The Joe Rogan Experience - #229 - Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: June 18, 2012

This episode is only available as audio. Joe sits down with Ari Shaffir.

so is this your podcast or my podcast this is yours let's do a joint production man let's do a podcast on a plane is always a joint production yeah there you go there we go because the podcast on the plane a joint production yeah let's do them from now on podcasts on the plane will always be joint productions that way we'll this is just pop it on both sides yeah this will be the way

to unite all podcasts together we did one of those on um with Reap and Heffron we were just like let's just both record them and you release it on your thing

and I'll release it on my thing yeah I think and we'll both get more fans yeah I think it might work that way yeah you know

it might be possible yeah you Yeah. You know? It might be possible. Yeah. You want to talk about Alpha Brain? No. No, let's do this one with no sponsors, too. Let's get the sponsors on whoever gave me that brownie. This is a different podcast. This is podcast on a plane.

This is sponsored by that dude who gave me that Rice Krispies brownie. I don't even know what you're talking about. How about that? I don't even know what you're speaking of, son. Dude, I am really... Obliterated. Yeah, of course. Which is the best way to fly.

Yeah, it's so much the best way to fly. It's totally. It makes everything better. We got to have a conversation with that lady. It makes it a deep experience. It makes it like a learning journey. You go deep into your soul. I have some of my most intense

personal revelations on cookies on planes really well you look out the window yeah just thinking just sitting alone thinking about your life thinking about you know the way but the really good things that you're enjoying the things that you wish you didn't do you know it's a it's an amazing um time like you know time experience yeah you know you're stra do. It's an amazing time experience. You're strapped into a seat. You're not going anywhere. You're forced to just relax. And you could think of some crazy shit

in a fucking plane when you're hopped up on a cookie. I'm actually making myself fly later now so I don't have to just sleep. If I fly at 1 or 2 p.m., then I use that time to actually write or actually, like you said, think about stuff. Yeah, that's not a bad idea, man. Getting sleep, I like to get home as early as possible.

You've got to find a place to go home to. Sometimes getting sleep is more important. Yeah, wake up at a normal hour. Yeah. I used to always do that. I used to always come home. The sun is always ruined anyway. Yeah. I have to wake up at 7 or 6 to always come home. The sun is always ruined anyway. Yeah.

I have to wake up at 7 or 6 or something and then go to the airport there and then get home at like 2 p.m. It's like, ugh, I'm out of it. Yeah, the day's wrecked. I don't know what the fuck it is about traveling that just makes you physically wrecked. Yeah. I wish I knew what it was. I don't think it's good, whatever it is. But brownies make it a lot better. Brownies make it way better. I took one at the UFC, this last UFC, and I was in line, and I was,

I had to tell myself, like, it was so hard that I was like, dude, you're gonna pass out, so just sort of accept that. But I'm like, all that's gonna happen is you're gonna wake up in about 15 or 20 seconds and you're going to be a little embarrassed and you're just going to walk away and no one will remember it. Right? It's not that big a deal.

So just be cool. And I got to the front of the line and was able to put my hand on like the counter so I didn't pass out. Wow. But, it's like fine.

It's fine. It's like no big deal. It's never, even though it's worse. Wow. It's not that big a deal. Oh, it makes things so much more fun. It's amazing how potent those things can be. And we didn't take a big portion at all. At least I didn't. No. I mean, it was not much at all. Yeah. It's like, this

is, it's ridiculous. It hits you a lot faster than me. Yeah, I felt it immediately. I was like, right away, I was like. In an hour, I'm like, fuck, I took more. Right away, I was like, this is going to be a big one. It's like, sometimes when the tide pulls way back, right before a tsunami hits, you know you're fucked. That's what it felt like. I was sitting in my seat, and I was like, dude, I feel like there's some shit in my toes.

That's what I said to you. It's an amazing thing. The timing, it's like an hour and 20 minutes after taking it is when it really begins to take off. I like to take it right when I'm parking at the airport shuttle. That's the right way to do it. Never bring it on the plane with you. Eat it before you get there. Yeah.

And then it becomes this crazy journey to get through security before it kicks in I end up having to set my alarms because I get so paranoid I'm like set my alarm for when the check in is going to be so it will remind me in case I wander off you know what really pisses me off man that anybody would want to stop you from doing this

that anyone would want to stop you from doing something that's not negative at all but I feel guilty talking about it I feel guilty talking about it. I feel guilty talking about it like I'm doing something forbidden or naughty or wrong. But there's nothing wrong with it. There's nothing wrong with this experience. And as I said, it's really deeply introspective. It always makes me think about, give me an assessment of my life.

I think it's very healthy. I don't think there's very healthy. Yeah. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. So it pisses me off that anybody would ever try to stop you from doing this. It's really annoying. It's like it's so archaic. Yeah. Or even if you're not doing that, even if you're just watching some movie on it.

I was watching a South Park documentary. Did you ever end up watching that yes it was so good amazing incredible inspiring humbling makes you feel like a lazy bitch going to that that award show yeah this is the best thing and you see trey just look off for a moment that blink like yeah and he's like oh he's gone he's gone i thought he's back wow they're crazy i'm so happy that guys like that exist yeah they just do what they want you know i just think if you you know guys like that just show you that if you're just like really creative and work really hard like you could you can pull it off. That's possible. That is attainable. Look where that guy is.

Those guys made an empire of one of the funniest shows of all time. South Park is one of the funniest, altogether funny. They had some of the funniest moments in the history of television, in my opinion. They also have dolls that they can sell.

Dude, that slut-off that they did. Remember when the gay teacher stuffed Paris Hilton up his ass? My God, that was funny. My God, that was funny. And that was on regular Comedy Central, man. Oh, yeah. All the little girls were trying to be the biggest ones. I remember screaming.

I was screaming at the TV. It was so funny. Those guys are the funniest of all time, I think. They just live. Just to know that they exist gives you hope. It's like, you know, that can be done. Look what can be done. Yeah.

How do they do that? They're just so successful that they're like, okay, we get to do what we want, though. Yeah, well. You're making new money. They can't screw it up. They can't screw it up. Yeah, well, they can't screw it up. They can't screw it up.

I think if they just left them alone, you know, the reality is they're cable, so they're not FCC regulated. So they literally could have. How are they not FCC regulated? Because they're not broadcast through the airwaves. It's cable. It's a cable thing. It's either satellite or cable. And so because of that, because of,, because of what's called basic cable,

even if you have satellite, they call it basic cable, the basic cable channels. And those channels are not broadcast through the air, so they're not regulated. Really? But it's Time Warner and stuff. They're not regulated. You're regulated entirely based on advertisers. Only network shows are regulated by the FTC. And if enough people watch,

they'll just say, okay, people are watching, so advertisers will keep coming. What is it, the federal communications? What is the actual... Federal... What do they call themselves? I don't know.

So silly. Whatever the fuck it is. Whoever regulates it. That's how they regulate it. So they're allowed to do whatever they want? They can do whatever they want. Whoever regulates it. That's how they regulate it. So they're allowed to do whatever they want? They can do whatever they want. Wow.

Of course. They can do anything. They just, they have advertisers. Well, that's how the Shield got away with so much. You know, the Shield, they said like,

asshole and bullshit and suck my dick. I was like, what? Yeah, they would say some crazy shit. Why did that stick out? Oh, that show was so good. That was a great show. I was like, what? Yeah, they would say some crazy shit. Why did that stick out? Oh, that show was so good. That was a great show.

I love that southern dude who's always doing dirty shit. The cop, the skinny guy. Yeah, he's in that other show. Have you ever watched that? No, what is the other show? It's like a sheriff in Australia or something.

No, I've never seen that one. It's on FX. He's a good actor, though. Yeah. That guy's good. Shane? Is that his name? Shane?

Yeah. Yeah, that was a great show man have you have you gotten into game of thrones no but i heard that's what i gotta do next you just did god damn i went through the whole first season and like we went through it in like a couple of weeks how many seasons are there there's two seasons they're on the second season right now but we we ate through the whole first season so quick. It's good, dude. It's good.

Can you release Wizards and Dragons? Oh, my God. I don't want to tell you shit. I don't want to give away nothing. But it's like better than The Hobbit, and it's a movie. I saw somebody tweet. I mean, and it's a show, rather. It's a series.

Better than The Hobbit? Better than The Hobbit, and it's a series. It's a series. It's better written. You're more engaged in the characters. It's better written than Lord of the Rings? I's a series. It's better written. You're more engaged in the characters. It's better written than Lord of the Rings. I'm telling you. It's better written than Lord of the Rings.

Better than the movies. Not than the J.R.R. Tolkien stuff. I don't know how well written the Fire and Ice book was, that was, you know, Songs of Fire and Ice, which was what this is all based on. I don't know what that was written like. Apparently some of it was different, but this adaptation, this version of it that they did,

is fucking incredible, man. It is a great show. I mean, the acting... How many years in are they? This is the second season. There's one guy, his name is Peter Dinklage, I think is his name. He's the guy, the little guy.

That guy is a bad motherfucker. I heard a tweet about this. They're like, you know Game of Thrones is huge. When MCA died and the cover of Rolling Stones was like, no, no, stay with the Peter Dinklage cover. Yeah, yeah, it's true. Dude, he's a bad motherfucker, dude. The guy is the best actor on the show. He steals the show.

How did that guy make a living? Do you think when he went into acting, all his friends were like, dude, what are you doing? There's no way. Especially that he was going to try to have a serious role. A regular, yeah. Dude, he's a bad motherfucker. I'm really impressed with that guy's acting. He's really good. The show

is so good, man. It's so well written. It's got so much crazy shit in it. You know, it's got you'll you'll go like episode after episode with no sorcery no man and you're like wow well what is this show like this show is like it's like a complicated character study of people living in this strange time and then all of a sudden some magic will bust out some crazy shit will happen i mean it's it is a goddamn amazing show yeah i gotta get into it it's it's a god

people were talking about like everyone just discovered it this year yeah and they've been like what it's a word of mouth thing man it's a word i had so many people tell you hbo i had so many people telling me you had to go you got to watch this you got to watch this it was it wasn't like like kind of like hey man the show's pretty good. People told me about that, what is the Modern Family? Is that like a big sitcom? People tell me, hey. But they're never super exuberant about it. Like, yeah, it's pretty funny.

I like that show. I like that show. But not this. Game of Thrones is different. When they come up to you, they go, dude, dude. Like The Wire was. Yeah, you've got to watch this fucking show. You've got to watch this show.

I don't know how long They can keep this up It looks like it costs A billion dollars to make Really it looks that good It looks like it's amazing Do they have I can't even

I don't want to tell you What they have I'll watch I'll download it But it's madness I'm just about ready To give up on Boardwalk Empire Yeah they're having

Sword fights What They're cutting people In half with swords People are getting Killed by wolves I mean there's some This is a wild-ass show. Oh, that's exactly what I love.

Dude, this is a wild-ass show. Man, they always do it right, HBO. Dude, they do it right. This is a fascinating world, complete fantasy world, where the winter lasts for, like, nine years, and the summer lasts for, like, ten years. Yeah. And they were preparing for the for the winter and like some people don't survive in this world during the winter

it's like it doesn't even make any sense but you don't give a fuck it's like all the all the rules are out the window how's the wind winter nine years long it's shut up bitch just suck it it is what it is you know know? They don't explain. They don't ever explain. How the fuck is the summer ten years long? No one explains anything. They just know it is. But they worry about...

That's what I hate when they do that in movies, when they're like, why are you explaining something that everyone would know? Yeah. Everyone would know this. In the movie, yeah. So why would you ever explain that? They don't even bother with it in this movie,

in this show. They don't just... You just deal with the fact that summer is 9 years long and people get soft in the summer and they forget and they tell them children you've never seen the winter you've never been here during the winter

and they have these things that live in the fucking mountains they built a wall to keep them out and these fucking things and they only come in the winter they come and they sacrifice I don't even want to tell you. I don't want to tell you anything. All right.

Fucking show's amazing, man. There's so many layers to it. There's so many subplots going on all at once. Every week, you're like, fuck, it's over. Every time it's over, it's like, shit. It's so good. Every time it's over, I'm like, god damn, this is a good show. Yeah. Every now and then, it's like the Sopranos. When the Sopranos was in its prime. Yeah, you're like,

whoa. Yeah. Every time it came out, I was like, wow, that's a show, man. That's a damn show. Yeah. Yeah. At some points, it was like, ah, whatever. whatever some seasons they weren't in it yeah the best they were like wow they were betrayed at every turn yeah yeah yeah yeah people still mistake joey for that guy what's that people still mistake joey for that guy yeah for big pussy i know it's hilarious joey has that glow about him he's like got this like Joey has that glow about him He's got this like Exuberant confidence There's something about him

You just think this guy's gotta be famous Even before he was ever famous Yeah And then when he got on The Longest Yard Then people started recognizing him From that movie And he did some best damn sports show stuff I think they recognized it from that too right

yeah and then like internet stuff but once that the real thing with joey was the podcast yeah when the podcast kicked in and people got to hear the real joey i mean come on the dude has we're gonna make a second t-shirt it was always a no-brainer with him it was like just once people know about it yeah it's over but yeah it's over How do we get people to know about him? Dude, I had a fight to get that guy into places. Yeah, what happened with the man show? Oh, that was brutal. Doug and I, we wanted Joey to introduce us. We wanted Joey to burst out naked.

There's a video of Joey. When I was younger and I first started working at the improvs, I was embarrassed that they had this giant picture of my face. I was like, this is so stupid. Like, they have these giant posters of you. Oh, yeah. And I'm like, we've got to do something with this. So I put the poster in front of a door, and Joey takes his clothes off, goes behind the poster, and comes bursting through the poster. And then he screams out, let's get this party started.

And then that song Jungle Boogie starts playing and Joey starts dancing. And he's naked and his balls are just preposterous. They're so unbelievably big. He's just ridiculous. He's smiling and he's wearing Timbaland boots. He's got Timbaland boots on and a baseball hat. I don't know, man. I've been in Joey's Corner.

It's somewhere online. I have it. I have it on my computer somewhere. I've been in Joey's Corner since, I don't know, man, the 90s. And you wanted to do that for the opening of the Man Show? Yeah, and they fought for it. I said, I want him to be naked and just run out and introduce us. And they go, what about that says Man Show to you?

That was what she said. I was like, it's going to be funny. She goes, how is that funny? She was crying. How is that funny? This is an executive. How is that funny? I go, it's trust me. It's funny. I go, it's just funny. It's Joey Diaz. It's funny. I got an opportunity to have one of the funniest guys in the world introduce every one of these episodes and you won't want to do it. You should have to

prove that that's not funny. Yeah. So this is what we did. We had two intros. We had one with him and one without. The first one we did without him. And it was nice. Nice big round of applause. Second one we did with it. And they went fucking apeshit. People stood up in the stands. Joey is buck naked on stage going,

let's get this party started. And he's dancing. It's such a shock. Yeah, and he's interested. Please fuck. Casual male nud shock. Yeah. And he's interested. Please welcome. Casual male nudity. Joe Rogan and Doug Stato. And we run out. And we're howling. And Doug and I high five.

It's the ultimate opening. It's the ultimate opening. It's the greatest opening ever. It would have been the greatest opening ever. That show was like 10 years before its time. Because if we did that show in 2013 or 2014, and we did it entirely on the internet, it could still exist.

It could be a funny show. If we figured out a way to get paid for doing it, or pay for the actors, and pay for people, writers, and things along those lines, we had a lot of great ideas. They just never let us do them. They never let you go nuts. They never let us do what we were supposed to do.

You're telling me that. You're like, they're not letting us do religious stuff. They completely lied to us about how the whole process was going to work to get me to do it. They just wanted to sign me on. And if they signed me on, they figured that Comedy Central would give them a good deal. And so they kind of bullshitted me. So the producers, this is the exact wording. Swear and we'll bleep it out.

Show some nudity, we'll blur it out. Just go nuts. They literally told me that it would be good if we got sued. Really? Yeah. And so you're like, well, that sounds awesome. Yeah, so I'm like, well, this is perfect. Doug and I are in.

Let's go. Let's go. We're going to go crazy. This is going to be fun. We're going to go nuts, man. But as soon as we got in. Well, I said that's the only way I would do it and i said it has to be stand up yeah i'm like yeah they had a list of guys and i'm like there's one guy there's only one guy on your list i go to thug

stand up they go yeah i go yeah yeah yeah i go back that's that's the you got a you got an all time great comedian in your lineup that has chemistry with it and he's one of and i love him yeah you know he's a great guy. So, just the times hanging out with Doug and just, just chilling with him

and just, you know. Yeah, it sounds like the perfect scenario. Yeah, we could have had the best time ever.

There was two, two fuck ups there. One of them was a big one on my part was that I thought that I could do two TV shows at the same time.

You really can't. Good factor. You can't, man. Yeah, you can't. Why, it's just too much time? It's way too much time. You can't do it. You can't do two TV shows at the same time. You really can't. You can't, man. Yeah, you can't. It's just too much time. It's way too much time. You can't do it.

You can't do two TV... And I'm not willing to not do stand-up, so I had to do that, too. So I was doing two TV shows, and I was doing stand-up. It's too hard, man. You can go crazy. You can go crazy when you do too much work.

Yeah, it seems like you would. Yeah, you go crazy. When you're doing stand-up at all, it's not just the hour you go up on stage. It's the before and after you think about it. It's super unhealthy. You're not thinking about writing this other show. You're not working on this other show.

Yeah. Yeah. It's super unhealthy to burn the candle at both ends. You know? Yeah. So we got fucked. We thought we were going to be able to do something. They pulled back the reins?

Yeah, they took, well, especially when Janet Jackson, the nipple controversy, oh my God. They came in. It was amazing. It was almost like a joke. Bad for comedy. They came in and they were like, we had a whole couple different monologues that got completely scrapped. Because they said, we couldn't talk about that anymore. We couldn't make abortion jokes anymore.

We couldn't discuss it in a monologue, you know. Yeah. That sucks. Yeah, it was just weak, man. And you're like, oh, this has nothing to do with us. You know, if you're going to hire someone to do a show, the real problem, man, is the only way to get a real artistic voice out, your real voice, is you have to do it yourself.

You know, you can get help. You can get help like sort of the way the way the podcast gets help like we all have help we help each other like this conversation couldn't take place with just one of us you know we help each other we go we go on each other's shows we were just talking about that back of someone's head like that the whole time yeah that wouldn't wouldn't work. It'd be super rude. Yeah, that would be rude as fuck. Yeah. What were we just talking about? That's how stoned you are, son. Yeah. I'll give you three guesses.

Okay. Right before, we couldn't do this without the podcast, it was, oh, the man show. Man show. Okay.

Couldn't get past the censors. The nipple gate stuff. Nipple gate. Oh, yeah. They came down on everybody then. Yeah, it was horrible. gate oh yeah they came down on everybody then yeah it was horrible how it's during they came down they came down on everybody they're so crazy they're so crazy and uh kevin booth actually had a really funny line yeah where he's saying um you know that they were upset that it was during the dinner hour and he said isn't that like the first meal like that's the baby's first meal

is a nipple because you're showing that during the dinner hour and somehow I know that's offensive yeah yeah why is that offensive that's funny and what is the big deal someone's breastfeeding right now it is true I mean it's the baby's first meal it's like what is a big deal about a nipple I mean it's really so crazy you can't ignore the fact that there is something about it. I know, but it's really weird. I know. It's weird that it's so crazy that if you just show one part, you can show everything but the nipple. And you can have a cup on it.

Or how about this weird loophole where girls are allowed to paint themselves? Everything but the aerial. Oh, yeah, the paint totally works. Yeah, totally naked but painted. Yeah. And they don't feel naked. Yeah. I've seen girls like that. It. And they don't feel naked. Yeah. I've seen girls like that.

It looks like they're covered. It's weird. I don't remember where I was, but there was some party where some girl, it was like some sort of a costume party, and some girls had done that. They'd gotten their tits painted. I'm like, that is the craziest shit I've ever seen in my life. You're naked. Yeah.

I don't care what, you're naked. You can't have paint clothes. I saw it in Toronto last month. You need real clothes. Yeah. You can't just, clothes out in toronto last month you need real clothes yeah you can't just how is she walking around like top of not that i'm a hater not that i'm trying to stop anybody from being topless but that is what that is like that's that's those are naked boobs those are tits yeah yeah we know what that is it's just like what a weird loophole to be a slut i'm just paying it up have fun i guess tightest clothing possible i'm not

discouraging it and i sound like such a hater it should totally be legal don't get me wrong i'm just saying it's it's weird it's hypocritical of our crazy society that a guy can walk around with his nipples out but a girl can't you think it's a fetish for watching a girl wash off the paint? Of course. Of course. There's probably websites dedicated to spanking it. Of course there is. Of course. There's probably thousands of men that are linked together on this one site. People are so twisted.

They really are. They're so gross. Do you think they're ever going to regulate the internet? I think they're trying. They're trying to slowly clamp down. They're going to make certain things slowly illegal. They're going to have to figure out a way to show that... You're becoming the only video source almost, and they don't allow nudity or anything.

Well, the real issue is they can't control anything that gets on the internet. And they would like to be able to control things. So that's why they have to pass things like the, you know, all these different acts that allow them to come in and stop websites and SOPA and all these different ones that people are constantly protesting. They want to be able to, if something really goes wrong, to be able to disseminate information. And they can't figure out a way how to stop it through the internet entirely without just totally locking down the internet so they reserve the right to lock down the internet they don't actually do it just to shut it off to lock down to be able to they could definitely shut it off i mean that's what happened in egypt every site except one or

two they just can lock off the internet period they can just cut off people's access to the internet oh no yeah no, don't do that. Well, that's not likely to happen, but in times of an emergency, that is what the government would do. And if you want to go all crazy Alex Jones, deep in the heart of Texas, look how far Texas down is. Jesus Christ, I wonder why it's hot as fuck down there. Yeah, it's way further south than California. Texas is way down. I wonder if that's right. Below the tip of Yeah, it's way further south than California. Texas is way down. I wonder if that's right.

Below the tip of Florida. It is way below California, yeah. Yeah. It looks dark as fuck down there. That's hot, man. Texas in the summer gets really hot. Yeah. But if I wanted to go all Alex Jones on you, I would say, well, you know, the government

would create a reason to cause martial law so they would come in and shut down the internet because they were losing control. That's when the chemchairs turned real. Yeah. create a reason to cause martial law so they would come in and shut down the internet because they were losing control. That's when the chem chairs turned real. Yeah. That's if you want to go Alex Jones, I have the documents. I can't do Alex Jones unless I'm yelling. Don't yell.

I have a shit Alex Jones impression. It's only good if I'm yelling. Dude, that pool impression you did was hilarious too. What? All those pool guys watching you do that impression. Oh, Earl Strickland? I was watching two professional pool players watch you and laugh as you're doing an impression of another professional pool player. Yeah, that's a deep inside joke, man.

Yeah, they were loving it. Yeah, there's a guy named Earl Strickland who's one of the greatest pool players in the history of pool. And the reason why I can do this guy's accent so well, I could do an imitation of him. I'm a huge fan of this guy. He's an amazing pool player. Ari and I got a chance to see him play live. Yeah, he talks so much trash. Oh, he talks so much trash.

He's awesome. He's a real American original, and I could do an impression of him. He was a great sport about it, though. he didn't get upset at me at all he was super happy to meet me and really friendly it was great it was great it was awesome loving it those guys like crying looking they're in the middle of a match playing for a bunch of cats against each other and they were stopped in the middle of that yeah close i think it was like i think it was really close really tied up at that point. Was it 23-22?

Real close. Something like that. No, it wasn't that late. Yeah, it was, I think. No, it wasn't that late. It was like 15-13. Yeah, 15-13, yeah. Yeah, it was like 25 games in.

Very close. Yeah, they were just sitting there laughing, blowing off steam. Yeah. He had some good Earl stories, too. Johnny Archer did. Yeah. How cool is that? There's no other sport where you could hang out with an all-time great. Yeah, he had some good Earl stories, too. Johnny Archer did. How cool is that? There's no other sport where you could hang out with an all-time great like Johnny Archer.

Just hang out behind an office building in Vegas. And you're laughing, telling pool stories. It's such a weird thing, just a weird office building. Yeah. It was kind of rad. Yeah. There's like 12 people watching. Dude, how cool is watching those guys, the best players in in the world play like inches in front of your face yeah man that's a it's no other game where you

could do there's no golf game where you could ever be in a private room well i should explain to people what was going on there's a thing called the action report if you go to the action report.com it's my friend justin he runs this website, and what it is is they set up these challenge matches for the best pool players in the world. And they would put up a $10,000 entry fee, and they would play for it all. It's like a two-man tournament, essentially. It's like a boxing one. They're like, well, I bet that guy could beat that guy. So let's get them together.

Yep, exactly. And they play long races. They play three races to 25. So that means the first guy to win 25 games wins the set. And then they come back tomorrow. And if they win two sets in a row, they win two out of three, which means they take all the money down.

And they have people that come in and wager on it. There's people that wager online about it. Oh, really? Yeah. And they watch live online? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, you know, and people in other countries watch it, you know, and in the pool world, it's like a big shot

in the arm for them. You know, it's like these guys had to sit around and wait in between tournaments, but now, like, things come up like the action report where they'll actually

stream live matches and it's getting people kind of excited about pool again. Do you think it'll turn those people into stars so they can actually make a pool tour viable?

If the website keeps building and the online pool presence keeps building and people like me who like watching it, watch it online, I love watching people play on really tough equipment. These guys are playing on these little tiny pockets and it's quiet as a church in there. It is quiet.

It's really fucking cool. You've got to take a soda from the tub and you're just like, don in there. It is quiet. It's really fucking cool. You've got to take a soda from the tub and you're just like, don't move, don't move. He's lying up, don't move. It's like you're feet away from... There's no way you should be able to be that close to them in real life. It's such a rare situation.

So you feel so scared of doing anything to screw up. You shouldn't be 10 feet from johnny archer while he's playing you should be up in the stands away from way away from him you know so it's such a rare opportunity when you're that close it's like it makes you play better doesn't it don't you feel like you you left that and then you went and played better oh when i went and played yeah watching them yeah yeah you Like, you absorb their pool game. Yeah. This book I'm reading, that book, Quiet, it says that people actually perform when they're performing under pressure, notably perform worse.

Really? Yeah. That makes sense. Everybody, even at home, they said there was some school that had some measles outbreak, so they had to to quarantine and they had to play their home games in front of no crowd and they said in those 13 home games they played in front of no one they performed way better than their averages in the games where they actually had fans there rooting for them wow that's crazy performance anxiety no makes sense man yeah there's a lot on the line there's a a lot of extra adrenaline and things to manage. It's very hard for people to keep it together. That's why a lot of fighters like to sleep during the day of a fight.

They like to lie down in the dressing room and sleep. They try to lower their heart rate, try to relax, try to just be as calm as possible, try to chill out. The more calm you get when you're in there the more you can sort of perform i used to white out when i did jiu-jitsu in the beginning i used to white out people just have me just like just behind the head you know nothing like no move even right you know um and i just start to white out i have to like tap oh you like panic yeah i would just panic people like why'd you tap like i don't know man if someone would be on top of me right i would

start to panic and white out and then i learned how to breathe and it was like okay but it was just heart rate yeah it's heart rate and it's also you learn how to defend yeah you know you got to know what to do like there's a whole process to go through to defend yeah you know you might not be successful with that process, but you're not lost. When you're lost and you're just sort of winging it, that's scary. Yeah, that's when you panic.

Yeah. I don't know what's happening here. That's what jiu-jitsu's all about, really, is people trying to defend the attack and they don't know what to do and they give up positions and get choked out or get tapped out. Man, it's fun, though.

It's really fun. God. I enjoy it, but it's very hard on the body man yeah it's awesome though just running around trying to like choke people i had to take i took almost four months off really yeah three three plus three plus months of no jiu-jitsu no i i um i popped something in my back and uh started getting numb numbness in my hands and um i uh there was uh some some um my friend sir sir is this yours you're welcome um i uh pulled something and it was uh you pulled something about it pull something that connects so i think it's called the levator scapula where it connects to the spine and i had um it was really bad swelling and aching and my my nerves were swelling like it was uh pressure on the nerves

so i'd get like pain in my arm pain throughout my nerves it's really a bitch man really lasted a while lasted for a whole month and a half plus like that where it was like every day it was like my hand was numb and my elbow would hurt really yeah the ulnar nerve pain but it i had to get rehab i did a lot of um uh they have a thing called cold laser that's like an anti-inflammatory laser that they put on you an ultrasound and deep tissue massage and eventually it relaxed and calmed down but it's like when you get a tear in that area what happened is i meatheaded myself i got a headed yourself i hurt my back a little bit and i said i'm not

gonna be a pussy i'll just keep rolling you mean that i just i'm meatheaded myself because i completely jacked it i was like saying don't be a pussy, you know, just because you feel injured, get back in there. Thank you. So when I did that, I completely fucked myself. Um, I tore it bad and then I was in like some serious agony. I did it a couple of times. I had a recurring injury over like a period of like, uh, maybe three times over a period of six months so then i realized okay i gotta stop you just rest there or you just do anything to it i said a rest okay just rest and like i said all the rehab stuff it's just a muscle tear

that's what it is but the problem is when you don't give it a chance to heal you know jujitsu is just so goddamn brutal. When you injure something, realistically, this is what happens. A muscle tear, when you injure it, takes three months to be 100% after that tear. So that's realistically. But how long do you take before you start working out again? Well, usually it's not three months. Usually it's less than three months, and you're really not 100% yet. So you go in, and then you wind up injuring it again.

And that's what I've done. I've done that a couple of times. That that's what's called meat-headeding i'm meat i'm meat-headed myself you got to know when you're injured you know sometimes it's just sore like muscle soreness is no big deal but you got to know like things that are injuries and that's you know it's part of like there's a a fine dance between mental toughness and being an idiot. Mental toughness and breaking your body. Bro, I can deal with this. Why?

Because you said. Yeah. Why? Why would you be the guy that can deal with it? Yeah, there's certain aspects of your body that you've got to listen to. There's certain aspects of, you know, injuries. If you keep going and you try to work through the injury, you're going to really mess yourself up. I know guys who have done that with their knees.

They elected to not have surgery and just try to strengthen the muscles to keep the knees stabilized. And then they rip it apart. The inside just gets chewed to shit because there's no stability there. There has to be an actual ligament that connects like an acl blowout it has to be a ligament that connects the two two joints together otherwise it's all wiggly it's all what it all it's all wiggly it doesn't it doesn't like support you when you stand on it if you try to move left or right it's going to buckle and give out and that's what happened yeah i did that both that. Both of them. Both my knees. Isn't one

of your knees like way better than the other because you had 10 years in between and the technology was better? Well, it's also because I didn't have any meniscus damage. In my right knee, there was no meniscus damage. So it was just replacing the ligament and then it was 100%. The left knee, there was a significant amount of ligament damage and a significant amount of cartilage and meniscus damage. So they had to take some stuff out of this knee. So this knee is, you know, if you comparatively, it's not as good as this knee, but it's still awesome.

I kicked the bag with this knee, like full blast. Like I don't have any problems in jiu-jitsu. I triangle people with this leg. Like it's not, it might be slightly uncomfortable but it's not injured yeah it's just every now and then it's annoying and not even all the time so it's not it's not a major issue it's nothing worth uh me getting put under the knife for but i've had two surgeries on that knee i had uh an acl surgery and you keep going? Yeah. ACL surgery. That was from Taekwondo.

And then there was a meniscus surgery from Jiu-Jitsu. How come you don't limp? How come what? How come you don't limp? It doesn't hurt. At all. I mean, it doesn't only hurt when I walk. I mean, and you got to stay in shape and you got to take vitamins. I mean, it's really simple.

You have to make sure you're given your joints lubrication. But there are surgeries where they can fix it, and it's relatively close to 100% once it's done. My right knee is 100%. My right knee has no problem at all. Dr. Gettleman, same guy that did you. He's awesome. He's doing my other knee now. Yeah, he's the best.

I haven't missed his tear this time. He's a really cool guy, too. I like the guy. I like him. He was like, hey, dude, I saw you in a commercial, right? I was like, yeah. Yeah, he's the best. I haven't missed his tear this time. He's a really cool guy, too. I like the guy. I like him. He was like, hey, dude, I saw you in a commercial, right? I was like, yeah. Yeah, he's young. He's cool.

He's a fun guy to talk to. But, yeah, he did both my meniscus on my left knee, and he reconstructed my ACL on my right knee. My right knee is way better than my left knee. My left knee they did with this old-fashioned method called a patella patella tendon graft they take your own ligament they take a big chunk out of the front piece and they take a chunk out of your kneecap and a chunk out of your shin and then they they sort of build a fake ligament and then they screw it in place i mean it works pretty good don't get me wrong a little bit and he was looking at the mri and it goes like through like it shows you like 3d like like almost a trip through your your knee yeah you know front back

top bottom yeah three-dimensional it's awesome he goes i can show you here where's the tear there and this is actually a full tear and you need to take this off because of this and i was like dude how how great is it to have this stuff and he's like like, oh, it's so sweet. I'm like, did you learn any of this in medical school? No. They had the idea of the MRI. It's amazing. Yeah. So what do they do?

They have to take training and learn? Yeah, learn the new stuff. Otherwise you fall behind. Amazing. It's not even exact still. Even then they miss things, right? Yeah, my first one they missed. Meniscus.

Meniscus is painful. Yeah. That's way more painful than the ligament it's easier to fix though six weeks later you're 100 wasn't fully torn this one's fully torn but this one doesn't hurt nearly as bad that's weird yeah the other one buckled all the time yeah man you gotta you gotta take fish oil dude That'll strengthen your joints. Yeah. Makes a big difference, man. And it relieves. I notice a big difference between when I'm taking it and when I'm not taking it as far as like joint pain.

What does it do for your farts? Jiu-jitsu, like a lot of times for farts, it'll wreck you. It'll wreck you, really? It might wreck you. No, it's normal. I don't know. It's pretty pure stuff, the stuff I get. I get a company called Carlson's. It's pretty pure stuff, the stuff I get.

I get a company called Carlson's. But there's a lot of companies that have really pure, strained. What do they cut with it in other places? What's that? They cut it other places? No, it's not that they cut it. It's that sometimes animals can come from polluted waters. And they can find they have mercury in them. So they have to make sure that there's no mercury and it's pre-filtered and all that jazz so uh carlson's is uh is a really good one but i i notice a big

difference when i'm taking as far as like joint pain from jujitsu like my elbows are always sore from kettlebells and jujitsu but when i take fish oil it's much more manageable big difference take a lot of pills huh um yeah yeah over the course of a day but i also eat a lot of like really healthy food too like i had a big ass giant salad at um wolfgang pucks you know and i take vitamins with that i mean i i used to i slipped on it for a while where i wasn't being as consistent and i really noticed a difference in how i was feeling and then when i started getting into nootropics and started taking AlphaBrain, then I really started ramping up

my supplement taking. You started with a lot more? No, not more. Just very consistent. Sometimes I'd go out to dinner and I wouldn't bother bringing... I have these packets different companies make. I think that Pure is the name of it. Something like that.

It's like all your essentials. It's got fish oil and it's got everything. And you can just take them and you put the little packets in your gym bag, your travel bag. So then you have no excuse. You're eating a meal, there's one right there. Open it up, boom, extra nutrients. And you take it with your salad or whatever the hell else you're eating. And it makes a difference for me. I feel I have more pep, you know?

I just think we don't get enough nutrients, man. I really don't think the average person, especially us when we travel, when we travel we have a real problem with managing your diet. Whole food, yeah. I have to make a choice to go to Whole Foods when I'm back, whenever I'm home. Yeah. Like every day.

Do you go to the buffet there? Yeah. It's the best. Good food. Yeah, it's delicious. You know what else is good there? That little salad. They have kale salad.

Yeah, all these different ones. Oh, man. You have to find a good one. Some of them are better than other ones. Yeah. The one in West Hollywood is awesome. And everybody there is trying to keep it together. All the girls there are like, whatever age they are, they're the best of their age.

Yeah. The 45-year-olds are like still looking pretty good in their yoga pants and stuff. Yeah, they're keeping it together with nutrition. Yeah, the 30-year-olds, it's all people trying. Keeping it together. Yeah, I love those Zala bars. They make it good. When you're stoned, it's so good.

Yeah. You can get like a thousand different flavors. Yeah. I go over and steal these bell peppers from the Olive Garden bar. You steal them? Well, they're like separate price. They wait out. I'm like, I don't want the other container.

So I just take those and put them in there. Wow. Yeah, I outlaw it. That's gangster. I just go straight outlaw it. That's pretty gangster, dude. I've been warned, too. You've been warned?

One time. Like, actually, sir, just so you know, for the next time, you should know that. And I was like, oh, okay. Oh, man. You got been warned? One time. Like, actually, sir, just so you know, for the next time, you should know that. And I was like, oh, okay. Oh, man. You got shut down? Yeah, so now all my adrenaline goes up every time I do it. Oh, that's funny. You're worried about getting caught again.

And now you're going to release this to the podcast, and someone's going to be looking out for you. Hopefully. They're going to know I can bust this guy. Just look the other way, bro. He's going to bust that pepper move. It's just four flower peppers. It's that pepper move that he talked about on the podcast. What kind of an asshole charges extra for

flour peppers? Come on, man. Let me just put this in my salad. Yeah, that's stupid. Put it in the container. Yeah, why do you charge extra for that? They have good stuff. Haven't you done enough damage? Wait, hold on. Tate told me about that paleo diet. He's really into that. Of not eating any grains. Any quinoa or couscous no grains yeah he's like nope

kind of makes sense if you think about it like how what is the body designed to process yeah well what did we process before industrialized civilization just meat and vegetables that's what you're supposed to eat you're supposed to eat just like meat and vegetables. That's what you're supposed to eat. You're supposed to eat just, like, meat and, you know, lettuce and shit that you would eat if you were just a caveman. Yeah, but then we learn how to get more stuff. Yeah, but you're not supposed to, like, eat grains. That's all, like, filling. It's all a weird thing for your body to process. Like, you shouldn't be able to eat that much grain.

We couldn't eat meat. Think about how ridiculous it is that you take bread you grind it down turn it to powder it's amazing mix it with eggs and water all that shit and make this crazy big doughy thing that fills your stomach up with goo oh it sounds like cardboard when you say it like that that sounds like cardboard it's yummy it's yummy goo but it's goo you know you mash it down so it's like paste it's basically you your mouth and your saliva and your teeth are doing the job for you, but the flavor is the same as if you had shot paste in your mouth. You know, bread paste.

Yeah. You know? So part of the flavor is in the making of the paste. I mean, when you think about it, that's what it is. And it's going down into your stomach. It's dough. It's just filling? It's just filling.

But don't you get nutrients from it? You get a little bit. There's a little something. You know, there's whole wheat bread. It's much better than white bread. And that's why they enrich like Wonder Bread. They throw a bunch of vitamins in it while they're cooking it, which probably doesn't do jack shit.

I thought quinoa is protein. Yes, quinoa is. Yeah, quinoa is a grain. It's protein. Quinoa you might be able to get away with on the paleo diet i'm not sure but i know you can't get away with rice or uh pasta rather i know you can't get away with pasta i think you're supposed to be just eating you know if you're gonna eat rice it's got to be like wild rice really like with it's got fiber to it no way pasta no way

pasta no no way pasta pasta is completely out but no whey pasta. Pasta's completely out. But rice is out. Yeah, I think bread's completely out. I think you're supposed to be just eating meat and chicken and fish and eating vegetables and salads, and that's what your body really is designed to handle. You look at the size of people, their body mass index, and how it's gone up and up and up with the introduction or the expansion of grains and corn. And, you know, when you look at the human diet as it's evolved, and we figured out a way to make cities, and then once they stockpiled food, and, you know, grains are very important for cities, you know, for keeping people hungry and fed.

Or fed, rather. So, like, once they figured that out, man like that that like became a big part of the the human diet and the more they added grains like corn and you know the more corn the more yeah the more like it's just like we do with cows when you take a cow and you feed them like a grass-fed diet they're lean they're like lean cows and they're delicious it's like a completely different flavor it's like a richer flavor i don't get it when you feed them when you feed them corn then they get all fat and they they have a lot of what they call marbling which is really just the animal being really unhealthy unable to process stuff yeah i can't process the corn there's a reason why corn comes

out of your poop man oh my god that's what it Your body's like, I don't know how to deal with this anymore. Your body is not, it's a rough product. Rick and Grimm has diabetes. Wow. Type 1 diabetes. What does that mean? Childhood diabetes. Oh, yeah?

He got it when he was 23. Oh, wow. Yeah, like real late. But it was just like a situation where the parts, as long as it processes the proteins, the carbohydrates, I mean,

Right. stopped working, so his body was just throwing up. He just was unable to fucking process it. And that's what our body our body is like it does its best yeah it's like the rest yeah so it's just not it's not designed for it you know the appendix is um a leftover organ back from when our diet was different and i think like for heavier plants and things like along those lines your body required like an extra organ at one time i thought it was um we're on a plane folks

or i would totally google this but at one time i think they attributed it to um or i mistakenly thought it was attributed to eating raw meat but i don't think that's true now what you needed an extra organ that's what the appendix was it was to help process the raw meat but I don't think that's true now. What was? You needed an extra organ. That's what the appendix was. It was to help process the raw meat. But I don't think that's true. I think it's been disproved. Oh, really? I'm not sure, though.

Please Google that on your own. But obviously, our diet changed, and we no longer needed our appendix. And then it became some weird organ that occasionally blows up inside of you, and then you've got to go to the hospital and get it cut open. The weirdest thing is appendix, like 200 years years ago they would have no idea what that was you would just suddenly get pain and then you would just die yeah yeah you would just get cursed by a demon and then they figured i don't know maybe 200 years ago they had figured it out but somewhere along the line they figured out what was happening and whether or not you would get a good doctor that would diagnose it or one that would try to cure you of being possessed by

demons you know who the hell knows you you had to roll the dice back then yeah isn't it amazing like when when when darwin first came out with his uh his his book, people demonized him? Yeah, the science community was so Christian that anything other than that ideology was thought to be preposterous. Like, the science community was Christian at the time. Like, with a given is that God created the world in seven days. And then from there, we can discuss, you know,

what happens to oak trees in the summer yeah yeah well it's like they're trying to find a way for it to fit that's the that's the rub it's always trying to find a way that it fits it's like there's no one's willing to just go this doesn't make any sense anymore it does yeah i think we're living in a way better time now because the internet yeah willing to just go, this doesn't make any sense anymore. It does, yeah. I think we're living in a way better time now. Because of the internet. It's really accelerating things at a massive rate.

Yeah, well, young kids... You can find the people who think alike. You can't get into a sense of like, oh, I'm the only person like this, so I'll just suck it up. You can find, no matter where you are you're like oh i can find the thing that i look like you know my aesthetic goes towards yeah young kids have a

way better path yeah out of uh you know what they think you know like they think that they feel they have limitations you know like this is their limitations the town they live in they don't get access to information how am i I going to get out of here? How am I going to grow? But through the internet, you find like-minded friends. Imagine coming out of the closet if you're in a town of like 80. Oh, my God. It's brutal.

There's two guys in hiding. That's the only source you're after. My next-door neighbor growing up was gay we all knew he was gay but he didn't come out he didn't come out for like i guess he came out in high school sort of really yeah so a few people came out in high school i think i don't really remember now i probably shouldn't talk about him but i remember thinking like poor guy like why why can't you just kind of i have a friend like the same situation i'm just like no yeah like you clearly are everyone who meets you thinks you are yeah everyone who meets you thinks you are yeah and then after a while he

started having boyfriends and he'd bring his boyfriends around and it was all good everybody accepted them they just yeah go for it man they just had to like see it and then get used to the new reality it's funny to introduce almost actually related to your meathead friends it's like it's just a cat to a dog you let him sniff through the fence for a little while then you take him to a screen then you hold him in a leash do you imagine if you had a bunch of meathead friends and you and you had to come out of the closet and tell them that you're gay? Like, what if you like sucking dick, but you're really into football and you're good at it? Yeah.

And, you know, you and Troy Aikman develop a very close friendship, do you think? It's only increased your benefits of being friends with me. I can't believe that I'd be willing to tell you this, Troy, but this is how much I love you and honor our friendship. I wouldn't want to tell you this, Troy. But this is how much I love you and honor our friendship. I wouldn't want to hold this from you. Close your eyes and stay right there. I want to give you a surprise. He's stroking the shaft.

Oh, okay, open them. I've always been gay for you. He's like, that's a... He's taking a chance right there. Yeah, that is a good chance. You get an extreme reaction troy is either going to be totally into it or totally against it yeah yeah not a subtle way of breaking it it's hard to hard to pull off not to mention he might not be his type let me ask you this what do you think the john travolta thing is? Do you think that... I believe in my friend's idea. When those rumors come out,

they're because they're always based on truth. That's why they have legs. The rumors that don't have any legs go away almost instantly. The ones that stick around is because they have legs and they're based in truth. They naturally stay around. Kurt Metzger pointed that out. Because the fucking, the durable things,

like that's the same one. It sticks around. Yeah, but I think the durable thing is a rumor that might have been pushed on him by like Scientology I think he was released

by Scientology released? yeah they had that on him yeah they released it and they said oh you're gonna go Buddhist? we're telling you not to we're warning you not to

really? now you're going we're making an example of you we're releasing this couldn't it why would they just release it as a rumor because they didn't have any proof

like when you say that they released it there's no proof they just let it out I don't know so do you think it's real they had their ways why would you assume

it's real though they were powerful back then they still are but why would you assume it's real though why wouldn't you just assume that it was a rumor that they made up

that'd be just as I mean back then when I was a kid it was like the 1980s it was like that's when everybody knew that he had done this everyone knew yeah okay you grew up in maryland yes i grew up in boston eddie grew up in la we all heard the story as kids i mean how does it get around unless it's true no no no that's that's that's ridiculous that doesn't make any

sense at all get him just no the real the real statement is just because it got around doesn't mean it's true. Yeah, I guess maybe. Yes, definitely. You're right. Dude, that doesn't make sense. I think maybe it's one of those persistent rumors. Oh, man, the guy had a gerbil up his ass. Get the fuck out of here.

He might be right. Why did he have a gerbil up his ass? You can get a gerbil in your ass. You can't get a finger to go and retrieve it. You can't relax and dig in your ass and go get a finger and pull that gerbil out. You can't get a pair of tweezers and go pull that gerbil out. Get out of here. How deep is your butt?

How deep is your butt? And how big is this gerbil? What's going on here? That should be the title of my book. How deep is your butt and where is this gerbil? How deep is your butt? How deep is your butt is where is this gerbil? How deep is your butt? How deep is your butt is like a good, if a porno film about the Bee Gees. He's trying to be serious.

How deep is your butt? It's one of those long form poems. It's like that Bee Gees song, How Deep Is Your Love? You can sing it. How deep is your butt? How does that one go? That would be like a good that would be like a good uh morning show bit you know you know one of those wacky morning shows a song parody instead of how deep is your love how deep is your butt how deep is your butt is your butt how deep is your butt? Is your butt? How deep is your butt?

What was that song about? How madly you fall in love? How deep is your love? Yeah. It was a Bee Gees song. It was a beautiful song. What was it about? I don't know.

How cute that us be. We belong to you and me. I don't know. It was a bunch of emotional shit. You know, what is it about, really? It's a bunch of lies all strewn together trying to get me to dance with emotion. And effectively, I feel like an ape. It makes 16-year-olds feel.

Yeah, it makes me feel like an ape. Have you seen that video, that Briona video? No, what is it the kid who's like doing a loves um telling his his dear bryona that he loves her so deeply he loves her bryona is his girlfriend oh okay in high school he's some 16 year old who looks like justin uh timberlake oh no poor kid yeah and he made a video you just see his heart getting just shattered in like three to six years. He's like, I love you more than all the sands and all the oceans. Oh, you poor kid. Oh, no, you didn't.

I love you more than I have, and I'll see you tomorrow. I guess I will. Poor son of a bitch. Yeah. Poor son of a bitch. Oh, you poor son of a bitch. It was so creepy, but so like, oh, fuck. Fuck, poor kid.

Yeah, I'm like, there, fuck. Fuck. Poor kid. Yeah. I'm like, there's in so much pain. Poor kid. God damn it. He's getting millions of hits and he loves it. Like, you can all see my love for her. Oh, God. Poor son of a bitch.

Aren't you glad there wasn't something like that around when you were 16 i would have definitely used it i would have definitely used it i would have done the grossest video of all time that'd be embarrassed this day i wrote a letter trying to get my girlfriend back when i was 21 that to this day i just cringe thinking about what a weak bitch i was to have written that i couldn't believe that I was capable of just being so sad and pathetic. She didn't want to have nothing to do with me. And then she immediately became unattracted to me. She was madly attracted to me when we first met.

But by the time she had dumped me, I had fucked up so bad. She didn't want to have nothing to do with me. I've done that too. Hilarious. It's so pathetic. It feels so gross. You're like, I can get her back. It's hilarious. Oh, it's so pathetic. It feels so gross. I can get her back.

It feels gross. Gross. And I didn't want her back, man. I was so sad about the whole thing. I didn't want to have anything to do with it. It's just, what had happened is like, you lose and then you try to get it back.

It's like, you're like, what did I lose here? I lost you. I want to get you back. You don't even know what you're doing. You're just acting on instinct. Your instinct is to try to reconnect. Can you do a bit about that?

Not really. You should. You should. I've gone through that. I'm like crying with laughter right now. Yeah. It's so funny. We've all done that

yeah we're all so embarrassed about it yep oh my god we're all so embarrassed about horrendous it's like our darkest secret i wrote to her to express my love and my my conviction to be with her to the end i wrote poetry oh god i don't even want to be honest about what i wrote because i'm hoping I don't remember it right. I'm hoping that I wasn't that much of a fucking loser. I'm, like, hoping that my disgusting and embarrassing memory is real distorted because I'm hard on myself. You were. But it's probably, like, worse.

You were a loser. Oh, way worse than a loser. I was a pathetic loser. Simone says those girls, he always imagines those girls getting his letter like that and then getting railed from behind by this other guy as they're reading it. What are you reading, Gunny? Nothing.

Some loser. That's hilarious. Oh, that's so true. And just you coming in and saying that and probably your heart broken. Yeah, that was a dark time for me. That was my transition from fighting to comedy. That was my first open mic year when I lived with this girl.

I was an idiot. I was completely lost. I didn't know what I was doing. It's so ridiculous. I was so weak. How heartbroken were you? Oh, not that bad, really. I got over it really quick.

But at the time, I was really weak. I was really weak and immature. I was just pathetic. And I hadn't learned everything I needed to learn about myself from competing. I had already kind of abandoned that and moved into uh stand-up comedy as like my number one uh thing to think about during the day and thing to focus my my energy on and i just wasn't that good yet i wasn't doing well i was like super insecure yeah and so when a chick like that dumps you right when you're already like super insecure you're like I don't want to look inwards

you're like fuck I am struggling here like this is hard I'm barely holding on lady but women sense weakness like that they don't want to hear that shit and it's they're right you know they sense they sense that you're being a weak bitch

and they're correct you're being a weak bitch why would you want to fuck you why would you drive me to being a weak bitch, and they're correct. You are. You're being a weak bitch. Why would you want to fuck you? Why would you drive me to be this weak bitch? You need to learn from those experiences. We don't want to have them, but we need them so that we know what to never do again. Look, if you didn't get taught by your dad how to behave in every situation and explain thoroughly, then you're going to wing that shit.

You're going to make a lot of mistakes. You're going to make a lot of mistakes. You're going to make a lot of mistakes. Yeah. Especially growing up. I went up to Bill Burr yesterday, and he came in, he popped in, but he only did like 10, 15 minutes when he does it. And it was like right when I was ready to go on, and then he went on. And I was like, oh, all right, I'm going to have to, I've got to sound

really natural here, you know, otherwise it's going to sound really good driving. It's like, it's alright, it's good for you. It gets you back

to that moment of like, just really talking. Right. It's like, you've got to learn from these things and move.

Like, any sort of bump anywhere. Yeah. Will get you to like, a better place. So,

he went in and bumped you? Is that what happened? Yeah, we had called in for tommy put him in for pop in he doesn't like to write him in for a spot right so he came in and so you just had to like adjust like you're gonna go on stage you get all ramped up and then yeah tommy just hadn't seen me that's all it's like oh i didn't see it was whatever when the light was on

so it's like you know you get your adrenaline just a little ready right right right right right all of a sudden it was like relieved and i was And then I was like, oh, and also you've got to follow somebody who's, like, a little, you know, you've got to get your P's and Q's dotted. Right. A little bit, you know. Right, when someone does well. You've got to be ready to go on. Yeah, for sure. In some sense it's fine.

Yeah. But in some sense you've got to be really, really ready or you're going to go down. Yeah, you can go down. Especially if the crowd's not your crowd. Yeah. Yeah, those are the battle shows. Yeah, nobody that knows me you know yeah battle shows are legit man yeah do you advertise when you're going to be at the

store sometimes sometimes if i remember i'll retweet them sometimes you don't want to or you you just want to fuck around i don't mind if people know no i don't mind if people know you should totally do it man i bet a lot of people would just come just to see you yeah they want to know what i am i put it on my website. It's updated to my widget on my website. So when I'm there like that week, it's those right there. That's AriTheGreat.com, right? AriTheGreat.com. Is there an AriShafeer.com already taken?

No, I have that too. You should have them linked to each other. Yeah, they're at the same place. Oh, okay. So if someone goes to AriShafeer.com, it goes to AriTheGreat.com. Yeah, I've never been able to decide which one I feel less douchey about. I like AriTheGreat. I thought it was cute. Thanks. Yeah, I go for cute.com it goes to ariethegreat.com I've never been able to decide which one I feel less douchey about. I like Ari the Great. I thought it was cute.

Thanks. Yeah, I go for cute. I hope people know I'm not like serious. Yeah, they're not. A lot of them aren't going to. Yeah. They're gonna, you know,

you can't pretend you're good at anything. He named himself Ari the Great. Yeah. That guy's an asshole. What an asshole. Yeah.

You can't name yourself anything, right? You're not a, like the rules of douche conduct, whenever you give yourself a nickname, Yeah. You can't name yourself anything, right? You're not a, like, the rules of douche conduct, whenever you give yourself a nickname, you know, hey, the machine never fails. Yeah. You know, dude, stop calling yourself the machine. Yeah.

Especially, it's names like the machine. And I feel bad because there's a lot of fighters that I really like, and then they call themselves machine. Yeah. There's a lot of them. There's only one machine. It's like, come on, silly. All of you, you're all silly.

You're all second best. And Chrysler's nickname is legit. Like, they gave it to him. Dude, it was amazing. I brought him up at one of those Ice House shows. And I was like, nice guys. And I gave one of his credits. And they all started, like, 20% of it started going, the Machine, Machine.

So it was like this hum in the going the machine machine so it's like this hum in the room of machine chance it was like cool yeah they love that dude he's a great guy he's so weird he's such a fun weird guy i love burt and i like that he's like you know he's a pretty genuine dude he tries to know, he explores his thoughts. When he talks to you about stuff, you can tell, like, he's a wild man, but he's thinking about shit, you know? Yeah. He's a fun dude. He was talking to me the other day about not wanting to, like, make sure, like, really sure he doesn't ever seem too good for anybody.

So he's going out of his way to, like, look people eye like on the counters or like he said he was having an ego problem he said on my podcast but we we never really completely elaborated on it i don't know if i guess if he wanted to he would have talked about it but i think basically what he was saying was that he just was taking himself a little too seriously lately or something yeah and he doesn't like it he caught himself more seriously than before. Yeah, he caught himself, like, you know, giving out his credits or something to somebody. Like, caught himself, like, telling somebody what he was doing or something. And noticing what that behavior was.

Yeah. And seeing other people. Yeah, noticing that it was, like, trying to impress someone. It wasn't, like, a real conversation, you know. And he thought, ooh, I don't want to be that guy. Yeah. I mean, I think we all know that feeling. You know, the feeling of wanting to say something impressive about ourself.

But it never works. Yeah. It's like the grossest thing of all time. I saw some young comic I know does that a lot. And I almost want to be like, dude, we'll find out. Yeah. You don't have to keep telling people. Everyone just counts it that way.

We'll find out when it's time. Yeah. I know you want to fit in. It's fine. Yeah. But you do. We'll find out the stuff when it's happening.

Yeah, it's like, let it unfold. Have a natural conversation. Let somebody ask you. Yeah. We'll take you seriously because you're speaking well. There's a comic

that will remain nameless. And the last time I saw him, it was so brutal that every time I see him, from now on, I'm going to avoid him. What, the name dropping, the credit dropping? Oh, it was brutality. It was, hey, what's up, man?

It's the way I like to, like when I see a comic, if I'm in the airport and say, let's say Reuben Paul's there. I see like Reuben Paul, or just as a random name, Mike Young, anybody. I see a comic that's a friend of mine. I'm like, what's up?

What's up? You shake hands. You give a hug. It's like fellow comrades. Yeah. Comrades are out there fighting the good fight. Out there doing the stand-up. I saw him next to Miles on a plane.

It was so much fun. Oh, yeah. It's awesome. I sat next to Norm MacDonald twice. Really? Randomly. Oh, yeah. Twice.

Two times on planes. It was awesome. They both could have been reality shows. They both could have been like the best reality show on television. I still remember that Norm Macdonald. He was talking that whole time in the airport in Vancouver about how he's quit cigarettes. He feels awesome. It's an amazing feeling. It's like he's done with that man and you don't understand. Yep. As soon as he lands we step out and he goes, well I'm going to go get a cigarette. Yeah. I don't remember if we dosed him.

Did we dose him on that plane? I don't know. You probably did. You sat next to him in first class. Yeah. Yeah. I don't believe that. I don't remember. You must have, right? Probably not. What? Especially since it was someplace where i couldn't have had me all right that's a good point yeah that's a good point

some dude keeps farting it's brutal really yeah this is like the third one this motherfucker's unleashed on us it's so rude farting on a plane is the rudest shit of all time but we've all done it so there it is you're like oh i would never do that but you're like what am i gonna do just It's so rude. Farting on a plane is the rudest shit of all time. But we've all done it. So there it is. And you're like, oh, I would never do that. But you're like, what am I going to do? Get up and go to the bathroom. It is life, ladies and gentlemen. At least it's not Tate, man.

Tate was ruthless. You don't understand, ladies and gentlemen. When we talked to you about the smell that used to come out of Tate's ass. It's not real. I'm not being real with you. It couldn't possibly have really happened the way I remember it happening.

Because if that was the case, he's dying. If that was the case, he was a toxic waste dump. I imagine it from above, in like, in like La Jolla, in that place.

It was insane. It was insane. I imagine people spreading, like, you know when you take a droplet of oil and drop it into water and the water just sort of separates out?

The people just in that area where the cloud was just moved away from it. I've caught some ruthless farts in my day. Ruthless farts. But nothing. I didn't even know what was possible. I didn't know. He's the Kobayashi of farts. If there was a fart contest, nobody's going to fuck with Tate Fletcher.

Especially if he's been lifting a lot, he's on a lot of protein powder. God damn, dude. Yeah. The Comedy Store in La Jolla. Yeah. Remember that? I could just tell you that name. Comedy Store in La Jolla.

You know exactly what I'm talking about. If you say it, I know exactly what you're talking about. Clearing people like a grenade. His fart was so bad folks it has become legend that we talk about for years this comedy starring la jolla incident oh nothing just 2006 the common area the waiting room in la jolla it's just this like area where everyone sort of hangs out the short fills up there's a bar there and tate opened up the gates of hell it was packed it was it was so bad that no one tried to be polite about it.

A woman just screamed out, oh, God. It was like tape was shedding in her mouth. She was witnessing a mini-Holocaust. The only thing that's even close was the one time Joey farted next to me in first class. There was one time Joey farted next to me in first class. And I was writing a thing about antidepressants and happy pills. And Joey, I saw him lean. And before I realized it was too late.

You know, when Joey leans to the side to open up a butt cheek. Like, that's when you know. I didn't realize what he was doing. They were like, no, you did not. And this woman behind me just screams, oh my God. It was so loud. It was so loud.

I am next to Joey with my shirt, my t-shirt over my nose. I'm tucked with my face under my shirt to try to protect me from the smell. And the woman just goes, Oh my God. It was an assault, man. It was an assault. I will tell you this.

It was so bad. It was so bad. It didn't even smell like a fart. It smelled like shit. Because you must be hurt and embarrassed at the same time. Like, oh no. There's shit in your nose. That's what it smelled like shit. Because you must be hurt and embarrassed at the same time. Like, oh, no. The shit in your nose. That's what it smelled like.

I will say this about Tate's Farts. I will say that once every year or so, in the wall of the comedy store, in that walkway behind the OR, a rat will die in the wall and rot. And the smell there will be of rotting flesh. The maggots eating away rotting flesh. And it smells so despicable. Tate's farts are worse than that. Just to put it in some form of context.

The revulsion you get is worse. Oh, he could unleash the gates of hell, man. It was really crazy. It was like it didn't even make sense. It was like, how can he do that? Protein shakes, bro. It's like when you see Michael Jordan jump. It's like, how can can he jump like that i can't jump like that how can he jump like that it's like that's what's like tate's farts are like shot of the speaks tate farts they're

these the michael jordan of farts if there was fart contest i put him up against anybody in the world if anybody wanted to get crazy and someone from another country, some Yugoslavian guy wants to get crazy and says he has the worst sports of all time. Yeah, you put Tate in. Yeah, you want to get killed? Fuck yeah, I put Tate in the box. I'd like to nominate

for the representative of the 12th district. I have to talk to Tate and see what his diet's been like. You know, it might be that whey protein stuff. You know, by the way, that doesn't happen.

He's not doing any grains. He's doing that thing. Oh, paleo, huh? Yeah. But whey protein is cows. Whey is actually cow. Oh, then he's okay with it. It's protein from milk.

Then he's okay with it. He said if you have to do anything, rice. But that's the only one that's allowed. I know. That gives people gas, apparently, whey protein sometimes. I don't know. It doesn't bother me. I like it.

You drink it? Yeah, I love whey protein. I like hemp protein, too. Hemp protein seems to be easier for my body to digest. I never have any gas issues. It goes down really quickly. So it's a very complete protein too.

Very good for you. No thank you. Oh yeah, I would totally like some water. Awful, Shafir. Are you kidding me? Thank you. Our flight attendant is a comedian herself. She tells us that she's quite dirty.

But she's not allowed to be dirty on the air. She's laughing. I didn't say anything wrong. She said easy tigers. She's made me laugh before. She's funny. I feel like I'm heckling her. I'm heckling her. Yeah.

I'm heckling her while she works. I don't mean to be... Yeah, that's probably the worst thing. Like, oh, sorry. I don't mean to be disrespectful. She's very nice. Sorry, my fault. So we're on our way to Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, to this crazy place called the River Creek Casino.

And the last time we were here, I had to yell at some girl for like 20 minutes. Some crazy broad. Oh, yeah. There's a video of it online. Yeah, for sure. She went right up to the front. Yeah, she was nuts. Wow. And you were just like, what are you doing?

She was nuts. It's sort of fun only when it's the moments where everyone is very clearly all against this one person. Yeah. And we can just let me handle it and talk to her. Well, it became fun. That's when it's okay yeah well you

as long as you can turn it into comedy just you gotta in that same situation not managed correctly could you could

fuck the whole show up you know yeah exactly and not everybody has an act that lends itself to ad-libbing

you and I are both fortunate that our ads our acts rather lend themselves yeah we talk like ourselves talk like ourselves in some other context we can address anything we can address what are you doing why are you yelling to ad-libbing. You and I are both fortunate that our ads, our acts rather, lend themselves. Yeah, we talk like ourselves. We can go out and talk like ourselves in some other context.

We can address anything. We can address, what are you doing? Why are you yelling? We can address people. But some people are in character. You know, like if you're doing

like an Emo Phillips thing and you have to break character to tell a guy, hey man, stop fucking yelling shit. You know, like you're annoying and then you gotta like

re-get back into the groove. I can just say, oh, to get back to what I was talking about. And then you're back in. Yeah, yeah. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

They want to hear it. They're really talking to you guys. Yeah, but they're here. They're paid to hear it. Yeah. You know, it was really interesting talking to Bobcat Goldthwait. He was on the podcast this week. And Bobcat was talking about how he had to eventually drop the act.

The Bobcat act, the screaming. Yeah. And he, like, goes into it a little bit while we're on the podcast, like as a joke. Yeah. You know, he kind of goes into it. But he had to drop it. But he dropped it in performing, and he said it actually, like, probably hurt his ticket sales. I bet it was artistically confusing after a while.

I think for him it was just like after a while, it's like, he was trapped. He didn't want to feel trapped. You know? And he's a really funny guy on his own. And it's just one of those things where, you know, like, if a guy can be funny

in a character, that guy can be funny on his own. That guy's just funny. He's only writing for this thing. Yeah, he's funny. Period.

And Bobcat, clearly, is funny. So it's like, he just had to take that chance and then make that leap but once he did you know i'm sure he's much happier comedian in maryland about uh he's like we're talking about writing new material right and he goes but you know like what did i do this old stuff i keep coming up with new tags for it right and my theory is yeah that's true but if you had new stuff you

would place that creative energy on doing the new stuff so the same way if you have a character and you're placing all your creative energy on that if you just stop doing it place that creative energy on doing the new stuff. So the same way, if you have a character and you're placing all your creative energy on that, if you just stop doing it, your creative energy comes out just in a different manifestation. Right, right, right. You know? On the new, your own act. Yeah. That guy's funny.

He did my storyteller show twice. He was funny both times. Bobcat. Bobcat's funny, man. Yeah. He was really good on the podcast. He was really good on the podcast. He's got a surprising amount of, like, pent-up rage, pent-up anger at bullies and assholes.

That's a lot of what his new movie is about. It's about God bless America. It's about a guy who finds out he has terminal brain cancer and just goes on a killing spree. And brings some young girl with him and they just kill only assholes. I downloaded World's Greatest Dad because I heard he directed it. Yeah, I was. I thought it was Robin Williams. I was like, there's no way I'm going to enjoy this.

But then I found out he directed it. I was like, you know what, maybe I'll see if it's any good. I didn't watch it yet. I heard it's pretty good. I've heard from a lot of people it's really good. And he actually said that's probably his strongest movie. Really? Yeah, he said it's stronger.'s really honest man i really enjoyed talking

to him like really like it seemed like he had like some wild moments when he was younger did a lot of shit like like the tonight show stage on fire and you know did a lot of crazy i was like yeah you're 26 yeah but he's like whatever who cares he's a good dude man i really enjoyed uh having a conversation with him and it was really cool hearing that he listened to the podcast. He was like, yeah, no, I listen. Like, I was trying to explain to him the commercials and everything like that. He's like, yeah, no, I listen. I was like, wow, Bobcat listens to the podcast.

He's like, to me, that's just like, it was just, I don't know. It was like a geek out moment. I was trying not to be a dork. But I wanted to say that's. When you love police academies. Well, I didn't love police academy. I loved his stand up. I loved Meet Bob. was uh like one of his first cds that i bought i'd seen him on hbo and he used to do the comic relief specials and he's a funny motherfucker man he was a really

good stand-up and he was a boston guy oh really yeah and boston is always we all no he was before me i didn't know him but uh boston is like, you're loyal to other Boston comedians. Wow, that cloud looks like a Scottish terrier. What's that? That cloud looks like a Scottish terrier. Oh, my God. You're tripping, kid. Oh, really?

Yeah. Wow. Like, when we were living in Boston, everybody was super proud that all these great comics had come out of Boston. You know? The scene is ravaged now. It's dead. Well, not totally dead.

I'm sure there's there's that Chinatown thing or excuse me that Cambridge Chinese restaurant I think it was ebbs and flows

and every scene perks up and goes away and everyone comes out you need a club if like someone like this is what would jolt Boston back into life if someone like

Wendy from Denver if Wendy decided to go open up a comedy works in Boston. Boom. Yeah, there needs to be a club there. Yeah, a chick like her. If she could do it and still keep her brain together, I think it's hard for her to run two clubs in Denver. Yeah.

I know I have a lot of fans there, but it's like there's no size that we can sort of get you into now. Yeah. It's an in-between. Yeah. Yeah. Boston is an in-between. Yeah. Yeah. Boston is a weird place. It used to be the greatest comedy community in the world. I just remember seeing a guy

smiling walking down the street. I was there with you one time with the Wilbur. Walking down the street smiling, just bloody, just dripping blood from his face. And just like, it's like they were like, oh yeah yeah let's go get pizza now like it was just like totally

you know Saturday whatever yeah happy that they got in a fight human dogs just animals it's a crazy place to grow up it's weird how

if you see someone like Bobcat or whatever like once you see them as any sort of celebrity you put them in a place in your head as they do something like they're the guy

who lights the tonight show stay on fire and you're like well that's who they are but then you're like you realize as a human it's like you're just someone who's you know 26 and then at some point you're like 46 yeah and that's totally not you anymore yeah but you're stuck with like all these things are my my i don't know my body of work that's yeah especially today with you know recordings of it yeah if you're a guy like Bobcat and you did all this on television, it's hard.

People are just going to label you. They're going to stick you in that little box. You are the guy who performed those things X amount of years ago. Well, you're barely the guy you were yesterday. I feel bad for those people who get stuck doing a routine or doing stuff like that because now you've got success in it. Now you can't really just start over because you have success with this thing. It's way harder to do what you want when you're getting paid.

I talked to, what's his name, Dat Fan once. And he has filthy thoughts. But he can't express any of those on stage. He's like, I have a family audience. That's terrible. I cannot talk about those things. That's terrible. That's a trap.

They don't want to hear it. Then he's forced into it. You're holding back a part of yourself. There's some guys that do it because they like to do it that way. Like Brian Regan. Brian Regan is family friendly, but that's just his act. That's just how he does it. You never notice it. He's not compromising at all.

Gaffigan is another one. He's not compromising at all. There's a bona fide, 100% badass comedian. You know, just stuff is clean. Also, that's the level of things they find funny. I mean, it's good stuff, man. Gaffigan's really funny, man. He was great on the podcast.

He's really, like, witty and off the cuff and very smart. Really funny guy, man. I enjoyed that. He's not a dick at all. Do you think the podcast is making you a fan of more people? Oh, yeah, definitely. Yeah, getting to know more people, too, and getting to know them in a way that you can't escape. And the little weird things that people do comes out.

You see it. Not everybody holds up to pressure that well. Yeah. A lot of guys you get on the podcast and they, somewhere along the line, that douche comes out of them, you know? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. It's kind of obvious. And they're like, they lose fans because of it sometimes.

Because a douche comes out of them? Yeah. Yeah, people get mad at them. Yeah. It's tough it's tough you know doing something where you're exposing yourself like you know oh yeah you have to become like well this is what it says yeah it sort of rewards honesty yeah so it's just like just just talk it's fine yeah who cares everyone likes it if you're just cool they forgive you if you're talking about bad things you've done. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. It's like confessional. It's fine. You're just going to let it go. Yeah. But like, booking that storyteller show, I've become like a fan of more comics. Just when I'm like, oh, do you have one? And you see them, like, so-and-soing really good.

I'm like, oh, yeah, you're a funny guy. There's a lot of good comics out there. There's a bunch funny comedians this is a good time for comedy a lot of them yeah and you're like oh i used to fight i used to want to be like i'm the best one i'm the but then it's like no no we're all just really fun and we're all together we're all just trying to make fun jokes yeah you can't that that best is a trap man yeah you got to be the best that you can be and do the best work that you can do and always try to have good shows and everything like that but it's like hey i like the way you came with that joke that's really cool yeah it's my my act and my my whole attitude towards comedy became immeasurably better when i got to choose who i could take on the road

with me and i only brought really funny people and my friends. Just people we just killed. And all our shows are fun shows. Yeah. You know? When was the last time we ever had a bad show? Yeah, just have a good time. Yeah, we've had like midnight shows in Vegas where people were too drunk. But those shows are just gross. They don't know each other.

So it becomes like a sort of they feel it's like a together show. Yeah. It's like good level, but like together level. Exactly. Chemistry of like the introductions. Yeah, exactly. Become like a fun part they you know yeah you don't have to there's no weirdness man one of the weirdest things ever is

when you share the stage with some guy and you don't particularly like his act and you don't really want to hang out with them but you're just working together for the weekend and yeah yeah that's not both ways yeah or something to work with at the riv used to work with, there was like just no ones that were going nowhere. They've been around on the way down. The weakest shit is when dudes bring bad acts with them on purpose. Just so they can follow it? Yeah, just to make them look like heroes. Yeah.

And we don't have to mention any names, but we both know dudes who do that. You know who you are. You know who you are. You know who you are. They just take super scrubs. Not just scrubs, but unmanageable scrubs. Like, you know, like trying to drain the river with a teacup scrubs. Like, this is never going to work. Yeah.

I get pleasantly surprised once in a while with, like, one of the two, either a feature or MC. They'll be like, oh, that's not bad. Oh, yeah. I like that. Well, hey, man, I met Tom Segura that way. And I tried to say, oh, yeah, on that Real Men Have Comedy Tour, right? Yeah. Was that there?

Every week we had... And somebody else, too. Different places. Who else? Oh, Heffron, of course, obviously. But every week we had different... Somebody in Tempe or something. Somebody in Tempe.

With, like, blonde hair. Oh, Josh. Josh McDermott. Josh McDermott, yeah. No, Josh McDermott we actually met. He was doing a comedy competition there. He was doing, like, some sort of a comedy competition in Phoenix. Yeah.

I knew him there early. Yeah. That was different. That was different. That was another Joey Diaz extravaganza. Where Joey vanished, so he brought in Josh McDermott to MC. Kid, you're in. Yeah, kid, you're in.

That's exactly what happened. I met that kid from yesterday. He was good. Tell him, yeah. Yeah, exactly. That's what we did. Yeah. That was the dark years of Joey.

But I love Joey so much that I started taking two people on the road with me just in case Joey flakes just in case yeah you needed a parachute yeah Joey you needed a ticket and a parachute most people don't take two people on the road

that's the only reason I started going on the road with you it's cause cause Joey flakes so much well thanks guys three people is fun

you know yeah I don't I don't mind doing three sometimes three person shows yeah like when we did Atlanta, three is cool. Chicago, three is cool.

But sometimes it's cool to let you ring it out and go up there and go long. And then I'll go up there and go long too and just have fun. Yeah, where it's like, it's okay, just let it go. Yeah, it's two people. You can do longer sets. The problem is the more you do longer sets, the more you get used to it. And then, you can do like longer sets. The problem is, the more you do longer sets, the more you get used to it.

Yeah. And then you want to do a little bit more. Yep. Yep. And it's hard to like, you're setting up the later stuff. There's a bunch of guys, like Callan,

that's what I'm hearing. People like Callan, people like me, people like, I don't know who else, but, are helping to tell these club owners, like,

no, no, I'm not doing 40. I'm going to do an hour. Right. So, like, you can't,

like, I'm going to give them a show, so I don't know, then'm not doing 40. I'm going to do an hour. Right, right. So, like, you can't, like, I'm going to give them the show, so I don't know, then drop your checks later or do whatever it is. Yeah, yeah. But just know that's going to be at least an hour. Yeah.

40 is not enough. The improvs are the ones that have a problem with that. They're always trying to get you to end early. It's the managers. I'm like, I'll let you know right now. It won't be less than an hour.

I tell them always, well, they're like, well, the show's going to run long. Well, guess what? Then the show's going to run long. These people paid money to see me. I'm not giving them a 40 minute show yeah yeah exactly that seems so short but yeah they're getting it now they're like okay yeah well once you have an audience

if you're one of those dudes that's brought in for the weekend you know and you you could be interchangeable hired gun well there's a lot of those guys that like to fill in headliners that really they don't draw, and they'll do radio, but they won't do that well. I bet one or two out of a hundred of those guys are fucking awesome comics.

Maybe. And they just make their living. Maybe. Just getting by doing the stuff they want to do because they make it funny enough. Well, you know James Inman. He's really funny. James Inman?

He doesn't really get booked that much. Where's he from? I've heard of him before. Portland? No, Kansas City oh yeah i was just there they mentioned him yeah he's crazy he's crazy in a weird way really yeah he did some town hall meeting where he read this like long comedy diatribe yeah it's really funny yeah he's a wild dude but he's one of those guys it's like i don't know how well he's doing on the road. You know, I don't know if he can sell out a weekend in a club. Certain rooms, just come be funny for 40 minutes. Yeah.

That's all we care about. Yeah, there's places. We like you, so we'll hire you, but just come be funny for 40 minutes. Especially the smaller clubs. Like, Ice House is sort of a smaller club. Yeah, they kind of do shows like that. They get headliners that aren't, you know, they may not be big enough for a 600-seater

like Phoenix, but they're good for that club. That's why they're really good, too. Like, Capoeira, on his way up, was doing that.

They were like, we know you'll do really well. Right, right, right. So we'll have you. He's another guy who's relatively clean, but not intentionally.

Yeah, it's just who he is. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, if that's what your kind of comedy is, it's the kind of art form you're trying to craft, there ain't nothing wrong with that at all, man. I always said that I really admire Jerry Seinfeld as a craftsman, as a stand-up comic,

but as a guy, a crafter of jokes. I wouldn't do it that way. It's not my style, but I always admire what he did. I think he's uh i think he's got an amazing ability to craft a joke it's just not my style yeah where are you gonna be i started trying to say this somewhere in the middle what's that where are you gonna be coming up where am i gonna be My next gig's. I don't even have much booked. Really?

Yeah, I've got something in Calgary. I'm doing a night for the UFC. What are you doing that weekend? That is Shroomfest week. Hmm. So you're going to have shows? No. You're just going to be shrooming out the whole week?

No, but I have to pick one solid day to do it. I'd probably do it on a Monday. Do you want to go to Calgary? Maybe, yeah, that might be okay. That's that place we went to where they had to bring people on stage? Oh yeah, that was that place? Yeah, we already sold out one show, and the second show's almost sold out now. Really? Yeah. Yeah, I would go to that. Yeah, dude, that's going to be crazy.

That's like, um... That's one of those places, that's a long time ago. That was like two years ago. It's going to be like 4,000 people. What? Yeah. I'm sorry. That was like two years ago. It's going to be like 4,000 people. What? Yeah. Sorry. Yeah, two shows. Wow.

Awesome theater, too, man. The place is amazing. The first show sold out so quick. Really? Yeah. They just went and we... We went and put a second theater show in. That's when I went to Edmonton last time. Yeah.

I was like, go to Calgary. What are you doing? I wish I could bring Joey Diaz, man. Yeah. I wish I could get him into Canada. I'm thinking of dressing him up like Santa Claus. Stole him away with the cows and stuff in the back.

Push him through. Crazy animals. You know, I mean, he did some shit a long time ago, but he's a good guy now. It's so funny, though. People are like, stupid DUI laws. You're like, oh, no, no. Oh, no, these are major felonies. DUI.

No. Get out of here. Unless DUI means kidnapping at machine gun point. Okay, it's overblown. I needed to get his hook stash to steal. So I had to guide him from house to house with machine gun at him. Joey Diaz was so crazy. He's the greatest.

Such a fun guy to have around. You know, it's like the longest... He was ostracized in the comedy world. I used to get shit about taking him on the road with me. Clubs didn't want him. My agent, one of my agents didn't like him, didn't think he was funny. Didn't what? Didn't think he was funny.

Oh, really? Yeah. Oh. Yeah. yeah man if they want to see someone's not funny they're just gonna see it well they just didn't know what to do with them they didn't know how to market them the internet wasn't available back then there was no internet there was an internet but there was no internet in terms of like the use of it today to make someone famous so there was no one ever envisioned anything like the podcast coming along where someone could really see the real Joey Diaz.

You always thought of how are you going to use this dirty guy? You're not going to be able to put his stand-up on television because he doesn't have any clean jokes. Everything is about his muffler, his Cuban egg roll, his ball sack. Everything is about some disgusting body part, and everything is hilarious. But it's like none of it could be on TV. So they were all like, you're wasting your time.

Why are you hanging out with this idiot? Why are you bringing this idiot on the road with you? It was really frustrating. It was annoying. I think I might be in Montreal that week. Oh, no. I've got to see. Do you have your calendar on you?

Yeah. Do you really put your phone in that thing? He puts his phone. Yeah, that's like you're asking to forget that thing. I'm not in my best frame of mind. No, you're not. I hear you. It's a lie.

Do you know what week it is? Oh, it would be. No, it would be right after that. Yeah, I could do is? Oh, it would be... No, it would be right after that. Yeah, I could do that. Oh, beautiful. Well, there you go, ladies and gentlemen. I might just have to go. It's a podcast exclusive.

When are we going on Friday? We're breaking the news. I'm going to do Rogan 100 News. Has that been taken? Rogan 100 News? I would totally rip Howard Stern off. Would you imagine how fucking mad he would be if I started doing Rogan 100 news? What a douche move that would be on my part.

But this new studio space that we're moving into, we're going to have a real professional setup. So if you ever have something that you want to do, like if you have a guest that's like a special guest, someone really interesting, when you really want to sit down with them in a nice environment you're welcome to use the studio space i want to have it set up so it's um remote controlled high def cameras um all of it the i'm going to set it up the best way possible so all of it is done the right way i'm going to you know talk to like real professional video stream guys. I think I might even hire Justin from the Action Report to set it up for me. Yeah, he's done the Action Report really well.

Yeah, he's a bad motherfucker. He knows what he's doing when it comes to video streaming. He does it on pay-per-view. So I might hire him, and I think he could use the shekels to come down and set up my system and put the whole thing running. And then I'm getting custom-made furniture put in, you know, have the whole place set up as cool-looking and as comfortable as possible, completely soundproof, and really have it like what it could be. You know, it's like this thing obviously has a life of its own, and I'm obligated to take care of this. And I don't feel like I'm doing my best to take care of it

if I keep doing these stupid little webcams and it's not evolving. The way it is in the Ice House shows me that, well, that's one level. We can take it to another level at the studio and have it set up, have the studio set up so that it's whatever we really want. We want a waiting room where people can sit, like friends of people on the show can sit and not interrupt. You should get a green screen where people can use it if they want to go down there and film something crazy.

Sure, absolutely. We've got plenty of room for that. People have ideas, but the one thing that always held all of us back, at least at the store, was we don't have access to directors and people who know how to shoot those real. Well, you know what we could do. But now everybody does. We could have Joey Diaz in space. We could have Joey Diaz in space. We could have Joey Diaz standing in front of a green screen.

Yeah. And then Joey Diaz gets, and this is the best part, we paint his balls and his dick green. Paint it up like an alligator, like an art park. No, no, no, green so that in the green screen it doesn't show up you see like stars where his balls and his dick are and it moves around

yeah like that swings yeah so it's sort of like a loophole it's the absence of cock that makes you think about cock

and we could have a rant so he could do a rant on the green screen Joey Diaz in space that's in cocksuckers it's Joey Diaz in space. That's in cocksuckers. It's Joey Diaz in space. See that black spot? The space spot.

Keep swinging back and forth. There's plenty of room in those photos that I showed you. A 40 second rant. I could pull a screen down there. Easy. Right? Yeah. A big green screen. Yeah. I'll get someone to do it later.

That's what I should totally do. I should talk to Anthony Cumia, too, because Anthony does green screen behind him all the time. He's upstairs. Live at the compound. Yeah, that stuff. You can set it up separately. Also, I could set it up right on the wall right there, that cement wall. I could just paint that whole wall green.

Yeah, you could do that. Yeah. I could paint that whole cement wall green. That'd be a real cool creative thing to do. Yeah. And then while we're there, that's the window to the world. You know what I'll do?

I'll frame it like a window and make it like space. When are you going to release this? As soon as possible. All right, then I'll send you some dates.

Yeah, send you dates. I'm going to be at Cobbs in San Francisco June 13th. Dude, I think it's so awesome that you're say some dates. Yeah, say your dates. I'm going to be at Cobb's in San Francisco June 13th. Dude, I think it's so awesome that you're headlining there. Yeah,

I'm really excited. That's like you've made it. Yeah, I'm really excited about that. That's like you've made it, man. I mean, that's an A room.

That's a real A room. What's the date? It's June 13th. It's one night at Cobb's. What day is that? It's a Wednesday. Well, let's make sure

that you come on the podcast the day before and let's blow that fucker out Wednesday. Well, let's make sure that you come on the podcast the day before, and let's blow that fucker out of the water. Let's make sure that Tuesday... What day is it again? It's Wednesday, June 13th. June 13th. This coming Wednesday?

No, no, no. Next Wednesday. Yeah, next Wednesday. Okay. Yeah. Let's make sure that Wednesday we... So the gig is on Wednesday. We should make sure that that Tuesday we really blow it out.

All right. Make sure we pack that place. That's huge, man. That's a nice club. That's a real club. Yeah, I'm really excited about that. It's just one of those cool cities, like a known to be cool city. Well, it's the same thing with Joey.

It's the same thing with you. It's like it's hard when you're not a clean comic. It's hard to get credits. And if you don't get credits, it's hard to get booked. This thing has just changed everything. I was with you in Vegas and started laughing about how ridiculous it all was now. Yeah. I was like, oh, it's all just going better now just because of this thing where it didn't.

Yeah. You don't have to go in the same system. Our whole life has changed, man. In the last two years, we've gone from touring and doing well and everything to being a part of a wave. It's like some some crazy like movement of cool people like fun movement of fun people

yeah and everybody's growing from it everybody's growing these little conflicts like the Brian Duncan thing you know

with those things now sometimes I hear something out and I'm like oh yeah but like this guy did this to me like okay

and you're like at some point like dude honestly I just don't care either way if you're right honestly, I just don't care either way. If you're right or wrong, I just don't care. There's neither guy is innocent. Neither guy is innocent.

And, you know, both of them really should sit down and figure out why they're so mad at each other. You're just fighting. It's just no fun at all. No, it's not necessary. And they're both good guys. I love them both. You know. It's a weird thing, man.

It's weird having an employee, first of all. That's getting bored by conflict after a while. Yeah, how is that, having an employee? It's a pain in the ass, man. Nobody wants to be an employee. He doesn't, and he's my friend. My web girl, Jane, we were trying to get my stuff up online

for the t-shirts to sell, and it took like forever. And we're just back and forth. And she was like, okay, I need to know this. And I'd take like three days to write back. Right. And then I'd write it back. And she'd take four days to write back to that.

And she was like, dude, we're two stoners just trying to get through it. And we did it. We got through it. That's funny. Yeah. I started selling grinders too. That's a good move yeah I just bought this

titanium one it's amazing you get them all on Amazon man really everything's on Amazon now I don't buy anything outside of Amazon

do you have the keef catcher and stuff do you have to keep catching it do you have the keef catcher yeah it's got the whole deal wow a little

do you take that stuff out later? I'm always torn on that. I know. Whether it's actually just making each joint a little weaker. I'm getting plenty high enough. Right.

I'm never worried about not being high enough. I'm never like, man. Dude, when I smoke hash, though, I get high like the movie's high. I bet you do. I get like giggly and like, whoa.

Like I get. Yeah, the podcast just ends abruptly like that not sure what happened but anyways this episode of the joe rogan podcast on a plane experience was brought to you by the fleshlight the number one sex toy for men uh just go to joe rogan's website click on the fleshlight link and type in the code rogan during checkout and save yourself 15% off of Fleshlight. And don't forget Onnit, same thing. Use the coupon code ROGAN and save yourself 10%. Just go to Joe Rinn's website and click on the Onnit logo on the left side or go to Onnit's website, O-N-N-I-T, and save yourself some money.

Thank you for listening. Goodbye. you