The Joe Rogan Experience - #260 - Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: September 4, 2012

Joe sits down with Greg Fitzsimmons.

Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night! All day! And then that happens. This is what happens every podcast. You have these fucking awesome conversations, you get rolling,

and then we play that music, and all of a sudden we got to start from scratch again and we forget what we were just talking about that we were like saving for the podcast what were we talking about we have a very inefficient way of starting the show and we've never analyzed it until this moment i've always thought the best like talk show like tonight show thing would be as soon as the guests walk in the stage door backstage they should just be getting filmed and then play pieces of that yeah you know because who gives a shit once they sit down and they tee it up it's like i can tell you the end of george clooney's story yeah his mom made cookies

and then uh she got hit on ball who gives a fuck i agree fuck about your little pre-packaged dry ass story that you've done on four other talks you know we talk shows now you see guys promoting a film there's this website that tells you all the late night shows guests for the next two weeks and you'll see like paul rudd go fucking daily show tonight show, Conan, you know, and then start working your way down. So you're on like Jimmy, what's the guy who does the late, late NBC show? Jimmy Fallon? No, no, no. No, not Jimmy Fallon.

He does music. He was on MTV. Not Jimmy. Jimmy Stewart. Carson Daly. Carson Daly. Carson Daly is still on television for 10 years. I like his taste.

I find a lot of weird, creepy bands and movies from that guy just because he's kind of like cutting-edge hipster. There's a reason why he was on MTV, our same generation. Now he's older, so he does give some cool taste of music once in a while. So you watch? When I catch it, I'm interested because he does pick little random cards out of the blue that you maybe you haven't heard of like music wise at least or movie wise i don't know i

don't think he's bad i'd take him over leno any day no i never said he was bad no no those things are fucking hard man those things are really hard to do it's really hard to do a talk show like that and be even remotely interesting it It's so segmented. It's like you never really get a chance to get rolling. You're just trying to interject and say witty things in this really brief story. It's like you barely get to know someone. Under the idea of breaking it up for these long-ass commercials, and you talk in between the break, and then when we come back,

it's so fake and hokey. You remove yourself. And the good guests just say, you know what I'm going to do? He's going to introduce me, and I'm going to tell a great fucking story, and then we're going to go to commercial. But if you try to fake that you're hanging out talking,

that's torture. Especially when you're using an alien-ware computer, right, Joe? Yes. It's hard to do, man's it's hard to do that job that's a really difficult job this is way easier it's way easier to do a podcast like there's a yeah yeah because a podcast you just start talking you know a show like that like you have to you have to operate within like this really narrow frame of time like what if there's like a really intense subject something that is a really controversial to you and the person that you're talking about it with like sometimes it might require a long time to delicately work through some weird subject like if a guy comes on and he's talking about his wife just had an

abortion or something that That could do it. Yeah. It could, yeah. There's no part two to that. Well, you know, it's like there's certain things when you're talking about it, you need some time. You don't want to have to go, go to freaking five. You know, like, come on, really? Okay, we'll be back. And there's a tension because the host has to fill every second.

They get uncomfortable when the thing's not going well. So they jump in like some dysfunctional enabler. Yeah. The commercial ruins the conversation. It ruins it. It fucking kills it. It's the death of it.

And the idea that you have to do a commercial at a certain time like Opie and Anthony have commercials but they just talk until they're done

and then they go alright you guys want to take a break? Let's take a break play some commercials we'll be right back. And it's completely organic. It's like you're watching separate shows.

You're watching one hour and a half show where they didn't go to commercial and then another hour show where they didn't go to commercial, and then they'll go to commercial. And also you don't get the sense with Opie and Anthony or podcasts that we're talking the way two human beings talk. There's a rhythm and there's a pace, and there's not high's not high iq moments every three seconds like when you watch a monologue in an interview you had 20 writers mapping every word so to me it's off-putting and i think it is to a

lot of american sitcoms are the same way human beings don't have conversations the way they do on sitcoms so that's why people started wanting reality tv they were like this shit is makes me feel uncomfortable because it's not real right yeah it's it's clumsy it's like the way the president talks to the to the people that's the same sort of thing it's the same sort of animal it's like seeing gene simmons on his show that's just a noise the fuck out of me because fake stuff because it's not only fake it's just really dumb fake. Like he glued dildos to his hand, you know, like really? Yeah.

I have to believe that you glued a dildo to your hand. It's so unfortunate. But I guess he's just trying to keep doing it. You know Bobby Lee, right? Sure. Apparently he's talked about this. I'm not outing him about this. When he goes on the road, he finds out.

How many times have people had to say that statement in reference to a Bobby Lee story? Which, by the way, I love Bobby Lee. Love Bobby Lee. I really do. I mean, truly. But you know why? Because he's a broken toy and he knows it.

We all know it. So you don't have to... So that's why I'm telling this story. And he's a sweetheart of a guy. He is, but he goes on the road, he buys three bottles of Elmer's glue, and at night he pours it on his hands and then peels it off. Are you serious?

That's so cool. Oh, my God. And I heard that, and I was like, I want to fucking do that. Dude, you know those markers, the Crayola markers? You can bite off the end and then take out the ink out of it. You put that in the glue overnight, and it will turn whatever color marker. So you put it on your hand.

You can make it make green Hulk hands so it looks like you're peeling off. Nice tip for Halloween. Yeah, you should... What are you, 12? You're 12. What the fuck is wrong with you? What the fuck is wrong with you, man? He's like a stone. That's a late reaction, Joe.

He's got a hole in his brain, folks. He took too much ecstasy. He's like that commercial where they show the hole, do a 3D of his head. God, can we just talk about how ecstasy is just so amazing? That is so amazing. He's got a hole in his brain.

It's such a truth serum. Yeah, it's leaking. It is a truth serum. It really breaks apart your life in front of you, like, really accurately. Like, it's really nice. If you talk about,

I don't want to tell, don't do ecstasy, but in my opinion, like mushrooms never really seem, they kind of help me when I'm like, yeah, that's cool if walls look like butterflies and stuff, where ecstasy actually kind of like, almost like you just start talking about shit that's bugging you. And like, I was really angry the other day,

and I just kept on, like, why am I so angry? Everything I'm saying is anger. And like, it really showed me immediately like what was wrong with me at that point it's like a psychiatrist and a pill it was weird hmm have you done it much you've done once or something i did it once yeah it's don't do it but it's amazing i did a long time ago but it wasn't good it's got apparently got a lot better. Yeah, I had a positive experience. I learned something from it, but I also realized that the physical toll is pretty substantial. Your body takes a big hit.

Well, I've fled a lot of 5-HTP and a lot of counter fucking ecstasy, fix my brain juice and stuff. So I do it right. I've never the next day felt like shitty like a lot of people wake up the next day and feel depressed and it was you know yeah i've never felt that well that was originally how on it was uh conceived right roll on and roll off those are like some of the first products yeah and the idea being to help reboost your your neurotransmitters after you go on a binge Oh yeah? I love that instead of us working towards people You know, becoming sober

We work towards fixes Just like hangover juice Just adopt Don't change We just say it's too fun It's too fun to not indulge I like to experiment with my head man Go on a liver cleanse or something.

What's that? Can you turn these down? Turn these down? Yeah. What's going on here? I feel like I'm at an ACDC concert except it's you guys talking. Better? Yeah, that's great.

Thank you. Thank you. Oh, he's on a different channel or something? We all have our separate volume channels. That's crazy, man. That sounds so deep. We all have our own separate volume channels. Who did you have on last?

They probably turned it up. I don't remember. Whoever it was probably had cum in their ears. Whoa. How dare you? How dare you? Silly boy. Yeah, that ecstasy's not good for you, boy. Yeah. Eventually it's

going to rot your head out. I literally do it once every four months or something like that. I don't do it every week or something something crazy but even once every four months that's hitting it kind of hard well they say that it does fuck with your receptors that you can't get happy it's like uh same thing with opiates if you if you take them too much you you clog up the receptors and the only thing that gets through is the drug that's why it's so hard to get off of those fucking pills. If I can get in, it's brutal to get off. I could easily never do ecstasy again.

I've had several friends, several people that I knew and grew up with, who became pill people. I've seen it happen. I've seen people lose everything. I've seen them lose their shit for pills. That shit's creepy. It's weird. It's a weird thing.

He went from taking the pills, because it's basically heroin. It's the same makeup. He didn't have pills one time, but a club and some happy little helpful doorman said, well, why don't you just snort some heroin? I got some heroin. Boom. Over.

Jesus Christ. I got some heroin and boom. Over. Wow. Jesus Christ. I took a shoulder surgery a couple summers ago and they gave me way too easily. My surgeon gave it to me, then my general practitioner gave it to me and I had a supply going and I took

that shit for six months. I was taking not a ton, maybe three, four a day, but it started to feel like when i didn't have one i was not feeling good and then when i stopped it was some fuck those toughest two days of my life yeah i've heard that the withdrawal is like almost some people they just can't take it it's like a torture and they just quit and they go back on the pills and say you know i'm i just can't do it yeah it's terrifying how easy it is to get them it's terrifying how like quick people are to take painkillers

yeah i'm good i mean i like drinking more than any of this you know like i think that's just something that i could relax have a few drinks feel good but i i don't never got into having like cocaine and it seems like that's just like once you you do it once the next day you wake up Relax, have a few drinks, feel good. But I never got into having cocaine. It seems like that's just like once you do it once, the next day you wake up and you feel like, shit, I don't want to do that again. Yeah, yeah. I don't get addiction of pills.

I think that opiate thing is a totally different monkey. I think once it grabs you, it just grabs you by the balls and just entwines itself with your system when you get that monkey on your back that's a completely different experience i think the opiate one seems to be more of a intense physical experience yeah it is and i'll tell you what i got a friend who's been doing it for five six seven years. Very successful screenwriter. Cannot write without it. Because writing is scary. And if you lose all your fear

and you write with abandon, that's when you do good writing. So he started taking them because it got him out of his writer's block. But now you start taking it just to get normal. That's when you're in trouble. When you're not even getting high. You're just trying to crawl back.

They're terrifying And people will call me a hypocrite Because I smoke so much weed Hypocrite But I can stop And take a week off And I feel no physical effects Like I did recently, I went to Hawaii

I didn't get high for a week It didn't bother me even a little bit. It's like there's no withdrawal effects. There's nothing. I don't think people understand that. I mean, some people think that there's some sort of a psychological withdrawal effect that some people go through. And then there's people that just their body just completely behaves differently than the normal person's body. And they have much more of a proclivity towards addiction. There's some people, apparently, that have much more of a proclivity towards addiction. There's some people, apparently,

that like any sort of a change in a state of consciousness to send them on a spiral. Oh yeah, they can study the brain. They can look at chemicals in the brain and see an addictive brain and the way it behaves. It's very different. It's fascinating. And so there are, I would never say,

I mean, look, some people die from eating peanuts. I would never say that my experience in taking anything is the same as yours. So for some people, pot might just be this impossible ride into the depths of hell. I don't know. And then immediately they're hooked on it. Not to me, but to someone with some really funky, weird genetics. Someone that can die from cranberries or some shit. You know what I mean?

Like one of those weird people. No, I mean, addiction in my family. I mean, my dad died at 51, basically, drinking and smoking. And, you know, three and a half packs a day. I'm sorry, I hate hearing that shit. And aunts and uncles, everybody's got addiction. So I quit drinking 21 years ago. I was 25 years old when I quit drinking.

Dude, I remember. I remember Greg pre and post. Yeah. Yeah. And it was like, for me, it was like, I know I got to. So the addiction shifts. You go from one thing to the next. And for me, it was drinking went to working, went to sex.

And I really believe that, I don't know what a sex addict is. We all want to fuck all the time. What's the line you cross between a healthy libido and sex addict? I dated one. You did? Yeah, and it was very unhealthy. She did not leave the bed all day and just wanted to fuck or masturbate all day well some some people are just trying to erase whatever is fucking with their head yeah it's some

they're running horrible vision from their past you know terrified memories molestation whatever the fuck it is some people are just trying to just rub that out yeah they're just you know they're just trying to masturbate to heighten their experience so they don't have to think about that for a brief moment. Yeah. You know, there's a lot of people out there that were fucked with

when they were kids. I mean, it's a terrifying number. It really is. I kind of get wary, too, when I see somebody who works way too hard and never lets up on themselves. I always think, you're fucking hiding from something.

You know, they're not, no balance balance no real relationships just yeah people can definitely get crazy they can well it's it's it's hard because you get so focused on success and then you're dealing with a bunch of other ruthless motherfuckers who are focused on success so you have to like up your game you know that's that's like the the whole drive of modern man and people get way douchier that way it's like you're responding to competing against each other and you all douche it out yeah worse and worse douche it there's a documentary called happy you can get it on netflix and it's a it's like a um you know a very academic quantifiable look at happiness and how it transcends cultures. They started out showing this guy in India

who pulls a fucking rickshaw and he lives in a tent with his family. And the guy's, you know, it sounds fucking corny. The dude's happy. You know, they followed him and they interviewed him and they say that 50% of your happiness is just your wiring. Here's your fucking DNA.

Here's the juices in your body. Here's how people like, they showed a woman who'd been run over by a truck. She was a beauty queen. And her face is fucking mangled. It's hard to look at her. And she returned to her happiness level within a couple years.

Same thing with somebody who's depressed. They can hit lotto. Within a year, they've settled back at their baseline. So that's half. Then 20% is shit like status career money and then 30 is shit like what you do flow getting into exercise getting into martial arts getting into if you're a writer getting lost in something that's the other 30 so you you have to strive

to control that 30 by not letting the 20 get any bigger and giving yourself the room to have that balance. And it seems like exercise is the number one thing. Yeah, that's a huge part. You've got to keep your body alive. You've got to keep it moving. You've got to keep just stressing it. You've got to keep making it, keep regenerating. You keep sending impulses into it firing

your hormonal system you're gonna you're gonna force yourself to work if you don't force your body to work it wants to just give the fuck up use it or lose it yeah but they say the same thing with what i was saying before how they that's where i i heard about this in the documentary about how you're uh what are the chemicals that make you happy again? Endorphins. Yeah, your endorphin receptors start to dry out. They start to die. And the more you use them, the less they die. So they say try different activities. Learn a new language.

Try a new sport. Travel somewhere you haven't been. Do ecstasy. Yeah. Maybe. Maybe. I could be part of it. Yeah, I don't discount the idea of any really big psychedelic experience for helping you.

I've learned a lot about myself doing them. And the regular one that I do, the isolation tank, just that, just getting high and getting that thing, it's mind-blowing enough. I have some pretty intense visionary experiences doing that. Do you remember them clearly? Some of them I remember really clearly. The one I've talked about before, it's so retarded. But it really did happen. I was in the jungle, and I was walking through the jungle.

And there was a bunch of people. We were barefoot. And they were talking, and i knew their language i understood what they were saying the language was not english it was a different language they were talking and i understood it in their language in my head and then i i freaked out and then i said what the fuck am i and then when i freaked out i spelled it out to myself like in English like what the fuck am I doing I am listening to a language and I understand it in that language but I said that in English and then I snapped out of it and woke up and it was the creepiest thing because just like when

you have this conversation with me and I know exactly what you're saying because I speak English. I knew exactly what they were saying, but it was not English. But I knew what the intent was. I knew exactly what they were saying, and I understood it in their own language. It was freaky as fuck because it felt so real. So you had two selves in a way. There was the guy watching the guy speaking the language, standing, observing. Yes, yes, yes yes that's

what woke me up out of it i couldn't stay in it it was so crazy that i couldn't stay in it it just was like what i wasn't capable of holding the hallucination you ever think about that though because i think that that has a lot to do with maybe happiness or maybe sanity is that we all do have a couple voices you have the guy judging yourself and then you have your id you know your animal impulses and uh you know freud would say it's like your you know your your ego and your super ego right and and that basically you are observing yourself all the time and the guy that's observing you is the fucking asshole he's the one that's socializing you and getting you to do what's appropriate, which you need to a certain degree.

But the balance within that, I think it's the distance between the two voices. Right. You know, obviously, if you completely became transcendent, maybe the Dalai Lama has one voice. And how close can you get those voices? Hmm. Really close, I bet. Yeah, well, you know, there is the momentum life and then there's the every now and then

you're like objective assessment of the life that you're living on momentum. Like sometimes you're just life is on momentum for like long slides and then you need like another perspective on yourself. A little speed bump. Yeah, you need to go, what's go what's going slow down what's going on here buddy yeah how are you really thinking how are you really living i think that those reset situations that you can get in life whether they're a strong yoga class you know whether it's a you know a dui that could do it too yeah it could

be external fuck yeah yeah, fuck yeah. Where you could realize, holy shit, I'm a fucking loser. I'm out there driving drunk. For sure that could fucking snap you over into a realistic perspective on where you're at. And the other voice then steps up. Those little epiphanies can happen

and then all of a sudden that guy that was in the flow is like, get in the back seat i got the wheel for a little while you're gonna get it back on the road here you know and it's like uh you know for me having a wife and kids uh and not drinking i don't have much escape so i really do struggle with that like the guy that's telling me to do the right thing and i realize i drive a fucking prius i have college savings accounts for my kids i fucking exercise like well that's great it's great stuff but there's a part of me that feels like that animal inside right you know and i'm not gonna fuck around you know i'm not gonna drink uh so i try to find other ways and And part of it is just being a clown.

When I'm out with my wife, I fuck around with everybody. Parking attendant, waiter. I just, to me, it's like being out with her and having fun is the fucking greatest and making her embarrassed. Oh, that's hilarious. She protests, but she loves it. And that's our relationship. Oh, that's really funny. That sounds like fun.

That sounds like fun. Yeah. I put a napkin on my head at a restaurant last week and she actually got mad at me because i wouldn't take it off it was like a really nice restaurant hilarious god i want to see that that is such a fitzsimmons sense of humor moment you just love just love being able to do that to her do it and realize that you are so different from me. That's what you're saying. Because she grew up in New York City in a fucking not a great neighborhood.

She's a sophisticated chick. She's got her master's in social work. But she's not wild at all. She's very dressed down. But she accepts me because she grew up around insanity. Right, right right right so it's a perfect combination and she she reigns me in peacefully she's not a nagging wife she's not a ball buster but she is almost that other voice that gently i just watch her and she

peacefully brings me back into my kids you know sometimes you know sometimes you you go away and you come back and you see your kid and it's like you're not connected and you've got to work your way back in. And she's like my guide. She brings me back into it. That's awesome, man. Yeah, if you can find someone and you gel with them and you enhance each other, that's what relationships are all about. I mean, that's what we all hope for. But the crazy thing is how rare that is.

But it's work, too. I don't think it's not a perfect soulmate. But I mean, how many people do you know that are truly happy in their relationships? What is the percentage? How many people do you know that are struggling? I would say probably half. Probably half the married couples I know really have a, like to the point where they say it out loud, it's a thing.

Yeah, I would say that you're – yeah, I would agree with you. I think the people that I come in contact with is about half. Half of them seem like a nice couple. Look at that. They seem friendly and seem like they enjoy each other's company. And then half of them, they just snipe at each other. Yeah. And they do it right in front of you.

Oh, man, that's so rude. You know what I'm doing. You know what I'm doing. You know what I'm doing. Just stop it. Stop it now. Do you see what he does? You see it, right? This is what I deal with.

Oh. Oh. Those relationships are ruthless to watch, man. Because that's out in public. You've got to imagine what it's like behind closed doors. Did you see that video of a basketball player who was a first-round draft pick? Yeah, yeah. Did you see that, of a basketball player who was a first-round draft pick? Yeah, yeah.

Did you see that, Brian? Brutal. The dude beat his girlfriend up and did it on camera. Oh, yeah, in front of his daughter. Was it in front of his daughter? Wasn't there a little girl there? Are you talking about he reached over the fence? No, no, was It looked like it was in some sort of

Hotel or Apartment lobby Somewhere where they had a security camera Wherever it was He's this big fucking dude Big super athlete basketball player And he like Kicks her to the ground

And smacks her in the head And you're watching this it's terrifying She's really little man she's not a big person and he's giant and apparently he just beat her ass and they sentenced him to a bunch of different shit man they sentenced him to like all told i think he has to go to jail for like three years no and! No shit! Yeah, and he just looked around. When he probably dropped a fucking $20 million contract, too. Well, you should see the video, too.

The video is crazy. He collapses in the courtroom. Collapses. And he was like, oh, no, no, no, no, no! Fell down, collapsed. I mean, it was really fucking intense. It's terrifying. I mean,

he realized that he was going to go to jail for three fucking years. You know what sucks about that is that ain't going to change the dude and that ain't going to

change any other domestic abuser. Putting people in jail, it's like, why isn't there more like, you know, especially in the inner city where you see people

with less father figures and you see more violence to really make it a part of schools that you learn how to respect women, how to respect the opposite sex because it is something that is cyclical and it is cultural. You see a higher instance of domestic abuse with poor people. And that shit, jail doesn't change that shit. It just causes more anger.

Yeah, it's not like it's a great place where they're going to sit around and do ayahuasca and find their spirit self and realize where they went wrong on their path to enlightenment. Surrounded by dudes. Yeah, it's a mess. The whole idea is a mess. And then you get into the fact that there's private prisons in this country. And that's one of the most mind-boggling facts about american culture it just makes you wonder like what what is what is the intention of the people running this

fucking place where they've allowed it's a holiday and they don't want vacancies they get vacancies they're losing money you gotta fucking get some reservation people out there that's what the cops are their reservation is reservationists for the prisons. Yeah. It's almost like that, huh? Yeah. It's funny that the police officers' unions will actually lobby and vote. They try to make sure that certain drugs aren't made legal. No shit. Yeah, sure.

That makes sense. Yeah, police officers' unions. Or not police officers' unions, but what would they call them? PBA? What do they call the people that work the jails? Corrections officers? Corrections officers, yeah. Corrections officers, they'll actually use their money and influence to try to make sure that drugs stay illegal.

Speaking of which, number one domestic abusers in the country. Corrections officers? Really? Yep. Jesus Christ. Super high rate of alcoholism. I read this book about it. Of course. It's a terrible job. It's terrible for them, man. I mean, I don't have anything against corrections officers. It's a terrible place to be. To be just

completely surrounded by people who are locked in a cage and you're not and you walk amongst them all the time, and they can just take a fucking free run at you at any moment. You live your life in constant stress. Yeah. Yeah, I don't envy them by any stretch of the imagination. I think that if you're going to really take putting someone in a jail

and reform seriously, you're going to have to come up with a way better method than what they're doing. Oh, yeah. This is ridiculous, because this isn't reforming anybody. No, there was, I read this book about Sing Sing. This journalist went undercover as a prison guard

for two years, and he came out of it. He divorced his wife. He was an alcoholic, and he was living in a fucking one-bedroom shack. His whole life fell apart. And he said that the alcoholism on the inside, he said it's just, and it becomes consuming. It becomes a challenge that you take with you when you leave work.

It's not you go to your job, you finish, and then you go have your life. It becomes these motherfuckers, and I'm going to do this, and it eats you up. You become part of it. Yeah, human beings are weird as fuck. you become part of it yeah human beings are weird as fuck trying to figure out how our behavior lends us astray or leads us astray rather and how we can try to get it back on track if it's at all even possible like as a as a group of us it's like when you look at the just the massive amount of crazy human momentum-type behavior, where we're just on our momentum.

Like, here's a thing in New York where they had to recently pass something that makes rabbis have to get consent first before they suck your kid's dick. Suck? Yes. Do you know when you circumcise a child, the rabbi traditionally will suck upon the boy's penis to stop the bleeding? No. Yes. Is this just with Orthodox or is this

all Jewish? I don't know what sect of Judaism. I don't really care what they call themselves. Whatever silly people do this. It's real. They've had babies die in very recent times because the baby will get herpes from the mouth of the

whatever, I think they call the oil yes that's a tradition there's a guy it's like there's this nutty fucking video of this guy defending it and he explains it in in the the word the hebrew word which like means to suck like that it strictly says that that's how you're supposed to deal with that so that's what they're doing so and you're just discounting my doing. And you're just discounting. My thought is that you're just discounting that this fucking baby is not going to remember this experience. How do we not know that that's some nightmare

in the back of his mind, like constantly fucking with him? Dude, the sucking is nothing. Cutting the dick is where it starts. Yeah, cutting the dick and then sucking it. It's really satanic shit. Yeah, it's tribal. It's fucking, and it all goes back to shit.

Like, you know that the American Medical Association no longer recommends circumcisions. In third world countries, they do to prevent AIDS and other transmitted diseases. I've never got that. How is getting your dick cut going to prevent AIDS? Well, it used to be because the fold around the crown would get germs in it. You're going to get AIDS that way? it used to be because the fold around the crown would get germs in.

You're going to get AIDS that way? Really? Really? That seems so ridiculous. I think it gets infected more because there's shit that gets in there. Wash your dick, you don't get AIDS. That's my point. We got running water.

So this is just for people who can't even wash their... Oh, so because we don't have running water, they're getting AIDS through their foreskin? Yes, which is true. Their foreskin makes AIDS? Well, anything that folds back around the gland, like a vagina basically, collects way more diseases than a penis.

You know, like men don't catch AIDS almost ever from straight up sex with a woman who has AIDS. But if you got a vagina, you got a really good chance of getting AIDS if you have sex with somebody. If you have any kind of tear in your vaginal wall or ceilings or floors or shades or blinds, your lips, slats.

Do you know that there's a doctor who doesn't believe that? It's terrifying when someone, when you're too stupid to know who's dumb. You know, because there's this guy Who's a His name is Dr. Peter Duisburg And I've read All his stuff And I know that he's a Professor of biology

I believe At the University of California Berkeley It's like a legit Guy And his whole idea Is that HIV

Is not what causes AIDS Oh yeah I heard about this Well President of South Africa said the same thing. Did he really? Yeah, the biggest AIDS country in the world. By the way, I meant HIV before when I was talking about

transmitting disease and not AIDS. I am way too stupid to understand who's right and who's wrong. Because obviously there's a bunch of geneticists and a bunch of disease specialists who completely disagree with him. And they think that HIV does cause AIDS. I wish I was smart enough to know what the fuck who's where it's ridiculous well it's all shit happening in a molecular level it's all it's all guesses it's but it's percentages and if you say that when we

see these symptoms of immune deficiencies happening in people there have lesions and are losing weight then we often find that before that they you know uh that the immune leads to the lesions and are losing weight. Then we often find that before that, they, you know, that the immune leads to lesions and all the outbreak of AIDS. So why not play those odds since we'll never know the actual truth if there even is one? Do you think that's what they're doing? I mean, what Duesberger is saying is that it's linked to partying. What he's saying is that it's dudes like um meth and go crazy and poppers and amyl nitrates yeah apparently those poppers are unbelievably bad for you like like instant brain damage yeah you just and that doing that partying on a regular basis like that just wrecks your

immune system well that i mean it's why third world countries get aids more is because when you're malnourished and your system is worn down you tear easier you have your tissues break open and your immune system can't fight back as much so it's you know it's it's about you know wealthy countries get it less because they're fucking they're in better shape so you what you think is that hiv is something that can be avoided i think it i think the likelihood of getting it is increased when your system is worn down and you're malnourished and you don't have enough fluids in you, then you tear and that's where you have more cuts around you

because your skin, everything is just not as elastic and strong. And that's all coming from sex then. It's just completely sexually transmitted. Yeah, you put a penis in a vagina and you rub it back and forth and something tears and then the semen gets in there. Boom. HIV. Remember when you were a kid and you thought everybody would be dead of AIDS by now? I know.

We were convinced. Well, we caught the wave. We got fucked. We got scared. Do you ever remember what happened the first time you took an AIDS test? Yes. Did you panic? I fucking panicked.

You fucking panicked. Because it's like a 24-hour wait. Yeah, I fucking panicked, man. Yeah. I fucking panicked. I thought about some weird drunk night on the road as a 20-year-old, you know, 21-year-old. Come on, man. I caught gonorrhea once.

I caught chlamydia once. Jesus. So is it really green when you pee? Yes. Oh, gross. It hurts. It hurts worse than any, and you're fighting your need to urinate,

full bladder, but every ounce that comes out, you are ready to fall on the floor screaming. Wow. Yeah, it's nice. And then one shot in the ass, gone. Did you know there's a syphilis outbreak in porn yeah really some dude got syphilis and then like didn't show his full medicals didn't show you fake took the shot he took a shot and he thought he was clean ten days that's a story and

apparently 11 days he didn eleven days he waited one day and then the next day he did a movie and gave people syphilis. Because it's domino. She then has sex with four other guys. I mean he didn't even get another check. He didn't even get another blood test to see if it's still in his

system. He didn't even he just said I gotta work. Well because you don't have to. My friend is the head of the venereal disease department of the health service for california his whole thing is trying to get yeah i mean he knows as much about porn as i do because that's his whole thing is like you know when they started using condoms that was him and and he said that the testing once a month you get tested which means the gestation period for hiv is like 20 days or whatever so you're never really catching it and that there's one agency that does the testing for all the porn movies and it's not even a

medical office it's not it's not a doctor and it's a clinic yeah but they closed all these places down so that they're they're all forced to go to like one place now where it used to be really convenient that like you should be able to go to any doctor get a test get all the tests because it's all the blood sent to the same places these labs but they're not letting them do that anymore so now they're all forced to go to this one sketchy place and and so there's all these creepy people that hang out there trying to fuck with them and stuff like that. Yeah, and it's also they have to pay for it.

The actors pay for the test themselves. What fucking job that you go to? I mean, first of all, it's a law. You have to get tested to work. If it's a law, why the fuck are they paying for it? Yeah, that is a business that didn't get a bailout. That business crumbled. I mean, there's guys still making money money there's like the very clever computer guys but you think about

like the business of pornography and how many people watch pornography and then the fact that all of a sudden no one's paying for it anymore like all of a sudden it all just went away and it's gotten bigger and porn's everywhere yeah it's everywhere and it's free. Not if Mitt Romney gets an offer What do you think? The number one profiteer from pornography Guess who it is? Mitt Romney Nope

Close It's another Mormon Really? Who? The Marriott family They own more hotel chains Oh that's right That sell porn

And that's the only place people are paying for anymore They're the number one profiter from pornography Yeah Squeaky clean Mormons. People do pay for it still. Allegedly. I should say that so I don't get it.

That they're squeaky clean? No, no. That they're the number one profiter. Oh, yeah. I think they may, well, if they're not number one, they made a fuckload of money.

I would say Motel 6 would be number one for some reason. No, but I think they own it. I think Marriott owns a lot of these chains. Yeah, pornographers. Those dirty pornographers,

the Marriotts. Isn't that crazy? I wonder if you found out they made millions a year from pornography. There's businessmen on the road weeping at the end of the bed. Yeah. At least it's on the expense account. I don't have to. That's why they do it so much.

It's all on the expense account. Uh-huh. They don't question you for those $40 movies? They don't mark them anymore. They don't mark anything? They don't give you for those 40 movies they don't mark them anymore they don't mark anything they don't give you a title on the bill just movie course yeah they can't give you a title on the bill that they had to know a long time ago that was a must when you bought porn because i'm assuming you don't anymore what was your thing what section were you in shopping i didn't ever have a thing never really got like too specific it's uh you know the thing

about porn is this different you know you won't see different people yeah you know you you know even if one girl's really pretty you get bored i got like i started off girl girl only like i don't even want any girls in the picture brian's like let me just pretend that we're all in a slumber party and i'm gonna be your best bff ever well it's just something i didn't see every day you know like i have had sex but like i never saw two girls together right it was like aliens to me yeah it's it's strange uh but they look happy usually i just like to see a dream crushed in my clip i need a dream crush i need a casting couch or oh those are the best yeah those are hilarious or the the was it was it bang boss

that used to pull over and people would just fuck get in the car we got a porno star holy shit now my favorite now it's fucking machines wasn't that kid the kid that was in some what was what movie was in the kid that had done a, what was it? What movie was in? The kid that had done a porn when he was young. He did like a bang brothers. Oh, Jonathan. Yes.

Yeah. From project X. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What was his story again? Uh, he just, he did a,

uh, I think it was a bang bus. How old was he? I think he just turned 18 or something like that. He's a John Jonathan. I can't even think of his last name right now, but he was in that movie project turned 18 or something like that. He's a John. I can't even think of his last name right now, but he was in that movie Project X. And he's a big, chubby, nerdy kid with glasses.

Really? And he was in a movie where he fucked, I think it was his first time too, like four girls in a bus. And the funny part was, though, is that- Was it really four girls? I think it was. Good for him. And the funny thing was though is that was it really four girls i think it was for him and the funny thing was is that he had like a huge hog so it's just like it was like so weird that like i actually knew him before like like we had him on i had him on

a few podcasts like i didn't know about it and so just like knowing a guy and then finding out he was in porn and then seeing his his hog well that that happened with me with Simon Rex from MTV. Simon Rex. He was one of the original VJs on MTV. Yeah, doesn't he have another name now? Yeah, he has a band now. Dirt Nasty? Yeah, exactly.

And he's good. He's a fucking good guy. He's really good. He's been on my podcast. What song? The 80s? Is that what it is? I can't remember.

The song about the 80s? Fuck. Now I'm gonna go crazy We'll drop it into the podcast later But Yeah but he did some kind of He's just masturbating But I think it was a big hit With the men

Weird With the gentlemen Came out like after he was famous Fuck Now I'm going crazy Trying to remember this fucking song You so crazy Shut the fuck up

What's wrong with you today? You gotta stop doing ecstasy so much you're breaking your brain man you've got a holy brain what's the fuck machine cheesy brain fuck machine is uh it's called fucking machines.com i think it is and it's actually robots that fuck but they're like really high powered like like you know like like dildos that shoot in and out of them at like 80 miles per hour and they can't control like they're tied down so like oh my there's somebody sitting there going yeah i'm gonna fuck you hard and like it's really crazy like dana diermon did it and

seems like you can break your pussy yeah that's a good way to get your pussy all broken some machine robot metal dick just fucking stabbing you yeah yeah whoa what if what if it goes a little too hard i know what's wrong with the vibrator where you hold the other end is it that much of a chore why would you let a machine fuck you you gotta be real careful about that kind of shit and what's crazy is that that people on those webcam sites are now doing it because they have like these i guess you can easily buy them now for your home like like a portable one that's just like or they make them from like a hardware store but like there's this one girl that she's just like getting a like the dildo is like uh i don't know 12 inches maybe like a huge dildo and she was

giving a blow job to it and she put it on full blast you can just see it like her her throat get bigger like a snake eating a watermelon and it's it was like you're gonna hurt yourself you're gonna break something you're gonna choke or you're gonna crack your neck open oh so crazy and it's what's weird is that what is like the the algorithm in your brain that wants like when you talk about different like i i used to love asian chicks yeah got another feet i was never like let me suck your feet and jerk off but i appreciate a nice pair of feet especially on an asian woman let's just put that out there so then then i move on to the casting couch and i

start to wonder on a deeper level what is it about my personality or my brain waves that attracts me to a specific thing and then what is it that has so broken down the social order that people respond to machines fucking it's like the flesh the softness the humanity has been stripped away and all that's left is the violent part of fucking have you heard of this new um this discovery at harvard they've created a cyborg flesh. Of course, at Harvard, because nobody can get laid. Yeah, exactly. I mean, but along those lines, this is literally step one to creating a robot that's going to fuck you up. A meat robot.

This is nuts, man. Fuck the flying jetpack. This is pretty intense shit. To create the cyborg flesh, you start with a three-dimensional scaffold that encourages cells to grow around them. Fuck the flying jetpack. into the matrix to create a nanoelectric scaffold. The neurons, heart cells, muscles, and blood vessels were then grown as normal, creating cyborg tissue with a built-in sensor network. Is this the plot of a porn movie or is this reality?

This is reality, man. This is crazy shit. This is like cyborg flesh. Like they're figuring out a way to replace your skin with robot skin. I'm going to see you in 20 years from now, and you're going to be a 24-year-old handsome man. Asian. They're going to take your whole body

and slowly replace your skin with some fucking robot skin i'm gonna have to get used to young greg it's gonna be weird i can't wait what about the hair talk to me about the hair fuck even if i could grow my hair i would go back to shaving it it's almost freeing feeling just rub it through but it will stop you from getting a certain type of wait so the harvard people they're they're they've created an artificial skin? No, no, no. I'm saying this is step one to be a robot that is your sex slave. Well, that's why. You know it's all male scientists and the women.

They're like Israel trying to fucking defunct Iran's nuclear program. They're coming in at night exposing all the test tubes. Totally, totally, totally. Throwing fucking paint in them and shit. You're never going to get the fake pussy. Never. Just fucking lighting the laboratory on fire while they sleep. Yeah, they finally think they've got one.

She comes out and they design it like a garbage disposal. The pussy just fucking devours that little dick. That little Harvard dick. You're so funny. That was such a Boston thing to say. That little Harvard dick. Dick. You're at your

graduation with a gown on, trying to hide the stump. This thing is really complicated. I don't think I even understood What I just said But what it seems to me Is that this is They can create flesh They've already figured out how to do that

They figured out a way to create meat In essentially like a test tube environment Yeah So it's just a matter of time Before And the meat is replicated dna is it is it really i don't understand it i'm too stupid to answer that question i guess the big the big turn is getting it to actually reproduce itself dna like it does in humans exactly but it seems to me that if they can replicate one aspect of it if they can figure

out how to replicate meat. It's just a matter of time. It's like we went from the Model T Ford to the 2013 Corvette. It gets better. It gets better, it gets better, it gets better. When they're doing this now, this is what they're doing now, this is going to expand into something else incredibly freaky. This is going to be incredibly, incredibly freaky. This is going to be incredibly, incredibly freaky. This is cyborg tissue.

I mean, you could make a fucking Cylon, okay? You could make a cyborg. Like, this is step one. When they look back in history, when life is like Battlestar Galactica, fucking for real, and we really are fighting off these intelligent robots that we created,

this will be the day where people look at this and go, wait, what did they do? What did they make? They started with this and then goes from this to what? And by the time they tell you about this, how far are they along on this? They'll be the ones telling you about it. Yeah, they'll be clones. Clones will be telling you about cloning.

Well, we figured out how to clone. Because the guy is a clone who's telling you about it. Yeah Well, we figured out how to clone. Yeah. Because the guy is a clone who's telling you about it. Yeah, and the amazing thing is that you look at, like, I went to the Santa Monica promenade the other day, and they come out of the five-story parking garage with a line of cars at two different stations. No human being. Like, you're literally collecting between $5 and $10 dollars every 15 seconds all day and night.

You can't pay 12 bucks an hour to some fucking guy to have a job. And that's what's happened is that they talk about unemployment is debt. You know, the unemployment rate is high. Well, it's not just high because the economy is not doing good. It's they're slicing jobs with machines everywhere just to stay at even with the job rate you would have to be creating x number of jobs every month and with these cyborgs what the fuck who's who's gonna have a job anymore yeah who's gonna have any sort of a manual labor job i welcome the cyborg friends i think i'd rather enjoy paying a machine than talking to some fucking retard in a parking garage.

That's not the idea. I think it's faster, too. It's more convenient. It's faster. Oh, you're so crazy. Because here's the problem. They are going to be intelligent. If they're going to be intelligent,

they're going to be able to be sentient, which means they're going to have their own will. They can do whatever they would like to do. The first thing they're going to do is make a better one of them. They're going to realize what we did wrong, what was stupid about this. This is shitty. You thought about this like a person would.

Let's redo this better. And they'll do that almost instantaneously. Yeah, but that's the big question. In all of this since the 1950s when they started talking about robots and stuff is can there be a sentient moment can there be that transition from something that's been programmed to something that can control itself you know it would be really horrifying if there never was a sentient moment

but it acted as if there was one and it just ran around like this meat puppet program just fucking gunning holes in people. Yeah. Because it didn't know what it was supposed to do. Yeah. You could just throw them in the toilet, pour some water on them, you know, stop. You know, like a cell phone.

It is electronics. You might be able to think twice. I think it would probably have that covered, that whole get wet part. It'll double itself. They already know how to do that with cell phones, you know. There's like some product, they dip it. No shit. Yeah, they dip your cell phone in this product and you can like literally drop in the ocean, pull it out,

dry it off, and make a call with it. Like your existing cell phone, you can bring it in and they do this? Yeah, send them the cell phone, they take it and soak it in some kind of crazy polymer that doesn't, I don't know, the word polymer, I shouldn't even be allowed to say it, because I don't even know what the fuck a polymer is. Whatever. Plastic shit, how about that? Some awesome, super and I don't know the word polymer I shouldn't even be allowed to say it because I don't even know what the fuck a polymer is whatever

plastic shit how about that some awesome super cool plastic shit that keeps water from getting through to the electronics somehow or another

I don't understand it that's weird yeah but there's demonstrations of it online I can't remember the name of it but if you're so curious you will google it

you just get some and dip your cock in it and never wear a condom again yeah I don't think you feel as much you're all waxy and shit like every time you're in the shower with your girl you got a boner she's like why is it so waxy it's just so weird it's like the water's just beating up on it it's just like like the hood of a fucking chevy it's their birthday you light your dick on fire and stick it in the cake. Isn't that,

that is one of the nicest qualities about those old American muscle cars was those big, long, giant hoods when you wax the car and then it rained and the water beat it up on that thing and you just kind of swipe the water off. Yeah. Those fucking cars, man.

Those were works of art. I gotta show you this Mustang I saw today. I was over in Burbank. What? Powerful Burbank. Not Burbank. Wherever CBS Radford is. That's Burbank, isn't it?

Park and Garage. No, Studio City. Studio City. Brian, don't be a hater. Don't be starting gang violence. Check this out. Lake Side Mafia. Some kind of special, it said like California edition.

I pressed a button. What is it? California edition of what? What are you showing me? It looked like a 68 Mustang, but it had these, maybe you'll recognize it. I've never seen one. It's hilarious to me How a guy like you Doesn't have some

Fucking crazy car like this It's time You already convinced me You have to I'm up for a Head writer job on it What's that? I said this is an old Mustang

Yeah looks like a 67 maybe I don't know the years But it's got scoops On the side by the doors The lines of those cars Were just so beautiful And it was a 350 Like special edition

It said on the side But no I'm up for a head writer job That's And it was a 350, like, special edition it said on the side. But, no, I'm up for a head writer job. That's why I was just over there. And if I get it, I'm pulling the trigger because I'll be commuting to fucking CBS Radford from Venice every day. What are you going to get? I think I'm going to get the Challenger. Dude. Goodbye.

It's a lot of gas. Yeah, it eats a lot of gas. But you feel like a fucking man when you get in there. I'll have gas. The rumble of the engine. I rented a Mustang in Ohio. Fuckin' my wife in the back of it. Did not like it.

Yeah. You rented a Mustang and didn't like it? Yeah, 2012 convertible Mustang. No shit. Wait, that's the one you were just telling me about. I have one. I love it. Yeah, but yours is a different style, I think.

Well, it's a different experience. It's the GT500. It's 550 horsepower. It's an aluminum block engine it's the ford gt engine put into this wobbly ass convertible body yeah it's beautiful it's so much fun it's the the most american dick hard car i've ever driven i wouldn't want to black i wouldn't want to drive it every day but when i drive it it's fun it's fuck yeah it's just i don't even think about playing anything except 70s rock in that

car yeah because it just got this rumble of it's like Leonard Skinner all the way I got on a big Leonard Skinner kick when I bought this car because I'm like this is the kind of music you need to be listening to simple man is perhaps the most moving rock song father telling his son how to be a man it It's a fucking great song. Fuck. The Ballad of Curtis Lowe. Yeah. Yeah, they had some classic shit.

Just so fucking underrated. But there's something about dudes that guys can, for whatever stupid reason, like really viscerally connect with the sound of an engine of a car. And, you know, that kind of like, like you know 1970s 19 late 1960s classic rock they ball together yeah into one really like guy-centric experience and i don't know what the fuck it is it's really weird like i've tried to assess my love for the rumble of an engine before like why it's so retarded with me. I get a shriek like a little child when I hear a good engine wail.

I just fucking love it. It just sounds awesome. But it's stupid. It's so stupid. Wouldn't it be better if it was completely silent? That's what I don't like about the Prius, that it's totally silent. But wouldn't that be awesome?

You know, for one thing in this fucking stupid life to not just make a shitload of noise everywhere it goes? Wouldn't that be awesome? Well, you know what? Give me a Prius that has a fake sound when I push the accelerator. It just plays on the inside of the car. Well, you know, they have a BMW that does that. The BMW M5 has the sound of the engine transmitted through the speakers.

It's really kind of a cheesy move. And it's an automatic? Well, it's double clutch. It's an automatic, but the best way to drive it is to use the paddles. When they take it on a track. It's an amazing car. There's nothing bad about the car.

It's just the decision to make the sound come through the stereo seems like cheating. It sounds like what it sounds like. They had to make it a turbo because there's all these new crazy gas efficiency laws that are coming out and it's really hard to make uh the same like gas guzzler type engines yeah and by the time i think it's 2016 i believe it is every car is going to have to be above 35 miles a gallon that's going to be the industry standard so like all these cars like these mustangs and shit you won't be able to buy them just in a few years from now stock them up you can't get anything retarded in a few years

yeah because like and by the way the the the shelby the gt500 somehow or another it doesn't even get a gas guzzler tax you know I don't i don't know how that is it a v8 it's huge it's a huge v8 but they figured out something make it really efficient yeah the supercharger you were saying that what was the car you can bring on a track that got better mileage than a prius a bmw n3 yeah when you bring a prius onto a track top gear did this they um they took a prius and they made it go full blast around a racetrack. And all the BMW had to do was keep up with it. And the BMW kept up with it easily and got better gas mileage than the Prius did.

Because the Prius was fighting for its fucking life. Whereas the BMW was just like sprinting. Well, yeah, but I think the Prius is designed to save you money stop and go through town. It's not for highway. Yeah, that's the whole point of the brakes generating extra power, right? The brakes help recharge the engine. Mine's got a downshift thing now

so you actually collect even more. It'll decelerate the way if you downshift it would and collect that energy. When are you going to pull the trigger? As soon as I get this job. I'm going to find out in the next week. Women will never understand these conversations. But we'll never understand fucking handbags.

Do you ever get a handbag conversation with Mrs. Fitzsimmons? She's not like that at all. Thank God. Thank the baby Jesus. We just went to a big wedding and she borrowed handbag jewelry. I felt like such a douche. Oh, that's funny. She was wearing a fucking dress.

I'm like, look, she shopped for two fucking weeks. Right. And didn't find anything. I go into a store, and it's very simple. I need a shirt. I'm going to this store. I'm walking out with a shirt. That's all it takes.

Pants, this store. Walk, Christmas shopping. Got to buy something for the wife, this store. Coming out with something. She spent two weeks going in and out and did not find anything. That boggles my fucking mind. She had the best affairs ever. Just kidding.

No wonder she had no clothes. She keeps on leaving it at all these guys' houses. She found a friend that had a dress, though, that she liked. That's weird. That's weird. That's hilarious. So what does your wife usually wear? Like lumberjack shit? Yeah, she's into flannel.

Timberlands. Timberlands. She's got hay. She puts hay in her hair. She wears like, she's got big tits, so she'll wear like little A's. 34 D's. Bam. And tight jeans.

Not tight tight tight But you know She's got a good Fucking body man I swear to god I had sex with her The other day And I was just like Fuck

God damn it Your body's nice You know I check her out All the time Nice And she initiated It was fucking nice

She initiated He's giving us Full details I mean In you know In the living room Nice She fucking walked in.

Took it. Any music playing? She wanted it. She went in and took it. Any music playing? No. What was on TV? It was something like CNN.

I was on my laptop on the chair in the living room, and she fucking lap danced me with no music. Whoa. And then we threw down on the couch, and then she just walked away. Kept on doing her shit. Just took it. Wouldn't it be funny if Greg and his wife didn't really have sex at all anymore, but he had written all these stories, but he gets them crossed up,

and he doesn't realize he told us this one already, but it was a little different before. He was on the couch last time. But he said the same thing about her walking away. Can you imagine catching someone in a crazy lie? I have the best marriage ever. You just find out it's just death. That was the saddest.

I saw a little bit of this movie with Kevin James. He's a fucking good actor, man. A very good actor. I mean, my kids watch him in all these movies. And not only does he do physical comedy, but his face can do so much shit, even in a drama. He's a powerful dude. Here Comes the Boom movie. Here Comes the Boom movie, Here Comes the Boom movie is coming out in October,

and that's a movie where he plays a MMA fighter. Yeah. He plays a guy who was a college wrestler. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's fucking great in it, man. Yeah.

He can act his ass off. And he can take those silly high concept movies like that and actually ground it enough to make it funny. Yeah. But this movie, anyway, he's about to,

his friend's going to propose and he's telling him how great marriage is. He's trying to drag him into it. Right. And then the guy sees his wife cheating, calls her on it, and she goes, well, what do you know about our marriage? He goes and gets a fucking handjob

from a Thai girl every Friday and it all falls apart, you know, and this guy wants to get married, but he realizes every married person is spinning another fucking story about their marriage. And to me, it's like, you either stay married,

like getting divorced, you should never do until you need a divorce. Then you should get a fucking divorce. But to live a lie in a marriage, why not kill, you're not alive if you're doing that yeah yeah some people just can't change they have a real hard time just moving on

to the next thing they have a really hard time just changing it's very difficult for some people that's one of the things in this happy movie it talks about how the pain the thing that you think is gonna be losing your job going broke even getting kicked out of your house it's never as bad as you think it's gonna be and and the fear of it happening controls so much of your actions it goes away right away you experience it and you're in a new reality all of a sudden i got no house i found another place my life's moving forward yeah uh you keep on getting out of sync with us for some reason your camera and so i'm trying to fix it flashed i noticed that it flashed yeah i'm trying to fix it right now but as long as the audio is on i'm gonna be i'll be a man of mystery but what is weird is like me and greg would be talking and then you would answer like

five seconds on delay so it was like me and you were in a different world than joe it was really trippy to watch i've been i fixed it once before then it started happening again really yeah do you think it's because of switching this laptop yeah probably switching to windows yeah we tried to do the podcast in windows the itunes version will be good ladies and gentlemen go get that audio version and as far as the video we gave it a shot wait what is it we we're broadcasting for the first time today it looks like it's up. Yeah, I fixed it last time and it started happening again. This is the first time we're broadcasting the video portion of it off of a Windows computer. Why?

We've never done that before. Why? Because we have one. We have this Alienware computer. They gave it to us, so we figured, well, let's try it. Let's try it this way. Normally you do it a different way? Normally we do it through a Mac.

But you should always mix it up once in a while, right? We decided to see what would happen, and apparently there's some issues. I wonder if that's a fixable thing? It's probably the power of the laptop. It's trying to handle three webcams at the same time, so I'm guessing. Really? What a weak-ass bitch. Well, we went from an iMac, which is like top of the line, to a laptop.

So the three webcams are taking it down? But that's a gaming laptop. ass bitch well we went from an iMac which is like top of the line to a laptop so it's three the three webcams are taking it down but that's a gaming laptop those things are they have super power when it comes to graphics cards yeah but wouldn't that have anything to do or is it the information coming at it CPU I mean you're doing three webcams I don't know and it's the power of powering those it's the wrong one you know I should have brought that big giant one in we should have tried it with that one because that one is uh much more powerful don't you think that would that would be we could try it yeah that's a lot of shit to put through a computer sorry folks we're trying to do this technically we're a mess i'm trying to do a two camera thing

backstage i'm doing a one hour special and we're shooting backstage with multi cameras and trying to stream it live before I go on and the director's all on top of that shit and I was just like you know what and what do you begin doing

in the stream live before you go on just you know I'm backstage my two best friends that I grew up with two biggest fucking

troublemakers because I'm shooting it in Tyre Town New York and these guys I can't even get into what they fucking did because one of them

is the town judge the other guy's the fire chief so fucked up these towns are and so uh so the special is going to be me they're pulling up somehow illegally getting fire truck and pulling me up to the front of the theater on a fire truck and then at the end they're leading me out and putting me into a police cruiser and uh tearing the street. So I want to have all my buddies backstage that I used to fuck around with growing up, all the troublemakers, and just right up until they announce my name and go on stage, I just want to be fucking around and laughing. That's a great idea. That'll get you really warmed up, sort of like when we do the Ice House, the podcast

we do right before we do shows. Yeah, exactly. Same sort of thing. That probably inspired me to do it, actually. It's a great move. Think about it. Those are the guys that put you in the frame of mind that made you a comedian in the first place.

Yeah, you get into the rhythm of making them laugh and do that to the audience. Yeah, that is, when you get a group of guys and a couple of them are funny, it can get pretty fucking crazy. Yeah. If you get a group of guys and a couple of them are funny. Well, because then you've got the guys that their laugh keeps it going.

Then you've got the guy you're all shitting on, and you all know the dynamic. It's like the Beatles. You've got four guys, and they all have a role. Exactly. It's hilarious. Who was your guys growing up? Well, my two best friends when I was growing up were two Jimmys, and they were both a year ahead of me.

So they were graduating, and they were both tradesmen. One Jimmy's a carpenter, and one Jimmy's an electrician. Just real normal guys. And I lived with one Jimmy, Jimmy Dutilio. Great fucking guy. To this day, I talk to him every now and then. I really don't get to see him that often. I saw him when I was in Boston when I was there for the UFC.

Him and my other friend Jimmy, Jimmy Lawless. You saw both of them together? Yeah, yeah. We hung out and then they brought their kids. It's crazy. You know, Jimmy Lawless brought his kid. It's just so weird. His real name is Lawless?

Yeah. Badass. He's a great guy, too. Isn't it weird? He's been my buddy since we were like 15. Has it just like old times? He just immediately? Oh, yeah.

He's just a great guy. Well, you know, the thing that I've always said about that life, living that life in Boston, it's a hard life to live in that weather. It's a hard place to grow up too because people in boston have like extreme blue collar work ethic too there's like a lot of that up there too there's a lot of people that like when i was in high school i felt so lazy because i knew like 10 dudes that had landscaping jobs they had their own like like series of lawns they would cut and

then they were hiring people and this i remember this kid was driving a brand new car when we were in high school. Like, what the fuck? He always had money, this kid. It was incredible. He just figured out, I felt like such a lazy asshole because this kid had figured out how to move and hustle. There was so much of that.

I grew up in Newton, in Newton Upper Falls. There was so much of that there. But Newton is kind of right and wrong side of the tracks, isn't it? Well, my side of the tracks was was we just lived in a really cheap house in a pretty decent neighborhood. I mean, it was a cute little neighborhood, but the house was a piece of shit,

and my parents bought the house so that we could be in the neighborhood so they could get us into a good school system. Because we were in Jamaica Plain before that, which was really shady, the area where I was at. JP. Kid, make me a fucking Sully's down JP. JP was shady. I saw some crazy shit living there in just a couple of years.

That was a tricky place. But nothing compared to real bad. And it's not Compton or anything like that. No, but there was that whole Italian-Irish. that it's just no but there was that whole like italian irish like uh you had jp you had uh not dorchester but um uh west roxbury not roxbury but west roxbury yeah right next to jp and it was like you weren't in dorchester but you could get your drugs there and you know there was there was like people that had got just enough money to get out of the really shit neighborhoods made it out to like j. Yeah.

We would go into Dorchester late at night and buy food at places. And I remember we were at this place. They were serving like steak and cheese sandwiches. And it was open really late at night. And this neighborhood was fucked up. It was like you were scared to expose your money before you paid for it because you thought someone would just snatch it from you. There was just some wild, crazy people there, and they had this thick plexiglass between the server and you,

and they only served you through this slot. And they gave the guy the sandwich, and then the guy says, that'll be X amount of money, and the guy just starts screaming, I already paid you, you motherfucker. You're trying to cheat me, you motherfucker. And they're like, let it go, let it go, let it go. Let him go, let him go. Just let him go.

Just let him go. And they just let this guy creep out of there, just hoping that he didn't just blast them. Hoping that you didn't catch a man on his last day. Because you can, especially if you live in a big city. I guess you can get anywhere. You just run into someone on their last straw, like that guy. Just run into that guy. And they're like, have the sandwich.

Thanks. Take it easy. That's where you've got to have instincts. You can take anybody in a city. You take somebody who's not from a city and you put them in a city. They don't have that instinct of let him go, walk away, or challenge. There's times where it's just as safe to challenge somebody. Yeah, sometimes.

But sometimes people talk too much and they get themselves in trouble and they don't know what a real fist fight is like. They don't know what a real, there's no rules out there, okay? That guy could stab you. You don't even know this guy. He might be from some other country where they'll stab people on the regular. I mean, he might fucking shoot you. You don't know what you're doing. Why are you fighting people? Like, if you could avoid it at all costs, avoid it. Yeah. It's a stupid thing to get involved with. But I think challenging can be a subtle thing, too.

Like, when I, you know, walking through New York City all those years, if I'd be in the fucking Lower East Side late at night, three black guys coming from the other direction, not to be racist, but the fucking reality is... I can't believe you went believe you went there three black guys walking past me in a bad neighborhood you fucking cross the street that's dangerous you've got to walk right at them you can't make eye contact but you don't look away there's a subtle way that people know how to live in cities and if you if you fuck that up you become a victim like exponentially more yes absolutely that's what i mean by challenge. Yeah, I know what you mean by that. I agree with that, definitely. What I meant was people start unnecessary altercations.

I run. I just take off. Just turn around? I see a black guy on the sidewalk. You probably could outrun a black guy. I would so imagine. God, was that racist, what I just said? No.

No, because you're just admitting that white people are scared of black people. Yeah. i'm more scared of black people than white people i can tell you i mean if you want to be fucking totally rip myself open and be honest really yeah i am i'm not uh i i think uh physically more black people can kick my ass but i think there's more white serial killers my ass but i think there's more white serial killers interesting i'm with cereal you're going cereal i'm with greg i think uh white people are just as creepy you're crazy i think my fear comes from what i look like i think that okay as a white guy who's not big with a receding hairline i think i look like somebody that you could fuck with who That you could fuck with more. And I think especially for black people, I look,

and it's not true, but in my head, in my fucked up view of things, I think that they're seeing me that way. I'm putting that on them. Well, that could get you in trouble, man. I got robbed by a black guy,

so I immediately think that. You never got robbed by a white guy? No. Never got a gun in front of a white guy. I mean, I've only been robbed once, so. So hopefully in the future

it's a white person, and then an Asian person, and then a Mexican. So you have a multi-racial profile of people who offend you. Don't even put that out there, man. I'm just going to come back to you like the secret. He's going to start hanging around in Chinatown late at night until he gets robbed there. Drunk. Pants down.

Where am I going? I don't know. I keep forgetting. Can you give me directions? Totally lost. Here, I'll give you money. How many dudes are out there doing that right now? How many dudes are out there just fake drunk?

In Chinatown? Yeah. Wow, I am so drunk. I might just do anything right now. Pretending to pass out after they let the guy fuck them. A cop comes over and sees it. You want to report this?

No, no, I'm good. Let it go. How many times do you think cops interrupt blowjobs on a given night in Los Angeles? It's amazing because they don't even hide. I mean, you see prostitutes just bobbing up and down.

Oh, I wasn't saying prostitutes. I was saying someone just getting crazy in the car. Have you ever seen people do that? Oh, fuck. I saw a girl giving head while driving down Pacific in Venice. I'm driving home from dinner with my wife, and we're at a red light, and I point to my wife, and the dude is driving an SUV, and all you see is his head, they're higher than us i can only see the top of the head bobbing

up and down and i look at the guy and he looks at me and i'm expecting a fucking a thumbs up nothing just looks at me looks straight ahead heads bobbing and to this probably trying to keep his boner this was five or six years ago to this day every time we're driving down pacific at that spot i go remember the time she's like yes i fucking remember he was probably scared that you were going to try to honk and ruin his blowjob yeah he's panicking he felt the conflict the eye-to-eye conflict he was losing his edge that's what the porn stars say when they start to lose their boner they lose their edge their edge yeah i wonder what that guy did at dinner because like if i'm if i at dinner, I put the napkin on my head, I'm getting laughs, whatever. Then I'm driving home, she might hold my hand and I get some sense that there's going to be action.

But how good was he at dinner that she fucking started bobbing up and down on him? I don't even think it was dinner, the one that I saw. I saw it was in the middle of the day. It was, oddly enough, with Kevin James. Really? Yeah. And there was a dude and he was right beside us. middle of the day it was oddly enough with kevin james now we're bringing it really yeah and uh there's a dude and he was right beside us and and kevin spotted it first and uh i was like holy

shit and kevin was gonna hit the horn and i talked about it he was just joking but uh the guy saw us and gave us a thumbs up nice that's appropriate, the guy saw us and went like this. And he pointed to it. Yeah. And it was pretty funny. Dude, that was my closing bit. Remember for fucking years? It was like, ladies, you've never seen this before, but here's what we do when you give

us a blowjob. And then I just start pumping my fists in the air. Right. And doing that. I was so embarrassed how long I closed it. That was like first year. First year. Greg Fitzsimmons.

That killed, man. It fucking killed. Wow. Do you ever go back and think about some of the shit that you said when you were on stage? You go, what the fuck? You know, Jim Florentine just put out a CD called My First Notebook. And it's shit that he was so embarrassed he used to do. He found an old notebook.

He went out and he did all of it in a club. He's putting it out on a CD. Oh, that's hilarious. And he's promoting it going like, I don't know why anybody would buy this. This is fucking horrible. That's brilliant. That's hilarious. Well, that's not brilliant for everybody.

A lot of people go, it's fucking material blows. Yeah. But for a guy like me, it's brilliant. Well, I think it would be interesting to people in the same way that you hear Bruce Springsteen, there bruce springsteen there's these tapes they just call them the tapes the album and it was when he auditioned the first time he drove in from new jersey in a fucking broken down pinto brought his acoustic guitar in and started playing uh mary queen of arkansas and all these amazing

fucking songs right acoustic with different chord structures different pitches and it's like it's fucking it's not as good but you're riveted because you're like wow this is this is the fucking sketch that led to this masterpiece wow so i mean not that that would be the equivalent with stand-up but i think it would be interesting for people to hear maybe the what was the roots of a set they already know rather than just a bunch of shit you never did again yeah for sure yeah if they could hear it like after the fact like this is what didn't make the cut yeah this is how the bit evolved the problem is when those uh intermediate steps get online yeah you know when you know they get ready to get on the youtube clip or something like that or you know you see it

and you go ah but that's not even that's like the beginning of it. Yeah. It's like, it's just growing. Like, they're always growing up to a certain point, but there's that really fragile time for a bit when you're first doing it, or the first few times you're doing it on stage, you're not, if one of those got online, you'd be like, ah, that's a stupid version of that. Well, because a lot of times you're talking around the joke. You haven't figured out the bare bones construction of it. Yeah. And you're describing the joke that it later will become.

Yeah, that's a very good way of putting it. But I think what a lot of people don't know that are watching stand-up comedy is that while you're doing it, you know, you're barely even thinking about what you're doing. You're almost like riding it. You're almost like when you really lock it in. You know that feeling you get when you're barely even thinking about what you're doing. You're almost like riding it. You're almost like when you really lock it in. You know that feeling you get when you're really killing? Yeah, you're in the flow. You don't even feel like you're a part of it.

Like you're witnessing it all happen. That's exactly what I was talking about with the happy thing. That's the flow. Yeah. Well, that's what, you know, the whole idea of being in the moment completely zen and locked into how the universe is expressing itself through through whatever the fuck is going on through either stand-up comedy or through music

or through through car racing whatever the fuck it is man it's just that that that moment when it all works out you know and you come off stage there's nights you come off stage exhausted those nights you come off with twice the energy as when you went on It's like you just soaked in all this energy And you just fucking ride it It can last a full day Where you're just buzzing still Yeah, it's a weird gig

And the weird thing about you and I Is that we've known each other since we first started There's not that many guys From our little group. There's you, me, McGuire. Tom Cotter. Tom Cotter. Top three finalists.

He's an America's Got Talent. Powerful Tom Cotter. Good luck to you, buddy. I mean, there's not that many guys from that small group of open micers that we were in. You think of open micers as like classes. This is the class of 1988.'s a class of 1989 and we were the 88 guys yeah you know and it was and every couple years it was a very different brand of comedy that would come out not

very different but enough that you could detect it yeah there was changes in trends and what was that kid's name who was a uh jonathan mcguire no no the guy who was a a regular at the um at nick's comedy stop he was sort of like nick dipalo but oh um he became like their regular guy yeah yeah fuck he's funny as shit funny as shit oh he never left Boston. No, I forget his name. Kills me. He's still a killer, too.

He is a killer, and that's the thing about Boston, is the guys that have figured out the sort of formula that works in Boston, but are also an original voice, it's just amazing how you can destroy, when it's a match of a comic versus a certain locale, like you take somebody like David Cross and put him in San Francisco, boom, locked in. They're going to go for long rides with him. You go to Houston with somebody like what Bill Hicks was.

You take a Southern act, you put him down. Blue collar guy, you put him in North Carolina. But you take guys like Nick DiPaolo or this guy, and you put him in Boston, and it's just, it's explosive. What happens? It's a match. I don't remember his name, and it's driving me fucking crazy. I'm going to get it. He's a really funny guy, but he just stayed.

You know, and I'm sure he does well, like in Boston. Paul Nardizzi. That's it. That's it. Beautiful. That's it. And I remember that kid was like the class, I think, think of 89 i think he came a little bit after us 91 he was wasn't really that maybe 90 maybe 90 yeah because i was gone by i think 92 91 or 92 i was gone might have been 90 i might have left at the end of no it was 91 91 yeah definitely but he was really really fucking funny i'm sure he still is that guy was he was really good just so edgy the shit rips out of the man boom boom and he was like a hammer attack dude who just hammer you over and over again with another one here's

another punchline another punchline yeah that's that rapid fire boston style It's like the crowds in Boston were so hostile that you had to develop this really energetic rapid fire style. You had to be leaning forward mentally. You had to constantly be up. There was no sitting on the stool. Get the fuck off the stool. Jesus, you're an entertainer. Yeah. There weren't long pauses. Get the fuck off the stool. Jesus, you're an entertainer. Yeah.

There weren't long pauses. I mean, you know, you start working the road and you learn the value of a nice, go get a sip of water. Fucking let them sit. They'll kill you. But not in Boston. No way. Stay on the horse. Attack you. But it's also the, you know, I find it a very Irish thing is that you don't deserve to feel good or have any pride.

And so Boston is about stripping it away from you. So every joke is about, I go to the fucking toll booth and I hand him a 20. He goes, you got change? No. That's your fucking job. Your job is to make fucking change. I give you a 20, it's just like any fucking entitlement

is just fucking knock you in a cold way, just knock the shit out of you. Yeah, like immediately. And there was no dissent. It was, yeah, yeah! 100% right. There was no entertaining another side to an issue. Cambridge was an odd

sort of a club. Do you remember Catch a Rising Star in Cambridge? Greatest fucking club ever, maybe. That was a great club that was run by

a psycho. Robin Horton. Robin Horton. Yeah, he was quite a character. But he loved comedy. He loved a certain type of comedy.

He hated me, but he loved comedy. He called me. You go in and you audition for the guy. You do 10 minutes. And then at the end of it, he tells you right away, he goes, no or yes. And he said, no. And I didn't give a fuck.

I've always had very thick skin. I go, well, why? And he goes, well, I can either tell you no or we can go in the back and sit down and I can tell you exactly why. I said, yeah, let's go in the back. First words out of his mouth. As far as I'm concerned, you're just another cocky little Irish puke. That was the beginning. Wow.

That's fucking racist. Yeah, he didn't get racist with me, but he said that I am everything that he hates about comedy. He goes, what you do is everything I hate about comedy. Wow. And I said, oh, okay. Well, I guess then we don't like the same things. And then we had this weird stare down where he's like a big guy.

Thick motherfucker. He was a big guy. I didn't want to tangle with him. I didn't want to have to scrap with him. But it was an intimidation moment. It wasn't a comfortable moment. I didn't like it it wasn't uh like this is a smart friendly guy who should be managing a comedy club and influencing comedians everything had this heavy leftist bent to it yeah everything had this

like harvard socialized yeah yeah well bar Barry Crimmins would sit at the bar, and if he didn't like what you were doing, he would yell shit out at you, like he was the dean of the club. That's hilarious. They were best friends. That's hilarious. And I love Barry Crimmins.

He's a fucking brilliant political guy. But back then, he was drinking a lot, and those guys were on a mission to create a place that they thought was fertile for this type of comedy i was at a catch before i ever did stand up with a friend of mine from high school diane derosa real nice girl we're just buddies sitting in the the club and your boy kevin meanie went on stage this is before i ever got on stage myself and this is when Kevin Meaney was on fire.

Kevin Meaney was a fucking crusher, dude. Crusher. Crusher. And you didn't understand what he was talking about with his big pants. We're big pants people. And you'd be crying and laughing. It was so ridiculous. And I remember leaving thinking,

I knew he was funny because I'd seen him on TV before. He did like five Tonight Shows that year. Yeah, but nothing like seeing him live. It's such a completely different experience seeing a guy like that live. Because the silliness is not that contagious when it comes to the TV. But when you're in front of that dude and he was fucking crushing. It's hard to describe. I saw him in that same club probably on, I don't know if it was the same weekend.

It must have been close. That era. But when he came in, the place was fucking jammed. Yeah. And he went up there sweating in a bow tie and a jacket. I don't care. And to this day, I say when people say who's the best comedian, I say nobody has ever made me laugh as hard in one set as Kevin Manning. Wow.

That's a good statement. I stand by it. I believe you 100%. I might. It's too far of a distant memory for me to say that mine was just as good. But I remember being blown away by how funny it was. It was just so long ago. I think it was like 18 or something.

Part of it was he's silly and he would sing that song, I Don't Care. And that was his theme. He was going to be this ridiculous, rip-fucking-torn kind of a character. Rip Taylor? Rip Torn, I think it is. Rip Taylor? No, Rip Taylor was the guy who threw confetti and acted crazy. It was like a little bit of an element of that mixed with a guy who really understood stand-up comedy.

Yeah. He was fucking hilarious. Yeah, he was at my wedding party. Really? He was one of my usup comedy. Yeah. He was fucking hilarious. Yeah, he was at my wedding party. Really? He was one of my ushers. Wow. Yeah, I grew up in one town over from him, and my dad got him on stage his very first time

because my dad was a big radio guy in New York. Wow. Kevin was a waiter and waited on my dad, and it would be funny. And my dad said, you should do stand-up, and he was friends with the guy at Catch, and he got him on stage his first time.

I remember when we were open micers, I always thought that was really fucking cool. Like, holy shit, Fitzsimmons actually knows Kevin Meaney. Like, you actually knew Kevin Meaney. And when you'd have problems or when you were going through things, you would ask, like, Kevin Meaney questions. I remember us several times having conversations where you were dispensing, like, wisdom that Kevin Meaney told you stand-up and we were talking about it like okay yeah okay that makes sense yeah you know those early years when you're such a blind blabbering fucking moron up there and trying to

like you know hand feel your way through it yeah i got c20 coconut water in the house yeah it was um you know it was a time when i really needed a mentor and he wasn't he wasn't a guy that brought me on the road opening for him all the time it was just more of like you said i could call him anytime and here was a guy who was this hot one hour special on hbo miss uncle buck comes out all the money in the world and i come out to la and stay with him he bought a chrysler k car that's the kind of guy i was fucking business you know underneath all the silliness he was a conservative simple guy so his advice on comedy i especially respected because i could see this

guy was going the distance this wasn't a guy who's hot and was gonna right you know flail out but you you know to this day he's you know he's still out there fucking banging it out that's awesome now he's out of the closet. Now he's gay. Now he's really banging it out. Banging it in. Out. His new joke is. I didn't know that he was. I mean, it wasn't one of those things where I was like, duh. You know, I thought he was straight.

I thought he was straight, too. A lot of people thought he was gay. He'd been married, too, right? Married. What do I give a fuck? What am I, the inquirer? Married with a kid. No, but not only that.

Stupid questions am I asking. Married. He met a woman out in L.A., inquirer? Married with a kid. No, but not only that. Married. He met a woman out in L.A., fell in love with her, and called me. It was my babysitter who lived next door to me growing up. Whoa. How fucking weird is that? Whoa.

How old was she? She's probably seven, eight years older than me. Wow. Harvard, MBA, real fucking successful, type A personality. And yeah, my dad had died. To be a fly on that wall. Oh. There were a lot. To be a fly on that wall.

That's my Gene Simmons impression. Really? Is that what he says? Got a dildo stuck in my ass. To be a fly on that wall. Does he currently have a show? I don't know, man. We're trying to get a campaign to have him apologize to Bert Kreischer.

Bert Kreischer was on the X show with him that Gene Simmons was on, and he said Gene Simmons treated him more horribly than any human being he'd ever met in his life. And Bert said that it was just like demoralizing because he was a huge Kiss fan. Yeah. He was a huge Kiss fan who was just literally... And if you know Bert, look, I've known

Burt since... I met him back then, but I've been friends with him for a couple years now. He's just a fun, wild dude. And if you misread him, you might go, oh, look at this annoying guy, man. I'm trying to relax before my performance, man.

And so he apparently was super rude to Bert, which just we can't have. Well, I mean, that's not a surprise. Isn't he kind of known for being that? Yeah, he is. He's known, but I met him and he was really nice. You know, so it makes me...

Yeah, but you know what that is? That's a guy who treats different people different ways. Different status people get a different treatment, which is worse than just being a douche all the time. I wish I could have a personal experience to share Other than the positive one But meeting him was awesome He came to my comedy show

Him and his wife and his kid His kid had got my shiny happy jihad CD From iTunes And he really liked it Is this thing fucking up again Brian? It's just kind of wonky We'll switch it back Anyway he was really cool fucking up again, Brian? It's just kind of wonky. Just can't keep up with it? It's just kind of wonky. We'll switch it back.

We'll switch it back. Anyway, he was really cool. His whole family was cool. They came through New Year's at the improv. It was fun. But when you hear a story like that where someone's super rude to a guy like Burt, you're like, oh man, that's so hard to hear.

Yeah. Because every now and then you hear a story, yeah man, I met patrick swayze once she was a fucking douchebag and you're like was he really or are you really annoying which one is it because it might be that you might be really annoying and somewhere along the line you might have decided that he upset your feelings and how many i mean have you ever had like those weird like people who feel slighted those those artificially slighted people? Yeah, well, they're looking for it because we're storytellers and we all want to go back to our town or back to our friends and go, hey, I met Joe Rogan.

And they're going to go, really? What was he like? And the truth is he said hi to you. You shook his hand, maybe said three words, and then somebody else did. Now, they got to fucking pull from that a story for their friend. So if there's a hint of you being dismissive, they're going to blow it out because then they've got a connection to you. Or he was the greatest fucking guy in the world,

which I never want to fall into that camp either. I mean, I go hang out after shows, take pictures. I want to be the guy that I'll take a picture with you, but you know what? Don't put your arm around me while your girlfriend figures out how to snap a photo on your phone for the first fucking time. Are you scared of hugging people, Gregory?

Just give that fellow a big hug like this. I don't mind the hug. You know what I don't like is the armpit on my shoulder. Oh, that gets nasty. The tall guy with the armpit on my shoulder. When you feel the sweat, you kind of just deal, man.

That's what it is. The guy's, he's funking on you. And I bet your girl can smell it. I bet it's some sort of a primal thing, too. Especially if homeboy doesn't know any deodorant. Like, if you come home and you're around your wife, she probably feels like you got conquered. That's right. What is this? A man on you. There's a man on your

shoulder. That's right. Or she doesn't notice. She just wants to fuck you, but she doesn't know why. How weird are primal smells that, like, I mean, isn't that, doesn't that, She just wants to fuck you, but she doesn't know why. How weird are primal smells? I mean, isn't that what puts women on the coinciding menstrual cycle? Isn't it a pheromonal thing? Is that right? I believe it is.

I want to say it is. I might be wrong. But, I mean, how primal are we? Women get around each other. Their menstrual cycles all coincide. So if they all get banged, they all raise their kids together. So the kids have friends. Yeah. That's my theory. Isn't there a thing

about how your sperm count raises... Looking at houses? The fuck are you doing? What are you doing? I'm looking to see what the comments are while I'm listening. The comments? But your sperm count goes up when you're traveling or

something? Of course. You're ready to conquer a new land. Yeah. Your body knows it's not around. It's not all smell. And your dick gets hard when you go to pick up your spear. Yeah. You're traveling.

You're going to war. I'm going to kill and fuck. I'll be home in three days. How many people are programmed that way? How many people from the life in Roman times were programmed to kill and fuck? Kill and fuck at the same time sometimes. It must be really hard to work that culture out.

Calm that culture down. We're talking about the amount of violence that we see on a regular basis. Pretty fucking minimal. It can be pretty horrific in certain places. But in America, pretty minimal compared to what it would be like if this was the sword fighting days.

On a regular basis, people had to deal with some shit that we couldn't even fucking begin to wrap our heads around with. Yeah, it was really about power. It was what can I take? And they would do it with swords. They would run into a city with swords and chop everything up and take all the people and take their gold and fuck all their women.

I mean, nutty shit happened in the world. Well, it was like in nature. You know, you destroy your destroy your you know if you are competing with somebody for a food source if you're an insect you you will start to kill the other insect or you will find a way to um destroy the food source for them so that they die but it's a weird thing of the when when people get into tribes especially where they become really synchronized like as this tribe this is this is us and we're going to go after them and they you know they never even consider the

idea of taking them into their ranks or just like hey listen we're just going to go plunder would you guys like to come with us yeah you know we could be a big army we could all get together well they'll take them as slaves but they never take them on as equals i mean there was a lot of slave holding back then i mean you conquered and you fucked the women and you took the dudes and said yeah you're my slave now yeah i mean how many people had to live their life like that a lot right that was for for how many years did that kind of shit go on in this world the old testament the whole fucking book talks about slavery like it's not even a sin it's in actually the seventh commandment is, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife,

thy neighbor's house, thy neighbor's donkey, or thy neighbor's manservant. It's a commandment that recognizes slavery. Jesus Christ. Wrap your fucking head around the Bible, baby. Wrap your head around that. It's funny how people choose to believe in parts of it. Yeah, I know.

I know. And the wording of parts of it, as if it wasn't translated from ancient Hebrew to Hebrew to Roman to fucking English. And you're going to tell me about the subtlety of the way he said gay people shouldn't lie together 2,000 years later? My favorite is when people tattoo biblical quotes on their body. It's like you're really not supposed to do that. It says it in the Bible you're not supposed to get a tattoo. Yeah, but I don't think Jesus meant it that much.

I also think it might fall under the first commandment or the second about thou shalt not have graven images. You should not have representations of God. And I think by extension, why are we hiding, why do we have fucking crosses with Jesus hanging off the wall of the church? Isn't that kind of covered by extension

on the second commandment? Do we want to see his fucking bloody corpse? It's a very strange practice to look at that all the time, you know, and the idea that you're being reminded of the deity, the one perfect being that existed thousands of years ago. Yeah.

And since then, his followers have reverted to pedophilia and fucking craziness and fear. Yeah. I know this comic that has a cross on his arm. And I'm not friends with him, but he always wears those elastic band things on his arm just to cover it up so no one knows. Oh, really? That's funny. Why doesn't he get it removed? I don't know.

Yeah, get a cover up. Maybe he still likes it. He's just hiding it from comics. Oh, well, could be that. Some people get ashamed of being religious. A lot of fighters get religious. It's like he gives them something to really lean back on, something to give him strength. And I've always said that I don't have any fucking idea whether there's a God.

I'm not a religious person, but I leave anything up to the idea of possibility. I think anything could be possible. Anything. Well, it depends on your definition of God, but to think that there's not some power that orchestrated the miracle of you know like we regenerating dna all that shit you know to think that there's not something that can tell you that i know how big the moon is going to be at what point the sky and fucking 50 years and be right you know give me a fucking break of course whatever you want to call that i think that i always just default to nature is god and fill in the details later when when i know

more well it could very well be that there is an intelligence to all of nature that we're just not capable of tuning into it could very well be the trees and all sorts of different parts of nature have some sort of intelligence. It doesn't translate into words. It doesn't translate into certain noises that we recognize with certain images and certain meanings. It could be some other form of intelligence. It's super possible that the reason why we exist in this ever-changing world and this world is you know being more and more hostile to people is that it kind of recognizes us as a threat you know the you if you have to think of this system has got to be prepared for everything okay there's a reason why certain you

know animals eat other animals and certain diseases kill certain percentages of the people there's like this crazy corrective system that goes on on earth and we agree with that up until it gets to people we don't ever want to think that earth could ever look at us like we might be some fucking cold that it has and that the more we pull the fucking fish out of the ocean and throw our garbage in it, and the more we pollute the sky and change the temperature of it, and fuck the whole balance of it up, and artificially change the levels of certain things in the environment, we should expect that the Earth is going to respond to this change accordingly.

It's going to try to push back. Respond to this change accordingly. It's gonna try to push back. I mean if if it is intelligent if there's some real method to the whole idea of this whole thing evolving from hot ball of Rock and lava and then somehow or another acquiring water and somehow another cool Appalachian or matters or elements and more life forms yeah you just keep going and going and it's all it's you know

and it goes back to like turn of the 19th century there was a lot of social scientists in England Mills who talked about

population naturally controls itself wars disease that there is an actual healthy number of people to be on the earth and because of science we've been able to just completely fucking hyper bloat that number of people to the point where we've staved off a natural correction we haven't had war in any real war in a long time we haven't had any fucking plague in a long time.

You know, the plague during World War I, 1970, killed one out of three people in Europe. Well, the war and the plague together. And, you know, if we had that now, they'd lose their shit. People can't even imagine a devastation. They don't think it's possible. Whereas, numerically, it's beyond possible. It's way overdue. Well, there was a super volcano warning today somewhere.

God, I want to say it. Oh, I have that app. I want to say it. That's hilarious. I want to say somewhere in the South Pacific. I don't really remember, but there was a warning not to travel to this particular area because there's

been some volcanic activity maybe someone will uh let me know what the fuck it is on twitter wow but we had a couple earthquakes in california last week hundreds right wasn't it hundreds no shit yeah well there's an area in yellowstone where they have thousands of earthquakes a year thousands you sure that's not just yogi bear chasing hey boo boo oh boo boo what is that another guy got killed uh by a bear in alaska and that's where you're going yes my friend into the heart of darkness the guy who got killed by the bear was out there photographing it standing near it way closer than what they tell you to. He was within 50 yards. You should never get within 50 yards.

50 yards? That seems far. Yep. Yeah, you should be far as fuck. You shouldn't be close. Because most likely you'll be fine. But if you get too close to a bear and he decides for whatever reason that he hasn't eaten in a while and he might see if you're edible, if's desperate you can catch a desperate bear especially late in the year like

when it gets close to like december you know some of those bears are still walking around those are the dangerous ones because they're not stuffed yet they're not they're not ready to hibernate that's how that grizzly man guy got got yeah he went wandering around out there after it was like post-season when they were uh the most of the healthy bears were already in hibernation it's like being in faneuil hall at two in the morning when the bars get out exactly if you're not home last chance last chance for romance you didn't get laid and now you're gonna look for a fight that's what would happen at 215 that one little uh what is it a fast food place at a mcdonald's that's on the corner of that it

was by that hotel that we used to stay at when we'd go to Faneuil Hall. Yeah. Remember that place that we worked at, the Comedy Connection? It was a chain. I remember the club. I think it was McDonald's. No, Wendy's. It was a Wendy's.

It was a McDonald's. Ari and Brian. No, it was a Wendy's. Wendy's? Ari and Brian walked there and almost got in a fight. Yeah, like twice. And just waiting in line. Everywhere I go, I was...

You know, I didn't like Boston the first three, two times we went there because we kept on going to that comedy club in that area. It's the... Well, they call it the Combat Zone. It's like one bad block in the whole city. Yeah, it was awful. And then the last time we went, we went somewhere else. We stayed in this really nice hotel, and they were filming a movie,

and there was all these actors in it. But it was like a totally different experience. It was like being in New York almost. Yeah, we were at the Connection in Fanny Hallanny hall it wasn't in the combat zone it wasn't next but the connection was uh yeah the the the wilbur is actually like it's a way cooler set you know it's a beautiful environment and everything like that but that area is not it's not the dangerous area it was when we were doing stand-up like people don't understand the fucking they have like a four seasons there now you know it's it's a gorgeous was when we were doing stand-up like people don't understand the fucking they have

like a four seasons there now you know it's it's a gorgeous area when we were coming up and stand up it was the combat zone you would walk over there there would be hookers it was scary you'd see people smoking crack you would see peep show booths and they slowly squeezed all that shit out that was like our one seedy area i remember I could always park on the street because nobody would park on the street. That's why I had a piece of shit because my window got smashed so many fucking times you were just used to it.

Yeah, that area around Nick's man, your fucking car got broken into all the time. Unless you got a spot on that street. Warrington Street. When you would go around that little side area where the connection was, the old connection, and go down to the end

where Nick's was. Every now and then you'd catch a spot. You'd get super fucking lucky. Yeah. That whole area is a gay bar now. Is it?

A techno gay? Poppers? Poppers! Yeah. How much was the cover? It became like a really hot gay... Let me in for a second.

I'm fucking famous. Let me get in the back door. You went with the back door line, Fitzsimmons. Jesus. But yeah, that area, at one point in time, there was two comedy clubs in the same theater, the same area where The Connection was. There was The Connection connection and then above it

Mike Clark had a place remember that I don't remember Mike Clark's place yeah he had some sort of a comedy club it wasn't for a long time

it was in the same theater that they used to do they had like some long ass running show one of those fucking oh you're talking about above the original comedy connection

oh yeah yeah upstairs they had some kind of a nuns you know one of those nuns fucking shows. Yeah, nuns on the run or some fucking shit. Nonsense or some bullshit. Nonsense, I think that's it.

Yeah, nonsense. Nonsanity. And then down the street, you had Nick's, which had three different rooms. This is 50 yards away. Yeah, 50 yards away. They had an upstairs,

and then they had two downstairs. One smaller room, and then one that was like a disco. You remember the disco room? that didn't really make it? They got rid of the disco after a while. It was like too crazy. But guys would do that, and then across the street, there was the fucking Duck Soup.

At what's now the Wilbur Theater. Duck Soup was the idea of Billy Downs and Paul Barkley had this idea to put a super Upscale comedy club And put it In Boston Right there And charge more money And have only

Clean comedians Yeah And it didn't work It didn't work And then you're forgetting Dick Daugherty had a room If you walked then Across the street

And through a mini mall There was the comedy vault Which had been a bank Yes And they The fucking room The vault was still there Yeah And you would stand In this little fucking room That was a bank yes and they the fucking room was the vault was still there yeah and you would stand in this little fucking room that was a bank and it was a sweet little

room it's great room but i mean so you're talking about within literally within a quarter of a mile you had even three four five six six comedy rooms and they were all good yeah it's ridiculous we're becoming those those annoying old dudes who keep repeating stories about the glory days yeah but what people don't understand is just how that's by the way that's a meme what people don't understand because i always say that when i don't know exactly what i'm gonna say next is that the the scene was just to us now today looking back on it as you know you see what's around today it's it was such a spectacular scene it was just the most amazing scene for like developing as a comedian well you look at like did

you read the book outliers no it's uh this book about how people like bill gates um came about at a certain time they had a certain gift that wasn't necessarily a good thing. Like, I think Gates is mildly Asperger-y. He was born in the Santa Cruz area just as the tech thing was exploding. And he used, I think it was Santa Cruz, whatever the UC College had the first, like, mainframe computer. As a teenager, he was going in there and writing programs. Wow. So he was at the beginning of a wave with the exact personality type. And he carried it through and became something that you can't do again.

And like Howard Stern was an outlier with radio. He became the guy who did all the things you weren't supposed to do on radio. Bad mouth other people. Be dirty. Self-aggrandize. And all of a sudden, this wave of syndication of radio stations came about, and he fucking caught that wave and took and with talent this is talent god-given fucking uh you know a weird recipe for what matches the demands of that time and being in front of the explosion that happens and i believe that we were very much

in the outlier spot of stand-up comedy by being boston at that time it was a very unusual environment for sure. It's sad that it doesn't exist anymore. It's when Fran Solomita put out that documentary, when stand-up stood out. And it's really interesting, but I think he kind of nailed it, is that the scene was fantastic until people started making it. When everybody just wanted to be funny.

You were one of the first ones. No. Oh, yeah, I remember Joe Rogan, because everybody's back there going, but you heard Joe, Joe moved to New York. Dude, he gets to do the prom shows at Dangerfields. That was literally like,

people were like, holy shit. Well, I'm just saying in steps. Oh, that's hilarious. And then Joe Rogan just signed with Jeff Sussman. Then all of a sudden, Joe Rogan just got

a $100,000 deal with Disney. And we knew every detail of your fucking career because nobody had done that before nobody from our class had gone anywhere really except like you know i remember bud friedman came to uh boston and did a showcase to do evening at the improv and we it was like the for months we were fucking obsessed with our set and a couple people got it out of it and uh and that was our closest brush to show business until you all of a sudden got on this fucking track. And it was like, wow, you can do that from this?

So you ruined everything that was real. Well, everybody thought for some reason that the only way you would ever get on TV is if you were clean. And I thought the only way I would ever want to do comedy is if I was funny. So I knew I wasn't good. And because I wasn't good, my dirty comedy wasn't – it was unbearable. Because it's like not as it just – not as it offensive. Not only is it offensive, but it's also bad. It's bad and offensive, which is like way worse.

Yeah, yeah. Well, in the beginning, I think. I think it took a while for me to figure out how to do it right, how to do shit that I actually thought was funny. But I knew I could never do it clean. I just wasn't going to try. I just was like, nope. I'll scratch together some little five-minute sets here and there, but that seems crazy.

Why would I do that? Why would I limit what I'm thinking about? It seems like that's step one to fucking yourself. But I just got lucky that it worked. It didn't have have to work it could have skid off into the fucking woods and i could have become some kind of a that's the thing about that time though there was no roadmap for it and that's what an outlier is it's like you're the you're a pioneer in the sense that you're breaking the rules and yet you're rising up faster than anybody else because things change and there becomes the you know the needs and the demands of the marketplace for whatever it is you do.

They change very quickly. They're dynamic. And it's why we have the variation in species. It's Darwinism. Yeah. And I've also felt like when anything happens to you that's good, then you actually believe that good things can happen. So for me, it's like believing that something good can happen like all i could think of was well you know if i keep working at this more good things can happen like i'm on a roll and i i don't want

to stop this role and so i think um you know when you're a a young guy and you know your life has been like kind of like half sketchy filled with a lot of fucking failures all relationship failures all like all just different failures that you go through and then you're on stage and you're trying to do comedy like just trying to make sense of that aspect of your past when you look back on your your life of being an open micer and that the the wild experience of you know trying to fucking do that for a living, it doesn't even feel like it's you, does it? I mean, doesn't it feel like it's a lie?

It feels like you're accessing memories that were copied a hundred times over and they're real shitty and you're like, I think it was this guy, Larry Rappucci? Yeah, yeah, Larry Rappucci, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and I think i wore shirts that had zippers going down the arms and i think i had a mullet and i think i did a joke about what i do when girls are blowing me and none of it's and and i also look at it like limitless fucking energy and passion i would tape every set rewrite it i would fucking drive me and you we would drive

all over the fucking place it was there was no limit and then i'd get up at the crack of dawn and do fucking banquet waitering and then i would go audition for some cold call bullshit downtown i mean there was not like now where i gotta pace myself pick my battles back then it was no every fucking battle i'm in yeah and somewhere along the line i think as a stand-up comedian, you forget that this was a terrifying time. Those times that you talk about were terrifying, but might have been the most exciting moments of your life. I mean, the first couple of sets that you do that are good, that feeling when you're like, holy fucking shit, I think I'm onto something, and then you become obsessed.

You want to write things down everywhere you go. Because I went to college, and to me it was like I was told what to do and how to think for four years. There were tests on a set of information I was supposed to learn and internalize and believe. Then you go into stand-up, and it's a blank slate. It's what do you think? What do you believe? right you make that work and all of a sudden i felt in a way like that made me grow up in six months more than i did in four years in college because it was all my creation yeah yeah well that's one of the most important

things about you know really finding yourself is putting something down then being able to look at it and go i I got that. I did that. This is an actual thing that I did. Here it is. I put it down. And then you can move on from it so easy. So much more easy.

You get more momentum. Yeah. Did you ever read The War of Art, the Steven Pressfield book? What's it called? The War of Art. No, you told me about that once. Dude, I got a copy for you.

Yeah? Yeah, Brian, reach out to that thing. By the way, I want to, on the air, thank Joe Rogan for one of the best gifts I've gotten in the last fucking 10 years. A beautiful, I'm going to mispronounce the name. Ariel Carmeli. Ariel Carmeli pool cue.

And I am a pool fanatic my whole life, and I haven't had a pool cue in about 15 years. They're under that shelf, Brian. Down there. There's two books down there. See them?

It's the war of art. They're in the corner. Can you reach it or no? No. You yoga doing, bitch? I don't even see them. Alright, I'll find it. I'll give it to you

after the show. Remind me. They're right there. He just can't reach over. He's impossible. I'm impossible. But if there was a cock down there He can't do it

Oh yeah He would already be sucking it Yeah He'd already be No Brian It's okay Don't get it It's no need

No no It's no big deal You see him That was the most passive aggressive thing I've ever heard Yeah I see it It's on the other side right It's alright man

Just leave it there Yeah don't worry about it man Totally cool with it Really happy with it It's no big deal damn i mean it's just right next to you no no no there you go that's the book i bought a bunch of copies just to give it to people like it's got dust all over yep i love it break through the blocks and win your inner creative battles thank you fuck yeah it's a great book all right i love it it's um a great book for uh like creativity and um sort of uh getting past the roadblocks of um procrastination oh fuck yeah

yeah yeah somebody showed me this once before very interesting work it's stuff you kind of read and then meditate on each thing yeah well you know it's an ethic the guy provides an ethic and he's got a new one called turning pro which is just just as good. I just got into that. But he's a very inspirational dude. You know, I love hearing about dudes who work really hard. I don't like hearing about guys who become crazy and become obsessed and become unhealthy like they work too much. But I like hearing about dudes who have, like, a great work ethic.

Like, whenever I hear about Louis C.K. putting out a new hour every year, I always, like, I love hearing that. That's inspirational to me. I feel like I get, like, some energy a new hour every year, I always like, I love hearing that. That's inspirational to me. I feel like I get some energy out of that. Like, ooh, that's ballsy. It's too much for me. It turned out I did mine, then I did another one in a little less than two years. And that's why I was doing a lot of the UFC stuff as well.

I do less UFC stuff now than I did before. So it was why I was doing that. But I still feel like I like to have a bit around for a while. Like I put some stuff. Your bits are fucking thick too. I mean, it's not like you write a freestanding joke

then have to write another. I mean, you find something and you explore it and you extend it. And then by the end, you got a chunk that's 10 minutes. So you string together six of those, you got an hour.

And I know there's more life to shit sometimes, but I put some stuff on a special before, and then right after it's in, you're like, oh, you motherfucker. The punchline of punchline comes out. You know, the tagline that changes the whole bit. You know, Dana Gould just gave me a tagline that took a bit that was already killing

and doubled it. Really? I got this bit about how we waste water in this country, how we just have fun with it. It's like a joke. We have water parks.

We have fountains which just shoot water in the air like, fuck you, look at all this water. And then Dana's tagline was, and then what do we do? We take money we don't need

and we throw it in the fountain. Wow. And on top of always killing, that tagline just like instant applause break so true that's a perfect like description of uh like ridiculous opulence a giant fountain like one of those people you could dip in dip your feet in sit in front talk there's like a kid with a pot in his lap and it's it's like he's pissing you ever see those pissing out of it i saw a house in montecito once, you know, out in Santa Barbara.

Yeah. That was, these people had like, they must have owned a museum or some shit. But they had a fountain that was so big, they converted it into a swimming pool. Damn. It was fucking huge. This huge, gorgeous fountain was a swimming pool. These people had like three fountains. Yeah. This house is ridiculous like yeah that Montecito area of Santa Barbara is

like some of the most gorgeous houses like you've ever seen in your life oh hell yeah perfect weather all year round they're looking over the ocean you're like holy shit anytime I'm in that part of the world you go down below San Francisco they got a thing called a seven mile drive which is where like Pebble Beach Golf Club is and I really do think that there is not a more beautiful place i mean i haven't been to like tuscany i'm sure there's places but i feel like you can actually afford to live in a place along the code the jagged california coast where the weather is fucking perfect all the time it's just peaceful people and i sort of feel like why not do that teach school teach school what are you doing

living in a fucking movie we're gonna learn how to bake bread yeah I lost it there you're faking shit son sorry that's crazy but there are some places

like Carmel like have you ever been to where that was where Clint Eastwood was the mayor no Carmel is right below where I'm talking about oh is it right below that

yeah it's right there it's so fucking beautiful yeah it's amazing it's so beautiful you can hardly believe it that is a cool fucking town it's all like art galleries and like cafes

that are fucking you know international and it's bad I mean but it's one of those things where hope you like white people That's a cool fucking town. It's all like art galleries and cafes that are fucking international. But it's one of those things where, hope you like white people, because that's all we got here, rich white people. Yeah, that's a real white town, right? Old white people. It's all like old Clint Eastwood types. Yeah.

He said some crazy shit at the Republican. He's losing his marbles, for sure, right? Well, it's tough because those John Wayne type guys, they come from an era where men were manly and it was simple and it was black and white. And it's just a different world now and you try to, you can't

shake. Clint Eastwood's not going to not be that guy, but the times dictate a different, more layered approach to things. I think he's missing a substantial amount of what he used to have as a young man as far as his intuition on how to do things correctly. He just doesn't seem, he didn't seem there.

It seemed like a big struggle to me. That whole thing where he's bringing in Jon Voight. Help me, Jon. I can't be up here by myself. There was something weird about it. Just all the crazy talk about him being a conservative and the conservatives, and we just try to play our cards closer to our vest. What are you getting wrapped up with?

Do you really believe this narrative? Do you really believe this? Or are you actually paying attention to what you're supporting by being there pretending to talk to a chair? If you talk to the president like that, he should beat the fuck out of you. He should box your ears. to a chair like if you talk to the president like that he should beat the fuck out of you yeah he should box your ears who the fuck are you to talk to the president like that it's incredibly disrespectful that whole fucking thing was just negating none of it was putting out here's our real here's our plan for the economic recovery specifically all it was was tax cuts and more shit we're going to give you, stuff that adds up to negative.

And yet they're selling it by basically dismantling what already existed. Like everything was a negation. There was no positive energy about it. Yeah, it's a weird thing to watch this all play out, to watch this Mitt Romney guy and to see this whole situation. It's really weird. It's weird. It's weird to watch it play out man this paul ryan dude has already been busted lying on all sorts of shit he said he ran a marathon in less than three hours yeah that's like world class they could they they timed it

and it was four hours over four hours over four hours yeah the new yorker over an hour the new yorker did this piece last month about this guy who was a serial marathon liar. And he had a website about raising money for kids with fucking Down syndrome and support him. This guy is a dentist in a small town in Michigan who everybody loves. And he's got this whole reputation about being this marathon runner who's going to run in all 48 states in the continental U.S. And he's going to do a marathon in each one. He's going to post his results. Well, there started to be

a couple questions about that he hadn't, there was no pictures of him in the middle of certain races. Right. And there is a fearsome marathon contingent that tracks every single marathon.

Oh, yeah. One of the things they have is there's chips and you have to hit, I think, three chips during the race to prevent the Rosie Ruiz thing. Right, from someone jumping in a car and then someone pushes him to the finish line.

So they went back and they looked at the chips. He fucking hit all of his chips in every one, but then there's pictures of him in different outfits. There's races where there's no pictures. There was one race he actually made up. What? He just made up a race? He posted that he wanted to have a San Jose marathon. Nobody responded. So he posted 10 people that finished in a certain time, made up the names, put them on the website, and had him as the winner.

Oh, that's hilarious. So anyway, they unraveled it. And it was just more like the piece was just about how people can get uh what is it called when you lie and you have no um you have no guilt about it um sociopath yeah sociopath like this is a sociopath about marathons everything else in his life was totally fucking straight up good guy except this crazy and so the point being there was a very clear record with paul ryan of how long there's no discrepancy there's no you know he absolutely ran it in four hours and ten minutes. That's still pretty fucking good, really.

They say that's average. I think that's pretty good for a guy that looks like that. It's like an 11-minute mile. When Mazey didn't quit. Quit the marathon? Yeah, when Mazey made it through. Yeah. That's a hard thing to do.

I'm amazed when anybody runs 26 miles. But why lie about the time when four hours sounds still pretty fucking good? He's trying to pretend like he's a super athlete. Well, that's the problem, is that if he lies about that, to me, it's a character thing. Period.

If he's lying about that, what else is he going to lie about? His numbers for the economy are a fucking joke. They've been debunked by bipartisan committees in Congress because he introduced this whole new economic recovery plan, and it was looked at, and they said, this is horseshit. This does not add up. But he had every Republican lined up because he was the new hot shit in Congress

when he came in as a junior senator. What is his strategy or his philosophy that he's going to do that's different? What was his idea? Well, it's real. And Rand is his guy. So it's pure free market. There's no regulations. And it's letting capitalism basically dictate everything.

And it's about getting rid of the safety net entirely. He wants to take apart Medicare. He wants the entire new health care program. Capitalism basically dictate everything, and it's about getting rid of the safety net entirely. He wants to take apart Medicare. He wants the entire new health care program taken away. He wants to privatize Social Security, which, again, has been shown in study after study after study is a worst-case scenario. You're taking a fund of money that people have paid into with a very nominal broker with a service fee built into a 0.04% or whatever, and you're saying, okay, everyone grab theirs, give it to a broker who's going to take 5%. You're bloating this one industry because they've lobbied you.

That's all this is about. Banks want to be able to get their hands on this money and crank up commissions in making the investments for you. That's all this boils down to. I ran into a dude at one of my shows who was an Iraq war veteran, and he went in. He actually volunteered for the Army, and then right after he volunteered, I don't remember which branch. I said the Army.

I might be wrong. But right after, I think it was actually the Air Force, right after he volunteered, 9-11 happened. So right afterwards, he's going to war and uh he said that one of the first things that the united states government did was they printed iraqi money just fucking crazy amounts of it and just flooded the market with fake money and that's how you crush an economy isn't that amazing like if they wanted to crush our economy, they would just put millions and millions of dollars in the streets.

Yeah. And people would go crazy and run out and buy Ferraris. Ferraris would be worth nothing. Yeah. Do you think that happened here? Do you think that's- Could it happen here? Yes.

Look, the economy's not based on anything. That's what the idea of a gold standard, that's where it's supposed to make some sense. And the idea though that you're going to be able to make something like a dollar bill that can't be reproduced by somebody with nefarious means yeah of course they're going to be able to figure that out man as technology gets better they're not going to be able to hold off that whole print and press thing people are going to figure out how to make money to this day the uh i forget what the iranian iraqi currency is but the dinar i think yes exactly it is the lowest rated currency on the planet it's like a hundred thousand per one dollar what do you do then you have to start from scratch you have to start the whole civilization from scratch you got to go

to the gold standard i mean it's you got to find something to tether it to yeah and then by then the military's in the streets and you're fucked. Just scramble. Yeah. You know what's amazing? You're talking about Mesopotamia. You're talking about the most fertile, the origins of all civilization, and it's a fuck zone. It's amazing. Well, I think they're the townies of the world.

I think that's what it is. They've just been around too long? Yeah. That's where civilization was invented. So that area is all the same assholes who developed their civilization 6,000 years ago. They just stayed. Everybody else is like, these people are fucking crazy. They're throwing rocks at people for dancing.

Let's get out of here. So every other civilization branched off from that one part. But they stayed. Yeah, they got two stories. I got a double decker. I'm fucking renting out the upstairs to my parents. When you go back to Ohio, do you relate to townies? Or do you think that Ohio is a better place to live?

Do you go back and forth? It's just boring. But, I mean, if I could have a humongous house, you know. People live great there. Everyone has, my sister has two kids humongous house, you know, people live great there. Everyone has, my sister has two kids, works as a hairstylist, but she has a huge house and a huge yard. So it just seems easier and more comfortable. It's not as stressful. It's not.

It's weird how much variation there is in areas where you could buy a house. Variation. The money, like, you know what I'm saying? Oh, what you can get. Yeah. And, you know, another thing was, is is like when you walk to your car at night and when you do certain things you automatically feel safe out there like you could just sit there and just have money in your both of your hands and walk to your car after going to a movie and no one would give a shit do you remember that dude from that video that you made the The dude who went to one of your best videos, by the way.

The drunk heckler in Columbus? Yeah, yeah. Remember that one? Yeah. Dude, first of all, that was an awesome video you made. Because the way you edited it was so funny. It was just, the dude was so ridiculous. But we missed the best part of the story.

Because this guy who had his shirt off in my comedy show, screaming, yelling. Oh, shit. Yeah, I came on stage and I hugged him. It was like the most ridiculous shit of all time. He was just like so hammered. He was so crazy. We ran into him at the end of the night,

face covered in blood, shirtless. Just somebody beat the fuck out of this guy. And I looked at him and I looked at him and I'm like, sorry, dude. We didn't fucking film it. No one had anything on us. We were like, shit. Yeah, I saw this dude. Yeah. We didn't fucking film it. No one had anything on, so we were like, shit. Yeah, I saw this dude. I was in San Jose.

You ever do that fucking club in San Jose? The Improv? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Fucking amazing. I was supposed to do it sometime soon, but the show got moved. I was going to do the Friday night before UFC. That place is like a 500 year old

ancient theater 1903 Charlie Chaplin performed there and the acoustics you don't even need a microphone 500 years old I'm just making shit up there weren't people in California 500 years ago stupid I know what were the Aztecs doing a stand up show isn't that weird that just 500 years ago there was no people

and you go to Europe and you talk about Iraq that's a history yeah that San Jose improv is one of the most beautiful just 500 years ago there was no people and you go to Europe and you like talk about Iraq it's like that's a history yeah that San Jose improv is one of the most beautiful interiors like the inside and the feel of it

like it feels like a like a seasoned performance room yeah it's like a well-worn room and the guy that runs the gym

is fucking treating me great anyway professional bowler yes bad motherfucker yeah he was a Vietnam vet too. Good dude too.

Yeah, yeah. He goes bowling and just fucks people up apparently. Apparently he's like legit world class bowler and he'll go to Vegas and people gamble in Vegas. You know, they get crazy.

They're out there on vacation. Let's go bowl a few frames. They start talking shit and you know, he comes over and he knows how to hustle them too. He knows how to play their ego and he starts getting involved in a big gamble with some knuckleheads and he's come

back with like sick money from gambling in vegas yeah and he's such a fucking cool guy just unabashedly the real deal cool just a cool guy yeah he's uh and you know he got fucked man he went to vietnam three and a half years came came back, did his 21 years in the Navy. And now he's like, yeah, I get 120 bucks a month in fucking benefit. He goes, they cut all the benefits that you're promised, including like going to the VA hospital to get your glasses, dental, all that shit's gone. How can they do that? That's my, what the fuck? You go to war, you put your life on the line for the country

you are fucking taken care of period that that is the biggest travesty happening right now we had to do uh some ufc fights we did it for uh this um institute for traumatic brain injury i believe it's called and it was uh they're they're building some huge things so they had to raise money for it so the ufc fights raised a lot of money for it but one of the things i was thinking of is how crazy is it that there's these billion dollar deals that these people like halliburton or these companies rather like halliburton get billion dollar deals and in it somehow or another is not the money for these rehabilitation centers like that's insane the fact that they can profit off the war yeah and not be giving anything back in the form of some, at least, you know,

do what a charity's doing. At least do that. I mean, you're profiting from it. The charity's just stepping in. That's exactly why it's privatized, because the U.S. government allows itself to be buffered from, number one,

if there's a rape overseas, it does not get processed in u.s courts yeah they've got they've got all illegal people working the jobs they tell these girls in the philippines halliburton does through another agency that they get they're going to get a job doing hairstyling and they're going to make 40 grand a year they take them off and they're working at fucking burger king in the mid in the mid-east sleeping in fucking tankers and paying off the money they had to pay to get over there for like five or six years before they make a dollar yeah that's slavery

yeah it's fucking slavery slavery where they just they have it written down somewhere so it's like okay to do yep somehow or another it's because it's not the u.s government because the u.s government is subcontracting to halliburton so that any kind of lawsuits that come in, they don't touch the U.S. government. And so they're not paying out to the soldiers because they have no real relationship to them. They figured out a way to do slavery without chains. Just make it so they can't leave. You might lose one or two every now and then, but you can get them back. You can get different ones.

And it's a terrifying sort of a situation, but that's like a lot of what's going on, apparently, in parts of the Middle East, in like Dubai. I've heard that that had gone on in some construction sites. I think, didn't Vice do a special on that, Brian? I don't know.

Yeah, Dubai brings in people from, I don't know, I can't remember what country it is, but they bring them in on these they're not even they're like work visas that are like a week long and the second you're done with your work you're gone it's just you don't earn your way in and so it's something like you know three quarters of the workforce is not from that country and they just have these sprawling fucking camps that people live in and then they kick them out as soon as they're instantly no no coverage and accidents whatsoever um it's barbaric it's fucked up too because again we're talking about the townies of the world so they really still

are rocking it the same way they did a thousand years ago or several thousand years ago they really are rocking it like that yeah they're just rocking it like that behind the rules i mean they really do still still have kings and uh there was some piece on on um that dude um who uh we had brian on the podcast the other day david seaman he had something that's his real name powerful dude he's a great guy that is his real name um and there there was something that he had on his Twitter page. It showed how CNN had some stories about the Arab Spring uprising in Bahrain. And they decided not to air it. And apparently Bahrain is fucked up, man. People started to make YouTube videos of it and put them online because there's not enough interest.

Everyone's aware of Saudi Arabia. Everyone's aware of what's happened in Egypt. make YouTube videos of it and put them online because there's not enough interest in, you know, there's so many, everyone's aware of Saudi Arabia. Everyone's aware of, you know, what's happened in Egypt. Everyone's aware of Libya, but a lot of people are not aware of Bahrain. So they're still trying to keep this one locked down and while everything else is going on,

but there's some horrific fucking footage, man. It's just government controlled media, man. They're gunning people down. They're trying to stop a civil uprising. No shit. It's horrific stuff, man. They're gunning people down. They're trying to stop a civil uprising. No shit. It's horrific stuff, man.

Yeah. Horrific stuff. And there's really graphic videos available online. And our interest in the Arab Spring ended about a year ago. People don't even know what's going on. Syria's worse than any of it, and people aren't even fucking tracking that. The whole... Because it's like, we already had Egypt.

We already had Libya. We've got our fill. What people don't understand is the apocalypse is here. It just hasn't reached California. But the apocalypse, if you're in Bahrain, that's the apocalypse. If friends are getting their heads blown off right next to you by sniper rifles, that's the apocalypse. I mean, this is a civil war. People are dying in the street.

The government is gunning down civilians. I mean, it's craziness. But what about the places that, like Egypt, that now has democratically elected? Do they really? Isn't it the Muslim Brotherhood? Yeah, they were voted in, though. They were voted in?

Yeah. And you know what? They're not as bad as people think. As they say. They sound, rather. They sound scary. You know what, though? It's one of those things where they're going to sneak it in.

They get in office. Everything's cool. Everybody gets a turkey at Thanksgiving. Two years later, the women are all in fucking potato sacks. I wonder how much longer that's going to work with the Internet, with the distribution of information that we have right now. It gets harder and harder to convince kids of nonsense. It's harder and harder.

It's just not the same sort of animal that was around when we grew up. When we grew up, even if you didn't believe in God, if it made no sense, you hedged your bet. You went along with everything and you believe it is real. I did all that shit I was supposed to do. Even if you don't have a whole ton of faith in it, you don't have the kind of access to it, or we didn't

rather have the kind of access to information the kids have today. Because if they have a question about anything, like why is the sky blue? They Google, why is the sky blue? I mean, kids just are growing up doing that now. So if they ever have a question, you can't just bullshit them. It's not as easy. You're assuming the internet stays as free as it is now. I mean, kids just are growing up doing that now. So if they ever have a question, you can't just bullshit them. Yeah, but you're assuming the internet stays as free as it is now. I mean, just by saying Google, you know, so many people get their information from two portals. You've got Wikipedia and Google.

And if those are, you know, Google is part of a multinational corporation. And eventually, they're going to rein it in because of corporate sponsors or because the same pressure cnn gets to not put out stuff about berain any big company is is ultimately going to be affected by the people that are running it did you hear that some of those leet hacker dudes hacked into a uh an fbi laptop and found the names of a hundred of no 14 million Apple iOS users They found Information on them And same with Playstation 3 They cracked into that database

And got all those names It's fucking crazy And Xbox I think Xbox challenged them It was either Playstation 3 or Xbox That challenged the hackers And it was over They can get through anything It was either PlayStation 3 or Xbox that challenged the hackers, basically. Oh, you can't do that. And it was over. You can't do that.

It was a fucking tickle clock. They can get through anything. Yeah. But what was scary about it was that this whole hacker thing really wasn't really recognized. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, when you see that guy, Kevin Mitnick, you know who that guy is? Hacker. Do you know who that guy is? Hacker.

Do you know who that guy is? I think so. He was a really famous hacker. Yeah. He was a guy who at one point in time- They offered him a job eventually at one of the big companies. He would do what's called phone freaking, where you figure out how to make calls through a box that would send a tone down the line. This was the step one

it's like the hacking the system is like back when dial tone phones came online when dial see before dial tones we all remember when you were really little kid you had to spin that dial which is really like alien to people today but when you dial the number you go because it was analog it was ridiculous and then they came out with a dial tone situation but what someone realized somewhere along the line is that there's a computer or something interfacing on the other end that's responding to the tones and those tones represent a number so let's find out what those tones represent and then we could fucking do whatever we want and have access to free unlimited long distance calling because

remember back then you couldn't get long distance long distance was hard yeah like if you dated a girl and she lived in the 508 you'd be like oh jesus that's right she lives way the fuck over there it's long distance yeah and any any sort of uh state crossing state lines long distance that was a long distance call your fucking parents would scream at you that's right long distance it could be 10 miles away remember you used to have a separate long distance company to it like i had at&t but i had sprint as my long distance that's right sprint can save you money do you remember when um they used to have it for cell phones where the long distance for cell phones was like super expensive crazy do you remember that was crazy so you'd use a calling card which meant you had to punch in about 16 numbers before you put in the number you were calling yes exactly yeah i

remember that but this uh this kevin mitnick guy he started out doing that and then eventually went to being some sort of a a full-blown hacker but to go from that to be able to experience what's going on right now must be like really incredible to witness well there's a group uh that he is actually opposed to there's a group that identifies itself as the the somethings and they are an international web of hackers that get off on doing it and they've done everything talking about lulz sec is that what it's called that's one of them there's a bunch i don't think it's anonymous oh really yeah he came out against anonymous because he for him cracking the codes was about the science it was about the art of doing it right and these guys are much more into sabotage they have a political

agenda you know they they out corporations and they blackmail them and so um you know the bottom line is you're never going to get the talent on the payrolls that is going to be out there because they're independent-minded people. They're anti-establishment people. They don't want to be on a payroll because they don't want to be told what to do. They offered this guy a job, and he went to Microsoft or one of those big companies for like six months. They basically wanted him off the streets. They wanted him in-house, and he just got bored, and he fucking left. wanted him in house and he just got bored and he fucking left well that was the the big issue was that why did the fbi have these 14 million ios users information why they have that on their

laptop like that's like what how much what what to what extent is spying already going on on almost every american civilian because it's probably gotten pretty fucking crazy now do you feel like when you're making a text message that you're sending it to the government as well yeah they saw my dick they've seen me talk about fucking farts they i mean like what i'm not worried about anything i understand that you're not worried about it but do you understand that giving people that kind of access to information is not it's not cool who they? Why should we agree that they should be the ones who are allowed to look at all this stuff and be fair at this data?

I think that's ridiculous. It's ridiculous to allow someone to be in that sort of voyeuristic position and not utilize it. I mean, look at Anonymous or look at any of these hacking groups. Those files, when people hacked PlayStation and stuff like that, if you were in the right circles, you'd be able to have that file.

You can download those. What are you trying to say? If you wanted information, if you wanted all this information, you yourself could get it right now if you went online. If you wanted all these people's ps3 names and numbers or oh ios6 uh informations you know the fbi got it online also you know there's torrent websites that you can download all this information off there's torrent websites where you can download stolen information absolutely really absolutely so what are these

websites like this person's person, this FBI guy, his job could have been going to torrent websites and downloading shit. He might have also had Beauty and the Beast in 3D on his laptop. Who knows? Who cares? If they're going to single you out,

they're going to single you out. Dude, I completely appreciate your not wanting to get upset at the experience. Like, who gives a fuck? I'm not doing anything wrong. But the real problem is you give people too much power, and they fucking abuse it. Yeah, like down the road. And that's why there's all these psychological fail-safes that are set up into our system.

You're not supposed to have too much power. It's supposed to be like a whole checks and balances system. Make sure that people don't get out of hand because they do naturally and if someone all of a sudden can check your phone someone all of a sudden can read all your emails they're going to yeah and the bottom line is right now that seems safe because there's no imminent threat but you see a guy like rick perry become president and load up the fucking fbi and cia with his people they're gonna go we want the christian values protected in this country and they're gonna start going after the guys that put their dicks online,

and you're going to be fucking, you know, I'm not going to be rounded up, but they're going to take away. And that's when Anonymous is way more intelligent than the government. You know, their hackers are way better than shit. Well, take over. Do you think that that will eventually happen? It's a fascinating idea, the idea that the civilization will be taken over through the Internet, and that the Internet is, because everything is going to be run through the internet,

they would figure out some way of having a constantly changing code that you can never crack. And they use it to just manipulate wealth. And then as long as you keep your shit together, they keep everything running smooth. Yeah, but look what we did to, you know, look what Israel did to Iran's internet. You know, they fucking blew it up. They were able to crack every... We're talking about the most intense firewalls that could be put up by a pretty wealthy country, Iran,

and they got in there and they fucking destroyed everything. And I think you're right. There's got to be a fail-safe in place for every country and an overall scheme. I mean, there's no way somebody's not safe in place for every country and an overall scheme i mean there's no way somebody's not had the foresight to put that stuff in yeah it's kind of it's it's kind of amazing when you stop and think about the ultimate goal of all this stuff is to connect us all in some really fucking strange way you know the ultimate goal of all this technology is that there's not going to be any privacy in a decade.

It won't exist. It'd be something that we look back on when we were kids. You're going to be able to go, I want to rent this six-foot, like, room or whatever two years ago at 315. Here's the date. You're going to be able to take the date, the time, and go, I want to see video and hear sound of what happened in that room yeah you know i bet you will be i bet eventually you will be well you know the idea that has been proposed is that if you get a computer that's strong enough and wrap your head around this because this is really hard to fucking absorb that if you get a computer that's strong enough to record everything that has happened in this world,

like every person that exists in this world, every business that's been created, and put all of this into a data bank and extrapolate over a period of no more than X amount of days or hours that if this computer, with given enough data, knowing the characteristics of all these people, which eventually there'll be no limitations when it comes to processing power and no limitations when it comes to storage space,

you literally will be able to store everything that ever happens. And that this computer with just a few weeks of data might be able to go backwards mathematically and tell you the absolute accurate origins of life on earth. That it might literally, by studying things not just on a physical level, but like on a subatomic level, there might be enough information that they could figure out pretty accurately what happened, like how a human being even came from the primordial slime, how it got to be a human.

It might be able to show you the birth of culture, and it might be able to show you with a supercomputer what's caused all of this, how this caused that and that caused this. It might be something that you could figure out mathematically. Well, what's amazing is how slow evolution is. I mean, people think that physical evolution takes so long. You can't even wrap your head around the amount of time that it would take for hair to not grow on your nose. Yeah. You know, I mean, you're talking fucking millions of years of time for

shit to really happen. So it's... You know what's crazy? Not always, man. One of the things that they're finding out is that in some instances, it takes place much quicker than they expected, like in the Congo. The Congo is a rare spot because it used to be grasslands but then it became a rainforest pretty quickly and a lot of animals got trapped that are grasslands animals like antelopes and stuff they got trapped in the congo and some of them learn how to fucking swim there's a animal that's an antelope i think it's called a duiker. And it swims and eats fish. It can go underwater 100 yards. I mean, it's fucking crazy. This is an antelope, man.

I mean, it's adapted and evolved. And if you look at all the animals that exist, there's a BBC Congo documentary that I brought up before. If you can find it online, get it. It's fucking sensational. It just shows you all the freaky shit that's in the Congo.

The birds and the lizards and the fucking the fish that come out of the water and walk to the next pond and jump in i mean that's fucking nuts man that's it's it's a really really weird spot in this world what's this right now it's just called congo it's a bbc documentary on the congo but these fucking things have this has only happened over like a couple thousand years and so they wonder like when did this antelope start swimming and eating fish like before it was out a little like almost like a little tiny deer yeah running around but now it's eating fish like what the fuck man like how you wonder about shit like you know they got that nuclear power plant down the coast here and they they talk about the changes in the fish around

there because there's a certain amount of heat that emanates from the uh power plant into the ocean and they say that there's been a change in uh the looks of some of the fish oh jesus christ have a nice dinner is i wonder what what happens if you eat i mean if i think it'll be really bad for the fish to get all that radioactivity but how bad is it it for you to eat a radioactive halibut? Well, that's why they say don't eat old fish. Don't eat fucking tuna. Don't eat the old stuff? Eat fish that lives and dies very quickly. Why is that?

Because the longer they're around, the more they're taking in... Toxins. What is it? Specifically, what's the metal that you... Arsenic's one of them. No. Mercury?

Mercury. Yeah. The longer they live, the more mercury goes in their system. I tested for high levels of arsenic from eating too many sardines. No shit. Yeah. I used to like to eat sardines.

I used to eat them a can a day, sometimes two. Disgusting. How was your breath? You say disgusting, but I enjoyed it. Probably smelled it. Why are you trying to make me feel bad? Can't you just enjoy the fact? Rosie O'Donnell's breath.

Wah, wah, wah. Come on. She's gay. You get it? I did Rosie O'Donnell's TV show. She had a TV show on Oprah's network for a while. How was it? She's very nice.

Yeah? Yeah, she's nice. She gave me a big hug and everything. She's into conspiracy theories. She just had a heart attack. Is she? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Huge.

Yeah, she likes to talk 9-11. She likes to talk. She's got some points. She's got some valid points. Hey, she's always been honest. I respect that. She didn't send up any uh wacko raider on uh my side you know i'm all i'm one of those guys that uh i'll listen to anybody anybody telling any crazy conspiracy theory i'll listen you know for the most part but i know when people are just like really reaching and she

wasn't yeah she's but she's you know she was on that show with like elizabeth hampelbach who's like they're really hot chick who's like super Republican. They would go to war about Tower 7 and 9-11 conspiracies. Yeah, and she also said some shit. Didn't she defend, what's his name? Mel Gibson. Mel Gibson, really?

I think she said, I forget, not a full-on defense, but sort of like way more than he should have gotten. But here's the thing about, I think being somebody who is an alternate lifestyle person is that you have to depart from the status quo to be who you really are. And I think with that, you get some clarity and some truth in your life that you can apply to other things, conspiracy theories or whatever, because she's different. So I think once you're labeled different, it frees you in a way. That's interesting.

Yeah, well, she doesn't have to conform, and she's a big lesbian. Everybody knows she's a lesbian. She's powerful. She's got a lot of money. Chicks like her. She gets hot chicks. She does.

It's a tricky situation. Yeah. Hey, Brian, did we freeze up? Mm-mm. It shows I'm frozen up. Oh, okay, just came back when I asked you. Your video? That's voodoo. Hey, Brian, did we freeze up? It shows I'm frozen up. Oh, it just came back when I asked you. Your video? That's voodoo.

A lot of people watched the video? I don't know. Not as many. It's probably we would do way better if we didn't even have it. It's true. I just released a podcast that was audio only, Olive Garden Podcast. Yeah, it's called, ready, Olive Garden Butthole. It's called Olive Garden Butthole

That's the name of the podcast? Yeah And we actually Record it live At the Olive Garden It's pretty stupid They let you do it? We had a show the other day

And these people Brought Brian breadsticks From the Olive Garden In an Olive Garden bag It's become The most ridiculous Repetitive joke It's so silly

But by the way How awesome was that Fucking show? Oh amazing dude Both Friday and Saturday night With Doug Stan Hope repetitive joke. It's so silly. By the way, how awesome was that fucking show? Oh, amazing, dude. Both Friday and Saturday night with Doug, Stan Hope, and Joey Diaz, and Ari. So much fun.

We were supposed to do shows in Vegas, and I was supposed to have a UFC in Vegas, but the fight got canceled, so we moved it to the Ice House. Do you go up there much besides when you do my shows there? Do you ever do weekends there? I've never done it in my life.

You've got to. I love to do it. It's one of the best clubs ever. It's so perfect. It's just such an old, seasoned place. Short, fucking, like, really low ceiling. Like, really tight, tight seating. That's wide, but not deep.

It's perfect. It's perfect. I did some sort of a show. I think George Lopez hosted it in 1994. That was the first time I ever went to the Ice House. Oh, wait. It was in... 94, so what were you, six?

Was it a TV show? They had a TV show for a while. Damn. He was 20, and I was on stage at the Ice House doing some TV show. Yeah, I did the show. I think George Lopez. Didn't he? Sounds right.

Wasn't he the host of it? Very Latino club, club too isn't it Not anymore No we whitey'd up We whitey'd the shit out of it Yeah Still a lot of Latinos Yeah that area's got a lot of Latinos

San Jose's like that But we brought in a lot of white boys Yeah A lot of white kids Just the right amount of Asians They said that there's a totally different Vibe to the club now Since we've been doing a lot of shows there

Which is great. The waiters and the people that work there are always complimenting the audiences. They sound nice. Yeah, we bring in a nice group of people. We're super lucky. And don't think that we don't appreciate the fuck out of that because I know people that are scared of their audiences and they don't want to hang out with their audience.

They run from them. It's nice that after the shows, we're always there talking. We've had many nights where we stay until 1.30 in the morning. I remember the last one, you stood out there and it was really nice and orderly. People lined up, came in, took a picture, said hello.

But a lot of it is cool conversations too. The guy, I told you, the Iraq guy who told me about going over there and flooding the economy with money. He told me the whole really interesting thing because he was just a young kid who just fucking fucked up and joined. And there he is under this crazy false pretext. But he was talking about how he was there. And he was talking to someone who is like a sergeant.

Some guy had been there for a while. And saying, well, we're over here to fight for freedom and all freedom and all stuff and the guy goes what the fuck are you talking about he goes we're here to get oil yeah and he was like what he goes yeah we're here for the oil we've got to control the oil that's why we're here they built a pipe from kosovo they're already prepared for this yeah and he was like what and he remembers you know talking about like he was talking about how he remembers that that was just like a shattering moment in his life but he was talking about how he remembers that was just like a shattering moment in his life. He was like, holy shit, this isn't a movie. This is crazy.

He volunteered for some nutty-ass fucking war. Well, every fucking war, man. Every war that we've ever fought, there's been another reason. Yeah, but that one, especially the people that joined after 9-11, there's a lot of people that joined that really thought they were going to do a difference they really thought they were going to go straight fucking war hero style and reclaim america yeah but don't you think that's true every every war we've gotten into pretty much except vietnam i think the reason why they had to draft people in vietnam was because vietnam was like super

unpopular war that we probably never could get off today. With the internet, you wouldn't be able to pull off that sort of Gulf of Tonkin incident. They would have to actually have a real event. But they've done that before, man. Hitler did that. Nero did that. Oh, yeah, the whole sinking of the Lusitania, they say. That happened 22 months before we declared war.

That was just an excuse we used because we were an emerging nation. We wanted to be one of the big boys. Yeah. And there was this war going on, and we said, fuck, if Germany wins, we've been supplying, we were making a ton of money supplying the Allied forces. And if they lost, we were never going to get, they owed us fucking billions in debt. If they lost, we weren't getting that money we went in there to hedge our bets

and make sure that it went the right way so we pretended the Lusitania was the reason we were going in a bunch of Americans were on a ferry ship let's get in there and they played on the heart strings well before drones and missiles and high speed aircrafts

and all the shit that we have today you had to use strategy to win a war and strategy much like in chess involves sacrifice okay and there's no way to win a war if you're not willing to sacrifice some of your troops and unless you understand that you're going to be a shitty general and you're going to make even more people die okay so the realities of war dictate that you do something unbelievably horrific and make sure that a certain amount of your people die. Apocalypse Now, the final words said by Marlon Brando.

He says, do you think we're going to win this war? And he goes, we came in and we vaccinated a bunch of kids who'd been infected. Their arms or their legs had been infected with gangrene or whatever, and we inoculated them. And the tribal elders came back, and when they found out we'd done it, they macheted off the limbs of all the children. And that's when Marlon Brando went,

the horror. He's like, that's how you win a war. When you're willing to do that, you win the war. Yeah, you've got to be willing to take shit to the very, very highest human level. And that includes doing horrific things to your enemy. I mean, if you ever read the accounts of what the American soldiers did to American Indians, to the Native Americans when they were trying to clear out land,

they did some horrendous thing. They would wear women's vaginas on their hats. Whoa. They would cut them out. Yeah, these are American soldiers. Yeah, there's a lot of accounts of that kind of shit. What, as like hair pieces? Just put it on their hat, you know?

Like they have a fucking cowboy hat on, just stick a woman's pussy to their hat that they cut off of an Indian that they butchered. I would wear like a fake mustache. Native American, I should say. You'd wear what? Like a fake mustache or something. Well, I got into this weird sort of Native American fascination thing for a while. And I was reading a lot of shit about how just the different ways that the people that migrated here started just killing them.

And how these people had no idea what the fuck was coming. I mean, it's really an incredible amount of people were wiped out over a short period of time. And it doesn't get nearly the amount of attention and respect in our culture as it deserves. It's genocide. Yeah, slavery gets a lot more because it was just before. We kind of stopped that sort of at the same time. But it's really a horrific thing when you really stop and look at the actual numbers

of people that died. Well, people look at the Germans and they've still got the stigma of the Nazis. We're gonna end in 10 minutes. We'll stay with the Germans forever. But what you don't look at is what Great Britain did around the world, whether you're talking about Africa, Asia, India.

The amount of people that died in the name of manifest destiny or Christianity, you know, the British are truly, per capita, have committed more atrocities than any race in history, and yet wasps in this country, it doesn't get any

better. They are the most heralded. There's no racist jokes about the British. True, except their teeth, you know. That's no racist jokes about the British. It's true, except their teeth. That's it. That's not bad. Not bad at all. They have big vaginas too. They have big vaginas? Because they have bigger heads, so their babies have bigger heads.

I didn't hear that part. But yeah, it's... What's really incredible is that we're the byproduct of all that craziness. All the raping and pillaging and sword fighting and shit. It's all come to Native Americans being killed and people trekking across. And then, boom, here we are.

I mean, we're at the very end of the time. We're at the west coast of California, the United States, the last spot that people settled in the free world. This is the new world's final chapter. I mean, if you really stop and think about it, there's no, unless Antarctica defrosts and we start moving cities up there. What if that becomes like the new cool place, like the perfect weather in LA? That's what happened to Greenland.

You know, all of a sudden Greenland became, no, Iceland became the place because it warmed the fuck up and there's hot chicks and everybody went. It became like the fastest growing economy in the world for a while. Yeah, we have to accept the fact that this whole planet spins in a weird way

and it goes through cycles where shit gets really fucking cold. And when that happens in your spot, you gotta move. We can't be completely dedicated to one spot. That's ridiculous. Because you look at the history of the world, they find these Megalodon teeth in Montana.

These giant shark teeth from this fucking 80 foot long monster shark that used to live. They find them in Montana. Yeah. That means Montana was the ocean. Yeah. Like you can't just say, I don't care about the ocean. I'm staying here.

You can't. It goes away. It's going to get you. You got it. You can't. It goes away. It's going to get you. You got it. You can't. If you're living in Malibu, you're living in a fucking dream. That's right. Those people that live on the water, good luck.

Good luck. Good call. You're at the edge. Are you that confident that the edge is going to stay there? Do you put your finger right near a fan every day? That's how I feel like just living in L.A., though. Oh, yeah, you're right. Yeah.

In a certain extent. But I think that if the real thing happens like that like something that the water comes this far in you know we're dead we're already dead well you look at like i was down in mexico at easter and we were in uh you know um south of cancun that whole that whole area yeah exactly that shit was you know we go into cenotes and you go down 100 feet and they're showing you in the caves all of these fucking, you know,

that the ocean, basically there was a tsunami that landed on that area and it took thousands of years for the water to drain through that land again. And it was just, it was fucking underwater.

They're finding hundreds of cities in Europe and in the oceans. They're finding the of cities in Europe, in the oceans. They're finding the remnants on a constant basis. It's happening, I said hundreds, but it's really been dozens. But it really has been super frequent that they're finding more and more of these ancient civilizations that are underwater. It's just going to happen. It's just what it is.

The Earth doesn't give a fuck about you. Remember there used to be the whole thing of like, there's the lost city of Atlantis. It's like, no, there It's just what it is. The earth doesn't give a fuck about you. Remember there used to be the whole thing of like, there's the lost city of Atlantis. It's like, no, there's about a thousand of them. Yeah. Places that went underwater. Yeah. There's so much underwater shit.

There's, I mean, and by the way, how much shit is underwater? I mean, like, what do you get? Like 10,000 years before the ocean changes it, where you can never recognize it again? Yeah. How long does it actually stay? With all those waves and shit happening, how long before that stuff is unrecognizable?

And salt water which just erodes shit. Yeah, sand and covered in sand and shit. Yeah. How fucking many ships are out there?

What a terrifying way to die that must have been. Yeah. You know, get in a boat, hit an iceberg and then realize you are just fucking

dazed by boat from anywhere out in the middle of the ocean. Dude, I was boogie boarding yesterday and I went too far out in big fucking waves. Whoa. So I get fucking slammed. First, I'm going under these giant waves. I mean, these are like seven foot waves.

And I start going under them, which you normally can do. But then it was fucking sucking me, and I'd spin. So I do it like three or four times, and I'm trying to go out past the waves so that I can get my air, because I ain't getting in. I look up, and I'm fucking like 50 yards out. And I just start.

So then I finally catch one. I take it a little bit, and then I go under, flipped around, and now I can touch the sand. But the waves are still fucking giant and so they're landing on me and i can't get under the wave so it's fucking hitting me into the sand and spinning me and i can't get out so long story short i finally fucking just scramble and there's a life

guard waist deep coming at me and he's like dude are you all right he's like you got fucking pounded and the thing is i he my wife there's a whole bunch of people watching my family all my friends and shit and they're like were you scared and i was like i didn't have time it never occurred to me because i'm sure it's like when you fight if you stop and are scared for a second you just lost your fucking ability to problem solve yes and then my back is on fire today and i realized how fucked up i got well the only way to stop that feeling is to get over it no i mean that feeling being in then my back is on fire today, and I realize how fucked up I got. Well, the only way to stop that feeling is to get over it. No, I mean that feeling being in water and just getting tossed. It just sucks.

If you haven't had an experience like that where you have to really operate under extreme pressure, it can be really debilitating. Some people just immediately give up. It gets really scary. Whereas some people find surprising resolve. It's a weird thing about human beings like how much your your mind is capable of doing five minutes bitches and people are one way or the other yeah let's just wrap this up because uh we're running out of time at three hours you

stream turns into a pumpkin was it three hours you fucking we did it again yeah we do it every time fitzsimmons i love it it's been a lot of fun, buddy. Yeah, thanks, man. You're, I mean, as far as people that I know, you're up there, like one of the longest people I'm still in contact with in my life. Feels good. Yeah, it's great, buddy. Yeah. We're going to have some fun, play some pool.

Definitely. Powerful. Can I plug the fuck out of my one-hour special? When is it? Tarrytown, New York, September 14th at the Music Hall. Let's do this as a promo code till

till the 9th go to FitzDawg.com get tickets put in FitzDawg in the promo code when you get your tickets $10 tickets

tell your friends tell your family I gotta jam this place two shows on a Friday night I'll be doing the best material I've been doing for three years fucking nailed it down I'm ready

I want you there to share it with me. You look very confident, my friend. You look ready to rock and roll. I feel ready. Greg Fitzsimmons is a very funny stand-up. He's been doing it, like I said, what are we at? 23 years now, dude? Sounds about right. Something like that? Crazy. Old school skills, son. So go check that out. Where's your website again?

Fitzdog.com. F-I-T-Z. And Fitzdog Radio is the podcast. And go to Death Squad Get TV And get yourself A juicy delicious T-shirt

Isn't it Death Squad.TV I thought you said Go to Death Squad And get a TV And I'm like What Do you fuck up

The commercials That I make for you You silly bitch Go to DeathSquad.TV If you ask Where to get The

Brian Redband Versions Of the Death Squad T-shirts They're all there. The one that I like, I like the cat in the new one,

but I like the... Thanks for knocking my shit shirt. I'm not knocking it. I like your shirt, but I don't like everything except this one part of it. I'm just telling you what I like. You want me to lie?

I'm telling you what I like. You tell me what you like. It's part of being honest about shit. I love the new shirt. I've heard nothing but positive things about a lot of everybody love it me i love this free pussy riot shirt that i got right here but the cool thing about the shirt is that all the proceeds go to death squad.tv so i can pay for everything and that's what the shirt is about death squad.tv well you mean all the money goes to

you is what you're trying to say yeah i, I guess he pays for everything in this thing. Pays for everything in this thing? I pay... Never mind. I don't want to get into it. So yeah, the t-shirt goes right to all the podcasts that I provide at deskwad.tv and all the shows. You heard that, ladies and gentlemen.

Thanks to Onnit.com. That's O-N-N-I-T. Makers of Alpha Brain, New Mood, Shroom Tech, and the new Hemp Force with Maca and Raw Coco. Go get some of that. And we will see you guys tomorrow with the great Ari Shafir. And we will see you guys Thursday with the great Rick Ross. The real Rick Ross. Not that rapper dude, but the actual guy.

The good one. Should be cool. Thank you guys. We'll see you soon. Thank you.