The Joe Rogan Experience - #223 - Bobcat Goldthwait

Episode Date: May 30, 2012

Joe sits down with Bobcat Goldthwait.

We were talking about the bachelorette party, the bane of the comedy thing, but I had a group of women in Sioux City? Sioux Falls? I can't remember which one. But came in late, sat in, took over the whole show, just wouldn't shut up, you know, and I do my stock lines about quieting people down and they're not gonna, and they're gonna make it all about themselves the whole night and uh it got to the point where the crowd's like going you know kick them out and stuff and then finally like i have this rage that i don't love or i'm proud of but you know it's there and so so finally i go okay you want the show to be about you you know and it's like and i really don't know what i'm saying during that i'm serious it's just like you know and Sanger just sure yeah and so I stopped because the crowds cheering because by the way like a comedy club people love tension they love conflict I mean a bar is never empty because he said hey two guys are getting along in the parking lot let's watch so so the crowds cheering and then I go back I start doing my act and all

of a sudden one of the women in the middle of the group stands up, and she's sobbing, and she goes, I'm not a whore. It's my birthday. Oh, my God. Because apparently in the middle of the diatribe, I called her a whore, and I don't remember it. Wow. I'm not a whore.

It's my birthday. That's a good T-shirt. Maybe that's going to be my get or done That's gonna be my I'll be selling them After the show I'm not a whore, it's my birthday Hold the t-shirt up

At the end of my set It is bizarre How many people think they have some license To be a cunt because it's their birthday It's just so weird it's my birthday weekend too it's not it's not just one day anymore it's like the whole week and guys do it also like i saw a guy the other day it was his birthday and i'm like when's your birthday i don't want to say who the comic is and he's just like oh it was wednesday and i'm like you're telling everyone to buy you shots. It's Friday. Your birthday was two days ago.

You're a grown man. What the fuck is wrong with you? How weird is it to get super excited, A, about your birthday, but B, about the days around it? Right. Your birthday weekend? What the fuck? I had a birthday Saturday. And it's depressing.

I turned 50, but everybody always thinks I'm a lot older, right? They always think, because I look, I know I'm not aging gracefully, but people always think I'm a lot older. But I got on Letterman when I was 20. Wow. So I've been doing this for a long time, yeah. Boston. Boston, by the way, but I also started like in Syracuse, and then I moved to Boston when

I was like 18. You were a part of that crazy time period of Boston comedy. Boston comedy, like if you look back at all the great comedians that came out of that one town. It was really incredible. Stephen Wright and Jay Leno. I mean, there's so many guys. Lenny Clark. There were so many great guys that came out of Boston.

When I was there, it was Steve Wright and Paula Poundstone. Well, a lot of guys are still there, like Tony V and Barry Crimm. Kenny Rogers. Kenny Rogers and Mike Donovan. Sweeney. Yeah, all those guys. It was a really, really, really crazy part. But I didn't realize it.

I guess it wasn't that crazy in other cities. It must have been, right? I don't know. I mean, I think that spot spot your spot in the 80s was it like it was like early 80s yeah like 80 yeah that was like the i think that was like the best spot ever in the country i don't think there's ever been that many great comedians that came out of one spot a lot of them that people don't even know about but the majority of the comedy clubs at that time in boston were kind of ran and booked by the comics so that's why and like if you were derivative of

someone else you would get kind of iced out of the scene and stuff so you yeah you're you had a really original group it was a very original group but it was really insane i remember being like with uh i don't know why he would tell a story like this but i remember like i don't drink or take drugs and people don't know that because because i always seem like i'm fucked up anyways you know but you don't do anything no no and i haven't since i was 19 wow so all those crazy performances that you did yeah completely stone sober yeah yeah it makes them ever more impressive and frightening but you know what kind of i think it's weird it's like people will blame drugs for that stuff and it's like when you're on drugs you don't scream and run around you know i mean what kind of drugs

are you on like you know what makes you do that you know uh but yeah but i think like uh like really straight people uh assume that that's what happens when you're on drugs. You know what I mean? Right. That's funny. Yeah. You're like a fake drugged out guy. Yeah. Like when Charlie Sheen was having his manic episodes, instead of feeling bad for the guy,

everybody was like going, oh, he's on drugs. You know, that's someone who's a huge nerd that's never done drugs saying that he's on drugs. You know, it's like when you're on drugs, you don't go, I need a press conference. You know, you're on drugs.

You stay here in the closet thinking black helicopters are flying under the couch. Yeah. I mean, if you're having bad experiences on drugs, I think that's why people don't think I'm sober either, because I'm not one of these annoying people that thinks people shouldn't be on drugs.

You know, I, I, you know, I'm not against them. I, I just, uh,'t be on drugs you know i i you know i'm not against them i i just uh i blew it you know i mean but i i i feel uncomfortable around people who don't drink or take drugs that's funny you know what i mean like well i think that's part of growing up doing comedy where i did too or the the life i grew up as a kid but i i remember being in boston and this is when i still did drink and uh doing drugs i was

doing uh i remember that i i'm embarrassed to say i was doing coke because coke is so douchey you know it's the axe cologne of drugs you know it's like yeah and and and it was like 4 35 in the morning maybe even earlier it was earlier because what we had uh what we had done is had all the windows at the dinghob uh cardboard boxes so people so the light couldn't come in and it's just like all these comics drinking and partying and it's like the door swings open what time was it it's what time you mean yeah in the day yeah yeah it was like morning because when the door swung open all the sunlight poured in and these cops like backlit fill the door. And I'm like, wow, I'm going to jail.

And then the cops are like, Lenny, Lenny, you fucking prick. How are you? Cops were friends and Lenny was like, and they just sat down and started drinking and partying with us. Oh, that's hilarious. I remember. And I was like 18 years old. I'm going to jail. Oh, this is my scene in blow yeah this is the best scene ever but you know it's

funny when i was in blow uh the night before i i had some sort of cold and i and i couldn't feel my nose and i was like oh this is what it was like to do coke you know i i you know so i ad-libbed the line in this movie uh what was the wig budget on this movie i i had lived the line i can't feel my face which uh it was uh it's very 150. me running 160 jesus christ 170 180 100 170, 180, 100... 187. Where did you get this stuff? Columbia.

Oh, uh... Oh, do you mind if I do a line? Yeah, go ahead. Fuck it, let's all do one. do you imagine doing coke with peewee it was uh we're doing baby laxative here oh really yeah so you just shit a lot what did i tell you derrick i shat a willow tree it's great uh what am i supposed to do with all this so jesus. Jesus Christ, George, I don't see you in two years and you show up at my fucking door with 110 pounds a blow. Just fucking sell it, Derek.

All right, but it's gonna take me a year. I can't feel my face. I mean, I can touch it, but I can't feel it inside. So that's the scene. I actually, you know, when I said, where did you get this?

Johnny Depp actually ad-libbed a funny line. He goes, my dentist. But it was funny because he turns out he's a very funny guy. But I did say this when I was filming that scene. And it became in my stand-up. I hate to be corny and do a story from my stand-up, but it is true. I didn't really know those guys that well at all. And I go, is anybody in this scene not on probation?

And Johnny Depp's like, what did you do? I go, I set the Tonight Show on fire. And he's like, yeah, why'd you do that? I go, I don't know. I thought it was funny. And then I'm like, you smashed up that hotel he goes yeah i go were you drunk and johnny depp is funny he goes in my defense the hotel room made the first move and this is a true story because then i look over at paul rubens and he's just trying to ignore the conversation it wasn't

like hey yeah i rubbed one out that is a weird rock and roll thing to trash the hotel room thing. Yeah, but I mean. Have accountants pay for it all. But I've always felt like during, there was a period where I was trashing television shows, you know. And it was just, I had the same kind of frustration and rage. And I thought, well, if I do it at a Holiday Inn, you know, big deal. Why don't I do it on a TV show? That's kind of funny, at least.

I know that makes no sense to you. You're looking at me like... You look like the RCA Victor dog just then staring at me. I mean, I kind of see your point. But... I mean, I don't see the point of doing hotel rooms. I've never understood it. Just smashing shit and like, what are you doing?

That's just... Out of boredom. Hitting the roof. No, but it's so stupid to you doing that's just out of boredom but in the room but it's so stupid to me it's just so childish well for me i couldn't do that because i'd be afraid of waking up people next door i'm serious like i have no problems setting the tonight or or yeah or smashing up the arsenio hall show but the idea of i don't want to put somebody else out did you do you smashed arsenio hall shows too what did you do there yeah way crazier than the tonight show really yeah yeah yeah because he got fired you know because of uh they put chevy chase on in 70 markets in front of them so

paramount kind of fucked him over so uh i went out and i said uh are you really quitting it's like a week or two before and he goes yeah and i go well let's not make it easy on them you know so I I spray painted paramount sucks on the backdrop big letters and then I uh I started throwing the couches into the audience and the crowd was going crazy oh and then I remember I took a television set monitor and and just threw it and then put my uh put my work boots through the back of it jesus christ which is way more expensive than anything i did on tonight show but yeah so then they they like tell arsenio like get him and so he wrestles me down and as he's got me on the ground he goes thank you man what well because it was because it was such a colossal fuck you

and then like you know a week later jay had booked me on the tonight show you know which because and he came in the dressing room and he's like you know don't don't smash up too much stuff you know because because they were hoping that i'd do something fucked up now i'm not blaming them i mean i was an asshole but you felt like that was a bit of the green light oh yeah i mean i knew that i was on there to do something screwy. But, you know, what made it arson was that I actually had this lighter, a barbecue lighter taped to my wrist. That's what made it arson? Yeah, because it meant that it was... Premeditated?

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. It was like in Taxi Driver. Were you worried when you did that? Lighting things on fire? No, I mean, because I knew it would burn clean, the lighter fluid and stuff. And then I also had a buddy, I said, you know, stand next to this fire extinguisher if it gets out of control. But, you know, I don't mean to make this my hook because I've talked about it on other podcasts.

But I guess it's good to clear the air, you know? Right. But I don't know. People think I was banned from The Tonight Show, but they had me on immediately right after. You know what was weird? What was weird was, see, it is a lot bigger than I always try to make. I go, it's just a little fire. Jesus Christ.

Well, that's because I'm squirting lighter fluid right there. Why did you do that i love that i've i've listened to this show to get ready and this is you're like speechless twice now he's just looking at why i mean i could i guess you're pissed off but i mean i guess you know what it is you're you're you're um i don't know i mean you're i think maybe you're too hipp, you know what it is. You're, I don't know. I mean, I think maybe you're too hippie. You know what I mean? I think it's funny.

You're the mixed martial artist guy, and I've got more rage, which is really weird. It's probably just because I exercise it. So you get it all out. Yeah, I get it all out physically. So what about on stage? Do you ever snap? Very rarely. I mean, if I do i it's for fun and i don't you know what i mean like like i'm not shooting no it's like

that's like part of what you know to shut someone up you have to get into a rage but am i actually enraged no i'm just doing what i have to do to keep the show rolling. Yeah. I feel more pity for people like that than anything at this point. What, like a heckler? Yeah, a heckler. Just anyone who's just completely over-anxious to get attention, just obnoxious, moronic. I feel bad for them. I feel bad that people are at that stage in their life

where they're just so fucking stupid they want to yell out in the middle of a show and interrupt. But what about when it's like when, look, when they do that and they make it so you can't do your act? Then you have to go after them. Right. I try not to be actually angry, though, if that makes any sense. No, I understand.

It's like what I was saying, like that rage. It's like a switch. It's like a tool that I have that i'm not proud of but unfortunately it doesn't really boil up in my real life i do think people think that i'm uh might be out of control in the rest of my life but i don't think i am well you seem very friendly i don't think i don't think of you as a guy that would be like filled with rage I think of you as a guy who probably would have rage if you felt like someone

was fucking with you and it's corny and played out and I really don't have any patience for bullying which I hate that term now people use it so it doesn't mean the same thing but I don't like bullies.

Bullies ever since I was a little boy. But if you think that the world should be a just place, you do spin out a lot. I mean, so, I mean, you know, I don't know. I think, and I don't actually, I'm not helping my case because we talked a little bit about my new movie. If people see that, they think I'm angry too, you know. Okay, so spoiler alert. Maybe a baby does get shot in the first two minutes. Oh, Jesus.

Look, it's not a real baby, Joe. It's a stuck baby. I know, but seeing a baby get shot, whoa, that is intense. Well, in my defense, that baby was an asshole. No. It's a stuck baby. I know, but seeing a baby get shot, whoa, that is intense. Well, in my defense, that baby was an asshole. No. It's a baby. Well, there's the trailer, but I think someone's posted the clip of the baby getting shot. Do you know Brian Holtzman?

No. Stand-up comic. He's one of these guys that is probably one of the funniest guys ever, but for whatever reason, he can never get it together enough to get a career in stand-up. When Susan Smith drowned her kids, he came into the comedy store and he goes, I heard those were bad kids. He goes, I heard they sat that close to the television, never put away their blocks, they're constantly spilling those milk.

The kids will not be missed. It was, everybody was like, holy shit. And if you see him, he's like this really big, intense guy with slick back hair, and he stands right in front of the mic. It was one of the funniest fucking things I ever saw anybody say. Now, do you think he means that?

No, no. It's just a character he plays. Because I've done that, where I've gone over the line, and I've said things that I don't believe, and it made me feel bad later. Like, I opened for Nirvana, and I know comics are always like, oh, you know, getting heckled and stuff.

You know, I mean, I got hit with teenagers. They would successfully throw people from the pit and hit me. And I had M80s going off around me. Oh, my God. And I get hit with Bibles a lot, too, which was weird. Whoa. Wow. Yeah. and so boots and stuff so i learned like i learned like the serpentine you know i mean i would just go back

how many times did you open for that i did i think like 16 17 shows wow and every once in a while i would go okay which was weird you know but i was more comfortable when it was horrible i know that sounds weird but that was my that felt right to me do you know what i mean like that's he deserved no i just thought it was kind of funny you know like when you get laughs that means the crowd likes you when you get like rage that means you have all of their attention do you know what i mean right like robin williams is my good friend right and robin you know he goes on stage and people love him and then I would go on after him when we do sets and and and in a weird way it meant more for me for people to go Oh Robin Williams showed up last night yeah and

then Bobcat Goldthwait was there do you know what that fucking asshole said in a weird way that meant more to me you know it his form of neuroses is way more lucrative you know mine telling people to fuck off isn't as lucrative but uh but yeah so i was opening for nirvana in chicago and michael jordan had retired from basketball and i went hey chicago and by the way they hated me to begin with but i go hey chicago i feel bad but you know for $40 million a year, I'd shoot my own dad in the fucking head. Oh, God.

And there was a noise that wasn't even like a boo. It was just, like, fuck you. I wish I had that sampled. It was the best noise ever. What did you think at that moment when you heard that noise? I kind of thought it was funny, you know, but I did, you know, I don't have a beef with Michael Jordan.

I felt bad. I mean, even though, because people, just because they're super famous doesn't mean they're still not human. So I go, why did I do that? But, you know, so you live and you learn. It's baby steps. But the only person laughing that night really was, I remember walking by Kurt behind the amp, and he goes,

I can't believe you said that. But, yeah, I had met Kurt before they broke. He was a fan of mine and wanted to interview me. So he interviewed me at a college radio station in Ann Arbor. I know that blows people's minds. It's like finding out that Jimi Hendrix really loved Buddy Hackett or something.

I bet he did. I bet he did. I love that talking duck movie. It blew my mind. Wow. That's pretty fucking cool. I toured in the open form. i repelled a nude from the roof of

the oakland coliseum on new year's when the with them because they were playing there and uh and uh yeah are you did you meet courtney were you around courtney yeah a little bit did you see their relationship yeah i mean what i saw actually i don I don't have any good dirt for people. They seem to like each other. You know, I think people get involved in all this crazy conspiracy stuff and all this stuff. I think what happens with some things, and I know where I am when I'm talking about crazy conspiracy, but sometimes I think huge tragedies happen,

and people can't justify them, so they have to make up some other thing. You know what I'm saying? I think sometimes it's just, you know, Kurt was a really sweet guy, but he certainly was manic depressive. And I almost think, like, again, we were talking about drugs earlier. People were talking about drugs. It's like that killed him. It's like, well, when we were talking about drugs earlier, people were talking about drugs. It's like that killed him. It's like, well, that didn't really kill him. You know, he had some in his system when he died, but he cleaned up enough to commit suicide.

You know, there's some people that are chemically imbalanced, and there's some people that are prone to suicide. And I think blaming drugs is really lazy, you know. Well, it certainly upsets the balance, though, right? It's weird. Guys, I'm 30 years sober, and I'm saying this.'m saying this, but I think it's just easy to blame drugs. Well, yeah, I see what you're saying. I mean, it's a personal choice, right? I mean, to get addicted in the first place.

Yeah, but I don't think all addictions. Look, I don't think heroin kills. I think running out of heroin kills. So what does heroin do? You know. Not good, but whatever. Well, look, the only time I've been high, high in the past 30 years, I had back surgery and I was undulotted.

And I'll tell you what, I certainly didn't have any suicidal thoughts that fucking week and a half. What was it like? It was beautiful. Was it beautiful? Yeah, it was really i'm not gonna lie it's essentially like an opium like experience yeah my wife came home and i was crying watching lifetime oh my god i've never told this story oh my god i'm just sobbing going i'm watching a lifetime show uh uh markie Post is they're gonna take away your son

and she's like and my wife goes you don't get any more delighted I was just crying oh that's that sounds awesome that would have been

great to videotape yeah no wonder why people like those fucking pills man is that what oxygodones are like is that the same thing I don't know.

I never did it, but I'm assuming it is. It's all like opiates, right? Yeah. Scared of that shit. Yeah, it's bad times, man, because it's the need and the getting off of them, which are horrible. I've heard. I don't know why we're talking so much about drugs today, but it's all right. I don't know why we're talking so much about drugs today, but it's all right.

Did you document your time with Nirvana at all or with Kurt or anything at that time? Did you have a video camcorder that you kept around? No. I have seen a photo of me nude behind him on stage. I have the in utero wings on. And I'm naked with a repelling little thing and then I love the fact and I also have a hat on I like that I don't mind people seeing my dick when my love handles but not my balding pate I've got a hat on and I will say this if you're a comedian or performing you're gonna be

nude publicly give it a tug you'll You'll thank me later because, yeah, it was cold. I really wish I did pull my dick. How many photos are there of that out there? Surprisingly, not a ton. What year was this? This was in the mid-'90s, I'm guessing. Did they even have digital cameras then? Oh, now it would have been everybody's phone.

But still, I mean, it wasn't hot. It was just weird you know there was so much mayhem going on stage too by the way because it was midnight you know fireworks were going off it was just like oh yeah and there's bob scratch goldfarb nude walking around like a cherub i was we were gonna the way that it was set up the uh uh it was mid you know new year's so they wanted to do an extra thing where there's explosions. And I remember saying to Kurt, I said, you know, I go, fuck you, man. I'm tired of being your scatter.

That was Elvis' chimp. I go, fuck you, man. I don't want to cheer you up. Go call Pauly Shore or something. So when we set up the thing about me repelling, the stage manager took cold cuts, and he built the stage out of the food tray in the back, and he's like, okay, here's where Chris is, here's Dave, here's Kurt, and Bob's going to repell in nude, and these M&Ms are where the explosives are.

And so they go, Kurt, we'll tell you when it's midnight. You count back from 10 or whatever, you know. Okay, so it's midnight, and they give him the signal, and he looks up, and I'm holding my own weight, like rappelling down, but I stop, you know, so he can count. So I'm giving him the brown eye, basically, from 150 feet up. He looks up, and he goes, Hey, Oakland, you want to hear a drum solo

and so i can't i barely can hold my own way and then finally he just goes one and i and i shot down really fast i had rope burns on my ass and stomach and i landed right behind him bam and then uh i came down so fast he actually didn't see it and then he like he looks up and he's like paulie paulie and so and so then i ducked behind this amp looking for uh cover because they were supposed to even my clothes were supposed to be there but someone had taken them as a joke you know and so i just kind of had to stand in the middle of the stage because everywhere there was bombs going off i learned this if. If you're nude at midnight, you don't get a kiss. Like everywhere I went, people were like, whoa, nude guy walking around, a little weird.

So yeah, so again, all this is in sobriety. Wow, that's hilarious. No one would have assumed. I always thought you definitely were at least a weed guy. No, what it is is like often i see something and i go well this this is never gonna happen again so i gotta uh carpe diem man you know i gotta i gotta seize the moment you know when things align you gotta light the couch on fire you gotta light that couch on fire you gotta dry hump michael bolton like once i was it you dry humped michael bolton yeah he was he was singing and it was his benefit and he was the headliner and yeah and uh and so I just see him and I'm like well I'm never gonna have this kind of access to Michael Bolton again so I

walk out behind him and I just grabbed him I just started dry humping him and his crew tackled me they dragged me off stage and the guy's like, what the fuck is wrong with you? I thought it'd be funny. He's like, just get out of here, man. I go, well, tell Michael I'm sorry. Does this mean no softball tomorrow? He's like, just get out of here, man.

So I walked and ran, actually, around the whole auditorium and came up to the other side, and I started booking out again. But I got tackled that time. I didn't even make it to him. I didn't get back to pass the kick drum did they hurt you no no no because they're used to grabbing you know chubby catholic women and tackling them you know they're not like you know that's the that's the threat at a michael bolton concert well you would think though that security would want to kick your ass for doing something like yeah but it was his security so they were yeah they were kid gloves. How badass is Michael Bolton's security?

I don't know. I would think some chicks would go crazy for that guy. They have bow and arrows. I know. I bet. For real, man. He probably had a really hard time keeping crazy chicks away from him in his prime. He's not like the Stones at Altmont hiring the Hells Angels to kick ass.

Right. Some of those clerical workers are going to give us a lot of strife today, guys. Clerical workers. Yeah, he represents like, he's the singing version of those really great looking guys that are like paintings on the cover of those really stupid romance books. The romance novels. Yeah, with the guys flowing long hair. Yeah, Fabio kind of thing.

Yeah, exactly. The Fabio kind of guy. I see Fabio a lot. It guys flowing long hair. Yeah, Fabio kind of thing. Yeah, exactly. The Fabio kind of guy. I see Fabio a lot. It's a woman. It's a man-woman hybrid thing. You know, with the long hair like that. I mean, you see what they're doing? I mean, what men do you know that have like open chested shirts and they have long flowing

hair like that? That's ridiculous. That's partly a woman. Yeah. That's what they're looking for. They're looking for some weird amalgamation of man and woman. The uber romantic that doesn't exist in actual men. But is that guy going to have sex with a woman?

Eventually. When she wants it, on her terms. Oh, okay. It's not like a pirate? It's just like... No, no, no. He's super romantic. A super strong guy.

He just lives only for her. See, this is why this Twilight thing worked. What women found it to be a romance film. I mean, it really wasn't a vampire movie. Well, and I mean, that's the American Idol thing. It's guys who are non-threatening to old ladies and young girls. But I think when a woman grows up, she wants to get laid. She wants to get fucked.

She doesn't want... Some do. She wants to get laid. She wants to get fucked. She doesn't want... Some do. And they retain the need for intense amounts of romance in an almost fictional form. And that's where it bounces out

in these Twilight sort of things. Where we don't understand it and we're going, what the fuck is going on? And yet you're seeing flocks of women lining up to buy these books. But I find that those women are really arrested. I find them.

In their development? Yeah, they're very arrested. They're very immature. You know what I mean? In a certain way? Or that's just what they like. And they indulge it. Yeah, but do you think there's older women that are like that?

I don't know. I would assume there's probably some. I don't know. I want to know the ages on that. So what you're thinking is that as they get wiser and older, that seems more and more ridiculous. Yeah, the idea of running off with some pirate with sexy hair. I don't think it's that they really want to do that.

I don't think it's like they would really run off with a vampire. They love reading the story about the woman who runs off with a vampire. She's the one for him. I don't know anything about the Twilights. I don't know too much. Outside that they're a Mormon version of the thing. The woman was a Mormon. So she didn't even know too much about the vampire culture, I believe.

The woman who wrote it? Yeah, yeah. Well, she made up a bunch of shit. They can even be in the sunlight they just sparkle what the fuck is that they're supposed to they're supposed to

die like instantly that's not a real vampire fake that's bullshit fake that's bullshit they burst into flames don't you see Blade

what makes me more of a nerd that I'm upset that they're like that is so bullshit that's not real vampires I got upset at Blade because they got away with the sun thing with sunscreen I'm like that is fucking ridiculous wow that's not real vampires i got upset at blade because they got away with the sun thing

with sunscreen i'm like that is fucking ridiculous that's as lazy as fuck that's bullshit yeah yeah it's total bullshit you can't fucking wear sunscreen bitch i'm calling bullshit on blade 100 bullshit well again yeah i guess that's a sensitive vampire. But that's at least better to me. I'll take the sunscreen over they sparkle. Like, you can't just reinvent the vampire. I guess you can. I mean, but... No, you can't. That's ridiculous.

But I mean, there's, you know, I mean, what universe do they really exist in anyways? You know, I would not know anything about what would make a lucrative story. I think they should just... I don't think you understand. I would not know anything about what would make a lucrative story. I think they should just... I don't think you understand. I saw Shakes the Cloud and I fucking loved it, dude. My movies make hundreds of dollars.

Hundreds. So I have Shakes the Cloud and then I did a movie called Windy City Heat. That one I didn't write, but that's when I directed and kind of helped put all the pieces together. Yeah. With Don Barrett. I still haven't watched that. Seriously? Oh, that's great.

I haven't had the heart. World's Greatest Dad is a movie I did with Robin Williams. No? I didn't see World's Greatest Dad. Again, he's staring at me. No, I saw Shakes the Clown, though. I loved it. Shakes the Clown.

Well, these movies, Shakes is a fucked up movie. That's a very angry movie. And every once in a while, like Tom Kenny and I went to a screening. Tom Kenny plays Benke the evil clown is now the voice of SpongeBob. So I always think Nickelodeon probably doesn't really. Never puts you together. Yeah, I'm sure Nickelodeon is like, hey, you know the guy who's doing coke and killing people with juggling pins? Yeah, that's our cornerstone

yeah so spongebob i've known tom kenney since i was six years old but so tommy was uh binky the clown he and i were watching shakes at this thing and it was just packed with people and they were dressed as the characters and they were there was clown whores there and everything was really strange and uh people were really fucked up and then the middle of a time kenny leans over to me he goes what the fuck were we thinking and i'm like i don't know man and uh it was like that star trek uh sketch on snl you know i mean like these people were really passionate about it and i'm like get a life i didn't say that i was very nice to them but i was a junior in high school and shakes the clown was the first uh independent movie i didn't know what independent movies were and that was the

first movie that i had to go to a different movie theater than i was used to you know like off the amc cinema and i watched it and i it was my favorite movie in high school growing up uh and uh what was weird about shakes the clown is do have you ever gone back to do a commentary on it or anything like that? No, I'd like to do that. I'd like to do that and get everybody together. Because, I mean, there's a ton of comics in that movie. It's not just Robin, but there's Adam Sandler and Blake Clark. I might do that, get a case of beer and get us all together.

Do it as a podcast. If you ever want to use the studio to do a podcast, you can always use DeskCard. There we go. And then how many people would actually sync it up, though? I think a lot of people. We do it a lot of times with UFCs and TV shows and stuff like that. But I think a lot of these movies would be great to just go back and revisit as some kind of, you know?

Yeah. And you know what? That would be a cool video to release online of you doing that. And I bet it would really pump up the DVD sales. Well, shakes. I don't have a problem revisiting it. I try. I'm wondering if I'll remember many of the stories,

but I do remember that I ended up on the today show with a real clown debating the program oh no yeah because clowns were protesting it they were mad yeah yeah yeah and so i just bait the guy before we go on i was like what's your name and he's like i'm bamboozle i'm like no dude what's your real name he's like i'm in my clown attire so call me by my clown name okay i'm gonna rip you a new one when we get out there. So we get on TV. And Katie Couric says this was her worst interview ever. So we get on TV, and she's like going, the clown's like,

clowns do a lot of good for a lot of good causes, and Bobcat's film portrays them in a negative light. And I go, nobody thinks you're funny. The only reason you perform in hospitals, because that's one place a kid can't get up and run away from you. And then Katie Kirk's like, would you please be serious? I was like, no, you're interviewing me and a clown. Would you please be serious about this very important issue of clowns?

Clown abuse. A clown abuse. So I like the fact that my dad actually was always saying, what did you do to Katie Couric? Because she says you were the worst interview. He had her back, not mine. How could that be the worst interview? If that's the worst interview you've ever had, really?

Yeah, I know. And this was someone who at the time was probably interviewing the Backstreet Boys and stuff. So me, because I came out in character, was the worst thing she had ever seen. The worst thing ever. He ruined my month well because i also it was my birthday month i think because i also she wasn't familiar with me and i think i sucker punched her because i think she met me and i was like oh hi and then i came out and i was like oh i see yeah yeah so she expected you what to have some sort of a

rational debate or she couldn't switch gears and realize you were in character? I guess I would be wigged out if I didn't know me. And I met the guy, and then I come out, and I'm like, ah! How did you create that character? Where did that come from? I just never felt comfortable doing traditional stand-up. So the idea of just doing this guy who was – I was uncomfortable on stage stage so just to be nervous

you know like my early stand-up would just be me reading a dear john letter and crying a real dear john letter and then because they go hey please welcome to me bobcat gold right now and then i go and you want to hear jokes you know i'd be sobbing and it'd be like two guys walking to a bar i'd read the letter and and and they go my wife is so fat you know how fat is she i told you i don't even have a girlfriend don't you fucking listen you know it wasn't it wasn't stand-up it was just this real weird thing i would do and and eventually people would start picking on that character and then he it would become i would become more angry and and kind of defensive and it became crazier and crazier.

But I also just didn't like the idea of going out on stage and pretending that was me, because all the comics I always looked up to, be it Groucho Marx or Andy Kaufman or anybody, they had a persona they hid behind. And the idea for me just to go out in a sweater and talk about dating seemed so foreign to me. Also, I was so young, too, so that was the other reason why it was weird.

What kind of a persona did Groucho Marx have? Well, I mean, that's not Groucho, you know what I mean? The cadence in his voice and all that. Right, right, right. I mean, he painted on a mustache, for God's sakes, you know? He had a painted-on mustache? Really? Yeah, man. He would paint on his mustache.

You saw this next guy in Police Academy. Oh, my God. man he would paint on his mustache oh my god was that weird seeing you yeah mostly mostly because i sound like a dinosaur i thought it was gonna be the black guy who makes the funny noises i didn't realize that joke is so old. I actually still have to do that joke when people introduce me. Hey, I thought it was going to be the black guy. That's funny. I think it's sad that Bubba Smith passed away. I get a call. The way I found out about it is I get a call from the AP wire service.

They go, hey, do you have a comment on Bubba Smith passingith passing away and i was like well i didn't know he died and he just died a few hours before and uh yeah i have a quote um he was a really good guy who uh didn't take any bs and he was a lot smarter than people realized, and he told great stories. That's what I was saying. But the whole time I'm thinking, man, when I die, I hope they don't call fucking Gutenberg. You know? I hope.

I'm like, I haven't seen Bubba in 20 years, and they called me. Right. Did you see Gutenberg when something happened? When Phil Hartman was killed, Gutenberg dressed up in like a suit and a tie and went down to talk to the reporters and sort of represent celebrities and to ask for privacy. It was one of the weirdest fucking things I've ever seen. It was like he knew that cameras were going to be there and he vaguely knew them. So he decided to represent the situation. It was like he knew that cameras were going to be there, and he vaguely knew them, so he decided to represent the situation. It was really strange. No, I've never seen that. So he goes out, and he starts acting like—

He's just sort of talking to the press and talking to—it was really bizarre. He lived in the same neighborhood? I don't even think he lived in the same neighborhood, man. He just showed up there. Yeah, it was one of those things where I think he blew a fuse fuse he's the sergeant of arms of show business it was weird i'm the press secretary for famous people particularly weird for me because you know i was on the show with phil and i was friends with him and so you're like he wasn't like who the fuck is this guy yeah this guy it wasn't he wasn't like talking about this dude all the time but that's that's the

nature of death you know i mean when you die people have to make it all about themselves they can't they can't you know uh that's uh now i'm being a plug fest but you're talking about a guy who you actually knew passed away and then someone tried to exploit him but you know that's the plot of uh world's greatest dad the kid uh spoiler alert um robin's son in that movie dies rubbing one out uh with a belt around his neck and he's this horrible kid and then everybody at school now loves this kid and he was a great friend because robin makes it look like a suicide hangs the kid from a chin-up bar and then writes a suicide note that is way better written than anything this kid who was a fucking numbnuts could ever write and the kids go online and they publish it in the school paper so now robin keeps

writing as his dead son to get play like like there's a woman he's trying to bang oh it's just like going did kyle write anything else he's like yeah so he keeps writing as his dead son wow oh that's bizarre and it's called The World's Greatest Dad. But there's a scene in that Chris from Nirvana is in it. And Chris just had a weird cameo because Robin's son is really into fucked up porn, you know, like Shia's a porn and all this stuff in the movie. And then not Robin's real son. Not Zack or Cody.

And so there's just a scene wherein is standing in front of a porn rack and he just starts sobbing and and chris plays the newsman and he comes over and he gives him a hug and it's a really weird scene because hardcore porn reminds him of his dead son it's a very touching odd fucked up scene jeez but chris uh you know, I said, Chris, you know, what's the scene about? You know, he said, what's the scene about?

I go, you know, when someone passes away, people tend to make it all about themselves and they don't really make it about the person that, or the people that actually knew the person. And, and Chris goes,

I have no idea what you're talking about. So, so it's, that's one of my favorite scenes in the movie. It's like about, it's such a short scene, but I realized that he gets over his son's death way too fast. Now, we're ruining the movie for anyone who would be interested in seeing it, but at this point, if you haven't seen it.

The good news is 90% of the people listening to this are high as fuck, and they will have forgotten everything that you said about the movie. Bobcat just says it's awesome. But it's just really weird because you don't normally, like I think people see the movie and they think it's going to be, you know,

him and his kid are always just bashing each other and they think, oh, at the end they're going to become friends and it's like, no, page 40, I killed a fucker.

Whoa. Jesus Christ. So, yeah, so that's World's Greatest Dad. And then God Bless America is the new one, which is uh it's about a guy again uh it's about a guy who's suicidal uh kind of pushed over the edge by uh diagnosed with a brain tumor and a bunch of other things and he's sitting at home with a gun in his mouth and he's watching my super sweet 16 so So he decides instead of committing suicide that he's going to drive 400 miles and shoot and kill the girl from My Super Sweet 16, which he does.

He shoots the girl. Jesus. And then her classmate's like, did you kill Chloe? And he doesn't say anything, and she goes, awesome. And so this young girl convinces him that there's so many more douchebags in the world that need to die. So another lighthearted movie from me. That's the scene where the woman throws the tampon at the other woman.

Do you have any family? Oh, gotta take this. Do you have any family? Oh, gotta take this. My name is Chloe, I live in Virginia Beach, and everyone loves me because I'm so pretty. I wanted an Escalade! This is the biggest day of my life and you're f***ing up, Dad! Hey, Creepy. Isn't the schoolgirl thing a little played out? Don't move and don't make a sound. If you want the car, just take it. My parents got me the wrong one anyways. Yeah, that's a fucking tragedy.

Did you just kill Chloe? Awesome. And that was a fantastic start. But you know who else really rips my cock off? The Kardashians. People who use rock star as an adjective. Women who call their tits the girls. Anyone who wears crystals. You're aiming at the bear, right? This is the best day ever! Frank, don't. Let me. I'm recording this. Thanks for turning off your cell phone.

You're welcome. Why have a civilization if we're no longer interested in being civilized? Hey, buddy. What's wrong? A lot. A lot of crazy people out there. I'm gonna want to kill people who deserve to die. We gonna do this or what? I know it's not normal to want to kill, but I am no longer normal.

Dude. Really got to take both those spots? Yeah. Fuck you. Fuck you. So awesome. Got a lot of rage inside you, sir. I do not. I do not. I do not.

I like to say that movie is a very violent movie about kindness. That's how I describe it. Because all Frank wants is people to act right. And the movie came about when I kept seeing people acting really insane, like at these town hall meetings where people were shouting down people. And, you know, I remember seeing a tea party sign. It's kind of a popular one. It says, we came unarmed this time. And I was like, well, that's really crazy, man. You know, that's really, yeah. And I was like, okay, I see you're crazy and I raise you're crazy, you know,

and that's the idea behind this movie. It's just that it isn't a list of people who I really wish would die. I am nonviolent. I don't believe in the death penalty or anything, but, you know, it's kind of fighting fire with fire. I just wanted to, you know, really push it and not make a movie. You know, if you make a movie and you make fun of these people, then they can go, oh, yeah, that's me, ha, ha, ha, you know if you make a movie and you make fun of these people then they can go oh yeah that's me ha ha ha you know there's like in the new there's snooki shows up in the three stooges

so so even snooki's family can go oh that's funny ha ha ha but in my movie i i just kill snooki you know fuck you you know i mean i'm done i keep wigging out Joe so hard. No, it's not. I'm just trying to wrap my head around it. I don't kill them for real. I mean, it's comedy. But I just don't feel comfortable making it. You know, we've really, you know, my point is, why do we have all these distractions?

Do you know what I'm saying? And I'm not against reality television show. I'm not against all this stuff. But what I'm saying is we're not really going to come to any solutions when we spend all of our time name-calling and bashing each other. Now people go, well, your movie is very slanted to the left. And it's like, yeah, I think the left has a lot of problems, but I do believe the right is way nastier.

And it was kind of like me saying, all right, this might be funny, a liberal with a brain tumor and a gun. I hate the idea of the left and the right. I really do. Yeah, because it doesn't come up when they solution. Well, not only that, it's just this idea that there's only two ideologies. It's so stupid. Everyone's a combination of both for

the most part you have to be yeah or but but people choose not to be people just say i've decided that i am this ideology and so all my decisions are made up for me and i don't have to make my own opinion on certain things and and and um and and you know uh an example would be, like, I agree with Bill O'Reilly on the death penalty. He's against it. He and I can never come together because he is too busy making his living just, you know, fanning flames. Why is he against the death penalty? I'm sure for him it has to do with his Catholicism. You know, that's my guess.

I don't know why. But yet he's pro-war. Yeah, well... Yeah, well, also... Yeah, well... Catholicism as an adult is fascinating. I mean, it's one thing if you're stuck in it as a child, but as you get older...

Did you grow up Catholic? Yeah, I went to Catholic school. I went to Catholic school, too. For one year. It was horrible. It was ridiculous. It fixed me. It was a very, for me, it was a very traumatic time. My parents were getting divorced and my dad would hit my mom and there was a lot of crazy shit and we were living with my grandmother at the time. And that's when I started going to Catholic school. And it was a trying time in my life.

And I remember being really excited that I was going to go to Catholic school because I was really excited about doing the right thing and about following the Bible. And that's how you live a happy life. I really thought the reason why this was going on in my house was all fucked up because everybody wasn't down with God. They weren't doing the right thing. So this one cunt of a nun, Sister Mary Josephine, completely cured me. This bitch was so evil. She was just so mean and just there was nothing loving about her. There's nothing warm and friendly about her.

She was never happy. She never smiled. And she just had me convinced that it was all horseshit. I was like, oh, okay. There's no fucking way this lady is involved with anything legitimate. Anything good. This isn't, God, God has nothing to do with this. I mean, this is craziness.

Well, what about, whose idea was it for you to go there? Was it yours or one of your parents? No, it was my parents. I think, you know, it was probably one of the better schools in the area. It's hard to find good public schools. It was, you know, Newark, New Jersey. Yeah, yeah, no. I, yeah, i went to catholic

school my whole life i went like half a year to a public school and it was so behind that i ended up being the janitor in my own high school so i could pay my tuition not because of any religious things but the fact that the education was better there wow so i you know it's kind of funny i didn't have any stigma about being the janitor at the high school. I mean, I still, oddly enough, I was like the homecoming king, too. So while you were going to school there, you were also the janitor. I was the guy that was. And you didn't have a stigma.

Why would it have a stigma, though? I was, well, I mean, you know, it's not like being the captain of the football team, being the guy dragging out the empty milk carton bags, you know. Right right but at least you were industrious enough to figure out how to get a job yeah no i didn't i mean i didn't think anything was embarrassing about it was only till later on as an adult i would tell that story and people would go wow you know yeah there's something about being a janitor that's particularly humbling for people you know just the word janitor you're you're a guy who's essentially you clean things up that's it i don't know why it didn't bother me i don't know why it just seemed like it made

sense to me i shouldn't if i was a janitor that meant i could go to the school right well it's just it's not impressive that's why it bothers people you know who uh want to impress you with what they do you're right but then i started doing stand-up when i was like 15 16 years old so when i was in high school tom canney and i were doing stand-up wow where were you doing it they get gong shows and things like that open mic nights uh barry crimmons who was one of the boston comedy guys uh he had an open mic that was in syracuse outside of syracuse at the time we would do that every week and we're teenagers and we had fake IDs to get into the clubs and stuff holy shit so what how old did you have to be well 18 but then when I moved to Boston

it was 19 so I used my brother's Jimmy's ID to go do stand-up comedy so sometimes like I'd be in Worcester and bomb and but as Jim'd be as jim goldthwait because i had to use my brother's id wow wow that's fucking awesome man one of the coolest things about boston was all those different places you can go in and around it you know to work yeah so much like road work there was a million gigs and you would just pile into a car and there'd be like four or five of you and then you know that's the thing you miss in life is the hell gig, and then all of you would just laugh your tits off on the way home. Yeah.

So that goes away as you get older, which is kind of a drag. Yeah. That time, though, is so unstable. You can't wait for it to be over. When did you start doing stand-up? 88. And how old were you? 21. And you were in Boston? Yeah. time though is so unstable you can't wait for it to be over when did you start doing stand-up 88 and and how old were you 21 and you were in boston yeah yeah i started at uh stitches um sure jonathan katz was the host the first night i went on stage one of my last shows in boston

when i moved out of there was at stitches i took all the old one or the new one the one that was the front of the paradise ah the old one that was the front of the Paradise. Ah, the old one. That was the awesome one. And I had it all filled with all this shit from my apartment and I had a garage sale and up and down the street there was signs that said garage sale, free coffee. And like I had coffee and donuts set

up when you walked in and then I sold all the shit that I lived with. All my shit was on stage. Wow. Oh, that's hilarious. Well, I never really, I guess I'm not doing traditional stand-up a bunch when I first got started. I was kind of making fun of it. And then it became the thing I was trying to make fun of, you know? You were trying to make fun of it and then you got trapped in the act?

Yeah, definitely. You know, definitely. Because by the time I was a kid, I mean, I loved comedy when I was a little boy. Like, you know, seven or eight years old, I was watching George Carlin on the Dinah Shore show. And I said to my mom, what does he do for a living? And she's like, that's what he does for a living. And I was like, oh, yeah, that's the best thing ever. You know, I got to figure this out.

So by the time I was a teenager, I was kind of snarky and stuff. And I was kind of over the comedy that was popular at the time. And then Steve Martin came out and blew my mind and stuff. So you were sort of a comedy nerd before comedy nerds were around. Huge, huge, huge. So that's probably why I got burnt out by the time I was in my early 20s, you know, about comedy. People now take it so serious that it's kind of weird.

They make it turn it into almost like a sports mentality, which I always thought, in my mind, the comedy I liked was always about outsiders and weirdos. It wasn't about who's the best comic and who's the number one comic and who sells more and who's got the most popular podcast and blah, blah, blah. Just because your art is popular pretty much sometimes doesn't mean it's very valid. You know, the two things don't really connect.

You know, if something's good and popular, that's really strange when it does happen. You really think so? Yeah, yeah. What about the Black Keys? No, that's what I'm saying. But like something like that, they're still not like a household name, you know. They're pretty huge right now. Well, they're huge, but they're not like, if i brought those up to my sisters they wouldn't know who

they really yeah yeah i bet they would have heard their songs my sister which is not my sister none of my family knows that's incredible and they're from ohio well they're filling arenas now really yeah yeah they um they sold out madison square garden but in like 15 minutes yeah but i'm not saying that everything that's popular is bad, but I'm also saying it sounds like I'm backpedaling now. But you... Like Kardashians is not really... I know what you're saying, that there's a lot of popular shit that sucks,

and that just because something's popular doesn't mean it's good. I know what you're saying. Yeah, and I get tired of that argument. But it's easy for me, you know, because I make my movies that only play film festivals. Well, it's a weird thing. And go right to VOD. You know, it's what are you trying to do?

You know, are you trying to make a blip that hits the most amount of numbers possible? Are you trying to, like, are you calculating your attack? Or are you doing something that genuinely you would love and it just this is the way you do it and you know people are gonna like it they're not gonna like it but you're not like you're not engineering it for financial success right but i mean look what you're doing i mean look at this on paper it wouldn't make any sense at all you know we're going to combine mixed martial arts, comedy, and Art Bell. It's going to be popular. No fucking way.

Well, as a comedian, comedian slash cage fighting commentator, that doesn't seem to work. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It shouldn't work. I actually think it's funny. It's like, I owe you an apology and you don't even know it. Until I started listening to your show, I had some baggage with you just because, and why it's really unfair of me to have it, was I had a preconceived notion of you

from what you did on television. And I'm like, if anybody should cut anyone some fucking slack, it's the dude from Police Academy. Do you know what I mean? Like I had this ego thing going, what, she's doing academy do you know what i mean like i was like i had this ego thing going what's he doing stand up you know what i mean which is like oh you're the fucking purist zed oh that's funny you're the dude from hot to trot and you're gonna blow the guy from from fear factor it's a natural thing though if you have any personal angst to sort of like

look for different little weak spots yeah but that's that's not cool, man. It's not cool, but it's a natural thing. But I didn't owe you an apology because I never went anywhere and said that openly. But you know what I mean? Right. I would completely understand it. But for me, it was like there's no way I could not do that show. It was too much money. It was too crazy.

Look, I don't judge anyone. Look, I was the voice of a fruitcake this year. So I'm not about to fucking judge anything you do. But I completely understand people making fun of it. I make fun of it. Yeah, I make fun of my stuff too, but I shouldn't judge anybody. They asked me, there was a celebrity version of the show,

is that right? Of what show? Of your show? Fear Factor? Yeah. There's a few. Yeah, we did a bunch of them. Okay, because they asked me to.

And I only like things that I can fuck up that I know will make air. And what I really did, the idea I came up with was to put a bag of pudding in my pants, like brown pudding, and then wait till me being suspended somewhere and be like, Joe, I really got to get down. And then just open up the bag of pudding and just have shit dripping out of my pants. That would have been awesome. But it wouldn't have made the air. You know what I mean?

I would have fought for it. That was really the thing I was thinking. I was like, how could I fuck this up? Maybe it would have made the air. And you don't know my commitment. I actually would have just sat there all day with a bag full of pudding in my pants. Because my commitment to fuck things up is pretty good i believe it yeah we did it with uh like pen and teller did it a bunch of different people did it it was fun it was the food things that that

turned me off that's what i couldn't do the most recent you know we did it again recently we did another season of it like after like six years of being off the air. And the new season, people had to drink donkey sperm. And it got leaked out on TMZ. It got leaked out on TMZ. TMZ got pictures of the glasses, these fucking Venti Starbucks mug full of donkey cum. And then people started protesting and then NBC said they were going to pull the episode and then NBC pulled the episode

and they just canceled the show. They're like, that's it. That's my morning radio show moniker. Donkey Com. Donkey Com? That is? Donkey Com and Dave. Oh, that's funny. But they did it.

They all did it. They all did it. They all did it. They had to play horseshoes. And this is what it is. It was three groups of twins. One boy, two girls. So four girls. And one of them, they had to decide.

They would play horseshoes. And one of them would be – one would represent donkey cum, and the other one would represent donkey urine, which was actually cow's urine, I think it was. Oh, fake. The urine is way easier to swallow. Once you get past the fact that it's urine and just throw it down, it's really not that big a deal. It's actually, you can get away with it. And they boil it.

They make sure it's sterile. It's just so ridiculous. But the other person would have to drink the cum. So they would play horseshoes, and everyone landed on the same thing. They all wound up drinking 24 ounces. And you can't believe they're really going to do it. You can't believe they're really going to do it. They lay it out in the glasses.

These people drink it. I mean, it's really crazy to watch because there's essentially cum all over their face. Because it's not going down clean. So cum is dripping down their cheeks. Cum is on their clothes. And I'm like, for real? This is my job? Did they?

This is a job? And so I was telling them this is ridiculous. I was like, you can't. This is never going to air. It's never going to be on television. NBC is giving us the green light. They approved this episode. They approved the, you know, they got through standards and practices like really

really what time was that going to be on like regular time eight o'clock and so did they actually uh they actually did they say it was uh not uh what word am i looking for not purified uh sterilized well donkey cum is sterile because donkeys are hybrids see horse cum is the reason this is how fear factor would work say we found some people were eating something in some other culture like balut which is like this chicken embryo or duck embryo that they love in the philippines in america it's like what the fuck is that oh it's disgusting in their country it's it's normal so we have to just find something that's fucked up in other countries

that people eat because they're starving and we get people to eat it. So in New Zealand, some crazy assholes decided to start selling shots of horse semen at bars. So people get fucked up.

You have a few tequilas. Like, let's do a horse shot, mate. Let's do a horse shot. And you're doing shots. Yeah, it's like Red Bull. Yeah. It's like natural Red Bull, supposedly. Supposedly. It gives you like a little energy. I think the energy shots. Yeah, it's like Red Bull. Yeah. It's like natural Red Bull, supposedly.

Supposedly. It gives you a little energy. I think the energy is just like, I just swallowed some fucking sperm. Right. It's exciting. What the fuck am I doing? Your heart's beating faster. You're just like, holy shit.

It feels like drugs. So because of that, the producers extrapolated, oh, well, then we'll make people drink a big gulp bowl of donkey jizz. And they got donkey jizz because it's cheaper. Sure. Because it's useless. It doesn't really make donkeys. Oh, I, then we'll make people drink a big gulp bowl of donkey jizz. And they got donkey jizz because it's cheaper. Sure. Because it's useless. It doesn't really make donkeys. Oh, I got you.

Because they're sterile. Because they're shooting blanks. Yeah, and the way they get them is they use a cattle prod. They stick it up the donkey's ass. And, you know. It's a rusty tromboning. Yeah, exactly. Triggers his area.

And then he jizzes. And it just blasts. And then he just blasts. And then they just gather it all up and sell it to Fear Factor. Wow. And now you said you tasted it just because you wanted to taste it. Well, I ate some cooked. No. Wait, what?

I ate some cooked. No. Wait, what are you talking about? I'm just kidding. Jesus Christ. He made it up. He made it up. I'm trying to come up with a way that it's better.

No, no, no. The cum I ate was totally cooked. It was an omelet. It was frosting. Yeah, I was watching Anthony Bourdain's show, and he was at a sushi restaurant where they were serving cum. They serve sperm sacks, and they're eating the sperm sacks and the sperm. They're eating, and they're like, oh, this is some good sperm. Well, you were talking about sterilized.

My wife worked on Jackass 2, where they did drink the, remember, there's the horse sperm, I believe, Chris Pontius, I think. But there's a scene where she's gluing pubes on a guy's face. I don't know if you saw that movie. Did you see it? No, no, I didn't see it. You didn't see Jackass 2? No.

It's the best one. Those movies give me anxiety. So she's gluing pubes on the guy's face as a fake beard, but he thinks it's real hair or whatever. But they asked, they said, did you sterilize this? And she's like, oh, yeah. Like, how are you going to sterilize pubes? Just conditioning.

Because, like, all the guys in the, you know, all the jackass guys had shaved their pubes. And then, I mean, there was a longer gag going on. But the guy didn't know that they gave him a pube beard. What would he expect? Look where he's at. That's my gal, you know. But his funny story was after that I was at a screening. what do you expect i love that look where he's at that's my gal you know just uh but but um this

funny story was uh after that i was at a screening and um and i know billy crystal over the years and and uh he comes up and goes oh i just saw that jackass too you know oh my god they're they're gluing pubes on a guy's face and i go oh yeah that's that's my wife that's that's that's that's that's the old girl he looks and he realizes holy shit it really is it's pretty uncomfortable for a beat there but you know what are you gonna do though i couldn't she's a costume designer but she did that you know because she'll she'll go along with a gag, right? But she gets calls still from people saying, hey, will you do makeup? And it's like, I only have one makeup look, gluing pubes on a guy's face. That's the one thing.

If you want Brian Wilson to have a pube beard, I'm your guy. That's hilarious. Somehow or another, she just got attached to that? I think you do it once, you know? Just give one puke beard. I couldn't watch Jackass after I watched the one clip of Johnny Knoxville putting a blindfold on and he lets a bull

launch at him. The bull just attacks him and he goes flying through the air and I'm like, what the fuck? You're a movie star, dude. What are you doing? There's so much more to those movies other than that. You'd love those movies. I can't that i can't watch it yeah but but you play clips that are way more sometimes offensive but are shocking than that what on the show you mean yeah on your show if we do it it's you know not for the whole show you know jackass is like an hour i know jackass like an hour and a half of guys getting

fucking hitting the nuts with shotgun blasts it's like i can't watch it all it's too crazy it's too you're too sensitive well i i might be i you know you would think that i would be i've seen so many people get fucked up in real life like doing mma commentary being that close to the cage you think i'd be like you know that that kind of stuff wouldn't bother me anymore but the stuff like where I know someone's going to get injured still gives me the heebie-jeebies. Crashes, ski crashes, anything where your leg twists backwards.

Is it because you've had these injuries? Is it that way? Yeah, I've had them. But it's not funny. Yeah, it's not funny. I see it. Once you pee blood once, it's just not as funny. Yeah, it's not funny. It see it. Once you pee blood once, it's just not as funny. Yeah, it's not funny.

It's like, yeah. Did you hear about this Japanese chef who says he's asexual? He's 22 years old. He auctioned his cock and balls off for a banquet that he was going to give. He gave a banquet, had his dick and balls surgically removed, and then served them to the patrons for like, I don't know, 150,000 yen or something. I don't really think it was that much money.

No, it wasn't that much money. It was like pretty cheap. Yeah. How crazy is that? I don't know why. I'm haggling here. I'm trying to figure. Well, you know what would be a shame is if he did all that trouble

and then they didn't taste so good. You know what I mean? I'm sure his balls. No one showed up. My balls are a little overdone. If Dick's tasted really good, people would be eating them all the time. There's a reason why you can buy them at the pet store and they serve them to dogs.

You know, if Dick was, like, better than filet mignon, you know, we would be eating Dick. We would be eating animal Dick. But the Japanese do. I mean, they're always. Do they eat animal Dick's? They always eat. Ballignon. We would be eating dick. We'd be eating animal dick. But the Japanese do. Do they eat animal dicks? I know they eat balls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Balls, they actually taste good, though.

Like Rocky Mountain oysters. So you've eaten those? No, I haven't. But I mean, people love them. Bad track. No, I haven't had them. But people say they love them, you know. Rocky Mountain oysters, apparently, to people who have had them, they taste delicious.

I just don't think I ever had one. I've never looked down at my junk and said, mmm, you know, with some parsley. Yeah. Maybe with some onions. Yeah, just imagine if that was the best part of the bowl. Kill a whole bowl just to get his balls. People would do it. Bulls were like the caviar, bull balls were the caviar of the animal kingdom.

Now, do you, yeah, how did we end up talking about eating balls? Probably we got on a Fear Factor subject. Oh, sorry. My bad. Cum. That's what it was. It is. The people had to drink cum.

That's what killed the second season. You mean the new season? The newest. The second version. Now, were you bummed out that it got killed? No, I was happy. You were like out that i got killed no i was happy you were like yeah i was happy yeah i dodged a bullet i could have been doing that show again for another six years because they they're doing a reboot of police academy are they really are

you gonna do it no no they they're not even gonna ask me but i i said that i go yeah they're gonna reboot it like um like how they did uh uh 21 jump street they're gonna to reboot it like how they did 21 Jump Street. They're going to make it a comedy. Sexy and cool. Yeah, they're going to make it a comedy this time. No, I think I annoyed the producers so much that they wouldn't actually have me back in Police Academy. Really? Why? Because I was kind of a dick when we made those movies.

I mean, it wasn't like I was an asshole, but I wasn't going, hey, this is really great what we're doing. Do you know what I mean I wasn't like it wasn't like I was an asshole but I was also I wasn't like going hey this is really great what we're doing do you know I mean like I write you know I had a sense of humor about it I didn't really think oh this is the you know the finest moments in cinema you know so because of that I was considered a pain in the ass that and sometimes I would say hey how about at the beginning of the movie we have these bad guys that at the end we could catch and the producer would get really mad like what are you trying to do

you know they get mad at me for trying to suggest a plot like I just thought maybe if alright did you try to change the tone of the movie yeah no make them grittier this time it's going to be realistic did you ever come to them and go listen man let's

do something to mix this up this is bullshit zed wouldn't say this that is from the streets man a friend of mine is a director and uh she's a very reasonable person and uh she uh was telling me some great stories about working with actors that would come to them and say i think my character should be in a bikini in this scene. For no reason. This is a mother. She's a mother of four, and she's going to answer the door in a bikini. She has a really young haircut.

I'm thinking shaved in the sides. Bitch, you're 50. What the fuck are you talking about? They want to completely rewag. All of a sudden, they're creative. They take a Xanax or whatever the fuck they're on. Yeah, no. I remember the guy who played Pe peppy the clown in shakes and he would just just before the scene

just before we say action we go i was like bobcat um i think my character would have a schnauzer oh yeah all right sure i'll go get To the fucking Schnauzer store? Oh, yeah. All right. Sure. I'll go get you a trained Schnauzer. Let's just do the scene the way it's written. Yeah.

There are certain actors that when they go on to a movie, you sort of assume that they're going to rewrite things, right? Right. And there's certain actors that have that kind of carte blanche. But you kind of, you know, you hope folks are on the same page. So when they're rewriting or changing stuff, it's in a similar tone, and it's about the story, and it's making it better, you know? Right, but when you have an actor doing that, doesn't that thing get weird? So far, I've only, I think, you know, everybody I work with are friends of mine,

and they're always people that are on the same page, you know? That's's the best if you can just work with a group of your friends on a regular basis yeah i mean i really do think that like people thought like oh you work with robin williams you know that he was going to be spinning out you know doing his improvs and stuff and it was more like you know he knew this guy and any ad libs or any changes were really valid you know uh they were his suggestions you know i think people confuse confuse Robin's stand-up with his acting. Yeah, and, you know, Robin's interesting. He takes acting really serious. Like, I think he actually thinks of himself as an actor first,

you know, because he went to Juilliard and stuff like that. He's one of the best actors in the world. Yeah, I agree. I think as an actor, I think he's amazing. I think he's better as an actor than he even is as a stand-up. I think he's just incredible. Well, I think... Photo booth movie, what was that movie called?

Yeah, One Hour Photo. One Hour Photo. He's incredible. Well, you should check out the movie he and I made. I would love to. It's, you know, it was funny because, like, before we started to work on it, I was like, is he going to listen to me, you know?

Am I going to say, let's do this one, just do it kind of mellow? Or is he going to say, you were in Hot to Trot, and I have an Oscar, so we're going to do it my way. But he never pulled any shit like that. We hope to keep making movies. We'll probably do another movie together. Do you feel free from Police Academy?

No. I mean, i know when i die the there'll be a photo of me in a police uniform you know i mean there's no way around it you know i i you know you know it's there's no way around it but you know if people remember me at all it'll be that way yeah did you ever have regrets um yeah always you know but but i don't i don't it just took me almost it's taken me almost you know 25 30 years to get where i am now and now i make these small little movies i do stand-up so you know to pay my rent and uh i'm really happy so all the things that i would file under regrets actually helped me get to where I am, you know. When you're doing stand-up, do you ever, are you doing it as you? Are you doing it as your character? No, it's me now, you know.

It's me, 100%? Yeah, and I think, like, if I did do the persona in some of the markets, it would be more helpful, you know, because a lot of the country, it still is the 80s. You know what I mean? Honestly, you know, if you say, if you go, hey. Like Kansas or something? Yeah, and they go, oh, the guy from Police Academy, and he's coming, but he's not going to do that voice.

Oh, really? Why do I want to go see that? He's going to tell funny stories, you know. But I think if, it's like poison's coming, and they're not doing every rose. Yeah. So but, you know, it was a decision I had to make just because I was back on the road and I was like, why do I hate the road? And I thought it was because I hated the wacky morning teams and the in the shyster club owners and the shitty opening acts.

Sorry, Brian. Oh, snap it. in the shitty opening acts. Sorry, Brian. Oh! Snap and he do. No. No. I just, I haven't even seen your stand-up. I just know that he's done. It was right there. It was just like, no, but I realized I just hated doing this persona

that I had no connection to anymore, you know, just because people were, you know, wanted to see it. Did you drop it and then go back to the same club that you were there a year before? There's certain clubs I think definitely because what happens eventually is I think it did affect my ticket sales. So there's certain rooms I don't

work anymore but I have to do so I can hit the pillow at night and feel okay. It's also the idea that you can only be funny as that character, silly. Well, I mean, but here's the thing that's funny. It's like back in the day on my early HBO specials, there was material. I was doing stuff about the Iran-Contra hearings and things like that in my act.

But because of my persona, people didn't understand that there was anything going on in my act you know so it never bothered me because I thought it was a great way I could sneak my message in but in hindsight you know sometimes sometimes I'll read something snarky when I'm ego surfing on the web and it'll be like the guy from police you can't be blue bla bla bla and I'm like going dude you watch those movies. That's the only reason you're mad. I didn't. You know what I mean?

So, whatever. I don't let too much of it bother me because I'm so much into my own thing. And the other thing that's funny is I'm not really nostalgic. I'm really always on to the next project. I'm always writing. After World's Greatest mean, I'm really always on to the next project. I'm always writing. After World's Greatest Dad, I wrote five screenplays, you know?

So, and God Bless America is just one of them. So I just keep writing all the time. Windy City Heat's one of my favorite movies. And there was some talk for a time to bring a second one around. And I know there's a lot of fans of, like, Perry and Don and all that. And they even have a pretty successful podcast. Did you enjoy making this movie? Did you ever think about making a second one?

Only if Perry was on board, I think. Obviously, you can't do it without him. But the idea of doing another one you know maybe i don't rule it out you know it is i do think it's it's uh it's it's probably the funniest thing i've ever been involved in yeah that's for sure it had to you had such a great uh cast or did you have anything any of the are these a lot of your friends like dan Dane Cook was in it. Did you just do stand-up with him? No. It's a combination of a bunch of different comedians and their friends and actors and stuff.

A Roman Polanski film? That was the dramatic trailer. The dramatic trailer. And if people don't know, can you explain the whole story behind Windy City Heat, or is that too much of a giveaway? I think it's a giveaway. I think people should just watch it. I know people watch it and they think it's

fake. That's fine. I don't argue it. Kimmel doesn't argue that either. People just have to explore it on their own. But I do know that I think it is clearly the funniest thing I've been involved in.

Really? Oh yeah. A lot of people don't know. This is Perry on the left. And that's Don Barris in the middle. Okay guys. Thanks a lot. Just call my agent if you make a decision.

Okay. Hey. You're Carson Daly, aren't you? Hi, I'm Don Pierce. Everyone's in on the jacket stuff. Wearing the fanny pack, wearing the jackets, wearing the hat. I'm looking at myself or somebody that wants to be me, and I'm saying, and I'm thinking at myself or somebody that wants to be me, and I'm thinking through my head,

this is somebody that needs his ass kicked bad, real bad. Perry. Perry Caravolo. Hi. So how'd it go? Do you think you got the role? I don't know. It went good.

They want to see one other guy, some scary fairy or something. Scary fairy? Is that what you're calling perry shh perry i'm stone perry oh okay stone fury anyway listen good luck to you and i will catch you later how are you okay did you ever worry at any point in time that you're dealing with a crazy person when you were doing this movie don bar Barris? Yeah. I worry about that every time I deal with Don Barris. I love Don Barris. I do too. I actually think Don is a great actor, actually. But besides being a funny guy,

yeah, yes, yeah, of course. I mean, it's really on the edge man i mean it was a really strange and uncomfortable and scary movie to make i mean it was really fucking weird do you feel bad at all no because perry gets what he wants and what's he what's he want more than anything is fame you know yeah right Yeah. Right, but he's crazy. No, he's not. No, he's not. I mean, you know, as opposed to other comedians.

Yeah. Stone Fury. Let me tell you a little about Stone. He's a hard-drinking, hard-talking, hard-living tough guy. And we've seen a lot of people for this role. We saw Gandolfini, Leota, and Wopat. We actually narrowed down the field to yourself. And one other actor who we just saw who was...

Just walked out of here. He was quite good. Carson? Boy, he's good. He's a joke. Kavish, he's a joke. Nobody can do this role but me. That's great. He's a joke Ish is a joke Nobody can do this role, but me

Wow, he's crazy amazing and Okay, I'm sorry a lot of a lot of directors they say action I just said and Thank you. So when you hear me say, and act, and you. Then go. Act. And act.

My name is Stone. Stone Fury. This is my town. Hey, did you hear the vibe from the beginning? Is he Stone Fury? Stay out of it. Let him out. Very seriously, go back there.

I'm so sorry about this. I know you're excited. Guys, we're just getting into this. Can you please just step out? No problem. Bob, can you get these guys evacuated from this building? They're gone. That's good. I like what you're doing.

Okay, this is not going to make any sense. Yeah, we're just watching TV right now. If people are not informed, this is not making any sense. I'm going to have to give away a little bit of a spoiler. Yeah, go right ahead. The guy, Perry, they have him convinced that he's a star. They make a movie around him. He's just a crazy guy.

And he's crazy enough to actually believe that he really is like a movie star he's the star of a movie and he's a city heat and so they you basically shoot a movie with him would winked a crazy guy everybody's except him yeah everybody's in on the joke that he's this movie star and Don Barris tries to ruin like I mean Don Barris is pretty much tortures him like he does. Well, it's brilliant. It's really brilliant. Once you realize that this guy does not know,

and then you realize what a crazy fuck he must be to let this go this deep without stepping back once and going, Hey, wait a minute. What the fuck's going on here? But would you? I mean, if there's giant trucks out front, and you have your parking spot, and you drive onto the lot. Well, he had to sign off on all this as well.

And the women love you. Yeah, he loves this movie. But, I mean, when you see the movie, it's really interesting because immediately, you know, he's making demands and bossing his intern around. It's so fascinating. It's an onion that never stops peeling away. Seriously, you know, because I showed it recently in Atlanta

and people had questions and they said, you know, is Perry real? And so I just called him on the phone. He's off and running, you know what does perry do to take care of himself these days uh you know he he he is a uh a sag extra he does show up in movies as a sag extra and for the longest time he worked in his family's print shop that i i heard recently went under so yeah i didn't know windy city heat it's uh it's like i said it's it's really a fascinating movie i mean i can't say it's not my baby because don and and and mole and and uh jimmy kimmel and all these folks have been doing this for about 11 years before i got involved and directed this

movie they've been doing this with the same guy for 11 years and they still do it today on the big three podcast that Don Barris does. So he still thinks he's a movie star? Oh, yeah. It's even gotten crazier now because if you're a local L.A. guy, they have people like Leeds Mattress. The guy goes, we won't be beat. He's now like a sponsor, and he's just a crazy person.

So you have this guy that you're used to, the Mattress guy, from the TV commercials here, now is somehow part of this show. And it's just amazing. It's insane. It's amazing. Because, like, if you, you know, like, here's Perry. And you go, well, Perry, here's Refrigerator Perry.

And it really is him. So, I mean, you know, all these things kind of made it easier. So when you say, and here's our still photographer, Ansel Adams. Hello, Mr. Adams. You know what I mean? So why wouldn't photographer, Ansel Adams. Hello, Mr. Adams. You know what I mean? So why wouldn't it be Ansel Adams if I just met the real Refrigerator Perry? Dude, I can't figure it out.

I used to have back aches when I was making the movie. I was like, this is insane, you know? I started thinking people were filming me when I was peeing. You start getting paranoid and really crazy. Do you have no sense of guilt whatsoever? Well, not now. I think not now. But I know that he's very happy with the outcome when all of a sudden.

He's happy that it gave him a lot of attention. Yeah. And still does, right? And he got paid very well when he did it and stuff so you know and and um but uh you know what what's i don't know you know i i i i'll be dealing with this for the rest of my life i love it i hope there's more i know barris never had a problem fucking playing clowning the guy oh he's still you know barris has his hand in like a million different pots now he does the ding dong show we had a podcast here the other day where we had a live ding dong show and it was the craziest thing i've ever seen in my life i was half what's a what's a live ding dong

show uh he it was uh don barris uh aiko tanaka mary jane and they brought uh uh two other ding dongers schizophrenic surfer who's a schizophrenic weed guy. He likes smoking weed. And then they have Tennessee, I think is his name, who's also from Tim and Eric. And they just pretty much had a show, and it was the craziest thing. If you watch it, it's like watching a train wreck

that you can't look away. It's amazing. But yeah, we'll be up on Death Squad soon. But Don does this shit he does you know like the ding dong show he has the big three he also has his band which is an air guitar band where he has this whole band where people are playing fake instruments that he does almost every single night at the comedy store this guy and he does opens up for kimmel every single day every single day he you know or or whenever Kimmel has a show.

He does the warm-up for the show. He does the warm-up. He is the most big. Don is a workaholic, and that guy is, you know, fucking working every single day. And he's really good at tricking crazy people. He's excellent at it. He's going to be here Friday for the Death Squad show Friday. So tickets are available now at Ice House.

Don Barris is a motherfucker. He's another one of those guys where i never quite understood why he never got you know more recognition yeah he's a funny dude well i mean but you know you're implying that showbiz is based on merit and talent and stuff well i just i always hope that someone finds the good ones well but i think that that a lot of it has to be tenacity and your ability to compromise. I think those are the things that really are rewarded in show business. Tenacity, for sure.

The ability to compromise. You mean do things you don't really enjoy doing to further your career? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that can help. That can help. That's the key ingredient Money is Money is the most important thing

Get some money Then you don't have to worry anymore But do you But do you Do you find money Does make you happy No No it does not

But it definitely Takes away the unhappy feeling Of being broke Right So it doesn't make you happy And the panic And then Yeah

And then You know My thing would be You know Do things for money and then blow it. Because I was – Self-destructive. Yeah. So now I'm much happier trying to kind of live a life that's way, way smaller. So I know – so my nut's not as big.

It's a good thing to not have to think about shit like that. More money, more problems. Yeah. Well, there is that to a certain extent too you know but i i remember very clearly when i was young when i first started making some money doing stand-up like like not having to worry about paying my bills anymore i remember that feeling yeah that was yeah you know it was really when i got a development deal from based on stand-up uh for uh some disney thing and they they gave me like a chunk of money.

And I remember, wow, there's some money in the bank right now. I don't have to worry about now I can stop thinking about my bills for a while. Like it was a huge like weight lift. What was the first thing you bought like without, like, you know what I mean? Like going, like, you know, like Jethro Bodine. Like what was the first thing you just pointed at and said? I think a massage chair, one of those massage chairs. Really?

Yeah. Those are awesome. Like a Barka lounger that had a bunch of... Yeah, yeah, yeah. You lie in it, it's like, yeah, exactly.

And did it work? Yeah, yeah, really good. Sharper image. I remember that. Oh, I remember that thing. You remember that thing? You threw it away? No, no, I still have it, actually.

That was like the first thing you went... One of the first things I got when I got some money. When I first came out to California and I was on a sitcom, that was the first thing I got. A fucking massage chair. i first came out to california and i was on a sitcom that was the first thing i got a fucking massage chair well i remember sitting in one of them at a mall and going this is the most amazing invention of all time this is how the rich people live rollers and tappers it goes like this down your back it's really pretty awesome someday i'm gonna be I'm going to get one of these.

The new ones are even better. The new ones, your arms go into like cases and it massages your arms and your legs. It massages your legs. Yeah, it's really crazy. Oh, yeah, yeah.

It encases your leg and grabs it. You just have to hope it doesn't go haywire and fucking terminate around you. Earthquake happens, you want to get the fuck out of there and the power gets you.

You're trapped. You just sit there with the flashlight. It clamps you in. And you can't move. We've actually got completely full circle. While you're screaming for help, you think, I have to throw this flashlight as far away from me as possible so it seems like we're not connected. This is how I'm going to go out. Just throw it down the hallway.

I think that's the way to go out, though. I know people are always talking about being afraid to be found that way. I say, you know, whatever. You're dead. It's over. It's an opportunity for people to make fun. Yeah, put a rubber fist in my ass ASAP. So you're even in favor of faking it?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's beautiful. You're a team player. Yeah, always, again, I know the distance for the laugh. You know what I mean? You gotta do what you gotta do. You know, I would only hope

someone with a sense of humor would find me. Well, you know there was that video of the guy who got fucked to death by a horse. Have you seen that video? I haven't watched it, but I know the movie Zoo.

Yes, exactly. I heard you talking about it. I was at Sundance when that movie was there, yeah. When that guy died. The year after. that guy dying that way and that video being on the internet that guy gave like a huge amount of people a big burst of positive energy not a yeah because i don't watch it i don't see positive i laugh man there's fucking funny. There's a guy and there's a guy helping the horse dick in his ass. And it's ridiculous. It's one of the most ridiculous things.

Talk about friends. Yeah. How do you make that call? You go, hey, I want to fuck a horse, but I'm going to need a little help. And he says, how can I help you? Well, you're going to have to put the horse dick in my ass. All right. What time?

Well, they had done it many, many times. Three's not good. I have a mani pedi they did it all yeah i um they actually moved to seattle just to do that i think it's weird that you can't watch jackass but you can watch that that's well it's a quick clip it's really quick so it's it's about the time. Yeah, it's about, I mean, I'm sitting down watching Jackass. I'm committing to an hour and a half of, you know, soccer kicks to the balls and horses running over people. Yeah. I get anxiety. But a quick clip of a guy getting raped to death by a stallion.

Fuck the dad. Yeah, I can watch that. Sure. The math does not add up. Fuck the dad. First of all, if there's a guy who's out there willing to do that, you need to know. I just think you need to know to put it in your computer bank of human behavior.

This is the full spectrum. You should know the full spectrum. You shouldn't be shocked by the possibility. But that's not even the full spectrum. That's only the spectrum when they had a camera handy. True. You know, I mean. Well, they had 100 hours of footage.

This is what happened. The guy bled out they drive him to the to the um hospital the police said your friend's dead what the fuck what's with all the hay and blood around his asshole and then they confessed and so they had to explain what happened and on a technicality it wasn't really illegal because they were living in washington state and until this movie zoo came out when the movie Zoo came out, they changed the law. Right. That was what the actual thing.

I mean, they had to have a fucking movie written about the fact that people were moving to their state specifically so they could get fucked by animals. So his death was what? A romantic spat? It was a blip of laughter, a happiness, a smile. It was a blip of laughter, a happiness, a smile. The feeling of if your life is fucked up and you're in credit card debt and you don't know what the fuck you want to do with yourself and somebody sends you a clip of a guy getting fucked to death by a horse, you can put it all in perspective.

How long do you go before that's what floats your boat? It's not floating anybody's boat. What it is is, oh, ask him. No, not the person watching you. I'm talking about the guy who's doing it. Like, how do you get to that point? Well, here's the other thing. He also has piercings all over his balls.

And this is why they're related. They think that people who get a lot of, like, genital piercings and things along those lines may be suffering not just from trauma, childhood trauma, which most likely there is some of that, too, and sexual trauma, which most likely there is some of that too, and sexual trauma usually, but also that they might have a disorder that makes it very difficult for them to feel pain like a normal person. So they try to get pain. So they do things like pierce themselves in very sensitive areas

and things along those lines. And that might also be connected to the idea of letting a horse fuck you. It's like, you know what I mean? Like they need like an extreme sensation. They have a need for extreme sensation. And that makes sense too to me. If you just think about the variations in behavior and people that you've met. Well, I could see it being completely haywire and being like that.

You know, that made ball piercings, needs a horse, dick in his ass. It's just the spectrum. And the guy was like an architect man he's like a professional dude they probably have a lot of qualities that are all just together yeah like like or like when they get married you know the guy takes on the woman's last name or something like that those same same kind of group of people um i guess so that is some weak shit when the guy takes on the woman's i know that is some weeks and i you you that's a battle you're already losing yeah i saw uh some some what reality show was it where that some guy did that recently i can't remember well i knew a dude who uh the the hyphen hyphen names are even worse. If you combine.

You combine both of your last names into one last name? Well, that's our mayor. You know our mayor in California? What the fuck is his name? Aguilaro? I don't know. What the fuck is his name? It doesn't even matter, does it?

That's ridiculous. But it does matter because what his name is, his name was like, okay, now I have to pull it up. His name was not a Latino name. And he combined his name with his wife's name. It became a Latino name. They got divorced. He kept that. It's ridiculous.

See, that's the kind of person that gets fucked in the ass by a horse. Did you ever, I uh steve martin you said that was one of your influences uh for stand-up i guess uh so so was mine uh did you ever get to meet steve martin did you have any cool steve martin story well i mean i i get you know now if i see him we we will be friendly but the first time i met him, I was doing Letterman, and he said, he goes, Hi, Howie. And he thought I was Howie Mandel. Oh, no.

Yeah, and Howie's a nice guy and everything, but I felt like a Ming Vaz that got hit with a ball-peen hammer. I was like, oh, I'm not Howie Mandel. All right. That's hilarious. Nice to meet you, Mork. No, I didn't say that back. So you just played the role as Hallie.

I did, actually. I put a rubber glove on my head. The mayor of Los Angeles, his name is Tony Villar. That's his real name. He calls himself Antonio Villarregosa. Yes. He completely Latinoed the fuck out of his name. He combined his name with his wife's name.

And then when they got divorced, he just kept riding the Latino bull. That's ridiculous. That's cute. That shouldn't be legal. That seems like a hoax. What? You shouldn't be able to just change your name. Oh, you mean for voters?

Yeah, it just seems unethical. I know a couple girls that want to change their names. Especially if it's your fucking former wife's name, man. That's ridiculous. Well, I think it's weird when you get a divorce and then the person still keeps the name. Yeah, that's weird too. Not unless you have kids, so it's less confusing. Well, they can do it forever too they can keep that shit forever like once they change their name they just think it

just they could just rock it forever yeah oh it should expire should totally expire it doesn't make any sense how could you be married for a year and that woman becomes how many years you were living with that person is how long they could have your name oh yeah yeah how's that that's a good one yeah because you can't even then that's ridiculous it should be half the time get over it it should be yeah i think uh you know well for me alimony is crazy because i'll be paying it until my ex-wife passes away or gets remarried yeah what yeah how does that work? Well, look at me, Joe.

How are you responsible for a human for the rest? Look at me. I'm looking at you. She ought to fuck this. No. I don't know. I mean, I think it's a... But that sounds bizarre that people can never get their life together without you.

Yeah. That's it? You tainted her? You ruined her? She can't make a living. There's no way. It's impossible. How are you going to hold up to Bob's Gratitude Fire after this?

Yeah. But it seems like, you know, like, why should you be responsible for her for the rest of your life if you're not together anymore? Another adult. Yeah. It's so weird. It's a childish law. Yeah.

It's terrible. It's foolish. It's foolish. You know, but when you get married, you know, that's, you know, you don't expect that you're going to get divorced. So, you expect that you're going to get divorced. So you're not thinking about that. I mean, I guess if you did, you were kind of – I guess that would be healthier. But it's also kind of a pessimistic way to enter a relationship.

The law is just so preposterous. It's just so ridiculous that you should have to pay for her forever. Like why? Why? Why? Did you take from her her ability to make a living? Did you take from her her ability to make a living? Did you take from her her ability to take care of herself? Of course you didn't.

No, but I think it stems from a very old-timey kind of thing. Like, you know, when the woman stayed at home and, you know, weren't allowed to be professional and get a job and stuff like that. Yeah. You know, but it's weird how many shit laws like that are in place it's like whenever there's a situation where someone can get fucked it you know and and you do see it like in the case of divorces and in in like something

like your case where you have to pay someone for that many years it is very very frustrating it's very frustrating to watch it's very frustrating to see something that's not logical. Well, it's not logical, but it's like the old street joke. Why is divorce expensive? Because it's worth it. Doesn't fuck with your head that you have to send alimony? It's worth it? Sometimes.

Sometimes when I book the gathering of the juggalos. Oh, did you do that? Sure, yeah. That's awesome. It's part of the alimony tour. You had a bunch of training, I bet. What was that like? I don't know.

It's coming up. Oh, Jesus. And you have your spinning training. You could probably dodge still. Yeah, I'll go back to the serpentine. Serpentine. Holy shit, dude. That's a sweet gig.

Yeah. Wow. And you think about that when you get those gigs. Yeah, when you get a call like that and you don't... Actually, when I got the call for the Gathering of the Juggalos, I didn't think of it as a money gig. I was like, yeah, alright.

I'm there. Whatever, man. This is going to be awesome. That's going to be craziness. Why are you smiling at me again? Nothing. It's hilarious. I like taking gigs that other people wouldn't. I do enjoy that for some reason. I don't know why. Did you take time off of doing stand-up?

Yeah, I did for years when I was directing the Kimmel show. How much time did you take off? Then it was probably about three years, maybe like about five altogether. What drew you back in? It was going back, making a living doing it was what drew you back in it was it was you know going back making a living doing it was was what what drew me back in yeah i mean you know i i don't like putting that out there it's like hey and now coming to stage a guy who's only here to make money it's bobcat gold wait phoning it in did you feel like you were phoning in or when you did it you actually just went out

no no when i got back i tried to do comedy yeah i mean i have a blue collar uh background so my whole thing is actually trying to go out and do a show for people you know i mean it sounds corny and stuff but if if you're there to see me i try to work really hard now if i end up being on a bill with other comics then I don't mind screwing around. Do you know what I mean? Like at a comic relief when I would dress up as Christ and do magic tricks, you know? Right. Water to wine, wine to water, tap the deck and back to rice again, you know?

And I was the amazing Christo and stuff. But I mean, that's an example of me just having fun. But if you come out to see my show, I am going to work really hard. I mean, you know, you don't want to disappoint people that actually paid to see you. Yeah, I feel the exact same way. And I know what you're saying about it sounds kind of corny, but it's admirable. You know, I mean, that's the relationship. That's how it's supposed to be. They're paying and you want to do the best fucking possible job you can to just the fact that you're asking people to pay to hear you talk

sounds ridiculous yeah you gotta work really hard you gotta work really hard you work really hard but you know uh my friend john evans and i always say this it's kind of true unfortunately in comedy you're you're trying to keep the dumbest person in the room occupied you know i'm saying and that's why i like when you know i do like making these small indie movies because you know the dumbest person goes to battleship you know i mean do you think that in this day and age that that has to be the case though no i think now that's why that's what's exciting about podcasts that's what's exciting about you know people are talking to their audience i think it's it's great like Some people go think that alternative comics or comics that just

perform for their podcast crowds, that's copping out. It's harder just to be a bar comic. It's like, well, what's the big deal being a bar comic? Making every crowd... I never heard that argument. That's a hilarious argument. If you can perform for every crowd and kill, I guarantee you your act is about absolutely nothing. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. I guarantee you there's some puppets involved or something.

There's nothing wrong with finding a crowd. And the idea that, you know, you find your own crowd, that's going to soften you up. No way. It's preposterous. No, because that's like if anybody interesting you ever watched when they found their own crowd, that's when to soften you up. No way. It's preposterous. No, because that's like if anybody interesting you ever watched when they found their own crowd, that's when they took off, like Pry or Bill Hicks even, people who had something to say. Yeah, once you have people that are expecting you to be you,

then you're fine. You don't have to. Everybody's got their own sense of humor, man, and to just have a show that says comedy is like just having a show that says music. Yeah. Not knowing if it's going to be Barry Manilow or Guns N' Roses or what the fuck it's going to be. Yeah, exactly. It's just weird that comedy is so generic in its term.

Well, it's supposed to be, yeah. But in its actual application, though, it's very, very different. And it's very personal. Yeah. The idea that, like, well, I didn't like your act. And it's like, well, you know, I don't want to be rude, but I probably wasn't trying to entertain you. That Holtzman guy that I was telling you is one of the funniest guys ever that people don't know of. I brought some friends to the comedy store, and they said, you were so funny, LOL.

But I have to tell you that one guy oh my god he needs to give it up he is just not funny it's so mean exclamation point see you at work see you on the set like oh okay everybody's different man that twilight lady sells a lot of fucking books man yeah that's true people like it you know but to you or i it's shit would we want to read it no would we be angry if you wanted to talk about it probably but it doesn't mean it shouldn't exist well that's the thing it's like in the new movie you know and god bless america um people will go well this character

should just turn off the tv and it's like well if you try to avoid this stuff you can't the movie would suck well yeah he turns the tv off and he doesn't kill anyone he says uh i'm gonna go read a book what kind of fucking movie you want kid well that's the other thing people are going how could i do the q a and people going they don't get caught man they get caught it's like it's a movie man you know you know i wasn't gonna have a scene where i kept cutting back to harvey kytel in front of a map going i gotta get inside their brain i gotta figure out where they're gonna hit next that would be funny if you did do that though yeah yeah just a random that's the end of the movie to be continued dot dot dot harvey

kaitel looking down at a map one day in the desert they seem to be killing reality stars someone quick get over to the kardashians house asap i figured it out that's the pattern what what is it like to you to have grown up in an era with no internet to grown up in an era with uh you know doing stand-up as a teenager with all these like real comics to seeing shit like reality stars to seeing shit like the kardashians and jersey shore right housewives of this and that what is that is it freak you out at all does it worry you about the course of our culture well i think yeah i mean you know it is what why do what's the point of these shows what's why are we fascinated what why why is it you know it's the coliseum you know that's what we're doing

now we're taking our week and and our dumb, and we're making entertainment out of them. Like Perry? Who said that? I said that. Well, I mean, you know, maybe you are what you hate. I mean, maybe that's why I made the new movie, you know. Kimmel said that, actually. He said that Frank would shoot the people who made Windy City.

That's hilarious. I think, you know, I don't get as angry about them, their success and stuff. I'm more angry at our appetite for the distraction. Do you have an appetite for it? I used to, and I actually just liked the character. About four or five years ago, I said, I'm out. I'm not watching anymore of this stuff. What were you watching?

I would watch the freak show part of American Idol. And then I started feeling really guilty. And I was like, I'm out, man. I'm out. I'm out. Yeah, that was what was good about it. What was good about it was that it was terrible. And then I said, I can't do this.

I go, the little ting it takes out of my soul, it what was good about it was that it was terrible and then i said i can't do this i go i i the the the you know the little ting it takes out of my soul i'm out can you watch people bomb yeah i have no problem watching doesn't bother you at all oh it feels right like watching people watching people eat shit is probably one of the few things that entertains me in a comedy club really yeah yeah yeah wow yeah i have no compassion for them you know i think it's great i love to watch someone eat shit why is that because because it because here's the thing it's like here's something at one point that i took really serious and you're trying to think that it's just easy or you're just thinking that, how about they're just bombing?

They don't have to be thinking that they're... Again, again, like a talented comedian bombing is hilarious. You know what I mean? Like, you know, I don't think... Is it really? Oh, my God. Kevin Meaney bombing is the funniest fucking thing on the planet. Okay.

You know? I can see that. He's very animated, very funny guy. It's the best. Kevin Meaney bombing. I don't care. My jokes don't go over. That's the..., very funny guy. It's the best. Kevin Meaney bombing. I don't care. My jokes don't go over. That's the thing.

Yeah, but that's just Kevin Meaney. That's not even real bombing. He's singing. He's having a joyous time. Real bombing is not knowing what's coming out next, so what's next, and you're just eating it up there, and you can't remember your material, and your fucking mouth is dry. Bricks of shit are tumbling out of your mouth. You're trying to pass them off as gold to the crowd.

It sounded like an Eminem song there. Over-hyping every fucking premise because this is the one that's going to turn this set around. I'm telling you, if you threw some beats to that, Jag, you just went on. That's an Eminem song. I feel it. I feel it, yo. I'm from the street. I'm from the streets, man. I'm from the street. I'm from the streets, man.

I'm from. Isn't everybody from a fucking street? Yeah, man. Who's from the prairie? I'm from the cul-de-sac, motherfucker. I'm from such a New York, bitch. You were around when you saw America pre- and post-crack, too. That's something people in their late 40s have seen something that most people in this country didn't know existed.

There was a pre- and post-crack period. Right. And a lot of people aren't aware of that. Like crime and cities and things accelerated dramatically. Yeah. And that was about the same time that we dumped our mentally ill people out on the streets. Those are Reagan-ers. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you remember when Reagan was like the enemy? Do you remember when everybody hated Reagan? Now Obama's quoting him and stuff. It's so weird. But Reagan, you know, I remember when they dumped the mentally ill and homeless folks on the street. It was like a switch.

It wasn't like, it was almost like instantaneously. Homeless people everywhere. Yeah. It was totally different. And how, you know, so that's like, you know, when people say, you know, the way we treat the mentally ill in our country, you know, is we just choose to ignore them. Or we put them in movies.

You're not going to let it go are you because i've had people say because the new movie you know what if somebody saw it and then went out and killed people and you know i have two responses to that one is if you could make people killers by making movies the military would make more films and the other is if we're gonna start banning violent works of fiction we need to start with the Bible those are my two I've said my very good very good one yeah it's ridiculous the idea that you can't have violent fictions it's fun violent fictions great and it's actually been proven to instead of uh give people the need to go and commit crime it actually satiates that crime just like like porn does

for people porn like people that have access to porn are less likely to rape there's like statistics that show this but the the thing is supposedly is is if you with the killers it's what when people do do a Columbine and stuff, it's easier to blame Marilyn Manson than to look. Those kids weren't even Marilyn Manson fans, first of all. It's just like some witch hunt. And the thing is, whenever someone does snap, there's always like Gabby Giffords. When someone snaps, that kid gave off a ton of signs.

It didn't happen one day. The teachers didn't want to show up when he was in his class and they have security so we have like a whole ostrich you know we stick our head in the sand when someone's crazy and just hope that they don't snap instead of if you're on the left you want them to get help if you're right let's say you want them incarcerated but the way we treat people who are dangerous now with absolutely having no policies at all is way more dangerous than my goddamn movie. So get off my dick. Yeah, I hear you.

And those Columbine kids, weren't they on antidepressants? Weren't they on something? I don't know. I mean, I don't know. I'm pretty sure they were. I believe they were on something. Columbine. Antidepressants.

It's probably the hottest kind of drug right now, Columbine antidepressants. Imagine living in that town, and that town is forever attached to a fucking, it's the Columbine. You can say, don't go all Columbine on me. Right, right, right, right. That's that school. That's crazy. I mean, that's that neighborhood. Forever attached to a to to uh yeah they run antidepressants yeah well they say that like uh a lot there's certain amounts of antidepressants that aren't good for teens

obviously that might be a case i think there's a lot of people i mean the antidepressant thing is a very it's it's not an exact sort of a methodology right they give them to you and they go we'll try this tell us how you feel and you can say i feel great he's like good we're gonna keep you at this dose you can say um i'm just not feeling enough okay we're gonna crank up your dose like they it's all based on you saying you know how you how are you doing with this medication this one sucks we're gonna try something new i've had friends that have gone through the three or four different medications that tells me that there's a lot of yeah it's not exact yeah or or friends who suddenly the personality's gone yeah which is weird too that's spooky that's like yeah i've seen people like everything becomes okay okay okay you know they just they stop

caring they just doesn't whatever they're on, whatever, which one it is, just shuts it all off. It's okay. Right now, my cat, Peeps LaRue, is on some heavy shit.

Your cat is on some heavy shit. Hopefully, she'll be off of it soon, but yeah, she's a little zonked out. What is she on? I don't know. Whatever we're giving her,

every once in a while, we'll find them in the corner. She spits them out. She's like, Anjali, Jolie,olie and Girl Interrupted. I'm like, Peeps LaRue is spitting out her antidepressants. Well, you know, cat tranquilizers are actually a famous drug called ketamine. Yeah, ketamine.

But I don't think she's on ketamine because one of them, my wife had a syringe in her mouth, and she got some under her gum. Oh, no. She goes, I hope it wasn't cat. Jesus Christ. I might be going in a K-hole tonight. So you had to inject this fucking cat? Well, inject it in a pill, too.

Wow. Inject your cat. Good fucking luck. Well, I inject the widow Madeline perman gets her insulin twice a day you have a cat that needs insulin yeah yeah whoa dude she's 15 years old holy shit man i have a lot of cats do you want do you want how many cats do you have i have four cats dang a lot of cats joey diaz has 11 oh really that's a lot of cats oh i should talk to diaz about it then that's good joey diaz lives in a two-bedroom apartment with 11 cats.

It smells delicious. It smells. It's beautiful. He says he cleans the litter box every day. You got it. But I'm like, that's not enough. I got four cats. I got four boxes.

No waiting. Yeah. Yeah. So. I have two cats, two boxes. What are your cats' names? Oliver and Spaz. Spaz?

Yeah. And why is Spaz? Was that just. She was just, when she was a kitten she was a she would just run out of the room like something was chasing her out of nowhere clashing and things and she was always knocking things over she's 15 years old and she's still actually a kitten that's uh i uh i i probably am not so crazy about mankind but i i've got a lot of love for little animals every time i bring a cat cat home, my wife's like, she goes, stop it.

She says, you're the Schindler of cats. Do you find cats that are jacked? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Squeaky Fromm. I had a dog named Squeaky Fromm. Did you? Yeah. Redhead?

No. She was brown. But you named her Squeaky Fromm? Yeah. That doesn't even make sense. Squeaky Fromm had red hair. Well, when I met her uh her uh voice was gone because she was in the pound and when she was barking she lost her voice so she was like

so i call this squeaky my squeaky from is because uh she'll kill for me no she'll kill for me i can tell her to kill no she uh is squeaky from because she's a dodgy redhead that i found on the streets of hollywood uh i forgot that i didn't even know that squeaky from was a dodgy redhead that I found on the streets of Hollywood. I forgot. I didn't even know that Squeaky Fromm was a redhead. That was a wee bit before my time. But she didn't... Did she actually attempt to kill Ford? Yeah, she tried to kill Ford.

She wasn't on any of the creepy crawlies. She wasn't on any of the Manson kills. She was just... She lived at the Spahn Ranch. I love the fact that I know all this about her and I didn't know who the fuckingon kills. She was just, she lived at the Spahn Ranch. And then, I love the fact that I know all this about her and I didn't know who the fucking mayor was.

Villarregosa. Antonio Villarregosa. But, yeah, so, so Squeaky Fromm, Peeps LaRue, the,

oh, the detective Carla Whiskerson. That's the, the latest cat.omm, Peeps LaRue, oh, and Detective Carla Whiskerson. That's the latest cat. And they blamed all that stuff on acid. Yeah, that's what they blamed on. You know, they blamed this most recent Miami attack. Did you see this guy who bit the guy's face off? Yeah, the cannibals.

I didn't see the photos. Don't pull them up, though. Don't show them on the news stream. How dare you? But the police are saying that the guy was on some new crazy potent form of lsd that's what they're saying but it's not lsd at all it's this stuff called bath salts do you know what bath salts are that's what he was on yeah he's on bath salts it's like it's like a crystal meth that you can sell legally because they they modify

one of the molecules so do you know like, like, for a long time, like... Are you saying bath salts? Bath salts. That's what they call it. Okay. They call it bath salts, and they can sell it in head shops and in different places.

But essentially, it's like a form of meth. It's really... And it's legal. See, if you have just one molecule, something's different from an illegal drug, you can make, like, cousins that have, like, very similar side effects, of similar effects and that's what they've done so they've it's essentially like a super potent form of meth and this guy took it

and ate a guy's face but did does it make you does it make you hallucinate I mean I don't know what the fuck it does to you obviously the guy was a roast I think he just went fucking crazy. I just think he went completely crazy. There was another guy I think that was on meth that cut some guy's heart out recently. I think some people, you get the right mind with the right substance, and they just completely lose their shit. But this guy who was eating the face, he kept eating the face.

That's why it's newsworthy. I mean, he was eating the face, he kept eating the face. That's why it's newsworthy. He ate the guy's whole face. People bite all the time in fighting, but the fact that he was swallowing and then went back for more. He ate the guy's face. He held him down. He ate his nose. The guy was screaming and writhing. So the guy was

not unconscious. The guy was conscious the whole time. He ate his face. He was conscious while the guy ate his face. That sounds sort of lamb shit. The guy, I mean, he ate his whole face for people who don't know. The entire front of his face is missing. His nose is missing. His eyebrows are missing.

It took a while. The guy ate him for a while. It's really incredible. Was this guy part chimp? No, just a regular dude. Well, we're all part chimp, Bob. Apparently. Unless you believe in the Bible. We're all part chimp, apparently, if you give me red wine.

And bath salts. And some bath salts. I might bite your face off. Yeah, I wonder if this guy has a squeaky clean record. Who, the guy who bit the face off? Yeah, here's his face. No, dude. Oh, good.

Fucker. For the folks at home, that's a picture of lasagna. You didn't want to see that face, and I didn't either. I've seen it already. Oh, you saw it already. Because sometimes I listen to the show, I'm surprised at the stuff that you will watch and look at. Like what?

Things that are violent. You'll say, hey, check this out. There's a guy who gets his arm ripped off or whatever, you know? Yeah. Um, uh, I will look at them like tigers in the zoo.

Yeah. Someone reaches in and take a picture and pull this whole fucking arm off. Yeah. I saw that video. I like those videos. And then you play yakety sacks under them. What's yakety sacks? The Benny Hill thing.

Makes anything funny. Getting your arm ripped off at the zoo. You fucking silly bitch. Again, the guy who... Now, did the guy reach in or did the lion just grab him? Well, there's a few of them out there. There's a few videos. But I mean... So in individual

circumstances, I think a lot of them are the guys who are reaching in, trying to take pictures. Oh, okay. One of them, a guy got too close. He sat with his back to the lions so that they could take a photo of him. The lions reached through and grabbed him. As they pulled him close, they bit him and they got his arm through and they just ripped his arm off

his body. Wow. Whoopsies. Is that on YouTube? A couple of them. Some of them are on Live Leak. They're on different websites. They'll find them on YouTube and they'll remove them because they're so gory. Yeah, see, there's so many things that are so gory that I don't want in my head. You know what I mean? And I know that when the Alzheimer's kicks in, that will be the only thing that will be in a loop in my head.

Like a screensaver. My screensaver will be a guy getting his nuts chewed off by a tiger. That's so funny. You know, I do know that when I'm senile, two girls and one cup is going to be the only thing I can remember. And they'll be like, let's not go see Grandpa. He just talks about girls pooping and drinking it. I think it's amazing that things like two girls, one cup can be that viral.

That something can literally hit millions and millions and millions of eyes. I think actually something like that is what will cause the world peace or as you say the hundredth monkey you know it will be two girls in one cup that'll be the universal thing yeah because it transcends nationalities and that's where it starts that's where the revolution starts yeah man i realize we're all the same. A hundred million people have seen this. Because we're laughing at the same thing, man. Not laughing, but we all have the same reaction. That may stop wars.

That may turn everything around, man. Well, not everybody has the same reaction. Some people are probably beating off to that. Right? Again. I mean, there's a reason why that shit porn is out there. Right. Do they beat off to that?

Oh, yeah. I bet people are beating off to that face pic of that guy, the zombie guy. Maybe. Maybe they are. It's probably two people at least. Sure. If you could think it, someone's doing it. That Japanese guy cut his dick off and served it.

You would say no way. Just when we were kids, you would say no way. In the 1980s You would say no No one's doing that No one's cutting the dick off And serving it That's an urban myth

But they have photos What kind of wine Do you serve with that? I would say a white wine A white wine? Yeah You don't want a lusty red wine When you have no dick

Now if it was Two buck fuck Now if it was a woman's genitals It's definitely a fish Oh Yeah right So that would be a white wine How dare you Well it's an eel How dare you, right. So that would be a white wine. How dare you.

Well, it's an eel. It's an eel. You would have white wine with eel. How's your cock? It's good. No, I really don't know. You didn't eat all of it. I know. Here's the thing. My eyes are bigger than my stomach. When I came in here... Imagine if you had to throw some of his cock in the garbage because he didn't finish it.

No one finished it. Or reheating the cock in the microwave the next day? Don't take it so hard. And since when is cannibalism legal? How are you allowed to serve people human food? I don't know. Food humans. If you serve yourself, I guess, maybe it doesn't matter.

Is that the loophole for cannibalism? I guess. I guess if you eat yourself. I mean, what's the difference between that and when you chew the skin on your fingers? Yeah. When I eat my hair. Yeah, but that's if you eat yourself. I mean, what's the difference between that and when you chew the skin on your fingers? Yeah. When I eat my hair. Yeah, but that's if you eat yourself. What kind of fucking doctor removed that guy's cock?

Where in the Hippocratic Oath? It was the same doctor that did Kanye West's mother's lipo, I'm guessing. Oh, no, he didn't. Oh, come on. Oh, no, he didn't. Oh, no, he didn't oh no he didn't damn kanye's gonna get oh no he didn't well i mean what kind of doctor are you said they're not like one out of a dick they're not

someone at a top-notch hospital is what i'm saying that's not a doctor i mean a doctor's supposed to that's like against the unless in japan it's different maybe this doctor felt that this this guy probably had some sort of mental disorder that felt that his penis was holding him back so this guy was helping him by removing his penis well he said he said he was asexual you know that he does not not that he's not male or not female but both but what he meant was that he has no male or not female, but both. But what he meant was that he has no desire for sex. Nothing. Yeah, that he had no need for his junk.

That's probably like abuse, right? Wouldn't you assume? I'm guessing this guy was in his 50s. No, 22. 22 and you're over your junk? 22. Wow. Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. What kind of chef are you at 22? He apparently didn't go to one of the finer culinary schools. You save your dick for later when you're really good. Yeah, when you know what you're doing. Oh, I should have T-boned it. I should have butterflied it. Now, the way the sauce that I use now with cock and balls.

Oh, my goodness. Cock and balls. Everybody, all they said was they could taste the butter. That's all they tasted. There is no fennel use now with cock and balls. Oh, my goodness. Cock and balls. Everybody, all they said was they could taste the butter. That's all they tasted. There is no fennel. Get some cock and balls. Removes cock. Fish sticks in his mouth.

This poor fucking guy, man. I mean, just think of what a ridiculous idea that is. And how years later. Well, that's the thing. Think about what you did in your youth and then you you know i mean i mean now i don't feel bad about being in police academy two and three and four at least i didn't cut my cock off and serve it yeah this guy he had this oh my god there's photos of it all right oh my god dude okay heart chaos go to heart chaos i'm not going

to see that i don't care well it's it's it's like Go to heart chaos. I'm not going to see that. I don't care. It's like dressed up as food. I don't want to see it. All right, just Google it. You need to look at it. Exactly. I don't want to see it if I get Alzheimer's.

Was it boiled or was it cooked? It looks like, I don't want to tell you, man. He's slicing it up. Oh, okay. It's hardcore, man. So it's like sashimi. No, it's cooked. Cooked dick and balls. This is horrific, man. He's slicing it up. It's hardcore, man. So it's like sashimi. No, it's cooked. Cooked dick and balls. This is horrific, man.

This guy cut his fucking dick and balls off and made people eat it. And who's eating it? A bunch of people. They have to pay a lot of money per table. And now they're all on the same frat. This is scary shit, man. It's pledge week, oh i just you know i would love to

just just talk to the guy are you sure man let's let's think this over even if you you know you don't want to have sex anymore you don't have to remove your dick yeah like you can just not have sex that's an angry breakup yeah that's a really angry breakup yeah his dick did something he's like saying

you know fuck you I'm gonna eat my dick now wow there's no law against cannibalism in Japan as long as you acquire the I'm guessing

so you could like if someone donated their body when they died you could eat it As long as you acquire that, I'm guessing. So you could, like, if someone donated their body when they died, you could eat it? I guess you could. Yeah. Jesus. So still frightening. This is something crazy. Days after his 22nd birthday, the artist underwent elective general removal surgery, divided up the severed penis, shaft, testicles, and scrotal skin

between five people and garnished it with button mushrooms and Italian parsley. That's what I wanted to know. That guy literally made people eat his dick. Button mushrooms. Bold. I would have went with like an asparagus. Wow. This is the spectrum, man.

This fits right in the spectrum. No, but I mean that's the bottom or top of the spectrum, whichever way you want to go. You really think so? I think the bottom is people eating other people's dicks. But do you think things have gotten any weirder? I don't. I think we just now know about it.

I think the exposure to different things has certainly jaded people, and it's certainly reflected in porn. And porn is where people are naked and, you know, seeking pleasure, right? Well, when you look at porn, you can see a clear change between the way people were before the internet and the way people are after the internet.

First of all, the porn industry vanished. There's no industry anymore. It's all, like, free stuff. It's all, everything's online. It's free. Like, very few people are paying for it, much less. And second of industry anymore it's all like free stuff it's all everything's online it's free like very few people are paying for it much less and second of all it's fucking violent man a lot of it is like choking and slapping and gagging and and opening up your eyelids and shooting loads into your eyes and shooting loads of the glasses and making you drink them i tell you i'm watching i'm paying for porn more than i've ever paid for in my life just because of webcams. Well, yeah, but you're a broken man.

But there's just more people. You pay for webcams? That's what you're doing? Yeah, tipping girls. Oh, okay. So you're getting on webcam with them? Well, no, no. Do they see you?

There's websites we've talked about before where you just sit there and they're talking to you back and forth. And that's how you're beating off these days? Hell, yeah. Wow, that's the best? Have you been on these things? Oh, it's the best. For somebody that likes amateur, it's completely like heaven. Do you fall in love with the girls and ask them, hey, where are you?

No, but it's way better for anyone that masturbates in porn-wise now because now you get to actually talk to people. It's like being in a strip club where they're sitting on your lap. But you're talking. You're not typing. You're typing, but on some of them you can you pay for like a private room but it's more like it's like a huge chat room it's like watching this like on you stream where you're just sitting there getting to know the girl the girl's talking back and forth and you tip her like 20 tokens which is like a dollar and then she's like oh thank you oh here here's

my tits oh what do you want that's all you have to tip them is a dollar? What kind of third world fucking webcams are you tuning into? They've changed it to where it's like a token amount, so it's really confusing. So kind of like Xbox points. So you might be into it a lot more than you think. Well, no. I mean, I'll put $20 into my account, and it'll last me a month.

And it's just like fucking chicks, like hot hot normal girls that are in a lot of these girls get to block the state that they live in so that no one their co-workers don't know about it and stuff like that so these girls are just fucking normal girls that like i just got off but there's you can screen capture them in video they don't know that they like all these websites are saying they're not monkeys they're like barely human all these what all these girls are saying uh because i've actually heard people talk about this before is like oh no they have this protective you know technology so that can't happen and i'm like whatever i do it all it can't

happen that's nonsense so these girls are throwing away their lives how far down the rabbit hole have you gone i mean do you do like 40 but i, have you talked to them outside of sexual things? No, no, no. Are they like using toys and stuff? Is that what they're doing? They're using toys. This one girl has a fuck machine that she built that looks like an erector set. I don't know.

But it's using like... Imagine trying to make that girl cum. Yeah. But it's awesome. She'll sit there and just be like... Broken, calloused vagina. This overstimulated from this fuck machine yeah but it's great like the more you tip the faster she takes it and you see they're selling these are these are girls like fucking trying to sell some a new thing so

she'll have this fuck machine fucking her really slow and she's like oh and then the more she gets in tips the faster she goes and then it goes slow. And she's like, ah. And then the more she gets in tips, the faster she goes. And then it goes to where she's just getting fucking nailed. But she also just made $1,000. And it's completely free. I predicted all of this when I was a young man. Did you? No.

How fucking weird this is. How fucking weird is this? You're tipping to get the machine that's fucking a woman that's in another state to get fucked harder. It sort of backs up my point. Things are different. This is the starting pistol to the fucking anarchy. This is insane.

Yeah, fuck Rome. Rome had nothing on us. Where are we going in two years? Where are we going in two years? man? That's a good question. Where are we going in two years? Is there going to be a two years? I'm not that pessimistic. What about the Mayans, man?

The Mayans. The Mayan calendar, man. Yeah. Well, whatever. The Mayans didn't predict whatever took them down. So, you know, how good was their calendar? They missed a lot of shit. Maybe their calendar was, yeah, like 12.

They actually recently found a new version of the Mayan calendar that's even older that has everything past December 21st, 2012. Oh, okay. It's like, we just saw, I mean, they would, like, why keep going? The fuck? They lived thousands of years ago. Was that not ambitious enough that they made a calendar up to 2012? Yeah, like how?

Everybody assumed, this must mean it's the end of the world. They stopped here. Yeah. I don't even put anything three months world. They stopped here. Yeah, I don't even put anything three months ahead on my Google calendar. Yeah, exactly. So I'm expecting the Mayans to fucking block out 2,000 years ahead. December 21st, man.

2012. I think it's going to be another Y2K sort of situation. Remember that? Everybody was terrified. Yeah, yeah. I think, I haven't even given it any thought to buy it at all at all i know you are you are concerned that there is a possibility that we could fuck up the world within the next few years well i do question constantly like you know where are we going as people like you know where where just where are we going i mean i think you know i know you're a fan of the

technology but a lot of the technology i think does help us isolate you know people don't communicate people comment and blog instead of actually use the protocol of conversations which is like you know there's boundaries when you're standing next to someone talking you know and so and and yeah i do wonder where we're going as people this over entitled sense of where everywhere you go you should be connected into the internet and not you know you don't have to acknowledge the people that are four feet in front of you it's weird man well the idea is that they're mutually exclusive the idea is that you can't have uh ethics and morals and be friendly and nice and be on the internet.

I think that's kind of silly. I think what it is is we've removed social cues. We've removed the interaction of the one human to another where you have a direct result of the things you say. If you say something negative, you see it in a person's face, you feel it. You don't feel shit when you just rag on people from your snarky blog. You just write some cunty words down designed to get some sparks you know and i think we could both as comics relate to that we've all said things that we probably didn't really necessarily mean but we

knew would get a good response right like the guy who just made the kanye west mom's joke yeah but but the but here's the thing i have to feel the repercussions from that. If he comes after me, I have to apologize because I did step over the line, honestly, when I said that. Right. So, but the anonymous nature of it makes it okay, you know, and that's just a tiny part of it. I mean, really. It is, but I don't think it's necessary. I think you can surround yourself with a group of people, even online, if you can structure your own. Like, I have a message board.

I try the hardest I can to cut all the cunts out. Whenever people just start getting really insulting for no reason or shitty or just negative, I get rid of them. I cut them out. I send them to a pink room. I have a room where their names are all pink, and now they can only post in this new place called the cunt farm. Their names are all pink, and now they can only post in this new place called the Cunt Farm.

And then, you know, it just tries as hard as possible. I mean, it's not completely flawless. Still a lot of assholes slip through the cracks. But I have a friend who's on social media, and she's in showbiz, I'd say. And people will post or tweet something about her, and she'll respond. And then they always back down, and they go, oh, I didn't know you really were. They're trying to get a rise out of you. Yeah, but it just seems so crazy. Well, because people feel inadequate, and they feel like someone is doing something that they can't do

or on a television show, and they can find. They're not in the same situation as that person, but they find a flaw. They find a weakness. They find something, and they just lash out and what they're really lashing out it's not that you know her acting is so atrocious it really drives him nuts to the point where he's got to lash out and attack her no it's just he's just he's he hates his own life right right he hates his own life so yeah and everybody's everybody's saying i exist and stuff and a lot of yeah i understand all that but i don't even think that's the, the fact that we really are,

I don't know where we're going. I mean, really, you know, and you ask yourself, am I part of the problem or am I contributing to it? I mean, I'm not on social media and I don't think of that as. You were for a while? Were you on Twitter for a while?

No. Never? That was a fake account? There's been fake me's, you know, which kicking off the fake me was pretty funny because it was so such a huge hassle where i had to send in my passport saying that i'm me giving out my passport information you know i mean that's pretty weird to twitter to twitter to prove that i'm me you know so yeah and and i you know i have said like why would you say you're me in cyberspace

because my daughter once came in back when you know myspace she was like dad there's some guy trying to get pussy saying he's you on myspace i was like oh well we gotta stop him no but it really wasn't me but but yeah just recently i kicked the guy off twitter a couple twitter things you know how come you you have no desire um because i really don't give a shit what poet warrior 69 thinks of me and uh the other part of it is is i already know that it's a wormhole i would go down and not come back out you know like i would rather spend my time being creative now as a comedian i really should be out there so I could plug my dates and all that stuff. Yeah.

But I think it's the exposure. To be that exposed to people, that I don't like the idea. That and then also, it feels like another job, you know, the constantly writing material and posting it and stuff. You don't have to constantly. One of the things that happens is you develop a little community and they send you cool shit and you can just retweet them. Sometimes when I'm running around in the day,

and I don't have time to write anything and put it on Twitter, but I'll occasionally check in and I get these really weird, crazy tweets where people send me some nutty, fascinating thing and I'll retweet it. And then it develops a whole community of people like looking out for that stuff and people that like that stuff and every you know and I think it it provides a service too it provides a connection you know you're the catalyst and you connect all these hundreds of thousands of people together and you exchange ideas I think that's nothing but good you know the the thing about it is trying to make sure

that you don't over use it. You could get stuck on Twitter all day just responding to people and never leave your office and never leave in front of the computer. You really could. Sure, of course. You got to learn how to walk away at a certain point in time, for sure, and

got to learn how to not let it be obsessive but as a comedian it's an amazing tool yeah you still do morning radio and all that kind of shit yeah yeah you don't have to do that if you have you don't have to do it anymore it's completely really good twitter and podcast really yeah we don't we don't do that anymore yeah wow like we have a show tonight that joe put up uh started talking about yesterday and it's almost sold out yeah we just decided to do a show we said uh we oh, we're going to do it. By the way, if you want to get it, get tickets now.

It's Ari Shafir, Joey Diaz, me, Christina Paziski. Is Jon Heffron coming? Jon Heffron's not, but Randy Licky from Bone Zone is. Powerful. It's a serious show, and it's only $15. And it's at the Ice House Comedy Club, which is one of the oldest clubs, if not the oldest in the country. This place started in 1950, and it's just a super cool club filled with everyone that works here.

It's, like, really nice. It's, like, a good vibe place, right? We love doing the podcast here, too. We have a family here. Yeah, it's, like, it's such a warm environment. It's, like, they're cool people. So you'll like coming here. And so it's a big show tonight.

It's at 10 o'clock. Anything else, man? No, that's it. You can get my new movie, God Bless America, on VOD. in here and so it's big show tonight it's at 10 o'clock anything else man no that's it uh you can get uh my new movie uh god bless america on vod and uh all the other movies are on netflix sleeping dogs live world's greatest dad all my movies have the last ones are world's greatest dad uh god bless america my buddy mine uh bill delaps like, so is the next one going to be I'm With Stupid? It's the t-shirt or coffee mug series. Is that what you're doing?

I might be subconsciously. No, I don't know why. I mean, I'm going to probably break it soon and make a movie without a three-name title that could fit on a t-shirt. If you come back again, I promise you I will see World's Greatest Dad and I will see God Bless America. We will discuss both of them next time we come back. Cool, man. Thanks for having me on. Oh, it was a lot of fun, man.

I really enjoyed it. I appreciate it very much. Thank you, Bobcat Goldthwait, ladies and gentlemen, and thank you to The Fleshlight for sponsoring our lovely podcast. That's it for the week. We gave you three this week, you dirty freaks. Next week, I don't know who we got. We've got some people coming up, though.

John Anthony West is June 7th, So that's not next week, right? That's like a couple weeks. Yeah. I don't know who we got next week. I got some people online, though. Maybe we'll get Brad. Brad Williams. We got a lot of fun shit coming up, though, ladies and gentlemen.

So thanks to The Fleshlight for sponsoring our podcast. Go to JoeRogan.net. Click on the link for The Fleshlight and enter in the code name Rogan and save yourself some money. 15% off. Exactly. Also, thank you to Onnit.com. That's O-N-N-I-T. Makers of Alpha Brain, Shroom Tech Sport, Shroom Tech Immune.

Well, I shouldn't even list all the supplements because we've got a lot of new shit coming too. And eventually it's going to be stupid. I'm not a fucking catalog, okay? Onnit.com. O-N-N-I-T. Use the code name Rogan. Save 10% off any and all orders. That's it. The show's over. Ice House Tonight. Ice House Tonight. Yeah. O-N-N-I-T. Use the code name Rogan. Save 10% off any and all orders. That's it.

The show's over. Ice House Tonight. Ice House Tonight, yeah. 10 o'clock show. Oh, and if you want, if you get here at 8.30, Joey Diaz has a one-man show. He tells stories in the OR, so you could have a double Desquad evening. That's at 8.30, right? Is that sold out?

Is Joey sold out? I'm not sure. All right. All right. We love you guys. We'll see you soon. Is that it? Buy my Joey sold out? I'm not sure Alright Alright we love you guys We'll see you soon Buy my Death Squad shirt Go to DeathSquad.TV

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