The Joe Rogan Experience - #250 - Joey Diaz

Episode Date: August 8, 2012

Joe sits down with Joey Diaz.

Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! The Joe Rogan Experience Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night! All day! People behave! People behave! Mad Flavors here! What's up, baby?

What, baby? What's going on, my brother? I can't call it. Getting ready for Denver this weekend. Pairing my motherfucking t-shirt. If you're in, uh, yeah. If you're in Cincinnati, go check out my man Duncan Trussell. Duncan Trussell is going to be at Go Bananas in Cincinnati all weekend.

Have you never done Go Bananas? That place is great. That place is pretty cool. That's great. I did that place back in the 90s, man. I only did it once, but I enjoyed it. It's a real old school comedy club. That place is shit.

Denver Paramount Theater this weekend. Friday night. UFC 1 motherfucking 50. This Friday the best show is going to be Joey Diaz, Joe Rogan, and Brendan Walsh. That's what we just said. That's what we just said, Coglicka. No, I was just reinforcing it.

Are you talking shit about Duncan again? God damn it. Let it go, son. What? Yeah, that's what you're doing by saying that's the best show to go see, not to go see the one in Cincinnati. No, I was just reinforcing that your guys' show, in my opinion, is the best show in the fucking world. I love all three of those comics and putting them together. I love Brendan Walsh.

He's hilarious. He is. We just did The Bone Zone last night, and that is a fun thing for me to do. It's fun doing The Bone Zone. That's how awesome I think that is. Who did it last night and that is a fun thing for me to do like it's fun doing the bone zone that's how awesome i think we did it last night with you guys oh it's we just do it we don't ever have a guest really it's just you and him and somebody else uh randy licky and davy johnson yeah they're very funny guys they're very smart guys too they have a cool sense of humor you know brent is a very funny stand-up too very funny i'm looking forward to this we're gonna have a

good fucking time fuck yeah I can't wait to eat some green chili and shit I love that stuff I love Denver I love all that stuff does it feel weird to you going there

right after the tragedy I haven't gone to see the movie yet because I don't want to sit there I don't want to sit there and go this is what these poor last people seen or this is what they got scared

right you know I didn't even think of that that angle I never thought about it like that, but the tragedy was a bad thing. It was over four weeks ago. Can you imagine that?

I mean, something like that, hitting close to home. What do you, when you start, you know, seeing people that are trying to do copycat crimes now, like, didn't you say that someone got arrested? Yeah, in Ohio. In Ohio, somebody came up with, like, a knife, fucking everything hammers this guy you know you know there's crazy fucking people this is where the real cynical people the really cynical crazy conspiracy people

these are the one this is where they start thinking that the government is doing this and that they're doing this on purpose because they want to disarm americans because they know that everything's going to fall apart and they don't want people to have guns i mean that sounds completely ridiculous but if you were going to write a movie about how some super corrupt multinational corporations figure out a way to control the whole world you'd probably write it like that you'd probably you'd probably have everything wired and hooked up like that right if you're throwing a jab alex jones i am his witness in houston at the ufc he told me to my face that in two years there was going to be tsa security at parks and movie theaters and i was right there when he told me that he told me that to my face we're sitting outside the ufc and we're

just talking about different things so but it's you, what is it? Is it because, is it just a natural thing that, you know, because there's a lot of crime, because there's a lot of despair, the economy's in the toilet, it's a natural thing that things pop off and crazy people do shit like this? Or do you want to follow the conspiracy theory point where they think that they're doing this on purpose because they've engineered the collapse of the dollar they know that the world economy is going to implode and they don't want people to

be armed they want to be able to maintain power i wasn't looking at it like that i'm a very cynical person i was looking at it as a business angle you know what fucking shoot somebody in a movie theater they got to put security in two million thousand movie theaters across the fucking country the next is parks whatever but then i come to my senses i wake up and i put the joint down and i go to bad things happen every fucking day yeah but you know that's here they happen in india they happen somewhere that is though if you were a government and you were evil and you were trying to control the people that is what you do you you organize attacks and it's been pointed out before that the american public has tried to do this been pointed out before that the american public

has tried to do this or the mayor excuse me the american the government has tried to do this they at one point in time the the um operation northwards was written where was an idea that they were going to they're going to fake attacks on american civilians to get us to go to war with with cuba they were going to blow up a jetliner and say there was people in it they were going to arm cuban friendlies to attack guantanamo bay it was gonna be but that's that's like a real thing that they were gonna do to try to get us into a war with cuba so when you find out about conspiracies like crazy things like that when you're like wow like they would fake shit like they're allowed to fake like that when that

came out that should have been a huge piece of news. That should have been something where, you know, everyone demanded there should be hearings on this. It should be, like, brought out in front of the public. People should be in the streets, like, screaming about this. Like, how is this possible? How are they now prosecuted? They were really going to risk American lives and have Americans killed just to further their agenda. They were going to fake an act of war in order to get us into war because they thought they knew better than us.

But was this just one dumb fuck that just did like, hey, this is my idea. And they're like, all right, come on, stop. Well, it was signed by the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Is the Joint Chiefs of Staff, did they have a meth problem at the time and they got like new ones like the next day? I think they used to rock it like that all the time. and they got new ones the next day. Brian, I think they used to rock it like that all the time.

That's why when these conspiracy nuts come out and they say, hey, we believe that this guy was brainwashed and someone got a hold of him and they did an experiment with him and he's like a Manchurian candidate. It sounds fucking completely ridiculous. It sounds completely ridiculous. But if they were willing to do that other stuff, why wouldn't they be willing to do that other stuff why wouldn't they be willing to do

that if they really could do that can you imagine if they figured out a way to reprogram people if it wasn't science fiction you don't think they would do it right of course they would do it if the government really did find some super sophisticated way where they could just say pumpkin to you and you fucking snap and and wire yourself up with grenades and run into a room full of important people and blow yourself up you don't think they would do that of course they would that's a great way to do it you get some idiot is willing to do that for you and have him walk in and pull the trigger it's amazing i haven't really focused on the colorado thing as much because it's just fucking negative yeah and anything that goes into my mind my mind

it's just tragic criminal i want to know what the fuck happened i want to know where the system went wrong now you've heard i've been here before and i told you about colorado we both discussed colorado that i've lived in new york california i hang out with gangsters and the craziest motherfuckers i know are in the mountains yeah okay now let's just leave that you, I've been reading bits and pieces, like he was going to a psychotherapist or psychiatrist. I don't know. Yeah.

Now, she alarmed somebody. She warned somebody. The psychotherapist? Right. This is what I heard. Is this true or is this not true? Who did she warn? Who did she warn, and why weren't these people,

why wasn't this fucking lunatic contacted? Then the other side of me says, I understand. We can't react to every fucking call of the police. There's a guy up here waving a gun. Is he hurting anybody? No, we cannot respond to every call because of the budgets and whatever. So who dropped this?

This is a kid that bought thousands of rounds of ammunition at a local fucking place. The guns are all legit. Like I told you, in Colorado, you could buy a fucking bazooka. As long as you pay for it, it's right. Hey, Brian, does your dog eat cat shit?

Mm-hmm. Get her out of there. She's in my fucking cat's litter box. Ew. Go, get her, get her, get her. So what? Jesus Christ, dude. No, she's out.

This is what fucks with me a little bit. Lock, shut that door, man. This is what fucks with me. Sorry, folks. Sorry, folks. This is a real show. This is how it works. This is what fucks with me.

How? That's real life. Where did the system fail? That this kid got fucking helmets and tear gas. Yeah. Where did the fucking system fail? It failed somewhere. And where did he get the money?

They said that the speculation was that he used his scholarship money. Is that what it is? Yeah. I didn't know you could just use your scholarship money for other shit. I thought you had to pay for school. He withdrew. He withdrew. But when you get a scholarship are you like responsible for that money like say if you got 20 000 for a scholarship did you uh do you actually have to spend that money on the

college or could you like depend on well my gerber baby uh insurance that i got for myself when i was when i was 17 i bought a baby gerber insurance. No, but I guess the Gerber insurance... I don't know what you did. You applied for a college. You get a grant. You get a grant. You get a financial aid. You got to pay back.

They'll give it to you. Once you got one fucking loan going, they'll give you whatever the fuck you want. They'll keep giving it to you. Plus, I forget all the... Pell Grant, you don't have to pay back. That's a grant. But all those loans, you got to pay back.

I'm going to tell you something. You sign up for college. Let's say your parents are not that well off. You sign up for college. They cover the tuition. And you reach out and you can get all these grants available to you. There's a lot of fucking money out there available to you. Right.

Especially for what he was going to school for. You know, especially for what he was going to school for. Especially for what he was going to school for. This kid was a genius, wasn't he? Psycho fucking something. I don't even know. A doctor? I don't know what the fuck he was going to school for. Right.

They give you the loot. And the contingency, you're going to pay it back. They give you the loot, bro. I was taking college money when I was going to University of Colorado and buying cars with it. Curbing them. Like seeing a Volkswagen for $800 and sell it for $1,200. That's what I was doing with my financial aid money.

What you do is you sign up for 18 credits and you get money for 18 credits but right before the school season starts you cut it down to nine and you pocket that Gitas. By the time they know what the fuck is going on

and they send you a letter in the mail, the Gitas is gone. It's at the happy hour. Go deal with the bartender and the coke dealer. That might be the greatest word ever. Gitas.ness yeah getus guinness g-e-e-t-u-s guinness see i always thought it was guinness nah guinness is if you live in florida you hate alligators this is guinness but you know i heard people call it gators though nah that's not in the south

that was uh my friend johnny used that term yeah we talked when he was talking about gambling money my god gotta get that get us i feel bad for what happened in colorado it was a up city but i want to know where he got i want to know how he learned to light the fucking smoke screen. Well, he was a genius. He could have figured that out online. Do they teach you this shit online? I'm scared to even fucking look. You could buy a. You could figure out the plans to build a nuclear bomb online.

Are you serious? Yeah, sure. I'm pretty positive. Yeah. I bet if you were smart enough. If you were smart enough and you had access to. Wasn't there a kid who was trying to build a nuclear bomb in his backyard? There's a million right now that are trying to do that. But no was a kid who got arrested yeah but i mean something happened all the time he was building a nuclear

bomb in his backyard yeah that sounds like horseshit i gotta hold on nuclear bomb oh i see what you're so you can learn all this shit online how to wire somebody's i mean that thing he did at home where he wired his house with bombs and fucking liquids and all that shit. He learned that online. That's what you guys are fucking trying to tell me. Yeah. Yeah, this kid fucking, this kid was some dangerous nut, man. He tried to build a nuclear bomb in his mom's shed.

There was a kid who really did that. Yeah, but was he, I mean, like, trying. Did he think he was trying? Like, was he using, like, real materials or was he using, like, Cheerios and IC? No, he was using real materials. That's how they got him. Apparently, they keep a very close eye on all the plutonium of the world. You know, it's very hard to get.

And we know whatever it is, whether it's plutonium or whatever it is they use, that they need to make some sort of a nuclear weapon. We know what that stuff is, whether it's plutonium or whatever it is they use Do they need to make some sort of a nuclear weapon? We know what that stuff is supposedly and then we keep an eye on it But Jesus Christ Marty McFly can get it anyone can get it if this fucking kid can make this shit in his yard You know I mean what is he that much smarter than everybody else? The shit that fucked my world up was when the night I was watching Discovery and they showed you how to make speed on fucking Discovery. Really?

They had these kids, they showed you how to make steroids, speed, and something else. The steroid guys lived right here in Sherman Oaks or something. They had like, you know, like outlaw things on their faces and they show how they cook them

on the stove and stuff. This is a crazy asshole. They pulled him over. This is the guy's name. His name is David Hahn. He was 17 years old. The police pulled him over. They found radioactive materials in the trunk of his car. His mother's property was cleared up by the Environmental

Protection Agency 10 months later as a Superfund cleanup site. This motherfucker really did I mean he was like he came really close wow he made his own nuclear reactor

holy shit he attained his Eagle Scout rank in the Boy Scouts shortly after his reactor was dismantled the Boy Scouts still let him have an Eagle Scout. I let him run the fucking party. He's not gay. I give him the scout troop, whatever the leader.

His name was David Hahn. It says while his reactor never reached critical mass, Hahn attracted the attention of local police who found radioactive materials. Be careful with that chocolate bar, Joe. So I guess he came really close. Did you just eat that whole chocolate bar? No. Oh, my God. I'm getting popular. I just want to let you know, ladies and gentlemen, that's not just a that chocolate bar Joe. So I guess he came really close. Did you just eat that whole chocolate bar?

I just want to let you know ladies and gentlemen, that's not just a regular chocolate bar Joey Diaz just participated in I know that's the one that you said was the highest you've ever done a podcast Was it whammy bar from LA Speedway? It didn't this did is known I didn't need to be talking There's no need for me to be talking to be talking. I can just talking. I can just look and nod. When you're that baked. Oh, please. I just nod to death. Well, we want you to talk. Chocolate milk. We don't want you to go into... Big glass of water. You know, the essentials. We don't want you going into the chocolate

hole. Fucking great fights this week. Thank you for the tickets. Unbelievable. One of the best fights in a long, long time. And I think, I was thinking about it, I think they should do just as many LA fights as they do Vegas because it's really the same shit. The same people kind of make them go.

And it was fun, it was positive. The fights were fucking great. Joe Lozon, Jesus Christ. If I could come back and recycle myself, I'd come back as Joe Lozon. Seriously, I love that jiu-jitsu shit like that. Fucking everything he did was awesome. And Jamie Varner was awesome too, man.

Fucking Jamie Varner. That guy's made a huge comeback. He just didn't have enough time to get into condition for this fight, I think. Is that what it was? Yeah, I think so. It was only three weeks, four weeks? Yeah, I think he took it on short notice. It's a tough fight.

Joe Lozon is one of the best. He's a dangerous kid. He's got a lot of tools. One thing I love about Joe Lozon is one of the best. He's a dangerous kid. He's got a lot of tools. One thing I love about Joe Lozon is when they match him up just by who, like if they match him up against somebody who's a great striker, the better the striker, I know Joe Lozon has a better chance of winning. This is the

craziest thing. Really? Because if you hit him and he gets on his back, he attacks you from his back. He don't give a fuck. He fucked up a couple people. Melvin Gillard too? Yeah, he got Melvin back. Melvin Gillard came in there jumping and screaming. He fucking caught him. Melvin keeps talking, like, saying that Joe Lozon got lucky.

But let me tell you something. When someone wants to punch you in the face and they do punch you in the face, that's not luck, okay? That's what he wanted to do, and that's what he did. It ain't, you know, there's no lucky punches. To say it's a lucky punch is one of the craziest things people could ever say. When you rush in like that, like he did with his face exposed, with a good fighter, a guy is going to snap off a jab on you.

I think he probably underestimated Lozon's striking. You know, his striking, Melvin's striking is so good and so fast. He's so fast, man. When you watch him put combinations together, you go, God damn, his technique is clean. He's got a lot of power in his hands. And I think he just got a little overconfident. And Lozon is not to be fucked with.

He's had like 44 fights or something. Lozon is a beast, dude. That was an awesome fight. He's smart. That's the most dangerous thing about Joe Lozon is he's smart. And then I'm looking for Anthony Pettis to knock Joe Lozon out in the first round of their fight. And he hasn't fought since then. I'm looking forward to seeing him fight again.

I think he got injured, though. Pettis? Yeah. Yeah. They're trying to set something up with him and Cowboy Cerrone if Cerrone gets by Gallard. Even if he doesn't get by Gallard, it'd still be a great fight. And my man got hurt. Karchek is out against Ellenberger.

Yeah, he's got a disc, a bulging disc. But no, this week on... People are always like, why are all these fighters getting injured? Well, they're in the business of, their business is getting really good at fucking people up. That's what they're doing. So, and the only way to get really good at fucking people up is you've got to practice fucking people up all day. And while you're practicing fucking people up, people get fucked up. Did you fucking, how happy were you?

I mean, it's impartial. I was happy as fucking i gave him out out of respect mike swick oh my god i gave up mike swick out of respect seven one motherfucking three bitches and i'll tell you what before that demarcus looked fantastic he just caught him he caught him perfect man when he caught that leg and dropped that right hand on him man it was perfect placement he did it so fast like demarcus just just he just went out with that first shot and then swick tagged him two more times before the ref got to him the karate kid in beta was a great fight dude leona machida is a scary guy

you gotta you gotta get you gotta get a hold of that guy and it's that's no picnic either he's got great wrestling and great use of his body he did a lot of sumo when he was a kid which sounds silly right so but they they really they're really good at like throwing people off in like certain directions and pushing forward and and planting yourself and you know he's he's got amazing tricks that he does inside with like little leg trips and shit like that it'd be interesting to see uh him uh versus look if he if henderson somehow or another beats john jones seeing him leota machida versus henderson i would really like to see that fight that would be crazy i would love to see that fight because they're both kind of on the small side for light heavyweight leota weight 201 henderson's usually somewhere around there. Even when he fights at 205, he usually weighs around 200-ish.

I think that would be an incredible fight. Henderson Jones is going to be a crazy fight too, man. If Henderson wins, he's like the greatest mixed martial arts fighter of all time, if you really look at it. If you look at it as far as accomplishments, the guy wins two different titles in pride, in two different weight classes, and then he holds them at the same time.

Comes over to Strikeforce, wins a title in Strikeforce. He has a knockout over heavyweights like Fedor Milianenko. Guy knocked out Fedor. I mean, Dan Henderson is a motherfucker, dude. That guy is a motherfucker. You can never sleep on that guy. Let's see if he figures out Jon Jones. Let's see if he figures him out jones if he figures out anybody man he's got that he's got that one weapon that's so retarded strong his

right hand is so powerful and he has this crazy confidence in it and he can takes it he takes an amazing shot he's so tough so he'll wade through some shit to get to you and clip you with that thing and just put the lights out, man. He's dangerous, man. Clip you with that thing. He's fucking dangerous. And I think he's more dangerous at 205 than he is at 185. I think especially as you get older, it's hard for a guy like that to cut all that weight. I think when he doesn't cut weight, he's one of the rare guys that can do it,

fights effectively at 205. I think when he doesn't cut that weight, I think maybe he feels a little bit healthier. I had so many years of doing that shit, man. That's like one of the worst aspects of fighting is the weight cutting. It's sad. It drives me nuts because the sport is always supposed to be about being healthy. It's supposed to be about your body being tuned in in the best possible way for combat. But it's really not because the 24 hours before you fight, you fuck it up. Hardcore.

You suck all the water out of it so you can fight in a lower weight class. It's this weird fucking silly thing that's still around. It shouldn't be a factor. It should be, really honestly and it is a part of the sport there's probably no getting rid of it at this point without some sort of a radical restructuring of the way people look at martial arts but i think that it's almost like it's it's not in the proper spirit of martial arts and competition i feel, I feel like you have to do it today if you're a professional because everyone's doing it. And if you want to fight against guys your size,

there's only one way to do that. You're going to have to fight against, you know, you're going to have to fight against the scale as well. You're going to have to cut weight and you're going to have to go in because everybody else is doing it. Otherwise, you're not going to win. You're not going to beat a 190 pound guy if you really weigh 170. If he's just as skilled as you, you know, that extra 20 pounds, even though it fucked his organs up and might have almost shut his kidney down and he had to get reinflated with IVs, he's probably still going to beat you because he's a bigger guy. You know, he's got more mass, especially if he can get you to the ground and have more strength, have more to push around. And when they refuel themselves with IVs, like, they can do it pretty well with IVs where in 24 hours, you know, it's worth it for them.

But it's still bad for your body, and it's unfortunate, I think. I hate the idea that those people have to do that, you know? It sucks. What are you going to do? It's part of the fucking game, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. We've got to go to Starbucks and write jokes. They've got to lose fucking weight. I know, but wouldn't it be better if they all just fought

their weight class i think which i think a perfect utopia of mixed martial arts would be everybody fights in whatever the fuck they weigh and we find out what everybody weighs we just naturally you give this is what you weigh when you're in shape what do you what do you weigh when you're like a like one dog fighting shape when they used to fight dogs? You know that I used to weigh him in you know that shit now Yeah, the look the really light ones just the ones they want You know like see these big giant pit bulls that everybody has today these people have bred these things I'm really big and crazy, but I had a friend who had like one of the really small game ones It was a crazy little animal man. It was a really smart. They don't even look like they're really small it was like 35 pounds 38 38 pounds they make tea cup pit bulls are you serious no

barely basically you can get a 20 pound uh you know 25 pound pit bull there's really small ones but those little little tiny ones are crazy they don't look like pit bulls like we're we're used to seeing them with like the really boxy muscular heads and huge shoulders like those are the pitbulls you see on the streets they're amazing looking dogs like the ones they use in Angel Heart to bite Mickey Rourke the two little fucking pitbulls in New Orleans watch that movie

yeah with the real little ones you look at them and go oh that's weird it was 87 so nobody really knew about the fucking pitbull we were still stuck on Doberman Benches and German Shepherds and Golden Retrievers some people knew about the fucking pit bull. We were still stuck on Doberman Benches and German Shepherds and Golden Retrievers. Some people knew about it. And when they made that movie, when they sent the mob guy to beat him up in that movie, the devil, whoever beats him up in Angel Heart,

that's what he had, these little tiny pit bulls. They didn't even have big chests and they fucking ran after them. You could even see they ran different. It was the beginning before they started giving them juice and gunpowder. Do you know at one point in time the the pit bull was like uh the they were trying to argue for it being the national animal like instead of the eagle representation of america was going to be a pit bull really yeah yeah yeah there was a movement for that i get what was that movement like three guys and i don't know i think it was pretty legit, man.

Yeah! Make this motherfucker. I wish I could remember this totally, but I haven't had pit bulls in years, so I forgot all the propaganda. American Animal. By the way, tonight we have an amazing show at the Ice House. There's still some tickets left.

Yeah, how many are left? I think there's like 40 okay it's if you ever been there the ice house is like one of the best clubs in the world isn't it joey how great is that fucking place listen i don't give a fuck if they did this show in a barn you fucking momos it's dom herrera tom rhodes joe rogan doug benson and fucking red band sam triple dollars and cancel what the fuck you're doing. Tell your grandmother to suck your dick. Call 626-577-1836 and get those tickets now.

I'm talking about Tom Rhodes, Joe Rogan, fucking Irera, and Doug Benson. Bert Kreischer. Bert Kreischer. Just those four. It's like 50 and a blowjob to fucking get the fuck in. So get your shit together, you fucking momos. That's a great show at the Ice House. That should be sold.

I'm in Orange County. By the time I get back, it ain't going to fucking get back on. I won't get back until about 11, 30, 12. I'm going to a sandwich place tonight in Orange County named Roscoe's. It's a fucking sandwich place. You look excited about a sandwich. Look at you. I love it.

No, no, no. I'm not excited about it as much as they do comedy at the sandwich place now. Oh. They serve beer. They have beer and wine. No booze. But it's fucking sandwiches, like old school sandwiches. And you go down there.

You do fucking 30 minutes. They give you a little dough. A little pumpernickel. And they get the fuck out of there. You know what I'm saying? That's it. But I like it. They got like 90, 100 people.

And it's really fucking cool. But on the way back, I'll stop up there. I'll try to shoot the 101. It's fucking hot. That's what it is, dog. This is brutal. If I got one, a plain Friday comp, it's going to be 100 and motherfucking 10 on Friday. It was 113.

Or 13 or something like that. When? On my way here. Come on. Yeah. Listen, they said that this July was the hottest July ever. In the country. The whole country.

Okay. That's what I heard. The whole country. In the country, the whole country. Ever. Okay, that's what I heard. The whole country. That's what I heard. Yeah, ever. Yeah. I know they talked about it in L.A. I tweeted it today. I retweeted it because it was ridiculous.

It's pretty bad when I have to leave my air conditioning on full blast at home just so my cats don't die. Yeah. Yeah, you do, right? Yeah. It's hot as fuck. They're on the floor. They haven't fucking moved. No beds, no nothing. fuck. They're on the floor. They haven't fucking moved.

No beds, no nothing. Yeah. They're on the floor getting that fucking cool wood. Last night, my bedroom, I couldn't get it freezing. It's usually freezing. It was cold. Yeah, me too. But it wasn't freezing last night.

It was cold enough for me to fall asleep, but I got up to pee like at four. I'm like, what the fuck is this? Usually, I got the blanket on, a hooded sweatshirt. I know, me too. That's weird. Fucking, and they glue but last night was it's tough it's been a hot fucking weekend and you didn't feel the earthquake last night either i was at flappers oh really and then on the when i was driving home i seen all the cop

cars and then when i came in people were on facebook there was an earthquake i don't feel that shit yeah a lot of people called me a pussy because i i felt it i was in at the the ice house and it was like a huge jolt and then like a sway and the the whole building made like this crackly noise and i'm like okay i'm getting the fuck out of here because this building's way like you know when's the last time this building's been checked checked you know it's not if you look they have those things already in the walls the retrofits yeah they have 50. it's like the the outside of it it's just retrofit retrofit retrofit retrofit so i'm thinking if i'm gonna if there's ever an earthquake here run the out of this building it might collapse yeah it might collapse yeah

buildings not you have bricks that's it's not that the brick's gonna fall apart but they shift and then that shift you hear that shit yeah that is traumatizing yeah that is true and so i lived in hollywood i lived in a brick building and people are calling me pussies and stuff like on twitter me like you're a fag pussy pussy you know and i'm like all right you could be in malibu which is a lot farther away from where i was at you know to the earthquake and be like oh yeah I didn't feel anything you pussy you know but that what I felt last night was fucking jolting that was like you feel oh I didn't feel I forgot there's there's earth this this is earthquake stuff this is

yeah yeah it gets so I am only hoping that since nobody ever predicts things correctly that because you're saying it's earthquake weather, that you're wrong. Well, it's because it's so hot. It's so hot. That's why the earthquake last night happened around 10 at night or whatever. Yeah, it's too fucking hot. Because the ground gets so fucking hot. And then at night, it gets cold.

And that, you know. Shift? Shift. What? That's earthquake juice. Did you just make that up? No, no. If there's earthquake seasoning, that's what it's made of.

Like hot and cold. Neil deG make that up? No, no. That's not. If there's earthquake seasoning, that's what it's made of. Like hot and cold. Neil deGrasse Tyson. I love it. I'm going to try to get that dude on the podcast. Neil deGrasse Tyson, the scientist. We're going back and forth. Dude, get Mr. Wizard. Mr. Wizard?

Who's that? I would love that, dude. Mr. Wizard's Road? We're going to get Dr. Steve, too, from the Opie and Anthony channel. Guy's fascinating. I listened to his show the other day on Sirius, and I found out why chocolate kills dogs. It's the caffeine.

It's the caffeine in chocolate. Apparently, chocolate has caffeine in it. And the caffeine in chocolate just jacks dogs' bodies. So don't give your dog Starbucks. Or cat. You can't give your cat chocolate either. Yeah, that's good to know. My dog, Rallo, told me there's something else you can't give a cat.

You and John Rollo, most unlikely cat owners ever. I guess me too. I talk to John Rollo all the time about cats. He's excited. He's just got something else to do with cats. He's got the billboards. I'm going to go see him. I'm going to go to Baltimore and see him. I'm pretty excited.

We haven't had a UFC in that area. We haven't had a Baltimore UFC. area. We haven't had like a Baltimore UFC. Baltimore's not doing so good, right? You know, when I first got into comedy, one of the clubs that gave me work as an MC was a Baltimore club. You remember the improv down there? Did you ever do that? No. They had a good improv.

They had improv down in this kind of crazy area where there's like a lot of different clubs. of crazy area where there's like a lot of different clubs you know it's like there's little little patches of of fun places in this world where people figure out how to do something right but there's something cool about when you go to a place and like all these different places all empty out into a common place like a courtyard area as long as everybody can keep their shit together baltimore that's also i think wasn wasn't it the same place where that dude got knocked unconscious and they fucking filmed it and they took his clothes off and made a video of it? Wasn't that Baltimore?

I think so. I think it was. They shot the wire there. They shot the wire there, yeah. It's a heavy-duty fucking city. Yeah. They got some wild shit there. The stadium's great. The stadium a couple times is great. The government is going to want to disarm Baltimore. Yeah, that's some crazy shit there. The stadium's great. They're going to... The stadium a couple times is great. The government is going to want to disarm Baltimore.

Yeah, there's some crazy motherfuckers. Baltimore, Philadelphia, that's where those... That's where you give those people guns, because they'll shoot anybody in Philadelphia. Philadelphia was the only stadium that they had a fucking jail in the stadium, the football stadium. Hey, did you see that? That coach got...

My condolences to the guy from Philadelphia, the coach, Ryan. His son died. He was on our fucking show a couple years ago, bro. He was on our show? That kid came to our show. The kid who just died, the coach of the Philadelphia Eagles, he came to our show and was in, talking to

us in the back room in Atlantic City. That was when the guy, Tim Sylvia, and what's his name, the coach from Iowa, and the farmer, they were all down there because somebody was fighting. We were down there, IFL. We were down there to do a show. That weekend when I got off stage, he came up to me,

all juiced up, the kid. He's like, dog, whatever you need, we got you covered here. My father's the coach of the fucking Eagles. All I got to do is make a call, bitch. Wow. So the other day when I saw that, I was like, wow, that kid. Unless he has other kids, but he had the shirt and the hat. He was very, yeah.

So my condolences to the fucking. I remember, well, looking down in the crowd, and Henzo Gracie was there laughing his ass off. That's the place? Yeah. Yeah, okay. At that place. That was when the IFL.

Henzo had something to do with the IFL. I think he fought in the NFL. Me, you, Tate, a lot of us went. his ass off that's the place yeah yeah okay at that place that was when the ifl henzo was uh had something to do with the ifl i think you want the hate a lot of us went harry yeah the ifl was an interesting idea just you can't it's like the whole team thing it's an individual sport man the whole team thing really didn't work it's like stand-up it's just me you want a mic bitch yeah you can't do teams or stand up you come in and we tag team You say that but we kind of do have a team. We're the team death squad. I mean it really Right. I mean, well, that's that's it is a team You know if you really think about it all the people that we have in like our inner circle that we consider

You guys are writing secrets. Yeah. Yeah, you should do don't do, yeah. I mean, it's kind of like a team, you know? I mean, if anybody is, in most cases, stand-up is not like that. But with us, I think this is very much like a whole group of us. We're all identified by our friends, you know? Holla. Holla, bitches. So now we got Denver this week. Denver and we got Vegas.

Frankie motherfucking Edgar against Henderson. Donald Cerrone. That's a good fucking card too, Joe Rogan. That's a great card. I'm happy I'm going. You know me, dog. There's certain people you want in your life and there's certain people you don't want in your life. I don't ever want to problem with Frankie Edgar.

I love that guy. Great guy. I love Henderson. I love both of them. The fucking time when he grabs his leg and he throws that kick. He's as let it get as can be. He's got ridiculous legs.

He's got legs for like a 185 pounder. And he's a 155 pound guy. He's got weird legs. He's just a bad motherfucker. He's a tough, tough kid, man. He fights really good guys and it makes him look not so good. You know what I mean? He keeps doing it over and over again.

You know? I also saw that fucking cut to my man Rory McDonald in Toronto. Huge. 30-something stitches. Huge cut. Down to the fucking bone. Jesus Christ. I want to see a rematch of Pettis and Benson Henderson, too.

Holy shit, that was a great fight. That was a great fight. And you know how much Henderson would get up for that rematch of Pettis and Benson Henderson, too. Holy shit, that was a great fight. And you know how much Henderson would get up for that rematch. But this fight this weekend is going to be amazing because I'll tell you what, that Edgar kid, Frankie Edgar, finds a way. That motherfucker finds a way. He's a little dog. He's got a mind that is like he don't like losing, you know,

and he comes back stronger. He comes back stronger than ever. He's such a unique guy. He looks like a fucking rain man out there he dribbling i'm like what the fuck's rain man doing you want to giggle he's a bro he'll light you the fuck up he's a bad motherfucker i just watched him and gray made it the second one the third one again the other day yeah you got to be able to keep that pace up too man you got to be able to keep pace with him he'll he'll drag you into some deep fucking conditioning water. That guy can do that for an hour and a half.

He's one of the best conditioned guys in the sport. And one of the reasons for that is what we talked about earlier. Frankie Edgar doesn't cut weight. Doesn't cut weight, yeah. That guy weighs 155 pounds. I love it. I love it when he can win. I love it when he can win. But when he loses and he loses because a guy is bigger than him,

it makes you think, like, man, i wish you could do it at 155 i hope you could do it at 155 but you know maybe 145 is your weight class it sucks he goes to 145 that could be one of the greatest fights and then they may oh yeah him against fucking aldo oh i've said that since day one i'm pushing for it i love it at 145 in Vegas, something neutral. You can't count him out, man. You can't count him out. No, no, no, no, never. I don't count him out by any stretch of the imagination.

Never, never. That kid, like I said, I don't want him in my future, in my past, him looking for you. You don't need that in your fucking life, man. I don't need that shit in my fucking life. I love the fact that if I see him and then I see him six months later, I look forward to seeing what's improved, what's gotten better. Because it's going to be better. He's going to be better. He's going to do something better.

He's going to have some move that you didn't expect coming, some lead right hand that you didn't see coming. He's going to shift his weight a little bit differently. He's going to do something better. He's going to have a little bit more conditioning. He's not like an asshole that takes time off and gets fat. That's 40 years in their genes, those kids from down the shore. Of just scrapping. Scrapping.

Because the other half is the guidos and all that stupidity. But the other half, a lot of people don't know, is those kids have to go to like Sprick Township, like where Mike Dolce went. They got to go to these schools, and they're group four schools. Group four schools, you play black schools that are six foot four. And here's Frankie Edgar wrestling against these schools.

And they wrestle at weight categories, but it's the same thing. If Frankie wrestled at 135, that guy that he wrestled against was a lot bigger than he was. You know what I'm saying? Wrestling was the most ridiculous. In the summers, those guys from up north,

the kids I grew up with would go down south, and they would walk all over that fucking shore. And eventually those kids, it's 40 years of torture that every summer they gotta fight somebody fucking bigger. And they do it. And there are rides down there. If you've ever been down there, there's a fight every fucking night. And it always

includes a guido from up there against a regular guy from down there. And the regular guy always takes them the fuck out. Guido shows up with his buddies all juiced up. Take off the shirt. I've been training. And those guys down the shore will light you the fuck up. And he's one of those guys.

I said it to him all the time. You used to light people up and miss the breakfast. That's the hangout down there. They all go down there with no shirts on and the gold. They eat breakfast. How you doing? How's my bicep? These are guys that don't even work on their legs.

They don't even care. They don't even care about their stomachs. They don't care about their lats. They just work on their biceps, their chest and maybe a little trapezoid muscle. Isn't that hilarious? It's hilarious. And they juice with no supervision. Vinny, Vinny, come here. Hold the fucking needle. How much am I supposed to put in there?

I don't know. Let me tell you. Nah, just fill it up. How big you want to get? I want fucking my arms to be fucking huge. You much am I supposed to put in there? I don't know. Let me tell you. No, just fill it up. How big you want to get? I want fucking my arms to be fucking huge. You know what I'm saying? So shoot the whole fucking thing. Nah, but what if I die? Shoot it.

Shoot it. We'll get more tomorrow. That's how they are. I don't read instructions. They don't read nothing. They don't know about, what's that, cycles? No. They don't know about cycles.

No cycles. Vinny, how many of these do I eat? All of them. How many are in there? 30? You got to eat? All of them. How many in there? 30? You gotta eat like 10 of them. You gotta have that, you know, that's their mentality. And they live and they snort blow and they fucking drink and

whatever. They don't have, you know, like we talk about medications and supervisions and shit. Those kids in New Jersey don't give a fuck about that. Well, you know, in other countries, you could just buy steroids over the counter. In like South America, there's a lot of places where you could just buy steroids. Mexico, don't these a fuck about that. Well, you know, in other countries, you could just buy steroids over the counter. In, like, South America, there's a lot of places where you could just buy steroids. Mexico.

Don't these kids go down there and fucking buy D-ball? Mexico. Yeah. Come on. That's not even South America. That's North America. That's crazy. That's 65 miles, my friend. Isn't that nuts?

Whatever the fuck it is. What is it? Red Band. 120 miles. And we got fucking Jews. What's crazy is that right there on that border, you got all this military. You got the Air Force Base or what is it down there? The Marines.

Marines are down there. The Navy's down there because the Navy, my nephew's in the Navy. Myanmar, right? It's amazing down there. There's a lot of military down there. But they don't give a fuck. They could put the whole military down there. These Mexicans will dig a tunnel.

Yeah, but think about that. There's all this military. about there's all this military and then surrounding all that military you know what it is some of the richest people on earth on earth those people that live on that island coronado island those are some incredibly wealthy people donald rumsfeld lives on that island bro think about that wrap your head around that so this like super, he probably lives in like 10 different houses all over the world with all the money he's gotten. But this one area, you go on like, if you like Google real estate, like La Jolla, like look in La Jolla. La Jolla is amazing.

Amazing. Fucking incredible. The most spectacular houses. The multi, multi, multi-million dollar houses. 20 minutes away from Tijuana. It's fucking incredible. The most spectacular houses. The multi, multi, multi-million dollar houses. 20 minutes away from Tijuana. It's hell. 20 minutes away. Hell, hell, hell.

And that's not an exaggeration at all. Hell. You can get in your car and you can literally drive for 20 minutes from San Diego. It's crazy beautiful, though. I mean, have you been down there on those islands? I love it. There's no... I love San Diego, man.

I love San Diego. Let's get to crazy beautiful San Diego on the Mexico side. As soon as you cross into Mexico, guys, right there, that's fucking scary. It's scary. It goes from the five to dirt roads. Well, it goes from there's an immediate lack of a feeling of a net, okay? Because there's a net when you're walking around San Diego. There's a net of society

and civilization and culture and like the biggest trust you trust people more like military base there to protect you i mean you not you don't have the police when you live there you have like the one of the biggest military bases protecting you yeah there so it's safe still to live there in san diego no i know for sure but what i'm saying is that when you walk through to tijuana there's this feeling like the net's been removed oh yeah yeah absolutely like all of a sudden i'm seeing all these beggars and all this weirdness on the street and all these people what do you want joey what are you doing you looking you have your ass right in front of my face bro it's respect um it's it's just that it's uh when you do cross that border it's a very bizarre feeling

that you're only 20 minutes away from the place where all of the law doesn't apply all of it is gone it's all gone and now you have to live with this rinky dink set of laws from this other country

and you know you might run into a cop who says that you're speeding and you just gotta give him money cause that's how they roll down there and who knows how many fucking people are involved in doing illegal shit to a cop who says that you're speeding and you just gotta give him money, because that's how they roll down there. And who knows how many fucking people are involved in doing illegal shit

and moving drugs around. It's right there. 20 minutes away. I mean, it's way scarier than the ghettos in America, isn't it? Wouldn't you say the Tijuana is scarier than the ghettos? Listen, the ghettos, the cops are always five minutes away. But one thing, I know tons of people that go to Tijuana all the time.

Do you really? I don't know anybody that goes to Harlem all the time. You really know tons of people who go to Tijuana all the time? Yes, that go there all the time. Well, I'll tell you what. Anthony Bourdain went recently on his show, and I really enjoyed that show. It was cool because he met with a lot of cool Mexicans that live in Tijuana that were sort of giving him the real deal on how everything went down there and took him to a lot of cool mexicans like that live in tijuana that were

like sort of giving them the real deal and how everything went down there and took them to a bunch of different bars and it didn't seem to me to be as dangerous as i thought it was or as dangerous as everybody always uh publicizes it but you got to realize that it could get that way at any moment it it's it's your your live that's your partying in the country where shit is just way different it's just way different and you can get lucky and do it a thousand times in a row or you could get unlucky and you'd be there when some drug lord's trying to make a point like some dude's trying to move product and someone's trying to block him so he decides to light his fucking nightclub on fire they do shit like that. Like in Tijuana. Not in Tijuana. In Cancun.

They sell coke on the beach. Do they really? They sell coke on the beach. Weed, coke, heroin. Are you talking about sandals, Tijuana? No, they come up to you and sell you a fucking blow on the beach. Well, you know what's been decriminalized? Everything's been decriminalized in Mexico.

Which is really weird. You can get acid in Mexico I am scared Last time I was in Mexico By the way it doesn't mean it's legal It's not legal It's decriminalized Yeah

Big difference You know why that is? It's still a crime You know why that is? Why? So when you do get caught with it You gotta pay out the ass Is that what it is?

Sure Ah it's not legal my friend But Maybe If you had a couple extra thousand on you Maybe Is that what they say? We could We could work something out my friend We could work something out my friend but maybe if you had a couple extra thousand on you, maybe... Is that what they say?

We could... We could work something out, my friend. We could work something out. Yeah, they don't want violence. They want to keep this business going, and it should be an understanding that I just got to give you a little bribery. Yeah, I would be down with that if I thought it was safe.

I love every aspect of copping in my day. I used to go to Harlem. I'd go at four in the morning. I like dark buildings. I like all that shit. I ain't going to Harlem. I'd go at four in the morning. I like dark buildings. I like all that shit. I ain't going to Mexico. No? No.

No. It's not. I don't need drugs that fucking bad. That's a complete different realm. That's a complete different realm. You could go down there. I know people have gone in and gotten beat the fuck up. Okay, right here.

Tijuana. I've gotten beat the fuck up. We have a friend from the comedy store. We have a friend. That's gotten beaten up one time. A friend who makes mistakes. I had a hooker house down there. No, no, no. He went down. He got beat the fuck store. We have a friend. That's gotten beaten up one time. A friend who makes mistakes. At a hooker house down there. No, no, no.

He went down. He got beat the fuck up. They'll beat you. You want to get beat up in Tijuana? We have a friend who went there? Yeah. Where's his friend look like? You want to get beat up in fucking Tijuana?

Is he Asian? Well, one of those idiots, yeah. They were on that run. You know, I don't want to go there. I never went down there for drugs. And I was a fucking junkie. I think that it's over a border and a thousand bad things could happen to you. Yeah.

A thousand bad things could happen to you. I know Anthony Bourdain walked around for a day surrounded by white people with cameras. That's a big difference in you and me walking around and all we need is one Mexican to say, hey, ain't that the dude from Factor de Field?

And all of a sudden they come over, hey, follow us to a party. And we're doomed. And then you're kidnapped. And you're kidnapped. So, you know, I mean, you're the one that turned me on to Phoenix. Yeah.

That's number one. Kidnapping capital. What do you think that comes into Phoenix from down there? Yeah, and in Phoenix, the whole deal with Phoenix is it's all about drugs. That's what they believe.

It's about rival drug dealers, people kidnapping each other. There's more kidnappings in Phoenix than there is in any other state. Any other. All those border towns. Laredo, they fucking light shit on fire in Laredo constantly. El Paso, you got to be careful. People from Mexico shoot at the American side sometimes, too, which is really crazy. People report that their building got hit by a bullet from Mexico.

I know people who have gotten down there to get Valiums and Oxycontins and shit like that. I've never dealt with them, but I know they've gotten down there. But I know millions of people going down there for the juice. Now, let me ask you something about the juice in Mexico. Is this Mexican juice

or is this still the juice that you get here and they just sell it over the counter in Mexico that's the question I want to know I have no idea like is it the deck of the robin when I go to Germany that I get in Germany that you shoot it you get from makes you very large same people not worried about your health that's what I'm worried about if you go to fucking Mexico and buy 60 d balls are they d ball or they d ball plus i don't know i've never bought any pharmaceuticals while in mexico oh so you've been down there yeah i've been to mexico i've been to cancun i've been to uh

where else i've been i've been to tijuana but only in a very very briefly no i'm one of the places oh i went to uh where Chichen Itza is I went to see the ruins in Chichen Itza so that was in Mexico too but this was before Mexico had so much problems back then I did an MTV spring break

thing from Cancun when I was on Fear Factor do you have that on tape somewhere? it was just like here's this band here comes this band. It would still be funny. Here comes this band. I want to see.

Were you wearing a Hawaiian shirt? I don't remember what I was wearing. I might have went shirtless because I'm so small. Oh, shit. You did a Sandler. I don't think I did, though. I don't think I went shirtless. If I did, how dare I?

We're outside. It's fun. It was fun, but I didn't know who any of the bands were. Even back then, I still was in the dark still like when all new bands it's so hard to reach me you know like if you're trying to sell me some shit i don't i don't really i don't listen to the radio if you're trying to listen to ben folds i want to know if you would like ben folds i wonder if you would like ben i've been so far behind you gotta think that every year a new couple of bands come along and if they're good they stick around and there's no way you can keep in track with all of them i just if someone will like a great song will be playing i'll go who is this dance awesome what's this song and then someone will tell me and i'm like

never heard of them like oh my god they're like they have the number one album in the country they've been the number one band for two years and i'm like wow i just i missed their whole i don't i'm completely out of the loop this guy named ben folds he uh he used to be in a band called ben folds five and then he left the band and his he has a cd that he lives in australia australia now and he has kids and you know family and uh he moved there and now he just he released an album that he played every single instrument on on the cd and then combined them into one and it is some of the best like music music wise it's some what kind of music is it it's just jammy like very you know a lot of pianos uh it's jammy like you've if you've heard if i play you a song you'll be like oh i've heard this before

uh he does a song like rock in the suburbs, you know I bet I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about But I want to I would love to see if you got got into that or if you hated it kind of like a Grateful Dead Kind of I never hated the dead. I just couldn't get into it I just it just to me. It was just it was almost like I was out of tune with it. I couldn't get Here's the way that debt is to me. I like I was out of tune with it. I couldn't get, I don't know. I was involved with it at the time. Here's the way that Dead is to me. I like Working Man's Dead.

I like On the Mountain, Fire on the Mountain, a couple songs. I went to see them with Santana and Public Enemy. I don't fuck around at Red Rocks. But they are a little, their whole repertoire is kind of, it's so much. It's the fans that always startled me, Doug. Yeah. I lived in Boulder. They pull up with a bus.

They haven't showered in the fucking six months. You know, they're following this band. You're looking at them. Are they really dirty? Are they hippies? Half of them are trust funders hiding it. You know what I'm saying? Like, oh, fuck corporations.

But meanwhile, that's how they're living off Dad's fucking credit card, sneaking showers. Meanwhile, they drive a Beamer, but they hide it around the corner. Oh, yeah, Boulder's very unique. A lot of kids get to Boulder and they're anti-fucking corporation, anti-money. Meanwhile, your dad owns fucking Pepsi. You know what I'm saying? Let's get it together, you dumb little fuck, before I smack

you. There's a lot of that rebelling from their successful father as well. Fuck him. But meanwhile, you got an Audi and you haven't worked the whole time. Yeah. And you're buying big bags of weed. So cut it out. There's a weird balance between like your parents being successful and your parents

being a good parent. Because if the parent is really successful, they probably have to work a lot. And if they work all the time constantly, they're probably not going to be around as much. So they're not going to be as good of a father. And if you're not going to be as good And if you're going to dedicate more time to your work than you are to your kids, your kids are probably going to grow up to fucking resent you.

You know? And that's what happens. You get a lot of these trust fund, liberal... He was there for me. He never went to Little Mike Ballet. Check your balance on your account. What's in the fucking account? Did you ever need anything?

No, then shut the fuck up, cocksucker. I have a friend I grew up with, and every time he had three beers, my father never went to none of my football games. Really? Look at the nice sneakers you had. You had a fucking 300ZX in fucking high school, your first car, and you're still bitching about your fucking parents? You know, they can't do everything, bro.

You cannot be the perfect parent. You cannot. All you can do is fucking try well somebody's not gonna be happy with your fucking job i would hope that you could teach your children to not think like that i would hope that you would teach you'd be able to teach your children to not blame your parents for every little aspect of your life it would be nice if your parents everybody's parents were around a little bit more but what does that sound? You guys hear some sound I think it's Joe ideas this fun. Is that your phone Joey? I think but I had it off

Yeah, that's what I had Which one my bitches is calling me shit Who's calling me? Was it a phone call because it was like muffled in the distance. It was confusing the shit out of me. I got a text from Joey Diaz the other day. I did too. It's amazing. Joey Diaz is texting.

I'm at the movie theater. No, no, no. I'll tell you what happened. That's what you're going to do. You're going to start tweeting like that, like a stripper. Went to Ralph's. OMG, it's packed in here. No, no, no.

This is what happened. This is what happened. When you call this number, right right let's say you know me right well I sometimes I'm in my pocket okay it's in your pocket right so when I go in there's a thing on the bottom that slides up and it gives you all these excuses oh so when people call you so I don't know what I'm pressing right sometimes people call me back and go dog I called you you sent me back you went to where'd you go see?

What are you talking about? You just texted me. You were at the cinema. You think Joey Diaz says I'm at the cinema? I would say I'm at the movies, cocksucker. Call me later. The cinema. The cinema.

Yes. Right or wrong. That's the one I always press. It's fucking cinema. Like, there's a bunch of them. I'll show it to you. So people keep thinking, Oh, Joey texted me.

He's texting. Don't get too fucking... That's so funny. Don't get carried away, cocksuckers. Well, you actually sent me a real text. Yeah. You know who taught me? Fucking I had to you. So people keep thinking, oh, Joey texts me. He's texting. Don't get too fucking stuck. That's so funny. Don't get carried away, cocksuckers. Well, you actually sent me a real text. Yeah. You know who taught me? Fucking I had to ask the kid's daughter to teach me how to text on my phone.

Really? She's five. Really? She's fucking five. I'm like, I don't know how to text on it. Kid took the thing from me. She goes, who do you want to text? She went through the whole thing.

Pop. She hit applications. Went to the fucking message. What kind of phone do you have there Joey? What is that? Android phone? Galaxy 4 Whatever the fuck it is

How old is that one? Six months Six months It's crazy how much Phones are progressing How quick They get that Galaxy S3 That just came out

And my friend Matt has it I was fucking around with it the other day It's amazing man Holy shit Why is it amazing? First of all It's fast as shit. Like, it's really smooth. When you go back and forth between the menus,

and when you open things up, the speed of it is really fast. The pictures are beautiful. The video is beautiful. The screen is fucking huge, man. You start watching videos on it or watching anything on the internet on it it's um it's nice to have flash too it's kind of interesting interesting to see very nice they have some badass fucking phones now flash can eat my ass very nice i'm there's flash is getting worse and worse and worse it's gotten to the point now where my my my computer and i found out this does

it on the alien where this does it on like every computer that uses flash where like it will load up a flash movie and then your whole computer just kind of freezes for like a second yeah and then it then it like kind of catches back up that's flash if you look at your your your your um your computer cpu monitor and then you do that you'll notice it goes up to 100 from like 10 how is How is a dual core, whatever, triple core, fast, top-of-the-line computer, like that, it can't handle a fucking flash? I don't, yeah, I don't know enough about computing to say if that's right.

Flash can fucking AIDS and die. Eat AIDS. I don't think you can eat AIDS. I think if someone could give you a bowl of AIDS, then you could be fine. So let's put flash on your fucking phone. I don't think AIDS goes in that way. A bowl of AIDS, then you could be fine. So let's put Flash on your fucking phone. Okay, AIDS goes in that way. A bowl of AIDS.

How wrong is that? Could you just scoop up a bowl of AIDS? What do you think? What color would it be? I'd say yellow. So why don't we enjoy, like, let Flash onto our phone? That seems like a good idea.

Let's fuck our phone. Why don't you just change the subject like everybody else? Go with the flow, you fuck. This Flash thing thing he's obsessed with him but what's flash it's just a program that you run on the um on android phones that you can't run on apple iphones it's essentially uh animation web animation looks like little videos youtube used to use it but a lot of what they use now is html5 and they also have it directly for the iphone so you just anytime you click on a youtube

video you have like a youtube application that opens up so it recognizes most new videos like pretty quickly it's like hey my phone also has a floppy disk and the iphone doesn't so well yeah i definitely i definitely think that it works really seamlessly on the iphone the uh like when i go to youtube videos and shit like that. It works pretty fucking smooth. And it would have to be. I would have to be really impressed with how well it worked on the Droid. To think about switching over just because of that.

I tell you the hottest thing. Hottest thing in Mac technology. No, just kidding. The hottest thing right now I think is cool. Is the new operating system. The new operating system, new Mac OS has a screen sharing on it. So you just like, you can just hit this button. And if in any TV that has Apple TV, it sends your monitor to the TV now.

So like if you want to work on a 70-inch resolution screen on your laptop or whatever, you just hit this button and it will flip it to your TV. So I'm sitting there watching YouTube or doing websites and watching videos on my big TV. Your brain's going to break. Yeah. All of our brains are going to break. The integration, the technological integration is just getting too crazy. We're do the integration and the technological integration. It's just getting too crazy It's getting nuttier and nuttier

So what I gotta give you something I forgot I got a video for you. What is it? Oh What is it Pink Floyd live at Pompeii echoes yeah Live at Pompeii Echoes. Yeah. Oh. They fucking go out in that arena in Pompeii. Put it on. Real quick.

Tell me what it is again. Pink Floyd Live at Pompeii. Just put Echoes. Pink Floyd Echoes and it'll say Live at Pompeii. And click it up and fast forward the video to like two minutes. Pink Floyd Echoes Part 1? Yes. Live at Pompeii. Oh, live at Pompeii. Hold on.

Now, who the fuck went to Pompeii? Anybody even know what Pompeii is? Live at Pompeii. Here it is. Part 1. Is it in Pompano? No, it ain't in Pompeii. And how far do I go in? Go in like two minutes into the video. Oh, I can't do it. This is, this'll, uh, it also has a, I can go to Ustream and shut this off. Hold on a second., it also has, I can go to Ustream and shut this off. Hold on a second.

It's got what? I gotta go to Ustream and shut off the volume. You gotta see the, and I seen this movie as a kid on acid. And the other night somebody sent it to me and I went to YouTube and I had to watch it three times in a row. Okay, where do I tune into it? Go two minutes into it. Like, let it set and then just watch these motherfuckers. I mean, this is. two minutes into it. Let it set and then just watch these motherfuckers.

It's some Greek statues. Oh yeah. They're out there, dog. If you had a fucking time machine This is really cool. If you had a time machine what culture would you go back and watch? With the Greeks. The Greeks? Why is that? How fucking cool was it to have that Coliseum when bruce lee fought

just so many fucking things i think that's rome brother rome whatever same thing the romans the corinthians i'm confused dog who's the corinthians they're the wasps um that's who they became the romans became the italians the corinthians who the corinthians become yeah white people wasps is it french no they're the ones jesus talked to first remember jesus told the corinthians The Corinthians? Who'd the Corinthians become? Yeah, white people. Wasps. Is it French? No, they're the ones Jesus talked to first. Remember Jesus told the Corinthians? Yeah. I thought they were fucking white people.

I don't know. Like Anglos. I don't know. I've rejected all my teachings of my youth. Let me have some of your paper. But he's... Yeah, this is a weird thing. Why are they in Pompeii? They're doing a live-op, but just give it a minute.

Listen to this fucking music, though. They're like on a steaming island. Oh my God, it's amazing. Pictures of Greek gods. I would pick ancient Egypt. I would pick Egypt over Greece. But I think Greece would be pretty dope, too.

But I would like to... Right when the pyramids were being built I would love to have gone see what the fuck they were living like they keep finding shit that keeps pushing back the date of civilization later and later and later they found tools recently and proof that civilization is at least 20,000 years older than they thought it was that's a big jump 20,000 years older than they thought it was. That's a big jump. 20,000 years is a big goddamn jump.

And they're still finding stuff all the time. Who knows how much stuff is still buried in Turkey. You know, Turkey is where they found Troy. Turkey is where they found Gobekli Tepe. Turkey is where they found that statue with the exorcist.

Yeah. That's right. That's where the two dogs are fighting out in the fucking wilderness. Right. Bro, you watch that again. I'm telling you, I always talk about it because it's such a well-made movie. Oh, yeah. When he's in Arabia or in Africa, because that's Africa.

That's where the devil lives. The devil lives in Africa? Yeah. How do you know? Because, bro, everybody lives in Africa. All that shit started in Africa, bro. It all started, yeah lives in Africa. All that shit started in Africa, bro. It all started, yeah. This whole party started in Africa.

If you look back, look at it. It all started in fucking Africa. Brian, where's your dog, man? You shut that door so she can't eat cat shit? Okay. I just want to make sure she doesn't eat cat shit. Because that's rude. It's grass.

Oh, there was another thing they found recently, man. I wanted to talk about this. They found evidence that a mass amount of people were killed in London in the 1500s by a volcano. London volcano deaths. I was in the middle. I was running out the door when i read this and um i didn't didn't get a chance to really look at it like deep in there but this is apparently it's a recent discovery and what what they're what they've decided is that um they found thousands of

skeletons in mass graves in london's east end and they believe that many were victims of a 13th century volcanic eruption. Isn't that nuts? That's fucking crazy. Yeah. They found... Wow, this is amazing, man. The skeletons were uncovered next to... Wow, this is a weird word.

Spitafields? Spitafields? Spitafields Market. next to uh wow this is a weird word spit of fields spit of fields spit of fields market when the new new spittle spittle square what what kind of a name is that new spittle square um development was started 20 years ago so i guess they they started digging and they found this shit and now a 10-year ecological investigation by the Museum of London has discovered that the likely cause to be volcano, which led to world temperatures cooling down and crops failing, resulting in a mass starvation. Holy shit. 10,500 skeletons dating from the 12th to the 16th century were uncovered by the archaeologists, including mass burial pits that had scientists baffled

because the radiocarbon dating didn't match known events in medieval England like the Black Death or the Great Famine. That's incredible. This is 1258. There was a colossal volcano in 1258. Wow.

This is amazing, man. So this is a new discovery that such a massive global natural disaster has been identified in a small area of East London. That's incredible, man. That is amazing shit. Yeah, we don't know too much. You know, when they really talk about history, like what we really know about the past, man, we don't really know that much. We don't know dick. We just make a fucking assumption. We dig, we dig, we dig. And every other week we come up with a new fucking assumption. It's amazing how much we're finding.

And that fucking tape of Mars either. That looks kinky to me too. You don't think that's real? Nah. And who gives a fuck? You're going to go to Mars now now 14 billion dollars with all this shit we got going on this fucking country Mars for what who gives a fuck about Mars I'm sitting there going there's a fugazi this

fucking thing they make this in Burbank well this is what I think I think first of all yeah they did go and it's awesome and when you you spend money on scientific innovation for space travel you're dealing with the cream of the crop of people that are trying to figure out how to manipulate space and matter and and transport things and how to you know i mean you're dealing with the most the the most knowledgeable scientists on earth strive to be... Strive to be... Joey, come on.

I mean, I'm serious, but this is what I'm saying to you. You're being silly. No, no, no, but I'm just talking from the heart. I'm telling you that everything that they do... I know, but what's it got to do with the fucking price of eggs? What the fuck? What it has to do... We got fucking AIDS, we got diseases,

we got fat kids running around. What the fuck do I give a fuck if a thing lands on Mars? Definitely we should pay attention to those things. You know what? It doesn't mean we shouldn't go and explore the universe. Because they learn, Joe. Little by little. We're fucking dying here, dog.

This country's fucking dying. We got time. I don't give a fuck what goes on on Mars. I don't give a fuck what goes on in London either in 1529. I'm from the church of what's happening now, motherfucker. If you care about that shit, you got too much fucking time on your hands, guy. Fucking Mars. What's that got to do? We got houses shutting the fuck down. You got billions of dollars to go to Mars? I don't give a fuck about Mars.

Why don't you get this excited about the wars? Because that costs a thousand times more than going to Mars. I don't get excited about none of that shit because it doesn't have to... They've been fighting for ten years and I'm still paying $5 for fucking gas, guy. The money we're spending on the war is a billion... Billions! Billions and billions of dollars. Garbage!

Every fucking year. So now we gotta spend more fucking money on going to Mars? It's bad enough for fucking Afghanistan. That Mars thing is a positive thing. The Mars thing... They're gonna get innovation out of this project that's gonna aid them in everything else.

It's gonna eventually lead to... Who knows what kind of space travel eventually we're gonna have. You everything else. It's going to eventually lead to, who knows what kind of space travel eventually we're going to have. We're never going to go and I'm never going to go, so who gives a fuck? It's got nothing to do with us. That's what the problem with us is.

We care about shit that's got nothing to fucking do with us. This is why I care about it because it's cool as fuck. Okay. When that thing lands on Mars and starts taking pictures and sending it through the sky

and I see a room full of people who've worked on nothing but this for years and they're cheering. Oh yeah, I know. I think of people who've worked on nothing but this for years. Jumping up and down. And they're cheering. Oh, yeah, I know. I think it's fucking awesome. The only time I cheer, it's when somebody scores, and I pick up an envelope with the fucking thing.

All right? You're going to jump up and down because somebody landed in Mars. Fuck yeah. Like a bunch of fucking geeks that they were with blue shirts on and shit, jumping up and fucking down. But, Joey, that's their art. That's what NASA is. NASA is all the geeks in the world put together. And I appreciate travel.

You know, 10 years ago, we hung out for years, and you would talk about the moon landing was fake. Now all of a sudden you're happy about fucking Mars guy. Come on, man. Give me a fucking break with these fucking Mars guys. Are they all connected? I'm sick and tired of Marsians, vampires, and all this waste of thought that goes out every day.

It's waste of thought. We got bigger things to fry. Gas is $5 a tank. We got this Milt Romney guy who's a fucking commie cocksucker wasp. Fuck from Idaho or Utah, wherever the fuck he's from, against Obama. The only thing that's going on good there is his wife, because she's making fat kids get fucking skinny. That's it. I mean, what the fuck? What the fuck? We don't even have a president. We don't even have somebody to vote for the next four years.

And we're worried about fucking Mars Joe Rogan really about fucking what happened in England in 1529 We need to fucking know what's gonna happen the next three years. You know what dog you're right I'm about to have a baby, and I'm fucking scared because what is he gonna have in 40 years? What we're gonna have we're gonna be getting fucked in the ass by Arabs by a bunch of white people Go see if the Arabs are jumping up and down. They're fucking going, wait till we get those white, if they get excited like that about landing on Mars, wait till they sniff

this Arab asshole as they're sucking my dick. Does my learn have, does my daughter have to learn Spanish, or does she have to learn fucking Arab in the next 20 fucking years? That's what I'm worried about, dog. Does my kid have to go to school with 80 fucking foreigners, or does she, that's what I worry about. So fuck Mars, my kid have to go to school with 80 fucking foreigners? That's what I worry about. So fuck Mars, bro.

I don't want to hear about fucking Mars and a bunch of fucking waspy fucks with glasses jumping up and down because we landed on Mars. Our fucking mortgage is upside down in this country. Fucking people are homeless, dog. I understand that, Joey, but are you going to stop doing stand-up? No. I'm not going to stop doing that. So why would they stop putting

that rover on Mars? But what's Mars got to do with the price of eggs? That's what they do. That's what they do. I'm not going to stop doing that. So why would they stop putting that rover on Mars? But what's Mars got to do with the price of eggs? That's what they do. That's what they do. I know that, but what's that do with the price of eggs? Their art is creating something. Their art is creating something that can fly through fucking space for a year. That's great. Land on your fucking

time. When I go to the hockey, and I think they pay me. These motherfuckers are using my money to go to fucking Mars They take a half of your fucking check But they take half of my fucking check to go to Mars motherfucker you get angry when you they take that money and they go To war I don't even think about it, but war is something more than war we need war more fight What how much money do we make by going to Mars when we put a Burger King on my thing? We need more. What are we going to put? A Burger King on Mars? You really think we need more? What are we going to put on Mars? All the Burger Kings. How are we going to make?

How are we going to pick up an envelope? There ain't a Jew. There ain't a fucking Jew that's happy right now about what's going on in Mars. This podcast is sponsored by ear doctors all across America.

The conspiracy is that black helicopters have hired Joey Diaz to make people blow their eardrums out. That pisses me the fuck off, Joe Rogan. It's a conspiracy.

We have so many things going on in this country. Olive Garden. Schools are closing. Fucking people Joe Rogan. It's a conspiracy. We have so many things going on in this country. Schools are closing. Fucking people don't know. He's immoral. Cities are closing. And human bastards. And we gotta go to fucking Mars to give a fuck? Listen I go to- Joey I support your hubris on this. No no no and listen bro I don't mind we gotta send three Puerto Ricans over there to stab an Arab. That's what needs to be done. They're gonna blow up a fucking building or three black guys to stab an Arab. That's what needs to be done. They're going to blow up a fucking building or three black guys to stab an Arab. That's what needs to be done.

War is money. The fucking bottom line, the square root of war, guy, is GEDIS. And we've all known that. GEDIS. That's the square root of money. I don't see any GEDIS in us going to Mars except taking a bunch of rich people

and charging them to take them to Mars is a cool trick. Well, let me explain to you. Every fucking drone that's flying in Pakistan and taking out Al-Qaeda, if you believe in that shit, every one of them is made by scientists. Beautiful, and I'm with that. If you want to argue about keeping people safe,

the best way to keep people safe, look, I'm not saying that I advocate drones because a fuckload of civilians have died from the use of drone attack, but if they eventually get that shit wired to the point where they can kill everybody they want to kill that's where it's the scientists that are involved in making that shit are the same scientists that are involved in making all sorts of different spacecrafts and aircrafts and i love them that they're making the technology man you

want to kill somebody you make i want to see the bullet i don't need a gun for it i just got to go like this and a hitch in your head blows up. I appreciate the scientists, but not right now, billions of dollars to go to fucking Mars? Joey, that is a tiny fraction of what our military budget is. It's a tiny fraction. The military is fighting for our freedom. What does Mars have to do with us? Is a Martian going to come back to Vegas? Joey, that's a crazy thing to say.

I said it, I said it. The military is fighting for our freedom. Is that why we're in countries that have absolutely nothing to do with us? Is that why we invaded them? Come on, man. That's crazy talk. There's two sides to that fucking flag, brother. You know we're good and we're bad.

We got to kill some months. You got to break a fucking few omelets to fucking make an omelet. You got to break some eggs to make a few omelets. Whatever they're doing, it's a lot better than fucking they're selling drugs. The CIA sells coke. At least they're making money. Mars ain't got fucking they're selling drugs the cia sells coke at least they're making money mars ain't got nothing here's the big thing joey every time every time they send something to like mars or do these missions they are also doing hundreds of experiments and these experiments are experiments that that we can't do you know

you know in down on earth we you in a lot of these experiments lead to other things that that do help us out like cures for cancer and and fucking time travel let's get the cure listen Joe has to be a dollar it's gonna be it's gonna come a point in time if we follow the path that we're on right now where we might not be living on this fucking planet anymore where human beings might pollute this motherfucker the point we're gonna want to escape and what they're gonna do is they're going to send shit to Mars to terraform

just like they did in the movie Aliens. And they're going to put a fucking fake atmosphere on Mars and that's going to be our little escape colony. Can I ask you a question? What do you guys want to do with us? You'll be dead. I'll be dead. You'll be fucking dead. I'm alive right now and when something lands on Mars

I get geeked out. I get creeped out looking at the photos i'm like that that land has it ever been seen before is it like has there been people that have walked on looks like fucking arizona well you know it does look like arizona but you know there is um there's a real theory that's a fascinating theory that mars used to inhabit life and it used to have an atmosphere but it was hit by an asteroid and uh that's one of the reasons why they want to keep sending things there and get the test because if it was a planet that supported life like ours but then it was hit by an asteroid we realized that we've had mass extinctions on this planet at least two of them that were caused by asteroids you know hundreds of millions years ago and then 65 million years

ago they know there's been some just doozies that have landed. But it's possible that one could land that just kills the whole thing, and that's a wrap. Let me ask you something, bro. What's that got to do with you? Can you sell an asteroid? Can you bring an asteroid to a check-cash incentive dog? I'm here to get my fucking money.

Fucking asteroid. Who are you going to vote for this year? I mean, I don't want to... Do you feel... I'm going to write in Doug Stanhope. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. I'm going to write in Doug don't want to. I'm going to write in Doug Stanhope. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. I'm going to write in Doug Stanhope. Yeah, I'm going to write in Doug Stanhope.

I mean, do you see what's going on in this country? We could get a lot of people to write in Doug Stanhope. Do you see what's going on in this country, Joe Rogan? Yeah. You're a fucking intelligent guy. I'm a fucking Momo, and I know that both of them are bums. You're an intelligent guy. You just looked me at my face and told me,

you're not confident about anybody who's running for president in this country. You and another fucking million people feel that way. Well, this is the real problem. We feel that way. They're gonna have to restructure this whole fucking thing. The way this thing works now, first of all, getting people to offices, absolute horseshit. This whole electoral college, that might have worked when there was a hundred fucking farmers out there in the middle of Pennsylvania and that's it. That shit, that's

not going to fly anymore. That's stupid. The electoral college is ridiculous. It should be one person, one vote, one adult, one vote. You should be able to vote online, you fucks. It should be real simple. You should be able to register with a personal ID number, like your credit card information. There should be some steps that you have to go through to authenticate your identity. And then as soon as they authenticate you, as soon as they get you and they identify you, then you should be able to vote. It shouldn't be some crazy electoral college, and you have to go to some place and register, and it's difficult to get in line to vote. You gotta wait and get

off work and you're, well, I'm gonna go vote, so I gotta leave now and beat the rush. Come on. It's 2012. I've had a felony since 1987 and they're still fucking up sending me shit to vote, though. That's funny. Every year. And they send me jury duty. I gotta go down there for every fucking month and

fucking argue with those people. That's hilarious. They send me jury duty. I go, didn't you do a background check? Yes, we did. You're eligible for jury duty. Can you believe that? You're eligible for jury duty? Bro, can you fuck two fucking 19 felonies and I'm eligible for jury duty?

You had to pay an attorney to get you out of that? Well, I had to lie because I had to tell him I had a movie. I was going somewhere else. So you got to do what you got to do. You know what I'm saying? Sorry about that. That chocolate bar fucked me up. I think it's all right, man. You know what I'm saying? Sorry about that. That chocolate ball fucked me up. You know what I'm saying?

I think it's all right, man. I know what you're doing. Just having fun. No, no, no. Have you watched the Olympics? Fuck no. I watched. We talked about that.

I watched these little men fly through the air barefoot. I watched a little wrestling. And I watched the, I can't watch the basketball. I watched the gymnastics a little bit. It's interesting when it's happening. It is sort of, what I like about the Olympics is bit. It's interesting when it's happening. It is sort of... What I like about the Olympics is it becomes sort of a national festivity.

Everybody's rooting for us and excited. Apparently the boxing team had the worst showing ever. The boxing team didn't medal at all. It's really fucked up. It's like the first time ever that the U.S. boxed. Because everybody's doing MMA. Nobody's boxing no more. I wonder if that's what it is. That's it. People said fuck it. Holy shit.

Damn. I ain't doing it. You know what? I bet you're right. But I was watching wrestling today when I was at the Y. Wrestling was on this afternoon. Yeah. So I didn't really understand what was going on.

Now, what happened with the judo Cuban guy? He hit the ref or something? Did you hear? A Cuban guy? Yes. A Taekwondo guy kicked the ref in the face. Are you serious? Yeah.

I saw this basketball game where somebody just like like he seriously just ran in the guy and pretty much almost punched the guy he's his ball out of yeah there's a lot of people getting up tight i mean you think about the pressure involved in being in olympics you represent your whole country and flying through the air we're just trying to land perfect and that all your life has been built up for this moment to practice all for this one moment just hurling yourself through the air flipping it's gotta be a great fucking feeling it's gotta be insane it's gotta be a great feeling to win a medal it just gotta be a great feeling to just be able to go to the olympics fuck it and just to win a

silver whatever the fuck do you think you could drop michael phelps off in the middle of the ocean and he would find a way to get to the shore yeah do you think how long do you think it would take that guy to drown three days seven days seven days i think i think he could do two days no two days swimming a pool super athlete man he's a super athlete and it's salt water just float up The ocean's got a little buoyancy. Two different things, brother. Yeah. You swim in the pool when you swim in the ocean. Imagine if you get dropped off, okay?

To your right in one mile is an island. To your left in 2,000 miles is the shore. And where do you go? Do you go left? Do you go right? Could you imagine? You're like, fuck, I don't know which way to go. But you don't know where the island is.

You don't know. You're in the middle. All you see. You could get in a spot in the water where all you see is water. Could you imagine that decision? Go left or go right? How do you trust your instincts? How do you not second guess yourself? Do you tune yourself into true north? How do you know where the fucking land is? Think about those

fucking Cubans, bro. Oh, yeah. That build the shit. And they tell them that you have systems. Like there's people that have done it and have failed and gone back. And these guys are like the people who come over and help you. Like, this is what you got to do. You got to go down.

You got to leave it when the tide is high. Yeah. You know, there's all, you just don't get in the fucking ocean and swim. They have like a whole process. You have to go when the tide is high. Isn't that a Blondie song? When the tide is high and I to bring one song when the tide is high i wanna be your number one number one

so think about that you know when you that's why when you always said to me nick diaz swims to whatever the fuck i gotta tell you that's one of gotta tell you, that's one of the roughest waters. That's one of the coldest waters. One of the most shark-infested waters because you could be in a pool and it's 60 degrees, right? But once you jump in the fucking ocean, I don't know how cold the ocean is. Dirty, maybe? It's cold as fuck. I don't fucking know. It's not dirty

because then it would be ice. But I know that it fucking makes you slow down. Yeah. It does something to your joints and to your muscles. It contracts your lungs, too. Yeah. You know, it does something to your joints and to your muscles. It contracts your lungs too. Yeah, it's a complete... Yeah, oh please. When you get in cold water, it's really hard to breathe.

It was... You know that dude who's a WWE star, The Miz? Do you know who he is? No. I think he was on like Real World

or something like that, one of those shows. But then he was a pro wrestler and he came on Fear Factor once. And I'm telling you, man man we had a lot of people on fear factor but this motherfucker was the most fit guy we ever had on fear factor period like no doubt he would do like hundreds of uh those body weight squats and he was a wrestler and like the

dude was like in serious serious condition in cold water it was fucking freezing out in cold water this motherfucker jumped into a tank and did all this shit and moved all this for two minutes and 20 seconds Everybody else had to go up for air and go back down go up for air go back down this to just Just jumped in and did the whole fuck while it's freezing cold water smoke the joy of his life He's been eating wheatgrass and running hills Let me tell you something you when I drowned at the Y that time, that's how I almost drowned because that's what got me.

What? You drowned at the Y? What happened? Well, fucking seven years ago. I threw the longest yard, bro. Why? I never told you this. I fucking tell the bit on stage.

That's a true story, bro. You never told me. You know, when I was embarrassed and I went to the Y one day and I asked the guy to train me and I got on the treadmill and I could only do three minutes. Wow.

And he sat me down. He goes, Dog, A, you got to quit smoking and B, you got to lose weight and I got on the treadmill I can only do three minutes why he sat me down he goes dog hey you gotta quit smoking and be got loose weight you can't he goes you're gonna hurt your joints if you walk on the treadmill he goes go in the pool I'm like you're a genius the pools none so I would go early and go on the training pool which is 90 degrees right the water you're in the water oh you could when you go in there degree well you gotta look at you you're doing back shit you're flipping up the water you're like fucking splash you're throwing side shit. You're flipping underwater. You're like fucking splash. You're throwing sidekicks.

You're throwing punches like Muhammad Ali. But one day I went, and it was fucking the afternoon. So I had to go into the Olympic pool. You got to go sign your name. And I thought, you know, I've been swimming for two weeks. You know, I can do this. I got this. That's what I went for.

I had swam and bowled in the master swimming program. So I thought it just took a couple weeks to get the shit back to you. I didn't know, bro. I signed up and I jumped in the middle lane at the YMCA in the Olympic pool. That water's like fucking 42 or whatever it is. As soon as I hit Joe Rogan, everything just froze. And my fat little legs were moving. But I wasn't moving.

I was just spinning around in circles. Because I think once the water gets cold, it's even harder to maneuver in there. Oh, yeah. It's really hard. fat little legs were moving but i wasn't moving i was just spinning around in circles because i think once the water gets cold it's even harder to maneuver in there oh yeah something it was and i hadn't done it in a while listening your body freezes up listen bro i'm bold and i'm the witness to this and bold as she does that class outside year round what class the master swimming program is done outside oh wow so when you get there on your bicycle, they shovel. Oh, yeah. So you run from the...

So that's the pools outside. I still got a change inside in Boulder. Right. Those crazy fucking wasps walk from that hut to the pool in the snow. They just part the fucking snow. You know that. They make a path from the house to the... And the pool's heated? The pool is heated.

So they're just climbing the pool. That sounds awesome. But the pool's not that heated, not Jacuzzi. This is Boulder. You know, this is Jane. This lady was crazy. It is, even if the water is heated, still, it's fucking... When your head gets wet and you pop your head out and it's 10 degrees outside,

even if the water's 90 degrees, it still sucks. You see that fucking steam coming off that water. But I jump into this Y and I go into the middle and I'm trying to get out of there Joe and these two Mexican kids like mister can we help you and I'm like fuck yeah so they try to pull me out and they can't pull me out so they go we'll get you we'll save you

and they go and all of a sudden they brought a hoist in so a hoist is what they put in the middle of the thing they wanted me to swim back into the middle I was going to go in there with my fat little orca body, and they were going to pull me out like they pulled orca. That's a hoist, right? Right.

And I'm like, dog, I'm drowning here. I can't go back to the middle. And all of a sudden they pressed. They called the ambulance. So the ambulance came, but I didn't sign. I ain't paying the $1,800. I ran out of there before. I'm happy I got the fuck out of there before the ambulance came.

As they were coming in with the thing, I was walking out. And I never went back to the wire for about six months. I was so fucking embarrassed I almost drowned at the Hollywood Y bro Wow just unprepared just went into that water and it was cold and my lungs just fucking froze Stopped how often you working out now? For but I'm not swimming. Did you change anything about your diet when you when we did that mike dolce podcast yeah i went but you know i like the dolce stuff but i don't like i don't like a lot of weird vegetables i never have and i'm not gonna eat them at this i'm not gonna really fucking eat them you know i eat them man what i have done that's really been good is i finally got the sparkles water in my kitchen yeah and uh i don don't drink soda. Good. That's beautiful.

That's beautiful. I've been doing that a lot more. You know, water, this is what you gotta get in your head, too. Water tastes fucking good. Water tastes good. It tastes good. It tastes real good.

You know, it's not like you need a soda. Like, sometimes water tastes better than a soda. Like, you just, in your head, the soda's like the naughty thing. But a meatball sandwich,

you gotta get a beer with. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Like, if we're gonna get a sausage sandwich right now, we gotta get a Heineken. You know, there's certain sandwich, you gotta get a beer with. You know what I'm saying? If we're gonna get a sausage sandwich right now, we gotta get a Heineken. You know, there's certain things that you gotta get a cocktail with or a

fucking something. Water doesn't taste good with some stuff. There's no taste to water. Well, when you're talking about for enjoyment for food, yeah, for sure. But as far as a clean taste, if water was rare, and it may very well be someday, it may very well be someday that in our future generations we fucked up so bad that water becomes valuable.

I looked up what you told me. You can only drink soda. I did look up what you told me. We're in trouble. As far as what? They're leasing out these rivers, bro. Yeah. Remember we discussed this on the plane or something.

For water. I think they leased out, I don't know, how many fucking rivers in 2009? For bottled water. For bottled water. Yeah, well, it's so funny if you think about water. Because, you know, water, new water hasn't been made for millions of years. So, like, we're fucking, you know, drinking water that Jesus pooped out at one point, you know? The water just gets recycled and recycled and stuff like that.

It actually comes here in asteroids too comes here in comets does it yeah when you see a comet flying across the sky that trail that's uh that's melting ice that's what that is so we get really small amounts of water from well the earth from the earth was born you know we've been hit by you know many many different asteroids and many bodies from outer space but very likely we've been hit by giant slabs of ice from outer space and that the water that we have on this earth comes from other planets and that every thing in this world is extraterrestrial because the whole the whole planet has been created by things that have come from other planets that

have been sucked into it it's's not like, you know, it wasn't like there was a thing, and it was the Earth. No, the thing, the Earth, was nailed by asteroids. The moon was created because it was hit by another planet. Like, a lot of shit has hit it. And comets have hit the Earth, apparently, and dropped water.

And that's, like, where all the water comes from. Yeah, but isn't it, like, on fire when it's entering the Earth? Yeah, it's too big. You know, you're talking about a piece of ice that's who knows how many fucking miles wide and it actually survives re-entry and i mean you try to wrap your head around that try to wrap your head around a piece of ice that can survive re-entry how big does that have to be this guy you know when you live in boulder you know you do all

that you know you smoke your dope and you go to all those hippie things. A lot of hippie things. Let me just say one thing. It might not survive the entry. It might burn up in the atmosphere and become storms. Who the fuck knows? I don't know how many of them actually do land, but I do know that the water that we have is from a lot of it, they believe, is from, like, Pansperia,

the idea that it comes from asteroids and shit. So you can almost say that our waters could be being, like, ingredients added to it from aliens. Well, you could be being like ingredients added to it from from aliens well you could be when if you know if water did come here if water did come here it could have had biological entities frozen inside of it that's how they give us the firmware upgrades is from comet water they're like all right we're gonna yeah well that could be that that's what asteroids are is like the reset button software updates it says reset button that's why they had to get rid of dinosaurs they got too crazy like maybe the dinosaurs were like a good idea it'd be like tigers we can kind

of keep control of them but still maintain some sort of a civilization but t-rex just got way too fucking big you know this giant huge lizard just running through villages eating people so they had to just jack them all start fresh boom meteor impact now one of those geniuses in bold I took a course in time in evolution just some shitty three credit thing and this guy

was saying that the world was a lot fucking bigger in circumference diameter I mean but over the years

you were saying all the hits it's gotten down really it gets smaller that's what he was that's what his theory was their theory whatever this is 20 years That's what he was feeling. That's what his theory was.

Their theory, whatever. This is 20 years ago. Right, right. But he was saying, think about it. He goes, all these, we're the bottom. He goes, even when we walk around Boulder and all those mountains, we're the bottom of that. That was bigger at one time. Yeah.

He felt, you know, these people, whatever, felt that it was bigger. We've just been getting hit for the last million years. Well, what's really creepy is when you look at the moon. Because the moon doesn't have anything up there. It's just this one surface color. You know, it doesn't vary that much. So when you look at it, all you're seeing is these fucking craters. There's no atmosphere.

So they don't get burnt up. They just hit it. So you just see doom, doom, doom everywhere. The whole thing is just pockmarked. Like that dude's face from... What's that dude's name? James Olmos. that's the guy yeah i mean come on man if if that if that's how many are coming at us all those holes that are on

the moon if that's how many people are coming at us some of those are big there's some really big craters what was the last time we got they don't know but speculation has been uh most most recent big one they think was about somewhere around 12 000 years ago 10 to 12 000 years ago because they found all of this um it's a type of molten rock that occurs during nuclear tests and it also occurs during meteor impacts and they found it all over the world at the same core level. When they do soil samples, then they go down to between 10,000 and 12,000 years, I believe it is, somewhere in that range. That's where they keep finding it, all over the Earth.

And that's also significantly when the end of the Ice Age sort of is. Like, it's sort of coinciding with the same time. 10,000 years ago, that's when people were making their way across here from Russia on the Bering Strait. The whole ice age of 10,000 years ago ended abruptly, and a lot of animals died in mass extinction events, like woolly mammoths, saber-toothed tigers died in mass graves. And the speculation is that was the last big meteor shower.

And that somewhere around 10,000 to 12,000 years ago, most of civilization got fucked sideways. So we started all over again. A lot of people started all over again. And that explains a lot of things. It explains a lot of ancient buildings that nobody knows how the fuck they built them. lot of ancient buildings that nobody knows how the fuck they built them it's most more most likely that we had went on a we had gotten a very high level of sophistication i say we they the people in a bunch of different shit but um we went in a totally different path once we rebuilt and then our path when we rebuilt was a little bit more lost and became more technological in nature

but you can't deny the shit that they built. The stuff they built in Greece, just look at the Acropolis and the Parthenon. You think these motherfuckers built that shit thousands and thousands of years ago on top of some shit that was from thousands of years before that? It might have been a super advanced culture. They got fucked up by

meteors. Just because I get a little fucked up. All this stuff that they have in Greece now. Was this also part of Greek mythology like Med medusa like when i watch clash of the titans i'm just asking you guys when the fuck was clad not this shit they came out with the original with mark hamill whatever that motherfucker's name is the original well i think what it is i think if i had to guess what the greek gods were all about i would have to guess you have to have first first of all, some sort of an explanation for storms. And, you know, we don't have to deal with too much fucking weather

here in sunny California. We're getting pretty soft because of that. But if you live on the East Coast and you've been anywhere near a hurricane, you know how goddamn terrifying Mother Nature can be. And if you're living in Greece, I'm assuming they get some sort of storms. I'm assuming that their leaders would have to have some sort of an explanation of what the fuck is going on. And I think it's a form of expression. In creativity, they figured out a way to create Thor and Zeus and create this whole mythology behind it.

And it was probably just to calm everybody the fuck down and keep everybody together. They probably had to have some sort of an explanation. What is the lightning? What is this? Okay, okay. It's a guy named Thor. He's the god of thunder.

Okay? He's up there. He's shooting lightning bolts down. He's actually in a fight with his brother who's a dick. His brother's name is Loki. Loki wants to run shit, and he's an asshole. All right, so what about Gladiator? What was that shit?

Wasn't that when Zeus was around? Odin. And then there's? What was that shit? Wasn't that when Zeus was around? Odin. And then there's Odin. Gladiator? Was that when Zeus was around? Yeah, I don't know. I'm fucking asking you. That's not even the same country.

That's Rome. That's the Roman gladiators. Like, you know, the Greek mythology. Yeah, what's his face? The actor. Yeah, so he... That was his last great movie, right?

That was the best one he ever did. Yeah. That was the best. That was iconic. That's like... That puts him in the list of all what the is his name russell crowe that puts him in the list of all-time greatest movie stars there's a handful five or ten dudes he's right in there that was a great it was amazing i loved him amazing we loved you know what else he was great in that can't that cigarette movie uh yes the insider yes that's he that guy can really

abandon himself into a part he's one of was great. Oh, that guy can really abandon himself into a part. He's one of those few dudes. Those few dudes that can really abandon themselves. Pacino was in that too, right? The Insider, yes. Pacino. Yeah, was he? Pacino plays the reporter from 60 Minutes, doesn't he?

Oh, that's right. And his boss was Glenn whatever. He's fucking good. Yeah, I still appreciate the fuck out of a great movie like that. But, man, it's hard to find a good one. It's hard a great movie like that but it's man it's just it's hard to it's hard to find a good one it's hard to find them like that you know it's you ever go back and watch like a movie from the 70s when they were really like art pieces you know like they had big art pieces like uh lamans do you ever see lamans steve mcqueen yeah i watched that recently

lamans is fucking nobody even talks for the first like 15 minutes of that movie it's a bunch of happening where you watch them this guy live in his life i mean he's driving his car he doesn't say anything he goes to the locker room he doesn't say anything i mean it's like he's you're watching everything go out there it's telling you a story without a single word it's really fascinating and i think if you're going to use the the visual medium of movie like that is one of the coolest ways to tell a story. Because that is the one thing that you cannot achieve in writing. If you say that it can never live up to the writing, well, we're showing you things with no dialogue whatsoever.

Like painting, that's one of the best ways you can create with a visual medium. To not even use the words. Why do you always bait me into this this conversation because you know where it's gonna go where's it gonna go it's gonna go back to the best movies when were they made you know if you watch the best songs when were they made well they didn't really know what they were doing yet movies Lamont if I put Lamont on for fucking red band red band will throw me out of his house. Because Red Band is part of, you know, today we want it fast. Like if you watch anything from the 70s, it's a tough fucking follow.

I don't give a fuck. The Godfather's easy. The Exorcist is easy. But how the best was won. They did not have Twitter attention spans. No, they didn't have. And that's what you have to understand. So when we tell you, you know, I watched your movie the other day.

Great movie. The Friends of Eddie Coyle. What a crazy fucking movie. And still, if you're with the wrong people in the room, they're going to go, Joey, you got to change this before I fucking fall asleep. I learned that from Anthony Bourdain, too. I was watching his show on Boston. He did a show on Boston.

You know, I grew up in Boston, so I was excited by it. It was pretty interesting. He decided to hang out mostly in South Boston. Hung around in, around in weird little places where you get lobster sandwiches and little boxing gyms and shit, but then he brought up that movie. I had never heard of it.

Robert Mitchell movies. What is this, from the 70s? 73, yeah, tremendous movie. Tony Santos. I mean, if you watch that movie, there's a lot of character actors. There's some character actors, but those movies...

They're pieces of art. What's the movie when... We discussed this. When Charles Bronson comes out, and he goes, did you movies... They're pieces of art. What's the movie when we discuss this, when Charles Bronson comes out and he goes, did you bring a horse for me? No. One horse, you know, too many. Yeah, you fucked up.

What does he say? Yeah, well, no, you brought one too many. Yeah. No, you're one too... That takes 15 fucking minutes, that scene. Yeah. You would go, Joey, change this. Well, he gets off the train.

The bell rings. The crow flies. Three guys walk this way. Three guys walk this way. Again, they show the feet. If you want to go back to movie badasses, all-time great movie badasses, in my opinion, no one can fuck with Charles Bronson. You can't fuck with Charles Bronson. Movie badasses, legitimate legitimate real movie badasses,

you know, as far as like a guy you really believed. I believed him in hard times, okay? You know, I believe Clint Eastwood a little bit, but he did comedies like Every Which Way But Loose, and when you do those, there is a little something lost. Charles Bronson never did

a stupid comedy that wasn't that funny, you know, but Stallone has. Stallone had that one with his mother yeah yeah yeah stopping my mom will shoot yeah what was the other one i don't know what was the one with kurt russell he was a cop and it's one of the worst movies of all time the dialogue is so bad in that movie with him and kurt russell that people like replay it they do it as like theater art, as a performance art because the lyrics, the words rather, the dialogue is so bad.

The one he did with his wife. Brigitte Nielsen? Yeah, go ahead. I don't shop here anyway. Was that Cobra? Cobra. Oh, and he had the craziest car. This guy,

he can't have a regular car. I want him to have the oldest car you can get. It's got to have glass. It's got to be an old car. He had this old shitbox car, and he's racing people that are in modern cars, catching them. Come on, man.

You know he made good movies. Those old fucking torpedoes. You know when he made good movies when he was young? Fist was good. The Pope. Yeah. The Lord's a Flashbush. Yeah, that was his first. That was his first movie. Henry Winkler was in that one good the pope yeah the son what's up the lord's a flash bush yeah that

was his first that was his first uh henry winkler how much for the ring let me go outside ladies let me talk to this yeah you know he talked to the guy what was the one when he was the fighter not rocky that was looking at stallone he's he can act his ass off he just does a lot of movies well they pay them yeah he made uh wrest dick. What's the one where he arm wrestled? Oh, I don't remember that one. That one because his kid. Over the top. Was that over the top?

Over the top. What was the one where he went to jail and he broke himself out with the car? Him and the kid from King of Queens. They had the car. The kid from King. Yeah, the Italian kid that used to hang out with Kevin James in that. There's a skinny kid in that. Go look it up.

He did a movie that came out. I was in the halfway house. 91, 92. What's the guy's name? I don't know. But. He did a movie that came out. I was in the halfway house, 91, 92. What's the guy's name? I don't know, but Stallone did a movie where he goes to jail and in there they work on a car.

Okay. Remember, they worked on a car and the car was fast and it brought him back. Please, please, look it up because I'm not going to make it home. The car brought me back.

Go ahead, please. What am I going to look up? What did you just say? IMDB. What did you even just say? A movie. Just go to fucking Sylvester Stallone and look at 1990 and see what movie came out. And you can see everything we're talking about.

Here, boy, you put on my glasses. I can't do this. I can't do this. I don't care enough. I want to know what this fucking movie is. I don't care enough to get specific. If you think that that movie you think is bad, the one with karate, with the kid, the bouncer, you got to watch this. Oh, Roadhouse? Yeah. Roadhouse is amazing. Don't say Road think is bad the one with karate with the the kid the bouncer you gotta watch roadhouse yeah roadhouse is amazing this is roadhouse is bad this is roadhouse is not bad

roadhouse is so bad it's good that's why roadhouse roadhouse is my favorite hotel movie if i'm flipping through the channels uh out of respect if roadhouse comes on i keep it on if i'm just flipping through the channels and any other movie comes on, I'll see what else is on. I'll keep changing. Listen, Machete is the worst movie that you leave on because it's so bad. When he takes the wire, when he takes the guy's intestines and he flies out the door. First of all, why would you watch that? Because I'm high and I can't find the remote in the hotel room.

And I got a lot of friends that are Mexican, so I got to watch the movie. Is it maybe Lock Up? Lock up. Thank you. He works on the car, and then the warden tells him, if you fix the car, I'm going to shut your parole off.

So he has to beat up the warden. It's like the longest drive for cars. Yeah. Trust me. I tried to watch the new... Ari and I tried to watch the new Sherlock Holmes movie, and we were like,

what the fuck is this? What did they do? What did they do? Did they just put this together in a week? It was so clunky. The plot was clunky. The dialogue was so fake. Sherlock Holmes is one of those characters that was cool if it was a book

back in the old days. But now it's like, hey, do you want to see a movie with the Hardy Boys? You know what it is, man? They fucked up. Robert Downey Jr. They got it right in the first one. I thought the first Sherlock Holmes movie was good. But now it's like, hey, do you want to see a movie with the Hardy Boys? You know what it is, man? They fucked up. The other guy? Yeah, Robert Downey Jr. They got it right in the first one. I thought the first Sherlock Holmes movie was good. But the latest one was like, what are you doing?

It's like a parody. It was not good. That new movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, Mr. Sloan. The Expendables? The Expendables. It's going to be awesome. You think so? Of course it is.

God, it looks so horrible. If you want to go see that kind of movie, it's going to be awesome. It looks horrible. I never saw the first one. Well, you've got to know what that is. That's like a champ driving a muscle car. It's just crazy to watch. I saw the preview in Art Sports Network.

It goes, I'm back. And I'm like, are you kidding me? He's really fucking awesome. Of course. He'll say that, man. If you're in the theater and he gets out there and he locks and loads, and he goes, I'm back, you'll go, yes. Especially if you were 14 and you were living in Ohio still.

Think about that. If you were 14 and you were back in Ohio, would you not go crazy for this movie? No, I'd be like, who the fuck is Arnold Schwarzenegger? I don't give a shit about this dude anymore. Oh, he's in that shitty movie I saw on HBO that one time? No. Like, kids, if you watch Terminator right now,

you're like, who cares? I got Transformers. No, I'm just saying what kids like 13-year-olds. Arnold Schwarzenegger? We think it's good. Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kids will not think that's good.

I watched Superman the other day, and I watched Return of Batman or whatever, the one with Michelle Pfeiffer and Danny DeVito as the Joker. How bad was it? That was horrible. Almost awful to watch. Was that Michael Douglas? Michael Douglas. I used to think in my head, Michael Keaton was the best Batman. I like Michael Keaton. I watched that shit. It was the biggest pile of shit ever.

I can't believe I ever thought that movie was good. Then I watched Superman. I was like, this is the dumbest, cheesiest fucking movie ever. Did they put Richard Pryor in Superman 2 one of them three or four yeah there was but Superman 2 like here's like a part was like prior like this one girl like Lois Lane like he pushed over the edge or something like that and then he jumped over the edge and then he went and got her got her but then he's like they didn't explain like he was uh

clark kent or what's his name character clark kent right uh he was clark clint when he jumped off when like he supposedly like changed his clothes while he was falling and then put his clothes somewhere and then like grabbed her it was like so many dumb things like that well superman is supposed to be able to move faster than the speed of light so he could do that i know but it was really horribly done well i'm sure green screen flying over yeah and you're just sitting there like i that's so fake i'm i'm out of this movie because you're you guys are obviously not flying right now it was that bad so anyways you see a 13 year old kid watch that movie he's never going to get into that yeah well one thing

the kids get today though that they never got before is you get a history of cinema in a full form. They get to see a vast difference between King Kong from the 1930s and a movie of today. I mean, it's amazing. If you're a kid today and you watch old movies, it's got to be a real mindfuck. How stupid were people that they thought that was cool? We've seen it a little bit because I remember when I was a kid um growing up i was really into special effects from uh monster movies and harry hausen i think that's guys harry was that his name whatever the guy's name was that was the uh animation dude who did like uh king kong and uh rick baker and he did all the

shit for um he did american werewolf in london and like really cool like you know special effects type shit and i remember thinking like it's amazing like from the 1930s to the 1980s like look at how much better they've gotten you know through the 1970s i remember thinking that like wow they were terrible back in those king kong days but you look at it now and through our lifetimes things have reached critical mass they've gotten really crazy to be at the point where you're seeing artificial like everything like you're seeing artificial everything. You're seeing asteroid impacts, alien invasions, all these different things in movies that look incredibly realistic. I mean, incredibly realistic, undiscernible.

You don't know what's fake and what's real. I watched Aliens the other night. It doesn't hold up. No? No, no. It's a good movie. the other night. It doesn't hold up.

No? No, no. It's a good movie. The suspense still holds up, but there's a scene where the fucking spaceship is flying through the clouds, and it looks so bad, it looks like a

Saturday Night Live episode. It looks like Toontz's the cat is driving the spaceship. I miss Toontz's. It didn't even look remotely real. I was like,

this is so fucking, it so takes me out of this movie. Like, it's so clunky. You know, the other night i i went to do comedy and i got home and as i walk in the fucking door i sit down to see who's on letterman who's on let's first thing i do and something i scrolled on hbo and it's mr majestic that's when they break mr that's when they break charles bronson's watermelons so i have a friendmelons. So I have a friend that's a big Charles Bronson fan. I call him. I go, bro, it's 1230 here in California.

I was going to go to bed, but I guess not. Mr. Majestic's on. He's asleep. He goes, dog, what the fuck? He goes, that's my favorite. Charles Bronson's going to be killing white people. I call him in the morning. He just hangs up on me.

I timed it. He started beating up white people. And I'll call me in the morning. He just hangs up on me. I timed it. He started beating up white people at the 16-minute mark. He's classic. The first thing he did is he hit some dude in the dick with a shotgun, hit his buddy, and then the guy was playing music on a speaker, and he shot the fucking speaker to get the Mexicans off the thing. I fell asleep. It was too fucking slow.

Again, that was one of those movies that was great in 1980. You had to it but you watch it now and it's funny because when i first moved to colorado and aspen they only have kspn 12 one station and it was just getting started they played that movie three times a week it was a six o'clock movie so i watched it i was broke because i would watch every night so i know that movie front and back. It's just, you're right. Just hard times alone. Hard times, Death Wish. The Mechanic. The Mechanic. There was a couple movies he made, you know, that story I heard about when they did The Magnificent Seven

and they all got together and they said listen, dog, we can't let this fucking Yul Brynner steal our fucking heat. We're Americans. This guy's the fucking movie did he make, The King and I? Yeah. And they were like, are you kidding me? Where's Yul Brynner from? Yul Brynner's like from some other country. Is he? So this was an American movie

and there was, you know, Steve McQueen, James Colbert, Charles Bronson and they're like, let's torture this motherfucker. So they would torture him, you know? They would fucking abuse him, call him up from the Formosa and try to wake him up in the middle of the night. We're coming to get you and hang up on him and shit. Really? Yeah, man.

They got together. They're like, dog, there's no way this motherfucker's going to come over here and steal this movie from us. So they were fucking with him? Really? Where'd you read this? I heard it. I heard them talking about it on TV. They were telling a biography one time.

Wow. You know, George C. Scott insinuated it. George C. Scott went over there. He's like, dog, you guys going to let some foreigner steal your movie? Fuck this motherfucker. George C. Scott did that? George C. Scott, you and he's like, bro, you guys gonna let some foreigners steal your movie? Fuck this motherfucker. George C. Scott did that? He was the fucking, he was the lit. He was in The Hustler, right?

Wasn't George C. Scott in The Hustler? No. He's in the one about cards. With Steve McQueen, the Cincinnati kid. Look up The Hustler. I think he is. Yeah, he always played in those heavy movies. Yeah, he was, man. No, he was always a heavy in those fucking movies. I'm pretty sure. Yes. He was always a heavy in those fucking movies Jackie Leeson because he was in he was a friend of mine's like brother-in-law or

something like that have you seen the trailer for the new Superman movie called Man of Steel come there's a new Superman movie that comes out in 2013 come on Russell what's his name Russell Crowe the guy that was in gladiator plays Superman's dad and it's come on you can't beat fucking Marlon Brando a super bad yeah yeah that's the one that's the good part and I tell you what was really good the Superman J what's his name Gene Hackman Gene Hackman was good yeah thank god superman yeah he played burt gordon george c scott played burt gordon of course he did he played a heavy you owe me money yeah he's always a fucking heavy yeah he was great in that movie that's another movie the hustler 19

what is it i think it was 63 or some shit like that you know it's another movie that was uh it's it's a it's like you gotta like really have an attention span to watch that movie it's a different sort of thing there was a lot of subtlety back then like a guy would like walk in and like look at the clock and then look at a guy who worked there and the guy worked there would go over and change the clock they wouldn't say a word the guy would look at him Jackie Gleason looks at his watch looks at him and the guy just changes the clock you know I mean it's like there was like subtlety to movies back then well they gave you imagination yeah a director in the 60s 70s in the beginning of

the 80s he gave you uh he let your mind run away with it you know and i always say that seeing the godfather marlon brando goes down the director would have showed him this director pulled it back and let the wind blow and he he showed the fucking things from the fruit. Yeah. The shaking. They didn't show Marlon Brando. The beauty of it is he didn't shoot Marlon Brando straight. He shot it this way.

So Marlon Brando was dead somewhere in that corner. That's your imagination. Yeah. You're already judging. Like, where is he? He just died of a heart attack. Where is he? You're trying to look.

He didn't give it to you. That was artistic. That was artistic. It was a different, you know, that guy's a great fucking director. And today we have a few couple directors, but not that show you that was artistic that was artistic it was a different you know that guy's a great director and today we have a few couple directors but not that show you that imagination bro when you leave there what you had a little bit well i think what's going on now too is that there's so much money involved in making a movie and there's so many different people involved in like their opinions and they you know when you get a 100 million dollar investment in some crazy ass movie unless you're james cameron where you could just run the show you know like a guy like everybody goes Oh, James Cameron. He's fucking tells everybody what to do. He's an asshole. That's what he has to do

This is the only one way to make a Titanic you have to have one guy who's powerful as fuck with a crazy vision Otherwise you're gonna butcher it. You know you're not gonna make an avatar You gotta have one guy who puts this whole fucking wacky thing together. I think the expendables is art No, it's a marketing boy well it's eight fucking guys who all took a pay cut they're gonna make 200 fucking million and they're gonna get a back end they all fart a lot you say that but it is our children's roadhouse that's what it is with this stupid ass movie is gonna be all these movies that are like really fun and ridiculous even though they're pointless they're gonna be the little funny shit that our kids laugh at like how stupid is this it's like have you ever watched missing in action i'll praise be to chuck norris you ever watched missing in action so there's a goddamn horrible movies but they're awesome they're awesome in their horribleness bro

charles let me tell you something and all respect the fucking homie made some good movies what chuck norris chuck mark norris made some very good. What was that one cop movie that he made that was super legit? Oh, in Chicago. Yes. Hold on a second. I'm going to pull that up. Yes, with that other dude.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. When he, 83, Code of Silence. Code of Silence. That is a legit movie. And he was a bad motherfucker in that movie. I'll put his performance in that movie up with anybody.

Up with anybody. What's the one? He played a legit guy. Yeah, but he had two martial arts before that. And he barely even used much karate in that movie. No. He had to kick a couple dudes' asses, but that was a real movie. In the pool hall.

He's the first guy ever, before Steven Seagal in that movie, that he put the cool ball in the thing and started hitting people with it. Really? Steven Seagal stole it and out for justice. Where's Bobby Lupo later on? But double check. But please tell me the name of Chuck Norris' earlier movies. This is Code of Silence was in 85.

85. That was a good movie. What's before Code of Silence, baby? Invasion USA. No, that's garbage. Delta Force. That's garbage. Oh, actually, those are after it.

Before that. I'm sorry. Oh, Lone Wolf McQuaid. Yes. And what's and what's before but Lone Wolf McQueen was still a karate movie because that was David Carradine and Chuck Norris would go at it at the end and the big fucking ultimate finale karate scene that you knew Chuck Norris is gonna win Cuz it's his movie Now there was no drama in that victory. Oh, there's a bunch man I was forced vengeance silent rage and Eye for an Eye, The Octagon. That's a good one.

He had The Octagon before the UFC. The Octagon. What about before? That's 1980. A Force of One. That was a good one, too. That was a good one. And what's the other one?

Good Guys Wear Black. That's a good one. That's a good one. I'm telling you. That was a good one, man. Chuck fucked some people up in the beginning. Yeah. And then way back, the first movie he ever had was 68 the green berets and the

wrecking crew he was like a party guest he was like had a tiny ass role and then in 72 he was in the way of the dragon bitches and that's uh that was it that launched him in the beginning bro he had he had more longevity because seagal you tapped out on seagal after the brooklyn movie once somebody shot bobby loopy like i'm not putting up with this fuck it's good guys wear He had more longevity. Because Seagal, you tap out on Seagal after the Brooklyn movie. Once somebody shot Bobby Luper, you're like, I'm not putting up with this fucking guy. It's good guys wear black that really launched him. Yeah, good guys wear black is a really good fucker. You look at his career, there's like a couple years where he didn't do any movies. He had 72, 73, 74, and then 75, 76, and then 70.

So between 75 and 77, he didn't work. And then he did Breaker Breaker. That's when he sold and then he did break a breaker. That's what I want to say That's funny. No, no, no, that's when he sold tanks who doh. When was he fighting? But we're 72 really yeah, look it up Let me tell you something about Chuck Norris, you know people joke about Chuck Norris Chuck Norris back in his day was a Bad motherfucker body and fucking wear the dragon. Yeah, he was a legit bad motherfucker. Look at his body and fucking wear the dragon. He was a legit bad motherfucker back then. I mean, the level of martial arts back then, there was a few guys that were representing the top level of martial arts.

He was one of them. Benny Urquidez, he was one of them. There was a few of those guys back then. And Chuck Norris is legit as they come. Every time I see Benny, I get happy. He's a great guy. Every time I see Benny, I get happy. I got to great guy. Every time I see Benny, I get happy. I got to tell you that.

Have you met Gene LaBelle yet? No, but his gym is right down the corner from me. He's a great guy, too. Is he at the gym every day? Don't let him get you in a headlock. No. Is he at the gym every day? I don't know.

I don't know his schedule. By the way, I stopped by Eddie's school last night, and I got to tell you something. Ronda Rousey's very fucking strong. Oh, she's a beast, man. She's very fucking strong. She's a tapa a beast, man. She's very fucking strong. She's a tapper, dude. I was watching her last night.

First of all, he was teaching some high-level shit last night. He was on a roll last night. I went yesterday to daytime and last night. Yeah? He's been on a roll lately. He's been on a roll. But last night, he was teaching some high-level shit to her. And when she packs that foot over, damn.

Oh, she has powerful legs, man. She's a powerful lady. I love her. She has a great armbar, too. Her armb has powerful legs, man. She's a powerful lady. I love her. She has a great arm bar, too. Her arm bars are nasty, man. She's a strong woman, guys. She gets a hold of your arm. She doesn't just know how to get an arm bar.

She knows how to correct as you're correcting. So she knows to anticipate. Like here, for instance, this is a way to get a person an arm bar. You've got to extend their arm like that. So if you think that someone's going to try to arm bar you the first thing you do is turn your hand this way and the reason why you turn your hand this way is because then you straighten it out you force it like to do what they want they want to straighten your arm out so you turn it like that and then go

like this so that one way when they pull on the arm it's going to go with the joint it's going to bend and then that's their job to try to turn it back around. She's a master at adjusting that arm bar. Like making sure that once she locks a hold of that arm, she rolls with them. She flips them. Like if you watch her fight with Misha Tate, or if you watch a lot of her victories, one of the girls, she dislocated her arm and the girl said she didn't tap and her arm was jacked. She jacks everybody's arms. And she's just a master at adjusting.

As soon as she locks that thing up, first of all, the speed that she locks it up is nasty as fuck. Her technique is pinpoint. Everything's perfect. And she's a master at adjusting. So once she grabs a hold of that arm, you start flopping around. But she knows where you're going to go. You know why? Because she puts arm bars on people every fucking day of the week.

So she knows exactly what to do. There's certain positions that when you get used to, you know how a guy can get out of them. You of the week. So she knows exactly what to do. There's certain positions that when you get used to, you know how a guy can get out of them. You know the defense. Like if you first learn a rear naked choke and you've never choked a guy before, you know, a guy gets a hand on the chin and he turns, and next thing you know, he's out

and you don't even know what happened. But if you get good at it, you know what a guy can do to get out. And so you stop all that shit from happening. You anticipate it. You anticipate it. And the more you roll, the more mat time you get, the more reps you get, the more time you spend actually choking people, the better you stop all that shit from happening you anticipate it and the more you roll the more mat time you get the more reps you get the more time you spend actually choking people the better

you get at that there's just no way around it well ronda has got to that point that master point you know there's a point that someone gets to with certain moves like with cody mckenzie is that crazy guillotine he gets people in with ronda it's that nutty arm bar man and she's got a lot of other techniques and her defense is good, too, because Misha Tate is also a bad motherfucker. And Misha Tate got her back, and she got out of that. It shows you that her defense is good as well. Who's Misha Tate fighting next?

I think she's... Rhonda's fighting Sarah Kaufman. I love Misha Tate, man. I follow her on Twitter. I love women's fighting, man. I didn't used to love women's fighting. No, no, no. Now it's to a different level. Yeah, yeah, man. I follow on Twitter. I love women's fighting, man. I didn't used to love women's fighting. No, no, no. Now it's to a different level.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's see. What does her shit say? Next opponent. Hold on. I saw a great movie to watch last night while smoking shitloads of weed. It's the most trippiest fucked up movie I've ever seen. It's called Funky Forest.

Okay, hold on a second because I want to answer that question. Her name was Julie Kedzie. That's who she's fighting. Misha Tate's fighting Julie Kedzie, and it's in Funky Forest. Okay, hold on a second because I want to answer that question. Her name is Julie Kedzie. That's who she's fighting. Misha Tate's fighting Julie Kedzie and it's in a strike force and it's in August. They're fighting August 18th. Her boyfriend just fought in the UFC and won. Right.

Brian Carraway. I'm sorry. She's fighting also Ronda. Yeah, Ronda Rouse is fighting Sarah Kaufman. That same night. Is it the same night? Yeah, can you please check? I think it's August something.

I don't think so. I think Ronda's fighting another time. So there's two different strike forces? Yeah, I think so. I'm not sure. I feel like Ronda's fight is the next month, I believe. Let me check, though. Ronda Rouse. so what happened ryan

you got high uh there's a movie called funky forest the first contact and it's a hilarious movie and so it's crazy no it's just a great movie to watch when you're super stoned around mushrooms it's if you go on google or on youtube you could can watch clips of it. And if I showed you it, you would fucking freak the fuck out. Oh, okay. It is August 18th. It's the same card. Yeah, it's the same card. Okay.

I knew she was fighting soon. That's crazy. That means there's going to be two big women's fights on one card. I thought they would space it out. Space it out. That's awesome. Well, you know what, man? The reality is Ronda is such a badass that there's been a lot of attention on the women's

mma movement now there where there wasn't just a year or two ago when gina carano stopped fighting when she stepped out and ronda the other thing is ronda is like stepped up the cyborg like a bunch of times if you've never seen who if you don't know what the fuck we're talking about there's a woman named cyborg if you were a chick and you were fighting what would be your biggest nightmare so your biggest night would be a woman who's not attractive, who looks like a man, is built like a man, and she knows how to fuck people up. And I ain't saying that. Yeah. I don't want to go to war with cyborgs.

And that's almost exactly what cyborg is. And she tested positive for testosterone and male hormones or whatever she had taken, whatever banned substance that she had taken. I think it was Anivar, but I don't remember. But whatever it was, it's some sort of a steroid, which is what everybody had accused her of everywhere. Anyway, so Ronda Rousey sent her, you have a dick, you dick. She sent a picture of Gina Carano, Cyborg did,

because Ronda Rousey said that she was a cheater. So she sent a picture of Gina Carano with her face busted up after Cyborg beat her up. And she said, you have a dick, you dick. Which is pretty fucking funny. And it was just, if you really think about it, if she really was cheating, and that's what she did once she was cheating.

If she really was, I mean, there's really not that many, we talked about it on the podcast, we even had a doctor, we had Dr. Steve call up and explain it to us. Is it possible to look like that without some sort of enhancement? He doesn't believe it is. He doesn't think it's physiologically possible for a woman to be

built like that unless somewhere along the line she's been taking some shit. Like, if you look at those really fit, crossfit girls, those really in-shape women, they look fucking tremendous. But they look like women. You know, they have good arms and they have, you know, they're thick and they have look like women you know they have good arms and they have you know they're thick and they have like big legs and everything like that but they

have a much more feminine look to their musculature you know there's a certain level that uh that some women have gotten and you know cyborg's one of them what's the joke you used to do about the fucking uh the the noah's ark was a retarded boy oh. A retarded boy could look at a woman on steroids and tell you something ain't right there. You could see it. As soon as you see the neck and the fucking jawline and the... Her upper body was... She had traps. She had traps, guys.

I understand when a woman burns fat, her titties get smaller. But it's harder for a woman to have a muscle definition because they have an extra layer of fat and all that Stuff, but you could see I'm no inquirer knowledge just and I could tell that bitch did something Yeah, she did a lot more to see a what is it a GNC shake and a fucking weed a pill You know I'm saying she did something

Well, she could have took in this shit that used to be legal at GNC like she could have got on some mag 10 or Something like that was that stuff strong oh yeah it was ridiculous GNC they banned it they used to have it I took it it's called mag 10 I took it you took it yeah did it work in Ohio did it work like it if you were lifting weights you would notice if you like did it and took and lifted weights I think I gained a lot of weight on that shit for other reasons what other reasons would you have I don't remember but maybe I did take other reasons would he have? I don't remember, but maybe I did take it when I was working out.

I don't remember. He just wanted to be yoked. No, he wouldn't really do anything. It pissed me off. Yeah, they got rid of it because it was like a steroid.

It's like taking a steroid. And I'm not saying you could get big without juicing, but she was at the point where you knew something was going on. Her face started looking like very masculine too.

And what's really crazy is there's a video of her from her first fight ever. If you go back to her first fight ever, she looked like a woman. She was built very differently. If you look at it, she's still badass. She's still going to war with some chicks. She's throwing down.

She's a shoot box fighter. But she looks like a woman. Her body looks like a woman. It's kind of shocking, the difference. Because she looks... She's scary now. She looks like she would fuck you up, man. When does she come back? I don't know. She might not ever come back.

Who knows? I don't know. Yeah, she'll come back. She's got to go after Ronda Rousey. Yeah, but I mean, they have to... Once she comes back, then she has to have a hearing to try to get her license back. It's not as simple as you come back. Once you come back, you do the... Once you do the suspension, you're good. I don't know if that's necessarily the truth.

I'm not sure. Do you have to still subpoena the NACA? Well, I think you have to get licensed because I think that, like Chael Sonnen, when they had to fight Anderson Silva, he had to get licensed in Nevada, and that was part of the thing. It wasn't just that Chael Sonnen had been banned for X amount of months. He also had to get licensed. So I don't know the whole process. I think there's a difference between a woman doing performance enhancing drugs and a man doing them, in my opinion. When a woman starts introducing things that just don't exist in that level ever in her body, it's a different thing to that than a guy taking testosterone replacement therapy to try to be like a young

man again it's really kind of tricky it's uh it's it's it's almost like you're uh if you can't go down that slippery path because they're like we talked about like the weight cutting thing if everybody has to weight cut man man that kind of fucks things up it would be better if everybody didn't have to weight cut it'd be nice if that was the reality well if women start taking male hormones that is a mess that ruins the whole idea of the woman's sport you know if you if you have women taking male hormones there's that's not women fighting anymore that's a hybrid that's a woman man hybrid a woman with male hormones like you're fucking the whole tree of life up there like you know this isn't just you trying to reclaim lost youth you're creating a a thing that's not quite a woman anymore that's what that is you're you're

adding some shit to a woman that doesn't belong there and uh i think that has to be taken very seriously that's horrible those women been doing oh it's so sad it's so sad and that's what they have to do right because that's what that sport demands because the look it's all about body dysmorphia at that point when you're involved in bodybuilding it's just like when you see a woman you know and uh no disrespect to anybody who has this you know your tits are too big and you're crazy you know like you you just get like a thousand ccs and they're like i want to get another 200 like what are you doing stop it like have you ever seen those videos on these people that can't stop getting bigger and bigger tin implants? They're crazy. That's how bodybuilders are. And they get this body dysmorphia and they just, it's not about looking good. Like,

if you go back to like the Frank Zane days, you know, you go back to like before steroids, you know, that guy was in tremendous shape and he was proportioned and it was all about making your body, working hard to get your body in proportion. Then it became about steroids, and then the Arnold Schwarzenegger era, and then forward into the Lee Haney era. It became about these cartoonish, monstrous human beings. It became straight Tom Platz. It became straight body dysmorphia.

As soon as they figured out how to add drugs into the equation, everything got completely wacky. And women started getting wacky, too. Which one was Frank Zane? There's a woman who lives down the street from me, and I won't say her name, but she was a very successful female bodybuilder back in the day. And now she looks like she's paid a price for it, man. It's sad when you see her. She has a lot of masculine characteristics that she shouldn't have.

She looks like she fucking hijacked her system. She just morphed herself. She morphed herself and turned herself into a man, basically. It's fucking crazy, man. It's crazy. She wears makeup, she tries to be woman-y, but you know what she used to look like and what she did

to herself. She turned herself into some sort of masculine creation. And even when they get off this stuff, they still maintain some masculine features. It's really strange. Their body grows. Everything gets big. It's a very unfortunate thing that someone decided that that looks good for women.

They take in some crazy shit that makes you closer to a man. Because a fit woman, it's beautiful to look at a fit woman and to not accept that a fit woman is going to look different than a fit man it's craziness a fit woman a woman who's in great shape who works out like i said those crossfit girls that's sexy as fuck man those girls have incredible bodies but they look like a girl they look like a woman who's in great shape. You go to NoHo, CC, the chicken there goes to cross-train. My God. My fucking God.

She's got a body that don't fucking... Well, Ronda Rousey doesn't like the fact that her arms are real big. Like when she came on the podcast, like, oh, everyone's going to see I'm all yoked. You know, like I don't want to cover my sleeve. And we were like, what are you talking about? Her body's sensational. Sensational. It oh but great girl but she's but she is so strong that to like a guy who doesn't exercise or die who doesn't work out like Brian she's very intimidating she would him she wouldn't ever let him be on top like how are you gonna get on top with Ronda Rousey you're not okay well she's gonna she's gonna fuck you she'll fuck you first she weighs 145 well 135 now i got the best defense for her i bet you

she's ticklish i'll find the ticklish spot no and no matter what she was still just stop talking she'll break you great legs do whatever you want to you so if you take the eyes last night i was like god yeah yeah she's got incredible body sexy thighs but that's a woman's body you know what i'm saying there's no doubt about it that's a woman's body. You know what I'm saying? Yes, no. There's no doubt about it. That's a woman's body. There's nothing creepy about that. The only time it gets creepy is when you do creepy shit. When you do creepy shit, that's when your body starts looking creepy.

There's just no way around that, man. You can't take male hormones and then be still like a sexy woman. That's just weird. But the dudes in that bodybuilding world that like those type of chicks, they get into that, man. They like it. She's a freak. My girl's a freak. You've got to see her quads. Honey, show me your quads. And they have this fucking spray tan leg that's like black as coal and they'll flex their dirty painted toes. And you'll see some striations in that thigh. They're like, what are you doing? Why is that there? Why do you have this?

Why is there no fat on your leg? Why can't I see all the fucking ligaments and the muscle fibers under there? Remember the fucking monkey shrinks? Like, I've always looked at them. That little pussy gets all tiny, and the asshole gets flat. Yeah, the chest.

Pulls in. You go to suck a tit, and it's hard. Right away, you got to be fucking tripping. Because when they start juicing, they get the same thing in here as guys get from doing like close grip bench presses and all that. This starts to get little fucking things inside their chest. That's disgusting. And all of a sudden, they have little titties. I looked at them like I've been to one of those contests years ago.

My buddy competed, so I went. And I was watching these chicks going, look at those, you know, bodies but at least even could you save the monkey could you save the monkey because all that well they grow clits bro monkey shrinks up the clits everything shrinks the click grows joey have you ever seen oh it grows like a dick oh dude it grows like a dick no no listen i pull the fucking chick's pants off and she got one of those tight little hammers. I'm fucking out of that. I'm telling you, it grows like a dick. Yeah, I've seen it online.

I've never seen it in real life. No, you've never seen it. No, no, in real life, I've never had... I dated this one girl who was a bodybuilder when I was like 20, and she was from New Hampshire. This bitch was loped out. I was 21 because I was doing comedy.

She was the first girl first girl that ever about that but i've never seen i died bro this girl wasn't like that she was natural there was this is you know 1988 whatever it was i don't think too many chicks were doing it that way but uh she was uh she was just so fucking down this girl was crazy we had sex she was on her period and she sucked the blood off my dick that's how crazy this bitch was good girl i was like yeah but you're on your period she just looked at me and started sucking it i was like whoa god damn that's a that's a rare girl you know in my fucking faint that's a rare girl did she like lick the clots and everything off your dick like the big

black blood clots there was no black blood clots. There was no black blood clots, fortunately. It was just a lot of red, but she didn't give a fuck, dude. She just started sucking it. She was down. When you fuck a girl in the muffler, you put it in her fucking mouth. Who first invented that? You're like, am I happy she's my girlfriend or am I sad? Like, am I sad by just stuffing up her fucking ass?

Whatever's good, you should be happy. Did you want to do that? Did it feel good? Did she get off on it? Then you should both be happy. It's disgusting. ass. Whatever's good, you should be happy. Did you want to do that? Did it feel good? Did she get off on it? Then you should both be happy. It's disgusting. Only if she's clean, it's not that disgusting. She's got to wash it all out, though.

She's got to go to work. I've heard stories of people fucking kicking me ass and have shit on their dicks and shit. That's never happened to me because I fucking faint. I wake up and beat the girl mercifully for having a dirty ass. It's scaring me like that. I would fucking like the time in Seattle when I put the bottle in the girl's pussy.

You put a bottle in a girl's pussy? What? I was at the same chick I found the aluminum foil in her asshole. That same chick. We were in Seattle, and I was drinking Gallo Brothers wine cooler, and I started rubbing the bottle around her little monkey. She was a stripper. And then I pulled the little thing, and I started working the bottle around a little monkey she was a stripper and then I pulled a little thing and I started working the

fucking bottle inside a little monkey I started you know how dangerous that is that's how fatty Arbuckle killed a girl fucking story fatty Arbuckle fucking working this bottle is a little monkey right and I'm down there about to lick the fucking click and next you know here the suction of the bottle had sucked the period out of her. Oh. This brown vampire blood from Blade shot into this. It was a little darker. It was just disgusting.

Bro, I fainted. Because in my mind, I cut her with the bottle. Oh, no. I'm like, I cut this bitch. So you fainted for real? I went down. She had a woke room. She was jiggling.

Oh, my God. She's a nasty fucking animal. She didn't give a fuck. I mean, about a month earlier, I pulled the fucking little aluminum foil out of her ass. That was the same girl? Same chick in Seattle, bro. That was a year and a half of fucking great freaky stories. How many things can you stick in a girl?

Bro, you know, she was a fucking savage. You only live once. If you're dating a savage and you're not in love with her her you try to do shit to her until she breaks up with you it is amazing how much people vary and like that girl that would suck the blood off your dick that's so variable you know like the real freakiness like when you meet someone what they're down for what they're not you know like yeah you ever date a girl you just you just start dating and she jerks you off on her tongue while she's looking you in the eye and you're like whoa what we just started hanging out and she jerks you off on her tongue while she's looking you in the eye, and you're like, whoa, what? We just started hanging out, and you're opening with this?

Like, God damn, where the fuck is this going? You turned me on to something that I almost called you at 4 in the morning, called you a cocksucker 20 times, because it was one of the most devastating things I've seen in my life, and I'm not being funny right now. What? And how you sick motherfuckers watch that shit is beyond me. I finally watched that Sasha Gray video that you referred to me when the 20 guys are fucking

up, and she's got a dick in her ass and her mouth. But the funny thing about the video is there's extras in the video, and they're just standing around jerking off with their dicks. Waiting. And I'm sitting there going, Joe Rogan is a fucking lunatic for making me watch this shit. Sasha Gray looks like they beat her. Uh-huh. Like, she sucked and fucked 20 guys.

Like, she's sweating. That's all sweat. Like, it looks like she was in a workout. They were punching her. She's a fascinating chick because she's very smart. Have you met her? No. No, it's interesting, though.

I've heard her be interviewed. I've read some of her interviews. She's definitely very smart. But so is Dana DeArmond, you know? She's smart, too some of her interviews. She's definitely very smart. So is Dana DeArmond. She's smart too. She's weird. She's day two? No, Dana DeArmond, the girl that's done our podcast before.

She's done a lot of crazy shit too. She's a nice girl. That was on the other night. The other night, yeah. She was saying she puts things in her ass and everything. Oh, she's crazy. I retweeted one of her lines one time. It said, someone asked me, what is the craziest thing that's ever been in my ass?

Answer, cat toys. That bitch had cat toys in her ass. She asked me more cat toys. She's crazy. She's crazy. But she's fun. Look, all I give a fuck. All I give a fuck.

Are you nice? When I meet you, are you a nice person? Are you nice? Can we get along? And I meet her. She's always friendly. You know, I'm a judge. She's nice.

She's friendly. She's nice to be around. I bet she's very nice. But Iasha gray to be around i bet she's very nice but i'm gonna be worried about it yeah well i would be worried i'm always worried psychologically when i see someone do one of those crazy movies where you know there's 15 twos you're jerking off in your eyeballs you know it's like what is that like dog she had it and i was and i was really disturbed like i'm like this is crazy that people tell me i'm dirty on stage. You got to see this shit. And people watch.

There's a market for that. I didn't invent that. People pulling their hair and they're fucking pissing on her. And they're putting shit in her mouth. I almost cried. I almost started fucking crying. I felt that fucking emotion. Wait until you have a daughter.

And then you watch it. Yeah. I watched that stuff. Why would you watch that with your daughter? No, I'm then you watch it. Yeah. I watched that stuff. Why would you watch that with your daughter? No, I'm not saying watch it with your daughter, dummy. I'm saying think about the fact that you have a daughter and that your daughter could grow up to be that girl. By the way, I was going to tell you. But here's the other problem.

She likes it. She says she likes it. I don't want it. I don't want it. But if you had to tell me, hey, somebody offered Sam Tripoli a movie and he's going to do it and he gets to fuck 15 hot girls. Sam Tripoli would do that. Is it bad for Sam Tripoli if he's lying there and 15 girls are shoving their pussy in his face? Is that bad?

No, it's not bad. So why is it bad that she fucks 20 dudes? Well, it's only bad, really, because in our mind it's bad that you shouldn't like that. But she says she likes it. How much would they pay, like, Sasha Gray? Any idea? A hundred grand? I wouldn't take less than a fucking... Brian would know more than anybody.

He's friends with all those chicks. Nowadays, they're not... I don't know. Nowadays, they're not getting paid that much. They're not getting that much money like Sasha Gray for fucking 16 guys. No, I know a girl that just did her first... She probably got 50 or 60 bucks for that. I know a girl who just did her first anal. Her first anal. I know a girl that just did her first... I know a girl that just did her first anal.

Her first anal. I know this girl, and she's like a pretty new up-and-comer, but you'd think... She would get a lot of money for her first time, but it was like $1,000. How funny is that, up-and-comer? She's an up-and-comer, yeah.

She's got to scale the great heights. Oh, it's come with you, though. Yeah, but I'm saying, the idea of where are you going to go a thousand bucks to get fucked in the ass that's what i'm saying but but if this was like if this is like that's not a whole lot of years ago thousand people see it yeah oh a lot more than a thousand seconds what if it's good bucks thousand dollars bonuses no no bonuses white making porn you pay for your hair and makeup you pay for your fake tan you pay really youns. You pay for your hair and makeup. You pay for your fake tan.

Really? Yeah. You pay for your AIDS test. Butthole cleaning. You got to douche yourself, too. Yeah. What is it called? $1,000 to get fucked in the ass.

Yeah, you got to take an enema, too. You got to clean out your butthole. What I don't get is how guys are still guy porn stars. Because you know that that has to be like guys are still guy porn stars. Because you know that that has to be like zero money, guy porn stars. They must be paying them a couple hundred bucks at least. For a lot of guys, man, I know dudes who've done porn, and it was like, I didn't want to work at fucking McDonald's,

so I could do this and I could make 500 bucks. There's some desperate people out there, and they fucked some girls on film. Like Tyler, our friend Tyler night that we had on the show Fucking great guy normal regular dude, and he's out of the business I think he's writing books writing books, and he's got an actual real job job. He's like a corporate But he's a poor oh yeah, yeah, he probably has to hide it make money. I mean do you make money um you know? I think you make enough to pay your bills You know you can get by if you live caut cautiously and you do a lot of fucking.

I don't think you're getting rich. Listen, I don't. Unless you're like a famous guy. Listen, you call me. You go, Joe, are you busy this afternoon? No, not really. What's up? Listen, I want you to come on.

I want you to fuck this chick and cum on her face. I'll give you 500 bucks. I'm there. That's not bad. I'm going to fucking cum on somebody's face. But to get fucked in the ass for $1,000, that's just wrong. I would want at least 10 Gs, 15 Gs. Well, the whole world changed.

The whole world of porn completely changed. When? When they stopped selling DVDs. DVD sales disappeared when the internet came along. They just disappeared. They dried up completely. Remember when Lars Erwick was saying the sky is falling because they had figured out a way to download things off the internet that was back when people weren't even that good at it

napster file sharing and shit like that now it's just the the fucking game is over the game's over so there's no more money in porn dvds anymore it's probably i bet it i wouldn't i wouldn't be surprised if it diminished by 95%. So people rent those? They used to, but now nobody rents them. Now they can sell them, I guess, to DirecTV and like cable where you can buy videos to go. Because if you flip through those late night channels, it's like $10 a movie or something like that, or $9 a movie. And they're always there.

They always have videos. So someone's buying content. So I'm guessing they're selling something to someone somewhere but it's nothing like the roaring 20s of porn that they had that they experienced out here for a couple decades for a couple decades it was like even though it was not respectable there was people that had these giant ass fucking houses and drove ferraris and the neighbors would be like well who's that guy oh he? Oh, he's in porn. He's in porn. But it was like he was so rich, he didn't care that the scumbag was living next door to you. But this guy was like a porn guy and he would drive around in a Ferrari and he was making millions and they would laugh at all these people that weren't in the porn business.

Listen, we make it, you buy it, okay? I sell it, you pretend you don't buy it, but you do buy it. And that's why my house is so big, baby. Well, that guy doesn't exist anymore. That guy doesn't exist. Now it's like these hustler dudes who are, like, sticking a camera in a girl's asshole and, you know, and filming these audition tapes where girls meet them in conference rooms and they fuck them on a couch and come in their face and make them sign a waiver. And it's all, like, you know, like Gonzo style. Like, that's, like, what's big in porn now. And it's like the the the movies that they used to try to make you know

they used to try to make like porn movie like the devil and mrs jones was a porn movie you know behind the green door with marilyn chambers that was a porn movie deep throat was a porn movie the deep throat was a porn movie people went to see it there's a video, a photo rather of Johnny Carson waiting in line to go see Deep Throat Deep Throat was a pornographic movie the chick was sucking dicks but it still was a movie

and it was an artistic movie that shit doesn't exist anymore that was back then if you made porn you had the only copy of it for someone to get it they have to get it from you when you made deep throat there's only one way to get deep throat you got to get it from the guy who made it is he going to make more copies of it how do i get it didn't even there wasn't even vhs tapes then you couldn't even see

something again whenever you wanted to that's why when i saw star wars when i was a little kid that was the thing was you'd go see star wars like 10 times i saw star wars i think it was like 10 or 13 times or something crazy like that. But that's what everybody did. You know why? Because you couldn't get a DVD. There was no DVDs. There was no VHS.

What's the movie? It was gone. It was gone. It was over. Yeah. It was over. Now we're in the exact opposite. Now I'm sitting here talking to you, and all I have to do is go, oh, yeah?

Well, let me go to iTunes real quick. What? The Godfather? Order. And I'm getting it. And then while you're talking, I press play, and I'm watching The Godfather. That quickly. I mean, it's ridiculous, the saturation. What year did you go to New York?

I started comedy in 88, and I met Sussman. I think it was 90 I met Sussman, 89 or 90. Was the porn thing still big in New York? 42nd Street? Yeah. Was it still as disgusting as... Yeah, it was scary. It was a dangerous world back then. It was a different world. The 80s, 42nd Street was dirty, man. It was like, you didn't go down there. It was like, there was like porn theaters and it was it was hustlers and hookers

and fucking amazing yeah and they had those weird uh signs and the signs would like say like what dirty movies playing it would be right there as you're driving by there was a lot of them peep shows and you know and uh my friend johnny used to go to peep shows when he was on crack he said that smoking crack he goes you could never get a you could never get a hot on but you were always horny so i'd go and he's fucking dirty bitches they'd be right behind a glass and i'd pay them and they'd be they'd be right in front of me with a dirty ass and i'd be jerking off and i couldn't get a hot on but he goes but i'd be there all day when i was smoking crack when he somehow or another like the people that are smoking crack like they get on those heavy amphetamines smoking those things they want to um they want to watch a lot of porn

It's like a big thing from like math people like a lot of math people like to watch porn I guess it's just they just want to go super dirty when I just dirty up you want to get your dick sucked Yeah, you know like I never would like porn But when I live in Aspen and Boulder and I would pick up chicks like they were like porn and I'd say get it You know I'm not gonna watch I'm just gonna snore coke and fucking get my dick sucked When you get when you get cocaine evil cocaine evil is horrible Because that's how you get your hips move in the chair Like as she's talking to you talking about sucking your dick Joe Rogan your hips start to move the way I like my things

Will be gyrate and you're just looking at a porno. You know, I've seen girls gyrate in their chairs while they're coked up. Wow. Like, gyrate. Like, fucking like a savage. Like, just get all fucking... I like all that shit as far as... Let me tell you something. I would make a chick... If the chick did something to my coke, she was sucking my dick till that dick got

hard. You understand me? You know, you get freaky. It's things you want to do, but you can't because you got dead dick. why are you so freaky though if your dick's not working just i don't know you just want it it's like do you experience this too you want what you can't get what do you what what happened because i know you had a coaching for a while what did you what did you get into you get hard on when you snore oh i never had a problem not getting hard on ever with any drug or anything i think that's I find that very hard to believe. I think once when I was sick,

like I tried to masturbate when I had like a temperature, a really high temperature and I couldn't do it. Once when you're sick so you couldn't get it up. What do you consider up? Is your up like a spongy sort of

marshmallow? If I get blackout drunk, I have a harder dick than if I didn't have a drunk. Okay, next time you get blackout drunk, I'm going to take a picture of your dick so you're going to get it hard. All right.

Okay. You defy the laws of physiology that doesn't even make sense i don't know i i seriously like i can almost everybody has a problem not only can i have uh the biggest hard-on when i'm drunk i i also last like stupid and long amounts of time like an hour and a half that's normal that's because you don't feel as much yeah that that happens with me too but i think that's normal when you're drunk you don't really get off that good but i've never had not been such a difference man people don't smoke weed don't even know what feels like when you get high with your woman and you know you just especially like you really love a check you've been with her a while you you you're like

really close you're not fighting there's no there's no animosity. No weirdness No need no extra need. It's a hovering over every fucking conversation you have It's a lot bad relationships out there Joey Diaz But if you got a good one if you got a good one you smoke weed with your lady and make out have some sex Oh, I'll tell you it's incredible. It's it feels 20 times better. Yeah, it's like no bullshit When you get high you just hang out with a chick It's so much fucking better even than drinking Trina always fucked up for me. They got that fucking wine bread this shit the I like that Yeah, I like that. I like alcohol. I like it. I like I like whiskey breath cuz you know what?

That's a chick that's gonna make some fucking mistakes. We're gonna do something crazy. You could talk her into some shit mistakes. We're going to do something crazy. You can talk her into some shit. I grew up in a bar. I like to smoke a hot pot. I like it if you can keep it together. I like a good drunk. I don't mind the drunk. I like a drunk that can keep it together. We're going to be hanging out with a drunk tonight.

You're going to hang out with a drunk? I love Bert. I might drink tonight because I haven't drank in a week. He came on the podcast yesterday and I was just thinking what a fucking positive guy. When we were talking about this whole death squad thing about all of us, one of the most beautiful things is the friends that we've made and that we've formulated this group of really nice people.

We could trust all of them. You know, like Burt Kreischer, I trust that guy. I love Burt. I trust him to, like, always be nice. I trust him to always, I always want to hug him. He's always great to talk to. He's a good human being. You know, there's so many good human being brian callen same way that's a he's a great human being i fucking love brian callen you know i'm saying that we find our brand we've made our

brand we formulated our brand yeah what's that from we made our brand last friday yeah what was that from that was the night the improv with that kid. Oh, who was... Thank God you didn't show. Oh, yeah, that guy was fucking beating our ear and talking nonsense fucking showbiz terms to us. We got trapped. We got trapped in a weird conversation. But you guys really have established your brand.

You know, I think you guys have done an amazing job of establishing your brand. And, like, you are speaking buzzwords. You know, it's fucking crazy. It's crazy. establishing your brand, like you are speaking buzzwords. It's crazy. Fucking crazy ass. Because I wish that everybody at one time got to see New York City in the 80s. Just to see that.

Just to see that. Let me tell you something. I used to go to those peep shows to kill time. I worked on 52nd Street. And when you're 13, you go to get to see a piece of pussy. It was the raunchiest. First off, where they hired a guy to go in there with the mops.

Because you walk out and he's right in there with a mop. And that mop picks up that load of sperm. You come on the floor. There's no tissues in those places. You know, when I was a kid, I fought in a really big karate tournament, Madison Square Garden. Yeah, yeah, Iron Banks and all that shit. Yeah, there was a big karate tournament. I was like maybe 16.

I was still in high school. Did you walk over there? I don't remember. I don't remember much, man. I remember there was a lot of fights, and I definitely got tagged in the head a few times. So I remember the weekend. You didn't go over to the beef shows?

No, no, I didn't do any of that back then. I didn't even believe in pleasure back then. I thought that if I needed pleasure, I was weak. When I was 16, I didn't even want to fuck. Until I got my first girlfriend. And then we started fucking like rabbits. And I was totally right. Distracted the shit out of me for a little while.

But I tried to avoid sex. I wouldn't even fuck my girlfriend in the school. Because you know I used to teach at my martial arts school. So I was in high school. And I had keys to this fucking building in downtown LA. Boston. Boston, rather, not even downtown Boston. But it's this building in Boston. I would teach there.

I mean, I would go there, and I would also like to go there because I had my car back then. I would like to go there and work out when I knew that everybody was asleep. I had this crazy thing where I wanted to work out when I knew that everybody that I was fighting was asleep. That's when I would go there, like 2 o'clock, 3 o'clock in the morning, I would start my workouts. And I was dating this freak bitch, and she would go with me. She wanted to fuck all the time.

She was dirty. She was so dirty. I dated one. I dated a few really dirty girls when I was young, but this one was just down, down, DTF all day. She was just crazy. It's amazing when you first start fucking when you're like 15 and 16. That's why I always

loved that song, Night Moves, that Bob Seger song, because that reminded me of this chick. Because me and this chick were just awkward and we were in love with each other supposedly, but not really. What it really was like, we would just go on these horrendous fuck rampages

to try to escape our reality through a relationship through intense sex and you know just the awkwardness of growing up but that night move song i remember made me get left back in the sixth grade let me tell you about that the sixth grade waiting what is the sixth grade that's 12 right in the sixth grade how old is that i was in love with this girl in new york how old is that 12. she was a skinny little cuban chick and her father lived downstairs the mother was hot and every afternoon she would say to me because i you know i don't know why she'd go listen i could date you but we can't date those school ends that's what my mom says i could date boys so we have to do and i hung out with her brother i her brother and me didn't

like each other and every afternoon i bring over to my house i put on earth one in fire can't hide love off the the live album and we dry hump over and over to that song i would suck a little funnel titties and then finally like they had those little funnel titties in the sixth grade the best was my mother hated when she would be in the room like my mother would come home and go what the is she doing in your room open the yeah yeah respect me respect me and i'm gonna come on come on huh yeah what was the open the room and one day my mother paid one of the guys from the bar to go over there and get a ladder my mother and her i'm i'm dry humping the girl and i'm hearing this in my backyard but i'm like i'm gonna get the i'm trying on this and i'm trying my mother paid the guy like 50 bucks to get a ladder and tell her what we were doing in there but the ladder fell

you had to take him to the hospital he broke like a finger bro far off the ladder it's not a joke chick's bro but the first time like it was like she told me i couldn't kiss her like we couldn't make out and shit till but this is crazy because we weren't gonna make out to the day after school but she was gonna let me lick her little pussy and i remember the first time i smelled this pussy i was like in the sixth grade i fucking just went numb it was like my ears you know before mich before Michael Corleone shoots Salazzo out of the train, but it's really his deafness from your, I didn't know Joe Rogan. My head was hot.

I remember just licking. You smelled my hand. Did it smell like this? Your face gets all red. Remember the first time you fucked, your face would get red to eat. And I remember eating a pussy and I was done, dog. Done. I had to eat a pussy every fucking day.

That's what you did every day i talked her into coming over do you think that started your worldwide lifelong obsession with pussy eating pussy nah there's one girl it sounds like it is it sounds like it's a positive i wouldn't need harassing nothing i was scared of the ass stop i was in the sixth grade i was in the sixth grade and then what happened was we got caught playing hooky. So it was like endless love. Our parents told us we couldn't hang out with each other no more. It was fucking crazy. I was going to burn the house down and everything.

And then I got sent to summer school because I wouldn't do homework, bro. That's all I would think about. I would eat until 6. I would go home and eat dinner, and then we'd get on the phone until 2 in the morning. It was fucking Donny and Marie type shit. Kids, you know? And our parents didn't let us hang out. And I got thrown. I was supposed to was fucking Donny and Marie type shit. Right. Kids, you know. And our parents didn't let us hang out

and I got thrown, I was supposed to get to summer school at 830, so in fact, I had to go over there instead to eat her pussy because by that time

she let me stick it in her a little bit. Fingers? And I would go fingers and like all that. Now, was she touching your dick at all?

No. No. I was such a Catholic little fag prude then. Really? I didn't want to touch her dick. Really? If she touched my Really? I didn't want to touch my dick. Really?

If she touched my dick, I didn't want her in my life. Did you get boners? I got boners. I got big dicks I wanted to fuck. You had big dicks you wanted to fuck? In those days, when I was from the age, listen, I got to tell you something, guys. From the age of 12 to about 17, if a girl grabbed my dick, I'd tell her to get dressed and leave. Really?

I was one of those fucking momos. I didn't want blowjobs. I was looking for a wife. Really? I was one of those fucking momos. I didn't want blowjobs. I was looking for a wife. Really? Yeah, I'm looking for a woman. I don't want a chick that sucks my dick. That means she's a whore. And then the first time I got my dick sucked bonafide,

my buddy Louie Donato, I still remember him. He's like, dog, I got this massage place. You got to come up there and help me do security. I'm like, I'm 18, dog. I'm like, how much are you going to pay me? He's like, I can't pay you nothing, but I have the chick suck your dick. So I just wanted a blowjob. So I didn't tell him the truth. I went up there with that. I'll do security, dog. I stood there. I go, one of these chicks is going to suck your dick. He goes, whenever you want. So this chick took me in the back. She had a lawn. I'll never forget

that she sucked my dick. And then she goes, you could cut in my hair. Dog, I left there fucking mummified. He's like,'s like go ahead you gotta work the door for a few hours i just went home it took like three showers i didn't talk about the body i kind of cried like bro when i was a young guy i was a prude i was very prudish did you come in there oh yeah who are you kidding i'm not that much of a prude you know when somebody lets you come in the hand and it's their idea what the fuck you know i'm coming your hand but i didn't like it like at that time i really didn't like that stuff i don't know why i don't even know why it was really weird i was uh i was approved till fucking

a long time though then i didn't give a fuck well you probably saw vice you saw so much vice as a kid you saw so many things that you were like i I'm going to avoid all these problems. I'm going to avoid all this shit that I see around me. I see chaos. I see death. I see loss. I'm going to avoid all this vice. That's the only thing that makes sense if you didn't want a girl touching your dick. You were obviously rejecting vice.

Oh, I didn't want nothing. Nothing. I wanted to fuck and suck. I was the captain. What? I was the captain. Yeah, but you didn't want them to touch your dick at all, but you didn't do anything to them like were you worried about doing something like what were you worried about i was worried about that they were dirty if they touched my dick like if a woman

grabbed your dick she was dirty she was crazy you know how like people who don't smoke pot look at people who smoke pot right they they see hallucinations they see the devil you know that's what i've had some conversations with really rational people. Yeah. I've had that. You tell them you smoke pot and they blow a fuse. Like, they don't know how to talk to you anymore. You see, like, the hiccup in their system. You what? Smoke pot? I don't know what you mean.

You know what happened with that girl years later? What'd he do? Me and that girl became really good friends. That girl that we were dry humping and shit, you know. Right. And I think, like like two years later we became good friends we were fucking backyard buddies you know we had we shared a backyard and i had a friend of mine who stole bicycles and he would always put them together and go hey come here drive this for a couple days let me know what you think and you drive and then come back and go you know the

steering wheel's fucked up you got a titan or whatever he was a mechanic right so he gave me this 10 speed one thing goes bro take it take. Let me know what you think so I take it I'm playing and it was a bunch of kids. I was in the seventh grade cuz I got left back She was now in the eighth grade. I was the eighth grade and she was a freshman That's what it was and we were all playing on the same block and she took the bike Somebody said go to the store. She threw the bike and I go where's the bike and they said New York It took it. She's going to the store. This was a block that was circular What do you call those blocks cul-de-sacs cul-de-sacs and the middle has like an island?

Yes, so I was on one side of the street playing two-hand football and she was riding the bike this way So me and my friend started running at her Bro, the steering is loose, but she thought we were gonna fucking chase her right like we were chasing to take the bike away from him like no take the bike but the steering was loose don't make a turn so she's giggling bro the fuck and she went to make the turn she flew over it landed we got up she went home the next day i walked to school and they're like come here for a second remember your girlfriend she's in critical condition she landed on the head and got a blood clot in the middle of fucking note she had a shave her head

let me tell you how good-looking this girl was she still won homecoming queen with the ball fucking head though so what they do they have to open our skull open her skull and the weird thing was that she was always flat chest and after I bumped her head her tits got gigantic a bumped to the head, her tits got gigantic. A bump to the head made her tit. But it was really bad because our families were mad at each other. And I remember one day, her brother was like a dick. He didn't like me.

And him and his father came over to my house, liked to talk to me. But my stepfather was in the yard. That's the first time I seen him pull a gun on somebody in Jersey. Like I never seen him pull a gun on somebody in Jersey. That's the time he went out there and he goes, with that with that 45 these motherfuckers got back in their Corvette and they turned around because they knew my dad had a reputation but not in Jersey he was like nine Jersey's his house he didn't want any problems he would hide his guns in his yard so they wouldn't be in his house we were out there mowing the lawn also playing we seen the white Corvette

bro and I go dad that's the guy. New Yorker, Reese's father. My dad looked at me. He didn't even hesitate. He just bent right over. You lived a Martin Scorsese movie, dude. That was fucking crazy. That would be a good Martin Scorsese movie, too.

Martin, get on it. By the way. Get on it. Holla at Joey Diaz. Holla at me, cock lickers. I love you, motherfucker. Tonight, it's almost sold out. The Ice House in Pasadena.

It is going to be a goddamn spectacular extravaganza of a show. We got Randy Lipke is hosting this bitch. We got Tom Rhodes all up in this motherfucker. We got Dom Irera. Holla at your boy. We got Sam Tripoli. We got Brian Redband. Who else?

Doug Benson. Doug Benson's all up in this bitch. Bert Kreischer. Bert Kreischer. Taking a cab up there because he don't want to drive. Yeah, Bert's got a car. Bert takes a fucking car. Yeah, he's got a car service so he can just throw down.

And me. So we're all up there tonight. That's like an insane lineup. It's a tremendous lineup for $15. And we do it all the time. And it's fun as fuck. And we love it. We love doing They should have three fucking shows. And by the way, we do it all the time. And it's fun as fuck. And we love it. We love doing shows there in Pasadena.

And when Joey and I have a big show this weekend in Denver at the Paramount Theater, these shows get us fired up for it. This is how you tune in. This is how you tune up. Last week was fucking incredible, man. So was the improv, man. The improv was fucking incredible. That Friday night was amazing. And Amy Schumer was great, too.

She was awesome, man. She was awesome. I had a slow fucking death. I couldn't get them till the end. They didn't like me in the beginning. Really? They weren't our regular people. Really? Yeah, that club's kind of uncomfortable for me. I always do. That's exactly the same. That's so crazy.

You know what it is? You start off first. So going up first is always harder so crazy. That was a little weird. I don't like it. You know what it is? You start off first. So going up first is always harder. Going up first is a weird thing. You got to get them in the groove. They're not losing nothing. That's why you should have asked me. No, I went up there too fast.

You were sick. You were sick then. I went up there too fast. You would start thinking about the last set you had there. Oh, no. I have my news. Because of that club and because of my last set there, I have 10 minutes of clean material now. Well, that's good.

Yeah. You should always have just tools. Yeah. You can just whip out. Throw that in the back. Yeah. It's not even just, they just don't know you. Like, your comedy is so weird.

And if someone knows you, then it makes sense. But it's like, there's so many comics that that's the case. Like, when someone, like, not that you're Mitch Hedberg, but Mitch Hedberg used to bomb all the fucking time if people didn't know him then once they knew him then people would come to see it you know but you're a fucking weirdo dude and people don't know why you're throwing cum on the wall in a hotel room like the fuck is this idiot doing doesn't even make sense you know you're a grown man you're not 12 years old yeah you know like saying some cutesy shit you're almost 40 and you're talking about throwing loads like spider-man on the walls that's right and people are like what the fuck are you doing you know i'm saying so until they know you from the podcast that's a tough pill to swallow son but once they know you

like oh silly red van oh silly and also tonight we have the ice house chronicles that goes off about 10 ish yeah we usually do it about a half an hour before the podcast and if you want to tune into that it's going to be right here on this motherfucker right here on this you stream channel bitches Oh Brian, you got to rename these all these to say Joe Rogan live I thought you were gonna go back and rename these that would take forever. Yeah, well you got to do that, dude You got to do that. I can't just have Joe Rogan live and not know whether that's no no one What who uses you stream a lot of people do I don't these Vimeo or you or YouTube they use this too yeah I know I know I'm saying but you know the they don't know

why the amount of people that rewatch it on you stream instead of YouTube or Vimeo is like what point zero zero zero seven percent that's not true no not only is that not true you don't know and there's a lot of people that get clips off of these things off of YouTube it's hard for them to find with the... No, it's not off YouTube. It's also on Ustream. A lot of these have a lot of views, man. A lot of these have a lot of views.

I know. And it happens before it goes up on Vimeo. Once it's on Vimeo, the amount of people, once it's on Vimeo and YouTube, like.000. That's all good, but it still has thousands of views. Yeah, because it happens before. But Brian, they still need to be labeled. They need to be labeled. We've talked about this before.

You can't just not label them. That's just crazy. What should happen is when I label it at the end of every podcast, it should save the label, but for some reason it doesn't. Yeah, there is a glitch, but we still have to label them. Anyway. Fuck. Get it together, cocksuckers.

Just watch the Ustream. No, Brian, this is the U it together, cocksuckers. No, Brian, this is the Ustream. Just say, just watch the Ustream. You said that. Watch the Vimeo on YouTube. Yeah, you fucked up, pal. If there's any reason to watch it on Ustream, there's no reason to watch it on Ustream

when it's on Twitter. Brian, if they want to watch it on Ustream, they should be able to watch it on Ustream. It's on Ustream. It needs to be labeled. Anywhere it is, it needs to be labeled. You can't just have, watch it and find out who the guest is that's silly we need to label it okay okay i think everybody on twitter would agree no because everyone i think the majority of people

are probably watching it on youtube or vimeo no they're watching it right now on you stream and they might go back to it and watch it again thousands of people do this is a silly conversation bro yeah i asked you to do it and you didn't do it. That's all it is. No, you told me to start doing it. I have been doing it the whole time. I said we have to go back and relabel them too, Brian. Yeah, that's insane how long that will take. Oh my God, that's a job, Brian. That's what part of having a job is.

Don't forget to come to the Ice House. I mean, you're not even doing those videos anymore. We're not even doing those videos. You told me to stop recording. So we have time, right? It's off the motherfucking hook tonight. To give you more time. To give you more time for shit. For going back and even doing those videos. You told me to stop recording. So we have time, right? It's off the motherfucking hook tonight. To give you more time. To give you more time for shit.

For going back and labeling thousands of videos. To give you more time for other shit that you need to do. I'll hire somebody to do that. I'll pay him $20 to do it. Okay, good. Brandon Walsh, we're doing a tremendous show. Make sure you go. You know this is a silly conversation, right? Thank you very much. A lot of people have to do things in their job they don't want to do.

I know, but what I'm saying is, if you go to JoeRogan.net, where everyone goes to watch an old episode. Brian, I know your point. I know your point. But the bottom line is, it's on the internet, on Ustream. This is the channel where people watch the show live when they want to watch the show live. And none of those things are labeled. Right. But what I'm saying is, if you're going, hey, I want to watch Joe Rogan and Joey Diaz right now,

I'm going to go to Joe Rogan's website. Oh, there it is. Oh, cool. But no one's going to go, I'm going to go to ustream.tv backslash Joe Rogan. Yes, they would because that's where they watch it live. You don't think they bookmark that? They watch it live all the time. I know it sucks

and I know I'll have somebody do it but I'm just saying it's really ridiculous to watch it on an inferior like like the version of vimeo beautiful the version on youtube beautiful both of those are you know easily on your phones on your dvd players on your tvs like i totally understand the last place to watch it i totally understand that however it is there and people do watch it so it needs to be labeled there's one guy somewhere in iowa it's a somewhere in Iowa. There's thousands of views on all these videos.

They're watching it right now. That maybe, and a little bit in the future. But they need to know what they're watching. It's not that big a deal, man. You're not working in Malaysia. Fucking farming yaks. Right, Joe Diaz? Talk to this kid. Tell him. Straighten him out.

You know what I'm saying? I don't understand what's going on. All I know is tomorrow night, Friday night, Paramount Theater, 8 o'clock, Brendan Walsh, Joe Rogan taking off the fucking hooks, Joey Diaz ready to rock, Stone to the gills, and then we're at the Mandalay Bay event center, the whole fucking Dead Squad crew, the Flying Jew, Duncan Trussell, Joey Diaz and my man, the fucking headliner, Joe Rogan.

Where else are we going, dog? The Mandalay Bay one is going to be big. The Mandalay Bay one is we're doing the weigh-ins, ladies and gentlemen. Where the weigh-ins are for the UFC, it seats, I think it's like 3,000 people. That's what we're doing. We're doing when they block it off for the weigh-ins, that's the area we're going to do comedy at. And it was the idea of Mandalay Bay because we used to do that theater that they had. What was the show?

The Lion King. The Lion King. The Lion King. And they changed that. They're doing a new Michael Jackson type thing, and they're building it up right now. So that thing is closed. So it was their idea to do that. So this is the first time we're ever doing this. We're going to do the Mandalay Bay Theater, and that's August 31st.

And again, that's Ari Shaffir, Joe Diaz, Duncan Trussell, and me. And I'll tell you, if you're not doing nothing next Wednesday, you're in Nashville, Chattanooga, fucking Atlanta, fucking Michigan, Mississippi. I'll tell you what, I'm coming to Nashville, Zany's, Wednesday, 8 o'clock, 615-269-0221. Get your fucking tickets now.

There's a couple of them left. We need to do a pay-per-view Joey Diaz storytelling shows. Those shows that you're doing? There's a couple of them left We need to do Pay-per-view Joey Diaz Storytelling shows Those shows that you're doing That's a good idea Put that shit up Put that shit up

Well you know It was like number 29 Today on iTunes How many of those Have you done so far? I got five of them The one that we just taped I got a problem with

The one before Wasn't that good So we scrapped it And their audios? And their audios Yeah I'm putting them up On iTunes Those are fucking great

That's beautiful Testicle Testaments. $1.99. What do I give a fuck? Beautiful. I just want people to get this. This one's good. It's a kidnapping story. So the first one, I hit your heart. I don't fuck around. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, so it is 10 to 7 right now on the West Coast and at

10 o'clock, so three hours from now, we will have the Ice House Chronicles. And you can watch it live on this Ustream channel that Brian thinks that nobody goes to no they watch it live Ustream.tv Ustream's awesome

for live broadcasting I know I'm fucking around dude relax I love you guys relax we love all you guys thank you very much for all the positive

Twitter messages and all the positive Facebook messages you guys are cool as fuck yeah I made a commitment to start using Facebook again I'm going to write like longer blog posts and shit

and just put them up there. You guys are the shit. We have the coolest crowds in the world that come to these shows and don't think we don't appreciate it because we talk about it

all the time. Brian talks about it all the time. I do. We get on the phone after shows sometimes and we can't believe it. We're the luckiest people alive

and we appreciate you guys and we support you guys 100%. The reason why we're doing this is because we love to do it and we love it because you guys love it. It all feeds itself and it all marches on the beautiful life that we live.

Use the mind, ladies and gentlemen. Find the direct path. Thanks to Anna.com. Go to O-N-N-I-T. Use the code name Rogan. Save yourself off 10%. Save yourself off 10% off AlphaBrain ShroomTechSport

ShroomTechImmune ShroomTechSport is this shit If you work out hard Take it son It's about quarter steps Mushrooms and B12 Take a B12 supplement If you're vegan

Otherwise it makes you Break a shrink Anyway That's it That's it for this week We'll see you guys soon We love you guys Next week

We got a whole lot of people I'm not sure if Dice Clay Is still doing it But I believe Jamie Kilstein is coming in We got a lot of shit Happening folks We'll see you soon We love you guys. Next week, we've got a whole lot of people. I'm not sure if Dice Clay is still doing it, but I believe Jamie Kilstein is coming in. We've got a lot of shit happening, folks. We'll see you soon. We love you guys.

Thank you.