The Joe Rogan Experience - #2377 - Carrot Top

Episode Date: September 10, 2025

Scott "Carrot Top" Thompson is a trailblazing comedian, television personality, and actor celebrating 16 years of residency at the Las Vegas Luxor Hotel and Casino.  www.carrottop.com www.youtube.com/@CarrotTopLive Don’t miss out on all the action - Download the DraftKings app today! Sign-up at https://dkng.co/rogan or with my promo code ROGAN. GAMBLING PROBLEM? CALL 1-800-GAMBLER, [phone] or visit gamblinghelplinema.org (MA). Call 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY). Please Gamble Responsibly. 888-789-7777/visit ccpg.org (CT), or visit www.mdgamblinghelp.org (MD). 21+ and present in most states. (18+ DC/KY/NH/WY). Void in ONT/OR/NH. Eligibility restrictions apply. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino & Resort (KS). Fees may apply in IL. 1 per new customer. $5+ first-time bet req. Max. $200 issued as non-withdrawable Bonus Bets that expire in 7 days (168 hours). Stake removed from payout. Terms: sportsbook.draftkings.com/promos. Ends 9/29/25 at 11:59 PM ET. Sponsored by DK. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Joe Rogan podcast, check it out. The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. Hey, what's that? How right, I mean. Good to see him, man. Thanks for having to have you back. Very, very good.

It's very funny. You brought a box of your stuff, and one of them immediately started going off like it's an alarm. What is that? That's hell, isn't it? It was a, it's a commercial that runs for a late night. Viagra Cialis and says Hey we'll send you your Cialis in Viagra And unmarked white envelopes

And I would say fuck that I don't I want just the opposite I want my neighbors to know I'm getting laid I want my neighbors to know I have a dick A hard A hard dick so it's got sirens and whistles My dick's hard My dick is yeah

And that's you know It's exciting engineering We were just talking about you the other night At the comedy club We were like he owns props Like you can't do props now When I was a kid When I first started doing stand up

And I'm sure you too there were prop comics. Sure. There was a bunch of guys. Yeah, the WID. The WID. Yeah, there was quite a few guys that were really good. They were a prop comp.

But you became so successful as a prop comic, you kind of stole the market. Oh. There's no young comics coming up. Nobody wants to be a Kara Tom, I think. I think that's it. I think that's what it is. Like, you know what shit I still get. Well, you got shit for a long time.

I don't think you get shit anymore. No, not as much. No. But you still get the aftermath of it, like just on the plane today. I don't care what it. No, what are you doing? I said, oh, man, I don't care what everybody else says? You're funny.

I'm like, well, who's everybody else? Yeah, well, they get that, I get that a lot. You know, all the people that, you know, hey, I personally think you're funny, that kind of stuff. Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm one of the rare. Yeah. I'm one of the rare ones that thinks you're good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, I can't, you know, I had to beg my mom to come.

She didn't not want to come. Yeah, it's such a weird thing. We did a lot of that, right? Well, we talked about that the last time. Like, I think you took way too much shit from comedians. I never understood it. I, the weird thing the comedians do, or they hate on other

comedians, like, good Lord, we live in a world that is filled with war and famine and disease and pollution and garbage and chaos and corruption. And you want to concentrate on a prop comic? Is that really

what the problem is in this world? Right. Isn't that true? Yeah, and it's almost always comics that are doing better than you. Yes. I think we tried breaking it down last time as to why and I think it was only because I think one I did get successful and it wasn't quick quick but it was quicker than maybe most and I you know because I hit the scene right at the right time I had the act that was you know it was a good act perfect for television right because it's visuals it's yeah and it's it's it I got a little success and I think

people were like you know why they would ask Jay you know what do you why do you have carrot top on like every month and Jane would like you know you bring the gun you He did the time. He did the time. He did the son. But I do remember the comedy, the evening at the improv, and I, you know, I played mostly that and the other one laugh at the cheesecake factory, what it was. And then the comedy store was more, admits he loved me, but I never really played there a lot. So Bud loved me. One night he, he, I came in, I said, you know, I had my back back. Bud Friedman from the improv. Improv, sorry. Yeah. And I had my box of stuff.

And he always loved me. You know, he says, oh, man, you know, there's no spots tonight. And I said, I'm, well, I drug it all the way, you know, fuck. And he's like, let me, let me, I'll see if I get you in somewhere. So the Tonight Show, bookers were there that night. They were the Jim McCauley and these people were there to pick, watch comics and pick them for the Tonight Show. So he's like, hey, you know what? I'm going to slide you in.

They're going to love you. So I go up and I had the best set ever. I've ever had. It was just a magical night and I don't know if I was just, I knew they were there. Every comic was coming and going, Jesus, dude, fuck. I mean, leveled it, right? And Jim McColley walks up and he says, that was amazing. And I said, oh, thanks.

I say, you booked the Tonight Show. You think that maybe I could get on? And he said, not a chance in hell. And I was like, I had just killed. I go, why? He says, you're not, you're, you're, Johnny would never book you. I said, why? I said, you book, you booked the show, right? Because he would never, he would never allow it. I said, why?

Johnny Carson. Yeah, I said, why? He says, he hates variety. What a weird thing to hate. And I stopped in the middle of my, and I'm like, the whole fucking tonight shows variety. Yeah. Karnak, throwing the hatchets, every fucking thing they do. Right.

Ed McMahon's a fucking prop, right? The whole thing is, they bring on animals. Animals. You think I'm kidding, right? So I'm like, well, okay. And then finally, I mean, I'm talking like, Two weeks after Johnny left, I was on with Jay. And it was just like, literally.

But the weird part about it was that still was the same studio. You know, they had the blue, you know, the gold star. So you're standing right where Johnny was. And the same, like, Ed de Cordova was still in the booth. And everyone was still, like, there. Yeah. So you felt like it was the Tonight Show. But how weird is that?

Like, you know, don't like variety. And then I would get, you know, singled out because I would do Leno so many times. I'd ask if I could do lettering. They said, no, you're, you're, you're, your team Leno. I'm like, it's like that Twilight movie. I'm a team fucking whatever. There's two teams. Thank God that doesn't exist in podcast.

That's disgusting fucking thing where if you were on one person's side, you're the enemy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Team Leno. How stupid is that? That's what I was, I guess. Well, it was such famine thinking back then because, you know, there was only a certain amount of shows. Now, you know, it's not a way of shows on there. I never thought it was a wig.

Is that thing on straight? Isn't it weird that women can wear wigs? No problem at all. A man wears a wig. It's pretty pathetic. Oh, yeah, you're a loser. Yeah, a man with a hairpiece. Nice hair pieced.

Yeah. Or implants. You know, when I lived in L.A. This is true. I lived in L. I'd go to Gold's Gym. And my hair was even more out of control. I had big ass hair.

Yeah, you had a giant fro at one point in time. And these ladies were behind me and they're like, oh, my God, look at that woman's arms, right? Seriously, yeah, makeup and into the whole nine yards. And they were just amazed, and they came over there and said, how do you get your arms that big? And I turned around, I said, I don't know, you know, armwork. And she's like, oh, and I could see their face turn. Like, oh, it's a dude.

But I was kind of, you know, pretty that. You know, it's like, you know, the younger, a lot of hair and makeup. And then that same gym one day, I'm working out. This guy says, nice arms. And I said, thanks. He's like, who did the work, right? And I thought he's making, I said, I didn't, I put him the fucking work. You know, like, who works out for me?

He's like, no, no, no. I mean, implants, right? I'm like, only in L.A. Would you have someone in a gym walk and say, oh, yeah, implants? Yeah, I have implants. You fucking go to the gym and you do. At the gym, lifting out, assuming that someone has implants is pretty wild. But I don't have that big of, I mean, this guy thought, you know.

Well, that's how grows L.A. is. Yeah, it is. That's like the default assumption is that everything's fake. Yeah, no matter what. Where'd you get your butt? Who did your butt? Who did your butt? Where'd you get your nose done?

Yeah, it's always something. No, it's true. No one wants to believe. Who does your plugs? Yeah, no one wants to believe that you're natural. Another thing I got to, weird, I just had a guy on today at the airport. He said, hey, you're still working out? And I'm like, you're supposed to say, I see you're still working out, right?

You don't ask him if you're still working out. That means you don't look like you're working out. Well, I think he's probably just trying to start a conversation with you. Yeah. No idea. I said, you mean, you mean, I see you're still, and he goes, yeah, what did I say? I said, you said, do you still work out? Yeah, and what's the answer to that?

You just say, yes? I say, no, no, I'm, I'm done, yeah. No, I said, I'm not feeling well, yeah. I'm dying. I'm dying, yeah. Oh, you didn't hear? Like, well. Yeah, it's radiation poisoning.

Yeah. Something happened, one of my toys. I always say you lift light. I hate that, too. I'm in the gym and like, you always lift light. What was I in? I don't, I guess it means I don't, I don't, I don't. I don't lift. I don't, I do weights. I don't do heavy weights. I don't have spotters. I just do cables and do some dumbbells. But people always do it. You always work light. I'm like, fuck. I'm heavy for me. People are silly. There's a lot of people that just don't know what to say. You know, they meet someone famously. They don't know. They don't know what to say. They don't know what to say. And then they afterwards, they probably leave and go, why the fuck did I say that? Jesus Christ, I feel so stupid. I've done that before. Meet famous people act like an idiot.

I'm like, what, shit. So I was trying to give people a little grace. I'm so true of that. If I see celebrity, I'm like, I'm not going to, I'm going to fuck it out, really, right? Do you get a lot of people coming to your shows that are famous? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We have a guy last night. We had a guy here, Chris Jericho was at the show this night.

He said, inside you. The wrestler? Oh, cool. Real nice guy. The new Mitsubishi Outlander brings out another side of you. Your regular side listens to classical music. Your adventurous side rocks out with the dynamic sound Yamaha. Regular U owns a library card.

Adventurist U owns the road with super all-wheel control. Regular side, alone time. Adventurous side journeys together with third row seating. The new outlander. Bring out your adventurous side. Mitsubishi Motors. Drive your ambition. Long bendy Twizzlers candy keeps the fun going.

Keep the fun. Going. Twizzlers. Keep the fun going. You've been at the Luxor for how long, though? 19, coming up on 20. That's crazy. Yeah, November 20.

You probably have the longest residency of anybody in Vegas. I think they were just talking, but they don't count because one only talks. So They've been there forever They've been there forever Yeah I remember I saw them there in 94 94 98 98

I saw them there in 98 Yeah they're still At the Rio back when the Rio was nice Yeah right now it's like You gotta wear a bulletproof vest They should just light it up shahole It's a weird place It's weird how some of those places

They just fall off They just get tired And they don't want to go there anymore But then if they last long enough then they become like circus circus where they're fine right right it's fun to go there no it is and and then luxur they just did a whole big revamp on it and nice it's it's it's a beautiful hotel every time i walk in it's just it's spectacular to see the how they made that well i'm obsessed by egypt so for me it's like i wish i the lugsor was the best hotel i'd stay there every time

because it's you know it's a fucking giant pyramid we actually did a fear factor stunt oh yeah for you for you we did a fear factor stunt where people had to slide down the luxor once Oh, wow. Yeah, they'd have, like, grab flags on the way down. They'd slide down. See, I'm not doing that. Yeah, it was pretty crazy. Pretty ridiculous back in the day.

That is crazy. Yeah. 20 fucking years, man. That's a long-ass time to be doing a residency. So before that, you were doing colleges and you were touring and, you know, do you miss any of that? You do a little touring every now. We do a little touring down at then, but it's only when I get the off time. If I get a week off, like I'm here, I could be home in my boat, but I'm here.

Right. I do road shows, but, you know, you can't all, you've got to take a break here and there because you can't kill yourself. But I like the, you know, I like the touring. I like the bus. You feel like a rock star, you know, you pull up on a bus, and you've got the big venue, and there's a sound check, and there's people. We have the deluxe, but not like, you know, people hanging out by the bus, you know.

I get people like, hey, you fuck my mom. I'm like, great. Remember? You know you're getting old. Eighty-four? Remember that? You used to remember. Remember we fuck me? Now, hey, you fuck my mom. Pretty soon'll be.

You know, it'll be something. It'll be something. When, uh... Wait, his grandpa blew me. Your grandpa blew me. Let's get this straight. Your grandpa's a liar. Yeah.

First of all, your grandpa's a liar. He's dead. I'm sorry. On his deathbed. You know, carrot top, blooming one. Thank God he's dead. You can't sound anybody. The one thing that's good about not touring, though,

Like, because I mostly just work my club now, is I never feel tired. I, like, the traveling tiredness is horrible. You realize how bad it is to be flying all the time. That is one great advantage of having the show every night at the Luxor because I leave my house. Yeah, sleep in your own bed. Oh, yeah. I'm home by 10, 30, 11 in the latest. That is a huge plus.

That's a huge plus. Yep, because the road is. It can tear you up. But like I said, there's ups and pluses and minuses of it. It's fun. rock you're rock band you know there's pluses and minuses but for me um i mean this is the first time in my life where i haven't toured yeah the last few years last three four years yeah it's nice well i guess four three years ago i was touring still like two years the last two years i've just

since the club opened i just stopped and it's been amazing i love it perfect you know all my friends are doing arenas they send me pictures yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i don't want to get out there i'll probably will once I make a new hour because right now I'm at like 40 something minutes once I get a full new hour I'll probably do some some tour dates just for the fuck of it but yeah but being at home has giant advantages it's you don't realize like how much you're destroying your body until you stop doing it you know oh it's yeah yeah they having the show is nice for that reason too I mean you can you have a normal day you know I had a dog for a bit you can take a dog and then go

to work and come home, you're, you know, watching Sports Center at 10.30 and bed by 11. Do you feel weird living in Vegas? Vegas is an odd place. It's like you have to find... Well, I live in the, you know, in the Somerland area where it's like normal, yeah, so it's a normal, suburban. But then you go to work inside the devil's balls. Then I go inside the devil's balls. It's a good way to put it. And, yeah, and then I leave that down the shaft back to, back to Summerlin. It spits right out the tip. You know, I had the tip in the summer, like, whew, we're home. That was hell.

Yeah. I mean, I find it funny. There's a college there and a big college, you know, UNLV. I find that funny because you imagine asking your parents, like, hey, I want to go to college and like, oh, right on, where are you going to go? Michigan, Iowa, you're like, I'm thinking about Vegas. It's good to college. You're fucking not going to Vegas for college. My buddy Sam Tripley went there.

Yeah? Yeah. I mean, it's a good college, I'm just saying, you know, for the joke purposes. Well, it seems like Vegas has become more of a community now, right? They have the Raiders now. Are they getting a major league? The Golden Knights. Yeah.

What's the Golden Knights? What are they? The hockey. Hockey. Right, that's right. They've got a hockey team now. Always have fights. Oh, yeah.

Almost every weekend. Oh, yeah, right. Some kind of boxing or UFC event or something. And they're talking of building the baseball stadium, I think. I heard. Yeah. That's nice. What's going to be the Vegas A's?

That's going to be weird. I guess, yeah, I don't know. Is it the Vegas Raiders? Is that what they call themselves? Yeah, Las Vegas Raiders. That's weird. Yeah. Everyone, even the commentators, like,

and Oakland, you can't say Oakland Raiders, you can't, you know, it takes a long time. Wasn't the LA Raiders? People still say Washington Redskins, you know, just every Christopher Collinsworth last week. You know, the Redskins. What do they call themselves now, the Redskins? The commanders. Hmm.

And you're talking, this is pretty good. I'm like a sports guy. I know this stuff, yeah. Yeah. Commanders. Yeah, Renskidskids is a weird one. Washington commanders. That one's problematic.

Yeah. You know. Well, there's a lot of them, I guess that, though. It was something, there's some articles someone did. It was really great. It broke down everything that could be. Like the Braves, the thing, the chiefs, they went through all these different things. We'd have to get rid of everything.

How about Notre Dame? The only thing left was like the dolphins. Right. But you can't, you know, it's a dolphin. You can't hurt a dolphin. Yeah, but then there's dolphins in captivity. Right. It's kind of gross that you're capitalizing on dolphins in captivity.

Right. There was a lot of people that were. upset about the Notre Dame using the fighting Irish, using that little leprechaun guy? Yeah, right, right. Yeah. I think they're going to have a problem with everything. I mean, you know, Jesus, Louise. Yep.

That's all it is. You ever get protested? No. No. No, she's shocked. No, I haven't, but I thought, I had a nightmare one not that I did. Like, you know, it would just be people outside of the Luxor are just mad about something. No, but I've thought about that because I know people.

Have you been? Have you been? Oh, yeah. See, that's so strange. Yeah, what is that? Just a bunch of people, like, mad about something. It's always something, you know. It's always something, you know, it's whatever it is.

People just get upset. It's always a small group of people because it's actually organized by actual humans versus like these crowdfunded ones where like they show up on tour buses and they all have professionally made signs and they hand them to and they're all getting paid protest. That's a weird thing that they're doing. That's a weird thing that they're doing today. That didn't exist when I was a kid, like paid protesters. I don't think so.

I was watching a documentary on it on YouTube the other day that was, they followed this woman who is a professional paid protester, and she goes from free Palestine to this, to that, she's been doing it for years. She goes from one protest to the next. That's her job. That's her job, yeah, and she makes X amount $100 a day, and they fly around. Fuck, stays at the Four Seasons. Maybe I'll start doing this.

I think that kind of should be illegal. Yeah, kind of. Yeah, because it's kind of a lie. It's kind of fraud. It's beyond fraud. Yeah. And whoever's funding it is, right? Yeah.

Who's paying them? It's usually NGOs, non-government organizations that get taxpayer money, unfortunately. But it's a weird thing where you're pretending that these people are outraged when they really just want a sandwich. Right, right. You see them all the time in the news. Yeah, and people don't know the real, right? They don't know that they're not real. No, but until someone points out like you just did,

and then they get exposed, and then people like, no. You're just, you're just listening to the hype of the, what do you call the, you know, the, what do you call it? When they say something, you know. Propaganda? The other one was like, oh, it's just, you know, the world's flat and that kind of, the conspiracy theories. Oh, yeah. So I love those because I, you know, with my dad working at NASA, I would always answer, ask people like, what do you think? What'd your dad do at NASA?

He was an engineer. He trained the astronauts in the simulators. Was he involved in faking the moon landing? Did you ask him? Nice. Yes. Yes. I wish my dad was alive. He'd punch you right now.

Oh, yeah. I'm hard to punch. I slip. I move. Yeah. No, because we had a, we had a, we just had a discussion backstage. Oh, God, dang, a couple days ago. I don't know what.

Something had, something happened about a flag or stuff. It was something about a flag. The flag waving on the moon? No, it was something about a flag, like burning flag, something. And I said, my friend said, that's an interesting question. I wonder if the flag is still on the moon. And I said, that's a great question. Like, it's one of those you had to break it down, right?

Yeah. So I'd say, well, my dad would know, and I guess I'm not the brightest guy, but I would do like an engineer and would break it down. Well, there's not, you know, there's no wind on the moon. I mean, there might be cosmic of something wind up there, but it's not, right? And there's nothing that's going to do. deteriorate the flag, so it's probably still there. Unless it got hit by

micrometeorized. Or something like that. Other than that, it would be right. Because there's no atmosphere in the moon, so it's a very, very thin atmosphere. So it gets pelted all the time. Right, right. That's what it's covered in. The only thing that would probably right, but it's, unless how deep the fucker put it. But my dad trained him to drive that little

lunar rover. Oh. And so the joke I was going to put in the show, I said, you know, NASA can now, they're good, they can zoom in. And look at so here's the NASA, zoom in on them. They'd on the moon, you see the flag. See, I told you, the fucking moon's still there. And then we pan over, and there's the Land Rover,

but it's up on blocks, and they've looted it and taken all the wheels off of it. I said, see, the fucking thing, they've already stole it. They've already tearing. They did take photos. I think it was India. Was it India or China?

One of the satellites that they had hovering the moon took appropriately blurry ambiguous photos of what they claim was the landing site like where the lunar module was and where the buggy is and footprints. That would be the punchline at the end of course it's still there in some soundstage in LA you know

I think the soundstage is probably in Vegas I think it was out in the desert. It might be near Summerland and it might be near my house. Could be. I think it's out where they do like UFO back engineering. Yeah, maybe. That's another weird thing. You're right where the Luxor is, is right across the street

from where those guys take off to go to work at Area 51. My brother flew those. Really? Whoa. Here's the crazy thing, not probably, you know, my brother was Air Force, and so he retired Air Force, F-16 fighter jet pilot. And now he, for about three years, he flew those red-striped planes.

And the weird thing is I'm in the Luxor, when I first got the gig, and I was in my room, was at the top of the, not on the light. That'd be a horrible room to be in. People are like, is your room with the light on it? Yeah, my room was with the light in it. For people that don't know, there's a giant spot light that they actually had a toned down. Yeah.

Because it was interfering with flights. It was indeed. There's three things you can see from outer space, by the way, the Great Wall of China, the Luxor Light, and Mycock. Thank you. I'm here all week. Try the wings. I'm actually here all week, all week. So

I'm looking out the window Every morning I would look out And I'd see the planes And I didn't know I thought they were Some private guy You know There's a big billionaire

That has all these jets out there They were blue So I thought oh this is another billion of red jets And so then There's four channels on my TV It was like when I was a kid right And the Luxor was just the Luxor channel And then the you know

So the Luxor channel We had on a loop every day This goddamn thing about the red Strike planes And this is real right so i'm watching it and they're like no one in the world knows where these red stripe planes are they fly out of a a secret location i swear to god in the west and i'm like i'm looking at my window like they're fucking right there and it's serious like no one knows for years people

are trying to discover where the red planes fly in and out of and i'm like this is a joke so i called my brother and i said you know this thing says that you're you're like top secret you don't fly anywhere. Yeah, I don't know what I were talking about. You know, my brother can't tell me. He wouldn't tell me. I just thought that was so crazy. I'm like, there's a whole show saying there's no red planes and there's a mystery to if you could find them. And I'm like, everybody knows where they are. Just I can zoom in and take a picture of it. That's ridiculous. Everybody literally knows where they are. Yeah. You could see them from Mandalay Bay. Unless they are fake ones. They're the ones that deploy. See, they, the decoy.

The decoy. Yeah. Just like the 747. Then they have the other 747. Yeah, when Bob Lazar was working on back engineering UFOs, allegedly, that's where he used to fly out of. They'd pick him up there, and he'd fly over to Area S4, quick little flight out into the middle of Groom Lake. Quick layover and come back. And they'd get out, and they'd say, figure this thing out. Jeez. Allegedly. Allegedly, yeah.

Supposedly looks like that. That one right there. Right. Well, I thought that was a symbol of ACDC's album. Doesn't it? It looks a little bit like that. No, it's this, that's the sport model. That's what Bob supposedly was working on in the area 51.

Yeah. You know, who knows? It's fun. Yeah. I love all that space stuff, yeah. But when you're looking at those actual planes, I'd like to talk to one of those guys. They tell you, though, then they're fucked. Oh, yeah.

Like, my brother's like, we're talking about. He would not, no, he said, you know, work it in and out. No, you don't. You flaw this plane. Tell me more. He wouldn't tell you nothing? No. Even if they put the phones down and go for a walk?

No, no. Nothing? Your own brother? Yep. If you were my brother, I'd tell you. Would you? Fuck yeah. I would, too.

I can't keep a secret. That's probably why I've never worked. That's why you're not in a big. Exactly why they wouldn't hire you. People always ask me like, does anybody ever tell you like secret, top secret information? I'm like, no, I have a big fucking mouth. Exactly right. They told me that UFOs are real.

I'd be like, look, I'm sorry. Maybe they're going to put me in jail, but I have to tell you. I always have that question, too, honestly, about people that have had security clearances and that. And then they revoke them and they get rid of them. Yeah. My biggest... You can take those off. Those are not working.

Yeah, these aren't working for me. Something about your hair and those things. Let's just go headsetless. Oh, my God. Feel better? Oh. It was a struggle. Can I take my pants off too?

You can take your pants off. This is a pants free zone. And this is a no head phone, no pant wearing his own. You probably have extra pants in there anyway. Don't you? You probably have a clown. I probably have something in there. I knew.

Do you even know what's in there? Do you structure your show or do you just like reach in and start crab and stuff? The show, the show is structured, but when I come and do like little things, there's not at all. There's nothing zero. Do you ever do guest sets like at a comedy club? Or you just bring the, I used to do it. I used to make a thing like, yeah. Do you do it these days?

No. No? I mean, to kind of do like this is what I'm doing today, but Tony, I bring a little, a little. Right. Tony loved it. Last time he did it. It was very fun. I saw some clips.

Yeah, he said to me, I was home my. I said, I don't really don't want to do props. You know, I want to talk. I'm going to do, I want to be, you know, not carrot top. He says, but that's what I want. I want you to be that. And he was right, because it was really, he was right. Both.

It was both, right. Yeah. It was fun to talk, be funny without doing props. And then going and show some of the stuff. And he was beside himself. Oh, you here tomorrow, night? I'm here, uh, no. No.

Too bad. I'm here tonight. I have a show there tomorrow night. Oh, shit, I was going to say. Be fun if you. Oh, that would be honest. Oh, man. I would have done that in a hard.

Another time. You'll be back. Yeah. Yeah. Next time was playing on that. Yeah, that would be awesome. Absolutely. Yeah. I just had Ron White come up on stage just last Friday. Oh, he was in Vegas? He was in Vegas and he came out and, you know, Ron's just a hoot. He says, he comes and I said, you know, I said, well, I thought, you know, what do you want to do? I said, you just do what are, you know, don't, you know, don't, you know, to stress out. Don't come out and do 20 minutes. Just, I think just poke your hat.

out. I have a bit in my act where I talk about my dad working at NASA and training astronauts and it says like Neil Armstrong and John Glenn, all these pictures come up and Katie Perry and everybody goes ah and said if my dad was alive you could hear

him right now and he goes, what the fuck? And I got Ron White to do the voice for it, right? So the crowd, they already know it, you just hear his voice. What the fuck? And everybody's like, Ron White. So I said, that sounds like Ron White. I said, fucking sounds a lot like Ron White and he walks out.

He goes, well, no shit, Sherlock. And the crowd loses it, right? And he's so, I was going to come out here and say something, but you're fucking, I was having a good set. Fucking blowing the roof all the fucking place. And so he says, do you still want it? I said, no, dude, joke. All right, I'll do it.

And he did some joke. And it was great because he's, he's, I'm watching, the whole show. He's like one of my men, you know, heroes in life. He's sitting there watching the show. Then he's gone for like, I don't know. his bits coming up. I don't know where he is. And you could smell pot, the whole, the whole theater.

So I swear on my life, it's not a joke. And I'm like, oh, fuck. I mean, Ron, you can't, like, smoke weed in here. So I go off after he comes out, and he just, he just, whoo, it comes. So I said, all right, no, I have for Ron White. And I said, some kind of, I said, and if you smell weed, it's probably, he's back, he goes back in my dress. Now, there's another show back, that's back down there, all these stripper girls.

And he's, they're all like, hey, I didn't know, you partied. I'm like, what? Like, I didn't know you part. I've been there 19 years. I'm like, I don't party. They're like, no, that's my friend Ron. He's smoking weed. They're like, holy, she's got good shit.

I mean, it would just bellow through the whole lobby out into the lobby. Yeah, he can go hard. Oh, he goes. I smoked weed with him and then done a set and be like, oh, my God, what am I talking about? Yeah, no. He was so blittery. And then he left his weed and his wallet in my dresser. Oh, no.

Is he his wallet? Yeah, fuck guy I love his wallet and his weed. He's here. He lives here. He does, I know. He said he might surprise me that later. Oh, nice. And you've done with, I don't know if I didn't.

I do shows with him every week. Every week. It's not great. He's the best. He's the best. He's one of the main reasons why I moved here. Oh, that's crazy. Yeah, when he moved here in 2017 or 18, I think 18, I think 18.

And I was like, wait, where are you, man? I miss you. He's like, I moved back to Austin. I fucking love it. It's in the middle of the country. I can fly here from everywhere. It's like three hours, no matter where you go, three hours in New York, three hours to L.A., perfectly centrally located. People are nice. Food's great.

I was like, all right. He's right. He got me thinking about Austin. And then when the pandemic hit, I was like, well, if I moved to Austin, at the very least, Ron's going to be there. I'm like, there's a good comedy club there, but the comedy club had already closed. I'm like, but at least Ron's there. You know, I'll have a friend. I just had to get out of L.A.

And he was just raving about how good. Come on down, man. And Austin's fucking awesome. Who's good, fucking good, hell and weed. He's also the one who talked me into opening up a club. Awesome. Yeah. It was totally wrong.

He hadn't done, it was a really funny story. He hadn't done stand up in like eight months. He goes, I'm fucking retired. Because it was the pandemic and all the chaos. I'm fucking retired. I'm done. I got plenty of money. I'm just going to enjoy life.

And it's done. I'm like, okay. Come on, man. Really? I'm like, you're so funny. I just can't believe that. And so then Tony put on a show. at the Vulcan, Tony had done like one or two shows indoors,

which was crazy, like, oh my God, we're doing shows indoors in 2020. This is madness. And in LA, people are freaking out. You're killing Grandma! Yeah, exactly. And so Ron was like, oh, fuck it, I don't even know if I'm gonna do a set.

And then he decided to go on stage. He went on stage, the audience went fucking bananas. He got a huge standing ovation. The moment he went on stage, murdered. I mean, murdered for 50s. 15 minutes. And then he came off and said, he grabbed me by my shoulders. And he goes, whatever the fuck we have to do, we're going to keep doing this. You got to open that club. I'm like, okay, okay, we're going to work. That's great. That was the beginning of the comedy mothership. It was wrong way. How great is that? Yeah, he's the, he was the original. He was the Christopher Columbus, but that's a bad example because that guy was a real piece of shit. You know, he was the original pioneer. It came here. Yeah. Crazy. We went out. I'll do one more Ron White. story because it's it's just

incredible I go I go he can we go out and this is a little fancy like one of these posh little bars down somewhere in the fancy hotel and I even said where do you want to go and he says this is kind of like you know I thought we go to a bar and he said let's go the one

there are you or whatever so we go and it's real fancy and we sit down and the wait just walks over to us and it's there's three of us his wife is his girlfriend me my friend and I said I'll let's do a crown the rocks and I'll have a glass of wine

and as I look over to his wife I said would you like a damn someone smoking weed and Ron is literally he looks at he's like well no fucking shit and I go Ron you can't you can't smoke pot in here he goes the hell

can't who the hell is gonna throw Ron White and Caratop out of a fucking bar and within seconds Metro is standing there going you guys get the fuck out of here And Ron's like, you gotta be fucking shit I said Ron You can't like he just

The cops are there And he's like well they're good They're good I said no we're not good We gotta go He just thought Who's gonna He did that my backstage this last week

I said you can't smoke pot back here It's your fucking dressing room What does that mean I mean you can't Is that a lug source Because I've got other No because I've got the other people The girls the show

Is a lot of other people backstage that I can't do that The next show is like Like strippers? It's called fantasy, yeah. It's a lot like my show, except it's funnier and there's naked people, so, yeah. What is it? It's just a girls' dancing review show.

They used to have something like that. They're good, they're good. It was called Crazy Girls. Yeah. Those, like, comedians would host it. Yeah. That was kind of like this one. They haven't, they would have a comic in the middle and the girls.

Yeah, that's a good show. They've been there for a while. It's for people that want an excuse to see strippers, but they don't want to go to a strip club. Right, right. So they take a date. You can take a date to a show. Right. Right.

I see some titty. Yeah. Yeah. It's smart, isn't it? It's weird. See, we didn't go to a strip club, honey. Went to a fancy titty bar. Vegas is such an odd place.

There's nothing like that place. It's so strange. It's just got such a history. First of all, the beginning of it, right? It's founded by the mob. Like, they literally want a place where they can get gambling. And then in order to have legal gambling, there's probably some sort of a deal where they let the government blow nukes off in the way.

In the middle of the fucking mountains. So there's spots out there where you really can't even visit because they detonated 50-60 nukes. Yeah, that's crazy. That's what killed John Wayne, you know. Vegas? John Wayne was doing a movie in Nevada about Genghis Khan. It's a terrible movie. And he did that movie, and a giant percentage of the people that worked on the movie got cancer from it.

Oh, shit. Because they were literally, like, right down the road from one of the test sites. Yeah. Yeah. That's crazy. It's fucked, right? Yeah. But I always thought that's probably one of the reasons why they allowed them to do the gambling thing there.

They probably made some sort of a deal. Like, yeah, you can have gambling, but this is what we want to do. Yeah. We want to blow off nukes. Jesus. I feel like that sometimes when I'm on stage of the Luxor, if something comes down, and the crowd can see it just part of it. can see it just particle of something it's always like oh that's nice you know the place is fine

asbestos well it's not nukes lexer was built in like what the early 2000s yeah no it wouldn't be nuclear stuff when was that place built yeah something like that well 2000 or something like that because when we felt fear fractured there was like 2000 yeah about 2000 yeah so i've been there 20 of them so yeah so i don't think they're used asbestos but it's just such a weird place 93. Oh, wow. No kidding. Oh, shit. I'm way out. And I work there. Fuck. Not too far off. 10 years. Wow. Look at that.

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You walk in and it's like, you know, I say, do a joke like that. Yeah, I got, I had sex on a really hot chicken, and then they finally had the thing out of the body's exhibit or something stupid or something's stupid or something stupid. That body's exhibit is fucking creepy. Do you know the story behind that place? Well, a little, I mean, yeah, that kind of. They're mostly, well, they don't really know, like, where they're getting the bodies,

but they do know that a lot of them are political prisoners. Yeah, so it's basically like people that ran afoul of the Chinese government, so they whack them and turn them in the statues. Wow. That's creepy. Yeah. That's right outside my theater. Yeah. Well, a lot of them, they call like unidentified bodies.

But the real problem is, like, to be an unidentified body, you have to be unidentified for 30 days. But then in order to do the placination process where they turn you into a statue, it has to take place within 48 hours of death. So Someone's lying Fuck Yeah Someone's lying It makes a lot more sense

A lot of my bullet holes What a great place to have a comedy club Right next to like the Titanic Museum And dead fucking bodies right Yeah That didn't get you more in a mood for a show I saw that too The Titanic Museum

Yeah Titanic Museum That's pretty dope They actually have a big chunk Of the Titanic on display there Yeah I've been in there Yeah What a wild time Where people would just get on a

and boat and travel across the ocean with no YouTube, no GPS, hope they didn't hit an iceberg. And that was like super fancy high-tech travel. Imagine the people that traveled 30, 40 years before that, wooden boats, not having any idea, just going on a promise that you had a job waiting on the other side of the fucking ocean. Right. Yeah. That's how my grandparents got here. there are probably comics on those cruise ships working out terrible comics on those cruise ships that's the worst job in comic oh ever right ever i did one

that's my only one it's one of those things where a guy you know there's some guys that like it like i know a lonzo boden does like jazz cruises like alonzo boden is a he's a great comic but he's also like a giant jazz fan loves jazz music so he'll go on jazz cruises and it's it's probably perfect for him because like it's like if i went on an MMA cruise, you know, I can talk about, right? It's like you can talk about subjects that most people in a regular crowd, be like, what the fuck is he talking about? If you're talking about obscure

jazz music, you know? Yeah, no, that would work. I have a lot of friends, love cruise ships, I just don't, yeah. Have you heard what they're doing with AI music speaking of jazz? Yes. They did, I sent it to Jamie today. They took 50 cents, many men and made it like a soulful song that seems like it's from

the 50s or 60s. Have you heard No, but I've heard a few other ones, not the 50 cent one. Dude, do you want to listen to it? Yeah. It's so fucking good. I sent it to Brian Simpson and he said, that is the best fucking thing you've ever sent me. So they just did that. Yes, through AI. It's not

even a real human being's voice. And it's fucking good, dude. It's good where you're like, whoa. Listen to this. It seems weird hearing these lyrics with this kind of singing, you know, because it's like hardcore, gangster rap music but with

listen to this though it's kind of crazy that they're doing many men wish death upon me blood in my dog and I can't see I'm trying to be what I'm destined to be

what I'm destined to be And niggas trying to take my life away Isn't that great? It gets better I put a hole in a knicker For fucking with me My back on the wall Now you're going to see

Better watch how you talk When you talk about me Because I'll come and take your life away Oh, great. How incredible. Nobody sings lyrics like that with those kind of lyrics. It's gangster rap lyrics with an incredible voice. AI is fucking scary, man.

That's so good. if that was a dude if that was a dude who's saying that I was like who's this guy you know I'm like this guy is fire that's the kind of stuff we're gonna be yeah

I mean the first time I heard about it was Randy Travis had a song out and I love Randy Travis and I was like he has a new album out he's not doing well

he can't you know he hasn't that's right they used AI but that was his decision right yes yeah I think he wrote the music

yeah I think he did but it blew me away we had a whole fight with my crew like it's AI it's not fucking AI it's It is, but it's not.

Right. But the difference is like this is not a real person's voice. Right, right. It's probably a conglomeration of multiple different singers for us. At least I'm guessing. Is it actually a guy? I don't know where this started, but I'm looking at the one that I'm looking at. They are trying to sell this like it's a, they tried to make it seem like 50 cent covered this song from some guy named Shifty Brent.

Oh yeah, but they do that stuff. They did that with the Chris Rock thing. When Chris Rock got slapped by Will Smith, they tried to pretend that it was an old television show. And they did an AI version of this old television show where guy goes on stage and slaps the comedian. It's really funny. It's AI is so squirrelly. They're probably just trying to make money. That's why they did it.

But God damn, it's good. But the Randy Travis one, you're saying. It's his voice. But I don't think so. No, no, it is. So what they do is like it's my voice too. Like they use AI with my, there's a whole podcast with me and Steve Jobs. I never met Steve Jobs.

Oh, God. There's a whole podcast that somebody made with AI. AI because you have Steve Jobs's voice and you have my voice. voice thousands and thousands of hours every sound that I can make with my voice sure is already been made so all the computer has to do weird noises weird noises but all the computer has to do is just take a giant amount of your noises and then apply it and then apply it differently emotionally slowly somberly angrily and you can just put it all together they just had one with me something yeah it was like what the it was me doing

something, you know. Do they do ransom phone calls where people call people and say, I've been kidnapped, I need money? That's what it was. It was not, it was hey, it's, it's me. I'm listening if you could help me out. I need, and it was like I was broken. I was down and out. I needed money.

And they, but it's me and I'll stop sucking my dick and we're in the desert. Send money. Yeah, there's, it's, it's real weird because it's super good now. In the beginning, when we first started hearing it was kind of obvious. because the inflections were off,

like the way you would say something. Like the inflections in that song. Oh, that's amazing. Was insane, you know? That's amazing. That I'll take your life. Watch how you're talking about me. I'll take your life away.

That's great. Ooh, you hear it. You're like, damn. So that means that that we associate with a soulful, incredibly creative person with an amazing God-given talent of a voice. but it's not right that's what's crazy like they nailed it even though i know it's fake i love it yeah and you love it too like we're listening like this is great but we know it's fake that's kind of crazy the randy travis thing is different because what they just did is he

wrote it and then he can't sing anymore but they have thousands of hours of him singing so they took they take that and then just turned it into him singing so it is him singing it's actually his voice it's just not coming out of his mouth it's coming out of technology but it is his voice crazy and it's his writing right so it's like it really is a randy travis album it's just randy traw like you can enjoy someone that can't do it anymore but it's still alive right sure you know like that guy had so many great songs oh man oh my god that guy can go on forever and ever and ever and ever and ever ever well you have to have no he's got so many i love That was my first big country says Kenny Rogers.

And my dad would go to see Kenny Rogers. Every goddamn, every concert my dad went to was Kenny Rogers. Really? Literally. That's hilarious. And then he goes. Oh, we put the headdress back on. We forgot.

We forgot. I'm off because I feel more animated. Yeah, there you go. This is weird. So he goes to see Kenny Rogers. And I'm like 12 or some 13. He says, you want to go. So my dad's, I said, I'll go to Kenney.

My first concert, Kenny Rogers. It's like huge He was playing like arenas It was him and Tammy Wynette And that was great You gotta know When we write all the hits And we go

Yeah And then the second concert I go to was Kenny Rogers Right So I'm like geez All right I don't think there's anything else But Kenny Rogers right

Third time I go to this fucking thing I'm like dad Can we go to like Alabama Can we go do another concert Because he loved Alabama He loved this No Kenny Rodgers

So then I meet Kenny Rogers in an elevator in L.A. Like, it's just the weirdest thing. Bing, doors open. And he's standing. He gets on. I said, oh, man, I don't bother you. You're legend. He's like, thank you.

I said, you know the first concert I ever went to? He says, I'm going to say me. I said, yep. That's awesome. I said, you know of the second concert I went to? He says, nope. I said, you? He says, wow, that's awesome.

I said, do you want to the third? And he goes, all right, fuck off. He goes, fuck off. We're going with this? I said, my dad took me to your concert three times in a row. He goes, well, you have a great dad. And then it was just kind of awkward. He was just, I kind of ran out of us.

That's exactly what we were talking about. Yeah, act weird in front of celebrities. And I did, right? And we're just looking at the numbers and we're going up. And finally I said, oh, you know what? You have great chicken. And I'm like, what the fuck? I didn't know what else to say.

But he really did have great chicken roaster's thing. And that's what I said. And he looked at me like, fuck off. I said, no, and the sides are great too. the chicken that song The Gambler How many people

Did that turn Into gambling Junkies Romanticized gambling You made it It seems so You gotta know When to hold them

I do I know when I know when I know when I know when to run I know what I'm doing I got this shit Did they make a TV movie

about that Wasn't there like a TV movie Yeah I think they did Yeah I called the gambler I think there's a TV movie called the gambler Yeah We'll find out in seconds

Yeah Yep. Yeah. Yeah. There's something about music that was created before the internet. The gambler, there you go. The gambler. Look at them.

What year is this? This is a scud. There's a scud. There's something about stuff that was created before the internet that's so fascinating. Oh, right. It's like an archaeological dig, you know? Look at that. That's just great.

That even looks great, doesn't it? It's like, you want to watch it. Can I say, can I listen? Because it's like an archaeological dig. Like you're looking at the way people used to behave and talk before the Internet. Right. You know, it's weird. It's like oddly fake.

You know? It's like oddly. Interesting how you analyze that way. Now I want to see what you're talking about. Yeah, like I'm being, I'm an amateur archaeologist here. This is a different time. Human beings from 1980 were like a different thing. Everybody would just leave the house.

Everyone had a key. Nobody knew where anybody was at any given time. You left the house, you were gone. We didn't even have answering machines yet. People were basically wild animals who lived in houses. You're right. You're right. We had no. And they only knew how to behave from movies and TV.

Give me some of this. It's just playing the music. Oh, is it still playing the music? Oh, okay. Is this the theme song? I mean, it's playing the song to Game Boy. I want it. Yeah.

That's so funny. Look at it, even in the way it looks, the way it looks, it looks so cornball. It's just kind of amazing. You know, we just, people just kind of accepted. I love the fact that how you put it, there was, not even having self-recall it. Yeah, answer machines. They were just gone. We were wild animals.

People in 1980 were essentially wild animals. There were wild animals who had children. No one knew what was going on in the world. Everybody was completely uninformed. Right. Isn't that great? It's crazy. We're all working.

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And no one knew what was going on, and everybody lived in bliss. And you only knew the people in your neighborhood. Didn't know anybody else. No. You didn't know, like, there wasn't even one, one hundredth of the amount of famous people back then. There was a tiny amount of famous people. There was Elvis and a few other folks. Yeah.

There's a few rock stars, a few comics. There's like Richard Pryor. Right. TV shows that you'd find, you know. Yeah, dude, animals. We were, look at Kenny Rogers. These are wild animals that have just been introduced to technology, and they're aping what it's like to be a grown-up. like they're just figuring it out and now here we are we're like the teenagers we're the

adolescence of civilization so we realize that's kind of silly and everything there's a but there's stuff from then that's better than stuff that's today for for whatever weird reason there's some music back then that hits you because like you realize like how special this really like prints for instance like remember the first time I listened to prints I listened to I was delivering newspapers at the time and I listened to I want to be your lover and I was like

who the fuck is this guy man like this guy was coming out out of nowhere he was like completely androgynous like

he was a beautiful man with his long flowing hair and the first album is him with his shirt off just staring at you're like what the fuck is going on

and then I want to be your lover I heard that I was like oh my God this guy's talented but he was like out of nowhere talented you know what i mean like who the fuck was like that guy before him right he was completely different than anybody that came before i want to think that would people compare with michael jackson because of the he's very different too right but that hit

because i remember when prince came out i'm like oh he's trying to be michael jackson no yeah but he could he wouldn't what year is this is this is this first performance oh let me see this let me hear some of this There you go. There's your song. Come on, man. What a song. Look at him. No, yeah.

Bro. You could, it's so funny, this video, if you took the sound off this and you put in like Cinderella, it would probably match his, his aerosmith. But it looked at how he's doing it, but he's like, he can see, walk this way. Right, right. He's got it, even if he took the phone, it looks like, it's rock and roll. Yes. He was so compelling. I bet women were so confused why they wanted to fuck him

like why don't I want to fuck that woman they wanted to fuck him like he cracked the code he figured something out and they did when you're a five foot three dude with insane amount of talent and you're wearing stiletto heels on stage and everybody wants to fuck you yeah because he was that fucking talented yeah yeah he was that talented and then it was also His music was so wild, like that song, Head. I remember that song, that was like, what year was head? Was it like 86 or something like that? Like, what year was that?

I don't know my music. I know the thing. 80? Wow, 1980. So this was then, before I was in high school, son. This is before I was in high school. He had a song about blow jobs. Yeah.

Morning, noon, and night. I'll give you a head. Yep. Until you burn it up, head. Do you love his red head? Love you to your dead. Ow. You know, Prince people reached out to our people one night and asked that they could come to the show when he was at the Rio.

Whoa. And we said, well, fuck, yeah. What do you mean? Of course we would. And they said, there's only one caveat. I said, what's that? You can't curse. Prince hates cursing?

Yeah. For real, for real. Well, yeah. Maybe you just wanted to fuck with you. Maybe. How much power do I have? Yeah. I do tell me, well, I don't think, but I was like, I want to hear swears tonight, tell him.

I would tell him my people, I said, hold on a second, he's talking, I can't curse. I said, yeah, that's the one thing. I said, but he has a song called Cream, get off. Yeah. Cream, right? Yeah. And they're like, yeah, I'm like, no, I'm not going to change my whole. Oh, he became a devoted Jehovah's Witness and as a result, stop using profanity, yeah.

Even implementing a cash swear jar at his Paisley Park studio to enforce his no swearing policy. Witnesses believe that using blasphemous or foul language is a sin and prince adhered to this tenant by removing swear words from his music and charging people for any foul language spoken at his compound. Well, I'm already down like 200. I'm already fine 200 bucks today, I think. As much as I love that guy, I would not visit him. I would be like, I can't do that. No, that's what I don't want to do that. Well, that's what I said. Maybe I would. Maybe I'd talk to him once. I would just like, like, if I'm going to go talk to a priest, I'm not going to go swear. you know what I mean right I'm gonna try to be nice yeah but like at a certain point time like I don't want to perpetuate this really stupid idea that different sounds that you make with your mouth are uniquely offensive it's what you're you're saying it's supposed to be a sound that I make so you know what I'm thinking and if you have words that you can substitute for these thoughts that are complete if you have a thought that is a thought that is

only expressed through fuck you right like we know what fuck you means and everybody says fuck you do for you to say that you can't say that anymore you're manipulating language to make it have less nuance that's never good yeah like it's already not nuanced enough like it still doesn't quite grasp exactly what you're thinking or what you're saying and the worst case scenario of it is when someone writes down what you're saying instead of like hearing you say it in context with the conversation that you're having, right? Right. So it's like anybody who says don't use certain words, like, stop being a baby.

Stop being a baby. These are just noises you make so that we can understand. All that shit is nonsense. It's stupid. It's stupid. And it was mostly created, I think, first of all, on television, right? Television, you had advertising. And that was the only place where there was advertising.

And so that was the only place that had a proven audience. But to keep that proven audience on NBC and CBS, you had to institute laws where you literally would get fined, like a serious amount of money if you swore on TV. And then cable came along and everybody, you know, Sam Kinnison was like HBO. Right. And you're like, this is way better. Like, why can't we just talk? Right. But again, this is cave people.

Right. No one knew what the fuck was going on, dude. Right. No one knew what the fuck was going on back then. Prior. Yeah. It was just amazing. When I was a kid, I was at my friend Jimmy Lawless's house, and we watched Eddie Murphy Delirious.

I think we were all like, what year was that? I want to say I was 15 maybe. Delirious, 86? I want to say I was like 15 or 16. I couldn't believe how funny it was. I was like, this is insane. Oh, no. He's talking about the honeymooners.

fucking each other in the ass. Like, what? Jackie Gleason is fucking Ed Norton in the ass? Norton? I've been looking at you. You're like, this is insane. How is this on TV? 86?

83. Yeah. Wow. Unbelievable. So that makes, yeah. I think that makes me like 15. It makes me like 15. Fucking crazy.

It was so good, dude. And it was new. It was like all of a sudden you're hearing someone just swearing. someone just wearing on TV. Yeah. Like, this is crazy. How am I even watching this? Right.

That's, well, it was a big change in every, yeah, because the cable. Well, cable and then VHS tapes where you can go and like, you could rent Delirious. Right. Wouldn't it too when we had to, right. Yeah, you go home and put it in, you get popcorn out and go to watch Deliris. We were cave people. Yeah, we were cave people. We were telling stories by the fire.

Yeah, literally. Yeah. Oh, God. I don't bear talking. I stopped him. Like, that was our form of entertainment. It's so weird. Do you think back about that?

Could you keep bringing this up? Isn't that weird? Because I'm about your age and that. We didn't have any, we didn't, like you said, we didn't even have an answer machine. Yeah, we had nothing. We had nothing. I think we are the perfect, we're the perfect people to, like, really understand the change that society has gone through and how spectacular that change is. Because we were there when there was.

none where there was nothing where walkie talkies were crazy yeah that was huge to have a walkie talking that was nuts you could talk to your friend in the in your bedroom you got to be quiet so good bro what's going on over there over yeah yeah yeah yeah because you guys are like reasonably close mom just pulled in over yeah it was the craziest thing in the world you could talk at a walkie talkie or i knew a dude who had a cb in his car you just have random conversations people bro they would just start talking about stuff like break her one yeah break her one yeah break and not what you're up to. Yeah.

Yeah, and they would just have conversations and people would meet people. Like you said, the smoking the bandit, that was, that was, but that is about the time

you're talking about, too, where they were, we had C-Bs, but they're also like, gave men, they were just, yeah.

It was, it was. But you were the cool guy. If you had a C. Yeah, yeah. If you had a C.B. in your truck, you were cool.

Yeah. Didn't, didn't, didn't Burt Reynolds have a CB in his transam? Yeah. Of course he did he. Yeah, he had to.

Yeah, he did, hey, hey, big, what's up? That's right. And we're going to pull over here and feed their dog. Bro. 10-4, good buddy. That is the ultimate cool guy. He's got a wonky-talkie and his transam with a cowboy hat on. Fucking right.

That's my, by the way, that's, it is one of my only movies that I own on my iPod. Bro, it is another archaeological site. It's a dig. They've dug down to another time of human beings where this is the coolest guy in the world. A guy who runs from the cops and a transatl. with a firebird on the fucking hood and he's talking on a CB with a cowboy hat on. And that was the first movie that... It's like Greek theater.

Yeah. First movie they broke the camera. The third, what do you call that? Where they look into the camera. Oh, the third wall? Yeah. That was the fourth wall? What do they call?

Fourth wall. Fourth wall. Fourth wall. It was right when he first being chased. Yeah, thank God, James. He's going down the, he loses him in the alley in the very beginning chase scene. And he's going like, he's backing in like this. And he looks at the camera, he goes,

it's like, that was fucking awesome. Like, he just gave that look and went. Oh, Bert Reynolds had so much charisma. It was great. He was so good. And the fucking sheriff. I mean, God, damn it, how great is that whole? But you know what moves really great?

Give me a dabbled sandwich and Dr. Pepper very quick. I'm in a goddamn hurry. Where are you at? Who's chasing you? No one's chasing me. I'm Sheriff Buprin. No one's chasing me. You stay here and you leave, you think about it.

Don't do it Yeah His kids on the car Dude Jackie Gleason was amazing in that That's an attention getter Yeah He was so good In that movie

That's called an intention getter Do you remember Bert Reynolds in deliverance Oh yeah absolutely That was an insane role That was an insane role That was when you get to see him As an actual actor

He's like oh this guy was good He was a good actor You know what I mean Like it wasn't just smoking the band Right sure The guy having a good time, super charming, great mustache, smiling at the camera. He was fun, man, like in deliverance, man. It was like right out of him, right when he was done playing football.

Yep. That's right. He kills a guy with a bow, doesn't he? Crazy movie. Yeah, man, it was a good movie. That was a good movie. I got to meet him. He was cool as hell.

That's a very intense movie. He had a pie fight. You had a pie fight with Bert Reynolds? No, I was on The Tonight Show. Bert Reynolds was crazy. Burt Reynolds was the lead guest. He came out and talked about being married like nine times. Mark Summers, who hosted the game show, whatever it was, Mark Summers.

He came out, and Burtz moves down to the second chair, and Mark's, here's, here's, and he puts us back to Burt, and he starts telling him, you know, you know, something of being, you know, I've only been married once, and Burt's over there, you know, kind of getting a little, first he's got his back to him then he takes the cup the mug and he says he went to take it and he says is this mine he says

I don't give a shit and he says well you've been married five times I don't want to sit he was trying to be funny like I don't drink after you've been married five times they just kind of hurt they got oh here it is now here's the best part I'm watch whoa

oh no this is real shit I'm a guest I'm gonna get threw a drink on him yeah is this plan no no no no and who's the other dude? Mark Summers. And who's Mark Summers? He's the host, Double Dare. Double Dare, thank you. Nickelodeon stuff. Now watch, now watch how angry Bert, watch he's, watch him, watch he's, they didn't have this plan, by the way. But he, Bert hits him hard.

Yo, yo, that hurt. Look at the torque he got in that right hand. I want you to watch this again. Bro, he got hip into that. No, he was fucking pissed. He got a hip into that. No, he was He got his right shoulder. At the end, if you watch it, he'll go, hey, Therato will be here tomorrow night. He hit the end. Look at this frame by frame. Well, he's a fucking football player, too. Look at that.

Bro, he clocked that dude. Look at his face. Look at that freeze frame. That guy should be ashamed of that look for the rest of his life. How dare you? How dare that face? Right there is scary. If I was friends with that dude, I'd be like, you know, you're not going to do that.

He's going to kill you. Bro, look at that torque he got into that. Yeah, well, let's say, you're a football player. Bro, that was like... And I'm backstage going on. I'm like, no, we're going to be... We're going to cut you. Actually, I just tell...

I was going to say, that guy's got a great chin. He had fun. He's smiling. Yeah, he better smile. He just got bitch slapped. He took a great shot, I want to say. He says, we'll be right back with... No, tomorrow and I'll have Karen.

I'm in fucking shit. We'll be right back right after this message. We'll be right back. That was salt and pepper, Jay. Yeah. Another guy took way too much shit. They gave him so much of a hard time. It's just like when Larry Holmes became the heavyweight champion of the world after

Muhammad Ali, everybody hated Larry Holmes. When Jay Leno took over after Johnny Carson, there's a bunch of people. He got a lot of grief for that. For no reason. No reason, because they were put on great shows, too. Super nice guy. The writing was great. Never did it.

No. I always had a good time talking to him. It's always a nice guy. Yeah. He's a nice guy, and like, what he should have been doing all along is really what he's doing now. is his car shows. Right. Because, like, that guy,

if you talk to him about cars, he's so entertaining. He loves cars, like that he loves them. I mean, he knows more about cars probably than anybody I've ever met in my life. He's got an insane collection

and he likes everything. He likes old Dotson. He's at a fire truck? Yep, yep, yep. He's just a genuine fan of automobiles and the way he talks about is so entertaining. Yep, no.

Because that's really what he wants to do. And he's also crazy, right? because he's, he's, he's, um, unstoppable. So he, he, he fell off that cliff or whatever the fuck it was, right? You heard about this. Yeah, what happened to him? I just talked to him in Vegas. He went and saw him.

And I said, how are you doing? He goes, you know, I said, you could still see like a, you know, a little bit of bruising because it was about two weeks after he had the fall. Oh, Jesus. He was out about two weeks later. What do you mean? He did the show that night. What?

Yes, he fell. Did he get a concussion? He said, he, how he said, he said, he, he said, he, he said, he, he said, he, he was He says, he's saying, there was a, you know, a golden corral next to the, you know, La Quinta. I said, first thing I said to him, I said, are you okay? He said, my question, what the fuck are you staying at La Quinta? And he goes, you know, we all can't have to stay the fourth evening. I said, no, but really, what happened?

He said, he doesn't spend any of his money. He walked out of the Laquinta, and he was a little hill, like not even like a hill. He went hiking. He went hiking. With, like, slippery shoes on, probably. He said, the golden crown. He's probably wearing dress shoes. I'm going to go come around.

Right. And his denim. And so he went, he just, it looked, it was a little deeper than he thought. And he slipped fell and hit his eye, you know, right in the thing where it's bad. So he went into, got his golden crow. You know, I think and I think. Got his food, went to the club and went on stage, bleeding. That's so crazy.

And I said, what do you mean? I said, what do you mean? The show must go on. He said, I just held the mic with his hand. They have a married guy. Have that married guy in the crown? And I'm like, it's just amazing to me. He told, trip my nail, I'd cancel.

He told this insane show, insane story, rather, of a show that he had to do with a priest and a mob guy, where the mob guy was yelling at the priest and swearing. And Jay's like yelling and swearing, like doing the same, you know, like saying what the mob guy said. I was like, seeing Jay Leno talk like that was like, what? Right. The Tonight Show guy. I can't believe he's talking like that. He came to see him say, dang, dang, dang it. What are you going to do?

That's crazy. Oh, yeah, he was doing this super hyper violent Italian mob guy, like screaming obscenities at this priest. And Jay Leno was yelling at out. It was a fucking amazing story. And was that a show? Yeah, it was a show that he was doing, like, you know, before he made it. It was like back in the day he did some sort of a show where, you know, I think it was like a benefit or something like that where there was a priest involved. And then the mob guy got mad at the priest and was yelling.

telling out of him. It's a fucking hilarious story. But that guy doesn't spend any of his Tonight Show money. Yeah. He lives all entirely off his stand-up money. Which is crazy. Right. So he's just stockpiling it all at the La Quinta Inn. La Quinta, that's right.

Jesus. Someone needs to tell him. Like, money's fun coupon. TD Bank knows that running a small business is a journey. From startup to growing and managing your business. That's why they have a dedicated small business advice hub on their website to provide tips and insights on business banking to entrepreneurs

no matter the stage of business you're in visit td.com slash small business advice to find out more or to match with a td small business banking account manager i'm chris hadfield i'm an astronaut an author a citizen of planet earth join me for a six-part journey into the systems that power the world. Real conversations with real people who are shaping the future of energy. No politics, no empty talk, just solutions focused conversations on the challenges we must overcome and the possibilities that lie ahead. This is on energy. Listen wherever you get your podcasts. You should be just scrolling it away. Have fun with them. Have fun with them. But people that started out poor, which is like basically most comics, once you start making money, it's hard to believe that

you're ever going to keep making money. You start panicking. You know, they're going, oh, my God, I've got to save this. Yeah. I got to save it. Yep. And then if you carry that into your 70s and 80s, somebody should sit you down and have a talk with you.

Like, I'm your financial advisor, and now's the time to go crazy. Yeah, you're good now. You should be looking into cocaine. You should probably buy more cars. Like, let's spend some of this shit. As your final, I think you should start spending shit. As your advisor, we have to buy some ridiculous shit. Let's get you in a nice car.

Yeah. Let's do something. You need to start buying stuff You should have way more cars That's great You're right What are you saving up for, bro? This is the end times

This is that Yeah Because I don't Yeah I don't family You know that It's like I know a lot of people

That have a lot of kids And a lot of that You save up for them But But even them Like Giving kids A ton of money

Yeah Giving kids a ton of money Is not Necessarily good for them No Like if you look historically at people that got trust funds, it's a weird road to go down and not have any ambition or not have to have any ambition. Maybe you do have it like inherently. But for a lot of

them, it's like they don't have to make it. They don't have. And I think that's unfortunately in this society that we live in that doesn't seem to work. Like in this society, it's very difficult to not be self-sustainable, not be able to take care of yourself. And if you can't take care of yourself. You've got to kind of learn how to do it. You can't just be constantly relying on other people because I think it hinders your growth as a person. Absolutely. You know what I mean? I think it like fucks with you. Like every guy that I've ever met that comes from a family that like gives them, not every guy, but a lot of guys that I've met that come, I've met some cool ones. They come from a family with a lot of money and they've

never had to worry and they have trust funds and they never really have had a job. They're all weird. Yep. They're all weird. It's like cement that didn't get the amount of water that it needs when you're mixing in it's always like weird yeah it seems like you know to every comic artist whatever everyone they're all their stories are the same that they came from nothing and that's in if you think about it almost every comic and artists I know they they weren't they didn't have money did not yeah but it's not mutually exclusive no no right right it's not there are people that have come from great families and great backgrounds that just happening funny right it's a weird thing man like talent is an odd thing really is a very weird thing

like there's certain universal truths like you're gonna find more talent yeah probably in in harder communities like you're gonna have better rock and roll in like the the dingy fucking outskirts of town like those guys are gonna be nirvana right but I love hearing like a billy Joel story where where you can relate to it like you know I started cutting lawns at eight years I'm like, I started cutting lawns at eight years old, you know, I literally, and, you know, nowadays, no kids don't do anything. And I'm like, yeah, I did that. I, I, I, I, cleaned office buildings and I did everything, you know, my lawns, car, he was a boxer.

Yeah, Billy Joel was a boxer, yeah. I did not know that. Yeah, I did not know how many fights that he had. I think he lost. Are you being funny, really? No, no, no. Billy Joel was a boxer. Yeah.

I did not know that. Yeah, I think he was good. I think it was pretty good. I mean, I think it was a good amateur level 22 and 2. Really? Gosh, how did I didn't know that? Was that professional?

Golden gloves? Golden gloves, so amateur level. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, legit boxer. I just know that he was broke. Ah, did not know that. He's a guy whose music changed radically. Like, if you go back and listen to Captain Jack,

like from Captain Jack to Uptown girls, like, oh. Oh, you know. Right. It's like, it's great music. It was a huge hit, but it's a different. vibe. It's like a guy who's in love now and he's got a supermodel for a wife and he's worth a billion dollars. It's like, Captain Jack was his gritty

Long Island story. I was like, fuck, that's a good song. That's a great song. But you're right. You can see how their life changes and their music changes. So like you said, now he's got a, you know, uptown girl. Got money, I got to, you know. You ever heard the song, Billy the Kid? He's got some great fucking songs.

Well, the one that that was special I just saw was Wasn't it Billy the kid? Is that the name of that song? It's a great. When it got me on the special was the entertainer. I thought that was interesting because it was ripping on

Mm-hmm. Yeah. It was ripping on show business. Yeah, the ballad of Billy Kid. That is a great fucking song. My parents had that album on vinyl when I was a kid. I listened to it.

What year was that? 73, son. I listened to that, and I was like, like, this is, again, this is an archaeological dig, you know? You're like going to, like, the beginnings of certain genres of music and certain kinds of music. And back then, that's how you got it. You heard it on the radio and you went out and bought an album and he sat there. Yeah, and looked at it and looked at the artwork. And the needle goes over the thing.

Yeah, read the paper. Yeah, weird. But the entertainment one was interesting because the record label had asked him to, come up with a hit uh-huh oh that's why he wrote it that way no i don't know they just it was just on it i just watched i remember exactly how it went down but he said yeah you know they were they were saying they're gonna they need a hit off this album and to make this big hit so he he wrote that and when they played it to them they're like fuck you we're getting rid of you so they got rid of them the label dropped him because he's it's all about that it's the music business then

to take all your money and where they don't care about you and I'm like that's balzy right they want to hit and you basically say how much you know like the luxur says 20 years could you do something special for me and I have this big roast and how horrible the luxar is and how much they you know it just shit they're like what that is a real album like real song and they were like no you're done they should have just took it on the chin look the guy became huge after that's stupid you fucking dumb asses you got rid of them now they say that you got rid of me you got rid of me He sold a billion albums. Yeah, he's got some great fucking, just the piano man. The piano man's a great fucking song alone is right. Oh, how about scenes from an Italian restaurant? All right. Oh, my God. That is a fantastic song.

And it's another, it's a story. It's a story of people's lives, you know, and it's, it's relatable. It's like, it's real, it's raw. It's, you know, again, it's like a window into a different time. It's a bottle of red, right? And I was just to make a joke about that my show, a bottle of red. and says bottles of white so apparently he didn't like red as much as whites

he has plural in the he said bottle of red bottles of white yeah and I'm like oh he he must have had he liked more white wine and that's how I pick up shit like are you sure that's the lyrics

or did you just say that for the song no I think it says bottle of red bottles of white you can now he got to look at it I thought he said a bottle of white whatever kind of mood you're in tonight oh fuck I don't know I think you anytime you want Yeah, I knew that, but I thought, maybe I could be wrong.

No, that is a great fucking song. That's a great song. Bottle of red. It's just a bottle of whites. You're right. A bottle of whites. Interesting. See?

I knew it was something odd. It's still a bottle. It's a weird way to write. A bottle of whites. It could be wine, so it could be multiple kinds of white wine in one bottle. What did Jamie get intact? I mean, what I'm trying to say is. So blend, that would be a bottle of white wine.

So I was on to something there, right? Because I used to sing it and go, why is he saying that? Isn't that funny that some people don't like their grapes mixed? Don't you dare serve me a blend. Some people don't want to blend. Is that a blend of a cabernet and Merlot? Are you fucking high? That's crazy.

A goddamn blend. I don't want a strange chardonnay. How weird are people? I'm going to give you a little bit of this bird and a little bit of that bird, okay? Yeah, people are so weird. It's a blend. People that, like, get super down with wine. I got a buddy who's a wine, like a legit wine connoisseur.

My buddy, Matt, so I could call him up out of nowhere. Like, I'd be at a restaurant and send him a picture of the wine list. Tell me what to get. And he would, like, look at it for like three seconds. And he's like, this is great. What are you eating steak? Cake bread, yeah, yeah. And he would tell you how to do it.

But he got scammed. Well, he didn't get scammed. But there was a guy that he was friends with that was a gigantic scammer. And I don't think this guy ever got him. But what this guy was doing was they were all these wine connoisseurs, and this guy was selling really rare wine that was counterfeit. It was fake. So he had infiltrated this thing, this like wine group, and he was a con man. And what he was doing was taking a bunch of different wines and mixing them and then trying to sell it as this like 1970, impossible bottle from Bordeaux.

Right. And so he would age the paper on the bottles. shit. And they raided his house. They found empty bottles everywhere. He was taking labels off of things and copy him and printing them. I have that with a lube. I do. You got to get the real stuff. It's hard. You got to get it from Portugal. They raid my house. Jesus Christ. But this, this documentary highlighted in my eyes, at least for some of those people, that it's kind of bullshit. You think you know the difference between really good old wine. But this guy just tricked you yeah and he tricked a lot of them a couple guys he didn't trick there was one guy in

particular this guy is like this is trash I'm just gonna say yeah one guy was like this is trash but the other guy was just raving about it all of a sudden his opinion he questioned like what I just thought this was great I thought it was crazy like no that's just terrible oh he's like it was weird that's crazy what was the wine movie that I that what was the wine well this was a wine documentary no no I'm trying to think of the guy you said no more fucking Merlot what was oh yes What was that way? What was that? Sideways.

That's right. That's right. That guy came to my show. I'm not tricking fucking Merlo. That guy came to my show. He's a brilliantly nice, sweet guy. Oh, that's awesome. Great guy.

Just like in the movie. He's just so nice. And he came with Kieran Culkin, McCulley Culkin's brother. He's great in succession. Great. They were filming an Audi commercial or something. What was that guy's name again? Yeah, Paul Giumati.

He's so nice. back he's amazing and everything i said could you could you would you would know i could they want to drink and they're like yeah i'll take whatever you got said we have a whole bar i said you want i said you want to i said you want to molo i'm gonna have him ralow and just his face he was so funny he's like are you like i just said it but i didn't say like i was trying to be funny i said we have this we have we have below and he's like uh i said oh i'm just fuck he said no and then we did did a video together i said trying to think if i find somebody i could find a sure mallow with It pans over to him.

He's like, not in fucking hell. It was just, it was such a great, he's such a great guy. He was great in that Howard Stern movie. He was, wasn't he? Yeah, private parts. I mean, NBC. Yeah. Yeah, he was really good in that.

I'm saying it, WNBC. No, WNBC. Yeah. Yeah, he's a good guy on top of that great guy. Merlot. Mirlow got a bad name after that movie. If I was in the Merlo business, I would have been furious. Yeah, no doubt.

These motherfuckers, they're downplaying Merlot. Yeah. I always like Merlo, and then all of a sudden I had a shady opinion of it. They did that with me on South Park. You know, it said that I was junk. I'm like, fuck. Did they? In a roundabout way, you know.

South Park. They were doing, everyone's parodied me and there's always been something stupid. It's just amazing. I was an Indian casino, and it said, like, carrot scalp, you know, tonight playing at the show. Who says that? It was in, like, Simpsons or family guy. Just for jokes. Just for jokes.

South Park has been around longer than anything ever that's still good. Yeah. Like, how do they do it? I don't know. Brilliant. It's just weird that they're still so on top of it. They're so driven to, like, still push the boundaries and make it really funny. Yeah.

And it's been going on since shit. I was saying, my God, how many years? Like, the first video, I think, was 95 or 96 or something like that. The one that they were passing around, the VHS one with Brian Boytano. Yeah. What year was that? I think it was 95 or 96. Because I remember people on news radio were passing it around.

And we were like, what the fuck is this? This is crazy. 95. Yeah. Everybody was passing around. We're like, this is insane. This is so insane. And I don't think it had a home yet.

I don't think it was on Comedy Central yet. The first one they made was in 92. Whoa. Which one was that? Which one was that? Trying to see which it says... Which is the Brian Boytano? Which would Brian Boy Tano do?

That's what everybody would say. We'd be walking around the news radio set going, what would Brian Boy Tano do? And his fucking Jesus is there. It's just so ridiculous. That was actually in their first movie in 99. Which that came quick. The Brian Boitano thing was?

Yeah, that was in the movie. South Park, bigger, longer. uncut. Really? Mm-hmm. So what was the 95 one or the 94 one? So they made fun of Brian Boy Tano in the spirit of Christmas. So that came out in 99?

So I wasn't, that was like the last year of news radio. I don't even know if I have a false memory now. Huh. What, um... That was the one that was Jesus for Santa fighting. That's the ninth. That's the first one. Yeah.

There's no Brian. Boy Tano in that one? He says what would Brian Boitano do in that, but that's not the song isn't until later. Oh, right. But that's what when he says it. Okay. I thought it was going crazy. I thought it was hilarious still. I thought I had a fake memory. Says yeah, Stan Marsh says to Cartman. What would Brian Boitano do is Jesus battle Santa. That's right. Okay. You had me thinking I was crazy. Oh, the song was way bigger than. Right. But the show went where he says it. It was on the show. So that was the verse. I was like, am I losing my fucking mind? Like, no, I know it was on the first one. But it was just so groundbreaking. And the brilliance of it was that you don't have to have it look realistic. So you can get away with so much more. Like when he stuffs, what's her face up his ass? Who did he?

Paris Selton. Parasilton, not right. When he had a slut off and stuffs Paris Hilton up his ass, it's like, you can do that if it doesn't look real. Right. Like if it's like super realistic and 3D, you can't do that. It has to look like South Park. Yeah. They can get away with so much.

They kill kids. They kill Kenny every week. Nobody complains. Yep. Poor fucker dogs every week. It's like, imagine if this is like a graphic 3D video, you know, that looks hyper-realistic. You can't do it. It has to look like complete nonsense.

And then we'll let you get away with almost anything. That's probably how they sold it that way. Well, if you think about it. And they bought it that way. There's like levels of realism that will. allow you to get away with more if it's like less realistic right right like that's why we used to allow like roadrunner like and you know wiley coyote and roadrunner would like drop dynamite on him yeah shit was always happening he was always getting fucked up that was okay because it was

cartoons right right but you couldn't have blood like blood all over the place but if you make them look so goofy that their head's just a big circle right and they have like a little sick on Then you get blood all over the place and nobody complains. Exactly. Weird, right? It's kind of weird. It's like the less realistic, but we know what it is. They killed a kid.

You're like, well, you kill it, you bastards. And no one has a problem with it. Which is because it's unrealistic. It's kind of weird, right? I think it's exactly how you put it. It's kind of weird. It's a perfect cheat code. It makes everything more funny because you never feel guilty laughing.

It doesn't matter what. When Cartman was in bed with Saddam Hussein or when Satan was in. bed? Not car bad. There's just so many scenes where you're like, there's no way to do this unless you have cartoons. It's brilliant. Because you wouldn't never be able to get away with it.

No. Like the one when they skirted around drawing Muhammad, they kind of skirted around. They never drew them. They were like, drew that there was just like, oh, there's a truck and he's inside the truck in a bear suit. You can do things in cartoons that you just can't do in any other realm. It's a perfect medium for comedy.

and you can keep the kids young forever Right You know they're always going to be in high school Like nobody questions in fact They've been in high school For 40 years Right now It's just

They're in high school That's how it goes That's true They don't have to grow up Shut the fuck up Why are they have to grow up See if they made Now what if they did make a cartoon

When they aged Ugh I'm they funny They're like god damn No you want to see They always look good It'll be sad That'll be a fucking

Loser in a trailer park Yeah It's fun when he's the way he is now and he's like a little kid It's fun I like throwing hissy fits It's fun Because he's still a little kit

You know You don't want to There's certain people You don't want to see him When they get full grown Or when they're over the other side of it Right When things

The wheels start falling off You know That's what I mean though For the special Their end episode They should do it Yes When it's all done

This is the final They're all aged And they didn't have the voice Quite still What they should do is do a 3D, like hyper-realistic version of the show. Like, just do it all through AI for the last episode and just have it the most violent, most ridiculous.

And see how people deal with it. You're like, bro, this is exactly what we've been showing you for 40 years. That will be a hit. It wouldn't be allowed to. Coffee? Yeah, have some. Big Daddy. I like coffee.

Oh, thanks. Thank you. Sure, sir. All right, cheers to you. Bam, bomb. Thank you for having me. My pleasure. I'm looking forward to seeing young Kiltoni, too.

That's going to be really fun. Yeah, that's fun. You know, last time I did it once. $1 plus tax for a smooth, small, premium roast coffee at McDonald's? That means rich, full-bodied flavor at a price that's just as satisfying. Must be Make Cafe. Enjoy a small, make-cafe premium roast coffee for just $1 plus tax. At participating McDonald's in Canada.

Prices exclude delivery. Did you do it at the club or did you do it at a big place? At the club. At the club? Nice. Yeah. It was fun and it was loud and intimate. And it was just, you know, I told before I did, I said, I'm not into critiquing people because I've been shit on my whole career.

I don't want to tell these comments what they're doing right or wrong. Coming from me, really. He said, no, no, no, that's not how it works. You just play. Just be you. Just be yourself. And it was great. Because I could just, you know, if there was something specific that I thought was going to wrong or off, I could say it.

in a very nice way. But most of them, they're good. These guys come out. They got their minutes. They pop them out. You know, of course you'd see a couple, right? You know, the first 10 seconds in, you're like, okay, it's already not funny. You know, are they're just so nervous?

They're just, you can see the mic shaking, you know. But some would have really quality written jokes. Oh, yeah. There's a lot of funny people out there. And there's also because of Kill Tony, people realize that if they can put together a minute, It can change their whole fucking life. Yeah. Your whole fucking life.

Look at Cam Patterson. Just got on Saturday Night Live. Yeah. I mean, look at these guys. They're killing it. Unbelievable. William Montgomery's killing it. You know.

There was a couple there out that night that they were really good. Yeah. And I think Tony tapped me under the chair at one point, his next guy, you know. He came out and I was like, holy shit. He was solid. Yeah. Already already polished. You know, already polished.

There's a lot of these guys that do that show, they do one. minute and then they go we'd love to have you back and then they come back they do another minute the crowd remembers them from the old show all of a sudden they have like 25,000 Instagram followers then it's 100 then it's 150 like this thing start rolling it's like oh you have a real pathway if you work hard if you really fucking focus and really just really dial it in really work on your material really working do as many sets around town as you can you might be able to do this for a living and if you can it's the greatest fucking job in world. There's already a couple that I've been watching. They are there. There's more now than

ever before. It used to be it was like there was a bunch of like bad people and every now and then someone would come on with promise. Now it seems to me to be more slanted towards people that are good. Yeah. It's like a high level or high percentage rather are people that I thought I was there. They were really good. Yeah. A lot of them really good. And it's again, there's a pathway. There was one that came out and I said and it was kind of funny how he, he, the mic, microphone was up high because the guy before him was like six five or some this guy comes out he's like four feet so it's already funny because they bring him out and he he goes to grab the mic and he just he takes it and puts it behind him and takes the mic and goes into his bed and I'm like so it got all done he said um he's how I said it was great I said the only thing I would have done in the beginning you already had a laugh the microphone was you know so he reference it at least reference it don't you know what to do a thing he said he goes yeah well that that'd be a prop and i said no it's already a fucking prop it's not you didn't bring it he didn't

make it it's there it's a prop that's usable every comic uses it for the you know everything from a guitar right sure for change on the beach every comic is down there everybody so i said no no no you don't have to make a prop joke i said just reference it you should at least referenced it like like this is already not going well something and because the crowd was waiting for something and he didn't do it and then after the show he said I'm going to use that that's good

I said well you have to follow a tall guy every time for it to work yeah don't say set the microphone really high for my first joke that's what I said and only work because it was improper it happened right and then he goes and I told him that I said you don't

don't do it unless it happens you don't want to have it set that way right and it's dumb well I think for some people they don't know how to start you know and they're doing something like that and it's the well the starting is hard for everyone it's not just that it's like this overwhelming anxiety you have one minute and you can't believe you're on a stage in front of this like a lot of them's their first show some of them first show madison square garden oh jesus yeah imagine first time on stage no no Madison square garden and you're bombing man i didn't know they do it they do that same format with the madden square

garden uh-huh and it's a hundred percent random people have tried to get people on and Tony won't do it. He's like, no, no, no. That's not how it works. No, we do is we, everybody just signs up and I reach into that bucket and I pull out names and you can't rig it. You can't rig it.

Well, I knew that part of it, but I didn't know they did it in Madison Square Garden. They do it that way everywhere. In Master Square, well one thing they do in Master Square Garden is they have like a legends bucket so they have a bunch of people backstage like Jim Norton, you know, Big Jay O'Cerson. A lot of people

did it when I was there, David Tell, and then they pull it out, and then David Tell come up and do a minute of stand-up, and everybody goes crazy, or do five minutes or whatever. But he makes it so that even if someone is terrible for the first time, it's only a minute, and then you have Shane Gillis and whoever else is next to him making fun of it for, you know, the next 15, 20 minutes, it's going to be fucking hilarious. And it's also you get to see like, oh, this is a crazy thing to do, like this idea. just going to stand up in front of people and talk and hopefully it'll be entertaining yeah right and sometimes it just goes horribly wrong and everybody's like boo you're like ah

yeah oh yeah yeah i know it's probably yeah not always everyone was pretty cordial but but i could see it going well those new yorkers don't fuck around man if you start you start bombing a little bit they smell blood yeah no i did i did a uh i am my very first time ever in new york city was a catcher rising star you know old old old school club i go there and i had it was like it was pouring down rain or snowing sleety snow rain i i remember i took my trunk in a taxi and i i i never been to new york city in a club and i go in there's like eight people and oh fuck and so the guys like you know what do you bring me up and i i wheel my shit up i go but i don't it's not even bombing it's worse than bombing it's just like never have nothing from a laugh nothing really yeah and i'm doing

like my a shit you know literally i promise of my god i mean i've got like you know the ice tray with the level so you don't put you know and it kills everywhere you know nothing fucking nothing and i just go all right um i so i think my opening line was i have more props and people which i did so i got that got a little lap but not even right i said gee i've got more props and fucking people here nothing I get done I don't even know what to do I'm shaking so bad I said just

there was no comic so I just went alright enjoy the next comic and I put the guy I had my own mic on a thing because I had that anyway I'm like

just tearful walking I just didn't I was gonna leave this shit I'm gonna get out of business right I'm gonna go into comedy this guy walks by he goes

he goes no leave your shit there it's good and he goes up And he, like you said, murders, you know, just absolutely murders. Eight people. It was like a stadium of people laughing.

And I'm like watching this. I'm like, holy fuck. It was Dennis Leary. Oh. And he, I mean, leveled eight people. I couldn't believe it. And I walked off and he came, he walked off and he said, hey man, I said, I was unbelievable. He goes, no, that shit, your shit's fucking amazing.

But the thing with the, he was serious. He said that, whatever, the cowboy boot with the kickstand. Fuck, that's great. Whatever it was I was doing? And I'm like, was he like, fuck him with me? Because I ate shit and he was, no. But I've never forgotten to tell him that again. If Dennis Larry watches this show, that was the most coolest thing a comic ever did to me.

Just gave me a big hug. He said, you were fucking great. That crowd sucked. I said, the crowd didn't suck. He just murdered him. They didn't like me. Well, it's a small sample group. He said, you were great.

You were great. You're bombing in front of eight people. Yeah. It's pretty easy to bomb in front of eight people. It was horrible. It happens. That was one of the great things about the store is that you would get those eight people crowd sometimes.

The early days of the store, you would go up, you know, if you got like an 1130 spot on a Tuesday night, you might go up in front of eight people. That can happen. Yeah. Because you probably won't really get on at 1130 because a bunch of people stop in and do sets. So by the time you get up, it's probably like closer to one. I've been there. Yeah.

But those shows show you what's bullshit. shit. They show you, there's something about a small crowd shows you what, what you're saying is nonsense. You know, like, sometimes you have to, like, figure it out. You have to, and the brutal thing about comedy is you kind of really have to figure it out in front of people with the openness of failing, right? Like, here's the thing. It's like, one of the things about jujitsu, when you learn jujitsu, it's really important to not be afraid to tap. Because if you can just open your game up and not be afraid to tap and tap. You can learn more

because you don't do it tense and you do it more playfully and it doesn't mean as much to you when you get tapped. It sounds totally counterintuitive. But if you can just relax and not use your ego, not try to win

every session, just try to figure out why you're getting caught and figure out how to avoid it and but don't be worried about tapping. Just tap. Tap whenever you get caught. and then just let your ego deal with it and then learn and move on but you have to experience that you have to get tapped you have to get dominated like you have to figure out like what's good and what's bad and i think that's the same thing kind of there's a element of that in comedy too you got to like possibly fail with this idea yeah like i'm gonna throw this out i have this is half cooked this is a half this is a weird idea that i have i'm like am i crazy like do you think Is this where we're going as a society? Is this where we're going as human beings?

And there's something there and I'm trying to find it. Yeah. But I got a risk not finding it. That's the only way you find it. Because there's writing on stage that you only get, there's certain lines that only come to you when you're willing to step out on stage. But you got to, you might fucking bomb. You might eat shit. You might have to transfer out of that.

It's like you have to, it's a balancing act. You might, this bit might not work at all. And then you might have to immediately figure out how to segue into something guaranteed so you can get them back. Oh, yeah. I do the same. Absolutely. But all my shit, I think, is full cooked. I think I'm out there that I, this is good.

This has been marinating for a while. And then I'm going to eat shit. You're like, fuck. Yeah. That was a good bit. Damn it. For me, it's. Or one night it works right.

And then the next night. I just did a joke last night. They killed the night before. Nothing crickets. I'm like, what was the same? Do you say it the same way? Do you record yourself? Yeah, I never listened to it.

Yeah, but that's the thing. I said it a little differently. I've fucked up before what I didn't realize I fucked up and I said something wrong and I didn't realize I said it wrong until I listened to the recording. I'm like, oh, I couldn't because I'll fuck words up sometimes. I'm sure. And just like I do. I talk too much.

You know, I really do. I talk way, way too much. So my brain is just like on autopilot talking sometimes. Well, I know it's different if I don't say it right. I'm saying if I say it the same, one night it gets a great laugh. So next night, I doesn't. I'm like, I don't, I didn't do anything differently. Yeah, but I mean, that's what I'm saying is like you, you got to listen to it.

You got to listen to it to really hear because there's a lot of times where you'll say something just slightly different and that's slightly different makes all the fucking. Well, but then I had one, this is the one last way. It's a brand new joke. There's a big billboard in Vegas and it's for the Sahara pool and it's got this beautiful woman on it. It's a big, beautiful hot chick. and it says, meet me at the pool. So I put it up on the big screen.

I said, this is my favorite billboard. Look at this. Meet me at the pool. It's hot girl. And I said, then you get there, and it changes to a big gay pool party. It was like 75,000 dudes. It's just a great picture.

So I did it last night. Got a laugh, but not like, it should have gotten more because it's like, then you get there and you're like, Ava? Is anyone's, Ava? You know, she was here earlier. She's probably buried under all that cock or something. last night it just killed

I mean almost for a minute they're still laughing and applauding I'm like I didn't do anything different it was just the mood of that audience that does happen too maybe it was like you were doing better before that so you had more momentum maybe yeah sometimes I never I'm just flat I don't have any momentum

you know he had some moments I just go up I've seen your show your show in Luxor was really fun I saw it God it's been it's been a few years I gotta check it out now but I've had a bunch of my friends Come to Vegas and see your show. It's very fun. It's fun.

Thank you. And Tuesdays, I do it in Spanish. It's actually... Oh, do you really? You speak Spanish? No. How dare you, son of a bitch. Tom Seguer does that.

It would be great, though, to do a car. It's a Spanish night. I come back. Hey, so, Tom Seguerra, who looks totally white, speaks fluent Spanish and does stand-up in Spanish. I'm going to do a little tour. I'm going to see him. How many dates did he do, where he did...

You're going to do your mom's house? Yeah. Do his podcast? Awesome. Or Two Bears 1K. Which when you're doing? I'm doing... I'm doing with his wife.

Oh, yeah, that's your mom's house. Yeah. They're both real fun. I love her. Bert's a great example. Bert's a great example of what we were talking about. One time we were at the improv, and Bert did this joke, this new joke, the first set, it fucking killed. And the second set, it didn't do nearly as well, and he was confused.

And I had seen both sets. And I said, oh, no, it's because in the first set, you said, like, he was at the first set. You said, like, he was at the, excuse me, he was at the supermarket. I know this is already on a special or something. I wouldn't say it. It was like, he was at the supermarket, and he was standing there talking to his wife. He's like, God, it's so cold in here. And she looks at him, and she goes, you are so fat.

And he's like, what? She goes, your dick is hanging out. Like, he didn't realize that his fly was open. He goes raw dog everywhere. He goes raw dog. He's got no underwear on and his zipper's undone. It's like, but the joke was the way it was like she had said it that way. Right.

Like you are so fat. Like that you can't see your dick. So the first show, he nailed it. He nailed the cadence. And the second show like something was off and he forgot to say one part of it. And I had remembered it from the first show. Like it's weird. You know, you got to listen.

You got to listen because it's painful. You hate listening to your own voice. It's gross. You already know the jokes. You're like, shut up, fuck up. I know. I'm so tired to listen to you talk. But you have to listen to it because if you don't, you're not going to figure out how to do it the best way you can. Real?

I think. No, I think that's a great. But there's a lot of people funnier than me that don't do it that way. I really ever want to see myself again. Yeah. Everybody's got their own process. I know some guys who are really funny that don't record any other shows and they don't write it. at all. They just go up a lot

and they have ideas and they work them out on stage. And they're really, really funny. Yeah. I'm kind of in that with more of my stand-up than the prop shit I build. But the stand-up I kind of just, I have like a little bullet point. I don't write it out.

When you do prop stuff, like how do you even come up with ideas? Like, what do you, do you like sit down with like a whiteboard and go, what can we do with? No, I'd never have written I've never sat down and said, I'm going to write today. So how do the gags, like, come to you?

They come just like, a lot of them happen by just in a conversation or a story or something. Sometimes I'll see a prop, or a prop meaning, it's not a prop yet, it's just a thing. A toilet seat. Or I'll see a thing. And I'll go, there's something funny about that, you know.

And I think about it. And then I go, oh. there was I was at a Home Depot I mean I made this like yesterday I haven't even done it I've never even tried this yet I'm gonna do it on Tony tonight I never done it ever but I think it's funny guys get drunk and they punch walls all the time right because my friend I had a friend backstage I said what happened your hand he's like oh yeah fuck I said what'd you do he's like I punched a wall I said you punched a wall I'm like you the fuck and I just thought I said I thought this should be a stud finder like because he hit a stud so I said this should be a beer with a stud finder so you can find that right for your drug you fucking bitch and you yeah so I made it so it looks incredible but it's it's so silly but it's it will be a crowd pleaser because it goes beep beep and you're fucking bitch you can't you have to hesitate you can fuck your hand up but so that sometimes they're that way sometimes I just

it'll come to me. I don't know. I had a... I was watching a cartoon, I think, years ago. There was these paper cups and string in the telephone, and they were in a tree. Hey, Susie, and you know, what's going on, Bobby? And I'm watching it, and I'm like,

this is an old version of the cups. We need a new version, right? Because that's just two cups. So I said, we have to have another cup that comes out for call waiting. And it was like, that was my free bird. I mean, I did that. I came up with, it was my closing bit, you know, I'd hold someone in the front row.

Hey, what's your name? They go, hey. And I said, you seem so close, you know, the strings and she's holding it. And I said, what's your name? And she said her name. And I say, hold on, I have another call. Hello? I got to call you back.

I'm talking to whoever she was, Tracy. And it would just murder because no one would expect, you know, call waiting to come out. And it was, you know, right when call waiting came out. So you had a second cup. And then I had three cups for conference calling that came out of that. So it was like, boom, boom. conference calling then I'd throw it

I'd say call forwarding and I'd throw it and then I had a clear cup that was for caller ID I said I know you're there pick up I can see you so it was like it was like a bam bam bam bam

bam you know really good prop that turned into like a like a routine it would be funny if you tried to say those things today people would like

what no no no that's like isn't that's a no that's a carrot classic I call them once that are like

you know I do a thing sometimes in the show where I do care of classics. Yeah. I said, this is the stuff for people that grew up with me in the 90s. This is, you'll remember some of these. And I do like the ice tray that has a level.

And it's great. The biggest laugh comes when I go, half the crowd doesn't know what a fucking ice tray is. I mean, that gets the biggest laugh because no one has an ice tray. But the thing's still funny. They're like, oh, that's, I get this clever. Don't people still have ice trays? Well, if you live in a, yeah, if you live in like a trailer. No, regular houses of ice trays.

Yeah, where you pour water into the trees. ones now with the big cube ones. Yeah, if you don't want an ice machine in your refreezer thing, you can just get... So maybe that joke's still relevant. I think it's normal. I think it's... I have fucking ice trace. I have ice trace, too. I use them sometimes, I think.

But see, when you're going to put it back in, you've got to leave it. Yeah. But there's certain things that people just like pagers, make a pager joke today. They're like, what? That's great. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I remember when I... Technological jokes, like if you think about like jokes about technology when you date them it's so weird i used to have a joke

about texting i'm like why are you making me read i'm like call me you're on a phone it's the best way to communicate yeah call me like why are you making me fucking read this is so weird i'm like it takes you four presses to get an s because that was back where people would send you a text no right right which you had yeah i know a flip phone rather yeah we had to make a seven upside down in a page or hello it was the most annoying people that would want that's so great why are you making why are we doing this It's so dumb, and I would just call them back. You couldn't text Joey Diaz. He would yell at you.

He would fucking... He'll text you now. But dude, for like seven, eight years, Joey would fucking yell at you. Joey was the last one to get a cell phone. He had a page. I was the last one to get a phone, too. I didn't get one.

Joey had a pager until, like, the year 2000. That's great. I was a little more than that. He fucking kept that pager forever, man. And you'd have to call his fucking pager. That's great. He was a wild boy. He was fun.

He was just such a fun dude. But if you did not call him, he would get angry. He goes, I'm insecure. I want to hear your fucking voice. Why are you fucking leaving text messages? Making me fucking text you like a little girl. What are you doing? Him and Red Band would get into it because Red Band loves texting.

So Red Band was like one of the first guys to text. He would text you back in the days. You know, when you have to press it four times to get an ass. And then I remember people got those. those sidekicks. You remember, you're the coolest. Yeah, yeah. The other sidekick is in a keyboard. Remember that? Yeah. And some of their sidekicks got hacked, right?

Didn't, like, Paris Hilton again, didn't some cooter pictures pop up because her sidekick got hacked? Something along those lines. Something like that. It was something like hacked. It was probably from that. Or something happened where people like stole their sidekicks and got, something happened. Wasn't there something about that? Some sort of a privacy concern with the sidekicks back in the day? I mean, I don't know about, uh, yeah, there's a group that claimed they broke in their, or sidekick, yeah. Yeah, there's also, there was, like, strategic releases of stuff back then, like, when they would accidentally have a photographer looking at their vagina as they got out of a car. Like, you don't notice that photographer on his knees with a camera pointing up.

That's so crazy. Nobody has a camera pointing up. So weird. Yeah, like, come on. That guy would go to jail. That's probably illegal. Probably illegal and meanwhile you don't have any underwear on that seems crazy like why why do they have pictures of your pussy on the internet on purpose Did you do that on purpose? You did, but it's really it's smart. Yeah, I mean if you want to market yourself and just get more popular so more people know your name it worked right? We're talking about them right now. Yeah, but that was like a brief moment people don't remember Pussygate because there was a time where these high level celebrity type people were accidentally showing their pussy whoopsies here's my pussy

it's just out there in the breeze just nothing but a curtain over raw pussy out there in the wild at clubs at fucking award shows

wild pussy I said I never say that word on stage ever pussy? Yeah because of Prince out of respect

out of respect for Prince that's great no I just never have and I think it was last night not last night for last I don't know what was the crowd was just I don't know they were crazy and I don't know someone yelled something out and I I said well wait I got no I said I'm gonna just do I did a horrible problem it was a it was a bud light bottle you know you know like one of those metal ones I had these these legs put on it like that and it's hilarious looking I said I made a bud light so guys will drink it again

And the guy's like, someone would yell out, I don't get it. I said, it's pussy. Like, how do you not get the joke? It's two legs spread. The beer goes like this and the legs go. I said, see, you're eating pussy. And it was just like, the crowd was like, a carrotop can't say pussy. Like, what?

They just didn't. I said, no, it's okay. I said, no, no, no. Are the kids in the crowd? And don't say it again? No, no. Don't say it again? No, they're thinking, don't say it again.

I said, no, pussy, you can say it. I said, now they've said that. though we've topped it i mean right you can't top once you say pussy you can't top it so they're like oh they laughed i'm like you know now fucks nothing you know i said pussy so we've reached the plateau of raunchy at the show the caretops show because yeah it's more silly i mean there's an edge but do you there's an edge to it but you swear whenever you feel like it yeah you just it's yeah i don't need to yeah but i do it for some parts that i don't need to no but i never say pussy fun swearing's fun people that don't want you swear you swear

that always makes me that was like the Bill Cosby thing he was always angry at people swearing I remember that Richard Eddie Murphy that's one of the greatest bits He says yeah Do the people laugh

Yeah Do you get pain Tell Bill to have a coke and smile and shut the fuck up Because you can hear it In Pryor's voice No yeah You know great

That's yeah He's brilliant right Brick Pryor Oh my God Just brilliant Oh my God My parents took me to see him Live in the Sunset Strip

When it was in the movie theater I was like 15, 16 years old. That's great. It was incredible. I couldn't believe how funny it was. I will never forget this. It was the first moment where I realized, like, what stand-up can do. Because this guy was on stage and just talking, it was the funniest thing I'd ever heard in my life, ever.

I thought about all the movies that I had seen that were really funny movies. And I was like, there's nothing that's funny. And this guy is just talking. Yeah. I was looking around the theater. I'll never forget this, man. And there was people just going like this, just throwing their body up and down while they're laughing, holding their body. Like, oh my God, oh my God, just dying laughing.

I was like, this is incredible. He's just talking. It's incredible how funny this is. That's a groundbreaking special. Yeah, when you're 15, you're like, no way. This is insane. And you're right. And seeing people like you said physically laughing like that.

Falling down. You don't see that often. dying like they couldn't handle it like i did a i opened for steve harvey one time in birmingham alabama and uh i get there i set up all my stuff and i never met him this is years and years ago i had like a trunk you know i didn't have the had like 30 props and a third of them were really good you know i kind of just opened i get there and i do i do the first thing and oh and steve says to me you know you ever worked a black crowd I was like, no, like all black crowd.

I said, no. I was performing in front of black people. He said, no, no, no, all black crowd. I said, well, it will it be all black crowd? He said, oh, yeah, all black crowd. I didn't know. They would go one way or the other. He just said, if they stand up and they start going, they're not leaving.

They're standing up when they laugh. I was like, anyway, I go out there and I do okay for a bit. Then I did one. I don't know what it was, but they all got up. And they were like, it looked like they were leaving, but they were, that's how they were, like you said, they were just rejoicing. And they're like, ah, and I just, I never,

I couldn't believe it. And I came off and he's like, nice, nice set. And I'm like, that was so much fun. They were so into the show. And I said, I don't know how he was going to follow that because I did really, I did really good. That's his crowd. I really did grow.

I thought to myself, he's not going to, you know, That fucker, that guy, you know, he's, well, Steve is? Sure. I know it was his crowd, but paint was peeling off the club. It was so loud. It was so piercing loud in there. And that's another again. I thought, I'm not in comedy.

Whatever I'm in, I'm not in that. When he did kings of comedy with Bernie Mac, that was like Bernie Mac and his prime. Bernie Mac, brilliant. Oh, my God. I love Bernie Mac. Bernie Mac is so funny. He was so powerful on stage. Just like, sometimes you see him.

someone performing it's like no yeah everything his eyes alone just is this punchlines charisma yeah pop yep yeah pop he just was funny there's some dudes that just know how to just to hit it just right yeah yeah he was that way oh my god it was so funny i mean that whole era tour that's kind of interesting that no one's done that since right there's been like the kings of comedy and there's blue collar right there haven't been really a lot of those movie tours like that there has hasn't been because they were tours and then they made films right right Kings of comedy how many films did they make they made at least one right yeah how many Kings of Comedy specials did Kings of Comedy make so then Blue Collar did a

couple right two or how many did they do they did quite actual specials yeah but they toured like crazy tour like crazy but they did specials and they all went on to tour too yeah but there hasn't been like a one There hasn't been right. No. Interesting. It's funny. But it's also like everybody's already touring.

This is like there's more people doing arenas now than I think have ever. Ever. I mean, it's unbelievable. It's weird. But it's what we're talking about. Joe Coy came to my show about a month ago. Joe Coy's killing it. He's always doing these gigantic places.

He just said to me, he was just backstage of his family. And he said, I'm just casual. He said, he said, what are you doing on, you know, February of something? I said, I don't know, probably working. He goes, ah, since have you come, Sophie? Because I'm like, oh, what's going on at sofai? He's like, me. I said, you? What are you going there for?

He's like, me, like, to perform. I just, it just blew me away. I'm like, you're playing sofai? Yeah, he's been doing a rea years for years. He started sold out. Yeah. I'm like, and he's so casual. Yeah, I come to Sofi.

Like, he's going to go see the stone. He's like, no, I'm going to see me. I mean, fuck. Nate Bargatsi's another one like that. He's doing arenas everywhere. And he's just super normal, casual, hang out with him. This is the stadium. Football Stadium.

Which one's doing the football stadium? Joe Coy and Gabriel. Damn. Oh, that's a great one-two combination. Yeah. That's a great one, too. Yeah, you can't go wrong. Fluffy does L.A. by himself, right?

Doesn't he do the Dodger Stadium by himself? Yeah. Insane. Insane. Yeah. Fluffy is a giant following. I remember when we were at the Ice House, he had the record for the most amount of shows sold out in a row.

And they had a plaque on the wall. Look at these guys. Holy shit. So-Fi Stadium. God damn. That's nuts. Yeah, man. They're killing it.

I'll be playing at crackers on... Shane Gillis is killing it like that. Tony's killing it like that. She just did the Notre Dame Stadium last night. Who did? Shane, opened up for Zach Ryan. at Notre Dame. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. That's incredible. That's incredible. Holy shit. Woo. It's fun time. Fun time for comedy. Bert's doing giant places.

Seguer is doing giant places. It's really wild. It's wild to see. Yeah, I'm going to meet him on Monday. Which one? Tuesday. Which one? Tom.

Oh, you never met him? I don't think so. Oh. I don't think so. You'll love him. I don't know if I think I've met him or not. I don't know. He's like a hundred.

Like 187 pounds now. Oh, really? Dude, he was at the club. Did you see him? I can just tell him from the photos. He looks so skinny. Dude, he looks great. He looks great.

He was at the club the other man. I'm like, dude, you look fucking great. I go, what do you weigh? He goes 187. He has been 187 since he was, like, in high school. Oh, good for him. Yeah, but he's like healthy. He's not like a Ozempic.

That was just had a good joke. Gaff again. He makes me laugh. He said, I don't know my immediate. and great and my fan said to me oh you look you look uh are you okay and i get that like oh i'm okay yeah you okay he says yeah i'm fine why he says you look sick he's like no i no i just lost weight and she goes oh zempic he goes no not ozempic i'm on the other one but he it's like if you if you if you're if you're if you're if you're if you're if you're

if you're skinny you're on ozepic can anyone be happy with anybody just looking good you know No one. No one's happy with him. God, you look good. What are you on? No, I'm not nothing. The only time you're going to find people that are happy when you're doing good is if they're doing good. So if they're going good, then they get to say, hey, Karen's up.

You're looking great, man. You're looking great because they don't feel threatened. Yeah, you look good. So some people do. They feel threatened by other people doing well. And so they don't, they want, oh, Zempick. Yeah. You know what I would die if I took a song.

There's no fucking way that that guy has the willpower to lose that way. Right, yeah. He's a pussy. Right, right. And then they feel better. They feel better about themselves. Yeah. Because their life sucks.

Interesting. Yeah, and that's a lot of people. That's a giant chunk of the population. That's why you're not supposed to read social media comments. I hear my friend's day. I'm like, I look at her. I said, maybe she's just taking care of herself. Maybe she's doing, she's eating apples and doing yoga.

Fuck who knows. Also, some people, it's really going to help them. You know, if you're 600 pounds, that's probably a good idea. And what my friend was telling me, my friend Brigham was telling me, who actually runs a pharmacy. He's like, the issue is the dosage, first of all, that people are getting these enormous doses and, you know, variable by body weight,

they should probably be getting a much lower dose. And he's saying they're showing now that if you mix it with certain peptides, I think it was IGF1. Is that what he said? I think he said IGF1, that if you mix it with certain peptides, it eliminates the muscle loss and the bone loss.

And so what you do is if you get on one of these things, If you're overweight, you're really struggling, and you just need something to just get you back on track. The idea is that you could get on this and then use it as like a kickstart to a healthy lifestyle. Okay, now you've dropped 30 pounds. You feel much better, right? Okay, you've been eating really good, right? Now, let's get off this fucking nonsense that you're on that's making you lose your appetite. And let's now just maintain your body weight and just keep eating healthy and it'll go off.

Like, if you just do it the right way, it'll, you'll continue to progress. You know, you don't have to stay on that stuff. No, it's good. Long term is kind of sketchy. Like, I don't know, what are you doing to you? It's like, what is the actual GLP1 chemical? What, or whatever you want to call it, medication? What does it actually do?

What does this peptide actually do that makes you lose your appetite? Because that's essentially what it's doing. It's supposed to just to curb your appetite, right? Which is the last thing I ever want to hear about. I fucking love appetite. I love you. Yeah, I love to eat. I love to eat. I am appetite. Yeah, we got them in the airport here. It's all people, my sister was out. Where's the best barbecue place? Barbecue? Yeah, dude, I don't want to lose my appetite. You can go, fuck yourself. I love appetite. Um, so regulates appetite by acting on the brain's hypothylamas to promote feelings of fullness and satiety. And by slowing down the rate of which food leaves the stomach, gastric emptying. It'll also influences the brain's reward system, reduces cravings for high calorie food, and dampening the motivation to eat. These combined effects contribute to a reduced overall energy intake and a longer lasting feeling of fullness after meals. I think it's like everything else, man. You could probably use it responsibly, and it can probably help you if you're really obese. But I think

there's way too many people that are hopping on it that just need a little discipline. Just get a little discipline. But that doesn't mean that some people shouldn't use it, right? And if they can figure out how to do it right with like peptides, then okay. Maybe it's a healthy way for you to get into a good lifestyle. But the real thing is get healthy. That's the real thing. Right. I think it's predominantly made for people of diabetes, I think, but then they found out that it would help people that were obese. Which like you said, you know. And it's a huge moneymaker. Oh, you're kidding me? Everyone's, yeah. Making some money off my stuff. I just eat and throw up. That's what I did. But see, that's not, that's one that I don't have a problem with people making money off of. It's like, I don't have a problem with them making money off of any of them. Let me be real clear. But this one, it's like maybe like overall benefit, if done correctly. For people, there's so many people out there that are fucked, man. They're 500 fucking pounds.

And they don't know how to stop. And they go to counseling. Oh, you see the shows they have on those on their arm. They think about getting their stomach stapled. And it is an addiction just like gambling, just like anything else. You need some help sometimes. Yeah. And maybe that's what they need.

A little boost. Just something, something to fucking get you out of this terrible state and move you into a place of healthy. And then you'll feel better. This is a problem with like, you'll think better. You'll be nicer. You'll have a better life. You'll have more energy to do the things you like to do. There's no downsides to being healthy.

There's zero downsides. No. You know, the only downside is it sucks. It's a lot of hard work. But once you get there, once you get there, the feeling of satisfaction of having accomplished something, like getting your body into a condition where it's, like, healthy. And you can do stuff. You can, you know, take a fucking yoga class. You can do crossfit.

You can do stuff. It's physical. It works well. Or just get implants like I did. It's a lot. There was this one guy who got, like, the most implants. Oh, I know. Anybody, the human Ken doll?

Have seen that guy? No, that's really creepy, isn't it? Someone needed to talk to him a long time ago. Like, Mike, whatever you're doing? Slow down, Mike. Mike, slow down. Mike, you look crazy. I don't know if you got a mirror in your fucking house.

Yeah, no, God damn. But that's the thing with people, when they start doing that kind of stuff, they don't know when to stop. Yeah, no. And it becomes addictive, you know? Just like eating becomes addictive or gambling. You could get addicted to just fucking with your face. That guy, there he is. Oh, damn.

He's got a back implant, tight. $21,000 to do a back implant. It does look like he's got crazy lats. I'd be like, that guy must be a rock climber. Right? If you saw that, that guy's jacked. Look how jacked he is all the way down to his wrists. And you're like, hey, why are those wrists on that body?

That's crazy. Something's wrong. Something's wrong. You know what I mean? It's like, it looks great for like whatever it is. The boobs are odd. But there's some part of your brain is like what is going on. Does he have fake abs too?

I don't know. Those are great fake abs. If those are fake abs, let me see that again. When there, it looks real. That looks normal. But one of the ones that you just showed earlier, look like, okay, are those is real abs? Because if you could get those abs, if those are real, like, you could have done the whole thing. You could have done the whole thing, fell.

Like, somebody just needs to get you lifted wings. You didn't have to do that. I'm afraid to admit to what he's gotten done. I'll see if he admits to it, right? Oh, yeah. No, I think that's his whole thing. Yeah, he's letting everybody know. It's not like he's like, nope.

God just keeps blessing me. Under the knife more than 190 times. Oh, that's normal. For over 340 procedures. Well, that seems totally sane. Hey. Just how many, what is it like? What kind of damage are you doing to your body?

Just going under a hundred. 90 times. 1090 times he went under? Starting at age 18. Whoa. As soon as he got out of the house. Fuck you, mom and dad. Yeah, I'm going to, I'm got orange cones around his bed.

I'm getting lats. I'm getting fucking lats. He doesn't, but he looks like he's a small frame guy. Exactly. You get down to his wrist. You're like, that guy's a furbrous. This is insane. The wrist was weird.

Yeah. Like. It's not admitting abs saying he did everything else. Oh. Let me see. Yeah. I'll just look. Okay.

Well, if that's true. and it may be true. They might not be able to do abs back then. I don't... I think they... I know they do that sculpting thing where they sculpt the fat away and it makes it look like...

There is a... I have a guy... Those look like they don't look like that guy's abs. I have a guy... Those look pretty good. But that the other guys... Oh, that's that crazy guy. That guy's had a lot of those things, too.

So that's fake abs. Yeah, those look real. A little more real. But that, like I'm saying, like if somebody just talked that dude into lifting weights, hooked on the look. I think those are his real abs, which are pretty good. Like, he could have got a tight swimmer's body instead of what he did.

Oh, Jesus. And also that sculpting thing, which it's not an implant, you know, but they, like, dig them out with... Yeah, they expose, they cut all the fat away, so it exposes more of the abdominal area, abdominal sculpting caratone. I think I had that tomorrow before Sigura. Tight. You're going to have to get drained, though, and you don't have these tubes out of the sides. Leaking pus because you just had a wound but they cut your fat away because you want to look better in a bikini I like I yeah no I have to do is just work out Jesus Christ people do a crunch your body is who you are right

if you have like a little bit of a gut it's because you've been fucking off that's just it you live a good life this is who you are let it go you're living good you got a little gut if you don't like it lose weight yeah I just don't know if you need ozampic maybe somebody does like you said someone that's really obese probably would help them dude we're just

about four or five years away from there being able to genetically engineer you anyway they're going to be able to like eliminate all obesity obesity is going to be out the window probably at least with people who have the money

for the procedure they'll probably just fucking lay paste around your body the fat will burn away and you'll fucking coming out look like Chris Evans probably Captain America

yeah that's gonna happen dude it's gonna happen yeah it will they're already doing weird stuff that's beneficial to people they're already yeah figuring out how to splice genes and turn off like gene expressions that cause certain diseases and they're getting involved in some really wild research when it comes to like manipulate in your genome and once once it really gets good once they really start you know curing certain diseases and figuring stuff out and they can ratchet up

and they can start, they'll start going. Who wants to be good looking? Who wants a giant dick who wants the biggest ass? That's right. Yeah, it's just going to, 100% people are going to all look like cartoons.

We're all going to be cartooning. Yeah, it will all look like that. We're all going to look like Thor and the woman will look like Prime Jennifer Lopez. What happened is the whole world hot? I mean, if everyone's hot. Fun time. It's fair and top.

fun times everybody gets to play everybody's yeah with you met how much it must suck to just unfortunately be born really unattractive you know like there's people that got a terrible roll of the dice in life you know they got weird I'm right here for god's sake you're a normal looking guy dude your normal looking guy's done some stuff but this normal looking people like you and I like elephant Titus man that guy yeah yeah remember that guy of course imagine something like that where you could just completely change it and all of a sudden it looks like Ken. Yeah. Why wouldn't you do that?

No. Why wouldn't everybody get a chance to be hot? What's it going to be like if everybody's hot? Fun. It's going to be fucking fun, dude. It's going to be awesome. Everybody gets to play. I like that.

Yeah, it's going to be fun. Everybody's hot. It's going to be great. And what if they figure out what's wrong with people's brains? Like, oh, we thought that you just had to let people experience life and figure out their issues and make mistakes and maybe go to jail. get out no no no no we can just rewire brains yeah rewire everybody's brain so everybody's like really calm and peaceful and kind and compassionate and you have to sign up for it's the compassionate

program and everybody has to get get the updated software that's great we'll all be super sweet to each other you're gonna have to do it you get his software yeah i have a software update tonight everyone's gonna be nicer and everyone's gonna be nice it's gonna be a human origin they're gonna have all their hair they're gonna have muscles and then all inventions will cease yeah instantaneously we'll never invent a single thing after that there will be no more music everyone's gonna be hot there's no no motivation whatsoever for you to ever like be like prince right you know like prince became prince because he was five foot three and that was the way to get women to love them to be so fucking talented like that people just are

blown away and you're acting like a woman they don't even understand it when they're so hot for you like he hacked the system but you're not going to get that if everybody's hot i met prince a couple times one time i met him he he was still cursing because i was on the tonight show and i was back in that little hallway getting my makeup done whatever and but i already came in makeup so i don't know why that you know i was always ready so i i just walk out the makeup thing and prince was on the show his door's right there, and mine is down here. So I walked over to Jay, and I said, he walked in, and I said, can I, could you introduce me to Prince?

He said, well, you're in the throat. It's going, knock on the door. I said, well, no, I'm a protocol. Rather than you, you walk me in, it's Prince, and to say, hey, you know, he said, I haven't even said, hi to him yet either. He'll come with me. So he said, I'll go after this. He goes to his makeup.

I'm just standing there. Prince comes out of his dress room. He says, where's my fucking tea? and I'm like was that he's my fucking tea and I was like

oh I'll I'll go get it and he closed the door and Jay is right there in that thing I said where's where's Prince's fucking tea and she's like what

I said he just yelled at me to get his fucking tea he's like does he know you're on the no he doesn't know my show he probably doesn't know you're on the show so I went

and got tea and I walked and knocked on the door and he opened it And his assistant opened the door. I said, this is, this is Prince's tea. And he says, he doesn't drink tea. I was like, okay, no. And Prince is looking, he's like, close door to the thing.

What the fuck was that about? I was my fucking tea. I go get tea. So listen, that seems insane. That's insane. It's insane. But it was just awkward. I didn't know what I was supposed to do.

So the next time I'm in Vegas, I'm going to my own room. You didn't talk to him at all after that when you were on the show together? No, he did his thing. I came and he, Jay brings us all on at the end. This is, I would think Prince and Caratop and then of that. And Prince declined to go out for the closing, but you can see it. He's like, we had Prince, Karen. Do you think he was embarrassed that he told you to get his tea?

No, I think he was out of his mind. No, maybe. Maybe he thought, oh, shit, I, no. But he would have said, thank you. you for my tea the girl's like he doesn't want tea i'm like he just asked me for fucking all right that follows along with my theory about that kind of talent i always think you have to be at least somewhat insane or have a relationship you have to have a relationship with insanity which is probably why joined jehovah's witness yeah and decided to stop swearing it's like he wanted

some structure right he's probably had a relationship with insanity probably i'm I mean, he had a, I mean, he had a troubled, you know, we all know that. He was a rough patch there for him. But he, the best one is I was going to my room at the MGM Grand at the top suites, what the hell are called? It's after the show and they have the little girls at the end of the, you know, the check you in at the top. Oh, morning, Mr. Thompson. How was your show? Awful.

And I start walking down the hall and there's this big, big, I mean, big black guy, just standing right in the same. center of the hallway. So I'm walking towards him and I'm like, you know, I'm getting closer to him. So I said, hey, how's he going? And I saw him go like, you know, I can't go by him. So I said, oh, oh, I'm sorry. I need to go to my, he's, you can't go to, you can't go past here. I said, oh, no, I have to go to my room. He says, you're not going by me. It wasn't mean about it, but he says, you're not, you're not going to go by me. And I made a joke like that. I can, I can probably get by you. it being funny I said I can I could probably get by you pretty quick didn't laugh so I said all right I went back to the girl at the front down I said is that guy work here she's like who I said the guy in the hallway no what what guy is it that guy no I said well then what you won't let me go buy him she's like I'll go with you she walks with me I said I brought back up I mean I get this little old lady right I brought back up we're getting through you and he's like uh

sir he needs to go to his room he's like i'm sorry you can't you can't you can't come by me and i just kind of i figured there's got to be something behind him and i kind of just do one of these like well i just got to get and it's prince and he's standing he's only you know he's this this guy's three times his size and prince is standing behind him so i just i say prince and he goes hey i He said, can I go to my room? He goes, yeah. I said, can you tell him? And he goes, to who?

I said, the guy. Like, he's not with him? He said, yeah, let Caratop go to his room. And he goes, he goes one of these, and I walked by him. He's just, Prince is just standing behind this guy in the hall. I don't know what he was doing even. He was just standing there. He was just standing.

Probably writing a new song in his head. Maybe he was right, I don't know, but it was just the weirdest. And he just said, hey, and I said, thanks, He said, no problem. Bro, he's a weird guy. That's why he's so good. Yeah. I just never forget that.

I was like, ah. I don't think anybody gets that good without being really out of their mind. Yeah. You know? No. You've got to be out there, man. He is standing there behind this guy.

That's funny. It wasn't like, it wasn't on his phone. It's a funny thing to do. It was a funny thing to do. Just stand out there with a giant dude in front of you. You just stand there behind him. Maybe he was waiting on a girl to come out of the room. That's all I could think of.

Maybe he just felt like He was just standing there And I look back Thanks Prince He said no problem Karen Remember when he had to use a symbol Because he didn't have the rights to use his name The record label

That's so insane You go back to Billy Joel's song I am the entertainer Like this is that too It's the same thing Music business Fucking with one of the all-time grades I was just reading about Billy Joel

His first record deal He almost fucked everything up He signed everything away for 15 years Oh my God Yeah 1979 Some guys saw him perform that song you're talking about and he's like I gotta we gotta figure this out well Captain Jack

yeah oh wow Captain Jack is a great fucking song have you ever see him do it live no oh but yeah god damn see if you can find an old version god can we play it and like cut it out yeah let's play and cut it out that find an old version of him doing it live from like the 1970s if you can if it's possible yeah there's a whole thing in the documentary right now about Billy Joe were his... Look at this. How quick is this? Where he's...

Ninety-six, Captain Jack from Connecticut, live, 1976. We'll come back, ladies and gentlemen. Now we're back. Going back to... We were talking about music earlier, about... How good was that song? Oh, that's what I'm saying, though.

Yeah. People, we have this... But you, I'm sure everyone has the same discussion about music and da-da-da-da-da. You know, these songs, everything from that area, The 60s, 70s, 80s, is still relevant and amazing. But it's hard to find. I don't know if they just don't play it, too. You've got to find the artists, man.

You got to find the artists. You still go back and I, you know, who do you know. There's a lot of artists out there. I still listen to, you know. Yeah, but there's great guys right now, man. You know, there's jelly roll right now. He's amazing. Oliver Anthony.

He's amazing. Teddy swims. That dude. Do you know who that guy is? Oh, my God. Play The Door by Teddy Swims. What's that? We can't play music anymore.

Just like, we'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. Sorry. But I just want you to listen to this. You fuck with your crowd. You say, okay, now here, this is one of the best songs I've ever heard. Check this out.

Yeah, but people will just go and listen to it. No, you come back and you go, right? Listen to this song. Great. You get it. That's great. Beautiful. Yeah, see, they're out there, man.

Yeah, I know, I know, you just got to find him. I guess when I'm old like me, I just get stubborn, I go, oh, what do you listen to? I'm like, oh, Elton John and Billy Joel, like, what the fuck? I'll give you some shit to listen to. There's some great shit out there. I try to. I just get so, I'm old, so. You listen to Zach Byron at all?

I love Zach Brown, yeah, I love Zach Bryan. I love Zach Brown, too, but Zach Bryan. Oh, Zach Bryan? He's the guy that was at the arena with Shane Gillis. You don't know him? No, I don't, wait, do I not know him? He's phenomenal. He's phenomenal.

phenomenal. And another one of those guys is just like super, super talented and incredible voice. He was in the military man. He was making songs on like TikTok in the military. One of those things like Vine or something like that and that's how he popped. Just like right out of nowhere. That's great. And let him out of the army like you're going to be a fucking star kid.

He was in the Navy. What arena were they at? Notre Dame. Notre Dame Stadium Football Stadium. How many people is in that? I'll show you I mean it's a hundred thousand Is there a picture of them on stage?

A lot, yeah Oh, what is he a picture of them on stage? That's so surreal Yeah Those numbers are so surreal Like look at the size of that That's so crazy It's like deluxe or every night

There's nothing different Basically the same It's the same What's the biggest show you've ever done? Stadium and Florida. What is that? But that was for, it was for their homecoming. It wasn't a, it wasn't a

caratop show. I was, the headliner, but it was a, it was a look at that. That's crazy. Wow. I was so nervous about doing it, too. I can't wait. Oh, I imagine. Well, how could you not be?

Well, my thing with the stadium, because you know, we do, they do a sound trick there but the stadium's empty. And it is, it was, you know, 100,000 people this side was going to be the alumni, this side was the kids

you know all ages now they had of rules you couldn't say you couldn't curse you couldn't definitely couldn't anything sexual

so Mike thank God I brought all this stupid shit it was just you know meant for Kyle is a bong with you know right the open guy goes out

and his first joke is like I mean this chick out right my guy comes running in like dude my boy he's like His opening line was, I mean, this girl, and I said, no, he goes, yeah. I'm like, well, the second guy goes out.

Same thing. He's just, they're beyond rotten, gross, dirty, right? And I'm getting ready to go up, and I'm like, well, I'm going to eat shit now because they're, they're, you know, they went here. But the crowd wanted goofy. They had heard all this. It was actually working in my advantage. They did all this horrible, dirty stuff. The crowd was kind of like, let's get Caratop.

And I came up and I was like, you know, I did my exact thing I was supposed to do. Silly, goofy, you know, both sides, they loved it. But the weirdest thing, I'd love to ask him that, he never played a stadium is you say, you know, hey, and it goes, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, four times. It's a backslap, whatever they call that. Oh, echo? Yeah. So I didn't, in sound check, it wasn't doing that. so I went out and I said I said something like you know Florida I'm from Flores I was like

oh Florida my hometown I said Florida my hometown Florida my hometown oh no and I went oh shit like in my head I didn't know what I was going to do in that split second and I said um I said wow wow one thing cool about playing in the stadium stadium stadium is every time every joke that's bomb is going to bomb four times four times four times and the crowd went like crazy and I said no seriously, that ate shit, eight shit, anything. And it just worked off that echo was great. Well, you figured out how to work with it. Right, right, right. In a split second. I'm like, yeah.

That's the way to do it. That joke sucks, suck, suck, four times. God, imagine not just ignoring the fact that you hear yourself four times. No, I know, and you have to time out, you're right. It was the weirdest thing ever. You're holding up a thing, and you're like, it's a thing with a thing, and you have to hold it longer until they see it to put it down. It's weird. I remember when I used to work at Great Woods Center for the Performer

Arts. It was like a concert venue. And I was there when Bill Cosby was there. And the problem with comedy in that place is that it was outdoors. So the inside of it was all covered. Like there was like an inside space. It was open air. But there was a roof over it and it was all covered. And then there was a lawn area in the back. And they sold tickets for the lawn. But you could only hear the show inside the roofed area because once it got out all the echo fucked it up so bad when it made it out into the lawn you could understand what the fuck anybody said you had to be in there where the speakers were and so everybody was furious they were all complaining like oh they never checked like no one checked to see if you could hear someone talk out that's crazy crazy

these kids today yeah no one know what he was saying yeah dennis coming there I saw dangerfield there he was backstage so backstage when Dangerfield would do shows, he would get high as fuck, he would take off all of his clothes, and he would put a robe on. That's where you go on stage with a bathrobe on, just raw dick and a bathrobe, and with slippers on. And dude, he fucking murdered. I was, I guess I was like 19 years old when I was working there. And he went up there, and I was not even thinking about doing stand-up comedy yet. So I was just loving it just as a pure fan.

I was like, I can't believe Rodney's Dangerfield just hanging. that with a bathrobe on naked because that's what he was known for it in Vegas he'd go around the casino in his robe and I saw it I saw him I didn't see his dick but I saw him go on stage in a bathrobe and that was his move no I you know he did he I saw it he he walked up in his dress room on purpose with it undone I swear to God I said I said hey I said Rodney he's yeah it's my mom he goes hey mom and he just stand there yeah my mom's like Crazy, right? And he meant to.

He looked at me like, how's my mom doing? I'm like, great. And she's like, your thing is hanging. In our dressing room at the club, his wife donated his notes from an appearance on this night show. So it's his handwritten notes, and they're all framed with a photo of Rodney. Yeah, it's pretty cool. One of the things I loved about him, man, is that he introduced the world to a lot of other great comics. He introduced the world to Kinnison.

Hicks, Robert Schimel, Don Herrera, Jerry Seinfeld, a lot of comics did. A lot of comics did those HBO Young Comedient Specials, those Rodney Dangerfield ones. What's what you're doing as well, and Tony is doing that because you give all the comics time on your show, which most shows don't have that anymore, right? Not a lot of the late shows don't. A lot of shows don't. But comics that have podcasts all do this. Right, but I mean, but you made a lot of people. have podcasts now.

You're a powerful person behind this. I think people were going to have podcasts whether I did or not. Giving people the platform, like fucking I'm on, oh, you got me on here. You know, other shows like late night shows don't have comics anymore. They don't. Well, that's so silly. But also, they're just so hampered anyway.

You have to have a book to promote. Because it's all, the whole show was, it was not to knock late night shows because some of them are fun to watch, but it's basically, it's publicity for a bunch of stuff, right? It's like someone's coming on to promote an album, someone's coming on to promote a movie.

Nothing wrong with that, right? But the problem is it's not what the host is interested in, right? And I think the way that those shows are, you're handicapped in a way. Well, you have to get on the famous people. You have to get on the rock star. You can't just have weird people come on. You can't have some guy to work for the CIA come on.

Right. Tell you about aliens. This is what I know so far. But that would be whatever guest, like the third middle guy. I couldn't do that, though. You can't do it. First of all, you only have 10 minutes. Each guest is, like, in and out real quick.

You've barely enough time to scratch a surface of, like, one or two stories. You don't get any kind of deep dive. I guess what I used to do it. I do it. I don't know how many times I did that tonight show, but it was always, I never was promoting anything. In fact, the one time I had something to actually promote, they didn't want to put me on. I said, I'm trying to promote chairman of the board, this movie. And they're like, eh, but.

That's hilarious. Yeah. The one time you wanted to help. I really did. No, I did. I have this movie coming out. Yeah, I remember that movie. Yeah.

They're like, nah, I'm like, I got a movie, Jay. I got a, you know, I'm in a movie. Now, the weirdest one, I would ask you, I was in reverse this to you, who's the strangest, you said strange guest made me think of this, that you've had to do in front of, I'll tell you mine real quick. So I was on the Tonight Show and Dick Cheney was on. And I mean, nothing against, I mean, it's just, it's a chenny and sulfur? Well, I had five. Maybe six props, Dick Cheney props on purpose, right? Because Dick Cheney was there.

No. I had like three just because I'm topical all the time in the show. Oh, so you already have them in my show. But then when they said, Dick, you're going to be on with Dick Cheney, I said, oh, shit, can I do it? And so I started writing more. So I had like six, and I opened with them, right? But the weird poppers, I get there and we're rehearsals at a secret service, everybody's there that, you know, I can't get to my own room. Prince's guys that you can't go by again, no.

So I finally rehearsed it and they're like, the people are like, you know, he's going to be a guest. I said, well, no, that's just what I'm doing it, right? And they're like, Jay's like, you know, I don't know. I said, well, you know, it's very topical. And I think it's funny that he's there, right? So Jay, this is right for the show. He said, is he going to stay or is he going to leave? Because Secret Service is surrounding me, like, going to go grab him and go.

And Jane's like, well, I don't know. I mean, I can ask him. And I'm thinking, well, just between you and me, I mean, this is like behind the curtain. Right. What do you think? Is it better if he's there and I do it and they keep cutting over to him or if he's gone and I do it and I keep looking like, thank God he's gone. What's funnier? And he's like, I don't know.

I mean, if you're fine. I said, I think if he could stay, it would be better because it's really funny. I'm doing it right in front of the fucking guy. Right. So they said, okay. So they go back, he talks, he goes, okay, he's a thing. So he goes back to the desk and they're late in the please welcome me not fun on the and I came on top.

That's a great impression. Yeah. Good friend of the Tho, wacky guy from Vegas. And so I walk out and I do right off. I look over and said, hey, I said, it's funny that you're here. And I pull out, probably can find this, we pull it out and I have a Dick Cheney gun. and it's a rifle with the thing goes this way because he shot the guy in the head.

And, I mean, it's already like, holy fuck, right? And they're like, I found your gun. Oh, sorry, Bill. And it's like, it didn't, the crowd didn't know it first because they're all looking at him. They're looking at him. Yeah. Did he laugh?

He's got that, you know, just pissed, right? So I go, right? And I do another one. I had an operation game, you know, the operation. It had his face. on it because he's always getting off right and i had a book with the thing it was just like five or six big cheney jokes finally i i keep looking over i'm like you know we're good you're not going to have me you're not going to have me audited or i'm going to be killed here

and you know jays now the crowd's really getting and now the chenies look at me like how many more fucking he he even says how many more do we i said i got one more and then we'll move on so i do one more cheney joke now he's kind of he's kind of laughing but still kind of like this is aggravating then I go and I do a piggy bank for gay guys and it's a piggy bank where the slot is in the asshole instead of the top of the thing, right?

It's a great prop. It's a piggy bank for gay guys. Murders. I mean, I did a great set. I get done. I walk over, I sit down, and there's something going on. Like there's a ruckus.

There's like Secret Service, the writers, the producers. And Jay gets up and he's, And I'm just sitting there with Dick Cheney. And the lady comes over and she goes, oh, my God, that was, that was the best that you've ever done. I said, thank you, Tracy. And she said, I look over, I said, thank you for being good sport.

Yeah, it was, where do you find all this? I said, no, I make it. He thought I just found it all. I said, no, I make, where do you find all this stuff? I said, I made it. You made that. It's pretty clever. His daughter is, is there.

And apparently, all those Dick Cheney jokes were fine. but when I did the gay piggy bank she lost her mind like you can't do that no I don't know she she lost her mind like

like really mad that I did a gay piggy bank joke on the show forget I just did five jokes about her father so everyone was taking her out of the studio she was losing her she was screaming and so they took her out of the

studio just the gay piggy bank that's it yeah it was like I can't believe they You, that in front of my father. And I thought you were making fun because I'm doing a Dick Cheney. You know, he shot your dad, Joe. The gay piggy bank is what set her off? It was the gay piggy bank. Is this Liz Cheney?

I think. I don't know. You think it was one of the daughters. I don't know. How many daughters do you have? I don't know. I don't know. How many daughters do you have?

Two? Just two. One of the daughters. Let's just say one of the daughters. I don't think it was. Allegedly. Allegedly. It could have been an imposter.

Could have been an imposter. It was a crazy person, pretend to be one of the daughters. Dick Cheney's daughter Liz are both staunchly against Donald Trump despite being Republicans, but why are Liz and Mary once feuding over same-sex marriage? How are they feuding over that? Let's find out. What's that? I just was trying to add. When was this?

I know you're trying to add, but now I'm curious. Like, what this article is from a year ago? What? A year ago, someone's upset about same-sex marriage? What are they saying? Well, this, I mean, the election... I had another prop that I thought... Hold on. What is...

The election was a year ago, so it was in... It was how to do with that. That's why they mentioned Donald Trump in that. Right. Well, what is the same-sex marriage dispute between... I don't know. Because I need to know. Some people are still arguing about that in 2020.

Okay, and they believe in same-sex marriage. The other one doesn't? It'd be funny, but it was the other way around. Yeah. I was like, I want it to be illegal. Fuck. I don't know which one. We don't know.

I don't know which daughter was I don't I don't either I'm assuming it's probably the one that was gay maybe then maybe it's just like two two daughters just hate on each other It's like well I don't think you should get married I had I had it I had another one that was kind of strange because it was a dumb joke Maybe you think of you said same second marriage so right when gay marriage became legal in certain states. It was like four Right I had a big map a big map that I'd hold up and I say hey gay marriage is now legal And this is a map to show people and it would have these um Right where the states were, there were these little penises on springs, whatever. And it was so, it was just dumb, right?

So I rehearse it, and, you know, the crew is fucking going crazy. They were like, ah, sky, fucking dildos. And, you know, you can't do it dildos on NBC. And so the lady comes over and she goes, you can't, I said, I know. I mean, I think it's silly enough, you know, they're not, they're just on springs. And she's, I would always fight with her. She said, now, so I said, all right, if I come up with a different idea without dicks on it, can I do it? She's like, yeah.

So I thought, I don't know, I'll do. I took the springs off, and I had the guys back there at the Tonight Show print out Ryan Seacrest faces, you know, like four of them. Right. And I put them where the gay marriages. Now, Ryan Seekra is a good friend of mine, and everyone was making fun of him, right? back then oh he's gay and he's not clearly but the joke would be and it killed it's funny so i come back and i go how about this and she's like oh my god that's i said i know him he's not gonna he'll he'll probably text me and say why would you do that jay comes over and goes oh

you know he's really a good friend of mine i said no jay i said he's a friend of mine too he's it's funny it's not it's not anything he's like yeah if you if you if you really if you could just that The dude does not seem hypersensitive. Is he? No. No. But Jay was very protective of it. I said, no, you know, he's the NBC.

That's my friend. I don't think it's necessary. I said, well, I can put like, you want me to put like, like I said, like, Richard Knicks at Dicks or something. He said, no, just get rid of the joke. I said, it's funny. Fuck. We're fighting over Ryan Creas at his face.

That's the problem with, you know, having editorial access to someone's when they're doing a Tonight Show set. It should be like, no. It should be like, look, if you want fucking the Black Crows to play, they sing their song, you know what the song is, you know what the lyrics are, that's fine. But with a comic, you can't tell them they can't do something. Well, they ask nicely.

And, of course, I had 40 other props. I didn't need to do that one. I'm even swearing. Like, what are you doing? You're being silly. It's silly. Like, come on. I did break the law with them once.

Would you do? I was doing a bill. a podium for Bill Clinton and it was the closing bit and I would do the stupid voice to you like I did not and there was this presidential seal on this podium

and had a true false buzzer button and it'd go bing and and it would be it was just so stupid you know like I did not have and you hit the button I did not have I will not raise to e

and then you know I fuck her ding ding ding something I forgot the joke now but the closing punch of the whole thing was right after I'm doing the podium that would kill. I could just stop on that. I had a foot pedal where Mono Gwinski's head would come up

on a beret, literally. This is great. It took hard engineering to do this. And so I'd go, I did not. And then I hit the foot pedal and the woman, the beret would come up and I'd go, not now. That's all I'd just not now.

In the rehearsal, it was just It was the, they were like, that's the best thing you've ever brought here. My God. And I said, yeah, great. Here comes my lady with her new pad. And I said, oh, fuck. She goes, everything is good. Stand us in practice.

I said, oh, and I give her a hug. I said, this is the first time I've come. And everything got approved. And she says, yeah. I went back to my dressing room. I can't believe I get to do this. That's my closing bed. The fucking, it's going to get.

Right before. I'm talking a minute. Before I come in, she walks in, she's like, okay, you can do the podium, but you can't, you can't put her head down. And I said, why, you can't use your hand to force her head down? That's just, that can't, that can't, it can come up. You just can't force it down. I run to the prop department. I said, is there a way you can, because I'd made it?

They don't know my, they're looking at like, I don't know, I made it. Is there a way I can, it can release and go down without? me touching it and they're like I don't know they looked at it and I'm on in five minutes I said fuck it so I do the whole thing I said I did not and the head comes up and I said not now and I use my elbow to put it down and of course the crowd it killed and it would have better if I did this but I said not now I get done I come over and I can see her fucking feeling she comes running over me because they always come and say what a great set oh you did so good Tracy Fiss did She said, that was phenomenal.

I said, I was, Jay's like, oh, do I want to get that? And then I said, the standards and practice lady coming over. Oh, fuck. And I said, I'm in trouble? She's like, I said, I didn't do that. If we go, the show's over. Thank you, but tomorrow night.

Then she comes over. Okay, if I get fired over this. I said, you're not going to get fired over this. Oh, no, they've already bleeped it out on the, on the West Coast. East Coast, it went live. I said, bleep out what? You can't force her head. I said, I didn't force it.

I didn't use my hand. I used my elbow. She just looked at me like, you fucking, like, so clever. I said, well, you said, don't use my hand. So everything was fine after that. But it did get bleeped out. And it just, it went, you know, fuck the joke up because they went, I did not. And then, you know, edited it right to just, good night.

Like, it wasn't a punchline. yeah well you ever get in trouble for something not like that no well this is when i got in trouble i got banned from fox uh i think for life uh for this is for something else this is really weird yeah i was doing the country no billboard music awards and they asked me to do a little bit with chris rock it's chris rock and me and he you know it's it was such great together because He's like, you know, top, you know, and I'm out there, but it's stupid, but Chris Rock is, you know. So he and I go out, we do our rehearsal, and I had like four props or something. And the guy came over, like, in a panic, right, middle of the show.

It's already happened. Our bit's coming up in about 40 minutes. He says, I need you guys to go longer. And Chris Rock's like, I'm, bye. What don't? He said, just come up with something. And I said, well, I can go, I can, I can have my guy go back to the MGM and grab a few more props. That'd be awesome.

Chris was like, yeah, perfect, you know, we'll kill the time without having to change too much. And I can just pull out more shit. I go, and I tell him, I go, go, TV clean, get, get like this, get the thing, the thing, the thing. And then they, one of the seat, the toilet seats. So I added, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a great joke. It was a toilet seat with a seatbelt. So when you eat a taco bell, right? You sit on it and I put it on.

And I, in the sound effect in the show is a Houston, we have a problem. And it's a great, stupid little bit. But there's about 20 toilet seats leading up to that one. I was like, I'm not kidding. I had like 30 toilet seats. And one that held hold women's hair when they throw up. I had one that lights up. I had one with spikes on it.

It's so many. So the last one was the seatbelt, right? So it's very clean, right? does great we walk back and I'm thinking they're going to come high five me

because we just saved the show we added you know we added time they needed the guy's like they

they banned me because I said Taco Bell because it was sponsored by Taco Bell how the fuck am I supposed to know it's sponsored by Taco Bell

that's real shit yeah I'm like I didn't say fuck they said you said Taco Bell. I'm like... Oh, my God.

That's so funny. How do I get fin for that? You thought your band for life. That's hilarious. Because I said Taco Bell. I didn't know. I mean, I'm not the guy. They should have come to me and said, don't do anything with Taco Bell.

Yes. 100%. That's not on you. No. That's a normal reference for a comic. No. That's funny. Yeah.

Not funny, really. I mean, funny now. They would have been pumped if you said Del Taco. Oh, right? Yeah. Go after the competitors. See, if they told me that, I would have. Yeah.

I would have done that. Hey, brother, this was a lot of fun. Thank you for doing this again. It was a lot of fun. And I'm looking forward to seeing you on Kiltoni. And anybody wants to check them out. Karatop is at the Luxor in Las Vegas, Nevada on a regular basis. What's the best way to find out when you're there?

Just text me, yeah. Yeah, Las Vegas. I mean, keratop.com or Las Vegas? Beautiful. All right, my man. Thank you. Thank you. It's a lot of fun.

That was good. All right, bye, everybody. Thank you.