The Joe Rogan Experience - #26 - Bill Burr

Episode Date: June 16, 2010

Joe sits down with Bill Burr.

There it goes. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another Ustream broadcast. Who's that? Me? Me, motherfucker. Gotcha. We only did one week where we didn't fuck anything up, and that was yesterday. Yesterday, we completely had it together.

Joining me this week is my good pal, the very funny Mr. Bill Burr. Bill Burr, ladies and gentlemen. What's up, Joseph? You might know Bill from all sorts of television, stand-up comedy things, The Chappelle Show, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. One of the funniest guys out there. I love the 80s. I love the 80s strikes back. Don't forget that.

That's on the IMDb page. I also have a failed pilot for some reason on my IMDb page. It didn't even air, and somebody still put it up there. Before we even start talking about anything, we're sponsored by the Fleshlight. This is a Fleshlight. Have you ever seen one of these, Bill Burr? A flesh-colored flashlight? No. This is a thing you... I you ever seen one of these, Bill Burr? A flesh-colored flashlight? No.

This is a thing you... I don't know what that was. You don't know what it is. Bill Burr's like... Ah, what is that? You fuck it. You fuck it. That's the butthole version.

It's patent and rubber technology. Feel it. Feel it. Really? Put your finger in it. Put your finger in it. Toys freak me out. Okay.

You jerk off though, right? I mean, I assume, right? Constantly. Okay. Now, why wouldn't you get one of these? I had a good one on the way up to your house this is uh this is i'm all about rubbing one out a fucking tool to masturbate with it's instead of your hand it's a fake vagina this is the yeah i'm not saying that you shouldn't uh you shouldn't you know i'm not against it but it's just odd you handing it

to me the first minute of your podcast well i'm just trying to see how you react oh yeah i hope you got a good yeah i got a good gauge yes i'm into i'm into porn i like the videos and that type of thing but i gotta admit like uh that's just those sex toys it's like very serial killer like where you just sort of fucking a part of somebody rather than there's nothing else there yeah i know what you mean you, like you went to the butcher and you're like, yeah, just give me a slice of crotch. Yeah, this doesn't, it doesn't have to look like a pussy.

It looks exactly like a pussy, the pussy one does. It really doesn't have to. It just has to be a hole. Maybe you'd feel better if it was just a hole. That doesn't look like a, that doesn't look like a butthole.

Hold it up to the camera. That doesn't look like a butthole. I think it needs a little work. What, an eight-year-old's ass? Look how little that is. It's been bleached. It's a girl with a butthole that's got a-year-old's ass? Look how little that is. It's been bleached. It's a girl with a butthole that's got a problem, because that sucker's not airtight.

Look at that. There's a little hole in there. It's gaping. See that? That's not good. Yeah, after you ruined it last night, trying it out. I have never fucked this.

That's why I hand it to people. I fucked the vagina one. I have never fucked the butthole one. That's the name of your next CD. I have never fucked this. You just hold something up. That'll get into Walmart. I know, right?

They're the only ones left. Fleshlight.com. If you want to sell something, yeah, go to Fleshlight.com and buy it. But, you know, we were disturbed because we went to the website. We could not find a black one. They have only pink fake vaginas.

Now, you know what? You could go both ways on that one. That is either racist or white people can get offended can get offended like how come you're right you're slicing up white women and turning them into little plastic pillowy things for people to fuck you know they should have like a swirl like a like a jet pop you know like those old pudding pops where it's like vanilla and chocolate that's not bad. The zebra one?

Yeah, why fucking pretend it's a person? Why not a little mouth one, too? And you have that other one so you can finally have like a fake menage a trois. Just have a fake mouth licking your balls as you fuck whatever that is. The flesh flashlight, whatever you called it. Isn't it kind of creepier

that it actually does look like a vagina? Like if it was green or something like that, maybe it'd be easier to fuck. You wouldn't have to think about it being a serial killer sort of a thing so that really doesn't look like anything it doesn't it doesn't but the vagina one does it really does like a fourth grader made that you just as a good father be like oh yeah yeah i can see that totally does you really you have a lot of talent you encourage them we were saying yesterday that it's uh funny that they sell the butthole version And the vagina version

And what if the butthole version Just so outshould The vagina version They just cancelled making them Because nobody wanted To fuck to rip a vagina Like left handed guitars Yeah

They're like 10% extra For the vagina Joe next time you fuck it Try taking it out Like fish in the bucket And fucking it Out of the plastic thing With your hand

Yeah like your hand Really It's so much better Really Brian has a tip tip a health he's like the martha stewart of fake vaginas do you have a healthy tip do you like review sex toys no i don't review sex toys only technology shit but i should i should review why not you should totally do a full you fuck it version of a review when you fuck the fleshlight i should take the Take the food blog to the next level. And show us you fucking it. But we don't have to

see your dick or anything, but we should know that you really are fucking it. Like, you're naked. No, no. Take a picture right after you're done,

and we'll try to gauge the level of satisfaction. Just film my face the whole time using it, but that's it. Is there a fucking thing on this earth

that's more disgusting than another dude's loads? If you think about it, if you had a choice between the guy pissing on you or shooting a load on you. I'll take the piss. It's a no-brainer. It's a no-brainer.

You know it's longer. The load would get over. And you have a washcloth right there. Right. And a stand-up shower. So it's over really quickly. Wow, that might be better. Maybe it's just a pool.

A load might be better? Well, he's right. It's quicker. It's just like, get it done, wipe it off you're not like sitting there for two minutes getting pissed on i see what you're saying you get a laugh at the guy's face as he's like i see what you're saying but to me it's a dude just shot a load on me and i can't deal with i can deal with a dude pissing on me that's an act of aggression a guy shooting a load on me he's like that guy basically just fucked me yeah you know i'm saying it's just snot from below you know it's just yeah

but it's just sort of maybe it's just was just an accident mark he's marking me it's an accident you gotta stop being so judgmental but peeing is how you usually mark it animals usually use pita marks that's okay that's like i said that's an act of aggression an act of aggression like urinating on me would not offend me nearly as much as dropping a load on me that's just me though i don't agree with that honestly things that i don't really think of. What if it was a long beer piss, though? That's what I'm saying. Asparagus piss. Yeah, four hours

sitting in Yankee Stadium drinking beer in the hot sun. Are you a sports fan? You're not a sports fan at all, right? No, I don't. The only sport I watch besides mixed martial arts and boxing is pool. I watch professional pool, which is completely ridiculous. Actually, I'm watching the NBA finals,

and I have to have the game on mute because I'm convinced the announcers hate my team, and it just gets insane. Dude, people get so fucking mad if they feel like someone's doing biased commentary. I get so much shit from dudes who are angry at me because I call the fight as I see it. I try to be as objective as possible

and have like, no one's my favorite. I don't want anybody in particular to win. I just want it to happen. I have a bunch of guys that I love watching when they fight because they're good. But I try to never root for somebody. So I do my best to stay objective. But I call it like I fucking see it.

Some dudes get crazy. That's because they're so emotionally invested like me with the celtics i want them to win and like you know like i've got invited to hey come on down watch watch game seven it's like i can't i can't fucking deal with all these i'm gonna sit there by myself and i have to watch it on mute i can't be around a bunch of other people because there's going to be people there who don't give a fuck or they or they're going to be rooting for another team and and i will literally have rage in me and no i've really been examining it like what's silly it is i heard the somebody told me that i think jay leno said was he wasn't into sports and he was just like why do i care if the the peanuts beat the kangaroos and you know something like that and it just really sort of was like yeah why do i care if the peanuts beat the kangaroos and, you know, something like that. And it just really sort of was like, yeah, why do I give a shit?

It's a trick. People think that the NBA finals are rigged, like that Kardashian's going on TMZ saying the whole thing's rigged. Who is going on? Kim Kardashian? Robert Kardashian. Robert Kardashian. I think it's the brother of Kim, and he's, like, going on saying, like,

you know, the whole thing's rigged. That's a credible source, that family. Well, I mean, one of the guys is... Are they going to re-examine the Warren Commission next? Take another peek at the Zapruder film? Yeah. Come on, really? Yeah, but the thing...

I heard the Kardashians looked into the moon landing. Isn't somebody in the Kardashians married to an NBA player, though? There were, yeah. That is true. And the NBA also had a ref that got busted with mob ties and i loved how they acted like he was the only one oh yeah it was just him like you wouldn't notice that if you were refereeing with him is he's teeing everybody up you know like if he bet the under and everybody's like fouling out this i mean i know that's an exaggeration every it's

one of the easiest games to fix you know they had a problem with that with professional pool with professional pool the only one time that a sports book ever put a line on the event. I forget what casino it was at, but it was in Vegas, and it was a big tournament. These guys are grinding. They're out there. Professional pool players don't make much money, even the best in the world.

So there was an underdog, this guy Mike LeBron. He hadn't won a big tournament like that in a long time. So they all got together and said, hey, what you're winning the tournament we're gonna fucking bet on you and they all threw in and everybody dumped and they all they all dumped mike lebron won they cleaned up and the bookies never put a line on pool again and did they uh and they they obviously figured it out oh fucking everybody knew they're driving balls into the rail they're fucking supposed to get out ball in hand they don't get out they scratch you know there was

there was a bunch of shots where dudes were like, what the fuck is this? They were obviously bad. Well, they do their best, but these guys, high-level pros don't miss very often. So they can fuck up and take a bad path on purpose and a path that gives them a high percentage of getting stuck behind balls or something like that. So they make errors on purpose. And you look at it and you're like, why the fuck would that guy play that like that? This guy's top of the food chain world champion. A snooker player got busted recently

for taking a 300,000 euro bribe. He was taking a bribe to dump a bunch of matches. And this guy's like one of the very best in the world. He's like a top line. And snooker players make big bank. But apparently, it's a common thing. Well, what was his vice? Money. But apparently, it's a common thing. Well, what was his vice?

Money. That he took it. He just wanted money, you know? He said that they've done it before, and they got this guy on Hidden Cameron shit. It was pretty devastating for the whole snooker community, because he's like one of their starbs. What, all eight people who are in the snooker community? The fucking snooker's huge over there, bro. You don't understand.

I don't know what snooker is. Snooker's this crazy game. It's like pool, but it's played on a giant table, a 12 by 6. And the pockets are really small, and the balls are really small, and they're colored. And I don't know the exact rules. Is there mushrooms on the table? Is that from the 70s? Remember that bumper pool or something?

Remember that? I do remember bumper pool. That shit was ridiculous. I forgot about that. Yeah, you just tried to. They had like little mushroom trees or something in the middle. Yeah, little rubber ones to bounce it off. That's because you didn't have space for a real table.

So you'd get one of these goofy fucking things. It was only two feet wide. And you had to make it more difficult. That's right. Yeah, that was the 70s, everybody. Put some sort of reference to drugs right on the table. Pool has always had a problem with people gambling and dumping money. It's like a common thing amongst guys who bet.

Like guys will back pool players. And the pool players would dump and cut up the money because they know this way they're going to win. You know, that whole world, the world of gambling, when you get gambling involved with anything, and there's a lot of gambling on pro basketball, I would just assume it's rigged. Wouldn't you?

Yeah. I mean, you know, I would think, well, I think the players make too much money, so it's very hard like that and the way the way to definitely do it is some sort of authority figure on the court like you know referee and umpire or something like that giving bad calls i went to the game when uh kevin garnett hurt his knee against utah which i'm sure you still have on videotape i don't know what you're talking about hoop fan i don't even know those humans're talking about. Hoop fan. I don't even know those humans. The referees were literally dictating the pace of the game.

And it made like no – I'm trying to equate it to what you do. Be like if a guy had no stand-up and all of a sudden he was great at stand-up and then five seconds later again, oh, yeah, he doesn't have any – it wouldn't make – it wouldn't be – it's not consistent. They were like calling everything, everything, everything. And then you could just see them loosen up the reins. Then a guy would like literally take a dude's head off, and they're just like, hey, no blood, no foul.

And then all of a sudden it was like, did these guys bet us? It was almost like they bet like a specific number. I don't know what it was, but it was one of the weirdest called games. Guys have been busted for that though, right? Referees have been busted for doing things. Well, they had that referee, uh i'm sure if other ones got busted maybe they kept it quiet i have no idea as usual i have like one story and then that becomes law i just spread it out over every sport and start pontificating bill burr is one of the more

interesting conspiracy theorists that i know because bill burr you'll start talking to him about it and then five minutes in he'll he'll admit that he doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about he saw a YouTube video. Like, what's up with this GPS? I'm one of the few people. He doesn't use GPS. I called him to give him directions. I go, you got GPS?

Thinking I'm just going to give him my address. Nah, I got a Thomas guide. I got a fucking Thomas guide, like a goddamn pioneer. You have like a pencil and like an eraser and you're like putting compass like directions on. First of all, you guys are acting like I'm churning butter. You guys both had one like fucking five years ago, didn't you?

Yeah. Did I get here this time? I was on – yes, you were. MapQuest. I was early on with the GPS. I had the first GPS. It was a CD-based GPS. It was CD-ROM based.

So I only had a map of Los Angeles. But I've never even used those books. I think I've just always used MapQuest and stuff. Maybe before that, my mom would write down the directions on a napkin. When I first moved here, I used it. I had it written down on an envelope. How to get here. There was no problems.

It was very easy. When I first moved to LA, I had a Tom's Guide. But I haven't had one in a long time. For LA, that just seems impossible. It is impossible. There's so many pages. You don't want to think. Don't use your brain. Let the computer do it. That's right. Type in a long time. For LA, that just seems impossible. It is impossible. There's so many pages. Yeah, you don't want to think. Don't use your brain.

Let the computer do it. That's right. Type in the zip code. Let a British woman tell me what to do. So what is your deal with GPS? Do you think the GPS is possibly dangerous? I think it's a waste of money. And then also, one of my many non-researched opinions is I just don't like the fact that there's some sort of i don't

know what it they beam a signal up to a satellite it burns back down through the atmosphere and into my fucking car and there's somebody talking to me actually i think it doesn't beam anything out i think it just is like a receiver like it's always beaming at you and it picks up what it's being beamed at you all the time yeah yeah i don't want that i don't want stuff being beamed at you all the time. It's always being beamed at me. Yeah. Okay, yeah. I don't want that. I don't want stuff always beamed at me. No, it already is. You're getting it no matter what. Yeah, you're getting it right now. You're getting it right now.

How do you think I'm getting it right now? If you receive it, there's a beam coming at you. Okay, if there's something to receive it, like a box, like some sort of a GPS box, all that's doing is receiving something that's already there. If your brain is going to be affected by it it it's getting affected by what's already there no matter if you have a box or not you guys don't know

I have lead I have lead on the inside of my thing you guys I'm going to die earlier because you guys don't want to fucking use a Thomas guy

why would you think the GPS would be dangerous though it's like the radio being dangerous or this wifi we're doing this we're broadcasting this show to you

that plastic bottle you're drinking out is more dangerous it is if you leave it in your car see that classic bar room point right there there's Wi-Fi. We're doing this. We're broadcasting this show to you. That plastic bottle you're drinking now is more dangerous. It is if you leave it in your car. See that? Classic bar room point right there. That plastic bottle is more dangerous. Really?

You just got done doing research on that, didn't you? You have no idea. Yeah, it is because actually, like he said, if you keep it in your car, it actually releases female hormones. These things sit in warehouses for years.

Yeah, being heated up in a warehouse maybe. Hopefully not. Hopefully not. But they say that if you leave one in your car and it gets really hot out, it actually releases chemicals that, especially for men, are not good for you. Like female chemicals. Even if it's just in here, just the fact that it's in a plastic container. Yeah, the chemicals are in the plastic. See, well now you're on my page.

See, I like how you're concerned about this. That's what I'm saying. You're not concerned about the anything. And don't even hear me say, dude, you're going to fucking die die anyway it always ends up going to that by the way he just quit cigarettes like a month ago all right so oh there you go that's that's like that's like a a buddy of mine i had a buddy of mine was giving me shit um when i i went i was about ready to head out a friend of mine was uh oh it's a long story i don't name names what the fuck i was doing i was doing something we were gonna go celebrate we're gonna go get shit faced so this guy is married he has a kid so then he used to be a fuck up so i'm not married i don't have any kids

and he sends me that sends me a text he's like you know dude it's pretty funny you know how like how things turned out he's like i'm married and i have a kid now and uh responsibility and you're still out partying and it's just like it's just one of those things the fucking people just because you have a kid they think that automatically makes you responsible you're still a fuck up you just have you're just passing it on now well what's really funny is the the nobility that they attach to it and this is coming from someone who has two children but i used to get so annoyed when i would talk to people who had kids and they could would compare their life to my life they'd be like well look at you you know you're just a single guy just running around being the same guy what what the fuck do we have to make people is this is there

a shortage of fucking human beings there's six billion of us all right there's plenty of people you're not more noble because you're raising a person i commend you for it i hope you enjoy it i hope you you know you really commit to it you raise a good person that doesn't turn out to be a fucking psycho but it doesn't make you a more noble person because you have a child yeah that some of them think that i mean they get more moral they're more just they're doing the right thing they're not being silly with their life like it's so stupid this guy really wanted to go out and get wasted and he was jealous that i can continue to live my sad lonely life they stick it in your face it's funny single person so that i but he's a good shit though because i called him up the next day i'm like dude you fucking failed a drug test like six months ago and you took a header

off your front steps walking your dog down the street and you had a red mark looking like fucking Jimmy Snuka when I can't catch you, right? And you're giving me shit? Jimmy Snuka. Yeah. He comes with a Jimmy Snuka reference. The super fly. Remember that? He would get on the top rope.

Yeah, and he had all that scar tissue up there. I love you. He'd jump on the top rope. He did have that scar tissue. That's what the old school guys would cut their own forehead to bleed. Oh, yeah. You know, he's related to The Rock. Is he really?

The Rock is somehow related to Superfly Snooker. I think that was his uncle. You really? Somebody name me a cooler uncle than Jimmy Superfly Snooker. That's it. Impossible. Yeah, especially if you turn out to be a wrestler yourself. Jimmy Superfly Snooker was my favorite when I was in high school.

He was my number one. Bob Backlund was pretty good because he had a real wrestling stance. I appreciated that. He went in there and looked like he really knew how to wrestle. He would arm drag dudes and shit. I heard he didn't like a lot of the characters. Really? It's almost like a joke writer hating a performer.

You know, he's in there doing like the... Well, he was a real wrestler. You know, what really sucks about wrestlers? Wrestling is one of the toughest sports in the world, but there's no professional avenue for it. They tried it. They tried a professional wrestling league a few years back, but nobody wanted to watch it.

It hasn't caught on. When things haven't caught on, it's very hard to get them to catch on, unless it's something fucking crazy like mixed martial arts. Mixed martial arts is so crazy and so primal that once it started getting on TV, everybody's like, whoa, holy shit. It just gets everybody in.

You're not going to get that from wrestling. But wrestling is easily more exciting than a lot of sports that are already on TV, including soccer. Soccer's not as exciting as wrestling to me. I would way rather watch really good wrestling. I can defend soccer. I don't mind it.

Not American. American soccer is like if L.A. plays like D.C. Right. The Columbus Crew. Yeah. plays like D.C. Right. The Columbus Crew. Yeah. Yeah, that's horrible. It's horrible. But international level soccer is pretty badass.

Yeah, because now you're dealing with like the shit talking goes to a whole nother level. You're talking there's wars won and lost between the two teams. There's holocausts, genocide. Yeah, that's true. Different fundamental. And they're singing songs. You know, they're going nuts. They got their Elton John scarves on.

Do you hear what's going on in Africa? I forget what country it is in Africa. But two people have been killed and a bunch have been arrested for watching the World Cup. Because it's like a super extreme Muslim village that has a very extreme interpretation of the Quran. And apparently the Quran does not allow gambling, does not allow any sort of games, and does not allow dancing and any of those things they'll lock you up for. So this is considered a game.

Basically no happiness. No happiness. And so the World Cup is considered a game. It's no Friday night. So they're going door to door and arresting people for watching the World Cup. Brian, Google that real quick. Tell me what the fuck that is.

By the way, how's that coffee taste? It's great. It's coming out of an animal's butt. I'm loving that. Oh, really? This is the ass coffee. Oh, it's really good ass coffee. Isn't it smooth?

Yeah. There's a coffee called Kopi Luwak, and it comes from the butthole of a thing called a palm civet. This is an animal that eats coffee beans and shits them out. And they go through his digestive tract digestive tract and they pull these uh these little beans out of his shit clean them up and sell them and they make coffee out of them and the coffee's super smooth because is it an insect the end no it's like a cat like a civic you know what a civet is it's just big fucking well not big it's a little this is bullshit no no it's true it's totally true it's gross it's called kopi k-o-p-i luwak l-u-w-a-k it's not a. It's gross. It's called K-O-P-I-L-U-A-K. L-U-W-A-K.

It's not a cat. It's a civet, but it looks like a cat. It's got a long tail. It's like this weird animal that eats coffee beans. So it eats the beans, shits them out, and then somehow or another, I guess they thought the beans were worth too much money to let these animals eat. I'm like, fuck. Let's not let them go to waste.

Somebody must have been desperate when they first tried it, but now it's worth a lot of money. I probably wouldn't have tried it unless I'm deep in this coffee. I snuck in on you. But then what it has, it has, it added a new flavor.

Yeah, it changes the flavor. It makes it more mellow. It makes it taste better. It really does. It's good. Not that good. I like, my favorite coffee

is from Hawaii. But I'm a coffee freak. stuck it in his armpit. Did you find the story? Yeah, it said Somalians are going underground to watch band soccer. Is that what you're talking about? There's a bunch of arrests, too, because Somalia is fucking buck wild, man. You know that people's coast guard of Somalia, those guys that are just jacking people every day out there?

I know the Janjawee. I remember those guys. Do you know what they're doing? You know the whole thing about Somali pirates you know they're they're high on a drug they take this thing called cat it's like a plant that they uh they chew like the leaves of this plant and it's a narcotic it's like like crystal meth oh so like the boy soldiers over there i don't know what's the boy soldiers that's like when you're eight years old but you're a soldier oh well yeah i mean there's the war out over there is incredible yeah i mean you see dudes with like hyenas on chains and they're

carrying around fucking rocket launchers down the streets i mean some of the like liberia like some of the the videos about you ever seen the vice guide series online these guys they go to the some of the craziest fucking places in the world and you see some of the nuttiest shit like they went to the arctic circle with this guy who lives up there in a fucking cabin in the arctic circle and hunts caribou all day that's all he does like hunts and eats and hunts and eats so it happens when you tap out yeah now you this guy's been there for 30 years though it's really fascinating but anyway they went to north korea and they also went to liberia and liberia is fucking crazy they are they first of all,

there's been war in Liberia forever. Liberia was basically founded, from what I understand is they had American slaves that they let go and they sent them back to Africa and they formed Liberia and the UN was there until like really recently,

like 10, 20 years ago or something like that and now they're gone and the place is just chaos. It's just war and cannibalism is running rampant they're eating each other left and right they sell like human food on the corner like human meat and people don't know it and they buy it and guys turn people in and there's this one guy his name was

general butt naked because he would go to war and he would get butt naked and he believed that he could not be killed because he would eat the the blood and flesh of an innocent child of the enemy. So they would go to the enemy's camp. They would steal a child, kill the child, and eat a piece of its fucking heart because they felt like they wouldn't be able to die in combat. This is a guy that's alive right now. Sounds like a plan. You don't realize how fucking crazy the world can be until you watch what's going on in Africa. Yeah.

I mean, I don't know. I take a lot of comfort in knowing that I can only die once. How do you think? I don't think, like, you work out too much. You wouldn't be worth... Joe would be like a flank steak. You know, just some tough piece of meat. You know what I mean?

You want somebody more... Joey Diaz would be delicious. Oh, he'd be like veal. And you could sell him for days. If you think about the way Africa is right now with a lot of countries like Liberia and Somalia, it really is like the apocalypse. Like if that was going on right here, if that was over here, if we were in fucking North Hollywood, there was gangs that were eating each other and fucking shooting at each other and walking down the street with hyenas, we would go, okay, the end is here.

This is the end. Yeah, but you know what I love about that shit? Those are the guys who win. All these, who's that? Not Bill Bixby. What the hell is the name of that guy? The guy with the, he's been riding a bicycle out here forever. Solar panels and not Bill Bixby, Ed Bagley Jr.

Oh, Ed Bagley Jr. Bill Bixby. I'm bad with the names. Ed Bagley Jr. That green show, yeah. He's going to be, at the apocalypse comes, he's going to be fucked. I have this theory that people who gather all this shit for it, if you don't have, you need a militia.

Because if you don't, all you're doing militia because if you don't all you're doing is you're just turning your house into a supply room a target yeah yeah for the toughest guys who come down the block and then just just take it from you my car's like that my car has like walkie talkies in it it's got fucking like every single like thing like like sleeping bags just in case i have to escape this city real quick but it's starting to get retarded like i have like batteries that i could recharge by the sun and stuff like that do you realize the level of heads have to escape this city real quick but it's starting to get retarded like i have like batteries that i could recharge by the sun and stuff like that do you realize the level of heads up that you how on the inside you'd have to be that this entire city wouldn't be like gridlock right of

people leaving yeah yeah oh this city would be the worst ever there's they don't even know how many people in la that's why i won't fill out the census they're like you know fill out the census so what the fuck is the point there's about 20 million mexicans that you don't have a count on like they literally have no idea how many mexicans are here it's it's fucking just a flat out guess and i'm not i'm not shitting on mexicans i would do the goddamn same thing i my grandparents were immigrants i would be i got no problem with immigration i don't even believe in countries i think the whole thing is ridiculous. I mean, I think if they came over here, yeah, I would fuck things up.

But you know what? It's really, that's how it's supposed to be. You're not supposed to keep people impoverished in a shitty place just because, you know, you claim this patch of dirt and you don't let them over here. I think that's ridiculous. You know, if there weren't countries and you were just allowed to just sort of cruise around, like, where would you go?

That would be the problem is things would they would level out the problem is you let people go and move to wherever they want and people are always going to move to the place where it's better and they're going to abandon their shitty place but if you don't allow them they have to stay in their shitty place and make their shitty place better which they're never going to fucking do so you ensure that there's always going to be levels of people the only way to keep levels other than that is just fucking be heavily armed. You have to be armed to the teeth. Your whole town would have to be an armory.

You know, like literally, if you wanted to keep people out, you would have to constantly be shooting people. Plus the weapons they have now. I just love how they've been stealing money from our paychecks to basically invent these weapons that will make it impossible for... There'll never be another revolution. No. Other than, you know who's doing it right is that guy out there in the carolinas the blackwater guy whatever whatever the fuck it's called what are you talking about yeah that bill bixby guy out there the bill bixby that fucking dude who he buys like old f-16s and old tanks and he basically basically, they're saying if he wanted to, could take over the White House and all of

D.C. by the time they fucking responded. Who the fuck is this guy? He's fucking, he's a... Blackwater. So this is a private contractor? Yeah. I can't believe, Jesus Christ, I can't believe you haven't heard of the guy. No. Well, I know

there's one guy that was ahead of Blackpool. Comedy Central has a development deal with him. He's the final guy in show business. If he was funny, they would do it. Yeah, he has like, he's got like his own thing. Did it come up? Eric Prince? Isn't that the guy that got popped for murder?

He's being processed for a bunch of different things. for a bunch he's the guy he actually has his own he basically i from what i've heard has his own militia and actually hired he gets hired out by the u.s government for them to go over there when they want to do some covert extra filthy shit yeah this is the i have a friend who works there i have a friend who went over there who worked for who he worked for blackwater he went over there twice dude two seconds ago you asked me who they were no i know who blackwater is i didn't know who this guy is that stores all this weapons and i thought you were talking about the head guy a private guy no no well i have a friend who he was it was a sniper in the marines and when he got out he went

back over he went back i think he went to both afghanistan and iraq but he definitely went to afghanistan he went twice for money because uh he opening up a gym, a mixed martial arts gym, and he needed some cash. So he just went over there for a few months, and he made, like, some ridiculous amount of money, like something like $10,000 a month or something like that. It was a lot of money. So for him, he'd go over for a couple months, make $30,000, you know? Did he do, like, the stereotypical go up in the bell tower? Yeah, he was in a bell tower. Yeah, there was times where he was in a tower.

It's Eric Prince is the owner of Blackwater, so I'm guessing that's who you're talking about. That's the guy that's in trouble, right? Right, and he's like fleeing. He's in trouble. See, they had to take him down because he got too powerful because he could basically, that guy could write out any sort of uprising, any sort of craziness. The economy went crazy or whatever.

It's just like, yeah, well, I got guns and an endless bag of snow peas or whatever. And a bunch of mercenaries that are loyal to you that you've paid forever. You've been paying these guys to do all these campaigns for you overseas. They're all murderers for you. And you keep those guys on the line and say, hey, we're going to run this shit. I'm going to take care of you. You take care of me.

Semper Fi, motherfucker. Black Water for Life, the whole deal. And then they got a giant gang. And when it goes down, they can defend it. But then what always ends up happening is eventually is somebody always wants your title. So someone would want to be him. And that's how it goes down.

That's how it goes down in Mexico, the drug lords. That's true drug lord you know it's just a matter of time before something happens with one of those fucking guys you get a guy who's got that much power that many jets and fucking machine guns and tanks and shit he's gonna get a little nutty you want to use them yeah you know what i mean it's like you bought a bag of fireworks you're just gonna stick them in the corner of your bedroom wait till the next fourth of july you're not occasionally you're gonna light off an m80 oh they like to use them have you ever i mean this is the first time you know in in human history or rather in the history of the united states that we've had to deal with mercenaries we haven't had mercenaries in this country in a long long long fucking time this whole like giant mercenary corporation sort of a thing this is very recent this is just cheney and bush they didn't

use mercenaries during Clinton. There was no mercenaries during the Jimmy Carter days. You know, this is some crazy shit. Cheney and Bush, the Hall and Oates. I mean, the fact that they can hire these people to go do shit that you're not supposed to do. Shit that's not in the Geneva Convention. Shit that's totally illegal.

We've been doing that for a while, though. I know we have, but we haven't been doing it this openly. You know? Oh, yeah. They just hire a company to do it. They've been doing that for a while. I know we have, but we haven't been doing this openly. You know? Oh, yeah. They just hire a company to do it. Well, I think it's like when... They hire a company specifically for that. But I think it's like when

wrestling finally just came out and said it's sports entertainment. They're like, all right, you know, we hire these guys for some filthy shit. What do you want from us? It's entertaining though, right?

Yeah, and they changed it to WWE. Well, they changed the name of Blackwater. What is it now? I don't know. Something short. Something, you know... Something happier. Yeah, it's Bunny Rabb don't know. Something short. Something happier. Yeah, Bunny Rabbits Incorporated.

Sleer water. Fresh drinking water for everybody. Babies are us. Arrowhead. Yeah. We love the children. That's what they changed it to. Yeah, I don't know.

There's two schools of thought. One is the world's a fucked up place. Look at what's going on in Africa. Look at what's going on in the Middle East. Don't you want somebody over there protecting you? They're just trying to keep America cool, keep our standard of life, keep our standard of living the same. I see that argument too.

But then you see also the other argument. I don't believe in that whole that those guys have to live the way they live so I live the way I live. So those guys on top can have as much as they have. Well, that's definitely much more likely. You know what was pissing me off the other day? But I think they also do keep, it's a twofold argument. One, it's like they keep conflict going on,

and the more conflict they keep going on, the more we're going to need government, the more we're going to need protection. I mean, that's been proven, that they create conflict in other parts of the world in order to control different regions. They'll arm someone if their enemy is the other side, and they'll fuck with things. We manipulate it.

Yeah, but all that bullshit where they justify sweatshop labor and moving factories out of the U.S., and they just went around the unions, and then they just justified it by saying, they always say, in order to compete in a global economy, it's like, fuck you. It's like, in order for you to get another yacht. Yeah.

You know what I mean? You can't legally pay a child, you know, whatever the fuck they pay over there. In America. Yeah. Yeah, you can't do it. So they just went around all of that shit. Right. And then they stuck all of, everybody's in cubicles now.

Dude, that's what scares me when I go on the road. But that gets to who is they. See, because we were just talking about the military before we were talking about the military now we're talking about now i'm talking about corporations yeah i'm talking about big business where i think corporations are at the end you know every quarter they have to show a profit they're at the end of what of legal ways to do it so now they're just straight up beginning to steal like my fucking bank that's taking 28 bucks a month out of my account for no reason. I didn't even notice,

you know, on the road, one of those fucking accounts you just, you know, have a couple hundred, but I finally said, dude, why are you taking 28 bucks out of this?

And they did it on the laptop. Oh yeah, we shouldn't be doing that. I go, all right, well, I've had this for five years. Let's go back. They go,

unfortunately, sir, our records only go back four months. Wasn't that convenient? I bet if I was getting 28 bucks from you, you know, the other way, I bet they would fucking go back to the 60s. Same thing happened to me.

It was three months. And this is what they said to me. I said, what if I bring in all my records? What if I bring in all my records? And then they go, sir, still, we're only going to reimburse you four months. I go, that's ridiculous. And the guy at the bank goes, well, the bank looks at it like that's on you. Right.

Because I didn't catch him. It's on you to pay attention that they're stealing? Yeah, it's up to you to pay attention. Yeah, what he was basically saying was lawyer up. Yeah. Lawyer up, buddy. Go ahead. Pretty much how it works is that's why you have 30 days.

For credit cards, you have 30 days to return shit. You have 30 days to make sure all these charges are correct once you get past 30 days then you're pretty much screwed so they do other shit where if you if you say you're one of these guys i pay up my balance every month and you think you're getting them this is what they do is if uh if you pay it three days before it's uh this guy was telling me it ends up being late because they send it somewhere else to be processed they deliberately they artificially delay it so by the time it does get to them right um it's messed up and this is one of those other things someone told me that in a starbucks and i got i got three quarters away through the sentence and i realized i didn't have any official right words i do know i do know

there has to be something official because nowadays you can write a check and within hours that check clears your bank. And I'm like, that's a check, and it's going through in two hours? And they're like, yes, this is – technology hasn't changed in the banking system, so this is new. But yet if you try to pay something off or do something like that, it's like immediately – I mean it takes like three days on your – like transfer funds. Right. It takes like three days. What? It makes no sense.

It can't be bad. Because it's not there. It's artificial. However long they can hold on to your money, they make interest off your money too. So I guess if you think about it like that, like if they hold on to your money an extra few days before they do something and you add that up over the million people they have in their bank and the 365 days a year, that practice probably nets them a significant amount of money, if you look at it like that. 28 bucks from every shithead like me who doesn't check for a fucking year. And I didn't notice until it went under 1,000 bucks,

because I knew I had 1,000-something in there. It was one of the accounts I had back east. So I came out here, and I was always meaning to close it out. I had like 1,200 bucks or something in it, and then all of a sudden I'm out here for like a year and a half and all of a sudden I get my statement. And it was like down to like $900-something bucks. And that is on me.

It is on me because I didn't realize that your bank could fucking steal from you and then just say, well, you know, go fuck yourself. That's kind of your fault. Tell you what, we'll give you like $80, $90 back. All right there, buddy? So is that what they gave you? They gave you like three months back? I don't even know if they did the guy just said he would i walked out disgusted and then uh the nba finals started bred their circus and i started watching that and i never followed up

there's actually something that just passed you guys uh especially the audience might want to check this out uh used to be a credit card like a bank or a credit card could like uh if you had like seven charges go through at the same time, they can take out all those seven charges and then charge you seven overdraft fees. That's how they used to be able to do it. But something just passed recently that you could tell your credit cards and your bank that if there's no money in your account, you're not allowed to pull money out. So they're trying to trick you into signing and going, no, let's keep it the old way. So they'll call you up or they'll tell you like, hey, you want to make sure all these charges go through, right? Yeah, well, you need to accept these.

Is that what that letter was about? That's what that new letter is. That letter was that I blew off? Yeah, don't blow it off. Tell all your credit card companies, know that if there is no money in the account, you don't want it to go through. And you'll save yourself all those over. You'll never have an overdraft charge again. So they're forcing overdraft fees on people they're trying to they're trying to go back to the old way where

like you would have seven things go through like a three dollar charge and then you get charged $39 for an overdraft fee you're like well why did it go through i had no money in my account you know you made a deposit to cover it they let they input the deposit last last right and then bam bam bam and they nail it well the deposit takes deposit takes 90 days to go through where the charge only takes three seconds. Yeah. I'm sorry, sir. Change that. I know.

I understand. There's nothing we can do. I love that. That's what you always get. There's nothing we can do. I don't nip you. I got on a plane ticket the other day, and I show up, and all of a sudden, I don't have a seat reservation.

I have one on the way out. Well, it's oversold. Well, I didn that and then and then the lady has like an attitude with me and it's like what the fuck I spent four five hundred bucks they asked me where I wanted to sit I picked out the fucking seat and I was told to have a reservation and then you oversold you oversold did you imagine if you did that with a car yeah so you see if somebody pays for a car and you go okay your car's waiting for you and the guy comes down no no it was oversold. Did you imagine if you did that with a car? Yeah. So somebody pays for a car, and you go, oh, okay, your car's waiting for you. And the guy comes down, no, no, it was oversold. I oversold the car.

That should be against the law. I wanted to make sure I sold the car, so I sold it twice. Yeah, but that's not even as bad because you can get in your car and fucking drive home. Imagine if they go. What if somebody dropped you off there? No, no, we oversold whatever car you have. So they had to come and take yours and took it away, and you're fucking sitting in house going yeah but i i have to go to the airport i'm sorry sir there's nothing we can do how can how can they do that i don't i don't care if they're losing money how can they

sell more seats than there are seats that should be that should be i think they thought they figured out a way to have like remember 10 years ago when you used to go on the road how many times was the seat next to you empty? All the time. And occasionally you'd get the whole row and you'd curl up. Back in the good old days. The good old days. The good old days.

When does that happen now? It never happens now because they'll always say like... They cancel flights and jam people together. There you go. They don't give a fuck about your convenience. That's right. And they'll just give away tickets to people that will... Like, hey, you get a free ticket if you wait till the next flight.

So they're not actually overselling it because they'll get rid of those tickets for you you know what though when the way i look at it that you have to have fucking airlines or i i wouldn't have a job i literally need airlines to get along no no i'm not most people don't i'm not against airlines i'm not even i mean telling me i have a whatever the fuck i hate that too but whatever the fuck they have to do to stay in business for us for, could you imagine if you had a fucking drive to all your gigs? Could you imagine if you had a drive if you had a New York gig? Okay, I got a gig on Friday in New York, so it's Monday. I'm packing up my car.

Could you fucking imagine? No, you know what would be great? Would be immediately how regional all our comedy would become. Oh, sorry. Back in the day in Boston. I had jokes when i uh there was a a chain like 7-eleven called christie's remember that yeah i'll never forget the first time i did a gig outside of boston i went up i think it was like new hampshire and i had some

stupid joke about winning the lottery how nobody respects you like you move into a rich neighborhood and they're like what do you do i'm a doctor i did this i'm a brain surgeon what do you do i say oh i went to christie's like you know meaning i got a lottery ticket it wasn't even a good fucking joke to begin with and then i went up to new hampshire and i told the joke and i'm like i went to christie's it was the first time i used a reference that nobody fucking got and i was remember the high five you were gone by then the high five gig where was that the top of the only skyscraper in like manchester new hampshire oh no they're. Yeah, yeah, and I ate my balls. I used to do a lot of local material when I was living in Boston

because it would kill, you know. So you'd do jokes about girls in Revere with big bulletproof hairdos and a lot of like regional shit. And then when I would go on the road, it was like I was disarmed. Like none of my references would work. I would tell a Revere Beach joke and you would get like recognition laughter in Boston. But when you're on the road,

they just, okay, where's the joke? Well, you remember those guys and they'd go down to Jersey and be like, what's the equivalent to Revere Beach down here? Yes, yes, yes. You got to regionalize all your references. The only time that's happened lately is if I go over to Europe and i was saying to somebody the other day one of the few things that not only i didn't

have to change but fucking destroyed was a reference to uh uh rick flair really that's how rick flair that's how big those guys are wow fucking. Fucking destroyed in London, Dublin, and Glasgow, Scotland. Well, they have a lot of American culture over there, England especially. I find that English, American comedians translate way quicker to England than England do to American. Yeah, we're snobs over here. We hear like a British accent.

We're like, English. Yeah, but I mean, but I'm saying like the comedy doesn't translate as well. They have a very specific type of humor, but they get ours, you know? Yeah. I don't know what, what I feel like.

I feel like when British comedians or comedians from over there, I either love them or I not only not, do I not like them, but I feel like they're like 15 years behind the time, which is odd. It's so nice over there. It's almost like the attitude they have as a country, as a culture, hampers their ability to tell real stand-up. Because real stand-up, there's a part of real stand-up that's like, what the fuck are you doing? You know, they don't have that.

They don't get that. But somehow it comes out in their music, though. Like, it always seems like, you know, everything from like the Sex Pistols to fucking ozzy osbourne these all these these broke angry fucking dudes it comes out of fighting too there's a lot of tough mma guys that come out of the uk yeah somehow i'm trying to think they're more polite there's something about their humor it's just like they're you know what it is it's cheeky isn't that the word that cheeky cheeky i don't know what it is it's just some of them are really good you know it's just but some of them are really good, you know. But some of them, it just doesn't. You know, and I think, first of all, the style of comedy that you and I come from, too,

you get very spoiled for a certain particular type of comedy. Boston comedy is a very specific kind of comedy. If you stop and think about how many good comics have come from Boston, you know. Jay Leno came from Boston. Stephen Wright came from Boston. Guys that people don't know that are probably better than 90% of the fucking people

that are like big name comics like Gavin. Don Gavin is one of the funniest guys that ever walked the fucking face of the earth. He's a monster. He's a masterful comedian. I think it's all like the East Coast. I think all the way down to like D.C.

the amount of guys. But I think that's also – But no, Boston was a rare place. Because we're from – yeah, Boston does have a lot of big guys. Because they didn't leave. They didn't leave. Those guys stayed there. No one left Boston.

The big monsters, Steve Sweeney, Kenny Rogerson, Don Gavin, Mike Donovan. When I was a kid, okay, and when I first started doing open mics there, and those guys were all the national headliners, or the local headliners, rather. They'd be at Nick's, and they'd be at The Connection. I remember sitting there watching those guys, and they would have some national guy would come through, like Billy Crystal. And Billy Crystal would come through, and they would put on Don Gavin, Steve Sweeney, and Lenny Clark in a a row and then bring up Billy Crystal. Yeah, it wasn't fair. They did it on purpose.

Yeah, oh yeah. They knew that the level of comedy was so high there. And these guys were only doing 20 minutes tight. Tight 20 minutes, but they're also doing, a lot of them were doing local references. Dude, I don't give a, if you put on four local headliners in front of me, if I'm on the road, yeah, I'm fucked. You're fucked. Well, you're fucked

for the first couple minutes until you can get them into your groove. But people love local shit and Boston especially. Boston is such a city that's in love with being from Boston.

Mike Donovan was one of my favorites. His name doesn't get brought up enough when people talk to Greg. He used to do that joke about his comedy was so blue collar and I was coming up, you know, working in warehouses and stuff. It was weird. Both my parents were professional white collar, but I was a moron. So I fucked up in school.

So I had like blue collar jobs. So his comedy was just right out over the plate. He did something. He had some sort of back and forth with the boss. And he made this reference, you know, tell him the boss to go fuck himself he said i'll take a 20 minute shit on the clock if i want to and i fucking fell out because it was always that lazy fuck wouldn't help unload the trucks he had every goddamn trick in the book on how to somehow make that eight hour day go by and one of them was when he would grab the herald of the Globe to go take a shit, and it would somehow take like fucking 40 minutes every day.

Donovan was a—he's another one. He's a master. There was a bunch of guys that were around back then. I mean, they're still around. I'm sure Donovan—if you live in Boston, you could probably find him headlining somewhere. I mean, he's still doing comedy, I'm sure, right? I know he ran afoul into the IRS for a bit. A lot of those guys that were working for cash for a long time,

they weren't paying taxes on it. I didn't hear anything about that. I heard they were all up to date. I don't know what you're talking about, Joe. Yeah, you're right. You know what? I misheard. I misheard.

I think those are those guys out in Long Island. I think some of them did that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I misheard. Oh, here's another one that doesn't get brought up. Teddy Bergeron. You ever get a chance to see Teddy Bergeron? Yeah, yeah. Holy holy shit that guy was good

let me tell you something I saw that guy in 1988 I was at an open mic night it was one of the first times that I thought about quitting comedy I went up it was an open mic night and I went up and I did my little five minutes of fucking nonsense stupid terrible bad comedy

just trying to make people laugh didn't know what the fuck i was doing and didn't go so good you know those early sets it was like one of my third or fourth sets so not so good clumsy you know maybe one laugh and then i fuck it up with a swag punchline and i just didn't know what i was doing teddy bergeron goes up and just so fucking smooth. Smooth and relaxed and the way he would talk just like mesmerizing. And I had heard about his Tonight Show fucking set.

He had just done the Tonight Show and somebody had a video of it and they played the video and he plays the fucking piano. He does like this, talks about commercials and he plays the piano

and talks about it. It's so fucking smooth and so good. You would look at him and you'd go, okay, this guy's gonna be gigantic. This guy's gonna be bigger than than robin williams he's going to be the biggest stand-up comic in the country never left boston just stayed yeah they all stayed i don't yeah they were they were it was like townies they were like townies but uh but comedians but

that they all got work they all got work in boston they didn't have to leave see when they were working at Nick's Comedy Stop and they were working at Stitches and all these different clubs, they could hop around from club to club. You ever see that documentary France Salamita did? Stand-up stood out. Yeah, and Lenny Clark talks about all the different sets that he did. He would do all these different sets at night, and how he'd go from here to there and there to there and there to there and close. They'd be making $1,500 a night. Yeah, and he'd just hire a driver just to wait outside and do all the sets

what i love about those guys is there was almost like a height requirement too like they were all like fucking six two six three huge guys and they could like literally would have like a keg of beer over one shoulder and like an eight ball in their hand and would just be going from club to club destroying. Destroying. Hammered and doing blow all the way. Yeah, just to keep their buzz going. And then at the end of the night, dude, I heard some fuck at that back room at Nick's, man.

Oh, they offered to pay me in Coke. What? Yeah, they would offer to pay you in Coke. Yeah, that was the deal. Did they go, you do Coke? I go, no. We can pay you in Coke. No.

I'll take cash. Yeah, I'll take cash. What the fuck? Like, I thought that was the deal. Did you do coke? I go, no. We could pay in coke. No. I'll take cash. Yeah, I'll take cash. What the fuck? Like, I thought that was a joke. I didn't realize they pay you in coke. They offer to pay you in coke. And that was what a lot of guys did. A lot of guys got some of their money in coke.

Because I guess... Are comedians and porn stars the two careers that can get paid in coke if it had to come down to it? Yeah. I would say probably bands, too. Probably a lot of bands a portion of the boxers back in the day they'd give you some chips you ever see that i know it's just a photo op thing but you ever see that that great picture of sonny liston yeah where he's uh looks like he just knocked somebody out and he's sitting there still in his boxer trunks

hands taped up i think his hands were on but i that had to have been a promotional even even those mob guys be like come on son Sonny. Let's get you showered here. Let's get you showered. Don't you think that starting out in Boston was like one of the best places you could have ever chose to begin your comedy career? I think about that a lot. So lucky. Whenever I think about that.

When did you start? What year? I started in March of 92. I was like 23, almost 24. So I started a little bit late. And I remember just some of the times like when I've gone on the road and you meet the up and coming guys.

Like, yeah, the comedy scene here sucks and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like it sucks so bad, like they don't even know what to do. Yeah. And you always tell them, well, just go out and start a room. Like some of them like, you know,

the scene's so bad, they don't even think of doing that. It's like, what do you mean start a room? It's like, well, just go out and start a room. Like some of them, like, you know, the scene's so bad, they don't even think of doing that. It's like, what do you mean start a room? It's like, oh, pick a fucking sports bar that does no business on a Monday, Tuesday, and tell them that you're going to get people in here. You know, lie to them. You know, you're going to get people to come in to watch these fucking open micers do five minutes each.

Dude, the first time I ate my fucking balls on stage, I was doing this place like Kelly's something or other, in either Redding or North Redding. It doesn't exist anymore. This comedian, Jack Lynch, booked it. And there would literally be like a Bruins game on TV. And they wouldn't shut the game off either. Fuck no. No, you had to do comedy over the game.

Yeah. And the volume for the game was still on too. Yeah. A lot of those gigs down the Cape, I did a lot of those gigs. And you'd find out the fucking game was on while you got there. Like, fuck the game. Are they going to leave the game on? That was like always an issue. Yeah. Are they going to leave the game was still on too yeah a lot of those gigs down the cape i did a lot of those gigs and you'd find out the fucking game was on while you got there like fuck the game are they gonna leave the game on that was like an always an issue yeah you're gonna leave the game and if they said all right we're gonna turn the game off they would turn the game off everybody go what the fuck you're fucking shutting the game off you're shutting the fuck and then you would have to

go do comedy for a bunch of people were angry at you for shutting the game off it was brutal and i remember the second question other than uh are you gonna uh are you gonna shutting the game off it was brutal and i remember the second question other than uh are you gonna uh are you gonna shut the game off is is there a stage that was another thing no you just stand you just stand right over there dude i remember doing a gig this is how green we were it was me uh al del benny patrice o'neill and i want to say Dane Cook was on it and we were so Bobby Kelly I think it was his gig that he booked

we were so green and years later I finally figured it out they gave us this microphone it was a lapel mic oh my god so we had to go up and do comedy

with just like a lapel on like we were doing Letterman but we were so green we didn't know that you clipped it on so we were all standing there holding I swear to god holding a lapel mic i remember patrice he's like fucking six five holding because i remember that's right del benny al del benny was hosting he's like what the fuck

is up with this mic he's like this is the smallest mic ever look i'll put it my head in his mouth and we're all laughing at them like yeah what a half-assed fucking. And we were so stupid that we didn't understand what it was. And Al would bring me up and then hand me the mic like a teacup with his pinkies out, and I would just be like, hey, keep it going for Al. And my dad, he was pretty nuts growing up with like three fingers up in the air holding this thing. Have you done stand-up on a talk show with a lapel mic? Yeah, I actually really like it.

Do you? Yeah. You ever thought about going Bobby Brown style on stage talk show with a lapel mic? Yeah, I actually really like it. Do you? Yeah. You ever thought about going Bobby Brown style on stage? Y'all ready for this? I know Chris Titus does that. Titus wears like a headgear thing. I don't like that. I don't like jackets, and I don't like the head.

I don't know how you do comedy with a jacket on. I don't mind it if it's cold. If it's cold, I'll wear a jacket on stage. It makes me feel comfortable. I can wear a zip- I can wear a zip up but the sport coat it just it doesn't move

with the shirt I wore a sport coat the first time I went on stage because I thought that's how you're supposed to dress I had a sport coat with the sleeves rolled up like this

I was talking about that Miami Vice t-shirt I had a wacky t-shirt a t-shirt with like a silly smile on it because I thought that's how you and a pin

I had like a button or something on my fucking sports coat did you guys see Chris Rock on Leno the other day just owning? Oh, that was so great. What happened? Just fucking with him.

Like, Jay, what you doing here? Last time I was here, there was a dude with red hair. And then he started saying that Kevin, the band guy, you got a cheaper brother. And the guy's like, man, that's cold. It was pretty funny. He attacked. He attacked. It was uncomfortable.

He kept on going into it. Like, you could tell Jay went in like, let's do something else. It was perfect. Dude, that is one of the most amazing things I've ever seen. What is? How he got that show back. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's crazy.

It's fucked up. I don't disagree with him, though. Look, you know, everybody puts it this way. Look, the guy was on top. He was fucking number one. Number one. And they come along and say, we're going to lose you or we're going to lose Conan unless we give him the Tonight Show. So we want to give him the Tonight Show.

And he's like, what? Fucking really? You're going to take my gig away from me? And so he goes, okay, all right. And under duress, he offers to give up the gig in five years. See, that's the thing. But he's number one. I don't think it's under duress. He was number five., that's the thing. But he's number one. I don't think it's under duress.

He was number five. I think he's brilliant. But he was number one. So he gets kicked off. They put this new guy on. The new guy is bombing. He's eating dick. Okay, that's what

nobody wants to talk about. Conan O'Brien on The Tonight Show wasn't that good. Yeah, but Leno's doing the exact same ratings right now as Conan was. Okay, but Leno... Time out.

No, no, no. We're going to go back to that. It dropped substantially. It dropped substantially. It dropped substantially from where it was before. From where it was when Leno was hosting it to where it was.

Yeah, but ratings in general. I can refute all that. They fucked Conan. Hold on a second. They fucked Conan by not letting him do any of his... He couldn't do

the masturbating bear. Couldn't do all these different sketches. Couldn't do Triumph the Insult Dog. Couldn't do any of that shit. All right, but here's the thing, too. Because it's an 11 o'clock show.

They fucked it. If when Jay Leno got to Tonight Show, if he had to follow Johnny Carson bombing for an hour. You're totally right about that. The 10 o'clock, that was the worst decision ever. But that's like if a comedian bombs in front of you for a half hour in front of you. I mean, you've got to spend. Well, not only that. You've got to spend, Jack, the the Tonight Show because the Tonight Show was always the

late night show where guys would go on and all the guests would go on and it would be like an important spot. Well, the 10 o'clock spot became just as important, so they were like siphoning off guests. You couldn't have a guy who's promoting Mel Gibson goes on Jay Leno's show and then goes on a Tonight Show as well. No, you're only going to have one or the other. Yeah, and TV is all about the leading.

So the brilliance of it was Jay bombing actually fucked Conan. They gave Conan, we had this show for like six months. Right. But before they started going like,

all right, let's get this guy out of here and he got it back. Now, I think... I think taking... I think it was a brilliant move. But taking it away from it. I think it was a brilliant... Brilliant... The way Jay played it away from it. I think it was a brilliant move. The way Jay played it was absolutely brilliant.

I don't think he bombed on purpose. No, no, I'm not saying he bombed on purpose. But the way he played it, like, yeah, yeah, sure, I'll do it. And then the fucking 12th hour, yeah, I'm going to leave, but I'm not retiring. And then they freaked the fuck out. So this is how I look at it. I understand Jay being like, look, I have the number one show. What are you kicking me off for?

He's totally right about that. But I also – I don't look at Conan like he failed. Like, Conan – No, no, no. Conan got fucked. Conan got fucked. Yes. He got fucked because –

I completely agree. But what I'm saying is you've got to realize that Jay Leno had the number one spot. He was number one in the late night wars before they gave it to Conan. So why would he give a fuck? If they gave the show to Conan and offered it back to him, why would he not take it? Conan took it from him. I don't...

But everybody's making out like Jay is this asshole for taking Conan's job. Wait, Conan took his job. Conan's not a poor man. He's a rich man. We're really worried about him here? It didn't work. What's fucked up about it is Conan keeps saying,

don't feel bad for me. He made a great little... He said a great little thing on his last episode. He said, don't be cynical. I hate people who are cynical. He said this really positive thing. Don't feel bad for me. Played fucking Freebird with the band. Went out like a man.

And that was it. He's never bitched about it or any of that type of shit. Dude, they gave him $40 fucking million. I think that would smooth things over a bit. See, no matter what Conan does, he's an asshole. I don't think he's an asshole. No, no, no, no, no. He's not an asshole.

I'm a big fan of his show. He gave a lot of that money out to people he worked with. I know he did. If they wanted to fucking move back, he felt bad for those guys. Yes, yes. The only thing that I find annoying about Jay Leno is acting as though he isn't a shrewd businessman. I mean, I'm going to 10. I'm going to 10.

He does do that, but if that's how he wants to portray himself, who gives a fuck? That's fine. But I'm saying that's the only thing that fucking annoys me about the whole thing. The only thing that annoyed me was when everybody's making a big deal like, Jay's taking Conan's job. But Conan took Jay's job. And Jay took Johnny's job.

He fucking forced him out. Did he really? Yeah. I don't know about that. How did he force him out? That fucking really? Yeah. I don't know about that. How did he force him out? That fucking book I read. I read The Late Shift. That fucking book I read.

The fucking Late Shift book. It's hilarious how much people pay attention to these late night wars. No, but this is the thing, though. If Jay only got... First of all, Jay, without Johnny bombing in front of him, going on after fucking ER and Seinfeld and all those hit shows, dude. It still took him 18 months. Remember, Letterman was kicking the shit out of him.

Yes, until he got Hugh Grant on. It took him 18 months to get a go at something. You know what's really funny about this argument? To give him only six fucking months, and he's got to follow the previous host, eating his balls for a half hour in front of him. It was bullshit. It was a ridiculous idea. It was a ridiculous idea. It was a ridiculous idea. They were just afraid to let Conan go. And Conan was like, look,

I want the fucking Tonight Show. And they didn't want to give it to him. They go back and forth. And so they give it to him. They thought that Jay's numbers were going to drop in five years. They're like, all right, he's going to be pushing 60. Who's going to want to watch this now? That's the dumbest thing ever. Johnny Carson got better as he got older.

That's ridiculous. This is what I think. I think Conan's going to be way better off on a network that just lets him do whatever the fuck he wants. I think TBS is going to let him go crazy. And he owns his show, dude. He owns that show. It's going to be so much...

He's brilliant. And, you know, when Conan is at his best, when you get to see how funny it is... Like, you ever see that one sketch they did about baseball? A bunch of people who play baseball, like 1800s baseball. They wear vintage clothes. They make their own clothes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I saw that sketch. Fucking genius. Hilarious. Because he just goes balls out. It's just him, you know? It's just him being funny. I guarantee you they fucked with him too much when they switched him over to 11 o'clock. They probably cut all the the like the meat and

the anything controversial out of his monologues or out of his sketches they probably stopped him from doing a lot of shit yeah and he said when he left don't feel bad for me and people are still saying that he's uh he's whining which i don't get i mean he did he did jokes about in his monologue what the fuck he's supposed to do yeah is this sitting there talking about maybe you're gonna get replaced you're supposed to go out there and be like hey did you see the earthquake in Haiti?

It was funny when they had a car I think it was a Bugatti a million dollar car and they played the Rolling Stones Get No Satisfaction and there was a sketch just to spend money

Oh yeah I saw that Yeah Which I'm sure is bullshit It is bullshit But it's still pretty funny It's pretty funny that he did it like that

Speaking of that I was watching one of those car auctions yesterday. And I'm just sitting there looking at all these awesome old cars that I would love to own. And as the price kept going up and up and up on some fucking Ferrari, I started to resent the people in the crowd. Like, are these the bankers? Is this what they did with the Trillium?

Who the fuck has the money? There was some... If you can bring it up for your listeners, there's a fucking car in 1958 that BMW made. It was designed by a guy

who actually was in refrigerating or whatever. Literally, the front of the car fucking opens up like a refrigerator and you walk out the front and there's one back door.

It's like a mini car. A 1950, I think it's a BMW 600 or 300. There it is. Bring that thing up, okay? What the fuck? It's a hunk of shit. It's the Isetta? Yes.

I-S-E-T-T-A, 1957. Oh, I've seen that before. I've seen one of those. It looks like a little mini car. Yeah, it looks just like it. There's one in this European car magazine. Spin around so we can see it. So basically,

look, it's got one wiper in the front. It's a five-year-old could get licensed to drive the thing. So this guy paid like 11 grand for it. He's like,

you know, I'm hoping to get 30. Hey, I got 35. I got 35. I got 40. The fucking thing went for $67,500. $67,000 for that?

$67,500 for that hunk of shit. Guys like Jay Leno, those car collector dudes, they like to have old cars, rare old cars. Yeah, but never mind. Jay's money's clean. He didn't stand up. He's doing that. I'm talking about these other fucking guys. It's like, you're not famous.

How do you know who's in the audience and where they got their money from? Dude, what are they, All Invented PlayStation? Maybe they own farms. They sell LCD electronics. Who knows? That's what I'm saying. Let me ask you, what do these fucking bankers spend all their money on? Dude, they took a trillion dollars.

Where did it go? They're at the fucking car auctions. The amazing thing about that whole banker thing, the whole bailout, was that those guys still wanted bonuses. They still wanted bonuses even though their bank failed and the government had to give them billions of dollars. They're like, let's be on that.

They got the fucking houses. They got the bailout money. They kept it. Then they're fucking guys like me, 28 bucks a month. Our records only go back four months. And they kept the money

and they got the fucking houses back to do it again. They're going to do it again. Cunts. I swear to God, they should get the death penalty. You touch a kid, you fuck with an animal

or you make old people eat dog food for the last 15 years of their life when they thought they were going to live in their houseboat or their dreams.

You should be fucking murdered publicly. Bernie Madoff, dead. Just kill him. Bernie Madoff is a lightweight. He's a lightweight? 50 billion?

That's nothing? But he only fucked over six people. These guys fucked over a whole country. It's six it up it's on wikipedia i'm kidding no bernie made off bernie made off is the sacrificial lamb that guy should be killed too but he was the guy like the funny thing is is people look at bernie made off and they look like like they well they took down one of the bankers he He's not a banker. He was like a fucking investment banker. Yeah.

I don't know what I'm talking about. He was like one of those private guys. Like, Joe, I know what to do with your fucking money. Yes. He didn't have like an ATM that you could use. No. He was one of those guys. The Smith Barney guys, right?

He fucked a lot of important people. Jesus, I'm stupid. Well, he fucked a bunch of people that should have known better. There was a lot of people That were in the business That's how I just like that At least he fucked Other rich people

Yeah He fucked most rich But he fucked also A bunch of like Different Jewish groups That had charities He fucked charities over He fucked a lot of people over

But he was He was fucking over people That were in the whole The industry The financial industry So they should have known What he was doing Was fucked up And they still were in the whole the the the industry the financial industry so they should have known what he was doing was fucked up and they still were like but look at the returns and so they just dove in even though like none of it made sense there was people that were calling

for an investigation into his his firm like years and years ago and they ignored it they just kept going the guy was the fucking head of the FCC at one point in time or what is it the New York Stock Exchange what was he the head of NASDAQ was it NASdaq he was the head of i don't know i think he was the head of nasdaq and the not fcc he's the head of nasdaq and this fucking guy goes on to be the biggest ponzi scheme mastermind in the history of the country i mean that's pretty incredible a guy that like worked in the system he must have known that it's impossible to figure it out like i always i never paid attention like i look at the stock market i see all those numbers going back and forth and i'm always like what the fuck is all that what does that even mean you know i somebody knows it's a crap table dude you know

it seems like it's all bullshit but look obviously there's this alan greenspan guy seems very bright he's got everything under wraps someone knows until this whole financial collapse came along and this bernie madoff thing came along i was like oh they don't even know nobody even knows nobody knows how this thing works no it's a it's a belief system that's crazy yeah you have to believe that like i started reading it's a belief that's what i did i started reading up on it and i started you know as i always do i read a little bit and then i start pontificating and then two follow-up questions and my whole argument falls on the ground. But after reading a little bit more, I read that book, The Case Against the Fed, and I

stopped talking to people about it because it's like if I really start informing people and everybody knows, this whole thing is going to fucking collapse. So I just became part of the lie. So now I'm – Just play dumb. Yeah. No, no. It's all set.

I like people going you put your money in the bank it's safe it's insured up to 200 really and you're gonna go with insurance companies the only people fucking more corrupt yeah it's insured until it isn't the craziest thing is when you go to new york and times square and you see that one building that has the national debt and how it's accumulating and it's just spinning just They had to add an extra fucking zero to it recently. Oh yeah. Humming around.

They had like we hit a point the legal amount of debt we're allowed to have so we didn't know what the fuck to do so they had a quick meeting and then they just doubled it.

They just doubled what the legal amount is. There you go. Okay so now it's not a problem. We're only halfway there now. Yeah, dude, I got to admit, there's a lot of terrifying things about living out here in Los Angeles, living in a city that is in a bankrupt state. It doesn't really have a water supply, technically.

You live in a fucking desert. The property is really overrun. And all that crazy drug cartel shit I mean is essentially right there a couple hours drive geographically it's right down the fucking street

two hours drive it's like if you're living in Afghanistan and the war is two hours away you'd be like wow we're pretty close to the shit

you know what I'm saying like we could take a road trip you want to go to the war today yeah literally especially when you're in San Diego

whenever I'm down in San Diego you're fucking half an hour from Tijuana. It's unsettling. And those, you know something? This is something.

I wish there was a Mexican comedian here right now. I really wish there was. It's called Willie Barsano. Because this one I've always wondered is why they got so offended by that sign that has the running family across the street right why is that offensive they we don't want to run over you people are embarrassed because they're embarrassed by the idea that mexicans have to get into this country that way and you know oh i get it it's embarrassing it's not realistic because there's only three people in the family it's embarrassing the whole idea about mexico being, you know, it's got to be embarrassing.

There's no other place in the world that I know of where there's a first world country connected to a third world country, you know? But what the fuck is the solution? See, if you open the borders and you let people go everywhere, like I said, this is not going to last. No, you can't.

This standard of living that we have in America, it wouldn't be the same. If we had open borders and anybody could just immigrate to America, it would get fucked quick. Yeah, you got to have the gated community. Well, that's what the United States is. It's like a big fucking gated community. Well, I don't think you should just be able to walk.

Can I? Like, we get a lot of shit for that. I mean, can you just walk into France? Can you do that? You can pretty much go anywhere you want to if you wanted to. You know? Well, I'm saying legally. Can I just start living in France? Can you do that? You can pretty much go anywhere you want to if you wanted to. You know? Well, I'm saying legally. Can I just start living in France?

I don't know. I think you could go there. No, I know I can go there and visit and get fucking... Actually, that's one of my things I really want to do is I want to...

I would love to become fluent and be able to speak French and then go over there and act as the ignorant American just to hear the shit that they're saying and just act as dumb as I possibly can Hey where's the Eiffel Tower?

Ain't that big Mona Lisa sitting there all expressionless Big fucking whoop Blonde hair, my ex just blonde hair girl but could speak Spanish so it was great She would have her own fun just going in and listening to people talk about her

when she walked by and stuff. They must talk mad shit. Did she ever bust them? Oh, non-stop she would bust them all the time. We'd be waiting in line at El Pozo Loco and they would say, look at that chick's tits or something like that. She'd be like, what the fuck are you talking about? But back in Spanish. Or she was giving her a phone number.

I don't know. If you hear like cinco But like, you know, back in Spanish. Or she was giving her a phone number. I don't know. Damn. If you hear like cinco seis. Yeah, cinco seis. Dash. Cero. Cordo. No, I got the Rosetta Stone Spanish speaking one. You want to learn Spanish?

Yeah. Dude, I got it in Christmas 08. Still in the box. Still in the box. Plastic still on it. It's like an elliptical machine. For me, it's like those fucking Mavis Baking learn how to type. I buy those fucking things every couple of years.

Oh, they got a new learn how to type program. Eventually, I'm going to learn how to type. I type quick, but I use fucking three fingers. I use like these two and this one. Every now and then, I'll throw this motherfucker in the mix. Maybe three fingers in this hand, and I would kind of move to two on this hand. So I don't use the whole- Types like a burn victim.

Yeah. Like a lobster claw thing. I type like I've had my hand smashed with hammers. But I always say I'm going to eventually get that fucking Mavis bacon and I'm going to get on it.

Dude, you'll be... Like, I'm really surprised at some of the shit that I've finally... Like, the only thing I ever worked on was being a comedian because I thought

it was going to solve all my problems. People are going to see me on stage. he's funny and everybody's going to stop fucking with me and everything was going to work out and then what ended up happening is the only thing i was remotely decent at was being a comedian so i finally learned how to start fixing shit like what kind of shit did i fix my toilet and when in new york i got a tenant back there and he was bitching about something we got this fucking awful landlord he always comes in i swear to god with like used parts from other apartments, and they never work.

So I just looked in the back. I was just picturing how dumb he looks, yet he knows how to do it. So I just, I don't know what I did. I went on YouTube. I watched a couple of videos. It's a toilet. It's basic. And I just sort of figured shit out, and I listened.

I flushed it. I looked. And I figured out what to follow. The flapper. It's a fucking $8 flapper. And then I got it. And I was like, ah, fuck. How does this go in?

And he's just like, just. It's almost like when I got better at computers where I stopped freaking out. And I just was like, just stop taking information, process it, and think. That's what I. Fucking two seconds. I wish I had the time, the patience, and think. That's what I edit. Fucking two seconds. I wish I had the time, the patience, and the interest to build my own car because I would love to do that. I'd love to take that old Corvette, like a 67.

I'm so jealous of people who can do that. The body's good. I'll fucking toss a 350. I wish they could do that. Fucking Bondo it. Send yourself a mask on. The old Jeep kits. Remember the old Jeep kits?

You could buy a kit and build your own army Jeep. Remember it was like $1,000 or or something like that they still have kit cars and you could take a kit car like a noble i remember they used to sell the noble in america but you couldn't buy it with a powertrain you couldn't buy with an engine you had to put your own engine your own powertrain in and so it's basically like a do-it-yourself fucking car they had a bunch i knew a guy uh who had a friend in this state I used to live in. I'm not going to say where, but back in the day, the Jeep CJ7, they basically kept the same chassis, body, all that shit for like fucking 15 years. So he had some old piece of shit one.

So what he did was he went out and he stole a brand new one and just parked him side by side in his garage and just took apart the new one and put all the new. So all the numbers still match wherever the numbers are supposed to be, like on the frame and all that. Everything matched. And he just he did like a like plastic surgery. And he just took all the new shit that he needed. I think he had to keep his engine block. And there was the frame or something like gear heads would know what he would have. So what he do with the the rest of the stuff then he just took like he had like a welt

he's like a welding thing and he just sort of cut it into pieces and would just sort of remember the great escape when they would just drive the dirt out of the bottom of their pants yeah he would just sort of dump shit here or there if you just have a piece of a frame they're not gonna give a fuck or you know they don't even know what it is how do you prove it yeah i mean yeah i mean i didn't really i mean i don't have the mechanical know-how to say exactly what he did but i but i said what did he do with the extra shit and that was basically it he cut it down into smaller pieces you can't fucking build a car today like you can't build a new 2011 shelby mustang convertible you can't build it yeah with the computer chip but you can do and there's so much shit going on it's like it's so complicated you know it's not like the and Shelby Mustang convertible. You can't build it. Yeah, with the computer chip, but you can do it.

It's a computer, and there's so much shit going on. It's like, it's so complicated, you know? It's not like the old days. You know, if you, in the old days, if your fucking engine blew, you could replace your engine, you know? All you need is like a crane and a buddy who knew what the fuck he was doing. Yeah, but it was also much more,

like my first car, I had a Ford Ranger, and I actually learned, if i wanted to go i just didn't have the balls to do it because i didn't have a friend who could fix the problem you know what i mean so i had to keep it very like i was like a hygienist but like working on a fucking car like you know you learned you know changing the oil is the first thing then you learn how to change the belts then you start doing the spark plugs then you get the timing light and i got right to the fucking point where i was gonna to start fucking with, I don't know what, trying to do like the pistons and shit.

And maybe I'll try to get some more horsepower in this. And I was just like, Phil, it's a fucking Ford Ranger, two-wheel drive. What are you, a douchebag? Just be happy that it's running. I changed my oil once and I dumped it into the sewer. I dumped it into one of those, you know, those metal grids. It was the 80s. It was legal.

I didn't even think. I was, you know, 17 years old. I was retarded. And as I'm dumping it in, this guy walks by and goes, yeah, that's a good place for that. And I thought, yeah, that's a good place for that. And I thought about, oh, he's making fun of me. I'm like, oh, my God, I'm a douchebag. God, why did I think it was okay to pour the oil in this fucking drain?

And then I thought, that fucks with me today. Really? Still? Still. I think about it sometimes. I think about it sometimes that I poured oil into the drain like a retard, and then this guy came by and go, yeah, that's a good place for that. And then I was so dumb, I was like, yeah, it is a good place for it, right?

It fucks with you because you're into the environment or because he made you look stupid? Because I was a retard. Not because he made me look stupid, but I was stupid. He probably thinks the same thing like that asshole. I can't believe it. He's probably dead, that old fuck. It was a long time ago. I like how you are uninformed.

Because you're uninformed, he becomes an old fuck. Oh, he's only an old fuck. Fuck you, you piece of shit. Makes it funnier. Do you know there's so many weird things like that? I can't say that, gentlemen. He's probably passed away. There's so many weird things like that that you're not allowed to dispose of like that.

Like monitors. You're pouring it into the water, man. It gets into the ocean. But the crazy thing is that the oil that I put in is nothing compared to what's on the fucking road every day. I mean, everybody's leaking oil. You're driving up and down the street. It rains.

It goes in the gutter. It goes right in the ocean. So justify it any way you have to. I don't justify it. I told you. I'm ashamed to this day. One time I was fishing. I used to dump it in the woods. Really? I don't justify it. I told you. I'm ashamed to this day. One time I was fishing. I used to dump it in the woods.

Really? I just take it straight in the bush. That's probably not as bad as putting it in the river. I didn't know that you weren't supposed to do that. But then I figured out they had this place down the street near the fire department. They had this big, I don't know, it was this giant thing that you just dumped your oil in. Right.

Back in the day when there wasn't computer chips and it was easy. I was in the Charles River fishing once, and it was right across the street from my house where I lived in Boston, and I saw this bubbling in the water, and I couldn't figure out what the fuck it was. I was looking, I was like, something's bubbling, like water's coming up. This is kind of crazy.

And then I saw a rubber. And then I realized that what I was looking at was shit. Some of it was shit. It was a broken sewer of it was shit. It was a broken sewer pipe that was pouring directly into the river. So every time people flush their toilet, shit and piss and rubbers and tampons were just floating in this fucking river. Disgusting. Unfinished medicine.

Oh, it was so nasty. And I went a little bit further down. There was a waterfall. At the bottom of the waterfall, there was foam. There was so much chemicals in the water that it made a thick white and yellow foam at the bottom of the water. There you go. That's Boston. You know what's worse is baby diapers in parking lots of Target the other day I was at.

And there was fucking just these little squares where they changed the diaper and they were like put it on the ground. I got out and stepped right on it. It's just like everywhere just like everywhere i see it all the time now that's the suburban landmine i apologize for that that's a big thing to do i guess you don't want to keep it in your car when you drive home my car always has diapers in it my wife takes these diapers wraps them up in these little bombs and leaves them there and then i hop in my car and my mother car smells like shit and i find these little diaper bombs everywhere. Little piss bombs. They're everywhere.

They're all over my fucking house. It's that newborn smell. It's not that bad. My two year old has some pretty stinky poops but you know they're not that bad. At this point the kid's

probably gone to like fucking McDonald's. No. Starting to screw up the colon. I don't eat them. I don't serve them shitty food. Fuck that.

She gets fries and stuff occasionally and ice cream occasionally but for the most part she eats healthy. You know if you get them into eating shitty food or make shitty food. Fuck that. She gets fries and stuff occasionally and ice cream occasionally, but for the most part she eats healthy. You know, if you get them into eating shitty food or make shitty food

a big deal, make it exciting, you know, make it something special. You know, that's why McDonald's is a fucking playground. You drive by McDonald's,

she sees these bright colors and tubes and slides and shit and they just want to go in there. But the food's fucking terrible. If I ever have kids, I'm going to feed them shit food, make them fat

so I can feel better about them. Actually, about myself, you know. She's the first person I've ever seen feed their kid octopus. I was like, whoa, octopus. That's ridiculous. She likes it. She enjoys it. She asked for octopus.

And people are like, your fucking kid's asking for octopus? Yeah, I can't. That's too fishy for me. Too chewy. Do you ever eat octopus sushi? Yeah, I've tried that Damn delicious I love it

No, dude That's when like the hardcore Japanese guy Is giving you the fucking heads up Like you know what you're doing Like the grosser it is That means you're really into sushi I eat pretty nasty shit I eat sea urchin

That's my other favorite Dude, I'm the classic American sushi I'm like, yeah, let me get a yellowtail hand roll Spicy California roll Yeah, tuna Hold the fish Tuna roll classic american sushi i'm like yeah let me get a yellowtail hand roll spicy california roll yeah tuna fish tuna roll i keep it real uh salmon salmon avocado i keep it really uh me too that's even like eel eel roll i like but it's just kind of there's just something to like tuna i just i don't have any sort of guilt when i eat that even though they're dying off but eel i just seems like an unnecessary one to to eat really eel i like the eel sauce i don't like eel because of the sauce i only like

sushi that you don't need sauce for i like like yellowtail tuna that kind of shit how how bad are the tuna going extinct is that like a big deal i don't know everything's going extinct because there's too many fucking people and we keep uh the The problem is they make too much money off of us. We're not people. We're these things they make money off of, so they need as much of us around. Again, it's dead. You know what? It's always dead.

All the animals are going to come back when the robots take over. Just be like I Am Legend. Deer running through the streets of Manhattan. That kind of shit. I don't think it'll be that bad because they'll keep Manhattan, but it'll definitely be like in Jersey. Jersey will all grow over. I went to Colorado. People are useless. I went to Colorado, and I was living there for four months,

and when I came back, a deer had decided to make my backyard home in L.A. It's right out here, and every day, this deer would be wandering through my yard, chewing grass, and they just decided that since nobody was here, there was no noise. They just started moving in. Interesting. As soon as I moved back in she stopped coming around but she could literally judge that's that fence is six feet high and it's fucking Rot iron she would jump right over. Oh, yeah, they got it's gotta be eight feet

I know I got a buddy of mine has a has a problem with that So he's got this eight foot my cheek you're really not that navel he's saying no dude I got a kid and then the name at the deer come in. Yeah, they really do they hop right over a six-foot fence It's incredible to watch it's like I just fly through the air and the deer come in. Yeah, they really do. They hop right over a six-foot fence. It's incredible to watch it. It's like, doink! They just fly through the air. But they were moving in.

They were ready to take over. You got a gun range out here? I got a fake pig that I shoot arrows into. Can we do that after the podcast? Fuck yeah, son. Can you teach me how to do that shit? Fuck yeah. You want to shoot arrows? Yeah.

I'm learning how to... You know what I'm doing right now? I'm learning how to pick a lock on... Yeah, I'm going to be one of those urban survivor guys whenever they... Is it like 1,000 degrees in this room? It really is. I'm going to to You know what I'm doing right I'm learning how to pick a lock Yeah Yeah I'm gonna be One of those urban survivor guys Whenever Is it like a thousand degrees In this room

It really is I'm gonna go turn on the AC Talk to these people While I turn on the AC Alright I'm learning how to pick a lock On YouTube I'm trying to learn

How to hotwire a car YouTube's great for that shit Yeah you can Dude I've taught myself How to play guitar How to play drums I've watched people get knocked out get kicked in the balls hide a camera into the toilet paper roll thing on the side of the in the bathroom i

found out how to do that oh yeah you can become a real fucking creep on youtube and all that's what i love about the internet you really can just become the person yeah that you if you feel like you know i want to be uh better read you can go to wikipedia right and see what morons think about the subject that you want to learn about or if you want to add a little creepy shit to your to your uh to your personality you can do that i want to learn how to pick a fucking lock yeah just so i can do it yeah because i because i only know the credit card technique where you slide it in and that never works you know where you're supposed to like they were showing i was watching somebody like first you have to know like how a lock works right

like what it is in there and this person literally you know like the little clip-on thing from the pen they'd somehow jam that in there and then take like a hairpin I'm so full of shit

I haven't learned I watched somebody do it and now I want to try it that's basically it but the overhead is I have to buy a lock so I haven't quite committed to it you know what I mean

I'm gonna buy the lock and it's gonna sit right on top of my fuck and learn how to speak Spanish. I figure if I'm breaking into a lock, I might as well kick the door in. Yeah, but I don't have your martial art training. Just learn how to kick a bag. It's not going to move or hit your back.

It's not hard to kick a door. Right. Doors are easy. That's why it's funny when you see a guy like on those fucking videos of cops breaking into doors and the guy, especially the old school ones from the 60s, the guy's kicking the door over and over again he can't get it to break doors are easy oh doors are easy well then how come he's not able to do it because he's a faggot

well there you go i never understood why they don't just go for the window there is something about yeah literally he likes sex with the same where's this is that my water or yours this is empty i don't take a chance. There's one behind your laptop. Mine was right there. You don't want to take a chance. You're the one who busted out the fake asshole a minute into this podcast.

Well, I don't mean... When I say faggot, I don't mean faggot like I was in a gay man. You mean pussy. Yeah. That's one of my words I will not give up

no matter how much people give me shit about, you know, Louis C.K.'s got that big chunk on it I have a problem with that that word to me is not a gay slur you know what really

drives me crazy when they're saying you can't say gay you can't say that's gay like it's offensive or insensitive gay means lame well didn't it always

mean joyful in the beginning it made you know like have a gay old time it meant happy the gay 90 happy. It meant happy. The gay 90s, the 1890s.

Well, yeah, words changed. It became homosexual and why can't they accept that it also means lame? Because certain groups own words. What if you spell it

G-H-E-Y? Gays own gay. Jewish people own Holocaust. You know that whole thing with Jim Jefferies? Black people own dope. Were you on the Gilby and Anthony show? And white people own own dope. Were you on the Yopi and Anthony show? And white people own Exquisite.

Were you on the ONA show when Jeffries was talking about his... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. How ridiculous is that? He wanted to... Jim Jeffries, a hilarious comedian, wanted to name his DVD Alcoholicost. Yep. And apparently it offended a bunch of Jewish people. They got super upset.

I think it offended the ones who are in the group i think generally speaking most people don't give a shit yeah i don't know about that i would say that a lot of people who are jewish would probably have a problem with that people are very very sensitive to that you know they don't want you cracking jokes on something that fucked up their whole you know well yeah well he explained it and he didn't even need to explain it i get it i didn't think he was making fun of Jewish people. He was saying, like, he's drinking so much. Yeah, that he's a Holocaust.

He's having a Holocaust of alcohol. You can't own a word. I mean, just calling something a Holocaust. Look, they need another word for what happened to the Jews in Nazi Germany. I mean, it's a horrible, horrible thing, and it is a Holocaust. But it's not the only Holocaust. You can't own that word now. You can't use Holocaust for anything else.

Yeah, they treat it like the Ohio State University. But it's not the only holocaust. You can't own that word now. You can't use holocaust for anything else. Yeah, they treat it like the Ohio State University. Like it's trademarked. 101. The holocaust. Like it's trademarked. It's a word to describe anything that's atrocious, anything that's horrible. I mean, that's really what it is. It's a word to describe a terrible disaster.

I've never looked it up. I don't know what it means. Well, let's look up the official term of holocaust, Brian. Tell us what it is. Look up A and then look up the. Holocaust. I mean, look, it's not that he's making light of this horrible situation that has happened. It was a play on words.

But then he did make light. And then he fucked up and said they should get over it. It was fucking 60 years ago. Fucking get over it. Yeah, I thought with the accent he'd get away with it. Because it sounded cheeky. Australia is the shit. Have you ever done comedy over there?

Yeah, I did. But it was a typical thing where it was like, it was a three-day thing where they flew you over for one day. They gave you a day to get fucking used to it. And then you did the gig and then they flew you back. I stuck around for a couple days. That's kind of how I was in Sydney. I was only in Sydney for a couple days. But I did a gig And then they flew you back I stuck around for a couple days That's kind of how I was in Sydney I was only in Sydney for a couple days But I did a gig up there I wanted to see all those fucking snakes over there

We saw the kangaroos You know there's kangaroos that kill people all the time There's these big giant fucking kangaroos Called grey kangaroos And they tell you if you run into grey kangaroos You better leave Just get the fuck away from them They're super aggressive

And they're really big They're like the fucking 300 pound kangaroos, you better leave. Just get the fuck away from them. They're super aggressive and they're really big. They're like the fucking 300 pound kangaroos. They kick you in the stomach and fucking gore you. Like Bugs Bunny. They lean back on their tail and do that. They do lean back on their tail and attack you, but they have claws, man. They'll rip your fucking stomach apart. They'll fuck you up.

When they get inside, I've watched enough UFC that fucking elbow. You gotta clinch. It's the most important thing. You got to get that clinch. You got to have no space between you and them. You got to take the kangaroo to the ground. They got a great stand-up game. They bounce right back to their feet, bro. Don't even try.

But their fucking arms are too small to grapple. If you get the underhooks, you get the underhooks. But you got to go Randy Couture style. We just press them up against a tree and work them over with knees. Hey, does racking balls work on animals? Racking balls? Yeah, like if you rack a dog's balls them over with knees. Hey, does racking balls work on animals? Racking balls? Yeah, like if you rack a dog's balls, do they go, ooh, at all? Or are we the only ones?

I think it hurts them. But I think when an animal gets into that state where they're attacking and trying to kill you, they don't think about pain the way people do. I've seen dogs fight with each other, and they're wagging their tail, like happy. Meanwhile, they're ripping each other's faces apart, especially pit bulls. You know, pit bulls, they don't seem to experience any pain when they fight. They seem to just do it and then think about the pain later. Like they block it out somehow.

I would not count on kicking a dog in the balls. If a dog is attacking you, your best move is to choke it unconscious. I wonder if there's videos of monkeys getting racked, you know? Monkeys, I'm sure, would suck. They know it sucks because when they attack people, when chimps attack people, they go for your balls. That's one of the number one things they do. They try to eat your genitalia.

They rip your balls off and they usually twist your foot off too. Yeah. They take your fingers off. They bite people's fingers off. They go for your balls. They try to blind you. They try to take away everything that makes you human, all your valuable assets, your ability to control things, your ability to use your dick.

I fucking hate monkeys. Really? I just something about them. I don't like them. Chimps are scary as fuck. I don't mind chimps. I don't mind gorillas, but those little fucking throwing shit at you, spider monkeys, I just don't fucking like them. I think it's from Indiana Jones because that monkey was a dick, and ever since then, I've hated small monkeys.

They're always dicks. The organ grinder guy from back when I was a dick and ever since then I've hated small monkeys. They're always dicks. The organ grinder guy from back when I was a kid down in Faneuil Hall. They were always, granted, they had to wear that stupid bellboy outfit

so they probably weren't in a good mood but they were always creepy. Yeah. I grew up with a monkey. Not my monkey, my grandmother's monkey. Your grandmother

had a monkey? My grandmother had a monkey named Chi-Chi and Chi-Chi lived in the attic and you couldn't have Chi-Chi around people because people because Chi Chi would bite you. Whoa.

Chi Chi would chew gum. She would give Chi Chi gum, and he would unwrap the gum and put it in his mouth. But he only liked my grandmother, didn't trust anybody else. And if anybody got near him, Chi Chi would attack you. Yep. Bite you. When I was in Costa Rica, I had a monkey. My grandmother was fucking crazy.

A monkey jumped on my back. It was like the monkey that they had in the area, okay, in the compound where I was staying. Jumped on my back, hooked its tail around my neck, and so now it's hanging. It's inverted, hanging upside down. Went right in my pocket, took my hotel keys, and then went up the tree in like two seconds.

And I'm literally standing there like, did that just fucking happen? Are you serious? Now I'm sitting there, and I got some fucking, I don't know, some sort of Costa Rican Kiwi trying to get this fucking monkey to come down. I forget. I remember I fucking my human brain outdid his monkey brain, and I got it back.

I did a quick switcheroo, and I ran because it was on a chain, and I was able to just get away, and the thing was so pissed. As I was running away, I just heard it go, ah! It just fucking the thing was so pissed as I was running away I just heard it go, ah! It just fucking screamed at me, pissed. I was like, they get mad.

I was like, yeah, there you go, you fucker. Well, that's what happens in India. They steal things from people and then they want you

to give them food back. You give them food and they give you whatever, you know, whatever they took from you. They like make deals with people. Do they kill, oh,

they kill animals over there. They've killed people. Oh, they're into cows. The mayor of one of the towns in India got killed by monkeys recently. Like, within the last couple of years. They fucking swarmed his ass. Just jacked him.

What's the monkeys with the big, puffy... That's like the pit tumors on India. Yeah. The monkey problem. You know, like the ones that have... Is it orangutan that has the... Yeah, the weird, crazy head. Those things are crazy.

Yeah. How about baboons? They look like half a dog, half a monkey. Yeah. That's a weird animal. Baboons eat babies too, man. So do chimps. Chimps will eat babies.

If you leave babies around and chimps see them, they'll eat them. Yeah. They're still not worse than bankers. Have you ever seen the video of the chimp eating the monkey? Oh, yeah. Yeah. They're finally realizing that they do that. And they also, they sort of all talk shit after they do it.

They feel like they start beating their chest. They're very... They're ruthless realizing that they do that. And they also, they sort of all talk shit after they do it. They feel like they start beating their chest. They're very... They're ruthless motherfuckers. I thought for the longest time it was a rang a tang, like the orange drink. No, it's tan. I still did. Well, that's also... Rang a tan.

Neanderthal. Neanderthal is not really Neanderthal. It's Neanderthal. Yeah. You know, it's named after a part of France. That's where they found the first skeletons. They've been saying recently that people are,

most people, or a good percentage of people have Neanderthal genetics in them and that we somehow or another absorb them. I do. Look at my forehead. I got a Frankenstein forehead, dude.

My eyebrows. Like, look at that ultimate doom. Tell me I don't have the same brow as that fucking thing. Your brow is nothing. I want to show you my dentist. My dentist is so freaky, I will drive you over to his office just to

say hi, just so you can see his head. Really? His fucking forehead. Switch dentist, man. It sticks out like this far. Like, no bullshit. It doesn't even look real. It looks like he's wearing a Klingon plate. Like you put a Klingon plate from fucking Star Wars The Next Generation

and put it on his head. I mean, it really looks like that. He's just got these deeps. His eyes, no bullshit, are like that deep into his head. Jesus. My Dennis is kind of crazy. My Dennis is like that. What's that movie, People Under the Stairs or whatever, where Danny, what's... I should say this in case my Dennis is listening.

He's a great guy. Look, I'm not fucking perfect either. I look like a chimp. All right? I'm not the best looking guy in the world. It those guys are all depressed he's a very nice guy he probably already hung up the very nice guy but he's got a big crazy forehead that's just a fact i didn't name any names you know what's funny about that shit with that big forehead i wonder if that affects that light that they have on their head if it's like too far and it just

shines on the back of your head it's got adjusted yeah it's too far and it just shines on the back of your head. He's got to adjust it. It's too far in. He's got to point it like straight down. Do they even use that or am I thinking of minors? I think dentists probably use that shit too. Like digging deep in your mouth. They should, right?

Yeah, that's a rough job. My dentist hypnotizes me. There's a part where they check for cancer. I don't know if your dentists do that where they go okay so this is where your so and so gland your dentist is broke does your dentist stick his fingers in your mouth and you start sucking his fingers no no but he pulls his dick out and then you wake up and you're like what happened did you ever see that guy oh that would feel girls up when i put him under yeah and they and they busted him he they busted us and what i loved about that guy is you could so tell he never got arrested for anything in his life and he just he just like he just you saw it in his whole body

he was just like okay like the girl was under right and she she kept waking up feeling like her bra wasn't right the way it should have been so they basically get her to go in there again to go under and they drilled in from like the CVS next door or some shit and they got this camera so he starts fucking, second he starts,

he's sitting, he's sitting, he's like, yeah, I'm gonna grab a tits and he has all this type of shit and then immediately all these SWAT guys come in

and he goes literally from that to, eh, my life's over. And he just fucking shoulder slumped, dragged out. Can you imagine

what happened to that guy in prison? you're going in as a fucking sex offender dentist who probably hasn't had a fight since the third grade no gang affiliation he would have to join one who would take him you gotta you gotta be somebody's bitch the first night yeah you gotta suck some cock right away you gotta put on a dress oh you think of some guys in prison, like, what the fuck is going to happen to Bernie Madoff? What's going on with that guy in prison? They must be beating the fuck out of him. Nah, and it's white collar.

They're probably guys who are getting out. He's probably holding court. Is he in a white collar prison, you think? Absolutely. He probably can get frescoed. Despite the fact that his felonies were so egregious. Because they're not violent, they don't give a shit.

So in all nonviolent offenses, they put them with other nonviolent people? I don't know how it works, dude. I just know if you're rich, you don't go to real jail. But he actually fucked... The problem was not how much money he took, was I think who he took it from. And they had as much influence,

if not more, as he did. So he actually got life in prison. You think that's unusual? I just pulled that on my ass. I have no idea. No fucking idea. You think it's unusual that he got life in prison? I mean, what he did was, I mean, fucking $50 billion.

You've got to put him in jail for life. There's no way he's going to pay that back. I mean, what would be... Oh, did you see that thing in Rolling Stone in rolling stone that this month matt taibbi's article it was the one about uh those kids of the biggest like uh internet cyberspace crime ever yeah i haven't read that yet oh you gotta read that shit make you super paranoid about where you use your credit card these guys would sit outside the mall this is was this was their uh their their their hacky way they first did it. It would sit there in a car with like a fucking eight-foot antenna.

And they somehow tap in to whatever that shit in the fucking air is. You know, that computer shit. The satellite thing. We're back to that. And as you use the credit cards, somehow they would break into the system or something. I don't know what the fuck. I can't even explain it. I'm too fucking dumb.

But even for a guy like me, it was fascinating. So there was some sort of a wireless transmission of your credit card information? You're in there. Right. Buying a thermal. Okay. All right? And you swipe your card.

And as they're putting it into the system or as you swipe it, somehow they're tapped into this shit through the fucking air. It's literally like magic. Like all those years of people pulling out rabbits out of hats and it was all bullshit these guys i don't know how the fuck they were doing it so they would do that and then they were like all right this is bullshit it's too it's too risky um they somehow then they took it to the next level and they got into the main database database thank you i needed a word i'll go with that the main database of like all the

macy's or whatever and you got people's credit card numbers yeah they jacked them yeah they got like like i don't know i'm gonna what number am i saying i'm gonna say 50 million credit cards well if you think the banks are totally corrupt do you think that the banks would hack into people's shit on purpose like hire people to hack into people's shit well this is what i think about i don't think i i this is what i don't like is it's not my money it's their money and they give it to me and my job is to get in debt with it and if i don't then they just fucking take it from me that's basically what happens right but i mean the hackers i mean do you think that do you think that you know how like the the cia has always been

accused of selling drugs and the the argument for it is the bad guy is going to sell drugs no matter what you do. The CIA takes that money and uses it for covert operations to protect Americans, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. The CIA has always sold drugs, and that's just the way it is. Do you think that the bankers would get involved in hacker activity just because they figure, look, someone's going to do this, we're going to do this? At this point, it might be another. They just look at everything as revenue streams.

Yeah. I don't think that they look at shit. Well'd be weird because they would be selfs they would be sabotaging themselves but i this is my questions like i'm always looking at these but i don't think bank i really don't think bankers are above stealing no of course they're not above stealing but i always look at these hacker situations and i go okay you hear about this fucking russian teenager made 50 million dollars in a year in his basement, and then he started an empire, blah, blah, blah, and he was just a hacker.

Well, if I'm reading about this, there's got to be some people that are rich and powerful and recognize that $50 million is some real money. And if this goofball kid in his fucking basement is making that kind of money, is there a way they can do that? I mean, is there any of this shit? Well, I don't think that they have to hack into their own system. I think that they do it.

They steal from the people who put money on us, the customers. They steal through, like, fees. Right. Well, they definitely do that, too. I think they're going to risk what they have for doing hacker shit. You know what I mean? Like, if this guy is super rich, he's not going to risk everything he has. Maybe not in America, but I bet in some other countries they're pulling some shit off.

There's something about that shit though, where I'd find that that type of shit is so fascinating where, you know, you learn how to pick a lock. The bullshit that I'm doing is no big deal, but those guys who can actually, you know, hack their way.

I tell you what's even more interesting is that if you go on YouTube, there's ways to show you how to get those like things that you put on ATMs at the gas pump. And there's videos showing how to do it and where to buy them. It's like this thing that fits over the credit card slot at your gas pump. And there's a little camera that you tape into the corner. I'll tell you right now. That's why you never use your fucking ATM card because that's your money. They get that shit.

They get your money. They get your fucking credit card. Because that's your money. They get that shit, they get your money. They get your fucking credit card. That's Citibank's money. Right. So then they'll call you up and be like, you know, did you buy a tank top in Kansas City? No, I did not. Right.

You ever get that? You ever be on the road so much? I used to be on the road, like they would constantly be shutting my credit card off and not realizing that I was a comedian. They'd be like, did you get a lap dance in Toronto? Yes, I did. Did you get chicken wings two days later in St. Louis? Yes, I did. And they'd finally be like, did you get a lap dance in Toronto? Yes, I did. Did you get chicken wings

two days later in St. Louis? Yes, I did. And they'd finally be like, what do you do? I'm a comedian. I'm on a college tour. Yeah, and you should always, you should never do debit either.

You should always do credit card, you know, where they always try to trick you into like, put in your pin. And you're like, no, I'm not putting my pin. Run it as a credit card. Don't ever do that.

Because then it also protects your shit for 30 days too. Yeah, fuck that. Fuck all that, dude. And they're trying to make it they're gonna make it cashless cash is the shit yeah cash is we gotta go back to one piece of gold equals one donkey that's what we gotta go and you fucking bite a piece of it off to get some potatoes something it's gonna you gotta get something for something your money has to represent something the problem is our money doesn't actually represent anything. It's just an idea.

It's just confidence. We have confidence that $100 is worth $100, but it doesn't represent $100 that's worth a gold that's sitting in a vault somewhere. Why can't we just keep that confidence? I'm all right with it. Dude, I like your hall of fame of fucking geese you have in there. That's hilarious. I'm looking into Joe's walk-in closet right now.

Most people have like fucking jerseys from sports they never played. That's his Dexter trophies. Yeah, he still has like dried blood from some kid he fucking hammer-fisted back in his Revere days. Those are all my Taekwondo medals on the doorknob. That's all shit from the 80s.

Wow. Dude, that was one of my favorite... Some of the things I've kept from my other life. Yeah, that's one of my favorite fucking responses i was i was on his uh i think it was your website way back in the day and some kid was giving him shit so joe you know just blast him whatever you're just a fucking loser and then he and the kid writes oh what do you mean i'm a fucking loser he goes i'm only 20 years old blah blah. What were you doing at 20? And Joe's like, I was a national champion in Taekwondo, you fucking loser.

You're like one of the few guys who was actually a success before they got into this shit. Well, I was, but I definitely wasn't a financial success. That's why I knew. You weren't doing a Taekwondo tour?

I was teaching. I was teaching at Boston University. I was teaching at BU when I was 19. I taught at Boston University. See, that's not normal. That's way above most people. Well, I was...

Were you banging half the broads in your class? I fucked a few of them. I fucked one of them. One of them, she was so hot and she was this, I don't want to say her name,

but she was this really hot Latina chick. Kelly Kirsten. And then I saw her again like three years ago and she wasn't the type of girl to work out.

She was just the type of girl that, you know, when she was young, she was 19 type of girl to work out she was just type of girl that you know when she was young she was 19 when i was 19 she's just getting by on her looks right but now she's like 41 and she doesn't exercise and it was so sad to watch i mean she's probably sad to see me too i was a fucking handsome looking fellow when i was young dude you know broken down man joe coming in at 19 to teach the class he probably did that jean-claude van damme fucking split between two desks and that was it well that was ran through the whole class from that year from the from 15 till i was 21 i was literally all i did was fight all i did was train and fight that's all i did i didn't have any social life i had like a girlfriend here and

there they would always get sick of me and break up with me and whatever. But all I did was train and fight. I didn't party. I didn't drink. Very rarely did I drink. I smoked pot twice from like 15 to 21. That's all I did was fight. I was completely out of my head. And I went from that to going to Taekwondo straight into going to comedy.

Kickboxing. I had three kickboxing fights and then I went right into comedy because I knew i was going nowhere so there's no money in it was your opening like stand-up was it about like no fighting or anything i never talked was it really intense was like hello this is my comedy no i tried to do it you gotta talk about your life no i never talked about that there's no one wants to think that some fucking guy's a martial arts champion and that's the thing because he was actually good at it like this you gotta have like low self-esteem right you could say you know if you could say oh i fought a taekwondo tournament once and i fought on friday and when i finally woke up on tuesday you know after some guy yeah so now i'm doing comedy yeah

everybody would like you can't say that oh so i was i fucking kicked this dude in the head and knocked him into a coma that's not funny dude Dude, but I remember when I started out, though, there was like, you know, because all those headliners didn't leave. We were like, how the fuck do you end up headlining? We were looking at the only guys who kind of busted through. It was you and Anthony Clark were the two guys at the time who had actually somehow gotten past the old boy network. Yeah. Well, they left. You know, Anthony was one of the nick de paulo left too they just left you know you had to leave you can't stay in boston it was so intoxicating because you can make a living you could be in boston and even if you were a nobody you know you're still you could grind out 500 bucks a week you know you do here do

here as long as you're willing to drive and travel if you had $500 cash a week You could pay for your bills you could eat, but if you want to try to go on the road man Good fucking my no TV credits. No nothing just some guy from Boston How much are they gonna pay you but your fucking gas your airfare is gonna eat up all your profits. It's fucking hard It's what do you what do you think now because I just went back to Boston you've been back there lately. Yeah Yeah, it's sad. There's nothing going on there now. What are you... It's the fucking... The Comedy Connection's a theater now. You know?

It's that big Wilbur Theater. Right. Comedy Connection used to be 150 seats. That badass little room. And now it's, you know... No, but they reopened that right up the street. The old Charles Street Playhouse. Yeah?

What's it now? Ah, what the fuck is it called? It's another comedy club? I can't remember. There's a small one in Faneuil Hall called Motley's. I did that one. Is that Tim McKenzie's place? I can't remember. There's a small one in Faneuil Hall called Motley's. I did that one. Is that Tim McKenzie's place? I can't remember.

I ran through all of them. It was like an 85-seater. I did Dick Doherty's Comedy Vault, where I put together basically polished up my first five minutes of material ever, so I always go down there. The Vault. I did The Vault.

Oh, yeah, dude. I fucking love that place. And this is the thing. It hasn't changed at all. I remember when that place. And this is the thing. It hasn't changed at all. I remember when that place started. This is how fucking old I am now. And now they just celebrated like this. Did I say Tim McKenzie?

I'm sorry if he's listening. Tim McIntyre. I think it started in 93. Yeah. What, The Vault? Yeah, it was a year in. The Vault's earlier than that, son. No, no, no.

The Vault? Dick Daugherty's Comedy Vault? Let me tell you something. That shit was around in the 80s, all right? 88 when i was around the dick darty comedy vault was around dick darty's at remington's yeah that fucking bank it's like a bank wow it's a vault i thought i thought spike tobin was the first guy who opened that shit up might have reopened it might have reopened it okay that's might have went under and they brought it back but dick darty's comedy vault was a staple back when I was living there

and I moved out of Boston in like 92. Yeah, you were gone before. Right when I started, you were already gone. Yeah, where the fuck was I working at? I think I was,

first time I saw, I saw you at the Kowloon. Oh, that place. That was a good place. Yeah, that place. Chinese food and comedy. Still exists. Chinese food and comedy is a weird combination that exists in Boston.

Like the biggest, the most famous historical comedy club in Boston was the Ding Ho. It was a Chinese restaurant that they had comedy out of. And now the only place that exists is that place that Rick Jenkins runs. He runs a place in Cambridge. Yeah, and that's another Chinese restaurant. Chinese restaurant in an upstate comedy lab. Is that what they call it? Yeah, remember the Kuwaku?

Yeah, Kuwaku. And then the other place is Mike Clark's place, Giggles and Saugus. Yeah. But there's more work in Boston, or at least there was, like just little road gigs, an hour drive here, hour drive there. More of those in that area than anywhere else in the country. No. When I would talk to guys from other places, and I'm like, where's your road gigs? Where do you go for road gigs? hour drive here, hour drive there. More of those in that area than anywhere else in the country. No.

When I would talk to guys from, like, other places, and then I'm like, where's your road gigs? Like, where do you go for road gigs? Oh, you know, sometimes I do Ohio. Sometimes, like, what do you got? No. Don't you have gigs around here? Like, no one could make a living around there.

Yeah, but half of that was because nobody would start. Like, I don't know what is about Bob. People would just start rooms. Do you remember Bob Marley out of Maine? He came down like a fully formed fucking headliner just because he had like 25 rooms going up in maine like he started basically it was like mcdonald's but he started with like comrades he used to tell me when he was living up there and it was getting so big he actually ended up leaving because he almost became i think like a kind of almost like a club owner at that point he could have done it but um he basically started the comedy scene up there because before that all they had

was like the connection but like portland yeah yeah and he he started like he had at any given time i used to do gigs in bangor and bob would do like guest spots and shit when he was first starting out bobby i don't know if you know how famous he is in maine do you know oh yeah no no yeah he's like if you don't know who bob marley is a very funny guy very nice guy i've known him for fucking 20 plus years always been a just a great guy but when he first started out you know there was like this is like you know probably he probably started on 89 or 90 there's no one known from for being from maine there's no like one maine comic that stands out but bar marley in anywhere else in the the country, people might have heard of him.

You might have heard him on XM Radio. You might have seen him on Comedy Central or something. In Maine, that motherfucker is huge. There's probably no comparison. It's like Gabriel Iglesias in LA. He's giant. Gabriel Iglesias does shows in LA.

He'll do five shows on a Monday night. Something fucking nutty. Sell out everyone days and days in L.A. Well, he'll do like five shows on a Monday night, like something fucking nutty, and sell out every one like days and days in advance. That's how he is. Nobody else is like that. Yeah, no. He used to go. I remember he used to tell me he would basically be in L.A. auditioning,

and then every year right as the holidays came around, he would make like ten times what I made on the road in that month. Yeah, just the same. Probably shouldn't be talking about his money. But, yeah, he would just go up there and do parties. And then he'd do the New Year's thing. Dude, this movie was like eight years in. He would do like a 1,500, 2,000-seater.

And he'd be doing like adding shows and shit. Yeah. And doing all this Maine material. You know? So much Maine. Like I was listening to him on the radio the other day. He was on XM Radio. He was doing all these Maine jokes.

And he was doing them in Maine. They were going crazy. They were fucking going nuts for it. were fucking going no and he also dude he has like a box set that's how many albums this dude has put out he's put out like 16 albums 14 albums fucking unbelievable that's incredible the amount hours 14 hours of fucking material have you ever heard of anybody else who's done that have you ever heard of anybody else who just nailed it in one area like that? No, there's a couple. Wait, who's the guy? Nobody like that, though.

Not like that. But wasn't there a... I always hear of those guys when you'd be down south. Killer Bees. Remember Killer Bees? Killer Bees guys. And there was one or two other guys who, south of the Mason-Dixon line, would just absolutely, if you just put their name up, they would sell like a thousand tickets. A few of those guys.

But I don't think there's any one guy that's got a state nailed like Bob Marley does. And he created it. But it's a state that's proud to be that state, too. That's a part of the whole key to it. He's actually from Maine, and the people in Maine are proud to be from Maine. Somebody's getting an idea. There's a comedian of the whole key to it he's actually from maine and the people in maine are proud to be from maine it's like somebody's getting an idea there's a comedian right now in like south dakota trying to put it together like dude i could run this fucking town state whatever the hell i'm trying to say does anybody give a fuck about being from south dakota though the thing about being from maine right there that's who gave a fuck about being from maine a lot of

maine people you ever talk shit about people in maine people in south dakota they give a fuck about being from Maine? A lot of Maine people. You ever talk shit about Maine people in Maine? Yeah, but people in South Dakota, they give a fuck about being there. Not as much as Maine. I've done decent Maine. I was in North Dakota and they were all right when Fargo came out. I was like, we don't talk like that. That's fucking bullshit. It's like, well, you think we talk like Cliff Clavin on Cheers? We don't.

A lot of us do. Kind of do. Boston people? No, he fucked that accent up. He would go, hey there. He'd go, hey there he'd go hey there nami it's norm it's not nom yeah everything was parked the car so they put an a all you do is take the r out instead of norm yeah it wasn't a good boston accent am i really picking him up you got to get some live years after poor guy poor norm did you hear he went on um uh the opie and anthony show and apparently they they fucking kicked him off. Really? Yeah.

He's got some beer book he's putting out now. George Wendt, right? Right. Not George Wendt. I'm talking to the other guy. Yeah, George Wendt was the one. The mailman. Right.

And the mailman was Clifford. The beer guy, if someone was going to put out a beer book, it would have been Norm. It would have been George Wendt. Yeah, well, George Wendt was on the Opie and Anthony show

and I don't know what happened, but he was very unenthusiastic and they wound up kicking him out. Oh, because he waspie and Anthony show, and I don't know what happened, but he was very unenthusiastic, and they wound up kicking him out. Oh, because he was unenthusiastic. I don't know what happened. I'm as informed as you are about the economy. Dude, those fucking guys, like, I always get excited. Oh, they had so-and-so on.

How did it go? John Ratzenberg. Fucking Jimmy went in the other room, started prank calling him, and I had to, oh, Jesus. You heard Jimmy with Jesse Ventura? That's my favorite. That's my favorite. He fucking destroyed him.

He crushed him. Thank you for your service to our country. And he was saluting him. Dude, I thought for once I was actually going to see Jesse in a real fight. After all those years of watching him fake fight. I was in Vietnam. Where were you? It got to be one of those weird fucking stupid bullying things.

Norton hates it when someone tries to bully him. You know, when someone just demands respect without fucking proving your point. Prove your fucking point. And he gets crazy and just chewed him up. I thought it was awesome. Oh, it was hilarious. It was the combination of awesome and then also he was beating him so bad. I felt bad for Jesse.

I was like, Jesse, tap out. Well, Jesse's got this. And he did. Yeah, he did. He left. It was so stupid. He's got this weird conspiracy. Oh, and Jimmy was going, oh, so you're going to fucking leave?

So you're going to fucking leave? And he's leaving. And it's just like, oh, God, Jesse. It looked ugly at the end, though, like he was thinking about doing something, like throwing something at him or yelling at him. Oh, I was so hoping because Kenny was right there, and I always wanted to see Kenny in action. You know, he would just go old school dirty cop on him.

Probably. Well, you know, Jesse's got bad hips. Jesse's another one of those wrestlers that had hip replacement surgery. A lot of them have their hips replaced. Dude, you know Hulk is like three inches shorter? Wow. From all those years of jumping up and landing on his ass.

He's had a bunch of spine operations, right? Yeah, because when I saw him, I was like, this guy's not that tall, but his fucking arms were hanging down below his knees. This guy looks like a fucking gorilla. And then I read in his, well, I don't know where the fuck I saw it. It said he used to be six foot seven, and now he's six foot four. Whoa. There's a huge difference.

Six four is like, you know, he used to play college ball. Six seven is, you know, are you famous? That's three inches off of his spine. I wonder how many he's a huge difference. 6'4 is like, you know, he used to play college ball. 6'7 is three inches off of his spine. I wonder how many he's got fused. A lot of guys get their shit fused, man. That's a big thing in MMA right now. Tito Ortiz just had his neck vertebrae fused. And there's a bunch of guys

that have had their back fused. Can he fight anymore after that? I don't know. It really depends on how he recovers. But it's some serious, serious shit. You sure it wasn't just hairspray and heels that you know

or something like that with Hulk Hogan's? No, that guy's had serious back surgery. More than one. Who's the guy that hangs out

at the comedy store all the time or he was for a while? Roddy, Roddy Piper. Roddy Piper. He's doing stand-up now. He's telling stories. That's so weird.

Steve Simone's going on the road with him. Yeah. You know Steve Simone? Steve Simone's going on the road with him yeah you know Steve Simone's you know Steve Simone Steve Simone's a comic out of the comedy store who's a huge

fucking wrestling fan huge oh yeah yeah okay really good guy too really good guy and he goes on the road with Rowdy Roddy Piper and does a little stand-up

then Rowdy Roddy tells his story apparently it's a hit oh yeah dude I this is this should really let your listeners

know why i don't know shit about banking i actually ordered on amazon the hard copy version of uh rick flair's autobiography to beat the man you gotta be the man no to be the man you gotta beat the man dude it's one of the it's just a fucking awesome book dude rick flair have you ever watched his clips yeah yeah i've seen one of the funniest fucking dudes great showman yeah anyway he's just like a comedian where they say do you have writers you know people write this and he goes writers he goes dude i used to come up with half that shit on the cab ride over from the airport i'm like that's just like a comedian he's just sitting there exactly he just gets loose see something he just says fuck this dude he's got a couple

where he's so into it like you think he's gonna pass out and he's when he's yelling at people in the veins the way his eyes bulge out he's got one where he keeps going i inherited and his voice keeps cracking he's screaming so i inherited he's talking about that that uh born with a golden spoon in his mouth dude i'll be on the road depressed like oh my god i hate this and i'll just start watching rick flair videos i just start laughing my fucking ass off going, this is what it's about. This is why you do it. That guy, he's the shit.

Ric Flair is fucking awesome. My favorite wrestling video is that John Stossel video where John Stossel's talking to, I don't remember what the wrestler was, telling him about, you know, that what you do is fake, and he fucking slaps him in the head like full blast, slaps him in his ear and drops him. He goes, is that fake? Does that feel fake? You're telling me what's fake? And he gets up, bam,

he slaps him in the other ear and drops him again, and he gets up and runs out of there. What was the one that was like, was it Mr. T or something like that, where he goes crazy? It was like a live show, and he starts smacking or getting angry and freaking out. What wrestler was that?

I think Mr. T was on it. I think you're talking about Hulk Hogan choking out Richard Belzer. Yeah. Put Richard Belzer to sleep. Yeah, that's what... Richard Belzer fell

and bonked his head. Choked him out. I gotta see that video. Oh, I'm sure it's online. How did I miss that? Yeah, I'm sure it's online. In this day and age, it would be a travesty

if that wasn't available. A typical wise-ass comedian. I heard what you do is bullshit. Yeah, you gotta to be nice those guys you can't disrespect them plus they're on gallons of juice you know oh i mean come on they get the sicknesses they get that big you know that chris benoit guy that wound up killing his whole family juice to the gills yeah but that's also another thing too is a lot of give me unlike pain meds because those guys did like they guys are working like seven nights a fucking week that's the thing about guys who fight in the ufc like brock says that pro wrestling

is way harder than being the ufc heavyweight champion how about that is that the video i'm sorry i'm gonna watch a young did they bells are from back in the day they just google it they did you could they didn't work this out, did they? No, I don't think so. This isn't like a bit? I don't think so. Oh, here. And Hulk Hogan. Oh, he got him in a guillotine.

He put him to sleep. Oh, he went out. Look at that. He's all right. He's went out. Look at that. Yeah. I mean, that's pretty fucked up. I mean, he really was out cold. That's no bullshit. And he just let him fall to the ground.

Like, head hits the... I put a guy to sleep on a radio show once. No, no, no. He was just fucking around no no no watch him exit he wasn't you see the way he fell dude he fell and and slammed his head off the ground he was he was trying to he was trying to yeah he's trying to cover for it anyway that's uh that's a famous one and in the lead up to that it was like uh hulk hogan was getting really pissed off at him. Like the whole time. There was like seven minutes up to that or six minutes up to that.

He was being a smartass. He was being a smartass and just pissing the Hulk off. Like for real. Wow, why would you do that? Even if what they did was really fake. I mean, obviously, they predetermined the victor and stuff. And when somebody fucking slams you down the back, it hurts. Yeah, you've got to be conscious of who you're talking to.

Those guys are savages. Even though they might not be actually fighting for a living, they will fuck you. They'll beat the shit out of you if they want to. You better be nice. They live in a wild world, too. A wild world of sweaty men that you hoist through the air and slam on their back. a wild world of sweaty men that you hoist through the air and slam on their back. Their idea of what's acceptable danger and punishment that you take with your body is not what most people's is.

For them, it's like, oh, he just fell asleep. If Belzer was covering, that was pretty good. No, he wasn't covering. He went out. I'm going to say, I think he was because the lead-up was— Trust me, that guy went out. That's 100% unconscious. No, that's what we're saying.

That's what we're saying. He was covering up that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Belzer was covering as a pro at the end. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. Well, he guy went out. That's 100% unconscious. No, that's what we're saying. That's what we're saying. He was covering up that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Belzer was covering as a pro at the end. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. Well, he went to sleep. No doubt about it.

The way that guy squeezed is 100%. The way his arms go limp. How long does it take? Two seconds. When a guy puts a guy on a choke, there was a guy I choked out on a radio show. There was this radio show. He was like a PA you know a pa and they had him do little stunts and stuff and if he couldn't do it then they would punish him you know

there's like this gag they used to do it it was in boston so they had this dude dress up as a cow and he had a fucking try to jump over a chair on rollerblades and he couldn't make it over the chair he falls and crashes business and they get him upstairs and they go okay now now you know your punishment is going to be Joe Rogan has to choke you unconscious. I go, what? And he goes, okay, I'll do it.

I go, you really, you sure about this? And he goes, yeah. I go, you sure? And he goes, yeah. I go, all right. So I go, if you just,

when you can't take it, just tap out. And I lock the choke on him, squeeze on, and he goes to tap and he's already unconscious. And I let him go thinking that he tapped

and he falls and fucking face plants on the carpet. He bonks his head off the carpet. He only fell a couple inches. But he was unconscious immediately. If you just let someone squeeze your neck, you go out pretty quick. Do you know that became the thing to do for like maybe a week and a half when I was in seventh grade? We didn't understand what we were doing but somebody came up with it.

Choking? No. What you do is you would just basically grab two handfuls of somebody's neck on each side. Oh my God.

You're grabbing their jugular. But the thing about it was Grabbing it like this? Yeah, we didn't know what we were doing. We didn't know what we were doing so some people

were just grabbing like, you know, neck muscle. They were back here but occasionally people would grab them right. That's just dumb shit. Yeah, and the final that happened was someone did it correctly,

and the dude did the same thing. He fell straight forward, and then there was announcements. You know, announcements at the end of the day. And there's been a fad around the school to be grabbing your classmates' necks, this whole fucking thing about... It's very dangerous. You're depriving oxygen to the temporal lobe and all this fucking bullshit. It's just basically, could you please stop choking each other? I wonder how many kids today are practicing MMA moves on their friends at school.

You know, you watch The Ultimate Fighter or something like that. You see what he's getting me? Got him at Kimura. Let me show you. Give me your arm. Yeah. Dude, the first time I ever threw up my back was in fourth grade. I let this kid put me in the figure four leg lock.

I swear to God. Because I was also on a bleep. Well, it's not real. It doesn't hurt. And it was killing me. So I was leaning up to try to take his leg off. It's the first time I felt lower back pain. Fourth grade.

Wow. So you jacked your back in the fourth grade. It's been fucking with you ever since? Figure four leg lock. Well, it didn't fuck with me until football a few years later. Unorganized, of course, because I never had the grades. But that's when it really got bad.

But the first back pain I ever had. What do you think about those people that say that back pain is all psychological? That's bullshit. Are you serious? There's people that actually say that? Oh, yeah, the John Sarto guy. He's got books on it.

I think there are a lot of people that have psychological back pain. Oh, absolutely. It exists. But there's a lot of injuries, too. Yeah, it exists, but it doesn't mean it's all. This guy, I don't know if he says all of them, but I think he attributes a lot of them. He's talking about how people, even if they have injuries,

the injuries don't really hurt nearly as much as you think they do. It's all psychosomatic. I agree with that. He's basically saying we're a bunch of pussies. A bunch of pussies. A bunch of pussies, and the is that the injuries uh distract you from other stress you know and take it well i'm a firm believer of stretching yoga any of that type of shit because uh i don't know what happens when you get older but even just sleeping the amount

more that your your tendons or whatever shrivel up like dude if you ever saw me hobble to the bathroom in the morning you would think that i played like five years of professional ball or so i don't know what's going on with me so i but if i stretch before i i go to bed or something like that i'm i'm way better really yeah like my my foot is fucking jacked it's an old injury i had from playing drums and uh it's a real hard you got a drum injury yeah you'd be surprised some other drummers when a planters fish a lot I don't know what the fuck they call it but it was from I was I had poor technique and I was trying to do this bass drum lick uh this thing that John Bonham did in this song good times bad times these really quick uh 16th note

triplets triplets I'm sure you heard that in the fight game. I had bad technique what I was doing, and I fucked up the arch of it. It literally felt like as I was walking down the street, someone was like I was stepping on nails. Wow. I didn't know what to do. Typical Irish guy. I just thought, well, I'll just fucking stick it in the air for a minute,

and it'll be fine. I toughed, and I finally had to go. There's a little, you got to take a bottle of water, freeze it in the fridge, and then just sit there rolling it on the bottom of your foot, anti-inflammatories, then you got to rest it up. So what is the actual injury?

Is it a tendon? I don't fucking know. It's a carpal tunnel for drummers. I always stop and think about if I lived just 100 years ago or even less, I would be useless. My body's been screwed back together

so many different times, so many different things. I've had three pretty significant knee surgeries, two reconstructions, both knees. I've had the ACLs replaced. This one I had my meniscus done. I had my nose fixed. My nose was broken who knows how many fucking times.

So they had to scoop out all the shit out of my nose and the deviated septum repair. I stop and think about it. Like if modern science wasn't around, modern medicine, be fucked you'd be an ogre i'd be living under a bridge i'd be a cripple i wouldn't be able to do anything for without fear of my legs giving out and popping out and falling to the ground in agony you know that's just what people did back well i would have been dead my appendix ruptured in the sixth grade that would have been it would have been a wrap wow i've been one of those ruptures in the sixth grade. That would have been it. That would have been a wrap. Wow. That's when your appendix ruptures.

What happens? Your parents just tell you to go take a nap, and they don't believe you for three days. And then finally they take you down there, and you almost die. Yeah. Wow. I always trash my parents for that one. They just didn't believe you. No, I don't know.

My brother's convinced I was playing baseball and that's what happened. I don't even remember. I just kept having like side pain and then the next day I would feel fine. Then I'd have a fever

and then I would feel fine and then one day I guess it just burst. Isn't it crazy that what your appendix is is an organ that you don't use anymore because it's used to

process raw meat? Yeah. I thought it was for bone. It's an organ that we've evolved past. It's for bone, breaking down bone. Is your intestines or an organ? I thought your organs like a liver, pancreas.

Google that shit, son. Google intestines. Find out what the fuck it is. I'm pretty sure that what an intestine is. Kidneys. Not intestine. Appendix. Appendix, rather.

What appendix is, is an organ that we used to use when we processed meat. We processed much more raw meat. You know? I thought it was when we ate meat. We processed much more raw meat. I thought it was when we ate leaves. I thought it was bone. Of the trees. Jesus, look at us. It's something that we're evolving. Between the three of us.

Yeah, we don't have a fucking clue. It's something that we're evolving. We're evolving so we don't use it anymore, which is pretty fascinating when you think about it. It's actually, it couldn't have been that long ago. It's like clear evidence that the human body is adapting to its environment. And we literally don't use this fucking organ anymore. And sometimes it blows up in your body.

You know, I mean, that's what it does, right? Just fucking, it's like, why am I here? Suicide bombs.

I would have, I would have died of that. There's a couple of things I would have died of. I broke my arm when I was six. I got hit by a car. If I, if it was the 1800s, I would have died by that. There's a couple of things I would have died of. I broke my arm when I was six. I got hit by a car. If it was the 1800s, I would have died by getting hit by that car in the 1800s. How did you get hit by a car? I didn't look.

I was racing my brother home, and he had stronger legs than I did. So I figured if I crossed, I was sure I looked. And I just do right out in front of a Jeep. I wish I had video because I still don't know how I didn't get run over. All I remember was being upside down and feeling the heat of the engine and seeing the bumper. Oh, my God. And then the next thing I remember, I was lying perpendicular to the double lines. I was only out for a second, just like Belzer when he got choked out.

I was only out for a second because when I came to, the biggest dude you ever saw in your life gets out of this Jeep. He probably had nightmares because of the way I just rode out in front of him. He got out already crying, going, oh my God, I hit him. Holy shit.

And all I could think was, my dad's going to fucking kill me. And I got up and I ran. The only thing that fucking happened, the only thing that, other than I got knocked out, was uh you know that thing here if you bite down on your back teeth that thing that goes in and out on the side of your head yeah that's right where i got hurt so i had to eat with a little spoon for a couple of days i remember it happened on a wednesday because the doctor says you don't have to go to school for the rest of the week and i was psyched i finally

didn't have to fake school and i had fucking fucking Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off. It was totally worth it. It's one of the reasons why I stopped fighting is because when I was kickboxing, there was many nights where I couldn't chew my food. I'd come home and I literally couldn't chew. Oh, because from getting hit on the side of the head? Yeah. And I would get headaches.

I'd lay in bed at night and get fucking vicious headaches. That was not fun. Yeah, dude. That was scary shit. But I'd be chewing food. I'd be chewing food going, ugh. You know, you get kicked in the fucking jaw.

That's not fun. You know, you get kicked or punched in the head, like really blasted. Oh, yeah. Your jaw just gets unhinged. Dude, I fought right up until fifth grade, and then I went from being one of the bigger kids to one of the smaller kids.

And then also, kids started getting to be like a buck 20 and kind of knowing how to throw a punch. That's scary. You saw the back of the smaller kids and then also kids started getting to be like a buck 20 and kind of knowing how to throw a punch and like i saw i saw scary oh yeah dude i totally became a coward i became funny i knew a bunch of dudes who had brain damage i knew a bunch of dudes from boxing gyms that had brain damage it wasn't too significant but it was enough that you could see it and i'd seen guys from uh you know when i started when i was 15, and I'd seen how they evolved, how they developed brain damage up until when I was like 21 when I stopped fighting, 21 or 22. I got to see the deterioration.

That's some scary shit. What's his face? You know what saved me? I wanted to get in shape when I was living in New York, so I started going to Gleason's Gym, but I just did it like total actor. I just wanted to get shredded. They were calling me like Billary Swank and shit. Did I tell you about this?

Yeah. Giving me shit. So Charlie Murphy fucking gave me great advice because I told him I was starting to go over there because he's all into that martial arts shit. There you go. And he just called me. He's like, hey, yo, Bill, let me tell you something. And he totally fucking broke it down. He's like, you're going to be over there for like, he literally broke down. He goes, you're going to be over there for like fucking maybe a month, month and a half.

And somebody's going to come up to you and tell you that you look like you're decent. And they're basically going to try to talk you into getting into the ring because they need fresh meat. And he goes, do not go in there under any circumstances. I'm like, whatever, Charlie, you're always preaching this apocalyptic shit. Dude, literally clockwork. Six weeks over there, this fucking black dude shredded comes up to me. Hey, man, you're a comedian?

Man, you don't look like a comedian. Look how you've got a nice jab or whatever. You know, we want to spar a few rounds? I almost started laughing. It was so exactly what the fuck he said. I was like, get the fuck... Six weeks in, a comedian? This fucking guy's been fighting for like ten years to beat you up

He wanted to try this shit that he didn't have the balls to try against a professional He was gonna try some new I don't know Superman hook. Is that a punch? I don't know what the fuck it was He wanted to try it on my dudes do look for Charlie Brown guys to spar with yeah They look to beat guys up to improve their confidence and try their techniques on. Nobody wants to spar with a guy that's going to beat the fuck out of you. You want to spar with a guy

who's going to just kind of barely put up a fight and you're going to be able to tee off on him. It's like glorified pad work. That's basically what Charlie told me. That's true. Charlie Murphy gave you some good advice.

Great advice. He laughed his ass off when I told him that because he just started thinking about my big stupid Charlie Brown head getting battered around the ring. Boxing gyms are notorious for that shit. See, when that happens in Jiu Jitsu, it's really no big deal.

I remember when I first started doing Jiu Jitsu, I started rolling with guys who were really good and just getting humiliated, getting strangled. There was this one purple belt kid. I was a white belt and I was on news radio and I was just starting out and there was this purple belt kid, this Brazilian kid who was badass and he used to fucking rape me every belt. I was on news radio, and I was just starting out. There was this purple belt kid, this Brazilian kid who was badass, and he used to fucking rape me every day.

I would be terrified to have to fucking roll with this kid because he was really good, and I was terrible. And every time I'd roll with him, this motherfucker would mount me and choke me and armbar me. He would tap me three, four times, and I was exhausted. Just over and over and over again he would tap me. But it didn't hurt me, you know what I'm saying? But what was the level of frustration coming from being a national champion in Taekwondo?

Very frustrating. Well, it was eye-opening. One of the reasons why I stopped doing Taekwondo is because Taekwondo, you don't punch to the head in the tournaments. And I started kickboxing. I started working with – there was a guy named Joe Lake who was a boxing coach in Boston, and he was training at the same gym that I was at, and he was offering me to teach me boxing if I would teach him how to kick.

And so we sort of made this little deal and worked back and forth with each other. And I started boxing. And as I started boxing, I realized how bad my hands were from Taekwondo. And then I'm like, I'm wasting all my time doing this Taekwondo shit. But then when I go box with guys and kickbox, I'm fucking terrible with my hands. So I started getting really good at my hands and working on it. So I'd already been enlightened to the fact that my original path was not the best path in the world and one of the reasons why I stopped fighting I stopped fighting in Taekwondo tournaments because I realized how silly it was how easy it was for people to punch me in the

Face and how many techniques didn't work once you added punching then when the ultimate fighting championship came along I realized like oh well look what this fucking guy does he just you know hoist Gracie just takes guys down and strangles them What the fuck would I do if that guy got me i don't know shit so i started doing jujitsu and i was just a rank beginner i was i had wrestled one year in high school so i knew how to throw bodies around a little bit but i didn't know how to defend myself against anybody who's any good and this kid just mangled me over and over but he never really hurt me you know if this was kickboxing and he did that to me, he would have given me brain damage, broke my face, knocked me out. But this guy just choked me and I just tapped and he armbarred me and I tapped.

But he's not really hurting you. Every time he's doing this to you, you just tap. Just emotionally humiliating. Devastating. Just to know. You don't realize until you roll with a guy who's good how a guy who's like that, you know, high-level purple belt, a strong guy, can just do whatever the fuck he wants to you. Like literally you have no defense. There's almost nothing you do. If you don't punch him and knock him unconscious as he's grabbing a hold of you, once he grabs you, you're a victim. You're just a victim.

You know, it's almost like if you get grabbed by like a bear, like a wild animal, it's the second they grab you, button down, you're finished. It's way worse for the bear. You're finished. Can you imagine what it must feel like? There's a photo that a guy took. He died. He was killed by this bear.

But he got one last photograph of the female charging him because he was a wildlife photographer. It's a very famous photo. And he was in the woods. And as he's walking through the woods, he stumbled upon bear cubs. And as he stumbled upon bear, it was just too late. The female just runs at him, a grizzly. And he got a photo of her fucking lips curled, teeth bared, roaring and looking at him with dead eyes. And that was his last photo that he ever took.

It's a fucking intense photo. If you find it online, anybody who finds it online, Twitter that shit to me because I lost it. I had it online. I was showing it to somebody and then I cannot find it anymore. I don't know if it was pulled or what. Jesus. You know, when I was in Colorado, my dog got eaten cannot find it anymore. I don't know if it was pulled or what. Jesus. You know when I was in Colorado,

my dog got eaten by a mountain lion. Oh, yeah. I know. I've been keeping up on you. Just so you know, we're at that two hour and 20 minutes. I know where we are. We should probably end this.

Nobody wants to listen to a two hour and 20 minute podcast. By the way, you have a podcast we should talk about. Yeah, first of all, Bill Burr does not have fucking Twitter. So we got him a goddamn Twitter account. Bill, you got to have to use this.

I'm not going to use that shit. It helps you promote gigs. It's the best thing for a comic to use right now. It's so easy to promote gigs. I would have known that you had a podcast if I heard something on Twitter. Don't you know that that's by design? My podcast, I don't hype it. I don't hype it.

My podcast, I totally hype it I don't hype it my podcast is totally I do it for fun and it's I go I'm way dirtier I'm way dirtier yeah but people don't know but you guys

you fucking know me you know me you didn't even know I had one I knew you had one I didn't know you had one I remember it from your MySpace page you think that you knew

that I had one but you didn't I remember you used to do it with a phone you used to do it with a phone I You used to do it with a phone. I do. Yeah, but I just don't give a fuck. How do you do it now?

Do you sit down with a microphone now and just rant? How do you do it now? It's the same thing. Yeah, people send me questions, and then I just go off on shit. So now you don't do it on a phone. You don't do that anymore? No, I haven't done it on a phone now for about a year. Oh, one of those voicemail things?

A year and a half. Oh, yeah, when I used to call up GCAS. Yeah, GCAS. That was a lot of fun, though, because I could be in airports making fun of fucking the creeps at Cinnabon and all that, and people really liked that. How come you don't have a fucking Twitter account? Dude, I just got on Facebook. But Facebook's good, but Twitter's great for promoting gigs.

I got a gig at the Punchline in Atlanta this Sunday. I'm still listening to Duncan, okay? There's nothing wrong with that. I got a gig at the Punchline in Atlanta this Sunday. There's nothing wrong with that. I got a gig at the Punchline in Atlanta this Sunday. I just booked it because I'm going to be in Atlanta on Monday, and I had a fly-in Sunday afternoon. So I said, why don't I just do a fucking show there? So I just started promoting it. I started promoting it on fucking Twitter.

I just threw it up on Twitter. I'm going to let people know. So then people start retweeting it and letting people know. It's almost fucking sold out. That's all you have to do. Yeah, but you also get Joe Rogan. I'm going to let people know. So then people start retweeting it and letting people know. It's almost fucking sold out. That's all you have to do. Yeah, but you're also Joe Rogan. Yeah, but I mean, it helps. But people know who you are.

It helps. You're a celebrity. You're a celebrity too. When I told people that you were coming on the podcast, people got all fucking excited and fired up on Twitter. What, seven of them? No, a bunch of them on Twitter. I'll show you some.

You know something. Are you against filling seats? Bill Burr. I'm against this fuzzy math. Look, I'll show you. There's a lot of people in here that we filling seats? Bill Burr. I'm against this fuzzy math. Look, I'll show you. There's a lot of people in here that were talking about Bill Burr. There's a lot of people. Look at that.

I'm scrolling. I can't find Bill Burr on Twitter. Right there. Bam. It's Bill Burr on Twitter. People are trying to find you on Twitter. And that's what you do. You leave them wanting more, Joe.

Look, you know how much it's a pain in the ass to do all that shit. It's so easy. Do you have an iPhone? What do you have, a Blackberry? I fucking Twitter every week on my fucking podcast for an hour. And you can listen to it. But that's not Twitter. It's on iTunes.

It's not the same thing. Twitter is like a text message that you send to all your fans. So I've got 130-something thousand people on my Twitter. Quit showing off. We already know you're a fucking black belt. I'm a baller, son. 131,785. 30 something thousand people on my Twitter. Quit showing off. We already know you're a fucking black belt. I'm a baller, son. One thirty one seven eighty five. So that is a hundred and thirty one thousand people that I can get in contact with pretty

much instantly. I mean, if they pay attention to their Twitter, you know, all you have to do is your Twitter. Hey, I'm going to be in fucking Newport Beach. Bam. And then you can get people to come to your shows. It's so much easier. It's so much easier than going on a radio show and getting up in the morning. You know, you could fucking get things.

Yeah. You know what I am? I'm always like I always like the old school way of doing shit. I always think it's better. I don't know why. You're an old school sort of a guy, Bill Burr. I'm a romantic. You are a romantic.

And with that note, ladies and gentlemen. By the way, Joe, that bear photo is fake. I'll get on Twitter, though. It's fake? Yeah. Which one is fake? The one with the dead body? Oh, I don't know.

You're talking about... Oh, no, no, no. That's a different one? Yeah, that is fake. The other one is in the woods. I will talking about... Oh, no, no, no. That's a different one? Yeah, that is fake. The other one is in the woods. I will start tweeting. It's a black and white photo. That's what it was.

That tweeting. That just sounded gay. Tweeting. Tweet. Yeah, but say it, Joe. Is it your saying? Just say, yeah, I tweeted about that yesterday. I tweeted about that yesterday.

See how you looked away? You couldn't look at me. You couldn't look at me. Bill, where are you going to be at this weekend? Where can people see you? I'm going to be at the improv the improv down on uh melrose hollywood improv and next weekend i'm going to be at the orleans with tom papa co-headline with tom papa last last gig uh george carlin ever did was at the orleans casino wow in vegas huh that's a good place i'm going to be

there i've been there for fights um billbird.com b- B-U-R-R, BillBird.com. And I have a podcast. If you click on the podcast link. BillBird.com slash podcast. And you can find it on iTunes. It's called the Monday Morning Podcast. Yeah, the Monday Morning. We got him a fucking Twitter account, okay?

We're going to force him into getting Twitter. We're going to set it up here.