The Joe Rogan Experience - #233 - Jim Norton

Episode Date: June 28, 2012

Joe sits down with Jim Norton.

Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night! All day! My pal, stand-up comedian, extraordinaire, and mixed martial arts fanatic, Jimmy Norton. Thank you, Joe. Well, Jimmy, you were like,

Joe, son of a, what's going on with that? I can't wait till that fucking fight, dude. I can't wait. I know, it's gonna be crazy. To be there live while that's happening and to get to call it, I got chills just thinking about it. You have a great job, man. It's the best job of all time. Yeah, it's amazing.

It's amazing that it exists. I mean, when I first started doing – me and Data White have talked about this a bunch of times. We first started working for the UFC, and you would tell people that you're involved in it. It's almost like you're talking about porn. Right. Like, that's what cage fighting was like. And now it is this, like, incredibly mainstream thing. It's really interesting.

It's an embarrassing thing for New York, too, that it's not legal there. And we all know other nonsense is going on, but it's embarrassing for New York. It makes New York look like this irrelevant, old-thinking place. And the more boxing, and I watch boxing, it's a great sport, but I can't enjoy anything

like I enjoy the UFC. It's really weird. People get mad at me on ONA because I'm such a fucking whore for this, but it's like, I don't want to hear about baseball because a lot of baseball players I've met have been dicks. A lot of football players have been dicks, but all the UFC guys are great.

I haven't met any of them that were assholes. I've met most of the big ones. Every one of them is nice to the fans and is nice to us when they come in. Well, I've always said that people, you know, I think every man needs to learn at least something about martial arts and something about how to defend yourself to get that sort of chimpanzee bullshit out of your system that makes most men become dicks. I think a lot of people are dicks simply because they're frustrated physically. Like their body feels physically confined by its inaction,

confined by the stress of everyday life and having to pay bills and just shit is always built up inside of you. If you don't do something to blow that out physically and balance your body back, I think you can have

a hard time in this life and you can overreact to people. You could maybe already be at a five and this guy says something and you crank it up to eight and you come off yourself feeling like a dick. Like, why did I do that? What the fuck?

Right. But you realize what it is is you're already wound up. You don't even realize it. You're going through life wound up. Right. Something like martial arts can get that out of your system. Colin told me I'm a fucking car gangster because I talk so much shit in the car, but I'm very reasonable.

When somebody is 6'3", he's like, you're a car gangster. Colin is so fucking funny. He really is the fucking funniest guy alive. He is so funny. He's such a treasure. He's one of those guys that you have to experience him live, too, to get the full effect of his comedy.

When he did Tough Crowd, I never got a chance to see him live that much because I was already living in L.A. Right. And he was almost always in New York. But when we did Tough Crowd, he would go up and do stand-up to the audience. I was like, God, I forgot how funny he is. I was on with you. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. We did it together. I don't know who else was on. I don't remember. He was so funny, though. My God. He just, because, and here's the thing with colin that's amazing it's like he never gets angry at the audience for not going with him and i'm like he just he addresses it all right folks

and he just plow but he doesn't and louis in a weird way the same way like they throw out what they throw out and they don't react emotionally they allow the audience to have their own emotion and that's a weakness in my performance is i try to fucking i bring the emotion and it's just like you did it all for us stupid stop having no faith in the words that's what i'm saying to myself it's it's sort of a cross me there's a fine line between like um i would hear that jay leno would go and work out his monologue and he would do it flat right and he did it on purpose that way like we would work it out the comedy magic club he would do it flat. And he did it on purpose that way like we would work it out at the Comedy and Magic Club. He would do those jokes on purpose flat

because he didn't want to have to jazz them up. He wanted to find out if the concept on its own is good. And from there you can jazz it up. But that's a gross feeling when you're trying to jazz something up sort of artificially. Yeah, I prefer to work out material the same way. I mean that's what a pompous ass

comic would say but I really do it at seller with no energy completely deadpan and just see how the words work without with it because you don't want to get a laugh going um whatever face you make like like a fucking wry look you want it to be funny because it's funny but it's hard to do that because uh it bombs a lot of the time how do you write do you write your material like do you like get an idea and say all right and we sit down and think of how i would put this idea to the audience or do you do you write like blogs and pull your jokes out of it no i just want a lot of guys do it i just go on like because i'm at the cellar every night so i went on like with travolta like i just shot this special and i was like, all right, I'm done with that fucking hour so I want to start over

because doing that material again is repulsive to me. I never want to say those words again. I fucking hate it. I'm sick of watching it. I've hated it. So now I want to do

something else. So thank God Travolta had all this malarkey happen. So I just went on and started talking about Travolta and trying to grab guys' cocks to the thing

and I had fun with it and I kind of built it up. I was waiting to hear what your take on it would be as soon as I saw it in the news. I said, I would love to talk to Jimmy about how he feels about this because on one hand, you've got to say, okay, there's got to be a lot of guys who just sucked his dick because if he was doing it that often, if he was pulling it out that often on these masseuses,

I bet it's probably because there's a bunch of them who jumped on that grenade. Do you know how many? So whose fault is that, really? I don't fault him. I believe them, though. Because the language, like I believe the one who accused Al Gore. Because the language they use is language I've used. Like when they said that Al Gore, like the woman said that he said,

could you rub my receptors or whatever? I'm like, oh, that's a typical fucking perv move. You use a literal and appropriate language. So they can accuse you of trying to get, you know, excuse me.

Would you, would you mind rubbing my chakras? You know, and we both know what I'm saying, but she can't get mad at you. So it's a way to suck my peeper. Your peeper. When I was a kid, my dad always said, Hey, that's your, your peeper. Every time I was saying, but she can't get mad at you. That's hilarious. Suck my peeper. That's what I use. When I was a kid, my dad always said, that's your peeper. Every time I was like, what's this?

And then it was like I was in fifth grade, and people were like, what are you talking about? You should probably avoid saying suck my peeper. Because I think that would be easy to decipher. I don't think you'd have to call in the fucking guys who broke the Jap code in World War II to figure out what a peeper is.

Well, your honor, we can't say for sure it was his penis. Yeah, suck my peeper. It was very ambiguous. It could mean anything. But I still use it now. You know, I use it with girls.

Do you really? It's creepy for some reason. Whoa. Yeah, that's really great too. You're playing with your nipples and you look down and just tell her to kiss your peeper.

Yeah, exactly. That's even creepier and more childlike. Kiss my peeper. I call those niddles. Yeah, kiss me peeper. My peeper's in my niddles i know i never use words i never ask i'm like i do this silent and it's funny i was gonna do some of this on leno tonight but i just said i i had to bail on a little bit because i was on with uh justin bieber it was all fucking 15 year

old girls and i'm like what they've never gotten a happy ending massage um so i kind of bailed on a massage travolta mature i didn't do any it. That's a good move because you probably saved the minds of all those different 15 year old kids from the creepy ideas you have that are based on truth. Yes. But all of a sudden they're going to be driving by these massage powers going, which one of these jerk you off? Daddy, does that one jerk guys

off? Or even worse, they're going to put on Pulp Fiction and go, wow, he grabbed the penis and then a couple of minutes later grabbed the scrotum. I wish I would have committed to the Travolta stuff. I'm kind of mad at myself that I went away from it and I just went into something else. Did you see what Letterman did

to Bieber the other, last week? I heard it was uncomfortable. Yeah, that was really uncomfortable. What was uncomfortable? What happened? We could probably show it, but he got a new tattoo and then Letterman was kind of acting weird

and then tried to grab his tattoo and he had just got it done so it was like bloody and stuff. And he wouldn't, he was, and Bieber was like, no, stop. Ow, ow no stop ow ow stop stop stop but he wouldn't stop for like that extra second and and then it was just like uh like he beaver mispronounced something and then he's like yeah that's canadian high school for you but the whole attitude of the whole thing seemed very uncomfortable sistine chapel yeah the crowd was the crowd with him were they cool i don't know man we could watch it if you want to. I'll find out.

I'm curious. What was the problem he had with him? He didn't want to be interviewing Justin Bieber? Is that what it was? I don't know, man. I think he was just trying to act like the old man, the old grumpy dad. He just had a weird vibe. Sometimes, man,

you don't jibe with someone. You don't realize it until you're out there talking to them, but you're fighting for your life. You don't know how to get off a conversation. And, you know, as comics, I mean, we've all gone for something that was just ridiculous in hindsight. Right. But in the moment, you know, you think, man, it would be funny if I grab his tattoo and just fucking hold on to the little fuck. Yeah, but then it just gets crickets and you're like, I got to let go and come back to my seat with no laugh.

Oof. And think, like who, like what does he do? Does he try to get inside the mindset of a Justin Bieber? Who is further for Justin Bieber

than David Letterman on the human spectrum in the United States of America? I mean, he's pretty fucking goddamn far apart. But he probably doesn't even think of it.

He probably just does what he wants to do without fear of it not working. That's why Letterman's good. He probably is not afraid that it's not gonna work. Yeah, it just gives it a shot. I was worried though though i mean uh it's like 20 years of stand-up finally i was able to adjust and make it a decent appearance but it was like that could have been fucking death it could because leno as we went

to break it was oh you did better than i thought you'd do which made me kind of laugh i thought it was very funny yeah that's i've done those shows at the improv before where they have some sort of a high school tour and you look out there and at the improv and a professional show you look out there's 14 and 15 year old kids you're like what's going on here yeah what am i gonna do yeah ari went up and went extra dirty it was ridiculous ari went up and i was like did you go extra dirty for those kids he goes, kind of. Did it work? Oh, yeah.

Are you kidding me? Yeah, I mean, people were freaking out. I mean, you're literally talking about the first time a kid has ever heard anything remotely like that. You know, I mean, when you're 13 and 14, especially when we did these shows, it was a few years back. You know, I don't know how many kids were getting online but to see I mean to watch comedy online

but to see it like live in person like that and hear it they had never experienced anything like a stand up comic doing a dirty act in a nightclub in Hollywood

like they were blown away it was crazy well these were all girls 15 year old girls 16 year old girls there were girls in front of him too that creepy fuck.

Screaming. It's uncomfortable. You're like, I'll never know what that's like. Jay actually made them do it for me. Because, yeah, you all do promos. You all go stand there. So the three of us were standing there with Leno at the end, just doing the promo to the news channels.

And he goes, just give a scream for Jim. So he made all the girls scream for me. And it felt nice. Was it nice? Yeah, man, just for once. I mean, I knew it wasn't sincere. i enjoyed it for the moment it was nice here's the uh the letterman bieber thing okay from tmz.com explain this to me is that a new tattoo this is a new tattoo oh god how many do you have i have a cup just a couple well tell me that's the last one it might be no no it is you don't I mean

honestly what it like how does that help how does that help how you look to have a tattoo how does it not I mean it doesn't not help the way I look at just expressing yesterday my album came out as a day for me so you know I got believe hey hey hey hey hey this is a brand new that was awesome those hilarious you know what you did just then you went hey hey hey hey yeah canate that's the Canadian but now that's funny mom can't be pleased with the tattoos mom you know she does mom have a tattoo she does no i don't think so does dad have a tattoo yeah oh do me a favor don't go nuts you know what i mean because more and more you see like the mural and the like the sistine chapel

on a you know it's just it's too much I'm not going for the 16th chapel. This is hilarious. Canadian high school. Can I tell you what's so great about watching that? As a comic, when he said 16th Chapel, you could watch Letterman as a comedian and go, oh, thank God he just gave me that. You could watch him relish the moment

and you knew it was going to get a laugh, whatever he said. I thought that was great. Yeah, that was very funny. I didn't think there was anything wrong with that at all. No, no, I mean, that's what people are saying. They attacked Bieber. Like that Bieber fans and shit like that. Well, Bieber fans are silly.

He came off looking great. Yeah, he handled it well. Bieber didn't seem upset by it. No, he seemed like he went with the flow really well. And I thought that was really funny. I don't know why anybody would have a problem with that. That was just Letterman being Letterman. He's the best, man.

What would you do in that situation? Would you commit to stuff like, hey, this is what I was going to talk about? Or would you make an adjustment if you had to? I don't know. I don't like doing those. I got to tell you, I don't, you know, it's a craft in itself, constructing a five-minute set for talk shows. And it's a totally different, like, line of stand-up comedy. It's like there's your stand-up comedy and then there's these weird portal stops that you do and one of them is the

five minutes set on a tonight show you know squeaky clean or at least except for like some innuendo but nothing too crazy nothing political nothing really ultra controversial right and no no ability to expand upon anything for five minutes it's so quick you're in you're out you just got to get a few points across real quick and all your best bits are two and a half minutes long so it's like it's not like you're gonna do two bits and then bail so you're gonna kind of chop stuff up a little bit or construct a set for you know you know what i mean i do i couldn't even show a clip from the special they because they always want to show a clip and i'm like like do i do the thing about sharpton

dying do i do the thing about Sharpton dying? Do I do the thing about the fucking mosque? None of that will work. So we showed a promo for the special which was a very funny promo but the stand-up itself

I couldn't show because I knew none of it would play and it's all too fucking long. It's all more than 40 seconds. Yeah, of course because you have points. You have points of view.

You have ideas. It's real hard to express any of that in five minutes. I found that every short set that I ever did, I just felt like shit about. That makes me feel good to hear you say that, though, because it's like, you know, you feel like as a comic, like, why can't I just go out there and fucking hit home runs when I do these things for five or six minutes? It's not a comedy club either.

I mean, look, it is what it is. It's a great promotion vehicle. Obviously, it's an honor to be on The Tonight Show, as always. And when you do a set, definitely people are going to see see it and it's going to help your career no doubt about it but it's you it's not a bet a really good representation of your stand-up right a good representation of your stand-up is in a club i mean that's really what we do you know even a theater i mean theater is great because you can get more people to come out and see you and you know you still still can be a lot of fun but ideally if a theater is a 9.9, a comedy club is a 10.

Yeah. You know what I mean? It's only a little bit less to do it. But a club, like a 200-seater man, when you're right there, and you're fucking nailing it, you're so tuned in to the crowd, and the crowd, they're having so much fun. It's like the amount of laughs and the full energy you get of killing in front of 200 people.

It's like very, very, very few things in life are that powerful. It bounces back at you. Like you feel it when it's, again, it's a small room like the Comedy Cellar in New York.

It just pounds back at you. The store, yeah. The original room in the store. When you're killing on that stage, it just comes right back all over you. Comedy Works, Denver? I've only done that room once. I did well there, but I didn't draw that great there.

I only drew okay. How long ago was this? Four or five years ago. How dare you? I know. I would love to do it again. Go back. Yeah, I think things have changed.

Yeah, I think the internet has helped all of us sort of get our voice out. I don't know, man. I feel like I can't get any fucking kind of internet buzz at all. Everything I do gets 5,000 views. All you have to do is do a podcast. Why don't you do what Anthony's doing? If you did your own podcast, I know it's hard because you're on ONA five hours a day, but if you did your

own podcast once a week, just something... People love that it's free. They can get your show on XM but they have to pay or they have to go illegal and go with torrents and risk the FBI creeping up your ass over the microscope.

But if you give them something for free. And his show's not just Jimmy oriented. It's like a gang of people. If you had your own podcast that was all you. Well, I guess you do the music thing. Right, the Boneyard, but that's not like this. It's a serious show too, right? right yeah yeah but i'm also i don't know if i'm allowed to contractually to be honest oh really yeah oh you might not be allowed to do a podcast

yeah i mean they allow me to perform on them but i don't know if they'll allow me to actually do one and market it as a jim norton vehicle because it's a different platform i don't know that's interesting if they could play it i don't see why they would have a problem with it you know like if they also played it. Yeah, because that's what we do with them. We have a podcast and we're on Sirius. We go on the ONA channel. But we just give it to them.

We just give it to them for free. It's a smart thing to do because you're right. Nobody wants to pay for shit. And we want to do an ONA podcast. We just put it up. Give them an hour a week for free to get people who aren't into the show into the show. I mean, I'm explaining marketing. Everybody understands why.

I probably could have just said that and not explained it. Right. But then some people think, well, that's all they would need is that hour a week. You know, they'll just take that hour a week and they'll add it to the five hours that Carolla puts out and Bill Burr puts out, you know, a couple hours a week. Bill Burr puts out a couple hours a week. If you really stop and think about how many great podcasts are out there right now, how many hours do you have to fucking... It's a weird sort of a situation where there's a saturation point, especially ones like ours that are three hours long sometimes.

How many of those can you have? Well, you have a bigger name going into it anyway. I think guys starting up and trying to do something like that is a lot harder. I mean, you have 600,000 people on Twitter, 700,000 at this point. I remember when you had like fucking 80. I remember when I was like 12 when you were like 80. I'm like, all right, I'll catch Rogan. Boy, you fucking just quadruple.

Well, Louie's got like 1.3 million now. I liked that. Louie's on fire. Doesn't Tosh have something incredible? Isn't Tosh like 7 million or something? I'm going to guess 4 million, something like that, or maybe 5. But he's probably the biggest comic. Kevin Hart's over 3.

Yeah, Kevin Hart and Tosh. Kevin Hart, I keep hearing about him killing it. I keep hearing about him. I don't know where he's at, but I keep hearing how funny his shows are. I've never watched him. I hear he's – Collins said his show is funny on Comedy Central. I haven't heard any comics sh at, but I keep hearing how funny his shows are. I've never watched him. I hear he's... Collins said his show is funny on Comedy Central. I haven't heard any comics shitting on him either.

No. I've never heard anybody shitting on him. I keep hearing from the audiences that it's hilarious. I've got to see him. I've got to see him. Daniel cost us $6 million. Jesus Christ, Daniel. That's too many.

God damn it, son. That's too many. Good for him, man. You don't need all that. He deserves it. Help your friends out. He deserves it. He's a's too many. Good for him, man. You don't need all that. He deserves it. Help your friends out. He deserves it. He's a fucking funny guy.

But I want a couple. Yeah. I would like to pick them up. We've got to figure out how to get you some. We've got to figure out. The problem with... Look, Sirius is fucking awesome. I love Sirius.

I love the high-definition sound that the music is in. I mean, it sounds really good when it comes through satellite. It doesn't sound like a radio. It sounds... Better. Yeah, it sounds really good when it comes through satellite. It doesn't sound like a radio. It sounds better. Yeah, it's much better than radio sound. And it's coming from the fucking sky. I totally support that.

I love the fact that I can just click on classic vinyl, and then I hear On the Road Again by Bob Seger. Like, oh, yeah. It's worth it. To me, it's totally worth it. I love that you guys are on's like it's worth it. To me, it's totally worth it. I love that, you know, you guys are on. I listen to Howard still. I listen to Ron and Fez. I mean, it's totally worth it to me.

But the internet is the future. Yep. And somehow or another, the internet is going to get into people's cars. Yeah. And when that happens. It already is. Yeah. When that happens, it's going to be real hard.

It's like, it's going to be real hard to sell internet radio, right? It's going to just have to be advertising based like podcasts are. They're going to have to change their business model

to make money a different way because you're not going to be able to get people to fucking pay for it. They're going to stop you. It's not just that. They're going to stop using it. Like, why would they use it? When you have things like Spotify and all these different ways of getting i tell you i have both right now

satellite radio and and my iphone sets up where i have you know spotify or pandora or anything like that it's just easier like i you know it's the radio it's it's you still have to do shit with all the things like you have to type in the station that you want if you're using you know pandora or you have to like do that like there's more than just turn it on and hitting a button and that's that's what's still going on like i still use satellite radio more because i just turn it on and bam right i see what you're saying yeah i see what you're saying so there's not as many steps to go right it's steps yeah but that's going to change there's less and less going to be absorbed less and less steps are happening as you go on.

The other thing is that you have to be, with satellite, you have to be in a place where you can see the satellite. That's why it dies out when you go under bridges and shit. Internet's the same way. You go under fucking some places, you don't have any internet at all. That's true. So there's going to be some places. Maybe, you know, well, I don't know.

That doesn't make any sense. They'll do the same thing regular radio do. They just put receivers in the Lincoln Tunnel. Now you can get fucking, you can listen to Q1043 in case you haven't heard Brown Eyed Girl enough times. You're going into fucking Jersey. Can you get satellite radio under the tunnels? No, but they could put in receivers. They probably just don't feel it's worth it yet.

I mean, regular radio does, but they don't need to. They must hate the internet. Do they hate the internet? No, I don't think so. I mean, they understand what a promotional tool it can be, too. But I mean, they understand it's a threat. I mean, it certainly is. Once Wi-Fi's in cars, everything's going to be in trouble.

Well, the thing is, when Sirius first came out, or when satellite radio in general first came out, it was really like a dream come true. Like, oh my God, I can get radio in my car that's uncensored. Like, somehow or another, some bozo hasn can get radio in my car that's uncensored. Like, somehow or another, some bozo hasn't stepped in and made it so that if you say the wrong fucking noise with your mouth, you get locked up in a cage. And they get to forfeit. You forfeit all your assets. And it's just nutty shit when it comes to censorship.

People don't understand, like, how damaging that is. And in all the time that satellite radio has been on, how much different are things, really? I mean, it's not like anybody got hurt. The same fucking people are listening to it. It's not like all of a sudden, you know, you guys being completely, totally honest with all the words that you ever wanted to use. It's not like that all of a sudden started. People are running out in the streets and fucking cutting off heads

and jumping off bridges. Nothing changed. Nothing changed. So, therefore, it's bullshit. Therefore, it's useless. It's not like it's contributing to the downfall of society. Well, the FCC just lost a big case, too, for Fox. They lost a huge fucking case in the Supreme Court about,

I don't know if it was about just quick utterances, but they removed a lot of the fines, I think, that Fox just got thrown. So the FCC just took it. And we knew they would because they're fucking greedy. And they're fucking, they won't just lay off. It's so creepy. When they chased after Stern, when all that shit was in the news, it was so creepy. It felt like good against evil.

That's really what it felt like. It felt like someone out there trying to entertain people, and he's getting attacked by the the manner in which he's entertaining is unsuitable for you know this particular type of you know transmission and because of that the federal government steps in like it's so crazy that anybody would think that that's a good idea well it's allowed to get to be actual law and still reinforced in in this day and age what's people like tim winter in the fucking PTC, the Parents Television Council.

They write most of the complaints. They're the ones who do all the fucking complaints, and the stupid FCC still actually takes them seriously and listens to them. It's enraging. It's like when the Italian American Society, whatever the fuck it is, was getting angry at the Sopranos.

You know, it's like, just stop. There's certain things where political correctness becomes such a fucking hamper to a real dialogue, to real conversations. Well, anyone who thinks that being PC is appropriate is a dope. Anyone who subscribes to that thinking is a dumb motherfucker. It's so dumb. You're saying that you don't think that people like Tony Soprano have ever existed? Do you pay attention to history?

Like, where are you getting this from, stupid? Like, you're going to protest the way they you getting this from, stupid? You're going to protest the way they're being depicted? They're being depicted the way they really are. There's plenty of people like that that are real people. It just doesn't mean that that's all Italians. You're only protecting retards. You're only protecting

the dopiest amongst us that would look at all Italians as if they were all gangsters now because of the sopranos and why has nobody ever objected to a positive profile this is why their thinking is flawed because they're saying that profiling is wrong and generalizing is wrong but they never mind when they're generalized positively right they never mind a positive profile or a pleasant sweeping generalization that's why they're fucking phony. We just don't like a negative thing.

So there's certain things they want you to be able to say about them and certain things they don't. Like you can talk all day about black guys and their big dicks. Yeah, and I do. But you can't talk about them like wanting fried chicken. Yeah, that's negative and terrible. Which is hilarious. Yeah.

We talked about this yesterday. Chicken is goddamn delicious. It's fucking wonderful. What's wrong with being someone who's into chicken? I guess maybe they're just trying to... You know what? Maybe black people are smart. They're just trying to refocus everybody back on the cock.

So they want all other... They want all stereotypes. We don't want to hear about chicken, watermelon, back to the dick. That's probably a very calculated move. It's a clever chess move. It's checkmate from the get-go. Really? You can't talk about their strawberry soda.

Bitch, you racist. Yeah, yeah. Fuck Funyuns. We don't enjoy them. Well, what else is left? I heard you have a huge dick. Word. Yeah. Word. Yeah, you know, I was doing a tell show where you sit down and you watch porn. And Dave loves porn.

Dave's old porn. Dave loves porn. Yes, which is true. It's a little bit of that, too. He's a piece of shit Dave used to come into The comedy cell With a fucking duffel bag Of porn tapes Cause I guess he's OCD

And he didn't want to Throw them out He's like here Like you had to pass Along with somebody He couldn't bring himself To throw it out That duffel bag

He needs to be Roommates with Yoshi then Oh that's so funny Him and Yoshi Yoshi sent me so much porn And I've watched so much of it I threw out I was cleaning out

My apartment a little bit And I'm not exaggerating Probably a thousand porn DVDs. I just couldn't keep them anymore. Yeah, Yoshi's ridiculous, man. Yoshi had a dude with him once. I forget the guy's name. But he actually got upset that I didn't want any.

I go, no thanks. Come on, man. Come on, man. I'm giving these to you, man. We produce these. I go, dude, I'm fine. But thank you very much. I prefer not to.

I prefer not to take it. But it was all like gaping it. It was all gaping stuff. It was all pulling. I don't go for the gaping. I'm not into that. I don't like to look into a vagina at all. What I was going to say about Dave's show is that when John Holmes was on, I was like, his dick isn't even that big for 21st century today.

Dudes have giant dicks now like you ever see that like lexington steel guy sure jesus christ his dicks like twice the size of john holmes yeah there's a lot of guys who have like dicks are getting bigger yes do you think it's our cell phones i don't know yeah keep in your pocket boys yeah it's it's black eyes they started first with pagers yeah no i think it's vibrating no, I think it's... It's been vibrating it bigger. I think it's like everything else. Natural selection.

Well, Lexington is great. His dick works, too, because Johnny was always fucking... Holmes was always fucking doing blow, and his dick worked half the time. It was always kind of half-hardy. Yeah. Squeezed it at the base, that old guy.

Exactly. It's all like a rubber snake. Yeah, he's holding it tight at the fucking base, that trick that we've all pulled. But Lexington, both hands in the air. We were, Ginger Lynn was on the show

and she was talking about all the different, I was like, how come this dude could never get it up? And she's like, cocaine. All these guys were on coke.

They couldn't get it up because you watch it and this poor fucking dude is like, he just can't get hard. I guess his name is Jerry Butler. Oh, yeah, sure. I know Jerry Butler. He is blonde as hell. We totally made fun of Jerry Butler. Oh, yeah, sure. I know Jerry Butler.

He is blondish hair. We totally made fun of him. And if you hear this, Jerry, I totally apologize. I've never done coke. I would imagine it would be very hard to fuck while you're on coke. So if I was making fun of you on Dave's show,

it's all just for comedy, fella. He looked like one of the Dukes of Hazzard. Like, he didn't look like a porn guy. Yeah, he looked like a sweet, like, handsome kid. And his dick was average. I never liked guys with average dicks. Like, you know,

like, beat it with that fucking thing but he had seven and a quarter yourself you know I mean I like a fucking I like a wrecking ball but I've gotten into the it's funny like the lab I've gotten into the fucking black-eyed white porn and I never watched that but I started to I like the amateur shit of guys just filming their wives getting fuck me that really job well do you think they're really filming their wives getting fucked? You can always tell the difference. I'd say half of them are real and half of them are actually porn companies.

But there are some that are absolutely real. And you can tell because there's a fucking date in the corner, you know, 95. There's awful music playing. You know what I mean? There's always something playing in the background which a porn company could never license. So whenever there's music playing, if you hear Journey playing on interracial porn, they probably is a fucking home movie. Because the porn company would never license that movie.

Have you been getting into any of the cam websites lately? Have you been doing any of those things? Never got into cam stuff. None of the new ones that are free? Nowadays, it's nice. You might really, really like it. I would try it. He's completely addicted.

Maybe you should not steer little Jimmy into this whole endeavor. Maybe it'll ruin his life. It's myfreecams.com. Check it out. It's just tons and tons and tons of girls, just normal girls that have jobs at Applebee's and stuff like that. Just fucking sitting there. Jobs at Applebee's. Fucking shoving dildos in their ass.

And then if you pay them a little extra, then they'll go in a private room. But my favorite thing is spying on privates you're you can pay a little extra and spy on what the private rooms looks oh isn't that ridiculous because that's like how is that private well you can't spy on the guy right no no you can't all you do is see her yeah fucking playing with her twi i love the fact you gave her an awful job like applebee's too well she should be shoving something into a twat with that fucking gig nine 9 to 5. I wonder how many girls are doing that. You can do screen captures, right, if you want to? Last night on a podcast I did with the Bone Zone, we interviewed one of the girls.

Really? We Skyped her while she was in the room and talked to her. So that's a thing we're going to start doing now more at Death Squad is actually talking to these girls. There's something about that website, MyFreeCam, is when you first showed me, it really kind of freaked me out because I really had this impression of the future. I really had this idea of what this is really going to be because you click on this thing and it opens up.

It looks like infinite windows. It's like, are these like little universes? Like, what is this? And each one of them you click on, and it's a different girl connected to the internet doing these little shows. And there's fucking hundreds of them. And you're looking at this. I'm like, this is kind of nuts. What a weird interface this is.

All these chicks are fangirling themselves and tits and dildos. And you can give them money and tune in it's like what the fuck is going on well it's amazing it's it's a it's a great advancement but what's going to happen is eventually privacy will be a thing and i'm not even saying that's a bad thing because we're all going to be locked in on the same uh mentality we're all going to be and i'm not even saying it's going to be a terrible thing we're all going to be on the same wavelength mentally right eventually the internet's a great start but fast forward 100 years from now yeah you're going and I'm not even saying it's going to be a terrible thing we're all going to be on the same wavelength mentally eventually the internet's a great start

but fast forward a hundred years from now you're going to be punished for bad thoughts as opposed to bad speech or bad actions people are going to know when you think something

because we're already working on that with Stephen Hawking so we're all going to see each other sexually we're all going to know everything about each other and eventually

it's going to lose its effect the dopamine drip won't work we're going to figure out a better way to get people feeling you know that feeling you get when you're fucking cranking or you're edging we're going to figure out a better way to get people feel. You know that feeling

you get when you're fucking cranking or you're edging? We're going to find out better ways to give people that so the sex will lose its appeal anyway. We're in a great time

right now if you're a pervert because this will eventually go away. It's going to get worse and then it's just going to But how is that true when there's so much porn online? Is that ever going to go away?

Sure. How do you think that's going to go away? What does porn do for you? Porn makes us, it turns us on. It it's all these opportunities it releases something in the brain right when eventually they figure out get that in a pill or even through an electrical impulse or a patch you don't need that you won't right get a porn patch get a porn patch imagine you go and you get a patch and you don't want to come anymore well nobody would take that

option but you might though because it would keep you from cheating on your wife it would keep you Can you imagine you go and you get a patch and you don't want to come anymore? Well, nobody would take that option. But you might, though, because it would keep you from cheating on your wife. It would keep you from getting AIDS. It would keep you from knocking somebody up. The benefits for it, like, dude, if I could take one of those, the amount of hours, I sleep better when I'm not jerking off. Of course. Jerking off keeps me up. But there's a lot of people that feel like life connects them to them being erect or them being you know aroused or them being you know in having sex with someone right they feel like they're not they're not alive

unless that's happening so if you cut if you took a pill that would like do that would it stop your ability to do it naturally you wouldn't be able to would you just you wouldn't want to have sex anymore you know just want the pill you still want sex but I think it would take away the drug part of it eventually we're gonna find a way to it It's almost like the same thing as with alcohol and drugs and overeating. All of that will eventually be fixed because whatever the brain is doing that makes you high or makes you feel great, they'll figure out a way to make everybody feel like that all the time. People won't even need to go out and look for that because we'll all be

able to access that feeling whenever we want in what is a quote unquote acceptable way. Yeah, we're in a weird period right now when it comes to things that they give people when they have mental illnesses or what they perceive to be mental illnesses or depression. Because I have friends that have taken all sorts of different stuff and I'm like, well, how does a doctor know what to give you? And he's like, well, they start you on one thing and we'll see how you react to that and you know if you go to the doctor and say well i can't get it up anymore and i'm really listless throughout the day and then they try something else and they keep switching medications until they find one that works for you right and i'm like what like how how crazy is that

like they've got a a bunch of different medications and they just try them out on you nice and slow. How much do they vary? Are you sure you got it nailed with this one? What are we taking here? What's going on? I'm up in the air on that stuff. I think it does work for some people. For sure. I've thought of taking it but I'm afraid of my creativity being fucked with because I'm depressed all the time and it's stupid. I'd rather not be. So if I could take a pill that balanced out whatever is wrong in my stupid brain.

Do you think it is like a pattern thing or do you think it's a chemical thing? Like when you feel like you're depressed, do you connect it to a certain pattern of thinking that becomes self-destructive and you're just real comfortable going down this pattern? Or do you connect it to a – do you feel like, man, there's something wrong with the chemicals my brain is making or are they even indecipherable are they the same thing do they create each other i think i think it's a little bit of everything like i think it could be a chemical but i the chemical combined with just shitty thinking it's comfortable thinking you get used to like whenever things are good for me i start to think like horribly depressing thoughts like i just i don't think I deserve it or whatever that nonsense is

But I think it's a combination But I know chemical is a part of it because I feel it like I don't sleep well And I just feel fucking like thick and sludgy and right fogged all the time, and I fucking hate it I guarantee you that's the sleep apnea. I think you're right. We were talking about this and I told you that your mouthpiece Wasn't the one that i used i used this one by this guy named coropian dr coropian from tarzana and he developed a mouthpiece that it has almost like a finger that keeps your tongue from falling back uh over uh your your windhole that's where what you're getting with sleep apnea is your fucking fat tongue

like when it collapses when you're lying on your back and literally covers your air hole it's just a shitty design in the the human face and some of us have it and some people don't well you have obstructive i don't even know if i have obstructive or a combination of obstructive and central where central is when your brain doesn't send the signal right like i think that's what it's called like when i've because i've woken up at times and just gone you haven't breathed I'm not breathing I'm trying to breathe But I have not attempted a breath

And I know I'll miss a couple of cycles And I wake up panicking And I think I might have part of that too Because the mouthpiece I have I sleep a little better with It does help But I don't know if it's totally An obstructive apnea thing

I actually woke a guy up on the plane Coming back from Brazil. I remember it just being horrible, Joe. I remember being on a plane next to you and just being like, what the fuck? That's not normal. But not thinking like it was that bad. No, I snored real bad, real bad. But what I'm saying is I saw a guy having sleep apnea, and he's a big guy.

And so I went to the flight attendant, and I'm like, this guy goes for, like, these stretches where he's not breathing. Right. Like, it was a long stretch. They were, like, 20, 25 seconds with no breathing. And you see him struggle and struggle, and then all of a sudden. And then he would close it up again. I was like, wow, that guy's going to die.

You can't keep doing that. That's real bad sleep apnea. I didn't know what it looked like to watch someone choke and gasp for air. And then his chest wasn't moving. He was like little wiggles with his chest, but no breathing. And then all of a sudden, big swallowing and gasping. So this guy's getting no sleep. If he sleeps like this every night, he gets no fucking sleep.

So I'm like, dude, you can get a heart attack from this for real. You need to do something about this. Well, I'm a bad. It's hard for me to fall asleep. It's not even just hard for me to stay asleep. I've had to get up and pee because I've had to go to the bathroom. And then somebody said that sometimes your mind wakes you up thinking that you're not going to breathe. So it wakes you up to piss because that will get you up.

It's a really weird signal your body will send. It'll make you feel like you have to piss. Because it's worried about your control? Yeah, which shows you where priorities are. I can't breathe on my own, but if I have to piss, I'll jump up and I'll take a breath. I didn't see. This guy, I didn't say I woke him up I woke him up he woke up rather when he saw the flight attendant and me like watching him maybe like sense the weird

maybe wasn't sleeping anyway because he was snoring so loud but he he had no idea he had no idea when when I was told that I had sleep apnea you know when I went to way I had you know I knew that I had snored. But when I went to an actual place where they monitor, like, when you go to sleep. Right. They do that with you? Yeah, but I did a take home. And they said I definitely had not the worst apnea, but the next one under it.

Oh, my God. Just under the worst? I wouldn't have fallen asleep in a place like that. Were you able to fall asleep? It was real hard. It is, right? Well, you're covered with these fucking electrodes. Yeah, I couldn't do that asleep in a place like that. Were you able to fall asleep? It was real hard. It is, right? Well, you're covered with these fucking electrodes. Yeah, I couldn't do that.

It was really hard, but I was so tired. I made sure that I showed up there really tired. Did you smoke first? No, I just went. Oh, okay. I don't smoke before I go to sleep, usually. No? No, I smoke before I write.

I smoke before I do jujitsu. Oh, wow. Yeah. That i'm very surprised to hear yeah i know that's uh the best way to do jujitsu because you're more relaxed more focused you know um this first of all the type of pot that i smoke is uh there's two types of two different types of pot one is called indica and one's called sativa and indica is the stuff that people get that makes you like it's almost like a narcotic it's like you could collapse into the couch it's just like more of like a sedative more of like uh it makes you kind of feel like just at ease and chill and relaxed and it's great for like pain it's great for sex it's but sativa is the stuff that i like and that's it's more speedy it's more um sort sort of it feels like it accelerates your thinking.

Oh, really? It makes you think about crazy shit. Like the best thing for me is Sativa and like a Carl Sagan documentary. You know? Yeah. You just go, what the fuck? And you listen to Carl Sagan explaining the universe. Billions and billions.

And it's just like it it's, you know, it's the perfect pot for thinking. He wrote Communion, which was not a communion, it was Contact. Yes. Jodie Foster was the one he wrote. Yeah, that was a great fucking movie.

That was, to this day, still holds up. I watched it the other day. It's one of those things where you're like, oh yeah, that's probably how it would actually happen when she's going through

the fucking wormhole. It all kind of feels right. It doesn't feel cheesy or hokey at all. It look that's just the i mean we were talking about this uh yesterday i had the guy from ancient aliens on and uh we were talking about uh the the possibilities of uh ufos like that like what the they had in contact that doesn't seem outside the realm of what we're capable of in 30 years or 50 years or 100 i mean if you ask if you ask me, could we come up with something like that if we lived 1,000 years? I'd be like, fucking of course we could. Did you ever interview Bernie?

I think, wait, no, Ray Kurzweil. No, I never have. We had him on once, and he's kind of a dry guy, but he's a real genius, and he talks about how technology is advancing exponentially, like we're doubling our knowledge and doubling our knowledge and doubling our knowledge, and he thinks there's going to be a point of singularity where we just know everything as it happens where our we will catch up because the way technology aids our brain like once we can incorporate something like google you'll just think of something and know it you won't need to

google it you'll you know kurzweil is a genius and i think his time frame is off because he thinks that in 40 years we're going to have singularity and i think he thinks that because he wants to stay alive but he talks about immortality and uploading, once we understand how the electrical impulses can be uploaded to a hard drive. He's a fascinating guy. Yeah, I've read a bunch of his stuff. Oh, you have? Okay, I'm explaining to him.

No, I love that documentary. It's good for people to hear that documentary, The Transcendent Man. Yeah. That's a fucking amazing documentary. Really interesting. It was really interesting to see the different points of view. The people who are really optimistic about intelligence

that is artificially created and people who are terrified of it. Some of those guys that were like, you don't understand. If this happens, like the one guy that was calling it an artelect, he was the English guy,

he was talking about artelects. I don't know if I saw the special. I've just read some of the stuff. Oh, okay. Well, they had a bunch of different people that are experts on this idea of artificial intelligence becoming sentient. And one of them is like, fucking, we're going to get wiped out. One of them is like, this guy's like all Terminator doom and gloom. Like, we don't even know what's going to happen. The real worry is that if they fuck around and program emotions and jealousy and rage into a computer,

thinking that they have to do this in order to really, truly replicate a human being, instead of replicating someone completely creepy with no emotions, I mean, if they're going to make an artificial person, wouldn't they make an artificial person that has human characteristics so it would blend in? So then, what if that fucking thing, this artificial computer, can actually make a better artificial computer than a human can make and then it just exponentially increases in like over a period

of like zero time they've created way better human beings than we could have ever created and that's the singularity and then the shit really hits the fan well it wouldn't surprise me if it happens eventually because I mean again it's all chemical reactions anger rage jealousy and it's all you can probably break it down

to ones and zeros. So once they figure that out on the computer and they can map our DNA, that stuff will definitely be a part of it. It's going to be a weird thing they're going to have to discuss. Should we create these crazy fake people that never get angry? Maybe that's the future. They've already did artificial intelligence

like Siri. It's like meeting Siri is like a girl you met at a coffee shop briefly and then in like 10 or 15 years we're going to actually see her in a different form you know a little older and then one day we're going to be fucking siri if you think about it she's she's the start of artificial intelligence i hate siri i fucking hate it it's the worst i try to i try to talk with it and it just goes it just fucking mocks me i I can never get Siri to work. Yeah, I'm not a fan of it. I, you know.

I forgot about it and I started using it again and it was like, oh yeah, this is totally helpful. I like the call feature. I can say, call Norton. Calling Norton.

Reading text messages when you're driving. That's awesome. Yeah, I don't do that. I made Sam listen to me fucking dirty talk somebody through Siri because I was afraid to do it

so I was driving and dirty talking a chick and it actually came out pretty good. But it was weird to have a guy hear that. You know, was afraid to do it So I was driving and dirty talking a chick And it actually came out pretty good But it was weird to have a guy hear that You know you have to correct it because it's saying clit wrong or whatever That's hilarious Driving and dirty talking in a text through Siri It seems like that's an activity of the future

It's a hard drug to break man The fucking The dirty fuck Texting the fucking That whole keep it going, have a bunch of those little windows open and just go to it and go to it and go to it. It's so hard to fucking break that. It's really difficult.

You just enjoy the banter. Fuck, I love it. Yeah. I love it more than actually fucking. Really? Yeah, man. What is it about? Just the excitement of knowing someone's into you and they respond to you

and it just gets kind of freaky and then you're like, how far is this going to go? And holy shit, which she went with it. Yeah, I can't believe she's going to do that. I'm going to put it in my ass. What? Oh my God.

And her saying that to me. What? Exactly what I'm saying. Okay, yeah. No, her saying that to you. Yeah, yeah. She's going to strike me with that. What I do is my dick.

I'm going to put it in my ass. You know, like, whoa. I like the idea of it, but I like the high of it. Fucking is the end of it. It's like going to sleep after you've been drinking. You want to just keep the, but I like the high of it. Fucking is the end of it. It's like going to sleep after you've been drinking. You want to just keep the rush going. Keep the high going.

And once you fucking come, it's over. Once you blow your load. I've actually had escorts where I haven't blown a load because they weren't the perfect one. And I waited until later that night just to do it to get low. It's complete addiction, man. Have you had hemorrhoids before, Jimmy? No, I got a little bit of a roid. Not too bad, which is a shame because my I got a little bit of a roid.

Not too bad, which is a shame because my ex wanted to fuck me with a strap on, and I would have let her, but it would just hurt too bad. Oh, whoa. Really? Oh, without a doubt. So you still have a pretty butthole then. It's decent, yeah. You don't have any fucking war damage. No, it's nice.

It's actually not bad at all. I've really had almost nothing in my ass. A lot of tongues because it's very hairless. Very rarely has any odor. My ass is phenomenal when it comes to that shit. hairless very rarely has any odor my ass is phenomenal when it comes to that shit with odor i very rarely see how many is it gold bond i don't sweat how many times have you had a girl use a strap on on you none i've had a couple try my ex-girlfriend tried she was a trooper um but i would always go like and i i got maybe the helmet

and i could never get more than that i felt like i had to show when your girl's doing that is she doing it because it turns her on or is she doing that because it's fun? What is she doing? She's sticking something inside you that she can't even feel. But she's feeling the power of it. Is that what it is? Sure, it's like spanking somebody. When you spank somebody

it turns you on, but it doesn't turn you on because there's a sensation on your hand. It's the fucking sound. It's the ass. It's the representation of when you spank a girl. It's all that stuff. The domination of it. That's how I think a chick feels when she's fucking you with a strap on. Whoa. I wish I could do it because I'm a fucking dirt

bag. I would love it, but I just can't get through it. I haven't tried it in a long time. It's the female version of the spank then. I think so, yeah. I mean, I like a woman who can dominate me, but properly. Not with a fucking cornball. You know, get on your knees, slave. Oh, yeah. I mean, I like a woman who can dominate me, but properly. Not with a fucking cornball. You know, get on your knees, slave. Oh, no.

Shut up. Are there hack dominatrixes? Dude, most of them are hacks. But a girl who knows not to wear deodorant and just put her fucking armpit over my face, that's a chick that can fucking own me. Wow. That's a chick that can own me. Do you date, like, a lot of foreign women, like Indian or Russian wrestlers?

No, I don't like Indian pussy. I've had Indian pussy one time, but Russian wrestlers? No, I don't like Indian pussy. I've had Indian pussy one time, but I didn't like it. I don't like Indian food. That's how you said it. I don't like Indian food. I don't like Canadian pussy either. What? No, I don't.

Canada is an okay country, but every Canadian pussy I've ever gotten a hold of fucking reeked. I've never had a Canadian pussy that I didn't have to fucking back off of. I wonder, is it like maple syrup or what is the actual... It's just an odd, sour, fucking... I don't know what it is. Really? Is it a fucking 12-hour drive or it's the fucking water or there's something chemically

different about them? I just don't enjoy it. It has to be something in their climate or something. Maybe, yeah. Some of the hottest girls on the planet are from Canada. They are lovely, but you know, I got cocked not too long ago by some Canadian stripper. So do you hold a grudge for all Canadians because of this one girl? So now you're all anti-Canadian pussy? No, it's been a few girls.

Believe me, I tried the theory. I never just go with one bad one because it could have been period. I don't like armpits of girls that are period. Period pits are fucking disgusting. Wait a minute. Girls, you are an expert in how girls armpits smell differently during their period right with girlfriends at least i can tell once you know somebody chemically man you can tell by their scent like we did a contest in cleveland and i

got most of them right um but you can tell if it's an oniony fucking smell she's probably on a rag and her body is just expelling everything angrily that shit was amazing isn't that just depending on your diet though uh part of it does yeah But if you have a consistency and the fucking... There's something about that fucking smell. It drives me. But again, it can't be that fucking oniony pit odor. But if you have a good chemistry with somebody, there's something about that that makes me crazy, man. And do you like BO or do you like them just...

Yeah, BO on a chain. BO. Actual BO. But I like the mouth to be clean. I want her mouth to taste clean. I don't want her fucking ears to smell to taste clean I don't want her fucking ears to smell waxy I don't want her belly button

to stink the feet can smell a little bit honest to god I like that a little bit man a little bit of a fucking a little sweaty and the ass can smell a little bit

and the pussy a little bit as long as it's not you have a fucking checklist I swear to god the ass and you got a De Niro face on when you go into this checklist yeah As long as it's not... You have a fucking checklist. I swear to God. The S... And you got a De Niro face on when you go to this checklist. Yeah.

Okay. Okay. The S has a certain level it can go to. A little bit of a fucking... A little bit of an outline yourself. Yeah, a little bit. Just a little bit. The S has...

What is the particular smell that's acceptable? Is there a level? It's like they say about pornography. I don't know it. I can't describe it. I know when I see it. That's the way it is with an asshole. It's like, it has a slight asshole smell to it. Like a musk.

A musk. It's fucking nice, dude. It's nice. What is that law about obscenity? How do you define obscenity? That's the question in a lot of trials, right? Well, community standards, and this is why it's in trouble. And by the way, I would love to know where all the fucking libertarian political organizations were when max hardcore went to jail for four years

because they nailed him when he when he mailed stuff to fucking tampa because florida stinks for this type of stuff and they trapped him and got him on some obscene community standards thing but where was everybody sticking up for max hardcore this guy did four years for adult pornography it's fucking adults there was no children involved. It seems really strange that you could have something that is not illegal, that is, obviously it's marketable.

I mean, whether or not it's healthy to watch that kind of shit, it's obvious that people are watching it. And there is always that argument that certain types of depravity

keeps people from committing things in their real life. That they can get through it in some sort of a fantasy form and it keeps them from being a creep or a violent person in their real life. And if someone signs a fucking waiver, man, where do you cross the line? Where do you decide that this is something that this guy needs to get locked in a cage for? Because you don't agree. Well, the whole country is full of shit when it comes to free speech and free thought.

Because all of us, and I mean both, I should say should say all ideologies liberal and conservative have an asterisk like you're free to say this and do this as long as yeah and for the liberals it's what they call hate speech and anything that's racial or homophobia and for the conservatives it's hey don't fuck with god and country but both sides are equally phony when it comes to like when's the last time uh like you know a feminist stuck up for a guy who said something uh about women that was unpleasant because he has the right to say it never like where were all these people when tracy morgan uh said what he said why did nobody who didn't like him stick up for him yeah i think it's just like they don't have that much resources so

it's not like they can jump into the fray on for any little situation they don't have that much resources so it's not like they can jump into the fray on for any little situation they don't have that much time when you're running some sort of an organization that's looking for violence against women or anything but you don't have you have to look and concentrate only on that i don't fault them for going after you know or not going after cases where guys like tracy morgan got busted or you know they only have a certain amount of things they want to concentrate on. I faulted for going after him because when people went after him, why didn't they just stick up for him and go, we don't like what he said, but he's got the right to say it and there should be no penalty for it.

That's what I mean. And none of these groups, which would take them two seconds to put out that fucking memo, but GLAAD has never done it. None of them have done it. No, they don't devote any resources to helping anybody else out. They develop resources to pushing their ideology. And their ideology is that this guy needs to be punished. Because if he's punished and it costs him a lot of money, then people are going to stop thinking like that.

They're going to stop expressing themselves like that. Which I can see their point up to a certain point where you've got to realize, like, is it okay? Where does this line happen? Is it okay for Denzel Washington to play a murderer and a gangster in a movie? It is, right? Okay. Why is it not okay for Tracy Morgan

to portray a guy who's pretending that he would stab his son if he was gay? Because he's not telling the truth. He's obviously doing a character that is completely over the top and says ridiculous shit all the time. That's his shtick. Oh, by the way, I was

incorrect. I apologize. You just straightened me out. When I said the women's groups, I should have said the gay groups. I was thinking that Tracy said something that was anti-woman. I forgot that it was that. I actually forgot. I just remembered the conflict. I'm saying why doesn't the group who's offended... So you're saying the gay dudes are women? Well, the great ones are. I mean, let's be honest group who's offended... So you're saying the gay dudes are women. Well, the great ones are.

I mean, let's be honest. Who hasn't seen a transsexual and fallen in love? Come on. It's an open society, folks. Yeah, I think Tracy got a... People have to understand that there's people that want to see him do that. You might not like it, but it's like Dice. I love Dice. I've always loved Dice.

I want to see him go fucking bananas. It's a form of entertainment. And if he does it about Italians, which I am, I will laugh. I will laugh along with it because I know if he's making fun of us, it's mostly true shit. Right. But for whatever reason, some people want to pretend that some of his ridiculous, over-the-top stereotypes aren't funny. It's a hilarious character. This character fucking hates everything. I't funny. It's a hilarious character. This character fucking hates

everything. I love it. It's great entertainment. You don't swallow my load, you chew it. Who takes that seriously? Exactly. Why would you be angry at this guy? This is just entertainment. It's comedy. It's a valid form of comedy.

This is where it gets weird. When a guy's creating art and believe it or not, Tracy Morgan is creating fucking art when he gets on stage and he does stand-up. He's not trying to fucking piss people off. He's just going with – this is one of the styles of comedy. You say completely outrageous shit. We all know guys who would say like brian holtzman is one of my perfect examples you know i love brian sure yeah he did a joke about susan smith after after uh susan smith uh got caught drowning sure he goes on stage like two days later and he goes

the susan smith case you should drown the kids yeah i heard those were bad kids i heard they sat that close to the tv they always spilt their fucking milk. They don't put away their blocks. Those kids will not be missed. And we were laughing and gasping. The whole audience, it was a combination of laughs and gasps. And that's a valid piece of art. Sure.

That's a valid piece of art. He doesn't really mean that. If he had to choose, he would say, yes, please go back in time and stop her before she kills her children. He's a character. He's playing a crazy, accentuated character. He gets into a zone and he does this thing on stage and he says really offensive shit

and it's fucking funny and I enjoy it. It's art. Or even when you're just being yourself and exploring a ridiculous concept, but we never... People never stick up for that and the same people that would defend maplethorpe or any other form of art piss christ in a jar are the same there's the same mentality that will attack tracy or that will attack uh uh i miss what he said or michael richards it's a fraudulent stance and and every side does it it drives me fucking crazy. I think there's, yeah,

because people have this idea, a lot of people, I should say, have this idea that if you don't agree with them, you're wrong. And you're, if you're against them, it's not like you can enjoy different things or have different ideas about different

standards of living, what you should and shouldn't be able to do. No, it's not that. It's if you don't agree, you're wrong. And people have to understand that different people like different shit. Right. And you can't force someone to not like porn. You can't force someone to say you're not gay. You cannot be gay.

You can't do that. It doesn't work. You have to let people do whatever the fuck they want to do, and then you just gotta kind of accept that that's them and I wish a lot of these phony artists

like when I say phony like meaning singers that think that they're hit by attacking Christianity like I have no problem attack Christianity fuck it sure it's right there

but it's like none of them address Islam none of them will address the fact that they're afraid to attack Islam and that's what drives me crazy because it's this

fucking fake edge it's this fucking fake I'm being dangerous but it's really they're afraid to attack is. And that's what drives me crazy because it's this fucking fake edge. It's this fucking fake, I'm being dangerous. But it's really, they're looking both ways before they cross the street and they're acting like they just bolted out the front door.

And it fucking drives me nuts. Yeah, there's a certain amount of posturing that people get into when they start talking about certain political issues and certain things and certain ideologies. And it gets to that gross place where people just start clapping and you can tell they're disingenuous and they're milking off this thing

for their own ego. They're milking off this reality for their own ego instead of just sort of trying to look at the big picture. Because the big, I mean, you're absolutely right. Why doesn't anybody want to make fun of Islam? I'll tell you why. Because they'll fucking kill you. Yeah.

Like, they took shit to an entirely different place. And so anybody who wants to pretend to be edgy, it doesn't involve going that far. I mock them, but I mean, I'm careful where I put the joke. I'm not an idiot. You know, I mean, I'm not suicidal. Isn't that crazy, though? You, right now, just admitted to self-censorship

for the same things. You just find it more reasonable because you say that your take on it is, well, I'll take it back a little bit as far as I know. Sure. But you are clearly saying that you wouldn't say what you normally would want to say because they're dangerous. Sure. Isn't that crazy? But I will say that that's why I'm not saying it. Isn't that amazing?

Yes. I mean, it's a terrifying thing in 2012 that we still have a faction of our world that you have to literally can't draw their guy but i also won't say other things on stage for feel like you know i mean it's like you know nigger's a rough word to pull all you better have a reason yes before you say that on stage you can't just go out and i would never say it in anger at somebody right um but it's like every everything has lines and stuff and reasons i don't say it. And I do self-censor. And I think we all do as comics. You have to.

We're not crazy. I'm sure. But I never want people to penalize when they don't. That's the difference. Yeah, well, it's really crazy when you get to something like these guys that were American Muslim converts that were publicly online calling for the death of Matt Stone and Trey Parker for doing this. You want to see my drawing of Muhammad? No.

Yeah. It's right there. That's masterbonding. Son of a bitch. Son of a bitch. You're probably not even allowed to do that. Yeah, if I said that, that's probably... Yeah, that's probably like some sort of a thing that you can cut your face off for.

Oh, there you go. Well, Bloomberg was so on the money, too, because when they found that car bomb in Times Square, Mike Bloomberg, right on it, he comes out, he goes, well, let's not jump to conclusions. How do you know it's not somebody against health care reform? Because we live in America in 2011, dummy, and we know it's somebody from Islam. We know, and we were right. It's a weird thing that that's going on right now. It's a weird thing when you watch any of the videos of the real extremists in different parts of the world. And you see women wearing burqas.

And you realize this is all going on in the age of the internet. The whole world. It's like, this is not worked out yet. This is clearly not worked out yet. Well, it's changing. And we think it's changing. And then you look at Facebook, for Christ's sake. Look at the Egypt. They overthrew the government.

And what did they do? They elected the Muslim Brotherhood. They want Sharia law. It kind of feels like a circle. Yeah, that seems crazy. It's like, alright, guys. Really? Is that what you're going to do? I've got to stand against you when you want to kill people for drawing teddy bears. Sure. Because that's what the

Mohammed thing was, right? He was in a teddy bear suit? Yeah. Come on, man. Really? You can't even draw a teddy bear sure because that's what the muhammad thing was right he was in a teddy bear suit yeah like come on man really you can't even draw a teddy bear all right the irony is lost on what kind of fucking religion is you guys aren't you don't have enough love going on the only way you would have this idea in your head that you should die if you draw a fucking teddy bear is if you need a hug man yeah i didn't draw maz jorbanek just for the record. I did not draw that picture. It was a photo. It's a photo. It's not a depiction. Nobody thinks that was Mohammed.

It's Maz. Yeah, even the Islams wouldn't kill you. You're too stupid. Yeah, they'd probably just fucking go see Maz's show. Islamist terrorists. Yeah, they're like, let's go see Maz. How great would it be if we got Maz killed? Wouldn't that just be kind of fun?

I'm kidding. Come on. Jesus. How dare you? We'll be performing with him tonight. Oh, are you really? really Yeah we're doing a show With him at the Ice House Come I said hi

Oh no I've known Maz Tripani Forever He's a good guy I like him a lot He's an awesome guy He's like enormous In the Persian community

Right Isn't he like He performs He's a superstar I think he performs In like Dubai And all these Like places that I

Probably couldn't survive Meaning Just because Not survive physically But just the language would be too strong. He can go overseas and do these gigs. And yeah, he's huge in that community. Yeah, you could get in trouble. Was it Hal Sparks that was saying that he almost got arrested in Dubai?

Was it Hal Sparks? Yeah, he had that whole story where... Yeah, that was Hal, right? For some reason, I confused that story with him and someone else. I don't know why. But yeah, he... Probably Bert Kreischer. No, I... Who do I confused that story with him and someone else. I don't know why. But yeah, he... Probably Bert Kreischer. No, I...

Who do I always confuse it with? Hmm. I don't remember now. But anyway, point is, it's real tricky because you can get locked in jail if you say the wrong things. The wrong thing in the wrong country is scary. That's why I don't go overseas. I mean, people have said, well, do you want to perform in Dubai?

I'm like, I couldn't. Because they're pretty liberal in comparison. But they don't. I mean, come on, man. That's not exactly like performing in Montreal. Well, Hal Sparks, it was him or Eddie Ift. I was just going to say, it's either Eddie Ift or what's his face? Shit.

I bet if we were on Twitter right now, we would know. I want to say it's Eddie. No, I want to say it's Hal Sparks. You think so? I think Eddie Ift had another story that was similar, but I don't think it was the one that we're thinking of where he had a show and he did something in Dubai and something.

Oh, right. No, I think you're right. I think it was Hal Sparks, but all he said was monsieur. What's that mean? You know, like the French name for mister? Monsieur, yeah. Monsieur. that's what he said like he called the guy monsieur whatever the hell his name is and he had but the guy's real name was like he's like a chic so it's like he's like you know i don't know

what you'd say but there's some sort of very ominous distinction that you have to give them you know what i mean not ominous whatever it is you know his royal highness you have to give them you know what i mean not shahlam whatever it is you know his royal highness you have to say something like that you can't say mishua so when he said that they they wanted to arrest him fuck that that's it and that's all i mean that stars are always offered to go to dubai for like tons of money just for a week just go to dubai for a week and be like a prince's slave or something like that wow well like like like your your salaries you know in one fucking week did now did the sheik want him arrested yeah oh no no no the sheik didn't want him arrested at all and that's why um he got away with it because uh the royal family was uh taking photos with him after the show and uh the police when the police show up they have like it's like

a religious police right and when the police showed up, it's like a religious police. Right. And when the police showed up, they released him because they said that it was one guy's idea to arrest him. And that guy was wrong because if the royal family had seen the show and he had said something sacrilegious, they would not be wanting to take pictures with him. Right. So based on the fact that Hal didn't listen to them, because they were saying, like, you wait here for the royal police, or whatever the fuck the police was called. And Hal just went outside the door and started taking photos with everybody, including

the royal family, and that's what saved him. That the royal family thought it was funny. Because otherwise, he was going to be going to jail on one person's recommendation. That's how I remember the story, right? Was that how it was? Something like that. Something like that. Enough to me to say there's no way I could do a fucking show there. That's why I don't go, because it scares me. You don't know all the rules. Like, I know in America I'm not going to get arrested's no way I could do a fucking show there that's why I don't go because it scares me

because you don't know all the rules like I know in America I'm not going to get arrested on stage I know that I mean again as long as you're not

calling for the place to be fucking bombed or a murder to take place just doing my stupid act I'm never going to go to jail not here not here in Canada you get in trouble though

they have that fucking human rights commission that goes after people for the guy who the comic who made fun of the lesbians in the audience who are talking and this stupid human rights commission takes goes after people for the guy who the comic who made fun of the lesbians in the audience who are talking yeah and uh this stupid human rights

commission takes the sides of the fucking hecklers it's so crazy you guys well you know what they're saying is that what he was doing was like hate speech and that should be forbidden and right you shouldn't be able to do that from the stage but you know you don't understand if you're first of all we're we're talking about stand-up comedy which is an art. And we've already established that that's a fucking viable form of that art form. The ultra-offensive Don Rickles style. It's always existed. It's fucking hilarious. When you watch a guy get dressed down in front of all these people because he says something, it's a part of the show.

So when you start talking in a comedy show, you fucking give up all rights to be offended. Right. Okay? Because you're now a part of the show. You fucking give up all rights to be offended. Right. Okay? Because you're now a part of the show.

And we've got to do whatever the fuck we have to do to salvage this show for everyone else in the room. There's 300 other people. But because one asshole wants to get drunk and yell out. And then you go after him or her. Whatever it is. And then you're in trouble because of something harsh that you said to them. They became a part of the show them, they became a part of the show. When you're a part of the show, I am ad-libbing.

I can't guarantee it's going to work. I can't guarantee I'm not going to go over the top. I can't guarantee I'm not going to say something that really was kind of fucked up. But I can guarantee the only reason I'm talking to you is because you fucked up. You don't have any rights. The selfishness that inspired them to talk is the same selfishness that makes them feel they should be vindicated and makes them feel self-righteously angry. It's almost like once you know somebody's a selfish twat, which they are when they heckle,

you know that going into it, they're going to usually get upset because they're selfish people. They're self-centered people. Like this fucking lady that's suing this 11-year-old kid for hitting her in the face with a baseball. Standing near where the kids are throwing baseball. She got hit in the face

by a baseball and she's suing this kid for half a million dollars. What kind of a fucking crazy asshole sues an 11-year-old kid for throwing a baseball? And I'll tell you,

this is what's also repulsive is that happened in Jersey and of course, the little league is not it's not supporting him at all they're going it's a matter between the those cocksuckers walked right away from this guy because they weren't named in the litigation so the selfishness is is everywhere everybody is self-obsessed and it comes from the people that's why people who are insurance companies rape us that That's why they rape us.

Because we're all fucking selfish. People sue, and then the doctors have to pay a higher fucking insurance. They charge you more. But we started fucking each other on the ground level. But there's that thing. It's like I totally agree with way too many people that look at lawsuits as the lottery. I mean, we've all seen videos of people faking falling down when they have those hidden security cameras and they like slip on purpose and you see them like

look around and fall and then they show them the video and they fucking bust them. But there are people that really do legitimately fucking hurt themselves because of someone's negligence. Sure, absolutely.

Like if your mom is walking and some asshole, you know, mopped the floor and didn't tell anybody that it was still wet and didn't put up one of those little things

so everybody chills out, you know, a little danger little thing. And you fall and break your fucking hip. You shouldn't be, you shouldn't have to pay for that. Somebody fucked up. My grandmother got hurt in a bank parking lot like that. She slipped and she hurt herself. And I think she only got a few grand. Like, they kind of fucked around the settlement.

She didn't get anything. She was old or hip fucked up. I see both sides of it. I definitely see that some people get fucked over and by things that other people were negligent about. You know, that they should have

taken responsibility to make sure that their customers were safe. I see that too. But they also see there's a lot of people that look at any opportunity

to sue someone like it's the lottery. Legitimate lawsuits. I'm not talking about those because there are plenty of times where you should be able to sue the doctor because of malpractice.

Like if he sews you up and he leaves something in you, yeah, that's grounds for a fucking lawsuit. For sure. If he makes a critical error should you be able to sue like should a guy be able to sue say if you're giving a guy a massage and that guy wants you to jerk him off no um i think he should actually be able to sue you for not offering to uh that fucking makes me sick these guys are suing travolta for. For two million. Here's what annoys me. Is that the guy said Travolta grabbed for his scrotum.

And then he said like a few minutes later. Whoa, whoa, whoa. How is it a few minutes later, man? If he said Travolta grabbed my scrotum and I dropped the oil and fucking ran out the door. That's a guy that to me is legitimate beef. But what happened was he kept. You're going to tell me as a masseur you don't read that fucking body language?

Every time I push my asshole up in the air the fucking chick massaging me knows exactly what I want. Every time. Every time she creeps up my thigh and I go... She knows I'm saying to her, fucking go for my balls. It's an unwritten... You're going into it with plausible

deniability from both people, but the masseur and the masseuse always knows, the therapist always knows when you want something extra. Always. They feel it.

They read your fucking body. So, do you think that the majority of guys that he propositions, do you think, what do you think

his batting ratio is? I'm going to guess Travolta. If I had, if any of it's true, I will speculate that he's probably batting 800 or 750. He probably makes Ty Cobb look like a fucking ranked amateur. Because a guy in that position, first of all, he's not used to hearing no. And he has enough money to just keep throwing fucking money at you. Sometimes I've upped the ante.

I've upped the ante when it's $150 massage. Like, come on, I'll be really generous. And then you know when you got them. When the other girls do that, gotcha. Like in my head, I'm like, fucking gotcha. I know when they ask a certain question that I got them. How do you know that you got them on that question? Because they wouldn't inquire if they weren't interested.

Like one girl told me, she was massaging me. And I was like, you know, because she's she was massaging me and I was like, you know, because she's like, girls do this? I'm like, yeah, you know, I'll take good care of them

and she's like, I would never do that. She's like, well, how much do you give them? I fucking so got you. I so got you and I did for 300. She let me jerk off.

I rubbed her ass on the bed and I jerked off on the floor. So she gets, she makes deals like you can do this but you can't do that. Yeah, and you kind of

like you have to there's a certain again there's a certain lingo you go with you don't just go i'll give you this because that makes them feel like a prostitute and they're really not prostitutes they're just girls making a few a snap judgment that you're okay and fuck it i'll play with them make a little extra right and it's in a way it's kind of safe it's not like you're gonna do anything crazy you're in a massage parlor well no it's usually my's usually my house. Oh, you bring them to your house? Oh, dude, I can't pull that off in a fucking spa. They won't go near your cock in a spa. They mummy wrap you.

I hate that. Whenever they lift my thigh in a therapeutic fashion and wrap the towel, I'm like, oh, boo. But if you're having them come to your house and massage you, man, how many of those girls are doing the hand release? I'd say I've had maybe a 60 to 70 or 65% batting average, but a lot of them I haven't tried it on because I know they won't. When they walk in the door, a lot of times you can tell by the attitude, the vibe, the body language that they're not going to do that. That's a crazy job for a girl, man.

It's dangerous. Do you ever go to that website, like the Yelp page for that, Happy Endings or something like that? Oh, no. I never knew it existed. Yeah, there's a page that just breaks down every single massage parlor and girls that are in papers and stuff. And it's just like Yelp. Every town?

How helpful. I think it's happyendings.com. That's wonderful. No, I've never done that, but I certainly will. It's pretty legit. I feel much different about it knowing that you actually get these girls to go to your house because I would assume that most girls, when they go to guys' houses, have to be thinking,

there's a very high possibility this guy might whip his dick out. Yeah, a lot of times they know. It depends on if they go there because of a recommendation. Sometimes I'm like, well, she knows that I go with so-and-so massages me and I never do anything with her so she feels comfortable. You read the thing going in. But those therapists, don't tell me you didn't know Travolta's body language, and you could have stopped and walked out whenever you wanted to.

So while I do believe their accounts, I don't believe any of them deserve any money. I feel bad for Travolta. I mean, it's got to be tortured to be that guy and want to do some things that you just can't fucking do, to want to come out and go, yeah, I did it. So what? To have him suing you for millions of dollars? Get the fuck out of here.

Well, his whole situation is so weird because, look, if it's all not true, then it's like, what, is there some crazy conspiracy against this guy? Like, what's going on? I mean, if it's not true, it's terrible and he's being persecuted. And if it is true, so don't fucking massage him. You know what's up now? and he's being persecuted and if it is true so don't fucking massage him you know what's up now the cat's out of the bag if john travolta calls you up and it's two o'clock in the afternoon on a saturday and you got to go to his hotel to massage him assume you have to suck his dick yeah or he's gonna want to suck yours we know okay now we know let's can

we just leave it alone like why do we have to beat it into the ground why does someone have to get sued now you know don't get sued? Now you know. Don't go to John. Did you know? Like, some guys are saying, well, you already had a reputation. Well, then why the fuck did you go? Why'd you go? Maybe their job.

Maybe the job. The boss said, listen, you got to take this one for the team. Yeah, but I think if you tell your boss, like, look, he was opening his asshole the last time. You got to set the rules right away. Mr. Travolta, this is not going to get sexual. rules right away. Mr. Travolta, this is not going to get sexual. Which to him, must be like the ultimate turn on to eventually think

of his dick in your mouth after you're saying those words. It'll make it even more exciting. Yeah, because you start thinking, alright, the question now is how much is it going to take to fucking break that? Yeah. One guy was saying that Travolta was opening his asshole and going, massage here. I guess the guy wasn't taking the

hint, so he said Travolta opened his cheeks, which is a fucking great... Oh my god, he opened his cheeks i guess i guess the guy wasn't taking the hint so he said to open his cheeks which is oh my god he opened his cheeks is he asking the guy who's he asking him to fuck him or just wanted him no i think he was saying massage rub here rub here i guess he was just getting if it's true he was probably just getting sick and tired of fucking not having his body language read the way he wanted he's an animal he's an animal he doesn't give a fuck he's just whipping out his dick bill clinton style dude I've pulled that move though so many times. I'm not as aggressive as him, but with women. He's trying to convert straight guys.

He, yeah, Travolta. I guess when, again, you're on that level, just getting someone gay to blow you means nothing. It's like, I want to get a guy with a wife and kids to stick this in his mouth. Yeah, that would be like you only going after lesbians. Like, how rude. You know, you're getting all creepy with lesbians and going after them only. Why? Why are you doing that?

Yeah, it's just a power thing. You know they don't want it. They're not interested in what you're selling. But what he wants is, again, he wants somebody who will do it. What I want is when I get a massage, if somebody jerks me off, I like it because they have to leave with no complaints.

What are you going to tell? You just jerked me off for money. What are you going to complain about it and go like, hey, Jim, you weren't nice to me. You didn't take me out to eat. You really do. You pay for the finality of the relationship.

Right. This is our relationship right here. You cannot ask me for anything more if I want to give you more, meaning emotionally that's great, and if you want to receive it, that's great, but you can't ask for it

and get mad when it's not given because the totality of our relationship was I handed you money. It's a really weird psychology. Well, it's sort of like when you go to a strip it and get mad when it's not given because the totality of our relationship was I handed you money. It's a really weird psychology. Well, it's sort of like when you go to a strip club and all of a sudden the girls are coming up to you and talking to you and asking you if you'd like a dance, like giving you attention. Like what is this weird world where all of a sudden these beautiful girls come towards you? You know, it's a complete reversal of the real life scenario. That's one of the real life scenario.

That's one of the reasons why it's so intoxicating and crazy when it actually happens. It's like, even though you know they're doing it for money. My goal is to blow a load of my pants in a strip club.

I've done that twice. I've blown two loads of my pants. That was my goal. Whenever they start lap dancing, once in Vegas and once in New Orleans. I was out to get

with Louis Ramey and Pete Correale and they were outside the fucking strip club and I walked out and I had on satin boxers. And I had a fucking load all over them. And I opened my things. I'm like, look, how great is this?

I fucking win. I win. You showed everybody your load. You made me smell your load once at the Opie and Anthony show. Did I really? Yeah, you had a load packed into your belly button. Oh, no. And you gave it to E-Rock and E-Rock almost threw up. And you go, do you want me to smell it?

Do you want to smell it? I go, all right, I'll take a shot. How was it? It wasn't good. Oh, thanks, Joe. It was rough. Thank you. It was rough to listen to.

You guys can't do that kind of stuff much anymore, it seems like, right? Do they censor you guys? Not really. Honestly, no. I mean, we're careful about saying things that will get us sued and certain extreme language. But that's a self-censorship. Anything with bodily fluids they're crazy about because the XM's article and Sirius' article is we are on everywhere in the U.S. and Canada,

and we don't want to have to deal with community standards issue because we're in every fucking corner of the country. Right, so the Tampa laws could possibly apply to you. And they haven't gotten sued, and I don't think they ever will, but you never know. You never want to give them a reason by doing something that's unnecessary. So again, I understand why they self-protect, because it's a

it doesn't cost anything for the city to sue you. It costs none of them any money. Now, you're a fairly conservative guy when it comes to I mean, I wouldn't say, you're very similar to me in a lot of ways that people would think that you'd be liberal, but you're more of a pragmatist. You're more pragmatic in your approach, but you're on like Red Eye all the time, on Fox News and all this. If a guy that gets into the White House next, if someone – I don't know what Mitt Romney's ideas are, but if someone is like right-wing, what is Mitt Romney's ideas about language?

What is his ideas about censorship? I think he's more of a moderate. To be honest, because he was the governor of Massachusetts at one point. I don't think you could be that conservative and run Massachusetts. I think he's more moderate than, say, a lot of conservatives would be. Well, say if they got a Republican candidate that was a more conservative, more radical, Say if they got a Republican candidate that was a more conservative, more radical, sort of a right-wing type of a dude. We, I mean, we easily could see some lockdowns on the Internet, easily could see at least some attempts at censorship of online content and censorship of satellite radio, perhaps moving the FCC, deciding that the government needs to expand. Maybe they'll make some sort of a connection between certain events that have happened

and maybe we need to tone down our standards and make things a little bit nicer. They might go. I mean, know that satellite radio is able. Any fucking person could just turn it on and listen to it. That's not outside the realm of possibility that they would try to clamp down and censor satellite radio just like they have censored broadcast TV. Well, they tried to get their hands on it. They tried already, but because it's a subscription service,

because that opens a can of worms where HBO would then have to allow, and then they'd have to, because nothing on cable is regulated by the FCC. They can't touch it because it's a subscription service. So I don't know if they'll ever be able to get into that because that's too much of a violation. The public airways, their argument is their argument, but I don't think they have any shot at getting cable. Well, I don't think they would either, but I think they could. I think it is possible if the right person was in office.

So much of this country relies on momentum. And with ideas, especially like people that decide what people should and shouldn't be able to say. When someone says you can't say faggot, or someone says you can't say retard, or someone says... And you really go after people that do that. Sure. You get into a very tricky situation where it's like, who decides what can and can't be said?

And that's a weird thing when everybody's pulling back when everybody's you know holding off and not honestly expressing themselves like you can't just completely eliminate words from the vocabulary because you've decided that they hurt feelings too much because what about all the fun times you have calling someone a fucking retard right there's some great moments in life where you say oh my god i'm a fucking retard. There's some great moments in life where you say, oh my God, I'm a fucking retard, and your friends are howling and laughing. You're saying you shouldn't be able to do that anymore?

It shouldn't be able to have a positive thing? It shouldn't be able to be a fun word that you can express either on the radio or through friends? Really? Is it only negative? And only because of the fact that some people negatively react to it,

now it has to be eliminated? Really? Well, again, once the NAACP buried the word nigger, they had that, remember that? They had like a symbolic funeral. And I understood why Michael Richards, I think what he did was shitty, because he was yelling it in anger. There's a huge difference between that

and saying something in the context of a joke. But once that happened, once one word goes, even though that's a reprehensible word and it has a horrible history attached to it, that word has a history attached to it that most words don't. It's a dehumanizing word. And it was used a lot. I mean, and it was used in a direct oppression. There's a lot of reasons why it's a tremendously damaging word.

But the fact that it was quote unquote removed now everybody justifiably says look well if I get hurts me retard hurts me this hurts me and eventually it's going to go into other words so you can't respect any of it

I self censor like you do because I make decisions on what the reaction is going to be is it going to get me the reaction I want but you can't fucking regulate

you can't regulate Lenny Bruce had it right in the fucking 50s he's like if you just say it Over and over again It won't mean anything And it won't hurt

Some little kid's feelings And you call him a nigger It won't mean anything Yeah he was right But I mean He's right It's just Heroin

But they ruined him I mean He's so sad Because he just wanted To do his act for the court Just wanted them to see That it wasn't obscene And like

It's fucking You know It's really a sad Fucking It's a terrifying story It is That and is heroin all of it together without the heroin they still would have went after him you know i mean they still would have fucking ruined his life of course i mean he was the the original groundbreaker but it's almost like you have to have a guy who's just completely wild like lenny the kind of guy that would get hooked on heroin

you almost have to have that guy to be the first guy to really step out like that. But I'm conservative about stuff like that, like about terrorism. I'm conservative about crime, certain tax issues, but I'm very liberal about things like gay marriage. The liberals have really lost me on language. I've begun to hate liberals because of the language obsession, but the conservatives, with their whole anti-gay stance,

I fucking hate them for. Like, I hate the stance they make. Well, the problem on the conservative side, too, is that during the Reagan administration, it got attached with fundamental Christianity. That's when they really started to go after that vote because it's a strong, they unite. The churches are all together and groups are together.

They unite. They'll rally and boycott certain anti-Christian things, especially if something is sacrilegious or whatever they would think it would be that would be wrong. So they rally, and they make a lot of fucking noise. But do boycotts work, though? It worked in Selma in the 60s. But look what happened to Jack Hafferty.

He was on one of the news shows, and he said something about the thugs. He was talking about the Chinese government. And he said something that got him a lot of flack on CNN. And there was Chinese people, Asian protesting. They were very upset. CNN didn't fucking budge. Nothing happened.

How many of these things, because there's always a bigger news cycle right after it. And again, this is a, I don't mean this to take away from the Virginia Tech massacre, but a few weeks after Imus, or two weeks after, the Virginia Tech massacre happened. It takes people's mind Imus, or two weeks after, the Virginia Tech Massacre happened, and it takes people's mind off that, and then nobody's focusing on it.

The news isn't covering it. So the boycotts are meaningless. You've just got to fucking plow through it and ignore it or take it on and point it out for the phony shit that it is, and the boycott will probably not work. That's what you have to do. You have to point it out for the phony shit that it is. It has to be just come on. Just stop. the boycott will probably not work. That's what you have to do. You have to point it out for the phony shit that it is.

It has to be just come on. Just stop. The problem is when networks buckle and companies buckle. And they do. And they do, sure. They're terrified. They only see the negative. They only see the negative.

They don't see any positive aspect in standing your ground on a controversial issue. Because there's a bunch of fucking self-righteous douchebags out there that'll get on Twitter or get on Facebook and make these big, long, I supported your company and I was always a until you this and just, come on, stop. Have you, I mean, and Dana seems like

he stands behind most of the time. I'm sure there's things that bother Dana, but he seems like he kind of stands behind his guys if what he feels is said is reasonable and not. I kind of admire the way... You mean the guys doing the trash talking? No, no, no. Dana White. When things have popped up publicly, he seems like you had a thing and you fucking...

You know, whatever. He didn't dump you, which I was happy to see. A couple of other things he didn't dump guys for, and I kind of respected the way that company handled things on a case-by-case basis and didn't just overreact to every complaint. Yeah, well, you know, they're not dumb. They didn't get to run the UFC by being dumb or being people that conform to other people's ideas.

I mean, Dana and Lorenzo and Frank, they're just bad motherfuckers. They organize this whole thing. The amount of work that guy does is mind-boggling, staggering. He's constantly flying to fucking here and there. And Lorenzo, too. They're international flights and they're constantly fucking working on new deals and expanding

the UFC all over the world. Now they've got the ultimate fighter in Brazil. We just did one. They saw it. 20 million people saw it in Brazil. 20 million people saw it in Brazil. We just did one. They saw it. 20 million people saw it in Brazil. 20 million people saw it in Brazil. Wrap your head around that, dude. You've never seen crowds

like these Brazilian crowds. They go fucking crazy. They go crazy. Before the fights even started, in between fights, they were doing the wave and going nuts. They fucking loved it. I saw that. All the Brazilian the wave and going nuts. They fucking loved it. So, you know...

Oh, I saw that. All the Brazilian guys won on that fight. I mean, who won on that? It was all Brazilian. It was except Fabricio Verdum and Rich Franklin and Vanderlei Silva.

Oh, I'm thinking of the UFC event that was there. Oh, yeah. A while ago. Oh, you're thinking about Jose Aldo and Chad Mendes. Yeah, no, this was

this past weekend. Yeah, it was awesome. It was fucking incredible, incredible fights. But what I was saying is, like, Dana is not a dumb guy. You know, he's way too smart to give in to the stupid shit that's involved in political correctness. He stands his ground and speaks his opinion about everything. And so what he wants from guys in the company

is to just, you know just represent yourself as professionally as possible and try to promote yourself. And a guy like Chael Sonnen knows how to do that. You don't have to tell him how to do that. He figures out how to do it. He knows how to write things. He says hilarious shit, stays in character, and he backs it up with the fact that he can fight his fucking ass off. Yeah, he's a scary guy. He's an animal.

He's a nightmare. And he's a He's an animal. He's a nightmare. And he's a smart dude, man. He's a very smart dude. A smart dude that can beat the fuck out of you. What do you think? Were they scared to have him fight? Because I wondered, like, when I heard he was going to fight Silver in Brazil, I'm like, that's fucking scary, man.

I was scared because I was going to be ringside. Right. And I was like, man, if he wins, this place could get nasty. Because he said a lot of nasty shit about Brazil. About the country, right. And about Brazilians. And that, you know, Brazilian people are extremely proud. Yeah.

It's an incredible place. It's such a friendly culture. I mean, I know they have crime and they have problems. But it is like these martial arts events, the MMA events that we've had there, are so fucking fun. The crowds are so enthusiastic. And no douchebags at all. Everybody there for a party. Everybody there are so fucking fun. The crowds are so enthusiastic and no douchebags at all. Everybody there for a party. Everybody there for a good time. They really root on those

Brazilian fighters though. And when an American guy wins, they get fucking pissed, man. What do you think is going to happen? I mean, I know it's hard to make a prediction, but I mean, I'm so fucking into it. I'm going to this fight with Bob Kelly and we're doing this thing where we're just talking to people for ONA. And I can't believe how fucking psyched they are for this fight. Oh, I'm so to this fight with Bob Kelly, and we're doing this thing where we're just talking to people for ONA. And I can't believe how fucking psyched they are for this fight.

Oh, I'm so psyched. Why'd they move Faber, by the way? Do you know? Well, because Jose Aldo injured his leg. He was supposed to defend his title in Calgary against Eric Koch. But Aldo had a leg injury, so they decided to create an interim title. So it's Hennon Barau versus Uriah Faber for the interim title, and they moved that.

And I think that's a fucking spectacular fight, man. Hennon Barau is awesome, man. I'm bummed out that we don't get to see the Jose Aldo fight, but he'll be back. But they weren't going to be fighting in Vegas anyway. No, that was – where was that one going to be? Is it Calgary? Yeah, that was Calgary.

It's hard to keep track of them all sometimes now. You're so lucky, dude. You're one of the few guys who I can really love what you do, too, because I love Louis. I think Louis is a genius. I don't watch his show because I'm afraid I'll be influenced by it.

I'm afraid, like other comedians who I love, I'll be influenced by watching. But you're doing something that by like watching but you're doing something that's like when you're doing the ufc i can't i don't i'm not going to announce ufc so i can just love what you are doing and i really i've told you i think you're the best announcer in sports oh thank you man i love i love watching those events and listening to you do it and it's really nice to enjoy a friend doing something because i really can't do that yeah it's nice to enjoy i have friends that are musicians,

and I really love watching musicians play because I have no musical talent, no connection to music. So to me, it's just I'm just watching someone play a fucking guitar brilliantly. I just get a jazz out of it. It is a weird thing, though.

You get jazz hands. Yeah. By the way, I don't mean that I don't enjoy you comedically. No, I know exactly what you're saying. When we watch comedians sometimes, I try to be a fan of comedy because I really do love it. So I do watch a lot of comedians. I watch the guys I work with, and I don't worry about it influencing me too much. I think I pretty much have my own idea of what i do now but i know the feeling that i mean we've all been influenced by other comedians

and we've all caught ourselves like when i was young i caught myself doing richard jenny once on stage and i like really realized i was doing it you know it's like it sounded like him you know i was like oh it just sounded so disgusting you know so it's it it's sort of a natural thing sometimes to be influenced by someone you admire, someone who does really well. It's like catching yourself in the mirror when you're walking to get the comrade. You have a glance at yourself

as you're fucking looking down your leg and you're like, oh, wow, what happened to me? You see the load everywhere and you're like, ugh. Yeah, you got a fucking penguin walk. You're like, how did this fucking happen? What the fuck is wrong with me? I imagine that's what it's like if you're washing off a strap-on. You catch yourself in the fucking bathroom mirror.

Yeah, and you're not doing a good job, and you have to go back and clean it more. Yeah, you got to just keep smelling it when you finish. Everything's A-OK to throw it back in the drawer. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, you can't reuse a strap-on. I mean, it should be something that it's so rare that you can spend $30 and throw it in the trash. Fucking throw it out. You feel bad.

It shouldn't be happening so often that you're like, well, I've got to keep a fucking good box of clean ones nearby. You never want to wear one out. You never want to go like, wow, this has seen better days. I wonder what the world record is for straight guys that have taken it up the ass with a strap on. I wonder if there's... Who cares about that record? I would love to know that record. I'll never break it, but I'll admire whoever got it.

Yeah, there's certain things in the world record where you're like, I mean, how badly do you want to be recognized, you creep? You're going to grow your fingernails 15 feet long and kill the nerves in your arm? Those guys that grow their fingers long, they suffer permanent nerve damage. They just look like their hands smell.

Oh, yeah. You ever smell under a nail? It's not good. Those nails are insane. That's like some kind of crazy obsession. Have you ever seen those, Brian? Yeah, it's disgusting. It's really nutty. Pull up a picture of the guy who won the world's record for the longest nails

because this guy, like literally his arm became useless. Is he Indian? Yes. Okay, I think I've seen him before. And he just wanted to get in that Guinness Book, man. To him it was so important that he gave up the use of one of his arms just so he could grow the longest nails. And they look like a tree.

He looks like an asshole. Oh, my God. Look at my nails. Look how nutty that tree he looks like he looks like an asshole oh my god look how nutty that is but he just looks like an asshole like but why don't people tell him like you look stupid look at that oh my god is that her nails yeah no they can't be real that's like jazz hand they can't be real yeah does it say they're real yeah that's a jazz hand wolverine come on man does it say they're real of course course it's real. Why would a woman fucking have to take Rose Longus nails? What does it say? Rose Longus nails. Number one. Oh, my God.

Lee Redmond. She has a giant head, too. Her head is awful. God, those nails are insane. I think I saw her in MyFreeCams. Oh, my God. How does she even wipe her pussy? Yeah, right.

Exactly. Dude, back up. Check that shit out. Oh, there's a video of her. But that's not her. They're all short right there. That's her. That's her.

Why are they so short there? Oh, my God. These are wolf claws. This is so strange. I stopped filing them. And I just kind of challenged myself to see how far they would go before they started twisting out of shape. And I couldn't cut them. So they just kept growing and growing.

And I kept setting dates and dates that I was going to do it. And then I started getting all of this worldwide notoriety. And then it's strange how they become part of you. Exactly what her house I thought would look like a writer fan in the Midwest. Look at how the nails go under her forearm while she was writing. The door was open and I looked out and I could see the road going and I

just felt kind of like a suction and I remember nothing after the feeling of being sucked out of the vehicle but the first thing I spotted was a fingernail, and I just, oh, and I kind of started to cry. There's one of my fingernails.

Oh, gross. Oh, that's great. I couldn't have had a better ending as far as I'm concerned. Wow. Fucking broke her thumbnails. Good. That is crazy. I wonder if her nails were the fault of the accident.

Right. She probably couldn't steer properly. Oh, yeah, right? Yeah. She probably couldn't grip the fucking thing right. Look at this the accident. Right, she probably couldn't steer properly. Oh, yeah, right. She probably couldn't grip the fucking thing right. Look at this guy here. Oh my god, that's the Indian guy. Oh, look at those things. They're so... Oh, that's so much longer than hers. You should see her with that woman's pussy. See, so she had the

woman's longest nails, but this motherfucker's got the longest nails. I mean, them shits are ridiculous. That's a totally different animal. I think that's meaty, more meatier. How much would you love to fucking just axe those? Can you turn this up? The impression of me changed,

and I became not an ordinary man. I was not an ordinary man anymore, and so that pushed me to keep my conviction. His nails look like alien nails. Imagine chewing what they taste like. Oh my god.

Look, he's got them taped together. And the tape has gotten yellow also. Look how gross that is. He's got it taped up and it swings around in a big circle around his thumb. I would not want to eat at this restaurant now. Dude, his fucking arm is worthless.

You're useless. What are you doing, dude? He gave up use of his left arm just to be a cool guy with the longest nails. But who... Does his wife not tell him, like, those look terrible? I don't know, man. In India, people are different in different parts of the world. What if in India that's the shit?

It's probably like a hoarder. It's probably like a disease, a mental disease. Oh, yeah. You're probably right. You have a sense of accomplishment, so there's one thing in your life that is normal or awesome or something. One thing you're good at. Not cutting your nails. What a shitty thing to be good at.

It's so crazy. The idea that somehow or another there's value. But it is, because people are paying attention to him. Yeah, but not good attention. People pay attention to Sandusky, too, but not for the, like, you know what I mean? It's bad reasons. Yeah, but they're not angry at him. They're like, whoa, they want to look at it.

Maybe that's all he needs, you know? He just needs someone, like, to want to stare at him and just a reaction. I mean, is it even positive? It's like, ooh, like, people look at it. They look at him. It's not, it's horrific, for sure. It's disgusting. But it's also energetic.

You're like, oh, whoa! Like, to him, it might be just that. Just the fact that everywhere he goes, there's no denying that he gets a significant reaction. So that's enough. So it gives him importance. It gives him something. You think he's a very uninteresting guy,

and that's the one time people show interest. Every story he tells, people probably zone out. He probably sees their eyes going up in the air. He's probably a terrible bore. I bet all he talks about is his fucking stupid nails you think so all day you think he segues

every conversation tries to steer it back to his fucking stupid left hand yeah his wife wants to talk about the news

there is a guy in Pakistan who thinks he can grow longer nails than me fuck you I say to him fuck you

I will never quit he thinks I would quit and he just gets mad and hears about dudes trying to take his crown what if there's like a online giant nail community where they can like check there's like fat websites where dudes would try to gain weight on purpose and like talk like it was like sort of a bear thing and talk about a hot their guts looked wow yeah yeah it sounds

like when i try to end a relationship. That's what Brian does. He just eats himself into a fucking sponge shape. And then they're like so disgusted with me, they break up with me. It's hard for me. I got a lot of weight to lose now, guys. Dude, that's a hilarious joke. You should talk about that on stage because it's so funny. And it is true.

I think actually I have. You should do it more often. It's really hard to not eat like a fucking pig, man. It's hard, dude. I hate my body. It's just for the speed alone. I just forget to eat and I'm like, oh shit, I really need to eat because I'm not going to be able to eat for like five hours.

What do I have? Jack in the box. All right. Yeah, that's one of the reasons I like being home so much. One of the favorite things is because I can actually eat real food and control what I eat and actually go to the supermarket and having to eat at restaurants all the time. Plus the temptation. If you're hungry and you're out on the road and you see a Wendy's, like, damn, double

cheeseburger would be pretty fucking good right now. But you work out so much. I went out with you once in Austin and you had fucking pancakes. You had a man's meal. I'm trying to nibble on salmon like a fucking fruit. But I'm like, you know what? Because you do how many you work out for so long, you can get away with that and fucking do what you want.

You can't let it get out of hand. You can only keep eating pancakes and shit as long as you're actually eating regular food for the most part. Right. Like healthy food for the most part. And then when that pancake comes up, you deserve that bitch. Go crazy. How often do you give yourself to cheat like that?

Every couple days. Every like three or four days. I try to do it every day, but I don't restrict myself. If one day I'm at the coffee shop and a coconut macaroon looks extra delicious, I'll fucking eat that coconut macaroon. How often do you work out? Almost every day. Okay.

The key is to just keep... I take at least one or two days off a week, depending on the week. But the key is to keep it mostly positive, mostly healthy. You know, 90% really good food, 90% salads. But if you ever want to get some Kentucky Fried Chicken, come on, man. Just have some chicken. I would love to have some, actually. It's delicious.

I really haven't had KFC in years. You know what I like? I like KFC cold with hot sauce. I take that El Yucateca Habanero sauce. That's the shit you can only get at Mexican supermarkets. I order it online on Amazon.com. You mean Doug.com. Oh, dude. And you pour some of that hot sauce

and then dip the chicken in there until your fucking mouth wants to explode. Oh, so you like it like that? I love it. I have to piss desperately. Can I run and piss? Oh, yeah. But I try not to eat too much of that shit. But when I want to eat something that's shitty, I fucking eat it. It's fun to actually eat with you because you order so much.

And it's kind of like, hey, let's get to see half the menu all at once. It's kind of like if you're an employee and it's your first day of training and they usually cook one of everything. You kind of do that in some ways. And you'll have like, oh, I have just a little piece of this. That's only after like two shows. If we do like two shows somewhere, then I become a glutton. I've never seen anyone though in my whole life eat like you until I met you.

I've never heard of ordering more than one appetizer. That was new to me. There's so many things that when I first got to meet you that was so shocking to me. Now I find myself doing them all the time like talking about masturbating i never would talk about my masturbation uh out in public to anybody you know now i did i talk about it all the time but you like broke that wall or whatever what was down before you've done a lot to me and i think you're very influential with a lot of people that listen to this podcast and friends and so they're all masturbating and talking about it they're all masturbating talking about it and well you know i think we all influence each other you know i think uh

there's uh positive things that we can learn from always and from everybody but uh you know shouldn't be worried about talking about masturbating yeah that was weird it's all weird it's all weird it's one of the things i love about norton he doesn't give a fuck he'll talk about anything he's just so crazy. Sometimes he shocks me. I hear him talk about things like his girlfriend fucking him with a strap on. I want to protect him. Don't say it anymore.

Stop. Stop now. This is too crazy. All the urine stuff. He's awesome. The other thing that happened to you is you got into the world of the stand-up comedian. You went from the world of the computer salesman, a regular person, to the world of the stand-up comedian, which is in the world. It's like becoming a stripper.

In the world of. Well, it's like becoming a part of a weird community of miscreants. You know, and of artistic types and, you know, and creative types and a lot of fucking weird people, man. So it's like your whole reality changes. So that's why, like the other day when you were in that club doing jokes and people in the audience were like freaking out and patting their head with napkins. You got to realize they're not around fun people. They don't get that opportunity. I think, and Jimmy, I bet you agree, that one of the best things about being a comic is did

that your friends with comics get to hang out with comics like it like a guy like Colin or like like you know Joey Diaz like you know you you get to hang out with Brian Callen you know you get to hang out with people who were fucking really entertaining and fun to be around all the time you know it's a really weird thing with comics like I do think my friends I'm friends with the funniest people in the country. I was on a plane going back to New York and Seth Meyer was on

the plane. I didn't know if it was 100% him. I've never met him, but I knew. It was a really weird cool feeling to know that at the end of the flight I think he's great. I wanted to tell him that and I knew that I could as a comic. I knew that he might not know a lot of what I've done.

But I knew he would recognize my face. And I would be able to talk to him for me. It was really weird. That's what it must feel like to be an actor and see another actor. I'm psyched whenever I fucking see a comic who I like. And I know I can just go up and say hello to him. And even if they don't know who I am, if I say I'm a comic. Like Joan Rivers, when I met, didn't know who I was.

But when she found out I was a comic, she had her road manager fucking pass me a newspaper. She's like, yeah, she said you look like you need something to read. I was on the plane doing nothing. So I was like it was just a nice bond to have, and I love being friends with comedians. Yeah, especially because I think both you and I, when we started out, we would look at professional comedians with such awe and reverence. You know, the idea that one day you were going to actually be a professional. You know, you're a real comic and then now you get to hang out

with real comics and you're actually like working with these people. And they're like the people that you admire or the idea of the people that you admired when you were a kid, you know?

And to know that they respect you and that you're welcome in the group. It sounds, you know, it's like as comics we always want to be accepted and to know that you're not an outcast comic like there's comics that some guys look at going right and you never want to be that guy because that's got to be awful but to know that other comics like me you know even if they don't enjoy my act they like me personally it's fun it's it's a nice feeling and it's a feeling of belonging which is is very important absolutely humans like to be accepted i mean every human wants to be accepted and the crazy thing about comedy is you're asking

for acceptance for you going out on crazy limbs i mean you're going out on the limb where you're standing on stage demanding people's attention and trying to make them react a certain way and laugh which is incredibly difficult you could never get a computer to figure out how to do it. There's nuances and subtleties to it that really only exist organically. I don't know. I think they will. With chess, it was the same thing. They got Kasparov.

Yeah, but those are moves. Those are moves. Those are numbers. Two to the left, one to the right. It's a big difference between that and the idea of humor. You might be able to get some humor. You're never going to figure out Joey Diaz on a computer. What's funny is that he's really Joey Diaz. What's funny is that's the real

dude. He really doesn't give a fuck. You can suck his dick. He gets up at 8 in the morning and goes right to the fucking pot dispensary like a doctor. You know what I'm saying? He's a real human. You can't invent a Patrice on a computer. You're not going to do it. You're not going to figure it out

yeah it was a I don't know have you tried alienware try to do do do Patrice funny fuck man oh he was awesome man and any guys

like I don't give a fuck guys and he really again another guy who just didn't I think at times he probably should have like when you look back

over history like yeah he probably would have been farther along if he had cared earlier on but the business finally couldn't ignore him at the end like after the sheen roast like oh that's what this guy does yeah and they couldn't ignore it anymore and of course that's that's when he died just well you know what man he's it's it's real hard for a lot of great comics to figure out how to market themselves you know we all know guys like nick

de paulo who's one of the fucking funniest guys ever. Nick DiPaolo's a great stand-up comedian. I saw him again the last time I was in New York. I went by Caroline's just on a random night for whatever reason. On a lark. I wasn't working. Oh, it was the night before I was supposed to work. That's what it was. And I didn't know that DiPaolo was going to be there.

And right before he got on stage, I arrived. So I sat in the audience like like an like an audience member just sat and watched the entire set i was fucking crying crying that dude is funny he's fucking brilliant he's so and he's always writing you know he was doing something about katrina victims not getting rescued because they couldn't spell help. It said, Hep, you want some Hep? Dip your fucking fingers in that water. You want some Hep? Dip your fingers in that water. And it's not just the punchline.

It's the tagline. It's equally brilliant and punchline funny. It was just so mean and so like fucking Boston. There's that certain style of comedy that again, people would protest for sure. There's a lot of shit that DePaulo would say that people would get mad at.

That's why it's funny. It's funny to watch him at the cellar when they get upset because he, Nick, has no fucking fuse. He immediately gets annoyed at them when they groan. Does the cellar more sensitive? They don't know who they're walking in to see. A lot of them are tourists.

And then Nick will go on. And sometimes he'll say something that's genuinely harsh. Like that I'm in the back going like, oof. And like one girl in the front will go like, oh, you fucking NYU cunts. And he just blasts the entire room. I just love the fact that he has no patience for their objection. I've seen Nick DePaul get mad at people for crossing their arms. This fucking guy crossing his arms looking at me here.

Yeah, what are you, bored? You don't even laugh. You don't think that's funny? Piece of shit. But a guy like that I don't even like to watch because he's such a good comic and he's so funny and it's like I'm not going to be as good as that guy. All I do is measure myself. I'm on the road with

I'm doing gigs with Artie and Nick and Atel. We're doing these gigs together, the four of us. It's uncomfortable to watch Atel. He's so brilliant. Why don't you just enjoy it? Can you just enjoy it? I probably should. You're probably right. You can do it. You know what, man? I used to think

the same way. I used to think, wow, I used to not want to watch somebody because then I would bomb if I went on after them because i'd be thinking about their act and judging my own act and saying fuck i'm gonna i suck yeah this guy but then somewhere along the line i learned how to just laugh i learned how to just watch comedy and just enjoy it and not worry about like my own shit and just look i've know it's worked before you know don't be so uh attached to it but, but don't worry about it. Just do the work.

Do the work that it takes to create an act that's good enough so you don't have to worry about it. And then enjoy it. So, like, when I go on the road and I take Ari with me or Duncan or Joey Diaz, I like watching. I like standing on the sidelines and watching Joey Diaz. I like howling with laughter. It's fun. I don't think, holy shit, he's killing. I go on right next. I never think that. I like howling with laughter. It's fun. I don't think, holy shit, he's killing.

I go on right next. I never think that. I think, this is awesome. This is fun. I want to watch a guy who's hilarious. He's making me laugh. I think that was just a shift in my consciousness. I just had to kind of understand things better.

I had to get older. Right. Once I figured that out, it changed the way I looked at comedy. It's funny, man. It's so hard to do that. You get so quick. It used to be I had to feel negative before I went on.

I had to feel like I suck and I'm not going to do good. I was almost lowering all expectations. So if I bomb, I kind of knew. Now I don't do that. Now I kind of assume, like, yeah, it'll be good. You've been around long enough. Well, how bad does it feel when you go on stage cocky? And I've done this before, and I've seen people do it before, and you eat it.

You go on stage cocky. You don't ingratiate yourself somehow or another. You miss the connection initially with the audience, and then you're already running on borrowed time. You know what I mean? Then you fucking feel like you can't get any traction, and then you're forcing bits, like we were talking about earlier, like over emotion. It's so gross when you just didn the the the thing with enough fear you didn't approach it with enough reverence you know you got cocky you thought you're just gonna be able to i've seen joey diaz do that i've seen him have bad sets because of that it's just it's one of those things you know i think we all do i mean i think we all go through it where you go up and you're

just like i'm gonna fucking hammer these people and where you go up and you're just like, I'm going to fucking hammer these people. And then you go up. And then once you miss the connection, it's usually you can salvage something. Yeah. Like, I was worried tonight when I went out and I sat on panel because the first couple of jokes were like, eh. Well, you had 14-year-old girls in the audience, though. But I'm like, that scared me because I'm like, this is a fucking big show. You fuck it. And it's like you start all those years of doing gigs. You start reaching for, like, you know how to manipulate your act and your set

and what you're doing to kind of make it work. And I knew where to go where I could get a laugh, and it was like I did that. But you were totally playing to these people in this audience and not to the millions of people around the world that were listening to you. Well, I was doing stuff that I wanted to do anyway, but I cut certain things and went in a different order because even though i'm talking to the people at home you want the people at home to see you doing well because even though they're gonna laugh what they're gonna laugh

at if they see you you don't want to bomb on a show that would be horrible it would stink even if the jokes were good the evidence proves that they they weren't good right here i laughed at home fuck you these people in the audience didn't laugh at all. Yeah, it was uncomfortable. Like, they're just going to be uncomfortable for you. Like, doesn't he know this is a big shot? Especially since you have this history

of talking about all of your perversions and then here you are in front of 14-year-old girls just about anything that's on your mind. Like, whatever bit that you were about to do.

I mean, you would never have expected that would have been your crowd before you got there, right? Well, I knew it because they told me that I were about to do I mean And you would never Have expected That would have been Your crowd Before you got there Right Well I knew it Because they told me That I was supposed To do this Friday

With Who's there Andrew Garfield Who's playing Spider-Man I was going to be On the couch with him Which would have been Perfect

If it were a similar Audience I'm sure That demo And what I'm looking for Right But then they said Look because of the finals Everything's

We want to put you On Wednesday Which is a much bigger show Because it's the middle Of the week And you know Justin Bieber's on it and I'm like I'm like I don't know if I I almost didn't want to do it because I realized the size of the show is different but I'm like I don't want to eat my fucking balls and they're like look you'll be fine

we have faith in you and and again I pulled it out but um it could have been a disaster it was a disaster waiting to happen that was scary it's it's such a shit audience for your sense of humor. You have a perverted sense of humor. Yeah. And it's all, a lot of it is, you know, even the clean stuff is like people know,

like there's always this wink, wink, hint, hint that you're a perv, you know, under the surface of it all. They didn't know what the happy ending was. Like I said,

there was a happy ending. The joke I did was there was a happy ending and that I did it. And you let destroys in clubs, but they were all like, huh, why would he do a happy I'm like oh fuck

I almost started tugging my tie I don't get no respect oh I was fucking panicking man in my heart I'm like did you think about like playing to the people at home that must have been able

to realize that you were in front of some 14 year old girls like especially your fans I did but I again I wanted to do decent because again Mila Kunis is on the couch next to you it's like i don't want to bomb in front of this fucking 11 she was great by the way yeah she

was really fucking cool yeah she was very nice and uh it helps when somebody on the couch is kind of with you right right right they'll laugh a little in the background i did panel one time with bill marr and i was not supposed to do with another comedian but the lead guest canceled, so they just got Maher last minute. They never put two stand-ups on the panel. And they told me, look, certain things you were going to talk about. This is like during McCain-Obama running. Bill's going to talk about it. So I had to switch my set.

But Bill was surprisingly supportive on panel, which really fucking helped a lot because that could have been a disastrous situation. I found out when I was in the store trying to buy a t-shirt an hour before I had to go over to NBC. Like, look, we got some new Bill Maher is going to be and you're going to have to change. So, wow. So you were on your way over there. What bits did you have to do that were different?

I forget what I was talking about, but it was something about Obama and McCain. It was in like October or whatever of 08, which is the last time I've done panel because after that it was the Jay Leno show and then all these bits I was doing. I think it would be kind of interesting to see your take after his take. You know? I mean, as long as you're not doing the same jokes,

why aren't you allowed to? I mean, I probably could have. I don't remember what they're... I don't think they said don't, but they might have said you might want to rethink it. Okay. Well, you know, again, to them too, what is it?

You know, they expect two comics to go up and both of them do, you know, McCain-Obama jokes. Okay. Well, you know, again, to them, too, what is it? You know, they expect two comics to go up, and both of them do, you know, McCain-Obama jokes. Yeah. You know? They probably wanted to switch in just tempo or tone. Yeah, yeah. Two guys up there talking about the exact same thing. They might have felt it would have been bad for me. So what did you switch to?

I don't remember. I never watch the set when I'm finished. Like, I won't watch tonight. I mean, I'll check on Twitter. Let's hope it's a fucking good one, because I'll never see it. Just make sure. I do that after fights. Sometimes I check on Twitter. Let's hope it's a fucking good one because I'll never see it. Just make sure. I do that after fights sometimes. I check to see if anybody says I suck cock.

Who would say that? Honestly, dude. It's a bunch of dudes that are haters. Or if I make a mistake or I miss something in a replay or something like that. You never know. People find something to be upset about. I'm always amazed when you – because I watch the UFC the way – I love it so much, but I'm not – I can't see what they're doing. But when you go into it, you better watch that right hand.

I think it was Henderson bisping was the best example that I ever saw. My right one, Dan Henderson knocked out Bisping. I think you were saying he's going to walk right into his right and a minute later. Well, it was really a classic mistake that you do with a big puncher. You move towards his power punch. You should never do that because you kind of accentuate the punch. If you're running away, like especially if you're kind of running circular, most of the time when you're running away, you're not really running straight back.

You're running like side to side. And Bisping continued to run towards Dan Henderson's right side. He was running towards his left. So, in fact, he's actually accentuating the punch he's running into the power of it so all henderson has to do is time his move because he keeps going that way it's like he keeps giving it up he's not it's frankie edgar will go left and then he'll go right and he'll go left like clay guida just fought gray maynard a lot of people thought that it was a boring fight because you know went five rounds and guida had a hard time engaging him

but the bottom line is his movement is what allowed him to stay safe because that Gray Maynard is a fucking murderous puncher. That kid punches really hard. So he played a smart footwork strategy, whether or not you liked the fight or not. For his safety, his movement was excellent, but Bisping wasn't doing that. Bisping had made an error and kept moving in the same direction.

And Dan Henderson, I knew, was going to time that. And when he did, it was like one of the greatest KOs in the history of the sport. That was one of the best one-punch knockouts ever. And the follow-up. Oh, the follow-up was ruthless. He's going to fight Jon Jones September 1st. Who Henderson is. Oh, yes.

Oh, yeah. I asked Jon about that when we interviewed him. He seemed kind of, he's like, look, if I can't beat a guy in his 40s in a contact sport, that was his take on it. Is that what he really said? Yeah, he said something about that. He's like, come on, man. He's like, you know.

Wow. Well, he's so confident. I mean, you think about what the guy's done. Go through Shogun. I mean, go through Machida. Choke him unconscious and drop him. Yeah. I mean, the way he, you know, he beat Rampage, went through Rampage, choked Rampage.

I mean, Rampage is a tough motherfucker, man. Jon Jones is putting away some tough guys. Rashad Evans is a bad motherfucker, but his decision's Rashad, you know? Rashad got a tough game. I think a bit of a tougher time, though. I mean, they went the full five rounds, and he couldn't knock him out. But I think Jones won all five rounds. Well, you know what?

Jones is a bigger guy. And Jones definitely landed more shots and definitely forced his game on Rashad. Rashad, I think, at one point in time when they were training together, was probably better than Jon Jones. But when a guy like Jon Jones comes along, it's like you miss him for a month. And then you come back and you see him a month later. And you look at him at the gym. You look at him at the gym and he's like 15 better right you're like this guy got 15 better in a month and i'm not exaggerating there's certain

dudes that just have like a unbelievable ability to absorb moves and then and recreate them like in in real time situations like you could teach certain guys jujitsu techniques and they could just go out and do them and then you could teach another guy you could teach them the same shit for 100 years and never fucking figure out how to pull it off on a live person do you think that uh with with sun and and uh silva do you think there's a lot of i mean there's a lot of pressure on silva but do you think he has an undue amount of pressure on him well like john jones silva is an incredible, special athlete. What makes Jon Jones so amazing is you look at his who's who of opponents since he started in the UFC, and then you look back and see the guy's only been around for four years in MMA. I mean,

it's really incredible what he's accomplished. Jon Jones is truly the newest next level of athlete. Anderson Silva is a totally different story. Anderson Silva is a real veteran. He's a guy who at one point in time didn't have a ground game, and he has some losses in the past, and he's shown vulnerability. He's lost on some highlight reel losses like the Takahashi mounted triangle or when Rio Chonin hit him with a flying heel hook. He flying scissors-sweeped him like a fucking movie.

I mean, he dove on his legs like pro wrestling. It was crazy. And then caught him in a heel hook, made him tap. The whole thing took like three seconds. It was incredible. You know, so Anderson has tasted both victory and defeat. Jon Jones is a completely different thing. Jon Jones is this new level,

this next level shit, where he comes up and you take all these veterans of the game and he ragdolls them. He ragdolled Shogun. I mean, he ragdolled Shogun. He jumping fucking knee him in the face, the very first technique he throws, and he connects. And then he just beat him from pillar to post.

I mean, he was never in trouble. Didn't it seem like Machida hit him really hard? Machida got a really couple of good shots in, right? And he was fine. Yeah. I mean, Machida had the best result that anybody's had against John in the first round. It was probably one of the first rounds that John's lost in the UFC. You know, Machida won that striking exchange. So then John takes him to the ground and smashes him and chokes him unconscious.

I mean, what he can do to guys when he manhandles dudes is very unusual. Anderson is a different dude. Anderson is not unbelievably physically strong. What Anderson is is like a super technician who's like really dedicated to the game and has developed his game in front of our eyes where at one point in time he didn't have the ground game. He was just mostly like a really badass kickboxer that would try to take guys' heads down. But then a guy like Carlos Newton got him down and mounted him and really controlled him pretty easy on the ground. Takahashi did the same thing.

In the Newton fight, I don't remember, they gave him a red flag or a yellow card, rather, where I think they took some money off of Newton because they said he was stalling. So they stood him back up. I think that's what happened. But anyway, the result of, for whatever reason, they stood back up. Anderson Silva flying knee him in the face and stopped him. But when he would get stuck on the ground, sometimes he would get tapped. But he changed. He changed and evolved and became a guy with a full game. And then in the Chael Sonnen fight, that was real. I mean, he'd already gotten Dan Henderson by submission, you know, where he

got Dan's back and then choked him out. He tapped Travis Luter with a triangle, too, but it was because he had Travis Luter stuck in between his legs and he was smashing him with elbows. Ruthless, ruthless elbows. But he developed a real ground game, like a real Brazilian jiu-jitsu black belt

level ground game. He is a black belt. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a real, I mean, not just a black belt. Like, he's very high level. He's really good. When he caught Chael Sonnen with that triangle, that was some smooth technique. And it was the fifth round of a fight where he was getting beat down.

He had lost every round, I think, didn't he? Absolutely he did. There's no question about it. It would be a crime to state that he didn't lose those rounds. If anybody gave those rounds to Anderson, they should be arrested. And do you think that Chael, I mean, it shows you something.

It's obviously a heartbreaking loss, but the fact that he kept going after him instead of just dancing and staying away for that last couple of minutes, which he could have done and easily won the fight, but Chael's an animal. Well, it's also that he was exhausted. I mean, you've got to realize he's fought four and a half rounds going 150 miles an hour, taking the guy down, lifting him up in the air, slamming him down. And Chael was on the podcast, and he was talking about how tiring it is. And he's really honest about shit like this. One of the things I love about that guy, he said that

a human body is not supposed to fight five minute rounds going full clip. You just simply can't do it. So you have to figure out how much energy you're going to clip. You just simply can't do it. So you have to figure out how much energy you're going to exert. You're going to try to pace yourself. You're going to try to slowly drag this fight out. But you know if you completely go for it, like in the Vandele Rich Franklin fight. Did you see that this weekend? No, I didn't see any of it.

It was a great fight. Vandele caught Rich Franklin in the second round and almost put him away, had him really hurt, jumped all over him, swarmed on him, but burned himself out because Franklin survived. And then in the third round, Vanderlei was done. He was just exhausted. And then Franklin took him down, beat him up. It probably cost Vanderlei the fight because he went for the knockout.

It's like a perfect example. It's like you really can't go full clip for five rounds. Your body just doesn't work that way. It's like a perfect example. It's like you really can't go full clip for five rounds. Your body just doesn't work that way. It's like a sprint. You can't sprint for 25 minutes. He's one guy I'm dying to get on Opie and Anthony. I've met him. I've spoken to him briefly.

He would do it. He's never in New York. Oh, well, you know what, man? You talk to Dana White, especially if he wins. I'm sure they're going to want to put him on some crazy tour. And even if he loses, he'll do a tour. I hope so. Yeah, he'll do a tour.

He's a bad motherfucker. And he's a publicity machine. That guy does everything. It was funny. I saw an interview you did with him where he goes, I'm not about fight promotion. And you're like, what? What are you doing?

I admire your balls for calling him out on it because it's very funny. Well, it's fun to hear him defend himself, too, because he has the best definitions of things. When he was talking about the fight, like losing the fight, he goes, I did not lose to Anderson Silva. I don't know where you come from, but where I come from, if you hold a man down and beat the shit out of him for five rounds, then he wraps his legs around your head for eight seconds, and he wins.

Yeah, he does have a great way of... It's like, how many fighters would take that approach? I mean, everybody else would take this approach of, you know, try to be humble or try to say, you know, well, you know, God puts mysterious plans in front of me and I'm going to go back to the drawing board and see what I can do.

And instead he pretends that he's undefeated, undisputed. He brings a fake belt to the press conferences. I mean, he just takes things to a completely ridiculous and new and original level. His level is very different. His type of trash talking, in my opinion, is so much more interesting than a guy like Muhammad Ali because Muhammad Ali's trash talking was at least

he was being honest about his skills and he was being honest about his past. He's denying entire chapters of his past, of his record, undefeated, undisputed. He says he's the champ. That's funny. There's something really entertaining about it. But does that get distracting as a fighter? When you're fighting, do you get distracted or caught up in that?

You could. I'm sure you don't in the training camp, but I wonder if that becomes a distraction at all because you're so busy building this kind of machine around you, this PR machine. I mean, I don't want to raise Rocky III as an example, even though because he's on the losing end of it, but does that get distracting for a fighter?

It can. It depends on the guy. I don't know how Chael handles it. You know, but you think about how much trash he talked before the first Anderson Silva fight, and he fought pretty fucking good. But then again, there's the talk that Anderson was injured in that fight, you know, that he had a rib issue. You know, I don't know how much of it played a factor. Anderson in the past has had issues with some guys that were wrestlers like Travis Luter,

but that was another fight that he took injured. I know for sure he was injured because his manager told me after that fight that Anderson had had meniscus surgery on both knees just five weeks before that fight. It's incredible. I mean, the fact that he was able to have a cage fight and defend the world title against a tough guy like Travis Luter five weeks after knee surgery. What is meniscus surgery? You cut your knee open, man, and they trim out

the padded area. Some of the padded area in between your knee gets broken up and torn, especially doing jiu-jitsu and wrestling. A lot of guys tear their tissue inside their knee, and they go in, they scope it, and they clean it up and smooth it out. He fought five weeks later.

Have you had surgeries like that? Yeah, I've had that. Five weeks later is incredible. That's a fucking man surgery. Yeah. Five weeks later, it still hurts. It's still sore when you get on your knees. And this guy's fighting.

I had my turbinate shrunk recently and I felt like a warrior. But they put the fucking needle in my nose so I could breathe a little bit better. I felt good about that. But you get fucking man injuries, dude. Well, I had the nose thing too. I had the deviated septum operation. Yeah, me too. What a fucking brilliant thing that is.

I'm so happy that doctors figured out a way to fix your fucking nose so you can breathe out of it. For people who have that issue and you can't breathe out of your nose, if you can, set aside some time. Plan it out. Set aside some time and get that shit fixed. My God, that's a freeing feeling. The first time i can go my whole life my nose was useless i broke my nose when i was like five so my whole life's like wow it's terrible right oh it's the worst you're going everywhere not breathing i wonder

how many shitty decisions i made in my life because i wasn't getting enough oxygen i'm not kidding man i'm fucking that was a mouth breather is. There's a reason why they call people mouth breathers and they think of them as idiots. This mouth breathing fucking idiot. It's because when your mouth is open, you look like an idiot. You can't look like anything but a fucking dunce when your mouth is open. Yeah, you can't be a bad motherfucker with your mouth open.

If your chick's blowing you and that's your face, you're going to fucking really turn her off. I like to put a purposely awful face on when I'm getting blown. A blah face? Just to further the punishment. There was a guy that used to post on my message board. I don't know if he was telling the truth or not. It was a really interesting sort of a thing because the guy was obviously a very talented writer,

and he had a website where he would write about his encounters with women. And he would set up these women who are low-income women who needed money. You mean easy women. Slowly but surely, he would integrate himself into their lives and start having them obligated to him, like giving them an apartment. Yeah, sugar daddy shit.

Yeah, but he would do it nice and slow, and then he would start getting them to suck his dick. And that's how they started paying him because they didn't have any money. Like, he was going to call the cops. I mean, this guy, like, would orchestrate it. He would know that they couldn't afford things and set them up,

and he would even loan them some money at first to get things rolling, and then when they couldn't pay him back, he would say, you know, say, listen, we're going to work this out. And he would purposely make his diet disgusting. He would eat asparagus and, and drink black coffee.

And he had like a bunch of different things that he would eat to purposely make his loads disgusting and cigarettes to some, I think it was cigarettes. Do you remember this guy? Do you remember? I was just kidding. I didn't think you really did this. Yeah.

People banned, they banned him eventually from the men's board cause he was such a creep. But yeah, he, you know, he would have these, even if they weren't true stories, they were brilliantly written.

It was really interesting, the writing. I mean, it was like inside the mind of a total sociopath that is just getting these poor girls and just doing crazy shit to them, like coming inside their asses while they're at work and doing just nutty shit. I forget what he did, but everything was like abuse. Everything was like swallow his load after he ate all this asparagus. Everything was like he just wanted them to just feel completely demeaned, and then he would move on and go to the next place where he had another girl set up.

See, I don't like that. I'm a pervert. I like to pay for it, but I want it to be because we're coming to an understanding. I'm too average for you to fuck for free. I don't like it to be predatory shit. Like, I don't like when women are hurt. I don't like when women feel demeaned. Like, I never want a girl to feel demeaned after taking it.

Like, I'll actually go, no, that's fine. Exactly. What are you talking about? Like, it's a great transaction we just had. I never want them to feel degraded. Because I don't degrade chicks. I mean, I'm a fucking pervert. And I like a big meat pussy.

And that's all I want, dude. I never want them to feel bad about it. It's a funny thing, man, because really if they had sex with you for free, there's nothing wrong with it. If they decide to give you a blowjob for free, people do it all day all over the world. But if somehow or another you give them some money,

then it becomes a terrible thing that they're immoral and they've made a decision to get sex for money. Well, people have always done that. Women have done that throughout history. There's a lot of ugly dudes and some pretty women. There's nothing wrong with that. Thank God for that.

What do you think, I pick up chicks on my fucking merit? I've never fucked a hot chick on my merit. Should we be able to go after sugar daddies? Should we go after women who marry sugar daddies? When you see a 20-year-old chick marrying a 55-year-old dude, should we go after them?

Is that a prostitute? How could you possibly be attracted to him? You just want his money. What did he buy you? Oh, he bought you this? Prostitute! Right.

You know, if a guy gives a girl a watch to fuck her, is that prostitution? Doesn't he get slippery? Yeah, he gets very, very slippery. What am I going to get if I let you fuck me in the it get slippery yeah you know very very slippery am

I gonna get if I let you fuck me in the ass what do you want baby yeah how many years how many dinners will take take a trip I there's a watch that I really love show me it show me right now and like all right we got it yeah that is the same as a cash transaction it is it's prostitution and men do that with their wives all the time but a a watch costs more. At least for me, $300, I'm out. You fucking got to buy somebody a watch. What is the standard going rate? Is that for getting jerked off? Is that for getting blown?

$300? What does it get you? Between $300 and $400. It depends if the girls are massage therapists and not an escort. Sometimes you can get jerked off for $350. I spend more than I should, but I figure, you know what? I'm not going to knock a chick up doing that. There's going to be no horrible repercussions

from doing that. Because the amount of money you pay if you fucking get somebody pregnant is 18 years, 20 years of tuition and all. Fuck that, man. Do you feel weird about letting them come to your house? No. No? No, I love them at my house. It's my space. I know that there's nobody going to

film me. I know that nobody's going to rob me. I know I'm in a secure building. There's security love my house. It's my space. I know that there's nobody going to film me. I know that nobody's going to rob me. I know I'm in a secure building. There's security in my building. There's fucking concierge. I mean, it's a very secure place. Did you get a place and think about the fact that you're going to bring escorts back to it so you need certain things set up? Dude, everything I've ever done somehow revolves around how many whores in my house.

It has an underground garage. I'm like, good, because I'm fucking training with the blonde hair. I can't have her coming through the fucking lobby. You always got to think of that shit. Sure. That's hilarious. Yeah, man. But the building I actually just love.

But I did think that's great that there's security there. Because while I like the idea of people not knowing my comings and goings, I like being safe more. And you're not going to have anybody act up in a building with security unless you get out of line. But normally they're not going to act up because they just want to get the money and fucking go. Right. And you're not going to have anybody act up in a building with security unless you get out of line. But normally, they're not going to act up because they just want to get the money and fucking go. Right.

I had a couple, I had a scary experience one time. I went to a house to get like jerked off years ago. It was right off 2nd Avenue and I walked in and it was like really dark and she was shady

and she was holding a screwdriver and I went to piss and there was like a really weird water in the tub. And there was like Burger King wrappers in it. And there was fruit flies. And I sat down. And it was dark in the rest of the room. It was a messy house, like a railroad apartment in New York.

And I felt that something very evil was in the room. I very rarely, if ever, get that feeling. But I knew there was somebody else in the room with us. And they were just in the back, like looking through a door. I could sense that there was a person there So uh and she was holding this screwdriver the whole time and I just started to get very scared Like we had these instincts and I listened to my instincts and I'm like look I'm sick I can't do this but I paid her the money and I just left and I I knew I had I had dodged a bullet because her hands were dirty there was something that was one of the scariest moments of my life because I couldn't see who was else the apartment was again it was a little bit lit when I walked in

but I gave her the money she went to the door and opened it she might have just faked handing it to somebody but my sense that somebody was in that room with us was very very strong so that was the case that's why I don't go to places. Well, I think that a lot of them would have somebody in the room with them just for protection. Or next door. Yeah, a lot of them do do that.

I would think that that would be a smart thing to do, no? Yeah, or they have them within shouting distance. Or you pay extra to have them in the room. Oh, yeah. Yeah, could you just threaten me with a screwdriver, mister? 50 extra if it's a Phillips head. She had dirty hands, you yeah. Yeah, because you just threatened me with a screwdriver, mister. 50 extra if it's a Phillips head. She had dirty hands,

you said. Yeah, she was just dirty. There was something fucking shady going on and I knew it and I felt it. I had done that enough

times to know when something was off. Something was really off and that's why people get killed because they don't listen to that instinct. Wow.

And I listened to it and I'm not saying I was going to get killed but something bad was going to happen and I absolutely know it. How long did it take before you wanted to get laid again after that? I probably acted out the next day.

My dick didn't know what happened. My dick was just like, hey, hey, hey. Get over it. Stupid. Man up, pussy. Jesus Christ. That was scary. Yeah.

How did you get out of there? I think I said I have cancer and I'm not feeling well and i have cancer i think i said i said some really like i have cancer i'm not feeling for it was some really weird thing i didn't want to spook her uh she i remember she had a blonde hair it was a wig something so wrong there was something so wrong with with what was happening in that house. And it was just such a gut instinct. It wasn't just there was something fucking terrible. I had a friend who, after he broke up with a girl, they stayed in touch.

And they agreed to a form of prostitution. Because she was like, you know, she always had like shitty jobs. She always needed money. And she said, you know, she couldn't have a relationship with him anymore. She was past it. But she would come over and let him fuck her. Or she would suck his dick. And he would give her money.

That's great. It became a weird sort of prostitution thing. It really freaked him out when he was telling the story. It started off as she needed to borrow money. And she asked me. And I i said you yes come on over and then somehow or another he gave her the money and then they fucked like she like you know thanked him by blowing him or something like that and you know and she said you know something like you know we can do this anytime you know anytime you want to do that you know as uh i always need money like joking around and i think he just grabbed it

and said, listen, listen, we don't have to, there's nothing wrong with this. I'll make you a deal. You know, I'll pay you X amount of money

and you come, and so like he turned her into his prostitute. How great is that? Is she looking for new clients? Right. I would love to have someone so great.

Well, she's not really a prostitute though. She's only doing it with her ex-boyfriend. So she says. So she says. Believe me, she will fucking branch out. Yeah. She this was by the way this was over a decade

ago so she maybe changed her ways but it was a great story when he was doing it like while it was going down i was like wow that is nuts so i couldn't do it with my ex-girlfriend because i loved her too much but i could do it with girls i've dated in my life like any ex-girlfriend who I was with for a year and a half, I could never do that because I would just feel too sad for them. Why? What if it's a real nice exchange? You don't feel sad for the regular prostitute that doesn't even know you. You don't want her to feel bad.

Just seeing her and fucking her again, that would bring back weird shit. Yeah, I just couldn't do it. I would feel too bad. Yeah, that's true. However, get a couple drinks and you'd be fine. No, but a girl who I've just met once, like there's one girl who I met through a friend once, who I wound up fucking, I wanted her for years, and I

finally got to fucking eat her ass for money. And that was fucking awesome. That was awesome. Do you wash it off? How do you handle eating the ass? How do you... Wash it off? What the fuck is he washing it off for? No, what do you do? Scrape cheese off your pizza? Fucking eat it.

Oh my goodness. Of course not. No. You just dive right in. If it's, again, it's rare that it's going to be filthy,

but if it's a little, I've had a couple of fucking damaged ones, but normally they're good. I'm telling you, normally they're good. What do you do when they're damaged?

Just fucking peck away? Yeah, maybe I'll... Clean up the problem? I'll kiss the cheeks a little bit. Oh, so you give away? Yeah, maybe I'll just... Clean up the problem? I'll kiss the cheeks a little bit. Oh, so you give up. Yeah, sometimes you have to. You don't eat the ass if it's dirty? No, not if it's filthy.

Not if it smells moist. Like, I've had a few of those. You can't do that. I've had a few of those. Usually they grab you, though, and they kind of pull you up a little. Have you ever gotten sick from eating ass? No, but once, years ago,

I worked at Caldor. And when I was like, in 1987, and there was a girl who worked in the fucking, like, housewares department. And when I was like in 1987, and there was a girl who worked in the fucking like housewares department. And she came over and we were doing inventory. And she let me eat her pussy. And I wanted to fuck her for a long time, but she had bad breath. Her breath smelled like corn.

It was like she hadn't eaten in a month. And there was just a kernel of corn rotting in her stomach. Like you ever smell corn breath? I pulled she had pantyhose on, which is a bad sign when you're doing inventory. And her pussy Fucking reeked And I went down And it was so foul That I think I retched

But I did go through with it I did eat her pussy I am nothing If not a fucking professional That is the worst There's two terrible smells That are Three

The dead body smell Human dead body This is unbelievably bad. That's Mother Nature telling you to get the fuck away from that thing. And then there's the smell of bad pussy and shit, which are really close. Like a yeast infection. Like a horrible smelling yeast infection. There's almost something more disgusting about that smell than a shit smell.

Oh, yeah. A viscer when you're fucking and you see that milk. When you see that awful cream coating. And it just begins to really reek and it's sour. Yeah, that's a terrible, terrible smell. Oh, man, that's an awful smell. It stinks. How do you not know that's coming out of you?

Well, the thing about smells is that especially gross smells, like olfactory senses detect change. I don't think they detect steady smells. That's why people live in places with bad factories and shit. My parents lived near cow places. Yeah, cow poop. They raised a fucking shitload of cattle on this one road. And every time you drive by this road, all you would smell is cow shit. So you think these girls are just doing it all their whole life they've just had dirty pussies well i know one girl that i that i knew when i was young who had a real problem and uh she was uh i think her

parents just kind of raised her like or like in a box like they didn't talk to her about anything sexual and she didn't know what the fuck was going on and her box was a mess i mean it felt for like years this girl had on and off yeast infections you the fuck was going on and her box was a mess. I mean, for like years, this girl had on and off yeast infections. You know that she was molested and kept it dirty on purpose? Like a lot of times, a lot of chicks get really fat too.

A lot of chicks don't want their pussy to be good because they don't want you to be attracted to them. Right. So a lot of girls get... That's what I do. Yeah. I have... Keep your ass dirty just in case.

Of course. I have heard that with women, that there's women that overeat because of that. They're trying to make themselves look unattractive. It works, too, because I won't fuck you. Believe me, I won't fuck a fatty ever. But somebody with a bad pussy, it depends if it's a yeast infection bad, no. But sweaty can be really...

Yeah, right from the gym? Who cares? Dude, I don't fucking... Right from the fucking treadmill. There's nothing wrong with that. How many miles do you run? Yeah, a little piss smell to it. Whatever, I ain't scared.

Dude, that rules. But shit, that's where you draw the line. Not a, a little piss smell to it. Whatever, I ain't scared. But shit, that's where you draw the line. Not a little, a little bit, dude, a little bit. A little bit, not a lot, but a little bit.

It's an animal thing, man. I can't believe you like the underarms to stink. That's fucking, that's a strange thing. But it's raw. Like, I remember,

like, even when I smoked, my nose has always been a very, like, when I was a kid, I used to lay on my back and my friend and his sister I was in like first grade she was in second grade and he was in my grade she was a year older

than us and I would get them to sit on my face in their pants because they both would piss their pants a lot I guess they had a mortifying home life apparently something somebody yelled a lot in the house they would always have tinkle in their crotch and so I would lay on my back and have them fucking put their crotch over my face. Jesus Christ, dude. And I would smell it. I just loved the smell. I was like, I swear to God.

I remember that. I would lay behind the shrubs and have them fucking sit on my face. I used to do something as a kid. I don't know if I told you this before, but I know you love pee. But I had this girl that always wanted me to fuck her in the shower and then pee inside of her because it felt like I was cumming in her. Right. And have you ever done that? Not in the shower.

I don't like shower sex because I'm so high maintenance. I have to be fucking a certain way and tease my nipples. And it's hard for me to pee in a chick. I've pissed on girls, but it's hard for me to pee in a girl because it's just such a different sensation for me. But I would love to be able to. I admire the ability. It irritates the tip. I wonder how many women were listening to this podcast right up to the point where you got to tease my nipples.

And were like, that's it. That's it. I've lost a lot on that one. I'm done. They're like, I can't listen to this guy. Dude, but you know what? I'll tell you what I do and what I say. And I talk about it.

As they say, it weeds out all non-hackers who don't pack the gear to serve my beloved core. Anybody who's not going to fucking show up to play, I probably weed out 90% of the women that would go out with me, but the 10% that show up are fucking troopers. Right. And those are the ones. And you're famous now. No, I'm doing okay.

I mean, I'm doing well. I'm not famous yet. Oh, you're famous. Listen, you're being a silly boy. I don't feel famous. I really don't feel famous at all. You're famous. You're famous now. No, I'm doing okay. I mean, I'm doing well. I'm not famous yet. Oh, you're famous. Listen, you're being a silly boy. I really don't feel famous at all. You're famous. You're famous. You're on the Opie and Anthony show.

Do you know the Opie and Anthony show is one of the greatest radio shows in the history of the world? Thank you. I do love it. And you're a reason. Thanks. You're a big part of that. You've made me fucking howl more times driving around in my car than any human alive.

Really? That is a fact. Oh, thanks, man. Dude, there's a hundred times i mean i can't tell you how many times i called you or texted you had particular lines that killed me thank you i was on the show you're famous you know it's it's a weird thing it's a thing that people don't like to say because you sound like a douchebag you know when you say yeah well i know i'm famous you know it sounds gross it feels gross to even think about it. But my point is you are and you're famous for being a pervert.

So it's like it's all out on the table. So it's not like you might have cut out the amount of women that would date you by 90%. But those 10%, you have 7,000% more of them. Right, right, right. Okay. The numbers are staggeringly in your favor. Because if you were like a regular dude that never got famous

and kept all this shit hidden, it would be really hard to find exactly what you're looking for. And the ones that you lose that are really pretty or really cool, and there's been some that I'm like,

fuck, man, I blew it. But it's like, we would have had an awful sexual relationship anyway because I know what I like and you don't have to be filthy but you gotta be kind of open

and willing to at least like I like talking about a lot of stuff that I don't like it's just sex you're not hurting anybody you like to talk about a chick fucking other guys

like I love when I'm talking to a chick and she tells me she'd rather be fucking another guy no I tell them to pretend they don't even know what a dick looks like

oh really oh my god it's so pretty I don't even know what a dick looks like. That's what a dick looks like? Oh my God, it's so pretty. I don't think I would know how to suck one. I mean, should I try? Would you want me to try? Yeah, go ahead, try. I make them play dead.

I pretend that they've been in a hermetically sealed body pouch for 30 years. No, I like to make a girl watch something with a guy that she'd rather fuck and tell me how she'd rather be fucking him. Yeah, I need a little dose of

humiliation to straighten me out, man. It turns me on. You're so honest about it, though. It's so much fun. You must get the craziest girls that come up to you now. You get a good amount like, I really, I hate to even I didn't talk about it on this last tour I did because I've talked about

it so much, but I like big pussy. I've always talked about that. I like big pussy, too. I like thick lips. Thick lips and a fucking big clit. It drives me. It's a visceral fucking thing. It makes me crazy.

I remember there was a porn star from the 80s. Or the 80s and 90s. Vanessa Del Rio? No, no, no, no, no, no. Caitlin Ashley, I think her same name was. Anyway, I forget her last name, but she had the biggest pussy lips. They were ridiculous.

They were like hands. Like hanging up, and they would grab a hold of dude's dicks and be like, look at the size of her fucking pussy lips. And then I had heard from something online, maybe it was a starring show, that some women get their labias. Yeah, labia reduction. I think those doctors should be targeted like fucking abortion doctors. I hate those guys. Those poor women. Those poor women that think that there's anything wrong with that.

It feels good. All that is just more pussy. It's like more lips. They don't get it. There's nothing wrong with it. And I say that, but women do appreciate that. The fact that I take that stand and I'm really dirty about it but it's like they really do appreciate the fact that you like it body i love it yeah and it's like you got big areolas i'm your

man i like a fucking giant areola nothing wrong with that it takes the whole boob it's just areola and i like big tits too but you know what if you got a cups or b cups you fucking tits are fine with me big long nipples. Embarrassing nipples. Like, we're like, oh, I don't know. Like, I like a fucking, a pussy that had to be put in the locker. Like, some women would change with their crotch in the locker

because they're embarrassed by the size of their pussy. Fucking bad I like, man. I worked with this chick once and she was very funny and very open and she was talking about her ex-boyfriend

that her ex-boyfriend had, before he had met her, had hooked up with this woman they were making out they were getting all hot and heavy and then when he pulled her pants down her clit was like really long like absurdly long like a small thumb it was just like and he panicked and she responded like she knew that you know other guys had probably already panicked before and he made up some story about needing to go to the airport and forgetting to pick up his brother. And he ran out of her house. He saw her dick pussy and just ran out of the house. I told you on an earlier podcast where I was so drunk once that I was eating a girl out.

And I would like suck her lips. It would go out so far that I kind of thought maybe it was a bad penis or something. Like a sex transplant? Yeah, like it was an undeformed penis or something. And so I had to turn on the light a little

and look at it because it was so... I mean, it was long. Was that big? How long? Coke Zero can. It stretched out. Then it came in my mouth.

Exactly. I mean, I would have swore. I would fucking love that like I would never be mad I had a woman walk up to me once and go like I have what you like

whoa she was so happy and her pussy man what was it like just it was a fucking a giant pack

it was like an octopus yeah dude it was like indefinable like you wouldn't know what it was if somebody just showed you a picture of it

without a woman attached what the fuck is that you'd have no idea't know what it was. If somebody just showed you a picture of it without a woman attached to it, what the fuck is that? You'd have no idea. You'd think it was just a bunch of things thrown somewhere. How bad? Was it the worst one you've ever seen or the best one you've ever seen? The best one I've ever seen or one of them. One was a dominatrix that I only saw a couple times many years ago.

And one was a massage therapist who was massaging me probably 2002. And I was on my back and she had shorts. And I convinced her to go over my face just so I could look at her ass. I didn't know her pussy. And her legs parted. And I saw her pussy. It was literally a fucking belly button to spine. It was the holy grail.

I lost my breath. I lost my belly button to spine. You probably were choking on it. Dude, I fucked. No, she wouldn't let me do anything. Eventually, she let me lick it and smell it. It was like, it would always smell. Dude, it was fucking awesome.

And we would always fight money when she would come over. But she got too greedy. It's like, if she had just, thank God, she didn't know. She could have owned the whole franchise. I would have signed, well, this is before I owned my place. But I would have given her my rent money. Like, literally, she could have owned the whole franchise. I would have signed that. Well, this is before I owned my place, but I would have given her my rent money. Like, literally, she could have owned me if she knew. But she would always get mad and want more money, and the greed would turn me off because

it was unreasonable. I felt it was unreasonable. But her fucking pussy, man. Dude, she could have owned me with it. So the closest you got to it, she let you lick it. Oh, no. I fucked her a couple of times. I saw her for a couple of years.

Oh. But it was, I think, around the time that we were doing Tough Crowd. So you worked it slowly into fucking her? Yeah. Oh, she saw you on Tough Crowd and wanted more money? Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. Pretty much. No, no, no.

She had gone with a friend to Tough Crowd or something. I forget she saw it. I forget how we got it. She might have emailed me randomly. I just don't remember. Or I found her online. It's been like fucking 10 years. But God, her pussy, I can remember it like it was yesterday.

It was wonderful. Jim Norton, you're an awesome human being. Thank you. Thank you, her pussy, I can remember it like it was yesterday. It was wonderful. Jim Norton, you're an awesome human being. Thank you. Thank you for being you. I love you, man. I love you too, man. Can I just plug my special? Absolutely.

It's on this Saturday, June 30th. Epicsandepicshd.com. It's called Please Be Offended. And I'm very happy with it, so I hope people dig it. And when did you record this? End of April in Cleveland. So there's a lot of Sandusky stuff in it, which actually still feels timely. Thank God that's still fucking timely.

Yeah, it's perfect. It's perfect. It's going on right now. Yeah, he's not even sentenced yet, so it will still feel fresh. Yeah, isn't that funny? I did mine in late April, too, and it's just a mad scramble now to make up the next hour. It's exciting, though, isn't it? I love it, dude.

I love it because I can it, dude. I love it because I can go on, like I said, at the cellar and I'm talking about the Travolta stuff and all. And again, then you find this stuff that's topical where you have to weed it out because it feels too time sensitive. Like if I talked about, I talked about Tiger in my special a little bit, but the two points I hit on were so general that you didn't have to remember the case. But you know, the fucking 12 minutes before had to be cut. So now I'm in that process with the Travolta shit. It's already out of the news. So I've got to take the couple of moments that will feel good in six months

and just make them part of the act. But you're right. It's fucking great. I love it. I can't wait to hear the Travolta stuff. Yeah, it's pretty good. I'm happy with it. I loved your Charlie Sheen shit the last time I saw you in Austin.

Oh, I forgot about that. I stopped doing it. Thank you, man. I totally took that out because it just wasn't fresh anymore. Yeah, it got beaten down, right? Is this your trailer right here? I'm an African-American woman. Oh, never mind. Oh, no, that one might have been the... We showed one of those on

Leno. What number was that? This is the one you just posted today, I believe. Oh, no. I'll show you the one they showed on Leno. Show number five. PSA number five. Are they fake PSAs? Yeah, but they showed this one on the Tonight Show. They left the language in and everything. Because none of the clips I wanted

to show. I'm too embarrassed to watch myself. But PSA the fifth one. It's very awkward. And I was offended by Jim Norton. I'm gay. And I was offended by Jim Norton. I'm black. And I was deeply offended by Jim Norton. I'm black and I was deeply offended by Jim Norton.

That lily white mother... Approximately one out of every ten Americans is offended by Jim Norton. I'm a Latina and I was offended by Jim Norton. Except for the shit he said about black people, yo. They all got big dicks. The other one has no idea who the fuck he is.

They showed it uncut. We are citizens against Jim Norton We all got big dicks! The other men have no idea who the fuck he is. They showed it uncut in the fucking Tonight Show audience. We are citizens against Jim Norton, and we strongly urge you to boycott Jim Norton's brand new comedy special. Please be offended. Only on Epix. I'm Jim Norton, and I approve this massive fat neck. I'll be like, fuck. It's alright, they cut the end. Fuck you What's worse than your manager

Yelling something out From the back That bombs when they show it But yeah They showed They showed Unedited So we'll see what actually

So on Epix How do they show it on Epix Is it censored at all Well they On the network No the language The specials These They edit on the network so we'll see what actually gets through. So on Epix, how do they show it on Epix? Is it censored at all? Well, on the network, no, the language from my... The specials, these they edit on the network so they can show them in regular time.

Right. Online, they're unedited and my special is totally unedited. They were amazing to work with. So Epix, you're allowed... You can swear as much as you want. Oh, God, yeah. Beautiful.

The opening was really fucking cool. We got Ozzy to do part of the opening was really fucking cool. We got Ozzy to do part of the opening. Really? Yeah. Did you fucking see the opening? People don't know. Norton is a fucking

monstrous Ozzy fan. Yeah, so we got the fucking you can show it. It's only like 30 seconds if you want to end on that if that's cool. Yeah, please.

But don't show the whole opening. I don't think that's online yet but just the Ozzy. Ozzy twittered it for me. Really? Him and Sharon both twittered it. Wow. Dude, what is it like to grow up loving Ozzy and then being in a position where you get to meet the guy my fucking ex-girlfriend said your life is fucking great you

should never be angry like i've met my after after i did the shoot with aussie it was in his house and uh it only took 20 minutes and uh afterwards he goes uh he comes back and he goes all right man god bless you and he walks away then he comes back and he goes, all right, man, God bless you. And he walks away. Then he comes back, and he goes, hey, Jim, I want to play something for you. And he walks me down into his fucking studio. It's me and him alone. His assistant was in the back, and he plays me new Sabbath songs. I'm sitting with fucking, I almost couldn't handle it. I almost said, like, can I go home?

Like, this is more than I can handle. It's probably the single greatest moment I've ever had. And he was looking over to see how I reacted, to see if I was enjoying his music. Holy shit. Dude, I sat with Ozzy in his house and listened to their Sabbath. That's insane. It was fucking amazing. It's so crazy.

Just go to Ozzy Osbourne's Twitter. The real Ozzy. It's crazy to idolize someone when you're young and just to even get to meet them. To meet them, but then to talk to them and to have them listen to you. To that far? To have Ozzy performing new songs for you?

Yeah, just while we sat there listening. Playing to him, rather? Playing new songs to you? And to know that my opinion mattered to him. I mean, he really wanted to know what I thought of them, and it was just awesome. I did some New Year's a few years back,

and last year was it, where Gene Simmons came and his family? Yeah. His son liked one of my CDs. Oh, Nick, okay. He became a fan and brought his whole family to New Year's at the improv. And when I got there, they're like, Gene Simmons and his family is here to see you. And I was like, what?

Like, when I was a little kid, not only was I a huge Kiss fan, but I was a huge Gene Simmons fan. Like, he was my favorite. When he had the Kiss solo album and the Gene Simmons solo album, that was the one I bought when I had money. The first whatever dollars I could scrounge up, I got that one first. Then I got the Ace Feely. Wasn't it Christine 16? Wasn't that on there? No, that was off

of Love Gun. Christine 16 was Love Gun. The one you're talking about, the solo had started off with Radioactive and Kiss Freak. Here's the video. Back in the New York groove, Ace Frehley. Phenomenal.

Fuck yeah. Look, I really, really need you to do this. I don't want to do it. Now will you fuck off? Please. Look, I'm your biggest fan. I never asked you for anything. It'll take two seconds. I'm a little fucking busy right now. We're not in any rush. We'll wait.

If I do this one thing, will you make me a big promise? Sure. That you will never ever bother me again with fucking autographs, photographs, signing your ass, any fucking thing. Yes, I promise. I swear. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen,

will you please welcome to the stage Mr. Jim fucking Norton. Wow. Holy shit. That gives me chills. Is that great, dude? Just looking at the fact that that happened for you, that gives me chills.

And I got to walk out but that was the reason you hear laughter is because that was shown on a big screen in front of the audience and uh and i came out the fucking hole in the sky by sabbath but him on his toilet introducing me i sent sharon the fucking email and she's like yeah sure when he's back for me we'll do it holy shit that's awesome that's a that's a life moment it really is it's one of the greatest moments of my life fuck congratulations thank you that's awesome. That's a life moment. It really is. It's one of the greatest moments of my life. Fuck. Congratulations.

Thank you, brother. That's amazing. Thank you very much for being here. Thanks, Joe. You're awesome, man. Anytime you're in L.A., please come by. I love it. Anytime.

And your book is also hilarious. Oh, thanks, dude. Thank you. It's a chapter with Patrice getting hookers in Brazil. Oh, yeah. It's all true. Is that happy endings? Yeah, happy endings.

Steve Martin actually called me out on bashing him and fucking- Are you serious? He called you out? Yeah, I was doing a Tonight Show for the endings Yeah happy endings Steve Martin actually Called me out on bashing him And fucking Are you serious He called you out Yeah I was doing a Tonight show For the Emmys And Steve Martin And his band came up

And I'm like I said to my producer I don't know if he'll talk to me But he didn't recognize my face But when he saw my name On the CD he goes You said some very Unkind things about me

In your book And I actually felt Really bad What did he say What did you say about him I just trashed him For doing the Pink Panther But the book was about

Targeting fucking Sharpton and Jesse Jackson And Keith Olbermann Who I thought turned on Imus for language bad. What did you say about it? I just trashed him for doing the Pink Panther, but the book was about targeting fucking Sharpton and Jesse Jackson and Keith Oberman, who I thought turned on Imus for language. It was about that shit. So I had misguided anger towards Steve Martin. I should have made fun of him, and it shouldn't have been as mean, and I actually did feel bad about it. It's hard. It's hard. When you gotta face him.

I'm sorry. I felt like such a douche. I had a Jenny McCarthy joke, and I met her, and she's so nice, I stopped doing it. Yeah, it's easy to trash people until you meet them, and they're nice to you. You're like, ah, motherfucker. I felt like such a douchebag. I'm like, why am I making fun of her? Yeah.

Anyway, that's the end of the show. Follow Jim online on Twitter, Jim Norton. And what is your Facebook? Just Jim Norton. Just go to Twitter, because I don't do Facebook much. I do more Twitter. JimNorton.com? JimNorton.com. JimNorton.com is being put up now.

We finally got it from Cyber Squatters. Powerful. And this weekend, this weekend, Epix. And EpixHD.com if you don't have that. What time is it on again? 10 p.m. on Saturday. 10 p.m. on Saturday. Set your DVRs, you dirty bitches.

Jim Norton, one of the best comics in the country, man. Thank you, buddy. Last time I saw you in Austin, it was a fucking beautiful treat for me. Thank you, man. To be in town and not have to work, and I laughed my fucking ass off. And I changed a little bit about my act because of seeing that, because you did about 55 minutes. And I'm like, why am I doing these asshole two-hour sets when you crush for 55 minutes? It's the perfect amount of time.

It was really fun, man. Thank you, man. So that's it for this show, you crazy bitches. Thanks to Sucker Punch Entertainment for hooking us up on this sweet deal for these monster Alienware computers, which we're going to keep supporting Alienware because they support MMA fighters. And I think that's very important. So that's why this show is run by Alienware.

Thanks to The Fleshlight. Please go to JoeRogan.net if you're interested in masturbating into anything other than your hand. And click on the link for the fleshlight and enter in the code name Rogan you will save yourself 15% off

thanks also to onnit.com the makers of Alpha Brain New Mood Troom Tech Sport Troom Tech Immune and now

Kettlebells and Battle Ropes soon to come we got hemp protein and all sorts of other good shit go to onnit.com that's O-N-N-I-T.

Use the code name Rogan and save yourself 10% off. All right, you dirty bitches. Can I just say, we're going to be at Comic-Con 2012. I don't know if you might even be going. Yeah, it looks like I'm going to try to do that. Tickets are on sale at DeathSquad.tv. And we have Death Squad Show Friday. It's almost sold out, though.

Yeah, that's right, bitches. This Friday. We don't even know who's there on the show. Brendan Walsh is returning. Powerful Brendan Walsh. Randy Lick, he wants to talk to you, Joe Logan. Randy wants to wrestle. Yes.

And Davey Johnson so far. Tell Randy I just got my black belt. I'm not fucking around. I'm not fucking around. You want to get crazy, Randy? You son of a bitch. People don't even know what the fuck we're talking about. Watch Friday.

You'll figure it out. Maybe not. We don't know what's going to happen. Actually, I pulled muscle. I probably shouldn't even do what the fuck we're talking about. Watch Friday. You'll figure it out. Maybe not. We don't know what's going to happen. Actually, I pulled muscle. I probably shouldn't even do what I wanted to do. Oh. But anyway, that's the end of the show, you fucking freaks. If you want to go to this Ice House show, go to icehousecomedy.com.

There's very few tickets left. It's only a 150-seat place, but it's awesome. It's one of the best clubs in the country. You ever work at the Ice House, Jim Norton? I have not. I did a Sunday night there, and I just did a quick set. What's his name? Bump me.

One of the fucking blue collar guys. John Reap? Engvall. Bill Engvall? Yeah, but he was pleasant about it. Oh, at the Ice House. I'm thinking of Comedy Magic. Comedy Magic.

No, this is the Ice House. I've never worked. Oh, no. I had an argument with the lady here, because they wouldn't put out the open mic next door. Oh, really? This is the great. I would actually love to work here now. Anytime you want to.

Anytime. We'll get you in. It's the greatest club in the world. Yeah, I would love to work here. This place is amazing. It's just like all those other small. It's been here for 50 years. You're not in town Friday, are you?

No, man. I got to go back and do Hannity, actually. God damn it, Jim. Jim Norton, ladies and gentlemen. Please follow him. Please continue to do the right thing, ladies and gentlemen. Please follow him. Please continue to do the right thing, ladies and gentlemen. Follow the correct path and go out there and fucking be positive. Go jerk off in your mother's face.

Or in a fleshlight and dump it on her. No, don't do that. Don't jerk off in your mother's face. I take that back. You guys are awesome. We'll see you soon. Oh, Friday, Adam Scorgi's next podcast. This Friday, we'll probably be doing that right before we do the Ice House Chronicles,

which is only available at Death Squad on iTunes. You can go to deathsquad.tv to buy tickets for that crazy show. San Diego. That's it. This fucking show's over. All right. All right. Bye.

We love you guys. Thank you. Diolch yn fawr iawn am wylio'r fideo.