The Joe Rogan Experience - #2380 - Jordan Jensen

Episode Date: September 17, 2025

Jordan Jensen is a comedian, actress, and podcaster. She is the co-host of the podcast "Bein' Ian with Jordan" with comedian Ian Fidance, and host of her own podcast, "RIP Jordan Jensen." Her new comedy special, "Jordan Jensen: Take Me With You," is streaming exclusively on Netflix. Look for her in Bradley Cooper's film, "Is This Thing On?," in theaters December 19, 2025. www.netflix.com/title/81978275 www.youtube.com/@jordanjensenlolstopwww.jordanjensencomedy.com  Don’t miss out on all the action - Download the DraftKings app today! Sign-up at https://dkng.co/rogan or with my promo code ROGAN. GAMBLING PROBLEM? CALL 1-800-GAMBLER, [phone] or visit gamblinghelplinema.org (MA). Call 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY). Please Gamble Responsibly. 888-789-7777/visit ccpg.org (CT), or visit www.mdgamblinghelp.org (MD). 21+ and present in most states. (18+ DC/KY/NH/WY). Void in ONT/OR/NH. Eligibility restrictions apply. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino & Resort (KS). 1 per new DraftKings customer. $5+ first-time bet req. Get 1 promo code to redeem discounted NFL Sunday Ticket subscription and max. $200 issued as non-withdrawable Bonus Bets that expire in 7 days (168 hours). Stake removed from payout. Terms: sportsbook.draftkings.com/promos. NFL Sunday Ticket: YouTube TV base plan (not included in this offer) required to watch Sunday Ticket on YouTube TV. Subscription autorenews yearly at then-current price (currently $378 for YouTube TV subscribers, or $480 for YouTube subscribers); cancel anytime. Terms, restrictions, embargoes and eligibility requirements apply. No refunds. Commercial use excluded. Addt’l terms: https://tv.youtube.com/learn/nflsundayticket/draftkings/. Offer ends 9/29/25 at 11:59 PM ET. Sponsored by DK. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Joe Rogan podcast checking out the Joe Rogan experience train by day Joe Rogan podcast by night all day Jordan hello what's up good I got my legal pad here in case you need to write notes I'm going to take notes on what you're doing right and wrong and I'll give them to you at the end tell me okay so I can figure out what the wrong stuff is to stop doing it I want to fuck with all this stuff. I know there's so much shit. And people keep giving me new shit. I know. I brought a little tiny figurine of a little thing on stage one time and every single meet and greet people give me these little tiny animals and I have this giant collection of them. And I'm like, I don't like these that much. That's the problem is like everybody knows that I keep

a bunch of shit on this desk so people give me shit to put on this desk. And now it's getting kind of crazy where I'm going to have to have a shelf. I had to get a shelf. I got one of those old typewriter keyboard things look i have like mammoth teeth this is a piece of art oh somebody gave me what these cut out of a woolly mammoth tooth oh that's a don't blow it i won't i got one of these a myan death whistle yeah brian ashtack aztec death whistle brian callan blew one right before covid hit i'm not saying he caused it oh but there's a lot of videos saying he caused it i get it i get it that would be a death whistle i think it was technically i I think when he blew it, it had already, like, caught on in China.

Yeah. Unless we're in a simulation. Right. You're the COVID guy. I was listening to your podcast with, what's the woman who got falsely accused? Of what? Of murdering her roommate. Oh.

I was listening to that one. And I, like, fast forwarded it at one moment. And it went from her being like, and then I was in prison for four years to you being like, well, the bat's been COVID. And I was like, how do we get here? Yeah, that was a fascinating podcast. Amanda Knox. She's got a Netflix series out right now where someone plays her, which has got to be super fucking weird. Yeah.

Like someone else plays her in like a dramatization of her getting wrongly accused at 20 years old of a murder where they had all this evidence that this guy who broke into the house fucking murdered her. His DNA was there and they ignored it because they didn't want to admit that they were wrong. It's on Hulu. Hulu, sorry. I don't really get how that happens. Because cops are cunts. Right, but did they not check? Did they not see sperm everywhere?

Oh, no. The guy was like, I fucked her. No, I don't know what he said. I don't know what happened, but I know that they started, they had a narrative. Oh, that he was in on it. No, no, no. They had a narrative that she did it, that she caused the murder. Right.

The guy started with that and he stuck with it. And even when there was evidence that showed that it was, there was a guy in there, and then the guy did it and the window was broken and somebody broke it in the house. And then eventually he came forward and was like, this has nothing to do with her, the guy who did do it. Well, I don't think he eventually ever did anything. No, like she actually had a meeting with him, which is crazy. Like, after the fact, like, forgave him. She's a white girl.

She got tried twice. Twice. I know. The Supreme Court? No, no, no. She got acquitted. Like, she got released, right? And then they retried her in absentia.

So she was in America while they were trying. her in Italy again and then they said she's fine yeah yeah which is fucking crazy like hey how about give her some fucking money also the guy raphaella was in solitary for six months i know i can't fathom that yeah the six months in solitude is so crazy to me one day in solitude and i'm done well i talked to a guy uh that had been in solitary for years what does that mean like you get you shit and piss in there yeah yeah yeah yeah you get no contact You must be scrambling after that. 100%.

I feel like they, yeah, it's got to do some sort of weird brain damage thing where they come out. Well, this guy, Shaka, that we have on the podcast, he's great. Was he normal? Yeah, well, beyond. Like, super smart. He wrote in there, educated himself in there, too. Oh, you can read. You can read in there.

Yeah, you can read. That's good. Yeah, I mean, they don't just give you nothing to, but you do go crazy. You go crazy. Human beings need human contact. Well, it's like when you don't do anything. day and then you get right up on stage. Have you ever done that?

Or you don't talk to anybody and you're feeling insane. It's the worst, the first conversation of the day. It's crazy. Yeah, that's why I always bring friends on the road. You don't want to be like that weirdo in the hotel room by yourself. Yeah, and then you take a nap and the sun goes down while you're napping. That's the worst feeling. When I do that, it feels like I'm haunting the audience.

Like, I'm like, you guys are in a different reality and I'm intruding on where you're at. The weird one is when you wake up and you don't know what city you're in. Yeah, but that's why I got the dog. I was so sick of that feeling. I was so sick of waking up and me, like, I've been abducted. Where am I? This place is nicer than my apartment, so that's good, but where am I? And then I saw my dog, and I was like, oh, we're all right.

That's not the only reason where you got your dog. Yeah, and she rules. She does rule. She's really sweet. She's very cool. She's so cute. How long have you had her? Two years. Oh, that's awesome.

Yeah. Was she full grown when you got her? Tiny. Because I wanted to adopt the mom. Oh. But they were like, hey, the mom just had all this. We didn't know she was pregnant. She just had a litter of puppies.

Well, you take one of these. And I was like, okay. And I had no idea how hard it is to have a puppy. I've had dogs where you adopt them full grown, and it was great. I had this dog named Lucy. She was awesome. She was so sweet. And then I had another dog named Squeaky Fromm that was a real nightmare.

Yeah. She was real, maybe it was because I named her Squeaky From after one of the Manson family members. Oh, yeah, that'll happen. She had squeaky voice. She had been barking so much in the pound that when I got her out of the pound, like her voice was like and then eventually it got normal again because she didn't have to bark 24 hours a day she just had worn out she had worn out vocal cords she had a totally normal bark but I was like oh my god her bark is like a smoker yeah yeah it was like that's awesome like she was horse yeah you don't

know what you're gonna get I mean when I got a rescue I was like I'm gonna get a small rescue so I hope it'll be fine but it was such a gamble everybody was like do not do this yeah we had a doberman once that was a rescue that we had to get rid of he had distemper and And he got really crazy, like in that, like growling at us and barking at us out of nowhere. And I was a little kid. Oh, you're really? And it was like, yo, we got rid of them. We had a dog that ate the foot off of my, we had a pit bull that was a rescue.

And my mom had this, like, woman move in with us who she was dating. And her kids moved into. And my pit bull ate the foot off of the wife's cat. Oh, my God. Of the woman's cat. Oh, my God. And the woman was like, hey, you. You got to, like, choose between me or this pit bull.

My mom was like, yeah, get your cripple cat out of here. And we kept our dog. She didn't give a fuck, dude. She was so attached to that dog. That dog, the amount of times would just, like, kill it. My friend was in the backyard. The dog kills a cat. And my friend's freaking out.

She's like, we have to find the owner. And my mom was like, you will stay quiet. It was crazy. It was nuts. She was obsessed with that dog. That's the only time I've seen her, like, really cry is when a dog dies. Yeah, it's hard They don't live long enough

I can't even think about it You're your best friends I'm I have a dog named Marshall He's a golden retriever He's the best And he's nine now He'll be nine in a couple of months

And it's just like Oh no I've had him since he was a baby Now he's nine I'm like He's only got a few years left And he's so active He's super healthy

He eats great He's fit He's not Is he the retriever? Yeah Oh yeah The small dogs live for him They get to be like 12

and that's kind of it, 13, maybe, 14, and then they're really hurting. It's fucked. It's fucked. Apparently there's a drug that they've developed for dogs, like a longevity drug. I don't know if they've released it yet, but I know that it shows promise and extend dogs' lifetime. Whitney Cummings the other day said that her friend's soul dog died the other day, and she said, when the dog dies, you, like, learn something about yourself that's very important. So I've been holding on to that kind of woo-woo thing.

Like, she's like you kind of show up for yourself in a way you need to. I don't know if I'd listen to Whitney. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She does. She gets a little woo-wooing with her dog. I like how Whitney has something to say about everything, though. Rapamycin. Wrap them on ice.

Take them off. I've heard of rapamycin before because rapamycin is something that Peter Attia is a big proponent of for longevity. The guy who wants to live forever? No, no, that's Brian Johnson. Another study at Texas A&M University showed rapamycin could extend the lifespan of older dogs by up to 20%. Generally, well-tolerated, however, it can cause side effects such as lethargy, lack of appetite. Oh, boy. No, you can't do it.

Is that it? Because I think there was something else. It was like a gene therapy. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. When it came time to make a website, there was no question. that we would power it with Squarespace, from the intuitive design intelligence that helps to create a bespoke

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So, if you're looking to build or even upgrade your current website, check out Squarespace.com for a free trial or go to squarespace.com slash Rogan to save 10% off your first website or domain purchase. What happened to the cloning thing? What happened to CRISPR? They probably already made clones.

But why did we not hear about that? Aren't they cloning sheep and shit? Yep. And then we just stopped hearing about it? Yeah, they probably made a bunch of people already. Yeah, what is that? The people telling you about clones are probably clones. You ever see a person that looks exactly like another person

and then you ask them their name and it's the same name? And you're like, no fucking way. You know the story about those two baseball players? No. Oh, it's the nuttyest shit of all time. These two baseball players look exactly the same, have the exact same name and never met each other, and they both play baseball. Let me see him. Oh, it's bananas, these two guys.

Oh, my God. What in the fuck? Different parents. Why are they wearing the same classes? Their name is Brady Figel, right? So it's not even like a normal name. Yeah, and they both got the same injury. That's how they found out.

They were going to the same doctor. Just imagine your name is Brady Figel, and you meet another guy who's also Brady Figel. You're both six foot four. You both have red hair. They're both really tall. You both have black glasses. You both have the fucking same crazy name. That name is nuts.

Maryland and Missouri is not far enough away. That's crazy. I think they also, once they found this out, they didn't immediately go meet each other. They waited for like two or three years maybe, I think. Oh, if the guy played baseball and I played baseball, I'd be like, bro, we got to hang out and freak people out. They're different ages. I thought they were the same age. Oh, how old?

32 and 27. interesting the first guy must be really pissed this motherfucker stealing my shine that's bizarre yeah but i just remember hearing so much about cloning yeah and then it just stopped well they do it with dogs they do with people's pets like if you want to get your pet cloned you can get your pet cloned that's a real thing now i think it costs $30,000 but then they're cloned at the same age it's no no no no no they're a puppy nice yeah see you get to start from scratch yeah otherwise you'd have like a 11-year-old You keep like bring it back That'd be so mean

That'd be so mean He's got arthritis And diarrhea He's like please let me die For the love of God You waited too long to clone them That's Dude bring it back as a puppy though

We could do that Do you see that movie With Demi Moore called The Substance Okay I fainted in the theater Bro It's so hard Bro that movie is nuts It's nuts

I'm actually very pro That movie Like I love the narrative I love the idea of that when you get all that face shit you're just keeping an old person alive I've tried to describe that on stage so much where I'm like doesn't it bother you that when people are like you look good for your age you're just like hide it

like you're concealing your death layer you know what I mean right right and that movie portrayed that perfectly where it's just a fucking it's kind of ironic that Demi Moore who looks insanely good at 62 played that lady yeah you know because like but I liked that because it showed like even when you saw her weird old lady butt, you were like, that's Demi Moore's nice butt, but I'm still like in awe of the young girl's butt, which is unacceptable.

It's unacceptable. You know what I mean? Like when she was doing the whole dance and you're like, why is this so intense? And you're like, because it's a young person. Right. I think that, did that director do, no, that director didn't do raw, but it was a female director. I don't know what else's director did, but that movie was awesome.

I hit the deck, though. I faint so easily. Do you really? Dude, I just blood and stuff, I faint And I muscle through the gory part And I was like, I'm fucking good Like I can't, I've cured it And then the music, it's like when a movie starts going like

Ha ha ha ha ha like that Like on both sides I'm like a goat dude I got to the bathroom and I passed out I'm in New York just on the ground fainted People are walking over my body They're like a homeless person That's hilarious

That's fucked That's so funny I used to date a girl that when If someone got a needle On the screen she'd faint Yeah, yeah. Just like, it didn't matter where she was. If someone got injected, oh, it's so bad.

Her dad had it, too. My dad has it, yeah. Her dad was a dentist, which is crazy. The dentist makes me faint. When the kid, one of their, her brother got, like, crazy sunburn, like really bad, where he got blisters, the dad saw it and just fucking fainted. Dude, it's crazy. My sister called my dad once, and she was working on cadavers, and she was like, I'm so interested in this. We cut into a cadaver today, and she just heard.

thump on the other line and she was like dad dad he was done dude he's fainted so many times yeah from a phone call that's so wild he couldn't be in our births or anything oh my god that's crazy crazy that's what is that it's called vaso vagal okay but is that a psychological thing because it's obviously like your reaction to a thing i like i wonder if you can temper that somehow here's the problem with it is why I don't I used to think it was psychological like me and my dad pictured things too well like we pictured it the needle going in but vasovago like sometimes I'll be putting an earring in he's just faint yeah like so I think it is everywhere as he don't bounce your head off the fucking linoleum it's so fucked up oh my god neurological well I bet but also triggered by high states of

anxiety right yeah yeah so that's what you would be able to control you wouldn't be able to control the fact that you do faint when you have a high level of anxiety so So vaso-vago response, a sudden overreaction of the body's autonomic nervous system to a trigger such as pain or emotional stress or music that causes a temporary drop in heart rate and blood pressure. There's a whole part of my special where I talk about me and this guy who was also a fainter having sex. Oh, my God. And you both fainted? A lot. Nice.

Yeah. It's hot. Yeah. It was rough. It was rough. Because when you faint, it comes with sweating and seeing white. Like, it's brutal. And you probably hope the man doesn't faint.

Like you can keep it together. Yeah. That would be like a nice thing. Yeah, totally. Like a nice train. He could faint on command. He could think of something you faint. Oh, that's hilarious.

Yeah. That's hilarious. I wonder what would happen if a guy like that got drafted in Vietnam. Done. Faint. That would have gotten. Faint shot. Yeah.

That's it. My dad had a heart attack once and fainted. Call back on one. And I saw him in the hospital. I was like, what happened? The heart attack fucked up your face? And he was like, I fainted on a fence. And I was like, that's crazy.

Oh, my God. Yeah, he fainted so much. And he was a contractor, so he would always have cuts and stuff. And he would be like, no, I'd be out. It was crazy. That's nuts. Yeah, he jigsawed through to his nose one time. Because he fainted?

No, but then he fainted. He, like, pulled the cord, and then it cut through his nose, and then he faints. It's crazy. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I would wear a helmet everywhere if I was that, dude. I just wear a football helmet, just like I'm a fan. That's what we have to worry about all the time.

Like, if I cut myself, it's not about the cut. Like, the stitches or not, it's that I'm about to hit the deck. It's crazy. It's so fuck up. Have you ever fanned it right before you went on stage? Because I would think that's, like, a heightened state of anxiety a little bit, especially in the early days. I've panicked.

Well, another problem is I get, when I panic when I have really bad intrusive thoughts. Like, I was around a famous person recently, and I was convinced I was going to bite her. And I started getting a full panic, which makes you want to faint. But it's a different thing, but both lead to fainting. I knew a dude who was a warm-up guy. You know, he used to do warm-up, and he had a real problem with anxiety. He just would freak out. And he was a comic, and it never worked out for him because his anxiety would just overwhelm him.

And one time, he was warming up for the Cosby Show, and he got this idea in his head that he was going to say the N-word. Of course. And he's like, don't say it. Of course. Don't say it. Oh, the Cosby Show. Yeah. So he's warming up for the Cosby Show.

So he's, you know, basically in the crowd, warming up. Okay, so here in the next scene, Dr. Huxstable is going to come in. And all his mind is telling him is don't say the N word. He's not going to say it. He was never going to say it. But for whatever reason, he was overwhelmed by this fear of saying the N word in this like very, you know, predominantly black audience. And he completely had a meltdown while he was doing warm up. Where he was panicking.

Full panic attack. With my special taping, I thought I was going to hit somebody with a stool. Mine is violence. I think I'm going to bite. I think I'm going to, yeah, totally. Or on airplanes, I'm worried. I'm going to pull the exit thing off all the time. Mine is very violent or the person next to me I'm going to bite down on.

That's probably a better response than like shrieking and falling to the ground. I know, but I was the famous woman. I was like, I don't want to be the biter. But you wouldn't bite her. And then, I know, but I thought. But I had so long to obsess about it. Can you tell me who it is? It was Laura Dern.

Really? You thought you're going to bite Laura Dern? Isn't she an admiral in Star Wars? I love her so much. But she was being so nice to me and we were sitting next to each other for so long. And I was like, what if I just bit Laura Dern? And my brain was like, you're not. And I was like, but this might be the time that you do the thing.

One time I was on a chairlift and I was like, what if you jumped off? And I obsessed so long that I just jumped off. I was fine. I landed and was fine. But I still was like, I did the thing. Oh, no. So since then, I've been like... How far was it a jump?

Not far. Okay. That's the other thing I have to remember is I waited for the snow to come up and meet the chairlift way closer and then jump. So I'm like, you want to... Smart. Yeah. Yeah, you're not crazy. You're not crazy.

Just like a little thrill. Yeah. Just a little bitty thrill. Totally. Well, think about biting her. She was so nice. Her skin was so Hollywood, you know? I was like, oh, I could really...

Her skin was Hollywood. Just so pure. So nice. Interesting. I got bug bites all over. I accidentally sat next to Daryl Hannah once at Cantor's Deli in the 90s. Okay. And they were doing some fucking game.

They were playing some game. Her and her friends were playing some game with like states, like figure out like what, you know, what's the Keystone state, like that kind of shit. Yeah. And I was helping her. But she was totally normal. Like it was, we never acknowledged that she's Daryl Hannah at Cantor's Delhi. Playing a game. She's just like super chill.

That's so nice. Yeah. Her and her friends were having a sandwich, just laughing and doing some game about states. They're normal as hell. Matt Damon was at the cellar recently, and I couldn't, I was so fucked up at how. I don't know how it was fucking me up so much. I do too many, I might have been doing my dreams, but I was like, his arms and hands are so Matt Damon's arms and hands.

Like, I knew them so well, and he was like gesticulating, and I was like, I fucking know those fricking arms. It was crazy. From movies. Yeah. Like, just moving. It's weird to know. somebody so well and never have spoken

to them. It's disturbing. That is odd. Yeah. Your season, your shot. The NFL season is rolling and every touchdown can bring you closer to a payout with Draft King Sportsbook and official sports betting partner of the NFL. Every game is another chance

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slash terms. Limited time offer. I met Matt Damon in Italy at a restaurant where he was sitting. underneath a photo of himself That's weird Did he choose? Is it there? No, no, no. The restaurant owner had him there before. It was a nice

table and there's photos all over the wall of celebrities that had been there before. And so Matt Damon went and sat down at the table where the photo of this owner taking a picture with Matt Damon is. That's a meta shit. That's crazy. He seems really sweet. He's a very nice guy. Super normal guy. There's a lot of them that

like super normal the funniest story always hold this thing like i doubt fucking crazy people there's always like a thing in your head you're like they got to be out of their fucking mind totally yeah um what's the guys peter dinklage oh yeah yeah came into the cellar and um threw a chicken wing at my friend's chest just like out of nowhere somebody introduced him like gillis or somebody maybe it was Schultz was like oh this is so-and-so he's a good comic and he threw a chicken wing at him and i was like that's the most of the most of Peter Dinklage, like, just basically being a little Renaissance man throwing, like, his size turkey leg is crazy. It's crazy.

A little Renaissance man. Like him just being like, away, jester. I was like, that's two on the nose. It's crazy. Problem is I knew him first from Elf. Oh, yeah. You know? So even though he's the Game of Thrones guy, to me, he's always the angry writer from Elf.

I know him from the guy Four Weddings in a Funeral Or wedding at a funeral? I never saw that I heard it's really good It's really good It's really good It's crazy funny

Yeah that guy's great He was so good He was so good That's a complicated role Yeah Complicated that fucking show was so good The new one I'm trying to get into it But like every season is like five years apart

From the last one You have to figure out Who is this lady? Dude Game of Thrones won I had to I was like asking a thousand and people. I was like, I don't understand which place is which. I had to, like, map it out. I could not figure it out. But it's so good. It opened up with the brother and sister.

Fucking. That was so sick. I was like, let's ride. And they're making a cripple other brother. Yeah, it was crazy. Nuts. And the just full on rape. Yeah. And how old? They cut the fucking head off the king. You're like, no. Yeah. It was crazy. He's the best. He's the best. He's the king. Yeah. They did a great job. Oh, that fucking show ruled. It was such a good show. such the season one was i mean i mean not season one but the real game of thrones the new ones like yeah it's good but you know you're always you're j leno after johnny carson it's like totally you get attached to the characters you're just like oh i didn't i don't remember the last season oh the last season was weird where sercy rules i was in uh croatia and uh there's the place

where they were kings landing is yeah like that's where they filmed it oh that's awesome And they, like, sort of do tours where they show you, where they film certain scenes. Yeah. And one of the scenes is when she was, shame, shame, which is walking on it. The little cobblestone? Yeah. That's pretty. That's right there.

Yeah. You can actually see it. That's really cool. It's pretty cool. Yeah, they filmed a lot of shit. We still do those shame things on Twitter. We do the shame, shame, shame, shame. I just went through a horrible Twitter thing last night.

Oh, no. Dude, I got dragged. You can't read that stuff. Dude, it was a fan hit me up and goes, don't go on. on Twitter and I went on Twitter and it was so this crazy out of context thing where I was like talking I was on Stav's podcast and I was talking

about how I was talking about this guy who used the word I'm not going to say it. T-R-A I don't know how to spell it N-N-N-Y Okay he used that word and I was being like that word is so fucking antiquated that at this point to me it sounds like somebody's

just calling like a drag queen that and everybody took it as me saying that trans people are in drag. Oh, God. And it like, dude, it was just, like, went at me. And, like, the crazy thing is I thought I was being woke on that podcast.

I had, like, friends of mine being, like, fuck Jordan. Like, it was crazy. Friends of yours. I mean, friendly people, like, people I work with. Yeah, those people can go eat shit. Those pylon people, they can all go eat shit. But that was my, like, first big one. I've had one before, but that was like.

That kind of shit pushes people away from all the things you're trying to, trying to promote like it does it doesn't mean that people hate trans people if they say something like that's not what you're saying I was saying the opposite I was being like this guy was such an asshole for using that word also that word is so corny right that I feel like at this point it's not even reference to to transgender people that it's like what we say for drag some people some people still use it totally but it's uh that's not the point the point is it's like you what are you trying to do you're not trying to hurt anybody's feelings So shut the fuck up.

Everybody's just looking for a reason to be offended. It's just trying to find anything that they can like, green light, go. There's no reason, no nuance. Yeah, of course. It's so crazy. Of course. It was so, and I'm just like reading all of them. And I was like, this is so many people that are just like, this dumb bitch.

One of them said this is a fat retard talking to a skinny retard about me and stuff. And I was like, oh, well, that's actually really sweet. That's really nice. So sweet. Yeah, I love being skinny. Yeah. Well, this is just what's going on online. And most of the people that are online are very upset.

Oh, good. I don't have Twitter. I deleted it because I kept looking at my exes tweets. And then I was like, I'm deleting this for sobriety, you know. And then I went on it the other day and I was like, this is a nightmare, dude. It was crazy. And I hit up those people who tweeted and I was like, hey, why wouldn't you just text me, man? Like, I care about you.

You care about me. And this was totally out of context. If you just asked me about it, I would have showed you the whole clip, you know? And they were like, you're right. That was crazy. It's a mental illness factory. Yeah. Twitter is just a giant cunt farm.

Yeah. That's what it is. It's just everybody just is growing cunty thoughts. I just didn't know. I just am not even in there. Yeah, it's not good. I stay off it as much as humanly possible. I try to get on it in the morning, just see what everybody's upset about.

See what's in the news. What the, like a UFO got shot with a hellfire missile and they have footage today and rep Luna. Yeah. They were talking about it in hearings. Today. There's a video of a- In hearings? Yes, there's a video of a UFO getting hit by a hellfire missile and the hellfire missile just blows apart and the UFO just keeps moving. What was the UFO? What did it look like? It's like a dot on a screen that they always look. They look like shit. I saw something weird coming down from the moon the other day. Do not know what it was.

Look at this. So watch this. So here's the UFO. There's the missile. Watch this happens. Does it, it just knocks it around And the thing just gets right back on track Which is bananas Like anything that gets hit by a hellfire missile Usually gets a fucking obliterated Especially something that's literally the size of the missile It's cruising

Yeah, it's flying I mean not fast enough that it could duck a missile Which is kind of weird that it let itself get hit It's hard to see even what happens It's like what are those that little Right it's animation It's that it's fucking Pong We're looking at Pong

You know It's like an old video game Really shitty video game This is why I have the hardest time Getting excited about any of this stuff It's like I don't know what I just saw You're telling me I saw a hellfire missile Hit a UFO

It's like you know You're reading Morse code to me I don't know Well AI has done that too Where now it's like I can't even go on Instagram It's not even fun anymore Because I don't know what's real or not Oh yeah we get caught

all the time. Really? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's always something. There's always something that you think is really. Tim Walsh with the fuck Trump shirt on, dancing and the elevator. James is like it's fake. I'm like, no, no, no, it's real.

I always, I'm like, I'm just past the age bracket where I can't detect it. It's crazy. Well, no one can detect it anymore because especially what looks like cell phone footage, because cell phone footage is kind of shitty already, so they just make it kind of shitty, and you don't know. You don't know what the fuck you're looking at. My mom liked a photo on Facebook that a fake AI photo of me. on the beach, different tattoos

with a man and she liked it. I'm like, Mom, what are you doing? Who do you think that guy is? You know that I'm single. She's like, you look beautiful in it. I'm like, it's not real. That's not my body. That's not the body you gave birth to. Boomers can't handle it. No. They're so removed from this technology

that they're living in an alternative dimension. Yeah, totally. I don't know what she does on there. They get their news on TV and that's a wrap. Yeah. Whatever the guy says in front of the camera. Yeah. That's the truth. My mom is my news stories, which is nice. I didn't know that Epstein drawing had come. out. Oh, yeah. So the drawing is a draw. Was that the same as the one that had been leaked before? Is it different?

I appreciate that leaked one was someone took the description, put it in AI. Oh, so this is the actual drawing. Yeah, and this one they actually got the book and someone like leaked it. I'm going to grab it. The drawing, I did think when I imagined it that it was going to be like a weld. I was imagining like DiCaprio drawing a French girl. And when I saw that one, I was like, God, Trump, at least make her hot. What are you doing? But what was the transcript he had written out? He had it like... This is it. What does voiceover mean?

It's like a script. It says, there must be more to life than having everything. Donald, yes, there is. So he wrote this? Supposedly. The voice, it says voiceover, like he's like a movie star. Like he's in a script. Donald, yes there is, but I won't tell you what it is.

Jeffrey, nor rely, since I also know what it is. Who fucking talks like this? Donald, we have certain things in common, Jeffrey. Jeffrey, yes, we do, come to think of it. Donald, Enigma's never age. Have you noticed that? Jeffrey, as a matter of fact, it was clear to me the last time I saw you. Yeah.

A pal is a wonderful thing. Happy birthday. May every day be another wonderful secret. Ooh. And then I like how he's got the signature right where the bush is. Yeah. I don't think that he meant for that, though. Oh, come on.

He made it sound like he meant for that. I think he did. I think he just signed it. Maybe. But I was imagining it being... But it's kind of ironic that it's right where the... Yeah. But I don't think...

I don't think Trump likes a hairy bush. That's what you're into. That's a dude. Okay, that's a dude with womanly hips. Yeah. Look at the boobs. They're weird. It could be a back. Yeah, it could be anything.

It could be a snail smile. I don't get why he's writing a script. Yeah, very odd stuff. It's quite strange. But it's also like the way, like, enigmas never age. Have you noticed that? And Jeffrey, as a matter of fact, it was clear to me the last time I saw. you like if one of my friends sent me

that I'd be like I'm getting a new number yeah yeah you need help why didn't you write happy birthday yeah what the fuck is wrong with you enigma happy birthday Jeff that's all I want happy birthday Jeff may we hang out soon well also like what year was this that he wrote this I think it was for his 50th birthday was the word so

it wouldn't have been that long ago but it had to be because he kicked him out of Morrow Lago in like the 2000s, right? I think 2011, I think it's when they said that was. That's when they kicked them out? I think so. I thought it was before that because I think that's when he got arrested. Yeah, I think it was related to that.

They kicked Epstein out. Can I touch this? Yeah, that is a recreation. That's a 3D printed recreation of these very strange vases that they find in Egypt that are part of an older dynasty that are so exact. And the way they did it is completely unknown. That is just a piece of plastic. But that's an act.

actual 3D recreation of the original vase. That you think aliens did? No, no, no, no. I think a very complex ancient civilization that was wiped out by some sort of a cataclysmic disaster that had very sophisticated technology because that was, was it diorite that that was carved out of? Are you an alien guy or are you an agnostic alien guy? I'm on the fence. You're on the fence?

Yeah. You were alien guy? I've been back and forth, off the fence, on the fence. I've been over the other side I go back and forth I think it's highly unlikely that we're alone highly unlikely

and there's just too many stories of people having encounters with something for people have been writing these things down for thousands of years I haven't had any experience though yeah I think it's like a relationship

if you want it too bad you won't get it other than psychedelics which makes me go you've seen guys no I've seen stuff I've seen entities. Really? Yeah, 100%.

I've had interactions with other beings. Tree entities or like space entities? I've had tree entities. Things that didn't have like a form that was solid, their form would change in morph. And they had consciousness. But, you know, it's like what is what's really going on? Like are you really, are you imagining this? Or are you tapping in what it feels like, but it might not be a,

What it feels like is you're tapping into another dimension and you're interacting with some disembodied souls, like disembodied consciousness that doesn't have a physical form. That's what it feels like. But it feels highly intelligent and very aware of what you're full of shit about, what you're not, like what your thoughts are, whether your thoughts are positive or negative, like it shows you negative thoughts and positive thoughts. Yeah, I was talking to Ari about that on his podcast. about how like when I took acid, if I had a negative thought, all of the clouds would turn into skulls. And if I had a positive thought, they'd all turn into these dancers. And I could switch it. I could just like switch and my entire visual would change with my mental. I had a very similar experience once where when I had negative thoughts, everything would go

like black and pixelated and dark. And then I would have a positive, I would realize it like, oh, no, no, no, you're doing this. And then boom, it would blossom at these beautiful geometric patterns. I was like, oh, you're kind of in control of how you view things, which is in control of how your life works. That's the one thing that psychedelics wants you to get so hard. That's like the biggest thing. Every time I do it, it feels like it's making fun of me. It's like, bro, this is all you. Like, you have control. You can have a bad life or a good life, make the fucking choice. And every time I do it, I'm like, okay, I'll remember. And then the next day, I'm like, somebody said I'm fat on Twitter. You know, it's crazy. I just had this big revelation

the other day where I was like, what if everything is all right? Like, I'm writing. And then the swear everything happened and I'm like, I'm going to die. Everybody's, and I was like, oh, yeah. Sometimes I feel like when you have those revelations, you get a little tested. You ever feel like that? Yes. Like, I'll be like, when I'm like, when I'm like, okay.

You know, like I was, my head was so big about the Netflix coming out. I drop in at the creek yesterday. Do a new joke set? Bomb. Just bomb the whole way through. Sweating. Sweating in front of these people. They're like, they don't know who I am.

They're just like, what are you? saying and I was like just trying brand new weird stuff because my ego is so big that I'm like I don't even need the workshop this shit bitch and I do it and they're just like we don't understand you and I'm like anyway watch the special it's a lot better than that it is the most humbling thing to work on new stuff after you put out a special it's the most humbling because you have no weapons and you just were doing shows where you're like bada-a-bada-bada yeah yeah looking at the notepad and being like what else still nothing on there nothing to think of it's the hardest thing is like coming up with subjects you know it's also hard

when your brain is preoccupied with putting out a special i've noticed right you know like i'm like i'm editing i'm thinking about shit promotion and then i'm like have to but that's why i think you have to take time a hundred percent but the rush people are like aren't you so proud of yourself and i'm like no because now i'm doing bad sets yeah you know what i mean i don't have time to be proud because i'm going up on stage and being like throw here something i was thinking you know and it never i think that's a good thing for us it's a good a good reality check yeah it's great yeah like every couple of years you gotta get smacked in the face and start from scratch again it's really good brian simpson did a brilliant thing so what brian simpson did is he developed two hours so he put out one hour and then when he went touring afterwards he had another hour already well i thought he asked arie i thought he was like can i put out both hours can i put out all of it don't do that yeah yeah i think what he did was perfect when i did the half hour i had that i did it put a half hour out and i was fucking cruising but this one I any fat that I had I cut and was like I hate you're dead to me right so all of the stuff

I liked I put in it so then when I was touring I was like I've already decided that I hate that right I can bring it back up but I don't want to right and then you feel like you're a fraud if you do yeah yeah and if you're not interested in the subject like if you're like it is dead to me it's over yeah you got let go totally it's crazy and it's hard to be on stage and talking about what I want to talk about, which is how crazy it is to be putting out a special. You know what I mean? But I don't want to do that because I want to do evergreen material. Also, that's like, it's just not relatable. Not relatable. But you're like, I want to tell you guys about this. That's what's on my mind.

Especially the people that don't know who you are, then it's really not relatable. Yeah. Bill Burr was very inspiring because he put out that special about how he changed his mindset. You know what I mean? The most recent one where he was like, I'm not going to be an angry person anymore. And that was sick because I feel like sometimes I'll be like maybe I should have a perspective shift where I am stopping such an angry person and against humanity. And I'm like, no, but that's not funny. So seeing Burr do that, I'm like, oh, I could have material about how like therapy helps, you know, instead of how my therapist sucks. You know what I mean? And that was nice to see him do that where he was like, I'm going to stop harassing my wife.

That was the whole special was like, my wife is like going to die someday and I'm making her life quite bad. It was great. When I was young, I had this stupid idea in my mind that you should stray away from meditation or enlightenment or anything because it would get in the way of being funny. Yeah, totally. It would get in the way of chaos. I have that with relationships. I'm like, I'm going to keep the tumultuous relationship and I'm just going to keep, like,

that's how I thrive. Mining for material? Mining for material. Just keep myself in a state of like unknown constantly so that I feel like I'm alive. because I feel like I'll die if I have any comfort or stability my studio is the size of this table there's no reason I should live like that

it's crazy there's no reason but I just keep myself in these little fucker do you like living in New York like that I don't need to I can live in a bigger place in New York it's totally fine so you're doing it to yourself yeah I'm doing it to myself to be like you have to struggle and you don't don't even get to clean your tuna cans

you have to leave it's crazy it's crazy at least you know it's crazy yeah totally and I'm working on it oh okay I am working. You're talking to a realtor? I'm talking to two therapists. Oh.

And, yeah, that's the other thing is I'm like, I don't want to get a bigger place if I'm going to buy a place in New York. Oh. You know what I mean? Eventually, you're going to buy a place. Yeah. Right. So I'm like, maybe just struggle. But it's a weird time for the real estate market right now.

I bought a house in Ithaca. Oh, yeah? Upstate? Yeah, upstate. Oh, you're one of them people that gets the upstate house. Well, it's like five hours from New York. Yeah. Yeah, people are like upstate.

And I'm like, no, it's like paintball upstate, dude. So do you take a flight or you drive? I take a, there's a flight from JFK now. Oh, and you go to Ithaca and what? Just watch TV? I just, I mainly just work on the house and work on the, you know, just do shit to get it up and run. I don't know what I'm going to do when it's done. So you just like being in a small town?

Well, my family's there. Oh. Yeah, yeah. Okay, that makes sense. Yeah, my niece is there. That makes sense. Yeah. Okay.

But I was like, did she just pick Ithaca? I don't know. No way, no way. My whole family's there. And I was so sick at going home and having to stay with my mom the whole time. time and oh that's smart yeah she walked in on me having sex so many times wow it's so annoying just swinging open the door oh sorry she's that's her every single time that's because she's deaf so she can't hear shit oh no so she'll just swing it open oh okay it's

fucking crazy dude and her house just has holes in it because she's a contractor so she hasn't finished it oh no so there's just like they'll be like she'll just be scurring around and be like there's a raccoon in here i'm like all the time dude it's crazy There's a chipmunk on my laptop. I'm like, get it away. Bats coming in constantly. And then your dad's fainting? Dad's dead now.

Dad finally fainted his last faint. Oh, no. It was good. He worked all day, came home, died. We were happy about it. Really? I mean, we didn't want him to die, but yeah, he was, like, getting to a point where we were like, he's going to have to start going to the hospital because he smokes so many cigarettes

and is so unhealthy. And we're like, if he goes to the hospital, it's game over. He can't be around. He'll faint if he sees a hospital. It's like, he, like, knew it was happening. It was like, I'd rather die. Did the cigarettes get him? Yeah, cigarettes and Dunkin' Donuts.

You love Dunkin' Donuts, donuts. Both of those things. Yeah. Very addicted. Very addictive. He was a heavy smoker. That's why I want to kill Ian all the time. Because he smokes so much?

Yeah, and he sounds like my dad with the where you laugh, and you go, uh-uh-l-l-l-l-uh. Ian seems like he really enjoys it, though. That's what everybody says until they're, hacking up along and they have to leave a movie theater halfway through to go smoke. How much does he in smoke a day? I think he's down. I think he's down to like a pack and a half. Oh God. He's getting

there. I need to get him on to Zins, but he thinks that's gay. Zins are gay? He thinks... What are all the stuff he talks about on stage? Yeah, that he thinks is perfectly regular and above board. Perfectly regular and above board. But Zins are gay. That's so silly. That's what a silly take. But so many people have that. That's like when people are like, I'm not going to enter a

recovery because I don't believe in God. I'm like, you were drunk last night praying that you could fuck, you know, Sidney Sweeney. Like, you're praying. You're doing weird stuff. You're delusional. I don't want to believe in God. That's hilarious. People say that a lot where they avoid AA because they don't believe in God.

Yeah. What's weird is the guy who founded AA did it. He was an acid head. He used acid to get off of alcohol. Yeah. But he doesn't talk about that. Yeah. I used mushrooms to get off alcohol.

Yeah, I've heard a lot of people do that. I use mushrooms to cure like a huge amount of OCD. I was like OCD was dominating my life, couldn't touch anything, had to wash my hands constantly. It was like, and then I tripped hard and went into a room alone for six hours and was like, I will, and it was, I was tripping hard. And I was like, I'm going to deal with this in this room and figure out what it is. And what was it? It was that I fundamentally don't trust myself. to make the right decision.

And I realized that none of my decisions were up to me. It was all just an amalgamation of experiences. Because I was like, who's going to stop me from biting or hurting or doing anything? So I was like, if I tap this, that'll stop me. And when I faced it and asked it, it was like, you think you're going to do bad things. But you're not because you have chosen the right path this whole way. So you can trust yourself. You know what I mean?

Like three-year-old Jordan was not outside killing a cat. You know what I mean? She was fucking playing, right? Like, so every step of the way you're building this personality that you can trust. You know what I mean? Yeah. Because my whole thing was like, who, how am I to know that I'm not a horrible, that I'm not going to do something horrible, which is a big OCD thing for people. Wondering whether you're going to do something horrible.

Yeah, like a lot of OCD, like I know a girl who she couldn't babysit because she was like, what if I am a pedophile? Oh, my God. Because her OCD was so bad. Oh, my God. And then she was like, oh, this is OCD and she was treated and she was like, it's fine. But like a lot of people, people will have babies and they'll be like, what if I freaking spin this baby's head off? Oh, Jesus Christ. I have that all the time, dude.

I have that whenever my friends like hold my baby, I'm like, okay. Oh, my God. That's so crazy. But you don't do shit because it's like the, it's like the ski jump thing. You're going to. That's interesting. I never thought of it that way. It's like you're not trusting yourself.

Yeah. And I also used to be super fat. Like I was a fat kid. And I think there's a part of me that's like if you were able to. to do that, then you're able to do horrible things. You know what I mean? If you're able to get fat? Yeah, like if you were able to binge eat like that as a kid, then you're not really

to be trusted. You know what I mean? And I had to face all of that on this acid trip, and I came out of it and was like... Was it acid or mushrooms? That was acid. Okay. of OCD I still have some things that I didn't get rid of but for the most part I got rid of it which is crazy it seems debilitating I've met people that have it it's nuts and some people

it gets worse as like their success grows which is really crazy yeah where they have Howard Hughes type shit where you you know yeah yeah I loved that movie growing up because I resonated with him so much it's weird you got to stop it I mean that's the thing is if you don't get in the way of it it just builds neuronal grooves in your brain that becomes so like averse to plasticity like you can't get out of them and that's what I remember

like this woman being like I want you to bring in contaminated items and I was like go fuck yourself bitch I was like absolutely not I was like then we'd have to burn my mother's car like there's no way but you do every time something's contaminated a little bit you have to like force yourself to do it

to touch it or whatever your thing is like contaminated food for me it was contamination was if some when I was younger I was worried that I would become like say you were like I cheated on my wife last night and then you're like you want to hit this vape or whatever I wouldn't be able to touch it because I'd be like he does bad things if I hit that vape I'll do bad things wow you know so if somebody was whack they'd be contaminated and I couldn't go near them there's something to that yeah there's a little something to that there's a little wisdom behind that yeah because Because people do kind of adopt the mindset of people they're around. I mean, that's what I've had to learn recently is I'm like, you got to cut out whack people and get that that's not OCD, that's, like, healthy for you. Yeah, whack people can ruin everything. Yeah.

Really shitty human beings that you have kept in your life for whatever fucking weird reason, they can just derail your whole life. The thing that sucks about comedy is sometimes these people are so fucking funny. I know. And you have to cut out somebody who's so far. funny. That sucks. I know. It does suck. People at a desk job. I'm like, you're cutting out Brian who's like kind of, you know, who's like just all right who brought you a cupcake once. I'm cutting out people who are like the only people I can say racist shit around. You're like

cutting out like a huge cord of my sense of humor. Right. And that, but I've had to do that recently. Just be like, dude, I can't. The vibe is too dark. It's sinister. It is a problem. Yeah. There's people in your life that just, For whatever fucking reason, we'll never get it together. And at a certain point in time, you try to rescue a drowning person, they'll drown you. Yeah, totally.

They'll drown you. It's hard to watch other people do it and not cut people out. And you're like, that if you could just cut. Like, my friend's mom is just such a drain on her life. And I'm like, you gotta just. Did you see that fucking Netflix documentary about that little girl who was in a small town

who's getting harassed by someone that turned out to be her mom? I heard about this, but I did not see it. it. Oh, I saw this on Instagram and I thought it was not real. It's nuts. She was getting bullied by her mom? Like cyberbullied? Didn't have a job. The father thought the mom had a job. The mom was just

all day trolling and fucking with her daughter for years. And you know what the girl said at one point in time? She's like, I miss my mom. Because her mom was there to protect her from the bad world. But really the only bad world was her mom pretending to be someone else wait she said i miss my mom because she thought her mom was a sweet person that protected her and she found her mom was a fucking monster oh so later after she found out she was like i miss my mom yes oh that's brutal brutal that's like when somebody breaks up with you and you're like i just want to talk to them about this bad breakup well that's that thing

that some crazy people do it's munchausen's by proxy so she was is that munchausen's though Isn't that what it is? Well, you hurt them. You hurt them so that you could help them. Oh, she was doing that. She was being like, who's your... She was the one who was trolling her own daughter. She was someone else online attacking her own daughter, calling her a whore, calling her horrible things.

And being like, P.S. Your mom's a babe. That's crazy. Your mom's an enigma. Your mom's really hot. You should go talk to her. Your mom's an enigma. Yeah. I noticed your mom's an enigma. I think you noticed that, too.

So the moment I saw you, I noticed it. That's crazy. Yeah, crazy. It's so sad. I don't know. I didn't get that far. I can't. With stuff like that, what people are mean to their kids, I'm like, I can't do this.

I love that shit. I don't love it, but I fucking fall asleep to that horrible shit. It's hard. If you love your kid, I love my kids. I can't see some, seeing someone being that. It's not just, it's fucking evil beyond belief. How old do your kids? She torched that.

I have a 28-year-old daughter. I have a 17 and a 15. Wait, if you were, if you have a 28-year-old, you were. Well, it's not my biological. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Yeah. So did you have any kids, were all your kids had after you were financially good? Yes.

Really? Yes. You think that's the move? I don't know. There's something to be said for growing up poor. Yeah. You know, I grew up poor. I think it's good.

I think I understand hard work, you know. I understand what it's like to have to have a job to get stuff. Like, you know, you want to buy a new pair of pants. You need to get a fucking job, you know. You need to get a car. Well, you have to save up. But all those things you're describing you can do. Growing up poor for me is like growing up watching your parents fight over who is going to pay the child support.

You know what I mean? I think you can grow up fine. Right. And still work. Well, my parents didn't fight. They didn't fight. My stepmom and my, excuse me, my stepdad and my mom have been together for a long time, and they have a very good relationship. So that, like, modeled for me when I was a kid.

My parents got split up, my biological dad and my mom when I was five, and my mom married my stepdad when I was like seven. Where's your dad, dad? We don't talk. Oh, we don't talk. I don't know. But my stepdad's a great guy. So you have good parents. They modeled a good relationship when I was a kid.

of people that don't yell at each other, don't fight, and get along. They have disagreements and stuff. Yeah, they have disagreements, but they're nice to each other, kind to each other. And, you know, if you see that when you're a kid, you go,

oh, this is possible. But if you see, like, chaos all the time and everyone's fighting and screaming and yelling at each other, like, keep me the fuck away from whatever this is. Yeah. You know, because I remember,

I watch my grandma. my grandmother and my grandparents, my grandmother was always yelling at my grandfather. I was like, oh, don't stay married, whatever you do. I was like, when I was a little kid, I was like, you got to get out while you can. Yeah. I think that's why there's so many avoidant men right now is because I think there's so many of those, like, lazy boy dads who are, like, dissociated, looking at a TV that isn't on. And every time they try to like, you know, every time you're like, hey, Jim, how's it going? Their wife flies in is like, don't talk to him for us.

Like, there's so many couples like that. Well, there's a lot of cucked out men out there. cucked out by their job, cucked out by life, you know, you just stop being a man. And then you stop getting any respect from the people that know you because they know you're kind of a bitch.

The people that really know you, like your wife and your kids really know you. Like, oh, Harry, Harry's a fucking bitch. Yeah, there's so many boomers like that, though. There's so many where it's, the dad is so quiet and so distant and the mom is just so up everyone's ass. Well, Thore wrote about that.

Like, what? Whenever he wrote this, You said most men live lives of quiet desperation. That's fucked. Yeah. That's fucked. That's fuck, but that's real. But why does it happen?

Well, there's a whole bunch of reasons because you stop challenging yourself or you never did. You stop growing and you don't have any character. You don't exhibit a strong will and you don't have discipline. And then, you know, you're emotionally disconnected from the life that you've chosen. And then you have a job or you have to pretend to be someone you're not. not for eight hours a day and work for a boss who's a piece of shit and then you lose the job because the job becomes irrelevant yeah and then you're a broken man and then you're like 46 years old then they're telling you to learn to code yeah like oh great yeah yeah that's fucked it's a lot of

people they don't know what to do and they didn't get good advice when they were young they didn't get a good direction you know they didn't they didn't find something that they could focus their energy on and realize like oh if I focus my energy on something whatever it is I can get better at stuff i'll start off sucky but yeah keep working at it and eventually you get some people never learn that well it'd be nice if they could also focus on being a parent like i feel like the women stay loud because they're like i'm a mother i'm mama bear you know so i'm like it'd be nice if the dads would get off the lazy boy and be like i'm gonna help raise my kids instead of well there's you know it's just fucking some people are just beaten life yeah it's just they wanted to be

spider around yeah yeah totally they wanted to be cool they wanted to have a good life and life just fucking cracked them in the dick every time they made a move. Yeah. You know, they got their car repossessed. Oh, Jesus. Credit cards.

There's got to be something biological, though, that makes a man not... Like, you have the pride... Burt Kreischer, I just talked about it. Like, you guys have the pride in your children. Hardcore. Like, as soon as I met, you showed me a photo of your daughter.

You know what I mean? Like, but I do feel like there are a lot of men who are like, that's not my responsibility. Oh, that's crazy. That's crazy. Well, maybe it's the way they were raised, you know? Um, but, but maybe if you had lost your job, if you weren't in comedy and you were tired and didn't have your, didn't have your passion, maybe you wouldn't be as gung ho about being a dad. Or maybe you'd feel like a failed dad. Maybe that's what it is. Maybe they feel like a failed dad. Perhaps. I don't know. I would have figured it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. I just don't believe that. I just, if I lost my job doing something, I would find another job. I would figure it out. Yeah. There's other paths. You don't just stay still if the path doesn't work out. And some people do. Some people. Some people. do i didn't know that until recently that some people really do stay still forever oh they quit that

well that's why they love unemployment because they could just get a check and just still and just wallow and depression there's so many people who are against unemployment that still that still that still that are like fuck fuck unemployment i'm not used in the government yeah well that's even sillier i guess i don't know yeah people are weird you know just if i quit comedy right now there'd be like three jobs that i would be almost just as stoked about what what would What would those be? I would love to be a full-time contractor out in the sticks. I would be a philosophy professor or a therapist.

Really? Yeah, all of those sounds sick. Which one sounds the most sick? Philosophy professor. You kind of become a therapist when you are a professor. You know what I mean? You have those kids that are fucked up, so they're reading philosophy. Like me.

I was going in there being like... Or the guys that are trying to get laid. Yeah. Trying to become a philosopher. It's a lot of dorks. Bet. It's like I was the only girl. major in my class and the rest were dorky guys dorks who wore ties to class yeah well philosophy

itself is a strange thing because you're just thinking about a structure of how you interface with the world yeah it was the only thing I could study well everything else I was like why would I study something that's already been known is crazy but philosophy was like no they're all just trying to figure out life which I was like okay I get that and none of them are correct and they're like None of them are correct. And I was like, great. Because I would study science, they'd be like, we know the exact measurement of how to find out this thing. And I'd be like, why do I want to study that?

There's nothing new here. My favorite book of philosophy, I started reading when I was, like, I guess I was 16, is the Book of Five Rings by Miyamoto Musashi. He's a samurai who killed 60 men in one-on-one combat with swords. But he was all about the way to become a great sword fighter is you have to be balanced. Like, you can't have any holes in your game as a human being. You have to be an artist, you have to be a poet, you have to learn calligraphy, you have to be completely balanced, and you have to see the thing for what it is. You can't have any bullshit. You can't have any fat, right? We were talking about fat in bits. You can't have any bullshit. There's no bullshit when you're sword fighting. But sometimes, do you ever feel like you're in that flow state in your life where you'll be like, I have all these moving parts and I have it down? And like, I recently had this where I was like, I'm oil painting, I'm doing stand-up, I have my friends, I'm in this groove.

And then something will happen where I'll just like have like explosive diary or something. Like something will happen where I'm just like, Jesus Christ, I thought I was fucking suave. I had this shit. I used to do that with poker where I'd be like, I have this whole poker game on lock and then something would have. Like it's almost like one of those swords that you have to have in balance is also humility.

Like you also have to be like, and I'm a person who still has a butthole, you know? Right. And that I've had to learn. And things can go sideways, always. Yeah, because I would be like, I'm going to get in this flow. I'd mess up board on stage, and I'd be like, I'm an idiot, you know? So I have to keep that also, be like, you also are a fallible.

Well, that's what's a good thing about stand-up. It's like, it smacks you every time you do it wrong. Yeah. You got to do it right. It's crazy how true it is that you're only as good as your last set. You are. It's crazy. Yeah, it's why, like, if you have a bad set, you can't wait to get on stage again.

I'm like, get me up there. I was like, I'm doing no sets in Austin bomb last night, hitting Rebecca up. I'm like, what do you got? It's crazy Let me bust out some old jokes Fuck it Mothership Yeah come tonight

What do you do it tonight? My show Oh okay What time's it at Seven Yeah that would actually be good Let's fucking go Let's do it

I was dude There's a clip I wanted to post about That's really funny about your About your club where I was like you get in here And there's a guy who's like My name's Kyle I'll carry you up this flight of stairs

I have a PhD in MMA I'm gonna pass you up to Derek Derek has an AK 47 And we get in the green room, and I'm like, they're like, do you need anything? We'll kill people for you. And I was like, could I have some like almonds or snacks? And they're like, no, we have smelling salts. I was like, wait.

I was like, is there any just like water bottles? No, we have neurotropic dust. It was so funny. Neurotropic. We were in the green room the other day. And someone had called us like some alt-right white supremacist club. I was in the room with Brian Simpson. who's black, Derek Poston, who's black,

Asan Amato's Muslim. It was Tony Hinchcliff, Ron White, and me. I'm like, this is a pre-diverse lineup. Like, what are we talking? This is so silly. You're looking at comments. See, it's hard. It's hard to not look at these fucking things. It was a video. It wasn't a comment. It was a video of someone

that one of the guys was playing. It was like, look how fucking stupid this is. The idea that this, like, that you had to be, like, I'm not even a Republican. Like, I voted for Trump because I thought, We were going in a terrifying direction where there was not really a president for four years and the same people are now going to be running the government. Like, let's...

Weren't you like a Bernie, bro? Yes. So I've only voted Republican once in my life. The idea that you have to be a Republican to get in at that club is so ridiculous. That club is filled with gay people, black people, straight people, white people, Asian. No one gives us a fuck. Yeah, that green room is... You're just doing comedy.

You're just doing comedy. Whoever you are, whatever you are, whatever you believe. leave. We have tons of lively discussions on all kinds of different shit. I will say one time I was there and Jordan Peterson walked through and I was like, you can't be here. That's too on the nose. He's here all the time. That's crazy. It is weird. Yeah. That's crazy with his daughter. Oh yeah. He came with his daughter. Yeah. He's been there a few times. Yeah. He even did Kill Tony. Oh, he was on it? Yeah. He was on Kill Tony. Yeah. That's crazy. Oh, yeah. So is Post Malone. Post Malone had no idea, and I brought him on stage. He had no

idea what the show was, no idea what anything was. I just brought him up there. Really? I did that twice. Once with Post Malone and once with Tucker Carlson. I was having dinner with Tucker Carlson. I'm like, you want to go by and go see Kill Tony? And they were there.

And I told Tony, and he's like, bring him on stage. I go, I'm not even going to tell him what it is. So I go, dude, we're going to go on stage. And he's like, what? Oh, my God. He was great. Was he good? Yes.

He was funny. He was like laughing. He was cracking jokes with the comedians back and forth. Wow. It was surprisingly great. Wait, you're not Republican. You used to be Bernie Bro. Yeah.

Are you Bernie Bro? I am, look, I think the idea of socialism is wonderful if everybody had their shit together and everybody was disciplined. Yeah. But it's not the case. And I think that human nature, unfortunately, you're going to need some socialism, though, right? You're going to need the fire department. Like, this is one of the things that I point to all the time. People say, oh, socialism doesn't work.

The fire department is an entirely socialist idea. Like we all pay into it and they take care of everybody's fire, right? You can't have only the rich people have a fire department and the poor people, their fucking house burns down all the time. That's crazy, right? We all agree to that. Well, that should be the same with education. That should be the same with healthcare. Are we a fucking community or are we not?

And if we're a community, you have to take care of the downtrodden and you have to do it because it's bad for them and it's also bad for you. We're all in this together. So you have to have a social safety net. I believe in all that. But I also believe you can't just give you. You can't just give people free money because then they rely on it and they become dependent on it and then it takes away their ambition and then they don't do anything. That's true too. It doesn't mean you're not compassionate.

I don't like either one of these parties. Yeah. I don't think there's a solution that's correct. I think you have overcorrection after overcorrection. I think you have the country goes one way and then it swings hard the other way. Yeah, America's back. And then it swings the other way. Now we're the new America.

And America's this way. It's like everyone's so tribal and everyone's so locked into their idea that they're the good guys and these are the bad guys. We've got to get them back and we're going to get them in the midterms. We're going to get them in the fucking next election. It's like, ugh. It's crazy. And it's all accentuated by Twitter. That's how comedy is too, swinging back and forth like that.

Yeah, sort of. It's all on who you talk to with comedy. It's like there's a lot of bitter people out there. But, you know, that's that old expression. I forget who said that. that we brought this up before that all criticism is the tragic result

of unmet needs oh yeah yeah it's a paraphrase but there's a lot of that there's a lot of like I don't like how Jordan is like why does she have a fucking Netflix special

she milled for me once and she didn't even do good yeah did somebody say that no dude I'm just somebody who I mean I fucking all day deliver

and become a fucking libertarian. Somebody will talk to me about Israel. I'll listen to fucking one Sam Harris episode. Now all of a sudden I'm fucking Zionist. I'll talk to John Marco the other day. Now I'm fucking all propels. Like whatever it is, I switch back and forth and then I do podcasts and people are like, you are.

I'll tell you what I am. I'm an idiot, dude. I will switch. I will move. But I do think that's what makes a comedian is somebody who can try on so many different perspectives. And it is hard that people are looking at comics like politicians. You're not an idiot. Because both sides have points.

That's why you can be swayed one way or the other. I'll double down. Yeah, but I mean, doubling down is just going down the rabbit hole of whatever that ideology believes. Because, like, they probably have a really good pitch. Yeah. And then, you know, if you talk to the socialists, they probably have a real good pitch. Yeah, totally. But I double down in a way that's like, I'll be like, this thing's fucking bad.

And then the next day I'll be like, actually, it's pretty good. Like, I'll stop eating meat and being like, anybody you eat to meat sucks. And then somebody would be like, you want to bite this burger, the ironer hit me. And I'll be like, fuck. cows dude like I go too hard in the paint on both sides and I do I remember I remember in college these girls would bully me and I remember being like why don't you guys like me and they were they go you just have too strong of convictions and I was like oh interesting because I always thought that was a good thing and I think for comedy it is to be like you get up on stage or you do a podcast and you

go what if I just try on this idea hardcore and that's like an interesting thing to do as opposed being like, well, I see you, this is kind of good and that's good too. You know, like, there is something about comedy just being like, what if this is the truth right now? That's an interesting thing to say to someone. You're too strong with your convictions. I'll never forget that. I'll never forget the girl who said it. Did the girl give you an example?

It was just, I would talk the way I talk where they'd be like, you know, I'd be like, women need to stop wearing dresses. High heels are ridiculous. Or I'd be like, men need to do this. Or women, you know, or I'd be like. Or I'd be like, I'm going to go ahead and say diners need to go. You know, like, whatever it was. Right, right, right. It would just, I'd be in or out on topics immediately.

Right. And they'd be like, you're just like too intense with your thoughts. And I'd be like, yeah, totally. Every, every, I mean, this is like why I would be bad in Nazi Germany. I mean, hopefully it would be okay. But I know I'd be somebody to be like, wait, no, wait, no. It's crazy. Well, I mean, there's got to be some sort of a psychological reason why all those people went along.

with that right there's i mean yeah they went a lot i think a lot of it was yeah i mean i think a lot of it was um just kind of dissociation right but there's a little bit of that but then there's also there's a tribal mentality that kicks in like there's a default switch that happens to people yeah and in this country you saw a lot of it during covid it was like the vaccinated people were hating on the unvaccinated they should have their children taken away and like put them into camps Like, do you hear yourself? You hear yourself? It's so weird because it's such a different, like I was with so many anti-vaxxers.

Like, I was, they were my friends. But I was like, oh, I'm getting vaccinated because number one thing that's important to me is comedy. I have no idea. Well, if the vaccine gave me long COVID, if COVID gave me long, whatever the fuck. But I just have to perform. That's, my health comes second. Did you get long COVID? Bro, my shit is fucked up.

I can't, like those ubers that have those smelly trees, I have to get out of, I get immediate. migraines, like, because I, my smell is fucked up. Your smell's fucked up. Like, if you have deodorant that has, like, chemicals in it, it's rancid to me. Really? Yeah. And so many people were, people are coming up to you. That's your long COVID? Do you just smell things? Smell, it's bad, though. I don't think

you can call that long COVID. Really? Yeah, long COVID is people that are exhausted and they have, like, heart palpitations. And, yeah. I got, I got a synapse off. I got a synapse. It sounds like you just got to upgrade in your nose. During the Volvo Fall Experience event,

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Did get it up. Yeah, but it sucks. Dude, if somebody's wearing Cologne, I'm like, I got to go. Perfect. Yeah. I would take, I'd say, you got a wolf nose. I got a wolf nose. Yeah, that's great.

Some people. You've got to change the way you look at it. You're right. Yeah. I thought I had long COVID, and then I stopped eating sugar. I thought I had the bad one. And then I stopped eating candy and I was like, well, hello. It's crazy.

Bro, candy wrecks your shit. Isn't it nuts? And I was a whore. A little candy slut. Ooh, a candy slut. I wasn't eating anything. What was it was a say? Long COVID can cause.

altered smell or a parisomia where things smell distorted fow or different than they used to even if the initial COVID-19 symptoms have passed. So did you get this after you got like when did this start happening? Did you get COVID? Yes, I got COVID like six times but of course you did because you got vaccinated. People who didn't get vaccinated got it once or twice. Really? Yeah. Yeah, they fucked you. They fucked everybody. They fucked everybody with that goddamn stupid thing. I got it hard. See, I'll talk to you about this. And then tomorrow, my liberal mom will be like, the vaccine is good.

And I'll be like, yes, mommy, I agree. It's a long conversation. It would take a long time to explain what was wrong. But it all boils down to the same thing that it always does, which is money. They distorted the facts. They distorted the research. They distorted the efficacy. They distorted what it was actually designed to do just because they wanted money.

That's it. Did we pay them for the vaccine? Oh, fuck. Yeah. They made a shit. Oh, money. It might have been free for you. I like the idea of money, but aren't, isn't your camp in on, like, control, mind control?

Not mind control, but knowing where we are, like, anti-vax people. I'm not an anti-vax person. What are you? No. Give yourself a label. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I believe that all medications should be subject to scrutiny. They should all go through rigorous, double-blind,

placebo-controlled trials to find out what the side effects are, what the efficacy rate is, what's the real facts behind it. But then they'll just lie about that. But this is why. This is why. The problem is pharmaceutical drug companies do their own research. Not only do they do their own research, but they do their own research that they hide. So they'll do multiple studies that show no efficacy.

And then they'll rig one study where they can show just like a little bit of improvement and then they just sell it and they start going with it. And they've done that before. They got sued because of Vioxx. Vioxed killed 50,000 people and through internal emails, the pharmaceutical drug company was saying, we're going to have these problems, and it listed all the different things that people want to get, including strokes. We're going to have these cardiovascular problems, cardiopulmonary problems, but whatever the wording

was, I don't want to be quoted on it, but it will be good for us financially. We'll do well with this. It's in the email. Yeah, in the email, we'll do well with this. It killed 50 to 60,000 people. A friend of mine got a stroke. He got on Vioxx because he had knee problems. It was an anti-inflammatory medication.

Sometimes there's fishy shit like that. Like sometimes I'll take Prozac from one place and from a different place. Very different thing. Yeah, because it's from Mexico. Yeah. Some weird shit going on. Yeah. What do you think about OZempic?

We talked about that the other day with a guy who runs a pharmacy. The problem with it is that when they're dosing it out to people, they're giving everyone the same dose, and it should be dependent upon, like, how much weight are you trying to lose? What is your body weight? There's a bunch of different factors. Isn't it just that holds on to poop? Well, it doesn't seem to be good for you. If poop is sitting in your body? Poop stays in your body a little longer and food digest slower, and it kills your appetite. But if you're morbidly obese and you might die, from that. This is probably a good solution. So it's not a, it's like, don't throw out the baby with the bathwater. I don't want it. I don't need it. Yeah. But if I did, if I was 600 pounds and I was in this, and someone said, look,

and I can give you this thing, it'll kill your appetite. Like, fucking please. Yeah. Please. Totally. So it's beneficial for that. And then there's a problem with muscle loss and bone density loss. But my friend Brigham, who was on the other day, the episode's out now.

He was saying that the issue is that they're giving them too much of a dose. And if mix it with other peptides, you can actually eliminate those problems. So there's a way to dose it out for people that are, and you would just lose nothing but fat. It is possible to do. It just has to be done correctly. So he was explaining that. And right now it's willy-nilly. Well, right now, everyone's just getting on it instead of just going to the gym. There's people that need to lose 20 pounds. They're getting on those Zemper. That's crazy. You can lose 20 pounds in a couple

months. The thing that's frustrating is because I used to be so fat. I used to have type two diabetes and I got rid of it which is crazy and like it's frustrating you are still eating all that sure dude well that's the thing is I can eat sugar exclusively lose weight if I only eat the candy like it was like this bizarre diet I would go on and then I just had to like switch my mind but that mental switch of being like this is not for fun this food is not for fun you've had your fun right like you did that you did the candy you did the pizza you did all of that now we're using food as like the same way we use sleep, where it's like, I feel better when I get eight hours, right?

Right. And once you do that switch, it feels like things click into place. So with people on Ozempic, I'm like, if you could just get that turn of your brain, it would help so much. If you could just, it does feel like a switch where you're like. Right, but think about what you had to go through with acid to get off the OCD.

Right. Now imagine you're 600 pounds and you've been eating candy for 35 years. Yeah. That's, you know, it's a big switch. a battleship. You can't just fucking I think recovery helps. It's like you gotta turn that motherfucker around.

Did you say sugar diet going viral earlier this year? Yeah, I know Mark Bell was really into that. Unlimited sugar, restricted protein ever be a good thing. What is the good of the battle? Literally, I swear I was paying attention

when it said, I was like, there's no way you're saying to see candy it's not just candy, but... I thought he was fucking around. No, it's like fruit, but he's like if candy's all you got, it's not the worst thing. But it's low protein, right? Yeah, it's like a certain

amount of protein. There's a video of him explaining it if you want to watch that. So he weighs 95 kilograms, which is what is that? Like 200 and 25 pounds? Bro. Yeah, the video I just saw you said he was like 207, 210, he was going to get under 200. Does he have a face? Can we see his face? Oh, he's handsome guy. Good looking guy. But it doesn't work with him because he's really fit and he's been doing a bunch of different stuff his whole life. My face is fucked up on that shit. It's not. No, dude. See the deep sunken lines? That's sugar. He's like 50 years old. No, this is the new thing. thing. He was always like this. This is what he looked like forever. And he used to be gigantic.

You know what pisses me off? This was a woman. We'd be like, that's anorexia. Because when I told people I was only eating sugar, they were like, that's anorexia. Hold on. Show what he looks like, Jamie. Go go to his Instagram and wait, you see how fit this guy is. Like this guy is in tremendous shape. No protein? Oh, the veins are getting me. Well, he's always had those. But that's my point. Like, click on that one on the right hand side. Like, look, that's what we're talking about. He's a big jack dude. So for him to do this diet and say, you know, look, I've got this body. Well, bitch, you always had that body.

I don't know. No, I mean, I've gotten very skinny off the all-sugar diet, but it has effects. Yeast infection all the time. Deep, dark circles. From sugar. From sugar. Yeah. Amy's ice cream, and we're going to have an idea.

It's a great spot. Yeah, but I've been off sugar. It just helps a lot. I've just been doing fats and stuff like that, which is great. And I can eat as much as... It used to be like I had to everything I ate. I had to do a tiny amount. And now it's like I can eat as many eggs and avocado.

Isn't that nuts? It doesn't even seem like it's real. I know. If you just ate nothing but steak, you would lose weight. Everyone's like, no way. Like, yeah. Because your body would regulate correctly. When you're done, you're done.

Like, if you sit down, You have a 16-out steak. If you really only need 12 ounces, after 12 ounces, you'll stop eating. Yeah. That's all you're eating. But if you have mashed potatoes there and then a bowl of pasta and then an ice cream and then a cake. Yeah. Try eating cake after you ate a whole avocado.

You're like, bleh, I'm good. Like, you don't. The fat gets you. It's so crazy. Also, your gut biome switches and your gut biome doesn't crave sugar anymore. It's that candida. The candida is what I did, the candida diet. Because every time I got my period, I had a yeast infection.

And then it was just, I was itchy. And I was like, what's going on? And I was like, I had brain fog, and I had Chachy-B-Ted it. And it was like, oh, you're riddled with Candida. And I was like, oh, I'll try the diet. And then I immediately started thinking faster and was not itchy at all. Isn't that bizarre that your gut biome has an effect on your personality? It's fucked up.

It's fucked up. Well, we are a literal ecosystem. We want to think of ourselves as a person. But we're really like a life form that houses life forms. Yeah. I think it's because our control panel is up here makes us think that we're this like unit that we can fuck with like I think if our eyes were here

we would maybe be like this is a whole collective system but this fucks us up like I was watching this fat huge tall guy eating an ice cream cone the other day and his arm was like this and he was like six seven he was just licking it and I was like it looks like this little man is eating this ice cream cone unbeknownst to this giant body down below

like it looks like this little guy's just riding this big guy And I think that if we could just slide this fucker down. Yeah, body awareness of what you are as a whole. But that's also a lot of people don't do anything with their body. So their body is just like a truck that they drive around. Right. And we do have a mouth. I have a vagina, which is a mouth.

You know what I mean? We have the fucking more face down there. There's crazy. The uterus is a fucking other head and the gut and everything. We just don't have eyeballs there. So we forget about it completely. Really? It's a head?

I think so. Yeah, it's a fucking whole thinking thing. Your gut is freaking all these brain. It's definitely thinking. Your heart thinks too. There's neurons in your heart. But the serotonin in the gut and the brain and stuff. It feels pretty balanced.

It's just the eyeballs fuck us up. Well, if we could have an understanding that you're an actual system, it would be a lot better for people. Because so many people just think, like, oh, I don't want to worry about my body. I'm worrying about my brain. Like, they think it's almost like vein to think about your body. Yeah. And vein is stupid. Yeah.

It's okay. But there's no virtue in being a weak piece of shit. Like, that's not good for you. Yeah. And it's not intelligent. Yeah, it's not intelligent. to not take care of your body stupid yeah it's crazy it is yeah and the second i start i stop working out it is so weird how much pent up energy and then i'm like lethargic and then i have to

eat sugar and it all that's fucking crazy also you start getting anxiety you're like oh start freaking anytime i participate in self-deception in any way it bleeds into everything like anytime i'm neglecting some part of my life you can like smell it on me the second i walk in i'm like hey sorry i didn't i shouldn't be you know and i have this whole air And it's like, I just needed to do my dishes. I would have been fine. That's Miyamoto Musashi. Oh, that's the sword.

Literally, that's his book is like, you have to be balanced. You have to balance everything. That's good. But then sometimes don't you go sicko mode where you go, fuck it. Yeah. Kind of, but not for long periods of time. Do you drink? Yeah, but I don't.

I haven't drank in a long time. But I will. Like, I'll have a glass of wine. But it's been like, it was many months before I had anything. And then I had like a margarita. And I was like, okay. And you felt nothing. I mean, I didn't do it because I was an alcoholic.

I did it because it's bad for you. I was like, why am I doing this? Because I drink at my club. I have a couple drinks at the club, a couple nights a week. And then I'll go out with my wife, have a drink or two. And then maybe I'll do a podcast with someone who wants to have a drink. And so we'll have like a little whiskey, clink glasses. And we're talking, get a little tipsy.

after a while you're like you're poisoning yourself yeah you're drinking seven 10 15 15 drinks in a week yeah like that's not good and then I stopped and I was like oh my god I feel so much better and then I felt stupid I felt stupid for not doing it I did the same thing I'm a sugar addict and a love addict I'm not an alcoholic but I was like I can't I can't be having extra sugar where I'm not where I don't need it oh that's funny so much candy so you got off the alcohol because of the sugar I had to choose I was like it's sweet fish or alcohol. I had, I had to make the decision. And I was puffy all the time. I couldn't stand the little puff. That's not good either. Yeah. The puffy's bad. And then you have a glass

of wine because you're like, I can treat and I'd be like just like fully retarded. Instantly, right? Yeah. Because your body's not used to it. Yeah. And so I was like, well, this isn't that fun either. So I'll just not do it. Yeah. I think a lot of people more now than I think ever before are abstaining from alcohol. I think it was just a study recently about young people about alcohol consumption and young people is down by what was the numbers i think it's something crazy like 25% well it's because they're not having sex is that what it is i mean gen z i need to touch this thing you need to touch that that's uh harlan william snake i love harlan william and it was so much i love him too it was on the table when trump was here and he got so happy

that his snake so he had that snake in his pants the entire time he was doing the podcast and he told me that he got a tapeworm and then he named his tapeworm Dimitri and I'm like you have a worm yeah I got a worm I picked it up it just you know it was a gag yeah at the end he pulled he's like oh the worm's coming out and like he reaches in his chest he had it the whole time the whole time he pulls out this fucking snake and he puts it on the table and it's been there ever since so when I had Trump on the podcast he was so happy that Demetri the snake was on the table his pants his little snake pants that's awesome that's such a look at this

That's, I love Harley. Dude, Harlan was talking to us about Rocket Man and how they didn't put out Rocket Man because there's a song in it where he imitates being Chinese. Like, he does it with everyone. He does it with German where he's like, I-la-Libin in the world. And then he does a Chinese accent where he's like, ta-chang, ching-chang, right? Yeah. And they just, like, buried it. Like, that came out with Tarzan.

And they buried the shit out of Rocket Man and let Tarzan, like, take the. And I was like, I looked it up. Tarzan is like based off seriously racist original story. Was it really? Yeah, which is so interesting. Like, Rocket Mike. Edgar Rice Burroughs, the original Tarzan? Um, was it Tarzan?

Was that Edgar Rice Burroughs? Is Tarzan the one where it's like, M.O.O.B. Yeah, yeah. Tarzan, look up Tarzan racist ties. It is there. So from the original book? I think so, yeah. Like the original original.

Well, it was old. It was old. It was old. Yeah. A white guy who lives with the chimpanzees and figures it out. He lives with the apes and becomes the king, of course. Yeah, but I think even before then, it was more racist. I mean, this was a Google.

This could have been one of the things. Maybe. I don't think I've ever read it. I think I've read the comic books. I've seen the movies. I don't think I ever read Tarzan, the Edgar Rice Burroughs novel. No, I haven't read that either. I think this was pre that, though.

But this could have been me Googling and finding it and being like, see. But Rocket Man getting buried. Rocket Man's so good. And if I had seen that as a kid, I would have been so. stoked so it's one of harland's comedies yeah yeah his first okay so it's his first movie and he's so goofy in it but he does all these voices for different nationalities and at one point he does janees and it's such a funny scene and 1997 yeah did you find i don't think even think i knew about that movie it's i didn't know about it either but we had harlan on the pod and ian was like i'm obsessed

with this movie so then me and i watched it and it's like the best it's like exactly what you want your kid to see. It's like a doofus who makes it as an astronaut because he's smart in his own way. But they fucked up with the Chinese thing, huh? It was the one accent that you can't make fun of? One accent. He did all the other accents. So weird. I don't get that. Why is that the one? We live in a bizarro time. It's very weird. It's a very weird time. It's also funny because Disney was like, yeah, the scene goes in. We approve it. And then they're like, wait, actually, it's not, that's fucked up. Well, you know, people approve dumb shit all the time. Yeah. Fear Factor, they improve people drink and come.

And that's what got the showcase. Yeah, there you go. Dude, I was obsessed with fear. And piss. I was about to say, did you ever watch it again? I'm like, you're on it. But those people do not. I used to think they were like hot people. They're like trash, a little trashy. Like growing up when I was watching it, I was like, oh my God, I want to grow up to look like her. And then I look back and I'm like, this is white dreads crazy lunatics. I was obsessed with that show. Well, they made them drink come. But it wasn't a bowl come?

It was donkey. Oh, yeah, donkey cum and donkey urine. They had to play horseshoes to see how much donkey cum and donkey urine. Did they say cum? Oh, semen. Sperm. I think we said sperm. No way.

And they aired it? Well, not really. See, that's what got the show canceled. Imagine drinking the cum and not having your episode air. I know. Well, people drank the cum and didn't win. The cum is not a problem for me. I would have drank the cum.

The urine would be more of a problem. urine fine. For me, it was the spiders in the mouth. The gals chose the urine over the cum, or the cum rather over the urine, but I think the guys would rather. Hilarious to think it's gay as well. The episode is called Donkey Juice. But I don't know if that's really what it's called. See, the thing is it never aired.

I think Donkey Juice was like the internal name for the episode or the stunt. So it did air in other countries, though. That's why you can still watch it on YouTube because it aired in, I think it aired Denmark or some shit. They had to just jerk off a bunch of donkeys? No, no. How do they get the cum? I used to add a bit about it in my act. They take cattle prod and they shove it up the donkey's ass and they shock their prostate.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. They just bust. They love that shit. Yeah. That's crazy. It's donkey rape. It's more than that.

It's kind of alien. You're an adducting this donkey and forcing it to come. That's brutal. I know. With electro-shocked. They just blast. And then, you know, they got like a tube in the end where they're collecting it all. For a show.

We had buckets of it. And the donkey doesn't even get paid. How many donkeys got jacked off because there was buckets of it? Look. No. No. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

You know what? I always assumed that was fake. Oh, no. It was super real. What? 100%. Yeah. That's crazy.

There's laws. Like, there's laws, which was really good because, like, people say, How do we get on Fear Factor? Like, if you've ever met me, you can't get on the show, so you can't talk to me about it. If you want to get on the show, you can't talk to me right now. Yeah. And it will, like, get me out of conversation. That's good.

Yeah, nice. That's really good. Yeah. Because I can't help anybody get on the show. But there's laws. Like, you can't say it's donkey cum when it's not donkey come. It is come. You're drinking come.

Yeah, otherwise your show's not a game show anymore. How do they get all that stuff? All the worms. So many worms. Farms. Worm farms. Oh, yeah, for bait and stuff. Yeah.

And then cockroach farms, the people that eat cockroaches, you had to put them on a specific diet for X amount of time before they're allowed to be consumed by people. Yeah, you can't just have them eat in garbage and rotten meat. And the spiders in the mouth where they were climbing out? That was the one that me and my sister would watch to torture ourselves, where they couldn't get the spider in the mouth because it was climbing out. Yeah, it was brutal. Ridiculous show. I literally signed up for it because I thought it was going to be canceled immediately and I'd have a lot of material. Were you able to tell jokes on it?

No. No, they limited the shit out of you. No, they, if I said something that they thought was controversial, most of the time they would edit it out. Did Jackass come, Jackass was after, if you were. No, I think it was before. It was like during, I guess. Was it? I think so.

Okay. I was obsessed with. The first one was Survivor. Survivor was the first one on TV where you're like, yo, which is still on the air, which is crazy. That is good. I thought the Osbournes. Well, that was a. reality show. There was ones before

that, right? There was Totally Pauley. That was kind of a reality show. Oh, okay, okay. You know, but... Totally Polly? Was that Polly Polly Shore? Yeah, he had a, he had a very famous MTV reality show called Totally Polly. Where he just fucked around? Just traveled around, met people. That's cool. This is a reality show.

But, like, I'm not wrong, right? Wasn't Survivor the first one of those kind of shows? A game show? No, you know, like a game show, but a reality reality game show. I think. I think so. I mean, it definitely caught, there was that wave.

That came out around the same year as, like, American Idol. What year did Survivor start? I think it's like 90s. I was in high school. I'll check by like 2000-ish, 99,000. Yeah. So Survivor was the first one. That was the big one.

I just can't believe it's still in the air. That's nuts. Was Fear Factor? 2000. May 31st, 2000. Oh, so it was only like a year before Fear Factor, because Fear Factor started in 2001. They're going to do a new one now.

That who the hell's hosting it? I saw that. Wait. Johnny Knoxville. Survivor? Comes full circle. No, Fear Factor. I think there's a new fear factor that Johnny Knoxville's going to host.

That's awesome. So it all comes full circle. And you hated it? No. No, I didn't hate it. It's just like, it was a job. You were really sweet to the people. I was trying to be.

You're very nice to them. I try to be nice. I remember being like, that's a comforting. You'd be a good acid person to trip acid. You know what I mean? Maybe that's how you got good at. I mean, that's this, I mean, that's a fucked up trip to be like, you're going to put these fucking things in your mouth. There's that, but I would also, some people would be scared to do a stunt and I'd be like, look, we have to make money.

You 100% can do this. You know, people that have never really completely challenged themselves are not sure of where their boundaries lie and they get really scared. Yeah. When something new and crazy is about to happen. They get overwhelmed by anxiety. And you can get them and go, hey, hey, hey, listen to me. you know that voice in your head telling you not to do this yeah fuck that voice you can do this and when you get done you're going to be so happy you're going to be so happy but you just have

to do it it's not going to be nearly as bad as you think it is just force yourself to do it and you could do it then they would do it yeah it's because like i when i was a kid from the time i was like 15 years old i was teaching martial arts so i am used to coaching people i bring people to tournaments and people that were scared and they were going to have to fight and compete and I would coach them. In the corner? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just went to the Serrano, Katie Taylor.

Oh, did you really? It's a great fight. Dude, I have, can I say I am straight as they come, but Katie Taylor, man. You'd get some of that? Dude, I just think she's the most attractive woman. The way she goes, and I fight for the Lord. And she's like, dude, when they're all fucking brain fucked afterwards and she's like, I just want to go ahead and thank everybody for coming out.

And you're like, nobody knows what you're saying. Right. The brain damage, though, is crazy. I box, and I am not. You still box? Yeah, I box, but I don't. I mean, when my trainer is in town, but even sparring, I'm like, we got to do this occasionally because I'm fucking fucked up afterwards.

Yeah, I have friends that still spar. I'm like, stop doing that. Yeah, a lot of people aren't sparring at all. They just fight. That's rare. Most fighters spar. There's a few that don't, like Max Holloway for a while, wasn't sparring because he was trying to preserve himself for fights but then

when he had to fight Dustin Ports or when he had Justin Gachey I think it was Justin Gachey's like I gotta start sparring again because I'm gonna fight someone who's really dangerous you can't have any It's just so when you start When I started boxing I was like I'm never gonna spar That's crazy and then like a month in I was like

So addicted and it was so much fun It felt like you were training so that you could spar It is fun to do And then I would do a podcast and be like I say bache and I'd be like Oh I can't do that We can't do that. And you listen to Serrano and Katie, when they're, like, fighting in those, like, press conferences,

and it sounds like two drunk kids. Like, they're like, no, she fucking said that we're going to do. And you're like, this is, I cannot be doing that. Well, the real rough one is, and you talk to guys that are in, like, their 50s. And they've been retired for years and they're slurring their words. You barely understand what they're saying. Yeah. And they have so much money, but what do they?

Well, some of them don't even have the money anymore. Usually they go through a few divorces because they're crazy. No one can stay with them. They're out of their fucking mind. Yeah. You know, and they're probably alcoholics because their brain's completely shattered. Yeah. Do they get, do men get more aggressive when they get brain damage?

Yeah. They definitely can. It depends entirely on the individual. Like the women get CT? Oh, yeah, 100%. Yeah, they can get aggressive too. Really? They get real impulsive, men and women that have brain damage.

You get impulsive. They can't control their instincts. their impulses, rather. They have addiction problems because they feel off, right? So they want to drink alcohol to calm down or do cocaine. A lot of them wind up doing coke.

To feel up because they're fried. Yeah, just you're fried. Your brain's cooked. Your endocrine system's all fucked up. Your pituitary glands's been bouncing around inside your fucking skull. Is your brain fucked? Probably a little bit.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Just the right around. When did you stop? Well, I stopped fighting when I was 20, two, I think, was my last fights, and I stopped sparring when I was like 27 or 28. Oh, good. So you had the gummy kid brain.

I did a little bit sparring later when I was in my 30s. Do you do jiu-jitsu? Do you grapple with you? But, yeah, but that, the brain damage you get from that is rare. It's not. Maybe I should do that. My mom always tells me that I would like that. Kim Condon does it.

Ask her about it. Okay. I just, the boxing, the hitting. Yeah, don't do that. But I like, but even just training with Mitz. I have such a rage issue that beating the shit out of something feels even when I go to the gym

and just beat the shit out of the bag I feel so much better. It's super good for you. There's nothing better to like relieve stress than hitting the bag. It's the best. Don't stop doing that.

I mean, definitely keep hitting paths but don't get any brain damage. You know what I'm worried about Jiu-Jitsu? What? The fainting. Because it's these little... You're just going to get choked out. You're just going to black out

the moment someone even comes close to choking you out. Yeah, if anybody does something to my wrist and getting, no, any artery, stuck in a triangle. You're just going to fall I'm going to, and they're going to be like, I did a good job. Yeah. Yeah, totally.

Because I have friends that do it, and they're like, yeah, and then my bone was up against mine. I'm like, I'm done. Do not. No. Yeah. Talk to Kim. It is rough, but it's super addictive. Once you do it and you get used to it, it's very addictive.

It's addictive because it's a puzzle. It's a game. Yeah, you're playing a game. And you get better at the game the more you play it. And, you know, the game is get somebody in an arm bar. Right, but the arm bar is, all of it is slightly representing breaking. them, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that makes me that... You have to tap. You have to tap so your arm doesn't get broke. The idea of

overextending somebody's body part is brutal. It is brutal. That's so gross. It's gross. But it's very... But I think that... It's useful skill. Very useful skill. I know. But the boxing is just, bam. That's useful too. Breaking somebody's nose I could do, but... You couldn't break their arm? I could not. No, the idea of like bone coming through? Oh, just choke them. Put them asleep.

Yeah. Have you put... You put... put a lot of people's sleep? Not a lot of people. Is it a good feeling to be put to sleep? I don't know. You've never been put to sleep? No, I've never been put to sleep. No.

Are you scared to be put to sleep? No. No, I just tap when I know I'm about to go out. Right, right, right. Your body probably taps. No, you tap. I know, but you probably your instinct, like, even if you're like, put me to sleep, you'd still probably be like, no, actually, no. No, you gotta know, like, when you're going, right?

Right. So like if you're getting choked, if like someone's got my back and they've got a choke in, there's a point in time where I know I'm not getting out of this. You just tap. It's smart. It's stupid to fight it off because you get injured. And then you wind up being really fucked up. I love watching M.MA. Do you? Yeah. When they jump on their backs like that, when they go full monkey style is like that. Hey, dude. Have you ever been to it live? No, just that fight. It was a big deal. I went. Netflix took me thinking of it. Oh, yeah, but that's a boxing match. You should go to a UFC live. It's bananas. Really? Yeah, it's bananas.

Yeah. I loved going to this around. Are you at the club this weekend? Who's at the... No, I'm in Rochester this weekend. Oh, cool. There's a UFC. I was going to say there's UFC in San Antonio

on Saturday night. I'll go in New York for sure. Whenever it's in New York. Okay. I'll get your tickets. It's going to be in Madison Square Garden in November. I'll go. I'm there.

Thank you. I'll be so sick. Oh, my God. I'm going to wear a fur coat. Yeah, you'll love it. And seeing it in the Garlandland. garden is kind of special yeah where was oh they were in the garden serrano no yes was it were they yeah it was big room or the smaller room big sold it out wow serrano made 14 mil or something i mean

they made christ i know that's great isn't that great that's awesome yeah and the fucking the card was incredible watching them massas square garden has got a lot of energy in that room too there's something crazy about that room yeah it's just like the amount of concerts and fights and events that have taken place and that you feel it in the building when you walk in you're like you walk in you're like whoa yeah it's intense this place is alive it's awesome yeah like when you go to a new arena and they're brand new and you walk in the door and it's empty and you're wandering around like wow cool place but you walk in the garden you're like yo this place is alive it's got memories yeah the other ones show like racquetball like you could you know what I mean like you could hit a

racquetball around in one it's like they're the stage because I've done arenas with Tom, a bunch, Segorah, and you can definitely feel the ones that have, like, been there versus the ones that they put up recently. Yeah. Yeah, they have history. History is burned into buildings. I'm so bad at rotating. Oh, it's weird. It's so weird.

It's the best way, though, because it's the only way you can do an arena where it's intimate. So what we're talking about is a stage that's round. Oh, yeah, in the round. In the round. Yeah. It's the best way. Just say a joke, then pivot. Every time I get up there, and I'd be like, here's my joke. I'm going to turn to these people

now and I return every single time. That's funny though. Yeah, it was totally great. But I couldn't do the like natural rotation. The good thing about it is though it makes the show intimate even though there's 16,000 people there because there's people on this side facing people on the other side. So everybody

realizes they're all in it together. And the Jumbotron. I mean my Netflix special is shot. I was like wherever your camera is shove it the fuck up my nose. Like I'm so sick of seeing specials where I'm watching their whole body the whole time like show my face because my facial movements are like half of my joke right and in the arena you get that like i remember watching louis at the hulu at the hulu theater and it was just

the fucking jumbotrons you saw every little movement he was making and i was like that's so sick because it's so in a club you see that right you know and that's what you want to see especially if you're looking at it on the screen which is weird yeah and then sometimes you watch somebody and you're like, I should just have gone home and watched this because then I would see their face. Right. But the jumbo-tron fucking nails you and it's so sick. Yeah, well, that's the good thing about the round, too.

You can have your back to them and they totally can still see your face. I know, but I'm always worried about my butt. I want like a trench coat or something. Wear a trench coat. Do like what Kinnison used to do. Oh, yeah. Kinnison used to wear a trench coat. I can go Trinity.

Trinity for Matrix. Yeah, there you go. I'm obsessed with Trinity. Oh, yeah. Did you ever hear that? lady that claims that she wrote the Matrix and they stole the idea from her? Dude, anime wrote that fucking shit.

That shit is like ancient as hell. It's her writer and Matrix. It's both of them. Right, she says she wrote both of them. Yeah. Does there any credibility to what she says? We don't know.

I had a joke about the Matrix that people were upset about where I was upset that the Wukowski sisters were on the top 10 female directors. Oh no. Are they really? Yeah, because I was like

if they had come into say they had come into MGM as sisters being like we want to pitch a movie like in the 90s like we want to pitch a movie it's about a guy and he's in a simulation they'd be like how about you simulate my dick in your mouth you know what I mean like and it's not like anti anything

but people still got mad but yeah that joke is that was one of my favorites for a while because I'm obsessed with The Matrix it's my favorite movie ever and I think we're about to literally live it we're real close I'm in the camp that everybody thinks I'm fully retarded They just told me a lot on Twitter, that AI is going to help things, not hurt things.

I would like the record to state that this is my theory, because I think it's going to be proved right. You think that AI is going to help people, not hurt things? Yes. That's interesting. How do you think that that's going to happen? I just think that the whole catastrophic this is going to be an entity that ends all of us. I don't think it's going to do that. I think that maybe I'm just looking at the positive side, but I think it's such a,

a smart piece of technology that was so in the works the whole time to be made, that it's going to help us solve problems. Like, I think humanity has been trying to create somebody that can work on a supercomputer level to solve problems faster and more efficiently. Yeah, that's definitely the best case scenario use for it. Right, but the corporations are evil and all that. Yeah, the problem is they're already, they've already shown that these large language models can be programmed with ideology, right?

So did you ever see the disaster they had with Google Gemini when they first launched it where they said, show us images of Nazi soldiers and they had multiracial Nazi soldiers? Yeah. They're like an Asian woman

was a Nazi soldier, a black woman, an Indian. They had a Native American lady who was a Nazi. That's not real. Okay, so your ideology by making everything diverse,

you've distorted history like so your ideology interfered with truth okay but that means we do that when we take down all the right but we're not that but we're right but we're not supposed to be this large language model this large language model supposed to be eventually super intelligence in artificial form right so super intelligence wouldn't do that it would know that Nazis were German and they were you know it wasn't Nazi that they asked for they asked for German soldiers and then it gave people in color which, in 1944, which would have been Nazi soldiers. Yeah, why am I getting all technical?

Well, that's, I mean, you're asking a large language model to do something. I know, but it did show German soldiers that were wearing Nazi swastikas that were multiracial. I'm just saying it didn't, it didn't the question, it'd have to be specific when you're talking about these things. That's why. German soldier, which happened to be Nazi. I was trying to put that music stuff all night, and you have to be very specific when you want. You don't think there's any possibility that it could be something that is, that we have control over. that we have control over and we use it for like don't you think we've always been scared about

everything about science about microscopes about social media the printing press yeah yeah i mean they were they were terrified when people first developed trains they thought people's bodies were going to explode if they went over 35 miles an hour yeah it's just this is the human error removed is sick dude those waymo cars are sick the doctors using chat chachibt they're doing such a better job yeah no there's definitely a lot of pluses The problem is control. It's always the problem. And every person that has an enormous amount of power should be carefully scrutinized.

And the kind of power that you're going to have if you are in control of essentially a digital God, like it becomes a problem when human beings are involved. Now, if they become completely autonomous, then you have a problem with us being irrelevant. But that's what I'm talking about, that situation where they become autonomous. That's what I'm referring to. So say we have an autonomous entity. Why would it kill us? We don't go, you know what I mean? Well, I'm not saying it would.

I don't think it would. I don't think it would kill us. But it would probably give us incentive to not breed, which I think if I was an intelligent life force, I would kind of do it exactly the way our society is already going. Yeah, we're already doing it. Like right now. We're doing it to ourselves. But that might be by design, it's my point. It might be that in order to not alarm us that this.

artificial intelligence has engineered our diet and our environment to kill our reproductive system. And it's already doing it, but it's doing it in a very innocuous way with microplastics and a bunch of, it's doing it in a way where we don't even know what's happening. And it's just happening nice and slowly. On the same coin, it could be like, hey, what if we actually perpetuated the species and got it back to life like the pandas? I don't think that's going to happen. I think what's going to happen is we're going to become hybrids. We're going to become a cyborg, like a real legitimate cyborg. I'm stoked about that. Are you? Yeah. You'd be first in line.

Oh my God. Give me the freaking parts. I fainted blood. No more blood. Make me a cyborg. I'm happy. I love metal. I love scrap metal. I love cars. Make me a fucking car, dude. I hate this gooey thing. I don't know what's going to happen, but I do know it's going to be unprecedented. It's going to be a new thing. I'm surprised. The one thing that did freak me out is a guy the other day at a bachelorette party had the goggles on that was recording us. Oh, God.

When I realized that, when I was like, oh, shit, AI is going to take in all of the information. Yeah. There's a lot of people wearing the metal glasses everywhere, which is like, at one point, you're like, oh, well, it's cool, new technology. And the other thing you're like, but yeah, but people probably don't even fucking know they're getting recorded. And that's kind of crazy. Yeah. It's kind of weird. Also, I don't like the idea of all these digital images of things.

Like, if it could be printed out into matter. and you could look at it, but the idea of, like, your entire life, like, even us with the fucking iPhones, all these photos stressed me the fuck out, dude. Why? Because it's so much, because there's something about it, because it, when you have a photo, you're in the present with a past photo, right? Like, I'm sitting here in this reality with a past reality that I can hold. Right.

The weird giant vortex of memory is almost like my vortex of memory. You know what I mean? Like, neither of them have matter. My memory and my brain and this brain here, I don't like that. I think that I want the memory to be contained in matter or in my memory. I don't like this being a brain. And I don't like it holding pictures of all of my past. Well, I think when you say I want to be a cyborg, you're going to hold all of it.

And you're going to have a hard drive. So instead of having a memory where it's fallible right now, like your memory is like weird. Like, when did we do that? Was that in November? Oh, my God. That was November? you'll have an actual memory just like you have on your phone where you can go back to like for you you know like you know like it suggests you on this day and you go to like 2017 you're like oh my god yeah oh my god they're so young oh my god look that would feel less disembodied than this fucking weird unit that we're all addicted to you know what i mean it's already a part of us it's so weird that it's just man and unit everywhere but the unit you can just put down you can you can put the unit down you think we're going to be cybor like it's going to be like human beings will have a chip in their brain that any time I'm like what year was that it might not even be a chip it might be a wearable where you can put down they might be able to have something that you put on the top of your head you know with electrodes that touched your temples and it just sends signals into your brain and it works from there I mean who knows it's so cutting edge and then once AI gets into the picture right and AI

if you get sentient AI and you get AI that understands like how human neurotransmitters work and what to stimulate, what not stimulate, it might devise ideas that we never even anticipated in terms of like how to implement this technology and it'll probably figure out how to make it better. Yeah. And then it'll be off to the races. I was so scared today because I texted my friend suicidal. Like she texted me about something and I wrote like tongue in cheek. I'm suicidal, right? Like I'm not actually, but I wrote it. And I was like, shit, my phone. is now going to send me so many fucking don't kill yourself stuff does it do that yeah dude every time i text some shit like that i'll go on instagram and it'll be like don't do this is seek help blah blah blah or that's what's creepy is that your fucking instagram knows what you're texting to your friends yeah i've had two people recently be like do you ever think it like sometimes i'll think a thought and an ad will come up and i'm like and two people in one week said that to me yeah but

doesn't that just mean it's a coincidence that means that means that means you're relying lying on coincidence. Did you watch this thing I sent you yesterday? I didn't. What is it? All right. So this got announced yesterday. They do not describe it.

Oh, yeah, I did. I did. I forgot. Yeah, go ahead. It allows telepathic communication in some way with a headset. They're clearly connected to something and they don't show that. But these two guys start talking. Those guys aren't real.

Oh, there are real. Oh, sorry. What's this music? Oh. It's a dog. It's an Applevision. Oh, the Applevision So this one is actually translated

Let me go back to these two guys Talking. No way. These just have the telepathy tapes autism. It's showing, like they're trying to have a communication About food They're just They're not speaking. It's really hard to like hear this That's crazy

He described that you could be in a party and both have the headset on And think words All right, these fuckers have to be stopped. This is too crazy. Yeah, now you're different, right? Yeah, that's not okay. I like how you swing one way or the other. No, fuck that, dude.

These dorks? These dorks in fucking coffee shops talking shit? I'm going to use my alter ego to go to give you a travel tip. Yeah, it translates that into Hindi. So it starts off in English, which is it to Hindi. And the weird thing, which was you guys are just described. They don't talk about how this works yet. They literally just, like, put up a video on Twitter yesterday.

Like, if you want more information, go to our website. And so you're describing, like, if they have a way to get brain waves in some way. All right. Yeah, I'm out on this. I'm out of this. Especially when I see the kids that are doing it, I'm like, these kids are just fucking thwarts who are getting so far. They're going to look like aliens. This isn't like the agents from the Matrix and big heads.

Yeah. That's what's going to happen. But if it was the agents from the Matrix, like some attractive men and, you know, sunglasses and suits, I'd be like, okay where you guys have planned is probably better than reality but those fucking torques being like this is what we're doing now I think no matter what we do technology is going to keep moving

no matter what we do it. China's going to do it Russia's going to do it everybody with power is going to do it anybody that has the resources they're going to keep pushing this technology and if you just think where's it going to that direction you're going to become a part of some fucking giant hive mind

we're all going to be sharing thoughts together and some bizarre buzz of information that we all suck from. It's going to be real weird. It is going to be weird, but then you could have the unpluggers, which would be nice. Well, that's what it's going to be when you go to the club and you put your phone on the yonder bag. You can talk some shit. Do stand up.

Yeah, totally. But I think it's one of the reasons why people love going to a comedy club now, and especially when you make them put their phone in the yonder bags. It's a game changer. It's such a game changer. You could actually pay attention. You actually focus. You're there.

You're living in the present moment instead of constantly checking your tweets. people you know it's it's an addiction man and it's a new one right it's one that didn't exist for our parents they never had to deal with it and we're growing up with this very bizarre connection to the whole world and a lot of it's negative a lot of it's and it's also manipulated a lot of its bots I guess I'm hoping it also gets so bad it gets better like I'm hoping that not to use the matrix again that there will be a point where you can be like I'm disconnecting for everything whereas right now It feels like we have to engage with it. Yeah.

Like it would be nice to get to a point where it's like a, oh, are you on or off? I'm off. And you're like, oh, okay, I won't try and text your... Do you ever just disconnect your... Yeah, when I go to my house, yeah. Yeah. Totally. It disappear.

Yeah, that's good. Yeah, and I just put this... That's healthy. I have like a safe where I lock my... Oh, good for you. That's smart. Lock my phone and lock candy. Candy and your phone, the same.

Yeah. What's harder? Candy or the phone. Candy. Yeah, of course. Fuck the phone. Yeah. Candy rules, dude.

Candy's so good. the phone sucks it stresses me out little candy fishes those are my favorite Swedish fish yeah I just had a real one from Swedish what do you mean the most of them forgeries the fake the red ones there's fake Swedish fish those are American bullshit the Swedish fish are black no from Sweden's really interesting yeah probably doesn't have our nasty chemicals for the dies yeah the Red 40 yeah is RFK against Red 40 I think so right it's so funny watching RFK go through the lesbian moms that I have because they're so liberal

so they're like fuck RFK and then at one point he's like I want to bring back raw milk and I said to watch my entire town of it could be like well we do love raw milk and we actually like that quite a bit because they're like right now siphoning raw milk illegally off of farms it's so silly that raw milk

is illegal and you go buy whiskey at Costco it's so weird so dumb raw milk is so good it's really good Francis Ellis is all about the raw cheese and milk yeah it's good for you yeah and for a A lot of people that have lactose intolerance. Oh, not Francesel. Jason Ells.

Francis L is a different comedian. Oh, Jason L is a comedian, but he's way more into rotisserie chickens. Yeah, it's really good for you. Yeah. It's just don't get it bad. Don't get it where it's contaminated. And then what happens? You just have a bug.

Probably get fucking ranted diarrhea. Yeah, but whatever. Better than a fucking cancer. Yeah. Well, I think your body, when it's homogenized and pasteurized, it's like, what is this with no enzymes. What is this water protein you're making me drink that I'm going to fart out? Yeah. I bet we could

drink endless raw milk. I bet we could really go ham on raw milk and cheese. Swedish fish is a taste supposed to be called a lingonberry. A lingonberry. But the black stuff is a different kind. It's called Salmiak, which is black salted licorish. That shit is good.

You like that? Is that your shit? Ammonium chloride? Ammonium chloride. Nice. Probably not better than Red 40. I don't know. Well, let's let's Google ammonia. We assume everything Nordic countries do is better. I know, right?

It's crazy. We assume. Smelling salts. They'll be in the audience and I'll be like, oh, you think you're better than me? And they're like, no, we really like you. White crystalline water soluble salt. Oh, form from ammonia and hydrogen chloride used primarily as a fertilizer. An expectorant and cold medications in a component in soldering and galvanizing fluxes to clean metal surfaces.

Also found in dry cell batteries such a flavoring agent in its natural form. It's called Salomoniac. I'm sure it's delicious. It's good. Well, it's like monosodium glutamate. Everybody was scared of that for the longest time. And Bourdain and I were talking about it, and he was like, no. He was like, it's good.

He's like, it makes the food taste better. I go. Anthony Bordane. Right, it does, right? He's like, yeah. I go, what do you think about all the stuff about it being bad for you? Because I think it's bullshit. Yeah.

And what does it do? It's just a... Montessodium glutamate is like what they would always... always put, the thing was, it was always, you would hear that it was used in Chinese food. But it was used a lot of food. I remember when I worked at Newport Cremery, they used to have some laying around. I think, God, what was the name of this stuff? Oh, yeah, you go into places where you can, MSG is every time?

Yeah, but there was a name that it, there was a product. MSG enhances umami flavors with less sodium, about one third the sodium of salt, why NACI primarily that's just table salt wasn't it called accent wasn't there something like that where there was a monosodium glued to made product that they would have for restaurants

god I can't remember what it was called is it accent yeah there it is that's a good rebrand global food company known for amino science umami seasoning yeah that's it so they'd have like a tub of that stuff you'd throw it in whatever the fuck you're cooking

it made it taste better what was the But monosodium glutamate was like the thing that everybody was always blaming. Oh, I got to stay away from Chinese food. That fucking MSG kills me. And he was like, that's bullshit. But why did we say that? I don't know.

It's probably one of those things that we got stuck with, like saturated fats bad for you. Because some cunt got a lot of money from the sugar lobby. And so they wrote some fake science and everybody bought into it. Those guys fucked everybody so hard. And they did it for 50 grand. They did it for 50 grand like the 1960s. and forever we've been fucked. I would have fell for it for a long time.

60 years, everybody's going to stay away from it. Stay away from fat. The perceptions of MSG's danger stem from the anecdotal reports and flawed early studies, not from consistent scientific evidence. For most people, MSG does not cause health problems. However, a small subset of the population may be sensitive to it and experience temporary mild symptoms. So what's the mild symptoms?

Headaches, nausea, Drowseying, yeah, flushing or sweating. Maybe you just ate too much, you fat fuck. It was once called the Chinese restaurant syndrome, now known as MSG symptom complex. These symptoms often appear within two hours and are typically mild. Yeah, but also, you probably ate like a pig. Also whiskey again. Difficulty breathing in rare, severe cases.

You probably drank beer and ate 50 bowls of noodles, you fat fuck. Is RFK pro fucking, is he like pro checking all of this stuff or is he, isn't he the anti, just like let it all run? Or is he? No, he thinks you should know what's bad for you. And if you want to take it, there should be a label on the food letting you know that the stuff in there has been shown to cause X, Y, and Z. Okay. That's it. Like, he doesn't say we need to get rid of cigarettes or we need to get rid of whiskey.

Like, if you don't say that, those two things. If you don't say no more cigarettes, no more whiskey. If you don't say that, then shut up. So the left is worried about deregulation, right? They're worried about deregulation. Is that true? Yeah, with many things. Yeah, with environmental concerns.

I'm sure they're worried about deregulation. With banking and industry, they're worried about deregulation. Is there any party that's just pro-regulation? Me? Is there any party that's just pro-regulation? Regulate AI, regulate Instagram, regulate. I think the Democrats are much more interested in regulating things. Like, if you look at the most regulated states, they're Democrat-run states.

Like, California has a lot of red tape and regulations if you want to get anything done. Socialist is the most regulated. Yeah, because they want control. They want more control from the government. They have a bigger, bloated government. And the way to keep that functioning is you've got to go through hoops and ladders to get through anything. Anything that you want to get done. I feel like you have to regulate everything or regulate nothing.

No, some regulation is good. Like, your parents are contractors. right there's a good example you need too much regulation there too much regulation but you need inspectors fuck the inspect they suck okay you can't say that because if your family does a good job and i'm sure they do that's fine but there's a bunch of fly-by-night fuckheads yeah that you know make a house and don't follow code and then shit goes sideways but that shit is so corrupt that stuff is like that's i mean the bureaucratic bullshit the contractors have to go through a psycho that's true too I used to be a contractor, dude, the amount of, I should have been...

I think there's a comfortable medium. Yeah, I don't... My step-dad was an architect, so I grew up around construction sites as well. So you know how frustrating that guy is? I do, but I also know that there's a lot of shady motherfuckers that are involved in construction, and you've got to make sure these assholes follow code, otherwise this house is going to collapse and kill everybody inside. People suck. Some people suck, and they cut corners, they save money, they do things all half-assed, and you need someone to go and inspecting.

it. But then it's weird to not have regulation on other. There's no regulation with social media. I mean, unless it's the censorship shit. Right. That's, it's weird. And it's really bad for you. Psychologically, it might be one of the worst things that's ever happened to, like, collectively society, psychologically. Like, if you look at Jonathan Haight's book, have you ever read his book, The Coddling of the American Mind? No, but I love Jonathan Haight. He's great. It's all about social media and then self-harm. with girls. This is a big thing. Self-harm, suicidal ideation, suicidal thoughts. That all comes like this, because ramps way up when social media gets introduced. There should just be elected committees, elected psychological committee, elected philosophical committee. Who's going to tell you you can and can't do it? Who's going to say you should and shouldn't say things? If you don't like it, you should get off of it. And that's what I do. I just stay off of it for the most part. I know, but so is booze, right? They have to know, don't do that.

It'll ruin your life. Don't do this. This could ruin your life too. Like, and it also suck your time away. It needs to be regulated like a drug. Who's going to be the one? Who's going to tell you what we, I don't want anybody telling me I can't go on Twitter. If I'm at home and I have nothing to do and I pay taxes, I fucking, my bills are paid, I want to just fuck off.

Any tactic for attention monopolization has to be removed, says the committee that doesn't exist. Like, you know how you feed them? But it's not monopolization if you could shut it off any time you want. But it pulls you in. It sends you alerts. It gives you the dopamine thing. I don't have alerts on. No.

But those kids do. Well, they should shut that shit off. Someone should teach them how to use it correctly. And also tell them like, hey, this is a lot of negativity. And a lot of these people are wasting their life on this shit. You're wasting your time. I know that, and I just fell into a dark hellhole last night. Like, it's hard to avoid.

It's... It is. But you can do it. I do it. Yeah, but I can do it. But 13-year-old Jordan would be fucking hanging from that closet at the Airbnb. I mean, it would be rough. 15-year-old Joe would be tweeting horrible shit at every celebrity.

Oh, oh, just horrible shit. That's the other thing. Horrible shit. Yeah. Under fake accounts, you can make 30 different accounts. Yeah. Make a new Gmail address. Make a new account.

All they have is your ID address. more fake accounts. Yeah, but then the thing is whistleblowers are important, right? If someone is in the government and there's some shady shit going on and you can expose it and you don't want to die. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't want to get Seth riched. Yeah.

But isn't there another way to whistleblow? Like graffiti or something? No. It doesn't work. By a billboard? It can't go viral. Yeah. Billboards don't go viral.

You got to be able to express yourself without fear of consequences because there's a lot of people that don't have any power and there's a government or maybe you find out that the corporation you work for is doing some horrible shit and they're bypassing some environmental regulation and dumping toxic stuff into the ocean like well maybe it just comes down to regulating the corporations and being like bro you can't make money off of people's data you can't make money off of that's a problem it's because they they didn't we didn't know when we all signed up for it that data was going to be this massive commodity not always it very valuable but then it gives them insane power the people that have all that money and have all that power now they're in

control of you know essentially all social discourse so maybe that's the thing that needs to be regulated i don't know if just like when they do regulate it then it's like like you saw did you ever read the twitter files did you read any of the stuff that matt taibi and schellenberger and all these guys when Elon purchased twitter one of the things they found out was the intelligence communities have been deeply embedded into Twitter and then they were involved in suppressing certain narratives and pushing other ones and it was like really sketchy stuff like dangerous dangerous stuff because if they have the power to suppress accurate real information then you you're propagandizing to the entire country you're shifting narratives you're changing the way people

think about things this can affect elections this can affect public health this is going to affect everything and they were doing that and they were doing it because they had regulation over social media they had power Elon comes along and he's like fuck that it's wild west time and opens it wide up and everyone's like oh it's all racist now there's Nazis like yes there's more of that now because it's not getting banned but also there's more people that you know can talk about virtually anything that they want to and you can debate it out you can talk about the climate You can talk about the moon, you can talk about asteroids, you can talk about foreign governments, you can talk about anything. And that's better.

It's better to have people say horrible shit, but also be able to say true shit than not be able to say anything. Yeah, but I worry about the, I worry about the, it just comes down to kids for me because they get radicalized. I mean, when you see the racist shit and you join the tribe, it just like becomes. They can. They can also get radicalized. They can also become Christian. They could also become, like, hikers. They could also, like, really get into jiu-jitsu.

They could also, like, join video games. You could join ISIS. Yeah, ISIS. They could also do whatever the fuck they want to do. I mean, this is just, we've got to duke it out in the battlefield of ideas, and that's, that has to be able to take place. You can't have people decide what you can and can't discuss, because the problem with that is, like, then they have power over you. And they have power over the most important thing that we do as a culture, which is figure out what's, right and what's wrong. Figure out who's correct and who's who's incorrect. What's what's a fact and

what is a lie? What is propaganda? Why, why have they made so much money pushing this thing where there's no science behind it? And if you say, then they say trust the science. Well, show me what the science is. And then you have people that are looking at the science that are actual scientists that get boycotted and banned from Twitter. That's one of the things that happened during this whole FBI infiltration of Twitter or whatever the organization was that the government had that was deeply, it was multiple organizations deeply embedded. They were kicking people off. They were like Stanford scientists that were, they had a different view of how the pandemic should be held handled. They're kicking them off Twitter. And then you get to a point where you need regulators on

the regulators and who's going to regulate the regulators. Who's going to regulate the regulators? So you think Wild West teach your kids correctly. Yes. I think that's better. I think this is the world we're living in and it's a weird world. But this is the reality of the world and you need to prepare them for the reality of the world don't shield them from it right i guess it's just technology being such a drug is an issue to me it is a drug but it feels like the it feels like the government making money off of selling fentanyl like it that's what it feels like it's also fun for kids too they're doing snapchats and they're fucking they're having a good time too it's not all negative you know it's just it can be negative and the pylons like when people like that lady what she did

to her daughter, which is the most evil fucking thing ever. But there's groups of kids that will go after a kid and pile on them and attack them anonymously. And, you know, kids kill themselves over things like that. You have freaks them out. Teens? How do they deal with it? They're remarkably healthy.

It's very strange. They have social media, but they are crazy about it. Yeah, one of them just got off of everything. She's once concentrating her schoolwork. She hasn't been on any social media in over 90 days. It's very impressive. But that's an addiction to be like 90 days. I'm clean.

Yeah, but it's also she can do it. Yeah. It's like, it's not an addiction like, oh my God, you know, if you ever get on social media again, now you're going to be homeless and snort in social media. No, it's like it's a thing that's not necessarily good for you. Just like cake. Don't eat cake all day. Yeah.

But if you want to have a birthday cake or you want to occasionally have a piece of cake, you have dinner, nice dinner. Let's get some dessert. Fuck it. Yeah, but what about the cake? What if every time I went to go eat cake, there was 90 other dudes in the cake shop that were being like, we should kill this. group of people and you'd be like fuck i really want to eat cake but these people keep saying

that maybe i believe them because i've read so much at some point somebody should walk into the cake shop and be like dude you guys can't be here there there are laws right so like there's free speech but if you threaten someone there's laws against that and that's a group yes yeah if you say i want to kill all the greeks yeah in america like someone will come get you nobody wants them dad we love them but if you just said something like that yeah someone would visit you from the FBI if you make threats against people

but we have existing laws that already protect people from that okay I just think most people should say the fuck off of it because most of the people that are doing it are wasting their life it's crazy how I just last night was sucked into this vortex and then I just put my phone away and my dog was sitting right there

and I was like oh hey real life thing that loves me also I had no idea that this was going on with you I had no idea I know it's ridiculous it sucks so bad because I was trying to be so I was like actively trying to say a woke thing that I went through patting myself on my fucking back and it just fucking spun out of control

you can never be woke enough because it's all horseshit it's all horseshit it's all it's just a cult it's and it's a cult that is mostly perpetrated by people that don't have a religion. So it behaves like a religion. Yeah. You can get excommunicated.

You can get cast out of the kingdom for life. There's rules. If you follow those rules, you'll be good. If you're not, you're a heretic. Yeah. It's a religion. And it's a religion for people that don't have a religion. Because there's a fucking weird part of our brain that whether you are a Democrat or

a Republican, it fits that spot. Right. So there's a, if you don't have something in your life that you think of as a higher power or at least have like some sort of ethical and moral foundation and some goal, some higher goal that you ascribe to, something will fill that spot. There's a spot in your brain and that spot will be, I'm a Republican or that spot will be I'm a liberal. And we got to these goddamn racist and all these white people. We got to get rid of white people. White people say that. We got to do with the real problem is white people.

they'll say that and they'll say they'll pat themselves on the back while they're saying it because they think they're being a good wokester yeah it's just nuts it's just religion it's it's just it's crazy how many people deemned me and i dm them back being like hey i just want you know like i'm so i like totally didn't mean to hurt anybody and i'm really sorry if you're offended by this and they would just immediately be like oh it's totally okay i take back everything i said what they said was like you fucking bitch and i just was like hey i'm a person and they're like oh shit i've completely forgot and i was like oh okay yeah everybody it's a terrible way to communicate

Right. It's bizarre, yeah. I mean, I fucking do it. I talk so much shit about everything and then I get there and I'm like, oh, yeah, this is, I think it just feels good to believe something. It feels so good to stand your ground on something and to be like, I did something today that meant something, even though it doesn't mean anything. It doesn't. We need meaning so fucking bad. We do. And that's why it takes the place of religion for people who don't have religion. It's big part of it. It doesn't have to be religion. You can have it be in the, you can have it. You can have it. it be the no it doesn't have to yeah no but I mean there's a spot in our brains yeah the religion has always been there and we we filled that spot

with whatever the fuck it is leftist politics right wing ideology whatever the fuck it is yeah you find a thing that becomes your religion totally people are fucking broken we're so weird it is but we're also wonderful we're fun when we

you know when we work right when it's Yeah, when we're face to face. Yeah. Yeah. Even then, sometimes it's not, you know? Crazy.

But then you run into the person who talk shit about you and you're like, oh, hey, what's, yeah. You were just playing the video game of hatred. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. And that's what most people are doing on Instagram and on Twitter. Because it's just such an easy thing to do. And especially if your life sucks, it's a great distraction.

You can pay attention to other people and tell fucking Jordan and fucking cunt and just say horrible shit. And it distracts you from. whatever is wrong with your life. But the video game of like health and body perfection, like getting jacked, is like the religion that many comics are in, me too. And it is, it does take that role a lot. Like a lot of times when people are just hatred, I'm like, just target lower belly fat. If you want to be fucking activated about something, get fucking pissed at that.

You know what I mean? Because it's always, I look at the picture of these people and they're just like miserable fuckers in a basement. And I'm like, dude, just, what if you just spent all? all day taking a really long bath and just cleaning that shit off you, you know what I mean, instead of hating me. Well, think about what we're talking about with OCD, those tight grooves of behavior that just get just, just, it's so easy to slide into those grooves. They're so honed. Yeah.

They've been used so many times. Just an instantaneous decision to go down those pathways. It's hard for people. It's hard for people to snap out of them, especially people that are fragile and that are worried about getting attacked themselves. Those are the most vicious. Yeah. The most fragile people are the most vicious. They're the most mean, the ones that are worried about being criticized themselves.

Yeah, totally. Yeah. Yeah. Hurt people, hurt people. True that. What's it? I've done it. I've done it. I've heard people. We all have. Yeah. Yeah. It's normal. It's normal part of being a person. It's just the social media thing. There's very little value and a lot of negativity. Or you could use it correctly if you're a journalist or if you're someone who's like curated a good feed. and you just want to find out what's actually happening. Yeah.

Because the world's filled with, like, crazy shit that happens all the time that you don't know about unless you get on Twitter. If you just paid attention to the mainstream news, you'd miss 80% of what's going on in the world. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, I mean, there's so much. I talk so much shit about social media, but the amount of animal videos that have brought me back from the...

I mean, I found out that otters have a little skin pocket, and it's, like, saved my life multiple times, just knowing that. Like, that shit is so good. Yeah. Any fast intake of National Geographic online is like, yeah, totally. Well, most of my time I spend, if I'm fucking off on my phone, is on YouTube. And I don't have a problem with that because most of that, it's like videos. I'm getting educated.

Yeah, I would not have been able to be a contractor without YouTube. Yeah. I should have called my business. There's so much you can learn. If you just do it right. Like, YouTube is the most amazing resource if you just do it right. And there's just some fucking guy who's like, I'm going to teach you exactly how to utilize this impact driver and you're like yeah I don't know why you're doing this but thank you yeah why

are you doing that it's really weird some of those people they're like I'm going to tell you how to change a Toyota tire on a Nissan truck and I'm like they that's exactly what I need it's crazy right right right yeah those guys rule oh there's so much good how to stuff that's available online but or you can get on Twitter and just start yelling about the Jews yeah figure out figure out a thing whatever it is yeah what the fucking climate do you understand what's happening we won't have an earth for our children you know people go crazy are you worried about your kids future um of course yeah of course i'm i'm worried about everybody's future i'm worried about their future i don't want anything bad to happen to them just like i don't want anything bad to happen to anybody

that's why i can't i don't think i can have kids but when people say that i was like i wouldn't want to have kids today i'm like yeah why would you with all the books and medicine and shit people had kids before they figured out doors. When they say I don't want to bring a kid into this world, like I sometimes don't want a kid just because the idea of letting my dog outside without me scares me. But like, and I'm neurotic. But when they say that, I'm like, you're talking about the absence of consciousness being

superior to consciousness. That's a paradox. You can't say one is better than the other. There is no better until you're born. Not only that, there's a lot of people in my life that I love. I have a lot of good friends. I have a lot of people that I love. The only way you make people is they have to be babies, and they grow up to be people that you love.

Yeah. That's the game. Yeah. That's life. You have to, if you love people, you probably love kids. Yeah. You just don't know it. And you probably are, you know, terrified of responsibility, which is real. Yeah. But you can have kids. It's not bad. Do you think everybody should do it? No. I think you'd have a rich and full life and never have children. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

And I always resented that when I didn't have children. People say, oh, you don't even know. You don't have kids. Yeah, yeah. Like, okay. Like, don't say that. That's silly. Did it change anything else?

Yeah, it changes. Did it unlock, like, a Molly level of love? Yes. Chappelle had the best quote about this. He said, not only did it change the amount of love that I have, it changed my capacity for love. Okay. Yeah, you don't know.

Like, how much you love your dog and I know you love your dog. I've seen you with your dog. Yeah. You love your kids times a million. But that's frightening. That level of love, how do you let them go to school? Life is crazy. Life is frightening.

You just have to learn and grow and just deal. This is just part of the thing. You can't just be safe forever. You're not going to live. You're going to die. We're all going to. You just have to exist. And, you know, you have to, like when you don't see your friend, like bye, and, you know, they get on a plane.

Like, oh, my God, the plane crashes. What have I never seen them again? You can't live like that. Yeah, but a child, I would be. I know, I know, I know, believe me. You had to teach yourself to chill? Yeah. Really?

And you still, you only chill so much. You know, you love them so much, it's hard. But I think there's a reason why society's like people to have children because it makes you much more concerned with law and order. It makes you much more concerned with, you know, cleanliness and pollution and all the harm that could happen to your child. Yeah. Yeah. You worry more because if it's just you're selfish and you're by yourself, fuck everybody. I'm going to go get a whore.

You know, like, okay. Yeah. You're not really a part of this thing. You're just kind of like, you're a leech, you know? Like, this thing is all of us together. It would frustrate me if I had kids that people without kids have equal right to vote. That would annoy me. Why?

I don't know. Because they could vote for negative things about your kids. It just would piss me off. I'd be like, you're not keeping a life around. You know what I mean? Like, you're just a selfish shitter and eater, you know. Well, there's a lot of those selfish shitters and eaters, too, that, think that somehow, because this is one of the things that people are being taught today,

that somehow or another, because there's so much money in the world, like you're owed something and we should have universal basic income and your needs should be met. There's a bunch of people that think that way. Don't think that you should provide a value, that your needs should be met because there's so much wealth in the world, and that everything else, whatever the wealthy people have on top of that, that should only exist once their needs are met because there's a fake scale. crisis in this country. And it's really because the wealthy people have gotten so much. But that's the Bernie, bro.

Yeah. Well, there's some truth to that, though, right? There is some truth. Like, if someone acquires all the money and everybody else is poor, obviously you have a broken system. Yeah. Bernie's idea was to take a small amount of stock market exchanges, just like a fraction of a penny for each one of these. And that money would all be an incredible resource that would go to education and health care and all these different quality of life things that would have a legitimate impact on society. That's what I was interested in. That was my most compelling thought that he had. The most compelling thought to me. I was like, that seems like that would work.

That seemed like that would have a big impact and it would change a lot of things. I've always been down for the tax the corporations. I've always been down for it and not view them as having human rights. Well, the weird thing is that they have to, they have the ability to donate insane amounts of money towards congressional campaigns and Senate races. That's fucked. That's fucked. So if they're going to take that, stop that, no, no, what is that called?

What is that called? What is that called? Electoral funding? Sure. Election funding. There's a name for it, but stop that. Campaign funding? Okay.

Stop that. And it's not even just that. It's like, it's funding super PACs. It's funding NGOs. it's there's a lot of shit that goes on that's just really about influence but if you get a corporation it's making that much money tax the shit out of it for schools well not a bad idea but you got to be able to make money the real problem with corporations is they have to always make more money like if you have a responsibility for your shareholder if you're CEO every quarter you have to make more

money like the idea is like you're doing really well you're making more money and the only way to really keep making they never go we're good hey everybody we're good why not because they're cunts oh okay okay because like you get to this that's the game they're playing they're playing the i want more money game they're not playing the let's make the world a better place game because it's a corporation so it's a sociopath it acts like a sociopath you ever seen like when they've done these studies where they're like well look at the behavior of a corporation it's basically a psychopath that's why i think they should fund the shit it's crazy how much the middle class is taxed.

Well, they really fucked up was with the stock market in general in the first place. Stock market is so weird to me. I will not put any money in it. I buy gold and I buy a house. I buy a car. I buy a watch, but I won't do the stock market. But it's crazy that everybody gets to be involved in like IBM.

That is so weird to me. It's weird. But I'm not allowed to say this because people go, oh, no, Jordan, you got to put it into a fund that is an index. And I'm like, I don't have to gamble. I grow up white trash. Gambling is a bad thing in my family. You're not allowed to do that. The thing is, it is a real thing.

does work. Look at Nancy Pelosi. She's got half a billion dollars. Right. She did it a shady way. Is that good that she has that? No. It's not good. No. My friends who are like, it's not going to make her live longer. She's, she's 82 fucking years old. She looks terrible. Right. It's like, it's the end is nigh. Stop working. And my friends are like, I made 50 grand off Bitcoin and I'm like, you just put it back in the Bitcoin. You're going to keep it in Bitcoin because now you're stuck in an addiction until it's gone, until it hangs. You know what I mean? Nobody that I know is like, I'm pulling out. Maybe a couple. Some people have. And they've made a lot of money.

That's great. Yeah, I have one friend who did that very proud of him, but typically it keeps you in it. It's like the same people that stay off social media. They're rare. They're rare, but they utilize the system. Yeah. When I was microdosing, I could do that. I could post and be like, I'm going to fucking.

Because I was in and out of a relationship that when I would microdose, my brain would be like, bro, what are you doing? You got to get out of this thing. And I'd be like, okay, just won't microdose. But now I'm back to it. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, well, I get that. When it shows you a truth that you cannot handle.

And you're like, yikes, but I don't want to be alone. I would take the mushrooms and they'd be like, you're better. Come on, dude. This guy is like mean to you. You're a cool chick. And I'd be like, shut up. I'm not cool. The mean to you is gross.

I'm so, it's the best though. It's my very bad time. Yeah. You like, I hate back and forth. I like fighting, yeah. Fighting in the makeup sex. I just like somebody who's very honest and is like, that's a stupid thing that you did. That's a good thing that you did.

It's a very daddy. There's a way to do it with tact. Yeah, totally. Yeah, you got to be able to do it with someone when you calm them down and say it rationally. Yeah. And you've got to say you love them first. And you've got to say nice things first. Yeah, that was the problem.

Yeah. Yeah, totally. But the mushrooms would be like, it would become, I'd immediately be lucid and be like, you can love a person and not be miserable. Those two things can happen at once. You can love somebody and not be in a relationship with them because it doesn't work. So I was like, okay, we're not going to microdose. Yeah, I'm on the fence about microdosing. But I think for some people, it seems to be a giant quality of.

life enhancer it just tells you when to stop you can't do it that long you can do it for like two weeks micro dosing yeah and then it doesn't do shit and then you have to stop well that's probably good too it's probably like most things you know you shouldn't drink every day if you want to go on a vacation for two weeks you're going to get hammered yeah it's good but the mushrooms will be like I mean they'll just be like dude what are you you it's it never gets addicting but I did it a lot during the pandemic now i know some people that got addicted to the idea of like spiritual awakening oh the ayahuasca people oh yeah some of those people get cooked they get cooked they get overcooked and they start reading poetry on instagram you're like yo oh my god when i get the text message it's like

hey i love you so much i'm like damn we did another ayahuasca journey no that's cool though someone's just saying they love you is nice that's nice already sent me in i love you message the the day. I was like, what were you on? It's like, Molly. Oh, my boy. Dude. He's gone for a while, right? He's like in South America or something.

He's off the fucking reservation. He is so inspiring to me with comedy where he'll be like, I'm taking, I'm not doing it right now. Well, he's very smart. He's so smart. Yeah, he's very smart. He did the whole, I mean, Eric Abrams and my whole team did it,

but Ari like every step of the way would be calling me every day and be like, what are you doing, do this? And I'd be like, I don't know what I'm doing. He'd be like, tell everybody to pause, do that. I mean, it was crazy. Ari is very strong in his beliefs. Some of his opinions are terrible, though. Ari famously told me to never put out a three-hour podcast.

You got to edit it. In the beginning, he goes, why is your podcast three hours? And I said, because that's how I felt like talking for three hours. You should edit it. No one's going to listen for three hours. Three hours when you were just starting it out? Oh, yeah. I always did it three hours.

I'm like, they don't have to. How long have we done? Don't listen. Almost three hours. Jesus. No. Oh, yeah. Yeah. How do you do that?

It is a time warp in here. It is a time warp. Yeah. Because we're locked in. So if you're really locked in, if you're really locked in with someone, you really haven't, it seems like three hours. What if you don't get locked in? It happens sometimes.

Really? Yeah. Some podcasts are duds. No. Men, too? Sure. Non-comics? Oh, yeah.

Non-comics. Even some comics. You're like, God, I have nothing in common with this guy, you know? Brutal. That's like when I'm in therapy and I'm talking about yet another breakup of my therapist is it's the worst feeling ever. And I'm like, You need to lock in right now.

Yeah, lock it in. But you've had not lock in days? Have you ever had it be your fault? Oh, I guess. Probably. Yeah. What do you do? I mean, I try.

I mean, at this point, I'm pretty good at it. So I know how to finagle a conversation. You know, generally, I look for a blunt. I'm like, okay, I got to get this. I have to change my brain. I got to fucking fire this up and make fun of this. Oh, you're pro weed. You're weed.

You love weed. Oh, I love it. Okay, I just started using weed for sleep. And, well, it's weird for sleep. sleep. Okay, but it's the only thing that's ever worked ever. Oh, really? Do you use edibles? Flower the other day, edibles the other day? Yeah. But the thing is, I think it prevents you from going into REM sleep or it hinders your REM sleep. Yeah, but it lets you watch, it lets you watch yourself enter sleep, which rules. Like being like, and goodbye is sick. Because every morning you

wake up and you go, I don't remember falling asleep, but on weed, you're like, this is it. Here it is. Here we go. Yeah. No, I know a lot of people that use it for sleep. I know a lot of people that always hated weed and used to like when I would smoke, they were like, why? Weed makes you lazy. I'm like, it doesn't. I'm telling you it doesn't.

You're lazy. Weed does not make you lazy. That's me. I always thought weed makes you lazy, but I'm using it for sleep. Yeah, I thought it too until I was 30. I met my friend Eddie. My friend Eddie Bravo was the one who got me high for the first time when I was like 30 years old. I hadn't gotten high since I think I got high like maybe.

a small handful of times when I was a comedian when I first started doing comedy rather and then before I was a comedian like maybe my whole life maybe seven eight times ever being high ever until I was 30 no I just didn't like not being in control

yeah you know I always associated people who did drugs with people who never got anything done and they were a bunch of fucking losers and I never wanted to be that if you smoked a blunt right now you would have no fear that it could turn a bad way. No. You don't have any of the like my heart's going to stop.

I can hear my blood in my ears. Oh, no. You don't have any of that? No, no, no, no, no. Have you ever? Sure. I've gotten paranoid before. Yeah.

But you just ride it out. I had to figure out why. And generally it's like there's something bothering me in life. There's something. So the real thing about it is it gets exposes something that's bothering you. Well, you should go probably fix that. Yeah, but what if the thing that's bothering me? you is that you can't deal with the fact that you have skin you know what I mean like that's what

happens to me when I smoke weed is I'm like this shit is got to go it's crazy you have a different mind than me I guess my shit just I mean that's the thing I wouldn't recommend it for everybody I know people can't smoke they don't like being paranoid I like it I like being a little scared yes some of you fuckers love that shit I like being a little scared because of an after the panic you're you're like good now good but also it's good to know like maybe you have blinders on and there's some real vulnerabilities in the world, and you should probably consider them sometimes. So you've never had a crazy one that you were like, that's not right. That's crazy. No, not that bad. I've just been real paranoid before. Just super high and like, yikes. And then you calm

down. You're like, who once it's over, you're fine. It's crazy for you to be paranoid because you're like one of the people that should be paranoid. You have like lizard man coming after you or whatever is. What is it? What's his name, lizard guy? Liver King. Liver King. What happened he? Yeah, if anybody should be paranoid, I should probably be a little paranoid. But anybody in the public eye should be a little paranoid.

Anybody, you included. Yeah, I've gotten high and deleted some stuff. Yeah. For sure. But like, whoa. Right. This is going to come down. Well, I think marijuana is a tool, like everything else.

I think you can learn things from it. And I think it's like steroids for comedy. You can come up with some stuff when you're high that I don't think is available. I don't think, yeah, I don't think those thoughts are available if you're sober. There's things that I wrote that I wrote when I was high. I was like, there's no way I was writing that without any help. Yeah, I guess I've had it a little bit, but I have to hit the sweet spot or I go right into panic. Oh, yeah, the sweet spot.

Yeah. That's the key. You know what helps me if I always have a Xanax somewhere. Oh, no. Like it just exists in my house. So you know. So I just know that there's a, yeah, a bullet that I can pull. That's a crazy one.

That's a scary, addictive one. Zanax is so addictive. Yeah, Jordan Peterson, speaking of which, he was on that shit. I thought it was Klondike bar, Klonopin. I thought it was on them Klondex. Well, he was definitely on benzodiazepine for a long time. That shit. That's Zanx.

And so that's one of the ones where you get off of Xanax, where you could die. There's only a couple of drugs where if you get off of it, you could die. Alcohol is another one. Alcohol's on, yeah. Yeah, but Xanax is another one. And it's really hard for people. Dude, I bought Clonopin in Mexico, and I was like, I'm just going to use this when I have a panic attack. Dawn, done in two weeks.

Every night, I was being like, well, mind if I take a little bit, I feel a little, and I was like, oh, you need to never allow this around you. I got a Xanax the other day, and my friend was like, you can have as many as you want. And I was like, I need one and never give me another again, because this is a thing that I'll keep it just in case. Just like break glass in case of war. Break glass. It's a break glass pill. Yeah, totally. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or else like, fuck, our benzos are fucking, dude. I've heard. You've never done? No. I was on a flight once with a lady, and she said, there is nothing in this world that's better than a Xanax and a glass of wine. Yeah. And I was like, I don't think you're supposed to drink with Xanax.

She's like, nope. It's so sick, dude. The lady didn't give a fuck. What was what I did the other day? Poppers? Oh, no. Emil Nitrate? Poppers, dude, I had no idea.

Because I don't do anything. And I was dancing at a wedding. and my gay friend was like sniff these. Oh, gay guys love that. The best. They love the poppers. Just a mini rave for a second? How much did you do?

A lot. How many times did you do it? Enough where I felt fucked up, like five. I know. It gives you instant brain damage. Yeah, that's what it felt like. I think it does. I think it's like it cooks your brain.

It's got to be bad. Because I went from being such a downer to being like, marriage is stupid. It didn't mean like, yeah, it was crazy. I was dragging people in. Yeah. But that's like the brain damage from the boxing where you're like, dude, sometimes I need to be a little stupid for a second. Or else I'm just constantly being like, society is evil.

I wonder what's worse for you, amyl nitrate or boxing? I don't know. What's the side effects of amyl nitrate? Because I know a lot of the gay fellas like it when they bought them. What it's actually made four is to relieve pain of angina attacks. Oh. Which I don't even know if you get that. What is angina?

What the fuck? I thought that was like digestive. The part between your anus and your vagina. Angina? What is the side effects of amyl nitrate abuse? Angina attacks the chest pain, discomfort caused by reduced blood flow to the heart. Oh, okay. And so amyl nitrate reduces that?

That's the... Reduces the pain of it. Oh. Because it relaxes the blood vessels and increases the blood and oxygen to heart. Also relaxes that booty hole. the butthole open. Woo. I was worried I was going to shit my pants

so I did it. Were you? Yeah, but I didn't do. I think other things have to happen for you to shoot your pants. Yeah, a gay man has to try and have sex with me. Someone has to pound you in the asshole. Um, side effects, headaches, dizziness,

flushing, rapid heart rate. I got stuck on a friend. More severe risk, life-threatening blood condition called metamoglobin. Methomah. Say that. Help me out. Methem.

Methem. And thenmoglobinemia. And dangerous drops in blood pressure, especially when combined with other drugs. Hmm. Methamoglog. Does it cause brain damage? Google does amyl nitrate brain damage. Dude, you better say that it does, or else I'm doing that right now.

Damage didn't come right up. Oh, fuck. Let's see. It can cause both acute and long-term brain damage. Why wouldn't it come up immediately? primarily through two long term acute and long term brain damage primarily through two mechanisms oxygen deprivation and direct neurotoxicity severe or prolonged exposure can lead to permanent cognitive and neurological issues yeah i mean you feel that immediately when you sniff it you're like this can't be good this is it feels like somebody's hitting it back in bed and you're like duh it's so crazy it's like whip it's oh but way more right i feel like yeah last way longer i did whip it's that Newport Creamery place that worked at because we had like real whippets.

Like a giant whipped cream canister, like a huge one. That's sick. Like the real things where you make the whipped cream, we'd have to pour the sugar and pour the cream and then mix it. Yeah. If I do that with a whipped cream bottle,

aren't you not allowed to use any of the whipped cream? That's always been my problem. Oh, we had the gas. We had the actual gas back there. One of the kids that we worked with was a total dirt bag and he knew how to get high off the gas. We would all go back there and get high with this guy. That's so fun.

I always did it like once or twice because you hit it and you like, you like have like almost like an out of body like, whoa, whoa, you're like, whoa. You're like, whoa. It's awesome. Yeah. And it only lasts like 15, 20 seconds. And I was like, oh my God, you're dumbing up as it is. Don't get dumber. Right.

It's always the idiots in the back of a place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just used to get so high. I used to smoke a blonde every morning before school and I just would get, oh, it was so crazy stupid. And then when I got older, my brain was just like, you can't have any more of this. If you do, you're going to bite your tongue. It's definitely probably not good for kids.

Oh, yeah. We were so high at the time when your kids. It's like, God. Like, you're developing. Your brain's developing while it's constantly being bombarded by THC. That's not good. My dad was just such a weed guy. He was like a, you can smoke weed with me whenever you want.

Oh, that's funny. Have you smoked weed with your kids ever? No. Oh, yeah. No, no, no, no. But I told them, we've had conversations. conversations about drugs. And I said the most important thing is stay away from any and all pills for a bunch of reasons, not just because what the pill supposedly is is bad for you, but because I bet what's in that pill is not what's supposed to be in there because of fentanyl. And they know that. And powder. Coke is fucked. Oh, yeah. Coke is fucked. I think Coke is the worst. Well, it's all fentanyl now. It's all, there's so much fentanyl. And there's fake Xanaxes and they're all fentanyl. There's Molly, fake Molly. It's all fentanyl.

And the fentanyl, if it's small enough, is fine. Wow, it's so much. It's so small, the amount that can kill you. Have you seen the amount of fentanyl that is lethal? That that cop showed? No, like, have you ever seen, like, in comparison to a penny? There's a photograph on the internet of the amount of fentanyl in comparison to a penny that's lethal. That will 100% put you in the fucking ground.

And it's so small. It's the best feeling ever, though, when you go under for surgery and they give it to you. Is it? Yeah. Which gets surgery on it? I used to be so fat that I had all the skin and I got it cut off. Yo. How painful was that?

Afterwards, brutal. Oh. They kind of shuttled me out pretty fast. They were like, all right, go out and out. See you. Go home. It was crazy. Draining.

Yeah. Go home and drain. Draining. Yeah. Yeah. It had to go, though. It was in the way. Must be happy now, right, that you did it?

Yeah, totally. It was stuck in my, it was getting my zipper. Oh, yeah. I was happy to tuck in. Yeah, like a dick. Dikes. It was awful. I've only caught my dick in my zipper like two or three times in my life.

That's brutal. It's not fun. How do you catch it in there? Wait, why is your dick up that hot? Oh, I see, baggy pants. But he's just not paying attention, like going raw dog. It's weird that you guys have a whole external package down there. You just have balls on the outside.

The balls in the outside is the dumbest fucking invention of all time. I'm sorry about that. The itchiness and the wetness. That's not the problem. The problem is getting kicked there. Oh, yeah. That's the problem. Yeah, but that evolution had to give you that.

You had to have something. I guess. Yeah. I guess. We have so many problems. It's just to keep them from overheating because you need sperm. Where they hang. Yeah.

Well, they have to be able to cool in the breeze because if they're getting overheated, it's not good for you. It's not good for the swimmers. It's crazy that you just have a unit dangling off your body that's keeping it. It's crazy. And it's the most vulnerable part of your body other than your eyeballs. Yeah. It's just hanging out there. It helps, though.

Men are very intimidated. It helps that you guys have that. That you have a spot to hit? Totally. It helps. I don't think we would mate with you easily without the balls. Interesting. Sometimes when the penis goes in and the balls touch you, you go, oh, yeah, he's just a person.

This is safe. You know what I mean? Because you have two squishy guys that are like, don't worry about this fucker. He's just hard, you know? But it helps us remember that you're fallible. The balls do. Totally. If you guys were just rods running around, we'd be like, go away from me.

Well, imagine if you didn't have to get hard to have sex. Like, you didn't have to be a ralable. That would be crazy. Like animals. Animals just have a bone. Oh. Yeah. How do they?

They don't have to get hard. Uh-uh. Dogs get the red rocket. But they have a bone, though. Ew. There's a bone in there. In there? Yeah, yeah.

You could break your dog's dick? What is that bone called again? We have one out there. A giant fossilized walrus bone. Vaculum. That's right. It's a bone. Yeah.

I think all animals have it except for human beings. Monkeys can't have it. monkeys have a baculum? Probably not. They're always jacking off. They're always jacking off, dude. Always. Always. You go to. You have to cover the children's eyes. Chimps, gorillas, monkeys. Oh, everything. It's like, it's designed to be jacked off. It's right there where your hand drops.

That's... Some species? Some species? Yeah, only some species. But they're like a little fuzzy ones. Not the ones that look like us. Deer have it, right? I'm pretty sure deer do. Matter of fact, I know they do. And so do, to like moose and elk and what mammals don't primates oh it's present in some species within the orders of primates rodents and carnivora i don't know what that is bears dogs and walruses all have a bone because like you don't have time to get hard okay you're out there in the wild shit's crazy what they just slide it in just ram it in there yeah yeah yeah yeah i was just thinking that would be a

really fun. If that's where the term, if you lack a backbone, the back. Oh. I don't think that's where it comes from. I don't think so. Our primate ancestors did have one suggesting it was lost through evolution. That's kind of weird. Probably lost when the aliens came down

and manipulated us. When was that lost? When women? Cats don't, really? Wow. But cats have like a hooked dick where they get stuck. A barb? Yeah, have you ever heard cats where they're stuck together? Oh, yeah. And they're fucking ass to ass and they can't get loose

and they're fucking kicking each other not present in humans present the peanuts of some primates gorillas and chimpanzees have baculums wow what chimpanzees have them yep wow rodents back when did we lose them when it what evolutionary step

did we take to lose them I think it's probably when women started being like that guy I want that guy's jeans and not that guys hmm right because if I kept getting loads blown in me by betas right It doesn't serve our population. Right.

I have to be like, that alpha male's sick. Right. So I'm going to rub my monkey butt. Like his dick. Whereas other species, it's like, it's a free for all. Yeah. Well, other species also, I bet we probably got rid of it as soon as we figured out habitation. So as soon as we figured out homes and doors and we could structure, you know, like keep people out.

Yeah, yeah. And you'd be like that monkey. The dick bone just whither away. Yeah, totally. Her theory is unaligned with, I think, Richard Dawkins theory, sort of. Oh, look at this. proposed honest advertising as evolutionary explanation for the loss of the baculum hypothesis states that if erection failure is a sensitive early warning of ill health

aha physical or mental females could have gauged the health of a potential mate based on his ability to achieve erection without the support of a baculum everybody i date has penis problems every comic needs a bluechew so i shouldn't be letting any of their baculums in my baculum oh no dude are you only dating comics is that i'm not anymore i'm done but that's what i've done forever and you Musicians, which is the same thing. Basically. Yeah.

Same problem. But constant blue chew. Well, it's crazy to be at a group of comics. Well, it's a crazy new thing, right? Like, what did they do in the 60s? I think they said, hey, I have a problem where sometimes I don't get hard. And here's the things I could use from you to help. And now they just go, nope, I'm hard, which is psycho.

Here's the things that I could use for me to help, though, won't work on everybody. But this is like the selection thing. It would keep those guys from breeding. Oh, that's right. That's probably what it is. People of ill health. Like, there's probably a reason why your dick can't get hard. Blue 2dick is so weird.

It feels like a strap-on. And it's attached to somebody who's anxious. And then it's just this rock hard dick. It doesn't make sense. Right. Because you're like, this guy's afraid to be here. And that dick is not his dick. That's somebody else's fucking...

He's afraid to be here. You get guys that are afraid? Oh, yeah. Totally. We're like, oh, it's not even... Yeah, there's something about the stand-up and the... It's, I think people just think that I'm gonna be mean to them. Oh, that's it, because you're funny.

Yeah, totally. And if you're funnier than the guys, you're fucking, that's a real problem. Yeah. Yeah. Which, I don't think I've ever had sex with somebody above me in comedy. That's a problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, you're, uh, huh, uh, uh, yeah, totally. They're scared of you. I think they're scared of me and they also are scared of, yeah, I think it's mainly they're scared of looking foolish and having me be like. Right, and then you're in her act. Yeah, totally. Like, dude, the amount of dating app people that are like, I don't want to be in your act. I'm like, fuck.

We've never even met, you piece of shit. It's so crazy how many people say that. Yeah, the dating app thing is wild. Yeah. When I see people just like constantly scrolling and picking people and choosing people, my single friends that are on dating apps, that's an addiction unto itself because there's always someone waiting. Yeah. There's always some new. This is not, I don't like the way she smiles.

Fuck this. I'm out of here. And then next thing you know, you've got. three or four more dates lined up and well it's ruin dating because everybody has a queue of people they can date so they go on a date I know so many people who are like I walked out after five minutes and I'm like oh god you don't know that person and also it probably benefit you to have an hour long conversation with somebody like right as opposed to being like sorry we're not compatible right but I think women are worried about guys getting fixated on them and

then not leaving them alone and then texting them and fucking with them and then being mean when they get rejected that's the best the DMs I have that are like just please we love I love you so much and then whore and I'm like wow I never have responded once it's crazy they do get fixated for sure

but then you yeah but then you have to then it teaches you to set boundaries which is good to be like hey man I'm not going to text with you anymore you gotta chill all that's gonna go away when you put on the headset

I know when it goes we all lock in and we'll go and we'll just be able to tell them fuck off well you're gonna read their minds too you're gonna know oh my god this guy's a total sociopath

He doesn't give a fuck about anybody but himself. Everything he's saying is a lie. But that's so fucked up. For people with OCD who are like, what if I kill that cat and they just get... No, no, no, no. You'll probably be able to see why they think that way. Like, oh, no, no, no, you're okay. Like, you're just freaking out.

And maybe you won't think that way when you're embraced by this hive mind. Maybe you'll abandon all that. Maybe that'll be, like, one of the great side effects of it. It would be good for people... Like, my best friend was paralyzed from the C2 down. And it would be good to read her mind and be like, what is actually the pain coming from? Because she was like, I don't know if there's pain.

Right. You know? Well, we had the guy on who had the very first neuralink, and he's paralyzed. He paralyzed like a diving accident. And he uses his head now to control his computer. Like he can play video games with just the chip, so he can't move his arms. And he's playing video games. And he says, it's like I have an aim bot because I can point to what I want to shoot

and like immediately shoot at it. Eye movement. His brain. His brain moves the cursor around. That's awesome. How? I don't know. Like he just moves it around.

I can feel like I can. Somehow or another, the way the computer interfaces with the neurochip, so the brain interfaces with the chip, which interfaces with the computer, and somehow or another, you can control movement. And they're getting better and better at it. That's crazy. Which is a problem for the people that got the first one. Okay, you're going to be able to play.

pull that out and give me a new one? Yeah. And I asked him about that. I was like, if they, is this like it? And he's like, I think this is the only one

that I can get. I mean, maybe as technology advances, they'll be able to take this one out and put a new one in. But at one point in time, like the wires were coming out and it wasn't working anymore.

And so they had to like re-inject them back in. Shuff them back in there. That's crazy. I mean, we started doing that with back pain, right? Where people stick it in to fix the nerves in your back? Do they?

Yeah. My uncle had that. Well, that's the ultimate goal of Neurrelink is to restore movement. It's going to be able to replace your entire spinal system. You'll be able to, this thing will tell your muscles and your brain to fire. So if you're a break in your spinal cord, it'll be able to bridge that, and you'll be able to use your body like you normally would. This is like the ultimate goal.

That's going to piss me off if this comes out after it, because my paralyzed friends passed away. I hate that when this stuff comes out. I'm like, God, you motherfucker. It's always going to happen that way. She was getting into stuff. though she's getting into ear ear ear touch if you touch her ears she'd get pumped yeah that was a thing she was getting into all that she had like a servant that would make art for her that was awesome so she kind of had it she kind of had her own little neural link of girls that she paid we're probably

about five years away from an unrecognizable world you think five years yeah what about structures I mean it'll be recognizable in terms of buildings but I think like the way the world interfaces the way we interface with the world's going to be very different you think it's like walk into a space and it'll be like welcome jordan jensen we have yeah yeah probably weirder than that because there probably won't be people working there bro the waymo is sick you like it i thought i was so against it i got in it not having to talk to some fucker being able to fart at will right just but here's what i'm wondering why don't people go take me to an hour place away and just fucking it it's got to be cheaper than a hotel

I bet people do. Gross. This won't go on the freeway yet, but people are definitely doing all that stuff. Really? They're probably fucking, there's got to be cameras filming people fucking. There's cameras that people don't care. I think they just. Yeah, they're like, let's go.

Put on a fucking Nixon mask and fuck, let's go. Yeah. But I really like them. Well, it's certainly probably safer. You know, they don't really get in that many accidents. If they do, it's usually somebody else's fault, not the Waymo's fault. I'm sick of looking at plane pilots and being like, he's going to be bad. this is going to be man

LA I had one that was so caked up his ass was so amazing it was the worst flight of my life I was like yeah we can't have these LA beautiful Barbies doing this he was like a perfect Kendall and I was like this is crazy they're gonna be replaced

great replaced with AI AI is gonna fly all the planes I would love that I hate the idea of these guys getting sleepies I hate that no that's a big part of plane crashes how about they have strokes they got that fifth booster and they fucking stroke out

Why there are there? Does that happen? Oh, yeah. No. Oh, yeah. People are stroked out while they're flying. I'm not religious, but the private plane thing freaks me out because I'm worried that if God were to smite one of the planes, he'd be like, yeah, the comic who thinks their hot shit with a private jet. Dead.

You're dead. Now one has kids in it. That's what God's going to do. Not terrorists. Oh, yeah, not terrorists. No. Smite the comic with a big ego. Yeah.

That's funny. The people that take the photos in front of the private jet, they're the ones going to get smitten. Yeah. You post it right before you get on the plight. I worry about that 100%. You're going down, dude I'll look at a plane that I'm on

and see if there's kids. I'm like, oh, we're safe. We're safe. God's not going to kill these kids. That's funny. Yeah, totally. Thank you. Thanks for being here.

It's a lot of fun. Watch my special. It's available right now on Netflix. What's it called? Today, it came out today. Today. Take me with you.

Take me with you. All right. Hell yeah. Thanks for having me. My pleasure. I'll see you tonight. Let's some fun. Hell yeah.

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