. Of course. Every 40 seconds, they're like in a car accident. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, I don't know if it's that much but it's it's pretty horrendous yeah if you look at some of those that's football they used to call them dingers what's the biggest linebacker they have now who's the biggest i don't know i don't know the biggest give me like a give me a big big fucking scary guy like six five uh for a linebacker 270 270 that'd be pretty big you know but, that's the thing. You have to remember they're fucking fast. And they're hitting you with a lot of speed. And they're super athletes.

Yeah. You know, Herschel Walker's still beating the fuck out of people. Do you know that? 48 years old. He was a phenomena. Yeah. A freak combination of a guy who's completely driven is a natural super athlete. Plus a multiple personality.

He has incredible discipline. He had multiple personalities, too. He came in with different personalities in therapy. You heard about that, right? Yeah, I did hear about that. How fucking crazy is that? Wasn't that supposedly trauma-induced? Oh, I don't know.

I thought that that was one of the issues, that this was something related to his football career. Yeah, that I don't know. But I just know that imagine him coming in as Big Sue. Oh, Jesus Christ. Hi, Big Sue. How are you feeling today? I'm going to look this up. What, multiple personality?

Yeah. You know what I think it is? All of a sudden I'm a therapist. But it's not a psychosis. It's an erotic disorder. Erotic? Erotic. No, neurotic.

Oh, I thought you said erotic. I was like, hey, Dom. I find that very erotic disorder. Erotic? No, neurotic. Oh, I thought you said erotic. I was like, hey, Dom. I find that very erotic. My big skin, I just listened to this year. Oh! Oh, dig! Multiple personality trauma-induced. Is that what it says?

No, I'm Googling that. Sorry. But I believe it did have something to do with that. Yeah, trauma-induced. Yeah. No it. Yeah. Trauma induced. Yeah. No kidding. Yeah. This sort of usually has its roots in childhood trauma.

So it could be emotional trauma, too. Could be that. Like Sybil had that. Yeah. Okay. Remember Sybil? Yes. Very dear friend of mine.

Her and Bobby D and I used to get brunch hey stepford wives at the beverly hills hotel um yeah okay yeah well he's talking also about how he became a completely different guy when he was playing that's wow brought out his rage, right? Yeah, he said, his exact quote was, you don't want the Herschel that plays football babysitting your child. Isn't that crazy? I'll punt that baby. Could you imagine that coming out of Herschel Walker's mouth? How scary that would be?

No. You do not want the Herschel that plays football babysitting your child. Even though he would think of that, it's scary. Yeah, well, he's ruthless. I mean, I think to get that good at something, like as good as Herschel Walker was at football, I really do believe that madness and excellence are just next door neighbors. I really do.

I think in order to hit the levels of proficiency that those guys hit, like the true greats, like a guy like Jordan. Jordan's a good example because he's fucking crazy. He's one of those guys example because he's fucking crazy. Yeah, of course. He's one of those guys, like when he did his acceptance speech for the Hall of Fame, he was complaining about people who rejected him.

Like instead of taking it going, hey, I'm number one, he became angry at it. Wow, that's so crazy. Yeah. Yeah, well, there's a lot of people that, you know, they never find peace. Their life is always chasing something, chasing, win, chasing a victory, chasing whatever the fuck it is. Don't you love that about stand-up, Joe? We can get better until we get fucking conked on the head. It's true.

But no matter what Jordan does, no matter what nutrition he can go visit, the monks in Nepal, nothing's going to make him Michael Jordan again. Yeah, the physical body wanes a lot quicker than the mind. But we're going to be shitting our pants and dying in fear just like him. Hey, he'll be walking me. He'll come and visit me at the home before he'll come and visit you.

Who knows how we all go, but it's not going to be good. But Herschel Walker is at 48 years old. He's fucking shredded. Shredded. I don't know if he's going to fight again, but he's had a bunch of MMA fights. I think he's had three. He's the one that used to do 2,000 sit-ups and 1,000 push-ups. Yeah, he still does.

He still does that crazy shit. He does all calisthenics. He's just a freak. He's so goddamn strong. He takes these guys like... He's good. He's physically talented. I know he's like a black a black belt in some martial art karate or taekwondo or something along those lines so he physically knows how to kick and punch and then you know he's been training at aka which is a big gym up in san jose one of the like big gyms in the country as far as mma is concerned like josh koshek came out there, John Fitch, a lot of good guys,

like real good, Gilbert Melendez, no, excuse me, Josh Thompson, rather, came out of there, Gilbert Melendez and him just fought this past weekend, a fucking incredible fight. Holy shit, that was amazing. When do you announce a fight again? This weekend, this upcoming weekend. Where is it? Vegas. Fuck, I love it.

I think you're so fucking good at that. It's fun. Well, thanks. I don't want to make it the Sammy Moreland show, but you really break it down, and you make people understand it. I told you that before. It's so much fun,

because you're enthusiastic, but you know what you're talking about, but you're not above. I don't even know what the fuck some guys are talking about. He threw a right clasanga. Yeah, there's a little of that that goes on where it gets real sports specific. He hit him with the 3-2 and dig in with the 5.

Come on, man. How many motherfuckers out there watching at home know what a 5 is? I don't know. Punches are 1 is the jab, 2 is the straight right hand, 3 is the left hook, 4 is the right uppercut. Depending on who's 6'5". I don't know. It's probably a liver hook. I Okay. Three is a left hook. Four is a right uppercut. Depending on who's system. I don't know. It's probably a liver hook. I don't know.

I don't even know what it is. You can't go that far and not tell me the five, Joe. They'll go as far as trying too hard. You get a lot of sports guys that do that. They try too hard to use the correct phrases. Right, right. They'll say exotic shape, but they'll get it wrong. This is a Kimura.

What's no, no, that's an Americana. It's completely, you know, it's different situation. See how the grip is. It's totally different, but you know,

they're, they're calling it out anyway. Cause it sounds like the, the cool sports guy thing to know that the, the, the Omoplata is a good one. There's a guy named, I don't know how to say that.

There's a guy named Walt Frazier. Who's an old guy. He's played for the Knicks and he announces Knicks games and he does that. Yeah. It was, you know, and he does that. He does it. It was, you know, juxtaposition of the imperialistic. Get out of here, bitch. Come on. Is there anything grosser?

Remember when Dennis Miller used to make references, like, to the Tigers and Euphrates River? Yeah. These fucking guys in Pittsburgh are watching a game drinking. But what you talking about? The what? Dennis Miller had the weirdest act going on for a long time. But this was when he was

on monday night football i'm talking about oh yeah he well he pissed a lot of people off on that didn't he yeah because he was trying to like insert jokes into it yeah but i mean also with his references and you know they're like one time i did i enjoy his first two uh specials oh he's a good comedian like his first he before he became all crazy right winger he got a little deep end well after 9-11 ish he went a little deep end after 9-11-ish. He went a little pro-Bush-ish. But you go back to his earlier stuff. He's fucking a very funny comic.

You know what's amazing? I was asking a writer, and you know the guy. I won't say him on the air. But he wrote for Dennis, Jon Stewart, and Bill Maher. And he said by far Dennis was the most decent guy to work with. He's a great guy to talk to. I've done his radio show a few times. He's a great guy to talk to. I've done his radio show a few times. He's a great guy to talk to.

Yeah, he is. You know, I would – there's a lot of guys that I enjoy talking to. There's a guy named Sam Harris that I had on the podcast. He's very much like – I thought he was – he's a brilliant dude, but he shares a lot of like – a lot of the same sort of uh ideas that a lot of right-wing people share like about like the the good ideas about war and the good things that we're doing by going over to these other countries and ignoring and minimalizing all the bad shit and ignoring and minimalizing all the damage that it does to these societies and the fact that people are profiting from it.

See, I would just like it explained to me. Like the way you're saying you explain martial arts or AMA, I would just like somebody to explain to me why we're in Afghanistan, what the whole purpose is. I don't know. I still don't fucking know. It's a massive mind fuck. If you really sit down with someone who tells you on one side that it's an important thing as far as stabilizing that region

and keeping al-Qaeda from getting a stronghold and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you can listen to that and you go, wow, okay, I see the point. Maybe our military is working hard to keep us safe, and they know better than us, and that's why they're there, know they know there's a threat there but then when you look at it on the other side and you go you know you talk to someone who is uh very educated in the history of the ways of this country and they explain to you what's most likely going on is that there's resources over there that we need to control whatever the fuck it is yeah the russians couldn't beat them they could walk there yeah you know well we're apparently we're supposed to leave now you know that's what obama's saying you know obama's having

these things while he's running for re-election where he's sitting down with karzai who by the way karzai's brother uh got he got somehow or another he got busted so being in cahoots with the the uh the opium dealers uh down in afghan, and he was getting CIA money. So this guy was working with the opium trade, getting CIA money. And he's the brother of the president of Afghanistan. Of course. It's all crooked.

But it's amazing how you don't even have to look for it. It's not like six degrees at Kevin Bacon. It's like his fucking brother is in the heroin business. There's no degrees. It's right there. You know what, man? I don't know. I don't know.

I look at both sides, both arguments. The pro argument is very shaky, in my opinion. And I can understand the Saddam Hussein paranoia, but the Afghanistan... My brother Joe's a colonel in the Marines. I think the thing is the worried about Al-Qaeda taking control of the area, the Taliban taking control of the resources. Apparently, the idea is that there's a lot of money to be made in that country. They don't have oil, though.

They have a lot of minerals. A lot of minerals. Trillions of dollars in minerals. And there's natural gas. That's what the Soviets were trying to control. And then there's the opium trade. People don't want to believe it, but the reality is the poppies, the production,

has gone up through the fucking roof since America occupied. All the statistics are available online. You can look at it. People don't want to believe it, but they're not stopping it. No one in the United States that goes over there, none of those army guys are stopping the production

of poppies. In fact, they're guarding poppy fields, and that's a fact. Americans are guarding poppy fields? Guarding poppy fields. That's hilarious. People don't believe it. Brian, pull that shit up, because we've had this on the podcast before. Unfortunately, if people have heard about this before, it's a nutty situation.

I don't, and a lot of that stuff, you know, I don't know what they use it for. If it's for pharmaceutical drugs, which that is a legitimate use for that stuff. Or if it's getting sold right into the heroin market. I don't fucking know. But to pretend that this isn't a factor, that these trillions of dollars, oh, please, conspiracy theory, blah, blah, blah.

You're talking about something that generates just fucking insane amounts of money. Insane amounts of money. And I wonder how much pressure something like this, like some sort of a business venture like this, has on the introduction and the legalization of other drugs in this country? You know, the only way they could pull off a heroin deal like this is if heroin's illegal. So everything gets moved in under the table. Everything gets snuck in through, you know, prearranged shipping routes.

Everything's clandestine. You know, that's really the only way to to do it because otherwise other people are going to do it are we still getting opium from afghanistan of course we are how does it get through where's it going well look they're making 90 plus percent of the world's opium in afghanistan 90 plus percent there's that's that's insane i mean just that number alone is almost like a joke. It's almost like this is a comic book. And we find out that the bad guy lives in a place where all the opium is.

And we got to let these people grow. The bad guy is the opium. How about that? The opium takes care of the schools, just like in Botswana, the diamonds. You want to find the enemy in Afghanistan? It's heroin. That's the enemy. But if you like it, go for it.

Especially if you're a musician. Because they make good shit when they're on heroin. A lot of them do. Eric Clapton was best when he was on heroin. I mentioned Hendrix before, but apparently I've been corrected that Hendrix didn't do heroin until

after he made his music. He put out his studio albums and then he started fucking around with heroin. Is that what he died on? No, he died on a bunch of shit, man. There's a lot of people that believe that he was murdered. Like his former manager was a roadie, and the roadie just released a book about it.

The roadie, I think, was also in a band himself when he was younger, like The Animals or something like that. I think that's the story. Anyway, the roadie apparently said that Jimmy had a really fucking dangerous manager. And his manager was

mob connected and shit. And he did a lot of fucked up things. And one of the things he claims he did was kidnap Jimi Hendrix. His own manager had guys kidnap Jimi Hendrix. His own manager had guys kidnap Jimi and leave him in a hotel for three days and then he rescued him

in quotes to show him how powerful he is. How he can get anything done. And they all like, we didn't know he was with you. And this guy, you stay with me, Jimi.

I'll protect you from these guys. Well, apparently he also had like, you know, there was a big life insurance policy that they're saying was on Jimi Hendrix. Now that, the veracity of that, I don't know.

You'd have to check. I'm not really into it enough that I'm going to Wikipedia the latest. Who died in the 60s? Who the fuck knows, you know? But the other thing was that Jimi Hendrix's girlfriend at the time, she was killed. Somebody threw her off the top of a roof of a building somewhere in New York. But the speculation was that that had to do with Jimi Hendrix's death. You know, if you wanted to paint a beautiful conspiracy mystery, that's how you would go with it.

Whether or not that's true or not. My favorite conspiracy goes back to Michael Jordan. They said that because he didn't pay a lot of his golf bets. Oh, yeah. Well, that was a big thing. His father was killed over that. Oh, my God. Yeah, his father was killed in North Carolina.

Oh, my God. They said that was connected to that. Who knows? So many conspiracy theories. Holy shit, is that scary. But he was a big gambler. I know that. Well, I know there was an article that was written in Esquire or one of those.

It was Esquire or maybe Vanity Fair. I don't remember what magazine it was. But it was an article that was written by a guy who was a golf hustler who Michael Jordan owed like a half a million dollars. Yeah, he never paid up. I heard he goes to places and has dinner and doesn't pay. Oh, wow. Just because he graced them with has dinner and doesn't pay. Oh, wow. Just because he graced them with his presence.

Wow. Really? Doesn't tip. They call Scotty Pippin no tipping Pippin. Yeah, I heard that. That's so unfortunate. Yeah. It's amazing that a guy can get so successful and still be so selfish.

You know? Maybe it's just he works so fucking hard that he just thinks everybody else is shit. You know, maybe it's just he works so fucking hard that he just thinks everybody else is shit. He's such a hardworking, badass motherfucker that everybody else is like, bitch, you want money for serving me? Right. The irony of it is he has the worst team in the history of basketball this year. Oh, he owns a team now, right? He owns the Bobcats, and they were the worst team ever.

Wow. He went from being arguably the greatest player to the worst general manager ever. Do you think he's not a good owner? Or do you think he just doesn't have good... I think he's got that syndrome where... Remember the Al Capone thing where everybody would laugh when he laughed and stop when he stopped? I think he has that. A lot of yes people around him. So nobody says no. So he

makes moves that he doesn't really know what he's doing, but there's nobody to confront him. Nobody has the balls to confront him him i think that's part of the problem yeah that's the thing that people always look for the people always look for sycophants you know when you want to want to see a guy who's falling apart you look towards the sycophants and if you want to insult guys you call them sycophants right which is uh always hilarious like guys can't be friends no if one guy is more successful than the other well Well the rest are just sycophants. Yeah. In the moron's mind that that's the conversation that comes up so that you know that's like demeaning to like all the other guys that hang out with a guy. You know. Yeah. Do you find people change towards you in some ways? Like in what way? What do you mean?

Well, deferring to you because they think they can get something or anything. Well, there's going to always be people that are weird, man. They're trying to hustle. They're trying to sell something. They want to get close to you because they think it will be advantageous to them. There's people that give it away, man. They give it away quick. I just find that people kind of hit on me for stuff that I really don't.

I can't write them a strong act. Right. Don, you think you can sit down and write with me? You're right. It's just funny. But, I mean, sometimes I think people want stuff that I'm not even powerful enough to give them. You know, one thing that would be cool to do, and I have thought about doing this before, I think to give them. You know, one thing, would it be cool to do, and I have thought about doing this before,

I think it would be really kind of a fun thing, to have guys like you and me and maybe Stan Hope or someone else weird along those lines. Have a series of guys. Have Joey Diaz do something, Ari Shaffir do something. And have it so comics will have a meeting at the improv on Saturday at 5 in the afternoon. And we'll just answer any questions. Oh, yeah.

Wouldn't that be great? Sure. Can you imagine if you were a guy who had been doing comedy a year and you could talk to the you of today just to ask you, what do you do? How do you get started? What do you write about? How do you write? Do you write it down? Do you write bullet points? What do you do? How do you practice started? What do you write about? How do you write? Do you write it down? Do you write bullet points?

What do you do? How do you practice it? Do you practice it in order? Do you practice alone at home or only on stage? Do you do the same order every time? I had a guy ask me, and he was so disappointed that I just told him the reality. He said, how do you get on, like, the Tonight Show and those kind of shows? I said, well, the most important thing is it's very hard to write those sets.

Because I'm like you. I'm more free form, and I don't like to write tight sets. Right. You know what I mean? is it's very hard to write those sets. Because I'm like you. I'm more free form and I don't like to write tight sets. Right. You know what I mean? But it's hard. And I said, you know, you really have to write them and construct them so that they're only five minutes. And he goes, you got to write? And I go, well, yeah, what do you think you do?

Call up the president of show business and ask him for a favor? You got to write? What the fuck? I didn't expect that. Yeah, some people don't like writing. I write in my head. I've done that before, and I'm not nearly as prolific. I got to sit down.

Prolific. Well, because you're working so much, too. You were so busy with that. Well, it's not my... You know, it seems like a lot of work, but everything that I do is fun. So it doesn't seem like work at all. But it's still time-consuming.

It's time-consuming. Yeah. It's time consuming. Yeah. It's very hard to crack the starting lineup, don't you think? You just got to do it. The harder it is for me, the better you get and the more strong shit you have, the harder it is to break the starting lineup because you're thinking, oh, fuck, I don't want to put that in. It's not strong enough.

Well, once you get it down like you get an opening bit or a whole chunk down like fucking hardened Japanese samurai sword, just it over and just polish that bitch down to its lethal so it's just so it's perfect you know you don't want to let it go but unfortunately you have to it's no other way yeah we're doing a show here at the ice house Wednesday night what Do you do anything Wednesday? I have one spot at the store. What's up? 10 o'clock show.

We're doing a show here. I'll come out. Will you do a set? Sure. What time is your spot at the store? 10 o'clock. Will I make it? Yeah, you could do it just late.

If you just do your set there, and then if the store's not too late. The store's sometimes running late. No, I can get on i can sometimes don't even start at 10 o'clock we'll start like 10 10 we're crazy what's gonna go to it'll go to at least midnight right yeah well if you come you know and i'm already already on stage i'll bring you on stage all right and we can fuck around okay or you just do your actor i mean i'll introduce you at any time anytime you get here we'll throw you out that'll be awesome what is it, a benefit?

No, we're fucking around. Oh, yeah. We're going to have a podcast at 9, 10, and that's May 23rd if you're listening. Yeah, so if you're listening to this later and you want to come down to the Ice House and stalk us. Can I plug a couple days? Please do. I got Atlanta June 15th and 16th. That's where they get his punchline.

Oh, great club. And a big gig for me because because it goes to Philly, is June 30th. I'm at the Tropicana in the big room upstairs. Tropicana, Atlantic City? Yeah, which I love. Do you love Atlantic City? Well, for me, it's all the fucking... We got all the fucking Italians coming from Hamilton.

The mayor and everybody. Well, you know, you're one of those guys that you never stuck with the same act. You know, you're not one of those guys that you never stuck with the same act. You know, you're not one of those guys where you go see him like three years later and you'll see the same shit verbatim. You're always, it's always writing. I fucking try. You love it. You love it.

You're a real comic man. You're a real craftsman, you know. You could not have picked a better occupation. It's not like Dom Herrera should have been a plumber, should have been an electrician, should have been a doctor, whatever the fuck it was. That's the one thing good about my lack of talent in many things. It's easier for me to focus.

Well, you've always loved comedy, man. I mean, since the moment I met you, we've had so many conversations about comedy, and I've got to see you always working on shit and tightening shit. There's some guys, and we all know them. There comes a point in time where they just start phoning it in. But you never hit that. You never hit that.

You're always – you even say that too. You're always saying, like, I'm trying to get better. That's in your head all the time. Absolutely. If you're not getting better, you're getting worse. You don't stay at the one spot. And what the fuck are you doing if you're not getting better? What the fuck are you doing?

Why are you wasting your time? That's why I do so many sets yeah you know i mean that's you know it's fun too it's a fun thing to do and make people laugh it's a fun time you know we're new luckiest new rules one of my favorite i wish you could reenact that bit i'd love that bit that was a labor of love that bit that was a bit that i that I... That was a bit that I... Who was it? What's her name? Anna Nicole Smith. Anna Nicole Smith, yeah. Yeah.

That was a bit that I was actually forbidden from saying at the comedy store. Really? Really? Yeah. Mitzi came up to me once. That's weird. That's not funny. Leave it alone.

She was really mad at me. Joe, your fucking neck got longer when you went New Rules. New Rules! The joke was about, you know, everybody was like, oh, my God, Anna Nicole Smith, she's marrying this old billionaire that's so horrible. Like, what she's doing is so terrible. She's taking advantage of him. And my joke was, don't you think he fucking knows?

He's 90 years old. He made a billion dollars from scratch. Chances are the dude's a tad crafty. Right. And it was him getting her to do all this crazy fucked up shit or he wouldn't give her money and it just kept getting nuttier nuttier as he was dying he wanted her to lick his ass while he's dying screaming it's like it was one of my favorite bits to do because it was like it was like it was it felt justified right you could get away with it

i didn't know you were told not to do that. So then how did new rules come in when he did something perverted? You can't do this in the hospital? He goes, lick my balls. She says, sugar, I would love to stay here and be with you, but the visiting hours between

9 and 11, he goes, no, I just bought the hospital. New rules. Lick my balls 24 hours a day. It was, I love that fucking bit. He would,

he would be in a wheelchair, man, and she'd be standing over him, this insanely hot, big titted guest model. Yeah. And you just look at her and go, oh my God,

that fucking body she had just this insane fuck body she was a giant jane nansfield when those early pictures like when she was in playboy or whatever the fuck she did you look at her body you go jesus christ what a body that woman had just all voluptuous and legs and you know like you and i like them we don't like no skinny broads i like a little meat on the bone i like a girl i can take a good fucking because you know i deliver oh i know oh i like to bang a head into the wall the whole time i like to deliver oh it sounds like him that's my best impression he's one of my best impressions right i went to

a strip club in cleveland and it was one of the most, like, the name of the club was, hold on a second. The name of the club was Sexy Secret or something like that. Something secret. Sexy Secret. It was something secret. And so I walk in, and I was the only white person in the whole entire club. So, like, the secret was I was, you know.

But it was crazy. Sexy Secret. rob you but i immediately got swarmed like it was like zombie style like what you've won by one all the strippers like looked over and it's like wow white guy and it like came over and at one point i had like two girls on each like lap one girl giving me a massage. Wait a minute. You can't support two girls on each leg. That's ridiculous. That's a lot of weight. Two girls on each leg? So you got four girls on your lap? No, no.

I'm sorry. A girl on each leg. I'm sorry. I meant two girls. Two girls. One on each leg. Yeah, yeah. One on each leg.

That's a lot of weight, too. That hurts after a while. That's not funny. Yeah, yeah. You can't act like it hurts. They weren't very big. Move a little, honey. Your ass is bony.

Yeah, you got to step up, your fucking left leg numb, fall down and smash your face in the cocktail glass. But they just took turns putting their butts in my face. Oh, Jesus, son. It was so much butt.

I felt butt juice on my arms like it was moisturizer or something like that after a while. It was so hot in there. But anyways, check out a black strip club in the a while. It was so hot in there. But anyways, check out a black strip club in the ghetto sometime. It's pretty weird. You okay? What? No, it's really interesting. Butt juice?

Did you... So you let them sort of get butt juice on you all over the place? The thing is, you know how you go to a normal strip club like what you're used to and it's all about big boobs, perfect body, nice butt or something. There, it was all about huge fucking bubble asses. Just girls, normal looking girls, but with, I think, butt implants or something.

It was all about butts. Can I ask you something? Yeah. Have you ever been officially diagnosed? officially diagnosed. I went to a strip club in Philly and this black chick asked me for a lap dance

and I said, no thanks. She said, you're a racist. And the bouncer was black, big guy, and he knew me. And I go,

what'd she say? She said, you're a racist. What's the fact that I don't think you're hot? How rude. Yeah. How does that make me a racist?

I have a new thing to say. Meanwhile, there you are. Hold on a second. Because meanwhile, there you are arguing with a stripper. think you're hot how rude yeah how does that make me raise it i have a new thing to say to me while there you are hold on to him because meanwhile there you are arguing with a stripper you never win i have a new thing to say when a stripper like what's happening my life you go i'm so i would love to but actually you look so much like my sister and that will freak me out oh that's good so i said it like 14 times wow that's my God, that guy. I think he's really cute and he totally wanted to dance, but I look like his sister

and that is kind of creepy. Yeah. That motherfucker, he said I look like his sister. And they'll start a fight in the dressing room. And they'll come out and fucking shank you.

Maybe you were like that close to death and you don't even know. No. I think I was fine. It was pretty amazing how they just swarmed to me like all these other guys look like I'm kind of getting pissed because I really so much we're getting pissed yeah Cleveland it was by the flats I forget the name of it cuz I

know a strip club there a friend of mine gave it like this girl like a thousand dollars because she said she was studying classical music some she believed him or he believed her really can you imagine she was studying like the the oboe or something you know um some highfalutin musical school i can't even remember the name but juilliard or something you know it's like give me a break you know how many girls do like are strippers and have like high functioning jobs on top not many do you know there was like there's like a um a chick who got fired from somewhere i forget where she got fired from but she writes for like a local paper that she i think it was

like the houston chronicle or something like that and she was she was writing a column but she was also like on the side she was a stripper. And they found out, so they fired her. Somebody turned her in, so they fired her. You know what I think I would be if I was a woman and wanted some extra cash? Well, first of all, anybody that would turn her in like that, I guess if it's a moral thing, you're silly. And if it's not a moral thing, you're a cunt. Why are you turning her in?

Yeah, there's no upside. Why are you getting her fired? She's a bad person. She's just out there hustling. What do you give a fuck? Just keep it yourself, and now you can go see her naked. What's wrong with you? Right?

If you've got a weird thing with somebody, the best thing to do is go visit them while they're naked. Right? Yeah, you can resolve that shit. I've got a stripper bit. You know my stripper bit, Joe? Like, I'm serious. Brian's like, really? Yeah, man.

Just kidding. I'm trying to break down, like, the whole stripper and boyfriend relationship. I'm trying to break it down, Brian. I'm trying to, like, you know, you have to have a certain mentality if you're going to date a girl who's an active stripper. You really got to be able to let things go. You got to let things go. Well, how about those dudes that date porn stars? They're only last thing you know what fuck while you're at work. Yeah, fuck right you're on a line

Yeah, I'm the boss around here have rules like that. You're allowed to fuck people but only while you're working So this dude's just working all day Imagine she's a mother to like the mother of of your children. A lot of them are. A lot of them are. There's girls that have babies, and look, what are they going to do? They're going to make a lot of money doing porn, or they're going to make no money not doing porn. So they either do porn or they're going to do feature dancing. It's a fucking grind out there, man, for everybody.

And if you're a chick that's banked on your looks, there's guys they think they're going to be professional pitchers and their fucking elbow blows out. Everybody makes a risky gamble in this life. We're all one pitch away. Yeah. Yeah, we are. Yeah. If you look at it that way, don't worry.

Joe Rogan. I try to be as fair as possible. Don't you? Yeah, absolutely. That's what my life's about. Fairness. The balance of justice. Yeah, a balance of justice. That's a good way of putting it you know i got offered to go uh in a coal mine uh it

was a mile and a half deep i declined it but he was telling me how you travel on this thing i forget where you lay back and you have your your you're laying on your back and you just go down this hole slowly you know you, a mile down or something. And he's like, dude, if you want to go, we can totally do this whenever you want to. Whoa. And I was like, fuck no. I would rather try to commit suicide than do that. That sounds scary as fuck.

Why are people into doing things that are really terrifying? I don't know i don't think they have a choice yeah coal miners are can you imagine being a coal miner no way that's a there was a show that they had on spike that i only could watch one episode because it freaked me out so bad it was called i think it was called coal and was a reality show about coal mining it's fucking terrifying they're deep deep deep inside this fucking mountain hoping it doesn't do this boom they're pulling out giant chunks of it so they're gonna make it brittle i mean and you know how brittle coal is anyway man

when you feel coal you know how brittle coal is coal breaks it's not like it's it's it's not steel you know when you feel like you can you can chew into it with those machines and they pull it out of there like it can crack and move and shit. Woo! How about the guys that were down there in Chile? Yeah. They were beaten off.

Was that like a month or something? Didn't they send them flashlights? They're beaten off? Really? No. What the fuck?

Can you imagine? Here's some water and here, fuck this. Here's a candle so you can look each other in the eye while you're doing it. That's some butter for the canary.

You gotta kind of clean it off, though, so save the water. Remember the one guy who had a wife and a girlfriend they found out when he was still down there? Once he was in the hole. The guy's bawling. What are you going to do? Can you imagine being in a situation where that's the only way you could feed your family? You have to go to work in a mine. That's really scary shit to be one of the people that's responsible

for like pulling chunks out of the earth so that we can use it. When you look at like humans and the relationship that we have to the earth, it's so parasitic and strange. And we never consider it that way. We look at it as natural resources. But if you look at the earth as like a living organism,

we've got to go inside of it and pull shit out of it that we use to light things on fire on the surface we literally have our whole society run on the blood of the earth the whole thing's run on oil everything is run on some black liquid that is fucking trillions of gallons of it inside the earth and we're sucking it out and we're pretty sure it's finite well it has to be finite we don't even know what's going to happen if it is finite. What happens? The Earth's going to implode?

It's going to light on fire? What the fuck's going to happen? Is it going to spin faster and days will go shorter? We'll die instantly? Who the fuck knows? That's bad science, ladies and gentlemen. I don't believe in any of that. I don't want to get any angry Twitter messages.

The Twilight Zone. Remember the morning sun? The one in the episode where they thought it was getting hotter every day because the Earth had fallen out of its elliptical orbit and was coming closer and closer to the sun. And finally the painting started melting and they knew it was over. Holy shit. And she wakes up and she finds out it's just the opposite. The Earth is going farther away from the sun.

Oh my God. And every day it's getting colder. So it just shows the fragile existence which we have. Anyway, Ivan Damarero, you guys have been great. I like to bum a crowd out. A lot of guys, they go for the lift, not me. It is true, though, that we live in a delicate balance. I mean, think about we don't experience it here in California,

but when I lived in Boston or anybody on the East Coast knows, there's a vast difference between what it's like to go outside in January and what it's like to go outside in August. There's a fucking world of difference. I'd rather have January. Would you really? Well, then I'd rather be in 10 degrees than 110 for sure. Really? Oh, yeah.

That's interesting. Is that because you've spent too much time out here? It's because I'm a fat pig and I hate myself. Did I remind you? No, I never liked heat. Really? Yeah, hot tubs, saunas. I like it.

I like it hot. You like Vegas in the summer? No, that's too hot. That's crazy. That's silly. That's a different planet hot. I like 90 degrees. I like going outside when it's 90 degrees, especially East Coast 90 degrees because it's

funky and sweaty. I think it's healthy. I think it's good for you. I like going outside when it's 90 degrees, especially East Coast 90 degrees because it's funky and sweaty. I think it's healthy. I think it's good for you. I like 50 degrees with a thong on, a couple boiled potatoes down, clogs, and a guinea tea. And dirty toenails. I got dirty toenails. Big afro wig. Toilet paper all over my chest.

That's an image you'll never forget. Sorry I started the show with that. It's not just nothing. I'll never forget sorry i started the show with that it's not just not that i'd never forget it it's just we could all relate yeah what everyone could have seen themselves in that situation especially if you didn't get expected to get you know woken up oh geez where are we going where are we going that's a good album cover review ever having that it would be hilarious if it was the actual photo, if you realized it and you said, oh, my God, here, hold my camera. Take a picture of this. I just remember him pointing at it.

What's that? I could paper all over up to my neck. That is hilarious. Loads. How much of our time on this earth is spent devising new ways to get rid of loads? I would say 35 to 40%. I mean, think about some of the relationships that you had were really just exchanges from a load extracting contractor. Yep.

There's relationships that guys have, especially young men early on in life. You're essentially like a vampire that must feed. And you only have so long before you can go before you start going crazy. You start dating somebody, like I'm pretty close to feeding, here we go. And then once you get close enough so you can actually have sex, by the time you do that, most of us have already compromised our position considerably. And the relationship that we've agreed to and relented to is completely not what we're looking for. We just had to get some sex in.

You know, it's impossible to avoid. So we tried to pretend to be the guy that you wanted us to be because that's the way you get laid. You know, it becomes a junkie situation. You know, it becomes a situation where you're making irrational decisions. You're hoping that it works out and the person you wind up fucking is someone you actually like. And you just compatible personalities get together and you raise a family or whatever you're hoping that you get to that situation

but most of the time you don't most of the time you're completely incompatible no you're telling me date someone and they're fucking they're all sorts of problems and complaining and whining and bullshit and oh the funniest one you know dub david oh yeah very much funny guy very his his whole you know you got to talk to Yeah, very much. Funny guy. Very funny guy. You got to talk to him sometime about this because he did it. I thought he took the ring off the girl while she was asleep, but he just stole it from the dresser. But in the middle of the night, he unengaged himself by taking the ring back. Oh, my God.

Imagine her waking up the next day. But he got engaged in like two weeks. What is this, a fucking movie? That's not real. Some people, they want that. It's a fun thing to think of. It's a love junkie. It's like loving that feeling, that instant magic.

Well, everybody wants that. Everybody wants to knock one out of the park. You meet someone, and she's nice, and she's friendly, and she's interesting. And, oh, my God, I just know it's the one Dom I only know for four hours but I'm telling you I'm marrying this girl tomorrow morning I already asked her to marry we fucked five times already we've known each other for four hours like what there's people that throw themselves with abandon it's because they want someone

to believe in them they want someone to love them the same way they want to love someone. They have this massive need to both love and be loved. They're in a love deficit. So when love comes along, they fucking throw a shit fit. They go crazy. They abandon their friends. They stop answering their cell phone.

They'll throw their phone in the toilet. I don't care. I'm just by your side as long as I'm with you. I don't want anything else. We are complete. You make me complete. You make me complete, Dom. They're just ready. You know, Sophie and I only dated once before she moved in. Shazam, son.

That's what I'm talking. That's how Dom do. No, but I mean, the thing is it lasted nine years. But that was a very rare situation. She moved to China, and the only way I was going to get her to come back was for her to move in. How many comics do you know that have healthy relationships? That's a good question. Seven.

I'd have to... Seven? Seven. Seven? I think it's especially hard. Yeah, I do. Yeah. I think it's especially hard in any sort of a creative sort of a job.

You have to have a cool chick. Yeah. That understands that you. You have to have someone who lets you think. You have to have someone who gives you space. It's not all up in your grill constantly. Yeah. But you also have someone when you talk to, they're fun to be around.

Their brain works. Yeah, their brain works and they they have a positive spin on things like there's certain people we all know this like when you meet them and then you you see them and you smile and then you become enhanced you know what i mean like joey diaz perfect example what's up baby what are we doing here and you see him and we would all start smiling and we feel enhanced and there's other people that come around and they drag on you you know there's other people What's up, baby? What are we doing here? And you see him, and we would all start smiling, and we feel enhanced. And then there's other people that come around, and they drag on you. There's other people that come around, and they just start complaining and whining and bitching. And I've had both, man.

I've had both. And the life of you, if you're with someone that complains all the time, that's someone that takes that negative point of view all the time, your life will be hell. It's gut-wrenching. A friend of mine said there's two people in life. There's fountains and drains. Ah, that's beautiful.

Yeah, and it's true, but when those drains, they just, you know, it's like, how you doing? Ah, I'm hanging in there. Oh, it's brutal. Brutal.

There's a comic that I know I love to death and I won't say his name, but I spoke to him once and I said, I'm never talking to this motherfucker again. Do an impression of him. I can't.

He's too obvious. Oh, really? No. I'm making that up, too. I'm just throwing people. I can't. He's too obvious. Oh, really? No. I'm making that up, too. I'm just throwing people off the track now. He was part cat. He grew up in Afghanistan. But, you know, I would say, hey, what's going on?

Well, not so good. I'll tell you the whole situation. The wife, she walked out. Okay. You know, we're together. She walked out on you, Mr. Joy? 13 years. I thought this was something that we had both agreed to. apparently she had agreed to that oh geez you motherfucker listen to yourself

i haven't seen you in years and you just hit me with a just a bucket of diarrhea you know what kind of a you know just that's there's people that don't even think at all about the person they're talking to all they think about is like the shit that they want to they want to they want to burden you because their life has taken some terrible turn for the worst mostly a lot with a lot of people because their shit personality you know that people just go fucking get away from me oh they just run and then that same shitty personality is what you makes you get trapped by this guy at a fucking party do you know jeremy Hutz? The comedian from Canada. I do not know him. Okay. He's fucking hilarious.

Yes, I know. Very good comedian. Very funny. I've only seen him in video, though. When he's serious. We were doing Russell Peters' special in Montreal last summer. He was my roommate. And he'd come in.

And he'd say, Hi, Jeremy. How you doing? Oh, Tom. You don't have any Tums, do you? I got like a bad stomach I said no I don't carry Tums

he goes you got any beer I go who the fuck goes from Tums to beer you know what I mean but I mean he was always like and he's so fucking

good on stage but he was such a I mean I still enjoy him but he is such a bummer you know he's a bummer well in that sense you know like he's

talking about his sinuses one night at the Laugh Factory there's a bunch of comedians no group of comedians is going to be concerned about your sinuses no matter what unless you have your sinuses removed it's not an interesting story we don't want to hear about your fucking post-nasal drip yeah i'm not into being around people that complain about stupid shit that you just man up and deal with it. Yeah. So your nose bugs you. Just deal with it. Right.

Bitch. Right? God damn it. I went through most of my life with a broken nose. I broke my nose when I was five. Fell down a flight of stairs. And for most of my life, I had, like, shitty breathing out of my nose. It was all fucked up. You deviated septum?

Yeah, it was a mess. And then from getting punched in the face, from wrestling and kickboxing and Taekwondo, just always getting hit in the fucking face. I don't know how many times I got hit in the face. So the inside of the nose was just a mess. I had like one little baby channel. They opened it up. They cleaned it all out.

It was one of the best things I ever did. It's amazing that you didn't even know what you were missing. Oh, my God. I was mouth breathing. I was mouth breathing for a giant chunk of my life. And I was trying to do like hardcore athletics. I was mouth breathing. I was mouth breathing for a giant chunk of my life. And I was trying to do, like, hardcore athletics. I was trying to do martial arts. And with a broken nose, a useless nose.

Like. Yeah. That was my nose. Like. Literally. But now it's like. Now I can breathe. When did you have the operation?

A couple years ago. A few years ago. It was so important to me that I made a little video. So I knew you when you were breathing like that. Yeah, yeah. Although it probably got worse. It got worse as time went on. And I broke it again in like 2007. I broke it pretty bad. It was pretty bloody and I got black eyes and shit. From a head butt. We collided in jujitsu class. Jujitsu is... There's two things that

happen to hurt you. One, accidental collisions. Like sometimes you'll be throwing up a knee for a triangle and you hit someone in the eye and it fucks their eye up. It's happened to me. I've done it accidentally. It's just one of the things that happens. Another thing that happens is sometimes people that are rolling right next to you collide into you and you bonk heads and shit. That's fucked up. I've had that happen where you get hit pretty fucking hard. And you bonk heads and shit. That's fucked up. I've had that happen where you get hit pretty fucking hard.

I got suckered in a bar. I was a doorman at a bar. Me and Randall Cobb were the doorman. Really? And Joe, I don't fucking know anything. What year was this? I don't know, 78, 77. Where? In Philly, a place called Doc Watson's.

You and Randall Tex Cobb. Do you have a picture of you two together? No. Fuck. He was the North American heavyweight karate champion at the time. Yeah, that's what a lot of people don't know. He was a kickboxer. Oh, he could kick over your head, man.

Yeah. The first thing he showed me was his nose. He had no cartilage in his nose. Yeah, it was a mess. Anyway, I got suckered by this guy and broke my nose. And the worst thing was, it wasn't the pain. It was the sound of them putting it back in place. Because you hear, you know, like with the pliers they take.

Well, when I got my nose fixed, the boogers that came out were so horrendous that I saved them. And I took pictures of them. You want to look at it? Would you look at it? Of course. Check this out. Asteroids. I'm just going to show it to you because you're not even going to believe it.

What is this? This is when he had to clean it out. This is right after. I would have to blow snot out. I would use a water pick and throw it through my nose to clean my nose out. It's pretty deep. It's pretty intense. Oh!

Oh, geez. After my operation, I have to do this twice a day. I want to take a water pick, a special nostril attachment. Oh, geez. Is that like a saline solution? Well, you ain't seen shit, son. Wait till you see these boogers I'm going to pull out. If you email me them, I can show the audience.

Okay, let me find the really good ones because they're so ridiculous. But, you know, what was happening was that my body was, you know, making these plots. Oh, jeez. You're throwing up from your nose. Yeah. I've got to find them. I don't know where they are, though, unfortunately. They're probably deep in this iPhoto.

Well, it'll give us a good excuse to get together again here's a picture of it here's a still from you got one of my boogers they were so ridiculous I think I put them on Twitter did I put them on Twitter I don't know it's at the beginning of this video I definitely put them

that thing in the middle that's actually the clot the doctor pulled out of my nose there's some shit I showed's actually the clot the doctor pulled out of my nose. There's some shit I showed. I showed Tommy Segura at the airport, and he almost threw up. I got him real close to throwing up. He had to turn away.

He had to hold his mouth. It was pretty badass. I think I'm closing in on it here, Dom. I think that was the first time I met Tom Segura was that weekend right after he had that operation. There's certain shit that, you know, if you can get it fixed, man, if you have a deviated septum and you get it fixed, your life will change. You will have an easier life. Like, it's hard. When you only can breathe out of your fucking mouth, that sucks. You could get sleep apnea.

Oh, beautiful. I just found it. Is it 100% though? I mean, could you go back right now and have them fix it? Look at the size of that goddamn thing. It looks like a date. It looks like a jewel. Email it to me.

I'm going to email it to you right now. That's disturbing. So do you think you could go back and they could actually fix it up even more? No, no, it's clean now. It's clean. Yeah, it's awesome now. 100%. Yeah, now it's 100%.

But it has different colors in it. Yeah, it's awesome now. But it has different colors in it. Yeah, it's crazy. It shouldn't even be real. There's something beautiful about it. Yeah, it's disgusting. And yet hot. You can reduce the message. I don't want to reduce it. Actual size, bitch. Actual size, that shit.

Why are you trying to save gigabytes? Why are you trying to be like that, mother mucker? I sent the photo of the booger. Not even the best photo of it. It's so ridiculous. It doesn't even look real. It doesn't look like it could come out of your nose. And it came out in one giant, really super satisfying hunk.

There we go. Look at that. There's another photo of it. That's a close-up. Oh, Jesus. Oh, shit. Yeah. It looks like crystal or something. That came out of my nose in one hunk. Oh, gross. But I'll tell you what, Jesus. Oh, shit. Yeah. It looks like crystal or something.

That came out of my nose in one hunk. But I'll tell you what, man. For me, that shit was sweet relief. For me, I know you're looking at it and you go, Joe, I don't want to see your snot. Then why are you looking, bitch? We told you what we're going to do. Listen, I'm feeling bad that I'm showing these people this and that they're going to get sick, Brian. Let's kill it.

Kill it. I think we made our point. But for me, man, that represents freedom. That's my shackles. You're quite the host. I feel fantastic. I breathe out of my nose. You look good.

You look good as well. Thanks, Joe. I feel good. I'm doing a lot of stretching now. Are you updating your Twitter? You've been getting on Twitter? Let me see. When was the last time you got on Twitter?

What's my Twitter? It's Dom Irii, you fella. Dom Ireri? That's it? Yeah. It's not at Dom Ireri? It says at Dom Ireri. Oh, at Dom Ireri.

Everything's at something. Oh, okay. We were just saying the other day about how, remember, when people used to use the at as if it's them and the third person is going to the movies right now? Right. People tried that for a while, right? Remember?

Yeah. It got too pretentious, though. Do you tweet a lot? tweet a lot yeah tweet all the time you know what's the best i gotta get into a habit of it it's some it's fun really it's really fun uh if you if you're interested damerara the two r's are in the first position it's d-o-m-i-r-r-e-R-A. I even myself have fucked up upon occasion. Yeah. And made it I-R-E-R-R-A like Carrera. Right. I have a friend.

I work the club. And they misspelled it. Is that even how Carrera is spelled? I don't even know if that's how Carrera is spelled. It's a lot of normal. They misspelled it at the club you worked at? Yeah. It's motherfuckers.

Captain Brian's off the hook. Jesus Christ. Where's that place? Off the hook. Marco Island. It's dead to me. You just burned them. It's a great place, actually. Jesus Christ. Where's that place? Off the hook on Marco Island. It's dead to me. It's a great place, actually. Wow.

Is it? Marco Island? Oh, fuck. Beautiful. Florida's fucking crazy, isn't it? Yeah. Florida's crazy on a totally different level. That's not the rest of the country.

Florida is... I love it, and I love that improv in Hollywood. Hollywood, Florida. Oh, yeah. That's a great place. Yeah. The Indian Casino? Yeah.

Hard Rock? You know what they tell me, Joe? What? Make sure you don't say anything about the Seminoles, anything bad. I go, like, I got 15 minutes on the Seminole Indians. They actually said that to you? Yeah. Wow. So, of course, I went up and said nothing but good things about them.

You know, just because somebody's going to tell me what to say, I go, I got to say something. Of all the tribes, the Seminoles are my favorite. I'm not a big fan of the Apache, the Arapaho, and go fuck them. I love the Seminole people. So what could they say? The Seminoles sponsor a bunch of professional pool matches.

Oh, do they? Yeah, they used to have a whole tour. The Seminole Indians used to, Seminole tribe, rather, used to be, I don't know if you're

allowed to call, are you supposed to call them Indians? Why would you call them Indians? Native Americans. Yeah, it's natives. Or coloreds. The idea that we called them Indians like deep into the 20th century is really pretty fucking crazy. Where did Indian come from? Columbus.

Oh, he thought he was going to India. Right, right, right. These fucking assholes. They just would get in the ocean. Oh, we're in India. That's funny. Saw these little brown people. These are Indians. They had no idea they were in the Bahamas. The whole thing is preposterous. It's really funny when you stop and think about that they still celebrate Columbus Day. First of all, Columbus never even came here. Watch it. Watch it. I'm Italian.

Have you ever read some of the shit that Columbus did? Lee Ferguson, right? Was it Lee Ferguson? No, he was the Viking. No, but he was the first one here. Wasn't he? Well, no, not even. Eric the Red? No, they've actually found the really crazy thing is the oldest body that they found in North America was Chinese. Son of a bitch.

The Chinese were everywhere. Well, they don't know. They're still trying to figure out when people got in ships and traveled all over the world. By the way, we are going to do a podcast with John Anthony West speaking of this because this is a fucking fascinating topic. I've been exchanging email. I owe him an email, but he wants to do it. We're probably going to going to do a podcast with John Anthony West speaking of this because this is a fucking fascinating topic. I've been exchanging email. I owe him an email, but he wants to do it. We're probably going to have to do it on Skype.

It may be the first time we ever do one on Skype, but it's worth doing it for this guy. John Anthony West, if you don't know, is the guy who's like the main Egyptologist who's out there trying to predate the Egyptian empire. And he says that it's like there's many empires. It's not just like one. And he goes back thousands and thousands of years earlier and he has geologists on his side it's really interesting

because these uh all these different academics are fighting it tooth and nail because it makes everything they've been teaching everybody in school bullshit right because it's off by thousands of years they've dated the enclosure of the sphinx there's these huge like fissure marks that are in the walls with this of this this uh this these stones and what they come from every geologist agrees on this is thousands of years of rainfall these are clearly like the way water erodes things you think the aliens built the pyramids no no i think i think the egyptian civilization was most likely as advanced if not more advanced, than we are today, but in a different direction.

They became advanced with a language like hieroglyphics, with incredible mathematics that were allowing them to make these geometric structures. I mean, however the fuck they figured out how to do it, there's a lot of speculation. But to pretend that the Great Pyrenean Begeza is not an astronomically incredibly amazing fucking accomplishment is great. It's ridiculous.

It's one of the greatest accomplishments of human engineering of all time. And no one even knows when it was made. The guess is 2,500 B.C. And it's based on, like, carbon samples and shit they found at the area. But they're not completely sure about that. There's a lot of weird speculation and the sphinx the sphinx with all that the the deep water erosion around the enclosure what they're saying is that that was that if that was thousands of years of rainfall then the last time there was heavy rainfall in the nile valley was something crazy like 9 000 bc

so instead of being 2 500 bc like they thought it was, it was like thousands of years older still than we are to them. It's raining again. Crazy. Well, there used to be a jungle. It used to be a rainforest. The Nile Valley used to be like a rainforest. It was raining constantly. And then slowly it became a desert.

And the last time there was like heavy rainfall was like 9,000 BC. It's fucking nuts. And this area, this cut out area, shows thousands of years of rainfall. And the Egyptologists don't want to address it. They look at it and it's freaking them out because it's pretty obvious. And there's no getting around it. If it is rainfall, the

whole thing's got to be thrown out. And it's the only physical thing they have to show that there was something that existed that long ago. And that's why they resist it. The scholars are like know where's the evidence of this civilization that would have existed 10 000 plus years ago there is no evidence and you know that what they're saying is or this guy's like this john anthony west is saying is there wouldn't really be much there's like this stuff there's like i mean 10 000 years is an insane amount of time. 10,000 BC? Think about how long ago

12,000 fucking years is. Think of how crazy that is. Well, Christ was only 2,000-something. Yeah. Well, supposedly. Do you think Christ was real? Think Christ was a real guy? Yeah. You think so, for sure? Well, I don't know. I mean, I don't know why they would make it up. I'm not saying

he's God or anything. What about Santa Claus? Santa Claus, for sure. 100%. 100%. And you know what's amazing about him? No matter how many people there are, he takes care of everybody if you're good. If you're good, you leave a cookie out. You know what's funny about that?

We're talking about these phrases come down in history. I was staying at a hotel in Rochester. And for some reason, they didn't register my name. And so this friend of mine finally gets through. And she goes, what are you, fucking King Tut? And I'm thinking, isn't that interesting that King Tut came down? You're talking about Egypt. Like this kid who died thousands of years ago, he's still a reference for like a wise-ass remark. You know what I mean?

Yeah, it is pretty ridiculous. You King fucking Tut in common? You know, he mean? Yeah, it is pretty ridiculous. You king fucking Tutton Common? You know, he had a lopsided head. Yeah, he had a crazy, fucked up, elongated head. Who knows that but you? Well, you ever seen images of him? What a fan of his eternal knowledge.

His family, there were some weird physical characteristics to his family that a lot of the crazy conspiracy theorist guys really latch onto because it's like, look at his head. He's clearly an alien. Because he had kind of a weird shaped head. No normal person has a head like that. What a bad motherfucker he is, though, that we're talking about him still.

That's what I'm saying. Yeah. How old was he when he died? He was a kid, right? He was a kid, yeah. And I think he was murdered, wasn't he? Wasn't he murdered? I don't know.

He went into a bad neighborhood in Cairo. They probably killed people all day back then. Oh, yeah. You know? The idea that John Anthony West is promoting is that the idea of a lot of these, there's a lot of guys that are getting on this notion, this possibility of ancient civilizations that were wiped out by disasters. Once we see shit like the tsunami,

and we see things like what Hurricane Katrina can do, and we go, well, these aren't even like the biggest storms or the biggest events in history. What the fuck must have been like with something like this times 10 hit 10,000 years ago? It might wipe out most of us, you know? And they think that that has probably happened several times to people

and that civilization would reach a great height and then something would happen. And by the way, this coincides with two things. One, the end of the Ice Age, which happened fairly abruptly, which might have been caused by some sort of an event. Like an asteroid? Like an asteroid.

And evidence of asteroidal impact somewhere around that long ago, I think 10,500 plus years ago is the estimation of when this asteroid hit. You know, they're not completely exact on the date, I think, but they're all similar. And so there's evidence also that we've been pelted numerous times with asteroids. Like once they started taking satellite photos. I would think they would hit us all the time. All the randomness of space. Well, they get chewed up by our atmosphere for the most part. But some of them don't, man.

The really big ones don't. And there's been several extinction events in the lifetime of the Earth. More than three. And at least two of them that involve giant impacts. Two of them are just big fucking volcano sized explosion asteroids of five miles wide slamming into the earth and lava shoots up into the fucking sky and blankets half the that causes an ice age jesus i was reading a fred flintstone book about a lot of that stuff fucking imagine fred flintstone wrote books. Could you imagine what it must have been like living back, you know.

In the bedrock years? In the caveman years when there was like just grunt and shit. Yeah. No TV. Just trying to follow around the herd of buffalo that know you're trying to kill them. So they always want to move by night. So you got to get up in the middle of the night. The buffalo are moving.

We got to follow them. Follow after them. Your baby to move by night. So you got to get up in the middle of the night. The buffalo are moving. We got to follow them. Follow after them. Your baby gets killed by tigers. Jaguars jack your whole fucking family. Pulling women by the hair. Do you think they did that? They clubbed them over the head? Yeah.

Isn't it funny that that image of the caveman is like the predominant image? Yeah. Caveman clubbing the chick over the head, dragging her by her hair. Yeah. That's the predominant image of what is a caveman doing. First of all, he's always got a club, right? Cavemen's always had clubs. And they always had a bear skin.

That was like a Saturday night date. She was waiting for him. Where the fuck is Harry? Why is it? But who invented the clubber over the head and dragging her by her hair? I don't know. Maybe it was King Tut. But it's an amazing.

I mean, isn't it like that's the symbol we all see? Yeah, yeah. Well, how the fuck did that happen? The clobber over the head and drag it by the hair. How many times have you heard that expression when it comes to cavemen? It's like super common. Like, what is it, cavemen? He thinks every girl he meets is going to clobber over their head and drag it by their hair?

It's so common. Did like Looney Tunes invent that maybe? I wonder. I wonder who came up with it but it stuck culturally. Like all throughout my life I remember that. Images of clubbing

a girl over the head, dragging her by her hair. I never knew that there weren't cavemen and dinosaurs together because we always put them together. Well, if you hung out

with Sarah Palin you would know that that's not factually correct. As a matter of fact, there was a school teacher from Alaska that says that Sarah Palin said that the earth is less than 10,000 years old and that dinosaurs and men did live together, but mainstream science is trying to keep that from you.

And that there's images on the Internet of dinosaurs with a human footprint inside of it. Dinosaur footprint. Oh, jeez. I wonder if it's true. It could be just some hater bitch from alaska you know who's the local librarian maybe she's a cunt you know and maybe sarah palin blew her husband or something you know not that she would do that would you do sarah palin fuck yeah it depends on where i was where i was in my life in the butt where i was see, he lays back. Maybe it takes him two hours.

The kid gets warmed up. He gets crazy. He lets loose. Shenanigans ensue. I'm doing Adam Carolla's podcast later if you can't get enough of me. Did you get that email that said who's coming here next Wednesday?

Yeah, Bobcat Goldthwait. Fuck, yeah. Yeah, well, don't do that in front of him, you fuck. And he wants to forget those days. And apparently he has an awesome movie. Yeah.

Do you know about this movie? Yeah, Anthony was talking all about it on OPN. Anthony, the name is called God Bless America. You want to see a trailer? I got a trailer. I'd love to see a trailer.

Yes, I do want to see it. Pull that shit up. Bobcat's one of those guys that's so mild-mannered before he goes on stage. And then goes on stage and goes crazy. Yeah. I never knew him as a comic. The first time I ever met him, he was directing the Chappelle show.

And I was with Dave. We were in New York City. And Dave was just walking down the street with a fake mustache on. And he was giving out awards for the best New York boobs. Oh, really? Yeah, it was ridiculous. This was in the in the show yeah that was the first time i ever met bobcat i ran into him on the street i'm like what are you doing day he goes hey joe rogan you want to help me out i go i only got like a half an hour oh that's cool so for a half an hour i i carried his box of new york boob ribbons and he would go in you got some great new york boobs and give people like uh ribbons

that's and bobcat was like directing the whole thing right so that's uh first time i met him a very nice guy though yeah i always liked him as a comic here's the trailer which is a red band trailer b-a-n-d the most hilarious ringtone ever just text b-i-g we have a press that just gives them a free pass. The boys were caught after setting the homeless man on fire. Did you motherf***ing poop in my booth? What? You bitch!

You bitch! A tumor this size is very dangerous. Do you have any family? Oh, gotta take this. My name is Chloe. I live in Virginia Beach and everyone loves me because I'm so pretty. I wanted an Escalade! This is the biggest day of my life and you're f***ing up, Dad! Hey, Creepy. Isn't the schoolgirl thing a little played out? Don't move and don't make a sound.

If you want the car, just take it. My parents got me the wrong one anyways. Yeah, that's a f***ing tragedy. Did you just kill Chloe? Awesome. That was a fantastic start. But you know who else really rips my cock off? The Kardashians.

People who use rock star as an adjective. Women who call their tits the girls. Anyone who wears crystals. You're aiming at the bear, right? This is the best day ever! Frank, don't. Let me. I'm recording this.

Thanks for turning off your cell phone. You're welcome. Why have a civilization if we're no longer interested in being civilized? That's awesome. Hey, buddy. What's wrong? A lot. A lot of crazy people out there. I only want to kill people who deserve to die we gonna do this or

what i know it's not normal to want to kill but i am no longer normal whoa we gotta take both those spots yeah fuck you you. Sounds like an amazing movie. Whoa. That's awesome. That's a scary movie. That's really cool. Looks very Pulp Fiction-y kind of again. Like, you know, just badass, you know, kill, kill, kill kind of movie.

Looks pretty sweet. Yeah. It's obviously got an anti-douchebag slant. Yeah. Which is always nice. That's really cool because he's a great director. Didn't he do Windy City Heat? No.

Well, I don't know if he did that, but he did that clown movie. What the fuck? It shakes the clown. It shakes the clown, which is great. I saw that in the movie theater. Windy City Heat? Yeah, was that the one where they faked the guy? Don Barris, isn't it?

It's Don Barris and Jimmy Kimmel or something? Jimmy Kimmel was one of the producers of it. That's of the producers there's tons of people in that movie I can't watch that movie I've met that dude it's too tragic you meet someone who's crazy who thinks they're actually famous and he got an attitude that's what cracked me up that's hilarious he got an attitude once he made it

yeah once he fake made it if people who don't know what we're talking about, Dom, explain the whole situation because it's really pretty fascinating for people who don't know

the story behind it. The best I remember is they fabricated this guy becoming a celebrity, gradually becoming a star, and he had a movie, and it was just that the whole thing

was a mock on him. And how else would I explain it, Joe? He thinks it's real. This guy it he thinks it's real like this guy named perry yeah he's kind of crazy and he thinks uh that he gets a star out of too well it's a weird thing because people are paying attention to him and he isn't a movie right it's like what is that yes so that's so he's so crazy and it's so not he's tuned into a dimension that's like right next door to ours.

You ever met people that are like that? They're not quite seeing things the way everybody else around us is seeing. Right. You know, you got to wonder, what does the world look like to them? You know, how many times have you met a comic? Okay, perfect example. Oh, I know. The open mic guys, they come off stage and they fucking ate dick and they hear phantom

laughs. They'll come off and go, I think that went pretty good. Yeah. Pretty good set. I've asked people. I've asked them while watching them do silence, having silent performances. Actually, Bobcat Goldwaite

definitely directed Windy City Heat. Here's that on Amazon. He directed that as well? We're having this Friday because we're not having an Ice House show Friday. We're having it Wednesday this week. We're having the whole Ding Dong show having a special podcast here so you can meet them. And then they're going to talk about their podcast, which is the Big Three Podcast Network.

So we're going to have Don in the studio. The Big Three Podcast Network? What is that? The Big Three is Don Barris' podcast with all the characters from this movie, Scary Perry. You're going to bring that guy here? Yeah. When is this? Friday at 10 o'clock.

Wow. Are you going to deal with that guy? I hang out with all those people all the time. Do you want that Perry guy here hanging out? He's a normal. He's fine. He's just crazy. Really?

He's not going to do anything bad or anything like that. Plus, I just upped the insurance, so it would be fine. No, he's not going to buy. No, he's not going to be that, but anything like that. Plus, I just upped the insurance, and so it would be fine. No, he's not going to buy. No, it's not going to be that, but it's going to be a descent into madness. Oh, that's what the... If you haven't listened to our podcast, it's the most amazing soap opera of a podcast. It's great. It's very addicting if you're looking for a new podcast.

When did this podcast get started? It was for a while. That used to be on Adam Carolla's network and stuff like that, and then now Don has a whole studio in his house. Pretty much has a studio like this inside his house. And it's great. Neil Leeds. You can't be beat.

The mattress guy that owns that mattress store right here. A couple mattresses stores. Big celebrity in LA. He's now one of the new sponsors. And he's now, every Ding Dong show, he comes to the Ding Dong show and he's just crazy. Really? It is insane. That dude's just crazy really it is insane that dude's nuts but it's hilarious man it's if you can see those characters uncomfortable talking

to crazy people you you don't well you can have that guy in the studio i would be freaking out i'd be like i can't this is not right i can't have a conversation while there's someone here that's not having the same conversation right someone here is in another room looking at the whole thing through plexiglass. Right. I can deal with those people in spurts. Like, I'm not going to have the person over to my house or I'm not going to, like, fucking start hanging out. But you know those people, they almost have, like, a consciousness condom on.

Right. Like, they're not feeling everything that's happening. It's not. They're in a different reality. Yeah. Remember that guy, Joe, late at night on the comedy show, Robert Adubayo? He's still there. Robert Adubayo.

Yeah, I talked to him the other day. Yeah. He ran away. He always liked me. Me and him always used to get along he was a nice guy because those like don barris would always be mean to that dude and i'm like he's not a bad guy man he's just kind of crazy but he's he's a pleasant to be around you know yeah he's a nice guy it's not being mean anybody he would walk from downtown yeah he still does as He still does. High as a kite. Is he high? Yeah. No, not high, but I don't know. I smoked weed with that dude. Have you ever seen

his, have you ever seen his like his web show that he did with Mary, like Mary Jane and Don produced it? Like it's a show for him. It's kind of like this, but a podcast. I'll show you a clip of it. It will blow your mind. How long ago did they start doing this? Like two years ago. Don Barris? Don Barris helped film it.

But I thought him and Don Barris hated each other. Oh, you know they all love each other. Don takes care of so many people there. He takes care of Robert William Abrevaia? Well, you know, Mary Jane... Wow, that's great. Because for the longest time, remember he was calling them Hitler and you would always see them and put his finger over his nose and say that they're Hitler?

Well, you got to remember Don Barris has been there so fucking long. Don Barris has been there for a long time. How long would you say, 20 years maybe? At least. Always got along with Don Barris. He's a fucking sweetheart of a guy. I don't think in the 20 years that I've known that guy, or however long it's been, not quite 20 years,

but however many years it's been in L.A., never ever had even an unpleasant word with Don Barris. He's the sweetheart of a guy. Our relationship's very funny because Eddie Haskell's me. Good evening, Mr. Herrera. How are you doing? You look great tonight. That's a beautiful color for you. It's always some sort of

an act. Always put on a certain voice. Fuck around with you. Him and Brian Callen have some elaborate rape theme they do every time they see each other where where uh don barris winds up raping brian callan it starts out like it always starts out the same way it always ends the same way there's something about the store where people do stupid shit like that and like keep it going forever remember the thing they used to have with eleanor we used to ask her about it you

got changed for a dollar and she would go dig in her apron and start masturbating and we would do this. This is a stupid fucking thing. We would do literally

once a week for years. You and her used to get rough together though. She's crazy. That girl's strong too. Remember when she

was a pro wrestler? Yeah. We used to go see her. Easy Rider. Easy Rider, right. We went to see her. She was one of the waitresses and now she's a very funny comic.

Eleanor Kerrigan is her name. She's hilarious. And we're so happy she's finally doing stand-up because she was always one of the funniest people that would hang around at the store, and she wasn't even a comic. She was a waitress. We had a thing called the punch to the twat

where I would go to her, I think you need it. She goes, I think so too. And I would hit her, and I would hit her, and she would act like it hurt, I think you need it. She goes, I think so too. And I go, and I would hit her and I would hit her and she would act like it hurt and she'd stagger around. I remember that.

And then she acted like she came. She'd be like, oh. Yeah, that's right. Oh, what a relief. Nothing like a good punch to the twice. She's really committed to it. She would start off in like deep, deep pain. Yeah, yeah.

And then she would start coming. Ooh. Yeah, and then she would start coming after the initial impact of the punch. In a way that only someone who really probably enjoys a good twat punch

could deliver it. She embodied that. She did. The idea of it. But she was, we would have a long, I mean, we have this thing

that was running at the comedy store for fucking years where I'd go, do you have any, do you have any change? Hold on a second. And she would just start my estimate she'd like reach into her apron she's like oh and she would like completely commit eyes closed legs pinched together toes pigeon feet

and be like i mean i only need like a quarter if you just have one quarter i'll give you a dollar no no hold on hold on hold on i'm gonna get it i'm gonna get it oh and it was so over the top and every time she would do it she would try to top it because you know we could we're doing the same goddamn gag over and over again for years you know so she would try to try to double it over but i remember the cunt punch I remember when you would cunt punch her And I think you stomped on the ground too Pro wrestling style To make it seem like it was real Check this out Joe

The Robert Albert Show Robert William Aperbaya Aperbaya Show Starring Robert William Aperbaya This is Robert William Aperbaya Inviting you to join me for a stand up comedy By the official comedian for the 1996 elections and a speech on the following subject,

the United States of America should re-legalize hip. And now, ladies and gentlemen, here's Robert. That was Robert, by the way. Yeah, that's him. There he goes. He wears that same shirt everywhere he goes. That same outfit. It's green.

Yeah, and he keeps a paper plate that he carries around that's covered up with aluminum foil and stuff like that. A paper plate covered up with aluminum foil? Yeah, and he protects his head from lasers. Remember, he used to always take like this, block his head, because he thinks people are shooting lasers at him when he walks into the comedy store. Whoa. Yeah.

Jesus Christ. Lasers. Yeah. What is it? I wonder if he was crazy always or if one day just reality just became too difficult. Well, I've never seen him not crazy, so I wouldn't. But isn't it weird that there's like shades of crazy? And he's functioning.

Yeah, he's functioning. How does he make a living? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. But he does get on stage at the store.

Still goes up. Don Barris is like at a store and Robert's walking. It's funny. word Roberts walking be a there's a problem parents are so crazy so he's what one of those guys are just like I said about you guys around you automatically have a smile you know and add Robert here room up right here. And wasn't he one of the original guys that was supposed to take over for the Letterman? And that's what he used to always talk about?

What? There's the aluminum story. And I think, yeah, he was one of the guys. is he cool with them doing this and putting this shit online i have no idea oh they're following him around and just filming him dude this is this is probably not the best thing i wonder if they got his permission for this is that charles fleischer yeah there's a guy i haven't seen in forever. This is for the folks watching at home. They're just following around a guy who has a slippery grip on reality. But a nice enough guy. Yeah, he's really nice.

I always try to talk to him, but it's impossible now to talk to him. I even tried to give him a joint the other day, and he just ran away. Isn't it interesting how the store just sort of attracts those types of characters? We've talked about it so many times with that vortex of Hollywood, that whole area between like the Rainbow Room and the Roxy and, you know, where the Viper Room is and all the way down to where the store is. And even the Laugh Factory. Like that area is so strange.

It's such a vortex of bizarre people. The Viper Room especially. You ever done stand-up there? No. I've seen a lot of music there. And also the Rainbow is like that 80s tight pants, rocker look. They won't let it go. They found a spot. They found a spot and they

agreed to all go there. They found a spot where you know you're going to be able to see someone from that era is going to come by. It reminds me of the Kennison days, that place. Yeah, right? He used to talk about it. It was his HBO special.

He talked about the Rainbow Bar and Grill, about meeting crazy girls over there that can't wait to meet you and blame their whole miserable, fucked up life on you. Right. He had some great Tortured relationship shit Oh he was funny One of the best right When it comes to Tortured relationship shit

I was married For two fucking years Talking about Meeting the devil Hell would be like club med Hell would be like club med He was a real game changer That dude

It's hard to change the game today everybody's seen everything with the internet the way it is now it's amazing how much more educated people are today and how much more weird shit information you gotta keep changing stuff I did a bit about how there's no place to go

in comedy I don't know if you ever saw me do this we've been as sacrilegious as you can be as vulgar as you can be about how there's no place to go in comedy. I don't know if you ever saw me do this, but I used to do it. Like you said, we've been as sacrilegious as you can be, as vulgar as you can be. The only thing left to do is actually come on the crowd. At the end of his act, his pants open up, and he just started like a fucking machine gun.

People are running at you, but you can't help but turn and look back, and you get it right in the eye. I could imagine easily a culture where it would be okay if the performer came on the audience. There's way worse shit out there. There's way crazier shit out there that people are doing. I mean, just even circumcision is pretty fucking nuts.

Cutting baby dicks. You've been cutting baby dicks for thousands of years. Hey, it's a living. It's a living. It's a living. It's a living. Remember that show? No.

Some sitcom with some chick that was on, think she was on celebrity rehab one of the first ones hmm I Remember here's George Jetson His dog Elroy, yeah, what year was the Jetson supposed to be in future like 1980 Isn't it funny that like when you go and look at shit that they thought was going to be... It's a disappointment. Do you know what Blade Runner was supposed to be taking place in? No. 2019.

Oh, really? Yeah. What is this? It's a living. I don't remember this at all. Wow, look at all these fake acting women. What is this song. Susan Sullivan. Ooh, she's milfy.

Where are all these women now? Oh, don't even bring it up. Oh, I bet she's hot. I bet she's still hot. She's got a lot of milfy shit going on. That's milfy. I hope she works out. She's pretty.

Somebody put a Photoshop together with what all these girls look like now. And Jillian. I know her. Do you? I did. I did a roast with Mike Ditka. She was on it. Is that guy a comic? I don't know. It's weird sitcoms from the 70s. The Wacky Chef.

He's dead. I've never seen the 70s. The wacky chef. He's dead. Oh, my God. I've never seen the show before. Wow. No, me neither. Isn't it crazy just going back in time? What year was that, Brian? That's Danny Thomas' son. Yeah?

What year was that, that It's a Living was on the air? Joe, I never saw that show. I don't know why I remembered it. Not only that, you remember the theme. It's like 1980s is all I see. 1980s. Wow. I remember that show. I think I was in high school. It was remember the theme. It's like 1980s is all I see. 1980s.

Wow. Early 80s. I remember that show. I think I was in high school. It was on the air. Weird. It's amazing how much culture has evolved from that to, what's Larry David's show? Kirby Enthusiasm.

Kirby Enthusiasm. Think of that. Think of the difference between that show, how complex and hilarious and how, like... Brilliant. Brilliant and multi-layered and faceted it is, where it just gets twisted up into things. Yeah, yeah. You know, where, you know, I mean, he... Remember when he had a water bottle in his pants and the girl came in the bathroom?

I mean, he's just... Oh, he's unbelievable. Unbelievable. Well, they used to say that... Like, a friend of mine worked for both the Everybody Loves Raymond and Seinfeld. And he said to me, Raymond was so simple because it was an A plot. The whole show was an A plot, sometimes a B. Seinfeld was A, B, C, D.

And they'd throw everything. The guy would hit the golf ball. It goes in the whale's blowhole. And Jason Alexander lies about being a marine biologist. Marine biologists, the way everything fit together in 22 minutes. Clean. And they had to work clean. Yeah.

It was a brilliant, brilliant show. And, you know, if you look at, like, those old Father Knows Best, and it's almost like a different species of thing. Like, people were so stupid. Like, how could you have this show on the air? You realize how naive culture was just in the 1950s. The only one that holds up to me and makes me laugh still is andy of maybury well just listen to what you said about the twilight zone that holds up

that story holds up yeah they wake up and they realize they were actually getting further away from the sun yeah jesus christ that's a creepy creepy fucking show twilight zone was amazing remember to serve man yes the aliens came it was a cook cookbook. It's a cookbook. Well, if you think about the way we treat dolphins and the way we treat killer whales, I would think that if aliens came here, they might either fuck us or eat us. Yeah. It's very possible, right? If they're way smarter than us.

If they look at us, we're so stupid. We're still using nuclear power and assholes are polluting everything. You know, you give a fuck and they'd eat us. That's why I have a poor diet. I don't want to be delicious to those. Well, you really think about it. Your diet probably makes you delicious. Oh, you're right.

It's all fat. Yeah, like a Wagyu steak. Like when they get that Kobe beef. Yeah, I mean, they feed it liquor and they massage it. It's perfect. It's just like me. That's a day in the life on the road. Get a nice deep tissue before the show.

Loosen up. You mind if I drink while you rub my back? Yeah. Do you ever get a deep tissue massage? No, I'm not a big massage guy. Really? Not even at the rub and tug kind of massages? I used to.

Do you have any fetishes? Those are hard to find, right? Fetishes? Like do you dress up in diapers or do anything weird like that? No. Diapers? Brian. I think the funniest fetish I ever heard, I don't know if it's true, was Elton John. He liked to run across the room naked and guys would throw oranges at him.

At his ass. That was his thing? Yeah. Supposedly. Supposedly. Supposedly. But that's like Rod Stewart supposedly had to get a stomach pump because there was like a quart and a half of comedy. Yeah. He blew his soccer team. Hey, guys, in lieu of pay, I'd like to blow all of you.

The best rumor of all time, though, the king of the rumors, is the Richard Gere gerbil up the ass rumor. Yeah, yeah. That rumor is, that's the Mike Tyson of 1985. How do you deny it? Of rumors. I never rigid gear gerbil up the ass rumor that rumor is that's the mike tyson of 1985 how do you deny rumors i never had a gerbil up my i think scientology might have done it to him i think he had uh been involved you think they really put a gerbil is there no they probably spread the rumor how the fuck did that rumor get you know eddie bravo grew up here in la i grew up in boston and we both heard that rumor. It made it through the whole country. Joe, who's the first guy that thought, I'm going to put an animal

in my ass? I think people are nuts. They put all kinds of things in their ass. What do you mean? An animal? A live animal? How fucking terrifying. There's always someone looking to take it to the next level. Nipping? They found a guy who was drunk driving. He had a zebra in his car. A zebra and a giraffe or some shit like that. I just tweeted it. What?

Yeah, you think you've seen everything. You think,'ve pretty much you know figured out like what people are capable of and what they're not capable of no no no no let me let me read this to you because it is the most ridiculous shit we had on uh sam triple E's naughty show last night a woman that was a bondage mistress and uh she had her own personal slave and it was so weird it was like pulp fiction we're like bring out the gimp and this girl just like a month at a time would just live with this woman and her boyfriend who was the guy from no fx people are so crazy man i mean then they just were like all right you want to see us beat her and so she like like here they're just she's like wailing on this girl with these whips and stuff by the way the guy

had a zebra and a parrot in the front seat of his truck. Sounds like a joke. And he got arrested in Dubuque, Iowa, driving drunk with a zebra and a parrot. I don't know how the fuck. How could he fit a zebra in it? I don't understand it. I'm looking at it here. It's a little zebra, obviously.

It's not a big zebra, but it's a fucking zebra. Wow. This asshole's driving around with a zebra like it's his Jack Russell derriere. Hey, you guys want to go for a ride? He's going to train a zebra. Isn't it amazing that there's some animals like zebras you can just buy? You just figure out a way to buy it. How the fuck can you just buy a zebra, man?

Craigslist. You can buy a fucking tank in this country if you have enough money. Wow, they have a little zebra, man. I'm looking at this. Man arrested for OWI with zebra parrot in front seat of truck. Just Google that. And then there's a video and he's got a parrot

or the lady has a parrot sitting on her shoulder and there's a guy he's just a fucking crazy old cracker and he has a pet zebra. Oh, wow, look at this. While looking at this. Look what I just found while looking at this. What? Breeder of miniature donkeys, giant grant zebras.

What? And you can buy zebras? Let's see what's for sale right now. Oh, my God. Oh, look at that. You can buy a zebra. A zebra? What the fuck?

You can fucking buy a zebra, dude. Dude, look at it. How about a Z donkey? It's only $3,000. What's a Z donkey? Look at that. Look at that thing. Scroll up.

That's half zebra, half donkey, son. A Z donkey it is. Oh, my God. I was joking around. That's what it's called.3,000. What's a Z-donkey? Look at that. Look at that thing. Scroll up. That's half zebra, half donkey, son. It's Z-donk. It is. Oh, my God. I was joking around. That's what it's called. A Z-donk. A Jasmine, a Z-donk.

When I said Z-donkey, I was joking. Dude, you need to get a Z-donkey. There's a half donkey, half zebra. That's insane. A giant zebra, $5,000. You have your own zebra for $5,000. The fuck would I do with a zebra, man? Get one, dude.

Look. Look at the Z-donk. I want to watch the video. What's that, an alpaca? Fucking that donkey. I wonder if the zebra fucked the donkey or the donkey fucked the zebra. Imagine the zebra did the fucking. Look at this little apple jack.

I think your beaters are wild. I think you're being presumptuous, Joe. What the fuck is that? Apple jack. We're looking at something that says a spotted miniature donkey jack. Oh, my God. I got to get out of here. I got to go do.

I got to be at Adam Carolla's place in half an hour. Okay. The end. Dom Herrera, you're the fucking king, as always. This is always fun, man. Thank you. It couldn't have been more fun. It's impossible.

Thanks for putting me on Twitter. Anytime you want to do it again, we keep doing it. We do it constantly. I love it. We'll never stop, Dom Herrera. I'll be back after Ireland. You are officially in the death squad now. Are you comfortable with that? I'm very comfortable. never stop, Dom Herrera. I'll be back after Ireland. You are officially in the Death Squad now. Are you comfortable with that?

I'm very comfortable. Death Squad, Dom Herrera. Thank you, boys. He's official, right? Can we agree? We'll have a meeting. We'll cut. Oh, damn.

June 30th. Drop a cannon if I can. Boom. Please. June 30th. Go see the great Dom Herrera. One of the funniest comics of all time. And that's even in Comedy Central.

Ditto, my friend. Comedy Central even says that. Number 79. You fucking savage. Better than Slayton, who was 78. Oh, Slayton, suck it! Suck it, Bobby! Thank you to The Fleshlight for sponsoring our podcast.

Go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for The Fleshlight, enter in the code name Rogan, save yourself some money, it's on 15%. How about that? Thanks also to Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, makers of Alpha Brain, Shroom Tech Sport, which I take before I work out, which keeps me so yoked.

Shroom Tech Immune pumps up your immune system. And New Mood, which is a 5-HTP. So it's all explained on Onnit.com. It's fabulous. It's wonderful. And we've got kettlebells coming out very soon. ONNIT.com. Talk to you freaks soon.

Oh, next, what do we got tomorrow? We have Joey Coco Diaz. Yes. Joey Diaz is tomorrow. At 1 o'clock, I believe. And then we got Burt Kreischer. What time is Burt Kreischer? Burt Kreischer is on Thursday. Cool.

Sweet. Is that what I said? I didn't know about Burt Kreischer. I shouldn't be taking care of this. I'm too fucking scatterbrained to be. I made a tweet about it. Let me read my tweet my own tweet so i'll know who's on a podcast this week i want to get one of these little zebra cherry dart you

don't want to have a fucking zebra wandering around your household what about this little horse thing what was it called again a cherry dart or apple bird crashes on thursday yes i just wanted to confirm because i wasn't because i know there was we tried to do another day, but he couldn't make it. And then next week, we've got Shane Smith coming up, Bass Nectar. We've got a lot of shit coming up. Bobcat. Bobcat, Goldthwait next Wednesday. So next Wednesday, that's a hot three right there, ladies and gentlemen.

Bass Nectar. Come on, son. Sweet. We're going to have a good time. And Shane Smith will return and tell us some more fucking crazy stories about wherever that guy's been all over the world. Sweet. You've got to get Anthony Bourdain on the show and talk about's been all over the world. Sweet. You've got to get Anthony Bourdain on

the show and talk about Olive Garden. Bro, Olive Garden sucks. You've got to shut it up. He's going to stab you.

Anthony Bourdain's going to stab you. I'll see you guys tomorrow. Early. It'll be one o'clock for Joey Diaz. Later.

Bye. Later.