The Joe Rogan Experience - #248 - Tom Rhodes

Episode Date: August 2, 2012

Joe sits down with Tom Rhodes.

International Man of Mystery. Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out. The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day. Powerful Tom Rhodes, ladies and gentlemen. My man. And I don't work out too much. You don't have to.

That's just a sales pitch. I'm just trying to get people to buy rocks. I'm sending cannonballs through the mail, son. It's a sales pitch. I'm just trying to get people to buy rocks. I'm sending cannonballs through the mail, son. It's a sales pitch. That's awesome. But it does work. I mean, if you're down with working out, man. Those pills sound great.

That's my kind of workout. I'll get you some of that. Just wash it down. Yeah. It will help. It would help a little bit more, Tommy, if we get you into some yoga classes. I was hesitant to say that a few years ago, I was really into Bikram yoga. It's awesome.

It's a hot one, and I just love it. Yeah. And I'm not even good at it, but I was very svelte when I was doing it. And I'll do it periodically now. It's good to do when you're traveling. But when I was living in Los Angeles, I would go to this headquarters, and there was this little gay Indian instructor. And I hated this guy. He was constantly in Los Angeles, I would go to this headquarters and there was this little gay Indian instructor and I hated this guy.

He was constantly yelling at me, Tom, you're doing it's wrong. You're doing it's wrong. And I'm like, just holding the position. I'm like, God, why is this guy on my ass? You know? And, uh, one time I, uh, uh, he was, cause most yoga instructors are cream puffs. They don't yell at you. This guy would yell at people and he, and And somebody would lie down and he'd go, get up, get up.

This is not Silver Lake. Like apparently, they're real cream puffs in Silver Lake. But one time this guy was in this LA one, the headquarters, I guess actors or whatever, some guys go in there

in their underwear. What? And there was a guy in there and he had these Calvin Klein striped underwear. Oh, come on. Really? And he's like, yeah it. He had these Calvin Klein striped underwear. Oh, come on. Really? Yeah, he was like a couple people down for me. And the little gay Indian instructor goes, I just want to say, you men

who want to come in here with your underwear, what is that? You in the striped Calvin Klein's, do you think we want to see that? I'm gay and I don't want to see that. It was really awesome. Well, that sounds awesome, but the other part of them sounds like the opposite of what a yoga guy is want to see that. Whoa. It was really awesome. Well, that sounds awesome, but the other part of him sounds like the opposite

of what a yoga guy is supposed to be like. You know, this is not Silver Lake. Like, what the fuck are you talking about? But one time he comes over to me, and he shows me how to do some position, and then he goes, what's your name? And I go, Tom. And I go, so does that mean I'm not the Tom

you're always yelling at? Apparently there was another guy in the class named Tom who apparently really sucked. Oh, so he was yelling at him. I thought he was yelling at me for like three months. Oh, that's hilarious. And it turns out it was somebody else. So you would just keep your eyes straight ahead.

Just locked in the position, just holding that shit, trying to do it perfect. Yoga is very humbling. Because even if you think you're a badass, you're like, Oh, a fucking good bench press 215. You know, you're one of those guys. It's fucking hard to just stand there. It's hard to stand there in certain positions. Yeah.

There's like a lot of those like really deep poses where you're like, you can't believe how difficult it is to maintain. What I love about it is, you know, you see old people that look fantastic in these yoga classes. you see old people that look fantastic in these yoga classes well it lets you use your body in like a real flexible way like your body gets opened up

like they're doing these crazy things that are constantly stretching the tissue and pulling the tissue so everything has this right everything has a purpose like a lot of people have back problems when they get older. Just the fact that you're bending your spine like that,

and then like certain, you know, neck moves, you're massaging your lymph nodes where people get cancer, I say as I reach for a cigarette. Oh, how dare you. Yeah, I think people carry a lot of tension in their muscle tissue. And, you know, if you just stretched, even if you don't want to take a yoga class, it sucks to just sit there and stretch.

But I'm telling you, if you did it just a little bit every day, you'd feel more relaxed. It feels like you alleviate some tension. Like your body's just got this fucking spring thing going on where everything's pulled in. And if you could just... It literally physically makes you feel like you've alleviated some stress just by pulling that muscle tissue apart. A lot of times we, you know, there's a lot of people, especially when you see people in traffic and road raging and freaking out for, you know, objectively nothing.

Right, that's always it. Like you'll be coming home from a yoga class and like you'll see you're driving and you're all mellow and there's people freaking out you're like it doesn't even make sense yeah it's a well what is that well it's because this guy's got all this shit stored up inside of them so anything is making them pop anything's making it pop it's just failure after failure after fucking life shits on them here and there and this fucking bitch how could she say that and fucking get out of my fucking lane you know you meet the guy he's already on nine before you even hit your blinker you know yeah that's all it takes you know you hit your blank you fucking cunt you can't stay

in your lane exactly you know and la is filled with those people they just are just so quick to blow the horn there's a space i'm not even cutting you off, you crazy bitch. I don't think I'll ever be on the cover of Yoga Magazine. And I saw you're on the cover of Fighter Magazine. Yeah, Fighter Magazine. I loved it. I read that piece.

It was great. Yeah, they're really nice guys. You're like such a badass. I'm just a comedian that likes different things. That's it. I'm not a real badass. I'm only a badass if you don't know

how to fight at all if you don't know how to fight at all fuck you up but if you're good you'd probably kick my ass so it's not really a badass when you work for the ufc you're constantly around like the the elite of the elite fighters the world you want to talk about like alpha experience wow well just you know assassins like anderson silva when you're around anderson silva okay anderson silva is a very nice guy very friendly guy always happy very nice people but make no mistake about it that motherfucker is a stone cold killer he's a killer he's the greatest fighter that's ever walked the face of the earth when you're around that guy that's some humbling shit man you know you just know that that guy could light you up and there's not much you can do about it

there's not much you can do about it i hope it ends quick i've always loved boxing and you know it's amazing like you see like lightweights and stuff you see these little guys like if you you saw him on the street with like clothes on clothes on, you'd probably think, oh, I could kick that guy's ass. Yeah, sure. But, like, they're, like, the most vicious. Right. Like a guy like Uriah Faber. Yeah. Uriah Faber's not, you know, he's a short guy. But he's a fucking beast, man.

You know, any normal dude, 250-pound dude that fucked with Uriah Faber, he'll get a hold of your neck, man. I don't care if he fights at 145 or 135. If he gets a hold of your neck. It's night-night. That's a crazy quality to have, to be just like a human bulldog. I know a lot of those dudes. That's a very humbling thing. It's fascinating, too, because you're watching the best that have ever been, really. It's like you're getting a chance to – when I show up at work and watch the UFC fights, I'm getting a chance not just to

watch like the best of today, unquestionably the best martial artists that have ever existed. Like these are the best of the best ever. This is like an epic like peak of activity where like the the technique and the like the the the ability and the overall game of these fighters, it's so much better than it's ever been before. It's insane how much it's evolved and grown just in the past 10 years. Well, it's amazing the effect it has on the United States. You see bars that are just packed to the gills.

You can't get in when the UFC's on. People think it's some Rome shit. It is totally Rome shit. But you know what? The people were very entertained in Rome. They never complained about the entertainment. The viaducts might have been leaky. It's funny that it's the oldest.

Caligula will poke you in the ass, but hey, what a show. Look, I will unapologetically defend mixed martial arts to the end because I love it. It's fun to watch. And for me, you know, if we are evolving, it's not happening within my lifetime, and I'm going to enjoy what I enjoy. Sorry. You know, people like doing it.

They like doing it, and people like watching it, and that's all that matters to me. I know a lot of those people, they're very nice people, but they have a calling, and their calling is to see how many people they can beat the fuck out of. And it's a crazy—they're essentially playing a crazy game. I mean, throughout human history, you know, men fighting each other and showing who's the dominant fighter is timeless entertainment. That's why it's so weird that it's the oldest sport, really, that's ever existed. I think boxing was like one of the first Olympic sports.

Yeah. But fighting in general, combat sports, the idea of trying to take on another person physically. The only reason why, I mean, it is the oldest form of competition between males, for sure. And now it's the biggest and newest sport now in the current generation that doesn't even make any sense it doesn't make any sense that it like didn't exist all along this time that it was only in limited forms like they like dribbled it out with boxing there's a little kickboxing over here they never nobody ever put everything together right the thai boxing i was in thailand years ago uh you know it's interesting's interesting that Thailand was never colonized.

All those other, you know, Vietnam, the French, and all these different Asian countries have been colonized, but Thailand never was. And I always thought it was because the colonial white dudes came over there and saw Thai boxing, like, fuck, I don't want a knee in the stomach. Well, they have a weird way about them, don't they? Yeah, they do the uh that that snake charmer dance at the beginning yeah if you ever been to bangkok man you go to the fights it's so

great and it's they play that snake charmer music and they kind of they're up on one foot and they're moving like a a snake like a cobra it's a wild dance and uh acknowledge each other before they start swinging it's well they they not they don't just do that. They also agree to start out slowly. They start out slowly in the first round. They don't attack like American fighters, like the bell rings, they charge out. It's a tradition amongst the Thai fighters to start slowly so that the bets can get in. Oh, wow. So the first round.

Today's knowledge nugget. The first round is like a lot of this. Whack! Because the bets are still. Because they've got a real lazy bookkeeper in the window. They don't really go for it. Well, you know, there's a lot of bets. Like, meh, meh, meh.

It's not like it started and you know more bets. Well, I think the line changes. You know, bets are still coming in. They want to make sure that all the bets are in. So they get, I'm sure, they get instructed to fight at a very methodic pace for the first round. The first round, you don't open up too much. Then the second round, the bets are in. Then it's time to go to war.

So most Thai fighters, they would have a disadvantage when they would fight in, like, K-1 because they weren't used to coming out of the gate guns blazing. They were used to letting this first round be sort of a betting round. And if they're drenched in blood, they keep the fight going in Thailand. In Thailand they do? You know, there was a movie made, I think, about five years ago, and it's a true story. This guy, Thai fighter, he used his winning prize money to have a sex chat.

Yes. And it was a little at a time. So, like, you know, he's half a woman woman he's got the boobs on and he's still beating everybody's ass well apparently when he got his testicles removed that's when it was night night that guy really beat my ass

I'm kind of attracted to him he started losing once he became a full on woman once he got his nads cut. Yeah, once, yeah, so it's, you know. Hey, Joe, question about your Fighters magazine cover. One, you look like CGI here for some reason. But one, what's up, is this your head, like,

photoshopped on somebody else's body, or did you actually pose with the microphone like that? Because isn't that weird? It looks like they just kind of pasted your head on somebody else's body. This is, you know, it looks like some Lee Harvey Oswald type looks like some lee harvey oswald yeah no no that's just the shadow that was uh i was in the octagon oh that's cool and they just put a camera right in front of my face they said i stand there like this it looks like i'm kind of mean mugging yeah and you look cgi for some i did a bunch of different ones i mean a bunch of me smiling but that's the one

they picked they picked picked almost like... Who wants a guy smiling on the cover of Fighters magazine? Silly. I like the pictures on the inside. Is that your pad, the house? Yeah, yeah. I have a gym.

Thanks for never inviting me over. Hey, you want to come over? Come on, Tom Ross. We're friends. I don't like swimming. I don't like hot dogs. You know how much I love hot dogs. This is a picture of your gym inside that you have.

That great shot. Yeah, I got a gym that's like set up like it's like a cage and zebra mats. That's a great shot. That's a wow. So it's like this. It's like a full MMA gym. That's your old stripper moves there, isn't it? I'm trying to get sexy right there.

You'd be a great stripper, I just realized. I'd be okay, but I'm lazy. Like Magic Mike style? I wouldn't really hustle. I would be like, do you want to dance? Or whatever. You're in good shape. And you kind of shattered that thing. I always thought guys with muscles weren't funny, like comedians.

Guys who were really buff. But you're funny, and you talk about political things. And whatever preconceived notion I had about muscle guys. Yeah, you and Carrot Top knocked it out of the park. You know, man, me and CT, we was all about breaking boundaries. We was all about setting precedents. We was all about milestones. You know what I'm saying?

Watermarks, high watermark. Me and CT, we go way back. I love Carrot Top. He's old friend of mine. Pre-prop days. He's from Florida. Hello. And I saw him in Vegas like two weeks ago.

He's not as buff as he was. He kind of. Yeah. I mean, he's like in really good shape. But he's not that bulging like he was. He got a little crazy and then he brought it down really good guy yeah yeah awesome i've heard that from everybody whatever makes people laugh you know is a good thing uh i hate i hate snobby comedians you know

i mean i do as well motherfuckers got problems in this world and uh my father um who's passed now, years ago I got tickets for us to see the Rolling Stones at the MGM in Vegas. I don't know, it was like 10, 15 years ago. And something screwed up with the tickets at Will Call. And we're like, oh my God. And we came all the way to Vegas with my dad. We went and saw Carrot Top. And my dad's the reason I'm a comedian. He had comedy albums.

He took me to my first comedy show. Now that my dad has passed, that's one of my favorite memories is thinking about sitting with him. My dad's drinking his little rusty nail cocktails and thinking about him laughing at Carrot Top shit. That's awesome.

That's beautiful. You know who's super buff nowadays? Dave Chappelle. I saw him the other day at the comedy store That's awesome. It's great. That's beautiful. You know who's super buff nowadays is Dave Chappelle. Yeah, yeah. I saw him the other day at the Comedy Store, and it's just scary how strong that guy is. I heard he was doing MMA, but I never heard online there's a gym where someone was training with Dave Chappelle. I never heard any of that. Yeah.

Yeah, I think that's awesome. Dave was always really skinny. I guess he got tired of that shit. Yeah. Well, I want to be able to fuck people up why not yeah the idea that you know you you have to be fat or you have to be skinny or you have to be muscular you have you either think funny or you don't think funny if you either you know put invest time into it and treat it like it's an art form you don't it doesn't matter if

you have any muscles that's silly how many hours a day do you spend like form, you don't. It doesn't matter if you have any muscles. That's silly. How many hours a day do you spend writing comedy? You don't have 40 minutes to go work out. Right. You don't have an hour here or there. Right, and that old model of the alcoholic comedian who didn't take care of himself of the 80s.

Those people have all died. Yeah, and they didn't look like they were having a good time at the end. That alcoholic life is a tough, tough life. Dom Herrera, a good friend of mine, recently quit for like 17, 18 days. He hasn't had a drink. And he was just talking on the podcast yesterday. We did the Ice House Chronicles, and he was just talking about how great he feels

and it's amazing to wake up and not have a hangover right right he was planning for hangovers he would like schedule flights like I don't want to get up then I'll be right over like he we knew he was gonna feel like shit and he said it just this 1670 days he doesn't feel sharper I took a break from drinking for the month of March and it was remarkable how sharp I was on stage and how clear-minded you know without having a beer or two. Yeah, well, the body is a fucking machine, man. And when you throw some shit in it that it has to deal with, you know.

But, you know, you get older and your body changes. You know what I mean? Everybody can remember when you're younger and you could just get plastered at a party and then wake up the next day and help a friend move and then play softball in the afternoon. I have a theory about that and i think that when you're younger you're less aware of your body you're less aware of the consequences of being exhausted you're less aware of what you've done when you you poison yourself and you fucking wake up hungover when you get older you know what you did and so when you get older you really accept it and think about it and dwell on it well i could barely leave the bed nowadays i never used to have that a problem where you like get up and

you're just like holy shit i i just need to go back to bed and call this day off because it's been i never had that when i was 21 you know you gotta get in shape kid you have to i know i mean it sounds it sounds ridiculous i just need to not drink that hard you got it but it's getting in shape as well you got to have a body that's resilient. You want your body to have at least some day-to-day effort. You want it to be fighting things off, pushing things, pulling things, doing something where your body feels the need to be vital, to have vitality. And that's like your body, you have to think of your whole thing as one unit and if

you look at it as one unit if one part of it is like detracting resources because it's all fucking falling apart and fucked up and shit and it's all kinked and twisted and it's not used correctly it's never been stretched out that's going to give you problems it's going to cause you resources like you your thoughts won't be as clear. Your ideas won't be as concise. Because you're going to be dealing with this fucked up body. I always think, like, I meet brilliant people that have fucked up bodies. And I'm like, imagine how brilliant this motherfucker would be if he just took care of his health as well.

Right. Well, you know, I would never purchase such a thing. But a friend of mine's mother got divorced uh years ago and he had like he had some boxes of her shit and on the top of it was uh one of those anthony robbins courses yeah i forget which one it was um you know seize whatever seize the opportunity yeah you know create a franchise um but it would be your own universe you know i i listened to these uh these like eight discs these cds it was the chorus and it's the his whole thing is you should start your day exercising even if you're a fat fuck just get up and walk a half hour uh whatever you should always

start your day exercising because when you exercise you like kind of omit this energy and people want to do business with you because you appear healthy. And, you know, even if it's just the absolute bare minimum. And that was like his whole thing that he kept going back to throughout this business course. Wait, you can force your body to perform better? And then your day is already a victory. Yes. You've already won because you worked out. You didn't want to. You walked for a half hour. Your day is a victory. And Yes. You've already won because you worked out.

You didn't want to. You walked for a half hour. Your day is a victory. And how much of life is momentum? It's about getting your shit together for a little while where you feel like things are going great. And then it feels like things are going to continue along those lines. It's about getting the ball rolling, right? It's about just a little bit of victory, a little bit of moving forward. And it feels like once things get going in that direction,

you can kind of make them go in that direction. Take control, bitches. Take control of your own destiny. I'm going to start a yoga class. I'm not very good at it. I feel like watching Vision Quest. The problem with yoga is if you're married like I am, there's too many hot bitches sticking their asses up in the air with yoga pants on.

And that's just too. Veronica is taking yoga training classes in San Diego. That's what I'm talking about. See, penthouse pet. That's not what you need. That's not what you need bending over in front of you in a hot box. In a hot box where everybody's dripping. Everybody's all sweat.

It's like a fucking George Michaels video. It's better than running on a treadmill watching television. Fuck yeah, it is. But she said that there was like, she skipped a class. She like went and like escaped one of the classes because they all started

talking about like spirits. Oh, Jesus. And she ate a brownie before she did it thinking it was just going to be yoga training. And so then she said that the woman sat there

for an hour and talked about like spirits and like all this other crazy. I forget the kind of yoga it is or the prop. Well, you know, McKenna always said that he believed that yoga was a method for using cannabis, that it was a method for exploring cannabis and that it was supposed to be. exploring cannabis and that it was supposed to be co it's supposed to coincide with the use of marijuana either smoking hash or eating hash and that that's what these crazy poses were all about it's all about achieving these like enlightened states of consciousness why why the extreme influence of edible cannabis yeah she tripped out and so well if you ever done yoga high have you

ever done yoga high uh no i haven't yoga high? No, I haven't. It's amazing. You might as well be astral traveling. It'll be like a psychedelic experience. Go to a hot yoga class, get super duper baked, and go to a hot yoga class. Holy shit. Oh, my God. You'll have a fucking psychedelic experience.

Yeah, her idea is to start teaching yoga with her hot penthouse friends. Oh, Jesus. That's going to turn into a whorehouse. It'll take one hour after they open before the first guy comes in with a stack of cash. And then it's on. Yoga. Fuck out of here.

What are you doing? What are you doing in those shorts, you crazy bitch? Naked yoga. Did they do that? These girls would do it. those shorts, you crazy bitch. Naked yoga. Do they do that? Well, these girls would do it. Wow, naked yoga classes. Jesus Christ. It's going to be a fucking orgy.

They got like yoga vacations. Who's going to pay for the kids? You can go to India and do it like among temples and shit. Yeah, and deal with annoying people. Step over like dying children. I would totally be willing to do that, except I know too many fucking yoga people. And too many yoga people, they're trying to reverse what they used to be.

And they struggle, and they don't quite get it right, and they claim to be all beads and roses. But if you get involved in a business deal with those cunts, they will try to fuck you. Really? Yoga people? Yeah. I have a very recent situation with a person. You're stating that yoga people are unethical business people.

I think that a lot of yoga people are legit. A lot of yoga people are legit. No question about it. I've met some really fascinating people that were addicted to yoga and how it changed their personality and offered them a new perspective.

I think yoga is very psychedelic in that way. But I also know a lot of creepy, fake, philosophical motherfuckers that do yoga. Well, I mean, you got the California factor, too. I mean, you know, there's a cute little Bikram yoga in Orlando that I go to. And it's run by lesbians. It's really cheerful. And they used to be in a small place.

Now they're in a bigger place. And I'm proud of them. Well, listen, I love yoga. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with yoga. It is a little cultish, though. It gets a little cult-like. It gets a little yoga-like. Well, my family, when I told them I was doing yoga,

they thought I had joined a cult. There's a lot of people that think that's such an alien idea. I know. Oh, my God. They must be, like, living in a commune. And when I say it's cult, i'm joking totally but the idea of you know this like aspired mindset you know this yoga mindset namaste you know this you know what i mean this like sort of like you're you're you've adopted this sort of yoga thing there's this and that's what I know. You're struggling to get your shit together, dude.

Okay? And I love that this is what you're aspiring to, but you're not totally there yet. You're still kind of creepy. You're still kind of full of shit. And there's a lot more of those guys. There's a lot more of those, like, fake. There was a dude he used to teach yoga class.

I used to go to. This guy was from South Africa. And a really friendly, like clean guy, open guy. It was totally legit. And he would say things that wouldn't even be remotely corny, say things that were, you know, just a different, unique way to look at your day, different, unique way to look at people that you came in contact with. The guy was 100% legit, always very even and friendly and very kind to people.

And ready for this? He operated his class on donations. You didn't even have to pay. You could go and take his class for free. And it's in fucking Calabasas, okay? This is a really super expensive place. And I would watch these rich housewives go in and not even put money in.

Wow. They would just go in. Because it was free, they would just do it. Oh, I didn't have any cash. I mean. Wow. They would just go in because it was free. They would just do it. Oh, I didn't have any cash. I mean, whatever,

you know, I mean, whatever the fuck their rationale was, but you know, a lot of people paid them because it was, it was so good. It was so legit. So there are guys like that,

but there was another dude that I, that I knew that was teaching yoga. That was banging this guy's wife. It was taking classes there and he was just constantly like making the moves on different dudes, wives. He constantly like, and they was just constantly like making the moves on different dudes wives and constantly like and they eventually kicked him out of the community but i mean there's those guys there's those fake bead wearing assholes with the fucking lotus flower tattoo i noticed you were looking for an afternoon hobby yeah they're like like predators on dudes wives and shit well

it's funny it's like when you see a guy acting like a dick in a Bob Marley T-shirt. You're like, you've missed something here, sir. All of it. You've missed all of it. You've missed something about the program. Well, unfortunately, man, for these people that we see out there that are retarded in this world, they were raised by retarded people. I don't think they were raised by really compassionate, interested parents who really put a lot of work

into raising them and giving them values. They were set loose like wild animals. So it's like an aberration. It's a fuck-up. It's a glitch. You almost can't even make them responsible for it. They're so stupid. That's the big majority of the population

were raised by retarded people. Idiocracy? You think we're heading to water in the fields with electrolytes? I think there's always going to be a certain... When we ignore the social aspects of social planning and the social aspects of the fact that you have to deal with all these poor people, these poor people live amongst you, and just because we've managed to isolate them in the areas where it's not expensive to live,

this is ridiculous that you would allow such disparity. There's obviously something wrong with the system. If there's people like that, it is an education thing. It is a discipline thing. It is a tradition thing. I mean, if you have a tradition of failure in your world and you're surrounded by failure, it almost breeds failure. And I think as a social engineering plan,

the government, if they were going to do anything right, would look at that and figure out, before we fuck with other countries, we have to figure out this little thing right here. We've got to figure out how to stop this cycle. I don't know. The dumber you are, the better you serve capitalism. So, you know, there's a lot of low-level jobs that need to be filled.

I think that's horseshit, because I think that's horseshit because I think that's pussy capitalism. I think that's like fake competition. I think if it was all done with honor and it was all done under, forgive myself for repeating myself because I say this all the time, but we should have like a real simple ethic. You know, don't be a fucking asshole. Don't be a cunt. Really simple. Make money, but don't be a cunt.

As long as you can get people to follow that. That was Jesus' whole message. It should be. Don't be a dick. That's all of Jesus' teachings condensed into one. But yeah, I don't know why the American government can't figure out that better educated people who have healthcare would be better

workers, better inventors, that we would be better competitors in the global market if we gave a hand up to some of these poor people. Yeah, you're right. The problem is everybody's short term. It's like everybody's thinking about themselves and profiting in the short term and the investors that got them in the office.

They want to profit quickly, quickly, quickly. Nobody wants to build up and spend a lot of money to build up parts of the country. Who's it going to benefit? Poor people who don't even contribute to the campaign? We don't think of them as a resource. It's just fascinating because we're trying to find new places to drill into the ground to get oil. But we totally ignore the most important resource for changing the world that the universe has ever seen, the human brain. We have millions of ignored potential geniuses,

potential world changers, potential unique minds, a million of them cast loose in the jungle of despair that is poor communities. I mean, if you wanted to look at a resource, there's no fucking greater resource than people at the bottom of the food chain and culture. That's the greatest resource ever. Human beings. Like, if we wanted to make the world better, it seems like you would have to fix the base.

You'd have to fix the bottom. What's the broken part? You gotta fix that shit you know and people's like whoa fucking pull yourself up by your bootstraps you gotta learn how to do that you know you can't just leave a baby in the woods i love the all the rich white people complaining about the occupy movement it's like why can't you just get a job and oh my god do the american dream it's always the anybody can do whatever they want did you see Giuliani say that Giuliani did some speech where he said you know how about you occupy a job like how about you go to open

mic night you hack you know he was fucking high-fiving his staffers when yeah they came up with that one yeah they were fucking psyched he nailed it he nailed it he hit the line they're on their phones he hit the line it was're on their phones. He hit the line. It was brilliant. Perfect timing. The audience went nuts. I just love that white people were surprised that there's some unhappy people in this country. Ian Edwards has a fucking great bit about it, and I don't want to paraphrase, but about how more people, everybody's been robbed by white dudes in suits. Everybody.

People are afraid of black people, but everybody's been robbed by white dudes in suits, including black... It's really fucking funny, but so goddamn true. Like, how could they be surprised that anybody would be mad that, like... What's bailout?

What's going on? Trillions of what the fuck happened? And where did it go? Where did it... It doesn't even make any sense. You look at the numbers that they talk about, like, you know,

13 trillion what what are where is that coming from you're just making this up like this isn't even a real thing he's passing around some some new number like what the fuck are you doing like where's this even coming from it doesn't even make sense 13 trillion dollars what that that doesn't even make sense to me i can't i can't wrap my head around more than and then a hundred thousand dollars or something like that anything more than a hundred thousand dollars i'm like what is going on out there i can't see that far it doesn't even make any sense it just doesn't seem real 13 trillion it's like stop it that's not even a real number that can't

be real we and where did it go what the fuck is going on you did what with it it doesn't make any sense it seems like there's no way that should ever be able to happen the system should be it should never be that money can just disappear it should never be that like the fuck well sorry the shit it's not worth anything anymore it's all gonna tumble down now and the houses are gonna stop appreciating and like, what? What kind of wacky fucking system are we running? Are we running a confidence game? We believed in the value of things that weren't worth it.

That's where it gets really crazy when people are buying houses and then they were like, there was like a little crappy, you know, drywall stucco places going for like $500,000, $700,000 and they're worth like $150,000 at best. Especially in LA, man. I've had friends that bought like000, and they're worth like 150 at best. Especially in L.A., man.

I've had friends that bought like in L.A. and they're like, you're out of your mind, man. Like you're like in the belly of the beast. You're going to get the shittiest price for buying something? Like why would you want to live like that, stuffed in there like that? L.A.'s the weirdest kind of city too because it's really spread out it never built up because the whole earthquake thing everybody was like listen let's just fucking you know two stories is good if one of these things comes tumbling down you see those um those high rises in like downtown la they just stand out

like a giant zit i'll tell you what's weird about la is the downtown there's some really magnificent old buildings down there like this was it had was a real uh vibrant actual downtown yeah at one point in time and now it looks like omega man it's just like you know people zombies and uh um you know homeless crazy crazy people people don't even realize how bad it is. We've talked about it so many times on this show. You really almost have to go there to see it. Right, but I don't understand. I mean, especially all these great buildings. Why people don't just like move

back downtown? Well, they are. No, there is a movement. Yeah, I know. There's some lofts down there. A lot of people are moving downtown. Well, there's a lot of new shit that's opening up downtown. There's a really cool nightlife too. There's a lot of new shit that's opening up downtown there's a really cool night nightlife too like like there's a lot of good bars and a lot of good restaurants and it's i've been hanging out more downtown lately and it's really cool but it is still just too mixed up there's not there's not a good border of hey don't walk down this street because

you'll die and this street's cool to walk down. Right. Like I went the wrong direction out of, there's a comedy club that I did a spot at and I went the wrong direction back to my car and it was like the scariest fucking street in the whole entire world. And like halfway down the street, I'm like,

Oh, this is the wrong street. And then when I turn around, there's like all these people like behind me walk. And I'm like, Oh shit, what the fuck is this it's straight out of

Boys in the Hood you gotta be ready to hit that accelerator son you gotta be ready to let people fly over your hood I stayed in a hotel down there a few weeks ago

there was a real cool punk rock bar on was it Linwood something like that you know what I'm talking about no

I don't know punk rock bar something wood we did a lot of Fear Factor shit down there in downtown LA. Because there's lots of space. Lots of space. You can turn a water cannon on the homeless people in the streets of yours.

There's a lot of old buildings that they, you know, there's a lot of like. Like tying zip lines through and stuff. Well, it's weird. Like you go to these old buildings in downtown LA and you'll go to like the first two floors it'll be like an American Apparel Factory and they'll be like working making jeans and shit you walk in it's real weird and then you keep walking through there and then above that it's completely abandoned right just dust all over concrete floors broken windows it's really bizarre it's like you'll have a 10-story building,

but you only have two stories that are occupied. And then we would put up some fucking contraption on the roof and sling people off the side and shit. I mean, that was with the show. We did that a lot in downtown LA. Now that Fear Factor is no longer on the air, I feel really bad for the maggot industry. Whoever was cultivating all the bugs and maggots for that show.

I really don't think that's much of a business. That industry has collapsed. It was a guy just like breeding maggots. Waiting for our order. Really weren't going to get much out of us. Yeah, he bought a new house. Right, I was banking on that show. That's hilarious.

The maggot industry. That's hilarious The maggot industry Downtown LA is also Where they shot Robert F. Kennedy And I think they're No they shot him At the Ambassador

Which is on Wilshire Because That's not downtown? Well it's kinda It's Koreatown Because I I lived in the Gaylord Across the street

Years ago I remember I hung out with you once Oh that's right You came to my house That's right Yeah yeah yeah Smoked a little of the marijuana We've hung out with you once. Oh, that's right. You came to my house. That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Smoked a little of the marijuana.

We've hung out in some really interesting circumstances throughout the years. Yeah, well... Remember when I had the Mr. Roadshow, you were on news radio? And it was like such a juggernaut and had all this pressure on me. I remember they had the new show announcing.

That was a Comedy Central show? NBC. NBC. Oh, wait a minute. Which show are you talking about? When I had a sitcom. Oh, that's right, dude. That's when you had the long hair, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You had a Comedy Central show as well? I did a lot of stuff for Comedy Central. I did Viva Vietnam, and they let me film all kinds of stuff. I thought I think you had a Comedy Central show as well. No. Oh, no. You know what I'm confusing it with? Your Dutch show, your Amsterdam show. That was the show where it was you were the host of it, but it was another name?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was the Kevin Masters show. The Kevin Masters show. Or Late Night with Kevin Masters. But there was the Kevin Masters show. The Kevin Masters show. Or Late Night with Kevin Masters. But there was no Kevin Masters. No, the Dutch people that bought that show, the network, they had bought a concept. They were going to do an American-style late night talk show, a la David Letterman, Johnny Carson. And they named the guy before they found the guy. And we're going to call him Kevin Masters.

They thought that was like the flashiest American name, showbiz sounding name, Kevin Masters. And, you know, I begged him not to do it. I said, please, I think, you know, I think Tom Rhodes is pretty catchy. I really like my name. I've spent my life, you know, trying to establish my name. And they go, well, you know, no we that's the way it is it's going to be and you know i you know the first year every newspaper magazine interview that i did they would say who's kevin masters why is it kevin masters and i would say i don't know they named the guy before they found

the guy and then when guests would say kevin i would say say, please, my name's Tom. And I never answered to it. And so it was confusing for all the media. But why would they? So the second season onward, it was called Kevin Masters Starring Comrades. What the fuck were they doing? Was it just they were high? Amsterdam people? No, no, no, no. And that's the thing about Holland is they, you know, people, normal people there don't

smoke a lot of weed. It's just tourists. Yeah. They say you're either a teenager or a tourist. If you smoke weed? If you smoke weed. And it's kind of frowned upon if you're in your 30s and 40s and you're still smoking weed.

You're considered very immature. Wow. Well, that makes sense that that's what happens when you allow people to do whatever the fuck they want. Well, my wife is from Holland, and we've had this conversation a lot, you know, and her perception is that in the United States, it's, like, really cool to smoke pot.

But in Holland, you know, they, you know, marijuana is tolerated. They educate the people that it's actually an uncool thing and that it will deplete your creativity in your life. That's hilarious. How the fuck did they push that? Deplete your creativity? Well, I mean, that's what's common cultural perception

and the way they teach it. Conservative style? They're a very Calvinist Christian society. They believe in partying after you've worked a 50-hour work week right right right you know you can do whatever you want as long as it doesn't harm other people and uh that's nice you got a little clip of it there yeah redheaded woman she was the host of who wants to be a millionaire and how many years did you do this for I did it for two years did three seasons on there for two and then the same network let me be a presenter on a travel program so and it's really an interesting story because, you know, first of all, the thing about Holland is, that always amazed me, is that, you know, drugs and prostitution are, you know, not legal, but they're tolerated.

And, but in Amsterdam, they're like really strict. You're not allowed to ride your bicycle on certain streets. And the cops do not fuck around. You could be selling cocaine. They don't care. Do not ride your bicycle on certain streets. And then also like you can get tickets for putting your garbage out a night early. So they've got a lot of really strict rules.

Right. Even though like drugs and prostitution are tolerated. So I moved there for this Dutch girl. I had started playing in Europe a lot, London primarily. And the Comedy Store in London is one of the greatest comedy clubs in the world. And once you crack London, there's all these other worldwide tours. There's gigs in Asia and Australia and all over Europe once you get in with London. So I had played in Holland. I fell in love with this girl, this little blonde Dutch girl,

and I ended up moving to Holland for this girl. And we were together for two years, and I was doing, it wasn't much of a comedy scene in Holland at the time. I was flying back and forth to London on weekends, playing all over Europe and everything. So the relationship didn't work out. And she broke up with me, and I was just about to move back to the United States. And I'd completely fallen in love with Holland. I thought it was just such a wonderful, magic country, and I loved everything about it. And these people saw me in a comedy club. And they were looking for an American to host the late night talk show.

And they gave me the job. So I got to stay. I thought I was, you know, this girl. We broke up. And I thought, oh, I'm going back to the States. But then, boom, I get this television opportunity. And, you know, I always dreamed of, I always loved Carson. And, you know, being the guy in the $3,000 suit coming out from behind the curtain,

standing on the X, doing your little five-minute monologue. So I got to live this dream. And the girl that broke up with me, for one year after she broke up with me, she would still get together and fuck me all the time. Holla! Holla! She's my kind of girl. So I was still in love with her. Oh, Tom. And I wanted to get back together with her.

Once in your life, you'll find her. Was it Arthur? Were you writing poems? Did you write a poem? No, no, no, no, no. But I mean, she was an amazing human being. And we're having dinner at this Greek restaurant one night, and I told her you know

i i still love you and i want to get back together with you and and i i know we can make this work baby and she goes oh my god i thought you knew this was just physical i don't want to get back together with you so i got all upset like a 14 year old boy and i stormed out of this restaurant and i jumped on my bicycle and i'm just pedaling my ass off. I'm all upset, and I'm just crying, and I'm pedaling. And I turned up Leidestrott, one of the streets you're not allowed to ride your bicycle on. And my front wheel went into the tram track. And I went over the handlebars, and I landed on my face on the street. My forehead, my nose, my chin were scraped to hell.

And the next day, I woke up up and my face is mangled. And I had to be on television later that afternoon, not a studio piece. It was a man on the street filming thing. And my face is mangled. I didn't know what to do. So I went to the Bayerkorf. It's the biggest department store in Amsterdam. And I went to the makeup area and there was one chair open and I sat down and it was this gay guy and I told him my whole life story. I'm a stand-up comedian from the United States and I moved here for this girl and it didn't work out and she's still fucking me all the time and I said, I want to get back together

with you and she said, I thought you knew this was just physical. And I go, I gotta be on television in three hours. Please help me. And the guy goes, don't worry. I am a professional makeup artist. And when I'm done with you,

nobody will know anything happened to you. And I am also in love with a bastard. And he went to work on me, and this guy did such an amazing job. If you'd have known what you were looking for, maybe you could have spotted it, you know, on the television. But I swear to God,

this man did such a wonderful job covering up these cuts on my face that I think the man saved my job. And I went back the next day with flowers to thank him, and he wasn't there. I went back the next day with flowers, and he wasn't there. I went back every day that week with flowers.

I still go back periodically, and I've never seen the man ever again. He was an angel. He never existed. I think he was an angel. I think he was an angel. I think he was an angel. He was a gangel. Or he died of AIDS that night.

No, you didn't, man. He was an angel. He died of AIDS later that night. Later that night. That's ruthless, Brian. All the makeup. I saw a... Sour my cute little heartbroken story.

I saw a crazy interview with someone from Colorado where they were talking about the shooting, about how the guy's gun jammed. Yeah. And they believe that it was God that stepped in and jammed his gun. It's always God. God does everything.

Yeah, I wish he would have got there sooner, right? Right. Would God be available Like a lightning bolt You could send in there Why couldn't the guy get in a flat tire on the way over The only time God was there Was when the gun jammed

What a horrible Fucking tragedy man Jesus Christ yeah It's so terrifying Someone's capable of doing something like that I know And these people They do it for fame It's so terrifying. My cousin lives a few blocks from here. Someone's capable of doing something like that. I know. But a human's capable of doing something like that. And these people, they do it for fame.

And it should be illegal in our media in the United States to say the person's name in the news. When somebody does one of these horrific shootings on innocent citizens, they should only refer to that person as that human turd. That human turd that shot those people in Colorado. That human turd that shot those people in Fort Hood, Arizona, Virginia Tech. Yeah, that would be a wise thing to do. The human turd number one, human turd number 17. It's like a union buster sort of a thing. No one's going to agree to not find his name.

Right, right, right. We got his name right here. Come to gofuckyourself.com. Right. He said he was the joker. And if the guy really was that big of a fan, why didn't he watch the first showing and shoot everybody up at the second viewing? It doesn't matter.

The whole thing, he's a broken human being. We just have to figure out how to fuck a human being become so broken. What is it? Is it a chemical imbalance is he on medication is he psychotic i grew up in san diego it's perfect there the thing that scares me though is that his mother knew that it was him when when he came to visit her she knew that it was her son oh really she was uh you know when she had heard about it she knew it was him there's a comedian that uh uh caleb melody oh yeah yeah yeah yeah he uh i think if i remember correctly

he actually did a set that night at uh at the comedy works and then went to go see that movie later that night and i guess he got shot in the face and yeah i think he got shot in the eye he lost his eye yeah and then he just had a baby uh like a week ago his wife had a girlfriend at a band and you can go to i think it's caleb melody.com and support donate money caleb.com and you can yeah you can donate support support caleb.com yeah so but uh that sucks that's yeah it's close to home you know a comedian getting shot that's it just just any human i mean it's just what the fuck it's you you wonder when we're ever gonna get past this shit i mean like when the trayvon martin thing happened you know uh and so much hate and anger in the media on both sides you know so many people claiming that the media was uh in just in their portrayal and so many

black people claiming that you know that this this guy's a criminal and this guy's a murder i liked white white people were saying oh did you see what his Twitter name was? It was something, N-word. And like that justified that he got shot? Yeah, no doubt it was not handled correctly. No doubt. You know, there's a reason why that guy wasn't allowed to be a cop. They didn't want him to be a cop.

You know, it wasn't, it's not, I mean, I know a lot of cops. Yeah, I do too. My cousin's a cop. Yeah, you can become a cop. You know, it wasn't, it's not, I mean, I know a lot of cops. I do too. My cousin's a cop. Yeah, you can become a cop. You know, this guy couldn't. Why couldn't he? Well, it's probably because there was something wrong. There's probably something wrong there.

Whether the cops are like, nah, not you, dude. Right. I mean, why does a security guy got a gun anyway? Well, you know, I mean, I guess you would want a real trained security guard with a gun if you wanted to have a former military or former cop who was a security guard. But someone who's trained, someone who's like legit, knows what the fuck they're doing and has followed protocols. Right. Well, you know, also I'm from Oviedo, Florida, which is the next town over. And Sanford, you know, it's on Lake Jessup, this massive lake that's connected to the St. John's River that goes to the Atlantic. It was supposed to be it was a big port in the Civil War.

And there's you know, there's some ancient Civil War era mentality still in that area. Really? Really? I mean, I mean, you got you got like very poor black black neighborhoods in places in Florida and the South, you know, where they're on one side of town. There's railroad tracks at the center of the town. Exactly what we're talking about. Black people live on one side, white people live on the other. That's what I'm talking about. Like old, you know, American South separatism and lack of upward mobility.

Yeah, it's exactly what we were talking about earlier, that if you wanted to fix something, man, that would be the one thing that you would want to fix. And I think rich people would want to put a lot of money into that, too. Like, don't you want things to be safer and nicer? Wouldn't you want it if more people were friendly and kind and not, like, in desperate need? You know, don't you think it would be better if more people were were friendly and kind and not like in in desperate need you know don't don't you think it'd be better if more people weren't in desperate need

for whatever reason we have a hard time engineering that we have a hard time looking at that as a number one priority instead it's you know you know where the fuck we're gonna pull oil from next and how much does corn get subsidized this year? And what are our gas prices? We don't worry about fucking poor neighborhoods. Poor neighborhoods are crazy. The idea that you could live and know that in this one area is like infested with criminals and people who are uneducated and people who are struggling. And all the crime rates are far higher.

And nobody concentrates on that. Nobody fixes that. It's amazing. It's really quite amazing. It just shows you how sort of self-centered the whole idea of running a government really is. I'll tell you how fucked up. I mean, I'll tell you how lame our government is. I was driving with my wife last year,

and we were just talking about Guantanamo Bay and these people getting tortured and everything. And I was like, I wonder what the top ten songs were that we tortured people with at Guantanamo Bay. And so she gets on the iPhone and she looks it up. And you're not going to believe it. Well, the number one song that we tortured people with in Guantanamo Bay

by a band called Diacide, it's called Fuck Your God. It's like a very loud death metal song. That sounds appropriate for torturing people. Number two was like... Britney Spears. Grooves in the Heart.

It was like... It was like American Pie by Don McLe, it was like... Groove is in the Heart. It was like... That's a good song. It was like American Pie by Don McLean. Oh, wow. Which is not a bad number. And then... But they played it over and over again. Number three was We Will Rock You, We Are the Champions by Queen.

Number three, the torture music. I could listen to that Brian May guitar riff forever. I think what they're probably doing is just repetitively breaking them down with noise. We can't even get our torture songs right. Wouldn't that be great, though, to make that playlist? That playlist would be so great. Yeah, I would not have that. If I was going to make that playlist,

it would be like, Helen Reddy, I Am Woman, a hundred times in a row. I would talk. I would talk. Osama bin Laden, he's in Pakistan. He's in islamabad it's a big compound there's very tall walls just end it i am strong i am invincible i'm woman it's over and over and over again she fucking jihadHod! Just fucking scream at the top of your lungs

just leap off the top of the building. Did you hear Snoop Dogg is no longer Snoop Dogg? He's Snoop Lion now. Yeah, he went to Jamaica. Above the black eyes can change their names.

That's badass. And they usually have parties to do so. Like Puff Daddy remember when he was Puff? Now he's not Puff Daddy anymore now he's P. Diddy. Prince,

I'm just going to be a symbol I'm not even going to be a word. That was really the best. Prince was the smoothest move ever. Because I think his deal... Well, that was a contractual thing. Yes. Then he could make his own music or something.

Yeah, because he couldn't be Prince. And I don't think he could change his name. It was like one of those deals. I was like, okay. Yeah, because you remember he had slave on his cheek. Oh, yeah. For like a year. That's just so stupid. Well, the music companies, they're bad motherfuckers on his cheek for like a year. That's just so stupid.

Well, the music companies, they're bad motherfuckers. They know what they're doing. What was the rap guy that had the band-aid on his cheek? Oh, Usher? No, no, no. No, R. Kelly. It's getting hot in here. Oh, Nelly.

Nelly, yeah. Band-aids, that's right. Band-aids became cool. I wonder if that's healed. All right. And it was always on different parts of his cheek. He always switched it around.

I thought I was a bad shaver. Now he was so good, how come he didn't put on more music? I don't know. Did he just get too rich and just go crazy? Spend all his money on... Well, that's always it with rap guys. When they make too much money, then they kind of... Dude who going to clean my pool is late.

You know, it's not his street and loses the message a little bit. Well, now that Lil Wayne's out of the pokey, all that shit's changed. My nizzle. Lil Wayne. Do you follow rap music at all? I like everything music-wise. But yeah, no, I like rap. I interrupted you back.

We were talking about when we first met or when we've met and hung out. But one of them was when you had that NBC show. Right. That's what I was saying. And so it was like this. There was a lot of pressure. It was very big time. like this uh there was a lot of pressure it was very big time uh and nbc had this unveiling of their new shows or all their shows at the lincoln center in new york city and uh people are coming

across the stage and then like i saw you backstage you came up to me and i was just like so happy to to see a comedian yeah yeah you know and i i think, you know, we hung out and talked for most of the night. Cause like everybody else, like actors and dude, I felt the exact same way when it, whenever I went into a real comedian, it's like, Oh,

you're here. I wanted to hug you. I wanted to hug you. Please tell me what's life like in the same, same world you operated. When we were not saying, but we're saying for us, you know,

like, uh, if you run into Doug Stanhope at the airport, you're so happy. You know what I mean? It's like, yes, come here, you motherfucker. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's the glory of being friends with comedians, you know,

to have friends like Joey Diaz, you know? Joey Coco Diaz. And, you know, so many of our friends are calm. I mean, everybody that we bring around here to the Ice House, we have these Ice House Chronicles shows. You've got to do one, man. They're so fun. They're so fun.

You're here at the Ice House this weekend, right? This Friday and Saturday. This Friday and Saturday. And if you've never seen Tom Rhodes, he's a bad motherfucker. International comedian. A real comics comic. Dude has been around forever. And the Ice House is probably, if not the oldest club in the country,

it's right up there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then all these classic comedy albums were recorded here, is probably, if not the oldest club in the country, it's right up there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then all these classic comedy albums were recorded here, like Bob Newhart, The Button Down Mind, and The Smothers Brothers. I just came out with a new CD, and it's a double CD thing.

One is live at the Comedy Store in Sydney, Australia, and the other one is live at the Ice House. Those comedy stores are like a rip-off of the real comedy store, right? They don't pay the real comedy store. They just called it the comedy store. Yeah, no, none of them are related. The London one, the Sydney one. Sneaky international name-thieving motherfuckers taking money out of Mitzi Shore's pocket.

I think she... Bitch, you know that ain't the comedy store. There's one in Japan, too. Yeah, that ain't the comedy store I think There's one in Japan too Yeah that ain't The comedy store bitch Oh no comedy store I think they didn't You know

Copyright the name They fucked up They only copyrighted And wrote it in California or the states Whatever it is There's only two real Comedy stores in the world

Ladies and gentlemen That's Hollywood and La Jolla That's it Okay Let's not get crazy Yeah I've never been A big comedy store guy. I just recently,

this year, I've done three sets there. It's a weird club. I've enjoyed going there and hanging out. I think the last time I saw you was there when I ran into you a few years ago. Good friends of mine

play there. I always had a strange feeling about the place, which I'm starting to get over now, because I've enjoyed playing there this year. But I'm from the Orlando, Florida area, and when I was 19 years old, I won this contest, the funniest person in Central Florida contest. Not funniest person in Florida, funniest person in Central Florida contest. Not funniest person in Florida,

funniest person in Central Florida, which I think is hilarious. There was a kid in South Florida who was a real badass. And the grand prize of this contest was I got to go to fly to Los Angeles and do a set at the Comedy Store. And I'm 19 years old, man. I've been doing comedy for two years. L.A., the Comedy Store, oh my God, you'd have thought I was doing Johnny Carson. This is my break, baby. Going to L.A., man. And in retrospect, it was an open mic night. And I only did five minutes.

But there was a very famous comedian there. I won't mention the man's name. And he acted like I was the funniest comedian he'd ever seen in his life. Was he a big guy? I'm not saying. Was it Pauly Shore? No, no, no. Let's just for the record state it was not Pauly Shore.

Don't even do it, Brian. No, let's leave some mystery. Anyway, so he may or may not be a big guy. He invites me to hang out with him, and then he asks me to take a drive with him. And oh, my God, who wouldn't want to take a drive with a famous guy? What car? We parked in front of The Rage on Santa Monica for like 20 minutes. Whoa, that's the gay bar.

Well, years later when I lived in L.A., I find out the Rage is like the biggest gay bar in Los Angeles. I had no idea at the time. So this guy is showing off his young meat. Whoa. And then he says he needs to go by his apartment in Beverly Hills. And we go in, and on his wall he had all these photos of him and famous people that were signed to him. And so we go from one side down all the way, and he's showing me, you know, this is me with Gandhi and Martin Luther King

and whatever, whoever, Urkel. Whoa, whoa, whoa. And then we get to the end of the wall, and it's the corner. This was the guy's move to show you the pictures. You start at one side, and then boom, you're in the corner. No.

And he makes this move on me. And I'm 19 years old. And the guy steps in on me. And what's the move? And I just like kind of, I recoiled

and the guy steps in on me and he cupped my ass. Oh! With each hand. He's got an ass cheek. Why are you afraid to say this man's name? I don't say it. Don't, don't.

I won't say it. I won't. I promise you I won't say it. But I will say what it rhymes with. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't do it. Don't do it. Please don't.

So anyway, you know, I said, can we go back to the comedy store? And I can't help but reflect on that moment all these years later and think how much further my career would have gone if i would have just fucked that yeah i don't think so you would lose all your street cred i'm kidding you would lose so but anyway but that was why so like you know and i go back to florida i'm 19 like people like hey how was your trip to hollywood i don't want to talk about it. Have you talked to him since? Never, never seen the guy ever again. But yeah, so that kind of made

me shy away from the comedy store. Well, that makes sense. I didn't know that that guy was doing that, but it kind of makes sense. I think a lot of those guys, you know, I mean, when you hear enough stories about dudes like that, that pull moves on masseuses and stuff.

Oh my god, how about John Travolta, man? You think that's true? You think he really had his ass? Because three or four guys came out and said that he'd stick his ass up in the air and go, touch it. Just touch my butthole.

I can only speculate. Do you think maybe he's just at a higher level of Scientology than we would ever understand? It could be that. Maybe that's the top level. You get to stick your ass up at people and beg them to touch it. What we're seeing as immoral activity is really the next phase of evolution. And once you really appreciate the pleasure of the prostate gland, you can move on to the next level of clear.

You can go super... The pleasure of the prostate gland. Super duper clear. Well, it's there. It's a secret. You know, that feeling is a secret. It's the best feeling of all time to have someone massage your prostate.

And John Travolta's obviously figured it out. But these non... He is at the highest level. He's at the highest level. That is the highest level. These people are all delusional. He should be able to pay, especially as an upper level

Superman character in the fucking game of Scientology. He should be able to pay to get his asshole rubbed. Right. Why is he going to strangers? Because we got a lot of

telltale snitch ass bitches out there working in massage parlors needing to learn to keep their trap shut. Right. I mean, hey, what happened to

masseuse client? Yeah,iality. Every comedian knows dudes who steal jokes. Every Masseuse should know a celebrity that wants you to finger their asshole. It's part of your job, man. You should know what's dangerous. You know what I'm saying? If you want to

be a UFC fighter, don't play footsies with Hutzimar Palhares. You know what I'm saying? I watched an info commercial last night called the Milana Bra. Have you heard of this thing? I think the old UFC ring girl was in it.

It's weird because it was such a man bashing commercial. First it starts off saying, is your bra doing this and that? And they're showing all these really luscious hot girls. And then they show this bra, and it's just the most ugliest, grossest thing. And it's like, hide that cleavage. A bra was designed by men.

And then they did that fake game show thing where they had a studio audience. Like, now, did a man make this? No, this is the way women should look. Anyways, I just found it on YouTube just to show you a little example of how insane this is. It's called the Milana Bra by Genie. Spell it, Milana? Having another bad bra day? Shoulder straps and underwire

digging in. Hooks poking you in the back and bras that just don't fit and just don't work. Really? You're kidding. Introducing the Milana Bra by Jeannie. Designed by a woman for women. This amazing bra gives you super support, amazing lift, and incredible comfort.

All in a beautiful hand-sewn lace cami style. Say goodbye to painful straps that are digging into your shoulders. If you see the full commercial, it's on late night TV, it will make you so pissed off. Why? At what they say. You could just tell it's like, why do you want to show your cleavage?

Don't give in to the man. And stuff like that. No, what I think they're saying is that other shit is uncomfortable. You've somehow or another turned into a man versus woman thing. Look, look, look. Embarrassing cleavage? Gone.

Sexy, classy cleavage, bitch? You don't know what the fuck you're talking about. It's always there. This is very, very smooth. So I'm happy about that. It's the one bra that I can wear. Oh, shut these ladies up. I don't want to hear about that bra.

It will drive you crazy. But anyways, I think the first part is awesome i think is this the old ufc girl right let me see if i can find it uh never mind i'll find it don't hear it right there yeah probably yeah like it she does a lot of those she's yeah that's chandella yeah she does a lot of modeling unfortunately she did some Some nude type stuff At one point in time Isn't that what we all expect from a ring girl? Yeah you're allowed to do certain levels of nude type stuff

I don't know But no whole close up No animals To me it's ridiculous I just think it's so crazy People are so weirdo When it comes to that shit Especially now with technology and teenagers

I'm so glad like cell phones went around like camera phones when i was a teenager it'd be hours of dick online hour-long films we like really got lucky that we missed that i know but i mean like there's so many girls uh you know taking pictures of their snatches yeah oh yeah well there's horrible hacks have happened in like i think that'll be the new fingerprinting system in the future you know how people have those accounts where you can upload pictures from your cell phone well people have hacked into those and got a lot of girls like secret photos of like loads on their faces right well you know like that that that uh rupert murdoch son scandal in

england i mean i wonder like if what is that scandal? Where they hacked into people's email accounts and that they were also eavesdropping on celebrities' phone calls and they could retrieve their voicemails and things. That's incredible. So, I mean, I... Rupert Murdoch got in trouble for that? I knew that they had also...

Well, there was a girl who had, I think, been abducted and killed and then he got her voice messages. But also, like, there was a girl who had, I think, been abducted and killed. And then he got her voice messages. But also, like, Hugh Grant and all these people. They were, like, you know, listening to their phone conversations. Well, what happened is they checked the message. And it gave the family hope that she was still alive. That was it. Because they knew that the phone that someone had checked since then.

Like, oh, she's alive. She's alive. Right, right, right, right. I mean, well, she wasn't alive. That's some creepy shit, man. That's ghoulish, you know? And so how come he's not in jail? Oh, he's really super.

Oh, he's really super rich. Super, super, super rich. Yeah, if that was Tom Rhodes, Tom Rhodes would be in jail right now. Isn't that amazing? And we just sort of accept it. Like, well, he is super rich. And we still live in like a king era. I mean, it's still really like that.

Did you see when he was in court, some guy, I was in Europe, so I saw that some guy came in with the pie and smashed a pie in his face. But his Asian wife jumped up and decked the guy. It was like... Do you think it's even possible to, like, take Bill Gates to court? You know what I mean? To, like, prosecute him with some sort of a crime? Could you ever go after him?

When you have that kind of money, isn't it possible to stop everything in its tracks? Could Rupert Murdoch go to jail? Could you ever see him being arrested? Never happened. Especially since he doesn't live in America, right? Doesn't he live in Australia? Yeah, he's Australian,

but he knows where he lives. Probably lives on top of Mount Everest. Probably lives everywhere, son. He's probably got a house in every state. Yeah, just drives into that shit, son.

You got Rupert Murdoch type money? That guy's not going to jail. No, he's probably got a farm of poor people that he's going to start taking their organs as he gets older. Yeah.

It's probably clones. It's probably headless versions of him. You know? They're going to chop his old head off and stick it on some super young body. Right. It's going to be awesome. It's going to be like 70 from the neck up and 20, 20 and young. People guessed the comic.

Hard as a rock. People guessed the comic. No, they didn't. No, they didn't, Brian. Right? No. They didn't. People guessed the comic. No, they didn't. No, they didn't, Brian. Right? They didn't, did they? No. No.

They didn't. That's right. They didn't. They didn't, right? They didn't do it on MySpace. A lot of them got it wrong, right? On MySpace, yeah. They got it wrong everywhere.

Yeah. Brian, you don't want to get sued by that guy. Totally. Plus, he'll corner you. He's got moves. He's got traps set up all around the city for having conversations with you. Can we just walk over here and have a

boom next thing you know? The trap. The trap was masterful. It's really amazing. Here's me with the famous person. I heard that David Lee Roth at his mansion in Pasadena, he had his gold records from the front door up the staircase to the bedroom. So when he would bring women over.

I mean, this might just be, you know, urban mythology. But he would come in and go, oh, let me show you my gold records. And then, boom, we're in the bedroom. Never thought about that. That's just masterful. I mean, that might be bullshit, but it's genius. Bullshit. He's goddamn David Lee Roth.

Why would it be bullshit? I do the ET move. I just put chocolates on the ground. Excesses. David Lee Roth. That would be bullshit. I'd do the E.T. move. I'd just put chocolates on the ground. Excesses. David Lee Roth, man. Guy was a hero. There was a story. Paul Williams, I guess.

Remember Paul Williams? The composer? Yeah, the singer. I think it was Paul Williams and some friends of Johnny Carson's, this little men's drinking group in the 70s, where they, and this might be urban mythology as well, but it's a great story I heard years ago, that they would try and top each other,

like doing a special lunch for each other, and like just the most extravagant, you know, rich guy shit they could think of. And they stopped playing the game i forget who it was but like somebody you know that sends limos to get all six of the guys or whatever and they go to the you know burbank airport or wherever and like there's like six helicopters waiting and they fly out and there's like a a prostitute in each helicopter who handed them a bag lunch with a sandwich. And then the helicopter hovered over each guy's house

and their wives are probably home. And they got to eat their sandwich and get a blowjob as the helicopter hovered over their house. That's beautiful. And then like whoever was in charge said, okay, that'll never be topped. That is some James Bond type awesomeness. That's badass

that's why it's worth it to become a fucking billionaire yeah Rupert Murdoch probably has like buttons that he presses and chicks come out of the

floor just naked chicks and they just suck his cock he probably has it set up like little spring traps everywhere in the

house and he forgets about them once in a while and he's like oh we got another dead one and if I want a

blowjob I will press this button she appears in the bathroom yeah so while and he's like, oh, we've got another dead one. And if I want a blowjob, I will press this button. She appears in the bathroom. Yeah. So right when he's about to, honey, I'll be right back. He's going to take a shit. She pops out of the floor

in a capsule. Like those things they had in Star Trek. She just, the floor rises in like a half a second. She's already on her knees and naked. He just shoves his cock in her mouth. Boom.

I was thinking last night there were so many hot Asian girls that we should have like a discount if you're a hot Asian girl. You get $5 off your ticket or something. Shut up, Brian. If he wanted to do that, if Rupert Murdoch wanted to do that, he could have it set up where it's where he takes a shit because no woman ever want to walk in on an old man while he's taking a shit. When old men start shitting, all you have to do is say, all right, I'm going to take a shit.

And he could just have – no one would ever know. If he had some offset tile, if he had some really interesting tile and just had a good, weird, geometrical design that this capsule was made out of, and then he would have them waiting. He would have them waiting. Maybe he had a little iPhone app. Maybe he has a little iPhone app. Maybe it's like 6pm in the shitter. He just shows up, shuts that door. Are you checking your Twitter again?

Yeah, like it recognizing when he's in the room. Maybe he has a chip implanted in his arm so that every room he goes into, the right lighting and mood light comes on, walks in that bathroom, they know it's him, hook her out of the floor. Nom, nom, nom, nom.

I mean, wouldn't that be amazing if he could really pull it off and no one knew? And then, like, you get there, like, later on he dies, and they find out he was, like, a Nazi or some crazy shit, so they have to go through his house. I don't know, his wife is, like, 40 years younger than him. Nice!

And when the media goes through his house, they find these capsules, and they led to go through his house. I don't know. His wife is like 40 years younger than him. Nice! And when the media goes through his house, they find these capsules and they led to these underground tunnels that led to an airplane runway where they would bring girls right from Thailand and they would just go into the capsules. They didn't even know where they were. They were blindfolded the whole flight.

They were just brought in as Rupert Murdoch's bathroom suckers. Have you actually really ever had your dick sucked while on the toilet? No. That's pretty gross. That's pretty gross. That's so rude, too. Make someone smell your shit and suck your dick, you greedy bitch.

I bet Dana would love it. It's one or the other. Yeah, maybe Dana would, but yeah. How funny was that last night? We had a podcast, the Ice House Chronicles, with Dana Dieramon, and Dom Herrera knew everything about her. It was weird.

Dom's the best. He's a porno woman. Dom's the best. He's a confirmed pervert from the get-go. I like when he tells stories about which crazy chick he was living with. It was that one crazy stripper. Remember that one, Joe? Which one wasn't a crazy stripper remember that one joe it was like as opposed to what what which one wasn't

a crazy stripper damarera is he's like he's a real deal you know i love knowing that there's a guy like that out there right there's a guy like damarera still writing new material still slugging it baby killing it yeah we had him at the ice house joeyz Don Marrero that was just Brody Stevens dude Don Marrero is a motherfucking killer crushed it I watched him crush it on a Friday night on a Wednesday night

I mean he always nails it and it's like it's so inspiring to see that he's always writing you know I love that I love when I see

he's always got a fucking notebook with him he's always going over some shit before he goes on some dudes just somewhere along the line they just kind of like give up on that. Right. Not him.

Don Marrera's out there slinging it. I love that when you see older guys still care and still put the work in. I'm friends with... It's a real comic. Great friends with Rich Hall. He's in London and you see him and you're like, God, it's... Yeah, he's fantastic. He was one of the guys I paid to see before I ever did comedy. I saw him at Stitch's Comedy

Club in Boston, Massachusetts. Wow. Like right before I did my first open mic night. It was cool. It was him and this guy Teddy Bergeron performed. Teddy Bergeron was this local headliner who was a brilliant, brilliant comedian who really never got his notoriety because he had a problem with drugs and alcohol and all kinds of shit but he's like a legend back in boston i mean just a amazing

amazing comedian and i saw rich hall didn't he what was his his yeah i remember he played in orlando when i was a like open micer and he had a lot of props he came out he had like a tricycle and there was a car door welded to it yeah like he'd roll down the window and he leaned out the it was like really cute stuff yeah he had a lot of weird and he did sniglets you know but um but yeah no he's like what was the sniglets though those were words uh for things that there are no words like belly button lint and all these different like that crust around the milk carton that falls off into your cereal every time you unscreen it. Right, and the toothpaste that sticks to the sink. But he's actually a very political, social-minded comedian now.

Is he really? Yeah, and you see him. That was the thing about Miles Davis. He had seven or eight different styles in the course of his career. And that's kind of like Rich Hall. He's got to be on his ninth style of comedy. That's cool. So he's doing it in London now?

Plays theaters all over England, yeah. Didn't he have a farm in, like, British Columbia or something like that? No, no, no, no. He's got a ranch in Montana. Montana. Yeah. That's right. I went out and stayed with him a couple years ago for the month of August.

A ranch in Montana. Because I know Harris Peet from the comedy store was a buddy of his. And Harris Peet used to do stuff with him out in the ranch. Yeah, he's got a really... That's a crazy thing to have a ranch in Montana. Right. That's legit, man. That is legit.

That's big sky, son. And it's so beautiful out there. And he's got a pitching machine set up in his endless backyard. Why did he decide Montana? He loves it.ana is beautiful uh and and so we would sit in his backyard for just hours smacking the shit out of baseballs it's like you know when you're a kid and you think oh man if i ever get a lot of money i'm gonna have a batting machine in my backyard you know right but why i mean montana is most certainly beautiful

don't get me wrong but why did he pick that as opposed to, like, Wyoming, Colorado? Like, what about Montana appealed to him? It's stunning there. You know, the area is Livingston. And it's just, it's breathtaking. You know what else is amazing? There's a lot of cool, I think Jeff Bridges lives there. Peter Fonda lives there.

There's a lot of. Do you think you can hang out with them if you live there? I think, yeah. I mean, Walter Kearns is a writer who wrote Up in the Air. It's a small town. Everybody knows each other. So we're sitting on his porch.

People coming by and, you know, it's awesome. I actually hit a deer and I had to stay a week longer than I had anticipated. And I always thought that kind of thing... Because you hit a deer and I had to stay a week longer than I had anticipated because you hit a deer? yeah my car was the whole front end was smashed did you get it repaired?

yeah it was undriveable and it was like 4 o'clock in the afternoon really sunny beautiful day I always thought that kind of thing happened at night and I was only going like 45 I was just building up momentum. I had just turned on this road. And it was actually kind of beautiful to see this gorgeous creature up close like that as it bounced off my hood.

Yeah. It was like this really radiant red-brown coat. Yeah, we're so removed from the variety of nature that a deer is like some shit from avatar you know oh it's alive look it's alive like we we control all the animals in our perimeter that's why we're able to like walk down streets like a bear fleshy asses we don't have to worry about elks ramming us and shit we sort of control the perimeters we keep the animals out with all this hard surface and craziness. Deers are supposed to be around people.

They're food. You're supposed to live around them. They're delicious. You've got to have a good bumper, though, man. You ever see those bumpers that they make for trucks? Well, that's why everybody has trucks there. Not just trucks. They have a specific type of bumper. See if you can pull it up, Brian, because it's

some Road Warrior type shit. They have a cleaver bumper. And, right. See if you can pull it up, Brian, because it's like some Road Warrior type shit. Right. They have a cleaver bumper. And they just knock them down. Yeah, well, if you hit it with this bumper, it deflects it to the left or to the right. You know, the idea is that you can really get fucked up by a deer, especially an elk. If you hit an elk, those, they're... Or a moose.

Moose are massive. Yes. I saw a huge pickup truck there that had hit a moose. Really? And it was mangled. The whole big engine was crushed like an aluminum can or something. They're so huge, man. And they're so stupid.

Look at this bumper. That's what I'm talking about. Is that what it's called? I don't know. No. The deer slaughterer. Look at the big lights, too, on the front of it. That shit's also important. Did you know semis, the front tires of semis have spikes coming out of them? What?

I'd never noticed. Oh, on the hubcap area. Yeah, on the hubcap. I've never noticed this before. I just started noticing it yesterday. They have these Mad Max spinning or James Bond. Yeah, not all of them. I think that's like a special.

That's like getting rims on your car if you're a trucker. I think that's the... Oh, it's sexy. But I noticed it yesterday, and I noticed every truck in la at least has it and i want is that just so if like anyone tries to come over on them that they just like destroy the car before the semi before the semi loses its tire that is mad max it's probably pretty smart i'd probably like that yeah better than you know i'd rather your car get a little fucked up than this semi lose a tire and go careening into a crowd yeah i never

how prophetic was mad max the road warrior it's they're fighting each other for gasoline uncomfortably as it gets closer big guy i am the humongous and then this gay lover with the mohawk gets the uh whatever you call it the boomerang in the head. Remember that? It could go that way. If you look at parts of the world, like Liberia, where it's a really badly fucked up area of the world, especially during the Civil War, which was not that long ago. Liberia, where we sent the freed slaves that wanted to go back to Africa. Exactly.

I mean, horrific. Their capital is Monrovia. You know a lot about Liberia. I know a lot about the world. Did you ever watch that Vice... You are fucking international, man. You are, Tom Rhodes. Did you ever watch that Vice guy? You are fucking international, man. You are, Tom Rhodes. Did you ever watch that Vice guy to travel on Liberia?

Mm-mm. They covered that guy, General Butt Naked, the guy who was a born-again Christian who has killed thousands and thousands of people, murdered children, ate their heart and shit. Wow. Really intense Civil War type shit and then became a Christian-found Jesus and apparently they

like let him off the hook uh with a child's heart do you drink red or white wine i think it you just take it raw like a shot well no ice nothing yeah it's it's it's so twisted that this guy gets to say i you know i found jesus now i'm good and they they forgave him and then all your sins are yeah i mean he's like an incredible war criminal and And he used to fight naked. Just took off all his clothes. That's why he's general butt naked. Yeah. That was his deal. Just kill people naked.

Personally responsible for the deaths of people. I never saw it. I actually watched this documentary last night. And if you haven't seen it, you should watch it. It's called The Century of Self. I have heard of it. I like traveling all the time. And I love watching BBC documentaries and free online documentaries.

This thing's called Century of Self, and it's about this guy, Edward Bernays, who was Sigmund Freud's nephew. And he, after World War I, he wanted to do propaganda, interested in controlling the masses, but he changed propaganda to public relations and this guy did he got like women to smoke like the women suffragette movement women trying to vote women didn't smoke cigarettes

it was really a taboo thing and then he got these women to light up at this march and they called them torches of freedom and now we're equal to men we can smoke and just like uh just all these things about manipulating the the masses through um you know public relations and yeah well they've been doing that since the get-go as soon as people figured out how to talk they figured out that they can lie you know you don't have to tell the truth and then they just got better and better at it and it evolved like everything else but yeah it's

interesting it's like a four-part series like four it's like an hour each thing i think the bbc made it but then like the last episode is how it's used in politics how you know this uh the corporations learned this at the turn of the century you know how they could because people used to only buy things that they wanted uh or that they needed and then now you know they they could because people used to only buy things that they wanted or that they needed and then now you know they're to to fulfill their selfish desires of you know this product will complete me well what happens is people get caught up in this this materialism loop where that is the focus where it's constantly attaining the newest objects become the focus and everything else becomes secondary it's like the focus is most on, I've got to get this new Ferrari.

There's a new Ferrari out, the Ferrari 258 Italia. It is the shit. I have this car. It completes me. I need this car. I must have this car. And then you get that car, and now you're looking at Lamborghinis. Lamborghinis are more badass.

And then you're looking at fucking Veyrons, and you're getting crazy. You're focusing on objects instead of actual pursuit of interest. I think you're hanging out with a higher class of people tonight. I'm not even talking about... I'm talking about any human being that does that. I mean, like real extreme materialists.

I mean, I obviously took it from Ferrari to that, but it doesn't have to be that. It could be a fucking Mustang. It could be a new TV. It could be a new computer. It could be... We somehow or another can become obsessed with attaining some sort be a new TV. It could be a new computer. Somehow or another, we can become obsessed with attaining some sort of

a new object. The Galaxy S3 is out. Have you tried it? It becomes the focus of your fucking day. You're watching all these YouTube reviews on the Galaxy S3, and you're like, what the fuck am I doing? I have a phone! Why am I being so crazy? What am I doing here? Am I going to use all these features?

Have you seen the Galaxy S3? Who cares? Who cares? How dare you? It looks pretty sporty. It looks like those droid things have finally caught up to iPhones, and they even passed them in a lot of ways. Nope.

You don't think so? No. Like you paid attention, bitch. Dude, just being after shows, getting, you know, talking to all these people that have their different phones and asking them every every single time i go so do you like it do you like it a lot he goes yeah i mean i want an iphone but i just can't afford it and i'm like i get that you know that's cool you can't afford it is more

expensive but what really sucks is just like using these people's cameras like because everyone wants to take a photo and stuff so you get to see the photo afterwards so we pretty much are the best beta testers or just uh to play with shows for cell phones and every time i'm like pretty interested like let me see what the photo looks like you know let's do this and it's not it's always shit shit especially like those uh those sprint ones those htcs those things are fucking terrible it's all blurred out and shit but I'll tell you I did see someone take a picture with one of those

Galaxy 3s and it was badass really I mean if somebody gave me one I would use it for a month is this a commercial no that note

that have you seen the the note it's called what is it Samsung Note yeah it's just like

it's a smaller iPad it's like a fucking iPad it's ridiculous it's huge it's awesome it looks awesome fits in your pocket it's the shit I gotta get one I must like a fucking iPad. It's ridiculous when people have those. It's huge. It's awesome. It looks awesome. It fits in your pocket. It's the shit.

I've got to get one. I must have it. I'll tell you what's weird now. I just spent two months playing all over Europe, and I had a week off. I went to Rome. And you see people with their iPads and taking them around and taking photos.

Yeah, videos. It's really weird to be at the Coliseum and see somebody with this big-ass iPad. Yeah, the new iPad's camera in it's really weird to be at like the Coliseum and see somebody well the new iPad this big ass iPad yeah the new iPad's camera in it is really really good is it really

yeah how many megabytes it's HD video camera well then that so it's so it's yeah so it's that's

incredible but they're they're you know such a skinny little thing and it's got an awesome like you know it's 96 degrees in Rome

it's hot and especially the Coliseum and the ancient ruins and you got this you know, it's 96 degrees in Rome. It's hot, and especially the Colosseum and the ancient ruins. And you've got this, you know, electronics don't like moisture. Right, but if you did have one of those things and you were walking around with it like that, they know what the fuck they're doing when they make these. They're not going to fuck up with moisture, but you're going to get some amazing pictures. You're going to be able to see it on a big screen, a big iPad screen. I could see that.

Because a lot of times you take a picture of something as spectacular as the Coliseum, you don't exactly know what you've got. If you take it with an iPad, you know exactly what you've got. That's kind of badass to think of just that alone. If they eventually get it to a point where you don't need a real camera, like they can get the technology down. I don't know if it's really possible. We don't need an extending lens or anything nutty like that.

That would be the perfect thing to take pictures with, an iPad. You can see what the fuck your picture looks like. I think that we're going to see what the next iPhone is a smaller note type iPad. There's already been a lot of rumors that they're going to have a 7 inch iPad, which would be kind of around

the note size. Is it 7 inches? I don't know. I have no idea. I just compare everything to my dick. It's about half the size of an ipad dick is bigger than this right here it's really incredible that you know that just to have the you know access to all of human knowledge in your hand like we were talking before we started like it's a great thing about smartphones is you're talking to somebody now and you're like oh what's the fastest bird uh yeah it's like the or somebody's at a bar talking shit you know and you can cannonball one cannonball three one best actor yeah you're like yeah fuck you let's go to the answer machine and you look it up we love doing that on the podcast it's the coolest thing when you were like who the fuck was

that right like i was saying about like i was saying about the the torture songs yeah exactly i mean remember years ago like if you needed to to make a phone call and you're driving on the highway, you had to like get off on the exit, find a pay phone with AIDS on it and call someone. Remember back when you really were worried that you could possibly catch AIDS from a phone? You know, like when AIDS first came out, you're like, what if it's on this? What if AIDS is on things? Like what if it's like the flu? Right. You're like, what if it's on this? What if AIDS is on things? What if it's like the flu? Right, yeah. And remember recently it's come out in the news that we're kind of close,

not to eradicating it fully, but to really minimizing it, where it's not a threat to the whole human population. Like when we were teenagers, Jesus, that came out. Do you remember when Kennison came out with that joke about it? About what? He goes, oh, yeah, that came out. Do you remember when Kinison came out with that joke about it? He goes, oh yeah, they say Sam. AIDS is a communicable disease. Heterosexual people die of it too. He goes, name one!

Name one fucking guy! It's not our dance! I'm like, whoa. Holy shit. Sam was the best. He was my favorite ever. Sam was great, shit. Sam was the best. He was my favorite ever. Sam was great, man. He was the best.

He was the most, to me, I mean, Richard Pryor's probably really the best, but Sam was one of my favorites. I mean, right up there with Pryor to me. I mean, if you ever, like, say who's the better comic, you just have to say Pryor. Fellas, do you love me? Pryor was the best. You ever see me in the front yard working on the yard? Shoot me dry, run me me over just kill me i'm in hell you gotta say prior was better because sam would have never been sam if prior hadn't come first you know they you had to have

a guy like that like prior had to have a guy like lenny bruce you know and sam had to have a guy like prior yeah you have to have somebody that shows you the way like every one of us is sort of piggybacking on everybody else you know we're all sort of Hicks disciples in some sort of a way right but I mean I remember doing comedy in Florida the first few years and you know there was just a lot of bland generic you know white guys and

in Florida there was a lot of New York acts that would come down in the winter and they were all like you know did a lot of talking to the crowd and, you know, hey, you know when you're on the subway? No, we're in Florida. We don't have a subway. Well, that's city guys. But I remember there was just like this kind of

kind of 80s hackiness and then it was the comedian Ron Bennington. He's on Sirius now. Yeah, I love Ron Bennington. And he was like the first beast of a comedian I saw. He was so brilliant, man. Like the first guy I ever saw talking about like things that mattered.

And I saw him and that like opened my eyes. Like, wow, you can actually talk about shit that matters. And then maybe a year later or something, Kinison exploded. And those were the first two guys I saw where I was like, wow, this is, you can approach this you don't have to uh you know pander to the to the masses you can talk about real shit that matters i heard about kinnison from a girl i was working with a chick i worked with at a boston athletic club she saw kinnison on hbo she said it was so funny she came to work the next day and was

was reenacting his bit about the homosexual necrophiliacs who were having sex with the dead corpses. Oh, it was really funny. She was doing it in the parking lot. It was so funny watching her do it that I had to check out Kinison. And I was 19, and that was the first seed that was planted in my head. I remember thinking, like, whoa, this is comedy, too? I never thought that this could be.

For folks who don't understand, before Kinison came along, whoa, this is comedy too? I never thought that this could be... This guy was... For folks who don't understand, before Kennison came along, there was nothing even remotely like that. A guy who just would scream, just like, I live in hell! I was married for three fucking years! I was in my club bed!

I hope you slide under a gas truck and taste your own blood. Die! Die! I want my records back! I want my records back. I want my records back. His pain was so awesome. It was like here was this guy who was just so completely different than anybody you've never seen before.

A former preacher. He's fat and short. His hair's all fucked up. He wears a hat. He wears a beret. Totally confident. Covers his body in a trench coat. Walks on stage with sneakers on

and just just dominates you just dominates the room for the moment you guys will say you can't wait to hear what this guy's gonna say next oh my god and then like you know in florida and the southern united states are so like you know um heavy christian jesus freaks and that stuff he would you know be doing about jesus jokes about you Well, he had the most clout of anybody. He was an actual former pastor. Because he was a preacher, yeah. So they couldn't fuck with him when it came to biblical verses and shit. He could get away with shit that a guy like you or I might not be able to pull things out of.

He pulled Leviticus out of his ass. He fucking taught it, which is amazing. It's just, what a crazy life. You know, they say he was normal until he got hit by a car oh really so he's a really shy kid got hit by a car became a completely different person his brother wrote a book about it called my brother sam not a book about his whole life but about the he i think it was a truck that hit him when he was a little boy and it just whatever pop something, and away we go.

We got Sam Kinison, and the world of comedy has changed by maybe a kid getting hit by a truck. That might have been what it was. They say a lot of times when people get head trauma, they get really reckless. They get crazy. Yeah, well, there's that famous psychological thing. I think it was in Connecticut or New Hampshire or something like 100 years ago.

Some guy was a really nice guy in the the, like a hundred years ago, some guy was a really nice guy in the village and he, he was at work and this big metal pole went through his brain and he lived and something happened to him where he like his whole personality changed where he became like just like a huge alcoholic asshole, really mean guy where just this brain trauma just completely changed his personality. Well, there was a story in one of those London tabloids. And then some people get hit and then they speak fluent French. I don't know if the story was true, but there was a guy who was a rugby player

and something happened to him. He got knocked unconscious. I don't believe that. You don't believe it? No, because we talked about this before and we looked at photos and he looked gay before also. So you think he was like on the fence? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Well, that's what he says, that it made him gay. And he woke up and, you know, he had no desire to be with women anymore. Remember, you know, the government was working on that like gay bomb? Yes. Wouldn't it have been great if that would have worked? Wouldn't that be great? Like all our enemies, we just drop this gay bomb on them. We were going to drop it in Iraq.

Everybody starts making out. We were going to turn it in Iraq. God, it's too bad they couldn't have perfected that. Turn Iraq into a big, just... Gay bar. Just a big gay hoedown. They changed their national anthem to It's Raining Men. What a ridiculous idea that they thought they were going to develop a bomb that you could drop.

And it would turn people, turn the soldiers on themselves. And the idea would be that it would kill morale because they would just be butt-fucking each other in the trenches and they would just give up when we came with guns. Right. They probably did create it and they probably let it loose. But it's such a homophobic idea because you're saying that a man is incapable of fighting

if he becomes a homosexual. Like, that's the idea. It demoralized them. Yeah, I mean, I think it made men instantly desirable, was the thing. Well, yeah, but also the idea was that they would be demoralized. They would start having sex with their co-workers. That was the idea. So it was made by people who were straight.

I think it's already pretty prevalent in the Middle East anyway. I think they say boys are for fun, women are for procreation. Yeah, I've heard that before. Is that really true? Yeah, I think there's already pretty prevalent in the Middle East anyway. I think they say boys are for fun, women are for procreation. Yeah, I've heard that before. Is that really true? Yeah, I think there's a... That's a big deal? I know people in Afghanistan, I've talked to dudes... I've talked to...

My brother was over there, and that's... Yeah, that's... Yeah, it's very common. That's what I heard. Yeah, that's a mess. Yeah. There's a lot of the... A lot of the world really fucking sucks.

There's a lot of... Yeah. And, you know know You talk to people And they're complaining Here It's like paradise Oh please Pasadena

Bitch do you know How nice it is out here Yeah it's ridiculous Isn't it So there's parts of the world Where the apocalypse exists It's going on right now You know

I did a gig in Estonia Country dropper About a month and a half ago And it's really cool up there. It's right underneath Finland. It's the second least religious country in the world after China.

It looks like Hitler's wet dream up there. Everybody's just tall and blonde and really good looking. Skype was developed in Estonia apparently. Really interesting cool people and very intelligent and really good looking. Skype was developed in Estonia, apparently. And really interesting, cool people and very intelligent people. It was awesome to perform there.

What was the point of this story? It doesn't matter. Estonia was awesome. There's no religion. That's the second least religious country in the world. In the main square in Estonia, there was this church choir of young teenagers. And they were singing happy praise Jesus songs. And somebody gave me a pamphlet, and they were going to the church.

And I'm filming stuff constantly in my travels because I'm obsessed with making these little YouTube travel videos and stuff. What's your channel? King of Ha Ha. King of Ha Ha. Just search Tom Rhodes. It'll pop up. R-H-O-D.

And these kids were from Pasadena. They're like, I couldn't believe it. They were from Pasadena and Baptist church or whatever. And they were in Estonia? Estonia, converting souls, singing. Whoa, also they were missionaries. Singing happy Jesus songs in the main square. We had a kid on the Fear Factor once that was a missionary,

and he would go over to South America and try to convert people. Yeah. Like they would go there. He was a Mormon, a Mormon missionary. Kind of crazy. That's tough. Show up in really poor places. Listen, I know you live in a really hot jungle,

but would you consider wearing these underwear? I want to tell you about a man named Joseph Smith. He was 14 years old, and he found golden tablets that were the lost work of Jesus, and only he could read them because he had a magic rock. Wasn't there a talking lizard? No, there was a seer stone. He looked through a seer stone, a stone, a magic stone. I thought there was a talking lizard, too.

Like a white salamander or something. Really? Maybe. Maybe that, too. But they were the lost works of Jesus. Didn't the Mormons believe that black people did not go to heaven until they got an NBA team? What?

Yeah. Is that true? Apparently. I'll tell you what. Yeah, until, like, the mid-'70s, they... Mormons are really nice people. That's one of the things that their religion does do, is it supports a sense of community.

It supports banding together and helping each other. The Mormons I know are extremely good quality people. I have some friends that are Mormons, and they're wealthy. You have never met more charitable people. They've literally had homeless people stay on their property. And they're wealthy people. They bring in people off the street. They're constantly trying to provide anyone who's connected with the church

with a means to a better life. They give people jobs. They help people out. They drive people to the airport. I mean, they're super charitable, nice people. Right, and I think that genealogy library of Congress they have in Salt Lake City is like the most comprehensive tracking of ancestry on the planet. It's too bad you can't have that, have this idea of being a Mormon, without all the loony-toony shit.

It's like, can't we just have a sense of community, being cool to each loony toony shit it's like can we just have like a sense of community being cool to each other nice to each other and all be based on love and not have all this wacky Joseph Smith from 1820 shit where it's like what golden tablets no that this is not the American Indians are not a lost tribe of Israel no they're not that's crazy like they already checked they've done like like a who was a Mormon spent a fuckload of money to get the DNA mapped of the American Indian. It's all, they're Asians. They come from, it's all coming down from the Bering Strait. It's amazing that they can test DNA and tell where all of your ancestry comes from and what parts of the world.

It's amazing. Did you see that shit they found in Antarctica? Did you see this shit, Brian? No. They found a fucking rainforest under the ice in Antarctica. Wow, really? Santa's workshop? Yeah.

Dude, Antarctica used to be a goddamn rainforest. Oh, that's awesome. Oh, wow. I wonder if they're going to find any animals there that are frozen. Well, I mean, you're talking about miles of ice. I mean, I think they're just starting to dig into certain spots on it. I'm going to try to find it here because it's a really amazing story. But they're saying that it used to be like 75 fucking degrees there.

It was like Pacific Northwest. It was like fucking, you know, it was like living in Oregon or Seattle or something like that. And that this was what Antarctica was like a certain amount of time ago. or something like that. And that this was what Antarctica was like a certain amount of time ago. It's amazing when you really stop to think about that, that people were probably living there at some point in time.

You know, like primitive people, no doubt. And then they had to get the fuck out of there. The whole thing changed way before anybody invented cars, way before any of that shit. Yeah, it says we're once covered by lush vegetarian with palm-like trees waved in the breeze. Yeah, what?

That's fucking nuts, man. I mean, wrap your fucking head around that. I need to visit the little podcaster's room. Get in there, fella. Go down there and to the left. Last door on the left. That's cool. Yeah, it's amazing, man.

But I think they suspected this. A lot of scientists suspect this. We actually talked about this on the Ice House Chronicles. The maps. They have these really old maps from like the 1500s. I forget the name of the map, but there's a map of Antarctica. It's completely unexplained. Hold on a second.

Ancient map of Antarctica. By the way, Brody Stevens' new TV show on HBO Go comes out August 6th. And if everyone just downloads it and watches it, Brody. Give Brody some love. But I think we're in it. Oh, really? Oh, that's right. From Brody Darra Podcast.

Yeah, so they came here. And they also used a lot of footage from when I used to Ustream with him right before his meltdown. So I think they used a lot of that stuff. Oh, the crazy stuff? Yeah. Beautiful. It's called Brody Stevens Enjoy It. Pull up Ancient Map of Antarctica. Pull that shit up. There's a Google image search. It's amazing.

Antarctica. See, there's a lot of shit about the past that we probably don't know. I mean, how much do we really know about anything more than 10,000 years old? Not a lot. There's a lot of fucking sketchy information out there when it comes to the history of humanity. But this map, I believe it's from the 1500s. Let me do a Google image search. Yeah, that's, uh.

Yeah, I believe it's from the 1500s. Straight up Indiana Jones. It's a complete mystery because we didn't discover Antarctica until I believe it was the 1800s. Because it was just completely frozen. It covered in ice. But these motherfuckers from the 1500s had a correct map of the outline of Antarctica. They knew where it was. They knew what it looked like.

Fucking nuts, man. We don't know how. I think there's a lot of this shit. They're too arrogant with their placing of the time that history was invented and the time that civilization was invented. I think they got a little stuck on their timeline, and now shit is shifting really, really radically far back. and now shit is shifting really radically far back.

A recent discovery in Africa, I think they pushed the start of civilization back another 20,000 years. It's pretty nuts, man. Just time to think about how fucking long ago that was. It was nothing. Blink of an eye. That to this. That to Tom Rhodes on the internet right now And performing At the Ice House Comedy Club

Here in lovely Downtown Pasadena Icehousecomedy.com For tickets Tomroads.net Powerful Tom Rhodes Powerful Where are you based

Out of now? These shoes I don't live anywhere I've had everything In storage for like Six years And just travel constantly Wow

That's weird That's nuts I like it You travel with your wife? Yeah she travels with me Oh that's badass yeah she's she's in holland right now uh when we um she's european so to get the green card you had to she couldn't leave the country for a year and then um i just did two months all over europe and she was with me and so she's visiting her mommy, working on her stuff. And so you just go.

You guys don't have a house anywhere? No. You know, like last year, I spent a month in Asia. There's great tours all over Asia right now. And then we spent a month in Australia, four months in Europe. And then we'll take a little trip. Like we had a couple weeks off when we were in Asia. We went to Bali.

She doesn't give you a hard time? Like, can we just get an apartment? Can we, I want a place to put my shoes. No, that was always it. I was like, you know, going through these relationships that didn't work out. I was always like,

God, why can't I find a woman that likes to travel and sleep late and laugh a lot? And I found her. That's awesome, man. She's great. And she's a photographer so she's just

looking for art everywhere and she's awesome. She's fun. It really is all about finding human beings that you're compatible with. You're better because of them. They're better because of you. You pump each other up. So many people get in that negative fucking relationship loop and it's so common

with comedians. It's almost like a cliche. Right, right, right. So it's cool to hear a guy like you who's living this crazy life of travel, but yet you're very happy. You know, it's nice to hear that when you find someone that's compatible. Yeah, she's an amazing human being. And she loves comedy. And she loves hanging out with comedians. And yet she still hangs out with you.

Hey! Come on, it was there. I gotta take it. I gotta take it. I gotta take it! Lady! Which, you know, it's awesome. So it's never like, oh, can we leave now? It's always, she loves hanging out with comedians.

She loves the jokes and the creativity, and she's a great laugher. It's amazing when you look back at your life and all the people that you could have wound up with, isn't it? I'm so glad I waited. Yeah? I'm so glad I waited. Yeah, I'm so glad I waited. And they're probably glad that you waited, too, because you became a different person along the way. You know, you evolved along the way. I mean, if you met this chick now when you were 20, you might have fucked it up.

Right, right, right. That's what I always look about. But if you look back at some of the relationships that you were in and some of the shit that you tolerated, you're like, oh, what? You would roll the dice. You meet someone. They're pretty cute. You have a conversation.

You get a phone number. You make a date. You try to be cool with each other. You don't even know how crazy they are until you're three months in and you've been fucking around without a condom for two months. You don't even really know how crazy she is. Right. It's always the crazy girls that are the cyclones in the sack, man. I remember I was with this girl, and she was nothing but a headache

and just wanted to argue about such minuscule shit all the time. But she was a butthole licker. Oh, Jesus. And you will stay in a bad relationship two years longer than you should for a girl who like tongues your anus. Was she like picky about when to do it or was she like right after the ball? No, it was always, no, no, no, no. After the shower?

No, no. It was always, it was a timely surprise that she knew how to deal out. A timely surprise. Did you like shave your ass for her i know if you knew she was you let it go harry wow how clean does it ever really get i mean how much are you washing down there that you're allowing that girl to lick your ass like that why i was i was scrubbing pretty ruthlessly when i wouldn't be trusting my hairs down there that's like that's like saying here wash your face with this washcloth that I've been

shitting into for the past 30 years. Yeah, fuck that. But I cleaned it really good. Those hairs, who knows how long those hairs will cling to your asshole. That's terrible, man. That's a really terrible choice. You took my romantic story and turned it into a little dingleberry festival.

It is funny how you look back on, especially when I get really high, that's when it really jolts me when I really start thinking about, like, girls that I dated, like, 20 years ago or whatever. You really start thinking, like, how insane, like, those, like, really young, early relationships were,

how ridiculous they were, you know? And what a strange thing it is, especially back then, when you would run into people, you would try to figure them out. Is this going to we can did up nope gotta go run and then get away from and then there was no fucking text messaging there was no email it was like that was it you take care gone i know and skype is the greatest invention in the world now Now it's like, you know, traveling. You remember how expensive it used to be to make a phone call from a hotel room to call your mom or your girlfriend?

Right, especially if you're international. And now, you know, God, you can talk for hours for free on Skype and look at each other. Well, it's weird, right? It's incredible. What a weird world we live in. It's a wonderful world. And it's just the beginning. It's just the beginning.

When these Google glasses go live Have you seen these fucking things? People walking around with glasses The information's in front of them Like the Terminator Yeah, you know I've had everything in storage For six years

Here in Los Angeles Because that was the last place That I lived And What do you have in storage? Well, that's what I was gonna say Is I can't wait to get everything Out of storage

To see what electronics I've been hanging on to Do you know like The technological leap That we've made In the last six years see what electronics I've been hanging on to. Do you know the technological leap that we've made in the last six years? I think I've got a Sony Walkman. I think I've got an answering machine. Who fucking has an answering machine anymore? I love going through my old answering machine tapes.

I don't know if you can find one. I saved a bunch of... Because I had one where you could do the cassette thing, and I would take it out and change it all. I think I've got like 10 or 20. Go through it. I just recently went through some of mine. It was amazing.

Listen, a couple of people were dead in it, you know, like my grandmother and stuff. I'm like, wow, this is crazy. I didn't even know I had this. Yeah. I used to have a buddy of mine who died a voicemail message from when i listened to over and over and over again it's a weird thing that you could record someone's voice when they're dead long gone they can have an impact on you like music listen to hendrickson yeah like my father died and i wish i would have you know i wish i'd have saved all of his voice messages. My sister died last year of breast cancer,

and I did a podcast interview with her like six months before she died. And I'm so glad that I recorded it because it's great to hear her laugh and the way that she, the way she expressed herself and her humor and her vibrancy. And it's like,

I think we should do that with everybody you love. You got the technology. And I'm so glad that I have her voice recorded on this conversation. Yeah. Yeah. It's a weird thing to think that someone could just not be there anymore. You know, someone that you love so much and you maybe feel like you didn't get a chance to say that to them. Yeah. You got to say that to people all the time man people just appreciated people more there's these things that people use to take called ordeal poisons and uh they would take them in in indigenous areas that didn't really have access to psychedelics and their

ritual their coming of age ritual would involve these ordeal poisons and you know their their shamanic rituals would involve this stuff and what it does is it's like some chemical that almost fucking kills you. Almost kills you. It just fucks you sideways for a couple of days. And then when it's over, you feel so grateful that you're healthy again. That you've changed your life.

Well, there's nothing like almost dying to make you appreciate living. I almost drowned in Thailand once scuba diving. Really? Yeah. What happened? It was bad equipment. It was this French resort

and this tattooed criminal scumbag diving instructor from Montpellier, Philippe. And there was a reason why he was hanging out in the Phi Phi Islands in Thailand. You could just smell the cocaine criminal past on this guy. Really? And he was the diving instructor. And then there was a French girl, Helene.

She worked at Bordeaux International Airport for Air France at the ticket counter. And she was my diving partner. And oh, my God, this is going to be perfect. I was single at the time. This is going to be love. Helene. And Philippe also had a crush on this girl. So every day.

So anyone who's ever been diving has to study a book for a week before they get in the water. I didn't. The morning of my first dive, I sat with a very hungover Philippe, and he went over the hand signals with me. This means I cannot breathe. This means I have a love of air. A love of air. Okay, I'm underwater. Oxygen is precious. No, this means you are low of air. Let's get it right, Frenchie. And so anyway, every morning or every day his underwater flirting was outrageous. He'd push me aside and be showing this girl around and I'm in the background.

Was this a girl you were with? No, no, no, no, no. She was my diving buddy. Oh, okay. It just worked out. But he didn't know that. He knew. He just fucking pushed me aside.

Threatened your manhood. You're grouped up. Yeah, and then so like... Challenged you. He's saying shit to me throughout the week. He just keeps fucking with me. Please. We had all like talked about what we did, it was a French, an English couple, Mark and Mara, and they were, they had

lived in Paris for five years, so they spoke fluent French, and so we all talked, and he was like a stock trader, and I told him that I was working for this Dutch travel TV show. And so he keeps calling me, Mr. Television, please, Mr. Television, your buoyancy, please. Like anybody who's been diving, you know, you just touch those buttons. Professional divers never use their hands and they're like a perfect parallel. And everything, Mr. Television,

he's just yelling at me. And the morning that I almost died, he was really a dick to me. I said, look, Philippe, I've got to tell you, you're making me feel uncomfortable. I've got to trust you. Down there, he goes, Mr. American, have I hurt your feelings? Maybe

the Al-Qaeda has asked me to leave your body in the ocean today. Then this English guy, Mark, gets all, you are out of order, sir. To him or to you? To the French guy. And it was this, you know, almost, you know, it was this really uncomfortable. And the other guy was a?

He was defending me. But he was a resident as well? I mean, he was a. He was in the diving class. There's four people in the class, this English couple and me and this French chick, Helene. And so we're paired up in twos. So you went in the water anyway, even after all this? Well, yeah.

And then it was like this, I'm getting water in my breathing. Do you think he fucked with you? I don't know. He might have, though, right? I mean, it just seems... I don't think so. They said there was something wrong with the tank. And in retrospect, it was Russian roulette and I got the bad tank.

And so my spare tube is getting water. I'm hitting the button and I'm still getting water and your lungs don't want water. And it was like, it wasn't that deep. It was only like 40 feet. But it was deep enough to be dangerous. I knew you couldn't shoot up to the top. And he's way ahead of me. And I swam to this French fuck as quick as I could.

And who'd have thought I ever would have got to use the I cannot breathe signal. as quick as I could, and who'd have thought I ever would have got to use the I cannot breathe signal. And he just seemed to really take his time getting me that extra respirator. And by the time it hit my mouth, I had held my breath for so long, I was just, this death bark came out of me. It was the sound of someone dying, and it came out of me. And I really thought this is the last moment of my life, seeing all these bubbles and this French guy's face.

And he got me to the top, obviously. And then he asked to take, when we got back, he invited me to go into the little village and have a beer. And I told him, you know, I learned true buoyancy today. Because it's all about true buoyancy and diving. I said, this morning when you said that shit about Al-Qaeda, I wanted you dead. I hated your guts. But then you saved my life, and now all's forgiven.

Wow. I learned the true meaning of true buoyancy. That's intense. How did he respond to that? He was okay with it. He was okay with it? It wasn't like a powerful moment between you guys i mean he saved your fucking life yeah i mean he i think he was glad that i didn't die because it would have cost him his job that's it and uh he you know it was okay it was a nice

moment do you think he was a hardened dude you feel like he's a hardened guy he had been in he had been in prison in france there was a reason. Really? Yeah, he had like these homemade jailhouse tattoos. And, you know, he was just a tough guy. That doesn't sound like a tough guy. He sounds like a douchebag. He was a douchebag.

I got back to the resort and by the water there was this little tiki hut bar and Helene was there and she spoke four words of English. I spoke four words of French.

And I'm making small talk with her and I go making small talk with her, and I go, so what's the first thing you're going to do when you get back to Bordeaux? She goes, make love to my boyfriend. Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee. I was like, oh shit.

I didn't even have a chance with this girl. I risked my life. Jesus Christ. What is the second thing you're going to do? There is no second thing. Hee hee hee hee hee. Ew. I almost died for you whore wow

are we trying to impress her is that why you went deep yeah you know when you're on vacation your mind plays tricks on you like oh yeah so you were on vacation with this girl but there was no no no no no no no no i was doing this hong Kong, Thailand tour, and I was working for the Dutch travel show. And they told me if I got certified diving while I was in Thailand, the next assignment they would send me to the Caribbean. Oh. So I had two weeks off, stayed on Koh Phi Phi, this wonderful little island way out in the bay of bengal you fly like an hour and a half from bangkok to phuket and then you take a boat in the for like four hours out into the bay of bengal before you get to the pp islands wow and it's where like uh around that area is where uh leonardo

dicaprio did the beach a great movie i like that movie was it really yeah i really like that what was it about? a guy almost drowned in the Thailand no they what they were they're in paradise they don't want to leave yeah they swam to this island they found like these people

that lived on this island and it was like a secret and then they it's you know it's just a it's a cool movie I tend to always like

Leonardo movies even though it's gay as it sounds but like Basketball Diaries Inception like all those movies. It's a great actor. Match in the gas tank.

Boom, boom. Gilbert, great. What a great movie. Did you see the J. Edgar Hoover? No, I never saw that. Interesting. Not really that. I mean, it's a really fascinating study on a guy who just had an incredible amount of power

and kept it to the end, just clung on to it. It's interesting to see the struggle and his weird problems you know accepting the fact that he was gay and really weird fucking guy man the fact that that guy somehow or another rose to the the position of like the secret keeper in the world of politics really fucking kind of creepy yeah you know the the system was so shitty that this creepy cunt could fucking, he could be the one pulling everybody's strings. Like, what did you do? How did this guy get there? They never offed him either.

He had secrets on everybody. They never offed him, you know. And it became, it must have been madness at the end. It must have been like this guy must have had shit stored all over the place. Oh, everybody. Secret instructions in case they killed him, in case he was in a plane crash or some shit.

All these manila envelopes get sent out. Yeah, I mean, that's probably the only way to stay alive. You got some secrets about people like that and some high order

secret society shit. Well, apparently, that's how Putin rose to power because he was in the KGB for years. And apparently, that's what I heard about Putin. Really?

That he had shit on everybody. He makes our fucking politicians look like such pussies. He's always bare-chested, fly-fishing with a fucking sword tucked into his pants. At least you see Obama

without a shirt on, you know, body surfing in Hawaii and stuff. There's been shots of, you know, it's cool. You know,

a guy looks like he could still kick a little ass. I think Putin would fuck Obama. You'll never see Romney with his shirt off. You don't think that Putin would fuck Obama and Romney up at the same time? Oh, my God, totally. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He would hip toss the first guy, and after he hip tossed Mitt Romney, Obama would panic.

He wouldn't know what to do. Yeah, and he's a judo guy. Black belt. And, you know, he learned some deadly shit in the kgb you know he's killed people with rocks yeah you look at that guy's face that guy's killed people with rocks he's probably killed people with forks you know what i mean he's that's a motherfucker that's one of the um craziest things about russia is that that guy somehow or another stays in power still in power they have this weird thing where he like wasn't in office anymore, but then he was like,

he had another position. He became the Prime Minister or something like that. He's kind of still running shit. Very strange. Russia's a different world, man. How about Romney fucking up, pissing off all of England? What did he do? You didn't see that? What? He went, like, right before the

Olympics, he said he had seen some disconcerting things that he was worried whether or not that what he went like right before the olympics he said he had seen some disconcerting uh things that he was worried whether or not the london olympics would be a success and pissed off david cameron uh the prime minister of england is he's in the conservative party which you think that would be his ally they're more like the republicans they're like the same kind of people right and david cameron bitch slapped him, and he said, London is one of the biggest, largest, bustling cities in the world. He said, it's easy to put on an Olympics in the middle of nowhere,

meaning Salt Lake City, you, Mitt Romney, punk. And just like bitch slapped him on the world stage. I guess that's a bitch slap. It's about the Olympics. Who gives a fuck? It seems silly. What I think is fascinating, really fascinating about this guy is that he might not have paid taxes for 10 years.

Right. I love that the Democrats are playing that old Republican dirty game that was always the Republicans did the dirty ads and shit. The Democrats, I love that ad where Romney's singing America the Beautiful off key, and then they show he's got his money in the Bahamas

and the Cayman Islands. He cares so much about the United States that he keeps his money off foreign shore. It becomes a problem, though, when you really accept the fact that the guy is a businessman. I'm not saying that what he did wasn't unethical. But if it was legal, they're sort of obligated by their shareholders to do the things that profit them the most. As long as it's within the legal parameters and whatever.

Right, but personal taxes. There was a – on like POTUS on Sirius, I heard a Romney speech like six months or I don't know, whenever his taxes just came out, three months ago, whatever that was. And some guy stood up at his speech and said, on your personal taxes, it says you've got $1.6 million invested in foreign countries outside of the United States. Why isn't that money being invested in the United States if you care so much about it? And he goes, oh, well, I was unaware of that. I'll have to look into that. If you're unaware of 1.6 million fucking dollars...

That shit's ridiculous. You know Romney's desperate because his new campaign slogan is, Mitt Romney, he's not the black guy. Oh, how dare you work the material into the show. How dare you, sir. How dare you. I think it's ridiculous.

I think this is the biggest shell game ever. We're still playing it. We're still suckers pretending there's a real election going on. Same fucking companies are paying his campaign and Obama's. There's a lot of cross-campaigning. It's a bribery. We've passed laws. The Supreme Court

has completely failed us and they've passed laws that allow these corporations to donate as much money as they like. They act as an individual. They can make massive donations, and that affects law. And that's just the way it is. Was it Will Durst? Some comedian a few years ago said that politicians

should be like race car drivers. They should wear their corporate sponsors. Yeah, that is hilarious. I think that was Durst. It might have been. It sounds like him. Yeah. It's genius. It is, was Durst. It might have been. It sounds like him. Yeah. It's genius.

It is. It's true. It's nonsense. I mean, when you feel like Dr. Drew got paid over $100,000 for, I think it was more than that, $200-something thousand dollars to promote certain antidepressants, to promote their off-shelf properties, like the fact that they make you hornier or something, they're better for sex. Like, you hear that, and you go, come on, really? You can't trust anybody.

You can't trust anybody? Is everybody getting paid off? Yeah. Is everybody getting paid off? As I hawk alpha brain at the beginning of my podcast. I swear to God, I wouldn't hawk it if I didn't make it. I just got a comment on my own. Isn't there anybody who's not for sale?

My own hypocrisy. I'll try to keep it as real as possible, ladies and gentlemen. It's very difficult. But that is real. No diet for you? No exercise? No vitamins? I just started doing the yoga.

I do vitamins. Do you? Multivitamins and shit? Fish oil is the shit. Take a lot of fish oil. It's amazing. Make your joints feel better. I take fish oil and a multivitamins and shit fish oil is the shit take a lot of fish oil yeah it's amazing make your joints feel better I take fish oil and a multivitamin

do you count down the days to the singularity when you can download yourself into a computer are you thinking about that for the future what's that

the singularity you don't know what you ever hear Ray Kurzweil any of that shit futurists that believe that artificial technology,

or artificial intelligence, rather, is going to be the next stage of existence. We're going to be able to download ourselves into machines. Nothing? I figured that to be right up your alley, man. Somebody mentioned that to me the other day, that we're living already in this virtual world, that there's some economist came out with some like secret computer code

in the 40s then we're already living in this and I was like a simulation it's called simulation theory it's been what I've been talking about with my friends me and Duncan get on the phone almost every other day and talk about simulation theory the thing is there's

Duncan Trussell that's who told me this that's who I was talking to. It was Duncan who told me. So perfect. I was like, wow, shit, I can't afford property in this world either. He and I discuss this all the time. And what it is is particle physicists, I believe it was, or whoever the fuck it was,

these string theory guys, they found some sort of very specific code in the nature of reality. You know like there's the Fibonacci sequence and that's like what faces are designed certain ways and sunflowers are designed certain ways. This is called the golden ratio I believe it's called. Or is that pi? Whatever it is, the Fibonacci sequence is a number sequence that exists in everything. It exists in pine cones, sunflower seeds, the way the petals of a flower blossom, the way the branches of a tree.

It's all to a very specific mathematical code. It's amazing. It's amazing when you really stop and look at the fact that, wow, this might really be some crazy one and zero program. But Duncan is obsessed with it, as am I. We talk about it every day. I mean, people get pissed we talk about it so much on the podcast because it becomes like almost a repetitive topic but it's still fascinating still to me i could talk about it 100 days in a row and it still fucking tweaks my head because it's gonna be real someday someday if you if look if you believe that

tvs didn't used to exist at one point in time and someone invented it, that mind-blowing change is just one step in an infinite process of constant technological reinvention, innovation, new shit constantly coming down at an ever-escalating pace. If one day we can envision virtual reality, we easily could be in it already. You're not going to know. That would suck. If you wanted to live this fake life and you would have tabs to quit X here, like little floating tabs in your life where you could put, you would never think about the life being real anymore.

You wouldn't even really like it or appreciate it. You can't have the tabs. You can't have a way out. It's all in. It can't have the tabs. You can't have a way out. It's all in. It's all in the simulation. Or not. Maybe it's just horseshit. Maybe it's just hippie nonsense while you wait for the end. She brought that kid

that got shot in the backseat of a car. The cops handcuffed him and shot him in the head. They said he shot himself. Yeah. Yeah. Is that the one in Anaheim? No. No, this is Is that the one in Anaheim? No, no, this is a new one. The Anaheim, they've got fucking military in, uh, in the street arresting people, shooting rubber bullets at people, arresting people. It's crazy. They're wearing camouflage. It's, it's real bizarre. It seems very strange when you see them. It's

a, there's a whole different thing when you see them wearing this Iraq desert military camouflage. Why are you wearing desert camouflage in Anaheim? What the fuck is... Happiest place in the world, that's why. But it's almost like you're wearing your gang colors. You're letting everybody know this is the military. This is our gang color. We'll wear sand camouflage.

Right. I think it's the future. When I lived in Amsterdam, I guess 2002, when the second Iraq war was just about to start, there was this massive anti-war protest on Museum Plain, this big piece of green grass by the museum's museum square. And all these people, like thousands of people were out there and from every direction at one point like it was some people started throwing bottles there was a few uh you know knucklehead hooligans who were throwing bottles and then all of a sudden from every direction of this massive square about the size of a football field. So you've got like six different streets coming into this rectangular big grass area.

And from all six directions, and I've never seen vehicles like this in my life, these gray military vehicles came busting in and everybody's just running like rats. Like tank-looking things? Like tank-looking things. And they had water cannons on the top and these water cannons were like just spraying people and shooting them knocking people down

like you know alabama uh in the 60s birmingham uh you know the fire hoses on people and i was like wow that's the future where they can just come in with these military vehicles and just spray people. They don't even have to kill them. What the fuck, though? Really? Yeah, in Amsterdam. That's crazy. So Amsterdam's a nutty-ass fucking place.

They have the best kickboxers pretty much ever. Even better than the Thai guys because they're bigger people. I mean, if you wanted to compare it, the Thais certainly have the more skilled practitioners, but they're really lighter guys. But they've had guys that have done really well and gone over there from Amsterdam, even the lighter weights, and compete and beat in the Thais.

But Amsterdam is super famous for kickboxing. Holland in general, super famous for kickboxing. One area developed some of the best kickboxers of all time. All the big top name heavyweights, a huge amount of them came from Holland. Remy Bonchowski, Ernesto Hoost. It's also one of the world's largest banking entities. Is it really?

That's the ultimate trick that the Dutch do. They want people to think it's all marijuana and tulips over there and prostitutes. But the Rolling Stones and U2, I think Coca-Cola, all these like corporations are based there. The Elvis Presley estate. So they can get these, you know, low tax rates and stuff. What kind of low tax rates are we talking about?

I don't know. Like Mitt Romney low? Time to move. Maybe time to move to Amsterdam. It gets cold there, dude. It gets cold there. But when global warming kicks in, that might be the spot. Yeah.

Right? When the oceans start to rise. Right? Well, and that's the thing. It's underwater. It's the lowlands. And that's why they have canals. So if the oceans rise, Holland will be nonexistent.

Have you seen the satellite images of Greenland? Mm-mm. Greenland, for the first time, has no snow on it. Wow. Look at this. See, pull the first time, has no snow on it. Wow. Look at this. See, pull that shit up, Brian. It's ridiculous. They haven't had this happen since, like, the 1800s, I don't think.

Greenland, and they're saying this is, like, one of the best signs that there really is some sort of global warming catastrophe that's about to happen. Well, if it already happened a couple hundred years ago, wouldn't that just mean it's like, oh, it's just happened again? Well, the idea is it is going to happen again, but we're going to have to figure out how to move around it. Like, look, did you see the pictures?

I'm looking at it right now. You pulled it out. I got it right here. So if you go to Google Images, the first image shows you the extent of the surface melt. It's pretty fucking crazy because Greenland is pretty much all covered in ice. Did you see the first one? If you go to Google Image, just Google Greenland melted.

Just Greenland melted. Yeah, the first one, the first one. Look at that. That's what it used to look like on the left. That's what it looks like now on the right. There's no snow. That's crazy. I mean, that's really hard to wrap your fucking head around, man.

And I don't think that happens very often. I think the idea is that that is pretty fucking rare. I like what the people in Iceland they named Greenland Greenland And Iceland Iceland So the Vikings would attack Greenland and not Iceland

Really? Yeah Did they really? Yeah, because Iceland is actually the greener area Is Iceland nice? And Greenland is more ice and stuff I've never been there But Iceland

But apparently they named it that way You know, to trick the Vikings So they wouldn't come up and rape their women. That's hilarious. But Iceland is the place... How cold is Iceland yet? I have no idea. What just happened in Iceland? Something just happened there, right?

They are the bankers. They're holding them accountable. Yes. There's the trial there. Yeah. And it doesn't get much media coverage in the United States because we don't want to give our citizens the idea that we should try bankers that fucking collapsed our system. They also had a Volcano Act. Yeah, that was like a year or two ago.

And all this volcanic ash went all over Europe and they had to cancel flights and stuff. Did you see that? It was crazy. It was a big dark cloud over it. It's like they were driving in volcanic snow. So they're holding the bankers accountable. That's what's going on over there? A few of them, yeah, are on trial.

Oh, man. Yeah, it's like you almost have to be a small European country to figure out how to do it completely correctly. It's like when you become as big as the United States is, it's like small European countries are really like states and it's like texas could probably be fine if it was left on its own you know i mean that's essentially how europe is there's european countries that are smaller than texas you know so they're the only ones that can really get it together like fucking control right well i think there's just a lot of people that don't give a shit in this country and that was what i found refreshing about the occupy movement it was like wow it's good to see that you know some people in this country are passionate enough to get out and protest.

Well, the youth, the people that don't have a lot invested already in the system. The real problem is once people get invested in the system and they have a mortgage and they have children to feed and credit card debt and student loans, boom. You're sucked in with your lease, your car payment. You're sucked in. And you've got to continue to at least feed your portion of the system. So that's all your motivation and energy is gone. Eight hours a day, you're gone. Eight hours a day, at least five days a week.

Six if you have any ambition at all, you piece of shit. And that's you. That's your life. And what are you going to do for the rest? You've got a couple hours left of the day where you're going to eat and catch your breath and jerk off and really probably barely get to the gym. I mean, there's no revolution time. So when you get these kids and they're 18 years old and they've got no future

and they're looking at the future and they're like, you know what? I saw this one kid that actually said that. He was like, I'm joining a revolution. He goes, I realized that I can't enter into a system that I have no faith in, so right out of college I'm just joining a revolution and I'm going to be a part of this movement. Hopefully it's not the Pepsi revolution. I don't think that's what he was talking about.

But you look at people in the 60s and 70s. They stopped Vietnam. Not really. It took a long-ass fucking time. And they had no other way to justify it anymore. And they stopped something that they created under false pretenses. They created a war. They faked a fucking incident to drag

us into it. Right, but that goes back to the Spanish-American War. There was an incident in the Havana Harbor in Cuba. Spain had Cuba and the Philippines and we said that some ship had been attacked of ours. I think it was the Bismarck. What year was this? I don't know.

We've always done that, right? And then so so, yeah. And then, so we went to war with Spain, and we got Cuba and the Philippines. Well, the really loony-toony people believe that this kid in Colorado is a government plant. I heard that. Well, did you see the photos of, like, looking at his nose from the original photo they posted? Like, his nose is, like, really thin. And then his, like, recent pictures pictures he's got like a spread out

nose that looks completely different and they're saying like his ears don't match the old photo and like all this weird yeah stupid stuff it's ridiculous i looked at the photos i'm like this is just the first they're not these aren't crystal clear photos like sometimes in photos things look odd and he's smiling in one your nose kind of stretches my nose flares but the uh the idea is that he was uh somehow or another brainwwashed and sent in there by the government so that they could take away our guns. This is the narrative. Is that, you know, from the really extreme Alex Jones type individuals.

Right. Who believe the government is constantly plotting to take away your guns and slowly. And, you know, he's right more than he's wrong, unfortunately. Alex Jones. Thank God there isn't alex jones i love the fact that there's this guy who is stirring up uh things and he's he's uh he's lifting up stones and saying let's look under there you know but he's finding like ghost worms and shit yeah i mean some of some of it's wacky but i i i appreciate alex jones i i i like what he's doing. I do, too. And we both know him.

He's a great guy. Yeah, he's awesome. He's a great guy. I love hanging out with him. He's a great guy. He actually just sent me a text today. I'm not name-dropping or nothing, but I'm like that with Alex Jones. I look at any text that comes from him, I'm like, hello, government.

I'm pretty sure you're reading this one. You're not going to get anything too interesting out of me but alex jones might send you some interesting stuff fucking guy man he'll uncover everything constantly all day every day and never take days off but he he believes i know how does he come up with all this information it's incredible well on the internet he's got a whole crew of people working for him in austin he's got a like a whole big office staffed full of young killers you know young people that are like hungry and want to be down with the cause they're all working with him he's not an empire now alex jones has a gigantic like sort of

underground media empire he's uh he couldn't be doing any better than he's doing i mean it's like more the more and more his uh shit comes out and turns out to be true the more people just are at least paying attention to him you might not believe with everything he has to say because sometimes he does go deep but at least they're paying attention to him because he's you know did you see the shit that he predicted about or there was a video called 911 road to tyranny and he had uh he showed how governments have created chaos in sort of peaceful situations in order to allow the police and riot gears to come in and clear out peaceful demonstrations. And I had never thought that that was real. I thought, like, that's crazy.

But he showed it, and it showed evidence, photographs of these people wearing military-grade boots, these cops that were dressed up like hooligans that would smash windows. And they were sent in there, employees of the federal government sent in there to cause havoc and wreck private property so that they could bring in cops and close down the peaceful protests of the World Trade Organization. And it's nuts. You watch it and you go, well, you can't deny this. This is something you can't deny. These are the facts. Those guys did do do that the cops did negotiate with them they were released no charges were filed they really did break up the protest they really did stop people

from wearing pins that's that had protests on them they had a wto with a red line on it and they established a line where you could not come through with that pin on. They established a no protesting line, even in what you were wearing. That's some communist fucking North Korea type shit, man. You can't even have a WTO pin with a red line through it.

I have to, like, say, even if I'm saying nothing, I have to subscribe to your ideology or I can't get through. I can't even protest in the form of a pin. That anybody would allow that. That is the most dangerous mind, the most dangerous mindset that our government could ever have.

That you can't even just have a red line through this idea of a WTO. I can't get to work. I can't go into my room. Really. Alex Jones. He uncovered all that shit. So for people that don't believe it, I'm like, there's a lot of stuff that guy gets that's right.

Right. Undisputable. The fucking Oklahoma City shit, that's some of the scariest stuff ever, man. When he goes deep into the mysteries behind Oklahoma City, the damage that was done by that fertilizer bomb, the video of the FBI pulling unblown bombs out of the building. It's crazy.

Conspiracies are nuts, man. It's such a mind fuck to think there's so many people out there conspiring to do creepy shit and you've got to break each one down decades later

and still try to figure out who killed Kennedy. How the fuck did they do it? What happened? Oklahoma City, no fertilizer bomb could do that kind of damage. It could mind fuck you into a state of paralysis where you can't get anything done,

where all you're doing is thinking about thermite in 9-11. Fucking thermite, cut through these beams. How did Tower 7 fall, man? How did Tower 7 fall? You? How did Tower 7 fall? You could lose your whole life in that shit. Right. But then again,

someone's got to bring it up. Right? Keep these bastards on their toes, Joe. Does it work? Does it work, Tom Rose? I don't know. Do you think... Is there anything that is going to keep tyranny on its toes

other than exposing it, other than information? I think as we lose all of our privacy, that's what's eventually going to happen. That's the thing. I think it's naturally going to happen because it's just so hard to keep things suppressed anymore. Yeah, it's hard to fuck people over when everybody's going to know everything that everybody's doing all the time. That's what the reality is. The future is going to have no privacy.

Yeah, just Twitter alone fucking destroyed that. Joe Rogan's at the Olive Garden with an Asian girl. You had to say it, you motherfucker. Olive Garden,

you son of a bitch. Seven, seven, seven, seven. Brian is on an Asian kick lately. When you reference a girl, it's always an Asian girl. Any bit you have. So they were there with an Asian girl.

I'm trying new Asian material. I know. Everything is all Asian these days. The kid's. So they were there with an Asian girl. I'm trying new Asian material. I know. Everything is all Asian these days. The kid's wacky. The kid's wacky. I have this new theory that I told you about the other day

and I talked about it more last night with a couple other people about how my friend, she's Japanese and I've been trying to talk as if I'm talking Japanese. Like doing like

my impersonation of a Japanese person. So I'm talking Japanese, like doing like my impersonation of a Japanese person. So I'm going like, and then every couple sentences she goes, oh, you just said a real word. You said, you know, apple or you said taco. And I'm like, wow, that's weird. I wonder if like I do Chinese, if I'm like, and they're like, you know, that's apple, you know, that you just said a real Chinese word. And that's just our impersonation of that, that, you know, that's Apple. You just said a real Chinese word. And that's just our impersonation of that, you know, almost our racist version of what we think they sound like.

But yet there's some truth to it. And so then I asked my Asian friend, I'm like, what do people that don't speak English, like what's their version of an English person? Is it just like, you know, like is it our retard sound or something? Well, don't you remember that song? Do you remember that song that the Italian guy had put out? He was a famous Italian singer, and he put out a song that was his version of like us doing Italian. Like I don't know how to speak Italian.

So if I was like, if I was making up words, that's what he did, but he did it in what American sounds to him. Pull that up, man. I think it's how the American language sounds. Here, I'll Google it real quick. I think as Tom Rhodes got a little baby bladder. Look at that.

A huge cocaine addiction. How American English sounds. Sounds. Yeah. Singer. Ribbit. Sounds to foreigners foreigners How American English That's it

What American English sounds to foreigners And then go to videos And go to videos And you see the top one There's a black and white one Click on that shit That's this guy It's really a badass song

Joey Diaz got mad I think we, yeah, I think we, yeah, maybe. Yeah, yeah, turn it up. Come mai è scritto una canzone con delle strane parole che non dicono niente? Whoa, what happened? Breeze and cold in the night's usual. You're the cold mage who say one breeze and cold in the night's usual. All right! These are all fake words.

This is actually pretty badass. This is the guy pretending to speak. You've got to listen to this. It's fucking badass. What is this, Italian? Yeah, it's... No, it's not. It's gibberish.

It's him trying to do... No, but is this Italian television? It's what... His version of what America sounds like. That's so crazy. You don't come and not choose, not buy, but not show. All the hobbits get in love,

but come in no time. All the divas just stand and light the shoes of government. You've accustomed to the magic called the radio girls. These bitches are hot as fuck. Yeah, that's not... Smart move, man. Just put a bunch of hot bitches dancing.

Right. Great production. Listen to this. This is the cool part. They actually had, lyrics What is this dude's name? Adriano Salitano Yeah he was apparently

a famous guy in Italy it's pretty badass yeah that's really cool and that's exactly what I was talking about like I didn't really know if that even existed because you know you always hear the like on TV and stuff you always hear like the version of a Chinese person or you know an

African's just a bunch of clicking noises and stuff but like you don't know what English sounds like and it makes me wonder like you could tell that he had a couple words in there that were like all right and stuff like that yeah but uh but it's really weird trying to play that game and trying to find japanese like words like i've almost made it a game where i'm just like all right all right i'm gonna do this uh you know and then she'll be like oh you just said good morning and shoelaces and i'm like wow that's so weird it makes me almost wonder if it's somewhere built in your brain that you actually know it no you're getting lucky and making up fake words there's only a certain amount of chinese sounds you can make with your mouth

that's funny yeah well the language is very bizarre that like the Germans have such an you know, it's like, what causes these different like harsh sounds? Right,

and like France is, you know, borders it and they speak a different language completely. Yeah. It's incredible.

Yeah, it's bizarre. When she speaks Japanese to you, is it kind of trippy? Yeah, it's super weird. It's kind of hot, right Yeah, it's super weird. It's kind of hot, right? It's crazy.

I think... Yorishi? Yorishi. What is he going to do? Are you happy? Yeah. If you were going to learn a language, that's a rough one. Just getting into the character thing again. Anything Spanish or semi-European

would probably be fairly easy for us to wrap our heads around. In all these different countries I've gone to, I've asked people, how do you say, are you happy? Like in Dutch, it's, ben je gelukkig? In Japanese, it's, you're richy? I think that's the one question I want to ask people when I'm in a different country. It's a good question. Are you happy? Did you learn Dutch when you lived in Holland?

Klein beetje, meneer. Heel mooi navend, huh? I don't know what that means. Just asking a you don't gotta get uh no not not fluently i just know basic like cordial things but you were living there right did you feel the need like you know uh they are really strict on uh brown skin foreigners learning the language uh if you're white i guess they they're not as strict. Brown-skinned foreigners, they don't want to learn Dutch? Yeah, like a lot of Moroccan people live there, and they're really tough on them.

Really? You've got to learn the language. But, yeah, no, I got by. Oh, I see what you're saying. So they hold them more accountable. They hold dark-sk hold them more accountable they hold they hold dark-skinned immigrants more accountable than a moroccan's like known to be like wild is that the deal well it's interesting their breakdown they're kind of like um our american uh black

youth where they get blamed for everything the teenage boys get blamed for all the crime. And it's, you know, they're, you know, typical gang bangers. But it's like immediate perception. They get, they're the shit on people there. Do you know who Badr Hari is? You ever heard of him? Famous Holland guy. He's a kickboxer. Like one of the best kickboxers in the world.

Keeps getting, he's a Moroccan guy. Keeps getting arrested for beating people up. He's like heavyweight kickboxing champion and fucksboxers in the world. He's a Moroccan guy. He keeps getting arrested for beating people up. He's a heavyweight kickboxing champion and fucks people up on the street. Nice. Oh, him fucking people. I meant nice that he's such a great fighter. And then he's from Holland, and then he's Moroccan.

Moroccans are known to be wild folks? No. I mean, you know, they get kind of blamed for crime and things there. But yeah, there's some Moroccans that are badasses. Did you feel overall safer there or here? I had like a dream existence there. You know, I lived there for a love story first, and then I was on television for a few years. And I really got to experience Dutch culture

like even a lot of Dutch people don't. Like, I had this magic passport on the country. My favorite thing about the talk show was every episode I would make a five-minute film on Dutch culture where I would get to experience something of Dutch culture. Like, I spent a day with a Dutch farmer once. I walked into an electric fence. He said, look out for the electric fence in Dutch.

I don't speak Dutch. I got to go to the... What did that feel like? Oh, it was an eye-opener. Yeah, it was jolting. I got to cover the prime minister debates. I was down on the floor talking to the prime minister. And they did it in English?

Well, I mean, their debates were in Dutch. I mean, I was there with a press pass after the debates. I got to ask questions. But I was given, you know, all these different tours of the red light district by a former prostitute that did a lot of social work for, you know, prostitutes so they get their health care and pay their taxes and stuff. So I had this really magical experience there. I did actually date a Moroccan woman there for a while. And it was interesting because she was a really developed European girl. But to her strict Muslim family, she was a different person.

So she put on an act. She could go out with me and have drinks and do non-Muslim activities but in front of her family. So she could never tell her family about me because honor killings. Honor killings? Really? I told her once,

why can't you tell your family about me? She said, well, I'm protecting you. She goes, I got some crazy cousins. I don't know what they're capable of. Whoa. That's some dangerous pussy, Tom Rhodes. Did you feel that sense of danger while you were in that? Did you feel that?

No, she was. Oh, you're making that one up. But that was a very typical Dutch story that this Moroccan girl is, you know, she's raised in Europe. She's a very liberal, open-minded person, but to her strict religious family, she was a different person. Those are the last holdouts. Those folks that want people to stick with their religion or stick with their race, those are the last holdouts of a dying generation of people that didn't want to assimilate.

I think once we achieve the next level of assimilation with technology, whatever it is, whatever's coming that's going to make Twitter look like fucking sketches written on a wall somewhere as opposed to HD definition television, whatever the next thing is going to be. It's going to bring us all slowly closer. My wife is from Holland, but she's Indian. Do you think that languages eventually will evolve to one language?

Well, I think we hit the lottery as far as languages go, especially if you're a comedian. There's all these great gigs all over the world, and English is the language of business. The way 300 years ago the worldwide language of business was French. If you had a global business, you had to do your stuff in French. Now it's English. Could you imagine, though, if the world spoke in one? I mean, that's the whole

idea about the Tower of Babel, right? It was designed that way to confuse us, to keep us from progressing. They gave us all a bunch of different languages. We all got baffled. We went off in separate ways and we couldn't communicate with each other. I'll tell you what's weird is a friend of mine um i i know

a few deaf people and i was asking them uh is is is sign language universal and no sign language is different in australia than it is in in america what do you think that sign language for deaf people would be universal do you think the one benefit of being deaf would be you could talk to a deaf person in China or that it was all the same, but apparently they're different all over. What a pain in the dick. Sign language. What are their books like?

Braille. Do they ever have books? Do they ever have books it's just no that's signs sorry just hands together just the image yeah i wonder that's a good it's the the whole idea that human beings communicate so very differently all over the world this is very strange i wondered when uh google translate came out if that was really going to have a significant impact on how we understand each other. But it still is so garbled. You ever try to convert Portuguese to English?

I love that, that on the computer, on my Mac, there's that little language converter. It's nice, but it's still clunky. It is a little clunky, but I've got cousins in Argentina. My mother's from Buenos Aires. Oh, yeah? And I've been down there like three times, and a lot of them don't speak English,

and I'm friends with them on Facebook. And they'll send me messages that are in English, the little choppy, broken English. Oh, that's cool. But I know they put it into the language converter, and then I'll be able to write them back, you know, a little message and do the same. When I was in Brazil,

and copy-paste that bad boy. Dudes would talk to you that way. If they wanted to talk to you in Brazil, they would have a Google Translate. So they would cite something in Portuguese and then put it in and thenudes would talk to you that way. If they wanted to talk to you in Brazil, they would have a Google Translate. So they would cite something in Portuguese and then put it in and then hold it up to you. Genius. Yeah, it was amazing. It was cool.

That's the future. It's like somewhere it's going to be like, wasn't there a movie once where a guy would talk to you in a foreign language and he would convert it right in front of you into your ear? That's the next shit. Right, that is the next shit. Have you seen these note applications on iPhones where you talk into it? No.

Want to see something crazy? Let's see it. Check this shit out, because this is amazing. It's almost unbelievable. It works so quickly that it doesn't seem like it's real. You press the thing. There's a little microphone right there, and I just press that, and I go, Tom Rhodes

is a bad motherfucker And immediately Cool Look at that That's awesome That's incredible And it spells it all right It capitalizes your name

Nice I mean it's incredible So if you ever have any ideas You're in your car You don't have to like Pull over and write anything down You just press a button And start talking

It's great Fucking sick It's like Michael Keaton In Night Shift Yeah i get to eliminate garbage how much time do you spend writing how much time do you spend like working on your act and you know i'm always adding little things um you know i just did an hour special and i just came out with a new cd so now i gotta you know come up with a whole new thing. So next year, I'm going to do a different approach. I'm going to do less road stuff. I like totally overbooked

this year. And I'm going to I'm going to work less next year on just do, you know, world road stuff that I like the best San Francisco, London, you know, Atlanta, Sydney. But I'm going to stay in California as much as I can next year and just, like, do, you know, short sets and work on coming up with the whole new next thing. Yeah, I'm in that phase right now, too. I'm constantly working on new shit. We do a lot of shows here at the Ice House.

That's why I'm psyched that you're performing here this weekend. The place is a shit. Oh, I love it. We'll get that place packed if you want. If you want to go there,

go to icehousecomedy.com and come see Tom Rhodes. You're the real deal. You're out there fucking making it happen, Tom Rhodes. Anytime you ever want to come back on this

podcast, man. I love you, man. It's so great to see you. And yeah, if I'm going to be spending more time here, I'd love to hang out more in your hippie den. Fuck yeah. Dude, we would love to have you come and do these shows.

These Wednesday and Friday shows are perfect for fucking around and trying out new material. The audiences are amazing. Thank you, everybody that came out last night because it was fucking sick. We had like a three-hour show. It was nuts. I mean, it started out. It was Brody Stevens. First of all, Tony Hinchcliffe is hilarious.

That kid is a really good host. He's really good. He's really smooth. Yeah. And Joey Diaz went up. Dom Irera went up. Doug Benson went up. Iko went up.

Ian Edwards. Ian Edwards went up. I mean, it was amazing. Burbank bad boy Brian. The Burbank bedpan. Burbank bedpan. The Burbank bedpan. Burbank bedpan. The Burbank bedpan. Yeah.

Thank you, everybody, for all the positive tweets and all the messages. And thank you to all these people that came to the shows. Look, everywhere we go, we meet people that love this podcast and believe us. We feel a massive feeling of obligation. Unquestionably, we will keep this thing going. We owe a, we feel a massive feeling of obligation. Unquestionably, we will keep this thing going. We owe it to you guys now. We started this weird thing.

I don't know where it's going, but we're having a good time. So we appreciate the fuck out of all of you. Thank you to Alienware for hooking us up with these badass laptops. Check out this bitch. Look at that thing. That's 18 inches, son.

You can't even get crazier than that. And it does like nutty graphics. It can't even get crazier than that. And it does, like, nutty graphics. It's got two video cards, SLI. Go to Alienware MMA on Twitter. Follow them. They support a lot of MMA fighters, so we try to support them. And thank you to Onnit.com. What are you doing?

You're getting crazy? You're getting crafty. Thank you to Onnit.com. O-N-N-I-T. Makers of Alpha Brain, Shroom Tech Sport, Shroom Tech Immune. And coming next week, next Tuesday, the Hemp Force, the Hemp Protein Shake is launching. And that stuff is the shit. Natural.

It's all natural sweeteners with stevia. It's got cocoa in it. All the information will be available on Onnit.com. Go check it out. To buy supplements, use the code name Rogan. Save yourself 10%. The kettlebells and the battle ropes, you cannot use the code name on that because we're selling them literally as cheap as you can. It's the highest quality kettlebell you can buy. They're made by Troy.

But essentially, it's very expensive to send cannonballs through the fucking mail. So go get some. Go get it. Get on it. Use the code name Rogan. Save yourself some money. All right, somebody save me. This fucking podcast is over.

I can't stop talking. Check out Brody Stevens. Enjoy it. August 6th name Brogan. Save yourself some money. Alright, somebody save me. This fucking podcast is over and I can't stop talking. Check out Brody Stevens. Enjoy it. August 6th. It's on HBO Go. Download all of them and we're in there somewhere I think. And underscore, underscore Tom Rhodes on Twitter. We gotta do something about that. That other Tom Rhodes is gonna be getting mad tweets today

saying your stories, man, were awesome. Was that stand-up comic? Beep, beep. We won't give that guy up, but awesome. Was that stand-up comic? Beep, beep. We won't give that guy up, but we should give that guy up, but we won't give that guy up. Don't do it. Ladies and gentlemen,

the future is near. It's closing in on you. Suck it up. Move forward. Big kiss. Big love. Word salad. Thank you.