The Joe Rogan Experience - #268 - Joey Diaz

Episode Date: September 20, 2012

Joe sits down with Joey Diaz.

The Mad Flavor represents the Joe Rogan experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. Powerful Joe Diaz. What's up, beautiful? Hey, we had a good podcast with Mac Danzig, and we were waiting for Billy Corbin, who's the director of Cocaine Cowboys. And then I looked down at my phone, and he had been telling me that he had to cancel. So you were close by. You said, fuck it, let's drop in anyway. No, i was on the five getting on the 134 when he called the

first time and i just got in the right hand lane right and i just did 65 like the rest of the civilians yeah when you called back i was on forest lawn and i fucking kicked that into that hov lane i had the sons of anarchy behind me i had this black biker behind me so i knew if the cops were gonna pull anybody he to pull anybody, he was going down first. He was my beard. I got in front of him in the HOV lane and I just shot that motherfucker hellbent for free all the way until you called

me and said, nah. And I said, hold on. I'm back in the HOV lane and I went two cars and there was an unmarked police car in the right-hand lane. He didn't even see me. I just slipped right back behind him and I took my time after that. I just stayed at 65 like a fucking savage. Yeah, that's like a thing that we do out here.

You roll the dice in the HOV lane for a little bit. 400 bucks is what it is? 460. 460, and if you cross the line. And is it a license point? When I go for it, I go for the 920 package. I go for the $920 package. You go over the line, and you fuck.

Because you can only cut into HOV where the lines say you're permitted. Right. So I do the $960 package, which $920 in court, altogether court costs. You got to drop $100 for the victim compensation fund, another $100 from the deaf kids from Chinese society. You're going to run into about $1,600 fucking debt. What is it about minivans in fucking Southern California that makes them think they should be in the left lane?

Kills you. It's ridiculous. Anyone in this great country of ours, when you drive and there's somebody doing 65 in the left-hand lane. They get out of your way. They get out of your way. Only in California, they'll sit there and fucking torment you. And they'll give you the finger.

They don't think that they should have to move. It's something that never made it out here. Back where I grew up, the highways were more narrow. There was a lot of two-lane highways. So it was just good citizenship. Getting out of the lane, there was only two lanes. So if you're in the left lane, you're trying to go fast. If you're in the right lane, you're going slow.

But these douchebags have this wealth of lanes. They have six, seven, eight lanes. It's like, you can go around me. Why don't you just go around me? Why don't you just not be in the fast lane, you twat? Lane number two and do 65. You're going 60 miles an hour in a minivan, and you're mad that people don't want you in their way.

That's ridiculous. You don't have to be in the left lane. That's for passing people, you stupid fuck. And the worst is like when I go up north. Like when you go up north in the 101, after you pass a certain, you stupid fuck. And the worst is like when I go up north. Like when you go up north in the 101, after you pass a certain, it's beautiful. It opens right the fuck up. It's beautiful driving.

And here you are doing fucking 80. You're on cruise. You got the Eagles Hotel California. Yeah. And you get behind a fucking 750 that's doing 65. And that's when I really start to burn. I'm thinking to myself, for starters, he's a Jew driving a German car. How confused is this cocksucker? This cocksucker.

This motherfucker's got no loyalty to his people. That's number one. Number two, he's doing 65. If I got a 7 car, it's because the only reason I would buy a 7 Series, if when a cop pulls me over, I could rip the ticket in his face and call my attorney. That's the only way I would drive a 7, if I could do 90 all the time, Joe. If not, I don't see the beauty in it.

I don't see it. Unless you're going to do 90, then it's okay to get a 7. You mean like a 7 Series BMW? A 753? A 5? If you got a 3, you should shoot yourself. That's a Toyota fucking Corolla. You just paid more.

You wanted to impress people. You know, that's your deuce right there. You're talking about this 3 Series BMW? Yeah. I have an M3. No, but you have an M3. It's a big fucking difference. It's your deuce right there. You're talking about this 3 Series BMW? Yeah. I have an M3. No, but you have an M3. It's a big fucking difference. It's a beautiful car.

Yeah. I love that car. But the people that get the 3 holding on to I'm famous type things. Great cars. Joey, Eddie has a 3. I understand. That fucking thing drives brilliantly. But there's some people who can't afford the 3 that get it.

Oh, I see what you're saying. And basically, it's a fucking Lexus fucking RXL. Well, they have a smaller one than that. They have an i. They have a than that. They have an i. They have a tiny one. They have an IM. It's this tiny little buzz mobile, but it looks like a fucking hell of a lot of fun. You were just showing me that Porsche.

Yeah, the one that some guy- How much does that Porsche grow wholesale, retail? I think that's a- 100. He's got a 991, which is the newest generation. It's more than 100. Okay. That's a Carrera, so you might be able to get that one for less than 100.

It's not the Carrera S You pull me over With that car And I'm like Yes officer Do you know how fast You were doing It doesn't matter

Because this is how I do it What license I don't have Give me the ticket You rip it up You give it to him You give him the name Of your fucking attorney

He's got a yarmulke On it with a star Going through it Here you go Call him in ten minutes He'll tell you What to do A shooting star

Coming out of his yarmulke. A picture of Jesus bleeding on the floor and shit. Here. Remember that. All right, cocksucker? Take this. Take this, cocksucker. You're going to pull me off of doing 90.

I'm in Northern California. You know, when you get up here, it's beautiful to drive. You know, 6 in the morning, do your thing. Yeah, but that area is filled with cops waiting to bag you. Waiting for you. I've seen it. I got pulled over one night on the 130. Because there's parts when you're coming from the 101 north where it becomes hilly.

And you get caught up on those motherfucking hills late night. You got the music on. You listen to the radio, whatever. You're on the phone with your buddies. When you go over that hill, look at your speedometer. Yeah. You're doing 90. Yeah.

By mistake. You're doing 90. They come right behind you. Yeah, there's a lot of spots where they wait. The ride to San Francisco is parking ticket central or driving speeding ticket central. You've got to stick to the law.

Around LA, that's the one leniency we have. There's not that many cops. I'm going to tell you what was ticket city. Boulder. Really? Them commie cops. Them fucking hippie loving cocksuckers now those the cops in boulder had this thing by uh and they were telling me the statistic once it was like one of the highest on the national average this is in the 80s right but on that one iris iris takes

you into longmont uh-huh okay on iris in between uh 28th and 30th Street. They would nail more people. It was like a national. They'd just sit there by the mental health center, and they'd get you on that 20 with the blinking light 35 because if you ain't used to that, you don't know what's cracking. So you don't even see that 35. You're doing 35. All of a sudden, you see 20.

Bam! That's how they get you right there. Boom. I got nailed on that 3520. That's really crazy. When I went to court, they told me at court, they're like, oh, you fell for the fucking... They have a name for it in Boulder at the time.

The Alley. That's where they just... So it's a setup. It's a setup. It's almost like the transition is so quick, it's designed just to give you a ticket. And then somewhere else I just was at, where they said, be be careful because the transition. Nashville.

When you're going from Nashville, like Chattanooga, we were talking one day and they go, dog, they kill motherfuckers there. Really? Because it goes from 75 to 60 within a minute and you don't see it and the cop sits right there. Hey, man, you got to get revenue for the state sometimes. Yeah, well, there's much more of a police state in other places than there is here when it comes to that, when it comes to speeding and shit like that. Like, I remember in Connecticut, like, Connecticut state troopers were brutal. Brutal. Because all they had to do, every day they're just pulling people over.

That's what they're looking for. That's their number one crime. They're just trying to pull people over and write them tickets as much as possible. They become glorified revenue collectors. It's really fucked up. Especially rich white people. Yeah. In the rich areas, they just, they don't give a possible. They become glorified revenue collectors. It's really fucked up. Especially rich white people. Yeah. In the rich areas, they don't give a fuck.

They just sit there. It's crazy that cops actually have a quota that they have to make. And it's been exposed. Like, they were offering, it was in California, there was something they were offering officers something more. If they got more arrests, it was proven that if they got more tickets, that they would get some benefit from it. But you're not allowed to do that because what if nobody speeds at all

and you have to write 10 tickets a day? But what if everybody's – we're assuming that everyone's going to break the law and if that's not the case, that you don't have a job because that's your job basically every day. You're going out there and you're parking, you're waiting for people to go by and speed. Well, if nobody speeds anymore, everybody just quits,

how do you make that 10 ticket a day quota? Well, you don't. What the fuck happens then? What happens then? You pull over people for bullshit? Do you fake tickets? I mean, is it possible that we can get to a point where nobody's doing anything illegal anymore and we don't need

traffic cops if that happens the fuck are they going to do with all that well they need that money they've got that built into the budget the amount of tickets they get they build that into the budget they know it's coming in they know well we get it you know a hundred dollars a hundred speeding tickets a week so we just hand those up. That's $100,000 for this company. L.A. is brutal. It's crazy. That's why when I'm in L.A., I see budgets. They talk about how they're going to shut down the system for three days a week and four days a week that they're out of money.

I just go to Hollywood and look around. That's a money-making machine in Hollywood. They got those black chicks that are angry. Angry sisters driving them ticket motherfucking cars. Those are angry sisters. The brother left her with four kids. She got rickets. You know, shit like that. I mean, these sisters are

beautiful and they're driving around. I had a car in Hollywood that was given to me and they never gave me the registration and the registration expired and they would hunt me down. Did you know that? Really? They would just drive around and give me a ticket every day just on spite for the registration expired and they would hunt me down did you know that really they would just drive around and give me a ticket every day just on spite for the registration they make that motherfucking quote in LA let me tell you something I lay the biggest thing when you move to Hollywood is your first

90 days you get banged up I got Mike I got Stan Hope's car towed one night by mistake really parked it by on sunset I mean it's fucking ridiculous down there. They will destroy you. It feels like they kind of have to be on top of everything, though. There's so many people there and there's so many dirtbags. Oh, my God. They have to. People living in Hollywood, like the percentage, look, there's a lot of nice people in Hollywood. I know

a lot of, like, really normal people. Folks would be surprised when you meet, like, folks, people who actually live in West Hollywood and have, like people who actually live in West Hollywood and have a little house in West Hollywood. I met some really wonderful, nice people there. But there's also a giant percentage of crazy fucks in that city. There's a lot of them.

Young kids, they move here after college. Their parents give them a credit card, go out there for whatever you do until the credit card's over. No, we've seen it at the store. How many people come and go We're just having this conversation this morning at breakfast How many people came out Had seven great minutes

Went to Montreal Got a deal for a quarter of a mil Fucking late 90s, 2000s And once they fucking got down They went to the improv They got sandwiched in between Joe Rogan and Nick Napolo one night And they realized how bad they really were. And they said, you know what?

I'm going to go back and run Daddy's fucking transmission shop. Because the work, and I've seen it. How many people came and went since you've been here? People that were going to be stars. Yeah, there was a lot of that. That's definitely happened. I think it's easy to lose your way, lose your intention. it's easy to lose your way, lose your intention.

It's easy to just fucking get caught up in the fear of it all, the uncertainty of it all, and just get swept away in it. That happens to a lot of people, man. A lot of people that just can't ever build any momentum up, they can't ever build any success up, they're always just slipping around. They just can't get control. And so then they just quit just quit it's too much stress it's too much pressure you know let me ask you this i mean we've been here i've been here trying swinging you know triply's been here swinging and trying you know i mean it's really weird that i just never seen just giving up i always felt

like a lot of times i go to auditions and I see people that were at the store with me doing spots, not running the camera at an audition. People that I knew as actors years ago are running cameras in commercial auditions. And when I'm walking out, they'll chase me. How's it going? Yeah, I started doing this.

I really wanted to direct commercials. And as I'm getting in my car, I'm like, they never really knew what they wanted to do in the first place. They didn't really want to sink their teeth. If I'm getting in my car, I'm like, they never really knew what they wanted to do in the first place. Yeah. They didn't really want to sink their teeth. If I came to you one day and said, you know, I'm going to become a fucking writer. I'm going to become a director. You're like, Joey, what the fuck?

Yeah, no, I don't think I would say that. You know why? Ron Howard. No, no, no, no. You don't understand what I'm trying to say to you. But there's a lot of people that in the middle of the game, they change. Ron Howard was an actor. I've got, you know, a couple years in this.

It's not like you come in here, and there's a lot of people that have gotten here and said, fuck it, I'm not going to do it. I know, I bump into stand-ups. Where's Wild Willie Parsons? Yeah. Where's a lot of, where's Judy Tenuta? Where's a lot of these people that, you know, were working for a long time? Judy Tenuta was huge. Judy Tenuta is still working, by the way.

She still does a movie here or there, but I shouldn't have said Judy. She just came to my mind you were just trying to come up with a name we were at the store a lot of years you know a lot of those guys you just don't in my book

you just never stop being a stand up yeah I don't understand that either but I think for some people it's just the pressure of performing is different

I think the pressure of performing for you and I is that we enjoy it because we know that we're putting in the work. And we want to go up there and give you a good show. We want to go up there and give you some fun.

It's fun for us. It's fun for you. It's fun for us. We want to do it. But for some folks, they just become more private. They don't want to deal with the criticism. They don't want to deal with the critiquing of their work. They don't want to have the stress of it.

And they'd rather get a job like as a writer. That happens to a lot of guys. They just decide, you know what, the-up performing thing it's just too fucking harsh you know it's i would rather get a job as a writer it's easier it's more relaxing and then some of them come back and forth you know the beauty of is that if you really think about it the part of this job is the nucleus is the writing yeah so they're not really strange i'm talking about when somebody comes out here and changes completely fucking different. Right.

Like, I'm a producer now. What? What the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, producer's a weird part. The director kind of makes sense, right? Because that's more of a creative, much more of a creative thing. Or an editor or something along those lines. But yeah, producer.

But maybe they don't like the performing part. Maybe they don't like the artistic part, but they really love movies. I don't know, man. Everybody's got their own fucking path. But for me, I think for you and I, there was only standup. We weren't going to be anything else. We were always going to be standups. And we know that too. And like when we run into someone, we'll know if a guy's real. I'll call you about this guy. I'll say, hey man, have you seen blah, blah, blah? Oh, he's fucking real. That guy's real. That guy's real. Very funny guy. And you know what I mean?

It's like there's a few, there's not that many. There's like, there's maybe a thousand professional comedians in this country. If you really stop and think about it, people that make a living by telling jokes, is there even a thousand? Let's be conservative and say there's a thousand.

And for those, how many of them are like national, like touring headliners? Is it like 300 maybe? 250? 300, something like that? Yeah. It's not that many people like that, man.

And it's because not everybody's supposed to do it. The world doesn't need more than 300 good stand-up comedians. Them enough is enough crazy assholes talking shit and making people laugh. That's like plenty. The vast majority of people will never be a professional stand-up comedian, and they shouldn't be. They have something else. This is just a step on the way to them discovering themselves in some other way.

But for you and I, it was always like, you know, I was on news radio, and one time the producer said to me, why are you doing this? Why are you still doing standup? You're an actor now. And I was like, oh my God, I'm ready to quit right now. I was like, are you crazy? Like, you don't get it. You know, you can't possibly understand how much different it is to be on a set repeating brilliant words that someone else wrote, front of a bunch of other folks who are doing the same thing, and you're doing it in front of an audience that has to see the same scene over and over again.

And then you get to watch it, and people enjoy it, and there's satisfaction in that. But it can't fuck with stand-up? My God, it can't fuck with stand-up. The best quote I've heard in the last six months is by our boy Vinnie Curto. What'd he say? He goes, you know what?

Actors, they get a second chance. They get cut. Stand-ups, there ain't no cut, motherfucker. I mean, for Vinnie Curto to say that, I got goosebumps. My whole body goes, we were having coffee one day and he was talking about comedic. These guys supposed to be comedic actors, get them in a fucking audition room. They die. The people just laugh as a courtesy.

Hey, who did I fight in 1964? Because in mid-sentence, he'll forget who the fuck he's talking about. You know what I'm saying? And then he went right back to that beautiful statement. Yeah. And he goes, all I know is I've been in plenty of rooms with these comedic actors from television show, and once they hear cut, they're fucking in heaven. Stand-upsouts we don't

hear cut i was like damn benny curdle dropping it like a bad motherfucker there's a there's certainly an art to acting no doubt about it definitely but it's definitely there's also the the real thing about auditions is that's not normal you're you're pretending you're sitting down at a desk the guy's holding a piece of paper and you've got to pretend that this is a real scene you've got to pretend it's really happening you're pretending you're in a different environment you're pretending everything

if you're in the movie unless you're doing some crazy fucking CGI screen where everything behind you is a green screen you're actually in Brooklyn you're actually in front of the house you're actually pointing the fake gun at the guy there's a lot of shit going on that would lead you to be better prepared to pretend that you're actually in the scene than being in a conference room. And there's some guy who's reading.

Like, reading. Like, tell us where you put the money or you're going to be in big fucking trouble. Like, that's how the guy reads it to you. And you're supposed to go, what money, guy? You're supposed to be real? Come it's like ridiculous it's so fake that if for you to be real in that audition you almost have you almost have to be fucking crazy for you to be real in that wacky ass audition room i mean that's that dude is not wearing a viking outfit how are you pretending you're on a boat you're just doing it you just pretending. It's some of the silliest shit ever.

They should take auditions that they filmed that were super silly and preposterous, especially for B-movies where they got their cousins. I know a dude who produced his own movie, and he brought all his friends in that don't act at all, and they all played parts. That's how to do it. That's probably the best movie you've ever seen in your life because they don't know

what the fuck's going on. They don't know what the fuck's going on. It's the guy that comes in and goes, me, me, me, me. You know, oh my God.

I trained at Juilliard. It's like, what's his name? What's the guy? I trained Octo. For the last month, Boogie Nights has been on HBO every fucking night.

Every night. You gotta watch the movie. It's a great movie. But who's the guy in that? The crazy guy that tries to make out with Marky Wahlberg? He's in a bunch of movies now. C. Reilly. Not the guy from Step Brothers. Yeah, damn it.

What is his name? With the blonde hair. He's kind of chubby and shit. He's got a bunch of those. C. Nelson Reilly. You can't have a cell like Denzel and him. You can't have a cell phone on set. You can't have a cell phone on set. You can't have a cell phone on set? Well, that's smart, man. If Denzel hears a cell phone...

Paul Thomas Anderson? No, that's director. If Denzel hears a cell phone, he abandons ship. Really? He cannot focus. Well, you know, when everybody got mad at Batman, remember when he screamed at some guy for walking in front of his shot? John C. Reilly?

John C. Reilly. No, that's the crazy guy. But the vinegary big dummy. William H. Macy? No, that's the guy that shot himself. Nina Hartley? No, no, no. What the fuck is his name?

Where's homeboy? He played a camera guy, boom. But he tries to make out with him in 1980. Yeah. He buys the Corvette. What the fuck? Are you sure he's in he tries to make out with him in 1980 yeah he buys the corvette are you sure he's in boogie nights yeah yeah how is this possible oh philip seymour hoffman jesus christ like that guy how do i not remember that guy's name i love that guy i'm a dude you know a movie he's really good in dog he plays himself as like a dick in that movie with jennifer aniston and uh he plays the kid's friend like a dick in that movie with Jennifer Aniston.

And he plays the kid's friend, like a washed up actor that lives in New York. And he's the lead in Jesus Christ Superstar. But he really, I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you seen that? Jennifer Aniston, it's on the plane. Should I watch it one time? Terrible. He's never bad in anything.

No, no, no. The guy's amazing. He's good in fucking Boogie Nights. But last week they were saying that there was an award show in anything. No, no, no. That guy's amazing. He's good in fucking boogie nights. But last week they were saying that there was an award show in Venice, and he showed up with a stained shirt, his hair was fucked up, and he had been on the couch. It's amazing how those guys act because they don't want to act. Let me tell you that I don't care, but I really care. He was in The Big Lebowski, too.

Oh, fuck yeah, bro. That dude's been in a bunch of things. Really good shit. He's the real deal. There's a new movie. They, but I really care. He was in The Big Lebowski, too. Oh, fuck yeah, bro. That dude's been in a bunch of things. Really good shit. He's the real deal. There's a new movie. They say he's really good. There's a new movie. He's good in everything. He's gonna win an award this year, they think. The Master or something. That looks like his other movie, too, though, doesn't it? Where he played

the president. He convinces somebody or something crazy. Played like the president. Who did he play? What movie was that? He played, it came out recently. It wasn't the president. It was somebody famous that he played. But his new movie looks like that movie.

Well, he was in the Ides of March. That was the most famous, I think, recent movie. Are you sure you're not confusing him with somebody else? I'll tell you. What's his name again? Philip Seymour Hoffman. How dare you? Jesus Christ. recent movie. Are you sure you're not confusing him with somebody else? What's his name again? Philip Seymour Hoffman. How dare you? Jesus Christ. He was in Moneyball. He's got movies.

He's good in Moneyball. That's right. He's really good. What's his newest movie? The newest one is A Late Quartet. The Master. The Master is the one they say is badass. Really? He's kind of weird, but he's really good. He convinces somebody to join Scientology. I don't fucking know. He's a beast.

He's a great actor. Capote. He played Truman Capote. Yeah, that's who it is. That's who it is. And those motherfuckers really do go under in their own sense. You know, that's their strength. They take it to the next limit like that.

To watch it, the only guy I've seen in a room that fucks it up in a room like that, I've seen two motherfuckers fuck it up in a room. Let me tell you who they are. Who? Christopher Walken. But one of the baddest motherfuckers that was on his tail was Phil Hartman. Oh, yeah. He could audition.

He was such a professional. Phil Hartman could light up a room by himself, dog. That's a real gift. Not too many. When people clap on a scene yeah when you do a movie scene and at the end when they go cut and the are like yeah like what the did we just see you know when uh they were saying when when they did uh i went one day on the adam sandler when christopher walker was there but they were saying when i got there the days earlier that when that motherfucker does a scene he locks you in on the set.

Like on the set the people were like you have to look at the person to cut, cut, cut! And they're like oh fuck. That's how much he locks you in. And bro when you watch that movie where he shoots himself. You know D.D. Mao and Deer Hunter. I was watching that

about two months ago. He was brilliant. He locked me in. He's playing the fucking guy that's, that's all he was, he was on heroin, whatever they were giving him in Vietnam. And he was on a game of his. He made money by playing Russian roulette. How do you prepare for that character? Do you want to tell me?

Do you want to, what acting teacher on mel rose yeah to tell you about that think about that and that you know he had to come up with that character from somewhere so there was walking around there so you know what my family i've already killed 50 donkongs vietnam i killed everybody russians french i'm just gonna practice killing myself now they put that band on they They do a little bit of number two. And that shit was pure over there. It's like bouncing. Did you see him in that? Remember that What's-His-Name came to get him?

And he couldn't get through to him. They were childhood friends. He couldn't get through to him, bro. Imagine how deep you are playing that. That's a scary fucking thing. Thinking that you're going to. What are you doing tonight? I'm going to go shoot pool.

I'm going to go over here. I'm going to play Russian roulette for a few hours. I'll see you over at the fucking. I'm going to tear your room. How crazy are the Russians if here. I'm going to play Russian roulette for a few hours. I'll see you over at the fucking... I'm going to tear your robe. How crazy are the Russians if they came up with that? Is that who invented it? I guess. It's called Russian roulette.

Brian, know anything about it? I have no idea. I mean, is that what it's... That must be the invention of Russian roulette, right? Christopher Walken made a movie that's not a popular movie. I mean, one of his best movies was the one where he takes the acid. What movie was that? Natalie Wood.

Isn't there a movie where he does something? Altered States. Who's in that? No, Altered States was... John Hurt? Yeah, William Hurt. Julian Hurt. William Hurt.

Yeah, William Hurt played the scientist. But for me, one of the best times I ever seen Christopher Walken was in a movie called That Close Range with Sean Penn. He played the dad, right? The dad. He's very good in that. Very fucking good in that. He's so good.

And the movie, like the week before they pulled the budget or something, so the movie never. Madonna's got the soundtrack. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I ran away. That was a good movie. Yes, that's a very good movie. You haven't watched that? People have been hitting me up for a good movie lately.

Watch At Close Range, 1985. That was a good movie. Madonna. You know who don't have lines in that movie? You know who's in that movie? That don't have lines? Who was the star of 24? He ain't got a fucker. Keith Sutherland? Keith Sutherland and Crispin Glover.

He's in that movie. Sean Penn's brother. I mean, they're fucking phenomenal. This is a phenomenal... It was a good fucking movie, man. I get goosebumps thinking about when he tells Sean Penn, I'm not gonna rob you no more. And he's like, what are you gonna do? You got a girl, you got rent,

you got a job, what are you gonna do? What are you gonna do when you get there? Fuck you! And they start getting it out, he buys a quarter ounce of weed from him, and he shoots the girl, and then at the end, Sean Penn comes to his house with a 9mm. And at the end, he goes, freeze, with a 9mm and at the end he goes freeze motherfucker.

Don't even spoiler alert. Oh my god. Don't spoiler alert the whole movie. Oh my god. I'm getting goosebumps just thinking I forgot all about that. That's a great movie. And here's the clinker. I'm at Caroline's.

I'm doing the motherfucking Toyota Comedy Festival. They put me up, you know, 1255. The show was, you know, there's nine people, but I made the festival. But guess who stayed? The assistant from the Sopranos, right? So she comes up to me and she goes, are you busy tomorrow? This is when the Sopranos first started. I go, no.

And she goes, would you mind coming to my office at 11 o'clock? Somebody wants to meet you. This is a true story. I go, what? And she goes, she wrote the paper. She goes, here's where you're going to go at 11 o''clock I was headed to Buffalo for 450 dollars as a feature okay and she goes no no no no you got to come to my office tomorrow so I go to this place it's on 48th street it's up the block from Roger Paul's office and I'm sitting out front and a blonde chubby lady cute real like you

could tell she was hot and he gets out of a cab and sees me and go excuse me are you an actor and i go no i'm gonna stand up and she goes do me a favor go up to my office and leave your name and number and i go what office she goes whatever walking and i go my 11 o'clock i'm your 11 o'clock and she goes oh my god my assistant called me last night come come forget the coffee and on the elevator i go can I ask you a personal question? And really, Christopher Walken's wife is just like, fuck, yeah. And I go, I fucking love that dude. And I go, his best movie's at close range. A lot of people would say Deer Hunter.

This bitch looked at me, and she goes, you just got three quarters in my door. That is his best movie. We have an argument at the house every day about it. So what was this about that you got dragged into? They dragged. No, no. I'm talking about the story with her. It wasn't the Sopranos.

They called me in for an audition. But this woman who brought you in. It was Christopher Walken's wife. Oh. And she was working for the Sopranos? She casted. Oh, wow. Her and her partner cast the Sopranos.

She's doing that not anymore. Now she's retired. She retired after the Sopranos. But before that, it was Christopher Walken's wife that put you in that show. That's who you met with. Wow. That's crazy. she's retired. She retired after The Sopranos. But before that, it was Christopher Walken's wife that put you in that show. That's who you met with. Wow, that's crazy. That's crazy. Yeah. It makes sense, though. Successful relationship

with a lot of those people. It's all in the business. People understand how nutty that business is, you know? I was thinking about it when they started accusing him of throwing that Natalie Wood off the boat and shit. Christopher Walker? Wasn't he on the boat? No, no, no.

Yeah, he was on the boat. But that's not who they thought did it. No, no, it was, you know, It Takes a Thief. Yeah, what is his name? Robert Ragnar? Robert Ragnar. It Takes a Thief. I just took you deep.

What was the show he had after that with the redhead? With the hot redhead. Jesus Christ, you're killing me. I kill you, dog. I take you deep. Brian, you weren't even around for a taste of thief. Your head would have fucking exploded. How do you say his name again?

Robert Wagner. Wagner? W-A-G-N-E-R. Redhead. Oh, Stephanie motherfucking Powers. She was the first original cougar. Yeah, they think that he killed her man There's a guy who apparently

Is putting out a book Right They think that he killed Natalie Wood Yeah his memory came back After 20 years Once he got the book deal Once they gave him

Once they gave him the 50,000 He fucking remembered He snapped out of his alcoholism He's been on a couple NCIS's Yeah remember he snapped out of his alcoholism he's been on a couple uh ncis's yeah and a few two and a half men's i wonder what the fuck man wow that's a crazy thing that to i mean if this guy bullshitted it, could you imagine if your wife died in a tragic accident

and then years later some motherfucker is writing a book claiming that you killed her and you have to deal with the fact that you lost her anyway and you loved her and you miss her and this guy who, you know, who knows why the fuck he's... Is that you breathing? No. I'm just sitting here holding my breath, cocksucker.

No, what was her name again? Natalie Wood. Bro, she was beautiful. If he didn't kill her, if he really didn't kill her, then this guy, what a piece of shit this guy is. That would be a horrible thing. And it's based on when they got back from fishing, something like that. And if he did kill her, well, he's a piece of shit and this guy's a hero, right? Yeah.

For keeping chasing after it. Wow. This is really interesting. The only full sentence I could completely decipher during the entire argument was, Get off my fucking boat, said by Robert Wagner. Whoa. The day after Wood's body was found off the coast of California, this guy, Davern, said that he was asked to go to Wagner's bedroom in his Beverly Hills home, where he met with a lawyer and was told to say nothing. The captain wrote, Wagner informed me he would hire an attorney who would handle my statement about Natalie Wood's disappearance and drowning, which he did before Natalie Wood's funeral.

I signed a statement, appointed district attorney, drafted, one completely void of the facts surrounding Natalie Wood's disappearance. Wow. That's crazy, man. They might have got drunk, and he threw her off the fucking boat, and she just drowned. What year was that, brother? 1981. November 28th, 1981. Wow. just drowned. What year was that, brother?

1981. November 28th, 1981. Wow. They got in a drunk fight and he threw her off the boat. Holy shit. If this guy's telling the truth, that's horrific. That guy's got to live with that. And goddamn, Natalie Wood was hot, too.

Oh my god. She was hot, son. No makeup, no Clairol. That was 1981, though. That bitch waked up, drank a glass of Arnish juice, and that's what she looked like. Yeah, this is really crazy, man. The detectives who was at the heart of the original case said that he believed Wagner's account. He added that the actress was very small so that it was believable that she drowned quickly. Wow.

Yeah, Christopher Walken. Was on the boat. Yeah. Wow. It says, Christopher Walken began talking about his total pursuit of a career which he admitted was more important to him

than his personal life. He clearly thought Natalie should live like that too. Wow. So they got in an argument. That was what started off the argument. It sounds like Christopher Walken was trying to get some pussy. And Robert Wagner was there, and they were all drunk, and they were all getting shitty with each other.

And he fucking threw her off the boat he tried to be captain save a hoe and robert wagner said what bitch you ain't going home with nobody grabbed her by the fucking head doing through in that ocean oh well that's so scary man which could have happened we weren't there who the fuck knows oh Oh, man. They had dead kids, too. Dead kids? Yeah. They had two children. Oh, God. What a mess. Dude, is there anything worse than relationships gone wrong where you're screaming and yelling at each other while drunk? That is like one of the lowest forms of mankind.

A relationship gone wrong where you're both drunk and you're yelling at each other. Get off my fucking boat. wrong where you're both drunk and you're yelling at each other, get off my fucking boat. It's just Charles Bukowski-esque and it's sadness. Whatever woman you date, you gotta do the opposite. If she

has a cocktail once in a while, you smoke reefer. That's the deal. She smokes reefer, you have wine. When you both do something that's the same, it's not going to pan out for you. It seems to be that it works on some people. Some people are professional pool players. They're both men and female, both professional pool players, and it works. Some people do that with golfing, and it works.

Some people do that. It works with comedians. Tom and Christina, the perfect example. It works great. It fucking works. Those people are happy as fuck. Tom and his wife are super happy. It's not always.

But it's low percentages is what I'm trying to say. What I'm trying to say is every time I've dated a woman when I was younger, let's say she did blow and I did blow at first it was great because she's sucking your dick, you're lighting her asshole on fire. But then, somewhere along the line it gets astray where

she's watching you because you got it And you don't want to share it with her You know what I'm saying? You got your period, bitch You're no good to me So you're doing blow by yourself And all of a sudden she's like, are you doing blow? No

And your jaw's going, now she wants to do a line Now she wants you to fuck And she's got that blood pool And you're on the blow, fuck that When a chick had a period, I don't show up Really? Yeah, fuck you Just in case she even hints at that I made that mistake one. When a chick had a period, I don't show up. Really? Yeah, fuck you, just in case she even instep that. I made that mistake one time when a chick's out with a period

and then she started getting naked and she had the fuse from the front. And after like five or six hours, they can only suck your dick so many times. So I'm like, maybe I'll eat her ass. And I went to eat her ass. She had like a half a hammer and I said, fuck that shit. The next day, Mark Babbit picked me up. Half a hammer. The kiss of death picked shit. The next day, Mark Babbitt picked me up. Half a hammer. The kiss of death picked me up.

Where is he these days? I don't know. I don't know. I think he's the vice president of the Sandusky Corporation and shit-ticking. Mark Babbitt was the head of the laugh stop in Houston during the glory days. The glory days where you would go there. People don't know about Houston, Texas, man. People do not know about Houston, Texas, what it used to be.

First of all, it's the very first place in the country that I could sell out shows. The very first place was Houston, Texas. And when the laugh stop was in its prime glory, they had a Monday night open mic night where they would go from fucking whatever they started. Was it 8? 8 p.m. they started? That shit would go straight on until 2 o'clock in the fucking morning and the place would it 8? 8 p.m. they started? That shit would go straight on until 2 o'clock in the fucking morning and the place would be packed.

Packed. And there was a hundred comics looking at it on stage. Comedy store style. People would come at 7, leave at 10, and another hundred people would come at 10.30

and leave at 2. It was a legit scene. There were legit comics out of that scene. There were good comics. But the scene crumbled and a lot of guys stayed there and guys that jettisoned they came to la but they didn't find success quick

enough it wasn't what they thought it was going to be they didn't adapt for whatever reason and we lost a lot of guys who like in my opinion you know could have been like fucking all all-time funny guys really fucking funny guys they just for whatever reason they never got out of that houston scene but that houston scene was a motherfucker man it's kinnison and hicks left behind the remnants of that scene they started it when they had that um the annex the the comedy annex which was in houston and that's where kinnison was just on fire man he was just coming out of the gates gun but he was so unique that his opening acts would all sound like him they'd all start talking like him they all would do like his cadence

they couldn't help it it's like they thought they were so hypnotized by him they thought that might be the only way to do comedy now you know and they they would they would go on stage like you would watch them you're like this guy's like doing a kinnison impression this is weird that's how much of a he was and so when kinnison left it was just boom just left this ripple of a community and you know there's all in jimmy pineapple and all these other guys that that toured with them and they were part of the outlaws you know they were all sort of left behind and some guys some guys survived and some guys didn't but But that was the burst of that scene. It was Kennison. And then fucking nothing, man.

No nothing. I know they had the comedy union going for a while. And they got the Houston Improv. Houston Improv, how's that? Do they have open mic nights? I think they have open mic nights on Wednesday, but not like that. Gotta have open mic nights. They don't understand. But I think they have a mic night on Wednesday, but not like that. Gotta have open mic nights. They don't understand.

But I think they have a couple rooms around town in Houston. Yeah? I haven't talked to Slick. That other laugh stop's done. The new laugh stop's done, right? Done. Everything's done. The last spot is done.

That's done, too. Yeah, so all that's left is the comedy showcase, which is on the south side and the improv. Or a theater, or the House of Blues there is more popular. The improv must have closed a lot of places down because they get the top talent. Like if you're going to a town and there's an improv, that's the top talent. You know, it always is.

It's always you look at the lineup. It's Jim Brewer. It's this guy. It's Tracy Morgan. It's always like top-named guys. So when a club like that moves into your town, it's probably hard to be the laugh stop. And I think the only reason,

because is that they didn't keep up the same level of quality. They had like local headliners. It was like one of the few places where like San Francisco's one, Denver's one, and Boston's another one where you have like legit local headliners.

But like there's, nobody talks about like legit local Chicago headliners. How many guys are like in Chicago that are just headlining clubs around Chicago? There's not that many. Larry Reeb. Larry Reeb. He's been around for a long, long time. The teacher.

Who else is out of Chicago that I knew? There's a funny fucking guy. I always forget his name, and it's a shame, because I thought he was one of the best monologists I ever saw on stage. You don't remember his name? No, he's a school teacher. He's got like four kids, and he doesn't like traveling, so he just does Yoda rooms and anything local in Chicago.

But the story goes that one night he was on stage, and the rumor was in the old days when Kennison would do a theater, he would go right to the local comedy club and get on stage. Really? So they said that one night they told him before the night, they go, look, we don't want to offend you, but Kennison's coming in. When he comes in, we're going to give you the light.

Wow. Just get off, we'll pay you. And they said that Kennison came in. Now, I had worked with him in Myrtle Beach, and I left in awe of him. He had one bit about getting on a bus, and I was just dying. And somebody told me this story years later.

Kennison came in and they were like, we'll get him off the stage. Kennison was ordering a drink. I started listening to the guy and go, no, no, no, no, no. Let me watch the guy. That's how good to get. Now he's got, this is 10 years ago when I worked with him. Kennison must have been a fan of comedy.

You can't get that good without being a fan. He told the guy, do you want to go on the road? And the guy's like, dog, I'm dead. I got a wife, a kid, I'm a school teacher. And Kenison was like, have you ever fucking come to LA? Look me up. Wow. And he's a great kid.

He still works. He still works locally, you know? It's nice when you find new talent on the road. And that's where we found Tommy Segura. We did that Maxim comedy tour. Tommy Segura was one of the opening acts. They would have a new Opening act in every place And you know

Some guys were pretty good But Tommy really stood out I was like This kid's fucking good How cool is Tommy Segura Oh he's the nicest guy I am in heaven lately I have coffee

With Bert Kreischer Three times a week Ah beautiful Two blocks from my house You know Now I can meet Chris McGuire At the Starbucks

He just wrapped up The burn The burn They had the rap party Last night You know I was with Brody This morning Now I can meet Chris McGuire at the Starbucks. He just wrapped up the Burn. He had the wrap party last night. I was with Brody this morning. We know a lot of really nice people. Yeah, bro. Tony Heincliffe. Brody said a joke last night.

That motherfucker's bad to the bone, Tony Heincliffe. Brody said a joke last night in the Burn, and I immediately knew fucking Tony wrote it. That's how much of a fan I am of Tony's. He goes to McDonald's. He eats the Happy Meal, but he keeps the burger or something like that. Something very witty. I'm not giving it justice, but it made me fucking laugh.

Hinchcliffe's a very good writer. And I knew he was. It was Tony's. I knew it was Tony's. We were real lucky that we know so many cool, funny, nice people. We all feed off of each other you know that's a very important part of uh any like real strong scene a real strong community you know and i think we're a part of a very strong uh and fun stand-up community you know

this is uh more more of a community now i think uh at this stage in our lives than it's ever been before. And we think about all the people that we're, like, networked with. You know? It's pretty unusual. And how everybody's doing so well. Like, I just got off the phone with Aubrey, went down to see Ari in Austin. Last weekend.

Yeah, and I was talking to Ari. I was like, Ari, you fucking headlined the Cap City Comedy Club. Like, that's legit. Cap City Comedy Club in Austin, that is a legit weekend. You headlined a legit club. And for the longest time, dude couldn't get book places. No. And now, you know, you see him headlining a legit place.

It's like, wow, seeing your friends prosper and seeing people around you prosper and seeing them grow and seeing them do shit that's hilarious on stage man it's like nothing more energizing there's not nothing more beneficial to you as a person and your growth and your own inspiration because it's like inspiration without jealousy it's inspiration without you know without any of the the negative aspects attached to it like no fear or insecurity that's causing you to be inspired to action. No, you're just inspired by watching somebody else do what you do, someone that you love, so you'll like watching them up there killing.

Four years ago, I was very disillusioned with this business. Were you really? Yeah, it was after the Carlos thing and the comedy store where they all went back and there was no real solidarity. I became a comic because of people like Lenny Bruce, that he would do comedy and then shoot over to the Chelsea and shoot heroin with the jazz musicians and fuck a stripper. That was the lifestyle I wanted. When I was 28, I was a little crazy and I was content with that. I couldn't handle a family. I was pretty

content with that. Knowing you're content with that is great. I was a little disenchanted. I'm not going to lie to nobody here. I didn't want to do it and I didn't want to hang out with those fucking people at the store ever again. I didn't want to see them. The real problem was when that all went down, everybody sort of pussied out. They pussied out. Except for you and Ari. You and Ari were the only ones. Ari took

like a year off of that place and you never went back. I take my friends and family serious because at the end of the day, that's all you got. I got no family. And on top of that, I know the old thing. You know, you got to close one door before another one opens. We were done at the store. I was done at the store. And I went and applied for a job as a car fucking salesman.

I took the piss test, but obviously the thing melted. So from the THC, so they never called back. They were scared. And all of a sudden, one day. What kind of cars were you going to sell? Ford, right on my block. Friendly Ford. I could sell, like,

I could sell chariots. I don't give a fuck. You come in, I'll sell you a chariot. You know what I'm saying? You know me, dog. I'll sell you a fucking chariot. It don't matter.

You know, the car I'm selling today, this is the best car on the market. This particular car today, fucking Mercedes. This Ford Taurus will rock your fucking world. Even though, in the back of my head, I don't, you market. This particular car today, fucking Mercedes. This is Ford Taurus or Rocky fucking World.

Even though in the back of my head, I don't, you know. But, you know, I opened for you in July in Irvine. There was no Twitter then. And there were five shows. It was 4th of July weekend and the place was sold out. And that was the first time I was ever impressed with the computer in all the years I was around you. Then I did a podcast here with you about two years ago. You got the tape. The footage is on YouTube, where I sat here and said to you, I didn't want to be on Twitter. I didn't want to be on Facebook. You

guys got the footage. I eat my words, dog. I'm a big boy. And I started fucking around on Twitter because you started telling me. And I started doing it just how I seen everybody was fucking up, just writing jokes, bro. Every week, every three days, and I go deep, dog. I seen everybody was fucking up. Just writing jokes, bro. You know, every week, every three days. And I go deep, dog. I don't give a fuck. You got to go deep on Twitter. If you want some motherfucking retweets, you got to take them into murky waters. Whatever the fuck you say, you know.

And I tell you, man, these people on Twitter are my family now. I got retweeted on CNN the other day. Oh, fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. No, no, it's amazing. I was the only one in the whole Chris Brown story that retweeted my tweet. I was like, yes. Yeah.

Of all the shit I've done, that was like a real accomplishment. Yes. Oh, you feel like fucking great, don't you? I was like, yes. But it's amazing what's going on right now. I've never loved stand-up more than ever. I am turning down auditions if they're not in my realm. I don't want to bother with that world.

You know who else figured that out recently? Brian Callen. Yeah, it's all over. We had the exact same conversation yesterday. I don't want to do it. It's not elevating me. It's not making me happy. They call me in for two broke girls, two in the afternoon.

They want me to be there at 530. Really? Who the fuck are you? I don't have a life. First of all, you got to respect me. That's number one. That's a fucking man. Number two, for a Goomba, how many Goombas am I going to play? How's it going to

change my life? So somebody's going to see me at 8 o'clock at night. I turn it down. I don't want to do it. Unless it's something great now, I don't want to do it. I'm very content with what I'm doing. I'm very content with the stand-up. I'm very content with the writing. I'm content with this circle right now. We have people around

us, dog. I don't have anybody around me I don't want to have no more. I get up. I work out. I meet people for coffee. And now that Duncan and Brian made up. Yeah. No, no.

The positive energy is back. That's perfect. And now there ain't no stopping us. These people are done. They created a monster. And we created it all on Twitter. And I love it. I love my people on Twitter.

Twitter's big, but the podcast is the biggest thing. They know you because of this. Twitter's just the way they stay in touch with you. I go down and dirty with these motherfuck people on Twitter. Twitter's big, but the podcast is the biggest thing. They know you because of this. Twitter's just the way they stay in touch with you. I go down and dirty with these motherfuckers on Twitter. And they feel me. They feel the osmosis. It's everything. It's a combination of all these things.

It's your stand-up being funny. It's the Twitter. You'd be able to connect with them. And it's the podcast where they get to know you. It's all those things above. But it's all those things that just didn't exist for us just a little while ago. And the impact that it has now, it's fucking nuts.

Brian went on stage in Sacramento. They went berserk. They went berserk. Ladies and gentlemen, you know how I feel about podcasts. Brian, Brian, Brian. Brian went from the stage and he called CAA Collect. That's how he said it. CAA Collect. Tell him, Brian Red Bull. Yeah, he called CAA collect. That's how he said, CAA collect.

Tell him, Brian Red Bull. Yeah, it's fine, man. And then I went up and probably had one of the best sets I've ever had in my life. I'm having these new sets now. My sets are, I've got all this new shit I'm working on. It's so fun. It's all these new weapons and turns. This is shit that didn't even exist a month ago

and it's crushing. It's so exciting to watch it just pop out of the ground and become a fucking tree. It's really fun, man. It's exciting. I'm enjoying the people. I never used to enjoy the people at the comedy. It's always dumb people coming up to me. Hey, fat man. These people

call me fat man, but they love me. So it's a different fat man. I love it. I love it that we communicate. We smoke dope. I was at the Mall of America last week, bitch. The Mall of motherfucking America. We had 60 people up on that fucking garage panel puffing like savages.

People brought cookies. They didn't give a fuck. This is it. This is a movement. You shouldn't talk about this online because Ari almost got arrested. Who gives a fuck. This is it. This is a movement. You shouldn't talk about this online because Ari almost got arrested. Who the hell gives a fuck? Listen to me. He got arrested because he's playing that hunt for the edible thing. We ain't got time for that.

What are you, 10? Somebody emailed me today. I went to Chicago. You're going to go play hunt for the edible? What am I, 10? I'm a fucking adult, dog. Get a skateboard. No, Ari, you can't do that shit.

Ari was doing it when he was just in Texas last week. Was he doing it online? Yeah. Ari. No, no, no. That is super illegal. He could get set up. He's got to be careful. One follower that doesn't like him could just...

Well, I don't think he's aware of the repercussions of getting busted in Texas. And that motherfucker, he'll go to jail and those sons of anarchy will get that little Jew ass. He's over. They'll shave it. They'll put some fucking whatever the fuck they put in your ass before they bang it. And it ain't funny, especially in Texas. I couldn't imagine doing time now anyway.

Do they have air conditioning? Oh, yeah. Carpeting, a swimming pool, massages. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They got everything. Steaks, lobster yeah, yeah. They got everything. Steaks, lobster tails on Sunday. Get the fuck. The only person who gives you a massage there is against your will.

You don't know what it is to get a massage against your will. It's like you can fight this or you can take the ride. You might get a happy ending or you might get choked. Damn. I would want to teach a few dudes jujitsu and just have impromptu sparring sessions where you don't just teach a few dudes jiu-jitsu to keep your shit sharp

and then just, all right, come on, we're going to roll here. Lay some mattresses down and go at it. And as long as you teach them some shit, maybe they'll offer you good sparring partners and then maybe you could at least keep up a level of fitness and try to stay alive. Wearing the joint?

Yeah. You know, man. But you don't want to go in there because of a hunt for the edibles. No. Because then they're going to hunt for your fucking edible. And your asshole. They're going to hunt deep, deep, deep in the murky waters of that muffler. Ari gets baked with people after shows.

I don't do that anymore. You're not smoking with people anymore? Yeah. I had a guy come up to me that I was positive was a cop once. And I was like, all right, this is ridiculous. I also knew somebody that had something put in his pot that it wasn't pot. He still to this day doesn't know what it is. It might have been meth.

It might have been someone sprinkled meth on the pot. Where'd they do it to him? Road dude. Someone tried to give me DMT in Sacramento. Where'd they do it to me? Road dude. Someone tried to give me DMT in Sacramento. Yeah, who knows what that is? Yeah, that's like, it gets really shady, because that's like super illegal shit.

And we already know that people have been set up in the past. Like, you've got to really think about that. Like, that's the 15-year-old kid who was arrested in Florida because an undercover cop pretended to be in high school with him, flirted with him, and got him. Joe, you buy into that shit. Look. Listen, I buy into it because it's true. This is what you do. This is what you do.

We're in California, okay? We're heads. When you declare yourself a head, it's a different story. We're not stoners. That's 13-year-olds that look at high times. I'm a head. I've been smoking dope for 30 fucking years. No, none of you is a head.

I'm not a head? Because you don't know. No, because they're great book dads. You're stoners. No. You guys are head. Bold as a head. It's a fucking years. No, none of you is ahead. Because you don't know. You're stoners. No. You guys are ahead. Bold as a head. It's a fucking understanding.

It's an understanding. It's an understanding, bro. And I can tell when I look at somebody's eyes, I won't take edibles that much either. I don't like the fucking big thing or chocolate bar. But if somebody comes to me,

I can tell when they have real reefer. I can tell because their heads. They're not drunk. They're not sloppy. I can tell. A head just smells dope. drunk. They're not sloppy. I can tell. A head just smells dope. You don't fuck with nothing else.

When I look at his eyes and I go, what did you listen to today? And he goes, dog, I heard some Sabbath. It's a head. It's a head. When I listen to Ozzy, I want to shoot myself. That type of shit, they're heads. They couldn't harm themselves.

They wouldn't harm themselves, bro. I've been doing this for 30 years. Ain't nobody going to set you up if you smoke a joint with somebody. How? How? How are they going to set you up in L.A. if you smoke a joint with somebody? Even if I'm in fucking, did I tell you I had an offer from a weed store in Michigan to fly me out and do comedy? Really?

Nice number, too. Hell yeah. Oh, yeah. Fuck yeah. Are you going to do it? Fuck yeah. Why not? What's the name of the store?

I don't know. They didn't send me all the details. Twitter, Mad Flavor. You got to change your Twitter, we need Joey Diaz. Who's got Joey Diaz on Twitter? Me. Have we checked? Me.

You do? I'm the baddest motherfucker. You got them both? Joey Diaz, yeah. But anyway, the problem is nobody's going to give you nothing bad, bro. You know, I heard in New York in the 70s on Halloween, they would put razor blades in apples and give them to kids. You know what? If you ate an apple on Halloween, go fuck

yourself. You're supposed to go for the fucking do-re-mi. I never even ate candy on Halloween. I went for the money. I went for the pennies and the fucking dollar bills and the change. I grew up early. When I came from Cuba, I was in New York City in those buildings. Those buildings are Jews. They give you fucking cash. How much? A dollar, a quarter. In the 70s,

somebody give you a fucking quarter. That's a little juice drink from the hot dog man. You know, I'm not gonna... Listen, take your little M&M's and all this shit and shove it up your ass. Isn't it strange when you really think back about the price of shit when you were a kid when you see like comic books for 25 cents and you think about how ridiculous like

you hear like what someone's wage was. He got $5 a week working for the ranch and you're like, what? Do me a favor. What's the price for tickets now for a concert? Like a... $150. Well, didn't you say Bob Dylan?

Oh, $225. Yeah. What'd the guy say to us? $300 in Santa Barbara? Yeah, that's when we were in Santa Barbara. I think he said $350. Listen to me. I said $350.

February 24th. Look it up. 1980. I paid $15.50 for Pink Floyd,Wall, and that's what a service tax. You know what a service tax they have now? You know how much a service tax was? What? 50 cents.

Now it's dollars. Now it's like $5. No, it's even more than that. Is it? Yeah. You think about it. So in 30 years, so let's say it doubled every 10 years. It should be $60, $70 for a ticket.

Why are we paying $300, $200 for a ticket for anything? This is Pink Floyd to wall. That's as good as it gets. Live at the Nassau Coliseum. Well, it's just weird how everything got more expensive. Like that weird thing of inflation that I never really totally understood. Like why do things have to get more expensive every year? But it does. Why does gas have to get more expensive?

Who does? Why do people have to make more money? I don't know does. Why does gas have to get more expensive? Who does? Why do people have to make more money? I don't know, but they do. And it just keeps, the number gets higher. And yeah, people are, I mean, for sure, if you have more money, you're going to be able to buy more things. But then when those more things cost more money as well, you're just raising the numbers, but it all balances itself out. It's just a weird sort of a trend to me that things constantly get more expensive. Constantly get more expensive.

Like no one's ever, they're not going to lock an iPhone in and say, ladies and gentlemen, this iPhone is $200. It will be $200 to the end of fucking time. The iPhone 80 that comes out will be $200. That's what we're charging for a fucking iPhone. You can't say that

because you don't know what the fuck $200 is going to be worth in 20 years. You don't know what it's going to be worth in a decade. You don't know what it's going to be worth in a decade. You don't know what it's going to be worth if the fucking economy collapses like in Russia, like it went down in the Soviet Union, like it's going down in Greece. I mean, Greece is, they're really running a very real possibility of leaving the European Union. That's going to fuck the dollar up. It's going to fuck everybody up. What happens then? How much does it cost to get your car washed now? Is it $18? How much do you get an hour?

Is minimum wage $20 an hour now? At a certain point in time, that's going to keep going up too. I told you the other day that I was out of touch with reality. That I went car shopping. I sold cars for 10 years. A forerunner when I quit selling cars was $22,000 loaded with the fucking

under grease and the fucking stars in Colorado. It's $22,000 loaded with the fucking under grease and the fucking stars in Colorado. It's $40,000, $50,000. For $20,000, I looked at a Honda last week. It was 10 years old with 100,000 miles. They still wanted $13,000. And the Blue Book is $14,500. Wow. Kelly Blue Book.

You know me. I know all that shit. I fucking look at that stuff. I have friends in the car business. I call Colorado. I asked around. I was even thinking of getting a car shipped from colorado from my buddy honda he's a gentleman along montoyota he gave me a fucking dollar over invoice right what do i give a fuck he goes come get the car so i'm thinking about doing that i'm trying

to put it together uh it's just i was out of touch yeah and you know what tells me the prices and things like i told you you know we live around here with BMWs and Mercedes, so we forget. But I go to Pittsburgh and I watch. I go to Houston. I go to all those cities and I look at these people. I look at the people that are coming to the shows and I'm like, bro, we're in fucking trouble. I look at these malls that are empty across America. Empty, bro.

Mall of America is one thing. Everybody wants to have a business at the Mall of America. Have you been there, Joe? No, never been there. It's designed to make motherfucking paper. Minneapolis, I was very impressed. I mean, the airport, it's 10 minutes from Mall of America. Not 30.

They designed that city so they get your pocket. You land, there's 22 airports, and each airport has a shuttle to the Mall of America every 10 minutes. Really? Bro, it's four floors. So you can land just to shop? You can land just to shop. Damn. Four floors deep.

Fuck, four floors deep. Don't people exercise in it? Oh, you got to see this thing. You got to see this thing. And then they have a whole area where, it's an amusement park. Used to be a fucking, it used to be the old twin stadium.

So think of a fucking stadium, a baseball stadium, and that's just a little piece of it. That's just, I walked around the one day. It was an hour and a half walk. Wow. You walked around the whole thing? The fucking whole thing. I didn't go up the stairs, don't get me wrong. It looks like I carried away Mike Dolce. Fuck that.

I'm talking about I walked around that mall. It's a wild fucking mall. But it tells me that bro, this country's in trouble. We were talking about the phone the other day, how they don't have five-pound bag of sugars no more because the price of sugar went up. You have to buy it by the pound or three-pound bags. Gas has gone up.

Everything has gone up. But the price of cocaine is still 35 a gram. You said it went down, right? It went down. It was 40 or 60 two years ago. The last time I bought blow five years ago was 60. I'd go to El Compadre, pick up a gram for 50 if the guy was high you know I'm saying if I had been there a couple times not 35 35 hours you get jazzed up for and it's

better than ever they say better than ever gives you a skin rash heroin did you read about heroin did you read about new weed in New York City amongst teens what I mean our teens are going nuts in New York City amongst teens? What? I mean, teens are going nuts in New York City with the weed. And so was I. So who gives a fuck? Good, good. Smoke more of it.

No, what are they going to do? Give them ADD pills and SOS pills? Why don't you give these fucking... You know, at a certain point in time, it becomes okay. I don't know what it is. 17, 18, 19, whatever it is. When you think it's okay for you, you have a good childhood if you have good parents go for it but it's not

I don't buy that that's gonna hurt you I don't think it's gonna hurt 18 year olds they say that if you smoke it when you're young that it can diminish your IQ I've heard that but I'm like how do you find that out you take two people

make them live the exact same circumstances you know and get one of them high and one of them doesn't they both follow the same diet. They both have the same genetics. They're twins. Other than that, how the fuck are you going to tell me that that's what's going on?

How do you know what his IQ would have been? You're not. You're just extrapolating, you know. There's a lot of other environmental factors that could lead to someone being in an area where there's a disproportionate amount of people with a low IQ. You know, the IQ test itself

is not really necessarily a good judge of intelligence, because a little bit is about understanding how tests work. There's a lot of really fucking smart people that just don't know how this test works, and they know how to be very intelligent in their own world. They know how to be very intelligent in their own occupation,

their own world, in a way that you wouldn't be able to plug into. So just because you write some fucking shit on a piece of paper that requires thinking doesn't mean this is a real accurate measurement of real intelligence, usable intelligence, because it just doesn't. You know, real intelligence is social intelligence. There's a lot of people that are socially brilliant. I mean, how many guys have we met that aren't that good looking, but they're always getting

laid? Everybody loves them. People come around grabbing them. They can't wait to hear them talk. What is that? That's a social intelligence. There's a talent to that. There's something to that. And to discount that is silly. And to say that the only kind of intelligence should be standing in front of a computer punching numbers in, that's stupid. Because there's a social intelligence. If a guy can talk some crazy freak who's never done it before into sucking his dick in an alleyway somewhere, I can't believe I'm doing this.

That's social intelligence that he allowed. He pulled that off. Yeah. I mean, that's what you're saying. You can sell cars. That's a social intelligence. I can sell anything. There you go.

You put me against the wall, I'll sell you anything if you let me. You are a black belt in talking. Oh, I don't give a fuck. I'll get down with the best of them, all that. And Boulder, it's tough to talk to those people. I could rock in Boulder because they're just somebody real. They're very intelligent. Can I get this on a grant?

Those people in Boulder are so intelligent. Lodizio told me this once. A friend of mine said to me, bro, you have to forgive these people in Boulder. Some of these astronauts at the university, their intellect is so high that they have no social skills. It has been sucked in. It's not that they're assholes or trying to be bad people.

It's that they're introverts. They don't know. And I understand that shit. I understand between a guy that's a dick and there's a guy that has his fucking face in a book.

And he loves it. He doesn't care about the outside world. They don't concentrate on social shit. They just don't concentrate on it. Blow up the outside. Blow up what? The outside.

What? Da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na- Heavy into martial arts when I was like a teenager. I would get like social anxiety. When I had to talk to somebody, I would get anxious. If I had to talk to somebody and return a video, if I would get anxious, if I would go to the mailbox and get something, or if I'd go to the bank and deposit a check, I would get socially anxiety where I couldn't talk very well for no reason because I just wasn't used to talking to people. All I wanted to do was train, so I was just training and fighting all day.

I was just locked into this one form in my mind where most of my day was dedicated to movements and learning how to strike things, and then I would go out into the outside world, and I would be really awkward. It's real weird. It lasted a couple of years. Stand-up changed it for me.

Teaching and stand-up are two things that changed it for me. Teaching made stand-up easier because I would teach whole classes, and I got used to being able to do that, used to be able to talk in front of classes and explain the right way to get momentum and technique and all this different shit that was kind of complicated. And when I explained it to the class, I would get more confidence because I was doing that when I was a teenager.

Yeah, you're black belt this week. Yeah. More black belts than Ron Van Cleef and shit. Ron Van Cleef, you know, is still working out. There's a video of him online.

I think he's even older than that. Older than that, bro. I think he's in his 60s. Yeah, he's got to be 63. He fought in a karate tournament. I think he was 62 years old. He fought in a karate tournament.

Bro, I heard Dan and Osanto just got his brown belt in jiu-jitsu. Oh, did he really? I don't know. He's 70? Danny Osanto, I believe Danny LoSanto just got his brown belt in jiu-jitsu. Oh, did he really? About his 70s. Danny LoSanto, I believe, has got to be black belt in jiu-jitsu. I think he's been involved in jiu-jitsu for a long time.

Now, his school was in Marina del Rey, and he still teaches Jeet Kune Do? Well, yeah. I mean, Eric Paulson was one of his students, I believe. Paulson is a guy who's sometimes more famous as a coach, but he was a great fighter for a while. He was a Shudo champion. And Paulson, I think, the main style that he originally always preached was use whatever is useful. Learn everything. Learn whatever's useful, whether it's boxing. I mean, he wrote a book, The Tao of Jeet Kune Do, which is essentially like copied techniques of how to throw punches correctly from old boxing manuals. He was like just sort of documenting all the stuff that we know works. And he had some unique ideas, Bruce Lee did,

that to this day are starting to be adopted by people. Like Bruce Lee was one of the first guys to say that you should lead with your strong hand. Because in boxing, you always lead with your jab, and then your power hand is your strong hand, which you throw less of. And Bruce Lee said that doesn't make any sense. You should throw more punches with your dominant hand, which you throw less of. And Bruce Lee said that doesn't make any sense. You should throw more punches with your dominant hand.

The jab and the hooks are more frequent, so you should lead with your more dominant hand. And then boxers started doing that. Oscar De La Hoya did that. There's quite a few boxers today that do that. I don't know if Julio Cesar Chavez Jr. does it. Andre Ward does it. Shad Dawson does it.

It's really interesting, man. There's a lot of fighters that do that now. So Bruce Lee predicted this shit way back deep in the 70s. So when you say that a guy like Eric Paulson is a Jeet Kune Do guy, anybody who's smart is really a Jeet Kune Do guy. Because Jeet Kune Do is just like, figure it all out, pull it all together. Kicking from Muay Thai. Punches from karate.

This hook from boxing. this is a double-leg takedown, that's from wrestling. Here's a headlock, that comes from whatever, catch wrestling. He was doing arm bars and shit in movies way back then. Guys were tapping out. Sam Moe, it's funny, last night I was watching

Pettis against Joe Lozon when he knocked him out with the kick. And you said, you know, that they were talking about Taekwondo, Black Belt, him, and so was Duke. Yes. Well, I'm going to see Friday. Duke, and I'm Chael Sonnen. Friday, Duke motherfucking Rufus. Where are you at this weekend?

Germantown. I'm going to see Germantown on Friday in Milwaukee. Where are you? Milwaukee? Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Go to Brown Paper Tickets. And Thursday, I'm in Madison, Wisconsin at Brown Paper Tickets. So Wednesday, Milwaukee?

Thursday, Milwaukee. Thursday, Milwaukee. The 20th. And Friday, Milwaukee. So Thursday, Madison. Friday, Milwaukee. And my brother, Dead Squad, bad motherfucker Stan Hope, will be in Appleton, Wisconsin an hour from me. So this is all happening Thursday night, the 20th, where I'm in Madison with Duncan Trussell,

brown paper tickets, and your brother Doug Stanhope is an hour up the road. So that state will be all fucked up. Oh, that's beautiful. He's up there for the weekend. There were still tickets available for Stanhope. I did see that. And then tomorrow night, I'm in Milwaukee.

I'll see my man, Chael Sonnen's flying in to Duke Rufus's, and I'm going to go over and see him in the afternoon. And then Stanhope is up in Appleton the rest of the week, and tickets are still available to Skyline Comedy Club. He's a good man. Let's give some plugs. Rogan is in Toronto.

Yeah, Brian, we've got to change the background to my Twitter page. Can we do that? Because it's still got April on there. It's got March, April, and July is the last one from Calgary that's the last one time I use stream oh did I say Twitter sorry you stream yeah you stream and somebody started doing it and then yeah stop someone else there that works there right yeah yeah because it says follow Joe and get notified every time he goes live I never put that up on anything yeah so yeah we got a good

weekend that I think Ari's in Toronto. Check this out. NBC LA just tweeted that American Airlines has canceled over 300 flights this week. What? So I don't know why they're canceled. But if you're flying American or American Eagle, you might want to check that out. I'm American Airways tomorrow morning. What the fuck is that about?

I don't know. They just tweeted it. Holy shit. But they haven't said why. I don't know. They just tweeted it. Holy shit. But they haven't said why. I don't know if the planes are all fucked. God. Oh, God. That means I'm not going to fucking Madison tomorrow.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You got to find out if your thing is still good. I got to get out of here. I'm going to Toronto this weekend. There better not be some fucking terrorist attack. You're not American Airlines, are you? No, no, no.

No, no, no. Oh, by the way, the End of the World show, the tickets will go on sale on September the 28th. So that's nine days from today. And that is going to be, is that right? Is that right? Yes. September 28th, it'll be Joe Diaz, Doug Stanhope, Honey Honey, and me. Diaz, Doug Stanhope, Honey Honey, and me.

And it's going to be a fucking festival, a celebration of the end of history, which we don't really think is going to happen. It's not really the end of the world. We just want to have a good time. So we thought it would be fun to put on like a super show. So it will be Honey Honey will go up, and they'll do some songs first. And then it will be a show with Diaz, Stanhope, and myself. And we're going to have a fucking blast.

We can't wait to do it. Just an opportunity to do something like this on a regular basis in L.A. because we don't do too many shows in L.A. We do a lot out here in Pasadena, and this one's going to be fun. So that's going to be September 28th. Those tickets go on sale. And what shows are you and I doing together? Arizona. Oh, that's right. We're doing Arizona? Arizona. Oh, that's right.

We're doing Arizona. Arizona and Minneapolis, October 19th. Brandon Walsh is out for Arizona, man. Why? I don't know. He booked something else. So Ari Shafir's coming. I thought Ari Shafir was doing something else.

No, Ari Shafir's coming. He is? Or Red Band of Duncan. Somebody else could come. I'll come. Well, we have to find out. Yeah, we have to find out. No one else is booked. Who else is booked? No, Shafir lost that weekend. He did? Yeah. I'll come. Well, we have to find out. Yeah, we have to find out. No one else is booked.

Who else is booked? No, Shafir lost that weekend. I talked to him. He did? Yeah. When did he lose that weekend? He said he forgot. You forgot that you had given it to Brendan or something.

No way. That's crazy. He's crazy. Something happened because I asked him, are you going to go to Arizona? Because I've seen Brendan Walsh. And he goes, no. I think he has Brendan first or something.

So he didn't know. He called Chandra. I don't know what happened. I don't know. That doesn't make sense to me. But that's good. That's good. We he didn't know. He called Chandra. I don't know what happened. I don't know. That doesn't make sense to me. But that's good. That's good. We'll figure it out.

Well, either way, October, you and I are going to be there. So other people will be there. Most likely Brian will be there, too. Did you call CAA Collect? Is that your name? Collect, bitches. What's CAA? Fucked it up.

He doesn't even know what CAA is. It's hilarious. I just fucked it up in Sacramento. I want to know if you guys are interested in fucking hanging. Someone's saying that the pilot thing is a pilot strike for American Airlines. That's what's going on. It says American Airlines, American Eagle said they will cancel 300 flights this week to cope with the high number of pilots reporting sick and an increase in maintenance reports

filed by crews. They're shutting them down the old-fashioned way. Fuck it. Sit outside. Go to the hospital and get an MRI. Didn't you say you had a headache, motherfucker? Yeah. Whoopsies.

They've already canceled 249 flights this week, 300 by the end of the year. I heard they get paid shit. I heard that pilots, that it's like a really tough job to get by with. They don't make good money. You'd think they would, but they don't, apparently. I heard that pilots, that it's like a really tough job to get by with. They don't make good money. You'd think they would, but they don't, apparently. Yeah, I don't know. Fucking tough job, man.

Flying a whole fucking tube full of souls through the air. Constantly. Because just because we get off the plane, don't mean their afternoon is done. They're going to follow through and go to San Francisco or fucking Baltimore, some hellhole, you know, the other way. And it's the other way too. Yeah, and some of them don't get much sleep either. That scares the shit out of me. That scares the shit out of you. Sleep on the plane. What, it's like a 12-hour turnaround or something like that?

Yeah, yeah. It's like a 12-hour turnaround, and let's say they go back to the room where you never had insomnia. I've had fucking insomnia like a motherfucker. So they probably take Ambien, so they're all fucking Ambien'd out. I've known dudes who take Ambien, they all of a sudden get real squirrely with reality. Reality becomes a little slippery dolphin on them. You know?

Do you know the dudes? Have you ever known anybody that needs that shit? Yeah. Yeah, well, you don't want to. When someone needs that Ambien shit. And that's all I needed. I did one of those. I did a fucking 16th of those things Rush Limbaugh was on.

I did a 16th. I did a pill, cut in half, cut in half again, cut in half again. It was an eighth or a 16th of an Oxycontin. Really? That a friend of mine gave me. I had to lay down. Never again. My blood pressure dropped.

Was it Rush doing like 100 of those bitches? A 50, yeah. When I thought about that, my heart went out to him. I think it was 100. It was 50 a day he was doing it. There was no, I ate an eighth, and it was fucking mind-boggling what I felt like, how bad I felt like.

That just crushes your body, that fucking synthetic heroin. Yeah, and that's like one of the biggest problems we have in this fucking country. It's one of the biggest problems we have in this country. That fucking synthetic heroin will kill you, dog. You'll start pissing fucking green and shit like that yeah i guess he got up to 30 pills a day this one is saying i i swore i read that at one point in time was i thought it was 50 i thought i read 50 that's

fucking crazy that's two a pop that's 25 times a day he would pop two of them if he popped 50 yeah this is his um he his housekeeper got busted buying them for him. Like, he sent her out to go buy pills for him. And she said he took as many as 30 Oxycontins a day. So I don't know. I don't know if she's right. She could be crazy. I don't know her.

You can't just listen to someone that says that, you know? But those people that take that shit that and Ambien is another one that's a scary one I used to sell Valium when I first got divorced in Colorado I was buying and in Colorado it was real Valium with the V in them not these motherfucking things they're making now

what's the difference? those 5's and those 10's with the V in the middle where the V was cut out what do they do? Valium just puts you under the planet. So I used them as to come down from something. You know, you do an eight ball of coke, it's seven in the morning. You got to come down.

You're going to be watching daytime television until lunchtime. You want to get your dicks up, you know, so you eat Valiums. And then you chill out. I remember one time in Beaumont, man. I OD'd on them. I ate 30 of those motherfuckers in three days. This is in 2006. I had to stay in Houston for four days at the Intercontinental.

I couldn't even talk on the phone to people. People called me. I'm not much different. What year was this? This is 2005 or 2006. After the longest shot, I went to Houston. I wanted these fucking pills. And the kids were like, we ain't got them, but we got Valium.

I said, give me the fucking Valiums. What the fuck? I was in Beaumont, Texas, the home of what's her name? Bobby McGee. What was her fucking name? The girl whoont, Texas, the home of what's her name? Bobby McGee. What was her fucking name? The girl who used to come to the comic store. No, what's the fucking cool girl, the one that sent Bobby McGee? What's her name?

Me and Bobby McGee. From the Kentucky Cowboys. Yeah, yeah. She's from Beaumont. That's where the little museum is at. Kelly Curtis. So Slade Hamm had a room in Beaumont. I get there on a Thursday.

I'm looking for blow and shit. They're like, bro, we ain't got no blow. We got Valium. Janice Joplin. Janice Joplin. Anybody who wants to know. I said, what the fuck? Give me the fucking 30 Valiums.

I go, I'll eat two or three of them. I'll bring the rest to LA and give them out. I know a friend who like Valium. As soon as you chew them, you hear. Na, na, na. Na, na, na. Na, na, na. Oh, my.

The first night I ate two. The second night I ate two. The next day I didn't have reefer, so I popped one for lunch. That night I went to the club and I started drinking them with fucking Jägermeisters. Now what people don't know about Valiums is they sit in your fucking fat. So you eat a 10-point milligram Valium,

five of it goes into your body, the other five goes into your fucking fat. So what happens is the next day when you wake up and you drink your water thinking you're all healthy and you hit that fucking one hit of the joint, that Valium kicks right back up again. But what do you do? You put a 10 inside of you. So now you got the 5 that you pop and the 5 that's motherfucking lurking in there.

So now you're popping these every day. That's why I love when the people tell me they eat Valiums because this shit just pops up in your fat. You will never get that out of you. And people who eat Valiums, 50% of them are going to go to the fucking gym. So that just sits in your fat. You will never get that out of hand. People with Valiums, 50% of them are going to go to the fucking gym. So that just sits in your fat. So every time you touch alcohol, you smoke a cigarette or smoke a Valium, it just kicks that shit back into your system and shit. It's amazing until it just piles up.

So I bought 30 of them. 30. It was a Thursday night at 11 when I got them. The first night I popped one. The next day I popped one. That night I popped two or three of them. Drank Jager by Saturday. I popped two in the afternoon.

I couldn't fall asleep. I went to the club. And at the club I had a brown bag. I didn't even know what was in there. It wasn't like in a weed container. And I just kept popping it at the club. Drinking Jager Meister. The second show I had to do on a stool.

And the management knew I was whacked out. They pay me my money. I was whacked out. They pay me my money I buy an 8-ball. Some chick gives me a number but in the fucking dilemma I didn't give a fuck if she had a boyfriend she told me she had to go home wait for the boyfriend I went home by myself and did the fucking 8-ball called the dealer and then called the chick and she's like I'm ready to come over and suck your dick now she comes over the dealer comes over i leave with him and he takes me deep into the beaumont motherfucking caribou down there to some christians guys some good old christians that was selling some cocaine straight from

fucking noriega stash four in the morning my jaw we're driving back i'm fucking paranoid we're gonna get pulled over i get back to the hotel Sunday, Saturday night. It was Saturday. Going into Sunday. My flight, Southwest, was leaving at like 9 from Houston. I was getting picked up at 6.30. It's 4 or 5. I pick up another 8.

I go back to the room. The chick shows up. She sucks my dick one time, but it was so dead. It was way beyond dead. It was dead. No, Houdini, if 10 chicks from the room sucking their fingers up my ass, alpha brain, nothing, nothing, nothing. Any of those pills, I was going straight on blow for five, six hours plus the amount of

volumes I had. Dog, at eight o'clock in the morning, the cocaine was gone. She was all sucked up. She was laying in one bed. You know those hotels that have two beds? Yes. I went to get the brown paper bag and stick my hand there. There was nothing in there. I flipped the bag over. Nothing. Here I am, John. I ate 30 fucking Valiums in three days.

I couldn't fucking believe it. I drank a bunch of water and went to sleep. It's Sunday, maybe 10 o'clock. I go to sleep. I'm trying to fuck her at this point. My dick is flat. It's got blood on it. I'm scratching it from trying to whack off in to sleep. I'm trying to fuck her at this point. My dick is flat. It's got blood on it. I'm scratching it from trying to whack off in the bathroom. I'm sniffing her underwear.

I'm sniffing her bra. I'm sniffing her fucking feet. I'm trying to bang out something. Because you need to bang something out to fall asleep, right? Because you're fucking all jacked up. I'm trying to bang one out. Next thing you know, dog, I swear to God, I hear boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. I just passed out. I'm on the bed. I I swear to God, I hear boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. I just passed out.

I'm on the bed. I must have jerked myself off to sleep, whatever, because I went back and she was in the other bed. That's how coked up I was. It was a naked lady, but I was jerking her off. That's the disease and the pills. I couldn't even wake her up no more. She's like, you're not going to get it hard. Don't wake me up no more. My dick was flat. It had scratches from me trying to whack it off.

It was all small. Only the helmet comes out and you got to start from scratch. So all you're whacking off, me trying to whack it off It was all small Only the helmet comes out And you gotta start from scratch So all you're whacking off You gotta work it Work it Work it And all of a sudden It just dies

Like you think of your uncle Playing baseball It's just something It dies So now Joe Rogan This was horrible I hear boom boom boom boom boom boom

But like the feds or something I open up my eyes I look at the clock It's one o'clock The kid came at seven to pick me up. I didn't pick up the phone. They knocked. I didn't hear it.

I guess the chick woke up left. I woke up. It was the hotel manager. He goes, are you staying another night? I'm like, yeah. And he goes, I need payment. And I just went in my pocket and gave him like a $100 bill. I go, keep the change.

I went right back to sleep. I woke up the next Monday. I slept straight 24 hours. I slept straight through Monday morning at 8. I called my friend next Monday. I slept straight 24 hours. I slept straight till Monday morning at eight. I called my friend who was an attorney to come to Beaumont and pick me up. And he goes, you're going to make your flight? No, I didn't even call Southwest. I've had to buy another plane ticket. So I just said, I drove with him. I went and got a big Mexican meal. I was dehydrated, everything. And I went and got another big Mexican meal. And then

he goes, what do you want to do? You want to go to my house? And I said, no, everything. And I went and got another big Mexican meal. And then he goes, what do you want to do? You want to go to my house? And I said, no. Take me to the Intercontinental. Pete had a deal over there for like 60 a night before Felipe fucked it up. So I stayed in there for three days. How did Felipe fuck it up? He got fucked up with a chick that had a dick and a pussy.

She had a pussy. And instead of calling her, her name was Nikki. He kept calling her Tricky because she had a dick and a pussy. But anyway, back to the situation. I got to that hotel Monday. I lived off room service. The money I made in Beaumont, I had to call Terry to send me the credit card number. I had eaten it because all I could do was eat to refuel.

I couldn't even talk to nobody. My agents were calling me, where are you? They want to see you. I would call people, and I couldn't. This side of my face wasn't moving, though. Wow. I was tired of it, too. You know when you go to the dentist and your face is dead?

That's how bad I was. I didn't make it out of fucking Houston until Thursday. Wow. It took me five days, and that's the last time I basically ate a pill. That's why after that I knew something had to be done. Matters had to be taken. I got to boogie out of here. Let's get out of here.

Powerful, mad flavor. Listen, there's a dude who's got your name. It's Joel on Twitter. So you don't have mad flavor. You don't have Joey Diaz. You got to get Joey Diaz. We need to figure out how to get that. If anybody knows how to do that, contact me.

It's ridiculous that some dude named Joel is running around out there with Joey Diaz's name. We need to have Joey Diaz. Be Joey Diaz on Twitter. Mad Flavor's too goddamn obscure. It's confusing the fuck out of people. Right? Am I right, Brian? Yeah, I think Joey Diaz would be definitely better.

It's better, right? I like Mad Flavor. I love Mad Flavor. Planet Rock, even. Joey Planet Rock Diaz. Remember when you were Planet Rock? Bro, I'm still Planet Rock Whatever mind frame you're in brother

Great to see you Great to see you too man I love you man Redman I love you to death I wanted to come up here I haven't had an intimate one in a while But two more weeks and we'll come up and do one to five And really get down music

Yeah let's get down We'll argue We'll talk about the Martians Whatever the fuck you want to talk about Red's dressing Red's dressing People still send me I love you guys by the way I love the the fuck you want to talk about. Rance dressing. Rance dressing. People still send me. I love you guys,

by the way. I love the guys that still come to me and they say, I went to this restaurant and I asked her and she didn't have it so we left

and they take a picture of the menu. People actually, so thank you very much for all the love you give me, Ben. I love you, motherfucker. Thanks to whoever

the fuck that sculptor is that made the sculpture of the werewolf fucking the gorilla in the ass. Whoever you are out there, masked man, you did a fucking amazing job. That thing is wicked. It'll be up in the new studio.

And thanks to Onnit.com for sponsoring the show. Go to O-N-N-I-T. Use the killed name Rogan and you'll save 10% off any and all supplements. And DeathSquad.TV for all your kitty cat t-shirt needs. Hypno. Or ShopSquad.TV. Yeah, either. Well, just, you know.

You know how to find it, bitch. I'll see you in Madison tomorrow night, cocksuckers. We'll see you tonight at the Ice House. Joey's going to be here tonight. It's Joey, Dom Herrera, Doug Benson, Greg Fitzsimmons, Ari Shafir, Brian Redband. It's going to be stacked. It's a crazy, crazy fucking show. The Flying Jew is coming too, Shafir?

The Flying Jew is coming too? Shafir? The Flying Jew is coming! Yeah, Segura had to cancel last minute, and Shafir snuck in and took a spot. So, boom! Done, son. See ya. Goodbye, everybody. We'll see you soon. © transcript Emily Beynon