The Joe Rogan Experience - #264 - Tom Segura

Episode Date: September 12, 2012

Joe sits down with Tom Segura.

Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! The Joe Rogan Experience Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day! Oh, sweetness. Tommy Bunz in the fucking house, ladies and gentlemen. It's good to have you, buddy. We're about to just talk nonsense and go through a commercial and Tommy Bunz hits me with,

do you believe in evolution? Oh, I do. I'm throwing heavy-handed questions at people, man. That's a fucking right-hand bomb to open the round. Well, it's just funny to me, because I was watching this thing about, and this guy was like, this guy fucking believes that evolution

should be taught in the classrooms? It was like a political ad like that. And I was like, what the fuck? Like that appeals to somebody that like, yeah, fuck that guy. He thinks evolution should be taught? This guy's a fucking asshole. You're like, really? There's that?

There's actually enough people that believe. I'm not a science expert, so I don't want anyone to think like, wait a minute, you'm not a science expert, so I don't want anyone to think like... Wait a minute. Oh, you're about to do it. You're not a science expert? I know, I mean... Wait, at what point do you become an expert?

Because if you were just you and you lived in the 1400s, you'd be a fucking science expert. You're probably right. They'd be like, electricity is God's way of showing you his anger. You're like, well, no, actually, it's just some shit that's formed by the clouds and the atmosphere.

And my president. You'd be a fucking scientist. You could explain so much shit to these people. Well, actually, I would just know it and not know how to explain it. They would just be like, no, no, you draw it. You draw it. No, the earth's round. And they'd be like, how do you know? I'd be like, because I've seen pictures.

You would work with those people for a couple days, and you'd be so annoyed. You're like, listen, you have to listen to me. I'm your new king, and I'm going to show you how to build an airplane. They'd be like, an airplane? What the fuck are you talking about? Get some wood. Get some wood. I'm going to show you.

You need this. It's got to be straight like that. Think like a bird, but then with the tail up in the air. There's air drafts from above and below. People would go, where did you get this idea from I don't know man they just come to me they just come to me

you draw like bows and arrows for them does that mean like Da Vinci was like from the future and went to the past I think Da Vinci he had too many ideas

yeah you know what people love to say when there's a guy like Da Vinci what they go and I wanted to just say it just out of instinct he probably had like

Asperger's or something probably autistic they always want to say something like that like that there's no way autistic they always want to say something like that like that there's no way you could be thumbs off with that guy that brilliant

and not be fucked up like I'm not willing to believe it you know I don't think that I mean he'd be like I almost agree that like

I don't think you could go to Da Vinci and be like how do you like your eggs man and he'd be like you know actually I think he would be talking about all kinds

of weird shit he would be like thinking about what you would look like if you cleaved you in half and pulled you on and could he draw those two sides you want to donate your body like today and you're like no i'm not dead yet did you ever see that exhibit that body works exhibit yes where they take human bodies together yeah that's right that shit is creepy as fuck dude and they were stopping us from taking pictures yeah they told us to put our phones away put i had to take camera pictures on the sneak tip yeah yeah with like no flash the horse remember the horse they had this like real horse that had been like well what was fucked up was that if you did this if you haven't seen it folks the body works exhibit is an exhibit where

they take a bunch of death dead bodies and through some new method of somehow or another coating them with plastic and infusing plastic into the muscles it doesn't change the appearance but it completely stops them from decaying so it's really creepy because it's an actual yeah so they give you like they have. They have an abortion cut in seven pieces. Yeah, that's what's really fucked up is the clinical aspect of the dissection of the bodies on display was a little disturbing. Because it was almost like butcher-esque. It's like if this was a guy's basement, you would want him locked up forever. Okay, this guy would be one of the most horrific serial killers and twisted fucks ever. Even if he was a grave robber and he did this,

you would want this motherfucker locked up forever. But you can do it, and somehow because you've involved plastic, which means that it's been government-sanctioned or something, now you can just display these dead bodies, and people can come and pay. Where did you get these bodies exactly? I mean, it's not even under heavy scrutiny. Some of them had bullet wounds or something.

Some with bullet holes. Is that exhibit even still around? It's got a smell by now. The one that I saw, I saw it in Vegas. I think it was at the Luxor. Wow, you saw it in Vegas? Yeah. That would be too much sadness for one day.

That's depressing. At the end, they said that all the bodies in that exhibit were from china yeah wow chinese yeah oh my god yeah that's scary because when you're when you're from a country that has been known to do some really horrific things to like prisoners and shit and pretty questionable track record when it comes to human rights well it doesn't seem to be that there's that many of them in china and so it's i mean or rather that there's uh too many of them in china yeah that there's so many people so many in some areas the overpopulation has gotten to a

point where they've sort of devalued life in a lot of ways i mean when you you start hearing the the stories about um them you know forcing them to only have one child. There's terrible stories of families drowning Chinese girls. It's really horrific because they want a boy. It's just fucking crazy. I don't know if that's propaganda though, so I really honestly shouldn't be

repeating that. I know outside of the major cities, there's a lot of, like out in the countryside, which is hundreds of millions of people. There's extreme poverty. There's extreme literacy. There's not any health care or anything. It's just hundreds of millions of people outside of the major cities. I mean, that kind of poor, I mean, we just haven't figured that out yet.

I don't think most Americans have really put that into their head. Like that level, the level of poverty that exists in other countries. We have extreme poverty, but it's not really what you see in third world. We have horrific poverty, but even just existing in a welfare state is way better than a giant chunk of the world has access to you know if you think about like what what it would be like if you just had a shit roll of the dice and you wound up in nigeria yeah you're a baby in nigeria and it's just flies and mosquitoes and malarias and a dude's got a hyena on a chain. And you're like, what the fuck? Most of Africa is fucking crazy.

Really crazy. It's a wild, crazy place, man. I just got back from there. Did you really? I was just in South Africa. Oh, that's right. You were doing gigs out there. Yeah.

It was awesome. It was so cool. People were so nice. Yeah. Crowds were fucking awesome. And then I met other Africans that were in South Africa. And I learned that's the destination. Like, if you live in Botswana, Mozambique, Namibia, you go, like, I want to go to South Africa.

That is the crown jewel. Because that's the most developed, like, by far. By far. By far. And, like, when I was in a casino walking through it with this comic who was from, I think he was from former, what is he from? He was from Nigeria or somewhere. I don't know. Mozambique, I think.

And I was like, so what's, like, you know, your country like? He was like, man. He's like, you know how you picture Africa? And I was like, yeah. He's like, that's what it's like. Like, it's fucking open terrain and animals and tribal shit. And he goes, this shit right here, the casino, the only thing like this in my country is like where the king lives.

Like that's it. There's no shit like this at all. That's got to be so weird to have one city that's like on top of the ball and everything else is just barely keeping it together. Barely keeping it together. keeping it together yeah it was um but it was it was it was an awesome experience people were what the crowd's like so good very like mixed crowds and just juiced for the shows i mean i would say out of 15 how'd your black goat jokes go fucking killed they understand american black humor totally really they got it they totally get

it they got everything they got everything man wow um did you find you find them to be like um into like harsh material are they just it was interesting all the the local guys we saw a bunch of some south african comics and a lot of them are have very political material and because it's a very politically charged atmosphere you know you think about that like they got democracy in 94 so it's kind of like us you know you just fast forward like you know like the 60s and 70s really politically charged in America right and then right and then you know theirs is like it's fresh so that's what everybody talks about we talk about politics and things going on but it's like south african politics and then

we go in and we'll talk about the mundane like just silly like observational shit and some of the local guys were saying that like that's so unusual for them like to that somebody would just talk about some like small observation they made because it's all about making an impact with like your observation about what's really going on in the world or in the country right now you know so everybody's a preacher i mean there's a lot he said that you can go to like you can do go to a stand-up show in south africa that's all locals and they'll all hit on political shit he said that's not uncommon at all that's all locals, and they'll all hit on political shit. He said that's not uncommon at all. That's interesting. Is it funny?

Did you find it funny? There's this guy, David Cowell, is a South African comic, and he was fucking tremendous. I didn't even know what, like, he was like, you know when somebody's really good, and you don't necessarily get the reference, and you laugh anyways? Like, you don't even, you're like, you don't know,

like, I don't even know what that was. Right, right, right. But you still laugh laugh just because he's just timing it's just funny it was like that and he fucking devastated the place wow yeah i mean he was so but he was all like it was all about south like current shit in south africa wow and it was like it was i wonder if that would translate like if he did the U S I think it's, I don't think it would. I don't think the act would, but I think he's good enough where he would just need to figure it out.

Well, that was something that never happened with the Boston guys. There was a bunch of guys from Boston that Boston, like no other place does like local material. Like my first 20 minutes was all local material because you knew it would work it was like almost like it was first of all there was a lot of really funny shit about boston and people from boston love laughing about boston yeah so that like everybody that was like really strong had such a boston-centric act like steve sweeney in boston i'll put him up there with the greatest stand-up

performances of all time i'm telling you steve sweeney in boston in the 80s used to lay them down dude just boom like he was bowling strikes crushing with this boston material and he's just such a funny guy he's just such a funny guy and he had been through the like the hard boston club scene for you know over a decade before i ever saw him yeah you know i mean he's just he was just a bad motherfucker yeah and that guy you know when he would go to california he would lose like a big chunk of his act because he couldn't talk about that shit anymore it was so frustrating to me it was like man you could do that about anything. If you could hit that level of comedy,

he could do that with anything. Yeah, that's the thing about that. Everybody thought this, by the way. I was there. Christina was on the show, too. Finesse Mitchell, Ian Bagg, Mitch Fatale, Brian Hainer. And we all watched David. And we're like, he just goes to states wow and

fucking like you know he'd need to work like kind of week after week right and just if he did that for just a few months he would put together a stellar fucking act i'm sure well i think now especially because the internet the guys that are coming up over the next 10 years there's a lot of good guys yeah and i think that a lot of these good young up-and-coming stands up the stand-ups they've had a chance to see so many good acts online so that even if in they're in their area and their area is not so good you know like there's all i'm not mentioning names but there's some places you'll go and like oh he's the funniest local guy you should have him open for you and you have the guy open for you and he's fucking deaf yeah just nonsense and just

bad hacky tricks you know like oh christ but if you're in that community all you really need is stage time if you've got like access to you know you can watch the the kinnison archives you can see bill hicks stuff you can see stanhope you can see david tell you can see norton you can see all these different comics online you can sort of get it what do you enjoy what do you enjoy i know you don't enjoy what that guy's doing so it's instead of thinking about like the hacky stuff that's in your neighborhood you have access to all this stuff whereas like in this the 80s when i started out there was no access to that other than like cds and cassettes it wasn't as immediate and it was more it was way more difficult to sort of uh create a scene or to you know to to get good without like a good scene around you yeah yeah you know i think because i always feel like i'm only as good as

the guys that i see uh around me on a regular basis and the guys that i perform with oh yeah basis yeah so if you're stuck somewhere where you don't see a lot of good shit, it definitely would affect your game. Yeah, because when I see someone really good, like when someone's staying in town or when I see Diaz go up and kill or a tell or something, someone I really respect, when I see their act, I get so charged up. It gives me energy to make things.

It definitely is. charged up. It gives me energy to make things. It definitely is. That little juice, that little squirt of just some push to get you forward. That's so important for us. Nothing like seeing great stand-up.

When you're a stand-up and you see somebody great at the show you're at, you're like, fuck, man. I'm not a fan of watching stand-up. When I'm at the comedy clubs, I try not to watch anybody. I don't watch a lot of stand-up. But if I know there's somebody either I want to see or somebody I know, and I'm like, oh, a friend of mine or somebody who's like,

this person's really good, I don't sit through whole shows, but I'll watch that person. And sometimes it is like, man, that's fucking so exciting. You get pumped up about it. You're like, that's awesome so exciting you get pumped up about it you're like that's awesome you get like like it makes you want to work I could watch Joey Diaz do a thousand sets in a row probably well yeah there's definitely certain people but like if I'm like you know at the improv or whatever the ice house and there's like all these comics going up I

would not I don't like sitting there watching them because it seems like to me it's just it I'm too scared of going there and then having that – like something in the back of my head from somebody else. It seems like that's really easy to do. I get bored and I get anxiety when I sit around. I'm just watching like just comic after comic who I'm not. You get anxiety? I get like, man, I can't sit here right now.

What? I just get like – I'm like I got to get up. I got to – I can't sit through this. If I think it's like – if I sit and it's like I'm a just get like i'm like i got i gotta get up i gotta i can't sit through this if i think it's like if i sit and that's like i'm a minute in and i'm like oh this is not gonna be this is not good i i have to get up and leave you can't watch bad stand up is what you're saying do it so you can watch like louis ck for a fucking hours but you can't watch a bunch of like i want to say any names but there's a certain uh group of people that you know you've you've seen them do stand-up and you're never gonna understand it but yet they're still

bumping around and you might like be in the back of the room one day and they're on stage and you you almost have a heart attack fucking up and out you got to get out of the room they'll infect you yeah they will well do you know there's a real thought behind that. It sounds crazy, but it's, there's a, in schizophrenics, something happens to schizophrenics, and I believe it's called allophronia. And it's a very rare situation where people will go to visit crazy people and become crazy while they visited them. Really? Yeah. And they don't know exactly what it is and they think it might be hormonal it might be um might be something in the way you you interact

with this person but it has happened before where people have gone in to visit people who are fucking crazy yeah and they all of a sudden people are we're going to have to keep an eye on you. And then, boom. So it's just almost like the association with that person. It could be that they were just always crazy as fuck. Nobody just pulled it out of them. You're with them. It's almost like when you, what's it called?

When you have Stockholm Syndrome, where you start to sympathize with your kidnapper. But I mean, it's like there's a certain exposure to that person that starts to affect you on a deeper level. I don't know enough about how humans affect each other to really... When I was in college, I was in Psych 101. Our teacher one day, we were talking about, you know, you're going through all the basics, and then he gets to schizophrenia. And he's like, okay, he writes it on the board.

He's like, schizophrenia is the worst thing that could ever happen to you and then this kid in his class in our class raised his hand and he's like yep he's like i have schizophrenia i don't think it's the worst thing that could ever happen and we were all like oh you just pissed off the schizophrenic guy and then he's like well what i meant was there are different stages of schizophrenia and that the worst one is the worst thing that could happen to you. Which one do you have? And he's like, I have a less severe. He's like, oh, yeah, that's not what I meant.

Nice. It would be really bad. Nice backpedal. I'm trying to find the name of this thing where it's happened before. It's a rare case of people who have visited schizophrenics, but I can't seem to find it. So I might be talking a little bit of shit because I'm just repeating some things that I think it was Terrence McKenna, a Terrence McKenna lecture. in a lecture but um the idea was that um one of the the things that they think about some people when they start to lose their mind is that um it it becomes a a pheromonal problem when they're giving off this weird smell to people like this uh this you know this uh what is a you know how

would you describe a pheromonal hormonal smell guess? And people treat them weird. It's offensive. People treat them odd. And they start thinking, like, am I odd? Am I crazy? And that tipping point is, like, really not that hard to do on some people. Yeah, because if you think about how you interact with people, I'm sure you've had times in your life where you've been socially awkward or you felt, like, real weird or felt, like, real vulnerable,

especially when you were young brian you barely you barely barely got one correct sentence yesterday with kat von d i looked over he came in his pants three times he's like sit there how are you doing today so far i keep on thinking about it she's beautiful i met with me the picture of you hugging her was just like you're just in bliss you're like you just like, you were just in bliss. You're like, oh. He was like, I'm actually touching her. I like girls that think like that. Like the energy thing she said about, you know. Yes.

I love girls that think like that. She's a very nice person. And she's incredibly artistic. She's a badass bitch. So many fast forward. She's really nice, too, man. She's really nice. Like, legit nice.

Like, not a bullshit nice. Just a nice person. Yeah, it's nice when you see someone that's trying to do that. That's trying to do the right thing. Yeah, it's rad, bro. Where'd you get that from? From Kat Von D. Is that how she talks?

I think so. Do it again. You don't think Kat Von D is hot? Are you saying something? I think she's hot. I watched her show. Every episode of her show. Look me in the eyes. That's not what she sounds like. I watched her show. You watched every episode of her show? Like, yeah, man.

Look me in the eyes. That's not what she sounds like. That's totally what she sounds like to me. Do it again, but look me in the eyes. I want to play with your dick, red man. Is that your impression for everybody? What's Spider-Man sound like? Sticky in my head.

That's a sucky impression, dude. That's terrible. I thought that was fucking spot on. Really? Yeah. Dude, Bert Kreischer. He's so silly. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. That's how you guys are both dying.

No, I'm a big fan of Capundi. I watched every episode of that show. Really? Absolutely. Did you see Eddie Bravo episode? Probably missed that one, but the other ones I caught. Why it's me, man? I watched every episode of that show Really? Absolutely Did you see Eddie Bravo episode? Probably missed that one But the other ones I caught Why it's me man What's with the ringtone Fucking AT&T commercial

You gave me shit about mine too Because I have it on that I have the same thing Why? I don't change my ringtones I just want to know If someone's calling Okay

That's all I want to know Brian I don't really give a fuck What it sounds like I love you. Whoa, Brian. Hey. Stop him. He's taking your girl.

That's not cool. He just said, Kat Von D, I love you. That's not cool. That is so not cool. Listen, you don't understand what it was like for Lil' Bri yesterday. Really? You don't understand. You want to hear my new ringtone?

Is it Kat? Yes. Yes. Okay, stop that. She's terrible, man. You really... I need to find out what happened to you that froze you in 12. Did you spend some time with a schizophrenic person yesterday?

There was some strange moment when you were 12 and you just stuck there emotionally. It's better than that ringtone. How do you even know if it's your phone if it's ringing? I don't give a fuck. You just check. How about that? How about I don't give a fuck? You should sell ringtones, man.

Because I was going through the ringtone store and the top ten ones are so dumb. Like Space Unicorn was the best one and I was just really stoned. But there's like one that's just like a black guy going, yo man, answer your phone! Answer your motherfucking phone, motherfucker! That's what I want. I want a white guy doing a bad black

eye thing. How is that bad, too? Just if you're in like a really black area and you hear the phone going, answer your phone, motherfucker! Answer your phone! Pick up your phone, bitch! You don't think my impression of a black voice is good? That's a good ringtone, right? I think it was okay.

It was okay. It was a little racist What? Jesus Christ I'm just kidding You're kidding completely I only said that I only said that Because it was the funniest thing to say

Okay I don't think you're racist By any stretch of the imagination But I did I put Myself I put What some people thought Was a racist tweet the other day

I wrote I saw a black guy With a Mitt Romney bumper sticker on his car i go the minds were right this fucking thing is over yeah like that's ridiculous this black guy had a racist piece of shit and all of a sudden people were saying a racist piece of shit how is that racist uh i don't know i don't know enough about mitt romney to know if there was a joke in there about him and black people. My question is, what black guys are relating to Mitt Romney? That's going to get you some more tweets. I need to look.

I wish there was another alternative. Because I'm not really happy with either one of these guys. It seems silly to me. I mean, I feel like socially, Obama's way better. The way he communicates is better. He's way smarter. He's way more moderate. He's way more reasonable.

I'd rather hang out with him than him. Way more impressive. Fuck yeah, I'd way rather hang out with Obama. But what bums me out is that it seems like, fuck, look at all the shit that got passed while Obama was in office. I don't know how much of that had to do with him. It's so hard to believe that a young guy, just a few years older than me, would be so willing to give in to this ridiculous idea that giving the government more power over the people is necessary to keep us safe. Because I think that's just total horseshit. I just think they want to lock it down. And they're slowly eroding our rights. and they're doing it in a very unconstitutional way

and that's not the way to do your job your job is to do it within a constitutional way and if you if you can't keep us safe in a constitutional way it means you suck at your fucking job you need to get better at that but we don't need to do is look at everybody's fucking email and listen to everybody's voicemail messages and track everybody's movement through gps and you don't need to do all that this is crazy because who decides who has access to that information who decides you know people could harass you because you have different political beliefs than them where you that you're you know interrupting their campaign that you know this there's a lot of different things that someone could do if they have influence, if they have enough power over you

by being able to track your whereabouts and listening to all your phone calls. That shit is ridiculous. And the fact that that's happening in America, man, that's what we always used to make fun of the Soviet Union about. That everybody was being a spy and spied on.

But we never thought that shit was going on over here. But meanwhile, the government just opens up the floodgates, and it's all of us. It's so gross. And didn't you retweet that somebody, I didn't even know about this, and it amazes me that this happens and nobody knows,

that they audited the Fed, and that they found out that the bailout amounts were not even close. It was trillions of dollars in secret bailouts. And that certain companies were getting trillions. Trillions. Not even what we were told they were getting. Let's say $50 billion. You're like, Jesus, you got $50 billion?

No, they got like $1.3 trillion. Yeah, it's insane. And that was like, it was in the news, but I feel like nobody really, they got like 1.3 trillion dollars yeah it's insane and that was like uh the like it was in the news but like i feel like nobody really they were like oh yeah so what happened i don't get it man i don't i don't understand it how any of it flies it's i mean the whole idea that you that first of all the whole idea that the only way to fix all this shit is to take more money from us is fucking berserk yeah that is so bonkers that's the stupidest idea ever it's like you're telling me that you just have to no matter what keep these defense budgets the way they are now that's what they're saying essentially they're saying look we're not gonna shrink that

so let's just concentrate on move it along whacking some things off and some other it's this giant chunk of money is being thrown at this ridiculous situation this horrific situation rather and no i can't fix that that is just what it is you know we'll cut that a little bit we're gonna cut that a little bit we got no money for pizza in school though yeah you know it's it's uh the idea that you know when you're gonna need a little bit more from everybody like no you don't you need to stop spending money on shit that we don't want you to spend money on what the fuck where's the money going and nobody the thing is like not only defense but nobody is ever really willing to make concessions nobody wants to give up whatever their causes whatever the committee they sit on just go somewhere else so you end up finding a group of people that are all agreeing to not make

any any deals like no just take from somebody else just not us and it goes around the circle and then you go all right that was fun fucking nobody made any concessions at all first of all the only way we're going to fix this whole world problem is we're going to have to be able to read each other's minds people are just too full of shit language is just one step on an ever-ending or never-ending rather process of of getting closer and closer to each other language is a the ability to do it in expression and you say what you you comes out of your mouth i know what you're saying i know who you are you talk i know who you are we're going to be able to get past that that's what the next step is the

next step is we're going to be able to read each other's minds and until then we're going to have a really hard time with this fucking thing because people are full of shit and people misinterpret people's words and people are touchy and people don't know why they're really mad and you know there's a lot of the problems with normal human communication yeah and part of it is i can only gauge your intent by guesswork i can only gauge your intent by how you how you respond guesswork and and and then you know you put it into the the computer that is your brain and try to figure out if this person is good for my life is this person bad for my life is this person my friend are they looking out for me eventually we're going to just read each other's minds

that's all going to be bullshit you're going to know who's a cunt yeah cunts are going to know they're cunts they're going to have to straighten up it's going to be bullshit you're gonna know who's a cunt yeah cunts are gonna know their cunts they're gonna have to straighten up it's gonna be like a beautiful moment yeah but you're also gonna know you know all the creepy shit about people we're good we're gonna definitely get past the idea that the only way i can communicate is through some noise some mouth noise and some text messages looking at somebody you think well look at the interface of text messaging i mean look at that. That's already, you've already got this new way to communicate with people that are nowhere near you.

Yeah. So you're getting a little bit of their information, a little bit of their personality, a little bit of their mind, this little text that's coming in on your phone. Yeah. Well, eventually that's going to morph into the next thing, whatever the fuck it is.

It's going to be people that let you ride along where you could tap into their consciousness and you could walk around with them and shit. Yeah. I don't see that being outside the realm of possibility. a person interfaces with some sort of an internet connection in maybe something that you would wear in your head that stimulates various parts of the brain with electrical impulses or something that can trigger certain experiences. If they figure out how to really wire that, maybe they'll actually have to fucking drill some holes in your head and shit

and put little conductors that you have to screw shit into. But people would totally do it if you could actually work that out probably and ride along with each other yeah look you could go uh if you were real sense if you were real freak you know like those dudes like watching their wives fuck fuck other guys yeah they could like be their wife sure while she gets fucked by this giant black guy yeah yeah why he's gotta be black because that's the scariest the big guy's one or that's maybe like what his thing it was not like cuckolds is that what you call them yeah guys are like watching other guys fuck their wives in front of them that's yeah that's interesting that's to me and that's the real fucking that's the exciting point for them like

this guy's about to drill my wife this is fucking awesome that's so crazy yeah yeah and they wanted they wanted to get fucking hammered you know but how can that end in anything other than murder suicide can it i don't know but i was just thinking you could never switch it you could never fuck a girl in front of your wife and she's just sitting there brushing her hair really you know slow and i don't think so unless she was crazy but it's but it's not normal that a guy would sit there and get off on that hell no it's sitting there brushing her hair really slow. I don't think so, unless she was crazy. But it's not normal that a guy would sit there and get off on that either. Hell no. That's not normal at all.

Some guys are just real freaks. But there's everything. I mean, shit. That's well put. There's everything. That really is what the answer is. And we didn't really know that as much when we were kids. That's why you were subject to get accosted by some predator

Because you never knew any predators So we didn't have access to nearly as much information Yeah The internet really exposes you Fuck yeah Every kid knows about pedos now They got a pedo bear You know?

I mean, pedos weren't something that everybody talked about when i was a kid it was like you keep away from that man he's a bad man yeah yeah and you'd be like who's the bad guy that bad guy over there why is he the guy by the park yeah yeah nobody understood what now kids know now you understand like how many kinks there are like there's all these you go online yeah subcategories of shit you're like that's a thing really yeah oh my god you're just exposed to it all and and so we're like adults now but you realize that like if you look back on like fifth grade you he's aware yeah that 10 year olds are online there's all these oh there's this shit okay there was always specialty things there was always like like but it was hard to find them like if you

were gonna be in a weird freak shit yeah like some dudes are into feet yeah and they were they were actual feet magazines yeah nice we i found a feet porno magazine with my friends can i have it in the woods oh okay we were wandering through the woods and we found a pile of magazines like in a plastic bag yeah if you found them in the woods they were almost 60 of the time they were porn right if you found a dude who if you found them in the woods they were almost 60 of the time they were porn right if you found a dude who went to read magazines in the woods there was a lot of people that would go and they would just go beat off in the woods man great i love that in dudes that go to read magazines yeah and they left their stash back there so we would go find their stash

and so it was me and my two friends and uh as they were opening the pages, my friend, there were two. One dude was from Argentina, the other dude was from Cuba. Yeah. And we're in Florida, and we're peeling back these pages, and this kid stops and he goes, Man, I think this shit is just dicks and feet. That's the quote of the day ladies and gentlemen and it was one of the first times i i had ever saw uh anybody like so clearly say what the fuck when they don't really want an answer right you know yeah that that you know when you say like what. Yeah, you don't really. It was just like, what the fuck? He knew.

I didn't know. I knew. He didn't know. We were 11. We were looking at, like, dudes jerking off on feet. That's a whole thing? I've been wanting that to be a thing. I didn't know it was.

I found the creepiest new fetish out yesterday. It's called belly punching. Oh, no. It's just guys and girls punching uh other girls in the belly really hard really and they get off on it don't do i don't want to watch that yeah and the videos are just really disturbing i it's from brazil you don't i don't get off please shut that off i that that stuff bugs me yeah i don't get off on it but i've seen it and it was like it was so extreme that i was like in tears laughing What was it? Of the ball kicking.

Oh, Jesus. So I saw one, and I was like, oh, that's clearly that guy has a cup on. You can tell. But this one was genuine. And she was kicking 50-yard field goals, lining up and teeing off. And he was like, oh. His legs were shaking. And then she's like, yes, suffer, suffer.

What the fuck is that about? I don't know, man. But somebody's not watching that to laugh. They're watching that. That is the most erotic, arousing thing. I got kicked once so hard in a tournament. I've been kicked many times. But I got kicked once in a tournament where my cup slammed into my balls.

And I was fucked up. my balls swole up they were purple and they swole up like it's it swole up like twice the size of normal do you have any what i don't understand i don't understand how the guy can physically take it would you say do i have what do you have any photos i would have taken photos of it i was only like 16 or 17 how did they physically tell like Because that obviously affected you. Oh, I was fucked up, man. I've been kicked in the balls. And it's like I can't even.

I wouldn't be able to. If there was a second kick, I'd just shit myself. I got a boner on the way home, though. So I was happy. I was happy that it still worked. It was almost like my body was letting me know. Because that was when I was like 16 or 17. I would get those random boners.

I could be walking, and it would just get a complete hard-on out of nowhere. It's like, what the fuck is this doing here? It's cool, too. You didn't know. It's like giving a blind person a gun. You're like, what is this, a trigger? You don't know what you're doing when you're a 17-year-old kid just walking around with a boner. I would crank out so many.

It's so ridiculous. You're always horny. You had a 17-year-old kid just walking around with a boner. I would crank out so many at 17. Fucking unbelievable, man. It's so ridiculous. You're always horny. Yeah, and that chamber is fucking reloaded immediately. Yeah, immediately. And what's really fucked up is that that is probably one of the biggest shifts as a human being that your life makes. From no sex at all to, boom, having a girlfriend when you're in your teenage years, which are confusing as fuck. I mean, your teenage years are a mess.

And in that, you're having relationships. You're making out with people. Your penis is going into girls' vaginas. It's the best you've ever felt in your life. Yeah. And she's on the pill, so you can squirt it in her. You get so confused. You get so baffled you're so fucking twisted just so absorbed in that person and that's why you see so many people that age like throw everything else away for that relationship because they can't it's also addict behavior yeah we've all been guilty of it

addict behavior is not just physical addiction it It's just squirrely thinking. Addict behavior is like... There's a lot of different activities that shouldn't really exist for our shitty minds. But they do exist. And people can't help because of the fact that they have access to casinos. There's certain people that cannot fucking help it yeah they're drawn in there and they want to gamble they want to action that's what they live for it's it's i've seen it it's craziness and they'll go on these programs

no i'm not gambling anymore i'm not doing this anymore i'm done the next thing you know i'm just gonna try a little i could handle it now it's all about management boom back in the slide crazy in debt never get and it's not it's there's no there's no drugs there's no dealer there's no just there's no poisoning there's just fucking this weird idea that you need to fucking pull that lever and see those lemons lemon lemon lemon so glad i don't have that oh and then they take that money and see those lemons. Lemon, lemon, lemon, give me the fucking money! I'm so glad I don't have that. Oh, and then they take that money and go right back in. It's fucking horrifying. There was a guy named White Plains Charlie.

When I was a kid and I used to play pool at Executive Billiards, he was the first guy that I ever met that was an absolute 100% gambling junkie. This guy didn't do a goddamn thing for a living. He lived off of handouts and games. It was a hustle pool.

He slept in homeless shelters and different people's houses and had apartments in real squirrely situations. And he would just come down the pool hall and go to the racetrack. And that's all this guy did. That's all this guy did. He was always in action. He was always in action. Played the fucking ponies.

And he was such a sad guy because he was in his, like, 70s, you know? And he was, like, you know, just a really tiny, tiny man. Yeah. And people would yell at him, and they'd fucking treat him like shit because he was always broke, and he would yell at them, and he would always lose his money. Shit. Those guys? I almost had those motherfuckers. I'm supposed to have seven seven

five you know they have some number problem that went wrong on them of course you know that would have paid two thousand two thousand can you believe that shit i can't tell you how many conversations i had with white planes charlie well he would come in there and go joe you ain't gonna believe this they got me at the track again i'm down and i was like at the time maybe 22 23 years old yeah so the whole thing to me was just completely baffling i was like wow this guy's out of his fucking head for sure this is crazy like he just can't stop gambling i've never seen anything like it i know a poker guy like that just can't stop they can't stop can't stop they get sweaty hands i i was completely addicted to playing that Quake game.

You were? 100%. I loved it. Loved it, loved it, loved it. Hours and hours a day? I didn't. If you were talking, and I was listening to you talk, and you were boring the shit out of me, I'd be like, why am I spending time doing this when I could be playing Quake,

and my time would be awesome as always? Really? Yeah. I would not want to talk to people. I would want to just sit in front of the computer with the headphones on because you can hear who's walking

on the right-hand side. You can hear footsteps on the right or footsteps on the left. You have to creep because if you walk, you don't make any noise. But if you want to jump,

if you want to strafe jump, if you want to run, you make noise. And I would get addicted, dude. Wandering down hallways, rocket-launching people in the heads it's fun as fuck I've been lost in video games before too it's addict behavior

the real problem is it doesn't make you ultimately feel like you got anything done like if I put the same amount of effort into making podcasts or the same amount of effort into like doing stand up I feel like I got something done you know but if you're just

out there fucking throwing squares with numbers around yeah you know what are you doing what are you doing you're playing cards what are you doing there's nothing actually happening yeah you're playing quick i fucking killed everybody nothing really happened no okay you just got you just got jolted nothing was really created and eight hours yeah you basically gave all your time you know to this uh to this artificial experience and you know you got an adrenaline rush out of it it was a lot of fun it was great but but ultimately nothing was created whereas like if you took that same amount of time and you decided i'm going to draw a picture i'm going to paint something i'm going gonna write a song like an actual physical thing manifests itself that people can enjoy or fucking rocket launchers

lightning bolt guns and shit and gunning people down halo you don't get anything out of that it's weird is that your game halo used to be i tried to i i step away i literally forced myself not to get on game systems that much anymore because I would do that and I would do Madden and NCAA. Madden is supposed to be awesome. I heard Madden is just so addictive. Because I like college ball a lot, I would play. You could create a player, you start your team, and then play a season.

Did you make white guys win? I would make fucking Tom run a 4-3-40. Of course. You'd give him ridiculous power. Absolutely. I'd be like 6-3-2-30 just fucking yoked. Yeah, absolutely. Just Vikings. Vikings. An army of Brock Lesnar's.

I would play the full, I would say, I would play I would do the spring thing, spring ball and then play fucking 12 game season, the conference game and the bowl game, and then recruit players because you can recruit and recruit them for the next year. And fucking I'd played 14 games in a row, and I'm like holding on for the next season to start. And this is like in one sitting. Wow. Yeah, it's hours and hours.

It's not good, man. Well, that's the same thing with poker too, right mean when people start playing poker don't they disappear absolutely and the guys that the guy that i know that that that does it the most like not only do you disappear doing all that behavior but it's also fucking losing his livelihood you know like like shit fucking down 500 today it's hard it's hard to make a living playing poker you mean you got to be super good you mean all props to those daniel negrano type characters that have been named phil ivy and all these guys that you like i don't um play it um i don't like cards it's not that i don't like cards it's just it's not something that i'm interested in doing because

when i was a kid and i would play pool the card games would always interrupt the pool action oh really and everybody was like jesus christ is this a card place or a pool hall yeah like guys that would you would normally get bets with they wanted to go gamble because that's all pool halls were about all pool halls were about was like hobby people who were into uh just knocking balls around with their friends who never got good and then either tournament players or gamblers yeah and so the tournament players are usually both tournament players and gamblers so there's always gambling unless some asshole came around with a deck of cards because you can't you don't you can miss when you're playing pool you know you can miss you can play on a gaffy table where the pockets are weird and this guy might know the table better than you do so he

knows what spots to avoid. But with poker, there's no missing. You're really gambling. You're just gambling. You're using your intelligence, but you're also gambling. I don't get poker. I don't have the mind for it, man. Powerful CTO, Coconut Water, thank you very much.

I'm not into it, man. I'm intimidated by numbers, and I'm intimidated by just the game itself. I've never been drunk never been seems like an awesome game it seems like a real absorbing game though it seems like a very like you have to really be a bad motherfucker to understand the in and outs of poker and to have like you know years and years of intuition i mean those are special dudes they they obviously have special minds just for me my my i was always so absorbed with things that required execution physical execution as well as like mental and that's why i liked quake because

it was like this hand-eye coordination thing that was what i was getting my rocks off on and that's the same thing with pool so to me it's like it was always a physical thing as well as a mental thing i felt like the real the real thrills to me well when i can combine the two things together when i could combine a physical experience and a mental experience that's why i like jujitsu that's why i like playing pool so the card thing was lacking the physical part there was no execution i didn't have to execute so that was it was like way less exciting i was like can't compare. The difference between when you're watching a guy gambling, and he's gambling for $10,000 to set a nine ball in every fucking pocket.

He's putting his hands on his shirt and blowing on his hands and putting talcum powder on. He's sweating, and he's trying to keep it together. You're trying to really gently control how a ball spins and collides with another ball. And make sure that you hit it just enough so that it lands perfectly for the next one. All while you're gambling. That's what's exciting.

When you're sitting there with cards, and you know what card to pick, stupid. Just pick the fucking card, dude. It's like you win or you don't win. It's not the same loss. A guy shoots your nuts in In a game of pool Like if you're playing 10 You're playing a race to 10

And he breaks and runs out 10 games on you You lose You don't even get a chance to play Like that can happen Has that happened before? Really? Not to me

No But it has happened in the past 10 in a row Just run the whole thing It's happened more than once Wow There was one guy Who did it for a million dollars

Yeah They had an insurance policy to see who could run, if you could run 10 racks in a row, which had never been done in a competition before, you could win a million dollars. It had only been done like a couple of times. Like Johnny Archer ran 10 and out on Francisco Bustamante. They were gambling. And that was like a legendary story because francisco bustamante doubled the bet after johnny archer ran 10 and out on him he was like this guy can't keep this shit up yeah doubled the bat and then in the next game which is really nuts and then the other one was this

earl strickland guy who uh they had this 10 rack thing where they were insured for a million bucks but the insurance company didn't want to pay because they couldn't believe it had been done they couldn't believe like they they found the They couldn't believe they found the statistics. No one had ever broken or run out 10 racks ever in any modern nine-ball tournament that they could have on record. So they said, listen, I don't think it's much of a gamble. We'll bet a million dollars. If someone does it, they win a million dollars. Earl Strickland did it the first fucking tournament they had.

Jesus. I think it was the first. It was either the first fucking tournament they had. Jesus. I think it was the first. It was either first or second. He broke and ran ten racks like a demon. Fired in combinations on the nine ball. I mean, it was ridiculous shit. It was like movie shit. And they denied him. I think he

wound up settling, but he never got like the full million bucks. They denied him? Really? I think he only got like a quarter million bucks or something like that. I hope I'm wrong, but he's like one of the greatest players of all time and uh and you know and he gambles too he does like those action challenges there's a action report matches where they uh they have um uh online they'll uh have like just two guys playing for like 25 000 bucks they'll both like put up the money and then they'll they'll have like a gambling contest you ever played uh what's the other one called like is it snooker snooker no i've never played that same principle but smaller

well um it requires uh some incredible fundamentals you there's more um room for error in a game pool than there is in snooker first of all because a nine ball like the chosen gambling game nine ball the balls are all wild so what that means is if you miss in nine ball like the chosen gambling game nine ball the balls are all wild so what that means is if you miss the one ball in the corner pocket but it spins around and lands on the side it still counts you just you keep going when snooker i don't think that would ever count i think snooker is like very precise you know i think you know and you have to move balls i don't really totally completely understand it and the table's fucking huge and the balls are tiny and the pockets are tiny as shit.

And there's certain ways where you shoot it, it doesn't accept the ball the same way it does in a pool table. I don't think you can cut a ball down the rail the way you can on a regular pool table. So it's a little bit of a different sort of a game. But snooker players notoriously are good at pool. Like the top world snooker players like these english guys steve davis yeah they they these uh these guys are awesome snooker players like world you know world champions they come over to pool then eventually they start ronnie o'sullivan eventually they start fucking up the americans really takes time yeah well the americans there's um there's

like a few high level guys but um the europe European guys have such a strong team, man. There's so many guys. The Americans might have the best guys of all time, like Johnny Archer, one of the best guys of all time. Earl Strickland, one of the best guys of all time. Shane Van Boney, one of the best guys of all time and one of the best guys right now. But Europe is like, there's so many fucking players that are killers.

There's so many. Poole is huge over there man it's weird how many good guys in asia they say in asia like there's parts of asia where pool is fucking enormous the philippines especially it's enormous like you go there it's like one of their most uh they're like number one um behind soccer i think i think it's soccer. Are the Philippines into soccer? Does that make sense? Or is it baseball? Am I making this up? Cricket, maybe?

I don't know. We're just making shit up. Bocce? No, well, I mean... Slip and slide. I'm amazed by how sports, like, culturally... Evolve. Well, also how certain places, like, so love a sport

and do not give a fuck about another sport yeah like cricket would be a great example of like it's big in some of the islands it's huge in India Pakistan Australia sorry I mean that shit is like is it a gambling game is that why it's big I don't know if it's a gambling game but like you watch it I'm like I don't fucks going on and clearly nobody in this country who's not from one of those countries like nobody I don't know if it's a gambling game, but you watch it, and I'm like, I don't know what the fuck's going on. And clearly, nobody in this country who's not from one of those countries, nobody gives a shit. I don't know the rules. I think it's difficult to follow. You see the number, you're like, what?

And it's like a five-day game. You don't understand why they're celebrating. Pass. I better do cocaine. I can't get into it. It's so silly. Billiards, soccer, football know it's the same thing billiards soccer football like those are it's very regional specific people well i think you get into a game and then once you get

into it you understand the skill behind it and then that's what you you know that look it it's so weird and people are willing to fall into things so odd just look at the way baseball uniforms look like what the fuck are you dressing like why do you have to dress like that for this stupid game you're dressing like you live in a different century what kind of stupid button-up shirt are you wearing what the fuck is with your socks what the fuck is with your tight pants if you were just a regular dude walking around with those pants in the street i'd say get the fuck away from my kids yeah but because you're playing some silly game, you have to dress like a pilgrim? This is ridiculous.

This game's retarded beyond belief. Yeah, I know. It needs to be revamped. It's like one step away from a pirate's fucking house. It's ridiculous. And it's a ridiculous game. It's just fucking boring as shit. It takes too long.

I can't do it. I've never played it. I can't do it. I liked playing it when I was a kid. And when you like playing it You understand what the skills involved Hitting a 94 mile an hour fastball That's fucking really skilled Catching a ball that's over the fucking top of the wall

But who cares? Yeah I don't like baseball I like football That's by far my favorite sport I like women's softball Sports are awesome I'll tell you what

Anything that's hard is awesome anything where you get into it and you try to express yourself and and you know and show your your ability to concentrate and focus through a ball or through whatever the fuck it is that you're doing in any sport i love watching it i love watching competition i love watching i love watching people pay off like hard work paying paying off. To me, I want to see that shit all the time. Even tennis. I don't give a fuck about tennis, but I watched some tennis the other day. I just watched it.

I was like, whoa, that guy's really trying to hit that ball, and he's really trying to get it. Oh, he's really close. Impressive. I don't really give a fuck what's going on because it's not my thing. But if I was a tennis head instead of a pool head, it's the same thing. It is. I could have easily gotten hooked on tennis or baseball or golf this is a fucking era a golden era for tennis too is it bad motherfuckers playing really fuck yeah i mean who's that guy the guy that beat serena and um the other one what are

the other williams name venus yeah venus and serena he beat them both really a man after he played he played golf drank beer and then uh played uh one one seven to one or whatever the fuck this really yeah beat them both yeah i don't know i don't know about that i know that like i'll do it i'll pull it up yeah it's a famous uh case federer is you know just amazing. Like if you look at his career. He's like one of the all-time best right now, right? Oh, by far. Yeah. And Nadal.

They say that he's like they could put him up there with McEnroe in his prime. Oh, yeah. Any of those guys. Oh, he's devastating. Incredible. He absolutely dominates people. That's amazing. And he's been doing it consistently now for just years, man.

And Nadal's also up there. And what's his name just retired? Roddick and everybody was like if his peer class wasn't so good he would be he would have won so many more titles but he just happens to be around uh in this era of like so many just absolutely dominant tennis players yeah i don't follow it enough, but I would assume that that's just the case with everything right now, right? I mean, isn't the case with basketball teams?

Well, here's an example of one where it's not, like the heavyweight boxing division. So people say this is just an era where it's not as competitive and as big. There's not as many big, exciting fighters. So we don't talk about right now as being the most exciting time. I mean, boxing in general has taken a dip, but people have always been drawn to the heavyweight division in boxing. It's the one that people always like big.

So the heavyweight boxers right now, you know, I guess you could... Yeah, the Klitschko's. The Klitschko's pretty much own it. I mean, part of that you could argue, hey, they're not American, so Americans get excited about American heavyweights, basically, and those guys have been dominant, they're not American. But, you know, the division pretty much has a lot of journeymen, and they go up and they give it a shot,

and sometimes the belt switches hands but it's pretty much the glitch goes to to run through and people don't talk about this as like wow this era right now you know heavyweight boxers are it's not a great era it's not a great era no it's not a like a holyfield or lennox lewis yeah and there's and there's and then like another guy would pop up you know beau would pop in and you'd be like oh shit who's this guy It's weird that two white guys are running shit Two white Russian dudes Who are doctors

Are running shit I went to this boxing gym In Glendale And there was a guy there who trained a bunch of them And he said basically like those guys They train like alright A thousand right crosses like yeah they're willing to do some shit that americans are not willing to do they're like

start that shit over and so like technically every punch is always exactly like executed yeah like never off you watch them it's just like it's perfect execution and it's not exciting before anybody has a chance to get good, they nip him. Go get him quick before he gets... As soon as the guy becomes remotely into contention, go get him. And the guy, the trainer guy was like, he's foreign, so he has this heavy accent. And he's like telling me about like different... He's like, now, have you ever fight with a Mexican?

You know, they're like dogs. They're just going to fight, fight, fight, fight. I'm like, okay. I was like, do you tell everybody that? Jesus dogs. They're just going to fight, fight, fight, fight. I'm like, okay. I was like, do you tell everybody that? But it's such that foreign mindset. I'm like, this is,

this is how it is. Just racism is a big deal. He's like, you got to take a Mexican down because they'll never stop fighting. And I'm like, okay. Jesus Christ.

And then he's like, the blacks, oh, please. Just great. And you're like, okay. That's great.

What was he? He liked fighting black guys? No, he was like he was talking about Floyd and he was just like technically just fantastic puncher.

Floyd Mayweather does everything perfect. But on top of that has out of control skills and improvising skills. Reflexes, skills. And improvising skills. And he's trained perfectly. I mean, his brother, Roger, you know, I mean, his uncle, Roger Mayweather, was a fantastic boxer. His dad was a good boxer.

Talk about Victor Ortiz. Yeah. That was the best soundbite ever from 24-7. That thing was so ridiculous, that fight. I love that shit. That fight was so ridiculous. I love that shit. That fight was so ridiculous. He sucker punched that dude. The guy's looking at the referee, and he's like, bitch, we're still fighting.

Crack. We're fighting, yeah. Blam. That was weird of Ortiz, though, too. He's a silly bitch. And then he kind of gave it up. But then we talked about, what's his name? I like the way Victor Ortiz fights, though, man.

That guy's crazy. Yeah, he's a tough guy. He just messed up. He just made an error. Yeah. What's the Filipino? I like the way Victor Ortiz fights, though, man. That guy's crazy. Yeah, he's a tough guy. He just messed up. He just made an error. Yeah. What's the Filipino? I can't even think right now. Do you know who's the...

Manny Pacquiao? Pacquiao. How dare you call him the Filipino? One of the greatest boxers in the history of the world. I just blanked on his name. Maybe the greatest. If you really think about accomplishments. But he leaves the ground.

Oh, yeah. He throws his legs into his punches. He's really think about accomplishments. But he, you know, like he leaves the ground. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Throws his legs into his punches. And it's fucking powerful, man. Woo! He hits so hard. A lot of his power comes from his legs. He's a powerful dude.

Manny Pacquiao's a fucking murderous puncher. When he fought, what the fuck's his name? The dude, he broke both his eye sockets. Shit. Margarito. Yeah, Antonio Margarito, right? The guy who was disgraced for using plaster his eye sockets. Shit. Margarito. Yeah, Antonio. Margarito, right? Yeah.

The guy who was disgraced for using plaster in his knuckles. Yeah. Yeah. Boy, he paid that price. Karmically, he paid that price, man. Because Pacquiao beat his fucking eyes in. He beat his eyes so bad, they had to replace the lens in his eye with an artificial lens. Oh, my God.

Yeah. Did he ever fight again? Yep. Fuck yeah, he did. Yeah, he got back in there. Jesus Christ he did yeah he got back in there jesus christ he got back in there fought miguel cotto and miguel cotto was one of the guys who he beat where they suspected he did something to his gloves because he was fucked a dude up like murderously fucked him up and he never really did that with anybody like he was just knocking

motherfuckers out cold cotto no no margarito Before they found the plaster in his gloves Because he did it to Kodo though, right? Yeah, he did He did the first time But the second time Kodo stopped him Yeah But it was I think it was like a cut or some shit

That stopped him But Margarito Couldn't really hit as hard After they caught him with the plaster Yeah, I don't know That was That's scary shit to think That a guy was like making his career

putting rocks in his gloves. What a mean dickhead. Yeah. Yeah. He's not, he's totally cheating. Yeah. And getting away with it.

And giving you like definitely fucking more aggravated brain damage than you would be getting. You know what I mean? He's hitting you with fucking casts

in your face. Yeah. Like that's really shaking up the inside of your head there was a fight during the i think it was the 80s where uh a guy had pulled panama lewis had pulled the stuffing out of a guy's gloves i remember that and it was this kid i believe the kid's name was louis resto the boxer and then the other one was billy collins i think it was i forget i forget what the kid's name was Louis Resto, the boxer. And then the other one was Billy Collins, I think it was. I forget what the guy's name was. But the poor kid, it ended his career. Because he just got bare knuckled in the face. Well, he crashed into a tree.

They think he committed suicide. And the guy, Panama Red was... Panama Lewis. Lewis was suspended years. The fighter fighter i don't think he ever fought again and he denied any you know wrongdoing until a few years ago and he he gave it up on camera really yeah yeah the boxer which fight about the the fight that you're talking about but they found that right away, though. But the guy that was guilty of the guy who Panama was training?

Yeah, I believe it was Lou Resto. He denied it. He was like, I didn't know. That he didn't know. Exactly. It was an accident. So that's silly. You wouldn't know what the first punch you threw.

His family always had his back. They were like, it wasn't on him. And then on camera with his family there, he was like, no, I know what I did. And they're just devastated. That's a terrible, terrible, terrible thing to live with, man. That's not just cheating. That's like, oh, that's horrific, man. Yeah, you basically, you know.

You ruined a guy's life. Yeah, you did. Ruined a guy's life. A guy who was really good at competing under a set of rules. And you just fucking totally hijacked the whole thing on tv you stupid fuck yeah on tv beat a guy up with no no padding in your gloves that's unreal so you just bare knuckled crazy you cheated you cheat an asshole isn't it crazy that you still get all these guys every single year in every sport that all still cheat cheat and you know the olympics they took some i forget someat. And, you know, the Olympics, they took some, I forget,

somebody's medal was, you know. One guy had marijuana in his system. Oh, really? Yeah, the motherfucker. Had weed in his system? Yeah, some skier or some shit. That's not a skier I can see. Someone got kicked off the team for weed.

Was it judo? Oh, there was a judo guy. Yeah, there was a judo guy who got kicked off. But you see the performance enhancing shit, and you're like, how are you still, like, you know they're going to come after you, man. There's a lot of different shit that people are doing that they've got away with in the past, I think,

and they're slowly starting to clamp down on that thing. And fucking Armstrong. Well, this is crazy. Well, the crazy thing about Armstrong is he's only done by this one, like like it's an american thing that's gone after united states anti-doping whatever the fuck it is yeah but that has nothing to do with the tour de france so when they say that he doesn't have the uh the eight tour de france notice i say france yes sophisticated i've been to the airport in Paris. Paris, we shan't talk.

They're saying that... I thought they did have jurisdiction. They do? I thought so, because, I mean, everything that I saw was he was stripped of his second title. Yeah, I've heard that he was stripped by these people, that they don't recognize it. But I don't know if he was necessarily stripped by whoever the fuck puts on the Tour

de France. He definitely did what they said he did. You think so? Look at you. Tommy Guns is throwing in. 100%. I do not believe in these witch hunts for people that are essentially heroes. Nobody accuses Michael Jordan of having done this. Nobody accuses Joe Montana of having done this. Nobody accuses, you know, Joe Montana of having done this.

They do it because it's there. His teammates have all come clean about it. They've all said, we all did this shit. Everybody. And then when you finally have your chance, you finally have your chance to be like, this is the last. He's like, you know what? Enough's enough. Really?

Enough's enough? enough's enough that's the i'm just tired of fighting this fight well you have a chance now this is your fine this is the like the the final lap of the of the race this is when you go i'm just you know what the man at some point just well he's been in his defense he's been defending it for years but you give up and let them just like take your name and well do you know that he has passed, and I'm just playing devil's advocate here, but do you know that he's passed like 500 drug tests? Yes, I do. I do.

But why is there a witch hunt to get somebody like that? I don't, I don't, this is what gets me. You ever see a dude who's like killed his wife and he's on the news and they're accusing him of, you know, like, why'd you do it, why'd you do it? And he's like, I didn't, didn't do anything. And you're like, that is not how you would react if your wife was killed, and they were dragging you off, and you were innocent.

You would be freaking the fuck out. What happened? You lost your loved one? You're a crazy person. You're a crazy person that they caught doing something. Yeah. But, like, you think that they would go after him, though, if there wasn't any evidence to support that? I don't know.

Like how? No, I'm saying for Lance, right? I mean, I don't know what they can do. I mean, I think once he's passed the drug test, he passed like 500 fucking drug tests. But here's the thing. Where's the evidence? What do you have?

Do you have any of his blood? And you can run it through a machine and find some shit that we didn't find before? If you don't have that, then what are you doing? I think they do have it. They probably have that. But if they do have that, that would be, no. They would have said they had that. If they do have that, they would have put that shit in the news.

They would tell you what it is. It's not something that you can keep a secret. They have some sample, because some sample was referenced. Was some sample referenced because he tested positive for EPO? Wasn't that? I feel like he tested positive for something. But whatever the fuck it is, you should have either got him back then or you need to let it go and realize that now with your new super sophisticated methods of testing, he might not have passed those tests before.

But guess what? He did. Let's fucking move on. Yeah. Well, you know, leave the guy alone. I mean, you're going to ruin his life because he did exactly what everybody else did. He just was better at it because that's what happened. So, but if they were after him, you got to be,

you have to assume that he's a real motherfucker. Here's my question, man. Why does he have to tell anybody that he was if they were all doping okay and that's what we're assuming that's the case we're assuming that everyone at the top of the list and by the way a lot of the doping does not necessarily even have to be unhealthy like the blood transfusions that's not unhealthy blood doping is not unhealthy it just is an unord an inordinate amount of blood in your body you have a much more easy way of producing oxygen you uh you can process oxygen better that's why being dehydrated

is so bad for your cardio it's like one of the most important things for you know outdoor exercise well that was um i think uh that was uh fuck how would, how would they describe it? I just don't think any of them can achieve the highest level without doing at least some of that. If it's not blood doping, if it's not taking EPO, if it's not taking some fucking roots that boost your testosterone that are legal today but won't be legal in six months from now when they find out about it. It seems like if everybody is doing it at the very top of the list, if all those guys on his team got busted,

it can only make sense that he could do it, too. Right, so I just think that, for me, the assumption that I make, and again, I realize that I'm not privy to any of the evidence or information, but the assumption that I make, and again, I realize that I'm not privy to any of the evidence or information, but the assumption that I make is if all these guys say he did it, that he worked with, all his former teammates, coaches, associates, everybody says it, and then the doping agency is so adamant about pursuing it. Why?

Why would you do this if there's nothing there? Why are you trying to get there like Pete generally that doesn't happen people don't go after somebody just because do you think that's because like prosecutors sort of get a wild hair across their ass and like we're gonna go get this guy and then it becomes like a competition it could be that's that's definitely possible and they get they get you know they that that obviously happened like in that Duke lacrosse case where the the uh the prosecutor there was like he made a fucking show of it like we're gonna right before even like reviewing uh what like the information and the evidence right and then he paid a huge price because he was boasting and trashing them

before they even got in a courtroom and ended up fucking losing his license to practice but i think part of that what he did before was from that charge he got of like i'm gonna put these these rich entitled kids uh fucking in their place watch this right now and then it came back to bite him so yeah i think there is probably some of that people going after the big name but i just don't see i don't see them trying to do this to him for no reason. I just don't see this. I agree with you, but I don't know what the reasons are. I felt like if the guy passed that many drug tests,

and if everybody was doing what he was doing, if that's what they're saying, was he just better in spite of the doping? If everybody was doping and he was the best. He's a super talented athlete. Yeah, clearly he's unbelievably disciplined. So if you're telling me they all doped, isn't that not a level playing field then?

It's like the baseball argument. They're saying this is like the asterisk, whatever, era. Because at first it was like a few guys and then a few more. And then you're like, hold on. Did everybody just juice for this five or ten year period? Right. And it's looking like a huge percentage where it's not even news anymore. Right.

When you find out that all the big superstars did it. Yeah. All of them. It's craziness. All the home run records were broken in that era. When you look at Mark McGuire now and you hear him talk about it, and you hear him, you know, he just like broke down when he was describing sure what he did you look at the best is when you see like uh when he was like an oakland a bash brothers era and you see him and he's like you know he's like six four and he looks

like a fucking pencil dude i did a tv show with him did you really he was on an episode of hardball back when he was really skinny man super thin he was young this is the pre-hgh days he turned into a gorilla he just went crazy with that working out but but look at the dividends man all of a sudden he's just overriding balls yeah and and but bonds too and you see pirates uniform and you see him in his uh shit It's fucking ridiculous Do you remember how big Canseco was? Yeah he's a monster Dude

I was walking I was working rather In the Boston Athletic Club When I was 19 And Canseco was in town And he needed somewhere To work out And they must have been

Staying close to the Boston Athletic Club So they came down And worked out And that guy walked Through the door I was like Jesus Christ

Like on TV With their silly 1860s outfits on They they don't look that big. But when that guy walked through, I'm like, he's like 300 pounds. He's fucking huge. I mean, he might not have been 300, but he was well over 250. He was enormous. I remember the first time when I was like, holy shit, at the size of some fucking humans.

I was in high school and i played in high school football like two hours north of miami and i went with a friend of mine on like a recruiting trip with like his trip down to the university of miami and we're standing on the field and the players run out of the tunnel and i'm looking at dudes in their chest like i'm standing there looking at the numbers and i'm like holy fuck i could never play against guys like this like dudes that were like 6 6 330 and i was like these are fucking animals running around man did people like that exist a hundred years ago i don't think so one of the reasons why i think they might have like every now and then there was a guy that was the the heavyweight champion his name was primo carnera

and he was a like legit giant he was fucking enormous but like the best guys let me see how big primo carnera was i think he was the biggest heavyweight champion ever i think up until like at least like modern times because i think there was some fucking giant Russian dude recently. Yeah. That was even bigger than that. Yeah. But I think this guy lived in like the 50s. I believe it was.

Yeah. He lived until 1967. So he was 7'1". Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Okay. Now, this guy's 6'7".

The Russian guy that I was talking about is 7'1". His name, Nikolai Valuev. He's 7'1". Holy shit. So these guys were giants back then, but Carnera was only 6'7". That's still a big motherfucker. Yeah. Jesus.

Yeah, up until that time, he was the tallest heavyweight in history. And I think today, like, what are the Klitschko's? They're like 6'6". Yeah, they're like the same size. Big fucking dudes. Yeah, they're like the same size. Big fucking dudes. Yeah, they're like the same size. So this Primo Carnera back then, he was like a freak. Yeah.

I did, what was it? I did this fundraiser. He was 275 pounds, this guy was, naturally. That was like, by the way, the biggest size of any athlete through the 80s. In the 80s, I remember that linemen in the NFL were 275, 280. And every team would have a 300-pounder. And you'd be like, holy shit, they got a 300-pounder on the team. And now, the entire line.

What the fuck is that? Is that human growth hormone? What is that? Is that human growth hormone? What is that? Is that steroids in the beef? I don't know. Is that what that is? It's standard now. Everyone's 320, 330.

But what's happening? Is it selective growing? What is it? Cell phones. Is it this is the first couple of generations where they really understood nutrition and made sure the kids have vitamins growing up and they grew to their full potential. Is that what it is? Part of it is that. I bet that has to do a lot with it, right? Yeah, I think that is part of it.

And also, but now you have this thing where it's like there's more education on just... Like, for instance, in sports, everybody has like... You can be like, hey, I want to be this weight. And they're going to program, you need fucking 300 grams of protein a day.

And you need 5,000 calories. And you need to do this type of workout. And you're going to fucking swell up. You can actually set that goal. And somebody can tell you pretty much, manufacture it. Knowing their science, this is what you need to do if you want to obtain that. So you can execute that. But back then, they'd just be like, I i don't know yeah there's definitely that like you

definitely put on more size now than ever before but what what i'm saying is that the actual number of giant humans has increased it's not just like the ability to put muscle on it's like the size of people is just it's more common to see these Primo Carnera guys in athletics today. These six foot seven, just naturally gigantic human beings. Huge. Like that's more common today. It just is. So what the fuck is that?

Why is it more common? Why is there two Klitschko's? There's two giant six foot six guys who are boxing everybody up. There's two giant Russian dudes. You know, just think about how many of those guys exist today. How many giant human beings are out there? There's a dude who fights in the UFC, Stefan Struve.

He's fucking seven feet tall, man. Seven feet? Yeah, I don't even think he's 25. Seven feet tall. The world is not designed for you when you're seven feet tall, man. Dude, he's giant. Sammy Schilt, he's another one.

Seven feet tall. These giant kickboxers. Jesus Christ. Semmy Schilt, he's another one. Seven feet tall. He's giant kickboxers. Jesus Christ. And I guarantee you, kids that are coming up today, the kids that are growing up and are going to be coming to fruition or coming to a full height within the next decade, they're going to be even more giant. It's like people are going to get bigger bigger and bigger till we like start morphing you know we start super giant we're gonna be giants there's no doubt about it man as soon as

they figure out a way to engineer the body selectively we're gonna figure out what's the optimum size you can be and people are just gonna grow to that size you know you're right that like a hundred years ago there was not a fucking bunch of six six three hundred pound people size you know you're right that like a hundred years ago there was not a fucking bunch of six six three hundred pound people do you know how much the average soldier weighed in the civil war how much 125 pounds yeah they were tiny little dudes that's tommy as a fifth grader yeah that is not the same type of human being that we have today because people were malnourished there's everybody's catching fucking diseases There's shit all over everything Babies are dying

Nobody knows how to Wash their hands right It's a mess That was a mess Those are tiny ass little people Those people who lived In the 1800s They were tiny ass little people

Now we just have Gargantuan people And they're getting bigger These Shaquille O'Neal dudes I did Fear Factor With Shaquille O'Neal And I have I stand deck height On Shaquille O'Neal He's I did Fear Factor with Shaquille O'Neal and I have I stand dick height

on Shaquille O'Neal. He's a grown man. I'm a grown man. His dick is in my face. I mean, he's just so different than me. That's a great quote, by the way. I'm standing next to him and we do a countdown. It's hilarious because it's me.

I was like, Shaq, count him down. He goes, three, two, one, go. And the people go and do their stunt. It was really cool because he liked the show. So it was fun having him co-host with me for a day. Sure. But it's just so ridiculous. I'm like a little child standing next to this giant, super nice guy, though.

Jonathan Ogden, offensive tackle, 6'8", like 3'40", he played at. And his hand, he just held two of my little fingers and was like, nice to meet you, and just squeezed a couple fingers. And I realized my hand couldn't even get around, like even simulate a handshake. Yeah. And he also had a conversation with somebody as I was talking to him, like down here.

I was like, yeah, so it's cool to meet you. He was like, yeah, man. And I was like, him like down here i was like yeah so it's cool to me he's like yeah man so this other thing and i was like i'm down i'm like down i was like hey man like a kid like when your kid walks up to you and they're talking to you you're talking to another adult and you're like just hold on and you're talking to the adult and they're like but daddy and you're like just hold on and you just talk over them he did that to me like i was a child and then i just looked up at him and i was like, it was nice to meet you. He like patted the top of my head. Yeah, man, go.

Go about your business. It was not like a human, though. It was like a fucking superhuman. Yeah, it's amazing the variance, you know, how much people vary in the height and size like that. But yet we're still in the same species. Yeah. But a guy like Shaquille O'Neal, it's such an such an extreme version of it fucking huge it's a friendly guy though super super nice guy yeah mike goldberg did a whole season of shack verses with him oh yeah he did a bunch of cool

shit like that was cool yeah box oscar de la jolla and you know it was it's kind of funny he did a bunch of different things i am uh you know do you know the other comic bruce bruce do you know him yes he's a big dude. Big, enormous guy. Not that tall, but probably like 300 plus pounds. Right. I sat next to him on a flight. Did I tell you this already?

No. And I'd never met him before, and I recognized him. So I was like, hey man, I'm a comic. And he was like, oh yeah. He's super fucking nice. And he's just This big Giant looking dude Can I guess where this

Story goes? Where? Sleep apnea No Okay No It's So

Ten minutes into the flight He's got braids And shit So we get We get delayed And first of all We're flying LA Atlanta

And then I'm I'm going on To Lauderdale he's staying he lives in atlanta i guess so everybody that comes on the plane uh who's black says something to him and i'm like do you like do you know these people he was like ah man like these people just they're just fans and i was like like everybody on the plane has stopped and they tell us there's a delay you can get off the plane if you want. And some girl walks by.

And she's like, do you need something? He's like, I'd love a candy bar. And she's like, okay. And I'm like, who's that? He's like, I don't know. So that lady's just buying you candy, man? He's like, yeah, yeah, pretty much. I was like, okay.

Whoa. And I can't tell you how sweet a guy he is. We get the late. The girl comes back, gives him candy. I'm like, just, I love you. And he's like, I love you. Thank you, sweetie. She goes back. We take off.

We start talking comedy. And he's like, I'm doing this tour. I'm touring with this person. I'm doing shows with these people. And I'm asking him, oh, what do you think of so-and-so? And we're talking back and forth about people. And he's like, I'm doing this show right now where i'm uh you know i'm doing some theaters with mike epps i'm opening like for him at these massive theaters and i was like mike epps is a funny fucking dude like just a naturally

funny guy because we're just like talking right he's like oh yeah yeah i was like you know that guy just turned any situation funny he's like yeah but uh ain't no motherfucker funnier than andy griffith and i was like what like what'd you just say and he's like andy griffith i was like are you not eddie griffin right are we talking about andy like the the whistle shit yeah he's like oh man and i'm like are you serious right now he's like you've been to andy griffith museum i'm like what kind of question is that man like what what kind of question and he's like oh man they got the like the the car from the from the show you can you can sit in the car they have like a set like with the kitchen they used to show

the kitchen you can go there you get all the andy griffith shit you ever want i'm like are we in the real world right now he loves andy griffin man he i was like i don't think i like anything as much as you like andy griffin he's like i love andy griffin and i was like clearly and he knew he was like uh you know i'm not exaggerating he was like you know there was two uh black actors that ever appeared on the andy griffin show and i was like wow he's like one was uh february 8th 1963 what the role of tony Are you saying the right date Or are you just making up the date? No, I'm making up the date

But he knew the date Let these people know Alright, he knew the date They're going to fuck this up in Google He knew the exact date And he knew the role And the episode And then he was like

The other one Was April 19th, 1968 And that was when Remember when they couldn't Find their mail I'm like I have not seen these episodes What the fuck

Remember when they couldn't Find their mail I was like I swear to God I was like He Remember when they couldn't find the mail? I was like, I swear to God. I was like, holy shit. Andy Griffith is a shit, man. I was like, Andy Griffith, really? Andy Griffith is a shit. He fucking loves Andy Griffith, man.

Wow. Wow. There's a lot of people that pay homage to the classics. Yeah. There's dudes who really get into old movies and TV shows. I mean, and I've met super fans of some things that you don't expect, but that, for me, was so out of left field. I saw Carol Burnett the other day.

You did? Yeah. She looked good. She looked good. I'm telling you, man. I mean, I think the lady is in her late 70s. She looked very healthy. Smiling, laughing, talking to people.

That show was great. Yeah, it was a great show. It was interesting. We were talking about this the other day. There was a big wave of woman-run shows back in the day where the woman was a star. There was Laverne and Shirley. There was Mary Tyler Moore.

There was Rhoda. There was Maud. Remember Maud? You know? And then there's M was Rhoda. There was Maud. Remember Maud? You know? And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. Right on, Maud. You don't remember that?

That was a show. That was like a big popular show. And then there was the older lady who used to be a model who ran the newsroom. The fuck was that? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Boring ass. Murphy Brown. Murphy Brown.

That boring ass hypnotic what did they do to get people to watch that show for all those years yeah what kind of long time hypnotism program they run that was the show 95 yeah there was a gang of them but i mean that the era of um carol burnett was like there was a lot of lucille ball there was a bunch of them there was a bunch of them like really strong women comedian presences. It's like that has changed quite a bit now. The role that women have on these, you have girls like Chelsea who have their own show, but it's like her personality.

It's not like her being the head of a sitcom. And then there's Whitneyney who had a show that people didn't respond to that well but then people said well it's going to be tweaked and they're going to figure it out but she but genuinely people seem to like her she just has to find like the right vehicle right right but how many of them are there these days it's not it's not like it used to be yeah well especially well also where they need to you know where they're getting their shot you know i mean like you know mean? Like how many people are getting the opportunity to have their show? Yeah.

Because the talent, there's still talent. There's a bunch of talent out there. There's definitely talented comics, female, male comics out there. But they have to get a shot to get their show. That seemed to be like that was an overdrive in that era that you're talking about yeah it's like if you were of women a good yeah of women but also i think just comics too like there was there's an era of pushing the comic to get the show and here's the thing that's funny that you when you're like why how come not that many stand-up let's say

have a show right now right right like haven't we're just like bait an extension of the the comic you look back on that era and all of those shows were hits like the stand-up where the comic was elite a lot of those were hits man yeah there was a few bombs though i was i was there for a few yeah but there's i watched a few i was a part of a few i was i had my own sitcom uh you did pilot for uh nbc once yeah it was called um overseas i don't even think it ever aired anywhere even as a pilot you shot the pilot yeah it was a super expensive pilot but the um the thing about like those uh development deals they try to do with stand-ups is that they would just throw a bunch of money at a comic and then get a bunch of like you know

writers that supposedly had some success on other shows and throw as much shit against the wall and see how much of it sticks yeah you know and i think that it's it's real hard for you to take the one thing that you're fucking awesome at which is stand-up the one thing that you really can completely express yourself you're uncensored you're you you're producing it you're directing it nobody's interfering with your vision of how the joke should play out and there's a big difference between that and being on a sitcom set and then that difference is there's a it's really fun being on a good sitcom it's terrible being on a bad sitcom it's

terrible yeah and it's not as more it's not as much fun and it's not as rewarding as doing stand-up it's just not you know for me at least yeah it's like it's fun doing like a cool sitcom but if i had a choice between watching like the best sitcom ever or watching richard pryor do stand-up i want to watch richard pryor that's the best stuff the best stuff is stand-up so it's like you you do shit that's not as good as the best stuff and it's just because they're paying you to do it that was how i was feeling about it and that thing that you don't really love to do and that they're paying you to do it takes all day and then you don't have as much energy or time yeah left over for the thing that you do love to do i can see

that so the only reason why you should do it is to get exposure for your stand-up yeah which i hear like i mean some of the comics that really like doing comedy doing stand-up that's you know generally what you hear them say is like it's just gonna drive more people to see my show yeah that's how it should be that's how it should be man that's how it should be it's uh the art of stand-up comedy didn't get any respect for a while in the 80s, I think, as an end destination. Because everybody was like, you've got to get a sitcom.

You've got to get a sitcom. That's what Jerry Seinfeld did. That's what this guy did. When did you do your pilot in terms of your career? I did it in the middle of news radio. Oh, in the middle of that. While I was doing news radio.

Yeah, because it was the same producer. And that show spoiled the shit out of me, man. Because they were so good The writers were so good and they were crazy. They would they were so nuts They wouldn't even start a script to like 2 o'clock in the morning sometimes and they would show up and it would be like tape day or rather a rehearsal day and we get like the first 30 pages and they were like We're the first five pages or whatever it was like we're gonna give you the rest later

pages and they were like or the first five pages or whatever it was like we're gonna give you the rest later and then uh scene two would come down at noon and they would shuffle down barefoot and slap it down they would go back and they would they would get to this state of sleep deprivation and come up with this really silly shit and i suspect it was because nobody had informed them about the benefits of weed really yeah i think i think if those guys were stoners they weren't stoners if those guys were stoners what they did sober was brilliant you know if they if those guys were high they could have come up with the most silly and ridiculous show in the history of the universe how many seasons was that show on for five seasons five yeah that was longer even no it was uh just too short of uh syndication like the normal syndication length oh man it is

in syndication oh it isn't but it's two two episodes short we only did 98 instead of 100 you're supposed to have 100 so that they can sell it yeah but it didn't become popular until after it was canceled really yeah became popular when it would air on tv during like regular tv time like seven o'clock and eight o'clock and late night and shit like that when it was syndicated and then people were like this show's kind of fucking funny. It just got monkeyed around back then, man. Back in the day when news radio was out, nobody knew where the fuck

you were. If they moved you from Monday to Wednesday, you're done, kid. Nobody knows. The other thing, more to your point about when you're just in charge of your stand-up, it shows man, you're talking about so many people are giving their input. The executives, the producers, the writers.

It's so many people. We should really do this. We should really lose that. We should really do this. Well, I don't like it when you come out that way. I don't like it when you do that. I don't like it when you... Oh, stop.

Please. I don't care. We can only do this one way. The only way I'm going to get advice is from funny people. I can't get advice from only do this one way yeah you know and I the only way I'm gonna get advice is is from funny people I can't get advice for someone who's a business person it's worth I just gotta tell you that I think that approaching it this way when they give you a comedy note that's just like I had a conversation with a guy I was talking about podcasting those you guys have

really nailed down your brand and I'm like ew it's gross language ew you're gross yeah that's the last thing we've done nailed down our brand ew yeah he's like you know i go what do you mean by that it's like well you know people know what kind of you know what you're putting out there it's like you know you've really well-defined your brand. Ew! Why my brand? What is that? What the fuck are you talking about? You silly bitch.

It's like showbiz talk. Well, we're trying to right now, we're working on his development deal, but we just don't want to sign with anyone. We really want to work on developing his brand. Can you get my brand? Are you a bottle of ketchup, you fuck? Define him.

Why do you need a brand? Who are you? You silly bitch. Yeah, it's so ridiculous. If you're that defined, then you become immobile. You become locked into an Emo Phillips type character. Oh, yeah. Imagine going to see Emo Phillips and he tries to do straight stand up.

You're like, hey, hey, fuckhead. Why aren't you acting like you're poisoned? Weird it up, man. Weird it up. Weird it up, shithead. What's this you just standing there telling me about butter? Okay. Get a move on.

I came to see your fucking funky act. I love it, man. Well, if you're not going to do it, where's Judy Tenuta? I want to see your weird shit. Yeah, I'm here to see your... Hey, did you ever notice? How do you go from doing that to trying to do just regular stand-up? I only give him shit because I know he tells his opening acts not to swear.

Oh, really? Yeah, I've heard from dudes who vote. I don't know exactly. I wasn't really there. They could have been a bunch of bitter twats. Yeah. But I don't remember who it was. They said he got harassed for being too dirty and opening for him.

Man. That sucks. It might have been Heffron. God, I wish I remember who it was. What happened to Heffron? I've had it. Can we get him back in here, man? I've had it said passive-aggressively.

I love Heffron. Before, to me, opening for somebody, like, you say, fuck a lot, huh? And you're like, do I? And they're like, oh, no, no, no. It's not a thing. And you're like, you just made it a thing because you just hinted that it was a thing. Well, in Boston, they used to always decide. Headliners would decide who would open for them.

And they would get them out of here. Breaks the fuck meter. That was the big thing. They didn't want to go on after anybody dirty. Yeah. Because if you wanted to have any sort of shock value to your comedy whatsoever but that just means your comedy's not that good yeah that's how I always fell sure the best guys can go on after anybody it doesn't matter I've seen yeah yeah it's just especially when people

know who they are like I I got a chance to see Hedberg a bunch of times and I saw Hedberg in front of people who were fans and I got to see a Hedberg in front of people who had no idea who he was and there's a big difference