The Joe Rogan Experience - #261 - Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: September 6, 2012

Joe sits down with Ari Shaffir.

Thanks buddy, bye. Did we start again? Did we do the ads again? Listen folks, I'm a retard without my little tech friend. My technologically enhanced friend. I don't know how the fuck to do this. I'm just winging this shit, son. It's the best, just guessing and flipping cues. You were able to fade the song out?

Yeah, I did a good job with that. Let me make sure that if I switch to this view that we people still hear it people still hear that shit people still hear it beautiful whoa that's me i'm a retard bro you just don't know the system i'm a retarded person trust me i'm i got an argument with someone in In the middle of the argument, they go, what's 7 times 40? And I'm like, I don't fucking know. We're upset at each other. I can't do math. The fuck you asked me to do math?

What kind of tricks is that? You trying to make me think I'm stupid? What does that have to do with it? Well, it's like mission accomplished. I don't know. It's a lot of numbers. I'm dumb with numbers, dude. I'm really dumb with numbers.

Yeah, I have to really force myself. Because when I was a kid, I just had really bad times in math i thought it was so boring i had a terrible attitude about it i never had anybody who was like an enthusiastic math teacher and my teachers were not terrible terrible teachers they just were bored they just were uninspired you know they weren't really into like i remember one time there was a documentary on about lake erie there was this one crazy science professor in our class science teacher i guess mr holman and he was always like late with the facts oh really yeah it's always like you know some shit that was true like a while ago yeah he would not be like kept up to it so this this

thing was about he just kept saying yeah he kind of yeah it was about lake erie he was like the world's not around it's oval he was insisting that lake erie was a dying lake and i said really yeah well you know a dead lake because lake erie really has been it's gonna dry up it got no really badly polluted um but no life in it yeah i think lake erie um had to make a big comeback but they they cleaned it up and this was there was a whole documentary that was on pbs like really recently like the night before and me and another kid in the class were talking about the documentary it was like we just saw something on on pbs that said it's making this comeback to show all these fishermen and they showed pbs yes exactly some guy went to school 40 years ago.

But he didn't even listen to us. He dismissed it. He didn't want to talk about it. He didn't acknowledge that maybe there was possibly some new data. That he had been teaching some shit that somebody figured out in 1980 or something. I mean, this is some new... Back then, you weren't really like on top of shit you like really on top of what the fuck is going on in the news if you're free balling on

stage in front of the class telling people that and that's why lake erie is a dead lake yeah and then some kid goes no it's not dead there was a whole documentary on tv man and he said fuck you no he didn't listen he didn't want to even he didn't even want to acknowledge it whereas like if you said that to me if you said there was a whole dot if i was saying obviously where'd you hear that i'm not obviously i'm not a fucking teacher but if you know if how if if you for whatever reason were talking to me about that and you you brought up that pbs ran a whole documentary on it i would have to go oh i didn't see that i would have to go oh wow is this new stuff maybe there's some improvements well

that's good news it's good news that science can actually clean up the ocean and the rivers and the lakes as well as you're happily surprised to hear it yeah it's nice well it is beautiful that they they have made some pretty significant um they have had some pretty significant results in cleaning up some types of spills. Really? They've come up with new types of bacteria that actually eat oil and can help clean up places like the Gulf and situations like that. Yeah. You know what I heard about that pile of plastic you always talk about? Yeah.

When they say, how big is it? Like twice the size of Texas. Right. They said that's such a humongously gross exaggeration. Really? It's less than one one-hundredth of the size of Texas.

Really? And they say that that kind of exaggeration discredits the actual problem that's there because it makes people write off everything. It's humongous,

but Texas is massive. Right, right. So they're just being like typical liberals? Yeah. It's like when you hold – yeah. Anyone who wants to make sure everyone knows about it. Yeah.

Well, it is – It's like I held my breath for 10 seconds. Like, oh, that's a long time. Like somebody else wants to be like, I held my breath for five minutes. And you're like, no, you didn't. You went too far. Well, you can do that. There was a guy, that David Blaine guy, I think holds the world record.

He held his breath for five minutes? Oh, more than that. What? Yeah, more than that. I think he he did something crazy like 13 or 14 minutes really yeah he um he held he's got the world record i'm pretty sure i'm pretty sure i know that sounds crazy you think he trains 13 or 14 minutes so stupid look that up you know where i'm getting this from brian callan oh really fucking love brian and he had a hawk on his shoulder the whole time brian callan's piece of beautiful person i fucking love that dude um it might be true though because david blaine david blaine call him a magician call him whatever the fuck you want to do i will call david blaine a bad motherfucker okay because i couldn't stand in that ice which one's david blaine the new one

or the old one he's the crazy guy that would like hang out in a box and you know just fucking live his life no did he did he do something like that somebody did that he doesn't do that oh yeah that's the type of guy that would make the statue of liberty holding holding somebody in aruba for fucking however long breath world record 13 or 14 i mean nuts i couldn't do it for 30 seconds yeah i'm not so good at holding my breath yeah i'm trying right now you know what brian though those were the the greatest things anybody's ever said okay 17 and oh my god 17 and a half minutes no no no 17 minutes, four and a half seconds. Holy shit. That's how long he did it for?

Yes. Oh, my God. This is insane, man. How the fuck did he do that? That's not just kind of crazy. Think of how long the time is between a sitcom scene starting and then they go to commercial. How many is that? How many minutes is that?

Is that seven minutes or something like that? You get two of those. Dude, plus some. That's a long time. Think of like an episode of Friends. Like two of those things that have all the fucking crazy. Oh my God. Well, before they go to commercial.

Think of that. He's held his breath through that whole thing. And then some. Two of those. Yes. Wow. That was just 40 seconds. That seemed like forever.

Yeah. He's a weird guy, man. Yeah. He goes all the way through the first break and the second break. If that guy was a fighter, he would be a scary guy. David Blaine. Yeah. You ever see black people react to him? it's hilarious what do they do black people still have a weird thing about magic um and they react like no no they push each other and shove and run away because they have that weird thing they just can't say like it's a trick they feel strange

about it it's hilarious wow watch the videos scared of uh his magic that's scared they're scared of magic in general really yeah that's a racist thing to say are you afraid of black people it's a racial observation what i grew up with elders teaching me that black people are scared of magic i watched by the way i learned a jewish uh horror movie the other day what was it it's this new movie that girl was pretty no this new movie the um what. What was it? It's this new movie. They thought that girl was pretty? No, this new movie, the, what the fuck is it called? The Possession

or some shit like that. By the Dybbuk Box? Yes. You saw that? Yeah. I auditioned for it. Did you really? There was some small part in it, yeah.

I was like, really? I dug a movie about this? It was fucking good, man. About them holing up a fucking, like an evil spirit inside a box? It was a good horror movie. Really? I mean, yeah. I mean, it was no an evil spirit yeah box it was a good horror movie

i mean yeah i mean it was no apocalypse now it was a fun horror movie i enjoyed the shit out of it the dude from the watchman that looks like brad garrett but he's not brad garrett here's what i gotta start doing yeah i know that here's what i gotta start doing i gotta start going to movies and saying this is just supposed to be dumb fun That's all this is supposed to be Right Like Expendables or whatever That's all I'm down for I'm down for like The Avengers and Werewolf movies

Just like let's root for the Good guys And don't worry about it And I'll fuck around And see a Twilight movie With Mrs. Rogan If I get crazy Just for a goof

Really Just to find out What the fuck is going on I'm gonna go see Fifty Shades of Grey too Just to find out What the fuck is going on With the culture That's a sex book right It's yeah There's something going on i'm gonna go see 50 shades of gray too just to find out what the fuck is going on that's a sex book right it's yeah there's something going on with us man well here's what

i'm not getting our rocks off girl yeah girls want the porn just like we want it but theirs is not what we watch there's a romance porn there's a there's a different kind of porn there's a vampire who will risk everything just to be with them you know know, guys. Yeah, exactly. Some will turn down their special power. I've had conversations with a bunch of different people about this. Every girl's like, I want that kind of love too. It's like, well, you don't get that. You don't get that kind of love. That's not real.

There's no vampires. There's no vampires. Nobody's giving up their power. Isn't that nuts? Somebody told me this the other day too. It's like, wait, so that kid has been around? Who told me this? That guy's been around for 2,000 years and he's in love with a 16 year old

exactly that was me oh all right that's who was someone else i thought he was a fucking pervert man that's a piece of shit thousand year old dude hanging out with a 17 year old girl that's crazy that was me i know yeah um yeah it's like ridiculous that's so stupid it's such a stupid idea that he would still be in high school. And he's going to give up his power? Yeah, he's got to pretend he's in high school. For a six! Well, I'm still in high school.

Well, you can't pretend you're 18, you're out of school. You can't pretend that. You look like you're 25. You can pass. Yeah, you can't just wander through the streets. You've got to show up at school every day like everybody else. Put a little gray in your hair and go to a bar and hang out at night with regular people who are into regular things shave your head stupid what do they get your references about the count yeah you don't have to tell people you're 17 you look like you're 25

go just go go leave school you can graduate this year what kind of nonsense is that he's gonna keep him rolling in school the truant officer gonna gonna stop a vampire from running around it's a whole family of vampire that only eat deer in those what the fuck are you saying you got nice people vampires that run around eating deers in those movies let me ask you a question in those movies do they already know everything that's being taught in the school yeah they must know everything why the make that guy sit there that's's like some sort of a crazy torture. Yeah.

Like Chinese water torture. One water drips on you, it's no big deal. But if water keeps dripping on you for 100 hours, you might lose your fucking marbles. You're like Groundhog Day. Yeah, you might go crazy. By the year. Yeah, what the fuck?

Yeah, what, do you transfer schools every two years? Fucking vampire that doesn't bite you. What are you talking about? I want my cake, and I want to eat it too. I want that kind of love. Idiot! I want to be a stay-at-home mom and have a career. This is why I respect you.

That sounds like a crazy person. This is why you're not equals. I want to fly and be a person. Well, you better get a plane, bitch, because you can't do that shit with your body. You can't really fly. That's crazy. How can you want that? What do we want? Below job. Dude can't really fly. That's crazy. How can you want that? What do we want?

Blow job. Dude. Release. Yeah, that's it. The release from the junkie of the penis, the penis that wants to explode squirty stuff out. Yeah. Those movies ruin it for all of us.

They ruin it for all of us. What, porn movies? No, not porn. The girl porn movies. Yeah, the girl porn movies. They don't know, but they're like, I sort of expect something better now. Well, you know, they're just responding to a lack of romance. You know, there's a lot of people that don't find anybody who's really into them.

You know, it's fucking hard to find someone who just, where you're exactly what they're looking for, and they're exactly what you're looking for. Because a lot of times it's just one. One of those is there. Like the guy's into the girl or the girl's into the guy or someone's annoying.

Whatever the fuck it is. No one's exactly what anybody's looking for. No, that's so not true, dude. I know people, it's rare as fuck. And nothing, not even like I wish they put their socks away more. I wish they were a little more. Nothing.

Okay, that's a crazy person worrying about socks. What are you doing? I'm just saying. It's a crazy example worrying about socks. What are you doing? I'm just saying. It's a crazy example. We get to the bottom of Mr. Shafia's problem. Here he's trying already to sabotage with clothing. Nothing has to do with behavior.

It's all clothing now. He's trying for anything. That sounds like that guy, the Donald Duck. Remember the old cartoon with the Donald Duck scientist? When he was talking about the road rage that happens with remember that one and he goes yes the driver gets in the car and he's turned into this thing yes yeah he's like a scientist duck a scientist duck that's right you sound just like that i haven't thought about that guy in a long time i can never do that voice again it's lost it's in my head you won't be able to reproduce it i can

only do like a couple of voices confidently. And I have to be around them all the time. Like Joey Diaz. I'm around Joey Diaz all the time. So I can do Joey Diaz easy. But other ones like that, I had them for a while, and then they're gone. Like Arnold Zizi. You can do Arnold Zizi.

Arnold. Arnold Zizi is the only guy you can do with just noises. You can do just like... It's so dumb like that's the impression i've never seen that not work on stage yeah it's so dumb it's so dumb it's a noise but it's that guy yeah whereas i don't think that's the i don't can't think of any maybe stallone i guess is like there's's a little bit of a noise. Not as much. Yeah. There's so many movies where he was yelling, where you're like, what the fuck is he yelling like that for?

And normal person would be like, ah, ah. And he's like, ah, ah. The most bizarre. Did you see the remake of uh where's the sweet spot here no not Conan where's the sweet spot yeah dude wherever your

fucking beautiful face is the remake of that's the sweet spot right there total recall no just out of respect yeah

I already got shit from Joey Diaz for seeing the the new version of the mechanic really Joey Diaz almost stabbed me

really yeah out of respect for Charles Bronson, dog. You go to that fucking piece of shit, that fucking Jason Statham, that little pansy,

he's going to play Charles Bronson's character, cocksucker. He went crazy. Was it good? No, I didn't see that fucking movie. It was very good.

I bet. It was very good. Statham is one of the coolest guys. I love Statham, and I love that dude who I don't remember his name,

but he was in that movie, the vampire movie about Alaska. Vampire movie. Oh, it's all night long, but it might last for six months. 30 days of night or something like that? 60 days of night? 90 days of night? 120 days.

I don't know what the fuck it was. The vampire, whatever the fucking, somebody on Twitter was screaming at me, I'm sure right now. You fucking moron. How are you the one who gets to talk? Charles and Mac has produced it for over six months. But he was a badass in that fucking movie, that vampire, 30 Days of Night. 30 Days of Night. You got it in the first guess.

Yeah, that movie, I got to find out this dude's name now because it the first guess yeah that that movie i gotta find out this dude's name now because he he was so fucking good in that movie it was like chilling because it's such a stupid premise that you're in a vampire it's sort of cool vampires would go with this more night but these were legit i'm sorry hold on a second these were legit what vampires legit vampires this is one of the last movies oh yeah last movies 30 Days of Night where they were fucking terrifying legit vampires. They were awesome. Why couldn't they find those people? Why couldn't they go door to door?

They didn't want to. They weren't really into looking that hard. Oh yeah, they had to hide away and go from place to place. I think his name is Danny Houston. Is that the homeboy's name? That's one of them. This guy played the vampire. Oh really? Yeah, this guy was one of them. This guy played the vampire. Oh, really? Yeah, this guy was one of the guys in that movie that was awesome.

But he wasn't the guy that I was thinking about. There's a full cast and crew. There's a guy who played like the vampire familiar. He played like the person. Yeah. The person that was hoping they were going to turn him into a vampire. Oh, yeah, yeah. That guy never works out for him, right? Yeah never works out that guy always gets jack double-crossed

yeah well he's always kind of a piece of shit you know yeah there's always something wrong with him but he's familiar but he's such a good weasel yeah you know and in this movie he had like rotten teeth and he was all fucked up looking really yeah it was awesome he was great they didn't allow him to have uh they always kill those guys yeah they did in the hunger games too oh yeah you gotta kill those gotta kill them eventually let those guys fucking go on ben foster that's his name that guy foster yeah he's from boston holla at your boy he's a bad motherfucker that that dude is a bad motherfucker he's keep an eye on that dude as far as like like watching a guy who can really pull off someone fucked up in a

movie yeah holy shit is he good he's scary familiar he was the familiar he was so good in it it was like this is silly role i mean you got to pretend they couldn't turn me into a vampire it seems so stupid yeah but he did it so creepy and so fucked up that he looked like a guy who had been so shell shocked before they put him in this prison. He was so shell shocked because he had seen vampires just gutting people everywhere

he went. And they were going to turn him into a vampire and eventually they just, spoiler alert, eventually they fucking eat his face. And it's pretty intense. But you buy it his his his raw acting his the rawness of it all faster do they like slow oh they fuck you up man these are scary vampires they do that fucking shit with their blood spraying yeah like a wolf would eat your face you know wolf wouldn't eat your face like a panther would eat your face if you're

turning something into another vampire can you just drink a little their blood yes you have to drink a little supposedly they all make their own rules now vampires can go outside in the day oh yeah blade started with that shit remember that they put sunscreen on that dude on black blade black blade they put sunscreen on the other dude on the uh so he could walk with him what is the handsome fella doesn't work that much anymore he was in that oh yeah yeah he was in

two girls a pizza place two girls a guy in a pizza place was he in that one too yeah devastatingly Stephen Dorff

is that him yeah that guy oh that guy that guy was out handsome fella Stephen Dorff and he was

he's got a beautiful face but anyway all he had to do was put this sunscreen on and he was okay. He was protected from the fucking sun. Really?

That's nonsense! And the vampires couldn't figure that out? Come on, man. Vampires would go outside and... Fucking burst into flames. Sunscreen lasts like 45 minutes. Come on, man. You're going to put some fucking sunscreen on.

You're not going to burst into flames. You're treating me like I'm an asshole. Do you know the sunscreen companies just revolted against... the america had to make them put legit stuff on their bottles why what were they doing just lying about saying waterproof saying waterproof spf was were ranges yeah um saying the um if it's waterproof it's paint by the way it's paint yeah it's paint you're gonna paint your fucking head it's like no no you're not it's not waterproof it'll come off in the water putting words like sport on there to make you think, oh, I can just have this on for hours. And you're making people get skin cancer.

I developed some real problems with sensitive eyes because of sunscreen. Really? Because I had to use sunscreen so much on Fear Factor. When I did Fear Factor, when I first started doing it, like a retard, I didn't wear sunscreen. The first couple of days that I ever worked it, I was just outside just getting cooked. Yeah. And I got like really fucking burnt. So I was like, all right, I got to wear sunscreen.

So I was wearing sunscreen like three and four days a week standing outside while this shit drips in your eyes whenever you get any kind of sweat. Yeah, and it stings. Yeah. And a lot of times it's a sweaty day. It's really possible for a little bit of the chemical to get moisture, and it just drips into the corners of your eyes, and then it would sting like a motherfucker.

Sometimes I would go on stage at the store, and I forgot that I had sunscreen on my forehead, so it would sweat, and then while I was on stage sweating, it would drip into my eyes, and it would be horrific, man. It would be like my eyes are getting burned like i was getting chemical burns in my eyes and because of that like i've had like problems like swimming doesn't feel the same way in the ocean anymore it's like much yeah it's much more painful than it used to be

like swimming swimming in the ocean is like wow like this fucking stings where swimming in like fresh water is like no problem at all and that to to me, the fact that the salt stings, it's like, man, it feels like there might have been some damage there or something. Also, when you're swimming in and it comes up, then it runs into your face a lot more, too, your eyes. Well, it's just the fact that it gets in your eyes. So what does it do to you now? What are your eyes like?

They work? They sting. They sting if I get in the salt water. More so? Yeah, more so than when I was younger. Yeah, I'm pretty sure it has something to do with being burned a few times. At least three times it was really painful where I got really burned. Legitimately it hurt?

Oh, yeah. Like on stage, I'm crying. You don't react to pain that well, too. It's a sting. Whoa, am I a pussy? No, no, the other way. I mean, you don't ever react to pain. I was like, what's up, bro? Yeah, you got so upset relax bro what my pussy no you're i i expect if you were in high school with me you would have been one of those kids that came in just hand

over a flame no i never did i don't want pain i just but i um i've i've been pretty good at shutting it out like uh like getting tattoo, you have to shut it out. Yeah, a little bit. But it's not that hard, man. I almost fainted. Oh, my God. Really? It didn't even hurt.

It's just pinchy. I was with Bella. Remember Bella? Bella Julia? Uh-huh. Sure. Yeah. We went to get them.

And she got one and I got one. You got a way harder spot than I do. I guess. No way. The sleeve? Yeah, I'm telling you. That side area is brutal. It's just fat.

It's one of the most sensitive areas. I don't know why. It's supposed to be super sensitive. Especially like the ribs. Apparently, if you get tattooed on the ribs. Because that bone is right underneath. Motherfucker. You feel like rattling your rib cage with pain.

Just. Really? Right over the bone. You're like, oh, Jesusesus that's how i've heard described there's just a few spots when i was getting my uh left sleeve my right sleeve is only like probably like 60 right now i gotta go to aaron delavadova guru tattoo in san diego holla at your boy yeah i want to finish this uh musashi one what's it called my monk what was it monkey i have a t-shirt from them oh that's right honky kong that's was it, monkey? I have a t-shirt from them. Oh, that's right.

Honky Kong. That's what it is. Yeah. They have a lot of great artists. San Diego is such a fucking cool town. That's a good place to go and start a cult. Maybe we should start our colony in San Diego. It's not too far from LA.

If you really had to be here for an audition. I think that was the first place I got laid on the road. Whoa. Congratulations. I think that might have been that place. Powerful, Shafir. Yeah. That's a nice place to get laid. La Jolla? Ooh. Yeah to get laid. La Jolla?

Ooh. Yeah. How beautiful is La Jolla? You had to coach me through it. I didn't know how to read the signs. It was me, you, and Ingram or something. On there or something. I think Ingram was on.

I don't know. It was outside. The show was still going on. Right. Some girl said something to me like, oh, you were really funny and then went outside to smoke. That's when I was still smoking. You're like, did you go get her number? I like no could i have you're like yes i was like

really yeah you were on the hunt and that girl came up and totally made the first move i couldn't read it yeah and you went on stage and you talked about not having a girlfriend you were like all green lights ahead you know you were dirty as fuck god damn it but you killed and that's what's important you killed you were the fucking man for whatever it was 20 minutes you were the man she's like oh my god i love him she's thinking about that you were like go use your smoking for good for once yeah and go out there yeah go get some son i was so nervous too i was like okay i want to talk i was like you want you want to hang out? And she was like, yeah, sure.

Isn't it weird how you get more comfortable meeting new people? Any experience? I used to get nervous when I would go to a bank teller. This is by the way. What? When you were what, like 17, 18? Oh, yeah, like I was 18 when I already fought in martial arts tournaments. I mean, I got scared of that too. But I would be tongue-tied and nervous

When I was going to talk to the teller Maybe that Maybe a person of authority I just would get weird Talking to people When I went for long periods of time Just training and not talking to people too much I got real weird social anxiety shit

Really? I got real weird i can't imagine that no for sure what if somebody's like introduced you to somebody well i was very i mean i was still pretty confident in myself yeah you know like unreasonably confident in myself because of my martial arts stuff but i was still like really weird with people socially like i would i would get nervous talking to them you know anybody yeah i. I mean, look, I didn't grow up feeling like the most appreciated person. So a lot of times when I was around someone new, I would think they were going to judge me.

And oh, how long before this guy starts picking on me? How long before this person starts picking on me? How long before he finds out that I'm supposed to be picked on? That I'm a loser. Yeah. And when you feel like that as a young person growing up it's like it's super easy to have yourself fall into those situations yeah so i would get like super i could imagine it now like now when i go to the bank i look forward to saying hi to the lady you know you know i look

forward to going hello how you doing everything good what's up i want you know i think that there's like yesterday you get a little discussion with people i learned that it's nice if you can do that you know if you find someone who really will have a nice little quick little nice conversation with you and you you both feel good everybody feels good or you can just be that selfish senseless asshole just can i help you what do you need yeah write it down that's not it you're a robot yeah you know just interact with people all day you know maybe it'll be fun if joey diaz worked at a fucking post office box place it'd be a fun place with all the post office people they told me once how to do it like separate stuff and i do it every time they'll stop and come over like oh you got another shipment you got more you separate thank

you darlin you know eddie bravo used to work at ups he used to sort boxes like like there would be like a uh like he would stand next to these runways and the boxes would come out i mean he would grab the boxes and have to chuck them into like different places that correspond to different like laverne and shirley like different area codes or zip codes rather is it zip codes no yeah zip codes is the end of a letter yeah so he had to like put them into different places like what did you say like what show like laverne and shirley they do that with the bottles where they had to like oh that's right they had to put them into different places. What did you say? What show? Like Laverne and Shirley. Did they do that? With the bottles where they had to like... Oh, that's right.

They had to do that with the brewery. What was it called? It wasn't a past, was it? No, no. It was a fake one, right? Schatz? Schatz Brewery? Schlotzky's?

No, that's a real one. What the fuck is it, man? I don't know. I don't know. I don't remember. That was a great show, though, when we were kids. Laverne and Shirley was decent. It's probably really hard to watch now.

But answer me this. What show is good to watch now but what answer me this what show is there was so many good female comedians from that era like carol burnett and laverne shirley they were like real legit shows that people wanted to watch mary tyler moore i think it was maybe because of this i'm gonna offer something that'll probably get me in trouble okay but um i think it was maybe because of this i'm going to offer something that'll probably get me in trouble okay but um i think it's because in those days hollywood for the people in charge of choosing hadn't yet said we've got to find prettier people the management system hadn't come in and promoted people from within to get like well who do you have to choose from now a bunch of people they've told us these are who you have to choose from you don't get like the people who are just naturally talented to rise through the ranks anymore if you look at saturday night live now most of those people are better looking now than

when it started right you know like everything has sort of changed and you're gonna get prettier people to look at which is nice but you're also not gonna necessarily get the funniest or most talented most creative person that way right you know and also carol burnett allowed everybody else to shine yes yes and they had a super talented crew. Is that thing falling apart on you, man? You keep fucking with it. No, I'm trying to get it to the right spot. Don't touch it.

Don't touch it. Itches. Leave it alone. Yeah, Carol Burnett had a super talented crew. It's just hard for us to recognize now because if you tried to watch the Carol Burnett show right now, I don't know if you'd really truly enjoy it. I think I should go watch some of those shows because some of those, like living color you can't watch it all now well like certain shows you cannot watch bruce that lenny bruce yeah i was gonna point to that that lenny bruce poster that i have on my

wall i'm uh look i give it up to lenny bruce i think we all have to that was the originator that was the first guy if it wasn't for that guy it would have taken a lot longer to get to this yeah it would have taken for what you and do, that guy is so super important. But if you try to watch his stuff today, it's odd. It's very strange. There's one where he's on stage for over an hour reading legal documents. Just trying shit? No.

Just talking about the points of his case. He went crazy because he was getting charged with obscenity. And so he would go on stage and read his fucking case he was the first one to suffer from that from thinking how famous he was he should be talking about oh yeah he fucking fell apart because of it and his world was a whole world the the the court cases and then on top of that the heroin you know he uh he was like severely depressed i'm sure because of a lot lot of it. All those guys that got arrested for saying things, even the two live crew, we owe them. We owe them.

Because if it wasn't for people who broke down the door with obscenity, even though I don't, I mean, put your dips on my dick and stick my asshole too. Me so hard. I mean, look, love it or hate it, it's a form of art. It's a ridiculous form of art. But it's like, why should you tell them not to say that? Yeah. That's what we believe in, that they should be allowed to say it.

Who cares what it is? If they like it, what's it to you? As long as they're not playing it in your face, and I don't think you should be playing Beethoven in anybody's face either. Right. I mean, that shit's annoying too. At some point, we bat out of the Christians a little too much. A little too much.

We're like, hey, how about there's going to be some cursing on television. So just research what you're going to watch and police your kids on your own. Well, Florida's so gangster. We all want this. Florida's got a lot of really strange laws. And some people like them. But some people think that they're really nuts. And Florida has a really large community of conservative people so they have

some pretty strict laws when it comes to like pornography and things like that oh really yeah so when they have someone like say this guy you remember that dude who went went to jail for obscenity max hardcore he does like really intense shit like really intense like shameful yeah horrible things to people yeah just like pissing in her asshole and then they drink it with a straw oh my yeah like intense stuff weekend stuff intense intense stuff pissing in your mouth and you while he's got a hard-on somehow or another and then he forces her head down and he pisses in her mouth some more and she's gagging and throwing up piss yeah so what they did with this guy is they decided to make a case out of him.

So they sent his stuff to Florida. Yeah. And then they sent it to some place that has very strict pornography laws. And so that place is like, okay, well now we'll prosecute him based on our perception of what's upsetting. Yeah, different perceptions.

Yeah, that's where it gets crazy. And that's Florida. Didn't they run the meth where people just go spot to spot to spot in Florida? It's not meth. Cough syrup or whatever it was? It's Oxycontins. Yeah.

You still do. You can just get a certain amount at every single city. Yeah, and they're trying to stop or slow the tide on the amount of prescriptions that they give out. But the fact is there's so many people that already have them. There's so many people that are addicted to that stuff. And if they all stop cold turkey, they're all going to die. So you've got to figure out how to get these people off this zombie drug that you guys have been making billions off. Good luck.

Good luck, you fucking assholes. You crazy assholes that have made all your money. Enjoy your yacht. You've enslaved a population. You've enslaved a population with vampire dust. You've turned people into zombies. You know what they'll say? What do they say?

They'll say, well, I just don't think about it. They're going to stand right beside Mitt Romney and say, we did build it. We did build it. Yeah. You know, everybody got mad at me because I got mad at Obama for that expression that he used. What expression? Where he said, you didn't build that. You didn't build the infrastructure.

You didn't build the infrastructure. He was talking about the reason why we have such a great society that people are able to create jobs and start their own businesses is because there's this infrastructure, and you need to contribute to that. You didn't build that. You didn't build that infrastructure. He's saying who didn't build it, Mitt Romney. The people that have the businesses. Oh, yeah.

He's saying that you didn't build it on your own. Yeah. But what I got upset about, and me and Brian Callum were talking about it and I should clarify because enough people tweeted me and commented on the message boards what I don't like about that is that is a

defeatist attitude you're telling someone something they didn't do that's not how a leader should be communicating with people in my really unsubstantial and completely

irrefutable position. I mean, who am I to tell you? Here's what I think. What do you mean how a leader should act? Those are things and terms that we grew up on, but what do you mean? Why shouldn't he hang out in his underwear and say whatever he wants? I'm not saying that I don't have any credibility on this subject.

But I think that when you're talking to a group of people, this is just my opinion. Can't say that any more times. And if you're the leader of 300 million people and you're talking in negatives, then you're putting out negative. You're putting out negative energy. You're scolding people. You're, in a sense, you're saying that someone's wrong when you say you didn't build that he said that about mitt romney but no he said that about people people that don't think that they should pay more in taxes people that don't think they should contribute more which i by the way even though i'm i have a mixture of ideas that i have about what is about i have a mixture of ideas that I have about a lot of things that I believe that are very liberal as far as social issues and a lot of things that I believe that are pretty conservative and people would be kind of surprised.

Because I just think there's a reality to human nature that a lot of liberal people, I think, don't want to accept. They want to pretend that people are a little less predictable than they actually are. Humans are humans. We act like whatever type of species we are. Until we accept that, all these conversations we have are just flavored by bullshit. That's why political conversations never work. That's why political speeches never work. They never see the other side.

They never realize that we want different things. When you see a guy like Mitt Romney or a guy like Barack Obama, who's, by the way, a really good speaker. He's way better than I would be if I had to do that thing. I'd get crazy emotional. I'd probably cry like a bitch. I had the real responsibility of guiding 300 million people. He handles it admirably.

I mean, it's amazing. But they all do it in a fake way. They all do what? We are the type of country that prevails. We are not the type of country that backs down. It's like, come on, man. You're not talking to me as a human being. And these grandiose ways of using tone and separating speech is to me it's a lot like

stand up comedy you hear them raise their voice it's not because of the message it's because of the way you delivered it you use some theatrical type of shit it's cheap you can't finish your set and go like this give it up for me.

Some guys do, though. You've seen it. How gross is that? Remember there was one guy that used to come around and would tell the audience that this always gets a standing ovation. This is my last bit. This always gets a standing ovation. And he would go into his last bit. Just letting them know, you should be giving me a standing ovation at the end of this.

And he would tell people to stand the fuck up. Stand the fuck up. Stand the fuck up. That's supposed to just happen. People are so crazy. They're so greedy. They want it. No, it's mine.

It's mine. It's my precious. That's why the Gollum works so well. Because everyone's like, yeah, I see that. Oh, precious, precious, precious. Me wants it. It's become almost a hacky reference in comedy because it works so well.

Oh, because it is... It's like, yeah, having that much desire for something, that's the extreme. The creepiest possible aspect of people is when you're running into them in the midst of an addiction. The green monster. Yeah. When you see someone who wants something so bad,

something, something, give it to us! Give it to us! You know, that thing where... I've seen it with Coke. I've seen it with people that wanted Coke. But they just want to get back to where they were in the first 20 minutes of their fucking Coke trip. Well, they're not thinking.

They just know they want it. But it's weird to see that glassy-eyed lockdown on that chemical. They want that chemical so bad. I was with Tebow yesterday, two days ago, yesterday. I don't care when it happened, man. I saw some guy crossing the street, but he's walking with sweatpants, no t-shirt, and socks on, walking down La Brea crossing Hollywood Boulevard. And I was like, on the other side of the street, I was like, Tebow, what drug is that?

He goes, I think meth. Looks meth-y to me. Kind of meth-y. Yeah. A little on the meth-y side. Jesus Christ. And I was like, he seems calm. He's like, oh, no, he's just waiting for someone to get in his way.

That's why I have no respect for cops that decide, by the way, not are forced to act, but decide it's time to raid medical marijuana dispensaries. Go clean up the meth labs, you fuck. You know where people are actually going in and parking their car and paying for it with their credit card. You know what's happening. You know what's worse. You assholes.

Whoever it is at the top, I know you're trying to protect your cops, but really, come on, man. You need to get drones. And I usually don't say that, But that's what the cops need. To deal with the meth. Oh, yeah. Just drones. What's going to happen with it?

Nothing's going to happen with this. Leave the weed alone. How about weed pays for drones to go after the meth? But the city council stuff for LA, that's not going to pass, right? No, it's not going to pass. The mayor's never going to sign off on it. No, they can go fuck themselves. The idea is ridiculous.

You know how much money they would lose? They would lose billions of dollars in revenue and taxes. It's ridiculous. Those companies are just as much of a legitimate business as someone selling cucumbers. But here's the problem, though. Yeah, but I agree with you. But six out of seven city councilmen or whatever said, yeah, let's get rid of it. Yeah, but those guys are bitches.

Are they in the pocket of people? Is that what it is? Of course they are. Of course. This is a big issue, man. Look, imagine you could wipe out just just for a goof say that you could wipe out all of the medical marijuana dispensaries in this in this state yeah so the only way a patient could get pot was to illegally grow it if that was the case people people like grandmas and shit they would illegally grow it

or they would just go to the pills it's very possible you get a lot of people to the pills That was the case. People like grandmas and shit. They would illegally grow it. Or they would just go to the pills. It's very possible you get a lot of people to the pills. Yeah, a lot of people take it for pain relief, man. A lot of people that have had back injuries. I will tell you the story. The only story I heard where it's story evidence, whatever that word is. But we were on that Monsters of Comedy tour. That shitty one with Tripoli and all those guys.

And this guy, Will C, he's like a uh an army guy he's like i'm not touching that stuff he got a little annoyed that he smoked around him within two weeks he was like all right let me have some but we always shoved him in the back with a lot with a luggage and stuff right and his back was like fuck i'm hurt it hurt whatever he said like dude my back feels good yeah when he finally started smoking he was like this is i feel better well part of what the problem with back pain and this has been proven is it's stress related that a lot of times when people have like really stressful lives yeah yeah yeah yeah there's a guy i think his name is john sarno i think that's his name he's uh he's a um a doctor from new york and he's like got this idea that i think his name is Sarno,

I should look this up, but that it's psychosomatic. And Eddie Bravo actually found that his back problems are psychosomatic. He could see if he was stressed? Well, he said that he was just so tense in the way he was thinking and he changed the way he was thinking.

And when he changed the way he was thinking, literally his back problems went away. There's an old fable in the Old Testament that some guy was trying to help a king. He couldn't get his shoe off or something. He had armor on of his shoe, and he couldn't get it off, and the king had to calm him down.

Or the Jew had to calm this king down. And then once that happened, then his swelling went down on his foot, and he was able to get the shoe off. Huh. Yeah. You fucked that front thing up again, man. Fuck huh yeah you that fun thing up good man it up good these it's not your fault these all over i can't face you and turn oh that's clearly the way to do

it but now what so how do i just missing it just right there's good right there's good can you tighten it up right there so uh that jewish uh horror movie oh yeah the dybbuk box yeah well it's i think it's called the possession oh yeah yeah i said it just came out yeah it was wicked stupid yeah totally unbelievable yeah completely retarded you like dragged me to hell i was like this sucks this sucks love i remember that child in a lot of ways i don't know if you've recognized that that time we were in san jose and and we're all gonna go see a movie because it's so boring there and it's like two blocks it's okay yep yep and so we're all gonna see a movie and you and tom was like let's go see drag me to hell i was

like barf let's go see up and you guys are like barf oh my god drag me to hell was so much better than me and brian like i sounded like a 14 year old me and right now. Me and Brian cried it up. Did you really? We were bawling. Oh, that's so sweet. Yeah, I don't like getting depressed at the movies. And Up did depress me. When the old guy was in the house by himself, I'm like, I do not want to watch this. That's gross. Yeah, man. You're watching someone rot away.

The first 15 minutes into that, you're like, that's just a beautiful short. Yeah. Him with the wife coming up. Depressing as fuck. Yeah. I like when stuff touches me like that oh you don't like it i used to and i gave up i gave i gave up on that feeling like i don't need that i'm trying to manage as much positive thinking in my life as possible the

last thing i want to do is watch a movie about some guy is fucking shooting heroin and falling apart and you know someone accidentally hit someone with a car because they're drunk i don't want to see that yeah i don't want to see it i don't care i don't need to see reality when i go to the fucking movies i want the hulk really i would see every time yeah i would see i've been back and forth what's that not even a back and forth oh fuck about some depressing movie yeah i'm not going to the movies to get depressed i don't have time man i've got a lot of different interests you know and i'm into like i'm really into a lot of different things that i don't get to do a lot like play pool the last thing i always do is take some time away from playing pool so you can feel

to watch some movie or that wants to make me cry like a bitch about some shit that didn't even really happen i'm crying about some shit that didn't even really happen. I'm crying about some fake shit. And you go to comedies too. You'll go to Ali G movies and stuff like that. Yeah, oh, for sure. Yeah. No, no, I love comedies.

Don't get me wrong. Yeah. Yeah, I wanted to go see the new Will Ferrell, Zach Galifianakis movie, but it was sold out like a motherfucker. Really? Yeah, we were 20 minutes before it too. I was like, oh, shit. I got crazy.

I thought I could go see that movie. That movie's going to be like number one. Apparently, it's fucking hilarious. When did it come out? fucker really yeah we were 20 minutes before it too i was like oh shit i got crazy i thought i could go see that movie that movie's gonna be like number one apparently it's fucking when did it come out hilarious just came out but i had a bunch of people say that when it went saw it's just so ridiculous it's like from the moment it starts you just it's a fucking crazy giggle fest because they're both so stupid funny like will ferrell i I've seen him in movies. He's got scenes in Anchorman that are so preposterous. When the girl was starting to become famous and he was upset.

Anchorman, yeah. Yeah, you remember? I mean, it's like he's so funny. It's so ridiculous. It's like, all right, it's funny. Every movie that he's in, I've never seen a bad Will Ferrell movie. I've never seen a Will Ferrell movie

that didn't make me laugh. Talladega Nights is one of my all-time favorite comedies. I like Talladega Nights. That's a fucking great movie. When that girl stops fucking Will Ferrell movie. I've never seen a Will Ferrell movie that didn't make me laugh. Talladega Nights is one of my all-time favorite comedies. I like Talladega Nights. That's a fucking great movie. When that girl stops fucking Will Ferrell because he loses it and then starts fucking Philip Seymour Hoffman

or whatever the guy's name is. Yeah, Leslie Bibb. Yeah, and I was like, wait, you're fucking the other guys. Like, those are my kids now. I appreciate you treating them with respect. She was my ex-girlfriend in Zookeeper. Oh, really?

Yeah, she was the girl that I was trying to get from Kevin James. Oh, nice? Yeah, she was the girl that I was trying to get from Kevin James. Oh, nice. Yeah. She's really nice. She's super cool. As far as like, you know, you think about like hanging with actors that actors would be like real actor-ish. Leslie Bibb is cool as

fuck. And she's totally like a guy. Dude, we were on the way to, she's really funny. And she's nice. She's nice to everybody. she's nice she's nice to everybody she's nice to the pas she's nice to the makeup lady she's just nice she's just nice but she's fucking really hilarious i don't know how much she would ever want anybody to know of this conversation so i won't i won't tell you any but she was cracking jokes about something and i was like i can't believe this is the chick from talladega nightsights. Really? Yeah, it was really funny.

She's really funny. Steve Byrne, I've been getting called in to audition for that Sullivan and Son a few times. Sullivan and Son? What is that? Steve Byrne show.

It's on TBS. Oh, yeah. TBS has a lot of comedies now, right? Yeah, they're really trying to go hard. That's a recent thing, right? Is that where Louie is? No, he's at FX. FX, yeah, okay.

But his is on TBS. But anyway, at some point i called on three times for like one same show it's like right thank you you clearly said something about me yeah and he's like i'd so much rather hang out with a comic than an actor oh yeah even if it's just one line just i'd rather be normally i say that but then i'm like saying like this leslie bib check even though she's a she's not a comic she is a comic she might as well be a comic. There's some annoying comics, too, that I wouldn't want to hang out with. Of course.

I'm telling you. Look, a lot of people that are actors in comedy, like Leslie Bibb, could easily have been a stand-up. Yeah. But cool enough. Yeah, the same thing that Chelsea Handler can pull off. Leslie Bibb can pull that off, too. Chelsea Handler takes some shit, but I've always thought she know I mean I think she's she's funny I thought she was the only girl

that was talking about being a whore that was really a whore and she's like she ain't faking it she's always been nice to me every time I've always seen her she's always been nice to me I've never heard anybody say she's an asshole you know I don't know what it's like on her set or anything like that but she's she's always nice

she used to come into the store like Jeff Scott used to get mad about it sometimes but it was like i wrote a review for a book i wrote a blur remember that yeah but she would come in sit in her car drink from a flask then go in and open the show and then take off for the night she was good i remember watching her in the back of the room going wow this chick is fucking she's hardcore yeah she's like legit hardcore like she was really living it she's really good yeah she's like i'm not i'm not pretending i'm a whore for the sake of a joke she's funny she's cool yeah i i think you know it's uh it's a way harder road for a chick to make it as a comedian and even talk about anything

than it is for a dude because a dude can get away with having an opinion about things you know chicks it's harder to or they just don't try yeah um well it's also like you'll listen to a guy on stage with a conservative point of view for a little bit yeah you know i mean you'll listen for a little bit if the guy is a respectable person like even christopher hitchens was like pretty pretty conservative when it came to a lot of uh a lot of military issues oh yeah you know and these are obviously very... And super liberal atheists at the same time. Yeah. But if you had a woman that was on stage

that was trying to get you to laugh and had opinions so completely polar opposite of your opinions as well, you wouldn't be wanting to hear it. You couldn't be talking about sucking dicks. It's hard. It's hard to do for them. No, but like political opinions

or fucking social opinions. Shut your mouth, woman. I think none of them just do it right. You It's hard to do for them. No, but like political opinions or fucking social opinions. Shut your mouth, woman. I think none of them just do it right. You don't get to choose. That's how guys think. And I think it's way harder for a chick to have a political point of view. That's why a lot of them become really snappy. Like a dog that's going to yell that too much.

In their act? Yeah. They definitely get pushed into being characters more. Yes. Into being character acts. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I agree with that. Just like Roseanne did. Just like Phyllis Diller more. Yes. Into being character acts. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I agree with that.

Just like Roseanne did. Just like Phyllis Diller did. Just like all these people did. It really hasn't stopped. Roseanne was a monster. Yeah. You remember when Roseanne first came out, man? I remember.

She was the first chick. It's too annoying for me at first. It took me a couple years. that I ever saw really kill. Really? She was the first chick I ever saw really kill. You saw her do spots? No, I don't think I ever saw her live.

I might have saw her once at the store live her no no i don't think i ever saw her live i might have saw her once at the store live and i can't remember yeah but i've seen her specials you know i've seen her specials a bunch of times and i've tweeted back at her i think she admonished me for making a potty joke oh really like a mommy as a joke i don't think so i think she was telling me to concentrate more on important issues oh really she was one of the first women to get her say. She was, we'll do it my way. That's Roseanne Barr, bitch. You better recognize.

She fired every showrunner she had. Yeah. You're all fired, one at a time. Well, that's a weird thing that happens to people when they become the star of a fucking show. Yeah, it's my show. Yeah, you can't tell Roseanne what to do. Not after that second year. It was like she

was one of the biggest people in america she was huge remember when she had a three-way marriage her and tom arnold married sandra bernhardt or that other person is that true something like it was like a three-way marriage wow they're like we're marrying her imagine being married to another person what a drag What a crazy drag. How about we all get divorced and just live together? Let's just make up our mind, honey. This marriage is a sham.

We're bringing another person in here. Let's just get divorced and hang out together. Can we do that? Get a three-way marriage. Why not have a ten-way marriage, you dumb fuck? That way when you break up,

you can't have any money. How about that? You don't get any of it. All of it goes to other people. They can't live off what you make. You get nothing. Yeah. Could you imagine if you got divorced from nine people and you had to pay them all?

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. It'd be like when you go to Tijuana and those little chick-lo kids come up to you. It'll be like that. With alimony all the time. Yeah. I mean, you've got to think of how stupid it is. I was having a conversation with somebody about the O oj simpson case the other day it came up and what they were they were talking about people like getting like super crazy because they have to pay so much in divorce yeah

and we broke it down i go could you imagine if you had explained that to somebody that if they didn't understand the system it's like yeah well what happens is you sign this paper and then when you're not together anymore, even if they're fucking other people, you have to keep sending them money for a long time, for years and years and years. And they, for whatever reason, never have to get their shit together. They never have to. No. And everyone's like, you got to do what you have to do. You have to support them.

Why? Isn't that crazy? You know, I have a friend whose whose wife if she got married to the man that she loves she would lose all of her money all of her so she won't marry him so this guy's like a bum and they live together and this guy has to pay them astronomical sums every month and he'll like get a credit order or or a um a court order to uh to prove that she's living with a man and the guy would just move out for two weeks. The inspector comes, and then he moves back in.

Here's the thing. I understand that if you gave up your life and your career to raise a child for someone else, then you're in a worse place. No, no, no, no, no, no. He has no kids. If you just marry someone, in what world of equality do you think, because you guys decided to break up,

that one person should pay the other person? In what equality world? It's if you get married for more than 12 years. No, if you live together with five years in California. No, no, no, that's not what I'm saying. If you're married for more than 12 years and you get divorced, you have to pay them forever.

Because you grew in separate ways. I mean, that is one of the neat one of the every girl is not outraged by that it's a fucking cunt every one of you whenever you want equality just know that that's a rule still and go fuck yourself there's no way that should still be around i got stop and think about it for a second i got two words for you right now tom arnold yeah that's hard that's our payback girls it's not just girls that's right guys have run that hustle and britney spears dude oh that's hard that's our payback girls it's not just girls that's right guys have run that hustle and britney spears dude oh that's right kevin fennel he cashed in he's fat and he drives a ferrari but every guy every guy was excited about that like black people were excited about

oj getting off where we knew this was ridiculous but finally one for us that you just went deep with that son it's a ridiculous law it's ridiculous yeah it's craziness it's crazy that you could be separated by years and years and years and even the same amount of time that you were actually together like if you were year together for 12 years then separated for 12 years no no in perpetuity you gotta keep paying we got married we're 18 now i'm 30 and cheat she can't even find a man she can't find a man who loves her enough to take her away it comes from a time when they're tarnished goods because they've already been married for so long. Who would want them?

Well, it's not even that. What the fuck is that? It's not even that. It's that she can't trust him. What, I'm going to just trust you? I'm going to marry you and you're going to stick around? If I lose you, I lose all this money. I mean, she gets a substantial amount of money every year.

It's a payday. What the fuck are you talking about? How much? That comes from a crazy time. How much does she get? Oh, nothing. Just about a million dollars a year. Remember that Chris Rock bit?

It's okay to give up half of your money when you have $2 million. Try when you have $30,000. Try giving up $15,000. Even when you have $2 million, it hurts your soul. The idea behind it is so crazy. It's so crazy that if you write something down on paper, another person... And you have to keep paying them? You have to keep paying them.

Why can't you live your life? That seems to be kind of strange. Yeah. You're requiring me to live your life. Yeah. What kind of fucking weird enabling system do we have here? We're training them letting you're not responsible for yourself i'm not gonna say it they're training to be adults that's what we're training to be

believe you said that you said i stopped myself i try to grow as a human i try to grow as a human but that's what you're training to be fucking people unable to take care of themselves in any way it's ridiculous it's ridiculous well the whole idea is you get injured in an accident women want to be protected when they're raising children and to be legal like some guys are douchebags they don't want to pay for their kids and they wouldn't want to pay alimony or child support i'm not saying that i'm just saying in cases especially where there's no children it seems a little weird that you could be separated from someone for, in my friend's case, 10 fucking years.

He's still paying. He's paying a substantial, God damn it. Let me say it again, a substantial amount of money. My friend is a real worker. He works. He's got his own business.

He's like, I mean, this motherfucker puts in some hours. All right, I'm telling too much. He's also a wizard. He's got his own business. He's like, I mean, this motherfucker puts in some hours. All right, I'm telling too much. He's also a wizard. He lives in a cave and he drives a spaceship. And he's Asian.

It's fucking, it's just a sad world when you see people destroyed by a weird, unequal legal system. It's antiquated. What the fuck is that? It doesn't make any sense.

How can anyone defend that kind of behavior? It's just so crazy to think that someone who you don't want in your life anymore is still your financial responsibility. How about the last two years was a living hell? Yeah. That doesn't buy you anything?

Any discounts? Yeah, and this is, you know, we're talking about grown adults, man. I mean, you would assume that you've done something with your life that's trade-worthy. We hated each other. We had to sleep next to each other for the last two years. And it doesn't matter. Yeah, no bed together. She might insult you when you're at dinner.

I mean, make up your own horrifying scenario that it could have been. And imagine you have to pay that person a million a year. It's craziness. 20 bucks. That's what you get. What you get when you get out of prison. The whole idea behind paying people money is fucking crazy. But the whole idea behind charity is beautiful.

And when people don't get charity from people, they want to get it from them. You give it to me. And it's a fucking horrible aspect of human nature that people want something that they don't deserve. But we all want it. After we get it for a while, we all want it. Yeah, you all want to slip and fall and sue. But in anything, even when you start getting spots at the comedy store, you start thinking, well, now I get them, I deserve them.

Yes. Everyone gets like this. Yeah, it's hard to maintain humility and appreciation. Those are two very hard aspects of the human experience to really maintain and hang on to. Yeah. Yeah, it's hard to be a nice person. I was talking to this guy in Toronto,

this new comic. He was interviewing me for something, some like web thing. Powerful Toronto, coming soon, Massey Hall. Are you going to be able to?

I'm also doing shows in Toronto for Just for Laughs. I will probably be by there to hang out at the very least. At the very least. So,

legally, we can't say that Arash Shafir will be performing. Yeah. But you know it's a... How are the sales for that show? Oh, stellar. Yeah, you're going say that R.H. Field will be performing. Yeah. But you know what's up. How are the sales for that show? Oh, stellar. Yeah, you're going to kill them.

It's almost sold out. Really? Yeah, it's almost sold out. You know, it's, look, Massey Hall is one of the fucking coolest places on earth. Have you ever done it? No. Dude, like, fucking Beatles did it and shit. Really?

It's like one of those places. Oh, it's insanity. I'm scared. I'm scared just thinking about it now. I'm getting tuned up. Yeah. I'm so fired up for that show i'm fired up for this weekend too i'm doing the lobero theater in santa mara or santa barbara rather santa barbara is uh pretty fucking santa barbara you ever go there uh i just went camping near like halfway there dude i'm telling you it's so nice to go camping you gotta do it silly bitch it's so much fun you see fucking animals we got attacked

by a skunk yeah that's not good it was so see fucking animals. We got attacked by a skunk. Yeah, that's not good. It was so fun. You say it like it's good. It was so fun. Skunks are not good, dude. Only one guy had to walk through it. It was so fun. That's not real camping.

That's serial killer bait. And then we went out into the wild. Yeah, but that's no wild. The wild that you can get to your car in LA is not real wild. Where did you go, Joshua Trey?

It's serial killer bait. Where do you want to go? You gotta go to Montana, son. Oh, yeah. You gotta go somewhere legit. Oh, we can't go there. That's too wild. It's serial killer bait. Where do you want to go? You've got to go to Montana, son. You've got to go somewhere legit. We can't go there. That's too much. That's too involved. We want to take mushrooms and drive somewhere. Okay, but I'm telling you that you're just asking to get eaten. That's what you're doing. If you go to

one of those creepy semi-wooded areas near cities. That's fine. He's there. Griffith Park is a good place to find a half-eaten body. Griffith Park is differentith Park is a good place to find a half-eaten body. Griffith Park is different. It's a good place to find a pit that people made when they cooked a homeless guy. That's the kind of place where you find some shit like that.

It's not like the real woods. It's not like Colorado. It's not like walking through the trails in the Rockies. It's the closest place where I can get away from everyone. Yeah. And that's so much fun sometimes i can get away from everyone yeah and that's so much fun sometimes to get away from everybody if i had a houseboat i'd take it out sometimes fuck yeah it is but the problem is the places you're going anybody you run into you're gonna have to kill you have to kill in a hand-to-hand fight because they're gonna be trying to take your life you're gonna have to call back on those old school 10th planet jiu-jitsu skills

my dad taught me about the israeli army yes what do i remember kicking the balls for two people dude i'm so bummed out that you hurt your knees i really love the fact that you got into jiu-jitsu and you got you got proficient at it for a while i remember seeing you get a few taps and i was like holy shit are you tapping people i saw you get anyone who's thinking of doing it it's so invigorating when you get that it's it's like it's sort of the same but way better than once you come back again why don't you uh just lift a little weights for a couple months build your your body up a little bit i uh i'm about to go back now i had a pretty significant back injury where i i popped it i miss it sometimes and i tried to uh i tried to keep rolling i tried to like like just roll light and just use technique and and I hurt it really bad. I hurt it bad to the point where I was getting numbness in my hands.

Oh, really? Yeah. I've had that. It was intense. Tingling? Yeah, it was intense. And then I came back for a little, and I got my black belt, and then I hurt it again. And I was like, motherfucker.

I said, all right, I can't just rest this. I got to make this thing stronger. I should say this, because I don't think I got injured in jujitsu. I think I got injured from kettlebells. So I always say to anyone who doesn't, and don't go don't bend past a certain level well honestly i think before you even do kettlebells for you because you had been kind of sedentary i think it would have been nice a little bit being trying to trying to be your friend brother you know i love you you were growing on me you could have uh started off

with perhaps like some body weight squats and some push-ups and like a real conservative sort of a build-up phase because what happened to you has happened to people before you go too hard and you break yeah yeah you can you can fuck yourself up kevin perera had the exact same problem callan told me at some point he's like but honestly dude you're 36 you're 37 you can't you can't that's what's gonna happen that's callan yeah that's right before he lifted his shirt and said something about 40 something and then pounded himself fox news messenger of doom comes to if you're if you're talking about how great your body was he would have went that way with you he just really loves being callan but no he is right in a lot of ways i mean when you're older for sure the shit breaks

more especially if you're thinking the fact that you're 36 and on top of being 36 you're also like you know you haven't you you haven't been in the best of shape so like you you were you got to that age and on top of it you were like like not eating well i just started eating healthy yeah i'm going to whole foods i went in there once high stoned drove in there i was like let me see and their salad bar was so fucking good and full of different flavors that I'm like, I can do this. It truly makes a difference to eat healthy. And people don't understand. You don't know what you're depriving yourself out of. It doesn't mean be a vegetarian either.

It means getting a lot of nutrition. It's weird, though. I just did it because it tasted okay. But after like a month, like a solid month of doing it all the time time um like eight nine of those a day yeah you know another day a week um after that i could feel better like i would feel like more and more like more energy i'm like better yeah of course it's like when you quit smoking too i'm sure it must have been the same sort of a thing got to and i would like to say that relax no i'd like to say that but it just had a real pull back huh it's always pulled you a little bit back.

I'm better off at now. The pot helps because I get that feeling of smoking something, which will relieve that little feeling. But for the longest time after that, it always pulled you, right? Oh, yeah. You just always wanted to get one. And then when you see people smoking, you're like, I want to be part of this. I want to be with you guys smoking right now. It's so weird how it's so different for different people.

Some people quit smoking and then they feel like they have so much energy and they feel so much better. And they feel like they got out from under a rock, like something was weighing them down. And then some people quit and they never quite get over that pull. They just keep trying. I had to accept. You know how they say in AA that you're powerless over the drug? Every time I'm like, I'll just have one or two a day, four a week. It's like, no, I don't have power over this.

It'll be back at half a pack to a pack every day. That's so scary. It's so scary that they made it that way. Oh, yeah. The addictive stuff isn't what gets you the good feeling. Hey, Mitt Romney, can we talk about this? Hey, Barack Obama, can we talk about this poison that kills a half a million people a year here? It kills something nutty like five million worldwide die every year from cigarettes like whoa could you imagine if you came out with some new shit like skin cream it was killing five

million people worldwide a year how long before they would pull that shit off the market that's a fucking plague that's a plague that's a new aids it's well it's an old aids it would be so many more people if we didn't have it though oh thank god for cigarettes and aids think about cigarettes and aids it really helps us out getting the freeway and still the 405 is jammed with all these people dropping off from cigarettes there's something sad to me about an old lady smoking cigarettes and i know that's stupid and hypocritical but i want to feel like an old lady should have someone in her life who loves her enough to get her to quit smoking cigarettes. To me, it's like, you did it.

You did it? You made it? You made it. You're old and you're still smoking? You got through the maze. You got through. It's like she survived the Hunger Games. There's some women that have that brassy,

they know you don't want to fuck them. It's done. It's over. They're okay with it. And so they're a different thing. It's not like a woman. They become like this really old thing who can, well, I'll tell you what, when you were my age, sonny.

I've been undesirable for 28 years. They get accustomed to it. I must be so sad, though, for a chick. Because really beautiful chicks are super powerful. They have super powers. They go into a room and everybody loves them. Oh, yeah. Absolutely.

I said this on Twitter, but I realized recently, it's like the only difference between someone who you look at as a crazy person and someone who you look at as cute or quirky is fuckability. That's true. That's the only difference. Oh, yeah. For sure. Yeah, you look back and think about some of the girls that you dated. And men, too.

Nutty. Flavor Flav. It was the same behavior then that he is now. But because he was younger and more vibrant. Oh, yeah. You're like, oh, that's okay. That guy's just a little weird. Yeah, if you want to fuck them, they become way easier to hang out with.

You justify their behavior, insane or terrible. Well, don't you think like a certain point in your life when you meet a person, they're just your sex dispenser. Yeah. Part of it, you masturbate with them. Yeah, you masturbate with them. There's people that you have legitimate relationships with there's some people that you just fucking never click with well they're also sort of both on any level they're both yeah so i've apologized

for girlfriends in my mind that have been like rude to wait staff and i later i'm like you know she likes service done right that's all but it's like in your head you're like come on yeah that's an asshole yeah and you're ignoring it people get they grow up with that shit that's the problem we're so adaptable you know if you look at all the different sort of like crazy cultures and what they condone don't condone all over the world and if you think about how similar human beings are genetically like all over the world the variation is so small but yet the behavior patterns are so radically different between like you know like what's going on right now in bahrain and what's going on right now you know at least it's amped up yeah slight

difference in beverly hills yeah i mean the same era on earth the apocalypse is going on in one place and another place you know you're walking down the street in bel-air and there's manicured lawns and everyone's friendly and it smells great fourth and there's flowers everywhere birds are chirping you get in your convertible you drive down to starbucks you sit there with your feet up on a chair everything's so great i remember it was you me diaz um and i think i think duncan might have been with us too it was one of the days after 9 11 before the plane started flying again. And we were all sitting around outside of a Starbucks or one of those coffee beans or something like that. And we were sitting around just talking about how beautiful it was.

Like, how could there be a war right now? Where we're sitting right here in Southern California. It's so far removed. It was so beautiful. So far removed. And there was no planes. There was no planes flying far removed it was so beautiful there was no planes there was no planes flying around because it was 9-11 so like you never got to hear anything fly overhead and it was like way quieter it was almost like we went back in time for a couple days it was weird man you don't realize how often you hear fucking planes especially like you live you're anywhere

near the airport those fucking things are giant you're ignored after a while yeah that's why whenever you shoot something and the sound guy has to be like, plane. And you're like, what? Oh, I didn't know. All the time. I'm a wizard at catching that shit. Because you know it's going to ruin the shot. Yeah, I'll stop people from doing things on fear factor. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

We got a plane. We got a plane. We got a plane. But yeah, we were sitting around. And I remember we were thinking, how could there be a war going on somewhere? How could there be a place of such complete disarray that planes are flying into buildings and thousands of people are dying? When you and me and Diaz are just sitting here high as fuck, drinking coffee and just kicking back, looking at the sun. Looking at this perfect weather.

We're too connected with the whole world, man. Yeah, sometimes there should be just village. We're just here now. We shouldn't worry about what's happening over there. Or a different planet or a different whatever. It's not our star system. We're just having a good time. The problem is then other people form gangs and they take over.

And they invade, just like that Mayan movie. It's almost like when people say this, like Americans, those troops are fighting for our freedom. They're not. They're not fighting for our freedom. But they are. But they are. Because someone always, throughout history, has become the baddest motherfuckers on the planet. Someone. yeah they're not but they're not fighting for our freedom but they are but they are because someone always throughout history has become the baddest motherfuckers on the planet someone whether it

was the greeks or the romans or the united states of america somebody had to dictate what the fuck happens there's no one ever done it as well as the u.s has done it yeah we've always had to do it it's been a guy in charge and so the the argument is look look, if anybody's going to do it, it should be us. Because let me tell you something. Humans desire to be ruled. As far as the rest of the world goes, we're about as nice as you can get. Yeah. As far as how we treat our own, this is about as nice as we can get.

I know. With this kind of power. But then you think, we're the only ones that ever dropped the bomb. We're the only ones that ever did that. We don't trust anybody else with it. The only person who has a loss on that is us. And we have two. We're 0-2 two what's fucked up is that we dropped two bombs yeah we we dropped the bomb and then we're like i quit i quit i can't hear you it was like those

hack emcees that open up comedy clubs yeah y'all ready for ari shafir i can't hear you here's my new joke Are y'all ready For Ari Shafir Here's my new joke Tell me what you think of this Okay I'll just do it now I don't care

Hey you guys like impressions And you know Everybody claps I'm gonna go No you don't No you don't Why'd you clap at that You know you don't want them

You don't like them It's a good joke You're telling people What they like I love it Nobody likes impressions I do Everyone claps

I'm like alright Ari you like different things Than other people. There's a man named Rich Little. He made his whole career out of making impressions of other people. In fucking 1830. How about Danny Gans? Danny Gans is where he died of pills, by the way.

No, of stress for having to do impressions all day long, every day. That ate away at his inside. What are you saying? Of pills, whatever it was. Why was he taking the pills for? Because he was in an awesome mood all the time. Sweet, sweet art. Like we said, Ari or he can get addicted

to those terrible little pills he used to do a great bit about Danny Gans did he? oh! fucking Danny Gans only in Vegas

as soon as he steps on the bus to leave Vegas when it leaves city limits like Danny Gans is taking the bus away from Vegas as soon as

everybody goes back there and spits in his face isn't that funny fuck you Gans you have to be like people have to like qualify his success.

Well, it's Vegas. He's massive. He makes millions a year. Well, Rita Rudner, too. She was one that was kind of struggling a little bit on the road. There was a bunch of

Margaret Smith was in that category of women that was like really funny women stand-up comics. But at a certain point in time, you stopped hearing about them. Margaret Smith was hilarious.

And then went to Vegas. She was like in the Kinison era. She didn't, but Rudner was from her her era and rudner carved out like a huge career for herself in vegas every time i'm there i see posters and billboards and shit she's always like a popular act in vegas yeah what's also people can look forward to seeing her again like for certain that's why the comedy scene is shit in vegas because there's so many great shows at all times why don't we go see a local guy we're, because there's so many great shows at all times. Why don't we go see a local guy?

We're seeing legends. There's 10 legends playing at any point right here. What am I going to see? Yeah, you can go see Bill Cosby. And if you're locals, you can get two for ones or comps. Yeah, you can see Bill Cosby. You can see Joe Rogan. You can see fucking Seinfeld.

Whoever you love. Damn, you just put me in with Seinfeld and Bill Cosby? Holla. You can see a lot of good comedy man we were so looking forward to doing that show i took off weeks for that i took off weeks for that so sad and we wound up we wound up bringing it to the uh the ice house can i make an announcement yeah fuck you bitch my cd is coming out my first ever cd of revenge for the holocaust whoa i like it thank you that's a good name

thank you that's beautiful is it gonna be on itunes as well it's gonna be on itunes september 25th uh it goes on sale probably this weekend dude we're gonna work today blow that fucking thing up it goes on sale today like online you can buy it and then itunes when when's the no no it's it's up to it'll it's going up to itunes today it'll probably be up there friday oh okay for pre-sale but september 25th is the official first um first sale but here's what i'm doing but you can buy a pre-sale what does that mean start buying it and then it comes out in the 25th just give me it yeah i know i'll just give it to you give it to me yeah but um you you were really happy with this one too i'm really happy with it i'm really excited and the cover my friend did the cover, and I fucking love it.

Oh, that's dope. I like that. Oh, I like that. He's an evil Jew spider. Yeah, going after a Hitler spy. That's beautiful, dude. But yeah, if you go to my website, I'm giving away four tracks. That might be one of my favorite CD covers of all time.

It's pretty sweet, right? I'm really happy with it. and giving away four tracks. That might be one of my favorite CD covers of all time. It's pretty sweet, right? I'm really happy with it. I was really thinking if I was just a non-comedian, like a kid who really was into comedy like I was at one point in time, if I ever found this in the CD aisle at the record store,

I'd be like, oh, fuck yeah. I got Ari Shaffir's new shit, Revenge for the Holocaust. I would buy that just out of general principle. Just out of like, hmm. Yeah, if I knew that that was a stand-up comic. I had an uncle that used to do that, my Uncle Vinny. He was from the era of records, but he would take me to the record store,

and he goes, I would just sometimes buy. Look through the album art? Yeah, he'll buy a record just based on its album art. And I've done that before, too, and made horrendous mistakes, especially when it comes to fantasy art. Oh, yeah. Like the swords and shit. Iron Maiden stuff is so sweet, but their music is like, hmm when it comes to fantasy art. Oh, yeah. Like the swords and shit.

Iron Maiden stuff is so sweet, but their music is like, mm. I like Iron Maiden. It's okay. I can get into some Iron Maiden. It ain't as cool as the art. The what? It ain't as cool as their artwork.

Their artwork is pretty badass. Same as Grateful Dead. It's like their artwork is way better than Death Leopard. Iron Maiden's that monster, right? Yeah. Eddie. Coming bad out of hell. Yeah, yeah.

Bad out of hell. And you know what they do? This is what they do. They have a few tour shirts for the year. Coming at bat out of hell. Yeah. Yeah. Bat out of hell. And you know what they do? This is what they do. They have a few tour shirts for the year. They will never reproduce that art. They're done selling that shirt forever after that. They have a North American tour and it's done. That doesn't make sense to me.

Keep selling it. People want to buy it. Every year a new shirt. And so now you have a 2010 shirt. Someone else has a 2007 shirt. You're all at fucking the same festival. I get it. But what if the 2007 shirt is awesome and I want to buy one yeah i know i want to be able to buy the old

collector's items i feel like you should just keep selling them i think i feel like that too but i like something about like we were there and you had to be there to get you know what i don't like about it you artificially control the supply like you decide that's only we're only going to release 250 why if a thousand people want them sell a thousand you crazy fuck why are you creating a mad clam? Yeah, only get it live. What about the people who can't see you live? What if a million people want to buy your crazy fucking hat?

You're only going to sell ten hats? This is a limited edition run of ten hats. Sell all the hats. Anyway, I'm giving away four tracks for free if you go to my website. Beautiful. AriTheGreat.com or AriShafir.com. Just go there. I'm honestly really happy with it,

and I think if you listen to it, you'll be a fan. So four tracks absolutely for it you'll be a fan so four tracks why are you pumping your own shit up like that i do like it i like it let me do it okay help me out ari shafir i've known ari shafir for a long fucking time and i took ari on the road with me when ari was like in that stage of stand-up comedy like uh you were like a couple years and how many years and we probably five five years five but i was like you were there and not you you could have some great nights and you could say but i've watched you rookie mistakes yeah but you made some fucking great moments too rookie mistakes are fine it's the the real problem is the lack of the great moments in with the rookie mistakes you would have like hilarious bits and then you would clunk one in there but that's everybody does that yeah you just were trying to find like you know

find the footage to be too too out there too little whatever it is yeah we feel yourself pushing a bit too hard but i've watched you transform into like a real legit headliner it's been fucking cool especially over the last couple of years because of uh doing a lot of podcasts and you know doing a lot of internet related stuff you got you know especially the you got really famous for the the uh the the racist stuff the amazing racist stuff and then you know from that to like you know seeing your stand-up you know like and you know you put out no one ever came to see me from that, though. Yeah. Here or there. But it's all podcast stuff now, right? It's all people coming to see you from the podcast.

And then remembering that other stuff. It's like, I also liked you when you did that stuff. And it's people that have come to Vegas when we performed. I've seen you perform before. Did that help? That's the best one. You and I have done thousands of shows. If you stop and think about all the fucking shows that we did

in all the different places and all the different Friday nights where we did two shows the fucking shows that we did and all the different places and all the different friday nights where we did two shows and saturday nights where we did two shows then we did a show on sunday and sometimes we did thursday too yeah yeah yeah we did a lot we started at four day weeks yeah i watched yeah we got too crazy it's so that that's like not a comfortable way to do the road when you're doing the road that's four and five days out at a time it's like get me fucking home this is home for one day yeah you gotta manage like the uncomfort with the the like what are you getting out of it i've had to do that but then the problem is this it's like i

told you i have like three weeks and i'll have like a week off then i have another three weeks like i need that week off right but then dc improv calls and you're like fuck i gotta go there the crazy thing is even the week off it's like why not go on stage yeah well that's what i would do at home go to the comedy store and do it there. We have the greatest job in the history of the world. And it's not an easy job. It's hard to figure out how to get really good at it. But once you get good at it, then it becomes easy.

And it's the most rewarding shit of all time. We did the Ice House this past weekend. We did two shows there. And it was fucking sensational. Fucking sensational. Friday and Saturday. Friday is always a little weird because people are tired. And we do a late show.

It's like a 10.30 show on Friday. So it doesn't really start till 11. And people have been working all day. And then they start drinking. It's hard to keep. Friday and late is usually the worst show of the week. But they were still great. They were still great.

And Saturday was off the fucking chain. Saturday was amazing. And Bob Fisher came on stage and brought up a bottle of champagne and you know that's so cool he's a sweetheart that's a long way from having to hide the fact that you're drinking on stage at the tempe improv have to put it in a flask and say it's apple juice isn't that the most ridiculous to have me and bring on stage to you isn't that the most ridiculous shit like literally of all time he's had some great shows he's had some great times we we literally did that we we brought a flask on stage you wouldn't let us drink they said it was a state

law or something they made up a law because christian's on the place they made up a law it's so stupid and i had to say to the owner i said listen man i go this place is filled with people that want to see us get crazy okay we want to get crazy they wouldn't let us drink yeah i go let's i want to do a couple shots yeah like come on man i'm here to start a party i'm here to do a stand-up comedy show i like to have fun let's have some fun i know what i'm doing okay i'm not a child and they wouldn't serve it to the green room and then red van got a great idea and rogan fucking funded it we got whiskey in a flask and i got a bunch of bottles yeah yeah put in that back corner got fucked up.

We just kept saying, can I have some more Coca-Cola? We just got blasted on Coca-Cola. They couldn't figure out what was going on. We were tipping the waitress to have $100 for Coca-Cola. But then somebody ratted you out. Well, yeah. It was one of the waitresses.

One of the waitresses was... She was a familiar to the Demon King. Tell me, what have they done down at the club? This one wears alcohol on stage. Nonsense! He is not allowed! Cannot be true!

He drinks alcohol on stage. Remember when we got there? The heretic. We got there and we were in the parking lot. Joey Diaz is already inside. He's getting mad at you. We're in the parking lot. A couple minutes early. Let's smoke a joint. We'll go in. Diaz that at you yeah we're in the parking lot a couple minutes early like a smoker joint yeah then we'll go in yeah

do you start the show we'll be in a couple minutes music wasn't even on i called like dan wants to talk to you he's like what why he goes the fuck we had to delay the show for 30 minutes because you people are standing in the rain i'm like what what rain what minutes what are you talking about he would just make shit up it was the first time i've ever talked back to a club owner he goes he goes well you're not going on this show. And I'm like, I am damn well going on this show. This is the only reason I'm here. I don't give a fuck about the money. I'm going on this show.

You almost got that loud. I didn't get that loud. I said, Dan, I'm going on. And then I got super worried. You got really heartbeaty. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dan, I'm going on. And then I go, dude, you're going on.

Stop it. That helps a lot. Get the fuck out of here. Well, at a certain point in time, what we would do, the way we do it, and the improvs are like some of the most professionally run clubs in the country, but at a certain point in time, we would take over the room. That's what we do for the night. Well, we took over the room.

A lot of clubs you go to, like even when Callan goes on the road, Callan doesn't do it the same way we do it. What Callan does is he goes there and they have an opening act and a middle act that they book. And he just shows up. He's the headliner. That way he doesn't have to pay as much for you know those people's airfare and all the other shit that i pay for yeah but for me i'm like what are you doing like you can't you don't take over the room that way then then then you have to like deal with on a show yeah then you're just a part of an act and you're a part of a comedy club experience yeah it's way more whole fucking night that way yeah so we would what we would do is say listen we're going to provide the opening act we're going to provide the middle act

and it's not up to them to say yes or no it's like i i've got a long long long reputation of bringing funny people on the road with me i always bring headliners on the road with me so you know it's going to be a top level act so don't worry about that and if it's a matter of whether or not you know you think my my my audience can't handle it well that's not if it's a matter of whether or not you think my audience can't handle it, well, that's not your – it's not up to you to decide. Because you brought the whole audience. Yeah, I brought the whole crowd. Usually they're dealing with people who – you might bring 20% of the audience, 10%. Right.

So he tried to get crazy. But I was like, no, he can't get crazy. We bought the room. We essentially have a contract. You can't just break the contract because you decide that a guy is late like that's crazy he's really working for me i'm a private contractor right yeah i'm a subcontractor to this contract we don't make me fucking smack you bitch yeah sit the fuck down crazy asshole he was just a dude who'd like to party and he would come to work the next day with a headache and he'd get just fucking grumpy as shit when i'm when i meet

a dude like that honestly i mean i love danny murr um and i'm not talking about him in particular because i really never had a problem with that people like that yeah he me he and i never had a problem you know he was upset at me once because i came into town to do a theater uh and i didn't do his club but the only reason why i did is because this radio station promoted it like to me it was like this radio station had played um myoodoo Panani song. It became the number one song in Phoenix. Only in Phoenix.

Yeah, so they wanted me to come in and do a show for them. I couldn't say no. It was like 1999. I couldn't say no. Nobody ever offered to put me in a theater before. Like, holy shit, this radio station is going to take me to a gamble. Yeah, you're like, dude, no offense to the other club. I'm sorry.

It's not against you. Yeah, come on. Just got an offer for something. you know recognize but but when i when i see a dude who gets like snippy and snappy like that i get sad because i know that that's just a person whose chemical system is just completely out of fucking whack yeah he's just unhealthy how the fuck could we there's no way that guy's healthy that guy's a mess yeah he's you know his whole system he was always tired. And, you know, when you see people and you know their shit's not flowing well, you just

really, like, you, don't you see that now, like, when you're eating healthy? Yeah. You feel how much different your body feels? And, of course, it would react the opposite way when you eat the opposite. Yeah. Coming on the road with you, probably that, the comedy store, and maybe my upbringing were probably the biggest influences on my stand-up. Those three things.

Seeing those big crowds and then being able to temper it with fucking shitty eight-person rooms at the store. Well, something happened along the way within the last few years where people started recognizing you. And they knew to expect you. Whereas I used to bring you up and the real meatheads would be like where's Rogan? Where's Rogan? Bring Rogan up! The real douchey dudes that I really got rid of almost all of them now. But then a couple times you found it just here a little a little by little a couple people like are you going up tonight? I was like really? You know me ahead of time? Yeah and I would see it on the forums and shit. I hope Ari comes with them. And then somewhere along the line, it'd be, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ari Shaffir.

Yeah, they're all excited for it. That's weird lately, man. The Diaz ones that I've been recording. It's like everywhere they're trying to top themselves. Because now it's become some sort of a crazy competition. Because in Denver, they went fucking berserk. They went berserk. Winnipeg in 2010 was the first time I saw that on a large-scale level. Because I don'terk they went berserk winnipeg in 2010 was

the first time i saw that on a large scale level because i don't think you've ever played winnipeg i've never been back it was my favorite show of 2010 it was crazy man and um that was the only place i could do like that back then it was a two or three level place and they went so crazy while i was on but i could when i right when i walked on they like as you were saying introduction notes they were like they start clapping yeah because they know who it is i just say credits yeah i i was for whatever reason man my comedy took off in canada before it ever did in america like i would i would do way better in theaters in canada remember we would do like calgary we'd have to do two shows well i did two shows recently two shows at that fucking jack singer

concert hall yeah and we did a show where they sold out like an extra, I don't know how many seats, but they had to bring them on stage. So we had people on the stage with us. On the stage with us. Yeah. But it was like, they gave us the option of that or those people get refunded and they have to go home. I was like, fuck that, man.

I was like, yeah, we can't let them go out. I'm like, this is going to be a cool story. Because these people had like babysitters and shit. I mean, who knows what kind of... Yeah, they thought they could take the rafters out and get it behind us but then they couldn't do that they couldn't do that it was at least 80 people oh yeah it was a lot of people the stage was humongous we didn't need it all yeah it was we don't need it all then we're like give some to them and it was became fodder you know it became kind of funny then you know you're standing next

to someone who's in a chair who's just watching you you're trying to act out a hump out you're in some old lady's face you're like so sorry about this ma'am yeah you gotta do this here you're looking at their drink going, that's delicious. What is that? That looks awesome. Is that salted? Oh, nice. I did Doug Benson's interruption yesterday.

Did you like that? No, not the interruption. Doug loves movies. And some guy in the front row was bringing out those purple, the grape Twizzlers. And I was like, oh. He gave me the sign of, do you want one? I nodded, and he threw one up to me. It was awesome.

That's awesome. Yeah, it was delicious. It's one grape Twizzler. You can interact with people a solid solid piece of candy yeah it's a good good invention it doesn't taste anything like grape we were talking about this the other day oh no podcast that like we have a we've accepted a fake grape taste for grape soda grape gum does anything like a real grape yeah but when you eat you eat it, you go, oh, that's grape. Yeah. You accept it as being a fake grape. You know, like cherry soda. Yeah.

Cherry soda. Unless you're getting some like legit deli cherry soda. That's maraschino cherry juice. Yeah. That's what that is. It's like candy cherry. Yeah, it's not really cherries.

Yeah. Cherry soda's pretty fucking good though, isn't it? Cherry Coke? It's pretty rare. You know, if you're really looking to wreck your fucking immune system

and you're eating like a pastrami sandwich with you know fucking thousand island dressing slopping off the sides of it and you have a cherry coke oh yeah give me craziness i want more sugar i love it too when they're like we don't have the grenadine can we pour the juice in i was like yeah pour the juice oh my god you go that deep yeah one time at denny's we're all eating there and i asked her for cherry like put the cherry juice and she didn't know and she poured the thing out but it was all the peanuts had like leaked over in their sunday area the sunday area the peanuts floating in it and i was out of like what is peanuts doing in here and then i realized what it was so she just poured the whole sunday area thing over to get the cherry juice out wow yeah yeah that's a little too much sugar for your system

son not my system it's like yeah yeah it's so bad for you to drink that much sugar to eat that much sugar yeah so they like i keep reading shit about sugar how bad it is i gotta try to wean off it why does it taste so goddamn good because when i haven't had it in a while because i eat so much of it when i haven't had it in a while i get low blood sugar because i'm used to it now you know what dude you know what you can't fuck with haagen-dazs chocolate ice cream it's delicious holy shit it's good if you invest in a quality ice cream bar or chocolate bar sometimes when you're like nothing let me just get nestle's that's okay but let me go above and beyond i'm gonna haagen-dazs oh this is done better dude the haagen-dazs one that's a dollar extra dark chocolate bar it's dark chocolate on the outside

With chocolate on the inside You ever go to a real Haagen-Dazs place Where they dip in the chocolate Let it melt right on there for you? Fuck yes, son Those are awesome Yeah, and you don't know, by the way None of you know

What ice cream tastes like Unless you smoke pot You think You think You think you know what a sundae tastes like bitch you're living in a dream you are you're sucking a dick through a roll of toilet paper you're not feeling it you're not feeling it you're not getting the full experience there's no better part of my depression than when i had was taking some medication to let me have hyperphagia where I would never feel full. Really? I would get stoned and not feel full.

And just for an hour, just eat syrup and whipped cream. Just more and more. Did you hit the wall? It was so good. I had to tell myself, you're done. But what did you feel like? Did you feel exhausted from all the sugar? No.

You would just get a little more weight down. Dude, I would eat for three hours. I would eat until there was nothing left to eat. Oh, my God. It was so good. When you get high, you can finish off anything. Wow, dude. That seems dangerous.

Oh, yeah. To get so you can't get full. Can't your stomach explode? Can't you eat too much and your stomach explodes? They warn you. I have to be like, okay, eight plates of spaghetti. Probably that's enough. Can it break?

I mean, your stomach can break, right? I don't know. Do those eater guys, those professional eaters? You probably barf. barf you throw up i guess it's like drinking a gallon of milk you can't do it because your body would make you throw it up is that true that's this rumor really well i guess there's not enough room yeah and you would want to drink but then imagine if you could drink a gallon of milk what your fucking stomach would look like it's really crazy yeah i bet joey diaz could drink a gallon of milk we had and me and david taylor's talk show we had mark hatchwell's gonna come in and try to see joey diaz is a big guy i'd be willing to let him try he's not gonna do it you don't think he could do

it he doesn't want to be he doesn't want to be a human like no he would not gonna make fun of my he wouldn't do it but if he wanted to do it he could do it i think he couldn't you don't think he'd do it no so it's a physiological thing no one can do it it's like you can't eat a piece of white bread or two pieces of white bread what about like a tim sylvia like a giant dude i say no you don't think you could do it i even say big ben big ben rothwell yeah really yeah you couldn't drink oh no nelson who's the guy with the roy nelson yeah you don't think i bet next time we see roy nelson let's try to ask him well he'd be fighting i guess so he can't do it when he's fighting in the middle of that or later you can't say hey this is a good fight hey can you drink a gallon of milk

just totally blow off the fact that I just fought to the death against Shane Carwin now that you're not training anymore can we interest you in filming you drinking if Nelson is out there please film that listen man I have a podcast

and we're regularly number 40 on iTunes and I'd be willing to to actually put this online if you would uh drink a gallon of milk do you think you can drink a gallon i say you can't do it film the whole thing and watch him start barfing wow well i don't know man you and i should be the ones to talk about that actually because we were there for the opium anthony big bird challenge how much do you think that guy drank because he was like the 70 shots double shot just one double shot every every minute what's a double shot i don't know what is a double shot is like that big how many ounces though i don't know we'd have to find out the exact amounts he drank 70 something

shots of eggnog he got over yeah i think that's a gallon dude maybe it seems why do you think that's a gallon, dude. Maybe. Why do you think that? Just because? I don't know. I'm totally making it up. It's not like 60 times 2. I'm completely making it up. I don't have a fucking clue. I would just think that if I bought a gallon of eggnog and I poured 70 people drinks from it, I would be shocked. You'd be out of it. I would be shocked at the economy of this gallon.

Yeah, you're right. Yeah, he did it. He did it. He drank more than a gallon. What was his name? Pat from Woonaki. Pat, you're right. Yeah, he did it. He did it. He drank more than a gallon. What was his name? Pat from Woonake. Pat from Woonake. Because if you watch the video

of Pat from Woonake hurling, and I'm not going to play anything for you. Oh my God. But you were there live with me. I was there live. We were there in the studio. So was Bert. So was Norton.

So was Opie and Anthony. Was Red Band there too? Red Band was not there. He was not there. Holy shit, was it crazy. Oh my, and the smell. And E-Rock was there. They had a kid named Pat Duffy.

This is what happened, folks. They had this nutty eggnog drinking contest. And Pat Fumunaki, who's a giant of a man. He's an enormous, enormous fellow. Katsuta Kenny was there. Another giant of a man. Huge, enormous guy, this Pat Fumunaki. And he's the current champ.

So he is keeping his fucking crown, okay? By the way, he's diabetic. So he has to immediately... Oh, he's so crazy. Oh, by the way. By the way, that's why Opie Anthony is the most awesomest radio show in the history of radio. I mean, that's just...

Who the fuck else would do that maybe well stern would do that too um so anyway they have this fucking guy pat funaki who's you know he can only keep it in his system for a certain amount of time he's got otherwise he will die he has to get rid of it he's gotta die he's gotta get rid of it because he could die like literally from sugar overload and then there's two yeah he has to give himself a shot of insulin so there's i mean a massive amount of shit going on here. But he's still playing. He didn't let that stop him. He's still winning.

He's dominating. He's still a warrior. So he says, I'm going to blow soon. I'm going to blow soon. And then somehow or another, I get this crazy idea where I say, how about somebody leans over the garbage can and opens their mouth and he throws up in your mouth. Directly into your mouth.

And I'm thinking, there's no way anybody... I'm saying something ridiculous. I'm saying something like when Red Band's on the podcast and he says, why don't you just eat your own poop? He doesn't really mean it. He's trying to say something completely ridiculous for funny. That's what I was trying to do. I was thinking, just for a joke, why don't I say...

I have a joke about something. You say something as a joke, but they take you completely seriously. Well, this Pat Duffy motherfucker said, I'm game. This guy would do anything. It silenced the room. He would catch a bullet with his dick. This dude was an animal. Him saying, I'm game, was like a...

Like what? And then someone said... I don't remember if they said why it was happening. Who named it the baby bird? Somebody else. Was it Norton? It might have been Vinnie Brand. It might have been Vinnie Brand. Someone else was there. Some other person was there said why it was happening. Who named it the Baby Bird? Somebody else. Was it Norton? It might have been Vinnie Brand. It might have been Vinnie Brand.

Someone else was there. Some other person was there. And Bird was there. Yeah. Bird came in just because he watched it the year before. And he said, I want to be a part of that one this year. Those guys are so... No one will understand.

If you've ever done a radio show that's been rigid and stiff and the people are nuts, you'll never understand ONA. There's moments on ONA. I bought a Baby Bird t-shirt. I said i said fuck it one of the only shirts i'll buy here's another thing that happened on ona we convinced stalker patty who's this uh crazy lady who comes to the studio it was like a 49 year old virgin she's really nuts too we convinced her that she was on drugs we took uh you're gonna take a leak we don don't. We convinced her that she had taken a drug, that we had put a drug... No, thanks, man. I'm good.

And completely psychosomatic, started having massive hallucinations. So Ari pulls his ball sack out. Your cock and balls or just your balls? Cock and balls. Cock and balls. Could be balls. No, I think cock and balls.

She was sitting there like like we we we had her completely convinced with like sound effects and shit that she was just tripping her balls they had somebody put a rabbit suit on yeah run around the room once yeah and then run out who was that i don't remember but it was that was either roland or eroc that was one of those two guys eroc it was good fun with a crazy person but what you did to take it to the next level so you pulled your cock and balls out which you probably could never do now because you did this before they uh got kicked off the air for that condoleezza rice thing remember that oh yeah that'd be too rapey for them now yeah that homeless guy said a lot of crazy shit like he wanted to

rave condoleezza rice and like you guys didn't even say that what did he say he said he wants to love her hard he wants to love her until she loves it. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, well, that's just... It was innuendo for rape, possibly. I hear girls like that. They like it if they love it.

I hear it, too, when they say, I love when you do that. They like that. But that's not rape. Yeah. Is that what he said? For real? Something like that. Yeah, it was just taken out of context and split up.

I thought he said something way more fucked up than that. I remember it being pretty racy. And the queen, too. He was going to hold her down and make her love him. The queen. The queen of England. That's a homeless guy. He's a homeless guy.

Who cares what he says? Yeah, I just think that's pretty funny. Why would they suspend the show for that? That's so silly. Yeah, but you gave me a look. I was sitting at the, because there wasn't enough room. I was sitting on the couch, and you just gave me a look. And it was like, oh, am I welcome to do things here?

And those guys, Op and Anthony, were so cool. Because I knew I was only there hanging out with you. But I was like, I think they're okay if I play here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they totally were. Oh, yeah. Well, they're all about. There's never like a level.

You're not. That's a good point. They never do that shit. Yeah, that's a real good point. Like, oh, you're a comic? You're a friend of his? Cool. How are you?

Yeah. And well, that's how some of their best guests come about and then they've they've made some of their best guests famous you know when i first started going to uh new york i couldn't get on their show man i was in jersey yeah i wasn't alone enough you know i was doing uh they already had a show back then yeah they were doing the afternoons and i would really i would do uh rascals rascals comedy and um in jersey i forget where it was orange west orange i think it was yeah west orange and um really nice club but i but i you know it's hard to get people to come in back then because i was a nobody i was like headlining but i was on like hardball you know what i mean like nobody nobody knew who the fuck i was so i would

do a show and it'd be half empty um so but if you got an opiate anthony you packed that place like they would always talk about jay moore jay moore did opiate anthony and he would just pack the fucking club pack he just wanted in yeah i was like well if i could get there god but i couldn't get on i wasn't i didn't have enough clout so once i started doing it was like ah so fun yeah you know they're nuts man they've done some nutty fucking stunts but this guy leaned over a trash can tilted his head back like he was getting his hair shampooed at a barber pat from munaki all 300 plus pounds of them this enormous man who has drank i believe it was 74 shots and i'm being conservative he beat the last guy that drank a couple more while the other guy got ready he beat his own record and he was like yeah that's

what he did he went to beat his record and then he was like alright that's about it that's all I got and so this guy actually did what I suggested this Pat Duffy guy did lean over the barrel because that was a height of fear factor so it was like a perfect fear factor thing and Pat from Woonaki did what can only be described as a comic book

throw up in this guy's mouth like nowhere in the world has anyone thrown up on a person the way he did it. There's no way it's been done. There's a still picture and it looks like he is enveloping. Like a spider breaking down

with its fluids. I should also say that Pat from Woonaki also was a competitive eater. Oh, was he really? Yeah, yeah. He didn't just win this eggnog challenge.

He's done... One stop in the career. great career he's had a career in competitive eating where he's been fairly successful he's an extraordinary man when it comes to volume so he's got this killing it fucking this this broken fire hydrant spew coming out of his mouth where we're going no we're screaming and i mean and it lasts it lasts way more than should be real it seems like it's photoshopped if we weren't there and if it wasn't from a bunch of different angles and shitty cell phone footage i think our version is that one of us had a cell phone that was recording it, but it's so crazy. Oh, my gosh. It's so crazy.

The volume is so insane. It's so cartoonish. It's so comic book-ish. It's just, it's The Exorcist. I mean, it's insane. And then after we left and there's barf everywhere, we were out of the studio 10 minutes later. We're like, hey, Ron and Fez, enjoy this smell. Yeah, no shit. We just left it to them.

Yeah, in these giant like big garbage pails filled with throw up and there's plastic all over the floor i mean stunk the air conditioner come on and the waft would hit you it was chaos it was pre-merger they had a lot more freedom back then you know and that was that was the regular radio virgin right yes yes that was fm that was k-rock oh my god that was awesome there was so much fun and then the rest of the day we were like in bliss like we got to see something fucked up yay we saw something fucked up we were so like the equivalent i'm realizing now when you talked about the bliss room because we were we were happy yeah it's the equivalent of when a girl blows you in the morning.

And the rest of the day, you just feel good. That's pretty hot. Yeah. It is. It's close to it. Yeah, we had achieved this moment of like, especially as comedians. We're just like, yay, us. Yeah, comedians want to see fucked up things.

We want to see things that are ridiculous. Because right after that, we had that whole thing with jamie jamie uh masada from the laugh factory who just by the way dom just i did his his podcast over there and he goes while jamie's there he goes jamie how come you don't put ari on he's got a following i put him on i'm like jamie it's cool if you don't but no you know you don't never hear wow but like uh yeah but he's like okay i put you on now he's like actively trying to get me in there. That's beautiful. Dom is completely on our side. It's really nice of him to do that. Dom's a good guy, man.

Dom quits drinking. He quit drinking recently. He's experienced this rejuvenation in the way he feels and about stand-up comedy. Yeah, and doing the podcast a few times. Stand-up is a lot of people coming out to see him from the podcast. They come up to him afterwards. That's right. Yeah, the quitting the podcast a few times. Stand-up is, you know, a lot of people coming out to see him from the podcast, you know, that come up to him afterwards. That's right. Yeah, the quitting the drinking thing is fucking.

You're going to have more iPod guys. Giants, man. Oh, yeah, you have mine. He's a great guy. Yeah. He's an interesting dude, too. And Donovan Ray is like the most honest, don't-give-a-fuck guy left on earth. Yeah.

His famous line that I always quote is, I wish I was gay just so I could come out of the closet. That's how little I give a fuck. Anyway, if you go to my website, Ari the Great, four free tracks. Go there and get four free tracks for nothing. Are you coming with me afterwards here to go see my studio? Are you going to see it? Yeah. Let's go movie what movie the one you were talking about oh the jewish will ferrell no the will ferrell movie oh yeah i would go see that okay let me i might have to do some baby shit though i've got uh you know little girls i might have i might have i have to remember

whether or not i committed to doing okay okay you get like sometimes i say okay we'll go do that later and i don't remember about it and then my I say, okay, we'll go do that later. And I don't remember. And then you stop thinking about it. And then my wife has to go, you promised you would do that later. Like, they get mad. Yeah. You can't disappoint.

Did you hear that shit? Oh, that was that. That came through. Yeah, they get a little shout. Because it means a lot to them. That's the thing I'd be so worried about with kids. You make an offhanded statement, and they take it forever.

It doesn't matter. You just, you know, make sure that you don't disappoint them. It's more of a responsibility, but the reward of it is amazing. It's hard to really wrap your head around. Because I've been like you before. I've been single and to be like, it's the last thing I want to fucking care. Believe me.

I was like the voice of that before. Here's my new thing I realized, though. You just really don't understand what it's like until you have that experience. Okay, but I get that. I get that. There is a whole different side of it. And there are benefits that I can't understand. And there's negatives that I can't understand what it's like until you have that okay but here's i get that i get that there is a whole different side of it and there are benefits that i can't understand right and there's negatives that i can't understand either sure i can just sort of wrap my head around but like um what was i gonna say fuck oh the decision to whether or not you should have a baby

should be thought of that should be thought of before randomly some girl says hey i'm pregnant oh yeah you should already be decided can we have a baby now or not not like wow maybe we should do this that's not the right time to think about it yeah my um the the two-year-old was the one that we did on purpose yeah it was like planned out and everything and i was happy for the the other daughter as well i mean super happy i remember when you told me about it as we were playing pool it was crazy But super happy But planning for one Is kind of a different thing Like you're planning

Yeah How is it different? And it sounds so gay We're trying to get pregnant Like no You know She's trying to get pregnant Stupid

Yeah You're just fucking her Right You know We're trying to get pregnant We're pregnant No you're not You're not pregnant

That's the trade off Shut up We have to pay you alimony For fucking 40 years But we get to say We are pregnant It's just some beta shit It's just some beta shit

That men fall into Once they get their wife pregnant And they say we are pregnant? It's just some beta shit. It's just some beta shit that men fall into once they get their wife pregnant and they become just your testosterone drops. It's really scientifically proven. Because you mimic their behavior sort of?

Well, you become a nester. You know, your testosterone drops when you're around babies and you're around your wife and it's also probably trying to calm you down

to make you a little bit more patient. Nature knows what the fuck it's doing. I had a rabbi once in sixth grade, Rabbi, not Cracker, but anyway, he said the reason down to make you a little bit more patient. Nature knows what the fuck it's doing. I had a rabbi once in 6th grade. Rabbi, not Cracker, but anyway, he said the reason God makes

babies cute is so we don't kill them. I used to do that in my act. Oxytocin. It's something that your brain produces when you see your babies. It's an incredible feeling of love and connection. This incredible drug. It's the same drug that's released in women when they're orgasm.

Really? The joke in my accident. And then it's to keep you from eating them when you get really hungry. That's the reason why a baby produces oxytocin. When you see them, you literally... It produces that in you, a drug. Yeah, you literally get drugged. I mean, it's all set up.

It's set up so that we keep breathing. It's not an accident that when you're around a chick, your dick gets hard, you get all attracted to her. Like this girl that has superpowers that you're talking about. You're talking about like a beautiful girl. She's got a superpower. She can walk into a room and everybody wants to fuck her, and so she's confused and she acts crazy, but no one cares. They won't tolerate anything because she's built like Tracy Lords.

I think there's something to also the chemicals on you or something. There's this new girl that's hanging out at the store. She's this comic. And everybody, yeah, everyone walks by her. And she's not super gorgeous. And she doesn't dress slutty or anything. She's just dirty. But yeah, she's just dirty.

She's a dirty girl. And everybody walks by her. And everyone's like, what's that girl's deal? Like, I've heard a thousand comics ask. And it's just, she's exuding something, some chemical some chemical yeah there's girls that are just sexy man there's girls that are not that good looking but they're fucking give you a look something comes i don't know what it is and by the way studyable right sex with them is always way better than sex with a girl who's really pretty but not into it you want someone to be into it it's weird what what

is even if you're chubby once the guy's willing to fuck you, let it all out. Don't worry about like, oh, you shouldn't look at this. That's what I'm talking about. Let it go. Let it go, baby. We're happier there.

If he throws up, he throws up. Exactly. He ain't gonna. Yeah, people used to love those porns were really fat guys would fuck girls.

I remember there was a magazine called Sluts and Slobs. That's what people liked looking at. Hot girls getting fucked by slobs yeah it was one of

my favorite all time magazines slobs is such a great word because it was slobs man slobs you're a slob

it was dudes with like spaghetti stains on tank tops and shit with big fat stomachs they were dressed as slobs too oh yeah yeah yeah

yeah the whole fantasy was that these dudes were just slinging dick like a bunch of Mike Blacks with ketchup oh Rainworths and bunch of Mike Blacks with ketchup. Oh, Rainworths and Mike Blacks.

Mike Blacks are a fairly handsome man. We're talking about really fucking sweaty guys. Oh, man. Yeah, dude, we've had some good times on the road. Some crazy shit. Oh, fuck yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. Well, the camaraderie that comes from being a stand-up comedian, it's hard for a lot...

We talk about comedy all the time. We talk about the art form of comedy. And a lot of times people are like, why do you guys talk about comedy too much? I don't relate to it. You've got to understand that for us. It sounds so stupid, but it's almost like a sacred topic.

Yeah, but also there's things you can get from it too if you're listening. The way Greg Jackson talks about it, he always asks me questions about stand-up. He's always like, so what do you do when you're not doing well? What do you do when you are doing well? Well, he's into mental games. Yeah, but he sees the similarities between what he's trying to train and what we're doing in all the arts.

Well, there's a similarity in truth. And if you don't hit the right notes in comedy, it's clunky and awkward. One of the right steps on the stage. Yeah, we all know that there's a bit that you've done, everybody's got a bit, that if you heard it today, you would cringe. Because you know it's clunky. You got into it bad right well that that used to be like like approach that i would use with you know martial arts techniques like i had some bad approaches that i had like when i was a blue belt or a green belt that i would use in a tournament that i would never use as a black

belt they're they're they're terrible approaches might work but they're full of mistakes they're full of they're open you get oh you You just attack. You go wide open. You can't do that. You have to have feints and you have to have movement. You have to learn what will throw a guy off and what doesn't throw a guy off. And there's moments when you look back on the beginning jokes and it's like, just clunky, dog shit material. My point is anyone that's listening can relate to that in something they've done, where they were bad at something and now they're better.

Because if you're not, you're a bitch. If you've lived your life and never got good at something, what the fuck are you? Yeah, what have you done? You're crazy. You've missed out on what's... Look, it's hard to do shit. It's difficult and it's scary. But that's what friends are for.

Friends cushion all that shit. One of the things that Randy Couture said, really kind of a cool thing that he said about fighting. He said that if you love your friends and love your family, they're going to love you if you win or lose. You don't have to worry about that. But that is something that people think about. Like you base your worth and your value on winning and it becomes too much of a big deal to you. It becomes like everything. It becomes your whole life.

I heard this about kids recently. That you shouldn't say good job when they get a good grade or something because that is unintentionally instilling in them that they are only successful in your eyes or good in their eyes when they're winning. Do you want to create a team full of pussies or what? What the fuck are you saying, Jafir?

I'm hearing the baby books. I think those baby books are written by cunts. It's impossible who knows crazy fuckheads who don't know shit about

I'm just talking shit that's crazy I think people like to be reinforced I think positive reinforcement for jobs what they said

what you're supposed to do is job well tried if they're trying hard that's what you're supposed to reward nonsense success that sounds like

some socialist bullshit put into target by liberals designed to slow down the marathon. Somebody doesn't want to see a sub-three-hour marathon. What's that? A four-minute mile and a three-hour marathon.

I think they all run at a three-minute marathon. That Paul Ryan character. No, they don't all run. Like the champions. That's why that Paul Ryan dude tried to sneak in that he ran a sub-three-hour marathon, and they called him on it. He didn't? No, no, no.

It was like 358? It was more than four hours. It was documented. Why do the people lie? All of them are so stupid. Are you going to vote this year? No. You're not going to?

I'm thinking of not voting. You've said in the past you think it's all ridiculous. This is the year that I really... If you really believe that, then there's no reason to waste your day no i just spend another day with your kids i i think with the electoral college system that's in place and anybody that's telling me that obama is better than mitt romney then mitt romney is the goddamn holocaust if that's what you're telling me if you tell me that obama is that mitt romney is is going to be worse than obama when you think about all the shit that's happened in this country to civil liberties

over the last couple years whether people are aware about all the shit that's happened in this country to civil liberties over the last couple of years, whether people are aware of it or not, it's almost like this country is tightening up and getting ready for civil war. Like they're getting scared that there's going to be civil unrest. So they're putting all these things into place where they can spy on you, and all these things in place that are fucking completely un-American

and completely unconstitutional. And then they went and re-read the Constitution, re-wrote, rather, the Constitution. They took out things like posse comitinus, I believe it is, the ability to use the military to stop civil unrest. Oh, really? Instead of police? Yes.

The American military can now be used to stop civil unrest. They can now arrest you for shit, and they don't have to bring you to trial, and they can hold you as long as they want. You have no recourse. Oh, wow. And this is all for American citizens that's the stuff we set up because someone's going

to abuse that power exactly no matter who it is and they say they will never use it and Obama's like we'll never use this it doesn't matter

it's written down now how about someone that's being born right now who grows up in 40 years to become the president you're saying he'll never use it there's a reason why

we had all this shit set up a long time ago to make sure that you didn't involve church and state. I think we've got to rewrite the Constitution. Of course we do. We've got to rewrite a brand new one. Of course we do. Because that stuff that happened 200 years ago has nothing to do with us.

You can't have a Constitution that was written before the internet. That's nonsense. The ability to exchange. Before electricity? Yeah. Well, look, they knew the concepts of classic societies. They knew the concepts of what was going to cause people to fall apart, what's going to cause people to give in to their id,

what's going to cause people to be corrupt and to go wrong. And so they prevented all that shit. They prevented freedom of speech. You've got to be able to say whatever the fuck you want to say. You can't stop people from talking. You've got to let people express themselves. You've got to allow people to protest. You have to allow people to organize. You've got to let people express themselves. You've got to allow people to protest. You have to allow people to organize.

You've got to let them be armed. There's all these things they set in place because they knew. Because they know if you get all the arms and we have none, you're going to abuse that. And that's something that liberal people don't want to accept. The problem in this world is the gun problem. No, the problem in this world is there's crazy people. Yeah, that's the thing. You have to allow for that.

There will be people. You might not, but some people will. And so then you have to defend yourself. Well, we have to if that's another sickness. You're you have to allow for that there will be people you might not but some people will and so you have to defend yourself we have to if that's another sickness it's a sickness in society that we have to address why are we creating sick people why are we creating crazy people why are we creating violent people and that can be resolved with time and education and some form of action some form of social, I believe that you're going to be able to at least cut significantly down on the amount of cunts and douchebags that are developed by civilization.

I think if we went from being barbarians to people that live in Beverly Hills now, way more civilized now. I mean, it's not close. Right, it's not even close. So if you just extrapolate 100 years into the future, you would assume that things would continue to get easier and easier and easier. I've got a thing that eventually we can but you know we're never

gonna be able to engineer out greed we're never going to be able to engineer out if someone has complete and total control over an entire city they will do something terrible they just that's human nature and just say that well i would never do that it's like hold on why would you say you would never do that when so many people have done it? You should say, I'm glad I don't have that power because I probably would abuse it. Right, because if you look at what we've done as a human race, just in military means or by military means over the last decade, how much different is it really than what happened during the days of the barbarian hordes? The numbers are probably more significant. It seems more civilized on the surface, but they're

more effective at killing people. They can kill massive numbers of people. A bunch of people just died the other day. I think it was in Yemen, where they shot a bunch of civilians with one of those fucking drones. They just killed 14 people. 14 civilians.

Women and children, they're getting jacked constantly by these things. There's thousands of people been killed by these drones. Wow. And so they want to outlaw that because that just allows for error too easily and no one has to feel it? Well, there's no significant voice to outlaw these things right now. Really? I've heard people say those.

That's one of the things I've heard about. But yeah, not in this country, man. You don't hear Mitt Romney saying it. We're stop the drones we're gonna stop those drone attacks no no picketer people i'll say it those people don't have a say we don't have any silly picketer people he said do you think um president bush this is how long it was he goes do you think president bush cares about us protesting the war because i think he thinks about the protesters the way we feel about the wnba like sure it's annoying but let them feel like they're making a difference oh my god i can't believe you went there i'll speak i've already retired from comedy why did he retire he wasn't making him happy after a while he just wasn't making money at it and he was like i gotta

do something he's wouldn't want to struggle for fucking 145 spots at the store a lot of guys get close that grind is hard man yeah the fucking the grind when you're especially a grind in uh la yeah when you're like one of those up-and-coming comics you don't even have like road gigs you can pick up for 50 bucks here and there you just want time yeah you want to perform for free for someone yeah i view it as you know how when they're running and there's an explosion behind you or a tidal wave coming at you yeah or like the bridge is falling behind you yeah and people behind you are a tidal wave coming at you? Yeah. Or like the bridge is falling behind you? Yeah. And people behind you are falling in.

Yeah. But you manage to make it off before it completely collapses? Yeah. That's how I view a stand-up comedy, where there's some funny people that just didn't get a living enough to get them going, and they fell off the bridge. Yeah. I mean, it's like anything else. We all sucked at it at the beginning. The reason why you can equate stand-up comedy To martial arts is because it's two things

That you have to look at really realistically In order to get better at them You gotta figure out how to fucking make your way through the maze And if you get somebody pregnant early It's gonna be a lot harder Fuck yeah it is You might acquit I almost definitely would acquit

If I got somebody pregnant at 26 a year in You think you would take some time off for sure Who comes back after time off? Who knows, man? Dana Gould did. Really? Yeah, Dana Gould took a long time off. He was writing for The Simpsons.

Yeah, but did he? I think he was raising kids too. I don't know. I might have made that up. Imagine if he's gay. I'm just making sure. He's got a family. He's got a dog.

I think he's raising dogs. I think he does have a family. He did my storyteller show once. He was really cool. He was one of those guys that was around in Boston. He was ahead of me. He was like a couple of years ahead of me. I don't think he's come back.

He's already a professional. No? Like Mary Lynn comes back. But once they give it up, you're never back in it. They're not the same to you. No, it's just like your heart's not in it. Your performance isn't as good. Yeah.

You can't do it once in a month. The people like us that are like real hardcore stand-up fanatics, we despise people that quit. You quitting, pussy. We try to be like, oh, no, it's cool. I'm glad you're happy. Oh, you're happy now? You know we're looking at you like... You're giving up the greatest drug in the world.

It's just you can't take the ride. The ride is just too bumpy. Not even you, pussy, but just like, oh, you're not one of us anymore. Yeah. How could you not be one of us so long yeah i gotta be careful when i'm around guys like stand up or stand help rather what because i want to start doing mushrooms in front of them you want to start around a guy like that you'll do mushrooms and drive home drive home yeah that's a problem that's a problem you're like i haven't had training he has. Yeah, one of our friends, which will go, let's say his name rhymes with Smetty Huavo,

was on a crazy mushroom dose and he was driving home. And the road in front of him turned into flower petals. Oh, my God. It's like as he was driving, it's just flowers were flying off of his wheels and flowers were in front of him. Yeah, could you imagine? I did it once. It wasn't

that bad but just once where i was driving i thought it was done because i was doing it in someone's apartment um and i was like i'm good i'm gonna go home spend five hours and then i'm driving i was looking at a sign but it's like that's like that picture behind you it has a lot of colors and it just started swimming when i was at the light like everything started and i was like oh fuck i feel like mushrooms is too dangerous to drive on oh fuck yeah we don't do it but mushrooms yeah mushrooms are real

it dissipates reality it gets reality to a place where you're like I don't know if you can manage this you might be experiencing something that's absolutely

not there at all yeah you could just drive over a fucking cliff think you're on a water ride you know yeah that's what I mean it's think you're on a water ride you know yeah that's what i mean it's like it's you never quite lose reality but you sort of get close like you don't lose where you are 100 i'm going to cap city by the way when are you working there

two weeks the 14th i think september 14th let me see nice so that place is the shit what days you there the 12th to the 15th oh wednesday thursday friday son four days yeah dude four days yeah the 12th through the 15th holy shit dude you're a legit comic now you are you're a legit i feel like i'm in places now it's pretty fucking cool man you're headlining the cap city comedy club in austin texas that's legit as it gets man as a stand-up comedian that and the comedy works in denver yeah if you want to talk about like the independent clubs that are like super legit cap city this is super legit you there you're a real you're a real comic there's five rooms that i'll that i have put

on my like my favorite five rooms for like a long time yeah um the or the comedy store cap city yeah denver comedy works dc improv just because it was my first road room. Well, as far as the vibe, Austin might have the best vibe in the history of the universe. Yeah, it's so cool. That's where we filmed that, what did we call it? My butthole video. Oh, yeah, when you had a problem.

We called it the Jew clam, the Jew clam video. Your booty hole was a problem. In the green room. Yeah, it's just awesome. They're cool. They're one of the cities that gets it. They're smart enough to get it, but cool enough to be laid back about it. Somebody fucked up in that club and painted over all the writing in the green room.

Some asshole decided there was too much writing on the wall. You had like 30 years of history. Who did that? It was fun to look at. Even if you don't know anybody. Some dummy. There was people that were dead that wrote on that wall. A lot of them, including Hedberg paid some silly bitch how dare you you fuckheads

that was historic it's not as historic as atlanta punchline because atlanta punchline has that one thing that says quit trying to be hicks you know if you write something on the wall someone's gonna write something shitty after it yeah so many dudes try to be Hicks. Hicks, as far as influencing comedians, Hicks influenced comedians the wrong way more than anybody. Yeah. Kaufman.

Kaufman was pretty bad. Yeah, but they didn't go on stage and self-righteously preach to the crowd. They didn't do that. They didn't think they were better than you because they were trying something experimental. Yeah. Well, not only that. There's some shit they just wrote in popular science magazine five minutes ago they're yelling at the crowd that they don't know it because you're at home watching fucking rosanne yeah you know sitting in the couch and then they always do that they always say this not a lot of times they'll

be like oh too edgy for you and like idiot. No one laughed because it wasn't funny. Just sucks. Stupid. Too edgy for you. How come you fucking dummy? Drop an n-bob on stage eight times in a row on purpose just for the sake of it. Just get fucked. Yeah.

That's just as fake as fake clean comedy. Yeah, exactly. I have no thoughts of that. And part of it is sometimes people don't look at themselves that objectively so they don't know that what they're putting out there is so stupidly offensively dumb they don't know they don't even know just they're just clunking it clunk clunk clunk it's it's it's hard when you watch someone go on stage i worked in vegas with this guy once he was supposed to do like 20 minutes he did 45 45 minutes and it was the well some of the worst fucking comedy i have ever seen in my life it was so bad that by the time i got on stage i was like there's nothing funny

there's nothing nothing is funny oh nothing you couldn't even believe in fun yeah it's like when we hang out together like we do gigs in the ice house especially like if we're i get like that's in a bored mood yeah but but when we're doing at the Ice House especially, like if we're all shooting this shit. I get like that sometimes. I'm in a bored mood, yeah. But when we're doing that, we're in a good mood. Yeah, we're shooting this shit and then we go on stage. And you're like, so many things are funny. Yeah, there's some of the best shows ever. There's funniness everywhere.

Yeah, but if you're working with someone who sucks it, it's like if you're at a job with someone who's a douchebag. There's a difference between being at a job with someone who's fun, like if you had to work with Joey Diaz all day, you'd be laughing. I mean, once a month he'd yell at you but you gotta deal with that yeah mostly great he'll yell at me over like fucking nonsense the one day that he came in he was fucking screaming about ranch dressing fucking ranch dressing somebody gave him ranch well he was just taught he made

a t-shirt about it he sold like a thousand fucking t-shirts it's uh it's blue cheese with wings or go fuck your mother was his famous line he just gets so mad about blue cheese blue cheese please yeah that kind of guy you know like that's the kind of you know like to be able to hang out with people like that like there's a lot of people that would never understand a guy like that but for a guy like us like a stand-up another stand-up comic is like it's like a buoy in the ocean like it's like you you're gravitated towards them to save you i mentioned him on ona i mentioned diaz because i was like diaz told me this thing once right they're like oh yeah joey diaz how's that we haven't seen him in forever they're like he's so good at telling stories and i'm like yeah he sure fucking is he sure is he's an unusual human it's so important to to find those fucking people yeah

it's so hard it's it's a it's one thing that i've developed a skill for i know how to wrangle people together i know how to wrangle a bunch of cool people together it's hard it's hard to find like cool interesting people it's hard to like accumulate but i've got yeah you gotta cut all the cunts out you gotta cut them all out it's like pruning a tree it's hard the problem is it's hard when the cunts are like it's not somehow related to the cool people problem is it's hard when the cunts are somehow related to the cool people. Oh, yeah, that's probably.

A brother or a best friend. And you're like, oh, so he comes with you, but I don't want him. I just want you. And he's like snipey. He says snipey shit. Girlfriend, shitty parents, something like that. And he's like, I don't want to hang with him at all. You don't have to do the actual words. There's a balance to this world, man.

People don't realize it. Those cunty people. Their cuntyness is directly proportionate to how happy they are. I just walk away from them now. I treat them as wild animals. If there was a barking dog, I would cross the street before going in front of that yard. I'm not going to get through to you. Just dismiss them oh what the fuck is this do you have any interest i bought a ticket for you of louis seeing louis ck doing new stuff tonight um at the comedy store

main room oh i might be into doing that i gotta see i gotta see we'll get off the podcast okay okay it's at midnight at midnight oh wow that's pretty late yeah why is he doing a show at midnight is he doing an early show too nope just a late show doors open at 11 huh i think there's already a show in there and he goes i don't want to sell it out late so fuck it let's do like it's also new jokes so it's it's so cool that he's doing that man and he said you can only buy tickets only buy tickets live and uh with cash so that nobody counterfeits anything. Whoa. So the door guys have to stay there and sell tickets in the cover book. So that nobody counterfeits anything?

He's had to deal with, not counterfeiting, scalping. Oh. Yeah, he's had to deal with that a lot, I guess. So he's trying to overcome that with the tickets. So you have to actually wait in line to buy the tickets? No, just walk up to the booth, get them. Oh, but that means there's going to be a line, though. That's annoying. You can't use a credit card? They put it on line, and there was no just walk up to the booth get them oh but that means you're gonna it's gonna be a line though that's annoying you can't use a credit card they put it online and there was no more than a three-person line they were just whipping people through really yeah and there's

an atm right on the corner right next to the main room there's an atm there see why are they just paying gold i don't know it's so weird it's like cash i was like do i have the cash on me i guess sounds like he's gonna get robbed yeah what someone's a gangster and they're in that neighborhood? They know there's a lot of cash now, son. You gave up the goods. Notice that gangster has become a black guy. Or it used to be like a... Italian.

Yeah. Gangster. They took it. They did. Another thing they've stolen. Besides our wallets. Whoa, Ari. That was like...

Sounded too harsh. That was you were acting. Yeah. Besides our wallets. You were insulting me me I did this guy once some when I didn't know the line we're talking about rookie mistakes and stuff right I didn't know the line of how you can like be mean but say it in a smile I learned a lot from watching Don Barris when he called these grandmothers like filthy whores but he'd do it with such a smile I

don't know how we quite he exudes this like I'm clearly joking yeah and they these old ladies would love it they'd be howling yeah in front of their granddaughter it was just great i could always see him do it barris knows how to do it yeah well he's an experienced performer and i would do it sometimes with black people but what's up black people but say in a friendly enough way that was all cool i remember this one door guy one time saw this black lady in the front row and goes what's up you black bitch oh my god it queered the room for the entire night. For the next five hours, everybody was having weird sets.

Wow. Yeah, that can happen, man, when people can be a little off because there's something fucked up, someone says. Yeah. So some guy came in one time with his girlfriend. I was on stage at the store in the middle of the showroom. It's fine to come in there. And I was like, hey, what's up? How are you?

Nice to see you with your whore. And I was like, ugh. And the guy was like, what the fuck's your problem? And I had to like, damn it. Now I'm stuck in this thing. Yeah, you're just trying to come up with something funny to say. You didn't mean to say whore. It sounded wrong.

Sometimes they come out and you're like, nope, that wasn't it. That didn't sound, yeah. Especially when you do like what you and I do. It's like you go on stage, there's a lot of fucking around. There's a lot of ad-libbing. And that's how you come up with new material. Yeah. To get the bridges between subjects. sometimes they're different every night yeah you know and in doing so it keeps it loose and sounding natural and

conversational yeah and sometimes in doing so you also create these like weird improvisational paths where you go on some completely new angle you're like oh my god this is the new part to the bit this is important so yeah it's important to me to be able to fuck around. But sometimes, especially if you have a new subject, you're not exactly sure where you're going with it, you just take a stupid chance and you're like, oh, no. It's been like two minutes on a dark path. And you're like, oh, there's a wolf around here that's going to eat me.

A wolf of boredom on the crowd. You just get fucking stuck there. Shit. Stuck in a shit topic. You ever start a topic and then you're in the middle of it and you want to bail like no yeah and you go how do i get out of this i told somebody that the laugh factor that day at doing one of their employee shows uh i started down a path and i was like you know what guys i don't want to do that i have this whole thing about this but i'm gonna i'm gonna talk about something else that's cool all right. Wow.

That's funny. I was already getting laughs. I was already doing fine. I was just like, nah. That's funny. Yeah, I guess it all depends on your level of enthusiasm. Plus, I got 12 minutes there, and this is a seven-minute bit. So it's like, do I want to commit this percentage of this time to this? What made you decide to bail on it?

I wanted to work on something else. And that was like, I could just do this right now, but it'd be just me just doing it. Right, right, right, right. And I need to work on this other thing. It's fresher, and that's my plan. I need to develop things. Right. Yeah, that's the way to go, man.

Do you spend a lot of time actually writing? Not actually writing. I'll write over notes, little notes. Get in front of your computer and get high and just start writing yeah and just takes a while and don't try to write jokes just try to write just write and just sometimes i write as stand-up and sometimes i write as like if someone was reading a book conscious yeah but you there's things that come out and then just start writing just start writing and then we'll see what happens because there's things that come out when you're doing that when you're there's things that makes you put yourself

in the place right well you it comes out everywhere it comes like comic comedy will come out when you drive in your car you'll have an idea you know you have to write it down but when you actually force yourself to sit down and think about things it's not always that it works but you actually put the time in yeah i got a new bit right now man that i'm so fucking happy with really oh my god it's destroying and it's something that i wrote i wrote on a plane and i i and it came to me it's one of the rare moments where it came to me with almost too much stuff there's too many punch lines it's it's just too killer yeah there's too much it's it's this subject that i i'm really pissed off about and so it's like a 10 minute subject right and i just have to keep remembering it because it's brand new

so but it's like and there's this one boom and then this one bang it's like i've got this new which to me is even more fun because you're excited about it that's why they kill the most because like i really feel great there's no acting in me at all it's all pure emotion it's pure emotion and the it's it's it's right it's on something something that's got something to it something that set it clear to me a little bit was when tom was telling me about something bill burr told him about writing new material right and he was like how do you write that long and he broke it down to like five minutes a month which always embarrasses everybody yeah um but then he's like where do you come up with stuff he goes i don't know stuff what do you care about? And you're like, yeah, that's it.

Just what do you care about? Yeah. That's all it is. What's on your mind? What's going on? Yeah. Traffic. What do you care about lately?

Yeah. The fucking line at this place or. Yeah. Bad foods you're supposed to eat or not supposed to eat or just whatever. Right. And you got to be paying enough attention to actually care about something. Yeah. And that's what's interesting.

What's interesting is always where if you. It could just be about the way your sheets bunch up on you if that's what really makes you angry or happy or whatever then that's what you care about that's okay maybe so yeah you have to be really interesting you have to be really into those sheets you know i'd way rather hear about competition like jim gaffigan can make bacon funny that's true for like jim gaffigan can make sheets funny too yeah yeah yeah no, for him, it's just not for me or for you. Right. It wouldn't work. But yeah.

Yeah, it's what's, you know, and that's what defines you, what makes you interesting or not. It's like, what kind of things are interesting to you? These are the things that are on my mind. That's what I'm talking about, son. Stand-up comedy. Ari Shafir, Cap City Comedy Club, this September what? What are the days?

It's the 12th through the 15th. Keep it together, motherfuckers. Man. It's a dark road out there, ladies and gentlemen we're all on it it's not even dark it's actually pretty awesome if you lived in the 1500s christie dallas and somebody could transport you to today you think you're living in a fucking dream oh yeah i'd be totally high nice bitches medicine how about just penicillin how about when you have sex with a dirty prostitute you don't die? Wouldn't that be sweet? Wouldn't that be sweet if you just didn't die? Yeah, one day you'll catch

gonorrhea and instead of having to jab that thing in you, they'll just go get gum. Get gonorrhea gum. They'll rave the wand over you like in Star Trek? It'll be an app on your cell phone. You stick your cell phone near your dick and it'll cure it. It'll zap it. It's ridiculous. We live in the best

Fucking time ever And everyone's depressed Why? Because look at our future This fucking Mitt Romney guy He's gonna win too White people are angry You think Mitt Romney's gonna win?

It's for fucking That's how the play's Supposed to play out You think so? It doesn't matter Corporations win No matter who's in place That's the only reason

Why voting is ridiculous Yeah Corporations are winning What really matters man Is state and local elections and your friends and people you care about and what you do for a living you dirty dirty bitches enjoy yourselves because you're not

gonna make a big difference in the fucking legal system you're still just a person you know I just want to do and you'll be dead and gone forever so enjoy it while you're here the only way we can make a difference is talking about shit and having a new generation of people who don't grow up to become the cunts

that the people that are running this country are. That's the only way. It's the only way. So by this conversation, by this podcast alone, you influence the youth, Ari Shaffir, and set them in a good direction. But she also influences you.

On Yom Kippur, please get my album, Revenge for the Holocaust. What a perfect time to launch a comedy album with you as a spider, with a star, David. Juice Spider fighting Hitler. Killing Hitler. And that's going to be available on iTunes and AriTheGreat.com is his website.

Does that still your website or AriTheGreat.com? They're both there. Same site. You go to the same thing? Yeah. I like AriTheGreat, though. It's a cool thing to write. But yeah.

I'm sending you four MP3s. Me? Anybody who goes to my website and wants them. Well, go to AriSafir's website, AriTheGreat.com, and get yourself some mp3s me? anybody who goes to my website well there you go we'll go to Ari Shafir's website arithegreat.com and get yourself some fucking mp3s

and some solid god damn stand up comedy from one of the best in the country I've seen them develop from a god damn comedy piece yeah it has huh

to a real professional do you feel fatherly like that at all? no no I'm happy as a friend though I think it's awesome as fuck but you must I asked my rabbis about this

like when you come to Israel and then people start to get more religious do you feel like you've accomplished something? And he's like, yeah, you do. He's like, you helped build something. Well, I definitely am happy when I'm around comedians and I give them advice and they get better. But not everybody listens.

You listen better than anybody that ever took on the road with me. If I would tell you, I'm like, you got too many words in that, man. You would be like, you're right, fuck. And you would just go sharpened up and think about about it and redo things you know people have told me things that i didn't want to hear and some of them i fought and some of them i listened to some of them were uncomfortable but ultimately people especially in the beginning can like point things out to you it's up to you whether or not you can see them and listen to me looking down the whole time yeah uh mark mad Madison told me that.

I used to do that too. Look up. You're talking to the crowd. I was like, oh yeah. It helps. Just little things. Maybe you're right. Instead of, fuck you.

You don't know what I'm talking about. I looked down way too much for a long time. I did it for years. Just think, what if it's not good or bad that you do that? That you were wrong in the past. What if it's just you can improve? Just do it like that. But you were really good at listening.

You were really good at changing too. Taking chances. that's why you're you're still producing like constant new material this if there's anything that always bugs us about someone that we know it's a guy who's got the same jokes for 10 years it's sad it's like man you don't have anything new to say you gotta have some new shit man it was good i've heard you had to have some new shit you know that's the reason i shaved my beard is because because Dice was the last straw. He was like, shave your beard. I was like, why? He was like, for your act. And I was like, whoa.

And then I was like, instead of like, you're a doofus, Dice, like he always is, I was like, if Andrew Dice Clay, the legend of Andrew Dice Clay, is telling me that it's good for my act, I'm like, hey, why? And he goes, you're expressive, and people can't see your expressions.

And I was like, it's gone. It does make sense. It's gone. I don't want to stop that. But you look like a crazy dirtbag with that crazy beard. And I think that might be worth more. That might be nice also. That might be worth more.

You can see my expressions. The whole beard moves. Yeah, I don't think Dice gets that bearded dirtbag look. You definitely look younger. Isn't it weird? You look younger. Everybody always says that. When you shave your beard, you look younger.

But you really do. For whatever reason. It's more innocent. Uh-oh. Babiesies are crying Shit's going on Alright ladies and gentlemen Tomorrow we will join Freeway Ricky Ross The real Rick Ross

He's joining us again on the podcast That's the fake Rick Ross You got the real one The guy who this guy Pretends to be The guy who this guy pretend is pretends to be the guy who went to jail for selling cocaine the guy whose cocaine sales funded the conscious versus the sendinistas nicaragua what yeah yeah yeah that's how the this they that's the whole ali north thing they were funneling they were selling drugs and to raise money for it

like having a bake sale exactly but with coke with With coke. So they would get the coke. Bravo, America. Way to think outside the box. They would get the coke to the poor communities. Wow. And everybody wins. Everybody wins. Oh!

Then we all go dancing. So this guy got out of jail, and there's a rapper that's got his name. His name is Rick Ross. He was Freeway Rick Ross. He was known as being this huge... I mean, I remember... You can ask him if he killed anybody ever? No.

You're never going to. Disrespectful. Okay. I wouldn't do that. But the guy has been in the... He was in the drug trade for years. Got all over the news. I mean, it was like a big deal.

It's like one of those things like when rappers call themselves Capone. You know, like Matt Capone. Is he the one that was on Time Magazine with drugs? I don't think so. Holding him up? That's when the government was like, go after that guy. I don't think so. I don't think that's the case.

He was trying to stay as low-key as possible, but he got busted. This story is just insane. He's got a rapper. He's out. He's out and free free and there's a rapper out there with his name yeah and so he's like trying to sue the same name like no it's my personality you're taking yeah well not only was even crazier the rapper used to be a corrections

officer oh really he was a prison guard which is really nutty wow yeah it's the whole thing is crazy he's building his album is like the greatest thing of all time. He's on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine. Look around right there, right behind you. Look at that Rolling Stone. You see that Rolling Stone? Oh, yeah. That's him, man. I bought that Rolling Stone just for the real Rick Ross, because to talk about it.

He's got tattoos of Abraham Lincoln from the Dollarville, from the Five, and George Washington from the One. Yeah, that's a new thing that black dudes are doing, is they're covering their whole bodies with tattoos. Tripoli says it, and I agree. Black dudes look better in tats. But this is a weird thing. It goes with the skin better. The rapper thing where they cover everything, and they cover their face. The back of his palm.

All tatted up. It's got a weed leaf on it. But that didn't exist before. Isn't that weird? We go back to the Superfly days. It's because they have to keep outdoing each other. I did a joke that never was able to work, but it's like every fucking grandmother has a tattoo now. It's not a big deal.

So now what we're going to have to do is go to the next stage, which is with the ear things. You know the ear things they push out? Yeah. And so then that's going to become blasé. And then we're going to have to do the plates that the African people had in their necks. We're going to see that in our lifetime. Someone's going to have the plates. Black dudes, especially famous dudes, are doing a lot of face tattoos.

Yeah. A lot of stars and shit. I like i like it it's like fuck it i'm not gonna have a regular job one dude got an ice cream cone on his face yeah i remember that who's that guy some rapper yeah it's not a white thing no well you could you could you know you'd be there was a guy a bodybuilder that i saw at the airport that had a whole face tattoo. He had a Tyson thing. One of those New Zealand Tyson tattoo things. Seguri did a great joke about it. He was like, if you've got a face tattoo, because you want no interaction with any other human forever. Something along those lines.

Something along those lines. Yeah, it's obvious. You want to scare everyone you come in contact with. Yeah. Yeah, isn't it weird? We have certain spots on our body that mean certain things. If you start tattooing your face, we'd be like, no, no. You're getting nutty, son.

But over here on the wrist, that's okay. Oh, that's nothing. That's cute. The ankle, it's cute. It's sweet. You know, the chain link around the bicep. Yeah, that one Chain link you can't get in these roots

Yo bro that shit's solid steel dog Yeah barbed wire Solid steel dog AriTheGreat.com you dirty bitches Follow Ari on Twitter Ari Shafir with two F's That's A-R-I-S-H-A-F-F-I-R Dude

Good luck with the CD. Thanks. I got like 10 weeks on the road coming up. Check my website for all of them. When are you leaving? When are you leaving for the road? I got a wedding this weekend, but the next one is the 12th or the 14th. Are you gone like weeks at a time?

Are you going to do that thing? Are you going to come back? I'm doing Toronto and then straight to Indianapolis. That's a 10-day run, but the rest of them are all back for a day or two. See if you can come in right before Toronto. Are you going to be here at it all yeah right before Toronto

I got three days before that let's do that let's do another one let's do another podcast because that's right before and by the way I'll have my studio up and running by then

okay at least the beginnings of it you know any input you got on Twitter anybody knows anybody who knows anything about building a studio because I got a

dope ass office space now yeah I'm ready to I just want to see it oh it's gonna be killer dude maybe that's tuesday after after this after punchdown i can't wait to have like a it's gonna be like a ravenite social club sort of a thing you know what i'm saying what do you mean like just the way you said it like have loungy places and have beers have a pool table there like i'm a pool table there couch big screen tv i'm gonna have it a real cool spot. And then I'm going to have

the studio where everybody sits down as comfortable as possible. I think we've figured it out now. I think in doing the Ice House studio and doing this studio and doing Duncan's setup

and doing my old setup, we know what you need now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like the way they brought Todd Glass in to tell him how to build helium or different clubs. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like, no, I know what's necessary. Please trust me. I've been through it. Yeah. So I waited. Comfort. Yeah, comfort.

Good sound. And you can't have like loungy chairs. You've got to have office chairs. Yeah, too far back. These are the kind of chairs. Yeah. And these microphones are real good, but the better ones are these other ones that I got here. These are a little weird.

Shores. It's tough because Shores are like less directional. This has too much of a sweet spot. And then there's another one that Don Imus uses. This thing right here?

It's got a built-in sound guard. I'm going to try these next. And these are the ones we have at the Ice House. But I'm also going to try there's ones that I saw on the Don Imus show.

I forget the names of them. But they are supposed to be the best for that kind of shit, for radio. And you don't have to put a windscreen over them. And maybe you get a clearer sound. Some people don't like the windscreen because it gives you a little bit of a filtered sound. Echoey sound? Like Kevin Smith.

He takes the windscreen off when he came over here. He doesn't get the thought of... No, he knows how to do it. He knows how to manage it. But it just feels like it's really him that way. Otherwise, this is like a muted... I don't like the headphones sometimes. Why is that? Well, one, they hurt my ears if I him that way. Otherwise, this is like a muted. I don't like the headphones sometimes. Why is that?

Well, one, they hurt my ears if I have my glasses on. So do you hear a difference between this and this? Is there a difference? Yeah, there's a total difference. Yeah, there's a difference. That sounds better, actually. Sounds clear. God damn it, these fucking stupid condoms.

You know why I got these? Say Pete Piper, Patsa Piper, whatever. Say something like that with a lot of P's or T's in it. Peter Piper packed with pickled peppers. Yeah, it sounds better. It's a little pop, but not much. But it sounds like a realiper, whatever. Say something like that with a lot of P's or T's in it. Peter Piper packed a pickled peppers. Yeah, it sounds better. It's a little pop, but not much. But it sounds like a real person, right? Yeah.

I mean, the mic you use on stage doesn't have windscreens. Sometimes they do. On top of it. But those aren't good. Yeah, this sucks. Windscreens suck. My windscreens don't. Maybe I'll try it without them.

Marin told you to get something? He probably told you to get the second best thing. Probably held back whatever the first best thing was. Oh, no. He was very, very nice about it. I want no part of this. He was very forthcoming. I'm kidding.

Marin and I are friends now. I saw him last time I saw him. I gave him a hug. Me and Bert saw him last night at the UCB. And Bert said it. He goes, if Marc Marin is the nicest person there, something's wrong. There's an attitude going on. Yeah.

Everybody says that about the UCB. I don't go there. I don't know how much perceived. I've been going on. Yeah. Everybody says that about the UCB. I don't go there. I don't know how much perceived. I've been there before. Yeah. But I remember reading something somewhere where it was like a forum blog or something like that, or a forum post, where someone said, why is Joe Rogan at the UCB? I mean, that's so weird.

It was Matt put it together. It was just like a good show. That's not what I mean. I mean, it's so weird that there's a type. What they know about this type goes here, that type goes there you know dude there's a lot of overlap bernie stevens is everywhere it's so silly it's just so silly you know yeah like people are surprised edwards really broke it down to me yeah i met him i was opening for paulie doing that doing that sketch movie that that hurts his Just hearing it. Yeah. Take your condom off after you start.

I feel dirty. That comics, Natural Born Con, whatever that video was. Take that thing off. Take that thing off. Let's hear it. Take the condom off. Yeah.

Oh, that's better. And you can see where you have to talk into, too. Fuck these things, man. But I saw him, and he did the Orlando Improv and the Miami Improv, mainstream clubs,

and he was very funny at those clubs. And then I heard he was going to the UCB on their big alternative night, and I was like, really? You're performing there? He performing there because i do all the time i didn't know he come from new york right in there forever and i'm like what what kind of material do you do in front of those people and he stopped and goes dude crowds is crowds it's true they don't care

and i was like for the most part but you know what a lot of two people they do get a little elitist if they would there's a few of them and the ones are right online and stuff yeah but there's also crowds don't know if they figure if you're there you're supposed to be there and they're like cool we'll laugh they don't really give a shit yeah i don't know why anybody would restrict themselves to one type of comedy you know i've always been um a fan i mean i think anybody who knows this podcast knows that i'm a fan of some pretty crazy science and extraordinary ideas when it comes to quantum physics and the nature of the universe and nature of reality i like a lot of like pretty heady twisted up deep shit about just the very nature of matter itself

but i love stupid comedy yeah it's fun yeah sure it's fun my first uh mc week for this guy brett leak do you remember him brett leak i remember the muscular dystrophy and then it got like worse It's fun. Yeah, sure. It's fun. My first MC week for this guy, Brett Leak. Do you remember him? Brett Leak. I remember the name. He had muscular dystrophy, and then it got worse and worse. Okay. He was a killer observational comic.

Oh, really? Did Tonight Show probably 10, 15 times. But he said it was him, and then some lady who did relationship comedy in the middle, and then me being filthy MCing. And he goes, I like a different kind of show. Yeah. So the DC improv. And he goes, I like three different people, so. Yeah. The DC improv. And he goes, I like three different people so nobody overlaps.

Yeah, I agree, man. I'm not into the same kind of comedy all the time. I like a Mitch Hedberg who was squeaky clean. Hedberg? Yeah, squeaky clean. Yeah, I guess he was, huh? And then I like Joey Diaz talking about pinching a foil out of some girl's asshole. Yeah.

He's banging her in the ass and he felt foil at the tip of his dick foil so he reached in with his fingers pulled it out put it on his desk and put his dick back in he's just the craziest motherfucker of all time every time i'm with him i just have this big smile like i can't believe this guy's my friend he gets you going oh this is what bert said so he's meeting him for coffee right and he goes other people come up and he takes he goes i think he just sits there all day long and has people come meet him. And just throughout the day, he just sits there like an old Italian guy. Who was it that he met? Drinking coffee.

Bert Kreischer. Met who? Joey Diaz. Oh, where? In the valley somewhere in NoHo. Oh, that's hilarious. No, Joey can't sit still for very long. He's got shit to do.

Maybe. He might have done it for a few hours. But he takes his phone calls and he fucking, not texts. He doesn't text, but he calls. What you doing? Okay. The one minute phone calls he's a king of he's a legit businessman though you got to think about that now joey's got like real money he's doing great on the road joey joey is killing them on the road he convinced me to put my that last storyteller show on online yeah no just put it just two dollars just throw it up it's beautiful why not

it's beautiful well you know seeing him get to number one on itunes was fucking incredible he sold like 35 40 000 copies of that cd just for himself yeah and by the way he's selling these testicle testaments he's telling these other things on itunes which are fucking fantastic he does a new hour and a half to two hours of story on something every month and they're fucking tremendous and they're great if you're in your car and you're driving to work or something oh god slap one of those on. You'll just have a big stupid smile on your face. It's half hilarious and half really deep shit. Yeah.

He's awesome. Listen, we're lucky, man. We're lucky we know a lot of comedians. Yeah. We are, for sure. Where are you at this weekend? I'm at a wedding. Oh, poor bastard.

Cape Cod. I'm at the comedy store in the factory on Friday. Cape Cod, Massachusetts? Uh-huh. Somebody made you go across the country for their stupid fucking voodoo ceremony? Yeah, I know the bride and the groom, but yeah, I felt bad about it. Oh, Jesus. Are you going to bring breast strips?

No, I'm going to bring marijuana. A lot of marijuana? Yeah. I told them, too. I was like, you know, I'm going to be on drugs on there. Absolutely. They knew it? It's casual.

They knew you were going to be high? Yeah. You going to have an edible? Probably. Not super strong. I don't want to get bonkers but you don't want to get social anxiety but i don't want to fucking yeah have the social anxiety no that's if i don't go on something i'll have it yeah you want to be high enough where it's cute i can relax yeah you're like oh this is sweet they're getting married maybe i'll cry when they say they're

i'm a romantic even though i don't believe in that shit, something tugs at me when I see it. Once in your life, you'll find out. Yeah, no, you are, man. You're a sweetie. I've seen you with chicks, too. You're a very affectionate guy. I know. A lot of people would think that Ari Shaffir's got a cold heart. I'm not all dick.

He's not. He's just been battered around a few times, and he's a little bruised in the outside. Deep inside. Somebody asked me this recently. They're like, who hurt you? And I'm like, all of them. Every one one of them is that what you want to hear they all made me who i am okay write that down and say that on stage that's very important you need to write that down that's a

bit yeah let's we'll get off this fucking podcast and carry notebooks now write that down write that down all of them who hurt you all of them are you happy all of them alright you fucking dirty freaks tomorrow the real Rick Ross

and Brian Redband will return Revenge for the Holocaust September 25th buy that shit you know what to do you freaks what is it

how much is it $7.99 Jesus Christ ladies and gentlemen on iTunes go buy that shit and that's it the fucking show's over you freaks thanks to oh thank you man Jesus Christ, ladies and gentlemen. Go buy that shit. And that's it.

The fucking show's over, you freaks. Thanks to... Always a good time, man. Thanks to Ting.com for opening us up. Sorry, Ting. We kind of fucked you. I will tell you this. I'll help make it up. I will give serious thought to Ting. I'm done with my fucking Verizon contract now. I was waiting for the new iPhone to come out,

but if I can get one of those Samsungs before they go off the market yeah get this before apple fucks them because they're going to this thing is the shit man i'm giving me that it's really huge i'm enjoying the size yeah like for it's not it's thinner thinner than the iphone um yeah it's definitely thinner it's definitely thinner this way yeah it's just wider i don't know anything about it, like battery life or anything yet. You just got it. Yeah, I'm totally talking out of my ass. Right now, I'm just like, ooh. I've done nothing.

Go take your piss, son. I haven't done nothing where I could tell you that this is an awesome device, but it looks dope as fuck. All right, folks. So go to rogan.ting.com And when you go there And you sign up You'll get a $50 credit Towards a new device

And like I said We're only supporting things On this show That we 100% believe in Whether it's You know Going to deathsquad.tv And buying t-shirts

To support Brian Redband And the podcast network, whether it's to go to ting.com and support them. Ting is a company, we believe in their philosophy, and we're behind it. Onnit.com, we're behind them 100%. I'm a part owner in Onnit because I love the philosophy behind the organization, and I love what the idea of selling things that I buy and things that I absolutely 100% enjoy and benefit from, like AlphaBrain and ShroomTech and New Mood

and HempForce protein powder, which is my favorite protein powder on earth, and kettlebells and battle ropes, which you know I do all day because I'm manly as fuck. So go to Onnit.com. That's O-N-N-I-T. And if you use the code name Rogan, you will get 10% off any and all supplements. And that's it.

So go to DeathSquad.tv. Go buy yourself some fucking shirts. Go to HirePrimate.com if you want. Hire-Primate.com. That's my t-shirt company. And I have a bunch of different t-shirts, including a Joey Diaz. If you're not high by 2 in the morning or 2 in the afternoon, go fuck yourself t-shirt company And I have a bunch of different t-shirts Including a Joey Diaz If you're not high by 2 in the morning Or 2 in the afternoon

Go fuck yourself t-shirt That's available at Onnit We just restocked And that money of course goes to A big part of it To the great one Joe Diaz So your support Joe Diaz

Can we get a worst of the whites t-shirt? Worst of the whites? Yeah that's for you That should be Who would you say? The Italians were the worst of the whites? No no no Persians?

Armenians, Persians Armenians, the worst of the whites I No, no, no. Persians? Armenians, Persians. Armenians, the worst of the whites. I don't think you want to make that in a t-shirt form. Armenians will fuck you up, man. I love Armenians, man. They will fuck you up. They're some wild people. Yeah, you need a better saying.

But for you, yeah, we definitely should put out an Ari Shafir t-shirt. What it should be? If you're going to have an Ari Shafir t-shirt. You must have said something fucked up. You know what? People contact us on Twitter. Tell us the most fucked up thing because sometimes people put things like in message board posts in quotes or on twitter in quotes but i completely forgot i said i write people what was the context what was that about yeah

we look we appreciate the fuck out of it i um i say this all the time but i only say it because it's 100 true i the the thing that i'm most blown away by is uh the amount of fucking cool people that we meet at these shows it's it's amazing yeah i um i don't understand it i don't uh i don't know how it all happened but uh i do know that uh we're truly truly thankful and yeah you've got a lot of cool people. I want to say humbled by it, but it is the word. It's like, whoa. Everywhere we go, everybody says the same thing. These are the nicest crowds, the most generous crowds.

They always tip well. They drink well and tip well. Look, we're happy as fuck that we're connecting with you guys like that. And then every message that I get where people say, hey, man, because of you, I started drinking kale shakes in the morning. I lost 50 pounds. I'm working out for the first time. Sometimes it's just overcoming the drive to not change.

And then once you overcome it, oh, what am I resisting? Yeah, what am I resisting? And it's also having people in this conversation they tune in and they're a part of it. Even though they're not saying anything, they might be saying something in their car. They're like, yeah, that fucking bitch. That guy's an asshole. There's a lot of people who of people live in a town of 2000 and there's four cool people there yeah

and they tune into this and say oh fine someone else is out there like this we recognize that this is an important part of your life this fucking show will always remain free this show will always remain completely uncensored if i tell you something it's because i believe it even if i'm wrong it's i believe that shit. Go to the Lobero Theater this Saturday night or this Friday night in Santa Barbara. Duncan Trussell just added to the show. We are so not fucking around. That is the Lobero Theater in Sacramento or in Santa Barbara, rather.

There's someone calling me. Who the fuck is calling me? Bob Fisher from the Ice House. Powerful Ice House. Powerful. So that's it, folks. We will see you tomorrow from the Ice House,ful Ice House So that's it folks We will see you tomorrow

From the Ice House Ironically With the real Rick Ross On it.com Use the code name Rogan Go for it And by the way you guys

The way you give back to us Is by coming to our shows Yeah listen we love that That's the biggest payback We can ever get And by the way Quite honestly That's a nice

Absolute benefit The biggest benefit For true Is knowing that people Are enjoying it You know when I run into people Even that That don't

Come to my shows If I run into them At the mall or something like that And they're like Dude I'm a huge podcast fan That makes me feel Fucking great If you

If I'm doing something And you're enjoying it I'm happy That's That's how I believe Life should be Alright you fucking freaks This show's over

Peace, love and mushrooms Peace, love, mushrooms Go fuck yourself I don't even have any we're bad at going out right I don't even have any controversial I don't have any

controversial sponsors anymore so when I end these things invade Argentina Argentina is filled with nice people the fuck man I don't know I'm trying to say something

listen you freaks we love you we love the shit out of you alright we'll see you soon