The Joe Rogan Experience - #29 - Brian Redban

Episode Date: July 6, 2010

Joe sits down with Brian Redban.

BAM! Ladies and gentlemen, day 27? Is that what it is, Brian? Yeah. Week 27? Or podcast 27, right? We did two in a week once. That was a crazy week. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome once again to the weekly Ustream podcast.

Really, it's been fucking weekly, man. Actually, it's 29. We're way late. Podcast 29. It's amazing that we kept with it for this long. Yeah. And it's also amazing that I never did anything like this before. It is. You know?

It takes me so long to get into a groove with anything. It took me so long to accept email lists and MySpace and all that shit. For the longest time, I was like, I don't want to get involved in promoting myself. Fuck that. Fuck advertising shows. Just get on the radio and just do it like normal. But then you see all these other dudes that are doing it that way and they're doing so well with it. What happened to your shit?

I think MySpace is the first one that actually went crazy. That made you realize the power of the internet. Like Fleshlight. Yeah. Well, the MySpace days, that was the Comedy Store days. And when we were using the MySpace, the fucking Comedy Store was sold out like every weekend. And it was just because of MySpace. Which didn't, you know, before then, man, you could never have, like, they would have to drive by and just know that you're there because of the billboard.

Or just know that you're there because of word of mouth. But, you know, we could throw it up on MySpace and it was nothing. Now. Or a schoolyard of paper boys going, mister, mister. MySpace. MySpace is a fucking dinosaur. You know why? Because MySpace didn't adapt.

I logged in last night. Did you? First time in, I think, like two months. Checked, went through three or four pages of people that were fake people asking me to talk and stuff like that. One new person going, hey, dude, here's my Facebook page. Add me. Yeah, every now and then I'll go and read a little bit of the fan mail, but it's just not worth it.

It's a graveyard. It's like going to Chernobyl after the blast and talking to the people that are still there. Like, God, man, get out of here. Why are you here? What are you using MySpace for? Pat and Oswald use MySpace still, though. Ladies and gentlemen, before we get going,

our podcast is sponsored by The Fleshlight. I show it every week, and I don't know if that's like, I feel like one of Barker's beauties. I'm supposed to be demonstrating the product. But what it is is basically a masturbation tool, if you haven't used it before. We talk about it every week. It's fucking fantastic. As far as beating off, if you beat't used it before. We talk about it every week. It's fucking fantastic.

As far as beating off, if you beat off, and I know you do, it's way better than just regular beating off. It's not that much money. How much does it cost, Brian? It's like, I don't know,

but you get 15% off if you go on your website. You don't know how much at all? I think it's like $69, $59. Let's find out for these nice people. $79. I did your tip, though, this week,

and it's kind of, of course, a crazy thing happened. Every time I do anything with a fleshlight, something crazy happens. The warm water thing? No, I put it outside to let it heat up. Let it heat up. Of course, my landlords often go out in the back to smoke because they work above me. And they see this rubber pussy out in the sun?

They saw it out in the sun. Oh, my God, dude. Because when I went to pick it up, they were sitting out there. Look at this. If you go to the flashlight, it says, this website contains explicit adult material.

What? How crazy is it that you go to a website that has rubber pussies and they have this crazy fucking warning that you're about to see explicit adult material?

I mean, do they have porn on their site? Okay, they have a guy and a girl. Not even nudity. Those girls have clothes on. There was a guy and a girl. Not even nudity. Those girls have clothes on. There was a guy and a girl in bed, but the girl had a bra and panties on.

And if you're looking at all these fleshlights, man, it's like, okay, yeah, it's a rubber body part. Is that really something you need to have a little warning to click through? You go to those sites where you see violence. You don't see shit like that. Yeah, why can't you just walk into a hustler store without them stopping and telling you the same thing it's not a lot of hustler stores out there in the world is there there's stores just like it like porn stores that is one of those weird things when we go on the road and we see these uh these fucking towns like you know like if you go to like uh what's a good example of one that had a bunch of them uh

youngstown ohio i was doing shows in youngstown ohio and it's like there's a good example of one that had a bunch of them uh youngstown ohio i was doing shows in youngstown ohio and it's like there's a bunch of those little sad 24-hour neon lit adult shops and that's just that's just people that's just like reluctant body maintenance like poor sad fucks and those places just wandering around looking depressed pushing those beads apart it's like why do they have to use beads beads make fucking noise looking depressed, pushing those beads apart. It's like, why do they have to use beads? Beads make fucking noise, right? When you push those beads apart and they click and you go back into the dirty, dirty area and see all the cock sucking videos and shit. I used to work at a video store that had an adult room and it was open 24 hours a day.

And it was kind of cool because you'd walk, you know, somebody would be walking up like a hot chick and you're like, please let them go in the adult room. You know, of course, they just walk up and goes, you know, where's the designing women season two, you know somebody would be walking up like a hot chick and you're like please let them go in the adult room you know of course they just walk up and goes uh you know where's the designing women season two you know or something but the craziest thing happened is uh an old teacher of mine first grade teacher went in there a woman and got porn and i could only hope it was for like a party you saw her yes she i waited on her she probably didn't recognize me because i'm you know i was like 20 and she was like uh you know older lady so this is your first grade teacher yeah first grade teacher wow so first grade is what seven six what is that six i don't know something like that and because

i i rang her up i also saw her last name was like miss ba ba ba and i'm like oh that's totally her anyway she got the uh that's when i found out that Sylvester Stallone did a porn called The Italian Stallion. And that's what she had got. And so I. I don't think that was real porn, though. I think it was one of those like Showtime, three o'clock in the morning porns. Right.

So I think that I, I thought like, oh, this is for a gag. This is for a party. I accept this. But see, I could also see her whole history. And it was like big black dick five. It was like she only rented porn. Wow. 68, 70 maybe she was.

She was 70. That bitch is a freak. That's crazy. Just keeping it alive, huh? Yeah. Woo. So you don't think that Italian styling was her real porn? I don't know.

I never watched it. Talking out of my ass, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't. I'm pretty sure it was like some fake 3 o'clock in the morning shit. We had it at the porn side. I saw a chick that I used to date in one of those fake 3 o'clock in the morning porns where a dude was fake boning her. It's like the dude was just a little too low. Right.

Like she was like up high, a little too high. You know, it's like you tell their groin isn't really touching. Right. One of those, you know. And it was really freaky. I was by myself and I was flipping through the channels. And it's like, whoa, here's a one of those you know i know it was really freaky i was by myself and i'll slip through the channels and it's like whoa here's here's a person that you know i hadn't seen her is a long time ago so it was like i dated her over you know 12 years ago 13 14 years ago even

so uh seeing her it was like wow this is kind of strange like i'm watching someone that i used to know and then they're fucking in a movie, even though it's not real, you know? What do you think it's like if like your high school sweetheart turns into like Sasha Gray or something like that? I could tell you what it's like. I know what it's like.

It fucking is weird, man. I don't even like thinking about it. No, no, no. You don't know what it's like because in your situation, the person that, if any person we're talking about is an actual real person. Right.

These are people that you met when you knew that they already did that thing right it's a big thing to have a girl have it be your girlfriend right this is my girl and then there's some fucking brute just doggy styling her yeah and sweating and spitting on her and shit oh you fucking bitch you like that and you're like whoa that guy's fucking this shit out of my ex-girlfriend. Yeah. Especially real porn. Yeah. I have never found old porn of a girl I've dated.

Have you ever done that? You're going through their old photos and they go, no, don't look at that. Well, I'm not a Snoopy motherfucker. No, no, no. I mean, if you're with them. I mean, have you ever done that? Like, they're going through photos. Like, oh, this is my old boyfriend.

Oh, you don't want to see this photo. No, but I do always get sad when girls try to make me jealous. Like using that? I've always been sad. Like my whole life I've always thought that was like one of the weakest things ever. When someone, you can tell the only reason why they're bringing this up or they're talking about their ex is to try to fuck with your head. Like it never works. All of that, it makes you feel uncomfortable.

But the uncomfort that I feel is, oh, you're not as cool as I thought you were. And now you're creepy and you're trying to fuck with me. And okay, can I talk you out of this? Can I tell you that this is not necessary? And we're just two people that are enjoying each other's company, getting to know each other. We don't have to play any stupid games that we've already played in the past. We should all learn, right?

Right. I played some stupid games when I was a little kid. You know, I had to learn that they were dumb. So when someone doesn't know that games like that are dumb, like jealousy games, I'm like, fucking really? You know, come on, man. What am I, a fucking child? Cut this shit. So another guy fucked you?

That's crazy. Get out of here. I couldn't, I can't believe it. You're hot and you're 26 and another guy's fucked you already? Jesus Christ. Was this recent? Was this... That bitch is probably sucking somebody's dick an hour before she picked you up. You know? She's

fucking crazy. It makes me wonder if that shit ever goes away because it doesn't seem like it is. Does my mom get in a fight with her boyfriend and just do stupid shit like that? Yes, it goes away. For sure it goes away. With doesn't seem like it is like does my mom get in a fight with her boyfriend and just do stupid shit like that yes it goes away for sure it goes away which with maturity everything evolves it's the problem is when people get they go from one shit relationship to the next shit relationship and they never get traction as a human being never get traction and never realize and if you have shit friends on top of that which a lot of girls do man especially pretty girls a lot of pretty girls their friends be hating you know you know, it's tough, man, because for them, it's like, if you're out with a pretty

girl, if you're a girl and you're out with a pretty girl, no one is going to pay attention to you. Everyone's going to pay attention to her. And she didn't even do anything to deserve this. She was just born this way. And you're so much funnier and so much cooler and you'd be so much better girlfriend. And you, you will get crazy for that bitch. And you'll try to trip her up. You'll want her to fail. You'll hope she falls and breaks her fucking nose. You know, like literally like you're tired. She's stealing from you. She's stealing male attention from you. You know, that's how a lot of chicks feel about hot chicks, man. They don't like it. So anything like that, man, if that, if that's your situation, if you're around people like that, that are douchey to you and you're around ex-boyfriends who are douchey to you you just you can get into a bad

grind where you just automatically get douchey first because you think they're going to get douchey first and you want to get the upper hand you know you ever get in those relationships where you can tell that someone's fucking with you just to get the upper hand and oh yeah expecting more oh it's so annoying and the worst is when you go with it just to see where it goes the worst for me is if i get involved in it and i haven't been working out especially when i was younger dude when i was younger i did not have such a good uh judgment and i still don't sometimes about when to argue and when to just go what the fuck am i arguing over back then i just argued automatically.

I'm like, you're not going to stop me from arguing. Fuck you. And it would just turn ugly every time. Every time I got in an argument with somebody, it would turn ugly. But as I got older, any kind of relationship like that, when shit comes up,

now I just, I try very, very hard now to just look at it and go, what is the purpose of all this? Who gives a shit if you're right? Who gives a shit if you're right? Who gives a shit if you're wrong? Here's what I want. I want to be around people that I enjoy talking to. And I know there can't really be this many problems that we fight all the time. If there's this many problems that we fight all the time, where is that coming from?

That's got to be a personality thing. Because I don't have that many problems in my life. My life's pretty smooth. Most of the people in my life are very nice. of the people in my life we enjoy each other's company there's very few there's i mean everybody has like here and there there'll be issues with any human being where someone sees something totally differently but you can talk it through and if you're really good friends you work it out and everything's cool and nobody ever gets ugly you know but the the real key man is finding other people that go along with that

because as soon as you go with someone who's used to douchey shit and is used to insulting you and is used to playing games, as soon as you go into that and you dive into that world, man,

you're fucked. No progress. Yeah. No fun. And then it's so hard to get out of it. So hard. And then once you get out of it,

you're so sad because you got out of it and you have to get back in it just because you felt so sad from getting out of that. Well, being alone, man, when you just got out of a relationship and then all of a sudden you're alone and lonely, those are the darkest, emptiest, most hollow moments as an adult human being. That feeling is a terrible, terrible feeling. Most people just aren't equipped to understand rationally what's really going on.

Like, why are you so upset? How much of this is just evolutionary? How much is this? It's been designed into the whole human mechanism to dreadful, to feel dreadful every time you're left alone, to feel terrible every time you're rejected. You're being rejected by someone you don't even know is brutally painful. Why is that? Why is, why would you even care if it was a dude who didn't like you if you had no desire to fuck that person if you just came up to a dude and dude was like look at you you're not even good looking you'd be like what the fuck you faggot you know you like you wouldn't care at all it wouldn't change your opinion of yourself at all but when a chick does it to you it's like devastating

oh totally especially if it's a chick that you're attracted to that's all but it's all evolution it's all set up that way to try to get you to be as attractive as possible and to make very stringent standards that what people find and don't find attractive. It's to make you operate at a higher level. I think it's all just designed to make you work harder as a human being to become more impressive as a mate. And in doing so, and in becoming more impressive as a mate, you get to contribute more to society. You'll create more energy. You'll create more money.

You'll create more whatever you do. Whether you're in technology, you'll innovate more. If you're in art, you'll produce more art. You want to prove your worth. And so that craziness allows people to shine. I can't find that girl though you know i can't i can't find that partner was on the same level as me it seems like they they always act like the same level but then once you get into it they're just they were just like kind of mimicking what

they thought that level it is that too but it's also that they want you to be something that you're not it's you know they want you to be a not even a real person you know they have this a lot of people have an idea in their head that's really almost kind of based on movies you know what was it like like before the 1800s based on movies totally better yeah everybody but that's how it is you know you you see movies and everything works out fucking awesome in the movies and you go well that's what life is like right life is like this it's this is my model of life, Sandra Bullock movies. And you get trapped in your head thinking, well, maybe this isn't, maybe he's not the one.

You know, maybe there is another one. Like, God damn, what is this crazy, what about you? Are you the one? You're probably not the one, you know? It might be you, you know? The fucking problem might be you over and over again. With everybody. That's kind of like the fight club relationship where the whole time it actually is you.

Yeah, right? Well, dude, I've been that guy. I've totally been that guy. I start arguments and relationships for no reason just because I was frustrated with my own life, especially when I was really young, like I was like 20. When I was like 20 and 21,

I would start stupid arguments with girls I was dating over nothing, but it wasn't really them that was the problem. It was really problem. It was really me. It was really me like being frustrated all the time with my life and trying to like being like hyper ambitious and trying to like get ahead in my life, but really terrified that I was going to be a loser. So I would, you know, always be like under stress. And if, you know, anything annoyed me about a chick, I would like, like, why do you even talk like that? Like what? Meanwhile,

that's such a douchey thing to do to take your frustrations out on someone else. But when you're doing it, when it's when you're wrapped up in it, man, especially if that's like everyone in your family, that's everyone you're friends with, you know, that's like the only way you know, it takes a long time to learn to not communicate shitty to people. If you're stuck in like a shitty communication pattern, fuck fuck that's hard to snap out of man it's very hard very hard to recognize how other people are seeing you like so many people don't think that they come off as assholes they think they're just playing around and everybody's like oh this guy's such a douche get him away from me it's like what do you fuck you can't take a joke

it's not a joke if i don't think it's funny you know it's not a joke if no one else is laughing but you that's not a joke that's you being a douchebag and laughing about being a douchebag what the fuck brian how do we fix the world definitely not alcohol because it seems like more that's the anti-fixture vegas really taught me a lot about alcohol you know like just just seeing people on alcohol is just weird sometimes. Alcohol does terrible things for your judgment. I enjoyed myself so much more Saturday night. I had water. I drank water all night.

We went to that party. Smoked a little weed. It was fun. The problem with alcohol is everybody else is drinking too, and you wind up getting into stupid conversations over nothing. We got to hang out with Doug Benson, and I've never really even talked to him before. I've seen him a couple times. But hanging out with Doug Benson, and I've never really even talked to him before. I've seen him a couple times.

But hanging out with Doug Benson, stoned with a couple beers in us, I fucking had to dance off with him for, what, two hours. Me and him were dancing. I mean, I never fucking danced. He's a good dude. We really enjoyed hanging out with him. He's a real good dude. I've done his podcast before.

I've seen him like here and there clubs i talked to him every now and then but this is the most time i ever spent with him by far we went to dinner with him and you know talked to him a lot he's just cool man really cool guy and i you know i always questioned how much he really enjoyed pot and i will never question his pot likeness again he fucking really questioned it that's so funny that stoners are always doing that he ain't legit yeah Yeah, you know why? And I've totally felt for something that happens to you every day almost

is where you go up to him like, dude, come on, smoke weed. You want to smoke a joint? And he's just like, no. What are you talking about? But I mean, it's also like, you know, we're hanging out with other comics and stuff. Right.

So it's a little different, but still. That happens to me how often? Every day. Every time we're out at a club, it seems like. Every time, everywhere. And you're like, you don't know who these people these people are like they could have crazy shit in their weed yeah dude i got your rhododendron acid and i gotta drive home and you know the double rainbows what he's talking about double rainbow look up double rainbow on youtube dude have you seen

there's a genius no i don't want to see the remix. Oh, no, no. It's just a robot. Too much. I even watched the whole video. I watched like half of the video and I shut it off. I get it. I get it. He's freaking out over rainbows. The remix, they did the robot voice with the voice and they edited it real quick, kind

of like Tim and Eric. Oh, auto-tune that? Auto-tune. And they edited it like Tim and Eric style, kind of. How did that auto-tune shit catch on? What the fuck happened to people, man? Dude, I got T-Pain on my iPhone. Do you?

Yeah. Do you? Yeah. Do you like that stuff? It's kind of cool just like singing something that you thought of and then just changing the lyrics and the next thing you know, you can actually make it into a real song. Even if it's like you're going, That song, that Drake song, It's Over, does he use that shit auto-tune?

Because I kind of like that song. Dude, I think everyone uses auto-tune in the pop industry right now. The pop industry. Like Lindsay Loh I think everyone uses auto-tune in the pop industry right now. The pop industry. Like, Lindsay Lohan should be using pot or auto-tune. Lindsay's going to do some time now, huh? Yeah, 90 days. Lindsay Lohan, if you don't know, ladies and gentlemen, Brian says, where'd you read this off of?

I watched it live on CBS. Live. You know, they put it on video. Live. Courtroom. She's going to do 90 days in jail. That is crazy. She has to turn herself in two weeks unless she suicides, but

she still has to wear the bracelet so she can't drink every day. They made it a big deal. We want to switch to a blood thing instead of the scram. The reason why she wants to do that, because if you drink alcohol at midnight, by 4 a.m., it's not in your blood anymore.

That's why Lindsay wants to do that. It's so funny. The thing that really got to me was where the judge heard Lindsay crying and stuff. And the judge finally goes, all right, you lied here. You lied here. You lied here. You lied here. Next case.

You lied here. You lied here. It went through like four cases of like seven. I don't know if locking someone up in jail is like the best way to deal with this but this should all be a bright example to people a really a prominent example to people how you shouldn't make your fucking kids famous how many kids have to become incredibly fucked up from being famous child actors before we look at it and go this is nuts there's no way you should be doing that to a child there's no way you should be developing as a human being getting your shit together getting your ego together is hard enough as it is but to have that developing and getting

your shit together and then mix it with fame dude can you imagine like 10 years from now will smith's kid's gonna jump on your back and slice her necks? Dude. No, he's probably just going to be sad. Or who knows, man. Will is a really brilliant guy. He's a very smart guy. He might figure out a way to raise his kid correctly through this. But what an incredible fucking chore.

What an incredible responsibility. The amount of pressure you put on the kid. Because kids, you know, they can get spoiled so easy. Their perspective can get fucked up so quickly. They haven't really developed character. And to have a kid really be in a position where he never really has to overcome the same adversity that the rest of us have, he just doesn't have the opportunity to develop the character that the rest of us are going to have. The regular people that have to go through life and make their way as an adult and evolve as an adult and be an adult without money where you're in a situation where you're like, wow, I got to figure

out a way to get through this and to not have any fame whatsoever. Have to get by on your personality instead of get by on the fact that you're famous when you were six. I heard that the first eight years of your life, you learn 88% of what makes you who you are today. The things like from walking all the way to how you react to certain things and the rest is what you have to deal with like your RAM almost. Right, right, right. Yeah. I've read some stuff about it up to two years old.

I didn't read up to eight, but it makes sense. I mean, a lot of who you are as a human being is based on what kind of input you got when your mind was developing. It only makes sense. Your mind is going to prepare for a certain world you know they say that babies born into uh and into really high stress violent families where there's a lot of shouting and yelling and you know too many people like if you're in a really bad neighborhood and you know too many people in your house there's a lot of stress all the time people babies born literally are wired different than babies that are born into calm households. And babies that are born into calm households,

like the less stress you have, the more chilled out the baby can be. But if you have like a really, really tense mom, that kid's going to come out just ready to snap. That kid's going to come out recognizing danger. I had this long talk on a plane with Michael Irvin. Michael Irvin was on a plane to Australia where we're all going to the UFC. He was going there to do some football thing with Russell Crowe. And I had met him because I did Best Damn Sports Show, period. And he was on it. And he's a real cool guy, man, and very down to earth, normal dude. And so he and I were talking, and we're just talking about kids getting involved in martial arts and kids getting involved in sports. And he was talking about what he was like when he was young,

that he's trying to teach kids about controlling themselves, teach kids about keeping their shit together. And this was right after that dude that, I don't remember the football player, but he was chasing after his girlfriend. He jumped in the back of her truck, and he fell out and died. Remember that? I don't remember the guy's name. Yeah.

He was talking about that guy, that guy that was not thinking. He was just reacting. Like, you don't do shit like that when you're thinking. But these guys aren't thinking. They just react. And he's trying to teach them how to, like, put some steps in there to, like, consider things before you act and recognize that there's a reason why you're so quick to behave like that. And that these people, these reckless type people, are the ones who are always involved in really strong competitive athletics,

like fighting and football and shit like that. It's because they're so much more quick to react. They're so much more explosive. And a lot of it is just stress-based. I mean, dude, so many fighters are born from shitty households. So many. Yeah. I mean, it's not a prerequisite born from shitty households. So many. Yeah. I mean, it's not a prerequisite.

There's guys from strong families that still are great fighters because they just accept that they just love the challenge. Like George St. Pierre is a perfect example of that, very close with his dad. But a lot of guys come from fucking broken homes, man. And there's something in that. There's something in that. The fury is just a little more intense from a dude who grows up without a dad

or a dude who grows up in a real shitty situation. It's fucking crazy, man, when you really stop to think about it. It's crazy that anybody would want their kid to be famous. The Lindsay Lohan thing. This should be the last straw. Yeah. Well, there should be some common laws about it, definitely. But I think most of

the people that have their kids, it's because they're broken dreams and they're using their kids, you know, to... Do you think that's it or it's just a lack of awareness, their lack of real consideration? You see, nobody thinks it's an offensive thing. Like, you know, if you tell them, you know, oh, my daughter's acting, she's in a commercial, they go, oh, good for you. Nobody ever goes, wow, what are you doing? Like, why are you putting your kid on TV? Nobody ever says that. Nobody ever says it like, whoa, you're gonna fuck your kid up. You're gonna get

your kid famous. You know what the odds are? If you got your kid famous, what are the odds your kid's gonna grow up and be a mess? It's like 90%. Why would you ever, I mean, yeah, there's a few that get through it, and they're okay, the Jodie Fosters of the world that seem to be adjusted, but they're fucking rare, dudeodie Foster's of the world that seem to be adjusted. But they're fucking rare, dude.

What are you doing? Are you making a... What? What the fuck is that? Oh, I forgot to watch the video. He's making a... Yeah. He forgot? Did you really forget?

He did. He really did. He's so fucking silly. He made the lesbian lick the hand thing. Oh. Yeah, I mean, what the fuck, man? To develop and to think that you're special right from the beginning. I mean, Lindsay Lohan was famous from, she was one of those Disney hookers, right?

So many Disney hookers. There is. They breed them. They make these little hot little hookers. Let's count them off. Who are the Disney hookers? Christina Aguilera, is she at Disney? Well, Timberlake made it through.

Timberlake, is he cool? He got it together? Dude, that dude's got it totally down. Really? Yeah, that super successful right-headed. Cool guy. Well, he's still super successful, too, though. There's never a drop-off.

Oh, he's way more. They get a drop-off. It's one of the top guys. He's a Mariah Carey, you know, whatever. When they drop off, that's when they get nuts, right? Right. It's hard to rebound. And people want to see how far you fall and crash,

so they kind of support your dropping. Right. You know, they turn their energy on, wow, he's really failing. You have to hit rock bottom, and then they'll let you come back up again. But, you know, you have to Britney Spears it. You have to fucking just ride that boat right into the rocks. Now, do you think Britney has snapped back, or do you think she has just a new person that protects her nonstop? You know, like, I am hired to make sure you don't fuck up ever again.

I think you don't fix that kind of crazy. You don't fix it. That shit is not fixable. That's crazy to the bones, man. She's fucking nuts. They're not fixing anything. That's a real simple case to me. Case closed.

They're just handling her. Or they marry Brian Austin Green. What the fuck happened? What's her face? Megan Fox. You think she's wacky too? to me case closed they just they're just handling her or they married brian austin green what the fuck happened oh what's her face megan fox you think she's she's wacky too well she married brian austin green actually i don't know how young was she when she got famous she probably is a really cool chick if she married brian austin green well yeah right think about that that guy's not even right he's not even working anymore right she's probably the coolest chick ever well either that or brian austin green is like a pimp of unimaginable proportions.

He might be a pimp. Doesn't she have his name tattooed on her? Yeah. I say he's a pimp. Dude, he has to be a pimp. You can hate all you want about Brian Austin Green. I'm not hating. I'm sorry.

Anybody can. You people out there, you want to hate? What if that was you? I don't know. If you're at the Peach Pit, which guy would you choose? Peach Pit? What the fuck? You always have to take it to some dark, dark place.

This Brian Austin Green fellow, isn't he like a rapper now? Doesn't he rap? Does he really? Yeah, doesn't he? I don't know. I didn't think he did anything. I think we need to find out right now. This is beautiful. What a beautiful time to be alive in the internet. If you have a question, you just throw that bitch into Google. It's so simple.

Brian Austin Green rapping. We are about to find out, ladies and gentlemen. We don't have to go to the fucking library. We don't have to go to a college and meet some experts. Oh, Brian Austin. Okay, that was on TV. That wasn't.

No, see, that's what I think it is. I think it's just that he had it on his show. Well, let's go into his wiki. A moment in rap history. That's true. Around the same time, his character on 90210, David Silver, started rapping. Among his lyrical stylings, you're so precious to me. Am I precious to you? The answer, Brian, is yes.

Okay. That was so pointless. We missed the very beginning of it. It's still pointless. We didn't have his rapping. I mean, they had some of his lyrics. I think they're just saying that he was a rapper. But he was whack.

But we can't play it because then we'll have to pay him or something. Oh, really? You know, something like that. Because that was on VH1. Well, they were also saying that he's whack. I mean, they quoted his lyrics. Oh. That's pretty whack.

Oh, that sucks. That's just, like, those lyrics were so whack, like, you don't even have to pass a judgment on them. You just play them for people and raise your eyeballs and go, hmm. It's like, you ever see that movie, Jesus Camp? Yeah. Crazy, crazy fucking movie. And the best part about the movie is they didn't cast any judgment.

They just showed you these nutty motherfuckers that are out there raising kids to be Christian jihadists. You don't have to. You don't have to cast anything. And the people are so nutty that they'll approve it. You could show them the fucking video, and they would say, yeah, that's our message. You got our message down, sir.

That's a good documentary. Meanwhile, anybody who saw that thing, it was like a fucking horror movie, taking little kids. The best part is when they make them talk in tongues. Did you see that part? They would say, everybody now talk in tongues. So the kids would go, they would say everybody now

talk in tongues so the kids would go it's like God talking through them in tongues it's hilarious they're five years old man

five years old it's nonsense they love nonsense five years old love to talk nonsense all five year old kids do so you give them like a time of the day

at school alright kids time to go nonsense so they just go full fantasy and they're talking in this made-up language and it's obviously not a fucking language because it's you're not saying anything like you i can tell when i'm listening to someone talk even if they have a foreign language i can tell if it's a real language you know you hear someone talking in like in, like they're saying a bunch of crazy shit, but there's a flow to it where, you know, they're not saying the same sounds over and over and over and over again, which is what you do because you have to invent

all these sounds on the fly. If you're making a fake language, like to, to have them vary to the point where it looks like it's like an actual like language, that's difficult. So you start going, which is what they all do. They're all uncreative fucks, and they're talking in tongues, and they're just making nonsense noises. That's all they're doing, man. And they're getting little kids to do this shit. And they're telling these kids that you're warriors for Christ. And this woman was comparing them to how Hamas and all these terrorist organizations raise little jihadists. She was literally comparing them to how you know hamas and all these terrorist organizations raise little jihadists she was literally comparing them she's comparing them like why why don't we do that with

christianity like this would be a good thing the reason why these people willing to blow themselves up is because they indoctrinated them into the world of radical islam we can do the same thing but for good she's like but we're good not seeing the the irony you know in the you know brainwashing kids she's talking well they're getting brainwashed with the wrong thing. But if we brainwash our kids with the truth and Jesus, I'm like, whoa. Joe had to raise kids.

I had two guys knock on my door today that were both my age dressed up in the white shirts and the ties and stuff like that. Is that a Scientology or a Mormon thing? That's a Mormon, right? Mormons? I laugh.

Mormons are some of the nicest fucking people. I have to tell you. They might be, but... They're so nice, dude. But I can't stop laughing at them. You know, it's like... It's ridiculous. It's completely ridiculous.

The whole... Look, it's all ridiculous, though. It's not that, you know, being a Muslim isn't ridiculous, but being a Jew is. Everything's ridiculous. Being a Catholic's ridiculous. Being a Protestant's ridiculous. Being a Catholic's ridiculous. Being a Protestant's

ridiculous. Being a Baptist is ridiculous. Being a Buddhist is ridiculous. Being in anything is ridiculous. You're a fucking human being. And if you attach yourself and your mind to any ideology, you're going to be on a road. And that road may or may not lead you in a good direction. But you're going to stay on that fucking road if you're attached to an ideology. And it could be a terrible road. It could be a road of, you know, circumcising your daughter's clitoris because that's a fucking tradition. I mean, these fucking crazy bitches in Africa that cut holes in their lip and stretch them out to put plates on. Why is that? Because they got on a fucking road and they stuck with that road, regardless of rational thinking. They didn't use rational thinking at all. They just adapted a predetermined pattern of behavior that makes life so much more simple. And that's what every

fucking religion is. The problem is no one knows. You cannot know. You can have your own beautiful personal experiences. You could have been the person that was actually touched by God. But when you start yelling and ranting that other people have to follow your lead or the fucking world's going to end and Christians are going to be taken away. I know you're full of shit. I know you're full of shit and you know you're full of shit. And the real problem is that we can't say it because everybody's got this freedom of religion, freedom of religion, religious freedom, the freedom to express yourself. Even if you're expressing yourself with nonsense, nonsense that helps scared, lonely, sad people

lock onto that nonsense so they feel like they're a part of something. I mean, that's what it is. It preys on people whose lives fucking suck. So it's all nuts. It's not like your shit's cool and my shit's not. And it's not that yoga's the answer or fucking mushrooms are the answer. There's just questions. And until we're honest about that, we're never going to evolve.

The human race is stuck in a giant quagmire when it comes to our behavior and our thinking about our behavior. Yeah, totally. And one thing is they all look like from the Geek Squad, these Mormon guys. They're crazy. On 10 speeds. Can you imagine, though, if they mixed it up and showed up with hairy chests and necklaces and rave clothes on and sunglasses? How scary that would be if the Mormons came to your house like that. If they started rocking it.

Yeah, like they'd pull up in like new Chevys or whatever. Yeah, man. I don't think the world's ready for a hip religion yet. There was some work they were doing with rock and roll churches. Remember that? Yeah, they still have those. Do they have those?

Are they still popular? Totally popular. Mine had a Starbucks in it. There was a girl that used to work they still have those. Do they have those? Yeah. Are those still popular? Totally popular. Mine had a Starbucks in it. There was a girl that used to work at Fear Factor. She was a very nice girl. And she was, you know, trying to find her place. And she started going

to a rock and roll church saying how much I would really love this rock and roll church. And even though this guy is talking about God, he's really all just about being positive

and that's the vehicle that he uses uses for a lot of people man religion can give you some inspiration but there comes a certain point in time where you have to pop the training wheels off and you have to recognize that all this morality that you've developed is good because it's good to treat other people good it's good to treat other people the way you would like to be treated yourself it's like a fucking golden rule and there's a reason for it. And that reason is that we're connected in some strange way that we don't totally understand. Unless you are good to other people around you, unless you're kind and friendly and warm and loving, you're not going to fucking enjoy this life. You're just not.

You're going to be problems everywhere you go. You're going to have problems everywhere you go. You've got to figure out a way to enjoy this fucking life. It's not because of Jesus. It's not because of Moses. It's not because of anybody that may or may not have ever existed. It's because that's how you fit in better in the world. That's how you stay positive. And it doesn't have to be some shit that was written 5,000 years ago on fucking animal skins. That doesn't have to be the golden rule because it's old. You know, that's dumb. We need to figure out like now, today, what is, you know, the best way to live your life?

What is the, you know, there's got to be ways you can be putting forward the most positive energy. I mean, we know objectively what's causing pollution. We know objectively what's causing birth defects and, you know, and we're taking in too much chemicals and not enough vitamins. We know objectively all this stuff. We know how to organize our world and yet we don all this stuff. We know how to organize our world, and yet we don't do it. We know how to organize our health, and yet very few people do it. We know all these things. The right path to being a happy, healthy person

is to do all the shit that we already know you're supposed to do. Take care of your body. Take care of your health. Take care of your mind, your stress. Meditate, be kind to people. We all know that. I mean, you ask anybody, they know how to get by and to be the most evolved version of you that you can be. I mean, it's not like a magical checklist. If you talk to people about it, you said, okay, you got a person, you want to improve them. What are the things you're

going to do to them? Okay, well, if I was a life coach, the first thing I would say is this guy's got to get on a diet that makes him healthy. I don't mean a diet just to lose weight. I mean just healthy foods in your body. Many, many vegetables. Vegetables, a lot of good quality protein, a lot of water. Stop the sodas. Stop the bullshit. Start working out your body and get a better sense of how this machine feels when it's moving. It's flowing better. There's less tension in it. Your mind feels like relaxed and you enjoy every single moment of the day better. Step one, everybody knows that step, right? What's step two? Be cool to people. Be nice to as many people as you can. Smile at as many people as you can.

Have them smile back at you. Tip well when you go to restaurants. Just do the most you can. Be as nice as you can and just still manage to not have people walk all over you. Tip well when you go to restaurants. Just do the most you can. Be as nice as you can, you know, and just still manage to not have people walk all over you. Just get through this life as nice as you can. What else? Do what you want to do with your life, right? Don't be doing something you don't enjoy. Don't do something that's, don't get locked into, you know, a car that you can't afford and doing something crazy because you need the money. Don't do that. Do what you want to do. Do what the fuck is it that you really want to do. Because if someone else is doing it, you can do it.

You know? I mean, everybody makes their own path through this world, but a lot of people don't follow the path that they really fucking feel pulled to. You know? Just for whatever reason. They got negative programming. You know, when they were kids,

someone told them they couldn't do it or told them to take the shortcut or take the sure route. That's a sad thing, man, when you talk to dudes, especially like talented dudes, and they don't follow up with what they want to do. You know? You know anybody like that? I don't know, but I was just thinking of your list that I think you should never stop tickling people. And I don't know why it's looked down upon because I enjoy making people laugh, including forcing them to laugh. I don't like people tickling me. And I don't know why it's looked down upon because I enjoy making people laugh

in all, you know, including tickling, forcing them to laugh. I don't like people tickling. Why are you ticklish? Yeah. Ticklish.

Yeah. I think tickle, you know, do you know where ticklish, this is an interesting subject. Do you know where this comes from? No, it's an evolutionary trait and it's from,

uh, being freaked out instantly and immediately about spiders and insects crawling on you. Really? Because if you're sleeping on the ground, yeah. Because if you're sleeping on the ground and something's on you and you fucking move like that, that's what ticklish is. You're trying to avoid these instant reactions to these weird sensitive areas of your body, especially things where things can crawl

like under your armpits. You touch my armpit, I'll jump through the fucking roof. I fucking, but that's what it is. You know what I'm saying? It's like this is all um it's an evolutionary thing i did not know that it makes sense of course why else would you have this extreme reaction on the bottom of your feet that's where you're stepping on things not ticklish at all though i mean like because they're dopes and they're supposed to die because you know i i dated this girl that i even went to their lot you know the last you have your answer she was willing to date you so you know she's fucked up all right that's a b um she's she's ready to be bitten by a

spider right i always go for the butthole as the last move though like if you're not ticklish you're ticklish in the butthole and then wow that usually gets them you ever watch a porno where a girl's got a rubber butthole and you're like this is ridiculous how is this chick taking this the ass she's getting pounded in the ass yeah how do they do that i don't know what i'm you've seen the belladonna one yeah dude she's crazy and so we've talked about that in the podcast before where we we looked it up and then we found out there was like we looked up um baseball bat porn because we thought it would only be the one belladonna video no there's like a bunch of videos of chicks with bats up their ass i think it's once a girl puts a bat up her ass then the the other porn guys like they come to the other chicks and go,

See, look, she's willing to do it. What, you don't want to do it? You don't want to work? You're just going to add it to your resume. That's an extra job that you would get that you wouldn't have got before. It's a dark road, son. That's kind of weird. I would like to see the resumes of some of these girls.

Like, we'll do baseball bats. We'll eat donkey ass. Here's a fucking funny story. There was a dude that was friends with a friend of mine. I didn't know the guy that well. But he was dating a porno star. ass here's a fucking funny story there was a dude uh that was uh friends with a friend of mine i didn't know the guy that well but uh he was dating a porno star and uh he was like trying to be cool with it because he didn't have any money and she was you know paying the bills and shit and he was i think he was a musician and uh she came home with a contract and he was just you know hey it's

just sex man it's no big deal yeah i'm allowed to fuck other girls i'm on the road too you know we're just open it's no big deal and she doesn't fuck any of those guys when she's not working with them you know the whole deal he had this whole rationalization thing and then he got a contract and he's going over the contract and he goes what's this what's this what's this airtight what does that mean and she goes airtight is one of my mouth one of my asshole one of my pussy and he goes this this relationship's over that's it he just fucking threw in the towel right then and there he's like what what what what what at the same time one in your asshole one of your and they have a name for it okay and you're

about to go airtight yeah done that's it put a fucking fork in it hooker you go triple rainbow damn first of all you know any girl that would let you do that any girl whoa any girl that wants to do that and any girl that is in a relationship where the man is like cool with her doing that you got a whole lot of problems there's there's this girl who was uh there's this guy i Salami was his name. I think he lives in Seattle now. Cool dude. He was a porn producer, didn't like it, got out of it. He said the whole business is just fucked up.

It's all crazy and everyone's a mess. He just wanted to be a healthier person. So now he's teaching jiu-jitsu. Super nice guy. So anyway, he tells us, hey, man, come see me. We're doing a porno shoot. Come watch it. It's pretty fun. So I was with Tate. And we were like, all man, come see me. We're doing a porno shoot. Come watch it. It's pretty fun.

So I was with Tate, and we were like, all right, fuck it. We'll go. We just got back from the road. We just landed from some gig, and this is when Tate was staying with me. So before we went to my house, we just drove to this guy's fucking porno shoot. I mean, right out of the airport, right?

We walk in the door. We walk in the door, and there's this one guy with guns tattooed on his body. He's got guns, like one of those dudes. And then the other guy is just this regular muscle-looking dude, and they are ruining this bitch. They are ruining her. One guy is pounding her asshole with his dick,

and one guy is fucking her mouth, and every couple seconds, they pull her off the dick and spit in her mouth. So this girl goes through this terrible day of all this, spitting, fucking her asshole, fucking her pussy. And then when it's all over, she goes into the shower, and she wants everyone to piss in her mouth. So these porno stars start peeing in her mouth, and she sits there with her mouth open,

and then she wants the director to do it. You, get over here. So the director goes over, and he pees in her mouth wow and i am watching this whole thing i'm like this might be the saddest shit i've ever seen in my life this girl is on her knees in the shower okay the water's pouring all over her she's totally wet she's been pounded in the asshole in the mouth all day two dudes have taken turns spitting in her mouth of three dudes because the director did it too he's spitting her mouth too everybody was spitting in her mouth and now she's on her knees and there's a dude pissing in her mouth and they're filming it and i'm like wow so then she goes my boyfriend's gonna pick me up at

blah you know four or something like that and we're like your boyfriend oh man that's ridiculous and i didn't want to talk to her i didn't want to be mean i didn't want to be judgmental i didn't want to say anything i i introduced myself hi Hi, Joe. Nice to meet you. I'm going to watch you fuck. Me and my friend Tate here, we're going to sit and watch you get fucked. So we were sitting like maybe fucking 10 feet away from this, standing, standing, like maybe 10 feet away while these two dudes were pounding on this chick. And then these guys peed in this girl's mouth. And then she starts talking about her boyfriend.

What does your boyfriend do? He's a cook. So like a short order cook at some like Denny's or some shit like that oh my god and uh you know and i go is your is your husband um cool with all this yeah he's cool with it as long as i keep bringing home checks he's cool with it and so uh tate goes does uh is he allowed to fuck anybody else she goes he better not i'll fucking kill him oh my god like whoa he better not i'll fucking kill him oh my god whoa he better not i'll fucking kill him like what did i just watch this is just this might be the nuttiest fucking scene i've ever been a part of in my whole life like this is so strange that's awful do you remember her name like her name or anything no idea i wouldn't remember her face her name anything i'd never seen her before

again there's so many of them dude there's so much porn going on out here there's so many dudes that i know i know so many guys from jujitsu uh tyler knight i know him he's a porn dude very cool guy he's got a really awesome blog too he writes about gangbang scenes and shit like that and uh jake steed used to train at machados and then um there was another dude that used to train the machados's, T.T. Boy. And then John LaFontaine. Well, that's his real name. I'm not supposed to. Vince Voyer.

Vince Voyer is another fucking male porn star. There's like a gang of them, man. There's like all these porn guys. There's so much porn going on out here. It's ridiculous. Girls come out here with whatever issues and looking for a dream. And a lot of them, it doesn't work out. And the next thing you know, they're doing porn.

And then there's girls that just have always wanted to get into porn. And then they're just fucking Sasha Gray type chicks. They come here when they're 18, good to go, ready to suck dick on film. It's kind of depressing, actually. But it makes the grocery store at 2 a.m a lot better you know because you're just walking around there's some porn chick wasted trying to get cantaloupes it's way worse when you have kids dude i bet yeah i have a hard time beating off porn these days yeah i have to like shut off the compassionate part of my brain really yeah

compassionate part of my brain wants to go okay what if this is my daughter with you know my daughter was doing this and guys were holding her eyelids open and jizzing in her eyeball you know i've watched that the other day and i'm like what the fuck is someone's baby someone's little baby girl you know someone's fucking her mouth like that maybe she likes it you know some girls do like that so you can't you can't say always that it's terrible but you know for a chances are if you're getting pounded in a porno film that's not really what you want to be doing you should try to figure out something else that you can masturbate to like start like getting attracted to something on purpose to try to someone's gonna come up with anime porn yeah

just get over some fucking awesome cgi CGI. Use the Quake 4 engine. Yeah. Once it gets to the point where pornography can be artificially created, then it'll be way better. It's karma-free porn. Today's the day that Doc set the time machine

to go back to the future. Really? Yeah. Wow. That's hilarious. How do you know that? Somebody tweeted it earlier today i didn't research it so it might be fake could you imagine if they really do invent a time machine one day because the real thing about time machines that people aren't aware of there's like scientists that actually try to like study time travel and whether or not there's a guy who's in a fucking story. His name is Ronald Mallett. Dr. Ronald Mallett, I believe, from Connecticut. See if you Google that shit.

See if that's his name. But anyway, the guy has a fantastic story. He's like the leading scientist when it comes to theoretical models for time travel. What was his name? Ronald Mallett from, I believe, University of Connecticut. And he has like a working model. Yeah, it is Ronald Mallett from, I believe, University of Connecticut. And he has like a working model. Yeah, it is Ronald Mallett. He has a working model of a M-A-L-L-E-T-T or one T or two Ts? T-T.

Two Ls, two Ts. Ronald M-A-L-L-E-T-T. Look him up on Google. There's some videos about him. But his dad died. It's a crazy story. His dad died when he was a kid. And he was so hurt. He loved his father. There's all these photos of him and his father, and his father smiling, and he's

smiling. He was so close to his father. When his father died, it crushed him. And so he dedicated his life to creating a time machine. He dedicated his life to creating a time machine so that he could go back in time and save his father so his father would be with him again. So that was the entire focus of his life. And he got to a certain point where he realized that you can someday, it is possible to travel back in time, but it's not something that you're going to be able

to go back to any point in history. You're only going to be able to go back in time to the moment that the first time machine was invented. So what will be able to go back to any point in history. You're only going to be able to go back in time to the moment that the first time machine was invented. So what will be able to be possible is you'll be able to, the moment there is a time machine invented, you'll that day, from that day on, you'll be able to go to any point in history that you want. So you can go to, you know, assuming there's human beings around, you know, assuming the world hasn't been hit by another planet or some crazy shit, you'll be able to go to, you know, 1 the world hasn't been hit by another planet or some crazy shit, you'll be able to go to, you know, one million years from now. Let's see what the world looks

like one million years from now, because there will be time machines functional back then, or in that future. But the problem is then, this is the, this, you know, this is all theoretical, but the problem is that any moment in time could also go back to the moment the first time machine was invented. So if you can travel back in time from any moment in time that's like millions of years in fact infinite if people are still alive of of time of years of people going back to the moment of the first time machine being invented so it's literally like the whole notion of time gets broken you know there's no there's no like real future it all kind of happens

all at once so it literally fucks with the entire fabric of the universe everything can come back to the moment that the first time machine was invented it like breaks everything so this is like real shit they're working on like this this guy is like really convinced that this is a possible thing that's craziness beyond here's something's something else. Back to the Future 3. If you look at the very end of the movie when Doc has his kids and he's telling like, See you, Marty.

Everything's going to be good. Look at one of the kids. The kid starts going like this. Like, come here or put something in my hand. And then he points to his dick. What? It is so ridiculous. And just got snuck through?

Somehow it snuck through. But I'm talking about like a six-year-old. Dude, people were so stupid back then. They didn't even know. So yeah. You could find on YouTube, like Back to the Future, three points to package. Is that one of those movies that you go watch it today

and it would disappoint the shit out of you? Yeah. Not so good, huh? Not so good. I mean, I saw the first one the other day and it was okay. But then I saw the third one and it was okay but then i saw the third one it was just so dumb i didn't even want to watch it yeah man the evolution of movies has been pretty fucking pretty obvious you know the evolution of what we accept you know yeah

like people talk about avatar being silly and ridiculous but still you see toy story 3 yet no i heard it's awesome. Is it? Yeah. One of the best. All that animation stuff just freaks me the fuck out. I was reading in Wired that there's some insane amount of time for every frame as far as rendering. Something like seven hour fucking time for each frame to render. Isn't that insane? Which movie, though?

This can't be now. It was a Pixar movie. Is it now? Really? Yeah. That's crazy. Better Google that. It seems like it would be better than... I could go into the living room and go get that magazine,

but I don't know exactly where it is, and I don't want to get up. But the idea is that it's still, even to this day, it's very difficult to do. The whole, even if my time frame is wrong, the whole, why don't you just look under Wired? Pixar. Pixar.

Not Pixel. But it's still not quite there yet, as far as the technology that's going to exist one day where you can create instant artificial people. You know, you remember like the editing that you're doing right now just with Final Cut, you know, on just doing it on a regular home computer, an Apple. I mean, this is the kind of shit that 10 years ago was like fucking dreaming. You know, you're dreaming, bitch.

Like, you know, what? You're going to be able to edit and how fast is it going to render? Are you're gonna put shit together it's that easy 20 years ago science fiction right 20 years ago science fiction 30 years ago super crazy science fiction that's like ridiculous you're talking you're talking about something that's just like people would look at in the movies and go wow you know like minority report type shit yeah where they make it look like you can do it now but it really is not going to exist for another, you know, 100 years or so. What did you say? How many hours?

I think they said seven. Yeah, that's what they just. Seven hours? Just right at seven hours, yeah. Seven hours per pixel. Yeah. Yeah. What the fuck, man?

That's ridiculous. And that's like a supercomputer too, right? Don't they use like a server farm? I'm sure they use, yeah, a huge cloud of computers. Definitely. Yeah, man. That's nuts. That's ridiculous.

Those movies take a lot of fucking time but god damn they're cool as fuck so seven hours now so in 10 years that means we could do pixar movies on our phone oh yeah yeah that's inevitable right that's gonna be awesome hey dude check out toy story 80 huh if they don't break the universe before then. Yeah, right. That's my latest theory. That the human beings create the Big Bang. I've been talking about it on that stage. I think that's what we're doing. I think that's why the Big Bang... I think 14 billion years ago plus was the Big Bang.

I think it was a lonely dude in his basement who figured out a way to break the universe. And he had a switch and he wanted to see what happened. And he clicked it. And the whole thing... I think that's what happens. and he had a switch and he wanted to see what happened and he clicked it. And the whole thing just went... I think that's what happens. And then, you know, people get curious

and we develop to a certain point in time where we repeat the process. Isn't that possible? I mean, nobody knows what the fuck created the Big Bang, right? But when you see scientists working on shit like the Large Hadron collider large hadron collider is this crazy experiment that they're participating right now in europe where they've got this 22 kilometer long machine and it spins these atoms around and collides them it's

just just slightly slower than the speed of light and they're trying to recreate a thing called the higgs boson particle now they believe there's actually five different Higgs-Boson particles. They're trying to figure out like what existed. They call it the God particle for lack of a better word and it's what existed just a millisecond, you know, a fraction of a millisecond even right after the Big Bang. So when they get that, when they figure out how to do that and if they do recreate the Higgs-Boson, if they do really, you know, find out it's not just a theoretical particle but it's real, when they get that, when they figure out how to do that, and if they do recreate the Higgs boson, if they do really find out it's not just a theoretical particle but it's real, when they do that, they're not going to stop there. They're not going to stop there.

They're going to keep going. What's the next thing? They've got 10,000 scientists working on that. This is the biggest project in scientific history, and it has nothing to do with making our lives better. Technology at one point in time was all about making your life better. Technology was about, you know, hey, we need to get water and we don't want to, you know, just have to drink it out of the river every time. We need to get it and bring it back to camp.

What do we do? We figured out how to make a jug. You know, I mean, that's technology. Technology today, the shit like the Higgs-Boson particle, shit like the Large Hadron Collider, shit like making time machines, like, what are you doing? Like, what the fuck are you doing? You're not fixing the hole in the ground in the Gulf that's making the oil pull out.

Shouldn't they pull all the scientists off everything and go, okay, we gotta fix this before the whole ocean gets poisoned? I've always wondered why they don't do that anyway. So with cancer, with anything, it's just like, all right, all you guys, we're gonna take, all the scientists at once cancer one year do it well yes you know these guys aren't experts in their fields obviously you mean you can't know everything about everything it's a silly concept i mean what i'm saying but it would be great if they took all the top scientists from

all the different disciplines that would be involved and they immediately allocated funds to get them to work on the project instantly. And just the government step... I mean, I'm not in favor of the government stepping in, but in this case, I would say this is not just a natural disaster. This is a fucking catastrophic disaster, where apocalyptic disaster,

where they need to step in and do something about this immediately. They need to impose almost like a martial law type of a thing. Take over the whole... But then again, who's going to be good that's doing that for the government? to impose almost like a martial law type of a thing. Take over the whole, you know. But then again, who's going to be good that's doing that for the government? The government would have to involve the private sector, and then the private sector would try to make a lot of money from it,

and they would try to fuck people over, and there would be a big scandal, and it would be like Halliburton, and they'd find out billions of dollars are missing from the, you know, whatever. My fucking idea sucks. You see that baby in China that was born with a second family? Dude, I did, and I didn't want to look oh i saw it and i i shut it off that shit depresses the fuck out of me it's it's pretty amazing though it's i mean it's a second face and it kind of looks like what is that movie phantom of the opera or whatever but it's i mean did you does it say if they're going to be able to fix the kid or no dude i didn't read it depresses shit out of me. Just like the one that I saw the other day

where there's a baby that was born. It was like a fish baby. And like the skin had this very strange disease. That shit's so depressing to me, man. You know, fucked at birth. Yeah. And especially, man, it's depressing when you find out that it's due to birth defects

because of chemicals. People that worked at factories and people that were given chemicals they shouldn't have been given while they were pregnant. Man, China. China's a tricky place right now, man. China has some of the most polluted cities in the world. Have you ever seen videos on that?

Is that the same where they're dropping all our old computers and cell phones are all going there? Is that China? I don't know. Do they go to China? Yeah, there's somewhere they go, and it's just cities that are kind of like, what's that WALL-E movie,

where it's cities of just old computers and stuff like that. Let's find out where they go. Let's find out, because I never heard of that before. Really? No, but I do know that China has terrible pollution problems,

and there was one city where they showed it. Was it a VBS.tv doc? Some doc that I watched on, the most polluted city in the world. And just one day in the city, just breathing the air, is like smoking three packs of cigarettes a day. Wow. So every fucking day you're there, you're smoking three packs of cigarettes a day. The sky was brown, man.

It was crazy. Like, you couldn't see shit. It took smog to a... Like, nasty dude when you come over like when you're coming from the valley and you come over that hill and you see everything brown and you can't even see the fucking mountains outside of like pasadena you can't see the mountains and you look at it and you go what the fuck are we doing to the air that ain't shit compared to china right china's five times worse than that. It is the nuttiest shit you've ever seen in your life. I don't know what kind of laws they have. I don't know how

they get away with shit like that, but the factories just pump shit out. What is this? So we have a photo. You found the dangers of old computers. There's a computer wasteland. Does it say what country? China. China. A woman in China was about to smash... Everybody keeps going off about how great the economy is in China,

and China's becoming like a capitalist economy, and Chinese people are, the whole country, it's changing and flourishing, and we owe America, owes China so much. And then you look at what China's really doing, like ConCam, or Foxconn, rather. Right? Isn't that the name of the company? Yeah, Foxconn. Foxconn's where all Right? Isn't that the name of the company? Yeah, Foxconn.

Foxconn's where all those guys who are working for Apple keep killing themselves. They help make iPhones. Speaking of, how do you like your new iPhone? I had to get a new one. Yeah. Oh, you did? Yeah, I had to get a new one.

What happened? It wouldn't accept the SIM card. It kept saying I didn't have a SIM card. Oh. Yeah. Crazy. I don't know what happened. It just kept doing it.

It kept saying no sim card no sim card and so finally eventually i had to bring it back to him yeah so do you want to see live uh me going from three bars to zero service oh okay this is the thing where if you touch the bottom it says uh it does something first i show it okay if you don't know nobody could see this man this fucking web camera sucks you can see i have bars okay you can at least see i have a couple bars right well just just do it and tell us what's happening okay it's going it's going from i just went to three it was on four actually um it's now a two oh wow and it's now going to go to one any second now. So it just slowly drops?

Yeah. You know what Apple says? They say that it's an error in the phones. Wow, it dropped down to one. That's crazy. It's going to go to no service now. They say that it's an error in the phones computing and that it's not an error.

Wow, it's saying no service. It's just searching. Wow. Okay, let it go now. And then it'll go an error. Wow, it's saying no signal. Wow, okay, let it go now. And then it'll go back up. And so Apple's trying to say that it's not a real problem. They're trying to say that what you're getting is just a more accurate

representation of the signals. Wow, now it's got a signal, which is whack. That doesn't make any sense. Yeah, because what they're saying is if this is wrong, if you don't have three bars right now, you actually have one bar and covering up the antenna will make it go down. It's a stupid thing to say.

Because, okay, so you're saying that the phone just calculates the bars incorrectly, and really when you touch it a certain way, then it calculates them right? What is that, the truth button? The fuck are you talking about? You have a button, and it's a part of the phone, and if you touch it, it makes the phone honest with you? That's stupid. That's a hardware problem, you cocksucker. Right.

It doesn't do it with the case, which is good, because I never use my iPhone without a case anyway. You get signal here, man. Yeah. You should get signal. Yeah, I got signal. And when you had no signal, that's not normal. Right.

But the problem is, what are they going to really do about it? Is this software update just going to make everyone, that just not normal right but the problem is what are they going to really do about it is this software update just going to make all the everyone that just not happen you're just going to always have lower signal than normal i don't know i i don't buy it somebody just made up a whack excuse right because if they didn't make up a whack excuse they would have had to have some massive fucking recall yeah people would have gone nuts there's class action lawsuit in the works Massive fucking recall. People would have gone nuts.

There's a class action lawsuit in the works. Yeah, but they said it does it on the 3G and the 3GS. But I tried it on my 3GS and I couldn't do it. I tried bottom right. I tried top. Oh, really? Yeah. I couldn't do it.

Maybe they broke theirs or something. Maybe. Maybe it was older models. Yeah. I don't know, man. It's a stupid way to deal with the issue, though. Tell people they have to buy a bumper, especially when you're selling bumpers for $30, which is kind of douchey in and of itself. Yeah. You know?

Yeah. How come if I drop it, it's fucked? Right. Even with that bumper. Yeah. So you give me this little thing to put around it. Oh, how much is this little thing? $30.

This is $30. Right. And only Apple makes it. And it should have came with it. Fucking, you got a BlackBerry the day. It came with a leather case. Yeah. I can't get a little piece of rubber. I know.

You know, so I went to Best Buy and I bought two of the only cases that Best Buy sells, you know, that cover the back. Right. So the first one I put on, it was so tight and poorly made, I think it was Belkin, that the top button just automatically was always pushed down. So it was just resetting my phone over and over. So I had a second one that I was going to give to you, and I opened that one and tried it again.

Same thing, went online, found out that's the problem with the case. So then I bought this other one from Griffith that had plastic back to it. And every time you took a photo, it would flash and hit the plastic and flash back into the camera, and every photo looked like shit

Oh, I went back online same exact thing across the board So the only case we can get right now is this one that won't protect the back They not fix that how do they not have cases for an iPhone? Come on Apple. Where's what? Alright, so if I break this you're gonna replace the back because there's no other fucking case What it and what is the deal deal with this glass on the back? Why do you have glass on the back? For reception issues. Is that what it is?

Is that what it is? Yeah, it's what it's supposed to be for. It's supposed to be for better reception. Wow. I mean, come on. You're carrying a piece of glass in your pocket. What are the odds that thing's going to break and stab in your fucking leg and cut your dick off? Wait for the first person to sit on the back of their phone and get it.

And it goes up their asshole and they die. What do you think? A month? Can you imagine if that's how you died? You sat on an iPhone, it went up your ass and that killed you. Yeah. What was that guy that used to, 30 Ways to Die or whatever, 99 Ways to Die, he put glass things up his ass and sat on them.

Remember he had like this fetish of putting a glass, whatever. Dude. That was a bad story. Was that one of those episodes? Yeah. Really? Yeah. That show was disturbing as fuck.

I like that show. It's good. different people have died. Spike's doing good with their shows. That's a good one. Yeah. That's a good short attention span show. You just flip in,

you know, anytime you flip it through the channels and they'll start like a real kind of like a, what's the word? Just a hokey sort of a reenactment, you know, where it's, there's like a certain amount of like a um what's the word just a hokey sort of a reenactment you know where it's there's like a certain amount of humor to it you know and they know they're going to show you a fucked up way somebody died yeah it's kind of creepy to watch but it's interesting to me because then i think about all these i have that extra thought every time you know i want to shove

something up my ass i know i might die from it you know you know you know i mean i do know i do know it's a hard urge to resist shoving things up your ass sometimes it just overcomes you or or just crossing the street with my eyes closed you know whatever you see you showed me one guy one cup didn't you somebody did one guy one cup i think you showed it to me man i don't look for those things anymore that was the one where the guy put a jar up his asshole. Right. And then he sat down and his asshole crushed the jar. And chunks of glass and blood start falling out of this guy's body.

And he doesn't even freak out. That's the most disturbing part about it. You know, I still don't know if I believe everything anymore. Oh, I believe that one. I don't know if that's a fake glass anymore. If that's not fake, someone needs a goddamn Academy Award. Well, the BME Pan Olympics was fake. No, it's not.

A lot of that is not fake. No, it is all fake. People say it's fake. I don't believe them. The person that knows the most about it, I have it on my website. Dude, some parts of that were real. Wasn't that one where it wasn't one of them that cut his finger off? Huh?

Wasn't that the BME Pan Olympics? No, no, no. The Pan Olympics is where they're just chopping their balls off and stuff like that. They're all blurry to me, man. They're all the same to me. Isn't that the BME? No, no, no. The Pan Olympics where they're just chopping their balls off and stuff like that. They're all blurry to me, man. They're all the same to me. Isn't that sad? Yeah.

All the videos go together. I know there's one where a guy cut his finger off where it's absolutely real. Yeah, I'm sure that might be real. There's fucking crazy people. This guy with the jar up his asshole is real, dude. It's really pretty obvious

it's real. You believe we landed on the moon too, don't you? It's nasty. I don't know what the moon too, don't you? It's nasty. I don't know what the fuck happened to that dude when he was a kid. It made him want to shove bottles up his asshole and have him crush inside of him and then drop out. What happened? What is it?

Lindsay Lohan's your mom. Do you think that'll do it? Fuck yeah. I can imagine Lindsay Lohan as your mom and fucking the dude from Jackass, Steve-O, as your dad. Do you think she'll do it? Fuck yeah. Can you imagine Lindsay Lohan as your mom and fucking the dude from Jackass, Steve-O, as your dad? Do you think she can get pregnant? No. She's probably so broken up.

Like you said, we just saw that she was 24. I thought for sure she was like over 30. I forgot all about her being a young ass. Just from looking at her, right? Yeah. I don't know. It's hard action, man.

That chick's out there doing it every night. Yeah. You're the one that told me that she got a tooth pulled just so she could get back on Vicodin? Well, yeah. Supposedly when she got that scram bracelet on or whatever it's called, that she immediately had a dentist appointment like the next day that was supposedly prior to this, whatever. And she had like a tooth pulled or she had something that she had done. But it was like, oh, now she's allowed to have Vicodin. That's really nice for her.

So she's got this crazy bracelet on that says she has to stay sober. And the dentist gives her Vicodin. First of all, she don't need to get fucking Vicodin. I've had teeth pulled. I've had shit happen. You just deal with it. It's not that bad.

I have a knee surgery. I've had shit happen. Right. You just deal with it. It's not that bad. I have a knee surgery. I didn't take pain medication. I took Vicodin when I had my first ACL reconstruction. It made me feel so stupid. It just made me feel so dumb. And I sold them to some dude at the pool hall. This dude named Jeff. You did not do that.

Yes, I did. You did not sell them. I sold them to my friend Jeff. And Jeff sold them all throughout the pool hall. People gobble those Viconins up. They love them. I had a friend who was a guitarist. He used to say that it made him more creative.

What? Yeah. That's the opposite effect it does to me. To me, it makes me feel fucking useless and dumb. That's all it does. Yeah, but I think everybody's brain is working differently, man. I mean, slightly. I think we all have different levels of different chemicals.

His music was probably fucking retarded then. No, he was a classical guitarist. He was really good. He was like, you know, he wouldn't like competitions and shit. It was fucking badass. Worst song ever competition? No, man. He would play songs that already existed.

You know, like Spanish flamenca songs, that kind of shit. He's a brilliant guitarist. And he said we would take vicodins it would make him more creative i don't know but you know everybody's brains he's a a fucking crazy dude he was a former taekwondo champion my friend dimitri and he was a big fucking burly manly giant dude from the ukraine you know his family's a bunch of fucking savages a bunch of russian fucking animals and maybe the vikadin just helped calm his inner monkey enough so that he could you know he could tune into his creative spirit better you know yeah everyone's different right this this dude's the only dude that i've ever talked to that said vikadin's made him creative

that's that could easily have been it you. Everybody's got their own fucking thing, man. How many people have you come across where you go, this guy's just broken. His brain's just not wired right. His body's not wired right. He got the wrong levels of all kinds of shit when he was in the womb. Totally.

Poor Lindsey. That's our message for Lindsey. Hang in there, girl. You are going to get out in three months, and I think that's when Lil Wayne gets out, too, and you can get together and make a fucking badass CD. How about that? As Brock says, put some underwear on.

How about if Lindsay starts fucking rapping while she's in the pokey and comes out like some badass bitch rapper? Dude, she's going to get fucking laid so much. She's probably going to love it. In jail? Who's going to fuck her in jail? Chicks? Dude, she's in heaven. She's going to come out with...

Is she a lesbian? Hell yeah, she is. How do you know this? Well, she used to date Samantha Ronson or whatever her name is. Who's Samantha Ronson? A really sweet DJ. You know DJs?

I know Sam Ronson. I know one DJ, and I don't know why I know him, because everybody always talks about that guy Tiesto. Craig Borsari, one of the dudes who works for the UFC. I think he was the one who was telling me about this. The guy sells out these gigantic fucking stadiums.

Might have been Craig. I'm not sure. But he's like this huge, huge, huge fucking DJ where he sells out just gigantic events all over the world, man. They come to see this guy do DJ and he makes his own electronic music. That's huge. I love it. But how do you know? How do you find out about these guys? I used to do

MySpace, but now Pandora. Pandora. Poor MySpace. If you want to start off slow, just put in Fatboy Slim and then make a radio station based off that or something like that. Yeah, we talked about this. Pandora is pretty badass. I like the idea. Creating your own radio station.

That's good stuff so brock brock lesnar and shane carwin that was crazy brian was there yeah on the floor amazing what a i'm so glad they didn't stop it man oh yeah brock is one of those people that they don't have to worry about stopping it's going to take a few trains to really stop the guy. A few trains? I mean, trains to the head. But I mean, they didn't stop it, so I was happy. I was so scared they were going to stop it.

Yeah, well, you know, it looked like they were going to stop it. I mean, he was just covering up and Shane Carman was bombing on him and props to referee Josh Rosenthal because if it wasn't for Josh Rosenthal, someone easily could have pulled the trigger earlier. There's a few guys that I wouldn't have trusted in that situation, but Josh saw that he was okay, he was going to get through it,

and he saw that Shane's punches were coming slower and slower, and Shane, unfortunately, just blew his wad. He had an adrenaline dump, I'm sure, the excitement of the fact that he had the champ hurt on his back and that he was on top. And he's like, this is over. This fucking thing's over. And he's pounding him and pounding him and pounding him.

And then all of a sudden he's like, fuck, there's two minutes left to go in this round, you know? And then he's got to keep going. And by the end of those two minutes, there was nothing left. He got back to his corner and literally could barely get up.

His legs were barely walking and, and, and he was fucked. He said his, his legs seized up and he said he just went out there and he tried to do whatever he could but his body just was not responding. He just completely adrenaline dumped and completely blew out all of his energy.

But goddamn, does he hit him hard before that. Holy shit, that fucking Shane Carwin can punch. He hits so hard. He's so big. But I think he's too big. I think maybe like,

because he had to lose like 17 pounds to make 265. So he's so big but i think he's too big i think maybe like because he he had to lose like 17 pounds to make uh 265 so he's you know walking in like like somewhere around 280 ish you know on the day of the fight so i think that might be too big for his frame you know i think maybe he might be better off if he was like 250 you know just a little a little lighter, but with more endurance, his punches are still going to be ridiculously powerful. Nobody could stand up to the way that guy hits his punches. He'll still be ridiculously powerful, but he'll have a little bit more cardio. You know, Brock is just physically a bigger guy, man. Brock, Brock really has a 270 pound man's body. I mean, he's so wide. He's just a big giant freak. Carlin's not as wide, you know, he's still big as

fuck, a big giant hands and shit. But, wide you know he's still big as fuck got big giant hands and shit but you know i think brock maybe can carry a little bit more weight naturally than shane can these guys when they when they train really hard with weights and and power lifting and shit like that yeah it makes you stronger it gives you a lot more muscle and that muscle's got to get fed it's got to get fed by blood but god damn it was exciting as fuck before it was over how do you still have his mouthpiece have you yeah i got brock lesnar's mouth you put in yet tasted the tasted the taste of a warrior it's right over there um he stuck it in my pocket

after it was over i said i'm gonna sell that shit on ebay but i'm just gonna hang out to it yeah that's cool fucking i'm a fan it's a trivia moment plus it was a what a comeback when he came out for that second round his hands were up high and like you know you just knew like this motherfucker's not going away he got hit with some bombs and he was still there and still in really good shape and that was really the big difference he took shane down got in shane's half guard passed got on top of him got him in an arm triangle and put him to sleep, it was fucking sweet or put him to tap he would have gone to sleep, he really cranked it tight and Brock is so gigantic

you see, they also call it a side choke there's two different versions of it, there's one like this, you do it like this and that's why it's called an arm triangle, but the way Brock did it, I think he did it with a gable grip where you do it like this, where it's really more of a side choke, but Brock is so big and so fucking strong, that when he just crushes down like that like you really don't have any

options man you're gonna go to sleep he's just got much too much power he's just gonna crush that whole area between your arm and your neck and everything's gonna get smushed and there's not gonna be any air that was one of the best ufcs i think in a long time right yeah it was dude i was standing up during the Lesnar fight. It was so exciting, I couldn't fucking sit down. I stood up. That's awesome. When Carwin hit him and he went to the ground,

it was like, it was the whole thing. There was so much energy in the arena. It was so unbelievable. And then when Brock took him down at the end, it was like, the whole thing was just so, and then when he tapped, like, it was just fucking craziness, man. There was so much energy.

I stood up like three or four times. I don't do that, man. That's the only fight I've ever had to stand up in the middle of it because it was so crazy. As far as like sheer entertainment value, what a fucking fight. There was a bunch of sheer entertainment value fights that were just off the charts. Like Lieben and Akiyama. Holy shit. Dude, that was crazy man god for sheer entertainment that fight was better than any fucking movie that's ever been made has there ever been any photos of his face since then uh lieben yeah dude

lieben's probably fine it probably looks today like nobody hit him really yeah he's tough as fuck damn he can take a shot, dude. He got nailed. His legs went rubbery. He bounces backwards for a second and then starts walking forwards again like a fucking zombie. It was incredible. He was literally right out of 28 Days Later. It was fucking crazy. He can take bombs, man.

He takes them right on the chin and keeps going. The only person that's been able to put him away is Anderson. Anderson is just way too fast, way too technical, way too fluid, just way too gifted. Anderson is just on another level. But for a lot of other people, man, it's like Arturo Gatti couldn't fight with Floyd Mayweather. He got in there with Floyd Mayweather.

He just couldn't compete. He couldn't compete with the style. He couldn't compete with the technical superiority, the speed, the reflexes, the training. Everything was superior, and he just got lit up. But when he fought someone like Mickey Ward, who was in his range, he put on some of the most incredible fights ever. It's just a matter of getting him the right opponent. And Liebman keeps getting better and better. You know, he's like, you know, he's beating like high-level guys. You know, Aaron Simpson, the guy who beat before he beat this guy, is a bad motherfucker, man.

Aaron's a serious fucking wrestler. Strong as shit. Incredible endurance. I mean, he's just, his fight with Tom Lawler, he got nailed from pillar to post in that first round. And then the second round, he came back and he fucking started taking Lawler down. And in the third round, he came back and won that round too and wound up getting the decision when it looked like he was a dead man in the first round. He was getting battered.

So this guy's tough as fuck. So when Lieben put him away, it was like, wow. Like, that's strong. That's a strong statement. You know? And then the next fight, to go right from that, two weeks later to fight Akiyama. You know? And Akiyama is a fucking bad dude, man. Knocked out Dennis Kang.

He's fast as fuck. Awesome judo. Real solid grappler, you know? He's a good dude. So Lieben, two fucking sweet wins in a row and how about that christoph susansky stephan bonner fight oh that was probably one of my that that's my second favorite of the night dude that was amazing just attacked like a man possessed yeah that was awesome he knew that like it was do or die time he had lost to coleman he had you know had the the fight with susansky

like he was fighting. Look, that guy will always have a home in the UFC because he's a part of the biggest fight in the history of the sport. The most important fight. The fight that got everybody to pay attention. The fight with him and Stefan Bonner when they were on Spike TV, when it was the finals of the Ultimate Fighter, the very first season. People were, so many people were tuning in while the fight was on that I think the amount of people viewing the fight, by the time the first fight of the card started to Stephan Bonner and Forrest Griffin,

Forrest Griffin's fight, it doubled, tripled, quadrupled. At one point in time, some insane number, like 6 to 10 million they estimated. I forget what it was. But something crazy was watching that fight. Well, nobody was watching Spike TV before that. Just people were calling their friends, and they were like, dude, you've got to fucking turn this on.

Turn on channel, whatever it is. These two guys are beating the shit out of each other. And Forrest Griffin and Stephen Bonner had like a movie fight. It wasn't even real. It was like a goddamn every which way but loose Clint Eastwood movie. It was him fighting Tank Murdoch. They beat each other all over the fucking place and kept coming. They just went after each other for 15 solid minutes.

Nobody backed down for a second. So he'll always have a strong place in the organization. They'll always have love for that dude. But he also knew that he wants to be back in the heat at 205. He wants to be fighting up to his potential and he knows he's had some good outings and some not so good outings the john jones fight was a tough loss he had three tough losses in a row so he stepped in like a fucking wild man fought like his life was on the line i was actually surprised to see him back since you know

that last one yeah but i'm glad because i always like that guy well you know he got he got um through when coleman got cut man coleman fought couture he got cut but right before coleman beat couture or lost to couture rather he beat bonner you know so are you surprised that like kimbo was not given an extra shot or yes and no i see the point you know, if he wasn't Kimbo, you would have to cut him. Matt Mitrione beat him down, and it didn't look like he was in the right kind of condition. It looks like he got really tired. His technical prowess wasn't up to the level of Mitrione. Mitrione improved much more from his time on The Ultimate Fighter.

And you also have to wonder about Kimbo's body. Kimbo had some real knee problems on the show, and the knee problems that he problems on the show and the knee problems that he had on the show, they weren't like fixable things. It's like bone on bone type shit. Like he's worn out the cartilage in one of his knees, which means you can't train as hard. You can't sprawl and you can't, you know, do the kind of wrestling training that you need. You can't get your legs kicked the way you kind of need to get kicked. You know, he's got like a pretty serious problem. That problem kept him from fighting in the main event

or getting another shot at getting back in the heat of the show. Remember? He got eliminated, and then they offered it to him. They offered him a fight, and he passed on the fight because of his knee. That's not something that gets better. So it's like unless he's got some sort of a cartilage replacement surgery or I don't know what they're even able to do these days, he's got a problem with that knee,

and that knee is going to keep him from being able to train the way a GSP trains or a Tiago Alves trains or any of the killers. So it's, you know, I don't know. I think you can still make a lot of money off the guy, and the guy still wants a fight. I look at it as like Butterbean. Remember when Butterbean was king of the four-rounders? It doesn't mean you don't use Butterbean on your card

just because he's not going to beat Larry Holmes get Butterbean out there, fuck it put him out there it's still entertaining it's like Chris Lieben Chris Lieben is battling it out with the best in the world he's beating Akiyama

he's starting to move up in the chain but the end of the rainbow for him is always going to be Anderson Silva. Anderson, I mean, look, anybody can beat anybody on any given day. Zig when you shoot a zag, you run into one of Chris Lieben's punches, you could be in a lot of trouble. But technically, the two are so far apart. Anderson is in such a different level athletically, His ease of movement. It's just like, what do you do? You're not going to cut Lieben.

Why would you cut him? He's one of the most entertaining fighters in the world. So even if he can't beat Anderson, you've got to keep him around. Even if he can never beat the best guy in the world, which I'm not saying he can't. You never fucking know. He's improving and shit happens and weirder things have taken place in this world.

But even if he doesn't, if he can never beat anderson he should still be around because he's awesome you know he's fucking fun as shit to watch so i think that about kimbo too i think kimbo's fun to watch and even though he's not like at the level that you know a genie dos santos is or kane velasquez is he's not at that level i mean you just got to match him correctly just just accept the fact that this guy is never going to be a title contender. And even though that's not really what the UFC is all about, the UFC is the very best guys fighting the very best guys.

It doesn't maybe hurt throwing a young gun in there with a gatekeeper. Make Kimbo a gatekeeper. Make him a guy that you test young guys with. I think that makes it kind of interesting. As long as Kimbo wants to keep doing it and if he keeps losing and then gets to a point where nobody wants to see him anymore then maybe stop using him give him a chance though

what do you think Dana White would say about having a UFC bar that was just in the middle there was an octagon and every night you just go there and there's just people fighting constantly he couldn't do that he couldn't have that many people fighting no? no, it would be too hard to sanction it just people fighting constantly. He couldn't do that. He couldn't have that many people fighting. No? No.

It would be too hard to sanction it. It would be too hard to ensure that everybody had their proper medicals. It would be too hard to find qualified fighters because they can't fight. I mean, Lieben fought Aaron Simpson, and then two weeks later he fought Akiyama. Very unusual. For most people, there's a few months off in between fights, and a lot of that is because you get beat up and you've got to relax and rest and heal up. If you have any injuries, they have to be fixed. Some guys break their hands.

Some guys pull ligaments. They have to get operations. Shogun just got an operation on his knee. Can you imagine, though, if they did that in Vegas or something like that? I think a better bar solution, since the UFC has this gigantic library of 116 events, the best idea is to serve good food, have a cool bar

and have the UFC playing on all these different fucking televisions a steak bar with UFC everywhere and then during live shows they have like huge movie theaters or they have it on every goddamn TV in the room during a live show they have it on every goddamn TV in the room and you have to pay 20 bucks to get in

or whatever it is. God damn, they would clean the fuck up. We're going to the UFC bar. There's a cool thing about watching it live. I love watching fights live because it's crazy and you're right there when it's going down. The experience is nothing like

anything you've ever had before. If your seats are good. But if your seats aren't that good, if you're in the bleach you know it's kind of cool being there still but it's pretty fucking badass to go to a place with a bunch of other people and watch it on tv you know like having a ufc bar where people you know if you can't afford to go to vegas you know you're living in another city everybody all your friends are going to go to the ufc bar and watch the fight totally i think it would be for MMA fans alone and everything. I think Dana could have his own little menu, like Dana's Desserts, Brock's Burgers.

Dana's Desserts. Pinkberry. Joe Rogan's ravioli. Ravioli. Why do I have ravioli? Because you're a tie. Hey. Hey.

Quiz by Ravioli. That would work. That would work. But having live fights, I don't think that would work. I think that would be a little too much. Yeah, but seriously. They have UFC gyms now. Yeah, I'm sure that's doing good too.

I don't know. I don't know anything about it. Pretty crazy. Some dude Facebooked me from a UFC gym. He's like, I'm the manager of a UFC gym. If you're ever in town and you want to work out, I'm like, all right, buddy. I think that sounds like a great idea. Fucking do some squats at your UFC gym. If you're ever in town and you want to work out, I'm like, all right, buddy. I think that sounds like a great idea.

Fucking do some squats at your UFC gym. Take a goddamn Taibo class. Right. I wonder what kind of classes they're going to have. What kind of liability do you have if you let dudes actually beat the shit out of each other? I know. Because if you have sparring,

the bottom line is you're not going through extensive medicals when you have sparring. When dudes spar in kickboxing classes, I've never taken a blood test. I've never taken a fucking CAT scan. I've never taken shit. But that's like any workout, any gym has to probably have. Just sign here.

We're not responsible. Good. Dude, you don't even sign anything. At boxing gyms, most of them, you don't sign shit. Damn. The places I've worked out on, they'll just slap gloves on you, and you climb in the ring with another dude that you don't even know, and you say, okay, just go easy. you and you climb in the ring with another dude that you don't even know and you say, you know, okay, so, you know, just go easy.

Go easy. Let me see what you can do. And you're fucking throwing punches with some dude that you don't even know. And, you know, who knows? Most of the time dudes are cool, but every now and then dudes will try to take your head off. They don't know. You might have an aneurysm just ready to pop right behind your eyeball and he touches you

in the chin, your legs go, you fall, you hit your head on the back of the mat and that thing bursts and just fills your eyeballs with blood and you fucking die right there. That's possible. I need to go to the... When I went to get my eyes checked a while back, they were like, there's something in the back of your eye. It's probably nothing, but you should take it to a doctor. And I'm like, ah, fuck you. Oh, you've got a brain tumor. I know.

That was like 10 years ago, though. I would know it right now. You've got to smoke a lot of weed and lose weight. Yeah. And eat a lot of vegetables. 15 pounds today. Drink my kombucha, too. You've got to smoke a lot of weed and lose weight. Yeah. And eat a lot of vegetables. 15 pounds today. Drink my kombucha, too. You've lost 15 pounds over the course of how long? Since the 18th of June. That's a lot of weight.

How the fuck are you losing that much weight? Crack, cigarettes, hookers. Now, I've modified the Weight Watcher diet. Modified, meaning you've taken less calories. Well, Weight Watchers is you have this many points. You use them based on, and this is the food. Like an orange is two points. You know, a sandwich is six points, whatever.

So what I've been doing is doing the Weight Watcher diet, but only eating zero to one point shit. So mostly vegetables, mostly protein. Do you eat like little small meals to keep like your metabolism going? I eat small meals throughout the day. That's the little diet. But it's all 1.0 point shit. I'm not going anywhere close to my allowed 35 points a day. I'm probably doing 7. 7 points a day?

Yeah. You're like a little chick. That's just like chicken. You're like a goddamn chick, bro. You're like Lindsay Lohan. You're starving yourself to death. Totally. That's great.

But I'm making sure I'm getting all the nutrients and proteins and all that stuff you know since i've known brian just for uh fyi since i've known why is your phone on that's not me is it or alerts you're getting alerts since i've known brian he's done this like five times where he got heavy and then he got skinny he got heavy yo yo dieting is one of the safest ways to to-jiviate your life. Long-jiviate? He went from, you were up at like, what was the heaviest you were ever at? 243. 243.

And by the way, he's, how tall are you? 5'8". 5'8". Okay, 243. That's giant. He was a fat guy. Like his legs used to touch together in the middle. He had to wear crazy pants.

His pants were always way too long to wear crazy pants his pants were always way too long because his waist and his butt were way too big for pants that were that long because that's just so they had he had his pants were like always like shuffling and then this guy got dumped by his girlfriend and went fiance fiance sorry it's much more devastating than just a girlfriend right seven years they were together for a long time. It was very devastating. And he went on a goddamn Weight Watcher elliptical machine rampage. And over the course of how long? Three months.

You lost like 70 pounds, right? I was 163 was the lowest I got. Then I decided to stop. And that was in three months? Yeah. That's so unhealthy. That's so unhealthy, dude. You basically starved yourself.

Do you have pictures of yourself when you were that skinny? Yeah. Do you have anything that would shock the people at home? Yeah, I do, actually. I have something really disturbing. Pull that up so I can take a look at that because it was really strange. It turns out Brian has a weird head. We just don't know because it's always like it's always like embraced in a role of

soft tissue and you don't get to see the true shape of his head but when you just see skinny brian skinny brian is a strange dude i don't even know what nationality he is he looks like he's a fucking alien i'll find it we're skinny brian What we got to do is we got to make your neck build up to match your head. It's very important. You can have a big head as long as you have a big neck to support that big head. But you got a big head, son, and you don't have a big neck. And that shit looks strange. Well, that's because...

That's because your head is used to your body being gigantic. So what you got to do is you got to build your neck up. You know, that's one of the most popular things in hollywood though for actors to have neck exercises they want you to have a big head what is that about uh it's i don't know it's a thing where maybe it's a more more brains thing but it can't be true because i know some people with big heads are stupid as fuck here's a picture of me me holding my old pants up. Wow. Well, this is not helping the people at home. No.

No, I'm going to find a better one, and I'll post it on my Twitter later today. Well, when you do, I'll retweet it, because I know people are fucking excited to see what you look like when you look strange. There's one picture I have that's just so scary. But what was interesting is when you went from being a fat guy to a skinny guy, you also found out that you're attractive. And you started getting girls. Girls were liking you, man. It was like, you know, chicks should be into Brian. And Brian was like, wow, this is crazy. Look at what this is like.

Well, then what happens? Then I settle in. Then you get a girlfriend. I get a girlfriend. I gain it all back. You never gained it all back. No, I didn't. I'm probably 195 right now.

195. Wow. So at least you're still 40-whatever pounds away from what you were. Right. I don't want to get back to 165. That was way too low. I looked like I had AIDS. No, you didn't.

I thought I did. You just looked like what you're supposed to look like, dude. You're just so used to you see yourself gigantic. You did not look like you had't. I thought I did. You just looked like what you're supposed to look like, dude. You're just so used to seeing yourself gigantic. You did not look like you had AIDS. I swear. You never looked like scary skinning. You never did. It looked weird because all of a sudden you were this tiny person.

You know? That's you. Isn't that ridiculous? I thought it was. That looks like a healthy person. Really? I hate to say that, but that looks like a healthy person. Your problem is your head's too big for your body.

You've got to start working out. If you if you start working out dude you'd be a sexy bitch right there you're looking sexy as fuck yeah there's a dude that i know that has the tiniest head and it always trips me out whenever i talk to him he has it backwards he has the tiniest head ever he has a very small head and all i can think of when i'm next to him is what it'd be like to punch him in his little tiny head. I mean, I don't want to do it and I would never do it, but I just think, man, if you punch this guy, and not even me,

if a person did punch this guy in his tiny little head, you could just crush his head. He's got a bird head. That's weird. I'd rather have a way big two head. Way big two? Way big two. Filled with smarts.

My fucking stupid head is smart as fuck. Yeah. So, your, that's another skinny photo, Brian. That's crazy. We'll put these up on Twitter. I'm telling you, dude, that looks healthy. I think I look like a gay lesbian right now. Brian, that's what you look like, goddammit.

You're a gay lesbian. Underneath it all. That's what you look like when you're thin. That's a gay lesbian. Underneath it all, that's what you look like when you're thin. That's hilarious, but I don't want to be a gay lesbian. But how come you can't stay the same way? Don't you monitor your weight and you see it go up? What do you do? What's the process?

When you see it going up, what keeps you from just recognizing that and cutting back on your food? Well, it's not even a cutback on food. I have the metabolism of a small goat where I eat... Small goats are skinny as fuck, dude. What are you talking about? They're lean.

That's a terrible example. I meant it backwards. You have a metabolism of a fat person. Yeah. I mean, I fucking eat like two pieces of pizza. I'll gain it.

So if you just gave up and just were a sedentary fuck and had a normal nine-to-five job, we ate shit at the office and ate shit for lunch and then you came home and you were too tired to work and you ate and then watch tv you just be a giant fat huge i'd be crazy huge i wonder how many my grandmother was like 600 pounds on my dad's side

really yeah she was humongous diabetes everything that's scary yeah my dad said yeah i wonder how many dudes who are like that have like a hormonal imbalance a thyroid imbalance or something that could be corrected well it's so well i got mine checked and supposedly i'm supposedly fine whatever the thyroid's fine yeah but i mean check your testosterone no i don't it's no non-detective i saw this uh not saw i was listening to um uh serious satellite radio the other day and one of the things they were saying about guys who gain a lot of weight is a lot of times

it's just some sort of a hormone imbalance and that it's maybe a testosterone imbalance. They could cure it with like some cream. Yeah, but wouldn't I just get

more hairier? I don't need that anymore in my life. Listen, bitch, what are you going to take? Hair and have some fucking energy and not become fat immediately?

I should get that checked, honestly, because I bet you I'm fucking... Are you tired all the time? I'm tired from when I wake up. I wake up in the morning, I'm tired. Guarantee you, and especially because you don't do anything that forces your body to produce it. You're not involved in any heavy lifting or anything. You know, I think that's one of the most

important things when you're maintaining your health as you get older. You have to do strength training. You have to do training that makes your body constantly regenerate tissue, keep your glands pumping. What did you say? When I wake up, I really feel tired. I never have woken up and been like, wow, that's good. You might have sleep apnea too, man.

I probably have that. Do you snore? Yeah. Chicks tell you you snore? Yep. Do you ever gag in your sleep? No, I don't do that though. Well, you should get tested, man.

I got a new mouthpiece that I started wearing because I got diagnosed with sleep apnea a few years ago. And when the doctor created this mouthpiece, this guy, Dr. Kropian in Tarzana, he created a mouthpiece that keeps your tongue down. The problem is I have a big tongue and my neck is big from working out all the time

and my hole that I have in the back of my throat is not so big. And so when I lie down, my tongue falls back as I relax and covers over the fucking hole. And I gag and cough. Like a lot of times it's fat people. Fat people have it. But athletes have it a lot too. Anybody who has like a big neck, if you have a big tongue, it's probably going to happen to you.

So this mouthpiece kind of keeps your tongue down. Well, he just invented a new one. I just started using this new one. Dude, it's incredible. I wake up. I feel so fucking rested. Mrs. Rogan says new one. Dude, it's incredible. I wake up, I feel so fucking rested. Mrs. Rogan says I don't snore at all anymore. And I feel so much better. And my dreams are super vivid, man. My dreams are really intense. They're really like very, very lifelike

to the point where sometimes my alarm goes off in mid dream. And I'm like, wow, that was a dream because it's not even they're not even like crazy dreams. Their dreams like life dreams. It'm like, wow, that was a dream? Because it's not even, they're not even like crazy dreams. They're dreams like life dreams. It's like, you know, it's very strange. They don't have a dream-like feel to them. They feel like I dropped another level below in my depth of my sleeping, you know? And so I'm having these,

maybe I'm reaching a REM level that I wasn't reaching before because I was snoring all the time. Wow. I would choke and I have this sleep apnea problem because I was snoring all the time. Wow. Because I would choke and I have this sleep apnea problem. Because even the mouthpiece didn't totally cure it. It definitely made it better.

Right. But I still snored. This new one, I don't snore at all. Is that a picture of you and Jenna Jameson? Yeah. When she was. What? We were in Arizona.

Yeah. So what's the goal now? You're at 195 and what's your goal? Trying to get to 165. Yeah. You should get your hormones checked out, son. You might have problems. I should. You know, they can, you can do things to cure it, but one of the things that works is squats. Squats and, you know, heavy lifting makes your body produce more testosterone, makes your body produce more growth hormone. It's very good for you. But you've got to not be a pussy. You've got to actually do them.

You don't seem like the type of dude that's really into straining and doing squats. I just seem like the energy I have per day is so small that to me... Is that how you look at it? Yeah. I feel like I'm barely trying not to go back to sleep.

Damn, dude. You really need to get yourself checked out. What if you have a real issue? I probably do, but if I've had it, I've had it my whole life. If I've had it. What do you think? I don't know.

What? I don't know. I still don't know. I still don't know. Goddamn kids, get off my lawn. We haven't looked at the questions on Twitter in forever. Oh, here's the other thing that I did last week that I forgot. I accidentally gave my phone number out on Twitter.

Yeah. What's going on with that? I fucked up royally. I gave my phone number out. I gave it to Doug Benson because Doug was going to come to Vegas this weekend, and he wanted to come hang out with us at the House of Blues. And I said, yeah, man. I said, I can even get you into the UFC.

Here's my phone number. Call me. And I put it in the main Twitter box instead of the direct message box. I thought I was sending a direct message. So I tweeted my fucking number to the whole world. So I was like, God damn it. And then it just started vibrating and vibrating and the calls were just coming in. Like they, they never stopped. It was like one after the other. Cause you know, when you have, I've got 130 something thousand Twitter friends and

who knows how many 10, maybe 10,000 might've seen it. I tried to delete it, but it was too late. It was out there. And so then as I was driving to the Verizon store to go change my number, I just started answering phone calls. I'm like, what's up? Is this Joe Rogan? I'm like, yeah, man. What's going on? What are you doing? I'm like, I'm on my way to the Verizon store. I'm just turning in my phone.

I would answer it here for you guys and show you, but I have Verizon, and Verizon doesn't work here where I live. But I did it all weekend. I just kept it as a fan line. You did act very nice, though. You could have told all those morons who called you and ruined your phone number. You could have just posted all those online and fucked them. But you were nice about it.

You took the high road. Well, what are they doing? They're just, look, I fucked up. It's out there. Right. You're not going to take it away. It's not like everyone's going to be so cool that no one's going to call you on that number. Wouldn't that be great, though, if everyone was cool?

No, because some of the people just wanted to call to say hi. Why not? If you were 18 years old and you were a fan of some dude, and all of a sudden he's got his phone number online, and you call him and he actually answers, like, holy shit. That's most of the calls. Most of the calls were people saying, holy shit. And they were all cool. What do you think about Fedor losing?

Is he out of the UFC, man? Is he never going to bring him in now? I had all these conversations about fucking, I had conversations about comedy. I had conversations about MMA. I had a bunch of different conversations about all kinds of shit. And I was like, I'm going to keep this phone. Fuck it. So I kept it as a fan line.

If you want to call it, I really do answer it. Not all the time, but I pick it up every now and then. 818-517-2774. That's my phone number. That's my fan line now that's so weird that you just said that I know it's the real number right like shit he's giving out the real number

but I thought that would be kind of cooler too to actually give out the real number instead of getting another number and making it my fan line it's like actually kind of cool that you actually have my real number I mean that's like my legit number that I've had for fucking a decade right so that's my number and that's the deal.

This weekend, I am going to be at the Ontario Improv with the one and only Joey Coco Diaz, and that's going to be a lot of fun. Ontario is a badass club. It's selling out quickly, so if you want to get in, I know a lot of people got shut out in Irvine. I talked to a lot of people that were disappointed, and I'm sorry you didn't get in, I know a lot of people got shut out in Irvine. I talked to a lot of people that were disappointed, and I'm sorry you didn't get in.

But, you know, these clubs, they only seat like 300 people. So if you want to come to a show, especially like the Fridays shows and the Saturday shows, you know, Sunday sometimes is a little easier because you've got less people out doing things. But Friday and Saturday, those fucking tickets sell quick. Irvine was awesome. Irvine last weekend, every show sold out. Every show was cool those fucking tickets sell quick. Irvine was awesome. Irvine last weekend,

every show sold out, every show was cool, people were cool as fuck, it was awesome. And then House of Blues was awesome too. Although I did get a tad too drunk, just a touch. Yeah, what happened?

One shot over the line, not too bad. Because I didn't actually... No, nothing. It was nothing bad. The show was great, but I definitely got too drunk. And I told the second half of a joke twice, but it was because I didn't tell the first half of it right the first time so i tried to

like redo it and then i and then i realized as i was saying it i was like i already said this doesn't that does that suck to you it does but i just admit it do you admit it like immediately you just stop and admit it i just said what happened you know and eddie eddie's the one pointed out i go yeah i know but i did it because I fucked up this part of it. But it's not a good enough answer. The answer really is, I was drunk. That's the answer. I mean, I'm saying what I did wrong, but the only reason why I did it again is because I was drunk.

I didn't have anything to eat, and I had like three shots in a row on stage, which is two shots too many. But still, it was still a fun, fucking fun, like, really happy crowd crowd they were cool sam trippley was hilarious yeah sam was awesome he he crushed it that was really good yeah that place could go either way you know sometimes ufc nights that place is you know the house of blues is just a

mad house but we fixed it we fixed it we fixed it when we got rid of the standing only that changed the vibe of it so much because people were uncomfortable before, and you felt that uncomfort from them because of the fact that they had to stand and watch a show. And I made a lot more money then on those shows, but I don't care. I don't want people to stand up.

I think it sucks. When we saw Stand Up, when we saw Stand Hope, rather, that shit cured me. No more stand-up shows. I'll never make someone pay to see me stand up ever again and we fucked up in memphis joey and i did a show in memphis and it had to be stand up because it was a really tiny place and if it wasn't stand i would only seated like a hundred people and all these people were standing up by the bar so half the crowd was standing and they

were all talking at full voice like bar voice voice. No one was paying attention to the show. When Joey went on stage, no one was. It was like maybe 10% of the people in the bar weren't talking. It was just a low rumble. And then it was like, okay, this is the final straw. I'll never have a standing room show ever. It's not fun to watch, man. The part of what is good about a show is you can kick back and relax.

What would be awesome is if every fucking place you went had real comfortable seats. You know, if you could sit on a couch like this, if that's how you watched every comedy show, you know, kicking back and chilling on a couch, how fucking, it would be way funnier. Because you'd be feeling relaxed. You'd have no tension. It's like you're more likely to laugh at shit. When you're standing, your fucking feet hurt. That sucks.

The first person I ever heard say that was Jimmy Norton. And I heard Jimmy talking about it. He was promoting one of his shows. And he was talking about people were calling in and saying that they heard there were standing tickets in the back. And Jimmy was like, no, no, no. My show is a standing show. And I was like, wow, he's real adamant about about that but i didn't think it was that big of a deal i'm like well maybe he's just you know he's more rigid with his style or something and he wants to

make it like that but then i you know i realized that that's the right thing to do those standing shows those stand help shows i mean they're fun and everything but it's not as fun yeah to me i don't know it was my age or what. The whole time I'm just focusing on the pain of my standing, like how uncomfortable it was. It's not an age thing, man. I didn't like standing up with a concrete floor when I was 10. Yeah.

It doesn't feel good. When I worked at Gateway, I had to do it eight hours, and you weren't allowed to sit down eight hours a day. So you would find the thickest shoes, and then you put the best inserts in. That shit's not good for you. Oh, it's not. You know, your body's supposed to be moving around, too.

Because when I do stand-up and I'm on stage for an hour and a half or whatever I'm on for, I'm never hurt. I feel fine. I get off. I feel energized. But standing in one place and not moving at all for an hour and a half, that sucks. That's terrible. You're carrying your weight. You don't even think about it, but you're not even

moving. You don't even get blood flowing through it. And you're right next to other people. So you can't stretch your arms out and move your body and touch your toes and shit. If you don't do that, man, your body feels like shit. I think it's very important. That's one of the reasons why I don't like doing comedy

too much in bars anymore. I don't like, I'll do it every now and then just for a goof, just to experience something different, get a different taste of comedy. I'll do like a little, one of those shitty little Hollywood gigs every now and again. But I think it's very important, the right atmosphere has to be set. The same atmosphere that's good for music is not the same atmosphere that's good for comedy. Music, you could go up and people could be talking like how's everybody doing out there and then you play your song man you don't you don't require their attention a hundred percent their their complete interaction you don't require that you don't require a response

a definite response you know from them comedy though it's tricky tricky. Setting up the atmosphere is so tricky. That's why it's important. I always go on the road with dudes who I think are funny. I always go on the road with friends. It's so important. The worst thing you could ever do is go on the road, and a guy opens for you, and the guy fucking sucks. He doesn't just suck.

He sucks aggressively, and it's bad material, and it's badly done. It's like bad material and it's like badly done and it's like the totally different crowd that you would have you know that he would have normally too yeah most of them would never have a crowd at all yeah the really bad ones yeah and i've been one of those really bad ones by the way i'm not shitting on them i mean it's part of the development process you know i'm writing this book that i'm writing about a lot of my early comedy days it's making me rehash like old uh bombing uh stories that i forgot of like terrible fucking disastrous tales of the road and uh they're fucking crazy you know but a lot of it was just because i sucked i was just terrible i didn't know how to relax back then i didn't know

how to do comedy yet i was really just fucking feeling it out which is fine and good you know and it's a thing you have to go through but i don't want people going through it before i get up on stage because if they do it right before you it's like it taints the whole room it's like someone just came on stage and just shit into their minds you know and then you're forced to like clean everything up and start from scratch you know it's you have to like do damage control you know yeah it's so weird it uh this uh comic i know he's uh i think 20 years old and uh he's just the nicest guy little kid ever you know he's always and he's always you know asking for advice to like ari and me and stuff like that just this really nice guy and he's just you i can't tell him how just how nice this guy is.

Did you fuck him? What did he say? No, no, no. Well, he just told me the other day that he's going to be like lead role in like a real movie now. Wow. And he's going to go from this nice little open mic young kid. Now he's going to be like lead role in a movie. It's a big movie or is it an independent movie? Well, I think it's a big movie.

Wow. What it is, it's supposed to be like Cloverfield. I think it's a big movie. Wow. What it is, it's supposed to be like Cloverfield, but it's at a party with Generation X guys or whatever. And it becomes a monster movie? No, no, no.

How it's recorded. Right. It's got a bunch of people with cell phones and stuff like that. You know what, man? I'm not buying that anymore. I bought that shit with the... I thought it was kind of interesting, the Blair Witch Project, how they did that. I thought that was a good movie. I mean, it was really... For what it was kind of interesting, the Blair Witch Project, how they did that. I thought that was a good movie.

I mean, it was really, like, for what it was. When we saw the Blair Witch Project, the first time I saw it, was we were in Houston, and Chris McGuire and I were working at the Laugh Stop. And this was way back in the day, you know, whenever it came out. And this dude who worked at the movie theater across the street came to the show. And after the show, we're all hanging out and smoking weed. And the dude goes, hey, do you guys want to go watch the Blair Witch Project right now? We can all watch it.

We'll set it up. I got the keys. We'll turn it on. I'm like, get the fuck out of here. Are you serious? He's like, yeah. So it was like a midnight show, OK? So we went over there at 2 o'clock in the morning.

And this dude had the keys, unlocked the place. We got popcorn and shit. And it was just him the dude he worked there a couple other people that worked with him like a guy and a girl and me and chris mcguire it's just five of us and we watched the blair witch project and it was badass yeah it was the perfect way to watch it freaked me the second time i watched it it was terrible did not work not only did it not work there was some dude who brought his baby and this fucking mexican dude and his baby was making all this noise it was like two you know and you know so a bunch of people like shushed him and he got aggressive with the people fuck you bitch don't fucking shush me bitch

and i was like okay now i have to fucking think about this guy and his fucking inconsiderate ways and he's got a baby and people are trying to shush him. And he's fucking yelling at them obscenities and threatening them. I'll fucking kick your ass, bitch, and that kind of shit. So now you've got to think about him for the fucking movie. So it was a bad experience. Yeah, I hate that. I don't really like going to movies anymore.

It's a roll of the dice. Yeah. I mean, especially when nowadays it's like I can get a Blu-ray. I can wait i can wait six months and that the experience at my house now is better than i think going to a movie yeah if you have a nice good size tv and you know you're you got a good size sound system plus i can't have to work i can't do pee breaks yeah i can fucking smoke weed yeah you can have whatever food you want you're gonna have a comfortable couch to watch on it's a way better experience

but people like the event of being out there with other people you know people like that's one of the things people like about a concert you know if fucking ozzy osbourne was playing just to you and it was just you and ozzy alone with his band in a room you probably wouldn't even want to be there right you know he'd be like maybe listen to a song or two you'd be like this is crazy he's looking me in the eyes and singing fucking you know you know, you'd have to look at you. You're the only one there. But if you're, you know, one of 15,000 in an arena, then it's cool. Then it's... Then it's fun. Then it's crazy.

I think movie theaters need to reboot, man. Really? I think they need to stop going, hey, we're charging you $14 for tickets, $8 for a popcorn, $5 for a pop. I think they need to make it... It is kind of fucked that you have to pay that much just to watch it. Whereas if you want to own it, it's like $30 in a few months. Not even that. You can get a Best Buy for $14.99 on DVD.

$12.99 on DVD. Not Blu-ray though, right? Blu-ray. $30. Sometimes opening week or first week, they'll have it on sale for like $17. Yeah, if you watch something on Blu-ray, it's so much better. It's so much more comfortable watching shit at home yeah

I watched The Wolfman the other day again yeah I watched it again I don't even like it it's a terrible movie

but I think it's dope when it's at home yeah when it's at home I like it yeah it's not bad when I saw it in the movie theater I'm like I paid for this

fucking stupid movie this movie's retarded yeah what did I say that was pretty good oh The Crazies The Crazies dude The Crazies it's a good goddamn horror movie really yeah I don't want to tell you movie this movie's retarded yeah what did i say that was pretty good oh the crazies crazy dude

the crazies this good goddamn horror movie really yeah i don't want to tell you the premise because i didn't know a thing about it i'll give you the blu-ray i got it up here oh cool um i didn't know a thing about it i knew nothing but someone had said this is a really scary movie someone twittered it so yeah i'm gonna check it out because i don't know and i love when i don't know anything about a movie i didn't know nothing. I hadn't seen a single preview. I saw a photo with a guy with a pitchfork. That's it.

That's all I knew. So I'm like, okay, some crazy shit, obviously. Guy's killing people with a pitchfork. Great movie. I mean, not the best movie in the world, but a good goddamn horror movie. Good, solid, holy shit horror movie. And I'm like, why wasn't this movie popular? Why didn't this movie go somewhere in the movie theater?

It's pretty fucking good. I didn't hear a thing about it. Did you hear anything about it? I just remember the advertising, how they advertised it. The Last Airbender. I have not seen it. You know why? Because you're not fooling me again, you fuck.

M. Night Shyamalama Ding Dong. Your movies are god damn terrible sir i think uh half the mother fucker half the internet sat there when he had zero percent of rotten tomatoes it's like yes this is hilarious i know he had zero percent of rotten tomatoes for a long time was it like six now or seven or something yeah he's got a few percent now there's a few fools out there or some staff members from yeah night shama lama ding dongs fucking what what makes me even more angry is the fact that the opposite is happening with toy story three because that's a movie i don't care if you're the most uh angriest person in the world

you'll sit there and you'll go at least yeah that was a good movie you know that was a good those pixar movies are always good man they're so good at it bad one? I think there was one or two bad ones. It was just like, really, I want to meet these people and go, what the fuck is wrong with you? Are you really that angry of a person? Or are you somebody from a different movie studio just being a dick? There's a lot of that. A lot of espionage and fucking double-crossing online. For sure, a lot of positive comments as well by paid shills.

People accuse the UFC of doing that all the time on the underground. People are saying, how many of you guys are paid UFC shills? As far as I know, there are none, but there might be. I might just not know about them. It might very well be that they hire people to get online. I mean, it's effective marketing if you think about it. You get online, you hype up a fight, you start talking, you instigate comments.

Do you think that Shane would have been knocked out by Brett Rogers? I don't think it's that. Brock Lesnar would have been knocked out by Brett Rogers. Sometimes it is. I know it is. I know. But I also think there's just a lot of people. I know in the Pride days they used to do that.

There's just a lot of people. Also, that's all they think. Yes. That is true. But as far as putting together threads and pushing positive threads and talking about how excited you are for something, it's a good move. It's a smart move. If you get a good thread together. Half of Amazon's reviews are that.

Yeah, well, I pay attention to Amazon's reviews. Half of it could be total bullshit. I even try to read it to say, okay okay does this sound like something like a publicist made or the company made no one can stop you from doing that you could review the shit out of your own stuff yeah you know i've never done that with anything i've ever done i've never done that but um i was pleasantly surprised at how many cool fucking comments i got on the itunes thing i thought when i was going over the podcast i'm like there's going to be a bunch of douchebags I was pleasantly surprised at how many cool fucking comments I got on the iTunes thing. I thought when I was going over the podcast, I'm like, there's going to be a bunch of douchebags that don't want to hear us yapping about things. Because this is kind of a free-form podcast.

A lot of times we talk about the same subjects we've talked about before. But they're relevant to the current conversation. I can't – I got to assume that each one of these two-hour things is its own thing. I try not to repeat things as much as possible. And it's also just hard to remember what was 28 times was 28 times two you know how many hours is that of trying to but i also think that we get into subjects a lot deeper than you can if you're just doing an hour podcast right you know i like the hour podcast format but i think there's something about like really intense conversations or you know we have these cool conversations you gotta let them kind of take

their fucking path you know and sometimes it's like, well, this is it. We're just going to stop it now. But there's more shit to be talked about. But so many fucking people who said things on the iTunes were cool. There's a bunch of complaints about the sound, which we did have problems with the sound. But we fixed all that shit. And if you think it's too low, stop listening on your iPhone speaker phone.

It's low for everything. Brian's very upset with this. Well, some guys said how low it was. And so today I recorded myself going on like Adam Carolla's, you know, all of a couple of them. And then, and then ours, I think we got it loudest. This is good now.

We mean, and I think this is the right way to do it too, because I've heard things where people talk on lav mics and it's not quite as loud or clear. I think the reason why radio stations use these kind of mics and stand-up comedy uses this kind of mics and this is this is the right shit to use so this is the way we're going to keep it as far as like putting up this green screen i kind of gave up on that shit i think it's distracting i might put up a um a banner or something maybe put up a big flat screen and have a constantly changing logo. You could put together some nutty video

and it'd be playing in the background. What do you think? Is that a good move? Just Joey Diaz on a toilet. But I think I've given up on the idea of us being in space looking like a cable access show. You know?

The Fleshlight is our only sponsor. And like I said before, if it wasn't a sponsor, I would still tell you to use it. Thing's the fucking bomb diggity. Me too. It's awesome. Gigs,

this weekend, I will be at the Ontario Improv Friday, Saturday, and Sunday with Joey Diaz. As we said, tickets are selling quick. So if you want to come,

come the next time I'll be if you're in LA and you want to go somewhere closer next time I'll be, if you're in L.A. and you want to go somewhere closer, I'm at the Universal City. John Lovitz has a comedy club up there, the John Lovitz Comedy Club. And that's next Saturday. It's like the 17th or some shit. Something like that, two shows.

Next Saturday, two shows. I've never been there before. I heard it's good. And John Lovitz is a nice guy. I like that guy. Love that shopping center. Or that whole Universal place. I love that place. before. I heard it's good. And John Lovitz is a nice guy. I like that guy. I love that shopping center. Or that whole Universal place. I love that place. Yeah, that's a cool place. It's like being at

Disney World. So, that's it, ladies and gentlemen, for this week. Thank you very much for tuning in. We appreciate the fuck out of it, as always. And much respect, much love, and we will see you all next week. Same bad time, same bad... This is not even the same time it was next week.

We're going to keep doing it, though. We will not stop. We will not end. And we do this all because of your support and because of the fact that you guys are enjoying it and I appreciate the fuck out of it. Thank you very much. I love you, bitches.