The Joe Rogan Experience - #2373 - Dave Landau

Episode Date: September 2, 2025

Dave Landau is a comedian, co-host of the "Normal World" podcast, and author of "Party of One: A Fuzzy Memoir." His latest special is "A Prison 10."  www.davelandau.com https://www.youtube.com/@normalworldhttps://a.co/d/b7rPGor Go to https://ExpressVPN.com/ROGAN to get 4 months free! Don’t miss out on all the action - Download the Pick6 app today with my promo code ROGAN Gambling Problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER. Help is available for problem gambling. Call [phone] or visit ccpg.org (CT). 18+ (19+ AL/NE, 21+ AZ/MA/VA). Valid only where Pick6 operates, see dkng.co/pick6states. Void in NY, ONT, and where prohibited. Eligibility restrictions apply. Must click link to claim Bag Builder Token. Token must be selected BEFORE placing free entry in Bag Builder contest. Entry must have 6/6 correct Picks to earn equal share of cash prize pool. Tokens are single use and expire 9/8 @ 8:15 PM ET. Max. 6 Tokens per customer. Earn addt’l Tokens via linkshare w/ new Bag Builder entrants and linking Discord account w/ DraftKings. Ends 9/8/25 at 8:15 PM ET. Terms: pick6.draftkings.com/promos. Sponsored by DK. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Joe Rogan podcast checking out The Joe Rogan Experience Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night All day There we go How you doing? Good to see you, sir Let's crack a lock on it.

Not much. Just rocking the shiny We're talking about your Shinole watch I'm glad Detroit's coming back You know and I like how Shinole represents Shinole is definitely one of the things that's great about Detroit

Yeah they say it like made in Detroit They're proud Yes Which we didn't have for a long time Dude Detroit is the craziest story If you know the story about Detroit Like in the 1950s and 60s

It was the third richest city in the world Well yeah it was called The Paris of the Midwest And it's a city that's still built For 7 million people With supposedly 700,000 living in it I mean so you do see a lot of like

How is there like a million dollar condo in the same place that has like eight abandoned other apartments it's when you go downtown it makes no sense logistically you ever watch that show top gear oh yeah the jeremy clarkson i think it was easier top gear was maybe the the the one they did after that that they did for amazon but they went to detroit and they bought a house for five hundred dollars yeah you can and there's also the people that buy them and open the door and get mulled by pit bulls or you see the ones that, like, they'll put a, like, a pumpkin pad. Like, they'll do an urban farm, which is hysterical.

And you'll see, like, these hippies on the news, like, they cut my face and stole my plums. And I'm scared. It's like, yeah, but you're in a crack neighborhood. Nobody wants your farm. No, we're gentrifying. Yeah. Isn't that what you guys want? And it's like, they don't want that at all.

There's some delusional fucking people out there, dude. And what they did to Detroit, like, anybody that thinks that you should allow corporations just take all the jobs and move them overseas. Well, this is just like corporate decision making and it's a prudent financial decision making and look at Detroit. Look what they did. It's a prime example of like, that was the American dream. And they're like, we'll just, we'll assemble them in Mexico.

Look, but we'll write Maiden America on your door. So you're going to feel good about it. Did they even write Maiden America on the door? Sometimes they do. Like, I prefer like the 80s and 90s where if you bought a car and it was made on a Friday, you knew a drunk guy did it, so you're like, give me one from a Wednesday. Like, those were the days of American automaking. See, that's part of the problem, too.

A friend of mine who was in the union told me that the automakers union just got out of control. They were making so much money. And they were constantly in negotiations, there were strikes impending. Oh, yeah. And then they were like, hey, fuck you. We'll just go to Mexico. Yeah, they offed Hoffa. Yeah, that's right.

That's right. Yeah. That's just part of it. But no, like, later on. Like you said in the 80s and 90s, like you're grandfathered in. And it really doesn't matter what you do wrong. Like, that's part of the deal. Yeah, you can't get fired.

No, it's great. I mean, it's great for the worker. Yeah. There seems to be like a middle balance that could be reached. Yeah. Like, don't be fully hammered when you're trying to put a door on an F-150. I mean, they should make good money because the corporation makes good money. I mean, you know, they were doing well.

It was a very profitable business. the workers should share in those profits. Well, and like the electric ones, it just didn't work for them either. They pushed it out too soon, too. Because I know people that work on the line, you have like the electric F-150. And it's like F-150s, everybody wants one.

They love it as a work truck. But as an electric truck, you put the thing down in South America where it's hot all the time. It's just going to catch fire. So it's like it's not really working out. Or if you're in the cold, the battery sucks. Yeah, which...

Yeah. And I just don't like electric cars personally. Maybe it's just because I'm from Detroit. and I grew up and I just want to feel an engine. I get it, but I have a Tesla that will knock your dick into the dirt. Oh, I know they're fast. It's not just fast. It's a fucking car is incredible.

It's a piece of machinery from the future. What is it? It's a Model S. Okay. But it's a plaid that was sent to a company called unplug performance. And unplug performance takes the fenders off, put carbon fiber, wider fenders, changes the suspension to like a race-based suspension, puts wide tires on it and wider wheels. upgrades the brakes to these huge carbon fiber discs

because it's a very heavy car. I was going to say, so it's heavier as opposed to a lighter like a race car. Well, it's heavier because Tesla's are very heavy because the batteries. But because the batteries are all in the bottom, the center of gravity, the car is phenomenal. Okay.

It's like one of the best balanced cars you could ever drive. And the self-driving is bananas. Oh, you have it on there? I had my buddy. Yeah, you get it with the car. I had my buddy Fedor was here the other day and he had never been in one. So the first thing I always do is merge onto the highway.

I'm like, you ready? Yeah. When it goes zero to 60 in 1.9 seconds. Are you serious? 1.9 seconds. Oh, that's faster. And then I go, now this is what's really wacky. I put in the destination.

And I just say, take me to the comedy mothership. And then I press a button. And it goes doot-doo. And when I go, it goes do-do. It just does it on its own. Changes lanes, stops at red lights. It's crazy. It moves around obstructions.

Really? Yeah. And, yeah, because I remember the first ones, they were, like, you know, barreling over bikers. Yeah. It's still based on camera, so you could fool it with a camera. You could fool the camera, rather. So some guy set up a mural in the desert. So what he did was he had the highway, and then he made a mural that looked like the highway, and the car just ran right through the mural.

Oh, I saw that. That was great. He made it look. Yeah, and he put a Woody Woodpecker to the side of it. Like, he just pulled. He just drew the tunnel. It was hysterical. And the thing went right into the tunnel.

Basically like that. But he did draw the tunnel. But it is what he would better did, right? It's so awesome. He would draw a tunnel inside of a clip. Yeah, and that's all he did. Just tricked it like it was a coyote. Which with all the AI, it was kind of nice to see.

I hate to say it. I was like, that's a little relieving. It's kind of funny. It's for now. But, you know, it's like beating up a two-year-old that's eventually become an NFL player. Oh, of course. Fucker, it's going to grow up, it's going to kill you. You're going to regret this.

They're going to remember who fucked with the Waymo's, you know? I was watching a movie last night. I can't remember the name of it, companion. And it was just all about, like, sex bots. And they're, like, hunting them and going at each other. And it's, like, just a... It's a movie? Like a...

It was on HBO. Yeah. Oh, okay. And, like, they set up a sex bot to kill one of their friends so they can rob them. Oh, boy. And it turns out she's a sex bot, and this other guy's a sex bot. And I'm watching it. Like, this is the problem, like, yeah, there it is.

Like, you can't really give these things personalities if you have a sex bot, I think. Well, this is part of the problem that's happening with these chatbots with kids. Because they're developing relationships with them. And, like, one, one AI chatbot was teaching a kid how to make a noose. Yeah. That's not funny. No, it's a little funny. It's a little funny.

It's a little funny. The fucking robot is teaching a suicidal kid how to do it right. It's already encouraging, like, you have a good idea. Yeah, take a rope, make sure, yeah, that's... I wonder if any of the woke AI chatbots have talked to any of these trans school shooters. They might have. You know what I'm saying? Well, the last one, yeah, I don't know.

Bro, it's like seven of the last X amount of trans... Seven in a row have been trans, except one was non-binary, which is just diet trans. It is very... Right? That's diet trans. That's trans without the sugar. I just don't get it. Like, I felt suicidal.

Like, stay at home and kill yourself. Like, don't go into schools. Or just go for a walk. Yeah, that would be good, too. You know, the problem is some people get to a certain point in their life, and they have no friends and no community and no identity and no life. And it's not, they're not successful, and they feel like shit. And then they have gender dysphoria on top of that.

And then they're probably on a bunch of SSRIs, which RMK Jr. is going to apparently do some sort of a large scale. research into the connection between mass shootings and psychiatric drugs because it is real and everyone knows it and it's just this dirty secret that no one talks about because all the media is paid off by the pharmaceutical drug companies and nobody wants to make this correlation connection because you also risk the wrath of all these people that are on them say I'm on them and I'm not doing anything it's not the pills I need these to function. Maybe you do.

I don't know. I don't know how your brain works. But the reality is most of these people that have committed mass murder are on psychiatric medication. Well, they are. And I'm on SSRIs that I'm trying to get off of right now because I've been on for 10 years, Oloft. And I don't like it.

So I hadn't liked it for a long time. And even dealing with like mental health care, I'm like, I don't think I need this. And I like, well, it's better you stay on them. I'm like, this is odd because it's having the opposite thoughts, you know. and so I it's having the opposite thoughts meaning it makes you feel bad depressed wants me like really like I gained weight I was doing like really bad mentally for a while because of certain things and it was I took myself off of them for five days and I felt good and then I got really queasy and really nauseous like my brain started kind of misfiring so now I'm weaning it off a little more

correctly as opposed to just going cold turkey so after five days like what is happening where you makes your brain crazy. I was stuttering. I was slipping up. I was having trouble seeing. Did you go online and see if there's any correct way to do this? Yeah, they said to wean it off where whatever your thing is, take that, and then bust a pill in half, take that for seven days.

Bust a pill and half, take that for seven days, and that's what I'm doing now. And I already feel better being on less. But I was told for the last 10 years that that's what I should be on. And I think it's had a very negative effect to me. Oh, yeah. Yeah, see, brain zaps. That's what I mean. Like, you just feel like you're having a stroke.

Electric shock-like sensations in the head are a hallmark symptom. Other sensations can include tingling or numbness. Yep. Flu-like symptoms, digestive issues, sleep problems, balance. Your balance goes. Mood changes, cognitive issues. Brain fog. There it is.

All of it. And nausea was the one that really messed me up because I was just like, why do I feel sick? But I didn't feel like the flu. Hmm, you just felt like thrown up? Yeah, and I just realized, I'm like, okay, well, what did I take out? Because I've gone off of a lot of harder drugs and alcohol and stuff, so I know what it's like to feel withdrawals, and it was a withdrawal. So how old do you now? I'm 43.

So when you were 33, you got on them. Yeah. So what was going on at 33? We were like, I need medication. I went to there. My mom had died, killed herself. Oh, man. So I decided to go see a doctor, and they were like, look, take this.

And I'm thinking, like, I think my mom was on this. I don't know what this is the best answer, but I took it, and it was... Your mom was on it? She was on, yeah, she was on antidepressants, and she was bipolar. But they had her misdiagnosed as depressive, too. Because I was like, I think she's bipolar. And they're like, how do you know? I'm like, you know, I lived with her for 30 years, and I know the mood swings.

Because I grew up in a house where, like, you came home and she was either the happiest woman on the planet, or you were fucking terrified. Like, it was one or the other, you know. And that's just, and she wasn't a bad person. And she just had this mental imbalance. Yeah. And it was after things happened with my dad and, like, the government and things like that. Whatever are you done in the government? He was in Vietnam, and he got a soft-celled sarcoma from Agent Orange.

Oh, Jesus. The VA was great. They did nothing for our family. They denied both of my mom's claims. My dad lost all of his money. Like, he was worth, like, $4 million. I think he lost everything. And it was to pay out of pocket.

And he got sick when I was 13. He was like our baseball coach, everything. So he would go around the country going to like Cambridge had a very good neurosurgery place for the brain stem. University of Michigan and Ann Arbor had one. So he wasn't as present a lot. My mom was dealing with that on top of being an RN. I mean, and he was tough as nails. Like he would have one of those halos drilled in and he'd still go golfing and shit.

He'd just be on the course. Oh my God. And I'd be like, what are you doing? It's like, it's not bad. I don't pick my head up anymore. So he's like, he's seeing the bright side of a halo. Dude, he would find the positive in anything. He reminded me a danger field a lot.

Like, that's how he was. So he never complained. And it was always crazy because he'd be very dry. Like, people would go, how are you? And he'd be like, oh, life is great. He just got something nailed into his fucking head. He was like, can you have me one of those tissues so I can clean it off real quick? He goes, it might be bleeding, yeah?

How are you? And he just tried to make light of it the whole time. But the government did nothing. And then the more and more I research it, we've talked to the VA. I have an uncle who does stuff, former Marine, four people that have dealt with us from Vietnam because they denied so many claims that ended up being real. Like soft cell sarcoma was one of the things where they said, oh, we didn't do that. That's not from Agent Orange. It's like, are you sure?

Because it was in combat in the fields where you sprayed it to kill all the trees. And they're like, yeah, that's not on us. then years later they admitted it but said my mom filled out the paperwork wrong and gave us nothing and even 10% of that's 400 grand like gave us nothing dude so it's like I've dealt with that my whole adult life where I have a little piece of me that's why I'm not really like right or left I'm very much like fuck either side of this until somebody does something that I actually believe in and when I see the stuff that's happening to so many people that fought especially when you find out about LBJ, the helicopters, all the other bullshit that was the reason that we even went into Vietnam. The helicopters? Yeah, LBJ, from what I understand, had money in helicopters. Oh, God. And was able to profit off of it.

Oh, God. So, and people say it's a conspiracy theory, but why were we really there? Well, I think the real reason was heroin. I'll give you that, yeah. I think that was the real reason. I think that's the real reason why we were in Afghanistan as well. Oh, I would assume, yeah. Because that's the poppy fields.

I don't want to say it's the only reason. I'm sure there's other, there's military reasons. There's rare earth minerals in Afghanistan. There's natural gas. There's a lot of resources in Afghanistan. But there's a lot of heroin coming out of there. That was at one point in time, 94% of the earth's heroin supply was coming from the place that we were guarding. We were literally guarding the poppy fields, military, U.S. military, guarding the poppy fields that was supplying

heroin to 94% of the earth That's insane because the other part is There's a part in China like some of the triangle Trying to think of it's What's it called? But the rest is Afghanistan And that's how you're getting every drug in the world Into the U.S.

As far as like, you know, actually making opioids Because in the 90s, I worked in a pharmacy Which was a great place for a drug addict Especially when they weren't counting the pills You could do it by weight So you just say like, hey, I got to go take out the trash and you just like open up a bottle like valium or percocets and just you know fill your cellophane the golden triangle the remote jungle covered border region where thailand meyanmar and lao people's democratic republic meet has been has seen an exponential surge in the manufacturing traffic of synthetic drugs yes so that's what it is it's the golden triangle that's what i was thinking of that had a there was a major reason why we were in vietnam there was so much money coming out of there and the idea that some corrupt factions of either the military or the

intelligence agencies or whoever it is. And not saying the agencies or the military themselves, I'm saying corrupt factions because there's always going to be those, just like when the CIA sold drugs in South Central L.A. to pay for the Contras versus the San Distas. It's all real. Well, look at Detroit. When you look at White Boy Rick, White Boy Rick was somebody who was caught selling crack. And you had Coleman Young, the mayor, who was pretty corrupt. and then you had the FBI who caught him and said, hey, here's some more crack. Just go into the city and find out who the dealers are.

Then when White Boy Rick got brought in by the city, the FBI was like, we didn't do that. We'd never put crack into a black community. We don't know. We've never seen this kid in our life. So this kid, who's my cousin's friend, White Boy Rick, ends up going to prison. I don't know the exact time.

For like 30 years, he's like 17. They tried to name him as a kingpin. And again, he's a white boy. in Detroit, who's 17. He's not a kingpin of shit. And he served the longest time because Coleman Young was pissed. He was dating his niece. So he goes away.

And then while he's in jail, they have him sign a thing that said he stole a car so his sister didn't have to go to jail. So finally, they let him out for all this wrongdoing. Then he never did, this sentence that was bad shit. And then he has to go right from that jail to Chicago. to serve time for stealing a car while he was in prison. His story is crazy. There's a documentary called White Boy,

and it's one, yeah, that's the one with McConaughey, which is a good movie. McConaughey was in the movie? Yeah, McConaughey plays his dad. My uncle knew the actual guy. He said he was like, he said he was kind of a dipshit. He would sell guns very obviously

out of his basement. They live like two blocks over. So is this guy alive now? Oh, he's still alive, yeah. And is he out? Is that White Boy, Rick? Yeah, that's him now. He got out just a few years ago.

Jesus Christ. So he was in there from... How old is he now? Oh, I don't know. Well, he went in in the 80s. Oh, my God. And I think he got out around 2020. So, yeah, if you see the documentary, White Boy, I highly recommend...

Yeah, see a teenage drug informant for the FBI, but then they denied ever talking to him. Look at it says above where the M&M picture is. White Boy, Rick, releases his own marijuana strain. Yes. That's the good thing about Detroit now is it's all, like, insanely legal. That's funny. Freeway Ricky Ross is doing that in L.A. Is he really?

Yeah. Freeway Ricky Ross, who was selling the drugs in L.A. that paid for the Contras versus the San Anastas. Oh, that's awesome. He's got his own weed line now. I know a few guys who were, like, heavy busted in the late 90s, and now they all have stores, and it's just hilarious to me. You would think that they would shy away from that. No, they just smoked.

Even after, I was like, still, okay. Okay. But my saying is, my thinking is, it's still federally illegal. It is. Like, to open up a store and have that your primary source of income, a Schedule 1 drug, according to the government. It seems risky as fuck for someone's already been inside. Oh, dude. It really, well, it's odd that they could get the right, like the permit for it.

I know. Or at least they know someone who got the permit for it and they work there. So maybe I shouldn't let out too much. Their grandmother or something. Yeah, that's who owns the store. He's a 95-year-old lady. But if you go to parts, too, it's like weed store, weed store, vape store, weed store. You're like, I can't believe you pack this many into a block.

Yeah. It's not like a liquor license that takes forever to get. It seems pretty easy. We've all joked about stalking each other online, but let's not forget. Some people do it for real. Remember the Minnesota State Representative and her husband who are shot dead in their home? Authorities now think her killer found her home address and the names of her family members from DataBron. brokers. So how can you keep your personal information private? ExpressVPN. ExpressVPN is an app that

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And right now, you can get four extra months free if you tap the banner or go to ExpressVPN.com slash Rogan. That's expressvpn.com slash Rogan. And if you're watching on YouTube, get your four free months by scanning the QR code on screen or by clicking the link in the description. I wonder if there's like weed store wars. There's got to be. There must be. They're fighting over profits.

They're all in the same street together. Well, I was just in Elbuquerque last weekend. And they had the same thing where I'm like, so it's weed store, massage parlor, vape store, buy here, rent here, car lot. You buy here, pay here, weed store, weed store, weed store. It's crazy how legal it is in a state. Yeah, it all depends on the state, right? In Texas, it's just medical. And I think you have to have AIDS.

I think you basically did. Yeah, they only wanted to give it to the bad, bad AIDS people. They're expanding that, though. They're looking at expanding that. If the federal government just changed the designation or distinction or whatever you would say it is, like from Schedule 1 to Schedule 3 or something like that. which is reasonable. That's what they should do.

Well, the whole thing is ridiculous, and that's how you get organized crime. I mean, look at prohibition. Detroit was one of the first places to have it when it was three years before they actually made it nationally outlawed. And that gave birth to the Purple Gang, who Capone was even afraid of. And I mean, those guys were fucking ruthless. And they would just go over to Canada because it was right across the river, and they would just either take a boat or in the winter they would drive.

And, of course, they'd send some underliebun, to drive to figure out how heavy the ice was, so they knew if they put that many kegs in a thing, you'd die. So there's just model T's at the bottom of the river. Really? Yeah, dude, it's cool. A lot of the old mansions still have the tunnels

that will lead out into the river that the bootlakers used to use. Wow. It's really fascinating. So Canada never went prohibition, huh? No, and it was right there. Like, you could throw a rock. You just take a drive to Toronto.

Yeah, just go right. And you're partying. Yeah. Like a civilized person. Well, they have legal weed up there, too. Yeah, they do. country. Yeah, this is one of them. Look at that. Model T at the bottom of the river. And this was the guy who's like, I got a whole bunch. And then halfway.

That's fucking badass. The ice went out. Yeah, dude, they were, the purple gang was ruthless, man. I never heard of that before. They were the first, they were probably the first Jewish gang. They had Irish members as well. They were the Bernstein brothers. Their parents owned a shoe store. And like, the legend is they were called purple because that was the color of rancid meat. So they hated the name because they thought it sounded gay. But they still like. Like, they still ran with it. But when you see pictures of them all lined up in, like, mug shots, like, they would do stuff, like, walk up to somebody and be like, hey, I like your ring. And they'd be like, thanks. And then a guy would just, like, cut the dude's finger off and he would take his ring.

Like, they were, like, the level of cruelty these guys would inflict on people to take over a city was next level. Wow. And they never heard of this before. Yeah, dude. Even Copone wouldn't mess with him because he was over in Chicago and needed some of these guys. guys to supply the liquor. Wow, and the Purple Gang ruled Detroit. So is that a documentary where it says the Purple Gang?

They have, that might be, they did a mob museum thing on and I went and saw in Vegas. Like that book right there, the organized crime in Detroit, that's a great book. And it's got a lot of fun photos. But, yeah, they were, they were as ruthless as you could absolutely get. Go to that first picture in the upper left-hand corner and make it big. Look out. their faces man yeah none of them are happy those are hard looking dudes yeah they had a rough rough life so a lot of them were just like stray kids that were irish that were just abandoned by their parents

and then the rest were these jewish kids whose parents owned a uh shoe store wow and i mean eventually they dismantled the italians took over but you know during prohibition they reigned wow yeah never heard of that before it's a really cool story that i've always wanted to in a movie and nobody's been able to execute it and I would love to see it because maybe somebody will now that you just got the story out I hope people do because it's such a cool story it sounds crazy like the level of Detroit mob too that's been around is just it's wonderful I like I should say wonderful but I love it just crazy yeah like they were nice to my dad and stuff when he was young and you know like when he had gotten back from nom and you know they're just nice people that I knew well

Nice people that kill people. Yeah, but, you know, they kill, I kill bad people. Yeah. The, but the thing you said that it's so important is that, like, Prohibition, all it does is prop up organized crime. And the fact that we still do it, it's just, it's just for optics. It's just because people say, I don't want legal drugs on the streets and my kids getting hooked on drugs. Drugs are here. They're here.

If your kids go to a club, if your kids go to a bar, if your kids are partying, drugs are there. They're a real thing. you'd be way better off if drugs were legal, and then you knew exactly what you were getting because these kids are getting fentanyl because I had this guy Ed called around the other day, who's an expert in the cartels, and he said they started adding fentanyl

because they had grown so many poppies that the soil had been depleted. So the heroin was very weak. So to make the heroin more potent, they started adding fentanyl. Is that what it was? And the desire for all that stuff was all because of the Sackler brothers.

So the Sackler brothers, when they created, created this opiate crisis in America, which did not exist before, where everybody's hooked on these fucking pills. Then they started cracking down the laws. So now you have a demand and you don't have a supply. And then along comes the cartel and starts making pills. And they start making pills with fentanyl in them because their heroin's not that strong. Xanax, percocet, all these things that kids don't know they're taking.

That's the shit part. And so you're, they make it look just like the real pill. Oh, I know what those are. Oh, yeah. You get those pressed zanis that just like. a bar and it's just complete fentanyl and i when i remember when fentanyl i shouldn't say first came out it's been around but it was first started becoming he put it in products you weren't expecting and i had like three friends die within a matter of maybe four months and that's how i started

noticing like well this is going to get serious and now uh there's a site i see it's called every 11 minutes and that's when or every every 11 seconds and that's how long it takes for someone to OD on fentanyl in this country. So every 11 seconds, a new person is overdosing on fentanyl. Wow. And all because of our stupid laws. And I'm not saying

I'm not saying legal heroin would be good for everybody. It's not good to do heroin. I think everybody would agree to that. Well, yeah. I did it before once. It was good. Was it? Oh, yeah. What was it like? Did you shoot it or snort it? I snorted it, no, sorry, I snorted it, and then I smoked black tar heroin, and one time I shot it, so three.

Wow. What was the best one? The shooting it? Yeah. That's why they do it. That was in, that was majestic. Was it? Yeah, dude.

What's it like? The most calming, wonderful, God, this sounds like I'm promoting it. Also with my voice, like, it's the most calming, wonderful sensation. You've ever had? You're going to love it, kids. It felt amazing. Like, every problem you've ever had is gone, and you feel nothing but euphoria. Which is different than, like, Oxy and some other stuff, which kind of just makes you feel, to me, loose and tired.

Hmm. I mean, this makes you tired. You're crashing out, but you're also getting a feeling that was really, really, like, warm and exciting. Like, I only smoked crack once on accident, and that was... How do you do that on accident? They put it in a joint, right? So, we're sitting at my friend's back porch, and he gives me fur. She's on the joint, and I hit it, and it had, like, a weird sizzle, and I hit it.

I'm like, this is the best pot I've ever had in my life. And it's like, yeah, they gave me free crack. And I was like, oh, good. So I'm now high on crack. My other friends are pissed. They go and throw the joint in the sewer. And I'm just sitting there like, and it doesn't last very long, but it felt really fucking good.

Like, I immediately would have done more crack had there been the option. But it definitely takes you over very quickly. Did you ever see the Hunter Biden thing recently where he did this interview where he was talking about how great crack is? Oh, yeah. He's spot on. It was the best ad for crack I've ever seen in my life. and you only did like one hit right i did once and then i'm done like very rare but they threw it in the

sewer did you want to go get it yes i wanted to go i wanted to go back to wayburn where the street where we got it and i was like we should go get more crack guys i don't know if you you didn't feel this but it's i think you're probably the no you're not the first person i've talked to that shot heroin but your first person who described it oh it was my friend jay had it and it was in high school yeah it was a it had to be better to get people to shoot it up there's the only way it could be able to get people that kind of commitment get a needle find a vein get a fucking rope tie off your arm it was awful that part yeah and then then it wasn't did you do it with a guy yeah so he'd have done it before he did it for me yeah he died of a heroin overdose in

his parents kitchen yeah i know you wouldn't expect it what a shocker found his head between like the fridge and the stove you got stuck i think he was either looking for something or collapsed right there oh boy yeah it wasn't good nice guy i knew this dude um in the 90s his name was water dog okay he was a professional pool player like a really high level professional pool player and he was a heroin addict and he would go into the bathroom um like i saw him play straight pool which is this game where you're just running balls, like it's called 14 and 1. It's what they played in the hustler. So you have instead of like eight ball where the balls in the center, you have a soft break where you're just trying to not scatter the balls very much. And the idea is to eventually

someone makes a mistake and you leave an open shot and that person runs out that rack, leaves one ball on the table, makes that ball and collides the cue ball into the rack and opens up that rack and then keeps going and a really good player can run like two 300 balls yeah so this guy was playing for 10,000 dollars in the 90s so it was a lot of money I was broke so I couldn't believe anybody could play pool for 10,000 dollars this guy goes into the bathroom shoots up comes out and sits on this this bar stool like this just sits there for like 20 minutes man just sat there and then we were all watching him like his arms are all curled up like this and then he got off screwed his cue together and never missed when i say

never missed i mean it was the craziest display of pool i think i had ever seen at the time he played like the greatest pool player that's ever played he had no nerves he couldn't be rattled the guy he was playing this guy george de greek who's this degenerate gambler was a really good player too who's screaming and yelling at him this motherfucker he can't play without the shit he's got to have that shit to play

he didn't give a fuck he was listening to him yell he had eyeballs his his pupils were like the size of quarters yeah and he didn't miss he just was firing balls in with like perfect accuracy he got perfect position on every ball

it was wild to watch he was just fully heroined up just running out the table like like he saw it in advance like he was looking at a math problem that was easy to solve. And he's just basically slow Eddie and coming back and just knocking it all in. Like that's, but it's never been like a performance enhancing drug.

But to that guy. But for nerves. Yeah. This is the thing. I think if you're, if you're playing for $10,000 and you're basically homeless, he was basically homeless. I mean, he would like sleep on people's couches. And so with a guy like that, you'd get a backer.

So a bunch of gamblers would come in and then they'd come up with the money. And then they'd go in with you and you'd get a cut of it. So if you won, maybe you get 40%. They get 60% because they put up all the money. So it's a free shot at 40% of $10,000. And for a guy who needs it, he's got no money. Yeah. And he's staying in flop houses and he always had the same shirt on, like a throwaway sweater with a Christmas tree on it.

Like, you always look like shit. Yeah. I watched him play some of the greatest pool I've ever seen played in my life. That's incredible. On this really tight-pocketed table, too. The table was like a real trick table. Table one at Executive Billiards in White Plains, New York. It was a trick table.

Yeah. It was like, you had to be really good to play on that table. And that's why George wanted to play him on that table because it was hard. And he was used to it. That was like his home turf. He played on it all the time. And this motherfucker never missed. Heroined out of his mind.

That's crazy. He had no nerves. George is, like, yell in his face. He'd be like this. Nothing. Didn't feel a thing. Didn't feel a thing. It never missed.

That's what it is. There's no problem to you anymore. There's no, it takes away every worry you have. So I ran into him years later. Okay. There's a pool tournament. And so this is when I was probably 23. I was living in New York.

And then I moved to L.A. And then I'm like 27, 28 now, and I'm playing in this tournament at Hard Times billiards. Hard times was like the pool hall in the country back then. Like all the world-class professionals, all the Filipinos, the best players in the world. It sounds familiar, actually. Crazy place. It was an amazing place. I used to love going there.

I'd play in the Sunday tournament. So I get down there, and I see Water Dog. I go, hey, man, what are you doing out here? Because he's a Connecticut guy. He's from Connecticut. And he's like, I'm going to play in the tournament, but I don't have any money. I go, I'll put you in the tournament. Because, like, it's like, I remember what it was, like, 50 bucks or something for this guy.

I'm like, you might win this fucking thing. He goes, but I got to go get my shit. I go, okay, go get your shit. He goes, I need a ride. I go, where do you need to go? And he's like South Central. I'm like, I'm not driving you to South Central, L.A. So you can score heroin.

Yeah, you're fucking mine. It's like, don't worry. And he was like, dude, you won't get caught. I was like, you can't say that. I go, first of all, if you get caught, you know, they take your car. And I had a nice car at the time. I had a Toyota Supra. I was pretty excited about.

Yeah. I was like, I'm not driving my brand new Toyota Supra to fucking the crack house. Right. So you're usually in South Central. This is crazy. But they arrest people all the time doing that. And they take their car. Those are those like the scam

They compound your car And then they auction it Right I was like He's like that won't happen I'm like You fucking What?

Yeah So he I go look I'll put you in the tournament If you want to play But I'm not taking you I go If you can get a cab there

Or something Go Right So he just did it straight And he couldn't make a ball Really Yeah He lost two matches in a row

He's out Oh damn Yeah NFL fans Week 1 Just became Your Place to play

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Tocons are single use and expires September 8th at 815 p.m. Eastern terms at pick6.draft kings.com slash promos. Did you bet for him to win? No. No, I gave him like whatever the entry fee was for the tournament. Oh, I got you. Okay. But, you know, I wasn't, you know. You were probably like, not today.

Well, I was just like tired of him telling me to go to South Central to get heroin with him. Well, yeah, and that's a good way to get carjacked on top of if it's just cops. Yes. I mean, that was very popular to do. You had a little white boy who's on TV. Yeah, dude. That's how they got cars. Not only that, it's the, I would actually be buying the heroin.

Oh, is this during Fear Factor or? No, this was during news radio. So I would be buying heroin because I would have to pay for it because he didn't have any money, which is why he didn't have any money to get into the tournament. So, like, I would have to pipe. I would be buying heroin. Yeah. In South Central.

From news radio. There was no TMZ back then, so it probably wouldn't have even made the the news if I got arrested. No one would have cared. Yeah, I guess that's true. I don't know. No one would have cared. I was one person. They just think it was Andy Dick and let it go. But even Andy Dick wasn't getting in trouble back then. Not really. It wasn't making the news. Our show wasn't popular enough

that anybody cared. And I was only one of eight people on the cast. Right. So I wasn't a star. So I could go anywhere. And every now and then someone would go, hey, you're that guy from that show. Hey, what's up? It was pretty easy to get around back then. Which is great if you're on an NBC show. I mean, good or bad, but you're getting the money and you don't have to deal with all the shit well it was it was really good preparation for what I have to deal with today yeah because it was like a slow trickle of

fame to the point when when you get really famous like oh I know what this is this is a trick right like don't don't get sucked into the trick but back then um you know so if I got arrested it probably would have just been I would have probably had to do some time or something I probably would have to like plea out or do communities I probably explained but would happen maybe they listened to me i'd be like please drug test me i've never done heroin yeah i'm not but even though you're still buying heroin so it's still a felony well it was a time where they were more lax on all those laws too i mean not lax but lax with penalties i should say yeah because it wasn't as public because i mean even like robert johnny junior who i do greatly

admire actually uh because i'm in recovery as well but even with him it's like you had to go into your neighbor's house and fall asleep in a kid's race car bed and people were like you know Maybe you should do a little time behind bars. Yeah, well, he was a repeat offender. Yeah. You know, probably jail was a wake-up call for him. I love that guy. He's a great guy, too.

And it's become Iron Man. So to watch that trajectory is absolutely astonished. It's amazing. It's incredible. Wish I'd get him off that vegan diet, though. Looks like he's fucking wasting away. Yeah, that doesn't look good on anybody. It's not real.

No. You're trying to be kind. But you're just supporting monocrop agriculture, which kills more animals than anything. Yeah, I don't want my superheroes vegan. Well, he's a nice guy That's what it is Nice people want to do Kind things

And sometimes you get roped into A shitty decision making You're getting all your protein from soy And they're like, why don't I have tits? I'm like, why am I lactating? Why am I always crying? I'm very emotional all the time And now they're banning lab grown meat

So like they can't even go to that Which I mean It's good, right? I don't know I don't know enough about the dangers of lab-grown meat. I don't know. I ate a Beyond Burger once because my friend just brought me one.

That's horseshit. It was awful. There's a terrible. Yeah. Those, they're in trouble because those people, like, their stockholders all fucking went crazy because they thought they were going to make money off that. They're like, this is it. We made it taste just like a burger.

Everyone's going to love it. Cruelty-free. No, it gives rats cancer. Oh, good. You ever seen? This study on these. Because essentially it's just, it's the most highly processed shit available. Look, if you want to be a vegetarian or a vegan or whatever, eat vegetables.

Yeah. Eat organic vegetables. That's healthy. But when you want to pretend that something's a hamburger, it's a transburger, you have to, it has to go through a lot. Just like a trans person has to go through. You want to get a vagina. Guess what? You need general anesthesia.

And you have to have a guy who's going to cut your dick in. half and use an apple core to make you a vagina and then you're going to have to take a rubber dick and keep it in there so it doesn't close up so you have to dial it you're getting the patty that basically shoots up a school it's all just filled with nonsense it's bad for you yeah it's all bad for you and it's it's not even satisfying it's it's not good like when uh my friend duncan you know Duncan Duncan Trussell yes yeah yeah he was living in north carolina and uh he said me a picture during the pandemic. It was like, look, this is all that's available.

And all the meat had been gone, and there was just beyond burgers. That's all that was left. Everybody had bought all the hamburger, all the steaks, all the chicken. And it was just this fucking bullshit fake meat. Well, yeah, because at the end of the day, you kind of have to know it's bullshit. Well, I think in the beginning, like, didn't Kevin Hart have a restaurant where he was just selling all vegan food? people do it because they think they're being a good person that's what it is sure yeah i get it i get i get the i get the sentiment behind it but just eat vegetables if you really want to go that route

just eat vegetables but guess what don't go that route it's not good for you well no we're not designed to do that no and i'm not saying i have the healthiest diet obviously but it's like yeah i like steaks i like meat i just probably the only thing keeping you alive probably the only thing i get yeah i had a lot of dyes i get a lot of migraine Rains. A lot of dyes, a lot of that red 40 that they try to get rid of. Yeah. That was another hilarious thing when RFK Jr.

was saying that they had to get rid of the red die 40 and they're like, well, if we do, what will happen to our business? Meanwhile, the same business is selling this same cereal to Canada without the die because in Canada it's illegal. Right. Oh, the amount of stuff that we looked at, like our entire breakfast as a kid was just cancer. That's the only thing they advertised on TV. Just have a big sugary bowl of cancer and some toast with diabetes, too, waiting for you. God. Yeah, it was nuts to think the amount of it.

Because I'm just the microwave generation. Like, yeah, just throw that in the microwave. We can just pour a bowl of this shit the last 45 years in the cupboard. For us, it was TV dinners. Yeah. You get a frozen TV dinner. You put it in the oven. The next thing you know, you're eating Salisbury steak.

Yum, yum. And those wonderful potatoes. Yeah, those little fluffy potatoes are in that little tin. And occasionally the worst brownie you've ever had. It's not a good brownie. No. I used to love those little TV dinners. I just think there was a treat when we ate TV dinners.

Oh, yeah. That's how it was at my house. There's no vitamins in that. No, you never felt full. You felt gross, but you never felt full. It's just, do you think of it? I mean, even the food pyramid, I mean, how crazy is it that in the 20th century, they had it totally wrong? With all the access to books, all the information we had about health.

and nutrition. They were so wrong. Even with the food for the bottom of was all the shit that gives you inflammation. What the foundation is this inflammation-causing bread. What you need here is mostly wheat. You have to make sure you get 18 servings a day of white bread. With bromate in it. You want to get a lot of that. You want to get a lot of folic acid sprayed on it. Enriched flowers better. Yeah. Here's sugar. That's in there for some raised two ounces of protein make sure you grab that a day tons of sugar dog everything everybody had type 2 diabetes when I was a kid they just didn't know it oh yeah well everybody's getting it now it's still constant I know it's there's never been a time where poor people are so fat

no like starving people are obese that's what's crazy like you can't get nutrition in your body but you also have to sit down to get groceries in a cart or to go to Disneyland yeah Disneyland is the place you find them all yeah and it's like why Why? Because they get the carts for you. They have carts set up there for you because it's a lot of distance you got to cover. You do, yeah. A lot of parks.

I just don't see the enjoyment of a ride. Any rides? Well, I mean, not the ride you get for free to go from ride to ride, but the actual ride. No, I love rides myself. But if I weighed 400 pounds, I may not enjoy it or... Yeah, that would take a lot of the love out of it. It would, wouldn't it? You wouldn't fit in those seats.

Especially if you're with your kid and the bar comes down and that one has no protection. Right. The kid's fucked. The kid's just going to pop right off the top because you're so fat. Exactly. Right. Right? There's like this much of a gap.

You've seen those people where the kid and the kids are like looking at his mom all nervous. Yeah. Like realizing. You should be fucking nervous. You should be terrified. I used to think that when I got on ski lifts, I'm like, this is crazy. I just let you sit on this thing way, way, way above the mountain. Oh, and people would fall off all the time.

Yeah. Because they think it would be funny to jump or what I did. It was always, always bad. Like we didn't have mountains in Michigan, but we did have big enough hills. Like, I went skiing. We did a lot of skiing when we were real young. And then I went down a, it was like a double black diamond. I think they're called.

Yeah, I was like, I got this. And my ski got stuck in a soft mogul, and I just went down it on my face. It looked like eight dudes beat the shit out of me. Like, I was just like all scarred and bleeding. And then I just didn't ski much after that. I got a concussion a few years back, and I stopped skiing. I'm like, I'm done. I got a concussion, and I got what's called a,

an insufficiency fracture or my shin. Some lady did not have skiing. She slid into the trail like sideways, like doing this thing. And I had two choices, either destroy this lady or wipe out hard. And I took the second choice and got a fucking, I banged my head off the ground. Oh, shit. It was bang. I heard this, and I had a helmet on, but it was still.

Yeah. The bang was loud and I was dizzy for the rest. I 100% got a concussion. And I didn't feel right for the rest of the day And then I was like, I'm done This is not worth the thrill Everybody I know has a torn ACL from it A concussion, my grandpa died

Oh God, I'm sorry, yeah Oh no, oh, I didn't know if you're... You know what I mean? Yeah, but no, they do though. They all have stories. Well, yeah, they all have this, like somebody knows A Sunny Bono who just like launched right into a tree Of a mighty oak.

It's not worth it. No, dude. I just never enjoyed it that much. And when I tried snowboarding, I'm like, I sucked at skateboarding and was a poser at that one. Why am I even attempting this? Snowboarding, you're attached to that fucker, too. At least with skis, the skis pop off.

You can get away. The board's coming with you when you fall. I know a lot of people got knocked out snowboarding because the feet go up in the air. Yeah. You know, like something happens. A feet go up in the air and your head first. Dude, my son does it and he's 10 and I let him, but he's pretty good at it. But I always get very nervous when he goes to do it.

But he's good with, I mean, he's a very good athlete. The good thing is little kids have less weight, and when they're falling, it's not as painful, and then they're all flexible and pliable. Dude, he broke his arm. It was crazy, and he was better in, like, it was like eight days. It was like Wolverine. Like, how did you do this? Like, I tore my, was it, meniscus, ACL, blew off half my kneecap. Oh, boy.

And, yeah, I was making fun of my friend, and then he tackled me. And we were on a linoleum floor with keg beer. oh no so instead of uh instead of going to the hospital when it was in a lot of pain i'm like i just wait till the morning and i had my friends carry me around this party and then the next morning i'm like yeah this isn't moving at all so my friend jimmy drove me to the hospital and dude it was like out of a like sitcom like doctors opened up a door into my leg he wheeled me into a drinking fountain on accident like i broke my leg more just trying to get into the hospital and then by the time I got to end for them to do the surgery they're like what happened I couldn't be like I was

drunk at my friend's house you know I was like oh I slipped on ice it was winter I was walking to my car and they're like this is a lot of damage for just slipping on ice because I just twisted it all night I should have known I mean my foot was like behind me oh god when I did it like my knee just is so I have rods in my right knee so I just try oh really you have rods to keep it together three yeah wow it was that bad yeah like you can hear it pop sometimes when I walk it's nice does it hurt uh sometimes but not not as bad as you think it would if i'm like doing a treadmill for a long time or if i do something where we're just outside like because i'll go hiking or whatever makes my wife likes it so we'll do that but i like that'll hurt after maybe

a couple miles but not like a severe pain just annoying yeah that's fine yeah and you can like weather messes with it in the sense but nothing crazy do they is there an option to take those rods out because a lot of them they put them in there so that the bones heal correctly right yeah there might be i mean it's been 25 years i'm sure there's been advancements in it and i just don't bring it up i bet your bones are just grown around it now and i'm sure it's destroyed they're probably like why didn't you come in i'm like you didn't you didn't bring it up either yeah i know a guy broke his arm and the screws from the plate that kept his arm together were popping through his skin so he had a had another operation they opened up his arm again and took the plate out and

because the arm had healed, like the bones had fused, but then the plates and the screws started backing out through his skin. They're poking through his skin. That's what happened to my son, and it sucks because he was like six. And him and his friend were hanging out at his friend's house, and they had like a slide that was eight feet in the air, and they both decided to jump off of it. Oh, God.

And he landed funny, and he's a little kid. So I was at my friend's mom's funeral. I like rush back to get. It's the worst thing in the world when it's your kid. It's just the worst. but yeah we made sure like he got the screws out he got the right like everything went fine but when you're six you heal so good it was honestly like he they cut the cast off like two weeks before they were supposed to because he's like I can go like this I'm like that's amazing

because I remember I would like go to bars still and I was still underage but I was still going to bars with like a cast on oh boy like a full-blown knee brace and I you know I'm wearing like track suits and like I'd chains and like ear rinse I was that kid you know So I'm like just like a raver stoner, and I'm just walking around with my crutches. That's hilarious. How long did it take before you could walk again? Properly, about six months. Now, every now and then I do walk with a limp because it just kind of goes out.

Does your friend still feel embarrassed by this? No, I don't. No, it's one of those guys you've known for so long. It's he didn't care then. And I was saying stuff to him that kind of. and I deserved it. So, like, I mean, he felt really bad. I shouldn't say that, but no, it's not anything.

The girl who owned the house went nuts, and she was so hot, and I always had a crush on her. And she's like, your family's going to sue me. I'm like, my family's not going to sue any. They don't sue people, but we're not going to sue you. And, like, I think my dad had passed at that point, and she's, like, so freaking out because she would have these wild Christmas parties every year where it happened. Oh, boy. And that ended the wild Christmas parties.

And she's like, yeah, you never sued. I'm like, yeah, why would I sue? I'm stupid like it's it was my fault and then I just went out and said yeah it fell on ice isn't that a gross thing that people would just sue if they did something stupid in your house they would sue you dude I've never never like I can understand points where people have it's just such a scammer mentality it's a shit thing to do to anybody it's like somebody who like slips delivering a package or any of that stuff that's that's possible there's a lady that was um when my kids were younger there was this lady that was a single mom

and her daughter was playing with my daughter and, you know, they'd come over the house and she went out to another person's house and, you know, like, they'd have play dates like kids do and she wasn't there. So she comes to pick up her daughter and they have a dog and the dog is a very friendly dog

and the dog, you know, they jumps up to like, you know, dogs do that. Of course. And scraped her with its claws. Just scraped her with his claws. She sued the family. For $50,000. And won. And they just settled.

They settled because they were informed. Listen, legal fees is going to be probably $100,000. She wants $50,000. So this fucking asshole, a dog did. Dog nails. Just scratched her a little bit. Not even, like, bleeding. Nothing crazy.

Just normal. Oh, your dog's crazy. Like where you and I would be like, what a cute dog. Right. She was like, ooh, opportunity to sue this family that's wealthy. Especially the fact that that's just what they. do. I remember when we were young, there were two pit bulls that were at this house behind a camp we were at. And this one kid was always throwing rocks at them. And we were like,

you shouldn't do that, because we like the dogs. And the camp had its own golden retriever. And it was fine with the pit bull. They'd run on the fences and stuff. So we, that's when I first even started getting used to dogs when I was young, because I've always liked dogs. And I have two, and I've had tons. But I remember that the pit bull, once the kid stuck his finger through the fence, took off these two parts these two tappas of his finger and like they sued they put the dog down and we were like

he's been chucking rocks at those things all summer like he's been antagonizing these animals all summer and I mean it sucks that it happens but it's like it sucks to your kid's stupid too yeah it sucks that he was told not to do it a bunch of times and then there was a consequence to this shitty action

also how did you raise a kid that's throwing rocks at dogs like what's what kind of a kid would throw rocks at a It's like the first thing you find that has unconditional love for you. It's the first thing that, like, you trust in a different way than a human. Did he have dogs? There's no way he did. I didn't remember him well.

I remember the blood and the screaming, but I don't remember much about him other than that. And the weird handshakes afterwards? Yeah. Yeah, I knew his penmanship wasn't very good after. Old stubs. Yeah. Yeah, man. Yeah, but he deserves it.

Pippos are tricky dogs, though. My brother's had ones where Yeah, he's I've had a bunch of them He's rescued a couple And I've had friends who have saved them In Detroit from fights Where because they would throw them in a back alley

The losers And sometimes my friends would take them And get him sewn up and keep them But those dogs specifically Would kind of only be left To alone for the owner Like my friend would keep it just for him Like locked up

Well they're usually fine with people Yeah The real issue with pit bulls is dogs and children. They think of children as animals. They don't know that a child is a person. At least it seems like they don't, because they attack kids. Well, and children don't know dogs are animals sometimes. And that's kind of how I treat with my kids. Like, you have to understand that, you know, like when you're roughhousing or whatever, like there's a, yeah, I'd be real careful because she may not necessarily know what you're doing, you know. And he learned that

at a young age and dogs love them. But a lot of times kids can be really, really rough with Yeah, they can be, sure. Especially if they don't grow up with them, they don't know, they're not taught. But the thing is, like, if you have a sweet dog, like, I have a golden retriever. Yeah. And if my kids thought all dogs were like my dog, and then they went up to another dog and grabbed his face, that dog might bite your fucking face off. Yeah, and goldens are the best. Like, they're just designed to be the sweetest animals on the planet. He's the nicest dog of all time, the best pet ever. Yeah. He's just the homie. He comes home. He's like, hello, he wags. He always has to greet you with a toy. Like, as soon as I come in the house, he grabs one of his toys and runs up to you with a toy. Dude, it's the nicest feeling in the world. Yeah, they're the sweetest dogs. He cuddles with me when I watch TV. He climbs up, like, literally, like, lies in my lap. You know, he's 75 pounds.

He puts his fucking head on my chest. And he just likes to be pet while I'm watching TV. Yeah, they just want to be with you. Yeah. It's the nicest thing. And, you know, I had a Rottweiler. Then people are afraid of those, but she was the sweetest dog. A lot of it is how you treat them.

Yeah. But it's also the breed. It's also the bloodline. Like if you get a game-bred pit bull And you expect it to be cool with other dogs You're out of your fucking mind That dog is designed to fight dogs Yes

You know But if you get a good dog And you train them well And teach them And you know It takes a lot of responsibility You know like people that want out And get like a German Shepherd

Or a Belgian Malamois And think they're gonna just keep in their yard Like you know You just literally got like an elite super athlete For a pet You know And you're just thinking you're just going to leave it in the yard and occasionally throw the ball to it. The fuck out of here.

You never walk it, so it's got a bunch of pent-up anger and energy. Exactly. Good for you. It's like a high school kid that's been left in a confined space. Yeah. See how it works when he comes out into the real world. Bring him to a dog park. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Did you see that video of the dog parks, some of them? What video? There's one video where a guy, his dog is attacking one dog, and some dude runs up. up out of nowhere and just shoves his finger in one dog's ass. Oh, that works. Yeah, it did, but it was still the most ridiculous thing. Like, this guy just runs in like he thinks he's Superman, is like, I've got it and just

starts fingering the ass. Well, if a dog has a lock on another dog, that's one of the only ways to let him go. Is it? Yeah. Yeah, I hear it works. I've never done it. But hoses work. Hoses work.

Yeah. When dogs would fight with each other, you could hose them. And a lot of times, they'll let go. Yeah. They just freak out. You get in the face with a. jet of water yeah that will do it but you know the really fucked up thing is that people bred dogs for fighting

and they like to fight they when they fight they wag their tails yeah they're having fun that's what's crazy yeah you watch them like literally chewing each other's faces off and they're wagging their tails well i got a border collie at the same time as a rottweiler and they were both pretty you know they both enjoyed fighting each other fun but i don't play fighting yeah and you'd always just watch for the tail waggling because they'd be flipping each other over. Right.

Like when we first got the rot, we went to a dog park because they were like newer to us in Michigan and this one dog just kept coming up that was bigger than my rot, but kept kind of like messing with her. Yeah. And then finally my rot grabbed her by the neck and flipped this dog over and was just like pinning it with her mouth. And then the dog gave up and was showing its belly. And I'm like, oh, fuck.

I'm like, are we're going to leave the dog park now? You know, like people were like freaking out and screaming. Yeah. But the dog kept, like, coming up and, like, nipping my dog until my dog finally just, like, attacked back real quick. Yeah, which is what dogs do. They have to establish dominance. That's what she did. I was at a dog park once that somebody brought a wolf.

Are you serious? Yeah. It was the wildest thing. You got a wolf? All the dogs immediately knew it wasn't a dog. Well, yeah. Some guy had one of those seven-eighth timber wolf dogs, you know, because you can get them dogs where they're not really dogs. It's a wolf.

And this thing just walked in. and every dog was like that's not a fucking dog they all scattered it was wild watch it was big too man it was really big it was like 100 plus pounds and just big fucking mouth

big long mouth and it just looked like a wolf and every dog knew it wasn't a dog were they just all backing in the corner because wolves eat dogs oh yeah they knew yeah they fucking there was a thing like the smell the look whatever every no dog was size

up with it at all. No. Every dog just ran away. It was weird. Well, they have that instinct. And that thing is like what dogs, like that's like if a caveman walked in. Right. You know what I mean?

Like, that's the original OG of what we're supposed to be. Right, right, right. This is not a wolf. Oh, yeah. I've seen this video. This video is wild. So there's all these dogs are fighting. Okay.

And check out this one dog walks in and he's the fucking boss. And he's, this dog, look, all the other dogs back the fuck away from him. Look, they all back away. This one dog, and he gets on that dog. Like, look what happens. Oh, dude, every one of them just acts right. It's like John Wick of dogs. Look at this.

The dog just lays down, and he just gets on top of them. I once saw this dog kill one of us with a pencil. I have no idea what kind of dog that is. I don't know either. The black one. It's got to be... The white one. The one that's dominant.

The white one right there. I mean, oh, the black one was cowering. I was looking at the wrong dog. Well, why don't you take a photo of that dog? running through Google image. The dog looks like Benji. Like they probably just knew. I know, that's what's crazy.

Yeah, like it's probably just they knew it had a hard life. My friend has a dog like that. That's a small, it's a darker, like a gray and brown dog. And he takes a pig hunting. And it's the most savage fucking dog I've ever seen in my life.

And it looks like that? Yes. This dog just chases pigs. Which are crazy. And pigs are tough. Oh, yeah. But this dog is just nuts, man. Dude, that's fucking.

What kind of dog is that? Come on, Jack, GBT. A mixed or a breed or a mutt. Based on appearance, shaggy, wiry coat, body structure. How crazy is AI? Wolfhound or terrier mixes. Large size and sturdy build might also suggest some Central Asian Shepherd or Kangal ancestry, especially if the dog is used as livestock guardian.

However, without a clearer look and more context like the dog's size, weight, or behavior, it's difficult to definitively identify the breed. It's likely a mix of working or guardian breed. breeds common in rural or semi-rural areas. Yeah, that thing they just knew had it tough. Yeah. Because it just came in and didn't give fuck. It's not even a big dog.

That's what's crazy. Like, yo, that was kind of what it was like when that wolf showed up at the dog park. All the other dogs were just like, what in the holy fuck is this? Was it you? I think you were talking about it. Maybe I don't know, but it's about a guy who trains wolves. And he was saying. I've had people on that work with wolves.

You can't really train wolves. Yeah, like, but I think it was like the movie The Grey, you know, like taken with wolves or whatever. And like he said during it that he has to fall down as the stunt man or whatever. So the second he gets home, one of the wolves is going to try to take his spot on top. So you got to like grab the wolf and hold it up in the air and like that's like the main thing to do to get it to stop. But like every night he just has to prepare himself for fighting a wolf when he gets home. Oh, geez. Which is crazy.

That's so stupid. But, I mean, they all just, they're pack animals. Yeah, so as soon as you leave, they take the dominant spot. Yeah, you have a good day of filming, and there's just this wolf looking at you, the whole car ride home, seeing if he's going to take your shit once you get home. I knew a dude who had three of those, three of those wolf dogs, and he was a piece of shit. And they got out of his yard and killed the neighbor's sheep, and he lied about it. He's like, no, my dog. What my dog?

Killed like eight sheep. Dude, yeah. It's your dog. Because they just killed for fun. Yeah. Like, oh, there's just sheep that just commit suicide? What would get? Mountain Line?

What did this? Well, there's coyotes and stuff where... Not like that, though. No, no, no. That kind of damage. Coyote would have a hard time taking out of sheep. It would take a long time. Yeah.

But they grab small dogs. Oh, yeah. Like, before COVID, we, like, in Detroit and, like, the suburbs, we never had coyotes, like, any of that stuff. And then after, you see them all the time. Like, I would walk out and there just be, like, a deer in my front. lawn I'm like this is bizarre in this part and then yeah now you have ones that like hop fences and grab small dogs and jump away oh yeah yeah they're everywhere now they're in every 50 they're in all

50 states and then they're they're they're in every major city yeah that's crazy yeah they're a wild animal i mean a really interesting animal i should say obviously they're wild because when i first saw them they'd be crossing the street at night i'd be coming back from a gig and i'm like is that a is that a dog should i stop and then it's clearly just a coyote yeah and i'd never seen them up close like that ever. They're in Central Park. Are you serious? Yeah.

Yeah. I used to walk by there all time. That looks like what it is. That looks similar. Bosnian Barak. Bosnian broken-haired hound called Barak. Yeah, it looks similar. Fights bears?

That makes sense. Oh, yeah, that would be it. That would make sense why all those dogs are like, this motherfucker's not playing. Dude, he takes down Grizzlies. He is not playing. He is not playing. Yeah. A cent-hound

Yeah, that's what my friend's dog Looks like And it's a little dog And it's a girl And she's fucking ferocious And just has Yeah Dude a pig and a bear

Yeah Pigs are like Wild pigs are some of the most ferocious sounding animals I remember the first time I ever went hunting pigs We were Going down this dirt road

And to the right of us It was like heavily wooded Like high grass And they were in the grass near us and then they started fighting and it sounded like demons like orcs they were just going to war like maybe 10 15 feet from us in the group we couldn't see them because of the tall grass like the sound was nuts like this sound is insane where do you hunt them this was in california okay California where, oddly enough, they think most of them came from William Randolph-Hurst estate.

Because William Randolph-Hirst, the same piece of shit that, you know, Orson Welles covered in the movie Rosebud, the same reason why marijuana became illegal, that guy. William Randolph-Hurz had an enormous estate, and he had wild bores out there on his estate. And, of course, they got free. And now, Central California, all that area is like San Jose, they have a giant. giant problem with them. Really? Yeah, they, like, show up on people's lawns and tear their lawns apart, and you wake up at the middle of the night, just ten wild pigs on your fucking front lawn.

Holy shit. Yeah. Do they attack animals then? Oh, yeah, they kill people. Really? Yeah, so one old lady got killed by wild pigs. What a way to go. I know.

Yeah. Fucking dirty, filthy demons tearing your face off. Not that it's funny, but I mean, you just don't expect it. Kind of funny. You know, but yeah, they're all. How did Grandma go? Like, oh, she was torn to death by pigs, wild ones, in her suburb. With this place that I was at, they, you know, they hunt them a lot, and that's what we're doing.

They taste good. Yeah, I would imagine. I mean, it is pork. Yeah, it's a different kind of pork. It's like a darker meat. Oh, really? Yeah. I've never had it.

Yeah, because they're, you know, they're not eating just grain. They're eating whatever the fuck they find, and a lot of acorns. That was a lot of it. They had a lot of it. They had a lot of fat on them. They were delicious. What do you hunt them with? That time it was a rifle.

but I've bow-hunted them too. I was wondering if you did, yeah. Yeah, bow-hunted pigs. But the thing is, like, if you're bow-hunting pigs and you're shooting a wild boar, like a big boar, you probably shouldn't have a backup. Probably should have a pistol. In case it comes at you.

And you should probably have one in the chamber. So as it's running at you, you can just, da-da-da-da-da-da. You're going to have to. It'll charge you. It happens all the time. So it's kind of, because bears are like that, aren't they?

Like, if you shoot one in the heart, it'll go 100 yards? Some bears. Okay. If you shoot them in the heart, I doubt they're going to go 100 yards, but they might be able to, because they can go 100 yards pretty fast. Just on adrenaline. Yeah. But, yeah, bears are...

I'm going to say adrenachrome. If you hit a bear, like, there is a distance between you and them where it's like a fight or flight distance where they're too close where they think that you'll attack them. And so then you're in trouble. Yeah. But if they're far enough away where they think, oh, this guy's not going to chase me. and you can scare them off, that can happen. Bears are tricky. Yeah, I've never...

Well, we had one bear... I mean, it wasn't hunting us. We were just up in... What do you call them, the Smokies? Uh-huh. And it was just a vacation, and it says, don't throw food off the balcony. So, of course, the first thing my son does

is throw a hamburger. And then all we can hear is the woods start moving. And we look down, and I'm like, there's a bear. And it's... I didn't know they climb. Uh-huh. So the thing starts climbing up the side of the house

And eventually we just kind of made enough noise Or something that it went back into the woods But I'm like looking around like we have a gun right And it was like I think we have one It's good because there's a bear Climbing up the fucking house dude It was terrifying Yeah if you have food left out

If you have garbage left out Once they've established that that's a place where they get food They keep coming back That's what I was yeah And the first thing he did was just chuck a hamburger out to feed the animals and I'm like buddy I told you he's like four or five at the time and then like a couple minutes later bear oh yeah do you know the state that has the most bears per capita in the country no new jersey is it really yeah new jersey has a crazy bear problem I did not know

that at all so the governor of New Jersey ran on a platform of stopping the bear hunt because people hunt bears in New Jersey because people think of New Jersey well you think of these high density areas like Hoboken, Hackensack. Atlantic City. That's not New Jersey. New Jersey's mostly rural. And then you have those actual mountains. Uh-huh.

Yeah. Well, a kid got killed out by Rutgers, a bear ate him. Really? Rutgers University student went for a hike. Got taken out. And bears became such a problem that the same governor who ran on the stopping the bear hunt and did stop the bear hunt when he got in office, the population boosted. boomed so badly without hunters that he reinstated the bear hunt.

Oh, did he? Yeah, he had to. The interactions between humans and bears were going through the roof. I was really hoping that story ended with he got eaten by bears because that would be just the perfect irony. Well, he probably had an encounter. A lot of people that live anywhere near them have encounters. Like, there's a video of Far Rockaway, New Jersey.

We played it many times on this podcast, but we'll play it again just for you. Okay. But there's these fucking bears. They look like four, 500-pound bears, and they're fighting in the middle of a suburb and they're essentially they're going to war for garbage so like you know they claim either that or maybe one of the females is in heat but there's these two fucking huge bears and they're falling downstairs and they're out in the street and the people are filming them from their car these are big bears right are they brown bears black bears they're all black bears

they're all black bears in the united states until you get into the upper northwest and then you see More of the Grizzlies. You only get Grizzlies in like, so look at these bears. Holy shit. Yeah, bro. Fucking normal house, suburb. Just a couple bears that won the lottery. Look, got a real estate sign out there.

The size of these fuckers, dude, they knocked over the sign there, whatever that was. That was a light, I guess. Look, the electrical cords. Yeah. Bro, it spills out into the street. These guys go to war for like 10 fucking minutes. How long is this video? Six-minute video.

Look at this. They get out in the show mall when they're out in the street. so people are filming them these fuckers tumble down the side of the hill they're still duking it out I've seen them come down the street in the same yeah same place

the size of these guys man look at that right by the mailbox look at all the hair they're pulling each other's hair out isn't that crazy well dude that's just because they're claws on accident the size of these fuckers imagine that goes across your face

or skin you're done so dead those are big bears too man dude that guy's so nervous about his Volvo it's like come on don't go near it these people are so used to it these people who live in this area yeah you're right dude in a car just was like all right we gotta wait for it to

fall into the shrubs and then I'm gonna gun it hear those noises they make you imagine your little kids walking home from school you see two bears and see two fucking huge bears And this is Jersey? Yeah. Far,

Look, you hear the cars? Yeah. Yeah. Look, cars driving my, oh, hi, guys. Start, stop, well, I'm going to go get a sandwich. Yeah, you know, we have bears now. Yeah, far rock away. Holy shit.

Dude, yeah, that's... Does not have the most black bears per capita. Oh, I thought it did. I kept Googling it. It's not even popping up in the top five or six. I would imagine for a small state, though. It makes its high bear population a significant concern for residents, particularly in the states. Dude, Ted Nugent told me that.

I think these people are wrong. The state's forest covered northwestern regions of one of the highest concentrations of black bears in the nation with approximately 3,000 bears. Dude, if Ted Nugent told you that, I think he's right. Yeah.

The guy knows the thing or two. High population density, concentration in the northwest, increased sightings. The other problem is they really don't have an accurate number. Right. Because in heavily wooded areas

when you want to do like a census on animals, you're sending out wildlife biologists and they just have to count them and there's no way they can really count them correctly because you're dealing with dense woods and black bears are particularly difficult to find in the woods

their sense of smell is insane their hearing is insane and when they hear people they just get the fuck out of there yeah like in Michigan you've seen them like they come down because you know we're up by the upper peninsula and they'll come you know Canada and all that stuff but you do see them

on occasion but I guess they are becoming more and more, like they're moving more and more south towards the cities now. Of course, because nobody's hunting them. Yeah. Which I think we should. Yeah, you have to hunt them. Yeah. I mean, it's why you control the deer population.

Yeah. It's like, that's what people have always known. And, you know, somehow or another liberals lost their minds and thought it's a bad idea to control predators. Yeah. Massive, huge predators. Right. And it's like, you realize that, like, let's just say the deer's alone. If you don't control it, you're going to just have people smashing into them with their cars all day.

Not only that. They're made out of food. Right. For you to eat. Yeah. You could go eat them. Deers are delicious. And if you've ever been in front of like one with horns, like I was in the Rockies. My friend was all high. He gets out of the cars like 20 years ago.

And there's like, I don't know. It wasn't, maybe it was a deer, but like an elk or something. Probably had to be an elk. Yeah. Was it big? Yeah, really big. And he gets out like, he's like, I'm going to stand by and take a picture. I'm like, I don't think you should do that.

And even then, I'm like, terrible idea. And the thing just lowers its horns at him. And I'm like, dude, get back to the car. And we're like in a Jeep gunning it away from this thing chasing us. There's a guy that is in his car. He's talking shit to this elk that's in the street in Yellowstone. And it fucking jabs his tires. It takes his tire out.

It doesn't even know it's like, fuck! He hit because it punctures his tire. Dude, it just took him out the way a cop. would like a strip and then it's got horns just getting ready to take you out. It just stabbed his tire. It's like you want to step outside now?

The scariest ones are moose. What's that? You have the video of him taking out of his car? What's this? Oh boy. Look at the size of that fucker. Woo! Dude, you have a tree growing out of your head. A sharpened tree.

Yeah. For the tire I don't know if this is the one That cut the tire The other one was coming from the other side It was coming from the driver's side And the driver was talking shit to it But you get the point

I looked at the driver was mocking an animal But the real dangerous ones are moose Yeah Because moose will actually stomp you They will go after you There's a lot of videos of people Who think they're majestic And they're like eight feet away from them

And it's like it's not bullwinkle It's an animal in the next thing you hear is how they were killed. Yeah, it's not just that. It's an animal that's like really good at stomping at, oh boy. Is this guy get attacked? I don't know.

Sometimes you just don't. Dude, if I got an arrow, you got to, you really got to not miss. Yeah. Well, this is rough too because he's coming straight at you and so you don't have a really good shot at his vitals. So you have to take the most risky shot,

which is, You're taking a frontal. So essentially you have a very small area you're targeting, which is like the end of his beard. Yeah. So his hair comes down, like you want to get it right here. So what you're trying to do is shoot this arrow through basically like a softball size hole, maybe a little larger than a softball size hole. And it'll go straight through, slice through the heart, the lungs, everything. It's the most deadly shot if you could land it.

Right. But you got a 1,800-pound hand. animal coming at you you're shaking it's huge you're right in front of it it's 30 yards you're not sure that you could hit that spot because your arms are shaking you're filled with adrenaline and you have to go for a softball size spot yeah that thing you really want it to be standing sideways but it's not standing sideways because it's moving towards you in an offensive way you should probably just get the fuck out of it yeah i would leave immediately or get around a tree you want to get like where a tree is so you can stand behind the tree and like you're

Like, at least you can kind of maneuver a little bit. Is their sight poor? Oh, yeah, they don't have a good sight. So that's kind of, like, the better way is to kind of cover them? They're kind of dumb. Yeah. Because they're so big, they don't have to be smart. Yeah.

You know, and they don't have herds. They're not like, you don't see herds of moose. You see a bull moose they're generally by themselves or maybe with one or two other ones. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, I did not know that. And then they come in. And when they come in, they're looking for pussy.

Eyes at this one staring. Oh, that's a guy. Should you have a moose fucking you in the ass? Yeah. staring right at you oh dude and with those eyes lustful eyes

you also you better have a fucking powerful bow you gotta get into that rib cage those ribs are thick as shit so that spot is underneath that like beard

and all that stuff that he's got right there it's right here but if you hit an animal there they die so quick really see Google um

frontal shot kill on elk there's a famous video of these kids bow hunting and this elk comes in and it gives his kid a frontal shot and he takes it at like 20 yards and the elk just stands there and then blood starts spraying out of it and it just tips over like right where it stands it's nuts it's the most lethal shot if you land it correctly but it's

it's i'd never taken it it's a tricky shot like my friend cam haines probably best bow hunter in the world okay he's taking frontal shots but the last time he took when it was like at 10 yards Is that guy out here? This isn't it. This is not a frontal. These are just bills fighting. Google, this is an elk. Oh, insane frontal shot.

Okay. All right. So here we go. This isn't the one. Nothing came up when I checked the thing you just said. So that's it. He got it right there. So see how it sprays?

That was a perfect shot. Oh, shit. He got it right. If you watch where the impact is. Oh, that's Corey. Jacobson. Watch where the impact of the arrow is is right at the bottom of the beard. See where it is?

Like right at the bottom? That's perfect. That's a perfect shot. So that goes into the body cavity, severes all the arteries. That bull's dead in seconds. But this animal seems kind of like. That's crazy. Yeah, it doesn't seem as aggressive, though, as that moose.

No, no, no, no. They're not aggressive. They're looking for other elk. Okay. He's looking for love. Yeah. That's what he's looking for. Looking for love or a fight.

Okay. Yeah. Because the moose looks like he just wants to kill the guy in the video. Or at least attack him. No, they'll kill you. They will kill you. I mean, I'm sure elk have killed people before, but they don't want to. A moose will chase you.

Yeah. A moose would chase you and stomp you, especially a female moose that has her babies. That's not good. You better stay the fuck away from her. Dude, yeah, no. They will stomp you out. My buddy was chased on horseback. He barely got away from a cow moose.

Seriously, going after him? Yeah. going after him, because it had calves with him, with her. Yeah. And she was protecting her calves, and he was on a horse. And she looks at that horse, like, that might be an animal. Right. That wants to stomp my babies.

And so she, full clip, chased after him. He's like, I barely got away. Where was this at? Edmonton. Oh, that makes sense. No, BC. Okay, yeah. Yeah, makes sense.

Yeah, that's crazy. I don't know. I would be terrified if I had to try to make that shot at a moose coming at me that size. It's a sketchy shot. capacity it's a sketchy shot and it depends on what kind of broadhead you have too can you do with a gun oh yeah okay oh with a gun you could shoot them anywhere yeah i guess that's true with a gun you're just you go through the shoulders i just didn't know if it was like maybe arrow length or the reason it sticks in or something maybe no no no no no it's you should you could definitely do that with a gun the thing

about uh an arrow is you only have so much energy like from a bow so if like you hit one of those big shoulder bones like you're you're fucked it's not going to kill the animal you're probably barely going to feel it so you have to be behind the shoulder you have to and then you you know if you don't have enough power if you center punch a rib probably not going to get a lot of penetration so you have to have a really powerful bow and a lot of guys stay away from mechanical broadheads they want like a really solid fixed blade broadhead it's tricky kind of bow hunting yeah that's cool though. You're bo-hunting something that can kill you.

Yeah, which is, that's game. I mean, that's an exciting thing. That's why people like bear hunting. Or unless you're the Grizzly man guy who just, there's one of my favorite movies ever. I'm convinced Werner Herzog made that movie as a comedy. Oh, I think he did too. Yeah. I'm surprised.

Like, he says the ending is not the real footage. No, there's no actual audio footage. of that guy that's available. If you listen online, footage that says it is, it's not real. You can kind of tell they're acting. He told the lady to destroy the actual audio. That's what I heard, yeah. The lens cover was on the camera, but there is audio.

And it's a long audio, because bears don't kill you. They just start eating. Right. Yeah, they just hold you down and eat you until you die. Which is apparent to that guy who was going around elementary schools, telling people how bears aren't dangerous. Yeah, that fucking God. And then they're like, it's hibernation season, you should go.

And he's like, no, but I got peanut and sprinkles and cocoa, and they all love me. He had all these little names for them. It was suicide by bear. Oh, yeah. I mean, you can't just hang out there with, it was, that whole movie is just, they said, like, I love when they're like, we think, they think the bear, like, the bears just thought he was basically retarded meat. Yeah. Remember when the, uh, the sheriff said that? Yeah.

He's like, well, I thought he was retarded. Yeah, I think the bears did. Just the way the film is made, it's just, there's too many times where someone says something ridiculous and there's a smash cut. I'm like, this guy's doing this on purpose. Like, he wants you to laugh. It's funny. It's got to be because he's like slapping a bear on the nose and he's like, no skittles. And then just turning around and doing the interview.

And you're just waiting for him to die, basically. I have to be a warrior. I have to, I have to let them know. I stand my ground. I love you. I love you. But I'm a warrior. I'm just going to put my tent here.

This is going to be what you'll consider a play. and I'm just going to hang out. It's a burrito. There's meat inside. His girlfriend got killed too, which is really sad. I'm surprised that, yeah, she had a girlfriend. One, he had one. And two, she was like...

She's probably surprised, too. Yeah. Is this guy going to fuck me? Is this... Yeah, like, I... I'm sure he didn't fuck her. He didn't seem like that kind of guy. He definitely had her killed.

He definitely seemed gay. It seemed like that was part of his dilemma. Like, he wanted to be an actor, and that didn't work out for him. So he started getting notoriety by being a bear expert. Right. But he wasn't really a bear expert. No, he was just an idiot who would go into the forest.

I'm here protecting these bears. Yeah, really lucky. Forest service won't protect him, you motherfuckers. I'm protecting these bears. You leave them alone. But that dude got some amazing footage. I'll tell you that. His footage was fucking incredible because he was living with them.

Yeah. So he got footage that nobody else was getting, like high resolution, close-up footage of bear fights. He became really good friends with a fox. Yeah. Foxes are fucking adorable. They're like dogs, man. Yeah. They are the closest thing to dog.

Like, playful. They play with you. They stole his hat. Like, they would come hang out with him. He could scratch their head. Well, a lot of the people who find baby foxes and then just kind of raise them because the parents left them, that's amazing. There's an Instagram page that I follow.

Bedu the Fox. Check this out. It's like a little tiny fox that this guy's raised. And it's so adorable. It's so adorable. It really is cool to see him. So this guy brings this fox with him everywhere. Look at that cute little fox.

He's so cute. Yeah, they're adorable. But he hides under stuff. He's playful. Yeah. But this guy has this fox as a pet. And, you know, and show the things where he's like cuddling with it. Like he's, look at it.

Yeah, it's just a straight-up dog. It's his little buddy, yeah. They're adorable. It's like an adorable little dog. The raccoon ones are kind of funny too when it just learns how to open the fridge Like he's got it on a leash, he's walking the fox on a leash. But he has to put on a leash because the fucker won't come back.

No. No, I'm free. He's like, this is where I belong. Yeah. He's just trying to run from the guy, but he's on a leash. Look at his face. Aw. He's the huge ears and stuff.

Incredible. That thing probably hears an owl farting a mile away. Look at his face. So fucking cute, man. Yeah, they really are. They're really cool animals Yeah and people have done this where they raise them But yeah

I think it's like it's weird face I think it's one of those things Where you have to be around them all the time You know Yeah I think if it's I guess I don't know But if it's abandoned young enough To where it's attached to you There's something there

Yeah no you definitely can raise them People have raised them And people have raised coyotes that same way too Oh yeah But you have to be around them all the time Because they're wild Yeah Like you're just tricking them

into like by constantly giving them food and attention so they feel like they don't have to do anything else that they really feel instinctual about doing like going out and killing a cat oh yeah well there's a there's a place called oswald bear ranch he's got a cat this cute little fox is like half the size of the cat he wants to play with the cat it's adorable the cat is not like a happy though no you see a cat with its tail like that that's a really pissed off cat well the cat doesn't want to want to play with its owner, let alone whatever that thing is. Well, the cat looks like it's on S, that's our eyes. Yeah, it is. Cat's fat as fuck. Yeah, it was actually a male cat does not identify that way anymore. That cat's a school shooter.

It's going to go to the pound, shoot it up. Just going to take out everybody at the pet store. Yeah. Just one after the other. The story of wolves, like how we turn wolves into dogs, is pretty fucking insane. It is amazing how we do just kind of have these like wolves in our house, but we made them cuter by design over centuries. This is my wolf poodle, which is essentially what it is.

Yeah. It's incredible. Well, and then you get them down to, like, I have a King Charles Spaniel. Yeah, what those things are. Yep. He's that big. Yeah. He's the fucking cutest thing on earth.

Yeah. If you go far enough back, that's a wolf. Oh, yeah. How did they do that? I have a King Charles Spaniel poodle. Ah. Yeah. And his name is Higgins.

As ever, King Charles Spaniel wasn't gay enough. Exactly. I had to make sure he wears bow ties, you know, like a wolfwood. Boaties. Oh, my God. Whenever he gets his haircut, they put him in a bow tie. That's adorable. And I'm just like, it's so cute, but it's also the gayest.

Oh, that's adorable. But yeah, his name is Higgins, and he's the best dog. But he's small, and I've always had big dogs, and I kind of just like the fact that he's kind of small and just really wants to sit there. He just wants to chill. He'll go for a walk, but he's not dying. to? The breed the furthest removed of physically characteristics by wolves is the Cavalier

King Charles Spaniel. Yeah, mine's called a cavapoo. That's the one I have. Yeah, I have a mix of that and a poodle. The Cavalier King Charles Spanion, one of the most popular breeds in UK and U.S. probably because of their lap dog reputation. Yeah, they're adorable dogs. Oh, I love. I love them.

But that's the furthest removed physically and characteristically from a wolf. Yeah. It has I mean, he's funny. He'll grab his toy he's got this lamb and he'll just like jump in the window with giant dogs and just start shaking it and like try to intimidate them that's and i'm like you're in a fucking little bow tie he looks so gay he's probably trying to play with them because my my dog loves to play with marshall my golden dude it's very like best friends yeah he's very playful yeah yeah because we have uh we i'm just

gonna announce all the the more dogs that i have and feel uh worse as this goes a heavanese what's that it's like a little it we don't have the long hair cut on it but you know those long hair like almost show dogs okay and it's yeah just a heavenese pure yeah oh wow but we have see the like top right corner she looks like that

so that's the other dog and she's the best and she's insane like not a dad little face yeah not the smartest dog you'll ever meet and that's one of the things I love about her well they don't have to be smart no it's like rich kids on trust funds they're not so fucking smart either yeah they are the most privileged of the dog community

Yeah. Yeah, there's no doubt about it. Most likely to be a they-them. Yes. That's all the they-thems. They're not poor kids. No, well, we're the ones cutting off their balls and spaying them. Right, that's true, too, right?

They're all trans. Yeah, they're all a little angry at us. My dogs have their balls. Oh, do they really? Always. Yeah, I don't fix my dog. See, we had already had them fixed when we got them. I had a really good vet when I first moved to L.A., and I always thought you have to fix dogs.

Yeah. Because you're like Bob Barker. Spaying new to your pets, ever? Bob Barker. Oh, yeah, because... After the end of every show. Yep. Turn your pets trans.

How about just don't be a irresponsible dog owner and let your dog have puppies that nobody wants. How about you just be a responsible dog owner and let your dog have its natural fucking hormones? Yeah. Because when you cut their balls off, they get tired.

They get depressed. They have no energy. Testosterone's gone. There's testosterone gone. Yeah, gone. What happens to people when their testosterone goes? You get depressed. Yeah.

You get depressed and you have no energy. That's the same shit that happens to your dog. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and that's why he's in a bow tie. And my vet was, he told me that. I was like, I can't believe it. He goes, look, nobody wants to hear it.

Everybody wants to tell you, spay and new to your dogs. But characteristically, like, if you look at, like, how a dog behaves, I see a change the moment they cut the... Now, look, if you have an overly aggressive dog, that's a different story. If you have a dog that, like, you probably should train. That's probably what it is. Probably needs obedience training and it probably needs a lot of attention. It probably needs a lot of exercise. But if you cut your dog's balls off, it won't be the same dog.

No. And I mean, the next dogs I have, I probably won't, you know, but it's just something that you're used to for so long. I'm like with Bob Barker, I get control of the pet population, so there's not dogs running all over the streets that have to be euthanized all the time. Yeah, that's terrible. If it's your own dog, though. But again, that's just bad dog owners. Yeah, that's what I mean. It's just like people are bad parents and their kids wind up, you know, joining a gang and shooting people up. It's a lot of the same kind of shit, man.

Well, it's the same, it's literally the same thing. I mean, when you, like, years ago they were doing articles, not to bring it back to my hometown, but like in Detroit where you would see dog gangs roving together. They take over a house and like, you know, they, I remember one house was like filled with pit bulls and stuff, but it was a black lab that was like the king's shed at this house. Really? Yeah, it was crazy. Probably the smartest one. I think it must have been that because like when, like, Rolling Stone, I think it was showed up and they were like, holy shit, it's a black lab that's in charge of like all these pit bulls. and that was like their king.

And, but to see... But probably they're good hunters. Maybe that's what it is. Because Labradors are hunting dogs. Yeah. Well, that's true. Because, like, you would see just packs of dogs going down the street when it was at its most, like, empty.

God, I heard about a lady that got killed by a pack of dogs in Georgia a few years back. Oh, they'll do it. Yeah, wild dogs. She was hiking and feral dogs attacked her. Yeah. And that's a rough way to go. That's terrible. Rough way to go.

Because there was probably a minute where she's like, oh, dogs. I doubt it. Yeah. I doubt it. No, most people do get scared. Yeah. They should. Yeah.

Especially if you're on like a mountain. If you don't know the dog, like it could be anything. Yeah, never go up to a dog the way that people tell you that you should. Put your hand out. Yep. I'm your friend. Look, I'm your buddy. It's like just stand there.

Stand your ground. Yeah. Look at it. Keep an eye and hopefully have a gun. Yeah. Hopefully you have a gun I just shot your doodle I overreacted

But yeah Those ones you can't That's a problem too Yeah Yeah But yeah When you just stand there And kind of let the dog smell you

That's what they do They just want to get to know Who you are So let them And just kind of yeah Keep an eye Don't act scared What you shouldn't do

Is run and start screaming Yeah No they like that Yeah It's fun They think it's a play Yeah They're gonna kill you

And have fun Yeah Yay Hey. We got a screamer. Boys. As if there's not enough problems in the world. You got to worry about roving packs of wild dogs taking folks out. And bears fighting in your cul-de-sac.

You don't see that. They're trying to bring bears back to certain states now. They're trying to reintroduce grizzly bears, these fucking dorks. Why do they reintroduce animals that went extinct in an area for a reason? Well, they didn't go extinct. They were made extinct. Right. Like California, California has a grizzly bear on its flag.

Right. But there's no grizzlies in California because they killed them all because they were killing all these people. Right. The last guy that got killed in California by a grizzly beer, they actually named a town after him. Really? Lavec, California. His name is it after him that was murdered by a grizzly? He was the last man in California to be killed by a grizzly bear before they killed the mall.

Are they trying to bring them back to California? Yeah, of course they are. Oh, that's smart. Look, they brought wolves back to Detroit. They brought wolves, excuse me, Detroit, Colorado. Yeah, they did that, yeah. They brought wolves to an area of Colorado that's right outside of Aspen, and people are losing their fucking minds.

Because they brought these wolves that they had captured in Oregon because they were killing cattle, and then they reintroduced them to Colorado where they wait for it, kill cattle. They've been killing cattle like crazy. They brought them out to, like, these ranching areas. And they've killed so many. cows out there man I have a buddy who has a ranch out there he sends me pictures all the time of these cows that they find just torn apart yeah like baby cows calves just ripped to shreds oh yeah well they did the same I want to say it was like near dollywood didn't they do that too

where like wolves had finally gone away in that area in the mountains where's dollywood it's near um it's in Tennessee near as wolves in Tennessee I think they tried to reintroduce him so I like maybe red wolves yeah like I took a tour through the forest Like I had to go I didn't want to go Wasn't my thing Believe it or not But I won

We went as like a family trip And you know It's terrible And somebody recognized me And that was the worst It was at like a fake Dolly Barton show Oh boy

Are you Dave Landown I'm like Oh fuck really now So But we went through the forest And they were saying That they were reintroducing Animals into that area

And it's like Why would you do that And I guess they had just taken down like a crispy cream because like bears just destroyed it well that wouldn't be reintroduction that area the bears have always been there okay but uh if they're reintroducing a wolf it has to be the red wolf okay the red wolf is endangered and it's a small wolf it's a wolf that's like maybe the size of a large coyote yeah there it is red wolves are returning to the smoky mountains there you go yeah yeah but it's like that that photo is a little deceptive when you see a red

wolf they're pretty small um like what is the average size of a red wolf google that jami yeah like that picture of the bear walking we saw that a lot just walking down like while we were there oh you're going to see a lot of bears and they'd be like 50 to 60 pounds yeah they'd be like tumbling like cubs and stuff or down the down the road that's like a red wolf it's probably you know it's a 50 pound animal okay so they're not they're not they're not a gray wolf yeah it's not Wholes are fucking scary. Terrifying. Yeah.

They're big. Yeah, I would not want to go. I don't know. That's a scary animal. Any time I've seen one, they just don't look friendly, and I don't. Well, I mean, they killed them off for a reason. The reason why, I mean, look, Little Red Riding Hood, fucking, there's all these stories with kids where they get eaten by wolves. Because wolves eat kids.

Well, yeah, it was a way to scare the kids into being aware of what was going on. It was. Bro, do you know the World War I story? No. Okay. World War I, the Germans and the Russians had a ceasefire because so many of them were getting killed by wolves, they made an agreement to have a ceasefire and kill the wolves and then go back to fighting.

Seriously? Yeah. Because they were in trench warfare, so they're in Russia, and Russia has big wolves. Yeah, huge. So what happens with animals, with warm-blooded animals, is the further north the animal goes, the largest body size is. Okay. retain heat. So if you look like a deer, like let's say a white-tailed deer, a white-tailed deer that

you see in Texas is a small deer. Like if I see a white-tailed deer generally, like I see them all the time on my way to work. A female might be like 50, 60 pounds. A male might be 100, 120 pounds. Yeah. In Saskatchewan, you might get a 300-pound white tail. Okay. They're way bigger. Yeah. Way bigger. Well, yeah. It's immense. Okay. Wolves are the same thing is they're bigger up there they're bigger animals up there like bears are bigger polar bears are huge right there's and they're nasty yeah they have to retain heat yeah so like when when you go to like northern kind of climates when you're dealing with an animal in northern climates that's going to be a bigger version of that animal so if you see a wolf in like Alberta yeah

it's going to be a bigger wolf than a wolf that you see in mexico those are smaller wolves right Because they don't have to survive in the same elements. Exactly. Yeah. It's also, there's no benefit to having a large size of your body to maintain heat. That's why moose are in the most upper north part of the country. Yeah. They're the largest of all the deer species.

Oh, that would make sense, though. Yeah. Yeah. Like elk are like larger than deer. You know, it's like, and then the elk that are the further north, like those like Montana has a giant fucking elk, Wyoming, giant elk. and that's the, you know... Yeah, when you get towards Canada, too, a lot of those places where it's just cold,

you get those massive animals. Yep, yep, yep. And what were we talking about that I brought that up? We were talking about wolves? Wolves, the red wolf being brought back to Kentucky. Yeah, so those are small because they're in like a warm climate. Yeah, that makes sense.

Yeah. It's just odd to me to think, though, when you even hear the word wolf, like we're just going to reintroduce it to this tourist area. It's like, it seems bad. Wow, it's all these people that are liberals that are, like, sweet, kind people that, like, this is Jared Polis, the governor of Colorado. It's a nice guy, he's a sweet guy. Yeah.

He just posted some really kind tweet the other day. I'm like, oh, it seems like a good guy. But, hey, don't bring wolves back to ranching areas. Because, like, you could have these idealistic utopia-based views of what you think a wolf would be like and back in the wild. But no, they're going to, they take the easiest path possible. The easiest path possible, oh, there's a bunch of animals that are stuck in a fenced-in area that I could just hop over. I'll just go kill one and eat it. And that's what they do.

And so these farmers now have to hire people 24-7 to be patrolling around their animals. So they're already operating at a very low margin, right? If you're a farmer and a rancher, you lose a bunch of cows. You're fucked. So now the state has to compensate them for depredations. So every time a wolf kills a cow, they compensate them. So it costs the state more money. Oh, so they've got to pay for the...

Yes, they have to pay for it. And then now they have depredation permits on some of these wolves because they're repeat offenders. So now they're trying to kill these wolves that they've spent millions and millions of dollars reintroducing to Colorado. And it's all silly people. It's what's called ballot box biology. Yeah. Wildlife conservationists and hunters and people that are to spend time in the woods, they hate it. They hate it because it's mostly uninformed people that think they're doing a good thing.

You're like, let's stop trophy hunting. Yeah, we have to. Yeah, we have to stop hunters. Hunters are evil. Like, no, bitch, bears are evil. They will fucking eat you asshole first in front of your kids. They don't care. Well, it's like when they put in an insect to just kill an insect that's getting out of control.

Always worked bad. Yeah, so, like, in Michigan it was like ladybugs, but all of a sudden, now there were ladybugs everywhere, and this kind could bite you. So they were some kind of beetle that was this massive problem all of a sudden. And it was to help control the fish fly problem or mayflies, people might know them as. Yeah. And there is, because you'd drive down next to the water, dude, and it just sounds like rice crispy as you drive because you're just hitting so many of these things.

But it didn't help that problem. It just created a horrible beetle problem. Yeah. And then there was something else going on in the lake, so they introduced zebra mussels. Oh, yeah. They did that out here, too. Dude, they destroyed boats. They cut up people's feet that were swimming.

Oh, yeah. They kill everything. Yeah, it backfired completely. And it's like, so you're just introducing this, like, poison into the air and into the water that you think's going to benefit this. Yeah. So they have too much vegetation on some of these lakes. So what did they do is they sterilize carp and then introduce these sterilized carp. Yeah.

Sometimes they're not sterile. And sometimes they just start breeding. And then the carp basically eat all the vegetation. And so then your entire lake looks like the bottom of a swimming pool. Right. It's gone. There's no more grass. So the fish don't know where to hide.

So it's, like, not as a fair. for them. They don't get as big. So all the bass fishermen are mad because there's no like habitat. Right. Yeah. It's all fucked up. And that's happened. Yeah, with Michigan's, we do have a lot of fishermen, bass fishermen, you know, that go out there. And you can go into pretty small

pond areas and lakes because the great lakes and still catch some stuff. But once you start messing with the habitat, it goes bad for a long time. Oh, yeah, man. Well, look at Australia. Australia has done a terrible job of introducing invasive species to combat problem animals. Oh, yeah.

And now they have feral cats that have essentially wiped out most of their ground-nesting birds and all sorts of other things. Cats are the worst, man. Little cute little house cats. Yeah. They are the worst murderers of all the animal kingdom. Well, and they think birds are a nice present for you. That's the first thing they're going to go after is just kill them. Birds and rats.

Yeah. And that's why, like, the crazy cat lady thing is a real thing, too, because they also contain parasites. And that parasite, toxoplasmosis. is it affects humans. It affects behavior. It makes you more impulsive, more aggressive. Really? Yeah, yeah.

It's a crazy parasite that is, at one point in time, half of France had toxoplasmosis. Really? Yeah, yeah, because of feral cats. It might have been half of Paris or half of France. I don't remember. But a large, in rural areas where you have a lot of feral cats. Okay, I don't know if it was like rich. There are known people that have, like, outdoor cats, and they're very irrational.

Yes. Mark Maren. Those people probably have toxo, which is why they're behaving weird. Yeah. Well, I was. Yeah, that's what's going on. It's like, I guarantee, if you test it, I might have it. I had a feral cat.

I've never had a feral cat, but I've definitely had ones that would stop by the house. I had a feral cat. A friend of mine, her and her and her boyfriend rescued a bunch of kittens that were underneath this building, and it was in Santa Monica. He said, do you want a kid? And he was so cute, and I took him in. And I actually had to stay with this cat for, like, days in one of the rooms of my house. Because, like, when I picked him up, he would purr and he'd be sweet.

As soon as I put him down, he'd hiss at me and jump and leap away. He was wild. Like claws and everything. It took forever for me to just calm him down. And then after a while, I could just come up to him and pick him up. Like, when he was a full-grown cat, he was totally my friend. But no one else. No one else could pet this cat.

You'd come over my house, he would hiss at you, like, he was ready to go to war. He was crazy. But I would go, no, dude, he was just wild. He's wild. And I'd pick him up, and he'd start purring. But he would purr, like no other cat would purr. Because when he knew that you just loved him and that you weren't going to eat him, when I'd pick him up, he just... He was so happy to be held.

He was so happy to be pet. But then as soon as I put him down, he would look at me sketchy and run away. He was just fucked up, man. My grandma had that. She was crazy, though. Like, she, like, as she got older, she had, like, this old mansion. And I don't know how she got it. But it was one of those things where, like, when you're Catholic, you just have 87 kids.

So the house was big, but now it looks huge to people. So she just had cats? But towards the end, she had a few cats and just, she would have, like, those Tom and Jerry mouse holes in the house. Like, where you would see them coming out of where they, and, dude, she would keep, like, she'd keep the spiders because they thought it was part of the, ecosystem. Oh, great. So you're looking up, like, I'd have to sleep there, and I'm just, like, staring at a brown recluse, like, shaking at the age of, like, eight. Those will fucking leave giant holes in you, man. Dude, they will kill it. My brother got bitten by one, and his leg turned into a softball, and he had to go. Oh, it's really bad. Yeah, she was nuts, dude. It gets necrotic, where it eats away the tissue. Dude, and it went like that. Like, he got bit, and by the time he got to the hospital, it just kept getting big. It went from, like, a golf ball to a softball to, like, to, like, and they had to hit them with all this, like, anti-von-em on them? It was nuts, dude. My friend Jeremy, had a hole in his thigh

where he had to stuff gauze in it because it was constantly oozing. Yeah, that's what it is. Like, they start, it starts chewing away at your skin. Yeah, it eats, it necrosis. Yeah, my brother's like a scar from it, dude. It's disgusting. Brown recloses are dangerous, man.

But she was nuts. She had like a casino in her basement that she ran. She taught us. That sounds so fun. It really was when we were kids, too. Wow. We're dealing in, like, Blackjack and playing slops. She had a casino in her basement.

Yeah, it was fun. And then she was in, she was recovering Elki. Like, she had beads everywhere. Like, I didn't know what that was then. Oh, like, 30-day beads? Yeah, and like, so then later on, well, it was, I feel like for Mardi Gras. She had all the stuff from Mar-a. So, like, later in my life, I'm like, oh, my grandma was a whore.

But I didn't realize it until later. This is a cat lady whore with a fucking casino in her basement. A cat lady. casino whore who thinks spiders are part of an ecosystem I mean she's kind of right I mean she's not wrong they would eat the mosquitoes that was her thing but you'd also have like

you're like I think it's a black widow in your garage and it's like yeah so don't go near it and I'm like you want to protect your spider like she was just nuts dude but yeah she was in recovery but then she also had an entire bar where you could just make drinks so we're like six and like looking

through like how to make some pudding of martini It's so much fun So she kept the drinks Even though she was clean Yeah she was clean yeah Wow I've done that to myself though Because if people come over

I'm like yeah whatever you want man Yeah I stop drinking And I have a full bar at my house Yeah I have a wine room It's like such a wasted room Yeah Just a room filled with bottles of wine

That now I'll never drink Yeah I have probably 10 bottles And it's if somebody wants one Yeah come on over I'll judge you Yeah like my You sit there and drink judge you you'll start acting stupid well after my like last DUI was when I got it's like 16 years ago

and I had just built a bar in my basements and it's really nice and I still really like it but like it was probably days later I got the DUI so I just like sit there and I'll just look at this bar like I could have been was that when you stopped drinking yeah it was my it was my 13th arrest it was my 13th arrest yeah what was number one uh the day I got my driver's license no yeah for real what did you do my dad had gotten a Buick regal and it was around

November because I was born in June but they wouldn't let me get my driver's license because my grades were so bad and we were having a family reunion so we had everybody at the house my dad we thought was doing a little better and we all went out to eat and I'm like hey can I borrow the car and he's like yeah

so we get home and my aunt had blocked the driveway thinking that I would probably end up taking the car and, like, her son out, who was from Arizona. Oh. And the one side of my house was the house, and then the other side was my neighbor's lawn with a small pine tree and, like, rose bushes and stuff. You just drove through that.

Yeah, I figured if I gingerly did it. It would be all right? Dude, I fucked up her lawn. We go to, I go and pick up my friends. We go down eight-mile to this place called Piccadilly where we'd have this guy named Spider-by, and he was fucking great. He was this, like, homeless dude who just was like,

He always go, I'm spider with a wha, and he'd do that. And then he was total pervert. He'd be like, he would seriously offer to like, he'd be like, I'll jack you off too. And we're like, we just want the beer. But we do appreciate it. Really, but thank you. So, like, he'd always be like, somebody's got to come in with me to pick it. And we'd be fighting if we had to get out of the car or go walk with this guy.

So we just bring the beer in. We're driving around. We start giving lawn jobs. You know, like, first we did leaf pile fires because everybody would like rake their leaves into the street. So we started doing those, you know, fun, good old fashioned arson, but usually it would stop pretty quickly. Somebody would run out with like a garden hose and, you know, it totally was innocent until the one time it wasn't. But we were driving around, we went to some parties, smoking weed, all that shit. And finally I get up on this one guy's lawn after party. He's got a

Beamer five series. And I got my regal, my dad's, which it had a V6 turbo charge, which for a Buick, it wasn't bad for 98. But I got on this dude's lawn. I see him sitting in his beamer. And for some reason in my head, I'm just like, this guy's just going to sit here and take it. So I just start giving him a lawn job.

I'm doing donuts. You can hear grass hitting his car. We get in a high-speed chase with this dude. Oh, dude, I mean, like French connection style. I swear, I hit this bump, man, four tires went off the ground because we just felt like the car popped to the ground. and we get we're just going all over the city my friends are like let's just pull over and beat the shit out of him and I'm like he could have a gun you know so I finally go down this street that has like a bifurcation where it just splits immediately like this you have to go this way this way you know and I didn't see it so I start breaking because I'm going at an oak tree so I'm breaking it and do the next thing I know the engine drops through the front of the car all the airbags come out I get cracked with an airbag and I'm on

Like, I'm not quite unconscious. I'm conscious just enough to see the BMW in my rear view drive away. And then as I'm being knocked out, I hear all my friends and my own cousin leave. Now, here's the kicker. We were having a family reunion. I didn't realize that there was a bunch of cases of beer and liquor already in the trunk and chips and stuff. So when I hit the tree, that popped open. And it looked like I drove a Super Bowl party into the fucking tree.

There was just like beer and pop and chips and shit going down the street. And finally, dude, I wake up from being unconscious and I got out of the car and there's a cop and my dad there. When you wake up? When I get up, like I had been that, dude, I got knocked out so hard by that airbag. Oh, my God. Because it just like, like, all I could smell was that like burning talcum powder kind of smell, like that awful like, I want to say eggy almost. it was just the worst smell, but everybody else was able to run.

Except me. So it looked like I just did it. So I get out and I remember I look at my dad. And my dad was not violent. He was in noun, but he was never violent. But I just look at him and I go, Dad, I'm okay. And he goes, great.

And he punched me in the face of heart that I hit the ground and was knocked out for the second time that evening. Oh, no. Dude, he cracked me harder. He gave you a second concussion? That night. And I wake up. That's not good, dad.

No, dude. No, he was pissed. I get it. Yeah, but then I wake up, and the cop's got a light on me. And I swear to God, the cop goes, he's waking up if you want to hit him again. It's the first thing I hear. Wow. And I'm like, you guys, I'm really in a lot of pain here.

And my dad, like, apologize, but he's like, look, like, what the fuck is wrong with you? He was just furious. Right. I had already been getting into dope and stuff, and he was getting pretty pissed with me. But I got. That was the rest number one. Dude, DUI, and I got six months suspended license. Wow.

I went in front of a referee is what they called it for juveniles at Colmanet Young Municipal. They gave me six months of suspended license. Did you have to talk your way out of it? Oh, out of being arrested? I mean, like, how that? No, my dad, I remember I was going to school one day and he goes, I just got the bill for the car. I was like, yeah, he goes, it's $13,980 here. And I go, I don't have that money.

He goes, just show people so they know how proud I am of you. I was like, thanks, thanks, dad. But he was furious I would imagine But he let it go after that Because we had alcoholism I just can't believe that you were doing donuts On this guy's lawn right in front of him

Oh dude we did so much shit we shouldn't have done Back then Was it just a crew you were hanging with? Yeah like it was fun Dude We all We all just Kind of wanted to be thugs

It was a little sad Well it is Detroit Yeah you want to be like you're in the suburbs Sort of like My house was in the suburbs, but you're, you're literally three minutes from the most violent part of America at the time. So you're on the border of the east side of Detroit. So it's not like you can't hear gunshots. And you know what I mean? It's like you're, you're, every drug and every party,

you're going down to raves and warehouses that are owned by like the Russian mob. Crazy shit. Oh, fuck yeah. Dude, yeah. What are you like 18? Oh, yeah, 17, 18, 16, all that, all those years, dude. 99, 2,000, huge rave culture. And then when the new mayor came in, Kwame Kilpatrick, who ended up getting arrested and put in jail and then Trump pardoned, he started the Detroit Electronic Music Festival. So he capitalized on that. Really? Yeah. Did you remember when Ford focused basically, or Ford put out the Detroit Electronic Music Festival Focus?

No. Dude, it was basically a car designed for people on ecstasy. Like, the whole thing was speakers. Really? Yeah, if you can find it. It was the Detroit, it was the Detroit, yeah, electronic music festival focus. And the car was just... So it just had a crazy sound system in it?

Yeah, because the car is a piece of shit. So the whole thing is just speakers. And that way they would do the ads, it was almost like, you go into a... Are you on E? Well, this car is great. It's got huge cup holders for your water. It's got great sound, you know. Oh, that's hilarious.

They were capitalized on it. And Hollywood did a little, because that's like when, The movie Go came out, and a lot of these movies that were almost, it's with, go is the one where they're all trying to get ecstasy in it, and it's just like Katie Holmes and all these other people who are like, some are different stars and some are, and they all kind of mix together in this one night, and they're all just going to different raves and parties. And the whole thing is about E. I'm trying to think of his name. You know him from the store, plays a bounce. in it uh Vince Vaughan no not Vince um she's not really not more of a comic he used to work with uh shimel or not um god what is his name blonde hair older dude Jimmy Schubert yes

he plays a bouncer in it yeah Jimmy's the best yeah he's great I did last comic with him and he was super cool yeah I've known Jimmy for 35 years yeah 30 no 30 years somewhere in that yeah he's a good dude and he played he played a bouncer in it yeah so yeah um where's that car did you find it I wonder how much they've scrubbed it but if it's like the Detroit Music Festival it's like 2001 article

but it's called a Ford Focus for the electronic music festival and the way they were yeah yeah they've changed it up a bit with the Ventura but yeah go with speakers right speakers interior

it was great because you'd be walking to this music festival in heart yeah see the JBL speakers that would never be used in a four focus oh that's what they had in them yeah they had like this so they had a badass sound system right and it was just this this terrible little hatchback you know car that a young person could afford with a killer sound system in case you wanted to listen to bad boy bill

or fat boy slim and you so you got arrested 13 times yeah so what was number two uh number two let me think two was an mip what's that minor in possession of alcohol oh and then that one was like a lot of them were my p's four were d uis and then yeah and then i got wow how are you still how do you still have a license um most of it was as a minor and then by the time i got my one as an adult it like it had spanned enough to where in 2009, when I got arrested my last time and I decided to get sober, they couldn't technically put me in prison. And I didn't want to go because I don't want to spend my days

getting titty-fucked by the Aryan Brotherhood. I know how I look. So I got clean. But, yeah, that one was the one that I took real seriously. So what they did was they put an alcohol tether on my leg that would monitor if I was drinking and a breathalyzer in my car. So I would, like, I'd have to blow start my car

everywhere I went, you know, and like... My friend Rob had that. It would take like three minutes before he could start his car. Dude, it sucked. And now they'd take pictures of you and stuff, but that one, it would go off as you drive. So you're like driving and like a... I remember one time a truck was jackknifing. And then it's like, br-br-br-br-so I'm trying to like dodge this truck from hitting me in

the Grand Rapids snow while blowing my car so it doesn't stop. No way. Swear to God. They're so dangerous. And I'm going around the country. I didn't know they did it. you were driving that's insane that's so they prove you're not drinking so like every 15 minutes it goes off at random but you can't time it and you have to blow into it yeah that's

why people like can't you have somebody else blow and it's like well no because you'd be like can I drink and drive and you just sit shotgun and let me but yeah you have to blow the whole time you're driving so that's what sucks about it so you have this constant thing and I was double jeopardy because I was a road comic so 2009 yeah dude I'm going into these bars and nightclubs and like hey do you have a phone jack i could use for a few minutes and they're like yeah why and i'm like um i got this ankle monitor and i got to plug it in somewhere to a phone jack so they can download to make sure i'm not drinking so i'd be in a bar dude standing next to a phone jack with my fucking ankle oh my god attached to the wall oh my god they downloaded my alcohol

how long did it take uh so it has like a modem like a bar yeah it it was it It would light, you know, so it would let you know when you were done. It would do it through the phone lines. Yeah, at that time. Wow. I'm sure there's something more high-tech now. This was 09, but you had to have a phone jack, and I'd have to call my probation officer and be like, this is the room I'm playing.

I'm in a bar. I was allowed to be in a bar, but if anybody spilled anything on me, right to jail. Oh, boy. Because, like, if I had any bit of drink. Like, I had to use Tom's everything, you know, all natural stuff because anything could have alcohol in it. Oh, wow. So, like, I couldn't touch anything on a chance that, on the off chance that it would set off my monitor.

That's crazy. You know what's really crazy? If you eat poppy seed bagels, you can get pop for heroin. Yeah, when you take a drug test for your job. Isn't that nuts? Yeah. A poppy seed bagel. Dude.

Nice delicious bagel. And you get pop for heroin. It's amazing because you have nothing else in your system but heroin. I'm a tea toddler. Yeah. What's in your tea? Yeah. What do you do?

doing with it. Yeah, they tell you. Don't eat poppy seeds. Any poppy seeds before you go in for a drug test? I wonder how long poppy seed bagel stays in your system. Oh, dude, I did a drug test too. That sucks. I never did the heroin one. I didn't need a lot of poppy seeds, but I did buy a fake dick that they caught me with. You had a urinator, a wizonator. Is that what they call it? Dude, it's called a wizzenator. Yeah. Yeah. It's a... That's hilarious. Because I thought... They caught you with the fake dick? Yeah. How'd they catch you? It was darker than me?

I'm not kidding. Oh, boy. I bought the one. I thought they'd be behind me. They weren't. No, they were right here. Because they know about the fake dicks. Yeah.

And I'm just like, I was going to squeeze these balls from some urine I bought off of a nerdy kid like R. Kelly. I got one for you. I know a guy who, to pass a steroid test. Yeah. He was clearly on steroids. He was a fighter. Yeah. he injected someone else's urine into his bladder oh god oh yeah so he got some bro-science doctor in the

fucking men's room shoving a large needle of piss into his bladder and then he pissed out somebody else's piss oh god did it work yeah oh yeah hats off i mean that's dedicated His basketball player came back pregnant when he took his drug test. Using pregnant girlfriend's urine. That's hilarious. So what are they testing him for that he's worried about other than weed? Is it weed? I'm guessing weed because if it was 2020 in Ohio, it was still illegal.

Plus, I don't think you're allowed to use it if you're on the team. But it was illegal then, so they were probably still, which it's never been, I mean, for most people, I should say. Two years suspension. Yeah, international drug tests In your prime. Is that what it was? As a naturalized player. Well, he was, I wonder what they were testing him for.

I wonder what drugs they were actually testing him for. What are they worried about finding? Yeah, because I bought, what was it called, urine luck? That didn't work. Steroids and stuff, you know. I guess, but Jesus Christ, if I'm running a professional basketball organization, I want people on steroids. I'm not testing anyone for anything else.

I want them recovering. I want them playing. better yeah the the whole steroid thing is so weird you know it's because it's just science they figured out a way to make humans perform better like so are we supposed to use some science like you can use creatine which at one point in time they used to treat creatine like it was steroids well yeah they did in the 1990s it was like you're taking creatine you're basically taking steroids well it was because of the mark mcguire uh Jose canseco thing right I think that was a little later what Wasn't it?

I remember it was part of it because they were like, they're on creatine and everybody's like, are you sure? No, they were on Anderstein Dion is what he was trying to say. But it wasn't. Yeah, he was steroids. He was on hardcore shit. Well, because he got big. McGuire went from like a farm boy to looking like one of the Looney Tunes characters from Space Jam. Like the dude was just fucking stacked.

Just a home run after home run. There's a video of McGuire hitting a home run. And as the bat is contacting the. ball you see the bend to the bat because he's so strong he's whipping the bat so hard that it's bending in the air as it contacts the ball and it's wood see if you can find that photo yeah it's ash it's like a very dense wood yeah and he's whipping it so hard the it has a bend like a bow right bow and arrow and it's connecting the ball like perfectly on the sweet spot look at that look at the fucking amount of bend in that bat that makes no sense

Well, that's somebody else, but look at the one above it. Oh, the one right there, though. That's the McGuire one I'm talking about. It's right there. That's it. That's a Ben Bet. That's it. No, right there, Jamie.

It looks like he's doing the spoon trick. Okay, whoever it is. But look at it. That's what I'm talking about. Oh, you're right. So when a guy is swinging at full clip, that's what happens to the bat, which is crazy. That is completely roids. That's him.

Oh, my God. That's nuts. Look at that bat. It looks like it's made out of rubber. That's so crazy. Imagine the fucking force. Your body has to change. generate to do that to one of those bats?

And meanwhile, Pete Rose never gets inducted. I know. Dude, I met him. I liked him. I know. That didn't make any sense. He's just gambling. It didn't hinder his play. No. I mean, there was some concern that maybe he bet against his team. That's what it was, yeah.

Yeah, he probably did. Yeah, he says he didn't. They're going to allow him in. Or he's going to be eligible, I believe. Yeah, I figured. Posthumously, though. Yeah, I figured, yeah, that's what they were going to do. Yeah, but that's what they were going to do. Yeah.

Yeah, but that's not cool. Like, he's dead. He should have done it while he's alive. No, and he's been around sitting in the MGM in Vegas signing shit for a long time. And he was a great player. Yes, he was. He's amazing. I mean, just because a guy does something like that doesn't mean he didn't do amazing things playing.

And that's what it's supposed to be all about. The guy was an all star. He was one of the greatest of all time. And he took it away from him because he likes to gamble. Yeah. Guess what? That's also probably why he was so fucking good because he was wild. It was a wild boy.

It's true. Yes. Look at Jordan. Oh, dude. DeGenerate gambler. Yeah. The greatest basketball player who ever walked the face of the fucking earth. Yes.

And like Pete Rose's dad wasn't taken out. Comes from the same place, man. It comes from the same place. Yeah, same deal. Well, yeah, because there's a part of you that wants to do risky things if you're willing to go that far. Yeah. You have to have that element in you.

So you kind of want to go like, yeah, he threw a few games with the confidence that the team would still be fine. That's kind of amazing. If he did. That's a guy chasing money. He's probably, well, the thing they said about Jordan was, is he wouldn't pay. Yeah, that's, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, there's a lot of shady shit that happened with him. Well, that was that golf hustler that beat him out of hundreds of thousands of dollars and then wrote a story about it because Jordan wouldn't pay him. Then it kind of started getting out. And then Jordan's dad got murdered. That's why, yeah. There's a lot there. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, the connection with that people may have taken out his dad over gambling debts, which is rarely talking about. You know, here's another connection that I never considered until recently. Remember when Cosby's kid got murdered? Ah, yeah. And everybody was like, oh, it's just a random crime. Maybe not, right? I don't think it was now. Well, now, now that you know what Cosby did, imagine if he did that to someone's daughter and they said, oh, well, guess what?

Because he wasn't robbed. Right. They didn't take anything. Right. He was just changing attire. Yeah. And who knows if he even was, they could have flagged him down. Exactly.

Who knows if he even was? Yeah. Or who knows if they maybe flatten his tire. Exactly. To catch him. Yeah. They know he's going to drive, flatten his tire, let him drive off a little bit, and he's eventually going to have to stop and pull over.

It seems so random to just kill someone for fun. It's rare. Yeah, very rare. And when you know what Cosby did, it makes you go, oh, maybe there's something there. And now the stuff that has come out is. So, dude, it's so dark. I heard this lady say that he might be the most prolific serial rapist in history. No one doubt it.

But you imagine how insane that is, the guy who is the, you know, Mr. Huxstable? Dude, Dr. Huxstable, the head of the fucking family and the most wholesome sitcom, everybody loved it, crossed the race barrier, made everybody think of, like, this black family who was, like, incredibly respectful and well put together, and how great is this? Dude, fresh prince, all that doesn't exist without him. Right. Yeah. Right, right, right. And he had a gynecology office in his basement, which he just slid past everybody on the show. He had a gynecology office?

Yeah, Dr. Huxville was a gynecologist. And he was a doctor, and in his basement is where he saw the women, and no one thought anything about it. Well, how about the one episode that he did about Spanish fly? Dude, and he would talk about it in his act. He has, like, old records of Spanish fly. Yeah. Where he's just talking about it, like the whole audience is like, yeah, the rape drug. That's hilarious.

Yeah. And he had a whole episode of the show about his special barbecue sauce. Yes. And everybody started making out with each other. Yes. And the grouping each other. How crazy is that? Well, did you ever see the Cosby Mysteries intro?

No. It's a pill going into a martini. And then it just says Cosby Mysteries. What? Yeah. I think he was more deviant than we actually realized and was leaving these, like, little like taunting breadcrumbs I had heard that he was doing

that kind of stuff in the 90s when I was on news radio I'd heard from people that knew him or people that knew of him yeah like that he drugs girls I was like what Bill Kazza I was like this is crazy this is crazier than Lee Harvey Oswald

acted alone right like what are you talking about yeah I heard he was like a I heard he had sex with a lot of women and I was like well okay like that it's a different thing like that's a you know I'm like whatever so he's not spotless I would I heard about it in Hollywood People knew. It was like

an inside secret. But then like when I started becoming a comic and I was doing small stuff like an ad, not the HBO Vegas festival. This is it? Look at the cause of mysteries. Oh, that's right weird. Okay but this is like his reflections in it

but this is a mystery like someone's drugging someone. Right. This was a show about this was like a cop show right? Yeah he came back out to He came back out and did a cop show Yeah How weird

It's just crazy that the first thing in it though Is a drink being drugged How weird When was the Cosby Mysteries Oh I think it was Ninety was in mid-90s How long did that last? I think the season or two

Yeah 94 Yeah it didn't last very long Wow Yeah people wanted to see him in comedies Like why you have the most loved Comedy sitcom star ever And his film's His film career wasn't great.

It was like Ghost Dad and, you know, he did it. Yeah. It was all very. Fat Albert, there was a story and I can't remember if it was Fat Albert, but what's his name? Keenan Thompson was talking about one of the first times he met Bill Cosby and he was like, you know, like, you're going to need two dicks for all the pussy you're going to get. And he was like, what the fuck? Like, he just couldn't believe it was like one of the first things Cosby had said to him. Whoa.

So it's like he, because you just meet that guy and you kind of wouldn't expect it. to switch so hard especially a guy who's who's been telling people not especially after Eddie Murphy's stories and all that stuff like you know Eddie Murphy from Raw. Yeah do and he's like tell Mr. Kossby

that Richard Pryor's that have a coconut smile and shut the fuck up. Yeah. Do the people laugh? Do you get paid? Yeah. Yeah. Be ready because when this movie comes out you're going to need two dicks because the woman going to be all over you at the sketch college called Wow. Wow. Yeah, so it was that.

Wow. And imagine saying that to somebody over Fat Albert. He's like, are you sure that one? I think when he was young that drugging people was normal. That's what I think. I think that whole Spanish fly era where people were just giving people mickeys. They're putting things in people's drinks. Quailudes?

I think people did that all the fucking time. Yeah, probably. I think it was super normal. And then I think society eventually evolved and people realized how fucking horrible. that is yeah and then he kept going oh that was his move yeah absolutely especially when he got old and ladies didn't want to fuck them they wanted a career yeah and they thought maybe bill cosby said he's going to help me with my acting yeah so you know you wake up and your panties are off you're like well what happened and a lot of them too when you see like the roles they

would get on the cosby show now you have like supermodel looking women playing a cop and it's like he would have private dinners with them you know like in his green room just little like super shady shit. Boy. Yeah. So, yeah, like, he, I guarantee you maybe him and, uh, who was it, Jordan, uh, I met him, uh, Belfour. You've probably met him too, the Wolf of Wall Street. Yeah, I'm thinking like Cosby and him may have been the last people on Earth to ever have quailudes. Like one of them. What was quailudes like? I never did quailudes. They were, I think they were extinct. Joey Diaz was a big fan. See, he's older, older to remember that. Yeah. Yeah, Yeah, because I've heard him talk about it.

Yeah. But I've never done quailudes. I think they were like, I think the last one was like 90s. Look at that. She'll do things she's never done before. Increases sexual death. I don't even think it's real. Dude, it's an ad for rape.

Yeah, that's real. But the stuff. Yeah. It says it comes from parts of a beetle. That's what they used to say. So it really works? Whether it works or not, I would say. But that's what I'm saying.

I mean, I'm sure it's real as like a product, but I don't think there's a thing that actually makes you horny. So it would give you extra, like it's like a pre-Viagra type of thing. Yeah, but that doesn't get you horny. Like Viagra is, it just increases blood flow. Someone had it when I was maybe, I don't know, in middle school somebody had that. Spanish fly? Yeah, like a bottle of something that said Spanish fly. Okay, Google this.

It does Spanish fly work. That's where I was getting, I ended up in marketing because I'd. Look at all the ads. Marketing. I don't know. Look at this love with no strings. It's a flight attendant ad. Flight attendants were fucking hot back then.

They would hire only hot flight attendants. They would fire you if you weren't. Spanish Fly movie. So just Google this for me. Does Spanish Fly actually make you aroused? Dude, if there's a movie, it was popular. Does it work? Oh, let's see.

Spanish Fly is not an aphrodisiac. It's a toxic substance called. called Carthyr, cantharidin, caridin, derived from blister beetles that can cause severe harm, including pain, burning, and internal damage. There's no evidence and increases sexual desire. Ingesting canhtaridin, can't be fatal. While it causes burning sensation in the urinary tract that can provoke an erection,

it is a dangerous side effect, not an aphrodisiac effect. So it gives you a boner while you're dying. Yeah. What would it do to women then if you're... Right. I guess knock you out and that's why they're like, she's horny, bro. Okay, so just Google this. Is there a drug that makes you horny?

Just Google that. You put it in a chat, GPT or perplexity or something. MDMA, I would, you know. But it makes you loving, right? It makes you like kind and want to hug people. I don't think it makes you sexual. But if you were rolling, I mean, and like a girl just like touched your knee in a way, you were like, I'm like, come, you know, it was just sort of, it was pretty crazy. Yeah, that's what sucked is it didn't help your libido.

No universally proven aphrodisiac drug exists that reliably increases sexual desire across all individuals. The concept of an aphrodisiac, a substance that enhances libido or sexual performance has been around for centuries, but scientific evidence is limited and often inconclusive. so some substances are marketed as that historical cultural substances foods like oysters okay chocolate okay no that stuff works um medications viagra but again these they treat erectile dysfunction by improving blood flow not by increasing desire yeah no no no i get it um hormonal treatments testosterone therapy boost libido yeah but it's it doesn't like just make you horny out of nowhere yeah i don't think there's anything like what is horny goat weed at a gas station that's just like poison right bath salts remember bath salts bath salts bath salts they used to sell at the gas station and it was basically

like some kind of like horrible drug that they snuck in by saying it was not for human consumption yeah but it was a bath salt so you throw it in the bath and then well you would consume a human because you remember when the guy ate the dude's face yeah yeah yeah that guy in florida but i always feel I got to put that through the Florida lens. It only happened in Florida. That's true. If it is Florida, you're like, there could have been other elements. There's a lot of other elements in Florida.

There's a whole lifestyle that could have led to this. A lot of choices. But Florida where that was the place where the pill mills really started popping off because the way Florida had it set up, they had these pain management centers. Yep. And then attached to the pain management centers, they'd have a doctor that would prescribe it for you. So the whole thing was just to prescribe pain. pills. So you'd go to the pain management center. Oh, my back hurts. Great. You need this. Go right

next door. And right next door, all they prescribed was pain pills. And they didn't have a database. So you would go there and then you go down the street. Oh, my back hurts. Oh, great. Here you go. And then next door. And you could just keep doing this over and over again. And then this documentary, the Oxycontin Express, showed how people were loading up the trunks of their cars with these pain pills and driving up north and into Kentucky into Ohio and that's where all these people started dying of overdoses and all people got addicted to pills. There was also one in Richmond, I want to say, right outside Richmond, a pharmaceutical company that was also largely responsible for it because I remember even being, working at a pharmacy

and going like my mom was an RN so I'd go in there. I remember the doctors, not the doctors, but like I remember companies taking out the doctors to eat or like you see like oxycotton reps or you'd sign with a pen that had a painkiller's name on it yep all that stuff i remember my wife's mom's a nurse and she would tell stories about how they the pharmaceutical drug companies would take them out to nice steak dinners and treat them really nice and just the whole thing was like make sure you push our shit it was yeah give our product to the people coming in tell people how great it is how great is our product dude they used to give a lot like i was getting my when i got my knee messed up i got hooked on

oxy uh on vikodin and i had taken lots of vikidin before but i took a prescribed amount that was just way too many for several months in a row and then when i came down it was one of the sickest times i've ever had to deal with i'm like shaking you know i'm throwing up every few minutes and this was the allowed amount i was supposed to take like how long did you for a day for two months and then and how long was like the before you became normal again oh god it I felt real bad for about four to five days. Like, for me, even when I quit smoking, like, I used to smoke three packs a day for almost 12 years. Wow.

And, but I did a lot of acid and shrooms and shit, and it was fun. You know, like, one after the other one did. It was, but it felt good, you know. So, like, yeah, I would do that. But even that, I locked myself in a room when I was living in L.A., and I just didn't leave, I didn't leave the room for a week. I just let my body deal with the pain. And then I left. So it usually takes me about that long, you know, to really detox my system.

If it's something that isn't killer, alcohol was hard. Alcohol was really hard because I had started shaking when I wouldn't drink when I was 16. Ooh, boy. So you got addicted to it early. Do it very early. So it's like a genetic thing with your family. Big time. And I didn't know about that until later, you know.

And like my dad had talked to me about it before he died. And, like, you know, he died when I was 18. and but he he finally talked to me about what was going on with the family and stuff I hadn't known and my uncle who I figured had died of a heroin overdose but my mom's like he just had a big heart and you're like did he can I just know the truth you know and it turned out it was lines of years of addiction like my dad's dad was an Irish guy left him the day he was born walked in saw my dad was a twin he had twin sister and goes I'm not raising two and walked out oh boy so then And he was the opposite dad. He was loving, coach, all that stuff. Oh, that's awesome. He turned it, but... Fucked by the government.

Oh, yeah, and then fucked by the government. He became a very... Yeah. It's crazy how that kind of addiction, addiction and mental illness is just fucking hardcore genetic. And when you have a family that has a long history of mental illness, it's very rare that you're like, I'm fine. Oh, yeah, it's very rare that you're an anomaly. Yeah, I'm fine. I guess you usually...

Maybe you're not good I just know so many people that are alcoholics Their family's an alcoholic Like guys I had a buddy that he would drink And his eyes would glaze over And it wouldn't be him anymore He'd be like oh he's gone We just gotta wait until he comes back

Because right now it's whatever the fuck happens to him When he drinks Just crazy off the rails Like didn't remember anything Full blackout Oh yeah You'd have to tell him You don't remember being on the table

With your dick out You don't remember? Yeah. He didn't remember anything? I was the guy on that side of the phone calls. See, they were like, you need to apologize to this person. Did you black out? All the time.

All the time. So you didn't remember anything? I wouldn't remember most. Sometimes I'd brown out, so I'd kind of remember what we did. There was times where I actually, I was at a party, right? And then I wake up and I'm handcuffed to a bed in a hospital getting charcoal dumped down. Oh, no. Oh, my God.

Oh, something happened. But I went from like being at a party to just being woken up with a charcoal stomach pump. And I'm like, this isn't good. Do you talk about any of this stuff on stage? I do, yeah. Oh, I'd imagine. You have to. Like what are so ripe for material.

Yeah, I put out a book, it's called Party One, a Fuzzy Memoir a little while ago, and it's all stories of my youth. Because I was trying to get it all out. And then I had to ask people, and I didn't put it out for years because I wanted to be like, hey, is it cool? wanted to be like, hey, is it cool if I, like, talk about, and everybody was, but, and a couple of my friends who were my really good friends I had to fuck with where I'm like, don't worry, I change your name from Brian to Ryan, so no one knows the thing. A little shit like that. But, yeah, I talk about a lot of this on stage, because, dude, I got institutionalized.

I got, like, yeah, it was all, like, crazy. How'd you get institutionalized? The story I talk about in the book is what happened the night before, not the book, but on stage, because I have to kind of sum it up. I actually did it on This is Not Happening, Ari's Show. And what happened was, was I used to, like, bong pints and fifths for, like, a party trick. And I could carry around a case of beer and, you know, drink that in the night. And mind you, I'm 5, 6, but then I'm in high school.

I probably weighed 140 pounds, dude. Like, I was, and if I wasn't on LSD and I wasn't on mushrooms and I wasn't on K, I was drunk. Wow. So I would switch it all up. and the night before I had bonged a fifth at a party. What do you mean about bonged? You know the beer bongs that you use that have like the funnel and go through? So my friend Anthony pulled out this beer bong and my friend Nick poured an entire fifth of absolute vodka.

And Nick's like, dude, don't do this. You just drank the whole thing? Well, they put in a cap full of sprite. Then I drank the whole thing. And dude, I guess I say this in the story because this is what I was told happened. I was tab dancing. I told my girlfriend who I love that she had orangutang titties

and then and then I fell through a table a glass table oh no and then yeah I ended up getting taken home by the cops I don't know exactly what happened but my mom ended up calling the police

which is you know like she didn't know what to do I was doing something and they arrested me and I was institutionalized for two weeks and I stayed with a kid who thought he was a werewolf So you had to go to a mental health institution?

I went to a mental health institution because they weren't, they didn't realize it was an addiction. They just arrested me because my behavior was so erratic. And I remember getting there and I met my, and I'm not kidding, I met my roommate who was, he was a, he was a werewolf. That's what he believed. And I'm like, I don't want to, I don't want to stay with him. And they're like, well, he's not really a werewolf. I'm like, yeah, I know. What happens when the moon turns full?

Well, he attacked me. Oh, boy. Yeah. So, and they hit you, what they do is they grab a tank, a tank. trank it's called booty juice and they hit you in the butt with it and like the guards will fight you off but after two weeks they're like he's not it's not so much that he's got mental illness which he does but he's an alcoholic he's a severe alcoholic and then you're roommate the werewolf yeah he attacked you when the moon turned white yeah one night he just started

howling and I don't even think wolves howl and he was way bigger than me you don't think wolves Hell, what do you mean? Werewolves. They do. Yeah. American werewolf in London. Oh, but he was barking too. And the...

Patients say sedative known as booty juice injected against their will. Yeah. Growing number of children and teenagers admitted voluntarily to North Texas for-profit psychiatric hospitals told WFAA they've been injected with powerful sedative drugs without their parents' knowledge. Booty juice. Yeah, which that kid deserved it. They shouldn't have call the parents and go, hey, your wolf boy is...

fucking naked trying to eat a guy. Was he naked when he attacked him? Yeah, he ripped those clothes off because he thought he was a werewolf, dude. Tell me what that was this like. Well, he's jumping on top of me, and I grabbed a lamp to hit him with it, but it was fucking glued down because it's a mental hospital. So that just kind of made me open my arms to him. And he's on top trying to bite me, and I'm like holding him back.

And that's when they came in and they ran at him. They hit him with the syringe. They pulled him off me. And I'm just sitting there like, I don't want to be here. Like I'll never drink again, you know, like basically. crying like a bitch like and you know i'll never drink again was like my catchphrase through the 90s so they pull him out of there and then you know and then eventually they they sent me off to a rehab where i spent uh i think i spent 45 days there and i heard it's not there anymore which

is a shame because a lot of kids do need that now and i heard they took it down like it's no longer there and and i went there and and the second i got out i didn't drink i didn't drink for like a month But the second I got in my friend's car, I hit a joint. And I'm not saying that that's bad, but it's like, dude, the second I was, I was, they're like, you can't drink, right? And I'm like, yeah, like, but you can smoke weed. I'm like, yeah. So I immediately hit a joint. Oh my God, Dave.

Yeah. Jesus Christ. And that's what my- It's kind of amazing that you're here. Dude, yeah, I got a lot of shit, like. You look great, though. Thank you. Like for a guy who's gone through as much shit as you?

Yeah, like three packs a day. alcohol, acid. Dude, so much acid. D-U-I's. Falls through the table. Look at you fine. You know what? You know what is interesting, though?

All the drugs now, because like I told you, I was real, like, kind of depressed kid. And all of the drugs that I did to treat depression are now used to treat depression. Mushrooms, ketamine, all that shit, dude. Right. Like, I spent five years in high school when it turns out I was completely accurate

with my studies of how these drugs would help me. You were self-medicating And I was accurate with it Yeah I would do K and I'd just be sitting there In a K hole in class Just think the desk is moving Jesus, dude

And acid was the most fun to do in class Because your teacher's face is melting And you're just sitting there like It's so much fun Wow But I was a mess But at the same time So many of my friends were too

It wasn't like just me Right so it felt normal Yeah Like I mean I was the worst of them And technically slowest because I was arrested more than anybody. So you were the most fun. What did you think you were going to do for a living back then?

The only thing I ever loved was acting in comedy. Oh, okay. My dad would wake me up when I was a kid to watch S&L. And, like, he wasn't something that him and my brother, they'd watch, like, baseball and stuff. But we'd watch SNL together. We would watch, like, old movies with, like, John Candy, Steve Martin, like, all those people.

And then he introduced me to stand up. And my dad bought me, um, uh, He bought me Kinnison, Carlin. He bought me Carlin, Classic Gold on tape when I was nine. Wow. Which had seven dirty words and all that. He bought me Dangerfield, buttoned down mine to Bob Newhart, Eddie Murphy. He showed me delirious when I was like eight.

Wow. And I, dude, I still laughed so hard because that, like, the whole bit he does about the hamburger was so relevant then. Like, I got McDonald's at home, and he's like, you can't have none. You on the welfare. And I knew what that meant then. And I was crying, laughing, because I loved Eddie Murphy, you know. So he introduced me to comedy, and the only thing I had any interest in was that. And one day, Second City opened up in Detroit.

And I was pissing this teacher off somewhat, and she stopped me after class. And she goes, do you know what Second City is? And I go, yeah, my dad's told me about it. It's like where all these SNL people came from. And she's like, yeah, you're actually really funny, but you're a fucking pain in the ass. my class. And I was like, okay. That's a cool teacher. It really was. And she goes, she goes, you should consider

taking classes there. And I said, Wow. Okay. So after my fifth year, the first thing I did was I listened to her and my dad, and I signed up for Second City, and dude years later, I'm doing improv on stage with this group, Motor City Improv. And like, it's more bar-prove. You're just fucking around, you know? But one of the guys in the group was,

hey, my wife's going to come, too, and it was my teacher. And I got to do improv with her years later. Wow. And it was really cool, man. Because, like, she, it was the first time somebody didn't scold me. They stopped me to go, like, you genuinely have something, and you're not just this waste. Right. And no one had ever, besides my parents, but nobody else had ever said that before.

Well, that's so cool that she was already in that world, so she understood. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We were actually just having a conversation about that last night in the green room. Not last night, night before. And we were talking about times in your life. that someone could have just told you, this is behavior like a stand-up comedian.

Like, that's a real job. Yeah. You know how you know you like fixing cars and you could be a mechanic? You know how you like talking shit? You're funny. Everybody laughs. This is a job.

Like, just, but everybody just tells you you're a fucking loser and you're never going to mount to anything and get out of my class. And that's, and I was very lucky. Like, my parents, my dad had, was just about to pass when I told him, I think I'm going to do Second City and then take this film class up

in Lansing, Michigan, which is what I did. I did film and I did that, and I would go back and forth. And he was like, you should. Like, that's what you've always wanted to do. Like, I had a camera in my hand since I was a kid. Like, my parents never wanted me to have a backup plan. They were like, find something you love. Like, that's great, you know, and we're really only torn apart as a family because of

what we experienced, you know, from my dad just being screwed. Yeah. So, we were, if I think if I had even a more direct line, I may have gotten there sooner, you know, but I was, I was angry and depressed and pissed off. Sure. You know, my whole attitude was fuck, you fuck the system. Yeah. So when I finally found that outlet, it was wonderful, dude, especially when you're writing sketches and watching them come to life and you're ripping on the people that have fucked you over and, like, there's such a good feeling about that. Yeah.

And a lot of people that I met have gone on to do great things. I was in a troop with Sam Richardson who went on to do Detroiters and, you know, there's Tim Robinson who I didn't know him well or anything, but we did improv a couple times and it's cool to see him like skyrocket with I think you should leave

and all these other stuff and Keegan Michael Key was somebody that was out of the Detroit chapter. So there's like some really cool people that ended up coming out of there. What was the stand-up scene like? What was the big club? The big club was Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle.

Okay, I heard of that place. Yeah, and I started with... Dude, it's unbelievable. And he was the guy who you wanted to do stand-up in front of because he was there every night tearing tickets. Like, he was, dude, he was a part of it from the late 70s until he had a heart attack, maybe around 2010. His son, Ryan Ridley, was the head writer of Rick and Morty.

Oh, wow. So he, dude, he's a great dude. And you just had my Costa on. Yes. Mike was in my group when I started. Oh, no kidding. Yeah, he was one of the people that I started with. Wow.

And then a guy named Matt McClower, he's actually featuring for me this weekend. who's unbelievably funny dude At the mothership? Yeah Oh nice He's got Asperger's Adam knows him And dude he's funny Yeah yeah

If any luck he'll think he's a lady Well he doesn't think he's a werewolf But yeah dude he's he's a beast And like we had a pretty cool group When we started where we weren't kissing each other's ass We were all just trying to figure it out Oh that's great So we would like criticize each other

And like we've all done pretty well Considering like where people have gone off to You know at least in the sense of making making money and making a living you know making making people laugh like and that's awesome we were lucky because there was like 10 different clubs in Detroit where you could go like okay I'll go do Ridley's in the suburbs but then I can go do a super urban room you know in the city and I can get used to that audience then I can go to Ann Arbor and I can be in a bunch of in front of liberals at the showcase or at the Heidelberg project and then I can go you know so you could go all over and you could experience every kind of audience you could ever be in front of it and 10 different places in a week. That's awesome. It was really cool. That's awesome.

Well, listen, dude, this was a lot of fun. Thank you. I really liked talking to you, man. I'm glad you're alive. Thank you. Listen to your stories. It's kind of a miracle that you made it this far, but you're a good dude, and it's always fun to have you at the club.

It's been a lot of fun. Thank you. And I'm excited to see you this weekend. I appreciate it, Joe. Thank you very much. My pleasure, brother. Tell everybody how they could find you, all your stuff online. Oh, you can go to Dave Landau.com.

I have everything on there. You can check out tour dates and everything. And also, yeah, I guess I would sort of read up my book, Party of One, a Fuzzy Memoir. It did really well on Amazon. Nice. And, yeah, it's a lot of people have enjoyed it. And a lot of the stories will be much funnier to you

than they were for me to live. So I have enjoyed it. All right. Beautiful. All right. Thanks, brother. Thank you. Bye, everybody.

Thank you.