The Joe Rogan Experience - #220 - Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: May 24, 2012

Joe sits down with Bert Kreischer.

Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night! All day! Powerful Bert Kreischer. I'm planning mine. I'm gonna try to match Nick Diaz on the biggest stage possible. Like, whether it be Letterman,

like, just slide it in. But I want to make it awkward. Like, Joe Rogan podcast, but hey, Nick Diaz at night.

I mean, never mind. Oh, shit. Nick Diaz at night. Man, fucking K.L. Sonnen. K.L. Sonnen.

That dude is a motherfucker. Yeah. I fucking, that guy is, I've never been sold to an entity. Yeah. He could lead me into war. He's a fascinating dude Yeah. I fucking, that guy, I've never been sold to an entity. Yeah. He could lead me into war.

He's a fascinating dude. He really is a fascinating guy. You know when I really, when it was really intense, when he was talking about how he was willing to fight him in Brazil. Yes! And that he knew that if he beat him in Brazil in front of 80,000 people, like, they were going to want his head. What did he say about the Brazilians? Well, you know, I mean, he said a lot of shit. He's insulted Noguera, who's Anderson Silva's jiu-jitsu trainer and a famous mixed martial arts fighter,

a former pride champion, and one of the all-time greats. It's like, it would be like insulting Muhammad Ali or something along those lines, or insulting, no, I wouldn't say Muhammad Ali, Sugar Ray Leonard or something, you know what I mean? It's like, because he's not like a political figure.

Do you remember Teresa Neal's joke about Michael J. Fox? No. It was my favorite. I'm watching Michael J. Fox on a news conference about Parkinson's, and this motherfucker's trying to out-shake the champ. How you gonna out-shake the champ? Muhammad's trying to out shake the champ how you gonna out shake

the champ Muhammad's trying to catch up but he's like I got you Muhammad oh fucking Patrice was a genius oh he was so funny he's a fucking funny motherfucker so anyway back to Chael Sonnen it was so funny here you go Brian um Chael Sonnen you know he insulted Minotaur Noguera who like I said it's a great champion and you know uh in know, in Brazil, he's a fucking hero. You know, he insulted his jiu-jitsu. It was a lot of negative things that he said about Brazilians. And so they fucking hate him. And people don't realize how, like, nationalistic Brazilians are, man.

I got that from that podcast that I was like. They take it to the next level. I've never been in a crowd that's so nationalistic brazilians are man i got that from that podcast that i was like they take it to the next level i've never been in a crowd that's so nationalistic that was so wanted the the brazilian fighters to win and fucking hated when the foreign fighters won really yeah only one foreign fighter won mike kyle was the only guy who won that night and there were some fucking scraps i'm telling you the the the energy in the crowd is just so intense. They love fighting in Brazil. They fucking love it, man.

But very respectful people, very nice people, very friendly. It's not like there's a bunch of thugs going around. Everywhere you go, people are pretty chilled and laid back. It's a beautiful country. I'd like to go. That's great. But it's probably never going to happen. You can go with me.

You want to go with me? Fucking in. Okay. I'm done. Why do you think it's I don't It's not gonna Probably never gonna happen You can go with me You wanna go with me? Fucking in Okay I'm done Why do you think it's not gonna happen? You travel like every fucking week You're about to go to Scotland There's a UFC in Brazil

In June I'm in I'll take you with me I'm in Alright If it fits in my fucking schedule My schedule's chaotic Alright we'll see

Yeah I'm in I'd love to do that I'd love to go to fucking Brazil Do you know how fucking wild that would get? You know what it's crazy man When you just look out over the ocean like the the view that they have like like especially in rio it's like um so they're like so connected to nature you know what i mean like they're

completely connected to nature i mean you look at uh how rio is with the favelas and the hills and the city at the bottom and the oceans right there and the way you look at it's like man they're constantly reminded by nature yeah you know that's something that a lot of places in America just don't have New York doesn't really have that you see mostly buildings you see mostly shit that we made there's something about being in the presence of something like mountains and ocean where it just makes you go shit or even just like wind like i went to the top of mount washington and the winds were like 110 miles an hour yeah and you were up there and you literally i man my heart sunk out of my asshole i was like

i could be lifted off this mountain by god just see you bert dude could you fucking imagine that's happened before people have been taken off the sides of cliffs. Fuck yes. Fuck yeah, they have. Dude, cars get tripped over by wind. Wait, hold on. So you're telling me when I'm driving on the street and I feel my car getting pushed by wind. It's totally possible. That there are cars that have...

Because I always go, it'll never happen. In huge storms, of course. Semis, of course. Hurricanes. Yeah, well, you know, in Dallas, the last tornado man there were there were semis that were flying in the air you didn't see that no i did not oh my god dude that was just this year this year in dallas have you seen it pull up the video man you got to show it to him because it's just so i have a video it's so hard to look at it's just it's you try to wrap your mind around

something that could take a semi and float it in the air. Something that you can't see. An 18-wheeler truck. It's invisible. And it's floating this fucking semi in the air. And the only reason why it's visible at all is because it's got a swarm of shit that it's carrying. It's circling around. It's got a swarm of shit inside of it.

Fuck. God damn it. That's scary. What do you do in that situation? You get pulled up in the wind. Do you... Is there anything scarier than seeing that funnel clown? Just knowing there's nothing that can stop it.

And you... But that thought where you go, there's no way this is going to get me. Look at that, dude. Those... Can you see that? That's a fucking semi? Several.

That's a fucking semi? Several semis, bro. That's a fucking semi? Several semis, bro. ...twirling around in the sky and then dropping down from at least 50 feet high down into the ground. Are you fucking kidding me? Look at that, dude. Look at that. Look at that. Are you fucking...

Down it comes. Bang. Lands on its... Oh, my God. Look at that. Those are semis. Semis, dude. Those are 18- wheelers, man.

Look at that! Holy shit! There's like three of them. It's juggling semis. Those are light poles. Those are light poles that are standing up. The semis are like, holy shit. Look at that fucking thing, man. It's so weird that we are so like so you know nonchalant about these things about

tornadoes and and living in the just even the remote possibility that a tornado might hit your area like shouldn't you factor that into where you fucking live everything you do that should be factored you should have definite escape plans into a cellar like you shouldn't just be like well if it comes let's just hope did you ever see that joplin missouri footage where they showed the before and after i believe it was joplin missouri it was a town that was literally erased literally erased no the tornadoes come and the scary scary thing is they can come in the middle of the night man they can come in the middle of the night so you have to have like tornado warning so someone's got to be paying attention and they got to blow horns and then you got to get in your

basement while the monster made out of wind rips your house apart like dude they had entire communities just vanished they completely vanished down to the foundation it's like if that was a wind if that was a werewolf that was doing that you know i'm saying bad wolf that wants to huff and puff and blow to your house down you'd be like we gotta kill that fucking thing we gotta get away from where it lives we can't you know but instead of it being a werewolf escape plan it's a wind monster and we just sort of accept it you live you live in the path of a werewolf it's a wind monster man it's a god it's thor you know it's ripping houses apart it's a god i mean no wonder why is storms you know when when the you know people were savages they thought

it was the anger of the gods you know no wonder why could you imagine you don't know where it's coming imagine something like katrina where you don't know when it's coming yeah well maybe it is maybe it's a reaction maybe it's a reaction of us being disrespectful well it's maybe a reaction just to the the biological the sheer size of the the biological entities of the human race you know the massive amount of waste that we put out and if that makes it global warming and if that really does pick up the intensity of storms I know all that shits debated I don't know if that's true or not whether or not I mean people have tried to make that connection between human beings global warming and the acceleration of

these big storms but I don't know where the status of that is so I don't want to speak to that but it's negative energy all collected but what how weird would it be if that's if we found it was true that we found out that once people get to certain fever pitch you know the earth just has a response of these big gusts of wind monsters to sort of like shut everybody the up why is it so warm over here if we were all hipp, it would just be sunny everywhere. Sunny and beautiful. Yeah. Can you imagine if that's what it is?

It's like God's death squad is the tornadoes. God just sends them down every now and then. Please get these cunts off my planet. And you just hear Joey Diaz going, listen, cocksuckers. It's just a thing where God created people, but people just figured out how to get way too good at some shit yeah and way too quickly and it's the race between it nature trying to squash us and us trying to transcend being human that's a fucking bizarre concept that's the race that's the race right now that's the race it's between us coming up with some sort of technology that lifts us out of our monkey existence or the earth swallowing us up in a super volcano.

Fuck. That's some good champagne. It's great champagne. That's fucking. What are we celebrating? We're celebrating. Hold on. Hold on.

Let's wrap this up because I'm a little, my mind's a little fucking blown. Okay. That fucking concept is like, is bizarre the fucking god is just it's that it's ridiculous really it's just weather no all right so the reason i brought this up i mean i just i'm gonna say it but if nature was a system and if like you know certain things got too high like human waste if human waste caused a certain amount of disease which it does you know things where we things up cause a certain amount of debt it's almost like cancer with sex you lost me fella yeah like if you have sex then that's the the planet's way of getting back like stop having sex then you read the bible we're gonna make cancer

so if you stop having never mind i don't know what i'm talking about this is we're going to make cancer so if you stop having never mind i don't know what the fuck i'm talking about this is oh my god i i think i kind of you know what i mean like what if it was connected cancer the worst thing in the world connected with the best thing in the world kind of like the same kind of karma thing see what happens when you get high is that the i this is what i think is that you have a paragraph in your head that is very well thought out, but all you can piece together are like five words out of that paragraph, and your brain scrambles and picks the five best ones. And the worst is when you're halfway into the paragraph

and you go, what the fuck am I even talking about? It is the worst. That's why you usually would cut that out if it was a normal thing. Yeah, it's a normal thing. You know how awesome I would look, and you you would look and we would all look if we edited all these things in like the best hour wait wait wait fucking definitely you i fucking those best of the brian clips on youtube hilarious made me laugh so fucking hard because

there's something i'm very similar to brian in a lot of ways is that like i think we're both very childish we're both have like a very child heart and so i hear some of those things and i can tell when he's trying to be funny i can tell when he's trying to be serious i fucking laughed in a hotel room bed for an hour just watching it over and over again yeah Yeah, it was pretty ridiculous. If you call out all the best moments, you know. The best, my favorite one is when he goes, my dad has magic glasses. You can see, one can see up close, and then I'm listening, and I go,

they're called bifocals, asshole. Benjamin Franklin had them business. My dad, when I was back in Ohio, bought one of those things where it's a belt that goes around really really fast and it has like these metal prongs that that uh just hover over the belt the the rubber belt so it collects electricity and then you have you put this little dome on it and the electricity then collects inside the dome and it gets off uh i think it's 20 000 volts of

electricity it makes or something like that and so he's showing this to me and he's like he's like he's to let me because this is what he's doing on his free time he's like look he has all these batteries like lined up and these wires he's like i'm trying to have the electricity conduct and copper wires and and he's like explaining like this whole and he's like if i could figure this out we're gonna be billionaires and i'm like what and then he does watch what happens when i turn off the light and he puts a he takes a metal hammer with a rubber thing and he just holds it out the thing and the electricity just starts shooting towards the hammer and in between you know the part where you pull out nails like the little v thing just electricity is going back and

forth really really fast and it's like, I was like, Dad, what the fuck are, you need to start smoking weed because this is really cool if you were high just going into this little fucking thing. But he's got to wear a dome over his head? No, he just,

he just holds onto the rubber of the, the, the hammer. Did you get your dad baked? Didn't you get your dad high on edibles? No, it was weed pop soda. Weed soda. Yeah, he didn't know he didn't know you dosed him yeah really yeah shut up dude i have it on video also so why did you dose your dad

uh because i i wanted him i wanted to see what would happen oh my god motherfucker oh my god and you know what happened you know what happened he became very giggly and laughing and happy, and it was really cute, and I've never told him about it, but I have it on a video. Why wouldn't you tell him? Why wouldn't you tell him? Because, you know, it was like, I don't know. Because he was hanging out at my house in California.

He was in town for work, and I only got to see him one night, and he was hanging out with us having us he likes to drink he likes to have a couple drinks so he was having cocktails it wasn't out of the blue right right he was having fun and then so we were all sitting around and i think you or somebody gave me a bottle this huge don't blame me this huge champagne bottle you did it it looked like a champagne bottle but it was uh pop soda pop and so i poured a glass and katie poured a glass, and I was like, Dad, do you want some of this? And I said it kind of like, I don't know if he knows what this is, but he's like, sure, I'll have some of that. And I'm like, okay. And then I just gave it to him.

And it started off, you know, my dad was just, you know, talking like he usually does, you know, about how to, you know, break perpetual emotion or whatever he always talks about. And then he just became giggly and happy and it was just like shitty grin the whole time. Why wouldn't you tell him about this? I don't know. Yeah, but it seems like he enjoyed it. Yeah, but he has a real job.

If he would have got drug tested, he would have got fired from his job. What the fuck, man? Why'd you dose up your dad? Can you imagine he gets drug tested i would have he would have got fired from his job man why'd you dose up your dad can you imagine he gets drug tested and like i swear i've never smoked pot in my life well according to your hair follicles yeah three weeks ago you were higher than it was a long time ago i could never notice my dad my dad would oh wow i just don't know why you wouldn't just tell him i know i will one day when we becomes legal in Ohio I will tell them

that's so crazy like five years that's so crazy dude just tell them tell them what happened or better yet guys if you're listening and you know Brian tell them don't do that let me tell them let me tell them so I can videotape it

at least what the fuck did your dad do to you when you were young that you want to torture him like this he made me look at his inventions and machines for hours and hours on end i just sat there and watched that's what you did wires yeah like there's a picture of me like on a old school computer i don't know if you ever seen me tweet it or whatever and i'm just like playing on this old like i don't know what it was machine that me tweet it or whatever. And I'm just like playing on this old, like, I don't know what it was, machine. And that's pretty much what I did. Like, every night I would go downstairs

and watch my dad try to invent crazy shit and fix things. Like, he was one of those guys that you could give him anything and he would fix it. Like, anything. Like, you'd give him a TV, you'd give him a fucking car, he'll take apart the car and figure out what's wrong with it and rebuild. Like, if that part isn't made anymore he would build that part and it's crazy

sounds like your dad might like might like meth better yeah that would be a fun drug for your dad he can get some fucking idea on adderall brian i reworked the fork like close some shit down right man adderall fucking works like i love those like this dude got an adderall and went on a rage who did brian brian went on an adderall rage i actually have my dad showing his uh computer machine you can hear how he talks it's fucking crazy i'd love to hear it all right let's let's listen to my dad talk about it uh this is him going into his workshop explaining his electricity machine should you be giving this stuff out on the air? Sure.

I mean, is this like a patent or anything that your dad's working on? Light comes on at night. This is a van graph generator. Now, this hammer still shocks me, so I use this one with a weather handle. Anything sharp like this, it doesn't spark to it, like a lightning rod, you know? Let me turn the light off. That thing won't probably work in the dark. Oh, my God.

Your dad's like Mr. Science. You have to get your eyes used to the dark. It was so scary because you can't see in the video, but there's like blue lightning bolt flying everywhere. See the glow come over to the hammer yeah so I know I hear you're an interesting yeah but people don't understand is this is in the dark okay he's showing us this game he's got it was like a blow one of those Tesla machines yeah it's something like that yeah so it's kind of he's got one of Tesla machines he's got it's not a big laboratory either no it's a it's a it's a it's a

little work space that he built the other day recently he built the whole thing he just like tore down uh like the side of his house like like with a sledgehammer and built this humongous workshop for him and the other day he's like i'm gonna buy a new car so he bought a new car so he extended his garage by two two cars your parents still married no they're divorced but he's been remarried for like i don't know 15 20 years or something like that that's a lot like you i guess like you're you like that you like the to figure shit out yeah he pretty much if there was computers yeah when he was my age he would be doing the same thing with computers do you think that what you'd like your your Creativity with computers and that you know just your your interest at all from 100 percent really wow That's that's amazing isn't it how that can be translated you ever met like the children of singers who can just naturally sing

Oh, yeah, fuck. Yeah, my kids are naturally like I genuinely say my kids are naturally funny really Oh a hundred percent Like my kids are like funny. Really? Oh, 100%. My kids, they make other people laugh. How old are your kids? Five and seven. And they're fucking funny. Do you think it's from being around you, being around a comic, or do you think it's genetics? I think two things. I think one is being around me, and I'm constantly light light-hearted and i always fucking my goal for

everything is laughter about everything and then i think also that i have a group of friends that run through my house that my kids have been around and they try to make them laugh and i think that that takes up to you know it's like look if you're sitting in a baptist church and nothing has happened to people at all but if you're sitting in a baptist church you're trying to make the baptist preacher laugh it's a pretty easy laugh you don't really you oh isn't that right good job like it but it's not like a cultivated like sense of humor but when you got tom segura sitting on the couch and he's drinking beers and my kids are trying to make them laugh they come up with some funny my daughter yeah i this is gonna sound like a lie because i'm just telling you this yesterday this is maybe the hardest i've ever

laughed at my youngest daughter my wife is trying to brag on the fact that her and my youngest daughter, who we're having problems with developmentally, she's not retarded, but that sounds horrible too. Fuck, I shouldn't be talking. But she's not, she's not, she just emotionally, she's a very wild kid. She's a spirited child. Okay. So my wife's trying to brag on her to a stranger

I swear to God right now Okay, my wife goes Isla and I have been playing cooties and this lady this lady Kathy's sitting right there really she goes Yeah, and Isla what do we say when we when we lose the turn on cooties and Isla without missing a beat goes fuck your mother And I fucking fell apart laughing and my wife goes no no no and I'm laughing so hard Isla's going fuck your mother fuck your mother and Isla goes no he said my mom my wife's going no he said gosh darn it gosh darn it dag nub it like and Isla goes and then Isla just then because she knows she's gotta laugh she fucking everything's fucking your mother that day five years old fuck your mother I fucking and I have I swear to you on both of my children's life

that is exactly what happened and liam was like i don't know where she heard that i was like someone said it that's funny isn't it that's the big concern amongst uh people that are raising children is uh your kids learning how to swear and swearing and that being a sign of bad parenting i'm a horrible parent then so foolish it's so foolish the idea that you're going to exclude certain words and that somehow or another this excluding of certain words is going to make people behave differently is it really cunts are going to be cunts it is what is. You can't change things by removing fucks. If little kids say fuck, it's funny. It's bad if you over-fuck.

If you're talking to a guy, it's like this fucking guy with his fucking thing told the fucking guy. After a while, you're like, dude, you're killing my head. The way you're communicating is bizarre. It's not comfortable. I'm not receiving your information very comfortably but but just the occasional use of the word that you want to use in the right place i mean there's a reason why those words exist just because some folks aren't that good at using all the colors to paint

with it doesn't mean that those words should be excluded. So I always get offended when people say that kids shouldn't swear. Because I'm like, really? When is this going to stop? When is this nonsense of bad words going to stop? Well, if you started it off young, then it would never be a big deal. Exactly.

There's a reason why in European countries, a lot of kids get to drink and smoke. I was just in Italy, and they were talking about this. All of them were like, well, it's not a big deal in our house. I can have wine if I want. So why would I care about getting fucked up? They don't have as many issues. I think a lot of our issues with things that people have, like as far as obsessive-compulsive issues or addictive issues,

I think it's just a little game that your brain plays. When you can't get something, then you get it, and you shouldn't have it, and then you want it. I think it's just this weird seesaw thing that your brain can play. And part of that, one of the triggers of that, is suppressing people. Look, we all know this. We all knew this growing up. Who were the sluttiest girls?

Catholic school girls. Fuck, yes. I was going to say black, but... When I was growing up, the sluttiest girls were the girls that actually had to go to catholic school they had to go to like all girls schools the academy was where all girls went they suppressed the shit out of these girls man they made them wear these little dresses and they they told them to stay away from boys and i remember i dated two different girls that went to catholic school and they they told him to stay away from boys and i remember i dated two

different girls that went to catholic school and they were both fucking freaks like and when you're that age when you get introduced to a freak that way oh yeah it blows your fucking mind they just couldn't wait to get a hold of some dick because they were just told to stay away stay away stay away like they don't realize what they're creating and those women. And plus, it's like those savage bloodlines. It's all Irish and Italian and all these people in the Catholic school. Those are savage bloodlines, man. Those are bloodlines of people that have been cutting people with swords for thousands of years. It's an old European bloodline.

Ours was Cuban. That was all Catholic girls' schools were Cuban. Yeah, you're going to keep them away from Dick. Dude, I remember this chick. How dare you? This chick, Shannon, ninth grade, started dating her. I go to her house from Academy. And I go to her house for a date to hang out,

and her dad won't let her fucking leave. So she goes, well, we'll just sit in here, Dad, and watch a movie. And he goes, well, I'll be in the kitchen. Like, a wall away, right? Second he gets there, she grabs my hand and starts sucking my fingers, and I fucking came in my pants because i was fucking i've been jacking off until then i had no concept and i remember i made the mistake of telling everyone at school just i'll never forget i showed up and i told ty rodriguez and ty and i sat down for lunch

and ty's like guess who came in his pants i was like oh man you fucking dick and then i think that's where i got my sense of humor because i had to fuck you have to defend that in a weird way fucking you can't be the guy that's a stud you're the guy that came in his pants so by that girl sucking your finger she gave you a career in comedy probably man i was i was cool up until then like i was fucking stud shannon what's her fucking last name you gotta find her on facebook oh shit there's this girl i used to date that every time after sex like when we're spooning going to bed like i always have like one arm underneath her head and the other arm she always wanted me to put in her mouth like the suck her tongue and so she'd sit there and i found out that she liked it best after trial and error that she always liked it better like on the nose like so i would she

would suck my thumb until she fell asleep and then like i would have a grandmother thumb you know where it gets all wrinkly and i'd be like that's some issues i think i know it was hot it was hot it's like like oh she's my grandmother baby meanwhile i know your fingernails are not clean oh she made them clean if you look at my if you look at my thumb it was always the cleanest one oh it's so nasty and then sometimes like we would drink like you know like cranberry vodkas or whatever and like i would have like a stained thumb It was kind of embarrassed because you can't really wash the stain of the cranberry off of your thumb

So you'd walk around with a red thumb? We know do you know that guy Julian Assange from WikiLeaks the guy that's in trouble and they did want to Sexual assault I don't even know what WikiLeaks is and I know this story I don't know any of this really crazy is the re this guy released all these documents but what they're getting them on what they're they're prosecuting them on is having sex with a girl right he had sex with a girl with a condom on and then while they were sleeping together he apparently stuck it in without a condom and was her without a condom and she charged him with it's like sexual surprise or surprise sex like for real it's not that's a real thing yeah yeah i'm not i'm

not even joking and this is like literally why they're they're making this guy like live in a house arrest and constantly have to check in and i mean it's the the ball busting of him for for this one thing is extraordinary. It's like it's really confusing, like how much they're going after this guy. But it's really not about that, of course. It's about the WikiLeaks organization. What's WikiLeaks? WikiLeaks is an organization that got a bunch of documents from someone who's in the army.

And a lot of it was like very controversial. And it's just horrible shit. Like one of them they put out a video called collateral murder and it showed these uh guys that are uh you know in these uh helicopters these uh fighter jets whatever the fuck they were shooting from i think it was a helicopter and um they're uh they're shooting on civilians and they're shooting on civilians. And they're shooting on, you know, they think that these people have guns, and in fact they have cameras, and they open up on these people.

And they open up on these people that were putting kids in their fucking minivan. And when they hear that they had kids in the car, they go, well, shouldn't have been bringing kids with them anyway. Like, that was, like, their response. Like, you shouldn't have been bringing kids. Like, it's not that we had to cut them down with these fucking 50 caliber rounds no it's that they shouldn't been bringing the kids in the first place what are we going to do

it is what it is shouldn't be bringing kids i mean it's like they're they're glee in being able to take these people out like video games these are u.s soldiers guy uh-huh and then they put this video out and it was you know really controversial people saying it's terrible for morale it's this it's that it shouldn't have been released and then it turns out that there's a fuckload of documents all kinds of shit that they didn't want to have released and this kid had gotten a hold of this stuff and and passed it off to WikiLeaks and this kid is still in solitary confinement this kid's not Julian Assange no no okay no, no. Okay. I forget his name.

He's a Avery? What is his name? Let me see. I'll look it up. So then the U.S. government decided to go after WikiLeaks. Exactly. And then just basically fucking combed through this dude's life. Yeah, Bradley Manning is the guy's name.

He's still in, I believe he's he's still in I believe he's in solitary confinement I think he has great years they caught him and they just stuffed him in a cell and that's it it's really scary shit wait Julian Assange is the dude who leaked it is the website he Lee is Julian Assange is the guy who ran WikiLeaks and he's the guy who leaked all this information okay it was really crazy is that after he leaks the information then the sex charge comes up and they want to export them out of the country i think the norm way when they have these crazy sex laws like they have different you know this is people have weird laws on rape you know

this there's some feminists that believe and i've actually written i've read this and had to go back and read it several times just to really wrap my head around whether or not i i'd heard them right then the statement was that they believe that if a woman has been tricked by a man and deceived by a man into having and talked into having sex then that's rape and that's every girl i've ever had sex with yeah every girl i mean isn't that amazing that you should you could you should have the right if you feel deceived after the act after the voluntary act of intercourse you should have the right like everything if she thought you if she just thought you were a good guy i mean but to call that rape is crazy that's that is

deception but the sex was voluntary so it cannot be raped and just because you feel bad about something that you were coerced into doing that wasn't illegal yeah what if you come really fast that's my that's my whole point i told everyone i'd be good at it and i've never been good at it but it's not illegal it's sex rape is illegal so you can't make sex rape. You're turning it into rape. It wasn't rape. You were tricked, yes, but it was sex. You had voluntary sex. Like to call that rape, that is, anybody that would even think that that would be an acceptable idea

is an anti-human. That's anti-human. I will go as far to say that like I believe, I mean if you have me to put it down, I believe that rape is when a man assaults a woman and makes her do something, makes her have sex when she does not want to. And I do believe there is a gray line where date rape is involved. I do believe there are guys that force it and the woman's saying no but they do it yes. And I believe there's also a gray line where women are drunk, drunk and guys take advantage of i'm a dude i've been around dudes my whole life and i know that's happened i've had friends that have done that and they and they as

they walk you through the night you're like sounds a little rapey to me but but but but the truth is i mean as they walk you through the night yeah you're like you did what and you're like all right maybe i should report you so um but i do believe that because this is not the subject that everyone's talking about because it's uh like i went to college when the word rape became um flip-floppy and like chicks were saying they got raped when they genuinely didn't do you know what i mean like the word rape was a buzzword and so women were using the word rape like throwing it out and so women were using the word rape like throwing it out there right and then i think right like right after that is when comics got a

hold of the word rape like sarah silverman and made it a joke and took it that's why i love sarah man i'll always love that chick because she took things that i think i would joke out about with my friends and as a woman said them on stage and i thought i was like gangster dude that's the way to roll she's definitely gangster she's funny man she should be a supreme court judge whatever she says is right that should be it like there are women i mean i don't know what am i talking about well it's human beings have to have their together in order to be able to judge people and it's been pretty obvious that the system that they're judging people under right now is just so flawed and fucked up.

And no one's saying that it should all be dismantled. That's what's going to have to happen. They would have to dismantle the whole system to make anything fair. Supreme Court justice, Supreme Court period. All your crazy fucking laws. Jesus. Man, I heard. It's a big honeycomb of bullshit.

I heard Chris Rock say something one time that kind of fucking, that redefined everything. Man, I've had like things redefined for me within the last few months. So big, man. Like so big. We were talking about ego. I fucking, my ego is, that concept of ego, I've never understood. I fucking now understand. But Chris Rock said something about was saturday night

live racist i don't know where i heard it on and he was saying no it's not racist but there is a shorthand with that two white guys have that a black and a white guy don't have like two white guys like lauren michael and say chris farley there's a shorthand that they have that a black kid is not born with and when i heard that i went what what do you mean by a shorthand okay like um like uh like you ever got into a meeting with a bunch of white dudes and you just kind of you understand them and like or like when a guy goes uh man how about that ds fight and then all of a sudden you and him have a shorthand you go to a meeting you're like oh we have something in common we can talk without we know each other without having to right you're gonna say no right and dudes and dudes love doing shit like that that's why they play golf together and stuff right exactly

it's and white guys love it more than any i mean black guys love it too but what happens is your shorthand comes from the people you grew up with like i know white dudes who are in fraternities like i don't even need to fucking say a word to them i can tell you what they do i can tell you how they act when the cameras aren't on i can tell you how i can tell you everything about them right but black dudes my my shorthand is based on like pretty much like the dudes i'd party with in new york like i don't i just don't know brothers right right and like i know like godfrey arty tony woods that night with tracy morgan like those are my that's my shorthand so i see what you're saying so you're saying that there's that white guys on saturday

night live have more connectedness right they all went to harvard they all went to college they're all into comedy they all had the same comedy upbringing like they all had parents that's probably either divorced like they're part of the system right lauren michael michaels being the head but chris rock was saying as a kid from brooklyn his shorthand wasn't there so when he met lauren michaels he didn't he didn't know the like i mean ultimately you know it's like when you meet a network executive i kind of know what to say and what not to say and i know how to act i know to wear a college shirt if if it's right and i know not to because i'm white and i've done i've had to deal with white men my whole fucking life like chris rock never if he dealt with a white man i'm guessing this is speculation based on an interview but it was like

a it was a cop or a judge like i'm gonna say he never got arrested but you know what i mean like when he saw white men it was from a different place his average black man was like a dad or a friend's dad right those guys aren't running sat Night Live or running heads of business that blew me away that concept of racism not being how people act but just being like as common as a shorthand like you know like that's very astute of him to point it out the highest fucking genius man that guy blows me away consistently because the way he sees life like I was just hearing i was talking one of his contractors and it was like this contractor was like putting a window in his house now this is the difference between me and chris rock the rock the window was twenty thousand dollars that he's

putting his house i'm sure i'm not supposed to be talking about this why are you doing this yeah why are you doing it i'm telling you your ego is out of control is my ego is it no anyway the window um it's an interesting story okay so he puts a window in it's twenty thousand dollars000, and the guy goes, hey, look, I'll comp you the window. I'll give you the window if you let me fucking put you on my TV show or whatever and show that I'm doing Chris Rock's house. Chris Rock's like, man, if I show my family I'm putting in a $20,000 window into a house, they're going to want to stay in that house. Like, I can't just fucking put that on TV. Right. And I was like, well, I'd fucking put that shit on TV because my ego would come in and be like, fucking bam,

let's show everyone what I make. Why were you saying before that you were having a problem with your ego? I just am, man. It's genuine. I'm going to ask you to go back probably 15 years and try to connect to yourself then, okay? Okay. Because you've done a lot of work, I think, on yourself

that a lot of people haven't done. So you know when people just go when people just say like that you show up to a bunch of comics and they're like everyone's like hey what you up to and he's like oh i gotta sit calm on this i gotta sit on that yeah and then you just you i was saying to brian you just casually try to slide in what you're doing casually you're like oh that's so cool i know Brian yeah I'm doing a thing with them like and then and that to me is fucking it's so unhealthy it's like self bragging self bragging and like it's so unhealthy and it's so disconnects your heart this is what I've been thinking disconnects your heart from humanity right it what it does is it puts your brain in it because your brain starts talking to your heart going hey man we're hurting and your brain and your heart's like why he's like because you heard what he's doing he's doing a bunch of shit you're not doing shit

and he's like well then fucking start talking to me so you you hear other people talk about the stuff that they're doing and you want to pump yourself up is that what you're saying you almost have to do a better hand at cards like i like you try to one-up try to one-up them i had a conversation recently with a friend and he's a nice guy he's a comic and uh i ran into him and i said hey what's up man and he just went on this embarrassing run about some development deal and this and if it doesn't go out i have a buyout and they've said that this is their number and I'm like whoa really you know and then if that doesn't work I gotta develop and it just went out and I'm like I meant hi I'm like he doesn't see you you happy your hearts connected to

him this is gonna sound good just some Celine Dion music in the back no stop it don't do that don't do that his your heart's connected with him when you said how are you doing you were genuinely asking see his head was connected to you well this is joe rogan he's got this going on i need to prove to him that let's see like he probably left that conversation going that went perfect i think one of the nicest things hey easy do not put celine diane start fucking let me get under the table oh yeah I'd like doing a lot of different things I don't want to have my whole entire identity to connect it to one thing you know whether it's one thing in

in my life whether it's one thing in what what my occupation is I just think there's this there's a lot to be gained in flexibility and you know and in and being able to do a bunch of different things and not having to rely on one. I've been able to not have to define myself. I do whatever the fuck I do. I do what I do. To worry about the world of comedy or worry about the world of MMA,

I just do my shit. But yeah, but that's you, and that you are not the average of people. Yeah, but I think everybody can do it. I think everyone can do it. I totally believe that. I heard you talking. I was in Europe, and I fall asleep. I listen to the show when I sleep.

I play it all night long, and I just have it on repeat, so I hear it all night long. It's one of the greatest things. If you don't already do that, I'm telling you when i say that's the greatest way to listen to podcasts because you feel like you're hanging out with friends and they're in the other room and you're safe and i get lonely on the road it's even better when it's you on the podcast and you hear i heard me talking to you and i was right i was like oh and i'm in my own dream with you and i'm like this is awesome so but um there's no like uh like i was listening

to you talking about ego destroying ego with drugs with with with um getting into the tank and getting rid of your ego and i was like man my and i started thinking about ego and i was like where is my ego and then i just saw myself arguing with people like not arguing but being argumentative being difficult just about ego based like someone would say this guy was a great host on this show my crew and I'd be like in my head my head's going fuck that guy you're better than him but I have not yeah and so I've been doing a lot of work on my ego and trying to like I did it for an re last night play it i'll own this um i saw ari last night when you say you're doing work

on your ego what do you mean like what are you doing i'm biting my tongue and i'm letting myself feel the disgusting feelings when you you get a when you feel like when you feel like a innocuous statement is directed at you like last night some uh this is the bad ex i don't even want to use that example never mind i'm not going to use that example because that's a really statement is directed at you like last night some this is the bad i don't even want to fucking use that example never mind i'm not going to use that example because that's a fucking really bad example but ari was ari saw me fucking bite my ari i started saying just i started to brag i started to say something to brag and then i went i stopped myself out loud and i went i'm not doing that and ari goes what i go i'm not saying what i'm about to say because it's a fucking stupid this

is stupid so that's what i'm trying to do I'm trying to be more connected to people by my heart and hear what they're saying as a human, just like when someone goes, hey, man, what are you up to? As a comic, you hear that and you're like, what do I have to? I have this going on. I have this going on. Not like, oh, my kids are good. They have a violin recital tomorrow.

Not like real shit. Right. Well, I think as a human being when you you have something that's your occupation or something you're obsessed with i think uh there you build up a lot of stress when you're pursuing something and a lot of that stress can be evacuated physically and that's what a lot of people aren't aware of like i i goof around and and you know and talk to people about uh you know about yoga and goof on yoga people. But yoga is like a brilliant way of managing your emotions and your body.

And the idea, the word centered, I hate crystal talk. You know what I'm saying? I hate, well, my yogi, I'm going on a retreat. There's a cleanse. That's a fucking T-shirt, by the way. I hate crystal talk. I hate crystal talk. It drives me nuts.

I hate it when I know that you've accepted this new age ideology. There's a lot of yoga talk that goes along with that. But yoga as a practice is a brilliant practice. It's fucking hard to do, man. There's people that like they oh you're working out oh you're doing yoga that's not working out the fuck it's not man yoga's hard some of the worst ass kickings i've ever had in jujitsu was when i did yoga in the morning and then do jujitsu at night yeah because you're beat i'm fucking beat you know and i did it like i don't

like i could fucking do yoga in the morning i'm not even gonna be tired for jiu-jitsu fuck you're not man some of those poses are really difficult and they're designed to like wring all the stress out of your body and they they humble you you walk out of there when you you have to go through physical exertion physical exertion like to the point where your body's failing that is very humbling you know and then when you get a speech at the end that's what i love about yoga is you get into child's pose where you're just laying there and they talk to you man that changed my life really like yeah i was i was uh in a relationship i wasn't happy with this was probably 10 years ago right before 9 11 or right after um but in that area and i i was in a relationship i wasn't into i did not love her i didn't even like her and i was drinking a ton i was as fat

as i am now but i mean i've gotten ton I was fucking as fat as I am now I mean I've gotten back but I was as fat as I am now and I and one morning I was up and I was just fucking angry and depressed I like 6 the morning my buddy Croy called me and he was like hey do you want to go to yoga and I was like fuck yoga I'm not gonna yoga he goes it's a good workout man you'll enjoy it did yoga at the end yoga and I did every pose with integrity I like did them I was sweating like a bitch laid down in child's, and this dude with fucking sleeved and tattoos, cool motherfucker, like just walks around in yoga pants, and he's like, what, and he's talking to Christ, what do you hate in your life today, what bothers you, and just, because I'm exhausted, I'm exhausted,

I am tapped out physically, my brain went fucking rachel and and he goes you can change that and i was like i can't it's too hard and he goes decide to change that today decide to make that decision today and tomorrow will be better you do that right now and i was like i guess i could break up with her and then i just heard him go yes you can you can do that and i was like i could fucking break up with her and like the dumbest thing i was like i'm gonna fucking break up with her i'm gonna fucking break up with this bitch fuck this and i called her right fucking break up with her. I'm going to fucking break up with this bitch. Fuck this. And I called her right out of yoga class. I was like, it's over. And she was like, what?

And I was like, we should go to dinner. Let's talk. Click. But yeah, and I fucking did it. Were you living with this chick? No, I was dating her. We were like dated for like a couple years. You weren't living with her?

No, no, no. And so I fucking broke up with her, literally. And I was like, the whole thing about that one class was like, lose weight, man. I can lose weight. I just know how to lose weight. You just got to work out man. I can lose weight. I just know how to lose weight. You just got to work out like a beast. Eat healthy. That's the way to lose weight.

Fuck a book. So I started losing weight. I got down to 185 pounds. Dude, I was a gangster. Brian, if you pull up my Facebook page, on my fan Facebook page, the Burt Kreischer where I'm singing on the – Joe, you'll see this. I'm almost waiting for your reaction of what you think i look like so you got super healthy and fucking met my wife in a good place

fucking fell in love changed my life i'm the happiest man in the world and you think it's attributable to that one one to fucking breaking guy's speech that one dude man isn't it funny like you know i hate that expression the wings of a butterfly can be the first steps and there's many things become a hard game yeah there's many wings i mean my girlfriend my girlfriend in college also my best friend and gave me the clap yeah so that what yeah i know so that's part of talk to me what is this she my best when i was in russia she was my best friend oh my god who had the biggest dick in the world like I need a friend Wow your best friend fucked your girlfriend yeah it happened to me in high

school and then they went to my graduation like with his family or with her family Brian go to my pictures I know you're on my Facebook yeah go to my pictures on my fan page where I'm singing on top of the Braves all right out that's it and you'll see no no that page and then just scroll through and Yeah, go to my pictures on my fan page where I'm singing on top of the Braves. All right out That's it and you'll see no no that page and then just scroll through and you'll see one of me shirtless I think you'll go are you fucking kidding me? So, um, so this was the wings of the butterfly this turned you into one of the many wings of the butterfly You know, you have a few uncomfortably dumb, but this is a big one. I don't know Brian

What were your wings my wings what is my wings um like give me some moments where you went well this is what i do for now on i'm uh i'm real good at committing to like when if i like to do something i'm real good at like throwing my entire brain at it and becoming obsessed with it. It's probably not healthy. It's probably like a lot of success, I think, and this is my belief about athletics, that a lot of success in athletics comes down to almost like a psychosis. You know, like there's like at a real high level of anything, there's a certain amount of almost crazy behavior to get to this incredible position like Michael Jordan or, you know, or Muhammad Ali or, you know, any like elite high level, Mike Tyson in his prime. I mean, there's a madness, you know.

And I, from the time that I was a kid, I was involved in martial arts. So it was like a choice that I made when I was like 14 or 15. And that was a choice that I was on until I was like 21. But when I realized that I had to stop fighting and stop teaching and just do comedy, I was talking to a kid. His name was Jonathan. I wish I remembered his last name. But we were open micers together, about six months into comedy.

I was still dabbling in it, and I still had my feet in all my other worlds, trying to find my place. And this dude who I'd done open mics with for like six months goes, you were really funny in the beginning, but, man, you just kind of petered out after a while really and i was like wow and i couldn't even say anything because i knew he was right oh yeah i couldn't say anything i couldn't say anything because in my head you know like if someone says you don't work hard enough my my instinct you know is always to go fuck you but i know as a person who's you know benefited greatly from very uncomfortable

criticisms before like some of the biggest growth moments you can have was where someone just knocks your dick into the dirt unless you know what the fuck is up great statement and then you step back and so i recognized early on to you know to be able to step back and objectively obsess when challenged like that so when that guy said that i i wanted to go that's a dickhead thing to say because you know he was my friend yeah but i was like he's right oh i couldn't say anything so i said this is it this i'm i'm a professional comedian i'm not i'm not having one foot in the door i closed down my school i uh quit my job yeah i was teaching taekwondo at boston

university and i had a school in revere at nautilus plus that's burke chrysler samberg chrysler dude you're a animal you're oh you saw the picture you look like a jiu jitsu student is that not that's when i met my wife that's incredible bro dude i'm i can't bro you look like a stud you look like you could choke somebody i was a fucking monster man you get double underhooks on me look at you look at that i was a fucking gangster if you want to see it it's on my facebook fucking what's my facebook page brian do you know that i just don't know the name i don't know what the name is it burr type his name just go to my facebook page hey like me while you're there why don't you just

put that picture up on your mirror and fucking get up to it? I'm trying hard I'm really trying hard. You could do that. I'm trying hard man. I'm Joe. I'm not even fucking around I I have my Fitbit. I try to stay around 20,000 steps a day. I fuck that's right You have a crazy thing you carry around. I got the Fitbit scale. Have you got that yet Brian? Explain to people if they don't know what the Fitbit is. I want fuckingbit you hear me i talk about this thing all the time i don't think they have any money dude it's only you using it it's me and brian and tom segura yeah but i bet they're not updating it a lot of walkers out of the three of us we're like paraplegics so so i get i got this fitbit this fitbit is it counts your your steps your calories your your

flights of stairs you walk it's it's the best thing you put in your pocket you just walk around with it it just keeps you active it counts your couch at the end of the day did you have a butterfly moment to cause you to get a flip bit uh fitbit you know what it was i gotta be dead honest with you is i bought it and i was kind of like i was like oh this is kind of neat and then i brought it here i guess i brought it here yeah or to the other studios and um i had it and I was like, oh, this is kind of neat. And then I brought it here. I guess I brought it here. Yeah. Or to the other studios. And I had it and Brian was like, oh, I'm going to get one.

And then Brian got one and he emailed me. And he was like, hey, I'm following you on Fitbit. That moment I was like, fuck, I can't let Brian be here. And I swear to you, I started like, and then there was a Death Squad page, I guess. Yeah. And they were all like fucking, and I was like, I can't get caught. Why don't you guys do this? Would you both be interested in getting in shape 100 brian brian brian brian let me tell you something let me i'm gonna be really honest brian if you don't get your life

in order now you're gonna fucking pay for it when you're 39 yeah that's only a year away i know that's that's what i'm talking about start it today like today. I'm trying to fix my life health-wise now. Well, that's certainly good because it's going to end. The last years, depending on how much you're poisoning it now, depends on how well it's going to work in the last year. The poison feels so fucking good. Which poison feels good for you? All of them.

The alcohol? What else? My drink has been cut back a lot. Yeah. What else? That's it been cut back a lot. Yeah. What else? That's it. That's it? Yeah.

Yeah. People listen to this, Joe. Oh, that's right. You're not a fucking real podcast. You're fucking this podcast. Yeah. Those other podcasts are pussies. I can fucking talk.

I can say, I go do some podcast and I'll be like, fuck, I'll tell you anything you want. No one's hearing this shit. Right. I've done podcasts where I've said things I was like, that's fucking bad tell you anything you want. No one's hearing this shit. I've done podcasts where I've said things. I was like, that's fucking bad. Well, I don't think that. I think any podcast that gets on the internet, it's going to, but in this podcast, you can't back up.

Man, I've had panic moments on this podcast. I talked about shit and I'm like, and then you lay in bed and you're like, it's not like this is Joe and his friends listening to it. This is Joe and fucking a lot. Okay, let's do this, okay? and you just let it swing let's do this let's celebrate another bottle i brought you on a diet or something i'm on a diet champagne doesn't count the um hiding behind the champagne's like party stuff um so and the reason party stuff

yeah yeah it's fun girls drink it on sundays at Come on. They do. They have mimosas. Yeah. So this is what we're celebrating. Okay. And I say this in connection with what I was just saying. And I've said this to you a number of times. I've said this to you so many times that I have stopped saying it, and I've thought it a lot.

And it's the reason I don't call sometimes when I want to thank you. But this podcast has been life-changing for a bunch of us I think a lot of us that have done this have been fantastic and this has been one of the greatest experiences of our lives of our professional careers and because of this podcast your boy wrote a book you wrote a book I got a book deal son Wow that's awesome I got a book deal, son. Wow, that's awesome, man. So I got a book deal. It's coming out in a year, and it is because of this podcast.

Wow. And it is like one of my coolest life achievements ever. It is something I'm so proud of. It is something I will dedicate this next year to more than anything I'm working on that's obviously not like, oh, is that my book editor? Don't talk about it yet.

But I got to thank you, man, because I got the book deal. And the only reason I ever had an interest in doing a book is because of this podcast. Well, you got a book deal because you're an interesting dude. But the only reason I got the meetings, you know this better than anyone.

It's because you're you, man. But the meetings showed up because people heard this podcast. Well, I appreciate that. That's beautiful. It's awesome you're you, man. But the meetings showed up because people heard this podcast. I appreciate that. It's beautiful. It's awesome to hear. But it wouldn't have meant anything if you weren't talented. I do see that.

I appreciate that because I've said this to you a number of times, but, man, distinctly, this, I mean, the whole reason the whole thing came up is this fucking podcast. I went to New York and people had heard this podcast and they were like hey man i heard that machine story on joe's podcast can you do a book and this is the that from your podcast that tape got passed to all the book editors another way of looking at it is how lucky am i that i get to be on a podcast with guys like you who have such great stories that make people want to and listen again so because your ego's in check that's fucking really sweet of you to say joe but i will genuinely it's not it's not that sweet of

me to say that it's 100 how i feel i i think we're we're all real lucky you know this podcast has been a lot of fun uh it's uh it's it's we got a connection with people that we never thought would take place you know and i respect it and i know brian respects it and i and i know uh the people that go on the show they that we we're all aware that this is this is really cool we're all around aware that we have really cool we have like a it's like the impact of like a regular show and yet you could just film it out of my up office you know it's a bizarre it's it's like it's like showing up to san francisco when the first dude's like hey man can you guys keep a secret yeah it's fun

you know and the connection with people like we did a show last night at the ice house and it was fucking amazing it's incredible the place is packed we we we sold it out on like one day's notice you know we just said we're gonna do a show there it was mobbed with the coolest fucking people how badass was that show last night Brian amazing best audiences ever is a late night show too we did a 10 p.m. show didn't you know didn't get started like 1030 dude we're totally changing that whole entire ice house we're bringing that fucking club back because I mean a lot of the comics last night said like I used like Doug Benson I used to love coming to the ice house but then something weird happened and just like that and I get started getting kind of

different and it wasn't that fun to go to anymore sick but like tonight he's like that was one of the funnest times ever these are the best crowds we've ever had ever yeah it's it's almost like hard to believe you would assume that you know you don't think that people have different crowds. You don't think that people... You know what I mean? You feel like, well, Chicago's different than New York, and New York is different than San Francisco.

But what's changed recently for us is that everywhere we go, the crowds have been amazing, like really nice people, like really enthusiastic. And you've got to go, how the fuck does that happen like how can you pull that off like what is no one ever thought that there was

a formula for doing that no one ever thought that there was a formula where you could go and ensure that you would have a huge percentage of the population that kind of thinks along the same way that you think be nice to people be generous i mean but think about but think about the way you think though can you imagine you found those people like when you go hey the the blue collar comedy tour they found each other well no shit like can you imagine that a bunch of people that are into dmt mushrooms mma fucking spiritual like vitamins being healthy like all those people just showed up at once and you're like shut the fuck up like and love comedy like love good fucking friends good stories enjoying each other like there's a camaraderie that is this this network i think everybody likes good comedy man i think

unless you're a cunt yeah you like good comedy unless you're like you guys don't funny unless you're one of those assholes some people enjoy bad like some people enjoy comedy that's not good oh yeah like everyone that i've ever heard on your podcast i don't think i will i don't think there's one exception is a comic that i would fucking pay to see yeah genuinely that's a large statement yeah when you had dom herrera yeah that's like a that's like a he's so he was on he's not olympus but but he's one of the gods that deals with traffic or whatever. He's one of the fucking 12 gods. He's a great comic. His podcast, I listened on repeat when I was in Boston because I was in Boston. And I was like, oh, I'm going to bed.

I'll listen to Dom's over and over. God, man. He was on Tuesday, too. He did Tuesday, too? Yeah, he did Tuesday. He's a fucking monster, man. Like, everyone. You couldn't name one comic.

yeah he's a fucking monster man like everyone i couldn't you couldn't name one comic there i will say i will i will go this far is that i've become friends with uh the majority of people that have done that are regulars on this podcast through this podcast like joey diaz right duncan brian ari like those are my not my friends and my life has expanded exponentially friend wise like that just to have those guys in my life you know to have duncan at my house the other day in the man cave we're talking about fucking duncan shit you know how duncan's brain works and you tell him something and he goes oh well you're thinking it's not that it's this and it's right carl young book like there's like and then you're like oh you want a cigar he's like fuck you we can smoke cigars in here let's do it let's fucking do it you know like i hear his voice in my head sometimes yeah like and to have Ari and like to have all these people in your

life yeah come on yeah we're very fortunate man we're all very fortunate you know it's uh it's been really interesting it's like I always you know I do we try to do some stuff before we did like these little things called Joe shows when we did those videos of everywhere we would go you're calling out jenna jameson be about being a no i did not oh what do you say doesn't that no that wasn't a joshua that is not a jenna jameson is nice i've never called her out for being a how dare you all right she's a nice lady okay where'd you get this from you're confusing me no that's what i got joe show you into Jimmy Jimmy Jameson Joe show right now no no it was Jenna Jameson explaining to

me oh how to eat pussy oh maybe she's teaching me I don't know what I'm calling around I don't know all right Jameson's cool we like Jenny yeah she's very cool she's a very nice lady um you know um you know she was um not her but um ginger lynn uh was on um uh david tell's show last night i did david tell's show dave's old porn that's a fun show man really have you ever done it no why do you laugh you could do it yeah i could definitely do it but i you know it's like dave david tell you know it's not like he's calling his buddies he's calling you Stan Hope he's calling his friends

he's not gonna call he's not gonna do a casting call for it oh but I think you would love to do it with any kind of comics I mean I'd love to do it with Dave but and I don't put yourself down like that you and Doug Bantz

no but I mean that's my feelings when you go down on yourself yeah birdie birdie sweetie cue the music but anyway

you know just to be sitting there with Dave riffing on guys getting coke dicks it was really fun it was really fun and then Ginger Lynn came on But anyway, just to be sitting there with Dave riffing on guys getting coke dicks, it was really fun. It was really fun. And then Ginger Lynn came on. She watched her videos.

Old school. Yeah, she's one of the originators. The Mount Rushmore of porn, she's right up there. So if you could do a tour, right? Dream tour. No money is involved. You and three comics. Three of your equals.

Not like you can't bring Joey. Not that Joey's not your equal, but I'm talking like three fucking big name draws. Who would it be? I wouldn't do that. But you have to. Let's pretend you have to. You have a gun pointed at your butthole.

If it's like guys that I would want to work with, I would love to do a tour. Okay. I would love to do Stan Hope, Norton, me, and who else? Jesus. Joey Diaz. And Attell. What a fucking monster show that would. Yeah, Attell and I have talked about doing some stuff together.

We should totally do that. Me, Attell, and Stan Hope would be a lot of fun on the road, too. And Louis Higon. Yeah. Well, Louis is way busy, man. He's super successful right right now he's so busy with his own stuff i don't think he has time to do anything louis busy redesigning the entertainment business yeah man i mean the guy produces his own comedy special changes the whole game

everybody including me following suit now produces his own show edits on a laptop directs it writes it all i mean i'm not asking that guy to do shit i sent him an email asked him to do the podcast he said he would someday when he gets time but you know i'm not pushing it he's that guy's busy as fuck i love having a guy like that out there i think it's very inspirational fuck yeah he he inspires me the most that i'm any comedian and not even like material wise if i had to choose a guy that makes me laugh the hardest it's stanhope stanhope's new fucking cd before he turns a gun on himself it's great maybe my maybe like i'll and i'll put this up there uh patrice's last cd was great but

patrice's hour special elephant in the room was fucking awesome yeah that was really good and stanhope cd i bought it myself i purchased it as a consumer and i fucking listened to it and i was laughing out loud no it's not what my wife likes but i had to i was like i gotta test her i gotta bring her in the room and let her hear this track because it's that fucking funny he's a monster he's in town right now or is he or he was yesterday or today yeah oh that's right he did d Dave's show. Yeah, I got to call him up. He wants to fucking get behind Gary, whatever the fuck his name is, the guy from New Mexico, former governor of New Mexico.

Man, there are some Stanhope stories that I tell. You know what's really crazy? I was sitting with a group of... Shit, this would be... Oh, I was sitting with a group of chefs gary johnson sorry that's who stanhope wants to get behind i was some of the group of chefs at uh at a restaurant called campanile on uh la brea and they were talking about they were talking about food they're talking about this great restaurant on fairfax called animal have you ever been there he was just talking

about it apparently oh yeah it's like best i've never been there i'd love to go it's amazing i they have everything they have like veal brains they have yeah it's kind of expensive though but i'd heard it's great so they're talking about like gossip about food and what what good food places are to eat and then i said to them i was like this is really cool it's like being in the green room of a comedy club and listen to a bunch of headliners talk about what comic i should look out for and they're like well what comics should we look out for and i was like that's a horrible question so i don't even know who you're who you guys like right and one of the guys goes we love doug stanhope and i was like i didn't see that coming just because they're in the corporate world you know what i mean and i was like really and they're like man

his last special when we talk who likes to be in the corporate world how many people are in there that are enjoying that not a lot that's just where they're at they're stuck you know that's a what a shit existence i would never the weirdest thing about our whole society our whole culture is in order for it to work the way it is right now we can go to the store and buy a fucking soda and get in a car and just turn the key and drive it someone has to do some that they don't want to do everywhere someone's got to take it on the chin every morning you got to recognize that unless they can figure out how to make robots that do everything and then even that are you really going to find a guy that wants to program that robot to do everything or is it going to be a job that he has to do that sucks I mean there's no way that everybody could live the life of Bert Kreischer it's not possible someone's got to be out there huffing it Bert

bitches need to be dug right yeah I mean I genuinely look up to those guys who build fences sometimes because I go like I'm not shitting on my existence at all. I'm not saying that I have it hard, but sometimes I do miss my family. And I go, man, like, I don't have a choice. I have to go to Scotland for two weeks. It's a great gig to go to Scotland for two weeks or go to Italy for two weeks back to back with three days off. But it does suck. You miss your family.

Right. And some days you look at the guy building the fence and you're like, he sees his kids every fucking morning. And he's like, and no one gives him notes on his fence. Like, hey man, you got to like do it this way a little bit. Are you getting that for your show? You get notes on like what to do? Of course.

All the time. I mean, yeah. Is it annoying? No. You know what? I should write a book about how to get through the corporate world of television, like not famous television but making television, and just be cool with it because I get it, man.

I totally fucking get it. Like I get when they go, we need more information. I go, I'm not the, despite the fact that. You're not making comedy, though. The grossest thing is when you're making comedy and you get the notes. Like, I... Yes. It was way easier for me to, you know, to have a bunch of people that had a bunch of

different opinions on how something should be done on Fear Factor than it would be if they were trying to deconstruct my stand-up. Yeah. When you start, if you have done a Comedy Central special, did you have to go over your material with them? Yeah. Yeah. How'd that go?

Not well. I had to do it. I had to do two. I yeah how'd that go not well i had to do it i had to do two i wanted the first one i had to do pat buckles i had to go over it with her like she read it back to me oh jesus christ and i'm about to go on stage and not one laugh like silence because i'm not gonna laugh at my she doesn't understand it of course no laugh why would she laugh at you yeah pat buckles is a nice person but she just was like she was like part of the groove though i never forget her first thing was all right so let's do it my name is bert i know you're thinking hot sexy name bert bert bert and i go yep she goes okay uh where are the is that right right is that you i go yep all right we're gonna take

off can you change that sure all right like whoa she wants to change where the is that just real like it was well the the but it was real like like going through it and i'm about to go on stage and i was like are you kidding me and so you were like none of that's funny and barry katz is the whole time is arguing behind me going he wants a love mic he wants a love mic i go no i don't i want a microphone in my hand he wants a love my get him a lob mic i go barry i don't want to love mike bill bell i mean we're all lob mine can he kill what the about bill bellamy i i got barry katz your manager at one point at the time he was um you fired him too that's weird i fired him in an elevator how many guys have fired him a lot of chapelle yeah did he was he

your manager at one point didn't he like owe you money or something yes yeah he owed me from money for a long time he was uh it was a he owned a company that was called um boston it was called new york comedy or boston your comedy new york comedy and not new york entertainment they they got in a hole and they started owing people money from uh college gigs but he paid me eventually you know but it took a while he's not a bad guy he's uh he's i don't i don't know if i would say that i'll say it i'll say it he's not a bad guy i'm not i definitely i'm not gonna be my manager right now but everybody's fired him who else who else fired him think about the anthony clark his list of being fired to paulo fucking

His list of being fired is fucking bad. Dave Chappelle. Jay still has him, right? Yep. Amazing. Does Dane still have him? Nope. No. Dane fired him.

Whoa. No way. Dude, I tried. Dane Cook fired Barry Katz. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We talked about it. Joe, we talked about it on a podcast. We did?

On the Ice House when Dane came in to talk about it. I thought I was thinking about myself. Not paying attention to him at all. I tend to blank out, too, when you start talking about Barry Katz. I just go... He's not a bad guy. The... What were we talking about?

Oh, yeah. So that was how I did my Comedy Central special with Barry going, he wants to wear a lob. Why is he doing that? I have no idea. I get to the fucking fucking i tell him a hundred times he just decides that you'll be better off with a lob it looks better with a lob you should have worn a suit i love your impersonation i actually do i actually do a better impression i do a really great barry impression uh if if you know barry i do a great one like if you've worked with barry because like brian so you be me okay all

right and okay so fuck off so wait this is exactly how real berry works okay so brian tell me about your podcast okay what are you doing brian that's no no no no no the point is he listens and he never speaks so you end up telling him more than you'd ever want to tell anybody so he go he just nods like okay well you know you need to turn that shit back on him yeah I never I was a child I was don't just fill a kid fill the air for him just stare at him he did give me the best best fucking advice he's given me the best uh pump up speeches and the best advices of my life that i never took what would that be the best advice he ever gave the first development deal i got was i was doing comedy six months and he was like can i give you some advice papa i was like yeah and he goes hold on for a second

and then he just goes disappears in his office comes back and he's like give him get information don't give it i'm like what's that mean he goes exactly and hangs up i'm like what the fuck and basically that's how a manager should handle things mysterious indirect and he basically was saying do not tell anyone you've got a development deal just listen i wish i did that i wish i'd done that because i made a bunch of enemies like starting, starting in comedy because I was like, I was trying to fix the six-figure development deal. And everyone's like, but you worked the door. And I was like, I know.

Isn't that crazy? And no one was like, congratulations. Everyone's like, fuck this guy. So I wish I had listened to him, but I didn't. I'm not a get information, give, I'm a give information kind of guy. You know what I mean, Joe? I'm pretty fucked up. So why'd you fire him? Because he didn't't get me he didn't get my sense of humor

yeah like i gave i did a prank call he got purchased by new wave entertainment i did a prank called a new wave one time where i just called in and it was their like voicemail for the entire 500 people person company right and i went and i was like and it was like if you leave a message in the general mailbox and i hid that and then i go barry it's bird i'm fucked up pick me up barry i know you're listening to this pick up the phone barry pick up the fucking phone barry brian i know you're there in your underwear grab it brian volquist brian grab it grab it and then barry got really upset he was like dude you can't do that. I mean, there are fucking adults at work here. And I was like, it was a joke, Barry.

I'm a fucking comic. You've got to get that. And he was like, it's not a joke. You were hammered. And I was like, no, it was a fucking joke. Like, do I really think you're sitting by a real answering machine at New Wave? Like, I got so upset. Is he an AA guy at all?

No, but he is. No, no, no. I don't think he is. I don't think he drinks. I don't think he drinks. I know he doesn't drink. Is he against drinking? Is he like the Tempe Improv? He is not.

I would definitely say he's not for drinking. He was never for my drinking. He was never. At his wedding, I was hammered and shirtless. I was sitting with Bobcat, Jeff Gross, John DiMaggio. You remember him? John DiMaggio, red, Italian, and brown guy? Yeah, Jeff, Ross, John DiMaggio. You remember him? John DiMaggio, Red Giant and the Rock Guy? Yeah, sure, yeah, yeah.

And like that table, that group of- Where the fuck is that guy? Dude, he's still around. He's fucking, oh, he's fucking awesome. I run into him so much. So John DiMaggio and I, oh man, Barry's wedding was the best because everyone was fucked up except for Barry. And Barry was trying to micromanage everything.

So, like, he, and he had, all he had was just a bunch of fucking stone talent. So, me, Jeff Ross, and John DiMaggio go behind the stage to smoke a joint. We all get, smoke a joint, and then John DiMaggio goes, don't worry, I know how to get in here. And he just opens a curtain to get us to the ballroom where everyone's having the ceremony. Opens the curtain, me, Jeff Ross, and him walk out. And we're on stage with Barry's grandmother reading a note. And it was like, oh, and we're high as fuck. We're like, ah.

So then we all go sit down and fucking, and fucking, fucking. Everyone starts giving personal notes, right? I'm sitting next to... I want to say it's either Bobcat or Jeff Ross. And I'm fucking hammered. I'm hammered. And everyone's going up and saying special words. Frank Caliendo came up and did six impressions in three minutes.

What? I don't know. It's three minutes of thunder. He went and did it. Every comic's coming up. This is a wedding? Yeah, wedding yeah i know that's fucking but it was actually a good time at a very talented so people are going up people are going up and really dude i would have loved it done five minutes at your wedding it was a fun it was a fun it was a fun wedding if you were not barry buddy hackett's there right this is even better, this gets even fucking better, okay, so, buddy,

so, everyone's going up and saying words, John DiMaggio goes up and says words, Jeff Ross goes up and says words, I think, I want to say Bobcat did, I doubt he did, though, knowing who he is, I'm sitting in between him and Bobcat and Jeff, and one of them starts going, you should talk, and I was like, what, and I get on stage. Say something. Total dick move, right? I should not be speaking at all, right? Talk. Say something. So I get up on stage, grab the mic right when they start playing the voicemails from Australia from his wife's family who can't be there.

So I just talk over all of them. It's really great to be here. And they're like, we miss you, Susanna. It was a fucking nightmare, right? And you kept talking? Because I'm so fucked up, I can hear a thing. So the fucking, I get off stage. I get off stage.

Buddy Hackett gets on right after me. They're still playing fucking voicemails. Buddy Hackett gets on. He's more fucked up than I am. And there's a fucking, there's a piano that's humming going. And Buddy Hackett in typical Buddy Hackett voice goes, turn the fucking piano off. And they're like, and everyone laughs. And voice goes, turn the fucking piano off. And they're like, and everyone laughs.

And he goes, I'm being fucking serious. Turn the fucking piano off. And everyone laughs even harder. He goes, do it or I'll fix it. And everyone laughs even harder. He throws his drink on the piano, right? Electric piano. It goes, like, we see sparks.

Smoke comes out. And the place falls on the ground laughing. Right? Buddy Hack goes, that's what I'm talking about. Everyone applauds. It is awesome. He threw a fucking drink on an electric piano? And Barry had to pay, like, 25 grand for the fucking piano. So at the end of the wedding, Barry's like, fucking worse.

I just cavalcade up to shit on shit on shit. It was a great wedding. How much did he have to pay for the piano? I don't know. The way I tell the story, 25 grand, but probably 5 grand. He was a Beatles cover band. Buddy Hackett's a badass and you fucked with him, Joe.

I didn't fuck with him. Buddy Hackett got mad at me. I didn't even respond to him. I didn't respond to him at all. I guess I did. Apparently he was a very angry dude. He was he was a he was a nice guy i met buddy a few times i liked him a lot i was on uh the first season of comics i watched it on my couch joe fascinating it was like really this guy was clearly stealing material i never heard those jokes he's like yelling at me you're a fucking asshole and i was like wow but you handled it like a gentleman it's because he was a guy who stole jokes that's a guy who stole jokes but a

guy for sure well yeah my guy responds like that exactly that's how they did it but when a guy responds like that there's only one reason man i mean psychologically speaking why would you be so adamant about the idea that you know that this this guy wasn't a thief and that you know you never heard those jokes for like what are you saying like yeah you and then the other chick who was there was like he made him his own he made those jokes his own I was like wow was Monique she was like me yeah you made those jokes your own and I was like whoa I was like you made him your own Wow it's hilarious. Last Comic Standing was not the yardstick for a pair.

And by the way, the judging, this was a Barry Katz show, too. Oh, yeah, it was. And by the way, the judging was complete, total horseshit. It didn't matter. There was people that we voted for that didn't get in and people that we didn't vote for that got in. They had decided, the producers all got together and decided how to put people on.

No, I remember I did Last Comic Standing, too. Remember Drew Carey walked off? He was a judge. And who else? Dan Natterman because of Dan Natterman. Dan Natterman's a very funny comic, and he should have won. But he just wasn't castable. He wasn't one of the guys they were looking for.

That's so ridiculous. Don't tell me about it. There are ideas of who's castable and who's not. It's so funny whenever you get a bunch of people. I'm so used to doing the podcast where there's no one telling us what to do but to watch like dave attell do a show yesterday and the guy's like can you sit up can you move this the guy asked me actually asked me can you can you push your right pant leg down a little and i was like why well it's kind of puffy in that one spot. I'm like, oh, my fucking God. There you go.

That's fucking insane. Like, what kind of weirdo micromanaging? You're looking at puffs on pants, but that's how they do it, man. That's what they do. When you're on a show, yeah, exactly. It is their job. When we're on a show and there's, like, five, six different people all yelling in struxures and all trying to piece this thing together,

it's way less harmonious than you piecing it together on your own. You know? Less is more. Yeah. Like, do you feel like that with your show do you ever feel like with birth to conquer like man i should take the reins on this bitch and just figure out how to do it myself i i yeah do you ever feel like that i do i do but i feel like i would fuck it up you would like i don't know like i do and i I don't know if I could say this forever, but I will definitely say this for right now. The people I'm working with right now,

and I'm not talking about my own production company. I'm just talking about executive-wise. Executives, the ones I'm working with, really seem like they know what they're doing. Yeah, you have a good crew. It's like the UFC. I have a fucking really good crew. And so what they're doing now,

and I'm not doing Birth to Conquer anymore. I'm doing a different show. What are you now it's called trip flip that's awesome yeah that's a good idea it's a great it's a fucking what is it it's a great show we go and we fucking take people on vacation like a fucking ridiculous vacation we show them how to vacation like we tell them we tell them like we go to like the mall america or we'll find them there we go to the mall america and we go um who wants to go to mexico and people go i do we go great i'll show you what to do in mexico i'm taking the cabo and i'm not going to make you go stay at the resort i'm going to take you and i'm going to show you real cool shit to do in cabo so as a viewer you watch it and you go shut up i can go

fucking baja racing like i can do that for the day i can ride camels on the beach to a tequila tasting like there's like we show you the coolest shit to do in the cities. It seems like the most ideal fucking job ever. You know, imagine that. You get the best vacations every fucking show. We were in Cancun driving Lamborghinis, Ferraris, and Mercedes 140 miles an hour on open

fucking roads. Because we found, and you'll find it too when you watch it, the company that has paid off the Federales to let them fucking drive these cars 140 miles on open roads. Whoa. Yeah. It's Mexico. That's the way it works.

They teach you on a track. You've got to run a track for half the day, and then they take you out to Tulum, and you can just air these bitches out. Have you seen that video online of the guy in a Lamborgcedes or in a um yeah he goes sideways around a corner yes yeah do you think that's a uh do you think that's a fake video like a and i think it's a fake video i can't really yeah no it can't be why i think it's fake because it's one of those videos it's like one why is a guy just i don't know recording people do that i know but all the time and then it's just like how it was placed like he was barely going fast and he loses control did you notice that like he just kind he wasn't going like super fast he just like kind of sped up fast like how did he

lose control of his lamborghini that bad and then when how it was placed in between the two cars it's like all right this is some kind of weird fake video like like who's behind it though who knows like lamborghini well i would say you you probably got a good point but lamborghinis are notoriously hard to control that's a four-wheel drive car too that's a funky car they're really hard to control yeah especially because it's all like so much paddle i might not be see that's that's the that's the gallardo, the one that crashed. And the Gallardo, you can still get them with a manual. He might have overhit the gas on a shift.

He might have went sideways. Joe, did you want any champagne? Sure, I'll have some. And he might have had to re... It might be real. But I agree with you. It does look weird. Suspicious physics, right?

It's weird that you said it, because i saw it last night for my first time and immediately i looked at it going how did he just lose control that fast so that it wasn't that fast he wasn't going that fast well it doesn't matter when you're going around a corner yeah you know especially but the house was placed yeah using street tires yeah when a car gets out of control there's no bringing it back it's hard it's hard you just you have to know how to drive there's a great video of two guys in corvettes and there's a guy behind him and films it and they're in sugarland uh not in sugarland the woodlands i think in texas one of those and uh they take off at the light one guy completely loses control t-bones the other car right in front of them and it's it's a real

video that's super real because the guy the guy that watched the video car right in front of it and it's it's a real video that's super real because the guy the guy that watched the video all right let's see what these assholes do you know they're gonna race yeah and he got it he i mean what that guy's gonna be filming everything from now on what a great thing to catch on film and here's another thing to always think about when you look at these videos it's like you know the majority of people you know like i'm a little different if i were to have filmed it it would be a little different but the majority of people you know when you're you're in a car you're filming use your iphone you're steering you're doing all this shit when you're going around a corner he was really good with making sure he caught every single thing that

happened while he's driving and filming and it was just too good of like okay yeah you got the money shot where in reality it was probably like this phone would be flopping around looking at fucking ceilings and shit you know that's a very good point and it's like you kind of forget that yes it's filmed on a shitty camera and it looks realistic but the the money shot was recorded perfectly everything was recorded a little bit too perfectly and as somebody that does that kind of it's it's kind of like i i know what the the reality is that this is just some guy filming it he would have been filming his girlfriend's crotch you know like it would have been just like yeah maybe brian if that

had been you you would have gotten the shot perfectly absolutely yeah there's a lot of use out there yeah you got to realize this guy is a guy who's filming things. You know? Well. By having a guy who's like, you know, who knows? Who knows, though? Was it supposed to be the guy driving that was filming that? I think it was. I don't know. I saw it last night, so I don't even remember. But some guy showed it to me at the show last night.

Yeah, there's a lot of douchebags out there driving like that. Yeah. There's a lot of cars out there that are super powerful, and they're getting more powerful every year. That's what's really nuts. Every time, time like Lamborghini has to put a new car out They're gonna make it more powerful, you know last year was five $600,000 was the car was driving cheese. I mean you can't like I try to explain that the people were driving it with They were younger. I was like I was like this is a once-in-a-lifetime experience that this will never happen again

And at that age become a super baller and start buying up them bitches What kind of car was it? You were driving the fucking six hundred thousand dollar one. It's a Lamborghini. Yeah, Murcielago or the event or it was black Aventador The Aventador is the new one had the paddle. Yeah the paddle shifter sound those things maker They you know what a demons I heard you and I want to say that by osmosis You know like by listening to you enough, I don't know if you've said this about cars, but I did say this on TV, and I definitely, I could hear you in my head saying that the car barked at you.

Yeah, a lot of people say that. Just like they would fucking, and I could hear it barking at me, and I fucking loved it. I loved to hear it. Those are manly sounding cars. Fuck. Lamborghinis and Ferraris have some of the sweetest tones, like the exhaust tones. God, man. Yeah, people, there's like videos on YouTube where people just have Lamborghini exhaust notes.

It's got that crazy, I think they have like, some of them have V12s, right? Doesn't the Murcielago have a V12? I'm a horrible host because all I know is that it barked at me. Yeah, those are fucking beastly cars. But they're so stupid. There's a Michael Vick dog in between my legs. It's like, what are you doing with that crazy thing? Really?

In the States, what are you doing? Because you can't drive it over 100 miles per hour. Like, you'll go to jail over 100 miles an hour. Will you really? Yeah, that's what they were saying. The guy that started the company in Cancun was saying, I had all these cars, but I was in the States, and I couldn't use them. And I came down to Mexico once, and some guy said,

yeah, if we pay off the federales, you can drive whatever you want. Why did he have all these cars? Because he was rich. Wow. And so now he lives in Cancun like a gangster. As a business, he decided to take all his cars that he wasn't into or not driving Send him to Cancun pay off federales and you can just take him out for the day I mean you got to go with like you got to go in a group

You can't just it's not like you just run a Lamborghini to air out, but it's fucking fun I've never driven anything 140 miles an hour. Yeah race racing cars is fun. It's gotta be very addictive Fucking dude all the time you get your body to go fast and it's opposed to it's more You feel that G forces when you're going around corners and you make up we were going around corners at 70 miles an hour That's fucking seven. Yeah, like put that in perspective what you do on an interstate. I was taking corners at that shit Yeah, and you make your real face like you there's no interstate i was taking corners at that shit yeah and you make your real face like there's no cool face when you drive a car that fast do you make your real face like that that like i did this like i go because that's what i do when i do that speed

did you uh feel the rear end sliding on you at all yeah because it was raining oh oh jesus christ for the morning it was raining you have to be careful with a car that's got that much power too when you stomp on the gas you know like that stupid car that I have that Shelby the Mustang every time I hit second gear you gotta make sure you don't stomp on the gas too much because it will go sideways on you

in second gear it'll give you a little yeah if Bert Kreischer can drive this car I doubt the odds that that guy in that video, you know. Yeah, if I can drive that car, that guy should be able to fucking do it. You say that, though, but a lot of people buy cars and they don't necessarily know how to handle them when the ass end goes out on them. I would not be able to recover that car. It's hard, man. It's hard.

And sometimes you don't want to let go of the uh sometimes you don't want to let go of the steering or you don't want to let go of the gas either sometimes you have to you have to power oversteer you have to you have to fight it with the throttle you know you have to keep your foot on the gas because if you if it snaps back it like catches grip and then you know while you're already in a turn like you can you can get fucked oh we drove it depends entirely on the car too yeah those cars are meant to be driven like that like Porsches are Notorious for like they have a rear weight bias because they have like an engine in the rear It's like when you're going around corners like sideways you're dealing with the physics of this engine hanging out back

It's like 60% of the weight is in the ass end of the car So so if you had a friend who came to you and was like, man, I just got my big deal. I need some, I want to buy a car. What's the one car would you get? It depends on what kind of a person he was. Single dude. Yeah, but is he an animal?

Is he a calm fella that likes a comfortable car? No, he's, you know who he is? He's Dane Cook because I'll never forget the conversation you had with Dane when Dane talked about his Maserati that was a lemon. I'll never forget that. I think it wasn't a Maserati. I think it was a... No. Aston Martin.

Aston Martin, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, like, if you could go back in time and give Dane a car to pick up, to buy, for like, hey, man, this is your first, like, there's a treat. If you want a a well-engineered car you can't go wrong with a Porsche there's your so well engineer except your first Porsche that you had that was like a shit yeah it's a 411s 9-1-1 411 information it was like called a 996 996 6 it was it a 611 where you just called AT&T? We want to find out what you owe. I had one car that I had five problems with it in two years before I got rid of it.

I liked your car after that. You had the best car after that. I wish you still had that car. Oh, the Acura NSX? Fuck yeah. That was like a fucking matchbox car. That was so cool. It's a dope car.

They're coming out with a new one. Acura is ready to make a new NSX. I think it comes out in 2013. They had had it in the avengers remember the guys the car that gets in that's the that was a prototype yeah yeah yeah i see you know i know that i know our jaguar or jaguars uh uh girl cars because i saw a jaguar convertible the other day and a girl was driving and i was like damn that's so beautiful that car why does it have to be a girl jaguars are awesome nick's horse has got a beautiful jaguar they're super powerful too the new ones they have these uh xks's i think it is they have like some beastly cars now they're great cars man yeah yeah i would tell most for most people i would say

just get a well-engineered car just you don't really want a race car or anything i'll tell you what the best fucking car around right now is in my opinion dead serious like for the money the uh what's the genesis the hyundai hyundai oh the one that looks like a mercedes yeah it is a great fucking car it is amazing the hyundai it puts out hyundai hyundai puts out a great fucking car well especially, especially this one. This one, they've basically taken all the design elements of Mercedes and Lexus. They're like best cars. And they essentially made the same kind of car. It's real fucking similar.

And they do. Gorgeous. Yeah, it's a great car. I mean, it looks like a Mercedes. It looks like a Mercedes. And it's got all the shit a Mercedes has got. It just doesn't have the like whatever the thing that makes it mercedes ninety thousand dollars well it's it's very high end they said they said it's very comfortable to drive and they're really reliable cars too you know the

thing about hyundai's is it's not like it's a car yeah you know they're they're reliable cars just as much so as uh any other you know car that's in that price range but that's pretty nice but like 34 000 in comparison to visually wise i don't think it's anything special well neither is the lexus look at the lexus ls460 i think it is the new one whatever it is beautiful car but real sedate it's all about luxurious transportation in those cars like a lexus those cars are so quiet and peaceful i love it it's like yeah if you're into that, man, I'd say get a Lexus. Those Lexus four doors are like the most relaxing, calm.

They absorb bumps. They're not handling cars. It's not a car you're going to go around a corner and hit the gas and get a fucking good feeling in your balls. I'm talking about that. Gary Valentine, when we were working together on the X show, had a green lexus and his whole thing was it joe you did it with a member i remember yeah yeah yeah and he had a

green lexus and his whole thing was how silent it was yeah so we got the car one time we're members of a country club called robinson ranch me gary and i think his brother and a few other people so one time we get in valet we get in the car and he just shuts the door and he looks at me he goes bertski how fucking quiet is this car and he goes pretty quiet and he goes it's pretty fucking quiet right and i go yeah and he goes put it in drive it's not fucking totally drunk fucking carrie palatine i miss that motherfucker he do you remember mike burton mike burton mike burton what would i remember mike burton uh comic from LA hung around the comedy comedy the improv Yeah, now he teaches Krav Maga. Oh, but um Mike Burton is my favorite Gary Valentine story. I fucking and I know that

Mean Gary on one time. We love to God. He's fucking funny So one time we decide where we do the X show we wrap on Thursday and we decide we go to For most of that drinks and I say to Gary I go we should go to Vegas and he was like, let's fucking funny. So one time we decide where we do the X show. We wrap on Thursday and we decide we go to Formosa to have drinks. And I say to Gary, I go, we should go to Vegas. And he was like, let's do it. And we look at Mike Burton and which one's that? Mike Burton. That's Mike Burton, yeah. Oh, yeah, I know that.

You know Mike Burton. So we go to him and Scott Henry and go, let's go to fucking Vegas. And Mike Burton goes, no, I don't want to go. I'm like, come on, Burton, go. And he's like, I don't want to go. And Gary goes, fuck you. This is the problem with you. You need, and Mike Burton goes, nah, I don't want to go, I want to come on, Burton, go, and he's like, I don't want to go, and Gary goes, fuck you, this is the problem with you, you need to go, and he's like, I don't want to go, I got a spot at the Hollywood Improv, fuck the Hollywood Improv, so Gary goes, fuck it, you guys work on Burton, I'm going to go back to Santa Monica, he used to live with Kevin at the time, I'm going to go back to Santa Monica and get my shit,

I'll meet you at Burton and Henry's house, and we go, perfect, so we go, and on the way to Scott Henry's house, we decide to convince Burton. And Burton goes, nah, fuck it, I'll go. And I go, Burton, this is a great idea. Why don't you hang out in the back of my truck? Hide. And we'll tell Gary that you're not going. And then we'll get on the interstate and we'll surprise him and be like, Gary, look, he's coming.

Because Gary's not with us. He's packing his shit. Burton goes, that's great. So we pack all our shit. We go down to Burton and Henry's house. Burton gets on the way back to the truck, like back where the beers are. I had an expedition at the time. And he hides back there.

And we wait for like 15 minutes. And all of a sudden, Gary Valentine shows up. He shows up. He's got his bags. He's holding his hands. He opens the backseat door, like the middle. Opens, hops in. He goes, where's Burton?

And we're like, he didn't come. And he shuts the door. And he goes, let me tell you what's wrong with that motherfucker. And we're like, uh. And then he goes, and i'll tell you why he shouldn't be a comic anymore because he's not fucking funny and as we drive we're pulling out and i see i see mike burton sit up in the way back and gary talked for like 10 fucking minutes just talk shit about oh my god and all of a sudden i go hey gary would you mind passing me a beer out of the back? And he turns around and he goes, hey, Burton.

Then turns back to us. He goes, when are we going to fucking tell me? We were like, there was never a good time. It was the fucking most uncomfortable. That's so shitty. Oh, my God. Oh, never. And they talked.

Me and Scott Henry sat in the front. Gary Valentine and Mike Burton sat in the back and talked, like hashed it out. How do you hash that out? Yeah, right? I think Burton, I don't know if Burton, I think he's teaching Krav Maga now. Yeah, he is. He's got his own training centers now. He's a really smart dude.

Comedy's not for everybody, folks. Krav Maga is Jewish, right? Yes, it's really a sort of system of self-defense based on a lot of different martial arts. Slapping, right? It's like Jewish. What? It's Jewish slapping. No, no, no.

Let me just whittle it down to what I heard it was, okay? It's Jewish bitch slapping. Yeah, that's what I heard. I heard it. Who did you hear this from? Some dude. Some German. Yeah.

No, Krav Maga is like... Oh, fuck! From a guy that listens to this podcast that's in my daughter's dance class. He told you it was slapping? No. Fuckpping no never mind i wish i hadn't said this yeah don't settle down bert no problem guys legit legit form of self-defense how am i mostly um you know like um you know it's like street stuff. They show you correct applications of techniques in self-defense situations as opposed to, like, just doing jiu-jitsu or just doing kickboxing or something along those lines.

It's more applicable to, like, getting attacked. Yeah, but it's all the basic techniques of all the effective martial arts. You know, they go over chokeholds. They go over arm locks. They go over, you know, all sorts of different. It's not just, you know they they go over chokeholds they go over arm locks they go over you know all sorts of different it's not just you know uh self-defense they're they incorporate a lot of different things it's like a system of you know taking like what's the most useful martial arts in a real life situation yeah so that's what it is which is you know there's room for that i'm i'm personally of the school that you know like people say uh well like i i've had these

arguments with the so-called like street defense people and like what we learn is uh how to defend yourself on the street you know there's no rules on the street and in the the mixed martial arts dojo you know there's rules and that's all well and good we appreciate the discipline but there's no will there's no rules on the street so that's's why our sport is different. So they'll try to bite you and grab your balls or something like that. But my take has always been that the most effective techniques aren't the techniques that work on people who don't know what they're doing. And all the techniques, almost all of them, that you see in so-called self-defense courses, they'll only work if people don't know what they're doing. Like all the grabbing hands and pulling. You ain't grabbing my hand, bitch. i'm gonna be a wild cat we got we got some

crazy shit going on right here you're not grabbing me and just holding on to me that's nonsense and so when when i see any of that self-defense nonsense i go this is the reason why this doesn't work and the reason why it doesn't work is because it doesn't work on a killer you need to everything you need to do and if you wanted to learn true martial arts you should learn what works on killers learn what works on the best fighters on the planet learn what works on muay thai fighters learn what works on on jiu-jitsu fighters learn what works on a guy who knows how to fuck people up and he's been training in it for years learn how to deal with that guy don't learn how to deal with some dude like pulling out your keys and going for his eyes

because most likely he'll knock you the fuck out before you get close enough to do that yeah you know that's the learn how to do what works on killers that's my opinion so i don't i'm not a big believer in self-defense courses i'm a big believer in martial arts i think if you want to learn jujitsu you should learn the type of jujitsu where you know if you get a hold of someone it doesn't matter that's it you you own them now that's your world and you strangle them and you you get to that point and that's a that's a beautiful tool to have in your toolbox it's a beautiful thing to to to be in possession of marshall childs was saying that you don't ever get that if you're in a self-defense course because first of all you're not going to have the amount of proficiency in doing these techniques like knee breaks and attacks to the groin.

Because you're not really doing them full blast in training against people who are resisting. So a lot of what you're doing, you're drilling repetition and you might get better at completing those movements. But the odds of you doing it on a guy who knows how to fight is pretty fucking small. Yeah. And some Anderson Silva type dude will knock your fucking dome off your neck and it's that simple you know you're never gonna get to I gouge him he's gonna light you up bitch it's like you got to look at it that way I in my opinion so there's nothing wrong with Krav Maga it's a good way to work out it's a good way to train you know

and it's a very effective system of martial arts. You worked with Marshall at the Laughing School? Uh-huh, yeah. He does, did he talk to you about jujitsu? No. He does jujitsu. Yeah. Like aggressively. I think we talked a little bit about it.

But he's definitely, he said that exact same thing, that it just was like a nice set of abilities to have in place, and that he became more relaxed around people yeah so he never felt because he was smaller that's smaller but smaller and he just never felt like he could ever get hurt because he knew how to get out of it well you know you can still get hurt you got to always be careful people there's first of all there's knives and guns and gangs and sticks and you know you can always get hurt like the idea that you're invulnerable now and you can just walk through any bad neighborhood is crazy you know but the less you you certainly have less apprehensions because you know

that you've reached a physical proficiency when it comes to defending yourself that very few people have ever reached so some shit goes down most likely you're gonna be fine most likely this guy's in for some horrible rude awakening which most people don't know how to fight or into. If they get in there with a guy who knows how to fight, they're in for a terrifying awakening of what's the difference between someone who spends zero time training how to fight and someone who's dedicated a lifetime of doing it.

It's a different, that guy's going to own you, and it's a terrifying feeling to get owned by someone, especially if you get owned in the street, man. Especially if you get owned in the street man especially if you get owned in the street and you're the one who started it it's like that video that dude can we see the two kids where the it's like a mexican kid with his socks pulled up to his knees and there's some white kid in jeans and they're like come on and then the white the white kid clearly knows like some sort of asian defense like starts doing steps and practice kicking. And the guy was like, no, no, street fight, street fight only.

And he was like, no, this is what I'm doing. He's like, no, no, man, I ain't doing that kind of shit. No funky fights, just regular fights. It's one of my favorite fights. I favorited it on my YouTube page. I favorited it. That, I'm fucking one of the first people to discover Kimbo Slice. You know, the beautiful thing about being around people who know how to fight is they very rarely get in fights.

Most people who know how to fight are fucking pretty calm. They get all that shit out in the gym. You can get all that shit out in a controlled environment. We have a desire for conflict. We have a desire to fucking overcome things. There's a desire that all that shit can be erased in the gym. And when you erase it in the gym, when you erase into the gym you deal with yourself on an even playing field instead of being overwhelmed by road rage or overwhelmed

by disappointment in your own personal life and existence and whatever frustrations that have been building inside of you percolating fucking up your physical existence because the moment you're in any interaction you're acting unbalanced you know walking down the street the curb just staring at cars yeah the fuck's wrong with you that's the guy from yet last night what was he doing I saw him walking in this curb just staring at cars yeah what I was like he's probably crazy chick was just stand walking on the in on the sidewalk and I was like man maybe they're all messed out yeah I you know chicks getting street fights with their dudes? Get together and fucking throw down together. Go home and fuck. Does that happen?

Pasadena. Seems like a movie, right? Street fuck fighter? Yeah, something along those lines, right? I don't know. I can't imagine. I've never been able to with a girl that fought. Conversation went south hard. You've never been around a girl?

Brian, what's up with that? You've never been around a girl that likes to fight no my wife scary shit ever man girls i want to drag you into fights that's one of the scariest things you could ever you would try i would imagine you would have attracted that when you were younger though yeah a lot of them yeah they want to suck you on people like a dog and i heard some good behind the scenes stories about you that i fucking dying to talk about. Behind the scenes stories? Yeah, like just like yeah, I don't know. Fucking, why did I say that? Your ego dude is out of control. No, no, no. If it has to do with violence, it's almost

100%. No, no, it's not. Nothing about violence. It's about you being a friend to dudes. Like a... If it's bad people, don't talk about bad people. No, god damn it. I don't know why I fucking said that. Fucking something's wrong with my brain. Something's wrong with Berk Pressure. Let's turn these cameras off, Brian.

Seriously. What's wrong with Berk Pressure? What happened with the weed thing? You can't smoke weed in front of cameras anymore? Yeah, you can. You just gotta kind of be sneaky about it. Okay. Stupid.

Ustream has some sort of policy. Yeah, we have vaporizers. Do you feel like you're taking a hit, Joe? What, do you? Yeah, I do. Well, let's just wrap this bitch up, because you guys came a little late, and I still have to look at that property.

Oh, right. We'll go with you. Pretend we're your investors. I'm looking at that. And Ryan and I will just inspect really bullshit stuff. Let's do it. Like, hmm, I don't know about the fault lines. Hmm, things that make you go, hmm.

Mr. Redman? Things that make you go, hmm. So, next week on the podcast, we've got Shane Smith, Bass Nectar, and the great Bobcat Goldberg. Yes, I can't wait. It should be very fun. Yeah, we'll have a great. Talk about Barry Katz. Bobcat has known Barry since he was fucking a child.

He's known Barry since he was a child. Bobcat lived in Barry's closet is the story. Like Barry had a closet that he rented out in a, I'm sure I'm raping this. Right. Barry rented out a closet in like Boston University or Boston College. Right.

And Bobcat rented it when he was like 16. Wow. Yeah, Bobcat's known Barry forever. Bobcat's another Boston comic. People don't realize, you know, he made it on the big screen you know uh and made it you know sort of almost as like a hollywood guy but his origins are in boston too and funny as oh yeah bobcat's always been hilarious you ever hear the the cd meat

bob it's m-e-a-t bob and it's like hamburger is made out of a hamburger or something like that he's uh yeah it's great he's he's great bob bob bobcat goldthwait i grew up like with bobcat being a character it's really weird like you know like with the that guy like that's so weird yeah i wonder if he feels weird about that i wonder if that's a weird because like jj walker like when he got older would like hate when people would like yell out dynamite they would he would hate it he would hate it because he wasn't doing that anymore now he's just a stand-up trying to make a living and apparently he didn't like that when people that's what they say I never did it right maybe the guy loved it maybe one asshole did it say dynamite

say dynamite he's like I don't like to do it yeah but that would be weird though because I mean that's what kind of got everyone to know who he is. Yeah, but after like 10 years, don't you think a man can stop saying dynamite? I mean, even worse than that, imagine being Bobcat where you do the... Yeah. I bet I worked with him... He stopped doing that, right? Yeah, well, he was doing...

I don't know. I don't know. Maybe it's like a go-to thing if with a joke like subtly is he still doing stand-up yeah he's still doing stand-up of course yeah yeah because he's didn't he stop for a while he's like where's he doing he's directing kimmel i mean he directs kimmel i think yeah he was directing the man show he directed um directed movies as well and he did uh the world's worst dad which is a great movie movie. Have you ever seen that? No, but I want to see it. Oh, fucking let me tell you the logline. What is this new movie

that he's got coming out? American Dream or something like that. World's Worst Dad, Robin Williams plays a dad whose son dies from auto-asphyxiation erotica. And he writes him a suicide note and says he killed himself

so he's going to deal with it. And because of the suicide note the kids writings become popular wow and the dad is doing all the writings and the dad always wanted to be a writer it's a great fucking movie it is a great fucking movie his new movie is called god bless america and it's it's very violent and it just so we play it looks awesome i can't wait to meet bobcat that'll be fun that'll be a fun interview don't drool on him dude no no i just want to talk i want to get his leg i want to talk about some things with bobcat i don't know past present future ex-wife you know all those fun don't do that brian promise me no no i'm just telling me you're not going to be a problem promise me no no

I'm just kidding promise me you're not gonna be a problem I'm just kidding too late too late Paula thanks to everybody

who tuned in this week and thanks to everyone who came out to the Ice House Comedy Club last night it was a fucking tremendous show

seriously it was really amazing we had a great great time it was so cool to be able to do that on a Wednesday night are you doing one Friday

you know what Joe I don't know if we've talked about this or not I'm thinking about we should just take over Wednesday from now on. Instead of doing Friday, Wednesday is when all the comics are in town. Yeah, Wednesday is good, but we can do Fridays too sometimes. I like doing Fridays when I'm around.

Or we keep our Fridays open so we can go out to the Olive Garden. Whatever, bitch. But either way, we'll be doing more shows at the Ice House. It's a great place, and I've got to develop some new material now before my special gets out. Hey, are you releasing your special? Yeah, online. Yeah, exactly. They're building a website for it now.

It's going to take a couple months. So it probably won't be until August or September that I'll release it. Joe, let's go on a mushroom trip so we can get new material. I don't know if you can handle mushrooms anymore. Yeah, I can. Okay. All right, we'll do it. It just has to be a comfortable situation.

What does that mean? Like a comfortable situation. It can't be at the UFC. As long as it doesn't mean 100 degrees in a hotel room and you and me naked. No. No. Wow. Sounds like a great story, guys.

Let's go look at that property, Joe. Yes, we're going to go do that. We're going to go look at Death Squad West, also known as Higher Primate Studios. Thank you to everybody tuned in for the podcast. Thank you to The Flesh Life for sponsoring our podcast. And if you go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link. Click it. Click it.

Enter in the code name Rogan. Get yourself 15% off the number one sex toy for men. The shirt that Brian is displaying in his image is the Machine shirt. Oh, please. I am the Machine, the Burt Chrysler shirt. And you can get that at BurtBurtBurt.com. Holla. Support your boy. Baby needs new shoes. Come am the machine. The Burt Chrysler shirt. You can get that at BurtBurtBurt.com. Holla. Support your boy. Baby needs new shoes.

Come on 7. And you can also... You're doing a podcast soon now? I started taping it on the road with my bodyguards. With your bodyguards? I've been getting bodyguards everywhere I went, so I've been doing podcasts with them. Because you go for your TV show. Yeah, I go to crazy

places so we get bodyguards. But I don't know when it's coming out. It's coming out when I get a little time under my belt. I got also, I'm fucking 75 pages

due by August 1st on my book. So I'm a little overwhelmed. So I appreciate everyone that emails me and says, start your podcast. I'm working on it.

I'm working on everything. Okay. Powerful bird crusher. You're a fucking savage. God bless you. God bless you, Joe. That's it, you fucking dirty freaks we'll see you uh next week thank you for everything we appreciate it all uh thanks to honor.com o-n-n-i-t makers of alpha brain new mood shroom tech sport shroom tech immune and uh next week we're gonna launch the kettlebells and let you know what the fuck is up.

We're ironing out all the details right now. And that's it. So you see, guys. And goodbye for now. Thank you.