The Joe Rogan Experience - #305 - Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: January 2, 2013

Joe sits down with Bert Kreischer.

Dude, there's a conspiracy afoot. You have to put the Rory McDonald Joe Rogan podcast check it out. You got to put that back in there. Because in not doing that, there's a conspiracy. There you go. The Joe Rogan Experience. This is very disrespectful to remove a dude's call out. I was just pushing the wrong button. Experience. Right now we've heard it so many times. It's sort of like... I actually think we need somebody else to add to it. Uh-oh, don't say that. You can't request those, though, dude. I'm making a request. I told you, I'm planning mine.

You shouldn't request them. I'm planning mine when I do it. It's going to be on a big... It's going to be on Rachel Ray. And I'm going to make her say it on accident. And I'm just going to get her to slide it in. I had a dream about her last night. You love her, huh?

No, I don't. God damn it. You kind of do a little. Fuck. Start off the gates. No, I don't. Not bad. I do love her. But you love her. Yeah, I love her, huh? No, I don't. God damn it. You're trying to do a little. Fuck. Start off the gates. No, I don't. Not bad. I do love her.

But you love her. Yeah, I love her. You know, there's women that I love that I'm not in love with them, but I love them. She's just really cool. What's that? Oprah. Donna from the UFC. She's a woman who works for the UFC.

She's the nicest lady of all time. I love the shit out of her. Yeah. Oprah? I kind of love Oprah a little bit. See, I know you love Oprah. I do. Would you fuck Oprah? No, I don't love her like that. Think about it. Think about it. Think about it. No. No, of her. Yeah. Oprah? I kind of love Oprah a little bit. See, I know you love Oprah. Would you fuck Oprah? No.

I don't love her like that. Think about it. Think about it. Think about it. No. No, hold on. No. Let's back it up.

Well, I'd fuck a dude if you left me in prison. Let's be realistic. You wouldn't fuck Oprah? I would probably fuck Oprah, yeah, for sure. But it's not what I would like to do. You'd fuck a dude if you left me in prison? I mean, you're asking me some fucking ridiculous questions. You know, I used to have a whole bit about about there was a hole in the wall of my house.

I think I would fuck it. It was warm and I came home drunk and I stuck my finger in there and be like, wow, Jesus. No, I can't believe I fucked my house again. It was like a stupid bit, a whole bit about fucking my house. Yeah, I'd fuck her, bro. Yeah. Well, I just love her. Really?

I love what she does. It sounds ridiculous, but every time I look at Oprah, she's always promoting positivity. Everything is positive. Everything is, let's go to Africa and start a school. Let's help these people. Let's tell you how to eat right. Let's tell you how to be healthier. Let's tell you how to make your house more eco-friendly.

It's like, everything's positive. She's such a positive person. I bet she'd improve your life a little bit. It's like a weird thing with people. If you say that you like Oprah, someone will say, what the fuck are you talking about? Why would you like Oprah? Do you like this woman show where a bunch of fucking catty wenches sit around and talk nonsense. And men go on there and essentially Uncle Tom it and pretend to agree with her and hee hee hee.

How great would it be if you see the pan across the audience when she does my favorite things episode and it stops on Joe, just real excited. Wonder what we're getting. With his purse. She's always struck me as being a person who, like, legitimately used all of her stardom in a good way. Yeah. Like, there's no, like, crazy, like, stories of extravagance that you hear about her, you know, like, doing crazy things.

She's always, like, being positive and doing nice things. Like, for someone as that successful, that's pretty fucking rare. I think that's to be commended. And if that makes me some sort of a girly man, then fine. I'm a fucking girly man. Would you rather fuck her or Ellen? I don't think I'd like to fuck either one of them. I respect those ladies.

I don't think that they need me inside of them. If you had to choose one. If I had to choose one? Or that dude Fallon did. I would have to interview them both. Or Jimmy Fallon. I don't think they need me inside of them if you had to choose one if I had to choose one or that that did I found it. I would have to interview the both or chief Allen Wait, you're sure it would be the one who's the into it the most the one who wants to give it a shot You know how do you I would say listen the the aliens are gonna make us fuck okay? It would be like a Star Trek episode remember where it wasn't that part of the

Fuck that green chick Wasn't that part of the... We kept the cricket and fucked that green chick. Remember? I don't know if they followed through with the fucking... Maybe my plot line's off my mind. My point is, if you were alone with them and said, Listen, ladies, the aliens have intervened, so I've got to fuck one of you. Okay?

To save the world, we have to fuck. So, who's into it? Who wants to give it a shot? So you let them pick? Fuck yeah. Well, whoever is the... I'd go, listen, one of you is going to have to sacrifice. Okay, we're going to have to do this.

Yeah. So whoever it is, I'm fine with either one of you. I definitely wouldn't fuck Oprah. I would want it to be the one who wants it the most. I want to just see the curtain come down. You never know. But what if Ellen was like, I've been thinking. I'm more attracted to Ellen.

Maybe I'm not lesbian. What if she was thinking, like, Bert bird if you just just me correctly once i would push her right back over the fence carry me to the bed and and make sweet love to her that's what every guy believes right in the back of his mind you can't change someone's sexuality every guy believes that lesbians are only lesbians because they ain't got a piece of this sweet that's what i'm saying i'd make ellen wear a wig and I would eat her out for like an hour and then fuck the shit out of her and she would be like what the fuck she really Jesus other but two lesbians in New York for a while yeah who Ellen no get fucked yeah

exactly like oh my god I felt so much better so what she wants is probably a man that behaves like a woman. And she can be the man. Why do you think he bought Justin Bieber that car? I bet Justin Bieber hit that shit. Who bought that car? Ellen bought Justin Bieber this really expensive shiny robot car. Oh, that chrome one.

Yeah, Ellen bought that for him after he fucked the shit out of her probably. You think so? I don't think so. He's too young to know what the fuck to do to a lesbian. Oh, he knows. You've got to be very careful if you're trying to break in a lesbian. By the way, if you're a lesbian right now and you're getting offended by this, how dare you take yourself so seriously, you pussy-eating freak.

Finger yourself and chill out. And you stop. You're down there licking boxes and you think that I'm a weirdo? I love you. Do whatever you want. That's not my point. My point is if you were going to try to talk a lesbian over from the dark side, you have to be a man of experience.

I would have to say you have to be a strong man of some accomplishments probably in your late 20s at least. It's impossible. I lived with lesbians for two years in New York and there was no... That's something that you... That's the signal they were sending out to you, they were not interested in fucking you. The only time that you saw them interact with men,

you were around as well, so you tainted the entire experiment. My study group was contaminated. Well you were in it. Well they, oh no, these fucking women, they don't have nothing to do with men. They were repelled by me. Yeah, because you were with them 100% of the time that you were with them. Yeah.

So all your database they were drawing from, their behavior was around you. No, but I think they were. They were there as well. If they want to send any freak signals of a fucking possible gangbang, you get them drunk and they're like, well, all right, let's just try it, boys. Come on, everybody together. No, you were around and they were like, we don't like guys at all. Did you get that? Did you get that? Did you get that you get that did you get that burt no dick at all burt's like okay shit no they were there they were i dated one of them for a while the defense rests that's just what i just

said you did it to him burt you turned him you turned them you can do that if you if you're a shitty enough boyfriend you can't turn a chick I I don't I don't know about that either boy maybe I'd maybe you can't you do see some of those women they're just like and they're like late 50s and they're like they're just like I'm better with another woman well I think that there's nothing wrong with the idea of loving somebody, whoever you love. If you love a man, if you love a woman, if they love you back. Whatever you guys like doing together, I'm all for it, 100%. But when you look at, try to speculate why a person goes gay, why a person does this,

there's so many factors you have to take into consideration who the fuck knows psychologically who the fuck knows physically what anybody thinks or feels who knows so it's so hard to like point in any individual one but i think that ultimately it would be a little easier in this culture for a woman to like just give up on men and have and start having a relationship with other women because it's sort of much more culturally accepted than if a man just was like stop trying to get laid like really straight but girls just won't fuck them but guys are always trying to fuck them and he's like all right come on come on come fuck me somebody's gotta fuck i'm fucking somebody and someone's fucking me i guess i'm gay now that's much rarer that a

guy will uh i've never heard of a guy giving up on women yeah right but women do give up on men like i've talked to women and you you know you ask them like you know the i talked to one who was gay then she was straight and then she was gay again and uh and i said and i was like well what happened like what what like that's it was just you were changing like your body was changing She goes I just I gave up She was I just I when I was hanging out with girls like we could be cuddling together And you know and nobody would you know be angry at me or yell at me or hit me? And it was just like it was warm and friendly. There's never that feeling of violence like some girls again a bad loop

There'll be a brown a certain type of guy and then they'll find themselves like repeating that pattern for some strange reason like they're attracted to these guys that are like really abusive and mean to them there can be abusive lesbian relationships like that was one of the things that were the ones i love they beat the shit out of each other that's so crazy like they get fucked up and then something would pop off and next thing you know someone would throw a punch and then i'd try to break it up so then because i was there were my friends so i'd break it up and then something would pop off and next thing you know someone would throw a punch. And then I'd try to break it up. Because they were my friends. So I'd break it up and then they'd start fighting me. I remember one time I had one by like the shirt and I was holding the door that I had thrown the other one in and I wasn't letting them get at each other.

When I was young when I was doing Taekwondo there was this lady who was like a U.S. national champion that trained out of our gym. And she was a lesbian. And she was really aggressive. And she would spar with men and fucking light them up. Really? And she was a black belt. Wait, have you sparred with many women? She was really good.

Very rarely. And when you do... Yeah, I'm sorry. Excuse me. I got a load caught in my throat. A load of phlegm, ladies and gentlemen. When you spar with them, you've got to be very careful. You can't hit them hard.

You can't just beat the shit out of them. No, not at all. You mostly move and just be defensive. If you really hit them, you have to really check your power. You have to be really nice. I've never seen a... Well, I've seen guys get a little too. Like, I've never seen a... Well, I've seen guys, like, get a little too rough,

but I've never seen it, like, accepted where everyone says, like, you know, the women have to fucking get in there and fucking fight just like men. If you want to be in the bar gym? Yeah, if you're sparring

with a chick, you better be technical and just be real gentle with how you hit them. I don't think I could ever spar with a chick. I have. You know, if you spar

with the right ones, it's cool. You know, it's just like they have to trust you, you have to trust trust them that's the whole thing about sparring the beautiful thing about jujitsu is that you can go full blast that was the scariest thing about jujitsu no no that's the most beautiful thing because you can't really do that in kickboxing see when when you're in kickboxing if you go full blast you can you can do it every day if you want but that your brain is not gonna fucking last it. It's just not. It's not going to last.

And you will ruin your body before you ever get to a high skill proficiency. Like there's this misconception that it will make you tougher if you just put the gloves on and just fucking wail at each other. I mean in a certain sense, yes, it will make you less terrified of going to war because you go to war every day. But in another sense, it won't make you better at war. It's too violent. It's at war. It's too violent. It's too crazy. It's too dangerous. The best way to learn is to learn with someone who you

know is not going to hit you hard. Like if you and I were sparring, I would know that you wouldn't be a dick and you wouldn't hit me full blast. And I would never hit you full blast. And so if we just sort of hit each other like that, so when you move and you catch each other, and you're going fast. You go fast. But when you kick each of hit each other like that so when you move and you catch you and you're going fast you go fast but when you kick each other you go like that you just pull it back you just sort of stop at that and it hurts a little bit but not bad yeah and that's the way

to spar because when you spar that way then you understand timing and movement and you can do it much freer so you can absorb kind of hold off at the end yes you pull back and you can do it much freer so you can absorb information. So you just kind of hold off at the end. Yes, you pull back and you absorb information much, much better. And then occasionally you spar hard. And occasionally spar hard just to sort of put it together, just sort of make sure you can do it under pressure. But the real power work is never done in sparring. Power work should be done hitting the bag, hitting the mitts. That's where you go full on, full blast.

With sparring, you're just working timing and positioning. That's for for the most part that's why the guys that are really technical like the the ties a lot of the ties especially because they fight a lot they don't spar that much most of what they're doing is like hitting the bag and hitting pads because these motherfuckers might have a hundred fights plus you know so they don't they don't wear themselves out. Bless you, my child. Bless you. So they're much more conservative with their bodies as far as how they abuse their bodies in training. But in a lot of American MMA camps, they get this crazy idea that you're supposed to just fucking bang it out all the time. And so they'll have these full power sparring sessions.

That's what a lot of people used to do. A lot of people were a little bit ignorant as to the effects on the brain. God, now you see that and you look at people and you're like, wow, they're going to have a tough time. You look at Brett Favre or someone like that and you're like, so this happens to all those dudes. What's the dude's name that was on the cover of Sports Illustrated recently? He used to be the quarterback for the Chicago Barrett. Jimmy McMahon. And he like, she won't let him drive because he gets lost.

Yeah. Like, that's fucking terrifying. And he was one of those, like Brett Favre, like rough and tumble, like really put it at him quarterbacks. I'm going to fucking bang heads if we need to bang heads. Well, kudos to him for being honest about this, too, because he sounds fine. Like when you hear him talk in interviews he was in denial about all this didn't bring it up he sounds fine like he was

doing that uh what was that i remember that dude sports show he's got a sports show no some guy it's a radio show but it's also on tv anyway it's not not important uh dan patrick yes thank you dan pat powerful dan patrick so anyway he was a Dan Patrick show, and when he was talking to him, he sounded like completely normal. He said, well, sometimes they were telling stories about they would find him in the kitchen, not knowing where he was going, how he got there. He'd just be stuck. And when I was a young kid, he was a superstar. Oh, he was a fucking monster. He used to go to golf courses and play barefoot.

I just remember, that's the fucking celebrity that I remember. Like, when you have something fascinating. Why would he play barefoot? Just, he's eccentric. And they would let him do that? He was Jim fucking McMahon. Some guys play pool barefoot. Really? Yeah, yeah. I always thought it was really weird. But, I bet

a lot of what pool's about is like about feeling the table and feeling the floor like it's about feel so maybe playing barefoot would be good a lot you know that's a big thing the majority working out now working out barefoot yeah i'm working out barefoot uh they uh steve maxwell's a big proponent of this stuff and especially like doing kettlebell workouts and stuff don't drop it on your fucking foot stupid i dropped a fucking i dropped a dumbbell i mean i'm doing uh i'm doing i sometimes i'll do this quick like shoulders buys uh lats like just bang them out like 10 10 10 right with weights and so i'm doing them and i put the weights up to rest i put them on the arm of my couch and i'm watching tv and all of a

sudden i just hear just and it right on the top of my foot and i was and it had a dent in it and i was like motherfucker i just broke my foot and I was and it had a dent in it and I was like motherfucker I just broke my foot and I got you know when you like when you like you ever cut your Finger cutting onions and then the second you cut it. You're like I want to take that moment back Like I don't want that moment to happen. Yeah, you feel so stupid. Yeah You ever reminded somebody because you weren't paying attention. You left your foot off the break a cop Fucking cop I had a stick shift and I sneezed brake? A cop. Oh! Fucking cop. I had a stick shift and I sneezed and hit a cop.

Oh, my God. Oh, no, you didn't. Yeah. Fucking state trooper just, bam, got out of his car like confused. That's hilarious. Oh, here, I got to mention this. Finally, Death Squad Ohio and Death Squad Scotland, your products have arrived.

and Death Squad Scotland. Your products have arrived. These are this Buckfast is apparently like a really dangerous Did you scan this shit for LSD? You just taking this stuff from random fans? No, I just opened the top. I just opened the top.

This easily could be laced. Is it a wine? Everyone gives me bottles and they always say hey bring this.A. and give it to Joe. In the future, don't do that shit. Well, it's too late. We're already starting drinking it. Thank you, gentlemen, whoever purchased it.

It's very kind. All their names are written on it. We appreciate it very much. It's very cool. It's one of the nicest things about this podcast is how many cool people we have met and how many cool people it affected. You know, the most – I hate to use that word powerful again, but that's the perfect place for it. The most powerful messages that I get are all these people telling me that, like, the podcast changed their life. Like, I all of a sudden became ambitious.

Like, I lost 100 pounds. Did you see that dude who lost a ton of weight he posted his pictures not just one man i said a couple and uh like a couple together they they each lost more than 90 pounds and they came to one of my shows it's well it's like it choked me up man it chokes me up right now when i'm talking about it it's uh it's open to line of dialogue that is that is unlike twitter or facebook because you're having genuine conversations with people that are listening. And then they know a part of you and you forget that you tell them that. So like everyone knows your secrets. They know everything about you almost.

And then for stand-up, it makes stand-up even crazier because then you go to do stand-up and they're like, ooh, tell the time that you peed on your girlfriend's dining room table. And I'm like, that's not a joke. And they're like, just tell it. Like they don't even care. Like everyone's yelling flying dildos now. You should make that a bit. Hey, Brian, give me some of that science jazz, too. Is there any more of that?

Yeah, there is, right? Oh, I just drink it on the rocks. You guys got ice? Yeah, we have ice now. So, yeah, it's been crazy. You know what's so funny, man? Everyone that we've done these trip flip things with, the majority of them are all Death Squad fans. I told you that one group,

one couple I took to Vegas, I found them in Denver. They heard me the night before, the day before on your podcast mention, and they come riding up on their bikes and they tell me this sweet story about how they biked all through Europe and they didn't have any entertainment,

so they just listened on his iPhone to Death Squad and Joe Rogan podcasts. And they're like, it's so funny. You guys basically traveled through Europe with us because every night we'd listen to you guys in our tent. And I was like, wow. And then they're like, it's so crazy to be partying with you. I will say this.

Everyone in Austin, Texas, I am looking for new Trip Flip contestants. Oh, shit. Saturday. This Saturday? Are you doing a set down there while you're there? I don't know. I might go down. You've got to do a set.

I talked to the club. How often do you work in Austin? Once a year,. I might go down. You've got to do a set. I talked to the club. How often do you work in Austin? Once a year, but I haven't worked there yet because I always have to cancel. I love that place. I think I might go back and do a club because I just did a theater there. I'm going to go back to a club. Yeah, I want to work on some new shit. That's a fucking – I want to go to that club.

I emailed them and told them that I was going to be down. She's like, yeah, come down. But I don't know the protocol because I don't really know the club the comic headlining of like me going Oh, yeah, that's an issue with a lot of guys and I know that I'm not saying that I'm Better than he is or anything, but I know that I would I would offer to go last cuz I've never heard of him Right and and I but I don't want to say that cuz then that no yeah That's the correct thing is to offer to go last because you don't want to interrupt the guy's set. You definitely don't want to trample on his material. The worst thing in the world is if a guy does the guest set before you and he does a bit that's like on one of the subjects that you're going to cover as well.

It makes your shit look redundant. That is an issue with guest sets. So I just didn't know. So I was like, maybe I'll just go down with my crew and get fucked up. Especially if someone goes long. That's me. I've seen that down with my crew and get fucked up. Especially if someone goes long. That's me. That's me. I've seen that.

That's pretty gross with guest sets. You ever seen a guy just come in, does 45 fucking minutes, and then brings it. I mean, I've seen that a couple of times with big name guys, and you're like, wow. I definitely have the tendency to go long. But I've never really done a guest set for anyone, so I don't know. I'm sure I fuck in. But then again, the guy could be a scrub and, you know, really fuck him. Make him follow you.

Jason Tebow always does that. He really shouldn't be on that stage anyway. That's possible as well. So, yeah, if you're in Austin, and I guess I'll tweet if I get to do a show down there, but if you're in Austin and you want to be on Trip Flip, I have some pretty amazing. And say you have your kids and you want to bring your kids. I just got notes from the network that I could take a whole fucking family somewhere. You don't want to take your fucking kids with Bert, Christ. You don't want to take your kids with me?

Oh, wait. I just realized that. That would fucking suck. Oh, but so if you want any information, go to BertBertBert.com and it's on my blog. All the information of where to meet and all that shit for Austin. By the way, that's a fantastic name. BertBertBert.com. It's just so rememberable. I tried to get Bert. That, Bert, Bert. It's just so, so rememberable.

I tried to get Bert. That was for a dog. This guy had a website dedicated to his fucking dog. And I was like, well, yeah, I was like, well,

this dog, and it looked old. So I was like, it'll die. And then it died. And then he sold the fucking site to somebody for how much? I don't fucking know. You know,

it was the hardest part. I was trying to name my podcast. Cause I was like going through all the fucking names. And then you're like, well, whatever you name it, everyone's going to say it sounds gay. So is it this weekend that you're going to go to Austin? This Saturday. I'm in Austin. There's a dude named John Ramsey.

Okay. So John Ramsey, we're just going to put this out there. Just let the Twitterverse reach out to John Ramsey and say, dude, do you mind if Burt Kreiser goes 15 minutes after you on Saturday? I hope you don't. Cut to, I see him and he's like, not cool. Anonymous took my email

account. They took my email account. I just got hacked. One of my emails just got hacked the other day. That is possible. Alright, John, I'll see you this weekend. Yeah, that's funny. Yeah, John Ramsey. So that's the cat who's playing there this weekend.

Cap City Comedy Club is one of the best clubs in the country. Fucking literally one of those legendary clubs. They're all dead now. Cap City is one of the last ones standing. I mean, the last stop in Houston was a great fucking room. Yeah. Did you ever do that? Before they moved it. Before they moved it, yes. I mean, the last stop in Houston was a great fucking room. Yeah. Did you ever do that?

Before they moved it. Before they moved it, yes. After they moved it, I never even went back. I said the opening weekend there, the grand opening weekend, I took a girl there that I used to date, and we fucked on the couch after the show, and she left a little spot there. And last time I went there, the spot was still on the couch. Yeah, I don't think they wash green room couches a lot.

Jesus. What a scary story, son. I fucked her on the couch. Wait, was anyone there? She should go on the trip flip. She lives back in Texas now. What if their kids are annoying? What? What if their kids are annoying? You're on a trip with a bunch of people.

I don't know. I told them, Travel Channel's been fucking amazing. This season's trip flip they i mean i i can't really go into too much detail but i think they've i know for a fact they've said we really value you and we want you to have more fun on the shows we want don't want you to be so much in the box so now this season it's kind of like they said no rules you can You can do whatever you want. I mean, we have had some, we went to Australia and had some fucking insane, crazy, one day they just gave me a car and the two travelers, and they're like, get lost, see what you find. Like, Travel Channel's been really cool. So then they were like, I go, I'd love to take more than two people, like, just to break it up.

And they're like, well, fuck it. If you find something that's right, take them. If you find something that's right, take them. I saw the first cut of the two episodes, of their premiere episodes, and they're fucking hilarious. They're so funny. And Travel Channel saw them,

and they fucking love it. They're keeping them up. That's awesome, man. The show should be exponentially better. It was a great show last year, but it should be exponentially more and enjoying and entertainable. Never mind. What the fuck are you saying? My brain just fucking spiraled. It just blew a gasket. You talked for too long and you read lines.

That horrible sound in the black smoke. Oh, Jesus. That Jameson and this Zenergy fruit punch. Mix it with the fruit punch. It tastes like roller skating rink Jameson. Roller skating rink Jameson? Look, I know I work for the UFC and everything. I'm a suspect of someone who works for the UFC, promotes a UFC product, but this shit

is delicious. It's probably terrible for your heart. Is there a lot of caffeine in this bitch? Let me see. Can you read that, Brian? I can't read that the caffeine it's got and well this one has zero calories which I totally dig I woke up last night thirsty as fuck and I went into the kitchen I was I've been drinking from my flight before and then partying with this guy Tom I went in and I grabbed what I thought was a box of Zeno coconut water. Yes.

Egg whites. Fucking gulp egg whites. Did you feel like Rocky? I fucking wanted to throw up so bad. You must have immediately the feeling of like how horrible that. I didn't even catch it until like. Because you know coconut water does have like a weird taste. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I didn't catch it until I was second gulp. Oh my God. But like two weeks ago I had a beer with a raw egg in it so i what and i didn't freak out over that so if i if i hadn't had that preparation of the beer and the raw egg it's called a brogue they crack up pour take an egg did you hear about that guy that died what there's a guy who died in an egg eating contest no yeah he like broke some world record and the the most eggs ever and then choked? Yeah. I don't know, man. Hold on.

I'm going to pull it up. I got a dude named Juan More Bite. I retweet his shit all the time. He ate a jar of peanut butter in 30 seconds. Whoa. And he's got the video. He just hasn't fucking loaded it up yet. Okay, here it is.

A man died after eating 28 eggs for a bet. Wow. For a bet? Yeah, he just took a bet. This energy has 13 milligrams per ounce. It is 16 ounces. That's math. That's math.

Yeah, you lost me. Oh, my God. It seems like... Per ounce. Oh, this is so crazy. It seems like he swallowed the eggs. Whole? Yeah. Oh, the eggs. Whole? Yeah.

Oh, the shell and everything. Yeah. What a fucking idiot. Oh, my God. Well, he lived in Tunisia. You know how slow the internet is out there? It's hard to get some solid information on egg eating. Yeah, apparently it seems like that's what this article is saying,

that this guy swallowed them. This is their Google search is, yummy, can eat eggs. And he's like, yes. Yeah, he was in. I bet Tunisian bets are fucking crazy. That was a real story. Wow. This dude ate a whole entire Denny's entire Hobbit menu in 20 minutes.

What? The whole Hobbit menu. He's not even. One more bite. Is this one more bite? Yes. There's my guy. This guy can eat a jar of peanut butter in 20 minutes. The whole Hobbit menu. One more bite. Is this one more bite? Yes. There's my guy. This guy can eat a jar of peanut butter in 30 seconds. A jar of peanut butter in 30 seconds.

Is it one more bite? What the fuck is wrong with us that we're impressed with that? Oh my god. That skill could have been developed doing something else. The focus that allows him to eat a pound of peanut butter in 30 seconds. He could have been really good at the tightrope or something impressive. The Hobbit. I guarantee you this is it.

The guy could have been great at writing books. He needs to focus on doing something positive and not eating a lot quick. I want to say this. I'm speaking out of school, and I know Adam is going to say that this isn't true, or maybe he is or maybe he isn't. This is what I heard. Denny's offered Adam Richman a million dollars to eat $40 worth of food. Wait a minute.

Say that one more time. Denny's. No, I'm fucking this up because I've heard this third hand now. And Adam hasn't told me this. I'm just telling you what I heard. Denny's offered Adam a million dollars if he could eat $40 worth of their food. He had to order $40 and if he could eat $40 worth of their food. He had to order $40, and if he could eat it all day. It would be awesome if you had Googled this

before we actually started talking about it here, because it could be total horseshit, and Denny's could be like, you know what? That fucking show promotes propaganda, and they just make things up. And that Burt Kreischer guy, that guy's a fucking asshole. We're not planning on giving anybody $40. Don't call him.

I'll put him on the spot. What is the, I'll Google it. So Adam Richmond put him on the spot. What is the I'll google it So Adam Richmond, that's his name Richmond Yeah, I see H mo n you know, it's It might have been I hop I don't may have been something like that, okay, let's see Don't come up. No, maybe i made it up you motherfucker i like how you just give up fucking no i my memories are so clouded now i start telling people something to happen oh no and i'm like i think i dreamed that oh here no you are right

i knew it it's his name is adam. Yeah, that's what he said. I had it spelled wrong. Yeah, I had a D. That's the comedian. Okay, here it is. You were absolutely right. Oh, yeah. America's diner for more than 50 years has issued a special challenge to Man vs. Food

star Adam Richman, daring him to prove that he can eat $40 worth of items at a Denny's all day, every day. $2, $4, $6, $8 value menu. The throwdown which was issued. Why are we echoing this? Because I think it's cute if we put it there. Don't do it. Shut your mouth. Shut your mouth and speak when spoken to.

Was accompanied by a pledge from Denny's to donate $12,468 to Special Olympics. I hate when they do that. If you're going to make a bet, let's make a fucking bet. Don't say you're doing it for cancer because you're not doing it for cancer. You're doing it because you want to pump yourself up. Denny's. Give the guy the fucking money.

It says Denny's everywhere, you fuck. I don't care how much you're giving to fucking cancer research or whatever you're doing. Children, homeless, whatever it is. AIDS, whatever it is. AIDS, whatever it is. It's about Danny's, you sons of bitches. If you want to make a bet, make a fucking bet. I would like to see that televised. I'm not saying that Adam Richman shouldn't give all of his money to charity

because I think he should. So wait, they were going to give him a million dollars and 13? Actually, if he could eat it, I think he should at least keep 50%. Yeah. It's just one meal. He's eating a 72-ounce steak and an 11-pound pizza. What the fuck must it be like to be known for being able to eat a fuckload? But he fails, too.

Oh, sure. You can fail at eating a lot of food. These competitive eaters. Man, this guy won more bite. I'm of food. These competitive eaters. Man, this guy, one more bite. I'm telling you, this guy's amazing. He ate a fucking 16-pound burger. Me and – we tried to do it. You couldn't fucking do it.

This guy ate it in fucking 30 minutes. Dude, I was at the greatest overeating episode in the history of the world. I was there when Pat from Woonaki drank 70-some-odd shots. I'm going to throw up. I listened – I only have that podcast with you and Bill Burr on my iPad Mini or my little shuffle. And I was going for a walk yesterday at Marco Island two days ago. And I listened. I was like, oh, Bill.

And I go, it's been so long. I probably won't remember this one. And then the second you guys talked about that, I started gagging again. I got to remember this one. Fucking, because I saw it online, that Baby Bird shit. That's the most disgusting thing I've ever fucking seen. It was the most disgusting O'Ready episode. How could someone – I mean those names are etched in my head forever because of that moment.

That dude Pat Duffy who was that intern from the Opie – for folks who don't know what the fuck we're talking about, this is kind of a specialized little story. Opie and Anthony had an eggnog eating contest. And who was there? Ari was there. Were you there, Brian? No. No, you weren't there. Were you there, Brian? No. No, you weren't there. No, I was live streaming it from Ari's phone somehow.

Right. Something weird. Something crazy like that. Bill Burr was there. Anyway, Opie, Anthony, Jim Norton. And they had this kid named Pat Duffy who's an intern. And this kid was completely crazy. He would do anything.

He would brush his teeth with dog shit. He was just down for the cross. Is that really something he did? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He did that. He was completely crazy. He would do anything. He would brush his teeth with dog shit. He was just down for the cross. Is that really something he did? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He did that. He was completely crazy. He's awesome. And when the end of the eggnog contest was getting close,

the guy who won was actually a diabetic. Pat Fumunaki. Pat Fumunaki. He wins every year. You can't stop him. He's a giant. His body fits more. I think I met him one time.

He's fucking crazy. He's like a great guy yeah very funny guy too actually by the way he is very funny yeah so he um he makes this uh you know makes the end whatever it was 70 plus odd shots and and he's letting us know he's gonna hurl oh don't don't play it brian so when he says he's gonna hurt we don't need to see this. I have this idea. Oh, fuck! I say, why not have it so that he throws up in Patrick Munaki's mouth? And then someone says, like a baby bird. And that's when it became. Who said this? Is it Norton?

I think it was Bill Burr. Burr? Was it Bill Burr? That's what he said on the podcast. Okay, so it was Bill Burr. You're right. It was Bill Burr. He said it like a fucking.

Oh, my God. So he'd be like a fucking baby bird. Look at him. He's like a fucking baby bird over there. That my bill burr impression that's pretty solid right there look at him he's like a fucking baby bird um so pat from munaki unleashes what can only be described as a cartoonish hurling like did you ever see that movie stand by me does the movie stand by me where yeah where the fat ass fat ass wins the pie eating contest and hurls on everybody? Drinks canola.

And he's projectile vomiting in a way that you never see in the real world. Well, this tops that. God. How can Pat Duffy just sit there? Well, he just did. He's an animal. The guy that got puked on, is he still alive? Yes, he is alive.

That guy threw up in his open mouth, okay? And if you haven't seen it, you haven't gone online, it is one of the – look, I hosted Fear Factor for six and a half fucking years, okay? Six years and a half years coming back. And that was one of the craziest fucking things I've ever seen a person – let a person do to them. That was crazier than Fear Factor for sure. There you are. Hey, look at you.

Awful. God, that is how can it be taught that was me okay that's fucking crazy yeah do you ever watch Anthony's Compound Show? That's one of the reasons why Brian and I started doing this in the first place. Fucking love that. You know who was another big influence, by the way? I hung out with him the other day, and I totally forgot about it. It's Tom Green. Yes.

When we went to his house. Tom Green's been doing this for a long time. Yeah, that's right. He sold all that, though. Why? You don't need it anymore. He started doing comedy so much that he was just like, know I just got it out of his house and he saw his whole he had a whole studio kind of like this in the middle of his house it was pretty

badass really he didn't just have this he had servers he had his own servers so he had one of the rooms he had a bedroom in his house had been completely converted to a server room you go in there's just these racks of machines so he had these fat cables I don't understand the technology behind it all, but it was – We got to get Tom Green back in the state. Oh, fuck yeah. He wants to come on. I love Tom Green.

His name's been coming up a lot recently. I'll tell you one of the things. I've been watching before I released my special, which is available right now at JoeRogan.net. It's only $5. I got it. It's only $5. It's DRM free. How do you like that new business paradigm?

It's fucking awesome. Yeah, I like it. It's awesome. You did it right. You made it so there's no copyright protection. So do you like that new business paradigm? It's fucking awesome. Yeah, I like it. You did it right. You made it so there's no copyright protection. So you have like a Roku. You can just throw it on an SD card and throw it right into the – Yeah. I knew people were going to torrent it, but that's okay.

You know what? A lot of people are going to buy it. It's all good. If you don't buy it, you're just fucking lame. I'm telling you, man. It's all good. It's been super well received. I'm very, very happy. I'm very happy

with people's response to it, that people liked it. You know, this is like I think my fourth or fifth one of these fucking things. It's hard to keep coming up and making sure that each one is better. But I watched this. I didn't watch it for a long time. I watched it and I enjoyed it. I actually

enjoyed it. I was like, that was funny. That's like what I wanted to do. It worked out. Did was like, that was funny. That's what I wanted to do. It worked out. Did your documentary come out, Bert? That's so funny. No, no, it has not. I just talked about that on my podcast today, the one that dropped today on BertCast. I talked about my documentary.

We're talking about doing it the way you did your hour special. Yeah, everybody should do it that way. Everybody should do it that way. Here's my question. Now, do i need to buy a fucking twenty five thousand dollars i'll no i'll set you up don't worry okay i'll explain everything to you i'll explain to you off the air how this i'll handle this whole the um the shift in business is fucking insane it's awesome this it's so great you know this is what's crazy so so i do the podcast based off of, you know, a million conversations, the least of which is Joey, who I've been having coffee with every morning, going, dog, it doesn't fucking matter.

You just get up and talk. And then I have my podcasting stuff in my man cave, and Joey was at my house, and my dad was there, and he was like, whoa, we'll fucking podcast this. This will be your first podcast. So we tape it, my dad, Joey Joey Tom Segura in my man cave and it's so crazy because then you like especially the way you've set up this business because I've rethought it cuz I got all approached by people to be advertisers because I get you know people want to advertise your site I was like no I want to fucking do like an on it I want my on it yeah like I don't want to fucking do like an on it. I want my on it. Yeah. Like, I don't want to just fucking sell to stamps.com.

I'm wearing your shit right now, your fucking t-shirt. Yeah, you're in your t-shirt company. I'm going next level, Brian. I'm going next level. What does that mean by next level? I'm buying a fucking vodka company. Whoa. Fuck yes.

Why not, right? Wow. Machine vodka? Machine vodka. Oh, my God. I love it. Fucking Hartman says. That's a brilliant idea.

Hartman says we put it in all the improvs. Oh, my God. That's brilliant. It's fucking. Oh, my God. I love it. Fucking Hartman says. That's a brilliant idea. Hartman says we put it in all the improvs. Oh, my God. That's brilliant. It's fucking. Oh, my God. That's brilliant. That's so brilliant. How great is that?

It's so brilliant. But it's because of you. It's on it. You said one night you go, I don't know if you remember saying this. It was one of those nights we were drinking whiskey and doing the ice house. And you were like, this is, I forget exact wording, but it was something to the effect of, this is the next level. We're going to the next level.

This is something cool we're all a part of. This is family. Fuck the middleman. Fuck the middleman. You be the man. And I thought you were talking about on it, and I was like, yeah, I want my own fucking product. That's not what I was talking about.

I know. I know. I was like, I want a fucking vodka company. I was talking about doing podcasts. Yeah, I know. I was like, I want a fucking vodka company. I was talking about doing podcasts. Yeah, I know. He's like, I'm fucking starting a business. I was like, oh, OK. Well, that too.

You could do that too. Look, the Onnit thing came out of knowing Aubrey when Aubrey was working for the Fleshlight. Aubrey's in Austin, right? Yeah. I want to kind of get down with that guy. Is he partying still? Oh, fuck yeah. OK.

He's a great guy, man. He couldn't be a nicer guy. And when we met, we instantly hit it off. Brian and I met up with him at the W. Very trendy for a big meeting to sponsor our podcast. That was so weird. It was very trendy. He's very trendy.

He's just the coolest motherfucker ever. We had the rooftop, one of those gazebos. And we're all sitting around on this windy day. And we're like, wow, this is very nice. This is a pool and some random girls walking around. This is what people do in Los Angeles. Yeah. Fucking love your servant, too.

He's amazing. Hey, easy, easy. He just walked up with a cup of ice like I'm in Malaysia. That's Jay Lee. Leave him alone. Yeah, leave him alone yeah leave him alone you son of a um what the we're just talking about aubrey oh so when we got started the idea was that there's there's got to be a way to sell things online like an idea like selling

like having a supplement company where you're doing it like in the most ethical way possible you know you're offering like 100 money-back guarantee in the first 90 days if you don't agree that it's a good product. You provide them with the best fucking shit that you buy. And it only works that way if you have everybody on board that's thinking exactly the same way. And that's, I think, really hard for a company to pull off. So when a company is super ethical, you hear about like companies that are like really cool like google apparently

google's like super cool to work for like everybody who works for google's like super happy apple except except for their their foxcom guys oh yeah those dudes but at the end of the line i guess foxcom's coming to united states they're going to open up a thing, and they just moved production of the Mac minis back to the United States. So I guess Apple's trying to bring their business back to the United States, which is kind of cool. Yeah, you know what they're going to do? Apple's going to dig a fucking hole from China through the center of the earth and pop it out in the middle. And what's – they're going to go. And after everybody has a fucking big grand opening

day for the plant they go sorry no job here yeah no job for you no i'm sorry sorry mr kentucky man no job for you and just the population of asians goes up by a half a million in the states and they just funnel them up they could get 500 million chinese people through the fucking center of the earth before we even know what hit us. Did you see Looper? Yes, I did. Is it good? That movie is fucking awesome.

It's pretty good. Like iTunes had this thing where you could buy Looper early before it comes on Blu-ray for like $16. I'm like – and then you buy it and then immediately it says, oh, available for rent tomorrow. And you're like, oh, that was rude of you to do that. Like they don't say the available for rent tomorrow thing the renting never works out on itunes for me because i always forget i started on a plane and i pass out halfway and then i forget that i have it plus you're a fancy extravagant man why don't i just buy it yeah i'm gonna mine it's in my portfolio yeah but now my sister my sister on my phone i don't like i like who cares about that i'm gonna sit alone in the bathroom while the wife is snoring and watch looper

my sister is in charge i loved it yeah i loved it my sister's in charge of screeners for fox studios she put those shits online son help some motherfuckers out so she so the first day she gets her job is the first day this isers out. So the first day she gets her job is the first day. This is like a year ago. The first day she gets her job is the first day that everyone can get screeners. So everyone fucking inundates her. Like, I need screeners. I need screeners.

She doesn't know what the fuck to do. She goes to her boss. She goes, what do I do? He goes, look, send out a mass email. Cut and paste it to every email and say, if you need screeners, you talk to Tim Jews in the studio store. Hold up. Tim's name is Jews? Tim Jews. J-E-W-S

And Cotty says Tell me this world is real And I'll tell you to go fuck yourself It's a simulation Cotty says to him How do you spell it? And he says Jews Just like the people

J-E-W-S That's ridiculous So Cotty, my sister Types a mass email Cuts him with If you need screeners Go to call Is he Jewish?

I have has to be imagine if his parents well my black's white so maybe not name his first name hates this is our son hates so hates jews so she sends out the email to everyone everyone gets it she sends maybe 300 emails out cuts and pastes at 300 the next day she gets to work and her inbox is slam packed. And she just starts cutting and pasting it more. And then she's realizing, oh wait, some of these people already reached out to me. And she reads the line. There's only one?

Huh? What the fuck? Not cool. Spellcheck had changed Tim Jews to The Jew in the studio store. And she sent out an email to everyone at Fox. If you need screeners, contact the jew in the studio store oh my god the jew can take care of everything the jew god oh my god first day of work oh my god that fucking i swear to god i thought my sister i saw it when she came out to la she's gonna do

stand-up she's so funny your sister she's the funniest human being on death squad she's the funniest human being she got she got into like being an agent and then went over to publicity at fox and now she's she's really happy she was funny as fuck man i thought i pissed on her one night when we were like what you thought you pissed i've never had that happen i've never had that happen like i pissed on someone but i was incorrect she was in like fourth grade maybe and my parents were out of town and i came in just by the night to to take care of her and i went out partying with my buddies the night before and i got fucking wasted and i wake up the next morning she's like school uniform and she's

like do you need to take me to school did you piss on yourself and i'm like no because you smell like piss you smell like fucking piss and so how old was she she's like fucking fourth grade. Maybe I am. She was definitely before fifth grade. What's fourth grade? Probably nine, 10, 10, maybe 11. She had to be,

I had to be over 21. So she had to be 11 years old or 10 years old. So, so I go, I, I go, I don't think so. And I'm just in boxers.

So I get in the car, my windows are down in my car. I get in the car in my boxers. That's all I'm wearing to drop her off to school. And as we take off, it's cold. I turn the heat up we can smell piss it's fucking very like there's piss everywhere and she's like is it you and she leans over to smell my chest and she goes oh my god it's you you pissed on yourself and i'm like oh my god so we ride to school with the windows down the whole time leaning our heads out the windows because it smells so much like piss

what kind of how bad is your piss smell it's so strong you know you've smelled piss like when a dog yeah when it dries out yeah what it is when it's yellow and it's and so we're sitting in the car and it's disgusting i dropped how did you piss on yourself i have no idea she thought i pissed on her because she because i was drunk and i did talk to her in the middle of the night to find out what time she had to get up for school so she remembers me coming into a room and i do have a history with pissing on things so so she we i drop her off at school the second she gets out of the car i don't smell it and i'm like oh shit i pissed on my little sister like i feel fucking horrible because it's not in the car i don't smell it at all i drive home and the second i walk in the door the phone rings and it's her principal and i go hello and she goes i had a

very interesting conversation with Mary Catherine. And I was like, yeah. And she goes, yes. She said that someone had pissed on her or urinated on her, but it was Thelma? And I went, oh, thanks. And I hung up. Thelma was our dog, and she had peed on her jacket. But this woman didn't know that Thelma was a dog.

She just thought some old lady fucking pissed on her. So the dog peed on the jacket, and that's what the smell was? Peed on the jacket, and that's what the smell was her dog peed on the jacket that's what the smell was she put on the jacket oh that's crazy so you you black out so hard you thought you might have pissed on yourself back then i was fucking i was that's hilarious we definitely were just thing and she when she tells that story i'm fucking in stitches oh my god because she was a kid she was a little kid she used to come up to florida state and party with me like i'd my parents were going through a divorce. So she'd come up and hang out at parties.

And we'd send her around with a hat to get money for a new keg. Bitch would come home with, like, fucking $1,000. Did you ever try to get her to do stand-up? I did. I did, and she had no interest. How powerful is the lemon industry? Because, like, I don't think of piss when I think of the color yellow. I think of lemons. And I see piss every day I rarely see lemons

just let it sit there it's got a point he's got a strong point how strong is the little it's a good point because even bananas can't hold claim i mean if you see yellow you think lemon lemon oh it's true but you don't think piss well when you think purple do you think grape yeah yellow can't bananas can't claim yellow the way that lemons can no giraffes no oranges claim oranges oranges claim the fuck that's because they named it doesn't matter they're the only fruit that's a fruit and a color an orange it's a what it will yeah i see it's orange what the fuck is it it's an orange

what the fuck are you saying could you imagine if someone said it's a purple you'd be like go fuck yourself it's not a purple what is it it's a plum is that what it is it's a purple no it's a color and it's a fruit at the same time so So what goes – It's the only thing that I can think of. First thing that comes to your mind when I say blue. Blueberries. Blueberries? Blueberries, yeah. Really? Yeah. I think cold.

Cold owns blue. But at least blue are – it's a color and then there's berries. It works. But just to call something an orange, that's the most ridiculous fucking name in the English language. What, did we run out of sounds that we can make with our mouth there's a fucking fruit and it happens to be orange and you name it the the color how did they wait how did they now that i don't know you got me into a spiral how do they name these things they're idiots a bunch of monkeys back before they had tvs and

that was just the noise they made when they saw it made noises with their mouths do you think one guy stood at the fireplace and was like, orange. Well, how did anybody ever agree to Schwarzenegger? How did anybody ever agree to that? I mean, it's essentially just a noise you make with your mouth to communicate a certain thing. Well, this is the guy. What's his name? I'm not Schwarzenegger.

Come on. That's not your fucking name. Is it uck? Is it ack? Yeah. My name's Joe. What's your name? Joe.

Bert. Yeah. No. I'm not Schwarzenegger. That's too much. it ak yeah what's what's my name's joe you know what's your name yeah no i'm no swiss that's too much you're asking for too many too many things for me to remember you're asking for too many you got like little dots over your letters stop why are you being so weird with how the noise you make to represent yourself that is silly when they have the dots over the letters just make the letter sound like that. Yeah. Just stop it, you silly bitch. What is your name? The fuck is your noise?

What is your noise that I have to make that represents you? And why is it so goddamn long, you needy bitch? Why is it so filled with confusion and silent letters, you fuck? I was thinking I was watching that Buffalo video you posted. Oh, that dude, the white buffalo? Yeah, he hit me back on Twitter. Seems like a nice guy. The open part was funny when he said the guy said his name was Eric.

I'm Eric. And he said I thought that was America. Yeah, he thought he said his name was America. But then I started thinking, do you think in the future people will start naming their kids good names so that they can get the website or the email? Like no one's naming their – I don't think anybody. I don't think anybody names their fucking kid and says, listen, honey, I know it's a stupid fucking name. But it's a good move if we can get the website or the email.

Wait, hold on. If we get the website and the email, I think Rocket Fuckface Punch is a good name for our young'un. Rocket Fuckface Punch will be an industry. I'm thinking as long as we can show that we love our child, it doesn't matter what his name is. Rocket Fuckface Punch is a very happy baby. Did you guys get the MySpace invites, like the invitations to be like, try the new MySpace, invitation only. You have two requests. You don't bounce back from fucking that when you're when your website when your fucking social network

website falls off the map you don't come back that seems true isn't it isn't it funny like they don't we don't allow them to come back they're sort of like rap careers because we're americans we don't allow rappers rappers are not allowed to make comebacks like a band like kiss made a gigantic comeback shit rappers are allowed to make sugar hill gang will not be returning anytime soon yeah but map quest seems like it's still a cool name to this day but but map quest rappers aren't here that's crazy what are you talking about and i'm not even listening to you anymore john is not making a comeback i mean like maybe before it was jam master j that got murdered yeah it may Maybe before he died.

Run DMC were so iconic. Yeah, that's it. They could have done a comeback. You know, LL Cool J never really fell off. You can't really say comeback. He's always had a career. Yeah. But yeah, it's hard.

It's hard for a rapper to fall off. Like DMX. The big DMX thing was that Christmas song. DMX is so fucking interesting. Did you see that Christmas thing that he did? No. Oh, Brian, pull this up. The DMX Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

It's a big viral hit. Somebody asked him if he knows the words to Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Could He Rabbit. Well, apparently he does it all the time. And so he busts out this impromptu Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer rap, and it's like classic DMX. Oh, red nose. You got it. No, you got it. You got to hear it. bust out this impromptu Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer rap, and it's like classic DMX. Oh, oh, oh, Red Nose. You got it. No, you got to hear it.

I'm not doing it any justice. Please pull it up, Brian. It's really good. I know the lyrics. Really, it's really good. Would you do us the honors of spitting Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen Come and keep it an honor and listen But do you recall the most famous man in the world?

Come on! Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. But if you ever saw him, you would even say, Come on! Come on! Come on! Where the dog's at? You still have to call him names. Like what? They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games. Like what?

Come on! Come on! That's fucking awesome! Ride or die! This is all him on a table, slapping his hands. And that jingling, that's his fat chain. That DMX is the best. How can you get DMX on this podcast and can I come and hang out in the room? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If I do, yes. I want fucking DMX. I'm obsessed with that guy. But I love the fact that his chains, he has so many chains around his neck. That's a part of the rhythm. I know. That's part of the music he was playing. I've never seen it used that way before.

He is the purest fucking representation of art incarnate. He just can't help but be fucking that. Did you ever see his reality show? Yeah, yeah, I did. Oh, he was fucking crazy. He should do a whole Christmas album like that. That would be badass. That would sell like fucking crazy.

That's a fucking great idea. Yeah, that would be awesome. We should all wear necklaces. If he did all Christmas songs, maybe we should. We should all wear necklaces and have our own sound. I wear a necklace. What's up, Bert? How's it going?

I'm too terrified of someone grabbing me and choking me with it. I want to hear him sing Frosty the Snowman. Have a breakaway. Yeah, I'd have to have a breakaway. But then breakaways, everybody knows it's a breakaway. They'd snatch it and run on me. Oh, no, no oh no no dude dude chain snatching is some old school shit dude chain snatching exists okay this dude this black dude fought us fought up i he fought me one time he beat me up but uh in high school and he would go to a party and just rip your chain off and he

goes that's mine and donovan was his name scary motherfucker that's annoying chain stealing that was a big part of uh growing up you always hear about people stealing someone's chain hey brian do you want to get killed do not fuck with dmx brian just stop i blame james. Darkman X, you know what his real name is? Whatever you do, just stop for one or two seconds before you do it and just breathe and just think about what you're about to do and say, is this a smart move? Is this a good behavior decision? I feel like I'm talking to my six-year-old. Is this the way to go?

Yeah. He's a special type of person. You've got to get DMX on this show. I don't have to, but I would. I would love to. You know who? Who's that guy that's on your message boards right now that people are requesting? Lotus.

Flying Lotus. Yeah. We used to talk to him back in the MySpace days. Yeah, yeah. I would love to have him on the podcast. Who's Flying Lotus? He's brilliant, man. Yeah, he's a really interesting musician.

Yeah. What did he do? He wasn't. Yeah, he's a really interesting musician. Yeah. What did he do? He wasn't – yeah, he was. He was a part of the Dance Floor Dale or Dance Hall Dale. Wasn't that his music? I don't think – was it? Yes, yes. Pull up Dance Hall Dale.

If you've ever seen – is it Dance Floor Dale or Dance Hall Dale? I don't know. It's Tim and Eric made this video, and I've talked about it before, so forgive me if you've heard this before. But for the interest of my friend, Bert Kreischer. In my opinion, the most brilliant use of the internet that I have ever seen is this video. This video is hilarious. It's real. It's psychedelic.

It's all things. It's just amazing. And Tim and Eric from The Awesome Show did it? It's a chick who's dancing, and the guy comes up to her, and he's dancing. And that's the second one down. The second one down. It is Flying Lotus. See?

Flying Lotus is music, and that's what we said, right? Is he a real rapper? I think it's somebody else. No, it says Flying Lotus, though. Maybe I said the wrong name, too. Oh, I think you're thinking of Bass Nectar. No, no, no, no, no. We need to get him on.

Yeah, he's going to. Lauren, he wants to come on. I was obsessed with that interview. Where are you going with that? I'm gonna show you the... I'll play that video and take a look. Let's find out who the actual person was. I think it is Flying Lotus. I think it's Flying Lotus, but let's just play that video because I gotta show this to Bert. Because the people who haven't seen this... Is it called Dancehall Dale? Dancefloor Dale. Dancefloor Dale.

And I think it's... Is it called dance hall Dale dance floor Dale dance floor Dale, and I think it's it's is it Tim and Eric and Actually, that wasn't the one you're we were thinking of that was like a well That's the one I was thinking of oh there was that was the remix by flying Lotus, but we're what's the one? No, that's it. That's the video. That's it because it keeps going they start fucking you cut it off in the middle No, no, it stopped that video that we were actually watching that was it. Yeah, that was the end of it Yeah here which I different one. Oh oh oh you just must have got a wrong copy of it on youtube but the that is the video though but we don't we don't have to keep have you ever seen tim and eric's you know what the people that are listening to it that's probably

annoying anyway there's have you ever seen tim and eric's uh snl uh intros no no i didn't say copied snl where you know like the person's at the bar and looks down, and the camera catches them, and it's fucking hilarious. The person's at the bar and looks down. You know, like, in SNL, when the intro, the intro, Andy Samberg, and he, like, gets out of a cab and stops. Yeah. And, like, those awkward, they've been doing it forever, but they still do it.

Tim and Eric did a copy, did a version of it, for them for their show it was fucking hilarious the um every now and then like i if i i can't be bothered to like watch a whole saturday night live i just can't they fucked me too many times too many times i watched it and i was like what what did i just watch the good ones get put on facebook exactly exactly like the chinese workers at foxconn with people that were complaining about the iphone have you seen that one? You gotta see it. We played it on the podcast before, otherwise we would

Bill Hader doing a puppet. Who's that? Have you seen it? Bill Hader's, I think that's his name. I'm not sure. He looks like Tiva. It's so fucking hard

to do what they're doing. Some of the good ones, man, are fucking home runs. And you're really appreciative of them putting together entertainment that quickly, week after week. Like, I go, wow.

But then there are so many misses. many misses imagine if you had to do an hour of new stand-up every week how much let me tell you something I think you know I run into so many comics to talk about the the is that it's silly that the whole skits really is something that you probably have to watch in real life. See what that is. I don't know if I could do a show like Saturday Night Live. You could do it, but you wouldn't do it well. That would be an awesome reality show.

If they ever want to make a Saturday Night Live comeback, can you do Saturday Night Live? And then you take a bunch of comics, and you get thrown into having to do Saturday Night Live. I think i think swear to god let's take this to the next level i think i can do it that's quite tv and let's try our own saturday night live i don't want to i like i like podcasts you are great in acting i watched you this week and at the the fucking zoo thing keeps on popping up oh zookeeper yeah that was fun i love doing that i'll do movies at kevin till the cows come home.

He's a great guy. Yeah. But I don't do any other movies. I just passed on a movie the other day. I was happy. I was happy to say no. Really? Yeah.

I mean, for a lot of people who want to be an actor, it sounds like a good time. But Brian Callen acts, and every time we talk about acting, he just talks to me about fucking trailers and waiting all day and being away from his family. And it's like, I don't want to do anybody else's shit anymore. But what if you and Brian Callen did a good cop, bad cop, lethal weapon for the new age? Why would you do that ever? You know what you want to do with Brian Callen? You know what you want to do with Brian Callen? Let Brian Callen be Brian Callen.

Where Brian Callen excels is at being him. That's why when we went hunting, when that video comes out, let me tell you something. We're going to take a lot of that show and put it online because a lot of it was way too ridiculous and over the top and you could never fucking show on this television show

on the Sportsman's Network or the Outdoor Channel. That dude's interesting as fuck. He's very interesting. Steve Rinella? Rinella. He's very interesting. But Callan was fucking hilarious.

Really? I knew that if I went hunting with Callan, first of all – Can I have a cigarette? Brian Callan – yeah, go ahead. Brian Callan is a man. I mean he's a fucking man. There's certain dudes that I just trust with my life, and Brian Callan is one of them. Like if I – if Brian Callan called me in the middle of the night and I i had to drive to russia i would do it you know what i mean yeah there's

certain people that they like he's he's rock solid so i knew that we were going to go camping in montana for five days we're going to go hiking in the the fucking markets 12 degrees outside and we're looking for animals we're looking at animals to murder a new calendar would be down and he didn't disappoint me not one fucking step of the way every step of the way he was there 5 30 in the morning he was up like everybody else there was no complaining there's no bullshit he just went out and and did his fucking thing that's rare dude that's rare that you could find a friend who's never hunted before and you go come on man let's do something crazy and he's not doesn't just do it but excels at it succeeds at it kills a deer and doesn't does the whole thing hikes for miles and miles every day in silence he didn't know steve he didn't know

anybody so steve contacted you and you were like can i bring a buddy yes i knew i like for i'm like for five days i'm like i'm bringing callan we're gonna have probably the most fun ever yeah so for five days freezing our dicks off cracking jokes at each other back and forth. So the video that we're not going to be able to show on TV is probably way better. The ravine comer, the thing that I've been talking about on the podcast before. Brian Callen did a thing where we're gutting this deer. We're cutting this deer into pieces. I just murdered it recently.

So we're standing over the carcass. We're cutting get into pieces and Callan is doing this bit about a guy who only comes in ravines the boxes in there anybody else have a lighter do you have a lighter yeah I'd stole his lighter but it's in that box and Callan is doing it. Sorry. Where the fuck did you go? I fucking threw it behind. It's wrapped up in one of those coils, Brian. Sorry. Callan does this bit. Before the day, remind me.

I'm getting one of those air cleaners. So many people fucking smoke in here. We need an air cleaner. Can you turn the AC on, James? Maybe that helps too. Anyway, Callan does this fucking thing where he pretends that he has a talk show and he interviews people on the talk show and then at the end of the talk show he talks about what they talked about while he jerks off violently into a ravine

it made no sense at all but it was so violent and ridiculous and hilarious for five days it was like i was treated to the brian callan show you know for five days just we just laughed our asses off you did april there's there's there's few people that that you know that you can do things with or that you can like uh like call in favors television favors type things yeah i did that to you i made you do the ski shooting with me yeah that was really that was really fun you know man it was thank you so i had to say thank you i know i said a million times my crew you know what you know my crew said they go uh um you know why we can tell he's a good guy and i said why and he goes because he took a picture he said goodbye and he said goodbye to all of us individually and shook all of our hands

that made you know like my sound guy, John Sayles, is like, they're the only types of men that look you in the eye and say thank you and say goodbye. Like, that's a big fucking deal. I was like, I didn't, like, I never noticed that shit. That's so ridiculous. All you have to do is be polite. Yeah. But people do so many celebrity douchebags.

That's sad. That's sad to me. You know, because it's like the bottom line about being a celebrity, even a low-level celebrity like I am, is that you're in a very privileged position. Yeah. So you have this massive privilege. And if you meet people, the best thing you can do is just be nice

and be happy that these people are trying to be nice to you. But for a lot of people, they look at it like it's some big crazy bother, which, look, it can be if you're in a rush. If you're on the way to the airport and you hit a crowd of people. And if you're a chick. And if you're a chick, it gets creepy. Because there was a girl, Leister Meester, Leighton Meester. What the fuck's her name?

I don't know. Leister Meester. Meester Leister. Imagine if it was like that many. Well, Arnold Schwarzenegger was ridiculous. She was at my show in Marco Island this weekend she's apparently saw gossip girls and stuff and so they they were everyone was like I got done the show and everyone's like you believe she was at your show and I was like not man not enough I

didn't know she was but I didn't know she was so fucking walked over to her and these people wanted a picture with her and so I just assumed I take pictures everyone I go I'll walk you over I said hey she went hey the comedian I was like yeah she goes we like you enjoyed your show I go hey can She went, hey, the comedian. I was like, yeah. She goes, we like you, enjoyed your show. I go, hey, can you take a picture with these people? But I didn't realize she's not dressed up. So she's not like picture ready to like send out in public. She's actually dressed down so no one recognizes her.

Right. Because she's super famous. She's got like fucking 2.5 million followers on Facebook. Really? And so fucking girls are savage. She was in, she was in, she's been in movies and she released a country album. Are you in love? You know, so with her or Rachel Ray.

Okay. You asked me about Oprah and Ellen, her or Rachel Ray. Which one would you, which one would you take it to the, to the fucking. Okay. If it's, if it's, if it's, if I'm compromising the integrity of my marriage and it's going to go public. No, you go into a time machine. You go back in time to before you were ever married. You bring the three before you and your wife ever even met okay you

bring them to you hit it you make your pick and you hit it so my brain went rachel my brain went rachel right away but but i wouldn't i wouldn't do i now i but if i think about it i go she might hear that and i don't want her to feel awkward who's the other girl layton me layton meister whatever the fuck her name is listen gossip girl she can't she can't l-e-i-g-h-2 dude she's hot as fuck listen to me brother listen to me brother listen to me she can't cook she can't cook she can't cook she's too hot for you let's be honest rachel ray is hot but hot you could get that rachel ray is i'm not saying that you could get that. Rachel Ray is hot. I'm not saying that you could get that, but I'm saying in the universe, that's in your wheelhouse, okay? Yeah. I'm not saying that individually, like making her some sort of an object that you could acquire or capture.

Yeah. I'm not demeaning or dehumanizing her in any way, shape, or form, but I'm saying that it makes sense. Capture. See, if I saw you with Tracy Lourdes, I was like, oh, that poor man going to get his heart broke. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want 25. I want someone who wants to own some shit together. Yeah, if I saw you with some, like,

25-year-old 11. So, a 25-year-old just like, you can't breathe when you're standing next to her. That's Leighton Meester. Do you have a picture of her, Brian? That's not good for you. Leighton Meester. You want a girl with, like, a little 10 pounds extra weight, which is not bad. Right. It's kind of hot.

I want some. 10 pounds. A girl who's 10 pounds overweight, a little sloppy, is more likely to stay in bed and fuck you than go to work. You know, that's kind of hot. You know, like calling sick and just banger all day. That's a little sloppy, girl. It's almost like I get turned on by my wife's flaws now.

Like I see them and I go, what? How convenient. I've got this guy on tomorrow. Doctor? Dr. Chris Ryan. He's the one who wrote that book, Sex at Dawn. It's all about what sex was like before civilization. Don't let your girlfriend know that you have that book, by the way. Why?

Because I was dating a girl and she saw that in my car. was like don't let your girlfriend know that you have that book by the way why because uh i was dating a girl and she she saw that in my car because i bought that book and i had in my car and i took it to the airport and i put it in my back seat or something and she's like oh what's this book i'm like oh it's my book and and then she's like oh let me read it and so she read it she's like why do you have that book that's that's like i guess it's it breaks down uh how silly like marriage is and and the relationships with guys and girls, doesn't it? Well, not necessarily. What it breaks down is the origins of monogamy and the sort of –

well, it's going to be really interesting to talk to this guy because one of the things is about promiscuity and about the prevalence of promiscuity in men and women in the early civilizations the way we look at it i think we look at it very differently because we look at promiscuity as in fucking strangers like a girl goes out she gets drunk and she starts fucking strangers that didn't really used to happen back in the day everybody stayed in a tribe and there might be a hundred people in the tribe and the people who fuck people they fuck people in the tribe They found someone in the tribe to fuck the you knew that person intimately everyone else in the tribe knew that person intimately a Situation that we deal with today is very alien the idea that you can meet a person in a city and they're a total complete

Absolute stranger, you know nothing about them and yet you can fuck them that didn't exist before the only way that existed before was when someone came into your village just started raping and pillaging spree but before that you didn't really just meet people and fuck them there wasn't that many people at times you know you were you're dealing with tribes in the you know the dawn of civilization there are 100, 50 people, whatever they are. So you could fuck other people's wives? Well, the idea is that the people were much more inclined to be orgiastic and they were much more inclined to have multiple sexual partners.

But even though you would use the word promiscuous to describe that, the word promiscuity has its roots in a word that means mixed so it doesn't mean it doesn't have the negative connotation that we automatically associate to it with this society what it means is that these people had these sort of inter like they had relationships with several people the women did and the men did and there's apparently a lot of so strong is the evidence to support this that Darwin even changed his take on it from his initial take and moved on to the sort of acceptance that in the dawn of civilization that sexual promiscuity was the norm. So does that mean that insecurity is something that we've kind of stumbled upon? It might not.

It doesn't necessarily mean anything. Were they not insecure? It might not be bad. It might be evolution. The idea that we should continue along the same path as the people that were around thousands and thousands of years ago, to me, seems rather silly. It seems silly socially. It seems silly in terms of how we deal with war and how we deal with slavery and how we deal with a lot of other issues like religion I mean there's a lot of other issues that we have evolved to a much higher level of human communication and evolution and understanding of like how people operate so why wouldn't that be the case

sexually as well you know and I think it probably is and I'm not I'm not like a proponent of monogamy but I know some people that are monogamous that are happy I'm a mess yeah I know but I'm saying the idea that it's impossible the real issue for a lot of people is compatibility and you being someone who has their own shit together because if you don't have your own shit together you're never gonna find somebody else who has their own shit together because if you don't have your own shit together you're never going to find somebody else who has their own shit together and so you're just going to be fucking fine messes they do they they attract each other and they smash heads until

they both get obliterated in a fucking sea of meth it's crazy how easily you can point out a mess you can go that fucking person's a mess but you can't like but you can't point it out to them you can't like i've tried i've tried to be listen, this is what's going on. Well, your mindset has to be in a place where you can see it. Your mindset has to be in a place where you're willing to accept information and you have the idea in your head. You're focused on the idea of progress and of moving forward. And that really is as simple as your consciousness directing the thoughts. But it's hard to get on a tight groove like that.

And that is one of the things that I've been most proud of about this podcast is the ability to affect people in a positive way just because they can sort of pick up on the way that the guests will think. We've had some brilliant people on this podcast. Dude. And you can pick up the way they think and communicate and the ideas that they espouse and the approach they have to life, you know, whether, you know, a number of them. I take it to the next level.

And I'll say this. I came to this podcast as a fan of the podcast. Like I was listening to it and enjoying it and then started doing it. And then so then like so both these bottles, Desk Squad Ohio and Desk Squad Scotland, these Desk Squad Scotland guys, they just texted me or tweeted me and said, if you're in Scotland, we'd love to have a drink with you. And I was shooting. And I was like, well, I just rapped. I'm sitting by a bar.

Told them where I was. They showed up. What if they brought a bag and tape and a saw? Scandalizers. Some rope. And some line. And a giant gay guy wearing a leather mask. Hey, Bert.

No, but it's so funny because we ended up – you had just done a podcast with Bob Got Goldthwait. Yes. And we ended up sitting down having beers talking about that podcast because we had all listened to it. And it was like there was no – like there was twice or three times maybe they were like, I can't believe we're having a beer with a machine. But there was no that. It was us talking about your podcast. It was us talking about like those dudes It was us talking about those dudes. Technique.

Mad Technique. The Black Immortal Technique. Jesus Christ. That was such a fucking great podcast. I would have never heard of them in my entire life. And the other two dudes. G.I. Joe. DJ G.I. Joe.

And Suave. Suave is the battle rapper, right? Yeah, he's awesome, man. Dude, I got fucking obsessed with him. Those guys were so cool. They hung with us. Dude, I got fucking obsessed with him. Those guys were so cool. They hung with us. Dude, Immortal Technique brought me some food that his grandmother made.

Yeah. Some delicious food. It was so, it smelled so good, man. I mean, like in a pot and everything. Like they left a tray of food that his grandmother made. Those guys were so cool, man. How come? Do you know what I'm dying to know?

We're going to get Vinny. A lot of people have been saying to get Vinny Paz. We're going to get Vinny Paz. Oh, you. When he's in town, when he's in town when he's in town he's gonna do it you turn me on to that vinnie pass guy too another one he invited me over to his his grandmother's house or his mother's house to cook uh spaghetti like he's in philly yeah is he in philly yeah he's in philly dude i gotta have that guy come to my show when somebody invites you over their mom's house for some spaghetti that's a cool motherfucker yeah i'm fucking vinnie pass is

awesome and his album hadn't come out yet his album hadn't come out yet i think when you tweeted it or something a new album i don't think so man i i tweeted about a video there was a video that i tweeted that was just fucking badass i pre-ordered his album because of that i love that he he's fucking great yeah yeah he's um box cutter baby box cutter Pazzi that's yeah I got her Pazzi his nickname I watched a rap battle online last night Lux and Calico cheesesteaks is the Brian pull that up it's it's cheesesteaks is the video it's on YouTube yeah it's called cheesesteaks Vinnie Paz cheesesteaks that's a great fucking song that's how I got addicted i played that fucking video

like 20 30 if you go there right now you'll probably see a hundred thousand fucking hits that have like uh yeah it's oh it's over a million man are you serious yeah how much money you think he makes for that i don't know dude but i'm telling you the last time i looked at it was like i think it was i want to i don't remember maybe i was incorrect but i don't think it was nowhere near a million. I thought it was like in the hundreds of thousands He's just gritty as fuck that's him and he's a Muslim big big boxing fan Yeah, I think he I think he I think what I like I like, I read his, I got on like a spiral on him. So is Brody from Homeland.

Down the corridor. He's driving in his city, bobbing his head. Where have we seen this before? He's got a gun. He's got a gun. No rappers have guns. He's got his own necklace that makes a little jingle and he has his own sound. I like that halfway through the video you can tell that he shaves his hair back to a straight line because they didn't cut it perfect. It's right there, I

think. You haven't cut it yet? I love his lyrics. Dude, my sister used to put her fucking lines in her eyebrows. My mom used to put her ass. He kind of looks like Jeff Ross a little bit. No, he doesn't. He kind of looks like Jeff Ross. No, he doesn't. Shut your mouth.

Wait, look. There's a moment where he looks like Jeff. He does. He does look like Jeff Ross. He looks like Patton Oswalt. He does look like Patton Oswalt. That's it. That's it.

He looks like Patton Oswalt. Oh, my God. Patton Oswalt's a does look like Patton Oswalt. That's it. That's it. He looks like Patton Oswalt. That's it. That's it. Patton Oswalt's a rapper. Look at him. Oh, my God. He looks so much like. Dude, that's crazy you said that.

By the way, mad respect to Patton Oswalt. You know I love Patton Oswalt. Dude, that's crazy. Well, did you see that, what he just showed? That guy flying through the air, that football player? Dude, if you're going to be famous in a city, Philly's the best city to be famous in. Yo, I love Philly. If you're going to own a city and lock it down you don't want to New York

everyone's got New York Jay-z's got New York DMX got New York he's talking about Philly we got New York what are you living in a fucking MTV music video Bert is so disconnected Bert's the ultimate target target consumer like they fucking can get him they can target him oh i'm fucking he's like no one's got philly locked down jay-z's got new york locked down the fuck are you talking about is jay-z in every restaurant at the same time no no one has a goddamn city locked down no one philly he's got too many people that's a preposterous statement. All right. Let's name a town. Iowa. Okay. Who's got Iowa? Silver.

Vandelay. Silver, right? What? What the fuck are you talking about? He's from Brazil. Jesus, are you off? Hold on. Hold on.

Hold on. Hold on. What's the guy that let his arm get broken? What's the guy that let his arm get broken? Tim Sylvia? Tim Sylvia. That's what I meant to say. He's from Maine.

His nickname's The Maniac. Oh, I thought he was from... Jesus Christ, son. Oh, fuck. Yeah, he does. He's a huge hunting fan. Yeah, he lives in Iowa now. When you go to Penguins, he showed up at the maniac. Oh, I thought he was from Iowa. Jesus Christ, son. He's a huge hunting fan. Yeah, he lives in Iowa now because when you go to Penguins, he showed up at the shows.

Yeah, he moved there for the Militich Fighting Systems Camp. It was a big camp in the early 2000s. It was one of the biggest camps ever. Pat Militich had a place in Bettendorf, Iowa. That's where Matt Hughes came out, Robbie Lawler. A camp full of killers. When Tim Silly was the heavyweight champion, that's when he was at his peak.

When he knocked out Rico Rodriguez to win the title, Tim Sylvia, man, a lot of people sleep on that. But there was a point in time where Tim Sylvia was a scary, scary motherfucker. He was. He hasn't shown that form in a long time. But look, this is a tough business. It's tough on your body. this is a tough business it's tough on your body and his his he's still like after his arm got broken i always thought that i what like it was a gangster move to let his arm get broken well he didn't want to let his arm get broken he just didn't want to tap that's i don't want to

keep going he might not have known that his arm was broken when you're so filled up with adrenaline when you're in a fight but but tim sylvia's he would have tried to hit him with the left hand tim sylvia does not have like a lot of of physical gifts. He was the heavyweight champion. Physically, he's not unbelievably talented. There's certain guys like – you know who Melvin Manhoof is? Melvin Manhoof is this incredible Dutch kickboxer, and he's so frightening, man. He won – he had a fight this weekend. He won with a one knee to the body KO in the first round over this guy Dennis Kang, who's like a serious guy.

Brian, pull that shit up. pull up dream 18 dennis kang melvin manhoef is one of the scariest i don't have that i don't have that dna in me so swole we went to he's only like 5 10 but he's like 205 pounds and he looks like a goddamn superhero he looks like the hulk if it was a And he looks like a goddamn superhero. He looks like the Hulk if it was a duck. No. Kenneth Cole. Yeah, Kenneth Cole.

Is that like Macy's shit? Yeah. No. Just look up Pride 18 Melvin. Just look up the word Melvin. You know how to spell that, right? Okay, sweetie. We went to do Tenth Planet, me and Joey.

What do you mean do Tenth Planet? We were going to learn Jiu Jitsu. Where was this? I told you about this. Hold on a second. Watch this fight because this fight does not take long. This is Dennis Kang.is kang is a pretty high level is that melvin yeah wait till you see this guy's body it's just he's just a muscle he's a giant black muscle and he can't wait to you up and he fights heavyweights he's fighting 185 in this fight but this guy fights

heavyweights all the time like dude's way bigger than he's fighting 185 right now yeah he's fucking crazy he's really fun to watch fight i mean he's lost before he robbie lawler knocked him out a lot of guys have submitted him but if if you stand and swing with this guy he is a fucking destroyer watch this shit they get into like a little firefight dennis kang lands first and he starts going on after him here's kang kang's going after him holy dang is trying this is a big win for kang if he can get this motherfucker but now sweat this knee gets the clinch boom oh my god oh my god yeah dude holy shit that's some

scary shit that dude's got some power look at his body that's a fucking oh my god that is the last guy you want to catch

fucking your ex-girlfriend when you go over the house and you go to pick up your fucking keys you left him there and you go and that guy's in his underwear

walking around your house you're like oh shit Bert this is Melvin oh god hey Melvin. Oh, God. Hey, Melvin. Hey, man. I've watched your fight before. Big fan, man. Big fan.

Hey, big fan. Hey, you want me to make you something to eat before you leave? Glad my girl found a good guy. You take care, Melvin. Joey and I went to 10th. Joey and I talked to Eddie Bravo. I talked to Eddie Bravo. So you went to the Tabo Gym downtown LA?

No, 10th Planet. Which one? On Burbank. Oh, that's a long time ago. Burbank Tabout Gym in downtown LA? No. 10th Planet. Which one? On Burbank. Oh, that's a long time ago. Burbank. Yeah. Did they move? Yeah.

Oh. Yeah. So the Tabout Gym. That's really interesting. The Tabout Gym in downtown LA. It's a much better spot. It's a huge, huge, huge spot. A lot of parking. I called up.

I talked to you. A long time ago, I talked to you about going to jujitsu and you're like, I'll help get rid of anxiety. When you go head to head with another dude, it really kind of levels you out and you get relaxed at the end of the day it definitely relaxes you yeah it's a lot of stress so i reach out to eddie bravo i think i called brian or said something to brian and brian goes call eddie and so i i texted eddie and he just called me and i was in my man cave drinking a bottle of wine he's like what are you looking for i was like i don't know i i want like i want to be able to like i want to be able to tap someone

out he goes i can get you tapping motherfuckers out within a year i go really he goes done he goes meet me at 10th planet so we go i meet him up at 10th planet talk to him and he goes he was look i can't like whatever it is there like everyone's there that's trained with him he's a fucking savage so he's like why don't i get you up speed you've never wrestled you never done anything you need to get up speed so he gets ed, this guy Edgar, to give me. Then I bring him to Joey, and Joey's like, I want to fucking do it too. So then Edgar, me, and Joey, and then fucking Duncan's like, I want to be in. Hey, guys. Now we're starting a fight club in my backyard because Edgar's like, I'll get the mats.

We'll do it in your backyard. But then very quickly I realized you do get black eyes, and you do get broken noses. Oh, yeah. Ringworm. You start having base nails. Yeah, and I was like i was like i'm on tv i can't like i can't just shut up you pussy listen i had two black eyes i did fear factor really brought in a makeup person yeah come on don't be a pussy joe i did the fear when i did

the ufc i didn't even put makeup on i just left it on i had black eyes during the whole broadcast i was like i'm doing a fucking show where dudes get the fuck beat out of them you want to put makeup over my black eye? Eddie Bravo's a fucking cool dude. He's as cool as fuck. He's got a podcast now, too. It's called Eddie Bravo Radio. And if you believe in chemtrails

like he believes in chemtrails, that's the show for you. The picture we took after we went to the shooting range has a chemtrail in between us. Oh, and by the way, the last one I'm told, I think it's number three, Eddie Bravo told the infamous stinky pussy, stinky feet story,

which is one of the greatest stories in the history of the universe. I remember that first hearing it at the comedy store, and he introduced me to having to take vitamins to make sure smells don't happen. What is it? I can't describe it. Okay. Go to Eddie Bravo Radio and listen to it. It's a story about a sexual encounter that he had with a young lady who had a yeast infection and smelly feet at the same time.

And he had sex with her in a very close quarters in the back of a truck. It is such a funny fucking story. Dude, and by the way, Russell Peters. oh he went to russell peters house dude russell peters house party like for new year's party look john farrow fucking brought his own iron man laptop and was djing for two hours a dj too dude he they're all djs and then on top of that, right before New Year's, Bruce Buffer did like the whole. Buffer was there? Yeah. Get ready for 2003.

Oh, that's hilarious. It was awesome. I'm so fucking pissed. That is so classic. I'm friends with Russell. He should have invited me. I'm actually friends with the guy. He had the coolest house in the world, dude.

He invited me, bitch. Look, he got fucking crazy decorations. Because he's Scarface. It's Scarface's house. I guess his house is just amazing. He's such a good dude. He really is. And understated, too.

It's so funny you say this. I was talking to Maz and Trip Lee today, and I was talking about Russell. And I've seen Russell work so much because we've worked together, like just like doing the Showtime special. And so often he's just like fucking dicking around on stage doing crowd work or whatever. And I went online and watched one of his videos of him in the Middle East doing a show. Dude, he's fucking hilarious. He's very good.

I don't think I've ever paid him the honest respect. Probably why we're friends. As a comedian? Like I don't think I've ever really watched any of his shit and then i started watching all his shit i was like he's a fucking hilarious that's what i was gonna say earlier that i got sidetracked about tom green i watched a lot of specials when i was preparing for my specials like i want to like you would get a feel of like you know what it feels like to go out there and watch someone you know go out there and kill you know i feel like a lot of people are worried about being influenced by other guys. Without a doubt, I'm influenced by other comedians.

You can't help it. I'm not worried about that. What I'm interested in is I'm interested still in being a fan. I want to see it as a fan, and I think I get knowledge from that. I think it's really widely recognized that the best way to be a writer is to do a lot of reading. It's one of the best ways of being a writer, not just writing a lot but to do a lot of reading. It's one of the best ways of being a writer. Not just writing a lot, but also doing a lot of reading. I want to read it all.

If you want to be a good writer, that's one of the things that Stephen King stresses. A lot of writers stress that. In order to be a good writer, you should also be a good reader. And you should read a lot of books. And I think as a comic, there's nothing wrong with being you know influenced by people I think we all support each other and we all sort of like move each other in a direction I think it's one of the reasons why being around LA like especially like right now is a really good spot for stand-ups it's great so many of us you know there's you know Fitzsimmons is here and

Diaz what you've done what you guys have done with the Ice House Chronicles and getting all the comics there for one night is amazing. I've been on shows that I couldn't even dream of. We're talking about, like, if you pitch that, it's a fucking $180,000 show a night. The last one we did was you, me, Fitzsimmons, Diaz, Shafir. Did you do it too? No, I think you were out of town the last one. Were you out of town the last one? The last what?

The last Ice House show. Whatever it was. I mean, you've been for a million of them. I mean, there's shows you couldn't afford. Yeah, there's shows we never would be able to do if we didn't all live in this one area. But when you do a show like that. Listen, man. Why go anywhere?

We're right here. We're coming already. But when you're doing it and you get to see all these really good guys, I think it ups your level. It does. I think it makes you a better comic. I've been following – recently, every time I've gone on, I had to follow Benson. And I think Benson is one of the quickest people on his feet talking about absolutely nothing. Doug's great.

Doug's amazing. And it's like, wow, so never on the road am I ever gonna follow a guy like Doug Benson right never that's never gonna happen well dude I took I took Fitzsimmons on the road with me to San Francisco in Seattle and he fucking destroyed he is he was funny he was bringing heat I was like God and it was like that old-school Boston comedy like a real edge and a real honesty to it and i didn't realize how good he was until i had kids and i and and this material that he had done about having kids i was revisiting it in life and going like fuck brexit fitzsimmons already wrote that yeah he's a funny dude he and i started out

together yeah i'll tell you like we're like a week apart from each other i've known that dude forever that was one of my favorite i listened the first podcast you guys did together I was driving I had like a road trip I was driving from Columbus to fucking Dayton or something and I listened that whole podcast was a great podcast yeah we're gonna try a great break on next week but the doing doing shows with him it may I swear to God makes you stronger better I did shows recently we well the end of the world show is a perfect man let me tell you something with the dog and post having done that Ari me Duncan all wanted to come and hang out and watch you guys work like we'd all talked and

texted and we were all like I don't wanna fucking interrupt them hanging out like I don't want to I don't want to ruin the moment of them hanging out it's no interrupting man everybody said that you know Bill Burr said the exact same thing you said and that is that what that shows me is how cool you guys are that you're not selfish at all that you're we all wanted to go i go i said you go then because because you know you and doug are like actually friends is he okay there's too much synergy bro i'm feeling the starbucks cup and um it's like look at this it's like they didn't treat the whole cup. You know how, like, you have a cup.

There's a reason why your cup can hold water or hold coffee or whatever. But this one has a spot where they skimped. Yeah. You got it. You got it. That's the whole thing again. You got cup fucked. They didn't get all their cunty jizz.

You got cup fucked. They didn't get their cunty jizz over this side. There's no here. So it's like my finger went right through it look oh oh shit oh technology listen i backed that shit up don't worry i'm not stupid no ari and i talked about it and we were like uh we were like you know we you want to give your friends respect to have other friends also is kind of the thing. That's so crazy. Listen, man, you guys are nuts. Anytime I'm anywhere, come hang out.

If it was on the road, I'd show up. But it was L.A. And the other thing is. Just don't come over my house when I'm trying to fuck. That's all I'm saying, man. Everything else, you're in. I wanted to see. I wanted to see.

I never get to see you do stand-up. Like when we do the thing, when we do the thing, the Ice House Chronicles, I get off stage and I have to go back in the room because we're still podcasting and usually everyone's starting to trickle out by the time you go on. Right. So I never really get to see you work and I was like, I want to see him do like a fucking hour because I want to see, like I want to see Stanhope work too, man. This is a terrible miscommunication then because from now on, anywhere I am,

you're welcome. Period. End of discussion. I know, but I know. 100% welcome. I don't, this show isn't any different than the other show.

I went to coffee with Joey the next day. He goes, it was genius watching Doug, Joe shadowboxing and Doug smoking cigarettes like he's got three weeks to live. He goes,

I'm in the green room and Stanhope's smoking fucking cigarettes and Joe's shadowboxing. Joey Diaz is We have a very Diaz is one of the men, one of the biggest blessings I've had in my life. Just a fucking really interesting guy. Yeah, me too. And that's why it's always, you know, one of the, I've tried to figure out a way to make Joey Diaz famous for 10 years. I knew when I met him that Joey Diaz was just this very unique human.

I knew, like, what a rare diamond this is. Like, how do you find one of these? Yeah. So I would never say that I took care of Joey. Joey takes care of himself. Joey doesn't need me. But I've always been – it's always been very important to me to try to promote Joey in any way I could, whether it's talking about him on my website, doing interviews with him, telling people how he's one of the rarest, most beautiful, unique characters

I've ever met in my life. And I have a discerning eye for really interesting people as opposed to fake interesting people that are trying to pretend to be interesting because I have no patience for that nonsense that boondock Saints type bullshit you can suck my dick okay that's fake I know what fake is I'm really is I would have I gotta get me caught in a fucking what a great fucking reference cigarette commercial

hey sometimes I just wanna smoke inside a smoke inside you all need to swim until you drown okay just go out there and show me what kind of character you really have you fake fucks dude have you seen by the way i'm learning more and more about this steven dorf uh blue cigarette thing have you watched the behind the scenes yes i did wait hold on hold on wait okay wait hold on a thing on our podcast where we talked about, what was the two commercials, Brian? Stephen Dwarf blew electronic cigarettes. And what was the other one? The other douche?

Oh, the Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt, yeah. Fucking, Brad Pitt made a perfume commercial. And it's one of the douche. And Brandon, our friend, Mischief Makers on YouTube, made a video. Pull up the video. We actually requested it. Brandon made it.

So we have to pull it up. We said, how beautiful would it be if they combined the two douchiest commercials in the history of the world? Steven Dorff's stupid fucking electric cigarette commercial. And I think it's Joe Rogan, the douchiest commercial in the world. Did you ever see the video of Steve-O shitting on Steven Dorff? No. Actually shitting? No, no, no. With Steve-O, you never Steve-O shitting on Stephen Dorff? No. Actually shitting?

No, no, no. With Steve-O, you never know. Steve-O fucked Stephen Dorff's girlfriend. Yes. Let's get Steve-O on the podcast.

Well, we don't hate Stephen Dorff. I have no hatred whatsoever for Stephen Dorff. You haven't seen this video. You haven't seen this video. I hosted Fear Factor for six fucking years.

I cannot really be in all honesty in all honesty, rather, innocently shitting on someone who's doing a cigarette commercial. You know, I did a lot of stuff that could easily be considered... I put some hopes in Stephen Dwarf. I did. He was great in Blade.

He's a good actor. He's great. He was great in SFW. I haven't seen a Dwarf story. Listen, he's... Everyone has a Stephen Dwarf story. Stephen Dwarf's story is like Scotty Conn. Everyone's got a story about those guys. he's a door stories like scotty kahn everyone's got a story i am a huge fan of the comic book blade when i was a kid that was one of my favorite comic books when that movie came out i was super psyched and he was pretty badass he did a great job we go on i thought every journey ends but we go the world turns and we turn with it

what the world turns and we turn with plans to What? The world turns and we turn with it. Plans disappear. Hold on, we gotta... Play it twice. You gotta echo in here, you fucking... Technologically confused bitch. What's going on, you fucking... But wherever I go, I...

Play this again, because nobody knows what you just said. Stop it! The world turns and we turn with it. What? You're too deep. You're too deep. Plans disappear. Put it in my mouth. My dreams take over. Grab my hair. World turns when we turn with it what you're too deep plans disappear But wherever I go

There you are I bet his kiss is salty My fate is my fortune Chanel number five whoa no you didn't, Brad. Brad. Inevitable. God. Brad, Brad, Brad. What? That's only part of it. That's you. That's you on the podcast. That's you right there.

You're not wearing that suit right now. No, no. He has to end it and let someone else like Morgan Freeman. This is not it. There's someone. It's not a journey. He combined the two of them together with that song Kiss Me playing. You got the wrong video, son.

I didn't do it. This is, ladies and gentlemen, before you criticize Brian, son i didn't do it this is ladies and gentlemen before you criticize brian i want you to know that this is not planned out we just we're trying to wink here is here stephen darf he looks good i love that song here it is so we turn with it that's what we requested negative one i'm tired of being a walking asterisk plans disappear negative two i'm tired of feeling guilty every time I want to light up. Dreams take over. With Blue, you get smoke at a basketball game if you want to.

Can you pause this for one second? I have a statement. If you make anything in black and white, you're a fucking douchebag. Okay? You are not going to trick me into thinking your thing is moody and historic and interesting because it's black and white. Fuck you. It's 2013, stupid. And if you're only showing me things in two colors, it means you're dumb and you want me to be all dumb with you.

And I'm not into it. Okay? Are you looking into the camera? Fuck you. Fuck you and your black and white shitbag two-dimensional world. I need color, stupid. I want reality. I don't want things to be romantic just because I can't see them clearly.

I want you to tell me what the fuck is really going on. And stop living in a goddamn dream world. Okay? Fuck black and white. I would love it if in color that Steven Dorff's jacket was purple. Yeah. He's silly. He's a silly man. You need a letter? He's silly, Brad Pitt's silly, they're both silly. They should have never agreed to that.

You only agree to that shit when you're starving. For Steven Dorff, for Brad Pitt, unless it all went for children's cancer or some crazy shit... It might have. Brad Pitt's a great human being. Probably did. He's a great human being. That's why it's hard for me to criticize him. I'm definitely in love with Brad Pitt. But for that Stephen Dorff type character who's making electronic cigarettes. He just wants to add a bathroom under his house. I don't know what he's doing.

I can't hate on the guy. I just think it's a ridiculous commercial. Would you ever enter a commercial? Here we go. Eh. Bar with your friends. Eh. But wherever I go, there you are.

The point is, you can smoke blue virtually anywhere. Mmm, yeah! I look. Oh, my God. I faint. Hit pause, Brian. What's so funny is that they're going for the iconic James Dean smoking. Yeah.

And it's so funny to watch him and just know it's an electric cigarette. It's so ridiculous. And it's so funny to watch him and just know it's an electric cigarette. It's so ridiculous. And he's got the same P-code on that they wrote when Jack Kerouac wrote classic novels. Every brilliant smoker. I got approached by a smoking company for my podcast. Really?

What'd they say? I think it was Blue Cigarette. Oh, my goodness. What'd you say? No. And Brad Pitt is... I don't care about advertisers as much. Brad Pitt's talking to you like being at the W in the elevator. No, Brad Pitt is over-gaying it.

He's really trying to ear-fuck you. If I was going to do a commercial for perfume, the only way I would ever be able to sit with it is if I did it in character. And if you look at Brad Pitt's older videos, remember we pulled those up, Brian? The Japanese ones? Those were all in character. He did a lot of japanese videos and he did them like almost as if like it was a scene in a movie like weird so he could sort of justify like some sort of creative you know aspect of this stupid fucking commercial but maybe that's what he's doing there maybe he's just being like the

uber douchey guy like ridiculous my love maybe he's maybe he's listening to this right now going they didn't get it they didn't get it no no no i took it over the top i took it over the top listen to me i got it that's no okay i know what you i know what you're thinking this is what's going on brad you need friends okay you need real friends no one's telling you what the fuck is going on you're living with that crazy bitch and you have 85 kids you don't get a moment to like stick your head up and get some air and so it's showing in your psyche and one of the ways it's manifesting itself is you just did a fucking chanel number five commercial how recent is that show i don't i don't give a fuck if it was a year ago or if it's in the future that shit is crazy that's what we

need to concentrate on not not when it manifested itself but how the fuck everybody isn't up in arms yeah brad pitt what are you doing how did you do a Chanel number five commercial do they have a video of you fucking the Chanel number five lady like what's what happened that made you say yes to that right you don't need the money he doesn't need the money and and you need I agree with you he needs friends you know what he needs he needs someone to tell him what the fuck is going on he needs to go to coffee with Joey Diaz what more to do with mushrooms I think he used to's going on he needs to go to coffee with Joey Diaz what we need to do with mushrooms mushrooms he's the party with Bill Maher could be too much dude everyone I meet nowadays has party with

Bill Maher I'm like what Bill Maher is a pimp that dude is a pimp girls yeah yeah very nice to me my wife is in love with him. My wife hates Brian Gumball. Wow. Why? She hates him because he's a little douchey. Bill Maher, the only thing that I've ever heard people critique about him is that they think that he's arrogant. They think that his ego is out of control. Ego's a beast.

He had a beef with Dice Clay. He did one thing that was kind of crazy. He wanted to go on after Dice. They did gigs together in Phoenix. They did one gig for sure. And the idea was that Dice would go on and do a headliner set. And then Bill Maher would headline and go on after Dice. The last thing you want to do is go on after Dice with essentially a political act.

And apparently it was just absolutely disastrous. And he got booed. According to Dice, of course. He got booed off the stage. Fucking Dice is one of the funniest fucking human beings to hear on a podcast. I love Dice. He's a different sort of an animal when it comes to comedy and what he's doing. I think he has his place.

And his place is that show. That show is way more impactful than his actual stand-up. The show where... And he's got some very good opinions on things. Very good points of view on things. I think Bill's a very smart guy. Really smart. Not smart enough to not go on after Andrew Dice Clay, though.

So I read an article... Ego-wise, that's a silly idea. I don't know if I told you this or not, but I read an article about Chris Rock. Oh! Hey! I'm over here now sorry you know that show i shouldn't have been there when i was oh yeah you know that show

that show that made me laugh so hard yeah listen to it see his new year's eve special no is it good fucking great really yeah it's fucking great has he gotten has he gotten to showing the dice that he shows people when he doesn't know he's on like like there was a there was a of a time where dice was being like i only hung out with him a couple nights or i take that back more than that but when he wasn't on stage he was 10 times funnier than when he was on stage well i think for a while he probably lost not i want to say focus, but wasn't focusing on stand-up as much as he is now. He was in family, I think. He was in family mode. But he told me a story about taking his kids to the park, and he had to bring their bikes.

And it was so fucking funny. He was telling me, Louis Anderson, and Chris Rock. I was lucky enough to be there, and I laughed so fucking hard that I was like He doesn't even realize this is fucking funny. Like he doesn't even know how bad this is killing. He should do it on stage It sucks when you find people that are hilarious in person more so than on stage And I didn't know if that's what he was doing like if he had gotten to that place with this stand-up yet Well, I think dice got there was a point in time What I think it's gonna be really hard for you and i to understand how famous he got it's very hard for me to understand it's he got to like like an area perspective i think i'm famous now so like and that's so that's so you

we that's ridiculous exactly yeah i know no that's why that's why i'm putting in perspective my mom gets to know you are you are amongst listeners of the podcast. I'm famous to people who know who I am. But what is famous? Like how many people have to know you before you become famous? I think your mom has to know you. That's what I think. It's a mom thing. Then I'm not even famous.

That's ridiculous. No, my mom knows you. Yeah, but your mom knows me because you work for me. No, no, no. My mom knows Fear Factor. Oh, okay. My dad and mom know you because of this podcast. Really?

Yeah, yeah. That's interesting. Yeah, they – if I said Fear Factor, they'd go – Your dad doesn't watch UFC? Was he some kind of a pussy? Okay. My dad and mom know you because of this podcast. Really? Yeah. That's interesting. Yeah. If I said Fear Factor, they'd go. Your dad doesn't watch UFC? Was he some kind of a pussy? Actually, my mom knows you from news radio. She was at Phil Hartman. I knew you from news radio.

I didn't know you. That's where I first found you. But then what is famous? Yeah. What's famous? What's famous? And what level? Is it when the sky caps know you?

I mean, look, it's a gross distinction when you're putting it on yourself. Everybody knows that. You say, I'm famous. Everybody goes, ew. If Tom Cruise said, but listen, folks, I'm famous. If you knew what it was like to be me, you'd be like, ew. But it's so accurate. Well, Tom Cruise is the most accurate thing ever.

I was with Kevin James. You want to hear how famous Tom Cruise is? Yeah. I was with Kevin James. We're in Kevin's hotel room in Boston. And his hotel room was in this very nice hotel and across the street is this nice restaurant and we're on like I don't know maybe like the fifth or the sixth floor and we're looking down and we see Tom Cruise and people start running away from Tom Cruise to

tell their friends we watched it all happen that Tom Cruise is down here and they run back over and you see like all these flash bulbs are going off down the street they just people decided that it was worth dropping everything they're doing and running over to try to get a picture of Tom Cruise and me and Kevin James were watching like whoa there's Tom Cruise you know like but you guys are both certifiably famous well yeah I mean he's more than I but for sure yeah there's a lot of people know who we are but we're not it's nothing like what it is to be this guy like it gave me a dose of reality because like sometimes like after fights after fights sometimes it becomes a pain in the ass

to try to get out of the arena because like you gotta like like like this time i was meeting some friends and they had come in from new mexico and it was like seven o'clock i had to get out of there you know more 10 o'clock rather 11 o' o'clock. I had to get out of there, or 10 o'clock rather, 11 o'clock, whatever it was. I had to get out of there, and I had to get to the restaurant as quick as possible. And you've got to try to make your way through this gigantic mass of people, because if you don't, you won't go anywhere for hours and hours and hours. Yeah. You will get stuck.

Yeah. But that's a small little microcosm only after a fight in an arena. For Tom Cruise, the whole world is like that. Everywhere that guy goes. Has it crept into your head? Like, are you aware of it when you're going to go grocery shopping? Occasionally. It's more young dudes.

Can you point out someone that you go? Like, there was a guy. His head shaved and he's wearing tattoos. That guy knows who i am i i was i was so it's so funny because i can point out people that that might know me through knowing you that's funny like the guy sitting next to me on the plane was wearing was uh he definitely was an mma fighter he's a black guy fucking just first class jacked with a tap out shirt fucking hat fucking hat with like, he's been a wrestler his entire life, and he slept.

He got on the plane and he fucking slept. Deviated septum, like, and I was like, I guarantee, I guarantee that if I said, are you involved in MMA or mixed martial arts, he'd be like, yeah. And then I could go, oh, do you know who Joe Rogan is? And he'd be like, yeah. And he was listening to a podcast, I couldn't see what it was, he had his ear sets in, and I was like, um, have you ever, like, I like, have you ever – that's how crazy the – I could trickle down six degrees of separation where he might know who I am. Well, that's another thing that I wanted to talk about earlier that I forgot.

One of the things that we've been discussing about what we're doing by doing all these podcasts. You have yours now. And, of course, Brian has like a whole network of them from like maybe like the first year on right it's obsessive year about first year we did it off yeah like me joey and ari what year was that like 2009 yeah nine ten maybe ten by the way i found steven dwarfs and steve-o's video it's amazing. I forgot about it. He calls Steve-O's podcast. Finish this story first. Hold on one second.

And when... Shit. What was my point? About these podcasts. It's a thing. What we've done is created a legitimate network. And there's always been networks like Comedy Central and NBC and CBS and ABC.

But are they really a network? Essentially, they're a business. I mean, when you call it a network, sure. They mean there's a network of people that pick up on their shows. But as far as like a creative network, it's not really. It's just like sort of one business that tries to put on television shows, and they have a network of people that receive them. But the difference in the kind of network that we're sort of doing right now is that it's a real network amongst friends and amongst people that are talented and the people that we respect.

Like as we sort of do all these podcasts and link them all together, Duncan's to yours, to Ari's, to Joey's, and as all these things get sort of linked together, that becomes like a real network and then an organic network. Like you're a part of it and Duncan's a part of it and Ari's a part of it and Joey's a part of it and Ari's a part of it and Joey's a part of it.

Everyone's a part of it. And it's all just connected together. And it's connected together by nothing other than true friendship. There's no paperwork. There's no bullshit. There's no contracts. There's no obligations. There's nothing.

It's so interesting that you say that because now that I think about it, I go, yeah, like Duncan, like the people that have been on my podcast are Joey, Ari, Hefron. It's just – it's like my buddy John Moore. It's all friends. Yeah. And Duncan texted me right after he got done the cancer thing and was like, hey, I'd love to have you on my podcast. And I was like, oh, I'd like to have you on mine. And he was like, cool, we'll do that then. And it was like – and I clearly understand what it's like to try to find guests to get on

a podcast now I never knew what it was like I just always did them because I liked them but like you very easily there could be a cuntiness of like like there are people that like uh like uh very candidly I'll say this I don't know I'm trepid walking into anything in this material Tom Zagora and I were going to do a podcast about Jay Moore, about my experience with Jay. And so we were going to do it. And I was like, maybe we'll just be fucking honest. Why would you bother?

Exactly. We were like, maybe we'll just talk about it and air it out. And I was like, fuck it. It's gone. It's in my history. It's in my past. Yeah, but he keeps on bringing it up. He keeps on poking everything. It's like, come on stop move on that's on him i know that but it sucks because there's and i say this in all with all respect i don't have a problem with jay more i've never i've never had a problem with jay more the last text i sent him was positive and i haven't spoke

to him since but i don't i don't want to necessarily go into anything no i don't want to describe i don't i know discuss. I know what things. I know when things are crazy and when things are normal. Okay? I know what makes sense. And when you just keep bringing something up, when you keep going back over an issue and responding. If I wanted to, I could respond to Joe Rogan, I smoke rocks all day, every day. And you would think that that's the only thing I ever get on Twitter.

Right. Because I get it almost every day. Almost every day. Someone says, I don't know if you know this about me, but I smoke rocks. Yeah, and I'm honored. I was a part of an iconic sketch. In my opinion, the funniest guy ever in any sort of a show on TV, Dave Chappelle.

I think that show was the funniest show for me that I've ever seen in the history of my life. So I'm honored. I don't get upset. But if I wanted to just respond to that all day, that's what my Twitter feed would be. You choose what you respond to. I don't respond to anything negative. There is no real drama between me and Jay Moore or you. If everybody really does move on, why respond to trolls who are just trying to get you to respond to something that's

a hot button topic by bringing up that shit is childish and i am a grown man and i don't play 40 years old childish games 40 years old i'm a grown man i have a lot of interests and none of them involved responding to little silly bitches online. I have zero interest in that. I've never, I've never, the one thing. And I suggest you do the same. Yes. I suggest to everybody, when someone sends you something online that's douchey and cunty and you want to respond, that is the universe giving you a test.

Yeah. You just got an intelligence test. Dude, I've responded to people and regretted it. Of course. We all have. Fucking the second you do. Yeah. The moment you say, fuck your mother and your fucking mother's asshole is where your fucking dick came out of.

The moment you do that, you feel like such a stupid person and you're sucked into a web. Yeah. It's negative energy. It's Brody Stevens mentality. Negative energy begets negative energy. Positive energy, that's all you got to do. And that's why I've like, it's been, yeah. But I also believe firmly that the people that have sent me negative things online,

there's been truth in a lot of it. I've read a lot of criticisms of my stand-up. Like 50%. It doesn't matter. Listen to me. I've read a lot of criticisms of my stand-up. Like 50%. It doesn't matter. Listen to me. I've read a lot of criticisms of my stand-up, criticisms of my commentary on fighting, and criticisms even on the podcast. And I have legitimately learned from it, even from people that said negative shit. Because whether I like them or not, they have a very, they have a point of view.

They've seen something. They've seen it from their eyes. And for whatever reason, from their eyes, I'm annoying. And that's real. That is how they view me. And that's not to say that the people that aren't annoyed by me aren't correct. It's just that's how they feel about it. There's a lot of people that I'm friends with that a lot of people –

look, my wife would not want to hang out with Joey Diaz. If Joey Diaz was high as fuck and he was on some wild, crazy rants about licking Lucy Snorebush's pussy in the middle of the night, if she was in this room she would absolutely she would laugh no question about it but it's not like she would go seek to hang out with joey diaz whereas i would yet obviously i love both of them you know what i'm saying right it's like we don't have to change each other but we must accept the fact that you know it's you're you're not gonna like me always i'm not gonna like you always it's just

like just be nice and find the people that you do like and everything's fine but even the people that don't like me or they've seen my shit i've gotten criticism out of that that i've incorporated no what about this did it like from their point of view and it's helped me no what about this point though is that especially on twitter i'll say twitter exclusively because i remember when bird Bird the Conqueror started airing, and I started, and some guy, I remember some black dude wrote very curtly, who is this ass clown, Bird the Conqueror? Am I supposed to enjoy this shit? And then I wrote back, just wrote back positively. I was like, imagine being me watching it.

And then he wrote back, oh, ha, ha, ha, so funny. Didn't know you'd read this. Sorry. I really liked the show. I was just fucking around. Like, how about those? Like, the opinions have gotten so bold now. Like, people say things they would never say to your face. Yeah, there's definitely that.

But I think the way you don't really mean it. It's like that video you posted. It's Twitch Twitters. You know, like people that are just twitching almost. Like, it's like you and your mom talk. I need something to tweet fuck this guy It's like that video. I don't know if you What?

Twitch Twitters, which is that's such a fucking funny way. It's like sweet. It's you know what it is. It's like tweet Tourette's. Yeah But like those you see that yeah, that's the word monkey Todd like last night went crazy fucking psycho Well, he's just a gentleman trying to make his way through this life every now and then you get in a spiral you're lucky bitch we all fall apart eventually everyone physically literally and do you see the the video you tweeted about those i don't know if we can talk about it or not because it's kind of sketchy oh my god those boys the boys who uh allegedly gang raped some girl and they were joking about it oh my god but here's here's the thing it's like it's like uh horrific man it's you you look at the the tweets from them yeah the tweets about like oh my god all wars get no respect or whatever yeah and and i know i didn't grow up with twitter so i go how

the fuck could you be that person but maybe that's a new part of like maybe they're going to be like we didn't mean it it's twitter no. No, no, listen. Those people always existed. They always existed. They just didn't have the opportunity to express themselves like they do now with Twitter. To the point where everyone, anybody who wants to can literally go on Twitter and read what they said. But what's different now

is that people can respond to these kids and these kids can understand it. And you're stuck there forever. You're fucking documented. They've always existed. They've always existed. They've always existed. Sociopaths have always existed. Groups of men willing to gang rape have always existed. I can't even fathom that.

I can't even fathom that. Well, the reason why they've always existed, one of the big reasons is that there have been no repercussions for it in an eternal way. Like, there's never been, like, there's never been, like, documentation about a gang rape from the Roman era that we can, like, go and read online and then go and watch videos of the guys joking about it and then go and see photos of the victim. There's never been an opportunity like that, but there is now. And that, those images of that, there's one image of a girl. It's unbelievably shocking. The girl's completely unconscious and they're dragging her. And they call them – or people call them the rape crew.

Wait, hold on. I didn't – I was afraid. This is how fucking sensitive I've gotten. Except two daughters. I was afraid to even click on the video that they had because I got nervous. I was like, I don't even want to see anything sad. You should be. You should be. I'm creeping in my life.

The guy – first of all, we have to figure out what – if you don't know the story there was apparently a gang rape in ohio like a year ago and what happened was the whole town has struggled to try to cover it up because the team is filled with these like it's all their football yeah the football team is like a big source of revenue and this and this is all is this allegedly joe no this is not allegedly what's No, this is not allegedly. What's football team is this? This is not allegedly. Like, people have, like, taken – I don't know. What's the name of it? Steubenville. What is it? Steubenville.

What is that? Steubenville is a really hick town in Ohio. Is it really? Yeah, super hick. I mean, those kids were in charge. They drugged up this girl, and they brought her from party to party. Hold on. What's that?

They brought her to more than one party. The lead guy, it was his ex-girlfriend. She dumped him. Yeah. And he he said no bitch will ever get over on me or something to that effect and then he him and his friends set it up yeah they had his fucking one friend said like go hey I want to go out you that a date and they picked her up and then they drugged her and then apparently they gang raped her and took her from party to party like weekend at Bernie's just horrific I mean it's so fucking... It's so inhuman.

And they have... I can't... The only thing that I just get confused about is they're fucking Instagramming all of these pictures. Yeah, and they're not just Instagramming. They're tweeting about it. They're calling the girl a whore. And no whore gets any respect.

And she's unconscious. And it's like... And you know how this got exposed? Anonymous. Seriously? Yeah. Anonymous is important. I have not disagreed with them on any move yet.

I have not. I followed him. I had to unfollow him because he tweets way too much. I see their point of view. I see what they're trying to do. And when they do something like this, I say it's worth every negative aspect that they bring to the table. Any idea about vigilantism or any idea that people have issues with, when they do something like this, I say it makes them –

they are one of the most valuable assets on the internet. When something goes wrong and the world is upset, when we're all morally upset, they come in. when we're all morally upset. They come in. If Anonymous made a thing where it's like Google, I don't want Google to know all my shit. But if Anonymous knew all my shit, I'd be like, I'd feel more safe than that. Well, here's why.

You scared him. Brian, despite what a lot of people have said, you're a nice guy. You're a very nice guy. You're a nice guy. I try as hard as I can be to be a nice guy. I would never describe myself as a nice guy. I don't like self-defining thoughts.

But I try as hard as I can be to be a nice guy. Jamie's a nice guy. This is inescapable. If you go through life and you try to be a nice guy, generally people are not going to be angry with you. Generally, if you can avoid conflicts, do it, and you'll get along way better in this life. Well, when you get to a situation where ultimately we're going, no question about it, we're going to get to a situation where everyone can reach out to anyone at any time all over the world. It's going to come.

There's going to be privacy filters that we're going to try to put into place to keep people from contacting you. But ultimately, you're going to be responsible for the frequency that you put out. And if you put out a frequency, if you're a famous guy, if you're a Bert Kreischer, because I say Bert Kreischer's famous, you're putting out a frequency to whether it's 100,000 people or 300,000 people or 3 million people, whatever that frequency is going out to, you're responsible for that and if you get bad pings so people get upset at that there's there's opportunities to both learn about yourself and learn about other people man because when you learn about other people from their interactions

with you and how they interpret you you can see weakness in people that you don't have to see in yourself. You can see mistakes in people that you can learn from where you don't have to make those mistakes. That shit's super important. You need losers to show you the way. They might not even be real. The more they look into simulation theory and the more they try to understand the very nature of the reality that we live in and how fucking truly slippery it is, the douchebags that you encounter might be bad guys in a doom video okay they might be there so that you can understand what is the wrong way to behave and learn from it it might not even be real yeah you know to

anybody out there that's lost a loved one or has had someone victim of a violent crime that sounds ridiculous and in your reality, yes. But in Burt Kreisch's reality, no. My reality is twisted right now. Twisted as fuck. I was blown away, though, by the fucking... Anonymous was like, showed the pictures of the guys.

That was fucking... That's so awesome. You almost appreciate a guy like that. He should do that for... Oh, not almost, man. I appreciate the fuck out of them. I appreciate him. I couldn't follow him on Twitter.

I appreciate what they're doing, and I'll follow anybody who does that on Twitter. Do you follow Anonymous? Probably not. Yeah, I follow a lot of people. Anonymous tweets nonstop. I follow porn stars. What was the big thing you got in on? I don't know.

Just recently. I'm really upset recently that Twitter's been only suggesting porn stars to me. No, it's great. That's all you ever suggest. That's who you get. I'm like, what are you trying to say? Nothing's anything wrong with porn stars, but how about, it's great. That's all I ever suggest. That's who you got? I'm like, what are you trying to say? Not that there's anything wrong with porn stars,

but how about a PhD every now and again? Okay? Am I really just a fucking pervert? Is that all you're saying, Twitter? Dude, Asa Akira,

insatiable. Fucking watch that shit. You will want to buy her flowers. I feel so bad for that girl. Okay, here's even better. I got a chick. Let's make people

go and follow somebody. How about this? There's someone named Mackenzie Dern, and she is a Gracie Humata Humida brown belt five-time world champion. See? Twitter asked me to follow her. Mackenzie, M-A-C, Mackenzie

Dern, D-E-R-N, and I said, yes, I will follow her. Let's see my suggestions. Badass chick out there Strangling bitches Oh Look at mine Clearly Clearly I am

On a Death squad kick Because mine are Tap out And Frank Mir Well Frank Mir Frank Mir is a Very intelligent guy

Dude watch Sleepwalk with me It's on Netflix We had Mike Oh Mike That's a great Fucking interview And dude

I finally watched it That's a great fucking movie. I started watching. I started listening to the NPR podcasts because of your interview with, with, uh, and I, and I think I even told him,

I think I tweeted him or something, but man, American, uh, uh, American, what is it? Uh,

the one with Ira glass, the one that he does all the, all the time. Uh, this American life is great. And you know what other one's great? It's Radiolab. There's a podcast that Radiolab did that I listened to on a treadmill.

I had to stop running and sit down and finish it. It was so fucking good. It's called The Dark Side of the Moon or something. It's about an astronaut. He's an old man. He calls in. Is it a movie? Dimitri Martin directed it.

Dimitri, they do these live shows in a theater with the lights out because it's a podcast, right? And they do a live show up on the thing. And then they had this guy call in. He was an astronaut. So it's like a play. No. It is, but they know you can't see anything. They're doing it in the dark.

Okay. So everyone's just coming to show up. It's like a radio show that they do in front of a live audience. Right. And they're throwing. What a great idea audience. Right, and they're throwing – What a great idea. Fucking right. And they're throwing –

And Dimitri said, I think we should get everyone laser pointers so they can all hit – Oh, that sounds like a bad idea. That's terrible. No, no, no. No, but it's like – So they're all – But no, but everyone's doing it in unison. Like maybe I'm fucking this up.

It's an even worse idea. Who knows? Who knows? So anyway, but the point of the story this guy's told is that – He has no more balls anymore because he got burned out by lasers. No. Remember when lasers were dangerous? Remember when Star Wars...

They still are dangerous. They get in your eye. Not all of them, though. Anyway, the point of the story is this guy gets locked out of the fucking space station with a Russian and they have to try to break into a new hole and get it in. And it's all about him being in the dark. And him being the it's i'm telling you joe it's one of the greatest stories i've ever heard i look all uh it's called it's it's it's uh king wood radio lab it's a few weeks back in the dark is it in the dark yeah in the dark and it's in the dark radio lab it is the

gradient it is the fucking coolest interview i've heard and he's an old man so he's not trying to be funny he's just being an old man and he's like uh and is it a true story true story 100 true you're just sitting there fucking floored like oh i was confused i thought it was a fiction piece no the guy it's a real story he was up there with his russian and it dude it's oh my god they did in the dark and it's so weird yeah that sounds so good. Listen man, we need to do that. We need to do podcasts where we... This is what we're gonna do. Hold on, if you think of this, you can take it to the next level. We're gonna hire security guards that have infrared goggles on.

So they make sure that nobody gets crazy. And they'll hide in the corners of the room with fucking guns and mace. Then, the rest of the audience is in complete and total darkness joe this is a fucking genius idea and then all the escorts walking around no no no no jobs because no because the guys with the night vision goggles what if they record it no no no no they're not allowed to look at it this is a genius this is a genius idea you do this on a stage we have a magic word marshmallow we say we. We have a safe word. No record.

No record. Imagine us doing a podcast. We're all getting blowjobs the whole time we're doing a podcast. That sounds like something that no one would want to listen to, Brian. Yeah, it's like a lot of this. If they want to listen to that, they would listen to the fucking swell dialogue in porn. Last time I heard good dialogue in a movie where it's like, wow, that guy has a really good point while he's getting blown. No.

Most of your reserves will be spent concentrating on cock feelings. That's the next level of stand-up. Have you done stand-up in the dark? No. How good is your material that you can do stand-up in the dark? Let me look at you, bitch. You're right there. Why are we playing games?

Cut off the lights. But a podcast in the dark, well, I mean, it would be fun. Because that's how people listen to it. It would be fun to do stand-up if we all agreed to lie on the ground. Yes. If we had a room. How about if this? How about if we had stand-up and we did stand-up like this? We did stand-up in like a gymnasium and everybody gets like a.

A gymnast can miss a podcast? One of those. Oh, this is a great idea. One of those pads so they like fucking go camping. This is like a slumber party. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right before everyone's going to bed. And you can't see me.

Everyone's lying down. We're in the dark. You're like, what's up, bitches? And everybody laughs. And then you just start talking about whatever and whatever. Everyone's at home. And it would have to be, it would be a completely different kind of show. Because you would, first of all, the people would be right there.

And there's that element. You can't get away from. Ellen, man. Ellen, man. By the way, i'm at the ice house comedy club january 11th that's friday 8 30 and 30 10 30 so far sam tripley is confirmed sam tripley i'll be there friday this is oh shit brian will be there as well this is with me it's only one night it's only friday oh this friday this friday i mean this is a really great idea my point is sleeping bags yeah everyone we do it in gymnasium we got to do a comedy show in the gymnasium and uh each act lies down and instead of passing the mic back and forth

to each other you just turn your mic on when it's your turn so like we would all lie down together on the stage and if you have to get up and go pee that's okay so we're not nazis yeah you know you can get up and leave but don't be staring at people while they're lying down okay with their eyes closed because that's creepy how great is that yeah i'm excited just talking about it this is the only better idea i've heard from you is our compound i want that's happening compound that's happening aubrey's in aubrey's better idea every more realistic idea we all go to joshua tree go to that that that uh place that i stayed at what are you more realistic idea how can you say it's more realistic because we're not all go to Joshua Tree, go to that place that I stayed at. What are you more realistic idea? How can you say it's more realistic?

Because we're not all going to move our families. I will. No, no, no. You don't understand. This is the latest idea. The latest idea is we get a setup. Condos. Stop it.

Melrose. Why did you make condos gay? It was at one point in time. Condo used to be a manly word. It was an intermediate point of success. Well, I've got a condo. I can take her back to the condo. At least a BMW 3 Series.

Enjoy it. You sexualized that word forever. Condos. Condo. Timeshare condo. Let's do it. Condos. Condos. Timeshare condo. Let's do it. Condos. Imagine being a dude

named Bruce. Oh, your name is Bruce? They sexualized that name. They sexualized Bruce. They sexualized Bruce. Bruce Buffer's hair. He's going to get a condo. They broke it off with Bruce.

So wait, what's the next generation of the compound? The next generation of the compound is a high fence hunting setup. This is what you do. I hope I have no consolation in this. I'm having my fucking family here.

You get a slab in Texas. You get a slab in Texas. You want to get at least a few hundred acres, but ideally several thousand acres with a lake or two. Joe, we were in Santa Barbara last night. Hold on, bitch. We were going to Santa Barbara. Listen, did I tell you

how dedicated on it is to success? This is the idea. And this is, I bring in Aubrey, of course. He's my main man. Anything business related. By the way, hire-primate.com the t-shirt. We will get t-shirts back in. I'm so sorry.

Everybody keeps complaining. Too many people are buying. Eventually, Aubrey's going to be involved in that as well. The idea is you set up in a purse. Everyone has a purse. And it's got fucking glitter on it. On it, man purse. Let it go.

On it, man purses are going to have fake rubies. Fuck, you know how many you sell if you had on it, man purses? We should sell an on it fanny pack. Sell them. I'm going to fucking buy it. Man purse. Okay. Am I lying when I say I wear a fanny pack?

Man purse. Am I lying when I say I go to the airport with a fanny pack on? On it man purse. No, I'm not. Fucking man purse. Pull up the... Listen, pull up the... Give me the new one.

Go on Amazon and look up saddle leather laptop bag. Wait, go back to the next level of the compound, please. The next level of the compound is a large, self-sustaining home in a high-fence setup. And the idea is that you have a well or several wells. Neither of those, Brian. It might be the one – oh, yeah, the far right, far right, far right up top. That's it. That's it. That's it. Yes, that's it yes that's it it's very the George

Clooney collection yeah it's a very I looked very sexy sophisticated that's not the right one that's not the right one the one I got is even more preposterous than this just a oh that's it that's it that's it that's it it's like those the far left one it's got fucking straps and shit. There we go. Sweet. Similar. If it's not the same one, it's similar.

So this compound sounds a lot like a village. The idea is not that we're – we're not preppers. We're not preparing for the end of the world. Well, hold on. But if the end of the world happens, isn't it nice to have a couple bucks in the bank? That's what I'm saying. Every motherfucker is worrying about gold. Let me tell you something about gold, okay?

I'm not going to give you a cow for some gold if there's no internet. I don't care for gold. I'm not giving you shit for gold when society collapses. What do you want? Bullets and gasoline. That's what I want. Machines last a long time if you take care of them. You need bullets and gasoline.

Okay. Okay. The idea is you have a high fence set up with solar power everything we bring in our own animals yes see you have a high fence in texas they have all these what they call high fence ranches and i have a love hate relationship with ted nugent okay i love ted nugent for a lot of ways one of the things i love first of all stranglehold one of my favorite songs of all time. I love that fucking song.

And I love the fact that he promotes a hunting lifestyle. And a lot of people would think that that makes you some sort of a sadist or someone who hates animals. What I am is a person who is really trying to come to grips with the idea of life and death. And like all of us, I understand that I, myself, am a temporary being. There's only a certain amount of time that you have left, a certain amount of time that the human race has left. Even the star that fucking heats us itself is finite. So we all have to face the fact that we're in a revolving cycle of some sort

that may be infinite, at one one point in time this is going to change and go into something else there's no doubt about that so if that's the case why let all these delicious animals just fucking die of old age that seems ridiculous okay so i'm with uncle ted when it comes to that and when i see him shooting all these animals and eating them i'm like i think that's probably the way to go so i i uh hunted for the first time this year i got an animal i ate it and i've been so satisfied in eating the meat from this animal i think that that's a a beautiful way to to to exist to be actually responsible for the animals you go out and hunt and people have some really ridiculous ways of looking at that like oh yeah if you really want to make it a one-on-one

How about you don't bring a weapon? Are you anti-human? There's a reason Humans invented weapons You know why they invented weapons? To make it way easier to survive Whether it's by defending yourself Or whether it's by shooting animals

The aberration of school shootings And serial killers And robbers using weapons. That is all an aberration of society that's akin to being a spoiled brat. It's a similar thing because the person who's spoiled is a person who has had great success without any effort, no character building. They just become successful by virtue of being born. And that's why kings have been historically so fucking cruel, because they're royalty.

So they're put in this position of extreme power and influence without having the character, without having the will and the character of a person who has gone through a difficult life to understand the ins and the outs of social interaction, the odd experience of this life when you've gone from complete disarray and total worry about the idea of the future and no idea whatsoever of what possibility the future may lay when it comes to having your next

meal or your next place to sleep or your next dollar that you earn and comparing that to a person who every day of their life has been assured that everything will be okay. Every day of their life has been assured that there's no effort necessary. It's akin to people growing vegetables. But hold on a second. Sorry. But that you're special for no reason. For no reason.

And that's where those create. And it's almost as if they know that they're wrong, so they're begging you to kill them. They know that they're wrong. Yeah. And they know that being a king is fucking ridiculous. So they're trying to torture people and maim people to the point where you just violently react. It's almost like they're pushed by by the universe to reacting in such a preposterous way that it demands reaction it's interesting because my wife has

taken to growing um vegetables and it and i heard i might have heard it on your fucking podcast but the concept that people look for hardship in their life to feel real yeah like my wife grows like nine goddamn tomatoes and then she brings them in i got tomatoes and we eat her crappy ass tomato that hadn't been polluted with all her tomatoes are just weak it's like she just doesn't know what the fuck she's doing they're fucking wilted and small you can't really put them on a salad you gotta use all of her her whole fucking crop goes on to one salad and so but it's the idea that she's looking for hardship to make her feel real you know yeah it's like a fucking i get i i get i get floored by that

kind of shit because i i you i kind of it's like i wonder if it's a connection with working out because like i love when you work out and you feel like you get yourself to that throw-up point. Did you listen to the podcast that we had with Rich Roll? I don't know. Which one? Rich Roll is a vegan. I've listened to probably all your podcasts. Super, super intelligent guy.

What was his book? Do you remember, Brian? I'll find it. Look up Rich Roll's book. Anyway, he came on the podcast, and he was a guy who was essentially living an unhealthy lifestyle. Yeah, I did listen to this one. He became a vegan and just started living this really intense. He's got a good podcast.

He's great. I listen to him. The only reason I remember listening to him is because I remember hearing him talking about being a vegan and then talking about changing his lifestyle and then going, oh, that's so funny. This whole time I've been listening to him, I've been thinking he's skinny. And I can't imagine him now as a fat person. Finding Ultra.

Yeah, I know. Yeah, Finding Ultra. By the way, I haven't read it all, but it's a great book, what I've read. It's so honest and interesting. And having him on the podcast, like that guy has zero douchebag in his body. He's a sweetie. And he's a really intelligent interesting guy and his conversion from like going from being living an unhealthy lifestyle to completely plant-based

diet and plant-based foods and how healthy he became because of it is so inspirational you know and i goof on like vegans a lot of times because there's like there's a thing that people do when they become anything or when anything is possible to become whether there's a thing that people do when they become anything or when anything is possible to become, whether it's a Scientologist or whether it's a Catholic. Or sober. Or sober. That's a good point.

That's a really good point. Yeah. Well, I'll never be sober. They spit it out at you and preach it to you, and they're doing it not necessarily to let you know that they are vegan or sober or whatever it is, but to establish a social position. Yeah, and it's also, in my opinion, like it's self-righteousness. It feels good to – I was at a party, a birthday party for someone, my buddy James. It was at a park and he brought – it was in the morning and he brought a bottle of whiskey.

And he was like, hey, let's do shots. It's a morning birthday party. And I'm like, I can't. I have a show tonight. I was working in Irvine or Brea. I go, I can't. And he goes, oh, come on, man. If you don't do shots, none of us can do shots.

Like if you do shots, then we can all do shots. But if you don't do them, then we're going to look weird you do shots and we can all do shots but if you don't do them then we're gonna look weird if we do shots like what kind of logic is that that's kind of that i am that new dc's go to the dunes and run up sand hills no no think about think about think about it this way though like you're the kind of person like hypothetically saying to your friends of your kids like your family family friends, do they know you smoke pot? Oh, yeah. Okay, so now, wait. But hold on. If you don't know I smoke pot,

it's because you're not paying attention. No, but sometimes you meet new family friends. Or you haven't asked at all. Or if you're just retired. I've been in like five pot documentaries. But my point is, so say they go to a birthday party and all the parents want to smoke pot. And you're like, no, I'm choosing not to.

Then all of a sudden all the parents look like degenerates because the guy that is nationally known for smoking pot is choosing to be sober because he wants to be – you know what I mean? I don't smoke pot around my kids, but I could smoke pot around my kids. I'm not saying that... Even my mom doesn't get a shit about it. But I wouldn't smoke pot around my kids for several reasons. The one reason is it would be very confusing. But when the idea of altering consciousness comes up with my 4-year-old or my 2-year-old, I will discuss it. But with my 16-year-old, I have discussed it with her many, many times. We've had some long conversations.

And my point of view on altering your state of consciousness, as hypocritical as it may be, and it absolutely is, is that you should not do it until your brain forms. Yes, I agree with that 100%. I got very fortunate in that I didn't fuck with any sort of hardcore chemicals until I was deep in my 30s. I was 14. But I was very lucky because I was crazy in another way. My crazy was I was terrified of doing anything that was going to inhibit my physical performance because most of my formative years from my teenage years

until my early 20s were based on fighting performance. I was mostly concentrating on fighting performance and i was dedicated to the idea that any time that i 10 minutes any time that i spent working on um martial arts or training would be eroded by partying if i got drunk i would wish i hadn't done it that condition i wish i'd waited until i was older listen why stop because because your wish wishes because you wouldn't be Bert Kreischer. You're a beautiful fucking flower. How awesome was Nirvana on weed? Come on.

Yeah, it was pretty fucking awesome. Fucking Nirvana. We grew up the best. We grew up in the good times. Listen, this podcast is supposed to end because we don't have much time left. But I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to go anywhere either. Let's do another one.

You want to? Yeah. Let's fucking end. You got anywhere to go, Brian? I was going to do comedy. No, Brian want to go anywhere either. Let's do another one. You want to? Yeah. Let's fucking end. You got anywhere to go, Brian? I was going to do comedy. No, Brian. You can do comedy. Let's do another hour.

Let's do another hour. All right. Let's do another hour. Let's stop it, piss, and do another hour. I love the fuck out of you bitches. Listen, we're going to be right back. We're going to both, Bert and I, going to piss separately, okay? I might piss on both of them.

As comfortable as I am with my sexuality. I'm going to piss together with you, look you in the eyes and go, condos. Hola. Condos. Please, before you think about my piss or even masturbate thinking about my piss, I want you to go to rogan.ting.com. That, my friends, is the last thing that Ting ever wanted when they signed up to be a sponsor on the Joe Rogan Experience. They never wanted anybody to connect piss and ting and masturbation. Too late.

Sorry. But if you go to rogan.ting.com, they will give you $50 off the baddest motherfucking Android cell phones available. And that will take the sting off the homosexual implications of anything that I've said in the last 15 minutes that made you rethink your childhood. Get a whole phone. Rogan.ting.com. I thought you were going to say condos. This sponsor was also brought to you by a combination of Onnit and Jameson at the same time. I wouldn't recommend it if you have to drive.

Thank you, Deswad, Ohio. same time i wouldn't recommend it if you have to drive thank you desuad oh if you're around good friends like jamie the new guy burt kreischer aka the machine or brian redband my motherfucker i suggest that you stick around and wait a little bit because we're going to pee-pee and be right back. All right, you several thousand people listening online and even more to be downloading this long after the fact and after the dinosaurs came back on a spaceship. We'll see you in about three and a half minutes. Holla at your boy. Go to onnit.com.

That's O-N-N-I-T. Use the code name Rogan and save 10% off any and all supplements. But that does not include blenders, kettlebells, or battle ropes. Because them shits is expensive. One day, when the Onnit compound is super successful, and we have started our own religion, we will offer significant discounts. Because there will be no money. And it won't matter. You will be bringing over goats and cheese and spring water.

Because that will be the commodity of the future. Or not. Or the commodity of the future will be bandwidth because we'll be living in an infinite dimension of pixels and particles and non-essential bits flying through the interwebs

and Al Gore will be worshipped as Shiva is here at the Higher Primate Studios we'll see you guys in three and a half minutes meanwhile go fuck yourself it shouldn't take that long we'll be right back i would maybe i would maybe do. Hold on a second. Don't say a word.

Don't say a word. Don't say a word. Don't say a word until this bitch gets cracking, Bert Kreischer. Train by day. Bert Kreischer. Bert Kreischer, I want you to keep it together. I want you to hold on. I'm holding on.

I want you to realize this is a goddamn commercial-free podcast. Exceptional edition. This is an except... The podcast was so good, it cannot be stopped. For the greater good of Shiva, or Odin, or Thor, or Cassiopeia. Did anybody ever worship Cassiopeia? Was that the watch? Some chick, some dude probably wanted to fuck, and he got all exaggerated with how hot she was.

Named her a fucking consolation or some shit. What a great Cassiopeia. I bet her website's available. How good does your pussy have to be before they name it consolation after it? Not even like a tree. Not a rock, not a mountain. No, a series of nuclear explosions

in the middle of the universe. Why haven't they rebooted Thor and he got a haircut yet? Because Thor doesn't need a fucking haircut. He's dope. Don't be hatin'. Listen, Brian, you have a full head of hair. You shouldn't be hatin'

because I have almost zero hair and I'm not hatin', okay? It's a matter of time before I shave my head. It's your issues. You should do it. I sprinkled the hair in now. You sprinkle it? Yeah, I sprinkle it still.

Oh, yeah. Dude, shaving your head is a beautiful feeling. Is it? Do it. Just do it. Trust me. Just do it once. You obviously don't give a fuck about your body, okay?

Let's be realistic. He's been working out a lot lately. You're not. If you were answering, let's be honest. You know I love you. But let's be honest. If you were entering into a bodybuilding contest, I would say this guy does not want to win. Okay?

He is not trying to win sexiest man. I don't even look good in Europe in a Speedo. You're not even trying. You're not even trying. Yeah. It's not that there's anything wrong with that. Let's be honest about our paths in this life, ladies and gentlemen. So Death Squad Scotland and Death Squad Ohio are losing their fucking minds because they're –

I told you to stop communicating with those people. You don't know them. You have not vetted them, sir. I know Death Squad Ohio. They're awesome. You say you know. No, Brian does know them. Yeah.

God damn it. None of you motherfuckers have a proper filter in place. We need to fucking set up some scientific checks and balances, much like the CIA uses. You can't just decide. You can let some motherfucker send you some whiskey. Oh, I can't believe it. We have a refrigerator here at Higher Primary Studios. We're so not fucking around, ladies and gentlemen.

Okay? We're taking this to the next level, Bert Kreischer. Do you see what we're doing here? I got my own Buddha. I got a own Buddha. I got a fucking care package from Onnit. Yeah, you got a care package from Onnit, and we got the Buddha responsible for my tattoo. Oh, is that the Buddha?

He's an asshole. I don't know if you can see it. He's like, hi guys, I'm here. Are you done with tattoos? I'm going to fill in my right arm. Can you see that shit? Your right arm? That is the same Buddha. The guy who did my arm, first of all, he's a beautiful artist.

And he's a cool motherfucker. His name is Aaron De La Vadova. And he works at Guru Tattoo in San Diego. I would get tattooed just to hang out with that dude. He's so cool. I wonder if... He's a real artist. He has these really cool paintings.

I love his point of view. It's so uniquely his own. You remember that guy that was Jesse James, rather, who was married to Sandra Bullock? Yeah, yeah. Remember he had that affair with some girl with a tattoo all over her body? With the swastika tattoo on her forehead. Well, I saw. No, no, no.

She didn't have that. Yeah, she did. No, no, no. It was not a swastika. White power or something. No, no, no. No, she did. Yeah, have that. Yeah, she did. No, no, no. It was not a Swastika. White power or something. No, no, no. No, she did. Yeah, she did.

No, she did. Dude, she did not. No. She definitely did. No, no, no. She had Swastika's tattoo somewhere. Stop it. Stop it.

No, swear to God, Joe. Stop it. Stop it. Joe, she really did. I'm telling you. I'm telling you. I'm telling you you're wrong. What's her name?

All right, wait. It's like Michelle Dynamite or something like that. No. But anyway, my point is that she had this sleeve, and I looked at the sleeve, and I said, that's an Aaron De La Vedova tattoo. I could tell. His style is so distinctive.

And I'm such a huge fan of individual points of expression where, like, there's certain, like, pool cues where you could look at the pool cue, and you know that is a sugar tree. That's a cue that Eric Crisp made. That is a cognoscente. That's a cue that Joe Gold made. They have this individual point of expression. Michelle McGee.

Michelle McGee. Yeah, she did a Nazi photo shoot. That's what it was. She does not have any tattoos. Yeah, she doesn't have tattoos. This was like some crazy photo shoot that she had to do. Although it does say WP on her leg. Yeah.

Like, as in white power. No. Is that what it means? Or. Ew. Whoa. Is that really what it means? WP?

I don't think. What else? Whip it, poop. What was my point about her? You were talking about your tattoo artist did her arm or something? Oh, I saw her arm. And one of her her arms i think it's her right sleeve yeah his style is so distinct did you search that guy out well i looked uh in california and i was looking at all these different you know it's like you if you there's a lot of really good artists in california especially even kat von d

who we've had on the podcast oh she was a great podcast yeah she was really cool there's there's a lot of really good artists in California, especially Kat Von D, who we've had on the podcast. Oh, that's a great podcast. Yeah, she was really cool. There's just so many, like, I don't even want to name names. There's a million talented artists. But when I saw Aaron's work on mine, especially sleeves and big back pieces, like his style is really about big bold like pieces and when I started talking

to him like immediately we hit it off I was like this guy was cool as fuck he's so cool like right away like I was like like you know what you talk to someone you really like happy to have a conversation with yeah we were like on the perfect level like you really like you know both of us were talking about all kinds of like different crazy shit and he's an honorable person, he's an artist. It was like right away I was like, I love this guy. Right away, he's the perfect guy to do it. What did you guys, if you remember, I'm curious to see if you remember, what did you guys

talk about while he was tattooing you? Everything and anything, man. Do you remember any of the conversation? Yeah. We have it on video. Is it like a meaningful... We have it at the beginning of the first sleeve. Yeah, the beginning of the first sleeve, a lot of it was on video, but the second sleeve is like

about three years old. I still have to go back. There's a few spots on it. It's amazing. Most of it is a Miyamoto Musashi piece. Who's the guy who is the... And there's the graphics joker. I Oh. And there's the graphics joker. I thought you got rid of the graphics joker.

Yeah, I have to. I thought you did too. I have to. It's not quite done yet. I got it. I think they should pimp that out. Yeah. No, it's not... Leave it.

Remember who you are. It was like really even before I knew what a graphics joker was. You drew it, right? It was a stupid idea. Yeah, I drew it. Yeah. Jesus Christ. But I caught that shit. You you did that's my jujitsu

experience my friend but uh that's a jameson experience that tattoo i did draw it i drew that in uh 1990 it looks like shit now it's i like it the guy who uh better than water the guy who tattooed it for me did a fucking brilliant job his name name was Danny Williams, and he died of cancer really recently. And the bottom tattoo, the really crazy-looking samurai guy, that is Miyamoto Musashi, and he's fighting a tiger. What happened? What happened to you? Some sick artwork, man. That's all my man Aaron Delevadova's work.

San Diego. He does brilliant work. Yeah, the beach. What was the turn? For what? For you. You went from one tattoo and not smoking weed to, maybe I've heard you say this. Well, you know what it was?

I always liked tattoos. I always liked the artwork of it. I'm a big fan of music. I'm a big fan of I'm a big fan of music I'm a big fan of writing I'm a big fan of me movies and cars and and and paintings and anything that you do that expresses whatever you have inside of yourself through some medium whether it's a medium of making a hot rod or it's the medium of even designing clothes like I'm like like I'm wearing some crazy t-shirt right now some dude gave me it's a Bruce Lee who's he's

acting as a DJ I thought that was hilarious so that's great it's funny yeah it's it's someone's idea that's expressed through clothes you know you can express it through furniture like my friend this fucking this table tables badass yeah I mean you can express it through anything, but really, it's all the same thing. The idea is that everything that a person can enjoy is someone else trying to express some sort of positive idea through whatever medium it is. Whether it's a fucking, whether it's Les Miserables, whether it's Fifty Shades of Grey, it's all the same thing, you know? But what was the turning point? Do you remember the thing?

No. I don't know. It was probably some psychedelic drug-related experience, most likely. Yeah. Yeah, that was the... But what got you there? Well, if marijuana is a gateway drug, I'm really, unfortunately unfortunately a good example.

I don't think that it's a negative gateway. I think we have to get over that idea and I think a big part of the struggle that we have in this country is a lot of conservative people misunderstand the position of people that support marijuana or cannabis. And it doesn't mean that they're mutually exclusive and it doesn't mean that they have to be in combat with each other. It just means that for whatever reason as a society

we have associated cannabis smokers and users with lazy bitches and that's stupid. And I think that if I have benefited as an unnecessarily agro child of the 80s, if I have benefited as an unnecessarily aggro child of the 80s, if I have benefited from the magical gift of marijuana, then I bet you can too. It just needs to be used properly. And it's going to make you examine yourself in a way that may be uncomfortable

but is most likely necessary. And the ideas that we have connected to any sort of psychedelic experience, marijuana or peyote, you name it, mushrooms, automatically people of a conservative nature will assume that the people involved in doing this thing are being lazy or they're being frivolous. They're being frivolous because they've decided to like seek escape through chemicals rather than deal with reality but if they really knew they would know that that's not the case if they really had experience they would know that no it's the

exact opposite this i hate to fucking bring up this goddamn radio lab show again. They were talking about religious experiences and people who did acid. And they were talking about they took these kids in school, took them down to a church setting where a church sermon was going on. They're all religious teachers, okay? All religious teachers, like religious students. They all take acid and they hear a sermon in the church with the beautiful bells and they said that 9 out of 10 people in the test group, so there's

20, 10 have a a bullshit you know, a placebo, 10 out of the other one 9 out of the 10 had a religious experience and they were saying that 9 out of the 10 also went on to teach in the ministry, like 9 out of the 10 people went on to teach in the ministry.

Like 9 out of the 10 people that took acid. And they were talking about the concept of whether or not you could do acid and whether or not you could create a religious experience. And if you could, why wouldn't you have that all the time? Why wouldn't everyone look for that? Well, that's what we were talking about earlier. But like one day maybe we can get our shitty brains to accept a state of opiate and MDMA at the same time all the time I want like a low-grade cocaine well think about what's going on I mean all respect to people who are on antidepressants and this is not an antidepressant rant and I think quite honestly that there's quite a few of those

rants that are they're ignorant and even though you know we had a conversation with um Cara Santa Maria who's on the podcast. Fucking loved her. That girl was so fucking – I've regurgitated some of her facts in conversation, not realizing I'm doing it. I fucking was so – I was afraid to Google her and see what she looked like. So I was like, what if she's not hot? Because she was so hot on this podcast. Just listen to her. You were like, oh, she's fucking smoking.

And it's hard. More importantly, she's very fascinating. Very, very, very intelligent person. Really fascinating. And what was my point? Psychedelics. Three of them. Three of them in a row.

Psychedelics. Are you taking her at all? Yeah, next week I'm taking her off. You want to do a double date? Nope. How dare you? Just hang out with her? He'd be rubbing his dick.

Just cock blocking the fuck out of you. But anyway, the point was that she was describing her own personal benefit from using antidepressants and her own personal benefit from regulating her state of consciousness. But with the use of science. And if you really stop and think about it, some of the best feelings that I've ever had have been under the influence of chemicals. Feelings that I've ever had have been under under the influence of chemicals, you know Whether it's right now or whether it's the first time I ever did anything which was a MDMA anything else with significance When when that feeling is so sensational like what would life be if that feeling existed all the time? We automatically have this thought in our head that that cannot be managed and that needs to be discarded right away Immediately for the state of consciousness that you exist right now can never be elevated. This is what it is in our head that that cannot be managed and that needs to be discarded right away immediately for

the state of consciousness that you exist right now can never be elevated this is what it is but how do we even know that's true i i i wonder sometimes because i go i like i i feel like i spend my day chasing chasing a buzz where it's like like coffee in the morning and then there's this like dead beer in the afternoon i'm like well before the beer comes yeah before the beer when you feel it's respectable to start drinking at five five p.m yeah five p.m five leave me alone woman at five p.m you can say leave me alone oh man i did work who keeps the fucking lights on some of the best moments of my life are when my wife had a job we were living in a in an apartment complex we had a nanny only because i was on the road and sometimes the nanny and i would overlap and i'd be there when she

would be there the best feelings my kids are there sun setting in hollywood my wife walking up in the door and just going did anyone open a bottle of wine oh motherfucker i remember getting like chills like it's christmas eve like oh and we crack open a bottle of wine, we pour one for the nanny, we just sit on the couch in socks. Fuck. Oh, you're hilarious. Fucking love. I love those kind of moments.

You love, like, ultimate relaxation moments where everybody agrees. Yes. Where everyone's on the same page. I think that's one of the things. Crack open the bottle. Everybody agrees. Oh, it's great.

Well, that's why you're, like, sort of the ultimate party meister. It's like, you're the guy that would get everybody oh fucking burt wants to do shots let's do shots are we doing shots we do give me a hug you fucks i love you and everybody would get together i think yeah i love that feeling when when like it's like just fucking someone just goes uh i go is it gonna be awkward if I order a beer and someone be like if you get one I'll get one I'm like we're fucking drinking yeah right away can love that feeling you think that's what the feeling people get when they connect when they smoke marijuana is that someone likes it and then they're like

nah they're like okay right it's such a great like there's definitely a thing that comes with being like in that sort of fraternity of people that know you know yeah they know you'd smoke pot everybody's in this like oh we're all cool in this right as much as you sort of accept the traditional notion of reality like if you've never gotten high you and i have very little to talk about i, we can talk about a few things. For certain, we can talk about facts and statistics and history and numbers. We can talk about a lot of things. But we can't talk about what the fuck is going on when you think about someone

and then the phone rings and it's them. We can't talk about that because you're going to give me some scaredy-cat answer. You're going to go, well, statistically, it's just sort of a coincidence. Their brain taps out. There's no relationship whatsoever. There's never been a statistical correlation between you thinking about someone

and then them calling you and that meaning anything significant whatsoever. It's just nonsense. And you get a rip and put a tie on and wear some shiny shoes with slippery soles and walk down the street like a gentleman. I don't know, but I know that when a little light bulb goes off in my head and I think about Bert Kreischer and then I look down at my phone and it starts ringing immediately and it's Bert Kreischer. Well, call me crazy. But I think something's up. Okay? I think there's something fucking going on when I think about you

and then all of a sudden you call me immediately. It happens every day, non-stop. Yeah. It happens a lot. And you know when it happens? You ready for this, Brian Redband? It happens when you live in your life correctly. When you live in your life correctly, the universe gives you a lot of fucking secret messages.

You think that's what it is? Absolutely. Yesterday, this is something crazy as an example. Yesterday, I was talking to my friend who's a ginger. And I'm like, is there such things as Jewish gingers? I've never even heard. I've never seen a Jewish ginger before she was like of course there is and then like two hours later somebody else just was like oh this guy he's a ginger he's a Jewish ginger have you ever seen one

of these I'm like all right I've never talked about ginger Jewish gingers my whole entire life now twice in one day there's a possibility that you attracted that there's a possibility that much like you ever send an email on google you know it could be about anything you could like send an email and say hey man i'm looking to get a life-size copy of the robot from lost in space and then you look in the corner of your gmail when you get on and it'll be all lost in space shit. That's because it's reading your email. Right, right, right. Exactly.

So you think somebody's reading my presence? Exactly. Oh, I like this theory already. This is my point. If reality is a simulation, wouldn't it follow the same principles that your Gmail or your Yahoo has? Where you'll see the corners where shit shit you've sent emails about will be Reoccurring themes in your life. I do that in life all the time. I put it out there, but isn't it fast Put it out there Graham mirrors it mirrors what we know is a program. Yeah. Oh, that's fucked up. It's true You're right. Yeah, it's just the fucking natural course of history of how life's gonna go down

It already happens in life. God does it well the universe does it it trickles onto you you sound like you're ripe for a cult i could fucking get you to sign up right now give me some blue nikes suck my dick in a house full of feathers i could be so quickly put into a cult i've been watching this documentary on the vice guys made a documentary about this fucking dude who's a, he's the new Jesus. He's a Siberian Jesus. Have you seen that, Brian? Mm-mm. Listen, ladies and gentlemen.

I pull it up? No, we shouldn't pull it up because it's a really long piece. Those Vice guys are crazy. It's at least, I've only watched the first two 10-minute pieces, but it's fascinating. There's a guy in Siberia that's created a village, and he's like the second coming of Jesus. He's like the new Jesus. And he has thousands of people that are living up there, thousands.

They're all living up there. But meanwhile, they're living in an unbelievably beautiful place. I mean, it is stunning. Maybe Steve can find some photos. But it's staggeringly beautiful. And this guy, he's not preaching anything bad except being a vegan. That's silly. I can't.

I've got to have meat. He's a vegan. Fucking even when I was doing that clean program. Vegan Jesus. I'd have chicken with fucking lettuce wraps. Oh, I love spicy shit. Yeah, I wish that animals weren't so fucking delicious. They're fucking amazing.

And I wish that they didn't fucking keep making animals. Maybe they would just all live forever and everyone would be immortal and we have enough numbers now and just keep it going. I had duck heart last night. That's the dude. Who? Let me see. That was the photo of the dude who's the Russian Jesus.

Meanwhile, he's got an awesome spot. I don't think I ever saw Jesus smile. Yeah, well, he does when Green Day's playing. He's always sad because he's hurt. All Jesus' pictures were like hip-hop cover albums. Like just, what's up? The Australian Jesus is a guy in Queensland

and he says he's Jesus too? I was just in Queensland! What's that guy look like? What were you doing? No, we did a trip flip in Australia. Oh, in Queensland. Fucking Australia? Best country I've ever been to. I'm telling you when I say this. And I'm not shitting on America.

And I'm not shitting on Canada because you guys are second. But Australia blows everyone away. I love the people there. I love their attitude. It's like it's a more. We are so uptight in this country. We're really so unbelievably uptight. Especially when it comes to like going out and having fun and relaxing.

I'd move to Australia in a fucking heartbeat. In a heartbeat. There's this thing about America that America was sort of founded and created by a bunch of people that have come here from somewhere that sucked, and they had enough, and they just made it over to some new spot. But I think that the type of person that it takes to be able to get in a boat and travel across the ocean and land in some new land, I think it takes several generations before everybody fucking relaxes. That's the badass motherfuckers that could get in a boat and fucking do that. Because you just shook, the loose leaves got shaken off the tree. They they were so gangster they got in a goddamn boat and traveled across oceans with no radio do you ever think about that though when you travel with your kids somewhere and then you

go how would we travel across america like how would how would your family size up you know in a wagon train going from new york to la my family would have either stayed i mean if you had little children you would have stayed in Italy or Ireland. You would have done whatever you could do to stay where you were. But my grandfather's family came over here in I want to say the early

1900s. My grandfather's family came over here from Italy. My grandfather lived on a farm and he used to tell me stories about how they used to kill rabbits with their hand and grab them by the neck and snap them. That was like a normal part of your life. And there was winters where they would run out of food. There was no food.

They'd have to go and borrow food from people that were neighbors. So crazy times, man. You know what's more crazy than that? Can I say this? I said this guessingly, but the amount of humility your grandfather must have had. He was a very humble guy. To come here. Almost too humble.

He got walked on by my grandmother. My grandmother was a really strong woman, and she used to yell at him all the time when I was a little kid. My mom had me when she was 20. My mom did her best, but she was really young. When you're 20 years old, and all of a sudden you're raising a baby. Your grandparents were only 40. I was 21 when I was born. My mom did her best, but she was really young. When you're 20 years old and all of a sudden you're raising a baby, that's a – Your grandparents are only 40. I was 21 when I was born.

Or when my – my mother was 21, rather, when I was born. Dirt. I was 21 when I was born. I might as well have been. I would probably feel like, oh, my God, this bitch is 21. She doesn't know what the fuck is going on. I've got to get up to a 21-year-old mentality immediately. Your grandparents are like, what, 37?

No, they're older than that. 40? They could have been. No, no, at the time you were born. I don't know. I don't know how old they were. I mean, it's hard? No, they're older than that. 40? They could have been. No, no, at the time you were born. I don't know. I don't know how old they were. Think about it. It's hard for me to wrap my head around now.

I don't want to do the math, but the point was my mother was young. And so, like, growing up with, like, a young mother that doesn't necessarily know what the fuck is going on makes you realize at a young age like oh shit this makes you start looking at everything a little differently she was okay with that fucking crazy thing together and you know you realize like kind of early that's crazy I can what the fuck is going on. That's crazy. I can't imagine being, I can't imagine, my biggest hiccup in life was getting into stand-up. Because I just, that, I didn't have any humility at that time in my life.

My dad gave me a speech on my 26th birthday that was like fucking aggressive. Really? Like. Your 26th? It was on my birthday like he called me And I thought he's gonna wish me happy birthday, and he was like you're a fucking loser. Oh, he's like you make me embarrassed I'm embarrassing you're my son. I lie about you Oh, he's you know what that's like to love private to have a judge say I heard your son

Got his life's option by rollover stone. He's in New York to a stand-up How's he doing because I lied in fucking court. He goes, it makes me sick to my stomach. I was like, what can I do different? And he goes, nothing. I was like, well, can I fix this? And he goes, I don't know. I failed you as a father. And it got me to, like, it changed my life.

Like, I went, he taught me how to get, taught me how to be humble enough to get a job in stand-up. So you just needed to work the door, but I thought I was above that. I thought that I was better than that. Like, I thought that someone would just grab me and put me on stage, and I'd be discovered. That's how I thought it happened.

I didn't know you could literally be humble and say, I want to do this, how do I go about doing this? Please help me to someone. And he got me into it, and literally, I fucking started doing it the next night, and six months later, I had a deal. And it was like the fucking one of the greatest things I ever did. I look back at that so fondly those times.

Me, like outside, this is every single night hanging outside. Jim Norton, Bobby Kelly, Patrice O'Neal, Colin, like not Colin Quinn, actually. I've never actually met him until recently. Why'd you just throw him in there? Because I started getting into a tough crowd mentality. I started listening to the credits of tough crowd I was like me Bobby Kelly like I'm honest I never I never met Nick either so but no I mean I've seen them come I worked the door when he coming into the

club but I never like new years you see him on stage fucking Nick's brother love Nick is Nick de Paula to me is one of the most underrated comedians in this country hands down no questions asked. He's the kind of guy you can tell his jokes to your friend at a bar, and they fucking lose their mind. Dude, he had a joke about her. Remember when Katrina hit? Dude, it's so cruel. It was so fucked up.

But he goes, yeah, they were writing rescue signs on the roof, but I'm not doing this any justice. I'm so sorry. I was already thinking of doing a Nick bit, and I was like, there's roof but I'm not doing it was signing rescue you know signs on the roof but they were misspelling them instead of help but said HEP you want some HEP drink that fucking water if you want some HEP drink that water follow I'm not I'm sorry, Nick. I butchered your joke. I apologize. I wish I knew his joke about, he goes, I'm not going to do this any justice either.

A lot of people say they haven't said the N-word. A lot of people say that? Really? I guess you never put $1,000 on a playoff game then. I know I ruined that bit. No, no, no. It was good. Nick DiPaolo is one of the funniest.

I watched Nardi and Ick. I guess you never put $1,000 on a playoff game. I watched Nardi and Nick on the fucking same thing Dan Patrick shows on. I watch it because I respect both there's no much that i go that it's not the best show sometimes what this is what i think that show would be fucking magic if it was on center

and to take me can already put a regular and it's like taking joey d as in making instead of talk right with a crayon yeah it's nonsense it's fucking stupid i watch it all the time, though, because it's like... I love Nick and Artie. Someone with some fucking balls, please take that show, put it on the internet. You'd make more money. Can you imagine? There'd be more people listening.

And you could still put it on DirecTV or whatever the fuck you're putting it on. It still would be... But leave... Let Nick be Nick. Let Artie be Artie. Let him be crazy. Let him talk completely unhindered. The way he...

We were talking. I was talking to someone recently about bomb lines. And bomb lines. When you're doing bad and a heckler's attacking you and you have your comeback. And Nick DiPaolo has a time... I'm once again butchering whatever this story is because I don't remember it. But Nick said that he was getting heckled by this girl at a bachelorette party. And he was on the road in some podunk town.

And he was like, ma'am, I hope the next time you reach under your armpit you feel a lump. And he goes, I've never had an entire crowd hate me more. And they had to escort him to the green room. Oh, my God. But he's a fucking old school kind of like, that's the kind of dad. I meet dads at my kids' school, and I wonder if they know who the fuck I am. Then they do know who I am. They figure out who I am.

They'll Google me, and they'll go, oh, shit, I didn't know you were this guy. I can be this guy around you. Oh, I see't know you were this guy. I can be this guy around you. Like, I wonder if, like, parents, because he's got kids, if they meet him and they have no clue of who he is, and then, like, Google him, and then they're like, oh, my God, I can tell this joke in front of you. He's one of the funniest fucking human beings, man. He's a very nice guy, too. Did you ever do Tough Crowd? Yeah.

Tough Crowd was a definitive show of my life. Yeah. I would just have my first daughter. It's a fun show. I've been doing the road, and I knew a lot of those guys, most of those guys from doing stand-up in New York. It's really a tragedy that that show was canceled. It's so silly. Bullshit.

It seems like, like, why would you ever? I mean, it was such an easy resource. You know, it was easy to get comedians. Everybody wanted to be on it. It was very entertaining. There were podcasts in the past. What? You've got to talk into my phone. It's pretty much a podcast. Yeah. It was a podcast. comedians everybody wanted to be on it it was very entertaining what you gotta talk to me it's pretty much a podcast yeah it was a podcast it was a limited like time a time limited podcast

this listen man we're so lucky that we are existing in this time where you can do this thing where you could do whatever the fuck you want no one's telling us what to do we're doing whatever we want we decided to keep going We decided to end the podcast, take a leak, and keep going. There's no producers. That's the beauty of a situation like this. Oh, this is when Greg Giraldo and fucking Dennis Leary

hit pause for a second, Brian. This is a funny story because Giraldo never even went to the nuclear weapons, which is plagiarism. He never even went to that. He never even went to that. Yeah. You know, he never even went to that. But Lear was so conti with him, like, right off the bat.

Greg Geraldo was a fucking beautiful dude. He was just the nicest fucking guy. He was very intelligent. In a time in my life when no one needed to be nice to me, there were two people that were distinctly nice to me and gentle. And that was Bill Burr and Greg Giraldo. Like, you know, Norton and Bobby and all those guys were always nice to me, but man,

Giraldo and Bill Burr took time and pulled me aside and like, they were fucking great guys. I remember one time calling into my buddy Cowhead's show and, because Giraldo was on, and calling in to listen to Giraldoaldo's interview because i just loved greg and cow had told him and greg goes oh put him on the phone i'll talk to him and i talked

to greg for like fucking 10 minutes in between a break and a song and just was like man how's everything going he's like well yeah he was very sincere fucking fucking great guy he had a show i don't remember what network it was on but it was uh it was his sitcom it was on during when yours was right yeah yeah he talked about partying with the girl that was on your show which one uh the girl with the big tits who on news radio girl the big tits didn't that one girl big tits no no who was the girl and there was beautiful girls but i always thought yeah yeah i always thought she had big tits. Maura did not have big...

I thought her tits were so big they had to tape them up. No, Maura. Maura was the white girl with black hair? Yeah, she was the lead. Listen, that's a terrible misunderstanding. Oh, she was beautiful. She was very beautiful and incredibly talented. Oh, fucking wonderful.

Incredibly talented. I did a scene with her once. I'll never forget this. I told her, and she just sort of laughed it off. She was, like, really, like, she wasn't, she would never, like, brag about her talent, like, as an actor. She was good. But we did a scene together, and I didn't realize that she was acting. I thought she was saying something to me.

And I was like, oh, that's the words. Oh, whoa. I go, holy shit, you badass bitch. I go, I didn't know you were acting. I go, you just fucking rocked me. Like, she rocked me with what she was saying. Because the set of News Radio was very loose. There was a lot of fucking off.

And there was also a lot of improvisation, where it's like Dave foley was responsible for a huge amount of like what got on the air of that show because he's sort of like he was like sort of like almost like a secret producer and it was because the guys who wrote the show were like they were so open-minded and so smart and paul sims the who was the executive producer was just this really brilliant guy who recognized that there was a lot of people like Andy or like Phil Hartman or Dave Foley or whatever who would have this intuition while they were on stage working out the scenes that they would come up with new things and to incorporate those new things. So Dave was like constantly tweaking things and adding things.

And it was, you know, and being able to watch that and to watch someone do that and to be in that situation i was like wow i'm like this is this is this is like an ideal situation he uh i i was the this is this is gonna sound cunty not cunty but weird but uh so like last year was a very good year for me and i'm also in the middle of our our school so like our kids are in third grade and like now we've been at school long enough that kind of we know all the parents and so like I was this like I was the resident famous comedian parent like oh he's a comedian I think Dave Foley's kids go to our school now and Dave Foley they were like have you heard Dave Foley like he spoke at a PTA moment apparently he's a fucking amazing dad. Like, either that or it's a guy that looks like Dave Foley. What do you mean?

He's an amazing dad. Like, he, like, fucking shows up and does all the shit. Yeah. And they were like, and I don't go to anything. I don't even go to recitals. Like, I just fucking. He's a very solid dude. That was a great set.

But what I'm saying about Morris, she was built. Oh, yeah. She's very pretty. Beautiful woman. Huge knockers. But she didn't have big knockers. Oh, she was for it. Oh, yeah. She was very pretty. Beautiful woman. Huge knocker. But she didn't have big knockers. Oh, she was fucking hot as shit. Yeah.

She was very hot. But, yeah, but Greg Geraldo shot across from you guys, and you guys used to party, right? And, well, Greg was right next door. And he was, there was a lot of guys who had TV shows. There was a lot of guys who, like, got gigs back in those days. It was like they got a development deal, and maybe they had a few episodes. Like my friend Tom Rhodes, he had a show for a while. Fucking love Tom Rhodes. Yeah, he's a good dude.

He's a great dude. And I met Tom, the first time I met him was when we were both on NBC. I was on news radio, and he had his own show. And then he went over to Amsterdam, and Tom's beautiful. He's fucking awesome. He really is. But he never lost his shit. He's always been cool. He's always been. He really is. But he never lost his shit. You know, he's always been cool.

He's always been like an open... The night I met... Tom Rhodes is like, in my opinion, like a fucking legit comedian. Tom Rhodes is from Florida. Yeah. And I've told him this story a number of times. And he never really remembers it. But we ran into each other in Amsterdam.

We did that Showtime special with Russell Peters. And I said, the fucking first night I met him i was working the boston comedy club i came downstairs and he was at the bar and i knew he was from florida and i was from florida and i like to stand up and i walked up to him and i was like i was like hey man my name's bert i'm a comedian i just started i'd love to ask you and he stopped me like put his hand on my chest his hand on my chest was like, listen, you start buying beers and I'll answer every question you want. And I was like, all right.

So I started, I put my fucking dad's credit card down and I fucking bought beers and talked to him about comedy for like three hours. It was fucking great. He was one of the one dudes that did the Ice House Chronicles and we had a long conversation afterwards. I was with you. Yeah. He was like the camaraderie is so cool here.

It's like we have like real comedian camaraderie. He was hammered, and I said I was with the two. I think I was with the two. I had a guy with me to drive me, and I was like, Tom, let us take you to your, because he was hammered. Yeah, we were trying to tell him there's no way you're driving. Yeah, and he was like, don't worry about me. I sleep in the car, I wake up and I go. He slept in his car.

You can't do that. That's illegal. If you sleep in your car, they'll arrest you. I just had a simulation thing happen to me, Joe. That Dennis Leary video that we were talking about. Last night I watched this movie called Happy, which is all about depression and stuff like that. It's a documentary on Netflix. I recommend it.

It's all right. But there was a guy in the movie that was like a motivational speaker to kids and I was like, who is this guy? It's the guy on the right right there. I've never seen this guy ever in my life. Lenny Clark. And now he's in this fucking video. He's going to be on the podcast.

Are you serious? Let me tell you something. The second time I ever did stand up for money, I opened for Lenny Clark. I used to say it was the first time, but it's a lie, ladies and gentlemen. The first time I opened up for a guy named Warren McDonald. That's the first time I ever got paid. But the second time I ever got paid, the truth is I opened up for Lenny Clark.

And I was in a place called Jay's in Pittsfield, Massachusetts. And Lenny, he's always been super cool to me. God, look how fat Greg looks. Does he look fat? Well, if you're comparing now at least you know that Greg would have been going has a horrible joke yeah the big guy by the way Lenny has lost a shit wait yeah weight. Yeah, Lenny is really thin now.

He's a six-pack. He was in that documentary. Wait, wait. Are you serious? In that documentary, he was pulling out towels because he wouldn't stop sweating. And I was talking to the girl I was with last night, and I was like, isn't that crazy? He's just standing there talking to kids, and he can't stop sweating. There was, like, sweat all over his body.

What documentary was it? It's called Happy. And I just saw it last night. I'd never seen this guy before in my life. And I just pulled up this video, and he's in this video. sweating there's like sweat all over his body what's documentary it's called happy and i just saw it last night i never seen this guy before my life and i just pull up this video and he's in this video it's so fucking where's the part where greg and what's it called fight we did that uh movie together um here comes the boom the kevin james movie and lenny clark was in that movie because it was shot in boston and lenny played a local boston guy lenny clark i fucking love that guy but he's he lost a lot of weight man he lost a ton of weight he looks great

i mean he's like really lean he doesn't have a gut at all a lot of italian guys out of work who are very good at this that's true and I'm sure they would do it for a reasonable price and they could come back, we could have a feast. And like they did in the civil war. Is this where Geraldo and him find out? Well, it's about the time I think right here. Well, yeah, they're still laughing. Well, what happens is Dennis Leary gets mad that Greg Geraldo has prepared material. It's really hilarious.

Is it during the nukes of hazard? I don't know. Someone should find this off air and figure it out because it's a really interesting thing. There might be, They're asking for... There's a nonviolent way to solve a problem with the country that we hate, that hates us, that's got weapons pointed at us? I don't think so. No, you're right. Like Russia, for example. That big Russian war. God damn it. There are things that...

Dennis Leary's upset. You have to be strong about it, but there are approaches. There are economic benefits that we're giving them in order for them to stop developing their weapons. I heard recently they agreed to stop building nukes if American women agree to get their nails done at least twice a week. Here we go. That's a good voice. This guy writes so many jokes before the show, it's not even funny. It's unbelievable. He's got a pocket full of them.

They're good ones. They're not good. I'm just saying. It was right there. That's kind of what we do here, Dennis. We're comedy writers. Wow. Oh, boy. Here we go. I'm not coming back! You heard a guy in school that did all the

homework and then asked if there was any more that needed to be done. Yeah, yeah. That's a good point, and if you would try a little comedy writing, maybe your show would still be on the air. Oh! Fucking Geraldo, bitches! They tell me all the time. She said the sanitation guy.

He just crushed him. That's great. Fucking. You know, but that's the thing that happens when dudes get famous. They think a guy can't come along and clown you. Dude, tell me about it. It's the first time I went on the road and I realized there are killers that I have never heard of. No, but when a guy gets famous to a point where you're a Tom Cruise or any sort of a person who's been in movies.

Dennis Leary, when that came out, had been in a ton of movies. He had been in some really high-profile movies. I mean, he thought of himself as a guy who had made it. So I think he probably assumed he was gonna get a certain level of respect so when you did a little writing your show would still be on the air that was like a nuclear weapon that he didn't see coming he didn't see that coming at all he got detonated it's great about your gross is that you that was hubris you look at the look on Giro's face and you can see his eyes twitching and you can see him go angry

Yeah going Three two I got this I got this and then like taking his making his tactical call in his head You could see that happening almost. It's just superior mind Yeah, it's superior mind Just not as famous but a superior product like what he would he would put out his points of view would be superior I'll watch this the idea that there would be like something funny and saying that someone prepared like look at him he prepared being a bully well that's the idea that is ridiculous like that's so so crazy like oh look at the painter he went and painted like what the

fuck what it's it's uh there's a there's a certain personality that and i i'm not gonna speak i'm not saying this is dennis leary but there is a certain personality that and I'm not gonna speak. I'm not saying this is Dennis Leary But there is a certain personality That's so arrogant in that the way I say it will be so much better than the way you say it as opposed to what? I say is better than what you say so like like you could hear the statement before him when he says What we're gonna go to war with a country like the it was very arrogant And he was like yeah like that great Russian Like, yes, that does fucking work. You're not listening to the words.

You're overlooking the thought. Well, he has this idea that somehow or another he's going to be able to solve what hundreds of scholars and heads of states and diplomats and emissary workers, and no one can solve. No one can solve, but he's going to come along and tell you exactly how things need to be run. The ideas of, first of all, communication between nations where they don't even speak the same fucking language.

You know how difficult that shit is? It's so fucking hard just to understand things in cultural context and explain those to different people that are in your country that you're sort of representing. Because Koreans are not like Americans, and Americans are not like Koreans. People that live in North Korea do not understand how we're living in North America.

And the people in North America, for the most part, really are fairly ignorant about what the fuck is going on in North Korea. And one of the big reasons is because we can't fucking communicate with each other. If we could communicate with each other, if everybody in North Korea knew how to speak English and they all could read the shit on the internet about how the world is run and what the fuck is really going on in the country and how the rest of the world views things, they would probably slowly but surely take action. But the fact that they're separate from the rest of the world, the fact they speak this one very unique sort of a language that's difficult to learn and isn't translatable very easily to English or Spanish or anything else.

Is Korean not translatable? It's difficult. The aggression. It's a complex symbol, the way things are written and everything. Our good friends are Korean. We went to a Korean barbecue, his name is Roy Choi. He's the guy that started the taco truck. The concept of the taco truck, it's him.

He started the taco truck? He was the first guy? The premise of these gourmet taco trucks. He's Asian? Yeah, Roy Choi. He's good friends with Bourdain. Asians don't give a fuck, dude. They get things done.

They get things done. Don't they? They really get things done. They They get things done. They get things done. Don't they? They really get things done. They fucking get things done. They really do. They're the fucking future of America. When you eat... How the fuck did they ever figure out how to get...

I don't even know what you've said yet. A full stranglehold on the manufacture of electronic parts and TVs and laptops and shit. Cars. Cars are over there now. There's nowhere in Detroit. No one's doing cars in Detroit. Well, isn't Chrysler still in Detroit and isn't Ford? No, but no one's in Detroit. Detroit's apparently in peril because everyone took their business to Asia. Detroit is apparently in peril because everyone took their business to Asia. It's more – is it more an idiocracy? Not idiocracy.

Theocracy? Not theocracy. What's the word I'm looking for? Idiocracy. Is it? Idiocracy. What are you trying to explain? Where it's like the idea of the state is better than the person. So everyone looks up to the state.

Passion. It's something like that where they care about their job like americans just don't care well you know what happened is first of all the the cars they made sucked that that happened in america yeah something happened we have to figure out there was a period where we got really lazy what the fuck went wrong from like 1973 to the ford tempo and 90 fucking ford tempo Ford Tempo was a fucking, that was a phone-in job by the Americans. That car sucked dick.

It's not just that car. It sucked dick. In 1989, the Ford Tempo sucked dick. But the Ford Tempo is a Ford Tempo. What the fuck happened to the Mustang? In the 80s, it was great. I can say this. I can say this. I have a Mustang today.

I have a Shelby GT500, and I fucking love it, okay? But that's a 2010. And between, like, 1965 and 1972 or 73, they had some dope fucking cars. Really, like, to 69. But then something happened in, like, the 70s and the 80s. Like, you call that a fucking Mustang? Yeah. What are you, a communist?

Would a terrorist infiltrate the fucking Ford plants and hold down the designers by gunpoint and gay up all the drawings? Like how the fuck do you call that? Or un-gay them. I spell gay G-H-E-Y. Or un-gay them, Joe. Homosexuals. Like, because I wonder if it had to do with homosexuality and the fear of homophobia. And they took all these great gay designers that were super closeted in the 50s,

and then there was this manliness, and they disappeared. Are you trying to say that Dick Suckin designed the Corvette? I had to. No, there's no way you can tell me as a man what is sexy without knowing sexy as a man. What the fuck are you talking about, Pete Townsend? The Corvette is the sexiest car you can put me in. Is it really? I just drove one from Miami to Marco Island, and I tell you right now, the second I sat

in that seat, I would let the steering wheel be close to my face because I wanted it there. It was just fucking... What kind of car was it? A Corvette. Which year? Brand new. Brand new. 3,000 miles, convertible.

Oh, the new ones. Was it a 426? I have no idea. The 426s, they have the Z06 engine and suspension and a convertible. So fucking hot. Like, I just felt cool as shit in that car. That's not a Corvette, Brian.

That's a goddamn Miata and it's pink. How dare you hate America on this podcast? Hating America! I gotta poop. Well, why don't you go poop, man? We'll wait. We'll hold on. Yeah.

What time is your comedy show tonight, Brian? I don't know. Can we guide people in your general direction? No, I don't even know where I'm going to go. I'm just going to try to get up somewhere. No, when you do that, what do you do? You just show up and say, hey. Show up and try to sneak my way in.

Hey, my name is Brian Redband. You might know me on Twitter. Yeah, exactly. Is that what you do? Yeah. Why don't you start a room of your own, Brian? Huh? I did.

I have like three rooms. So do you think ever we'll be all contained under one roof? Do you think that ever the full Desquad family will have podcast studios in one gigantic warehouse? I'm in. Because that's what I'm saying. I'm in. I'm saying we also duplicate this at the Onnit compound in Texas. Why not?

Yes, Austin. High fence, thousands of acres, our own lake, plus deer to shoot. How do we get it? Solar power, bitch. Did I say what? What? Maybe we can have our own fucking satellite. How do we get it?

How do we get a death squad studio in a warehouse where we can make TV shows? It's easy. Well, I don't want to make a TV show. But why not? Why not? Because I'm busy, bitch. I'm busy. No, Joe.

It just needs to be an umbrella. Listen, if I make a TV show, here's my next TV show. I'm going to play pool. Pool. That's my next. I don't think it's a great idea. It's not boring. It's not boring.

It's not for you, bitch. It's not for you. 99% of the people. The other show is we are very close to signing. I can't say with who. Don't even say what it is. There's a show that is a lot of it is based in the podcast what are you doing taking text messages no talking about them live on the air no this person said that

they got a new phone number they're like sorry i got a new phone number and i thought they were lying but now they're sending me pictures of this is that is that who is that is that qaddafi is that qaddafi yeah all right so might be not the person i'm thinking it is okay you're getting someone sending you murdered people. That's a doctor's photo? What's that? What's the new TV show you're doing? Oh, it's based a lot of it on controversial subjects.

And a lot of it will start off from the podcast, like examining all sorts of different – there's no tentative – well, we sort of have a tentative title, but I'm not necessarily happy with it so the idea is like the way we've done the podcast where we explore all these different ideas whether it's uh shamanism or ghosts or bigfoot or ufos or fringe topics crop circles reincarnation psychics and we're gonna um talk about it on the podcast like i'll have a guy like you or ari or duncan or joey or any comedian come on and we'll say, you know what? It's like, we'll do it right now. What do you think about Bigfoot? Do you think that it's possible there could be an undiscovered primate that people have been talking about

and reporting for ages and it's somehow or another eluded photography except for a few really questionable photos and some really fucking shitty video that looks fake as fuck. Put all that aside. Put all the hoaxes aside. Do you think it's possible?

I think it's possible. 100%. Why do you think that? Because I believe. Whoa. Yeah, I believe. Wow. I believe in Loch Ness Monster.

I believe in Chupacabra. Do you believe you can fly? Do I believe I can fly? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you believe you can let R. Kelly pee on you if you're a 14-year-old girl and you didn't know why you were there in the first place? I definitely believe that I have the capability to fly in my body. I just haven't figured it out.

And once we do tap into that, I will be able to fly. Okay. But like Bill Hicks used to say, start on the ground floor. All right. Bill Hicks had a great joke about a young man who unasked it, thought he could fly, left to his death. What a tragedy. He goes, what an idiot.

He goes, if you thought you could fly, why didn't you start off he goes what an idiot because he thought he could fly why did he start off from the ground i don't you feel like that i remember when star wars star wars return of the jedi came out no no uh empire strikes back came out i remember watching luke move stuff with his mind and i remember being in the back of my car trying to do that hard as fuck like staring at objects going like... Get it up. Trying to make shit fly. I swear to God, because I was like, that seems logical.

Well, there's certain aspects of life that seem so preposterous and unrealistic. I mean, static electricity. What the fuck is that? It just hits you. Have you seen those Tesla experiments where he was touching electricity and it was like a bolt was flying

through this big Tesla coil and it's connected to his arm hold on have you seen any of those photos did tesla just have you seen the new tesla fucking car did you see them all explode when hurricane sandy hit the the beach in uh in in new jersey what yeah there was a whole warehouse that had like this uh they were uh they had a dock and they had all these new uh kar's that's what it was the Fisker Karma wasn't a Tesla's oh no that's a little like badass other grand it's looks gorgeous there's quite a few really beautiful electric cars

right now but the Fisker Karma is the one and they have like a 16 of them I think exploded on the on the docks so they had them on the docks and the water came up when the water hit these fucking electric cars they just burst into transformers yeah they just fucking blew up and everybody was like oh oh okay shit I don't think they knew that would happen what happens if you drive over fucking standing water what if you drive it home from a flood is your fucking car explode okay cuz I can deal with my car shorting out it's right and you're driving home from a flood? Does your fucking car explode? Okay, because I can deal with my car shorting out. It's raining and you're just sitting there scared to leave.

But if I can save like two bucks a gallon but my car explodes when I hit a puddle. Is that going to happen? Is that what the fuck is really going on? Really, Fisker Karma people? That Tesla looks bad as shit. We've won. It was either Motor Trend or Road and Track, Car of the Year. One of those big magazines made it the Car of the Year.

The Tesla, not the Roadster, but the larger car. Something S. It's like a four-door. And apparently it's just a marvel of engineering. The real problem is going to be state taxes on roads. The roads are going to shut. There's a lot of problems. Another problem is the fact that everybody wants to pretend that buying some sort of an electric car removes you from the fossil fuel food chain.

Yeah. But it doesn't. In fact, it connects you with some even shadier minerals on a really large scale, like lithium ion and all those different minerals. A lot of those are conflict minerals. They come from the Congo. They come from Afghanistan. They come from, like, if I was Brian Callen, I'd say Afghanistan. Afghanistan.

If I was Amber Lyon, I'd say, what was it? She was talking? Bahrain. Please, not in the book. Bahrain. Bahrain. Yeah. The, you know, these minerals that you need to create a lithium ion battery.

By the way, mad love to Brian Callen and mad love to Amber Lyon. We're just fucking with you. Those minerals that you need to make batteries, they come from like really fucking imprisoned and impoverished areas. They're conflict minerals. Lithium ion is officially like a conflict mineral. Like a lot of shit that you need to even make cell phones. It's like, I think Vice had a guide. They did a Vice guide to travel episode where Shane Smith went to the Congo.

I don't know why they're not on the travel channel. I would love to see one of their fucking shows. Because it's too deep. They go too deep. Same shit Bourdain does. No, they go way further than Bourdain. Way further. It's not even close. It's not even close. Where Vice goes to the fucking Congo deep, deep, deep and talks to warlords. Really? They go looking for dinosaurs. Yeah, I'd love to see that.

I think they could put that on. Why not? We enjoy watching it on the internet. Why can't Travel Channel put it on? You're correct. However, most people that run these organizations, whether it's a network or cable or whether it was broadcast television, they're very conservative because they're trying to sell advertising space. Yeah, I guess. When a company like Vice comes along and they have like a Vice guy. And they're literally – and they have no respect for any corporation at all because they'll do what the fuck they need to do to make what they think they have videos where hamilton morris goes into the jungle and he's taking crazy drugs and lying on his back and you know i mean it's like they're not going to sell tide during those times you know they're

going to have to accept that they're not going to to sell time. But they do. See, that's what's really stupid. It's like there's this weird sort of game that we play, whereas we pretend that the people that see all the fucked up things that you can find on the internet are not the same people. That wash their clothes. Yeah, that wash their clothes. I wash my clothes. Buy gas or any of the variables,

any of the things where you try to target people. We're all the same fucking people, man. We just have access to different shit now. We need to accept that. You need to just stop pretending that we're living in some sort of a Catholic school, Sandra Bullock movie view of the world. It's not. It's not reality.

Reality is there's a lot of fucked up shit out there, and I can find it now. I can find it on the internet. It's not. It's not reality. Reality is there's a lot of fucked up shit out there and I can find it now. I can find it on the internet. It's really easy. So you need to sort of adjust your expectations accordingly because there's a lot of evidence. A lot of evidence that shows that reality is pretty fucking slippery. There's a lot of nutty shit out there.

But that Tesla car looks bad as fuck. Yeah, but it will explode if you hit a puddle. What a horrible feeling. They look dope. That's the 426, that one that Brian just put up. That's the new Corvette convertible. It's got a 505 horsepower. The last version of this engine, I think it's called the LS1.

I might be wrong, but it's a huge fucking power and torque. That's also in the Zs1 but it's a might be wrong but it's a huge fucking power and torque that's also in the zr1 the same engine they supercharge it in the zr1 it produces 648 horsepower like this is like for people who like talk about like muscle cars this is like the greatest era of muscle cars in the history of the fucking world no one yeah The muscle cars that people are creating now actually can take turns and they actually have good brakes. Like, there's a Shelby Mustang they have now that's unbelievable. The regular, they have the 302 Boss Mustang. It's like they're moderately powered.

It has 440 fucking horsepower. It's unbelievably powerful. Is it the Dodge Challenger? Challenger? Sick! We went to drive... It's more of a muscle car though. We went to drive Lamborghinis and Ferraris and Porsches

on a track for a trip flip, and the dudes just wanted to drive the Dodge Challenger. They would take you out for a ride, and they were like, this is more fun for us to drive why is that i have no idea but they did everything they do the the burnouts where they spin in circles they're like it's just more fun like those things i you know i think like i definitely have driven a ton of those uh lamborghini type cars those things are fun as but it is a different drive than like it is really

you don't feel as loose maybe as you do in a Dodge Challenger. Like in a Dodge Challenger, you're fucking sliding and you're feeling it. Yeah. Well, they have a broad sort of – you could pick from like a lower horsepower engine to like a really ridiculous engine and those things. Yeah. You could like ramp it up. And there's a lot of of people take those cars and they ramp them up even more like hennessey i know hennessey makes like a 700 horsepower i love when those i love when you get like those special edition cars yeah possible what they are though like the muscle cars of old those things you

couldn't take corners in them yeah like this these are click completely different animals but the Challenger is still like a muscle car whereas like the Camaro has become almost like a sports car because they handle so well might have been it might have been a Camaro they were driving now that I'm thinking about it but like we were taking corners in the lamb Lamborghini and like 90 miles an hour yeah taking corners fucking insane yeah you can do ridiculous shit with sports cars i drove i flew to italy for a day to drive a ferrari down the coast yeah like i had to fly i had to drive a fly i think i texted you about it yeah which one did you drive i have no fucking clue but it was i just drove it down the coast and i had a chase car in front of me and chase car behind me they just

taped it and i just fucking flew it was so much fun like those paddle just flying yeah those paddle shifters a lot of people are upset about that though a lot of people think that a real sports car you should shift it manually and that just because it's quicker to shift it with the paddles like you're missing out on part of the experience and i kind of agree man because i like shifting my own gears i do something fun about it i do too but there's so many people that probably have never learned how to do that they can't learn on a ferrari i'm sure that's just a sales thing because the paddle shifters are much easier yeah um way way easier but it's not as satisfying i mean it's not it's not that it's hard to shift your own gears

but there's something that's like mechanically engaging about putting the clutch in sliding the shifter forward letting it clutch out hitting the gas the same time So something super sexy when you met a girl that knew how to drive a stick and you were like yeah Like yeah, you got a you're you're a good dad Especially if it's like a fucking Mustang or something crazy this dirty bitches out there driving a big fat v8 She wants to drive when you go to the movies and you got to say no

and you got to not let her be on top the first time you fuck either. It's very important. You got to establish dominance immediately, Bert Kreischer. You got to grab that bitch

and let her know the feeling of gravity and the density of the bones in your hips. You know what I'm saying, Brian? Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Hollaback. Ooh-hoo. So, chrysler how much time you spend on the road lately i'm dickload i'm on the road every week i feel like i'm home two days this week i'm gonna take a leak talk to brian about it okay this is in the podcast it's been four hours just five minutes brian i'll tell you a story all right tell me a story sweetie okay um do you want to hear the story that i had i gotta make it okay i'll tell you a good story secret story this is the reason no one would listen to the brian and burt podcast because i find you funny too often oh

thank you i find you funny all the time no no but we like like i listen to the podcast and when i hear you say things that fucking that maybe stop joe or like dice like you said like two or three things that made me laugh so hard during the dice podcast i'm smoking in the studio right now like a bad boy what's in that room right now like a bad boy. What's in that room right there? That's, behind me is just an empty room. There's a lot of empty rooms here at the studio. So, I'll tell you the story, okay, Ryan?

All right. So, I checked into, I did Columbus, and then I did, right after that I did Kentucky. Right. Checked into the Kentucky hotel, the hotel in Kentucky. And I have four bags. I have shirts. I have shirts for two weeks.

So I have four bags. Bellman takes my bags, takes them. I have to let him take them to my room because he's going to get a tip. We go in the elevator. He asks what I do. I say I'm a comic.

We get out. And the second our door opens, another door opens and it's an older white dude. And he walks out like three steps behind us and he follows me down the hallway three steps behind us all the way all the way until we get to the end of the room the hall where my door is and I'm like is he going to my room turns out he's in the room directly next to mine so as he goes to open the door and like like put his key in

I jokingly in front of this bellman thinking he'll laugh I go hey man if you want we can open up that center door and hang out all weekend. And the guy now is like nervous and not, and he's trying to get his key in. And he's like, no, I don't, I don't want to do that. And I go, well, it could be cool. We'll like get to know each other. I said this to this guy. Why would you say that to a guy? Just fucking around. What, him to kiss you or something? No, just fucking around. Why would you ever even bring that up? Just fucking around. Just fucking around as a comic should do. All right.

But what if he said yes? I don't think he will. He's an older man. Yeah, but what if he did? He's an older man. You asking someone for butt sex? No, listen. I'll tell you the story. So I checked into the Kentucky Improv.

I go to do the Kentucky Improv or whatever in Louisville. And I have four bags with me. And the bellman takes my bags up the elevator for me. Is this a gay store? No, it's not at all. It's super it's one of the funnier things I've done We put music to the back of it. Yes Wrap it up with this. This is a strong enough story to close Okay, pull up roadkill ghost choir

Beggars guild and we're gonna play that in the background. Come on, sweetie. Let me design this thing. I know what I'm doing Trust me. Oh, did you pull up? Miss me. No, no. You can't kiss me. You've got to stop. You know, we're playing that out.

We already did that today. With the Brad Pitt, Stephen Dorf thing. What's the... Roadkill Ghost Choir, and the song is Beggar's Guild. Roadkill. We need to get a Death Squad iTunes account, don't we? Maybe just order things online.

You know what we need? Real internet. Hi. Hi, real internet. We need to hang out at Death Squad more. Yeah, okay. We can do one this week, Sarah. We want to do Fridays there?

We can do Fridays there with Callum. Fridays, yeah, because I have an ice house. Okay, beautiful. All right. Now, Bert Crusher, what were you trying to tell me earlier? What were you telling me, buddy we tell me you're in New Weeple Kentucky don't be ignorant Columbus Ohio fuckneck I just invented it so I never heard it myself probably the wrong song for this but it's the perfect song for this.

Tell me what happened. A little volume, please. Yeah, a little more volume. So I check into the Kentucky Improv. And a black dude checks in my bags. He grabs my bags, puts them on the trailer thing. Brings them in the elevator. I got to let him take it to the room.

He's earned his tip, right? Right, right. So we take him up to my room. He says, what do you do? I said, I'm a comedian. He goes, oh, okay. And we don't talk after that. Doors open him up to my room. He says, what do you do? I said, I'm a comedian. He goes, oh, okay. And we don't talk after that. Door's open.

Second elevator door opened. The door's next to us and the elevator next to us opened. And an older white dude walks out and follows us and he ghosts us down like the whole hallway. Everywhere we go, he follows us. He's going wherever the fuck we're going. We get all the way down the end of the hallway. How far away is he walking behind you? Three feet behind us

the whole time. I would have knocked that motherfucker unconscious. It's awkward. It's awkward and we're both noticing it. You didn't confront him? We're all noticing it.

So we get to the last door and I'm thinking, is this guy going to my room? I would assume that guy's trying to do something bad to you. Kissing the butt. You wouldn't assume there's something really wrong

going on? That's what I would think. What would the last thing you would do, Joe, at this point? Listen, here's what happens. First of all, when someone is mirroring you like that, they're being very disrespectful. Because they're not just following you. They're letting you know they're following you. And they're doing it in a very arrogant way.

Or they're being flirty. Well, here's what happened. That could be psychotic. Here's what happened. What would you do, Joe? Immediately, I would ask them what the fuck is going on. All Well, here's what happened. That could be psychotic. Here's what happened. What would you do, Jeff? Immediately, I would ask them what the fuck is going on. All right, now watch what he does. It turns out he's in the room next to me.

So he was going to his room. So as he goes over this... Were you high? I was drunk. Oh, so you were paranoid? No, but I was thinking about it. Were you scared about life? What were you thinking about? I was thinking about the black guy knew I was drunk. Oh, so you were paranoid? No, but I was thinking about it. Were you scared about life? A lot.

What were you thinking about? I was thinking about the black guy knew I was a comic, and I wanted him to know that I knew Kevin Hart. Kevin Hart. Because that's what I thought he would love. That was going to save you? No, no, hold on. And so the old guy goes to open his door, and I jokingly, now I told the black guy I'm a comic, but I haven't done anything funny,

so I jokingly look at the old guy, and I go, hey, if you want, we can open up up that connecting door and we can hang out all weekend so it gets better it gets better Brian so the guys now can't get his because he's now I panicked him and he can't get his door open and he goes no no I don't want that to happen and I go no it'd be cool man we'll open it up we'll hang out with like the darkness and just talk to each other at night and he can't get his door open and finally gets his door open and he goes I don't want that I go, no, it'll be cool, man. We'll open it up. We'll hang out with the darkness and just talk to each other at night. And he can't get his door open. And finally gets his door open.

And he goes, I don't want that to happen. The door opens. And before he can close it, I stick my head in. I go, hey, man, if you change your mind, knock and scratch. So he goes, no. And he shuts the door. And he's fucking panicked. And I look to the black guy.

And the black guy's gone. He's in my room. OK? So I go, fuck. And he shuts the door, and he's fucking panicked. And I look to the black guy, and the black guy's gone. He's in my room. Okay? So I go, fuck, I did that joke for nothing. So I go into the room, and the black guy's putting the bags down. And he gets done all the bags, and I go to take... You might want to get ready to cue the music, Brian. I go to give him a tip, and the black guy looks at me and shakes his head, and he goes, no.

I said, well, I gotta give you a tip, man. He took my bags up here, and he goes, no. Just knock and scratch so i look at the black guy go okay so i knock and i scratch and the guy in the other room goes i don't want to fucking hang out man and the black guy falls apart laughing he's on the ground like so the guy in the next room called downstairs? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. The black guy, the guy who I told the joke for in the first place, heard the whole thing. And he goes, no, man, don't do it. You got to knock and scratch.

So I knocked and scratched. And the fucking guy's like, I don't want to hang out, man. Bert Kreischer, that's rude. Oh, it was fucking the funniest thing I've ever done. You're taking a poor guy with a lot of insecurity and you're fucking with his head. Funniest thing I've ever done. But that's kind of bullyish. You feel bad for that poor dude scared of his ass so bad the whole weekend i kept talking loud as fuck in my room just going i know he's listening to me why don't you just knock on

the door and say hey man i'm a comedian i'm really sorry it was got it was past that it was past that it's past that oh yeah so you had to just like fucking just burn all the evidence. And blow out the flamethrower. You just had to fucking shoot rockets from helicopters. Is this the Incredible Hulk music? This is the end. This is the end. I could fucking, I could do this. I could do this fucking whole fucking night.

My only friend. The end. Well, thank you very much, Desk Run Ohio. You, sir, are a bad motherfucker. I had such a great time today, man.

You're welcome anytime, my friend. If there's anything we can do to help you in any way, shape, or form. You've done everything you could imagine. My vodka coming

when it starts. Let us know, Bert Kreischer. We will launch that bitch Machine Vodka. Machine Vodka. It's in motion, ladies and gentlemen. Machine Vodka just became an official sponsor of the Joe Rogan Experience podcast. They have one year free sponsorship.

We will talk about Machine Vodka for one year for absolutely zero money. And you will buy it all up, and Bert Kreischer will have a helicopter and a place on a volcano in Hawaii. So I can fly to our Texas compound with the high walls. Bert Kreischer's gonna buy Terence McKenna's house on the Big Island and convert it into a bikini factory where the hottest girls in the world will make $1,000 an hour and they'll make bikinis. And Leigh Meester will be one of my models. Exactly.

With Rachel Ray. And Leigh Miserables will play in the background until everyone becomes a sex slave. Zombie. Robot. This has been a fun fucking afternoon of talking. Yeah, it was beautiful, man. This is what we should do all the time. We should do this once a week. You are the reason I have a podcast.

I'm a grateful fucking man. You're the reason the podcast is successful. And Brian, you're how I know how to put a podcast up. We are all together in this crazy soup of life, Bert Kreischer. I am as happy for you as you are for me. We are both together very fortunate, along with Jamie, the new guy, along with Brian. Have you said anything, Jamie? Shut up.

He's not ready yet. He's not ready? He needs to go through an apprenticeship. Eight years. He needs to see success and failure. Yes. Mmm. And then he eats it raw.

Yes, he does. Listen. Just like puzzles. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the end of a commercial-free podcast here at the Joe Rogan Experience. What can you do to give thanks? What can you do? Incorporate all the messages

of the Bert Kreischer Bert Bert Bert podcast into your life, bitches. Bertcast, baby. Check it out. The Bertcast at BertBertBert.com You can find all the information. Incorporate those lessons into your life. A, don't be a cunt. B, look in the mirror.

C, get your shit together, bitches. Get your shit together. We love you, but first, you must love yourself. In order for you to love yourself, you must respect yourself. In order for you to respect yourself, you need to get your shit together, bitch. Give yourself advice pretend you are an outside and objective observer of your own existence and what kind of advice would you give yourself to get your shit together and why won't you follow that shit yourself stop pretending you can't bullshit a bullshitter suck it Death Squad 2013

bitches we're here fuck a Mayan praise Odin son praise Odin bitches Odin knows what the fuck is up and go to rogan.ting.com and save 50 bucks

God bless God bless.