The Joe Rogan Experience - #301 - Doug Stanhope

Episode Date: December 22, 2012

Joe sits down with Doug Stanhope.

Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! The Joe Rogan Experience Showing my name, Joe Rogan Podcast, my name! My name! We're here, bitches. We're here, alright? Fuck the end of the world. The shit did not materialize.

The Mayans are a bust. They will go down in history like the Y2K cocksuckers, that May 11th guy, all these assholes that called the end. Nope. Nope. Sorry. You gotta continue suffering, stupid. Continue being confused.

Continue living your life with no answers. That is the answer. The answer is there's no fucking answer. You're supposed to be terrified. Yeah, Red Band, when you're back in your seat, search WikiDeaths 2012. See who died on 12 21 12 then for them it was the oh shit this is right yeah for them my chest is seizing up maybe we were one of those in a

parallel continuum and in this life we we somehow or another got through and that's the the path we followed but maybe in another life you we all did maybe it's true maybe it is maybe the end of the world did happen but we can't remember it because we didn't really truly experience it because we moved on to the next and now we don't have to pay our taxes that would be the shit huh if you woke up one day and all of a sudden the whole tax system and the whole monetary system made sense it's like it had been fixed oh it, it's all fixed now. Oh, okay. Wouldn't that be beautiful? Be nice.

You think with all these smart motherfuckers we have running this world that that would be possible if you let the right people control it? You know? Is that possible? Sorry, please hold.

What are you doing? Getting out cash? Yeah, I gotta pay that guy. I shouldn't say that guy. He's coming back. No, him. Oh, him. Oh, don't worry about it.

We got that. Don't worry. We got that. Dude, we got like a company stack of cash. Don't worry about it. We got that. Don't worry. We got that. Dude, we got like a company stack of cash. Don't worry about it. What are you doing, you son of a bitch? Well, you're so rich, you probably forget that ten bucks for that guy is like

a shitload of money. Tell him I don't. He's a gambling addict and he just ran over here with cigarettes for me so he can play more scratch tickets and he's hoping you notice. And Stanhope. Good morning! That's how you always look at it.

Dude, last night was awesome. That was one of the most fun times I've ever had as a comedian. Yeah, I just wish we fucked around with it a little more. Yeah? Like what way? I don't know, like something goofy. Like we're all together. We should be doing something goofy at the end,

like the fucking blue collar guys and sit around and tell stories or like something that like makes it more than just all right here's three guys in a row christmas i didn't but you we stung around and uh took pictures with everybody for hours i think you were out there forever i purposely didn't stand near you because i didn't want to create that no just you situation oh yeah that's ugly yeah so i just i just worked the lobby i you left nerd it well that's how it usually is we usually have like little packets of people like brian will have his little packet of people taking pictures and joey will have his but joey will inevitably disappear i'll be right back be right back dog vanish and he's always got some story.

I thought you were going to meet me in the garage. Bitch, you were on the fucking highway. Joey's the best vanisher ever. Because he'd just have this look in his eyes. He goes, okay, it's over. Hedberg was the best. He would disappear from a closed room, a sealed room, and somehow Hedberg's gone. I remember we're in St. Cloud once we did a one-nighter and then we went to the bar

we go to the 24-hour restaurant I go you get a booth it's like two in the morning and I said you get a booth and I'm just gonna use a pay phone this is how how long ago it was. And I call this girl that I had met. And he goes, okay. And he goes in. I look all over the restaurant. I go, assume he's in the men's room. I get a menu. I'm sitting there waiting.

He had left because he thought, oh, you said you were calling a girl. Man, I don't want to be a third wheel. Well, you could have said so. I was sitting around in a fucking restaurant for an hour waiting. Well, he was probably just psyched. It was like the perfect opportunity to go do smack. No, this is the pre-smack days. Oh, really?

If we're doing a one-nighter in St. Cloud together. When did the smack day start? The first time he ever mentioned it to me was, well, you knew by his act. He'd have his jokes and then the asides. So he goes, you ever have something that's good, but then you do something better and it ruins a good thing? Like you like to smoke pot and then someone sprinkles some heroin in your pot and regular pot is no good anymore? Yeah. So I knew he didn't just write that.

See, that's why I won't smoke pot with strangers. Some creepy asshole sprinkles some heroin in it because he thinks he's being goofy. And then boom. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Have you ever had anything like addiction? No. No. No.

Definitely, I've never even touched anything that I heard was addictive i mean alcohol is addictive but it seems to be addictive for certain people only you know for me it's not at all but i've seen people that you know one drink and they're they're gone they just the switch goes off and they're fucked but that seems to be very very variable but um like heroin never thought about a coke never thought anything amphetam, all that shit never appealed to me. But I mean anything where you go, ah, shit, I couldn't live without it. Like sugar or –

No, no. I would – no. I mean staples of life, water and food. Other than that, I could live without almost everything. Yeah. Yeah, I mean I think that's a weird connection that people have to like certain things, whether it's sugar or coffee or cigarettes. that's a weird connection that people have to certain things, whether it's sugar or coffee or cigarettes. There's just weird connections that people have.

They seek normalcy in repetitive things and reoccurring themes in their life, and they just get connected to it. There's people that will lose their fucking mind if a bar they go to closes down. They'll lose their fucking mind. It's the end of the world. They don't know what the fuck to do. The bar wouldn't if i still lived here i'd be like that about the coaching horses that was so sad classic that place is fucking classic that place was a vortex too that's the place where callan was out in the front of the coaching horses and he ran

into an ex-girlfriend that he had who had turned into a street walker wow yeah that was deep that was fucking deep i had that happen uh oh god what was his name there's josh something he was a comic and he was playing vegas and it's like five or six in the morning now and there's a hooker at the bar and she says she says, do you want me to go up to your room and dance? And he says, well, what are you going to do? I mean, are you going to dance? I'm not paying you that much money to dance. And she goes, well, are you a cop?

And he goes, no, I'm a comic. She goes, really? Do you know Doug Stanhope? It's a girl, an old friend of mine's ex-wife, who I ended up banging after they broke up once. It was horrible, and now she's a hooker. Wow. I was reading a story about a woman who was an Olympian. She was a two-time Olympian, I think, for track and field.

Yeah. And she was 40 years old, and she just decided to become a hooker. Susie Favor Hamilton. Is that her name? Yeah, that's her name. She's a hooker. Susie Favor Hamilton. Is that her name? Yeah, that's her name. She's like a gold medal. I guess she was a big deal in the 2000 Olympics, and now she's a hooker. She was a hooker.

She was, yeah. Apparently, I think they're trying to say that it's antidepressants that turned her into a hooker. She blamed depression. I don't know if she blamed the actual medication. I think she was saying that the, I think people were blaming Zoloft. Z-O-F-L-O-T. You ever hear that song from Ween, Zoloft, the song?

No. It sounds like you're on Zoloft when you're listening to it. What does Zoloft feel like? It's like very dreamy and euphoric, I think, if I remember. Really? Yeah. Well, I mean, if you put it up your butt. Well, isn't that the thing about it is it's supposed to get,

it's supposed to, like, relieve you of any of the worries of life? Like, it takes all that shit away? Yeah. I got really anxious. I wasn't prescribed it, but my dad was, and when he died, I started taking them, and I just got, like, vague anxiety. It gives you an anxiety. If you don't need a medication, you don't know what it is.

Yeah, she took Zoloft, and once she started taking Zoloft, that allowed her to pursue. So Zoloft is the new Spanish fly. Well, you know, that was the thing with McAfee in Belize, what he was supposedly doing. He claims that it was all a ruse and that it was all like he's a prankster. And he wasn't really cooking up bath salts. And he didn't really have a forum name, even though he had a forum name that wasn't even his name. It was like, I forget, the Stuffmonger or something like that was the forum name. So it wasn't like he was John McAfee reporting live from Belize.

He was just some dude. Wrote incredibly detailed articles on extractions of MDPV, which apparently makes people super-duper sexual. I read some stuff after I talked to you. I haven't listened to the podcast with him yet, but I read a couple of articles talking about him. Did you get those? I sent you links, right?

Did I send you links? Yeah, you sent me links, but I haven't had time yet. He's ridiculous. I mean, it's really a hilarious, hilarious story. But this MDPV apparently just makes you want to scratch your dick off. It makes you just completely like, just a little crazed rabid fuck monkey. Apparently, it's a constant thing while you're on it. Even if you're not horny anymore, you're like rubbing your dick raw.

Like, I don't get it. Well, yeah, no, I've done that with a lot of... A lot of drugs will do that to you? Stimulants, yeah. Yeah, I've heard that. I've heard, like, with some people, like, smoking crack. Like, my friend Johnny, who had a crack problem, used to say, I just like to smoke crack and go beat off.

This was back in the day when they had peep shows. Like would go to uh this was like time square like when it was really time square and he would go down to uh the peep booths when he was smoking crack and he would just stay in one of those things and keep putting dollars and feeding dollars in the thing and smoking crack and the girl and he would beat off and the girl would like you know finger herself in front of him and shit i used to do that all the time in my youth. It's very dark. Not the crack smoking, but go to smut shops and jerk off. The one Sex World in Minneapolis would have the live girls in the booth

and you'd go in there. What do you do to them? You ask them to do stuff for you? They're sitting there on a bed of dildos and do whatever you like. I went to the Lusty Lady in seattle once with dave fulton we did a gig and we want to just go for that all right let's go in here and goof off and then i'll sneak into a booth and jerk off and we ran into james inman just randomly hey inman that's funny is he what he's not from minneapolis right where's he from he's from he's in kansas city he

was in that was seattle oh but he's back in kansas city now he's a fucking insane person kansas city is a fun town i haven't been in that place in a long time i gotta get back there that's a fun place yeah yeah i had a lot of fun there's something about like i think that's where i get herpes i'm pretty sure there's some weird chick that look like uma thurman yeah those are going to be herpes yeah extra long toes you freak bitch just doing your extra long toes and your herpes yeah people from kansas city it's like kansas city is like a humble town you know they can't really brag too much it's kansas city you know it's not new york it's not chicago there's no debate anymore it's just kansas city it's all good you can kind of judge a town by the uh

but by the uh their their sports fans like yeah they have shitty teams but they still support them like chicago and the bears right or chicago and the the white socks for the longest time yeah but they've had some winning teams they're kind of dicks. But Green Bay, for years of futility, but that stadium was sold out every time and they're the happiest, nicest people. You're not going to get a lot of stories out of Green Bay. You're not going to get herpes in Green Bay. Yeah, isn't that a funny thing about the Midwest?

Like how fucking nice a lot of the people are there? I mean, obviously it's a generalization, but I think the overall tone of the people just seems to be really fucking nice. Yeah, Minnesota. Yeah. Wisconsin. You're going to get your douchebags everywhere.

People will tell you. You'll tell people about somewhere being nice. Like, I went there and some guy punched me in the fucking face. Look, that can happen anywhere. Yeah, it's probably you. Could be you, and that shit can happen anywhere. You can always run into random people. You can't judge a town based on one or two incidences that you have but your overall sense like when you're in places like

like wisconsin they're fucking nice as shit yeah they're super nice yeah like everywhere you go people like really reasonable down to earth easy to talk to yeah it's better it's better than being in new york being all fucking pleased with yourself. Yeah. You know, I'm a New Yorker. I'm a New Yorker, you know? Nothing fazes me. I'm a New Yorker. That is one of the grossest statements ever, that I'm a New Yorker. I've seen it all.

I'm a New Yorker. Nothing fazes me. Shut it. Yeah, Hurricane Sandy. There was a lot of schadenfreude in that. Why I haven't had power for two weeks. This is New York. It's the greatest city in the world.

We should have power. Yeah. No. It doesn't work that way, stupid. It's just another fucking city. It just so happens that it's a really famous one. But all the rules of cities apply. And when cities get fucking drowned in water, it takes a long time to turn shit back on and dry everything off.

Crazy fucks. That place is going to go. If that happens again and again and again, which it very well could, we had this guy on who was talking about climate change who was a chainsmith that was telling us this. I think it was a chainsmith because he's usually pretty doom and gloom. In my backpack,

can you get me a stir in the front pack? He was telling us that these 100-year storms like Sandy, he goes, they're going to happen three times a year. That's the reality of climate change. Three times a year, you're going to have Hurricane Sandy. Fuck the East Coast. I'm in the desert, baby. You're in a good spot.

You'll probably be tropical in the next 100 years. You'll probably be in a fucking rainforest. Yeah, when I'm 145, I don't think that day is coming. It's going to be really hot. You never know, man. They might find some plant in the Amazon that keeps you alive forever. And then next thing you know, global warming, overpopulation, Bisbee is the shit.

That's the move. How often do you take jaunts into Mexico? Almost never, no. But it's seven miles away, right? Yeah, but the town on the other side is like nothing there. The only reason you ever go over to that town is to get prescription drugs. And they don't have a – they have Xanax. That's it?

Yeah, if I needed Xanax or Viagra, that would be the reason I went to – and I have a script for it now. Now, when you do that, and you go over there, and you get it, how hard is it to bring it back? You can bring up to... They'll allow you to bring up to 30 pills across. And sometimes they'll give you shit. Like, you know you need

a prescription for this, and you go, oh, I have one. And one time I brought my prescription bottle, which had expired, and I go, yeah, I got it right here. And he and he goes this is expired you know you have but I know their policy is 30 pills of any type of pill you can bring you know you buy five different types of pills but as long as there's no more than 30 they'll let you go so the guy's trying to give me attitude and but I know that I go so are you saying I can't take these across? I didn't say that. All right. But normally you don't have any problems.

But I have a prescription now, and I don't take them often enough that I have to go get the fake refill across the border. Yeah, the unnecessary asshole security slash cop guy, that is a really unfortunate aspect of our society. The unnecessary asshole, when you're you just like we could just talk everything could be fine you know you could just tell me what i what i can and can't do by the rule well that's uh that's the society we live in look at uh like kitchen nightmares or bar rescue yeah those shows where okay if you want to help the guy fix his restaurant or bar you could just do it normally but no one's gonna watch so you have to be a fucking dildo you gotta be rated yeah you have to be gordon ramsay simon cowell an asshole yeah just to get people to watch because otherwise who'd care yeah isn't that funny what a what a weird aspect of society the uh the douchebag that thinks he's allowed to be a douchebag because uh you know

he's being real or it's a part of the job or fucking toughing up or this and this is america this is nice it's where we have to keep you safe i need to know what you're bringing across we have rules those xanax could kill babies if a baby ate all those xanax fucking officer cunty mcFuckface Douchebags But not all of them That's the problem Some of them are cool

Is the clanking of my ice Just in my head No it's beautiful Alright Sounds good Beautiful Sounds romantic It's no carrot

Let's see now Yeah Brian had a podcast Some chick insisted on eating carrots Eliza Slesson Oh Oh Nothing makes me more

Enraged than the mouse sounds while she had a little dog with her little dog in her lap eating carrots like okay bitch somebody needs to fuck you proper and set you straight not that i really believe that man i think that's cool i think last night's buzz is hitting back in now i feel pretty fucked up right now i bet yeah last night was fun man that was the that that whole show first of all was an interesting twist having honey honey having a band open for us it made the whole thing feel like a totally different sort of experience yeah you know so that worked well because it's i know most times when you mix music with comedy, it always seems to be annoying. Yeah, but you know something that we were talking about last night?

Me and Eddie were like that with some shows and some crowds, that might be the case. You might not mix to have music with comedy. I've traveled with a couple of guys, Mishka Shabali, who I fucking love, and he's a solo act guitar and a lot of songs have fit my crowd drinking you know hardcore uh you know almost like bukowski-esque songs right and uh the mattoid who's just this weird guy from finland that was really crazy but

it didn't work touring like all right one night last night was perfect because it was a hyped show that everyone's there they know what's going on they know that it's going to be music and comedy but when we were touring you'd show up in whatever fuckville tennessee and they're like that guy's not funny like he's not supposed to be funny it's music yeah some people yeah it hasn't been promoted enough that you know what to expect yeah as long as it's good i mean some people yeah it hasn't been promoted enough that you know what to expect yeah as long as it's good i mean some people are just so fucking tight-minded they're so closed-minded when it comes to what they want to see and what they don't want to see but it's what they're trained to expect exactly too so like when mishka would have songs that are

vaguely funny then they think he's you know supposed to be henry phillips and they're like the guy's well he's not supposed to if it happens to be funny in the song that's part of but it's not his job but you can't like you're the only one you trust to go out and tell the audience and as the headliner you can't open up and go okay i'm gonna open the show and then close the show later on but i have to explain to you fucking nitwits what's about to happen yeah well the crowds that we uh attract though that doesn't seem to be a problem at all like um this last night obviously was a hype show and it was sort of a big event so i don't know if it's indicative of how to work every time but it's it would seem to be so smooth yeah a theater show is different than the shit i was doing where you're playing some you know

goofy rock and roll bars out of a van. Yeah. There's good things and bad things about theater shows. It was really interesting. We did a show Thursday night at the Improv, and these people came up to me, and they said this is the first time they had seen me in a comedy club. They saw me in Austin. They saw me somewhere else. I've only seen you in these big places.

The guy was like, it's way better in a small place. Oh, it's all yeah it really is if the money were all the same i'd do i'd do 75 seaters really 75 you think i had a fucking velveta room in austin like i i would love is that 70 how many i think it's yeah 65 70 people wow but it's so closed and intimate and you yeah it's it's like it's you feel like the life of the party rather than a paid, you know, dancing monkey. Well,

there's something, the other side of it is, there's something crazy about doing like, it's a different sort of a show, but when you do a crowd like last night, where it's, whatever it is, 2000 screaming fucking people throwing bananas.

There's something about that too. Like when you're crushing. I felt so removed like you couldn't see anyway even leaning in it was hard to see a face it's certainly a different experience it's definitely the big the big theaters are way different experience we had like in the uk we were doing all theaters most of them we had no business playing we're not gonna sell out a 2000 seater-seater in Sunderland, England. But someone thought it was a great idea.

But a few of them, like Wolverhampton, still my favorite city in the U.K. Go Wolverhampton Wolves. Yes, that's my team just because the show is so great. It was like a small Beatles thing getting from the back door into the van where they're slapping on the side of the van afterwards this is crazy wow yeah Wolverhampton Wolverhampton wow and we knew it was going to be great because everyone goes oh you're going to Wolverhampton oh good luck there you fuck oh there we go that's that's gonna be our place if you hate it we like it isn't it funny like that fucking detroit is always great shows

and everyone you know like it's got such a bad rep but the fucking greatest fans people there's one thing though that people do there's something they love about being in a giant group of people experiencing the same thing at the same time like if you go to see a band you know i've seen bands in intimate settings and it's pretty badass but I've also seen them in front of thousands of people, and there's something like crazy electric about that, you know? It's good to have them both. It's good to have the same, you know, it's good to have big, giant, crazy crowds, but it's also good to just show up someplace and do a, you know, 1 a.m. spot at the store. Well, it's nice when you can go out afterwards and, you know, take a lot lot of pictures but you spent probably twice as long taking pictures as you did on stage yeah probably that's almost when you said we're going out front i'm like you're fucking kidding me you're gonna go

shake 1700 hands i don't even know what the i figure if they want to wait in line and they paid to see me i'll fucking i'll hang out i'm not yeah i never i never thought to do the the make a line situation i just go out in absolute chaos after a show even though it's like 300 people yeah but i like it's just so it's everyone like can i get a picture this way like i don't know what camera i'm looking at yeah well that was how i always did it but live nation just took over and started making lines that's what it was because I would just go out and they would go okay you got you gonna go out and do that again and then I'd go yeah probably and they're like okay let's can we set up a line I said okay go ahead set up a line and

they usually have that one guy that knows how to use every single phone camera yeah I know this yeah that's a problem is people in their fucking droids they have no idea how to use their but what's the give a droid to someone who's never used a droid and they look at that shit like what the fuck which one's the can what's it they can't have the exact same icons in the exact same place so like the camera button's bigger and it's on the left-hand side you're like what the fuck is this where's the flash and a flash here i still do that just trying to dial my phone like Which one? Contacts?

You got it. Somebody got there. A Droid? Is that what that is? Yeah. That's the big screen one. Yeah. That's the S3.

Great for online, man. No, I think he's got a, what is that? Which one is that? It's a. The Razr? It was the biggest one. That's the S3. And I still, like, that's the biggest one that's the S3 and I still like that's the biggest one

I could get and I only get it because I was forced into a world where I have to text and it's still not big enough for my thumbs

I there's a typo in every fucking word because my thumbs are fat how long have you been doing it I've had this like about a year see you're so behind

a little over a year Brian and I have been typing on those fucking things for years and years and years. So we're like, just get used to it. Do it while you're driving in a rainstorm. No, no. I don't fuck with my phone while I'm driving.

And you should either, ladies and gentlemen. I forget that's a law here. Yeah, it should be a law. Don't fucking text while you're driving. Oh, no, not texting. Just talking on the phone. Even that. These fucking people cover half their face.

Get a little plug. Stick it in your ear, stupid. These people are ridiculous. They're like holding their left hand up to their window, their car window, and driving. And they literally can't see the whole left side. I believe it's been proven that it's not the actual holding the phone that causes the accident. It's because you're paying attention to the conversation. Yes.

So the fucking earpiece accident it's because you're paying attention to the conversation yes so the fucking earpiece it's all bullshit it is but you you are in the disadvantage if you can only hold the steering wheel with one hand yeah if that's the only way you can do it and if you're holding the phone up to your ear it's not you mean you have to throw the phone down and grab that takes too much time all right that's the fact it's too it's not safe and there's one thing you're holding a drink if i'm holding a coffee and i see an accident i'll let that fucking coffee go and you're not going to throw your phone down and grab this that's why i walk everywhere that might make no sense maybe you wouldn't drop your coffee either you'd probably just crash that doesn't make any sense at all probably easier to drop your phone scientific studies with doug and joe we'll be. We're going to go start an accident with coffee and a phone. That's one thing.

And someone out there, do this. Because I have all these great ideas that are going to die in my brain. But someone go out and take an 80-year-old sober guy on a course, an obstacle, not obstacle course, but a driving course, and put him next to a spry 25 year old uh twice the legal driving limit and see who drives better on a in a controlled yeah it's a good idea i'd love that that youtube clip would get a lot of fucking hits and a lot of a lot of controversy there's a real problem with us allowing old people to continue to drive well, well, well into dementia.

Yeah. Because no one gets in there and stops them. How many times have we heard about that Santa Monica one when that dude hit the gas and ran over all those people? And another one happened recently where a guy knocked some people over. We called the cops, which it killed me to have to call the cops on a drunk driver. But we were following someone from Bisbee to Tucson on a two-lane. And they were over the line and then into the breakdown lane, over the line. And I go, if I don't call the cops and this person swerves into oncoming traffic,

how much of a dick am I going to feel like? So I called the cops, and they didn't get there before. There's a border checkpoint we have to go through to get from our house to the tucson airport and when we got to the checkpoint we got to it was like an 89 year old woman just a hunchback most elderly woman and i'm like so she wasn't even drunk no no it was just fucking old oh my god it was terrifying and was she in one of those really old cars it's like real loose like those old like no no no she no she had a normal car really yeah old cars have you ever tried to drive like a really old like shitty yes oldsmobile you remember the one i bought at the van show that was terrible i bought it i had to go to fresno to pick it up as a 1980

dodge aspen that had the the roof cut cut off and painted lime green with a big white racing stripe. And I just, I bought this on purpose to fuck with Rogan because he had just got this $120,000 Porsche. So I parked it right next. We had a parking spaces side by side on the man show lot. So I bought the biggest piece of shit I can find on eBay, the loudest, ugliest, stupidest car, and had the prop department make up a bumper sticker that said, I'm with Rogan with an arrow towards your car. And I still have that bumper sticker on my refrigerator now. I remember that. But it was terrifying. The speed limit should go by the quality of your vehicle.

It shouldn't just be a blanket thing. Absolutely. Yeah, there's old cars like with drum brakes and shit those things are really sketchy yeah everybody you know who has one bill burr bill burr has a really old ford i think it's a ford pickup truck like a 1950 something pickup truck where it's a it's a manual transmission where you shift it on on the stock yeah you know it's like so you're like you're pulling a lever that's attached to the steering wheel it's craziness and he loves it the joy and sparkle in his eyes you know it's like i go no navigation system fucking no navigation system nothing it's like it does everything the radio works it's just his old

engine like you can work on it. Look at it. You open it up. I can work on that. I'm like, fucking Bill Burr. Just talking to him. He's just about whatever. I don't even remember what we were talking about. But right before I went on stage, and just everyone in the green room is just dying laughing.

And he's just talking casually about whatever. And then I'm like, I've I gotta go on a stage after this and nothing in my act is as funny as just him kibitzing yeah he's he's such an awesome dude too you know he liked it what he didn't want to hang he's like I don't want to you know bingo went out and got him yeah he said he was leaving any I don't want to impose like yeah fuck out of here come hang out with us man we taught what You want us to be completely overrun by industry and no one fun in the green room? Yeah. It was a weird green room.

Doug and I were talking about this. I think we talked about this before the podcast started. We didn't know fucking half the people in there. It was weird. It's like all these industry people. I thought they were all your people. Joey Diaz talked me out of even going. He's like, dog, you don't want to go down there.

I thought it was like, alright, there's some creepy sex shit going on. Well, Stanhope scared off most of them from the after party by bringing in strangers. Stanhope just went out and grabbed some strangers. I think that they had this giant spread of food that you know is going to go straight in the trash. Jeff Wills assured me it goes to the homeless

people. I'm like, yeah, I'm sure that's what you're thinking about while you're counting the beans at the end of the night is, oh, make sure the cold cuts get to the homeless right just just drop them off in the corner of skid row flop yeah and there's like you know three cases of beer and it's just you know us in the industry so i've just got people out of your line i go he'll be down here eventually come drink free beer so stanhope grabbed a bunch of people brought them down to the after party, and smoked out all the industry people.

Eventually, like, I'm uncomfortable here. Don't talk about my pending deals. Let me flee. Fuck them. I didn't know most of the people that were back there. It was like my manager and my agent, and there's like a bunch of fucking strangers. Wait, who's your manager?

That was Chandra. That was my manager's... Who's the cleaner? Sussman? Sussman. He's the cleaner. That's hilarious. agent and there's like a bunch of strangers that was chandra that was my manager's well who's your who's the cleaner sussman sussman that's the cleaner i was talking to the guys wrong call sussman i was talking to the guys from uh impractical jokers i don't know if you've seen it what is that so it's like a prank show on uh true tv which is a fucking awful network it's the only good thing on the network. But it's genuinely funny. They're four friends and they just

pull pranks on people but the idea is to make our friend go do this. So it's really the prank is they're fucking with each other. It's really funny. It's soft, genuinely funny. And I was talking to

them because they have some problems with the network that make the man show look fucking like we owned it. Really? Yeah. And I'm like, you got to get a guy like fucking Rogan's guy. We called him the cleaner. I couldn't think of his name. Sussman. Yeah.

You need someone to call. Like the network telling them what to do on their off time. Oh, my God. Really? They tell them what to do on their off time and oh my god really they tell them what to do on their off time yeah like what like they were like they were gonna do a gig in iowa they had like five shows booked in iowa just on their own we couldn't let them use the impractical joker's name then they told them they couldn't even do the gig because they wanted them to be focused on the show even though they're not taping it was like crazy do

you remember when we first sat down to do the man show one of their first ideas was that we filmed the beginning of it in iraq that we go over and do the man show in iraq i don't remember that and i was like i go oh that was their idea stan Stone Stanley's idea. And I go, are you out of your fucking mind? I go, you want to go to a war zone and have girls jump up and down on trampolines. And I go, what are you doing? Are you endorsing this invasion of this country that makes no fucking sense, that's supposed to be connected to 9-11 but isn't really in any way, shape, or form? Is that what we're doing?

And they sat there and looked at me like they didn't know what to say. I go, what the fuck are you talking about? That was like the beginning of the end with those guys. I do remember when we were going to get O.J. Simpson on to do an Andy Rooney spot at the end of every show. Yes. And just announce him as Heisman Trophy winner O.J. Simpson. And then he just bitches about ATM fees or something. What is it?

Just at a cluttered desk. I paid my money. You're getting money from me anyway. But Stone Stanley had some connection to them where he's like, no, that's no possible way. Yeah. Off the table.

You know, that should have never happened. We fucked up, man. That was an interesting lesson, but what happened was, first of all, if anybody does the history of the show, I was doing Fear Factor at the same time, so my time was very limited. I was fucked.

And the other thing was they kind of bullshitted us. They told me when they were setting it up for me, they were like, listen, you could do whatever the fuck you want. Like if you guys get sued, that would be good for us. It would be good publicity. I go, what about nudity? Can we blur it out? Absolutely. Nudity, we'll blur it out. Swears, that would be good for us. It would be good publicity. I go, what about nudity? Can we blur it out? Absolutely.

Nudity will blur it out. Swears? We'll just beep it out. Do whatever the fuck you want to do. Is Stone Stanley the production company, not the network? No. Stone Stanley literally said to me, if we get sued, it would be great. It would be great publicity.

I was like, this is perfect. And then I'm saying, you would do it with Stanhope? And they, yes. If Stanhope's what you want, I go, the only way I'm doing it is with Stanhope. Okay, good. We're in. And then once we got, you would do it with Stanhope? And they, yes. If Stanhope's what you want, I go, the only way I'm doing it is with Stanhope. Okay, good. We're in. And then once we got in, oh, my God. It was just they lied to us.

It was like the network had these really silly ideas. It was so compartmentalized that you have the network saying one thing. Then you have Stone Stanley saying another thing, and then there's the lawyers, and then there's standards and practices. So you couldn't get a cohesive answer. One person might be genuinely saying, yeah, you can do whatever you want.

Hang on, Dunce Helberg, our lawyer, says you can't do that. But it was the idea that the most, the thing that I didn't expect the most was these people who weren't funny in any way, shape, or form telling you what is and isn't funny and telling you sketches that are and aren't funny. And you're like, what are you even saying? When did you become an expert on what's funny? You have no idea what it would take to put something down, write it down on paper, conceptualize it in a way that the audience is going to absorb it, go on stage and kill.

You don't understand what that is. I know what that is. That's my job. That's your job. I don't want to talk too much about the impractical Joker story. I don't know how much I'm talking out of school, but the fucking head of the network, Mark Juris, this douche, will make them fucking write out possible improv things they might say under the circumstance, okay, we approve the gag, so what jokes might you say to someone?

And he'll approve things that might or might not be said. So he improves possible improv? They guys are like fucking almost in tears on the phone, go, I don't know how to do this. I go, I don't know how to do this. I go, I don't know what to tell you. See, that is someone who's a douchebag who doesn't understand the creative process in any way, shape, or form. If you're out there and you work with someone creative, there's one way, only one way you can get the most out of that person. Leave them alone. That's it.

Leave them alone. Let them come up with their own shit. That's it. It's the only way it's going to work. If you start meddling, you're not going to make it better. You're not. You're not going to fucking straighten out the plot lines. You're not.

You're not. If they're funny, they're going to figure out how to do it. If they work on it hard, if they care about it, they'll make it good. If they can't, they suck. And you're not going to fix that. You're not going to fix suck. And you're not going to make funny funnier. You're just not.

Yeah. Me and Bill were talking about that. We're getting to a level where, you know what? I can just do stand-up. I don't need to be on TV. I can make enough money now as a stand-up where fuck you. Yeah. I feel like that with everything except the UFC.

But the UFC, they're like a family to me, like Dana. Yeah, but that's not a gig where they go, okay, you have to do this and this and this. No, no. I mean, it's the easiest gig of all time for me because I'm this fanatical fan. But as far as anything else, I don't give a fuck. I've been offered movies before and I'm like, I don't want to do that. What, am I going to go to New Orleans for a month? The fuck am I going to go?

Send a trailer. Yeah, I don't want to do that. What, am I going to go to New Orleans for a month? The fuck am I going to do? Set a trailer. Yeah, I have no desire. If the level of fame that I had two years ago was all I could ever get to, I'm good with that. I'm not even famous. I'm uncomfortable with the amount of fame I have. Well, you're unquestionably famous. But I mean, walk down the street famous. That's better because you're famous among stand-up comedy fans.

Exactly. I'm perfect. There's an elite group of human beings that are in this one category that I consider funny, and there's not that many of them. It's really kind of amazing if you stop and think about it. If you think about how many people are actually on the planet. Hang on. I just got a text. I just want to make sure it wasn't Q listening from Impractical Jokers going, you're going to get us fired, man.

What the fuck, man? True TV pays my mortgage, man. What else is on True TV? All the fakest shows in the world. The fakest shit, hardcore pawn is completely fucking fake set up. Mystery Diners was one they would run it where they'd you know watch a bad employee it's like slap you in the face insultingly poorly staged wow they'll have a bad employee and we think he's stealing and now we have video for we set up hidden cameras and we see him stealing

things and uh like we watched one where they the oh, he's him and his friends are carrying a keg out the back. Well, when they're going out the door from the inside shot, the keg is not tapped. But on the other side of the door, the keg is tapped. So we called them. We called up and we go, yeah, I need to talk to that employee, Jed, whatever the guy's name was. Yeah, we saw the show I think because he was serving underage people and we go yeah I think he served my underage daughter and I'm I'm gonna take legal action and the fucking manager had to tell me outright no that show's

completely staged yeah no they hired those are hired actors they don't that's funny do you uh remember bingo can I get another one of these yes thank you thank you my love the um do you remember um governors on long island yes there's a dude who worked at governors he was a wicked cool guy who was a doorman who also doubled he they would fly him out and he would do various uh talk shows and uh had a deal. They would call him up and they'd go, hey, we're looking for a guy who is in love and is having an affair with his brother's wife. And he'd be like, what the fuck do you know? I am in love and having an affair with my brother's wife. And he would just fly down.

That's what I did with Jerry Springer. You did it? You did that too? I did Springer when it first started. Like, yeah, I did Springer. you did it you did that too springer when it first started like yeah i did springer and then while i was there the fucking uh producer guy just fucking crazy guy actually got sued by him later on uh he said uh he goes okay we're going over the script it's me and two strippers that are pretending to be strippers probably and uh we're going over the you know rehearsing they flew me out for free

it's like 1998 or something and uh he said and by the way don't talk to anyone in the hotel because uh 2020 is investigating us or dateline and uh so if anyone comes up to you and it was such a dick that the next morning i called my agent i, get me a number for 2020. And then it turned into this whole like spy versus spy where I'm leaving the outline snuck out under my door so 2020 can come grab it and copy it and then put it back while I'm in the other room rehearsing. It was fucking crazy. And then so I yeah, it just it was a whole the stories on my website somewhere. whole the story's on my website somewhere whatever happened to that really fucking funny show you did for fox that hidden camera show where you cooked a cat yeah you brought a cat to uh was that what i was trying to mail my yeah my my ex-girlfriend says she wants your cat back so i went to like mailing mailboxes etc to mail it was what looked like a dead cat tinfoil.

Did they mail it for you? I don't remember. It was a montage of different places. That show was funny, though. I don't think anyone mailed it. That was in the 90s, right? We filmed it in 99, and it didn't air until 2001. They just shelved it. But then they pulled it out as a summer replacement.

It was after 9-11 because they changed it from Attack of the Hidden Cameras to Invasion of the Hidden Cameras because they thought Attack was too strong in a post-9-11 world. Oh, God. Oh, God. I hate everybody.

I fucking love Hidden Camera and none of it's good. That's why I love Imractical jokers it's finally like after years of punked and you just want to leap through the tv and slap that fucking ashton kutcher in his cunt mouth right in the mouth right yeah this we set up a fake valet what idiot is just gonna give their keys to a random stranger really you don't valet park your fucking car ashton kutcher you smarmy cut like smarmy cunt and they were just like so poor i fucking candid camera i want to get like box sets of old candid camera because this shit makes me fucking cry laughing yeah candid

camera was pretty fucking bad yes yeah that's uh there's not that is it what is the deal with uh hidden camera though there's like certain rules that exist now that I don't think existed before. Well, it's reasonable expectation of privacy. Oh, I've got to fucking tell you a story off the air. Do you remember the fake Dr. Phil? I have the injunction in my backpack of why I can't tell you off the air. I've got a story off the air. Do you remember the fake Dr. Phil that we had for the man show?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That guy was fucking brilliant. That was me. That was funny shit. That was me. He had an earpiece. He just looked like Dr. Phil. But, I mean, he was a brilliant impression of Dr. Phil.

Yeah, he did. He pulled it off beautifully. Those women really thought it was Dr. Phil. Yeah. But that was fucking awesome, dude. That was, like, one of my favorite things we did. That and when you stole the old man show midget. Yeah.

When you romanced him. Yeah, Arturo. Oh, that was beautiful too i get the master tapes i want to put them on ebay because they won't release our our you know our show ever is that the case they won't release it no they would have they've released every other one on box set dvds i know i just want i just want to ebay the the tapes for charity that's not a bad idea he'd probably get sued though why i don't know because somebody probably owns it if they I know. I just want to eBay the tapes for charity. That's not a bad idea. You'd probably get sued, though.

Why? I don't know, because somebody probably owns it, and if they ever wanted to sell it as a DVD. Why'd they give me the fucking tapes? They probably fucked up. They didn't think you'd go crazy and go on eBay. They didn't understand what eBay was, probably. They probably didn't have eBay back then. You'd have another court problem right now.

Yeah, don't do it. They'll sue you. Me and Andy are flying to Florida for Christmas. day back then. Oh, you got another court problem right now. Yeah, don't do it. I'll sue you. Because if we don't... Me and Andy are flying to Florida for Christmas. That's how we realized we'll be spending our Christmases, in court in Florida. In court in Florida? Yeah, we fly on Christmas Day. Again, can't talk about it.

Oh, really? Oh, is this that thing that you were talking about before? Maybe. Yeah. Oh, someone's upset? Yeah. Shouldn't have been fucking kids, pal. That's how it goes, right?

I didn't say anything. Son of a bitch. I don't even know what we're talking about. I'm just making things up, folks. If this in any way coincidentally relates to the actual events of the case, it's strictly... Oh, don't... Yeah, don't worry. After we're out of court, it's...

Yeah. We'll be able to talk. Oh, okay. So after we're out of court, you can go... Yeah, we Oh, okay. So after we're out of court, you can go. Yeah, we're good. So it can become part of your act. 20 minutes. That's the problem.

Well, that's the problem when you have a great story, but it's with another comic, and it's pretty much his story. Right. Well, here's what you got to do with that guy. Don't fucking lay it out for him and say it in the perfect joke form. Oh, yeah, yeah. He'll have his own take but he's been making jokes about it for years let's get off because this is not only that we're already probably tripping on some fucking legal issues you can consult

with jay moore though if you need help with that speaking of fucking hilarious uh I sent Doug this thing. And there's a video of Bill Burr talking about Yoko Ono and John Lennon. And it is one of the fucking funniest things I've ever seen. Oh, you got it keyed up? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to show it. Because it's so perfect. It was when John Lennon had a chance to perform on a television show with Chuck Berry and he brought Yoko Ono with him and Bill Burr just breaks it down.

It's one of the fun. You have to see it visually, folks, too. If you're listening to this on iTunes, do yourself a favor and just YouTube Bill Burr, Yoko Ono and find the clip and watch it because the look on Chuck Berry's face is priceless i mean it's priceless chuck berry yoko ono about the beatles and how great this is the video yeah is was whatever you want to say i totally agree with them i think they're the greatest band of all time but i have to be honest with you john lennon and pa Paul McCartney redefined Pussy Whipped. You have to watch this fucking video. John Lennon is singing with Chuck Berry.

Chuck Berry is probably one of the main reasons why John Lennon ever picked up a guitar. Now he's on TV. He gets to play with his idol. They're playing Chuck Berry's hit Memphis. Okay, John Lennon's got Yoko in his fucking band. They're in the middle of singing this song on television.

And they're killing it. It's going great. Yoko's playing some stupid fucking drum. And even though she has no fucking talent whatsoever, he's putting her in the fucking band just so she'll shut the fuck up and stop nagging him. Because he's too much of

a fucking pussy to tell her that she has no talent all right the only reason why you're here yoko is because you're sucking my dick all right no you can't play the bongos but anyway she's up there playing the bongos right so john lennon chuck berry two of the greats of all time harmonizing singing this hit from the 1950s. That's what this moment's about. And Yoko in the middle of it can't handle that she's not getting any shine. She takes the fucking microphone out of the stand, starts playing the bongo. And as they're singing, you know, go, go, Johnny, go, whatever.

She picks up the mic and I swear to God goes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Some fucking crazy shit. I swear to God, goes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Some fucking crazy shit. And you see Chuck Berry's eyes fucking open as wide as they are. And it's that fucking look. Dude, you ever have like a buddy of yours and he's dating some fucking psycho, but he's in love with her. So you can't fucking say anything.

And you're just sitting there waiting for the fucking lightning bolt to hit your friend in the head where he finally realizes that he's dating a psycho cunt. Chuck Berry had that look on his face. Dude, I'm not even exaggerating. That's what the fuck she did. And Chuck Berry's like, what the fuck? And it's kind of like, John, that's your woman. Get her in line. And John Lennon does not even fucking, he doesn't even blink. He just keeps playing and then she does it again later on in that song and then you look at all the other

musicians and they just keep playing the song like Yoko isn't even fucking there and uh I actually get infuriated when I watch this video the fact that John didn't just stop playing in that moment and what he should have done was dressed her down right there you say fine you want to have a fucking moment this is your moment if you ever fucking do that again i will slap you so fucking hard in the head your eyes are going to look like mine you understand me you play that fucking bongo and you shut your face you look like that bitch who crawled out of the fucking well and ring you understand me i don't mean why i'm fucking you i could be fucking anybody. You can't play the bongos.

You can't sing. Shut your fucking face. And then he just walks back up to the mic and just counts the band back in. Right? Isn't that what the fuck

he should have done? That's beautiful. Bingo's here. I told Rogue and I go, anytime we get into a really strong riff together, I'm going to have Bingo lean i told rogue and i go i at uh anytime we get into a like a really strong riff together i'm gonna have bingo lean into the mic and just go

oh my god that's so i went to a yoko ono art exhibit in massachusetts once when i was living in boston they had uh had something set up somewhere. It was the most ridiculous shit. I didn't know what to expect. I was going there hoping that there would be something funny. And I go there, and one of the art pieces

was a block of wood with some nails in it, and there was a box of nails and a hammer. That was the piece of art. And she said that she was encouraging people to participate, and they should pick up a nail and put it into the block of wood. And that was the art.

Yeah. This reminds me of when you went to the wine tasting. Yeah. What kind of super pussy did she have that kept him around? What was going on there? Asian. Is that what it was? I mean, was he just...

She's not even like hot Asian. And it's hard to be not hot and Asian. Yeah. It's difficult. She was gross. She was weird. It was a strange fucking... It's almost like she hypnotized him or something.

You know? Yeah, sometimes when you do, you know, hardcore hallucinogens with someone, maybe you see something in them that no one else can see, even if it's not really there. Maybe it was, this bitch is not going anywhere. Maybe it was one of those. It was like, look, I need someone.

I need to make sure you're going to be around for a long time. Can we bank on this? I don't know, John. I'm like the wind. I go where my conscience takes me. i don't know john i'm like the wind i go where my conscience takes me i don't know i've stayed with chicks that i because i thought there was there's another level to them that i'm not finding yet and you go no you're just a fucking empty shell of a human being it's not like you're not giving me more and you're you're not secret you're you were hoping there was more. Yeah. You were just deluding yourself.

You take that initial infatuation and you're like, oh, convinced that there's something more that you're not giving me. I expect more from my heroes. I just do. It makes me sad. You mean like firemen and shit? No. Like John Lennon. I expect more. I thought you meant me? No, like John Lennon. I expect more.

I thought you meant me. No, not you. No, I mean, I'm very happy with you. I thought you were saying that I let you down by staying with women that were fucking subpar. No, you did an awesome job with everything so far. My issues with John Lennon and Yoko Ono and the fucking block of wood with nails in it. I remember just standing there, sitting there like, what kind of bullshit is this? How is this art?

It's a box of nails and a fucking hammer. Yoko Ono performance. No chance. Is that Dick Cavett? Powerful Dick Cavett. Look at this. Little Esther. powerful dick cavet look at her little Esther I don't understand the fucking words

she's saying we are water she's got a lot of money. She gets her teeth fixed. I wonder if she just starts going... I love that, though. I love it because I have horrible teeth. So I love seeing...

Back then, actors that have great teeth now had these fucking horrible, wrecked fucking mouths. True. 60s and 70s. And, yeah, I miss that. I love being in the UK. Like, I can be ugly as shit and I'll be on TV. Like Jeremy Clarkson?

I don't know who that is. The guy from Top Gear? You never watched that show, Top Gear? Oh, yeah. Is he the fatter, bigger one? The big guy. Yeah. I don't remember his mouth. He's a funny fucking dude. Is he? He's funny, man. Is he the fatter, bigger one? The big guy. Yeah. I don't remember his mouth.

He's a funny fucking dude. Is he? He's funny, man. He's very funny. You don't give a fuck about cars, but the show's not really about cars. Well, in the UK, you don't have the choice of giving a fuck because they only have like nine channels and you're stuck in a hotel all day and you don't want to go out because there's nothing to eat and the fucking beers are overpriced and everyone's surly in the

pub so you watch TV. I watch music videos over there. Someone is a little on the negative side today. Do you feel this? You ever heard the song Down With The Trumpets by Rizzle Kicks? No. That's a fucking, I like it now, because I hated it so much, and I watched the video so many times over five weeks in London

that it became like. Why do you torture yourself with those long tours like that? Like five weeks in London that it became like why do you torture yourself with those long long tours like that five yeah well in the States we've been this year we went back old school and just put a you know me and two other comics and Chaley my road manager and bingo in a van and just went town to town and we had a fucking blast I heard the dude who's opening for you who opened for you the comedy stars really funny junior stop oh he. Oh, he's my new fucking guy. Does he have anything online? It's nothing quality.

No? There's no quality footage, but Junior Stopka. S-T-O-P-K-A. Fucking wicked funny. Is this the video you're on? Nice guy. T-O-P-K-A. P-K-A.

There you go. But when the sun comes out, we're still out of heat. We don't want to be lousy. We're shameless. We're running run low. We're brainless. We're going to cross the river. I like that. Dude, I like that. The internet. That's all right. That was pretty good, man.

I like it. I called Rizzle Kicks down with the trumpets. And that became an obsession with you while you were living? Yeah. The video bothered me. The kids bothered me. Do you know the rules to snooker? No, I don't.

I didn't get that deep. Snooker. I didn't watch darts either. I watched an hour and a half of snooker. I did get into football over there. You mean soccer? Yes. I know.

I have bits that I wrote over there, and I still have to, when I'm doing them over here, stop myself from saying football and say soccer. Yeah. And, you know, those buzzwords. It's like saying nigger over there if you call it soccer. You'll get worse reaction from saying soccer about football on stage in the UK than any racial slur. Really? Soccer, huh? It's fucking football, you fucking cunt. Whoa, whoa. Easy easy that's all they

have it's a smarter football really those guys don't get as much brain damage but problem with american football man is his fucking helmets apparently that's what everybody says that they took off the helmets they wouldn't be slamming heads at each other and they yeah that's why when they say oh rugby is so much harder than football no they don't have a false sense of security like football players do yeah you're you're jarring your melon like that that's not good even if your skull is protected from cracking it's the soft innards that are the issue just the impact alone that's uh it's a weird sort of a thing though to tell people that you would be safer you know you would actually be safer if you had a leather helmet on. People don't want to hear that kind of shit.

That's like that kind of weird logic. Like it would actually be better if drugs were legal. People wouldn't do drugs. Like what the fuck are you saying? If all drugs were legal, I mean, less people would be doing drugs. I've never had more fun driving a car than when I was 16 and didn't have a license and my brother's girlfriend was going to let me drive a car illegally. Yeah.

And now I wish I had that thrill of sitting in traffic. I shouldn't be doing this. Do you remember the thrill of just piloting a car at all, just moving it around and turning and stopping? It was so fun. But when it was illegal, it was the most fun. I don't have a license. I'm driving illegally. We realized my stepmother's Toyota Corolla wagon would turn on with a butter knife.

Like the key. You didn't even need a key. And they'd go out of town and we'd be driving all over. A butter knife? Yeah. Just anything that would fit in that would turn like a screwdriver. How the fuck did someone figure that out? My brother was trying to figure out how to hotwire a car and realized they didn't need to.

Well, that was the thing. They would break off on some cars. They would break off the part where the key goes in and just stick a screwdriver in and just turn it on. Like, instantly. It took like five seconds. Didn't even have to do that. There was some shit designs of cars, I guess. Some of them, they fucking... Now the push-button ones. Now it's probably a pain

in the dick. Yeah. I get a push-button one. I love the push-button. Oh, it's beautiful. Keep the key in your pocket. the dick. Yeah. You want to really try to steal a car. I get a push button one. I love the push button. Oh, it's beautiful. Keep the key in your pocket. Just get in there. You don't have to think about shit. Oh, if you live in Bisbee, you can keep the key right in the car.

What? Probably shouldn't have said that. What if random illegal aliens sneaking across the border? Yeah. By your fluorescent orange fucking house. That's why you have insurance. Oh, there you go. Yeah, fuck them. Fuck them. Look at you. You don't give a house. That's why you have insurance. Oh, there you go. Yeah, fuck him. Fuck him.

Look at you. You don't give a shit. That's gangster. Have you heard of gunging before, Joe? It's a calculated risk. Gunging? Gunging. Do you know what gunging is?

No. Is that that fat Korean guy? No, no. It's when you take a dead lady and you and your friend, you suck on her pussy and the other guy jumps on her stomach shut the fuck up all right just shut the fuck up go to the hospital but i do remember on

the man show using gets everything censored but they had no idea all the new cleveland steamer so we'd throw all those in they didn't because they have no idea what a Dirty Sanchez is. So just any vulgarity. A Dirty Sanchez. Some girl told me that. Yeah, well, you probably did it last night with your story. Are you not allowed to say that anymore? Can you say Cleveland Steamer on TV? But as long as you just keep making up through memes new obscenities, you can just keep saying stuff because they'll never know.

It's so disappointing that the cuss word thing hasn't worked out yet. Just that alone deflates all your faith in humanity. Just the idea that you've created the – you've made a word dirty and now you can't say it. Now it's over forever. And you never get those words back cunt like never makes it just like you know see it on whatever desperate housewives or any kind of show she's a cunt but there is the idea that if if it were completely okay to say it then we kind of lose because then you don't have any expletive when you really want to deliver a thought. You're a fucking cunt. And if cunt was an okay word

to say, then what are you going to say to make someone upset when you want to hurt their feelings? Call them a fucking dummy. Just saying, there is a... I wouldn't miss it. If cunt lost its impact, I'd be fine with dummy or fuckface or stupid head.

That actually makes it easier. Then you'd have to go after them aesthetically. You're unpleasing to the eye. Well, you wouldn't have. Just their personality sucks a fat dick. You're boring. You could never insult me more. You're boring. Oh, that's my biggest fear you tapped into it there was shouldn't have said that either there was a dude once i'll

never forget this i was watching like one of those jenny jones shows and there was a girl and she was on with her mother and her mother was upset because the girl was dressed in trashy and uh this uh the girl was like i don't give a fuck. Like a beep, whatever in your mother. Beep, say. You know, I know I look good. I know I look good. And some guy got up and he goes, the problem is it's all about your personality.

He goes, if you had some pizzazz, maybe you would pull that off. But your personality sucks. And that make you look nasty. I'll never forget him saying that because your personality sucks and that make you look nasty and the place just fell out because it's like black people have a certain way of saying things and they say things and they know how to phrase it that they know at the end of that sentence everyone around them's gonna go oh shit oh shit because when he did it it was like he was like an actor like he was in a movie like he had the perfect line he practiced it for weeks because your personality sucks and

that made you look nasty and when he said nasty like he knew it was coming he knew it was coming everybody behind him like the whole crowd just went nuts and that girl was like damn this motherfucker just dressed me down and called me out it was beautiful i played my first black room the other day doug it was a casino and uh it was uh i was the only white comic and i thought it was going to be like a regular black club but it was a bingo and a slot place and so it was just like 60 year olds and up for the most part and like in those little crickets or whatever the little wheelchairs and i go you know i'm a dirty fucking comic and she's like the mc was like don't worry you know who cares they love dirty material i'm like and the whole thing uh got broadcast throughout the whole casino. So everyone in the casino could hear it.

Oh, no. And so the first person comes up and she's like, you know, like taking questions like, have you ever met, you know, Will Smith or something like that? And they're just talking about it. And then they're like, oh, and here's Brian Redband. I come out and start talking and doing pussy jokes and cum jokes. And, man, that was the most horrible fucking set I've ever done in my life. They didn't laugh at all there was there was little pockets where you could tell there was like one or two people

that were like getting it you know and then most of the people at least enjoying the discomfort much more likely yeah the staff told me they loved it they said they were cracking their ass off but that was probably because they were laughing at me having to do all this in front of it but and how did the old people, did anybody yell at you? No, no one. Actually, no one just said anything. One of the ladies in the crickets or whatever they're called did leave, and I don't know where she went.

Me and Becker played a bus once in our early days in the early 90s. In Minnesota, there was a bus that would take people from Minneapolis to the Indian Casino like an hour and a half away, and they'd hire a comedian. Did you just walk up and down the aisle with a cordless mic no we dared each other we're both gonna do it one time and I was up first and we got in the bus we see the people getting on and they're elderly not just old they're elderly and I'm like I have even if I did clean material it has no reference to them.

They wouldn't even understand what Columbia House Record and Tape Club is. Right, right. So I go, you have to do this. I can't do this. And I'm in a sheer panic. I'm like, flop sweats just thinking about watching them go on the bus. And he's like, no, you're going first. Becker's a ball buster.

No, it's you. It's your turn. Good luck, buddy. And I get on, and, you're going first. Becker's a ball buster. No, it's you. It's your turn. Good luck, buddy. And I get on, and they give me the mic, and I look at Becker. He's sitting in the stairwell of the bus, and I go, all right, I'm stealing your act. Here, count.

I go, count. I'll give you a dollar for every one of the jokes of yours I use, and I did Becker's act. I used to sell doorbells door to door i ring the doorbell they answer the door i go out next house fitzsimmons and i got a gig once when we were um hired by a company they wanted comedians to just walk around this aquarium and make funny things and talk to people and be funny like and we were like, well, what's the parameters? What should we do?

Well, just be funny. Go around and be funny. So Greg, this was in Greg's young, angry days. No, they're still here. I did his podcast a few weeks ago, and he was about to get into a fistfight with the owner of the place he rents his studio from. Really? As he's coming in, I'm like, hi.

And he's like, fuck you. Yeah, you want to fucking go? I'll fuck you. Really? As he's coming in, I'm like, hi. And he's like, fuck you. Yeah, you want to fucking go? I'll fuck you. Really? And walks right past me and goes, hey. Like, he didn't even recognize me. He's just boiling mad. Like, you don't see.

Wow. That's crazy sauce. But anyway, back to his earlier angry days. He just, there was like, it was the opening of this aquarium or opening of an exhibit, I guess. And so they had like food out there and people were walking around plates. And Greg would just walk up to people and take food off their plates and eat it right in front of them. Like that was what he thought was funny. He's so nice.

He's a great guy. He's a great guy. Look, he just tries to, he was trying to be funny. He was trying to push the envelope. He was trying to get a guy to go What the fuck man, what are you doing? But he did it to this guy And this guy was so defeated The guy goes, you're an asshole

And he did it like that You're an asshole And he just walked away And I go, hey man You can't be taking food from people Is he in a bondage? I was just trying to joke around I thought it would be fun to joke around

Is he in a bondage? Does he like to be spanked and tied up and stuff? That's Duncan That's Duncan Duncan's in a bondage? I'm just trying to joke around. I thought it would be fun to joke around. Is he in a bondage? Does he like to be spanked and tight? That's Duncan. That's Duncan. Duncan's into ball gags and shit. He goes, I'm not into it. I've experienced it. I'm not into it, man.

Don't stop saying I'm into it. That is not me. I love that. And then he told me that one time. He said, I was joking, man. You didn't know I was joking. I'm like, dude, no, you weren't. And they're like, that's total back to ball gags and shit.

Wearing diapers and stuff. Well, maybe. Yeah, I'd draw the line. I'm into that stuff too, but I'd draw the line at diapers. Yeah, that seems a little silly. That seems unnecessary too. You got to try it, Brian. Trust me, man.

Trust me. It's great. Hey, everybody. I'm wearing a diaper. Brian, trust me, man. Trust me. It's great. Hey, everybody.

I'm wearing a diaper. Duncan is another place on the spectrum that you wouldn't have known existed if it wasn't for Duncan. You know, you wouldn't have known there's a Duncan Trussell out there. I fucking love Duncan. He's amazing. You know, he just had a cancer surgery. Oh, that's right. How did that go?

He said he feels better than he's ever felt before. goes it goes turns out having cancer makes you feel like shit the cancer on now he feels great he had one of his nuts removed now is it okay somebody told me he said he's shooting something the biggest job most giant loads he's ever had in his life yeah I said his dick is hard like like like high school-style boners like like apparently his whole body was fucked because one of his balls had shut down and it was going funky on him yeah I just went through a ball ball thing right when that happened yeah I did this crazy flight to get diamond status and I didn't know if his flight related I flew from Tucson to Johannesburg to Amsterdam to Vegas back home through Salt Lake.

And just to get 23,000 miles in 72 hours. And what happened to your balls? But on the last flight, I just started getting this fucking wicked ball pain in my left nut. And then by the second day, I could get it, it was okay. But if I got up to stand up, it would just almost floor me, like tears in my eyes. Whoa. Like someone twisting the fucking back, you know, that back cord on your nut. Holy shit.

And so I don't go to doctors unless it's necessary but i did tweet about it i guess how i get my medical advice to go on twitter and go hey my ball really hurts did you pull your groin so i got uh the the doctor that's always on o and a dr oz yeah wait no no dr steve dr steve yeah. Dr. Oz. So he walked me through. He said, it's almost definitely this. So I had a friend who brought over some antibiotics that had been sitting in their cupboard. So what did he say? It was almost definitely. I forget.

Epidemic. It begins with an E. And it ends with an ITS. So you never went to a doctor. You just talked to Dr. Steve. Yeah, I talked to Dr. Steve and found a lady in town that had some stashed antibiotics. I didn't take the full run, but – Well, you have to do that.

Yeah, yeah. You're going to cause AIDS. You're going to cause super AIDS. Do you know the whole deal? You know. You're not dumb. You know the whole deal behind that, right? right like the antibiotics the reason why you have to take the full dose yeah yeah you create stronger strains of bacteria to the point where they

can't be treated that's where MRSA comes from yeah well it's in my balls and I don't really fuck anymore so I figure it's safe you say that but it could get out they can creep out of your underwear in the middle of the night crawl down near your ankles and then fucking jump free when they're close to the ground. Then you're walking through tall grass like, it's time to make our move. It's like a heartburn commercial. Jump off and then they jump on a baby. It's still living on my jockstrap because I

said, well, make sure you're wearing something supportive. I was wearing a jockstrap that I'm still wearing and haven't washed. This is two and a half weeks later, but when it was in full bloom like i couldn't push a piss i'd piss but when i get to the you know end part so yeah i am wearing a filthy to this day yeah why in this chair why why to keep my balls close to me i'm scared you just get a little ball pain yeah. So my balls hang so badly.

Do they hang bad? Ridiculous. Some underwear just one size too tight. I did that, but I still am wearing the jockstrap just to be safe. And you don't wash this thing? You just keep washing it? I haven't because I didn't want to be without it for a laundry cycle. You need to go to a doctor.

It's like my teddy bear now. You need to go to Duncan's doctor. It's like my pig pen blanket that I won't give up. It's your gawky. Oh, no. Maybe you should just buy more of them, though. Like, who's that guy that... Yeah, I should.

I should do a lot of things. I should listen to the fucking McAfee Rogan podcast. I've been busy. I've been dealing with fucking legal briefs. Yeah, is this because you... Well, you can't say. Yeah, I'll talk, but after. After, yeah, we'll have to discuss this

because the whole thing is pretty fucking hilarious. It is wicked fucking funny to hear. You're not involved, you don't do any more that trolling for pedophile shit that you used to do? No. Baiting.org? No, but it's mentioned in the legal brief. Is it really?

Yeah, I'll show you. Oh, that this is like uh standard characteristics of mr stanhope yeah but at the end i mean as long as you can talk about it on stage it's so worth it whatever you have to pay yeah oh no there's footage that we that we need to get released it's on tape it's fucking complete chris hansen caught on tape. Wow, that's hilarious. That is hilarious. That's funny. Okay, we can't talk about this.

We're wasting our fucking time here. Do something you have planned. I have to piss really, really bad. Okay, you go ahead and piss really, really bad. Go to break. We're going to talk about school shootings. We're going to cheer everybody up. Go down the first door on the right-hand side.

So, you know the – Is that Crystal Head Vodka? Huh? Is this Crystal Head Vodka? No. It's just like a skull. There's these tests to do like MDMA, Molly. You could test the purity of it.

And I forget what it was. It's like if it turns blue, it's pretty good. It's pretty pure. If it turns purple, it's amazing. If it starts smoking, it's like you know if it turns blue it's pretty good you know it's pretty pure it turns purple it's amazing if it starts smoking it's a hundred like almost 100 pure mdma so the stuff i did last night was smoking and like this rich billionaire guy who parties like every day he he's just like come to my mansion later if you want to we have a party every night like it's crazy but uh wait a minute hold on slow down you shitty storyteller. Who is this rich billionaire? Where are you when you're meeting this guy?

What's going on? No, this is through another person. Oh, through a secret person. Yeah, a secret person. Okay, so secret person knows rich billionaire who likes to party. Yeah. Rich billionaire, somehow or another gets secret person some molly. MDMA.

Which is 100% pure water. 100% pure. Is that the stuff that gives you no headaches? Right, right. It's pretty much ecstasy. It's just the stuff that gives you no headaches? Right, right. Is that what you're behind it? Right. It's pretty much ecstasy with just, it's just pure ecstasy. It has nothing else in it. So you take this stuff.

So I take this stuff and immediately I had to like, like just close my eyes, fall to the ground. Like every single pore in my body felt like there was just like, like cum coming out of every single hole of my body. Fucking amazing. Really? Yeah. Yeah. How much did you take?

How many pills? Do you know like a dose? Just the body. Fucking amazing. Really? Yeah. How much did you take? How many pills? Do you know a good dose? Just the one. Two each. See, that's the problem with ecstasy. It's the same thing, the problem that exists with medical marijuana. It's like your dosage.

Who the fuck knows what your dosages are? If you buy a cookie, a medical marijuana cookie, you're really taking a crazy giant risk. You really have no idea. The way Red Band described it is he has some kind of test who knows what scientist gave him the information but if you you apply this whatever to the ecstasy if it turns blue he was just telling us that he did while you were peeing yeah he was just telling us that yeah yeah that's scientific as fuck that's like a mood ring a mood ring for heroin yes

but it's crazy because i i got to i thought your show was at a different theater last night so i was like oh it's at the pantages theater so i got the hotel right across the street from it and of course it was the wrong theater but that it was just how awesome how that worked out they're like uh uh do you want a king-size room bed i'm like yeah sure king-size bed and like uh you here for business or pleasure i'm like oh we got the show across the street and stuff like that she goes oh well let me upgrade you from one entertainment performer he goes i'm a comic and she goes and then let me upgrade you yeah and so we got like the pants repeating like the puff daddy suite yeah you told us this already rapper sweet yeah but i was off there i just oh

okay sorry yeah um, that's funny that you thought it was the wrong place. You're so fucked up. Like, learn with theater. It's a name. It's a different name. Right.

One starts with a P. Why do I think Pantages? One starts with a W. I don't know because it's been on my website for fucking six months. Because you love the song Chucky's in Love

by Ricky Lee Jones and that's where Chucky was sitting behind us down at the Pantages. Chucky's in love, yeah, yeah. But apparently her voice is shot in. She has something called Morgellons. Do you know what Morgellons is?

Wait, hang on. Let me get a pen. Is it terminal? No. I need my death pill. I've got to get my death pill picks ready for 2013. Morgellons is what they think is a crazy person's disease. They don't know what the fuck this is.

But apparently it's fibers that are embedded in people's skin, and you can pull them out. Not only can you pull them out, but somehow or another they're related to nanotechnology, and they actually vibrate with music. Like eight out of ten of them. Has Jesse Ventura looked into this? A lot of people have looked into this. It sounds crazy, but it's actually... Are you telling me there's fibers that react to music?

You're telling me that the Pentagon was hit by a plane and there's fibers in her arm? As a former governor, why am I not allowed to just walk into the CIA and go through your files? I'm a Navy SEAL. Why can't I go to Area 51? Pull up pictures of Morgellons. It's a skin disorder. These people get these horrible rashes on their skin.

Morgellons. Morgellons disease. Well, Joni Mitchell has it. Some famous baseball player has it. If you look at the images, people have pictures of this shit. It's really strange. They're these tiny fibers.

And these people, they have like scabs on their skin. And these fibers grow out of their scabs. You see that shit? Well, there's doctors that have like, you know, I mean, they've done tests on these things. They don't know what the fuck they are. And they think that it's related to nanotechnology. And with nanofibers and clothing clothing all these different things that they can self assemble somehow under the the right circumstances they can self assemble and when they do um the

problem is these things are moving and dividing and growing inside someone's skin i hate when you're smart that's not smart this is repeating shit that smart people figure out. I know. I hate that you remember all that shit. I read a book about something smart, it's gone. As soon as I shut the book, my fucking head is completely empty again. I find that documentaries, for whatever reason, I can remember things more from documentaries. Exactly.

And I've always used that argument about people who are fucking, oh, well, you pick up a book every now and then. I don't remember it. Visual, you know, I see something on TV. It sticks in my head more. It's a more engaging medium. It's like what I was talking about last night when people talked to you about Game of Thrones. Like, oh, you should read the book. Oh, you should read the book.

There's so much better. I'm like, how the fuck could it be better? I'm looking at naked people and dragons. How could it be better if i'm reading you're telling me that's better you're full of shit you're full of shit it's not as engaging i do i do find it reading helps my creative process because it forces you to imagine and so it's better for writing if i read something i agree. What's the fucking great documentary guy? One of Herzog? No, no.

He's a British guy. The Age of Fuck. Campbell? Joseph Campbell? Hannigan, are you listening? Text me. No, he... What's it about?

The Age of Self. That was a three-part series. Fuck. Oh, I know what you're part series Fuck Is it Chris something? Never mind Age of Self Century of Self BBC Yeah what's his name?

He's fucking brilliant Hold on a second I'll find out It's a Was it a BBC show? Century of Self BBC Robert Wyatt Hold on a second. I'll find out. It's a... Was it a BBC show? Yeah, yeah. No. Century of Self, BBC.

Robert Wyatt. Is that his name? What? No. No. It's not. Adam Curtis? Yeah, that's it.

Adam Curtis. Adam Curtis. Oh, crap. That guy puts out some really good shit. Does he? Yeah. There's so many guys out there now putting out some really good shit. This is like really

really interesting times you know between like like like neil degrasse tyson is like the first like mainstream celebrity new scientist and it's cool because he's black he's black and he's funny you know he's black he's funny he's relaxed he has to have an earpiece too just no no he's fucking he's a real he's a real fucking super genius. He's cool as shit, man. That guy's badass. Hennigan, Adam Curtis texted. Bam.

Boom. Perfection. Say, hey, Sussman, text me something. Sussman? He doesn't really text that much. He's not really a texter. I'm just how he's pitting my manager against your manager. Your manager wins in that circumstance but google beat your manager so well that's what

people you try to put red band against chaley i'll put i'll lay money on that as far as yeah what were you bread lay money on chaley my guy is this is over i'm calling back to our last podcast right yeah doing and what doing what? Whatever I was talking about, and you said, oh, fucking no, there's no way he's as good as Red Band. Wait a minute, you think your podcast guy,

whatever the fuck your guy is, is as good as this motherfucker? As good, all arounding, tour managing, podcasting, sound. Listen, that's a slave. You have a slave. Brian's not a slave.

He's a specialist. No, this guy's a specialist. He's a podcast master slash tech wizard slash silly bitch. He does it a slave. He's a specialist. No, this guy's a specialist. He's a podcast master slash tech wizard slash silly bitch. See, he's actually entertaining. He's on the show. He helps the show out. Your guy can suck it. No way he's as good.

Your guy's not as good. Your guy's not as good as Red Band. Red Band has 70,000 Twitter followers for a reason because he's beautiful. Look at him. He's awesome. Couldn't do without that motherfucker. Don't you tell me your guy's as good as him. You guys are goddamn slaves.

My guy couldn't open the show. You guys are washing your car. I got hate mail. This guy's a specialist. He's an artist. He's disrespectful to you right now. I feel very disrespectful. I just want him to bet. You started it. I was not.

I never. I just said he was the best. What's the bet? Well, listen. We'll give all the money to the homeless porno stars or something. Okay, we'll give all the money to Brian. Yeah, Brian can do comedy. The problem with my tour manager is everyone hates him.

He dresses goofy like me when we go on the road. tour manager, is everyone hates him. He dresses goofy like me when we go on the road. We went and bought me and Junior Stopka and Carlos Valencia and Bingo and Chaley all on the road. We stopped. We saw Pimp, like original Kings of Comedy suit store. Nice. So I went in and we bought everybody, including Bingo. Big, long shoulders and everything.

Wide shoulders. Yeah. We all got white except for Junior. He's the only – because they're all built for fat people. Right, right. So the rest of us are small. So we had to get white with different – I had pink and Chaley got black and Carlos got purple. Junior's like six foot something.

He looks just like the Indian from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. He looks like a retarded Mitch Hedberg, like a misshapen Mitch Hedberg, long stringy hair. And she got aqua blue. But Chaley, like he'll dress like me in these ridiculous leisure suits, but somehow people take him seriously. And I get a hate mail from him just going up to introduce the show. Welcome to the show. Turn off your cell phones. We have a great show for you tonight. And someone emailed me.

And that first guy with the fucking weird mustache, he fucking sucked. He introduced the show. Yeah, but people know when someone sucks even when they're just introducing someone. Okay, your guy can't fuck with him. This guy gets standing ovations when he goes on stage. How dare you? How dare you pit your slave up against my master craftsman? Oh, no, my guy's a fucking, he can play any bass.

How dare you? My guy can play any bass in the game. Yeah, go play in a fucking band, stupid. Go play in your band. Oh, he can do that, too. How dare you play any bass? He's in a band. Yeah, yeah.

He's in a band. My song I wrote, Olive Garden Butthole, has been remade five times. It's huge in Germany. It gets paid. It's almost as big as David Hasselhoff. He fucking works security. Yeah, that's good wrote, Olive Garden Butthole, has been remade five times. It's huge in Germany. It gets paid. It's almost as big as David Hasselhoff. He fucking works security. Yeah, that's good for him, man. He's delivering newspapers, too.

That guy's a slave. You got a slave. You're taking a slave and you're putting him up against a specialist. That's ridiculous. Brian Redband's legit. How dare you, sir? How dare you? He's mad.

Doug's just mad at me. Well, he treats this guy like a slave. He's wearing old underwear. Doug's just mad at me. Well, he treats this guy like a slave. He's wearing a little underwear. I'm just promoting my guy. He sends the guy out. He sends the guy out to go fucking take gum off his tires and shit. Hey, Death Squad, I hope that at Junior Stopka has 50,000 fucking Twitter followers by now. Well, I don't even think.

I'm glad you heard about that organically. Yes, totally organically. Everybody was talking about it. Apparently, he fucking killed the comedy store. A lot of people saying this is this big guy, crazy hair, I guess. Yeah, like Hedberg, but stringy Indian version. I just started following him on Twitter. I advise you do the same.

We're only at 1,134 fucking followers. I think by the end of this show, we can at least get him up to 2,000. I'm not asking for a crazy amount. That's a reasonable request, ladies and gentlemen. Go follow them. It's Junior Stopka, S-T-O-P-K. And the fucking dude looks funny. Stop like stop sign and K-A.

You know, I repeated what you did earlier. You didn't add the A earlier. And I asked you if there was an A. And you said, yeah. And then I did the same fucking thing. Because I'm, see, that's what I'm good at. I'm good at repeating shit. I'm stupid. it's a fucking ruse ladies and gentlemen but uh there's a picture of junior sopkin his twitter following he's smoking a cigarette and his hair is long and

pulled behind his ears two shitty choices in life he really has no choice what to do with his hair you know you see his hair and you go that's just gonna lay like that no matter what unless he got a giant crazy perm unless he got some like like eddie bravo spiky thing going on maybe he could do that do you know possum man no all right but he looks he looks kind of like possum man for you uh hardcore hedberg fans what is possible possum man is that junior stopker right there as junior yeah well that's a face and a half right there, son. Holy shit. Is he part Korean?

Hey, he's not going to bite you. The fuck? Is he part Korean or part Frisbee? No, he's just straight up retarded. He's great. He is so fucking good. Where'd you pick him up? Chicago.

Yeah, is that? Did you work for Ritter ever? No. All right. One of the things I was saying, I did this bunch of interviews yesterday because my new special just came out and I had to do a bunch of these things. But one of the things I was saying was that like a real network, like Death Squad, like we actually have a network. And it's not official. It's not like written down in a contract form or anything.

But what it is is there's a network of people that are really funny, and they're all connected with each other. And if I tell you about Duncan Trussell, it's because Duncan Trussell's hilarious. If I say, hey, go listen to Bill Burr, I'm not steering you wrong. I'm telling you about really hilarious shit, and that's what I heard about this Junior Stavka kid. I'm like, Doug Stanhope's taking him on the road with him. He's got to be funny. And then it was like, this guy's hilarious. And then, boom, it's this Junior Stavka kid. I'm like, Doug Stanhope's taking him on the road with him. He's got to be funny. And then it was like, this guy's hilarious. And then, boom, it's like everybody's talking about him.

Ari tells me about him. Duncan tells me about him. A couple people tell me about him. And it's like, I love that. I love that that is a real network, is that comics are getting support from all these other – like you're greenlighting them. You know what I mean?

You're like, this kid's green lit well we took him on the road for his first legitimate road trip so so to watch with new eyes what you used to be so excited about and you're so bored with i'm not bored with it no i'm saying the just the minutiae of him getting a free drink at a bar, that kind of thing. Not exactly that. Bingo had to show him how to use a roller bag because he didn't know how the – he couldn't figure out the button part of it to make the handle go down. He went to a military website to learn how to fold clothes properly to put in – to pack. Can we play some of his shit online? Yeah. Can we play some of his shit online? Yeah, let's play some of his shit.

I've never found anything where the audio is any good. That's Brian being silly. No. Is that the real sound? He's got two YouTube things open. Do you got another YouTube thing open? Yeah, he's got Rizzle Kicks. What are you listening to? That was the Rizzle Kicks.

Please cancel that. That's killing our bandwidth, son. I see a lady reverse following me. She's in front of me. Oh, this sounds such. Yeah, it's nothing good on YouTube. Well, you know, that was me until I put out my first CD. I didn't have anything good out there, you know?

It's funny that you and I, we never would really think of, you don't want to think that somehow or another we're from a different era, but we really are. Oh, fuck yeah. We came up in the era of no internet. Yeah, we had to send a VHS tape to a club to get booked. It's hard to really wrap my head. Sitting here in this office that we're renting out just to do the internet,

you know, with Brian and everybody attached to us, our whole lives completely different just because of the internet. Is it Jim? This guy right here, that's Jamie. Jamie, all right. Well, it's Brian guy right here? That's Jamie. Jamie. All right. Well, it's Brian and I, and then you motion to him. I'm waiting for someone to say his name so I don't call him that guy. I didn't even mean him.

I meant like all the people that were there in the beginning of this whole craziness. It's like it's all because of me. I need to back up just for – Okay. Oh, what was the giggle? Yeah. Yeah, the giggle was that that wasn't hennigan that texted me so oh i can't put hennigan against sussman anymore because i just assumed some guy that has my number you can't

put hennigan against sussman because hennigan would probably crack under pressure and sussman's got fucking antifreeze in his veins trust me yeah but fertilizer that's the reason why you call sussman has other clients brian works solely for me. You know how many clients he's got? How many? One. Really? Yeah. You have the same deal?

No, he's got one other client. Oh. No shit. Yeah. There's another guy who's a director. He's pretty low maintenance, but it's three people in the entire agency. All right. Beautiful.

Yeah, they don't fuck around. Sussman's the cleaner. He was fucking strong on the mansion. he's wrong about a lot of shit too though he told me not to have the fleshlight sponsor the podcast oh yeah he doesn't like me talking about this yeah brian brian talked me into doing that oslo dvd so what was wrong with the oslo dvd i didn't like it it was fucking brand new material that if i did that same material nine six months later even it would have been a fucking great, great. Yeah.

Honestly, that wasn't one of my favorites of yours. No, I hated it. But, you know, and I worry sometimes when someone puts out something that like, man, like maybe like they're losing enthusiasm or their health's not good. But then you came back with before turning the gun on himself. Holy shit. Was that good? In my car, listening, clapping, and laughing while I'm driving. That's what we did when we listened to your fucking Jamie Kilstein podcast.

We were in the van with Junior and Carl. We were jumping out of our fucking van seats like fucking unruly children going to a special school. Well, you never even saw the Jamie Kilstein delusion videotape that this kid Brandon, a.k.a. the Mischief Maker on YouTube put out. Kilstein went on his podcast after. Oh, yeah. No, I did see that on YouTube. That was fucking crazy. Yeah.

And that was sad. There's two parts, too. I don't know if you ever watched it. Yeah, I can't watch the rest of it. It's just sad. It ran its course. Yes, it ran its course. And he was talking about it recently on a stage,

and he said that he was on a news channel. I mean, the way he described the situation was that he was on a news station and that he was saying that rape is bad and that he got all this hate from the Internet. I was like, wow, you talk about like painting a fucking biased picture of what actually happened you know the idea to me is gonna this is gonna drive me crazy to the end of time and one of the things i loved about bill burr there was a video that i saw of paul provenza show the green room and bill burr was on there with um liz winstead and they were debating back and forth about the whole tracy morgan thing and he's like what was this the best stenographer in the history of the world his fucking guy

Remembers exactly what he says after a whole hour set he can tell you exactly the word for word what this guy said and the Context in which he said it get the fuck out of here You know and I was like thank you and then the other was on the green room. Yeah Yeah, yeah, and I've so loved that bill did that but the other thing you know the other part – That was on the green room? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I so love that Bill did that. But the other thing that drives me crazy about this whole shit like the Tracy Morgan thing that relates to this is that everybody wants to pretend that there's not an art form in saying unbelievably ridiculous shit that you don't really mean. Yeah. It's a fucking art form. It's just like nwa talking

about shooting cops they're not really shooting cops okay they used to be in a fucking band where they did like disco okay you know they're just this is an art form this is what they're trying to sell and with a guy like tracy morgan or a guy like brian holtzman or dice have you had holtzman on no we gotta we gotta locate him apparently he him. Apparently he's a meter mate or something. Yeah, but you said he was just out since the fucking Newtown shooting, talking about it at the comedy store. I didn't say that. No, I didn't say that.

I thought you were saying he was like, those kids were bad. No, no, that was Susan Smith. He was talking about the woman who drowned. I thought he was out doing like. Oh, he would. I'm sure he has. They banned him from the comedy store after 9-11 for like a week because they knew he'd say the bad, bad thing. He was saying the bad, bad things.

The Susan Smith thing, that was the woman who drowned her kids. Yeah, yeah. I remember. No, that wasn't me. All right. I heard a half a conversation. Oh, okay. And I assumed when you said – and he's up there on stage saying these are bad bad

kids anyway i get assumed like people like liz winstead in that video that that shit infuriates me the idea that you're going to pretend that this is a statement of his opinions and not a ridiculous top she created the daily show she's a very intelligent woman i know but what's her roots she's a stand-up she started out as a stand-up Chelsea Handler where did you come from again she's a good comic man she was a very good comic I always never heard of her ever as a comic oh I knew her I knew her from the store you know I always respected her as a comic I think I should be great to get hammered with yeah she's a badass bitch man she's a badass bitch she's really legit and so is Liz Winston she's legit to me and she's really brilliant but she also like a lot of brilliant man she's a badass bitch she's legit and so is liz winstead she's legit too i

mean she's really brilliant but she also like a lot of brilliant people she's like incredibly like rigid and stubborn in her ideas and this idea that you know you know look there's a weird idea that if you're in somehow or another making fun of anything gay or somehow or another making fun of anything that has to do with women that you you somehow or another especially coming from the point of view of a white male which is like we are judged as always being the the most fucked up in our beliefs the least deserving of any any slack you know the white male is like the real problem in this society so when a white male is making fun of you know and gays or women and so all of a sudden you are anti-gay or all of a sudden you're anti-

women it's completely ridiculous and i could see the fact that a lot of people feel like there's some some back work to be made up when it comes to like the gay community like there's some like some damage that needs to be covered because it must Absolutely suck to be gay and have to deal with all these fucking people that have an issue with what your natural Desires are with a bunch of other people that are the same natural desires are with the same natural desires It's so stupid so I can see this wanting to protect and defend them But you can't pretend that someone just fucking around is being serious because then you ruin the whole point you're making because the whole point you're making,

you're making about real people in real life. When Tracy Morgan is like, my son was gay, I stabbed that little nigga. He's not being serious. You're confusing an art form with real life, with the real statements of real life. Well, he is serious in the fact that his child would be a nigger. I mean, technically. He doesn't use the R.

Don't you understand? Well, maybe he's from Boston. Oh. No, I said nigger, not nigger. The idea that a comic would step up and try to say, like a guy joking around with hecklers about rape is supporting rape culture. I know. God damn it.

Yeah, there's stuff that will never not make me fucking recoil. Boil with chimpanzee rage. Just fucking wild dick biting rage that's the real rage not human rage you don't you have a lot less rage i said i was watching you last night i go joe has like this whole human aspect to him now i think it might might have been when you uttered the word well now i'm a father and you didn't like go like normally a comic says now i'm a father you go oh i never want to hear you again right yeah louis ck's that made it okay to not go down that her babies are like little drunk people i would have never gone that road anyway no i always felt like there was like for a minute i wasn't afraid of you

you just seemed like nicer i've always been nice man i just look i've developed in a very fucked up way you know if you you look if i look back in my own life, the time when I was in high school, the most important time, all I was doing was fighting. My entire high school life, all throughout my 20s, into 22 years old, the early 20s, all I did was martial arts. It's all I did. So I was just wired for this really crazy reality. It took a long time for me to like let that

go took a long time to like really and then come off of DEF CON 4 you know let's bring it to 3 well yeah I could never do that because I'm physically I'm not there's no amount of training in the world but I would try to get smarter and learn a lot of things so i could repeat things you're fucking you but i can't do it anymore now i read a book it's fucking gone we gotta get you some alpha brain get him a box jayme some before take it take it with you it worked as good as that fucking i'm up in it or whatever you're promoting i'm up in it what is it on it on it it's the same thing alpha brain is from on it. It doesn't work with you.

It has a battle. The battle is... My dick and my brain are having a battle for who can be the tortoise in the race. Who can be the tortoise? Just take 20 of them all together in one shot. I'm going to take them home with me. The first time I did your podcast, we fucking promoted your fleshlight. I'm going home with one of these.

Nope. No, Joe Rogan. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nothing in my fucking stocking but coal. I should have brought... podcast we fucking promoted your fleshlight i'm going home with one of these nope no no no no nothing in my fucking stocking but cold i i should have brought if you just reminded me i have a box i'm bringing listen listen i if if it's anything like bingo's vagina the fleshlight will just sit there and grow hair because it's unused oh have you completely given up on intercourse? Yeah, pretty much. Unless we're doing a lot of drugs. Drugs still bring out some horny in me.

Yeah, like the scratchy horny? No, just like, oh, I feel an urge, so I might as well capitalize. And then, yeah, it's seconds and it's over. We tried to fuck once in Oregon, I remember. And it was so like stupid and pathetic we just burst into fucking laughter and rolled over like all right let's just ride this out wow that's amazing but i if again if i if you talk to a younger me and said yeah i remember you saying it oh the day i don't want to fuck anymore is the day I'm dead. That's me today. I'm still the same way.

In my 30s, even then it was still kind of fun if someone wanted to fuck you on the road and they're hot and it was quick and easy. You should go to a ball doctor. But that was more about ego than actual. Right. But again, I don't miss it. The road pussy was like, keep and score. It's like, yes, I'm successful. It's like fucking Redman today, showing pictures.

Easy, easy. What happens off the podcast stays off the podcast. Omerta. I didn't say about last night. I meant from another time. Another age, era before cell phones. There's a drawing on his phone. Yeah, I know what you about last night. I meant from another time. Another age era before cell phones. There's a drawing on his phone.

Yeah, I know what you're talking about. Look, at the end of the day, it's not an essential value. You don't need to fuck. And a lot of it is absolutely pointless. And a lot of it is winning. It's a fucking, yeah. Yeah, it's a score thing, sure. And it's also like a reinforcement, knowing that people find you attractive and still want to fuck you.

And when you actually touch a girl's pussy – People offer me drugs on the road. It's because they love you. Hey, you want to smoke a joint? I go, I don't smoke. But the day people stop asking, I'm going to – Right. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The day people stop wanting to fuck you that's like that sad thing where milfs are dropping hints well we don't you know yeah i have to stay here oh we could get out of here i mean i'm just saying the worst is when uh chicks that you would never fuck in a million years like oh yeah but they're your age so you should be fucking them and you're like i feel really bad that I just realized that I should be fucking someone like you. Have you ever run into one of your old girlfriends and she's like 45 now? Oh, it's terrible.

It's the fucking worst. That have lived a normal Massachusetts life. They're the lunch lady now. That's the fucking lunch lady shoveling snow makes you age three times as fast i just got divorced i got married when i was 20 years old to a girl i knew for two weeks that was my secretary in fraud telemarketing and we it was a drunken goof vegas you know all right let's go get. And so now I just got divorced finally because I know it's on paper out there. Did you have to pay or anything?

No, no. I think married to another guy. She was a psychotic. She was like really a pathological liar, fucking crazy. But she was great in bed. But she was like 12 years older than me. She was great in bed? No, no.

No? No, she was like evil crazy. bed? No, she was evil crazy. She might have shot up Sandy Hook. The point is, she was 11 years older than me and not really attractive at that point. Now that means

I was married to a 57-year-old woman. Like if I saw her, I'm like, that's my wife. I wish I could have seen her to go, I'm married to her. I remember before I ever met you, I saw photos of you. I think that before I ever met you, people were telling me you were really funny. And I saw a picture of you at the Houston laugh stop.

And you had long, sexy hair. Long, beautiful hair. And I was like, look at this asshole with his long hair. You tell me this guy's funny? Everybody's like, I'm telling you, this Doug Stanhope guy's really funny. You said something once, and I repeat it all the time on the podcast. We had a conversation, and you were a little lit up while we were talking on the phone, and said i could give up comedy but i couldn't give up comics yeah no i fucking say that sober too i miss comics so much it's just such an ease about being around them that's why the fucking

industry in the green room was like such a vulture you just fucking just leech off of... Is that you? Oh, yeah. That doesn't even look like you. That was 1995. God, that doesn't even look like you. I bought that suit at a thrift store for the finals of the San Francisco Comedy Competition. That's not even your fucking head. That's my face. That's weird. That's like when you see Charlize Theron. No, not Charlize Theron.

Who's the other chick? Yeah, Charlize Theron in the, not Charlize Theron. Who's the other chick? Yeah, Charlize Theron in Sleeping Beauty when they make her look like she's 20 again. Oh. We're just looking at pictures of Doug Stanton. There you go. Okay. Look at his album coming out. Unfortunately, Google's not.

This is great. I think the first time I saw you, though, was at that little place. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And my mother was performing. That was that little place that was on Sunset, right? Yeah. It was beside the place that was cool. Yeah.

That Jay Davis ran. Yeah. I forget the name of that place. Jay Davis is a fucking hoofer. You're talking about a dude who like puts in the hours he's a he's a late-age josh d donato if i throw him go to a fucking who actually started largo and then when it became cool fucking cool people took it away from him like listen go all right thanks for throwing all those flyers on cars for three months we gotta we gotta move on to greener

pasture son yep yeah that place that little small tiny place that was the first that's where i met renee my uh yeah i'm a latter day wife the nancy to my sid the wanda to my bukowski she uh i still like her she hasn't talked to me in years but she wasn't a bad person she had a in years. She wasn't a bad person. She had a couple of issues. She wasn't a bad person. I liked her because she liked Ween. Yes. I always thought Ween was Weezer until like a week ago.

Yeah. I love that hash pipe song. I got my hash pipe. I thought it was Weezer. Oh. Hang on. Here's Yoko to sing Ween. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What do you always sing? Which one? I sing them all. Spina Bifida one. Oh, yeah. Spina Bifida? Spinal meningitis got me down. How is Yoko?

That's awesome. Spinal meningitis got me down. It's a great song. I got roped into, when we started the man show, there's a club called the 3-2-1 in Memphis, and Ween was playing the same night I was playing, and they did a Ween after party without Ween's knowledge. So they had me go over and introduce the band in front of Ween. And the host of the man show, Doug Staddle,

the fucking new man show sucks, he was yelling at me. I'm just here to introduce, hey, ladies and gentlemen, welcome out Ween. And one of the band members came to the club afterwards for this pseudo after party. Renee was so shit-faced, she pissed the couch and went into fucking rehab the next day that's my ween story yeah that um that would be unfortunate the last thing you want to do is go on stage in front of a bunch of people after you just replaced some people yeah on another show the replacing people if we just had the Doug and Joe show, it would have been so loud. Back then it would have sucked anyway.

It wouldn't have worked anyway. Now with just that amount of time, which is 10 years, I guess that is a lot of time. Look, if we wanted to do something, what we could do now is we could just produce it ourselves. Just release it entirely on the internet. Exactly. That's completely possible. I'm out of my record contract. Now I can do fucking DVDs Louis C.K. style.

Oh, really? Fucking Louis C.K. Hey, fucking return a call, cunt. Whoa. What's the matter? I'll tell you off the air. He's kind of busy, that guy. Yeah.

He's too busy, I think. You stop and think about what he does. Editing, writing, producing, and performing in his own show, and writing an hour of new comedy every year. Did I tell you when I did the part for him? You stop and think about what he does, editing, writing, producing, and performing in his own show, and writing an hour of new comedy every year. Did I tell you when I did the part for him? No. When I did the thing on Louis, he called me and he said, hey, do you do any acting?

And I said, no, I suck at it. I was very open. I suck at acting. Again, just knowing that I'm glad the TV with my face is not where i can see it in this studio because that just just seeing me in the monitor on the mansion i fucking i see my head i freeze up uh i said i suck at it he goes yeah but would you want to uh and i said i'll try it i'm just telling you up, I stink at acting. And so he, uh, we read through the part via Skype and he said, okay, we read through it once, do this different, try this, get familiar with the material and we'll do this again

in a couple of days. And I said, okay. And then I'm walking around my backyard. I'm doing the lines to my dogs, bingo uh reading the just trying to get it fucking right and he didn't call back so then it's like two weeks later and i'm like that motherfucker i told him i suck at acting and you don't even have the decency to call me back and say we went another direction right but then i'm about to do stern I'm playing New York so I'm going to do Stern so my idea was

I'm going to go on Stern I have these lines memorized so what I'm going to do is I'm going to insinuate them verbatim into conversation with Stern so months later when you've booked someone else to play this part it's going to look like you stole

the entire script from my howard stern appearance and then he called and said oh i'm sorry i was busy you get the part yeah i want to do the stern thing yeah no i think he's he's almost too busy it's it's like i love the fact that he's uh so inspirational with his all the different shit that he's doing but at a certain point in time you like look at the pace that he's putting like okay i'm just like doing the math and i'm not that good at math but when i do the math i go to this just doesn't seem like a lot of time for fun there like it seems this seems like a crazy pace yeah like doing a show recording a show uh editing it

producing it and then doing a whole hour of stand-up every year like wow he called me about something that's why I'm saying hey fucking Louie call me back or email me back because I don't know what you fucking check anymore but he called me about something and I've been trying to follow up on it oh okay I'm not like hey I want to talk man

now that you're big and famous let's chat I'm not that guy why don't you stay at my house he's the guy that emails you from a different email address every fucking time Now that you're big and famous, let's chat. I'm not that guy. I'm just saying. Why don't you stay at my house? You don't need to go to a hotel. He's the guy that emails you from a different email address every fucking time. I don't know which one to contact you back at. Oh, that's funny. Yeah.

Isn't it funny? The pressures of stardom. And then you also have the thing, well, maybe he's telling me to fuck off again, just like I did the first time when I got the part, but he was busy. I don't think it's that. I gotta fuck. I gotta get it. The new CD is so fucking ready that I gotta get something out.

You're doing the material too long. You know if you don't keep doing it, you're gonna forget all the nuances of it. When did you release Before Turning the Gun on Himself? That's a year and a half ago. But we taped it July of 10, I guess it is now. Oh, 11? Yeah, July of 11, and then it didn't get released.

It released digitally in March of this year, release until Showtime aired it in August. And then they had a 90-day window before we could sell the actual DVD, which is a fucking 8-track tape now. Yeah, I was excited when I saw it on Showtime. I didn't know you were doing it that way. I thought you were just doing it as a CD. I'd rather. I don't like to see myself, but DVDs sell more. What was your deal that you had?

You were locked into a deal, like a long-term deal? Roadrunner had a four record. Why the fuck did you sign that? Because upfront money. Oh. Yeah, I would never sign a four or a three. Everything I've ever done is one. Yeah, it seemed like a... That's a douchey move, man. S sign like a four or a three. Everything I've ever done is one. Yeah, it seemed like a –

That's a douchey move, man. Signing to a four fucking – But they let us out of it. Oh, they let you out of it. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, that's like years and years of time. Everything's digital now. Yeah.

But again, I'm so backlogged. This material, I'm going to have to go back. I've done so much that i'm gonna have to relearn because i do have i have a fucking you know good chunk now yeah um i saw i saw everything that i saw i mean i only watched a certain amount because i was trying to concentrate on my own shit but everything i saw was completely new oh yeah a lot of that shit that'll be on the next one like i have a backlog of other shit so how much do you have ready for the night you have like do you do like an hour an hour and ten like what i did last night i had

a shave down i tried to do 40 and i i evidently did 50 but that was like cutting out a whole lot of detail i think we both did the same i think i did 49 and i think joey did 30 and then honey honey did like 20 it was a long ass show but it was awesome. That crowd, man. They're amazing. They were like with us. Yeah, Death Squad. We're going to have to because the Stanhope Sausage Army

is like a revolutionary fucking group compared to Death Squad. So I think we might just have to have a branch. You missed what Ben said then if you didn't see Honey Honey. Yeah, what did he say? Ben, they were in the middle of playing, and they played this – first of all, they played Angel of Death, which is like one of my favorite songs they do. It's amazing.

And then he said, it's so crazy that since we did the podcast, we will go to these places and perform and do these really deep, emotional songs, and you hear, Death Squad! do these really deep, emotional songs, and you hear, Death Squad! I see almost one Death Squad t-shirt per show at my shows. Oh, yeah. All day, man. That's cool. All my shows.

They're out there. Well, it's... You know, we talk about, I don't know how it happened. It sort of happened organically. I don't know how we got this amazing following, but they're like the nicest fucking human beings in the world they're like super enthusiastic they're super cool they're

everywhere it's really weird and it's growing and the crazy thing is you get these like-minded people that come to these shows that's one of the more interesting things about it is these people that come to these shows they're like really, open-minded people who are like – and it all comes from the podcast, all of it, 100 percent of it. I mean a lot of them were friends of my stand-up before, but this movement all comes from the podcast. But when you realize that kind of power when you get those people together on an anonymous level – I fucking love anonymous so much. Yeah. Where you can actually fucking in exchange yeah and not let's go to the polls or pick anything no let's do something weird and

funny yeah let's fuck with it on a creative level that is actually art well the in but anonymous case is like you got to be really careful if like if you're a company and you're doing something shady they'll take you down oh yeah we'll go into your infrastructure they'll figure out a way to hack in your system that's why you have to do it creatively well i'm an armchair revolutionary at this point i'm yeah i at any point really well no i'm not gonna take up arms tear gassed at the wto riots it's not my thing i don't run quick quick. I'm fucking, I'm easily winded. But you can do funny shit where I've seen

what my fucking fan base will do when that guy was stealing my shit online and they just, they decimated him. Yeah, there was a guy for folks who don't know

the story. Somebody said, Troy Holm was his name. H-O-L-M. Somebody put it up on my message board when Doug found out about it, but there was some character that was taking all of Doug's rants and bits and putting them on a blog, like verbatim.

Like taking exact transcripts of CDs or blog updates and then promoting it on his Twitter. Come read my tales of real life perversion and drugs. He's trying to make himself into some fucking... One of those Thompson characters. No, fucking worse. Like a fucking half-assed Tucker Max. And that's a quarter of an ass.

Because that guy is the worst piece of shit in the fucking world. Oh, do this, Death Squad. Fucking referendum. Anytime you're in an airport or a bookstore and you see a fucking Tucker Max book, take another book and put it in front of the stack because they always front load his books just so no one ever sees the book in the airport. What's wrong with Tucker Max? You know he's a Joe Francis from Girls Gone Wild type of douche.

You don't have to do any research. You know immediately he's that kind of fuck that just gets off on people hating him. All you have to do nowadays to be famous is to be easily hated. That's what all those reality shows are about. They just put a dick on the reality. Are you going to watch American Chopper? Do you want to watch people weld for 30 minutes? No.

But if someone's going to be an asshole to someone else, and that's creating this influx of people who are like, I want to be an asshole so I can be famous. Yeah. I want to be a fucking Paris Hilton Kardashian asshole. Anyway. You know what I find fascinating? When people learn. When they try that and then they learn. And what I really saw that was with Camille Grammer, who was Kelsey Grammer's ex-wife.

All right. And it was – she's on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. And one of the things, like they would have each character go out and say who they are. And it's like, I'm finally stepping out of my husband's shadow. And for what? For being a cunt. And that's what she was., you know, I'm finally stepping out of my husband's shadow. And for what? For being a cunt. And that's what she was. For one season, she was a cunt.

She was a ruthless cunt. And the backlash, the fucking repercussion, the blowback was so intense that she completely switched it up on the next season. She's like, I'm done with this. I'm just going to, I don't give a fuck what you do. I'm sweetie i'll give you a hug i'll send you on your way she didn't want any more negative attention anymore it's like the first season all she was doing was talking shit and this she was married to her husband and she was like riding on motorcycles with other guys like her friends that were like struggling actors i'm like looking at this like this is disgusting

you have to have people in the industry that work on these shows any fucking dirt you can email me anonymous anonymously about the fucking reality shows and how exactly they're staged they're all staged now i mean the one that they did at the comedy store when Ari did it, Duncan, God bless him, quit his fucking job. They wanted him to be in on the reality show at the Comedy Store. And rather than be on television, Duncan quit his job answering phones. For real. He's like, done. Duncan has to be making a decent living on the road now.

He is now. Yeah. It's really recent. It's over the last year or so. It's crazy. And that's, again, the podcast, introducing people to his podcast and his podcast taking off. And, yeah, it's amazing. He makes a living now selling his posters and T-shirts and then doing gigs.

Like, fuck, we've got to get posters. You need to reprint that one, Doug. That's one of my favorite posters. Yeah, the one he had on his wall. The one where it's all made out of heroin needles and drugs. That's a great poster. My default photo on Twitter. Do you have that original poster? No, that's an old one.

If you've got any copies of it, I would love to get it to put it up in here. Do you have one? I don't know if I have that one. No, I just have that one. Do you use it? Oh, yeah. It's my favorite poster an extra one? I don't know if I have that one. No, I just have that one. Do you use it? Oh, yeah. It's my favorite poster. For what?

For a washboard? Jerking off on. I was thinking. If you can get us a copy of it, though, man, I would love to put it up in here because Ari just gave me one of his posters. I'm going to have it framed and put up in here. I know a lot of comics used to do it, but get headshots, but no one has headshots anymore. They don't exist anymore. I want to do it, but get headshots, but no one has headshots anymore. They don't exist anymore. I want to do that for my house.

Get a comic's headshots and put them on the wall like the old ones. I got really old ones from the Warner Brothers days from 1999. I'll get you one of those. No, no. Of you? Yes. Yeah, fuck yeah. I would love to get everybody's oldest headshots that they have.

The most embarrassing ones. I don't know. I don't have them anymore, but I had some ones where I had a leather jacket on, like a tank top on. I got some bad ones. I look sexy as fuck. Really bad. I have one of me standing in a swimming pool in a suit up to my chest

with a wicked Billy Ray Cyrus mullet holding a glass of wine with sunglasses on. That sounds good. Because I thought it's crazy. Two years into the business. You know, here the the hack one that everybody tries the standing in the with the mugshot with your name on it oh okay oh god i tried that one i tried it i tried that one i couldn't do it it was just so pathetic you know you know louis ck's one that he had for like 15 years was one of those pictures from when he was like 16 or 17

uh that you're getting a strip from sitting in a booth you put orders in and you get a strip of four pictures for 15 years he i i might be exaggerating but forever till he was a fucking grown man he used that as his headshot wow that's funny yeah well headshots were a funny thing like mike dunovan do you remember mike dunovan did you know mike dunovan at all too common a name to say no really hilarious boston comedian but one of the things he said he goes uh he goes any comics that's worth his fucking salt doesn't have a headshot what's it always say yeah that's that's the guy that ruins you as an open mic yeah you go oh i can be unprofessional too without an act yeah he wanted

you to be unprofessional he didn't give a fuck but he was hilarious i mean he was right in certain ways that which should really be concentrating on is your act well that's why Dane Cook, the hatred of Dane Cook hurts so many comics because they would eschew MySpace based solely on their dislike for Dane Cook. Whereas social networking, that's why comedy clubs have comment cards, is to get direct access to the audience. But you don't want to go on MySpace and do a good thing for your career because that's so Dane Cook. Well, fucking get past the Dane Cook and look at how the thing works. There are guys. They do eschew the social media. Bill Burr didn't

have Twitter until we signed up for him. Cops are here. Audio issues. Take two. Helicopters. Bill Burr. Bingo. Right on time with the fucking vodka and grapefruit juice. Perfect.

Yeah, I'm a bit liquored up. Yeah, I am as well. This is, I love having this studio though, man. This is fucking great. This is fucking so exciting to have our own space. I was so disappointed when I went to your house. Have I said this before? No, what?

That's so normal? No, when you had it in your house and it was like it was like there's a boxes of clothes and shit like yeah you always go so far out to make everything i thought you'd have this and you're like set up yeah yeah we're sitting on a couch like public access tv both trying to look at the camera but talk to each other i didn't know how to do it it took a while to figure out how to do it right. At first I figured out, well, let's just put like a little coffee table and some microphones on it and a couch. That would be comfortable.

But couches aren't that comfortable, it turns out. No, not to talk to each other. No, couches suck. Office chairs are where it's at, like a good solid leather office chair. Yeah, and this. And this. Yeah. This oak table.

People like wood. Wood wood they like wood feels good feels good to put your hands on you did it the opposite of how i do it i would have the whole setup and then not know how to do it like uh hello hello well that's exactly how i would do it if it wasn't for him that's why he's better than your guy i'm not talking about the electronics i'd have someone else do that i just wouldn't i'd stutter and go, yeah, this is the... We did that at first. Go back and if anybody wants to, if you're a fan of this podcast and you're listening, go back and watch episode one.

If you have any illusions of how great we are at this, you can see the exact fucking evolution of this sort of thing for us. We were terrible. This is exactly what we want to do at the house. We got the small-time equipment, but we tested it. It sounds great. And we have a thing between the dining room and the kitchen is a table this shape. Well, listen, I got a great solution for you.

I know exactly the way to do this. How about this? How about we'll pick up the equipment we'll we'll we'll order everything for you we'll have it installed in your house no we have the equipment you got everything we have the equipment to do it right we tested it we did a fake podcast absolutely shit face you have an account to upload it have the account okay so you have everything yeah all i need to do is fucking man up and get on a mic that's it yeah so you're ready yeah oh what i was gonna say is that we'll set it up for you and put you on death squad

put you on uh on on brian's network we can do that too well if you do that you're gonna get i just have way more way more listeners and viewers for sure people are gonna know about it it'll be it'll be something and it'll be awesome and right now, he's got Kevin Pereira on, who's fucking hilarious. You and Kevin Pereira would be amazing if you want to do it that way. It would be easy to promote it. Join Death Squad.

Join us. I think of Death Squad as anonymous. I don't know how it actually works. This is how it works. The way it works is... I call my fans a sausage army. I call your fans Death Squad.

We're going to have to succumb to your corporate takeover. Well, we're all the same. See, there's Death Squad, which is Brian and Joey and Ari and Eddie Bravo and Tate Fletcher. That is Death Squad.

That is all of us. That is Duncan. That is you. You're included. Anybody, Death Squad. That is all of us. That is Duncan. That is you. You're included. Anybody, Death Squad, honey, honey. Anybody who comes on the podcast. Bert Kreischer, got to mention his name. Powerful Bert Kreischer is unquestionably Death Squad.

Except Jamie Kilstein got thrown out. Yeah, he got thrown out. He can make his way back, but he's got to eat meat. Suck my dick. And something happened along the line. You have to start at Sausage Army, Jamie. Something happened along the line. It's meat related. You're going to have to start at Sausage Army, Jamie. Something happened along the line. It's meat-related.

You're going to have to succumb. Anyway, Brian started the DeathSquad.tv website, and Death Squad Podcast was sort of like an extension, a branch. And then everyone has their own little branches. You know what I'm saying? Like Ari's got the Skeptic Tank. That's a branch of the Death Squad network. And it's like we're all – it's all – I mean, whatever it means.

The word is a weird word it's a it's more like an approval of a group of friends like it's a noise you make with your mouth that means all of us what we would all we all agree with and it's it's something that will come back to haunt you in a court of law death squad well if you called this death squad and you're claiming you're not a terrorist organization it's like a digital nits i have death and so many of my you you fucking i'm gonna be dead someday it's your first yeah i have death as a theme in all almost all my cds i uh dead hero on himself die laughing before turning the gun on himself i didn't even notice live from oslo that's that's why i didn't listen i i have the title is the best part of getting the great title for a cd and that's why that one is a shitty title because i knew it was a shitty dvd well

live from the tabernacle is my last one and i just didn't know what to call it i had no idea what to call it i i sat down and i had no fucking answers oh you should have called me yeah called me why though i mean live from jack and dino mean, live from the tabernacle. Jack and Dino. I like live from the tabernacle. Where is it? It was at the tabernacle in Atlanta. It's on joerogan.net. It just came out Tuesday. I assume it's from fucking Salt Lake City.

Is it a tabernacle? The Mormon Tabernacle Choir is stupid. See, I'm going to call it Wallet Chains and Water Bottles. Wallet Chains and Water Bottles? See how the more cocktails I have, the more likely I am to call Joe Rogan stupid. Shit gets crazy. I'm fucking two drinks away from fucking Taekwondo.

That guy that, did you see that photo that was on the cover of the New York Post? The guy got thrown into the train tracks? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This man is about to die and they see the guy like trying to climb out as the train's coming did you see that shit i didn't see the like unedited to me it was more evidence like avoid conflict at all costs all right everybody that wants a mouth off to people

in public and want to fucking puff your chest out and flare your ego stop no that's why you go on facebook and say something off go on youtube and say something awful. Go on YouTube. Comment on someone's video. Tell them to die of the fire. Yeah, exactly. Oh, you're a big man behind the keyboard. Yeah, because I don't want to get pushed under a subway, stupid. That's when you're supposed to be a big man.

That's called evolution, fuckface. Yeah. Okay? Oh, you're a big man when you have a gun. That's why you got a gun. Because you would have punched the shit out of me when I'm fucking weak. Really, it's amazing. You should really be applauding that someone's figured out how to not have to do squats and eat bison meat for ten years.

Look at that. That's it. Pushed onto a subway track. This man is about to die. That is a fucked up picture. I wanted to say, Jake Laotta in all his uh uh fog remember when you trained me to fight tanya harding yes yes you actually tried to train yeah a little bit you laughed hysterically at my complete absolute ignorance of physical

dexterity uh she wouldn't sign the boxing gloves that i fought her with because she said oh people will just put this on ebay people being me right wait i'm the one asking so you're saying people will put it on ebay so those boxing gloves have been hanging up in my house forever and jake lamotta in all his fog signed them for me so fuck Tonya Harden. I'm not signing my boxing gloves, but now they're signed by Jake LaMotta. Now they're worth 100 times more. You're pals with Jake LaMotta. Does he live in Bisbee?

Yeah, there's no pal. He doesn't know who I am. He's come to my show. We went to his show. We played poker at his house in my house. He has no idea who I am. He's that gone. And if you're on the StanhopeCelebrityDeathpool.com and you're thinking about Jake LaMotta thinking you're the first person to think of it, no.

Bingo already has him and Joey Diaz. I'm not supposed to say that. Why? I had fucking Ron Schock and I feel bad about it. Did you have Ron? Ron Schock was... Is Ron gone? Yeah, he died. Well, you win.

But this is what happened. For full disclosure, I had my list. Every New Year's, me and Joby and Bingo... Joby started this. Deathpool, he started doing it for us us and then it's such a pain in the ass to keep track of like okay we have 38 people in our pool and we have money on it but to you have 38 people picking 20 celebrities how many fucking so every day someone dies jovi has to go through who had what he's had pain in the ass So he decided to make this website that does all that for us.

That's what Stanoff's Celebrity Death Pool is. So New Year's Eve is that's when we break out our pics. And we all sit there like, ta-da, who'd you find? Who'd you find? And another girl, Melissa, holding in our town. And we were too drunk to do it New Year's Eve. So New Year's morning, I wake up, and Vince Fluke is a comic, emailed me, hey, you know, Ron Shock has cancer, and we want to do a benefit.

And so you immediately put him in your pool. We haven't released our pics yet. Oh, you son of a bitch. So do you feel guilty about this? No, I did send him some money and I promoted all of his shit. But death pool is death pool. It didn't affect the outcome

of Ron Schock's death. Politics and politics. I took the Iron Sheik out. I put Ron Schock in and now I'm nine days away from fucking first place. Bingo's in third place out of 38. How much do you get for this?

It's 50 bucks a piece. I'll get $900 for first. Holy shit. And then people are like, we thought we'd be in your death pool. I'm going to set up a fucking open illegal gambling fucking operation. No, if you want to gamble on your own you do that but you can't be in our death pool yeah how dare you how dare you yeah you make up your own league we just do all the fucking book work which is why we were going to stop doing it

because it's that much of a pain in the by the way how beautiful would it be if this country was so free that you could have a death pool on douganhope.com and you could take a little taste. How about that? A $12 billion industry? Everybody in. Hey, we need to create jobs while all the fucking illegal gambling is going to fucking UK, Caribbean, Costa Rica. Yeah, those countries are doing fine.

Yeah, you fucks. But they're fucking illegal gambling and they're getting the $12 billion. Gambling is the one main prostitution you have the fucking jesus and the fucking drugs and gambling gambling everyone's doing it every while it's available too it's just like drugs you can go to the fucking corner store and you can play scratch tickets you can gamble on something yeah it's one of those it's like swear words that okay there's kind of a benefit is there's a benefit in drugs being illegal because it's a black market fucking yeah okay i don't have skills i can't get a job i have

three kids oh i can sell pot if it were legal. You know what really drives me crazy? Sports gambling. The fact that sports gambling cannot be regulated. They can't figure out a way to just say, listen, if you're an American citizen, you have to do it in American soil. Just gamble on it. Let's cut out all the fucking Belize and Costa Rica shit. Look, you want to keep the economy strong? Let's have it inside America.

Let's have legal gambling on illegal American servers that are on American soil. The taxes go to us. Just like government gambling. Lotto. Scratch tickets. Only with a chance to win. And by the way, it makes it more fun. If you're watching a fucking football game and you have money on it, it becomes more exciting.

Even if it's only $10. I bet on every football game on Sunday and Monday night, and now Thursday, and occasionally Saturday and Tuesday if the stadium collapses. It's the only thing that I miss about working for the UFC is I don't gamble on the fights. Really? No. Well, you could call me.

I could. I have before. I hooked up Ari Shafir. Ari Shafir was in Vegas and Glover Teixeira was fighting. It was one of the best 205 pounders in the world. Nobody's ever heard of him. First time in the UFC. I go, bet the house on this motherfucker. I go, bet the house. I don't tell you that. I go, listen, this guy's a savage. I mean, he's straight out of fucking Babylon. Bet the house. Bet everything. What happened to Joey Diaz's fucking great YouTube?

UFC pics? Yeah. He's busy. Joey Diaz is too busy. He's too busy. The Church of What's Happening Now, his podcast is almost always in the top ten of iTunes comedy charts now. He's crushing it. Joey Diaz can't go. I mean, you saw what happened when he went on stage last night. He can't go anywhere. Everywhere he goes, he's selling out. Every club he goes to, he's crushing it. Joey Diaz can't go. I mean, you saw what happened when he went on stage last night. He can't go anywhere.

Everywhere he goes, he's selling out. Every club he goes to, he's selling out. And the club owners, these fucking cocksuckers, they don't want to recognize it, man. They're trying to lowball him and give him shitty money. He's selling out on, like, Tuesdays and Thursday nights. And they're trying to bring him in on weekends. I get a whole series of fucking alternative venues. Listen, we're going to do that.

I'm going to produce his. He needs to have something in a physical form out there in a video form. And he needs a DVD. And so we're going to produce it. Yeah, that's Christine Levine. She played my party and the cops in the first time in seven years were called to my house. And we have live music in the backyard, but we live in a small neighborhood where everyone has to listen to everything we do,

including up-tempo conversations people hear. And she went on stage. Within eight minutes, the police were there because of the language. People finally called the cops. She's fucking brilliant. Well, you have a stage in your backyard? Yeah. Look at that quickie says, yeah. Everybody's fucking brilliant. Will you have a stage in your backyard? Yeah. Look at that quickie says yeah.

Everybody does, yeah. I have to fucking try to create some semblance of... No, you don't. You don't have to live in Bisbee. You can go back to Venice, that house with the flag on the front. It's ready for you. The one where the homeless people stab each other.

I said I'd do this podcast today because it's Saturday. I know there's no traffic. The idea of traffic. If I fly into Chicago, I will land at fucking 1130 at night. So I don't have to. I hate traffic more. It just makes me crazy. I don't have that option because I'm just too busy.

Well, you have to live here. Yeah. But the one thing that I wouldn't give up about L.A. is all the people that I know that live in L.A. I mean, if I had to live like I did when I lived in Colorado, I lived away from everybody. But I saw everybody when I went on the road, so it wasn't so bad. Absence makes the heart grow. When someone I know comes to Bisbee, I feel like I've fallen in love again. Who comes to Bisbee?

Fucking Rouse and Henry Phillips. Will come. Will come. Next time we do a podcast, let's do it. No, don't come. You would hate it. I wouldn't hate it. You would fucking hate it.

Why would you think I would hate it? Because you don't like to relax. I do like to relax. You're wrong. I do. Really? Yeah. I can imagine you being so fucking bored there.

No, no. Listen, I like to relax. I do. I just like to sit around fat in No, no. Listen, I like to relax. I do. I just like to sit around fat in pajama pants. I don't mind doing that. What would make you think that I don't like to relax? Because you like to do stuff. Yeah, but when I'm done, I like to relax.

I do like to relax. But there's no doing stuff to get done from. But in my regular life, though, I like that. Like, one of the things I went – You could never do nothing for – I would challenge you to see how long you could do nothing like I do nothing. I can sit in the same pair of pajama pants on the same couch watching the shittiest television shows and doing absolutely nothing. Like if I get up – How many days?

How many days? I found myself at, well, we were on the road once where Brendan Walsh and I realized we hadn't showered in seven days. What? So we go, we should really shower, and then we made it to the eighth. Oh, my God. How bad did you guys smell? You don't smell bad if you don't exert energy. That's not true. You think you don't smell bad.

You change your socks. You change your socks. Yeah, but then your feet still stink. Olfactory senses. But the new socks cover it up. No, they don't. Yes, they do. No, you need baby powder.

Olfactory senses. You need baby powder because you sweat because you're exerting energy by going to the store, maybe. Going to the store. Or walking to your hotel room. All factory senses apparently only detect changes in smell. That's how people live in shitty areas. Hoarders. Like when you drive through Pennsylvania.

Hoarders. Hoarders. People that live in cow towns. There's dead cats around your pillow. Yeah. They don't smell it. Yeah. People that go to cow towns and you're like, how the fuck do people live here?

The people that live there, they don't smell it because your nose detects changes in smell. It's really weird like that. Yeah. Yeah. That's how homeless people go. What do you mean? I can't get a ride. I'm stinking up your car.

Yeah. I can only sit around for a few hours. I unfortunately have a furnace that I have to throw wood into. I got to keep moving. This is who I am. You have a furnace? Inside me. Inside my soul.

Oh, okay. All right, sorry. It's a metaphor for a cum. All of a sudden. It's a metaphor for angel cum. Picture Joe Rogan living off the grid. I would like to. Look, I tried to do that.

When I lived in Colorado, I pretty much living off the grid. I would like to. Look, I tried to do that. When I lived in Colorado, I pretty much lived off the grid. The house that I was at was like eight miles down a dirt road in the woods. No, I mean off the grid, like Bisbee off the grid, where there's a whole community that's off the grid, solar. Bisbee solar? A lot of it is solar? No, they have a whole community off the grid. They don't have electric bills.

It's all solar. Yeah. Yeah, no, I have no bills it's all yeah yeah no i have no bills i'm setting that up at my house i'm setting that up at my house in california i i you know what i think we're ridiculous to not do that if you have the availability like why would you want to be i don't have the people yeah that's one of like the occupy thing where they go no we want to work i have so many things i want to spend money on in Bisbee, and there's people that know how to do it. And I could stand on a ladder waving cash and, well, yeah, I can think about it, and I'll maybe put a thing together to see how much, and then never hear from them again. I want a new fucking bathroom.

My bathroom's ugly as shit. You can't get anybody to work on it? No. Bisbee's just devoid of contractors unemployment is the fucking major or disability is the major industry wow yeah that's isn't it funny how people become addicted to like aid that's a strange thing with people like this welfare state well like wait before i get fucking bisbee turned on me there's a lot of people that just work enough to live they don't want to work right and they

don't have big bills almost everyone watches tv on the internet on a laptop and don't pay for it so yeah they'll download shit they just don't want to work well i understand that i'm completely behind it well isn't the idea it's it's an artist community right is it the idea which means half artist can't work a real job half artist half rednecks balance how'd that happen it's it's the only small town i could ever live in that i've found have you found anybody that's moved into that town because they're crazy doug stanhope fans one guy moved there you remember that guy i knew it one guy but he wasn't he wasn't bothersome i didn't know he said i moved here because you talked about it on the internet but he lives in old bisbee i'm i'm well that's different i mean

that look if you told me uh the one of the reasons why i moved to boulder someone told me about boulder so how beautiful boulder is and then i went there and went holy fuck they're right there's nothing wrong with accepting correct information you're talking about how great you Someone told me about Boulder, how beautiful Boulder is. And then I went there and I'm like, holy fuck, they're right. There's nothing wrong with accepting correct information. You're talking about how great you love Bisbee. There's no money there. There's no, you can't. Yeah, but that resonates with some people.

That's what they're looking for. They're looking for like a relaxed sort of a sleep. But you can't make a living there. Right. Unless you want to work in the deli at Safeway. Evelyn cannot keep fucking anyone at the deli. Because Safeway. Evelyn at the deli at Safeway. Evelyn cannot keep fucking anyone at the deli. Evelyn? Neighbor Dave's wife.

Neighbor Dave's wife, she's the deli manager. Nobody wants to be the deli person at Safeway? No, because all the positions pay the same, and the deli is where you lose a finger. It's a hard job. They're like, fuck it, I'll be a bagger. Well, that does make sense. Yes.

So is that one of my favorite bits on before turning the game? Fucking referendum number two, Death Squad. Yeah? Yes. Get Safeway to change their fucking wage. All right. No, that won't work. You're going to get some crazy Death Squad character moving to fucking Bisbee to be the

deli guy. No, someone's just going to keep coming. You know, Doug, I just want to tell you, you brought it up on the joe rogan podcast and then i knew that i was meant to be the deli person at bisbee in the safeway there was something that's missing in my life i didn't even know what it said until you said that it was like a light went off my head man i just want to tell you i really love you and i want to get your first tattoo to my body somewhere we've had some we oh wait we had those people show up for football. They were trying to find my house because I put my address.

Hey, get a pen, people. No! Stop it! 2-1-2 Van Dyke Street. Stop it! Bingo is covering her eyes. Bingo, you know... No, Bingo loves this.

You live with a woman, sir. You live with a woman. You need to take care of her. No, but I have people send shit to Bingo because I do this all the time and Bingo's so retarded that packages will show up. Hang on. There you go. That's people calling. Why don't you just put your phone online, you fuck? Hang on. Hang on. Who is this?

It's a thing called speakerphone. Are you listening, Chaley? Listening to what? I'm on the Joe Rogan podcast and we're just re-upping the You vs. Red Band. Who's the better fucking tour manager slash webcast guy? So I'm on time, even though I wasn't made aware of it.

See? My fucking guy is prescient. Top that. I told you already, bitch. You got a slave. All right. I have a master craftsman. You got a slave.

I'm going to call you back. If I text Brian, he calls me back like an hour later and goes, what's up? That's someone with talent. I don't have to call my guy. I speak his name like Beetlejuice and he calls into the show. Yeah, because he's got no talent. Because he's scared.

Brian's out there having threesomes with porn stars and he comes back and tells me about it. I'll take my guy over yours. I'll take my guy over yours all day. How about that? Not that there's anything wrong with your guy. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with your guy. I find Red Ben even more adorable than you.

Look, thank you. I don't know what to say about that. My competitive instincts get fueled. You must not be correct, it's impossible. You must be wrong. I will go along with you no matter what. What were we talking about before, Chaley fucking Chuck? Probably blowjobs and bad teeth.

Oh, those people came to your house to watch you? Oh, yeah. Someone was driving around trying to find my house and it was during football and they they uh they went to a local store in old bisbee and said hey do you know where doug stanhope lives and it's the uh wife of the guy that's always at football they just happen to go into that store and she's like there's a guy looking around so she calls you doing the hand up to the face oh yeah sorry i did the imaginary phone hand motion and uh say i go yeah fuck it it's football they can anyone can come over during football so you let

anybody come over your house for football for football that makes sense if i'm in town for football so let's let's let's review what we learned. You're fucking looking like De Niro again, and I'm not even tripping. I'm looking like De Niro again? Yes. I was Mark Babbitt. I'm De Niro. I'm Joe Rogan.

Okay? I am who I am. Last time when I was tripping, you fucking looked like De Niro. In which one? In Cape Fear or in Raging Bull? I don't know. But last night, it was seriously Mark Babbitt because the shading of your head made you look like you had bald guy hair in the back. I was thinking about your bad teeth thing.

You have a thing about bad teeth. I hate to smile. I just have to. I have to give this one person props. This is a girl who's a ring card girl for Bellator. Look at that. Oh, wow. Oh, yeah, exactly. Come on, man. That doesn't make you want to fuck again? Look at bellator look at that oh wow oh yeah exactly like come on man that

doesn't make you want to again look at that look at that picture her name is her name is jade bryce but anyway she's got like a gap between her teeth but she's so hot it doesn't well that's belladonna no no no no it's a good gap yeah well her gap is filled with like covered dicks that came right out of butts right in her mouth mouth. This girl's a little bit cleaner. It's a little cleaner situation. Bella Donna? Then this Jade Bryce girl. Well, Bella Donna is dirtier

We've always had very different taste in women. Well, is Bella Donna dirty? She's a little dirty, right? Not that it's bad. Yeah, yeah. No, I like her. She seems real.

This other girl, this Jade Bryce chick, is just simply a girl who holds up ring cards. She's not getting ass-to-mouth all day. It's a different sort of a situation. What's wrong with that? I don't know why you have to compare that girl to this girl.

I'm talking to you about one girl, and you've got to bring up another girl that you'd go. It's just confusing. I'm trying to give some girl some props that she doesn't get to fix her teeth, but she's got a ridiculous ass. Look at that ass, Brian. Can I get a witness? Yeah, that's a nice ass. That's about as good as it gets. No, I don't like that ass. What? You don't like that ass

right there? No, it's a giant ass. Shut the fuck up, goddammit. That's where babies come from. Babies don't come out of the ass. That's why you fuck them in it. No, no, no. That's why that fat is there to protect the cells or something. Let the eggs grow.

You must have a big dick, because an ass like that means I'm only getting half of mine in it because the other half of the ass is going to hold me up. It's like an anaconda with a metal pipe shoved through it. That's what it's like. Stuffed fat and tied off like a ham. That's what my dick's tied off like a ham. With white string. Okay? That's what my cock's tied up like a ham with white string okay that's what my cock's like god damn it we're all different doug stanhope don't hate me for actually liking pussy jesus christ

i like pussy i'm just i've always had a different idea of what fucking beautiful is well yeah well listen it's all subjective beauty's in the eye of the beholder. Yeah. For real. I mean, there's a lot of dudes, there's websites dedicated to guys who love, like, really overweight women. They love, like, rolls of fat.

And I think a lot of that also has to do with what you were first introduced to when you were becoming sexual. Like, if you have a girlfriend, if you start dating... I'm not even talking sexual. Attractive. Okay, what's the difference? Literally attractive. Like, this attracts... sexual like if you have a girlfriend if you start i'm not even talking sexual attractive okay

literally attractive like this attracts like you're stunning there's something about you that i want to keep looking at right as far as porn goes jacking off yes that probably ruined a lot of my sex drive is i was so in a porn that and it's never like that. It's never perfectly cleaned, trimmed, sanitized, chlorine-smelling. Unless you're partying with Brian. That's right. But yeah, when you're doing the Molly that smokes, then you don't care what it smells like. He wins over your guy once again, okay? Just one more time, goddammit.

No, I know what you're talking about. I had a girl when i first started dating when i was in high school had like very unusual feet she had weird feet she had like like like they were like kind of like are we talking jerking off or just what you what you're sexually attracted to and makes you honey honey that girl i think is fucking phenomenally beautiful because she's engaging. She's attracting. You see her.

I see a commercial with a supermodel, and I look at her going, how boring would she be? She wouldn't want to eat a thing, like all the things that race through your head, and she would be so. How dare you? Is that the joke? That's my earliest headshot.? Is that the Joe Morgan? That's my earliest headshot. That's my... I was 20 years old. Put up a link.

Come to the Olive Garden. Oh. How do you say a link to that? I'll tweet it. Just put it on his Twitter. As a fan of the show, I get really upset when you're doing stuff

that only us are enjoying. Well, Red Band will put that on his twitter redban you can see it that is my 20 i was 21 years old i was an open micer that was my head shot i had a nice head of hair it was really nice you were worried about the hair you got me on fucking rogaine for a minute yeah i should have shaved my head a long time ago it was like what first when i first started doing it, it was so freeing. It feels good. Your scar is not nearly as bad.

We have our friend Billy Bad, who's the Joe Rogan of Alaska. He is. He's the best guy in the world. He's you. He's the you of Alaska. Without the funny. He's just cool like the coolest nicest but he did the same thing you did but he has this charlie brown frankenstein scar that that goes in a like triangle pattern around his head and now he's shaved his head is he got

to the age you're like fuck it fuck it it was the last i don't give a fuck left i didn't have any i don't give a fucks left so shaving my head was the last i don't give a fuck and when it happened as soon as i did i was like ah that was it and your scar to me because like you only god you would talk about that for years about like your scar like you i wish i could shave my head but i don't want to because the scar must have been like three or four years and once he shaved it was like brody stevens scar on his face that he always talks about and that i never see it was like brody stevens crazy where you're like all right i'm crazy all right now it's out yeah exactly it was

like fucking you know charlie sheen going yeah i fucked hookers i'm in court yeah i made him dress up like cheerleaders okay once you stop denying it no one cares yeah once it's out there it's out there yeah and until it's out there it's always something you i fucking hate the baldness is like considered a disease on some levels where like kids with cancer and we're gonna shave our head to give them hair like wait i don't have fucking hair mine so i'm supposed to be as embarrassed as a child like i'm some kind of ghoul to a child that's funny yeah i know some health care will cover baldness like what i'm supposed to feel bad i don't give a fuck i know right it's a weird thing it's uh it's uh well you know what a part of it is it's like a lack

of control thing if you don't have control over something like eyebrows are important to people you know why they're important to people because if they fell off yeah if they fell off you'd be like where's my fucking eyebrows but if you shave my eyebrow my life wouldn't change at all except for the fact that people would realize i don't have eyebrows anymore they have no fucking purpose and they wouldn't want to talk about it. That's why the internet will cheat. Sharpie them in like a Mexican gangbanger chick.

A chica! Come on, bitch! I'll stab you! I got you! The internet will change how we feel about honesty across the board. I think it already has, hasn't it? Well, to the point where now you will be open about things because someone's going to say it about you on Facebook. I think it already has, hasn't it? with no eyebrows. And then these people will be open about stuff. That whole level of politeness that has nothing to do with civility. It's not being rude.

Oh, you have a flipper arm. What's that like? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just actually asking a question. Of course. You're different. People are going to be intrigued. Yeah.

Like, did you remember, I don't know if you paid attention at all, but the Olympics, that guy that was running who had fake legs? Yeah. Was really running really fast? Yeah. So you had these prosthetic springy legs. Yeah, but steroids are illegal. Right.

Bionic man fine. We had this guy on the podcast, Daniel Wilson. He's a robotics expert. He's written some books on robotics. And he was talking to us. He goes, how long before the first guy cuts his legs off and puts bionic legs on? And when he said it, my whole body just went, oh, I think of that first. No, that's not what I thought of. I thought of the actual guy lying there with a tube down his throat, shutting

him off while they're sawing his fucking legs off and i was terrified i literally like cuddled up with myself like thinking about i know someone one day is going to cut off their perfectly good legs for some fucking bionic legs or even if it's not to win a medal it's just to have bionic legs oh to oh recognition ego is the biggest mother not even if it's recognition just the ability how about if somebody okay listen how fast do you need to run in a world full of cars? Let me ask you this. If they came out with fucking legs, and these bionic legs allowed you to jump over buildings,

literally allowed you to go Incredible Hulk style, and just leap like a fucking airplane and fly through space, why wouldn't you want to do that? But you would have to sit there while they saw your hip off and try to cut your bleeding off at the fucking arteries around your legs the femoral artery that if they cut that with a knife it sprays out you bleed out i understand one of the worst ways to die is getting shot in the thigh yeah you get shot in the thigh it blows out your artery you're dead it just you're just like

that guy from the redskins who was the redskins someone just died getting shot oh really fucking thigh yeah yeah getting shot in the thigh car you don't have to back off like we're saying sandy hook because it wasn't overly publicized yeah if it was overly publicized we apologize somebody had something they put on twitter that was so fucking poignant when that Sandy Hook thing was going on. They said 20 kids die in Connecticut, and it is a national outrage. But 150,000 die from starvation? No. That's what I retweeted.

A thousand die from drone strikes. Oh, yeah. Maybe that's the one I retweeted. Well, I bet there was a lot of those i mean it wasn't one person who made that obvious conclusion of the hypocrisy of the way we look at things we have a really crazy way of looking at things that we don't look there's a lot of innocent children that have died as let me ask you this as a father now which i try to avoid that thought not nearly as much as the idea that Joey Diaz is a father, which I actually did the calculations of today out front waiting for you to show up. It's like, okay, got Joey Diaz in the death pool, but he's about to be a father.

That's going to give him more reason to live. And I'm like a prognosticator at the horse track. He's good on a wet track. That's funny. But you, as a father, did you feel anything about Sandy Hook? I felt two things. One thing I felt is for the actual kid who did that. Emotionally.

Yes. I'm talking emotionally. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I felt for two, in two situations. One, I felt for the actual child that became that fucking monster that's gunning down children and, you know, his mother and whoever else he killed, his teachers. I felt for that guy because you don't get to the point where you're showing up at a

school and just shooting children unless you're in horrific pain i don't know what was going on with him psychologically and there's a lot of people that they really shy away from having any empathy towards someone who does horrific things but everyone who does horrific things does horrific things because they're in pain there's's no other way to do it. There's no other reason to lash out. There's no way that guy did that for the reason I would want to kill a lot of people. Mine is completely out of logical, sheer focused anger. He don't shoot a bunch of children. Real eugenics, like the idea of eugenics,

like just weeding out all the people that want to kill people, weeding out all the people who are sociopaths, weeding out all the people who are psychopaths, which is what you do in any other natural ecosystem, whether it's with animals. If you have a bunch of animals and you have some goats running and one goat keeps killing the baby goats, you shoot that goat and then you don't have that problem anymore. But with human beings, this is like this ethical consideration of who this person is. It makes no sense. It does make no sense.

There does need to be some sort of a pragmatic like removing people like that from the population. But also we have to realize what takes a baby. When you have children, one of the things about having children that changed me is just the realization. Doug Stanley made me smoke a cigarette last night. Are you serious? Oh, that's right. I took two hits off the goddamn cigarette. He choked like I did on his weed.

It's so gross. But it did give me a – I was totally head rushing. Having a child, when you have a baby, one of the things you realize is the massive responsibility that you have because this is a bundle of potential that this child could turn out completely fucked up or completely beautiful and amazing. And I don't mean beautiful looking. I mean like the way they behave, the way they communicate with people, that people are going to be enriched and like their life is going to be better because they come in contact with this human being. But did not the parents of the Sandy Hook shooter have the same expectations of that child? Of course they did. But that's the hubris of parents thinking that because you're bright, you have control over your child. You can have the best intentions.

This is what Todd – I did Todd Glass' podcast, and this whole conversation spiraled out of control because he was – he wasn't understanding what I'm saying. Because you're a parent doesn't mean that you have any control over what your child is going to become. Well, that's – I don't think it's an either-or situation, and I think that's the real problem, is that just because some people have this idea that you have this bundle of potential, this child that's essentially a blank slate in front of you, and you would like them to be a productive citizen,

that doesn't mean that the people who create a Sandy Hook person have those same intentions in mind because a lot of people have babies and they just have a fucking baby. And they just live and they fuck the kid up with whatever they're fucked up with and they don't have a lot of objectivity. They don't have a lot of self-awareness and they don't have a lot of understanding of the greater picture of what it is to take a essentially a bundle of potential and neurons which is a baby and and turn it into a full functioning human being it's a massive responsibility and people don't look at it like the massive responsibility that is but what you're saying is you still think you have control if you know i did that's fucked up no i do not no i do not i do not i because i know that first of all all – The Patton Oswalt bit. I fucking love from it.

He had a bit about kids always rebel against their parents, so I'm going to be the worst parent in the world. I'm going to be the biggest douche. I'm going to have Phil Collins' No Jacket Required album framed on the mantelpiece just so my kids are cool. They don't always rebel. I know people don't rebel against i know people yeah i know it made me think of that bit i think human beings rebel against someone who tells them what to do and the only time kids uh tell you what to do where or rather a person tells a kid what to do where it makes sense is where the the kid is explained is explained to them in a way that alleviates all of their concerns

that you're trying to control them, all of their concerns that you're insensitive to their own individual rights. If they're like you. Not if they're like you. If they're a bundle of potential. No, I'm saying if they are like you, then you can explain this. But if they reject that and they have their own act. Well, that's what you don't understand.

They don't reject that from the start because children have – they don't really have a set of morals. And you can explain to them as time goes on what is wrong or right about certain situations. They will absorb a certain amount of it and you can continue to provide good examples. The real issue is that raising a kid is not as simple as people like to pretend it is. It's a massive amount of work. Fuck you, Joe Rogan. Sorry, I just wanted to throw in some kind of – It's just a massive –

Something to keep the listener engaged. Oh, this is going somewhere. Fuck you. It's just – look, what a kid is, is like – it's like having a PhD thesis and you're giving it to any retard and say, hey, fill this out, figure it out. And you don't tell them what to do. You're like, fill this out.

Some people are just naturally going to write some incredible thesis. They're going to have some new points that haven't been considered by science. And some kids are going to shoot up Sandy. And some people are going to wipe their ass with it and they're going to like put sand in it and they're going to throw it in the ocean it's like there's the amount of room for error and the amount of possibility in raising a child is so monumental that most people are going to get it wrong just like most people are going to get wrong their own objective perceptions of themselves. How many people really see themselves the way the other people

around them see themselves? I feel like the only listeners now are the same people who listen to Art Bell. You're wrong. Right now, I feel... People at work. There's people that have kids, Doug Stanhope. No, I just feel like right now we've delved into

fucking up all night. No, we haven't because what we're talking about is some really important shit. What we're talking about is what is it. That's why people tune out. But it's fascinating. What is it that makes a person a psycho? What is it that makes a person awesome? I mean, look, you and I both had very different childhoods,

but we essentially found our own path instead of being guided that's what i was going to say is uh i i'm basing a lot of this on intervention is one of our favorite shows and hoarders does the same thing to an extent where they start out with the problem and then they coast into a montage of their childhood and they try to at least if not pinpoint allude to well then their parents got divorced and she missed her father or then she was touched by an uncle became a comforting but but they try to find something in the childhood that's responsible with no science whatsoever right that is responsible for why now they're fucking shitting in a dumpster and a fucking crack and when you say science that's really important because it's purely anecdotal evidence exactly you would have to take two people make them live fucking astrology it is

it absolutely is that's a very good point the way you just said that i really would love to fucking meet dr drew face to face i would i would love to set that up because that was one of my favorite bits about that bit that turning the gun on himself as well. It's like you fucking nailed it. What is your cure? And it's God. It is. It's a higher power. That's all they have. It's the biggest

breach of separation of church and state is where people get a DUI and they're forced to go to AA for two or six weeks where they have to pretend to believe in god you motherfuckers it's absolutely again enraging yes and not on the language fuck is a bad word level but still but here's the the thing is they always try to blame the parent my my parents were great i'm a fuck up you hold up stop stop it stop it you're not a fuck-up. Hold up. Stop. Stop it.

Stop it. You're not a fuck-up by any stretch of the imagination. In the eyes of all of those types of shows, I would be seen as some pathetic. No, no, no, no, no. You wouldn't. You're going to die. Only if they're misinformed. You know what that's like?

The eyes of that show is like if someone gets brought in and the person happens to be a person who has asthma and you you don't have a doctor present to say well what causes asthma okay if you were on a show and they were saying well there's something wrong with this doug stanhope doug stanhope likes to drink he drinks almost every day i would have to step in because i was like well you understand comics see i'm an expert on comics this is a comic this is how it works and you don't get comics like that unless you get all the other shit as well. Okay? Are we cool?

All right, good. Now go back to judging fucking mailroom workers and fucking insurance salesmen because when it comes to comics, that's where I'm an expert. So you're not a fuck-up. You're not a fuck-up because you put out a good solid hour every year and a half, and there's only one way to fucking do that, okay? It's to do it Doug Stanhope style. The way you're doing it is the exact correct way to do it. And if you took those assholes and you said, hey, listen, I want to take time away from working at LA Fitness and being the guy who recruits new people to be personal trainers. And what I want you to do is I want to put together an hour of solid subversive stand-up material where you really analyze society's woes and

break it down in a way that's not just going to be poignant but it's also going to elicit a reaction out of people. It's going to make them laugh. Belly laugh. Howl. I want you to take points to the point where you think it's uncomfortable and socially unacceptable and go about a hundred yards past that into some horrible place

where you long for the moment where you thought that the the moment where you thought that he was out of line in the beginning which was four minutes ago that guy can't do that so that guy would be a fuck up if he tried to do your job yeah oh uh you you uh you turn the forklift in the wrong direction and hit some cans you need to be on intervention yeah we got i hope you missed three tags in that hour. We got seven minutes to go before our recording turns into a pumpkin. We've hit the three-hour mark.

You're the shit, man. I wish you lived here, but I don't. Because every time you come back here, it's like Christmas. Exactly. When someone shows up in Bisbee, I hug them. Listen, this show that we did last night. Bingo said the other day, I'm ready to get out of it. We were off work for two weeks. And she's like, I'm ready to get out of it. We were off work for two weeks.

And she's like, I'm ready to get out of town. Let's go on the road. I go, we're going to be on the road for fucking one night for the Rogan thing. And we're going to be, I can't wait to get back home. Right now you can't wait already? I'm always fucking greener pastures, man. Everything I'm not in is better. That's what makes you a comic, man.

People don't understand. They don't understand. We all have our own place in this crazy spectrum of life. Your place is right there. Let me plug Super Bowl and Bisbee. You have to fucking get your own place. I already have fucking the houses are full, but you can stay at the Shady Dell. Well, you're going to, first of all, let's just plug the fact that you're going to let people come to your house and watch the game.

Yes. Okay. Listen, we're putting this on the internet. One million people will listen to this. They're coming from everywhere. I live so far away. Oh, no, no, no, no. I can't get you to come to my house, much less a crazy person.

You say can't. That's incorrect. The correct is haven't gotten me. I will. The point is I live so far away. Crazy people have to be really fucking crazy. And those are the ones you got to worry about. And they're coming.

The point is. No, we have a show. Listen to this lineup. They're coming on donkeys. Fucking Andy Andrist, Christine Levine, Sean Rouse, JT Haberset. Fucking someone I'm forgetting and I'm hosting is Friday. Stopka. Junior Stopka.

Oh, beautiful. How many followers does he have? Let's check right now. When you said that, I was just about to check. Hold on one second. Go with all at the Bisbee Royale. Fucking Besbar and Bisbee brand new. Where is Junior Stopka?

What the fuck? I just followed him where is Junior Stopka what the fuck I just followed him at Junior Stopka okay hold on so that's Friday night the show is at the Bisbee Royale

Friday night fucking six of my favorite fucking comics in the world 1,350 we really got them over a hundred

people listen to this shit later you weak ass bitches but there's more than there's thousands of them that are listening to you right now. Who listens to fucking podcasts live? A lot of people.

I listen to shit in a car. The hardcore freaks. All right. The hardcore freaks. Well, we have 53. At Junior Stopka. And they're really upset. They're really upset by your video quality.

Well, they're probably all in fucking Iceland or New Zealand, and they're not going to see Junior Stopka anyways. Or Alaska. They will. They will. They're traveling.'re not going to see Junior Stopka anyway. Or Alaska. They will. They're traveling. They're going to come to your house. If you want to come to Doug Stanhope's house for Super Bowl, the address is 212 Van Dyke Street

like Dick Van Dyke Bisbee AZ 85603 Put it in your GPS and put it in your GPS. Put it in your GPS. But you're not staying there. Take your meds. Come for the party. Take your meds.

If you're coming, let me know because my brother flies out from Rhode Island to do barbecue for people. He expects 80 people. If we're going to have fucking 150, yeah, let him know. Or don't eat. If your hands are sweaty, wipe them off before you shake your hands. Friday night is the comedy show.

That's a strong fucking lineup. That's a strong lineup. Saturday will be local musicians at my house. Are you performing Friday night as well? I'm hosting. You're not going to do a long set? No, you don't fucking host. Son of a bitch. You don't fucking host you don't son of a

bitch you don't shit i'll you don't shit what you eat or exactly that's nonsense you need to do a goddamn set if i've done it twice it uh yeah when you have to see a town of six thousand people and someone doesn't look at you in the eye they look at you and then look down maybe they're just looking down but in your head you're going, they saw my show and they hate me. Doug Stanhope, you have a mission. The mission is convert that town to the cult of Stanhope. That's why you don't work cruise ships.

Stanhope Sausage Factory, what is it? Sausage Crew? No, we're fucking Sausage Army is Death Squad now. We're just a branch. It's a branch of Death Squad. We've been overtaken by Death Squad. Powerful Death Squad wins again, ladies and gentlemen. The Doug Stanhope experience can be found at DougStanhope.com.

You can follow Doug on Twitter, DougStanhope, at DougStanhope on Twitter. Thank you. Thank you, Doug Stanhope. Thanks to Audible.com for being there for us, you dirty fucks. Chaley fucking crushes Red Band! I don't know what you're saying. Hannigan and Sussman, that's a fucking, that's the Junior Del Santos

fucking... Cain Velasquez. Cain Velasquez. That's next weekend, you dirty bitches. I'm gonna be watching. It's over. From Florida. While I'm fighting a court hearing. Are you gonna be in Florida? Oh, your court hearing. That's right. If you get free, come to Vegas. I'll hook you up. Thanks to, uh, look, Thanks to everybody that came last night.

And I think I speak for Doug. Oh, Chaley's coming to the Super Bowl. Are you coming to the Super Bowl? He's got shit to do. I have more important things to do. We had last night for real was probably the greatest night of our comedy. We'll do it again in Vegas. We're going to do it again.

We're going to do it again in bigger places. We'll do it again in Vegas. We'll do it again in L.A. We'll do it again in vegas we're gonna do it again we're gonna do it again in bigger places and and more we'll do it again in vegas we'll do it again in la we'll do it again as many places as we can it last night was amazing uh i don't know what to say other than the shit that i say over and over again i i just couldn't be happier i don't i don't know how it all happened but i'm happy as fuck um thanks to audible.com to go to audible.com forward slash joe get 30 free days and one free audio book. It is a great service, and they are a great supporter of the podcast. Go to onnit.com.

That's O-N-N-I-T. Use the code name Rogan, and you can save yourself 10% off any and all supplements. And one of the things that I always like to stress about Onnit is that Onnit has it has a 100 money back guarantee on all supplements for the first 90 days are we running out of time yeah we had like seconds suck it bingo took all the super brain to cure her mental illness see you soon fuck faces i love the shit out of you Thank you.