The Joe Rogan Experience - #249 - Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: August 7, 2012

Joe sits down with Bert Kreischer.

Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day! Powerful Bert Kreischer! My man, what's happening dude? Nothing, I just got back from Omaha. Were you for your Travel Channel show? Travel Channel show? No travel no no no no

it's doing stand-up I travel channel show got picked up for a second season oh that's amazing we took desk waters on a vacation yeah I heard you got some people picked up in the promenade yeah I was walking by and he's like machine and I walked over and like you need people you need to interview as many people as possible so even people are like special people are like no thanks I'm like please just talk to me anyway right we gotta fill up our fucking day with interviews right so i go i go he goes i just wanted to came down to get a picture and i went well fuck it come be on my show and he was like seriously i was like yeah and then i started holy shit i start talking to them and i go i go so what are you guys doing

here and she says you know we came down to meet you we're in town for a wedding and we thought let's fucking go to the promenade and he wanted to get his picture with you. That's hilarious. And then I said, I go, I look at the dude, right? Now I kind of know I got him because he listens to this podcast. So I go, skip the fucking wedding. And he goes, it's two weddings.

And I go, skip both of them. And he looks at me and he goes, I'll fucking do it. His wife goes, honey, we can't. We can't. It's my cousin's wedding and my roommate from college. He goes, I don't even know her roommate from college. Let's go. Let's fucking go.

Yeah. Those are two weak hands on her part. They skipped both fucking weddings. They skipped one of the weddings just in case we called back to interview them again. So they skipped. He was, they were, and man, let me tell you something. I had never had more fun with one dude in my entire life. We shot machine guns.

We fucking, we jumped off a three-story balcony. Like we did, it was the funnest fucking trip. Then at the end of the trip, we're sitting there, like we wrapped. We're having dinner as a group. And he goes, I go, did you guys have a good time? And he's like, I just wanted to get a picture with you. I fucking partied with you all weekend. I was like, yeah.

What a fucking great day for that guy. Oh, he was so fucking, he was typical death squad, right? We go to meet Celine Dion, and we're backstage. You get three minutes with her. Wow. And we got tickets to the show for her. And so I say to the guy, I go, Aaron. Is three minutes too much?

Yeah, you can't last three minutes. We only spent a minute 15. I mean, that seems like a long time. Imagine if it was that Celine Dion would fuck you for three minutes. Oh, my God. Imagine if that was the deal. Imagine if our culture was so open that a woman like that would go and just fuck all of our fans for three minutes.

But there was a price to it, and it went to charity. I guarantee you, you'd get some people to do it for charity. Come on. It's the ASPCA. Okay. Sucking dicks for charity.

Maybe we can combine two things that everybody loves. Yes. Helping out the poor and blowjobs. I'm fucking, I'm all in so he gets three minutes with desley and dion and i go i go everyone get your questions ready like you need we need to be tight so everyone have your questions so the girl i said what's your question and the girl goes i'm gonna ask her how she does it as a mother as a working mother how does she juggle it all and in my head i'm like wouldn't it be great if celine dion's like i'm very very

wealthy i don't have to take care of my kids i apply on private jets but she didn't she was like i was like great great question someone get something that the network likes so aaron what's your question he goes dead serious he goes i'm gonna ask her if she's ever seen titanic i go are you kidding me he goes yeah go, that is the perfect question, Aaron. You ask her that. He goes, why? Is that a dumb question? I go, no, no, it's not dumb at all.

So we get in. Celine Dion comes in. She meets him. She answers a question for the girl. And then says to him, I go, Aaron's got a question. And he goes, I was wondering, in your career, I go, stop it. I go, stop. And Celine's like, what?

And I go, you asked her the question you said you were going to ask. And he goes, have you ever seen Titanic? And Celine Dion breaks out laughing, goes, cut. Who the fuck is this guy? What kind of a horrible question is this? Why did she say cut? Because it's the dumbest question. Did she ever see Titanic?

Who is she fucking? We're rolling on the whole thing. And she goes, that is the dumbest question I've ever been asked. Have I seen Titanic? Yes, I saw the movie. And he goes, did you like it? She goes, did I like Titanic? Are you kidding me?

It was, we ended up spending like 17 minutes with her because she fucking fell in love with this guy. Wow. And so, yeah, and they had to pull her out of the room. It was, she, the second he asked that question, she fucking loved us. And then she goes, looks at me and she goes, where do you get these guys? And I said, and I go, well, and she goes, wait, who are you? I go, I'm Bert. She goes, what kind of name is Bert?

Whoa, Celine. It was fucking awesome. Was she drunk? No, no, she was getting ready to perform. She was going on stage. The show started late because she hung out with us backstage. Did she have panties on? No.

She had a really expensive dress that they handmade for her. So she's a ball buster? She's awesome. She was really fun. Dude, you're tight with Celine Dion. Does she have facial hair? My celebrity cachet list is ridiculous these days. They're not all in one area.

Like, I'm friends with Sam Champion, Rachel Ray, Celine Dion. That's crazy. The weirdest group of people. We're friends with some, that's high-level shit. Rachel Ray. Rachel Ray. Did you hear her say the N-word? Have you ever heard that clip on YouTube?

What? Like, during a show, she said the N-word. Can I play it for you cuz it was a twist to it all right let me look for you guys oh my god I fucking love Rachel yeah she seems like a nice person she seems fun speaking of which you know who's definitely listening today who Larry the cable guy Larry the cable guy Larry the cable guy gave us he has his own potato chips that's how much of a baller Larry the Cable Guy is.

And they're fucking amazing. I like how it says, boy, that's good eating. Right on the top. This is, boy, this is good eating. This is Larry the Cable Guys. They're cheeseburger chips. Doesn't that sound awesome? They're cheeseburger chips.

So good. So Larry the Cable Guy listens to the podcast. I was in Omaha. Tell Larry I said what's up oh just tell me oh Larry what's up I met Larry way way way way way back in the day we met at the comedy works in Montreal Canada and maybe 19 shit like early 90s or something like that really for maybe maybe the latest it could have been it was like 95 or 96 But I met him there and we had a great fucking time. He's a great. Yeah, they're good aren't they delicious? Yeah, they're fucking amazing

Has a ketchup mustard you can tell that a fat guy made them because there's like extra Seasoning on them, you know when you get like that one Dorito that looks extra dark and you're like, oh, there's going to be a good one. All the chips are like that in there. This is the weirdest fucking thing I've ever had in my life. That tastes like a cheeseburger in your mouth. It's a cheeseburger potato chip. It's so fucking good. You taste the mustard. You taste the mustard in there.

It has every flavor. They're insane. The buffalo... This can't be good for you. No. There's no way. I like to serve this serving size says half chip. Yeah. You get this. Sometimes you just got to take it on the chin for flavor. You're like, I love that you're just holding them.

You're looking at them like, these can't be good for you. They can't be good for you. They're too delicious. This is amazing. This is like, this is eerily. I can't. I can't. I'm trying to make a fucking't. I want one more.

It tastes like White Castle hamburgers. It tastes like, to me, McDonald's hamburgers. Oh, let me tell you. I went to Burger King. I haven't ate in four days because I was sick with strep throat. You're so fucking lucky. So I was eating watermelon. I was eating like watermelon.

That's the only thing I could eat was like watermelon. And so yesterday was the first day I was like, you know what? I can eat now. My throat's not that sore anymore. I'm going to eat something really bad just kind of because I need something in me bad, something horrible. And so I was like the first fast food place. So I went to Burger King.

I'm like, all right. I haven't been to Burger King in a long time. I'm going to try it out. I had a Whopper fries and uh their their smoothie the smoothie was okay but the whopper it tasted like it was grilled and thrown in a bucket and then thrown in the microwave and then slapped on mayonnaise it was just the most disgusting tasting hamburger ever their fries they changed their fries or something horrible like i took one bite of the fry i'm like i don't want any more of that like i didn't eat

one thing and then i was looking and it's like what why how is this place still in business there is so much competition nowadays for burgers from all these like gourmet burger places or just like in and outs type places takes time those things take time the reason why burger king and mcdonald's works is familiarity people been going have been going there forever. And there's a guarantee. You go in there. You get it. You go. But something happened to Burger King.

Because it didn't used to always be like this, right? They can't fuck with Wendy's. If you want to go for the best chain, in my opinion, it's Wendy's. Like nationwide chain. I agree. But Wendy's can't fuck with In-N-Out. Oh, no one fucks with In-N-Out. Baker's is the best. Five Guys Burgers can fuck with In-N-Out. Oh, no one fucks with In-N-Out. Baker's is the best.

Five Guys Burgers can fuck with In-N-Out. Five Guys Burgers are right up there. They're different than In-N-Out burgers. And you'd be going, how could it be different? They're different. That's the thing. You're talking about all these awesome burger places, Burger King. And their latest thing is a bacon milkshake or sundae.

I'm like, seriously, that's a hilarious internet joke. But you're not going to fucking make money selling that. and out and five guys are the shit when you know fries cook the fucking nice fresh meat patty right in front of you they slap it down there they cook it right in front of you man that's how it should be yes not fucking pulled out of a bin with water juice we shouldn't yeah we shouldn't even allow that other way. It shouldn't be pre-processed at all. Why does it need to be? In-N-Out doesn't do it that way.

Because it's a ridiculous, expensive profit thing. If you, all of a sudden, you're using only fresh. You're not freezing your beef, which is what In-N-Out does. They use fresh beef. Then you have transport issues. It doesn't last as long. You've got to make sure that you judge how much you need exactly or you have overages it's not gonna last it's like i mean how long does like ground beef last if you don't freeze it it can't be more than a few days

and starts to get funky but it's so like when you take anyone from not in la that's in visiting when you take them to in and out they're always like this is fucking amazing yeah so it's that's what you're supposed to do it's like steak and shake on steroids it's funny we we we're like we're we're so accustomed to shitty food that's like it's like that's the norm like the shitty food is the norm in a world where there's competition it is weird that that happened why isn't there one place though that has like like imagine whole foods as a fast food place that's open all the time like a 24-hour place like i make like a you know a mike a burger king and like uh sounds like brian's looking for a place to pick up chicks no but there's no you think with today's people that

uh that are on all these diets and stuff and then they're so concerned about it that that there'll be one person to step on but like look we're going to make kin wall 24 hours a day fast food you know kin wall sides like we're going to have a healthy all 100 natural vegan crap we know everything but it's 24 hours a day and it's you know like starbucks so you need something that's an alternative it's convenient jack in the box it's convenient yeah i'm like they're running from job to job like i have 10 minutes to eat i'm not going to go fucking to the grocery store and go home and cook and then right like i need all right uh wendy's i'll get up baked potato and some chili or you know something stupid like that yeah the way it's hard to eat healthy if you're on the fly that's

for sure it is weird that we have so many different places where you can eat like shit subway it's so hard to find a place where you can eat healthy. They're coming out with one. My dad just invested in it. Oh, yeah? Yeah, and the interesting thing is he told me about it. I don't know what it is. I don't know the name of it.

But it's definitely coming out in Florida, and they only talked about it because when Chick-fil-A got on all that heat for saying they didn't want gays to marry, I heard all these other places talking about Chick-fil-A is one of the healthier places to eat, and this new place is going to be the same type of thing. Like a lot of healthy options. Chick-fil-A is one of the healthier places to eat. Yes. Unless you're gay. Unless you're gay.

Yeah. Then just all the hate vibes you'd get. My phone doesn't work up here. I'd call my dad and get the name of the place. But I've said the same thing, Brian, because i'd love to have something you just go in and know that you can get a meal around 400 calories it's kind of like fucking a little more like a salad something real some real food some actual food i want a protein and a bunch of steamed vegetables yeah yeah it's it's weird how much if you look at the just the overall numbers of restaurants that we have it's weird how much

of it is yeah it's like it's the majority like all the quick ones are look at look at the i mean i call bell can you can you imagine that it took taco bell this long to come out with a healthy option well they have bean burritos no they got the new thing they've got a taco bowl oh yeah yeah like this new bowl that the chef designed that I saw a commercial for, and I was like, oh, I've got to fucking try that out. And then I got Taco Bell. I was like, fuck that, Mexican pizza. So, like, but.

I don't know what you just said. Mexican pizza. You never have a Mexican pizza. You just went a weird little rant to yourself. Yeah, I'm like, fuck that, Mexican pizza. Taco Bell. I was trying to say, I can't order healthy when I get to Taco Bell. I'm like, fuck it.

Oh, dude, yeah, that Dorito taco, you can't even order anything other than the Dorito taco. Now that shells are made out of Doritos. It's the most amazing thing in the whole entire world. That's Taco Bell? Yeah, it's Taco Bell. See, that's somebody, like, unlike Burger King, Taco Bell, they're on their game. They're making shit better taste yeah but didn't they get busted for having their their beef yeah it was horse was it it was

horse when did this happen i don't know but i'm but i only know that because i did a channel a show for animal planet and this woman was raised premium stallions and she told me she was like so it was maybe one of the greatest days of my life but she told me she was premium stallions are stallions they keep pregnant because they do this uh they produce this this hormone that goes into share hair shampoo and then she said oh yeah and it's the canadians she went off on the canadians she was like and i was like we're never going to use this but apparently in canada no it's a it's it's not a fact that chick was just some crazy rumor hippie they eat horse and very quick google search tells you that uh taco bell does not use horse meat and that is a false rumor no and actually taco bell's response to that yeah it is i mean they they had a good response

whatever who cares it doesn't matter it's it's delicious and what unlike burger king which seems like you're going to a crack house nowadays the Obama administration okayed horse meat for Americans that's why I'm swear to God I want to say I had to be in there I go eight horse me used to be legal in Japan where you used to just go to like places and eat horses but yeah outlawed and she said it was delicious well they yeah they eat horses in other countries um this guy Alistair Overeem it's it's huge mma fighters like a big power lifting looking dude looks like a superhero you know who overeem is right yeah well overeem is uh big on eating horse meat he says that's where he gets all his protein from a lot of athletes say that too

really they eat horse meat yeah gotta be super easy to catch pony's the veal super easy to catch come up with an apple and a gun horses they're like yeah that's a that's a it's a team horse mustangs like only like wild fucking horses like if they really taste good oh i mean i'm sure people hunted them it's amazing that they figured out how to get along with people they're just like just let them ride us never freak out ever let them ride us and they keep us alive because every other animal like think about like how prevalent they are amongst people you know they get to live in the stall and everything's good and nobody eats them nobody sets a fucking piston through their head they give you nice food all the time they pet you and brush you the horse has a like way better than the cow oh the cows fuck

because the cows were like bitch you can't ride us the off get the off get the off they wanted us off so bad do you think the horses saw that in another pasture they were like that's why we started eating them we were like you bitch you won't let us ride you okay well then we eat you how about that stupid what good are you to us we can't ride you that's why we were barely eating the horses even with all cars cars everywhere, we don't need horses anymore. We can eat the fuck out of them. We're like, no, we have a special bond because you let me ride you. They're cruising off this reputation from when they used to ride them.

Exactly. They become our friends. They become our friends when they're just the dopiest, most docile, easily tricked animal. They panic. You lock them up. It's called breaking them. You get a rope around their neck. You settle them the fuck down. you let them know who's boss and right now the horse from then on lets

you ride them and right now they're in tenure obviously they don't have the case there's probably a lot more complications to the process than just shortening this for the for comedy here you guys want to hear rachel ray sing the n-word sure all right here we go it's better not be a trick. Think of all the kicks you'll be helping. Do you crochet knit? I don't, but I'm thinking of starting it because when you're on a plane and stuff,

I'm always envious of the knitters. Do they still let you bring the tools on, though? Hold on, hold on, hold on. I'm always envious of the... what? Because when you're on a plane and stuff. I'm always envious of the... What? When you're on a plane and stuff, I'm always envious of the knitters. Yeah. Do they still let you bring the tools on, though?

Wait. Hold on. One more time. It's my favorite. What did she actually say? I'm always envious of the knitters. Yeah. Do they still let you bring the tools on, though? She's talking about the knitters. Oh. Oh, the knitters oh my god she's like

you get to bring the tools on like this jesus christ i would never you know um there was a woman got in trouble she was a teacher for using the word niggardly in front of a class for using that word. She got in trouble. There was a congressman that got in trouble for that. Yeah. That was hilarious. It's a word. I mean, that's a real word.

Yeah. Yeah, it sounds like another word, but there's a lot of words that sound like bad words. Leanne got reprimanded for using the phrase cotton picking. What? of words that sound like bad words leanne got reprimanded for um using the phrase cotton picking what like leanne we were at the beach and she had said something like uh give me one cotton pick a minute you know you've ever heard the tape this cotton picking this it's it's right in the south leanne said it was a it was a euphemism for god damn right so give me this you know and then all of a sudden someone said something to her and leanne went oh my god i never realized what i'm saying like am i saying cotton pig in like a black person like an actual cotton picker right and so i was like holy shit and so i looked it up and it turns

out that cotton picking just is a horrible fucking activity it's like a fucking shit in my mouth like no one enjoyed cotton picking so it's like give me one cotton pick a minute it's like actually means give me the longest fucking minute you could ever give me because cotton picking was exhausting cotton apparently is uh was way easier to process so that's why it took over from hemp really until the 1930s they came out with a machine called a decorticator and they were going to have everything convert back to hemp. We use cotton, but cotton is like, it sucks ass compared to hemp. In comparison to hemp, it's not nearly as strong, the tensile strength, the durability.

It's an amazing plant. But the people that were in the cotton industry got together with DuPont, who were the people that made nylon and William Randolph Hearst who was the guy who ran Hearst publications who also had these paper mills that were all based on wood and he would have had to convert them to to use hemp so it was basically an industry they were trying to suppress an industry really that's how marijuana became illegal it all became illegal because of the cotton industry and fiber, nylon, all of them, William Randolph Hearst, all of them getting together. And pretty much playing Monopoly.

But it was about hemp. It wasn't about the getting high part. It was about this incredible plant that if you... By the way, which is illegal in this country. It's illegal. You can't even get high on it. It's a cousin of marijuana. It's not psychoactive. Just the hemp. It doesn't have the drug in it. It doesn't have the drug in it. And you can't even get high on it it's a cousin of marijuana it's not it's not psychoactivity just the hemp it doesn't it doesn't have the drug in it doesn't have the drug in it and you can't you can't grow it you have to grow it in canada we have this stuff that's coming out on it it's

called uh hemp force it's this protein powder made with hemp hearts it's so hard to get this stuff we can only buy 50 pounds of it a day you can't buy any more of it so we have like limited quantities like to sell this hemp protein power because it's the best hemp protein powder that you can get is made um in canada at these uh hemp hearts and we can't grow them here we they don't allow you to even though it's not it's like you can't get high from it at all it's impossible you can't you're not allowed to grow it here and then all it's like it's it's amazing how like natural resources things like cotton and hemp and oil even can be manipulated like yeah it's it's like that we have to look at it like what it really is it's really like sort of an economic thing the cotton gin you know

straighten it out for a lot of people like how to how to process cotton and that that made it a little bit easier but it's like that battle that we that the men the hemp and marijuana world lost in like 1930 whatever it is they still lost it it's amazing and the north was all about polyester right yeah the suits those those leisure suits whoever talked people into those those crazy suits that they wore in the 70s when you're skinny they feel good people lost their mind i think it was Don Knotts. Don Knotts? He's the one that started all that shit.

You know, here's where you can see how America lost its fucking mind in the 70s. I had a game, a pool the other night with Adam Ferrara. Do you know Adam Ferrara? He's a comedian. Yeah, yeah. He's in Omaha next weekend. He used to be on uh rescue me and he is now one of the american hosts for top gear yeah and we went on we were both car enthusiasts

and we were talking about looking at the cars from like the 70s like from the early 70s to the late 70s to the early 80s to the 90s it's like what the fuck happened to us yeah like we completely lost the ability to make cool cars like somehow or another if you go back to the the 50s and the 60s and you look at what like america had like corvettes and mustangs and those are dope cars they're so dope that people still want them today even with their shitty ass technology of the 1960s, people still drive Mustangs around because they're so fucking cool looking. We lost that. I don't think we lost that.

No, no, no. It's one of the best times ever. No, no, no. That's what we're saying. They had the Ford Tempo, and you're like, what the fuck was that car? How about the Camaro of the fucking 80s?

Yeah. Look at a 69 Camaro, and then look at a Camaro of the 80s. Like, what the fuck did you do? Yeah. You just like, you melted it. You smoothed it.

It's nothing now. And it's boring as fuck. This is, like, a terrible design. That by the same people... Like, what kind of lazy cunts designed that piece of shit car? The fucking ugly-ass Camaro? Like, now the Camaro is badass. The Camaro now is fucking awesome.

I think it's the best it's ever looked. I think they totally nailed it. But it makes you wonder. It's like, were we in a haze as a country? Like, what the fuck happened? Is the auto world, like the auto community in this country, what the fuck happened to them in the 80s and the 90s that they were so uncreative?

I bet it was the same thing we were talking about is they just got, like, the tobacco industry, they just stopped fucking caring and they were making money hand over fist and all of a sudden the Japanese just took it over. I would love to hear a story about it. There must be a bunch of factors. I think it's the show Lost.

The show Lost. Maybe it's like people gave up taking psychedelics and all the designers weren't taking psychedelics anymore and they weren't drawing stingrays and said they were drawing these fucking shitty Corvettes of the 80s. Did you ever see the Corvettes of the 80s? No. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you're driving around in a 1980-something Corvette, most, I mean, you might be a cool guy, you might be an enthusiast, but chances are you're a fucking loser, all right? Yeah. That's probably a creepy dude. You're driving one of the ugliest, one of the coolest cars America's ever designed, and you're one of the ugliest versions ever. That's probably a creepy dude. You're driving one of the ugliest, one of the coolest cars America's ever designed, and you're one of the ugliest versions ever.

That's the one that you picked. Yeah. But if you have a 1969 Corvette, you go back to one of those old Stingrays. Those are fucking evil things. That's an evil-looking car, man. I mean, even just a Plymouth from, like, 67 is just a monster. You know all the ones the the uh cholos uh low rider out which one oh yeah yeah impala the impala is a badass it's an

piece of art man ferrara showed me uh he's got a photo of a friend of his um had a really nicely done 57 cadillac and you just look at it and go, oh my God, it was a work of art. It was a work of art. Those fucking, man, I get obsessed every now and then online. I'll just start Googling like years of cars, like the Lincoln. I wanted the Cadillac, the 69 Cadillac. That convertible is just, it's the big beast whale.

Ridiculous. That convertible is just, it's the big beast whale. Ridiculous. That is one of the biggest examples of American excess. One of the most beautiful examples, the giant Cadillac. Those were ridiculous. Those were fucking badass cars. And I remember getting in one in high school.

Someone's dad had one. And we felt like gangsters. We had maybe a foot of cock between the three of us, but we felt like pimps just smoking cigarettes and all. Remember how the ride on those things, man? You just kind of like floated. You'd take a corner and... They were the worst at handling. They couldn't handle it all.

I always wanted one of those things. The Volkswagen thing? What's that? It was the ugly fucking... it looked like it belonged in the middle of the Sahara and a bunch of German should be coming out of it it was really weird in 1974 I had a Volkswagen Corrado was one of my there was the first thing I got when I had a development deal I bought a used Corrado it was a good car man was that the was that the back the one with

the back was kind of like a like slick back um i don't know i don't remember what it looked like to be honest with i remember the volkswagen serraco it wasn't that it was more of a boxy i fucking love volkswagen i love my car i love your new car too that thing's fucking awesome. Yeah. I'm in love with the car. I had a Fox. I had a Jetta. I had a Jeep. I had a... I'm trying to think of all my fucking cars. You know what this thing is? They look like a GTI.

It looks just like a GTI. Oh, I know what you're talking about. This is the car. This car, the only car in the world that has a sentimental feeling to me. Even that stupid Barracuda that I bought and had made on the TV show it's not as sentimental to me as this car because it was the first thing they got when I got some money and I wound up giving it to Dave Pierre dude who worked at the Comedy Store yeah it was worth like I don't remember what it was worth it was worth a lot more than

he had so I said how much do you have and he's like I have like whatever he had you know yeah like okay you could take it and he was like what the you're talking about because it was like basically it was like a new car but that's when i was on news radio and i was i was a baller i heard a story about drew carey giving his uh miata to someone he gave his card someone it was a miata though those are cool cars man they yeah they are dude you ever drive miata no bullshit no autos are fun fucking cars first of all they're super light yeah and if you drive a super light car you really feel the road like really yeah miatas are great drivers i've never driven in a miata i just always i just always had a visual of drew carrying a miata they got fucked somehow or another miata got fucked and their first

bland version of the car you know it became a woman's car yeah i don't know why but it's a fun little sporty car it's like it's a weird thing with car culture is that like there's a lot of folks that will drive like older cars from like the you know driving a 1960 mg one of those little things you'll drive those but you won't respect a miata like people don't like miata doesn't get any respect yeah it's japanese it's a it's a really competent little car my buddy had a miata and we in college they're great cars they were great cars but they were perceived as chick cars yeah it's a chick car it's like a boxster the porsche boxster porsche has a new boxster that really is so good looking it'll slay the idea that it's a chick car this new

boxster is so dope really oh it looks so killer yeah porsche's design teams they they just make things that you lust for you look at me just go oh i would i would rather i think i would rather if i had to get like a sports car i i got the given the the uh corvette fucking turbo whatever the beast core best zr1 for like uh for like a week they gave it to me and i drove that thing around and i fucking loved it i loved it because everyone looks at you it's like having a big dick in a locker room you like that fuck everyone looks at you that kind of attention i need it somewhere machine that's ridiculous you don't need that fucking badass i'm thinking about getting one i'm thinking about getting a red one with black wheels are you serious i don't give a fuck son do not get a red car get a fucking that's why i want

to get a red car because they're so stupid i've never had a red car i've never had a reason why they're stupid why why are they so stupid because Because it's like, hey, look at me. Is that what it is? No, I think it looks ridiculous. No, I like red. I wanted a red car always in my day. It looks very manly. It's very ridiculous.

I just feel like it's such a stupid fucking thing to get in the first place. To get one of those crazy, what the fuck do you need a Corvette like that for? Yeah. And you can't drive them. They're really hard to drive in LA becauseA. because the spoiler in the front. Yeah, it bottoms out all over the place. It bottoms out all over. So I was like, I could never cross 3rd Street.

Yeah, you could. I have a GT3, which is even lower than that, believe it or not. I drive that thing everywhere. Yeah, but you've got to cut. You've got to. Oh, really? I just deal with it. I listen to the scratch.

You'll get pulled over all the time, by the way, with the red car. I listen to the scratch. And I keep going, huh? Red cars get pulled over the most by cops also do they yeah yeah i bet they would because it's like mostly douchebags driving red cars because it's such a it's such a thing it's you have to not be thinking about anyone else feelings at all you have to be if you're driving around a red car you're like look at me bitch look at me you're not thinking of like what someone else

is gonna feel if they're looking at you yeah it's a totally selfish color you know because it's it's it's like you just want to yeah oh you know I had a yell it out like I have a subtle you know white is understated you know what is nice you don't have to wash it as much and that's ridiculous go to the car wash no you don't black car black cars are covered in dust the second in LA but a white Corvette just I'm sorry does not look as good as a black or a red one I just I Corvette or a red yeah you're in the middle of the road with a white one yeah you're not really fully committed to being an asshole I think if you have a red corvette you're fully committed to im embracing the the own you're like almost like selfish need for the lusty lusty color of a car you know lusty red what are you getting

it bright shiny i don't know probably not really porsche is a smarter car it's more and it's not i don't need a car any faster than the car i have. I don't drive fast anyway. I don't even like to drive fast. What I like is cars that handle well. I don't like to do anything, like, stupid on the roads. I've been doing a lot of stupid shit with the turbo. I think if you go back 20 podcasts, I say, you know, like, I say the same thing. Like, I never go fast. I don't need a fast car.

Once you have a car that can go fast. Oh, my God. You find a lot more holes that you can fit in yeah well and you can it's the the ability to do it where it's they're so composed you know like that volkswagen that he has okay you compare that that car would beat around a track any power muscle car from the 60s he took like some regular 1969 camaro with stock equipment one of those badass camaros and raced it around the Nurburgring, you would dust that thing. You wouldn't even be close. Dude, the paddle shifting is my new favorite thing.

It's like playing a video game. That is the worst way to be driving a car when you're high is thinking you're playing a video game, Brian. Don't think that. It's like a video game. Try not to think that. It was like a video game. Try not to think that. When we drove Lamborghinis and Ferraris, the car they loved, the people that worked there loved the most, was the Camaro. Really? Why? They had a Camaro there.

They'd take you out on your first lap in a Camaro, and they're like, this is the best car. I mean, obviously, a $600,000 Lamborghini is a great car, but they fucking loved this Camaro, and they drove it. It's also an American car in the middle of Mexico, so it is exotic to these guys because they're Camaro. And they drove it. It's also an American car in the middle of Mexico. So it is exotic to these guys because they're all Mexican. So they love it. Do Mexicans make their own cars? They have a new one. Mexico is coming out with a new, like, really expensive, like, Lamborghini-type equivalent.

Really? Yeah, and the place we were at is getting one. They're, like, one of the first ones coming out of the line they're getting. What about Canada? Do they make their own cars?'s a good question i don't think they do maybe they've made a couple you'd think they would because they're right next to detroit aren't they yeah but maybe they see what kind of douchebags build cars and they're like let's just buy their shit stay out of their business stay out of their creepy business they're like they're like

a they're like they're like uh duncan when he used to live with you he's like why buy weed joe's got have you seen the new camaro zl1 that's coming out no oh my god it's a it's a new one with a corvette engine in it so it's like i think it's 500 and 500 plus horsepower i think like 540 or 550 or something like that ridiculously fast handles awesome looks spectacular it looks like a proper american muscle car and this one the zl1 is going to be ridiculous adam ferrara just got one and he uh he drove it around and he said he would show up he goes i would show up you know adams get that that yeah long island accent like i would show up my hearts racing i'm just. I just went through something.

The fucking car is ridiculous, man. You're not supposed to have that kind of... You've got to rock it under your dick. What the fuck are you riding around in? Is he really a car guy? He loves cars. This is the color you should get. He's great on the show.

Chameleon paint? Have you heard of chameleon paint? That's the most ridiculous shit I've ever heard of. It changes when you turn the corners. It has like a million different colors, and it changes depending on the light. Somebody posted on Miffin23, posted on the Rogan Board. Get the one that Bieber has. It's awesome if you want to let everyone know that you're Puerto Rican.

Don't get the one that Bieber has. The one Bieber has with the mirrors? Have you seen that one? That's so fucked up. Have you seen it? No. Can you imagine driving in a sunny day? Oh, my God.

I'm not copying Justin Bieber. No, put a cool one. But I met him, and he's a very nice guy. I showed you in the mirror card, yeah. His card, it's all made out of mirrors. Yeah, you did. Or it's aluminum. Yeah, I actually enjoyed meeting him.

He's a UFC fan. He likes boxing, too. Oh, you met him in LA? We met him in the UFC. Came by and said hi. That's cool. Very nice kid. Very friendly kid.

Did he kiss you on the cheek or the lips? Neither one. He shook hands. He shook hands like men. I met Robin Williams, and I like men. I met Robin Williams, and I didn't know I met Robin Williams. Yeah, this is crazy. Shut up.

I did a show at the Improv Friday night, and afterwards, me and Joey were hanging out, and you know the upper area where you can eat? Yeah. We were hanging out and taking pictures, so there's a line to get up there

to take pictures. So this guy's in the line. He gets up to me, and he's talking to me. He's complimenting me, saying these nice things about the show. He was fearless and all that. He was very complimentary.

And I was really thankful. I was like, wow, thank you. Thank you very much. And then I realized, holy shit, you're Robin Williams. Wait, you realized in the middle of him telling you this? In the middle of him talking to me, I didn't know it was Robin Williams. He had a beard. He had a white beard on.

He had glasses on and a baseball hat. Oh, so he just looked like some old dude. He just looked like some dude. Yeah, Williams. He had a beard. He had a white beard on. He had glasses on and a baseball hat. Oh, so he just looked like some old dude. He just looked like some dude. Yeah, just some guy with a beard. But he was very nice. But his voice threw me off. And then I realized, because he was being kind of soft-spoken. There was a lot of people around. And he was trying to fly into the radar. And then all of a sudden, I'm like, holy shit, I'm talking to Robin Williams. Wait, did he came... How crazy is that that he came down to meet you? It was awesome.

I've only had a couple times where something like that has happened where it really kind of freaked me out. One of them was Gene Simmons came to our New Year show. Really? Yeah. He's a dick. He was great. I fucking hate him. He was bad to you?

Oh, he's a fucking cunt to me. Really? Really bad. What happened? Like top five worst experiences with a celebrity. Holy shit. What happened? Top five worst experiences with a celebrity. Holy shit. What happened? We were doing the X show, and we were going to interview him,

and I told the producers, I was like, I fucking am the biggest Kiss fan. I grew up, like any Halloween from the first 10 years of my life, I was one of the fucking guys from Kiss. Fucking talent show. I dressed up in my mom's leotard her gayest belt possible two bike chains and a kiss thing and just jammed out to a party all night long just for fucking three minutes just jammed out like air guitar it fucking loved kiss literally loved kiss and so what happened and so then we i tell them that and they go great we'll set up the interview

there's gonna be a fucking cakewalk the only other time I did that to the show is when slash was there So I was like, I love fucking slash and I got along great with slash We ended up drinking in my fucking whatchamacallit So so then so he shows up drinking in my fucking whatchamacallit in my green room my green room so my dressing room so fucking Gene Simmons shows up and I'm and I Go up to he's in the room. I got a pre He's in the room I go to his dressing room I knock on the door And they open it

And I said Miss Simmons my name is Bert I'm the host of the show I'll be doing the interview And he just puts his finger in front of my face And he goes No And I went

What? And he goes Not now And he shut the door in my face I went Okay I go clearly It's early in the morning

Maybe he's not a morning guy That's fine I'm going to give him his time To have his coffee or whatever And then before I go out on stage I'll do my pre-interview while he's going through makeup So he's doing his makeup And I come in

And now it's like 8 o'clock in the morning Come in and I go Mr. Simmons my name is Bert I'll be doing the interview And he goes didn't I tell you not to speak And I went okay And then he looked at someone and he goes Is he interviewing me I don't want him to interview me And I went oh fuck

Like what did I do? So then I leave and then mark Cronin comes in he goes listen Jean Doesn't want a guy to interview him. He wants Daphne the girl. He wants Daphne to interview him I definitely know shit about kiss. I go this is my hero. I can't be on he goes here I'll tell you what I will let you you can be on the couch and you can Just kind of hang out in the interview and you can jump in as much as possible But Daphne's gonna run the interview gene would rather Daphne run it and I went, okay, so I go out I sit on the couch I don't say a word now. I'm being respectful. I'm like, all right, clearly he whatever it is Maybe at the end I can just tell him what a big fan of kiss I am So I sit on the couch Daphne does the interview I jump in here and there it's totally comfortable

Totally cool. We cut for commercial and everyone that works on the show has headsets on so and we're mic'd we can hear everyone and Daphne says you know Gene um the reason Bert's out here is he was the biggest Kiss fan growing up and Gene goes really and she goes yeah he dressed as Gene Sim he dressed as you for Halloween he and I go yeah yeah, as a matter of fact. And he looks at me and he goes, shut up. I'm talking to her. And I went, but you're talking about me. And he goes, turn around. Turn around.

And I went, now I go to turn around and I see everyone that's working on the floor of the X show literally turn. Because they're all headsets in. They turn and look. As I'm turning around, they're like, oh, my God. So I turn around and Daphne's just like appalled and then all of a sudden crony comes out of the green out of the room and he goes you know what we don't i think we got it all in the first one and gene's like i need to talk about my doll that i'm selling he's like yeah we'll bring it up later and he goes but i have a lot of products i'm trying to sell he's like we got it thank you mr simmons and gene gets up and leaves and i was like what a fucking cunt wow wow what and i fucking to the day i die i will fucking slam his name i've never been treated

worse and i've never treated anyone even an eighth i'm not not granted i'm not gene simmons i don't get hassled all the fucking time by every rock fan ever but like jim norton had a horrible story with him when he first met him he did yeah jim had a horrible story uh craig gas has a horrible everyone has a horrible story and then if you can help him like obviously opie and anthony is a huge show and gene realized that he needed to have little jimmy on his i don't know what it is but jimmy now had a good experience with him and they're friends so but i hated that guy wow that sucks to hear that it sucks because i was like such a big fan you know you meet slash and slash is literally like the coolest fucking guy sit down on the couch i go hey man how you doing he goes not good my wife kicked me out last night really and he goes yeah i was like

and he was like in a kip i just hear those words and i like oh if i heard that from slash i'd be like dude we're drinking i said i said to him i, I got booze in my green room, and he goes, stands up, let's go. And we walk right to my green room with two extra glasses and start drinking. And then he says, and then he gets done this show, this is Slash, he goes, looks at me and he's like, what's

your schedule for the rest of the day? And I'm like, and I had that girl, remember that girl I dated with cerebral palsy? She was there, and I was like, nothing. He goes, because I've got to fly to Europe in a few hours, but i wouldn't mind having another drink so we go to my green room and just keep drinking until his car takes him i was like what a fucking great dude that's hilarious oh let me tell you what sucks man my poisonous snakes at an earthquake you know like just a fucking he's an awesome fucking guy and then you cut to gene simmons like joe montana amazing fucking do you do you remember who was the Nigerian

Nightmare? He was a football player. I don't know anything about football. This is my favorite. The guy's name, if you type in the Nigerian Nightmare, Brian, you'll come up with his name. He was a fucking beast. They took him out of Africa, put him in the backfield for the Chiefs. And he was nice too.

And he was a monster. But his English was always... Christian Okoye okoye okoye he he's he's huge he's like fucking 66 350 so i tell him i go uh so we do the interview and everyone wants to take pictures and and i go oh i want one too but i want one with just me and you shirtless in my green room and so everyone laughs and he doesn't laugh he doesn't get it he's like oh and i was like okay so everyone laughs we leave he doesn't laugh. He doesn't get it. He's like, oh. And I was like, okay. So everyone laughs. We leave.

I'm walking to my green room. All of a sudden, he's behind me. And he goes, let's take picture now shirtless in your green room. And I was like, uh-oh. I go, oh, I'm kidding. And then he goes, I got you, funny boy. I was like, I thought I was getting fucking ass raped. Can you imagine?

How long do you think you could fight him off? 6'6", 350? You wouldn't fight him off at all? You'd just let it happen? Yeah, I'd be like, let me just blow you. Turtle up. Just turtle up.

I was asking the audiences this week, what would you rather, okay? I finish in your mouth, bro. What would you rather? Okay. This is my genius bit of material I was working on this week. Suck a dude's dick

for 15 minutes. Like the whole time, up until climax, and then you get to pass it off? Or be the dude that sucks it for that 15 seconds and just take a load in the mouth. You know we just landed on Mars? You know we just landed on Mars, Bert? We just have a

Mars rover flew through fucking space for 8 months landed on Mars. Or take a load. Whatever, that's fake, Joe. Suck the dick or take the load, Brian. Suck the dick or take it? Suck the dick all the way up to the climax, then you can pass it off.

So you got to start it off or just take the load. Is that a real question? That's a very real question. When Brian is asking you if something's real, that's how dumb this is. No, I mean, you obviously would want to get your dick sucked instead of doing the sucking. That's not in the game Brian

That's not what he said Brian. You don't even paying attention I'm asking your dick so hot in here. I barely is not hot in here The air conditioning's on I feel it blowing. I'm still six. All right changes subject Brody Steven shows fucking amazing Yeah, is it it is so fucking good it is it is on hbo go and i literally it is so good that i watched the pilot pilot ends like the first one ends and i'm hooked and i realized at that moment i'm watching every single one of them and so why is everyone on the show thinking yeah is that the the word well no it's just out there it's like i think his mom questions his sexuality and he's and he says you says, you know, I'm into chicks.

I'm into chicks. And at one point, he's in his room, like, talking to the camera, and he pulls out a Playboy. He goes, see, look, I have a Playboy. This is what I like. So I believe it. I mean, I never thought he was gay. I've always thought that whenever someone has to, like, really try to convince you that

they're not gay, they're probably gay. I don't... I think if you're getting it called by your mom and your sister, you're just tired of fucking, like, look, I'm not gay. I think his mom thinks he's straight, but his sister thinks he's gay, but he doesn't talk to his sister. Why does his sister think he's gay? Because he doesn't have a girlfriend?

I don't know. She bullies him. It's fucking so good, Joe. Joe, you watch the first episode. His sister bullies him? Yeah. It's amazing. It's on HBO Go and it's on HBO On Demand, and it's everyone,

I mean, everyone loves it, and everyone watches all six episodes in a row. You're hooked like fucking lost in the first. It needs to be longer. and it's everyone i mean everyone loves it and everyone watches all six episodes in a row you're hooked like fucking lost in the first it needs to be longer the beginning one is is introducing you to brody stevens pretty much and it's everything you love about brody everything you love and it's zach explaining why brody's so funny what we like about him sarah silverman and then it ends with his mental breakdown wow and then you're like and then the next one is documenting the mental breakdown like sarah zach voicemails that he left zach i mean he's fucking and then you're

going and then you're like where the fuck is this gonna go from here like and then it's him coming out of the whatchamacallit and then it's him going through therapy and like like really kind of get trying to get out and get get some success and and get and get out and deal with whatever issues he had in the past. It is so fucking good. And here's what it really is too. It's a great representation of Brody because he's hilarious, but he's also very vulnerable. He's very honest.

It's so fucking good. The best introduction of Brody in the world. If you did not know who Brody was and you watched that, you are now a Brody fan. It's that good. And what is it called? It's called Enjoy It. Brody Stevens Enjoy It.

And if you watch the first two minutes, you will fucking, you will go, I got to watch the whole thing. And you can get like a bunch of them, right? There's like six. Six episodes. Six of them. Yeah, so HBO is kind of testing this out and hopefully it does great because. How long are they? 16 minutes each, something like that.

Oh, perfect. It's so good. Perfect. Have you seen Jerryerry seinfeld's thing uh comedians uh in cars getting coffee no really interesting man it was him and larry david and it was fun like seeing these two brilliant guys that have accomplished like this incredible task creating seinfeld that that sitcom palling around together in his old Volkswagen many, many years later. It was really cool, yeah. It was really cool just to hear them talk and they're talking about cars and Seinfeld's talking about the kind of cars

that he likes to drive. I think in different cars every time. Yeah, well, he collects cars. Oh, that's awesome. Seinfeld has a fuckload of cars. I know where his car collection is. Shh, don't tell anybody. But he does call in Quiddle.

That's creepy, Brian. Where did you see this? Someone's going to kidnap call that's creepy brian where did you kidnap you and torture you next to it someone's gonna kidnap you and torture you just so you give up the the location where did you see this um it's online it's i think it's called comedians and cars getting coffee.com he has colin quinn what a great idea i did uh the uh laugh factory podcast yesterday with don marrera and um andada, the owner of the Laugh Factory. And I said that that's when I didn't like Jerry Seinfeld, which is really, there was a moment in time where I was slightly upset at him

just for a half a second. But when I say something like that on a podcast, it's really ridiculous. Because the only reason why I was upset was when Kramer got busted and then they were on Letterman and Kramer called in via satellite and was sitting there and people were laughing at some of the things he said and and jerry goes stop it it's not funny i was like oh come on man god that's ridiculous i saw i got upset for a brief second yeah i said well but he's uh him protecting his friend you know yeah of course of course i understand he's uptight i mean look the guy doesn't ever talk about sex ever if you watch any of his stand-up there's nothing sexual there's not you don't get to

know him he's what he is is like a master joke teller he's like a master comedian he can essentially he could take any subject and put it through his his professional mind and find the best way to get the funny in it it's uh that kind of funny is that doesn't appreciate like the kind of like if stanhope was there and if it was stanhope's friend that had done that on television he would be laughing with the crowd he would be laughing yeah his face would be red i could see him i could see him just you know talking you know ad nauseum about the subject but to jerry seinfeld he could not see the the humor and the chaos yeah and I think that's silly. Chaos is, there's more humor and chaos in this country than there is in anything else.

I've gotten nervous on stage as of late because of the onslaught of technology and people recording and people just posting and recording and recording and posting. They're just going to do that. You just got to accept that. I ask people, if you come to my shows, please don't put it up on YouTube for a bunch of reasons.

One, because I'm working on this stuff. Yeah. I'm always working on shit. I don't want it to be, like, if it's going to be out on a DVD, I want it to be the right style. I want it to be done. There it is. So while you're, you know, capturing that and then putting it up, you're kind of fucking

up my process a little bit. Chris Rock said he's going to stop going on stage until they figure it out. Oh, well, good luck with him. That's silly. I would never do that. He was saying that. I think he's not. He's being facetious.

It was an article I read online. But he was saying, he was like, you know, it really sucks because when people tape it and put it up, then that's the representation that the world gets to see.

Yeah. And he goes, the evolution of the joke, you know, black people versus N-words, he goes, the evolution of that joke was horrible.

Yeah. And there's a lot of times where it just didn't look right. Oh, yeah. And he goes, and then I got it to the place where it worked and even still it's like it's like uh you know once you even get to where it works it's not until another six months later that you figure out the right tag you know and it's like that's the thing that sucks is like fucking you know you

trying to write a joke and then people videotape and put it up and you're like i wasn't fucking done yeah and it's also the people can know what your material is before they come to your shows they'll know like all the stuff that you're gonna do yeah because they saw last week's show on calgary or wherever it was yeah it's uh but you know what man that's just a part of life yeah this is the new world we live in all i can do is just do my best try to write as much as possible perform a lot stay sharp keep coming up with new shit. Keep going out there and going at it. All that other stuff is just whatever it is.

You can't stop it. When it comes to technology and things like when it comes to people filming your art that you're doing in front of a large group of people, in front of an audience, it's people that are going to want to film it. That's what they want to do. It's a part of life. that are going to want to film it it's just that's what they want to do it's part of life i wonder why they want to film it because it's they're enjoying it they're a big burke kreischer fan they come to see you man they're all excited you know if i go to see somebody man i'll fucking think about filming it if i went to see like a really good comic if dave chapelle was doing a set and i and brian was there and they let brian put up his camera like yeah't get a copy of that I would love to see that I love comedy man yeah I love comedy I like well I like bootleg you know

recordings of bands sometimes too I have the first set that Chappelle did on when he came back from being crazy in Africa and stuff really yeah he did at the Comedy Store I got a oh you should put that online that's so crazy though that i automatically was like i want to see that i'm like an i'm going to get you right in the ring i heard oh this is really that that's from 2008. oh is it yeah he never really said that anyway so somebody just made it up he looked just trolling but he is working out but he still smokes cigarettes it's sad you know such a smart guy unlike brian brian enjoys him just with strep throat he's in there puffing away i didn't have anyone i was on strip there i had one recently because i was like damn i miss the beauty of cigarettes the beauty of you you would quit yeah technically i didn't smoke four days yeah so you made through the hard part and you went right back it's an amazing

thing it's like why do you not want to watch hd tv again cigarettes are that good to you great they're awesome cigarettes coffee how are cigarettes good for you what does it do for you it just it's just it tastes good it's relaxing it's it just takes you down a notch when you need to think about something you light a cigarette up and it just kind of puts you in this like little do you know why nicotine every yeah not even that just the other stuff but every time you smoke a cigarette there's like a slow countdown before you need another one before your system needs that that fix and when it doesn't have that fix and you get all antsy and that antsiness just probably doesn't even manifest itself like really obviously in your everyday life you're just a little bit more tense just a little bit weirder a little bit whatever and you're like man i need a fucking

cigarette and so then whatever happens you get some pussy you fucking you know you step out of the office for a second and then you hit it yeah but everybody has that antsy shit you're like you just do certain things wow that's that just relaxed me no it gave you a fix you're a junkie yeah some people do that take that fix getting any food some people take that fix and alcohol some people take that fix and playing pool something you know you have that antsy shit it is not hot in here for you guys not at all all. I am drenched. The AC's on, man. It's coming out of there. Let me see your armpit, Burt.

Oh, I sweat naturally. I'm a sweater. Both you bitches could use to sweat it off a little bit. I've been sweating for four days. I'm the most detoxed person right now. What is it about the cigarettes that keeps you from... I mean, you know it's bad for you. What is it about it that is it about the cigarettes that keeps you from i mean you know it's bad for you

what is it about it that is it just you just may weigh the risks versus the reward and they were you like fuck it i like the whole thing man i like going out to have a cigarette and the ritual talking to the people outside i like eating a good meal it just after that you have a fucking cigarette and just it's it just it's like a perfect mint to a dinner I I you know with alcohol forget about it that's just like it's ridiculous how great cigarettes are with alcohol it's like a good pairing with everything and yeah I understand it's horrible yeah I'm going to get butt hole cancer of the lungs but like I don't care like like I I know I need to quit I know i need to quit but i'm not in a

huge rush to quit if i told you that all of the stuff that you just said you loved that you could erase that and never know like never have smoked never have smoked ever okay would you do it or would you still go fuck it i still i would not believe that there's a thing like that. Because you can't erase the fucking whole ritual. No, I tell you right now, I smoked and I do not smoke. Are you saying hypnotize? No, I smoked and I don't smoke and I have no want for it whatsoever. None. No, it's been a very long time that I've not smoked a cigarette.

But like I'm saying is you will quit and then soon all that shit you love will just disappear. And you'll go, ah, it's funny, I don don't miss them like i don't miss them at all so you don't ever ever think like oh man that cigarette actually smells really good right never do i think a cigarette smells good really no no one thinks the cigarette smells good except the person with it in their mouth i don't i love the smell goes up and down because i swear when brian didn't smoke cigarettes he had a completely different tune. He would tell you how horrible they were and how the smell of it makes him sick now. And he can't believe he was ever so stupid that he smoked.

And he feels so much better. And he can think better. It's like it's not. I have this constant worry about when the next cigarette is coming. It's like loaning an Android device and bragging about it. Yes, I understand. That's what it used to be like. It used to be like that. And then you got back to cigarettes now you're like citrus

are the most awesome thing in the world world they make i'll tell you what the only the only thing is they make a long car ride doable oh car rides you know what makes a long car ride doable this shit right here podcasting oh fuck yeah this is where this is designed that's why we don't do them live, folks. People go, you guys should have a live podcast. You know how annoying that would be if we were live in your car at a giant comedy club? Those things are...

The only way a live podcast would be cool is if the live part was interactive. Don Barris did it right. Don Barris did a live podcast successfully on his Big Free podcast. He did it in front of a studio audience. He did it right. Don Barris did a live podcast successfully on his Big Ten or Big Three podcast. He did it in front of a studio audience. He did two episodes. It was hilarious.

Well, Don's more like he puts on a show, though. Oh, it was beautiful. Yeah. His isn't like a standard podcast like the way we would have. Like if we did this in front of a live audience, it probably wouldn't be the best. It would suck. But what I was thinking is I think what would be a great idea, though, is to have an interactive one. Have like a question and answer sort of a podcast.

That would be easy to do. I would love to answer people's questions. Yeah, and people, we could put that online, and people would enjoy that. And that would be actually a fun thing. And if we did it on a night at a comedy club, we could do some stand-up, too. We could all do a set first i'll do like a short set you know maybe everybody does like 15 20 minutes so we're the first hour of it plus is just comedy yeah and then we'll do a little q a where all of us get on like like we

did at the end of my comedy special in atlanta everybody came on stage in atlanta joey was up there really yeah yeah and we all um duncan was up there we all talked to the audience and the audience got to uh ask us questions what kind of questions do they ask do they ask like where do you get them dmt man we're looking at the mt man it's a lot of the questions are silly one of them was a guy a guy who uh wanted to challenge me about the moon landing who would win brock versus a flotation tank by the way ladies and gentlemen did you see the the rover yeah that was really sweet actually i don't not believe that we went to the moon people are confused on my stance i've altered it several times so there is some confusion my current stance is i don't i do not believe that

we didn't go to the moon and and I'm not convinced that we went. That's what I think. Hold on, say that again. I would never say we didn't go, because I don't know if we went, but I'm not convinced we went. No, I'm not 100% convinced. It sounds so stupid.

I know it sounds stupid, but I think it might have been possible. It's more interesting that you don't believe it, though. Yeah. Because you do that with almost everything. You want to believe the opposite. Like you're a rebel. I want to.

No, I want to be honest. When it comes to Bigfoot and UFOs, believe me, dude. Nobody wants to believe in Bigfoot or UFOs more than me. Nobody does. But I look at it and I go, I am not buying it. I'm not buying it. I'm not buying it. Especially not buying UFOs. I just look at it and i go i am not buying it i'm not buying it i'm not especially not buying ufos i just look at it i look at the people that are talking about it and i go i think there's some fuckery afoot i think that there's a lot of people that are seeing government aircrafts that they

don't understand a lot of stealth technology a lot of new drones and all kinds of shit that the government's been working on forever i think a lot of it is that do I rule out the possibility that somewhere someone in our past has seen a spaceship from? Another dimension or another world no definitely not, but there's too many sightings. I'm not buying it I don't I think most of it is crazy people You know if you a certain amount of any story you hear from people any Fantastical story that just gets distributed through the internet of the news or whatever a huge amount of any story you hear from people, any fantastical story that just gets distributed through the Internet or the news or whatever, a huge percentage of that has got to be crazy people

that want attention because it's so easy to get attention. And if you're the type of person that wants to fake something, what are you going to do? You can make crop circles. You can make a fake UFO photo. Well, they believed for a long time that crop circles were real. And then they did that video where the guy proved he could do it in the night the only problem with that the only problem with those crop circles is the ones that they can do they pale in comparison to some of the ones that are

unexplained yeah because the the kick-ass people don't want to talk to not just that there's something that happens to the um the nodes of the plant they explode out like with using a chemical like well it looks like a microwave they actually what I was going to say is there was a show where some kids from MIT, I believe it was from MIT, MIT or Harvard, recreated all of the situations that happen inside of a crop circle. They did it inside of four hours. They did it at night.

They did it with night vision. They put together a pretty, it wasn't the most complex, but it was a pretty cool one. It was a cool crop circle that mimicked one of their science buildings on their campus. And they actually figured out a way to, there's little iron fragments, like almost microscopic, like balls of iron, melted iron that people found inside the crop circles. They recreated that? Yeah. They looked at that and they said, well, maybe this is evidence that some sort of a massive microwave technology was being used and it cooked the ground

and the iron in the ground was turned to these hot little metal beads there was like that was or there's some sort of a reaction to it that was one of the thoughts and maybe the they they connected that to the growth nodes to the fact that these uh these nodes had explode but these kids these students were able to recreate all of the um the different characteristics they were they made the growth nodes they had a microwave thing that they would blast he was wearing like a crazy radiation suit and it was pretty nuts with a long extension cord attached to a generator and they're microwaving all the the wheat and then when they microwave the weed some of it popped and blew out just like those growth nodes really so they recreated that they um they had this like this fire uh gun that they would spray this um this uh carbon into and they were like trying to make uh these little iron you

know molten iron iron pellets and uh they recreated it they recreated these iron like i think it was like iron ore or something like that. I forget what it was. They were shooting through this blast of fire and then they eventually did it with a bomb. They put the iron ore in a bomb and they blew a bomb up sky high in the middle of the field. All these are ridiculous

because that's not how the people who did it could have done it because otherwise people are going to see this fucking torch in the middle of their field. They're going to to see this fucking torch in the middle of their field. They're going to hear the bomb go off in the middle of their field. So it doesn't explain it well enough for it to be reasonable for the iron particles. But the other thing was the expulsion, the explosion of these nodes in these plants. They can only do it in a couple of plants. in these plants, they can only do it in a couple of plants.

Whereas in these larger crop circles that are more complex, it seems like it's much more prevalent. So the real question is, how do they do in those things? And there's a lot of people that believe, and it might really be not a bad idea or not a bad thought, is that this is just some technology that is not public, that there's a way to make a geometric pattern in a field of wheat with some sort of a laser that's attached to a satellite that's in the sky and then it can shoot down and cut into the ground like this this this thing that it can microwave

these plants and flatten them out it sounds ridiculous but so does the internet you know everything sounds ridiculous i had a guy from the CDC in my show in Atlanta. What is the CDC? Center for Disease Control? Yeah, and he had me convinced. I'm telling you, convinced that the government created AIDS to kill gays and blacks. Well, he's an idiot. Convinced.

Yeah, but that's ridiculous. There's people that say that are silly. You don't... That is so silly. You think that the government is trying to kill off gays and black people. Well, they're doing

a real shit job of it, okay? There's just gay people and black people everywhere. That's it! That's it! Maybe it is true. Maybe it is true. Maybe that's why the government...

Because the government fucks up everything. They fuck up everything. So in them trying to wipe out gays and blacks, they've actually increased their numbers tenfold. It so stupid they're doing a horrible job yeah it's so stupid we're trying to kill off the poor people no poor people are dying because they're sick you crazy and when you know the the standard for calling someone like the real problem with

aids in africa everyone's like aids africa everyone has aids in africa yeah but you know what you know what aids is aids means your immune system has crashed and there's a bunch of reasons for africa everyone's like aids africa everyone has aids in africa yeah but you know what you know what aids is aids means your fucking immune system has crashed and there's a bunch of reasons for that and one of them is the lack of nutrition those people have but so it's not hiv no a lot of it isn't man when you attach aids to the same like when you call it all the same thing it's not all the same thing man that the aids the the crushing of the immune cells uh the immune system that these africans are experiencing may or may not be hiv related but they're not testing them the same thing man that the aids the the crushing of the immune cells uh the immune system that these africans are experiencing may or may not be hiv related but they're not testing them all for

hiv when they come up these statistics they're seeing people with aids they're seeing people are wasting away and they know what the fuck is going on but i i guarantee you that a percentage of that has got to be nutrition a large percentage i thought i that's crazy i thought it was i thought everyone just had aids like no it becomes you see it becomes a social issue and it becomes something like if you want to donate money to aids research that is like you know that's like real that's real but if you want to donate money to there's these people that aren't eating and they're getting really sick oh they don't even have a disease i'm gonna save my money for a disease you know yeah it's all disease anything you know if you've got fucking bulimia that's a disease you're dis-ease you're not at ease you're a fucking mess you know

and these poor people in africa what you're dealing with is a bunch of different factors i'm sure some of them are getting hiv too and whether or not hiv even causes aids is that peter duisburg guy who scares the fucking shit out of you because he's a biologist at the university california berkeley and look i'm a i have no understanding of biology diseases how they work how they enact you know retroviruses i don't understand any of that stuff right so when i listen to a guy like that talk and say that he doesn't believe that hiv even causes aids and he thinks that aids is a bunch of ridiculous shit sounds like it is? That's just like you and you're always against the idea. When you were a kid, did people lie to you a lot? Oh, yeah.

Every single person lied to you, right? I'm really good at spotting liars because I get lied to a lot. Yeah. Sure. Your dad was lying to you? I was around a bunch of idiots. Okay. It was about a bunch of crazy, violent idiots when I was a little kid.

So I, at an early age was forced to like look at everything for myself i couldn't trust that guy i thought he was cool i thought he was my dad until he started hitting my mom i couldn't trust that guy because even though it's my grandfather he was trying to my mom in front of me what yeah i remember that when i was a little kid like my mother was running away from my dad's dad because he was trying to grab her and he's trying to grab her pussy in front of me that's it's been over I was real little it's like four or five but it was one of those staining memories like where he's like chasing around like a counter or something like that and I just it just creeped me the fuck out man is your mom still alive yeah where'd she live I don't want to

tell people hey so I got I got something that I need to tell you guys. You guys need to get this done. My mom doesn't like me talking about her on the podcast. Really? Bert, you need to get this done. She's a very private person. We're in the middle of talking about my mom, dude. I know.

I was changing it for you. A little respect. I was changing it for you. My mom would love me to talk about her. She'd be like, bring me up. What do you want to say? When I had my AIDS outbreak this weekend, when I was at the doctor, and they put that thing in your ear to make your ears ears i don't know why they didn't see your ears

but uh they they were like dude your your earwax is really bad i can't even see your eardrums oh my god oh my god please tell me you're pulling up a video on the internet of cleaning out ears no no no i just saw that the other day all right well he's just telling you he's about to tell you that he just did it uh so so they're like you know that's bad i'm like yeah i know i actually always have to try to clean my ears out with hydrogen peroxide i'm always doing the q-tip thing and she's like no no that shit just pushes it in it does nothing you need to come back here here pour this in your ears tonight and then pour it in this one in your ear in the morning and come back to me in like a day or two and i'm like okay and so i go home i pour this shit in my ear and then the next day i poured in my other you know ear whatever and i go there and she puts

this like what it was a like heavy duty water pick in my ear and she pushes it in and at first you're like it doesn't hurt it kind of vibrates so it's kind of uncomfortable but doesn't hurt and uh and you're holding up this like little jar next to your ear and then she goes oh my god that i've never seen that that came all out in one chunk and then i'm like what and i look at it and the water is brown and there's like a chunk of wax the size of like a half dollar and like just amazing it was amazing half dollars bigger than your head it was humongous and she said that my whole ear canal was filled with wax wow and and what happens is she's like there's two different kinds of ear uh earwax there's the ones that's kind of like a honey and there's one that's kind of like

a prune and she's like you have the prune kind which like builds and builds and it stays kind of like a hard thing so you never even know it's there it just makes your ear canal I gotta get the number this lady well this is just a minute clinic and CVS which I don't know if you know what those you went into CVS to get this done no no I found this new so anyways I did my other ear it was twice as bad anyways and now I have HD hearing like seriously two or three times better hearing than then I was there like people she's like people think like they have this thing after they get done there where they call it like i have dog hearing now and i'm like that's what it feels like i feel like i i have been like i didn't pop my ears for 10 years dude i gotta get in on that

so have you seen the videos yeah you know that's why they have certain sounds that they put uh around uh certain buildings that only kids can hear and it's like annoying to keep kids away right yeah there's a frequency that young kids can hear and it's like annoying to keep kids away right yeah there's a frequency that young kids can hear that we can't hear anymore really yeah i heard about that i heard about that there's a ringtone that you can get for your phone that does that frequency that only kids so your parents can't hear when you can't hear that you're getting text that's hilarious wow what is what what did you interrupt or say because i had something to say about that what you were saying very Was it very fast?

Very fast what? Remember, I was just saying the story, and I was like, oh, wait, very fast anyways, the HD. Oh, about your ear thing? When you interrupted with the ear thing, we were talking about my mom. No, no, no. I mean, during my ear story, Bert, you said something right at the very end, and it made me speed up the end, but I wanted to get to it. I have no idea. We lost it, son. Fucking marijuana.

Dust in the wind. I definitely got in minute clinics i went to minute clinics did you know the cvs has these things you just go in you could be like type in your name this woman goes all right ready to see you you come and be like hey i got strep throat she's let me check yeah you do here's your medicine uh prescription bye shut up and you don't have to do any of the doctor shit anymore. So I just go to these minute clinics. Is it a doctor who diagnoses you? Yeah.

Well, it's a nurse. Nurse practitioner. I know what you're talking about. Yeah. And so they know enough for most things, like most common colds, strep throat, whatever bullshit. But so now I just go all the time because it's covered by insurance also. Even if it wasn't, it's only like $60 or $70. And you just go there and be like, I think I have strep.p and she's like you open your mouth she goes you probably do yeah you do and then you just go next door and drop off your prescription you're in and

out in like an hour there's no wait do you know where they learned that from the oxycontin clinics in florida right pain management yeah pain management a lot of fucking money in pain management well there's a lot of money in prescribing all kinds of different medications anytime you can get a line of people in prescribing all kinds of different medications. Anytime you can get a line of people that need some pills and you can sell them some pills, you just have to have a doctor there that's willing to scribble some shit on some paper and you're golden. My buddy's doing that now. They've created a group of doctors who do house calls but do house calls over the phone.

Oh, that's interesting. And so you basically, it's like, look, the majority of prescriptions are for antibiotics so listen I got a cold I know I need fucking antibiotics can you just prescribe me you take antibiotics every time you get a cold no I don't I don't take anything good for you I'll take a fucking thing that's how I test it's that old Mitch Hedberg it's how I testify of AIDS let's see if I'm alive in five days I've gotten sick sick sick too I had to do it with strep, but I usually don't either. Well, I've had, if I got the flu, when I have the flu, I've taken medicine.

I take that Tamiflu, taking that stuff. It's very good when you, right after you get the flu, like within, what are you doing? Sticking things to my forehead. Soaking up the sweat. But that Tamiflu stuff's very effective if you catch it, like, really quick. What do you guys talk about when you're not doing a podcast we don't talk much we try not to tell he called me the other day and i wanted to tell him about this ear shit but we're like

stop talking and i was like what's the point of talking i was like we have to only talk about like the podcast that we just did like how that podcast yesterday yeah we'll talk that's what we're talking about we'll talk about the podcast that we just did. Like, hello, that podcast yesterday. Yeah, that's what we're talking about. We're talking about what went good, what didn't go so good. Brian, how did you not videotape them cleaning out your ear? I was thinking of it. Yeah, it was really disgusting. So they cleaned out your ear at CVS?

Yeah. I'll go tomorrow. I want to get my ears cleaned. They have a little closet. There's not every CVS. You have to have MinuteClinic. But if you go to MinuteClinic.com or CVS. They have a little room about the size of a little small office. You just go in, and they do it all right there.

It's super cheap, super convenient. I love it. They're really nice people. I got a colonic one time. That thing was fucking amazing. Speaking about health, i tried the bacon and eggs diet in the morning bacon eggs and coffee and i tried the kale shake that's why he looks a rip and i'm back to the kale shake really unfortunately the reality is that bacon

and eggs when you you have the bacon and eggs and coffee breakfast that uh rob wolf the uh the guy who wrote the paleo solution was he supposed to try for a month though no is that what he said yeah try for a month and then let me know how you feel really i tried it for a little while the digestive uh juices it's it's a very different operation for a kale shake than it is for bacon and eggs and the amount of energy i have like when i have a kale shake i don't feel hungry I have energy. It's a very weird thing. And it's not like I'm struggling to process the food that's in my body. It's super easy to process because it's already Vitamix down. It's already blended the fuck up.

It does not taste that good. It doesn't. It tastes okay. But for the health benefits, I take that shit in the morning and I feel fucking great. And I've tried the other way. I try. Listen, nobody likes fucking bacon and eggs more than me i love it i like bacon and eggs with hot sauce that's what i like to do throw a little salt and pepper on them fucking sunny side up bags and give me some fucking hot sauce i'll eat the shit out of some bacon and eggs and i fucking love bacon when he was talking about cooking bacon for two hours my dick got hard okay but the reality

for me is that i find that i think you need i i feel personally like i need some animal protein i try i've tried like to go vegan before i've tried to go just to for experimental purposes i i get i fucking miss meat man i miss it especially after i lift weights or anything really strenuous, my body wants some meat. And I'm not really a big fan of cows. I wish they were treated better. I would rather eat game. I would rather eat wild things that were running around their whole life and then got blasted out of nowhere. I think that's the most humane and the smartest way for us to approach it. I really think Ted Nugent's got it nailed. That guy lives on a fucking giant ranch, and he kills animals every day. He goes, and he sits up in a tree stand, and he waits, and he shoots a fucking deer with a bow and arrow, and that's what they eat for dinner.

Takes it home. Fucking good. Yeah, he's got a whole fucking setup out there. I mean, it's amazing, and it's so good for you, too. It's so good for you. But when I look at what makes me feel the healthiest, I've tried the bacon and eggs in the morning, and although it's fucking fantastic and delicious as shit, I don't feel as good as when I have the kale shakes.

No, wait. Kale shakes just give me more energy. They're fucking amazing. I'm not struggling to digest it. There's a difference between the digestion feeling of the bacon. And eggs, by the way, are pretty goddamn light. You could chew some eggs down. You could have like three sunny side up eggs with like very little butter.

And there's really nothing. You know, it's like, it's really light. If you poach them, they're fucking, they're fantastic. Yeah, fantastic. Really, really light. But what are you putting in your kale shake that it tastes like shit? Because mine tastes amazing. Sperm.

No. A little bit of that. I just put the standard ingredients, celery, cucumber, kale, and then I always have raw garlic and ginger and coconut oil. Rob Wolf says you should put coconut oil. It helps your body to absorb the nutrients in the kale shakes when you add a little fat to it. And coconut oil is a really healthy fat to have anyway.

It's super good for you. Mine tastes like juicy fruit. Whoa. They're fucking amazing. What are you putting in there? Half a banana, half a pear, half an orange. Kale and a handful of grapes. So yours is more like a fruit smoothie.

A fruit smoothie, yes. It definitely, and I wonder, because when I was drinking them, I wasn't losing a ton of weight. I was plateaued, hardcore. That's a lot of calories. I think it's a lot. The bananas have a dickload of calories. Well, there's also all that other stuff.

It's got a lot of sugar in it. Yeah. And even though it's fruit sugar, it's sugar, natural sugars from fruit, it's better for you than standard sugar, like processed sugar. You still really shouldn't have that much probably all the time you know i think the your body aches for greens fruits are very good very important especially after training after training like fruits taste fucking delicious oh you have a nice delicious pear you know donnell rollins too yeah don Rollins, we were doing this show,

this TV show for, whatchamacallit, for Comedy Central, and Donnell is like, Donnell grew up in the hood. He's a respectful, he wouldn't dress in gay shit, because he was like, nah, my boys will see that shit, and I'll never let that shit down. I'm not dressing like no gay. I'm not, you know, that's Donnell.

You're going to get him in trouble. Donnell would say that on this podcast. So, Donnell, we're out in get him in trouble. Donnell would say that on this podcast. So Donnell, we're out in the middle of the desert doing a photo shoot for Comedy Central. It's hot as fuck. We're all dusty. And they bring out a huge bowl of watermelon. And Donnell just fucking couldn't bring himself to eat the watermelon.

Because he's like, nah, I'm not going to fucking do that. I'm not going to eat watermelon in front of a bunch of white people. That's so silly. It was great. So funny. It's just such a weird thing, that thing that watermelon thing watermelon and chicken are both delicious Apply that black people enjoy watermelon and chicken. No sudden. You're a racist I'm implying you enjoy delicious foods to by the way, maybe the best foods ever Really good fried chicken is fucking fantastic

If you get like some sick like roscoe's chicken and waffle fried chicken yeah you go to roscoe's you ever go to roscoe's yes god damn roscoe's is good the waffles are fucking even better than the waffles are sensational and the fucking chicken is perfect it's it's fucking that's some good tasting food and watermelon when you're hot and thirsty is the most satisfying fruit ever how could anybody be upset that you're talking about them liking chicken and waffles? Or chicken and watermelon? I don't know where that came in. Why that would be.

Everyone likes that shit. It's weird. You know, chickens at one point in time were a luxury item. That's why one of the presidents, I think it was Roosevelt, promised a chicken in every pot. You know, the chicken was the more preferred animal. It was harder to get it was beef was more common the reason they fried it the reason is that it traveled well really if you fried it you

could it could last oh really yeah that was why that was why the fried chicken was a big southern thing because you could travel with it how long will it last if you fry it uh i don't know i mean it lasts forever if you put it in the fridge, but I'm guessing more than one meal. So this was, they used to have to roll the dice with food back then, right? Fuck. When they made food, they probably were real careful with, like, leftovers and shit. Once we figured out leftovers, it's really interesting because that's how sort of society was created. If you stop and look, first of all, we figured out how to get all our shit and put it together. We figured out agriculture, and we figured out how to get everything in one place.

We built cities. And then you have resources. Everything's all stockpiled up. And then it gets to where we're at today. It's like now we've figured out a way to stockpile pretty much everything, and even food in your house. You can eat it and cook it, and then you store it away in the freezer. So it's like you're stockpile pretty much everything and even food in your house like you can eat it and cook it and

then you store it away in the freezer so it's like you're stockpiling yeah you know and that that's something you couldn't do when you were just walking around outside trying to hunt for food every day that's hard keeping vegetables yeah like vegetables think how quick vegetables go bad they never and then they all ripe at once. Yeah. And you're like, fuck, everyone, let's start eating cucumbers. Yeah, it's all you can do. You've got to eat them as quick as you can. And then in the winter, you're fucked.

If there's an apocalypse, you know the number one animal to get that will sustain you and your entire family? What? Rabbit. Rabbits? Yeah, I saw one of those fucking doomsday preparers. You know, you can starve from eating rabbits. It's like a type of uh a lack of fat to your diet you can uh you can literally starve you can you don't get enough nutrients

yeah if uh if say if you like trap somewhere and all you had to eat was rabbits for like a month you might starve to death just eating just those rabbits well they said this guy said he said you it's crazy yeah well i'm pretty sure it's true this guy says they reproduce so quickly that within a year you your fucking crop is huge well the thing is you would have to eat other things as well yeah rabbit starvation is true death from rabbit starvation or the eating of other skinny meat who wrote that though bugs this is on no bro this is a fucking wikipedia with scientific uh statements i was really it was really, it's a form of acute malnutrition caused by excess consumption of any lean meat.

Coupled with a lack of other sources of nutrients, usually in combination with other stressors, such as severe cold or dry environment. So if it's a severely dry desert or really dry environment,

you can eat rabbits and starve to death. Weird. That's crazy. That's a soft dick. Yeah. Sym yeah symptoms include diarrhea headache fatigue that's every day for brian you're dying of rabbit poison son i hate to tell you this yeah isn't that amazing that's yeah you need fat your body needs fat it's very important we got

real weird with all this low fat this and low fat that we we need fat there's a lot of like avocado there's like healthy fats you can get from plants if you're not into eating animals, but you need some fucking fat in your body. You need to lube up those joints, bitch. I just want protein and some vegetables. That's my fucking diet these days. Steak.

That's what's up. That's what's up, vegans. You don't know. I'm down with all your food. You guys make some delicious, nutritious, and very healthy food. However, it can't fuck with a ribeye you cannot fuck with a ribeye over mesquite bone in that mess fuck yeah son did we say bone in fuck yeah son there's no better feeling than oh the smell what's wrong with you how could you run away from it fuck a cow they would eat you they would eat

you if you were made out of grass they would eat you they would eat you if you were made out of grass they would eat the fucking shit out of you they don't care about you they're dumb as hell you should not torture them for sure absolutely i think that factory farming is cruel i'd be much willing more willing to pay more for a a burger that comes from sustainable farms where they're doing it organically and they you know humanely kill the cow when it comes time to do it. I would much rather do that. But, cows are here to be eaten. Alright? Don't get crazy. Steak is goddamn delicious.

And, if we didn't kill cows, we're gonna have to fucking run around neutering them then. We're gonna have to figure out some way to stop them from fucking. We're gonna have a regular environment. We're gonna have to separate the bull from the cows. And then what? We just let those cows not breed and starve to death? Or do we let this animal go extinct because we're not going to eat it anymore?

Because those are the options. Or mountain lions on the streets. Those are your options. What's your options? We bring fucking tigers into North America? There's a lot of assholes that would like that. Would you really? Yeah, because I think it would make people nicer.

Look at Pasadena. Have you seen Pasadena? There's more bears in pasadena again again like think about it they're swimming in everyone's pools now like all these bears are going because it's so hot in pasadena they're going well they're coming down from big bear they're coming down from uh lake arrowhead and big bear this is like a weekly thing now and they pretty much just said yeah this is going to happen it's really hot time to go bear hunting in the backyard that That's what I say. A bear that's in my yard can suck my dick. I'm going to shoot him. I'm not calling

conservation. I have a big compound bow. What if he has tickets to Lady Gaga? How much trouble do you think you get in trouble for killing a bear? I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. Maybe I have to pay a fine. What if it's Tom Segura? That bear needs to be shot and killed. Do I really mean this? No, I'd probably call the... I'm just fucking around. I would call animal control. I would definitely bring my kids and say this is what a bear looks like and

i would definitely have a gun on me you know in case the bear tried to get into the house do you have a shotgun dude i got a lot of really yeah don't we shot machine guns i know guns man i want to show you have you seen the videos Of all the This uh By the way In no way Do we make light Of any of the Recent gun shooting Tragedies that have

Been going on When you discuss guns I think that's sort of The elephant in the room You have to bring up All these different Tragedies that are going on Yeah

This Sikh temple thing Is so horrific man If you've never met Sikhs before They are some of the Nicest most peaceful people And they're saying That someone confused them.

Some white supremacist dude confused them with Muslims, and he was an idiot. Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, he was a veteran. He probably had PTSD. So anyway, he goes in and shoots up this place. But there's videos, and this is where it gets really crazy, of these people that are from the temple who were talking to Reporters and they're talking about multiple gunmen. They said there were three other guys. They kept saying this Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I didn't see that pull it up here. I'll tell you what the video is Eddie Bravo

tweeted it of course when Eddie Bravo tweets things you gotta go Of course, when Eddie Bravo tweets things, you got to go, hmm. I need to see more pictures of clouds. Infowars.com. His cloud collection must be off the hook. Oh, dude, he knows when they're spraying. So you say they're clouds. He knows when they're spraying. He knows when they're spraying.

He's the only reason I know about chemtrails. Yeah, he's a beautiful person. I talk about chemtrails all the time, and people are always like, really? And I go, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I never knew where it came from. It's from Eddie Bravo. He believes that shit, man. He believes it.

It would be crazy if he was right. Let me find this, man. Give me a second. So this guy was so stupid that he confused Sikhs with the terrorists? I think so. I think he just doesn't like how they look, like the turbans and the hair. Because, I mean, during these interviews, you could tell dumb people look at that and be like, those are terrorists. People do.

Dumb people do look at that and go, oh, yeah, look at that. But that's fucking ridiculous. Yeah, that's the standard story. This story is much more fantastical. Okay, this is the video. more fantastical. Okay, this is the video. Go to Seek Massacre,

S-I-K-H S-I-K-H Massacre, and then colon, that's the two dots, one on top of the other. Why would you do that? I witness testimony. I witness... Why don't you use two hands,

you silly bitch? Testimony contradicts official story. Well, it's not ridiculous. These people are saying, and this is where it gets interesting, is because these people are saying that they were there and they saw more than one gunman. And it could mean they were in absolute abject terror and they hallucinated, but the fact that so many of them hallucinated, you know, when you're in a period of an intense traumatic situation like that, it is possible that one person could say that.

Yeah, but no one in the Colorado massacre said anything more than that. Yes, they did. They did? Yeah, they did. Yeah. Yeah, that's it. Click on it. Click on that.

My dad is out and at the hospital, and we're just relaying information back and forth. I'm trying to get as much info as possible. What have you learned from him about what transpired inside or from your mother? So the most I can learn or the most I know as of now, is that there are multiple shooters. There's multiple people. It was a very well coordinated thing. It wasn't haphazard. And I think that's why police and everybody are taking the proper protocol to get the situation under control.

Not trying to jeopardize anything and describe what's happening currently but as far as your mother she was at the time that we spoke at one point hiding um did she give you any sense for how many people at that time at least were hiding um the the sense over there was when she started hiding in the closet she didn't know how many people were out there so So she just kept saying, That's the wrong video. That's one of them. That's the wrong one.

But this is what I want you to Google. Go to YouTube. Is this one right here? No, that's not it. Just go to YouTube. Yeah, but there's all these videos. I know, but just trust me. Go to YouTube and get this video

because this is a really good one. It's a great compilation. But that right there, he said something very important in that video. What did he say? He said that there was multiple shooters and my mom didn't know before she hid how many shooters there was so she made to the conclusion that there was multiple shooters after she hit okay i don't know what you're talking about but go pull this just pull this up

seek s-i-k-h massacre massacre m-A-S-S-A-C. And seek massacre and eyewitness testimony. Testimony. Contradicts. C-T-S. C-T-S. Yeah, that's it. The second one down. Oh, second one down? Yeah, that's it the second one down oh second one yeah that's it that's it that's it that's it that's it now listen to this because this is we now know this is the gunman who opened fire inside that sick temple your military vest

shooters and that they are Caucasian descent all right that just so you know that guy i just explained yeah yeah that's complete bullshit hold up stop it brian that is not complete bullshit you are relaying a man's discussion that his mother said to him you don't know if it's total bullshit it's too much chain down the information you know what he said exactly no what he said though he said something very very important his mom had no idea how many shooters there was until after she hid. You're right. So she's hidden, and she came to the conclusion there's multiple shooters. That's what he said.

But he's relaying what his mom said. That shit gets very foggy. He's on the phone with her, he said. But he's relaying what she said. All right. You know, unless you're talking to her and she says that, you don't know why the fuck she thought it. There might be something else to the reason why she thought there was multiple shooters.

There might be more than one reason. They might have seen it later. This video is only focusing on... Just play this. Play this. There are multiple shooters. There's multiple people. It was a very well-coordinated thing.

It wasn't haphazard. Four white males who were dressed darkly, dressed in all black clothing, came in and opened fire on the congregation. One of the gunmen is down, so there's three left. My mom's hiding in the closet right now. She's hyper scared and saying that the people are still in there. I don't know how many. Some people went inside, unidentified people went inside the church and they did a bunch of shooting.

One of the wounded men said an unknown number of gunmen had walked into the kitchen of the Sikh temple and opened fire. A man who said his father had been wounded reported that there had been multiple gunmen. We now know this is the gunman who opened fire inside that sick temple. A military vet. You know what we are really seeing apparently is lone wolf terrorism. And what we need to do is change the way in which people think about guns, especially young people. We need to do this every day of the week and just really brainwash people into thinking about guns in a vastly different way and just really brainwash people into thinking about guns in a vastly different way. And just really brainwashed people into thinking about guns in a vastly different way. See, that's why it's weird.

It wasn't just one guy. That's why I was trying to tell you to let it play. The one guy is relaying some shit from his mom. The other people that saw it. The other dude was in there, it sounds like. Well, yeah, and the other woman was in there. She saw more than one person. Everybody was saying there was more than one person.

Does that mean there was more than one person? No, it doesn't. Because I'll'll tell you if you've ever been inside of any sort of a chaotic situation people lose their shit and a lot of times people don't know exactly what's going on they're on survival mode they're on fight or flight mode when adrenaline takes over people go into a tunnel and they don't know what the fuck is going on and if you know one person starts saying there's more than one gunman you need just need one person to say it and then boom you'll you'll everybody will be repeating he was also ex-military is that what they said so that could be another thing if these were all military guys and they grabbed the other three or you know what it could be yeah who knows it

might be some militia and they kidnapped the other three yeah you know they're gonna let them go because they have a fucking cop somewhere who knows man you know i don't know if there's four people or just one person in there i you know i don't know if it was really just a uh but the sad thing is that these people died and if it really was some sort of a white supremacist group these people are the nicest people ever seeks first of all they eat marijuana it's part of their religion yeah they have some like crazy yogurt you're doing it wrong they have some Like crazy yogurt drink You're doing it wrong They have some

The fuck they are This shit will blow you Through the fucking Center of the universe I thought if you just No they cook it They do it It's like a yogurt

It's like a marijuana yogurt I mean they do it to get high Really Yeah it's part of their religion man That's awesome Fuck yes I run into a lot of Sikhs in Canada They come to a lot of shows

Especially in Toronto They are some of the nicest Fucking coolest people you'll ever meet. But people are thrown off because we see a guy in a turban. We assume Muslim. We assume they hate us. Sikhs love the Western way of life. Sikhs aren't even Muslim. No, they're not.

It's totally different. Not only that, they're really open about having their... I think they're a type of Buddhist. Wait a minute. I think Sikh is the religion. Yeah, what is it? It's a type of Indian. Wait a minute. I think Sikh is the religion. Yeah, what is it? It's a type of Indian. Sikh is S-I-K-H.

Let's find out, because I've met a lot of them, and they seem to be some really nice people. And so when I see this, it's a monotheistic religion founded in the 15th century in the Punjab region. Continued progress with ten successive Sikh gurus. Sikhs are expected to embody the qualities of a Sant Sipa, a saint soldier. One must have control over one's internal vices and be able to be constantly immersed in virtues clarified in the Guru Granth Sahib. The principal belief of the Sikh are faith in the Waheguru represented by the phase. Whoa, this is weird. I don't even know what all these

extra dots are. Yeah, I'll try this. It on tar, it on tar, meaning one God, along with praxis in which the Sikh is enjoined in to engage in social reform through the pursuit of justice for all human beings. This sounds like the most beautiful religion ever. It was very peaceful. Yeah, Sikh advocates the pursuit of salvation in a social context through the congressional practice of meditation on the name and message of God. The followers of Sikh are ordained to follow the teachings of the ten sikh gurus or enlightened leaders as well as the holy scripture entitled the the good grand sahib granth sahib g which along with the writings of the six secret is getting a little wordy i i think we figured out the the conspiracy though they're all high on marijuana and they're

seeing multiple people i'll tell you what well that's actually a good point it's a very good point if they were in the they're they're actually high on the super high in their ceremony yes yeah that makes a hundred percent i was really good point when i was a kid we uh me and my buddy and his mom took a boat across our lake to go watch a party right and these and these i have to leave yeah i guess i have to leave soon and uh these kids started throwing oranges at us it was like the most traumatic thing that ever happened to me in that at that time because it was a middle of the night than gene simmons or less than gene simmons it was before gene simmons do you think gene simmons gonna reach out to you after this fuck him let him try oh what year was this he was nice to me when i met him twice sure he was nice

what year was this uh in 2000. 2000? 2000. Yeah. Maybe he changed in the last 12 years. Would you give him a break? Yeah, I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. Gene, if you'd like to come to my show, I won't have any... Would you have him in your man cave and do a podcast with him? Yeah. Whoa. Oh, in a fucking heartbeat. You need to do that for his reality show. It'd be a good episode. The guy got a

facelift on TV. He did. He's got a fresh face. In his rider, everyone's got shit in their rider. In his rider, he has to come in and see the lighting the day before. So he came over to the studio the day before and checked the lighting and had his own lighting guy come in and redo the lighting. Wow. Yeah.

Why would you care about the lighting? Because his hair, I think. Oh. So he wants to make sure it's not... Dropping down on him. Yeah, dropping right down on his hair. So it's super soft. Everyone looked good in that episode.

Super soft. Do you know why they do riders? Why the concept of a rider is there? Why? Initially. So like, was it Guns N' Roses or Van Halen had the ridiculous rider where they had only brown M&Ms? They wanted M&Ms in the thing, but it's only brown. Which band was it?

I don't fucking know, Joe. Come on, don't pick me apart. Sorry. Eminem's in the thing but it's only Brown which band was it I don't fucking know Joe come on don't pick me apart sorry

so but the reason they did it is because they had a bunch of pyrotechnics so the idea was if they're not paying attention to the smallest thing then they're not

paying attention to anything so that's why they put ridiculous things in Riders so that the artist knew alright this is a top notch show so that was the whole concept of Riders I that the artist knew, all right, this is a top-notch show. So that was the whole concept of Riders. I thought that was fascinating. That is fascinating.

I think it's more like they're spoiled cunts and they want fucking brown M&M's. Some people do. Some people are. Do you have anything in your Rider? No. I think they have to bring water. No.

Heineken's, water. A bottle of red wine. A bottle of red wine. Throat coat, honey. Throat coat, honey, coffee. Wait, this went from nothing? Index cards. water and bottle red water red wine throat coat honey throat coat honey coffee um sharpies sharpies yeah you're right that's exactly really and turkey or any kind of mixed meats gotta have some meat are you and fruit we got a fruit for it too yeah fuck i have nothing in my rider i'll get a rider sign you know when it's important it's important when you're rolling

with joey fucking diaz and he's hungry. And if you don't ever want Joey hungry, you want to have some food around for him to make a quick sandwich. So if Joey can slap a fucking... He'll be right about to go on stage. He's got a fucking ham. Look what we got here. We got some fucking cheese. Dude, he is the most requested comic when I go on the road.

He's an animal. They're like, when's Joey Diaz coming here? And I'm like, I have no fucking idea. I don't book his dates. I played played this for everybody the video of him i'll play it for you after the podcast i've already played on the podcast before of him going on stage in new york and it's like a minute and a half of people screaming before he goes on stage it's what the what this podcast is taking things to the next level every time i go on stage it's the machine death squad and you're like but joey is but joey is the embodiment i was saying this to brian joey has is like uh is like the

thing you can't get like you can't get it in your hometown so when it does come to your hometown you're like fuck that's how that came out today i'll tell you what joey is joey's the party yeah joey's the party that's why i bring joey joey has there's not a single special that i've done since 1999 that doesn't have joey in it joey always introduces me joey always comes with me to the shows joey oh because when i'm with joey i'm having fun joey's low he's the life of the party like yes this is what i'm so bummed out that my canadian friends can't meet joey that we can't bring joey to canada but joey can't get into canada he's getting that he's in the middle he's getting that fix the fuck out of here here you go to canada i love they let the dude who's in jail for armed kidnapping into canada that's my favorite

part of explaining joey when a club booker goes so what what is he what's he like and i go he's hard to explain and they go well what is he doing before stand up i was like prison it's it's just when you meet a guy like that it's just you know you you want to do everything you can to let other people know about it that's how i feel he's when i met joey and i was like this is such a rare gem of a human i gotta do everything i can to spread this guy's name i want to go on the road with you and joey one weekend okay i'm doing the trip flip thing we start in like a couple weeks yeah. So I'm going to cancel a bunch of dates. But I still want to do stand-up.

I can't do a whole week. So I'd love to fucking do just one of your weekends. Well, I do sometimes. I'll do a stacked show. I got a stacked show coming up in Vegas on August 31st. We decided to have, it's going to be Ari, Duncan, Joey, and me. Holy shit. So we're going to have a big-ass, crazy fucking show at the Mandalay Bay.

I like doing them like that. Sounds partially like a good show. Yeah, this bitch can't let it go. But to have a show like that, like a four-man killer show, four headliners, I think we'll start doing more of those. That's fun. If you do one of those, let me know. I'll do it.

Fuck yeah, dude. You're in, man. Look at my schedule those, let me know. I'll do it. Fuck yeah, dude. You're in, man. Look at my schedule and then let me know where you want to go. I'd do that in a heartbeat. Okay. Come on. I can't do a long weekend, but I can do a weekend with you. Okay.

Well, let's do it. Let's find a couple dates coming up and lock something in. But yeah, we're going all over the fucking place. So I got a lot of shit coming up in North Carolina. I'm doing raleigh and ashville north carolina in september i'm doing uh minneapolis in october yeah i'm doing uh i got a bunch of dates coming up sacramento i'm doing a theater up there um i'm gonna do the san jose improv there's a ufc in san jose that san jose improv is the shit oh it's a beautiful palace

fucking amazing place houdini used to work there yeah it used to be uh if you're in san jose and you don't go to that improv you really you wouldn't even know as you drove by that unless you're like a resident that knows the history of the building but that's an old-time show building from like silent movie days yeah and it is unbelievably gorgeous. It is a beautiful, beautiful club. It's one of my favorite places to work. In San Jose. It's the shit, son. We got a show Wednesday night at the Ice House. That's tomorrow night.

That shit's going to be awesome. That's going to be an insane show. Tom Rhodes is one of my favorite human beings. It's ridiculous. The lineup. Brian. We got Burt Kreischer. Sam Tripoli.

Tom Rhodes. Brody Stevens. Doug Benson, Dom Herrera. That's crazy. And me. I might have to take a car service there to party. Come party, bro. I'm going to party. Take a car service and come party.

I'm going to take a car service and party. Icehousecomedy.com. Yeah, and that means if Burt does that, he'll also be on the Ice House Chronicles. Brody's going to be on it, right? Yeah, Brody. With Brody, with Dom Herrero, with Tom Rhodes. It's sure to be one of the best Ice House Chronicles of all time. And if you want to get to Ice House Chronicles, it's one of my favorite podcasts that we do.

And it's on Brian's label, the Death Squad label. What is Death Squad? That sounds kind of meatheadish. It's a nickname that Opie from Opie and Anthony gave me when I showed up at the studio. We showed up

and Brian and Tate Fletcher and Eddie Bravo and it's like oh Joe Rogan brought the Death Squad. It became like a silly thing. It's silly more than anything.

We don't think we're really killing anybody. Relax. It's fun when people go what is this fucking Death Squad you're a part of? It's craziness.

I can't explain to you. But on iTunes if you go to the Death Squad label on, that's the only way to get Ice House Chronicles. Go to DeathSquad.tv. You can check that shit out there. But we do regular shows at the Ice House. So if you're in Pasadena, most likely, almost every week we're there. It's a great fucking club. It's a club that's been around since the 1960s.

And to us, Brian and i were just talking about this this is our lab it's like the greatest club ever it's like it's the best thing ever for being a comic we get to just do shows every week and you're so like i i don't think i've done one of those shows even remotely sober the last show the last show i did there was in the big room and i kept talking to the lights i I thought there was a balcony Oh, yeah, so for the whole show I kept talking to the balcony And the kid in the front row goes who the fuck are you talking to and I go them and he goes there's no second Floor and I got out of lights. Oh wait, where the fuck the second thought you were at the laugh act I thought I was I was like I thought there was a second fucking floor. That was the funny show

That was so it is chaos. That's when he got off the plane drunk. Every show is the funniest show. The last one we did was more fun than the ones we've done before. And the conversations are fucking epic. It's a real green room. What the Ice House Chronicles are is we've been doing podcasts for a while, but to do a podcast and a show at the same time really is like one of the most perfect combinations because everybody gets loosened up before they go on stage in the podcast studio.

So we're all talking shit and having fun. Taking whiskey shots before you go on stage. I don't think I have done one of those shows without you pulling me aside and going, let's do a shot of Jack. We do shots. We're doing shots tomorrow too. I just put one up yesterday,

the Ice House Chronicles 40 and it has Tiffany Haddish in it this amazing new comic that I love her to death she's great and she's hilarious and she does her secret talent of queefing

shh don't tell people she queefs to the beat but anyway it's the Ice House Chronicles that's going to be a blast always a good time always a good time

and available free all of it's free on iTunes as as well as this podcast, The Joe Rogan Experience. It's on Sirius Satellite Radio. We thank them very much for putting it on the Opie and Anthony channel. Opie and Anthony are our boys. We love them and little Jimmy. So it's an honor to be on the same network as them. But the bottom line is about this show is this show is always going to be free.

I mean, it's online. It's going to remain like this. I think the love that we've experienced from you guys is one of the coolest, most inspiring things that I've ever been a part of in my entire quote-unquote career in show business. I think we figured out how to cut out all the middleman, all the bullshit, all the bullshit all the producers and allow people to have real fucking conversations allow people who are listening to

join in on a real conversation you know i'm not bullshitting you i might be wrong no i fuck things up i get things wrong i've confused dates but i will never lie i i am not lying i will not if i if i if i tell you something it's if i if i if i tell you something it's because i believe it if i tell you something on this podcast it's because i've experienced it or it's in my mind or it's it's truly uh you're gonna get my uncensored thoughts every single fucking don't lie don't lie that was an old thing that brian used to do all the time after videos don't lie but it's true that's sort of our our ethic all of us together and it's an important way of looking at the world man the more truthful you are with your own thoughts

and the more truthful you can be about your your own thoughts to other people the more we can all learn from each other because if you're saying something like burke kreischer you're an honest dude when you tell me something i know that that is coming right from you i go burke kreischer's an honest dude i can totally trust what he's saying right now this is a good conversation as soon as you can't you're in a bullshit conversation as soon as you're talking well how's everything you have you have you been out to the lake this year as soon as you get into a bullshit conversation where you don't really care about what you're saying you're just making noises with your mouth for social purposes yeah you know and nobody's growing from that you're you're not growing from that shit that you have to do when

you're in that fucking cubicle all day talking on the phone answering customer service calls you're not growing from that god damn it nope you you grow from having either experiencing a real conversation through your through your headphones because you're tuning into this podcast or you're having real conversations yourself you're having real conversations with your friends and don't don't keep anybody in your life where you can't have that if you can't have a real conversation with them they are just going to be a goddamn roadblock those people are walking landmines and you owe it to them to tell them the fucking truth don't be that person yourself and if you run into one of those people the only way they're going to change is they're going to feel like shit because people call them out on it and they're gonna have to reassess their own

situation that's the only way you improve people you got to tell the truth don't hang out with cunts and then stop giving me shit for saying the things I do stop giving you shit what are they giving you shit nothing yeah there's a lot of brutal red band haters out there you know why because they look at you and they go I could do that. But they can't do that because they're not you. So tell them to suck it. That's right.

Say it. Suck some Onnit down in your mouth, bitches. Yeah, Onnit.com. Go to Onnit.com. Way to turn that into an ad. Thank you to Alienware MMA also for we're at my house, which, by the way, we do have a uh studio that's going to be set up literally any day now we're waiting to get the green light to get in there and start start the construction but i'm excited it's going to be so delicious i'm going to put in a pool table i might put in an

isolation tank if i could figure out a place to install a shower i think i have a place to i'm bringing i'm bringing this uh illegal wine not an illegal one from uh from the death squad scotland guys gave me I'm bringing that tomorrow. Beautiful. It's called Buckfast. Uh-oh, you're drinking it first. You're going to be the tester. If anyone in Los Angeles wants a cat and they will take good care of it, let me know.

Don't do that. You're going to find some crazy bitch. Done with cats. She's going to skin your cat and send you photos. I can't do it anymore. What's your cat doing? Pissing in your bed? No, no.

It's just I have too many animals in such a small place and it's out of control. You should have brought your dog over, man. I called you to see if you wanted me to do it. Bring your dog over Wednesday. Bring your dog over Wednesday. Are we coming here Wednesday?

Yeah, coming here Wednesday. Joey Diaz tomorrow, ladies and gentlemen. The great Joey Coco motherfucking Diaz. Probably three. All right. All right, ladies and gentlemen.

If you use the code name Rogan, you will save yourself 10% off of any of the supplements at Onnit.com. That's O-N-N-I-T. And again, I discussed this before. If you're interested in any of these things, I suggest you go to the Onnit website because it is very comprehensive.

It discusses all the science behind it. And I also suggest that you Google all this stuff and Google the word nootropics and the controversy behind it. I have been a fan of them for years. I take them on a regular basis. I benefit from them. That's why I sell them. I firmly believe in it enough to the point where the first 30 pills, if you buy them,

if you don't feel that they're satisfactory, you get a 100% money-back guarantee. Nobody wants you to feel ripped off. So I can't keep repeating myself, so I might have to record this eventually. It's getting ridiculous. I try to keep these organic. It was much more fun, though.

You're right with the flashlight. Keeping them organic when you're talking about kettlebells and being fucking manly. You got to get some cannonballs, and you learn how to do some Turkish get-ups, and you need to get off the bicep curls and tricep extensions, you fruity bitch, because you're imbalancing your body, and you're going to get dick pains. All right, this podcast is over. We thank you very much for tuning in, as always. We thank you, and for tuning in as always We thank you and oh Denver this weekend

Holla Brandon Walsh Joey Diaz and me That's a good show At the Paramount It's a big ass place but last I heard I think there's only a couple hundred tickets left Well it's because it's a 100% amazing show Yeah it's going to be fun

So that's Denver this Friday if you're coming into the UFC In Denver We're at the Paramount Theater If you go to my twitter i put up a link to it really recently or just google that shit you can figure it out but don't go through a scalper because they will fuck you that's creepy man when you start doing theaters louis ck's got it down right yeah because the scalpers it's it's a weird thing when you go and you find your tickets for sale somewhere other than the official website and because it's sold out and they're for sale for a fuckload of money. Louie's got the business paradigm down.

I've got to copy him with everything he does except his hair. All right. This show is a beautiful show. I'm going to make fun of – I had to say it, but look, I don't have any hair. No, I'm going to – You're more ridiculous. I've got to shave mine soon. It's the greatest thing I've ever done.

I feel so free. I feel so relaxed. I don't ever have to go to haircuts. By the way hairdressers will fucking hold you hostage with those scissors and i was telling him that's not how i operate you know yeah yeah cut the fucking hair jesus christ holding me this like remember people do that with joints you know we had a friend that used to do that with joints all the time it's puff puff pass not it's puff puff let me tell you a story yeah this motherfucker said

to me and you you're held hostage because he's got the reefer. Dirty bitch. Tomorrow night. Tomorrow. Joe Diaz, cocksuckers. Get him to come to the ice house, too. If we can. I asked him.

He can't. He can't. I'll text him. He's a busy guy. But he will come if he can. And he's there all the time. But he'll be here on the podcast tomorrow. Thank you, everybody.

Go to follow Bert Kreischer on Twitter. B-E-R-T-K-R-E-I-S-C-H-E-R and follow Brian Redband, that's R-E-D-B-A-N on Twitter. Holla at your boy. We'll see you freaks tomorrow. We love you.