The Joe Rogan Experience - #322 - Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: February 5, 2013

Ari Shaffir is a stand-up comedian and host of his own podcasts, "Ari Shaffir's Skeptic Tank" and "Punch Drunk Sports", both available on Spotify.

The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. So what was it that we had said? Do you remember? Do you remember what I told you to save for the podcast that we were just talking about? Yeah, hang on. Do you remember? Barely.

Oh, yeah, my friend who fell for the Nigerian scam. Yeah, he fell for a Nigerian scam. His brother. By the way, this is Ari Shafir, ladies and gentlemen. And Ari Shafir's new comedy special drops today. Passive-aggressive. Where can you get it? You can go to arithegreat.com.

You can also go to ari shafir.com. Look, that's the Jew in them. See how excited he got about it? This is what I did all morning. This is what I did all morning. I met Kevin Bede this morning. I said hi. Oh, cool.

Those guys are great. Yeah. Yeah, they're way cooler than I thought, you know? Oh, really? You didn't think they were going to be way cooler and i thought you know oh really you think they're gonna be cool i just didn't know anytime you tell me somebody's been in business for 30 years i just assume that means conservative and they're not gonna like me yeah you assume they're old and that they're like just out of touch right yeah something living that soft world of radio yeah i just look at them as adults or something it's like you've been in something i don't know

as opposed to yourself. Yeah. 37 years old. People think of you as an adult, you fuck. I guess so. You're middle-aged. Yeah. You're not even grown up.

You're middle-aged, you fuck. I live like such a slob. Yeah, you're middle-aged if you're lucky. If you're lucky, you live to be 72, 73 years old. That's pretty good. I hope I don't get black mold. It'll just stay there for so long. Yeah, if you got black mold.

It would be the end of me. There would be no cleaning. They definitely should do studies on my body afterwards to see what happens for prolonged use of black mold. Yeah, they would look at your apartment alone and say, this motherfucker is like, he's a study. Yeah. He's just studying what the body can deflect. There's like 18 different toxins in his hand how did it all hold off

so what happened with your cousin? your cousin got busted by the Nigerians? my friend's brother started getting real cunty to everybody and saying you'll see real soon I won't have to take this shit anymore from you and just started being like an asshole

what's your story? Like, I got a plan going. I'm going to be really rich really soon. He was in contact with this Nigerian prince who was trying to get out but needed someone to transfer the money to for a reward. Yeah. Like the scam. He fell for the scam. How long ago was this? Five or six years ago. Not long enough where it's like you must have been the first one He fell for the scam. How long ago was this?

Five or six years ago. Not long enough where it's like you must have been the first one to find out about it. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. That's hilarious. Tim's little brother. What's hilarious is that he started getting douchey first.

Yeah. Like that's how you're reacting to his money? Did you see him being told the whole thing? No, he just told us about it later. But you know way like eddie bravo when you convince him you're getting 10 grand when he was getting 10 grand he was super nice to you he goes brian you're about to come into some money like that's a nice way person's way of reacting to it and then this guy's like hey fuck you bitches i'm about to be out of here can you imagine if that guy actually hit the lottery what a cunt it would be there's some people that are like that.

They're like undercover cunts, and they're just ready to just find a reason. They've been thinking shitty about everybody for the longest time. They just wait for that one opportunity to express themselves. They book some sitcom. I got it. Nah, you fucks. Yeah, that happens with actors. Melissa Etheridge and i

were talking about that yesterday about people who make it and then once they make it they just just act like everybody owes them yeah douchey yeah not like pulled away just acts like an ass yeah wow yeah that's what it is undercover cunts is that yeah undercover cunts yeah that's so uh when like when someone would be like i would smell something and somebody would say, oh, he's a good guy. I'm like, he's an undercover cop. He's just waiting. In the wings. Waiting for that moment where he has the control.

He's that guy in the movie that locks the door and the monsters go and eat all the people that were outside. I'm sorry, guys. He's still on time. He's like 20, 30 yards away. Meanwhile, the monster is in his room and he doesn't realize it. It always gets him. In the movie, that guy always gets jacked. Right?

That's Paul Reiser in Aliens. You remember? What did he do in Aliens? Paul Reiser's best role was not about Jews. Paul Reiser's best role was when he was the bad guy in Aliens. He should have quit right there. That Matt about you was just dead. He went from comic to Aliens to then

sitcom. Yeah, and he was really good in Aliens. He's a really good actor. What was he like in... He was a douchebag in the movie. He was this guy who was an ass-kissy guy who came from this company, but then as the reality of these aliens gets revealed, he's on this other planet. As the reality of these aliens gets revealed, he's on this other planet. As the reality of these aliens

gets revealed, he just becomes more and more mercenary. And then, you know, at the end, like, I don't want to give any spoiler alerts, but he get his! You know? He get his! If it's been 30 years, you can go ahead and spoil it. Well, he gets fucked. If you've never seen

Aliens, it's awesome. But, don't get it in Blu-ray. Why? Because the but don't get it in blu-ray why because the special effects were not designed for blu-ray oh really when you look at there's a scene where um sigourney weaver is being taken towards where this like ship is yeah and they have the ship and it looks like shit it's because you have that true motion thing no no no no you don't understand uh i mean it looks like shit because it looks like a painting yeah i know but do you have that true motion shit on dude it's sitting there it's it's a painting i mean it is a painting what's true motion what it is is look they put a backdrop on some sets instead of

creating the actual massive environment instead of doing, they'll make this huge canvas and paint this canvas a realistic fighter jet. Well, in a regular resolution film of the time, of like 1984 or something like that, whatever it was, when Aliens came out, that was fine. They would just put that up and it would look great. And it really did look great in those movies. It was dark and dimly lit. But in Blu-ray, you see every pixel. And you see that stupid painting. I'm like, I'm supposed to think that's a spaceship?

Like, all of a sudden, the movie sucks. Like, right away. This movie sucks now. Look at this stupid fucking painted spaceship. Like, what do you think, I'm a baby? What is this? I remember when they were doing it, somebody was like, people can tell when they film this, right? Like, nah, technology's not that good.

We'll be fine for 30 years, easy. Well, True Motion does that with a lot of movies also well it's true motion true motion makes movies look fake yeah but that's like you could see like the the detail of like oh that's just an old wall in some office you know like like or how it's filmed you could just see the acting too much. You see so many frames per second that it becomes really realistic. You ever notice how film, things are softer? Yeah. The filters and everything. Video is like a video on your cell phone when you're drunk. It's fucking harsh.

It's really harsh. The lighting is really harsh. Well, that's what this is. It's better, really. It's like you see things for what they really are but unfortunately what they really are is not that good like when i was on news radio the sitcom they were just starting to use hd and one of the things they said this is the 90s news radio started in 94 and it ended in 99. And one of the things they said was that they're going to have HD and these actresses are fucked. Oh, yeah, because they're going to see their mistakes. They're fucked.

They're going to see what they really look like. Yeah. Because if they make you up right and they do your lips and they put you in their soft lights and you're on a regular – you can look pretty goddamn good when you don't look good. When you see them in real life, they don't have good skin. A lot of times, yeah. They can really doctor you up amazing. So what do they do now?

Now they're fucked. The girls have to be better looking. They just can't fake it anymore. Yeah, I mean, people are used to really graphic, high-resolution porn, where you see every zit on the girl's ass. Oh, yeah. People are into... the girl's ass. Oh, yeah. People are into what they call cream-pying, which is they come inside you. It's one of the first things Yoshi gave me, asking if I thought.

They squirt the cum out. But it's like that's what people are into. They're into super detailed, really disgusting. Was it the bubble and the sperm? Yeah, exactly. Why would I say that? Yeah, why would you? Bubbles like a straw with chocolate milk.

Ew. Bubbles. Sperm bubbles. Ew. I have that projector screen now. It's like a 130-inch TV in my living room. So my living room now is just like couch and wall TV. That's awesome though, isn't it?

It's really awesome. That's like the full entertainment space. Your old room was humongous. No, this is like that whole wall is just a TV. Yours is bigger than the one that I used to have at my house. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like small movie theater. Do you have to turn your head back and forth in order to –

No, you just kind of feel like you're in the movie at a point. turn your head back and forth in order to no you just kind of feel like you're in the movie at a point but i can oh and so i had watched blu-ray porn on it uh and it was so disturbing because not only was the vagina taller than me in like in real life but it was just like every single little detail like freckle and they're like it looked like there was like some yellow stuff coming out wait would you freezeed it and walked up to it? No, I didn't. He came on it. He came on a vagina bigger than him.

Up and down it. Have you taken pictures of yourself? Have you not taken pictures of yourself next to a giant vagina? Not yet. You should be doing that immediately. 100 inches is pretty fucking big, dude. And it's really disturbing watching violent porn like Asa Akira or something like that because that's just so hardcore, so big. It gives you heart palpitations.

You feel like you need a helper. I'm really not into that shit. I'm not into that hardcore stuff at all. Asa Akira. I'm not into watching violent porn porn like the hurting people slapping people gagging them and shit like that I don't get that I see plenty of violence

I don't connect violence and sex nobody sees more violence than me it's pretty rare that a human being in all of history has seen more guys get the fuck beat out of them than me and I've seen a lot of violence and I don't like it in my porn rare that a human being in all of history has seen more guys get the fuck beat out of them than me. I've seen a lot of violence.

I don't like any of my porn. I like head kicks inside the octagon or the Muay Thai ring. I do not like... There's no porn with head kicks, are there? Sure there is. There's more than one. There's one that Tyler Knight fought in

Our buddy that was on the podcast at one point in time If you just watch Jiu Jitsu at half speed It's pretty hot Half speed I don't think that's the porn he was talking about I think he's talking about guys and girls But what they did was These guys fought

They fought it out And the winner got to fuck the girls So they had like real fights What? Yeah, yeah What organization was that called? These guys fought. They fought it out, and the winner got to fuck the girls. Oh. So they had real fights. What? Yeah, yeah. Dudes got knocked out. What organization was that called?

Well, I don't know. They made it up, man. It's some fucking porn. Porn fight. But one of them was this dude, Aaron Brink, who was an MMA guy who turned to porn. Wow. So he was like a real fighter, and so he beat the shit out of Tyler. Wow.

I don't know why tyler agreed to that that's he's crazy though tyler's not going to fuck that girl yeah tyler had like a boxing match with mario lopez really yeah wait so you're gonna fuck right after you win the match well i don't know maybe they give you a little break and get rid of it god seriously yeah well if the girl's hot and you get a quick ko maybe you'll be pumped up like a jizz. The spoils of your victory? Yeah. You live in like a – yeah, but people have to watch and put a camera in your face and shit and get all comfortable. While you're cumming, there's other men in the room staring at you.

Oh, oh, oh. And you're like, oh, guys, come on. Let me shower. Damn it. Why are you in here? I'm watching you do this. Yeah. I did some web video once and It was in a porno academy

You had to learn how to be a porno guy It was like a parody Yeah, and that slave from Borat, not Borat Bruno, remember the little slave he had in the beginning? I didn't see Bruno Oh really? No How could you never see it?

You love Borat so much I did love Borat, I have it on DVD I do that sometimes with movies. I'm like, nah. It just never happens. It took me forever to see Tropical Thunder, but I fucking loved it. It took me forever to see it. It took me years.

Like Eddie Bravo would say, you haven't seen it yet. You still haven't fucking seen it yet. I'm like, dude, I haven't seen it yet. You got to see it, man. You got to see it. You got to see it. You got to see it. Oh, you're tired.

I'm like, okay. Is this the painting, the alien ship? No, no, no, no, no. It was inside a hangar, and they were walking up to one of their ships inside the hangar, and it's fake as fuck. It was hilarious. I paused it. I was like, that looks like shit. Yeah.

Wow. Yeah. The dinosaurs from Jurassic Park look bad on HD. Oh, did you think so? Yeah. I didn from Jurassic Park look bad on HD. Oh, did you think so? Yeah. I didn't think so. Well, I only saw the T-Rex film, the T-Rex footage.

I was flipping it through it the other night. Oh, really? Yeah, the T-Rex when it first came over that fence. Yeah. God damn, that was a great scene. That was one of the greatest monster movie scenes ever. When they realized that the electric fence was off. Oh, fuck. And then they heard that thing

and you see the glass like the wiggle in the glass when the thing stops like oh no and then it comes over the fucking top like what remember that they're driving away from it it's running after them yeah god damn it who just told they don't think that t-rex really moved that fast really yeah the the new speculation i think is that t-rex is more of a scavenger than anything oh really oh yeah and they even speculate they even speculate that t-rex might have had vulture like coloring you. Because we don't have any idea what their coloring was, their true coloring.

We just kind of guess. They could be... Look at some of the variation in lizards. It's amazing. One of your fans just swapped together a video of the T-Rexes with different types of coloring to the song True Colors by Cyndi Lauper. I see your true colors.

We slowed down Jiu-jitsu. Bye-bye. Ha-ha. I need to find out what this what these photos of this fucking T-Rex look like. Because I'm pretty sure that they believe that T-Rex was a scavenger. Tate just told me about some T-shirt

that showed the T-Rex doing push-ups. And it's just... Yeah, no, it's a T-Rex. It's on Facebook, he said. It's like a photo that's going around. The T-Rex's face is like his nose is touching but his arms can't touch the ground. It's pretty ridiculous.

T-Rex scavenger look like a t-shirt. While we're looking this up, why don't you take an opportunity to go get my new special, Passive Aggressive. And where can they get it? Can they get it at rethegreat.com? Yeah, you can find the link there, the banner right at the top. Or you can go straight to Chill.com slash Ari Shafir.

Do you have AriShafir.com as a website as well? Uh-huh, yeah. So you own that? Does it transfer? Yeah, same place. Same place. Or vice versa. Yeah, see, this is the new images of T-Rex.

They wanted him to be, they think he's more likely red. Oh. Like a vulture. This is like some scientist's speculation. I saw it, though. Some scientists have speculated this, whether they're right or not. Who's trying to find out new stuff about dinosaurs? There's dudes that are obsessed with dinosaurs, man.

They are completely obsessed. You think Jurassic Park is like their all-time boner movie? Oh, yeah. But, you know, the real issue with something like a Jurassic Park is that it seems like something we would do. Yeah, yeah. It really does.

It seems like something we should do. That would be amazing. Well, the only reason why i say yes is because you see you ever see that apache helicopter footage the shit they can do with those things now uh-huh dinosaurs would be fucked if we really want to jack them yeah we just fly around we'd cut those bitches out of the sky like it was nothing just make a few t-rexes cut their balls off and their babies make a few so you can't breathe. Guys, the electricity is not going to go off. You end up getting four or five generators.

And even if it does, we just make a bomb and drop it on them. Yeah. With a glider. People die, doesn't he, every couple years, I'm sure? Maybe. More people die from hammers than guns, Ari. Yeah, I've heard that. Yeah, a lot more.

Hundreds more. More people die from hammers than guns. Hammers are a very effective way to kill people that are close to you. If they're right there, if they're near you, you can whack them with a hammer. With the backside too? Whatever side. You're going to kill them. I'm not trying to be polite.

I wouldn't use the claw. If I was going to kill you with a hammer, I'd just let you know right now, I would only use the flat part because it seems like a gentlemanly thing to do. How many of those do you think are people just trying to hit somebody over the head with a hammer to knock them out? Most of them are probably. And then realize as soon as you hit, like, oh, skull crush. Most murders are murders on purpose.

And I'm trying to kill you. Half of them were done by MC Hammer. You think so? Do you guys think you could ever kill somebody? What, could you? Yeah. Under certain circumstances. What, do you not think you could?

No, I think I could. Of course you could. Yeah. I can see totally doing it, Ari. I think it's been pretty much proven that human beings can kill human beings under the right circumstances. Ari's going to kill me. Look at this. Oh, you know, and you should be able to.

You should be able to if you have to. I mean, it's not something that you would want to do in life. But say if you were with a girl and all of a sudden some guy attacked the girl and was going to kill her. Wouldn't you attack him and try to kill him? You would just try to save your friend or would you run away like a little girl and just piss all over your pants and scream and try to call the cops and not intervene? It could be that could happen too. But if a guy was trying to beat your girl up and you were absolutely sure you could kick his ass and you had a bat in your hand.

And you're like, go do something. You would just club that guy over the head with a bat, right? Yeah. And if he died, you would have killed him. So be it. Yeah, right. your hand and you're like you just club that go over the head with a bat right yeah when and if he died you would have killed him yeah right see you're very capable of killing a person yeah let's go kill somebody where can we have the greatest game of all well the real problem ari with killing people is that it's a power issue and the real power issue it's not that like logically you shouldn't kill some people yeah the only the logical reason to kill people is the people that are doing something really awful to the human race, whether it's pedophilia, whether it's murder, whether it's fill in the blank

with whatever horrific human crime against humanity. Those people, there's a very good argument for removing them from society yeah but then the problem becomes like who gets to choose and that's where you kill just for jealousy comes from oh yeah well you know people kill for a lot of kill for robberies they kill for a lot of reasons yeah i knew a dude who killed um a girl from killed a guy for money do you think you'd kill somebody if they were just going to find out you were doing something and you were gonna by them living you were gonna have to go to jail for 20 years whoa you know you probably kill somebody if they were just going to find out you were doing something and by them living you were going to have to go to jail for 20 years? Whoa.

You know, you probably shouldn't have done whatever the fuck would put you in jail. I know, definitely shouldn't have, but here we are. Depends on what kind of a person he is. He looked kind of like a little bit chubby, kind of looked like he had a snarky face, undercover cunt. Oh, I'd kill him. But he would kill him. Kill him with a rock. But he didn't do anything wrong.

But he just looks like someone you wouldn't like. It's a rat. Let him drown. A rat gets what a rat gets. What is that saying? I don't know. Snitch. Was it Donnie Brasco?

Fuck, I don't remember. I don't remember. Snitches get their bitches. Snitches get their bitches? Mm-hmm. No, Brian. That's not. You're just talking.

That's a gang of people who snitch. You're just talking. You're like a fucking three-year-old. That's their greatest weapon is snitching. Are you going to be like's not you're just talking it's a gang of people just talking that's their greatest weapon is snitching are you gonna be like this when you're 55 i'm really curious i'm right i saw that i uh you chose this life you chose this position i think when you're 55 you're gonna act like a 30 year old yeah you think he's to move up to 30 that quickly? Think about in his normal time line. 17 years. Yeah, but if you looked at it all and did it in dog years,

he's about 8. Really? You just have a slow-moving progeria. That's what you've got. Just really slow acting. Your body's withered away while your insides are still 14. No, he's 38 and looks like he's 25 all right looks pretty young i mean he's 38 years old look at his face

this is fairly young looking i don't know what people look like he does he looks young he looks very good for 25 years old puffy puffy yeah slipped on cat hair last the kid got in shape he'd be handsome as fuck he's got good jeans as far as keeping his face together? Yeah, it's not bad look good with the beard But the reality is he's emotionally eight years old But it's works it works, you know, I mean like who's to say how you should live this life it's fucking I'll do it It's temporary. All right. Oh, you should be the one Totally down It's fucking temporary. It's temporary, Ari. You should be the one. If you're wondering, I'm totally down. We should start with you. Love that.

We should start with you and examine your behavior at the TSA. Oh, yeah. Ari, I heard that you won't take off your shoes now, which is something that you never did with me that I remember. Is it something new? Nope. I didn't think of it. I've been set free by my association with other people. What happens?

What are you doing? Your association with other people? Not Brendan. Brent Weinbach. He's such a germaphobe. He can't take off his shoes. Right. And I flew with him to San Francisco.

I was like, how do you not do it? He goes, I have a medical condition. What's your medical condition? He goes, if they ask, I just say something in Latin. I just say a couple Latin syllables and they say fine. But they're not supposed to ask. And I was like, and then you don't have to take your shoes off he goes no

they just have to like swab it a little bit and then and then and he goes I like them patting me down too I like the way it feels like a hug

that's what Brent Weinbach says you're a creepy son of a bitch Ari that's what Brent Weinbach says Ari didn't say that he said the other guy yeah but that's why he's doing it

because he wants a little hug no no what he wants to do he wants an opportunity to complain and he gets an opportunity to complain. And he gets super shitty with these people. Yeah. So he got super shitty with the one guy in L.A., but that guy was pretty easy going.

But then he got super shitty. Depends what they ask me. I say, I can't do it. Medical condition. Okay, go this way. Okay. If they say, are you opting out? I was like, I don't know what that means.

And they say, do you not want that? Or do you want a pat down? I go, no, I don't want a pat down, but I'm not doing that thing. So what are my options? Are you just trying to be Larry David? No, I'm just trying to not let them take away these freedoms from me without going down with a little bit of a fight. I see what they're doing. They're just harassing us.

And I don't want to just let them do it. They're not harassing us. But we can – hold on. We can go back to what the fun I was doing. But what – well, no. Let's go back to – it all originates from this. It originates from this opinion that you have that they're harassing you.

Yeah, they're just bothering everyone. It's just some giant bureaucracy. Right, but it's... They don't run efficiently in any way. They've had a lot of issues with planes and terrorism. I mean, they really have. There really was an asshole who tried to light a shoe on fire. There really was. The asshole who got through a shoe on fire. There really was.

The asshole who got through TSA? Yeah. And the shoe bomber who got through TSA? Yeah, that's why they started taking your shoes off to x-ray them. Who have they caught? I don't know if they've caught anybody. But their head's in the range of zero people. Do you know if they've caught anybody? No, they haven't. They show all these weapons they've confiscated and stuff, knives and such.

I got one confiscated from me before. It's not like keychain. You forget about it. That's what they confiscate. Nobody who's trying to – Are you sure about this? Yeah. That's what the studies show. Have you researched this?

Yeah. They caught somebody – They've done no good at all? As much as I can. They caught somebody recently that I remembered that had like a whole plot to take down a plane and stuff like that. Intelligence probably stops them. Yeah.

I think that's – you're confusing the FBI and the CIA. What T CIA does. The CIA is Central Intelligence Agency. That's supposed to be – They're just a large, crooked organization. That's supposed to deal with foreign shit, right? And the FBI is the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Is that how it works?

I don't know. But Ari, don't you think maybe just like, hey, I'll just take off my shoes and walk through this machine and go like this and that's cool. I'm done. And instead of having to deal with it and just be an asshole to somebody that's just doing their job absolutely well hold on let me back up on on uh let me get back to someone's just doing their job but yes it is it would be way easier to take off my shoes and go through it and be quiet but i saw it one day i was on a pot cookie obviously and i was looking at them i had like an hour till my plane took off and i was looking at them just stopping everyone and each and every person having to go through that scanner

the old scanner we had to raise your hand and, the old scanner where you had to raise your hand. And now, again, the new scanner, you have to raise your hand. It looks like they're conditioning us. They're putting in these checkpoints. Who are they, Ari? Who are they? The United States government. If they found a guy with his fucking shoe with a bomb packed in his shoe and that guy could have been on your plane if they don't check.

When someone goes in with a bomb in their fucking shoe and blows you out of the sky, then what? Yeah. That's obviously the way. Do you not think that there's a deterrent for bringing aboard bombs and bringing aboard really dangerous shit that could take down a plane by checking people's bags? And you're not allowed to say you walk on that plane knowing that. Absolutely. It's an absolute deterrent.

It's an absolute deterrent, but that doesn't excuse that this is not the right way to deter it. Okay, how do you think that they should check your bag? I think they should – yeah, maybe. I don't know. I have no idea. Yeah, your problem is you're reacting. But I will tell you this, that I have read this, that those things don't even check for those types of explosives. The x-rays.

Yes, they do. The x-rays. Yes, they do. X-rays test for plastic explosives. C4, it's got a very unique way it looks. It looks like a big brick of clay. And if you have C4, if you have anything that looks remotely like that, they do a secondary check. You know, for you to say there's no reason.

No, no, there is a reason. There is a deterrent. I just don't think they're organized in any way and I don't like what they're doing. Because they're people. The checkpoints. There is a deterrent. I just don't think they're organized in any way and I don't like what they're doing. You know why? Because they're people. The checkpoints – What this is – There's 65,000 corrupt people, corruptible people. Corruptible but they're also just people that are there for a job that exists because there's a need.

And the need is to make sure that people don't go on planes with fucking bombs because people are crazy assholes. don't go on planes with fucking bombs because people are crazy assholes. And a lot of people are willing to do something like that and blow themselves up and kill a bunch of people because it's terrorism and because it scares the fuck out of people and because it has a lot of value politically, obviously. With us.

A lot of value to blow people out of the sky. You want to prove your point. I don't think we should have checked for them. Well, then you have to be checked, motherfucker. But I don't think we have to give up our civil liberties in order to stop what may happen. Ari, you're not giving up your civil liberties. Weren't they able to do this beforehand? You're getting checked.

You're making sure that you're – yeah. When they were able to do it before then and then they found out and did it and did some shit, blew some people up. And they said, OK, we have to stop that now. Let's be a little more stringent. Who blew some people up? The people who were in 9-11 and flew fucking planes into their towers. The hijackers. Yeah, they hijacked the plane. They didn't blow it up. But they hijacked the plane. Absolutely. Okay, one of them

blew up, but they think that I was actually the United States government that blew that fucker from the sky. Flight 93. They said it went down. Yeah, well, actually, Rumsfeld said it was shot. Was Rumsfeld? Or one of them said it was, I believe it was Rumsfeld, said it was shot from the sky. and then corrected himself. It just went down.

Yeah. They shot that fucking thing down. They even had eyewitnesses who saw a military jet scrambling after that plane. Have you seen them fucking harass people in wheelchairs? Yeah. You know why, Ari? Have you seen them fucking steal shit left and right? Because they are just people.

Yeah. And you get a wide variety with people. You get competent people and you get incompetent people. Untrained. They're not trained well. Well, I – For them to be in charge of you. I agree.

You can't say that as a blanket statement. They make $12.50 to $14.50 an hour. They're not – there's no training process for them. It's so small. That's not like a cop. We have to go through a whole – I've researched it a little bit. I agree that a lot of them can be goofy. They don't have like any firearm training. There's nothing they do like a cop. We have to go through a whole – I've researched it a little bit. I agree that a lot of them can be goofy.

They don't have like any firearm training. There's nothing they do like a police officer does. They don't really know what the code is. They never let them agree at all. Yeah. Well, you know why? Because there's no money. They're just people, and here's why.

It's a giant bureaucracy, and at this point, they cannot pare it down. They cannot make it more efficient. Yeah, but being an asshole to somebody that's working – Asshole to someone who's running checkpoints on other people. Yeah, but being an asshole to somebody that's working... Asshole to someone who's running checkpoints on other people. Yeah, but that's his job. If you don't like it, you don't attack the employees. Yes, you do. Here's why. Just because

someone's paying you to do something does not excuse that behavior. Good or bad, this case or another case, but someone paying you to do something is not an excuse for behavior. No matter what it is. I think we're dealing with some Holocaust share here. Yeah.

I mean, you don't want to jump straight to that, but let's just say it was something else. Yeah, absolutely. It looks exactly like that. Why are we raising our hands? Why are we taking shit off? Because they're checking you for bombs. For underwear bombs again. Nice.

They're checking you for things that you could use. That's what the fucking radar thing is for, or whatever it's called, the x-ray thing. Ari. That's why they're checking you. What are you talking about? It's better than the screeners. When you're going through a screen.

What about the x-rays that they used to use, and they sometimes use now? What used to use? What x-rays? The x-rays. The box, the same thing you're talking about? Well, those have more radiation. No, no, but what happened to them?

They still use them sometimes. They started using this other thing because it's a visual imagery. It works better. You can actually see where the problem issue is. If someone's wearing a vest or something like that. Yeah. And the vest isn't metal and you go through a metal detector. Wait, hold on.

What? If the vest isn't metal. Look, my watch doesn't go off in metal detectors. Yeah. Okay? Look at it all. It's If the vest isn't metal. Look, my watch doesn't go off in metal detectors. Yeah. Okay? Look at it all. It's metal. Go right through metal detectors.

Ari, it's metal. A fucking bomb and a switch isn't a weapon either. Yeah. But if you have a bomb and a switch on, you likely, it would be easier for you to go through a metal detector than it would to go through one of those scanner things. When you're holding your hands up, they could see if you have gum wrappers in your pocket. It's no joke. Those machines are incredible.

I had a dime, and it told me, he's like, do you have something in your right pocket? I'm like, no. And he's like, oh, yeah, there's a little dime in there. I had pills in my pocket once, and they said, what's in your pocket? And I was like, something, and they said, take it out. And I was like, no.

Well, you're supposed to take it out so they know that you don't have anything that could blow up a fucking plane. I had pills pills in my pocket i had fucking boner pills in my pocket i didn't feel like taking them out in front of everyone at the airport you know that but we're giving up these yeah you know that's what you had your pocket what if you had a stick of c4 and what if you sat near a fucking exit door and blew your fucking brains out i understand punched a hole in the plane that's not what's happening they're not catching anyone doing those things i don't know that and i don't think what's happening. They're not catching anyone doing those things.

I don't know that, and I don't think you know that either. They're not catching anyone doing those things. Well, here's the deal. Citing national security concerns, the TSA will not point to any specific cases in which a screener stopped a would-be terrorist at a checkpoint. You know, they don't need to check us for the liquids anymore. You can just pretty much carry through water. Why do you say that? Because I think either their detector thing, the belt either recognizes it,

they have the technology to do that, or they no longer think that's a threat in any way. I don't think that's correct. As of three years ago. I think unless they're using some other equipment, I don't see how you could see liquid explosives. I don't know either, but they can do it. The old guy who ran the TSA said that.

Oh, wow. He said, but because it's hard to... The guy who used to be the head of the TSA said it. And so he said – Are you going to completely discount what he said? Well, I didn't know what you were talking about. He said the old guy who ran the TSA. I thought you were talking about somebody you met. Okay.

I didn't know you met the guy who ran the TSA. The head of the TSA said that. Three years ago. What was the exact quote? I don't have the exact quote in my head. Well, what is the exact statement? Is he saying that you can detect he's saying he's a regular the thing when they send your bag through they can just detect explosive liquids either there or in the other one seems like we don't need that

anymore it's a visual but he goes it's too much work to change it so no one's bothered to change it because it's such a big corporation of 65,000 employees this army has that they just won't change it. Right. So again, we just can't do stuff. And the excuse is always like, well, if you don't like it, don't fly. Or you make some statement like, well, planes are flying out of the sky. They're blowing up planes left and right.

You don't want planes being blown up, do you? So if you're in favor of any sort of these guys are taking it too far, then you're in favor of planes blowing up, which is not the case. Yeah, but they actually have busted people, it turns out. They busted a guy named Kevin Brown, a U.S. Army veteran

who was trying to check luggage containing pipe bombs. This crazy motherfucker had pipe bomb making materials in his luggage he was trying to put together a pipe bomb yeah it was recent right yeah yeah he wasn't he was trying to check it yeah he was checking a pipe i mean imagine if they didn't have that security, though, especially with all the recent school shootings and shit like that. It seems like if they got rid of it, it would just open up. You don't get rid of it. You've got to definitely go back to the old way.

And you've definitely got to lock the cockpit door and tell them not to open it for any reasons. What's the old way? What is the issue? What issue do we have? Well, what did we do in 2000? What did we do there for security? Well, whatever they did, it didn't work to detect box cutters. Yeah.

So we should figure out what they're doing now that's different and then figure out if you really want to criticize it. What it is is it's a checkpoint. Here's what I'm against, not checking people for bombs and for things that are going to try to kill people on a plane and take down a plane. That's fine. Box cutters, they've proven over again. You can get those on now. You can still get those on. They've over and over again proven that.

Okay, if someone's incompetent, but that's not the fault of the people that have arranged this system. I'm saying it doesn't really work for what would have happened. What would have worked is just lock the cockpit door. Right. And they do that now. Yeah. That's a new thing they've learned. Yeah.

For the most part, that's solved 9-11 the way they did it there. So you agree that they have to check your bags to make sure you don't have bombs? Yeah, check something. Okay. So what do you have a problem with specifically

that you get so riled up? That it's a 65,000 person army that has control over us that can tell you, come with me, open up that, let everyone look at you. They can push people

that have no legs they can they can embarrass old ladies and we have to do what they say they can steal our belongings and we have to do what they say and there's just an untrained random dudes that are doing that that are making us raise our hand like we're under arrest and i just don't like it i don't like it it's just gross the whole thing is gross gross. No one likes it. No one goes there and goes, thank God these guys are doing their job. We reacted under a time of intense, intense emotion

where we didn't really have time to think it out. Now we already have all these things in place and we can't rethink what the TSA is. Wasn't there checks before? They used to check your luggage. Go through a radar detector. Or whatever it's called. X-ray.

They've always checked it. What specifically is the issue? They used to check your luggage. Go through a radar detector. Yeah. Or whatever it's called. Not a radar detector. X-ray. Yeah. They've always checked it. So what specifically is the issue? The pat-downs. But they only pat-down if you opt out. I don't get pat-downs. Yeah. I've never had a problem with anything.

I fly right through the security. I'm in and out and gone. It's like why even bother making that harder or more – like especially if you have some weed on you or something ridiculous. Hey, hey, easy. Fake weed. What the fuck are you doing i'm talking about tobacco they're just they're just a bunch of people you put up with like the authorities yes but i think that's the issue whenever you have people that are in any sort of position it's you know they have it becomes a job whatever it is it needs to be done so it needs to be you gotta you gotta guard yeah but the guy aliens are coming in because there's a fucking spot where the aliens land.

You got to be ready. You got to have guys there ready to guard it. Well, those guys are going to fuck off. They're guys. They're normal people. No matter what you do, you're always going to have people that poorly implement whatever strategy you have. So you think they're great, the TSA?

That doesn't mean I think they're great. You're not a child. You know what I'm saying. I know, so I'm saying, so what do you think is their problem? Why would you say that? You think they're great? I wouldn't say that. No, I know.

You're enforcing your opinion. You're enforcing your opinion by exaggerating mine. No, because I want you to tell me what you think the problems are with TSA. Okay. The problems are with TSA the same problems they are with any system where people get in any position of power over people. They automatically act like douchebags. It's the same as security guards. Yeah.

I mean, it's the same as bouncers at clubs. it's the same as security guards yeah i mean the same as bouncers at clubs it's the same as some cops it's a it's a difficult thing to have that kind of power over people and not abuse it and not be cunty about it remember when we got to the airport there's this one guy who was being or just really attention to horry attention ladies gentlemen please get your it was like don't do this big speech and everybody got annoyed by and then i would like one more request everybody please smile like you fucking weirdo yeah you just put on a show you fuckhead it's like a street performer or something i mean it was like that's what it was doing like he decided this is what he does because everybody has to listen because he's the man with the power the tsa guy but that's just one douchey. I've met a million people that do it that are friendly as hell.

You're like, did you have a good time? Yeah, it was great. Great. Enjoy Chicago? Chicago is awesome. Boom, you're in, you're out. Everything's fine. You're just interacting with some people that are doing their job.

And I personally find I've never had a problem. They've always been pleasant to me. No one's ever got douchey with me. If I accidentally have my belt on, I say I'm sorry, and I take the belt off and I put it in the thing. You know what I mean? It's simple. It's not prostrating. It's just being nice to people while you're doing their gig.

Their gig doesn't bother me. I'm not flying with any bombs. I'm not flying with any guns. So I'm not worried about them checking my underwear. My bag is pretty simple. Go ahead and look in there. There's not flying with any guns. So I'm not worried about them checking my underwear. Okay? My bag's pretty simple. Go ahead and look in there. There's some toothbrush, some toothpaste. There's nothing to worry about.

So as long as there's nothing to worry about, you sail right through. Do I think that is this ideal? Under that logic, they could tap your phone if you're law-abiding. No, that is not the same logic. Jesus Christ. Why is it not the same logic? Because tapping your phone and listening to intimate conversations,

find out aspects of your life that you wouldn't want revealed, find out where you live, what you're doing, what your plans are, that's not the same thing as checking for a bomb. But under those circumstances, it sort of is. Just looking at intimate parts of your life and they can look through your stuff. They're not looking at clothes.

I mean, unless you've got a bag of dildos, which, by the way, Stanhope did. What if you're in the closet and you have a gate horn in there? He actually, on purpose, brought a bag of fucking – after September 11th, he had a whole suitcase filled with rubber fists and rubber vaginas and fists and dicks and just everything. And he just sent it through the x-ray so that they had to open it up and check it. He's like, yeah, that's my stuff. Ari, if you go to the Burbank airport... They say he turned one of them on. Did he?

Something like that, so they had to find which one it was. Oh, what it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you go to the Burbank airport, almost every single person that works there, the staff, the people that check you, I've never had one problem. Those are the most friendliest motherfuckers ever.

Just doing their job. Yeah. Aren't you scared from being such like an asshole, I guess, is what you would call it to these people, to get on some kind of no-fly list, especially since you're a comic and half of your job is – That's definitely a fear. Isn't it easier? That's no-fly list. And here's where that fear comes. comic and half of your job. Yeah, that's definitely a fear.

Isn't it easier? That's no-fly list. And here's where that fear comes. From them holding over you that if you cause too much trouble for us, we're going to threaten you to fear that you will no longer be allowed to fly. That's a real thought that people have. Right. You're not the first one.

Right. To stop terrorism, to help them stop terrorism would be someone like me or someone who mouths off too much on a no-fly list. That would help us stop terrorism. To make people live in fear. But they might decide that you make things very uncomfortable and unpleasant for a lot of people around you as well when you're at the airport because you're yelling out. A lot of people are scared to say it on podcasts too or anything like that just for the sake of, hey, be careful. People can put you on no-fly list.

That's a real thought people have. They can just do this to you. They can. They can grab your ability to fly in the dark like a fucking gulag and just take you

out of there. All right, my friend is so scared to fly that she has to take so much drugs just to calm her heart rate down just enough

so she can even be there. And if you start being intense to her, can even be there. If you start being intense to her, she will freak out. If you were to be intense around her, she might go crazy. If she was scared of the dentist and I was intense to the dentist, it would be the same thing. She's not my responsibility.

Flying is a big deal for a lot of people. My mom is scared to fly. I know a lot of people. Bert Kreischer gets blackout drunk before he flies to fly. Bert Kreischer gets blackout drunk before he flies. I think Bert Kreischer would blackout drunk because you made him

go to the movies. I gotta go to the movies! Oh, it's time to get fucked up! Well, he's also scared of balloons, Joe. Oh, you got a fucking balloon? Jesus Christ, where's the booze? Yeah, Bert Kreischer's

using that shit and it's his excuse. He's away from his wife and kids. He's got no responsibility. He's gonna get hammered on a plane. There's nothing wrong with that, Bert.isler is using that shit, and it's an excuse. He's away from his wife and kids. He's got no responsibility. He's going to get hammered on a plane. There's nothing wrong with that, Bert. Just fess up. Fess up with your anxiety-ridden.

Here's the deal. I don't mind them taking the shoes off. It's not that. It's just their being there. I don't like it. You know what? I think they're necessary. I think at this point in our reality.

I wish they weren't necessary. I wish I didn't have to believe and I'm not necessarily saying that it has to be run the way it's run I don't think it's efficient but I don't think that anything's efficient you know what else isn't efficient? the DMV

do you go to the DMV when you go to get your fucking license and start screaming we didn't ask for this I want a fucking car I don't want to deal with your bullshit it's a corrupt organization but I can renew my license online I don't want to deal with your bullshit. It's a corrupt organization. But I can renew my license online. I don't have to come in contact with them. Can you really? Yeah.

You can renew it online now? Yeah, why not? Yeah, but you can't go in there and take a photo or anything. That's beautiful. Well, you know, there's a thing you can do at the TSA where you get pre-approved. And when you get pre-approved, you don't even take your shoes off. You just go right through. Because you fly a lot they assume you wouldn't be a person. Well, no, they do a check on you. They do a check to make sure you're not some fucking psycho.

Yeah. Make sure you never got arrested at the airport for harassing the TSA. I thought you were going to get arrested. Why would I be arrested? While Ari was yelling at them because you were yelling at people. Is that illegal? Swearing at them, calling them fucking idiots? Yeah.

Yeah, he was calling them fucking idiots. Ari. Why is that illegal? Are you brooding it out? Though he did threaten to bring over the cops on me. When I said that, the TSA, the trained authority over me said, I'll bring over a Metropolitan Security Officer or Metropolitan Police Officer. That's what they do. If I say, you're an idiot.

The TSA doesn't actually arrest you. The other people arrest you. What they're worried about is that you were being aggressive and they thought that you could have been a crazy person. Disorderly conduct, man. They drove me crazy. Right. But the way you reacted to it is like someone was being aggressive and they thought that you could have been a crazy person disorderly conduct man they drove me crazy right but the way you reacted to it is like don't you think that's weird though that everyone's a little scared violation no i'm not scared don't you think that's a little weird that everyone's scared of being put in this no-fly zone like that's a real thought like don't piss them off or they'll put you on a no-fly list you should be worried about

government corruption and anybody that puts you in a government no-fly list because you have espoused views that they don't feel like fits the company line. That's very scary. Yeah, it's a problem. It's very scary and very dangerous. But that's not what's going on here. What you need to worry about being put on a no-fly list is just because of your behavior. It's just you made a scene. Yeah, I'm allowed to call him an idiot all I want.

It's not the way you're doing it. The way you're doing it, you yelled and you escalated and you made it a big deal. So what are your problems with TSA? It's not good. It's not efficient. What do you mean?

There's crazy long, dumb lines. There's a bunch of people running things like that guy with his stupid, one more thing, please smile. Come on. It's very annoying it is annoying we don't want anything to do with you that's a person in a position of power and i think those same issues i think it's a problem with humanity when people get in a position

of power they actually do feel like they have uh you have to listen to them you know i mean i've had that with bosses i've had i mean we've all had that with teachers. But people get in a position of power. They act as if they have some inalienable – some indefensible authority over you. Yeah. They're just – they're powerful. Yeah. And it's a natural thing. Well, that's opportunistic people. That's poor people also.

They were laughing at those naked pictures of people. They were sitting in control and just laughing. I would too. You would too. I do. We had that job. Yeah, that's human. So I wouldn't have that being just laughing. I would too. You would too. We had that job. That's human. So I wouldn't have that being a job.

You'd probably come on those pictures. I probably would. I wouldn't be any better. Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't be better if I was in that job. Right. So... I'd view the fucking travelers as the enemy also. I don't think it's that bad of a job. I don't think it's that big of a deal. I really don't. You're just harassing people. That's your job.

It's to harass people. I've never been harassed that way. But just because you have doesn't mean it's a real thing that no one has. So it's like obviously there's some times. You have people doing anything in a position of power. There's a certain percentage of wrong interactions that are going to take place where people are going to be harassed. Why are we putting untrained people in these positions of power? the power of us. Because it would cost even more fucking

taxpayer money to train these assholes and to pay them more money and to go and get more qualified, more socially advanced people for the job. I mean,

what are you going to do? Where are you going to get them? You're getting people, a lot of these people that work for the TSA, there's not a lot of other jobs, you know?

Yeah. And that's what the issue is. Like, they have to take this job. It's not a bad job. What do you want to do? They can't get rid of get ready they can't downsize it now they're unable to is that what it is 65 000 employees it would make a tremendous dent you would see the mark on the unemployment rates i'm not necessarily saying that they need to downsize it they they

they need to make it more efficient and it would be nice if people were more pleasant possibly privatize that's that's uh that's an issue with human beings maybe privatize it even if they privatize it man it'd be even creepier because then it would be some fucking giant corporation instead of some inept government that's what it was before agency airlines would hire people yeah i don't know if that's good or bad i really don't know but what i do know is that you know your your anger about it yeah i don't like him is it gets he's gonna get you in trouble. Yeah, if you were screaming, that's scary. That's crazy.

You should not scream at anyone, man. That's putting out bad energy. I'm calling over my supervisor, and the supervisor comes over. He goes, oh, great. He goes, the head idiot in this corrupt organization. He goes, what the fuck are you doing? What do you want? He's talking to him like that. Yeah. What he was like a listener and a fan of yours what the what that would have nothing to do

with my feelings about his job i bought your uh your comedy cd online it was really good that's great i don't so what if he's punching nuns cool just because he said he's a fan of mine doesn't have he's also a person with a job i know but, but I've already told you. I have a job. You need to go above that. If you really care this much about it, you need to fight the guy that's in charge of all. It's not the employees that are just trying to work on kids, families. I try on Twitter sometimes to tell everybody that the head of the TSA, the guy who ran the TSA, is the guy who owned the company that made those scanners that we don't use anymore.

He was the one who said, we need those scanners, and then he sold it to himself. So the head of this company... Are you sure about that? Yeah. He was the former head, went to this, he got the contract, opened up, spent all his money. They used for two years and got rid of now. The one that wasn't fully tested, I guess.

He made billions. Billions? So much money. Do you know how much one of those things cost? How much? I don't know. $70. More than $70. And they have them everywhere. And the only reason we had them, we didn't invent this time that somebody was like, oh,

somebody tried to get through. We need this. He just said, yeah, we need it now for no reason. And now he has to make it. That's just from the start. Former TSA director Michael Chertoff owns Body Scanning Company. So he's the former director. So he left and started a business that makes these body scanners and then sold them to the TSA.

Like the TSA had to buy his business. So that sounds like some fuckery for sure. Yeah. Sounds like some fuckery for sure. So all this money. Chertok's advocacy for the technology dates back to his time in the Bush administration. In 2005, Homeland Security ordered the government's first batch of the scanners, five from the California-based Rapid Scan Systems. Today, 40 body scanners are in 19 airports.

Listen to this. The TSA purchased 150 machines from them with $25 million in American Recovery and Reinvestment Act funds. So in this summer, when there's like, oh, man, we got to bring this economy back. Remember when they were throwing all that money back in? Invent the jobs. They threw $25 million at this cunt and his stupid fucking scanning machines. Yeah, if you had to choose between money going to that or money going to mental health and education. $25 million? Nutrition for school kids.

Fuck you. I just think you should fight it on a larger scale than attacking poor employees of Burbank Airport or LAX Airport when they're just trying to do their job. I already told you. I don't respect that just trying to do my job argument in any way. That's not an excuse for anything. But you're making it unpleasant, but you're still going through it. All you're doing is making it unpleasant. Yeah, I would like to make it unpleasant for them.

I don't like – now, let me ask you a question. What if they would go further to get better testing, even more testing, even more clear about what you have in you? Why would they have to go further? Well, they already did to get these scanners. Right, but why would they have to go further than that? Why would they have to go that far? Because they didn't have scanners that could see bombs. I think it's just more efficient.

If you were strapped wearing a vest or if you're wearing drugs taped to your body or if you're concealing something like a plastic weapon. Wouldn't strip search be the best thing? I guess strip search would be the best thing. Yeah, but so why would we not go that far? It's sort of a slippery slope and I don't see why it's gone this far and I don't know why it wouldn't go even further. Well, the only way it would go even further is if something cataclysmic happened. Yeah. But the scanners didn't – it wasn't a result of anything happening or anything even trying to happen.

No, but it's just more efficient. That's all it is. Joe used to go through those old machines with his watch on. Every time he was like, look at this. Isn't that crazy? Now that doesn't happen. Yeah. It's just better technology.

They got new iPhones. It really is better technology. I mean, I think I made a forum post on – maybe I didn't. Maybe I said I was going to and I decided not to. Wouldn't a strip search be the best technology? Yeah, but we don't need that. Yeah, but they're not doing that. It's like you're arguing against them

escalating past the point where they're at right now. But they escalated past the point where they were before. And it wasn't based on any need. It wasn't based on a need. Joe is going through that old machine with his watch on. With his watch on. You keep telling him about his watch. Who cares about his watch?

That wasn't a thing. That's a perfect example. It's an efficient machine. You could use the same parts. If it didn't detect your watch, that's fine. If it didn't detect a bomb or a knife, that's not fine. You would need to show me an example of sometimes they didn't detect a bomb or a knife. They didn't see plastic knives.

Those radar things didn't see plastic knives that you have concealed and taped to your body. They have plastic knives. They're made out of this composite plastic. They can fucking kill you easy. And they can see those now? They can see those now. So there's a lot of shit that used to be indetectable

that they could find. You know, I don't think What if they invent something that these things can't detect? But Ari, for you,

it's not a different experience. You put your shit down, you walk through. I just don't like them taking the power. I just don't like they're making a step through these checkpoints.

I don't like that they have control and there's no say. But yet, you go through it. Because I have to because you decide that what you're going to do is go through it and just annoy people that's very childish though well it's like a waste of energy it's kind of like the the seat on the airplane well i don't even know with the seat in the airplane yeah leaning back your seat on the airplane when you're like yelling and kicking the back oh there

already does that he needs people's seat if they lean back on him. He gets upset that you lean your seat back. Yeah. You guys still think that? It's ridiculous. Yeah, I think it sucks that they have it so that people will use it. But it sucks that there's like no space.

It sucks that everybody gets no space. There's already no space and you're trusting Delta to decide how much you should be able to lean back. The reality is everybody has a seat and everybody's seat has a button. And if he does that, you can do that too and everybody sort of accepts that. You decide that you don't agree with it. What if the seat went back even further?

Don't say that because it doesn't. What if it went back less far? It doesn't matter. Then you would have nothing to argue about. What are you saying? Here's what I'm saying. That you are trusting Delta or American or United to tell you as a person how much room you can take away from the person behind you. You're not taking away that person's room. Everyone's sharing space already. You're absolutely taking away their room.

You have a chair. You're absolutely taking away their room. And your chair goes like this. And the person behind you has a chair. How is that not taking away the seat of the person behind them? And their chair goes like that also. You've just shared space in a different way. You're not taking away any room.

Making a sandwich. Well, the emergency exit row goes back. Everyone's doing that. Not everybody goes back. Okay. So you know why? Emergency exits, they get that little extra space for their legs. Also, the guy in the back doesn't get back. It's not like you have to move back.

Have you not seen those pictures of somebody slammed up? So that means one person in the emergency exit row, that person doesn't annoy potential Irish affairs. That's why you don't fly. I've seen pictures of Irish. Have you not seen a picture of crumpled up where the guy can't even use his computer because the person in front of him leaned backwards? Yeah, I've seen that. All right, and you know what? That's why you go to –

You wouldn't think that would be a cooler thing to do to not lean back and take away that space? Do you know that if you lean back when that guy is doing that, that you would no longer have that issue? No, that's not it. That's not real. That doesn't make up for it. You're wrong. That doesn't make up for it. That doesn't add the same amount of space to you.

You still can't see. When they're back here, I've already looked at it. So it's purely a laptop issue. Is that what you're saying? Just all sorts of just comfort issue. If you want to look at the screen in front of you and the guy leans back, you're like, ugh. You know what? It's annoying when people lean back in front of you.

Everyone gets annoyed by that. Everyone does. Again, but that doesn't mean you should kick the back of their – make their whole day horrible because Delta – Honestly, Brian, the last time I did it was five years ago. OK. But I do get annoyed every time people do it. Every time people lean back and take away that space, yes, I get annoyed. But I don't kick their chair anymore.

Do you know that that's ridiculous though? That everybody has a seat. Everybody's seat has a button and everybody uses that button and no one ever ever says oh my god i can't believe this person in front of me is reclining their chair what no one ever says that no you didn't see the twitter responses after the last time we talked about this what hundreds of people tagging us both saying yeah that shit pisses up pisses me off when people leave back yeah but they don't say anything. It might suck, but when somebody leans back and I'm on my laptop, I'm like, oh, fuck. Yeah, it's just that's his chair.

If he wants to lean his chair back, I don't always lean my chair back. But as a human, can't you see that you are inflicting some sort of pain on another human and say I'm not going to do this? Jesus Christ, melodramatic fuck. That's all it is. You're inflicting pain on someone by reclining your chair. Yes, you are taking away the small amount of comfort they have on an already too small flight. We've been over this. You've agreed.

No, I haven't agreed ever. It's already too small on this. It's already too small amount of space. Don't say that I agreed on this. We have been over this and you have agreed that it's already too small in the space. It's a small space, period. Yes. Yes, it's almost not enough.

Right. To take some more of that away. You don't see? How can you not see that that would be hard for somebody? Ari, there's a huge difference between how could you not see that it's better if the guy doesn't recline and going, that's his seat. He wants to recline. He wants to recline because he's more comfortable when he's sitting back. I don't mind.

I don't really give a fuck, Ari. It doesn't bother me that much. But I certainly don't think that i should be able to kick his fucking chair that's just five years ago i did it three times ever i'm just saying i get annoyed by that stuff but you got annoyed to the point with the reason why we talked about it in the first place is because i hate it because i hate it i hate it you know they make a device that will stop people from leaning back now you can attach it to their chairs you can attach it to your your tray and so people can no longer lean back it's like a device that will stop people from leaning back now? You can attach it to their chairs. You can attach it to your tray so people can no longer lean back. It's like a brake so that people in front of you can't lean back.

Really? Yeah. They're marketing that. Is it legal? They're marketing that purely because of cunts apparently. It is. It's only because of the cunts. They're marketing and selling a device.

If you buy one of those, you're a cunt. If you buy one of those things, it stops the guy in front of you from reclining his seat. I say you're a cunt. That's a cunty thing to do. Have you seen that picture of that guy like this? Yeah, that's not real, Ari. Do you know that? Do you know that that's like a parody?

That's pretty close. When I see my computer screen closed as they fucking lean back. Shut your computer. Close your eyes. No, come on. You can't say just don fucking shut your computer you also know oh come on you can't say just don't use your computer you also know that there's certain airlines that have more room than others you also know that more there's certain airlines that have more room than others like yes i think it's american or something like that when it leans when you lean back there's room

actually where there's the most room yeah and then there's like delta where it's like you're almost about to die there's no question about it they are giving you too little space yeah no question about it but I don't think that's the fault of someone who's hitting the recline button on the fucking chair yeah it's not his fault they give you too little space so he's doing what he wants to do with his chair I don't have any problem with it. For the sake of leaning back. Yeah. Yeah, no problem. For some people, it makes them more comfortable. Yeah, it's like a blanket of human on you. Especially if the girl's high and you have a girl kind of laying on you.

I don't think that ever happens. I think all of a sudden Brian's in fucking penthouse letters. You're just making shit up, you fuck. What are you doing? Yeah. I can't. I mean, that's what business class is for, too, because you're supposed to have more room because you have a laptop and you're actually doing business. Where most people like myself, I just sleep.

I lay back. I sleep the whole entire flight or something like that. So you're doing business. You're a taller person. You might want to pay the extra $20. I'm watching videos on my computer. It's more than $20. And it's way more than $20.

It depends on the flight. It's not a reason at all. Get yourself an iPad, son. One of those little 7-inch ones. Yeah, look at this. Read that bitch. Look at this cute little baby. Oh, it's a little cute baby.

So easy to use. Look at that. I think you guys both need to do mushrooms soon. Oh, we need to do mushrooms because you're kicking people and yelling people at the airports. Jesus Christ. Do you know how projective that is? We need to do mushrooms. Why do we need to do mushrooms, Ari?

Please explain. Because I don't think you would be that rude to another human if you do them recently. Oh, my God. Ari, I sit in first class. I know. I don't recline on people. And by the way, if I did recline on people, I don't think it would be that big of a deal. First class, you would have plenty of space.

But I pay for that space because I don't like the issues. I do agree that coach tickets suck a fat dick. Their fucking space is too small. So I go out of my way and pay extra money. And I understand that other people can't afford that. Some people go out of their way and don't lean back on people. So most of my life, I did do that. Most of my life, I did fly coach.

And when I fly coach, I would recline if I wanted to. And you said it a thousand times that it's a problem. I just can't believe you would. Jesus fucking Christ. You think that we need to do mushrooms because we don't agree with you and your hyper-aggressive way of kicking people's chairs. I think it's...

That was pre-mushrooms, kicking people's chairs. Absolutely. But I think this is why you need mushrooms, because it helps you find an empathy with other people. I see the empathy. But I also see that you get real aggro about shit that can be avoided. And I think that if someone leans their chair back and I'm sitting in coach and the thing is like this and I can't do it anymore, I will fucking close it and I'll pick up a book or I'll do nothing. I'm not going to get upset at some guy who's just using his chair function. It's not that big of a deal. You saying that I need to do mushrooms

because I don't see the empathy and you going berserk over something you're not going to ever control is ridiculous. The empathy of a TSA agent. Ari, you're screaming at this guy. I don't like their jobs at all. Yeah, well, you're not looking at them as human beings. That definitely is the most aggravated I get in my life, pretty much,

the TSA people. You're being really hypocritical on that. It's really kind of silly that you're not looking at them as human beings. That definitely is the most aggravated I get in my life pretty much, the TSA people. You're being really hypocritical on that. It's really kind of silly that you're saying that we don't have empathy for you getting upset because you can't use your laptop. And these people just have a job that you don't necessarily like. And they're not necessarily being shitty to you at all. I saw the way those people were reacting to you when you were yelling at them. No, no, no. They weren't being shitty to you. It's not the individuals.

I went over this with Brendan Walsh once, and and he was like he made it kind of clear to me he was like they just them saying you have a job is not a reason to do anything obviously you can take it back to holocaust times like i'm just so you went over it with brendan walsh so what we're saying makes no sense now no he just sort of made it clear to me it was i was like well come on man they're just doing their jobs same sort of thing but i just i just sort of became clear brendan walsh is another guy who looks for problems i don. I don't agree. I think that these people are just doing their job. I know, but the idea of someone just doing their job is – It's not that hard.

What? If they were actually being shitty to you, yes. But these guys were not being shitty to you, man. It's not that. It's not that. I think they work for this organization that just is bad for us. We don't like it. Okay.

But while you're there and you are interacting with them you're choosing to make things difficult it's not a difficult experience you're creating a difficult experience out of an experience that's not difficult because you have a problem with the fact they exist yeah but yet you know they exist and yet you know you're going to interact with them so you're choosing to be uncomfortable i get what you're saying and i tried this once i tried uh like the first time i saw it and i looked at what they were and I was like, oh,

they're just people making us go through checkpoints. I thought this over and I was like, is it even worth having a problem with that? Is it even worth getting upset at all about it?

Right. But man, it sort of just bothers me. I know. That they're doing that. That's why you need to do mushrooms, you fuckhead. Yeah,

I will. It's so ridiculous. This is such a ridiculous stance to take because you're a professional comedian. You fly all the time. And it's just an experience. It's not bad. The idea behind it, behind any loss of civil liberties and any loss of privacy, I'm not a fan of any of that shit.

But that's – this is a part of flying. It's not a major issue in my opinion and when i see these aberrations that people like to point out examples of things that tsa has done like someone stole something i absolutely think that can happen i absolutely think that people can fuck up people can hire the wrong person people can sneak through the net and be assholes. But in my experience with the TSA, they're just people. They're just regular people, and this is what they do. Yeah, it's part of the whole organization.

I say hi, and they say hi back. I say, how you doing? Everybody's good, man. How you doing? And it seems like really easy. I see a bunch of people that are just working. And, you know, they're trying to do their job when there's fucking thousands of people going through there every day and it's trying to keep chaos and everything orderly it's got to be really

fucking difficult what do you think everyone's problem is with them they suck they suck it's they're incompetent look i always said that the people that work at the tsa are often the same people that work in the fast food counters they just switch roles you know like the other way you used to work for burger king now you're bomb scanning how that moves up you know they they're just they're just people with jobs man you know i don't want that job i'd wish that job wasn't necessary but it seems to be necessary and someone needs to do it so who the fuck's going to do it well unless they're paying people 50 bucks an hour you're not going to get people that are you know that have a lot of other options so they don't have that many options so who are these

people these are people that are impoverished they options. Yeah, 12 to 15. So they don't have that many options. So who are these people? These are people that are impoverished. They don't live in the best neighborhoods. They don't have a lot of opportunities, whatever it is. And so those are the people that they're trying to get to be professional, and those are the people that are trying to get to represent their company. And, of course, it doesn't run smoothly. Like most human beings, you put them in a bunch of – you put them in a situation,

any situation, and have a group of them that are in control over a massive group of people and you ask them to behave orderly. Good luck with that. Good luck with that. But my point is that when you go to the airport, you know that there are going to be TSA agents. You know the whole procedure. Yeah, that's what I don't like, that there are going to be them. But they are. This idea I've had one of the guys say.

I was like, why do we take our shoes off? And he was like of the guys say, I was like, why do we take our shoes off? And he was like, you got to. I'm like, why do we take our shoes off? I was being mean to him the same way. But his answer at the end was, if you don't like it, don't fly. And I was like, that doesn't seem like a good enough reason. Yeah, but he doesn't represent the company. He's just a dude.

He's just some dude working. You're some dickhead who doesn't want to take your shoes off. He's like, I have to tell you to take your shoes off. That's my job. My job is when you go through here, I have to make sure your shoes don't have bombs on them. Please take your shoes off. Why do I want to take your shoes off. He's like, I have to tell you to take your shoes off. That's my job. My job is when you go through here, I have to make sure your shoes don't have bombs on them. Please take your shoes off. Why do I have to take my shoes off? You're like, oh, God. He's like, because you have to.

Yeah, I can see it from this point of view, too. Yeah, you should be able to see it from this point of view. Your lack of empathy for them is very hypocritical when you want people to be empathetic, but you're not leaning back. Well, yeah. Yeah, obviously. I'm totally, definitely not on exact point for my whole life. It's not – but this is an unnecessary –

Yeah, I've thought about that and I don't know. This is all new stuff for me. I'm trying to figure it out. But I don't like that the fact that TSA is there taking away our civil liberties. And I hate even saying the word civil liberties because it makes it seem like you're a political – If you really worry about civil liberties, the TSA is not what i don't be concerned with you should be focusing your efforts on the national defense that's why i say yeah patriot act you should be focusing your your your but this is the one i said this is the one i come in contact mission from the obama administration that they've

they've protocol to use drones armed drones on u.s civilians they're trying to figure out how how to get away with that like drones with guns like to shoot you out of the fucking sky like that that if you want to worry about civil liberties i'm with you but this is not one in my opinion that needs the kind of attention that you're giving it maybe it's just i'm not you're doing it maybe it's just that i'm not um used to it yet or something well once i've seen it. You're choosing to get upset. You're not being upset because someone is forcing you into a position where you have

to angrily react to stop them from doing it. You're choosing to turn this into an aggressive moment. And it's not necessary. Oh yeah, absolutely. I was choosing to. But it's not necessary. I avoid... It doesn't accomplish anything.

But it's not to accomplish it. but what it is is childish yeah it's not necessary it's childish and it's negative and you you fuck up the day or the at least the experience and depending on how numb those people are yeah yeah that was definitely intent that's definitely intense i understand but you shouldn't it's not necessary i would run into those same people and say, hi, what's up? How you doing? And Brian would run into those same people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, obviously. But we both get to the same goal.

And one of us avoided – or we all – Brian and I avoided any conflict whereas you went through this stressful situation. If I yell at someone, OK, if I get to the point of yelling at someone, it's because I want to kill you. Because you've done something that's either horrible or you're dangerous or you're threatening my health. And I'm in a situation where I'm letting you know I'm yelling too. This shit could get crazy right now. You're not getting crazy at the airport. You're yelling because you know they're not going to yell back.

You're yelling because you know that they're forced to act in this very politically correct and that's bullying because you're you're putting them in a position where they can't react to you the way you're reacting to them you're like oh you're a fucking head idiot of this fucking corrupt organization but they can't talk to you like that well help me through this help me through this okay because aren't they also i'm not trying to be right here but aren't they also putting us in the position of having to fucking – just every single time we go, having to give up a little something, feel a little bad? Well, they're putting you in a position where they have to check your shit, but I don't feel bad. I'm telling you, when I go through it, I don't feel bad. I even put my trays away for them.

I don't have to put my trays away. I could leave them there and I know that they would put them. I try to help them out. That's a nice thing to do. I've gone through after almost every UFC when I go to the airport, I talk to some dude who's a UFC fan who works there. I was always nice too. And we always have conversations. Can you do that fight?

Holy shit, man. That one was crazy. Like what do you think is next for George St. Pierre? You know, I mean obviously that's me and I'm in a different situation. I was always nice to them. But once I saw that it was like this is sort of like too much what they're doing. And once I saw that, then I had a lot more trouble with it. Now I don't know what to do.

You mean the naked scanner? The naked scanner. The naked scanner. Just to stop. But your dick is on HBO. You pulled your cock out on HBO and you're worried about them seeing your dick? You can go look at my dick with your scanner I'm not worried about them laughing at me

It's not that, I'm worried about them taking the control To be able to laugh at me It's just a job, man No, no, no, I'm saying as the group The Transportation Security Administration Them taking that power So it's just because of the naked scanning then? No, no, no, it's just sort of all of it

But you know that they have to look at bags To make sure that people don't have explosives. You know that people are crazy fucks. You know when we were in Vegas, do you know this weekend when we worked at Mandalay Bay? Yeah. Which was, by the way, fucking awesome, wasn't it? Great time. When we worked at that venue, they had to go through metal detectors.

Who did? The people. The people that came to that show. Oh, yeah. Yeah, when you go to Mandalay Bay, you go through metal detectors. It's not because Vegas wants to take away your civil liberties. Yeah. Okay?

It's because they don't want anybody to get hurt. They want to make sure that maybe it's a rap. People don't have knives with them. Maybe it's a fucking Ted Nugent concert. Dudes want to bring their own bows and arrows. You can't. You can't. Vegas will go, hey, hey, hey, what are you doing with arrows?

Oh, man, I don't even know. So you think it's just because of the lines? Humans. Yeah, here's what I think. Large groups of humans. No, no. That makes me madder, I'm saying. Yeah, I think it's very stupid if me and you fly almost every week that we have to wait in the same line as this woman that's never flown ever.

Well, you don't. Well, you don't in a way, but. That TSA pre-shit. You could do that. Not everybody gets in that. Yeah, I'm saying that. You could do that. No, I can't.

Why not? I tried. You can't. No. What do you mean? It's not everybody. Did you try to sign up online? Uh-huh. What'd they say can't no what do you mean it's not everybody did you try to sign up online uh-huh what'd they say they won't accept you declined really it's not everybody

it's not like i'm a flyer i can just get checked wait a minute that's just a few people what no no no almost everybody i know that works for the ufc goes through that what did they decline you on what do you mean when they when you ask for tsa pre so do you mean? When you asked for TSA pre. So what you're saying is you went through the security, the pre-security screening thing online. It's TSA free. Yeah, somebody told me to do it. So you gave in your information and they just decided to decline you. Yeah.

When did this happen? Three months ago. When was I in D.C.? It was at the D.C. airport. Do you have a record in any way? No. I went online to try to do it. It's like, you can't do it.

You can't get it. You can't get it. Yeah, the TSA pre. But did it, like, did you give them your social security number or something? All that stuff. And then they did a background check on you. I guess.

Yeah. You don't really know what they do. It's probably this amazing racist shit. Probably someone saw that and, like, this motherfucker thinks he's funny. And they did a background check on you. I guess. Yeah. Probably there's amazing racist shit. Probably someone saw that and like this motherfucker thinks he's funny. Making fun of Chinese people. So what do you think it is? Why do you think I have the hatred there?

Listen, man. Because you're a smart guy and you see illogical shit. But what I think is that you're not being empathetic and you're creating unnecessary anger. You're creating unnecessary anger. For them. For you, for them, for everybody. For me, it's not so bad. Generally, you were there, so we kept talking about it. But generally, I do it.

I force myself to fuck with them and then I just go back to being high. How much weed intake a day do you smoke? All of it. Like, no, seriously. My new special, Passive Aggressive, is online right now. Go to chill.com slash Ari Shaffir. Get a poster along with it. I just think it's unnecessary. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you're going somewhere … I thought about this too. It's like I'm only riling myself up. Yes. And even the stuff about the NDAA or whatever else that is, it's like do we have the power to stop any of these things? Well, you have to do the power to contact your congressman. You have the power to write letters to senators. You have the power to make petitions online.

You have the power to talk about it on social media. So they understand that people are very upset about these trends and they understand that when voting comes around again, they're not going to vote for people that represent these trends. That's why so many people were excited about Ron Paul. That's why so many people – I think Obama sort of represents the same system. He represented that same thing too. But if he's going to be the one passing it, then it's like fuck. No, he doesn't represent that. He was representing it.

No. He was representing it, I mean. I mean he was like – Before the first term maybe. He was portraying that thing. He was representing someone who would be just and for the people. Well, he said a lot of things that were just not accurate at all like about closing guantanamo bay and about changing the way we do business i think once he got in there he realized he was dealing with a machine

it's way more fucking corrupt what i'm talking about is a guy like ron paul yeah who really absolutely 100 percent said and if you know if you did he say abolish the TSA well he thinks that you should abolish the fucking federal reserve he thinks you should oh yeah he thinks you should get rid of like

a lot of major government organizations he thinks they're ineffective and he thinks they're criminal well you know the fucking

Kennedy wanted to get rid of the CIA but the thing is those things will just keep themselves if they're corporations which they are each like branch

is its own corporation. Yeah. They fight to stay alive. Yeah. The corporation will fight to stay alive. Which is like the DEA. Yeah. It's like an organization.

It's very similar as well. And so they will make themselves necessary. Which is why the DEA keeps busting medical marijuana when it's been proven over and over again that marijuana is just not dangerous. But the reason why they're going in and busting it is because it's written down on paper somewhere. Yeah. And because if they don't do it, then how do they justify the fact that they're going in and busting it because it's written down on paper somewhere and because if they don't do it then how do they justify the fact they have x amount of agents if all of a sudden 50 of their busts if let's just say 50 of all the dea's busts or marijuana busts i don't know if that's true let's say that all of a sudden now there's 50 less work

right i mean it's 50 less agents 50 less offices. Most of the federal government, if you don't need Congress, let's say you don't even need Congress right now. Which is how the whole transition from prohibition to prohibition against marijuana was so seamless. It's just keep the same people in jobs. Within a year and a half, two years, the same people. They just filtered them from one

to the other. Cunts. It's people. And I think the real problem is that we it's an there's an ineffective method of communication that we've been operating under for the longest time and that method is writing things down on paper and then that becomes a frozen doctrine okay that's one issue and then there's the other issue where other people are allowed to come along

and alter that doctrine because they were elected officials, like presidents, and they do executive orders and things along those lines. And it becomes like, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. You are just,

you're making these decisions without consulting the will of the people that are absolutely fundamentally altering the rights and liberties of the people that elected you into a position of power in the first place. You're essentially removing their power once they've given you power. Yeah. That's treason. We don't trust them.

We don't trust them, the people anymore. They're going to fuck straight up. So we'll take the power. We'll be in control for them. According to the founding father. That's treasonous. That's treasonous. It's absolutely everything that's against the concept of being American.

But like anything else, once you've established an organization, it fights to stay alive. And government is fighting to stay alive by making itself more and more complicated and intertwined with our lives. Because the reality is when we have more access to each other the way we have now with the internet you know the way we have now with podcasting we have an ability to explain things and communicate with people in a way that's never existed before so you don't rely on daddy anymore as much you don't rely on daddy government to let you know what the news are daddy government doesn't have to tell you what the news is. Daddy government. You can go on Twitter and you find out what's going on.

You know why we had Congress? The reason we had Congress is because if you live in Tennessee, you can't go to Washington and make your voice heard. So we'd all get together, all us Tennesseans, and say, hey, Bob, you go. You be our congressman. Right. You know why they did it? Why? Because people had horses. Yeah.

But now we have email. Now we have email. So we don't even need that job. you be our congressman right you know why they did it why because people had horses yeah but now email now we have email so we don't even need we don't need that job the reason we have that job u.s congressman yeah is no longer necessary but they won't let their job go away i don't think that's necessarily the case i think somebody evolves and believes in you know the constitution and you know they can be effective as a politician i don't think it's necessary to get rid of congress but i think that like everything else it's like it's really hard to find really good people that can think and that are smart and motivated and are doing it for the right reasons like why do most people want to be senators why do most people want to be congressmen why do most people want to be mayors are they really looking out for themselves

are they looking out for the people are they really these amazing humanitarians that are just trying to elevate their community i say very few are i say a lot of them are just people like the tsa doing a job yeah because when we were kids we looked at all the politicians like these these like uber noble people because they're looking out for a few are it's almost like ideally it is but really it's just some guy we would like though like in a movie the president is always like super noble yeah you know we would love that goes down with the ship yeah we would love that but we all know it's really hard to find super noble people period you know why do we keep i mean i try to be the nicest sort of become disillusioned but But I'm not a super noble person.

I mean I guess I might be if you compare me to a lot of douchebags. But I'm a guy who regularly breaks marijuana laws federally. He doesn't. I don't anymore. I just quit. I quit a couple of days ago. Congratulations. But you know what I mean?

I mean i occasionally will drive above the speed limit i but i don't i mean i call people cunts on an internet show i don't think i do anything necessarily bad but i wouldn't want i wouldn't but what i'm saying is i wouldn't want me yeah as a fucking president you. It's like to get a person to a position where you think they would be the right person. You want a Yoda. You'd hook up your friends. Yeah.

No, you want a wise master. And we're not- Just in it for good. We're not dealing with wise masters. We're not dealing with people that have spent their time doing yoga and meditating and contemplating the best possible potential future of our culture.

We're dealing with idiots. I mean, look, Mitt Romney almost got into fucking office. A guy in a cult, an active guy in a cult who made a career out of fucking over corporations and fucking over people and essentially hijacking a system and making millions and millions of dollars. He's a total twat bag. And he was 43% president. He was almost there. I think it was more than 43.

47? 47%? It was pretty close. Close enough so it's shocking as fuck. I mean, when I drove from San Francisco. A known Mormon. I drove from L.A. to San Francisco during the whole election thing. It was like right when it was going down.

Oh, my God. It was a wreck on a railroad track. Everywhere you looked, there were these fucking Mitt Romney posters. When you get to farmland, all those dumb fucks. There's this funny thing about those farmer folks. Like not saying that all farmers are dumb fucks, but a lot of them are dumb fucks. And a lot of them, like they just – oh, they go straight conservative, right away conservative, like automatic knee-jerk conservatism, like the perfect kind of like Dumbo conservatism where they're just dumb, just dummies. They're not doing it because they thought things through.

They're doing it because, oh, these fucking hippies. And that was everywhere you go. There's just giant Mitt Romney posters. So I'm like, what you're saying is you're looking at a guy who's in an organization that was created by a con man who was 14 years old who created a fake religion that's based on 100% bullshit. Religion is tough because people are born with it. So they're like, they can't fight it anymore. Well, he wasn't just born with it. Yeah, what? He was born with it from a fucking dad

who lived in Mexico. His dad was born in Mexico. Mormon Mexicans? Yes. Do you know about all that? I didn't know they went there. Oh, dude. He's not just a regular Mormon.

You don't understand who Mitt Romney is. Mitt Romney was a part of a Mormon sect that left America because they wanted to fuck multiple wives. Yeah. So they moved to Mexico. It was in the 1800s. We did it away with it.

Yeah. So the Romney family still has a massive fucking ranch in Mexico. Wow. Yeah. And there's not just one Mormon family down there. There's a bunch. Was that that ranch that was called the Enbaum? Who had that ranch? It was called the N-Bomb? Who had that ranch?

It was called the... Did you say N-Bomb? You just said N-Bomb? I don't know. I figured there's been enough controversy on the podcast. He's backing off. He's so passively aggressive. I don't think... I don't know if it's them. I don't think it is. But there's more than one gigantic Mormon

family down there. And in fact, they've had shootouts with the cartels. Really? Yeah, because they don't want the cartels around. The cartels have kidnapped them and killed some of them. And they're armed to the fucking teeth down there. It's crazy. Like when they moved there in the 1800s,

there was really virtually very little difference between America and Mexico. I mean, there was differences. You could just ride across. Yeah, but it wasn't enough to warrant staying in America and having one wife. They're like, what? I'll just go there. Are you fucking crazy?

You get all the same TV shows they do, which is none. But if you have like nine wives, you got to cut your eight wives loose. You're like, I got to pick one of you bitches. And you know if you pick one, you're like, god damn, I picked the wrong one. Fuck. You know? He'd always have regrets. A year in, she's like, I don't want to blow you anymore what oh but margaret and you start sending

pigeon letters to those eight women that you cut loose because back then you know you couldn't even fucking call them and say oh oh you don't oh yeah let me make a phone call real quick let me see if yeah you can even make a dial jessica's still alive yeah you could get those little you could send morse code they have that they had um teletype or what was that telegraph yeah telegraph they had um morse code was that's like military though but when they they would send messages remember like those old west movies they're like we'll get the wires coming-de-de. The wire's coming in. De-de-de-de-de-de. Like someone could send a message. Yeah, I don't know why I got so mad at TSA.

It's illogical. You just need to think it through instead of just reacting. Just like there was something distasteful to it when I saw it that day. It was just distasteful. Well, it certainly can be. And if you run into someone who really is being a cunt, that's just a human issue. If you run into some guy – I mean I've seen that's just a human issue if you run into some guy i mean i've seen there was one time i saw this dude oh i know they were uh they were um

telling this lady that she had to get out of her wheelchair yeah and uh she had to go through a scanner and this lady was really busted up she was really old and busted up and uh it was sad i was like come on man this is ridiculous you should be able to wheel that wheelchair in scan it make sure there's nothing in and that lady should be able to stay in her fucking wheelchair yeah 90 fucking years old i know what it was now about the liquids that they can have a bit slower process and so they can have people elect to go through there so they can take their perfume whatever their snow globes whatever they bought they can go there but it would be slower and it would take more work for them to institute that line. So they said no. Well, yeah, that sounds like a pain in the dick.

I don't want to wait my flight to be delayed because you've got some Chanel No. 5 that Brad Pitt's pushing. Well, they won't delay a flight for you. I know that. That sounds annoying. Yeah, that sounds like it would slow the process down. Yeah, you would have to be like one line to the side. No, like this. You could go there voluntarily.

The real problem is there is going to be guys who want to blow up planes. And I don't want them to be able to go on with fucking a big flask of explosives strapped to their back that no one saw when they were going through the radar detector. I wonder when planes became the most important thing. Well, they thought about blowing up planes. The United States was using that in Operation Northwoods as part of a false flag event. They were going to blow up planes and they were going to blame it on the Cubans. It's one of the things that people are scared of the most. They're scared of plane flight.

They're scared of crashing. So one of the best ways to instill terror in people is to add the fear of death which everybody already has and then add it to a fear of flying so that's why they don't go out to like a like a super bowl or something like that why hasn't that happened think about that think about i mean if you really had like a nuke bomb or something like that you really had something that you really want to scare the fuck out of people and you know there's going to be 80 000 people in this town. And they're all going to come down to watch this one game.

Why wouldn't you drop it on them? I think I started doing metal detectors for malls. They probably should. Yeah. So every time somebody walks in, you should have something. They do it at movie theaters. They do it at movie theaters? A lot of movie theaters now.

They should do that too. In the bad neighborhoods. And I'm not saying that people who have been approved for concealed carry permits and you know security specialists and the like shouldn't be allowed to carry i think they should be allowed to carry i don't have a problem with people having guns i have a problem with crazy people with people unlicensed people yeah i have a problem show your license i think we have a real issue with people not reporting and dealing with people who have like serious mental issues too like almost every one of these people that have done something really fucked up, a lot of people saw it coming. Almost everyone.

I saw a guy on the street that looked like newly homeless. Some old man that looked like, oh, you just stopped taking your meds. He saw the suit on, but it was dingy, but not too dingy. That's scary. And just like trudging along. Well, there are folks who they need something to keep them straight. And when they're off that something, their reality becomes really distorted. Especially when they're taking it and then they stop taking it because there's a withdrawal where your brain doesn't know what the fuck is going on.

And reality can get really slippery. They said that 90% of school shootings came from people who were either on SSRIs or were off them and were suffering from withdrawal from them. Yeah. You know, that's a problem. Say that again. Say this, that again. 90% of all school shootings, 90%, either came from someone who was on antidepressants or was suffering through withdrawals from stopping taking them recently those columbine kids they were on them yeah phil hartman's wife was on phil hartman's wife was on zoloft and cocaine

i wonder if i'm on an ssri or the other one i don't know you should probably find out maybe that's making you wacky yeah it could be man you've been brodying i've been brooding no it's just the tsa it's the only time i get well Well, that was – like Brian and I had a conversation on that. Brian and I had a conversation about it and Brian was like concerned about you. And I said he was great with people like all weekend. He was like super friendly and easy to get along with. It's not like you had like – like all of a sudden you were an angry person. Yeah, I'm not mad in general.

Well, I've never seen that before because I was like, wait, I've been through the security. No, it's a conscious decision. It wasn't like a reaction to it. It was like let me make a decision here. You got to get off that one, man reaction like let me make a decision you gotta get off that one man then maybe i should yeah you should get off that one it's not good do you see that korean ufo footage that looks real that's the one of the first check check this out put it up let's see it here this is so real look that's not even korean that's they're noise right now. Imagine if we found that out. Look, right here.

Watch. All right. Wow. You son of a bitch. I knew it was going to be something, not a UFO. I just didn't know what it was. I thought it was going to be super fake or something. I did not want to watch that.

Don't make me flip over the median. Don't do that. Don't do that ever again, okay? For real. Isn't that scary? It was scary, but I don't want you doing that ever again. I don't like to watch that. Don't make me flip over. Don't do that. Don't do that ever again. Okay? For real. Isn't that scary? It was scary, but I don't want you doing that ever again. I don't like that. Doing what?

I think that shit's stupid. Yeah. Faking me and making me watch horrific things where I know somebody died. There's a UFO footage. I don't want to watch that, Brian. That's not a UFO. I definitely knew it was not going to be a UFO. Don't do that.

I've been around Brian long enough to know that. Look, man. There's certain people don't want to watch a certain amount of things. There's certain shit that is unpleasant, and that's one of those things that's really unpleasant. You just watch somebody die. That scared the fuck out of me. Yeah. I've seen a bunch of those.

They're terrifying. And you know what? If you looked at that and you said, oh, man, just driving. We should stop driving. You're not going to stop driving. You're going to keep driving. It's an unfortunate aberration that happens once every X amount of passages of vehicles. There's going to be fuck-ups.

And more so now than ever because people are fucking texting. There's a Sprint app apparently that keeps you from texting while your car is in motion. I don't know what it is. I think it's awesome. It seems like it's a good idea. It's a fucking great idea. Why is it not on there? When you get in your car, your car is Bluetooth.. I don't know what it is. I think it's awesome. It seems like it's a good idea. It's a fucking great idea. When you get in your car, your car is Bluetooth. If you get in your car, I think on modern

cars, your car is Bluetooth. It should recognize that you're in a car and it should kill your fucking texting. That should be mandatory. A passenger can suck his dick. Who cares? It's not worth it. It's not worth it. It's just not worth it. People are too crazy.

I saw a guy driving on the fucking 405 with no hands. He was texting. Oh, yeah. Texting with both hands while he was flying down the 405. And we were watching him. Almost everyone does it. That's what the studies have shown. Not me.

That almost everyone does it. And almost everyone who does it looks down on people who do it. When they see somebody. That's crazy. Yeah. But almost everyone does it, and almost everyone who does it looks down on people who do it. When they see somebody – That's crazy. Yeah. I might look at something at a red light and type something out before the light turns green real quick. But I do this. Every time the light turns green, I throw it on my imposter seat.

Every time. Yeah. It's not worth it. It's not. There's not – I can make phone calls with the little button thing on my phone. It's great. I press a button on my console. I don't have calls with the little button thing on my phone. It's great. I press a button on my console and I don't have to take my eyes off of anything.

I can press this. I can press this button on my steering wheel that has a little phone icon. I press it and I say, call Ari Shaffir. Yeah, iPhones do that. No, on my steering wheel. So I don't have to do shit. So as I'm driving, I press the steering wheel. I go, call Ari Shaffir. It just calls you. So I don't have to do shit so as I'm driving I press the steering wheel call Ari Shafir

it just calls you so I don't take my eyes off I don't have to look at my phone I don't have to press that button if you have the earphones in you just have to touch the thing yeah that's cool too you can also text people that way yeah you can

text Jason Tebow text Ralphs no don't text Ralphs Text Jason Tebow. Text Ralphs. No, don't text Ralphs. Text Jason Tebow. Text mom. Yeah, sometimes they're ridiculously off. Text Thibault. You know what my favorite thing is?

What? The Shazam app. The ability to listen to music and tell you what the song is. That's incredible. I mean, that seems like it's impossible. I use it all the time. It seems impossible. Have you heard Sex With Your Friends yet?

What's that? Jamie was telling me. Oh, yeah. It's a plug-in that you put on your Facebook and you go through your friends list and you go, I would fuck you. Oh, I would not fuck you. Like, you just go through, like,

if you would have sex with somebody. And then they put the plug-in on their Facebook and they can go through and see all the guys that would fuck her. So it's a way to go, hey, I would fuck you. Isn't it also like a friends with benefits thing? Like the idea is that... You need to find somebody that you have in common. The idea is that you're not trying to get a relationship.

You're just trying to hook up. Like who wants to hook up? Yeah, who wants to hook up? And no one else can see it. But the people that agree. What if someone's trolling you then we'll find out almost every time i bring a girl back to wherever i'm going there's this thought like is this a troll are you about to be like i loser you thought i'd sleep with you

almost every time you have like a little insecurity oh yeah deep down oh yeah isn't it the greatest thing though when a girl's really into it, though? You meet someone, you're fucking getting along, you're great. You're at dinner having a laugh. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. And you get back to your place and like, holy shit, it's going to happen. The first time it ever happens, the first time you're making out and you're, she grabs your cock and you're like, oh, my God, she's into it.

Isn't that wonderful wonderful that's one of the greatest things about being alive yeah it's a pretty magical feeling you're right as good as it gets it's the problem you know people say well why would people like lose their you know leave their wife of 30 years and you know new fresh gets strange that fucking pull is strong. Jupiter's got a hell of a gravity, but it can't fuck with pussy. The pull that Jupiter has ain't shit compared to pussy. Pussy will make you derail your whole life. Pussy made the president stick his cock into a fat girl's mouth. A little girl just hoping she'll keep it shit.

I was talking to this with a buddy of mine that he thought about some friend of about some friend of his some chick friend of his and he goes no we definitely should not fuck that's a good friend of mine for a long time and then he's like you're there and you see you have a chance and you're like oh maybe this time i'll go for it he had to trust his sober self yeah the non-drunk with pussy self i'm like no you've already thought about this you're not in your right mind right now that That drunk dude is not listening. That drunk fuck, that part of you. Once you have the pussy inside your head, it's tough to do anything. Once it's there, this could really happen.

And it's also like genetically you're wired to not just pursue but to achieve copulation. It's like it's the goal it's the goal that your dna is crying you don't your dna is like that's a girl that's a girl it's a girl it's a girl she's right there and react to it she's hugging you and she says she seems to have tits uh there's an ass oh my god let's get in there and then the next thing you know you're like i can't believe i'm doing this oh my goodness it's just um we're so restrictive in our culture and the way we look at it. It was really fascinating having that guy, Christopher Ryan, on the podcast. The guy who wrote Sex at Dawn.

We talked about our ideas of sexuality. A lot of them are confusing because our idea of promiscuous. We look at people that are in non-monogamous relationships as of promiscuous like we look at like um people that are in non-monogamous relationships as being promiscuous yeah so like if you you think of promiscuous you think of like especially with girls you think of someone who goes out and fucks a lot of guys and has like shallow relationships that's not the original meaning of promiscuous the the original meaning is based on lat or whatever the word for mixed and the idea was that people in small tribes of like 50 people would

have sexual relationships with more than one person but they knew these people very well their whole life they knew these people so it wasn't that they were just having random sex with strangers because no one ever does that in those tribes you don't meet someone in another tribe and because they might kill you and eat you you know because if you ran into another tribe and they weren't your people they could be the enemy i mean they're not going to treat you the way you would go to finland today hop on a plane land and like you know get your shit and go to an airport and nobody knows you you You're not from there. But they're like, hello, may I help you? And you're like, yeah, how are you doing?

They would just beat the fuck out of you and kill you. Like when people would run into people that they didn't know, they automatically assumed these people were up to no good. So there was very little promiscuity in that sense in early man. How many school shooters have there been? There's been quite a few. And by the way, they go way back to like the 1930s. Really? Yeah, they go back even before that i believe uh okay let's find out we should know earliest school

shooting wow yeah the government has been using school shootings for reasons for since the 1930s the first school shooting was in canada what wait a minute no hold on a second oh my god older than america took place in 1764 what some dude just shot some like a kid or a teacher or something uh someone shot a pennsylvania teacher in front of the class yeah 1764 so this was before america was like officially i somehow don't count that as a school shooting. Well, the first assassination in school. I mean, that's just the first one they're counting. When the kids start getting killed is more what I'm thinking about. Yeah, well, that was Columbine, I think.

That was the first one? Wasn't it? No, because wasn't the – some sniper? Oh, the tower? Dayton, Ohio. No, no, no. Was it Kent? Kent, Ohio. No, Kent State was the National Guard

that was the actual the government was shooting protesters yeah there's been a lot man Columbia South Carolina a boy armed with a gun killed one of his schoolmates and severely wounded several others

presumably firing upon them in retaliation for bullying he expressed no armed with a gun, killed one of his schoolmates, and severely wounded several others, presumably firing upon them in retaliation for bullying. He expressed no regret for his deed. This was 1890. Wow. All right, well, that counts. That's exactly what we're talking about. Yeah, 1890.

That kid was not on SSRIs, right? No. You know what, man? Bullying makes you depressed as fuck, though. There's no way out from under it plus your experience is so limited as a young child that you think this is what my life is going to be like forever it's horrific and the people who are doing it they get caught up in a pattern of doing it and you know it's they they need to be checked as well yeah in 1891 a 70 year old man fired a shotgun at students in a school playground in Newburgh, New York.

In 1946, a 15-year-old student was shot in the basement of a Brooklyn school by seven thugs. School shootings are not a new phenomenon. Yeah, they've been doing that. So how do they have 90% of people on SSRIs? When do they come in, SSRIs? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Let's look that up. School shootings and SSRIs.

Let's look that up. Did you know that Canada – They said 90%. Maybe that accounts for 90%. Maybe as soon as the SSRIs kicked in. Canada just released new money and they – They melt in the sun. No, no.

But the paper – or the – what is it? The maple leaf is their national whatever. I don't know. Leaf. Yeah, no. But the paper – or the – what is it? The maple leaf? Is there a national whatever? I don't know. Leaf. Yeah. And they've got the wrong leaf. They printed the wrong leaf on them.

No way. Oh, they put a marijuana leaf on them? No. It's like a – That would be great. It's like something crazy like Norwegian. The wrong exact type. Yeah.

Yeah. They just took a picture. Oh, maple leaf. There's also an argument with the SSRIs that it's not the cause and that it's just a symptom of the fact these people were depressed in the first place. They're depressed and willing to do that sort of thing. And there's so many doctors that are willing to prescribe you these things and not necessarily caused by SSRIs. That is an argument.

The only problem with that argument is that one of the very effects of antidepressants is the fact that you can just deal with shit easier. It makes things easier to deal with. It lessens their impact on you. It makes them feel less real. So it makes you more lessens their impact on you, makes them feel less real. So it makes you more likely to be able to... It makes you feel less real. It's fucking blasting people. Over 66 school shootings involved SSRI drugs.

66 school shootings? That's a lot. Yeah. It's pretty scary shit, man. Yeah. You know, the real thing is, what's really scary is the amount of people that are medicated in this country and the lack of information we have about the long-term effects of some of this medication. Because no one has been on antidepressants for 80 years.

No one's been on them their whole life. No one even knows if you can do that. If you've got 80 years, start seeing symptoms. Yeah. That's not bad. I guess. I don't think anybody's really doing it, though. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. I mean, how long have they been around? Definitely 80s. Yeah. I don't know about before that. 8.0 earthquake in Indonesia right now. There's a huge tsunami. Really?

Oh, God. Hey, if you're stuck in Indonesia, get my special passive aggressive. Yeah. Before the power goes out before the power goes out use use the solar power to download download it for just 4.99 right now yeah i'm looking at these uh these shootings yeah the uh it's it's pretty scary when you you go over all the different ones the real the what's going on no no no doubt about it is that there's too many fucking people.

No doubt about that. So you're going to have anomalies over more of them. We've lost our value. There's so many of us that we've lost our value. We've lost our uniqueness. We've lost our value. We're not worth as much. And people get stuck into a school system and someone's not paying attention

and someone allows that person to get victimized and become a horrific monster because they're they're they get bullied and they get fucked with that is the case a lot of the time man that is the case a lot of the fucking time and that's someone who doesn't feel like they have any value and they want to unleash that that that feeling of lack of value on other people and they want to unleash that feeling of lack of value on other people. And they want to do something horrible because they feel terrible themselves. We have to figure out a way to – even though we are in a community of 300 million people, we have to reinstall the ideas of community, of being nice to each other. That's why I want those people to be captured alive. I want to be able to talk to them and say, the shooters, school shooters.

Oh. And be like, what's going through your head beforehand? This last guy was. What type of? Was he really? Was he? At Newtown? Which last shooter was captured?

No, Newtown, he's dead. Oh, the Colorado guy is alive. Columbine? No, Colorado. The movie theater guy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, the movie theater guy's alive. Oh, yeah.

What's he saying? I don't know. The school shooter in Connecticut's dead, though, right? yeah. Yeah, the movie theater guy's alive. Oh, yeah. What's he saying? I don't know. The school shooter in Connecticut's dead, though, right? Yeah. Did he kill himself? I think he killed himself. The Colorado kids tried to kill himself a few times. The Colorado kids tried to kill himself while in the jail,

but is the Newtown kid, did they kill him? I think he might have killed himself, but I don't know. Should we look that up? Because there was something I remember recently of like, why do all these people kill themselves right after they do it? Yeah, well, they say that once they get engaged by someone who isn't gone. Yeah, they'll kill themselves. They just want to inflict damage or something?

That's weird. Yeah, I don't know, man. I don't know. I don't know if this guy's alive or not. I don't know if he's dead. I think he's gone. We would have heard about him, right? I don't know, man. I don't know. I don't know if this guy's alive or not. I don't know if he's dead. I think he's gone. We would have heard about him, right? I don't know.

Newtown shooter. I wrote Newtown shooter dead. And nothing came up? No. Newtown shooter is a cause of death. I bet they'll say gunshot wound, self-inflicted. Yeah, cause of death. To the temple.

Hmm. What, Brian? Nothing. Did you have fun, Brian? Nothing. Did you have fun in Vegas? No. You went hard. Yeah. Okay, his name is Adam Lanza, right?

Adam Lanza. Yeah, you went hard. Yeah. Yeah, he went way hard this weekend. Your last drink? Brian peed on his own pillow. Oh, yeah. Did you already talk about that?

Well, I kind of touched on it yesterday. What I don't understand is why it was wet and I still laid on it for a good hour. Like, I woke up like, why is this wet? Dude, I woke up in the La Jolla condo once and there was barf on the sheets right next to me. And I was so sure that someone had done that from the week before. I just hadn't seen it when I went to sleep. i called i was like who was in the fucking condo and they were like whitney and i was like whitney did you barf in the bed she goes no i didn't even

actually stay there i think kt stayed there i just went home i was like kt did you barf in the bed he goes no what do you mean i really didn't even drink or anything and i was like motherfucker i barfed in the bed he didn't know oh my god damn it's dangerous i know, that's dangerous. I know, I know. You could have died in your sleep. Absolutely. This guy killed himself. He did. Yeah, the Newtown, as soon as the first responders arrived, he blew his brains out. Man, I'd like to hear his, like...

The guy in Colorado didn't, though. That guy's alive still. He's supposed to be batshit crazy. Not even, like, have any sort of semblance of, like... Well, I believe he was medicated, and who knows what he's on now. Well, I believe he was medicated and who knows what he's on now. And then the experience of being in isolated solitary confinement like that for long periods of time. There's something that really breaks in a person's brain when they remove them from human interaction.

Yeah, it's fucking really dangerous. They say that solitary confinement is one of the worst tortures you can give somebody. Yeah, that Bradley Manning kid. He's kind of fucked because of that. He's not going to ever recover. Probably not. He's probably broken. Are they going to execute him? Are they going to put him in jail for life?

I bet they would like to just disappear. Make him disappear. But too many people are aware of him. There's all these campaigns and all over online, Twitter followers and twitter accounts dedicated if he dies now they'll be like no way did he die well he's going through some sort of illegal process right now yeah you know like try me already yeah and i think they're they're they're actually responding to the idea that maybe what they did to him was cruel and inhuman.

Payback. Yeah. It's kind of fucking crazy because all the guy did was let everybody know that the government did some really shady shit. Yeah. And this guy is being treated like he's a mass murderer. People who have killed people get better treatment than this guy. People who have murdered people with their bare hands get better treatment than this guy who thought who have murdered people with their bare hands get better treatment than this guy

who thought he was being a patriot. And the real issue that people have to come to grips with is part of the idea of liberty is that you're defending yourself against enemies, both foreign and domestic. Which means what? You've got to look at corruption as being domestic enemies. I mean, it is.

If it's secretive and you can hide the information from the public, but if the public saw that information, they would be aghast and horrified. Well, that information is stopping them from evaluating the actual landscape, the actual landscape that they're playing on, the actual rules of the game, the actual board in front of them, because they don't really see that. And by removing the information that's involved in war,

by removing the bodies, the real video footage, then you remove access to more of the truth that would help people decide whether or not they support that or not support that. Yeah. That in just by itself. That lack of information, that withholding of information is –

Yeah, it's their decision saying the public doesn't need this security issue. And it's contrary to the ideas of freedom, the ideas of – Yeah, you're right. It is. Yeah, the idea that – also the idea that if we're informed and then we could debate on this, we could decide what we all want. Instead, we're being led. And one of the ways they're leading us is by withholding information. Yeah. But they also at the same time, they can't like covert operations people let stuff out.

But that's why WikiLeaks didn't do any of that. WikiLeaks responded the way real journalism is supposed to work. They didn't release anybody's name who had already been compromised they didn't put anybody's life in jeopardy what they did was they released video footage that showed a fucking uh apache helicopter shooting down whatever the fuck those rounds were just ripping people apart that turned out to be reporters the fact that they won't let you oh these reporters yeah the fact they won't let you show um bodies coming home yeah they felt like yeah that was during the bush administration they stopped that photographing coffins because they want morale up it's like because life

magazine could show the the the actual magnitude of those coffins and you would freak the fuck out if we should then we should be allowed to freak the fuck out uh-huh yeah but that would make you squeamish about the war. Yeah. Listen, we've already started this. We've got to get things done. The best way to get things done is to keep the American public. The best way to get things done is to have no one die.

Yeah, but that's not going to happen because nobody wants to just give up their oil, son. Yeah, so then we have to see the price we're paying. Those things bother your ears when you have them on for a long time. Yeah. They're a little tight. You wear them for a long time. You might have little tight and you wear them for a long time. You might have to switch to something a little more light and comfortable. They're great headphones.

It seems like after about two hours, I start getting my ears feel like they're fast. I have glasses too. Maybe we should put them on and do a podcast until our ears bother us. That would be the way we stop podcasts. That's a good idea. I just feel like this podcast was so negative in the beginning. I know. Let's talk about poop.

All right. That's not interesting. Let's talk about poop. Let's talk about my special. Can we talk about that for a minute? Sure. Well, the fact that we're all, and you are too, doing these self-release specials. Yeah.

What do you think of all that? It's beautiful. I mean, obviously, I'm a big fan of releasing content on the internet yeah this this whole podcast has changed all of our lives you know not just my life it's changed joey's life duncan's life your life yeah burt's life brian's life everybody's life it's just it's a new thing and the ability to release things online like that is it's amazing yeah i don't think um there's a better better way to get something directly to your fans. Yeah.

The only issue is I think that something like Comedy Central is awesome for getting you new fans. Getting the word out, yeah. Yeah, like you put a special out, but I think you could probably wind up selling your content to Comedy Central as well. Yeah, I think that's the idea. You do it yourself and then you sell it to your fans and six eight months later a year later then you put it on our network and say okay anybody new wants to check this out yeah by all means yeah and but the real

thing is that you should own it and you right that's why you own it you decide what gets done with it and if you want to cut it up to all hell and say we're gonna air it this way you can be like nah yeah no don't do that yeah and you. And you can always have it available in its full unadulterated form on your website. And if some fan wants to get it six years from now, they can just get it instead of having to wait for a network to air it again. Yeah, and I love that it's only $5. $5 is perfect. You get a couple different downloads. You get to stream it.

It's half the price of a movie. Yeah, super easy. it it's half the price of a movie yeah super easy and and it's good and the the thing about um these things is too i'm starting to treat it like uh like an art project and i get excited building you get excited about building a new one i get excited about new subjects and new bits and putting things together and i'm excited about taking this you know hour i'm doing right now and tightening it up to perfect form. I'm going to release this new bitch in July, I think. That's when you're going to tape something?

Yeah, I think so. I think that's like 15 months. The great way about this too is that you can do it on your own schedule so you don't have to be like, I get some networks today instead of saying now. I mean, after your first special did so great on Comedy Central. Yeah. You wanted to do one like a year and a half later. Yeah, they didn't want me doing one a year later.

Yeah. They wanted to wait. They wanted to wait three years. And you were like, but I'm ready. Yeah. And you don't have to wait on anybody else's schedule. Well, I think I understand it from their point of view. They only have so many hours in a week.

And why should they put out another one of my specials? Even if it's good, why are they doing that? Maybe if i had one of their shows like if i was on a comedy central show and they were it would help you know cross promote yeah but i don't so it doesn't really help them yeah you have this other dissemination vehicle that would be cool too i'll do a couple of these on my own and then a year later i'll go to comedy central and say hey you know you guys want to do another one? And then maybe I could do one there, and then I'll do it both ways. Do yours on your own, too, and then give it to them later.

Yeah, or do it on my own and sell it to them. HBO or wherever. Everybody wants content. It's a beautiful thing to be able to put out shit online like that. Look at you. You wore a nice shirt and everything. It's a button-down. It's a nice version of me.

Don't play any of his material, man. You'll ruin it for everyone. It's a button down. It's a nice version of me. Don't play any of his material, man. You'll ruin it for everyone. It's just the trailer. The best thing about it, and I don't know how much you did stuff on TV before, but nobody tells you what to say. Oh, yeah. I love that. Well, you know what? That happened to me with Talking Monkeys in Space, too.

Really? Yeah, because I was under the Zufa umbrella. And so they told you? I did it all through the UFC. We and so they told you i did it all through the ufc we produced it so you were allowed to do whatever you want yeah because it was on spike it was on spike tv and you know back when the ufc was dominating spike tv they were spike yeah i mean spike was like they were like our good friends and you know it was really easy to do a special with them they they had already seen me

do stand up a hundred times because when we would do these shows like spike guys would come to the fights yeah so it was um it was super easy yeah that's cool yeah i was stoked about it yeah it was uh it was really easy to do that so the the Spike thing, we also did it like aired after a UFC. So that was awesome. Oh, yeah. So it followed. Yeah, it followed. It was like the perfect follow.

Yeah, it was massive. Good idea. Like that show with that weigh-ins. Yeah, it was like 1.7 million people watched or something. Wow. Yeah. Did you see a bump in turnout like after that? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, definitely. Because a bunch of new people found out you were coming. Yeah, because, I mean, a lot of people just didn't even know if i was any good you know it's like like there's we've seen a lot of people that are on tv that do stand-up and then you go see them and you're like oh this is like clunky shitty stand-up yeah you know that i've been doing stand-up for that long you know a lot of people like i was like i could have been a beginner like they weren't sure but i was lucky that i was you know i'd been doing it for long enough that it would actually make sense to go see and pay money for it. If Jeff Probst was a comic, you'd be like, what's this going to be like?

Well, maybe. But then you go see him. The reason why I'm awkward with my words here is I'm trying to dance around the exposing. I'm trying to dance around the exposing yeah yeah trying to be nice but when i think as a stand-up comic you need like 10 years you need 10 years until you're really a comic it takes at least that long or close to it there's a range i'm sure some people are sick some people are 15 but that's the average i could see that to be able to put out like an hour special really 10 years is probably pretty smart. It's probably a good amount of time to get your shit together.

First thing you tell me this early on, you're like, I don't do shit for my first three years. All I do is Arnold. That's the only thing that still lasted. Just a quick saver joke. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But the rest is all gone. So it's like you're just learning ability. Yeah, you're learning how to get laughs.

Hold the mic. So you're really important for young guys i always tell people like those clunky jokes that you know everybody has an act where um i mean i don't know not everybody but a lot of comics they have an act where they have this like a couple killer bits and they have a few bits that are just left over from the old days i'm like you got to get rid of those those are no good they're dangerous they're dangerous because like when you you have a really shitty joke, that shitty joke is an echo of your lack of proficiency in the early parts of your career.

And you're sort of repeating that echo. Why do you still have this? You got to abandon that. You got to abandon that and sort of fill in that time with your new perceptions. Fill in that time with your new. So if you have some old shit that's still stuck in there because it's like a tool that you're used to using. That's why I like this special year, year and a half.

It's almost like, hey, this is what I'm going through in 2012. That's passive-aggressive. That's what was happening in my life in 2012. How much did it force you to actually sit down and write things? Because I know you actually got an office. Yeah. Well, I use the office a lot. I use it sometimes.

And I start going on the road a lot, and I just couldn't use it as much. Right. Back for two days or whatever, and I wouldn't go over there. So you stopped using it? Yeah, but what it made me really do is be real cognizant of not wasting a comedy store set. Right. Not just like, oh, I'll just run some lines I've already done before. It's like work on something.

Right. What are you doing here? Because you've got to build five minutes this month. You've got to have five minutes this month. So where are you going? Yeah. Yeah. So I kept that marker in line. Because you can get so complacent so easily.

Like, I'm doing fine. I'm doing fine. And then all of a sudden, three years pass, and you're still doing the same material. Yeah. Easily. Because a month and two months, then years. And then there you are. Yeah, when you force yourself to.

And George Carlin, I mean, everybody really owes it to him. He was the only guy that ever was doing that. He was doing it every year. That's amazing. It's amazing. But why not? Why not go through it? Picard's White is blue, period.

It's like you'll see the development of a person as a human through their material. like you'll see the development of a person as a human through their material well what you got to realize at a certain point in time is that you are the only person who can put out ari shafir material so if someone's an ari shafir fan you're the only way that they can get that experience if they enjoy watching you and they they go oh i saw ari shaf, and the way he made me feel, boy, I became a fan. When you become a fan of somebody, it's like you want more fucking content from that person. And the reality is if you go to see a guy and you go to see him six years later and he's doing the same act in the same order, you're not going to be a fan anymore. In the same order. We've all seen it.

So regimented i don't want to say any names again but i was watching this uh showtime thing or mind my showtime one of those networks and it was stand-up comedy and it was a guy that i knew on it and i'm like this motherfucker did not just do that bit he was doing that bit 15 years ago showtime needs to get better specials they need to invest in a better type of comedy they But they have such good fucking shows. They have such good shows. Yeah. Weeds and California Caves, they have cool shows. So why are their specials dog shit? Because there's got to be a different guy in charge of that. But they're not all dog shit. They put Stan Hope's on. Stan Hope's, they put mine on too. I'm sure they'll get it right here or there. They

put my 2005 one on. Really? I just want to tell you, it wasn't dog shit. No, you're right. It's pretty sweet. But just a lot of what they put on, I just want to tell you, it wasn't dog shit. No, you're right. It's pretty sweet. But just a lot of what they put on. I just want to tell you right now. A lot of what they put on is so bad. Didn't they put Cat Williams on? Did they put Cat Williams on? Or is it Catpocalypse? Was that HBO? Yeah, I think so.

No, I think it was Showtime. Was it Showtime? I think it was Showtime. All those, the Greeks of comedy. Catpocalypse is pretty good. And the theme shows that Scott Montoya puts out or whatever. Greeks of comedy. I'm talking about that stuff should never make it to the air.

They should be illegal. They should be illegal. Those theme shows. Hey, we're all Chinese. Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here, you assholes. Hey, we're all from Spain. Yeah.

Fuck you. Yeah, they try to get me to do the all-Guinea shows. Do they really? I was like, bitch, are you crazy? Night of a Thousand Guidos? Yeah. First of all, my last name is Irish. Okay?

I'm only three-quarters Italian. And second of all, I'm not sharing the stage with these cunt bags just because we both have Mediterranean origins. They all end up doing the same jokes. Yeah. Because it has to be about all the Arabs or all the – so they all end up telling, i'll do an arab accent my mom out of the way and then tripoli goes on to those shows i was like i'm just gonna talk about fucking chicks and cars yeah and they're like he's so much different tripoli i love that guy he's so silly yeah hey have you heard about this

ucb stuff what What's going on? The paying, no paying? Oh, no. What's happening? Well, I am three quarters of the way through that book about the comedy source strike in 79. Yeah. Tell me about that book.

What is it called? It's amazing. Not the day the laughter died. It was Dying Up Here. Yeah. Is that what it was? I think so. I'm Dying Up Here.

Yeah. It was just about a guy who was embedded with them, a journalist who was embedded with Here? Yeah. Is that what it was? I think so. I'm Dying Up Here. Yeah, it was just about a guy who was embedded with them, a journalist who was embedded with them. Yeah. The 40 comics that were around at the time and how they started getting pissed that a lot of them couldn't afford food. Yeah, that was an interesting story. Tom Driessen was only a Laugh Factory comic now, I guess,

but he was making like a few hundred grand a year. They showed people where he came from too. He came from Chicago, I think, working clubs there. So he got to the store, got in, like a few hundred grand a year they show people where people came from too like you know he came from chicago i think working clubs there so he got to the store got in make a few hundred grand a year and then i did a new year's show two sold out shows in the or maybe one of the main room and this kid one of them who was on that new year's show uh they all went to canner's late at night every night and he was like hey can i borrow five dollars for for an omelet i don't have any money and he was was like, yeah, yeah, no problem. But then he was like, fuck, how can you not afford an omelet?

That doesn't make any sense. You just did a sold-out New Year's show. But the comics weren't getting paid anything. The waitresses got paid. The fucking, the people who cleaned the toilets got paid.

The comics didn't get paid anything. And that UCB right now, it's just coming out. It's like, they're not paying. They're packed every night and they're charging $5 cover charges

and the comics don't get, don't charges and the comics don't get anything. They don't get anything. Yeah. Why don't they get anything? I've heard one stance is like, well, it's a showcase. It's really a popular club. And if you don't like performing here, same thing as other reasons. It's not a good reason.

If you don't like performing here, then don't perform. If you don't like the exposure you're getting. But it's like, yes, I am getting exposure. Exposure you're getting. You're selling. UCB has people going to it. Yeah, but you don't like the exposure you're getting. But it's like, yes, I am getting exposure. Exposure you're getting. UCB has people going to it. Yeah, but you're selling comedy. But it's like I would get that exposure if you charge zero. So the fact that you're charging five shouldn't –

and how about don't you like that these awesome comics, that Zach Galifianakis will show up at your club? Don't you like that? You get something out of that. So give him 20 bucks. Yeah, it's a totally unfair way to look at it the idea that you're getting exposure so you should work for free that's so and that the club is not getting anything yeah well that was the store's argument the store's argument was

always that the store is the star and that you should be happy that you're performing at the store like i had this conversation with them about that once i go listen i go you guys have a box with a microphone in it and you know what you you sell? You sell what we think up. That's what you sell. And if we're not there and we're not performing, guess what? You have no show. And no one's going to buy your fucking $20 Heinekens. Because that's not how it works.

That's not how it works. You're confused. No one's going there and saying, oh my god, this is amazing. Unless you're giving tours of the place. Well, if you're giving tours of the place, that's the you're giving tours of the place, that's the only value. Don't kick any of that back. The value is in the history of the place. That's it.

But when you have shows, no one's going there because it's this awesome old place. They're going there because it's this awesome old place that has fucking comedy. And the deal is, it's like no one's saying, no comics are saying we want all the money because the club does offer you something. It offers you that box.

It does. It offers you a workout room. But it's a mutually beneficial agreement. So there's some level of split and it shouldn't be zero. It shouldn't be zero. No, it's ridiculous. I mean I didn't mind it being zero when I was making a lot of money on TV shows and I was working out there. It's your choice to keep my money.

But it was my choice to help promote the club and keep it going because I realized as a comic, I need a place like that. It's valuable. We all need it. And it helps as long as that place was open and we could go on stage. It was good for all of us. So I felt like it's what you should do is do you realize they weren't making millions of dollars.

They were struggling. So I'm like, well, I'll help. I'll help because I like it. Yeah. They dollars. They were struggling. So I'm like, well, I'll help. I'll help because I like it. Yeah, they were barely staying in business. So I'm like, I'll help because I can. So it was the right thing to do. But the wrong thing to do is to think that you owe them that and that somehow or another you should work for free. You don't like it.

And that somehow or another you're getting exposure. Like your whole thing is selling comedy. Well, they said also it was like it was a workout at the time the store not the ucb but at the time the store they said that's a workout room they don't want it to be about you you're paid for comedy so you have to feel like you have to do something but then they said put it in pasadena well but then they said that this they said um boosler elaine boosler was like the one girl comic at the time was uh which i gotta watch some of her old stuff because the way they make her seem in this book like she was like pretty legit she was legit and i don't really know

any of her material she was legit it's a different time but yeah she was definitely legit but she said she said well wait a minute i've heard mitzi say no to somebody because they were too experimental so how can somebody be too experimental and also be a workout club well worse off than that i mean no one didn't it's not a workout club because it was constantly visited by agents and managers. They said no one would dare try new material there. Yeah, you didn't really work out because if you ate dick up there, that could be the time that someone saw you and you would bomb. Whereas if you go to a place like Pasadena, you could try out some shit out there because most likely it's 20 minutes outside of LA. You wouldn't get agents or Irvine or something like that.

Now it's actually the exact opposite. And one of the most invaluable tools I have is Tuesdays and Wednesdays at the comedy store. You don't even have Tom and Tal and coordinator there. It's early in the week, so nobody really cares. And it's like full impunity to bomb with full impunity. You can just go. You can just be bad. Right.

Not that you're trying to be, but there's no stakes for failing. So it allows you to try some shit. And it's empty. Yeah. trying to be but like there's no stakes for failing so it allows you to try some shit and it's empty yeah there might be 15 people there you know so it's like i'm gonna work on some things right now by the way that's ridiculous there's 20 million people in la and they can only get 15 that is some of the most incompetent shit in the history of the universe yeah the way they run that fucking place the improv is a bringer show every night well listen it's a lot of them there's a lot of them but even on the bringer shows the improv they run that fucking place the improv show every night well listen it's a lot of them there's a lot of them but even on the bringer shows the improv they'll still get a crowd yeah you know they surprise me sometimes on tuesdays wednesdays last few years have been a lot

better we could organize i mean i think we do it every time we do uh shows at the ice house you know we we pack the ice house on a wednesday night at 10.m. show and we have 200 people stuffed into that place. We do it all the time. If we organized and had a place where everybody worked out at a regular basis and split the revenue with the comedians, figure out a weird... Revenue, a GM, and a split. Yeah, just figure out, okay,

how much does it cost to keep open? We just cost this much. Air conditioning costs this much. Yeah, it costs this much to buy food. So let's set this aside and then let's figure out how much profit there is and then let's split it all. Let's figure out a way to make it legit

where the comics, it benefits them to work there. That'd be a full utopia. Yeah, I think that's possible. I think an artist's utopia is possible. So much competition to get into a full utopia. Yeah. I think that's possible. I think an artist's utopia is possible. There would be so much competition to get into a club like that. Yeah. Well, there's already competition now. I mean a lot of people – there was a dude who waited in line at the fucking Ice House, waited in line.

Because I always take pictures with people afterwards. The guy was a comic, waited in line to the very end. I told you and he asked me how he gets on the show. I'm like, you don't. You don't. You got to be my friend. I don't know you. Some dude has just started to do comedy you can't just like get in here these are sold out shows and there's seven of us you know and there's you're dealing with

greg fitzsimmons brian cowan you joey diaz i mean they're they're murderers murderer after murderer like you can't just slide in there with your shitty five minutes on donuts and cops yeah exactly i say i want to be on but all they see is themselves like i but i want it right you know like i know but that's not enough would you remember that feeling man fuck yeah yeah you remember that feeling where you just you were so delusional i'm good enough on stage i'm good enough why can't i get on because it's got nothing to do with that right now yeah and some of them you talk to and you just know they suck a dick peter chen used to do that he used to complain about not getting on stage he goes

but i've been there for 10 years i was like but bob osha doesn't get spots either he goes but he you talk to and you just know they suck a dick. Peter Chen used to do that. He used to complain about not getting on stage. He goes, but I've been there for 10 years. I was like, but Bob Oshak doesn't get spots either. He goes, but he only been there eight years.

I've been there 10 years. So me, and I'm like, oh, you're missing the point. You're talking about a crazy person though. You are missing the point.

Peter Chen was the only guy that I actually hosted over a night to keep Peter Chen from hosting it one night. Because McGuire was hosting. Yeah, because my friend

Chris McGuire was going to, he was going to audition for Mitzi. Head writer of The Burn. And I knew that if this fucking – if this guy was hosting it, I'm like Maguire is going to have no chance because there's going to be no show. It's going to be just death. He's such a terrible, terrible comedian that if he was hosting it, there's no way he would generate any laughs. It would set the tone for the entire night. No one would be having fun. It wouldn't be good.

So at the height of Fear Factor. Yeah. Fucking Joe Rogan hosted the open mic at 7 p.m. Brought up all the open micers. He was there all day. All the employees. It was pretty rad for us. It was fun.

As an employee, we're like, fucking Joe Rogan is hosting tonight. What the fuck? It was fun to do, and it worked. Chris got passed. passed you know it's like he never got any did he really spots though it's like one of those things where you wanted to just hang out and call in like you pass them and then they don't really use them you know you know how it is in the store the store wants you there you got to hang out you got to be a part of the furniture dude i'm you used to fucking i used to love that when you hung out on on employee nights on sunday or monday i loved it too i just love hanging out there we would do we do a night where everyone tried to do each other's material all the employees would do it like we'd have to

pick out of a hat yeah how lucky is he who you get yeah and i remember you watching and just laughing that was fun those are fun shit yeah i remember uh what the fuck is his name the dude who's really funny he doesn't do comedy anymore. Pete Carpenter. Jim Painter. Painter, yeah. Painter, yeah. He stopped doing comedy.

Yeah. Man, he's another one where I was like, man, this guy's funny, man. He was legit. He's going to make it. He's going to make it. He's solid. I'm like, I can see this guy just crushing Attell style on the road. And then for whatever reason, it's a very delicate thing that that makes a comic especially for a few years figure out his way through you're not getting any validation

it's only reason you're doing it's for validation i always wonder like what is it about like certain comedians what is it about certain comedians that just like really crack through and what is it about certain comedians like you know i always talk talk about Reggie McFadden and how brilliant Reggie McFadden was in the 90s Yeah, you know and then I ran into Kevin Hart the other day in my neighborhood actually his first time ever met him Super nice guy. Yeah, super nice super cool Super friendly like really genuine like you could tell like right away like really cool heart Yeah, and he can't be any bigger than that guy. Yeah.

He's like Dane Cook was when he was at his peak. That's where Kevin Hart is right now. Maybe even a little bigger. Possibly. Yeah. Pyrotechnics. Yeah. Maybe even a little bigger because he's doing comedy movies.

Like they're doing movies of his stand-up. And he's doing legit movies that are actually funny. Whereas Dane Cook's movies were all dog shit. Yeah. He just did dog shit movie after dog shit movie i mean i think he did like he played a serial killer once that was probably pretty good movie i heard it was pretty good i heard that too but i don't know i didn't see it but i saw a couple of them that were like they were like it was almost like the the aliens

were trying to replicate human beings yeah for, for the Matrix. It was like Invasion of the Body Snatchers, which, by the way, I watched the other day. That's scary. I watched two versions. I watched one of them from the 1950s, which was really weird. Yeah. And then I watched the other one from 1978 with Donald Sutherland,

which was fucking awesome. Really? It was really good. It totally holds up. Yeah. Do you remember it? Yeah. Yeah.

It really holds up. Really? That's cool. Do you remember it? Yeah. Yeah. It really holds up. Really? That's cool. Yeah, totally. Some of those 70s horror movies, because it's so grainy that it lends itself, since it's old, to be more legit, as opposed to a special effects movie that makes it less legit. Well, I watched it with Mrs. Rogan, and we were like, wow, this is really interesting. It's such a different style of film, like the way they did.

Jeff Goldblum was in it. I forgot Jeff Goldblum was in it. Yeah. He's so young and skinny. It's interesting. It's such a different style of film, like the way they did. Jeff Goldblum is in it. I forgot Jeff Goldblum is in it. Yeah, he's so young and skinny. It's really weird. He's like a pencil. It's weird. I like seeing those guys that were stars for a billion years, and you see them when they started.

Like the girl from Sex and the City, when she was in LA Story, the Force Faced one. They're like, how is she famous? You see them in their first roles, you're like, oh, I get it. When you were a young, fucking rambunctious 26-year-old and you looked fucking great. Yeah. You're like, I totally get it now. You just kept going. Well, Kim Cattrall, the slut and the sex in the city, when she was young, she was unbelievably hot.

She was still pretty hot at 50. Ew. I fucked her at 54 and it was great. I know. I'm sorry, girl. Do you know anybody who did? No. I know – no, and it was great. I'm sorry, girl. Do you know anybody who did? No. I know – maybe I should stop.

Well, you can just change the names to protect the innocent. But then it wouldn't be as fun. Well, tell me what you got going on. I don't know what you're telling me. Well, I know someone who boned like an 80s humongous star. Really? Yeah. Okay.

Who's the star? That's the problem. I don't know if I should say even like that Why not? She still comes around once in a while Oh okay don't say it Yeah Oh I know who it is

Yeah How big a star? Pretty big Yeah I'll tell you afterwards Okay Damn this doesn't help the podcast I'll tell you who did it though

And you can all press your image To tell you Who is it? Nick Yusuf At Nick Y-O-U-S-S-E-F-F I like Nick Yusuf Ask him who he's boned

He's a good man Yeah Maybe he'll tell us Yeah maybe But is he still hitting it? Is that what it is? No no it's been a long time It's been a long time Nick, Y-O-U-S-S-E-F-F. I like Nick. Ask him who he's boned. He's a good man. Maybe he'll tell us. Yeah, maybe. But is he still hitting it? Is that what it is? No, no. It's been a long time. It's been a long time.

But how old is this young gal now? Can we play a game? Can we guess? Can you give us some hints? This is so wrong. Hold on a second. Let me do the math in my head if I'm allowed to. She likes Reese's Pieces.

Because I know this means it's coming out if we do this. So hold on. Let me think about this. The math in your head of whether or allowed to like... I know this means it's coming out if we do this. So, hold on. Let me think about this. The math in your head of whether or not you can get in trouble? Yeah, whether or not this is not cool or is okay. Well, there's nothing wrong with a little sex unless... That's an excellent point. She's not supposed to do that.

Because it's totally cool on everybody's part? I mean, it's not like Nick Yusuf hates it. Let's play the guessing game. She likes Reese's Pieces. I'm assuming yes. I don't know idea. Let me get her Wikipedia page. Hmm. Does she have a lot of stuffed animals in her closet? I don't know.

She's not my sister. There's – by the way, while we're on the way to doing this, I talked to you about – She's 51 now. Okay. What does she do? She's in a lot of music videos. way while we're on on the way to doing this uh i talked to you about uh 51 now okay what what does she do she's in a lot of music videos she's a singer paul abdul he fucked not a singer did he fuck paul abdul no he wouldn't fuck a jew oh paul abdul's a jew like she's the good the syrian kind like the really good kind what does that mean they don... Really? Sephardic Jews, they look more like Persian. Like Israelis.

Israelis have a lot more Sephardic Jews. But there's a lot of Ashkenazi Jews there. But yeah, they're all intermingled. Ashkenazi. That's a hilarious word. But somebody, since he's Ashkenazi, him and his friend put somebody in the hospital for dating his sister. Some Sephardic guy.

Oh my god. Because no fucking Sepvardy is gonna date my sister what him is wow yeah they beat somebody up dad's a douchebag yeah i tell him now he's like i know it was very stupid i get i'm like but you're both jews because i get it i know now i was 16 how am i supposed to know so there's a new thing called the Human Brain Project. Yeah. Check this out. And they are putting together all the existing known knowledge about the human brain,

and they're trying to reconstruct the brain piece by piece in a supercomputer-based model and simulation. The project is actually the latest to be chosen by the European Commission to receive funding as a part of the FET flagship initiatives. So the Cerebral Challenge will be headed up by Switzerland's Ecole Polytechnique, whatever the fuck it is. And it's estimated to cost 1.19 billion euros. So what these guys are doing is they're essentially going to make an artificial brain. Wow. I mean, they're spending a fuck load of money and how many girls 1.19 billion part of it I want what that translates to dollars is 1.63 billion dollars almost you know more than one and a half billion and they what they're trying

to do is uh they're gonna advance uh robotics and um it's really crazy it's a 10-year uh project that's uh a fifth of the time to require i mean required to uh develop a space liner whatever the fuck that means. Oh, that's the other thing that they're trying to build a space liner there. Yeah, this is really crazy. There's a,

they're going to be able to go from Europe to Australia in 90 minutes. Europe to Australia by going up, up in space. Yeah. They're what they're going to do is the idea is you're going to be able to go supersonic speeds and you're going to be able to go supersonic speeds, and you're going to be able to do it just like the Concorde was doing it, but they're going to do it in space. But how long would it take you just to get to space?

I don't know. How does a space shuttle take forever to get to space, doesn't it? I mean, you're going to be able to go from Europe to Australia and down in just 90 minutes. Wow. That would make the whole world so much smaller. Yeah. They're 50 years out, they believe. 50?

Five year. Five zero. Yeah. It's going to take a long time. You're going to be dead. No, you won't. Hang in there, bitch. They're going to go 150,000 miles an hour.

Stop and think about that. 150,000 miles an hour? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. That means you can go back and forth across the united states you know how fast we go now when you're gonna play 500 500 yeah that's right so stop and think about that 500 to how much 150 000 miles an hour 150 000 so if we're playing right now we'll twice as fast, it would still have to go 150 times faster than that. The issue right now, apparently, the problem is creating a design that's capable of tolerating the heat generated at such speeds.

Oh, yeah. Friction from the air. Yeah. Wow. It's amazing. How does – And you know what? People are still going to bitch about the seats.

Motherfucking lean the seat back into me. Going 150,000 miles an hour. I can't use my fucking laptop. We're developing this. Going 150,000 miles an hour. I want to use a fucking laptop. You fucking cocksucker. I'll kick your seat.

Oh, the TSA wants to check me for bombs. Why go 150,000 miles an hour? How about let me wear my sneakers? I got a medical condition. You fucks. This is pretty crazy shit, man. I mean, we're getting a glimpse at the future.

And when we say 50 years, we go, oh, that's so far away. Is it really? Think about 1960. 1960 was 50 years ago. Well, they look at all these natural disasters, you know, tsunamis and stuff. And people are like, oh, you know, that's terrible. But, you know, shit happens or whatever. And they're like, oh, that's terrible, but shit happens or whatever. And they're like, no, no, this happens every 80 years.

So all we do is we all die off, and then the next generation comes in. I'm like, oh, we could never see this happening. It will continue to happen. Yeah, they forget. So quit building up the port or figure out a wall system. Well, there's nothing you can do. You have to choose to just roll the dice. The thing of building these breakers.

Oh, out. Yeah. So it would cause some flight but nothing damaging at all. choose to just roll the dice and this thing of building these breakers like oh out in the way out so it would take like cause some flight but nothing like nothing damaging at all i think that was the idea behind atlantis um and then it fell yeah well the rising sea levels too you know sea levels change radically over time um especially with the i mean there's no certain there's absolutely some evidence that points to global warming in some way or shape being affected by human beings. Absolutely. But even if we didn't affect it, 10 minutes, even if we didn't affect it, the temperature of the earth has varied throughout history greatly. Like the dinosaurs.

The size of the universe opens and closes. It does. Like a balloon. Well, whatever. The fucking sun is going to and closes. It does. Like a balloon. Well, whatever. You know, the fucking sun's going to burn out and destroy us all anyway one day, five billion years from now, according to our pal Neil deGrasse Tyson. Neil had some amazing Super Bowl quotes the other day while the people were.

How was that? Well, he was tweeting Super Bowl stuff, but it was like cool fucking science Super Bowl stuff. Yeah. I should pull some of them up because they were fucking awesome man let me find it what is he n tyson on twitter neil tyson and by the way everybody in north carolina um i'll be in raleigh north carolina this weekend so don't you guys don't get my special until i'm there oh why is it the same material well i have like 20 different materials. 20, 25 different.

Yeah, it's hard, isn't it? But they'll still be like 25. I'm doing some gigs just to fuck around. Specifically to work on new material. I've got a few lined up. Yeah, that's really smart. Yeah, I'm doing Zany's in Nashville. It's a nice small club. I'm going to do that

over a whole weekend. This weekend, me, Brian, and Joey Diaz are going to be in West Palm Beach, Florida. You fuckheads. Giant room. Yeah, it's giant. It's awesome, though. It's a great room. And tickets are selling very fast.

It's almost sold out most of the show. That'll be cool. Get on that shit, freaks. I like these markers you have that your draw is getting better. Where you've returned to a place. Like in Calgary, we did that Jack Singer haul. And it was like, we filled it up eventually. We got it filled up the first time.

This time, two shows sold out in advance. Yeah. And it was like, wow, that's a clear sign of stuff getting better. You just sold out Montreal in like 50 minutes, didn't you? Or something like that, I heard. Yeah, well, that was a small club something like that? I heard it's 150 seats. It's a small club. It's my friend Jimbo's club because I was just there a couple months ago and I did a

big theater. I did... I forget the name. Metropolis. Metropolis, yeah. A big-ass fucking place, like a couple thousand people. So from that to this is... I did Jimbo's place because, first of all, I love Jimbo.

I've been working for him club goes off yeah it's a great little club 80 people in a room that should seat 40 yeah it's just such a great experience it's great and it's gonna be you and me right yeah yeah we're gonna have a rat it's gonna be such a good time it's gonna be so fun and if the place couldn't be cooler and the pub downstairs it's. Everybody works here. It's cool as fuck. And a lot of the same guys that have been working there since the beginning of time.

So let me – this is some of the tweets. The tweets that he wrote about – if grid irons were – Neil deGrasse Tyson wrote this. If grid irons were timelines with the Big Bang at one goal and then from caveman to now would span the thickness of a single turf blade at the other goal. Isn't that amazing? Like you would go from the Big Bang through the entire football field and then from caveman to us would be one blade of grass. Wow. One tiny thing that you can't even see when you're above it. That's a cool way of looking at it. Yeah.

Looking at the Super Bowl. He's cool as fuck. We'll have to get him back in here again. And I promise. You should have him inconsistently. No moon landing talk. Yeah, well, if we could. I believe he's a New York resident.

But he's out here doing the new version of the cosmos, which is going to be fucking amazing. And he just hit a million twitters twitter followers so follow him it's neil tyson n-e-i-l tyson on twitter and you can follow ari shafir and if you work for the tsa you can give him a rash of shit no no don't tsa we're gonna rethink this and i'm gonna try to be calmer f-f-i-r he's gonna be calmer but uh you can get revenge for the holocaust this is the cd it's available right now you can get them together they have these bundles so you can get a poster or the c and the special all together. So you get two hours of juicy fucking R.H. Affair material.

Go get some, you dirty fucks. And if you want to see Juicy Red Band and Juicy Joey Coco Diaz. That's Palm Beach. It's harder and harder to get Joey Coco Diaz to open for me, folks, because the dude is just blowing up. We just don't know if he will even show up. He's working a lot. This podcast has done so much for all of us, but Joey is a fucking monster now. I mean, he's really taking off like crazy.

Is that this coming weekend you're in West Palm? Yeah, this coming weekend. Can't wait, you fucks. And yeah, if you bought my special recently on JoeRogan.net, it will be 100% new material. None of that material is on. I already have an hour and 20 minutes of new shit because I don't play, bitches. Okay? I got an isolation tank in my basement. Your new stuff is really good too.

Thanks, man. I'm excited about it. There's a couple – Your new stuff is really good. That vegan bit is my favorite bit I've ever done. My favorite is my favorite. I'm so glad. I'm so glad it's progressing.

You know, that is partly in thankful to you because you reminded me of that bit you know you reminded me of that bit actually I gotta give you 100% credit

because I probably would have forgotten you wrote it take some credit okay okay credit for its resurgence but it's even

but it's even better now yeah it is it's way better now yeah the girl with no vagina folks we're gonna have some fucking fun all right and we will see you tomorrow night with our friend the real rick ross because the real rick ross is not a rapper i know you didn't know that but

you're gonna know that if you didn't know that already he's a great guy we got some cool shit to talk to him about he's just he's interesting guy. He used to be a big-time drug dealer. Now he's a community activist and just a really cool, nice, sweet guy to talk to. And I'm psyched to sit down and talk to him. And there's a dude out there using his name, that big, fat Rick Ross guy, the rapper. That guy's real name is William Roberts. It's not Rick Ross. The real Rick Ross was a drug kingpin, went to jail for selling cocaine during the Iran Contra scandal.

You know the Iran Contra scandal? You know how they were selling coke and they were using the money to fund the war of the Contras versus the Sandinistas? That was Rick Ross. What do you mean? He's the one who sold the coke? He was the one who was selling the coke on the streets in L.A. Yes. Yes. So he paid the government for coke and then sell it? He was a middleman was selling the coke on the streets in LA. Yes. Yes.

So like he paid the government for coke and then sell it? He was a middleman. He didn't realize it at the time but it was his coke selling. I mean he was selling millions of dollars of coke. You're like,

where'd you get this? It's good stuff. He goes, I know. Funding like covert operations overseas. Amazing stuff. He's a patriot really.

In a way. If you think we should have gone there. He couldn't even read at the time. It was amazing. He was making millions of dollars and he couldn't read and went to jail and learned how to read and became a lawyer in jail. He's a patriot, really. In a way. If you think we should have gone there. He couldn't even read at the time. It was amazing. He was making millions of dollars and he couldn't read. And went to jail and learned how to read and became a lawyer in jail.

Fascinating, fascinating guy. He'll be on tomorrow. All right, you dirty freaks. Passive aggressive. Please go out and support alternative independent comedy. There will be no podcast. I'm going out of town for the week. I'm going to go to the fucking woods, my friend.

Oh, yeah. I'm going to find my space. I'm going to go to Japan. I'm going to. Oh, yeah. I'm going to find my space. I'm going to go to Japan. I'm going to meditate. But what I'm not going to do is step foot inside this place. I'm going to take a week off. Really? Yeah.

So I want you to take a week off and listen to all Ari's podcasts. And then I want you to find him on Twitter and yell at him. And tell him how awesome he is. I have a sports podcast called Punch Drunk with Tripoli and Tebow. And I have a regular podcast called Skeptic Tank. Suck it! All right. We will see you dirty freaks tomorrow.

Thank you to audible.com. Go to audible.com forward slash Joe. And get yourself free 30 days and one free audio book. Books will make you smarter. Yes, they will, you freaks. And thanks to onnit.com. Go to O-N-N-I-T and use the code name

Rogan. You will save yourself 10% off any and all supplemental products. All right, we'll see you freaks soon. And we love the shit out of you. We love you more than we love yourself.

Thank you for coming out to see us. Get it together, bitches.