The Joe Rogan Experience - #258 - Bryan Callen

Episode Date: August 30, 2012

Joe sits down with Bryan Callen.

Hit it. I was just going to say, when you sing a Joe Rogan song, you've got to get down deep like this. I don't have the whole song, but I've got certain verses. Hello, Joe Rogan, he is your friend. Joe Rogan, he is the man. Joe Rogan, he's got the best damn podcast in the land. He's got a thick, short neck and a wide face and very expressive eyes. Very expressive eyes.

He's got long arms and short legs and a high-tied ass and a barrel of snakes for a back. A barrel of snakes for a back. Not to mention the fact that his lower extremities would be more at home on a mule than a human being he's joe rogan he's your friend joe rogan he is the man he's joe rogan he's got the best damn podcast in the land thank you very much i didn't know if i should help you end it or that's all i have that's all i have man it's emotional that's all i can't you guys maybe i'll add some more verses but that's all i've got for now how was uh sean i started singing that stupid song in the shower you sing that song i was like yeah i was like i woke up when i was like i'm bored and i was like joe rogan he is my friend

his name is joe rogan And I started breaking down your body. You might have like the worst sense of beat and rhythm ever. Oh, dude, I'm the terrible singer. What are you talking about? I'm the worst. Somebody please put that to music so I can just revel and play it on a loop in my car. I would be a terrible musician, dude. Why were you thinking about my body when you're by yourself?

That's crazy. I was soaking myself down. Yeah, and I was touching myself. I don't know. We feel weird man Just feeling I was feeling I wanted to be as thick and wide as you know, really happy about it He's thick and why I can't go north to south so I go east to west You're thick I meant to be carrying bricks. Yeah, you were always yeah Yeah, this thing about you even went back in the day You were always working out and you had just you had big hands big hands long your arms are long legs are short arms are long well my legs aren't short my upper body's short oh that's okay yeah my legs actually

it's true your legs are actually yeah my body's very weird yeah you're actually your body it's built to bear down rocks up hills yeah it's sicilian stone masons yeah but i'm half sicilian what happened to me i'm built for dance you're built for rocks and i'm built for dance it annoys me i'm built to gesture and emote well that's one of the things i think i like about kettlebells i feel like i'm working hard i just i just put in a hard kettlebell workout man it's like you're you know you're really going to war you're really fighting something it's not just like doing a bench i've never done a really hard kettlebell work what maybe you'll take me through how dare you you're in my house yeah maybe i'll

take before i feed you the grass-fed steaks that i got we've got some grass-fed steaks i'm too high right now but we'll do it after a little too high to work out it's the best time to work out is it fuck yeah i don't smoke you don't smoke enough weed that's the problem time to work out. Is it? Fuck yeah. I don't smoke enough weed. You don't smoke enough weed. That's the problem. You've got to get comfortable with the waves. It's like if you don't know how to surf and you get on a board and the wave hits you, you're going to fall on your ass. Why? And you're like, I can't handle the wave.

No, no, no. You just don't know how to handle the wave yet. You've got to learn how to ride the weed waves. That's the whole life. When someone's high all the time, they can just handle being high. They can handle being high talking to a cop. They can handle being high buying tickets at the movie theater.

It's not that big a deal. They're used to the boat. They're used to the waves, man. They're used to that experience. I like that, I like that. You lift weights when you're high, you feel your muscles, man. You feel your tissue.

You do feel everything way more intensely. You feel it. Everything pops, stretches better. It feels great when you stretch high. Stretching high is like one of the great pleasures. Oh, yeah. I do jujitsu high all the time. Whatever you gave me, I have good energy right now.

Yeah, it's a sativa. It's called sage. Sativa. Yeah, it's a sativa. It's all positive and energetic. It's not like a... I've never done stand-up high like this. Yes, you have.

We got you high once before the show. Yeah, actually, that's true. Oh, that's high once before that's true that's right I did great that was fucking that's right that was at the ice house and I started talking about saving a baby that was trapped under a smart car you should get high before every show man for real yeah my fuck around my fuck around lately on stage I've been I don't know if this ever happens to you but I'll get a like just a winkling of an idea yeah and I just start following it on stage and sometimes it just starts forming itself other times You're like, where am I going? What are you doing this weekend? You got gigs? Yeah, I'm gonna be in actually

I'm glad you reminded me. I'll be in Vegas and the Paris at the Paris was a great new room and I'll be there Thursday Friday Saturday come out. That's court court McGowan's court McGowan's place the Paris and it's great and court will be middling for me and uh i can't wait man i had a great time in schaumburg thanks everybody at schaumburg and thanks to joe rogan because a lot of people came out because they listened to this and um it was it was it was amazing man i love i love those crowds i love that room it's great room i love chicago they're so nice yeah they're great they're just polite people they're better they're better than us they are better than us they're real people they have to deal with this winter we're soft

we're so we're softer on the belly there's something about about having to deal with the winner they say that the the people in the north developed faster in technologically because they had to get ready for the winter because they the winner was something you had to develop a sense of time you had to figure out how to harvest store food and all the things that come with that and it required a higher level of technology and a higher level of sort of planning and and and in some ways uh uh discipline because the criminals are way smarter on the East Coast. Yeah, well, they're organized.

It's called the mafia. Those aren't the smart ones. The Russians are the smart ones. The Russians are pretty good, too. Yeah, the Russians and the Chinese keep their fucking mouths closed. The Italians start reality shows, like Mob Wives. Can you imagine if a Russian chick tried to start

a Mob Wives show? They would kill that bitch but these weak-ass guineas are letting these fucking dumb broads go on tv and spout all their nonsense basically indicting them an entire life of crime you know what you're getting into when you're entering this life oh really so you're admitting your husband's a fucking criminal on tv you dumb cunt is that what you're doing is that what they is that that's what you're doing if you are in a criminal empire okay if you're doing if you are in a criminal empire okay if you're involved in something like that you can't go on a reality

show and just make light of it like it's no big deal to be a fucking mob wife because i guarantee you there's some shit in that guy's past that he's denied and then he would say no no i'm not a lifetime criminal and this you got your wife on tv but if you're a real mafia guy your wife doesn't know a damn thing no they found the chinese the head of the chinese triads they said in new york and you know what he'd been doing for 15 years what selling uh soda out of one of those uh push carts jesus christ that was his cover jesus christ how about that they're willing to take it to a level this soda's not fucking it's warm warm. Give me a fucking, give me a cold soda. Let's go. He's ahead of a triad.

Yeah, he was dealing with that every day. That's hilarious. Okay. Ran the triad. When they had that whole Gotti thing going on in New York, I remember going, what is going on? They can't arrest the mafia guy? Like, this main mafia guy?

Teflon, the Teflon Don. Where's his, I remember thinking, like, what? I met and spent a lot of time with his lawyer. Really? What's his name? I can't remember his name now. It's killing me. Big bald-headed.

Bruce Buffer? No. Bruce Buffer. No, not Bruce Buffer. Kunstler? No. Kunstler. No, no, not Kunstler.

Something like Cotter? No. Cotler, Bruce Cotler. Cotler? Maybe. Maybe. Anyway, he looks like a big, thick. It's a gorilla.

I thought he was an Italian guy. He goes, no, I'm Jewish. I'm Jewish. I'm from Brooklyn. I don't believe in violence, but I was a wrestler. He was a wrestler. And he never lost, he said, but he was a really great guy. Oh, what is his name?

What is his name? We've got to Google that. But he was such a good guy, and we had so much fun. Really? Was he a good guy? Is it Bruce Cutler or Bruce? I don't remember. Yeah, he's a great guy.

He's got a great sense of humor, and he was just talking about how defending somebody, you know, they're going to send you away for 1,000 years. I'm going to defend you. I'm going to do everything I can. He's got a great sense of humor. And he was just talking about how defending somebody, they're going to send you away for a thousand years. I'm going to defend you. I'm going to do everything I can. Bruce Cutler. Yeah, Bruce Cutler.

He said about Gotti, he said, I have defended some very formidable men, and that is the one guy who really lived what he spoke, what he said. I was in there. I ever tell you the story about being in little italy in 91 let's call it and uh might even be yeah something like that i think it was even 90 and it was early and i was at and he had a i can't remember the name of his social club but it was right near a restaurant called cafe sorrento and we used to go there and right next door was the uh social club Oh, come on. What's it called? Mulberry something.

Something like that. Mulberry Street. And I'll never forget. And that's where Gotti and his boys used to hang out. And you'd see these just rough-looking dudes with earpieces. And the car would pull up and stuff. And I remember I was eating at the outdoor cafe. I was with this girl.

And I saw these two dudes in suits with open shirts. Ravenite social club. Ravenite social club. Ravenite social club. And Cafe Sorrento was right next door. And I remember seeing these two just giant men walking out on their way clearly to do ... I could smell it. I could see it. Clearly to do something bad.

Clearly to do something like... And I remember looking at how big and formidable they were and how they were basically professional knuckle breakers i thought to myself that that would put the fear of god in you that that's you better be ready for guys who are gonna you know yeah because the cops are gonna come and then they're gonna go and those guys are gonna wait yeah they're gonna come back that's right they're gonna that's what their job is to get that done that's right that's right they go like this They go have a nice evening. Have a good evening. Yeah, and they come back and see this burn down See you soon fuckface. See you soon. Saturday a mother for me, right? Yeah, it's a very scary thing to have organized crime, you know, well corporations and technology actually actually

Took a big bite out of organized crime couldn't shake down local businesses anymore because they weren't they were all LLCs and things It's interesting. The Ravenite social club is now a shoe store ah wow yep wow it's like shoes and purse and the and the way they brought down brought down god you ever hear the story the the guy who used to run the ravenite social club managed it he was the guy who took care of like cleaning the tables and everything else they sent a cop in there this beautiful woman she was a cop she banged him on the table. And as he was banging her on the table, she put a mic under the table. And that's how.

Whoa. And that is how. She took one for the team. Oh, my God. Took some cock. Fucked this guy. Took some cock. Banged him under there. What a trooper.

And brought the whole thing down. What if she came? That's a good question. What if she was so turned on by the fucking scandal of it all? She was a sexual patriot. Wow. And I appreciate that.

Sexual patriot is a new distinction. There it is. I've never heard of a sexual patriot before. Oh, by the way, everybody, thank you for making Man Thoughts with Brian Callen, number nine yesterday, thanks to the Joe Rogan podcast

because I know a lot of you guys are just going over from here to there. I mean, that's kind of crazy. People love you. I started talking about the 10-minute podcast I started talking about my podcast the next day the next day like My buddy was like you're number 13 dude on iTunes. Have you ever seen the YouTube comments? Whenever we request people to go look at a video no It's hilarious like whatever it like I've like, an Allman Brothers song the other day. And you go to the song now, and for the first three pages,

it just says, like, powerful Joe Rogan, Olive Garden, Butthole. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, it's hilarious. Joe Rogan sent me. Yeah, it's ridiculous. What do you think is the, well, I mean, your podcast has become a bit of a phenomenon. And as long as I've known you, the one thing I know about you is that you've never, ever lied.

You're just an authentic dude. And you, for better or for worse, for better or for worse, you were always the guy. And when you were young, it was so inconvenient. Because if you didn't like somebody in that circle, you'd be like, I don't fucking like you. I don't like somebody in that circle, you'd be like, I don't fucking like you. I don't like you. So there it is. I mean, it was basically that.

Or they figured out real quick that you just had a problem with it. Well, you were willing to tolerate some really ridiculous people in your life. And I loved you. And I'd be hanging around with you. And I'd see all these problems in your life. And it drove me crazy. Because it wasn't just that I didn't like this guy. I was mad that this guy was wasting your time with nonsense, these idiots and liars and frauds and dummies.

And you didn't want to hurt their feelings, so you accommodated them. That's right. And I was offended. I was offended by them. I was offended by them for being so weak to run this weak game. And then you were accepting this weak game, so they didn't grow. Do you know a lot of young people listen to this? And you know what I figured out after a while

why don't why i don't do that anymore why don't suffer fools anymore is because when you when you suffer fools like that what you're doing is actually taking your time away from and from real people people who do deserve your time exactly you know who are not imposters it's not good for them either the fools if you let a fool be a fool they have to be a fool by saying that you know that that's who they are you just accept that they're never going to grow right and i don't know if they can grow i don't know what their potential for growth is but we're not going to fucking find out if you tolerate them you can't do it because you lose all your energy it takes you it's actually a form of high-tech

procrastination if i think back on it i think a lot of it was just high-tech procrastination. If I think back on it, I think a lot of it was just high-tech procrastination. We do, as human beings, astonishing things to ensure our own failure, or to at least ensure that we don't realize our potential. True potential, yeah. And we do crazy things, like have a family with three kids that we, and with a woman we don't like, or take a job that we have to take because we've got to hold down this massive nut we create for ourselves, when what we should be doing, and actually, in Turning Pro,

he talks about this a lot. Pressfield, yeah. Pressfield. And the war of art. And the war of art. So we do these things. It's very hard, and I always tell people,

I say, if you really want to try an exercise, just ask yourself if you couldn't fail. If you couldn't fail, you can get anything you want. Just make a list of what you really want in Technicolor and see what it does to you. It's hard to face up to it. You know, a lot of people have competing notions in their own mind about money. You know, there was a psychiatrist talking about how you have all these weird things like money. Money can't buy you happiness. It's the root of all evil. Right. But we all want money. You know, there was a psychiatrist talking about how you have all these weird things like money, money buys you, that can't buy you happiness, it's the root of all evil, but we all want money. So we, and within our own mind, we have these major conflicts of interest whenever you

bring up the word money, because it conjures up both negative and positive images in us. That's interesting to me, because you and I know that if you make enough money, you can do a lot of good with it. You can make a difference with it. So everybody should be trying in some way to be, it's not just about money, but trying to be the best they can be because you'll make a difference. But I think within ourselves, part of the human problem and something you have to face up as you get older is the fact that there are a lot of contradictions within your own mind because they've been given to you. It's really hard sometimes to just have because you have to actually think you deserve it.

And most of us are conditioned to be guilty about having too much. Yeah, well there's a lot of people in this country that feel like it's okay to be angry you because you're successful there's a lot of people that will say like go fucking rich asshole much less in this country than other countries and I'll tell you why and one of the strengths of our country is this and George will has a great he gave a great speech about this the the the great thing about America is that all of us out there know and I hope we're not losing sight of this because in some

ways you can get cynical about the way this world is wired now but the bottom line is a lot of americans know i may be poor today but if i do the right thing i might be rich tomorrow and that sense of potential in the american character is what drives this economy it's why we're so innovative that's all well and good as an ideal but the real problem has nothing to do with america as an ideal the real problem has to do with weakness of character and people not liking people who are successful yes you know i had a friend who will remain nameless but he's a very nice guy and he's a comedian he's a sort of a bit of the self-hating nebbishy type and he's like god you're always doing this with your body like why you know why why why have your why have all these muscles why why be in

shape like why are you so concentrated on that like for real i go if i gave you a pill and in that pill all you can do is you take this pill and you all of a sudden you're a super athlete you're a person who's unlike 99.9 of the people who run the street you're a martial arts expert you could choke people you could kick the shit out of them if you wanted to, you can defend yourself, wouldn't you take that pill? And he goes, yeah, I would. I go, well, that pill is just hard work. Right.

If you do hard work, you become that. And consistency. See, I did it without a pill. Consistency. Yeah, it's the same thing. There's nothing wrong with being in shape. The only thing that's wrong with being in shape is if you're not in shape and you see a guy's in shape and you see a woman react to that guy in shape in a very

sexually attracted way, it makes you feel uncomfortable. So you want to pull the goalpost back. You want to make the game easier. You don't want to compete with this guy. And it starts with, like I always tell people, you know, first ask yourself, be honest with yourself, man. Sit there alone and ask yourself what you really want. I mean, ask yourself in detail. Then don't go, like if you have to get your PhD or something ridiculous, don't look at the top of the mountain. Just take an action every day. I don't care what it is, one little action.

And that's what I do. Like just keep taking it. It's like working out show up i don't give a shit if you start with five minutes when you show up to you develop momentum that's it when you start developing momentum the human being relies a lot on momentum it's a weird habit we're beasts of habit and momentum and when you that have a habit of working out all the time if i don't work out for a few days, I feel super uncomfortable. Me too.

I don't feel good. Me neither. You have to. You have to exercise on a regular, regular basis. And when you do that, you develop momentum. When I write a lot, I'm writing, I get on a momentous sort of a wave, and I feel good about it,

and it becomes a part of my habit. That's what you have to do, is give yourself positive habits. Yeah, positive habits. Positive habits. Success is a habit, by the way. yourself positive habits. Yeah, positive habits. Positive habits. Success is a habit, by the way. You're right. Yeah, be proud.

Be proud of getting work done. Be happy that you're getting work done. I mean, that is what you do. But, you know, a lot of people also, remember, you surround yourself with a lot of people who aren't happy for you. They're not actually your friends. But what they are is their comfort. They're creatures of comfort. They're not actually your friends.

And I think it's important. Sometimes you've got to change your fucking gang. You've got to change your fucking gang oh well one of the reasons why you and i were um such good friends when i met you it's like you were first of all you were the closest guy to me i've ever met in my life i was like holy shit here's this guy who's like exactly like me and you required nothing you like you you had no like what man you're not going to come to my birthday party you were there was not no creepy dummy shit in there and i had just gotten out of a friendship where i had to kick a guy out of my life because i was friends with him when i was broke and then once i got on television he got really fucking jealous and he said a lot of dumb

shit i asked him not to give away my phone number i said i have two phone numbers because i've always had like a media phone and a regular phone because when you do media like like you do radio shows they have to call you back and i want to have a phone where if i pull it out of the wall i don't give a fuck who calls you know so i have that phone so i said just do me a favor your friend who by the way just got out of a mental institution would you do me a favor and just give him my other phone? He doesn't fucking care about you, man, just because you're on TV. Your friend just got out of a mental institution.

He's fucking crazy. All I'm asking is if you're going to bring this crazy guy into my life by connection, give him the media phone. That's all. And he went in this, whoa, you think you're such a fucking badass because you're on TV? I'm like, what is this? What are you even talking about, man? I'm asking you not to give your crazy friend my number.

That's it. That's it. And all of a sudden, it has to become some attack on my success. And it wasn't even a big success. It was just a little part of a sitcom. But you remind them of what they're not doing. Exactly.

And I think a lot of people go into this notion of scarcity, this idea that there's only a certain amount of the pie, and if somebody else is doing well, I'm not going to do well. They're not even thinking that. All they're thinking about is themselves. They're not looking at it as this giant picture of resources. All they're doing is just like being a baby. All they're saying is, what about me?

I had a friend who got a part, and as he got a part, he got a part in a sitcom his girlfriend started crying What about me like this guy just got a part in a sitcom he was so happy He's like I can't believe I got it. I nailed the audition. I got it. I worked Don't date actresses. Actresses. It's part of the song. I have a very strict no headshots policy.

It's very important. I always steal that because I went through my headshots phase and I just stopped doing it. Yeah, you learn. You don't want to date anybody that's as fucked up as you are. That's it. That's the bottom line. I don't want to do it. I can manage my fucked up-edness. I don't want to introduce anybody that's as fucked up as you are. That's it. That's the bottom line. I don't want to date. I can manage my fucked up-edness.

I don't want to introduce yours into the equation as well. The other day on stage, I was talking about my daughter, and I was like, I just don't want her to date a guy like me. So I've got to play a character for the next 15 years. So she imprints on somebody different. Yeah, well, my friend said, what are you going to do if they start dating girls, or start dating boys?

I'm like, guess what? Girls like boys. That's it. Boys like girls, i'm the only thing you can do is this here's my philosophy it's good it's they're supposed to like girls and just girls are supposed to like boys instill them with the right values and a good mind they're gonna make their mistakes that's that's all you can do people are just afraid of their children by the way make sure if they're if they're looking up to a yoker like Kim Kardashian, just give them an alternative. They're not going to look up to that dummy. It's real simple.

If you don't fuck your kids up, if you raise them like they're friends and you talk to them and communicate with them, they're not going to be attracted to something as stupid as the life of Kim Kardashian. I remember watching you. There's humor in that. Yeah, I remember watching you with your first daughter and you would talk to her your first daughter and you were you would talk to her like an adult and when i would talk to her like this because i didn't i didn't know anything well we play you know i play with my kids yeah but i talk to them and i think kids know a lot more than you think they know you know i mean i i'm i'm down to play princess i'm down to pretend santa

claus is real i'm down for pretend but when it comes to emotions one of the first things i do whenever i catch them doing something wrong like they hate each other or yell at each other i always tell them that i did the same thing always like one of them bit her sister the other day i go i bit a little girl when i was five got in trouble bit some girl in her hand you know she was sticking her hand in my mouth i'm like fuck you bitch i bit her hand so i told you know her i might still do you know her after the first after the first three times you put your hand in your mouth on my mouth watching her little four-year-old eyes like look at me and realize that i used to be dumb and did a lot of like it wasn't just her daddy it wasn't just an adult at one point in time i was a little

child as well just like her and i was telling her like i very remember biting this girl and it was very traumatic i shouldn't have done it and the girl was mad and her mom was mad and i felt like an idiot you know and her mom's like why didn't you just slug her you didn't have to bite her i'm like i'm sorry i just felt like i didn't even break skin or anything it was just so dumb the worst the worst thing for me the worst times in my life i can always remember was when i was embarrassed do you tell your kids this? When somebody embarrassed me? Do you talk to your kids?

No, I haven't really. I haven't told my daughter that, who's old enough now to understand. Yeah, I do, man. I'm going to start. Anytime there's any sort of an issue, I think that's one of the most important things. The same with my stepdaughter. She's an old daughter. I've always done the same thing with her.

She's not, I mean, say stepdaughter. She's my daughter. And when I communicate. Well, that's what I was talking stepdaughter she's my daughter and when well that's what I was talking about when I saw you but when I communicate with her it's it's the same thing

it's always got to be that they're a human being well you're giving them the benefit of the doubt actually they have the same mind as we do they don't have context

yes exactly that's what it is with children and when you bring them into your world like that and you communicate with them then they'll bring you into their thoughts as well. It's amazing how much my four-year-old just opens up and talks to me about how she feels about things and what bothers her.

Do you think that you have a – I was just talking about this with – I just recorded something with Jay Moore on my podcast. I asked him if he had a primary question that runs through his mind every day. Do you think you wake up with a primary question? No? You don't have one overriding question no enjoy myself that's I know I think this is a journey I just think this is a ride I'm absolutely it's look it is it's temporary it's not gonna last I just want to enjoy myself I want to be amongst friends and have a good time have a good time doing my stand-up doing my work have a good time doing jujitsu

hanging out my boys at 10th planet and John John Machado's having a good time have a good time doing my stand-up doing my work have a good time doing jujitsu hanging out my boys at 10th planet and john jock machados having a good time driving around listening to music being nice to people yeah i feel like you know we're all a little too small in this giant universe to take ourselves too seriously well it's not there's no benefit in it there's no benefit in self-grandeur there benefit in self-grandeur. The benefit is in friendship. The benefit is in fun, laughter. I'm so psyched about you coming over here. We talked about this. Our families are together.

Brian's wife's here. We have the kids here. I've got steaks. We're going to play some music, listen to some music, and drink some wine. That's what life's about. That's what life's about. Life is about having fun. Didn't I say that to you?

I said we are going to mark our lives by the number of times we laughed with each other, and we're silly, and we're just surprising and shocking each other. That's what it's about, man. Stan Hope and I were on the phone the other day, and he was drunk. And he's like, you know, I could quit stand-up, but I couldn't quit stand-ups. He goes, I don't need to do comedy anymore. He goes, but I never want to stop hanging out with comics. because you know he and i were just on the phone we're just laughing and talking yeah and laughing and laughing he called me uh he was listening to the jamie

podcast jamie kilstein podcast in a in a van filled with other people like he was on on tour and he called me it sounded like a comedy club he goes i just want to tell you we're listening to you right now and everybody has something to say to you and then he like he holds up the phone and all the comics in the van are screaming and cheering and applauding oh that's great jamie kilstein has said some crazy shit about tosh shouldn't have said that rape joke and it's like he went captain feminist on people so stanhope called and then i call him back and we're just laughing and he's he's He's just so fun. That's the kind of human beings you're supposed to be in contact with.

Joey Diaz. Joey Diaz. Every time I'm hanging out with him. That's an original. What a stamp on life. That guy, he's just great. I mean, he looks over at UFC, and I'm sitting literally like six, ten chairs away. And he just leaves me and goes, no drama, cocksucker.

No drama. And everybody's like, who the fuck is that guy saying? I was like, no drama, and there's no drama cocksucker no drama everybody's like what the is that guy saying i was like no drama man no drama cocksucker we're doing an end of the world show with joey diaz doug stanhope me oh my god and a um a band called honey honey i'll be in the audience i'll tell you that much december 21st 2012. i'll be there in hollywood and it's going to be uh at the wilton theater i'll come on stage as you again. Ladies and gentlemen. Stan Hope is also coming to the Ice House this Friday night. If you're coming to the Ice House, we've got shows at the Ice House.

It's me, Joey Diaz, and Ari Shafir tonight and tomorrow. I'll be in Vegas. Doug Stan Hope's... Not tonight and tomorrow. What am I, retarded? Today's Wednesday. I don't even know what day it is. Friday night and Saturday night, sorry, at the Ice House. Friday night, Stan Hope's going to be here. tomorrow what am i retarded today's wednesday i don't even know what day it is i whoo friday night and saturday night sorry um at the ice house and friday night stanhope's gonna be here wish i could

i would come after i've never met stanhope and i'm a big oh really yeah i'd love to meet him he's a great guy he's the best i mean i so important he's so important to me he's like he's a real guy he's refreshing really doing it he's refreshing yeah and he's 100 legit he's a 100 legit hilarious headliner comedian who's just really into continuing to do that albeit occasionally reluctantly he's he's he's the real deal i was talking to jay moore today and uh and he i said you know he said what's your what's your definition of heaven i said to be honest with you man i think it's just being on stage and doing stand-up. I don't think I'll ever take time off away from you.

He's like, when are you going to retire? I think I'm going to be Don Rickles. I'll be 85 years old doing fucking stand-up because it's just so much fun. And what else would I be doing? Find me something else that's really fun. You want to go skydiving? Nah. If people still want to listen, I'll still be doing it.

And when they don't want to listen anymore, when you're doing like half-filled shows and the people are barely there, you're like, well, all right. Maybe it's time to pack it in. But then again, maybe it's time to go back to the drawing board and come up with new stuff. Oh, yeah. Well, it could be. Yeah, for sure. I mean, it could be that.

It could be a lapse. But for some people, it's the end. There's a lot of people that get fat. They just get fat in the brain. Yeah you got to keep feeding i always tell like young comics i'm like feed your brain it's important to read everything if you can or as much as you can you you and keep asking yourself the next question it's how you stay dynamic it's how your material will grow and it's how you will grow as a person you know one of the things i've been getting nothing with great feedback about this podcast i did with my dad.

Well, my dad's 72. What my dad continues to do and what I respect about him so much is he continues to grow. I watched this 72-year-old guy taking Italian and going to Italy for three weeks and throwing himself into Italian. When the fuck is he going to use Italian

yet he doesn't care he takes it? Reading these obscure things on quantum physics and stuff. He's just always growing. Well, because he doesn't care he takes it. Reading these obscure things on quantum physics and stuff, he's just always growing. Well, because he enjoys it. I think what people have to realize, the reason why that's shocking to people is most people feel like there's a destination. Well, I'm going to reach retirement.

When I reach retirement, then I'm going to change. There is just now. There is just life. And you should think about the future, but your primary concern should be now it should be life and what do you enjoy doing do you enjoy learning things do you enjoy reading do you enjoy isolation tanks or fucking hikes or workouts grow that stuff yeah and by the way here's something for people to say well i can't do that because i got to put money food on the

table for my kids you'll set very, very good example to your children if you're following your dream and what you're supposed to be doing. Children pick up on that. They can pick up on whether you're doing drudgery or you're doing something inspiring for yourself, and it'll make your household better, in my opinion. That's easy for me to say, by the way, because I'm not having to pay bills all the time,

so I don't want to be too disrespectful to people who are actually trying to just make some money and figure their shit out. But just keep in the back of your mind that, you know, just find something you like to do. Some people get an easy ride in this life. We all know this. Some people get really lucky and they get an easy ride in this life. But that doesn't usually last.

Most of the people who get an easy ride, if they don't earn it, they wind up fucking it up. That's true. Almost always. That's very true. easy ride if they don't earn it they wind up fucking it up that's true almost always that's very true and your ride is different than anybody else's ride as my ride is different from anybody else's ride but you gotta accept that instead of being mad at other people's rides you gotta only look at what you're dealt what is the hand you're dealt move from there don't worry about this guy who's fucking rich prick he's born into a fucking rich house. His dad's a fucking banker. He's got all this money. Kid thinks he's a... That is not your concern, okay? That guy's got his own problems. If

you concentrate on him and hate on him, that is wasted resources. What you should be concentrating on is what hand were you dealt? You know, well, I'm not so good at math, but you know what? I think I want to be a rapper. Be rapper work concentrate on yourself concentrate on what or and please remember also this is so important as i get older this is there's no doubt about this anybody you admire who's really good at something whether it's the drums jiu jitsu math whatever please know this they've put in at least 10 years of really hard work. Not always. No, but I'm saying that... Some people are prodigies. Sure, but anything that you want to get good at,

you're going to have to put daily practice into and should always do it for the sake of the practice, not the result. You get just as much... Somebody said, well, I don't know, by the time I get my psychology degree, I don't know if I get...

Look, you're going to be... While you're trying to get your psychology degree, you're going to be, while you're trying to get your psychology degree, you're going to be meeting people you want to be around who are dynamic and interesting because they're going to be doing the same thing you're doing. So the fun starts almost right away. Yeah. Well, people just get scared about long-term goals

and long-term commitments. It's like, just keep working. You're going to keep working anyway on something, right? Are you just going to stop moving? Are you going to work on feeding yourself? You're going to fucking move forward. Tim Ferriss said something interesting in his book. He goes, my goals, I don't set these 10-year goals.

I set 3-month goals, 6-month goals, 9-month goals, 12-month goals. That's a good way to do it. You can get a lot done in 3 months. Just something simple. I don't set any goals. Never. Never set goals. I set objectives

like as far as like what i want to get done in days during the day but i my goal is to be doing what i want to do and i'm already doing that oh yeah but you've always so i don't have any goals but you've always had very clear notions i'm talking to you you'll go i remember you going on my own tv show my own tv channel i remember you saying that before the podcast then you were like i'm gonna do a podcast so you get these ideas and the difference between you is that once you get an idea like that's like once you're into something whether it's a video game or a sport you're in you're a cuckoo bird about it fucking cuckoo like i'm like what are you doing he goes i i just finished practicing quake for 15 hours i fainted i'm like well you know how about i'll do it for an hour and 15 minutes 15 hours i fainted

i didn't get any water that's you well i grew up uh completely obsessed with martial arts and that that mindset of uh the the practice of martial arts which was defining for me, which made me a human being, was the first thing I was ever really good at, that became the way I lived my whole life. I lived a life like you're about to do the most dangerous thing you could ever possibly imagine, so you have to be obsessed with it to get really good at it. I can't half-ass something.

You're crazy. But why did you think you would be good at stand-up? Were you a class clown? I didn't. I didn't think I was going to be good at stand-up. I didn't like half-ass something. I'd get crazy. But why do you think you would be good at stand-up? Were you a class clown? I didn't. I didn't think I was going to be good at stand-up. I didn't either. I didn't either. I had a very specific idea that the only people that laughed at me were the people that were

these sick fucks that I trained with. Because those are the people that taught my friend Ed Shorter and my friend Steve Graham. Steve Graham is still one of my best friends to this day. When I was a little kid, I used to make everybody laugh at the taekwondo school i would do these impressions of my instructor having sex with one of the students you know i never did any of that i would do it like you know in their you know in the voice and and with their accent and and it would be like one of our friends was your instructor you're currently we want that blue belt was he k? Yeah. Well, it wasn't that guy.

It was another guy that I actually made fun of who was like more of an assistant. My instructor was Korean, and we really respected him. He's amazing, still an amazing guy, one of the most influential people in my life. But I used to call fellow students as him. I'd be like, hello, you know, as a child. My friends would freak. They'd be like, hi, sir, how are you? Like, why is he calling me?

He never called anybody. We definitely have that in common that we used to do impressions of people that we knew. Yeah, that's like the first kind of humor. You recognize something goofy that someone does, and so you repeat it. And then I would put them in ridiculous scenarios. But my first comedy came from high school.

When I was in high school, I was not a funny kid. I was a much more troubled kid than I was funny. But I was an artist. And when no one was around, I would go into Mr. Hallman's class. Mr. Hallman was this really wacky science teacher. He was really fucking crazy. And I knew how to draw him.

I always forget that you're a really good drawer. I always forget that. Oh, yeah. I wanted to be a comic book artist. Wow. I dedicated a lot of time. And it was one high school teacher that sucked, that completely turned me off to it. I was like, I can't do it.

Thank God for him. Yeah, thank God for that guy. Maybe not. I mean, I would have enjoyed being an artist. Maybe I wouldn't have had to be so... Yeah, but I can't see you sitting at a drafting table all day. Yeah, maybe. Maybe, I don't know.

I don't know. I enjoyed it, though. I really enjoyed illustrations. What was my point? By the way, illustrations are hypnotic, aren't they? I mean, you can paint all day. Like, I know painters who said, this guy, I can't remember his name. You're going to make me go off track.

Mr. Hallman. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. I just have to remember this. So what I would do, my first stab at humor was I would draw pictures of this dude on the board. Like pictures of him butt-fucking other students. And then there was a guy named Mr. White who was this really short dude who just got back from Vietnam and he was fucking crazy. And Mr. White, I always drew him standing on a chair or standing on a stool i always drew him

standing on top of something and he was always screaming about nam you know and uh people would fucking howl and i would put it on the chalkboard i got suspended because i drew the spanish teacher spanish teacher wore like a ton of make like unbelievable amounts of makeup like like a clown and then i drew her like her face with all the makeup and then i drew a werewolf this is her without makeup and it was really good like fangs the first slobber the first time i knew you were really funny before i'd even seen you do stand up we were at the ufc and and you were sitting there and we were on a bus we were going we were going back being shuttled back something and this is like back in the day when randy couture like had his first fight literally yeah yeah and and i remember uh somebody goes well jo are you gonna do tonight because and you were like I think I'm

gonna get in a horse stance push my balls into my body and read Nietzsche with a bandana around my head intense to yeah there's a lot of dudes who thought they could do that they thought they could pull their balls into their body dude I used to try... What are you talking about? There's nobody who was more obsessed... The only person more obsessed with martial arts than you was me. Can you pull your balls anywhere?

I can't do any movement with my balls. No, you can't do that. You have to push them in. Have you ever tried tantra? You ever tried, like, squeezing your... You're strengthening your cum muscles so you don't let any come out? Yeah, yeah.

Does that work? Can you make it stronger? Look, it's what every guy does who doesn't cum right away okay that's what the fuck it's called maturity it's learning how to i remember being younger and just fucking i i the minute i smelled a girl i'd come i'd be like oh fucking god don't move out too late isn't there some sort of a physiological benefit to not orgasming and letting your body like assimilate the well the idea there is there the idea is that fighters the samurai the idea is that you can boost your testosterone and apparently the semen goes up your spine not true at all not true at all but believe me i believed it and used to say it for years i remember in tech i know we used to

not we'd go like two weeks without like you know jerking off or getting laid and it would just make you really feel really aggressive i wouldn't do that i tried it well on fight science on fight science john brangus that that show they they had guys not have sex for like a week or something and they measured their testosterone and then they had them like calm and stuff and and there was no difference they actually that's they actually have tested a difference scientifically fight science is not the they're talking they don't they've shown there's a physiological difference but it only lasts for seven days after seven days it normalizes okay but for seven days you get a higher level of testosterone it's like your body's like come on last chance to not be a let's go get some

come on come on let's go get some come on i would think that your body's producing more testosterone to develop to build sperm but then again i'm come on. I would think that your body's producing more testosterone to develop, to build sperm. But then again, I'm not a fucking doctor. Yeah, I think it's also to increase your competitive drive in order to get some more pussy. It's like your body recognizes that you haven't scored, you haven't tried to reproduce. So because you haven't tried to reproduce, your body's like, listen, let's fucking amp this gorilla up and get him fired up about this. And it's probably getting you ready to fight in case another male comes along yeah yeah yeah because because pussy scarce like in alaska or boston where hopefully you and i will be yeah we're gonna go you're

going mother well listen i'm going i'm coming i'm coming i'm coming hunting with you and i and let's let's let's let's move this conversation over to to a little show called pig man holy shit talk about that weaponry by the way 40 of them i talked to ranella about an e if i can hates that show steve ranella who's the guy who's the host of meat eater he is they're in helicopters dude but he's a fair chase hunter i mean he's what he does is everything he does is like stalking he stalks his prey he doesn't wait in tree stand with a pile of food laying there and then blow them yeah And then blow them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's who we're going with? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm coming. Oh, he's an animal. You know I'm going to be there. Yeah, you got to go. He's a great guy, too. A very intelligent guy. He's not like your typical, you know, oh, just like hunting. You know, he's a guy who, it's very sacred to him.

The whole, like he went to a ranch once. They put him in a tree stand. And then he said, well well at 6 a.m the deer come around because that's when we that's when the feeders open up and he realized there was electronic feeders he's like i can't do this he wouldn't do it whereas like ted nugent just fucking launches arrows through those pictures yeah i mean that's literally target practice it's basically pigs it's actually domesticated pigs that became feral well the pig man shows different i mean this is they're actually they're actually quitting the that area of a pest yeah they have a real problem and they give the

meat to like poor people yes yes yes they give the meat to needy families and it's good meat it's good it's wild pork it's delicious yeah but the uh the pigs are a huge problem they destroy crops yeah they uh they spread disease too they spread disease and when they plant the seeds they go in they root They pull the seeds out of the ground and eat the seeds pigs will eat anything and they're fucking huge So they have to eradicate them. So in Texas, it's legal to hunt them from a They just taking these fucking pigs out while the pigs are running. They're blowing their brains out and the pigs do flips. They killed 200 pigs plus and 10 coyotes on one show.

I like coyotes. Why would you like coyotes? Because. Could you imagine if your baby was outside by itself and a coyote came along? How do you think that would work? My baby's not outside. How do you think that would work? How do you think that would work? I love those questions. A coyote you think that i love i love those questions eat your baby listen every coyote do you want lions near your baby

himself every coyote that ever lived i will put a bullet in his brain if i catch no no i have great pack structures they're good good hunters baby eating suckers each and every one of them people make up anything to kill to kill something like they eat babies i have proof leave a baby alone coyote coyote show where we kill guys called baby killing baby killers that would be a satisfying show if you just left a baby in a pen in the middle of the street and the coyotes just come around and you pick them off with sniper rifles like hey he deserves it this motherfucker was gonna eat the baby the baby he. He's coming for the baby.

What do you want me to do here? Oh, that's good. Yeah, I'm not into coyotes, man. Look, when your dog gets eaten by a mountain lion, you have a different perspective. Get a pit bull. To me, it hit. Get a pit bull. Oh, I haven't had those before.

Yeah, pit bulls are great. How about when you come home and one of them killed the other one? Oh, God. Yeah, that was a lot of fun. My living room was a puddle of blood. That the dog i told you to adopt yeah she was a coffee table yeah she was a killer coffee table with teeth she was a crocodile with a with foot long legs she was actually a crocodile she she had a crocodile head she was clearly a half crocodile sweetest dog ever i called you i go hey loved her this one we were completely retarded i was like

hey get down here now i knew because i could adopt him because i had a i go hey i loved her this one we were completely retarded i was like hey get down here now i knew because i couldn't adopt him because i had a i had a female she was so sweet and you were like i'm taking her that dog loved me that was the problem she loved me and she didn't want the other dogs around because they would get some of my love she was devastating too huh when she fight she would fight to the death she was ready to fight to the death over you petting did you ever fight frank oh yeah only people fight other man like male females fight they fought yeah it's bad it was bad i had to i had to put them both down yeah i put frank down too you get tired of that shit right they both tried to kill each other it was horrible it was and i couldn't trust him frank was like devastated after it was over she

won she beat the male she did yep yeah i left him for dead he was all fucked up oh really he was in the hospital for weeks yeah yeah i never i never thought that they would fight i never thought the She did? Yeah. Yeah, I left him for dead. He was all fucked up. Oh really? He was in the hospital for weeks. Yeah. Oh man. Yeah, I never thought that they would fight. I never thought the male and the female. I would separate the females, but I never thought the male would fight with the female.

And they fought, you know what they fought over? The pool guy. The pool guy came over to clean the pool. And they started barking? They were petting. The pool guy pet one of them and she would fight Frank if she wasn't getting pet. Yeah, well she got fucked up, man, when she was in that pen or in the pound for a while. She was fucked up because it was one of those shelters

where they didn't kill the animal. They kept the animal all around, and she was a fighting dog before that. So she was a fighting dog, and then all of a sudden she's in the pound, and then all of a sudden she's at this house, and this guy's super sweet to her and loves her and pets her and feeds her food,

and she said, these other dogs, you better get the fuck away from them. Yeah, I don't want to lose this. Yeah, yeah, and it was... She would have been a great pet by her her own but with other dogs she's too crazy alone usually that's my experience i've always had i had i had two pit bulls for years and i've had different sets of them and they just they just try to kill each other i got so good

i got so good at getting like choking them out yeah off each other i mean but i just i'd they'd be fighting and one time I was on a date and piggy and my my my my fucking German German Shepherd this working dog this badass fucking dog okay that I like found this kennel it was like long line of just nothing but IPO and shoots on sport dogs this dog was a fucking wolf and by the way had knockout drag out fights with my dog Piggy, who was a pure pit bull and a fighting dog. And this dog held her own no problem. Meanwhile, I'm on a date.

What do you mean? Why would you let them find out? How do you know that they helped their own? I thought they were two females. Were you there when it happened? Oh, dude, what would happen was I'd come home, and it looked like Vietnam. There'd be fur everywhere, blood everywhere. And they'd both be like, and basically half dead.

I'd rush them to the vet. They'd be like, that'll be $5,000. Yeah, they're all cut up. I was like, literally. And so when they'd fight sometimes, I was on a date with this girl, beautiful girl, I remember. And all of a sudden I just hear,

and I come running out. And all I think is vet bills. And they'd just gotten out of their cones. They used to walk around. They looked like Nixon and a baseball combined. they literally just looked through jowls and like stitches oh because they had you what you're saying is they swole up swell up they had to shave them and then they'd have these crazy stitches on these shaved heads and necks and just swollen with these jowls it was awful the jowls because their face i'd have to train it

they had other fucking pills and they were in these cones and knocking everything over and and so they get in the fight and i was i was in the front yard for 20 minutes trying to break them up because i choke one off then that one would lose consciousness and then the other one would get get a hold of it and i have to choke that one i'm the other one we're getting kind of 20 minutes and my hands after and my buddy came home bob my buddy came home and actually helped me break them up. 20 minutes later, we're all fucked up. My hands were so, I'd been trying to fight him so badly. I was literally fighting for my life.

In the future. My hands didn't work for a week. Well, you're a pussy. Garden hose. Ah, dude, what? Separate some right away. Oh, really? Yeah.

Tried it many times with my dogs, and they were like, ah, this is just cooling us down. In their face? In their mouth. Really? In their mouth. Guess what? I talked to the trainer. He goes, yeah, sometimes when you do that,

some dogs think that the other dog is doing it to them, and so they fucking go harder. Yeah, I had both those dogs. Did you have a break stick? It didn't matter because they'd be holding on to each other. Do you remember when we went to that guy's house? He raised fighting pit bulls and you got one of his puppies?

Yeah, because the advertisement said, this is how retarded Joe and I were. The advertisement said, pit bulls, there's no bull in our pits, bred right out of the box. Joe and I were like, fighting dog! We're in your stupid,

like, re-impossibly fast Acura or some shit and we're just, we drive forever out there. This guy's clearly a dog fighter slash criminal slash whatever. No doubt. Serial killer. And I buy this dog even as a puppy. It wouldn't let go of your shoelaces.

And it really looked like a beagle. It was really weird. It was a small dog. Yeah. So anyway, Brian can't take this dog. He has the dog for a little while, but it's just too much work. He's really irresponsible. So he gives the dog to his friend on the farm and then what does the dog do well my friend called me and goes hey bro your dog's no longer with us i go what he goes yeah i

had to shoot it i said why he goes oh i don't know well let's see got a hold of the baby cow um and then uh well no i'm sorry let me start start again. It killed one goat, then another goat, and that goat got caught up in its rope and then started bleeding as it died. And then the cow started mooing, so the dog was like, oh, a baby cow, grabbed onto that. Then the German shepherd came out to protect the cow, and your dog broke both its legs, okay, its pine legs. And he said, and I had a a 55 pound dog that looked like it was

100 pounds it was so full of blood it was just it was just so swollen with blood lust and he said i'd never seen anything like it he couldn't get it off then then after the german shepherd goes back to the cow the baby cow so my buddy is trying to get it off the baby cow yeah you have to you have a real responsibility when you have a dog like that those dogs they have too too much of a history of Blood lust it's too hard for them to break great with people to great watchdogs But you know on wheels with four four legs They're great with people you just if you have a dog like that you have to have it in a secure yard and you have To be with it all the time because otherwise you got a monster you use them to hunt boar or fight other dogs

That's what pimples by the way. That's also pig man. You ever see when they hunt them that way? They hold them down with their dogs and then they cut the thing's neck. And they cut the throat, yeah. It's not as crazy as watching the helicopter shit. The helicopter thing was insane. It's a whole show, too. It's a whole half hour show. Those are military style weapons.

Those are like, he's talking about this is an M4 with a fully automatic. I was like, oh, all right. When they hit the pigs and the pigs were running and then they would do the somersaults when they would like brain them and then the pigs would go face down into the mud and flip it's pretty nuts man one pig they get to this one pig this giant boar and he turns stops running and faces the helicopter like face down the helicopter look at this motherfucker no way they opened up on them and then you see them twitching and kicking and they got them in the water some of them went in the water and as they're in the water you see their heads explode in the water

like this is the most carnage I have ever seen on television and this is crazy to watch you know and they're they're rednecks so they're hooting and a holler and while they're you know like pittsburgh was like people things it should be illegal it should be illegal not to do it yeah he's not exactly a middle-of-the-road guy you don't kill a hundred pigs before breakfast you're a communist just fucking shooting shooting at the matter this he was having a great time yeah he's like if I was too many bullets mrs. Nugent will divorce me I was in Portugal and I saw a bullfight and I was surprised at my own reaction I got really mad at how

they were treating that bull it made me feel really bad for the bull and I was fucking actively rooting for it to kill one of those guys well they do on every now and then yeah they do did the last one when the guy had I don't like to hurt you as I kill it just shoot it you know don't hurt it you've seen the horn where the horn goes through the guy's eye that's the craziest shit i've ever seen in my life oh by the way he i think i believe he came back and fought like couldn't fight anymore but he fought a symbolic uh thing and they were all cheering for jesus that's a badass if you want to read the definitive book on bull fighting and it's really worth it it's called death in the afternoon by by ernest hemingway one of the guys it's an amazing book one guy had it through his mouth through his lower jaw

and coming out of his mouth yep that those guys that's a badass that's a badass sport i will say it's not a sport yeah it's a crazy custom that you couldn't invent today it's one of those things like circumcision where you could invent it today do Do you know that it's a law in Spain? You're not allowed to approach a fighting bull on foot as a human being. You have to approach it either on bicycle or in a car or on a motorcycle. Why? Because those fighting bulls are smart enough. They watch how you move, and they learn very quickly.

They learn very quickly how. So the first time a bull in a ring sees a man, it's the first time he's ever seen a man on two feet feet so he's not he doesn't know how it moves yeah and there's a whole thing that they do with that you know yeah that's important you don't want to have that an even fight did you know you know they used to pit lions and also bears on with bulls bear baiting guess guess who won guess who won every one of those fights pit bulls no the bulls i mean the bulls when they'd have bulls against a lion or Bulls against a bear Oh Bulls Bulls won every time Bulls beat lions Every time Jesus every fucking time. That's what Hemingway says and they

You're not you're not fucking with a with they can lift a horse Speaking of which speaking of which did you see the YouTube video of the bull elephant that took the Mack truck, got under it with his tusks because he was mad at the Mack truck because he fell out of it, and flipped that shit over? He fell out of the truck. Yeah, they were trying to load him on the truck, I guess, and he fell out of it and was like, fuck this. And he got under that Mack truck, and it's a real Mack truck and flipped it and so turned right over on its side so if you have any questions about how strong and by the way they weigh 10 000 pounds a bull elephant weighs 10 000 pounds ladies and gentlemen jesus christ is that big enough for you i wonder who would win an elephant or a bull and they're really smart you can train them to do all kinds of crazy

well what's really smart about them is their memory. They can see another elephant, which all looks the same to us, but they don't see it for 10 years, and then they run into it. They run towards each other and hug each other. They can do that with humans, too. That's crazy, man.

They know who you are, and they don't like certain people. And I was in the San Diego Zoo, and I was watching them. We paid extra to go and see them, how they clean them, and how they teach them to give them your hoof so you can check them and stuff. But they always have a barrier.

No joke. There's no video. Is there a... There's got to be. Yeah, there's no... Put elephant, I think, flipping Mack truck or something. Yeah, that's what I just put in. Or flipping truck.

Elephant versus truck. Elephant. I just put in. Or flipping truck. Elephant versus truck. Elephant. I had to do it for, I did it for TruTV.

They sent it to me. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, what is it? They sent me the DVD. What is TruTV? It was like a show or something? I do this thing called

World's Dumbest. Like World's Dumbest. Oh, like one of those VH1 things where you make fun of people? Yeah, they just have comments, like make comments and stuff. That stuff's on the way out. You think so?

Yeah, TV's on the way out. It's doing well, though. All those silly shows are on the way out. What do you think is going to replace it? The internet. Yeah. Yeah. What's that mean for us?

I don't know. It means that our podcast, Man Thoughts at Brian Callen. I've got to come up with t-shirts. That's what you're calling it now? Man Thoughts? Yeah, Man Thoughts. You changed it from the Brian Callen Show to Man Thoughts? Yeah, I can label it now.

Oh, you couldn't label it the Brian Callen Show before? Yeah, not as much. This is more specific, and it's kind of what I think about. And Man Thoughts can comprise a lot of different things. But I'm trying to think of what... I've got to make some T-shirts that I would wear. Because, you know, I don't know. And not that I even want to sell them. I'm'm just gonna like i'm particular about my t-shirts how about just

little tiny cocks all over there you go little tiny ones a sea how about an image an image really cool image an image of ronald reagan but it's all made out of cocks no i should have called my podcast cocks cocks yeah or just dick that's a funny name for a company dick but doesn't um someone has dick house or something yeah that's uh it's johnny knoxville yeah yeah yeah my buddy uh my buddy's doing a movie with him yeah you can get away with that it's weird like you could i watched uh cnn the other day and there was uh there's a band in Russia called Pussy Riot. Pussy Riot. And Pussy Riot broke into a church.

Yeah, they got arrested. They got arrested. Two years in jail. Yeah, they got sentenced to two years in jail. And so everybody was having a demonstration, and they had these giant signs that said, Free Pussy Riot. And here CNN is showing this on cnn and i'm sitting in front of the tv

and these giant signs say free pussy riot and i'm like wow that's hilarious like what a weird loophole by the way they because they called it pussy riot yeah they have to they have to show what these guys are that's blatantly obscene yeah it is but you pussy right but it's on the news you know i was on a plane one time and the guy started having an argument with the stewardess before we took off all of a sudden he's just saying he's not being a dick he's just saying some things like well i'm not trying to cause a problem here you know it's like oh there's a i'm gonna cause a riot whatever and so next thing you know marshals are on the plane they take him off the plane what's going

on well you're not allowed to use the word riot um there's certain we have certain trigger words that we have to report uh because you could have been a terrorist you were trying to incite violence and this is the kind of fucking bureaucratic shit we deal with jesus that's what happens when you have these blanket laws and these absolute rules it's like there's too many fucking laws oh there's too too much ridiculous you know how many pages the and i'm reading a book about it i think it's not a bad not such a bad law there's a lot to like about it but you know how many pages the obamacare act is you know how many pages when you get the bill 2400 no who who reads it nobody thank you that's a good and especially you don't read you also don't

read the clauses you put in there um who reads reads it uh the the a handful of reporters from the new york post who put out a book called landmark that i'm reading now that really explains what the obamacare bill does and what it means for us wasn't that the thing about bills that they they'll sneak shit in that has almost nothing to do with the name of the bill just so that they can get it in stuff they've been trying to get in before yes my father said the best thing about it my father said washington he spent a lot of time on capitol hill and he said and this is a podcast he goes washington is in the business of intent what that means is that you have a bill you want to create universal health care you want to do whatever you These are good ideas. That is the intention. What happens with a Goliath, a Goliath like the federal government, is

that there are so many vested interests that find their way into that law. So if you want me to vote for it, that's fine. You've got to do something for my constituency, which means I've got to put this clause in page 500. Nobody's going to read it anyway. Don't worry about it. Before you know it, that law that passed, just like the marijuana laws, there is a cottage industry that grows up around those laws that have a vested interest in keeping that law no matter whether it makes sense or not. That's what happens. All of a sudden, everybody's drinking out of the government trough. It comes down to a very simple question. It's not Republican or Democrat.

This is why you say, do you want the majority of our resources in Washington under this massive roof, or does it make sense to spread the resources somewhere else? That's the big question. And I happen to believe it's better to keep resources out of Washington because something that big can't help but create waste. The real problem is you can't untangle it now. It's so far-fucked. Everybody's got their hand in.

Yeah. Do you know the kind of tax breaks pharmaceutical companies get because they own the FDA? Nobody else can break into the drug business. You know why? Because they own the scientists basically that say, yay or nay it takes what 12 or 13 years to get a drug patent you've got to go through all the tests and their their

scientists go wait a minute you've got to be very careful they all take money from pfizer etc yeah of course well that's what we were talking about before the podcast when it came to our hemp force protein it's we have to buy all of our hemp in Canada because the pharmaceutical companies have bribed these fucking corrupt politicians and made sure that it's illegal. The federal government by the way, the state government voted for it and the whole thing is supposed to be that states are allowed to make their own laws. The federal government is not supposed to interfere with things along these lines and they don't give a fuck.

They'll put you in jail if you just grow hemp, which is a cousin of marijuana. Let me tell you another story that's really interesting. A friend of mine, unfortunately, has pancreatic cancer. I lost my other friend to it about three months ago, but suddenly my friend's mom, stepmom, has it. And she went to a doctor. The doctor gave her a chemo protocol, just like what my friend was given a chemo protocol.

And these are very good doctors at a very well-renowned hospital. And the drugs cost a fortune. It wasn't working that well. They finally get into the most famous doctor in the world for pancreatic cancer at UCLA, whose chemo protocol extends a lot of lives, way beyond what you're supposed to with pancreatic cancer at UCLA whose chemo protocol is extends a lot of lives way beyond what you're supposed to with the pancreatic cancer he he said basically he said why are you on this he said he said he said oh I'm going to change your chemo and it's going to be a lot cheaper and they said what do you mean he said well Eli Whitney put out a something that

cost $30,000 a year but it was the exact same thing as the generic drug or whatever the other chemo was that was $300 a year. But Eli Whitney claimed it was better. So every doctor to this day, and I'm going to just follow me, every doctor to this day prescribes the Eli Whitney drug, which is 30 times more expensive. Now, ready? The Eli Whitney was challenged in court. This doctor was one of the people to say, it's bullshit. It is actually not as effective. This one, which is much cheaper, it's been around much longer, it's just as effective. Eli Whitney paid a fine for it.

It was worth it to Eli Whitney to pay that fine and be dishonest because people still, they're not following all the tort laws and they're not following all the cases doctors all over the country still prescribe the eli whitney drug even though even though it is not as good as the one they could because they don't know anybody better because they thought because eli whitney hired this huge marketing campaign they thought that's the drug to do now the real problem is that nobody calls them on it that's right well if even if you do it costs them 20 million dollars when they make billions of dollars so so again these are massive companies that that don't really that have you know have basically hired who they want to defend them and behave inappropriately i'm being i'm not saying all big pharma's bad i'm not saying

everybody's there i think anytime you have four major players and nobody can get into your fucking industry it's not good for capitalism it's not capitalism it's not a free market and it's not good for our health and it's not good for humanity as a whole so there that's what it is the real problem is how do you untangle it i mean there's so much money invested in keeping government there's only one way exactly the way there's only one way how is that you got to starve government. Now, that's where the libertarian notion of the Cato Institute basically says there's responsible tax law, you have to have some taxes, but the only way we're ever going to get out of this and not become Western Europe or worse is by starving that massive leviathan of resources.

Yeah, it is a problem when you create a bunch of different government jobs. There's a lot of people that rally to keep drugs illegal, and one of them is the unions that control guards. Prison guard unions. Prison guard unions, and they spend a lot of money from their dues that they get from their workers in order to keep drug laws the same because that's what keeps them working. And what's bolstering the argument is not a philosophy it is self-interest yes absolutely self-interest and it's scary that that works it's scary that

that would be allowed it's scary that that doesn't prompt some i mean if you were an insider trading guy and you just knew that some company was about to go under and you got rid of your stock, you could go to fucking jail for that. How come you can't go to jail for that? How come you can't go to jail because you're working to keep drug laws, which everybody has shown are ridiculous, and most people believe are completely ridiculous despite the massive amount of propaganda.

What you do, the way you do it, is you get yourself informed, get yourself informed, get yourself organized. And what happens is it takes a long time, but pretty soon more and more people start to say, even if I don't smoke weed, this is a ridiculous law that's put so many people in jail for a long, long time. Not only at taxpayer expense, it's ruined families and everything else.

And when are we going to come to our senses and realize that this should not be illegal? And if you get enough people behind a politician, things start to change. The way you do it, though, is through information. And also, my biggest problem with government now is I don't feel like I'm represented. I just feel like... Well, you're not. Yeah. No one is anymore.

I mean, Obama's not even represented. That's where special interests are. That's the problem. They're supposed to cancel each other out, and they're not. Yeah, him as a human, he's not represented. I don't think that guy has any say in what the fuck happens. I really don't. I think the whole thing is completely ridiculous.

Well, he can't do a thing without Congress. I mean, you know, that's not necessarily bad. I mean, but you don't necessarily want a president to have too much power. But the president sets the agenda. And the president's responsibility is always to set the agenda. But also, at the end of the day, there are a lot of decisions where he's presented with six different options from six different interest groups. And he's got to make a decision and piss off the other five. Yeah, but he's – don't show in and piss off the other five yeah but he's don't

don't chew in front of the camera bro that's disgusting i know i got i got i looked at that pickle and i was like you can't do that you can't chew in a microphone i know it's a little the united states won't won't tolerate it they won't take that it's probably an essay trade act this uh this william binney is this guy who's the nsa mathematician that i was telling you about earlier um i've been obsessed with this guy since we have had David semen on on Monday. Who's a congressional candidate? in Florida and This former NSA director after 9-11. This guy is a mathematician, you know one of the world's renowned mathematicians and

what he did was create a method for the government to uh track dangerous individuals and track people and and and but it turned out that the government just used it openly on everyone and so he had to leave what a surprise they just decided to just literally every phone call that you make, if this guy's correct, and he is the guy who fucking coded this shit, if every phone call that you make, every text message you make, every email you make goes into a database, and the government is in Utah building a gigantic structure that will literally house everything you do, say, watch online, all your internet history, all that shit will be stored. watch online all your internet history all that shit will be stored so if they ever want to just anything they want to know about you anything all they have to do is just pull that shit up guys if you want if you want to see somebody who really sat around and thought about this stuff and made the argument for why that's not good just youtube milton friedman well let's before that before that let's not get people confused let's let's have people just check out this story.

And the guy's name is Benny. B-I-N-N-E-Y. And just go and read up on this. Because this alone is going to fuck with your head. And what are they doing out there? It's important. Chopping wood? No.

You hear that banging? Yeah. It's like someone's got a drum. Fucking wives. That's probably what it is. Don't you think they could keep the kids from banging on a drum in the hallway? No, that's passive-aggressive shit right there, buddy. That's what that is.

They don't like the fact that we're in here having fun while they're out there with the kids screaming. You know what my mother used to do to get my father to get back to my dad? For years, the household I grew up in, my dad would always travel and pain in the ass, a lot of pressure and everything else. My mother would, she'd always have part of the house being worked on by men. She'd just have part of the house always not in repair. Women love that shit. And my father would be in a bad mood. He wouldn't know why.

My mother's like, oh, I'm just having the kitchen redone for the second time. Yeah, always. They love doing that. They love it. They love, like, changing things. Well, because they're not, they don't have, yeah. Change the walls. They're nesting.

Yeah, exactly. It's different. Like, you could live in a log cabin easy right what me when i was in college it was three guys okay we didn't do the dishes for one month we had we had sprouts growing out of the drain for real okay finally then my girlfriend came over she was like so appalled she goes i have to clean this i can't take. I can't be around here. It smells like a greenhouse. Yeah. I mean, you know, guys are pigs. Folks, so this Benny guy, you've got to, there's YouTube videos if you don't want to sit and read something. National Security Agency, whistleblower, William Benny. Look into that because this is, we've turned a corner in our society where it's an us-against-them shit, and it shouldn't be. And remember also that every totalitarian state and every state that took control and power over people used national security and domestic security and the threat of terrorism, etc., as an excuse to take away your liberty.

It's so old school. It's always been done. I would think that that generation had already moved out of business. I hate to think that the generation coming up is going to go business as usual because in my mind, this generation, the generation that's of age of adult age now grew up with the internet and that generation is a different group of human beings vastly vastly different than anybody that grew up in the 60s or 70s it's a completely different animal thomas jefferson said that the price of freedom is eternal vigilance and part of part of that what

he's trying to say i think think, in a lot of ways, is that you may have your freedom, but just know that it can be taken away from you a lot faster than you think. So you've got to be very aware of the signs. That's why you read history.

It gives you perspective and you can recognize patterns and destructive patterns and destructive modes of thought. Right, but nobody saw this coming. Nobody saw the ability to do this coming. saw it coming and there are a lot of them monitoring their dnsa had mathematicians there are a lot of people there are a lot of people that saw this coming that i talked to but the fact that it's already going on unless william

binney had stepped out by the way they broke into his house and stuck a fucking gun in his face too the fbi came into his house and raided it. And he never did anything wrong. I bet. Didn't do anything wrong. The whole thing is crazy. We have just a really fucking creepy corrupt government. Being in control of that which governs you, which is what our country

is based on, has always been a very tenuous, fragile arrangement. And it's got to be defended every minute of the day. They just need to stop. We need to stop. We need to have new people in government.

And with the new transparency that exists because of the internet, you're going to be able to still run things. But you can't run things as corrupt as they've been running forever. And everybody just wants to keep doing it. It's like we were talking about circumcision or bullfighting or anything that's ridiculous that's old. It's in nature's government. It's not people. The bigger it becomes, government needs a job.

And what is that job? To either tax or pass laws. Both of them are coercive measures. You are going to have the bigger government grows, the more history shows you. The bigger government grows, the more power they get over you as an individual. Just pick up a history book, man. Yeah, but is there a way to pull it back? That's the question. That's the biggest question. That's the biggest question. There's a way to run things. There's a way where people pay a fair amount. There's a way where we keep a real military that keeps us from ever being at the mercy of an evil dictator or an evil country.

Is there a way to do that and still be a good country and still not be completely and totally corrupt? Yes. Or is – Yes, you educate yourself and you get informed. I'll stop with the educate yourself. That's not going to stop them from running over you. You don't have that much power. You've got to vote.

You've got to make noise. Is voting real? If it is, why did Ron Paul lose two states that he clearly won? Do you know that there's plenty of evidence online, and there's plenty of videos that show in Maine, and there was one other state where Ron Paul should have won, and they hit it. They covered it. I think that our voting process is actually, compared to most parts of the world, pretty good.

Compared to most parts of the world. Did you see Hacking Democracy? No. Hacking Democracy makes a very strong argument that the Bush-Kerry election was bought. Maybe. If you watch the video, it's a documentary on HBO when they show that they engineered in a third-party entrant into these voting machines. And the guy on the show, Diebold had to change their name. They're not Diebold anymore. They're something else.

The guy on the show showed how he can alter the results of any election. It doesn't surprise me. So what do we do? That's a good question. The Internet. That's what I think. I think the only thing that's going to save us is the young people coming up know that this is a different world know that this is a world that

if you're going to be a politician you're going to be completely you got to be transparent everything is going to be transparent every move you make and you can't get away with doing things that we've done for for decades and decades before it's a totally new game yeah that's the only thing that makes sense to me you know i think you're right the idea of overthrowing the government like that. Is that really fucking necessary? Like everybody's getting bonkers about that overthrow the government. First of all, it's not There are ways to overthrow or change the power structure or make it smaller Well, it's also people recognize in this country Especially that we are the cops we are the military it's not the actual elite is these

creepy bankers and there's only a fucking small handful of them and if the military doesn't listen if the government doesn't listen there's then it doesn't take your phone away from the table please take your phone yeah it's making that if if that's if we do that. Does it turn it off? Yeah. Phones, especially CDMA phones or GSM phones. Yeah, that was weird. There's a signal that picks up. It does it in your car sometimes. You ever do it in your car in your stereo? It goes.

Oh, that's my phone. Yeah, that's your phone. It's AT&T phones. Yeah, that's what I have. Yeah, if you had Verizon, it wouldn't do it as easily. So it's sort of a different frequency apparently. Yeah, CDMA is an older frequency, the frequency that Verizon uses. But apparently it's different in that it's more robust,

goes deeper into buildings. But more countries have GSM. My iPhone has both. So if I go on the road, it's a Verizon phone. So if I go on the road, if I'm in England, it'll work in England because they only have GSM. They gave up on our stupid CDMA's a Verizon phone, so if I go on the road, if I'm in England, it'll work in England, because they only have GSM. They gave up on our stupid CDMA. Really?

Yeah. Yeah. But I just, when it comes to these fucking conversations, they always seem so circular. They never really go anywhere. Well, because they're frustrating, because you don't really know what the hell to do about this problem. That's what's scary about it, and that's the biggest threat is the growth of the state.

The real question is, does voting really work anymore? And if voting doesn't really work, we've got a real fucking problem. It's a really good question, because what you start to realize, there's not a major difference between candidates, is there? No. I mean, all of a sudden you go, well, there's not a big difference. People are disenfranchised. I mean, people aren't voting.

Young people aren't as angry or in the streets because you can't really necessarily make a difference. Maybe that's how people have always felt. I do think people felt that way in the 60s, actually, which is why they got into the streets and they tried to make a lot of noise. But I'm not advocating that either. They didn't have the amount of movement that we have today. They didn't have the ability to do things. Organize. Look, governments were taken down with Facebook. Facebook took down governments. Twitter took down governments. But there are a lot of people arguing and making very good arguments like the Cato Institute, this libertarian think tank, about what that's why sometimes you just say

philosophically, philosophically. Nobody wants people to go hungry and stuff. Philosophically, though, as government gets bigger, more and more people will start manipulating and getting their hands into the cookie jar. It doesn't do anybody any good, man. Yeah, there's no way. There's no way to stop that. Once it gets to a certain size, it's unmanageable.

Government should be treated like a necessary evil, not this massive socially social machine that that engineers equality uh artificially it can't do that never has been able to do that and it's not and it shouldn't do that how gross was that obama statement if you have a small business you didn't build that by yourself well exactly you know why because he's never run a business in himself that that's my my knock on that guy yeah i don't think he's a bad guy don't think he's not a smart guy i don't think that guy's ever lived in the real world he was a community organizer and an academic i don't want that guy running running yeah i you know and if and if romney wasn't so so crazy with his

religion and stuff i i would be like well he was kind of a stud businessman but i don't even know what he stands for he hasn't come clean with his tax returns. He's a creep. He's a fucking Mormon. He's a Mormon. He's an old creep. He's a creep. His wife is made out of plastic.

His whole family lives in the dark. They're crazy. Yeah. And he's just going to do whatever the fuck they tell him. I always tell people, if you want to know about Mitt Romney, there's a video online where he gets confronted by a guy in a wheelchair who needs medical marijuana. And Mitt Romney shrugs this guy off like he doesn't exist. Of course he'd have to in that situation.

Well, I don't believe in medical marijuana. And he just gets away from the guy. He's a robot. But I will say that in Massachusetts, the guy actually spent a lot of time on the other side of the aisle and got a lot of shit done, including universal health care and balancing the budget. You can't take that away from him.

And by the way, he was a stud, you know, Bain Capital. That's all good and well, but I don't think that works. On a federal level, I don't think you get that kind of ability. Well, maybe not. I think you can really be a real governor. I don't think you can be a real president. I think when it gets to that level, when it comes to especially with things like war, governments don't have to do, statements don't have to do state governments

Don't have to worry about war when you get to a federal level and you're dealing with multi-billion dollar contracts And you're dealing with you know the pull out of the truth man It's what I was telling you I talked to this my buddy Who's a real CIA guy and and I had him do my podcast and I called him mr. Pink cuz he just was like You know it was really weird He's so smart and he's he's really the real deal and I said, well, give me some stuff about the Iraq war. And we went in there because of this and that. And he goes, man, he was like this. He was like, yeah, I mean, I guess you could say that. But really, you know what I think it is? I go, what? He goes,

I think it's just a bunch of interests that get together and it snowballs. And before you know what, a lot of people are going to make a lot of money on this notion. And a lot of people get an idea and somebody picks up on it and they just assume it's true. And before you know it, a lot of people are going to make a lot of money on this notion. And a lot of people get an idea and somebody picks up on it and they just assume it's true. And before you know it, you've got this fucking machine that ain't going to stop for anybody. And he was really kind of matter of fact about it. And I was like, geez, this is an inside guy who spent seven years there. And here he is telling me this. He goes, listen, dude.

He goes, they spent $100,000 importing sand so that they could play volleyball in the desert. You're like, oh. Yeah, we talked about this once before, how much corruption and how much waste there is. And we've all heard of the $500 hammers and all the stupid shit that was on. No accountability, man. Yeah, no accountability. It's government. The idea that it's all tax money.

What happened with the banking industry? Investment banks used to have to gamble with their own money. Then they became public and all of a sudden they're using your money to experiment. And you had these cowboys who were like, let's fucking leverage it 40 times. I'm being simplistic, but that's kind of what happened. Yeah. Well, Benny was

talking, the mathematician who the NSA guy, was talking about other things that the NSA had funded to try to do the same thing that didn't work that they spent billions of dollars on billions of dollars your dollars of your dollars by the way that they don't that's the craziest thing about your taxes you pay whatever you pay 20% you don't even fucking get you can't even request it you can't say hey I would like to know, you know,

how much of my money are you spending? Is there a website I could go to? Like, maybe they don't send it to you, but you could go, oh, hey, Mr. Callen, yeah, well, you paid $70,000 in taxes last year, and your money went to da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. You know, no, no, go fuck yourself. They don't even make it up for you. They just take it.

YouTube, again, besides this Benny guy, also YouTube Milton Friedman, who won a Nobel Prize for economics. And just YouTube him and listen to his debates. Just listen to his debates. It's really easy to follow. And all he talks about is personal liberty. They go, you're a conservative. He goes, I don't like that word.

I believe in liberty. So whatever I am, I'm very liberal. Yeah, it gets weird when you go conservative or liberal because people like to attach themselves to ideologies and they will find uh like an area where they can operate in they feel more comfortable being a liberal they feel more comfortable being a conservative and they just they they're they don't have no open-mindedness they're like teams they're on a team exactly Exactly. Exactly. They just lock on to Team Mac. I'm on Team PC. I like Android phones.

I'm a Windows man myself. I got a Windows phone. Whereas if you talk about liberty, you're talking about a philosophy and an idea. That's what I like to talk about. I like having discussions based on the ideas and philosophies, the underpinnings. Of course. Don't label me a Republican, Democrat, even a Libertarian.

I want to talk about ideas and develop a philosophy. But isn't it weird that that fucking shit works, that conservative liberal shit works? Look, and it works, by the way, with liberals just as bad as with conservatives. Nothing drives me fucking nutty more than hypocritical liberals who talk about

republicans being prejudiced and then they're completely prejudiced against anybody who has any ideas remotely different from theirs it's so weird that whole like artificial sensitivity you know like you you've you've you've adopted what is like a chic style a cool style of thinking you know this is the this is progressive style you know people we also my father was talking about tyranny of language there's a tyranny of language in this country where where one side will garner a sort of a patent on we are the progressives we are the well i happen to believe i happen to believe we should legalize my gay marriage and drugs and a lot of a patent on we are the progressives. Well, I happen to believe we should legalize gay marriage and drugs and a lot of other things.

That makes me pretty progressive, but at the same time, I want a small government so that I can be considered a conservative as well because I don't want all these vested interests in my fucking life. But that's the question is how do you uncurl it? If I start talking about small government, people go, you're a Republican. Well, no, I'm not actually, because I'm pro-choice and a lot of other things.

So don't call me... And I'm not a Christian, so let's relax with this stuff. So there is a tyranny of language in this country, and there always has been in political culture. There's a really good book called Don't Think of an Elephant. Did I ever tell you about this book? No.

It's written by David Fromm, who talks about, and I think his name is David Fromm, forgive me if it's not, but he talks about how effective it is when you say this is the Patriot Act. How do you vote against the Patriot Act, for example? You're not a patriot if you vote against the Patriot Act. example you're not going to vote you're not a patriot if you vote against the patriot act and there are a lot of things you can do as a as a political force to hijack your position by making it very inconvenient and sound bad when you vote

against yeah you can't vote against the page how do you change it joe how do you change it i don't know i'm still trying to figure it out uh the only thing that i think is you got to change young Can you vote against your agenda? You can't vote against the Patriots. How do you change it, Joe? How do you change it? I don't know. I'm still trying to figure it out. The only thing that I can think is you've got to change young people. And you've got to have the people that are going into it, like this guy that we had, David Seaman, who was on on Monday. He's in his 20s. He's 26 years old.

Wow. I didn't know he was that young. That's the kind of guy. And very articulate, very bright. That's the kind of guys you need. You need young kids that are coming out of college and that they they understand the way the world works a million times better than some fucking dummy who grew up in the land of books and crayons amos oz who's a famous israeli writer was saying um he said the way you beat they were talking about hamas and hamas the terrorist

organization and they said he said he had a problem with Israel going and assassinating Hamas leaders. And he said, the way you beat Hamas is not with guns because Hamas is an idea. And they said, well, what do we do? And he said, the way you beat a bad idea like Hamas is with a better idea. And that's a really powerful statement. It is powerful. And remember that this country is an idea, is an ideal. And in a lot of ways, those men, those founding fathers solved the political problem. The Constitution is an amazing thing. And it's being jacked left and right. And it's being jacked. But remember that it's a very powerful idea and keep fighting for it. Obama has done more to harm the Constitution than any president before him. What he's done

by passing the National Defense Author authorization act is nothing short of what you should have considered as treasonous what would someone in the past would consider as treasonous the ability to detain people with no warrant the ability to hold them with no recourse whatsoever they don't have the right to a trial they don't have anything that we're supposed to be standing for in america for foreign enemies no no no no no no no it's for anyone that they deem to be an enemy of the state wow national we were allowed to use that he is now rather allowed to use the military to quell any any dissent inside our borders. Are you sure that this is... Yes!

Posse comatitis, done. He's trying to get it through. No, it's passed. National Defense Authorization Act. The Senate passed that. Everybody passed it. Obama said he was going to veto it. Didn't veto it.

No one vetoed it. No one passed it. I don't think they get a say. I really don't. I think when you've got a company like Halliburton that has fucking billions of dollars and they're they're Profiting in mad crazy ways from this fucking war. I

Don't think anybody gets to say I think that influence the influence of that money is so strong. It's so sharp They can't avoid it. I hope you're wrong. I'm not wrong I'm not you you may not be wrong and and so in that case not wrong not to be saying How do you not know about this? We've talked about this before. I mean, reading this book I keep talking about. You read this nonsense. Reading this book I just keep talking about called China Study is a classic example. This guy does such an amazing job of saying what you're saying, how we are no longer,

all of a sudden, your kid at school is being fed all different kinds of food that is not only making him sick, but fat. Yeah, but listen, man. You can give your kid food, okay? That's a terrible thing and everything when your kid's fed at school. You can bring a lunch. That's not as bad as what the fuck is happening. Oh, I'm just saying he's an example.

The ability to have people arrested with no recourse, man. We are literally in an approved Soviet... Dude, I talked to you about this a while ago, man. National Defense Authorization Act. It's a terrifying thing that was passed. Terrifying. All this shit that's going on with WikiLeaks, where they're trying to pull this guy out of the Ecuadorian embassy in London.

They're letting everybody know that the rules are fake. Like, well, the rule... Well, he's actually wanted for sexual assault in Sweden. Sweden's not wanted for sexual assault in Sweden Sweden's not wanted for sexual assault don't say that he's wanted for sexual surprise sex surprise sex is yeah you son of a bitch sorry shut it off you can't you're a junkie I was trying to look up no I'm trying to look at the that act Oh surprise sex is what he's wanted for what do you mean surprise sex what's that really had sex with a chick with a condom on,

and they were sleeping in bed together, and with no condom, he slipped it in. And there's photos of her hanging out with him two days later, like all palling around. Look, what he did was kind of creepy. But guess what? You're not supposed to sleep naked with a guy if you don't want him sticking his bone around.

That's just what dudes do. We're gross. We're gross, creepy animals. Of course. He's wanted to die. Well, it's not even that. I don't know how many times back in the day I'd be like, I don't have any diseases. Don't worry about it're gross, creepy animals. Of course. He's wanted to die. Well, it's not even that. I don't know how many times back in the day I'd be like, I don't have any diseases. Don't worry about it.

No, I don't have any. Let me just feel it for a second. Just for a second. Just the tip. Roll the dice. Well, that's what he did. He's a scumbag. Sex gambler.

But a lot of guys are. There's a video of him dancing by himself. Scumbag? You mean a guy? Yeah, a guy. Just a regular guy. There's a video of him dancing by himself. It's just him on a dance floor getting his groove on,

and it's so dorky and creepy. You watch, and it's just like, oh, jeez, look at this guy. He's so weird. Is he French? Where is he from? Is he Swiss? I don't know. I think he's American.

Isn't he American? I think he's Swedish. Assange? Yeah, I don't think he's American. You are a fucking agent of disinformation. You work for Fox News, bro. I'm just saying I think. I don't know. I don't think he's American. You are a fucking agent of disinformation. You work for Fox News, bro. I'm just saying I think. I don't know.

I'm almost positive he's American. Man, Jon Stewart debates Bill O'Reilly, and he does such a great job. Did he really? I thought he just jokes up with him. Nah, he fucking made fun of Fox in such a good way, though. He just exposed him. And I read, too, of Bill O'Reilly's books. Oh, he's Australian.

That's what he is. I knew he had something weird going on. Might as well be American. Have you been to Australia? Love it. You do? Yeah. Went to Sydney.

Australia is, they're like a little more relaxed than us. A little more down to party. They're fun people, man. Yeah, they're just different. I like Australians. I've actually never met an australian who's a dick i have two friends that are really famous in australia and not famous here arj barker who's like kinda does well here but eddie if yeah and both of them are fucking you especially arj arj is giganti in australia yeah man he's like fucking justin bieber over there like he can't walk down the street in australia yeah and they love him in australia but america is like barely hanging on

you know he comes over here and just half filled crowds and doesn't make any sense he goes over there he fills out auditoriums every night really yeah he sold out some crazy like 18 nights in a row in a theater there that's a million dollars yeah it's at least i'll do that yeah it might be more than a million by the way 18 nights yeah australia a theater there. That's a million dollars. Yeah, at least. I'll do that. Yeah. It might be more than a million, by the way. 18 nights. Yeah.

Australia, I'm coming. It's like two million. I've been offered a couple times, and it's just like, I'm always like, we're going to fly my first class. Well, we don't have it in the budget. I'm like, fuck you. That budget, well, it's a $25,000 fucking ticket in first class. That's why. They put you on one of those A380s, and you get like a little apartment.

Yeah. That's what they put you on one of those a380 s and you get like a little apartment Yeah, that's what first class says But if you don't do that, then you're stuck in a cramped spot for 16 hours and it sucks I'll do business class business class. I flew first class to Thailand. I was doing hangover too And I that was that was that I I got off the plane was a year older That was so fucking long it took me and I was sitting first class and it was like luxurious and everything else I had all tied Taiwanese airline or whatever it was it was unbelievable but you know what too long yeah it's and you feel

like shit for days you know they say that the radiation from those planes when you're flying in high altitude the radiation is way worse than the radiation you're getting when you're going through the metal detector well the air is also shitty to shit shit air you know and you got to drink a lot of water i do because that a lot of the hangover feeling that people get dehydration yeah dehydration drink a lot of water eat something very nutritious alpha brain helps a lot it's fantastic for jet lag really yeah fantastic for jet lag and fantastic for when you don't get enough sleep because that's one of the main reasons that you have that sort of like a foggy,

misfiring sort of a brain when you're hungover or when you're jet lagged. So your neurotransmitters are off. Mike Young said, he goes, you and Rogan, I've been with you guys on the road. You guys don't need any sleep. I don't know how you do it. I was like, I need sleep,

but if I'm having a good time i can go i can go because i was in afghanistan and i i didn't sleep for probably a week like like just very little i was still working out i was just so pumped and afraid at the same time so my adrenaline was just literally pumping for a week so i didn't even need anything i'd wake up two hours a bit all right when you got sold out shows and you're going to do a big giant fucking crowd is waiting to see you get fired up man I don't care if you're tired yeah you know and you have to you know that's I felt sick with a fever I got on stage an hour and a half later I come off and I'm like I'm a hundred percent yeah you feel better yeah it's no one is ever gonna understand that

feeling unless they've actually done it but there's a giant responsibility that you have after a while when people are coming to see you you remember when you would go to a comedy club and it was just like you happen to be headlining but nobody knew who the fuck you when i went out on that stage in front of your fans in denver it was so loud it hurt my face i could feel that i could feel the sound waves on my face that That was 2,000 ravenous fans. Ravenous fans. And the minute I walked out there, they thought I was Joe Rogan. They were on their feet, literally like,

I was like, oh, okay. This is a whole different level. Yeah, we need to tell people what we're talking about. We pumped the crowd, and Brian went on. And Joey and joey diaz brought me up but brian went on stage instead so it was uh i recorded it actually yeah it was really funny though it was uh it was hilarious because it like they went on for a little while but then they're like hey what the fuck is going on here what's going on let me see if i can find it you guys don't forget about the 10 minute podcast we're Podcast. We're number 15.

You're number 15 now? The 10-Minute Podcast is number, I think, 15. Last time I checked, I was number 14. Oh, you said it's too much. But I was nine yesterday, so it's pretty exciting. Are you excited? I love it. Yeah, this is you.

Are you ready? I'm ready. What we're going to do is Brian's going to go out there as me and see how long it takes before they realize it's not me. Yeah, it's pretty good. And then just come walking out. And this is Joey Diaz about to bring me on I love me and Joe Rogan. Yeah, man. Listen to that crowd, dude. What's going on, you little fucking freaks?

That's what I said. And they still think I'm you. You're going crazy. Or you're me. Only people in the front row were like, what the fuck's going on? They were like, oh, what? Did he lose a lot of weight? Does Joe have rickets? He's still still on stage and now i got on stage and then i was like

all right your fans are great too they were all they were literally all they all i couldn't get out of the foyer you hadn't seen it before and i I remember telling you, wait until Joey Diaz goes on stage. I go, you're going to see something that you've never seen before. I remember the look on your face. You were like, holy shit. This is crazy. It's on a completely different level. Why do you think your podcast is so insanely popular?

I don't know. People are connecting with it. What are they connecting with? I am being as honest as humanly possible. I got a lot of interests. I'm fascinated by things. I think people get to be fascinated along with me on this podcast. They know that if I'm telling you something,

whether I'm right or wrong, it's because I truly honestly believe it. It's because I've looked at it, I've studied it, even if it doesn't make any sense. Like Bigfoot, like Bigfoot talk. I'm not willing to say that Bigfoot's not real. You know, and for a lot of people, like as soon as you start saying shit like that,

you become an idiot. You know, as soon as you start saying things like, you know, you think maybe there might uh intelligent life that's visited this planet thousands of years ago and actually made people out of monkeys get the fuck out of here yeah i don't know you don't know you really don't just fact that people exist alone is bizarre enough to me to to leave open a billion different possibilities for how life is seeded throughout the universe, including life on Earth. But I'm not afraid of looking like a retard.

You know, I'm just, I'm not scared. I think it's because, I think, yeah, I think that's one of the reasons, I also think that I'm really impressed with, I think a lot of people, young men especially, want to learn something. Well, a lot of young men are demonized. And we got a real fucking problem in this country where we're suppressing masculinity. We're not accepting the fact that men like manly shit. We like V8s.

We like steaks. We like Leonard Skinner. We like hunting and fishing and MMA. And guess what? You being prejudiced about that is just as bad as a man being sexist. It's just as bad as a person being racist. But you're judging and making people you know how many times i've felt bad for for what i look like or who i am or what i like when i was a young man especially women intellectuals all these different people

would like look down on you as if there was something wrong with you that you legitimately enjoyed what you enjoy without hurting anybody i always felt inappropriate and there's still a lot of circles while i come and I go man I think in such a different way than these fucking people and and and I I don't know It's just I always you feel like you're like you feel like you're doing something wrong when you're younger You're like, yeah, I just like rolling around on a mat or I like, you know, well, we're not represented We're not represented because men when they reach a certain point time They have to put on a fucking tie and some stupid shoes with slippery bottoms and go to some job that sucks that's the majority of men and so they're not really

represented you know when a guy gets buck wild and lives like mike tyson he's not celebrated oh that's gonna he's gonna crash well it's interesting because people want to censor you right away because i think you're a threat i that that's almost like there was a psychiatrist talking about male female dynamics a lot of times and a lot of women will be really attracted to an alpha male And then what happens is and it's very very common. It's a big problem in a relationship What they'll do is and this guy's a couples counselor who works with a lot of different couples So what they'll do is women will then be afraid that that aggression is gonna be turned on them and their children

So they'll they'll take it out of the man when they finally take it out of the man a man gives up It's like fuck this. I want to deal with all these. And they're not attracted to him anymore. They're not attracted to him anymore. Yeah, it's a grand game. So the point is, don't lose sight of who you are and what you're trying to do.

There's a great deal to learn and accomplish by embracing your masculinity. You learn just as much trying to get your black belt in jujitsu as you do getting a PhD in certain ways. About yourself, I'm talking about well you learn more you learn more you listen it's all relative but what's important in this life is embrace what you enjoy and most men are not taught that most are most men are they they're made to feel terrible

about liking certain things and it's by the way it's just as masculine to play the flute if you play it really well no there's you know and no but but it is i mean you know you can there are different there are different forms of and expressions of masculinity it's not doesn't you have to be hitting a bag and shit you know well i just think not even masculinity that's not even the word it's really honesty because i get a lot of positive messages from women it's like you're allowed to be yourself. Women should be in the group. My wife's into all kinds of girly shit. I don't even try to understand it.

I don't understand. I don't pretend. But I don't judge her. I mean, she genuinely likes it. There's people who genuinely like country music. They genuinely like it. They love it. They want to hear it.

There's nothing wrong with that, man. And the problem with a lot of people, and a lot of liberals especially, is that they will mock what you love. If you don't like what they like, they will try to marginalize your opinion. Marginalize your opinion. They'll call you a hyper-masculine man. That's the best way to put it. That's really an interesting way.

They marginalize your opinion and they marginalize you. And they do it through criticism. Sometimes it can be effective criticism, being very kind of glossy criticism, where they're using big words and they're comparing you to something and you don't really have necessarily the ammunition to fight back because you're not as good with language. And all of a sudden you feel kind of without ammo.

Well, it might not even be that. It might be that you haven't even thought about it. And they've been working on this argument against who you are as a human being for most of their life because you're the type of person who's always rejected them you're the type of person that didn't think they were sexually attractive so it made them feel bad so now they've decided that these hyper masculine men who are not attracted to me are assholes ruining this earth meanwhile if if that guy thought you were sexy and he liked to fuck you and you would like to fuck him and you were into this hyper-masculine guy

sticking his big cock inside of you, then you'd have a different thing. It's like, well, we think differently, but as long as he respects my space, I'll suck his cock. But no, he doesn't want to fuck you. So he's an enemy because he gives to you a bad feeling,

a feeling of you not a bad feeling a feeling of you not being attractive a feeling of you being rejected it's the same thing with ugly men who become woman haters their whole life they've been rejected by women over and over and over again so they develop this fuck these bitches fuck these hoes they have this this attitude towards women fucking lesbian that fucking that that attitude is not much different than the really homely ultra you know aggressive feminist woman who wants to attack everything that men are into hyper masculine rape supporters rape culture it's really a lot of the same thing it's

finding someone who's different than you and conveniently putting them in a box so that anything that they enjoy whether you enjoy box so that anything that they enjoy, whether you enjoy it or not, anything that they enjoy becomes fodder. Anything that they enjoy becomes something that you can use to dismiss them. That kind of criticism becomes habitual, and it makes it impossible to actually achieve anything yourself when you walk around like such a good critic. When you're a good critic, that same critic comes back to criticize you when you really try to do something.

You have to be able to look at yourself and your own nonsense. And you also have to be able to look at how other people are going to view your own nonsense. And just because you don't like something doesn't mean something is bad. It just means it's not for you. And you can't marginalize someone based on what they like or what they don't like. There's some brilliant people that like fucking pop music. They are brilliant, but they like to get in their car and listen to stupid-ass fucking songs and sing along.

It's fun for them, and it doesn't make them less of a human. That's right. We've got a real fucking problem in this country of looking for fault in other folks instead of first doing our own goddamn personal inventory first. Get that shit out of the way first. Concentrate on all your own issues because a lot of times the issues that you have in other people

really are a reflection of how you view yourself when you're around that person. Let me piggyback what you just said because a lot of times if somebody said, we live in a culture that doesn't make you feel good about yourself. And one of the things that this culture also does, advertising things, whatever it might be, but we live in a culture that gets you to think that there's something you have to add.

You have to add to yourself. When in fact, it's probably something you have to delete. You have to take something away from yourself that isn't really you. And just get back to who you really are. It's kind of a neat way of looking at development and growth. A lot of times I really think that stand-up and all the things I do are just bringing me back to who I've always been in a way. It's a process of sort of distilling. What I love about

writing and stand-up is that as I do it, I start to realize in some ways I've always been writing about the same thing over and over again. But in a way, I'm distilling who I really am. I'm getting to the core essence of who I really am. So now what I do, it's really, you know, at 45, now what I'm able to do is just sit and let things come to me a little bit more. I don't have to reach as much. Or I can just be and trust what's inside of me to do the job. Well, you also get to a point where you stop trying to be someone else. That's huge. That's so huge. And it takes a while,

man. It takes a while. And be easy on yourself. Don't be easy on yourself. Don't listen to me. Well, what I mean by that is don't be too critical of yourself. Just know it's a process. It's a process. And keep doing it. Don't listen. It's going to be painful as fuck. Be very critical of yourself or you're not going to get anywhere.

Well, be honest with yourself. Be honest. You and I were never critical of each other. We were honest with each other. Remember? Very important. And we still are. Yeah, all the time.

We call each other and we're like, we have conversations where we're not critical because we love each other. We're like, hey, dude, let me bring your attention to something you may not be seeing. But you know what? In both of our credit,

whenever you've done that to me whenever I've done That to you. You're oh, you're always like, yep. You're right. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. I love it when you do that It's very important. It's huge. Look I Welcome that man. That's when you know, you have a real friend when someone like you calls and says hey, dude You can do better and this is why or you know, you're not living up to the dude at first You don't you don't want to hear it and maybe it'll bug you for a couple days. It's beautiful. Learn to love that shit.

Don't take criticism from somebody who doesn't know what they're doing, and don't fucking just take blind criticism, or people who want to humiliate you or be better than you with their stupid words. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about somebody who's on your side who wants to give you constructive criticism embrace that shit man embrace it yeah it's just hard to find like-minded folks it's hard to find people that also have their shit together or want to get their shit

together it's hard to find people who are also like on the right track and not trying to sabotage themselves all the time what I said before you sometimes you might have to change your gang people run with well that's why when you and i first met i would get i would get mad these fucking idiots you were hanging out with and there was a difference between you and i so you would suffer all these fools and i would come along especially when i was young when i was me and matt we were in our 20s i was a savage you were a ball you were a ball of hate and energy i just wasn't into no one's nonsense if you were trying to push some nonsense on me no sorry dude and you'd see it i'd be like this guy's a problem

yeah this guy's just nonsense just talking nonsense he wants too much attention you're gonna hang out with him because i'm getting out of here yep and that and that's the only way to live you were so good at removing yourself from any kind of suppressive energy dude you had guys around you that were straight con men it was really unfortunate to see imposters yeah i would be around you and you would bring these guys over like a party at your house or something like that yeah because i thought it didn't cost me anything it was fun look at this male hustler he has hanging out at his house like this guy could be doing anything he could be a fake psychic he's fucking completely full of shit yeah he just decided that this is going to be his thing man is he's completely full of yeah he's just decided that

this is going to be his thing man is la la so full of that too so full of broken people who is that who said who said somebody took the continental united states turned it on his side and everything loose rolled to california well you think about what california is it's two things that are weird about it one it's people that weren't satisfied with the east coast everybody landed on the east coast and then here to reinvent themselves they came they kept going they they were willing to cross the fucking rocky mountains so just that the beginning is just crazy the fact that anybody knew that it was anything cool over here is crazy to begin with that you know the 20s they started doing boy am i used to the weather though man i can i'll take it i don't want it anymore i want some rain i think i like the winter here the

best because the winter it rains all the time it rains like once a week and that's what we need man it's not natural to be living in a place where it doesn't rain and and when you really realize that is when there's fires i mean there's always this brush fires in california every every couple years or so there's a brush fire. Well, you and I talk about moving to Colorado. Dude, I'm down. But Colorado just had massive fires as well. Huge fires.

We've got to get ourselves a big plot of land and build some fucking... I'm down. Create a village, grow our own food. Yes. Have pigs. We can shoot from a chopper. Yeah. That's very important.

Well, the pigs really can get out of hand when they're feral. We've got to have a gym, a jiu-jitsu gym. Yes. Rifle range. By the way, my podcast, tomorrow or the next day, I'm going to be interviewing Nate Marquardt, a Strikeforce champion. I'm looking forward to that. In Colorado?

No, I'll be in Vegas this weekend at the Paris, ladies and gentlemen. And what's he doing? He's training in Vegas? He's a coach on The Ultimate Fighter. He is? Yes. So I'm going to go in there and meet the guys. Oh, he's one of the assistant coaches for Big Country?

Yeah, I think so. No, Shane Carwin. Shane Carwin, of course. Right, yeah. Oh, that makes sense. Yeah. Carwin and Big Country are eventually going to fight. Carwin's got, man, that poor guy's had a lot of bad luck.

He just keeps getting his operations you know he's getting injured yeah back operation is how to get his nose reconstructed and then he broke it in the next fight and it up again it's such a hard job and that's what kills me about a lot of these guys don't make enough money and they yeah it's tough need to what what is um uh who do you think is the toughest heavyweight in the world is it junior well junior's the champ and until anybody beats junior you look at what junior did to cain velasquez and look at junior did to frank meir junior's a bad motherfucker he's he's a better boxer really good boxer he's really hard to take down and he's a really good mma boxer

and the difference between mma boxing and boxing with big gloves is you can't you can't protect yourself the same way with just like a high guard and blocking things because the gloves are small and they can slip through openings and catch your chin or catch your temple whereas like you have the big gloves on you could peck off a lot more shots and also in MMA boxing of course you have to realize that with the smaller gloves, they can hit you and do more damage as well. There's less padding on the glove. So you can't take a shot that you might be able to take with a bigger glove. The margin for error is way slimmer. You make one mistake and get clipped right, you're done. So Junior's the best MMA boxer. He's the best at MMA boxing, whereas Vladimir Klitschko would probably fuck him up at regular boxing. It's a different style.

And also, you know, the dealing with— Frank Eggers, I watched his footwork. It's unbelievable. Oh, yeah. I mean, that guy's always moving and hitting at the same time. Did you think he won that fight? I don't know. I watched it, and I watched it very closely.

A lot of people thought he won that fight. I can't make that call. I think that at the end of the day, what's his name? What's the champion? You've got to take the belt away from the champion. They say they should decisively take it away. Well, you know, Frankie lost to him right before that.

I do know that he's the toughest small man on the planet. And I think that, I mean, Ben Henderson's a lot bigger than he is physically. Yeah, he is. But that's par for the course for Frankie Edgar. So I don't know, man. I don't know enough about fighting, honestly, to be able to say. I don't know. He's going to go to 145 now, apparently.

Frankie is? Frankie is, yeah. He's got Aldo to contend with then. Yeah. That scares me. All those. All those scary as fuck. I don't know what you do with those leg kicks and shit.

He's a beast. And his knees, too. Oh, those knees. He knocked Chad Mendes out with a kicks and shit. He's a beast. And his knees, too. Oh, those knees. He knocked Chad Mendes out with a knee. God. He's a fucking bad motherfucker. Killers. You look at every one of these weight classes, like the 55, 45, and the 70.

They're just killers, man. For that matter, 85. Yeah. Well, that's what the whole sport is now. What it's getting to be now is like all these guys who have no weaknesses. They have great takedown defense. They have great stand-up. They have great, I mean, all those world-class in jiu-jitsu.

That's a word that gets tossed around a lot. He's world-class. I didn't know that. Yeah, he's a very high, I think he beat Cobrina. He's beaten really big-name jiu-jitsu guys in straight jiu-jitsu competitions. God. And his fucking stand-up game is what everybody's scared of. I mean, it's amazing.

Like, when he got Mike Brown, he got Mike Brown when he won the title. He got Mike Brown on the ground and got his back in a heartbeat and just battered him from that position. But the way he got his back, I was like, that is some high-level shit. Mike Brown is good. Mike Brown is also strong. Like, Eve Edwards was telling me, and I know Mike, you know, Mike Brown is good. Mike Brown is also gorilla strong. Like, Eve Edwards was telling me, and I know Mike, you know.

And Mike came out to my stand-up, actually, in West Palm Beach. He's great. He's a great guy. Great guy. He's a great guy. And Mike, I've talked to guys who roll with Mike. They go, he's gorilla strong, dude. He goes, when he gets on you, you're not getting off. You're not moving.

That guy is just a gorilla. Yeah, he's strong as fuck. And Aldo took his back like like a ghost yeah although he told me about that fight he goes he said his hips were just so good yeah i tried to do shit and his hips were like fucking you know well the thing there were um a lot of people are concentrating on is soccer players that there's uh another facet of uh of of like everyone always said what wrestlers it's important you know wrestlers is a great base and you know some people's like kickboxing that's a great base but lately soccer

players a lot of people are looking at soccer players that eventually get into jujitsu and kickboxing because they have so much better movement their movement like forward and backward their their their whole game is about jumping through the air and running across a field and dodging to the left and dodging to the right and kicking a ball before anybody else can kick it. By the way, they also learn how to kick. Try sometime, get a D1 soccer player. Try to stop that ball and watch how fast it comes to it.

It's crazy. And they know how to place it. So they develop this leg dexterity. That's why Aldo has that wicked leg kick his leg kick is so powerful man he just whips it around and slams that fucking shin bone into your leg i talked to uri favor about that he was like i thought i was gonna faint when he kicked me yeah so i thought i was gonna literally faint he said it was crazy yeah that's uh that's another new sort of uh an entry point into mma is professional level

soccer players which aldo was aldo was like ready to go professional but then it seems like mma is more and more gravitating toward those that can be that are master strikers because in a way if you got two really good wrestlers they can kind of cancel each other out. After a while, the more you wrestle, in MMA, it doesn't necessarily pay off the way spending time being an excellent striker, understanding angles and all that speed and all. That seems to be because you can end a fight so quickly. Yeah, but you also have to have takedown defense.

Yeah, you have to have... If you don't have takedown defense, the striking doesn't mean anything. But it seems like if you have two really good NCAA wrestlers or Olympic wrestlers, it's going to be hard to take either one of them down. So that's why they're going to stand up now and see if they can. Well, a lot of the wrestlers, they develop insane punching power too

because they learn how to throw themselves into a punch the way they would throw themselves into a power double. Like look at Dan Henderson. Dan Henderson, who's more of a Greco wrestler, or King Moe. King Moe's a good example. That motherfucker can punch. And one of the reasons why he could punch is because he knows how to throw his body into things. You know, he's used to like putting some serious horsepower into his double legs.

And he puts that into his right hand now and ba-boom! Jesus. Drops that shit on you. That's why when you see guys like Jon Jones and Anderson and how they separate themselves in GSP, they are really extraordinary people. There's just something about them. Well, first of all, Jon's very physically gifted.

Yeah. The distance of his limbs. How tall is he? I think he's 6'3", but his limbs are, he's got longer arms, maybe 6'4", but he's got longer arms than semi schilt who's a heavyweight it was the k1 heavyweight uh grand prix multiple time champion because no one could get in on semi semi's arms and legs are so long that everybody got up trying to get to him including

guys like badr hari and he dropped them with like front kicks to the body and because semi's seven feet tall well john has longer arms than him and he's six foot four he's got crazy long arms and legs and the reach when we we measure reach in mma we only measure from the uh shoulder to the hands you know to like the fingertips like how far you can touch but that's not real reach for mma because you gotta factor in the legs and john's legs are so fucking long he can kick you from a place where you can't even touch him. I want to watch him fight Shogun, and he looks like just a completely different weight class, like a different human being. And, by the way, he's only been striking for four years.

Shogun is a long-time MMA champion. He's just crazy gifted. He's very gifted. He's a super athlete. He's just one of those guys that, and it's the perfect storm of being a smart guy, being a guy who works hard, who has good coaching, and is a great athlete. All of them together, and with crazy physical attributes.

You know, John, every time you see him, he's better. You know, you see him six months later, he's a way better fighter than he was six months ago. He also loves what he does. It seems like he's just so enthusiastic. No, if that's the truth, he should have taken the Chael Sonnen fight next weekend. He passed on that fight on eight days' notice, which I thought, I could see his point of view, but if I was in his corner, I would have said,

you're going to beat this guy. Like, this is a guy who's coming up from 85. You're a way better fighter than him. And you're going to make it look like a hero that you accepted this fight on short notice. And you get to silence Chael Sonnen. He's talking a lot of shit about you. You just shut down beat his ass and that's all done you know it's a and it's an opportunity to make some money but he didn't he felt like it was too big of a change to to change up with eight days and it could have been

also that chael had been taunting him and so he didn't you know didn't want to like yeah also also there's if if it's also if he loses, if he wins, big deal. He was supposed to. If he loses, it's a big deal. If he wins, it's still big. He just still establishes himself as a bad motherfucker and a scary dude. That's just what he is.

The way he shut down Rampage, the way he shut down Rashad, the way he choked out Machida, I mean, I just don't see Chael sun and being able to deal with that skill set i think chael if he had a full camp and really got a chance to really bulk up to 205 for legit where he's you know then it would be a different story but in this you know in mma though i'm just saying that anything can happen in this sport right so as a fighter you're aware of that you know and and you have to contend with that

directly and and emotionally and all those rematch clause so you have a rematch clause so if chael submits him or something like that he's got a rematch clause and then the rematch is even bigger yeah it'd be fucking gigantic i also think maybe maybe that card and ufc seems to be very aggressive about putting on a lot more events than they used to and maybe they could maybe they could scale it back a little bit. I don't think they can. I think with Fuel TV, with the responsibilities they have for FX, yeah, there's more demand.

Is there, though, or is there more demand, or is there just more obligation because of their contracts? That's the question. It's a good point, but there is more. There's not just obligations because of the contract. There's obligations for the amount of fighters that are under contract for the UFC that you have to keep working. You can't have a guy under contract and not have him work but once a year.

Oh, that makes sense. How's he going to survive? Fighters have to fight at least two, three times a year. And you can't do that unless you put on a lot of events. The UFC has more than 250 fighters under contract. And I think it's more than that now it's a lot that's a big responsibility you know people knocked in a white and stuff like that but that's a big responsibility he has to all those fighters and and now the wec doesn't exist anymore

so because the wec doesn't exist anymore now we have all the 35s all the 45s all right the 55s had already been assimilated a while back what is it why Because they couldn't stay in business with the WEC? No, they just figured it didn't make any sense to keep the two of them together. You have guys like Donald Cerrone, you have guys like Benson Henderson, these great fighters that were fighting the WEC. Now look, Benson's the UFC champion now. Obviously, these guys weren't getting a shot at the top. Can you see what Benson did when he got there?

He won. He won. He won the whole thing. So Benson being the WEC champion and now being the UFC champion really lends credence to the fact that it was a good move to bring those guys in. What about Bellator and those other organizations? There's some really good fighters over there. Mike Chandler is really good. He's the lightweight fighter. He beat Eddie Alvarez, who's also really fucking good.

Those two guys are both world class. And then there's... Were you expecting more from the 85er if Bella Fatura came over? Yeah. Yeah, Hector Lombard. Apparently he was hurt. Apparently he had a cracked sternum. Oh, wow.

Yeah. And he fought anyway. He just didn't have anything in his... A cracked sternum. Think about that. Yeah. So there wasn't much he could do. Yeah, apparently he just didn't have anything in this yeah yeah so it wasn't much he could do yeah apparently he just didn't have anything in a gas tank I'll

tell you what though his fucking takedowns were ridiculous and his takedown defense was ridiculous and they say he's 5'10 he's 5'8 he's 5'8 and I saw him down an American top team I made a good study of him a ball of hard rope I've never seen anything like it he's he's as much as he's an extreme mesomorph that's what he is like he's as thick and strong I looked at his legs at American Top Team Music training and I just looked at his legs and I was like I mean Tiago Alves is my boy he's a thick guy he walks around about 205 and he's about 5'8 okay Lombard is a lot bigger than he is his back is so ridiculous his judo skills are so sick

that his takedown defense are ridiculous Tim Boach grabbed a hold and he's like nope Boach is a big guy coming down from 205 he's a big 185er when Lombard wanted to take him down he took him down

grabbed him clamped his arms together up up in the air, boom. But he just didn't do enough. He didn't do enough and lost the decision. But he's still a scary fuck. And I think his next fight, he's going to open up a can on somebody. Anderson's next fight is? Who knows?

He actually offered to step in and fight before he knew the card was canceled he heard that they were without a main event he said uh he's not an 85 pound shape but he can make 205 so he said i'll fight any 205 pounder and he wasn't even in shape like fighting fighting shit as in talking about fighting who john jones no he wouldn't fight john jones because he said he wasn't in shape to fight that guy but he said he'll fight any other 205 pounder so if they could get an opponent for him some 185 you know some 205 pounder wants to step up he won't in shape to fight that guy, but he said he'll fight any other 205-pounder. So if they could get an opponent for him, some 185, some 205-pounder wants to step up. He won't fight Machida. They're out of the same house.

He won't fight Machida, but there's a lot of other guys at 205. If he had called up just probably a couple days before, they probably would have done that. Who would be a fight for him that would be interesting we haven't seen? Anderson? Yeah. Anybody at 205 for sure. There's a lot of good fights at 205. But what he did to Forrest Griffin and what he did to a lot of 205.

Yeah, well, I would like to see him against Glover, Glover Teixeira. Glover is the scariest fight for Jon Jones at 205, and nobody even knows who Glover is. Glover's a monster. Really? Oh, he's a monster. Yeah, he's scary. He's big.

He's about 230. He cuts down to 205 but he doesn't have any weaknesses his punching power is ridiculous he's got an iron chin he's a black belt in jiu-jitsu apparently he was uh training with leota machida and ragdolling him that's that's the word yeah but it's a question also of his stand-up is not it's not just about punching power it's about angles and knowing and glover is killer. He's the one guy that is world class that wasn't in the UFC until really recently because he had a visa problem. He couldn't fight in America for six years. From Brazil.

And he finally got a fight in the UFC and fought Kyle Kingsbury and just blew him out of the water. I mean, it was a scary fight to watch. But he's beaten a lot of high-level guys. He was the first guy to beat Sokajou. He knocked Sokajou out. He's beaten the fuck out beaten a lot of high level guys he was the first guy to beat so could you he knocked so could you out he's uh he's beaten the fuck out of a lot of guys he fucked up marvin eastman in brazil he's a beast man he's a scary scary dude that fight is uh a fight that shogun turned down show they offered shogun glover to share and he didn't think it made any sense to

him he's like this guy's like world class and nobody knows who he is and shogun didn't want to fight him shogun wound up fighting Brandon Vera instead, you know, which was a great fight. What a fucking crazy fight that was. Who won that? I didn't see it.

Shogun did, but he had some tough times. It was Brandon, Brandon put up a great fight. Brandon was there, I think. He was at the, I think he was taking pictures

with people. I think he was at the, good looking kid. Yeah. Big guy, you know. Yeah. He was there.

He was at Denver. He was a really nice guy taking pictures with everybody. Brandon Vera's a great guy. He's a great, he got a bad rap for a while. He's a great guy. He was there. He was at Denver. He was a really nice guy. Brandon Verne is a great guy. He got a bad rap for a while. He's a great dude. I love Brandon. But that was an incredible, incredible fight. But it's interesting that Shogun was like you know what? I want this Glover to share a guy. Fuck that. It's like you need to set up that fight.

That's a fight where people need to know who Glover is first because this is like got to be worth a lot of money. This is a risky ass fight. Glover is like because this is like, it's got to be worth a lot of money. This is a risky-ass fight. Glover's like the most unknown guy at 205 that's super top-level and scary. I would love to see him versus Jon Jones. I think that would be very interesting because Glover's a really seasoned striker,

really seasoned, and tough as fucking nails. But he's got to do it soon. I think he's 32 now. You know, Jon is, Jon's fucking skyrocketing. Hey, listen, you got hendo at 41 right he's fucked up though his knees torn up now he's gonna it's gonna be a while for him

before he heals up i've talked to other wrestlers about henderson they say there's there's wrestling strong and then there's dan henderson strong oh he's an animal they say he's the strongest guy on the planet well his massage guy that used to work on him said he's never massaged a guy he said he's made out of wood yeah so he's never massaged a guy like that i know i know i know his massage guy that used to work on him said he's never massaged a guy. He said he's made out of wood. Yeah. So he's never massaged a guy like that. He's the densest human being on earth. I know his massage therapist now, and she said the same thing.

She said, I think she said to his father, he goes, what did you feed him? He goes, I didn't feed him. I just gave him a gun and told him to hunt his own food. I'm like, well, there it is. Yeah, he's always like. Speaking of which, when are we eating those steaks? I want to know. I'm hungry.

Yeah, well, the podcast is two hours and 22 minutes. Oh, it's just a little bit more podcast I don't know cut it loose I'm getting you gonna go to Alaska you gotta come I'm coming with you 100% How can I say no to that you can't say no I'm supposed to show you got a TV show suck my Show my I'll find my opening and I'm coming. It's five days. Yeah, you got to go Yeah, fuck whatever. It's stupid TV show. It Let me see. Are you still doing that Death Valley thing? No, it got canceled. What a bummer.

It was so fun. It sucked. Six people saw it, but I loved it. 16. I heard it was 16. 16 people? Good, good, good. Was it good?

Was it a good show? I had one of the best times I've ever had. I played a perverted police chief, and they let me just improvise and do my own shit. It was all like werewolves and monsters or something? It was so much fun. You called me up. I remember you told me how ridiculous it was and i they let me just improvise and do my own it was all like werewolves and monsters it was so much fun you called me up i remember you told me how ridiculous it was and i would i would hold the meeting about our current werewolf or vampire problem i just what happened that we got obsessed with vampires and werewolves just in the zeitgeist i know what it is what is it there was a theory i don't know well i think in those kinds of things, a lot of times technology starts moving so quickly,

and it's all technical and stuff, and we just want something. We want recess. We want magic. I think being afraid, though. Well, first of all, I think what happened with vampires was they're really sexy. I mean, Bram Stoker wrote Dracula in response to the repressive Victorian age. Dracula in response to the repressive Victorian age. It was essentially a metaphor

for how repressive we were on the surface, yet how perverted we were underneath. And along comes this handsome-as-shit guy who comes in, sucks your blood, and guess what? You have an orgasm. That's what those girls were doing. He'd come in, handsome-as-shit with a cape,

and suck your blood, suck your neck. Do you remember the Gary Oldman? And they would be like, oh, yeah. The Gary Oldman version was super sexual. Yes, it was sexual. It always was. It was a response to that repressive Victorian age where everybody was terrified of syphilis and going to hell. And at the end of the day, they were all fucking each other. They'd be yanking them dresses up and just railing each

other like, I shouldn't be doing this. I swear to God, I'll go to church tomorrow. Well, back then, they used to put dresses on legs of tables. They didn't want people being sexually excited by piano legs. Oh, there you go. They used to dress table legs. I believe it. You don't have to. It's the truth.

It's not a belief thing. It's fucking craziness. People were nuts. People have always been, in a lot of societies always have been obsessed with the sexual problem that's why men and women never were allowed

to work together because no matter what when you get men and women together shit happens it's supposed to it's supposed to fuck but that's why it's fascinating but societies have always been

actually most societies throughout history have always been concerned and centered around figuring out a way to keep that wall up right it's really interesting and when they do it with guilt they do it with guilt they make women feel like sluts if they're if they have sex they make men feel guilty and a lot of it had to do with a lot of times you get a bad disease man

that you before penicillin and now they got now they got uh gonorrhea a strain of gonorrhea in japan that is uh antibiotic resistant don't fuck in japan don't fuck in japan man not yet wait until they cure it yeah exactly when they come up with another what is it about today though that the vampires don't have vampire characteristics it's like i was talking about um that movie uh born legacy did you see it? No. It's good. Fun movie. But this is engineered super killer who is constantly saving this hot chick through this movie. Constantly saving her.

Yeah. Just carrying her, jumping and throwing over her shoulder, jumping a fucking chasm with her. Never fucks her. And I'm like, what is this nonsense? She is weeping.

She's holding onto him. They're alone. All men. All men. She's holding on to him. They're alone. All men. They're alone in a house. They're sleeping in the same room. You're selling a male fantasy. It's nonsense. You want to save a woman.

It's a girl fantasy. Both. But it's the girl fantasy because he doesn't fuck her. If it was a male fantasy, it'd be 007. Right. He saves her, then he fucks her. Right. But this guy just saves her.

There's no time to come. He doesn't even kiss her. At the end of the movie after they've been through so much together they're looking at each other eye to eye and smiling that's it that's it no she doesn't pull his cock out she doesn't start sucking it what am i doing i shouldn't do this i want him to love and respect me but i want his in my mouth no there's none of that it's but that's the same thing with vampires these vampires they can go out in the sun now and they just sparkle.

They just want to be with you. They didn't want to kill you. They eat deer blood. What the fuck, man? But that was the whole reason Twilight was so big is that he was an outsider. He was a leper. And she could only see him at night. It was Romeo and Juliet.

That's what it was. But it wasn't Romeo and Juliet, because Romeo was 14 too. This motherfucker's a thousand years old i know okay and she has a dilemma he's several hundred years old should i get turned and be with him forever yeah but she's a fucking high school kid what is wrong with him he's a creepy cocksucker oh listen she was fucking cute it's all you'd be cool with that and he was in high school no he wasn't no he wasn't fuck youe he was in high school in the day you don't know he was taking science class he didn't he like uh is everyone

died from like the spanish flu or something like that yeah influenza yeah i was like that night that was like the early 1900s that guy was old as that's ridiculous listen man the older you get the more creepy you get it's like dom herrera domerara saying dommer's we were all hanging out one time a long time ago and there were these girls there and Dom goes, those girls are good looking. And I go, yeah,

they're fucking 21. Yeah, they look pretty good from here. And he goes, no, because at that age, you know, a girl could have a goat head.

I wouldn't really give a fuck. 21 with a goat head. I'd be like, that chick with a goat head has got a really nice body. It's fine for me. She's 21, you know.

Well, it's funny that, you know, the thing comparing the way gay men look at men as compared to the way women look at men and with women what's important is a guy's eyes his smile his jawline with men with gay men they the dudes don't even have to have heads they just look at a body if you could find like a hot guy who was headless just stuck his hairy

ass up in the end guys would just be stroking and they'd be like yeah my buddy keith i don't need a head my buddy keith's got a boyfriend and his name is stan and he wears his hair over one eye did i tell you this oh no he doesn't and he's filipino he's really good looking he's got this bubble ass and big tits and oh big tits yeah just he does a lot of bench you know he's like he's got a full mouth and my buddy keith is real my buddy keith's really macho and he makes millions of dollars and he was like staring at him one time where he's like look at him look at how fucking beautiful he is and i go i was like oh yeah and he goes you know why i put it with all his bullshit i go why he goes look at that ass and i was like but i get it i was like you're not even you're not really even gay you're just a dude

who fucks guys i'm not even sure that's like you're not even, you're not really even gay. You're just a dude who fucks guys. I'm not even sure. That's like, you're just so hyper male that you got to, you know. Oh, that's silly. He's gay. All right. Well, don't fuck. Easy. Gay guys are just guys who are gay.

Easy with the labels. The guy's hairless with a full mouth. Guy. All right. Guy. Shmai. A lot of guys are into the Asian guys. That's where Asian guys are like cherished.

Whereas like Asian guys have a hard time when it comes to white women. Dude. white women are like the fuck i went and saw i went with some of the cast from the hangover i went to the fucking lady boy show in thailand let me explain something to you one day i'd last a day in jail before i was banging the shit out of those fucking dudes all right a one day i'd last i'd be like you know what? You look so... Fuck it. In the butt or the mouth? Who gives a... Yes. What if he's got a cock? You'd be able to look down the little... Look, dude, just put a knockin' over or something.

They're tiny anyway. Push it to the side. What if you felt your... As you're fucking him in the ass, you felt his cock slapping against your butthole? How many drinks have I had? As you're doing it? How many drinks have I had?

How much alcohol? Two drinks. I gotta have at least three dude otherwise it's gay you gotta tell us you gotta hold on to your cock while in the ass because it's slapping me and me look at bro bro give me some masking tape i'll tape it right to your belly button and and don't don't look me in the eye and we'll go to how uh how how feminine did they look they're some of the best looking women i've ever seen in my life so did they answer your question and did they look? They're some of the best looking women I've ever seen in my life. So, did that answer your fucking question? And did they show their cocks?

Like, what does it show? No, they don't. They tape them down. It's lady boys and a lot of them have had the operation already. So then,

what are they then? Look, Brody Stevens, ask him, he was being, like his face was being stroked and I looked at Brody and I go,

listen, Brody, if you take that girl slash guy home and fuck her tonight, you're not gay and i'll defend you to the fucking day you die because that's one of the best looking chicks i've ever seen in my life right and he was like no i can't but gee whiz look at her i can't do that but uh yeah they were fucking beautiful i i a couple of months like that's a girl there's no way that's a guy it's

impossible that that's a guy and they were like that's a guy. It's impossible that that's a guy. And they were like, that's a guy. Well, we had one on the man show that was so pretty that we were hanging out at the comedy store, and she was pulling up, or he, whatever you want to call her, was pulling up in a car, and Eddie Bravo was like, whoa, check out this chick. That girl's so pretty. I go, dude, that's a guy. I was in Cheetahs. I was at Cheetahs in Vegas, okay? And that's a guy. I was in cheetahs. I was at cheetahs in Vegas. Okay, and

That's a big strip club and there was a girl there with a cowboy hat Who had a line of men trying to bring her into the room to have a dance? The reason I knew that that was a guy was because on mad TV one of our makeup women what used to be a guy and And she was friends with this this person who had become a woman so i knew that that was a transsexual and she was also she was vietnamese she was fucking gorgeous then she later got married to a very wealthy um i think i can say it i don't want to say it but he was a very very well-known rocker um a guitarist wait a minute and it's a rock star oh not a rock star but he was a very well he made

a lot of money in a band a very popular band and he married uh and he married her and which only gave me more respect for him okay really yeah i mean who is it uh come on i don't know i don't want to say it's probably because i actually know i know but i don't want Who is it? I don't want to say. It's probably public. Actually, no, I know, but I don't want to say because I don't want them to know that this person was stripping. There's a lot of shit that goes on with this. Oh, okay. I don't want to, you know. I'll tell you later, obviously. This guy that had become a girl that Eddie Bravo had seen in the car, we had her on the man show.

And the man show was, the man show, see that sign behind it said make me hard see that this sign right here that was the game the game was make me hard and what it was was we had an electronic box over a dude's dick and we would decide when the light would go off there's a red light on it and the light would indicate that he has an erection so we would have like different things in front of him like imagine eating a banana you know like all like different things in front of him like a midget eating a banana you know like all these different things that would give him a boner it's a great game it was a fun gig um but when we when we did it we did one of them with the transsexual and she was fucking hot man i'm telling you you would not be able to tell yeah so she's on this guy's lap okay and the guy's going

they uh she's got whipped cream she puts whipped cream on her tits. He sucks the whipped cream off her tits. Everybody's going fucking crazy. The audience is going shithouse. Then she pulls out her panties and unveils this dick that looks like it had been poisoned because she'd been taking all these female hormones.

So her dick was like black and sick. It was like it had been... It was atrophying. Yeah. Oh, yeah, for sure. Not just atrophying. It was like it was completely cut off from the process, like withered away. See, now I have a boner.

Is that weird? It was a black dick. And she was not black. She was like a Latina, something or another. But her dick was dark. It was dark. It was tired. It was rotting. It was like a Latina something or another. But her dick was dark. It was dark. It was tired. It was rotting.

It was like it was rotting away. And she pulls it out in front of everybody, in front of the crowd. And the collective, oh, of everyone. And the look of repulsion in the guy's eyes. Oh, my God. He's tied to this chair with this box over his dick with it by the way the red lights flashing like crazy now because because we control the red light it wasn't really when he had a quarter so the lights everyone's going oh and there's a dick right in front of his face

and this crazy bitch that he had just sucked whipped cream off her tits yeah and now she's got this cock in front of them. Yeah. By the way, they had no problem with that. Comedy Central had no problem with that. But they did have a problem with hard. The reason why that sign is here is because we had to use another sign. Oh my God.

Because it couldn't be make me hard because make me hard was, they wanted it make me stiff. That's what they said. That was one of the things they argued. Those are arbitrary things that the standards and practices guys like decide on the set.

It's not even standards and practices. It's the network. Advertisers. It's not even standards and practices. It's the network. Advertisers. It's not even that. It's just a bunch of dummies who want to have their say on things. And that's why doing something on the internet is so beautiful. Like if we had one of those same executives in this room and we were talking about things, they would probably tell us not to talk about it.

They would tell us to change the subject. If someone had to sit down with us and give us a list of shit that we couldn't talk about. The internet gives you personal responsibility. It gives you your own sovereignty. And it's what all human beings want and should have. If I don't pee right now, I'm going to die. Don't die. All right. It's just over. Come to Vegas. Two hours and 35 minutes. Let's wrap this bitch up. Let's bring this bitch into the harbor. Check out Brian Callen's podcast. What is it called? Man Thoughts? with brian callan brian callan show it's real simple i know i'm gonna you're gonna fuck yourself by having some other name now you keep changing the name that's it we're sticking we're sticking

to this it's good how about the brian callan experience no yeah no it's a joe rogan experience i stole it from jimmy hendrix so i want joe rogan thoughts. This weekend, Friday night, now added, Doug Stanhope. Friday and Saturday, it's going to be me, Joey Diaz, and Ari Jafir. Friday night, Doug Stanhope is joining me. We're doing something for Tosh.0 together on Friday during the day. So when we're done with that, we're going to do the show at the Ice House that night and have a fucking party. So we will have an Ice House Chronicles on Friday

that will have Doug stand up. Go take your piss, man. Go ahead. Don't worry about me, brother. 10-minute podcast. Yeah, follow that and follow Brian Callen, B-R-Y-A-N-C-A-L-L-E-N, on the Twitter. Thank you, everybody, for the positive messages on Twitter

and on Facebook and even Google+. I've been on Google+, lately. And I've been on Reddit, lately, just for a little bit. But I'm going to do a Reddit Ask Me Anything before my special is released, which should be either at the end of September or the beginning of October, depending on when my website is done. The new studio should be, the lease is signed tomorrow. Hip, hip hip hooray

And we will begin construction and it will be dope and then we will take shit to the next level you motherfuckers It's gonna be a hangout. It's gonna be like like a John Gotti social club, but for nice people But I'm fucking pumped about it It's I've never really like had my own place before and like a real place of my like an office And I'm I've got grand plans for this. I'm very, very excited. And,

uh, got a lot of cool guests coming up. Survivor man. I've been in contact with him. He's coming on the podcast. We're going to get a rich role who is a, um, uh,

a vegan athlete, Mac Danzig. I got to holler at you as well. Who's also another vegan athlete and a great fighter and fights in the UFC. Uh, so we got to represent the vegans uh this is a lot of people think that i hate vegans i do not absolutely and i eat a lot of vegetables i eat a very vegetable diet but i i like meat and uh ate that too tough

shit mostly grass-fed though that's the way to go all right this fucking podcast is over i'm rambling so come see us this weekend this uh friday and saturday night at the ice house and again doug stanhope will be joining us on friday but on saturday uh it'll be ari shafir joe diaz and me and ari shafir and joe diaz will also be on the friday night show uh Next weekend, Santa Barbara, the Lobero Theater. That's next Friday night. And I'm fucking pumped about that. So that's September 7th. And then Toronto on the 12th. Oh, the Crest Theater in Sacramento, September 14th.

Macy Hall, rather, in Toronto on the 21st. Memorial Hall in Raleigh, North Carolina on the 28th. And the Thomas Wolfe Auditorium in Asheville, North Carolina on the 21st. Memorial Hall in Raleigh, North Carolina on the 28th. And the Thomas Wolfe Auditorium in Asheville, North Carolina on the 29th. And Duncan Trussell says I may move there. I may have to.

And those North Carolina dates will be Joe Diaz and Duncan Trussell. All right, you freaks. Thanks to Alienware for sponsoring our podcast by providing us with cool laptops. And thank you for sponsoring so many MMA fighters.

Follow Alienware MMA on Twitter, please And thanks to on it calm. That's o and and I T Go get yourself some alpha brain or shroom tech or shroom tech immune shroom tech sport Get yourself some bone strong get yourself some new mood some kettle bells some battle ropes get your manly on and use the code name rogan and save 10 off any supplements podcast in the land and we will uh we will end this thing with brian callen singing short legs but a tired ass and a barrel of snakes for a bite. We love everybody. He's got a wide face but expressive eyes and no hair on his head. He's got big hands.

Big feet. Trying to talk Brian Callen into moving away. Sorry, guys. All right, you guys, we love you. And this fucking show's over. Thank you for everybody. Thank you for everybody. Thank you, everybody, my friend.

Thank you for your time. You're good to us. Grillo's pickles. Grillo for everybody, my friend. Thank you for your time. You're good to us. Grillo's Pickles. Grillo's Pickles in the house. All right. We'll see you guys tomorrow with Mike Birbiglia. Mike Birbiglia will be joining us in the podcast tomorrow.

And that's it for the week. All right. We love you, Fox. See you.