The Joe Rogan Experience - #242 - Justin Halpern

Episode Date: July 19, 2012

Joe sits down with Justin Halpern.

Oh yeah, use the code name Rogan. Save 10%. The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night. All day. That was probably the worst one ever. You didn't like that one? DJ Red Band.

I liked that one. No, it was interesting. It was definitely, you definitely threw a curveball. I need to get more sound effects or something. Yeah, you're fucking awesome though, what you have buddy you're awesome echo echo and fade that's all you need man it's all you need it's perfect so old school justin what's up man how you doing good thanks for having me oh please thank you thanks for being on so you uh you're the dude who created the shit my dad says twitter account which became a cultural phenomenon. It's you, man. Yeah, I know.

It's crazy. How'd you do that? You're a bad motherfucker. Maybe my dad is. I don't know. Is it all really stuff he says, or do you kind of juice it up a little bit every now and then? I'll edit it to get it into the 140 characters in Twitter. But it's all his sentiments?

Yeah, definitely. I mean, he would fucking flip out if I – because he checks it like once every two months to make sure it's like stuff that he said. So I wouldn't – How does he feel about this, man? That's got to be a trip. All of a sudden your likeness is being portrayed on television by Captain Kirk. Yeah, that he was like, the show is shitty.

He's like, the television show is shitty. And I don't totally disagree. But he honestly didn't give a shit about William Shatner or the TV show at all. He liked the book that I wrote. He was into that. He's more into reading than he is watching TV. Have you ever thought about putting a camera

on him? Does he want to do that? He would hurl it to the ground. Yeah. not he's not into that at all he's just really that guy yeah i mean that's a weird line though you've you've kind of drawn you know you've like depicted him yeah well i was really worried about telling because i didn't tell him at first you know first couple months i didn't think i just it was for my friends so i was like nobody's gonna see this so there's no i shouldn't bother him with it and then when it's like blew up and people were like hey you're interested in doing a book i was like well i should tell my dad first when did you start the twitter account it was crazy i started in august 2009 and by i think like august 21st i started

august 3rd by august 21st i had like 300 000 followers it was nuts like it just went viral and then probably like two weeks later was at a million holy shit yeah it was it was like right when twitter was like you remember that like ashton kutcher race to a million yeah like that kind of bullshit was going on and and so it was like it was in the news like if it happened now i don't know but but back then it was like perfect timing. Wow. It's amazing. Yeah. It's incredible. So just out of the word of mouth, basically, people just sharing it with themselves, it literally went viral to a million people.

Yeah. Yeah, it did. I think like it was at like 10,000 one day when I went to bed. It was at 10,000. And then Rob Corddry tweeted it. And then he tweeted a link like, I like this. And who is Rob Corddry? Rob Corddry is a comedian.

He was in Hot Tub Time Machine and The Daily Show and stuff. He was just like a – I'm sure I know him. Yeah, yeah. I'm sure you crossed paths with him at some point. He had like a million followers or something. And so when he tweeted it out, then all of a sudden the next day it was like 100,000. Wow.

It just kind of just kept going faster and faster and people kept sharing it. And then it was like, all right, well, what am I going to do now? How old were you when this was going on? 29. Wow. What is this like? I mean, you're sitting there, you're going, okay, what do I do with this? Yeah, well, I was living at home.

Wow. So I was writing for Maxim and I was living at home i just split up with my uh girl or she had split up with me to be more frank um and uh and so i just like didn't know what the fuck i was gonna do because i was just sitting there devastated yeah and i was like living in my childhood bedroom it was like really depressing oh no yeah and then when all this stuff started happening you know i'd been writing, you know, I'd been writing for a while and I'd been up here writing and waiting tables and doing all that stuff. And then been writing for magazines last couple of years before that. And then this guy reached out

to me and he was like, maybe you could, you know, is there, maybe there's a book in this. And so then I started to sort of sit down and write some essays about just stories about me and my dad and then sort of submitted them. How many stories do you have? I got a lot of stories. He's crazy. But for the book, I wrote like 12 essays. So like if that book was single spaced and in like normal font, it'd be like nine pages.

But yeah, I mean that book was like, yeah, around 12 or 13 essays, maybe like 160, 170 pages. And I kind of just tried to keep ones that didn't feel redundant. So is your dad just like always on about everything? Does he always have something funny to say about everything? Is he just that guy all day? No, he's not. He'll be just like quiet for two hours,

and then he'll just like explode on you or something. He just like a lot of shit pisses him off. Right. And he doesn't have a lot of people to talk to because he doesn't have any friends except for my mom i mean that's the way he wants it though like he doesn't he doesn't want yeah he really doesn't he's like my best he's like my best friend lives in tennessee i see him once a year i'm like that's a that's not a good best friend i think he well why is he chosen that's that's meaning that behavior is uh because like you not want to have friends he just would rather be able to not say like say whatever

he wanted unfiltered like he always just tells the truth so you kind of like lose a lot of friends along the way you would think you would gain them he the ones he has like two or three and they're super close like they're grizzled old guys that say shit like i'd die for you you're like when would that ever come up but okay so yeah but i mean like he he he's not so he's not always on but you know he's got really like interesting he grew up in the south and but he's a doctor so like he grew up on a farm he's in the military he was like a tobacco farmer until he was like you know 15 16 so you know i think he's got a unique perspective wow yeah that's a pretty intense life but he doesn't want to do anything publicly he doesn't want to like be you know i mean have you ever interviewed him on anything or yeah you know i did for this for my second book that came out i

did uh i was like well i was like you didn't want like you have a lot of fans you want to do that like nobody gives a shit about me like they want to see you do you want to like i was like do you want to do like a video interview or something that's if you buy the ebook you get like you know whatever and he was like i'll do it if it's you me and the camera and i'm like well what about somebody to run the camera he's like fucking him out i'm like all right fine i'll run the camera and be really yeah so i was like me turning on the camera and then running over and sitting in the thing and being like what is uh he just doesn't want another person in the room he just doesn't get along with people that well wow so he's just a grizzled old dude like i feel like maybe that's how they made him back then i don't know but uh i mean like the thing the weird thing

is if you came up and to him on the street he'd be like a perfect gentleman you know right like he'd be totally cool he'd be keeping it together he doesn't really want to talk to you not really he's not gonna be rude to you he just doesn't really want to so he picks out a couple people like his family and he's like this is it this is these are the people i talk to yeah i'm not talking to anybody else yeah that's how my grandfather was also really my grandfather was really just like one of those like scream at your wife like doors get over here and just like not like a not a happy I grew up with a grandfather who was he's a great guy, but him and his wife fought like cats and dogs. It was crazy. My grandparents used to fucking scream at each other. They would scream at each other. That was like four, five.

It was like this little monkey watching these crazy old Italians. Don't rush me, Joe! Don't you fucking rush me! My grandmother would be screaming at my grandfather. I'm like, whoa. That's what I remember. I remember at a very early age going whoa the relationships can go this far south fuck man dude i think i feel like people back then they

used to do like they keep it together yeah it's a little harder life and nobody's getting divorced as much as they are now so it's like yeah it's a totally different world man it was a dangerous scary world back then that was a you know they lived they lived through the world wars the depression like that kind of shit my grandparents came over here during the depression you know that's like that's when they arrived they arrived like right in the middle of the shit so the fact that they were sane at all you know the fact that they made it through and had family and actually had those family like go off yeah and survive on their own in the wild it's incredible yeah i feel like it was i mean i know it sounds kind of like cliche to say but it was just a way harder existence yeah you had to be way tougher you had to be

you had to be someone who dealt with a lot more tragedy that's for sure yeah for the most part you know you just you know you i think the world was just a harsher, more animalistic place almost back then. People didn't want to hear any bullshit. Yeah, it's unfortunate, man. So many people from those really hard eras grew up without much joy. They have funny shit to say, but it's just angry, fucked up funny. I know. My dad, he grew up on a tobacco farm.

Wow. When he was like like 10 he worked the farm even at 10 he fell off a wagon and rolled over his arm and it crushed his elbow and when they took him to the doctor the doctors told his dad he was like i can amputate his arm and he'll live for sure or i can give him like these this medication and maybe there's only a 30 chance that he lives and he said his dad was like let him die there's no there's no room in the world for a one-armed farmer holy shit holy shit that was just like how it was back then the doctor was like all right cool and then just it gives him the stuff you do wow yeah that was 10 his dad said let him die yeah he said let him die there's no room in the world for a one-armed farmer. Holy shit. Imagine thinking that when you're 10, that you're not even, no one cares about you. Your arm is broken.

And they're like, let him die. Well, this is how crazy my dad is. When he told me that story, I was like, that's so fucked up. He's like, what are you talking about? He saved my arm. I'm like, are you insane? That's what you take from that? Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. insane like that's what you take from that oh my god jesus christ i've been um watching all these documentaries uh recently about neanderthals you know and about uh you know there's like

people that are talking about like they're pretty much pretty sure that most white people have some percentage of neanderthal in us and imagine if if you, for some reason, had to go back to that time and survive. Imagine how hard that would suck to be making spears with fucking rocks and animals seeing you. I mean, would you just take your clothes off and just walk into the ocean and drown? Would you just give up?

I mean, would you even want to get to today? I've actually thought a lot about that because I was like, I thought about like how far back in time I'd have to go to actually be able to invent anything that was cool. And I don't know how anything works. I just use dolls.

I would, if that was the case, yeah, I would just do what you said. You would think like, man, do I really? I think your survival instincts would kick in, but you wouldn't have this esoteric search for happiness, this deep search for happiness like everybody has. Like, I just don't know where I'm at at this point in my life. Like, okay, you know why?

Because there's no fucking struggle. You're getting through your day, hopping in your Range Rover with your little tiny dog, and there's just no real struggle. Okay, so you're confused and you're saddened you might be happier if you were chasing animals with a fucking pointy stick you might you might be happy if you were running a farm you might be might be man i mean you can even see it today in like really shitty countries nobody's like should i pursue a law degree you're like no

i just want to stay alive just fucking stay alive yeah there's a lot of there's a lot of weirdness to this life you know this life is we we might not be set up to handle it you know we might not be set up to to deal with all the pressures the technology and society and all this all this information that's coming at us all the time we might not be set up for that shit well it's like you were saying before we started like people get crazy when they get online yeah some people do it's uh some people it's like they could finally lash out they could fuck the world back like the world's been fucking them you know they just feel like the world fucks them like everywhere they turn it's like this is not working out you know you you're you're looking at television like that's not my life you know you're looking at the reality is most people out there just not doing exactly what

they want to do and they want to be angry at somebody and all day the most of them work and if you're working most of the time you have to keep your fucking mouth shut you can't say what you want to say you can't you're in an office so the bunch of people you'd actually get sued for trying to crack jokes you know you can't say anything sexual you know if you do you're going to go to court and you're going to get sued for sexual harassment it's like it's really restrictive. And then they get online. And they're like, you fucking suck. You fucking kill yourself.

Drown in AIDS. And it's like this concentrated attack on Britney Spears or anybody. That's what it is. It's like this little volcano of hate that just pops out. It's because these poor fucks live a shit life. I had ones when shit my dad says first started getting popular. And like, I got a, I got a book deal out of it.

And I was checking at replies the day it did. And this guy had filled up cause you can only have 140 characters per tweet, right? He had filled up like 15 or 20 tweets, just all caps faggot the whole way down at me it was just actually my dad says it was just non-stop uh like he spent like probably like 10 or 15 minutes just doing non-stop faggot there's something funny about that though did you laugh i was dying laughing i took a screenshot i would send to all my friends and stuff. Oh, that's fucking great, man.

That is great. What a silly bitch. Is there a tweet that you did that it's your favorite one that you still look back at and like, man, that was great? And that's one in particular? Yeah, because for me, he said them to me. So there's context to it and stuff. And this one time, he loves our dog more than like people. And, and he brought our, he took the dog to the dog party.

He walked in one day and sit on the couch and he's like, he's like, well, I guess we're, we're banned from the dog park. And I was like, fuck, what happened? He's like, I guess it's okay to bark and it's okay to hump. But if you do both at the same time it freaks people out it's just like the thought of my dog just like angrily raping other dogs like there and then my dad somebody having to come to my dad and say something about it like it wasn't what he said that was so funny to me it was just like that scenario made me laugh that's hilarious you were one of the first uh uh twitter followers that i remember that like

was like cool like i found this this this hilarious twitter and then my girlfriend i told her at her at the time and she was like oh my god this is the best thing ever and she told her like and i just watched it like like become like something i thought i found myself and then growing to just being everywhere ever you were pretty much being retweeted by every single person i know at one point uh have you because have you like are you over it now are you have you gotten to a point where you're like i just want to write books now and uh or or is it do you are you still in love with twitter uh doing the twitter thing i mean i honest. Like, it was such a lucky break for me that I sort of just feel, I mean, it sounds cheesy, but I feel just, like, really grateful for everything that's happened.

So, to me, it's never, like, it didn't wear off and, like, ah, I got this dumb thing here. It's like, well, that fucking made my whole career. So, I mean, to me, I still, I don't do it as much. But I definitely don't have like that same kind of feeling where it's like i'm over this it's still like something that i really connect with i guess you must have been so psyched you totally hit the lottery it was it was exactly like hitting the lottery it really was it's amazing what did you want to do before you did that did you always want to be a writer yeah i had I had worked up here. I'd waited tables in L.A. and I had sold a screenplay

and stupidly quit my job and then had to go back to it after I ran out of money. But I'd been struggling as a screenwriter for a while and so this was exactly what I wanted to do. It was sort of gifted to me. Wow. And from there, how do you get this tv deal how does that happen and how

do they get william shakner to play your dad and like where did it all go afoul because it's a it's it's fascinating that they found a way to make something that's really funny not that funny no it's true i mean it's really like that's exactly what happened it's like find the center and pour water. You know, like I wrote the book proposal, and I had sent it out just as a book. And the book was just like R-rated, like the Twitter feed, you know, but with stories. And then as soon as it got out there, the network started calling, being like, we want to do this. And I remember saying to my – I have a screenwriting partner. I remember saying to him, I'm like, how could we do this on a network?

He says, fuck every other word. Like how could we do this on a network it he says fuck every other word like we can't do it on a network and and then i and then i was like wait i need to just shut up and just like do this you know and try and uh i just i remember early on we sat with the standards and practices person at cbs because we ended up i i pitched it and we sold the cbs and and uh when we sold it the standards and practices person was like all right here's the list of words that you can't say or even like intimate you know and uh intimate and and uh it was like everything he says and i was like all right this is that's ridiculous this is gonna suck having a conversation with the standards

and practices person can be mad dang yeah you're like what you can't what it's really weird it's amazing what you can and can't say what people don't understand is like cable you can say anything yeah and the only reason why they don't say everything is just their own discretion it's the idea that sponsors don't want to be on a show that you know says fucking cunt and whatever. So, but the FCC doesn't regulate cable. Yeah, it's crazy. I mean, it was, I guess, and I also, like, because after we did that, when we got Shatner to star in it, I was like, well, maybe, you know, like, he'll, it'll, when it's coming through his mouth, it'll sound different.

But it was just like, my dad's, like, unintentionally funny. He's not, like, cracking jokes, really. In sitcoms, you know, it's like set up punchline, set up punchline. And it just didn't fit that format at all. I think with HBO and Showtime, I think networks look ridiculous. I agree. Trying to just only use limited language. And with movies and, like like what kind of a fucking stupid

anti-evolutionary concept is that are we going to pretend forever that these words are forbidden like really we're living in 2012 with the internet and we've got forbidden words you can't broadcast them and if they if you do they can come and take your numbers who will take your numbers away you know what the fuck kind of science fiction movie is this? There's certain sounds you can't make with your mouth. They're illegal. Even though they're indistinguishable from other words that you can't get away with saying. I mean, everybody knows exactly what the fuck you're talking about.

But if you say it with a certain sound, a certain sound that comes out of your mouth, it's so stupid. I think it's getting better. But it's still the same. You can't say cunt on television. Yeah, but I bet it will happen. You can't say she's a cunt because sometimes someone's a cunt. You can't say that.

You could never say that on television. No, absolutely never. There's no substitution for that word in the right context, the right form. You should be allowed to use it. It's the right word, goddammit. Do you think it would happen? I think it would happen right before a a woman becomes president that will probably go through

so never so never we have this hunt legislation we're gonna pay you should be able to use all the words so it's so stupid it should always be about intent what what is your intent what are you what are you trying to say it shouldn't be about words shouldn't be about magic words that's craziness you're you're artificially giving these words power and making them ridiculous and eliminating them from all discourse during the day you know while you're at the business you can't be you know this fucking cunting coffee machine you can't say that that's why when i like that old guy that was selling winnebago's you remember that dude yes another viral sensation you ever seen that brian yeah the guy's awesome right why is it awesome because he's a fucking nice guy trying to sell

winnebago he said it's fucking shit i'm fucking can't remember this fucking piece of shit and of course i fuck my lines up you know he gets going crazy it's really fun to watch because you're looking at this guy who's like this button down poor fuck who can't swear during the day and you get to see like it's i think it's like real moments so that's what's enjoyable so when i see like a bullshitty sanitized thing on network tv you're like well that's not how real people talk or act but how weird must have been for you because you this is coming from your dad who who's fucking hilarious to you. And so inspiring to you that you write all this shit down and put it out to people.

People respond to his exact words. Millions of them get onto your Twitter and follow you. So it's very obvious that that combination in the exact form works. But they're like, no, no, no. You got to scrub it with bleach. You've just got to keep scrubbing it with bleach until you have this dead version of what it could have been. It's so stupid.

I mean, that's exactly kind of how it felt. It's so dumb. They're the same people, you dummies. The same people that subscribe on Twitter are the same people that would watch the TV show, are the same people that would buy the products that they're they're pitching in their commercials it's the same fucking people to pretend it's not and you're just you're gonna do something different by not saying fuck it's just it's so dumb and it's yeah it was especially frustrating because like the twitter feed had done really well and then the book came out and the book did like

really really well and i was like all right and the book did like really really well and i was like all right so the two things that stay exactly true to what are have done well and then they're like all right but we're gonna change it and we're gonna and i was largely at fault just like anyone else i was like maybe it can work yeah of course you wanted to believe it worked you hit the lottery all the same you have a tv show of course you wanted to believe it would work i mean i'm talking total utopian society obviously but i just kind of feel like that has to be one of the things that fucks us up it has to be when when language is restricted and there's certain words that actually have magical powers like if you say

them someone without doing anything physically if you say them people can actually lock you up and fine you and do all sorts of things to you if you say them people can actually lock you up and fine you and do all sorts of things to you if you say them under the you know the jurisdiction of the airwaves that's that's that's insanity that's a crazy notion and the fact that we accept that it's almost like you accept that you accept censorship in any form you're gonna accept all the other craziness that goes along with being governed as well. It's like it's important to make it all ridiculous. Yeah.

Like this magic word thing might actually be a key component to keeping people closed-minded. If you can really convince people that there are magic words, it's such a dumb idea. It might be like a mind prison. It locks you up in logic to the point where you're unable to analyze the rest of the world. It's like this complex thing of don't say cunt. It's like this locked idea, this segment in your brain. You're a box which you choose to only operate in. Yeah, it's so crazy.

It's funny, too, because on regular basic cable TV, sometimes they'll be like the you know hispanic station or whatever and they're saying their version of fuck and shit and pussy and cunt are they really yeah they are but it's in spanish and so just because i we you know most people don't understand that language then it's cool i gotta learn spanish that's what it is i gotta learn spanish fucking it's just so stupid man it's like that's why people are so uh turning to the internet you know that's a terrible sentence but that's why i think the internet has so much appeal to especially to younger people it's like if you grow up with it it's really hard to go sitcom after you go you know like the styleproject.com you've ever been a style project he was like the

original right style yeah he was one of the original like if it was something fucked up out there on the internet he would have it on his website if some new shit went down you'd go to his website and he would have it whatever it was like like crazy videos execution shit yeah it's like you know naked girls all the most fucked up things that dude would have it but it's you know it's out there if you want to look it's out there yeah i mean that's the thing is like i think pretending like it's not out there does no one any favors it's not helping anybody these fucking these stupid shows where you're not allowed to use all the words like wow enough already yeah and the

funny thing is is like it just it feels, like you said, especially dated right now. It's insulting. How many wars are going on simultaneously? And you want to pretend that words are bad. It's so anti-evolutionary. It's so stupid that there's forbidden words. I mean, it's such a dumb premise

that if you just accept that, and that becomes a major part of your society when you're talking about your ability to communicate. That becomes a major point. And then it's like, well, wait a minute. These words are totally forbidden. You can get arrested for them. Only if you use them in one certain way.

If you broadcast them. But you can use them and reach the same amount of people if you do it on cable or the internet that's cool that's okay but so it's only censored in one way but in this one way it's like really bad for you like if you get caught like going on the news go listen you cunty cunts like they'll take a lot of money from you they could fine you you like you're forcing people to hear that like this so there's something to that the fact that you planned it it's probably like some first degree type activity you know they could probably like to find you for a really substantial amount of money for purposely using magic words on on

the radio or on television that's gotta that's maddening yeah it's funny when i uh i was promoting this book um i wanted to you can send out a tweet that's, like, promoted so that all of your followers will definitely see it because, you know, people log in at different times and you miss tweets and all that kind of stuff. And so I sent out this tweet. It was just a quote from my dad, and then it had, like, buy the book, blah, blah, blah, after. And it had, like, shit or fuck in the quote. I can't remember. And Twitter was like, oh, well, we can't promote that. We can't show that. And I'm like, but you well, we can't promote that. We can't show that.

And I'm like, but you're showing it to people who already subscribe to my feed. Like shit my dad says in the title. And they're like, yeah, but we can't put something on somebody's feed that has any profanity. I'm like, but it's my fucking – they're already following me. I'm just making sure they see. It's like bananas. It makes no sense. And they're worried they're going to get sued.

I hope that that's something that the internet's going to dissolve. It's going to because that's what NBC is not going to be, a television channel in five years. It's going to be NBC.com. It's killing the live television broadcast, which I know it seems crazy but it's nbc is not going to have money broadcasting and spending all that money when it's going to be everyone's going to be on the internet you know well you know some shows i think will be successful

because it costs a lot of money to make them things like um game of thrones like that the you know that's that's a really you need a studio you need a bunch of bad motherfuckers yeah but that's not broadcasting together saying right well and that's what's that's what's keeping the language that's what i'm saying it's that it's the language is only because of live free broadcast like nbc abc cbs but it's still i think you're right i mean even for a network show if you if you really want to like it costs a lot of money to do that yeah i was gonna say lost i was gonna say lost you do that. Yeah, I was going to say lost. I was going to say lost.

You would need a real studio to make lost. So, I mean, they're going to have to figure out a way to make money doing it that way, I guess. I mean,

what do you think is going to happen? No, that's what I'm saying. I'm saying that the only thing that's keeping censorship and shit like that off of television

is those channels. And once that's gone... And you think that they're going to go, though. You think they're just going to become an online sport? They're going to become an HBO, a cable, a... Well, you're deep in the television industry. You actually...

A channel. What did you do? Executive produce that show or something like that? Yeah. Writer and executive produce? How does it work? Are we on to that? Is that...

I think what's going to end up... I mean, for what the fuck do I know? But I think it's uh gonna end up being where you can just subscribe to each channel right so if you don't have the good shows people want then fuck you you die well i think you know for some folks it would be advantageous to to stick with the way they do it now and like not swear you know there's probably a lot of people out there that probably like dr queen medicine women to stick with the way they do it now and not swear. There's probably a lot of people out there that probably like Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman type TV shows.

And there's a lot of money in selling those people things. But how do they do that? How do they balance that and have good comedy at the same time? Because if you really want to have good comedy, unless you're some Larry David type genius that can create something like Seinfeld, most of them you're so straddled down as to what you could have really said and

talked about there's some good i mean the fucking news radio is one of them i mean there's that was a lucky crazy experience man they they snuck in and we all snuck in and barely got by every year like this show like never took on took off at all until it was canceled and then it did like really good and like repeats right but it was a perfect combination of a really funny show like a super lucky position to be in you know where it just but and realizing that that's that's not even really enough like you have to have someone who like they have to like promote you you have to have someone who, they have to promote you, you have to get out there.

It's a weird, the world of creating a sitcom and navigating the waters of where you are at in the lineup. It's a very, very, very tricky situation for success. Yeah, and they also pump, I was on a show, I wrote on a show last year

that got canceled on CBS after two episodes and it was a fucking terrible show. It was a disaster. Some of them were so bad, it's scary. Yeah, this one was like that. It wasn't really, it just was one of those things where it was just a huge clusterfuck. And they spent, I mean, they must have spent $50, $100 million in early promotion for this stuff. Yeah.

And then two episodes, just boom, gone. It's crazy how they do that. And it happens all the time. That's why they're so hands-on about shit. Yeah. That's why they're, you know, it's expensive to make a pilot, man. Yeah. I was a part of a super expensive pilot once where they made a fake jungle set.

Wow. Yeah. It was by the same guy who produced News Radio, Paul Sims. It was called Overseas or something like that. I think it was called Overseas. And it was crazy expensive to make, man. They had a whole big fucking studio space. It was trees and they had a pond.

They had a fucking pond. It was so crazy that we were going to do this and pretend. I don't know if it would have worked at all. They had a fucking pond. It was so crazy. Like, we were going to do this and pretend. I mean, I don't know if it would have worked at all. Was it a comedy? Yes, it was a comedy. Like Lost, but... No, no, no. It was like...

I don't remember the premise. The premise was something like I went over there for one reason, but I got stuck because I have a good heart or something like that. Next thing you know, I'm overseas. Whatever. You know, it's just...

It's a vehicle to develop comedy. i don't even remember what it was i don't remember it was like they were working with orphans i don't know what the fuck it was that we were over there doing but this this this idea that they would spend so much money on this pilot i mean to to make this fucking set alone it was ridiculous it was so big it was a fucking fake jungle you know and like what how much is this gonna cost how much is gonna cost all the time you gotta maintain this fake jungle you have out there you gotta drain all that water otherwise the mosquitoes are gonna grow in it the fuck are you doing but that must mean you know when it works it must be just bucket loads of money well when you find out like what seinfeld earned you know i don't want

to blow up his spot but that dude made some money and you go whoa like a real hit like a seinfeld there's that's like they're printing money it's just whoa it's like it's crazy yeah it's like what do you what they're like came up to a little boy how much money do you want i want a hundred billion all right here's a hundred billion whoa it's it's so crazy that you can make that kind of money from a sitcom. Yeah, it's funny. I was working at Warner Brothers at the time when Charlie Sheen was going batshit, right? Oh, that must have been awesome. It was crazy because you'd sometimes see him and it was like bizarre.

You saw him like come in and just whacked out? I saw him one time banging on the studio door. There was no one there though and i just fucking kept driving on my golf cart because i was like i don't want to i don't even want to be witness to this like whatever but it was making so much money and i remember people were like is it gonna come back is it not gonna come back i'm like dude it's coming back they'll figure they'll make a fucking cgi charlie sheen and they'll come back because it's making so much money for people well it's interesting that they just moved on to ashton kutcher and everybody's like that's cool we'll take it like still really funny we like it we

don't need you charlie is it doing good now i don't even heard it was doing really good yeah i think it's still like it's doing great yeah i think it's doing great it's weird well ashton kutcher's funny you know he act. He's a handsome fella. Great bone structure. I think that would be very pleasing to the ladies. I think they like it. I think it worked out well. They got, you know, Charlie's

a little crazy. Probably turned a lot of those gals off. I want to support the show, but that Charlie Sheen and his behavior. It's a conundrum. You know, I don't want to support that. Oh, Joe. I'm sorry. I was going to change the subject to completely, so I'm going to do it now.

Well, you did, you fuck. You derailed it. We're in the middle of a good goddamn Charlie Sheen. I'm trying to break down Charlie Sheen and figure out what's really going on. I was thinking because you have sheen fever i just something popped in my head right now and i was like oh i remember we had that conversation of all these people that have been telling me they would fuck george cluny like guys that we know and i couldn't remember who and i think one was brendan walsh or i just remember sam tripley said

he would fuck obama if he could oh jesus i don't think you're even supposed to say that yeah you can't say that dude don't say that well i i was told i i didn't say it you just i really don't think you can even say that yeah like have sex with the president yeah that's one of those things you're kind of like you're not allowed saying that you could it is illegal to state that you would want to uh like assassinate or do harm to but i think it's probably rape in the butt is probably in there too no no i think i think what sam means like if the same umbrella yeah i don't think that's like a terrorist threat dude i think what sam was saying is that that obama would want to have sex with him and like if he was like obama came to him and

like came up and was like i don't think you're allowed to imply that especially considering the fact that he's married and he has children well it's probably illegal to imply that it's probably there's no assault on way yeah you can't fuck obama in any way yeah you gotta leave him alone man well i didn't know i want to say stay for the record that i did not i'm not the one that said it sam tripoli did yeah he shouldn't talk like that. That's not smart. That's not. People, they go, there's no need for that guy. Why is that guy around? What kind of idea is he planting out there in society?

You don't want to be the list under the heading of people who said they'd fuck Obama. Yeah, dude. It's a small list, too. You'd be surprised. I bet it's not. Look, by the time they get to me oh there's only five people that said it oh shit i bet one out of every girl every two girls would want to have sex with obama well if you put it that way smoothie oh i was thinking in my head what would

it be like one out of three and i was like. It's funny when you have to figure out a fake number on the fly. I bet about 80% of the people. What'd you say? No, 90%. You think 50% of the population of women would want to fuck Obama? Yeah, if no one could find out? Yeah, this would be a lot. It would be a big number. First of all, if they both were on a deserted island or something like that,

if you got them into some crazy fantasy situation obama might be able to fuck 99 of the women that's like a king of the hill yeah he wins yeah it's like there's probably some gay women who would fuck him oh for sure for sure just for the story you know especially the gay women that are gay because every guy they ever met is an asshole. There's those gays, too. I call them give-up gays. Surrender, yeah. Girls just meet too many douchebags and are like, I give up. I'm going gay.

Because girls will do that. They can do that, man. See, I think what Sam's thinking is that Obama would get one room at the W, and then he would get the one that's connected to it, and they would just both unlock it in the middle, and then he would get the one that's connected to it, and they would just both unlock it in the middle, and then Sam would come in there wearing no clothes and just start going down on Obama or something like that. Oh, Jesus.

I think that's illegal too. Yeah, yeah. I think you're going to have a drone flying above your head, stupid. Why don't you just stop, man? You really need to stop. Well, I didn't say it. Sam Tripp. Whoever this guy is are you trying

to send up the river by talking through his mouth maybe what he said then you should have told him listen my friend how about you keep this fucking shit to yourself we're all gonna wind up in the guantanamo bay maybe that's journal material they're gonna dress you up in a burka dude and stick you in a box and you're just gonna disappear disappear. This is all allegedly. I don't remember what exactly. You can't talk like that. I know that Sam said he would have sex with Obama. I think it had to be mutual.

I think he's trying to be funny and I don't think he was successful. That's what I say. It's just ridiculous having sex with the president. How dare you? But it's okay to say having sex with bill clinton right now right yes yeah you could say you could say like if you're a girl like you'd like to you do whatever you want yeah suck clinton's dick there's a list for that too but you don't get in

trouble you don't think so no i think everybody just keeps it on the hush hush now they know what happens when it gets out you don't want that you don't want to be lewinsky no but yeah that's so crazy like even today like you say her name it was like oh come on the dress yeah that's it boom shalak lak boom what a nutty time man what a strange time in our world where everything got so desensitized that everyone in the world was able to get the information that there was cum on the dress and that she sucked on his cock. There was no question. So everybody talked about it. The whole country.

The whole country said she sucked his cock and cum on the dress. She sucked his cock. I mean, it was a national dialogue. The first time ever that any distinct sexual act between someone of royalty, a president of the United States of America, was even engaging with some sort of sex,

but outside of his marriage and with a 20-year-old chick that just works there. Oh my God, he's a lokester. Like this isn't a guy in a band. This is the fucking president of the United States and he's

going like straight mick jagger on this chick that's that's incredible right if you really stop and think about it yeah i you know it's funny i never thought of it like that but it really is it's like that's the story the bassist from boston has that story but like not the yeah exactly the bassist from boston is. That's perfect. More than a feeling. Yeah, man. Our whole world changed. It was like, okay, okay, okay. What is really going on?

And people didn't give a fuck, really. Well, they didn't because he was doing a good job as a president. And they're like, well, listen, everybody heard the stories about John F. Kennedy. And how about that most of these guys, in order to get to that position, you've got to be some kind of a freak. You've got to be some kind of a crazy guy that wants to be at the head and the lead. Even if it's for the right reasons. Even if it's with complete good justice and grace and you're doing it all the right way. To get to the very top.

To the tippity, tippity, tippity top. You've got to be a little crazy. You've just got to. You just got to. Yeah. You gotta be, to even wanna be there. To even wanna be the guy who runs shit.

You gotta be, to be the guy that says, I know there's 300 million people, but everybody sit the fuck down. Cause I'm gonna talk now. Yeah. Only me. To 300 million.

And I'm your leader. I'm the leader. I'm the leader of 300 million people. What are you talking about? How is that possible? This is a crazy position to be in. You have to be a crazy person to acquire that position. You have to be crazy to chase it. yeah you'd be out of your fucking mind get out of here stupid it just it's almost like the job only exists for people who are like real live superheroes who are really going to try to change the world and people are completely full of shit like that's it it's the only room it's there's no room for anything else there is not a lot of middle there it's like it's like people who aren't even a real person they just go into they you know that game that you play where you try to almost

touch hands you know you try to like see like back up and try to see how how much you can keep it together like how close close you can get and anticipate each other's movements that's what they do but they're they're line steppers that's what's going on yeah that's like it's it's just takes a huge ego yeah you gotta be crazy yeah the idea that you're gonna run that whole giant mass of humans that's nuts you gotta be fucking crazy to even attempt that because even the dumbest smallest decision you make every day affects tons of people it's insane well they all go gray like almost instantly the first couple of weeks they're like like the the fucking pressure of you know saluting people and you're in a fucking air force one and you're flying around

the world and you realize the reality of what's really happening you know and you you hear the body counts and you hear the the numbers counts, how much money, and the defense contractor budgets, and this fucking craziness, and that craziness. They're using drones, and now you've got to go on TV and pretend Osama bin Laden just got killed. You know they didn't kill Osama bin Laden. Shut the fuck up. That guy had been dead forever.

That was one of the dumbest things ever. Yeah, we killed him and then we drowned him. Do you really, really think that? We got no pictures because we don't want him to know. Do you really think that? Yeah. Yeah, I don't believe it. I say horseshit.

I love how you always believe the opposite on so many, many things. Yeah, but that one, I say horseshit. The reason why I say horseshit is because there was so many. Yeah, but that one, that one I say horse shit. The reason why I say horse shit is because there was so many people that were saying that guy was dead already. They were saying that he was undergoing dialysis. They were saying... Right, yeah, like a big fucking kidney machine.

Yeah, and then there's other people that have said there's photos they're using that they say there's one video of the guy watching television in his apartment and it looks like it's Osama Bin Laden. They're saying, no, no, no, that's my friend. I know this guy. This guy does not... He looks like obama it looks like it's a osama bin laden they're saying no no that's my friend i know this guy this guy does not he looks like him everybody looks like him when they get to be a certain age you know i mean they all look like osama bin laden at a certain age

they get crazy beards like you know that's just a certain look and there's not a lot of distinct features in a fucking giant beard that's racist you know it's true when i have my own beard when i grow my beard out it covers your whole face. It's like this big, crazy mass of hair. Yeah. And everybody with a big, crazy mass of hair looks pretty fucking similar. You know? Most of it's just crazy hair.

So it's like, this is not Osama bin Laden. This is my friend. I know him. I was at his house the other day. I don't know if they really did, but I think that would be a story that if I, if I, you know, wanted to release the fact

that Osama Bin Laden was dead, I would hold on to it for a while. Then I'd pretend. Maybe they needed, they needed to shoot some other people there that were not supposed to be shooting.

Maybe that's what was going on. And then they, then they were like, oh, we got him. Maybe, maybe they were just testing out some new fucking ways to jack people.

And they went awry. They crashed a helicopter. They're like, look, we got some good news and bad news. The bad news is we crashed a helicopter. The good news is we just killed Osama bin Laden. Meanwhile, they had that dude on ice. They were waiting. Like, we need a time when we're going to break out this and just use it.

This is our get out of jail free pass. He's got like a special button he pushes yeah they fucking they open up the freezer bring out this frozen popsicle osama bin laden and take some pictures with him come on man and then they throw him in the water okay cool yeah all right i believe you you don't have to show me anything that was the weirdest thing that was the weirdest thing to me was just like they went through this crazy thing of like like searching for years and years years to get them they're like but then they're like you know what we got to get them in the water like now yeah well what was really frightening to me was uh when all the people were cheering like on the streets in like dc near the capital and they were going usa usa and i was

and i was like wow how many of those people are getting paid to do that first of all is it they're like professional cheerleaders that they brought in from like the most communist schools possible like sent them in got everybody like fired up about usa usa it's ridiculous it was packed and the funny thing is like they wanted to show it like on CNN and stuff but then every once in a while it would be like the most drunk frat dude ever would like come up and be like yeah just like double bird the camera

Justin in your profession well it becomes a you know a cultural event you know it's like it's one of those where were you? Yeah. It's like the death of our enemy. That's a huge ticket to pull out.

Yeah. What were you going to say? Nothing. Nothing at all? I was just wondering, who do you think killed Biggie? Oh. You know what? I think he's alive and Tupac's alive and they live in Sweden.

I like the way you think, dude. Logic, reason. You're putting it all together. Are you politically active at all? Do you look at this Obama and Mitt Romney election? Yeah, I have my own views on it. I always think I'm never informed enough to engage. If somebody gets crazy, then I'm like, you know, I have, like, my own, like, views on it. I always think, like, I'm never, like, informed enough to, like, engage. Like, if somebody gets, like, crazy, then I'm like, God, I'm out.

But they know what they're really talking about. You know, like. The defense contractor started the situation back in the 80s. Oh, you motherfucker. Yeah. You got to play, like, it's a sport. The biggest thing I find, like, creepy is, like, Romney just kind of reminds me of one of those guys who's like just like selling you a mattress. Just like, yeah, you'll love it.

And I'm like, anything you want to hear, he'll tell you. Yeah. So I'm always like, he almost has no shot. He almost has no shot because of the fact that it's going to come out when they start the debates and, you know, the real rhetoric and hate starts flying when it gets closer and closer to November. know the real rhetoric and hate starts flying when it gets you know closer and closer to november his dad was born on a fucking farm like a like a cult in mexico yeah yeah i know that's so crazy because i had read that and then i was like well why isn't that out who was the first one that told us about this brian was it bolelli daniel bolelli yeah i can't remember daniele bolelli was telling us about that um it's they have these places where they decided they wanted to keep polygamy going,

so they moved to Mexico, set up shop. They had whole communities in Mexico. Yeah. And that's where Mitt Romney's dad was born. It's crazy. And just the other day, he was just like, he was like, listen, he was talking to this crowd. He's like, my dad's from Mexico.

Like, I understand where you guys are coming from. Sort of. He's from Mexico. And I was thinking, like, I bet he was talking to this crowd. He's like, my dad's from Mexico. Like, I understand where you guys are coming from. Sort of. And I was thinking like, I bet your experience is a little different. Yeah. Yeah. You're out there with fucking with Pedro pounding corn into flour tortillas. Get the fuck out of here, bitch. You're living on a crazy farm where everybody gets to fuck a hundred women.

Yeah. He wasn't working at a fucking McKinadora. I mean, we're not hating, man. I think it's a ballsy-ass move to move to another country and set up shop. That's what the Mormons decided to do. That's a ballsy fucking move. Imagine how much you must like having three wives to be like, fuck it, I'm moving to Mexico.

That's the old way the old way they can't take away the god's way here it is written just really it's the it's that's the one that's so obviously showing its pimp hand whenever you get like the i want five wives or unlimited about a wife come on man what's really going on he shows his pimp have you ever thought about trying it ever like i i've thought about it many. Come on, man. What's really going on? He shows his pimpin. Have you ever thought about trying it ever? Like, I've thought about it many times. Everything man would love to have, like, a harem. You know, like, the way the Sultan of Brunei allegedly rocks it, I always found that to be the most fascinating.

Because he's not married to any of those people. No. He has, apparently, this, you know, when you talk about, like, Forbes 500 or who's, like, got the most money, I don't even think they include royal families. I think these guys have unreported income. I think they're beyond our calculations of what's possible when it comes to wealth. And what I've heard some people do that have this kind of money, let's not say any names at all.

I heard that they will go and pay like the hottest women on the planet like girls who are like professional models they just pay them insane amounts of money like any girl really beautiful girls that maybe have posed nude somewhere and just he'll find them and just say offer it to them they offer them crazy money and so so they have to do it they well they feel like they have to do it and the next thing they know they go there and they're a part of like a disco the guy has his own private disco and so it's fucking badass too because you're talking about someone with insane amounts of money like insane wealth everything is gold gilded perfect craftsmanship the finest food yeah it's not the most battle ranch yeah and he goes down there and it's just him yeah and he's got you know his gold underwear

on and he's moving through the crowd and he's paid all of these women essentially to have sex with him at his choosing whenever he likes whenever he likes he just chooses so you might fly there and never fuck him yeah yeah he might not like you he might not be into that he just wants a bunch of them there that are unbelievably hot. And depending on who you listen to or which different dude who is rocking it this way, they would have

30 women just waiting. And they're like penthouse pets. They're like fucking legit hot models. You cannot hate. They're like the top of the food. I wish that man would write a book. You know? Just like, talk about being a baller.

I mean, if that guy wrote a book, let me tell you how I rock it. That's the name of his book. Let me tell you how I rock it. Chapter one, the discount. Chapter one. This is what you would do if you had, you know, a fucking trillion dollars or whatever this guy has. He's like, to pay them a half a million dollars a year is nothing it's nothing i was reading this thing that said like vladimir putin had like he just collected a bunch of hot chicks and had him play

like horse polo naked he's just like i want you all to play horse pole, but just naked. He's an animal. You don't get to be a guy like Putin unless you've been a part of some shit. You've been a part of some shit. That's a manly man. He's a scary dude. No, he doesn't give a fuck. Imagine if Putin was mad at you for some shit. How fucking trippy that would be. How terrifying that would be.

You have to go to the other side of the world. Yeah, you got to move to the Philippinesines become a kickboxer or something he kind of fucking you better run bitch you don't want to be hanging around while that guy's mad at you no he probably i mean he got to where he was just like straight bully power i don't know what he did but he scares the shit out of me yeah i remember you know matt damon had a really interesting interview where he was talking about sarah palin and matt damon is a very astute politically very very well-read guy too like surprisingly intelligent you know you see him in movies you think he's always a really good actor but then you hear him talking like this guy's

very bright and very well read and he had this great analogy about sarah palin being like a disney movie and then all of a sudden this woman you know with her her moxie is gonna you know stand up to the evil russians you know and it was like you know i need to and he was saying like i need to know does she really think the earth is less than 10 000 years old i really i need to know this. You know, and I was like, fuck, yeah. Yeah, man. Yeah, you do need to know. We all need to know that.

That changes some decisions. Fuck yeah, it does. Dude, there was 10,000 years ago with nothing. There's a lot of people that think that. That's the new earth idea. I mean, we're talking about millions of people. I know. There's a lot of people.

It might be tens of millions that believe that. When you start believing that i wonder like this changes your decision making on everything yeah yeah they're so godded up it's just such a it's a such an extreme like belief to to be that godded up it's one thing to have an idea that you know there's some sort of feels like there's a force that controls the universe maybe there's a goal that we're all attending to maybe there's maybe there's a a next wave of understanding after this is over and just like a psychedelic experience it'll all make sense maybe maybe maybe maybe but but your idea is crazy your idea about a fucking dude in the cloud and and he died, and he came back from the dead. What the fuck are you saying, man?

Have you seen the Creation Museum out here in Pomona? No, I did not know there was one in Pomona. I was going to go to the one that's on the other side of the country. Yeah, like Kentucky. Yes. It's supposed to be amazing. Dude, there's one out here. It's not as good as the one over there but it's like it's pretty decent size i gotta write this down it's pretty decent sized and it's like uh it's like jesus riding

dinosaurs oh no it does not have jesus riding dinosaurs jesus riding a dinosaur like a like a full sculpture it's like jesus riding a you know a raptor and it's in pomona yeah It's like Jesus riding a raptor. And it's in Pomona? Yeah. It's like out east here. I think it's in Pomona. How many people are going to see that as a goof? Is it most? You know, when I was there, it did not seem like –

I was like me and a couple people were there as a goof, and then it seemed like everybody else was kind of into it. And it was like a nonprofit organization you know it was like a non-profit organization just about like jesus riding dinosaurs and shit it was weird it was weird wow that is so crazy yeah it was the people were into it man they were like fuck yeah jesus rode that jesus rode dinosaurs how dare you i like that they were like like, because before there was dinosaur bones, they were just like, you know, no problem. They were like, Jesus lived, blah, blah, blah.

Then the dinosaur bones came and they needed to come up with an answer. So I like that they went with like, yeah, Jesus just like wrote them. It's like, I would have gone with something else. Like maybe Jesus was scared of them and kept them over in a pen or something. The whole young earth theory is so spooky. It's just, it's so weird that you can get people to believe something like that it's so weird that no matter how many scientists who have these elaborate descriptions of how the earth cooled over billions of years and matter changed and the atmosphere changed in different forms of

life and there were mass extinctions and here's the fossil record nope not buying it no horse shit bad science i have a book written by people who swear that the world is flat and the sun is 17 miles away i'm gonna let that one influence me i think it's all stems from just people being freaked out about dying oh yeah for sure that's a big part of it man it's you need something you know like i have a four-year-old daughter who's just started to ask questions like what happens when you die you know that's they start thinking and it's a scary idea for a little kid and it's yeah you know the idea of uh heaven and god is a very comforting one for for people it's almost like even if it doesn't exist,

it's a very useful tool because it actually does provide people with a feeling of relief. It's almost like if you can suspend disbelief for a movie, you can suspend a little for Jesus and just kind of go along with it and it'll provide you with a framework where you can make know you can make

sense of life it'll you know carry you to whatever the fuck it is when it ends so what do you what do you tell her that's a very interesting conversation um i i tell her that no one knows what happens when we die and that some people believe that you go to heaven. And then we discussed what would heaven be. And then I said, you know, no one really knows what happens, but people hope that you go somewhere and everything is beautiful and perfect. So my wife is explaining this to her, and as she becomes more and more frantic about who's going to die, it becomes more and more ridiculous. Like, no, in heaven you get

whatever you want. You want a TV, you can watch. It starts off as like a rational sort of conversation. Then I realized what am I doing? She's four. Like, this is like a fucking serious concept to try to digest for a four-year-old. And I'm like, let's go over the potentials

for what heaven would be. That seems like a better way to direct this conversation. You should have just said you become a star and then when you're 13 just go, hey, you know that star shit?

You're not... You gotta wait till they're 13 and by then she'll be pregnant, Brian. Okay? You gotta talk to them before they're 13. Brian's like, it's like having a plant.

You just water it when it's young and then leave it in the sun for a while. 13. You can't tell a 13-year-old that some fucking crazy shit that I told you wasn't real. It'd be too late. There's no answer. So just say it's a star and let her believe that and she'll become a hippie. That's funny.

My dad, when I asked him that, my dad said, I was just a little kid, and he was like, it's just darkness forever whoa yeah and i was like i think yeah i think that's what my mom told me actually yeah i was like traumatized by it and i went to and i i remember going to my mom's room being like dude dad just dad just said it was darkness and she's like he doesn't know and she's like sam come in here and tell him he doesn't you don't know nobody He's like, I know. That's what it is. It's darkness forever. And then he left the room. Jesus Christ.

Your dad doesn't fucking play. That's hilarious. Yeah, I think my mom said you just go to sleep and you just don't wake up. My stepfather told me probably nothing. He was the one when I was seven years old when I started asking these questions. I was really religious until my parents got divorced. And I went to Catholic school for a year. And Catholic school just wrung the religion out of me.

I was like, this is crazy, total 100% horse shit. And then a year later, we had the conversation. Well, if that's not real, if this Jesus Moses shit is something somebody made up, then what happens when you die? And he was like, it's probably nothing.

It probably just ends. Dude, I can't remember crying that hard when I was like a little kid. You know, just lying in my bed, whimpering. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Just the in my bed, whimpering. Just a terrifying notion that somehow or another this was going to end.

And it would just stop. So weird. Same with me. I would get panic attacks thinking about it. I'd just be like, what do you mean forever? What the fuck is forever? In darkness. I know.

What the fuck does that mean? It's weird that everybody loves going to sleep you know people love going to sleep because you know you're gonna wake up you know so you're willing to like stop for a while because you know you'll come back but nobody wants to die no not that my buddy's my buddy's a paramedic and he told me he had this call the other day and this like 95 year old dude who was like riddled with cancer had instead of having a do not resuscitate he was it was like full it was like bring me back full code like anything that happens bring me i'm like dude wow that bummed me out so much because i'm like if a 95 year old dude who's like riddled with cancer isn't ready to die like

i'm gonna be so fucking freaked out i'm that old's like, nah, I don't want to go. Some people are afraid of everything, you know? But death is something that everybody's afraid of. Yeah. And if you're not, it's probably life is miserable for you to the point where death is favorable.

Yeah. You must be sick. Something's wrong. There's an imbalance. Whether it's a behavioral imbalance or a societal imbalance, whether somebody did you wrong to the point where it broke your brain.

I don't know what the fuck it is. But if you really want to end it for yourself, then that's a terrible, sick place to be. I'm not really afraid to die. Really? Because I have Jesus in my heart and all that stuff. Jesus in my heart. No, but I mean, no, I'm not.

I think it's because of mushrooms. I've had so many where I thought I was dying, and I was like, you know what? This has been good and blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, oh, wait, I didn't die. Oh, wow. It would be awesome if there was something that you could believe so wholeheartedly that it calmed you down. You're like, well, I'm not worried about it. If it ends, we're fine.

We just go to this. Just like you're not worried about going to sleep. You not worried we're going to sleep because you know you're gonna wake up i'm not where i'm never worried about going to sleep i'm like oh let me go to sleep boom it's great i wake up beautiful if if we had the information that we have about coming back like we have about sleep you know maybe it's just then people start doing fucked up things you think so i think if people knew like once you died it was like fucking shaking an etch sketch people would do really fucked up things i would hope not i would hope the opposite i would hope if they if that first

of all would freak people out just to know that you definitely would come back that would just be such a trip you'd be so scared to try again. Yeah, that's true. And also, what if you came back in a fucking terrible situation? What if you were like a spoiled twat, living on Long Island, just balling out of control in a mansion, and then you come back and you're in Uganda.

You're in the jungle and you have AIDS. You have a big bloated belly. That could be you too. You got just some crazy lucky roll of the DNA dice that you're here in America in 2012. Just that alone. You want to try this again? You going to play fair?

You going to take any spot all over the globe? What do you come back as? You come back as you? Are you on the same trip every time trying to get it spot all over the globe? Like, what do you come back as? You come back as you? Are you on the same trip every time trying to get it right? Is that it? Yeah, like, if we're going odds, you're, like, in some fucking tiny town in China just, like, drinking water from, like, those puddles. Oh, warm puddles.

Yeah. Warm brown puddles of water that people step in. That's what you get in your water. Yeah. Fuck, man. Yeah, there's a lot of spots on the earth that are just a shit roll of dice to be there man yeah big time we're lucky southern california is so lucky it's delusional it's like the weather here is so incredible all

the time that no one ever has to deal with nature there's no storms to stay indoors from you know there's no shoveling of the streets you know getting the snow out or just a giant asteroid asteroid of an earthquake that's coming towards that we all know is going to happen we all half of us are going to die well i mean like we know that there's a i don't know a ticking time bomb i think you'll make a big deal because i grew up in san diego and you don't give a fuck about anything when you grow up like The weather's perfect, and yeah, you get an earthquake every now and then, but a little bit of shaking every two years. Yeah, but look at Japan. Just look at the recent tragedies lately that just destroyed.

I mean, Tokyo is pretty much gone. I don't know if they would ever recover. That country as a whole is pretty much fucked, and they don't want to talk about it but it's pretty much he's gone right um i don't know you mean economically no i mean like like the fukushima area is fucked yeah the area where the meltdown happened they're already seeing mutated animals and shit bunnies born with no arms or ears or weird shit is going on already and going just going to san diego you go by that naked gun, huge tit nuclear reactor, and you just look around there and you're like,

oh shit, it just takes one earthquake and that shit's fucked. Yeah, didn't you think about that when you went by it? Oh, absolutely. I totally thought about that as we went by it. As we went by it, I looked at that thing, I'm like, what a nutty place to put this. Right next to the ocean,

you fucking crazy, insolent assholes. And you know why they put it right next to the ocean they can flood it with ocean water to cool it off and that water goes right back in the ocean that's what they did in Japan they fucking poured millions of gallons of ocean water on the actual inferno of

hell and then they pour that water right back in the ocean it's unbelievably toxic it's fucking gonna jack everything and they're like it's what we got to do we got to do it we got to do it tough shit so everything what the fuck is going on in there that you need millions of gallons of ocean sun they made a sun yeah it's a little baby sun i mean and do you know what nuclear power is did you know that it's just steam they just the the nuclear heat you know

that melts water makes steam and that powers all these reactors that's what that's like that that's that's the the mechanism behind it producing electricity i had no idea about any of that i had no idea either i just figured somehow or another they take that nuclear energy and they put in a wire and it goes plug in your hair dryer no it's like it's the same sort of idea you know the force behind it i think and the steam behind it is what what powers the generators but it's essentially it's a nuclear reaction that they can't ever cool off you can't like you can't shut it off it's the stupidest idea ever if if the fucking thing melts down you're done you just have to get away from it you can't cool it off

it doesn't that's like that's so nuts they had like all right we can have wind power where we have the windmill spinning or we can have this fucking thing that's impossible to cool down this sun that if i mean apparently they had a backup plan up to like a certain amount of you know earthquake and this far exceeded that this was like a really ridiculously powerful earthquake and they lost their backup generator and so they knew they had like eight hours we got eight hours get the fuck out of here you can't fix it like what are you talking about how arrogant are human beings that they would make something where that could even possibly ever happen and not have any way you would say okay before we build it do you guys really know how to shut this off is there okay and what happens if that happens and what

happens if the power doesn't go back on then what happens oh then oh then it just eats through the earth we don't know when it stops it goes through the core and it just keeps going and probably comes out the other side or something. The fuck? They don't know. It's never happened before. And they went, okay, well, build it. We'll see. Sounds good.

That's fucking crazy. Sounds good. Go build that. How many guys want to build? You want to build like a few hundred of them? Just leave them around? Yeah, let's put them near fault lines and shit. So let's add some earthquakes to LA.

Let's add some earthquakes to all this fucking people that we have here. Let's add it it to the nuclear shit let's add it to the fact that we don't have any water and so let's have it or we don't have any elect our electricity is fucking gone dude we live in the dumbest place in the whole entire road no vegas is the dumbest this is the second second dumbest well at least vegas fresno fresno fucking sucks yeah man i've seen some spots that suck a lot worse than Pasadena. Yeah. Yeah, well, it's tricky. That's for sure. We're certainly susceptible.

The more they find out, like, you know, archaeologists are constantly uncovering these lost cities now. Like, they found a few of them off the coast of Spain, and one of them they think might be Atlantis, and they found one recently that was, like, it was underwater as recently as 8,500 years ago. So this is like crazy old stuff. And it's old pottery.

And it's old different fucking. We're finding out that shit happens and goes wrong all the time on this planet. It's always getting hit by rocks from outer space. And there's fucking volcanoes that blow up every now and again and the earth moves and giant thousand foot high tsunamis wipe out miles in and then pull back and that shit happens all the time in history you know we just for whatever reason are willing to gamble that it's not gonna it's not gonna happen on my watch yeah no i mean basically that's what it is because it's eventually going to happen. Yeah, I mean, it's unavoidable.

We've harped on it too many times probably by now, but just the asteroid number alone, when you find out how many hundreds of thousands of asteroids are hovering around inside of our solar system, you're like, what the fuck are you talking about? It's not like, oh, I heard there's like 100 asteroids. No, there's like thousands of thousands and thousands of these fucking things just flying around one of them could just come hurling towards us we've been hit before yeah many times and most likely

that's responsible for the a bunch of different weird shit where they find these ancient civilizations and they don't understand how they were sophisticated back then. That's why we've stacked up some progress and been knocked down a few times. The very date of, I think it's like 12,500 years ago or something right now, scientists are agreeing, there's a bunch of people all over the country, or all over the world rather, that are agreeing that there was some sort of an impact that happened then because they're doing all their core samples they find some sort of glass that's only created in like nuclear blasts or extreme impacts or you know things along those lines like tonguska like that kind of shit has to happen like some crazy impact and they're finding

a lot of this shit at 12,500 years so they think it's really possible that we have like a massive meteor shower 12,500 years ago it might have fucked up you know 50% of the cities of the world you know but back then think about 12,500 years ago and you know how does that information get to us if you if every half the cities did get jacked by these giant rocks from space, how many people would remember that story? What would that story be

by the time they figured out how to make paper again? I got to feel like if you were alive for that, you got to remember that. It's like, you remember the one time we got hit with? Yeah, I remember that. Do you think the people that survived even knew what the fuck happened? Because maybe it was just like dumb luck. You know, like probably a bunch of asteroids came down, a meteor shower just fucked up.

Boom, boom, boom. Maybe some places it just didn't hit them. And so those are the ones that survived. And then they had to go and look at the rest of the world. That would be equally freaky to know that it could happen to you any day. If you lived in a place where you didn't get hit, but you heard all these crazy noises in the background, but you and your tribe, you guys are fucking cool. No problems whatsoever. And then you venture forth, and it's like Lord of the Rings.

Everywhere you look is burnt out and smoking. You're like, what the fuck everyone's dead everywhere you go is just bodies just pieces of hands and feet and fucking heads because everybody got hit with giant rocks from the sky and pulverized and just huge groups of people smashed on the highway with big rocks boom that would be almost freakier than dying to know that this just happened a few hundred miles from you and you you know you get on your horse and find it and you see how nutty it is you see how nutty the damage is and know that that could happen the sky can just all of a sudden be just become a swarm of fiery rocks yeah especially like before science or anything

anything to explain anything oh my god i think i feel like everything people saw back then they're like what the is this can you imagine i mean how weird is it that when did we become so so conscious like when did we become so aware of all the possibilities in our environment i mean it was a slow gradual process where the human brain evolved right it's not like we were always this smart right from the get-go. Somewhere along the line, it must have been. I mean, that's probably what religion is really all about. It's probably like some sort of psychic training wheels.

It's like you're not quite ready to grasp the whole. None of us are. So it's like let's give you an ideology to believe in that puts you on the right track. Because this feeling of God and love and everything, that is totally the right way to do it. It's totally the right way to live. So how do you need to get there? Do you need to get there through yoga?

Well, then you go yoga. You go yoga and find that spot. Is the baby Jesus more your liking? Yeah, I like singing. I'm really good with groups. Okay, go that way. You know, it's like the psychic training wheels as we get through this weird spot. you're liking yeah i like singing i'm really good with groups okay go that way just you know it's like the psychic training wheels as we get through this this weird spot

get through this weird spot we start to like awaken and see how fucking crazy this world is and realize sometimes the sky becomes of a light with flying rocks that are on fire fuck it's a nobody's gonna stop that man if all of a sudden we got caught in a meteor shower that's well that's just what it is well yeah imagine you're there and you see the flying rocks flying at you first thing you be after you run for your life then you're like well obviously somebody threw that at me that's gigantic especially back then yeah that's right back then oh we're being attacked by gods hades because i'm bra guy you know like you throw you're a caveman or whatever you throw shit you throw rocks i wonder if that was like where the origins of of hades and and then hellfire and all that shit came from i I wonder if that was it.

You know, you got to wonder, like, when did they first figure out the idea of hell? Was it when they first saw a volcano? I mean, because then it makes sense. If you were a fucking cave person and you saw a volcano, hell totally makes sense. You're like, you do not want to go there. You will fucking burn forever. I mean, it looks yeah you would burn forever if you could exist and somehow or another not disappear instantly into the lava and just have

that feeling of being burned by lava forever probably the most terrifying thing a person could ever experience well definitely imagine you don't know it's 10 000 years ago you don't know anything about science you see a volcano erupt and then some shit comes out of it that just disintegrates everything in its path you're like yeah that's probably the bad place fuck well most people don't realize is the yellowstone volcano this is one of the biggest volcanoes in the earth it's a super volcano yellowstone is something called a caldera volcano and they didn't even discover this until i think like a decade ago i think when they started using satellites to map things out they realized that it's a crater and that

Yellowstone I think it's like 300 kilometers wide or something crazy like that it might be 600 kilometer might be 300 miles yes not only is it active it's a super volcano which means it gets up to a peak and then the peak explodes the whole thing explodes and just leaves behind a hole yeah it kills like a giant percentage of everything in the continent because it's such a huge volcano I mean it like it becomes like almost like a nuclear winter type situation I think it fills the sky with ash I mean I think it's it's it's such a massive volcano that you really could

call it a continent killer and it happens every six to eight hundred thousand years and the last time it happened was six hundred thousand years ago yeah so if that did happen and there's not a goddamn thing we could do to stop it if yellowstone decided to blow and it went caldera on us and fucking erupted on us that's a wrap for like most of the west coast a huge chunk of the country i mean it's it's done dude it's a fucking horror movie it's the road it's that movie yeah vigo mortensen it's that shit it's that shit that's the only time it's okay to say you would fuck obama yes then you can get away with anything then you can get away with anything and that might

have happened in a let to a lesser extent to our ancestors. It's very possible that might have happened. That might be when they find these crazy structures and shit under the ocean. That might be what happened. These people might have got jacked. Yeah, you got to imagine because also like, you know, if that shit happens, like seems like crazy shit happens every like 50,000 years or something like that. Like, it's got to happen.

Like you said, we've probably gone farther in technology than, you know, two steps forward, one step back. Yeah, I agree. Yeah. You know, except for when you look at buildings, you know, some of the crazy Egyptian buildings and shit. Like, how the fuck did they do that? You know, if there really was an ancient civilization that figured out how to do that, they might have been ahead of us. I don't know. That seems like in a lot of ways, it seems ahead of us. The construction

methods, the giant stones they moved. But it's pretty clear that everybody gets nailed. There's no way you can avoid it. The little things like the tsunami that killed everyone in Thailand, that was to us, it was a huge deal.

To us humans, think about the numbers and the body counts, but to the world population, it's nothing. It's nothing. It's nothing. It's weird how many different things like that could happen in mass scale, like frightening scale. 1,000 mile fucking, I think it's 45 000 mile an hour asteroids that's that's like what the speed that most of them travel at you know they could be a mile wide five miles wide it's like it's crazy thing too like even if you look at like the plague i was reading this i was reading something it's like it killed three-fifths of the people in

europe like what if that happened now like people would go but like thailand you know we go bananas at the thailand thing but such a small percentage like three out of five people in europe every three out of five people die well what what happened was it was the plague something that was transmitted by rodents yeah because the fleas carried all the plague and then the rodents would get the on the boats and then they'd run a clock across the ropes that carried all the plague. And then the rodents would get the... On the boats. Oh, God. And then they'd run across the ropes that get to the shore. And then the fleas would come out and bite people.

Oh, Jesus Christ. And then give everybody the plague. And they'd end up at Applebee's. Oh, how fucking scary is the plague? Did you know that a guy in... Where the fuck was it that he got tested? A guy got bitten by an animal and he got tested for the plague i think it was a cat and he tested positive for the plague it was like

it was in the pacific northwest yeah i want to say because there's been a couple cases of the plague like in in california dude yeah what the fuck man the play you know that's like some old school pirate shit you hear the plague scurvy yeah yeah. You know, that's like some old school pirate shit. You hear the plague. Yeah, scurvy. Yeah, it's connected to boats, right? Like, what the fuck, man? The plague?

Really? Must have sucked fat dick living back then, dude. Three-fifths of the people die from the plague. Everybody's like stinky all the time. All the time. Yeah, a lot of rape going on probably. Tons and tons. Yeah, probably people are assholes. They're just dying.

And when people died easier and quicker, they were probably like way more cunty. Right? They didn't last that long. They just fucking got all their cunt out. And they probably were much more likely to commit violence on each other. They were probably much closer to animals.

Oh, yeah. How far back do you think you can go and still rock it? 70s? Think you'd still rock it? 70s? Think you'd be happy in the 70s? Yeah, I could be happy in the 70s. I could be happy in the 70s. I would miss my phone, though, man, a lot. I'd miss being able to call people.

We would have never made this interview, man. I never spoke a word to you until we walked in the door and said, hey, what's up? It was all done through you know texts and emails and all that jazz it's kind of fascinating it couldn't have happened in the 70s even just like have you ever like tried to go pick somebody up at the airport and forgot your phone yeah it's like you might as well just turn around go yeah yeah oh it's so weird what we accept it's so weird i think i could probably do the 60s but no earlier.

60s are interesting. You get some cool cars. You could be driving around in a brand new 1964 Mustang. Holy shit. And it would be real. You know, like this is a fucking real brand new 64 Mustang. You feel what it was like to have one of those things back then. That might be fun. That might be fun.

That might be fun. You would know so much more than them. It would be stealing. Yeah. You could be able to fuck every chick you meet. All you have to do is keep talking to them. Keep talking to them long enough. They'd be like, he's a prophet.

I have to go with him. He has the answers that I seek. You could totally start a cult. You'd be like, fuck Charlie Manson. Charlie, sit the fuck down. I'm going to tell you some shit about the future. This is what's going to happen. There's going to be pills

that you can take and you'll be happy even if your life is shit. Dude, that would be, I like that that's the first knowledge you drop on them. That's the first thing you tell them. You tell them you will one day

be ruled by pills that control your emotions. And then they can lock you in a cage if you say the wrong words no dude i would buy into that cold if i was in the 60s yeah the 60s would be an interesting time to go back to with all the knowledge of today what if the knowledge like imagine if you knew like political shit today's the day they kill kennedy could you imagine how much you want to bet how much you want to bet they kill Kennedy today? You're just betting.

You don't try to stop it. No, you don't try to stop it. You just go to Vegas. You go, can I bet that they fucking kill the president? You want to bet, bitch? They'll take your money. Vegas will take your money. But then now it's back 60s Vegas

where it's all gangsters and shit. Yeah, they'll kill you. Yeah, they kill you for being right. They're like, listen, we know when Kennedy's going to die. We're going to be a part of how he dies, stupid fuck. We're going to make the driver go really slow in Dallas. Yeah, that's different. You don't want to be a part of that part of the 60s.

That would suck. No, definitely. They killed people back then. They had problems with them, like JFK, RFK. They killed people back then. They had problems with them, like JFK, RFK. They just assassinate them. Sneak up behind them in front of a bunch of people.

That's the craziest shit. RFK, he was running for president. Somebody just walked up to him with a gun and shot him. Yeah, dude. I was at the place where they did it. We filmed some Fear Factors there.

Oh, really? Where is that? Some hotel in downtown. I think they might be tearing it down. I think Bill Burr was really upset about it. Wait, that's here in LA?

Yeah. Bill Burr was really upset about it. And he's so right. He's so dead on, as always. But he was like, he goes,

no one here has any idea of history. You know, if that was back east, you couldn't fucking tear that down and put a fucking parking lot there. He goes, no one here has any idea of history. If that was back east, you couldn't fucking tear that down and put a fucking parking lot there. He goes, no, it'd be like there'd be a plaque there so you could know that this is where the shit went down. It's so true. But in LA, they're like, yeah, Robert Kennedy was killed here or whatever.

It's a strip club now. But now it's like, yeah. Downtown is just so weird here in LA. It's a weird weird place have you been a skid row yet i have whoa uh-huh it's like first like one of my first weeks up here i was trying to go to a laker game and i and i made a wrong turn and all of a sudden it was like fucking 28 days later like it was just like it was like so packed with it was i've never seen just the concentration of people. You can't believe it unless you see it. It really is true.

You can't believe it unless you see it. It's staggering. You think we're exaggerating. You think there's no way anybody would. They've become a tribe. Yeah. It's a tribe of homeless people. And there's maybe thousands of them.

Might be thousands. No, no, no. I saw something that said there was 100,000 homeless people living in downtown. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Do you know how crazy that sounds? Dude, that's like an army. That's what I'm talking about, man. Skid Row is weird.

We filmed some Fear Factor stuff, a lot of it, in downtown LA on buildings. We do things with people out across buildings and shit like that. And we were always right around the corner and sometimes we had to like do shit like that was like right there in the thick of things and so you would go around the corner and like when you leave work if you went around the corner and took a left and then took another left you're in a zombie movie i mean you really are like you fucked up you're you're on the wrong street and people are asking you for money and they're touching you fucked up you're you're on the wrong street and people are asking you for money and they're touching your car and you're like what is going on i didn't see

any of that in san diego by the way no we were all down every presence is good but also the marijuana shit was so much stricter yeah it was like like even the bodyguards or the bouncers of every club were all ex-military or something like that. So they were like, are you smoking pot? You better not be smoking weed. Yeah, they got to relax. They got to relax on that. But other than that, it's good.

There's good and bad in military presence. It would be more good than bad if they let them smoke weed. Soldiers who smoked weed would be like the best soldiers to have. They'd be like listen everything's gonna work out we're gonna we obviously fucked up we're gonna slowly back up by the way we have a show tonight if you're listening to this live right now uh there's still tickets available so you can still get down here at the ice house yeah it's a super show like we always do these um whoever's in town and we got ari shafir doug benson dom irera dove dove davidoff jesus

fucking christ if you've never seen dove he's very very funny he's fucking hilarious very unique too he's um uh he's like one of my favorite guys to watch and dom irera is one of my all-time favorites jason tebow jason tebow brian red band's gonna go up and do my favorite joke we do my favorite joke which Tony Henscliff. We do my favorite joke. Which joke? You know the joke. Can't even talk about it because I don't want anybody to know the joke. Oh.

That joke. Yeah. Yeah, that one. I have a new one that I'm in love with now. We'll do that too, but I got to hear that other joke. I love that joke. And that'll be tonight. It's 15 bucks at the Ice House, 10 o'clock show.

And I'm doing like half hour, 40 minutes, something like that at the end. Unless I get drunk, then I might go long. Who are the comedians that you would pay to see now, like the ones, your favorites? I'd pay to see anybody good, man. I love comedy. I mean, I don't have to pay really because most guys, I can ask them and they'll let me come into their show. But I'd still love to go see comedy. We just saw Dice Clay at the Riviera in Vegas.

I fucking loved it, man. Me and Brian, we were like little kids. How fun was that show? It was great. So much fun. It's exactly what I wanted. Yeah. We all were hanging out, and we were in Vegas for the UFC, and it was Friday night.

And I was free. We didn't have anything to do. And Opie and Anthony, you know those guys? You ever do that show? No. Jimmy Norton and Anthony Cumia were in town, and one of the guys that works on the show, Sam Roberts, he was in town too, and so we all went out to dinner together.

So while we're out at dinner, we go, let's go see Dice's show. So we text Dice. Dice texts back. We go there, and it was like we were like little kids. We're like, we get to go see a show. Like I got to go see Dice atice Dice text back we go there and it was like like we're like little kids we're like we get to go see a show like I got to go see Dice at the Riviera I was so happy like I fucking love to go see like a good show I didn't have to pay for it because Dice hooked me up but I would be happy to pay to see that that was really fun you know I'm when I was uh first starting out before I was

successful it was really hard for me to go see too many comedians because I would like, I'd feel like, like, God, I suck in comparison to that guy. I don't even want to, you know, I don't even want to go on stage now. And then I would be like weirded out by other people's acts. Like I didn't want to watch people do better than me. But then once you get to a certain level of comfort, you realize why you became a comedian in the first place. It's because you love watching stuff and laughing at it. And so then you get to figure it out again

and then be a fan again. To me, it was like the first ten years of my comedy life was like a cycle of slowly figuring out that you just have to enjoy it and just laugh at everything. Just because you're a struggling comedian, don't not enjoy

comedy because comedy is like the best form of entertainment that's why you like in the first place right you know don't not like it because you suck at it by the way joe i don't know if you know about this yet or or or not but uh steve uh carlisi yeah from opium anthony what happened uh you know i i don't know i got a i got an email today from eroc uh and but there's a memorial fund for his family i mean he has a i remember last time i talked to him he's got a small uh daughter yeah yeah yeah what is the uh the address um i tweeted if you want to if you want to twitter it twitter it uh but but tell people that are listening to this on their phone where they can find it.

Yeah, it is. Let's see. Well, the address is gofundme.com slash V-H-0-E-W, which makes no sense. But if you go to my Twitter, it's R-E-D-B-A-N, or go to Joe Rogan's Twitter. I'm sure he's going to tweet it right now. Okay, yeah, I'm going to retweet it right here. What it says on Brian's is I'm very sad about this. Steve was a

great guy. And today's date is what? Is it the 18th? So if you go to Brian's Twitter feed on the 18th. Any fans of Opie and Anthony know him. He was a really nice guy. I remember he had really cool tattoos. He's a really cool guy. It sucks. I don't know what happened.

It's terrible news. I saw Sam's email. He sent me an email as well. And he gave us a URL, I believe, didn't he? Yeah, that's the one I just Twittered. Okay. Tweeted. But can you give it out to people?

I just did. You know what it says? I just did. It makes no sense. It's like backslashing a whole bunch of numbers and words. Oh, it's one of those? Yeah. Okay.

Well, it's on my Twitter. I retweeted it. It's on Brian's, and we're very sorry to hear that. He was a great guy, and hopefully he's in heaven. Yeah. Or darkness. Darkness. Like your dad would say.

That's fucking disturbing. Heaven's better. Heaven sues it better. That sucks, man. I hate hearing shit like that. How old is he? I don't know. I don't think he was very old at all. I hate hearing shit like that. How old is he? I don't know. I don't think he was very old at all.

I don't even think he was 40. Was he? No, he was in his 30s. He lost a ton of weight, right? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. But that was a while ago, but yeah. But it looks like they've almost reached their goal, so that's great.

They're trying to raise, it looks like, $30,000. So many Open Anthony fans, $30,000. So many Open Anthony fans, I guess, have come through. That's awesome. Thanks, everybody. And thank you, Brian, for bringing this show down. Bringing the show down. Screeching halt. That is a bummer, though, man.

So I have an update of a past episode when I smoked moth poop and a little bit of fluorescent orange stuff came out of it. I found out that it was actually shit. Like I didn't know for sure. Of course it was shit. I didn't know if it was eggs or something. You smoked it? This is the problem. The kid did ecstasy two days ago and he hasn't been the same since.

And I don't know whether I should call his mom. I'm thinking I need to call his mom and say, yeah, Mrs band we got a situation here yeah it's joe yeah brian's friend yeah he's um he's just uh i don't think i think i think he fucked up i think he smoked too much moth i think he went over the other side i don't know what i didn't tie his ankle and i don't know if we're ever going to get him back. Dude, I did ecstasy once, and I couldn't read the next day. I can't believe you do it so often. I don't do it often. I do it every three months, maybe.

That's a lot. Four months. For me, that's terrifying. No, and I don't do ecstasy. I do Molly, which is better. Better. Way better. Okay.

I have a bad. I had a great experience and a bad experience. A great experience that it felt really good. Bad experiences. The next day I was useless. I was dried out. It's like I felt like I would literally had been dried out. Like my brain like was a sponge that was out in the sun.

That seems like that's the worst part. For me it was. I mean, I think everybody's different. I have bad sleep apnea too. So I think I'm always a little bit depleted when it comes to shit like that. Back then, I wasn't on top of it. Now I wear this mouthpiece that keeps me. I have a big tongue. You don't need to know all this shit about me, dude.

My point was maybe that hindered me from coming back as good because I wasn't getting very good sleep, but it was hard for me to bounce back mentally. I don't think I was the same for several days. The next day I remember feeling really, really stupid. And I went on stage and tried to remember my act, but it was not good. It was just a really mediocre show. It wasn't a good show. I remember for like three or four days thinking, this is a fucking mediocre show. It wasn't a good show. I remember for like three or four days thinking this is a fucking terrible idea.

I learned so much about myself, but I was like, I'm never doing this again. Fuck this. Yeah. I, I, one time I went college,

my neighbors, uh, they used to sell weed and Coke and everything like that. And I played baseball in college. And, uh, so I could never, I couldn't do any drugs.

You got drug tested all the time. And then, uh, I had this fucked up injury. Again, I'm telling you too much information. But anyway, they gave me this shit to smoke because I wasn't getting drug tested anymore. And I didn't know, but they had just like, I guess they had sprinkled Coke and something else on it. Whoa.

Yeah, and I didn't know. I just thought I was smoking weed. And so I smoked it, and I was just like going out of my fucking mind. Like I knew it wasn't weed like 10 minutes into it. I was like my heart was beating super fast, and I was sweaty going out of my fucking mind. I knew it wasn't weed 10 minutes into it. I was like, my heart was beating super fast, and I was sweaty on just one half of my face. The other half was perfectly dry. The other half was just dripping sweat.

And for the next two days, I thought I was retarded. I couldn't think through thoughts. It was freaking me out. I've never done coke, but the whole coke culture of getting really high and then crashing through the fucking bottom is so unappealing to me. I don't understand. It scares the shit out of me. No, that's why I like being kind of up. So that's why, same thing, I've never done coke because I know I'll do it

and then I'll really like it. And every time I'm with somebody who does coke they're always just like looking for more coke oh yeah it's never like you have to sit and enjoy it you're just like i liked it that much i mean i liked it for a month but after a while that that feeling of always looking for it at least for me i was like yeah this sucks why do i want to keep on doing something that i want to keep on looking for and i keep on spending like like $100 every couple hours. You're an interesting dude, Brian, and that a lot of people don't realize. You go, oh, Brian doesn't have a lot of willpower.

You actually do. You have a lot of willpower. You lost an insane amount of weight really quickly. You lost like 70 or 80 pounds, right? How many pounds did you lose? I don't remember i think it was 75 pounds 70 pounds and he did it over a really short period of time yeah four months and it was really shocking to watch him just shrink and i was like what will you when you put your

mind to shit you can you can get things done but most of the time you just decide not to put your mind to things i put my mind too much too much now too much now. What did you do to lose all that weight so quick? I just did white Weight Watchers, but I did half the points at a hacked Weight Watchers. I did half the points, and then I just did a lot of zero-point things, like all vegetables. I just ate vegetables

non-stop until I couldn't eat any more vegetables. Did you feel good when you were really light like that? Did you feel good? Yeah. I don't remember i felt the same as i do now really yeah didn't feel any better yeah i don't i don't remember feeling going like oh i feel great no you were exercising a lot too though right weren't you uh i was exercising five four days a week five days a week that's a lot yeah for you like how often you do it now uh once let's

see i've done it twice in the last six months that was great delivery man i walked a lot of that would really be funny you should say that on stage that was funny that was really good delivery yeah but like somebody just asked me that exact same question today, and I was like, you know what? I walked probably a good five miles this last week at Comic-Con. I do a lot of that shit where I'm like, oh, no, I mean, I do exercise. You move your body from one place to another without equipment. Right.

I walk to Starbucks every day. That's what he considers working out, moving his body unassisted. You will be the first amongst us to give in to having one of those fucking, those freeway things. What are those things? Segways? Segways. That's how you're going to get around.

I want to go on a segway. That's one of those guilty pleasures that I haven't done yet. I just want to treat myself to a segway. You've really never done one? Oh, dude, they're amazing. They're amazing. Yeah, they are pretty cool. They're super cool. It's a gyway rental. You've never, you've really never done one? Yeah. Oh, dude, they're amazing. They're amazing. Yeah, they are pretty cool. They're super cool.

It's a gyroscope. The only issue with those things is when they were shut off, they would just shut off and people would just fall on their ass and it's, you know,

you really get jacked. Like, old people, like, you know, fell and got fucked up. I hear the new ones are just fucking badass. Yeah, the new ones let you know.

They, like, beep and shit. They let you know it's dying. Get off me, bitch. I'm gonna die. I wonder what they Didn't the. Get off me, bitch. I'm going to die. I wonder what they toss now. Didn't the guy who created them, he drove off a cliff on one? I think the guy who owned it. Yes, he fell off a cliff on one.

Yeah. Whoops. Yeah. What the fuck that, man? Imagine watching that happen in the beginning of a Coen Brothers movie. Yeah. beginning of a coen brothers movie the guy he's fucking zipping along on the pacific highway waving to people and he looks down at his phone to check his text messages and right as he types lol to something that's not even remotely fucking funny

wow the new ones are fucking amazing i'm hungry lol boom off the cliff and you watch them flip and the coyotes move in three minutes of that yeah dude check these new models i would start chewing them apart at night look at these things yeah they're dope as fuck, dude. Kevin James used one for that Paul Blart Mall Cop movie. And then once he used it for that, he decided to bring them with him when he does any movie. Because it's like the best way to get around. On a big set, especially. So he had a couple of those on his show.

And me and him, we used to go around the Boston Common with them. It was so fun. How fast do those go? Probably like as fast as you can run wow max speed 20 miles an hour yeah probably 12 miles an hour so they have um ones i think that cops use that go faster i think i'm thinking of those yeah i've seen those ones because what is what is a person a fast person run like what do they run like 30 miles an hour yeah like close to like like usain bolt what does he do he does like close to 30 miles an hour or something? Yeah, like close to. Like Usain Bolt. What does he do?

He does close to 30 miles an hour. Isn't that funny? If a person was a car, they wouldn't be shit. Weak-ass fucking bitch. 30 miles an hour. In a car, that's annoying. It's annoying when you have to go 30 miles an hour. Yeah, you're like this fucking see-a-hawking.

If you're on the highway and you can only go 30 miles an hour, you're like, oh, this is going to take forever. Well, that's you running full clip. The fastest human in the world. Hurling his body against gravity. Anytime people are like, oh, this guy's such an amazing athlete. I'm like, I just saw a fucking bear run like 35, 40. He's like a fat, slow bear.

Big, giant-ass fucking animal. You see what those things look like when they lose their hair? No. You ever seen that? Oh, they look amazing. Bears lose their hair? Yeah, there's a bear that has some form of mange, probably, and there's pictures of it with no hair.

It looks like some creature in a never-ending story or something. It doesn't look real. It's a hobbit type creature actually it looks it looks like dark crystal actually yeah look at that oh my god yeah come on man oh my god how strange is that that's horrible i had a dog that had mange like that not that bad but giant patches of her body when i found her i rescued her giant patches of her body were like that that's apparently where the chupacabra they think the myth comes from too is coyotes they get that coyotes that have mange they lose all their

hair and they look freaky they look really fucking creepy have you seen see if you can find one of those coyotes with no hair man oh what is that he's got a pink shirt on ms paint brush i love it that's paint brush how is that still in use i don't know wait what was it called again what were you talking about uh coyote with mange and you know the the images one of them was on i think one of those like monster quest type shows they were trying to say like someone thought they had a chupacabra. Oh, yeah. And that's what it turned out to be. It turned out to be a coyote that had the mange. They lose all the hair on their body,

and they just look really freaky. There's a chimp that has no hair, too. Have you seen that? Yeah, that's one of them, man. What are you doing? Are you going the other way? There's a chimp that has no hair, too. That one is really frightening.

Pull that up. The chimp with no hair is crazy because you really start to think, like, how terrifying it would be if this thing was trying to bite your dick off. Like, it probably would do if it got alone with you. It would probably bite your dick off. This actually looks like a gross girl at a bar. Yeah, look at that. That's horrible.

Well, wait till you see the full image. His body is enormous, too. His muscles are fucking huge. Pull that one up right there. Look at that. Click on that. Jesus. Look at the size of his fucking muscles.

Dude, that's like, yeah. And that's a chimpanzee. His muscles are way stronger than yours. So that creepy looking beast has has probably, you know, strength of a 500, 600-pound man, maybe even more. If he was like a ripped 500, 600-pound man. Yeah, like a superhuman. I mean, they're so much stronger than us.

He can hurl his body through the air, grab a whole lot of things with one arm, and sling his body to their side. Have you ever seen one of those guys get angry in a cage and hurl themselves around? Dude, I live right by the zoo in San Diego. I go all the time. I got to pass.

Oh, that wild animal park. That's an awesome zoo. It's awesome. It's huge. And one time I was at the monkey cage, and this guy was just banging on the glass trying to get the monkeys to pay attention to him. Oh, God. It was just so stupid.

And the monkey came up. It was like, I don't know what it was. It was, like, a bonobo or something like that. And it just fucking rocked the glass once and put a crack in it. And then, like, all of a sudden, like, all the fucking, you know, zookeeper people came in and shit. But, like, it was just, it looked like a monkey that looked like a 100-pound monkey.

And it was so fucking strong that it put a crack in, like, 12- it was a chimp oh wow because we shouldn't really say monkey when chimp the people get angry it's racist they get angry with me this is incorrect they're apes okay i get it monkeys have tails is that is that the deal monkeys have tails i call monkeys too but this is a chimp this is a chimp chimps are super fucking strong a hundred pound chimp could fuck you up oh yeah fuck you up man and imagine like those gorillas that's just like that's one of the greatest scenes in in any movie ever was when the gorilla comes out and starts running shit on that planet of the apes movie when all the chimps were thinking they were badass they were gonna have

little battles to see who's the most fucking badass and the smart chimps like i'm just gonna make friends with this gorilla that was not that i was surprised how much i liked that movie love gorillas man when gorillas go crazy i love it it's primal you know as long as i'm not there it's not actually terrifying i'm totally rooting for that gorilla when the gorilla comes out and just just goes crazy and all the chimps are like, oh, shit! It's kind of funny when you think about it, man. These fearless animals, these fucking super animals that are going to take over downtown Manhattan.

They're still terrified of that gorilla. I would love to see, I know it's impossible, but I would love to see how much a huge gorilla could bench press. I bet they could throw around some insane numbers. If you look at their body structure, it's so ridiculous. Like a big one, like a big mountain gorilla.

What do they weigh? Like 600 pounds or something like that? Yeah, like 800 pounds. 800 pounds? Can you imagine how fucking strong that thing must be? They're so strong that they don't even have to climb in the trees to hide from the cats and shit like that. Cats aren't going to fuck with gorillas. That is too much work, man. You know, if you're getting a tussle with a gorilla you might not win

those they have fangs too yeah it's they have fangs too and really thick skin and they are so much bigger than you man they're so big and so strong and so crazy it's weird they have little dicks super weird humans are the primates with the largest penises and it's all. They have little dicks. Super weird. Humans are the primates with the largest penises. And it's all related to how many sexual partners our females are likely to encounter. Really? Yeah. The gorilla kingdom is a patriarchal setup

where he's got a harem, and those girls are all monogamous. There's no sexual competition between him and other males. He has his harem. So he has a little dick. He doesn't have to have a big dick. Whereas chimps have big dicks. Those chimp bitches are freaks.

They freak on. And with human beings, they found that the more promiscuous and this actually in the animal kingdom as well, the more promiscuous the females are, the larger the testicles are of the males. It was even theorized that there's specific sperm that go after and kill other sperm. That's their only duty is to go after and attack the sperm.

But it turns out that that was just kind of crazy speculation. Or at least it's mostly agreed by smart folks in the know about the subject that that's probably bullshit. Or most likely bullshit, but fascinating nonetheless, to think that your balls grow, which is a fact, that you develop more sperm when you run whores. That's real, man.

That means that since I went to San Diego State, I should have gigantic fucking balls. Oh, really? Was San Diego State filled with slutty girls? San Diego State is like, yeah, it's like if you were too dumb to get into a good school. Oh, really? But you still wanted to party and fuck a bunch of people.

Wow. And you were a girl. You went to San Diego State. Dude, this sounds like a movie. How about we pitch it? You write it, and I know a dude who knows... What's that dude's name? Justin Timberlake?

We could do it, man. We can make this happen. Dude, one time I was i was at the uh i was at the zoo speaking about the sperm thing and this monkey was in the corner just jacking off in the corner of the zoo but and all the other monkeys were in a circle talking and uh and so he jerks off and he finishes into his hand no way yeah he finishes into his hand but just standing there he's not doing anything yet and then he walks over to the group of monkeys that's talking, and he smears it on this one monkey's face, and then he runs away, right?

And so I'm like, oh, my God. So she doesn't freak out or, like, go crazy or get upset. She just, like, calmly wipes her face, smells it, and then licks it, and then she walks over to him and puts her ass up, and they start fucking. Whoa. Whoa. Yeah. So the way he got her to fuck him was to come on her face real quick. Look at that.

Oh, my God. That is to me, black cats, those big black cats are the scariest fucking thing I can see. Even for whatever reason, more scary than tigers. Because tigers, you almost feel like you could never fight back right yeah if you got attacked by a jaguar it's like man maybe you might be able to live because they're not that big well they're they're pretty big 200 pounds yeah but look out look at the muscles on that thing i mean come on man if that thing wanted to fuck you is that a jaguar fucking a cheetah no no no they're they're they're both leopards um and um the

leopards are black too like they uh like what the black ones what they are is like he actually has spots on them they're just it's most of his body is a spot i bet they vary a little bit oh jesus yeah i wonder if it sounds like a car alarm right they look so. It's such a freaky creation by nature. I mean, look at just the physical form of this thing. Just designed only to kill. Yeah. Really strong, really fast, and wants to attack things that move in front of it.

Like a ball of yarn. It's got such a kill drive. You roll a ball in front of it, it jumps on the ball. She's reaching back, getting the dick into the... She helped him? Yeah. She gave him a reach run? Yeah, she's reaching back getting the dick into the she helped him yeah she's she gave him a reach run yeah she's reaching down right now trying to get it in oh really oh she is yeah and uh look at him he's trying to get his little right here bitch let me try to get this i gotta hear him let me help you all right gotta get back look at the

size of his fucking arms. Jesus Christ, man. Oh, here we go. He figured out the lounge position. He's got a lounge style. He's like sitting back, and he's got his hand on her shoulder. He's like, bitch, you ain't going nowhere. Just let me hold on to you right here.

Look at the size of his fucking body. He shot off. Oh. And she's just checking. She knows how to properly do it. You hold it in there and make sure all the cum gets in your vagina yeah that's what she's doing isn't she she's keeping the cum in the vagina yeah that's what they do uh on some some sides of this in los angeles look at the size of her bones like when she puts her hands up look at the size of the bones in the hand that thing would fuck you up oh my god it would fuck you up look at the size of that fucking thing

and it's it's crazy that they only eat like vegetables too yeah gorillas are insanely aggressive insanely strong and they they eat like broccoli how do they get what yeah where they get their protein from get You get those big ass muscles. Well, believe it or not, most vegetables have very high levels of protein, especially leafy green vegetables. We just think of protein as only being associated with animals,

you know, like eating steak or so. But there's a lot of protein in kale. Kale is a massive amount of protein. So does broccoli. If you eat like mad quantities of that stuff, you can get almost everything that you can get from meat, except like the weird shit, like aggression.

You don't get the... There's something aggressive you get out of eating meat. I think there's something... I really do firmly believe that there's something that happens when your body processes the fact that it's eating animal protein that makes you more aggressive. I really do believe it does.

Is there any part of you, Joe, in the following photo that gets you kind of turned on? All right, ready? Ready. Go. Wow. You got to think that's tight. It's all swollen and shit. Like if it's completely –

There's no way that could be loose. Look how painful it looks. If you get it cleaned out really well done, like they take the detail it might feel so good it might be worth it yeah you might if you don't if you could look off at the horizon while you fuck that thing yeah i mean look it's basically like a flashlight how big is that i don't know that's about that's a that's like a humongous uh uh pumpkin yeah it's it's hard to i don know, I think there's a small monkey. Justin, would you take it?

Would you take that? If it was detailed and cleaned out? If that baboon ass was detailed? Is that what that is? Is that a baboon? Yeah.

It is, right? What a weird animal a baboon is. It looks like a dog, sort of. Yeah. You know, just get a,

pull up another picture of a baboon's head, man. Baboons, they've also figured out how to raise dogs. Have you seen that? Yeah, baboons are so smart. They actually steal puppies from the mothers, and they raise them, and they raise them as guards.

And they feed them, and they keep them around so that they can sleep, and the dogs stick around. The dogs will bark when something's going on. Yeah. That's fucking amazing. It's fucking amazing fucking incredible man they're smart enough to realize that if you keep dogs you take them when they're puppies you keep them around they lock on to you and you're the daddy just keep feeding them and then they bark when some shit comes around dude i was watching this nature show the other day and it was all these wolves were hunting they were following them and so it was all these wolves and they were it was it they

were in between these two mountains that sort of funneled into this one little place so all the wolves are together all of them leave but one one stays in this little like funnel and then they scare up some animals and the animals run down to the funnel and then that wolf that's waiting there for him like jumps on him right so it means they like made a plan and somehow non-verbally told one of the wolves like you stay here and we'll scare up prey that'll run to you and then you fuck it up jesus christ that's like yeah it's crazy like how are they communicating like that like how's that happening it's amazing it's baboons yeah what a weird looking animal. Look at their faces. That's like a lion monkey.

Look at it. That is a really weird ass. Why is the ass like that? I don't know. Is that Oprah? Look at that girl. That's a huge dick. Look at how they climb. Holy shit, that's incredible.

Why is Oprah doing it? It's confusing me. But it's amazing. They fight on these walls. Oh, he just bit the shit out of some bitch. Oh, fuck. She got crazy. She did.

He just bit her. Oh, she's mad. She's really mad. She's definitely letting him know. Whoa, she fucked up. He looks mean. What a creepy fucking animal how much dry as baboons travel over land in large groups for a reason there are predators here leopards hyenas and cheetahs that face So freaky looking, man. They do.

They have those, like, dog snouts. Wow. That's like Avatar shit right there. It's totally Avatar shit. Look at that. It seems conscious. But it looks like an animal. Look at that.

Oh. Another army of baboons has also made camp on these cliffs. Oh, fuck. Baboon war. Oh, Jesus Christ. Which could, fuck. Baboon war. Oh, Jesus Christ. Which could spell trouble. Baboon trouble. Hamadryas baboons will fight over food.

Why is Oprah doing this? She loves baboons. Like all of us. She likes the baboon ass as much as I do. They really are like avatar creatures, man. Yeah. Is Oprah playing the piano also? I'm so happy that Africa exists.

Yeah. But it can suck my dick. I'm not going there. I'm not going there. That is a crazy spot, man. Look at all this. There's like a thousand baboons. Look at what we're looking at.

Can you imagine if this was in, like, North Dakota? Can you imagine if, like, you're driving in North Dakota and you have to deal with fucking packs of angry bandit hyenas? Wouldn't it be completely hilarious, though, like, if a game show came in there and just built, like, a Toys R Us or, like, a restaurant and just see how long

it lasts? In baboon country? Like, Olive Garden, Africa. Look at the baboons, man. This is insanity. On Fear Factor, you had to have done some kind of weird animal shit at some point. Well, we avoided most dangerous animals except bulls. That was the dumbest episode that we ever did. There was only two episodes where I ever protested what we were doing.

Oh, he's just jacking people. Oh, this baboon is ruthless. Did he kill her? Yeah, I think he he kill her yeah oh whoa that's fucked up life that was the life and death too son is it um there's only two episodes of fear factor that i ever protested i said we shouldn't do not shouldn't do but i was like i i was like wow you guys serious one of them was riding a bull i was like this is you guys are crazy that it was we had an old stunt team. In the early days of Fear Factor, they took, you know, stunt guys are rough dudes.

They're like, someone's going to get hurt. We're going to be all right, but someone might get hurt. They were willing to take way more chances. So they put people on these bulls. And I go, hey, man, are these safe? I go, these are fucking bulls, man. How do you know that it's going to be safe? He goes, well, these are the training bulls.

They're not even that aggressive. I'm like, do they know they're training bulls? Do they know? I think they just think they're bulls. That thing is huge.

Like, a bull is another avatar creature. Bulls are ridiculous. This giant, stupid, fucking cunt of an animal with huge horns

and you're going to ride it and it's locked in a cage. They're going to open up the cage. You're going to hold on to this bull. The fuck out of here. That's one of the dumbest things I've ever heard in my life. I was like, you guys are just totally rolling the dice as to whether or not these people are going to be okay. And that's exactly what happened. Over and over again. People were flying through the air, man.

Everybody got launched off. You're going to get launched off, period. And you might get stomped. You might get kicked in the face. You might have to get your whole head reconstructed. That's not a joke you could stomp on you poor cow we got the size of his dick it's got straw on it and shit dirty bastard look at the size of that fucking bull man he's gonna milk that shit look at the size of the muscles on that bull again eats grass that's all he's eating and he's aggressive as fuck aggressive as fuck from eating hay yeah fuck you up he's huge he's got a giant dick and he eats hay wait what was

the other one you protested and look at this bull sex what was the other one the other fear factor episode oh that was the donkey semen one they had a donkey semen they uh i thought that was the dumbest thing ever i was like you can't get people to drink cum, man. I don't care if it comes from a donkey. Not like these volumes. It was like 24 ounces. It was such a stupid amount of cum. I was like, there's no way you could do this. This is not right.

You can't do this. And they were like, well, it passed standards and practices, and we could do it. I'm like, okay. What's bull sex as a term in sex world bull sex yeah i don't know what is it because when i googled image it there's a lot of crazy shit that came up it's probably some gay shit yeah maybe don't be looking at that if you do don't throw up in the keyboard is there don't panic yeah yeah straight out into the back

this door is locked for your safety because we were worried about you But if you unlock that Go straight Take the dead star babies Out of the way The other way Powerful Powerful Justin Halpern Yeah

Cool dude right Southern California kid Grew up in San Diego Where are you going to be this weekend This weekend I'm in Calgary, bitch. Is your show sold out? The first show sold out.

The second show, there's some tickets left for the 10 o'clock show. It's at the Jack Singer Concert Hall. I tweeted it today. I can't tell you the link because it's so stupid. It's one of those million character long links. you know, character long links. But it's,

if you go to my Twitter today, it's, today is the 18th of July and it's this Friday night so it's two nights from now. It's me, Ari Shafir,

and Duncan Trussell. First show sold out and then we got a 10 o'clock show that still has some tickets available and then there's a UFC the next night. Powerful. Calgary.

Making shit happen up there in Canada. Yeah. I love canada dude that's where you gotta go when the shit hits the fan vancouver yeah it's a good spot perfect for you a lot of ecstasy a lot of asian chicks mountains skiing i know how much you love to ski if there was a red-headed Asian, I think that would be the best combination. I saw a blonde

Asian in San Diego, and it was such a weird combo. That's rare. Was it a blonde bleach blonde, or was it a freak of nature? It was... It looked like white hair. It looked like Matrix. Those guys from the Matrix.

She bleached it white. She bleached it white. And it was really cool because it was like a blonde girl that looked like an alien. Until you get down to those pubes, those butthole hairs that she hasn't kept up with. Asians don't have hair. They don't? No. They were designed to get rid of the armpit hair.

I've seen porn. I've seen Asian porns. Well, there's different kinds of Asians. Stan Hope does a whole bit about Asian porn hair, about it being like rat hairs. I forget what he says. Rat whiskers or something. Well, I mean, they have pubes, but they don't have armpit hairs usually or leg hairs or face hair. I think we're talking about pubes, though, son.

No, I was talking about...es though Oh no I was talking about Oh wait I don't remember San Diego is one of my new favorite places to go Hanging out at that American Comedy Company made me realize what a great spot that is like that whole area the whole hangout area

What is that area called again remember where all the bars were What's that area? Brewery? Not know what is that what's that that area called again remember where all the bars where it was called what's that area brewery not the brewery district that's columbus you're you're san diego gas lamp gas gas it's such a great spot man we were just there for uh we did some shows the american comedy company we were like what a nice area this is like everybody's walking around it's like really cool i like the in the end as hotel by the way that place is yeah very nice it's that 10 year 15 years ago that was like skid row really yeah the whole thing see that's where that's where i like more republican government you know that's where i like like conservative government that's where that's one of the things i like about a

place like san diego and its military presence they like have way less bullshit going on oh yeah you know san diego is like even even when like there'll be some at the bar saturday night there'll be some guys that let loose and there'll be some fights and stuff but it's pretty well policed i mean like and it's they would never let it get to be where skid row is in la they would never let it get that far la skid row is ridiculous it's crazy i think that wouldn't happen in san in la they would never let it get that far la skid row is ridiculous it's crazy i think that wouldn't happen in san diego they would never let it happen and there's some bad things about that like where they keep trying to close the pot shops down and they you know arrest people for they're really aggressive about alcohol after midnight unless it's at a bar yeah

they're aggressive about that but you know what that's how you keep a nice community it sucks but it's true that's the only way they could make downtown work. Downtown was crazy before then. Wow. So what started the change? There was just some developers came in and were like, listen, we're going to pump a ton of money into downtown. If you give us the permits, we'll pump the money in.

Wow. And so our government, I mean, now our government's all fucked in San Diego. What's wrong with it now? Oh, all the councilmen and stuff got busted for like doing some strippers and stuff. Oh, yeah, he was trying to fuck girls, right? Yeah. So we're broke now. The city's actually kind of went bankrupt.

Did he get sued? That and he handed out some contracts to dudes who own strip clubs and stuff. Oh, no, he didn't. Did he really? There was a bunch of shit. Oh, that's beautiful. Yeah. So he was rocking it and stuff. Oh, no, he didn't. Did he really? There was a bunch of shit that happened. Oh, that's beautiful. Yeah. So he was rocking it old school. Oh, yeah.

Old school corruption style. He was trading contracts basically for hookers. Whoa. Like the strippers would, you know, like he'd go and they'd fuck him and strip for him and all kinds of shit. And then he would hand out contracts to the owners. Sounds like he's living like a king.

Somebody came along that was hating. The guy obviously had a good racket. And they were hating on the dude. Everything was going fine. And some buzzkill. Good place to live. A guy like that running shit is going to be happy all the time. But yeah, downtown, they totally revitalized it.

And so it was just this one group of developers that just started with the money, and then it all... Then everybody followed suit. It's amazing. It's something to learn from, because I'll tell you, that place where the American Comedy Company is is really awesome. Really fun. Yeah, it's really cool. Is that Brian's? That chicken and waffle place?

Brian's 24. Oh, Jesus. Right next door to it? Yep. It's a fucking sweet area, man. And there's a lot of big police presence there, too. A lot of cops. We saw it.

Tons, tons, tons of cops. Which is, by the way, which is good. Keeps people from douching. Yeah, but no place to smoke weed. That's true. That's annoying. You better not get caught smoking weed anywhere in San Diego. Really?

Is it that bad? Dude, yeah. They don't fuck around. They don't fuck around. They treat it like it's cocaine or something? Yeah, same. It's like coke. Wow. The Busty Fuller. I didn't know that. So they go federal on you in San Diego? They don't have to. They don't fuck around. They treat it like it's cocaine or something? Yeah, same. It's like coke. Wow.

So they go federal on you in San Diego? They don't have to, and they do. Really? Yeah. How bad do they do it? What do they do? Do you know anybody who's been arrested? Yeah.

My buddy was just smoking a joint on the street. Stupidly, he was drunk. So smoking a joint on the street. And he was in jail for five days. He had all kinds of charges brought up on him. Bullshit stuff like intent to sell and stuff like that. He's just a guy smoking a joint on the street. Wow, I was smoking a lot of joints this weekend.

They just try to... Oh, when big conventions come in, then they're chill. Oh, they play nice, nice. Yeah, Comic-Con, you're not going to get busted're chill. Oh, they play nice, nice. Yeah, Comic-Con, you're not going to get busted for anything. Whoa, that's weird. That's even creepier. So this guy was in jail for five days. He was in jail for five days.

He couldn't figure out why. They kept saying, he was broke, so he's like, when do I get out? They're like, I'm not sure. They held him for five days. Why did they do that? Because they just wanted to make a point. So they don't even charge you with anything. They just hold you.

He ended up getting charged. I can't remember what he got charged for, but it was a big fine. It was like a shitload of community service. It was worse than getting a DUI. Wow, that's crazy. For just smoking one joint. How long ago was this? Maybe like a year and a half ago.

Wow. Fuck San Diego. I just ruled San Diego right off the list. Yeah, it's list yeah like how can they do that in the state of california because the state of california is really when it comes to drugs especially when it comes to schedule one stuff which means schedule one means that it doesn't mean it's the most dangerous but it means that it's it has no medical purpose so like the thing about marijuana is it's lumped in there with like crystal meth and things that are useless it's a lot like lumped in there with like the worst drugs it's the idea is that it's there's no value but then schedule two is cocaine schedule two is heroin because

there's medical uses for them wow yeah so it's fuck that it's ridiculous Fuck that. It's ridiculous. So federally, they're allowed to go after it as a federal crime, even if under the state, you know, it's legal. It's a very tricky situation. Like the DEA can always come in and bust these medical marijuana places federally. Yeah. Because federally, it's a Schedule 1 drug still. The classification's insane. I mean, it's...

At this point in time... Look, first of all tommy chung the guy on our show is perfect example that he's been using this hemp oil to uh to treat his cancer he has cancer of the prostate yeah and he's he's 99 cancer free now holy shit yeah and he's been using this hemp oil shit and he's like i just use it religiously i changed my diet i started eating healthy and And boom. Sons of bitches. And the federal government would come in and make that illegal.

My cousin is a farmer, quote unquote. Quote unquote. Brooklyn. Yeah, exactly. No, he's a farmer up by Humboldt. Oh, Jesus. He's for real. He's for real.

But he sells to dispensaries and stuff. So it's kind of on the up and up. Sort of. He didn't always. But he told me, he's like, yeah, at any time, the feds can come in here and throw me in jail. Big time jail. It's so crazy. And they take all your money. Yeah.

And they just choose when to do it. And anybody that's making any noise, like they had that show Weed Wars. Remember that show? Yeah. Well, I saw that. I'm like, they're going to get busted. Boom, they got busted. Like right after that. The show got busted? Yeah. But the guy who made it was one of the guys they were featuring on the

show who's he had just big medical marijuana dispensary and when you run i mean i think there's something somewhere in the provisions where it's like you're not supposed to make like a lot of profit and so like when you are a part of a big thing a medical marijuana collective you're responsible for even though a lot of money is coming in, you have to make sure that it goes to places like, you have to give some of it away to charity, pay your employee. You can't be making a lot of money off of it.

And when there's millions of dollars made, they just assume you're making a lot of money. It doesn't matter what you're doing with the numbers, whether it's legit or not. In their opinion, they're like, this guy's too big, we're taking him down. And so they just go after you. And if you have a safe, they take take your money and fucking good luck getting that back

they take all your pot and they're probably gonna sell it you know i don't know what they do with it it's if it's legal in the state i mean who knows who knows what they're gonna do with it i mean they i mean why would they burn it when it's probably worth millions of dollars they would what do you want to do here yeah i mean what does happen all that pot it's a good question if you ask tommy chong says they steal it what happens like they get a huge drug bust crossing the border they burn it they burn it they burn it yeah they do it in mexico i know they burn it in mexico they burn the coke they burn um they burn uh i don't know if they do that anymore was it one was one of the shows with anthony bourdain i forget where he was he was in some south american company country rather where they had this giant bust of cocaine and he was there

while they lit the cocaine on fire wow yeah and he was like you know like they were all all the cops had thrown this stuff into like this ditch and they're gonna like pour gasoline on it light on fire i'm like i would not want to be anywhere in any shape connected to that fucking event that looks like it's costing some drug dealer some serious fucking money and you're gonna put that on a tv show i'd be like oh fuck that man not my show bitch did you read that thing there was a thing in new york times magazine a couple weeks ago about this the biggest drug dealer in mexico like drug cartel guy and uh in one part of the essay they said that he was having trouble figuring ways to get it to the u.s so he just kidnapped some

scientists and had them build him a submarine to ship fucking coke oh to the u.s oh my god where did he kidnap the scientists from ah i can't remember where they said but like he basically described his scientists he was like hey build me a coke submarine oh my god could you imagine that fucking job and are you gonna get out is they ever gonna let you free why would he ever let you free he built him a coke submarine he's gonna let you free you're in once you build the coke submarine you're in as long as you keep producing shit for him maybe he'll keep you alive yeah eventually you're gonna run out of shit to do and you know too much yeah you know where the coke machine's parked they got a fucking coke machine that goes underwater i mean that's what

it is it's a coke it's a it's a real live coke machine the crazy thing is is like how much money is he making that he's just like i don't know if it's gonna work or not but just here's a couple mil probably even more than that it's probably many many millions to create a submarine i mean have to bring in some serious engineers you'd have to bring in some fabricators i mean you want to start from scratch like how are you going to do this where are you going to get this submarine you're really going to build one man that is no joke what's going to propel this thing what are you what are you using for? How are you igniting it underwater? You know what you're doing?

You need some really specialized education to build a fucking submarine. That's no small achievement. No. You're going to have to call some other people, dude. I wonder how many scientists he kidnapped. other people dude i wonder how many i wonder how many scientists he kidnapped that yeah it was crazy because it said that uh it said that he had built these giant tunnels underground that had like bathrooms in them and all kinds of shit and then one of the tunnels got found out that's when he was like i'm so sick and tired of like building these gray tunnels i'm gonna build a submarine wow wow and imagine how terrifying it is to be in a submarine

filled with coke oh my god you're in the ocean filled with coke and you're totally by the way illegally there you're not supposed to be there so at any point in time they could just light you up with missiles from a distance you know also two dudes made it like under duress so there might be some like problems with it it might be a bomb it might wait to get underwater and blow you up you can't you may mill the fucking sub but then they'd probably kill the guy for sure imagine if the sub blew up yeah they would kill the guy who made it yeah they'd probably kill you anyway but they really kill you if it blows up that's the thing it's like if you do too well working for a drug cartel, you're going to die. If you don't do well enough, you're going to die.

It's a terrible job. I really don't recommend it to anybody. It's the most chaotic idea ever. You're going to get involved in the world of international drug selling. It's like the movie Scarface. How many future crazy tycoon drug dealer dudes did that movie inspire? Seriously. And really bad rappers.

Do you remember the episode of, what was it, Larry D? Curb Your Enthusiasm? We had Crazy Eye Killer. Yes. He's the rapper guy. It's one of the funniest episodes ever. This really hilariously ridiculous over-the-top rapper dude who loves scarface he had scarface on 24 7 in his house

it was so perfect what a shit way to make a living man trying to sell coke fuck like you know it's gonna end and it's like it's like you're on a train and you don't know when it's going to end. Oh, yeah. It's like you're on a train, and you don't know when it's going to hit the wall, but you know it's going to hit the wall. But until it hits the wall, you can party. Yeah. Well, that's what they said. They said that – so he lives – this guy, his name is El Chapo, and he lives on the top of, like, a mountain somewhere in Mexico that has just, like, guards all around it. And he just has, like, whores flown in. And he has, like – he has, like has whole soccer teams flown in to play for him.

Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. But you're basically a prisoner. You can't go out to dinner. Yeah, well, he serves sort of royal families. He's like a royal family. I mean, basically, we were talking about earlier. Very similar.

Yeah. And why? Why does he exist? That's where it gets really cute. It's all because of prohibition. The reason why organized crime exploded in America in the early days of the 20th century was because alcohol was illegal for a few years. And during that prohibition, that's when the organized crime families that were selling the alcohol got strong

because they were making a fuckload of money. And then once you have money, you have momentum. You have momentum, you're creating crime, people are getting rich, and there was a lot of money in selling booze. People wanted booze. The government was fucking stupid, and they tried to keep it from the people, and it became chaos. And that's exactly what's going on in Mexico.

A big part of what's going on in Mexico is because of the drug war and because Mexico is a poor country that's right next to a rich country and the best way to make money when you're connected to the rich country is sell them illegal shit yeah that's the best way is there some shit that I have that you can't get you need heroin that's funny I have heroin and then next thing you know it they're just selling you what you need it's it's just supply and demand you know they're like hustling they're right next door to the machine what does the machine need the machine needs coke you got to get a coke and you don't even need to be like their product is so good that you can have a

fucking retard sell it and he can sell out of it like you don't even need talented like especially yeah once coke gets the the coke roll happening and people want more and more and more and you're chasing the dragon with it, that's a dark thing when you watch someone chasing that Coke dragon. It's a different thing than chasing the heroin dragon. The heroin dragon, it seems like the people are actually having fun. Like, heroin's freaky to me because it seems like, like, when you talk to people that have had it and had the experience, it sounds so beautiful. It doesn't seem like it remains at one point in time almost worth some aspect of the loss that you're going to get from the experience. Right, right. Because it's such a mind-blowingly beautiful thing when you do get to trip.

But it eventually erodes. Yeah, I have a buddy who did a lot of heroin in college, and he made it out, and most people are just like, that fucking evil drug, I hate it. When they talk about their drug addictions, he was like, man, heroin was so great. He's like, I can't do it,

because it just fucked me up, but it was so great. It's supposed to be the most beautiful, loving feeling ever, but it's such a trick, because it's horrendous for your fucking body. It's so great. It's supposed to be like the most beautiful, loving feeling ever, but it's such a trick because it's horrendous for your fucking body. It's horrendous. It's really dangerous. You become addicted to it.

Do your teeth fall out if you're on heroin? That's meth. You're probably just not taking care of yourself. It's not like the drug makes your teeth fall out. You just become a fucking cockroach. Meth heads and a lot of coke heads from grinding their teeth and stuff like that god yeah it's fucked up how many drugs there are that can jack you legal or illegal it's just it's amazing how many things that we become physically connected to and you know and it's i don't

understand the fizzy the physical part of it i can completely understand like uh people that are obsessed with things and get gambling addictions and things along those lines. I can understand that kind of addiction, but the physical addiction doesn't, it doesn't, I don't have that, that, that gene, whether it's for alcohol or a cigarette, or I don't have that, but I know people who do, they can't do anything. They can't have a one simple sip of wine. And then next thing you know, they'll be on this nutty downward spiral where they're doing shots and they're out of control and they're saying things they'll never remember. I mean, that's a weird fucking aspect of being a human. It's got to be genetic, partly genetic.

What's the benefit of it? It's weird. Yeah, I don't know. What's the drug that people are taking and then they're like eating people's faces off? Bath salts. That's right. What the fuck is bath salts? Yeah, well, it's funny that the cops are trying to pretend that it was weed.

Like, if that guy was on weed and he did that, he's just an asshole. It doesn't matter what drug he's taking. It's not weed. It's making him eat someone's face. I think it was just he was a crazy person. It could be that, too. Yeah. It doesn't have to just be a drug.

I heard that bath salts aren't detectable because it's not. Exactly. They don't even know what they're detecting. Exactly. They don't have a test for too. Yeah. It doesn't have to just be a drug. I heard that bath salts aren't detectable because it's not. Exactly. They don't even know what they're detecting. They don't have a test. Exactly. They don't have a test for it. Yeah. Because it's all a bunch of different shit.

They apparently change molecules. And Kevin Pereira was explaining it to us. Scientifically, they can take any sort of a molecule and they change it by adding an oxygen molecule. It doesn't necessarily change the effect of the drug. It's still effective, but it becomes a different trip. And in this trip, you know, this is when some people are doing some wacky shit. And you can buy it over the counter at places.

You can buy it, you know, they call it bath salts because it says not for human consumption. So you can just buy it. That's how they get around selling it. Right, right, right. And then people smoke it. Sort of. Sort of. But, you know, salvia is just a plant.

Have you ever smoked salvia? Yes. what's that like i don't know because i don't think i had a really good experience i i've talked to some people like ari who like thinks he might have lived like a whole month in another dimension and then i'll say that again without coughing he he felt like he lived a whole month in another dimension. And then when he came back, his instantaneous, um, like it was like he went in and out here for five minutes. And he remembers most of the,

most of the time in that five minutes as a month long journey that he had with these families and he created friendships. And there's a great sense of loss when the trip was over because he would never see his friends again salvia yeah when did he say that um me and him had a long talk about it really because every time i've seen him do salvo's not that well you don't know maybe he didn't tell you exactly what happened in his fucking freaky little five minute trip yeah i didn't get there at all when i talked to him he was drowning and he couldn't people were looking at him and all this other stuff so you're not conscious at all

it depends how it depends how deep you go into it like when when i when i've done it i've done like the 40 times or the 60 times salvia and what it felt like to me is if you've ever done like a whip it like a balloon where it's like one one one like in the last like whatever three minutes five minutes it was like that but of mushrooms like you're just getting thrown into the most intense mushroom trip or acid trip ever and then it goes away in like five minutes and then you just feel like shit for like an hour or two hours afterwards you just kind of feel like crappy like worn out but you got to take a lot of it and you got to do it's got to be strong and you got to do it the right way it's got to be heated the certain way i didn't crack lighter yeah i didn't get it right i got it to where i was like how to

add a body experience just a really simple out-of-body experience like i was over my right shoulder like hovering looking down at myself and it would come like in waves i look at myself and waves from above that was it it only lasted for like five minutes did you feel like it was longer than five minutes no no no felt pretty quick i didn't feel time i don't think that's why i'm surprised that ari felt said that because you don't really i don't think you ever even think of time you just feel like you're dead yeah i'm pretty sure i'm pretty sure it's ari i mean i don't i can't believe i would fuck up and not think that maybe it was somebody else but i'm pretty sure it was ari he said he had like a whole like month-long friendships.

That doesn't seem like salvia. Well, maybe it is, man. Maybe you just need to take it at the right time. Maybe you're not trying hard enough to make fucking friends on your trip. Yeah, man. Maybe you're not really reaching out while you're tripping. I think it's possible that you get different salvia

that's different potency, and you take it at... See, this is more like salvia. This is when I did it. This is you? Wait, this is actually you? He's actually tripping here. Oh, my salvia.

You look like you're taking a shit. You look like you're shitting out sand and seashells. I thought I was on a water slide or something. And I thought my face melted off. You're good, man. Me? Return for VJ?

How you feeling? Return for VJ. Oh my god, dude. Stop this. This is embarrassing. We played it before a million times. We? You and I?

Yeah. When did we do this? I don't know. I don't think so. I think it was one of your other friends. Maybe it was Ice House Chronicles. I wasn't there. How dare you? No, I mean, you've seen this before. I've showed it to you before. I really don't? I don't know. I don't think so. I think it was one of your other friends. Maybe it was Ice House Chronicles. I wasn't there. How dare you?

No, I mean, you've seen this before. I've showed it to you before. I really don't think I've seen it. Really? That's craziness. Yeah, it is craziness. I've seen Ari's. I saw Ari when he got mad at you.

When he was chipping. It's not good. Legal. There you go. Bam. That shit's legal. It's still legal. How's that legal?

Well, they didn't know. It's not 100% legal anymore. Well, they're slowly starting to sneak it out, but it's not scheduled. It's not like Schedule 1. It's illegal in some places. Yeah, they've started to make it illegal. But they didn't know. There's some other shit that's legal, too.

Some stuff that they don't know about. That's like 5-methoxydimethyltryptamine. That's legal. You used to be able to buy it online. You used to be able to buy it from research chemical companies. Not for human consumption You used to be able to buy it online. You used to be able to buy it from research chemical companies. Not for human consumption. You'd be able to buy it online, and it would just blow your fucking mind. You'd go to another dimension.

Totally legal. That's fucking amazing. Not for human consumption, though. I think if you use it, you're actually in violation of the law. By virtue of the fact that it's chemically related to something that's illegal, it's really close, like a cousin to something that's illegal yeah who like what scientist is sitting there like figuring out what's gonna fuck you up and not asshole scientists asshole scientists created bath salts what a douchebag you know this dude's out there working on the cure for aids the guy's like nope i want

some scarier meth yeah some meth that even meth people would tell you to quit. Bath salts. We're just getting weirder and weirder as a society. Have you heard of Genkom? Yes. That's not real, though. It's not? No, apparently not.

It's like a wives' tale? Yeah, it's apparently horse shit. What is it? A drug that they make with poop. Oh, yeah. That's fake. It's fake. Yeah.

Fuck. I wanted that to be real. I thought it was real, too. I thought it was real, too. I think maybe people have tried it, but I don't think it works. I'm sure it will trip you out. Yeah. It's sick.

Imagine smelling shit. That's your drug of choice. Boy, when you want to talk about like how bad africa must suck that someone is willing to believe that because you know if you were saying in detroit they're smoking their own shit you'd be like no they're not stop making that up they're not sniffing shit water to get high in detroit stop it but in africa you're like well they probably are yeah i mean they're figuring out some way to get fucked up there you immediately assume they were right it seems like okay it's what what else

am i supposed to believe they smoke their shit africa they smoke their shit you ever seen the one uh video on uh african uh fish farming where they have like a pond filled with fish and they run in with baskets they everyone runs in everyone in the town runs in into the uh into the water and and catches the fish with uh with nets and with their hands it's just that stock thousands of people and they run in and they catch every fish in this pond it's a pond. They catch them all with their hands and baskets and shit and they do it all at once. Huh? Who is it? That's Damarera? Powerful Damarera.

Let him come on in. They just run into the... Yeah, it's crazy. They run in. Have you seen that, Brian? The video where the dude's in Africa they run into a pond to fish for it. Pull it up because it's crazy. See if you can find it. What did I say?

African. African pond fishing with their hands village. Jankum. See if you can find it. Jankum butthole. See if you can find that. Yeah, I don't know if you're going to find it. No, that's not it. You know that's not it. That's a little girl. How dare you? I don't know if you're gonna find it lucia no that's not it you know that's not it that's

a little girl how dare you i don't know africans catch fish with their hands yeah uh are you binging it or is this a google search if there's a fucking asteroid attack and and we're all just like back to like basic civilization like africa is going to be like fucking new york because they're the only ones who know how to do anything i know they could still like the people in the congo that like catch fish by hanging from trees have you seen those guys yeah dom herrera lad how are you sir dom herrera justin halperin justin halperin dom herrera nice to meet you dom herrera shows up nice and early for the Super Show, which will be taking place in less than one hour.

Have a seat, Don. Relax. You've got a cocktail. You look comfortable. You got your notebook. The motherfucker never stops writing, ladies and gentlemen. Never stops. He's a pro.

Yeah, any way you want to sit, man. So, Justin, we're going to end this podcast, and we'll start the Ice House Chronicles in a little while after we come back from a break. But, Justin, you have a new book out. It's called I Suck at Girls. Yeah. And tell me, why do you suck at girls?

You seem like a handsome, intelligent guy. I looked at the cover, and I said, this doesn't even make sense. I can understand that you have a crazy dad, and he's very entertaining. Is it just a misprint? Was it supposed to be, you suck girls no yeah that was the original title uh no i mean it mostly takes place in the past uh i mean it's all chronicled it's like non-fiction story my dad's in a lot of them i'm not stupid he's in it um yeah i mean it's just basically like a bunch of stories everybody has about you know your fucking shitty proms and this,

then, you know, uh, losing your virginity. And do you ever worry about running out of dad stories? Uh, it's a resource. It's been very good to you. Oh,

well, if you tap that vein and dry it out, I know I might've tried it out. Like I, I maybe have a few left. I mean, yeah, I don't know. I, I, I figure I'll let them all out there and hopefully i won't need they won't need anymore that's my heroin that's my junkum

well you know as a guy trying to make it as a screenwriter what a fucking awesome break that was for you and the whole thing was just so the the it's so fortunate and so interesting yeah i love when stories like that happen. I love when it shows that there's a lot of like really talented, funny people out there. They just never do anything with it. There's a lot of people out there that are really funny and really talented, but for whatever reason, nothing clicks for them. They can't figure out how to make that connection to it manifesting itself in the real world yeah it's

just they become these really funny people that have jobs working for you know whatever company insurance company or whatever it is and for whatever reason they just never fucking figured their way into the river they never never crawled to the bank yeah just didn't have the balls to jump in yeah bad i mean for me it was just like it was such an a crazy break right it was like lightning in a bottle and then luckily i had sort of been doing i'd been writing for a few years so it was like all right well you know let me get my shot like let me take my let me take my bat you know surf baby ride that board it's beautiful it's an awesome story i'd love hearing stories like that where someone just

is doing something good and just by virtue of the fact that other people are telling other people and it spreads and then everybody hears about it that's how i heard about it i didn't read it in any publication or anything everybody was like dude check this out this guy's hilarious and i would go check it i read a few of them laughed out loud i'll follow this guy it's funny it's funny how it happens man it's beautiful it's a real organic occurrence oh thanks man yeah it's been it's definitely like i it's funny too because like after the tv show got canceled people like oh you must have been so fucking pissed i'm like dude i got a tv show on the air for writing down fucking shit are you stupid like i'm i'm happy about everything okay like nothing you know there's nothing that going to bum me out about that.

That's a great attitude. And that's so important for success in life, to have that kind of attitude and just enjoy it and appreciate it. Work hard, enjoy it, and appreciate it. So many people, and then something happens, and then it goes away from them. They can never appreciate that they ever even did it. It's just neurosis trying to get to the next level

or stay on that level or get the next thing so you don't feel like you're drowning. Show business is a very weird world, man. It's very weird. Yeah. It's so funny, too, because since then I've worked on a couple other shows, been on writing staffs at other shows and stuff. And that's how it is. Every writer I work on the show with, he's like, fuck, this is going to get canceled. What the fuck am I going to do next year gonna do next year this is i hate this job i'm like dude like two years ago

i was waiting tables like that's kind of a shitty job like we're sitting around making dick jokes for 12 hours a day for a tv show you're a writer on a television show. There's not that many more prestigious positions in Hollywood besides actor and producer. A writer, a creator, the creative force behind a TV show, that's fucking huge. There's not a lot of people that get to do that. That's a massive, huge deal.

Fuck, I can't believe this shit. It's gonna get cancelled, this fucking piece of shit. It's hard for people to appreciate shit it really is yeah a lot of negative cunts out here and plus in in hollywood it's also seems like unlike you where you just rode this you know this opportunity and you capitalize on and made the most of it some people just get failure after failure after failure after failure after minimum success minimum and by the time they have a little bit of success,

they're so conditioned to failure. They're so worn down by it. Their spirit is broken. Yeah. Uh-oh, they brought in cheeseburgers. Who ordered food? I did. You fucking savage.

Look at you. You don't play games. Fuck a cow. A cow can suck it. And he got wings, too. Brian's like, your diet can suck my dick. That's what he just said.

All right, let's wrap this thing up so Brian can have his food. So if people want to follow you, the actual you, it's Justin underscore Halpern at Twitter. Yep.

So the other one, shitmydadsays, it's still shitmydadsays, right? Yeah, it's just shitmydadsays. And is there anything else? Is there a website that they should go to? No, if they want to check out an excerpt of the book, it's just isuckatgirlsbook.com. Just go buy the book.

Yeah. And it's on Audible also. Well, I play games. Yeah, we already fucked that up. If I was going to do the Audible ad, I would have done it at the beginning. Next week, we have four podcasts, so. We'll get that audible ad in there. Your site is? Your website is? Do you not have a website?

I don't. Twitter, we got that covered. You got a Facebook page? I don't. Brian says you don't need it. Is it over, Brian? I think you're better off nowadays with a Tumblr. For glitter tags?

That's why? Just for that alone? For animated gifs of dragons alone? Tumblr's just better than Facebook The wings of dragons that carry you I don't use any of them anymore Except Twitter Listen you dirty bitches

This fucking show's over We're gonna take a little break We'll be back with the Ice House Chronicles If you wanna listen to it If you wanna listen live and watch live It'll be on Ustream On this channel Ustream. on Ustream on this channel, ustream.tv

forward slash Joe Rogan. And if you want to get it in audio form, it is only available under Death Squad on iTunes. And Death Squad is a whole podcast network that Brian runs.

That's his shit on the side. And it's also our gay little nickname for us. And Dom Marrera's in the Death Squad too, right, Dom? You've been writing that down on text. He writes down on text, Death Squad, at the end. So when you got Dom Herrera representing Death Squad, you're doing all right, bitches. If you're around tonight, we got a show in about an hour.

And it'll be Dom Herrera, Dov Davidoff, Ari Shafir. Doug Benson. Doug Benson. Jason Tebow. Jason Tebow, Brian Redband, and moi. So we'll see you fucking dirty freaks very soon. Thanks for everything. Thanks for all the positive tweets and all the, you know, whatever it is that you guys do,

tuning into this show and saying that you enjoy it is the best motivation we could ever possibly have to do it. It's a very unusual circumstance we sort of stumbled into, and we sort of just wound up in this situation when we're doing this podcast. It's not planned out at all, but now that it's become a part of so many people's lives, I definitely feel obligated, and we're not going anywhere. So we want to thank you guys.

Thanks to Onnit.com for sponsoring us. Go to O-N-N-I-T. Use the code name Rogan and save yourself 10% off any of the supplements. It doesn't work with all the other shit. Look at you over there. While I'm talking about supplements, you're eating fries. Shoving them dirty. Fries are so delicious.

Wouldn't it be awesome if fries were good for you? That's what we need to get our Onnit scientists on. No, they wouldn't be the same because if fries were good for you, they wouldn't feel as good Don't, put them away I don't want it Put it away, I got a show in an hour Listen, ladies and gentlemen The show's over

Go get yourself some kettlebells and get your freak on Justin Halpert, you're the fucking man Thank you, sir, thank you for coming If you ever need anything, you need us to promote anything Oh, go buy his book, his book, I Suck It Girls. Thank you, sir. Thank you for coming. Thanks for having me. If you ever need anything, you need us to promote anything, oh, go buy his book. His book, I Suck at Girls, available now. Go get it on Amazon. You can get it on a Kindle.

Put it on your Kindle. Or go, should we buy a hard form? Doesn't matter. You get more money with a hard form? I get paid the same. That's, gets paid the same. So go digital, you dirty bitches. Save a tree.

All right, we'll see you guys soon. Thank you. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.